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diff --git a/10212-h/10212-h.htm b/10212-h/10212-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c39dde --- /dev/null +++ b/10212-h/10212-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6314 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content= +"text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PECK'S BAD BOY WITH THE CIRCUS +, by GEO. W. PECK.</title> +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + font-size: 14pt; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +<style type="text/css"> + hr.c3 {width: 25%;} + span.c2 {layout-flow: horizontal; margin-left: 1em;} + hr.c1 {width: 35%;} +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Peck's Bad Boy at the Circus, by George W. Peck + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Peck's Bad Boy at the Circus + +Author: George W. Peck + +Release Date: November 22, 2003 [EBook #10212] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD BOY AT THE CIRCUS *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Gundry and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="80%" align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="Bookspace"> +<tr> +<td> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<h2>PECK'S BAD BOY WITH THE CIRCUS</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><img alt="180.gif" src= +"Pictures/180.gif"></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b>Pa Kept Mauling the Lion</b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<h2>PECK'S BAD BOY WITH THE CIRCUS</h2> +<br> + +<p>BY HON. GEO. W. PECK</p> +<br> + +<p><br>Author of Peck's Bad Boy and His Pa, Peck's Bad Boy Abroad, +Peck's Uncle Ike and the Red Headed Boy, Etc., Etc.</p> +<br> +<span class="c2">Relating the experiences of the Bad Boy and his +Dad during</span><br> + <span class="c2">their travels with a Circus. The Bad Boy gets +his Dad in hot</span><br> + <span class="c2">water in every conceivable way, and plays jokes +and pranks on</span><br> + <span class="c2">everyone, from the Clown to the Manager, and +from the Monkey</span><br> + <span class="c2">to the Elephant. Rip-roaring, side-splitting +fun from</span><br> + <span class="c2">beginning to end.</span><br> + <br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<h2>ILLUSTRATED BY C. FRINK</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<h4>1905</h4> +<br> + +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CONTENTS."></a> +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_I.">CHAPTER I.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Begins a Diary--Dad Has Become Manager for a +Circus--The Bad Boy Expects to Curry the Hyena and Do Stunts on +the Trapeze--Ma Says Pa Will Ogle the Circassian Beauty--Pa Buys +Some Circus Clothes and Lets His Whiskers Grow.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_II.">CHAPTER II.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Visits the Circus in Winter Quarters--He Meets the +Circus Performers--Dad Rides a Horse and Gets Tossed in a +Blanket--The Bad Boy Goes "Kangarooing"--Pa's Clothes Cause +Excitement Among the Animals--A Monkey Steals His Watch.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_III.">CHAPTER III.</a></p> +<p>Pa Reproves the Fat Woman for Losing Flesh--The Bearded Lady +Faints in Pa's Arms--The Bad Boy Introduced Into Animal +Society--They Pull the Boa Constrictor's Ulcerated Tooth.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_IV.">CHAPTER IV.</a></p> +<p>Pa Finds the Fat Lady a Burden--The Bad Boy Makes His First +Public Appearance--He Talks Politics with the Midget--Pa Meets with +Numerous Accidents.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_V.">CHAPTER V.</a></p> +<p>The Rogue Elephant Creates a Panic and Pa Proves Himself a +Hero--The Bad Boy Gets Scolded for "Being Tough"--He Finds that +Audiences Like Accidents.</p> +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_VI.">CHAPTER VI.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Puts Fly-Paper in the Bob Cat's Cage--The Bob Cat +Causes a Panic in the Main Tent--The Midget Quarrels with the +Giant--Pa is Almost Arrested for Kidnapping and the Ostrich +Swallows His Diamond Stud.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_VII.">CHAPTER VII.</a></p> +<p>The Circus Has A Yellow Fever Scare--The Bad Boy and His Dad +Dress Up as Hottentots--Pa Takes a Mustard Bath and Attends a +Revival Meeting.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII.">CHAPTER VIII.</a></p> +<p>Pa Tales the Place of the Fat Woman with Disastrous Results--A +Kentucky Colonel Causes a Row--Pa Tries to Roar Like a Lion and +the Rhinoceros Objects--Pa Plays the Slot-Machine and Gets the +Worst of It.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_IX.">CHAPTER IX.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy feeds Cayenne Pepper to the Sacred Cow--He and His +Pa Ride in a Circus Parade With the Circassian Beauties--A Tipsy +Elephant Lands Them in a Public Fountain--Pa Makes the +Acquaintance of John L. Sullivan.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_X.">CHAPTER X.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy and His Pa Drive a Roman Chariot--They Win the +Race, but Meet With Difficulties--The Bearded Lady to the Rescue--A +Farmer's Cart Breaks Up the Circus Procession.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XI.">CHAPTER XI.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy and His Pa in a Railroad Wreck--Pa Rescues the +"Other Freaks"--They Spend the Night on a Meadow--A Near-Sighted +Claim Agent Settles for Damages--Pa Plays Deaf and Dumb and Gets +Ten Thousand.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XII.">CHAPTER XII.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Causes Trouble Between the Russian Cossacks and +the Jap Jugglers--A Jap Tight-Rope Walker Jiu Jitsu's Pa--The +Animals Go on a Strike--Pa Runs the Menagerie for a Day and Wins +Their Gratitude.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XIII.">CHAPTER XIII.</a></p> +<p>The Circus Strikes the Quaker City--They Go on a Ginger Ale +Jag--Pa Breaks Up an Indian War Dance and Comes Near Being Burned +Alive--The World's Fair Cannibals Have a Roast Dog Feast.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XIV.">CHAPTER XIV.</a></p> +<p>A Newport Monk Is Added to the Show--The Bay Teaches Him Some +"Manly Tricks"--The Tent Blows Down and a Panic Follows--Pa Manages +the Animal Act Which Ends in a Novel Manner.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XV.">CHAPTER XV.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Feeds the Menagerie Scotch Snuff--Pa Gets Mauled by +the Sneezing Animals--Pa Takes a Midnight Ride on a Mule to Escape +Punishment.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XVI.">CHAPTER XVI.</a></p> +<p>A Senator's Son Bets the Bad Boy That Elephants Are +Cowards--They Let a Bag of Rats Loose at the Afternoon +Performance--The Elephants Stampede, Pa Fractures a Rib and +General Pandemonium Reigns.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XVII.">CHAPTER XVII.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy and the Senator's Son Go on an Elephant Chase--The +Senator's Son Gets His Friend a Bid to Dinner at the White +House--The Trained Seal Swallows an Alarm Clock.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII.">CHAPTER XVIII.</a></p> +<p>The Show Strikes Virginia and the Educated Ourang Outang Has +the Whooping Cough--The Bad Boy Plays the Part of a Monkey, but +They Forget to Pin on a Tail.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XIX.">CHAPTER XIX.</a></p> +<p>The Circus People Visit a Southern Plantation--Pa, the Giant +and the Fat Woman Are Chased by Bloodhounds--The Bad Boy "Runs the +Gauntlet."</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XX.">CHAPTER XX.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy Goes After a Mess of White Turnips for the +Menagerie--He Feeds the Animals Horseradish, but Gets the Worst of +the Deal.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXI.">CHAPTER XXI.</a></p> +<p>The Bad Boy and His Pa Inject a Little Politics Into the +Show--Rival Bands of Atlanta Citizens Meet in the Circus Tent-- A +Bunch of Angry Hornets Causes Much Bitter Feeling.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXII.">CHAPTER XXII.</a></p> +<p>The Show Does Poor Business in the South--Pa Side Tracks a +Circus Car Filled with Creditors--A Performance Given "For the +Poor," Fills the Treasury--A Wild West Man Buncoes the Show.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII.">CHAPTER XXIII.</a></p> +<p>The Circus Has Bad Luck in Indian Territory--A Herd of Animals +Turned Out to Graze Is Stampeded by Indians--They Go Dashing Over +the Plains, and the Circus Tent Follows, Picked Up by a +Cyclone.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV.">CHAPTER XXIV.</a></p> +<p>Pa Is Sent to a Hospital to Recuperate--The Bad Boy Discourages +Other Boys from Running Away with the Circus--He Makes Them Water +the Camels, Curry the Hyenas and Put Insect Powder on the +Buffaloes.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXV.">CHAPTER XXV.</a></p> +<p>Pa Breaks in the Zebras and Drives a Six-in-Hand Team in the +Parade--The Freaks Have a Narrow Escape from Drowning.</p> +<br> + +<p><a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI.">CHAPTER XXVI.</a></p> +<p>The Rings Are So Muddy the Performers Have to Wear Rubber +Boots--The Freaks Present Pa with a Big Heart of Roses--The Show +Closes and the Bad Boy Starts West with His Pa in Search of +Attractions for the Coming Season.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="ILLUSTRATIONS."></a> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + +<p><br><a name="499"></a><a href="#500">And Pa Swatted Her on the +Back.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="498"></a><a href="#497">The Sacred Cow Chased Ma Up +the Church Stairs.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="496"></a><a href="#495">Pa Was Suspended in the +Air.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="493"></a><a href="#494">A Leopard Reached Out His Paw +and Gathered in the Tail of Pa's Coat.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="492"></a><a href="#491">I Will Hold You Responsible +for This!</a></p> +<p><br><a name="490"></a><a href="#489">They Had to Turn the Hose on +Pa.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="488"></a><a href="#487">They Threw Boiled Potatoes +and Scrambled Eggs at Pa.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="486"></a><a href="#485">She Kicked Pa's Hat +Off.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="484"></a><a href="#483">Bolivar Took Half a +Watermelon and Put the Red Side on Top of Pa's Head.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="482"></a><a href="#481">Pa Turned the Cock of the +Extinguisher and Pointed the Nozzle at Bolivar's Head.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="480"></a><a href="#479">The Bob Cat Struck Pa on the +Back.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="478"></a><a href="#477">The Man Tackled Pa.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="476"></a><a href="#475">The Doctor Said It Was an +Unmistakable Case of Yellow Fever.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="474"></a><a href="#473">After Scratching His Head a +Minute, Ike Turned and Walked Toward the Preacher.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="472"></a><a href="#471">I Punctured Pa's +Tires.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="470"></a><a href="#469">Chased by Police.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="468"></a><a href="#467">The Elephant kept Ducking Pa +and Swabbing Out the Bottom of the Fountain.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="466"></a><a href="#465">John L. Slatted Pa Just as +Though He Was a Child.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="464"></a><a href="#463">Her Cart, Team and All, Were +Thrown Right Against the Band.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="462"></a><a href="#461">Pa Struck on His Head Against +a Wagon Wheel.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="460"></a><a href="#459">Pa Got an Ax and Cut the Fat +Woman Out.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="458"></a><a href="#457">What Hit Him? That's the +Worst Case I Ever Saw!</a></p> +<p><br><a name="455"></a><a href="#456">Gee, but Didn't That Russian +Talk Kopec and Damski.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="454"></a><a href="#453">O, but the Jap Didn't Do a +Thing to Pa!</a></p> +<p><br><a name="452"></a><a href="#451">The Indians Tied Pa to a Tree +and Began to Pile Sticks Around Him.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="450"></a><a href="#449">The Fat Woman Jabbed Pa with +Her Parasol.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="448"></a><a href="#447">When She Saw the Baboon She +Yelled Fire.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="445"></a><a href="#446">Pa Kept Mauling the +Lion.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="444"></a><a href="#443">The Lion Sneezed and Blew Pa +Clear Across the Tent.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="442"></a><a href="#441">Pa Rode Out of Town and Rode +All Night.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="440"></a><a href="#439">Bolivar Swatted Pa Clear +Across the Ring.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="438"></a><a href="#437">Pa, Do Not Fear.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="436"></a><a href="#435">We Met Some Farmers.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="434"></a><a href="#433">Old Gentleman, You Ought to +Come Down Off Your Perch.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="432"></a><a href="#431">The Keeper Who Trained the +Ourang Outang Took Me in Hand.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="430"></a><a href="#429">He Hit Me Right in the +Eye.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="428"></a><a href="#427">Here, Mr. Confederate, I Am +not a Union Prisoner.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="426"></a><a href="#425">I Yelled Murder and Ran +Between the Giant's Legs.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="424"></a><a href="#423">The Camel Kicked an Arab Off +a Rug.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="422"></a><a href="#421">Pa Tasted of It.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="420"></a><a href="#419">He Hit Pa Over the Head with +His Chinese Lantern.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="418"></a><a href="#417">They Stampeded Like They +Never Met a Hornet Before.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="416"></a><a href="#415">The Sacred Cow Chased Pa Up +into the Rafters of the Car.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="414"></a><a href="#413">The Pony Was Off Like a +Rabbit.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="412"></a><a href="#411">The Boss Canvasman Went into +a Cactus.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="410"></a><a href="#409">Dad Was Only Hitting the High +Places.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="408"></a><a href="#407">The Bull Tossed the Boy +Through the Tent.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="406"></a><a href="#405">Pa Jumped Like a Box +Car.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="404"></a><a href="#403">There Never Was Such a +Runaway Since the Days of Ben Hur.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="402"></a><a href="#401">The Zebras Turned Short and +Tipped the Tally-ho Over into the Water.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="400"></a><a href="#399">I Will Search for the Wildest +of Red Men.</a></p> +<p><br><a name="398"></a><a href="#397">They Tossed Pa Up in the +Blanket.</a></p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="Peck's_Bad_Boy_With_the_Circus."></a> +<h2>Peck's Bad Boy With the Circus.</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_I."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER I.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Begins a Diary--Dad Has Become +Manager for a</span><br> + <span class="c2">Circus--The Bad Boy Expects to Curry the Hyena +and Do Stunts</span><br> + <span class="c2">on the Trapeze--Ma Says Pa Will Ogle the +Circassian</span><br> + <span class="c2">Beauty--Pa Buys Some Circus Clothes and Lets His +Whiskers</span><br> + <span class="c2">Grow.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>April 10, 19..--I never thought it would come to this, that I +should keep a diary, because I am not a good little boy. Nobody +ever keeps a diary except a boy that wants to be an angel, and +with the angels stand, or a girl that is in love, or an old maid +that can't catch a man unless she writes down her emotions and +leaves them around so some man will read them, and swallow the +bait and not feel the hook in his gills, or a truly good bank +cashier who teaches Sunday school, and skips out for Canada some +Saturday night, after the bank closes, and on Monday morning they +find the combination of the lock on the safe changed, and when +they hire a reformed burglar to open the lock the money is all +gone with the cashier. Those are the only people that ever kept a +successful diary.</p> +<p>But I had to promise ma that I would keep a diary, so she +could read it, or I never could have got her consent for me to go +with pa on the road with a circus. All ma asks of me is to tell +the truth about everything that happens to me and to pa during +the whole summer, and I have consented, and I can see my finish, +and pa's finish and ma's finish, and the finish of the circus +that is going to take us along.</p> +<p>Gee, but we have had a hot time at our house since pa and I +got back from our trip abroad. I brought pa back in better health +than he was when he went away, but he has got so accustomed to +excitement that I knew something would be doing pretty soon, so I +was not surprised when he told us at the breakfast table that he +supposed he should have to go and travel with a circus this +summer.</p> +<p>Ma looked at pa as though she wanted to call the police and am +ambulance to take him to the emergency hospital. He looked at ma +and at me, speared another waffle, and said: "I know you will +think I am nutty, but for almost ten years I have had a block of +stock in a circus and menagerie. I went into it to help some +young circus fellows, and put up quite a bunch of money, because +they were honest and poor, and for a few years things went wrong, +and I thought my money was gone, but for the last six years the +circus has paid dividends bigger than Standard Oil, and today it +stands away up among the financial successes, and the dividends +on my citrus stock is better than any bank stock I have got, and +it comes just like finding money. The company decided at its +annual meeting to invite me to take the position of one of the +managers, and I shall soon go to the winter quarters of the show, +to arrange to put it on the road about the 1st of May. Now any +remarks may be made, pro or con, in regard to my sanity, +see?"</p> +<p>Well, ma swallowed something crosswise down her Sunday throat, +and choked, and pa swatted her on the back so she would cough it +up, and when she could speak she said: "Pa, do you have to wear +tights, and jump through hoops on the back of a horse, and cut up +didoes, at your time of life? For if you do I can never live to +witness any such performances."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="500"><img alt="015.gif" src= +"Pictures/015.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#499">Pa Swatted Her on the +Back.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa was calm, and did not fly off the handle, but he just said, +kindly: "Mother, you have vague ideas of the duties of the owners +of a circus. The owners hire performers to do stunts, and break +their necks, while we manage them and take in the shekels from +the Reubens who come into town on circus day. We proprietors +touch the button, and the actors and animals do the rest. I shall +be a director who directs, a man who sets a dignified and pious +example to the men and women who adorn the profession, coming as +they do from all climes, and your pa will be the guide, +philosopher and friend of all who belong to the grandest +aggregation of talent ever gathered under one canvas, at one +price of admission, and do not fail to witness the concert which +will be given under this canvas after the main performance is +over."</p> +<p>Ma looked at pa pretty savage, and said: "O, I see, you are +going to be ringmaster, but what is to become of Hennery and me +while you are cracking your whip around the hind legs of the fat +woman, and ogling the Circassian beauty?"</p> +<p>Pa put his hand on my head and said: "Mother, Hennery will go +with me, to see that I do not get into any trouble as a circus +financier and general manager of the menagerie and Wild West +aggregation, and hippodrome, in the great three-ring circus, and +you can stay home and give us absent treatment for what ails us, +and pack the money I shall send you in bales with a hay press, +and put it in cold storage till we come back in the fall. It is +settled, we go to conquer, and the world will lay at our feet +before the middle of August, and you will be a proud woman to own +a husband who will be pointed at as the most successful amusement +purveyor the world has ever witnessed, and a son who will start +in at the bottom round of the circus ladder and rise, step by +step, until he will stand beside the great Barnum."</p> +<p>Ma thought seriously for a few minutes, and then she said: "O, +pa, if it was anything but the circus business you and Hennery +went into, like selling soap or being a bank defaulter, or +something respectable, I could look the neighbors in the face, +but of course if there is money in it, and you feel that the good +Lord has called you to the circus field, and you will see that +Hennery does not stay out nights, and Hennery will promise to see +that you put on a clean collar occasionally, and you will promise +me that you will not let any of those circus women in spangles +make eyes at you, I will consent to your going with the circus, +just this once, as the doctor has advised that you lead an active +life, and I guess you will get it traveling with a circus, for it +nearly killed me that time I took Hennery to see the animals, and +the tent blew down, and we got separated and the sacred cow +chased ma up the church steps, and Hennery and a monkey were +brought home by a policeman about daylight the next morning, that +time you were off fishing, and I never told you about going to +the circus when you were away. So we are circus proprietors, are +we? Well, it ain't so bad," and ma went upstairs to cry at our +success, and pa and I went out to walk off the effects of the +breaking the news to ma.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="497"><img alt="019.gif" src= +"Pictures/019.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#498">Sacred Cow Chased Ma Up the +Church Steps.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I had a long talk with pa about our changed circumstances, and +asked him what I would be expected to do in the show, and he says +I will fit in anywhere. He says that a boy who knows as much +about everything as I think I know, but don't know a blamed thing +about, will be invaluable about a show, and that going into a new +business is like going to college as a freshman, as all the old +circus men will haze us, and we must not expect an easy life, but +one full of excitement, sleepless nights, ginger, the glare of +the torchlights, the races, the flying trapeze, the smell of the +sawdust and tanbark, the howling of the wild beasts, and the +plaudits of the multitude of jays and jayesses, and it will be +like one grand circus day spread all over the summer and fall. He +says he wants me to learn the circus business from the ground up, +from the currying of the hyenas with a currycomb and brush, to +going up into the roof of the tent on the trapeze and falling +into the net, while the audience faints with excitement. I asked +pa if he wanted me to keep on playing tricks on him while we were +on the road, and he said he had got so used to my tricks that he +couldn't live without them, and he didn't want me to let a chance +escape to make him have a good time.</p> +<p>April 11.--Ma and pa have had several discussions about what +kind of a position it is going to leave her in, among the +neighbors, for pa and I to go off with a circus, and ma wanted to +withdraw from the church, and board up the windows of the house, +and make folks think we had gone to the seashore, but pa +convinced her that we would have preaching in the main tent every +Sunday and he says there is no more pious lot of people on earth +than those who travel with a circus, and then ma wanted to go +along. She said she could do the mending of the long socks that +the women wear when they ride barebacked, but we had to shut down +on ma's going with the show, cause we never could have any fun +with a woman to look after. Pa says nowadays the men and women +who ride on bareback horses in the ring dress in regular evening +costume, the women with low-necked dresses and long trains, and +the men with swallow-tail coats and patent leather shoes, and +they are as polite as dancing masters.</p> +<p>We have compromised with ma, and she is to meet the show at +Kalamazoo and go with us to Kankakee and Keokuk until she is +overcome by nervous prostration, when we shall have her go home. +Pa thinks ma would last about two days with the show, but I guess +if she took a course of treatment with peanuts and red lemonade +one afternoon and evening, she would want to throw up her job, +and go back home in charge of a stomach specialist.</p> +<p>Well, pa showed up at the house in his circus clothes this +afternoon, and he certainly is a peach. Pa has been letting his +chin whiskers grow for about six weeks, and today he had them +colored black, and he looks as though he had swallowed the +blacking brush, and left the bunch of bristles outside, on his +chin. He looks fierce. Then, he has got a new brand of silk hat, +with a wide, curling brim, and he has had a vest made of black +and blue check goods, the checks as big as the checks on a +checker board, and a pair of pants that look like a diamond-back +rattlesnake, and he has got an imitation diamond stud in his +white shirt that looks like a paper weight.</p> +<p>Ma wanted to know if there was any law to compel pa to dress +like that, 'cause he looked as though he was a gambler or a train +robber. Pa says that a circus proprietor has got to look +different from anybody else, in order to inspire fear and respect +on the part of the hands around the show, as well as the +audiences that flock to the arena, and he asked ma if she didn't +remember old Dan Rice, and old John Robinson. Ma didn't remember +them, but she remembered Barnum, because Barnum lectured on +temperance, and she said she hoped pa would emulate Barnum's +example, and pa said he would, and then he took a watch chain +with links as big as a trace chain and spread it across his +checkered vest, from one pocket to the other, with a life-size +gold elk hanging down the middle, and ma almost had a +convulsion.</p> +<p>Gee, but if pa wears that rig in the menagerie tent the +animals will paw and bellow like a drove of cattle that smell +blood. Pa is going to wear a sack coat with his outfit, so as to +look tough, and he wouldn't hear to ma when she tried to get him +to wear a frock coat. He said a frock coat was all right in +society or among the crowned heads, but when you have to mingle +with lions and elephants one minute that would snatch the tail +off a coat and chew it and the next minute you are mixed up with +a bunch of freaks or a lot of bareback riders or trapeze +performers, you have got to compromise on a coat that will fit +any climate, and not cause invidious remarks, whatever that +is.</p> +<p>I will have to stand up beside the giant once in a while to +show the difference in the size of men, and at other times I will +have to stand beside the midgets and look like a giant myself. We +are all packed up, and in two days we start for the winter +quarters of the show, to pound it into shape for the road. By +ginger, I can't hardly wait to get there and see pa boss +things.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_II."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER II.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Visits the Circus in Winter +Quarters--He Meets</span><br> + <span class="c2">the Circus Performers--Dad Rides a Horse and +Gets Tossed in a</span><br> + <span class="c2">Blanket--The Bad Boy Goes "Kangarooing"--Pa's +Clothes Cause</span><br> + <span class="c2">Excitement Among the Animals--A Monkey Steals +His Watch.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>April 15.--We are now at the winter quarters of the show, in a +little town, on a farm just outside, where the tent is put up and +the animals are being cared for in barns, and the performers are +limbering up their joints, wearing overcoats to turn flip-flaps, +and everybody has a cold, and looks blue, and all are anxious for +warm weather.</p> +<p>Pa created a sensation when we arrived by his stunning +clothes, his jet black chin whiskers and his watch chain over his +checkered vest, and when the proprietors introduced pa to the +performers and hands, as an old stockholder in the show, who +would act as assistant manager during the season and pa smiled on +them with a frown on his forehead, and said he hoped his +relations with them would be pleasant, one of the old canvasmen +remarked to a girl who rides two horses at once with the horses +strapped together, so they can't get too far apart and cause her +to break in two, said that old goat with the silk hat would last +just about four weeks, and that he reminded the canvasman of a +big dog which barked at people as though he would eat them, and +at the same time wagged his tail, so people would not think he +was so confounded dangerous.</p> +<p>The principal proprietor of the circus told pa to make himself +at home around the tent, and not be offended at any pleasantry on +the part of the attaches of the show, for they were full of fun, +and he went off to attend to some business and left pa with the +gang. They were practicing riding bare-backed horses around the +ring, with a rope hitched in a belt around the waist of the rider +and an arm swinging around from the center pole, so if they fell +off the horse the rope would prevent the rider from falling to +the ground, a practice that the best riders adopt early in the +season, the same as new beginners, 'cause they are all stiffened +up by being out of practice. One man rode around a few times, and +pa got up close to the ring and was making some comments such as: +"Why, any condemned fool could ride a horse that way," when the +circus gang as quick as you could say scat, fastened a belt +around pa's stomach, that had a ring in it, and before he knew it +they had hitched a snap in the ring, and pa was hauled up as high +as the horse, and his feet rested on the horse's back, and the +horse started on a gallop.</p> +<p>Well, say, pa was never so surprised in his life, but he dug +his heels into the horse's back, and tried to look pleasant, and +the horse went half way around the ring, and just as pa was +getting confidence some one hit the horse on the ham with a piece +of board, and the horse went out from under pa and he began to +fall over backwards, and I thought his circus career would end +right there, when the man who had hold of the rope pulled up, and +pa was suspended in the air by the ring in the belt, back up, and +stomach hanging down like a pillow, his watch dangling about a +foot down towards the ring, and the horse came around the ring +again and as he went under pa, pa tried to get his feet on the +horse's back, but he couldn't make it work, and pa said, as cross +as could be: "Lookahere, you fellers, you let me down, or I will +discharge every mother's son of you."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="495"><img alt="028.gif" src= +"Pictures/028.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#496">Pa Was Suspended in the +Air.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>But they didn't seem to be scared, for one man caught the +horse and let it out of the ring, and the man who handled the +rope tied it to the center pole by a half hitch, and the fellows +all went into the dressing room to play cinch on the trunks, +leaving pa hanging there. Just then the boss canvasman came along +and he said: "Hello, old man, what you doing up there?" And pa +said some of the pirates in the show had kidnaped him, and seemed +to be holding him up for a ransom, and he said he would give ten +dollars if some one would let him down.</p> +<p>The boss canvasman said he could fix it for ten, all right, +and he blew a whistle, and the gang came back, and the boss said: +"Bring a blanket and help this gentleman down;" so they brought a +big piece of canvas, with handles all around it, and about a +dozen fellows held it, and the rope man let pa down on the +canvas, and unhitched the ring, and when pa was in the canvas he +laughed and said: "Thanks, gentlemen, I guess I am mot much of a +horseback rider," and then the fellows pulled on the handles of +the canvas, and by gosh, pa shot up into the air half-way to the +top of the tent, and when he came down they caught him in the +canvas and tossed him up a whole lot of times until pa said: "O, +let up, and make it $20." Just then the proprietor who had +introduced pa to the men came in and saw what was going on, and +he said: "Here, you heathen, you quit this hazing right here," +and they let pa down on the floor of the ring, and he got up and +pulled his pants down, that had got up above his knees, and shook +himself and took out his roll, and peeled off a $20 bill and gave +it to the canvasman, and he shook hands with them all, and said +he liked a joke as well as anybody, and for them to spend the +money to have a good time, and they all laughed and patted pa on +the back, and said he was a dead game sport, and would be an +honor to the profession, and that now that he has taken the first +degree as a circus man he could call on them for any sacrifice, +or any work, and he would find that they would be Johnny on the +spot.</p> +<p>Then he went out to the dining tent and took dinner with the +crowd and had a jolly time. There was a woman trapeze performer +on one side of pa at dinner, and she began to kick at once about +the meals, and when the waiter brought a piece of meat to us +all-a great big piece, that looked like corned beef, she said: +"For heaven's sake, ain't that elephant that died all been eaten +up yet?" and then she told pa that they had been fed on that +deceased elephant, until they all felt like they had trunks +growing out of their heads, and pa poked the meat with his fork, +and thought it was elephant, and he lost his appetite, and +everybody laughed. I eat some of it and if it was elephant it was +all right.</p> +<p>Well, when dinner was about over, all filled their glasses to +drink to the health of pa, the old stockholder and new manager, +and pa got up and bowed, and made a little speech, and when he +sat down one of the circus girls was in his chair, and he sat in +her lap, and the crowd all yelled, except a Spanish bull-fighter +who seemed to be the husband of the woman pa sat on, and he +wanted pa's blood, but the old circus manager took him away to +save pa from trouble, and he glared back at pa, and I think he +will stab pa with a dirk knife.</p> +<p>We got out of the dining tent, and went to the barn, where the +animals are kept all winter, and pa wanted me to become familiar +with the habits of the beasts, 'cause they were to be in pa's +charge, with the keepers of the different kinds of animals to +report to pa. Nobody need tell me that animals have no human +instincts, and do not know how to take a joke. We are apt to +think that wild animals in captivity are worrying over being +confined in cages, and gazed at and commented on by curious +visitors, and that they dream of the free life they lived in the +jungles, and sigh to go back where they were, captured, and prowl +around for food, but you can't fool me. Animals that formerly had +to go around in the woods, hungry half the time and occasionally +gorging themselves on a dead animal and sleeping out in the rain +in all kinds of weather, know when they have struck a good thing +in a menagerie, with clean straw to sleep in, and when they are +hungry all they have to do is to sound their bugle and they have +pre-digested beefsteak and breakfast food brought to them on a +silver platter, and if the food is not to their liking they set +up a kick like a star boarder at a boarding house. Their +condition in the show, in its changed condition from that of +their native haunts, is like taking a hobo off the trucks of a +freight train and taking him to the dining car of the limited, +and letting him eat to a finish. People talk about animals +escaping from captivity, and going back to the jungles and humane +societies shed tears over the poor, sad-eyed captives, sighing +for their homes, but you turn them loose at South Bend, and run +your circus train to New Albany without them and they would +follow the train and overtake it before the evening performance +the next day, and you would find them trying to break into their +cages again, and they would have to be fed.</p> +<p>When pa and I went into the barn where the cages were, to take +an account of stock, and get acquainted with our animals, they +acted just like the circus men did when they saw pa's clothes. +The animals were about half asleep when we went in, but a big +lion bent one eye on pa, and then he rose up and shook himself +and gave a roar and a cough that sounded like he had the worst +case of pneumonia, and he snorted a couple of times, as though he +was saying to the other animals: "Here's something that will kill +you dead, and I want you all to have a piece of it, raw," and he +brayed some more, and all the animals joined in the chorus, the +big tiger lying down on his stomach and waving his tail, and +snarling and showing his teeth like a cat that has located a +mouse hole, and the tiger seemed to say: "O, I saw it first, and +it's mine."</p> +<p>The hyena set up a laugh like a man who is not tickled, but +feels that it is up to him to laugh at a funny story that he +can't see the point of at a banquet where Chauncey Depew tells +one of his crippled jokes, and pa was getting nervous. A big +grizzly bear was walking delegate in his cage, and he looked at +pa as much as to say: "Hello, Teddy, I was not at home when you +called in Colorado, but you get in this cage, and I will make you +think the Spanish war was a Sunday school picnic beside what you +will get from your uncle Ephraim," and a bob cat jumped up into +the top of his cage and snarled and showed his teeth, and seemed +to say: "Bring on your whole pack of dogs and I will eat them +alive."