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diff --git a/1026-h/1026-h.htm b/1026-h/1026-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..51c7913 --- /dev/null +++ b/1026-h/1026-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5220 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George and Weedon Grossmith</title> +<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> +<style type="text/css"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + .GutSmall { font-size: 0.7em; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + img { border: none; } + img.dc { float: left; width: 50px; height: 50px; } + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 100%; border-top: 1px solid;} + div.gapmediumline { height: 0.3em; width: 40%; margin-left:30%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + div.gapshortdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; + margin-left: 40%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1026 ***</div> + +<h1>The Diary of<br /> +a Nobody</h1> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br +/> +GEORGE GROSSMITH<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">AND</span><br /> +WEEDON GROSSMITH</p> + +<p style="text-align: center">WITH ILLUSTRATIONS<br /> +<span class="GutSmall">BY</span><br /> +<span class="GutSmall">WEEDON GROSSMITH</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center">A NEW EDITION</p> + +<p style="text-align: center">BRISTOL<br /> +<span class="smcap">J. W. Arrowsmith</span>, <span +class="smcap">Printer</span>, <span class="smcap">Quay +Street</span></p> + +<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br /> +<span class="smcap">Simpkin</span>, <span +class="smcap">Marshall</span>, <span +class="smcap">Hamilton</span>, <span class="smcap">Kent & +Company Limited</span></p> +<h2>INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER</h2> +<p><i>Why should I not publish my diary</i>? <i>I have +often seen reminiscences of people I have never even heard +of</i>, <i>and I fail to see</i>—<i>because I do not happen +to be a</i> ‘<i>Somebody</i>’—<i>why my diary +should not be interesting</i>. <i>My only regret is that I +did not commence it when I was a youth</i>.</p> + +<p style="text-align: right"><span class="smcap">Charles +Pooter</span>.</p> + +<p><i>The Laurels</i>,<br /> + <i>Brickfield Terrace</i>,<br /> + + +<i>Holloway</i>.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We settle down in our new home, and I resolve +to keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does the +scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a great +compliment.</p> + +<p>My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new +house, “The Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, +Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not counting +basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little +front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front +door, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. +Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come to +the little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble of +going up to the front door, thereby taking her from her +work. We have a nice little back garden which runs down to +the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of the +trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them +after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was +certainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall at +the bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.</p> + +<p>After my work in the City, I like to be at home. +What’s the good of a home, if you are never in it? +“Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I am +always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in +without ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My +dear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like to +drop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass our +evenings together without friends. There is always +something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put +straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail +down—all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while +Carrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending a +pillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia Gavotte” on +our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system), +manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and +Collard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfort +to us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in the +Bank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him. +Now for my diary:—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 3.—Tradesmen called for +custom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him a +turn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, that +reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bells +must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front +door rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is +ridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, but +wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell of +paint.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 4. Tradesmen still +calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, who +seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered a +shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. +Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound +of fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for +kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of eggs. In the +evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaum +pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle it +carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was +moist. He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t +care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper +as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I +shall get into a <i>scrape</i>. I don’t often make +jokes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 5.—Two shoulders of +mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcher +without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scraper +coming in. <i>Must</i> get that scraper removed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 6.—Eggs for breakfast +simply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments, +and he needn’t call any more for orders. +Couldn’t find umbrella, and though it was pouring with +rain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have +took it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the +‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the +evening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant +in the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and was +surprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was both +drunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would be +hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the game +wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, +and quietly remarked that I thought it was <i>possible</i> for a +city clerk to be a <i>gentleman</i>. He replied he was very +glad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever come +across one, for <i>he</i> hadn’t. He left the house, +slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and +I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I +hadn’t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a +splendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I will +keep it for another occasion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 7.—Being Saturday, I +looked forward to being home early, and putting a few things +straight; but two of our principals at the office were absent +through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found +Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to +apologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unable +to take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last night +instead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound of +fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow; +so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request that +on this occasion they <i>should</i> be fresh. I am afraid +we shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old +ones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on either +side. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden the +paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark +chocolate) on Monday.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8, Sunday.—After +Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in to +open front door, which we do not use except on special +occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my +display, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did +not catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot in +the scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Most +annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on a +Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk +round the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing +mustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in the +evening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he had +got on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wants +me to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Tradesmen and the scraper still +troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints of +the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. +Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, +and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a +fool before Cummings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.—Commenced the +morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided <i>not</i> to +arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for +manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want +my custom. I simply said: “Then what are you making +all this fuss about it for?” And he shouted out at +the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear: +“Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up +‘things’ like you by the dozen!”</p> + +<p>I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this +disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a +violent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It +was the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his foot +over the scraper, and would immediately bring an action against +me. Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, on my way +to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairing +the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the +landlord with such a trifling matter.</p> + +<p>Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter +and decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not match +the colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine. +He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if he +could get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint the +stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to +match it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be +more satisfactory to him and to us to have the work done +properly. I consented, but felt I had been talked +over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and went +to bed at nine.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 10.—Farmerson came +round to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a very +civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such +small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked +him, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of +the young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them that +if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might be +discharged.</p> + +<p>Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six +weeks, told me “to keep my hair on!” I informed +him I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, to +which he insolently replied that I “looked it.” +I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you +some respect, sir.” He replied: “All right, go +on demanding.” I would not argue with him any +further. You cannot argue with people like that. In +the evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the +smell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his +remarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properly +reminded him that she was present.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 11.—Mustard-and-cress +and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a day of +annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the +City, through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for +the second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to the +hall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on the +fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at the +side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I +knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs +doing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the +bell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handle +came off in his hand.</p> + +<p>I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never +happened to me before. There has recently been much +irregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, +our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pounce +down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to the +others. The result was that I was the only one late of the +lot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I +was saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s +desk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: “How +disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” +This was, of course, meant for me. I treated the +observation with silence, simply giving him a look, which +unfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerks +laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignified +if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings +called in the evening, and we played dominoes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 12.—Mustard-and-cress +and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson repairing the +scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I +asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a +fresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a +most ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it +evidently knew nothing about his business. I felt his +excuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.</p> + +<p>In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a +smoke together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us +later, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much for +her. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing had +given me what he called a green cigar, one that his friend +Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar +didn’t look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for +when I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retire +on the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.</p> + +<p>I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling +the need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was +not smoking: offered me another cigar, which I politely +declined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipating +him, I said: “You’re not going to complain of the +smell of paint again?” He said: “No, not this +time; but I’ll tell you what, I distinctly smell dry +rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I replied: +“You’re talking a lot of <i>dry rot</i> +yourself.” I could not help roaring at this, and +Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never +was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said +before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and +laughed till the bed shook.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 13.—An extraordinary +coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintz +covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sun +fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and +recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old +aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14.—Spent the whole of +the afternoon in the garden, having this morning picked up at a +bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition, +on <i>Gardening</i>. I procured and sowed some half-hardy +annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I +thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out +rather testy, I thought. I said: “I have just +discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied: +“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at the +<i>boarders</i>.” Carrie said: “Is that all you +wanted me for?” I said: “Any other time you +would have laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie +said: “Certainly—<i>at any other time</i>, but not +when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked very +nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked <i>all +right</i>, but it made the banisters look <i>all wrong</i>, and +suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed +with. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, +so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide. +By-the-by, that is rather funny.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15, Sunday.—At three +o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walk +over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend named +Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except +Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the +ground and cutting at the grass with his stick.</p> + +<p>As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, +and Gowing suggested that we should make for “The Cow and +Hedge” and get some tea. Stillbrook said: “A +brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I reminded +them that all public-houses were closed till six +o’clock. Stillbrook said, “That’s all +right—<i>bona-fide</i> travellers.”</p> + +<p>We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of +the gate said: “Where from?” I replied: +“Holloway.” He immediately put up his arm, and +declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I +saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for +the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a +good laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: “Where +from?” When, to my surprise, in fact disgust, +Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were +immediately admitted.</p> + +<p>Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We +shan’t be a minute.” I waited for them the best +part of an hour. When they appeared they were all in most +excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to +apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very +rough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. +and B.’s.” I walked home in silence; I +couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all the +evening, but deemed it advisable <i>not</i> to say anything to +Carrie about the matter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.—After business, set +to work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote to Cummings +and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they were +ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at +“The Cow and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mind +not to write <i>yet</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.—Thought I would +write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about last +Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. +Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and +determined not to <i>write</i> at all, but to <i>speak</i> +quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letter +from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waiting +for an explanation of <i>my</i> (mind you, <span +class="smcap">my</span>) extraordinary conduct coming home on +Sunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was the +aggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling +yourself aggrieved—should bestow forgiveness on +me.” I have copied this <i>verbatim</i> in the diary, +because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful +sentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but in +my own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having been +insulted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.—Am in for a +cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. In +the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a +bottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke +with the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the front +door. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, so +went up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings. +Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the +side-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: +“I’ve just seen Gowing. All right. Say no +more about it.” There is no doubt they are both under +the impression I have apologised.</p> + +<p>While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: +“By-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? My +cousin Merton has just set up in the trade, and has a splendid +whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. It +is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” I +told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. +To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and +putting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of +newspaper, on the table in front of us, said: “Please, sir, +the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but +you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence +returned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any more +sherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as a +nut!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">A conversation with Mr. Merton on +Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. A +miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments with +enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and +Cummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, +with unexpected result.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.—Cummings called, +bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the wine +trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at +home at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him +immediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.</p> + +<p>He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me +as I am;” and I replied: “Yes—and you must take +us as we are. We’re homely people, we are not +swells.”</p> + +<p>He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing +roared with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly manner +said to Gowing: “I don’t think you quite understand +me. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostess +were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a +simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny +tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their +incomes.”</p> + +<p>I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of +Merton’s, and concluded that subject by saying: “No, +candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go into Society, because we +do not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here and +cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it +doesn’t seem worth the money.”</p> + +<p>Merton said in reference to <i>friends</i>: “My motto is +‘Few and True;’ and, by the way, I also apply that to +wine, ‘Little and Good.’” Gowing said: +“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old +man?” Merton, still continuing, said he should treat +me as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his +“Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend of +Gowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably under +what he paid for it.</p> + +<p>He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I +wanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his +name stood good for any theatre in London.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.—Carrie reminded me +that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James), +and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it would +look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line to +Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian +Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that +effect.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 21.—Got a reply from +Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at present +couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, +Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the +<i>Brown Bushes</i>, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed +seats for four; also bill for whisky.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James +(Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, and we left directly +after for the Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that took +us to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took us +to the “Angel.” Mr. James each time insisted on +paying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and that +was quite enough.</p> + +<p>We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our +’bus-load except an old woman with a basket seemed to be +going in. I walked ahead and presented the tickets. +The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr. Willowly! do +you know anything about these?” holding up my +tickets. The gentleman called to, came up and examined my +tickets, and said: “Who gave you these?” I +said, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of +course.” He said: “Merton? Who’s +he?” I answered, rather sharply: “You ought to +know, his name’s good at any theatre in +London.” He replied: “Oh! is it? Well, it +ain’t no good here. These tickets, which are not +dated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, which +has since changed hands.” While I was having some +very unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone upstairs +with the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I went +up after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, +please, box H.” I said to James: “Why, how on +earth did you manage it?” and to my horror he replied: +“Why, paid for it of course.”</p> + +<p>This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the +play, but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I was +leaning out of the box, when my tie—a little black bow +which fastened on to the stud by means of a new patent—fell +into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had his +foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He +then picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in +disgust. What with the box incident and the tie, I felt +quite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very good. +He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice it +with your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one +that I can see.” There was no occasion for that +remark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.</p> + +<p>To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the +rest of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of my +neck.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 24.—Could scarcely +sleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr. and Mrs. +James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and his +having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured, +and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter +to Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, +“Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our best +to appreciate the performance.” I thought this line +rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were +in appreciate, and she said, “One.” After I +sent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found there +were two. Awfully vexed at this.</p> + +<p>Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; +for, as Carrie wisely said, “We’ll make it all right +with them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week to +play at Bézique.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 25.—In consequence of +Brickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the new +Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I +bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through +tea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. I +called out Carrie, who said: “You’ve always got some +newfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit that the +flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the +servant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, +and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary +improvement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lower +classes in the matter of taste, our servant, Sarah, on seeing +them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said “she +thought they looked very well as they was before.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 26.—Got some more red +enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best colour), and +painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our <i>Shakspeare</i>, +the binding of which had almost worn out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.—Painted the bath +red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry to say Carrie +was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I +ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a +thing as a bath being painted red. I replied: +“It’s merely a matter of taste.”</p> + +<p>Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a +voice saying, “May I come in?” It was only +Cummings, who said, “Your maid opened the door, and asked +me to excuse her showing me in, as she was wringing out some +socks.” I was delighted to see him, and suggested we +should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment +said: “You can be the dummy.” Cummings (I +thought rather ill-naturedly) replied: “Funny as +usual.” He said he couldn’t stop, he only +called to leave me the <i>Bicycle News</i>, as he had done with +it.</p> + +<p>Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he +“must apologise for coming so often, and that one of these +days we must come round to <i>him</i>.” I said: +“A very extraordinary thing has struck me.” +“Something funny, as usual,” said Cummings. +“Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say so +this time. It’s concerning you both; for +doesn’t it seem odd that Gowing’s always coming and +Cummings’ always going?” Carrie, who had +evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of +laughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, +till it cracked beneath me. I think this was one of the +best jokes I have ever made.</p> + +<p>Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and +Gowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on their +faces. After rather an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had +opened a cigar-case, closed it up again and said: +“Yes—I think, after that, I <i>shall</i> be going, +and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.” +Gowing said he didn’t mind a joke when it wasn’t +rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly a +little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by +saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he +shouldn’t have entered the house again. This rather +unpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerful +evening. However, it was as well they went, for the +charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28.