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diff --git a/10450-0.txt b/10450-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..23c86a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/10450-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1894 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10450 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + +AUGUST 22, 1917. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: A POULTRY-FANCIER, HEARING THAT DEFENCES AT THE FRONT ARE +SOMETIMES DISGUISED AS HEN-HOUSES, DETERMINED TO REVERSE THE PROCESS. +BEING A BIT OF AN ARTIST HE DISGUISED HIS HEN-HOUSE BY GIVING IT A +WARLIKE APPEARANCE. THE ENEMY WAS STRICKEN WITH PANIC.] + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Eighty-eight policemen were bitten by dogs in 1913, but only forty-four +in 1915, says _The Daily Mail_, and quotes a policeman as saying that +"dogs are not half so vicious as they used to be." The true explanation +is that policemen no longer taste as good as in the old rabbit-pie days. + +*** + +Recent heavy rain and the absence of sunshine have, it is stated, caused +corn in Essex to sprout in the ear. This idea of portable allotments is +appealing very strongly to busy City men. + +*** + +Feeling about the Stockholm Conference is changing a little, and several +people suggest that Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD might be sent as a reprisal. + +*** + +Sixty-seven children were recently lost on one day at New Brighton. The +fact that they were all restored to their parents before nightfall +speaks well for the honesty of the general public. + +*** + +The German authorities have further restricted the foods to be supplied +to dogs, and German scientists are now trying to grow dachshunds with a +shorter span. + +*** + +"We have a Coal Controller, but where is the coal?" plaintively asks a +contemporary. There is no satisfying the jaundiced Press. + +*** + +A well-dressed female baby a month old has been found under the seat of +a first-class compartment in a train on the Chertsey line. Several +mothers have written to congratulate her upon her courageous and +unconventional protest against the fifty per cent. increase in railway +fares. + +*** + +A Glasgow woman has been fined a guinea for trying to enlist in the +Irish Guards. Only the Scottish Courts carry pride of race to these +absurd lengths. + +*** + + +It is announced that the recent increase in the price of bacon was +sanctioned by the FOOD CONTROLLER. The news has given great satisfaction +to law-abiding consumers, who bitterly resented the unauthorised +increases (upon which this is a further increase) that were made under +the old _régime_. + +*** + +A dress made from banana skins is now being exhibited in London. It is, +we believe, a _négligé_ costume, the sort of thing one can slip on at +any time. + +*** + +"If you had let the boy eat it, it would have punished him a great deal +more than I can," said the North London magistrate to a man who was +prosecuting a boy for stealing an unripe pear. It is a splendid tribute +to the humanity of our stipendiary magistrates that the heroic offer of +the boy to accept the greater punishment was promptly refused. + +*** + +A workman at Kinlochleven, Argyllshire, found a live crab in a pocket of +sand at a depth of more than ten feet. On being taken to the +police-station and shown the "All Clear" notice the cautious crustacean +consented to go straight home. + +*** + +At a flower-day sale at Grimsby one thousand pounds was paid by a local +shipowner for a blue periwinkle. In recognition of his generosity no +charge was made for the pin. + +*** + +A Vienna telegram states that the Emperor KARL has handed the Grand +Cross of St. Stephen to the GERMAN CHANCELLOR. The latter quite rightly +protests that Herr BETHMANN-HOLLWEG is the real culprit. + +*** + +From Scotland comes the news that an inmate of a workhouse has received +an income-tax form to fill in. This is considered to be but a foretaste +of the time when all income-tax papers will have to be addressed to the +workhouses. + + * * * * * + +In a Gloucester meadow, Lieutenant JAGGARD has picked a mushroom +weighing ten ounces and measuring twenty-seven inches in circumference. +Eyewitnesses describe the gallant officer's enveloping movement as a +really brilliant piece of single-handed work. + +*** + +The Prussian Military Press Bureau, among its other fantasies, has +discovered with horror that Calais has been leased to England for +ninety-nine years. Our own information is that the situation is really +worse than that, the lease being granted alternatively for ninety-nine +years "or the duration of the War." + +*** + + +An official statement points out that the work of the National Service +Department is continuing without interruption pending the appointment of +a new Director-General. It appears that the members of the staff have +expressed a desire to die in harness. + + * * * * * + +IDYLLS OF THE KING OF PRUSSIA. + +A FRAGMENT. + + So spake Sir GERARD (U.S.A.) and ceased. + Then answered WILLIAM, talking through his hat: + "When first the heathen rose against our realm, + That haunt of peace where all day long occurred + The cooing of innumerable doves, + I hailed my knighthood where I sat in hall + At high Potsdam the Palace, and they came; + And all the rafters rang with rousing _Hochs_. + + "So to my feet they drew and kissed my boots + And laid their maily fists in mine and sware + To reverence their Kaiser as their God + And _vice versâ_; to uphold the Faith + Approved by me as Champion of the Church; + To ride abroad redressing Belgium's wrongs; + To honour treaties like a virgin's troth; + To serve as model in the nations' eyes + Of strength with sweetness wed; to hack their way + Without superfluous violence; to spare + The best cathedrals lest my heart should bleed, + Nor butcher babes and women, or at least + No more than needful--in a word, behave + Like Prussian officers, the flower of men. + + "I bade them take ensample from their Lord + Of perfect manners, wearing on their helms + The bouquet of a blameless Junkerhood, + And be a law of culture to themselves, + Though other laws, not made in Germany, + Should perish, being scrapped. For so I deemed + That this our Order of the Table Round + Should mould its Christian pattern on the spheres, + Itself unchanged amid a world new-made, + And men should say, in that fair after-time, + 'The old Order sticketh, yielding place to none.'" + + So be. Whereat that other held his peace, + Seeming, for courtesy, to yield assent. + But, as within the lists at Camelot + Some temporary knight mislays his seat + And falls, and, falling, lets his morion loose, + And lights upon his head, and all the spot + Swells like a pumpkin, and he hides the bulge + Beneath his gauntlet lest it cause remark + And curious comment--so behind his hand + Sir GERARD's cheek, that had his tongue inside, + Swelled like a pumpkin.... + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE STOCKING OF PRIVATE PARKS. + +As I came out on to the convalescents' verandah my brother James looked +up from his paper. + +"Did I ever tell you about a certain Private Parks?" he asked. "He was +with me in Flanders in the early days. He came out with a draft and +lasted about two months. Rather a curious type. Very superstitious. If a +shell narrowly missed him he must have a small piece to put in his +pocket. If while standing on a duck-board he happened to be immune while +his pals were being knocked out he would carry it about with him all day +if possible. On one occasion he was very nearly shot for +insubordination, because he would go out into No-man's-land after a +flower which he thought would help him. + +"Not that his superstition was purely selfish. Once, when he had had two +particularly close shaves during the day, he insisted upon sleeping +outside the barn where we were billeted. 'I'm absolutely certain to have +a third close shave,' he said, 'and if I'm in the billet someone will +get it.' + +"The Corporal let him lie down in the farmyard, but a little later he +crept up the road about fifty yards to make things more certain." + +"And I suppose the barn was hit and he escaped?" I put in, feeling that +I had heard this story before. + +"You don't know Private Parks," said James. "About two o'clock in the +morning a shell fell on the road not ten yards from him. Bits of it must +have made a pattern all round him, but not one hit him, and when he'd +picked himself out of the ditch he went back to the billet, knowing all +was then safe. + +"Then one day when we were in the front line there came up with the mail +a parcel for Private Parks. I was near when he opened it. When he saw +the contents he gave a sigh and a curious resigned expression came over +his face. + +"'What's she sent you?' I asked. + +"'It's from my old aunt, Sir,' he said. 'It's a stocking.' 'Only one?' +'Yes,' he said with great solemnity. 'The other one's been pinched?' I +asked. 