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diff --git a/1026-0.txt b/1026-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c5eeba --- /dev/null +++ b/1026-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4290 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1026 *** + + The Diary of + a Nobody + + + BY + GEORGE GROSSMITH + AND + WEEDON GROSSMITH + + WITH ILLUSTRATIONS + BY + WEEDON GROSSMITH + + A NEW EDITION + + * * * * * + + BRISTOL + J. W. ARROWSMITH, PRINTER, QUAY STREET + + LONDON + SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED + + + + +INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER + + +_Why should I not publish my diary_? _I have often seen reminiscences of +people I have never even heard of_, _and I fail to see_—_because I do not +happen to be a_ ‘_Somebody_’—_why my diary should not be interesting_. +_My only regret is that I did not commence it when I was a youth_. + + CHARLES POOTER. + +_The Laurels_, + _Brickfield Terrace_, + _Holloway_. + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +We settle down in our new home, and I resolve to keep a diary. Tradesmen +trouble us a bit, so does the scraper. The Curate calls and pays me a +great compliment. + +My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our new house, “The +Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace, Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not +counting basement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a little +front garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the front door, +which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up. Cummings, Gowing, +and our other intimate friends always come to the little side entrance, +which saves the servant the trouble of going up to the front door, +thereby taking her from her work. We have a nice little back garden +which runs down to the railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of +the trains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice them +after a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He was certainly right; and +beyond the cracking of the garden wall at the bottom, we have suffered no +inconvenience. + +After my work in the City, I like to be at home. What’s the good of a +home, if you are never in it? “Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I am +always in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop in without +ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. My dear wife Caroline and +I are pleased to see them, if they like to drop in on us. But Carrie and +I can manage to pass our evenings together without friends. There is +always something to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to put +straight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to nail down—all of which +I can do with my pipe in my mouth; while Carrie is not above putting a +button on a shirt, mending a pillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia +Gavotte” on our new cottage piano (on the three years’ system), +manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard and Collard +(in very large letters). It is also a great comfort to us to know that +our boy Willie is getting on so well in the Bank at Oldham. We should +like to see more of him. Now for my diary:— + + * * * * * + +APRIL 3.—Tradesmen called for custom, and I promised Farmerson, the +ironmonger, to give him a turn if I wanted any nails or tools. +By-the-by, that reminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the +bells must be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the front door +rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which is ridiculous. Dear friend +Gowing dropped in, but wouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell +of paint. + +APRIL 4. Tradesmen still calling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal +with Horwin, who seemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered +a shoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial. Carrie arranged +with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh butter, and a +pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling’s worth of +eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a +meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle +it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was moist. He +said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, +and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, +or else I shall get into a _scrape_. I don’t often make jokes. + +APRIL 5.—Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with +another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over +scraper coming in. _Must_ get that scraper removed. + +APRIL 6.—Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset +with my compliments, and he needn’t call any more for orders. Couldn’t +find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it. +Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there +was a stick in the ‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In the evening, +hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs +hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was +Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on +seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks any +more—the game wasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings, and +quietly remarked that I thought it was _possible_ for a city clerk to be +a _gentleman_. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted to +know whether I had ever come across one, for _he_ hadn’t. He left the +house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; and +I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn’t +removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought to +have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion. + +APRIL 7.—Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and +putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office +were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found +Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for +his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday +last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his +apology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort +of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request +that on this occasion they _should_ be fresh. I am afraid we shall have +to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide +enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might +ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark +chocolate) on Monday. + +APRIL 8, Sunday.—After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent +Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special +occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to +take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side +entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his +trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them +on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden, +and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and +radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the +Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only +repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great +compliment. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with +his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life. +Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have a +little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings. + +APRIL 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided _not_ +to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-for +manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. I +simply said: “Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?” And +he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could +hear: “Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up ‘things’ like you by the +dozen!” + +I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that this +disgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violent +kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguard +butcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and would +immediately bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson’s, the +ironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper +and repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble the +landlord with such a trifling matter. + +Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, who +had sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, as +it contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling at +warehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirely +repaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to match +it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory to +him and to us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt I +had been talked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and +went to bed at nine. + +APRIL 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. He +seems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct such +small jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, and +went to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are at +arriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard +of it, they might be discharged. + +Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me +“to keep my hair on!” I informed him I had had the honour of being in +the firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I “looked it.” +I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you some respect, +sir.” He replied: “All right, go on demanding.” I would not argue with +him any further. You cannot argue with people like that. In the evening +Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell of paint. +Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not always +cautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she was +present. + +APRIL 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day was a +day of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the City, +through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time had +the impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left the +marks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had +knocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. I +knew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doing +the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He replied +that he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand. + +I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened to +me before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendance +of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately chose this +very morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip to +the others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot. +Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by his +intervention. As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to his +neighbour: “How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” This +was, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence, +simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of making +both of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more +dignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummings +called in the evening, and we played dominoes. + +APRIL 12.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson +repairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. I +asked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh hole +he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous place +to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing about +his business. I felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense I +shall be put to. + +In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke together +in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long, +saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much for +me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that his +friend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar didn’t +look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smoked a +little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of telling +Sarah to bring in the glasses. + +I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of +fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me +another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual +sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: “You’re not going to complain of +the smell of paint again?” He said: “No, not this time; but I’ll tell +you what, I distinctly smell dry rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I +replied: “You’re talking a lot of _dry rot_ yourself.” I could not help +roaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I +never was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. I +actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook. + +APRIL 13.—An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to +make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent +the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, and +recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt at +Clapham. It only shows how small the world is. + +APRIL 14.—Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this +morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in +good condition, on _Gardening_. I procured and sowed some half-hardy +annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought of a +joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought. I +said: “I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied: +“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at the _boarders_.” Carrie said: “Is +that all you wanted me for?” I said: “Any other time you would have +laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie said: “Certainly—_at any other +time_, but not when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked very +nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked _all right_, but it made +the banisters look _all wrong_, and suggested a coat of paint on them +also, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, and +fortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banisters +slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny. + +APRIL 15, Sunday.—At three o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good +long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend +named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, who +was always a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at the +grass with his stick. + +As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing +suggested that we should make for “The Cow and Hedge” and get some tea. +Stillbrook said: “A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I reminded +them that all public-houses were closed till six o’clock. Stillbrook +said, “That’s all right—_bona-fide_ travellers.” + +We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate +said: “Where from?” I replied: “Holloway.” He immediately put up his +arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I saw +Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for the +entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at their +expense, I heard the porter say: “Where from?” When, to my surprise, in +fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three were +immediately admitted. + +Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We shan’t be a minute.” +I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they were +all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort to +apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very rough on you +to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.’s.” I walked +home in silence; I couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all the +evening, but deemed it advisable _not_ to say anything to Carrie about +the matter. + +APRIL 16.—After business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark I +wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps +they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at “The Cow +and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mind not to write _yet_. + +APRIL 17.—Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings +about last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. Afterwards, +thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined not to +_write_ at all, but to _speak_ quietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving +a sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been +waiting for an explanation of _my_ (mind you, MY) extraordinary conduct +coming home on Sunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was the aggrieved +party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling yourself aggrieved—should +bestow forgiveness on me.” I have copied this _verbatim_ in the diary, +because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences I +have ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I was +actually apologising for having been insulted. + +APRIL 18.—Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. +In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottle +of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers. +Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfully flurried. +Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it was only +Cummings. Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell. +Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: “I’ve just seen Gowing. All right. +Say no more about it.” There is no doubt they are both under the +impression I have apologised. + +While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: “By-the-by, +do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in the +trade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight +shillings. It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” I +told him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. To my horror, +at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottle of +whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front of +us, said: “Please, sir, the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, but +you’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on the +bottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some at +one-and-three, as dry as a nut!” + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +A conversation with Mr. Merton on Society. Mr. and Mrs. James, of +Sutton, come up. A miserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments +with enamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing and Cummings are +unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red, with unexpected result. + +APRIL 19.—Cummings called, bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in +the wine trade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself at home at +once, and Carrie and I were both struck with him immediately, and +thoroughly approved of his sentiments. + +He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take me as I am;” and I +replied: “Yes—and you must take us as we are. We’re homely people, we +are not swells.” + +He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowing roared with laughter; but +Merton in a most gentlemanly manner said to Gowing: “I don’t think you +quite understand me. I intended to convey that our charming host and +hostess were superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading a +simple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpenny +tea-drinking afternoons, and living above their incomes.” + +I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks of Merton’s, and +concluded that subject by saying: “No, candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go +into Society, because we do not care for it; and what with the expense of +cabs here and cabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., it +doesn’t seem worth the money.” + +Merton said in reference to _friends_: “My motto is ‘Few and True;’ and, +by the way, I also apply that to wine, ‘Little and Good.’” Gowing said: +“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, old man?” Merton, still +continuing, said he should treat me as a friend, and put me down for a +dozen of his “Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend of Gowing, I +should have it for 36s., which was considerably under what he paid for +it. + +He booked his own order, and further said that at any time I wanted any +passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as his name stood good for +any theatre in London. + +APRIL 20.—Carrie reminded me that as her old school friend, Annie Fullers +(now Mrs. James), and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, +it would look kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line +to Mr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the Italian +Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to that effect. + +APRIL 21.—Got a reply from Merton, saying he was very busy, and just at +present couldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket, Savoy, +or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was the _Brown Bushes_, +at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosed seats for four; also bill +for whisky. + +APRIL 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James (Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, +and we left directly after for the Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that took +us to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took us to the +“Angel.” Mr. James each time insisted on paying for all, saying that I +had paid for the tickets and that was quite enough. + +We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our ’bus-load except +an old woman with a basket seemed to be going in. I walked ahead and +presented the tickets. The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr. +Willowly! do you know anything about these?” holding up my tickets. The +gentleman called to, came up and examined my tickets, and said: “Who gave +you these?” I said, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, of course.” He +said: “Merton? Who’s he?” I answered, rather sharply: “You ought to +know, his name’s good at any theatre in London.” He replied: “Oh! is it? +Well, it ain’t no good here. These tickets, which are not dated, were +issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, which has since changed hands.” +While I was having some very unpleasant words with the man, James, who +had gone upstairs with the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I went up +after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way, please, box H.” +I said to James: “Why, how on earth did you manage it?” and to my horror +he replied: “Why, paid for it of course.” + +This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow the play, but I +was doomed to still further humiliation. I was leaning out of the box, +when my tie—a little black bow which fastened on to the stud by means of +a new patent—fell into the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had +his foot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. He then picked +it up and eventually flung it under the next seat in disgust. What with +the box incident and the tie, I felt quite miserable. Mr. James, of +Sutton, was very good. He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice it with +your beard. That is the only advantage of growing one that I can see.” +There was no occasion for that remark, for Carrie is very proud of my +beard. + +To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down the rest of the +evening, which caused a pain at the back of my neck. + +APRIL 24.—Could scarcely sleep a wink through thinking of having brought +up Mr. and Mrs. James from the country to go to the theatre last night, +and his having paid for a private box because our order was not honoured, +and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letter to Merton, the +wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said, “Considering we had to pay +for our seats, we did our best to appreciate the performance.” I thought +this line rather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there were in +appreciate, and she said, “One.” After I sent off the letter I looked at +the dictionary and found there were two. Awfully vexed at this. + +Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s; for, as Carrie +wisely said, “We’ll make it all right with them by asking them up from +Sutton one evening next week to play at Bézique.” + +APRIL 25.—In consequence of Brickwell telling me his wife was working +wonders with the new Pinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. I +bought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened through tea, went into +the garden and painted some flower-pots. I called out Carrie, who said: +“You’ve always got some newfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit +that the flower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into the +servant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse, and chest of +drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinary improvement, but as an +example of the ignorance of the lower classes in the matter of taste, our +servant, Sarah, on seeing them, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely +said “she thought they looked very well as they was before.” + +APRIL 26.—Got some more red enamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best +colour), and painted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our _Shakspeare_, +the binding of which had almost worn out. + +APRIL 27.—Painted the bath red, and was delighted with the result. Sorry +to say Carrie was not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said I +ought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such a thing as a +bath being painted red. I replied: “It’s merely a matter of taste.” + +Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by a voice +saying, “May I come in?” It was only Cummings, who said, “Your maid +opened the door, and asked me to excuse her showing me in, as she was +wringing out some socks.” I was delighted to see him, and suggested we +should have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merriment said: +“You can be the dummy.” Cummings (I thought rather ill-naturedly) +replied: “Funny as usual.” He said he couldn’t stop, he only called to +leave me the _Bicycle News_, as he had done with it. + +Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he “must apologise for +coming so often, and that one of these days we must come round to _him_.” +I said: “A very extraordinary thing has struck me.” “Something funny, as +usual,” said Cummings. “Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say so +this time. It’s concerning you both; for doesn’t it seem odd that +Gowing’s always coming and Cummings’ always going?” Carrie, who had +evidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits of laughter, and +as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair, till it cracked beneath +me. I think this was one of the best jokes I have ever made. + +Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings and Gowing +perfectly silent, and without a smile on their faces. After rather an +unpleasant pause, Cummings, who had opened a cigar-case, closed it up +again and said: “Yes—I think, after that, I _shall_ be going, and I am +sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.” Gowing said he didn’t mind a +joke when it wasn’t rude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was +certainly a little wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up by +saying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, he shouldn’t have +entered the house again. This rather unpleasantly terminated what might +have been a cheerful evening. However, it was as well they went, for the +charwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork. + +APRIL 28.—At the office, the new and very young clerk Pitt, who was very +impudent to me a week or so ago, was late again. I told him it would be +my duty to inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pitt +apologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. I was +unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his manner towards me, +and told him I would look over his unpunctuality. Passing down the room +an hour later. I received a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up +ball of hard foolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks were +apparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, but I would give +half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown by accident or design. +Went home early and bought some more enamel paint—black this time—and +spent the evening touching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair +of boots, making them look as good as new. Also painted Gowing’s +walking-stick, which he left behind, and made it look like ebony. + +APRIL 29, Sunday.—Woke up with a fearful headache and strong symptoms of +a cold. Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was +“painter’s colic,” and was the result of my having spent the last few +days with my nose over a paint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a +great deal better what was the matter with me than she did. I had got a +chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bear it. Bath +ready—could scarcely bear it so hot. I persevered, and got in; very hot, +but very acceptable. I lay still for some time. + +On moving my hand above the surface of the water, I experienced the +greatest fright I ever received in the whole course of my life; for +imagine my horror on discovering my hand, as I thought, full of blood. +My first thought was that I had ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to +death, and should be discovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, +as I remember seeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My second thought was to +ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring. My third was, +that there was nothing but the enamel paint, which had dissolved with +boiling water. I stepped out of the bath, perfectly red all over, +resembling the Red Indians I have seen depicted at an East-End theatre. +I determined not to say a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come +on Monday and paint the bath white. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +The ball at the Mansion House. + +APRIL 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie and +myself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet the +Representatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart beat like that of a +schoolboy’s. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times. +I could scarcely eat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the bottom +of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down the +aisle of the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if +not surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady +Mayoress at the Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, and +she said: “Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of you. And I am +very, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; and as long as I am +pretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not +handsome, but you are _good_, which is far more noble.” I gave her a +kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be any dancing? I have not +danced with you for years.” + +I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist, +and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarah +entered, grinning, and said: “There is a man, mum, at the door who wants +to know if you want any good coals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent the +evening in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the Mansion +House, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we were +not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor’s +invitation. + +MAY 1.—Carrie said: “I should like to send mother the invitation to look +at.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perkupp, at +the office, with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitation +to the Mansion House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himself +gave in my name to the Lord Mayor’s secretary. I felt this rather +discounted the value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply +to me, he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was too +simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best. + +MAY 2.—Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s round the +corner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next +Monday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note to +Cummings. + +MAY 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress +for next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our head +clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, I’m asked, but don’t think +I shall go.” When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my +invitation is considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out, +the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarah +had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again. + +MAY 4.—Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was +sent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port +over it. I was too angry to say anything. + +MAY 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two +white ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying. + +MAY 6, Sunday.—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice +thought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow. + +MAY 7.—A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The whole +house upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted the +room to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie; so I +could not help thinking it unreasonable that she should require the +entire attention of Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out +of the house to fetch “something for missis,” and several times I had, in +my full evening-dress, to answer the back-door. + +The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing it was me, +for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages and +half-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, and +felt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. He +went away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would not have +happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage, +which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I was +stunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-room +and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin was +bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn +at the knee. + +However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed in the +drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarah very +neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept into +the room, looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, or +so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue—my favourite +colour—and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round the +shoulders, to give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little +too long behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said it +was _à la mode_. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan of +ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, as +the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred +the little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six at +Shoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once. + +We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate, +for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously +condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was +disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal. + +I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did not +know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never forget +the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a little +annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t know +anybody?” + +Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like Franching, +from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by the +coat-tails, and said quite loudly: “Don’t leave me,” which caused an +elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two +ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in the +supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper—any amount of +champagne. + +Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I +sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not +taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap +on the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our +ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: “This is better than +Brickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and said coolly: “I +never expected to see you here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “I +like that—if _you_, why not _me_?” I replied: “Certainly,” I wish I +could have thought of something better to say. He said: “Can I get your +good lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thank you,” for which I was +pleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: “You never sent to-day to +paint the bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, Mr. Pooter, +no shop when we’re in company, please.” + +Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court +costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend, +and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For full +five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging each +other in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn’t look a day +older. They began embracing each other and drinking champagne. + +To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of our +aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized me +rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said: “Let me +introduce my neighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say “Mister.” The +sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was a +great honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We +stood chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must excuse me now +if I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I approached her, she said: “Don’t let me +take you away from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in a +crowd, knowing nobody!” + +As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor the +place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: “I hope my darling +little wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we had +danced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding the +dancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used to +admire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her waist and +we commenced a waltz. + +A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of boots. +Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the +soles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet on +them. I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slipped +away and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with such +violence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened. I +needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breaking +the comb in her hair and grazing her elbow. + +There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when people +found that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie to +a seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having a +plain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent people +slipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on +escorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was +pleased to allow Carrie to accept. + +I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud voice +“Oh, are you the one who went down?” + +I answered with an indignant look. + +With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we are too old for +this game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come and have +another glass, that is more in our line.” + +Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed the +others into the supper-room. + +Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to stay +longer. As we were departing, Farmerson said: “Are you going? if so, you +might give me a lift.” + +I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also offended. A +pleasant party at the Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us. + +MAY 8.—I woke up with a most terrible headache. I could scarcely see, +and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought +first of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. When +up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, who gave me a +draught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went to +another chemist in the City, and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems +to have made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make matters +worse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply—that is, +when she answered at all. + +In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: “I do +believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion House +last night;” she simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing: +“Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt irritated, and said: “What +nonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well as +I do—” Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room. +I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, I +determined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed +without even saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery door and +feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning. + +MAY 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specks. The _Blackfriars +Bi-weekly News_ contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion House +Ball. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s is in +plainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean. More than +vexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. +Wrote to the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_, pointing out their omission. + +Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helped +myself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly: +“Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.” + +She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a little +explanation of your conduct the night before.” + +I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand you.” + +Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely in a condition +to understand anything.” + +I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: “Caroline!” + +She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve that +tone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.” + +I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seen +her in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: “Now _I’m_ going to +say something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to +snub _you_, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take a +glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit yourself to one glass. +You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing our +scraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about his +tearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’s +expensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he never +even apologised; but you smoked all the way home without having the +decency to ask my permission. That is not all! At the end of the +journey, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of +the cab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, +from my manner, that his company was not desirable.” + +Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make matters +worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on his +head and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur tippet +(which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and +announced himself in a loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the Lord +Mayor!” He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and finding we +took no notice, said: “Hulloh! what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?” + +There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My dear Gowing, I’m +not very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially when +you enter the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see the fun +of.” + +Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thought +you would have sent round.” I handed him his stick, which I remembered I +had painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He +looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who did +this?” + +I said: “Eh, did what?” + +He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my poor +uncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world! I’ll know +who did it.” + +I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it for the +best.” + +Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded liberty; and I +_would_ add, you’re a bigger fool than you look, only _that’s_ absolutely +impossible.” + +MAY 12.—Got a single copy of the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_. There was +a short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people had +mentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.” Most annoying! Wrote +again and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters, +_POOTER_, so that there should be no possible mistake this time. + +MAY 16.—Absolutely disgusted on opening the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_ +of to-day, to find the following paragraph: “We have received two letters +from Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the important +fact that they were at the Mansion House Ball.” I tore up the paper and +threw it in the waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to +bother about such trifles. + +MAY 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away at +Mrs. James’s, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, is +still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him. + +MAY 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which cost +seven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it round +with nice note to Gowing. + +MAY 23.—Received strange note from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit, +my boy—I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper. +Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick you +painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist’s. +However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all same.” + +MAY 24.—Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that +the sun has caught her nose. + +MAY 25.—Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them +to Trillip’s round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are much +frayed.” I said without a moment’s hesitation: “I’m _’frayed_ they are.” +Lor! how we roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. As I +happened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, I told +him my joke about the “frayed” shirts. I thought he would have rolled +off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit too over it. + +MAY 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s. I said to him: “I’m +_’fraid_ they are _frayed_.” He said, without a smile: “They’re bound to +do that, sir.” Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of +humour. + +JUNE 1.—The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, and +Gowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in +the garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of children, and +played “consequences.” It is a good game. + +JUNE 2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Not quite so successful as +last night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of good +taste. + +JUNE 4.—In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ +to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr. +Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five or six +songs, “No, Sir,” and “The Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humble +judgment; but what pleased me most was the duet she sang with +Carrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called, “I would that my +love!” It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t +think professionals could have sung it better. After supper we made them +sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sunday +to the “Cow and Hedge,” but I must say he sings comic-songs well. His +song: “We don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with laughter, +especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verse +I think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it was +the best of the lot. + +JUNE 6.—Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his charge +for repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so, and +he impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when they were +new.” I paid him, and said it was a robbery. He said: “If you wanted +your shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing +and bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?” + +JUNE 7.—A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, +and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come home +to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he would accept such a +humble invitation; but he did, saying, in a most friendly way, he would +rather “peck” with us than by himself. I said: “We had better get into +this blue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussing for me. I have had enough +of the blues lately. I lost a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step +in here.” + +We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times at +the front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, through the +panels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told Mr. +Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. There I +saw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, which +had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so went round and +effected an entrance through the kitchen window. I let in Mr. Franching, +and showed him into the drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was +changing her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to come +home. She replied: “How can you do such a thing? You know it’s Sarah’s +holiday, and there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton having +turned with the hot weather.” + +Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washed +up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views of +Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher’s to get three chops. + +JULY 30.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or +both. We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, +and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times. + +This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking about +balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation drifted +into family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason, +referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniary +trouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all events, was a gentleman,” +whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could not eat any +breakfast. + +At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very sorry, +but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday. +Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, “The +Constitutional.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the “tiff” this +morning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dine +and she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie. + +JULY 31.—Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with an +affectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed. +I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. She +replied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather was +so bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her a +seaside dress in time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with +pink bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not think +of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering the +argument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue. + +I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better than ‘Good old +Broadstairs.’” Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objection +to Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to use the +expression, “Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other +_gentlemen_ of his type. Hearing my ’bus pass the window, I was obliged +to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted +to her: “I leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the evening, +Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided on +Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, for +apartments. + +AUGUST 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not +to cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also +tight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, that +objectionable youth at the office, call out “Hornpipe” as I passed his +desk. Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge +skirt, which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In the +evening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the +_Exchange and Mart_. We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when +she had finished it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, and +how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it. + +AUGUST 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at +Broadstairs. That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of +tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the +City, and hear are all the “go.” + +AUGUST 3.—A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought +a parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said: +“Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as long so;” the matter dropped. I +bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t know what +it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only made +of straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair of +navy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie +told me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which he +always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarah out +for it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought us +a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: “I have just let all my house to one +party, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must find +other apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased to +accommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her rooms are +engaged Bank Holiday week.” + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter. + +AUGUST 4.—The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, +acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before +yesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he turned +up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham. +He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday he +thought he would give us a little surprise. + +AUGUST 5, Sunday.—We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, and are +pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely +believe he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger brother. I +rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, and I think he +ought to have gone to church this morning; but he said he was tired after +yesterday’s journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. We +had a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s health. + +He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my first name, +‘William,’ and taken the second name ‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known at +Oldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to ‘Willie’ me there, they +wouldn’t know what you meant.” + +Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, and +began by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to say that I +thought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christened +after his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in +a manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, I know all +about that—Good old Bill!” and helped himself to a third glass of port. + +Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” but she made no remark +when Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but looked at +her, which meant more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happy +with your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied: “Lupin, if you please; +and with respect to the Bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and +the ‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and my +instinct told me there was something wrong. + +AUGUST 6, Bank Holiday.—As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nine +o’clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at +half-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that he +had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house all +night, and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes, +and giving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he would +like some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea, +and didn’t want anything to eat. + +Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said we +dined at two; he said he “would be there.” He never came down till a +quarter to three. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you will +have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in an +hour, unless you go by the midnight mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor, +it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve tendered my resignation at the +Bank.” + +For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said: “How +dare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consulting +me? Don’t answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write a +note at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising +for your thoughtlessness.” + +Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: “It’s no use. If +you want the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck!” + +AUGUST 7.—Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week, +as we could not get the room. This will give us an opportunity of trying +to find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition of my life +would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm. + +AUGUST 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our +hands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the +Bank simply because “he took no interest in his work, and always arrived +an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can all start off on Monday to +Broadstairs with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry of +the last few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondence +with the manager of the Bank at Oldham. + +AUGUST 13.—Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near the +station. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. The +landlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we all +enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be a +fly in the butter. It was very wet in the evening, for which I was +thankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said he +would sit up and read a bit. + +AUGUST 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last +night, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the Assembly +Rooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of +respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it was only ‘for one night +only.’ I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to see +Polly Presswell, England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud to +say I had never heard of her. Carrie said: “Do let the boy alone. He’s +quite old enough to take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s a +gentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself.” Rained all day +hard, but Lupin would go out. + +AUGUST 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and the +first person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! I thought +you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” He said: “Yes, +but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I +came down here. You know the Cummings’ are here too?” Carrie said: “Oh, +that will be delightful! We must have some evenings together and have +games.” + +I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find we have our dear +boy at home!” Gowing said: “How’s that? You don’t mean to say he’s left +the Bank?” + +I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkward +questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking. + +AUGUST 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with me +because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’t +know what the boy is coming to. + +AUGUST 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for a +sail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, +she always sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh, you’ve been on +the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the +‘Liver Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected not +to understand him. + +AUGUST 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at +Margate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the +hotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in fact +disapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate; +whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: “I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a +hundred up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.” +I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.” Gowing +surprised me by saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and they +walked off together. + +AUGUST 19, Sunday.—I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which +he indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walked +out. Carrie then read _me_ a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability +of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhat +right, so in the evening I offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, +after a few whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try one of mine,” +and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a good +deal. + +AUGUST 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though clouded +overhead. We went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and as +it was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual, +overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play “Cutlets,” a game we +never heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, +an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined. + +After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees and Carrie sat +on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie’s lap, then +Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s. We looked very +ridiculous, and laughed a good deal. + +Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” We had to +answer all together: “Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowing said: “So am +I,” and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was that we all +fell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of +the fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this we +missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which cost +me seven-and-sixpence. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +Home again. Mrs. James’ influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. +Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with my +diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with an announcement. + +AUGUST 22.—Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool +mats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are +sorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin. + +AUGUST 23.—I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and +coloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, and +give it style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith are +sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin. + +AUGUST 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, as +he is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and +spend two or three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, but +mean to keep it as a surprise. + +AUGUST 25.—Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with +her an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James the +nicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went into +Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hour +talking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. +James’ _visit_, but was surprised at _her_. + +AUGUST 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talked +considerably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to +get on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some trouble +with our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday. Several of +their friends, who drive up in dog-carts, have already made themselves +objectionable. + +An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, and +while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit I +have), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American, +commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “_I had thirteen dollars in +my waistcoat pocket_.” I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicions +were confirmed; for while walking round the garden in my tall hat this +afternoon, a “throw-down” cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat, and +exploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive +I saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroom +windows. + +AUGUST 27.—Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not returned +when I came back from the office. Judging from the subsequent +conversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lot +of nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s and asked him to drop +in to supper, and make things pleasant. + +Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainder +of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, in +case there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards. +There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard. +Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called “Muggings.” +To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a +most sarcastic tone, said: “Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for +me, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden.” + +Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems to +have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. Lupin said: +“Let’s play ‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all round the room, and +brought him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughed +heartily at this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequently +laughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only on +going to bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the evening +with an antimacassar on one button of my coat-tails. + +AUGUST 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently +come from next door. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for Lupin. + +AUGUST 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie +appeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” was all +the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as big +as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James went home, and +both Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a +single subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have no +vacancy for Lupin. + +OCTOBER 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn the +last five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! Mine +is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of my +everyday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) a +great deal of pains. + +I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was my own +fault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and the +sweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. This +retort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been more +effective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarily +placed in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it. + +Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair of +vases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs. +Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, late of +Dalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she +had not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs. +Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fire +herself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, and +found it was a piece of my diary. So it was evident some one had torn my +diary to light the fire. I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me +to-morrow. + +OCTOBER 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying +that he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, +in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I am +bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record of +disappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied for +appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said: +“She never _see_ no book, much less take such a liberty as _touch_ it.” + +I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said she +would do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting the +fire with a bit of the _Echo_. I requested the sweep to be sent to me +to-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem +to see anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then retired +tired. + +NOVEMBER 1.—My entry yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did not +notice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried just now, +I might have had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but had the +audacity to come up to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on +the door-step. He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He +said Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for she +was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew into a temper with +the sweep, causing a row on the front door-steps, which I would not have +had happen for anything. I ordered her about her business, and told the +sweep I was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps +were covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would willingly +give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary. + +NOVEMBER 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I +never tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “Is +Marriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our case. In talking +over our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was past +midnight. We were startled by hearing the door slam violently. Lupin +had come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or +even to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed, +making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and he +begged to be excused, as he was “dead beat,” an observation that was +scarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hour +afterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, “See +me dance the polka!” or some such nonsense. + +NOVEMBER 3.—Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for +Lupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind is +relieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the good news to him, but he +was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till the evening. + +He said he had last night been elected a member of an Amateur Dramatic +Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, though it was a pleasant +evening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head. He +declined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up +a special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we filled our +glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some good and unexpected news +for you. Mr. Perkupp has procured you an appointment!” Lupin said: +“Good biz!” and we drained our glasses. + +Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good and +unexpected news for you.” + +I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said: +“I hope we shall think it good news.” + +Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! _I’m engaged to be married_!” + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin’s new berth. Fireworks +at the Cummings’. The “Holloway Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with the +charwoman. Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to Daisy +Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour. + +NOVEMBER 5, Sunday.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupin +getting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything. After +dinner he told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was Daisy +Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl he +ever met. He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he had to wait +fifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for him. + +Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a different +world to him now,—it was a world worth living in. He lived with an +object now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would +guarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here +burst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, +upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new light +trousers. + +I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, but +Carrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, but +held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for the +remainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: +“Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but refrained +from asking any further questions at present, for fear of irritating +Lupin. + +NOVEMBER 6.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long conversation +with Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was that he accepted +a clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and Share +Brokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and he +did not think much of it. I replied: “Beggars should not be choosers;” +and I will do Lupin the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of +himself. + +In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a few fireworks. +It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs would +not go off, and Gowing said: “Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go off +then.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went off +with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave the +rest of the squibs to the little Cummings’ boy to let off. + +Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on my +head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the ground +by way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it; said it cost +seven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting it alight. At +last it went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped. I +had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and, +unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass. Anybody would have +thought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed at +me. I will never join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous +waste of time and money. + +NOVEMBER 7.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said +she thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with +Carrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was settled by +Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get some +more printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough to +discuss the etiquette of calling. + +NOVEMBER 8.—I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, the stationers. I +ordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time. In +the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar’s brother. He +was rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and best +amateur in the club, referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupin +whispered to us that if we could only “draw out” Harry a bit, he would +make us roar with laughter. + +At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up a knife, +and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderful +manner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smoking a +big cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits. + +In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, and young Mutlar +said he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his parents being +rather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said we would get +up a little special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go, +and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that he +had to be up early to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began a +series of comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation. +Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an +excuse, and said “Good-night.” + +Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hall +something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to my disgust, although it +was past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with his +new companion. + +NOVEMBER 9.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diary +still fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see little +of him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. Cummings +dropped in. + +NOVEMBER 10.—Lupin seems to like his new berth—that’s a comfort. Daisy +Mutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie almost as full +of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has been +persuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the “Holloway +Comedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, _Gone to my +Uncle’s_; Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty. I told Lupin pretty +plainly I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, and +totally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening. + +NOVEMBER 11.—Returned home to find the house in a most disgraceful +uproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside her +bedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the +charwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of +her voice that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, who +had to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face who +put lies into her mouth.” Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear +me come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, +in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather strong +language in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hear +him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rotten +diary that wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly: +“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master of +this house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.” + +I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs. +Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fat +and leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs. +Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken nothing out of +the place, as there was “never no leavings to take.” I ordered Sarah +back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home. When I entered +the parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring with +laughter. + +NOVEMBER 12, Sunday.—Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin, +Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked +home together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them in for +a few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. My +heart quite sank. She is a big young woman, and I should think at least +eight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking. +Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brother +to meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased. + +NOVEMBER 13.—Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. +and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr. +Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair, +and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I said I feared we were not +quite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was “no offence in asking +him.” I said: “Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrie +confessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, +but thought she seemed a nice girl. + +NOVEMBER 14.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand little +party for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep, +wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could get away, he +would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day, making +little cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quite +nervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have +some light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham, +and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and a +Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked. + +Gowing called to know if he was to put on “swallow-tails” to-morrow. +Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, +and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance. + +Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn my +dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressed +out.” + +After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please Daisy +Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact, +disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friend +Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocer +engaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one. + +I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to tell you Miss +Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for more +wisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with a +woman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earning +your living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have to +support, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to be +nothing but a loafer.” + +Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped up +and said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I will +leave the house and never darken your doors again.” + +He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all right. +He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +Our first important Party. Old Friends and New Friends. Gowing is a +little annoying; but his friend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite +amusing. Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind and +complimentary. Party a great success. + +NOVEMBER 15.—A red-letter day. Our first important party since we have +been in this house. I got home early from the City. Lupin insisted on +having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen of champagne. I think this +an unnecessary expense, but Lupin said he had had a piece of luck, having +made three pounds out a private deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble +in his new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, and Carrie truly +said: “We need not be ashamed of its being seen by Mr. Perkupp, should he +honour us by coming.” + +I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually at eight o’clock, +and was much vexed to find my new dress-trousers much too short. + +Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with my wearing +ordinary boots instead of dress-boots. + +I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to be above that sort +of thing.” + +Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally was above his +boots.” + +This may be funny, or it may _not_; but I was gratified to find he had +not discovered the coral had come off one of my studs. Carrie looked a +picture, wearing the dress she wore at the Mansion House. The +arrangement of the drawing-room was excellent. Carrie had hung muslin +curtains over the folding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for +we had removed the door from its hinges. + +Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave him strict +orders not to open another bottle of champagne until the previous one was +empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry and port wine to be placed on the +drawing-room sideboard, with some glasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged +and tinted photographs look very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie +has arranged some Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them. + +The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste, greeted me with: +“Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are too short!” + +I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper ‘_short_’ also.” + +He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer, Juggins. You should get +your missus to put a flounce on them.” + +I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observations in my diary. + +The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The former said: “As you +didn’t say anything about dress, I have come ‘half dress.’” He had on a +black frock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, and Mr. +Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearable till his Daisy +Mutlar and Frank arrived. + +Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’s appearance. She had a +bright-crimson dress on, cut very low in the neck. I do not think such a +style modest. She ought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered +her shoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hogg and his +four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two of Lupin’s new +friends, members of the “Holloway Comedians.” Some of these seemed +rather theatrical in their manner, especially one, who was posing all the +evening, and leant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupin +called him “our Henry,” and said he was “our lead at the H.C.’s,” and was +quite as good in that department as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy +merchant. All this is Greek to me. + +We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’s side for a moment, +raved over her singing of a song, called “Some Day.” It seemed a pretty +song, but she made such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I +would not have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing four +songs right off, one after the other. + +At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the way Gowing and +Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had a meal for a month. +I told Carrie to keep something back in case Mr. Perkupp should come by +mere chance. Gowing annoyed me very much by filling a large tumbler of +champagne, and drinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and +made me fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. I tried to +keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and took it to the +side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar. + +We went upstairs, and the young fellows began skylarking. Carrie put a +stop to that at once. Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you +done with your Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin and Frank had +disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of the Holloways, where they were, +and he said: “It’s a case of ‘Oh, what a surprise!’” + +We were directed to form a circle—which we did. Watson then said: “I +have much pleasure in introducing the celebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank +and Lupin then bounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like a +clown, and Frank had tied round his waist a large hearthrug. He was +supposed to be the donkey, and he looked it. They indulged in a very +noisy pantomime, and we were all shrieking with laughter. + +I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standing half-way in +the door, he having arrived without our knowing it. I beckoned to +Carrie, and we went up to him at once. He would not come right into the +room. I apologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, it seems +amusing.” I could see he was not a bit amused. + +Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was a wreck. There was +not a glass of champagne left—not even a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he +required nothing, but would like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The +last syphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty of port wine left.” +Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile: “No, thank you. I really require +nothing, but I am most pleased to see you and your husband in your own +home. Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay, I +know.” I went with him to his carriage, and he said: “Don’t trouble to +come to the office till twelve to-morrow.” + +I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I told Carrie I +thought the party was a failure. Carrie said it was a great success, and +I was only tired, and insisted on my having some port myself. I drank +two glasses, and felt much better, and we went into the drawing-room, +where they had commenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which +I said reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney old thing. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +Reflections. I make another Good Joke. Am annoyed at the constant +serving-up of the “Blanc-Mange.” Lupin expresses his opinion of +Weddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar. + +NOVEMBER 16.—Woke about twenty times during the night, with terrible +thirst. Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that +in the jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s party was a failure, +and that a lot of low people came without invitation, and kept chaffing +and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp, till at last I was obliged to hide +him in the box-room (which we had just discovered), with a bath-towel +over him. It seems absurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. +I had the same dream about a dozen times. + +Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne never agrees with you.” +I told her I had only a couple of glasses of it, having kept myself +entirely to port. I added that good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin +told me he had only got it from a traveller as a favour, as that +particular brand had been entirely bought up by a West-End club. + +I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,” as the waiter called +them. I said to Carrie: “I wish I had put those ‘side dishes’ _aside_.” +I repeated this, but Carrie was busy, packing up the teaspoons we had +borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for the party. It was just half-past eleven, +and I was starting for the office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow +complexion, and said: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you this +morning?” I told him he might just as well speak to me in Dutch. He +added: “When I woke this morning, my head was as big as Baldwin’s +balloon.” On the spur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I +have ever said; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for the para_shooting_ +pains.” We roared. + +NOVEMBER 17.—Still feel tired and headachy! In the evening Gowing +called, and was full of praise about our party last Wednesday. He said +everything was done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously. +Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you never know how +long it will last. For instance, he stopped to supper, and seeing some +_blanc-mange_ on the table, shouted out, while the servant was in the +room: “Hulloh! The remains of Wednesday?” + +NOVEMBER 18.—Woke up quite fresh after a good night’s rest, and feel +quite myself again. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society is +not a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which we received +this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We only met her twice at Mrs. +James’, and it means a present. Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To +my mind a wedding’s a very poor play. There are only two parts in it—the +bride and bridegroom. The best man is only a walking gentleman. With +the exception of a crying father and a snivelling mother, the rest are +_supers_ who have to dress well and have to _pay_ for their insignificant +parts in the shape of costly presents.” I did not care for the +theatrical slang, but thought it clever, though disrespectful. + +I told Sarah not to bring up the _blanc-mange_ again for breakfast. It +seems to have been placed on our table at every meal since Wednesday. +Cummings came round in the evening, and congratulated us on the success +of our party. He said it was the best party he had been to for many a +year; but he wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would +have turned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet game of +dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupin and Frank +Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to join us. Lupin said he did not +care for dominoes, and suggested a game of “Spoof.” On my asking if it +required counters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two, +three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” It was simply Greek to me, +but it appears it is one of the customs of the “Holloway Comedians” to do +this when a member displays ignorance. + +In spite of my instructions, that _blanc-mange_ was brought up again for +supper. To make matters worse, there had been an attempt to disguise it, +by placing it in a glass dish with jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if +he would have some, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thank +you.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if that _blanc-mange_ were +placed on the table again I should walk out of the house. + +NOVEMBER 19, Sunday.—A delightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin +was off to spend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed in +the best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantage of Lupin’s +engagement with Daisy is that the boy seems happy all day long. That +quite reconciles me to what I must confess seems an imprudent +engagement.” + +Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, and agreed that +it did not always follow that an early engagement meant an unhappy +marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that we married early, and, with the +exception of a few trivial misunderstandings, we had never had a really +serious word. I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the +pleasures of life were derived from the little struggles and small +privations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’s married life. +Such struggles were generally occasioned by want of means, and often +helped to make loving couples stand together all the firmer. + +Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and that I was quite +a philosopher. + +We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flattered by Carrie’s +little compliment. I don’t pretend to be able to express myself in fine +language, but I feel I have the power of expressing my thoughts with +simplicity and lucidness. About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupin +entered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, which I must +say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you any brandy?” I said: “No; +but here is some whisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassful without +water, to my horror. + +We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie and I rose to +go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hope Daisy is well?” + +Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked up from the +“Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh, Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I +don’t know whether she is well or not, but please _never to mention her +name again in my presence_.” + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +We have a dose of Irving imitations. Make the acquaintance of a Mr. +Padge. Don’t care for him. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance. + +NOVEMBER 20.—Have seen nothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheap +address-book. I spent the evening copying in the names and addresses of +my friends and acquaintances. Left out the Mutlars of course. + +NOVEMBER 21.—Lupin turned up for a few minutes in the evening. He asked +for a drop of brandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind was +theatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My boy, I have none, and I +don’t think I should give it you if I had.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I +can get some,” and walked out of the house. Carrie took the boy’s part, +and the rest of the evening was spent in a disagreeable discussion, in +which the words “Daisy” and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times. + +NOVEMBER 22.—Gowing and Cummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin +also came in, bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the +“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party the other night, and who +cracked our little round table. Happy to say Daisy Mutlar was never +referred to. The conversation was almost entirely monopolised by the +young fellow Fosselton, who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but +seemed to imagine that he _was_ the celebrated actor. I must say he gave +some capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs of moving at +supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr. Fosselton, for our usual +crust—pray do.” He replied: “Oh! thanks; but please call me +Burwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lots of Fosseltons, +but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.” + +He began doing the Irving business all through supper. He sank so low +down in his chair that his chin was almost on a level with the table, and +twice he kicked Carrie under the table, upset his wine, and flashed a +knife uncomfortably near Gowing’s face. After supper he kept stretching +out his legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations from plays +which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over the fire-irons, +making a hideous row—poor Carrie already having a bad headache. + +When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will come to-morrow and bring +my Irving make-up.” Gowing and Cummings said they would like to see it +and would come too. I could not help thinking they might as well give a +party at my house while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensibly +said: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the Daisy Mutlar +business.” + +NOVEMBER 23.—In the evening, Cummings came early. Gowing came a little +later and brought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, very +vulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be all moustache. Gowing +never attempted any apology to either of us, but said Padge wanted to see +the Irving business, to which Padge said: “That’s right,” and that is +about all he _did_ say during the entire evening. Lupin came in and +seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bit of a surprise. Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him, but had gone upstairs to get +ready. In half-an-hour Lupin retired from the parlour, and returning in +a few minutes, announced “Mr. Henry Irving.” + +I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such a resemblance. It +was astonishing. The only person who did not appear interested was the +man Padge, who had got the best arm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul +pipe into the fireplace. After some little time I said; “Why do actors +always wear their hair so long?” Carrie in a moment said, “Mr. Hare +doesn’t wear long _hair_.” How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton, who +said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke, Mrs. Pooter, is +extremely appropriate, if not altogether new.” Thinking this rather a +snub, I said: “Mr. Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me by saying: +“Mr. _Burwin_-Fosselton, if you please,” which made me quite forget what +I was going to say to him. During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again +monopolised the conversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I +came to the conclusion one can have even too much imitation of Irving. +After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little too boisterous over his +Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowing by the collar of his coat, +dug his thumb-nail, accidentally of course, into Gowing’s neck and took a +piece of flesh out. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, who +having declined our modest supper in order that he should not lose his +comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter at the +little misadventure. I was so annoyed at the conduct of Padge, I said: +“I suppose you would have laughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” +to which Padge replied: “That’s right,” and laughed more than ever. I +think perhaps the greatest surprise was when we broke up, for Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton said: “Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like the +imitation, I’ll bring _the other make-up to-morrow night_.” + +NOVEMBER 24.—I went to town without a pocket-handkerchief. This is the +second time I have done this during the last week. I must be losing my +memory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, I would have +written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I should be out this +evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man who would come all the +same. + +Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round a little +note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up, which rather +amused me. He added that his neck was still painful. Of course, +Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin never turned up, and imagine my utter +disgust when that man Padge actually came again, and not even accompanied +by Gowing. I was exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is a +_surprise_.” Dear Carrie, fearing unpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose +Mr. Padge has only come to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padge +said: “That’s right,” and took the best chair again, from which he never +moved the whole evening. + +My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not an expensive +guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about the matter. The Irving +imitations and conversations occupied the whole evening, till I was sick +of it. Once we had a rather heated discussion, which was commenced by +Cummings saying that it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not +only _like_ Mr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way as _good_ or +even _better_. I ventured to remark that after all it was but an +imitation of an original. + +Cummings said surely some imitations were better than the originals. I +made what I considered a very clever remark: “Without an original there +can be no imitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quite impertinently: +“Don’t discuss me in my presence, if you please; and, Mr. Pooter, I +should advise you to talk about what you understand;” to which that cad +Padge replied: “That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved the whole thing by +suddenly saying: “I’ll be Ellen Terry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t a +bit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that the disagreeable +discussion passed off. When they left, I very pointedly said to Mr. +Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that we should be engaged to-morrow +evening. + +NOVEMBER 25.—Had a long letter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s +Irving discussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knew little +or nothing about stage matters, was not in the least interested in them +and positively declined to be drawn into a discussion on the subject, +even at the risk of its leading to a breach of friendship. I never wrote +a more determined letter. + +On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon I met near the +Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave a leap. I bowed rather stiffly, but +she affected not to have seen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by +the laundress sending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs, +and the laundress declared only a pair and a half were sent. I spoke to +Carrie about it, but she rather testily replied: “I am tired of speaking +to her; you had better go and speak to her yourself. She is outside.” I +did so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock was sent. + +Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rude enough to listen +to the conversation, and interrupting, said: “Don’t waste the odd sock, +old man; do an act of charity and give it to some poor man with only one +leg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. I was disgusted and walked +upstairs for the purpose of pinning down my collar, as the button had +come off the back of my shirt. + +When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing his idiotic joke +about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring with laughter. I suppose I am +losing my sense of humour. I spoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. +Gowing said he had met him only once before that evening. He had been +introduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood” a good dinner, +Gowing wished to show him some little return. Upon my word, Gowing’s +coolness surpasses all belief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and +Gowing unfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted: “Mind +your own business, sir!” and bounced out of the room, slamming the door. +The remainder of the night was Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar. +Oh dear! + +NOVEMBER 26, Sunday.—The curate preached a very good sermon to-day—very +good indeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dear old +vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are much more impressive. A +rather annoying incident occurred, of which I must make mention. Mrs. +Fernlosse, who is quite a grand lady, living in one of those large houses +in the Camden Road, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were all +coming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thought a good deal +of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me so often take round the +plate, especially as she always occupies the corner seat of the pew. She +is a very influential lady, and may have had something of the utmost +importance to say, but unfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong +gust of wind came and blew my hat off into the middle of the road. + +I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty in recovering it. +When I had succeeded in doing so, I found Mrs. Fernlosse had walked on +with some swell friends, and I felt I could not well approach her now, +especially as my hat was smothered with mud. I cannot say how +disappointed I felt. + +In the evening (_Sunday_ evening of all others) I found an impertinent +note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran as follows: + + “DEAR MR. POOTER,—Although your junior by perhaps some twenty or + thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you ought to have a + longer record of the things and ways in this miniature of a planet—I + feel it is just within the bounds of possibility that the wheels of + your life don’t travel so quickly round as those of the humble writer + of these lines. The dandy horse of past days has been known to + overtake the _slow coach_. + + “Do I make myself understood? + + “Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to advise you to accept the + _verb. sap_. Acknowledge your defeat, and take your whipping + gracefully; for remember you threw down the glove, and I cannot claim + to be either mentally or physically a _coward_! + + “_Revenons à nos moutons_. + + “Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MY ART—THE STAGE. + Your life is devoted to commercial pursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’ + My books are of different metal. Your life in the City is + honourable, I admit. _But how different_! Cannot even you see the + ocean between us? A channel that prevents the meeting of our brains + in harmonious accord. Ah! But _chaçun à son goût_. + + “I have registered a vow to mount the steps of fame. I may crawl, I + may slip, I may even falter (we are all weak), but _reach the top + rung of the ladder I will_!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, + for I will shout to the multitudes below: ‘_Vici_!’ For the present + I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown, forsooth, save to a + party of friends, with here and there an enemy. + + “But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is the difference between the + amateur and the professional?’ + + “None!!! + + “Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One is _paid_ for doing what the + other does as skilfully for _nothing_! + + “But I will be _paid_, too! For _I_, contrary to the wishes of my + family and friends, have at last elected to adopt the stage as _my_ + profession. And when the _farce_ craze is over—and, _mark you_, + _that will be soon_—I will make my power known; for I feel—pardon my + apparent conceit—that there is no living man who can play the + hump-backed Richard as I _feel_ and _know_ I can. + + “And _you_ will be the first to come round and bend your head in + submission. There are many matters you may understand, but knowledge + of the fine art of acting is to you an _unknown quantity_. + + “Pray let this discussion cease with this letter. _Vale_! + + Yours truly, + “BURWIN-FOSSELTON.” + +I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him this impertinent +letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter you can see the true character +of your friend.” + +Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed me the letter before he +sent it. I think he is right, and you ought to apologise.” + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +A serious discussion concerning the use and value of my diary. Lupin’s +opinion of ’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is on again. + +DECEMBER 17.—As I open my scribbling diary I find the words “Oxford +Michaelmas Term ends.” Why this should induce me to indulge in +retrospective I don’t know, but it does. The last few weeks of my diary +are of minimum interest. The breaking off of the engagement between +Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him a different being, and Carrie a +rather depressing companion. She was a little dull last Saturday, and I +thought to cheer her up by reading some extracts from my diary; but she +walked out of the room in the middle of the reading, without a word. On +her return, I said: “Did my diary bore you, darling?” + +She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’t listening, dear. I was +obliged to leave to give instructions to the laundress. In consequence +of some stuff she puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirts +have run and he says he won’t wear them.” + +I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s all Lupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was +not a single button on my shirt yesterday, but _I_ made no complaint.” + +Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other men do, and wear +studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but you wear buttons on the +shirt-fronts.” + +I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there were none on.” + +Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls in the +evening, and Cummings never does. I fear they don’t get on well with +Lupin. + +DECEMBER 18.—Yesterday I was in a retrospective vein—to-day it is +_prospective_. I see nothing but clouds, clouds, clouds. Lupin is +perfectly intolerable over the Daisy Mutlar business. He won’t say what +is the cause of the breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, and +yet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear a word against +her. So what is one to do? Another thing which is disappointing to me +is, that Carrie and Lupin take no interest whatever in my diary. + +I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. I said: “I was in +hopes that, if anything ever happened to me, the diary would be an +endless source of pleasure to you both; to say nothing of the chance of +the remuneration which may accrue from its being published.” + +Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie was sorry for this, I +could see, for she said: “I did not mean to be rude, dear Charlie; but +truly I do not think your diary would sufficiently interest the public to +be taken up by a publisher.” + +I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite as interesting as some of the +ridiculous reminiscences that have been published lately. Besides, it’s +the diary that makes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if +it had not been for their diaries?” + +Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeering tone, +said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv., we might get a fair +price from a butterman for it.” + +As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this year will see the +end of my diary. + +DECEMBER 19.—The annual invitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’s +mother—the usual family festive gathering to which we always look +forward. Lupin declined to go. I was astounded, and expressed my +surprise and disgust. Lupin then obliged us with the following Radical +speech: “I hate a family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean? Why +someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who was here last year,’ and +we all begin to snivel. Someone else says: ‘It’s two years since poor +Aunt Liz used to sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivel again. +Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah! I wonder whose turn it will be +next?’ Then we all snivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; +and they don’t discover until _I_ get up that we have been seated +thirteen at dinner.” + +DECEMBER 20.—Went to Smirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this +year have turned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place +to the sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, who seemed to +take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurried glance at them, +throw them down again. I remarked to one of the young persons serving, +that carelessness appeared to be a disease with some purchasers. The +observation was scarcely out of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve +caught against a large pile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the +other, and threw them down. The manager came forward, looking very much +annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, said to one of the +assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me: “Put these amongst the +sixpenny goods; they can’t be sold for a shilling now.” The result was, +I felt it my duty to buy some of these damaged cards. + +I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I did not +examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar card with a +picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white, +and the words: “We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.” I tore up the card and +threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in +Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that we should have +to send out nearly two dozen cards this year. + +DECEMBER 21.—To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the +example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of +the cards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy +all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had the +appointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem over-scrupulous +in his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the +backs of the cards. I asked him why. Lupin said: “Suppose your card is +marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3—and a long +down-stroke after it—in _front_ of the ninepence, and people will think +you have given five times the price for it.” + +In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that +behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: “Ugh! it never shines on +me.” I said: “Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. +Don’t think of her any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on +having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our +simple tastes.” He jumped up and said: “I won’t allow one word to be +uttered against her. She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends put +together, that inflated, sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the +room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat. + +DECEMBER 23.—I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he +seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him +where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: “Oh, most likely +at the Mutlars’.” + +In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement has been broken off?” + +Lupin said: “Who said it is off?” + +I said: “You have given us both to understand—” + +He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what I said. _It is on +again—there_!” + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +I receive an insulting Christmas card. We spend a pleasant Christmas at +Carrie’s mother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. A boisterous evening, +during which I am struck in the dark. I receive an extraordinary letter +from Mr. Mutlar, senior, respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old +Year. + +DECEMBER 24.—I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to +find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this +morning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? The worst +part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends. +The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being written +sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do +such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; +although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathising with the offender. +Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and I don’t think any of the +Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent +clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, or +Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former. + +CHRISTMAS DAY.—We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a +pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice and +pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the +day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, +_un_interfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness +there would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed her +health, and I made, I think, a very good speech. + +I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasion like this—whether +relatives, friends, or acquaintances,—we are all inspired with good +feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of love +and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should +kiss and make it up. Those who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all +the same.” + +I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I +felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy +Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said +he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked +round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course +one did not object to this; but I was more than staggered when a young +fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken +a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of misletoe, and +exclaimed: “Hulloh! I don’t see why I shouldn’t be on in this scene.” +Before one could realise what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and +the rest of the ladies. + +Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it +was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the +result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: +“Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.” I said that he had a very large +moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: “I didn’t say he was not a nice +boy.” + +DECEMBER 26.—I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a +strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this +time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin +came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: “I feel as +fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more ‘oof’ to +feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given up trying +to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it. + +DECEMBER 27.—I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in +to-morrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would +volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: +“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar +to come.” I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: +“Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that a +post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be +so extravagant. + +Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent +annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: “Lupin, why +do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends? Is it because they +are not good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) _she_ is not +good enough for them?” Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. +When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval. + +DECEMBER 28—Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: “I +have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and +Cummings this evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy for this. +Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn +over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one +will know it has been cut.” She further said she would make a few +custards, and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the +evening. + +Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any +personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: “Not in the +least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to +his patronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hat company,’ and wearing a +reach-me-down frock-coat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket +of Gowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerant photographer.” + +I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with +a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their +coats.” + +We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, +especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper, +however, she said: “Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?” and she +commenced rolling up pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the +table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. +Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills at +each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my +astonishment. They then commenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one +piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I said: “Steady, +please; steady!” Frank jumped up and said: “Tum, tum; then the band +played.” + +I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued the +bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold +mutton, and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who +replied: “I say, it’s no good trying to look indignant, with your hair +full of parsley.” I rose from the table, and insisted that a stop should +be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar shouted: “Time, gentlemen, +please! time!” and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness. + +I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a hard +intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: “Who did that?” +There was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the same result. I +struck a match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and laughing, +so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie; +“The person who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here +to-night.” + +DECEMBER 29.—I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on +falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I +heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the +insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my +head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast, +was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank. + +I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. He +did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the +Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the +attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I +asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never +directed to me at all. It was “L. Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked +to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh: “Oh +yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.” + +I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?” +He replied: “Oh yes, and of _sending_ them, too.” + +In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last +night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about +the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it +was _your head_, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I +thought it was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of +the expression. + +DECEMBER 30, Sunday.—Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He +seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to see you so +happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was +obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with his +meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing +economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, +writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the +last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of +the fireplace, and his general ‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was +compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.” I said: “Lupin, you are not +much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.” + +DECEMBER 31.—The last day of the Old Year. I received an extraordinary +letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For a long time +past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question, +‘Who is the master of my own house? Myself, or _your son_ Lupin?’ +Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have been +most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effect that I am the +master of it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid +your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of +the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly +persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.” + +I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing +to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter. + +A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised +to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom we have always observed. +At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful. +As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding +on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. +As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, +evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, +and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I +said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary +argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a +quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we +missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter-past two, +having got lost in the fog—so he said. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + +Begin the year with an unexpected promotion at the office. I make two +good jokes. I get an enormous rise in my salary. Lupin speculates +successfully and starts a pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. +Extraordinary conduct of Gowing’s. + +JANUARY 1.—I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a most +important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while +longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary. It +had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the +office to have my dinner, when I received a message that Mr. Perkupp +desired to see me at once. I must confess that my heart commenced to +beat and I had most serious misgivings. + +Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Take a seat, Mr. +Pooter, I shall not be a moment.” + +I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.” + +I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty +minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp at last got up himself. + +I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?” + +He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.” What a weight off +my mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant. + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, and there will be +some slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly +twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period, +we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quite +decided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be a +considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for +me to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you +shall hear more to-morrow.” + +He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought +to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say how +dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said: +“At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back +drawing-room, which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and at last you +shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson’s so +cheap.” + +JANUARY 2.—I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. I +did not like to worry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and +mentioned yesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it +better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering, +Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr. Pooter; do you want to see me?” I +said: “No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!” “Oh!” he replied, “I +remember. Well, I am very busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.” + +JANUARY 3.—Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not +alleviated by ascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at +the office to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a +paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you know anything about _chalk pits_, +Guv.?” I said: “No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.” Lupin said: “Well, +I give you the tip; _chalk pits_ are as safe as Consols, and pay six per +cent. at par.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “They may be six per +cent. at _par_, but your _pa_ has no money to invest.” Carrie and I both +roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the +joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: “I give +you the tip, that’s all—_chalk pits_!” I said another funny thing: “Mind +you don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said: +“Bravo! Joe Miller.” + +JANUARY 4.—Mr. Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be +that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. +Perkupp added, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary would be. +This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the +right sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin +about the letter I received from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the +subject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin +was riveted to the _Financial News_, as if he had been a born capitalist, +and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to +the Mutlars’ any day this week?” + +Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.” + +I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot +stand you!” + +Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing to _you_. I’ll find out +if his father is still alive, and I will write _him_ a note complaining +of _his_ son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering +idiot!” + +I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your +mother.” + +Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one can +apply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.” + +I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you the house.” + +Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t split straws—it’s all the same. Daisy is +a trump, and will wait for me ten years, if necessary.” + +JANUARY 5.—I can scarcely write the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary +would be raised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable to realise it. +I annually get £10 rise, and I thought it might be £15 or even £20; but +£100 surpasses all belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our good +fortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost good spirits. I +sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’s for a bottle of champagne, the +same as we had before, “Jackson Frères.” It was opened at supper, and I +said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate some good news I have received +to-day.” Lupin replied: “Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; +a double event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a result of twenty-one years’ +industry and strict attention to the interests of my superiors in office, +I have been rewarded with promotion and a rise in salary of £100.” + +Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously, which brought +in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupin ordered us to “fill up” +again, and addressing us upstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of +Job Cleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not having paid +particular attention to the interests of my superiors in office, my +Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5 worth of shares in a really +good thing. The result is, to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin, +you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the good old truth; Job Cleanands _put +me on to Chlorates_.” + +JANUARY 21.—I am very much concerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. +I said: “Lupin, are you justified in this outrageous extravagance?” +Lupin replied: “Well, one must get to the City somehow. I’ve only hired +it, and can give it up any time I like.” I repeated my question: “Are +you justified in this extravagance?” He replied: “Look here, Guv., +excuse me saying so, but you’re a bit out of date. It does not pay +nowadays, fiddling about over small things. I don’t mean anything +personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I take his tip, and stick to big +things, I can make big money!” I said I thought the very idea of +speculation most horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation, it’s a +dead cert.” I advised him, at all events, not to continue the pony and +cart; but he replied: “I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make +£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which is ridiculously +low—why, that is £1,250 a year. What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?” + +I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that I should feel +glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of age and responsible for +his own debts. He answered: “My dear Guv., I promise you faithfully that +I will never speculate with what I have not got. I shall only go on Job +Cleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ it is pretty safe sailing.” +I felt somewhat relieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my +surprise, informed me that, as he had made £10 by one of Lupin’s tips, he +intended asking us and the Cummings round next Saturday. Carrie and I +said we should be delighted. + +JANUARY 22.—I don’t generally lose my temper with servants; but I had to +speak to Sarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recently +contracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing the breakfast +things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fall on the carpet, +eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answered very rudely: “Oh, you are +always complaining.” I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you last +week about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a piece of +yellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said: “And you’re always +grumbling about your breakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feel +perfectly justified in complaining that I never can get a hard-boiled +egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts all over the plate, and I +have spoken to you at least fifty times about it.” She began to cry and +make a scene; but fortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse for +leaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that we were not to +forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said: “As he has never asked any +friends before, we are not likely to forget it.” + +JANUARY 23.—I asked Lupin to try and change the hard brushes, he recently +made me a present of, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I +ought not to brush my hair too much just now. + +JANUARY 24.—The new chimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. +Carrie arranged some fans very prettily on the top and on each side. It +is an immense improvement to the room. + +JANUARY 25.—We had just finished our tea, when who should come in but +Cummings, who has not been here for over three weeks. I noticed that he +looked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, how are you? You +look a little blue.” He replied: “Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: +“Why, what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh, nothing, except that I have been +on my back for a couple of weeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor +nearly gave me up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has even +taken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive or dead.” + +I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. I have passed your house +several nights, and presumed you had company, as the rooms were so +brilliantly lighted.” + +Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have had was my wife, the +doctor, and the landlady—the last-named having turned out a perfect +trump. I wonder you did not see it in the paper. I know it was +mentioned in the _Bicycle News_.” + +I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are all right now?” + +He replied: “That’s not the question. The question is whether an illness +does not enable you to discover who are your _true_ friends.” + +I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To make matters worse, +in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slap on the back, and said: +“Hulloh! Have you seen a ghost? You look scared to death, like Irving +in _Macbeth_.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, the poor fellow has been very +ill.” Gowing roared with laughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.” +Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—not that I suppose you +care.” + +An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Never mind, Cummings, you and +the missis come round to my place to-morrow, and it will cheer you up a +bit; for we’ll open a bottle of wine.” + +JANUARY 26.—An extraordinary thing happened. Carrie and I went round to +Gowing’s, as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rang several +times without getting an answer. At last the latch was drawn and the +door opened a little way, the chain still being up. A man in +shirt-sleeves put his head through and said: “Who is it? What do you +want?” I said: “Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said (as well +as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog): “I don’t think he +is. Mr. Gowing is not at home.” I said: “He will be in directly.” + +With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie and me standing +on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round the corner. + +Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and then discovered for the +first time that the knocker had been newly painted, and the paint had +come off on my gloves—which were, in consequence, completely spoiled. + +I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times. + +The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, and began +abusing me. He said: “What do you mean by scratching the paint with your +stick like that, spoiling the varnish? You ought to be ashamed of +yourself.” + +I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—” + +He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr. Gowing, or any of his +friends. This is _my_ door, not Mr. Gowing’s. There are people here +besides Mr. Gowing.” + +The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcely noticed it, it was +so trivial in comparison with the scandalous conduct of Gowing. + +At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummings was very lame and +leaning on a stick; but got up the steps and asked what the matter was. + +The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expecting anyone. All he +said was he had just received an invitation to Croydon, and he should not +be back till Monday evening. He took his bag with him.” + +With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignant with Gowing’s +conduct to say anything. Cummings looked white with rage, and as he +descended the steps struck his stick violently on the ground and said: +“Scoundrel!” + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + +Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takes us for a drive, which we don’t +enjoy. Lupin introduces us to Mr. Murray Posh. + +FEBRUARY 8.—It does seem hard I cannot get good sausages for breakfast. +They are either full of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Still +anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’s advice. However, +Cummings has done the same. + +FEBRUARY 9.—Exactly a fortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor +heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round +to his house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie was engaged +marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased. I’ll back Carrie’s +marking against anybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, and +Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in. + +He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking the collars. I +asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and he replied that he had not. I +said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an +ungentlemanly manner. Cummings said: “You are mild in your description +of him; I think he has acted like a cad.” + +The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened, and +Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I come in?” I said: “Certainly.” +Carrie said very pointedly: “Well, you _are_ a stranger.” Gowing said: +“Yes, I’ve been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” I +could see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackled Gowing +very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturday week. Gowing appeared +surprised, and said: “Why, I posted a letter to you in the morning +announcing that the party was ‘off, very much off.’” I said: “I never +got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie, said: “I suppose letters sometimes +_miscarry_, don’t they, _Mrs._ Carrie?” Cummings sharply said: “This is +not a time for joking. I had no notice of the party being put off.” +Gowing replied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was in a +hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office, and we must meet again +at my place.” I added that I hoped he would be present at the next +meeting. Carrie roared at this, and even Cummings could not help +laughing. + +FEBRUARY 10, Sunday.—Contrary to my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to +persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I +quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trust +Carrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupin said: “Now, that +is nice of you, Guv., but you won’t mind sitting on the back-seat of the +cart?” + +Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed miles too large +for him. Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back. +Lupin said: “Haven’t you seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive in +anything else.” + +He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him +again. His conduct was shocking. When we passed Highgate Archway, he +tried to pass everything and everybody. He shouted to respectable people +who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked at +the horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and, as I had +to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a +donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turned and followed us for +nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarse jokes and laughter, to say +nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange-peel. + +Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with the +same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby—was of little consolation to +either Carrie or myself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin +went out with him. + +FEBRUARY 11.—Feeling a little concerned about Lupin, I mustered up +courage to speak to Mr. Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been +most kind to me, so I told him everything, including yesterday’s +adventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is no necessity for you to +be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would be impossible for a son of such good +parents to turn out erroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon get +older. I wish we could find room for him in this firm.” The advice of +this good man takes loads off my mind. In the evening Lupin came in. + +After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, I have some news, +which I fear will affect you considerably.” I felt a qualm come over me, +and said nothing. Lupin then said: “It may distress you—in fact, I’m +sure it will—but this afternoon I have given up my pony and trap for +ever.” It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened a +bottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringing with him a +large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, which he fastened against +the wall. He then produced several separate tails, and we spent the +remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the +proper place. My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to +bed. + +FEBRUARY 12.—In the evening I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with +Daisy Mutlar. I asked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; she +promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not +communicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; in fact, he said he +might call again this evening.” Frank called, but said he could not +stop, as he had a friend waiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, +adding he was quite a swell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in. + +He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr. Murray Posh was +a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of a very nervous disposition, +as he subsequently confessed he would never go in a hansom cab, nor would +he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box with +his reins in his hands. + +On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact, said: “Any +relation to ‘Posh’s three-shilling hats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; but +please understand I don’t try on hats myself. I take no _active_ part in +the business.” I replied: “I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Posh +seemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history of the +extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats. + +Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way he +was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once, laughingly: “If you +don’t look out, Posh will cut you out!” When they had all gone, I +referred to this flippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “A +man who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man who would be +jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt for +himself. I know Daisy. She _would_ wait ten years for me, as I said +before; in fact, if necessary, _she would wait twenty years for me_.” + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + + +We lose money over Lupin’s advice as to investment, so does Cummings. +Murray Posh engaged to Daisy Mutlar. + +FEBRUARY 18.—Carrie has several times recently called attention to the +thinness of my hair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it +seen to. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small +hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of +drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it. Carrie was +in an awful way about it, as she is rather absurdly superstitious. To +make matters worse, my large photograph in the drawing-room fell during +the night, and the glass cracked. + +Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune is about to +happen.” + +I said: “Nonsense, dear.” + +In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a little agitated. I +said: “What’s up, my boy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said: “You +know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you to invest £20 in?” I +replied: “Yes, they are all right, I trust?” He replied: “Well, no! To +the surprise of everybody, they have utterly collapsed.” + +My breath was so completely taken away, I could say nothing. Carrie +looked at me, and said: “What did I tell you?” Lupin, after a while, +said: “However, you are specially fortunate. I received an early tip, +and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate to get £2 for them. So +you get something after all.” + +I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not so sanguine as to suppose, +as you predicted, that I should get six or eight times the amount of my +investment; still a profit of £2 is a good percentage for such a short +time.” Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’t understand. I sold your +£20 shares for £2; you therefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby +Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.” + +FEBRUARY 19.—Lupin, before going to town, said: “I am very sorry about +those Parachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, Job +Cleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you must not be +surprised if something goes wrong at our office. Job Cleanands has not +been seen the last few days, and it strikes me several people _do_ want +to see him very particularly.” + +In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a +collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, +without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, “May I come in?” + +He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the +very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, +but he did so of his own accord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka +Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master Lupin. +How much do you lose?” Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: “Oh! I +had nothing in them. There was some informality in my application—I +forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any. The +Guv. loses £18.” I said: “I quite understood you were in it, or nothing +would have induced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well, it can’t be +helped; you must go double on the next tip.” Before I could reply, +Gowing said: “Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I +did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £15 +worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.” + +Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: “Alas, +poor Cummings. He’ll lose £35.” At that moment there was a ring at the +bell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meet Cummings.” If he had gone out +of the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as +possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up +suddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see him either!” and, before I +could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window. + +For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most +intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of +interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was +naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a +little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would like +a little “Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. +I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some. + +FEBRUARY 20.—The first thing that caught my eye on opening the _Standard_ +was—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers! Mr. Job Cleanands +absconded!” I handed it to Carrie, and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s +for Lupin’s good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him.” I +thought the whole affair very shocking. + +Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, +I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.” +Lupin said: “How did you know? who told you?” I handed him the +_Standard_. He threw the paper down, and said: “Oh I don’t care a button +for that! I expected that, but I did not expect this.” He then read a +letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar +is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, “Murray Posh! +Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last +Tuesday week?” Lupin said: “Yes; the ‘_Posh’s-three-shilling-hats_’ +chap.” + +We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence. + +In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannot +and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will +do without anything. + +When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I +asked him what it meant. He replied: “Oh! only a little +consolation—still it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by +_my_ advice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in Parachikka Chlorates!” + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realised. +Mr. Perkupp takes Lupin into the office. + +MARCH 20.—To-day being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh +are to be married, Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at +Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he +declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so many +music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about it. At the +present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some +nonsense about “What’s the matter with Gladstone? He’s all right! +What’s the matter with Lupin? He’s all right!” _I_ don’t think either +of them is. In the evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of +conversation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: “I was glad +the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin.” +Gowing, with his usual good taste, said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a +fool of himself without any assistance.” Carrie very properly resented +this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry. + +MARCH 21.—To-day I shall conclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest +days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact, of many +years—has been realised. This morning came a letter from Mr. Perkupp, +asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin’s +room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. +He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day +in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to neglect to take +his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr. Perkupp’s letter, and he got up +as quickly as possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured +clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking. + +Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could +keep on saying was: “Oh, I _do_ hope it will be all right.” For myself, +I could scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and +looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. +Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice, Lupin.” Lupin +replied: “Yes, it’s a good make-up, isn’t it? A +regular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior- +clerk.” He laughed rather ironically. + +In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to +fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found Lupin in a +fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: “Lupin, my boy, what +are you doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be glad to +have it.” Lupin replied: “I would not insult any poor fellow by giving +it to him.” + +When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside +“Posh’s Patent.” Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before +we reached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was with him +nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I +said: “Well, Lupin, how about Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song: +“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all right!” I felt instinctively +my boy was engaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could not speak. He +said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what is it?” I must have looked a fool, for all +I could say was: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” He looked at me for +a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter, _you_ are the good man; and we’ll +see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example.” I +said: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any more to-day.” + +My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was as +much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the ’bus; in fact, I +should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who +was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of +taking up too much room. + +In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his +wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of +“Jackson Frères,” which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s +health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in the +same office as myself—we can go down together by the ’bus, come home +together, and who knows but in the course of time he may take great +interest in our little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here +or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In the +summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and assist +us to paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in some more +enamel paint.) All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand +happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after +fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dear Carrie, and +myself. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am +let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd +invitation to Southend. + +APRIL 8.—No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly +recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me +nine-and-sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the +mud. It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. +The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the +office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the +ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out: “Stop that +knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr. Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt, +took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon, +it is Mr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all the morning.” To +make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk. I thought it +wiser to say nothing. I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if +they would take it back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full +price returned, but was willing to take half. The man said he could not +do that—buying and selling were two different things. Lupin’s conduct +during the period he has been in Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most +exemplary. My only fear is, it is too good to last. + +APRIL 9.—Gowing called, bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and +myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought +would be a swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime) +had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness, and he stayed +to supper, an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the +sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (of Sutton) had sent as a present. +Gowing sipped the wine, observing that he had never tasted it before, and +further remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands. +I told him it was a present from a dear friend, and one mustn’t look a +gift-horse in the mouth. Gowing facetiously replied: “And he didn’t like +putting it in the mouth either.” + +I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but on tasting it +myself, came to the conclusion there was some justification for them. +The sparkling Algéra is very like cider, only more sour. I suggested +that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied: +“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a very pleasant game of cards, though I +lost four shillings and Carrie lost one, and Gowing said he had lost +about sixpence: how he could have lost, considering that Carrie and I +were the only other players, remains a mystery. + +APRIL 14, Sunday.—Owing, I presume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke +with a feeling that my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. +Walking round the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of our +congregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed to find a +large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path, evidently thrown over +by those young Griffin boys next door; who, whenever we have friends, +climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory, tap at the windows, +making faces, whistling, and imitating birds. + +APRIL 15.—Burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce, through +that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on +the table. + +APRIL 16.—The night of the East Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, +Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the +Mansion House, for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr. +Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary Artillery Company, +would in all probability be present. Lupin, in his usual +incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard it was a “bounders’ +ball.” I didn’t ask him what he meant though I didn’t understand. Where +he gets these expressions from I don’t know; he certainly doesn’t learn +them at home. + +The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if we arrived an +hour later we should be in good time, without being “unfashionable,” as +Mrs. James says. It was very difficult to find—the cabman having to get +down several times to inquire at different public-houses where the Drill +Hall was. I wonder at people living in such out-of-the-way places. No +one seemed to know it. However, after going up and down a good many +badly-lighted streets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it +was so far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, who only +grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, and was +impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a +’bus. + +Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, but that it was +better late than never. He seemed a very good-looking gentleman though, +as Carrie remarked, “rather short for an officer.” He begged to be +excused for leaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we +should make ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walked round +the rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing. I couldn’t +find a single person I knew, but attributed it to most of them being in +uniform. As we were entering the supper-room I received a slap on the +shoulder, followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr. Padge, I +believe;” he replied, “That’s right.” + +I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who made herself at +home with Carrie at once. + +There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty of champagne, +claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to be done regardless of +expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, I admit, I have no particular liking +for, but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew, that I asked him +to sit at our table, and I must say that for a short fat man he looked +well in uniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back. +It was the only supper-room that I have been in that was not +over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there, everybody being so +busy dancing. + +I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who said her name +was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handed the bottle to Mr. +Padge to do likewise, saying: “You must look after yourself.” He +replied: “That’s right,” and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie’s +health, coupled, as he said, “with her worthy lord and master.” We all +had some splendid pigeon pie, and ices to follow. + +The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would like some more +wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr. Padge, also some people +who had just come from the dancing-room, who were very civil. It +occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in +the City, as they were so polite. I made myself useful, and assisted +several ladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There is nothing +lost by civility.” + +The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into the ball-room. +The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxious to see the dancing, and +as I had not quite finished my supper, Mr. Padge offered his arms to them +and escorted them to the ball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. +Padge: “It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr. Padge +replied: “That’s right.” + +When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, the waiter who had +been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder. +I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but +nevertheless gave a shilling, as he had been very attentive. He +smilingly replied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,” alluding to +the shilling. “Your party’s had four suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at +1s., three bottles of champagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a +sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!” + +I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, and had only sufficient +breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation, to which +he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that; but that the +invitation didn’t include eatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was +standing at the bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured me +it was quite correct. + +The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under any +misapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course there was nothing +to be done but to pay. So, after turning out my pockets, I just managed +to scrape up sufficient, all but nine shillings; but the manager, on my +giving my card to him, said: “That’s all right.” + +I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life, and I determined to +keep this misfortune from Carrie, for it would entirely destroy the +pleasant evening she was enjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment +for me that evening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin. +Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs. Lupkin, as we were +wishing her “Good-night,” asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit +to Southend? On my replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, she +very kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down and stay at our place?” +As her invitation was so pressing, and observing that Carrie wished to +go, we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week, and stay till +Monday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow, giving us the +address and particulars of trains, etc. + +When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard that the roads +resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in +getting a cabman to take us to Holloway. After waiting a bit, a man said +he would drive us, anyhow, as far as “The Angel,” at Islington, and we +could easily get another cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the +rain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the +cab. + +When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemed tired out. Carrie got +out and ran into a doorway, and when I came to pay, to my absolute horror +I remembered I had no money, nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman +how we were situated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted; the +cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober, called me +every name he could lay his tongue to, and positively seized me by the +beard, which he pulled till the tears came into my eyes. I took the +number of a policeman (who witnessed the assault) for not taking the man +in charge. The policeman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen no +assault, and that people should not ride in cabs without money. + +We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, and when I got +in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman, word for word, as I +intend writing to the _Telegraph_ for the purpose of proposing that cabs +should be driven only by men under Government control, to prevent +civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I +had had to endure. + +APRIL 17.—No water in our cistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he +would soon remedy that, the cistern being zinc. + +APRIL 18.—Water all right again in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, +called in the afternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the +drawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles all over it, +as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion. It was Mrs. James’ +suggestion, and of course Carrie always does what Mrs. James suggests. +For my part, I preferred the mantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a +plain man, and don’t pretend to be in the fashion. + +APRIL 19.—Our next-door neighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather +offensive tone accused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in his cistern +and letting out his water to supply our cistern, which adjoined his. He +said he should have his repaired, and send us in the bill. + +APRIL 20.—Cummings called, hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been +on his back for a week. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom +door, which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknown to +him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got between the +door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling the door hard, to give it +an extra slam, the handle came off in his hands, and he fell backwards +downstairs. + +On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed out +of the room sideways. Cummings looked very indignant, and remarked it +was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back; and though I had my +suspicions that Lupin was laughing, I assured Cummings that he had only +run out to open the door to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was +the second time he had been laid up, and we had never sent to inquire. I +said I knew nothing about it. Cummings said: “It was mentioned in the +_Bicycle News_.” + +APRIL 22.—I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a +good deal with an instrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she +replied: “Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’s all the fashion now.” I +said: “I suppose Mrs. James introduced that into your head.” Carrie +laughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does it now.” + +I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house. Whenever she does she +always introduces some new-fandangled rubbish into Carrie’s head. One of +these days I feel sure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure it +was Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate-coloured paper +with white ink. Nonsense! + +APRIL 23.—Received a letter from Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the +train to come by on Saturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay +with her. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay at our house; we +shall charge you half what you will have to pay at the Royal, and the +view is every bit as good.” Looking at the address at the top of the +note-paper, I found it was “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.” + +I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline her kind +invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical, and to the point. + +By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern at night. I ordered +a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards’, and chose the pattern by +gaslight, and they seemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with +white stripes down. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, I +found it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot of green with +bright yellow-coloured stripes. + +I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling. She said: +“What mixture did you say you asked for?” + +I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.” + +Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if you want to know the +truth.” + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + + +Meet Teddy Finsworth, an old schoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet +dinner at his uncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my part +respecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. A discussion on dreams. + +APRIL 27.—Kept a little later than usual at the office, and as I was +hurrying along a man stopped me, saying: “Hulloh! That’s a face I know.” +I replied politely: “Very likely; lots of people know me, although I may +not know them.” He replied: “But you know me—Teddy Finsworth.” So it +was. He was at the same school with me. I had not seen him for years +and years. No wonder I did not know him! At school he was at least a +head taller than I was; now I am at least a head taller than he is, and +he has a thick beard, almost grey. He insisted on my having a glass of +wine (a thing I never do), and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he +was Deputy Town Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk of +London—in fact, higher. He added that he was staying for a few days in +London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar Paul Finsworth (of Finsworth and +Pultwell). He said he was sure his uncle would be only too pleased to +see me, and he had a nice house, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk +from Muswell Hill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted. + +In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very nice letter from +Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) would dine with them +to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he would be delighted. Carrie did +not like to go; but Teddy Finsworth pressed us so much we consented. +Carrie sent Sarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-leg +of mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow. + +APRIL 28, Sunday.—We found Watney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, +and only arrived as the clock struck two, both feeling hot and +uncomfortable. To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward +to receive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie, covering her +light skirt, which she was wearing for the first time, with mud. Teddy +Finsworth came out and drove the dog off and apologised. We were shown +into the drawing-room, which was beautifully decorated. It was full of +knick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. There were several +little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them; also a white wooden +banjo, painted by one of Mr. Paul Finsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s. + +Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-looking elderly +gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. There were a great many +water-colours hanging on the walls, mostly different views of India, +which were very bright. Mr. Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” +and added that he was no judge of pictures himself but had been informed +on good authority that they were worth some hundreds of pounds, although +he had only paid a few shillings apiece for them, frames included, at a +sale in the neighbourhood. + +There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, done in coloured +crayons. It looked like a religious subject. I was very much struck +with the lace collar, it looked so real, but I unfortunately made the +remark that there was something about the expression of the face that was +not quite pleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworth sorrowfully +replied: “Yes, the face was done after death—my wife’s sister.” + +I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in a whisper said I +hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We both stood looking at the picture +for a few minutes in silence, when Mr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief +and said: “She was sitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his nose +violently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look at something +else and stood in front of a portrait of a jolly-looking middle-aged +gentleman, with a red face and straw hat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who +is this jovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn’t seem to trouble him +much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, it doesn’t. _He is dead too_—my +brother.” + +I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness. Fortunately at this +moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth, who had taken her upstairs to +take off her bonnet and brush her skirt. Teddy said: “Short is late,” +but at that moment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was +introduced to him by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr. Short?” I +replied, smiling, that I had not that pleasure, but I hoped it would not +be long before I knew Mr. _Short_. He evidently did not see my little +joke, although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. I suddenly +remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhaps _very particular_. +In this I was mistaken, for he was not at all particular in several of +his remarks after dinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his +observations that I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that I +feared she found Mr. Short occasionally a little embarrassing. To my +surprise she said: “Oh! he is privileged you know.” I did not know as a +matter of fact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr. +Short should be privileged. + +Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the collie dog, which +jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under the dining-room table. +It kept growling and snapping at my boots every time I moved my foot. +Feeling nervous rather, I spoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and +she remarked: “It is only his play.” She jumped up and let in a +frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had been scratching +at the door. This dog also seemed to take a fancy to my boots, and I +discovered afterwards that it had licked off every bit of blacking from +them. I was positively ashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, +who, I must say, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! we are used +to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.” + +Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I question whether it is a +good thing to take on the top of beer. It made me feel a little sleepy, +while it had the effect of inducing Mr. Short to become “privileged” to +rather an alarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was a +fire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddy and I +waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which had the effect of +sending all the others to sleep. I was delighted, as far as Mr. Short +was concerned, that it did have that effect on him. + +We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only for the fact +that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of my boots. Polished +them myself when I got home. Went to church in the evening, and could +scarcely keep awake. I will not take port on the top of beer again. + +APRIL 29.—I am getting quite accustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I +do not mind being sat upon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain +amount of right to do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by +wife, son, and both my guests. + +Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and I suddenly +remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nights ago, and I thought I +would tell them about it. I dreamt I saw some huge blocks of ice in a +shop with a bright glare behind them. I walked into the shop and the +heat was overpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were on fire. The +whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural I woke up in a cold +perspiration. Lupin in a most contemptuous manner, said: “What utter +rot.” + +Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing so completely +uninteresting as other people’s dreams. + +I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree with the others +and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said: “It seemed so real to +me.” Gowing replied: “Yes, to _you_ perhaps, but not to _us_.” +Whereupon they all roared. + +Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells me his stupid dreams +every morning nearly.” I replied: “Very well, dear, I promise you I will +never tell you or anybody else another dream of mine the longest day I +live.” Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” and helped himself to another glass of +beer. The subject was fortunately changed, and Cummings read a most +interesting article on the superiority of the bicycle to the horse. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + + +Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle. + +MAY 10.—Received a letter from Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to +dine with him to-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, a +very clever writer for the American papers. Franching apologised for the +short notice; but said he had at the last moment been disappointed of two +of his guests and regarded us as old friends who would not mind filling +up the gap. Carrie rather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to +her that Franching was very well off and influential, and we could not +afford to offend him. “And we are sure to get a good dinner and a good +glass of champagne.” “Which never agrees with you!” Carrie replied, +sharply. I regarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr. Franching asked +us to wire a reply. As he had said nothing about dress in the letter, I +wired back: “With pleasure. Is it full dress?” and by leaving out our +name, just got the message within the sixpence. + +Got back early to give time to dress, which we received a telegram +instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet me at Franching’s house; +but she would not do so, so I had to go home to fetch her. What a long +journey it is from Holloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long +way off? Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty of time—in fact, too +much; for we arrived at twenty minutes to seven, and Franching, so the +servant said, had only just gone up to dress. However, he was down as +the clock struck seven; he must have dressed very quickly. + +I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although we did not +know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quite swells. Franching +had got a professional waiter, and evidently spared no expense. There +were flowers on the table round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must +say, was exquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty of champagne, +concerning which Franching said he himself, never wished to taste better. +We were ten in number, and a _menû_ card to each. One lady said she +always preserved the _menû_ and got the guests to write their names on +the back. + +We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who was of course +the important guest. + +The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. Hardfur Huttle, Mr. and +Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs. Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. +R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pooter. Franching +said he was sorry he had no lady for me to take in to dinner. I replied +that I preferred it, which I afterwards thought was a very +uncomplimentary observation to make. + +I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed a well-informed lady, but +was very deaf. It did not much matter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all +the talking. He is a marvellously intellectual man and says things which +from other people would seem quite alarming. How I wish I could remember +even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. I made a few little +reminding notes on the _menû_ card. + +One observation struck me as being absolutely powerful—though not to my +way of thinking of course. Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are +certainly unorthodox, Mr. Huttle.” Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar +expression (I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs. Purdick, +‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implying sticking-in-the-mud. If +Columbus and Stephenson had been orthodox, there would neither have been +the discovery of America nor the steam-engine.” There was quite a +silence. It appeared to me that such teaching was absolutely dangerous, +and yet I felt—in fact we must all have felt—there was no answer to the +argument. A little later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sister and +also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttle said: “Why, +ladies, do you deprive us of your company so soon? Why not wait while we +have our cigars?” + +The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie) were in no way +inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’s fascinating society, and +immediately resumed their seats, amid much laughter and a little chaff. +Mr. Huttle said: “Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not be +insulted by being called orthodox any longer.” Mrs. Purdick, who seemed +to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said: “Mr. Huttle, we will meet +you half-way—that is, till you get half-way through your cigar. That, at +all events, will be the happy medium.” + +I shall never forget the effect the words, “happy medium,” had upon him. +He was brilliant and most daring in his interpretation of the words. He +positively alarmed me. He said something like the following: “Happy +medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happy medium’ are two words which mean +‘miserable mediocrity’? I say, go first class or third; marry a duchess +or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium means respectability, and +respectability means insipidness. Does it not, Mr. Pooter?” + +I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that I could only +bow apologetically, and say I feared I was not competent to offer an +opinion. Carrie was about to say something; but she was interrupted, for +which I was rather pleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one +has to be extra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle. + +He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made his unwelcome opinions +positively convincing: “The happy medium is nothing more or less than a +vulgar half-measure. A man who loves champagne and, finding a pint too +little, fears to face a whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial +pint, will never build a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he is +half-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—in fact, a happy medium, +and will spend the rest of his days in a suburban villa with a +stucco-column portico, resembling a four-post bedstead.” + +We all laughed. + +“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle, “belongs to a soft man, with +a soft beard with a soft head, with a made tie that hooks on.” + +This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself looking in the +glass of the cheffonière; for _I_ had on a tie that hooked on—and why +not? If these remarks were not personal they were rather careless, and +so were some of his subsequent observations, which must have made both +Mr. Franching and his guests rather uncomfortable. I don’t think Mr. +Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “We don’t know that class here +in this country: but we do in America, and I’ve no use for them.” + +Franching several times suggested that the wine should be passed round +the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; but continued as if he were +giving a lecture: + +“What we want in America is your homes. We live on wheels. Your simple, +quiet life and home, Mr. Franching, are charming. No display, no +pretension! You make no difference in your dinner, I dare say, when you +sit down by yourself and when you invite us. You have your own personal +attendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of your head.” + +I saw Franching palpably wince at this. + +Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a few good things, such +as you have this evening. You don’t insult your guests by sending to +the grocer for champagne at six shillings a bottle.” + +I could not help thinking of “Jackson Frères” at three-and-six! + +“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is little less than a murderer who +does. That is the province of the milksop, who wastes his evening at +home playing dominoes with his wife. I’ve heard of these people. We +don’t want them at this table. Our party is well selected. We’ve no use +for deaf old women, who cannot follow intellectual conversation.” + +All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, being deaf, did +not hear his remarks; but continued smiling approval. + +“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’s table,” said Mr. Huttle, +“of the unenlightened frivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance +at Bayswater and fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her; +it has no use for her.” + +Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity was afforded for the +ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franching quietly to excuse me, as I did not +wish to miss the last train, which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through +Carrie having mislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when +we go out. + +It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on entering the +sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr. Hardfur Huttle?” +She simply answered: “How like Lupin!” The same idea occurred to me in +the train. The comparison kept me awake half the night. Mr. Huttle was, +of course, an older and more influential man; but he _was_ like Lupin, +and it made me think how dangerous Lupin would be if he were older and +more influential. I feel proud to think Lupin _does_ resemble Mr. Huttle +in some ways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimes +wonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are so dangerous. They make +men extremely rich or extremely poor. They make or break men. I always +feel people are happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. I +believe _I_ am happy because I am not ambitious. Somehow I feel that +Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp, has become content to settle +down and follow the footsteps of his father. This is a comfort. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + + +Lupin is discharged. We are in great trouble. Lupin gets engaged +elsewhere at a handsome salary. + +MAY 13.—A terrible misfortune has happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. +Perkupp’s office; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. I was +away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absent through +illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisoned by some lobster. Mr. +Perkupp was also absent, as Fate would have it; and our most valued +customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went to the office in a rage, and withdrew his +custom. My boy Lupin not only had the assurance to receive him, but +recommended him the firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my own +humble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son, this +seems an act of treachery. + +This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing me that Lupin’s +services are no longer required, and an interview with me is desired at +eleven o’clock. I went down to the office with an aching heart, dreading +an interview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had a word. I saw +nothing of Lupin in the morning. He had not got up when it was time for +me to leave, and Carrie said I should do no good by disturbing him. My +mind wandered so at the office that I could not do my work properly. + +As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and the following +conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it. + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! This is a very serious +business. I am not referring so much to the dismissal of your son, for I +knew we should have to part sooner or later. _I_ am the head of this +old, influential, and much-respected firm; and when _I_ consider the time +has come to revolutionise the business, _I_ will do it myself.” + +I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said: “I hope, +sir, you do not imagine that I have in any way countenanced my son’s +unwarrantable interference?” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat and took my +hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soon suspect myself as suspect +you.” I was so agitated that in the confusion, to show my gratitude I +very nearly called him a “grand old man.” + +Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a “grand old +master.” I was so unaccountable for my actions that I sat down, leaving +him standing. Of course, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit +down, which I was very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said: “You +will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standing nature of our firm +will not admit of our bending to anybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to +put his work into other hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it is not +for us to bend and beg back his custom.” “You _shall_ not do it, sir,” I +said with indignation. “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp; “I shall _not_ do +it. But I was thinking this, Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most +valued client, and I will even confess—for I know this will not go beyond +ourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him, especially in +these times, which are not of the brightest. Now, I fancy you can be of +service.” + +I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night to serve you!” + +Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what I should like you to do is +this. You yourself might write to Mr. Crowbillon—you must not, of +course, lead him to suppose I know anything about your doing so—and +explain to him that your son was only taken on as a clerk—quite an +inexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm had for you, Mr. +Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. I don’t suggest that you should +speak in too strong terms of your own son’s conduct; but I may add, that +had he been a son of mine, I should have condemned his interference with +no measured terms. That I leave to you. I think the result will be that +Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of the foolish step he has taken, and +our firm will neither suffer in dignity nor in pocket.” + +I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkupp is. His +manners and his way of speaking seem to almost thrill one with respect. + +I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I send it?” + +Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not. I am supposed to know +nothing about it, and I have every confidence in you. You must write the +letter carefully. We are not very busy; you had better take the morning +to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall be here myself all day +to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr. Crowbillon should call.” + +I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarah that I +could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in fact anybody, if they +called in the evening. Lupin came into the parlour for a moment with a +new hat on, and asked my opinion of it. I said I was not in the mood to +judge of hats, and I did not think he was in a position to buy a new one. +Lupin replied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was a present.” + +I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcely like to ask +him questions, as I dread the answers so. He, however, saved me the +trouble. + +He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did not quite think a +friend at the time; but it’s all right. As he wisely said, ‘all is fair +in love and war,’ and there was no reason why we should not be friends +still. He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a very +different stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.” + +I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult to injury.” + +Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat, I have done no +injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of a stagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, +and made the change on his own account. I simply recommended the new +firm as a matter of biz—good old biz!” + +I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang, and at my time of life +have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, my boy, let us change the subject. +I will, if it please you, _try_ and be interested in your new hat +adventure.” + +Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it, except I have not once +seen him since his marriage, and he said he was very pleased to see me, +and hoped we should be friends. I stood a drink to cement the +friendship, and he stood me a new hat—one of his own.” + +I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me your old friend’s name?” + +Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’t I? Well, I will. It +was _Murray Posh_.” + +MAY 14.—Lupin came down late, and seeing me at home all the morning, +asked the reason of it. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say +nothing to him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded the question. + +Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Posh in the +City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him with a berth. Lupin +went out laughing, saying: “I don’t mind _wearing_ Posh’s one-priced +hats, but I am not going to _sell_ them.” Poor boy, I fear he is +perfectly hopeless. + +It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr. Crowbillon. Once or +twice I asked Carrie for suggestions; and although it seems ungrateful, +her suggestions were none of them to the point, while one or two were +absolutely idiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got the letter +off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp to see, but he again +repeated that he could trust me. + +Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell him about Lupin +and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quite inclined to side with +Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said she thought I was taking much too +melancholy a view of it. Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of +Madeira, which had been given him, which he said would get rid of the +blues. I dare say it would have done so if there had been more of it; +but as Gowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much for +Carrie and me to get rid of the blues with. + +MAY 15.—A day of great anxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from +Mr. Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one for me, with +“Crowbillon Hall” printed in large gold-and-red letters on the back of +the envelope; the other for Lupin, which I felt inclined to open and +read, as it had “Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was the +recommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr. Crowbillon’s letter. I +wrote him sixteen pages, closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen +lines. + +His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree with you. Your son, in the +course of five minutes’ conversation, displayed more intelligence than +your firm has done during the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert +E. Gillam O. Crowbillon.” + +What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not show to Mr. Perkupp, +and would not show to Lupin for anything. The crisis had yet to come; +for Lupin arrived, and, opening his letter, showed a cheque for £25 as a +commission for the recommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. +Perkupp is evidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called, and +both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far as to say that Lupin would +make a name yet. I suppose I was melancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, +but what sort of a name?” + +MAY 16.—I told Mr. Perkupp the contents of the letter in a modified form, +but Mr. Perkupp said: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at an end. +Your son will bring his punishment upon himself.” I went home in the +evening, thinking of the hopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most +extravagant spirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on the table +for me to read. + +To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutely engaged +Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with other advantages. I read the +letter through three times and thought it must have been for me. But +there it was—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. I was silent. Lupin said: “What +price Perkupp now? You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp and freeze +on to Gylterson, the firm of the future! Perkupp’s firm? The stagnant +dummies have been standing still for years, and now are moving back. I +want to go on. In fact I must go _off_, as I am dining with the Murray +Poshs to-night.” + +In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with his stick, gave a +loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over a chair, and took the liberty of +rumpling my hair all over my forehead, and bounced out of the room, +giving me no chance of reminding him of his age and the respect which was +due to his parent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, and +positively cheered me up with congratulations respecting Lupin. + +Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, take my word, he has +more in his head than we three put together.” + +Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.” + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + + +Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs. James (of Sutton) visits us again +and introduces “Spiritual Séances.” + +MAY 26, Sunday.—We went to Sutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. +and Mrs. James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and the +entire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their only son—who seems to me +to be an utterly spoiled child. + +Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked my shins. He +hurt me once so much that the tears came into my eyes. I gently +remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said: “Please don’t scold him; I do +not believe in being too severe with young children. You spoil their +character.” + +Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrie tried to +pacify him, he slapped her face. + +I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea of bringing up children, +Mrs. James.” + +Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas of bringing up +children—even your son Lupin is not the standard of perfection.” + +A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in his lap. The +child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr. Mezzini, saying: “I +don’t like you—you’ve got a dirty face.” + +A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child by the wrist and +said: “Come here, dear, and listen to this.” + +He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watch strike six. + +To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bounced it down +upon the ground like one would a ball. + +Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easily get a new +glass put in, and did not suppose the works were damaged. + +To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie said the child was +bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by its looks, for it was—in +her mind—an unquestionably beautiful child. + +I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglier child +myself. That is _my_ opinion. + +MAY 30.—I don’t know why it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure +the visits to our house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again to +stay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as I was leaving: “I +wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. James better than I do.” + +Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have had to put up with +Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, who is kind but most +uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’t mind the occasional visits of +Mrs. James, who has more intellect in her little finger than both your +friends have in their entire bodies.” + +I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dear old +friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’bus coming, I left with +a hurried kiss—a little too hurried, perhaps, for my upper lip came in +contact with Carrie’s teeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful +for an hour afterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrie +buried in a book on Spiritualism, called _There is no Birth_, by Florence +Singleyet. I need scarcely say the book was sent her to read by Mrs. +James, of Sutton. As she had not a word to say outside her book, I spent +the rest of the evening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning +to show signs of wear at the edges. + +Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took the entire +management of everything. Finding that she and Carrie were making some +preparations for table-turning, I thought it time really to put my foot +down. I have always had the greatest contempt for such nonsense, and put +an end to it years ago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have +séances every night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If I +could see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped it in the days +gone by, I determined to do so now. + +I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totally disapprove of it, +apart from the fact that I receive my old friends on this evening.” + +Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’t read _There is no +Birth_?” I said: “No, and I have no intention of doing so.” Mrs. James +seemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad over the book.” I +responded rather cleverly: “Let it. There will be one sane man in it, at +all events.” + +Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if people were all as +prejudiced as I was, there would never have been the electric telegraph +or the telephone. + +I said that was quite a different thing. + +Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—in what way?” + +I said: “In many ways.” + +Mrs. James said: “Well, mention _one_ way.” + +I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline to discuss the +matter. I am not interested in it.” + +Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings, for which I +was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to this foolish +table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, on the subject being +opened again, Cummings said he was most interested in Spiritualism, +although he was bound to confess he did not believe much in it; still, he +was willing to be convinced. + +I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result that my +presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in the parlour at a small +round table which they had taken out of the drawing-room. I walked into +the hall with the ultimate intention of taking a little stroll. As I +opened the door, who should come in but Gowing! + +On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should join the circle +and he would go into a trance. He added that he _knew_ a few things +about old Cummings, and would _invent_ a few about Mrs. James. Knowing +how dangerous Gowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such +foolish performance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half an +hour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be more comfortable to +sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the cold drawing-room. We talked +a good deal about Lupin and Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as +usual spending the evening. Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be a bad +thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.” + +My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing very sternly for +joking on such a subject. I lay awake half the night thinking of it—the +other half was spent in nightmares on the same subject. + +MAY 31.—I wrote a stern letter to the laundress. I was rather pleased +with the letter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: “You have +returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhaps you will return +either the colour or the value of the handkerchiefs.” I shall be rather +curious to know what she will have to say. + +More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said last night was in a +measure successful, and they ought to sit again. Cummings came in, and +seemed interested. I had the gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the +steps, and repaired the cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to +me. In a fit of unthinkingness—if I may use such an expression,—I gave +the floor over the parlour, where the séance was taking place, two loud +raps with the hammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort of +ridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would have done. + +However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declared that a +message came through the table to her of a wonderful description, +concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago, and who was quite +unknown to the others. + +When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sit to-morrow night, +to oblige her. She said it seemed rather unkind and unsociable on my +part. I promised I would sit once. + +JUNE 1.—I sat reluctantly at the table in the evening, and I am bound to +admit some curious things happened. I contend they were coincidences, +but they were curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towards me, +which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask the spirit a +question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked the spirit (who said her name +was Lina) if she could tell me the name of an old aunt of whom I was +thinking, and whom we used to call Aunt Maggie. The table spelled out C +A T. We could make nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that +her second name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying to spell. I +don’t think even Carrie knew this. But if she did, she would never +cheat. I must admit it was curious. Several other things happened, and +I consented to sit at another séance on Monday. + +JUNE 3.—The laundress called, and said she was very sorry about the +handkerchiefs, and returned ninepence. I said, as the colour was +completely washed out and the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was +not enough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefs originally only +cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at a sale at the Holloway +_Bon Marché_. In that case, I insisted that threepence should be +returned to the laundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a +few days. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it. Carrie said I +was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Posh was very fond of Lupin, who, +after all, was only a mere boy. + +In the evening we had another séance, which, in some respects, was very +remarkable, although the first part of it was a little doubtful. Gowing +called, as well as Cummings, and begged to be allowed to join the circle. +I wanted to object, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, +if there is anything in it at all), thought there might be a little more +spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us sat down. + +The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could get my hands +on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and began moving quickly +across the room. Gowing shouted out: “Way oh! steady, lad, steady!” I +told Gowing if he could not behave himself I should light the gas, and +put an end to the séance. + +To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and I hinted as +much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the table go right off the +ground. The spirit Lina came again, and said, “WARN” three or four +times, and declined to explain. Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubborn +sometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thing to do was to +send her away. + +She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away, Lina; you are +disagreeable. Go away!” I should think we sat nearly three-quarters of +an hour with nothing happening. My hands felt quite cold, and I +suggested we should stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, as well as +Cummings, would not agree to it. In about ten minutes’ time there was +some tilting towards me. I gave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O +F. As I have heard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could +hear Gowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing the +table. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did not believe him. + +Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ a ghost.” + +I said: “_You_ know it doesn’t mean anything of the sort.” + +Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I ‘spook,’” and he rose from the +table. + +No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. James suggested he +should sit out for a while. Gowing consented and sat in the arm-chair. + +The table began to move again, and we might have had a wonderful séance +but for Gowing’s stupid interruptions. In answer to the alphabet from +Carrie the table spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN” three times. We could +not think what it meant till Cummings pointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin +spelled backwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie was particularly +excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible was going to happen. + +Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit. The table replied firmly, +“No,” and the spirit would not give his or her name. We then had the +message, “NIPUL will be very rich.” + +Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word “WARN” was again spelt +out. The table then began to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. +James, who spoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell its +name. It first spelled “DRINK.” + +Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in my line.” + +I asked him to be quiet as the name might not be completed. + +The table then spelt “WATER.” + +Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah! that’s _not_ in my line. +_Outside_ if you like, but not inside.” + +Carrie appealed to him to be quiet. + +The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. James startled us by crying out, +“Captain Drinkwater, a very old friend of my father’s, who has been dead +some years.” + +This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking that after all +there must be something in Spiritualism. + +Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of the word “Warn” +as applied to “NIPUL.” The alphabet was given again, and we got the word +“BOSH.” + +Gowing here muttered: “So it is.” + +Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, as Captain +Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never have used the word in +answer to a lady’s question. Accordingly the alphabet was given again. + +This time the table spelled distinctly “POSH.” We all thought of Mrs. +Murray Posh and Lupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as it +was getting late we broke up the circle. + +We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs. James’ last +night in town. We also determined _not_ to have Gowing present. + +Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting, but he +wished the spirits would say something about him. + +JUNE 4.—Quite looking forward to the séance this evening. Was thinking +of it all the day at the office. + +Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowing entering +without knocking. + +He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have brought with me a sealed +envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs. Pooter. In that sealed +envelope is a strip of paper on which I have asked a simple question. If +the spirits can answer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.” + +I ventured the expression that it might be impossible. + +Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence for the spirits to +answer questions under such conditions—and even for them to write on +locked slates. It is quite worth trying. If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, +she is certain to do it.” + +Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firm believer. I shall +perhaps drop in about half-past nine or ten, and hear the result.” + +He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted to know something +about some undertaking in which he was concerned, but he could get no +answer of any description whatever—at which he said he was very +disappointed and was afraid there was not much in table-turning after +all. I thought this rather selfish of him. The séance was very similar +to the one last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned to the +letter. “Lina” took a long time answering the question, but eventually +spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.” There was great rocking of the +table at this time, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater, +let us ask him the answer as well?” + +It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gave the same +identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, AND COWS.” + +I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke the seal, or the +disappointment we felt on reading the question, to which the answer was +so inappropriate. The question was, “_What’s old Pooter’s age_?” + +This quite decided me. + +As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so I would again. + +I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firm when driven +to it. + +I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the last of this nonsense +that shall ever take place under my roof. I regret I permitted myself to +be a party to such tomfoolery. If there is anything in it—which I +doubt—it is nothing of any good, and I _won’t have it again_. That is +enough.” + +Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are rather over-stepping—” + +I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of this house—please understand that.” + +Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I was mistaken in. +I was in such a rage I could not quite catch what she said. But if I +thought she said what it sounded like, she should never enter the house +again. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + + +Lupin leaves us. We dine at his new apartments, and hear some +extraordinary information respecting the wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet +Miss Lilian Posh. Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important. + +JULY 1.—I find, on looking over my diary, nothing of any consequence has +taken place during the last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has taken +furnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Murray +Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is most extravagant of him, as +it is half his salary. Lupin says one never loses by a good address, +and, to use his own expression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.” +Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know. I have long since given +up trying to understand his curious expressions. I said the +neighbourhood had always been good enough for his parents. His reply +was: “It is no question of being good or bad. There is no money in it, +and I am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.” + +We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better by himself, +and there may be some truth in his remark that an old and a young horse +can’t pull together in the same cart. + +Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful, and like +old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but he occasionally suffered +from what he could not help—youth. + +JULY 2.—Cummings called, looked very pale, and said he had been very ill +again, and of course not a single friend had been near him. Carrie said +she had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of the _Bicycle +News_ on the table, with the following paragraph: “We regret to hear that +that favourite old roadster, Mr. Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with +what might have been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boy +threw a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, and the +machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavily to the +ground. Fortunately he was more frightened than hurt, but we missed his +merry face at the dinner at Chingford, where they turned up in good +numbers. ‘Long’ Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr. +Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein said it was +a case of ‘_Cumming_(s) thro’ the _Rye_, but fortunately there was more +_wheel_ than _woe_,’ a joke which created roars of laughter.” + +We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stay to supper. +Cummings said it was like old times being without Lupin, and he was much +better away. + +JULY 3, Sunday.—In the afternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour +window, which was open, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman +seated by the side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to be seen, +I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of it violently +against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I was nearly stunned. There +was a loud double-knock at the front door; Carrie rushed out of the +parlour, upstairs to her room, and I followed, as Carrie thought it was +Mr. Perkupp. I thought it was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over +the banisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.” Sarah said, as the +shutters were not opened, the room would smell musty. There was another +loud rat-tat. I whispered: “Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. +Pooter will be down directly.” I changed my coat, but could not see to +do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass. + +Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr. Lupin. + +This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, and Lupin met me with +the remark: “I say, what did you run away from the window for? Did we +frighten you?” + +I foolishly said: “What window?” + +Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. You looked as if you were playing +at Punch and Judy.” + +On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said: “Oh, I +think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I can do with a B. and S.” + +I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.” + +Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. You just trip out and hold the +horse; I don’t think Sarah understands it.” + +They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupin said: “I +want you both to come and dine with me next Wednesday, and see my new +place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh, Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming. +Eight o’clock sharp. No one else.” + +I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and would like the +dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we got home. + +Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it. If it comes to that, Daisy +and I can drive you home.” + +We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind the familiar way in +which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other is reprehensible. Anybody +would think they had been children together. I certainly should object +to a six months’ acquaintance calling _my_ wife “Carrie,” and driving out +with her. + +JULY 4.—Lupin’s rooms looked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a +little too grand, especially as he commenced with champagne straight off. +I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr. and Mrs. Murray +Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on full evening dress. Knowing that +the dinner was only for us six, we never dreamed it would be a full dress +affair. I had no appetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight +before we sat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a hearty meal. +I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feeling famished, and I +expect that partly spoiled my appetite. + +We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called “Lillie Girl,” as if +he had known her all his life. She was very tall, rather plain, and I +thought she was a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; but +she had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black. She looked +about thirty. I did not like the way she kept giggling and giving Lupin +smacks and pinching him. Then her laugh was a sort of a scream that went +right through my ears, all the more irritating because there was nothing +to laugh at. In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed with +her. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, including Miss Posh, who +startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t you smoke, dear?” I answered for +Carrie, and said: “Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,” +whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again. + +Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeat what I have +said before—she does _not_ sing in tune; but Lupin sat by the side of the +piano, gazing into her eyes the whole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I +think I should have had something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself +very agreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage, which +I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, for Mrs. Posh had on +some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrie her necklace, which her +husband gave her as a birthday present, alone cost £300. + +Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought he would make +rapid way in the world. + +I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost over the _Parachikka +Chlorates_ through Lupin’s advice. + +During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, and expressed +a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond his means. + +Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands. “Posh’s one-price +hat” was a household word in Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all +the big towns throughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. +Posh was opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, and +Melbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley and Johannesburg. + +I said I was pleased to hear it. + +Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 on Daisy, and the same +amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ If at any time I wanted a little capital, he +would put up a couple of ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy up +Perkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with ready cash.” + +On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in my life, I was +inclined to indulge in the radical thought that money was _not_ properly +divided. + +On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansom cab, which +had been waiting for me for two hours with a letter. Sarah said she did +not know what to do, as we had not left the address where we had gone. I +trembled as I opened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr. +Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Come down to the Victoria Hotel +without delay. Important. Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.” + +I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabman replied that it was +_not_; for his instructions were, if I happened to be out, he was to wait +till I came home. I felt very tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I +reached the hotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for being +so late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have a few oysters.” +I feel my heart beating as I write these words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle +said he had a rich American friend who wanted to do something large in +our line of business, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name to +him. We talked over the matter. If, by any happy chance, the result be +successful, I can more than compensate my dear master for the loss of Mr. +Crowbillon’s custom. Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious +‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it has not yet struck +twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of the best wine to be had in +the place, and drink good luck to our bit of business.” + +I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all. + +It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I was so tired, I could not +sleep except for short intervals—then only to dream. + +I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. The latter was in a +lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkupp was waiting in the room. Mr. +Huttle kept taking off this crown and handing it to me, and calling me +“President.” + +He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I kept asking Mr. +Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master. Mr. Huttle kept saying: +“No, this is the White House of Washington, and you must keep your crown, +Mr. President.” + +We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, and then I woke +up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thing over and over again. + + + + +CHAPTER THE LAST + + +One of the happiest days of my life. + +JULY 10.—The excitement and anxiety through which I have gone the last +few days have been almost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all but +settled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I have written a long letter +to Lupin—feeling it my duty to do so,—regarding his attention to Mrs. +Posh, for they drove up to our house again last night. + +JULY 11.—I find my eyes filling with tears as I pen the note of my +interview this morning with Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: “My +faithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service you have done +our firm. You can never be sufficiently thanked. Let us change the +subject. Do you like your house, and are you happy where you are?” + +I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love the neighbourhood, and +could not bear to leave it.” + +Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I will purchase the +freehold of that house, and present it to the most honest and most worthy +man it has ever been my lot to meet.” + +He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would be spared many +years to enjoy it. My heart was too full to thank him; and, seeing my +embarrassment, the good fellow said: “You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,” +and left the office. + +I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing I have never +done before), and asked the two latter to come round to supper. + +On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sent Sarah round +to the grocer’s to get two bottles of “Jackson Frères.” + +My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last post brought a +letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read it aloud to them all. It +ran: “My dear old Guv.,—Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tack +again. I am engaged to be married to ‘Lillie Girl.’ I did not mention +it last Thursday, as it was not definitely settled. We shall be married +in August, and amongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing +and Cummings. With much love to all, from _The same old Lupin_.” + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 1026 *** |