—At the office, the +new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very impudent to me a week +or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be my duty +to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt +apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I +was unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner +towards me, and told him I would look over his +unpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. I +received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hard +foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were +apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but +I would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by +accident or design. Went home early and bought some more +enamel paint—black this time—and spent the evening +touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots, +making them look as good as new. Also painted +Gowing’s walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it +look like ebony.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29, Sunday.—Woke up +with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold. +Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was +“painter’s colic,” and was the result of my +having spent the last few days with my nose over a +paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a great deal +better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got +a chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear +it. Bath ready—could scarcely bear it so hot. I +persevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. I +lay still for some time.</p> + +<p>On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I +experienced the greatest fright I ever received in the whole +course of my life; for imagine my horror on discovering my hand, +as I thought, full of blood. My first thought was that I +had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, and should be +discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I remember +seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My second thought was +to ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. +My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which +had dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of the +bath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I have +seen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not to +say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday and +paint the bath white.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">The ball at the Mansion House.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 30.—Perfectly astounded +at receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lord +and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet the +Representatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart +beat like that of a schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read +the invitation over two or three times. I could scarcely +eat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the +bottom of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud +man when I led you down the aisle of the church on our +wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, when +I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress at +the Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s +eyes, and she said: “Charlie dear, it is <i>I</i> who have +to be proud of you. And I am very, very proud of you. +You have called me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in your +eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome, +but you are <i>good</i>, which is far more noble.” I +gave her a kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be +any dancing? I have not danced with you for +years.”</p> + +<p>I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round +the waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind +of polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: “There is +a man, mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any good +coals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent the evening +in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion +House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called +we were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer +the Lord Mayor’s invitation.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 1.—Carrie said: “I +should like to send mother the invitation to look +at.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it. +I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, that +we had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said, +to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the Lord +Mayor’s secretary. I felt this rather discounted the +value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me, +he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was +too simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 2.—Sent my dress-coat and +trousers to the little tailor’s round the corner, to have +the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday, +as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to +Cummings.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. +James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for next +Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our +head clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, +I’m asked, but don’t think I shall go.” +When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation is +considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out, +the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because +Sarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them +away again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 4.—Carrie’s mother +returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was sent to her +to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port over +it. I was too angry to say anything.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 5.—Bought a pair of +lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white ties, in case +one got spoiled in the tying.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 6, Sunday.—A very dull +sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice thought of the +Mansion House reception to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 7.—A big red-letter day; +viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The whole house +upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie +wanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from +Sutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking it +unreasonable that she should require the entire attention of +Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out of the +house to fetch “something for missis,” and several +times I had, in my full evening-dress, to answer the +back-door.</p> + +<p>The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not +seeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into +my hands two cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I +indignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so annoyed that I +so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. He +went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would +not have happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a +piece of the cabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of a +heap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I +crawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking into the +chimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirt +smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at the +knee.</p> + +<p>However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I +changed in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster +on my chin, and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the +knee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept into the room, +looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, +or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of +sky-blue—my favourite colour—and a piece of lace, +which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give a +finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too long +behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it +was <i>à la mode</i>. Mrs. James was most kind, and +lent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which, +she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu +eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred the little +white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at +Shoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once.</p> + +<p>We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather +fortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, +who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I +must say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. +Perkupp, our principal.</p> + +<p>I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one +who did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, +and I shall never forget the grand sight. My humble pen can +never describe it. I was a little annoyed with Carrie, who +kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t know +anybody?”</p> + +<p>Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked +like Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she +seized me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: +“Don’t leave me,” which caused an elderly +gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two +ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd +in the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid +supper—any amount of champagne.</p> + +<p>Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for +I sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a +dish she did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat +much. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned, +and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our ironmonger. He +said, in the most familiar way: “This is better than +Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and +said coolly: “I never expected to see you +here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I +like that—if <i>you</i>, why not <i>me</i>?” I +replied: “Certainly,” I wish I could have thought of +something better to say. He said: “Can I get your +good lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thank +you,” for which I was pleased. I said, by way of +reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to paint the bath, +as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, +Mr. Pooter, no shop when we’re in company, +please.”</p> + +<p>Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full +Court costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an +old friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I +was astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaring +with laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs. +They kept telling each other they didn’t look a day +older. They began embracing each other and drinking +champagne.</p> + +<p>To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any +member of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, +when Farmerson seized me rather roughly by the collar, and +addressing the sheriff, said: “Let me introduce my +neighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say +“Mister.” The sheriff handed me a glass of +champagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour to +drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We stood +chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must +excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I +approached her, she said: “Don’t let me take you away +from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a +crowd, knowing nobody!”</p> + +<p>As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the +time nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: +“I hope my darling little wife will dance with me, if only +for the sake of saying we had danced at the Mansion House as +guests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding the dancing after +supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to +admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her +waist and we commenced a waltz.</p> + +<p>A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new +pair of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to take +Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the soles of them with +the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them. +I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped +away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with +such violence that for a second or two I did not know what had +happened. I needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with +equal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing her +elbow.</p> + +<p>There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked +when people found that we had really hurt ourselves. A +gentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myself +pretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floor +with no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping. The +gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on escorting +Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleased +to allow Carrie to accept.</p> + +<p>I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his +loud voice “Oh, are you the one who went down?”</p> + +<p>I answered with an indignant look.</p> + +<p>With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we +are too old for this game. We must leave these capers to +the youngsters. Come and have another glass, that is more +in our line.”</p> + +<p>Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we +followed the others into the supper-room.</p> + +<p>Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt +inclined to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmerson +said: “Are you going? if so, you might give me a +lift.”</p> + +<p>I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted +Carrie.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie +offended. Gowing also offended. A pleasant party at +the Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits +us.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 8.—I woke up with a most +terrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the back of my +neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first of +sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. +When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, +who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to get +leave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City, +and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems to have +made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters +worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me +sharply—that is, when she answered at all.</p> + +<p>In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: +“I do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster +mayonnaise at the Mansion House last night;” she simply +replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing: +“Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt +irritated, and said: “What nonsense you talk; I only had a +glass and a half, and you know as well as I +do—” Before I could complete the sentence she +bounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for her +to return; but as she did not, I determined I would go to +bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even +saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery +door and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about +this in the morning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 9.—Still a little shaky, +with black specks. The <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i> +contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House +Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though +Farmerson’s is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, +whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we had +ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to the +<i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>, pointing out their +omission.</p> + +<p>Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the +parlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said, +perfectly calmly and quietly: “Carrie, I wish a little +explanation of your conduct last night.”</p> + +<p>She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a +little explanation of your conduct the night before.”</p> + +<p>I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand +you.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely +in a condition to understand anything.”</p> + +<p>I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: +“Caroline!”</p> + +<p>She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect +on me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, Mister +Farmerson, the ironmonger.”</p> + +<p>I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have +never seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She +said: “Now <i>I’m</i> going to say something! +After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snub +<i>you</i>, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to +take a glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit +yourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, who +made a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on the +way home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress in +getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s +expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he +never even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without +having the decency to ask my permission. That is not +all! At the end of the journey, although he did not offer +you a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked him +in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from my +manner, that his company was not desirable.”</p> + +<p>Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make +matters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with +two hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, +with Carrie’s fur tippet (which he had taken off the +downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in a +loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the Lord +Mayor!” He marched twice round the room like a +buffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: “Hulloh! +what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”</p> + +<p>There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My +dear Gowing, I’m not very well, and not quite in the humour +for joking; especially when you enter the room without knocking, +an act which I fail to see the fun of.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my +stick, which I thought you would have sent round.” I +handed him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black with +the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at it +for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who did +this?”</p> + +<p>I said: “Eh, did what?”</p> + +<p>He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! +It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything I +have in the world! I’ll know who did it.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will +come off. I did it for the best.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a +confounded liberty; and I <i>would</i> add, you’re a bigger +fool than you look, only <i>that’s</i> absolutely +impossible.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 12.—Got a single copy of +the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i>. There was a short +list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had +mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. +Porter.” Most annoying! Wrote again and I took +particular care to write our name in capital letters, +<i>POOTER</i>, so that there should be no possible mistake this +time.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.—Absolutely disgusted +on opening the <i>Blackfriars Bi-weekly News</i> of to-day, to +find the following paragraph: “We have received two letters +from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the +important fact that they were at the Mansion House +Ball.” I tore up the paper and threw it in the +waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to bother +about such trifles.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 21.—The last week or ten +days terribly dull, Carrie being away at Mrs. James’s, at +Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is +still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without +asking him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 22.—Purchased a new stick +mounted with silver, which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tell +Carrie five shillings), and sent it round with nice note to +Gowing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 23.—Received strange note +from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit, my boy—I +thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. +Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s +stick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at +a tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged to you +for your handsome present all same.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 24.—Carrie back. +Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun has +caught her nose.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 25.—Carrie brought down +some of my shirts and advised me to take them to Trillip’s +round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are +much frayed.” I said without a moment’s +hesitation: “I’m <i>’frayed</i> they +are.” Lor! how we roared. I thought we should +never stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next the +driver going to town on the ’bus, I told him my joke about +the “frayed” shirts. I thought he would have +rolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit +too over it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26.—Left the shirts to be +repaired at Trillip’s. I said to him: +“I’m <i>’fraid</i> they are +<i>frayed</i>.” He said, without a smile: +“They’re bound to do that, sir.” Some +people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.—The last week has +been like old times, Carrie being back, and Gowing and Cummings +calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in the +garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of +children, and played “consequences.” It is a +good game.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> +2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Not +quite so successful as last night; Gowing having several times +overstepped the limits of good taste.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.—In the evening Carrie +and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ to spend a quiet +evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr. +Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings +sang five or six songs, “No, Sir,” and “The +Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble judgment; but +what pleased me most was the duet she sang with +Carrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called, +“I would that my love!” It was beautiful. +If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t think +professionals could have sung it better. After supper we +made them sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since +the walk that Sunday to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I +must say he sings comic-songs well. His song: “We +don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with +laughter, especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but +there was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so, +but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 6.—Trillip brought round +the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge for repairing was more +than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and he +impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when +they were new.” I paid him, and said it was a +robbery. He said: “If you wanted your shirt-fronts +made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing and +bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 7.—A dreadful +annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, and who +is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come +home to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he +would accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a +most friendly way, he would rather “peck” with us +than by himself. I said: “We had better get into this +blue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussing +for me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I lost +a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step in +here.”</p> + +<p>We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked +three times at the front door without getting an answer. I +saw Carrie, through the panels of ground-glass (with stars), +rushing upstairs. I told Mr. Franching to wait at the door +while I went round to the side. There I saw the +grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, +which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so +went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen +window. I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into the +drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changing +her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come +home. She replied: “How can you do such a +thing? You know it’s Sarah’s holiday, and +there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having +turned with the hot weather.”</p> + +<p>Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped +down, washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave +Franching our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the +butcher’s to get three chops.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 30.—The miserable cold +weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seem +to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and this +unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.</p> + +<p>This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking +about balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the +conversation drifted into family matters, during which Carrie, +without the slightest reason, referred in the most +uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary +trouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all +events, was a gentleman,” whereupon Carrie burst out +crying. I positively could not eat any breakfast.</p> + +<p>At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was +very sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays from +next Saturday. Franching called at office and asked me to +dine at his club, “The Constitutional.” Fearing +disagreeables at home after the “tiff” this morning, +I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine +and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle +for Carrie.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 31.—Carrie was very +pleased with the bangle, which I left with an affectionate note +on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. I +told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next +Saturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind, +except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that Miss +Jibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in +time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink +bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not +think of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, +when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold my +tongue.</p> + +<p>I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better +than ‘Good old Broadstairs.’” Carrie not +only, to my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, for +the first time; but begged me not to use the expression, +“Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and +other <i>gentlemen</i> of his type. Hearing my ’bus +pass the window, I was obliged to rush out of the house without +kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: “I leave it +to you to decide.” On returning in the evening, +Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided +on Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View +Terrace, for apartments.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 1.—Ordered a new pair +of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not to cut them so +loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also tight +at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that +objectionable youth at the office, call out +“Hornpipe” as I passed his desk. Carrie has +ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt, +which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the +evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to +her the <i>Exchange and Mart</i>. We had a good laugh over +my trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie saying it +looked so funny with my beard, and how the people would have +roared if I went on the stage like it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to +say we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs. +That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a +pair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks +wearing in the City, and hear are all the “go.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 3.—A beautiful +day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought a +parasol about five feet long. I told her it was +ridiculous. She said: “Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one +twice as long so;” the matter dropped. I bought a +capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t +know what it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in +India, only made of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured +handkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at Pope +Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told me +not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which +he always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. +Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming so +bright, the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: +“I have just let all my house to one party, and am sorry I +must take back my words, and am sorry you must find other +apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to +accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her +rooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie +Lupin Pooter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 4.—The first post +brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, acknowledging a +trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before yesterday +being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he +turned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way +from Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and as +Monday was a holiday he thought he would give us a little +surprise.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 5, Sunday.