'No, Sir. The parcel's not been opened. It simply means that I +shall lose a leg to-day,' he added. He wasn't panicked at all. But, as +to reassuring him, I might as well have argued with a tank. + +"We'd had a very quiet time, but that evening the Hun put over a pretty +stiff bombardment. We stood to, but we all thought it was only a little +extra evening hate, except Private Parks. He kept saying, 'They're +coming across,' till we told him not to get the wind up. But he hadn't +got the wind up. Only he knew they were coming. + +"And they did come. Just after it was dark they made a biggish raid and +got into our front trench a little to our right. We started bombing +inwards, but the slope of the ground was awkward, and they seemed to be +having the best of the fun. + +"Then Parks jumped up on to the parapet with a pail of bombs and ran +along. He fairly got among them, and by the time he was hit in the right +leg they were mostly casualties or prisoners. I saw him on the stretcher +going back. He was in some pain, but he smiled, and said, 'One stocking +will be enough now, Sir.'" + +"Very extraordinary," I began, but James stopped me. + +"I haven't finished," he said. "When about three months later I went +down to Southmouth Convalescent Camp, almost the first man I saw was +Private Parks. He was still on crutches, but _he had two legs_. I +greeted him, and then I couldn't resist saying, 'What about the +stocking?' + +"'I'll tell you, Sir,' he said. 'For a week after I was wounded it was a +toss up whether they took the leg off or not. Then a parcel arrived for +me. It was the other stocking. My aunt had discovered that she had left +it out. That evening the surgeon decided that they need not amputate. I +knew they wouldn't, of course, as soon as I received the parcel.'" + +James had really finished this time, and after a moment's reflection I +said, "I wonder if that's true." + +"Do you flatter me?" he asked. + +"I don't know about that. Not with intent," I said, "though it would +really be more to your credit if you'd made it up." + +"As a matter of fact," said James, "I did make it up. It was suggested +to me by the heading to a letter in this paper--'The Stocking of Private +Parks,' though that appears to be upon quite a different subject. +Something agricultural, I gather." + + * * * * * + + "By a comparison of the wet and dry bulb registrations the dew + point and the humility of the atmosphere is determined." + + _Banbury Guardian_. + +In the first week of August, at any rate, the atmosphere had no reason +to swank. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INTRUDERS. + +AMERICAN EAGLE (_to German Peace Doves_). "GO AWAY; I'M BUSY."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chatty Waiter (to visitor growing stouter every day_). + +"I'M SURE, SIR YOUR STAY HERE IS DOING YOU GOOD. WHY, YOU'RE TWICE THE +GENTLEMAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU CAME."] + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM NEW YORK. + +Dear ----,--We got here safely, with the usual submarine scares _en +route_, but apparently no real danger. Vessels going westward from +England are not much the U-boats' concern, nor are the U's, I guess, +particularly keen on wasting torpedoes on passenger ships. What they +want to sink is the goods. + +Anyway, we got here safely. It is all very wonderful and novel, and the +interest in the War is unmistakable; but what I want to tell you about +is an experience that I have had in the house of one of the leading +picture collectors here--and the art treasures of America are gradually +but surely becoming terrific. If some measure is not passed to prevent +export, England will soon have nothing left, except in the public +galleries. Of course, for a while, America can't be so rich as if she +had not come into the War, but she will be richer than we can ever be +for a good many years, while the steel people who make the implements of +destruction at Bethlehem will be richest of all. What my man makes I +cannot say, but he is a king of sorts, even if not actually a Bethlehem +boss, and the Medici are not in it! I have introductions to all the most +famous collectors, but, hearing of his splendours, I went to him first. + +Well, I sent on my credentials, and was invited to call and inspect the +Plutocrat's walls. You never saw anything like them! And he refers to +his collection only as a "modest nucleus." He has agents all over the +world to discover when the possessors of certain unique works are +nearing the rocks. Then he offers to buy. As his wealth is unlimited, +and sooner or later all the nobility and gentry of England, France, +Italy and Russia will be in Queer Street, his collection cannot but grow +and become more and more amazing. He even had the cheek to send the +Trustees of the National Gallery a blank cheque asking them to fill it +up as they wished whenever they were ready to part with TITIAN'S +"Bacchus and Ariadne." Though he calls himself a patriot, directly the +War is done he will make overtures to Germany. There is a Vermeer in +Berlin on which he has set his heart, and another in Dresden. + +I could fill reams in telling you what he has. But I confine myself to +one picture only, which he keeps in a room by itself. I am not so +foolish as to pretend to _know_ anything, but to my eyes this picture +was nothing whatever but the Louvre's "Monna Lisa." + +That being of course impossible, "What a wonderful copy!" I said. + +"You may indeed say so," replied my host. + +I looked at it more closely, even applying a pocket magnifying-glass. + +"There was not a contemporary duplicate?" I inquired. "Could LEONARDO +have painted two?" + +The Chowder King, or whatever he is called, smiled inscrutably. "No +doubt he _could_," he said. "But perhaps," he continued, "you have not +seen the Louvre picture since it was put back after the theft?" + +"Not to examine it closely," I replied. + +He laughed softly and led the way to the door. + +Now what I want to know is, is it possible that--? + +This terrible thought has been haunting me day and night. + +I have asked many Americans to tell me about this collector and his +methods, but I can get no exact information. But it seems to be agreed +that he would stick at nothing to get a coveted work beneath his roof. +If I have many more such shocks as he gave me I shall give up paint +altogether and specialise in photography or the three-colour process. + +Anyway, it is God's own country, and I will tell you my further +adventures as I have them. Tomorrow I am to attend a reception at the +White House to hear ELLA WHEELER WILCOX recite an Ode at the President. + +Yours, X. Y. Z. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mr. Green_. "IT DOESN'T SEEM TO ME TO LOOK QUITE RIGHT." + +_Artist (engaged solely on account of shortage of labour)._ "WELL, SIR, +THE PANEL WAS A BIT ON THE LONG SIDE, BUT I THOUGHT I'D SPUN THE +LETTERING OUT VERY NICE."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +_Time_--NIGHT. + +SCENE.--_A shell-pitted plain and a cavalry regiment under canvas +thereon. It is not yet "Lights out," and on the right hand the +semi-transparent tents and bivouacs glow like giant Chinese lanterns +inhabited by shadow figures. From an Officers' mess tent comes the +tinkle of a gramophone, rendering classics from "Keep Smiling." In a +bivouac an opposition mouth-organ saws at "The Rosary." On the left hand +is a dark mass of horses, picketed in parallel lines. They lounge, hips +drooping, heads low, in a pleasant after-dinner doze. The Guard lolls +against a post, lantern at his feet, droning a fitful accompaniment to +the distant mouth-organ. "The hours I spent wiv thee, dear 'eart, +are-Stan' still, Ginger--like a string of pearls ter me-ee ... Grrr, +Nellie, stop kickin'!" The range of desolate hills in the background is +flickering with gun-flashes and grumbling with drum-fire--the Bosch +evensong. + +A bay horse (shifting his weight from one leg to the other)._ +Somebody's catching it in the neck to-night. + +_A chestnut_. Yep. Now if this was 1914, with that racket loose, we'd be +standing to. + +_A gunpack horse_. Why? + +_Chestnut_. Wind up, sonny. Why, in 1914 our saddles grew into our backs +like the ivy and the oak. In 1914-- + +_A black horse_. Oh, dry up about 1914, old soldier; tell us about the +Battle of Hastings and how you came to let WILLIAM'S own Mounted +Blunderbusses run all over you. + +_A bay horse_. Yes, and how you gave the field ten stone and a beating +in the retreat to Corunna. What are your personal recollections of +NAPOLEON, Rufus? + +_Chestnut_. You blinkin' conscripts, you! + +_Black._ Shiss! no bad language, Rufus--ladies present. + +_Chestnut_. Ladies, huh. Behave nice and ladylike when they catch sight +of the nosebags, don't they? + +_A skewbald mare_. Well, we gotta stand up for our rights. + +_Chestnut_. S'truth you do, tooth and hoof. What were you in civil life, +Baby? A Suffragette? + +_Skewbald_. No, I wasn't, so there. + +_Bay_. No, she was a footlights favourite; wore her mane in plaits and a +star-spangled bearing-rein and surcingle to improve her fig-u-are; did +pretty parlour tricks to the strains of the banjo and psaltery. +_N'est-ce pas, chérie?_ + +_Skewbald_. Well, what if I did? There's scores of circus-gals is +puffect lydies. I don't require none of your familiarity any'ow, Mister. + +_Bay_. Beg pardon. Excuse my bluff soldierly ways; but nevertheless take +your nose out of my hay-net, please. + +_A Canadian dun_. Gee! quit weavin' about like that, Tubby. Can't you +let a guy get some sleep. I'll hand you a cold rebuff in the ribs in a +minute. Wazzer matter with you, anyhow? + +_Tubby_. Had a bad dream. + +_Black_. Don't wonder, the way you over-eat yourself. + +_Bay_. Ever know a Quartermaster's horse that didn't? He's the only one +that gets the chance. + +_Skewbald_. And the Officers' chargers. + +_Voice from over the way_. Well, we need it, don't we? We do all the +bally head-work. + +_Bay_. Hearken even unto the Honourable Montmorency. Hello, Monty there! +Never mind about the bally head-work, but next time you're out +troop-leading try to steer a course somewhat approaching the straight. +You had the line opening and shutting like a concertina this morning. + +_An iron-grey_. Begob, and that's the holy truth! I thought my ribs was +goin' ivery minnut, an' me man was cursin' undher his breath the way +you'd hear him a mile away. Ye've no more idea of a straight line, Monty +avic, than a crab wid dhrink taken. + +_Monty_. Sorry, but the flies were giving me gyp. + +_Canadian dun_. Flies? Say, but you greenhorns make me smile. Why, out +West we got flies that-- + +_Iron-grey_. Och sure we've heard all about thim. 