</p> +<p>Pa threw out his chest in front of a monkey cage, and a monkey +snatched his watch, and then all the animals began to laugh at pa +just like a lot of bad boys in school when visitors make a call. +Pa went around to visit all the animals, officially, while I got +interested in a female kangaroo, with a couple of babies, not +more than three weeks old, and I noticed the mother kangaroo made +the old man kangaroo, her husband, stand around and he acted just +like some men I have seen who were afraid to say their souls were +their own in the presence of their wives.</p> +<p>The female kangaroo is surely a wonder, and seems to be built +on plans and specifications different from any other animal, +cause she has got a fur-lined pouch on her stomach, just like a +vest, that she carries her young in. When the babies are +frightened they make a hurry-up move towards ma, the pouch opens, +and they jump in out of sight, like a gopher going into its hole, +and the mother looks around as innocent as can be, as much as to +say: "You can search me. I don't know, honestly, where those kids +have gone, but they were around here not more than a minute ago." +And when the fright is over the two heads peep out of the top of +the pouch, and the old man grunts, as much as to say: "O, come on +out, there is no danger, and let your ma have a little rest, +'cause she is nervous," and then the babies come out and run +around the cage, and sit up on their hind feet and look wise. +That kangaroo pouch is a success, and I wonder why nature did not +provide pouches for all animals to carry their young in. I think +Pullman must have got his ideas for the upper and lower berths of +a sleeping car by seeing a kangaroo pouch. I am going to study +the kangaroo and make friends with the old man kangaroo, 'cause +he looks as though he had troubles of his own.</p> +<p>Pa showed up without any coat, while I was kangarooing, and +there was a rip in his pants, and I asked him what was the +trouble, and he said he got too near the cage of a leopard that +seemed to be asleep, and the traitor reached out his paw and +gathered in the tail of pa's coat, and just snatched it off his +back as though it was made of paper.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="494"><img alt="036.gif" src= +"Pictures/036.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#493">A Leopard Reached Out His +Paw<br> + and Gathered In the<br> + Tail of Pa's Coat</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa is a little discouraged about his experience in the circus +the first day, but he says it will be great when we get the run +of the business. He says every day will have its excitement. +Tomorrow they are going to extract a tooth from the +boa-constrictor, and pa and I are going to help hold him, while +the animal dentist pulls the tooth, and then we scrub the +rhinoceros, and oil the hippopotamus, and get everything ready to +start out on the road, and I can't write any more in my diary +until after we fix the snake. Gee, but he is as long as a +clothesline.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_III."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER III.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">Pa Reproves the Fat Woman for Losing Flesh--The +Bearded Lady</span><br> + <span class="c2">Faints in Pa's Arms--The Bad Boy Introduced Into +Animal</span><br> + <span class="c2">Society--They Pull the Boa Constrictor's +Ulcerated Tooth.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Winter Quarters of the Only Circus, April 20.--Pa has had a +hard job today. The boss complained to pa that the fat woman had +been taking anti-fat, or dieting, or something, 'cause she was +losing flesh, and the living skeleton was beginning to fat up. He +wanted pa to call them into the office and have a diplomatic talk +with them about their condition, 'cause if this thing continued +they would ruin the show.</p> +<p>So pa went to the office and sent for them, and I was there as +a witness, in case of trouble. The fat woman came in first, and +there was no chair big enough for her, so she sat down on a +leather lounge, which broke and let her down on the floor, and pa +tried to help her up, but it was like lifting a load of hay. So +he leaned her against the wall and said:</p> +<p>"Madame, the management has detailed me to censure you for +losing flesh, and I am instructed to say if you do not manage to +take on about fifty pounds more flesh before the show starts on +the road, you don't go along. What you want to do is to eat more +starchy food and sleep more at night. They tell me you go out +nights to dances and drink high balls, and this has got to stop. +Drink beer and eat cheese sandwiches at night, or it is all off. +This show can't afford to take along no 400-pound fairy for a fat +woman when the contract calls for a 500-pound mountain of flesh, +see?" and pa looked just as stern as could be.</p> +<p>The fat woman began to cry and sob, so it sounded like an +engine blowing off steam, and she told pa that the cause of her +losing flesh was that she was in love with the living skeleton, +and that he had been paying attention to the bearded woman, and +she would scratch her eyes out if she could catch her. Just then +the living skeleton came in, and when he saw the fat woman +sitting on the floor crying, and pa talking soothing to her and +telling her he could appreciate her condition, 'cause he had been +in love some hisself, the skeleton pushed pa away and tried to +lift it, and said: "What is the matter with my itty +tootsy-wootsy, and what has the bad old man with spinach on his +chin been doing to you?"</p> +<p>Then he turned on pa and his legs began to shake and rattle +like a pair of bones in a minstrel show, and he said: "I will +hold you responsible for this." Pa said he was not going to +interfere in the love affairs of any of the freaks, and just then +the bearded woman came in, and when she saw the living skeleton +holding the hand of the fat woman, who sat on the floor like a +balloon blowed up, the bearded woman gave a kick at the living +skeleton which sounded like clothes bars falling down in the +laundry, and she grabbed the fat woman's blonde wig and pulled it +off, and then the bearded woman began to cry and she threw +herself into pa's arms and began to sob on his bosom and mingle +her whiskers with his.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="491"><img alt="042.gif" src= +"Pictures/042.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#492">"I Will Hold You Responsible +for This!"</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa yelled for help, and I thought it was time for me to be +doing something, so I went outside the office to the fire alarm +box and touched a button, and then I run like thunder for the +police, and the firemen came with the extinguishers and began to +throw chemically charged water into the room, and the police +dragged out the fat woman, who had fainted, and the living +skeleton, whom she had pulled down into her lap, and laid them +out in the ring, and then they got hold of pa and pulled him out, +and the bearded woman had fainted in pa's arms and the stove was +tipped over and was setting fire to the furniture and they +brought the bearded woman and the fat woman to their senses by +pouring water on them from a hose. Finally they were sent to +their quarters, and the other owner of the show came to pa and +said he hoped this would be the last of that kind of business, as +long as pa remained with the show, that one of the rules was that +no man in an executive capacity must under any circumstances take +any liberties with any of the females connected with the +show.</p> +<p>Pa was hot, and said when women got crazy in love no man was +safe, and the other owner of the show said that was all right +this time, but not to let it occur again, and pa tried to explain +how the bearded woman came to jump on to him and faint in his +arms, but the owner said: "That is all right, but you can't hold +'em in your arms before folks," and then pa offered to whip any +man who said he was in love with any bearded woman, and he pulled +off his coat. Just then I came along and told the whole story, +and then the crowd all had a good laugh, and pa took them all out +and treated.</p> +<p>I guess it is all settled now, 'cause the living skeleton and +the fat woman have got permission to get married, the bearded +lady is sweet on pa, and a girl has just joined the show, who +walks a wire, and she says I am about the sweetest thing that +ever came down the pike, and I guess this show business is all +right, all right.</p> +<p>April 21.--We are getting acquainted with the animals, and it +is just like going into society.</p> +<p>There is the aristocracy, which consists of the high born +animals, the middle class and the low down, common herd, and when +you go among the animals as strangers you are received just as +you would be in society. If you are properly introduced to the +elephants by the elephant keeper, who vouches for your standing +and honor, the elephants take to you all right and extend to you +certain courtesies, same as society people would invite you to +dinner, but if you wander around and sort of butt in, the +elephants are on to you in a minute and roll their eyes at you +and look upon you as a common "person," and if you attempt any +familiarity they look at you as much as to say: "Sir, I am not +allowed to associate with any except the 400." Then they turn +their backs and act so much like shoddy aristocracy that you +would swear they were human.</p> +<p>I remember when pa was first in the elephant corral, the +keeper forgot to tell the big elephant who pa was, and when the +keeper raised up one foot of the elephant and examined a corn, pa +went up and pinched a bunch on the elephant's leg and said to the +keeper: "That looks to me like a spavin," and he nebbed it hard. +Well, the elephant groaned like a boy with a stone bruise on his +heel, and before pa knew what was coming the elephant wound his +trunk under pa and raised pa upon his tusks and was going to toss +him in the air and catch him as he came down and walk on him, +when pa yelled murder and the keeper took an iron hook and hooked +it into the elephant's skin, and said: "Let that man down," and +he let pa down easy, and the keeper some way showed the elephant +that pa was one of the owners of the show, and that elephant +acted just as human as could be, for he fairly toadied to pa, +like a society leader that has given the cold shoulder to some +one that is as good or better than they, or like an impudent +employee who has insulted his employer and is afraid of losing +his job. After that whenever pa and I go around the elephants +they bow down to us, and I think I could take an iron hook and +drive an elephant anywhere.</p> +<p>There are all classes among the animals in a menagerie the +same as human society. The lions are like the leaders of society +who are well born and proud but poor. They are always invited +everywhere, but never entertain, though they kick and find fault +and ogle everybody and look wise and distinguished.</p> +<p>The sacred cattle are too good to live and pose as the pious +animals who do not want to associate with the bad animals and are +constantly wearing an air of "I am holier than any of you," but +they will reach through the bars of their cage and steal alfalfa +from the Yak and the mule deer, and if they kick about it the +sacred cattle look hurt and act like it was part of their duty to +take up a collection, and they bellow a sort of hymn to drown the +kicking.</p> +<p>The different kind of goats in a menagerie are the butters-in, +or the new rich, who get in the way of the society leaders and +try to outdo them in society stunts, but they smell so that the +other animals are made sick and the goats are only tolerated +because animal society is afraid to offend them, for fear the +leaders may some time go into bankruptcy and the goats will take +their places and never let them get a smell of the good things of +life.</p> +<p>The bears are the working people of the show, and the big +grizzlies are the walking delegates who control the amalgamated +association of working bears, and the occupants of the other +cages have got to cater to Uncle Ephraim, the walking delegate, +or be placed on the unfair list and slugged.</p> +<p>The hyenas and the jackals and the wolves represent the +anarchists who are down on everybody in the show, who won't do a +thing to help along and won't allow any other animal to do +anything, and who seem to want to burn and slay, to carry a torch +by night and poison by day, and want everything in the show to be +chaos. Those animals are never so happy as when the wind and +lightning strike the tent, and blow it down and kill people and +create a panic, and then these anarchists sing and laugh and +enjoy their peculiar kind of animal religion.</p> +<p>The zebras and giraffes are the dudes of the show, and you can +imagine, if they were human, they would play tennis and golf, +drive four in hands and pose to be admired, while the Royal +Bengal tigers, if they were half human, would drive automobiles +at the rate of a mile a minute on crowded streets, run over +people and never stop to help the wounded, but skip away with a +sneer, as much as to say: "What are you going to do about +it?"</p> +<p>The hippopotamus is like the lazy fat man that groans from +force of habit, sits down as though it was the last act of his +life and only gets up when the bell rings for meals, and he +sweats blood for fear he will lose his meal ticket and starve to +death.</p> +<p>The seals are the clean-cut Baptists of the show, who believe +in immersion, and they have more brain than any animals in the +show, because they live on a fish diet, though they have a +pneumonia cough that makes you feel like sending for a +doctor.</p> +<p>Gee, but last night when we thought spring had come and we +could start on the road pretty soon, the snow fell about a foot +deep, and it was so cold that all the animals howled all night, +and shivered, and went on a regular strike. We had to put +blankets on them, and no one of them seemed to be comfortable +except the polar bears, the arctic foxes and the fat woman. The +other owners of the show thought it was a good time to take the +boa constrictor and pull an ulcerated tooth, 'cause he was sort +of dumpish, so pa and I helped hold the snake, which is about +twenty feet long.</p> +<p>Pa was up near the snake's head, and when the man with the +forceps got hold of the tooth and gave it a yank, the confounded +snake come to and began to stand on his head and thrash around, +and pa dropped his hold and started to climb the center pole, but +he got caught in a gasoline torch, and they had to turn a hose on +pa, and he was awful scared, 'cause he always did hate snakes, +but they gave the snake chloroform and got him quiet, and pa came +down, and they gave him a pair of baggy trousers belonging to the +clown, to go to dinner in, and pa was a sight.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="489"><img alt="050.gif" src= +"Pictures/050.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#490">They Had to Turn the Hose on +Pa.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_IV."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER IV.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">Pa Finds the Fat Lady a Burden--The Bad Boy Makes +His First</span><br> + <span class="c2">Public Appearance--He Talks Politics with the +Midget--Pa</span><br> + <span class="c2">Meets with Numerous Accidents.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>May 1.--We had the darndest time getting packed up and started +on the road. How in the name of heaven we ever got half the +things on the cars is more than I know, but it seems as though +the circus company had a man to look after everything, and he had +men under him to look after his regular share of things, so when +the cars were loaded, and the boss clapped his hands, and the +engineer tooted his whistle, there wasn't a tent stake or a rope, +or a board seat, or anything left behind. Every man knew exactly +where the things were that he was responsible for, so he could +lay his hands on them in the dark, and he knew just what wagon +his stuff was to go in.</p> +<p>Gee, but you talk about system, there is no business in the +world that has a system like a show on the road. Every performer +was in his or her section in the sleeper, and pa and I got an end +section with the freaks, the fat woman across the aisle from us. +That fat woman is going to make life a burden for pa, I can see +that plain enough. She is engaged to the living skeleton, and he +sleeps in the upper berth, over her, and he is jealous of pa, +while the fat woman has got to depending on pa to do little +things for her.</p> +<p>Of course, the first night out is always the worst on a +sleeper, and the poor woman is nervous, and when the animal +train, in the second section, ran on a side track beside our +train of sleepers, and Rajah, the boss lion, got woke up and +exploded one of his roars, within six feet of the fat woman's +berth, she just gave one yell, and reared up, and came down hard +in the berth. Something broke, and she went right through the +bottom of the berth to the floor, doubled up like a +jackknife.</p> +<p>Pa got up and went to her berth, though I told him to keep +away, 'cause he would get into trouble. First he stumbled over +one of her shoes, and said he thought he had told everybody to +keep their telescope valises in the baggage car, and that made +her mad. Then he reached in the berth and got hold of one of her +feet, and pa got the men to help and they got her out, but she +seemed all squshed together. She sat up all night and wanted to +lean on pa, but the skeleton kept his head over the rail of the +upper berth and his snake-like eye never left pa all night.</p> +<p>The bearded woman got up out of her berth about daylight, to +go to the toilet room for a shave, or a hair cut, or something, +and when she saw pa trying to soothe the fat woman and hold her +from breaking in two, she screamed and slapped pa's face, and had +a mess of hysterics. The fat woman grabbed a couple of handfuls +of female whiskers, and was going to pull them out by the roots, +when the bearded woman begged her not to pull them out, as to +lose her whiskers would destroy her means of livelihood.</p> +<p>Then the bugle blew for everybody to get up and go to the show +lot, and put up the tents for the first show of the season. When +we got out of the sleeper we asked where we were, and a man told +pa we were at Peoria, Ill., and he wanted pa to give him a +complimentary ticket for telling what town we were in, but pa +looked fierce at the man and asked what kind of an easy mark he +took him for, and the man slunk away. You wouldn't think they +could unload those two trains of cars, about 80 in all, in a +week, but when we got out the horses were hitched on the wagons, +and in 15 minutes they were loaded and on the way to the lot, and +pa and I got on the first wagon.</p> +<p>Talk about system. The surveyors were there ahead of us, and +had measured off the lot and pushed wire stakes in the ground +where the grub tent was to be, and when the first wagon of the +grub outfit arrived, which contained a big range, big enough to +cook for a thousand men, stove pipes were put on, which +telescoped up into the air, and in two minutes a fire was built +and bacon and potatoes and coffee were cooking, local bread +wagons were unloading bread on the grass, 50 men put up poles and +spread the tent on, and others set up tables in the tent, and in +half an hour breakfast was served to the first 500 men. Pa and I +drew up to the first table, but there was a yell to "put 'em +out," and we found we had sat down to the table of the negro +canvasmen, and they struck because they would not associate on an +equality with white trash.</p> +<p>Gee, but pa was mad. He said he was as good as any nigger, and +that made them mad and they threw boiled potatoes and scrambled +eggs at pa, and we had to retire, but when pa complained to the +boss canvasman, he told pa to go and eat with the freaks and try +and keep in his place.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="487"><img alt="056.gif" src= +"Pictures/056.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#488">They Threw Boiled Potatoes +and Scrambled Eggs at Pa.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>We got breakfast at another table, and then we went out on the +lot to superintend the putting up of the big tents. The greatest +thing was a wagon containing a miniature pile driver, run by +steam, which was driven around outside of where the big tents +were to be, and it drove down the big stakes so quick it would +make your head swim, and the grounds were covered with Peoria +people who wanted to see how it was done.</p> +<p>Pa imitated the boss canvasman by walking around the lot with +his coat over his arm, and a dirty shirt on, trying to look +tough, and he bossed the sightseers about, and acted cross, and +told a man and woman with a baby wagon to get off the lot, but pa +was called down by the principal owner of the show good and +plenty.</p> +<p>Said the owner to pa: "Remember, the success of our show +depends on the friendship and good will of the people who think +enough of us to come out to see us set up keeping house, and that +they are all our guests, and if they get in our way we should go +around them, and look pleasant. We must not get the big head and +show that our hair pulls, and that we are tired and cross. This +is a place of amusement, and all connected with the show are +expected to heal up sores, instead of causing bruises, and if you +ever see an employee of this show treating a visitor unkindly, +send him to the ticket wagon to get his wages, and tell him to go +away quick, and stay away long."</p> +<p>You could have lit a match to pa's face, it was so red hot, +but he learned a lesson, for I saw him holding a tired mother's +baby up on his shoulders, so it could see the drove of camels +come up to the lot from the train, soon after. It was great to +see all the tents go up as if raised by machinery, and after all +were erected, and the rings were graded, and the animals in the +menagerie tent all fed and watered, and the performers in the +dressing-room ready for the afternoon performance, pa was the +proudest man ever was. He walked all around, inspecting +everything, and kicking occasionally at something that got balled +up, and when the crowd came to buy tickets, he stood around the +grand entrance, looking wise, and he was so good natured that he +bet ten dollars he could guess which walnut shell a bean was +under, which a three-card monte man was losing money at, and pa +lost his ten with a smile. He said he wanted to be kind to the +patrons of the show.</p> +<p>This was my first appearance in the show business. I had to +stand up beside the giant, to show how little I was, and then I +had to stand up beside the midget to show how big I was compared +with him. It went all right with the giant, because he was so big +I was afraid of him, but I thought the midget was about my age, +and needed protection, and when the crowd surged around us I +said: "Don't be afraid, little fellow, I will see that no one +harms you." The look he gave me was enough to freeze water.</p> +<p>When the crowd had gone into the big show tent, what do you +think, that confounded midget began to ask me how I stood on the +tariff question, and he argued for free trade, whatever that is, +for half an hour, and made me think of Bryan during a campaign, +and then he branched off on to the Monroe doctrine, which I +suppose is something connected with a rival show, and I guess he +would be talking yet, only a big husky fellow came along, a +fellow about 25 years old, and he stooped over and put his hand +on the midget's shoulder and said: "Hello, dad," and by gosh, the +midget introduced me to the big galoot as his youngest son. +Wouldn't that skin you.</p> +<p>The first day of the season was great, only all the performers +had not got limbered up. One of the girls on the flying trapeze +fell off into the net from the roof of the tent and broke her +suspenders, so when they got her down in the ring it seemed as +though everything she had on was going to shuck loose, and leave +her with nothing but a string of beads, and pa went up to wrap +his coat around her, and she kicked his hat off and ran into the +dressing-room. The audience just yelled, and pa blushed scarlet, +'cause he saw it was a put-up job to make him ridiculous.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="485"><img alt="060.gif" src= +"Pictures/060.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#486">She Kicked Pa's Hat +Off.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>During the chariot races pa had to jump like a box car to keep +from being run over by a four-horse chariot driven by a one-horse +girl, and the attendants dragged pa out from under a bunch of +horses being ridden barebacked, like fury. Then two horses +hitched together with a strap were being ridden by a woman, the +strap broke and the horses spread apart, and some one yelled that +she had split clear in two. Pa rushed in to help carry one half +of her into the dressing-room, but she wasn't hurt at all, 'cause +the peanut boy told me she was a rubber woman, and you could +stretch her half way across the ring, and she would come together +all right, and eat a hearty meal. Gee, but a circus is a great +place to study human nature.</p> +<p>In the evening performance at Peoria there came up a windstorm +which blew down part of the menagerie tent, where the freaks +were, and when the storm was over, and the tent top was pulled up +again, they found pa all right. He started to crawl under the +canvas, and skip out for fear of the animals, but the fat lady +caught him and sat down on him.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="WITH_THE_CIRCUS"></a> +<h2>WITH THE CIRCUS</h2> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_V."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER V.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Rogue Elephant Creates a Panic and Pa Proves +Himself a</span><br> + <span class="c2">Hero--The Bad Boy Gets Scolded for "Being +Tough"--He Finds</span><br> + <span class="c2">That Audiences Like Accidents.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>May 6.--We had the worst time at Akron last week and pa proved +himself a hero, though he was swatted good by the rogue elephant +before he got his second wind and went for the animal.</p> +<p>We have a male elephant that is almost human, 'cause he gets +on a tear about once a month, like a regular ugly husband. You +can't tell when his mind is in condition for running amuck, but +suddenly he will whoop like a drunken man, strike his poor +patient wife over the back with his trunk and grab her tail and +try to pull it out by the roots, and jump up and crack his heels +together like a drunken shoemaker, and bellow as though he was +saying he was a bad man from Bitter Creek.</p> +<p>Well, at Akron, the keeper of this elephant, Bolivar, had to +go and see a girl that he met when the show was here last year, +and settle a case of breach of promise before a justice of the +peace, and the boss told pa to look after the elephant for an +hour or so. So pa took a pole with a hook in it and sat down on a +bale of hay to watch Bolivar. It was one of those hot days, and +Bolivar stood drooping and perspiring, and wishing the show was +in Alaska, and pa was kind of sleepy, like everybody in the show, +when suddenly that elephant whooped, and swatted Jeanette, his +wife, a couple of times, and she cried pitiful, and pa put the +hook in Bolivar's hide and gave a jerk, and told him to hush up +that noise, but Bolivar just reared and pitched and walked right +through the side of the menagerie tent, and seemed to say to the +other animals: "Come on, boys; there is going to be something +doing," and the animals all set up a howl in their own language, +as though they were saying: "Whooper up, old man, and don't let +them monkey with you."</p> +<p>Bolivar went out in the street and mowed a wide swath, with pa +after him, hooking him all the time, but he paid no attention to +pa. He put his head under the side of a street ear loaded with +negroes that had come to see the show, dressed in their Sunday +clothes, and tipped the car over on the side, and the negroes +crawled through the windows and went uptown yelling murder, while +Bolivar went in front of a grocery store where there was a pile +of watermelons, and began to throw them at the people in the +street, and the negroes thought an elephant was not so bad, so +they came back and had a feast.</p> +<p>Pa tried to head off Bolivar at the grocery, but Bolivar took +half a watermelon and put the red side on top of pa's head, and +squashed it down so the seeds and juice and pulp ran down pa's +shirt and neck, and he looked as though murder had been +committed, but pa wiped his face on his shirt sleeve and showed +game, because he kept mauling Bolivar with the hook. Bolivar +broke up a millinery store by throwing tomatoes at the women in +the windows, and he went into a yard where a woman was washing +and squirted the bluing water all over the woman, and all over +pa, and then he chewed the clothes on the line, and drove the +family over the fence.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="483"><img alt="064.gif" src= +"Pictures/064.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#484">Bolivar Took Half a +Watermelon<br> + and Put the Red Side on Top of Pa's Head.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>You'd a died to see those milliners climb over a high board +fence head first, and Bolivar actually seemed to laugh. Bolivar +run one of his tusks through a barrel of gasoline, and it run out +on the street car track, and an electric spark set it on fire, +and the fire department turned out, but the engines had to all go +around Bolivar, 'cause he wouldn't budge an inch, but seemed to +say: "Let 'er rip, boys; this is the Fourth of July."</p> +<p>The circus men began to come with ropes and clubs, to tie +Bolivar and throw him, but he escaped into a side street and +watched the engines put out the fire, and he swung around with +his trunk and tusks and wouldn't let anyone come near him but pa +with the hook, and he seemed to enjoy the prodding, but I guess +that gave him courage to keep on doing things.</p> +<p>The principal proprietor of the show came along, and when he +saw pa with watermelon and bluing water all over him, and +perspiration rolling down his face, he said to pa: "Why don't you +take your elephant back to the lot, 'cause the afternoon +performance is about to begin," and that made pa mad, and he +said: "You go on with your afternoon performance, and I will have +Bolivar there all right," and then everybody laughed, but pa knew +what he was about.</p> +<p>Pa dropped his hook and went to a hose cart and took a Babcock +extinguisher and strapped it on his back and went up to Bolivar, +who was tipping over some dummies in front of a clothing store, +and pa said: "Bolivar, you lay down," but Bolivar threw a +seven-dollar suit of clothes at pa, and bellowed, as much as to +defy pa. Pa turned the cock of the extinguisher, and pointed the +nozzle at Bolivar's head, and began to squirt the medicated water +all over him. For a moment Bolivar acted as though he couldn't +take a joke, and was going to start off again, but pa kept +squirting, and when the chemical water began to eat into +Bolivar's hide, the big animal weakened, and trumpeted in token +of surrender, and kneeled down in front of pa, and finally got +down so pa could get on his back, and pa took the hook and hooked +it in the flap of Bolivar's ear, where is a tender spot, and he +told Bolivar to get up and go back to the tent, and Bolivar was +as meek as a lamb, and he got up, with pa on his back, and the +fire extinguisher on pa's back, and marched back to the tent, +through the hole he had made coming out. Thousands of people +followed, and cheered pa, and when they got in the tent pa said +to the principal owner of the show, who had made fun of him: +"Here's your elephant, and whenever any of your old animals get +on the warpath, and you want 'em rounded up, don't forget my +number, 'cause I can knock the spots out of any animal except a +giraffe." The crowd cheered pa again and he got down off the +elephant, took off his fire extinguisher, and handed Bolivar a +piece of rag carpet, and said: "Eat it, you old catamaran, or +I'll kill you," and Bolivar was so scared of pa he eat the +carpet, which shows the power of brain over avoirdupois, pa +says.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="481"><img alt="068.gif" src= +"Pictures/068.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#482">Pa Turned the Cock of the +Extinguisher<br> + and Pointed the Nozzle at Bolivar's Head.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The regular keeper of Bolivar heard he was on the rampage, and +he came back on the run to conquer him, after pa had got him back +in the tent, but Bolivar looked at him with a faraway look in his +eyes, as much as to say: "Seems to me I have met you somewhere +before, but a new king has been crowned," and he took his old +keeper by the back of his coat and threw him toward the monkey +cage. The monkeys gave the keeper the laugh, and Bolivar put his +trunk lovingly on pa's shoulder, and seemed to say: "Old man, you +are it, from this time out." Pa looked proud, and the old keeper +looked sick. The people in the show are going to present pa with +a loving cup, and I guess he can run the menagerie part of the +show.</p> +<p>When the freaks heard of pa's bravery, the fat woman and the +bearded lady wanted to hug pa, but pa waved them away, and said +he liked the elephant business best.</p> +<p>May 7.--I used to think that if I could belong to a circus, and +go away with it when it left the town I lived in, that it would +be pretty near going to heaven. I used to hope for the time when +I would get nerve enough to run away, and go with a circus, and +wear a dirty shirt, and be around a tent and wash off the legs of +a spotted horse with castile soap, and when people gathered about +me to watch the proceedings, to look tough and tell them in a +hoarse voice way down my throat, sort of husky from sleeping in +the wet straw with the spotted horse, that they must go on about +their business, and not disturb the horse.</p> +<p>I had thought if I should run away and go with a circus, some +day, when I got far enough away from ma, that I would up and +swear, and be tough, and when I came home in the fall, and the +neighbor boys would come around me, I would chew tobacco and tell +them of the joys of circus life. Well, maybe I will some day, but +at present I am sleepy all the time.</p> +<p>We have showed six times the last week, and traveled a +thousand miles, and it seems as though there is nothing doing but +putting up and taking down tents, and going to and from the cars, +and you can't be tough, 'cause there is always some boss around +to tell you to look pleasant if you are cross, and to tell you to +change your shirt or get out of the show, and if you swear at +anything you are called down.</p> +<p>Pa and I put in a good deal of time during the afternoon and +evening performances in the dressing-room, near the door leading +to the main tent. That is the nearest to being in an insane +asylum of any place I was ever in. The performers get ready for +their several acts in bunches or families, all in one spot, and +they act serious and jaw each other, and each bunch acts as +though their act was all there was to the show, and if it was cut +out for any reason, the show would have to lay up for the season, +when in fact each one is only a cog in the great wheel, and if +one cog should slip, the wheel would turn just the same. These +people never smile before they go in the ring, but just act as +though too much depended on them to crack a smile. When a bunch +is called to go in the ring, they all look at each other as +though it was the parting of the ways, and they clasp hands and +go out of the dressing-room as though walking on eggs. When they +get in the ring they look around to see if all eyes are upon +them, and bow to people who are looking at something going on in +another ring, and who don't see them, and then they go through +their performance with everybody looking somewhere else.</p> +<p>When the act is over the audience seems glad, and clap their +hands because they are polite, and it don't cost anything to clap +hands, and the performers turn some more flip flaps, and go +running out to the dressing-room, and take a peek back into the +big tent as though expecting an encore, but the audience has +forgotten them and is looking for the next mess of performers, +and the ones who have just been in go and lie down on straw and +wonder if they can hit the treasurer for an advance on their +salaries, so they can go to a beer garden and forget it all.</p> +<p>An average audience never gets its money's worth unless some +one is hurt doing some daring act. Pa suggested that they have +some one pretend to be hurt in every act, and have them picked up +and carried out on stretchers with doctors wearing red crosses on +their arms in attendance, giving medicine and restoratives. The +show tried it at Bucyrus, O., and had seven men and two women +injured so they had to be carried out, and the audience went +wild, and almost mobbed the dressing-room, to see the doctor +operate on the injured. It was such a great success that next +week we are going to put in an automobile ambulance and have an +operating table in the dressing-room with a gauze screen so the +audiences can see us cut off legs like they do in a hospital. +Maybe we shall put in a dissecting room if the people seem to +demand it.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_VI."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER VI.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Puts Fly-Paper in the Bob Cat's +Cage--The Bob Cat</span><br> + <span class="c2">Causes a Panic in the Main Tent--The Midget +Quarrels with the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Giant--Pa is Almost Arrested for Kidnaping and +the Ostrich</span><br> + <span class="c2">Swallows His Diamond Stud.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>May 14.--This has been a week that would kill anybody, and pa +and I talk of resigning, though pa feels as though he didn't want +to break up the show by going away right in the middle of the +harvesting of shekels from the country men, and I don't know what +would happen if pa and I should both be taken sick at the same +time.</p> +<p>The boss of the menagerie got a new animal by express from +Colorado when we were leaving Akron, O., and we got it in one end +of a cage occupied by a happy family of rabbits, coons, a spotted +leopard and a hound dog and a house cat. The new animal was a bob +cat, such as Roosevelt shoots when the man has the camera ready +to catch him in the act. Say, but that bob cat is a terror, and +crosser than any animal we got, except the hyenas. The bob cat +just walked around and snarled and spit at the happy family +through the bars, and kept them awake all night on the road, and +the happy family held a sort of convention and I could see by the +way they all looked at me that they were passing resolutions +inviting me to break up the bob cat business. The manager of the +menagerie told pa he wished the confounded bob cat would escape, +'cause he was a blooming nuisance, so I thought I would help get +rid of the beast, and save the show from disgrace. So when we got +to Oberlin I thought that was a pious community that could stand +a wild bob cat, so I put several sheets of sticky tanglefoot fly +paper in the bob cat's cage and opened the door of the cage, +after the crowd had gone into the main tent to the big show, and +the menagerie tent was empty except the keepers. They were all +asleep under the wagons, and the animals had all curled down for +a nap, and the freaks were on their platform lolling around, +waiting for the main show to be out so they could do their stunts +over again.</p> +<p>The bob cat got all his four feet in the tanglefoot fly paper, +then he grabbed a sheet in his mouth and rolled over in a few +more sheets, and when he was entirely harmless and you couldn't +tell what he was, I opened the door of the cage and he went out +like a rocket, and rolled over a few times in the sawdust, and +then jumped on the platform with the freaks, run over the fat +woman, who was laying back in a Morris chair, and left one of the +sheets of fly paper on her low neck, and it stuck like a porous +plaster. She yelled that she had been stabbed, and pa came along +just as the bob cat jumped off the platform, and struck pa on the +back, and the cat spit at pa, and pa fell over among the sacred +cattle and rolled under a cow and got on his knees, when the +animals all began to roar, and pa crawled behind a bale of hay, +and a zebra stepped on pa's face, and pa yelled "Hey, Rube," +which is a grand hailing sign of distress when circus men want to +fight, and about a hundred of the canvasmen came running with +tent stakes to hit people with.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="479"><img alt="076.gif" src= +"Pictures/076.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#480">The Bob Cat Struck Pa on the +Back.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa crawled out from the bale of hay, which he had pulled over +him, and the hay stuck to the fly paper on pa, and a camel began +to eat the hay, and he chewed pa's shirt until the hands pulled +pa away.</p> +<p>The bob cat escaped into the main tent, just as the Japanese +jugglers were juggling in No. 1 ring, and the elephants were +standing on their heads in No. 2 ring, and the flying trapeze +artists were jumping from one trapeze to another, and the bob cat +rushed through the Japanese, and amongst the elephants, with the +fly paper all over him, and the audience fairly yelled, 'cause +they thought it was a clown dressed up to do some stunt, but the +Japanese left the ring in a panic, while the elephants got down +off their heads and stood on their hind feet and cried like +children.</p> +<p>The audience saw that something had happened that was serious +and they all rose to their feet and were going off into a panic +when pa and a few brave men came and drove the bob cat up a +centerpole, away up above the torches, and made speeches to the +audience, and quieted them down, and the performance went on. But +pa was a sight, and the head circus man told pa he would have to +dress better, or forever after hold his peace, and pa said if any +man could be more patient than he was, with a bob cat on his +neck, a sacred cow walking on him, and a camel trying to eat his +whiskers and shirt, they better hire that man.</p> +<p>But it was all fixed up and everybody apologized to everybody, +and the bob cat went on up the center pole and out on top of the +canvas and escaped into Ohio, where it will probably be holding +office before next fall.</p> +<p>Gee, but the giant is a coward. When the bob cat began to run +up the giant's leg, and then up his back, and then jumped from +his shoulder onto the fat lady, the giant turned pale and cried, +and the midget said to him: "O, you big stiff, why didn't you +have sand enough to hold the kitty till the keeper came? I've a +good mind to get on a stepladder and kick you," and the cowardly +giant cried again, and said if the midget ever struck him he +would report him to the management. Just then pa came along and +asked what the row was about, and when pa found that the midget +was trying to pick a quarrel with the giant, he took the midget +across his knee and gave him a few spanks, and told him to quit +bullying the freaks. The midget got up on a barrel and called his +son, who is bigger than pa, when I stepped in between them and +told the midget's son if he struck my father I would have his +heart's blood, and he quailed, and then I bullied the giant, who +is a coward, and now they are all afraid of me.</p> +<p>I don't see how a big fellow like a giant can be afraid of +things smaller than he is, and shy when a dog barks, and be +afraid some one is going to smash him in the jaw, but pa says the +size of a man don't make any difference, 'cause it is the heart +that does the business. A man may be big enough and strong enough +to tip over a box car, loaded with pig iron, but if his heart is +one of these little ones intended for a miser, with no pepper +sauce running from the heart to the arteries and things, and a +liver that is white, and nerves that are trembly, and no gall to +speak of, why a big man is liable to be walked all over by a +nervy little man who is spunky, and gets mad and froths at the +mouth.</p> +<p>I have been having great times with the monkeys, and I guess +the manager will make me superintendent of monkeys, 'cause they +all seem to be stuck on me, and will do anything I tell them to. +Pa says they think I am some new kind of a monkey, and they look +up to me. I lead out the big monkeys that ride the goats and +dogs, and have a horse race in the ring, and fasten them on the +little animals, and when they ride around the ring on the dogs +and goats and ponies, they keep looking at me as though they +wanted my approval.</p> +<p>There is one little monkey that sleeps nearly all the time, +and I played a trick on pa with it that like to got me arrested +and licked by a man who was mad. A man and woman with a baby in a +little wagon were going through the menagerie, and it was +crowded, and they left the baby and wagon in pa's charge, near +the monkey cage, while they went to see the hippopotamus. Pa is +the most accommodating man about holding babies that ever was. +The baby was asleep when its folks left it in the wagon with pa, +but it woke up while they were gone, and pa took it out of the +baby wagon and carried it around just as he would at home, and +showed it the animals, and held it up on his shoulder, and I took +the little monkey and put it in the baby wagon, and it went to +sleep, and I put a veil over it, and was standing by the wagon +talking with a peanut butcher, when the parents of the baby came +back, and the woman raised up the veil to see if the child was +asleep, when the monkey woke up and put its hairy hands up to rub +it eyes. The monkey looked up at the woman with beady eyes and +began to chatter, and she yelled and her husband took a look at +the monk, and he was mad. They could both see it was a monkey +instead of a baby, and they asked where the old man with the chin +whiskers was that they left the baby with, and the peanut butcher +said: "What, that old guy with the checkered vest? Why, he has +gone with the baby over to the lion cage, where they are feeding +the lions. Don't you see him holding the baby upon his shoulder?" +By ginger, I never saw two people sprint the way they did, 'cause +I guess they thought pa was sure crazy, and would give the baby +to the lions. But I told them the old man was all right, and +would bring the baby back, and if he didn't they could have the +monkey, 'cause I didn't want them to think they were going to be +losers while attending our show. Then I chucked the monkey under +the chin and said: "Maybe this is your baby, 'cause they change +wonderfully when they get into a show."</p> +<p>Well, I just had time to put the monkey back in the cage when +I saw that couple surround pa, and the woman grabbed the baby out +of his arms, and the man tackled pa around the legs below the +knee, and threw pa down under the ostrich cage, and said: "You +kidnaper! I am a good mind to choke the life out of you," and he +squeezed pa's windpipe until pa's tongue run out, when a +canvasman came along and hit the man in the ear, and he laid down +near a zebra, and the zebra kicked at the man and hit pa, 'cause +a zebra is crosseyed and kicks like a woman throws a stone, and +no man knows where it listeth.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="477"><img alt="084.gif" src= +"Pictures/084.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#478">The Man Tackled +Pa.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa got up to murder the man that choked him, when the ostrich +reached its head out between the bars of the cage and picked pa's +big diamond stud off his shirt, big as a piece of rock candy, and +swallowed it, and pa said that's the limit, and he called the +manager and asked him how he was going to get his diamond stud +out of the ostrich. The manager told pa to go to the +dressing-room and ask the woman who has charge of the wardrobe +for the ostrich stomach pump, and when he got the stomach pump +the manager said the ostrich would cough up the diamond stud. Pa +went off to the dressing-room to get the ostrich stomach pump, +and I knew there was going to be trouble, 'cause I thought the +manager was just stringing pa.</p> +<p>Well, he went up to the woman in the dressing-room, and said +he came after her stomach pump, ostrich size, and you'd a died to +see the ruction. The woman looked at pa as though he had escaped +from a sanitarium, and then she seemed to think he was trying to +make game of her, and she said: "You old skate, do you know who +you have the honor of addressing? I am the queen of this realm, +and they all kow-tow to me; now you come and take your medicine," +and before pa could say boo she had pulled a big clothes bag over +his head and tied it around his feet, and said: "Come on, girls, +we are going to have roasted missionary," and they were lighting +a gasoline torch to roast pa, when the owner of the show came +along and asked what was up. When the wardrobe woman told him pa +had insulted her, the owner gave her $10 to buy champagne for the +performers, and she released pa, and he went back to choke his +diamond out of the ostrich.</p> +<p>Pa says this life is more exciting, if anything, than staying +at home, and it will either kill him or cure him of a desire to +be a Barnum in about a month more.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_VII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER VII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Circus Has a Yellow Fever Scare--The Bad Boy +and His Dad</span><br> + <span class="c2">Dress Up as Hottentots--Pa Takes a Mustard Bath +and Attends a</span><br> + <span class="c2">Revival Meeting.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Well, we have had a row for your life, and all the excitement +anybody can stand. We got into Indiana and have had a yellow +fever scare, a quarantine that lasted one night, so nobody could +sleep on our train, a riot at Evansville 'cause we took on a +couple of female trapeze women that came from Honduras, via New +Orleans, and a revival of religion, all in one bunch, and pa is +beginning to get haggard, like a hag.</p> +<p>The female trapeze performers, who had been expected ever +since we started on the road, had been quarantined at New +Orleans, where the yellow fever is raging, and finally got +through the quarantine guard somewhere in Mississippi, and got to +us Saturday afternoon, and some official telegraphed to the mayor +that two yellow fever refugees had struck his town to join the +circus, and he ordered the chief of police to hunt them out, and +put them in a pest house. The Honduras females were yellow as +saffron, but it was caused by the climate of Honduras, but the +whole show was scared to death for fear we would all have yellow +fever, and the management detailed pa and I to hide the yellow +girls from the police.</p> +<p>Pa fixed up one of the cages, with the girls blacked up as +Hottentots and pa and I blacked up as an African king and prince +of the blood, and we did stunts in the cage at afternoon and +evening performances, and the crowd could not keep away from our +cage, until pa got hot and unbuttoned his shirt and, before we +knew it, everybody saw pa's white skin below where his face and +neck were blacked, and while we were talking gibberish to each +other a country jake got mad and he led a crowd to open the cage +and make us remove our shirts to prove that we were +Hottentots.</p> +<p>When they found we were white people blacked up they wanted +their money back and were going to tip over the cage, when pa +saved the day by making a speech, at the evening performance, to +the effect that we were all yellow fever refugees from New +Orleans and the mob lit out on the run for the main tent, where +they announced that there were four cases of fever in the +menagerie tent, and that settled it.</p> +<p>The mayor and police closed the show on account of yellow +fever, and we couldn't get out of the tent. Pa had been quite +close to the yellow girls and when he found out that yellow fever +was a disease that catches you when not looking, and in 15 +minutes you look like a corpse, and in four hours you are liable +to be a sure enough corpse, he shook the yellow girls, and asked +an old sailor what a man ought to do who has been exposed to +yellow fever, and the old sailor, who has had yellow fever lots +of times, told pa to strip off his clothes and take a bath of +prepared mustard, and rub it in thoroughly, and then wipe it off, +and take a vinegar rub, and after that sprinkle a little red +pepper on himself, put on different clothes and drink about a +gallon of red lemonade and he could defy yellow fever.</p> +<p>Pa is an easy mark and he believed the old sailor, who is +tattooed and makes a show of himself with the freaks, and pa took +a change of clothes and a bottle of mustard and a cruet of +vinegar and a bottle of red pepper and went into a dressing room +and got behind a wagon and began to take the cure the sailor had +prescribed. I don't know as it was right to do it, but about the +time pa had got to the red pepper course and was sprinkling it on +his skin pretty thick, and he was beginning to get pretty hot, +and was yelling a little, I told the chief of police, who was +looking around with the health officer for suspicious cases, that +there was a man acting sort of queer behind the wagon that had a +piece of canvas over the wheels. They both rushed in on pa and +grabbed him.</p> +<p>Gee! but pa looked and smelled like a plate of pigs' feet and +the doctor said it was an unmistakable case of yellow fever, he +could tell by the smell, and then pa turned pale and yellow from +fright, and they wrapped him up in a piece of canvas and took him +away in an emergency hospital ambulance, and the whole show at +once knew that we were in for a quarantine.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="475"><img alt="090.gif" src= +"Pictures/090.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#476">The Doctor Said it was<br> + an Unmistakable Case of Yellow Fever.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>They burned up the suit of clothes pa took off and the one he +was going to put on, and the ambulance drove away, while pa shook +one fist at the sailor and one at me, and his skin began to +shrink and smart, and he yelled, and the audience stampeded, and +the show was in the dumps.</p> +<p>We had to stay over Sunday in Evansville, and the show people +were so scared the manager thought he better have religious +services in the tent Sunday, so they got a revivalist preacher to +preach to them, a fellow who used to preach to the cowboys out +west. Sunday morning the tough fellows in the show said they +wouldn't do a thing to the preacher when he came on to do his +stunt. Their idea was to wait until he got well on his sermon and +then begin to interrupt him and ask questions, and finally to get +a blanket and toss him up a few times for luck, and then chase +him out and have the circus bulldog, that chews the clown's +pants, catch the minister's coat tail and just scare him plum to +death.</p> +<p>The boys said it would be the biggest picnic that ever was--a +regular barbecue. The boss canvasman said he was opposed to +mixing religion with the circus business, because the fellows +could get all the religion they needed in the winter, when the +show was laid up and he would see the boys through in anything +they proposed to do to the sky pilot that was going to play his +game in ring No. 1 at 10:30 the next day.</p> +<p>Well, after I heard the circus men talk about what they would +do to the preacher, I was afraid they would kill him, so when he +and a helper brought a little melodeon into the ring, facing the +reserved seats, I told him the boys were going to raise a rumpus +and drive him out of the tent with the bulldog hanging to his +coat tails. He put his hand on his pistol pocket and pulled a +long, blue gun about half way out, and let it drop back down +beside his leg, and he winked at me and said he guessed not, +scarcely, as he had preached to crowds so tough that a circus +gang was a Sunday school in comparison.</p> +<p>Then I got on a front seat to watch the fun. About 800 of the +circus hands, performers, clowns and peanut butchers, came in, +snickering, and sat down on the reserved seats in front of the +little pulpit, improvised from the barrels the elephants stand +on, and some of them laughed and said: "Hello, Bill!" and "Ah, +there!" and "Get on to his collar," and a lot of other +things.</p> +<p>The little husky preacher had a Salvation Army girl to play +the melodeon, and he didn't take any notice of the remarks the +boys made, except to set his jaws together and moisten his lips. +Finally they were all seated, and he got up to open the services, +when a big canvasman, a regular Smart Aleck, got up on a seat and +said: "Pardner, how you going to open this jack pot?"</p> +<p>The crowd laughed and the preacher pulled his long blue gun up +out of his pocket, and laid it on the barrel, and then picked it +up and pointed it at the big canvasman and said: "This game is +going to be opened with this hand, seven of a kind, all 45 +caliber, dum-dum bullets, and unless you sit down quick I will +send a mess of bullets into your carcass right where your heart +ought to be. If you open your mouth again before I say 'amen!' +real loud at the close of the services, I will shoot all your +front teeth out. Do you comprehend? If so, be seated."</p> +<p>The big fellow dropped on to the blue seat, as though he had +been hit with a piledriver, and the crowd was so tickled to have +the bully's bluff called, that they cheered the preacher. Then he +said, "We will now open this jack pot with singing and I shall +keep one eye on the gentleman who was last up, but who is now +seated pretty low down."</p> +<p>You could have heard a pin drop.</p> +<p>The preacher wiped his face calmly, and said: "We will now +sing and I expect every man will sing, and to that end I will +appoint Big Ike, who asked me how I was going to open this jack +pot, to come down in front of the seats and lead in the singing, +for I know by his voice, which I heard in debate, that he is a +crackerjack," and the preacher took hold of the handle of the +blue gun and Big Ike walked down through the rows of seats, and +as the melodeon began to squawk, Ike got down in front of the +audience, and some of the boys said: "Bully for you, Ike," and +after scratching his head a minute Ike turned and walked towards +the preacher, at the edge of the ring, and I thought there was +going to be the worst fight ever was, and as the preacher reached +for the gun I crawled under the seat, and peeked out between the +legs of a fat man, but Ike walked up to the minister and said, as +the melodeon began to cough: "Boys, this tune is on Ike." He +started it and every man sang.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="473"><img alt="094.gif" src= +"Pictures/094.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#474">After Scratching His Head a +Minute,<br> + Ike Turned and Walked Toward the Preacher.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>When it was ended the boys clapped and stamped for an encore, +and they sang it through again, and the face of the preacher +beamed with joy, and I saw there was not going to be any fight +and I crawled out from under the seats.</p> +<p>Pa came in the tent just then, with a new suit of clothes on, +having been discharged from the hospital as cured of yellow +fever, and I gave him my seat, and he held me in his lap.</p> +<p>The preacher then preached a sermon that did them all good. He +dwelt upon the hard life of the showman, and gave them such good +advice that when it was all over and he said he wanted to shake +hands with every man in the bunch, Ike marshaled them all up to +the ring and introduced them, and no minister ever was more +cordially congratulated, and they wanted him to go along with the +show, and preach every Sunday.</p> +<p>The preacher said he couldn't join the show, but he traveled +around a good deal and he would probably be in the same town with +the show several times during the summer and he would drop in on +them occasionally and keep them straight.</p> +<p>Pa was watching the crowd for the sailor who prescribed +cayenne pepper for yellow fever, and when he saw the sailor come +up to the minister, with tears in his eyes, and say: "Parson, I +has been a bad man and killed a man once, but he was a Portuguese +sailor, and he had the drop on me, the same as you did on Big Ike +at the opening of these proceedings, and I had to kill him. And I +begs the pardon of this old gentleman for lying to him." And then +pa shook hands with the sailor and the parson, and the parson put +his blue gun down his trousers leg, and said: "By the way, the +bulldog you were going to let take a lunch off me, is he all +right?"</p> +<p>Then the parson and the girl went away, and the boys carried +out the melodeon, and the quarantine was declared off. After +dinner the boys took down the tents and put them on the train +that Sunday afternoon, singing decent songs as they pulled up the +stakes and rolled up the canvas, and on the train, late in the +night, we could hear "Old Hundred" being sung as the cars ran +through the pennyrial district of Indiana.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_VIII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER VIII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">Pa Takes the Place of the Fat Woman with +Disastrous</span><br> + <span class="c2">Results--A Kentucky Colonel Causes a Row--Pa +Tries to Roar</span><br> + <span class="c2">Like a Lion and the Rhinoceros Objects--Pa Plays +the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Slot-Machine and Gets the Worst of +It.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>This has been an eventful week with the show. We have had heat +prostrations in Kentucky, nearly the whole show got drunk on +16-year-old whisky, and if it hadn't been for the animals keeping +sober this show would have been pulled for disorderly +conduct.</p> +<p>Nobody knows how the row started, but pa says every man in +Kentucky carries a blue gun and a bottle of red licker, and they +wear white hats, so the red, white and blue business is all +right, only it is a combination that is death on a circus. I +think one of the ushers, at the afternoon performance, told an +old colonel that he must move along quicker, when the colonel +began to talk back, and say, "Who is you talkin' too, sah?" And +the usher stood it as long as he could, when he took the colonel +by the collar and sat him down so quick he didn't come to for a +couple of minutes, and when the colonel got his senses, and found +that the usher had ushered him into a seat between two gaily +decorated colored women the trouble began. The colonel never +forgot that he was a gentleman, for he rose up, took off his hat +to the colored women, and said: "You must excuse me, ladies, but +I shall have to go and kill the scoundrel who sat me down with +niggers," and he got down off the seats and struck the usher with +his cane, and the usher yelled: "Hey, Rube!" and all the circus +people made a rush for the colonel. The colonel said, "Men of +Kentucky, to the rescue," and before I could crawl under the +seats the air was full of baggage, seats, tent pins and white +hats, guns were fired, and blood flowed, and the police pulled +everybody, and the evening performance was given up.</p> +<p>One of the proprietors of the show got a wen on his head as +big as a football from being struck by a handle of a revolver, +and the colonel who started the row was knocked silly by a tray +of red lemonade which the butcher smashed him with, and the +colonel cried because the lemonade was all water, and he was +afraid it would soak into him and cause him to warp. When the +lemonade butcher apologized, and the usher told him it was all a +mistake his being seated with the niggers, the colonel wept on +their necks and invited the whole crowd to go to his distillery +and help themselves.</p> +<p>When we got to the next town every man in the show had a +grouch and a Katzenjammer, and their hair was so sore it was +murder and suicide combined to comb it.</p> +<p>The way pa escaped injury was 'cause he had to take the place +of the fat woman on the platform with the freaks, as the fat +woman was overcome with the heat and had to stay in the car.</p> +<p>The way they fixed pa up to resemble the fat woman was +scandalous. They have some rubber things in the wardrobe tent +that you can blow up and make a big arm, and a big leg, and a big +stummick, so anybody couldn't tell the difference, and they fixed +pa up with blowed up clothes of flesh colored rubber, and but for +his chin whiskers you couldn't tell him from the fat woman. He +said he wouldn't cut off his whiskers for anybody's circus, so +they fixed a veil to cover part of his face and put the fat +woman's dress on pa, and put him up beside the skeleton, the +midget and the giant.</p> +<p>Pa said he didn't want to do it, 'cause it seemed too much +like fraud, but they told him the fate of the show depended on +our all being willing to take any part assigned to us, and so pa +sat down and began to fan himself, and tried to look flirty like +a woman.</p> +<p>The other freaks never noticed but what it was the fat woman +until the show was half over. It was too much for me, and I just +laffed at pa. I got up behind him and told him in a whisper that +I wanted a dollar to play the slot machine, and he told me to go +to thunder, and get out of there. I couldn't stand it to be +insulted by my own father, so I took a hat pin out of the hat of +the bearded lady and punched it into pa's blowed up rubber shirt, +and pa began to sis, like a soda fountain, and the wind struck +the living skeleton and blew him over like a cyclone, and by that +time pa was blowing off wind in a dozen places that I had +punctured, and he was scared for fear there wouldn't be anything +left of him, and the giant saw the fat woman slowly fading away, +and the coward had heart failure and lay down on the platform. +Somebody shouted that the fat woman was all melting away, and a +fellow who was watering a camel out of a bucket came to the +rescue and threw the bucket of dirty water all over pa, and then +I thought I better go away into the tent and see the fight, but +pa was taken to the dressing room and rescued from the shrinking +rubber balloons that were busted, and he said he would hunt the +man that punctured his tire to his dying day, but he didn't know +it was me.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="471"><img alt="102.gif" src= +"Pictures/102.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#472">I Punctured Pa's +Tires.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Gee, it looks to me as though pa has been engaged to act as +the easy mark in this show. Say, they got pa to practice on +roaring like a lion, so he could stand behind the cage when the +lion has a sore throat and roar, and scare folks, and pa has been +going around behind the cages, every evening, when the menagerie +is closed, and the crowd in the main tent, making noises that +have made the animals look at each other as much as to say, +"Well, what do you think of that?" The rhinoceros was so +disgusted at Paducah that he reached out his nose and took pa on +his horn and held him up to the scorn of the other animals until +pa's pants gave way and he was a sight, and he was so scared that +he got out of the tent and made a run for our train, chased by +the police, who thought he was a burglar that had been eat by a +house dog.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="469"><img alt="104.gif" src= +"Pictures/104.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#470">Chased by +Police.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The worst thing we have had on pa was at Louisville, where we +stayed over Sunday. Another fellow and I got a system on slot +machines, and one day we beat the machines out of a shotbag full +of nickels, and when we showed up at the tent all the fellows +wanted to know how we did it, and pa said it was gambling, and we +ought not to do it, but he also wanted to know how we managed to +win, and when we told pa about it pa said it was no sin to beat a +slot machine, 'cause it was an inanimate thing, just a machine, +and anybody who could beat a nickel in the slot machine at his +own game was equal to a Rockefeller.</p> +<p>So after everybody had got excited about our nickels I told +them how to beat the machine. I told them I didn't get excited +and go rushing in where angels fear to tread, and feed the slot +machine on good hard earned nickels of my own, but waited until +the countrymen and tenderfeet had fed it on nickels until it was +too full for utterance. When the machine swelled out like it was +blowed up, and it kind of wheezed, like it was ready to cough up, +and was only waiting for an excuse, I put a cough lozenger about +the size of a nickel in the slot and turned the diaphram. The +machine shuddered a minute and then had a regular hemorrhage, and +coughed up a tin cupful of nickels into my hand, and the machine +seemed to rest easy, and take nourishment again from the silly +fellows, who thought they could beat it.</p> +<p>Well, sir, the whole crowd was so excited they could hardly +wait to find a slot machine, and finally they bought nearly all +my cough lozengers, and went out into the night, and pa and I +went along, 'cause pa said he understood all the slot machines +were owned by Rockefeller, and he made more money on them than he +did on Standard oil, and the money that he gave away to schools +and churches was from his rake-off on his slot machines. Pa said +it would be a good thing if someone could break up the +reprehensible practice by beating the blasted machines to a +finish.</p> +<p>So pa he got a bag to bring back the nickels in, and a bunch +of us went to a store where one whole side of the place was +filled with slot machines, and the way the people were playing +the game was scandalous. Pa watched a machine until the players +had fed it so it seemed as though it would die unless it got air, +and he stepped up and put in a lozenger and turned the wheel, and +held the bag under the spout for the coin, but it didn't come. +Some more fellows put in nickels, and the machine gave little +hacking coughs and coughed up three or four nickels, but nothing +that seemed at all in the nature of a financial hemorrhage, when +pa took another lozenger and put it in, and by ginger the machine +began to heave up nickels like it was in the trough of the +sea.</p> +<p>Pa was so excited he forgot to hold the bag, and nickels went +all over the floor, and everybody made a grab for them, and pa +was shoved aside, and he swore he would have the place pulled, +and just then a law officer took pa in charge because he had put +a cough lozenger in the slot machine, and he searched pa and +found a lot more bronchial trochees, and pa was in for it on a +charge of malpractice, for giving cough medicine for the stomach +trouble of the slot machine, instead of pepsin tablets.</p> +<p>They took pa in a back room and searched him some more, and +found his roll, and then a man who said he was a lawyer offered +to help pa, and keep him out of the penitentiary. He told pa the +law of Kentucky made the crime of trifling with a slot machine +the same as breach of promise, or arson, and that he would be +lucky if he got off with ten years in the pen, with 30 days' +solitary confinement in a Turkish bath cell, with niggers for +companions.</p> +<p>Pa turned blue and asked the lawyer if there was no way out of +it, and the lawyer told him that for $120 in spot cash he would +let him go, and fight the case after the show had got out of the +state. A hundred and twenty-five dollars was the amount they +found on pa, and he told them that inasmuch as they already had +it, they better keep the money and let him go, and he would be +always a living example of the terrors of gambling.</p> +<p>So they let pa go, and all the way to the train he told us he +hoped this experience would be a lesson to us not to covet the +money of the rich, and as far as he was concerned, John D. +Rockefeller could go plum to thunder with his money after +this.</p> +<p>Then we got to the car, and found about a dozens of the circus +men who had been out to beat the slot machines, broke flat, and I +had to divide my shot bag of nickels with them, that I had won +before I let them into the game, before they would let me go to +bed.</p> +<p>Dad says this circus life is making me pretty tough.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_IX."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER IX.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Feeds Cayenne Pepper to the Sacred +Cow--He and</span><br> + <span class="c2">His Pa Ride in a Circus Parade With the +Circassian</span><br> + <span class="c2">Beauties--A Tipsy Elephant Lands Them in a +Public</span><br> + <span class="c2">Fountain--Pa Makes the Acquaintance of John L. +Sullivan.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>I am learning more about animals every day, and when the +season is over I will be an expert animal man. Animals naturally +have a language of their own, and lions understand each other, +and bears can converse with bears, but in a show, all animals +seem to have a common language, so they understand each other a +little.</p> +<p>I found that out when I put a paper of cayenne pepper into a +head of lettuce and gave it to the sacred cow. She chewed the +lettuce as peacefully as could be, and swallowed the cayenne +pepper, and then stopped to think. You could tell by the +expression on her face that when the pepper began to heat her up +inside she wanted to swear, although she was a sacred cow. She +humped herself, and shivered, and then bellowed like a calf who +has been left in the barn to be weaned, while its mother goes out +to pasture, and the sacred bull, her husband, he came and put his +nose up to her nose, as much as to say: "What is the matter, +dearie?" and she talked sacred cattle talk to him for a minute, +and then the bull turned to me and chased me out of the tent. +Now, as sure as you live that cow told the bull that I had given +her something hot. All the animals within hearing were onto me, +and they would snarl, and make noises when I came along, and act +as though they wanted to make me understand that they knew I gave +that cow a hot box, and they all wanted to get a chance at +me.</p> +<p>They don't like pa any better than they do me, and the big +elephant seems to have been laying for pa ever since he run the +sharp iron into him, the time he got on a tear and tried to run a +town. When the elephants are performing in the ring, they all +have an eye on pa, so everybody notices it. I knew something +would happen to pa, so when the man who plays the sheik, and +rides the elephant in the street parade, in a howdah, with a +canopy over it, with some female houris in it, and they called +for a volunteer to do the sheik act, at Steubenville, and pa +offered to do the stunt, I went along as an Egyptian girl, 'cause +I knew there would be something doing.</p> +<p>The elephant eyed pa when he got up into the bungalow on top +of him with the Circassian woman and me, and winked at the other +elephants, as much as to say: "Watch my smoke." As he went out +from the lot, on the way downtown, ahead of the bunch, all the +other animals acted peculiar, and seemed to say: "He will get his +before we get through this parade."</p> +<p>The big elephant is one of the best ring performers, but he +has always been steady in the street parade, with the light of +Asia on his back. We got to the edge of town and stopped to let +the rear wagons close up, and were in front of a saloon, where +the bartender had been emptying stale beer out of the bottoms of +kegs into a washtub, which was standing on the sidewalk, ready to +be sold to people who buy it in pails.</p> +<p>Well, sir, that confounded elephant got his trunk in that tub +of stale beer, and he never took it out till the beer was all +gone. I looked down from the pagoda and told pa the elephant was +drinking again, and had drank a washtub of beer, but pa couldn't +say anything, 'cause he was doing the Arab sheik act, and had to +look dignified, as though he was praying to Allah.</p> +<p>But just then the band struck up, and we started down the main +street of Steubenville. The people began to cheer, 'cause our +elephant began to hippity-hop, and waltz sideways across the +street and back again, and I thought pa would die. In the parade +one man on a horse attends to the elephants, so the sheiks don't +have anything to say, and pa remained like a statue, and told me +and the Circassian beauties to be calm, and trust in him and +Allah. This Allah business was all right when the elephant +waltzed, but when we got to the next block the beast began to +stand on his hind feet, and pa and the houris rolled to the back +end of the howdah, and were all piled in a heap, while I held on +to the cloth of gold over the elephant's head.</p> +<p>Pa yelled to the people on horseback to kill the elephant, and +the crowd cheered, thinking it was the best performance they ever +saw in a free street parade, and the animals in the cages behind +were yapping as though they knew what was going on. The elephant +got down on all fours, and we straightened up in the pagoda, and +for a block or so the beast only waltzed around. As we got to +some sort of a public square, where there were thousands of +people, the stale beer seemed to be getting in its work, for the +elephant looked at the people, as much as to say: "Now I will +show you something not down on the bills," and, by ginger, if he +didn't raise up his hind quarters and stand on his front feet, +right by the side of a big fountain, and he reached in his trunk +for a drink, when all of us on the pagoda clung to pa, and we all +slid right off into the big basin of water. The fountain played +on us, and pa was under water, with the four Circassian beauties, +and when we rolled or slid down over the elephant's head, he +looked at us and seemed to chuckle: "What you getting off here +for, the show ain't half out."</p> +<p>Well, the parade went on and left the elephant and the rest of +us at the fountain, and to show that animals understand each +other, and can appreciate a joke, every animal that passed us +gave us the laugh, even the hippopotamus, which opened his mouth +as big as a tunnel, and showed his teeth and acted as though he +would like to exchange tanks with us.</p> +<p>The circus people that could be spared from the wagons came to +help us, and the citizens helped out the Circassian beauties who +were praying to Allah, and wringing out their clothes, and I +crawled up on the neck of a cast-iron swan in the fountain. Pa +yelled and talked profane, and told 'em to bring a cannon and +kill the elephant, which kept ducking him with his trunk, and +swabbing out the bottom of the fountain basin with pa. It seemed +as though he never would get through using pa for a mop, but +finally the people got a rope around pa, and a keeper got an iron +hook in the elephant's ear, and they pulled pa out on one side, +and got the elephant away on the other side, and just then the +callipoe, that ends the parade, came by us and played the "Blue +Danube," and the elephant got on his hind feet and waltzed on the +pavement. They put pa and the Circassian beauties in a patrol +wagon and took them to the show lot, and I sat by the driver, and +he let me drive the team.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="467"><img alt="114.gif" src= +"Pictures/114.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#468">The Elephant Kept Ducking +Pa<br> + and Swabbing Out the Bottom of the Fountain.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa had his sheik clothes rolled up around his waist, and was +wringing them out, and talking awful sassy, and when we got to +the lot it took a long time to convince the policemen that we +were not guilty of disorderly conduct, and just then the elephant +came tearing by us, with the keeper on horseback behind him, +prodding him in the ham every jump with a sharp iron, and he went +through the side of the tent as though he was mighty sorry he +didn't kill us all.</p> +<p>They made him get down on his knees and bellow in token of +surrender, and then we all went and changed our clothes for the +afternoon performance. As we passed through the menagerie tent, +dripping, every animal set up a yell, as much as to say: "There, +maybe you will give cayenne pepper to a pious sacred cow again, +confound you," and that convinces me that animals are human.</p> +<p>The last week has been the hardest on pa of any week since we +have been out with the circus. The trouble with pa is that he +wants to be "Johnny on the spot," as the boys say, and if +anything breaks he volunteers to go to work and fix it, and if +anybody is sick or disabled, he wants to take their place, as he +says so he will learn everything about the circus, and be +competent to run a show alone next year.</p> +<p>But it was a mean trick the principal owner of the show played +on pa at Canton, O. You see John L. Sullivan used to do a boxing +act with this show, years ago, and everybody likes John, and when +he shows up where the show gives a performance he has the freedom +of the whole place, and everybody about the show is ready to fall +over themselves to do John L. a service.</p> +<p>Well, Sullivan showed up at Canton, and he went everywhere, +all the forenoon, and met all the old timers, and at the +afternoon performance he was awfully jolly.</p> +<p>John was standing beside the ring when the Japanese jugglers +were juggling, and he leaned against a pole. Pa came in from the +menagerie tent, and he didn't know Sullivan, and when he saw +Sullivan holding the pole up, pa said to the boss proprietor that +the fat man who was interfering with the show ought to be called +down or put out.</p> +<p>The boss said to pa: "You go take him by the ear and put him +out," and pa, who is as brave as lion, started for Sullivan, and +the boss winked at the other circus men, and pa went up to +Sullivan and took hold of John's neck with both hands, and said: +"Come on out of here."</p> +<p>Well, sir, we ought to have moving pictures of what followed. +Sullivan turned on pa, and growled just like a lion. Then he took +pa around the waist and held him up under his arm, and picked up +a piece of board and slatted pa just as though pa was a child, +and the audience just yelled, and pa called to the circus men for +help, but they just laughed.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="465"><img alt="118.gif" src= +"Pictures/118.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#466">John L. Slatted Pa<br> + Just as Though He Was a Child.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa got a chance at the fat man and he hit him in the jaw, but +it did not hurt Sullivan, only made him mad. He took pa up by the +collar and whirled him around until pa was dizzy, and then he +started with him for the menagerie tent, and called to the boss +canvasman: "Bill, come on and tell me which is the hungriest +lion, and I will feed him with this cold meat."</p> +<p>Pa yelled, 'cause he thought he was in the hands of an escaped +lunatic, and the circus hands came and took him away. Then the +owner told pa who Sullivan was, and pa almost fainted. But +finally, after breathing hard for awhile, pa went up to Sullivan +and shook his hand, and said: "Mr. Sullivan, you must excuse me. +If I had known you were the great John L., I would not have +licked you." Sullivan looked at pa and said: "Well, you are a +wonder, old man, and you did do me up," and pa and Sullivan +became great friends. Since then pa is pretty chesty, 'cause the +circus men point him out to the jays as the man who whipped John +L. Sullivan.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_X."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER X.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy and His Pa Drive a Roman +Chariot--They Win the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Race, but Meet With Difficulties--The Bearded +Lady to the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Rescue--A Farmer's Cart Breaks Up the Circus +Procession.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Ohio was a hoodoo for the circus business, and Kentucky got the +whole bunch ready for a long stay at Dwight, Ill., but the agent +routed us into Pennsylvania, and pa has had nothing but a series +of disasters since striking the state.</p> +<p>Pa gave notice that when we got to his old home, at Scranton, +where he lived when he was a boy, he wanted to sort of run +things, so his old neighbors would see that he had got up in the +world since he left the old town. So the manager gave pa about +400 free tickets to distribute among his friends, and arranged +for pa to show off as the leading citizen in the show. He was +offered a chance to take the place of the clown, the ring master +or anybody whose duty he thought he could perform. Pa selected +the place of driver of the Roman chariot with four horses +abreast, in place of the Irish Roman who was accustomed to drive +the chariot in the race with the female charioteer, a muscular +girl who used to clerk in a livery stable at Chicago.</p> +<p>The chariot race is a fake, because it is arranged for the +girl to win, so the audience will go wild and cheer her, so she +has to come bowing all around the ring. The way the job is put up +is for the two chariots to start, and go around twice. On the +first turn the man driver is ahead, and takes the pole, and on +the second turn the girl's ahead, and she takes the pole, and on +the third turn the man is ahead, and they begin to whip the +horses, who seem crazy, and on the last stretch the man holds his +team back a little, and the girl passes him and comes out a +trifle ahead, and the crowd goes wild.</p> +<p>Well, the master of ceremonies coached pa about the business, +and told him what to do. They knew he could drive four horses, +because he said he was an old stage driver, and when he got in +the chariot with the Roman suit on gleaming with gold, and the +brass helmet, and the cloth of gold gauntlets, and stood up like +a senator, gee, I was proud of him, and when he and the female +drove out of the dressing-room and halted by the door for the +announcer to announce the great Ben Hur chariot race, I got into +the chariot behind pa, and told him he must win the race, or the +people of Scranton would mob him. For they knew these races were +usually fixed beforehand, but since he was to drive one of the +teams, all his friends were betting on him, and if he pulled the +team and let that livery stable lady win the race, they would +accuse him of giving free tickets to get them in the show and +skin them out of their money.</p> +<p>Pa said to me: "This race is going to be on the square, and +you watch my smoke. Do you think I would let that red-headed dish +washer beat me? Not on your life."</p> +<p>The play is to have a little boy kiss the male driver good-by, +and a little girl kiss the female driver good-by, as though they +were taking their lives in their hands. I had climbed up to pa +and put my arms around his neck, and kissed him, and a girl +kissed the female, when the gong sounded, and both four-horse +teams made a jump, before I could get out of the chariot, so I +got right in front of pa and peeked over the dashboard of the +chariot, and, gee, but didn't we fairly whizz by the poles, and +the audience looked like a panorama.</p> +<p>Pa got the pole and kept it, and we went around three times, +and found the female chariot ahead of us, cause pa had gone +around twice to her once. She turned out a little right by the +band-stand, and pa run his team right inside her chariot and +caught her wheel, and when he yelled to his team, her cart, team, +and all were thrown right into the band, which scattered over the +backs of the seats. The horses were all mixed up with the +instruments, and the female driver was thrown into the air and +came down in a sitting position right into the bass drum. She +went right through the sheepskin, so her head and hands and feet +were all of her that remained outside the drum.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="463"><img alt="124.gif" src= +"Pictures/124.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#464">Her Cart, Team and All<br> + Were Thrown Right Against the Band.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>She yelled for help and the circus hands rolled the drum, with +her in it, into the dressing-room, where they had to cut the +sides of the drum with an ax, to get her out, while others caught +her horses and pulled the chariot out of the band, and the music +stopped; but pa went on forever.</p> +<p>He went around six times yelling like an Indian at a green +corn dance, and when he thought it was time to let up, because he +had missed the other chariot, he pulled so hard he broke the +lines on the two inside horses and then it was a runaway for +sure, and the audience stood up on the seats and yelled, and +women fainted.</p> +<p>Finally the circus hands grabbed some hurdles, and threw them +across the track, near the main entrance, and when we came around +the last time, two of the horses jumped the hurdles all right, +but two fumbled and fell down, and there was a crash, and I +didn't know anything until I felt cold water on my face that +tasted sour, and colored my shirt red, and I found the lemonade +butcher was bringing me to by pouring a tray of lemonade over +me.</p> +<p>When my eyes opened, I saw a sight that I shall never forget. +It seems that when the horses fell down, the chariot and the +other two horses and pa and I had landed all in a heap right on +top of the lemonade and peanut concession, and carried it up onto +a row of seats near the main entrance from the menagerie. The +elephants that were to come on next were in the door waiting for +their signal, and they were scared at the crash, and they came in +bellowing, the keepers having lost all control of them. The +audience was stampeding, and the circus men were trying to +straighten things out.</p> +<p>Pa struck on his head against a wagon wheel and his brass +helmet was driven down over his face, so when he yelled to be +pulled out of the helmet his voice sounded like a coon song, +coming from a phonograph. It was the closest call from death pa +ever had, 'cause they had to cut the helmet with a can opener to +let pa out, like you open a can of lobsters. When they got the +helmet opened so pa could come out, he looked just like a boiled +lobster, and when the chief owner of the circus came up on a run, +and asked if pa was dead, pa said: "Not much, Mary Ann; did I +win?" and the manager said it was a pity they ever opened that +helmet and let pa out. The man told pa he won in a walk, but the +chief of police of Scranton was going to arrest pa for exceeding +the speed limit.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="461"><img alt="128.gif" src= +"Pictures/128.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#462">Pa Struck on His Head<br> + Against a Wagon Wheel.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>They took pa to the dressing-room on a piece of board, and +when the woman driver saw him, she got an ax, and wanted to +cleave him from head to foot, but the bearded woman stepped in +front of her and said: "Not on your life," and she shielded pa +from death with her manly form, which pa says he shall never +forget. Pa's old friends in Scranton gave him a banquet that +night, but pa couldn't eat anything, cause the rim of the brass +helmet cut a gash in his Adam's apple.</p> +<p>After the chariot race the managers concluded they wouldn't +let pa have any position of importance again very soon, and I +made up my mind you wouldn't ever catch me in any game that pa +was in; but in the circus business you can never tell what is +going to happen from one day to another.</p> +<p>On the train on the way to Wilkes Barre there was a hot box on +one of the sleepers, and the car was side-tracked all night.</p> +<p>When we arrived at the town about 40 wagon drivers that were +in the car did not show up, and they had to press everybody that +could drive a team into the service to haul the stuff to the lot, +and pa drove four horses so well with a load of tent poles that +the manager complimented pa, and that gave pa the big head. When +the parade was all ready to start through town, and the drivers +had not arrived, the manager asked pa if he thought he could +drive the ten gray horses on the band wagon, to lead the +procession, and pa said driving ten horses was his best hold, and +he got up on the driver's seat, and called me to get up with him, +and I hate a boy that will disobey a parent, so I climbed up and +began to jolly the band about the chariot race, and I told them +pa wouldn't do a thing to them this time.</p> +<p>The manager of the show always rides ahead of the parade, with +the chief of police of the town, and the band horses follow him, +so it is easy enough to drive ten horses, cause all you have to +do it to hold on to the 20 lines, and look savage at the crowd on +the sidewalks, and the horses go right along, and the people +think the driver is a wonder. So when the manager started in his +buggy pa pulled up on all the lines he could hold on to, which +filled his lap, and made him look like a harness maker, and he +yelled: "Ye-up," and the procession moved, and the ten teams pa +was driving went along all right, and pa looked as though he +owned the show and the town.</p> +<p>We got downtown, to a wide street, and there was a fire alarm +ahead, or something, and the procession stopped, and the manager +and chief of police disappeared, and there was a wagon load of +green corn stalks right beside the lead team, which a farmer was +taking to a silo, but he had stopped his team to see the parade. +The three teams of pa's leaders, six horses, began to eat the +corn stalks, and the camels, that were behind us, worked along up +by the band wagon and began to eat, and the farmer got scared to +see his corn stalks disappearing, so he drove off on a side +street, and started for the silo, and by ginger, pa's team turned +onto the side street and followed the wagon of corn stalks, and +pa couldn't hold them, and the band played, "In the Good Old +Summer Time, There Will Be a Hot Time in the Old Town."</p> +<p>The camels kept up with the farmer's wagon, too, and the whole +parade followed the band. The farmer started his horses into a +run, and the team of ten horses that was driving pa started to +galloping, and I looked back, and the elephants were beginning to +gallop, and all the cages were coming whooping, and it was a +picnic. The band stopped playing, and the players were scared, +and as we were crossing a little bridge over a small stream, on +the edge of town, I turned around to the band and told them to +jump for their lives, and they all made a jump for the stream, +and the air was full of uniforms and instruments, and they landed +in the stream all right.</p> +<p>We went on up a hill, and were in the country, and the farmer +turned into a farmyard, and the band wagon followed, and the +farmer jumped off the corn stalk wagon and rushed for the house, +and pa's ten-horse team surrounded the wagon, and every horse was +eating corn stalks, and the team was all mixed up. The camels and +the elephants crowded in for the nice green lunch, and the +farmer's wife came out with her apron waving, and said "Shoo," +but none of the animals shooed worth a cent, and pa pulled on the +lines, and yelled, while the rest of the parade came into the +farm and lined up. The drivers yelled at pa to know where in +thunder he was going, and pa said: "Damfino."</p> +<p>Just then the manager and chief of police came up, and the way +they talked to pa was awful. Pa couldn't explain how it was that +he took the parade out in the country, and you never saw such a +time.</p> +<p>By this time the regular drivers had arrived on a special, +from where we left them with a hot box, and they took possession +of the teams, and we got back to the circus lot in time for the +afternoon performance. I don't know what they are doing to pa, +but they had him in the manager's tent all the afternoon with +some doctors, who seem to be examining him for insanity.</p> +<p>Everybody about the show thinks pa has hoodooed the +aggregation, but pa says such things are always happening, and it +is wrong to blame him.</p> +<p>The farmer got paid for his corn stalks, and it is to be +charged up to pa.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XI."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XI.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy and His Pa in a Railroad Wreck--Pa +Rescues the</span><br> + <span class="c2">"Other Freaks"--They Spend the Night on a +Meadow--A</span><br> + <span class="c2">Near-Sighted Claim Agent Settles for Damages--Pa +Plays Deaf</span><br> + <span class="c2">and Dumb and Gets Ten Thousand.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>It has come at last.</p> +<p>Everybody about the show expects that the show has got to have +a railroad wreck every season, and all hands lay awake nights on +the cars to brace themselves for the shock. Sometimes it comes +early in the season, and again a show goes along until almost the +end of the season without a shake-up, and fellows think maybe +there is not going to be any wreck, but the engineers are only +waiting till everybody has forgotten about it, and then, biff, +bang, and they have run into another train, or been run into, and +you have to be pulled out of a window by the heels, and laid out +in a marsh until the claim agents can settle with you.</p> +<p>I always thought in reading of railroad accidents, that the +railroad sent out a special trainload of doctors and nurses, to +care for the injured, but the special train never has a doctor +until the lawyers give first aid to the wounded in the way of +financial poultices for the cripples. People in our business are +on the railroads, and we work them for all there is in it; and +the man that is hurt the least makes the biggest howl, and gets +the biggest slice of indemnity. Some circus people spend all +their salary as they go along, and live all winter on the damages +they get from the railroads when the wreck comes.</p> +<p>The night of the wreck our train was whooping along at about +90 miles an hour, on a hippity-hop railroad in Pennsylvania, and +the night was hot, and the mosquitoes from across the line in New +Jersey were singing their solemn tunes, and pa, who attended a +lodge meeting that night at the town we showed in, was asleep and +talking in his sleep about passwords and grips, and the freaks +and trapeze performers in our car had got through kicking about +how the show was running into the ground, when suddenly there was +a terrific smash-up ahead, an engine boiler exploded, a freight +car of dynamite on a side track exploded and there was a grinding +and bumping of cars. Then they rolled down a bank, over and over, +so the upper berth was the lower berth half the time, and finally +the whole business stopped in a hay marsh, and the bilge water in +the marsh leaked into the hold of our car; people screamed, and +some one yelled "fire!" and I pulled on pa till he woke up.</p> +<p>I thought pa's head was all caved in, because he talked nutty. +The first thing he said was: "Say I, pronounce your name, and +repeat after me," and then he said: "I promise and swear that I +will never reveal the secrets of this degree," and then the +conductor pulled pa's leg and said: "Crawl out of the window, old +man, 'cause the train is in the ditch, the car is afire, and if +you don't get out in about a minute with the other freaks, you +will be a burnt offering."</p> +<p>Pa said you couldn't fool him, 'cause he knew he was being +initiated into the 20-steenth degree of the Masons, and he +guessed he could tell a degree from a train wreck, 'cause the +degree was a darn sight worse than a wreck, but the conductor +took one of those long glass fire extinguishers and sprinkled the +medicated water on the freaks in the next berth, and then turned +it on pa, and pa tasted it, and thought he was at a banquet, and +he said "that sauterne is not fit to drink."</p> +<p>Then when the bearded woman yelled that the fire had almost +reached her whiskers, and would nobody save her, pa began to get +ready to move on, 'cause he concluded he hadn't been riding a +goat after all, and he told me to hand him his pants. Pa is a man +that will never go out among people, no matter how dark the night +is, without his pants, and I admire him for it. Some of the +circus men didn't care for dress that night, but got out just as +they were, and the result was that when daylight came they had to +tie hay around their legs.</p> +<p>Our car was bottom-side up, but I found pa's pants and he got +his legs in, and I buttoned him in, but I felt all the time as +though I had buttoned them in the back, so the seat was in front, +but the fire was crackling and pa pushed me out of a transom, and +then he crawled out, and we sat down in the mud.</p> +<p>The bearded woman came next, with her whiskers done up in curl +papers, and then the fat woman got one foot through the transom, +and she couldn't get it back in, and the train hands got an ax +and were going to cut her leg off, and save one foot, at least, +when pa got a move on him, and took the ax and broke out the side +of the car, and got her out. Eight or nine men lifted her +tenderly onto a stack of hay, and she wrapped it around her, +'cause she left her clothes in her berth.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="459"><img alt="138.gif" src= +"Pictures/138.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#460">Pa Got an Ax and Cut the Fat +Woman Out.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Well, it was a sight when the people were got out of our car, +and they let it burn, to light up the scene, and pa and I and the +boss canvasman went along the ditched train, and helped people +out. The giant was in two upper berths, and he got one leg out of +the transom over one berth, and one leg out of the transom over +the other berth, and we pulled his legs, but he couldn't make it, +so pa took an ax and made both berths into one, and got him +out.</p> +<p>The giant shook himself and started on a run across the marsh, +but he mired up to his neck, and a farmer who heard the noise +came to order us off his hay field for trespass, and yelled: +"Here's a head of some of your performers cut off away over +here," and he was going to bring it in, when the farmer found the +head was alive, and he ran away from it.</p> +<p>In an hour we had everybody out, and made beds for them by +spreading out hay cocks, and nobody seemed to be hurt so very +much. We heard a locomotive whistle up the road, and some one +said the relief train was coming with doctors and nurses, but the +show owner who was with us said: "Relief doctors, nothing. That +is a train-load of lawyers and claim agents to settle with us. +The doctors will not come till to-morrow. Now, everybody pretend +to be hurt awful bad, and strike the sharks for $10,000 apiece, +and come down to $100, if you can't do any better."</p> +<p>It was getting daylight, and the relief train stopped, and the +good Samaritans came wading into the hay marsh, bent on settling +with us cheap. The first lawyer asked the principal owner how +many were killed, 'cause they could figure exactly how much they +have to pay for a dead one, but the live ones are the ones that +make trouble for a railroad, 'cause they can kick and argue. The +boss said nobody was dead, but the giant, who was mired in out of +sight. The giant heard what was said, and he yelled that he was +alive, and wouldn't settle for less than $20,000, but the claim +agent said the giant would be dead in 15 minutes in that +quicksand, so he would let him sink, and pay for him as a dead +one.</p> +<p>The giant said if they would pull him out of the mud he would +settle for $100, and they pulled him out, and the rest of the +injured were going to mob him for settling so cheap.</p> +<p>One of the claim agents found the bearded woman sitting on a +hay cock, combing out her whiskers, and asked what it would take +to settle, and she said $10,000, and she got up and walked over +to another hay cock where the Circassian beauty was drying her +hair, and the claim agent looked at how spry the bearded woman +walked, and he said to the boss: "I won't give that fellow with +the curly whiskers a single kopeck," and the bearded woman came +back and swatted the claim agent for calling her a fellow. So +they compromised on $200, and she went behind the haystack and +put it in her stocking, which convinced the claim agent that she +wasn't a man.</p> +<p>A near-sighted claim agent came to the haystack where the fat +woman was, and the boss told her now was her time to have a mess +of hysterics, so she set up a cry that scared the agent, who +thought there were at least six women on the haystack, and he +said: "What will all of you people up there on the haystack +settle for in a lump, for I am in a hurry?"</p> +<p>The fat woman caught on at once, and said: "We will all settle +for $10,000." Then she yelled, and the agent thought her back was +broke, and he offered $7,500, and she cried and said: "Make it +$10,000," and the agent said: "I will go you," and he made out a +check, and the fat woman had some more hysterics.</p> +<p>I had watched the settling all around, and I told pa to be +deaf and dumb when they came to him, and just point to the seat +of his pants in front and buttoned up behind, and look as though +he was suffering the tortures of the inquisition, and let me do +the talking, and I would make the old railroad go into a +receiver's hands.</p> +<p>So pa said: "You are the boss," and he looked so pitiful that +I almost cried.</p> +<p>When the near-sighted claim agent came to pa, I told him that +pa's last words were to beg to be shot, and the man looked at +pa's pants, and then at his face, and said: "What hit him? That's +the worst case I ever saw in a railroad wreck."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="457"><img alt="142.gif" src= +"Pictures/142.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#458">"What Hit Him? That's the +Worst Case I Ever Saw!"</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I put my handkerchief to my eyes and said: "Well, when the +shock came, pa was all right, as handsome a man as you would +often see. I think there must have been a pile driver on the +train that struck him, and changed sides with him, knocking his +stomach around on the back side of him, and placing his spinal +column around in front of him, where his stomach was, and causing +him to lose the sense of speech. Think of a middle-aged man going +through life mixed up in that manner, having to sit down on his +stomach, and having his backbone staring him in the face. How +does he know when he takes food in his mouth that it can +corkscrew around under his arm and eventually find his stomach? +How a man can be ground and twisted, and mauled, and stamped on +by a reckless locomotive with a crazy engineer and a drunken +fireman, rolled over by box cars, and walked on by elephants, and +still live, is beyond me. As he told me before he lost the power +of speech, not to be too hard on the railroad company, though +some railroads would be glad to pay him $20,000, and no questions +asked, he begged me, as heir to his estate, to let you off for a +paltry $10,000."</p> +<p>Pa made up the darndest face, and groaned. The agent called +another agent, and they whispered together, and finally the first +one came to me and asked pa's full name, and then the two of them +got out a fountain pen, and they made out a check, and he said: +"This is the first case in the history of railroad wrecking that +the agent has not had the heart to try to beat the injured party +down. This is certainly the most pitiful case that has ever been +known, and if your father ever comes to his senses you can tell +him he is welcome to the money."</p> +<p>The agents shook hands with pa and I, and went away to their +train, and pa winked at me, and a wrecking train came and we got +on a special, and got to Pittsburg before breakfast, and pa is +going to buy me a dog out of the money.</p> +<p>Gee, but there is all kinds of money in the circus business. +Pa is going to wear his pants hind side before until we get out +of Pittsburg.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Causes Trouble Between the Russian +Cossacks and</span><br> + <span class="c2">the Jap Jugglers--A Jap Tight-Rope Walker +Jiu-Jitsu's Pa--The</span><br> + <span class="c2">Animals Go on a Strike--Pa Runs the Menagerie +for a Day and</span><br> + <span class="c2">Wins Their Gratitude.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>I did not mean any harm when I told the Japanese jugglers that +they ought to kick against having those Russian cavalrymen in the +show, the fellows who ride horses standing up, in the wild-west +department, 'cause I had listened to their Russian talk, and it +seemed to me they were spies who were looking for a chance to do +injury to the "poor little Japs." I could see that I made the +Japs mad the first thing, and then I told them that pa and all +the managers of the show felt sorry for the little Japs, 'cause +some day the big Russians would ride right over them, and kill +them right in the ring. I said that everybody thought the Japs +ought to resign from the show, for fear of a clash with the +Russians, or else they ought to have some grown persons to act as +chaperones.</p> +<p>You ought to have seen the look of scorn on the faces of the +Jap jugglers when the interpreter told them that the circus +people were afraid the Russians would hurt them. They jabbered +awhile, and then the interpreter told me that the ten little Japs +could whip the 20 Russians in four minutes. Probably it was none +of my business, and I never ought to have repeated it, but in a +circus everybody wants to know everything that is going on, so +when the big leader of the Russians asked me what those brown +monkeys were talking about, I told him: "Nothing particular, only +they say the ten of them could lick you 20 Russians in four +minutes."</p> +<p>Gee, didn't that Russian talk kopec and damski, and froth at +the mouth. Then he called his Russians together, and the talk +sounded as though a soda fountain had burst. Then they all +yelled: "Killovitch the monkey-ouskis."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="456"><img alt="148.gif" src= +"Pictures/148.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#455">"Gee, But Didn't That +Russian Talk Kopec and Damski."</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I went and told pa there was going to be a riot between the +Jap jugglers and the Russian horsemen, and probably the fight +would take place when the Japs came out of the ring at the +afternoon performance, and the Russians went in, right near the +dressing-room. I asked pa not to mix in it, but keep away in the +animal tent. Pa said, not much, he wouldn't be away, and he told +all the managers, and they all got around the dressing-room to +stop the muss, if one started.</p> +<p>Well, to show how the Japs were organized, as soon as they +felt there was going to be a row, they kept their eyes on the +Russians all the time they were in the ring doing their pole +balancing, and the little Jap up on the bamboo pole, with a fan, +kept jabbering to the fellows down on the ground, and I could see +that trouble was coming. When their act was over the Japs bowed +to the audience, and started out where the Russians were lined up +to come riding in. The big Russian said: "Look at the little +monkeys," but he hadn't got the words out of his mouth before the +Japs turned, and every man grabbed the tail of every other horse, +and jumped up behind the Russians, and each of the ten Japs took +a Russian by the neck with a jiu jitsu strangle hold, and reached +out his leg and wound it around the Russian on the next horse, +and in ten seconds they had unhorsed the 20 Russians. The whole +30 men were on the ground rolling in the sawdust, the Japs +rolling over and under the Russians, twisting their legs and arms +in an unknown manner, and making them yell for help like a +mastiff that has trifled in an overbearing manner with a little +bulldog, until the bulldog got mad and began the chewing act on +the mastiff's fore leg.</p> +<p>It was the worst mix-up ever was and the managers told pa to +put a stop to it, and pa pulled off his coat and grabbed the +first Jap he could dig out, and began to pull him, like you would +take hold of the leg of a dog in a fight.</p> +<p>Pa said: "Here, quit this foolishness, 'cause there is an +armistice, and the war is over, anyway."</p> +<p>O! O! but the Jap didn't do a thing to pa. He grabbed pa by +the wrist, and he seemed to be having an epileptic fit, and pa's +leg shot out so his feet hit a guy pole, and then the Jap pulled +him back like he was a rubber ball on a string, and then he took +pa by the elbow and held him out at arm's length, and then swung +him around a few times and let go of him, and he fell down among +the reserved seats which representatives of the press occupy. Pa +stood on one ear on a crushed chair, with his legs over the +railing, and when he came to, the newspaper men wanted to +interview pa. Pa said all he remembered was that the air ship was +sailing over the town, and they threw him out for ballast, and he +struck a church spire and bounded onto a warehouse filled with +dynamite, which exploded when he struck it, and the neighbors +picked his remains up on a dustpan and emptied them in here, Then +he asked if his head was on straight, and the circusmen took him +away to the hospital tent.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="453"><img alt="152.gif" src= +"Pictures/152.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#454">"O, But the Jap Didn't Do a +Thing to Pa!"</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The circus hands separated the Russians and Japs, or at least +pulled off the Japs, and the Russians limped to the +dressing-room, and their act was cut out. Unless the terms of +peace between Japan and Russia include the belligerents in our +show, there will be rows every day.</p> +<p>Pa came to the car on crutches that night just before the +train pulled out for Philadelphia, and wanted to know where I was +during the fight. He said he rushed right in and grabbed a Jap in +one hand and a Russian in the other, and bumped their heads +together, and threw one of them towards the ring, and the other +up among the seats, and he wanted to know if I thought he killed +either or both of them.</p> +<p>I hate a boy that will deceive his father, but I told him +there was talk about two performers, one a Russian and the other +a Jap, that were left at the morgue, but I didn't know anything +sure about it, and pa said: "I was afraid I should hurt them, but +they brought it on themselves by breaking the rules of the show +against fighting during a performance," and pa rolled over and +groaned in his berth, and went to sleep and snored so the freaks +wanted to have a nose bag, such as horses eat out of, pulled over +pa's face.</p> +<p>The queerest thing that ever happened in the circus business +in this country took place at Germantown, Pa. The teamsters went +on a strike at Pittsburg, for increase in wages and shorter +hours, and for two days the management had a great time.</p> +<p>We had to get drays to haul the stuff from the train to the +lot, and then our teamsters got the local draymen to join them, +and when we got ready to haul the stuff back to the train nobody +would do any work, and the walking delegates from the Teamsters' +union just took possession of the show, and we were stuck, like +an automobile when the gasoline gives out.</p> +<p>We had got to looking at the teamsters as of no particular +account when they walked out, but when they wouldn't work, they +became the most important part of the show, and after the show +was over the managers who had told the striking teamsters to go +plumb, found that they had gone plumb, and they had to rush all +over Pittsburg and find them, and grant their demands, and get +them to go to work.</p> +<p>Pa was sent out to find a bunch of them, and it cost pa over +$30 to get them out of a beer garden, and back to the lot, and it +was almost daylight before we got our train started for the next +town.</p> +<p>Well, at the next town we could see there was something the +matter with the animals. They acted as though they had lost all +interest in the success of the show, and wouldn't do any of their +stunts worth a cent. The elephants went through their act +carelessly, and when they were scolded or prodded with the iron +hook, they got mad and wanted to fight, and when they got back +from the ring to the animal tent they wouldn't eat the baled hay +but threw it all over the tent, and acted riotous.</p> +<p>The kangaroos would not do their boxing act, the horses kicked +at their hay, and wouldn't eat their oats, the camels growled at +their food, and scared the people who passed by where they were +tied to stakes, the sacred cattle got their backs up and acted as +though they, being pious, couldn't swear, but would like to hire +the hyenas to swear for them; the giraffes laid down and curled +their necks so they were no attraction to the show, 'cause a +giraffe is no curiosity unless he stretches himself away up +towards the top of the tent. The zebras rolled in the mud and +spoiled their stripes, so people couldn't tell them from common +mules; the grizzly bear walked his cage, and kept giving vent to +bear language, and the big lion was howling all the time.</p> +<p>The show was a failure at that town, and when we loaded the +train the managers held a meeting in our car to decide what in +thunder was the matter with the animals. All kinds of theories +were advanced, such as poison, malaria from Indiana, and pure +cussedness. After they had discussed the matter awhile, pa came +in, and they asked him what he thought about it, and that tickled +pa, 'cause as foolish as he looks, he helps the show out of lots +of bad holes. Pa lit a cigar and put it in one side of his mouth, +put his hat up on one side of his head, like he was tough, and +looked wise, and said:</p> +<p>"Fellow fakirs, I have been watching the animals all day, and +while I do not say they understand enough of the ways of human +beings to be posted on labor unions, and all that, I want to tell +you they are on a strike, and that grizzly and that lion are the +walking delegates that are stirring them up to mischief. They may +not know anything about the teamsters' strike, but they know +something has happened, and they are displeased at something, and +they have lost respect for the employer. They are on a strike, +and the very devil is going to pay to-morrow, unless the cause of +the dissatisfaction is discovered, mutual concessions made, and +arbitration resorted to.</p> +<p>"Gentlemen, you hear me," said pa, and he sat down on the edge +of the arm of the car seat.</p> +<p>They gave pa the laugh, but finally told him to take charge of +the strike and settle it quick, but they wanted to know what he +thought animals would be dissatisfied about, as long as they got +food enough to eat.</p> +<p>Pa said: "I'll tell you. You feed the horses and other +hay-eating animals on musty baled hay, bought from contractors +that may have had it on hand for five years. How would you like +it if you were served with breakfast food that had been stored in +a warehouse until it was mildewed? A horse or an elephant has +feelings. Give them baled hay, and when they are trying to pick +out a mouthful that is not spoiled, you drive along with a load +of nice new-mown timothy or alfalfa, and see them make a rush for +that load of hay, the way my ten-horse team did the other day for +that load of cornstalks. Then the sacred cattle are hot under the +collar because of the fellows who use profanity. Can you imagine +a sacred cow trying to be good, and set a pious example to the +heathen animals, being patient when they have to listen to +swearing? You buy meat that is tainted for the lions, who like +fresh meat, and the jackal, that only loves bad meat, gets the +only sirloin in the lot. Let me run the menagerie to-morrow, and +I will have Mr. Lion, the walking delegate, declare this strike +off."</p> +<p>Well, they told pa to arbitrate the strike, and the next day +he had a couple of loads of timothy hay, such as mother used to +make, driven in and unloaded, and the horses, elephants, camels, +and things almost set up a cheer for pa. The meat-eating animals +were given a picnic of the freshest beef, with a little so +decayed that it was only fit to be buried, for the hyenas and +jackals, and every animal was happy. They did their turns better +than ever, and the sacred cattle almost acted devilish.</p> +<p>Now the animals have declared the strike off, and they want to +lick pa's hand. The owners of the show appreciate genius, and +they have raised pa's salary and given him full charge of the +menagerie.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XIII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XIII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Circus Strikes the Quaker City--They Go on a +Ginger Ale</span><br> + <span class="c2">Jag--Pa Breaks Up an Indian War Dance and Comes +Near Being</span><br> + <span class="c2">Burned Alive--The World's Fair Cannibals Have a +Roast Dog</span><br> + <span class="c2">Feast.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Ever since we knew the show was billed for Philadelphia for a +Saturday and that we should have to stay over Sunday in that +town, there has been symptoms of a revolt. Everybody connected +with the show has a horror of being found dead in Philadelphia. +They claim it is too dead for live people, and not very +satisfactory to dead people.</p> +<p>A performer who was with the show last year says that nobody +but the newspaper people who had free tickets attended the +performances, and some of them wouldn't go in the tent unless the +press agent promised to set up a free lunch, with devilish ginger +ale to drink, and that the press people got riotous on ginger +ale. A ginger ale jag is terrible. When a man is full of ginger +ale his intestines loop the loop, and tie up in knots, and gripe +like cholera infantum, and unless his friends hold him he goes +out into the world and wants to kill the women and children, and +non-combatants.</p> +<p>Last year our press agents filled up the members of the local +press with ginger ale, and when we struck Philadelphia this time +the newspapers had sworn out warrants for our show, on the charge +of compounding a felony, which I suppose is the legal name for +ginger ale. The way the Quakers patronize a show is to put on +their gray clothes, and their big white hats and stand on the +corners when the parade goes by, and never crack a smile, or act +interested, and when the parade has passed they go to the circus +lot and see the balloon ascension, and stand on wagon wheels and +try to look over the side of the tent at the performance, and +then they kick because the audience on the back seats cut off +their view from the wagon wheels.</p> +<p>Last year our show killed a Quaker, and the community is down +on us. The Quaker got in the show because he owned a half inch of +ground that its tents were on, and he stood right by the ring, +and when the champion female rider was suspended in the air +between two bareback horses, he leaned over too far inside the +ring, and she kicked his hat clear up to the roof of the tent, +and a female trapeze performer up there caught it and sat down on +it on the trapeze. The old Quaker had heart disease and fell +dead. What the Quakers complained of was that after the Quaker's +remains had been removed from the ring, that the show went right +on. They claimed that we ought to have shown proper respect for +the dead by closing the show for 30 days, and wearing crape on +our arms, but a circus is not built that way.</p> +<p>Ordinarily it may be quiet enough in Philadelphia on Sunday, +but pa found that he had more of a run for his money than at any +place we have been so far. We have had a tribe of Indians with +our wild west department all summer, and pa has not stood very +well with the Indians since he was in charge of the show at Fort +Wayne, and they all got drunk, and he had them tied up to the +poles around the ring until they got sober. They have laid for pa +ever since, and it was only a matter of time when they got him. +Then at Pittsburg our manager picked up a company of cannibals +that had got left over from the St. Louis fair, and who agreed to +perform for their board and clothes, and as they don't wear any +clothes to speak of, and only eat dog week days, and hope to get +a human being to roast on Sunday, it seemed a pretty good +bargain.</p> +<p>Well, the Indians got permission to hold a green corn dance in +a piece of woods near the circus lot, and the management got them +a wagon load of corn, and they had built a fire and were roasting +the corn, and dancing, and pa didn't know about it, and just +after dark the Quaker who owned the woods complained to pa, who +was on watch Sunday night, that his Indians had got off the +reservation and were preparing to go on the warpath, and he +wanted them to get off his premises. Pa said he would go right +over and drive them back to the tents.</p> +<p>I tried to get pa to let the police go and drive them off, but +he said he hadn't no time to go and wake up the police, and they +wouldn't get around anyway before the middle of the week. So pa +took a tent stake and started for the green corn roast. The +Indians were taking turns dancing and eating roasted corn, and +they had a barrel of beer, and I knew enough about Indians to +keep away from them when they mix beer with green corn, for it +has about the same effect as committing suicide with carbolic +acid.</p> +<p>Pa put his hat on one side of his head and went right into the +midst of the Indians, and grabbed a chief called "One Ear at a +Time," and hit him with the tent stake, and knocked him down, and +said, "Now, you git." Well, sir, that Indian had no more than +struck the fire in a sitting position, and filled the air with +the odor of fried buckskin, before the whole tribe jumped on pa, +and they kicked him with their moccasins, and were going to +murder him, while the chief who acted as the burnt offering got +out of the fire, and sat down in the cold mud to cool himself. He +held up his hand as a signal of attention, and he called a +council of war, while the squaws sat on pa to hold him down.</p> +<p>The council of war sentenced pa to be burned at the stake, and +they tied him to a tree and began to pile sticks around him, and +pa told me to go to the circus lot and give an alarm, and send +the hands to rescue him. Gee, but didn't I run though, and yell +an alarm big enough for a massacre. I told the hands, who were +sleeping under the seats, or playing cards on the trunks that the +Indians were burning pa at the stake, and some of the hands said +that would serve him right, and the fellows that were playing +cards said they didn't want to break up the game when they were +losers, to rescue no baldheaded curmudgeon. I thought pa was a +goner, sure, 'cause I could hear the Indians yell, and I thought +I could smell flesh burning. Oh, but I was scared for fear they +would burn pa alive.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="451"><img alt="164.gif" src= +"Pictures/164.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#452">The Indians Tied Pa to a +Tree<br> + and Began to Pile Sticks Around Him.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Just then the man who had charge of our cannibals, who each +had a dog that they were looking for a place to roast, came along +and I told him about the Indians' corn roast, and he ordered the +cannibals to go drive the Indians away from their fire and roast +their dogs. Well, it worked like a charm, and the cannibals made +a rush for the Indians and drove them away just as they had +lighted the fire around pa, and we were not a minute too soon. +After the Indians had skedaddled for the woods, and we cut the +cords that bound pa, the cannibals went to work and skun the +dogs, and began to cook them, and pa looked on, until it made him +squirmish, but he was so tickled at being saved from the Indians, +that he tried to be a good fellow with the cannibals. I guess it +would have been all right, only the cannibals got to drinking the +Philadelphia beer, and then it was all off, cause roast dog +wasn't good enough for them, and they wanted to roast pa.</p> +<p>First they offered pa dog to eat, but he had swore off on dog, +and passed on it, and that made the cannibals mad, and they got +ready to roast pa, and I guess they would have eaten him half +cooked, if it hadn't been for the performers and freaks who had +missed their pet dogs, and the circus hands told them the +cannibals had just gone to the woods with a mess of dogs to roast +for a dog feast.</p> +<p>Well, they were just getting a fire around pa, and he was +giving the grand hailing sign of distress, when the performers, +headed by the fat woman, whose peeled Mexican dog was lost in the +shuffle, came in amongst the cannibals, and pa and the other dogs +were rescued, in the darnedest fight I ever saw. The performers +just walked right over the cannibals, and mauled them with +stakes, and all the dogs that had not been killed were pulled +away from the heathen, and saved. The fat woman got her dog all +right, and when pa came up from the stake where they were going +to burn him, and congratulated her on recovering her dog, she +turned on pa and accused him of being the leading cannibal, and +that he was the one who put up the whole job to steal the dogs. +She jabbed him with a parasol, but pa was innocent.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="449"><img alt="168.gif" src= +"Pictures/168.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#450">The Fat Woman Jabbed Pa with +Her Parasol.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The Indians got back to the tent along towards morning, and +the cannibals went back with us, and we had to feed them on +wieners, which was the nearest to roast dog we could get for them +at that time of night.</p> +<p>Pa seems to get it in the neck in this show, 'cause everything +that goes wrong is laid to him, and if anything goes right, +somebody else gets the credit, and I think he would resign if it +was not for his pride. After the trouble about the Indians and +the cannibals the manager called pa up and reprimanded him for +indulging the tribes in their wild orgies, and said he couldn't +maintain discipline as long as pa mixed up with them and +encouraged them in such things.</p> +<p>Pa tried to explain that he was the victim instead of being +the cause of the dog roast, but the manager dismissed pa by +telling him not to let it occur again. Then to show the +inconsistency of the manager, he ordered pa to go on ahead of the +show to New York, and advertise that the cannibals in our show +would give an exhibition of roasting and eating a human being, +and to offer a reward for anybody that would consent to be +roasted and eaten in public.</p> +<p>Pa has gone to New York to look for somebody who will take the +position of meat for the cannibals, and he is instructed to spare +no expense to find such a man. He thinks he may find somebody +connected with the Life Insurance scandal, who has lost all +desire to live any longer, and who will gladly go into this +"mutual" scheme. I don't know.</p> +<p>This circus business is too much for me, 'cause I am losing +friends all the time. Even the monkeys have got so they seem to +be ashamed to be seen talking to me, and when I pass the monkey +cage they turn their backs on me, as though I did not belong to +their set. When a fellow gets so low that monkeys feel above him, +and throw out sarcastic remarks when he goes by, it is time to +change your luck some way.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XIV."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XIV.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">A Newport Monk Is Added to the Show--The Boy +Teaches Him Some</span><br> + <span class="c2">"Manly Tricks"--The Tent Blows Down and a Panic +Follows--Pa</span><br> + <span class="c2">Manages the Animal Act Which Ends in a Novel +Manner.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>We have added to the show the most remarkable animal that ever +was-a baboon that dresses like a man, and eats at a table, using +a knife and fork, and a napkin. This baboon has been playing an +engagement with the Four Hundred at Newport, dining with the +crowned heads at that resort, but the confounded baboon got to be +too human, and he fell in love with an heiress, and scared one of +the Willie boys that was also in love with her. His friends were +afraid that the baboon would cut Willie out entirely, or get +jealous and injure Willie, so the manager of the Four Hundred +show decided to banish the baboon, and our show sent pa to +Newport to buy the baboon and bring him to our show at New +York.</p> +<p>We had the darndest time getting him away from Newport. Pa +couldn't do any with him, but he took to me, 'cause he thought I +was his long-lost brother, and I could do anything with him. We +got him in our stateroom on the boat, and took his clothes away +from him, 'cause he only wears his clothes when he is being dined +and wined, and we chained him in the upper berth. He just raised +the very deuce on the way down to New York. After pa and I got to +sleep that baboon got my clothes, and put them on, slipped the +chain over his head, jumped through the transom, and went into +every berth where the transom was open, and chatted with the +people who occupied the berths. There was an old man and woman +from New Hampshire in one berth, and when the monk got in their +berth and began to talk the Newport language, the old man thought +it was me, and he said: "Now, bub, you go away to your pa."</p> +<p>The monk went out, and got into another berth, and crawled +under the bunk, and when the woman came in to go to bed, she +looked under it to see if any man was there. When she saw our +baboon she yelled "fire," and the officers of the boat pulled him +out by the hind leg, and tore my pant leg off. Pa and I had to +sit up the rest of the night with him, and when we landed him +with the show at Madison Square Garden we felt relieved.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="447"><img alt="172.gif" src= +"Pictures/172.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#448">When She Saw the Baboon She +Yelled Fire.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>One woman on the boat has followed us ever since to collect +damages from pa, 'cause his oldest son, the monk, proposed to +her. Gee, it seems to me a woman ought to know the difference +between a baboon and a man, but some women will marry anything +that wears clothes.</p> +<p>The monk took to me so, Pa said I must teach him everything I +could that men do, so I thought it would do no harm to teach him +to chew tobacco, 'cause he could already smoke cigarettes, so I +borrowed a chew from the boss canvasman, a great big chew of +black plug tobacco, and the monk grabbed it, and chewed it +awhile, just before the afternoon performance, and swallowed it. +I knew that settled the monk, and when the audience came along by +his cage, and pa was trying to get him to perform, as he did at +Newport, eating dinner like a man, the monk turned pale, and his +stomach ached, and he stood on his head, and held his stomach in +both hands, and kicked the table over. Then he hit pa a swat with +his foot, and wound his tail around pa's neck, and laid his head +on pa's shirt bosom, and was seasick.</p> +<p>Pa said: "Well, this beats everything. What did you do to +him?"</p> +<p>I told pa I had only been teaching the monk manly tricks, and +pa said: "Well, you have overdone it." And then the Humane +society had pa arrested for cruelty to animals. But the monk got +over it, and now he tries to be a masher, and winks at women, and +flirts with them just as the men do at Newport.</p> +<hr class="c3"> +<p>We thought we were smart when we held up the railroad for +damages back in Pennsylvania, after the wreck, but we are getting +a dose of our own medicine. At Poughkeepsie there came up a wind +and rainstorm that blew the tent down right in the midst of the +evening performance, and scared everybody half to death. Several +people were hit by tent poles and hurt some, and it was the +wildest scene I ever saw, and people who got out alive ran away +in the dark, and somebody said the animals had all got loose, and +some of the people never stopped running till daylight the next +morning.</p> +<p>Some run into the river, and the ambulances carried the +injured to hospitals. Pa stampeded with the elephants, and never +showed up till noon the next day. By that time at least 1,000 +people had filed claims for damages, and all the lawyers from +Albany to New York were on our trail.</p> +<p>The managers appointed pa to settle with the injured, and the +way he argued with those people was a caution. One old woman was +killed, and pa tried to show her relatives that as she was old +and helpless, and more or less a burden to the family, they ought +to pay the show something for getting her off their hands. One +tramp had his feet cut off, and pa tried to show him how much he +would save in shoes the rest of his life, and that he was in big +luck. We left pa at Poughkeepsie to settle the cases, and went on +to New York, and we heard the people had lynched him, but he +showed up in a couple of days with money left. Now all the +lawyers in New York are after us with claims and they have +attached most everything, and the show is up against it.</p> +<p>What a difference it makes who wants damages. When we were +working the railroad for damages, it was a cinch, and like +getting money from home, but now that the people are working us +for damages, for being smashed up under our tent, we look upon it +as a crime, and tell them it is an act of Providence, and that +the show is not to blame for a windstorm. But the lawyers can't +be very pious, for they won't believe in the act of Providence +racket, and we shall have to cough up all the profits of the +season.</p> +<p>Since we got settled in New York for a two weeks' stand, in +Madison Square Garden, we are having the tents repaired, and +don't have to put up and take down tents, and ride all night on +trains. We are all stopping at hotels and getting rested, and pa +is having a chance to shine.</p> +<p>The managers think pa is trying to commit suicide, for he +wants to take the place of anybody who is sick or drunk, and is +the understudy of everybody. We got one act that just curdles +your blood, a cage in the ring, with lions and tigers and +leopards, who go through all kinds of stunts. One lion rides a +horse and jumps through hoops, and lands on the back of the +horse, and jumps on a staging and lets the horse go around the +ring, and then jumps on again. The horse is blindfolded, so he +don't know it is a lion that jumps on his back, but thinks it is +a man.</p> +<p>The tigers ride bicycles, and the leopards jump about wherever +the trainer tells them to; a monkey acts as clown, and a little +elephant runs a make-believe automobile. That act alone is worth +the price of admission.</p> +<p>Well, the regular trainer went to Coney Island, and got drunk, +and we either had to cut out that performance, or give back the +money, and the manager was wailing about it, 'cause nothing makes +a circus man wail like giving back good money. Then pa said he +would save the day by taking charge of the animal act. He said he +had watched it every day, and knew how to do it, and he could +dress up in the clothes of the regular trainer, and the animals +wouldn't know the difference. Gee, but I was scared to have pa +try to run that animal show, and I think everyone in the show +believed it would be pa's finish. I felt like an orphan when pa +came out of the dressing-room with the trainer's clothes on, +though pa's stomach was so big you would think a blindfolded +horse would know pa was no trainer.</p> +<p>Well, pa went in the round cage made of bar iron, and motioned +to the attendants to send the animals into the cage through the +chute from the animal quarters. The first to come were two tigers +that were to ride velocipedes. I trembled for pa when they went +in and waved their tails and looked at pa as much as to say: "O, +we won't do a thing to you." They actually looked at each other +and winked; but pa motioned to the velocipedes, and looked +fierce, and when they hesitated about getting on, pa said: "You +won't, won't you," and he took a club filled with lead and +started for the biggest tiger. He hesitated a moment, and then he +jumped on the machine, and the other followed, and they raced +around, and then pa made them get off and jump hurdles. Finally +he motioned to a shelf for them to jump up onto, and when they +hesitated he kicked one in the slats, and hit the other with the +club, and they went up on that shelf too quick, but they stayed +there and snarled at pa, and I was afraid they would jump on him +when his back was turned.</p> +<p>Then they brought in the blind horse and the lion, and the +lion was onto pa, and he struck right off. He got up on the +pedestal from which he was to jump onto the horse's back, but +when the horse came around the lion wouldn't jump, and pa said: +"I'll give you one more chance," and the horse went under the +lion, and he wouldn't jump. So pa stopped the horse and took an +iron bar and knocked the lion off onto the floor, and he growled +at pa, but pa kept mauling him, and finally the lion jumped up on +the pedestal and seemed to say: "Bring on your horse," and pa +started the horse, and Mr. Lion made his jumps all right, and the +audience cheered pa.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="446"><img alt="180.gif" src= +"Pictures/180.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#445">Pa Kept Mauling the +Lion.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>All the animals went through their stunts all right, but I +thought I could see they were laying for pa, and I wished he was +out of the cage. The wind-up came when the lions were seated on +benches, and the elephant was between them, and the tigers and +leopards made a pyramid, and the monkey was clawing around pa's +legs. The signal was about to be given for the animals to return +through the chute, when the monkey tackled pa's legs like a +football player, the elephant pushed pa over, and the lions pawed +him and snarled, and the tigers took a mouthful out of pa's +pants, and the leopards snatched his red coat off, and the signal +was given for them to get out of the cage, and they went out like +boys at recess, leaving pa in the cage with the blind horse, with +not clothes enough left on him to wad a gun. He was not even +scratched, however, the animals having just combined to humiliate +pa.</p> +<p>The audience cheered. Pa said "Well, wouldn't that skin you." +They threw him an overcoat to put on, and he bowed like a hero, +and quit the ring cage, and was met outside by the whole show +management, and congratulated on having more nerve than any man +alive.</p> +<p>Pa said: "If you will give me a shotgun loaded with bird shot, +I will make those animals get on their knees at the next +performance, and beg my pardon. You can discharge your trainer, +and I will teach them a lot of new stunts."</p> +<p>Say, pa is a wonder, and he has already got old Barnum beat a +block.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XV."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XV.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Feeds the Menagerie Scotch Snuff--Pa +Gets Mauled</span><br> + <span class="c2">by the Sneezing Animals--Pa Takes a Midnight +Ride on a Mule</span><br> + <span class="c2">to Escape Punishment.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Well, I s'pose I have done it now and it would not surprise me +to be killed and fed to wild animals,' The manager of the show +was talking to pa and me, before we left New York, about the +condition of the show. Its finances were all balled up on account +of settling with people who pretended to be injured when the tent +blew down at Poughkeepsie, and the hands and performers are +kicking because we are a month behind on salaries, and they get +drunk whenever any jay will buy for them. Everybody gives passes +to everybody that wants to get in the show, so the box office man +has a sinecure, and people chase us from town to town for money +for board, and hay and everything.</p> +<p>All through New Jersey we showed to claim agents and +creditors, and didn't take in money enough to buy meat for the +animals. He said the animals had all taken cold, and lay around +dormant, and didn't take any interest in the business, and the +manager told pa he must think of something to wake the animals +up. Pa said he would leave it to me to wake 'em up, and get some +ginger into them. I told pa if I had five dollars to spend I +could make every animal jump like a box car. Pa gave me the +money, and I went and bought five pounds of Scotchsnuff, and +divided it up into ounce packages, and started during the +afternoon performance at Wilmington, Del., to wake up the +animals.</p> +<p>There is something peculiar about animals, if you try to give +them anything that they think you want them to take, you can't +drive it down them with a pile driver, but if you try to hide +something where they can reach it, they watch you out of one eye, +and when you go away they look at you as much as to say: "O, you +think you are smart, don't you?" Then they will go and dig it up, +and play with it, and eat it if they want to.</p> +<p>I took my first package of snuff to the lion's cage, and he +was the sickest and most disgusted looking lion you ever saw, +acting like a man who has taken a severe cold, and wants to kill +anybody that looks at him. The lion lay on the straw, stretched +out full length, paying no attention to the crowd that passed his +cage, and acting as though he wanted a hot whisky and his feet +soaked in mustard water. When he was not looking I hid the +package of snuff under the straw, and rattled the straw a little, +and he opened his eyes and looked at me as much as to say: "You +can't fool old Shadrack, for I am onto you." I walked away behind +the hyena cage, and Mr. Lion got up and stretched himself, and +walked to the place where I put the paper of snuff, put his foot +on it and broke the paper, and then he put his nose down and +sniffed a sniff that drew the whole of the snuff up into his nose +and lungs, and insides generally.</p> +<p>Gee, but you never saw such a change in a lion. The crowd of +visitors were right near his cage, when he sniffed, and when he +got the snuff into him, he began to heave his sides like a man +who is preparing to sneeze, caught his breath a few times, and +let out a sneeze that sounded like the explosion of an automobile +tire. It threw cut feed all over the audience, and everybody ran +away yelling that the lion busted.</p> +<p>He kept on sneezing, and looking so astounded, as though he +couldn't make out what had got into him. Pa heard the commotion +and came running up to the cage to find out what ailed the lion. +After I had gone around to the other cages and put snuff in all +of them, I came up to the lion's cage. The lion had stopped +sneezing and was roaring and jumping up and down, with his mouth +open, trying to catch his breath, like a man who has taken too +big a dose of fresh horse-radish.</p> +<p>Pa said: "What have you been doing to Shadrack?"</p> +<p>I told pa I had woke Shadrack up, and that in about a minute +he would find that the whole animal kingdom had got a bellyful, +and would join in the chorus.</p> +<p>Pa tried to soothe the lion by going up to the cage and +stroking his mane, but the lion looked cross-eyed and stopped +prancing and gave a sneeze right at pa, which blew pa clear +across the tent to where the sacred cow had just got hers. When +the stuff began to work on that cow it was simply scandalous, +'cause she bellowed and cried and sneezed all at once, and pawed +pa. He got up and told me I was overdoing this waking up act on +the animals.</p> +<p>By that time the cage of hyenas began to sneeze a quartette, +and fight each other, and the atmosphere about their cage was +full of hair and language that would be much like cussing if it +could be translated into English. Pa tried to quiet the crowd and +silence the hyenas by taking an iron bar and mauling them, but +the hyenas just backed up against the rear of the cage and howled +and sneezed at pa, and dared him to come on.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="443"><img alt="186.gif" src= +"Pictures/186.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#444">The Lion Sneezed and Blew Pa +Clear Across the Tent.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>One of them caught him by the shirt sleeve and tore pa's shirt +off and eat it. Pa was a sight, with no shirt on, and he ought to +have gone to the dressing room and slicked, but just then the +camels and the giraffes, who had inhaled their snuff, began to +sneeze and beg to be killed, and pa had to go over there and +quiet them. A camel is the solemnist looking beast on earth when +he tries to be good natured, but when he is sick and mad, and +full of snuff, he is a fiend. One such camel is enough for a man +to handle, but when 14 camels are all sneezing at once, and +trying to locate the person that is responsible for their +trouble, it is the safest to keep away, and when pa went in +amongst them, with no shirt on, and the Arab keepers had run away +in fright, it was a dangerous thing to do.</p> +<p>But pa is brave even to rashness. He went up to Mahomet, the +double-humped leader of the herd, who was the leader of the +sneezers, and kicked him in the slats and told him to hush up his +noise. He clubbed him on the humps with a tent stake. Then there +was a rebellion in Egypt, and Mahomet bit pa, and wouldn't let +go, and the other camels sneezed all over pa, and had him down, +walking on him with their padded feet. The circus hands had to +pull pa out, and it wasn't so bad, because the crowd remained and +they thought it was a part of the show, and that the animals were +trained to sneeze that way.</p> +<p>The worst case was the hippopotamus. He was so big, and had +such big nostrils, that I laid about half a pound of snuff on the +side of his tank, and when he snuffed it up his nose he got it +all. I heard a howl from the tank and the herd, who was the +leader of the sneezers, and I told pa to come on, 'cause +Vessuvious was going to erupt.</p> +<p>Pa came on the run, just as he was, and then the worst +happened. I think the hippo went under water when he found the +sneeze was coming, for just as pa got to the tank the water flew +into the air like a torpedo had exploded under a battle-ship, and +the hippo had sneezed all right and pa and the audience which had +followed him were drenched and deafened by the explosion. The +hippo had blown the water all out of his tank, and he lay at the +bottom, on his side, sneezing little sneezes not louder than the +report of a six-pound cannon, and panting for breath. Then he +raised his head, got up on his feet, and opened his mouth like a +gash cut in a steer by a cow catcher of an engine, and he yawned, +and I guess he got the lockjaw, 'cause he kept his mouth open all +the afternoon to get the air, like a soprano singer in a choir, +who has been fed a cayenne pepper lozenger by the tenor, just +before she gets up to sing: "A Charge to Keep, I Have."</p> +<p>We went around and inspected the sneezing animals with the +manager, and he complimented me by saying I had saved the show +from becoming an aggregation of stuffed animals, only fit for a +taxidermist studio, and made every animal show that he had ginger +in him. He wanted me to try my snuff cure on the performers and +freaks, 'cause they were getting to be dead ones.</p> +<p>Well, before the day was over at Wilmington, Del., pa was +scared worse than he ever was in all his life before. The state +of Delaware is the only state that punishes criminals by tying +them up and whipping them on the bare back with a +cat-o'-nine-tails, and all our men had been warned to be good +while they were in Delaware, 'cause if they committed any crime +there was no power on earth that could save them from being +publicly horsewhipped. Pa himself impressed it on the men to look +out that they didn't get into any trouble. Gee, but the fear of a +public whipping makes men good.</p> +<p>Twenty years ago some hold-up men from New York robbed a bank +in Delaware, and were caught, and given 50 lashes apiece on the +bare back, by a big negro, and there has never been a burglary in +Delaware since. We thought we would play a joke on pa, so the +manager told pa that constables were looking for him to arrest +him for cruelty to animals, for kicking a camel in the stomach, +and hitting the camel with an iron bar, and that if pa didn't +want to be publicly horsewhipped on the bare back he better skip +out for Washington, D.C., where we would show in a couple of +days, and wait for us.</p> +<p>Pa was so frightened he couldn't get supper, and everybody +talked about cats of nine tails, and how prisoners were cut to +pieces, and every time pa saw a jay with a slouch hat he thought +it was a constable after him. After dark he put on an old suit of +clothes and said he was going to Washington. They told him if he +went to take a train he would surely be arrested at the depot, so +pa put a saddle on one of the mules, and rode out of town and +rode all night, and all the next day he bought oats of farmers to +be delivered at Wilmington for the circus. Finally he got out of +Delaware, and the next day the farmers came in with the oats, but +the show was gone, and they won't do a thing to pa if he ever +shows up in Delaware again.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="441"><img alt="192.gif" src= +"Pictures/192.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#442">Pa Rode Out of Town and Rode +All Night.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa met us at the depot in Washington, but he was ever so +changed from his long ride and anxiety over the possibility of +being arrested and pilloried, and lambasted by a negro in +Delaware. He said to me, with a trembling voice: "Hennery, this +'ere show business is too much for your pa. I would rather be a +Mormon, in Utah, with 40 wives, and several hundred children, and +long whiskers. I am a changed man, Hennery, and afraid of my +shadow."</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XVI."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XVI.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">A Senator's Son Bets the Bad Boy That Elephants +Are</span><br> + <span class="c2">Cowards--They Let a Bag of Rats Loose at the +Afternoon</span><br> + <span class="c2">Performance--The Elephants Stampede, Pa +Fractures a Rib and</span><br> + <span class="c2">General Pandemonium Reigns.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Gee, but I must be an easy mark. I have got so I bet on a sure +thing, and when a fellow bets on a sure thing he is bound to +lose.</p> +<p>It was this way. The show arrived in Washington, D. C., on a +Sunday morning, and, as usual, all the boys in town came to the +lot to see us put up the tents. I was around with pa and the boss +canvasman, and the town boys could see I belonged to the show, +and they envied me and wanted to get acquainted with me so I +would let them walk around with me, and go into the tents Sunday +afternoon and see the animals.</p> +<p>There was one boy with a sort of rough rider hat on, and +buckskin fringe on his pants, and everybody said he was a +senator's son, but the other boys had rather be acquainted with +me, because I belonged to the show, and I took pity on the +senator's son and let him talk to me, without looking cross at +him, or snubbing him, as I do most boys who try to butt in on me. +I got to liking the senator's son and had him come in the tent, +and we put in the afternoon looking at the animals.</p> +<p>The elephants were chewing hay and looking fierce, and the +senator's boy said elephants were the greatest cowards on earth, +and I said, "Not on your life; the giant in our show is the +greatest coward, and the behemoth of holy writ is next." The +senator's son said elephants were such cowards they were afraid +of mice, and we could take a trap full of mice and turn them +loose in the ring and the elephants would stampede, and he would +bet five dollars on it. I excused myself for a moment and told pa +what the senator's son offered to bet, and pa said: "Here's $50, +and you can take all the bets you can get. Why, this herd of +elephants would walk on mice, and rats, too. You bet with him and +tell him to bring along all the rats and mice he can find in the +white house, and you can turn them into the ring Monday afternoon +when the elephants do their turn, and if an elephant bats an eye +I will eat his ears for mushrooms."</p> +<p>I went back to young Mr. Senator and took his bet, and told +him I had plenty more money to bet the same way, and he said the +next afternoon he would come with his mice and rats, and a lot of +money to bet that you couldn't hold that flock of elephants with +log chains when he opened his bag of rats and mice.</p> +<p>Well, how it got into the papers I do not know, but the next +morning they all said an interesting experiment would be made the +next afternoon at the great and only circus, to determine once +and for all whether elephants were afraid of mice, and that a +senator's son and a son of one of the proprietors of the show +would conduct the experiment by turning loose a lot of mice and +rats in the rings at precisely 3:30 p.m.</p> +<p>Well, you never saw such a crowd in a circus as we had that +afternoon. It seemed as though the whole population turned out, +foreign ministers, negroes, society people and clerks. That +senator's son and the whole family, and the neighbors, must have +been up all night catching mice and rats, and it took nine boys +and three servants to carry the baskets and traps and bags of +mice and rats. I passed them all in and we lined up on a front +seat to wait for the elephant stunt, and when the thing was ripe +we were to empty the whole mess of vermin into the ring.</p> +<p>I felt as though something was wrong 'cause I saw the new moon +over my left shoulder the night before, and now I wish I had died +before this thing happened. When the Japanese jugglers went out +of the ring I knew that was the cue for the elephants to come in, +and when the dressing room curtain was pulled aside and old +Bolivar came out at the head of the herd, and they marched around +the outside of the ring, clear around the tent, my heart jumped +up into my throat, and I felt sick.</p> +<p>The senator's son said: "When these rats and things begin to +chase your old elephants, you won't be able to see their tails +for the dust they will kick up."</p> +<p>Then I thought of the money pa had given me to bet, and I +offered to bet it all, and a negro produced funds and took all my +bets like a bookmaker.</p> +<p>Well, after doing a turn around the big ring, the trainer +steered the elephants into the middle ring, and the great +audience leaned forward to catch every trick the elephants +did.</p> +<p>Us boys held on to the bags that the mice and things were in, +waiting for our cue. The elephants stood on their heads and hind +feet, and fore feet, laid down, fired pistols, and did everything +just right, without making a mistake. Finally the trainer formed +the whole herd into a grand pyramid, with old Bolivar in the +center, each elephant holding an American flag with his trunk, +and waving it, and the audience broke out into a cheer that +fairly ripped the canvas.</p> +<p>Then I said to young Mr. Senator: "Come on with your rats, +now, and I win $50." All hands picked up the baskets and bags and +went to the side of the ring and emptied the whole bunch of more +than 500 into the ring. The rats and mice rushed for the +elephants, and then turned and made a rush for the reserved +seats.</p> +<p>Oh, dear, what a time we had. The elephants got down off that +pyramid so quick it would make your head swim, and old Bolivar +trumpeted in abject fear, and tried to break away, but pa came +along with a tent stake and hit Bolivar over the head, and told +the trainer to put the elephants back into the pyramid and hold +them there till the bell rung for them to cease their stunt. The +trainer couldn't do anything with them, and they bellowed and +dodged mice and shied at rats, and Bolivar took his trunk and +swatted pa clear across the ring.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="439"><img alt="200.gif" src= +"Pictures/200.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#440">Bolivar Swatted Pa Clear +Across the Ring.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The elephants followed Bolivar to the main entrance, each +elephant trying to walk on the heels of the one ahead of him, and +all the circus hands trying to head off the elephants, but they +wouldn't head off. They were simply scared to death, and they +broke out the side of the tent near the lemonade stand and went +whooping out into the open air and freedom, while the audience +yelled with joy.</p> +<p>Young Mr. Senator said to me: "What do you think of elephants +now?"</p> +<p>I told him to take his money and he darned.</p> +<p>The audience was getting nervous, so the band struck up "A Hot +Time in the Old Town," and they were quieting down as the curtain +raised and the horses for the chariot race came out. Just then a +woman with red socks got up on her chair in the press seats and +pulled her dress away up and yelled, "Rats!" and another woman +screamed and jumped up on a seat with her clothes at half mast, +and yelled that there were mice on the seats. In less than two +minutes every woman in the audience, and the bearded woman, and +the fat woman, were standing up on something, holding up their +dresses and shaking their skirts and screaming, and when the fat +woman fell into the arms of the bearded woman, in a faint, and +the bearded woman dropped the fat woman, pa told the bearded +woman he was ashamed of her screaming, 'cause she ought to be +more of a man than that.</p> +<p>Well, every mouse and rat in the bunch seemed to be looking +for women to scream at them, and there was no use trying to run a +show with such an excited audience, so pa had the band play "Good +Night, Ladies," and he announced that the performance might be +considered over for the afternoon. Everybody made a rush for the +exits. Each woman held up her skirts and fairly galloped to get +away from the mice and rats.</p> +<p>They all got out of the tent finally, and then the managers +had a meeting to find out who started the trouble, and what it +was best to do about it. I was sitting alone on a front seat, +thinking over the scenes of the afternoon, and wondering what the +young senator's son would do with the money he had won of me, and +whether he had depopulated the white house of rats and mice, so +the president would notice it. I was thinking about elephants and +wondering if they were cowards by nature, or had acquired +cowardice by associating with mankind, when pa came along and sat +down by me, a picture of despair, 'cause Bolivar had fractured +one of his ribs, and the fat woman had paralyzed his knees +sitting on his lap while they brought her to after she fainted +when she thought a rat was climbing into her sock.</p> +<p>Pa sighed, and said: "Hennery, I wanted an exciting life, to +keep me from brooding over advancing age, and I chose the circus +business, but I find it is rather too strenuous for me. Each day +something occurs to try my nerves. I do not claim that you are to +blame for it all, but I think I could enjoy my position with the +show if you would take the first train that goes north, and leave +me for awhile. What I need is rest. Go, boy, go!"</p> +<p>I felt sorry far pa, but I put my arm around him, and I said: +"Pa, do not fear. I will never desert you, until the season is +over. Wherever you go, I will go, and I will keep you awake, +don't fear. Now that we are going into the sunny south, where +every man may have it in for you, 'cause you were a Yankee +soldier, I will stay by you, and there will be things doing that +will make you think the past has been a sweet dream. See, +pa!"</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="437"><img alt="202.gif" src= +"Pictures/202.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#438">"Pa, Do Not +Fear."</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Pa sighed again, and said: "This is too much!" and he rushed +off to find the elephants.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XVII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XVII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy and the Senator's Son Go on an +Elephant</span><br> + <span class="c2">Chase--The Senator's Son Gets His Friend a Bid +to Dinner at</span><br> + <span class="c2">the White House--The Trained Seal Swallows an +Alarm Clock.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>The show remained in Washington two days, 'cause it took all +one day and night to catch the elephants, after the senator's boy +and I turned the rats and mice loose in the ring while the +elephants were forming a pyramid. Pa and all the circus hands had +to go away down towards the Bull Run battlefield to round them +up, and young Mr. Senator let me ride one of his ponies and he +and I went along to help catch the elephants.</p> +<p>We went out through Alexandria towards Bull Run battlefield. +There we overtook pa and the boss canvasman and the elephant +handler, and we met some farmers coming into Alexandria with +their families, stampeding like people out west when the Indians +go on the warpath. They had got up in the morning to milk the +cows and found about 20 elephants in the barnyard, making the +cows do a song and dance. Pa told them there was no danger at +all, 'cause he would take any elephant by the tail and snap its +head off, like boys snap the heads off garter snakes, and I told +them that me and the senator's boy stampeded the elephants and we +could drive them back to town like a drove of sheep.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="435"><img alt="206.gif" src= +"Pictures/206.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#436">We Met Some +Farmers.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The farmers thought we were great and they followed us back to +the farm, where we found the herd of elephants had taken +possession and were having the time of their lives. About a dozen +of the big elephants had found a couple of barrels of cider in a +shed and had been drinking it, and when we got there they were +like section hands with jags on.</p> +<p>Bolivar, the big elephant, was the drunkest, and when he saw +pa coming with the gang of hands, with ropes and spears, he +winked at the other elephants and seemed to say: "Watch me tree +'em," for he came out of the gate and bellowed, and made a charge +at the gang, and pa beat them all going up crab apple trees. The +senator's son saw pa up a tree, and he said: "Old gentleman, if +these are your animals, or insects, or whatever they are, you +ought to come down off your perch and take them to a Keeley cure, +because they are intoxicated."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="433"><img alt="208.gif" src= +"Pictures/208.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#434">Old Gentleman, You Ought to +Come Down Off Your Perch.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>And pa came down and took a fence rail and sharpened it with +an ax, and he run it into Bolivar about a foot, and Bolivar +trumpeted for surrender, and that settled the elephant strike, +for pa ordered Bolivar into the road, and in five minutes the +whole herd of elephants was following Bolivar back to Washington, +as meek as a drunken husband being led home by his wife.</p> +<p>Gee, what do you think? The president heard how the senator's +boy and I stampeded the elephants and invited the senator's boy +to bring his young friend around to the white house to supper. +Well, we went.</p> +<p>I forgot what we had to eat, I was so interested in the +president's conversation. He talked about the show business as +though he had been a ringmaster in a circus. He said he was in +the show the day before when we stampeded the elephants, and he +told us about his hunting trips in the west, until I could smell +bacon cooking at the camp fire, and I could smell the balsam +boughs they slept on, on the ground.</p> +<p>When he let up a little on his talk, I braced up and asked him +if he had rather shoot wild cats and bears than be president. He +hedged and said both occupations worked pretty well together and +he had enjoyed 'em both. Then I asked him if he was going to run +for president again, and he winked at his wife, and then he asked +me what made me ask the question. I told him pa wanted me to find +out. I told him all the boys wanted him to run, 'cause he was a +good feller, and not afraid of the cars.</p> +<p>The president laughed and said: "Well, it's this way. The +president business is a good deal like bear hunting. You get on a +fresh track, either in politics or bear hunting, and follow the +game with dogs, or politicians, as the case may be. The trail +keeps getting fresher and by and by the game is in sight, and the +dogs are nipping its hind legs, if it is a bear, or chewing big +words if it is an opposing candidate, and nipping him in exposed +places. You ride like mad, your clothes or your reputation torn +by briars if it is a bear, or by opposition newspapers if it is a +political campaign, and you wish it was over, many times, and are +so tired you wish you were dead. Finally your bear or your +opponent in politics is treed and the dogs are trying to climb +the tree, and your bear or your political opponent is up on a +limb snarling and showing his teeth at the dogs or the +politicians, and then you ride up, look the ground over, wait +till your heart stops beating and fire the shot at a vital part, +and your bear or your political opponent comes tumbling to the +ground. When he ceases to kick you put your foot on his neck and +feel sorry you killed him, but you go to work and skin him and +hang his hide on the fence. Then you have got to ride all night +to get to camp, if it is a bear, and work harder than a man on a +treadmill for four years, if it is a presidential candidate you +have skun."</p> +<p>I had sat with my mouth open while the president talked, and +never said a word, but when he quit I said: "Yes, but suppose +when you got your bear skun, another bear should come after you +and dare you to knock a chip off his shoulder, and growl, and +walk sideways with his bristles all up, would you run, or would +you stand your ground?"</p> +<p>"We better change the subject," said the president, and rose +from the table, and we all got up. He patted me on the head, and +said: "Tell your pa I will see him later, and in the meantime, +you run your circus and I will try to run mine."</p> +<p>The queerest thing happened that night. The senator's boy +spoke of our trained seals, that catch a fish if you throw it to +them and swallow it whole. He said it would be fun to take a +little alarm clock and sew it up in a fish, and set the alarm at +seven o'clock p. m., when the crowd is watching the seals swallow +fish, and throw it to the big seal, and the alarm would go off +inside him.</p> +<p>Well, I bit like a bass, and said we would do it, so he took a +little alarm clock and set it for seven o'clock. We got it into a +fish, and I am ashamed to tell what happened. Gee, but that seal +grabbed the fish with a clock in it, and tried to swallow it, but +the brass ring caught on one of his teeth, and he was trying to +get it loose when the alarm went off, and the seal jumped out of +the tank and began to prance around the crowd, scaring the women, +and making all the animals nervous. He stood on his head and +bellowed, and all the circus hands came rushing up. Finally the +alarm clock quit jingling, and they caught the seal and pulled +the clock off his tooth, and just then pa came up to me and said: +"What deviltry you boys up to now? Suppose that seal had +swallowed that clock, and you couldn't wind it up; it might kill +him. Now, go to the car, 'cause we are going to get out of this +town right off. You make me tired." And pa helped to lift the +slippery seal into the tank, and looked mad at his little boy, +and hurt the feelings of the senator's boy.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XVIII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XVIII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Show Strikes Virginia and the Educated +Ourang Outang Has</span><br> + <span class="c2">the Whooping Cough--The Bad Boy Plays the Part +of a Monkey,</span><br> + <span class="c2">but They Forget to Pin on a Tail.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Well, I have broke the show all to pieces, just by not being +able to stand grief. Everything is all balled up, the managers +are sore at me, and afraid of being sent to jail, and pa thinks I +ought to be mauled.</p> +<p>It was this way: When we left Washington we cut loose from +every home tie, and plunged into Virginia, and the trouble began +at once. We met a lawyer on the train, on the way to Richmond, +and fed him in our dining car, and got him acquainted with all +the performers and freaks, and he told us that we would have to +be careful in Virginia, 'cause all the white people were first +families and aristocratic, and if any man about our show should +fail to be polite to the white people they would be shot or +lynched, but if we wanted to shoot niggers the game laws were not +very strict about it, 'cause the open season on niggers run the +year around, but you couldn't shoot white people only two months +in the year. He said another thing that scared pa and the +managers. He said that if a traveling show did not perform all it +advertised the owners were liable to go to state prison for 20 +years, and that each town had men on the lookout to see that +shows didn't advertise what they didn't carry out.</p> +<p>Pa and the managers held a consultation, and couldn't find +that we advertised anything that we didn't have, except the +ourang outang that we took on at New York, which eats and dresses +like a man, 'cause that animal got whooping cough in Delaware and +had to be sent to a hospital, but we heard he was well again and +would join the show in a week. Pa asked the Richmond lawyer how +it would be if one of the animals that was advertised was sick +and couldn't perform, and he told pa the people would mob the +show if anything was left out.</p> +<p>When we got to Richmond the whole population, principally +niggers, was at the lot when we put up the tents, and everybody +wanted to catch a sight of Dennis, the ourang outang, and the +posters all over town that pictured Dennis smoking cigarettes +with a dress suit on, and eating with a knife and fork and a +napkin tucked under his chin, were surrounded by crowds. It was +plain that all the people cared for was to see the monk.</p> +<p>The managers held a council of war and decided the show would +be ruined if we didn't make a bluff at having an ourang outang, +so it was decided that I was to be dressed up in Dennis' clothes, +and put on a monkey mask, and go through his stunt at the +afternoon performance.</p> +<p>Gee, but I hated to do it, but pa said the fate of the show +depended on it and if I didn't take the part he would have to do +it himself, and I knew pa wasn't the build of man to play the +monkey, and so I said I would do it, but I will never do it again +for any show. The wardrobe woman fixed my up like Dennis, and I +had seen him go through his stunt so often I thought I could +imitate him, and of course there was no talking to do, but just +to grunt once in awhile, the way Dennis did, and have an animal +look.</p> +<p>Well, sir, the keeper who trained the ourang outang took me in +hand, and in an hour I was perfect, I had rubber feet and wore +black gloves, and had a tail fastened with a safety pin, that +would deceive the oldest showman in the business. When the crowd +was the biggest, in the middle ring, the keeper led me out of the +dressing room with a chain. The announcement was made by the +barker that Dennis, the educated ourang outang, that had +performed before crowned heads in Europe and sapheads in Newport, +the only man-monkey in the known world, would now entertain the +most select audience that had ever been under the tent. Then I +was dragged into the ring and put on the platform.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="431"><img alt="216.gif" src= +"Pictures/216.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#432">The Keeper Who Trained the +Ourang Outang<br> + Took Me in Hand.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>They didn't put on my dress clothes at first, but had a little +screen on the platform for me to go behind to dress, and I +appeared first in the natural state of the ourang outang, with a +suit of buffalo robe stuff that looked exactly like a big monkey. +I bowed and the audience cheered, and I stood on my hands and +scratched at an imaginary flea, and pa, who was leaning against +the platform, whispered to me that I was making the hit of the +season.</p> +<p>Then the attendants set the table and the keeper took me +behind the screen and dressed me, and the old fool forgot to put +on my tail. He led me out and I sat up to the table, hitched up +my cuffs, put a napkin under my chin, took a knife and fork and +began to eat, just like a human being. The audience cheered, and +the circus people crowded around and said I was just as good as +Dennis himself. I went through the whole of Dennis' performance +and never skipped a note, until a smart white man yelled: "Where +is the tail of your ourang outang?" and the crowd began to be +suspicious, and more than a thousand yelled. "There is no tail on +your monkey."</p> +<p>That rattled the trainer and he remembered that he had +forgotten to pin the tail on me, so while I was using the finger +bowl he went to the screen and got the tail and came out and was +pinning it on to my dress pants, when the audience began to yell: +"Fraud! Fraud! Kill the monk!" and a lot of stuff.</p> +<p>Then pa got on a barrel the elephants had been performing on +and got the attention of the audience and told them not to be +unreasonable. He said the management had found by experience that +after the ourang outang had been trained to eat like a man and +wear men's clothes, that his tail was in the way, so at a great +expense the management had caused Dennis' tail to be amputated at +a New York hospital, and while we always carry the tail along, it +was only used when a critical audience demanded it, but if this +refined audience so desired the tail would be attached to the +intelligent animal.</p> +<p>The crowd yelled: "Pin on the tail; the tail goes with the +hide," and the trainer began to pin it on. Say, I could have +killed that trainer. He run that safety pin about an inch into my +spine, and I jumped into the air about four feet, and I was going +to use a cuss word that I learned in Philadelphia, but I had +presence of mind enough to grunt just as Dennis used to, and +chatter like a monkey, and the day was saved. The tail was on and +I turned my back to show that it was on straight, like a woman's +hat, when pa said to hurry the performance to a conclusion, +because he could see that there was a spirit of unrest in the +audience, and he would not be surprised any moment to see +Virginia secede and go out of the union.</p> +<p>There was nothing more for me to do except to drink my cup of +after-dinner coffee, and smoke my cigarette, and quit, and I was +patting myself on the back at my success and squirming around in +the chair, 'cause the pin in my tail hurt my back but I never +said a word. The attendant brought in the coffee and I took a +couple of swallows, when I realized that somebody had put cayenne +pepper into it, and I was hot under the collar, but though I was +burning up inside, I never peeped, but just choked and took a +swallow of water and vowed to kill the person that made the +coffee.</p> +<p>I kept my temper till the trainer handed me the cigarette and +a match, and the first puff I realized that they had filled the +cigarette with snuff, and after blowing out the smoke I began to +sneeze, and the audience fairly went wild. I sneezed about eight +times, and at every sneeze the pin in my spine hurt like thunder, +but I never lost my temper, till about the seventh sneeze, when +my monkey mask flew off, and then a boy about my size, right in +front of me, yelled: "It ain't a monkey at all, it is a little +nigger," and he threw a ripe persimmon and hit me right in the +eye. I said right out in plain English: "You're a liar and I can +knock the stuffing out of you."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="429"><img alt="220.gif" src= +"Pictures/220.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#430">He Hit Me Right in the +Eye.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I pulled off my dress coat and started for him, but pa grabbed +me on one side and the monkey trainer on the other, and they +tried to get me to return to the monkey character, and chatter, +and pa put my monkey mask on me, but I struck right there, and +pulled it off, and told him and the managers that I would not +play monkey any more with a tail pinned to my spine, my stomach +full of cayenne pepper and my nostrils full of Scotch snuff, and +my face all puckered up with persimmons.</p> +<p>The crowd yelled: "Fraud! Fraud! Kill the bald-headed old man +who is the father of the monkey." and they were making a rush to +clean out the show when the dressing-room door opened to let the +hippodrome chariot racers out, and the way the chariots scattered +the crowd was a caution.</p> +<p>That saved us from serious trouble, for the chariots run over +a lot of negroes, which pleased the audience, and they let us off +without killing us. They got me back to the dressing-room and had +to take a pair of pinchers to get that safety pin out of my +spine, and on the way to the dressing-room some one walked on my +monkey tail and pulled it off, and that was a dead loss. Pa sat +by me and fanned me, 'cause I was faint, and then he said: "My +boy, you played your part well, until the persimmon hit you, and +then you forgot that you were an actor, and became yourself, and +I don't blame you for wanting to punch that boy who called you a +little nigger, and said I was your pa. After this chariot race is +over we will go around in front of the seats, and find the boy, +and you can do him up. Your monkey business was the feature of +the show to-day."</p> +<p>We went out and found a boy that looked like the one that +sassed me, but he must have been his big brother, 'cause when I +went up to him and swatted him on the nose, he gave me a black +eye, and I am a sight.</p> +<p>That evening, at the performance, we cut out the educated +ourang outang, and the lawyer we met on the cars came to the +show, and said we would all be arrested for not performing all we +advertised, but he could settle it for a hundred dollars, and pa +paid him the money, and he went out and got a jag and came in the +show and was going to make trouble, when pa took him to the cage +where the 40-foot boa constrictor was uncoiling itself, and the +Virginian got one look at the snake and went through the side of +the tent yelling: "I've got 'em again. Catch me, somebody."</p> +<p>We got out of town before morning, and nobody was arrested, +except the negroes that got run over in the chariot race.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XIX."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XIX.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Circus People Visit a Southern +Plantation--Pa, the Giant</span><br> + <span class="c2">and the Fat Woman Are Chased by Bloodhounds--The +Bad Boy</span><br> + <span class="c2">"Runs the Gauntlet."</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Gee, but pa is sore at me. He has been disgusted with me +before, but he never had it in for me so serious as he has now. I +guess the whole show would breathe easier if I should fall off +the train some dark night, when it was stormy, and we were +crossing a high bridge over a stream that was out of its banks on +account of a freshet.</p> +<p>It was all on account of our taking an afternoon off on a +Sunday at Richmond. An old planter that used to be in the circus +business before the war thought it would bring back old +recollections to him and give us a taste of country life in the +south if he invited all of us, performers, managers, freaks, and +everything, to spend the day on his plantation, and go nutting +for chestnuts and hickory nuts, pick apples and run them through +a cider mill and drink self-made cider, and have a good time.</p> +<p>We all appreciated the invitation, and after breakfast we rode +out in the country to his plantation in carriages and express +wagons and began to do the plantation. The fat lady and the +midgets rode out together in a load of cotton, and when they got +to the house they had to be picked like ducks, and they looked as +though they had been tarred and feathered.</p> +<p>The planter gave us a fine luncheon of fried chicken and corn +pone, and cider, and pa acted as the boss of the circus folks, +while the planter and his family, with about 100 negroes, passed +things around. They all seemed to be interested in seeing how +much stuff the giant and the fat lady could hold without putting +up sideboards to keep the food from falling off. If pa hadn't +told the negroes not to feed the fat lady and the giant any more, +there would have been two circus funerals next day.</p> +<p>I got acquainted with a boy that was the planter's son, and +while the rest were eating and drinking the boy showed me a pack +of hounds that are kept for trailing criminals and negroes who +have looked sassy at white women. The trouble with negroes is +that they all look alike, and if one commits a crime they can +prove an alibi, 'cause every last negro will swear that at the +time the crime was committed the suspected man was attending a +prayer meeting, so they have to have hounds that can be taken to +the place where the crime was committed, and they find the +negro's track, and they follow it till they tree him. The hounds +do not bite the negro, like we used to hear about, but they just +follow him till he is treed, and then they bark, as much as to +say: "Ah, there, Mr. Nigger, you just stay where you are till the +sheriff comes to fetch you," and Mr. Negro just turns pale and +stays on a limb till the sheriff comes with his lynching tools. +When the sheriff pulls a gun the negro confesses right there, and +the deputy sheriff brings the rope.</p> +<p>I asked the boy if the hounds would trail a white man without +hurting him, and he said if you put anise seed on their shoes the +hounds will trail 'em all right, so we put up a job to have some +fun. The boy gave me some anise seed, and told me to put it on +the shoes of anybody I wanted trailed, and after they got out in +the woods he would put the hounds on the trail, and the people +would have to get up trees, or have their pants chewed, but the +dogs would not hurt anybody.</p> +<p>Well, it made me laugh to think about it. I went to pa and +told him his shoes were all covered with red Virginia dust, and I +took my handkerchief and dusted them off, and made him hold up +his foot like a horse that is being shod. Then I put a handful of +anise seed around the sole, and in his shoes. He said it was +mighty kind in me to do it. Then I went to the giant, and brushed +the dust off his shoes, and put two handfuls of anise seed in +them, and he said I was a nice boy. I told the fat woman about +the dust on her telescope valises, and I rubbed it off, and gave +her feet a dose of anise seed that ought to have paralyzed a pack +of hounds. She wanted to hug me and let me kiss her, but I said I +passed, and she said she would do as much for me some time.</p> +<p>About this time the planter took the lead, and they all went +across a pasture into the woods, and began knocking nuts off the +trees. All through the woods there were signs: "No Tresspassing," +and "Beware of the Dogs," but the planter said to never mind the +signs. I told the boy to let the dogs loose on the trail in about +half an hour, and I went along with the folks, and I told pa I +had seen a pack of bloodhounds that would eat people alive, and +if he heard hounds barking to run like a whitehead and climb a +tree. I got with the giant, who is a coward in his own right, and +told him the only trouble about these great plantations in the +south was the wild dogs that inhabited the mountains, that would +not hesitate to attack a man if they got good and hungry, but +there was no danger to him, because he was a good sprinter, and +could outrun a jack rabbit. The giant wanted to go back to the +house, 'cause he said he didn't want to run no foot race with +hounds, and he had seen the sign to beware of the dogs. I never +ought to have done it, 'cause the fat woman looks as though she +was built a purpose for apoplexy, but I told her as a friend, not +to load herself down with nuts, but to travel light, so if the +wild dogs came down to raid the plantation she could crawl in a +hole out of sight till the dogs had eaten some of the men. She +came near fainting right there, before the dogs got busy.</p> +<p>There were about 20 negroes throwing clubs at the nuts, and +everybody was having a big time. The trapeze performers were +squirreling up among the limbs, when suddenly, in the distance +came the bay of the pack of bloodhounds, and every negro turned +pale, and got ready to climb a tree. The planter stopped to +listen, and when one of the managers of the show asked him what +was the matter, he said: "You can search me, sah. If that is my +pack of hounds a crime has been committed, and the sheriff has +started the pack on the trail of the criminal, sah, because the +dogs are never turned loose, except for business."</p> +<p>Then the planter yelled to the niggers, and said: "If any of +youall are guilty of crime, you best get scarce, or pick out your +tree, and get up it mighty sudden, 'cause the hounds haven't been +fed lately." Every colored man picked a tree, and the hounds kept +coming, finally showing up jumping the fence, and entering the +woods, and the planter cut a club to beat off the dogs. Pa looked +as innocent as John Wanamaker's picture addressing a Sunday +school, the giant saw the dogs and started for a tall tree, and +the fat lady said she couldn't find any hole big enough to hide +in, and "the idea," if there were not men enough to protect a +lady.</p> +<p>Well, I never expected to see anything so fine as the way +those hounds run with their noses to the ground, scattered in +three packs one pack on the trail of each of the three whose +shoes I had doctored. When they got near us they broke up and +went around everywhere that pa and the giant and the fat lady had +walked, and fell over each other, but finally one pack went to +the tall tree where the giant had climbed to the first limb, and +stood on their hind legs and barked a salute to him. He trembled +so I was afraid he would fall off, but he wound his arms and legs +around the tree, and began to cry. The planter told him whatever +crime he had committed it was all up with him.</p> +<p>The part of the pack that was on pa's trail began to close in +on pa, and I said: "Pa, if you don't want to be dog meat, it is +up to you to climb, and you better get a move on, or I shall be +an orphan mighty quick, 'cause the dogs are starving." Pa made a +couple of quick jumps, and grabbed a limb of a hickory tree, and +was pulling himself up and repeating prayers, when the leading +dog reached up his nose and smelled pa's shoes, when the +intelligent animal gave a bark and a yell to the other dogs, as +much as to say: "That's the identical cuss. Eat him alive."</p> +<p>He grabbed about a double handful of the cloth of pa's clothes +right below where his suspenders button on and held on, and shook +pa real hard, but the cloth was tough and didn't tear. Pa +suddenly seemed to be endowed with superhuman strength, for he +drew himself up on the limb and raised the dog from the ground, +and all the pack came around the tree and set up a howl that +scared pa so the perspiration rolled off him, and he had a chill +so he shook like the ague.</p> +<p>Pa yelled to the planter, who was holding up the fat lady and +said: "Here, Mr. Confederate, I am not a union prisoner, and I +want you to unlock your dog's jaws, and free me, 'cause I can't +hold up a 90-pound dog by my suspenders much longer. If this is +southern hospitality, I don't want to be entertained no more." +The planter leaned the fat lady against a tree, and took the dog +by the hind legs and pulled him off.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="427"><img alt="232.gif" src= +"Pictures/232.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#428">"Here, Mr. Confederate, I Am +Not a Union Prisoner."</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The planter yelled to the negroes to come down and help handle +the dogs, but just then the boy who started the dogs on the +trail, at my request, came up whistling, with a dog whip in his +hand, and all the dogs surrounded him, and he made them lay down +and roll over. All of the scared people came down from their +perches in the trees, and surrounded the boy and the dogs, and +the dogs panted and lolled, as though they had been having a nice +run for their money. The old planter asked his boy how the dogs +had happened to get loose, and that fool boy told the whole +thing, how I had asked him to let the pack run, and how I had put +anise seed in the shoes of pa, the giant and the fat lady. Then +you ought to have seen what they did to me. The planter said they +usually had a lynching when the dogs made a run, but that was +impossible in this case, so he suggested that they make me run +the gauntlet. I didn't know what running the gauntlet was, but +after pa had told me he should disown me from that moment, I said +I was willing to run any gauntlet, so they all cut switches and +formed in two lines, and let me run down between them. I thought +it would be fun, but when I started and every last man gave me a +cut across the end of my back with a hickory switch, I yelled +murder, and run between the giant's legs and tackled him like +football I toppled him over against the next man, and that man +hit the giant in the stomach, and everybody began to fight, and +the festivities broke up.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="425"><img alt="234.gif" src= +"Pictures/234.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#426">I Yelled Murder and Ran +Between the Giant's Legs.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I went to the house with the boy and the dogs, and we set the +dogs on a mess of cats, and treed everything alive on the +plantation. Finally the whole crowd came back to the house and +had another lunch, with mint julep and champagne, and then +everybody was hugging some one, and crying on each other's neck, +and swearing that the war was over, and that the north and the +south were one and inseparable, and the two together could whip +the whole world.</p> +<p>Pa somehow saw double. I was standing alone, smarting from the +switching I got, when pa came up to me and said: "I want you two +boys to understand that I don't want any more experiments played +on me. I can take a joke us well as anybody, but when you set a +hundred dogs on my trail, I am no gentlemen, see? Now we will go +back to the show."</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XX."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XX.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy Goes After a Mess of White Turnips +for the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Menagerie--He Feeds the Animals Horseradish, but +Gets the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Worst of the Deal.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>You can learn something new and interesting every day in a +circus, and a boy, particularly, can store his mind with useful +knowledge, that will be valuable to him in after years.</p> +<p>Gee, but I have learned some things that I could never have +learned in college, 'cause at college you only learn things that +have to be verified by actual experience in business. Pa says one +year in the circus will be better for me than ten years in a +reform school. But I learned something yesterday that made such +an impression on me that I will not be able to sit down +comfortably before the season is over.</p> +<p>You see, it was this way. Once a week it is the custom to feed +all the animals that are vegetarians a mess of ground white +turnips, 'cause it opens up the pores, and makes the animals feel +good, like a politician who goes to French Lick springs, and has +the whisky boiled out of him. After the animals have eaten the +turnip mush, they become agreeable, and will rub against the +keepers, and eat out of your hand.</p> +<p>I had been with pa a dozen times to find a place where we +could get a few barrels of turnips ground up fine, and so +yesterday, when the boss animal keeper was sick, and turned his +job over to pa, pa told me to go out in town, at Lynchburg, Va., +and get a couple of washtubs full of ground turnips, and have the +stuff sent in to the menagerie tent in time for the afternoon +performance. I got a boy to go with me. We hunted all the +groceries and couldn't find turnips enough to make a first +payment, but we found a place where they grate horseradish and +bottle it for the market, and I ordered two washtubs full of +horseradish grated nicely, and sent to the tent, but I made the +man bill it as ground turnips.</p> +<p>The boy and I played all the forenoon, and when the man +started with the ground horseradish for the tent, we went along, +and I introduced the man to pa, and pa O. K.'d the bill, and sent +him to the treasurer after the money. I was going to get on a +back seat and watch the animals eat, but pa said: "Here, you +boys, get out those pans and portion out the turnips and pass 'em +around just as the crowd comes in, 'cause after the animals have +had a mess of cut feed they are better natured, and show off +better."</p> +<p>I was pretty leery about feeding the animals horseradish, and +would have preferred to have some one else do it, who did not +care to live any longer, but I said: "Yes, sir," just like that, +and touched my hat to pa, and he said to the boss canvasman: +"There's a boy you can swear by."</p> +<p>The boss canvasman said: "You are right, old man, but if he +was mine, I would kill him so quick it would make your head +swim," and he and pa went off laughing, but I think they laughed +too soon.</p> +<p>Well, we took a spud and put about a quart of horseradish in +each pan, and put the pans in front of each animal, and you ought +to have seen them rush for the supposed turnips, like a drove of +cattle after salt.</p> +<p>The boy and I got up on the platform with the freaks, to be in +a safe place, and watch the animals, and see how they digested +their food. The first animal to open up the chorus was the +hippopotamus, 'cause we gave him about four quarts of horseradish +on account of his mouth, and he swallowed it at one mouthful. +First he looked as though he felt hurt, and stopped chewing, and +seemed to be thinking, like a horse that wakes up in the night +with colic, and raises the whole family to sit up with him all +night and pour things down his neck out of a long-neck bottle. +The hippo held his breath for about a minute, and then he opened +his mouth so you could drive a wagon in, and gave the grand +hailing sign of distress, and said: "Wow, wow, wow," as plain as +a man could. Then he rolled over into his tank and yelled +"murder," and wallowed around, and stood on his head, till one of +the keepers went in the cage to try to soothe him. He chased the +keeper out, and the crowd that had just begun to come in fell +back in terror.</p> +<p>There was quite a crowd around the camels watching them +peacefully chew their cuds, as they do at evening on the dessert, +and the Arabs who had charge of the camels were standing around, +posing as though they were the whole thing, when the old black, +double-hump camel got his quart of horseradish down into one of +his stomachs, as he was kneeling down on all fours. He yelled: +"O, mamma," and got up on all his feet, and kicked an Arab off a +prayer rug, and bellowed and groaned. Then the rest of the herd +of camels seemed to have swallowed their dose, and they made Rome +howl. This scared the people over to where the sacred cattle were +trying to set a pious example to the rest of the animals by their +meek and lowly conduct.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="423"><img alt="240.gif" src= +"Pictures/240.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#424">The Camel Kicked an Arab Off +a Rug.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The sacred cow got her horseradish first, and I could see she +was trying to hold it without giving the snap away, till her +husband, the bull, got his. Well, it was pitiful, and I made up +my mind I would never play a joke on the sacred cattle again, +'cause it seems like sacrilege. The bull finally got his +horseradish down, and he was the most astonished animal I ever +saw. He swelled up, and then bellowed until the cow looked as +though she would sink through the ground, saying; "Excuse me, +dear, but I am not to blame, because I, too, have a hot box." The +bull acted just as human as could be, 'cause he looked mad at +her, and was going to gore her to death, when pa and some of the +hands came up and hit him with a tent stake, and swore at him, +and he quit fighting his wife, just like a man. Pa wanted to know +what in thunder was the matter with the animals, and wanted to +know if I had fed them the turnips, and I told him they had all +been fed, and just then the giraffe, whose neck was so long the +horseradish did not reach a vital spot as quick as it did with +the hippo, began to yell for the police and dance around. Finally +he stood on his head and neck, with his heels against a cage, and +coughed like he had caught pneumonia. Pa said to the boss +canvasman: "Well, what do you think of that?"</p> +<p>The zebras had their inning next, and after they had swallowed +their rations of horseradish, they never said a word, but began +to run around like dancing the lancers, and when they got to +going it looked like a kaleidoscope, and the six zebras looked +like a million. Pa said: "I never saw such a sight since I used +to drink, but I have either got the jim-jams, or something awful +has happened to this menagerie."</p> +<p>The educated hog got a double dose, and he squealed and +couldn't pick out the right card, and then the llamas got busy on +their portion of horseradish, and they cried in Spanish, and +stood on their hind legs and shed tears. Pa got so rattled he +looked ten years older than he did when the afternoon performance +opened. The manager of the big show came in to know why the +elephants had not been sent into the dressing-room, to be got +ready for the grand entree. Just then the elephants began to eat +their horseradish, and when they were driven into the big tent +they were complaining about something being wrong inside of them, +and as they came by the lemonade stand they seemed to be yelling +"Fire!" Then they all stopped at the stand and began to drink the +lemonade out of the barrels, which seemed to put out the +fire.</p> +<p>The animals quieted down a little, and pa went into the big +tent to consult the manager, and I thought it was a shame that +the lions and hyenas and tigers couldn't have any fun, so I went +to the table where the meat was laid out ready to feed them, and +cut a hole in each piece of meat and put in a double handful of +horseradish, and just then the feeder came along and began to +throw the meat in the cages. Gee, but those carnivorous animals +are bad enough even if you give them nice boiled sirloin steak, +and they fight enough over it, at any time, but when they began +to chew and tear the meat, and get horseradish hot from the +griddle, they didn't do a thing. The audience thought the animals +would kill everybody. The big lion got his meat down, but it +didn't set well, and he turned a somersault, and snarled, and +pulled the bars of the cage, while the grizzly bear rolled up in +a ball and rolled over in his cage till the men had to hold on to +the wheels to keep the shebang from going over. The hyenas, who +are always mad, went on a tear that could be heard in all the +tents.</p> +<p>Pa and the managers came back into the menagerie tent with the +animal keeper, who had been sent for, and they began to try to +find out what ailed the animals, and the animal keeper asked what +pa had been feeding them, and pa said he had given them their +ground turnips.</p> +<p>"Turnips, indeed," said the keeper, as he took up some of the +turnip and tasted of it, and he handed a handful to pa. Pa tasted +it, and pa had a hot box, and the managers tasted of it, and they +said: "No wonder." Then they asked pa where he got it, and pa +said he sent me to order it, and then they all said: "That +settles it."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="421"><img alt="244.gif" src= +"Pictures/244.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#422">Pa Tasted of +It.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I thought I would go 'way and jump in the river, but pa said: +"Hennery, come here, my angel," and he spit on his hands and +picked up a barrel stave. I went right up to pa, as innocent as +could be, just as any dutiful son should, and right there before +the animals and freaks pa-well, that's the reason I am not +sitting down very much these days. So long.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXI."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXI.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Bad Boy and His Pa Inject a Little Politics +Into the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Show--Rival Bands of Atlanta Citizens Meet in +the Circus</span><br> + <span class="c2">Tent--A Bunch of Angry Hornets Causes Much +Bitter Feeling.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>I expect that next year I shall be one of the managers of this +show, 'cause they tell me I have got the greatest head of any boy +that has ever traveled with the show.</p> +<p>We haven't been having a very big business in the south, +because the negroes haven't money enough to patronize shows, and +a lot of the white people are either too high-toned or else they +are politicians and want a pass. The managers and heads of +departments held a meeting to devise some way to get both classes +interested, and everybody was asked to state their views. After +they all got through talking pa asked me what I thought would be +the best way to get the people excited about the show, and I told +him there was no way except to inject a little politics into it. +I said if they would give me $50 or so, to buy Chinese lanterns, +and about a hundred complimentary tickets to give away, pa and I +could go to Atlanta a couple of days ahead of the show and we +could organize a Roosevelt club among the negroes, and a Bryan +club among the white fellows, and at the evening performance we +could have the two clubs march into the main tent, one from the +main entrance, and one from the dressing room, with Chinese +lanterns, and one could yell for Roosevelt and the other for +Bryan, and advertise that a great sensation would be sprung at +the evening performance. I said the tent wouldn't begin to hold +the people.</p> +<p>Every one of the managers and heads of departments said it +would be great stuff. Pa was the only one that kicked. He said +the two processions might get into a fight, but I said what if +they did, we wouldn't be to blame. Let 'em fight if they want to, +and we can see fair play.</p> +<p>So they all agreed that pa and I should go to Atlanta ahead, +and organize the political processions, and, say, we had such a +time that the circus came near never getting out of the town +alive. We overdid the thing, so they wanted to lynch me, and pa +wanted to help.</p> +<p>The way it was was this way: Pa was to organize the white men +for Bryan, and I was to organize the negroes for Roosevelt, and +we went to work and bought 600 Chinese lanterns, and pa stored +his half of the lanterns in a barn on the circus lot and I stored +mine in another barn owned by a negro that I gave five dollars to +be my assistant, with a promise that he should have a job +traveling with the show, to milk the sacred cow. I told this +negro what the program was, and that I wanted 200 negroes who had +an ambition to be politicians, and hold office, and I would not +only pass them into the show free, but see that they got a +permanent office. What we had got to do, I said, was to stampede +the white procession, that would be led by pa, and the way to do +it was for every negro in my party to skirmish around in the +woods and find a hornet's nest, and bring it to our barn, and fit +it into one of the Chinese lanterns, and fix a candle on top of +the nest, while the hornets were asleep. Then when we met the +Bryan procession we were to shout and wave our lanterns, and if +necessary to whack the white men over the head with the lantern +with the hornets' nest, and the hornets would wake up and do the +rest.</p> +<p>The negro wanted to know how I could prevent the hornets from +stinging our own men, and I told him that we had been in the +hornet business all the season and never had one of our own men +stung. I said we took some assafoetida and rubbed it on our +clothes and faces, and the hornets wouldn't touch us, but just +went for the other fellows to beat the band. Say, negroes are +easy marks. You can make them believe anything. But if I ever get +to be president I am going to appoint my negro assistant to a +position in my cabinet, 'cause he is the greatest political +organizer I ever saw. He rounded up over 200 cotton pickers and +negro men who work in the freight depots once in a while and +started them out after hornets' nests. He gave them some change +to get a drink, and promised them free passes into the show next +night, and the next morning they showed up with hornets' nests +enough to scare you. They put them in a dark place in the barn, +so the hornets wouldn't get curious and want to come out of the +nests before they got their cue.</p> +<p>That afternoon we fitted them into the Chinese lanterns, and +tied sticks on the lanterns and fixed the candles, and when night +came there were more negroes than I could use, But I told them to +follow along, and the door tender would let them in, and all they +need to do was to yell for Teddy when I did, and so we marched to +the main tent about the time the performance got to going. I saw +pa with his gang of white men go into the dressing room at about +the same time. The manager had timed it for us to come in about +8:30, into the main tent, when the elephants were in their +pyramid act, so my crowd of negroes stopped in the menagerie tent +half an hour waiting to be called.</p> +<p>I wish I wasn't so confounded curious, but I suppose I was +born that way. I took one of the Chinese lanterns that was not +lighted and just thought I would like to see what the hyenas and +the big lion, who were in the same cage, with an iron partition +between them, would do if a Chinese lantern was put in the cage, +so I got the fellow that watches the cage to open up the top trap +door, and I dropped a Chinese lantern with a hornets' nest in it +right between the two hyenas. Gee, but you ought to have seen +them pounce on it, and bite it and tear it up, and then the +hornets woke up, and they didn't do a thing to that mess of +hyenas. The hyenas set up a grand hailing sign of distress, and +howled pitiful, and the lion raised up his head and looked at +them through the bars as though he was saying, in a snarling way, +"What you grave robbers howling about? Can't you keep still and +let the czar of all the animals enjoy his after dinner nap?"</p> +<p>Just then the hyenas kicked what was left of the hornets' nest +under the bars into his side of the cage, and he put his foot on +it and growled, and about a hundred hornets gave him his. He gave +an Abyssinian cough that woke all the animals, and then the +hornets scattered and before I knew it the zebras were dancing a +snake dance and all of them were howling as though they were in +the ark, hungry, and the ark had landed on Mount Ararat.</p> +<p>Just then one of the assistant managers beckoned to me to lead +in my procession and we lighted the candles in our Chinese +lanterns. I didn't stop to see how the animals got along with the +hornets, but I couldn't help thinking that if one hornets' nest +could raise such a row, what would a hundred or so do when we got +to going in the other tent?</p> +<p>Oh, if I had only died when I was young, I never would have +witnessed that sight. The band played, "There'll be a Hot Time in +the Old Town To-night," and pa's crowd of white trash marched +around the big outside ring shouting, "Bryan! Bryan! What's the +matter with Bryan!" and the audience got up on its hind legs and +yelled-that is the white folks did-and then we marched around the +other way, and yelled, "Teddy is the stuff! Teddy is the stuff!" +and the negroes in the audience yelled. Then my crowd met pa's +crowd right by the middle ring, where the elephants had formed +the pyramid that closes their act, and the Japanese jugglers were +in the right-hand ring, and a party of female tumblers, with +low-necked stockings, were standing at attention in the left-hand +ring.</p> +<p>There was no intention of having a riot, but when pa yelled, +"What's the matter with Bryan?" a negro in my crowd yelled, +"That's what's the matter with Bryan," and he hit pa over the +head with his Chinese lantern, loaded with a warm hornets' nest +as big as a football, which had taken fire from the candle. Pa +dropped his lantern and began to fight hornets, and then all the +white trash in pa's bunch rushed up and began to whack my poor +downtrodden negroes with their Chinese lanterns. Of course, my +fellows couldn't stand still and be mauled, and the candles had +warmed our hornets' nests so the hornets were crawling out to see +what was the trouble. Then every negro whacked a white man with a +hornets' nest and the audience fairly went wild with +excitement.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="419"><img alt="254.gif" src= +"Pictures/254.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#420">He Hit Pa Over the Head with +His Chinese Lanterns.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The hornets got busy and went for the elephants and the +Japanese jugglers, and they stampeded like they never met a +hornet before.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="417"><img alt="256.gif" src= +"Pictures/256.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#418">They Stampeded Like They +Never Met a Hornet Before.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>The female tumblers found hornets on their stockings, and +everywhere, and they gave a female war whoop and rushed for the +dressing room. The elephants got stung and they came down off +their pyramid and went out to the menagerie tent trumpeting, and +switching their trunks. The negroes and the white politicians +were getting into a race war, so the circus hands rushed in and +separated them, and my negroes found that the fetty I had them +rub on themselves did not keep the hornets from stinging them, so +they stampeded.</p> +<p>Then the hornets began to go for the audience, and the women +yelled murder and pulled down their dresses to cover their shoes, +and the men got stung and the whole audience stampeded into the +open air.</p> +<p>Then I met pa, and he was a sight, and I never got stung once. +The managers tried to get the band to play some tune that would +soothe and hold the audience till an explanation could be made, +but somebody had thrown a hornets' nest under the band seats and +the horn players got stung on the lips so they couldn't play, and +the band all lit out for a beer garden. Before I realized it the +show was over, and a detective that detects for the show had me +collared and brought me up before a meeting of the managers. Pa +was the prosecuting attorney, and told them that I didn't run my +politics fair, 'cause I had brought in a lot of ringers. The +managers asked me how the hornets' nests came to be in the +Chinese lanterns. I told them they would have to ask the negroes +for how was I to know what weapons they had concealed about their +persons, any more than pa was responsible if his politicians +carried revolvers.</p> +<p>They said that looked reasonable, but they believed I knew +more about it than anybody, but as we had to pack up the show and +make the next town they wouldn't lynch me till the next day. Pa +got me to put cold cream on his stings, and then he said, +"Hennery, you are the limit."</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Show Does Poor Business in the South--Pa Side +Tracks a</span><br> + <span class="c2">Circus Car Filled with Creditors--A Performance +Given "For</span><br> + <span class="c2">the Poor," Fills the Treasury--A Wild West Man +Buncoes the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Show.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Gee, but this show has been up against it the last week. We +haven't made a paying stand anywhere. The show business is all +right when you have to turn people away, or let them in on +standing room. Then you can snap your fingers at fate, and drink +foolish water out of four-dollar bottles of fizz that has the +cork trained so it will pop out clear to the top of the tent, and +make a noise that makes you think you own the earth, but when you +strike the southern country where the white men have not sold +their cotton and the negroes have not been paid for picking it, +the audience looks like a political caucus in an off year, when +there is nobody with money enough to stimulate the voters. When +the audiences are small, and half the people in attendance get in +on bill-sticker's passes, and you can't pay the help regularly, +but have to stand them off with promises, you are liable to have +a strike any minute. The people you owe for hotel bills, and +horse feed, and supplies, follow you from one town to another, +threatening to attach the ticket wagon and levy on the animals. +It takes diplomacy and unadulterated gall to run a show.</p> +<p>We are playing now to get back into the northern states, but +we have to leave an animal of some kind in the hands of a sheriff +every day, which has been all right so far, 'cause we have +steered the sheriffs on to elephants that have corns so they are +no good except to eat, one zebra that was made up by a painter, +who painted stripes on a white mule, and one lion that was so old +he will never sell at forced sale for enough to pay for the beef +tea the sheriff will have to feed him.</p> +<p>When creditors in a town get too mad and threaten to attach +things, we invite them to go along with us for a few days, and +get their money when we strike a paying stand, and we agree to +furnish them a Pullman car and all they can eat. That is rather +tempting to country people, so we had a full car load of +creditors with us for a week, and we gave them plenty to drink, +so they had the time of their lives, but they didn't get their +money. After going with us all through Georgia, they held an +indignation meeting in the car, and between high balls and cheese +sandwiches they got sleepy, and we side tracked their car in the +woods at a station in Mississippi, where there was a post office, +saw mill and a cotton gin. I guess they are there yet unless Mr. +Pullman's lost car experts have found the car and driven them out +with fire extinguishers.</p> +<p>Pa came pretty near being left in that car with the creditors +in Mississippi. He was helping to entertain the guests, and +jollying them up to believe they would get their money when we +got to Memphis the next day, when he noticed the car had been +sidetracked, and he knew that was the way we were going to +dispose of the creditors. He thought some one would tell him when +to get off, but he was sitting up with a landlady from some place +in Georgia that we owed a lot of money for feeding the freaks, +and she was threatening that if she didn't get her money she +would have the heart's blood of some one. So pa was afraid to +leave for fear she would stab him.</p> +<p>But when the car stopped on the siding, pa took off his coat +and hat and yawned, and said he guessed he would turn in, and she +let him go to his berth, and he got out on the platform, and just +then the second section of our train came along, and stopped for +water, and pa crawled into an animal car and laid down in the +straw with the sacred cow. She bellowed all night 'cause the +sacred bull, her husband, had been attached for debt at +Vicksburg, but when pa got in the car in his shirt sleeves and +humped his shoulders up on account of the cold, the cow thought +maybe she had been unnecessarily alarmed, and maybe pa was her +husband.</p> +<p>So she quit bellowing, and laid down and chewed her cud till +daylight. Then when she saw that pa was another person she got +mad and chased him up into the rafters of the car, and he had to +ride there until the train got to Memphis. The hands rescued pa, +but he got away from the creditors all right.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="415"><img alt="262.gif" src= +"Pictures/262.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#416">The Sacred Cow Chased Pa<br> + Up Into the Rafters of the Car.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>We made a new lot of creditors at Memphis, and they proposed +to go along with us, but we shook them off.</p> +<p>Gee, but we made a killing in Memphis, and don't you forget +it. We had handbills on all the wagons in the parade, telling the +people that the proceeds of the afternoon and evening performance +would be given to deserving persons, in charity, and the +intention was to use the money to pay off the hands. My, but how +the people turned out. The tents were all full, and we had more +money than we have had in a month before, and after the +performance at night the mayor and some prominent citizens waited +on the management and asked when and where we were going to +distribute the money to the deserving persons.</p> +<p>The managers appointed pa to stand off the committee. Pa said +he had noticed, in walking about the city, a beautiful park in +the center of the town, and he told the committee that his idea +was to have the deserving people gather at the park the next +morning, which was Sunday, and wait there until the managers of +the show could count the money, and prepare to distribute it, +honestly and impartially, with the advice of the local committee. +That seemed all right, and the committee notified the citizens to +meet in the park at nine o'clock the next morning, and receive +the money the citizens had so kindly contributed to such a noble +cause, and they went away.</p> +<p>Our show has got out of a good many tight places, but we never +got out of a town so quietly and unostentatiously as we got out +of Memphis during that early Sunday morning. There was not noise +enough made getting our stuff to the train to wake up a +policeman, and before daylight the different sections of the +train had crossed the big bridge into Arkansas, and were on the +way to the Indian Territory. Pa and the other managers were on +the platform of the last car of the last section, as it pulled +out across the river, at daylight, and even that early it seemed +as though the whole colored population of Memphis was on the way +to the park, to secure good positions, so they could receive +their share of the money. As the train got to the middle of the +river, and safe into Arkansas, the whole management breathed a +sigh of relief. The boss canvasman said: "It is like getting +money from home," and pa said: "It is like taking money from the +tin cup of a blind organ grinder," and the treasurer of the show +said, as he put the day's receipts in the safe in the business +car: "It looks good to me." Then they all turned in to sleep the +happy hours away, that beautiful Sunday on the way to Indian +Territory and Oklahoma.</p> +<p>Well, sir, you can never make me believe that money obtained +dishonestly will stay by a person, or do him any good, and that +was demonstrated in the case of our show the next day. We got +acquainted with an old showman who was out of luck, who used to +run a wild west show, but got busted up, and as he didn't care +where he went, we took him with us on the train, and all day +Sunday he talked about his show experiences, and finally he said +if we had any horses with our show that could run races, we could +make a barrel of money at Guthrie, where we were to make our next +stand. He said the Indians and half breeds all had Indian ponies +that they thought could beat any horses that ever wore shoes, and +that they would bet every cent they had on their ponies, and as +they had just been paid their annuities by the government, they +had money in bales, and we could get it all, if we had horses +that were any good, and money to back them. His idea was to give +out that owing to some accident we could not give an afternoon +performance, and just get out the horses and bet the Indians to a +standstill, and win all their money, and give a free evening show +as a sort of consolation to the Indians.</p> +<p>Well, it looked good to pa, and he talked to the other +managers, and the result was when we got to Guthrie we had made +up our minds that as money was what we were after, the easiest +way was to get it by racing our horses.</p> +<p>So when we got settled in Guthrie, and got the tent up, we +announced that part of the show was in a wreck down the road in +Arkansas, and we should have to abandon the afternoon +performance, but in the meantime there would be a little horse +racing on the side, if anybody in Oklahoma had any horses they +thought could run some.</p> +<p>Well, I thought there were Indians and ponies and squaws +enough before the announcement was made, but in less than two +hours more than a thousand ponies were being brought in, and we +got our chariot racers, and our bareback hippodrome horses, and +they were being led around and admired, and we all laughed at the +little runts of Indian ponies, and the Indians got mad and backed +their ponies.</p> +<p>Pretty soon the races began in the vacant lot just outside the +town. The old showman we had brought up from Memphis was made +master of ceremonies, 'cause he could talk Choctaw, and Comanche, +and other Indian jargon, and things got busy. The Indians +wouldn't run their ponies more than an eighth of a mile, or a +quarter, and we consented, because the poor little things didn't +look as though they could run a block, they were so thin, and +sleepy. Pa was afraid the humane society would have us arrested +for cruelty to animals. All our fellows were provided with money, +and they flashed rolls of bills in the faces of the Indians, and +finally Mr. Indian would reach down under his clothes and pull +out a roll, and wet his thumb and peel off big bills, and before +we knew it we were investing a fortune in the racing game. Then +the racing began, and the horses were sent off at the drop of a +hat, or the firing of a pistol.</p> +<p>I was given some money to bet with the little Indians, 'cause +pa said we wanted to get every dollar in the tribe, for if we +didn't get it the Indians would spend it for fire water. The +first race was between one of our best runners and a sleepy +little spotted pony, and when the hat was dropped the pony made a +few jumps and was off like a rabbit, and our horse couldn't see +him for the dust, and our horse was distanced. The next race +resulted the same, and all day long we never won a race, and the +Indians took our money and put it in their pants and never +smiled. The old showman we had befriended seemed crushed.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="413"><img alt="270.gif" src= +"Pictures/270.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#414">The Pony Was Off Like a +Rabbit.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>When our money was nearly all gone to the confounded Indians, +and the sun was going down, he went up to pa and said: "Uncle, +what does this all mean? I thought your horses could run."</p> +<p>Pa said: "Damfino, I never was no horse racer, nohow."</p> +<p>When our money was all gone, and our horses were nearly dead +from fatigue, the managers all got together in the big tent for a +consultation on finances, and it was the saddest sight I ever +saw. Pa tried to be cheerful, and he said: "Well, we will give +the evening performance, and when the Indians are all in the tent +we can turn out the lights and turn the boys loose on them, and +maybe they will find some of the money in their breech +clouts."</p> +<p>"You don't mean to rob them, do you?" said the boss canvasman, +and pa said: "No, no; far from it. We will borrow it of them. It +is no harm to borrow from an Indian."</p> +<p>Just then the treasurer came in with an empty tin box he had +carried the money out in, and he said there would be no use of +having an evening performance, 'cause the Indians had taken their +ponies and squaws and money and gone towards the setting sun, and +pa said: "Where is that old showman?" and the treasurer said: "He +has gone with them. He is their legal adviser, and went down to +Memphis to rope us into the game."</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXIII."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXIII.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Circus Has Bad Luck in Indian Territory--A +Herd of</span><br> + <span class="c2">Animals Turned Out to Graze Is Stampeded by +Indians--They Go</span><br> + <span class="c2">Dashing Over the Plains, and the Circus Tent +Follows, Picked</span><br> + <span class="c2">Up by a Cyclone. No more horse racing for this +circus.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>The managers held a meeting at Guthrie, Okla., after we had +lost our money horse racing with the Indians, and pa said the +consensus of opinion was that we better stick to the legitimate +show business, and not try to work in any side lines. Pa says he +made a speech at the managers' meeting, in which he showed that +the business man who attended strictly to the business which he +knew all about, would make money, while the man who knew about +dry goods, but worked in a millinery store or a stock of tinware, +got it in the neck. He would either get stuck on the head +milliner, or buy a stock of tinware that would not hold +water.</p> +<p>So a resolution was passed to the effect that hereafter no +temptation could be great enough to get our show to go into +anything outside of the business, no matter how good it looked as +a get-rich-quick affair. So we gathered up our show and played a +whole week in Oklahoma, and had full houses all the time, and +made money enough to redeem our animals that had been attached by +creditors. We have paid up our debts, and we got out of Oklahoma +with flying colors.</p> +<p>If we had gone right on to Kansas we would have shown sense, +but some cowboys from the Indian Territory told pa and the other +managers that if we would take the show to the Indian Territory +we couldn't get cars enough to haul the money away, as the +Indians had got round-shouldered and bow-legged carrying the +money they had made grazing cattle, and the territory was full of +cowboys that had money to burn, and they hadn't seen a circus +since the war.</p> +<p>Well, it seemed a shame to go by the Indian Territory, and +allow those poor Indians to break their backs carrying money +around, and so we sent a carload of bill pasters into the +territory and billed towns that would hold us about a week, and +we figured that we would clean up enough money to last us all a +life-time. I wish I didn't have to write about the result, 'cause +we are broke up so we can't look pleasant to have our pictures +taken.</p> +<p>It was a bright, beautiful Sunday morning that we arrived at +Muskoka, and soon after daylight we had our tents pitched. As we +had all day Sunday to rest, pa suggested that it would be a good +idea to take all our animals that eat grass out on the grazing +ground on the edge of the town and let them fill up on the nice +blue grass that was knee-high all over the country. So after +breakfast we detailed men to take charge of the different +animals, and herd them out in the tall grass. It was a beautiful +sight to see those rare animals, gathered from all over the +world, eating grass together, in perfect peace, in this new +country. The animals that we thought would stand without +hitching, like the elephants, were cared for by their attendants, +but the animals that might wander from their own fireside, were +picketed out, or held by long ropes, the deer, the buffalo, the +zebras, the sacred cattle, the elk, the yaks, the camels and that +kind, were tied with long lariats, and held by the men detailed +by the managers. For a couple of hours the animals just gorged +themselves, after they had kicked up their heels a spell and +rolled in the grass. Then one of the elephants got up on his hind +feet and held up two toes, like boys in school hold up two +fingers when they want to go in swimming, and the elephant +started for a creek and went in the water, and the whole herd +followed, and they spattered each other, and ducked and rolled +around just like school boys. The whole population of the town, +whites and Indians, came to the bank of the river to watch the +fun.</p> +<p>Pa was holding his elk by a rope and one of the managers had a +rope around the neck of a giraffe: the treasurer and the ticket +taker was leading the zebras, and everybody was busy with some +kind of animal, and I had a rope around an antelope, and some of +our men on horseback were herding the buffaloes. It didn't seem +as though anything wrong could happen. The elephants wouldn't +come out of the creek, so the boss canvasman went over to where +there were about 500 cowboys and Indians on horseback, and asked +them to ride into the creek and drive the elephants out where the +rest of the animals were, on the prairie.</p> +<p>Gee, but that was the greatest mistake he could have made. The +men on horseback didn't want any better fun, so they made a +charge, in line of battle, just like Sheridan's cavalry, down the +bank, into the creek, yelling and waving lariat ropes, and +snapping whips and the elephants got out of that creek in a +hurry. The cowboys threw lassoes over the hind feet of the +elephants, and tried to hold them, and the elephants bellowed, +and dragged the cowboys and their ponies right amongst the other +animals, and in about a minute, as the boss canvasman said when +he came to, and they were picking the cactus thorns out of him: +"Hell was just plumb out for noon."</p> +<p>The buffaloes smelled the Indians, and they started to +stampede, like they used to do when they lived on the plains, and +all the animals followed, dragging the men who had hold of their +ropes, and away we all went over a rise of ground, the zebras in +the lead and the elephants fetching up the rear, the cowboys and +Indians behind, yelling and ki-i-ing, and more than 500 Indian +dogs barking.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="409"><img alt="278.gif" src= +"Pictures/278.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#410">Dad Was Only Hitting the +High Places.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Well, pa was the foolishest man in the lot, 'cause he had tied +the lariat rope that he held his elk by, around his belt, and +when the elk went over the hill pa was only hitting the high +places, and he was yelling for me to head off his elk. But I was +busy trying to keep up with my antelope, which was scared worse +than any animal in the race. When the antelope and I overtook the +boss canvasman, who was digging his heels into the ground trying +to hold his zebra, I thought it was a good time to say something +pleasant, so I said: "This is a lovely country we are passing +through," but I never heard his reply, 'cause just then the zebra +jumped over a big cactus and the boss canvasman went into it, and +stayed there, yelling for a piece of ice, while the zebras that +were dragging the treasurer and the ticket taker passed us. I +yelled to the treasurer and told him I should have to have my +salary raised if I was expected to keep up with my antelope, but +he told me where to go to get an increase of salary, some place +in Arkansas--maybe Hot Springs.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="411"><img alt="276.gif" src= +"Pictures/276.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#412">The Boss Canvasman Went Into +a Cactus.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Then my antelope heard the Indians and cowboys coming behind, +and he got his second wind, and I never did touch the ground no +more, and I must have looked like a buzzard sailing through the +air. When my antelope got up to where pa was trying to keep up +with his elk. I told pa he better let go his elk and get the +cowboys and Indians to ride around ahead of the stampede and head +them off.</p> +<p>Pa said he couldn't let go of his elk 'cause the rope was tied +to his belt, but for me to hit the ground somewhere ahead and let +go of that jack rabbit I was chasing, and tell the cowboys to +head off the stampede. So when I lit again I let go the rope, and +the antelope got ahead of everything, and I wished I had bet on +him.</p> +<p>When the cowboys and Indians got up to me I delivered the +message from pa, and they divided and went around the flanks of +the stampeders, and in another mile they headed them off in a +nice pasture, and kept riding around the animals so they couldn't +get away. They soon had the whole bunch under control, and we all +got together to see if anybody was hurt.</p> +<p>Well, pa was the worst sight of all If his belt had broke he +never would have lost his pants, 'cause more than a million +cactus thorns had gone through and pinned them on. We had to cut +them off, and pull out the thorns with pincers, one at a time, +and pa yelling murder for every thorn. The boss canvasman was in +the same fix, and everybody that tried to hold an animal was +pinned together with thorns, and they had gravel up their +trousers from sticking their heels into the soil.</p> +<p>Everybody was mad and they threatened to lynch pa when they +got back to the tent for suggesting letting the animals out to +graze. We started back to town, the cowboys and Indians driving +the animals, and the zebras and giraffes kicking up and acting as +though they had got out of school on account of the death of a +dear teacher, like schoolboys.</p> +<p>Before we got to town a wind came up so strong that we had to +walk edgewise to go against it, and finally we met the tent +coming out to meet us, 'cause a cyclone had taken it bodily and +was blowing it all over the prairie. And when we got to town the +animals in the cages, that can't eat grass, were having an +indignation meeting, and howling awful.</p> +<p>Pa was the first man to get back to the lot, and he asked me +what I thought he better do, and I told him he better get in the +porcupine cage, 'cause he looked, with the cactus thorns sticking +out of him, like the father of all porcupines. He said I thought +I was smart, and he asked me if I was hurt any, and I told him +all I could find was a stone bruise on my spine where I struck a +prairie dog house.</p> +<p>Well, we got the animals into a livery barn, and it took us +almost the whole week to have the tent hauled back and sewed +together, and we had to pay the cowboys and Indians more than the +animals were worth to bring them back, and let them into the show +free. The managers had a meeting and resolved to get out of the +Indian Territory and into Kansas just as quick as possible.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXIV."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXIV.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">Pa Is Sent to a Hospital to Recuperate--The Bad +Boy</span><br> + <span class="c2">Discourages Other Boys from Running Away with +the Circus--He</span><br> + <span class="c2">Makes Them Water the Camels, Curry the Hyenas +and Put Insect</span><br> + <span class="c2">Powder on the Buffaloes.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>This is the first time since we started out with the circus in +the spring that pa and I have not been two "Johnnies on the +spot," ready for anything that the managers told us to do. +Oklahoma, though, and the Indian Territory, have been too much +for pa, and they sent him on to Kansas City to recuperate in a +hospital for a week, while the show does Kansas to a finish, and +makes a triumphal entry into Missouri.</p> +<p>I wonder how the show will get along without us for a week, +'cause they sentenced me to go along with pa, so I could be handy +to hold his hands when the doctors are pulling cactus needles out +of his hide. I guess pa was willing enough to jump Kansas in the +night from what he told us once.</p> +<p>He said when he was a young man he and a railroad brakeman got +busted at Topeka, and they had an order book printed, and went +all over Kansas taking orders for Osier willows, which they +warranted to grow so high in two years they would make fences for +the farms that no animals or blizzards could get over or through, +and make shade for the houses and the whole farm. It was the year +when the Osier willow craze was on and every farmer on the plains +wanted to transform his prairie into a forest. Pa says the +farmers fought with each other to sign orders, and some paid in +advance, so as to get the willow cuttings in a hurry. Well, pa +and the railroad man canvassed Kansas, and sold more than forty +thousand millions of Osier willow cuttings, and put in the whole +winter. In the spring, when it was time to deliver the goods, +they went into the river bottoms and cut a whole lot of "pussy +willow" cuttings, delivered them to the farmers and got their +money, and went away. When the pussy willow cuttings died in +their tracks, or grew up just plain pussy willows that never got +high enough to hide a jack rabbit, the farmers of Kansas loaded +their guns and waited for pa and the brakeman to come back to +Kansas, but they never went back.</p> +<p>The brakeman became president of a great railroad, but when he +has to go across the continent in his special car, he dodges +Kansas, and goes across by the northern or southern route. Pa has +so far dodged the farmers, but money wouldn't have hired him to +stay with the circus and meet those farmers that they sold the +willow gold bricks to. And yet, when I bunco anybody around the +show, pa takes me one side and tells me that honesty is the best +policy, and to never lie, 'cause my character as a man will +depend on the start I make as a boy. He don't want me to go +through life regretting the past, and being afraid of the cars +for fear some act of my younger days will become known and queer +me. I guess pa knows how it is hisself.</p> +<p>Well, if there is one thing I am proud of, it is that I have +always been good. When I grow up to be a man, prosperous in +business, and belonging to a church, and married, and have +children growing up around me, I can put on an innocent face and +a bold front, and point to my past with pride, if I should go to +live among strangers, where nobody took the papers, and the +people were not on to me. Pa says as long as your conscience is +clear, and your pores open, life is one glad, sweet song. Well, I +don't know, but if pa's conscience is clear, he must have +strained it the way they do rain water, to get the wigglers out, +or else he has used an egg to settle his conscience, the way they +settle coffee. If his pores are open, he has opened them in the +old way, with a corkscrew. But, with all I have had to contend +with in the way of a frightful example from pa, I am not so +worse.</p> +<p>How many boys of my age, do you suppose, could put in a season +with a circus and have all the facilities I have had to go wrong, +and come out as well as I have? The way the freaks just doted on +me would have turned the heads of most boys, but when I found out +that all of them, from the fat woman and the bearded woman, to +the trapeze performers, ate onions three times a day, I said: +"Nay, nay, Hennery will camp with the animals, whose smell is +natural, and not acquired."</p> +<p>Say, do you know I have saved hundred of boys this summer from +ruin, 'cause in every town there are lots of boys who want to run +away from home and go off with a circus, and 'cause I belonged to +the show they all came to me, and pa appointed me to discourage +the boys, and drive them away from the show. I know in Virginia +all the boys wanted to run away, and but for me the state +wouldn't have boys enough to grow up and shoot the negroes. But +when I found boys who wanted to skip away from home, I would give +them a job, and they would have slept in the straw with the +horses, and eaten at the second table after the negroes had been +fed, if they could only shake their comfortable homes and loving +friends and join a traveling circus.</p> +<p>Well, I always gave such boys a job watering the camels, and +after they had carried water from daylight till dark, and had +seen it disappear down a camel, and the camels grumbling because +they didn't bring water faster, the boys would ask me how long it +look to fill up a camel, anyway. I would tell them that if they +kept right at work, the camels ought to be filled up full along +in the fall. The boys would reluctantly resign. Our camels have +been the making of hundreds of boys by their tank-like capacity +to hold water. One boy at Richmond, Va., got it on me by getting +a section of fire hose and hitching it to a hydrant, and letting +the water run into a trough at the camel stand in the menagerie, +and before I knew it the camels had filled up until they were +swelled four times as big as they ought to be. Then they laid +down, and couldn't march in the grand entree, and pa sent for a +plumber to have the camels fixed with faucets. That boy was a +genius, and we kept him and put him into the lemonade privilege. +You can fill a camel with a hydrant all right, but if you bring +the water in pails he will beat the game.</p> +<p>I remember one boy at Wilmington, Del., who insisted on going +along with the show, 'cause his mother made him work after +school, and my heart was touched, 'cause I know how a boy hates +to work after school, so I gave him a job sprinkling insect +powder on the buffaloes, that were scratching themselves against +the tent poles so much that I felt they had something alive +concealed about their persons. That boy started in with his can +of insect powder on a buffalo calf, and then he filled the cow's +hair full of the powder, and when he started on the bull, the +bull took a sniff of the powder on the cow, and got it up his +nose, and he held his head up kind of scared like, and turned his +upper lip wrong-side out, and began to paw the ground. Then he +made a charge on that boy, and tossed him through the tent, and I +looked through the hole, and saw the boy scratching gravel +towards town. If he is not running yet, he is probably doing +chores for his mother both before and after school.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="407"><img alt="290.gif" src= +"Pictures/290.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#408">The Bull Tossed the Boy +Through the Tent.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>I have discouraged most of the boys who wanted to run away and +go with the show, by giving them a curry comb and brush and +telling them they could have a permanent job currying off the +hyenas. Most boys would look sort of dubious about it, but would +think it was up to them to be game, and they would take the curry +comb and brush all right. I would take them to the cage, and tell +them to just talk soothing to the hyenas through the bars, and +when the hyenas began to get tame and act as though it would give +them pleasure to be curried off, and laid down and rolled over, +and purred like a cat that wanted to be scratched, and acted as +though they would eat out of one's hand, the boys might call me, +and I would have the cage opened and they could go in and curry +them off.</p> +<p>Well, it would kill you dead to see a fool boy side up to a +hyena cage and try to hypnotize a hyena by kind words and a pious +example, saying soothing words like: "Soo, boss," or "O, come off +now, and be a good fellow," and see the hyena snarl and show his +teeth like an anarchist that a multi-millionaire might try to +tame so he would take a roll of money out of his hand without +biting the hand. I have had boys stand in front of a hyena cage +with a curry-comb and brush all day, trying to get on good terms +with the hyenas, and occasionally the hyenas would forget to +snarl and the boy would think the animals were beginning to +weaken, and the boy would work up closer to the cage, and say: +"Pretty pussy," and hold out his hand and say: "Good fellow." +Then the whole cageful of hyenas would make a rush for him, +howling, snapping and scratching, with their bristles up, and the +boy would fall backwards over a sacred cow. About this time I +would come along and ask the boy if he had got the hyenas +curried, 'cause if he had, I wanted him to curry the grave +robbers--the jackals. Then the boy would reluctantly give up his +tools, and say if I wanted the hyenas and jackals curried off I +could do it myself. I would tell them they would never do for the +circus business, 'cause faint heart never won fair hyena. Then +they would go home and sell their mother's copper boiler to get +money to pay their way in the show. Gee, but I have saved lots of +boys from a circus fate.</p> +<p>Pa has an awful time in the hospital, 'cause twice a day the +doctors strip him and pull a mess of cactus thorns out of him, +and he yells and don't talk very pious. The doctor told me I must +try and think of something to divert pa's mind from his +suffering.</p> +<p>So I got some telegraph blanks and envelopes, and I have +written messages from the show managers, twice a day. The morning +message would tell about the business of the day before, and how +they missed pa. Then I would add something like this: "The +farmers around Olathe are all inquiring for you," or "The farmers +around Topeka wish you were here, 'cause they want to give you a +reception," or "About 200 farmers at Parsons think we ought to +let them in free, on account of being old friends of yours." The +last one broke pa all up. The message said: "Many farmers from +Atchison are going to come with us to Kansas City to confer with +you on an old matter of business." Pa jumped like a box car off +the track, and wanted the doctors to send him to a hospital at +St. Louis, and he told the doctors the reason, but they cheered +him up by saying that if any mob came to the hospital after him, +they would hide him in the pickling vat, and make the mob believe +he was dead. That is the way it stands now. But pa is not so darn +happy as I have seen him, though I try to do all I can to keep +his mind off his trouble. I tell him as long as his conscience is +clear, he is all right, but he says: "But, Hennery, that's the +trouble; it ain't clear. Well, let us have peace, at any +price."</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="405"><img alt="294.gif" src= +"Pictures/294.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#406">Pa Jumped Like a Box +Car.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXV."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXV.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">Pa Breaks in the Zebras and Drives a Six--in-Hand +Team in the</span><br> + <span class="c2">Parade--The Freaks Have a Narrow Escape from +Drowning.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Pa is stuck on the zebras. I do not know what there is about a +zebra unless it is the wail paper effects of his exterior +decoration that should make a man leave all the other animals and +cleave unto the zebra, but pa has been putting in his leisure +time all summer breaking the zebras to harness, and driving them +single and double in the ring Sundays.</p> +<p>Everybody about the show knew pa was going to spring some +surprise on us. I have tried to reason pa out of his unnatural +infatuation for zebras, but you might as well talk to a rich old +man who gets stuck on a chorus girl, and gives her all his money, +and has to go and live at the poor house.</p> +<p>A zebra always looks to me like a joke that nature has played. +Who, but nature, would ever think of laying out a plan for a +zebra, and painting it in stripes, like a barber's pole, and yet +we must admit that few human artists could paint a million zebras +and get the stripes on as perfect as nature does with her eyes +shut. The mule and the zebra are distant relatives, 'cause lots +of mules have a few stripes on their legs, but the zebra is the +eldest son who is aristocratic and inherits the stuff, while the +mule is the younger son who never gets a look in for the money, +but has to work for a living. So it is no wonder to me that the +mule kicks. The zebra is the dude of the family, and the mule +looks up to him, when he ought to kick his slats in, and rub out +his stripes with a mule shoe eraser.</p> +<p>While pa was in the hospital at Kansas City he formed a plan +to paralyze the town by driving six zebras to a tally-ho coach, +in the parade, and the reporters interviewed pa, and the papers +were full of it, and the people were wild with excitement, and +everybody wanted to see a six-in-hand zebra team, driven by +Alkali Ike, one of the greatest western stage drivers that was +ever held up by road agents. Pa was to be Alkali Ike. The show +struck Kansas City Sunday morning, and the management was scared +at what pa had advertised to do, and they all wanted to call off +the zebra stunt, but pa said if they cut it out the people would +mob the show, so all day Sunday we hooked up the six zebras, and +the hands led them around the tent with a mule with a bell on +ridden in the lead. They seemed to go pretty well, but I could +see pa's finish when he got out on the streets with that crazy +team. Pa wanted all the freaks to ride on the tally-ho, and he +had invited nine newspaper fellows to ride with him. Pa thought +the zebra team would follow the bell mule ahead, like a 20-mule +borax team would.</p> +<p>Well, Monday morning the parade started, and along about the +middle of the parade, just ahead of the calliope, was pa and his +six zebra team, his freaks and reporters, and pa handled the +ribbons like a pirate. The fat woman sat on the driver's seat +with pa, for ballast, and the rest of the freaks were sandwiched +in between the reporters. We went along all right for half a +mile, the circus hands walking beside the zebras, to kill them if +they tried to jump over a house, while I rode the bell mule. If I +had been planning the zebra business, I would have picked out a +level town to try it on, but Kansas City is all hills and +ravines, and going up hill the zebras' tally-ho had to be pushed +by a couple of elephants, 'cause the zebras wouldn't pull the +load, and going down hill we had to lock the wheels, and slide +down.</p> +<p>When we got on the main street, where the crowd filled both +sides, almost up to the team, and the people began to cheer, the +zebras began to waltz and kick, and try to jump over each other, +but the hands got them untangled, and we worried along, though pa +was pale, and looked like a man smoking a cigar while sitting on +an open powder keg. The fat woman grabbed pa every little while, +and screamed that she wanted to get off and walk, but pa told her +to hush up and try to be a man.</p> +<p>Well, as we were going down hill, by a park, near the Midland +hotel, that confounded calliope had got right up behind the +tally-ho, and the organist cut her loose, with the tune: "A Life +on the Ocean Wave." Every zebra jumped into the air, the brake +footpiece escaped pa's foot, and the tally-ho run on to the heels +of the wheel zebras, and it was all off. There never was such a +runaway since the days of Ben Hur. Pa had presence of mind enough +to make the fat lady get down off the seat, and he put his feet +on her to hold her down, the crowd yelled, and our zebras run +into the cage ahead, containing the behemoth of Holy Writ, and +knocked off a hind wheel, and every wagon ahead was either tipped +over or disabled. The people fairly went wild, thinking the +runaway was a part of the show. The giant fainted from fright, +'cause he always was a coward; the bearded woman threw her arms +around a reporter, and scratched his face with her whiskers, +while the Circassian girl got her white wig caught In the branch +of a tree and lost it, and she was as bald as an ostrich egg. Pa +took out the whip and larruped the zebras, to put some new +stripes on them.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="403"><img alt="298.gif" src= +"Pictures/298.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#404">There Never Was Such a +Runaway<br> + Since the Days of Ben-Hur.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>When we passed the camels they thought they were in the race, +and they buckled in to keep up, and the chariot horses got the +best of the drivers and they joined in. My mule kept up all +right, and we went down the hill on to the level ground that runs +to the Missouri river. When we got to the river the zebras turned +short and tipped the tally-ho over into the water and the whole +bunch on the coach was floundering in the muddy water; but there +happened to be a sandbar under the water, so nobody was drowned, +though we had to bail out the fat woman, she swallowed so much of +the muddy river. The giant was senseless and two reporters got +astride of him, thinking it was a rail, and drifted ashore, while +pa laid on his back and floated like a duck, and when we got him +out we found he had a life-preserver under his coat, and he said +he put it on because he had a hunch that those zebras would make +for running water if they ever got beyond control. Well, the +crowd followed down to the river, and everybody was rescued, and +the rest of the parade went over the route, and in the afternoon +the tent was so full there were thousands standing up.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="401"><img alt="302.gif" src= +"Pictures/302.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#402">The Zebras Turned Short<br> + and Tipped the Tally-ho Over Into the Water.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>When pa came into the main tent with the zebras, in the grand +parade around the ring, the crowd gave him three cheers, which +probably caused the management to refrain from discharging him on +the spot. Pa is like a cat, 'cause he always falls on his feet +all right and he thinks the zebra tally-ho in the parade was the +feature that caused the crowd to visit the show; but he says he +will never drive zebras again, on account of the excitement.</p> +<p>The fat woman talks of having pa arrested for breaking one of +her ribs when he held her down with his feet; but pa says his +feet did not sink into her more than a foot or so, and he +couldn't have hit a rib, nohow.</p> +<p>Well, I'm glad to be back in the show, 'cause there is more +going on than there was in the hospital, where I put in a week +while the doctors were pulling the cactus pin feathers out of pa +that grew out on him in Indian Territory. Gee, but if I had to +leave the circus business and go back to school, I know I should +die of lonesomeness.</p> +<p>I got a chance to talk with pa at supper, and asked him if he +was really crazy, as the hands say he is, and how he liked +zebras, anyway, and he said: "Hennery, zebras are just people, +they stampede just like politicians and bankers, and business men +generally, and never know enough to let well enough alone. The +mule is the only draft animal that always pulls straight and gets +there right side up."</p> +<p>If I was going to run a circus for easy money, and a picnic, I +wouldn't have any menagerie connected with it, 'cause the animals +make more trouble than all the rest of the show. They are just +like a lot of children in a reform school, they don't want to +work, and they are just looking for a chance to fight when your +back is turned, or to escape. They don't know where they would go +if they did escape, but they don't want anybody over them, to +teach them morals, though when meal time comes the reform school +boys and the menagerie animals eat like tramps, because the food +is so good, and then kick because it isn't better. If your +performers in the circus proper do not suit you can discharge +them, and if they are sick you can leave them in a hospital, and +go on with the show, and forget about them until they show up in +a week or two, pale as ghosts, and weak as cats, and demand back +salary; but your animal has to be taken along and petted, and +when you give him medicine to save his life, he will try to bite +your hand off.</p> +<p>And yet you can't help getting stuck on the animals, and a man +gets stuck on the kind of animal that is most like him. The +grizzly old granger, who never buttons the collar of his shirt, +and whose Adam's apple looks like a hen's head, will stay by the +camels, hours at a time, the pious church man feels at home among +the sacred cattle, the strong-arm holdup man will linger by the +grizzly bear, the prize-fighter will haunt the lions' den, the +garroter will gaze lovingly at the tigers, the sneak thief seems +to love the hyenas, and the big game hunters watch the deer and +elk. Some of us who have brains love the monkeys, they are so +human.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> + <a name="CHAPTER_XXVI."></a> +<h2><a href="#CONTENTS.">CHAPTER XXVI.</a></h2> +<span class="c2">The Rings Are So Muddy the Performers Have to +Wear Rubber</span><br> + <span class="c2">Boots--The Freaks Present Pa with a Big Heart of +Roses--The</span><br> + <span class="c2">Show Closes and the Bad Boy Starts West with +His Pa in Search</span><br> + <span class="c2">of Attractions for the Coming +Season.</span><br> + <br> + +<p>Well, Missouri is the state to teach a circus humility, and we +have taken the thirty-third degree in the last ten days. It has +rained nine days and a half out of a possible ten days, and the +mud is something we never dreamed of before. The wagons have been +mired in the mud on the way from the train to the lot every day +in the streets of cities big enough to have street cars and +electric lights. The cities have one or two main streets paved, +but the rest of the streets are just virgin soil, and you have +got to swim to get to the paved streets. When you start away for +the lot, it is like Washington crossing the Delaware.</p> +<p>And yet the people come from miles around to see the show, and +everybody rides a web-footed mule, that can wallow in the mud. +They hitch the mules to fences outside the tent, and while the +performance is going on the mules bray in concert and drown the +band.</p> +<p>Pa has been wild ever since we struck Missouri, and no wonder, +'cause everybody seems to lay everything in the way of weather on +him. Every place we show the lot is one sea of mud, and when we +get the rings made they seem like a chain of lakes, and in +galloping around the rings the horses splash mud and water clear +to the reserved seats. The riders of the horses have to come out +in rubber hunting boots and when they get on the horses we have +to pull their boots off and hold them until the act is over, then +the riders sit on the horses and pull the boots on and get down +in the mud of the ring and bow to the audience.</p> +<p>The woman riders are the worst to wear rubber boots, 'cause +they fall down in the mud and spoil their dresses and kick +scandalous, The trapeze performers have to be carried out of the +dressing room on stretchers, and hoisted up to the net, 'cause +they can't do stunts up on the trapeze with wet feet, and we have +worked ourselves to death getting things in shape.</p> +<p>The confounded elephants just glory in the mud, and the minute +they get in the ring they all lay down and roll in the mud and +water, so when they are ready to do their act they look like +walking mud pies. The freaks are awful to handle, the giant being +the only one that can wade through and look pleasant, and the fat +woman would make you weary, she has to be carried back and forth +to the platform by half a force of hands. Pa has had shawl straps +and coffin handles fastened to her clothes, so there will be +something to grab hold of to move her around. I don't think that +another year we will have any fat woman, 'cause pa says it costs +more to get this 500-pound female from one place to another than +all the rest of the show. He thinks that people who visit the +show don't care much about a fat woman anyway, but just guy her +and ask her what kind of breakfast food she lives on. He thinks +if we had three reasonably fat women that weighed about 200 +pounds apiece, it would give better satisfaction and they would +be easier to handle; but when she heard what pa said and felt +that she was going to be shook next year she began to cry, and it +was like turning on water in a bathtub. Pa had to pet her and +then the bearded woman got jealous.</p> +<p>At Jefferson City there came a cold wave and everything was +froze stiff, and you could skate in the rings, and the management +decided to get to St. Louis and send the show to winter quarters, +and organize for next season. So we have had a time closing up +for the season, and sending the animals to the barns on our farm +up north, and discharging and paying off the performers and +bidding everybody good-by. We have bought presents for everybody, +and it has been a picnic.</p> +<p>Pa had a big heart, with roses all around it, made of a horse +collar, covered with flowers, which came from the freaks, and the +performers remembered him with presents, and pa gave everybody +something, and everybody got together in the main tent and made +speeches.</p> +<p>The manager thanked everybody and promised that next year we +would have the greatest show on earth. He said the management had +decided that what we lacked this year was a wild west show, as +the people everywhere seemed to dote on busting broncos, and +roping cattle, and chasing buffaloes and seeing Indians and rough +riders chase up and down the arena. He felt that in justice to +our rough-riding president, it was proper to have a wild west +show that would make things hum next year. He said he took +pleasure in informing the people of the show that pa had been +commissioned to go out west at once and secure the Indians and +cowboys, horses that buck and bounce off the riders, cattle that +would stand it to be lassoed and thrown down for the amusement of +the public, buffaloes that would bellow and act like old times on +the plains, stage coaches and robbers, and he promised that next +year they would have no cause to be ashamed of the show. He said +pa was authorized to spare no expense to round up a wild west +show second to none. The performers and hands cheered the +manager, and then they yelled for pa for a speech.</p> +<p>Pa got up on the tub that the elephants stand on, and said +that it was true what the manager said about a wild west show, +and that he was proud of the confidence reposed in him. He should +be glad to take an expedition and go out into the far west and +beard the wild west Indian in his tepee and engage Indians by the +hundred to come with us next year. He would pierce the wilderness +of the west in search of the wildest red men and would hunt the +cowboy in his lair and secure those who could make the most +trouble for cattle and horses and shoot up an audience if +necessary to keep the peace, and he would buy buffaloes enough so +every performer could ride one if he wanted to. He said while we +had this year had some attempts at a wild west department in our +show, it was only a tame imitation of what we would have next +year, and he wanted them all to pray for him, that he might come +out of the wild far west without being killed. He said he should +take Hennery along with him as a mascot, and if the worst came he +could trade me to an Indian tribe for ponies, or leave me as a +hostage with some tribe until he returned the Indians at the +close of next season. Pa closed his remarks by hoping that +nothing had occurred during the past season that would cause +anybody to have it in for him, 'cause he had tried to be +impartial in his cussedness, and while he felt that he had been +considered an interloper in the profession at first, he had found +that everybody looked upon him later in the season as the main +guy in the show, and that all had felt at liberty to give it to +him in the neck on every proper occasion and he felt that he had +taken his medicine like a thoroughbred.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="399"><img alt="310.gif" src= +"Pictures/310.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#400">I Will Search for<br> + the Wildest of Red Men.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>They gave three cheers for pa, and then they brought in the +blankets and tossed everybody up until they lost everything out +of their pockets and yelled that they had enough, and they wound +up by tossing pa up in the blanket until he could see stars. They +were going to give the fat woman a hoist, when the boss canvasman +gave the signal to take down the tents, and all was in a hubbub +for about 15 minutes.</p> +<table align="center" summary="Picture"> +<tr> +<td align="center"><a name="397"><img alt="314.gif" src= +"Pictures/314.gif"></a></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td align="center"><b><a href="#398">They Tossed Pa Up in the +Blanket.</a></b></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>When everything was down and everybody went to the train, +after joining hands around the middle ring and singing "Old Lang +Sine," pa and I and the managers went to a hotel to organize our +expedition to the far west in search of talent for a wild west +show that shall be the greatest ever put under canvas. After all +had gone away, and only pa and I and the managers were left, it +seemed, as we thought over the incidents of the past season, as +though there had been an earthquake and the whole show had been +blotted out of existence.</p> +<p>Pa choked up and was going to cry, and I got my throat full of +something so I could not speak, and the managers began to wipe +their eyes, and pa saved the day by saying: "Oh, what's the use, +let's order up some highballs," and when they came, with a red +lemonade for me, pa said: "Well, here's to the people that crowd +around the ticket wagon and fight to get the first ticket when +the window is open, and go away after the show and say it is the +greatest show ever."</p> +<p>"Hey Rube!" said the manager, and we drank standing, and pa +went out and bought tickets for Cheyenne, and some beads, to give +to the Indians we shall visit in the west.</p> +<br> + <br> + +<hr class="c1"> +<br> + <br> +</td> +</tr> +</table> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Peck's Bad Boy at the Circus, by George W. 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