—We have not +seen Willie since last Christmas, and are pleased to notice what +a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely believe +he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger +brother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on +a Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church this +morning; but he said he was tired after yesterday’s +journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We +had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s +health.</p> + +<p>He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut +my first name, ‘William,’ and taken the second name +‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known at +Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to +‘Willie’ me there, they wouldn’t know what you +meant.”</p> + +<p>Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was +delighted, and began by giving a long history of the +Lupins. I ventured to say that I thought William a nice +simple name, and reminded him he was christened after his Uncle +William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in a +manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, +I know all about that—Good old Bill!” and helped +himself to a third glass of port.</p> + +<p>Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” +but she made no remark when Willie used the double +adjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which meant +more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happy +with your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied: +“Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank, +there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the +‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I +could say nothing, and my instinct told me there was something +wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 6, Bank Holiday.—As +there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o’clock, I +knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at half-past +eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that +he had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the +house all night, and then with the sun streaming in through the +window in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache. +Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up, +and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn’t want +anything to eat.</p> + +<p>Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, +and said we dined at two; he said he “would be +there.” He never came down till a quarter to +three. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you +will have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to +leave in an hour, unless you go by the midnight +mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor, +it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve +tendered my resignation at the Bank.”</p> + +<p>For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came +again, I said: “How dare you, sir? How dare you take +such a serious step without consulting me? Don’t +answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write a +note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply +apologising for your thoughtlessness.”</p> + +<p>Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: +“It’s no use. If you want the good old truth, +I’ve got the chuck!”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 7.—Mr. Perkupp has +given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, as we could not get +the room. This will give us an opportunity of trying to +find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition +of my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 11.—Although it is a +serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, still it is +satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank simply +because “he took no interest in his work, and always +arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can +all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart. +This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, which +have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager +of the Bank at Oldham.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 13.—Hurrah! at +Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station. +On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The +landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, +which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because +there happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wet +in the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excuse +for going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and read +a bit.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 14.—I was a little +annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last night, had gone to +a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly +Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were +unworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it +was only ‘for one night only.’ I had a fit of +the blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell, +England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was +proud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said: +“Do let the boy alone. He’s quite old enough to +take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a +gentleman. Remember, you were young once +yourself.” Rained all day hard, but Lupin would go +out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 15.—Cleared up a bit, +so we all took the train to Margate, and the first person we met +on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! I +thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham +friends?” He said: “Yes, but young Peter +Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came down +here. You know the Cummings’ are here +too?” Carrie said: “Oh, that will be +delightful! We must have some evenings together and have +games.”</p> + +<p>I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find +we have our dear boy at home!” Gowing said: +“How’s that? You don’t mean to say +he’s left the Bank?”</p> + +<p>I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of +those awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of +asking.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 16.—Lupin positively +refused to walk down the Parade with me because I was wearing my +new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’t know +what the boy is coming to.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 17.—Lupin not falling +in with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. It was a +relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, she +always sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh, +you’ve been on the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have +you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the ‘Liver +Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, +but I affected not to understand him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 18.—Gowing and +Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. It +being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel +and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact +disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back +to Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: +“I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a hundred +up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for +dinner.” I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does +not care to play with boys.” Gowing surprised me by +saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they +walked off together.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 19, Sunday.—I was +about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which he indulges in +violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked +out. Carrie then read <i>me</i> a long sermon on the +palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere +child. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening I +offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a few +whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try +one of mine,” and he handed me a cigar as long as it was +strong, which is saying a good deal.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 20.—I am glad our last +day at the seaside was fine, though clouded overhead. We +went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and as +it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual, +overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play +“Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. He sat on +a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation which +dear Carrie rightly declined.</p> + +<p>After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees +and Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge +of Carrie’s lap, then Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. +Cummings on her husband’s. We looked very ridiculous, +and laughed a good deal.</p> + +<p>Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great +Mogul?” We had to answer all together: +“Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowing +said: “So am I,” and suddenly got up. The +result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground, +and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the +fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this +we missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, +which cost me seven-and-sixpence.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Home again. Mrs. James’ influence +on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next-door +neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with +my diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us +with an announcement.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 22.—Home sweet Home +again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool mats to stand +vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are sorry +they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 23.—I bought a pair of +stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and coloured +brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, +and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. +Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 24.—Simply to please +Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as he is a little down, +Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and spend two or +three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but +mean to keep it as a surprise.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 25.—Mrs. James, of +Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her an enormous +bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James the +nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She +went into Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and +remained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupin +said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James’ +<i>visit</i>, but was surprised at <i>her</i>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 26, Sunday.—Nearly +late for church, Mrs. James having talked considerably about what +to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on very +well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some +trouble with our next-door neighbours who came in last +Wednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up in +dog-carts, have already made themselves objectionable.</p> + +<p>An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for +coolness, and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat +pockets (a habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, and +looking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsense +about “<i>I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoat +pocket</i>.” I fancied it was meant for me, and my +suspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in +my tall hat this afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker +was deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like a +percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw the +man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom +windows.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 27.—Carrie and Mrs. +James went off shopping, and had not returned when I came back +from the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation, +I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lot +of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s +and asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.</p> + +<p>Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of +the remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I +was to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and a +blanc-mange and custards. There was also a decanter of port +and some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made us +play rather a good game of cards, called +“Muggings.” To my surprise, in fact disgust, +Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said: +“Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shall +go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the +back-garden.”</p> + +<p>Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing +(who seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent +games. Lupin said: “Let’s play +‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all round +the room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. I +must confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a little +vexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which they +did not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered I +must have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassar +on one button of my coat-tails.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 28.—Found a large +brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from next +door. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for +Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">August</span> 29.—Mrs. James is +making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a new +dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” +was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She +also had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same +shape. Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I were +somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a single +subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have +no vacancy for Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 30.—I should very +much like to know who has wilfully torn the last five or six +weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! +Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the +record of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record I +take (with much pride) a great deal of pains.</p> + +<p>I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She +replied it was my own fault for leaving the diary about with a +charwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the house. I said that +was not an answer to my question. This retort of mine, +which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effective +had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily +placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.</p> + +<p>Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one +of a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our +wedding-day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s +cousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called to +Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had not +been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. +Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire +herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I +examined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So it +was evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire. I +requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">October</span> 31.—Received a letter +from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying that he thinks he knows +of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in a +measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I +am bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the +record of disappointing answers received from people to whom I +have applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell +called, and, in reply to me, said: “She never <i>see</i> no +book, much less take such a liberty as <i>touch</i> +it.”</p> + +<p>I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she +said she would do her best to help me; but she remembered the +sweep lighting the fire with a bit of the <i>Echo</i>. I +requested the sweep to be sent to me to-morrow. I wish +Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem to see +anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then +retired tired.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 1.—My entry +yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did not +notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so +worried just now, I might have had a little joke about it. +The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to the +hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step. +He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He said +Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, +for she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew +into a temper with the sweep, causing a row on the front +door-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything. +I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorry +to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps were +covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would +willingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 2.—I spent the +evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire. +We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “Is +Marriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our +case. In talking over our own happy experiences, we never +noticed that it was past midnight. We were startled by +hearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in. +He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or even +to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, +making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a +moment, and he begged to be excused, as he was “dead +beat,” an observation that was scarcely consistent with the +fact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positively +dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See me dance the +polka!” or some such nonsense.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 3.—Good news at +last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for Lupin, and he +is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is +relieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the good +news to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep +it over till the evening.</p> + +<p>He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur +Dramatic Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, +though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, and +got neuralgia in the head. He declined to have any +breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up a +special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we +filled our glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some +good and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured +you an appointment!” Lupin said: “Good +biz!” and we drained our glasses.</p> + +<p>Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have +some good and unexpected news for you.”</p> + +<p>I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for +she said: “I hope we shall think it good news.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! +<i>I’m engaged to be married</i>!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. +Lupin’s new berth. Fireworks at the +Cummings’. The “Holloway +Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with the charwoman. +Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to +Daisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 5, Sunday.—Carrie +and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to be +married without consulting us or anything. After dinner he +told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was +Daisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most +accomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the moment he +saw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and he +knew she would wait for him.</p> + +<p>Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a +different world to him now,—it was a world worth living +in. He lived with an object now, and that was to make Daisy +Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would guarantee she would not +disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst out +crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, upset +the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light +trousers.</p> + +<p>I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw +her, but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this +rather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the +sole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day. I +asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: “Oh, you +know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but +refrained from asking any further questions at present, for fear +of irritating Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 6.—Lupin went with +me to the office, and had a long conversation with Mr. Perkupp, +our principal, the result of which was that he accepted a +clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share +Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising +firm, and he did not think much of it. I replied: +“Beggars should not be choosers;” and I will do Lupin +the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.</p> + +<p>In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a +few fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it rather +dull. One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said: +“Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off +then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, +and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers +rather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to the little +Cummings’ boy to let off.</p> + +<p>Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of +abuse on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece +on a stake in the ground by way of a grand finale. He made +a great fuss about it; said it cost seven shillings. There +was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At last it +went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it +stopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send +it round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the +grass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house on +fire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will never +join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous waste +of time and money.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 7.—Lupin asked +Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs. +Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie, +and this led to an argument. However, the matter was +settled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, +and we must get some more printed, and when they were finished +would be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette of +calling.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 8.—I ordered some of +our cards at Black’s, the stationers. I ordered +twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long +time. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss +Mutlar’s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, and +Lupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club, +referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupin +whispered to us that if we could only “draw out” +Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.</p> + +<p>At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He +took up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune on +his cheek in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitation +of an old man with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The way +he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.</p> + +<p>In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, +and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us one +evening—his parents being rather old-fashioned, and not +going out much. Carrie said we would get up a little +special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, +and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded +Lupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of +taking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations. +He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie could +scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse, +and said “Good-night.”</p> + +<p>Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the +hall something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to +my disgust, although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat +and coat, and went out with his new companion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 9.—My endeavours to +discover who tore the sheets out of my diary still +fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see +little of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal +times. Cummings dropped in.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 10.—Lupin seems to +like his new berth—that’s a comfort. Daisy +Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie +almost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my +disgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in the +forthcoming performance of the “Holloway +Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the +farce, <i>Gone to my Uncle’s</i>; Frank Mutlar is going to +play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not in +the least degree interested in the matter, and totally +disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the +evening.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 11.—Returned home to +find the house in a most disgraceful uproar, Carrie, who appeared +very frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarah +was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman), who +had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voice +that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, +who had to work hard for her living, and she would smack +anyone’s face who put lies into her mouth.” +Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in. +He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, in +his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong +language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to +hear him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few +pages from a rotten diary that wouldn’t fetch +three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly: +“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am +master of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the +reins.”</p> + +<p>I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had +accused Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap +up some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of the +house last week. Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah’s +face, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as there +was “never no leavings to take.” I ordered +Sarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go +home. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs +in the air, and roaring with laughter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 12, Sunday.—Coming +home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and her +brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked home +together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them +in for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future +daughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a big +young woman, and I should think at least eight years older than +Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrie +asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother +to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be +too pleased.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 13.—Carrie sent out +invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. and Mrs. James (of +Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. +Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a +nice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I +said I feared we were not quite grand enough for him. +Carrie said there was “no offence in asking +him.” I said: “Certainly not,” and I +wrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a little +disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, but thought +she seemed a nice girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 14.—Everybody so far +has accepted for our quite grand little party for +to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall +keep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get +away, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was +busy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs and +jellies. She said she felt quite nervous about her +responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have some +light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and +ham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold +beef and a Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg +into if they liked.</p> + +<p>Gowing called to know if he was to put on +“swallow-tails” to-morrow. Carrie said he had +better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, and there +was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an +appearance.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not +worn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the +creases pressed out.”</p> + +<p>After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please +Daisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in +fact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked our +old friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress +like a green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not be +surprised if Daisy took him for one.</p> + +<p>I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to +tell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I +gave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to be +inveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older than +yourself. I advise you to think of earning your living +before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to +support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared +to be nothing but a loafer.”</p> + +<p>Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin +jumped up and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged +to, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darken +your doors again.”</p> + +<p>He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it +was all right. He came back to supper, and we played +Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Our first important Party. Old Friends +and New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but his +friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing. +Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and +complimentary. Party a great success.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 15.