'Tis as big as +bull-dogs they are; ivery time they bite you you lose a limb. Many a +time the traveller has observed thim flyin' away wid a foal in their +jaws, the rapparees! F' all that I do be remarkin' that whin one of the +effete European variety is afther ticklin' you in the short hairs you +step very free an' flippant, Johnny acushla. + +_A brown horse_. Say, Monty, old top, any news? You've got a pal at +G.H.Q., haven't you? + +_Monty_. Oh, yes, my young brother. He's got a job on HAIG'S personal +Staff now, wears a red brow-band and all that--ahem! Of course he tells +me a thing or two when we meet, but in the strictest confidence, you +understand. + +_Brown_. Quite; but did he say anything about the end of the War? + +_Monty_. Well, not precisely, that is not exactly, excepting that he +says that it's pretty certain now that it--er--well, that it will end. + +_Brown_. That's good news. Thanks, Monty. + +_Monty_. Not a bit, old thing. Don't mention it. + +_Iron-grey_. 'Tis a great comfort to us to know that the War will ind, +if not in our day, annyway some time. + +_Canadian dun_. You bet. Gee, I wish it was all over an' I was home in +the foothills with the brown wool and pink prairie roses underfoot and +the Chinook layin' my mane over. + +_Iron-grey_. Faith, but the County Cork would suit me completely; a +roomy loose-box wid straw litter an' a leak-proof roof. + +_Tubby_. Yes, with full meals coming regularly. + +_A bay mare_. I've got a two-year-old in Devon I'd like to see again. + +_Monty_. I've no quarrel with Leicestershire myself. + +_Gunpack horse_. Garn! Wot abaht good old London? + +_Chestnut_. Steady, Alf, what are you grousing about? You never had a +full meal in your life until Lord DERBY pulled you out of that coster +barrow and pushed you into the Army. + +_Tubby_. A full meal in the Army--help! + +_Brown_. Listen to our living skeleton. Do you chaps remember that +afternoon he had to himself in an oat-field up Plug Street way? When the +grooms found him he was lying on his back, legs in the air, blown up +like a poisoned pup. "Blimy," says one lad to t'other, "'ere's one of +our observation bladders the 'Un 'as brought down." + +_Chestnut_. I heard the Officer boy telling the Troop Sergeant that he'd +buy a hay-stack some day and try to burst you, Tubby. The Sergeant bet +him a month's pay it couldn't be done. + +_Tubby_. Just because I've got a healthy appetite-- + +_Brown_. Healthy appetites aren't being worn this season, Sir--bad form. +How are the politicians' park hacks to be kept sleek if the troop-horse +don't tighten his girth a bit? Be patriotic, old dear; eat less oats. + +_Chestnut_. That Mess gramophone must be red-hot by now. It's been +running continuous since First Post. I suppose somebody's mamma has sent +him a bottle of ginger-pop, and they're seeing life while the bubbles +last. + +_Monty_. Yes, and I suppose my young gentleman will be parading +to-morrow morning with a _camouflage_ tunic over his pyjamas, looking to +me to pull him through squadron drill. + +_Iron-grey_. God save us, thin! + +_A Mexican roan. Buenas noches!_ + +_Gunpack horse_. Hish! Orderly Officer. 'E's in the Fourth Troop lines +nah; you can 'ear 'im cursin' as he trips over the heel shackles. + +_Monty_. Hush, you fellows. Orderly Officer. _Bong swar_. + + * * * * * + +_Once more heads and hips droop. They pose in attitudes of sleep like a +dormitory of small boys on the approach of a prefect. The line Guard +comes to life, seizes his lantern and commences to march up and down as +if salvation depended on his getting in so many laps to the hour. From +the guard-tent a trumpet wails, "Lights out."_ + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Venus_. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE ARMY?" + +_Mars_. "OH, ABOUT THREE CHEQUE-BOOKS."] + + * * * * * + +HYMN FOR HIGH PLACES. + + In darkened days of strife and fear, + When far from home and hold, + I do essay my soul to cheer + As did wise men of old; + When folk do go in doleful guise + And are for life afraid, + I to the hills will lift mine eyes + From whence doth come mine aid. + + I shall my soul a temple make + Where hills stand up on high; + Thither my sadness shall I take + And comfort there descry; + For every good and noble mount + This message doth extend-- + That evil men must render count + And evil days must end. + + For, sooth, it is a kingly sight + To see God's mountain tall + That vanquisheth each lesser height + As great hearts vanquish small; + Stand up, stand up, ye holy hills, + As saints and seraphs do, + That ye may bear these present ills + And lead men safely through. + + Let high and low repair and go + To where great hills endure; + Let strong and weak be there to seek + Their comfort and their cure; + And for all hills in fair array + Now thanks and blessings give, + And, bearing healthful hearts away, + Home go and stoutly live. + + * * * * * + + "Classical Master for endurance of war wanted."--_Scotsman_. + +Humane letters are very sustaining. + + + * * * * * + + "MARCHING ON! + + "The council of the Chippewa tribe of North American Indians, by + a two to one majority, have accorded the suffrage to their + squaws."--_The Vote_. + +As SHAKSPEARE was on the point of saying, "Suffrage is the badge of all +our tribe." + + * * * * * + +THE SPOIL-SPORT. + + ["The Town Clerk of Colwyn Bay informs us that the fish caught + there the other day by two youths was a dogfish and not a shark, + as reported, and that its size was much + overestimated."--_Manchester Guardian_.] + + O gallant youths of Colwyn Bay, + With what unmitigated rapture + Did I peruse but yesterday + The story of your famous capture! + + Alone ye did it, or at least + 'Twas next to being single-handed; + No other helped to catch the beast, + No strength but yours the monster landed. + + But now comes in the cold Town Clerk, + Who has meticulously stated + It was a dogfish--not a shark-- + In size much overestimated. + + So ye intrepid striplings, who + Made all your school-fellows feel humble, + Are mulcted of your honours due + By an officious Cambrian Bumble. + + But, though your generous hearts be sore, + Take comfort: all the true patricians + Of intellect have been at war + With frigid, rigid statisticians. + + I too have suffered from the rule + Of sceptics, icily pedantic, + Who blighted, ere I went to school, + My dreams when they were most romantic. + + For once, when swinging on a gate, + With hands that doubtless daubed it jammily, + I saw a lion, sure as fate, + And fled indoors to tell the family. + + But when I told them, all agog, + My aunt, a lean and acid spinster, + Snapped out "the doctor's yellow dog"; + And nothing I could say convinced her. + + "'Twas ever thus from childhood's hour--" + Since HOMER, HANNIBAL or STRONGBOW, + Men of outstanding mental power + Are charged with drawing of the long bow. + + Great travellers--not your GRANTS or SPEKES-- + Who lived with dwarfs, or tamed gorillas, + Or scaled imaginary peaks + Upon the backs of pink chinchillas, + + Or in some languorous lagoon + Bestrode the awe-inspiring turtle, + Or in the Mountains of the Moon + Saw rocs athwart the zenith hurtle-- + + All, all have had their fame aspersed + By rude Town Clerks or senior wranglers; + But those who have been treated worst + Are the heroic tribe of anglers. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW GOLF. + +"Let's go and play the new golf," said James. + +Now as I understand it there are four kinds of golf. First, the ordinary +golf, as played by all people who are not quite right in their heads; +second, the ideal golf, to be played by me (but not till I get to +heaven) on a bowling-green with a croquet-mallet, the holes being +sixty-six feet apart and both cutting-in and going-through strictly +prohibited; third, the absurd golf, as played by James in pre-war days +on his private nine-hole course; and fourth, it seemed, the new golf, +such as James would be liable to create during a recovery from +shell-shock. + +James is one of those people who, possessing what _Country Life_ would +call one of the lesser country-houses of England, has an indeterminate +bit of ground beyond the garden, called, according to choice of costume, +"the rock-garden," "the home-farm," "the grouse moor," or "no rubbish +may be shot here." James calls his own particular nettle-bed (or slag +heap) "the golf-course." + +When anyone went to stay with James, he was adjured to +"bring-your-golf-clubs-old-man-as-I-can-give +-you-a-bit-of-a-game-on-my-own-course-only-a-nine-hole-one-you +understand." And when James went--far more willingly--to stay opposite +the Germans, until an interesting visit was short-circuited by +shell-shock, he showed himself so wonderfully at home in dug-outs and +shell-holes and mine-craters, so completely undisturbed by the weariful +lack of any green on the course over which his battalion was playing, +that he rose from Second-Lieutenant to Lieutenant with almost unheard-of +celerity in the space of two years and nine months. And now the absurd +figure-of-eight nine-hole course, the third hole of which was also the +seventh, and the first the ninth, had been complicated into a war +kitchen-garden, and James, bored with ordinary difficulties and +discomforts, had evolved the new golf. + +"Come on," said he, burning with the zeal of a martyr-burner, "I'll show +you the ground." + +"Can't I see it by standing up in the hammock?" I protested. + +We approached the dark demesne, which was now pretty decently clothed +with potatoes, artichokes, rhubarb, raspberry-canes, marrows and even +cucumber-frames. In the midst was a large open cask which filled itself +by a pipe from a former six-inch water-hazard. Here James began to +propound the mysteries. + +"The game," he said, "is a mixture of the old golf, tiddleywinks, ludo +and the race game." + +"Not spillikins?" I protested. "A game I rather fancy myself at." + +"For your information, please," continued James in his kindliest +military manner, "I may remark that a mashie is the club mostly +used--except when it is necessary to keep low between, say, two clumps +of potatoes." + +"So as not to rouse the wireworms," I nodded. "Yes--go on." + +"The conditions of the game are governed by the necessity of paying due +respect to the vegetable hazards. There is only one hole on the course." + +"If you remember," I said, "I told you long ago that that was all there +was room for, but you would persist in making it nine." + +"The hole," said James, "is the water-butt. You have to get into that. +By the way, your balls are floaters, I hope?" + +"Only six of 'em," I said. "However, I dare say you won't mind if I grub +up a few potatoes to carry on with afterwards. So we hole out in the +water-butt? That's the tiddleywinks part of it, I suppose? Go on." + +"There are various penalties," he explained. "If you get among the +potatoes, you add ten to your strokes and start again at the tee. If you +are bunkered in the raspberries, you lift out--" + +"Step back three paces out of sight and pick one over your left +shoulder?" I inquired hopefully. "I shall often find myself in the +raspberry hazard." + +"And if," concluded James sternly, "you are so clumsy as not to avoid +the cucumber-frames--" + +"Say no more," I begged. "I understand. I shall ask for the time-table, +shake hands, thank you for a most delightful visit, and express my +regrets that any little _contretemps_ should have arisen to hasten my +departure." + +"--you add fifty to your strokes. Five for the marrows and the +rhubarb--in each case returning to the tee." + +"And the artichokes," I asked, surveying a thick forest of them guarding +the right flank of the water-butt--"what is their market value?" + +"No penalty," said James grimly, "except staying there till you get +out." + +"One last piece of information. What is bogey for this hole?" + +"About two hundred, I think," said James; "but no doubt you'll lower +it." + +"I don't know," I replied. "That's about my usual at the old game." And +therewith I made my tee, drove and went into the garden to cut a cabbage +leaf. + * * * * * +After hoeing the vegetables with a mashie for a hot two hours, I fought +my way out of the rhubarb on all fours, with a golf-ball between my +teeth, and then strode doggedly back to the tee and drove into the +virgin artichoke forest. While I toyed there with the sub-soil, the +unwearied James went to earth among the marrows. Hastily I heeled my +ball into the ground (to be retrieved by James months later and +announced as a curious scientific result of growing artichokes on a golf +course), uttered a cry of triumph, and strolled out into the open. + +"A hundred and seventy-nine. My game, I think," I announced. + +James extricated himself and walked with me to the butt. + +"Hullo!" I said, "it's sunk. Thought it was a floater. It ought to be +for a half-crown ball." + +"You mustn't lose it," said James suspiciously. "Well let off the water +and get it out." + +"No, no," I protested. "It's not one that I really valued. Oh, very +well," I added indifferently, feeling in my pocket for a non-floater. + +James stooped to open the tap, and I popped the new ball in +unobtrusively. + +It floated. And the next instant James stood up and saw it. + +After that of course there was nothing left to do but to ask for the +time-table, shake hands, thank James for a most delightful visit, and +express my regrets that any little _contretemps...._ + +W. B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Major_. "WHY HAVE YOU PUT THAT CLOTH OVER HIS HEAD?" + +_Private Mike O'Flanagan (harassed by restive horse)_. "SO AS HE WON'T +KNOW HE'S BEING GROOMED, SORR."] + + * * * * * + + "----'s new Pattern Books of + WALLPAPERS + will be sent on loan free of charge. + + "N.B.-- ----'s use adhesive paste, which has been expressly + prepared to conform with the Food Controller's regulations." + + _Advt. in Evening Paper_. + +So it is no use waylaying the paper-hanger on the chance of getting a +free meal. + + * * * * * + +ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENT. + +_"Anti-Reprisal."_--If you are out walking, and enemy aeroplanes are +dropping bombs on your side of the street, it is advisable to cross over +to the other side. Never shake your umbrella at the enemy 'planes. A +taxi-driver might think you were signalling to him. + + * * * * * + +Some of our street urchins are quite bucking up in their education. The +other day a small boy called out to a Frenchman, "Pourquoi n'êtes-vous +pas en bleu? _Slackeur!_" + + * * * * * + + "Unique Old-World Cottage (big), about 30 min. door to West End, + yet rural seclusion; frequent express trains, last 12 p.m.; + nothing like it so close town; suit antique lover." + + _Observer_. + +This should make a beautiful retreat for an elderly _Lothario's_ +declining years. + + * * * * * + + "The Basement Tea Room is near the Boot Dept., where Afternoon + Teas at moderate prices are obtainable."--_Advt. in Evening + Paper_. + +Very _à propos--des bottes_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Governess_. "WELL, MOLLIE, WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE +OF?" + +_Mollie_. "'SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THAT'S NICE.'" + +_Governess_. "AND WHAT ARE LITTLE BOYS MADE OF?" + +_Mollie_. "'SNIPS AND SNAILS AND PUPPY DOGS' TAILS.' I TOLD BOBBIE THAT +YESTERDAY, AND HE COULD _HARDLY_ BELIEVE IT."] + + * * * * * + +THE BOMBER GIPSY. + + Come, let me tell the oft-told tale again + Of that strange Tyneside grenadier we had, + Whom none could quell or decently constrain, + For he was turbulent and sometimes bad, + Yet, stout of heart, he dearly loved to fight, + And spoke his fellows on a gusty night + In some high barn, where, huddled in the straw, + They watched the cheap wicks gutter on the shelf, + How he was irked with discipline and law, + And would fare forth to battle by himself. + + This said, he left them and returned no more; + But whispers passed from Vimy to Verdun, + Where'er the fields ran thickliest with gore, + Of some stray bomber that belonged to none, + But none more fierce or flung a fairer bomb, + Who ran unscathed the gamut of the Somme + And followed Freyberg up the Beaucourt mile + With uncouth cries and streaming muddy hair; + But after, when they sought his name and style + And would have honoured him--he was not there. + + But most he loved to lie upon Lorette + And, couched on cornflowers, gaze across the lines + At Vimy's heights--we had not Vimy yet-- + Pale Souchez's bones and Lens among the mines, + The tall pit-towers and dusky heaps of slag, + Until, like eagles on the mountain-crag + By strangers stirred, with hoarse indignant shrieks + Gunners emerged from some deep-delvéd lair + To chase the intruder from their sacred peaks + And cast him down to Ablain St. Nazaire. + + And rumour said he roamed the rearward ways + In quiet seasons when no battle brewed; + The transport, homing through the evening haze, + Had seen and carried him, and given him food; + And he would leave them at Bethune canteen + Or some hot drinking-house at Noeux-les-Mines, + Where he would sit with wine and eggs and bread + Till the swart minions of the A.P.M. + Stole in and called for him, but found him fled + Out at the back. He was too much for them. + + Too much. And surely thou shalt e'er be so; + No hungry discipline shall starve thy soul; + Shalt freely foot it where the poppies blow, + Shalt fight unfettered when the cannon roll, + And haply, Wanderer, when the hosts go home, + Thou only still in Aveluy shalt roam, + Haunting the crumbled windmill at Gavrelle + And fling thy bombs across the silent lea, + Drink with shy peasants at St. Catherine's Well + And in the dusk go home with them to tea. + + A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "KNIGHTLY MANNER." + +BELGIUM. "AS LONG AS THERE IS MOTION IN MY BODY, AND LIFE TO GIVE ME +WORDS, I'LL CRY FOR JUSTICE!" + +KAISER. "JUSTICE SHALL NEVER HEAR YOU. I AM JUSTICE!" + +_BEAUMONT AND FLETCHER, Valentinian,_ III. 1. + +("There is no longer any international law."--_The KAISER to Mr. +GERARD_.)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, August 13th_.--In a certain political club there used, before +the War, to be a popular pick-me-up compounded of a little whisky, a +little Angostura and a good deal of soda-water, and known after its +inventor as "a Henderson." In one respect the speech explaining his +resignation which the right hon. Member for Barnard Castle delivered +this afternoon resembled this eponymous beverage, for it was decidedly +effervescent. But the other ingredients were wrongly apportioned--too +much of the bitters and not enough of the mellowing spirit. + +His initial mistake was not realising in time that, as Mr. ASQUITH put +it, a man cannot permanently divide himself into watertight +compartments. As member of the War Cabinet and Secretary of the Labour +Party, he seems to have resembled one of those twin salad bottles from +which oil and vinegar can be dispensed alternately but not together. The +attempt to combine the two functions could only end, as it began, in a +double fiasco. + +[Illustration: THE DOUBLE FIASCO. + +MR. HENDERSON.] + +It is fortunate for the Ministry of Munitions that it possesses a +spokesman so bland and imperturbable as Sir WORTHINGTON EVANS. In +successive answers he informed the House that near Birmingham the +Ministry was evicting 130 allotment holders on the eve of their harvest, +in order to build a new factory; and that simultaneously it was +abandoning in the West of England the site of another gigantic factory, +on which a cool million had already been spent. Coming from almost any +other Minister this amazing example of how not to do it would have +raised a storm of supplemental inquiries, if not a motion for the +adjournment. But the House accepted Sir WORTHINGTON'S calm and +matter-of-fact narration as quietly as if it were the last word in +efficiency and coordination. + +I was a little premature last week in assuming that Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT +had been silenced by his appointment as Mr. CHURCHILL'S private +secretary. A long question to the Board of Trade, on the subject of +horse-hides, followed by a series of supplementaries delivered with his +customary emphasis, showed that he is not yet resigned to his muzzle. He +is not, however, entirely oblivious of the customary etiquette in this +matter, for he recited his catechism from the third bench behind +Ministers, and only when it was over descended to the second bench, +where private secretaries most do congregate. + +_Tuesday, August 14th_.-Mr. KING has a legitimate grievance against the +Government spokesmen. Two Nationalist Members having been allowed to go +to the United States to collect funds for their party, he asked +yesterday whether he too would be permitted to proceed abroad on a +similar mission. Mr. BONAR LAW, with his habitual courtesy, replied that +he, personally, would not offer any objection. But this afternoon, on +putting an almost identical question to Lord ROBERT CECIL, Mr. KING was +informed, with a touch of _brusquerie_, that "there are some people to +whom we should not think of granting a passport." He cannot reconcile +these replies, which seem to him to afford convincing proof that the +Government does not know its own mind. + +The Ministry of Munitions, In order to cater for the spiritual needs of +the new population at Gretna, has simultaneously provided sites for the +Church of Scotland, the Church of England, the Roman Catholics and the +Congregationalists. The local blacksmith is said to be aggrieved by all +this ecclesiastical rivalry. + +The HOME SECRETARY has determined to put a stop to the practice of +whistling for taxicabs in London. It is suggested that he would confer a +still greater boon on his fellow-townsmen if he would provide a few more +taxis for them not to whistle for. + +Mr. PETO complained once more of the refusal of the War Office to employ +"manipulative surgeons" in the Army, and called in aid the testimony of +Mr. HODGE, the Minister of Labour, as a proof of Mr. BARKER'S miraculous +powers. Sir WATSON CHEYNE, the newest Member of the House, pointed out +that unfortunately all bone-setters were not BARKERS; and, fortified by +this expert opinion, Mr. MACPHERSON declined to say more than that +private soldiers might go to these unconventional practitioners at their +own risk. + +_Wednesday, August 15th_.--Taking the view that a Corn Production Bill +was intended to produce corn, Lord CHAPLIN made an effort to secure that +the bounties should be paid in accordance with the crops harvested and +not upon the acreage sown. But the Government, unwilling to risk a +quarrel with the other House at this late period of the Season, declined +to accept the amendment. The bounties therefore will fall, like the +rain, upon good and bad land alike, though in the interests of the +general taxpayer I trust not quite so heavily. + +To take down the Ladies' Grille, Sir ALFRED MONO informed the House, +would only cost a matter of five pounds. All the same I think there was +some disappointment in certain quarters, including the gilded cage +itself, that this momentous question should be disposed of without +debate. Several sparkling orations, teeming with wit and persiflage, +were nipped in the bud. A score of ungallant fellows, including several +whom I should have diagnosed as ladies' men, opposed the removal, but +they were outnumbered eight to one. + +Mr. WALTER LONG introduced a Bill to enable the Government to prospect +for oil in the United Kingdom. If this should necessitate the +appointment of a Controller of Bores he will find abundance of work. + +Contrary to expectation Mr. CHURCHILL succeeded in piloting the +Munitions of War Bill through its remaining stages in double-quick time. +Its progress was facilitated by his willingness to abolish the +leaving-certificate, which a workman hitherto had to procure before +changing one job for another. Having had unequalled experience in this +respect he is convinced that the leaving-certificate is a useless +formality. + +_Thursday, August 16_.--Owing to the House meeting at noon the usual +time-limit for Questions did not apply. Messrs. PRINGLE and HOGGE were +especially active. With a meaning glance in their direction the HOME +SECRETARY, replying to a complaint of Mr. GULLAND that the +representation of the Northern Kingdom would not be increased by the +Representation of the People Bill, observed that he saw no sufficient +reason for extending the number of Scottish Members. + +Food-stocks going up, thanks to the energy of the farmers and the +economy of consumers; German submarines going down, thanks to the Navy; +Russia recovering herself; Britain and France advancing hand-in-hand on +the Western Front, and our enemies fumbling for peace--that was the gist +of the message with which the PRIME MINISTER sped the parting Commons. +But, fearing perhaps that he might have made them unduly optimistic, he +concluded with a warning that not until next year could we expect to +reap the fruits of our labours. + +An attempt by Messrs. MACDONALD and SNOWDEN to keep the Stockholm fires +burning quickly fizzled out. Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITHS mocked at the claim of +those elegant doctrinaires to speak for British Labour, and Mr. BONAR +LAW told them frankly that the Government had no intention of letting +them go to Stockholm to chat with our enemies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UPPER PICTURE INDICATES WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THE +LADIES' GRILLE IN THE IMAGINATION OF THE HOUSE. THE LOWER PICTURE +INDICATES THE GRIM REALITY.] + + * * * * * + + "Neu propius tectis taxum sine." + + _Vergil: Georg. IV. 47._ + +Do not signal for a taxi near houses. + + * * * * * + + WAR ECONOMY + + "The Federated Chamber of Court Dressmakers of Paris has + informed the Government that for the winter season 1917-18 the + length employed for woollen costumes will not exceed 4-1/2 + in."--_Yorkshire Evening News_. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a motoring accident:-- + + "The car pulled up in about a year and a half."--_Kentish + Mercury_. + +Quicker than the War, anyhow. + + * * * * * + +From an article headed "Exclusive War Information":-- + + "Vertical parallel Lines that do not look so--an optical + Illusion almost as curious as that which makes Soldiers + invisible when dressed in Combinations of bright Colours." + + _Popular Science Siftings._ + +We do not think our contemporary ought to give away military secrets +like this. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL PICK-ME-UPS. + +Recent revelations as to the way in which our leading Statesmen keep +themselves fit have been almost entirely concerned with their physical +recreations. Further investigations make it clear that they owe their +fitness quite as much to diet, to alternating one form of brain-work +with another or to the consolations of music. + +Thus Mr. BALFOUR, who has little time for golf nowadays, finds his most +refreshing recreation in reading the speeches of Lord NORTHCLIFFE, +co-ordinating them with those of BURKE and PERICLES, and setting them to +music in the style of HANDEL, his favourite composer. + +Lord RHONDDA finds his chief solace in gratifying his literary tastes. +In philosophy he is at present a convinced Rationalist. He is devoted to +the study of BACON, but not averse from the lighter sort of fiction, +having a special preference for cheerful stories published in a cereal +form. + +The PRIME MINISTER, it may not be generally known, recruits his energies +by frequent perusal of the plays of SHAKSPEARE. At present he is +conducting a correspondence with Sir SIDNEY LEE and Professor GOLLANCZ +on the esoteric significance of _Labour's Love's Lost_. + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is a voracious novel-reader of catholic tastes. +Just now he is revelling in _Called Back_ and _The House on the Marsh_, +which are being read aloud to him by his private secretary. + +Mr. ARTHUR PONSONBY, M.P., the Democratic Controller, is a confirmed +fruitarian, and attributes his robust health to a diet of Morella +cherries and Carlsbad plums, washed down with Stockholm tar-water. + +Mr. JOHN BURNS, who happily describes himself as "a dormant volcano" has +of late found an agreeable stimulant in the performance of solos on the +muted first violin. + +Lastly, Mr. LEO MAXSE keeps himself keyed up to concert pitch by coining +new nicknames for Lord HALDANE. The list already extends to four +figures. + + * * * * * + + "Khartum has the reputation of being a very hot place this time + of year. But last June must have been fairly damp if the + meteorological statistics published by the 'Sudan Times' are + correct. The rainfall during this month amounted to no less than + 33.6 kilometres. No wonder a man I know there wrote to say the + other day that sometimes the rain is too heavy for him to go on + sleeping on the roof, and this in spite of a waterproof sheet. A + life-belt would probably be more useful."