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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 37, December 10, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 30, 2003 [EBook #10544] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 37 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TIFFANY & CO., | + | | + | UNION SQUARE, | + | | + | Offer a large and choice stock of | + | | + | LADIES' WATCHES, | + | | + | Of all sizes and every variety of Casing, with Movements | + | of the finest quality. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER, | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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Specimen | + | copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +MAN AND WIVES. + +A TRAVESTY. + +By MOSE SKINNER. + +CHAPTER FOURTH. + +THE HALF-WAY HOUSE + +The first person to discover that ANN BRUMMET had left the house, was +Mrs. LADLE, Now, ever since the Hon. MICHAEL had asked ANN to go to the +circus, Mrs. LADLE had hated her. But when he took ANN to the +Agricultural Fair, and bought her a tin-type album and a box of initial +note-paper, Mrs. LADLE was simply raving. Whether she herself was +viewing the Hon. MICHAEL with an eye matrimonial, and was jealous of +ANN, must remain an open question. At any rate, she was the first to +start the scandal about ANN and JEFFRY, and lost no time in conveying it +to the ears of the Hon. MICHAEL, with profuse embellishments. At the +croquet party the Hon. MICHAEL had been particularly sweet on ANN, his +ardor finding vent in such demonstrations as throwing kisses at her +slyly, holding up printed lozenges for her inspection, or tossing sticks +at her and dodging behind a tree. And when Mrs. LADLE went to ANN'S room +next day, for a good square scold, she found her out. + +Now Mrs. LADLE was a mother-in-law, and consequently a pretty old fowl +in ferreting out things of this sort. She determined to discover the why +and wherefore of ANN'S departure. If she could confront the Hon. MICHAEL +with proofs of ANN'S indiscretion, it would be the loudest kind of +feather in her cap. + +She examined everybody in the house, and everybody that went by the +house, but without the smallest result. She was out in the front yard +waiting for a fresh victim, when she saw HERSEY DEATHBURY coming up the +road. She signed to her to come in. + +She came in. + +HERSEY DEATHBURY was an extraordinary woman. A woman of genius, sir. +What if her make-up _was_ limited? What if, when she was born, nature +_was_ economizing, and gave her only one eye, and she was lame and +hump-backed, and hadn't got any eyebrows and wore a wig; what of that? +It's to her credit, _I_ say. You saw her just as she was. No airs +_there_. And in this lay the great charm of H. DEATHBURY'S character. +Looking at her closely, you would see a fixed and stony eye and a +chronic scowl, and you would say: "Disposition a little morose; some man +has soured on her." Looking at her more closely, you would see under her +right arm a common blackboard, such as is used in schools, and over her +shoulder a canvas bag containing lumps of chalk, and you would say: "A +little eccentric; likes to write on the blackboard instead of talking. +Would make a nice wife. Looks, on the whole, like a country schoolma'am, +whom the boys have stoned out of town, with the fixtures of the +school-house tied to her." But she has talents. What is she, an +authoress? "Yes, she is." But, like other authoresses, she isn't +appreciated, and has returned to her legitimate occupation, the +Wash-Tub; but still doth she itch for fame, and so, between times, she +writes verbose essays on Female Suffrage, composed during the process +known as "wringing." And when there's a Woman's Rights Convention in +that locality, she sits on the platform, and applauds all the Red-Hot +Resolutions with that trenchant female weapon, the umbrella, in one +hand, and an antediluvian reticule the other. In the words of the Hon. +MICHAEL: "She is not only a leading _Re_former, sir, but a great +_Plat_former." And Mrs. LADLE will tell you that, as a washer, she is +superb. She "does up things" in a manner simply celestial. + +Mrs. LADLE told her first to shut the door. + +"Have you seen ANN BRUMMET to-day?" she said. + +HERSEY nodded. + +"Where?" was the eager inquiry. + +HERSEY DEATHBURY placed her blackboard against the wall, unslung her +chalk, and wrote in very large letters:-- + +"I C hur a-Goin on The rode 2 forneys Kragg." + +"Ah!" ejaculated Mrs. LADLE joyfully, "traced at last." And she ran to +tell the Hon. MICHAEL all about it. + + * * * + +The Half-Way House at Forney's Crag was a hoary-headed old vagabond of a +house, that had passed the heyday of its youth long before that great +encyclopaedia, the oldest inhabitant, emitted his first infantile +squawk. Each successive season caused it to lean a little more and the +most casual observer must perceive that it couldn't by any possibility +become much leaner without pining entirely away. + +Nevertheless, it had been the only hotel that Spunkville could boast, +all within a short period of this writing. Like most Western hotels, it +had been ably supported by a large floating population, known as "New +York Drummers," and many a time had its old walls re-echoed with their +guileless hilarity and moral tales; and, if the ancient and time-honored +spittoon in the bar-room could speak, it could relate wonderful stories +concerning the Sample Gentry; relating, perhaps, to a Spunkville +merchant, who, having retreated precipitately down his cellar stairs +several tunes during the day, to avoid "them confounded drummers, with +their everlasting samples," was, while plodding his lonely way homeward, +seized upon by these commercial freebooters, conveyed forthwith to the +Half-Way House, and there deluged with such a perfect torrent of +brow-beating eloquence as to reduce him to an imbecile state, in which +condition he would willingly order large bills of goods, a custom still +somewhat in vogue, and known as "commanding trade." + +At other times, it was refreshing to see a drummer emerge from a week's +carousal, take a drink of plain soda, and write a long letter to his +employers concerning the extreme dulness of trade. + +But since the new hotel had been built the Half-Way House had waned, and +its quiet was only invaded by an occasional straggling traveller or a +runaway couple, and its walls resounded with nothing more clamorous than +the orgies of a Sunday-school picnic. + +It is, however, with the Ladies' Parlor only (that wretched abode of +female discomfort in all country hotels) that we have to do. + +The furniture of the room consisted of the articles usually found in a +_boudoir_ of this kind, to wit: a straight-backed sofa, much worn; the +inevitable and horrid straw carpeting; that old Satanic piano, that +never was in tune; an antique and rheumatic table, and three wheezy old +chairs. The only present attempts at ornament were two in number. The +first was a large engraving of the Presidents of the United States, +which had formerly done duty in the bar-room, where the villagers were +wont to gaze upon it in an awe-struck manner, being impressed with a +vague idea that it was CHRISTY'S Minstrels. The second was a living +statue, none other than ANN BRUMMET waiting for JEFFRY MAULBOY. + +"Half-past three, and not come yet," said she. "Look out, JEFFRY +MAULBOY, for if you _do_ go back on me"-- + +She paused, for she saw a man coming towards the house. + +"Well, if that ain't ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP," she added, "I'm regularly +sold. What can _he_ want _here_?" + +Yes, it was ARCHIBALD sure enough, biting his finger-nails and breathing +very short, while he cast furtive glances at the windows. + +He went slowly up the steps and into the entry just as Mrs. BACKUP, the +landlady of the House, came out of her sitting-room. + +Now, Mrs. BACKUP was one of your eminently respectable females, who are +always loaded to the muzzle with Beautiful Moral Essays, which they try +to cram down everybody's throat, but never practise themselves. She +formerly kept a boarding-house in the city, where, at table regularly +after soup, she would regale those present with long dissertations on +the shocking immorality of the present day, varying the monotony, +perhaps, by allusions to the boarders who had just left. "Mr. SIMPSON +was a pleasant-spoken young man as I want to see, and as good as the +bank, but I'm afraid he _was_ agettin' dissipated;" or, "Mr. FIELDING +was quiet and mannerly, and never found fault with his vittles, but he +had _one_ DREAD_ful_ habit;" and then she would sigh heavily. And when +little Miss PINKHAM, who occupied the second floor back (and who, being +a schoolma'am, was naturally debarred from the other sex), indulged in +the smallest possible flirtation with the good-looking young man +opposite, Mrs. BACKUP'S sharp eye not only saw her, but Mrs. BACKUP'S +sharp tongue took occasion to berate her severely on a Sunday morning +(for then the boarders are all in), at the top of the first landing (for +then the boarders could all hear her). "I _am_ saprised, Miss PINKHAM. +Why, when I see that young man asittin' at his winder, and a blowin' +beans. Yes, a blowin' beans, Miss PINKHAM, through a horrible tin +pop-gun at _your'n_, and a winkin' vicious, and you a enjoyin' on it, +Miss PINKHAM, I sot down; yes, I sot right down, and I shuddered. 'Sich +doin's in _my_ house,' says I, 'I am totilly congealed.'" When all the +time, mind you, the virtuous Mrs. BACKUP was a woman who would bear any +amount of watching, having already caused three husbands to frantically +emigrate to parts unknown. + +Seeing that ARCHIBALD hesitated, she said:-- + +"Well, young man, what's wanted?" + +"I--I--want to see ANN BRUMMET," said ARCHIBALD. + +"Oh, you _do_, do you?" rejoined Mrs. BACKUP, regally; "and _who_, may I +ask, is ANN BRUMMET?" + +"A young lady that I was--a--to meet here," replied ARCHIBALD, timidly. + +Mrs. BACKUP immediately organized a virtuous tableau, and glared at him +majestically. + +"A young lady you was to _meet_ here. _In_-deed. And do you think, young +man, that _my_ house is a place where young chaps can go a-roystorin' +and a-gallivinatin' about, and a meetin' young women?" + +"But I don't want to go oysterin'," said ARCHIBALD, "and I don't know +how to galvinate. I only want to tell her something." + +"Oh, to _tell_ her something, is it? Well, I'd have _no_ objections, +young man, if you _said_ she was your wife. _Then_ you'd have a right, +but not now, for my cha-_rac_ter is precious to me, young man." + +"But she ain't my wife," said ARCHIBALD; "I only--kind of know her, you +see." + +"Drat the man," said Mrs. BACKUP to herself; "he's a born fool that +can't take a hint like that. TEDDY!" she cried to a seedy-looking, +pimply man, who was sucking a forlorn-looking pipe on the back-door +step, "you're wanted." She whispered a few words in his ear, and went +up-stairs. + +TEDDY MCSLUSH was the General Utility man of the Half-Way House. Born +down East, of an Irish father and Scotch mother, he was eminently +calculated to live by his wits. His natural talents were numerous and +sparkling. He could tell more lies without notes than any man in the +State, or make a beautiful prayer, all in the way of business. When a +runaway couple were married at the Half-Way House, he would not only +give the bride away in a voice broken by emotion, but he would bless the +bridegroom with tears in his eyes, and he would do all this at the +lowest market price. And every Sunday he dressed in a black suit and +sung in the choir, and patted the little children on the head, and was +generally respected. + +He approached ARCHIBALD, and poked him in the ribs, facetiously. + +"Ah!" he ejaculated; "and it's a cryin' shame, so it is, that a fine lad +like yerself should be took with sich a complaint. It's modeshty what +ails ye, man. And wasn't it Mester JOHN SHAKESPEER himself, him as writ +the illegant versis, Lord luv his ashis, as says to me only jist afore +his breath soured on him, 'TEDDY,' says he, wid much feelin', 'TEDDY, +modeshty is a fine thing in a woman,' says he, 'but it's death to a man. +Promise me now,' says he, 'for I feel as this clay is a coolin' +fast--promise me, TEDDY, as you'll never hev nothink to do with it--no, +not never, my boy.' I promised him, and Hevins knows as I've kep' my +word. But, Lord alive, I'm a keepin' you all the time from yer own dear +wife, as is a dyin' to see you--and a sweet dear it is." + +He ushered ARCHIBALD into the Ladies' Parlor, closed the door, and +applied his ear to the key-hole, with an air of the most respectful +attention. + +According to TEDDY'S way of thinking, ANN was not hankering for +ARCHIBALD'S society. + +"What do you want _here_?" said she, sharply. + +"Oh, don't speak cross to me, Miss BRUMMET," said he, looking timidly +around. Then he put his finger on his lip, and shook his head +energetically. + +"I know all about it, you see," said he; "JEFF told me. Oh my! wasn't I +struck up, though? But I'll never tell. _He_ couldn't come, you see. His +mother sent for him, and--" + +"You lie," she broke in fiercely; "it's a put up job between you two. +But it won't do; do you _hear_? It _won't do_." + +"Oh, don't look at me _that_ way," said ARCHIBALD, backing toward the +door; "I want to go home." + +"I'd like to see you go home," she replied, placing her back against the +door. "You must think I'm a fool, to let you off as easy as that. You've +got to sit up with me this evening, anyhow." + +"But what would folks say?" stammered ARCHIBALD. "Oh, think of my +reputation, Miss BRUMMET, and let me go." + +"Your reputation!" she sneered. "Humbug! Men don't have any reputation, +except when they steal a woman's. Come," she added, in a more +conciliatory tone, "we'll have some supper, and then we'll have a game +of euchre." + +"Euchre! Oh, don't ask me to play euchre," said he; "I'm so mixed up, +Miss BRUMMET, I couldn't tell the King of Ten-spots from the Ace of +Jacks. Oh, won't BELINDA grab hold of my hair when she hears of this!" + +"Yes, she'll pull it till she makes her ARCHIE-_bald_," said ANN, +laughing. + +ARCHIBALD sat down, and looked at her in a supplicating manner. + +"I'll do anything you say," said he, "if you please won't get off any +more puns. It's awful. I knew a fellow once who had it chronic. He +doubled every word that he could lay his tongue to. When he was going to +a party, he'd take the dictionary and pick out a lot of words that could +be twisted, and set 'em down and study on 'em, so he could be ready with +a lot of puns, and when he got 'em off folks would laugh, but all the +time they'd wish he'd died young. And that's the way he'd go on. He +finally drove his mother into a consumption, and at her funeral, instead +of taking on as he ought to, he only just looked at the body, and said, +'Well, that's the worst _coffin-fit_ the old lady ever had.' And then he +turned round and began to get off puns on the mourners. Wasn't it +dreadful?--But what's that?" + +Somebody was knocking at the door. + +"What's wanted?" said ANN. + +"It's your minister as has come, mum," said TEDDY, from the outside. +"What word shall I give him?" + +"Tell him I shan't want him," said ANN. + +In a few minutes TEDDY came back. + +"He says, mum, as he won't go without marryin' somebody, or a gittin' +his pay anyway, for it's a nice buryin' job as he's lost by comin'." + +"But," said ANN, "I can't--" She hesitated, and seemed to form a sudden +resolution. "Tell him," she continued, "tell him--" + +(To be continued.) + + * * * * * + +BIOGRAPHICAL. + + + There was an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor, + Who thought the world his debtor and himself, of course, its creditor; + A man he was of wonderful vitup'rative fertility, + Though seeming an embodiment of mildness and docility, + This ancient agriculturist, philosopher, and editor. + + The clothes he wore were shocking to the citizen ęsthetical, + Assuredly they would not pass in circles which were critical, + So venerable were they, and so distant from propriety, + So utterly unsuited to respectable society, + Which numbers in its membership some citizens ęsthetical. + + He kept a model farm for every sort of wild experiment. + Which was to all the neighborhood a source of constant worriment; + For every one who passed that way pretended to be eager to + Discover pumpkin vines that ran across the fields a league or two, + So queer was the effect of each preposterous experiment. + + He had a dreadful passion, which was not at all professional, + For going for an office, either local or congressional. + But though often nominated, yet the people wouldn't ratify, + Because they thought, quite properly, it would be wrong to gratify + The all-consuming passion that was not at all professional. + + Among the many hobbies which he cantered on incessantly + Was one he called Protection, and he rode it quite unpleasantly; + For if any one dissented from his notions injudiciously, + He went for him immediately, ferociously and viciously, + Did this absurd equestrian who cantered on incessantly. + + With which remarks the author of this brief, veracious history + Concludes his observations on the incarnated mystery + Known as an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor, + Who thought the world his debtor, and himself, of course, its creditor, + And who will surely figure on the oddest page in history. + + * * * * * + +THE FITTEST PLACE FOR A "PRESERVER" OF THE PEACE. A "Jam" on Broadway. + + * * * * * + +DR. HELMBOLD TO J.G. BENNETT, Jr. "Boo-shoo! fly." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BRIGHT IDEA. + +_Customer_. "WAITER, BRING ME SOME FROZEN CLAMS." + +_Waiter (lately caught)_. "YES, SIR; WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ROASTED OR +BILED?"] + + * * * * * + +WORDS AND THEIR USES. + +Nothing, except counting your stamps, can be more pleasant and exciting +than tracing out the origin of words by the aid of a second-hand +dictionary. It's the next funniest thing to grubbing after stumps in a +ten-acre lot. Dentists make capital philologists--: they are so much +accustomed to digging for roots. It's rather dull work to shovel around +in the Anglo-Saxon stratum, but, as soon as you strike the Sanscrit, +then you're off, and if you don't find big nuggets, it's because--well, +it's because there are none there. Sometimes you dig down to about the +time when NOAH went on his little sailing excursion, and strike what +seems to be a first-class sockdolager of root, but what is the use? +Unfortunately the philology business is overdone; it's chock full of +first-class broken down pedagogues and unsuccessful ink-slingers, and, +as soon as you offer a curious specimen in the way of roots, they write +a book to prove that the root don't exist, or, if it does, that it +should not. + +However, there is an advantage in knowing the roots of words, and the +use to which they were put in former years. Everybody, you know, is very +anxious to read CHAUCER and SPENSER. Now, after you have studied this +subject about forty-two years, you will be able to read CHAUCER with the +aid of an old English dictionary and an Anglo-Saxon grammar. + +Many so-called philologists, who have preceded me, have ignorantly +derived words from improper sources. Thus, the compound word, shoofly, +has been traced by some to the Irish word _shoe_, meaning a +hoof-covering, and the French word _fly_, meaning an insect, when it is +apparent to even the casual observer that it comes from the Guinea word +_shoo_, meaning get out, and the English word _fly_, meaning a tripe +destroyer. I propose, therefore, to show you the origin of a few words, +in order that you may use them properly, and in order that you may +subscribe freely for my book on this subject, which will shortly be +placed before an admiring public. + +_Theatres_. When the players were servants of the king, they were +compelled to be proficient in reading, riting, rithmetic, rhyming, +riddling, reciting, rehearsing, and romping. These accomplishments were +grouped together and called _the 8 r's_, which name naturally enough was +soon applied to the play-houses. This example shows how simple the whole +subject is, and how easily the philology business could he run by a +child six years of age. + +_Country_. The origin of this word is, to say the least, odd. City +people were accustomed to visit the rural districts at about the time +when rye was ripe, and they were generally amused by the farmer's +pereginations around his rye. Farmers always count rye-stacks in the +morning, in order to discover whether any of them have been lifted +during the night. When, upon their return to the City, the visitors were +asked where they had been, they facetiously replied, "To count rye." +This soon became a favorite expression; the "e" was dropped for euphony, +and the rural districts were called country. + +_Spittoon_.--This word comes from the Greek word _spit_, meaning to +slobber, and the Scotch word, _tune_, meaning the noise made by the +bag-pipes. As the saliva struck the receptacle it made a noise +delightful to the ears of the smoker, and resembling the note of the +national instrument of Scotland. Hence the receptacle was called the +spittoon. + +_Politics_.--Quack philologists, who evidently were insane, have gone +back to the classics for the root of this word, when it is well known +that immediately after the termination of the Revolution, when the +Government of this country was about to be settled, the word came into +existence. A woman, called POLLY, kept a corner grocery in New York, and +all the fellows who wanted offices were accustomed to go to POLLY'S for +their beer, because she trusted. Here they usually divulged their ideas +of the manner in which the Government machine should be run. When asked +why they went to that store, they always answered, "POLLY ticks." +Outsiders, when asked what was going on in POLLY's store, always +answered with a wise look, "POLLY ticks." The words soon spread, and +talking about the Government was facetiously called POLLY ticks. The +expression was finally used in earnest, and, by euphoric changes, +reached its present shape. + +_Cheese-it_.--This compound word has by some silly person been traced to +the Saxon _cyse_, meaning condensed cow, and the Celtic _it_, meaning +it. Now every way-faring man, even though _non compos mentis_, knows +that when he is invited to come in and cut a cheese, come in and take a +drop of whiskey is meant. This word, then, is derived from the Sanscrit +_cheese_, meaning drop, and the English _it_, meaning whatever you may +happen to be saying, and the whole expression may be properly translated +"drop that yarn." + +I might go on straight through the Dictionary, but I refrain, desiring +only to show you what a light and entertaining subject philology is, and +what quantities of fun you can get out of it on winter evenings. + +If any one should desire to pursue this subject further, let him go +through CHAUCER, SPENSER, SHAKSPEARE, and MILTON with a fine-tooth comb +and a pair of spectacles, looking for roots, and then try my book on +"Words and their Uses." He had better not attack the latter work on an +empty stomach. An empty head will be more appropriate. + + * * * * * + +The Mendicant Mission. + +Two fresh rumors about that unfortunate English Mission are afloat. One +is that it has been tendered to the Hon. HENRY T. BLOW; the other is +that the--well, no, not exactly Hon.--DAN. SICKLES is to be transferred +from Madrid to the Court of St. JAMES. 'Tis much the same thing. If BLOW +is appointed, it's BLOW; and if SICKLES is appointed, it's Blow, too. + + * * * * * + +Military Intelligence. + +The Fifth Regiment N.G.S.N.Y., composed altogether of Germans, have +adopted the Prussian helmet with a spike on top. This is appropriate, as +most Germans are linguists, and like to "spike the French." + + * * * * * + +Where to Commence the Civil Service Reform. + +In our Hotels and Restaurants. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Regarding me thoughtfully for a moment, MARGARET asks, "What is an 'old +comedy?'" + +I say to her, "An old comedy is to the comedy of to-day, precisely what +an old beau, padded, painted, simpering with false teeth, and leering +with rhumy eyes, is to a handsome, gallant young fellow, such as Mr. +LESTER WALLACK impersonates in _Ours_ or _School_." + +To which she replies, "What are roomy eyes, dear?" (Being her fourth +cousin by marriage, I am a sort of maiden aunt to her,--whence this +respectful familiarity.) "Eyes in which there is room for the honest +glances that never show themselves?'" + +I sternly remark that "nice girls never pun." + +"Yes," she replies; "punning, like beer and other vices, is the peculiar +prerogative of men, I suppose. But you need not be afraid. I read +PUNCHINELLO sometimes, and it is a terrible warning to people who are +tempted to pun. I could give you frightful instances of the appalling +depth to which the men who make puns in PUNCHINELLO occasionally sink." + +I hastily close the discussion by inviting her to come to WALLACK'S and +see an old comedy. So we find ourselves on the following evening in the +only theatre in the country where that rather important adjunct of a +theatre--a company--is to be found, + +There are quantities of elegant dresses in the house,--the ladies having +an idea that an old comedy is one of those things which every +fashionable person ought to see. There are also numbers of nice young +men, who, being the burning and shining lights of fashionable society +(after their day's work behind the counter is ended), come to be bored +by the old comedy, with a heroism which proves how immeasurably superior +to the influences of tape and calico are their youthful souls. By the +by, it is one of the unavoidable _désagréments_ of New York society that +the wearer of the elegant dress is often conscious that her partner in +the waltz knows precisely how many yards of material compose her skirt, +and exactly how much it cost per yard, for the excellent reason that he +himself measured it with his professional yard-stick, and cut it with +his private scissors. This, however, is a subject that belongs not to +old comedy, but to the extremely modern comedy of New York society. The +two resemble each other only so far as they are fashionable and dull. + +But to our WALLACKIAN old comedy. The curtain rises upon the veteran +GILBERT and the handsome ROCKWELL. They converse in the following style: + +GILBERT.--"Well, you young dog, ha! ha! So you have decided to make your +old uncle happy by marrying my neighbor's daughter. Gad! I remember my +own wedding-day. Well, well; we won't talk about that now, but hark ye, +you young villain, if you don't marry the girl, I cut you off with a +shilling." + +ROCKWELL.--"My dear uncle, I can have no greater pleasure than to fulfil +your wishes. But suppose our adorable young neighbor has the +ill-breeding to refuse me." + +GILBERT.--"Refuse you! Refuse my nephew? Gad! I'd like to see THOMAS +OLDBOY permit his daughter to refuse my nephew! I'd--d--e, I'd--" +(chokes and stamps with rage.) + +Further on we meet with Miss OLDBOY and her mother,--the latter a stout +old lady, addicted to smelling salts and yellow silks. + +LYDIA OLDBOY.--"To-day I am expecting the arrival of young WILDOATS, who +comes to pay his addresses to me. I wonder if he is like that dear, +delightful THADDEUS OF WARSAW." + +Mrs. OLDBOY.--"Now, Miss, remember that your honored father insists upon +this match. I expect you to be a dutiful daughter, and accede to his +wishes. Here comes the young man himself." + +ROCKWELL.--"My. dear Mrs. OLDBOY, I am charmed to see you. You are +looking positively younger than your ravishingly beautiful daughter. +Fair LYDIA, I come to lay my heart at your feet. 'Tis the wish of my +uncle and your honored father that we should unite our respective +houses. Let me touch that exquisite hand. Unseal those ruby lips and +tell me that I am the happiest of men." + +Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter. They chuckle, and poke one another in +the ribs, remarking "Gad" and "Zounds" at intervals. They bless the +young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira. The curtain falls as +OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the wish that they may +have a dozen children, and a cellar never without plenty of this +splendid old Madeira,--"that your father, bottled, Miss LYDIA, the year +our gracious sovereign came to the throne." + +This is a fair sample of the old comedy. The oaths are of course +omitted, out of deference to the tender susceptibilities of the editor +of PUNCHINELLO. So are the indecencies, which are the spice of the old +comedy, but which cannot be written in a respectable journal, and are +almost too gross and brutal for the _Sun_. Take from an old comedy its +oaths and its grossness, and nothing is left but a residuum of +boisterous inanity. The condensed old comedy which has just been laid +before the readers of PUNCHINELLO, is as inane and vapid as anything +that WALLACK'S theatre has shown us in the past month. Do you find it +dull? For my part, I don't hesitate to say that the "Essence of Old +Virginny," as furnished by the venerable poet, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, is +vastly more amusing than the Essence of Old Comedy. + +All of which I say, in my most impressive manner, to MARGARET as we +struggle through the crowded lobby. But she irreverently disputes my +assertions, and asks, "How is it that everybody admires these comedies +if they are so wretched as you say they are? Is your judgment better +than that of anybody else?" + +There being nothing to say, if I mean to maintain my ground, except that +my judgment is the only infallible critical judgment in this city or +elsewhere, I promptly and unblushingly say so. But MARGARET tells me I +am "a goose"--(I think I have mentioned that she is my aunt, and hence +allows herself these pleasing freedoms of speech)--and says that I shall +take her to see the old comedies every night, until I am willing to say +that I like them. + +Who is there that, in view of this threat, will not drop the tear of +sensibility, so neatly alluded to by Mr. STERNE, in sympathy with the +prospective sufferings of + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSITY-MANIA. + +MY DEAR P.:--I have made some curious observations of this disease, +which lead to startling conclusions. + +It is a malady peculiar to the United States, being an eruption +resulting from indigestion of unripe knowledge, together with excess of +vanity in individual blood. + +Universities spring up among us like mushrooms, in a night. The seed of +knowledge is sown broadcast over our land. In fact, in this particular +we may be said to be very seedy, indeed. + +For my part I have no objection to Universities--when they _are_ +Universities. But, at the rate at which we are now progressing, we shall +soon have "every man his own University." It will become the fashion to +keep a University in the back-yard. And then, you know, the institution +must have its own particular organ, you know. Every man, and every +member of his family, shall print his or her _Free Press_, and +independence of opinion shall reign. + + Glorious country! Glorious free speech! + With WALT WHITMAN, we may well exclaim: + O the BROWN University! + O the splendid University of SMITH! + O CORNELL, his University! + + _&c. ad infinitum._ + +As for me, dear NELLO, I am in the front rank of civilization. I have +accepted the Chair of Cane-bottom in a Grub-Street garret, and rejoice +in a barrel-organ, which plays with great freedom of speech. + +Yours pedagoguically, + +JEREMY DOGWOOD. + + * * * * * + +A. Sop for Ireland. + +It is stated that Queen VICTORIA has ordered from a Dublin manufacturer +an extensive assortment of Balbriggan hosiery for the wedding outfit of +the Princess LOUISE. There is a stroke of policy in this. In firemen's +phrase it may be called laying on the "hose" to quench disloyalty. + + * * * * * + +THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT. The Marine Hospital. + + * * * * * + +TRIALS OF A WITNESS. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO:--As all people seem to come to you with their troubles +and grievances, I hope you will not refuse to listen to my woes. And +whether they are woes or not, I leave you to judge for yourself. + +At the beginning of last week I made my first appearance in any +court-room, in the character of a witness, in the case of VALENTINE +vs. ORSON; in which the point in dispute was the ownership of a tract +of land in Wyoming Territory. I knew something in regard to the sale of +these lands, and was fully prepared to testify to the extent of my +knowledge in the premises; but judge of my utter surprise and horror on +being obliged to go through such an ordeal as the following extracts +from my examination will indicate. + +The counsel for the plaintiff commenced by asking me if I was a married +man, and when I had answered that. I was, he said:-- + +"Is your wife a believer in the principles of the Woman's Rights party?" + +I could not, for the life of me, see what this had to do with the land +in Wyoming, but I answered, that I was happy to say she was not. + +The examination then proceeded as follows:-- + +_Q._ You are happy, then, in your matrimonial relations? _A._ Yes--(and +remembering the oath) reasonably so. + +_Q._ Is your wife pretty? _A._ (Witness remembering at once his oath and +his wife's presence in court) She is pretty pretty. + +_Q._ What are her defects? _A._ (Witness remembering only his wife's +presence.) I have never been able to discover them. + +_Q._ Do you wear flannel? _A._ Yes, in winter. + +_Q._ Can you testify, upon your oath, that you do not wear flannel in +summer? _A._ I can. + +_Q._ Now be careful in your answer. What do you wear in the spring and +fall? _A._ I--I wear my common clothes. + +_Q._ With flannel, or without flannel? _A._ Sometimes with, and +sometimes without. + +_Q._ No evasion; you must tell the Court exactly when you wear flannel, +and when you do not. + +A series of questions on this subject brought out the fact that I wore +flannel when the weather was cold, or cool; and did not wear it when it +was mild, or warm. + +_Q._ Have you a lightning-rod on your house? _A._ I have. + +_Q._ How much did it cost you to have it put up? _A._ It has not cost me +anything yet--I owe for it. + +_Q._ Is that all you owe for? _A._ No, I have other debts. + +_Q._ Have you any money with you now? _A._ I have. + +_Q._ How much? _A._ (Counting contents of porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two +cents. + +_Q._ Where did you get that? _A._ (With embarrassment.) I borrowed it. + +_Q._ Were you present when defendant first offered his land for sale to +the plaintiff? _A._ (Brightening up.) I was. + +_Q._ Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? _A._ Gas. + +_Q._ How many burners? _A._ Ten, I think. + +_Q._ Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, that there are +only ten? _A._ (Witness counting on his fingers.) I am. + +_Q._ Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? _A._ Studs. + +_Q._ Gold, or pearl? _A._ Mother-of-pearl, as a general thing, but +sometimes I wear one gold one at the top. + +_Q._ Were all your studs of mother-of-pearl, at the time when you first +heard this transaction mentioned between the parties? _A._ They were. + +_Q._ Do you ever wear your gold stud in the middle of your bosom? _A._ +No, sir, I always wear it at the top. + +_Q._ Do you ever wear it at the bottom? Can you swear it was not at the +bottom on the day of the transaction referred to? _A._ I distinctly +remember that I did not wear it at all that day. + +_Q._ Did you wear it that night? _A._ No, sir. + +_Q._ Can you swear that after you went to bed you did not wear it? _A._ +I can. + +_Q._ Have you ever been vaccinated? _A._ I have. + +_Q._ On which arm? _A._ The left. + +_Q._ At the of the first mention of this land to the plaintiff, who were +present? _A._ (Witness speaking with hopeful vivacity, as if he hoped +they were now coming to the merits of the case.) The plaintiff, the +defendant, and myself. + +_Q._ Do you use the Old Dominion coffee-pot in your house? _A._ +(Dejectedly.) No, sir. + +_Q._ What kind of a coffee pot do you use? _A._ A common tin one. + +_Q._ You are willing to swear it is tin? _A._ I am. + +_Q._ Has your wife any sisters? _A._ She has two; ANNA and JANE. + +_Q._ Are they married _A._ They are. + +_Q._ Are either of them prettier than your wife? _A._ (Quickly.) No, +sir. + +_Q._ Have you any children? _A._ Two. + +_Q._ Have they had the measles? _A._ They have. + +_Q._ Has any other person in your household had the measles? _A._ I have +had them, and my wife has had them. + +_Q._ How do you know your wife has had them? _A._ She told me so. + +_Q._ Then you did not see her have them? _A._ No, sir. + +_Q._ We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear that she has +had them when you did not see her have them? _A._ She told me so, and I +believed her. + +_Q._ Did she take an oath that she had had them? _A._ No sir. + +_Q._ Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you understand the +obligations of an oath? _A._ I do. + +_Q._ Beware, then, that you are not committed for perjury. Is your +gas-metre ever frozen? _A._ Yes, sir. + +_Q._ What do you use when the gas will not burn? _A._ Candles. + +_Q._ How many to the pound? _A._ Nine. + +_Q._ How do you know there are nine to the pound? _A._ They are sold as +nines. + +_Q._ Then you never weighed them yourself? _A._ No, sir. + +_Counsel_, to the _Court_. May it please your Honor, this is the second +time that this witness has positively testified, under solemn oath, to +important points of which he has no certain knowledge. I ask the Court +for protection for myself and my client. + +Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the Judge, and +at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I suppose it is +expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; but I have +determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall appear as a +criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and they run so +little risk, nowadays, that their position is far preferable to that of +the unfortunate witnesses. + +J. BADGER. + + * * * * * + +Singular Fatuity. + +The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from Poland, is +the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout the Union a +heavy Pole tax. + + * * * * * + +THE A.B.C. OF NEW YORK SOCIALISM. ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THRILLING MELODRAMA. + +Scene: Lord DE VERE'S Manor: The Blue Chamber. + +_Lord De Vere._ "BUT ONE COURSE, LADY CLAUDE, IS LEFT TO RETRIEVE OUR +FALLEN FORTUNES. WITH THESE DEAD CATS WE'LL FLY TO MICHIGAN AND START A +MINERAL SPRING. THE MICHIGANDERS ARE WILD ABOUT THEIR SPRINGS, AND WITH +THIS MATERIAL OURS CANNOT BUT BE A SUCCESS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ONE OF OUR SOCIAL HUMBUGS. + +_Old Gent (figuring up probable receipts of his silver wedding, close at +hand)_. "I'VE HIRED A SPLENDID TEA-SERVICE FOR BROWN TO PRESENT TO US; +IT WILL MAKE QUITE A SENSATION, AND I'VE GOT IT CHEAP FOR THE EVENING."] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE POLICE. + +I, MARY SMITH. + + O gallant p'licemen, list to me, + I'll sing a mournful ditty + About a poor young serving-gal, + What lived in this here city. + + She had a name, and SMITH it was + (The rest of it was MARY); + Her constant duty, at daybreak, + Was sweeping out the arey. + + One evening she went to a jig + (Her missus was attending + A private hop), when there befel + What truly was heart-rending. + + She wore her missus' gayest clothes, + Her muslin dress all fluty, + Her waterfall and tag-rags all, + Which well became her beauty. + + But missus found poor MARY out, + And in a p'liceman took her, + And walked her up before the Judge, + On charge of being a hooker. + + The missus swore the girl a thief + Her property as lifted, + Which proved beyond all doubt would be + When things came to be sifted. + + The girl said she'd been to a jig; + Then out spoke Judge MCCARTY, + "You must not wear the fixings of + A party to a party." + + They sent her up for sixteen months,-- + Oh! drop a tear to MARY, + Whose missus ne'er shall see her more + A-sweeping out the arey. + + * * * * * + +Sic Transit. + +Life being in any event a transitory affair, and especially so in New +York, where, every one lives some miles from his business, our means of +transit are of interest to every one. However well the owners of those +at present in use may insist that they are, yet the public feels they +should be better, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO, having the interest of his +fellow-citizens at heart, most earnestly hopes that the undertakers of +the last new scheme will not so mistake the meaning of this term as to +suppose that their business with it is simply to bury it. + + * * * * * + +Discounting a Bill. + +The Germans are disposed to glorify their king, and look upon him as the +Great WILLIAM; but when they commence to calculate the cost of his +glory, in men slaughtered, homes desolated, women beggared, industries +destroyed, taxes increased, and liberty chained, it is more than +probable that they will become disgusted with their Little BILL. + + * * * * * + +Query + +Can Russia's designs upon Turkey, at this season of the year, be +attributed to her admiration and imitation of New England Thanksgiving +customs? + + * * * * * + +A Maniac's Mutterings. + +PUNCHINELLO'S special Lunatic gives it as his opinion, that a +continuance of a horse-flesh diet in Paris must go far towards +disturbing the Parisian Equine-imity. + + * * * * * + +An Old Saw Sharpened. + +Some one has applied the old Latin motto, _"Horas non numero nisi +serenas,"_ to Mr. GREELEY, by making it read, "HORACE is of no account +except when serene," which, by the by, he never is. + + * * * * * + +Query for Naturalists. + +How can a person who stands four feet in his boots be called biped? + + * * * * * + +DENTS-LY FILLED. Government offices. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KING WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA WAITING FOR HIS ALLY.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON MARK TWAIN'S BABY. + +The "Lait Gustice" congratulates the newly organized Papa. + +SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT. + +Friend TWAIN--Allow an old statesman, which has served his country for 4 +yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery letter to you on +your success as a boy raisest. Altho your name is MARK TWAIN, I notiss +that on this occashon you dident Mark but One. + +I am a little older in years and _Parentelism_ than you are, and am able +to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are the sole +proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children. + +Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as +long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little +wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face. + +If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin nites, obtain +a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you pull off your +butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons full, and he will +sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller. Should he kick & +squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto the floor, set on him, +then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down his throte, and you've +got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle 20 yeers snooze. + +To amoose him--If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin, +washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set +him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of geografy, when you +come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which +Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map. + +Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play +learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little +_shaver smart_. + +If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him cultivate +cheek. This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin cheer, and +lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter time. In the +summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how neer he come to +the venerable lady's nose without breakin her spectorcals. If this don't +make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him pour a lot of benzine onto +his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red hot cole stove. If he can do +this and think it a joak, he will do for a cabinet offiser. + +If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with shot, same as +_your_ man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into him with a mustick. + +If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let your son +rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite +a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they +catch your little _innocent abroad_. + +JOHN BULL don't tickle easy, remember that. I actually believe you +couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas. + +As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be surprised if +he got up quite a _breeze_ on the roast-rum. In fact, when he opens his +mouth before an audience, look out for _squalls_. + +When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember the "good +little boy," and examine your son's garments to see if the lad has been +roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental hand, when +brought in contact with the youth's _habeas corpus_, mite necessitate the +sweepin up of father and son's scattered remnants. + +Let your son reed the works on good morril men's lives. + +By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in +pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works of +fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as +HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin. +Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous +jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic +dodge over 'em. + +I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it +is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can +occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes +to kick over the traces. + +Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set _your_ foot down +when you first get married your wimmen will raise _their_ foot up, and +afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the +street. + +With boys you must begin talkin _turkey_, when they are young _goblins_, +ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will "strike for their +sires," and _gobble_ up the old man's scalp. + +Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission, +when it comes his turn. + +Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are +on the _decline_, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I shouldent be +surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which +minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like lager beer? + +Give 'er up? + +Because it ruins any _minister's_ reputation, who goes for it. + +Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your mantle may +not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with greased wings, you +may make the family name _sound_ by bein able to Mark Twain in your +family record, I drop the goose feather. + +Ewers, parentally, + +HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + * * * * * + +A SURE WAY OF DOING IT. + +Seekers after notoriety must often be at their wits' end for some new +sensation with which to advertise themselves. Mr. TWAIN, for instance, +having gone through Fenianism and France, seems to have collapsed for +the present; and here now comes Mr. WEMYSS JOBSON, who subsided into +oblivion years ago, but has just emerged again into the light of _The +Sun_. The efforts of both these gentlemen to keep themselves prominently +before the public, however, are very inadequate and feeble. They should +suffer more and be stronger. Let TRAIN do a bold stroke of business by +declaring himself the perpetrator of the latest mysterious murder, and +it might be the making of the exhumed JOBSON to revive a fossilized +memory, and confess himself to be the criminal who delivered the fatal +blow to the late Mr. WILLIAM PATTERSON. + + * * * * * + +True to his Colors. + +A Bostonian visiting New York, not long since, and reading in the papers +that there was to be a celebration of Mass in an up-town church, decided +to remain over Sunday for it, thinking, Bostonially, that Mass meant +Massachusetts and nothing else. + + * * * * * + +SUITABLE INSCRIPTION FOR A BOATMAN'S RACE-PRIZE. "The noblest +Row-man of them all." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A NEW LEAF IN THE FAMILY HISTORY. + +_Jack._ "NOW, I'LL BE PAPA, GOING TO FIX THE FURNACE." + +_Sallie_. "OH, YES!--AND I'LL BE THE NEW NURSE, AND YOU MUST KISS ME +BEHIND THE CELLAR DOOR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE TIMES. + +EXPLANATORY OF MR. JOHN BULL'S VIEWS.] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO XIII. + + When I was a bachelor I lived by myself; + All the bread and cheese I had, I laid upon the shelf. + But the rats and the mice they made such a strife, + I was forced to go to London to buy myself a wife. + The roads were so bad, and the lanes were so narrow, + I had to bring my wife home in a wheelbarrow. + The wheelbarrow broke. My wife had a fall; + Deuce take the wheelbarrow, my wife, and all. + +The above lines were written when the author was quite advanced in +years; when he had solved, in his humble way, the great problem of life, +and discovered the futility of mundane things generally, and t +undesirableness of an unsuccessful or unfortunate existence; when he +could look back through a long vista of years, and see the follies of +his youth and the mistakes of his manhood. It should have been placed at +the end of his book, with only the word Finis after it; but somehow, +either by mistake of the author or of the publisher, it was placed among +the records of the simple events of the village, and thus loses half its +force. However, let the history, placed as it is, be a warning to rash +young men who contemplate matrimony; and let them give heed to it, lest +they also have cause to repent of their doings and exclaim with the +poet:-- + + "The deuce take it." + +Observe how pathetic and touching his reminiscence of his lost youth and +the priceless boon of liberty. He commences in a quiet descriptive way, +leaving one at a loss to know whether it is to be a joyful lyric a dirge +he intends singing. + + "When I was a bachelor I lived by myself; + All the bread and cheese I had I laid upon the shelf." + +Here we have him alone, at peace with himself and the world; happy in +the contemplation of his beloved muse; jotting down, now and then, the +brilliant ideas that flash through his teeming brain; and munching in +solitude his homely meal of bread and cheese. In telling us he laid his +bread and cheese upon the shelf, he at once shows he had left his +parental abode, and the ministering and watchful care of his maternal +parent. + +There must, of course, have been a cause for such a step. Some reason +why the gentle being should have been wrought up to that pitch, when he +daringly throws off all restraint, and steps into the world to act and +think for himself. It may have been the want of sympathy that drove him +to the act. They were plain folks, and didn't appreciate his peculiar +turn of mind, and so only laughed at him, and ridiculed his pretensions. +That there was a quarrel there is no manner of doubt, and it was +probably caused by the mortifying act of his mother in fainting when he +read her the poetry he had written at her request. That, in itself, was +enough to break all ties between them. She was horrified and overwhelmed +with dismay that a child of hers could be guilty of such atrocious +rhymes; and he, in turn, was disgusted that a mother of his should be so +unappreciative and earthly. And so, by mutual consent, they separated. + +That accounts for his bachelor habit of laying his bread and cheese on +the shelf that he might have it handy, and not forget where he had +placed it. But as + + "The rats and mice made such a strife," + +he found that would never do. Something else must be thought of; and +being an inventive genius, he tried putting it in his trunk, but it +scented his Sunday jacket and trousers, and the girls all turned up +their noses at the odd perfume. So, driven to extremity, he in an evil +hour decided, as many another has since done, that the remedy for his +ills was matrimony, and that it was not well for man to live alone. + +A Prophet is without honor in his own country, and so ofttimes is a +Poet. To his bashful supplication of "Wilt thou?" the young maidens if +his village unhesitatingly refused to wilt, and thus it was that +circumstances forced him + + "To go to London to buy himself a wife." + +How fortunate that he should give us, inadvertently as it were, the +information so necessary to the unlucky young men of this later day, the +best place to go shopping for wives! No man after reading the above need +say "he doesn't marry because he cannot, as no one will have him." He +need not stop for that hereafter, but just go to London, pick out one to +suit, pay the price, and bag the article. It can all be done in a day, +and save time wonderfully. + +He bought his wife--a cheap one undoubtedly--and gave his promise to +pay; then started homeward, feeling his importance as a married man, and +chuckling over the idea of the astonishment and dismay of the rats and +mice when he should set his wife after them, and thereby deprive them of +their daily rations. But while musing thus, he discovers his wile shows +signs of fatigue, as + + "The roads were bad, and the lanes were narrow," + +and not wishing to have her exhausted before commencing business, he +gallantly determined to give her a ride, well knowing she would need all +her strength for the battle he intended she should win. + +So borrowing a wheelbarrow of a trusting neighbor, he seated her +therein, and amid great rejoicing at his extraordinary "luck" he set +forward. But now comes the sad part of the story: + + "The wheelbarrow broke--my wife had a fall." + +And what a fall was there, my countrymen! Words are inadequate. The +scene was indescribable, and we leave a blank that each may picture it +to suit themselves. + +After the excitement occasioned by the catastrophe was somewhat abated, +he picked up the pieces and tried to put the wheelbarrow together again. +But it was too far gone; it was un-put-togetherable, and so he, more in +sorrow than anger, stood gazing at the wreck, while his wife, being a +woman, could not resist the impulse to cry exultingly, "I told you so; I +knew it." That on top of all the rest of his trouble was a little too +much; and after fumbling over the pieces a while, "I told you so" +ringing in his ears, he completely lost his temper, and vented his +passion in the words:-- + + "The deuce take the wheelbarrow."-- + +and then in a low voice, cautiously turning his head aside, he added:-- + + "My wife and all." + +Together they trudged homeward. Fearful misgivings as to the wisdom of +his step came swooping down upon him, and he almost wished he had not +tried to mend matters, but had patiently borne with the rats, when +suddenly--the vision of a _cat_ swept athwart his mind, and he groaned +aloud in bitterness of spirit. + +Not even the ever after clean hearth-stone, with the dead bodies of his +enemies, the rats, piled thereon, could make him forget that one moment +of agonizing consciousness, when he realized for the first time that he +had burdened himself with a wife when a cat would have answered as well. + + * * * * * + +HURLY-BURLY. + + No wonder that the folks turn pale + And preachers talk of doom, + Since by each telegram and mail + Come words of awful gloom: + + Explosions of N. glycerine; + Expulsion of the Pope; + Earthquakes along the Eastern line + And THE PACIFIC SLOPE. + + Surely the world is upside down, + Its framework out of joint; + At coming change all things of town + And country seem to point: + + The very sea some day may try + To climb the mountain side, + And hill-folks yet be staggered by + THE MOANING OF THE TIED. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +By Diligence from Paris to Versailles--Fastest Time on Record--Happy +Travelling Companions--Mud, Misery, and Malignity--Life on the Road. + + +NEAR ST. CLOUD, NINTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +It would have done you good to see us getting over that muddy, jagged, +rutty old turnpike that leads off from the south of the Bois de Boulogne +toward St. Cloud and Versailles. Since writing my last, I had been to +Paris _par ballon monté,_ and was now returning in the _diligence_ that +took five American ladies and a couple of war correspondents, all +friends of WASHBURNE, away from the temptation of eating horse-flesh in +the beleaguered city, to such edibles as the rapacity of the German +appetite had left undevoured in the neighborhood of the old "stamping +grounds" of Louis XVI. We were not a jolly party. It rained in torrents, +and our little driver perched upon the box in front smoked the most +infernal tobacco I ever smelt. Moreover, the horses were not lively +steeds. They were rather safe than otherwise, and not given to running +away. Although the driver addressed himself to their flanks, between +each puff of smoke, with a pointed stick, they didn't rear and plunge so +as to frighten the ladies, and that was a point gained, albeit we had +leisure to count the pickets in the fences as we dragged toward our +destination. One of our lady passengers came from Connecticut, and she +talked with a nutmeg dialect that made her garrulity oftentimes quite +spicy. We two sat back to back, and when the vehicle lurched heavily her +chignon took me "amidships" (if I may be permitted the expression) with +a concussion that felt like the impact of a muffled ball from a +six-pound field howitzer. "Goodness gracious, dew git eout of the way +and give me some room, man!" she would exclaim as our wagon plunged into +a three-foot "gore" and the coachee plied his pointed ramrod with +increased vigor to the attenuated haunches of the insensible beasts. + +"My dear madam, you will perceive that I cannot 'git' any further +without climbing upon the back of my companion in front." Lord knows I +would have given a hundred francs to be out of her reach; but we had +been all ticketed and labelled through under the same "pass," and there +was no such thing as dissolving partnership _now._ + +"Ugh!" she muttered, putting her handkerchief to her nose, "and that +horrid smoke too!" But the imperturbable director of our flight took no +heed, and drew away at his clay idol with unabated satisfaction. 'Twas +thus we jogged on for five weary hours, "OLD CONNECTICUT" charging head +foremost at my spinal column with a frequency and momentum that made me +believe, finally, she did it on purpose. Three miles out from St. Cloud +we found the road completely blocked up with artillery wagons, and saw +large masses of troops moving through the fields on either side. It +still rained incessantly, and the forlornness of the situation was no +wise relieved by the distant booming of guns, and the sucking sound of +the wheels in the mud. + +"Oh, my!" sail a thin, squeaky voice on the back seat. "I believe they +are coming this way. Do let us get out, SARAH. I would rather die on the +road than be murdered in such a sepulchre as this." + +She referred to a battalion of the Landwehr that had just denied into +the road, not a hundred yards in front of us. + +"Stop your sniffling back there!" peevishly exclaimed "OLD CONNECTICUT." +"It would serve you right if they bayonetted you;" and she added +emphasis to her expostulation by planting her chignon between my +shoulder-blades with terrific force. + +I felt at once that either my back or my gallantry would have to give +way; so I took a bond of fate, and sacrificed the latter on the spot. + +"That'll do--that'll do," I remonstrated. "No more of that; if you want +to knock the brains out of that haystack on the back of your head, why, +knock away; but spare my bones, if you please." + +I looked around, and she looked around with such suddenness as to bring +her nose in contact with the brim of my hat, and force the tears from +her eyes. She started to her feet, and I verily believe would not have +postponed hostilities a moment, had not the door of the _diligence_ just +then been opened, and a Prussian officer demanded to see our papers. I +paraded the "documents," and he said they were "good;" but he also said +that we must make up our minds to halt here until the following morning, +as there was a movement of the troops, and no vehicles would be +permitted to pass this point. + +_Gaudeamus!_ I could have sworn, but my wrath sailed away when I saw +what a volcano was working in the bosom of "OLD CONNECTICUT." She didn't +strike the officer, or utter a single complaint in his hearing, but sat +down as if she had been a spile driven through the top of the coach, and +let the vinegar run out of her eyes in pure impotency of speechless +rage. + +"SARAH'S" companion on the back seat broke forth afresh, and again +wanted to know as to the probability of our being charged upon and put +to the sword. I couldn't hear "SARAH'S" answers to these harrowing +questions, but it seemed to me as if she were trying to throttle her +timid friend into a perfect sense of security. Whatever she did had the +desired effect, and I heard no more from the "back seat." + +It was nightfall ere the several members of our little colony composed +themselves to await in such tranquillity as they could command, the +ordeal of sleeping, sitting bolt upright in a French _diligence,_ upon a +dark, tempestuous night, and surrounded on all sides by the dreadful +presence of "red-handed war." The last thing I remember ere the drowsy +god "MURPHY" sent his fairies to weave their cobwebs about my eyelids, +was "OLD CONNECTICUT." She didn't look like the battering-ram that she +was. She had taken that chignon for a pillow, and fastened it to the +back of the seat. Her head was thrown back; her chin had fallen, and at +the extreme tip of her thin red nose a solitary tear glistened like a +dew-drop on a beet. Once, about midnight, she awoke me by her snoring, +but I gave the old gal's chignon a hitch, and it was all right again. + +Yours, somniferously, + +DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THOSE COUNTRY COUSINS AGAIN. + +_Celia (just arrived from the country)._ "JUST THINK, JANE, COUSIN JOHN +IS TO BE MY ESCORT TO THE FRENCH BAZAAR AND THE NILSSON CONCERTS, AND +BOOTH'S AND WALLACE'S, AND THE OPERA BOUFFÉ, AND LOTS OF OTHER +FIRST-CLASS SHOWS!"] + + * * * * * + +FACTS ABOUT THE ENGLISH MISSION. + +It is not true that I ever accepted the English Mission; and if any man +says I did, I now deliberately brand him as a Liar and Villain. + +I am not going to deny that the place was offered me, but I do +unhesitatingly, say that I never absolutely consented to take it. + +Gen. GRANT may have construed my note on the subject as an unqualified +acceptance, but that was owing entirely to his devouring desire to get +the thing off his hands, and not to any ambiguity in my language. + +"No, Mr. PRESIDENT," I said in the note, "far be it from me to stand +between my friend, Mr. GREELEY, and the gratification of his noble +desire to wear military things at receptions abroad. Moreover your +Excellency, I would not for the world deprive our cousins and other +relations in England of an opportunity to cultivate the grand old art of +swearing under the instruction of so eminent a professor as HORACE." + +This is the sort of language I used, and I don't see how any man except +Gen. GRANT could get hold of it the wrong way. + +Of course I had some reasons besides those stated in my note for +declining the Mission, but I did not want to hurt the President's +feelings by going over the whole ground. + +It was not unknown to me that the situation had been offered to about +five thousand persons before it came round to my turn, or that the +English Mission had fallen into a general decline. I knew all about that +just as well as Gen. GRANT, but it would not have done any good to +parade my knowledge on the subject. + +There was the Hon. THOS. JENKINS who refused to take it, because his +wife had a prejudice against Bulls ever since she was scared by one that +chased her five miles for no other reason than that she was what might +be called a red woman--well-read in the exciting house-wife literature +of the day. JENKINS positively declined. + +Then it was offered to Col. CANNONAYDE, who declined it because his +mother-in-law declared that she would go along too, if he went, and he +thought it would be better not to let her have a change of air, as she +was in a fair way to wind up pretty soon by remaining near those swamps. +CANNONAYDE wanted the place kept open till after the funeral, but this +was not granted. + +The next offer was made to Gen. BRAYLEIGH; but _he_ refused it on the +ground that he had made arrangements for going into the coal trade, and +he could not be sure of holding the place more than a few weeks. Anyway, +he thought it would not pay to give up the coalition he had entered into +with another party. In fact, old BRAYLEIGH treated the whole matter very +coldly. + +It was next tendered to the Hon. THEOPHILUS SKINNER, but peremptorily +declined because SKINNER'S district had become Democratic since he was +elected, and he knew that if he resigned an infamous cannibal copperhead +would be sent to Congress in his stead. SKINNER consulted all the +leaders of his party, and they unanimously agreed that it would be +better to let every court in Europe be without an American +representative than risk the loss of that district. + +Everybody knows why the Rev. Dr. BANGWELL, of Chicago, did not accept +it. The Doctor expected his divorce case to come on in a few days, and +could not neglect that; and besides, he had made all the arrangements +for his other marriage, and sent out the invitations. If the President +had just made some inquiries before appointing Dr. BANGWELL, he could +have found out that the Doctor's engagements would not permit him to +leave Chicago on any account. + +The offer that was made to Col. KAMPSTUHL was declined solely because +the Colonel had an old score to settle with Gen. GRANT for something in +the way of a court-martial that happened near Tricksburg. He swore that +he would get square with the author of that business sometime, and when +the mission was offered to him (by accident, for Gen GRANT had forgotten +all about the court-martial), he got up a sepulchral voice, and said, +"Ha, ha! R-e-e-e-vendge at last!" and then wrote a bitter letter to +Washington on the subject. + +After that it was peddled all round the country in a promiscuous way, +and offered in succession to a blacksmith who used to shoe horses for +Gen. GRANT, a conductor who refused to take fare from a well-known +Presidential excursion party, a dealer in hides who had conferred some +high obligations when a certain official was in the tanning business, a +grocery-keeper, a family shoemaker, a manufacturer of matches, and such +a multitude of people, in fact, that it finally got to be looked upon as +the greatest missionary undertaking of modern times. + +The only really prominent man that the place was not tendered to is +GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN; but I wouldn't say that it won't get around to him +somewhere in Asia before the circle is completed. + +All these things were very well known to me before the office was placed +at my disposal, but I did not care to wound the fine sensibilities of +the President by saying anything about them in my note. + +My reason for declining in favor of Mr. GREELEY has been stated--I put +the whole matter frankly to Gen. GRANT--but I can't say whether the +suggestion I offered has been acted upon or not. The only thing I am +certain about on this point is, that if the offer should be made to +HORACE, it won't get around to GEORGE FRANCIS afterwards. + +There has been so much talk about this business, that I have considered +it a sacred duty to state the facts and let some floods of light shine +upon the whole thing. The duty is now conscientiously, discharged. + +DARBY DODD. + + * * * * * + +The Truth In a Nut-shell + +CHANCELLOR CROSBY, in his inaugural address, has, we may say, bored +right to the root of the whole vexed question of education, and +extracted it, as will be seen from this extract: "It need hardly be +urged," says the new Chancellor, and we hope, all the discontented will +take the full force of the remark, "It need hardly be urged that the +didaskalos should be didaktitos, and yet perhaps emphasis on so plain a +truth may be sometimes necessary." Let us thank the Chancellor for +forever removing this necessity. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | Have made very large additions to their stock of | + | | + | CLOAK VELVETS, VELVETEENS, PLUSHES, ASTRAKHANS, MILLINERY | + | and TRIMMING VELVETS, Etc. | + | | + | THE MOST CELEBRATED | + | | + | CLOAK VELVETS. | + | | + | CONFINED STYLES, | + | | + | AT | + | | + | UNPRECEDENTED BARGAINS, | + | | + | CONSEQUENT ON PURCHASES MADE IN | + | | + | LYONS AND OTHER CENTRES | + | | + | OF MANUFACTURE, AT PANIC PRICES. | + | | + | For the convenience of Customers, the above are exhibited in | + | the Section of the main floor next to the corner of Tenth | + | street, | + | | + | BROADWAY, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE EXHIBITING | + | | + | An Important Purchase of | + | | + | Rich Plain Silks, | + | | + | 27 INCHES WIDE, KNOWN AS | + | | + | UNWATERED MOIRE ANTIQUE, | + | | + | REPRESENTING IN VALUE | + | | + | $100,000, | + | | + | AT $4 AND $4.50 PER YARD, | + | | + | THE SAME HAVING BEEN SOLD AT $6 AND $6.50 | + | PER YARD. | + | | + | SPECIAL ATTENTION IS INVITED TO THESE | + | GOODS FOR HOLIDAY PRESENTS. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | BLACK AND WHITE | + | STRIPED SILKS, | + | AT 75c. PER YARD. | + | | + | Plain Japanese Silks, | + | HIGH COLORS, | + | AT 75c. PER YARD. | + | | + | Three Cases Fancy Silks, | + | IN VARIOUS STYLES-FRESH GOODS, | + | $1 PER YARD. | + | | + | Five Cases Dress Silks, | + | NICE QUALITY, | + | $2 PER YARD. | + | | + | A LARGE QUANTITY OF | + | BONNET BLACK SILKS, | + | AT $3.75 AND $3 PER YARD. | + | | + | REAL IRISH POPLINS, NEW, | + | $2 PER YARD. | + | | + | A FULL LINE OF | + | IRISH TARTAN POPLINS, | + | IN TWENTY-FIVE DIFFERENT CLANS. | + | | + | AMERICAN BLACK SILKS, | + | GUARANTEED TO WEAR WELL, | + | $2 PER YARD. | + | | + | FORMING IN ALL RESPECTS THE MOST | + | ATTRACTIVE STOCK THEY HAVE | + | EVER OFFERED. | + | | + | BROADWAY, Fourth Ave., | + | | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) . . $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) . . . 2.00 | + | " " three months, . . . . . . . . . . . 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 | + | | + | | + | "We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for. . . . . . $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | _Wild Roses._ 12-1/8 x 9. | + | | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/5 x 10-1/4--for. . . . . . . . . $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. | + | Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14 | + | | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12 for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; | + | The Unconscious Sleeper; | + | The Two Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4 | + | | + | Spring; Summer; Autumn 12-1/8 x 16-1/2. | + | | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for . . . . . . $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4 | + | | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for . $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and | + | | + | Six American Landscapes. (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, | + | price $9.00--for . . . . . . . . . . . . $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-1/8 | + | | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromes.) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be _mailed free_ on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: THE PROPOSAL. + +_Ambitious Foreigner._ "AH! MEECE BULLION, BECAUSE I AM POOR YOU SCORN +MY HAND; BUT REMEMBER HOW ZE POET HE TELL YOU ZE MAN'S ZE GOLD." + +_Miss B._ "GO DOWN TO PAR, THEN--_I_ HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY ON THE +SUBJECT."] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" AND "THE UNITED | + | STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,73 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of Printing, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West. | + | | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE | + | ROUTE. | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | | + | And all Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING-COACHES on all Express Trains. | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE: revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE one of the delights and pleasures of | + | this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I. ENDING SEPT. 24 | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are enclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 | + | Single copies 10 | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt | + | of ten cents. | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price $2.50, for 5 50 | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, for 7 00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE, | + | | + | Author of | + | | + | "THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD" | + | | + | AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS, | + | | + | Will Commence a New Serial | + | | + | IN THE NUMBER OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | JANUARY; 7th, 1871, | + | | + | Written expressly for this Paper. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A CHRISTMAS STORY, | + | | + | "Written expressly for this Paper, | + | | + | By FRANK R. STOCKTON, | + | | + | Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc., | + | | + | WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH, AND | + | CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 37, +December 10, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 37 *** + +***** This file should be named 10544-8.txt or 10544-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/5/4/10544/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and +the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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