—A red-letter +day. Our first important party since we have been in this +house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted +on having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of +champagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupin +said he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out a +private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble in +his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and +Carrie truly said: “We need not be ashamed of its being +seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.”</p> + +<p>I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at +eight o’clock, and was much vexed to find my new +dress-trousers much too short.</p> + +<p>Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my +wearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.</p> + +<p>I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be +above that sort of thing.”</p> + +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was +above his boots.”</p> + +<p>This may be funny, or it may <i>not</i>; but I was gratified +to find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of my +studs. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she wore +at the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-room +was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over the +folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we had +removed the door from its hinges.</p> + +<p>Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him +strict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the +previous one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and +port wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with some +glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographs +look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arranged +some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.</p> + +<p>The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, +greeted me with: “Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too +short!”</p> + +<p>I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper +‘<i>short</i>’ also.”</p> + +<p>He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, +Juggins. You should get your missus to put a flounce on +them.”</p> + +<p>I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations +in my diary.</p> + +<p>The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former +said: “As you didn’t say anything about dress, I have +come ‘half dress.’” He had on a black +frock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, and +Mr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable +till his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.</p> + +<p>Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s +appearance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very low +in the neck. I do not think such a style modest. She +ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered her +shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg +and his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of +Lupin’s new friends, members of the “Holloway +Comedians.” Some of these seemed rather theatrical in +their manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, and +leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin +called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our +lead at the H.C.’s,” and was quite as good in that +department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant. +All this is Greek to me.</p> + +<p>We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s +side for a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called +“Some Day.” It seemed a pretty song, but she +made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I would +not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four +songs right off, one after the other.</p> + +<p>At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way +Gowing and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a +meal for a month. I told Carrie to keep something back in +case Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyed +me very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, and +drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and made +me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I +tried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took +it to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.</p> + +<p>We went upstairs, and the young fellows began +skylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once. +Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you done with +your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and +Frank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the +Holloways, where they were, and he said: “It’s a case +of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”</p> + +<p>We were directed to form a circle—which we did. +Watson then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing the +celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank and Lupin then +bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a +clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large +hearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he looked +it. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we were +all shrieking with laughter.</p> + +<p>I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing +half-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowing +it. I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him at +once. He would not come right into the room. I +apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it +seems amusing.” I could see he was not a bit +amused.</p> + +<p>Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a +wreck. There was not a glass of champagne left—not +even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, but +would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The last +syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty of +port wine left.” Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: +“No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I am +most pleased to see you and your husband in your own home. +Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, +I know.” I went with him to his carriage, and he +said: “Don’t trouble to come to the office till +twelve to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told +Carrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it +was a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on my +having some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt much +better, and we went into the drawing-room, where they had +commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which I +said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old +thing.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Reflections. I make another Good +Joke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up of the +“Blanc-Mange.” Lupin expresses his opinion of +Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 16.—Woke about +twenty times during the night, with terrible thirst. +Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that in +the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s party +was a failure, and that a lot of low people came without +invitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, +till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which we +had just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seems +absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I had +the same dream about a dozen times.</p> + +<p>Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never +agrees with you.” I told her I had only a couple of +glasses of it, having kept myself entirely to port. I added +that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had only +got it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand had +been entirely bought up by a West-End club.</p> + +<p>I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” +as the waiter called them. I said to Carrie: “I wish +I had put those ‘side dishes’ +<i>aside</i>.” I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, +packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the +party. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting for +the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, and +said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this +morning?” I told him he might just as well speak to +me in Dutch. He added: “When I woke this morning, my +head was as big as Baldwin’s balloon.” On the +spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have ever +said; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for the +para<i>shooting</i> pains.” We roared.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 17.—Still feel tired +and headachy! In the evening Gowing called, and was full of +praise about our party last Wednesday. He said everything +was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. +Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never +know how long it will last. For instance, he stopped to +supper, and seeing some <i>blanc-mange</i> on the table, shouted +out, while the servant was in the room: “Hulloh! The +remains of Wednesday?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 18.—Woke up quite +fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel quite myself +again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is +not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we +received this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We only +met her twice at Mrs. James’, and it means a present. +Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To my mind a +wedding’s a very poor play. There are only two parts +in it—the bride and bridegroom. The best man is only +a walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying father +and a snivelling mother, the rest are <i>supers</i> who have to +dress well and have to <i>pay</i> for their insignificant parts +in the shape of costly presents.” I did not care for +the theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though +disrespectful.</p> + +<p>I told Sarah not to bring up the <i>blanc-mange</i> again for +breakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table at +every meal since Wednesday. Cummings came round in the +evening, and congratulated us on the success of our party. +He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year; but +he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would have +turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game +of dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin +and Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join +us. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggested +a game of “Spoof.” On my asking if it required +counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two, +three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” It +was simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customs +of the “Holloway Comedians” to do this when a member +displays ignorance.</p> + +<p>In spite of my instructions, that <i>blanc-mange</i> was +brought up again for supper. To make matters worse, there +had been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dish +with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would have +some, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thank +you.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that +<i>blanc-mange</i> were placed on the table again I should walk +out of the house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 19, Sunday.—A +delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin was off to +spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in +the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage +of Lupin’s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems +happy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I must +confess seems an imprudent engagement.”</p> + +<p>Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and +agreed that it did not always follow that an early engagement +meant an unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we +married early, and, with the exception of a few trivial +misunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word. +I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the pleasures +of life were derived from the little struggles and small +privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s +married life. Such struggles were generally occasioned by +want of means, and often helped to make loving couples stand +together all the firmer.</p> + +<p>Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that +I was quite a philosopher.</p> + +<p>We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered +by Carrie’s little compliment. I don’t pretend +to be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I have +the power of expressing my thoughts with simplicity and +lucidness. About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupin +entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which +I must say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you any +brandy?” I said: “No; but here is some +whisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful +without water, to my horror.</p> + +<p>We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and +I rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope +Daisy is well?”</p> + +<p>Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up +from the “Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, +Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don’t know +whether she is well or not, but please <i>never to mention her +name again in my presence</i>.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We have a dose of Irving imitations. +Make the acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Don’t care for +him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 20.—Have seen +nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap +address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and +addresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out the +Mutlars of course.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 21.—Lupin turned up +for a few minutes in the evening. He asked for a drop of +brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was +theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My boy, I +have none, and I don’t think I should give it you if I +had.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I can +get some,” and walked out of the house. Carrie took +the boy’s part, and the rest of the evening was spent in a +disagreeable discussion, in which the words “Daisy” +and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 22.—Gowing and +Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin also came in, +bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the +“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the +other night, and who cracked our little round table. Happy +to say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversation +was almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton, +who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imagine +that he <i>was</i> the celebrated actor. I must say he gave +some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of +moving at supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr. +Fosselton, for our usual crust—pray do.” He +replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me +Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots +of Fosseltons, but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.”</p> + +<p>He began doing the Irving business all through supper. +He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on a +level with the table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table, +upset his wine, and flashed a knife uncomfortably near +Gowing’s face. After supper he kept stretching out +his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from +plays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the +fire-irons, making a hideous row—poor Carrie already having +a bad headache.</p> + +<p>When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come +to-morrow and bring my Irving make-up.” Gowing and +Cummings said they would like to see it and would come too. +I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at my +house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly +said: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy +Mutlar business.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 23.—In the evening, +Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later and +brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very +vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all +moustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either of +us, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to which +Padge said: “That’s right,” and that is about +all he <i>did</i> say during the entire evening. Lupin came +in and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit +of a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, +but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupin +retired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes, +announced “Mr. Henry Irving.”</p> + +<p>I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a +resemblance. It was astonishing. The only person who +did not appear interested was the man Padge, who had got the best +arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into the +fireplace. After some little time I said; “Why do +actors always wear their hair so long?” Carrie in a +moment said, “Mr. Hare doesn’t wear long +<i>hair</i>.” How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, +who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke, +Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogether +new.” Thinking this rather a snub, I said: “Mr. +Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me by +saying: “Mr. <i>Burwin</i>-Fosselton, if you please,” +which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him. +During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised the +conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came to +the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of +Irving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too +boisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing +by the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of +course, into Gowing’s neck and took a piece of flesh +out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who +having declined our modest supper in order that he should not +lose his comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of +laughter at the little misadventure. I was so annoyed at +the conduct of Padge, I said: “I suppose you would have +laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” to +which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and +laughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatest +surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said: +“Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like the +imitation, I’ll bring <i>the other make-up to-morrow +night</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 24.—I went to town +without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second time I +have done this during the last week. I must be losing my +memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I +would have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should +be out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who +would come all the same.</p> + +<p>Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a +little note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, +which rather amused me. He added that his neck was still +painful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never +turned up, and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padge +actually came again, and not even accompanied by Gowing. I +was exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is a +<i>surprise</i>.” Dear Carrie, fearing +unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has only +come to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge +said: “That’s right,” and took the best chair +again, from which he never moved the whole evening.</p> + +<p>My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an +expensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the +matter. The Irving imitations and conversations occupied +the whole evening, till I was sick of it. Once we had a +rather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings saying +that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not only +<i>like</i> Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as +<i>good</i> or even <i>better</i>. I ventured to remark +that after all it was but an imitation of an original.</p> + +<p>Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the +originals. I made what I considered a very clever remark: +“Without an original there can be no +imitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite +impertinently: “Don’t discuss me in my presence, if +you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk about +what you understand;” to which that cad Padge replied: +“That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved the +whole thing by suddenly saying: “I’ll be Ellen +Terry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a +bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the +disagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I very +pointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we +should be engaged to-morrow evening.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 25.—Had a long +letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s Irving +discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew +little or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least +interested in them and positively declined to be drawn into a +discussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to a +breach of friendship. I never wrote a more determined +letter.</p> + +<p>On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I +met near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a +leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she affected not to have +seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundress +sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs, +and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were +sent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather testily +replied: “I am tired of speaking to her; you had better go +and speak to her yourself. She is outside.” I +did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was +sent.</p> + +<p>Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude +enough to listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said: +“Don’t waste the odd sock, old man; do an act of +charity and give it to some poor man with only one +leg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. I +was disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning down +my collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt.</p> + +<p>When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his +idiotic joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with +laughter. I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. I +spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. Gowing said he had +met him only once before that evening. He had been +introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood” +a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some little +return. Upon my word, Gowing’s coolness surpasses all +belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowing +unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: +“Mind your own business, sir!” and bounced out of the +room, slamming the door. The remainder of the night was +Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar. Oh +dear!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">November</span> 26, Sunday.—The +curate preached a very good sermon to-day—very good +indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear +old vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much +more impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, of +which I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite a +grand lady, living in one of those large houses in the Camden +Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all +coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought +a good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so +often take round the plate, especially as she always occupies the +corner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, and +may have had something of the utmost importance to say, but +unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of wind +came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.</p> + +<p>I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in +recovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I found +Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I felt +I could not well approach her now, especially as my hat was +smothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed I +felt.</p> + +<p>In the evening (<i>Sunday</i> evening of all others) I found +an impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as +follows:</p> +<blockquote><p>“<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. +Pooter</span>,—Although your junior by perhaps some twenty +or thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought +to have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniature +of a planet—I feel it is just within the bounds of +possibility that the wheels of your life don’t travel so +quickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines. +The dandy horse of past days has been known to overtake the +<i>slow coach</i>.</p> + +<p>“Do I make myself understood?</p> + +<p>“Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise +you to accept the <i>verb. sap</i>. Acknowledge your +defeat, and take your whipping gracefully; for remember you threw +down the glove, and I cannot claim to be either mentally or +physically a <i>coward</i>!</p> + +<p>“<i>Revenons à nos moutons</i>.</p> + +<p>“Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY +ART—THE STAGE. Your life is devoted to commercial +pursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’ My books +are of different metal. Your life in the City is +honourable, I admit. <i>But how different</i>! Cannot +even you see the ocean between us? A channel that prevents +the meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah! +But <i>chaçun à son goût</i>.</p> + +<p>“I have registered a vow to mount the steps of +fame. I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we are +all weak), but <i>reach the top rung of the ladder I +will</i>!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, for I will +shout to the multitudes below: ‘<i>Vici</i>!’ +For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, +forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there an +enemy.</p> + +<p>“But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the +difference between the amateur and the professional?’</p> + +<p>“None!!!</p> + +<p>“Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is +<i>paid</i> for doing what the other does as skilfully for +<i>nothing</i>!</p> + +<p>“But I will be <i>paid</i>, too! For <i>I</i>, +contrary to the wishes of my family and friends, have at last +elected to adopt the stage as <i>my</i> profession. And +when the <i>farce</i> craze is over—and, <i>mark you</i>, +<i>that will be soon</i>—I will make my power known; for I +feel—pardon my apparent conceit—that there is no +living man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I <i>feel</i> +and <i>know</i> I can.</p> + +<p>“And <i>you</i> will be the first to come round and bend +your head in submission. There are many matters you may +understand, but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you an +<i>unknown quantity</i>.</p> + +<p>“Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. +<i>Vale</i>!</p> + +<p style="text-align: right">Yours truly,<br /> +“<span class="smcap">Burwin-Fosselton</span>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this +impertinent letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you +can see the true character of your friend.”</p> + +<p>Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed me +the letter before he sent it. I think he is right, and you +ought to apologise.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">A serious discussion concerning the use and +value of my diary. Lupin’s opinion of +’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is on +again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 17.—As I open my +scribbling diary I find the words “Oxford Michaelmas Term +ends.” Why this should induce me to indulge in +retrospective I don’t know, but it does. The last few +weeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking off +of the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a +different being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion. +She was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer her +up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she walked out of +the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. On +her return, I said: “Did my diary bore you, +darling?”</p> + +<p>She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t +listening, dear. I was obliged to leave to give +instructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuff +she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirts +have run and he says he won’t wear them.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s all +Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was not a single button on my +shirt yesterday, but <i>I</i> made no complaint.”</p> + +<p>Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men +do, and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you +wear buttons on the shirt-fronts.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were +none on.”</p> + +<p>Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in +the evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they +don’t get on well with Lupin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 18.—Yesterday I was +in a retrospective vein—to-day it is +<i>prospective</i>. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, +clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the Daisy +Mutlar business. He won’t say what is the cause of +the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, and +yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear a +word against her. So what is one to do? Another thing +which is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take no +interest whatever in my diary.</p> + +<p>I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I +said: “I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened to +me, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both; +to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accrue +from its being published.”</p> + +<p>Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was +sorry for this, I could see, for she said: “I did not mean +to be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diary +would sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by a +publisher.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as +interesting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that have +been published lately. Besides, it’s the diary that +makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if it +had not been for their diaries?”</p> + +<p>Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering +tone, said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., +we might get a fair price from a butterman for it.”</p> + +<p>As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year +will see the end of my diary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 19.