--_Egyptian Mail_. + +Only NOAH'S Ark would really meet the case. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tommy_. "WHAT ARE YE GOING TO DO WITH IT?" + +_Second Tommy (with tiny prisoner)._ "FIX IT ON THE BONNET OF THE +GENERAL'S MOTOR-CAR."] + + * * * * * + +MATILDA + +_(From our Adjutant's Diary)._ + +The depôt has decided that Matilda is a notable puppy. I could not tell +you her particular make, but our motor cyclist artificer described her +as a "1917 model; well upholstered but weak in the chassis and +unreliable in the differential on hairpin bends; in fact, built for +comfort and not speed." + +Matilda became a celebrity all in one day. The C.O. wrote the following +chit to her master:-- + +"O.C.-'A' Company.--If your dog _must_ stroll into my orderly-room, will +you please see that she is kept reasonably clean? Please take necessary +action, initial and return." + +Matilda was bathed and sent back for inspection to the C.O., with a chit +from O.C. "A" Company, pointing out that, as he couldn't initial her, he +had put his office stamp on her tummy and hoped it wouldn't rub off. + +The C.O. pronounced Matilda to be moderately clean. As she was +conducting the trumpeter back to "A" Company she fell into a vat of +by-products near the mess hut. She couldn't be washed again, as the +Quartermaster had already written three scathing chits about the +previous use of depôt disinfectant. Matilda spent the night licking +herself clean in the detention cell. + +The staff of "A" Company loved Matilda in spite of the fact that her +conduct was prejudicial to good order and military discipline, and that +she constantly used abusive language to her superiors. Even the Company +Sergeant-Major loved her. He might have loved her still, but ... and +that's the story. + +Brown was the depôt nuisance. He had a conduct sheet filled up in red +and black, and his entries would have been even more numerous if he had +not possessed a great gift of cunning. He had had several passages of +arms with the C.S.M. of "A" Company and had emerged unscathed more than +once. + +On the occasion of this story Brown was being tried for using abusive +language to a superior officer, to wit, the said C.S.M. The abusive +language consisted of one very striking epithet. The charge was read +over to Brown, and the C.S.M. was called upon to give evidence. He +stepped smartly forward. Matilda loitered between his legs ... and then, +I regret to say, the C.S.M. applied the same epithet to Matilda that +Brown had applied to him. + +The case was reluctantly dismissed, and Matilda is out of favour with +the C.S.M. + + * * * * * + + "It was my first experience of a sandstorm, and I can tell you + that the sensation was a most terrible one. With the aid of my + assistants I got off the camel, which immediately stretched + itself in the sand, and moistening my handkerchief pushed it + across my face." + + _Sydney Herald (N.S.W.)._ + +Wise and dexterous creature! We presume it drew the moisture from its +internal reservoir. + + * * * * * + + "The second cook, who is an American citizen, managed when the + Germans ordered the lifeboats to be given up to hide one under + his raincoat."--_Western Mail_. + +One of the collapsible sort, no doubt. + + * * * * * + + "Some very daring entrances were forced into these fortresses. + One single soldier not directly concerned with the attack found + 20 bottles of champagne in one, drank a glass or two, and went + forward to seek for others. Squeezing into one he discovered a + German officer in bed."--_Daily Mail_. + +It must have been a bantam who thought of this ingenious ruse. + + * * * * * + +THE NORTH ATLANTIC TRADE. + + As I was walking beside the docks I met a pal o' mine + I sailed with once on the Colonies run in Thomson's Blue Star Line; + Said I, "What cheer--what brings you here?" "Why, 'aven't you 'eard?" + he said; + "I'm under the Windsor 'ouse-flag now in the North Atlantic trade. + We sweep a bit an' we fight a bit--an' that's what we like the best-- + But a towin' job or a salvage job, they all go in with the rest; + When we aren't too busy upsettin' old Fritz an' 'is frightfulness + blockade, + A bit of all sorts don't come amiss in the North Atlantic trade." + + "And how does old Atlantic look?" "Oh, round an' about the same; + 'E 'asn't seemed to alter a lot since I've been in the game; + 'E's about as big as 'e always was, an' 'e's pretty well just as wet + (Or, if there's some parts anyway dry, well, I 'aven't struck none + yet!), + There's the same old bust-up, same old mess, when a green sea breaks + inboard, + An' the equinoctials roarin' by the same as they've always roared, + An' the West Wind playin' the same old larks 'e's been at since the + world was made-- + They've a peach of a time, 'ave sailormen, in the North Atlantic + trade." + + "And who's your skipper, and what is he like?" "Oh, well, if you want + to know. + I'm sailin' under a hard-case mate as I sailed with years ago; + 'E's big an' bucko an' full o' beans, the same as 'e used to be + When I knowed 'im last in the windbag days when first I followed the + sea. + 'E was worth two men at the lee fore brace, an' three at the bunt of a + sail; + 'E'd a voice you could 'ear to the royal-yards in the teeth of a Cape + 'Orn gale; + But now 'e's a full-blown lootenant an' wears the twisted braid, + Commandin' one of 'is Majesty's ships in the North Atlantic trade." + + "And what is the ship you're sailin' in?" "Oh, she's a bit of a + terror-- + She ain't no bloomin' levvyathan, an' that's no fatal error! + She scoops the seas like a gravy-spoon when the gales are up an' + blowin', + But Fritz 'e loves 'er above a bit when 'er fightin' fangs are + showin'. + The liners go their stately way an' the cruisers take their ease, + But where would they be if it wasn't for us, with the water up to our + knees? + We're wadin' when their soles are wet, we're swimmin' when they wade, + For I tell you small craft gets it a treat in the North Atlantic + trade!" + + "And what is the port you're plying to?" "When the last long trick is + done + There'll some come back to the old 'ome port--'ere's 'opin' I'll be + one; + But some 'ave made a new landfall, an' sighted another shore, + An' it ain't no use to watch for them, for they won't come 'ome no + more. + There ain't no 'arbour dues to pay when once they're over the bar, + Moored bow an' stern in a quiet berth where the lost three-deckers + are, + An' there's NELSON 'oldin' 'is one 'and out an' welcomin' them that's + made + The roads o' Glory an' the port of Death in the North Atlantic trade!" + +C. F. S. + + * * * * * + +SELF-DENIAL. + +"And what," I said, "did you do during the Great War, Francesca?" + +"In the first place I fine you a sum not exceeding one hundred pounds +for asking me such a question. In the second place I retort upon you by +telling you that one of the things you're going to do during the Great +War is to give up marmalade." + +"What! Give up the thing which lends to breakfast its one and only +distinction? Never." + +"That," she said, "sounds very brave; but what are you going to do if +there isn't any marmalade to be obtained for love or money?" + +"Mine," I said, "has always been the sort you get for money. I have not +hitherto met the amatory variety; but if it's really marmalade I'm +prepared to have a go at it." + +"And that," she said, "is very kind of you, but it's quite useless. For +the moment there's no marmalade of any kind to be had." + +"None of the dark-brown variety?" + +"No." + +"Or the sort that looks like golden jelly?" + +"Not a scrap." + +"Or the old-fashioned but admirable kind? The excellent substitute for +butter at breakfast?" + +"That must go like the rest. It has been a substitute for the last +time." + +"Impossible," I said. "Everything is now a substitute for something +else. Marmalade started being a substitute long ago, and it isn't fair +to stop it and let the other things go on." + +"Well," she said, "what are you going to do about it? If you can't get +Seville oranges how are you going to get Seville orange marmalade?" + +"Oh, that's it, is it?" + +"Yes, that's it, more or less. And now let's have your remedy." + +"You needn't think," I said, "that I'm going to take it lying down. I +shall go up to London and defy Lord RHONDDA to his face. I shall write +pro-marmalade letters to various newspapers. I shall form a Marmalade +League, with branches in all the constituencies so as to bring political +pressure to bear. I shall head a deputation to the PRIME MINISTER. I +shall get Mr. KING or Mr. HOGGE or Mr. PRINGLE, or all three of them, to +ask questions in the House of Commons. In short I shall exhaust all the +usual devices for giving the Government a thoroughly uncomfortable +time." + +"In short you will do your patriotic best to help your country through +its difficulties and to put the interest of the nation above your own +convenience." + +"Francesca," I said, "you must not be too serious. I was but attempting +a jest." + +"This is no time for jests. I can't bear even to think of your joining +the Brigade of Grousers who are always girding at the Government. I +won't stand your being a girder. So make up your mind to that." + +"Very well," I said, "I will endeavour not to be a girder; but you +simply _must_ get me a pot or two of marmalade." + +"And allow the KAISER to win the War? Not if I know it. Besides, I don't +like marmalade." + +"There you are," I said. "You don't like marmalade--few women do--and so +you're going to make a virtue for yourself by forcing _me_ to give it +up. My dear, you've given the whole show away." + +"Don't juggle with words," she said, speaking with a dreadful calm. "I +may be able to get a pot or two--say at the outside a dozen pots. Well, +if I manage it I will inform you--" + +"Yes," I said eagerly. + +"If I manage it," she repeated, "you shall know of it, and you shall +make your self-denial complete and efficacious." + +"I don't like the way in which this sentence is turning out." + +"You shall have a pot in front of you at breakfast, and you shan't touch +a shred of it." + +"Francesca," I said, "you're a tyrant. But no, you wouldn't be mean +enough to do it--before the children too." + +"Perhaps, as a concession, I would allow you a little marmalade in a +pudding at luncheon." + +"But I don't like marmalade in a pudding at luncheon. I like it on toast +at breakfast." + +"But you're not going to have it on toast at breakfast." + +"Well," I said, "I shall conduct reprisals. For every time you don't +allow me to have any I shall destroy something you like--a blouse or a +hat. If I'm to give up the essence of Dundee or Paisley you shall at +least give up hats." + +"But the marmalade will remain." + +"Yes, and the hats will all perish. That's where I come in." + +"Don't buoy yourself up with that notion," she said. "You'll have to pay +for the new ones--or owe." + +R. C. L + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, CONSTABLE, I CAN'T GET A TAXI. THEY ALL SAY IT'S +THEIR DINNER-HOUR. IS IT ANY GOOD MY WAITING?" + +"I CAN'T SAY, MISS. IF YOU WAS ON THE SPOT YOU _MIGHT_ BE ABLE TO CATCH +ONE AFORE THEIR TEA-HOUR BEGINS."] + + * * * * * + + Commercial Candour. + + From a tailor's advertisement:-- + + "HAVE YOU ANY BLUE SERGES? YES! WE HAVE -- (REGD.) IN STOCK. THE + SUIT TO ORDER .. 63/- Will last about another month." + + _Southern Daily Echo._ + + * * * * * + +Quotation from an article in the _Frankfurter Zeitung_ in praise of +sandals:-- + + "When people saunter through the town without hats--who still + wears a hat?--why should they not go without stockings?" + + _Times_. + +Well, the explanation may be that while the German head is hot the +German feet are cold. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S "SPORPOT." + +Two Summers ago Mr. Punch gave an account of the Sporpot (or Spaerpot, +meaning a savings-box), a familiar institution which our little guests +from Belgium brought over with them to England. The idea was taken up by +certain schools in South Africa, and a competition was started to see +which of them could fill the biggest Sporpot to make a fund for helping +to restore the homes of Belgian exiles. This year the Eunice High School +for Girls at Bloemfontein comes out first, and the second honours fall +to the St. Andrew's Preparatory School for Boys at Grahamstown. The +total sum of thirty-two pounds collected by the competing schools has +been forwarded to and received by the author of the _Punch_ article and +will be used by him for the purpose desired. + +Mr. Punch begs to offer his congratulations to the winners and his best +thanks to all who have contributed so generously from their personal +savings to the needs of the children of our Ally. + + * * * * * + +A Tough Proposition. + + "Ducks (15) For Sale, 7 years old; 4s. each."--_Staffordshire + Sentinel_. + + * * * * * + +WHISPER, AND I SHALL HEAR. + +There's nothing like a newspaper for spreading disease. You wake up in +the morning, feeling fit to do a day's digging on your allotment; you +come down to your breakfast singing a Rhonddalay and eat more than your +allowance. Then you open the newspaper, glance at the latest accession +to the ranks of the Allied Powers, and suddenly, "Plop!" you find there +is a new disease raging, and before you know where you are you discover +that you have got it badly. + +That is how I discovered that I was the possessor of a heart murmur. By +putting my hand on the spot under which I had been taught, and still +believed, my heart to be, I felt rather than heard a distinct burbling. + +I went to the telephone and fixed up an appointment with a specialist. + +"It's only a murmur now," I said when I reached the consulting-room, +"only a mere whisper, but----" + +The doctor tapped me vigorously. Being very absent-minded I said, "Come +in," the first time. + +"You were rejected for this, I suppose?" he said. + +"No, cow-hocked or spavined, I forget which," I said. "This hadn't +started then." + +The rite was quite a lengthy one, and at the conclusion the heartsmith +said, "M--yes, there is a slight murmuring, certainly." + +He wrote me out a prescription, and I felt the murmur myself distinctly +when parting with three of the greater Bradburys and three shillings. + +On the way home I ran into Beatrice. + +"Well, old thing," she said, "what's the matter? I saw you coming out of +Dr. Cox's." + +"Yes," I said. "I've got a heart murmur. I don't know what the poor +things been trying to say, but it's been murmuring like anything all the +morning." + +"Perhaps you're in love," she suggested. + +"By Jove, I never thought of that. I wonder," I said, "if it's anything +to do with you. If this were not such a public place you might like to +put your head against my top left-hand waistcoat pocket and listen. +Perhaps it's saying something about you." + +"Have you taken to writing poetry about me?" she said. "That's always a +sign." + +"Now I come to think of it," I said, "I did feel a bit broody the other +day, and hatched a line or two, but I can't say for certain that I had +you in my mind. The lines ran like this:-- + + "Oh, glorious female, like a goddess decked, + No wonder that we crawl on bended knee--" + +"Rotten," said Beatrice. "You couldn't have been thinking of me. I'm not +a female." + +"You have the right plumage for the hen-bird," I said. "However, what +did me was 'decked.' I could only think of three rhymes, 'wrecked,' +'flecked' and 'stiff-necked.' You're not any of those by any chance?" + +"There's 'circumspect', suggested Beatrice. + +"Ah! Come and have lunch," I said, "and we'll talk it over. Some place +where I can hold your hand and really find out if you are the cause of +it all." + +"Do you think I ought to?" she said. + +"Good heavens! Of course you ought," I said. "It's most important. My +heart's only murmuring now, but it may start shouting soon, and a silly +ass I shall look walking about in the street with a heart yelling +'Beatrice' at the top of its voice." + +As regards meat and drink I consider that Beatrice overdid it for a +war-time lunch. She didn't give me any time to hold her hand, she was so +busy. + +"It's curious," I said, as I watched the amount of food that was going +her way, "but my heart seems to have stopped murmuring altogether." + +"Has it?" she said. "Oddly enough, mine's begun." + +"Your luncheon has overstrained you," I said. + +I had a letter from Beatrice the next morning. + + DEAR JIMMY (she wrote),--You were wrong. Mine was a real murmur. + It's been coming on for some time, but not on your account. It's + murmuring for Basil Fludger. He's on leave, and we fixed things + up last Tuesday. I didn't tell you when I met you, because I was + afraid you wouldn't want to take me to lunch, and I _did_ enjoy + it. + + Yours ever, BEATRICE. + +If my heart gets really noisy I do hope it won't shout for Beatrice. It +would be so useless. + + "Let us go hence, my heart; + she will not hear" (_Swinburne_). + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HEARD THE LATEST RUMOUR UP FROM THE BACK, GEORGE? WAR'S +GOING TO BE OVER NEXT WEEK." + +"HO. WELL, I HOPE IT DON'T UPSET MY GOING ON LEAVE NEXT TUESDAY."] + + * * * * * + +CIGARISTICS + + ["According to an enterprising American scientist a man's + character can be told from the way he smokes a cigar."--_Weekly + Paper_.] + +For, instance, a man who snatches a cigar from somebody else's mouth and +smokes it himself may be assumed to be of a grasping disposition. + +The man who while smoking a cigar burns his finger is a man of few words +and quick of action. Plumbers never burn their fingers like that. + +The man who smokes his cigar right through without removing it from his +mouth is a deep thinker. Lord NORTHCLIFFE always smokes one cigar right +through before deciding what England really wants, and two when he has +to decide which Cabinet Minister must go. + +The man who accepts a cigar from a friend, lights it, sniffs and drops +it behind his chair has no character worth mentioning. + + * * * * * + +Mem. for Agriculturists. + +Protect the birds and the insects will be in their crops. Destroy the +birds and the crops will be in the insects. + + * * * * * + + "S.P. (Lincoln).--Humming-birds don't hum with their mouths. The + humming is the vibration of their wings while flying--for the + same reason that a blue-bottle or an aeroplane + hums."--_Pearson's Weekly_. + +So it is not the pilot rubbing his feet together, as we had been taught +to believe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Uncle_. "BY JOVE, THERE'S A NICE QUIET-LOOKING GIRL JUST +COME IN. WONDER WHO SHE IS." _Niece_. "HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST. MUST BE +PRE-WAR."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_ + +_The Safety Candle_ (CASSELL) might have been called, but for the fact +that the title has been used already, A Comedy of Age. For this is what +it is--only perhaps less a comedy than a tragedy. _Agnes Tempest_ was +called the Safety Candle, for the ingenious reason that, though +attractive, she burnt nobody's wings. Returning as a middle-aging widow, +after an unhappy wifehood in Africa, she meets on the boat two persons, +_Captain Brangwyn_, a young man, and a girl-mother calling herself +_Antonina Pisa_. Hence the tears. _Brangwyn_ she marries, doubtfully, +half-defiantly, despite the difference in years between them; _Antonina_ +is taken as a companion and very soon developes into a sick-nurse. For +in the space between the ship-board engagement and the wedding a railway +accident changes poor _Agnes_ from a still beautiful and active woman to +a nerve-ridden invalid. But in spite of this she and _Brangwyn_ marry; +and (with the much too attractive _Antonina_ always in evidence) you can +guess the result. One odd point; you will hardly get any distance into +Miss E.S. STEVENS' exceedingly well-written story without being struck +by its resemblance to one of Mr. HICHENS' romances. The relative +positions of the members of the triangle, middle-aged wife, young +husband, and girl are exactly those of _The Call of the Blood_; while +the Sicilian setting is identical. But this of course is by no means to +accuse Miss STEVENS of plagiarism; her development of the situation, and +especially the tragedy that resolves it, is both original and +convincing. The end indeed took me wholly unawares, since as a hardened +novel-reader I had naturally been expecting--but read it, and see if you +also are not startled by a refreshing departure from the conventional. + + * * * * * + +If there still linger in the remoter parts of Cromarty or the Balls Pond +Road certain unsophisticated persons who believe that the stage is one +long glad symposium of wine, woman and song they will be interested to +know that Mr. KEBLE HOWARD has written his latest novel, _The Gay Life_ +(JOHN LANE), with the express object--or so he says--of disillusioning +them. He has no use for the cynic who declared that there are three +sexes, men, women and actors. His Thespians are gay because they are +happy, and happy because (though poor) they are virtuous. The crowning +ambition of their lives of honest toil is not unlimited silk-stockings +and champagne suppers, but the combined and unqualified approval of Mr. +GRANVILLE BARKER and Miss HORNIMAN. I fear the Philistines will not be +much impressed with Mr. KEBLE HOWARD'S championship. In the first place +he selects for his heroine a girl of what used to be known as the "lower +orders." Yet it is more than doubtful if the lower orders have ever done +anything for Mr. KEBLE HOWARD except open his cab-doors and bring his +washing home on Saturday night. Otherwise he would not make his East End +of London heroine talk an argot of which fifty per cent, is pure East +Side Noo York. True, "the curtain" finds her in New York in the arms of +a faithful and acrobatic American, so perhaps it doesn't matter much. +Meanwhile she has become the idol of the Manchester School, enjoyed an +unsuccessful season in partnership with the late Sir HERBERT BEERBOHM +TREE, and signed a contract with the SCHUBERTS to tour the States, and +all without any apparent diminution of the guileless flow of +"Whitechapel" with which she won the hearts of her first employers. It +is courageous of Mr. HOWARD to place on record his apparent belief that +a total absence of the three "R's" and any number of "h's" cannot debar +a strong-minded daughter of the slums from the higher rungs of the +histrionic ladder. + + * * * * * + +When a warm-hearted and law-abiding gentleman, who has kept open-house +for many guests, suddenly discovers that these guests have plotted +against him, have read his private correspondence, have caused +explosions in his garden, have attacked his neighbours from the +vantage-ground of his house, and altogether have behaved as if he didn't +exist, he is not unlikely to be both shocked and angry, and to denounce +to the world the crew of traitors and assassins who have imposed on his +kindness and hospitality. This is what happened to Uncle Sam at the +hands of the German conspirators for whom he had unconsciously provided +a base of operations. A full account of the doings of this poisonous +gang is given in _The German Spy in America_ (HUTCHINSON), by JOHN PRICE +JONES, a member of the staff of the New York _Sun_. It is not easy for +anyone, least of all for a good American, to refrain from indignation at +the baseness of the rogues who thus battened for many months on the +United States and their people. The book is soberly and clearly written, +and is commended by Mr. ROOSEVELT in a Foreword, to which are added +another Foreword by the Author, and an Introduction by Mr. ROGER B. +WOOD, formerly U.S. Assistant-Attorney in New York. + + * * * * * + +With whatever sharpness of criticism I had approached _Ma'am_ +(HUTCHINSON), the edge of it would have been turned by the statement +upon the fly-leaf that the author, M. BERESFORD RYLEY, died while the +novel was still in manuscript, and that it has been revised for the +press by her friend, Mr. E.V. LUCAS. As things are, having before me +only the pleasant task of praise, I am the more sorry that I cannot +increase that pleasure by telling the writer how much I have enjoyed a +wholly admirable story. She had above everything the rare art of writing +about homely and familiar matters unboringly. _Ma'am_ (a not too happy +title) begins in a dull parish, where its heroine is the newly-wedded +wife of the curate. You will have read no more than the opening pages +(descriptive of the terrible Sunday evening supper which the pair took +at the Vicarage--a supper of cold meat and a ground-rice mould, whereat +four jaded and parish-worn persons lacerated one another's nerves) +before you will have realised gratefully that the story and its +characters are going to be alive with a very refreshing and unpuppetlike +vitality. Eventually, of course, more happens than Vicarage suppers. An +old lover of _Griselda_ (Mrs. Curate) turns up, and many most +unparochial events follow upon his arrival. The scene shifts to Naples, +and we meet a villaful of men and women, all of them admirably original +and human. Not for a great while have I read a story so unforced and +appealing. It is indeed a sad thought that this graceful pen will give +us nothing more of its quality. + + * * * * * + +When you hear the title or see the cover of _The Heel of the Hun_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) your blood may begin to curdle and your flesh to +creep. Be assured. When I think of some of the war-books vouchsafed to +us Mr. J.P. WHITAKER'S is almost tame, and I venture to say that it +might be read out loud at a party of sock-knitters without a stitch +being dropped. Mr. WHITAKER was in Roubaix and, presumably because he +was believed to be an American, was allowed considerable freedom. So, +before he escaped into Holland, he saw some things which were not for +British eyes, and he tells us about them with a staidness altogether +unusual in this kind of book. Although he forgets to mention the fact, +his articles have already appeared in _The Times_, and I can see no +particular reason why they should have been gathered together in this +brief volume. Anyhow, I must believe that the Hun's heel fell less +heavily on Mr. WHITAKER than upon most people who have had the +misfortune to be introduced to it. + + * * * * * + +An author who can choose so fascinating a title as _The Way of the Air_ +(HEINEMANN) certainly has much in his favour, and this not only because +of the more or less temporary connection between aeronautics and +victory, but because just lately we have all been talking large and free +about peace-time developments of the craft in the near future. +Personally I have already arranged to take my wife's mother for a short +week-end in the Holy Land in the Spring of 1920; and a forty-eight +hours' mail service to Bombay is an event of to-morrow. Thus, if Mr. +EDGAR C. MIDDLETON'S book fails to secure general appreciation, he must +place the blame elsewhere than with his subject, and it is a fact that +by some repetitions and contradictions, as well as by a tendency to let +one down at what should be the critical point of his yarns, he has done +something to alienate a public--such as myself--entirely predisposed in +his favour. It remains to say, all the same, that this little volume is +in the main a sincere and obviously well-informed account of the doings +of the men of our air services, full of incident and achievement utterly +beyond belief an unbelievably short time ago. In the pages he devotes to +prophecy--an irresistible temptation--he is on controversial ground, and +his apparent preference for the "gas-bag" as the principal craft of the +future will certainly not find general acceptance. Much more to my +liking is his suggestion that duck chasing and shooting from an +aeroplane--it has already been done at least once--may become a +recognised sport. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Barber_. "MY TONIC 'AIR-RESTORER IS TO THE BALD 'EAD +WHAT THE BENEFICENT SPRAY IS TO THE BLIGHTED TOOBER."] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10450 *** |