diff options
Diffstat (limited to '10544-h/10544-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 10544-h/10544-h.htm | 2086 |
1 files changed, 2086 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/10544-h/10544-h.htm b/10544-h/10544-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f7d5a2b --- /dev/null +++ b/10544-h/10544-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2086 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 37.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10544 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>TIFFANY & CO.,</big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>UNION SQUARE,<br> + </big></p> + <p>Offer a large and choice stock of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> <big>LADIES' +WATCHES,</big></p> + <p>Of all sizes and every variety of Casing, with Movements of +the finest quality.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/163.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 37.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp,<br> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b></small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + align="center" border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="4" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Extra Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>is now ready for delivery,</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN<br> + <br> + </small> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO<br> + <br> + </small> JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p><big><b>FACTS FOR THE LADIES.</b></big></p> + <p><small>I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought +of Mr. Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it +constantly, in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, sixteen +years. My wife ran it four years, and earned between $700 and $800, +besides doing her housework. I have never expended fifty cents on it +for repairs. It is, to-day, in the best of order, stitching fine linen +bosoms nicely. I started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and +now have over one hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 +for the stitching done by this old machine, and it will do as much now +as any machine I have.</small></p> + <p>W.F. TAYLOR.</p> + <p>BERLIN, N.Y.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW YORK</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DAILY DEMOCRAT,</big></big></p> + <p><i><br> +AN EVENING PAPER.<br> + </i></p> + <p><i><br> + </i></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">JAMES H. LAMBERT,</p> + <p>EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR.</p> + <p>All the news fifteen hours in advance of Morning Papers.</p> + <br> + <p>PRICE TWO CENTS.</p> + <br> + <p>Subscription price by mail, $6.00.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">500 VOLUMES IN ONE:<br> + <big>AGENTS WANTED</big><br> + <small><span style="font-weight: normal;">FOR</span></small><br> + <big>The Library of Poetry and Song.</big></p> + <p><i>Being Choice Selections from the Best Poets,</i></p> + <p><small>ENGLISH, SCOTCH, IRISH, AND AMERICAN.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">With +an Introduction by</span><br> +WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT.</p> + <p><small>This volume is the handsomest and cheapest subscription +book extant, and contains in itself more to give it enduring fame and +make it universally popular than any book ever published. It is +something in it, of <i>the best</i>, for every one—for the old, the +middle aged, and the young. It has intellectual food for every taste +and for every mood and phase of human feeling, from the merriest humor +up, through all the gradations of feeling, to the most touching and +tender pathos. Excepting the Bible, this will be the book most loved, +and the most frequently referred to in the family.</small></p> + <p><small>The whole work, page by page, poem by poem, has passed +under the educated criticism and scholarly eye of WILLIAM CULLEN +BRYANT, a man reverenced<br> +among men, a poet great among poets.</small></p> + <p><small><i>This is a Library of over</i> 500 <i>Volumes in one +book</i>, whose contents, of no ephemeral nature or interest, will +never grow old or stale. It can be, and will be, read and re-read with +pleasure as long as its leaves hold together. Over <b>800</b> pages +beautifully printed, choicely illustrated, handsomely bound. Sold only +through Agents, by subscription.</small></p> + <p><small>Teachers, Clergymen, active Men, intelligent Women, can +all secure good pay with light work by taking an agency for this book. +Terms very liberal.</small></p> + <p>Send for Circular containing full particulars to</p> + <p>J.B. FORD & CO., 39 Park Row, N.Y.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b><br> + <big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.<br> + </b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,<br> + </small> <b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,<br> + </b> Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</span><br> +Supplied by the</p> + <p><b>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</b></p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b><big><big>FOLEY'S<br> + <br> + </big></big> <big><big><big>GOLD PENS.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></b> THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <br> + <p><b>256 BROADWAY.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p><br> +33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Open Every Day from</p> + <p>10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <br> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b><br> +Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.<br> + </small></p> + <p><small><br> + </small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum,<br> +in advance; 50 cts. per number.<br> +Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>MAN AND WIVES.</b></p> + <p>A TRAVESTY.</p> + <p><b>By MOSE SKINNER.</b></p> + <p>CHAPTER FOURTH.</p> + <p>THE HALF-WAY HOUSE</p> + <p><img alt="T" align="left" src="images/165.jpg">he first person +to discover that ANN BRUMMET had left the house, was Mrs. LADLE, Now, +ever since the Hon. MICHAEL had asked ANN to go to the circus, Mrs. +LADLE had hated her. But when he took ANN to the Agricultural Fair, and +bought her a tin-type album and a box of initial note-paper, Mrs. LADLE +was simply raving. Whether she herself was viewing the Hon. MICHAEL +with an eye matrimonial, and was jealous of ANN, must remain an open +question. At any rate, she was the first to start the scandal about ANN +and JEFFRY, and lost no time in conveying it to the ears of the Hon. +MICHAEL, with profuse embellishments. At the croquet party the Hon. +MICHAEL had been particularly sweet on ANN, his ardor finding vent in +such demonstrations as throwing kisses at her slyly, holding up printed +lozenges for her inspection, or tossing sticks at her and dodging +behind a tree. And when Mrs. LADLE went to ANN'S room next day, for a +good square scold, she found her out.</p> + <p>Now Mrs. LADLE was a mother-in-law, and consequently a pretty +old fowl in ferreting out things of this sort. She determined to +discover the why and wherefore of ANN'S departure. If she could +confront the Hon. MICHAEL with proofs of ANN'S indiscretion, it would +be the loudest kind of feather in her cap.</p> + <p>She examined everybody in the house, and everybody that went +by the house, but without the smallest result. She was out in the front +yard waiting for a fresh victim, when she saw HERSEY DEATHBURY coming +up the road. She signed to her to come in.</p> + <p>She came in.</p> + <p>HERSEY DEATHBURY was an extraordinary woman. A woman of +genius, sir. What if her make-up <i>was</i> limited? What if, when she +was born, nature <i>was</i> economizing, and gave her only one eye, +and she was lame and hump-backed, and hadn't got any eyebrows and wore +a wig; what of that? It's to her credit, <i>I</i> say. You saw her +just as she was. No airs <i>there</i>. And in this lay the great charm +of H. DEATHBURY'S character. Looking at her closely, you would see a +fixed and stony eye and a chronic scowl, and you would say: +"Disposition a little morose; some man has soured on her." Looking at +her more closely, you would see under her right arm a common +blackboard, such as is used in schools, and over her shoulder a canvas +bag containing lumps of chalk, and you would say: "A little eccentric; +likes to write on the blackboard instead of talking. Would make a nice +wife. Looks, on the whole, like a country schoolma'am, whom the boys +have stoned out of town, with the fixtures of the school-house tied to +her." But she has talents. What is she, an authoress? "Yes, she is." +But, like other authoresses, she isn't appreciated, and has returned to +her legitimate occupation, the Wash-Tub; but still doth she itch for +fame, and so, between times, she writes verbose essays on Female +Suffrage, composed during the process known as "wringing." And when +there's a Woman's Rights Convention in that locality, she sits on the +platform, and applauds all the Red-Hot Resolutions with that trenchant +female weapon, the umbrella, in one hand, and an antediluvian reticule +the other. In the words of the Hon. MICHAEL: "She is not only a leading + <i>Re</i>former, sir, but a great <i>Plat</i>former." And Mrs. +LADLE will tell you that, as a washer, she is superb. She "does up +things" in a manner simply celestial.</p> + <p>Mrs. LADLE told her first to shut the door.</p> + <p>"Have you seen ANN BRUMMET to-day?" she said.</p> + <p>HERSEY nodded.</p> + <p>"Where?" was the eager inquiry.</p> + <p>HERSEY DEATHBURY placed her blackboard against the wall, +unslung her chalk, and wrote in very large letters:—</p> + <p>"I C hur a-Goin on The rode 2 forneys Kragg."</p> + <p>"Ah!" ejaculated Mrs. LADLE joyfully, "traced at last." And +she ran to tell the Hon. MICHAEL all about it.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.75em;">* +* *</span> </div> + <p>The Half-Way House at Forney's Crag was a hoary-headed old +vagabond of a house, that had passed the heyday of its youth long +before that great encyclopaedia, the oldest inhabitant, emitted his +first infantile squawk. Each successive season caused it to lean a +little more and the most casual observer must perceive that it couldn't +by any possibility become much leaner without pining entirely away.</p> + <p>Nevertheless, it had been the only hotel that Spunkville could +boast, all within a short period of this writing. Like most Western +hotels, it had been ably supported by a large floating population, +known as "New York Drummers," and many a time had its old walls +re-echoed with their guileless hilarity and moral tales; and, if the +ancient and time-honored spittoon in the bar-room could speak, it could +relate wonderful stories concerning the Sample Gentry; relating, +perhaps, to a Spunkville merchant, who, having retreated precipitately +down his cellar stairs several tunes during the day, to avoid "them +confounded drummers, with their everlasting samples," was, while +plodding his lonely way homeward, seized upon by these commercial +freebooters, conveyed forthwith to the Half-Way House, and there +deluged with such a perfect torrent of brow-beating eloquence as to +reduce him to an imbecile state, in which condition he would willingly +order large bills of goods, a custom still somewhat in vogue, and known +as "commanding trade."</p> + <p>At other times, it was refreshing to see a drummer emerge from +a week's carousal, take a drink of plain soda, and write a long letter +to his employers concerning the extreme dulness of trade.</p> + <p>But since the new hotel had been built the Half-Way House had +waned, and its quiet was only invaded by an occasional straggling +traveller or a runaway couple, and its walls resounded with nothing +more clamorous than the orgies of a Sunday-school picnic.</p> + <p>It is, however, with the Ladies' Parlor only (that wretched +abode of female discomfort in all country hotels) that we have to do.</p> + <p>The furniture of the room consisted of the articles usually +found in a <i>boudoir</i> of this kind, to wit: a straight-backed +sofa, much worn; the inevitable and horrid straw carpeting; that old +Satanic piano, that never was in tune; an antique and rheumatic table, +and three wheezy old chairs. The only present attempts at ornament were +two in number. The first was a large engraving of the Presidents of the +United States, which had formerly done duty in the bar-room, where the +villagers were wont to gaze upon it in an awe-struck manner, being +impressed with a vague idea that it was CHRISTY'S Minstrels. The second +was a living statue, none other than ANN BRUMMET waiting for JEFFRY +MAULBOY.</p> + <p>"Half-past three, and not come yet," said she. "Look out, +JEFFRY MAULBOY, for if you <i>do</i> go back on me"----</p> + <p>She paused, for she saw a man coming towards the house.</p> + <p>"Well, if that ain't ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP," she added, "I'm +regularly sold. What can <i>he</i> want <i>here</i>?"</p> + <p>Yes, it was ARCHIBALD sure enough, biting his finger-nails and +breathing very short, while he cast furtive glances at the windows.</p> + <p>He went slowly up the steps and into the entry just as Mrs. +BACKUP, the landlady of the House, came out of her sitting-room.</p> + <p>Now, Mrs. BACKUP was one of your eminently respectable +females, who are always loaded to the muzzle with Beautiful Moral +Essays, which they try to cram down everybody's throat, but never +practise themselves. She formerly kept a boarding-house in the city, +where, at table regularly after soup, she would regale those present +with long dissertations on the shocking immorality of the present day, +varying the monotony, perhaps, by allusions to the boarders who had +just left. "Mr. SIMPSON was a pleasant-spoken young man as I want to +see, and as good as the bank, but I'm afraid he <i>was</i> agettin' +dissipated;" or, "Mr. FIELDING was quiet and mannerly, and never found +fault with his vittles, but he had <i>one</i> DREAD<i>ful</i> habit;" +and then she would sigh heavily. And when little Miss PINKHAM, who +occupied the second floor back (and who, being a schoolma'am, was +naturally debarred from the other sex), indulged in the smallest +possible flirtation with the good-looking young man opposite, Mrs. +BACKUP'S sharp eye not only saw her, but Mrs. BACKUP'S sharp tongue +took occasion to berate her severely on a Sunday morning (for then the +boarders are all in), at the top of the first landing (for then the +boarders could all hear her). "I <i>am</i> saprised, Miss PINKHAM. +Why, when I see that young man asittin' at his winder, and a blowin' +beans. Yes, a blowin' beans, Miss PINKHAM, through a horrible tin +pop-gun at <i>your'n</i>, and a winkin' vicious, and you a enjoyin' on +it, Miss PINKHAM, I sot down; yes, I sot right down, and I shuddered. +'Sich doin's in <i>my</i> house,' says I, 'I am totilly congealed.'" When all +the time, mind you, the virtuous Mrs. BACKUP was a woman who would bear +any amount of watching, having already caused three husbands to +frantically emigrate to parts unknown.</p> + <p>Seeing that ARCHIBALD hesitated, she said:—</p> + <p>"Well, young man, what's wanted?"</p> + <p>"I—I—want to see ANN BRUMMET," said ARCHIBALD.</p> + <p>"Oh, you <i>do</i>, do you?" rejoined Mrs. BACKUP, regally; +"and <i>who</i>, may I ask, is ANN BRUMMET?"</p> + <p>"A young lady that I was—a—to meet here," replied ARCHIBALD, +timidly.</p> + <p>Mrs. BACKUP immediately organized a virtuous tableau, and +glared at him majestically.</p> + <p>"A young lady you was to <i>meet</i> here. <i>In</i>-deed. +And do you think, young man, that <i>my</i> house is a place where +young chaps can go a-roystorin' and a-gallivinatin' about, and a +meetin' young women?"</p> + <p>"But I don't want to go oysterin'," said ARCHIBALD, "and I +don't know how to galvinate. I only want to tell her something."</p> + <p>"Oh, to <i>tell</i> her something, is it? Well, I'd have <i>no</i> +objections, young man, if you <i>said</i> she was your wife. <i>Then</i> +you'd have a right, but not now, for my cha-<i>rac</i>ter is precious +to me, young man."</p> + <p>"But she ain't my wife," said ARCHIBALD; "I only—kind of know +her, you see."</p> + <p>"Drat the man," said Mrs. BACKUP to herself; "he's a born fool +that can't take a hint like that. TEDDY!" she cried to a seedy-looking, +pimply man, who was sucking a forlorn-looking pipe on the back-door +step, "you're wanted." She whispered a few words in his ear, and went +up-stairs.</p> + <p>TEDDY MCSLUSH was the General Utility man of the Half-Way +House. Born down East, of an Irish father and Scotch mother, he was +eminently calculated to live by his wits. His natural talents were +numerous and sparkling. He could tell more lies without notes than any +man in the State, or make a beautiful prayer, all in the way of +business. When a runaway couple were married at the Half-Way House, he +would not only give the bride away in a voice broken by emotion, but he +would bless the bridegroom with tears in his eyes, and he would do all +this at the lowest market price. And every Sunday he dressed in a black +suit and sung in the choir, and patted the little children on the head, +and was generally respected.</p> + <p>He approached ARCHIBALD, and poked him in the ribs, facetiously.</p> + <p>"Ah!" he ejaculated; "and it's a cryin' shame, so it is, that +a fine lad like yerself should be took with sich a complaint. It's +modeshty what ails ye, man. And wasn't it Mester JOHN SHAKESPEER +himself, him as writ the illegant versis, Lord luv his ashis, as says +to me only jist afore his breath soured on him, 'TEDDY,' says he, wid +much feelin', 'TEDDY, modeshty is a fine thing in a woman,' says he, +'but it's death to a man. Promise me now,' says he, 'for I feel as this +clay is a coolin' fast—promise me, TEDDY, as you'll never hev nothink +to do with it—no, not never, my boy.' I promised him, and Hevins knows +as I've kep' my word. But, Lord alive, I'm a keepin' you all the time +from yer own dear wife, as is a dyin' to see you—and a sweet dear it +is."</p> + <p>He ushered ARCHIBALD into the Ladies' Parlor, closed the door, +and applied his ear to the key-hole, with an air of the most respectful +attention.</p> + <p>According to TEDDY'S way of thinking, ANN was not hankering +for ARCHIBALD'S society.</p> + <p>"What do you want <i>here</i>?" said she, sharply.</p> + <p>"Oh, don't speak cross to me, Miss BRUMMET," said he, looking +timidly around. Then he put his finger on his lip, and shook his head +energetically.</p> + <p>"I know all about it, you see," said he; "JEFF told me. Oh my! +wasn't I struck up, though? But I'll never tell. <i>He</i> couldn't +come, you see. His mother sent for him, and----"</p> + <p>"You lie," she broke in fiercely; "it's a put up job between +you two. But it won't do; do you <i>hear</i>? It <i>won't do</i>."</p> + <p>"Oh, don't look at me <i>that</i> way," said ARCHIBALD, +backing toward the door; "I want to go home."</p> + <p>"I'd like to see you go home," she replied, placing her back +against the door. "You must think I'm a fool, to let you off as easy as +that. You've got to sit up with me this evening, anyhow."</p> + <p>"But what would folks say?" stammered ARCHIBALD. "Oh, think of +my reputation, Miss BRUMMET, and let me go."</p> + <p>"Your reputation!" she sneered. "Humbug! Men don't have any +reputation, except when they steal a woman's. Come," she added, in a +more conciliatory tone, "we'll have some supper, and then we'll have a +game of euchre."</p> + <p>"Euchre! Oh, don't ask me to play euchre," said he; "I'm so +mixed up, Miss BRUMMET, I couldn't tell the King of Ten-spots from the +Ace of Jacks. Oh, won't BELINDA grab hold of my hair when she hears of +this!"</p> + <p>"Yes, she'll pull it till she makes her ARCHIE-<i>bald</i>," +said ANN, laughing.</p> + <p>ARCHIBALD sat down, and looked at her in a supplicating manner.</p> + <p>"I'll do anything you say," said he, "if you please won't get +off any more puns. It's awful. I knew a fellow once who had it chronic. +He doubled every word that he could lay his tongue to. When he was +going to a party, he'd take the dictionary and pick out a lot of words +that could be twisted, and set 'em down and study on 'em, so he could +be ready with a lot of puns, and when he got 'em off folks would laugh, +but all the time they'd wish he'd died young. And that's the way he'd +go on. He finally drove his mother into a consumption, and at her +funeral, instead of taking on as he ought to, he only just looked at +the body, and said, 'Well, that's the worst <i>coffin-fit</i> the old +lady ever had.' And then he turned round and began to get off puns on +the mourners. Wasn't it dreadful?—But what's that?"</p> + <p>Somebody was knocking at the door.</p> + <p>"What's wanted?" said ANN.</p> + <p>"It's your minister as has come, mum," said TEDDY, from the +outside. "What word shall I give him?"</p> + <p>"Tell him I shan't want him," said ANN.</p> + <p>In a few minutes TEDDY came back.</p> + <p>"He says, mum, as he won't go without marryin' somebody, or a +gittin' his pay anyway, for it's a nice buryin' job as he's lost by +comin'."</p> + <p>"But," said ANN, "I can't—" She hesitated, and seemed to form +a sudden resolution. "Tell him," she continued, "tell him—"</p> + <p>(To be continued.)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BIOGRAPHICAL.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There +was an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who thought the world his debtor +and himself, of course, its creditor;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A man he was of wonderful +vitup'rative fertility,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Though seeming an embodiment of +mildness and docility,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This ancient agriculturist, +philosopher, and editor.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The clothes he wore were shocking +to the citizen æsthetical,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Assuredly they would not pass in +circles which were critical,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So venerable were they, and so +distant from propriety,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So utterly unsuited to +respectable society,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which numbers in its membership +some citizens æsthetical.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He kept a model farm for every +sort of wild experiment.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which was to all the neighborhood +a source of constant worriment;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For every one who passed that way +pretended to be eager to</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Discover pumpkin vines that ran +across the fields a league or two,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So queer was the effect of each +preposterous experiment.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He had a dreadful passion, which +was not at all professional,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For going for an office, either +local or congressional.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But though often nominated, yet +the people wouldn't ratify,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Because they thought, quite +properly, it would be wrong to gratify</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The all-consuming passion that +was not at all professional.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Among the many hobbies which he +cantered on incessantly</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was one he called Protection, and +he rode it quite unpleasantly;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For if any one dissented from his +notions injudiciously,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He went for him immediately, +ferociously and viciously,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Did this absurd equestrian who +cantered on incessantly.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With which remarks the author of +this brief, veracious history</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Concludes his observations on the +incarnated mystery</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Known as an agriculturist, +philosopher, and editor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who thought the world his debtor, +and himself, of course, its creditor,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And who will surely figure on the +oddest page in history.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE FITTEST PLACE FOR A +"PRESERVER" OF THE PEACE.</span> A "Jam" on Broadway.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">DR. HELMBOLD TO J.G. BENNETT, +Jr.</span> "Boo-shoo! fly."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/167.jpg"><br> + <p><b>A BRIGHT IDEA</b>.</p> + <p><i>Customer</i>. "WAITER, BRING ME SOME FROZEN CLAMS."</p> + <p><i>Waiter (lately caught)</i>. "YES, SIR; WILL YOU HAVE 'EM +ROASTED OR BILED?"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WORDS AND THEIR USES</b>.</p> + <p>Nothing, except counting your stamps, can be more pleasant and +exciting than tracing out the origin of words by the aid of a +second-hand dictionary. It's the next funniest thing to grubbing after +stumps in a ten-acre lot. Dentists make capital philologists—: they are +so much accustomed to digging for roots. It's rather dull work to +shovel around in the Anglo-Saxon stratum, but, as soon as you strike +the Sanscrit, then you're off, and if you don't find big nuggets, it's +because—well, it's because there are none there. Sometimes you dig down +to about the time when NOAH went on his little sailing excursion, and +strike what seems to be a first-class sockdolager of root, but what is +the use? Unfortunately the philology business is overdone; it's chock +full of first-class broken down pedagogues and unsuccessful +ink-slingers, and, as soon as you offer a curious specimen in the way +of roots, they write a book to prove that the root don't exist, or, if +it does, that it should not.</p> + <p>However, there is an advantage in knowing the roots of words, +and the use to which they were put in former years. Everybody, you +know, is very anxious to read CHAUCER and SPENSER. Now, after you have +studied this subject about forty-two years, you will be able to read +CHAUCER with the aid of an old English dictionary and an Anglo-Saxon +grammar.</p> + <p>Many so-called philologists, who have preceded me, have +ignorantly derived words from improper sources. Thus, the compound +word, shoofly, has been traced by some to the Irish word <i>shoe</i>, +meaning a hoof-covering, and the French word <i>fly</i>, meaning an +insect, when it is apparent to even the casual observer that it comes +from the Guinea word <i>shoo</i>, meaning get out, and the English +word <i>fly</i>, meaning a tripe destroyer. I propose, therefore, to +show you the origin of a few words, in order that you may use them +properly, and in order that you may subscribe freely for my book on +this subject, which will shortly be placed before an admiring public.</p> + <p><i>Theatres</i>. When the players were servants of the king, +they were compelled to be proficient in reading, riting, rithmetic, +rhyming, riddling, reciting, rehearsing, and romping. These +accomplishments were grouped together and called <i>the 8 r's</i>, +which name naturally enough was soon applied to the play-houses. This +example shows how simple the whole subject is, and how easily the +philology business could he run by a child six years of age.</p> + <p><i>Country</i>. The origin of this word is, to say the least, +odd. City people were accustomed to visit the rural districts at about +the time when rye was ripe, and they were generally amused by the +farmer's pereginations around his rye. Farmers always count rye-stacks +in the morning, in order to discover whether any of them have been +lifted during the night. When, upon their return to the City, the +visitors were asked where they had been, they facetiously replied, "To +count rye." This soon became a favorite expression; the "e" was dropped +for euphony, and the rural districts were called country.</p> + <p><i>Spittoon</i>.—This word comes from the Greek word <i>spit</i>, +meaning to slobber, and the Scotch word, <i>tune</i>, meaning the +noise made by the bag-pipes. As the saliva struck the receptacle it +made a noise delightful to the ears of the smoker, and resembling the +note of the national instrument of Scotland. Hence the receptacle was +called the spittoon.</p> + <p><i>Politics</i>.—Quack philologists, who evidently were +insane, have gone back to the classics for the root of this word, when +it is well known that immediately after the termination of the +Revolution, when the Government of this country was about to be +settled, the word came into existence. A woman, called POLLY, kept a +corner grocery in New York, and all the fellows who wanted offices were +accustomed to go to POLLY'S for their beer, because she trusted. Here +they usually divulged their ideas of the manner in which the Government +machine should be run. When asked why they went to that store, they +always answered, "POLLY ticks." Outsiders, when asked what was going on +in POLLY's store, always answered with a wise look, "POLLY ticks." The +words soon spread, and talking about the Government was facetiously +called POLLY ticks. The expression was finally used in earnest, and, by +euphoric changes, reached its present shape.</p> + <p><i>Cheese-it</i>.—This compound word has by some silly person +been traced to the Saxon <i>cyse</i>, meaning condensed cow, and the +Celtic <i>it</i>, meaning it. Now every way-faring man, even though <i>non +compos mentis</i>, knows that when he is invited to come in and cut a +cheese, come in and take a drop of whiskey is meant. This word, then, +is derived from the Sanscrit <i>cheese</i>, meaning drop, and the +English <i>it</i>, meaning whatever you may happen to be saying, and +the whole expression may be properly translated "drop that yarn."</p> + <p>I might go on straight through the Dictionary, but I refrain, +desiring only to show you what a light and entertaining subject +philology is, and what quantities of fun you can get out of it on +winter evenings.</p> + <p>If any one should desire to pursue this subject further, let +him go through CHAUCER, SPENSER, SHAKSPEARE, and MILTON with a +fine-tooth comb and a pair of spectacles, looking for roots, and then +try my book on "Words and their Uses." He had better not attack the +latter work on an empty stomach. An empty head will be more appropriate.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Mendicant Mission</b>.</p> + <p>Two fresh rumors about that unfortunate English Mission are +afloat. One is that it has been tendered to the Hon. HENRY T. BLOW; the +other is that the—well, no, not exactly Hon.—DAN. SICKLES is to be +transferred from Madrid to the Court of St. JAMES. 'Tis much the same +thing. If BLOW is appointed, it's BLOW; and if SICKLES is appointed, +it's Blow, too.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Military Intelligence</b>.</p> + <p>The Fifth Regiment N.G.S.N.Y., composed altogether of Germans, +have adopted the Prussian helmet with a spike on top. This is +appropriate, as most Germans are linguists, and like to "spike the +French."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Where to Commence the Civil Service Reform</b>.</p> + <p>In our Hotels and Restaurants.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img alt="R" align="left" src="images/168.jpg">egarding me +thoughtfully for a moment, MARGARET asks, "What is an 'old comedy?'"</p> + <p>I say to her, "An old comedy is to the comedy of to-day, +precisely what an old beau, padded, painted, simpering with false +teeth, and leering with rhumy eyes, is to a handsome, gallant young +fellow, such as Mr. LESTER WALLACK impersonates in <i>Ours</i> or <i>School</i>."</p> + <p>To which she replies, "What are roomy eyes, dear?" (Being her +fourth cousin by marriage, I am a sort of maiden aunt to her,—whence +this respectful familiarity.) "Eyes in which there is room for the +honest glances that never show themselves?'"</p> + <p>I sternly remark that "nice girls never pun."</p> + <p>"Yes," she replies; "punning, like beer and other vices, is +the peculiar prerogative of men, I suppose. But you need not be afraid. +I read PUNCHINELLO sometimes, and it is a terrible warning to people +who are tempted to pun. I could give you frightful instances of the +appalling depth to which the men who make puns in PUNCHINELLO +occasionally sink."</p> + <p>I hastily close the discussion by inviting her to come to +WALLACK'S and see an old comedy. So we find ourselves on the following +evening in the only theatre in the country where that rather important +adjunct of a theatre—a company—is to be found,</p> + <p>There are quantities of elegant dresses in the house,—the +ladies having an idea that an old comedy is one of those things which +every fashionable person ought to see. There are also numbers of nice +young men, who, being the burning and shining lights of fashionable +society (after their day's work behind the counter is ended), come to +be bored by the old comedy, with a heroism which proves how +immeasurably superior to the influences of tape and calico are their +youthful souls. By the by, it is one of the unavoidable <i>désagréments</i> +of New York society that the wearer of the elegant dress is often +conscious that her partner in the waltz knows precisely how many yards +of material compose her skirt, and exactly how much it cost per yard, +for the excellent reason that he himself measured it with his +professional yard-stick, and cut it with his private scissors. This, +however, is a subject that belongs not to old comedy, but to the +extremely modern comedy of New York society. The two resemble each +other only so far as they are fashionable and dull.