—The annual +invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’s +mother—the usual family festive gathering to which we +always look forward. Lupin declined to go. I was +astounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupin +then obliged us with the following Radical speech: “I hate +a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? +Why someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was +here last year,’ and we all begin to snivel. Someone +else says: ‘It’s two years since poor Aunt Liz used +to sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivel +again. Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah! I +wonder whose turn it will be next?’ Then we all +snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and they +don’t discover until <i>I</i> get up that we have been +seated thirteen at dinner.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 20.—Went to +Smirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this year have +turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place to +the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who +seemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried +glance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one of +the young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be a +disease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcely +out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a large +pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, and +threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very +much annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said +to one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: +“Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can’t be +sold for a shilling now.” The result was, I felt it +my duty to buy some of these damaged cards.</p> + +<p>I had to buy more and pay more than intended. +Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I got home I +discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with two +babies, one black and the other white, and the words: “We +wish Pa a Merry Christmas.” I tore up the card and +threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going +out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that +we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 21.—To save the +postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of all +unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the +cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I +shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever +since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, +does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never to +rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I +asked him why. Lupin said: “Suppose your card is +marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a +3—and a long down-stroke after it—in <i>front</i> of +the ninepence, and people will think you have given five times +the price for it.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him +that behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: +“Ugh! it never shines on me.” I said: +“Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy +Mutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You ought +to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad +bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple +tastes.” He jumped up and said: “I won’t +allow one word to be uttered against her. She’s worth +the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated, +sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the room +with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 23.—I exchanged no +words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be in +exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where he +intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: “Oh, +most likely at the Mutlars’.”</p> + +<p>In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has +been broken off?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Who said it is off?”</p> + +<p>I said: “You have given us both to +understand—”</p> + +<p>He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I +said. <i>It is on again—there</i>!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">I receive an insulting Christmas card. +We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie’s +mother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A +boisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. I +receive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior, +respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 24.—I am a poor man, +but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the +insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never +insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of +the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my +friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently +disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot +think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. +Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I +disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the +offender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I +don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a +course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the +office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or +Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the +former.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Christmas Day</span>.—We caught the +10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day at +Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice +and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in +the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old +times. If everybody had a nice, <i>un</i>interfering +mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there +would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I +proposed her health, and I made, I think, a very good speech.</p> + +<p>I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion +like this—whether relatives, friends, or +acquaintances,—we are all inspired with good feelings +towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of +love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent +friends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily have +not fallen out, can kiss all the same.”</p> + +<p>I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and +must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear +old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most +cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on my +suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the +table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of +course one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered +when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who +had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly +with a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: “Hulloh! I +don’t see why I shouldn’t be on in this +scene.” Before one could realise what he was about to +do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.</p> + +<p>Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all +laughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very +uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently +referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: “Oh, +he’s not much more than a boy.” I said that he +had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: +“I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 26.—I did not sleep +very well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel a +little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the +year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. +Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and +added: “I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only +require a little more ‘oof’ to feel as fit as a +£500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given up +trying to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to +explain it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 27.—I told Lupin I +was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in to-morrow evening +for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to +stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: +“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and +Frank Mutlar to come.” I said I could not think of +doing such a thing. Lupin said: “Then I will send a +wire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that a +post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would +not be so extravagant.</p> + +<p>Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with +apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. +She said: “Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your +father’s friends? Is it because they are not good +enough for her, or (which is equally possible) <i>she</i> is not +good enough for them?” Lupin was dumbfounded, and +could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie a +kiss of approval.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 28—Lupin, on coming +down to breakfast, said to his mother: “I have not put off +Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings +this evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy for +this. Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let me +know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it +with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been +cut.” She further said she would make a few custards, +and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the +evening.</p> + +<p>Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he +really had any personal objection to either Gowing or +Cummings. He replied: “Not in the least. I +think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his +patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hat +company,’ and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. As +for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of +Gowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerant +photographer.”</p> + +<p>I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon +Lupin, with a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much +of a gentleman who made their coats.”</p> + +<p>We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very +agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when +she sang. At supper, however, she said: “Can you make +tee-to-tums with bread?” and she commenced rolling up +pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I +felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. +Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing +bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did +Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then +commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on +the forehead, and making me blink. I said: “Steady, +please; steady!” Frank jumped up and said: +“Tum, tum; then the band played.”</p> + +<p>I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and +continued the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the +parsley off the cold mutton, and threw it full in my face. +I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: “I say, it’s +no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of +parsley.” I rose from the table, and insisted that a +stop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar +shouted: “Time, gentlemen, please! time!” and turned +out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.</p> + +<p>I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received +a hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said +loudly: “Who did that?” There was no answer; so +I repeated the question, with the same result. I struck a +match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and +laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I +said to Carrie; “The person who sent me that insulting +post-card at Christmas was here to-night.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 29.—I had a most +vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling asleep, +dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I +heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent +me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one +who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would +have it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter +he had just received from Frank.</p> + +<p>I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the +writing. He did so, and I examined it by the side of the +envelope containing the Christmas card. I detected a +similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted +disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to +laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said +the card was never directed to me at all. It was “L. +Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked to +look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: +“Oh yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting +Christmas cards?” He replied: “Oh yes, and of +<i>sending</i> them, too.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very +much last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, +as an old friend, about the vicious punch last night. He +burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it was <i>your head</i>, +was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought +it was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in both +senses of the expression.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 30, Sunday.—Lupin +spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed rather +cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see +you so happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy +is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a +father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, +his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning +down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to +one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the +last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each +side of the fireplace, and his general +‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was compelled +to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: +“Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope you +won’t repent it.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">December</span> 31.—The last day of +the Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter from Mr. +Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a +long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the +important question, ‘Who is the master of my own +house? Myself, or <i>your son</i> Lupin?’ +Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have +been most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect +that I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, it has +become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again. +I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society of one of the +most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have ever had +the honour of being acquainted with.”</p> + +<p>I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I +said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.</p> + +<p>A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but +promised to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we +have always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not +returned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing +close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding on +whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like +brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing +to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come +in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small +wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I could +decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary +argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was +a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married +life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home +at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog—so he +said.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at +the office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormous +rise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and starts +a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinary +conduct of Gowing’s.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 1.—I had intended +concluding my diary last week; but a most important event has +happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the +fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s +diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the +point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a +message that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must +confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious +misgivings.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take +a seat, Mr. Pooter, I shall not be a moment.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll +stand.”</p> + +<p>I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting +quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at +last got up himself.</p> + +<p>I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”</p> + +<p>He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I +hope.” What a weight off my mind! My breath +seemed to come back again in an instant.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and +there will be some slight changes in the office. You have +been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your +conduct during that period, we intend making a special promotion +in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be +placed; but in any case there will be a considerable increase in +your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you +fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shall +hear more to-morrow.”</p> + +<p>He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time +or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to +him. I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful +news. With perfect simplicity she said: “At last we +shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, +which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and at +last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter +Robinson’s so cheap.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 2.—I was in a great +state of suspense all day at the office. I did not like to +worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned +yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it better, +perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on +entering, Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. +Pooter; do you want to see me?” I said: “No, +sir, I thought you wanted to see me!” +“Oh!” he replied, “I remember. Well, I am +very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 3.—Still in a state +of anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated by +ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at the +office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily +engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know +anything about <i>chalk pits</i>, Guv.?” I said: +“No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” +Lupin said: “Well, I give you the tip; <i>chalk pits</i> +are as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. at +par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They +may be six per cent. at <i>par</i>, but your <i>pa</i> has no +money to invest.” Carrie and I both roared with +laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the +joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: +“I give you the tip, that’s all—<i>chalk +pits</i>!” I said another funny thing: “Mind +you don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on a +supercilious smile, and said: “Bravo! Joe +Miller.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent +for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the +senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perkupp +added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would +be. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t +mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me +that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I +received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to +Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin +was riveted to the <i>Financial News</i>, as if he had been a +born capitalist, and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, +how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any day this +week?”</p> + +<p>Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old +Mutlar.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly +that he cannot stand you!”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to +<i>you</i>. I’ll find out if his father is still +alive, and I will write <i>him</i> a note complaining of +<i>his</i> son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son +is a blithering idiot!”</p> + +<p>I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the +presence of your mother.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other +expression one can apply to him. However, I’m +determined not to enter his place again.”</p> + +<p>I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the +house.”</p> + +<p>Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split +straws—it’s all the same. Daisy is a trump, and +will wait for me ten years, if necessary.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 5.—I can scarcely +write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary would be +raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to +realise it. I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it +might be £15 or even £20; but £100 surpasses +all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good +fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good +spirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s +for a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before, +“Jackson Frères.” It was opened at +supper, and I said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some +good news I have received to-day.” Lupin replied: +“Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; a +double event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a result +of twenty-one years’ industry and strict attention to the +interests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded with +promotion and a rise in salary of £100.”</p> + +<p>Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, +which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin +ordered us to “fill up” again, and addressing us +upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of Job +Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having +paid particular attention to the interests of my superiors in +office, my Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 +worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is, +to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin, +you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good +old truth; Job Cleanands <i>put me on to +Chlorates</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 21.—I am very much +concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I said: +“Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous +extravagance?” Lupin replied: “Well, one must +get to the City somehow. I’ve only hired it, and can +give it up any time I like.” I repeated my question: +“Are you justified in this extravagance?” He +replied: “Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, but +you’re a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays, +fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean +anything personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take +his tip, and stick to big things, I can make big +money!” I said I thought the very idea of speculation +most horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation, +it’s a dead cert.” I advised him, at all +events, not to continue the pony and cart; but he replied: +“I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make +£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is +ridiculously low—why, that is £1,250 a year. +What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?”</p> + +<p>I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I +should feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age +and responsible for his own debts. He answered: “My +dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never speculate +with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job +Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it +is pretty safe sailing.” I felt somewhat +relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise, +informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of +Lupin’s tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings round +next Saturday. Carrie and I said we should be +delighted.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 22.—I don’t +generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak to +Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently +contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the +breakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall +on the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered +very rudely: “Oh, you are always complaining.” +I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last +week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece +of yellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said: +“And you’re always grumbling about your +breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feel +perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a +hard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all +over the plate, and I have spoken to you at least fifty times +about it.” She began to cry and make a scene; but +fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for +leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we +were not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: +“As he has never asked any friends before, we are not +likely to forget it.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 23.—I asked Lupin to +try and change the hard brushes, he recently made me a present +of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I ought not +to brush my hair too much just now.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 24.—The new +chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carrie +arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each +side. It is an immense improvement to the room.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 25.—We had just +finished our tea, when who should come in but Cummings, who has +not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he +looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how +are you? You look a little blue.” He replied: +“Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: “Why, +what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh, +nothing, except that I have been on my back for a couple of +weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor nearly gave +me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even +taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or +dead.”</p> + +<p>I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I +have passed your house several nights, and presumed you had +company, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.”</p> + +<p>Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had +was my wife, the doctor, and the landlady—the last-named +having turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not see +it in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle +News</i>.”</p> + +<p>I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all +right now?”</p> + +<p>He replied: “That’s not the question. The +question is whether an illness does not enable you to discover +who are your <i>true</i> friends.”</p> + +<p>I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make +matters worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap +on the back, and said: “Hulloh! Have you seen a +ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving in +<i>Macbeth</i>.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, the +poor fellow has been very ill.” Gowing roared with +laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.” +Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not +that I suppose you care.”</p> + +<p>An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never +mind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to my place +to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for we’ll open a +bottle of wine.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span> 26.—An extraordinary +thing happened. Carrie and I went round to Gowing’s, +as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang +several times without getting an answer. At last the latch +was drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still being +up. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: +“Who is it? What do you want?” I said: +“Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said +(as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): +“I don’t think he is. Mr. Gowing is not at +home.” I said: “He will be in +directly.”</p> + +<p>With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and +me standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the +corner.</p> + +<p>Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then +discovered for the first time that the knocker had been newly +painted, and the paint had come off on my gloves—which +were, in consequence, completely spoiled.</p> + +<p>I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.</p> + +<p>The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and +began abusing me. He said: “What do you mean by +scratching the paint with your stick like that, spoiling the +varnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”</p> + +<p>He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. +Gowing, or any of his friends. This is <i>my</i> door, not +Mr. Gowing’s. There are people here besides Mr. +Gowing.”</p> + +<p>The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely +noticed it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalous +conduct of Gowing.</p> + +<p>At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings +was very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and +asked what the matter was.</p> + +<p>The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting +anyone. All he said was he had just received an invitation +to Croydon, and he should not be back till Monday evening. +He took his bag with him.”</p> + +<p>With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant +with Gowing’s conduct to say anything. Cummings +looked white with rage, and as he descended the steps struck his +stick violently on the ground and said: +“Scoundrel!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes +us for a drive, which we don’t enjoy. Lupin +introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 8.—It does seem hard +I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They are either +full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still +anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s +advice. However, Cummings has done the same.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 9.—Exactly a +fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor heard from +Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to +his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was +engaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. +I’ll back Carrie’s marking against +anybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, and +Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.</p> + +<p>He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the +collars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he +replied that he had not. I said I should not have believed +that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly +manner. Cummings said: “You are mild in your +description of him; I think he has acted like a cad.”</p> + +<p>The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, +and Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come +in?” I said: “Certainly.” Carrie +said very pointedly: “Well, you <i>are</i> a +stranger.” Gowing said: “Yes, I’ve been +on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” I +could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled +Gowing very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday +week. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: “Why, I +posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party +was ‘off, very much off.’” I said: +“I never got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, +said: “I suppose letters sometimes <i>miscarry</i>, +don’t they, <i>Mrs.</i> Carrie?” Cummings +sharply said: “This is not a time for joking. I had +no notice of the party being put off.” Gowing +replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in +a hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, +and we must meet again at my place.” I added that I +hoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrie +roared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 10, Sunday.—Contrary +to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her +for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quite +disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust +Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin +said: “Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t +mind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?”</p> + +<p>Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles +too large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in +considerably at the back. Lupin said: “Haven’t +you seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive in +anything else.”</p> + +<p>He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never +drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When +we passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything and +everybody. He shouted to respectable people who were +walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at +the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, +as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of +roughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned +and followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse +jokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting us +with orange-peel.</p> + +<p>Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have +to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the +Derby—was of little consolation to either Carrie or +myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin went +out with him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 11.—Feeling a little +concerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr. +Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been most kind to +me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s +adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no +necessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be +impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out +erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon get +older. I wish we could find room for him in this +firm.” The advice of this good man takes loads off my +mind. In the evening Lupin came in.</p> + +<p>After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I +have some news, which I fear will affect you +considerably.” I felt a qualm come over me, and said +nothing. Lupin then said: “It may distress +you—in fact, I’m sure it will—but this +afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.” +It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a +bottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing +with him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which +he fastened against the wall. He then produced several +separate tails, and we spent the remainder of the evening trying +blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sides +positively ached with laughter when I went to bed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 12.—In the evening I +spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. I +asked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; she +promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not +communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in +fact, he said he might call again this evening.” +Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friend +waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite a +swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.</p> + +<p>He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. +Murray Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a +very nervous disposition, as he subsequently confessed he would +never go in a hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler until +the driver had first got on the box with his reins in his +hands.</p> + +<p>On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, +said: “Any relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling +hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but +please understand I don’t try on hats myself. I take +no <i>active</i> part in the business.” I replied: +“I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Posh +seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of +the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap +hats.</p> + +<p>Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from +the way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, +laughingly: “If you don’t look out, Posh will cut you +out!” When they had all gone, I referred to this +flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “A +man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who +would be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have +a contempt for himself. I know Daisy. She +<i>would</i> wait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, if +necessary, <i>she would wait twenty years for me</i>.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to +investment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to Daisy +Mutlar.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 18.—Carrie has +several times recently called attention to the thinness of my +hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seen +to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a +small hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge +of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and +smashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she is +rather absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, my +large photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, and +the glass cracked.</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is +about to happen.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Nonsense, dear.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little +agitated. I said: “What’s up, my +boy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said: +“You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to +invest £20 in?” I replied: “Yes, they are +all right, I trust?” He replied: “Well, +no! To the surprise of everybody, they have utterly +collapsed.”</p> + +<p>My breath was so completely taken away, I could say +nothing. Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did I +tell you?” Lupin, after a while, said: +“However, you are specially fortunate. I received an +early tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to +get £2 for them. So you get something after +all.”</p> + +<p>I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so +sanguine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get six +or eight times the amount of my investment; still a profit of +£2 is a good percentage for such a short time.” +Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t +understand. I sold your £20 shares for £2; you +therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings and +Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 19.—Lupin, before +going to town, said: “I am very sorry about those +Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job +Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must +not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job +Cleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes me +several people <i>do</i> want to see him very +particularly.”</p> + +<p>In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to +avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former +entered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of +saying, “May I come in?”</p> + +<p>He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to +be in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I +broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own +accord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka Chlorates +have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master +Lupin. How much do you lose?” Lupin, to my +utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I had nothing in +them. There was some informality in my application—I +forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get +any. The Guv. loses £18.” I said: +“I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have +induced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well, +it can’t be helped; you must go double on the next +tip.” Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well, +I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not +quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my +£15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I +had.”</p> + +<p>Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, +said: “Alas, poor Cummings. He’ll lose +£35.” At that moment there was a ring at the +bell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet +Cummings.” If he had gone out of the door he would +have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin +opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up +suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him +either!” and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin +out of the window.</p> + +<p>For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one +of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a +couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very +upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and +Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he +replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little +“Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most +healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah +round to Lockwood’s for some.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span> 20.—The first thing +that caught my eye on opening the <i>Standard</i> +was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! +Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!” I handed it to Carrie, +and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’s +good. I never did think it a suitable situation for +him.” I thought the whole affair very shocking.</p> + +<p>Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully +distressed, I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and +feel very sorry for you.” Lupin said: “How did +you know? who told you?” I handed him the +<i>Standard</i>. He threw the paper down, and said: +“Oh I don’t care a button for that! I expected +that, but I did not expect this.” He then read a +letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that +Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I +exclaimed, “Murray Posh! Is not that the very man +Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday +week?” Lupin said: “Yes; the +‘<i>Posh’s-three-shilling-hats</i>’ +chap.”</p> + +<p>We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.</p> + +<p>In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too +worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If +I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.</p> + +<p>When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over +his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: +“Oh! only a little consolation—still it is a +consolation. I have just remembered that, by <i>my</i> +advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka +Chlorates!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray +Posh. The dream of my life realised. Mr. Perkupp +takes Lupin into the office.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 20.—To-day being the +day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married, +Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend. +Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declares +that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so +many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about +it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all +over the house some nonsense about “What’s the matter +with Gladstone? He’s all right! What’s +the matter with Lupin? He’s all right!” +<i>I</i> don’t think either of them is. In the +evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was +Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: “I was +glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a +fool of Lupin.” Gowing, with his usual good taste, +said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without +any assistance.” Carrie very properly resented this, +and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">March</span> 21.—To-day I shall +conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days of my +life. My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact, +of many years—has been realised. This morning came a +letter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the +office with me. I went to Lupin’s room; poor fellow, +he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had +come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the +day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to +neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. +Perkupp’s letter, and he got up as quickly as +possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured +clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or +quiet-looking.</p> + +<p>Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all +she could keep on saying was: “Oh, I <i>do</i> hope it will +be all right.” For myself, I could scarcely eat any +breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a +perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. +Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice, +Lupin.” Lupin replied: “Yes, it’s a good +make-up, isn’t it? A +regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.” +He laughed rather ironically.</p> + +<p>In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to +Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, +and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall +hat. I said: “Lupin, my boy, what are you +doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be +glad to have it.” Lupin replied: “I would not +insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.”</p> + +<p>When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and +saw inside “Posh’s Patent.” Poor +Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we +reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was +with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, +crestfallen in appearance. I said: “Well, Lupin, how +about Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song: +“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all +right!” I felt instinctively my boy was +engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not +speak. He said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what is +it?” I must have looked a fool, for all I could say +was: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” He +looked at me for a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, +<i>you</i> are the good man; and we’ll see if we cannot get +your son to follow such an excellent example.” I +said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any +more to-day.”</p> + +<p>My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his +head. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from +crying in the ’bus; in fact, I should have done so, had my +thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a quarrel +with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of taking up +too much room.</p> + +<p>In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings +and his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the +fire, and in a bottle of “Jackson Frères,” +which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s +health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the +future. My boy in the same office as myself—we can go +down together by the ’bus, come home together, and who +knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in our +little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or a +nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. +In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the +flowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots. +(By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.) All this +I thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughts +beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell +asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dear +Carrie, and myself.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go +to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensive +supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd +invitation to Southend.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 8.—No events of any +importance, except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patent +stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which was +simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has caused +me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink +oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the +office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to +jerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: +“Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. +Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious glee +in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon, it is +Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the +morning.” To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing +behind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. I +took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take +it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full price +returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he +could not do that—buying and selling were two different +things. Lupin’s conduct during the period he has been +in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most exemplary. My +only fear is, it is too good to last.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 9.—Gowing called, +bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself to a ball +given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would be +a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime) +had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, +and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for +trying a bottle of the sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of +Sutton) had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine, +observing that he had never tasted it before, and further +remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised +brands. I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and +one mustn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing +facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like putting it +in the mouth either.”</p> + +<p>I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on +tasting it myself, came to the conclusion there was some +justification for them. The sparkling Algéra is very +like cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps the +thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: +“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a very +pleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrie +lost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how he +could have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the only +other players, remains a mystery.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 14, Sunday.—Owing, I +presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that my +skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walking +round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our +congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to +find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, +evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who, +whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside their +conservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, and +imitating birds.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 15.—Burnt my tongue +most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through that stupid girl +Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the +table.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 16.—The night of the +East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put on the +same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion House, +for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. +Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery +Company, would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his +usual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it +was a “bounders’ ball.” I didn’t +ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand. +Where he gets these expressions from I don’t know; he +certainly doesn’t learn them at home.</p> + +<p>The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we +arrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being +“unfashionable,” as Mrs. James says. It was +very difficult to find—the cabman having to get down +several times to inquire at different public-houses where the +Drill Hall was. I wonder at people living in such +out-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it. +However, after going up and down a good many badly-lighted +streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it was +so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who +only grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and +was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a +ball to take a ’bus.</p> + +<p>Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but +that it was better late than never. He seemed a very +good-looking gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, “rather +short for an officer.” He begged to be excused for +leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we should +make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked +round the rooms two or three times and watched the people +dancing. I couldn’t find a single person I knew, but +attributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we were +entering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder, +followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr. +Padge, I believe;” he replied, “That’s +right.”</p> + +<p>I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made +herself at home with Carrie at once.</p> + +<p>There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of +champagne, claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be +done regardless of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I +admit, I have no particular liking for, but I felt so glad to +come across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit at our table, +and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in +uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the +back. It was the only supper-room that I have been in that +was not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, +everybody being so busy dancing.</p> + +<p>I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said +her name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed +the bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must +look after yourself.” He replied: “That’s +right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank +Carrie’s health, coupled, as he said, “with her +worthy lord and master.” We all had some splendid +pigeon pie, and ices to follow.</p> + +<p>The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like +some more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. +Padge, also some people who had just come from the dancing-room, +who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time that +perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the City, as they were +so polite. I made myself useful, and assisted several +ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is +nothing lost by civility.”</p> + +<p>The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the +ball-room. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious +to see the dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper, +Mr. Padge offered his arms to them and escorted them to the +ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge: +“It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. +Padge replied: “That’s right.”</p> + +<p>When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the +waiter who had been attending on us arrested my attention by +tapping me on the shoulder. I thought it unusual for a +waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave a +shilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilingly +replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” +alluding to the shilling. “Your party’s had +four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles of +champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigar +for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”</p> + +<p>I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and +had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a +private invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectly +well aware of that; but that the invitation didn’t include +eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing at +the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured me +it was quite correct.</p> + +<p>The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any +misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there +was nothing to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my +pockets, I just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nine +shillings; but the manager, on my giving my card to him, said: +“That’s all right.”</p> + +<p>I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, +and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it +would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was +enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that +evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. +Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. +Lupkin, as we were wishing her “Good-night,” asked +Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? On +my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, she +very kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and +stay at our place?” As her invitation was so +pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised we +would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till +Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, +giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.</p> + +<p>When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that +the roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great +difficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. +After waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as far +as “The Angel,” at Islington, and we could easily get +another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rain +was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of +the cab.</p> + +<p>When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed +tired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and when +I came to pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money, +nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman how we were +situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; +the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, +called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively +seized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears came into +my eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who witnessed +the assault) for not taking the man in charge. The +policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no +assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without +money.</p> + +<p>We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and +when I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, +word for word, as I intend writing to the <i>Telegraph</i> for +the purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by men +under Government control, to prevent civilians being subjected to +the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 17.—No water in our +cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he would soon +remedy that, the cistern being zinc.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 18.—Water all right +again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, called in the +afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the +drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all +over it, as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. +It was Mrs. James’ suggestion, and of course Carrie always +does what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred the +mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a plain man, and +don’t pretend to be in the fashion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 19.—Our next-door +neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather offensive tone +accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his +cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which +adjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, and send +us in the bill.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 20.—Cummings called, +hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been on his back for a +week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door, +which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown +to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got +between the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the +door hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in his +hands, and he fell backwards downstairs.</p> + +<p>On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and +rushed out of the room sideways. Cummings looked very +indignant, and remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly +breaking his back; and though I had my suspicions that Lupin was +laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the +door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was the +second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to +inquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummings +said: “It was mentioned in the <i>Bicycle +News</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 22.—I have of late +frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with an +instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she replied: +“Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’s +all the fashion now.” I said: “I suppose Mrs. +James introduced that into your head.” Carrie +laughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it +now.”</p> + +<p>I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. +Whenever she does she always introduces some new-fandangled +rubbish into Carrie’s head. One of these days I feel +sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure it +was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark +slate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 23.—Received a letter +from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by on +Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay with +her. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at +our house; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay at +the Royal, and the view is every bit as good.” +Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found it +was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”</p> + +<p>I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her +kind invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, +and to the point.</p> + +<p>By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at +night. I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at +Edwards’, and chose the pattern by gaslight, and they +seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with white stripes +down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I +found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of +green with bright yellow-coloured stripes.</p> + +<p>I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie +giggling. She said: “What mixture did you say you +asked for?”</p> + +<p>I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you +want to know the truth.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old +schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner at his +uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part +respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. A discussion on +dreams.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 27.—Kept a little later +than usual at the office, and as I was hurrying along a man +stopped me, saying: “Hulloh! That’s a face I +know.” I replied politely: “Very likely; lots +of people know me, although I may not know them.” He +replied: “But you know me—Teddy +Finsworth.” So it was. He was at the same +school with me. I had not seen him for years and +years. No wonder I did not know him! At school he was +at least a head taller than I was; now I am at least a head +taller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey. +He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do), +and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he was Deputy +Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of +London—in fact, higher. He added that he was staying +for a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul +Finsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was sure +his uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nice +house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk from Muswell +Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.</p> + +<p>In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice +letter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would +dine with them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would +be delighted. Carrie did not like to go; but Teddy +Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sent +Sarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-leg +of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 28, Sunday.—We found +Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, and only arrived as +the clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable. +To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward to +receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, +covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the first +time, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dog +off and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room, +which was beautifully decorated. It was full of +knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. There +were several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; +also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul +Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s.</p> + +<p>Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking +elderly gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There +were a great many water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly +different views of India, which were very bright. Mr. +Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” and +added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been +informed on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of +pounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece for +them, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood.</p> + +<p>There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done +in coloured crayons. It looked like a religious +subject. I was very much struck with the lace collar, it +looked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that there +was something about the expression of the face that was not quite +pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth +sorrowfully replied: “Yes, the face was done after +death—my wife’s sister.”</p> + +<p>I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a +whisper said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both +stood looking at the picture for a few minutes in silence, when +Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said: “She was +sitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his nose +violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at +something else and stood in front of a portrait of a +jolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and straw +hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who is this +jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn’t seem to +trouble him much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it +doesn’t. <i>He is dead too</i>—my +brother.”</p> + +<p>I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. +Fortunately at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, +who had taken her upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush her +skirt. Teddy said: “Short is late,” but at that +moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced to +him by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. +Short?” I replied, smiling, that I had not that +pleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr. +<i>Short</i>. He evidently did not see my little joke, +although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I +suddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps +<i>very particular</i>. In this I was mistaken, for he was +not at all particular in several of his remarks after +dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observations +that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I +feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little +embarrassing. To my surprise she said: “Oh! he is +privileged you know.” I did not know as a matter of +fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. +Short should be privileged.</p> + +<p>Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie +dog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the +dining-room table. It kept growling and snapping at my +boots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, I +spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and she remarked: +“It is only his play.” She jumped up and let in +a frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been +scratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take a +fancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had licked +off every bit of blacking from them. I was positively +ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I must +say, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we +are used to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question +whether it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. It +made me feel a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducing +Mr. Short to become “privileged” to rather an +alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a +fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy +and I waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had +the effect of sending all the others to sleep. I was +delighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did have +that effect on him.</p> + +<p>We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for +the fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my +boots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went to +church in the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. I +will not take port on the top of beer again.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span> 29.—I am getting quite +accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being sat +upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of right +to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife, +son, and both my guests.</p> + +<p>Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I +suddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights +ago, and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt I +saw some huge blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behind +them. I walked into the shop and the heat was +overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on +fire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I +woke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a most +contemptuous manner, said: “What utter rot.”</p> + +<p>Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so +completely uninteresting as other people’s dreams.</p> + +<p>I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with +the others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: +“It seemed so real to me.” Gowing replied: +“Yes, to <i>you</i> perhaps, but not to +<i>us</i>.” Whereupon they all roared.</p> + +<p>Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me +his stupid dreams every morning nearly.” I replied: +“Very well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you or +anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I +live.” Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” and +helped himself to another glass of beer. The subject was +fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting article +on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XX</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. +Hardfur Huttle.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 10.—Received a letter +from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to dine with him +to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a +very clever writer for the American papers. Franching +apologised for the short notice; but said he had at the last +moment been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us as +old friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrie +rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her that +Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not +afford to offend him. “And we are sure to get a good +dinner and a good glass of champagne.” “Which +never agrees with you!” Carrie replied, sharply. I +regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr. +Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing +about dress in the letter, I wired back: “With +pleasure. Is it full dress?” and by leaving out our +name, just got the message within the sixpence.</p> + +<p>Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a +telegram instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me +at Franching’s house; but she would not do so, so I had to +go home to fetch her. What a long journey it is from +Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long way +off? Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty of +time—in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to +seven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone up +to dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven; +he must have dressed very quickly.</p> + +<p>I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we +did not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite +swells. Franching had got a professional waiter, and +evidently spared no expense. There were flowers on the +table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must say, was +exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty of +champagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, never +wished to taste better. We were ten in number, and a +<i>menû</i> card to each. One lady said she always +preserved the <i>menû</i> and got the guests to write their +names on the back.</p> + +<p>We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was +of course the important guest.</p> + +<p>The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur +Huttle, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. +Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and +Mrs. Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he had no +lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that I +preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very +uncomplimentary observation to make.</p> + +<p>I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a +well-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not much +matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all the talking. He is a +marvellously intellectual man and says things which from other +people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could +remember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I +made a few little reminding notes on the <i>menû</i> +card.</p> + +<p>One observation struck me as being absolutely +powerful—though not to my way of thinking of course. +Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are certainly unorthodox, +Mr. Huttle.” Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar expression +(I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs. +Purdick, ‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implying +sticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had been +orthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of America +nor the steam-engine.” There was quite a +silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was +absolutely dangerous, and yet I felt—in fact we must all +have felt—there was no answer to the argument. A +little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sister +and also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle +said: “Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company so +soon? Why not wait while we have our cigars?”</p> + +<p>The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) +were in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s +fascinating society, and immediately resumed their seats, amid +much laughter and a little chaff. Mr. Huttle said: +“Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not be +insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” Mrs. +Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: +“Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way—that is, till +you get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events, +will be the happy medium.”</p> + +<p>I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy +medium,” had upon him. He was brilliant and most +daring in his interpretation of the words. He positively +alarmed me. He said something like the following: +“Happy medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happy +medium’ are two words which mean ‘miserable +mediocrity’? I say, go first class or third; marry a +duchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means +respectability, and respectability means insipidness. Does +it not, Mr. Pooter?”</p> + +<p>I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I +could only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not +competent to offer an opinion. Carrie was about to say +something; but she was interrupted, for which I was rather +pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to be +extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.</p> + +<p>He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his +unwelcome opinions positively convincing: “The happy medium +is nothing more or less than a vulgar half-measure. A man +who loves champagne and, finding a pint too little, fears to face +a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial pint, will never +build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is +half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in +fact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in a +suburban villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling a +four-post bedstead.”</p> + +<p>We all laughed.</p> + +<p>“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, +“belongs to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head, +with a made tie that hooks on.”</p> + +<p>This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking +in the glass of the cheffonière; for <i>I</i> had on a tie +that hooked on—and why not? If these remarks were not +personal they were rather careless, and so were some of his +subsequent observations, which must have made both Mr. Franching +and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don’t think +Mr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We +don’t know that class here in this country: but we do in +America, and I’ve no use for them.”</p> + +<p>Franching several times suggested that the wine should be +passed round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but +continued as if he were giving a lecture:</p> + +<p>“What we want in America is your homes. We live on +wheels. Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, +are charming. No display, no pretension! You make no +difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down by +yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal +attendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your +head.”</p> + +<p>I saw Franching palpably wince at this.</p> + +<p>Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few +good things, such as you have this evening. You +don’t insult your guests by sending to the grocer for +champagne at six shillings a bottle.”</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of “Jackson +Frères” at three-and-six!</p> + +<p>“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little +less than a murderer who does. That is the province of the +milksop, who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with his +wife. I’ve heard of these people. We +don’t want them at this table. Our party is well +selected. We’ve no use for deaf old women, who cannot +follow intellectual conversation.”</p> + +<p>All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being +deaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smiling +approval.</p> + +<p>“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s +table,” said Mr. Huttle, “of the unenlightened +frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance at Bayswater +and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; +it has no use for her.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was +afforded for the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching +quietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train, +which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie having +mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when we go +out.</p> + +<p>It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering +the sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. +Hardfur Huttle?” She simply answered: “How like +Lupin!” The same idea occurred to me in the +train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. +Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential man; but +he <i>was</i> like Lupin, and it made me think how dangerous +Lupin would be if he were older and more influential. I +feel proud to think Lupin <i>does</i> resemble Mr. Huttle in some +ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes +wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so +dangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremely +poor. They make or break men. I always feel people +are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I +believe <i>I</i> am happy because I am not ambitious. +Somehow I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, +has become content to settle down and follow the footsteps of his +father. This is a comfort.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXI</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Lupin is discharged. We are in great +trouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsome +salary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 13.—A terrible misfortune +has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. Perkupp’s +office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I +was away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent +through illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned +by some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would +have it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to +the office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupin +not only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended him +the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own +humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, +this seems an act of treachery.</p> + +<p>This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me +that Lupin’s services are no longer required, and an +interview with me is desired at eleven o’clock. I +went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading an +interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a +word. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had +not got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said I +should do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so at +the office that I could not do my work properly.</p> + +<p>As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the +following conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This +is a very serious business. I am not referring so much to +the dismissal of your son, for I knew we should have to part +sooner or later. <i>I</i> am the head of this old, +influential, and much-respected firm; and when <i>I</i> consider +the time has come to revolutionise the business, <i>I</i> will do +it myself.”</p> + +<p>I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: +“I hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way +countenanced my son’s unwarrantable +interference?” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and +took my hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soon +suspect myself as suspect you.” I was so agitated +that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly called +him a “grand old man.”</p> + +<p>Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a +“grand old master.” I was so unaccountable for +my actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Of +course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which I +was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: +“You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing +nature of our firm will not admit of our bending to +anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work into +other hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is +not for us to bend and beg back his custom.” +“You <i>shall</i> not do it, sir,” I said with +indignation. “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp; +“I shall <i>not</i> do it. But I was thinking this, +Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, and I +will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond +ourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him, +especially in these times, which are not of the brightest. +Now, I fancy you can be of service.”</p> + +<p>I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to +serve you!”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what I +should like you to do is this. You yourself might write to +Mr. Crowbillon—you must not, of course, lead him to suppose +I know anything about your doing so—and explain to him that +your son was only taken on as a clerk—quite an +inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm had +for you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I +don’t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms of +your own son’s conduct; but I may add, that had he been a +son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with no +measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the +result will be that Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the +foolish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer in +dignity nor in pocket.”</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp +is. His manners and his way of speaking seem to almost +thrill one with respect.</p> + +<p>I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send +it?”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not. +I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have every +confidence in you. You must write the letter +carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take the +morning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be +here myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. +Crowbillon should call.”</p> + +<p>I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah +that I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact +anybody, if they called in the evening. Lupin came into the +parlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion of +it. I said I was not in the mood to judge of hats, and I +did not think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupin +replied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was a +present.”</p> + +<p>I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely +like to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, +however, saved me the trouble.</p> + +<p>He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not +quite think a friend at the time; but it’s all right. +As he wisely said, ‘all is fair in love and war,’ and +there was no reason why we should not be friends still. +He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very +different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.”</p> + +<p>I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to +injury.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat, +I have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a +stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his own +account. I simply recommended the new firm as a matter of +biz—good old biz!”</p> + +<p>I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, +and at my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my +boy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please you, +<i>try</i> and be interested in your new hat +adventure.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, +except I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he said +he was very pleased to see me, and hoped we should be +friends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and he +stood me a new hat—one of his own.”</p> + +<p>I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your +old friend’s name?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t +I? Well, I will. It was <i>Murray +Posh</i>.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 14.—Lupin came down late, +and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the reason of +it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothing +to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the +question.</p> + +<p>Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh +in the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with +a berth. Lupin went out laughing, saying: “I +don’t mind <i>wearing</i> Posh’s one-priced hats, but +I am not going to <i>sell</i> them.” Poor boy, I fear +he is perfectly hopeless.</p> + +<p>It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. +Crowbillon. Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; +and although it seems ungrateful, her suggestions were none of +them to the point, while one or two were absolutely +idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the +letter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to +see, but he again repeated that he could trust me.</p> + +<p>Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him +about Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite +inclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she +thought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it. +Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had been +given him, which he said would get rid of the blues. I dare +say it would have done so if there had been more of it; but as +Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for +Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 15.—A day of great +anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from Mr. +Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one for +me, with “Crowbillon Hall” printed in large +gold-and-red letters on the back of the envelope; the other for +Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had +“Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was the +recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr. +Crowbillon’s letter. I wrote him sixteen pages, +closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.</p> + +<p>His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with +you. Your son, in the course of five minutes’ +conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has done +during the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert E. +Gillam O. Crowbillon.”</p> + +<p>What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show +to Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything. +The crisis had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening his +letter, showed a cheque for £25 as a commission for the +recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp is +evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called, +and both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far as +to say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I was +melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, but what sort of a +name?”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp +the contents of the letter in a modified form, but Mr. Perkupp +said: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at an +end. Your son will bring his punishment upon +himself.” I went home in the evening, thinking of the +hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagant +spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the +table for me to read.</p> + +<p>To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely +engaged Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other +advantages. I read the letter through three times and +thought it must have been for me. But there it +was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. I was +silent. Lupin said: “What price Perkupp now? +You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and +freeze on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! +Perkupp’s firm? The stagnant dummies have been +standing still for years, and now are moving back. I want +to go on. In fact I must go <i>off</i>, as I am dining with +the Murray Poshs to-night.”</p> + +<p>In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his +stick, gave a loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a +chair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all over my +forehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance of +reminding him of his age and the respect which was due to his +parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and +positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting +Lupin.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take +my word, he has more in his head than we three put +together.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. +James (of Sutton) visits us again and introduces “Spiritual +Séances.”</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 26, Sunday.—We went to +Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. and Mrs. +James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the +entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their only +son—who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.</p> + +<p>Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my +shins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into my +eyes. I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: +“Please don’t scold him; I do not believe in being +too severe with young children. You spoil their +character.”</p> + +<p>Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie +tried to pacify him, he slapped her face.</p> + +<p>I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of +bringing up children, Mrs. James.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas of +bringing up children—even your son Lupin is not the +standard of perfection.”</p> + +<p>A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his +lap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. +Mezzini, saying: “I don’t like you—you’ve +got a dirty face.”</p> + +<p>A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by +the wrist and said: “Come here, dear, and listen to +this.”</p> + +<p>He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch +strike six.</p> + +<p>To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced +it down upon the ground like one would a ball.</p> + +<p>Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily +get a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works were +damaged.</p> + +<p>To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said +the child was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its +looks, for it was—in her mind—an unquestionably +beautiful child.</p> + +<p>I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier +child myself. That is <i>my</i> opinion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 30.—I don’t know +why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits to +our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to +stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I +was leaving: “I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James +better than I do.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had +to put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who +is kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t +mind the occasional visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellect +in her little finger than both your friends have in their entire +bodies.”</p> + +<p>I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear +old friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus +coming, I left with a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, +perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie’s +teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hour +afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie +buried in a book on Spiritualism, called <i>There is no +Birth</i>, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say the +book was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As she +had not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of the +evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to show +signs of wear at the edges.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the +entire management of everything. Finding that she and +Carrie were making some preparations for table-turning, I thought +it time really to put my foot down. I have always had the +greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it years +ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have séances +every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If I +could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it +in the days gone by, I determined to do so now.</p> + +<p>I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally +disapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my old +friends on this evening.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t +read <i>There is no Birth</i>?” I said: “No, +and I have no intention of doing so.” Mrs. James +seemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad over +the book.” I responded rather cleverly: “Let +it. There will be one sane man in it, at all +events.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people +were all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the +electric telegraph or the telephone.</p> + +<p>I said that was quite a different thing.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in +what way?”</p> + +<p>I said: “In many ways.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Well, mention <i>one</i> +way.”</p> + +<p>I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to +discuss the matter. I am not interested in it.”</p> + +<p>Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, +for which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this +foolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on +the subject being opened again, Cummings said he was most +interested in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess he +did not believe much in it; still, he was willing to be +convinced.</p> + +<p>I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that +my presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the +parlour at a small round table which they had taken out of the +drawing-room. I walked into the hall with the ultimate +intention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door, +who should come in but Gowing!</p> + +<p>On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join +the circle and he would go into a trance. He added that he +<i>knew</i> a few things about old Cummings, and would +<i>invent</i> a few about Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerous +Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolish +performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an +hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more +comfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold +drawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and +Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending the +evening. Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a +bad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.”</p> + +<p>My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very +sternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the +night thinking of it—the other half was spent in nightmares +on the same subject.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">May</span> 31.—I wrote a stern +letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with the +letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: “You +have returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps +you will return either the colour or the value of the +handkerchiefs.” I shall be rather curious to know +what she will have to say.</p> + +<p>More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last +night was in a measure successful, and they ought to sit +again. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. I had +the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and repaired +the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In a +fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such an +expression,—I gave the floor over the parlour, where the +séance was taking place, two loud raps with the +hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of +ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have +done.</p> + +<p>However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared +that a message came through the table to her of a wonderful +description, concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, +and who was quite unknown to the others.</p> + +<p>When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit +to-morrow night, to oblige her. She said it seemed rather +unkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I would sit +once.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 1.—I sat reluctantly at +the table in the evening, and I am bound to admit some curious +things happened. I contend they were coincidences, but they +were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards +me, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the +spirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the +spirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the name +of an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to call +Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. We could +make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that her +second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to +spell. I don’t think even Carrie knew this. But +if she did, she would never cheat. I must admit it was +curious. Several other things happened, and I consented to +sit at another séance on Monday.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 3.—The laundress called, +and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs, and returned +ninepence. I said, as the colour was completely washed out +and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was not +enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs +originally only cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a +sale at the Holloway <i>Bon Marché</i>. In that +case, I insisted that threepence should be returned to the +laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a few +days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. +Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh +was very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.</p> + +<p>In the evening we had another séance, which, in some +respects, was very remarkable, although the first part of it was +a little doubtful. Gowing called, as well as Cummings, and +begged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted to +object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, if +there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little +more spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat +down.</p> + +<p>The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get +my hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began +moving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out: +“Way oh! steady, lad, steady!” I told Gowing if +he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and put an +end to the séance.</p> + +<p>To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I +hinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table +go right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again, and +said, “WARN” three or four times, and declined to +explain. Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubborn +sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing +to do was to send her away.</p> + +<p>She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, +Lina; you are disagreeable. Go away!” I should +think we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothing +happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested we +should stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as +well as Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten +minutes’ time there was some tilting towards me. I +gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I have +heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hear +Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the +table. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not +believe him.</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a +ghost.”</p> + +<p>I said: “<i>You</i> know it doesn’t mean anything +of the sort.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I +‘spook,’” and he rose from the table.</p> + +<p>No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James +suggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consented +and sat in the arm-chair.</p> + +<p>The table began to move again, and we might have had a +wonderful séance but for Gowing’s stupid +interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie the +table spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN” +three times. We could not think what it meant till Cummings +pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin spelled +backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was +particularly excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was +going to happen.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit. +The table replied firmly, “No,” and the spirit would +not give his or her name. We then had the message, +“NIPUL will be very rich.”</p> + +<p>Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word +“WARN” was again spelt out. The table then +began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, who +spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its +name. It first spelled “DRINK.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my +line.”</p> + +<p>I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be +completed.</p> + +<p>The table then spelt “WATER.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! +that’s <i>not</i> in my line. <i>Outside</i> if you +like, but not inside.”</p> + +<p>Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.</p> + +<p>The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James +startled us by crying out, “Captain Drinkwater, a very old +friend of my father’s, who has been dead some +years.”</p> + +<p>This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that +after all there must be something in Spiritualism.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the +word “Warn” as applied to “NIPUL.” +The alphabet was given again, and we got the word +“BOSH.”</p> + +<p>Gowing here muttered: “So it is.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as +Captain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have +used the word in answer to a lady’s question. +Accordingly the alphabet was given again.</p> + +<p>This time the table spelled distinctly +“POSH.” We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh and +Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it +was getting late we broke up the circle.</p> + +<p>We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. +James’ last night in town. We also determined +<i>not</i> to have Gowing present.</p> + +<p>Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, +but he wished the spirits would say something about him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">June</span> 4.—Quite looking forward +to the séance this evening. Was thinking of it all +the day at the office.</p> + +<p>Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing +entering without knocking.</p> + +<p>He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought +with me a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. +Pooter. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper on +which I have asked a simple question. If the spirits can +answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.”</p> + +<p>I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for +the spirits to answer questions under such conditions—and +even for them to write on locked slates. It is quite worth +trying. If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, she is +certain to do it.”</p> + +<p>Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm +believer. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine or +ten, and hear the result.”</p> + +<p>He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to +know something about some undertaking in which he was concerned, +but he could get no answer of any description whatever—at +which he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there was +not much in table-turning after all. I thought this rather +selfish of him. The séance was very similar to the +one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to +the letter. “Lina” took a long time answering +the question, but eventually spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, AND +COWS.” There was great rocking of the table at this +time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater, +let us ask him the answer as well?”</p> + +<p>It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave +the same identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND +COWS.”</p> + +<p>I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the +seal, or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, to +which the answer was so inappropriate. The question was, +“<i>What’s old Pooter’s age</i>?”</p> + +<p>This quite decided me.</p> + +<p>As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I +would again.</p> + +<p>I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm +when driven to it.</p> + +<p>I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last +of this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof. +I regret I permitted myself to be a party to such +tomfoolery. If there is anything in it—which I +doubt—it is nothing of any good, and I <i>won’t have +it again</i>. That is enough.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather +over-stepping—”</p> + +<p>I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of this +house—please understand that.”</p> + +<p>Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was +mistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catch +what she said. But if I thought she said what it sounded +like, she should never enter the house again.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XXIII</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new +apartments, and hear some extraordinary information respecting +the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh. +Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 1.—I find, on looking +over my diary, nothing of any consequence has taken place during +the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken +furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs. +Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most +extravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin says +one never loses by a good address, and, to use his own +expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.” +Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know. +I have long since given up trying to understand his curious +expressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been good +enough for his parents. His reply was: “It is no +question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, and +I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.”</p> + +<p>We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by +himself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an old +and a young horse can’t pull together in the same cart.</p> + +<p>Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, +and like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he +occasionally suffered from what he could not +help—youth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 2.—Cummings called, +looked very pale, and said he had been very ill again, and of +course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said +she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the +<i>Bicycle News</i> on the table, with the following paragraph: +“We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, Mr. +Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with what might +have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy +threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and +the machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily +to the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than +hurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford, +where they turned up in good numbers. ‘Long’ +Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr. +Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said +it was a case of ‘<i>Cumming</i>(s) thro’ the +<i>Rye</i>, but fortunately there was more <i>wheel</i> than +<i>woe</i>,’ a joke which created roars of +laughter.”</p> + +<p>We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay +to supper. Cummings said it was like old times being +without Lupin, and he was much better away.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 3, Sunday.—In the +afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, which was +open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated by +the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be +seen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it +violently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was +nearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the front +door; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, and +I followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thought +it was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over the +banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.” +Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smell +musty. There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered: +“Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter will +be down directly.” I changed my coat, but could not +see to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.</p> + +<p>Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. +Lupin.</p> + +<p>This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and +Lupin met me with the remark: “I say, what did you run away +from the window for? Did we frighten you?”</p> + +<p>I foolishly said: “What window?”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. You +looked as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.”</p> + +<p>On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: +“Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can +do with a B. and S.”</p> + +<p>I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.”</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. You +just trip out and hold the horse; I don’t think Sarah +understands it.”</p> + +<p>They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin +said: “I want you both to come and dine with me next +Wednesday, and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, +Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming. Eight +o’clock sharp. No one else.”</p> + +<p>I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would +like the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got +home.</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it. +If it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.”</p> + +<p>We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the +familiar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is +reprehensible. Anybody would think they had been children +together. I certainly should object to a six months’ +acquaintance calling <i>my</i> wife “Carrie,” and +driving out with her.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 4.—Lupin’s rooms +looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a little too +grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight +off. I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. +and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full +evening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us six, +we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had no +appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before we +sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty +meal. I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling +famished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.</p> + +<p>We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called +“Lillie Girl,” as if he had known her all his +life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought she +was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but +she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. +She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she kept +giggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then her +laugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, all +the more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at. +In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with +her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including +Miss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t you +smoke, dear?” I answered for Carrie, and said: +“Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,” +whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat +what I have said before—she does <i>not</i> sing in tune; +but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes the +whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should have +had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself very +agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, +which I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for +Mrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie +her necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present, +alone cost £300.</p> + +<p>Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he +would make rapid way in the world.</p> + +<p>I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over +the <i>Parachikka Chlorates</i> through Lupin’s advice.</p> + +<p>During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and +expressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his +means.</p> + +<p>Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. +“Posh’s one-price hat” was a household word in +Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big towns +throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. Posh +was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and +Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and +Johannesburg.</p> + +<p>I said I was pleased to hear it.</p> + +<p>Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on +Daisy, and the same amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ If +at any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a couple +of ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up +Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with ready +cash.”</p> + +<p>On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my +life, I was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money +was <i>not</i> properly divided.</p> + +<p>On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom +cab, which had been waiting for me for two hours with a +letter. Sarah said she did not know what to do, as we had +not left the address where we had gone. I trembled as I +opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr. +Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Come +down to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important. +Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.”</p> + +<p>I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman +replied that it was <i>not</i>; for his instructions were, if I +happened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. I felt +very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached the +hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being +so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have a +few oysters.” I feel my heart beating as I write +these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a rich +American friend who wanted to do something large in our line of +business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to +him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy +chance, the result be successful, I can more than compensate my +dear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon’s custom. +Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious +‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has +not yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the +best wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bit +of business.”</p> + +<p>I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.</p> + +<p>It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I was +so tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals—then +only to dream.</p> + +<p>I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The +latter was in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp +was waiting in the room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off this +crown and handing it to me, and calling me +“President.”</p> + +<p>He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept +asking Mr. Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. +Mr. Huttle kept saying: “No, this is the White House of +Washington, and you must keep your crown, Mr. +President.”</p> + +<p>We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and +then I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing +over and over again.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER THE LAST</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">One of the happiest days of my life.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 10.—The excitement and +anxiety through which I have gone the last few days have been +almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but +settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have +written a long letter to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do +so,—regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove up +to our house again last night.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">July</span> 11.—I find my eyes +filling with tears as I pen the note of my interview this morning +with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: “My +faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you +have done our firm. You can never be sufficiently +thanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like your +house, and are you happy where you are?”</p> + +<p>I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the +neighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it.”</p> + +<p>Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will +purchase the freehold of that house, and present it to the most +honest and most worthy man it has ever been my lot to +meet.”</p> + +<p>He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be +spared many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to +thank him; and, seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said: +“You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,” and left the +office.</p> + +<p>I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I +have never done before), and asked the two latter to come round +to supper.</p> + +<p>On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent +Sarah round to the grocer’s to get two bottles of +“Jackson Frères.”</p> + +<p>My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post +brought a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it +aloud to them all. It ran: “My dear old +Guv.,—Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack +again. I am engaged to be married to ‘Lillie +Girl.’ I did not mention it last Thursday, as it was +not definitely settled. We shall be married in August, and +amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing and +Cummings. With much love to all, from <i>The same old +Lupin</i>.”</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1026 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |