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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:58 -0700 |
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diff --git a/10144-h/10144-h.htm b/10144-h/10144-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..600477a --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/10144-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1942 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 35.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10144 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PATENT BINDERS</big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO,"</big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar, by</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. 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No. 35.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26,1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp,<br> + <b>L. 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Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN<br> + <br> + </small> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO<br> + <br> + </small> JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p><big><b>FACTS FOR THE LADIES.</b></big></p> + <p>I have a Wheeler & Wilson machine (No. 289), bought of Mr. +Gardner in 1853, he having used it a year. I have used it constantly, +in shirt manufacturing as well as family sewing, sixteen years. My wife +ran it four years, and earned between $700 and $800, besides doing her +housework. I have never expended fifty cents on it for repairs. It is, +to-day, in the best of order, stitching fine linen bosoms nicely. I +started manufacturing shirts with this machine, and now have over one +hundred of them in use. I have paid at least $3,000 for the stitching +done by this old machine, and it will do as much now as any machine I +have.</p> + <p>W.F. TAYLOR.</p> + <p>BERLIN, N.Y.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;" rowspan="4"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.<br> + <br> + </b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <br> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <br> + <p><b>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</b></p> + <p><small><br> +Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO. B. 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STEPHENS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ARTIST,</big></p> + <p>No. 160 FULTON STREET,<br> +NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GEORGE WEVILL,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>WOOD ENGRAVER,</big></p> + <p>208 BROADWAY,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b><big><big>FOLEY'S</big></big><br> + <big><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big></b><br> +THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.<br> + <b>256 BROADWAY.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p><br> +33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from</p> + <p>10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.<br> + </small></p> + <p><small><br> + </small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum,<br> +in advance; 50 cts. per number.<br> +Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>MAN AND WIVES.</b></p> + <p>A TRAVESTY.</p> + <p><b>BY MOSE SKINNER.</b></p> + <p>CHAPTER FIRST.</p> + <p>CROQUET.</p> + <p><img src="images/133.jpg" align="left" alt="A"> croquet party +has assembled in Mrs. TIMOTHY LADLE'S front yard, located in one of the +most romantic spots in that sylvan retreat, the State of Indiana.</p> + <p>"Who's going to play," did you say?</p> + <p>Come with me, and I'll introduce you.</p> + <p>This austere female, with such inflexible rigidity of form, +such harrowing cork-screw curls, and chronic expression as of smelling +something disagreeable, is Mrs. LADLE, the hostess. A widow. Her +husband, the late TIMOTHY, was a New York detective. Amassing a +competency, he emigrated to Indiana, became a Bank Director and +Sunday-School Superintendent, and died beloved by all.</p> + <p>Produce your very best bow for Mrs. LADLE, and trot out your +company talk, for she's in the mother-in-law business, and thoroughly +up to snuff.</p> + <p>This old male party, with the remains of a luxuriant growth of +very red hair, clinging fondly, like underbrush round a rock, to the +sides of his head, with a seedy-looking patch far under the chin to +match, whose limp dickey droops pensively as if seeking to crawl bodily +into the embrace of the plaid gingham which encircles his neck, and in +whose nose is embodied that rare vermilion tint which artists so love +to dwell upon;—this is the Hon. MICHAEL LADLE, brother of the late +TIMOTHY, a Western Member of Congress, and a grass widower.</p> + <p>This girl of the period, whose saucy black eyes bear down on +you like a twenty-four gun frigate; looking as it were through you, and +counting the hairs on the back of your neck, is Miss BELINDA LADLE, +daughter of the deceased TIMOTHY, and step-daughter to the hostess who +was TIM'S second matrimonial venture, you understand.</p> + <p>This young woman mounts a lager-beer cask, and stops the buzz +of conversation by bringing her mallet down with a smart rap upon the +head of the nearest bald-headed gentleman.</p> + <p>"Attention, company," said she—"Stand up straight, and look as +well as you can.—<i>Take</i>—mallets."</p> + <p>While the guests are boisterously laughing, with that rare +appreciation of refined humor peculiar to the West, Mrs. LADLE, the +proper, attempts an indignant remonstrance, but is interrupted by the +Hon. MICHAEL.</p> + <p>"Oh, let the little gal have her tantrums, sister-in-law," +said he. "Mebbe <i>you</i> was young once, though nobody now living +could swear to it."</p> + <p>"Come," interrupted BELINDA, "we've had gassin' enough. Choose +your partners. Mildewed age, before infantile beauty. Mother-in-law, go +in."</p> + <p>The extremely respectable and highly dignified female last +alluded to shook her fist at BELINDA on the sly, and said:</p> + <p>"I'll take ANN BRUMMET."</p> + <p>The lady who stepped forward at this summons was greeted with +a wide stare, and every eye-glass was focussed.</p> + <p>She was a remarkable-looking female. She wasn't exactly +handsome, but there was a sort of a something about her, you +understand, that—ah—riveted the gaze of folks generally, you see, and a +fellow—ah—caught himself looking the second time, as you may say—and +ah—it wasn't style either, for one shoulder was higher than the other, +and her hair was done up in a bob, and she took awful long steps, and +swung her arms as far as they would go each way; and her collar looked +as though she'd slept in it, and she wore rubbers like a school-ma'am.</p> + <p>And you couldn't say 'twas regularity of features exactly, +either, for her eyes were too limited in circumference, and her nose +too numerous in diameter; and her mouth monopolized too much latitude, +and she had a hair-mole on one cheek, and faint dawnings of a moustache +on her upper lip. But in spite of these trivial eccentricities, you +felt when you looked at her, as I said before—ah—a sort of—as it were—a—</p> + <p>By Jove, I can't describe it.</p> + <p>The general impression was that she was an heiress, and the +comments were numerous.</p> + <p>"How graceful!" "Look at that swan-like neck!" "What a perfect +form!" "What a dove-like expression!" "Do introduce me!" "Who is she?"</p> + <p>"She's a poor relation of Mrs. LADLE'S."</p> + <p>"There, I thought so!" "What an object!" "Forcing herself into +genteel society, too!" "The audacity of these creatures is perfectly +horrid."</p> + <p>It was BELINDA'S turn to choose next, and she pointed straight +at the man she wanted, and said:</p> + <p>"JEFFRY MAULBOY."</p> + <p>It was natural she should choose him, for he was greatly +respected by all present, and the ladies especially regarded him as +simply a hero; for he was one of the Great Masters in the noble Art of +Muscle.</p> + <p>Let me explain.</p> + <p>At the time of which I write, there had been a contest in the +Universities of America between Brains and Muscle, and the latter had +conquered. Brains were accounted a very good thing in their way, but +what we want, sir, is Muscle. If a man can master his Greek, and his +Latin, and his Theology, and his Law, and such frothy trifles between +times, well and good, but he musn't neglect his Muscle.</p> + <p>And so base-ball clubs were organized, and the Long Heels +challenged the Short Heels, and the leading journals published cards of +defiance from the Knockers to the Hitters, together with labored +editorials on the same. And boat-races and sculling matches were set +on foot, and once a year the students repaired with their friends to a +city afflicted with a lake, where, pending the contest, they organized +a Reign of Terror, during which the harmless inhabitants locked +themselves in their houses and clasped their offspring to their bosoms, +or gazed terror-stricken from an attic-window upon the classical +marauders below, as they indulged in a <i>post-mortem</i> examination +of a private dwelling, or the rare pleasantry of roasting a policeman. +But dared complain, for public excitement waxed high on the subject of +Muscle.</p> + <p>And when the day arrived which was to decide the momentous +question, the banks of the lake were decked with the beauty and culture +of the land, and fair hands "staked their odds," and fair lips became +familiar with "home-stretches," "spurts," and "fouls."</p> + <p>A body of students crossed the ocean to win a boat-race, and +the public Press told us in very large capitals what they ate and +drank, and the exact condition of a boil belonging to one of the party. +But the heart of the nation beat high with hope, until the appalling +intelligence was flashed across the wires that they were defeated. It +was a cruel blow. Strong men looked at one another in mute agony, or +spoke as if there was a corpse in the next room. The Press sent up a +wail that resounded through the land. An eminent divine pronounced it a +"National misfortune," and the pictorials containing wood-cuts of the +lamented heroes were put away, as we put away the playthings of a child +that has died.</p> + <p>No wonder that Mr. JEFFRY MAULBOY was looked up to and +courted, for he had a medal bestowed upon him as a Champion Paddler, +and had lost a bet of fifty dollars on the "Great International +Contest."</p> + <p>But his towering ambition remained unsated. He realized that +he lived in a progressive age, and his superior talents enabled him to +take a stand far ahead of his fellows. By diligent application to his +noble profession, he was now a member of that exalted Institution, "The +Prize Ring of America," and the letters P.R.U.S.A. were elegantly +imprinted with blue ink upon his right arm.</p> + <p>There were two persons present, however, who didn't regard +JEFFRY MAULBOY as a little god. One was the Hon. MICHAEL LADLE; the +other was ANN BRUMMET.</p> + <p>She was putting her tongue out, and making faces at him from +behind an apple-tree. A lady who saw her said it improved her +appearance.</p> + <p>When BELINDA chose JEFFRY, he very deliberately took a chew of +tobacco, and said he wouldn't play.</p> + <p>"This is the sickest croquet party I ever saw," said BELINDA. +"All backing out. Spos'en I take you then, you dear old buffer," she +added, addressing the Hon. MICHAEL. <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">"I +may be an old buffer," said the Hon. Member from the West, but I am</span><br> +young enough for anything here. As STOWE BYRON says:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, +days of my childhood's hours,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'm a gazin' on ye yit."</span> </div> + <p>He was interrupted by JEFFRY MAULBOY.</p> + <p>"You say you are young enough for anything here," said he; +"suppose you and I try a little mill out back of the house."</p> + <p>"Young man," replied the Hon. MICHAEL, "if there's one mistake +in life that your parents grieve over, it is probably the mistake of +your birth. If you don't have any serious drawbacks, and are careful of +your health, you will make a first-class DEAD BEAT. When a man insults +me, sir, I lay him out, without depending in the smallest degree upon +an undertaker, but as for standing up in front of a man who mashes +noses by contract, and chaws off ears as a matter of genteel business, +why it ain't my cut."</p> + <p>JEFFRY MAULBOY took another chew of tobacco.</p> + <p>"You can go on," he said. "I won't hurt you. You're too small +potatoes for me."</p> + <p>While this gentle raillery was in progress, BELINDA felt +somebody tugging at her dress. She looked down, and saw Mr. ARCHIBALD +BLINKSOP, a sailor-looking chap who smelt of tar, and well he might, +for he had ploughed the tempestuous deep for upwards of six months, as +a common sailor on the Erie Canal.</p> + <p>"Shiver my starboard binnacle amidships," said he, "why don't +you choose <i>me?"</i></p> + <p>She squeezed his hand and winked at him.</p> + <p>"I <i>will</i> choose you, dear," said she. "Don't blush so."</p> + <p>The game has commenced.</p> + <p>JEFFRY MAULBOY, standing aloof, is just taking a fresh chew, +when a hand is laid on his shoulder.</p> + <p>The hand is that of ANN BRUMMET, the poor relation, and the +voice that breaks on his ear is also the property of that extraordinary +woman.</p> + <p>"JEFF," said she cautiously, "meet me in just half an hour, +out back of the house. You know the place. Where the woodbine has +twined so much. I've got something <i>very</i> particular to tell +you." And she pinched his arm slyly.</p> + <p>The game progresses.</p> + <p>The Hon. MICHAEL LADLE and ARCHIBALD BLINKSOP are conversing +together.</p> + <p>"That MAULBOY is a jackass," said the former. "Is he a friend +of your'n?"</p> + <p>"Well, not exactly," returned ARCHIBALD. "You see, it's just +like this," he continued, hitching up his pants behind, and rolling, +the same as sailors do on the stage. "About two months ago JEFF made a +voyage with me. One night we were bowling along the canal under a very +stiff breeze. The compass stood north-east and a half, the thermometer +was chafing fearfully, and the jib-boom, only two-thirds reefed was +lashing furiously against the poop-deck. Suddenly, that terrible cry, +'A man overboard!' I lost no time. I bore down on the taffrail threw +the cook overboard, and soon had the satisfaction of seeing our noble +craft lay over abaft the wind. Then, quick as thought, I belayed the +windlass and lowered a gaff. It struck something soft. I heard JEFF +cry: 'Don't hit my head again.' I was careful. The gaff slid along his +back, and finally settled firmly into the seat of his trousers. He was +hoisted aboard. The first thing he did was to see if his tobacco was +safe. Then he offered me a chew and said: 'Bless you, bless you; you +have saved my life, and owe me a debt of gratitude forever.' And +I 'spose I do," added ARCHIBALD. "It's the way of the world."</p> + <p>"Well," said the Hon. MICHAEL, "I don't envy you. I shouldn't +want to owe him a debt of any kind."</p> + <p>"Why?" queried BLINKSOP.</p> + <p>"Because, sooner or later, you'll have to pay it, double +over," was the reply.</p> + <p>(To be continued.)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>From Gay to Grave.</b></p> + <p>Here is a suggestive item from abroad:—</p> + <p>"On the Crown Prince's birthday he and his staff dined with +the King of Prussia at the Prefecture at Versailles, where covers were +laid for eighty."</p> + <p>Will PRUSSIA have the goodness to inform PUNCHINELLO +(post-paid) how many victims of the battle-field <i>covers</i> have +been laid for since the beginning of the war?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Confidential.</b></p> + <p>Business at the Interior Department will now be done up in a +rapid manner, for there can be no delay by DELA-NO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/134.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE."></center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Veritas.</i> A paragraph has been going the rounds of the +papers, giving some description of an animal called the "Tygomelia"—a +sort of camelopard—said to have lately been captured in the Hudson Bay +Territory. Is any such animal known to naturalists?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Not that we know of; but there's no telling what +sort of animals the writer of the paragraph referred to might have +running in his head.</p> + <p><i>Blondula.</i> My hair has gradually assumed a lovely golden +hue, but my complexion is very dark. Will eating arsenic make me fair?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Stuff! (but not with arsenic.) Keep a candy-store, +and be fair in your dealings.</p> + <p><i>Ornithologist.</i> I have a stuffed specimen of a beautiful +bird called the "Wax-wing." Was this kind of bird known to the +ancients, and, if so, where can I find a description of it?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Look for ICARUS, in LEMPRIÈRE'S Dictionary. +ICARUS was the son of DAEDALUS. It is said that old DAEDY, his daddy, +made wings for him, and stuck them on with cobbler's wax. ICKY took +flight with them, and got so close to the sun that the wax melted and +his wings came off. Then JUPITER caught him in his umbrella as he was +falling, and transformed him to the bird known as the "Wax wing."</p> + <p>G.F. TRAIN. Down with the Uhlans! Up with the black flag! +Killed four Uhlans before breakfast this morning. Uhlans wear baggy +sky-blue breeches. Give 'em sky-blue fits! BOURBAKI dined with me +yesterday. American fare. Gopher soup; rattlesnake hash; squirrel <i>sauté;</i> +fricasseed opossum; pumpkin pie. That's your sort! Blue coat and brass +buttons. White Marseilles waistcoat. France saved by Marseilles +waistcoat. Organize earthquake to swallow London. JOHN BULL trembles. +Tours trembles. Italy trembles. Leaning tower of Pisa changes base and +slopes other way. Tired of France. Change base and slope other way. +PUNCHINELLO for the throne of Spain! Down with AOSTA! Down with effete +monarchies! Down with rents! Up with G.F. TRAIN!<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Certainly.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO TO "THE SUN."</b></p> + <p>DEAR SUNNY:—In our issue dated November 19th, we took occasion +to congratulate you upon the sparkle added to your "Sunbeams" by the +judicious reproduction of our crisp and crystalline little poem "SALLY +SALTER." We have no doubt that your languid circulation was partly +restored by the timely aid thus unconsciously afforded you by +PUNCHINELLO. If any SALTER could save your bacon for you, surely +"SALLY" was the one to do it; only you shouldn't have tried to pass her +off as one of your own SALLIES. The jackdaw decked out in peacock's +feathers was a bird truly absurd, though not a whit more so than a +Solar Dodo like yourself with a PUNCHINELLO plume for a tail.</p> + <p>Now, in your number for November 9th, we find a remarkably +pretty "Autumn Song." It was pointed out to us, triumphantly, by a man +who carries <i>The Sun</i> in his pocket, and who wanted to know why +PUNCHINELLO never gave his readers anything like <i>that?</i> In +reply, we courteously referred him to PUNCHINELLO of October 22d, in +which that identical "Autumn Song" made its "first appearance upon any +stage." And so there you go, dear DODO SUNNY, with another PUNCHINELLO +feather in your pensive tail. Keep decking yourself with the feathers, +dear SUNNY. They become you well; and when you've got a bushel or so of +'em, we'll dispose of you to BARNUM as the original Anti-Promethean +Dodo that stole fire from PUNCHINELLO to light up <i>The Sun.</i></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/135.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THAT BLONDE BUSINESS.</b></p> + <p><i>Little Nell.</i> "O MA, WHAT PRETTY BOOTS THOSE LADIES +HAVE!"</p> + <p><i>Mamma.</i> "AND SUCH NICE DRESSES, TOO."</p> + <p><i>Little Nell.</i> "DRESSES, MA? I DON'T SEE ANY DRESSES—I +ONLY SEE THEIR BOOTS!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>A Bilious Review of the French Situation.—Hot Fat for Idiots.—Trochu Encounters a Conundrum.</p> + <p>PARIS, SEVENTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—If America has any "bowels of compassion" it +is fit that they should yearn now. This frothy and frenzied Republic is +at that ebb where national "extreme unction" must be administered +speedily, else the sufferer will pass away from the theatre of +sublunary things without the benefit of clergy. I feel as if I would +like to get the whole nation on a toasting-fork before a slow fire, and +roast it into a realizing sense of what the devil is doing for it. To +see BISMARCK feeding on shrimps with anchovy sauce, and drinking +champagne, while TROCHU and JULES FAVRE fight domestic treason within +the walls, and the Prussians without, upon stomachs that feebly digest +Parisian "hard tack" and gritty <i>vin ordinaire,</i> is enough to +make the spirit of liberty lay over the mourner's bench and perpetrate +a perfect Niagara of tears. When FLOURENS bagged the whole government +at the Hotel de Ville the other day, my feelings got the better of me, +and I went for him.</p> + <p>"Idiotic Frenchmen!" I exclaimed, in a voice that must have +sounded like an echo working its way through a thick upper crust of +doughy apple-dumplings; "Idiotic Frenchmen, do you know what you are +doing? Have you the feelings of a man, or of a mad dog? Which is it +that it is, that you should be worrying the life out of this croupy +infant of liberty, as is hardly able to waggle its head, barring all +hope that it will ever get upon its pins and take its 'constitutional' +like other mortals in distress? Where is the ghost of MIRABEAU, that it +does not come upon you all of a sudden, to confiscate the very marrow +in your bones and set up a candle factory in spite of the tax on +tallow? Where is LAFAYETTE? Where is REGINALD DE LYLE? Where is +ROBESPIERRE and GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN? Where is the DUKE DE MONTEBELLO, +or the Count of MONTE CHRISTO, that they don't hang round you like +aggravated wasps, and sting you into that appreciation of the fitness +of things whereby some razor may be slipped across your wizzen, and +Paris follow your corse to the <i>Pére la Chaise</i> with joy +and gladness? Why, in the name of all the torments—"</p> + <p>I stopped for want of breath, in time to see that the crowd +paid no attention, and that, to say the least of it, I had been making +an ass of myself. Not that there was no wisdom in my words, but these +Frenchmen are the most "dog gorned" insensible people to right up and +down, plain, everyday gospel truth that Providence ever permitted to +play checkers with Destiny. I had no hankering for a closer interview +with FLOURENS. He and I could never had got at a basis peace. There is +no harmony in the method of our mental "jointings." I would have given +"stamps" to have got his head under a quiet village pump, but I +wouldn't have undertaken to reason with him for all the gold of the +Credit Mobilier. There is another creamy idiot, trying his "level best" +to smash things here. Look at him! JULES VALLES! a patriot by name and +a Pat-rioter by nature, with enough hair on his head to stuff a gabion, +and not sense enough beneath it to accommodate a well-informed parrot. +These fellows call FAVRE a "milk-sop," and the trouble of it is that +FAYRE occasionally gives them reason for doing so. Strolling through +the <i>Passage des Princes</i> this morning, I saw TROCHU and accosted +him. "General," I said, probably with some trifling vindictiveness in +my heart, "isn't there a grease vat in Paris sufficiently large to boil +down Monsieur FLOURENS and his friends?" He might have thought that I +was a little overheated, or that some of the <i>Grand Cafe</i> +"tangle-foot" had got into my head; but his looks undeniably indicated +that he did not regard this as an unusually <i>cool</i> proposal. He +simply said, "Oh my!" in tolerably good English, and then I continued:</p> + <p>"You mistake me, General. I was not born in New Zealand. There +is nothing of the cannibal about me, and I trust the supply of +provisions in Paris won't compel us to eat each other just yet; but if +there is no satisfaction for the stomach in putting a tun or two of +boiling fat around GUSTAVE FLOURENS, can you think of anything better +calculated to produce serenity in the public mind?"</p> + <p>He didn't answer me then. It couldn't be expected, perhaps; +but I am still of the impression that this conundrum is gradually +working towards a solution in the brain of the Commander-in-Chief. I +hope it don't lay heavily there; I wouldn't do anything to distress +him. If GOLDWIN SMITH were expounding political economy to him in one +ear, and HORACE GREELEY talking agriculture in the other, the poor man +couldn't be more bothered than he is. No, no; far be it from me to add +one harrowing burden to his already heavy load; but when a man sees the +porter-house steak of Liberty a burning up on the grid-iron of war, why +shouldn't he put forth his "flipper" and save it if he can? And there's +another conundrum: but it's for PUNCHINELLO and his hemisphere of +adorers.</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A GOOD BAR-GAIN SUGGESTED.</b></p> + <p>The suggestion for purifying the New York Bar by classifying +its tenders is a good one and should be acted upon. As it is now, the +justice there dispensed is so mixed and doctored that it satisfies only +the vitiated taste of the roughs. The proceedings in the McFARLAND and +JACKSON case show that swagger, not study—bullying, not brains, are in +a fair way to become the important qualifications of a counsel. The +lawyers should organize in their own defence and classify themselves. +Mr. PUNCHINELLO suggests the following method as the simplest and +probably the most effective in its application to matters of legal +digestion. Let there be two classes made, the one to embrace the +well-bred, and the other the GRAHAM bred practitioners.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE SPORT AT WASHINGTON.</b>—Fighting COX.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS</b></p> + <p><img src="images/136.jpg" align="left" alt="O"> "What a +wretched smell of orange-peel and sawdust!" says MARGARET to me, as we +enter the gateway of the CIRCUS. Wretched! Why of all perfumes, next to +that of the clover and the new-mown hay, it is the most delicious. For +it brings back to us the days of our innocent childhood, when we stole +unlawful pennies to pay for admission to the charmed circle of +equestrian delights, and in youthful purity of soul, and general +dirtiness of face and hands, listened to the ingenious witticisms of +the clown, while we cracked the peaceful peanut, and shared the social +gingerbread.</p> + <p>Childlike innocence is a phrase that must originally have been +applied exclusively to girls. Obviously it is sheer nonsense as applied +to boys. Who ever saw an innocent boy, especially in a place of +amusement? Are they not, one and all, given to untimely hunger, and +addicted to undesirable methods of assuaging its pangs? Are they not +prone to perpetual colds in the head, accompanied by loud and labored +breathing, and rarely mitigated by the judicious use of +pocket-handkerchiefs? Do they not indulge in a vicious and wholly +unpardonable wealth of muddy boots, wherewith to trample upon their +unoffending neighbors? Are they not as prone to bad language as the <i>Tribune,</i> +and as noisy and noisome as the <i>Sun</i> itself? In short, are they +not always and altogether the most oppressive nuisance that can annoy +the peaceful pleasure-seeker? Echo answers that there isn't the +smallest possible doubt of it. Why, then, do we foolishly speak of +innocent boyhood?</p> + <p>Girls, on the other hand, may be innocent,—that is to say, +when they are extremely young. Of course they outgrow it when they +arrive at years of flirtation; but up to—say—their tenth or eleventh +year, they rarely go in for muddy boots and inappropriate peanuts,—at +least not to the same extent as boys. The average little girl is, +moreover, seldom found at the CIRCUS. She prefers WALLACK'S, or BOOTH'S +theatre,—whereas your usual boy despises the legitimate drama, and +prefers to have his dissipations served up with a great deal of horse +and plentifully spiced with the presence of the cheerful clown. For my +part, I frankly confess that I do not like boys, and heartily approve +of the noble sentiment expressed the other day by my landlady, who, on +reading that the Parisians had destroyed the Bois de Boulogne, remarked +that, "Even if the French couldn't spell 'boys' properly, she was glad +to see that they knew how to treat them." Pardon the errors of her +pronunciation. She learned French at a young ladies' seminary.</p> + <p>But I digress. It is a reprehensible habit. It is much better, +as a rule, to die game than it is to digress, though on the present +occasion there is no reason why I should do either. By the way, if a +man has to choose between having either his leg or his arm amputated, +which ought he to choose? Obviously he should choose ether,—that being +much safer than chloroform.</p> + <p>As I was saying, the CIRCUS always has a strong flavor of +orange peel. Will some one explain why orange-peel has such a close +affinity for horses and sawdust? I have attempted to account for it by +an elaborate stretching of the theory of chemical affinities. People +crack peanuts at the CIRCUS, because the cracking of peanuts in its +prosaic dreariness is in harmony with the cracking of jokes by the +dreary clown. The clown himself is always hoarse, obviously because of +his intimate association with the feats of horsemanship. Here are two +cases in which the theory of affinities clearly applies. Now, can we +not go further, and find some connection between the ring of the Circus +and the peel of the orange? Or again, may not the presence of +unwholesome animals in the arena have something to do with the presence +of orange-rind in the seats? The latter is clearly a rind-pest of the +very worst variety.</p> + <p>At this rate we shall never get inside the <i>Circus</i> +building. So say MARGARET; and I therefore cease my philosophical +remarks, which have so strongly impressed the doorkeeper that he has +finally beckoned to a policeman to come and listen to them. Up the +steep stairs we hasten, and are put into a reserved pen, where we watch +the glory of motley and the glitter of spangles in the ring below.</p> + <p>A terrific feat of horsemanship is in progress. A daring +rider, mounted on a broad platform, which is borne on the back of a +placid horse, is carried on a slow canter around the ring. He evidently +impersonates a member of the horse marines, for he executes elaborate +imitations of pulling ropes, reefing and furling sails. Probably the +horse marines reef topsails on horseback. In the absence of opposing +testimony we accept his theory, and are greatly pleased to find that +the equestrian sailor finally escapes being wrecked on the lower row of +benches, and so meeting a watery grave among the sawdust, while his +horse slowly founders beneath him.</p> + <p>I remark to MARGARET, while this daring act of marine +horsemanship in progress, that "I hope the horse won't founder"—meaning +to pun on the latter word.</p> + <p>But I am overheard by a horsey person in the neighborhood, who +replies, "That horse hain't got a symptom of foundering. LENT keeps his +horses in too good condition for that."</p> + <p>And I to him, in a light and jocose manner—"LENT keeps them so +well fed that they never keep Lent themselves, I suppose."</p> + <p>But the horsey person does not see my joke,—thus proving that +he shares a dulness of perception that I have too often noticed, even +among my friends. So I mercifully give him one more chance and say: "I +suppose Mr. LENT keeps all the fast horses, so that they never have to +keep fast themselves." But he gruffly answers, "You think yourself +smart, don't you? You ain't, though, and you'd better keep yourself +mighty quiet." I agree with him in the latter opinion, and relapse into +a dignified silence.</p> + <p>Presently the "Antipodal Brothers" begin their fraternal +gymnastics. I again feel the spirit of speculation strong within me, +and say to MARGARET, "Why are gymnasts always born in couples? Why +couldn't the Antipodal Cousins, or the Antipodal Relations by Marriage, +break their necks together with as much effect as though they were +brothers? Does the fraternal supply of brotherly gymnastics exist in +consequence of a presumed demand for the article by the public? If so, +why does the public make such demand?"</p> + <p>And she answers, "It is a mystery. Seek not to penetrate it. +That way madness lies."</p> + <p>Here a conundrum obtrudes itself upon me, and I ask, "Suppose +Gen. TERRY had a daughter, why would she necessarily be a delightful +puzzle? Obviously because she would be a Miss TERRY."</p> + <p>But the horsey person turns round and says, "If you want a +head put on you, just keep on talking; so that folks can't hear the +brothers turn a somersault. You'll be accommodated; do you understand?"</p> + <p>I accept his general hint, and watch the somersaulting pair. +What an editor the elder brother would make! He could turn as sudden +and perfect a somersault as did Mr. DANA, when he transformed the <i>Sun</i> +in a single night from a decent daily to what it now is. Or what a +politician the younger brother might become, were he to exhibit in the +arena of public life the agility in turning flip-flaps, and reversing +himself by unexpectedly standing on his head, which he displays in the +CIRCUS ring. Then the famous equestrienne—or rideress, as WEBSTER would +probably call her—careers around the circle on her thoroughbred +Alaskian steed: she is evidently a great favorite, and the small boy +behind me exclaims, with an ecstatic kick at the back of my neck: +"Isn't this bully?"</p> + <p>I venture to correct him by remarking: "My son, you should say +'horsey.' You would thereby avoid confounding the noble animals before +you with the no less useful, but undeniably less attractive—in an +aesthetic point of view—animals which belong to the bovine race."</p> + <p>He is evidently overcome by my flow of language, and he asks, +with a feeble show of independence: "You ain't hungry, are you?"</p> + <p>I say to myself: "Kind-hearted little fellow. He is grateful +for my reproof, and proposes to reward me with peanuts." So I kindly +reply: "No, my child, I am not hungry; why do you ask?"</p> + <p>"Because," answers the young villain, "I thought you couldn't +be, after having histed in a whole big dictionary."</p> + <p>I turn abruptly to MARGARET and say: "Come, my dear"—(she is +my maiden aunt, and I use the language of affection and respect to +her)—"let us go. This thing is only fit for children. We'll go over to +WALLACK'S and see an old comedy."</p> + <p>She rises reluctantly; but as we emerge into Fourteenth +street, she says: "The CIRCUS is one of the nicest places in town, and +I like it a million times better than I do your stupid old comedies."</p> + <p>The curious circumstance in connection with this remark is, +that MARGARET is nearly always right.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—Some months ago, a friend of mine requested +me to write him up descriptions for a set of panoramic views, which he +had purchased at a low figure at auction, and which he proposed to +exhibit through the country. The "Professor" who was engaged to travel +with him, it seems, was highly gifted so far as good clothes, a fine +head of hair, and a sweet expression, were concerned. He could also +play rudimentary music upon the flute. But he couldn't handle his +mother tongue glibly enough to accompany the scenes in first class +showman style.</p> + <p>Having the subjects given me, but without seeing a foot of the +canvas, I knocked off a few remarks, which I aimed to render as +appropriate as circumstances, and no regard whatever for the truth, +would permit. The "Professor" was to commit them to memory, with the +usual gestures, as he flourished his pointing-stick; he was to twirl +his moustache, manoeuvre his pocket handkerchief, and occasionally +resort to a glass of water,—and I am told he recites with great abandon.</p> + <p>Some of PUNCHINELLO'S readers may not enjoy the privilege of +seeing the "Panoramic Cosmos." For their special benefit I am allowed +to append a portion of the narration. They will observe that the back +towns are indeed fortunate to obtain at a moderate price so rare an +intellectual treat.</p> + <p>Yours,</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PART I.</b></p> + <p>LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:—We are proud to have the honor of +appearing before you with our series of unrivalled paintings. Inferior +exhibitions boast of the extent of their canvas: ours is literally +endless. Like Mr. BROOKS' TENNYSON (I beg pardon,—Mr. TENNYSON'S +BROOK), it "runs on forever." It embraces every variety of landscape, +waterscape, and, in the crowded halls of our large cities, a new patent +fire-escape.</p> + <p>Everywhere we have met with unparalleled success. We have +appeared before the crowned heads of Europe, and the woolly heads of +Charleston and Savannah,—the verdict of praise is unanimous. Purchasing +our oil and varnish at wholesale prices, we defy competition. While we +have given orders to our artists to furnish the most brilliant colors +and gorgeous imagination that the market affords, there is nothing here +(except, perhaps, myself) to offend the most fastidious.</p> + <p>Our aim is high, but combined with a price that is +unquestionably low; we strive to elevate and instruct the people, at +twenty-five cents a head (or packages of five tickets for one dollar), +and inspire a love for the pure and beautiful in art, with a liberal +discount to Sunday and day schools.</p> + <p>As the audience sit spell-bound (no extra charge for reserved +seats) before one grand conception of the artist's pencil,—lost in +admiration—another glides noiselessly into view; the eye is gratified, +the brain is refreshed, the digestion stimulated, and we all breathe +easier.</p> + <p>This alone is worth double the price of admission.</p> + <p>But not to detain you longer on the threshold, I will ring up +the curtain, and travel with you in this varied journey.</p> + <p>THE GIANTS' CAUSEWAY.</p> + <p>This stupendous structure is agreeably located on the coast of +Ireland, where the waves are ever beating, and the stormy winds do +blow. These pillars, grottoes, and colonnades strike the beholder with +awe. They have resulted from some grand convulsion of Nature; rocked in +the cradle of the deep, as things seem to be here.</p> + <p>It is not yet decided whether they belong to the +pre-Raphaelite or the pre-Adamite period.</p> + <p>As the spectator gazes spell-bound on this scene of grandeur, +he almost fancies that he hears the surges beating heavily at the base +of these grim rocks. (This is effected by costly machinery, concealed +behind the canvas.)</p> + <p>These columns have probably been standing here for centuries. +At least that is my opinion.</p> + <p>I propose it to this scientific audience with great humility.</p> + <p>By this I mean that the great HUGH MILLER thinks as I do.</p> + <p>He must be a bold man to contradict such authority.</p> + <p>This, however, is a boulder!</p> + <p>JUAN FERNANDEZ,</p> + <p>An island in the Pacific. It is called an island, as it is +entirely surrounded by water. It is famous as the residence of ROBINSON +CRUSOE, who, to avoid taxation in his native land, lived here in great +retirement. He had a faithful servant, FRIDAY, whom he enjoyed as much +as one of these boys here does Saturday afternoon.</p> + <p>There is quite a local look to this view, which renders it +valuable to the enthusiastic student of geography.</p> + <p>Ships sometimes stop here. Our artist's ship stopped fifteen +minutes, thus giving him ample time for this spirited and life-like +representation.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"DE TEA FABULA NARRATUR."</b></p> + <p>The women have embarked in the tea business. Tea at net prices +is to be one of the chief tenets of the woman's rights party. The +middle men now engaged in the business are all to be abolished. All the +women lecturers are to become tea-totallers, and go before their +audiences laden with packages for sale, in lots to suit, for cash. +Intimations of all this we gather from the recent news from Japan, +where the agent of the Woman's Tea Company, who has undertaken this +reformation, has arrived, and been interviewed, on her way to secure +the stock. But really, if the women do manage to give us our tea at a +reasonable rate, we will buy it gladly, even though, perhaps, we should +be forced to attend the lectures in order to obtain it. It is an ill +wind which blows nobody good, even though the tempest originates in a +tea-pot.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Spanish Question Settled.</b></p> + <p>AUNT BATHSHEBA'S mind is very chaotic as regards the throne of +Spain. She heard them talking about D'AOSTA for the situation, and +says:—</p> + <p>"A Oyster sit upon the Spanish throne, my dear!—ay, ay—it just +serves the Spanish right. They was always in a Stew, and is the most +Shellfishest of people as crawls the earth!"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Anomalous.</b></p> + <p>A despatch announces that the Pope is about leaving Rome. As +nothing is said with regard to his Holiness's particular destination, +however, it seems as though he were about <i>going</i> to Roam.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>From Our Special Cockney.</b></p> + <p>If, as the <i>Tribune</i> says, this is an "off year" with +the Republicans, shouldn't they be satisfied with an 'OFFMAN for +Governor?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Interesting to the Public.</b></p> + <p>There is a new envelope machine now in use in the Post-Office +Department at Washington, which will dispense with the use of TOOL(E)S.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/137.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A PRACTICAL (?) SUGGESTION.</b></p> + <p><i>Big Man to Little One</i>. "NOW THEN, HOSKINS, DON'T GO +INTO COURT ABOUT THIS MATTER, AND HAVE ALL YOUR WASH BILLS READ OUT BY +THE LAWYERS. JUST CATCH THE RASCAL AND GIVE HIM A GOOD SQUARE LICKING."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/138.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>"BUSINESS FIRST."</b></p> + <p><i>John Bull.</i> "GOT ALL THE ARMS YOU WANT?—ALL THE +AMMUNITION?—ALL THE COAL?"</p> + <p><i>France.</i> "YES, ALL."</p> + <p><i>J.B.</i> "AND YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING MORE FROM ME?"</p> + <p><i>France.</i> "NO."</p> + <p><i>J.B.</i> "THEN I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ME TO INTERFERE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SPIFFKINS.</b></p> + <p>MR. SPIFFKINS was a reporter upon a daily newspaper. The +reader is particularly requested to bear in mind that SPIFFKINS'S paper +was a <i>daily,</i> not a nightly one. MR. SPIFFKINS had never written +a line which, dying, he would wish to blot. In fact his "copy" was +always clean, and he used to say, since it was so easy to write a line +over again, where was the use in blotting it! The specific department +that Mr. SPIFFKINS attended to was "interviewing." Mr. SPIFFKINS chose +this department on account of having been born a gentleman, and of +having always moved in the very best society. Interviewing brought him +into contact with all sorts of distinguished people, with whom he +immediately made himself at home. On one occasion he made himself so +completely at home that the gentleman whom he was visiting +considerately pointed out the mistake, and then SPIFFKINS suddenly +remembered the distinction. Mr. SPIFFKINS was a man of great delicacy +of feeling and keen sense of honor. One day a man cut his throat from +ear to ear because his boarding-house-keeper would put ham into the +hash. The brother of the man called upon SPIFFKINS and requested him as +a favor to keep the thing out of his newspaper, as all the other +journals had promised to do so. SPIFFKINS gave the required promise, +and the next day SPIFFKINS'S paper was the only one that had mention of +the suicide. But then SPIFFKINS had no intention of hurting the +suicide's family's feelings. Not by any means. His only aim was to beat +the other newspapers and to serve his employers. SPIFFKINS wrote pure +English, his style—like that of other reporters—being noticeable for +its elegance and perspicuity. Thus, whenever SPIFFKINS had occasion to +use the word "memories," he invariably said "memories of the past," and +by this means made it plain that he meant no reference whatever to the +memories of the future. The force, originality, and beauty of his +epithets were remarkable. In his local reports suicides were always +"determined" suicides, and their acts were always "rash" acts. Among +purists in the use of words the employment of these adjectives has +always been considered a delightful and legitimate mode of +discriminating between people who kill themselves precipitately and +those who use a considerable amount of caution, and (so to speak) apply +strychnine with one hand and the stomach-pump with the other. SPIFFKINS +used to report fires, murders, and police doings generally in a quiet +and genteel manner, and by the Superintendent of Police he was as much +beloved for the goodness of his heart as he was by the city editor for +the goodness of his grammar. Once upon a time SPIFFKINS had the +opportunity of trying his hand at dramatic criticism, and adopted a +startlingly new system, which consisted simply in telling the truth. +The consequence was that his newspaper obtained a great reputation for +high moral tone, and lost all its theatrical advertisements. Even when +SPIFFKINS wrote an original American comedy of "contemporaneous human +interest" (and which had had a previous run in Paris of five thousand +nights), and that comedy was brilliantly rejected by a manager, +SPIFFKINS never went back on his system of telling the truth. Weaker +critics would have let up on that manager lest it should be thought +that they abused him because he refused their plays. But not so with +SPIFFKINS. <i>His</i> moral courage was too heroic to resort to so +mean a subterfuge as that, and to this day that manager believes that +the reason SPIFFKINS abused him is because he refused his play! +Sometimes SPIFFKINS threw a little light on subjects that were +generally misunderstood. For instance, he said that NILSSON was a +"charming mezzo-soprano," and declared that "RIP VAN WINKLE" was a more +delightful translation from the French than had been seen for many a +day. Occasionally SPIFFKINS eked out his salary by writing letters to +the provincial press. In this respect he was invaluable, because his +letters contained, about things in New York, information which never +appeared in the New York papers; so that when a Philadelphia family +takes the newspaper which SPIFFKINS corresponds with, that family is +fully posted upon everything which might just as well have happened +here as not. SPIFFKINS is too real a gentleman at heart to be much of +one in appearance. If his boots and manners are equally unpolished, I +know that his heart is in the right place—just where his pocket-book +is; and if his linen is dirty and his face unshorn, I feel certain that +his soul is clad in immaculate spiritual lawn, and that his better +nature is shaved close.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/139.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE MODERN "OLD KING COLE."</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He called for his pipe and he +called for his bowl,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And he called for his Fiddlers +three,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Von BISMARK, Von MOLKIE and Von +ROON,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For a merry old monarch was he.</span></center> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN TO H. WARD BEECHER.</b></p> + <p>The "Lait Gustice's" Advice to the Brooklyn Divine.</p> + <p>SKEENSBORO, Nye onto Varmont.</p> + <p>MY KLERGICAL FRIEND—Feelin it my duty to encourage a man when +he strikes the rite gait, I seize the goose-quil to set down and +scratch off a letter to you. I've heard you preach, and, to do the +square thing, I am constrained to say you've got talents into you, on +which to bild a first-class Dominy. My advice is, to let your talents +sintilate; don't undertake to hide 'em under a bushel of peanuts. Let +'em blaze, friend B.—let 'em blaze.</p> + <p>I dident notiss any bill-boards hangin about your mouth, savin +as how "Rooms was to let in your sky-lofts;" but contrary wise, it's my +opinion there haint a tenement house in New York which is packed fuller +of people than your figger-head is of slap-up idees. You haint afeard +to stand out baldly and face the sea of upturned red maskaline noses, +or hily-frizzled, gorgeously-got-up femilines, and skatter Fiseology +rite and left, not carin a pickaune who's hit or who haint.</p> + <p>A man who scores up as you do, is bound to win in the long +run, if he only keeps his eyes about him, and don't undertake to go it +blind.</p> + <p>Yoove got a futer ahead of you bigger'n a meetin-house. Keep +ploddin along in the evening tender of your way, and I predict you'l +ocupy a front rank among the clergy.</p> + <p>I, the lait Gustise, which has served his country for 4 yeer +as Gustise of the Peece, tells you so; and havin asshiated with a good +many big guns in my day, my profetic vision is as clear as Rine wine.</p> + <p>You haint much like a preacher I once useter sleep under.</p> + <p>We called him OLD CLOROFORM. His sermons were dredful soothin +to take.</p> + <p>Old Mother WINSLOW couldent play 2nd fiddle to his preachin, +and her sirop is better'n a club to put children to sleep. Why, friend +BEECHER, that ere minnister was warranted to talk a squallin young one +to sleep in 30 seconds.</p> + <p>When our Doctors had a leg to saw off, they always sent for +Dominy CLOROFORM to put the patient to sleep.</p> + <p>He dident preach "Rest for the weary" without practisin what +he preached, by makin his weary congregation rest like kittens.</p> + <p>But the old man has been scooped in, and our drug store has +gone up on cloroform.</p> + <p>His last words were:—</p> + <p>"Sweet sleepers, I go. I'le drug no more." And beneath the +mirtle, the Canada thistle, and the gooseberry-bush he rests, with the +follerin epitaff on his tombstun:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hee's +gone to rest, don't wake him up,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">His labors heer are ore;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He useter preach fokes fast to +sleep,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who entered his church-door.</span> + </div> + <p>Minnisters, in gettin hold of the public heart, resort to +different ways.</p> + <p>Some of 'em make love to the pretty little lambs of their flox +of the femail persuasion.</p> + <p>Others indulge freely in gin and milk, and get boozy, while +agin some others histe in mug after mug of lager beer, and then lay in +with some Bohemian to rite 'em up.</p> + <p>This gives 'em a popularity which $500 worth of paid-for +advertisements wouldent bring 'em. And their church stock goes up to +200 per cent. above par. Big crowds rush to hear the guzzlin divine +extort. And, sir! before you know it, that preacher is richer'n mud, +and just as likely as not, owns stock in a race-course or a lager-bier +brewery. Thus, as SHAKSPEER says:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Their +is a course somewhere which shapes</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our latter ends, ruff hue 'em</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">As we will. The only truble is to</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Find that course—and freeze to +it."</span> </div> + <p>But, Master B., don't imitate any of them ere stiles.</p> + <p>You soot me as you are.</p> + <p>You hain't one of them chaps, who believes that if a man wants +to be good, he must draw down his face, and look as if he had been +fetched up on chow-chow and cider vinegar.</p> + <p>Long faces don't make good fokes, which reminds me that <i>fine +feathers</i> don't allers make fine birds, especcially if it's a +broiled chicken full of <i>fine pin feathers</i>.</p> + <p>I notiss that in your sermons you handle polerticians and +bizziness men without gloves.</p> + <p>Between you and I, some of them store keepers and eatin house +chaps on Broadway, N.Y., go on the principle—give as little as they +can, for as much as they can squeeze out of their customers.</p> + <p>Up to DELMONICO'S you can buy an apple dumplin for $3.00, and +25 cents extra for a tooth-pick, while at some other places it costs a +man 1/2 a dollar to poke his head into a store door.</p> + <p>I went into an ice cream saloon on B'way last time I was in +N.Y.</p> + <p>They asked me 50 cents for a plate of ice cream.</p> + <p>When I was leavin, the proprieter accused me of stealin his +dish.</p> + <p>I indignantly scorned his vile insineration.</p> + <p>Next mornin, I was pickin out a holler tooth, when sumthing +hard struck my tooth-pick.</p> + <p>I pulled out my jack-nife, and dug it out. To my cerprise, the +missin dish came forth, which had been wedged into the cavity beneath a +75 cent piece of pie.</p> + <p>I notiss you draw big houses.</p> + <p>Outsiders grumble some, because they can't go into your church +and take the best seats, and crowd out regular pew-holders.</p> + <p>Let em grumble. I allers found out that when a man is gettin +up in the world, that, like carrion crows hoverin over a sick animal, +grumblers fly about him, lickin their chops and watchin a good +opportunity to scratch him ragged.</p> + <p>When you git off joaks and set your congregation to laffin, +don't it make you feel scrumpshus?</p> + <p>As a <i>Klergical humorist</i>, there is stamps in you.</p> + <p>But Ive writ more'n I expected when I sot down.</p> + <p>It would delite me and Mrs. GREEN to have you and your good +woman pay us a visit.</p> + <p>If you'l come, drop us a line, and we'l open the front parler +and invite in a few first families to give you a lively time.</p> + <p>I'l have a coat of white-wash put onto the bed-room walls. +White-wash makes a sleepin-room smell sweet. Besides it makes bugs dust +in a hurry. My old woman is a sweet white-washer. I'de bet odds, that +MARIAR can get over more territory, with a white-wash brush, than the +smartest committee of congresses ever appinted to cover up some dark +transaction.</p> + <p>Hopin these few lines will find you in apple-pie order, and +able to indulge in numerous frugal meals of hash etc., Ile now say <i>Adux</i>,</p> + <p>Ewers, Litterarily,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Extreme or Fashion.</b></p> + <p>It is announced by journals devoted to fashion, that trains +are to be worn even longer during the coming winter than they have yet +been. Coincidental with this, is the announcement made by sundry papers +that "a piece of calico a mile long has been manufactured in New +England." The Miss who gets this for a train will be as good as a Mile, +and such is the length, dear boys and girls, to which fashion may be +carried.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/141.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</b></p> + <p>"AT THE LAST <i>Bal Masqué</i> ON THE AVENUE. A +DISTINGUISHED SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN CREATED MUCH AMUSEMENT COSTUMED AS +'RECONSTRUCTION.'"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/142.jpg" alt=""> + <p>MR. BROWN HAS BEEN RECOMMENDED BY A FRIEND TO HAVE A LITTLE +GLYCERINE DROPPED INTO HIS EAR FOR DEAFNESS. BY MISTAKE HE PURCHASES +NITRO-GLYCERINE. RESULT.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO XII.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ride +a cock horse to Banbury Cross,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To see an old woman ride on a +white horse.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rings on her fingers and bells on +her toes,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">She shall have music wherever she +goes.</span> </div> + <p>The above verse commemorates an epoch in the Poet's lifetime. +He went to the Circus. A noteworthy event, when it is considered how +few Circuses there were in those days, and how seldom those few came +near enough to disturb the calm of an out-of-the-way country village. +Such a thing had never occurred before in his lifetime, nor within the +memory of the oldest inhabitant. All were therefore properly impressed +with the importance of the occurrence, and none more so than the +excitable, impressible, enthusiastic Poet. For days before the one +appointed to make the journey to the Market Town, he was in a great +state of excitement and hilarious pleasure, and with difficulty +controlled his inclinations to laugh, dance, and sing, and otherwise +gayly disport himself. The exuberance of his spirits caused no little +alarm to his family, who feared he was going mad with delight, and +endeavored in every possible way to quiet down the dangerous symptoms.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"In +vain did his mother command him to stop:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He only laughed louder and higher +did hop;"</span> </div> + <p>till at last, fearing the torrent could never be stemmed, she +thought to direct it in a less dangerous channel.</p> + <p>So, putting on her most insinuating expression she asked, "Why +don't you write a piece about the Circus? It might be real nice. Tell +all about the beautiful young lady on horseback, and the music, and the +ride over to Banbury, and everything you can think about. Come now, +that's a good boy; go and do that for your mother."</p> + <p>The deceived youth stared in amazement at the request. Such a +thing had never been heard before under that humble roof-tree. His own +mother actually telling him to write some poetry. Incredible! Instead +of laughing, and snubbing him as she usually did, positively telling +him to do the very thing she had so often forbidden,—the very thing he +had always been obliged to do under so many discouragements. The +thought took away his breath. That his talent was at length recognized +by his family was a matter of rejoicing, and springing up with a +cheerful cry, "I'll do it," he bounded up the back-kitchen stairs, and +was soon lost to sight amid the cobwebs of time.</p> + <p>The provident old lady, with a knowing look and sagacious +shake of the head, said, "He's safe for awhile, thank Heaven; now let +us have peace."</p> + <p>Let us follow the poet up-stairs and peep into that attic +chamber. The sanctum sanctorum of the writer. The visiting-place of the +Muses. The stable of Pegasus. There, in one corner, is a little cot +bed, with a single pillow, showing at once a privileged member of the +family; near its head an ancient wash-stand and a tin wash-basin, and +by its side a pail of water, with a tin dipper reposing quietly on its +surface. Nothing unnecessary, everything useful. By the window stands a +square pine table, spotted and streaked with ink, to match the floor, +which resembles in a homely way MARK TWAIN'S map of Paris on an +enlarged scale. Before that table, his head resting on his hands, his +eyes glaring on the paper, sits the immortal Bard whose lightest words +were to be remembered long after his name was forgotten.</p> + <p>The first in order of events in the journey to the Market +Town. The arrangements have all been made. He and TOM are to ride the +horse, while his mother and DICK ride the mare. There is no use telling +the world all the particulars, so he simply writes:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Ride +a cock horse to Banbury Cross."</span> </div> + <p>He doesn't care to mention that two intend to ride the cock +horse. If the world chooses to think only one rides him, let them think +so. He will write ambiguously if he wants to; there is no law to +prevent him from doing so.</p> + <p>"Now what is to be seen after getting there? His mother said a +beautiful lady on horseback, and splendid music. But that cannot be. +What! a beautiful young lady ride in public on horseback? She wouldn't +do such a thing. He knows too much for that. It must be some old woman; +and he writes accordingly:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"To +see an old woman ride on a white horse."</span> </div> + <p>She is to be gayly dressed, he has heard, and loaded with +diamond rings; but how about the music? Probably she has bells on her +toes; at least he will put it so, and then adds;—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Rings +on her fingers and bells on her toes."</span> </div> + <p>He thinks awhile longer. He sees in imagination the venerable +old dame riding around on the white horse, gayly dressed and +bespangled, the rings glistening, the bells ringing, and his sensitive +soul fancies it hears the wonderful music, and he knows that ever and +ever, so long as she rides,</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"She +will have music wherever she goes."</span> </div> + <p>He has become enraptured with the glowing vision, and now, as +he lays down his pen his eyes flash and his cheeks burn with poetic +fire. How happy his mother will be to hear the result of his +afternoon's labor! Rejoicing he descends, taking with him the precious +verse, and proudly begins to read it to his appreciative audience. +Falteringly he commences, but, warming with the subject, his spirits +rise, till at the last line he triumphantly waves the paper over his +head, looks around for applause, and sees----his mother lying on the +floor in a dead faint.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Pen and Sword.</b></p> + <p>"War to the knife!" is the cry of the Paris <i>Siècle</i>. +This is merely a cry from a Pen-knife, of course; but then it is sure +to be heard by the Butcher-knife.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Nurse Wanted.</b></p> + <p>We understand that there will shortly be a "Birth" at +WALLACK'S.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/143.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A BAD LOOK OUT.</b></p> + <p><i>Paterfamilias (reading).</i> "IT APPEARS FROM THIS PAPER +THAT TURKEY IS LIKELY TO BE ENTIRELY GOBBLED UP BY RUSSIA."</p> + <p><i>Alitmentive Youth.</i> "THEN WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT +THANKSGIVING DAY?"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN.</b></p> + <p><b>A THRILLING TALE.</b></p> + <p>WITH EXPLANATORY NOTES.</p> + <p>CHAPTER I.</p> + <p><i>Once.</i>—In serious literature you cannot be too exact. +You will notice that I say once, not twice or thrice, and you will find +that that is a very important point at once. Thus, you might put your +hand under a trip-hammer once, but not twice. You might take a trip on +a Mississippi steamer, or an Erie train, once. You might go to the +Legislature or Congress and be honest once. You might get a seat in a +horse-car once. You might be civilly treated by a public official once. +You might lend an umbrella, or indulge in the luxury of a lawsuit, or +persuade your better half that you are only tired when you are really +beery, once; but, I assure you, that your chance of doing any of those +things twice is decidedly slim. If you do any of them once and don't +find yourself in Greenwood, the alms-house, or matrimonial hot water, +retire on your laurels and let out the job.</p> + <br> + <p>CHAPTER II.</p> + <p><i>Upon a time.</i>—This is not a fairy tale, though it opens +in a very suspicious manner. It is a sad recital of facts. Upon a time +does not mean that any one sat down on a watch, or made himself +familiar with the town clock. It is not very specific, I admit. It may +refer to any time, but, I think, the design was to call attention to +Benedict's time. You know how it is yourself. You remember how often +you have stood on a dock, and seen the steamboat ten feet out in the +stream, or have struck a depot just as the train was rolling around a +curve in the distance, simply because you were not upon a time. Then, +as you walked on the dock or platform, you would strew your pathway +with—curses. But I do not mean anything of that sort. No, I refer to +something grander, nobler, more magnificent.</p> + <br> + <p>CHAPTER III.</p> + <p><i>There was.</i>—Here's explicitness! Here's directness! +Here's explanatoryness! In my pap days I learned that without a verb +there could not be a sentence, not even a judge's sentence. I know +"was" ain't much of a word all alone by itself, but then chuck it in +among a lot of other fellows, and how it does make them stand around. +And then it's so deliciously incomprehensible—there was. Mind you, it +don't say that the same thing isn't now. And, mind you, it don't say +whether it refers to the day before yesterday, or the commencement of +the Franco-Prussian opera bouffe, or our late unpleasantness, or the +beginning of the world, or before that. No, it can't go back of the +beginning, for before that there wasn't. Anyhow, it leaves you in such +a pleasant state of uncertainty that you very willingly pass on to.</p> + <br> + <p>CHAPTER IV.</p> + <p><i>A man.</i>—Here we arrive at something specific. "A +two-legged animal, who laughs." That definition excludes women, because +they giggle, or chuckle, or cachinnate. This expression is a very +general one; it includes a vast number of individuals. It even takes in +tailors, for, by a wise provision of Providence, the number of tailors +in this world at any one time is always a multiple of nine; so that you +can point to any nine of them and boldly say, a man. I am not sure that +this term does not include gorillas, for, by a wise provision of +Congress, they can at any time be made men and brethren. One advantage +about the subject of this chapter is this: it is never necessary to put +a head on it, as it is generally furnished with that appendage by +nature.</p> + <p>So endeth this thrilling tale. A sequel to it will be +published in the early part of the next century, entitled,</p> + <p>"THERE WAS ONCE A TIME UPON A MAN."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HORSE-CAR HUMBUGS.</b></p> + <p>The Horse-Car is an omnivorous animal, though its chief diet +is garbage, as our sense of smell has often proved to us.</p> + <p>The "people's coach" it has been called, but in misery's name, +I ask, must the whole public crowd into one coach? Yesterday, after I +had waited for a car the best part of the forenoon, it came crawling +along at snail-like pace, the horses fast asleep, and the driver gazing +vacantly into space, thoroughly exhausted in endeavors to wake them up.</p> + <p>I entered, and was thrust into one of two congealed rows of +mortality, which faced each other from opposite benches.</p> + <p>Then the people filled the passage; they crowded it to +suffocation; they piled on to the platforms in battalions; six wretches +depended from the hind brake; others were suspended from the top of the +car, with hands and feet thrust through the leathers, and two actually +balanced themselves around the driver's neck.</p> + <p>Fearful moans arose from the enormous mass of condensed +humanity; people panted for breath; they gasped, and rolled their eyes +in horrible frenzy, and still the conductor yelled fiercely, and with +demoniac leer:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And +thus his Voice rang through the stifling air,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Plenty of room in front, move +forward, there!"</span> </div> + <p>It was raining; parasols leaked into my shoes, soaking +water-proofs embraced me, and monstrous brogans crushed my feet to +chaos; then, umbrellas punched my eyes, out, jabbed holes in my hat, +and wrote hieroglyphics all over my shirt bosom, while baskets of meat +were deposited in my lap, and the intruding tail of a codfish roughly +slapped my face a dozen times.</p> + <p>In short, I emerged from that car ruined, wilted, and utterly +demoralized.</p> + <p>When I got home my wife didn't know me, and I could only prove +my identity by carefully scraping my feet, hanging up my hat, and +otherwise exhibiting the results of her superior disciplinary powers. +My hardest work, however, was to establish the fact that I hadn't been +rolled in the gutter, my rheumatic hobble, dilapidated aspect, and +blood-shot eyes telling fearfully against me.</p> + <p>The next time I ride in a horse-car, I shall take a private +hack.</p> + <p>S.R. DEEN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Con of the Period.</b></p> + <p>When this cruel war is over, and crowds of tourists rush to +see the place where LOUIS NAPOLEON surrendered, why will that place be +like BRYANT'S Minstrels?</p> + <p>Because such a lot of people will go to See DAN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Con from Our Correspondent in benighted Africa.</b></p> + <p>Why would CÆSAR have made a fine novelist?</p> + <p>Because he was a great Roman—Sir.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/144.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>HAD HIM THERE.</b></p> + <p><i>Brown.</i> "BET YOU FIFTY DOLLARS THE WAR IS OVER IN FRANCE +IN FIVE DAYS."</p> + <p><i>Smith.</i> "BET YOU A HUNDRED IT ISN'T."</p> + <p><i>Brown.</i> "SHELL OUT YOUR HUNDRED—THE WAR IS OVER THERE +NOW, ISN'T IT?—HA! HA! HA!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>LETTER FROM A SCHOOLMASTER.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: Respected Sir:—I am a schoolmaster, and in +investigating, for the benefit of my pupils (number limited; English +and classical courses; French and guitar extra; scholars bring their +own slippers and tooth-brushes; privileges of a home, etc., etc.), the +vast arena of Science, applied and unapplied, I have found that there +are many things that the world does not yet know. This may surprise +you, but it is nevertheless true. Through the medium of your valuable +journal I propose to give to the world, to which we all owe so much, a +few hints in regard to the deficiencies of Science, and thus place +these, my carefully nurtured ideas, at the service of my race.</p> + <p>It is to be presumed that there are but few persons who have +not observed the great benefits of <i>pruning</i> in the vegetable +kingdom. He who sits under the shade of his own vine and fig-tree (or +even those which are leased or rented) will find the shade and the +fruit of his vine and his tree greatly increased by judicious and +seasonable pruning. The theories of Science and the practice of +horticulturists have made this fact so potent that it is needless to +enlarge upon it now. But Science stops here. What she has given the +world, in respect to this important subject, is of far less value than +that of which she has deprived it, by her failure to carry her +investigations into the animal kingdom. With the exception of the +docking of horses' tails and the clipping of the ears of dogs, she has +done little or nothing in this respect, and it is much to be feared +that the great benefits of pruning, as applied to the human race, are +denied to the present generation; for we all know how difficult it is, +in the face of the dogged opposition of the masses, to inaugurate a +truly valuable reform. But it is my belief, and I have carefully +studied the subject in all its bearings, that the crowning gift of +Science to Man will be the system of PRUNING FOR CONSUMPTION.</p> + <p>When we consider how the strength of a weak and spindling tree +is augmented by the excision of some of its useless branches, we can +well understand that weak and spindling man may be strengthened and +invigorated by the amputation of one or more of his limbs. The sap, or +blood, which was before applied to the support and nourishment of this +excised limb, will now assist in the nourishment of the whole body, and +the man, like the tree, will become vigorous, stout, and healthy. In +proof of this, it is only necessary to consider the condition of those +soldiers, sailors, or civilians who have suffered the amputation of a +leg or arm. How plump and rosy they all appear! Is it not certain, +then, that instead of wasting their time and substance in Cod-liver oil +and trips to Minnesota and Florida, it would be far better for those +persons who may fancy themselves consumptive to repair to their +physician's abode, and request him to trim off an arm, a foot, or a +leg, according to the urgency of their symptoms? And if this first +pruning were found to be insufficient, the individual might be further +trimmed until his form was of a size and extent no greater than his +natural forces were capable of nourishing. When this result was +attained, the patient might expect to grow as vigorous and wholesome as +a properly pruned grape-vine or a dwarf pear-tree. Hoping, respected +Sir, that I have made myself intelligible to yourself and readers, and +that Science may take the valuable hints I have given her, I am</p> + <p>Yours truly,</p> + <p>ANDREW SCOGGIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>INCREDIBLE CREDULITY.</b></p> + <p>A CABLE despatch from Paris to PUNCHINELLO (cost $8.62) +announces that the editor of <b>La Verité</b> has been sent to +a cold and gloomy dungeon for publishing false news,—a warning to the +Sunny CHARLES, our well-beloved neighbor! But the most mysterious part +of the matter is, that this editorial Frenchman actually published this +false news upon the doubly dubious authority of the Chevalier WICKOFF! +Why, this gallant adventurer is so well known in New York that if he +should come into our sanctum and tell us that we had fallen heirs to a +neat fortune of $500,000, we shouldn't believe him for a moment.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A POSITIVE ANALOGY.</b></p> + <p>The Positivists of New York, at a recent meeting, passed +unanimously a set of resolutions, in one of which they spoke of King +WILLIAM of Prussia as the modern ATTILA. As an admirer of that fine old +barbarian, Mr. PUNCHINELLO protests against such a slanderous attack +upon his historic reputation. ATTILA and the hordes he led were honest +thieves, who made no hypocritical pretences to virtue in order to hide +their real motives. They were plunderers by profession, and were not +ashamed to openly proclaim it. ATTILA himself, like any high-minded +savage of his crew, would have quickly avenged, as an insult, any +attempt to ascribe to him another motive for his action than the pure +and simple desire for plunder: nor did he and his men pretend to lead +the Europe of their day in any of the branches of thought which go +towards making the culture of any country. The Positivists have great +faith in the historic method of analogy, and they are right in so +doing. But in using analogies it is just as well, if not better, to +have them analogies.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Peace In Preparation.</b></p> + <p>The new piece which, for the last few weeks, has been +announced as in preparation and shortly to appear in the Puppet Show of +the European Political Theatre has not yet been produced, and the +expecting spectators are asking why! The reason, however, is plain. The +wire pullers have been hard at work, but have been constantly thwarted +by finding that the wires which were effective with the imperial dolls +will have no effect upon the republican figures.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><big><b>A.T. STEWART & CO.<br> + <br> + </b></big></p> + <p>ABE NOW OFFERING</p> + <p>THE BALANCE OF THEIR</p> + <p>LARGE PURCHASES</p> + <p>CARTWRIGHT & WARNER'S CELEBRATED</p> + <p><big><big>Merino and Cashmere Undergarments, Hosiery, &c., +&c.,</big></big></p> + <p>AT PRICES WHICH HAVE</p> + <p> ATTRACTED SO MUCH</p> + <p> ATTENTION; AND THEY HAVE</p> + <p> ALSO ADDED A LARGE LINE</p> + <p> OF</p> + <p>THEIR OWN</p> + <p><b>VERY SUPERIOR QUALITY</b></p> + <p>OF</p> + <p>SIMILAR GOODS, AT PRICES TO CORRESPOND WITH THE ABOVE.</p> + <p><big>GENTS SHIRTS, COLLARS, CUFFS, SCARFS, TIES, GLOVES, +UMBRELLAS, LAP-RUGS, ETC., ETC.</big></p> + <p>CUSTOMERS AND STRANGERS ARE RESPECTFULLY INVITED TO EXAMINE.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>A.T. STEWART & CO.</b></big></p> + <p>ARE OFFERING BARGAINS IN</p> + <p><big>EMBROIDERED LACE</big></p> + <p>AND</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NOTTINGHAM CURTAINS.</p> + <p><big><b>PARIS GIMPURE CURTAINS,</b></big></p> + <p>SATIN DAMASKS,</p> + <p>BROCATELLES, TAPESTRIES,</p> + <p>FURNITURE COVERINGS.</p> + <p>CORNICES, GIMPS,</p> + <p>LOOPS, TASSELS, ETC.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY, Fourth Ave.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center><img src="images/146.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A NUT FOR MR. BERGH.</b></p> + <p><i>Policeman.</i> "PUT THE DORG AND THE RAT IN THE CAGE +TOGETHER, YOUNG MAN, AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT THERE. THE SIDE-WALK +MUSTN'T BE OBSTRUCTED."</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b><br> + <small>VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,<br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> + <small>Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span><br> +83 Nassau Street, New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b> </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="50%"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.<br> + <b>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</b><br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <b>ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b><br> + <small><b>WEEKLY PAPER,</b></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <b>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</b><br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small>Suitable for the paper, +and Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for +illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and +will be paid for liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned,<br> +unless postage stamps are inclosed.</small> </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">TERMS:</span><br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free<br> +upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50 </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <b>No 83 Nassau Street,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</b> </div> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>PROFESSOR JAMES DE MILLE,<br> + <br> + </big></big></p> + <p>Author of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"THE DODGE CLUB"</p> + <p>AND OTHER HUMOROUS WORKS,</p> + <p><b>Will Commence a New Serial<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>IN THE NUMBER OF</p> + <p> <big><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></big></p> + <p>FOR</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>JANUARY 7th, 1871,<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p>Written expressly for this Paper.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10144 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10144-h/images/131.jpg b/10144-h/images/131.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ce27e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/131.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/133.jpg b/10144-h/images/133.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20b6e94 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/133.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/134.jpg b/10144-h/images/134.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac0b888 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/134.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/135.jpg b/10144-h/images/135.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..818b32c --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/135.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/136.jpg b/10144-h/images/136.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..951fedc --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/136.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/137.jpg b/10144-h/images/137.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0a643a --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/137.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/138.jpg b/10144-h/images/138.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fdc7855 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/138.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/139.jpg b/10144-h/images/139.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a6fd67 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/139.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/141.jpg b/10144-h/images/141.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2550ee3 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/141.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/142.jpg b/10144-h/images/142.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b4d182 --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/142.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/143.jpg b/10144-h/images/143.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9f283d --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/143.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/144.jpg b/10144-h/images/144.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..023868f --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/144.jpg diff --git a/10144-h/images/146.jpg b/10144-h/images/146.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..af4861e --- /dev/null +++ b/10144-h/images/146.jpg |