</p> + <p>But to our WALLACKIAN old comedy. The curtain rises upon the +veteran GILBERT and the handsome ROCKWELL. They converse in the +following style:</p> + <p>GILBERT.—"Well, you young dog, ha! ha! So you have decided to +make your old uncle happy by marrying my neighbor's daughter. Gad! I +remember my own wedding-day. Well, well; we won't talk about that now, +but hark ye, you young villain, if you don't marry the girl, I cut you +off with a shilling."</p> + <p>ROCKWELL.—"My dear uncle, I can have no greater pleasure than +to fulfil your wishes. But suppose our adorable young neighbor has the +ill-breeding to refuse me."</p> + <p>GILBERT.—"Refuse you! Refuse my nephew? Gad! I'd like to see +THOMAS OLDBOY permit his daughter to refuse my nephew! I'd—d—e, I'd—" +(chokes and stamps with rage.)</p> + <p>Further on we meet with Miss OLDBOY and her mother,—the latter +a stout old lady, addicted to smelling salts and yellow silks.</p> + <p>LYDIA OLDBOY.—"To-day I am expecting the arrival of young +WILDOATS, who comes to pay his addresses to me. I wonder if he is like +that dear, delightful THADDEUS OF WARSAW."</p> + <p>Mrs. OLDBOY.—"Now, Miss, remember that your honored father +insists upon this match. I expect you to be a dutiful daughter, and +accede to his wishes. Here comes the young man himself."</p> + <p>ROCKWELL.—"My. dear Mrs. OLDBOY, I am charmed to see you. You +are looking positively younger than your ravishingly beautiful +daughter. Fair LYDIA, I come to lay my heart at your feet. 'Tis the +wish of my uncle and your honored father that we should unite our +respective houses. Let me touch that exquisite hand. Unseal those ruby +lips and tell me that I am the happiest of men."</p> + <p>Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter. They chuckle, and poke one +another in the ribs, remarking "Gad" and "Zounds" at intervals. They +bless the young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira. The +curtain falls as OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the +wish that they may have a dozen children, and a cellar never without +plenty of this splendid old Madeira,—"that your father, bottled, Miss +LYDIA, the year our gracious sovereign came to the throne."</p> + <p>This is a fair sample of the old comedy. The oaths are of +course omitted, out of deference to the tender susceptibilities of the +editor of PUNCHINELLO. So are the indecencies, which are the spice of +the old comedy, but which cannot be written in a respectable journal, +and are almost too gross and brutal for the <i>Sun</i>. Take from an +old comedy its oaths and its grossness, and nothing is left but a +residuum of boisterous inanity. The condensed old comedy which has just +been laid before the readers of PUNCHINELLO, is as inane and vapid as +anything that WALLACK'S theatre has shown us in the past month. Do you +find it dull? For my part, I don't hesitate to say that the "Essence of +Old Virginny," as furnished by the venerable poet, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, +is vastly more amusing than the Essence of Old Comedy.</p> + <p>All of which I say, in my most impressive manner, to MARGARET +as we struggle through the crowded lobby. But she irreverently disputes +my assertions, and asks, "How is it that everybody admires these +comedies if they are so wretched as you say they are? Is your judgment +better than that of anybody else?"</p> + <p>There being nothing to say, if I mean to maintain my ground, +except that my judgment is the only infallible critical judgment in +this city or elsewhere, I promptly and unblushingly say so. But +MARGARET tells me I am "a goose"—(I think I have mentioned that she is +my aunt, and hence allows herself these pleasing freedoms of +speech)—and says that I shall take her to see the old comedies every +night, until I am willing to say that I like them.</p> + <p>Who is there that, in view of this threat, will not drop the +tear of sensibility, so neatly alluded to by Mr. STERNE, in sympathy +with the prospective sufferings of</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>UNIVERSITY-MANIA.</b></p> + <p>MY DEAR P.:—I have made some curious observations of this +disease, which lead to startling conclusions.</p> + <p>It is a malady peculiar to the United States, being an +eruption resulting from indigestion of unripe knowledge, together with +excess of vanity in individual blood.</p> + <p>Universities spring up among us like mushrooms, in a night. +The seed of knowledge is sown broadcast over our land. In fact, in this +particular we may be said to be very seedy, indeed.</p> + <p>For my part I have no objection to Universities—when they <i>are</i> +Universities. But, at the rate at which we are now progressing, we +shall soon have "every man his own University." It will become the +fashion to keep a University in the back-yard. And then, you know, the +institution must have its own particular organ, you know. Every man, +and every member of his family, shall print his or her <i>Free Press</i>, +and independence of opinion shall reign.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Glorious +country! Glorious free speech!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With WALT WHITMAN, we may well +exclaim:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O the BROWN University!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O the splendid University of +SMITH!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O CORNELL, his University!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>&c. ad infinitum.</i></span> + </div> + <p>As for me, dear NELLO, I am in the front rank of civilization. +I have accepted the Chair of Cane-bottom in a Grub-Street garret, and +rejoice in a barrel-organ, which plays with great freedom of speech.</p> + <p>Yours pedagoguically,</p> + <p>JEREMY DOGWOOD.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A. Sop for Ireland.</b></p> + <p>It is stated that Queen VICTORIA has ordered from a Dublin +manufacturer an extensive assortment of Balbriggan hosiery for the +wedding outfit of the Princess LOUISE. There is a stroke of policy in +this. In firemen's phrase it may be called laying on the "hose" to +quench disloyalty.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.</span> +The Marine Hospital.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TRIALS OF A WITNESS.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO:—As all people seem to come to you with their +troubles and grievances, I hope you will not refuse to listen to my +woes. And whether they are woes or not, I leave you to judge for +yourself.</p> + <p>At the beginning of last week I made my first appearance in +any court-room, in the character of a witness, in the case of VALENTINE + <i>vs.</i> ORSON; in which the point in dispute was the ownership +of a tract of land in Wyoming Territory. I knew something in regard to +the sale of these lands, and was fully prepared to testify to the +extent of my knowledge in the premises; but judge of my utter surprise +and horror on being obliged to go through such an ordeal as the +following extracts from my examination will indicate.</p> + <p>The counsel for the plaintiff commenced by asking me if I was +a married man, and when I had answered that. I was, he said:—</p> + <p>"Is your wife a believer in the principles of the Woman's +Rights party?"</p> + <p>I could not, for the life of me, see what this had to do with +the land in Wyoming, but I answered, that I was happy to say she was +not.</p> + <p>The examination then proceeded as follows:—</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> You are happy, then, in your matrimonial relations? <i>A.</i> +Yes—(and remembering the oath) reasonably so.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Is your wife pretty? <i>A.</i> (Witness remembering +at once his oath and his wife's presence in court) She is pretty pretty.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What are her defects? <i>A.</i> (Witness +remembering only his wife's presence.) I have never been able to +discover them.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you wear flannel? <i>A.</i> Yes, in winter.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Can you testify, upon your oath, that you do not +wear flannel in summer? <i>A.</i> I can.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Now be careful in your answer. What do you wear in +the spring and fall? <i>A.</i> I—I wear my common clothes.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> With flannel, or without flannel? <i>A.</i> +Sometimes with, and sometimes without.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> No evasion; you must tell the Court exactly when you +wear flannel, and when you do not.</p> + <p>A series of questions on this subject brought out the fact +that I wore flannel when the weather was cold, or cool; and did not +wear it when it was mild, or warm.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you a lightning-rod on your house? <i>A.</i> I +have.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How much did it cost you to have it put up? <i>A.</i> +It has not cost me anything yet—I owe for it.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Is that all you owe for? <i>A.</i> No, I have other +debts.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you any money with you now? <i>A.</i> I have.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How much? <i>A.</i> (Counting contents of +porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two cents.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where did you get that? <i>A.</i> (With +embarrassment.) I borrowed it.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Were you present when defendant first offered his +land for sale to the plaintiff? <i>A.</i> (Brightening up.) I was.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? <i>A.</i> +Gas.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How many burners? <i>A.</i> Ten, I think.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, +that there are only ten? <i>A.</i> (Witness counting on his fingers.) +I am.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? <i>A.</i> +Studs.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Gold, or pearl? <i>A.</i> Mother-of-pearl, as a +general thing, but sometimes I wear one gold one at the top.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Were all your studs of mother-of-pearl, at the time +when you first heard this transaction mentioned between the parties? <i>A.</i> +They were.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you ever wear your gold stud in the middle of +your bosom? <i>A.</i> No, sir, I always wear it at the top.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you ever wear it at the bottom? Can you swear it +was not at the bottom on the day of the transaction referred to? <i>A.</i> +I distinctly remember that I did not wear it at all that day.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Did you wear it that night? <i>A.</i> No, sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Can you swear that after you went to bed you did not +wear it? <i>A.</i> I can.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you ever been vaccinated? <i>A.</i> I have.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> On which arm? <i>A.</i> The left.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> At the of the first mention of this land to the +plaintiff, who were present? <i>A.</i> (Witness speaking with hopeful +vivacity, as if he hoped they were now coming to the merits of the +case.) The plaintiff, the defendant, and myself.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you use the Old Dominion coffee-pot in your +house? <i>A.</i> (Dejectedly.) No, sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What kind of a coffee pot do you use? <i>A.</i> A +common tin one.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> You are willing to swear it is tin? <i>A.</i> I am.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Has your wife any sisters? <i>A.</i> She has two; +ANNA and JANE.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are they married <i>A.</i> They are.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are either of them prettier than your wife? <i>A.</i> +(Quickly.) No, sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you any children? <i>A.</i> Two.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have they had the measles? <i>A.</i> They have.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Has any other person in your household had the +measles? <i>A.</i> I have had them, and my wife has had them.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How do you know your wife has had them? <i>A.</i> +She told me so.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Then you did not see her have them? <i>A.</i> No, +sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> We want no hearsay evidence here; how can you swear +that she has had them when you did not see her have them? <i>A.</i> +She told me so, and I believed her.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Did she take an oath that she had had them? <i>A.</i> +No sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Then, sir, you are trifling with the Court. Do you +understand the obligations of an oath? <i>A.</i> I do.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Beware, then, that you are not committed for +perjury. Is your gas-metre ever frozen? <i>A.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What do you use when the gas will not burn? <i>A.</i> +Candles.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How many to the pound? <i>A.</i> Nine.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> How do you know there are nine to the pound? <i>A.</i> +They are sold as nines.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Then you never weighed them yourself? <i>A.</i> No, +sir.</p> + <p><i>Counsel</i>, to the <i>Court</i>. May it please your +Honor, this is the second time that this witness has positively +testified, under solemn oath, to important points of which he has no +certain knowledge. I ask the Court for protection for myself and my +client.</p> + <p>Here a long discussion took place between the lawyers and the +Judge, and at the end of it the case was postponed for four months. I +suppose it is expected that I will then re-ascend the witness-stand; +but I have determined that when I enter a court-room again I shall +appear as a criminal. These fellows have much the easiest times, and +they run so little risk, nowadays, that their position is far +preferable to that of the unfortunate witnesses.</p> + <p>J. BADGER.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Singular Fatuity.</b></p> + <p>The reason why so few persons emigrate to this country from +Poland, is the general belief prevailing there that we have throughout +the Union a heavy Pole tax.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE A.B.C. OF NEW YORK +SOCIALISM.</span> ANDREWS, BRISBANE, AND CLAFLIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/169.jpg"><br> + <p><b>THRILLING MELODRAMA.</b></p> + <p>Scene: Lord DE VERE'S Manor: The Blue Chamber.</p> + <p><i>Lord De Vere.</i> "BUT ONE COURSE, LADY CLAUDE, IS LEFT TO +RETRIEVE OUR FALLEN FORTUNES. WITH THESE DEAD CATS WE'LL FLY TO +MICHIGAN AND START A MINERAL SPRING. THE MICHIGANDERS ARE WILD ABOUT +THEIR SPRINGS, AND WITH THIS MATERIAL OURS CANNOT BUT BE A SUCCESS."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/170.jpg"><br> + <p><b>ONE OF OUR SOCIAL HUMBUGS.</b></p> + <p><i>Old Gent (figuring up probable receipts of his silver +wedding, close at hand)</i>. "I'VE HIRED A SPLENDID TEA-SERVICE FOR +BROWN TO PRESENT TO US; IT WILL MAKE QUITE A SENSATION, AND I'VE GOT IT +CHEAP FOR THE EVENING."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE POLICE.</b></p> + <p>I. MARY SMITH.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O +gallant p'licemen, list to me,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'll sing a mournful ditty</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">About a poor young serving-gal,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What lived in this here city.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">She had a name, and SMITH it was</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">(The rest of it was MARY);</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Her constant duty, at daybreak,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Was sweeping out the arey.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One evening she went to a jig</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">(Her missus was attending</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A private hop), when there befel</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What truly was heart-rending.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">She wore her missus' gayest +clothes,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Her muslin dress all fluty,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Her waterfall and tag-rags all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Which well became her beauty.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But missus found poor MARY out,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And in a p'liceman took her,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And walked her up before the +Judge,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">On charge of being a hooker.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The missus swore the girl a thief</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Her property as lifted,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Which proved beyond all doubt +would be</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When things came to be sifted.<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The girl said she'd been to a jig;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then out spoke Judge MCCARTY,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"You must not wear the fixings of</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A party to a party."<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They sent her up for sixteen +months,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Oh! drop a tear to MARY,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whose missus ne'er shall see her +more</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A-sweeping out the arey.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Sic Transit.</b></p> + <p>Life being in any event a transitory affair, and especially so +in New York, where, every one lives some miles from his business, our +means of transit are of interest to every one. However well the owners +of those at present in use may insist that they are, yet the public +feels they should be better, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO, having the interest +of his fellow-citizens at heart, most earnestly hopes that the +undertakers of the last new scheme will not so mistake the meaning of +this term as to suppose that their business with it is simply to bury +it.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Discounting a Bill.</b></p> + <p>The Germans are disposed to glorify their king, and look upon +him as the Great WILLIAM; but when they commence to calculate the cost +of his glory, in men slaughtered, homes desolated, women beggared, +industries destroyed, taxes increased, and liberty chained, it is more +than probable that they will become disgusted with their Little BILL.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Query</b></p> + <p>Can Russia's designs upon Turkey, at this season of the year, +be attributed to her admiration and imitation of New England +Thanksgiving customs?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Maniac's Mutterings.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO'S special Lunatic gives it as his opinion, that a +continuance of a horse-flesh diet in Paris must go far towards +disturbing the Parisian Equine-imity.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>An Old Saw Sharpened.</b></p> + <p>Some one has applied the old Latin motto, <i>"Horas non +numero nisi serenas,"</i> to Mr. GREELEY, by making it read, "HORACE is +of no account except when serene," which, by the by, he never is.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Query for Naturalists.</b></p> + <p>How can a person who stands four feet in his boots be called +biped?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">DENTS-LY FILLED.</span> +Government offices.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/171.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">KING WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA WAITING FOR +HIS ALLY.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HIRAM GREEN ON MARK TWAIN'S BABY.</p> + <p>The "Lait Gustice" congratulates the newly organized Papa.</p> + <p>SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT.</p> + <p>Friend TWAIN—Allow an old statesman, which has served his +country for 4 yeers as Gustise of the Peece, rite a congratulotery +letter to you on your success as a boy raisest. Altho your name is MARK +TWAIN, I notiss that on this occashon you dident Mark but One.</p> + <p>I am a little older in years and <i>Parentelism</i> than you +are, and am able to call myself the seenyer pardner in a firm who are +the sole proprieters of eleven offspring and 2 grand-children.</p> + <p>Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best +holt, and as long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for +givin you a little wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without +makin up a face.</p> + <p>If your child, in its infantile days, is given to squallin +nites, obtain a beverige, called soothin sirup, and just before you +pull off your butes nites, give the little cuss about 3 tablespoons +full, and he will sleep so sound that you can use him for a piller. +Should he kick & squall, and refuse to take it, lay him down onto +the floor, set on him, then takin hold of his nose, pour the stuff down +his throte, and you've got him, ekal to Jo JEFFERSON'S Rip Van Winkle +20 yeers snooze.</p> + <p>To amoose him—If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin +the cookin, washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink +bottle, and set him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of +geografy, when you come home nites you will find a good helthy map of +the black sea, which Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.</p> + <p>Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let +him play learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make +the little <i>shaver smart</i>.</p> + <p>If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him +cultivate cheek. This is done by tyin his grandmother in her rockin +cheer, and lettin him pelt the old lady with snow balls in the winter +time. In the summer time get him a bow and arrer, and let him see how +neer he come to the venerable lady's nose without breakin her +spectorcals. If this don't make him cheeky enuff to hold offis, let him +pour a lot of benzine onto his little cuzzin, then push her onto a red +hot cole stove. If he can do this and think it a joak, he will do for a +cabinet offiser.</p> + <p>If he tries to jump over parental authority, fill him with +shot, same as <i>your</i> man did his jumpin frog, only pour it into +him with a mustick.</p> + <p>If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let +your son rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash +as to rite a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, +when they catch your little <i>innocent abroad</i>.</p> + <p>JOHN BULL don't tickle easy, remember that. I actually believe +you couldent stir him with a hul bag full of laffin gas.</p> + <p>As your boy has entered the Lecture field, I shouldent be +surprised if he got up quite a <i>breeze</i> on the roast-rum. In +fact, when he opens his mouth before an audience, look out for <i>squalls</i>.</p> + <p>When your offspring is big enuff to enjoy chastisin, remember +the "good little boy," and examine your son's garments to see if the +lad has been roostin onto any nitro-gleserine cans, lest the parental +hand, when brought in contact with the youth's <i>habeas corpus</i>, mite +necessitate the sweepin up of father and son's scattered remnants.</p> + <p>Let your son reed the works on good morril men's lives.</p> + <p>By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out +in pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works +of fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin +as HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on +farmin. Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the +numerous jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the +loonatic dodge over 'em.</p> + <p>I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I +think it is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your +child can occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he +undertakes to kick over the traces.</p> + <p>Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set <i>your</i> +foot down when you first get married your wimmen will raise <i>their</i> +foot up, and afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be +histed out into the street.</p> + <p>With boys you must begin talkin <i>turkey</i>, when they are +young <i>goblins</i>, ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will +"strike for their sires," and <i>gobble</i> up the old man's scalp.</p> + <p>Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English +mission, when it comes his turn.</p> + <p>Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. +JIMMY are on the <i>decline</i>, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I +shouldent be surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there +yet, which minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like +lager beer?</p> + <p>Give 'er up?</p> + <p>Because it ruins any <i>minister's</i> reputation, who goes +for it.</p> + <p>Hopin that when you shovel off your mortil coil, that your +mantle may not pass out of the family, and as time flies on with +greased wings, you may make the family name <i>sound</i> by bein able +to Mark Twain in your family record, I drop the goose feather.</p> + <p>Ewers, parentally,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A SURE WAY OF DOING IT.</b></p> + <p>Seekers after notoriety must often be at their wits' end for +some new sensation with which to advertise themselves. Mr. TWAIN, for +instance, having gone through Fenianism and France, seems to have +collapsed for the present; and here now comes Mr. WEMYSS JOBSON, who +subsided into oblivion years ago, but has just emerged again into the +light of <i>The Sun</i>. The efforts of both these gentlemen to keep +themselves prominently before the public, however, are very inadequate +and feeble. They should suffer more and be stronger. Let TRAIN do a +bold stroke of business by declaring himself the perpetrator of the +latest mysterious murder, and it might be the making of the exhumed +JOBSON to revive a fossilized memory, and confess himself to be the +criminal who delivered the fatal blow to the late Mr. WILLIAM PATTERSON.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>True to his Colors.</b></p> + <p>A Bostonian visiting New York, not long since, and reading in +the papers that there was to be a celebration of Mass in an up-town +church, decided to remain over Sunday for it, thinking, Bostonially, +that Mass meant Massachusetts and nothing else.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SUITABLE INSCRIPTION FOR A BOATMAN'S RACE-PRIZE.</b> "The +noblest Row-man of them all."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/173.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A NEW LEAF IN THE FAMILY HISTORY.</p> + <p><i>Jack.</i> "NOW, I'LL BE PAPA, GOING TO FIX THE FURNACE."</p> + <p><i>Sallie</i>. "OH, YES!—AND I'LL BE THE NEW NURSE, AND YOU +MUST KISS ME BEHIND THE CELLAR DOOR!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/174.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BEHIND THE TIMES.</p> + <p>EXPLANATORY OF MR. JOHN BULL'S VIEWS.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</p> + <p>CANTO XIII.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When +I was a bachelor I lived by myself;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">All the bread and cheese I had, I +laid upon the shelf.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But the rats and the mice they +made such a strife,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I was forced to go to London to +buy myself a wife.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The roads were so bad, and the +lanes were so narrow,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I had to bring my wife home in a +wheelbarrow.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The wheelbarrow broke. My wife +had a fall;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Deuce take the wheelbarrow, my +wife, and all.</span> </div> + <p>The above lines were written when the author was quite +advanced in years; when he had solved, in his humble way, the great +problem of life, and discovered the futility of mundane things +generally, and t undesirableness of an unsuccessful or unfortunate +existence; when he could look back through a long vista of years, and +see the follies of his youth and the mistakes of his manhood. It should +have been placed at the end of his book, with only the word Finis after +it; but somehow, either by mistake of the author or of the publisher, +it was placed among the records of the simple events of the village, +and thus loses half its force. However, let the history, placed as it +is, be a warning to rash young men who contemplate matrimony; and let +them give heed to it, lest they also have cause to repent of their +doings and exclaim with the poet:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"The +deuce take it."</span> </div> + <p>Observe how pathetic and touching his reminiscence of his lost +youth and the priceless boon of liberty. He commences in a quiet +descriptive way, leaving one at a loss to know whether it is to be a +joyful lyric a dirge he intends singing.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"When +I was a bachelor I lived by myself;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">All the bread and cheese I had I +laid upon the shelf."</span> </div> + <p>Here we have him alone, at peace with himself and the world; +happy in the contemplation of his beloved muse; jotting down, now and +then, the brilliant ideas that flash through his teeming brain; and +munching in solitude his homely meal of bread and cheese. In telling us +he laid his bread and cheese upon the shelf, he at once shows he had +left his parental abode, and the ministering and watchful care of his +maternal parent.</p> + <p>There must, of course, have been a cause for such a step. Some +reason why the gentle being should have been wrought up to that pitch, +when he daringly throws off all restraint, and steps into the world to +act and think for himself. It may have been the want of sympathy that +drove him to the act. They were plain folks, and didn't appreciate his +peculiar turn of mind, and so only laughed at him, and ridiculed his +pretensions. That there was a quarrel there is no manner of doubt, and +it was probably caused by the mortifying act of his mother in fainting +when he read her the poetry he had written at her request. That, in +itself, was enough to break all ties between them. She was horrified +and overwhelmed with dismay that a child of hers could be guilty of +such atrocious rhymes; and he, in turn, was disgusted that a mother of +his should be so unappreciative and earthly. And so, by mutual consent, +they separated.</p> + <p>That accounts for his bachelor habit of laying his bread and +cheese on the shelf that he might have it handy, and not forget where +he had placed it. But as</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"The +rats and mice made such a strife,"</span> </div> + <p>he found that would never do. Something else must be thought +of; and being an inventive genius, he tried putting it in his trunk, +but it scented his Sunday jacket and trousers, and the girls all turned +up their noses at the odd perfume. So, driven to extremity, he in an +evil hour decided, as many another has since done, that the remedy for +his ills was matrimony, and that it was not well for man to live alone.</p> + <p>A Prophet is without honor in his own country, and so ofttimes +is a Poet. To his bashful supplication of "Wilt thou?" the young +maidens if his village unhesitatingly refused to wilt, and thus it was +that circumstances forced him</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"To +go to London to buy himself a wife."</span> </div> + <p>How fortunate that he should give us, inadvertently as it +were, the information so necessary to the unlucky young men of this +later day, the best place to go shopping for wives! No man after +reading the above need say "he doesn't marry because he cannot, as no +one will have him." He need not stop for that hereafter, but just go to +London, pick out one to suit, pay the price, and bag the article. It +can all be done in a day, and save time wonderfully.</p> + <p>He bought his wife—a cheap one undoubtedly—and gave his +promise to pay; then started homeward, feeling his importance as a +married man, and chuckling over the idea of the astonishment and dismay +of the rats and mice when he should set his wife after them, and +thereby deprive them of their daily rations. But while musing thus, he +discovers his wile shows signs of fatigue, as</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"The +roads were bad, and the lanes were narrow,"</span> </div> + <p>and not wishing to have her exhausted before commencing +business, he gallantly determined to give her a ride, well knowing she +would need all her strength for the battle he intended she should win.</p> + <p>So borrowing a wheelbarrow of a trusting neighbor, he seated +her therein, and amid great rejoicing at his extraordinary "luck" he +set forward. But now comes the sad part of the story:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"The +wheelbarrow broke—my wife had a fall."</span> </div> + <p>And what a fall was there, my countrymen! Words are +inadequate. The scene was indescribable, and we leave a blank that each +may picture it to suit themselves.</p> + <p>After the excitement occasioned by the catastrophe was +somewhat abated, he picked up the pieces and tried to put the +wheelbarrow together again. But it was too far gone; it was +un-put-togetherable, and so he, more in sorrow than anger, stood gazing +at the wreck, while his wife, being a woman, could not resist the +impulse to cry exultingly, "I told you so; I knew it." That on top of +all the rest of his trouble was a little too much; and after fumbling +over the pieces a while, "I told you so" ringing in his ears, he +completely lost his temper, and vented his passion in the words:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"The +deuce take the wheelbarrow."----</span> </div> + <p>and then in a low voice, cautiously turning his head aside, he +added:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"My +wife and all."</span> </div> + <p>Together they trudged homeward. Fearful misgivings as to the +wisdom of his step came swooping down upon him, and he almost wished he +had not tried to mend matters, but had patiently borne with the rats, +when suddenly—the vision of a <i>cat</i> swept athwart his mind, and +he groaned aloud in bitterness of spirit.</p> + <p>Not even the ever after clean hearth-stone, with the dead +bodies of his enemies, the rats, piled thereon, could make him forget +that one moment of agonizing consciousness, when he realized for the +first time that he had burdened himself with a wife when a cat would +have answered as well.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HURLY-BURLY.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No wonder that the folks turn pale</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And preachers talk of doom,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Since by each telegram and mail</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Come words of awful gloom:<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Explosions of N. glycerine;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Expulsion of the Pope;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Earthquakes along the Eastern line</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And</span><br> + <img alt="" src="images/175a.jpg"> + <p style="margin-left: 1.5em; font-weight: bold;">THE PACIFIC SLOPE.</p><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Surely the world is upside down,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Its framework out of joint;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At coming change all things of town</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And country seem to point:<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The very sea some day may try</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To climb the mountain side,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And hill-folks yet be staggered by</span><br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/175b.jpg"> + <p style="margin-left: 1.5em; font-weight: bold;">THE MOANING OF THE TIED.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>By Diligence from Paris to Versailles—Fastest Time on +Record—Happy Travelling Companions—Mud, Misery, and Malignity—Life on +the Road.</p> + <br> + <p>NEAR ST. CLOUD, NINTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>It would have done you good to see us getting over that muddy, +jagged, rutty old turnpike that leads off from the south of the Bois de +Boulogne toward St. Cloud and Versailles. Since writing my last, I had +been to Paris <i>par ballon monté,</i> and was now returning in +the <i>diligence</i> that took five American ladies and a couple of +war correspondents, all friends of WASHBURNE, away from the temptation +of eating horse-flesh in the beleaguered city, to such edibles as the +rapacity of the German appetite had left undevoured in the neighborhood +of the old "stamping grounds" of Louis XVI. We were not a jolly party. +It rained in torrents, and our little driver perched upon the box in +front smoked the most infernal tobacco I ever smelt. Moreover, the +horses were not lively steeds. They were rather safe than otherwise, +and not given to running away. Although the driver addressed himself to +their flanks, between each puff of smoke, with a pointed stick, they +didn't rear and plunge so as to frighten the ladies, and that was a +point gained, albeit we had leisure to count the pickets in the fences +as we dragged toward our destination. One of our lady passengers came +from Connecticut, and she talked with a nutmeg dialect that made her +garrulity oftentimes quite spicy. We two sat back to back, and when the +vehicle lurched heavily her chignon took me "amidships" (if I may be +permitted the expression) with a concussion that felt like the impact +of a muffled ball from a six-pound field howitzer. "Goodness gracious, +dew git eout of the way and give me some room, man!" she would exclaim +as our wagon plunged into a three-foot "gore" and the coachee plied his +pointed ramrod with increased vigor to the attenuated haunches of the +insensible beasts.</p> + <p>"My dear madam, you will perceive that I cannot 'git' any +further without climbing upon the back of my companion in front." Lord +knows I would have given a hundred francs to be out of her reach; but +we had been all ticketed and labelled through under the same "pass," +and there was no such thing as dissolving partnership <i>now.</i></p> + <p>"Ugh!" she muttered, putting her handkerchief to her nose, +"and that horrid smoke too!" But the imperturbable director of our +flight took no heed, and drew away at his clay idol with unabated +satisfaction. 'Twas thus we jogged on for five weary hours, "OLD +CONNECTICUT" charging head foremost at my spinal column with a +frequency and momentum that made me believe, finally, she did it on +purpose. Three miles out from St. Cloud we found the road completely +blocked up with artillery wagons, and saw large masses of troops moving +through the fields on either side. It still rained incessantly, and the +forlornness of the situation was no wise relieved by the distant +booming of guns, and the sucking sound of the wheels in the mud.</p> + <p>"Oh, my!" sail a thin, squeaky voice on the back seat. "I +believe they are coming this way. Do let us get out, SARAH. I would +rather die on the road than be murdered in such a sepulchre as this."</p> + <p>She referred to a battalion of the Landwehr that had just +denied into the road, not a hundred yards in front of us.</p> + <p>"Stop your sniffling back there!" peevishly exclaimed "OLD +CONNECTICUT." "It would serve you right if they bayonetted you;" and +she added emphasis to her expostulation by planting her chignon between +my shoulder-blades with terrific force.</p> + <p>I felt at once that either my back or my gallantry would have +to give way; so I took a bond of fate, and sacrificed the latter on the +spot.</p> + <p>"That'll do—that'll do," I remonstrated. "No more of that; if +you want to knock the brains out of that haystack on the back of your +head, why, knock away; but spare my bones, if you please."</p> + <p>I looked around, and she looked around with such suddenness as +to bring her nose in contact with the brim of my hat, and force the +tears from her eyes. She started to her feet, and I verily believe +would not have postponed hostilities a moment, had not the door of the <i>diligence</i> +just then been opened, and a Prussian officer demanded to see our +papers. I paraded the "documents," and he said they were "good;" but he +also said that we must make up our minds to halt here until the +following morning, as there was a movement of the troops, and no +vehicles would be permitted to pass this point.</p> + <p><i>Gaudeamus!</i> I could have sworn, but my wrath sailed away +when I saw what a volcano was working in the bosom of "OLD +CONNECTICUT." She didn't strike the officer, or utter a single +complaint in his hearing, but sat down as if she had been a spile +driven through the top of the coach, and let the vinegar run out of her +eyes in pure impotency of speechless rage.</p> + <p>"SARAH'S" companion on the back seat broke forth afresh, and +again wanted to know as to the probability of our being charged upon +and put to the sword. I couldn't hear "SARAH'S" answers to these +harrowing questions, but it seemed to me as if she were trying to +throttle her timid friend into a perfect sense of security. Whatever +she did had the desired effect, and I heard no more from the "back +seat."</p> + <p>It was nightfall ere the several members of our little colony +composed themselves to await in such tranquillity as they could +command, the ordeal of sleeping, sitting bolt upright in a French <i>diligence,</i> +upon a dark, tempestuous night, and surrounded on all sides by the +dreadful presence of "red-handed war." The last thing I remember ere +the drowsy god "MURPHY" sent his fairies to weave their cobwebs about +my eyelids, was "OLD CONNECTICUT." She didn't look like the +battering-ram that she was. She had taken that chignon for a pillow, +and fastened it to the back of the seat. Her head was thrown back; her +chin had fallen, and at the extreme tip of her thin red nose a solitary +tear glistened like a dew-drop on a beet. Once, about midnight, she +awoke me by her snoring, but I gave the old gal's chignon a hitch, and +it was all right again.</p> + <p>Yours, somniferously,</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/176.jpg"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THOSE COUNTRY COUSINS AGAIN.</p> + <p><i>Celia (just arrived from the country).</i> "JUST THINK, +JANE, COUSIN JOHN IS TO BE MY ESCORT TO THE FRENCH BAZAAR AND THE +NILSSON CONCERTS, AND BOOTH'S AND WALLACE'S, AND THE OPERA +BOUFFÉ, AND LOTS OF OTHER FIRST-CLASS SHOWS!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>FACTS ABOUT THE ENGLISH MISSION.</b></p> + <p>It is not true that I ever accepted the English Mission; and +if any man says I did, I now deliberately brand him as a Liar and +Villain.</p> + <p>I am not going to deny that the place was offered me, but I do +unhesitatingly, say that I never absolutely consented to take it.</p> + <p>Gen. GRANT may have construed my note on the subject as an +unqualified acceptance, but that was owing entirely to his devouring +desire to get the thing off his hands, and not to any ambiguity in my +language.</p> + <p>"No, Mr. PRESIDENT," I said in the note, "far be it from me to +stand between my friend, Mr. GREELEY, and the gratification of his +noble desire to wear military things at receptions abroad. Moreover +your Excellency, I would not for the world deprive our cousins and +other relations in England of an opportunity to cultivate the grand old +art of swearing under the instruction of so eminent a professor as +HORACE."</p> + <p>This is the sort of language I used, and I don't see how any +man except Gen. GRANT could get hold of it the wrong way.</p> + <p>Of course I had some reasons besides those stated in my note +for declining the Mission, but I did not want to hurt the President's +feelings by going over the whole ground.</p> + <p>It was not unknown to me that the situation had been offered +to about five thousand persons before it came round to my turn, or that +the English Mission had fallen into a general decline. I knew all about +that just as well as Gen. GRANT, but it would not have done any good to +parade my knowledge on the subject.</p> + <p>There was the Hon. THOS. JENKINS who refused to take it, +because his wife had a prejudice against Bulls ever since she was +scared by one that chased her five miles for no other reason than that +she was what might be called a red woman—well-read in the exciting +house-wife literature of the day. JENKINS positively declined.</p> + <p>Then it was offered to Col. CANNONAYDE, who declined it +because his mother-in-law declared that she would go along too, if he +went, and he thought it would be better not to let her have a change of +air, as she was in a fair way to wind up pretty soon by remaining near +those swamps. CANNONAYDE wanted the place kept open till after the +funeral, but this was not granted.</p> + <p>The next offer was made to Gen. BRAYLEIGH; but <i>he</i> +refused it on the ground that he had made arrangements for going into +the coal trade, and he could not be sure of holding the place more than +a few weeks. Anyway, he thought it would not pay to give up the +coalition he had entered into with another party. In fact, old +BRAYLEIGH treated the whole matter very coldly.</p> + <p>It was next tendered to the Hon. THEOPHILUS SKINNER, but +peremptorily declined because SKINNER'S district had become Democratic +since he was elected, and he knew that if he resigned an infamous +cannibal copperhead would be sent to Congress in his stead. SKINNER +consulted all the leaders of his party, and they unanimously agreed +that it would be better to let every court in Europe be without an +American representative than risk the loss of that district.</p> + <p>Everybody knows why the Rev. Dr. BANGWELL, of Chicago, did not +accept it. The Doctor expected his divorce case to come on in a few +days, and could not neglect that; and besides, he had made all the +arrangements for his other marriage, and sent out the invitations. If +the President had just made some inquiries before appointing Dr. +BANGWELL, he could have found out that the Doctor's engagements would +not permit him to leave Chicago on any account.</p> + <p>The offer that was made to Col. KAMPSTUHL was declined solely +because the Colonel had an old score to settle with Gen. GRANT for +something in the way of a court-martial that happened near Tricksburg. +He swore that he would get square with the author of that business +sometime, and when the mission was offered to him (by accident, for Gen +GRANT had forgotten all about the court-martial), he got up a +sepulchral voice, and said, "Ha, ha! R-e-e-e-vendge at last!" and then +wrote a bitter letter to Washington on the subject.</p> + <p>After that it was peddled all round the country in a +promiscuous way, and offered in succession to a blacksmith who used to +shoe horses for Gen. GRANT, a conductor who refused to take fare from a +well-known Presidential excursion party, a dealer in hides who had +conferred some high obligations when a certain official was in the +tanning business, a grocery-keeper, a family shoemaker, a manufacturer +of matches, and such a multitude of people, in fact, that it finally +got to be looked upon as the greatest missionary undertaking of modern +times.</p> + <p>The only really prominent man that the place was not tendered +to is GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN; but I wouldn't say that it won't get around +to him somewhere in Asia before the circle is completed.</p> + <p>All these things were very well known to me before the office +was placed at my disposal, but I did not care to wound the fine +sensibilities of the President by saying anything about them in my note.</p> + <p>My reason for declining in favor of Mr. GREELEY has been +stated—I put the whole matter frankly to Gen. GRANT—but I can't say +whether the suggestion I offered has been acted upon or not. The only +thing I am certain about on this point is, that if the offer should be +made to HORACE, it won't get around to GEORGE FRANCIS afterwards.</p> + <p>There has been so much talk about this business, that I have +considered it a sacred duty to state the facts and let some floods of +light shine upon the whole thing. The duty is now conscientiously, +discharged.</p> + <p>DARBY DODD.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Truth In a Nut-shell</b></p> + <p>CHANCELLOR CROSBY, in his inaugural address, has, we may say, +bored right to the root of the whole vexed question of education, and +extracted it, as will be seen from this extract: "It need hardly be +urged," says the new Chancellor, and we hope, all the discontented will +take the full force of the remark, "It need hardly be urged that the +didaskalos should be didaktitos, and yet perhaps emphasis on so plain a +truth may be sometimes necessary." Let us thank the Chancellor for +forever removing this necessity.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A.T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p>Have made very large additions to their stock of</p> + <p>CLOAK VELVETS, VELVETEENS,<br> +PLUSHES,<br> +ASTRAKHANS,<br> +MILLINERY and<br> +TRIMMING VELVETS, Etc.</p> + <p>THE MOST CELEBRATED</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>CLOAK VELVETS.</big></p> + <p>CONFINED STYLES,</p> + <p>AT</p> + <p>UNPRECEDENTED BARGAINS,</p> + <p>CONSEQUENT ON PURCHASES MADE IN</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">LYONS AND OTHER CENTRES</p> + <p>OF MANUFACTURE, AT PANIC PRICES.</p> + <p>For the convenience of Customers, the above are exhibited in +the Section of the main floor next to the corner of Tenth street,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th +Streets.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ...................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, + ................................................ 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +.................................................. 10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A.T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p>ARE EXHIBITING</p> + <p>An Important Purchase of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Rich Plain Silks,</big></p> + <p>27 INCHES WIDE, KNOWN AS</p> + <p>UNWATERED MOIRE ANTIQUE,</p> + <p>REPRESENTING IN VALUE</p> + <p>$100,000,</p> + <p>AT $4 AND $4.50 PER YARD,</p> + <p>THE SAME HAVING BEEN SOLD AT $6 AND $6.50 PER YARD.</p> + <p>SPECIAL ATTENTION IS INVITED TO THESE GOODS FOR HOLIDAY +PRESENTS.</p> + <p>A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF BLACK AND WHITE<br> + <b>STRIPED SILKS,</b><br> +AT 75c. PER YARD.</p> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain Japanese Silks,<br> + </span></big>HIGH COLORS,<br> +AT 75c. PER YARD.</p> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Three Cases Fancy Silks,</span></big><br> +IN VARIOUS STYLES-FRESH GOODS, $1 PER YARD.</p> + <p><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Five Cases Dress Silks,</span></big><br> +NICE QUALITY, $2 PER YARD.</p> + <p>A LARGE QUANTITY OF <span style="font-weight: bold;">BONNET +BLACK SILKS,<br> + </span> AT $3.75 AND $3 PER YARD.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">REAL IRISH POPLINS, NEW,</span><br> +$2 PER YARD.</p> + <p>A FULL LINE OF<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">IRISH TARTAN POPLINS,</span><br> +IN TWENTY-FIVE DIFFERENT CLANS.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN BLACK SILKS,</span> +GUARANTEED TO WEAR WELL,<br>2$ PER YARD.</p> + + <p>FORMING IN ALL RESPECTS THE MOST ATTRACTIVE STOCK THEY HAVE +EVER OFFERED.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Sts.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/178.jpg"> + <p><b>THE PROPOSAL.</b></p> + <p><i>Ambitious Foreigner.</i> "AH! MEECE BULLION, BECAUSE I AM +POOR YOU SCORN MY HAND; BUT REMEMBER HOW ZE POET HE TELL YOU ZE MAN'S +ZE GOLD."</p> + <p><i>Miss B.</i> "GO DOWN TO PAR, THEN—<i>I</i> HAVE NOTHING +MORE TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT."</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b><br> + <small>VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,<br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> + <small>Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span><br> +83 Nassau Street, New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="30%" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>PUNCHINELLO.</big></big></p> + <p><small>With a large and varied experience in the management +and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with +the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.</p> + <p><small>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK</small></p> + <p><small>Presents to the public for approval, the new</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>Illustrated Humorous and +Satirical</small></p> + <p><small>WEEKLY PAPER,</small></p> + <p><big><big>PUNCHINELLO,</big></big></p> + <p><small>The first number of which was issued under date of +April 2.</small></p> + <p>ORIGINAL ARTICLES</p> + <p><small>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs or +suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the +day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally.</small></p> + <p><small>Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless +postage stamps are enclosed.</small></p> + <p>TERMS:</p> + <p><small>One copy, per year, in advance $4 00 Single copies 10 A +specimen copy will be <i>mailed free</i> upon the receipt of ten cents. One +copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine or paper, +price $2.50, for 5 50 One copy, with any magazine or paper, price $4, +for 7 00</small></p> + <p><small>All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed +to</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span></p> + <p>No. 83 Nassau Street,</p> + <p>P.O. Box 2783. NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>PROFESSOR JAMES DE +MILLE,</big></big></big></p> + <p>Author of</p> + <p><big>"THE DODGE CLUB ABROAD"</big><br> + <small>AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS,</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Will Commence a New Serial</p> + <p>IN THE NUMBER OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></big></big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>January 7th, 1871,</big></p> + <p><big>Written expressly for this paper.</big></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><b>A CHRISTMAS STORY,</b></big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Written expressly for this +Paper,</big></p> + <p>By FRANK R. STOCKTON,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Author of "Ting-a-ling," etc., etc.,</p> + <p>WILL BE COMMENCED IN No. 38, FOR DECEMBER 17TH,<br> +AND CONCLUDED IN THREE NUMBERS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10544 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |