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diff --git a/old/10143-8.txt b/old/10143-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4d38ab --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10143-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2025 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917 + Or the London Charivari. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 20, 2003 [EBook #10143] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +JULY 11, 1917. + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"It is more dangerous to be a baby in London than a soldier in France," +said Mrs. H. B. IRVING at the National Baby Week Exhibition. The same +disability--namely, middle-age--has prevented us from taking up either +of these perilous _rôles_. + + *** + +L.C.C. tram-tickets, says a news item, are now thinner. Other means of +increasing the space available for passengers are also under +consideration. + + *** + +Over one thousand penny dreadfuls were found in the possession of a boy +of sixteen who was sentenced to three months' imprisonment for theft. +The commonplace nature of the sentence has disgusted the lad. + + *** + +The report that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN had signed a contract to serve in +the British Army at 1s. 1d. a day is denied. + + *** + +As an outcome of Baby Week the Anti-Comforter League has been formed. +The suggestion that Mr. HOGGE, M.P., would make an admirable first +President has not been followed up. + + *** + +Humanitarians who have been urging the Government not to stain its hands +with the more painful forms of reprisal, have received a nasty shock. A +German spy has been arrested in London! + + *** + +The rubber cushions of billiard tables are now being taken by the German +military authorities. Meanwhile the enemy Press continues to take its +cue from HINDENBURG. + + *** + +A notorious Petrograd anarchist is reported to be ill, and has been +ordered to take a complete rest by his doctor. He has therefore decided +not to throw any bombs for awhile at least. + + *** + +Further evidence of the Eastern talent for adopting Western ideas and +improving on them comes from China, where the EX-EMPEROR HSUAN TUNG has +celebrated Baby Week by issuing a decree announcing his return to the +Throne. + + *** + +"The only plumber, electrician, hot-water-fitter, gas-fitter, +bell-hanger, zinc-worker, blacksmith and locksmith we have left"--such +was an employer's description of a C1 workman. We understand that the +War Office will mobilise him as a special corps as soon as they can +think of a sufficiently comprehensive title for him. + + *** + +Several milkmen have reduced their prices from sixpence to fivepence. +Other good results from the timely rains are expected. + + *** + +A miner, fined one pound for wasting bread, was said to have thrown his +dinner--a mutton chop, onion sauce, and two slices of bread--on the fire +because he could not have potatoes. There is a strong feeling that the +Censor should prohibit publication of these glaring cases of hardship on +the ground that they are likely to encourage the Germans to prolong the +War. + + *** + +Large quantities of food have been carried off by a burglar from several +houses in the Heathfield district. Knowing our War bread, we are +confident that it did not give in without a struggle. + + *** + +We are sorry to find _The Globe_ making playful reference to the many +postponements of certain music-hall revues. Mr. Justice DARLING will +agree that these things cannot be postponed too often. + + *** + +"How can I distinguish poisonous from edible fungi?" asks a correspondent +of _The Daily Mail_. The most satisfactory test is to look for them. If +you find them they are likely to be poisonous. If they have been already +gathered they were probably edible. + + *** + +It is now admitted that the conscientious objectors undergoing sentence +at Dartmoor are allowed to have week-ends occasionally. This concession, +it appears, had to be granted as several of them threatened to leave the +place. + + *** + +The pessimists who maintain that this will be a long war are feeling +pretty cheap just now. An American scientific journal declares that the +world can only last another fifteen million years. + + *** + +Roughly speaking, says a weekly paper, there is a policeman for every +sixteen square miles. This gives them plenty of room to turn round in. + + *** + +It is reported that ex-KING CONSTANTINO is to receive £20,000 a year +unemployment benefit. + + *** + +We have heard so little of the Hidden Hand this past week or so that we +are tempted to ask whether it is suffering from writer's cramp. + + *** + +It is reported that three large jam factories have been commandeered by +the Military. A soldier writes to ask whether it is proposed to include +jam in the list of field punishments. + + *** + +"Justices cannot guarantee results to litigants in advance," said the +Willesden magistrate recently. Not without trespassing on the privileges +of the Bar. + + *** + +As a demonstration of allegiance to their country's cause the Apaches of +Northern America are to hold a great "Devil Dance" in Arizona. It only +needed this to convince us that all was well with America. + + *** + +A flask of wine of the year A.D. 17, found in a Roman tomb in Bavaria, +is said to be the oldest extant vintage. It antedates Sir FREDERICK +BANBURY'S brand of Toryism by several years. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOP. + +_Looker-on_. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE NEXT, CLARENCE,--ELECTRIC +SHAMPOO OR FACE MANICURED?"] + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ----, who has just entered her 192nd year, reads without + glasses, writes to her grandchildren fighting abroad, and knits + articles for King George's Military Hospital."--_Daily Express + (Dublin)_. + +Those grandchildren must be getting a little old for active service. + + * * * * * + +TINO IN EXILE. + + [As indicated on another page, TINO'S actual opinion of his + Imperial brother-in-law is probably not too amiable; but it has + to be disguised in his letters, which are liable to be censored + by his wife.] + + Thank you, dear William, I am fairly well. + The climate suits me and the simple life-- + No diplomats to spoil the scenery's spell, + And only faintest echoes of the strife; + The Alps are mirrored in a lake of blue; + Over my straw-crowned poll the blue skies laugh; + A waterfall (no charge) completes a view + Equal to any German oleograph. + + There are no bugle blares to make me jump, + But just the jodler calling to his kine; + A few good Teuton toadies, loud and plump, + More than suffice me in the _levée_ line; + And, when poor ALEXANDER, there in Greece, + Writes of your "agents" rounded up and sacked, + I am content with privacy and peace, + Having, at worst, retained my head intact. + + SOPHIE and I have thought of you a lot + (We have so very few distractions here; + We chat about the weather, which is hot, + And then we turn to talk of your career); + For rumour says this bloody war will last + Until the Hohenzollerns get the boot; + And through my brain the bright idea has passed + That you had better do an early scoot. + + Were it not wise, dear WILLIAM, ere the day + When Revolution goes for crowns and things, + To cut your loss betimes and come this way + And start a coterie of Exiled Kings? + You might (the choice of safe retreats is poor) + Do worse than join me in this happy land, + And spend your last phase, careless, if obscure, + With your devoted TINO hand-in-hand. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +MONSIEUR JOSEPH. + +On the day that I left hospital, with a month's sick leave in hand, I +went to dine at my favourite Soho restaurant, the Mazarin, which I +always liked because it provided an excellent meal for an extremely +modest sum. But this evening my steps turned towards the old place +because I wanted a word with Monsieur Joseph, the head-waiter. + +I found him the same genial soul as ever, though a shade stouter perhaps +and greyer at the temples, and I flatter myself that it was with a smile +of genuine pleasure that he led me to my old table in a corner of the +room. + +When the crowd of diners had thinned he came to me for a chat. + +"It is indeed a pleasure to see M'sieur after so long a time," said he, +"for, alas, there are so many others of our old clients who will not +ever return." + +I told him that I too was glad to be sitting in the comparative quiet of +the Mazarin, and asked him how he fared. + +Joseph smiled. "I 'ave a surprise for M'sieur," he said--"yes, a great +surprise. There are ten, fifteen years that I work in thees place, and +in four more weeks _le patron_ will retire and I become the proprietor. +Oh, it is bee-utiful," he continued, clasping his hands rapturously, "to +think that in so leetle time I, who came to London a poor waiter, shall +be _patron_ of one of its finest restaurants." + +I offered him my warmest congratulations. If ever a man deserved success +it was he, and it was good to see the look of pleasure on his face as I +told him so. + +"And now," said I presently, "I also have a surprise for you, Joseph." + +He laughed. "Eh bien, M'sieur, it is your turn to take my breath away." + +"My last billet in France, before being wounded," I told him, "was in a +Picardy village called Fléchinelle." + +He raised his hands. "Mon Dieu," he cried, "it is my own village!" + +"More than that," I continued, "for nearly six weeks I lodged just +behind the church, in a whitewashed cottage with a stock of oranges, +pipes and boot-laces for sale in the window." + +"It is my mother's shop!" he exclaimed breathlessly. + +I nodded my head, and then proceeded to give him the hundred-and-one +messages that I had received from the little old lady as soon as she +discovered that I knew her son. + +"It is so long since I 'ave seen 'er," said Monsieur Joseph, blowing his +nose violently. "So 'ard I work in London these ten, fifteen years that +only once have I gone 'ome since my father died." + +Then I told him how bent and old his mother was, and how lonesome she +had seemed all by herself in the cottage, and as I spoke of the shop +which she still kept going in her front-room the tears fairly rained +down his face. + +"But, M'sieur," said he, "that which you tell me is indeed strange; for +those letters which she writes to me week by week are always gay, and it +'as seemed to me that my mother was well content." + +Then he struck his fist on the table. "I 'ave it," he said. "She shall +come to live 'ere with me in Londres. All that she desires shall be +'ers, for am I not a rich man?" + +I shook my head. "She would never leave her village now," I told him. +"And I know well that she desires nothing in the world except to see you +again." + +Then as I rose to go, "Good night, M'sieur," said Joseph a little sadly. +"Be very sure that there is always a welcome for you 'ere." + +The next time that I dined at the Mazarin was some four weeks later, on +the eve of my return to the Front. A strange waiter showed me to my +place, and Joseph was nowhere to be seen. Indeed a wholly different air +seemed to pervade the place since my last visit. Presently I beckoned to +a waiter whom I recognised as having served under the old _régime_. +"Where is Monsieur Joseph?" I asked him. + +"Where indeed, Sir!" the man replied. "It is all so strange. One day it +is arranged that he shall take over the restaurant and its staff, and on +the next he come to say 'Good-bye' to us all, and then leave for France. +Oh, it is _drôle_. So good a business man to lose the chance that comes +once only in a life! He is too old to fight. Yet who knows? Maybe he +heard of something better out there...." + +As the man spoke the gold-and-white walls of the restaurant faded, the +clatter of plates and dishes died away, and I was back again in a tiny +village shop in Picardy. Across the counter, packed with its curious +stock, I saw Monsieur Joseph, with shirt-sleeves rolled up, gravely +handing a stick of chocolate to a child, and taking its sou in return. +In the diminutive kitchen behind sat a little white-haired old lady with +such a look of content on her face as I have rarely seen. + +Then suddenly I found myself back again in the London restaurant. + +"Yes," I said to the waiter, "it is possible, as you say, that Monsieur +Joseph heard of something better in France." + +And raising my glass I drank a silent toast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TUBER'S REPARTEE. + +GERMAN PIRATE. "GOTT STRAFE ENGLAND!" + +BRITISH POTATO. "TUBER ÜBER ALLES!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Crowd_. "WOULD YER LIKE TO GO TO HORSPITAL?"--"SHALL I +GET YER A DROP OF BRANDY?"--"DID YER SLIP ON THE BANANA-PEEL?" "DID YER +FALL?"--"ARE YER HURT, SIR?"--"SHALL I FETCH A DOCTOR?"--"IS THAT YOUR +HAT, SIR?" + +_Ex-Cabinet Minister_. "THE ANSWERS TO ONE, TWO, FIVE AND SIX ARE IN THE +NEGATIVE; TO THREE, FOUR AND SEVEN IN THE AFFIRMATIVE."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +You have all seen it in the latest V.C. list--"The Reverend Paul Grayne, +Chaplain to the Forces, for conspicuous bravery and gallant example in +the face of desperate circumstances." + +You have all pictured him, the beau-ideal of muscular Christian, the +Fighting Parson, eighteen hands high, terrific in wind and limb, with a +golden mane and a Greek profile; a Pekinese in the drawing-room, a +bull-dog in the arena; a soupçon of Saint FRANCIS with a dash of JOHN L. +SULLIVAN--and all that. + +But we who have met heroes know that they are very seldom of the type +which achieves the immortality of the picture post-card. + +The stalwart with pearly teeth, lilac eyes and curly lashes is C3 at +Lloyd's (Sir FRANCIS), and may be heard twice daily at the Frivolity +singing, "My Goo-goo Girl from Honolulu" to entranced flappers; while +the lad who has Fritzie D. Hun backed on the ropes, clinching for time, +is usually gifted with bow legs, freckles, a dented proboscis and a +coiffure after the manner of a wire-haired terrier. + +The Reverend Paul Grayne, V.C., sometime curate of Thorpington Parva, in +the county of Hampshire, was no exception to this rule. Æsthetically he +was a blot on the landscape; among all the heroes I have met I never saw +anything less heroically moulded. + +He stood about five feet nought and tipped the beam at seven stone +nothing. He had a mild chinless face and his long beaky nose, round +large spectacles, and trick of cocking his head sideways when +conversing, gave him the appearance of an intelligent little dicky-bird. + +I remember very well the occasion of our first meeting. I was in my +troop lines one afternoon, blackguarding a farrier, when a loud nicker +sounded on the road and a black cob, bearing a feebly protesting padre +upon his fat back, trotted through the gate, up to the lines and began +to swop How d'y'do's with my hairies. The little Padre cocked his head +on one side and oozed apologies from every pore. + +He hadn't meant to intrude, he twittered; Peter had brought him; it was +Peter's fault; Peter was very eccentric. + +Peter, I gathered, was the fat cob, who by this time had butted into the +lines and was tearing at a hay net as if he hadn't had a meal for years. + +His alleged master looked at me hopeless, helpless. What was he to do? +"Well, since Peter is evidently stopping to tea with my horses," said I, +"the only thing you can do is to come to tea with us." So I lifted him +down and bore him off to the cow-shed inhabited by our mess at the time +and regaled him on chlorinated Mazawattee, marmalade and dog biscuit. An +hour later, Peter willing, he left us. + +We saw a lot of the Padre after that. Peter, it appeared, had taken +quite a fancy to us and frequently brought him round to meals. The Padre +had no word of say in the matter. He confessed that, when he embarked +upon Peter in the morning, he had not the vaguest idea where mid-day +would find him. Nothing but the black cob's fortunate rule of going home +to supper saved the Padre from being posted as a deserter. + +He had an uneasy feeling that Peter would one day suddenly sicken of the +war and that he would find himself in Paris or on the Riviera. We had an +uneasy feeling that Peter would one day develop a curiosity as to the +Bosch horse rations, and stroll across the line, and we should lose the +Padre, a thing we could ill afford to do, for by this time he had taken +us under his wing spiritually and bodily. On Sundays he would appear in +our midst dragging a folding harmonium and hold Church Parade, leading +the hymns in his twittering bird-like voice. + +Then the spinster ladies of his old parish of Thorpington Parva gave him +a Ford car, and with this he scoured back areas for provisions and +threaded his tin buggy in and out of columns of dusty infantry and +clattering ammunition limbers, spectacles gleaming, cap slightly awry, +while his batman (a wag) perched precariously a-top of a rocking pile of +biscuit tins, cigarette cases and boxes of tinned fruit, and shouted +after the fashion of railway porters, "By your leave! Fags for the +firin' line. Way for the Woodbine Express." + +But if we saw a lot of the Padre it was the Antrims who looked upon him +as their special property. They were line infantry, of the type which +gets most of the work and none of the Press notices, a hard-bitten, +unregenerate crowd, who cared not a whit whether Belgium bled or not, +but loved fighting for its own sake and put their faith in bayonet and +butt. And wherever these Antrims went thither went the Padre also, his +harmonium and his Woodbines. I have a story that, when they were in a +certain part of the line where the trenches were only thirty yards apart +(so close indeed that the opposing forces greeted each other by their +first names and borrowed one another's wiring tools), the Padre dragged +the harmonium into the front line and held service there, and the +Germans over the way joined lustily in the hymns. He kept the men of the +Antrims going on canteen delicacies and their officers in a constant +bubble of joy. He swallowed their tall stories without a gulp; they +pulled one leg and he offered the other; he fell headlong into every +silly trap they set for him. Also they achieved merit in other messes by +peddling yarns of his wonderful innocence and his incredible +absent-mindedness. + +"Came to me yesterday, the Dicky Bird did," one of them would relate; +"wanted advice about that fat fraud of his, Peter. 'He's got an abrasion +on the knob of his right-hand front paw,' says he. 'Dicky Bird,' says I, +'that is no way to describe the anatomy of a horse after all the +teaching I've given you.' 'I am so forgetful and horsey terms are so +confusing,' he moans. 'Oh, I recollect now--his starboard ankle!' The +dear babe!" + +In the course of time the Antrims went into the Push, but on this +occasion they refused to take the Padre with them, explaining that +Pushes were noisy affairs with messy accidents happening in even the +best regulated battalions. + +The Padre was up at midnight to see them go, his spectacles misty. They +went over the bags at dawn, reached their objective in twenty minutes +and scratched themselves in. The Padre rejoined them ten minutes later, +very badly winded, but bringing a case of Woodbines along with him. + +My friend Patrick grabbed him by the leg and dragged him into a +shell-hole. Nothing but an inherent respect for his cloth restrained +Patrick from giving the Dicky Bird the spanking of his life. At 8 A.M. +the Hun countered heavily and hove the Antrims out. Patrick retreated in +good order, leading the Padre by an ear. The Antrims sat down, licked +their cuts, puffed some of the Woodbines, then went back and pitchforked +the Bosch in his tender spots. The Bosch collected fresh help and bobbed +up again. Business continued brisk all day, and when night fell the +Antrims were left masters of the position. + +At 1 A.M. they were relieved by the Rutland Rifles, and a dog weary +battered remnant of the battalion crawled back to camp in a sunken road +a mile in the rear. One or two found bivouacs left by the Rutlands, but +the majority dropped where they halted. My friend Patrick found a +bivouac, wormed into it and went to sleep. The next thing he remembers +was the roof of his abode caving in with the weight of two men +struggling violently. Patrick extricated himself somehow and rolled out +into the grey dawn to find the sunken road filled with grey figures, in +among the bivouacs and shell holes, stabbing at the sleeping Antrims. +Here and there men were locked together, struggling tooth and claw; the +air was vibrant with a ghastly pandemonium of grunts and shrieks; the +sunken road ran like a slaughter-house gutter. There was only one thing +to do, and that was to get out, so Patrick did so, driving before him +what men he could collect. + +A man staggered past him, blowing like a walrus. It was the Padre's +batman, and he had his master tucked under one arm, in his underclothes, +kicking feebly. + +Patrick halted his men beyond the hill crest, and there the Colonel +joined him, trotting on his stockinged feet. Other officers arrived, +herding men. "They must have rushed the Ruts., Sir," Patrick panted; +"must be after those guns just behind us." "They'll get 'em too," said +the Colonel grimly. "We can't stop 'em," said the Senior Captain. "If we +counter at once we might give the Loamshires time to come up--they're in +support, Sir--but--but, if they attack us, they'll get those guns--run +right over us." + +The Colonel nodded. "Man, I know, I know; but look at 'em"--he pointed +to the pathetic remnant of his battalion lying out behind the +crest--"they're dropping asleep where they lie--they're beat to a +finish--not another kick left in 'em." + +He sat down and buried his face in his hands. The redoubtable Antrims +had come to the end. + +Suddenly came a shout from the Senior Captain, "Good Lord, what's that +fellow after? Who the devil is it?" + +They all turned and saw a tiny figure, clad only in underclothes, +marching deliberately over the ridge towards the Germans. + +"Who is it?" the Colonel repeated. "Beggin' your pardon, the Reverend, +Sir," said the Padre's batman as he strode past the group of officers. +"'E give me the slip, Sir. Gawd knows wot 'e's up to now." He lifted up +his voice and wailed after his master, "'Ere, you come back this minute, +Sir. You'll get yourself in trouble again. Do you 'ear me, Sir?" But the +Padre apparently did not hear him, for he plodded steadily on his way. +The batman gave a sob of despair and broke into a double. + +The Colonel sprang to his feet, "Hey, stop him, somebody! Those swine'll +shoot him in a second--child murder!" + +Two subalterns ran forward, followed by a trio of N.C.O.'s. All along +the line men lifted their weary heads from the ground and saw the tiny +figure on the ridge silhouetted against the red east. + +"Oo's that blinkin' fool?" + +"The Padre." + +"Wot's 'e doin' of?" + +"Gawd knows." + +A man rose to his knees, from his knees to his feet, and stumbled +forward, mumbling, "'E give me a packet of fags when I was broke." "Me +too," growled another, and followed his chum. "They'll shoot 'im in a +minute," a voice shouted, suddenly frightened. "'Ere, this ain't war, +this is blasted baby-killin'." + +In another five seconds the whole line was up and jogging forward at a +lurching double. "And a little child shall lead them," murmured the +Colonel happily, as he put his best foot forwards; a miracle had +happened, and his dear ruffians would go down in glory. + +But as they topped the hill crest came the shrill of a whistle from the +opposite ridge, and there was half a battalion of the Rutlands +back-casting for the enemy that had broken through their posts. With +wild yells both parties charged downwards into the sunken road. + +When the tumult and shouting had died Patrick went in quest of the +little Padre. + +He discovered him sitting on the wreck of his bivouac of the night; he +was clasping some small article to his bosom, and the look in his face +was that of a man who had found his heart's desire. + +Patrick sat himself down on a box of bombs, and looked humbly at the +Reverend Paul. It is an awful thing for a man suddenly to find he has +been entertaining a hero unawares. + +"Oh, Dicky Bird, Dicky Bird, why did you do it?" he inquired softly. + +The Padre cocked his head on one side and commenced to ooze apologies +from every pore. + +"Oh dear--you know how absurdly absent-minded I am; well, I suddenly +remembered I had left my teeth behind." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "And what regiment are you in?" + +_The Sub._ "7th Blankshires. But I'm attached to the 9th Wessex." + +_Old Lady._ "Really! Now _do_ tell me why the officers get so fond of +regiments with aren't their own."] + + * * * * * + + "At Nottingham on Saturday the damages ranging from £7 10s. to + £3 were ordered to be paid by a number of miners for + absenteeism. It was stated that, although absolved from + military obligations by reason of their occupation, there had + been glaring neglect of responsibility, some men having lost + three ships a week."--_Western Morning News_. + +These mines are very tricky things. + + * * * * * + +THE AS. + +The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about +it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they +sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to +the vocabulary since August, 1914, that a glossary, and perhaps more +than one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of +this glossary it is almost impossible to read some of the numerous +novels of poilu life. + +So far as I am aware the latest creation is the infinitesimal word "as," +or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des carreaux" (to +give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. To-day all France, +with that swift assimilation which has ever been one of its many +mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. + +And what is this new "as"? I gather, without having had the advantage of +cross-examining a French soldier, that an "as" is an obscure hero, one +of the men, and they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but +do not get into the papers or receive medals or any mention in +despatches. We all know that many of the finest deeds performed in war +escape recognition. One does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and +D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses and all the other desirable tokens of +valour are conferred wrongly. Nothing of the kind. They are nobly +deserved. But probably there never was a recipient of the V.C. or the +D.S.O. or the Military Cross who could not--and did not wish to--tell +his Sovereign, when the coveted honour was being pinned to His breast, +of some other soldier not less worthy than himself of being decorated, +whose deed of gallantry was performed under less noticeable conditions. +The performer of such a deed is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not +public hero. But why ace of diamonds? That I cannot explain. + +The "as" can be found in every branch of the Army, and he is recognised +as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant. +Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be +numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying +anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of +these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that +chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A." + +All that I know of the "as" I have gathered from the French satirical +paper, a child of the War, _La Baïonette_. This paper comes out every +week and devotes itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette au Beurre_, +used to do, to one theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, +usually in the army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the +War steadily occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I +find recorded an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to +tell it here, very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before +the attack at Carency, and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, +for he was himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbé a +regiment was assembled, and to them spoke their Captain. The scene was +the yard of a farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure +heap in the middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two +American reapers and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a +thin predatory dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable +and now and then scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the +dwelling-house door; the old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, +drawn up, listening to their Captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all +hard-bitten, weary, all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, +and all ready to go on for ever. + +This is what the Captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking +calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen +the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant, +and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to +attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an +hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be +the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed +at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for +the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be +killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn, +according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at +Saida before the War. What will be left by the time you have reached the +point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a +lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold +it. Fall out." + +That captain was an "as." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OW D'YER LIKE BEING PUT ON TRANSPORT WORK, MATE?" +"BLIMEY! WHAT THE DOOCE MADE ME TELL 'EM I'D ONCE DRUV A DONKEY!"] + + * * * * * + +Domestic Intelligence. + + "Owing to doctor's orders Mrs. ---- has been obliged to cancel + all her engagements during Baby Week."--_Morning Paper_. + + * * * * * + +I STOOD AGAINST THE WINDOW. + + I stood against the window + And looked between the bars, + And there were strings of fairies + Hanging from the stars; + Everywhere and everywhere + In shining swinging chains, + Like rainbows spun from moonlight + And twisted into skeins. + + They kept on swinging, swinging, + They flung themselves so high + They caught upon the pointed moon + And hung across the sky; + And when I woke next morning + There still were crowds and crowds + In beautiful bright bunches + All sleeping on the clouds. + + * * * * * + +From a constable's evidence:-- + + "In his attempt to arrest her she threw herself on the ground + and tried to smack his face."--_Weekly Dispatch_. + +The long arm of the law resents such presumptuous rivalry. + + * * * * * + + "ALL KINDS OF DEVILS MADE TO ORDER. ---- & ----, + SHEFFIELD."--_The Ironmonger._ + +This looks uncommonly like an offer to trade with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wife (to warrior, whose politeness to the waitress has +been duly noted)_. "HUM! YOU SEEM TO 'AVE COME BACK 'ALF FRENCH."] + + * * * * * + +THE GIPSY SOLDIER + + The gipsy wife came to my door with pegs and brooms to sell + They make by many a roadside fire and many a greenwood dell, + With bee-skeps and with baskets wove of osier, rush and sedge, + And withies from the river-beds and brambles from the hedge. + + With her stately grace, like PHARAOH'S queen (for all her broken + shoon), + You'd marvel one so tall and proud should ever ask a boon, + But "living's dear for us poor folk" and "money can't be had," + And "her man's in Mespotania" and "times is cruel bad!" + + Yes, times is cruel bad, we know, and passing strange also, + And it's strange as anything I've heard that gipsy men should go + To lands through which their forbears trod from some unknown abode + The way that ended long ago upon the Portsmouth Road. + + I wonder if the Eastern skies and Eastern odours seem + Familiar to that gipsy man, as memories of a dream; + Does Tigris' flow stir ancient dreams from immemorial rest + Ere ever gipsy poached the trout of Itchen and of Test? + + Does something in him seem to know those red and arid lands + Where dust of ancient cities sleeps beneath the drifted sands? + Do Kurdish girls with lustrous eyes beneath their drooping lids + And Eastern babes look strangely like the Missis and the kids? + + I wonder if the waving palms, when desert winds do blow, + In their dry rustling seem to sing a song he used to know; + Or does he only curse the heat and wish that he were laid + Beneath the spread of RUFUS' oaks or Harewood's beechen shade? + + Well, luck be with the gipsy man and lead him safely home + To the old familiar caravan and ways he used to roam, + And bring him as it brought his sires from their far first abode + To where the gipsy camp-fires burn along the Portsmouth Road. + +C. F. S. + + * * * * * + + "The Premier's principal speech was made in St. Andrew's Hall, + where he was presented with the Freedam of the + City."--_Liverpool Post and Mercury._ + +Which he promptly passed on to the enemy. + + * * * * * + + "Skilled non-workers all over the Union have for some time been + in great demand, and enough of them are not available at the + present time."--_Rand Daily Mail_. + +There are still a few that the old country could spare. + + * * * * * + + "Rhode Island Red, 200 year old pullets, laying, 5s. + each."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +We fancy it must have been one of these veterans that we met at dinner +the other night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BRUSILOFF HUG. THE KAISER. "I'M ALL FOR +FRATERNISATION, BUT I CALL THIS OVERDOING IT."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 2nd._--On the Finance Bill Mr. BONAR LAW exhibited a +conciliatory disposition; and, indignantly disclaiming the character of +a kill-joy, made several welcome concessions to the taxpayer. The late +increase in the tobacco duty is to be halved, so that the modest smoker +may hope to fill his pipe for a penny less per ounce. This hope, of +course, is dependent upon the decision of the all-powerful Trust. + +[Illustration: NO KILL-JOY. MR. BONAR LAW.] + +The Entertainments Tax also is to be modified, chiefly in its higher +regions. Intimately connected with this question is the case of the +"deadhead," argued with the zeal that is according to knowledge by that +eminent playwright, Mr. HEMMERDE, who knows all about the free-list and +its services in "enabling the management to keep the house properly +dressed"--this refers, of course, to the front of the house--during the +doubtful first weeks of a new play. + +Mr. HOGGE was in his place again. It had been reported that, consequent +upon a hasty pledge to remain in Liverpool until his candidate was +returned, he was now doomed for ever to wander an unquiet sprite upon +the banks of Mersey. But he has wisely determined that Parliament must +not suffer to please his private whim. + +_Tuesday, July 3rd._--The House of Lords was crowded to hear Lord +HARDINGE'S comments upon the Mesopotamia Report. Even those critics in +the Commons who had declared that a civil servant should not take +advantage of his position as a peer to make a personal explanation +would, I think, have had no reason to complain of its character. His +object was not to defend himself, but to call attention to the splendid +services that India had rendered to the Empire during the War in other +fields than Mesopotamia. In his own phrase, "India was bled absolutely +white during the first few weeks of the War." + +When the report comes up for formal discussion Lord CURZON will +doubtless have something to say, and will say it in vigorous fashion. +To-day, with the air and mien of a highly respectable undertaker, he +contented himself with acknowledging Lord HARDINGE'S contribution and +deprecated further debate. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL, safely back from his travels, does not appear to have +kept himself up to date in the interval, for he was ignorant of the +refusal of the Allies to allow Greece to set up a republic, although Mr. +KING, with his superior sources of information, knows all about it. + +[Illustration: PARENTAL PRIDE. LORD DERBY.] + +At the close of Questions a stalwart young man in khaki advanced to the +Table, and, amid the cheers of the Members and to the obvious delight of +Lord DERBY, who sat beaming with parental pride in the Peers' Gallery, +added the signature "STANLEY" to a roll which has rarely been without +that name since "the Rupert of debate" signed it there close on a +hundred years ago. + +Excess profits provided the theme for some lively speeches to-day. Major +HAMILTON did not see why farmers should escape the tax, and instanced +the case of a potato-grower who had made ten thousand pounds out of a +couple of hundred acres. Several Members connected with the shipping +interest protested against the tax. Mr. LEIF-JONES implied that it was +more disastrous than the U-boats, and Mr. HOUSTON loudly protested at +being represented as a harpy. + +By these complaints Mr. BONAR LAW was absolutely unmoved, and for very +good reason. He had himself a few thousands invested in shipping, and, +as he was getting about fifty per cent., instead of the modest five per +cent. which he had anticipated, he had come to the conclusion that even +under present conditions the trade was doing pretty well. After this +confession of an involuntary profiteer the tax was agreed to. But the +farmers, with next year's Budget in view, are praying that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR will not invest his surplus profits in land. + +_Wednesday, July 4th_.--We all know the ex-poacher-turned-game-keeper. +The converse process has taken place in the case of Lord PORTSMOUTH, +who, when he ceased to be a Minister of the Crown, became a bitter +critic of successive Administrations. His complaints of our blockade +policy were frigidly acknowledged by Lord MILNER and hotly resented by +Lord LANSDOWNE, upon whom Lord PORTSMOUTH'S ruddy beard always has a +provocative effect. It is all very well to talk of being ruthless to +neutrals, but if we had adopted the noble lord's policy early in the War +would the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes be to-day floating side +by side all over London? + +Mr. LYNCH'S latest suggestion for the furtherance of his Republican +propaganda is that the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS should remove from the +streets all statues of deceased monarchs, and replace them by those of +great leaders of thought. Sir ALFRED MOND absolutely refused. The worst +kings sometimes make the best statues, and he is not prepared to +sacrifice JAMES II. from the Admiralty even to put Mr. LYNCH himself on +the vacant pedestal. + +"P. R." came up smiling for another round, and, having secured the +services on this occasion of Mr. ASQUITH as judicious bottle-holder, was +expected to make a good fight of it. The EX-PREMIER scouted the notion +that the new plan of voting would fill the House with freaks and +faddists, a class from which, he hinted, it is not, even under present +conditions, entirely immune. But the majority evidently felt that there +could not be much amiss with a system which had returned such wise and +patriotic persons as themselves to Parliament, and they outed P. R. by +201 to 169. + +_Thursday, July 5th_.--It is hardly surprising that the Government has +decided not to proceed at present with its great scheme of nationalizing +the liquor-traffic. The announcement that, in order to meet the +requirements of the harvest-season, the brewers should be allowed to +increase the output of beer by one-third, brought a swarm of hornets +about the CHANCELLOR'S head. Mr. LEIF-JONES (irreverently known as +"Tea-leaf JONES") was horrified at the thought that more grain and sugar +should be diverted to this pernicious liquid; Mr. DEVLIN and other +champions of the trade were almost equally annoyed because the +harvest-beer was to be of a lower specific gravity. The storm of +"supplementaries" showed no sign of abating, until the SPEAKER, who +rarely fails to find the appropriate phrase, remarked upon "This thirst +for information," and so dissolved the House in laughter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gunner (home on leave)_. "WAITER, MY NEIGHBOUR'S EFFORTS +WITH HIS SOUP (BY THE WAY, I'M SURE HE OUGHT TO BE INTERNED) ARE MORE +THAN I CAN BEAR. WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME BY ASKING THE BAND TO PUT UP A +BARRAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WEARY WATCHER. + + ["Almost exactly a month ago--on May 30th--I advised my readers + to 'Watch Karolyi,' and now I emphasize the advice."--_"The + Clubman" in The Evening Standard, July 2nd_.] + + Since very early in the War + My Mentors in the Press + Have never failed in warning me, + By way of S.O.S., + To keep my eye on So-and-So + In times of storm and stress. + + I think that WINSTON was the first + Commended to my gaze, + But very soon I found my eyes-- + Tired by the limelight's blaze-- + Incapable of following + His strange and devious ways. + + I watched the PRESIDENT and thought + (Unjustly) he was canting; + I watched our late PRIME MINISTER + When furious scribes were ranting, + And vigilantly bent my looks + On HARDEN and on BRANTING. + + I watched JONESCU, also JONES + (Great KENNEDY) and HUGHES; + I sought illumination from + BILLING'S momentous views; + I watched Freemasons, Socialists, + And Salonica Jews. + + And lately with emotions which + Transcend the power of rhymes + I've scanned with reverential eye + Those highly-favoured climes + Ennobled by the presence of + The ruler of the T***s. + + I've glued my eye on seer and sage, + On Mecca's brave Sherif; + I've fastened it on what's-his-name, + The famed Albanian chief, + Till, wearying of the watcher's task, + At length I crave relief. + + So when I'm bidden at this stage + To start the game anew + And keep KAROLYI constantly + And carefully in view, + I think I'm wholly justified + In answering, "Nah Poo!" + + * * * * * + +AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT. + + "Dundee," said one of its leading citizens at the luncheon, + "will stand by Mr. Churchill to the last letter."--_Daily + Chronicle_. + +Evidently "l" itself would not sever Mr. CHURCHILL'S connection with his +old friends. + + * * * * * + + "$20 buys a horse, good in his wind, if sold at + once."--_Canadian Paper_. + +Better not wait for his second wind. + + * * * * * + + "Coow wanted, first week in August, for Lads Brigade Camp, 120 + Lads; must be used to Field kitchens." + +It looks like being "bad for the coow." + + * * * * * + +GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS. + +WAR WORK. + +War work is what wimmen do when their arnt enuff men. Or men do it too +sometimes if they are rather old and weak and cant be soldiers, but it +is mostly wimmen. Some war work you get paid for but some you don't. It +just depens whether you are rich and do V A D or poor and do munisions +and things. V A D means something but I forget what. My brother says it +means Very Active Damsles but you cant beleive him, and anyway no one +talks of damsles nowydays besept in potry. If you are a V A D you have +to do as your told just like a soldier but Daddy says they don't do it +always, and Mummy says its because they all know a better way than the +other persons. But then they don't cost anything so the hospitle people +don't mind much. If you do munisions or are a bus conductor you do get +paid so you maynt talk so much or you would get sent away. If I dident +have to go to scool I would love to be a bus conducter and go rides for +nothing. + +PHYLLIS BLAKE (age 10). + + * * * * * + +MY FAVRIT HERO. + +A Hero is a man you agmire teribly much or he can be in a book. It is +rather dificult to say who is my favrit Hero. There are such a lot of +them. Some are lord French genrel Maud King Albert and the VCs. When I +was litle I use to think the man who fed the Lions at the zoo was the +most bravest man in the wurld but that was ever so long ago before the +War. I don't no very much about King Albert and the Others so I wont +rite about them. I will rite about lord French. I agmire him most +awfuly. I saw him once. He was coming from the camp were my Brother was +and he smiled at me quite on perpose. But he doesent no me realy and +praps that wont show he is a Hero. But he is one all the same becos he +had only a weeny litle Army at the Begining of the war and he helped +them to hold tite until more Men came. Or the Germans would have wun. He +was only sir then now he is a lord. + +MOLLY PRITCHARD (age 7-1/2). + + * * * * * + +"Berlin declares that the Russians have begun an offensive which extends +from the Upper Stokhod to Stanislau, a distance of over 125 +metres."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +Never believe what Berlin says. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MRS. POMEROY'S REPUTATION." + +Candour (subacid virtue) compels me to set down that there was nothing +very notable or novel about the manipulation, by Messrs. HORACE ANNESLEY +VACHELL and THOMAS COBB, of the comedy of needless complications +entitled _Mrs. Pomeroy's Reputation_. The occasion was chiefly notable +for the return of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH to active service and the welcome +she was given by her splendidly loyal following. + +_Sir Granville Pomeroy_, childless head of an odious family, has designs +on, and for, the son of his brother's pretty widow, he suspecting her to +be no fit and proper person to bring up a young _Pomeroy_. And indeed +three short months after her husband's death she played bridge, bought a +kimono and an expensive carpet, and, it is said, even flirted. Why such +recklessness? Well, she discovered a stray daughter of her sainted +husband. The irregular mother died, and of course solid _Mrs. Pomeroy_ +with the bubble reputation did the handsome thing, and shut her mouth +until the fatal moment in the Third Act, when it all came out. Whereby +and wherein she discovered that the philandering _Vincent Dampier_ could +trust where the solemn _Maurice Randall_ could not. As a side issue the +blameless baronet had a little goose to wife, who went to _Dampier's_ +Maidenhead bungalow and fell into the river. Elaborate lies to explain +quite simple situation to fool anxious to believe the worst. Moral: +Never lie to save a little goose. + +[Illustration: LETTICE AND IMPROMPTU DRESSING. + +_Lettice_ MISS LETTICE FAIRFAX. +_Georgina_ MISS VIOLET VANBRUGH. +_Vincent Dampier_ MR. FRANK ESMOND.] + +Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH was patently nervous with her part, a little jerky +and restless. She needn't have been. Loyalty would have carried her +through a duller play, to say nothing of her charming looks and her +queenly way of wearing a beautiful gown. Mr. LOWNE, as the baronet, made +effective play with a quite impossible part in a quite futile situation, +and held the reflector up to the best Mayfair Cockney with "_Georginar_ +explains." He needn't apologise; we know it's true to life! The piece of +acting that most cheered me was Mr. GRAHAME HERINGTON as the +philanderer's manservant--a very tactful and observant performance. Mr. +FRANK ESMOND, the philanderer, seemed ill at ease (partly art but partly +nature, I judged, perhaps unjustly). Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX as the little +goose was what I believe is known as adequate. + +T. + + * * * * * + +The Food Shortage. + +Letter received by a schoolteacher:-- + + "Dear Miss,--Will you please let Sam out about 20 minutes to 12 + o'clock. His Granma is undergoing an operation this morning and + I want Sam for dinner. + + Yours truly, Mrs. ----." + + * * * * * + +From a report of the British Music Convention:-- + + "'How the British piano can raise the trade to Imperil dignity' + was the subject of an address."--_Scotsman_. + +We hope the British piano will resist the temptation. + + * * * * * + + "Portobello's dressing boxes for lady bathers are practically + ready. There are fifteen boxes at the Band Stand enclosure, + very much resembling ballot boxes in size, shape, and + material."--_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_. + +A happy thought to prepare the new voters for taking the plunge. + + * * * * * + + "The members of the Cabinet occupied specially reserved seats + in the choir and lectern, where also the Lord Mayor was + seated."--_Scotsman_. + +A little hard on the eagle. + + * * * * * + +From a cinema advertisement:-- + + "Actual Scenes of our Local Charming Cheddar Valley and the + Beautiful West of England Coast Scenery, also predicting those + Glorious Sunset Scenes that made Sir Alfred Turner + 'famous.'"--_West Country Paper_. + +The General _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the weather has cleared, but the record according to a + correspondent who, signing himself the 'oldest inhabitant,' has + recently written to the press, stating that in 1178 there was + snow on Simla on 14th April, has now been easily + beaten."--_Rangoon Times_. + +The oldest inhabitant, however, is still undefeated. + + * * * * * + +MY CUTHBERT. + +For months I had been chasing Cuthbert. I had a store of withering +phrases burning to be poured over his unmentionable head. Last Tuesday +my opportunity arrived. + +A stranger was sitting comfortably in a deck-chair watching the vacant +courts at the tennis club. His keen bronzed face and his obviously +athletic body, clothed in white flannel, brought back to me the far days +when the sharp clean crack in the adjoining field told of a loose one +which had been got away square. + +I looked at him again and thought how glad he must be to get into mufti +for a few days. I tell you this to show how unprejudiced I was. The only +other signs of life were the two super-aborigines who inhabit the +croquet patch and detest all other mankind. I approached one of them +warily and asked a question. He regarded me with a bilious and +suspicious eye. + +"Nothing whatever to do with the Army," he snapped, and a Prussian-blue +opponent was smacked off into an arid and hoopless waste. + +"Ah!" I exclaimed, "then he's only a rabbit after all." + +The old thing gave me an unfriendly glance and then missed his hoop +badly. I strolled across and sat down beside the newcomer. He smiled at +me in a frank and disarming manner. + +"What do you think of our courts?" I said by way of a start. + +"Top-hole," he replied; "I'm looking forward to some jolly games on +'em." + +His obvious disregard of perspective annoyed me. In our village, tennis +is now played for hygienic reasons only. + +"I'm afraid we can't offer you much of a game," I said. "You see there's +a war on, and--but perhaps I can fix up a single for you after tea with +old Patterby. I believe he was very hot stuff in the seventies." + +"That's very good of you. I expect he'll knock my head off; I'm no use +at the game yet." + +He spoke as though an endless and blissful period of practice was in +front of him. + +"I suppose you'll be going back soon?" + +"Back where?" + +"I mean your leave will be up." + +"Oh, I'm out of a job just now." + +So it was genuine blatant indifference. I looked round for something +with which to slay him. + +"I wonder," he said thoughtfully, "if I shall ever find my tennis legs +again." + +"Have you lost them?" I asked sarcastically. + +"I'm afraid so--er--that is, of course, only one of them really." + +"Only one of them?" I repeated vaguely. + +"Yes, Fritzie got it at Jutland; but these new mark gadgets are +top-hole. I can nearly dance the fox-trot with mine already." + +He stretched out the gadget in question and patted it affectionately. + +The ensuing moment I count as the worst one I have ever known. I had +forgotten the Navy. My only excuse is that nowadays, owing to its urgent +and unadvertised affairs, we seldom have an opportunity in our village +of meeting the Senior Service. But I feel convinced that the irascible +Methuselah on the croquet ground was purposely and maliciously guilty of +_suppressio veri_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OLE BILL SEZ 'E 'ARDLY NEVER SEES 'IS MISSUS NAH." + +"OH! 'OW'S THAT, THEN?" + +"COS SHE'S ALL MORNIN' AN' ARTERNOON IN A SUGAR CUE, AND 'E'S ALL +EVENIN' IN A BEER CUE."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, good Man, to cut, make, and trim + specials."--_Yorkshire Paper._ + +In Yorkshire the new policeman's lot doesn't seem to be a very happy +one. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The German CROWN PRINCE and Ex-King CONSTANTINE._) + +_Crown Prince_. My poor old TINO, you are certainly not looking +yourself. Have a drink? + +_Tino._ No, thank you. I really don't feel up to it. + +_C. P._ But that's the moment of all others when you ought to take one. +It's good stuff too--bubbly wine out of the cellar of one of my French +châteaux. Come, I'll pour you out a glass. + +_Tino._ Well, if I must I must (_drinks_). Yes, there's no fault to be +found with it. + +_C. P._ You're looking better already. Now you can tell me all about it. + +_Tino_ (_bitterly_). Oh, there's not much to tell, except that I was +lured on by the promise of help, and when the crisis came there was no +help, and so I had to go. + +_C. P._ (_humming an air_). + + And so, and so + He had, he had to go. + +_Tino_. I beg your pardon. + +_C. P._ Sorry, old man, but the words fitted into the tune so nicely I +really couldn't resist trying it. Fire ahead. + +_Tino_. I said, I think, that I was promised help. + +_C. P._ Yes, you said that all right. + +_Tino_. And I added that there was no help when the trouble came. + +_C. P._ You said "crisis," not "trouble," but we won't insist on a +trifle like that. Who was the rascal who broke his promise and refused +to help you? + +_Tino_. You know well enough that it was your most gracious father. + +_C.P._ What! The ALL-HIGHEST! The INMOSTLY BELOVED! The +BEYOND-ALL-POWERFUL! Was it really he? And you believed him, did you? +What a cunning old fox it is, to be sure. + +_Tino_. You permit yourself to speak very lightly of the AUGUST ONE, who +also happens to be your father. + +_C. P._ To tell you the truth, I don't take him as seriously as he takes +himself. Nobody could. + +_Tino_. After what has happened I certainly shall not again. It's +entirely owing to him that I've lost my kingdom and that the hateful +VENIZELOS is back in Athens and that ALEXANDER is seated on my throne. +If your beloved father had only left me alone I should have worried +through all right. + +_C. P._ I always tell him he tries to do too much, but he's so +infatuated with being an Emperor that there's no holding him. You know +he's absolutely convinced that he and the Almighty are on special terms +of partnership. + +_Tino_. I've done a bit myself in that line and I know it doesn't pay. + +_C. P._ I daresay I shall do it when my time comes. + +_Tino_. If it ever comes. + +_C. P._ If it depended on me alone things would go all right. I'm told +the people like me, and even the Socialists swear by me. + +_Tino_. How can you believe such nonsense? I tried to act on that +principle and here I am. And poor Russian NICKIE has had an even worse +fall--all through believing he had the people on his side. + +_C. P._ Well, but I _know_ they're all fond of me; but my All-Highest +One may get knocked out before I get my chance, and may carry me down +with him. + +_Tino_. Well, we must try to bear up, even if he should go the way +NICKIE has gone. In the meantime the War doesn't look particularly +promising, does it? + +_C. P._ It certainly doesn't; and the Americans will be at our throats +directly. Do you know, I never thought very much of HINDENBURG. + +_Tino_. I suppose you know someone who is younger and could do it much +better. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMEWHERE UP NORTH. + +_Naval Officer (to native)_. "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE GOLF COURSE IS?" + +_Native_. "YOU'RE ON THE FIRST GREEN THE NOO. YON'S THE FLAG OWER THE +BACK O' THAT STANE."] + + * * * * * + + "The difference between the classical Arabic and the colloquial + is far greater than that between the Greek of Cicero and the + Greek of, let us say, M. Gounaris."--_The Near East_. + +Of course there is also the difference of accent. CICERO spoke Greek +with a slight Roman accent and M. GOUNARIS speaks it with a strong +German one. + + * * * * * + + "Two van-loads of shrapnel bullets were stopped by detectives + in Prospect Street, Rotherhithe."--_Morning Paper_. + +Tough fellows, these detectives. Stopping a single bullet would put most +men out of action. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Cottage or two Double-bedded Rooms, in country river, + 20-30 miles from Birmingham, first fortnight of + August."--_Daily Post (Birmingham)_. + +So convenient for friends to drop in. + + * * * * * + + "If the latest air raid does not make the British bull-dog show + his talons in a way that we have up till now wished he might + never do, well nothing will."--_Berwick Journal_. + +With his new pedal equipment the British bull-dog should give the German +eagle pause. + + * * * * * + +We are asked to state that a recently published work on _Beds and Hunts_ +(METHUEN) is not a companion-volume to _Minor Horrors of War_. + + * * * * * + +TO THE MEN WHO HAVE DIED FOR ENGLAND. + + All ye who fought since England was a name, + Because Her soil was holy in your eyes; + Who heard Her summons and confessed Her claim, + Who flung against a world's time-hallow'd lies + The truth of English freedom--fain to give + Those last lone moments, careless of your pain, + Knowing that only so must England live + And win, by sacrifice, the right to reign-- + Be glad, that still the spur of your bequest + Urges your heirs their threefold way along-- + The way of Toil that craveth not for rest, + Clear Honour, and stark Will to punish wrong! + The seed ye sow'd God quicken'd with His Breath; + The crop hath ripen'd--lo, there is no death! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LINKS BEING DEVOTED TO ALLOTMENTS, MR. AND MRS. +BUNKER-BROWNE PRACTISE APPROACH SHOTS, WITH THE IDEA OF FILLING THEIR +BASKET WITH POTATOES AT THE SAME TIME.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Marmaduke_ (HEINEMANN) has this peculiarity, that the title rôle is by +no means its most important or interesting character. Indeed it might +with more propriety have been called _Marrion_, since hers is not only +the central figure in the plot, but emphatically the one over which Mrs. +F. A. Steel has expended most care and affection. Moreover the untimely +death of _Marmaduke_ leaves _Marrion_ to carry on the story for several +chapters practically single-handed. I am bound to say, however, that at +no stage did she get much help from her colleagues, all of whom--the +gouty old father and his intriguing wife, the faithful servant, even +debonair _Marmaduke_ himself--bear a certain air of familiarity. But if +frequent usage has something lessened their vitality, _Marrion_ is a +living and credible human being, whether as daughter of a supposed +valet, adoring from afar the gay young ensign, or as the unacknowledged +wife of _Marmaduke_ and mother of his child, or later as an army nurse +amid the horrors of Crimean mismanagement. Later still, when the long +arm of coincidence (making a greater stretch than I should have expected +under Mrs. Steel's direction) brought _Marrion_ to the bedside of her +parent in a hospital tent, and converted her into a Polish princess, I +lost a little of my whole-hearted belief in her actuality. There are +really two parts to the tale--the Scotch courtship, with its intrigues, +frustrated elopements, _et hoc genus omne_; and the scenes, very +graphically written, of active service at Varna and Inkerman. I will not +pretend that the two parts are specially coherent; but at least Mrs. +Steel has given us some exceedingly interesting pictures of a period +that our novelists have, on the whole, unaccountably neglected. + + * * * * * + +_The Experiments of Ganymede Bunn_ (HUTCHINSON) is like to command a +wide audience. Its appeal will equally be to the lovers of Irish scenes, +to those who affect stories about horses and hunting, and to the +countless myriads who are fond of imagining what they would do with an +unexpected legacy. It was this last that happened to _Ganymede_, who was +left seventeen thousand pounds by an aunt called _Juno_ (the names of +this family are not the least demand that Miss Dorothea Conyers makes +upon your credulity). My mention of horses and Ireland shows you what he +does with his money, and where. It does not, however, indicate the +result, which is a happy variant upon what is usual in such cases. You +know already, I imagine, the special qualities to be looked for in a +tale by Miss Conyers--chief among them a rather baffling inability to +lie a straight course. If I may borrow a metaphor from her own favourite +theme, she is for ever dashing off on some alluring cross-scent. More +important, fortunately, than this is the enjoyment which she clearly has +in writing her stories and passes briskly on to the reader. There's a +fine tang of the open-air about them, and a smell of saddle-leather, +that many persons will consider well worth all the intricacies of your +problem-novelists. I had the idea that her honest vulgar little legatee +and his speculations as a horse-breeder might make a good subject for a +character-comedian; but I suppose the late LORD GEORGE SANGER is the +only man who could have produced the right equine cast. + + * * * * * + +The component elements of _The White Rook_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) may be +summarised in the picturesque argot of Army Ordnance somewhat as +follows: Chinamen, inscrutable, complete with mysterious drugs, one; +wives, misunderstood, Mark I, one; husbands, unsympathetic (for purposes +of assassination only), one; _ingénues_, Mark II, one; heroes, one; +squires, brutal, one; murders of sorts, three; ditto, attempted, +several. The inscrutable one is responsible for all the murders. Only +the merest accident, it seems, prevents him from disposing of the few +fortunate characters who survive to the concluding chapters of the +story. He narrowly misses the misunderstood wife (now a widow, thanks to +his kind offices), and his failure to bag the hero and _ingénue_ +(together with a handful of subsidiary characters) is only a matter of +minutes. There is almost a false note about the last chapter, in which +the Oriental commits suicide before he has completed his grisly task; +but it was obviously impossible for anyone in the book to live happily +ever after so long as he remained alive. Just how Mr. HARRIS BURLAND and +the villainous figment of his lively imagination perform these deeds of +dastard-do is not for me to reveal. The publishers modestly claim that +in the school of WILKIE COLLINS this author has few rivals. As regards +complexity of plot the claim is scarcely substantiated by the volume +before me; but if bloodshed be the food of fiction Mr. BURLAND may slay +on, secure in his pre-eminence. + + * * * * * + +The _Rev. Frank Farmer_, hero of Mr. RICHARD MARSH'S _The Deacon's +Daughter_ (LONG), was the youthful, good-looking and eloquent +Congregationalist minister of the very local town of Brasted, and the +ladies of his flock adored him. So earnestly indeed did they adore him +that, after he had preached a stirring series of sermons on the evils of +gambling, they decided to subscribe and send him for a holiday to Monte +Carlo. On his return he was to preach another course of sermons, which +"would rouse the national conscience and, with God's blessing, the +conscience of all Europe." Possibly you can guess what happened to him; +I did, and I am not a good guesser. The _Rev. Frank_ had never been out +of England, and he found Monte Carlo inhabited by ladies who made him +blush. He could not understand their bold ways, so different from the +manner of the Brasted maidens. One of them laid especial siege to him +and assured him that he had "_la veine_." At first I am inclined to +believe that he thought she was talking of something varicose, but when +he understood what she meant he was at her mercy. In short he tried his +luck, to the dismay of his conscience but with prodigious benefit to his +pocket. His return to Brasted is described with excellent irony. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WILL IRWIN'S war-book naturally divides itself into two parts, since +he was lucky enough to get near the Front both about Verdun during the +great attack, and with the Alpini fighting on "the roof of Armageddon." +To these brave and picturesque friends of ours he dedicates his study, +_The Latin at War_ (CONSTABLE). You must not expect much of that inside +information which the author, as an American journalist, must have been +sorely tempted to produce. Indeed he has little to offer us that has not +been common property of the Correspondents for long enough, and several +of his descriptions (his picture of a glacier, for one), given with a +rather irritatingly childlike air of new discovery, cannot escape the +charge of commonplace. But his reflections, for once in a way the better +half of experience, more than make good this defect. His essay on Paris, +for instance--"the city of unshed tears"--is something more than +interesting, and his analysis of the cause of the successes of the +French army, in the face of initial defects of material, even better. +The author of _Westward Ho!_, considering the Spanish and English navies +of ELIZABETH'S time, found precisely the same contrasted elements of +autocracy and brotherliness producing just those results that we find +respectively in the German and French forces of to-day--on the one hand +a mechanical perfection of command, on the other an informed equality +which, somehow, does not make against efficiency whilst fostering +individuality. Mr. IRWIN hardly refers to our own Army; but one is +thankful to remember that discipline by consent, one of the virtues of +true democracy, is not the exclusive tradition of our French allies. + + * * * * * + +_A London Posy_ (MILLS AND BOON) is a story with at least an original +setting. So far as I know, Miss SOPHIE COLE is the first novelist to +group her characters about an actual London house preserved as a memorial +to former inhabitants. The house in question is that in Gough Square, +where Dr. JOHNSON lived, and two of the chief characters are _George +Constant_, the curator, and his sister, to whom the shrine is the most +precious object in life ("housemaid to a ghost," one of the other +personages rather prettily calls her). It therefore may well be that to +ardent devotees of the great lexicographer this story of what might have +happened in his house to-day will make a stronger appeal than was the +case with me, who (to speak frankly) found it a trifle dull. It might be +said, though perhaps unkindly, that Miss COLE looks at life through such +feminine eyes that all her characters, male and female, are types of +perfect womanhood. In _Denis Laurie_, the gentle essayist and recluse, +one might expect to find some feminine attributes; but even the bolder +and badder lots, whose task it is to supply the melodramatic relief, +struck me as oddly unvirile. But this is only a personal view. Others, +as I say, may find this very gentle story of mild loves and two deserted +wives a refreshing contrast to the truths, so much stranger and more +lurid than any fiction, by which we are surrounded. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Owing to a scarcity of literary matter at the Front, our +soldiers are sometimes reduced to telling each other tales.] + +Private Jones. "AND SHE _SAYS_, 'OH! WOT BLINKIN' GREAT EYES YOU 'AVE, +GRANDMOTHER!' AND THE WOLF, 'E SAYS, 'ALL THE BETTER TER SEE YER WIV, MY +DEAR.'"] + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 10143-8.txt or 10143-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/4/10143/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917 + Or the London Charivari. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 20, 2003 [EBook #10143] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153, JULY 11, 1917 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 153.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 11th, 1917.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page17" id="page17"></a>[pg 17]</span> + + <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>"It is more dangerous to be a baby in London than a soldier in France," + said Mrs. H. B. IRVING at the National Baby Week Exhibition. The same + disability—namely, middle-age—has prevented us from taking up + either of these perilous <i>rôles</i>.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>L.C.C. tram-tickets, says a news item, are now thinner. Other means of + increasing the space available for passengers are also under + consideration.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Over one thousand penny dreadfuls were found in the possession of a boy + of sixteen who was sentenced to three months' imprisonment for theft. The + commonplace nature of the sentence has disgusted the lad.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The report that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN had signed a contract to serve in + the British Army at 1s. 1d. a day is denied.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As an outcome of Baby Week the Anti-Comforter League has been formed. + The suggestion that Mr. HOGGE, M.P., would make an admirable first + President has not been followed up.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Humanitarians who have been urging the Government not to stain its hands + with the more painful forms of reprisal, have received a nasty shock. A + German spy has been arrested in London!</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The rubber cushions of billiard tables are now being taken by the German + military authorities. Meanwhile the enemy Press continues to take its cue + from HINDENBURG.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A notorious Petrograd anarchist is reported to be ill, and has been + ordered to take a complete rest by his doctor. He has therefore decided not + to throw any bombs for awhile at least.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Further evidence of the Eastern talent for adopting Western ideas and + improving on them comes from China, where the EX-EMPEROR HSUAN TUNG has + celebrated Baby Week by issuing a decree announcing his return to the + Throne.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The only plumber, electrician, hot-water-fitter, gas-fitter, + bell-hanger, zinc-worker, blacksmith and locksmith we have left"—such + was an employer's description of a C1 workman. We understand that the War + Office will mobilise him as a special corps as soon as they can think of a + sufficiently comprehensive title for him.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Several milkmen have reduced their prices from sixpence to fivepence. + Other good results from the timely rains are expected.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A miner, fined one pound for wasting bread, was said to have thrown his + dinner—a mutton chop, onion sauce, and two slices of bread—on + the fire because he could not have potatoes. There is a strong feeling that + the Censor should prohibit publication of these glaring cases of hardship + on the ground that they are likely to encourage the Germans to prolong the + War.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Large quantities of food have been carried off by a burglar from several + houses in the Heathfield district. Knowing our War bread, we are confident + that it did not give in without a struggle.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We are sorry to find <i>The Globe</i> making playful reference to the + many postponements of certain music-hall revues. Mr. Justice DARLING will + agree that these things cannot be postponed too often.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"How can I distinguish poisonous from edible fungi?" asks a correspondent + of T<i>he Daily Mail</i>. The most satisfactory test is to look for them. + If you find them they are likely to be poisonous. If they have been already + gathered they were probably edible.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is now admitted that the conscientious objectors undergoing sentence + at Dartmoor are allowed to have week-ends occasionally. This concession, it + appears, had to be granted as several of them threatened to leave the + place.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The pessimists who maintain that this will be a long war are feeling + pretty cheap just now. An American scientific journal declares that the + world can only last another fifteen million years.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Roughly speaking, says a weekly paper, there is a policeman for every + sixteen square miles. This gives them plenty of room to turn round in.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that ex-KING CONSTANTINO is to receive £20,000 a year + unemployment benefit.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We have heard so little of the Hidden Hand this past week or so that we + are tempted to ask whether it is suffering from writer's cramp.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is reported that three large jam factories have been commandeered by + the Military. A soldier writes to ask whether it is proposed to include jam + in the list of field punishments.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Justices cannot guarantee results to litigants in advance," said the + Willesden magistrate recently. Not without trespassing on the privileges of + the Bar.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>As a demonstration of allegiance to their country's cause the Apaches of + Northern America are to hold a great "Devil Dance" in Arizona. It only + needed this to convince us that all was well with America.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A flask of wine of the year A.D. 17, found in a Roman tomb in Bavaria, + is said to be the oldest extant vintage. It antedates Sir FREDERICK + BANBURY'S brand of Toryism by several years.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/017.png"><img width="100%" src="images/017.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <h3>THE FOP.</h3> + + <p><i>Looker-on</i>. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE NEXT, + CLARENCE,—ELECTRIC SHAMPOO OR FACE MANICURED?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Mrs. ——, who has just entered her 192nd year, reads without + glasses, writes to her grandchildren fighting abroad, and knits articles + for King George's Military Hospital."—<i>Daily Express + (Dublin)</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Those grandchildren must be getting a little old for active service.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page18" id="page18"></a>[pg 18]</span> + + <h2>TINO IN EXILE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + [As indicated on another page, TINO'S actual opinion of his Imperial + brother-in-law is probably not too amiable; but it has to be disguised in + his letters, which are liable to be censored by his wife.] + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Thank you, dear William, I am fairly well.</p> + <p class="i2">The climate suits me and the simple life—</p> + <p>No diplomats to spoil the scenery's spell,</p> + <p class="i2">And only faintest echoes of the strife;</p> + <p>The Alps are mirrored in a lake of blue;</p> + <p class="i2">Over my straw-crowned poll the blue skies laugh;</p> + <p>A waterfall (no charge) completes a view</p> + <p class="i2">Equal to any German oleograph.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are no bugle blares to make me jump,</p> + <p class="i2">But just the jodler calling to his kine;</p> + <p>A few good Teuton toadies, loud and plump,</p> + <p class="i2">More than suffice me in the <i>levée</i> line;</p> + <p>And, when poor ALEXANDER, there in Greece,</p> + <p class="i2">Writes of your "agents" rounded up and sacked,</p> + <p>I am content with privacy and peace,</p> + <p class="i2">Having, at worst, retained my head intact.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>SOPHIE and I have thought of you a lot</p> + <p class="i2">(We have so very few distractions here;</p> + <p>We chat about the weather, which is hot,</p> + <p class="i2">And then we turn to talk of your career);</p> + <p>For rumour says this bloody war will last</p> + <p class="i2">Until the Hohenzollerns get the boot;</p> + <p>And through my brain the bright idea has passed</p> + <p class="i2">That you had better do an early scoot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were it not wise, dear WILLIAM, ere the day</p> + <p class="i2">When Revolution goes for crowns and things,</p> + <p>To cut your loss betimes and come this way</p> + <p class="i2">And start a coterie of Exiled Kings?</p> + <p>You might (the choice of safe retreats is poor)</p> + <p class="i2">Do worse than join me in this happy land,</p> + <p>And spend your last phase, careless, if obscure,</p> + <p class="i2">With your devoted TINO hand-in-hand.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>O. S.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>MONSIEUR JOSEPH.</h2> + + <p>On the day that I left hospital, with a month's sick leave in hand, I + went to dine at my favourite Soho restaurant, the Mazarin, which I always + liked because it provided an excellent meal for an extremely modest sum. + But this evening my steps turned towards the old place because I wanted a + word with Monsieur Joseph, the head-waiter.</p> + + <p>I found him the same genial soul as ever, though a shade stouter perhaps + and greyer at the temples, and I flatter myself that it was with a smile of + genuine pleasure that he led me to my old table in a corner of the + room.</p> + + <p>When the crowd of diners had thinned he came to me for a chat.</p> + + <p>"It is indeed a pleasure to see M'sieur after so long a time," said he, + "for, alas, there are so many others of our old clients who will not ever + return."</p> + + <p>I told him that I too was glad to be sitting in the comparative quiet of + the Mazarin, and asked him how he fared.</p> + + <p>Joseph smiled. "I 'ave a surprise for M'sieur," he said—"yes, a + great surprise. There are ten, fifteen years that I work in thees place, + and in four more weeks <i>le patron</i> will retire and I become the + proprietor. Oh, it is bee-utiful," he continued, clasping his hands + rapturously, "to think that in so leetle time I, who came to London a poor + waiter, shall be <i>patron</i> of one of its finest restaurants."</p> + + <p>I offered him my warmest congratulations. If ever a man deserved success + it was he, and it was good to see the look of pleasure on his face as I + told him so.</p> + + <p>"And now," said I presently, "I also have a surprise for you, + Joseph."</p> + + <p>He laughed. "Eh bien, M'sieur, it is your turn to take my breath + away."</p> + + <p>"My last billet in France, before being wounded," I told him, "was in a + Picardy village called Fléchinelle."</p> + + <p>He raised his hands. "Mon Dieu," he cried, "it is my own village!"</p> + + <p>"More than that," I continued, "for nearly six weeks I lodged just + behind the church, in a whitewashed cottage with a stock of oranges, pipes + and boot-laces for sale in the window."</p> + + <p>"It is my mother's shop!" he exclaimed breathlessly.</p> + + <p>I nodded my head, and then proceeded to give him the hundred-and-one + messages that I had received from the little old lady as soon as she + discovered that I knew her son.</p> + + <p>"It is so long since I 'ave seen 'er," said Monsieur Joseph, blowing his + nose violently. "So 'ard I work in London these ten, fifteen years that + only once have I gone 'ome since my father died."</p> + + <p>Then I told him how bent and old his mother was, and how lonesome she + had seemed all by herself in the cottage, and as I spoke of the shop which + she still kept going in her front-room the tears fairly rained down his + face.</p> + + <p>"But, M'sieur," said he, "that which you tell me is indeed strange; for + those letters which she writes to me week by week are always gay, and it + 'as seemed to me that my mother was well content."</p> + + <p>Then he struck his fist on the table. "I 'ave it," he said. "She shall + come to live 'ere with me in Londres. All that she desires shall be 'ers, + for am I not a rich man?"</p> + + <p>I shook my head. "She would never leave her village now," I told him. + "And I know well that she desires nothing in the world except to see you + again."</p> + + <p>Then as I rose to go, "Good night, M'sieur," said Joseph a little sadly. + "Be very sure that there is always a welcome for you 'ere."</p> + + <p>The next time that I dined at the Mazarin was some four weeks later, on + the eve of my return to the Front. A strange waiter showed me to my place, + and Joseph was nowhere to be seen. Indeed a wholly different air seemed to + pervade the place since my last visit. Presently I beckoned to a waiter + whom I recognised as having served under the old <i>régime</i>. "Where is + Monsieur Joseph?" I asked him.</p> + + <p>"Where indeed, Sir!" the man replied. "It is all so strange. One day it + is arranged that he shall take over the restaurant and its staff, and on + the next he come to say 'Good-bye' to us all, and then leave for France. + Oh, it is <i>drôle</i>. So good a business man to lose the chance that + comes once only in a life! He is too old to fight. Yet who knows? Maybe he + heard of something better out there...."</p> + + <p>As the man spoke the gold-and-white walls of the restaurant faded, the + clatter of plates and dishes died away, and I was back again in a tiny + village shop in Picardy. Across the counter, packed with its curious stock, + I saw Monsieur Joseph, with shirt-sleeves rolled up, gravely handing a + stick of chocolate to a child, and taking its sou in return. In the + diminutive kitchen behind sat a little white-haired old lady with such a + look of content on her face as I have rarely seen.</p> + + <p>Then suddenly I found myself back again in the London restaurant.</p> + + <p>"Yes," I said to the waiter, "it is possible, as you say, that Monsieur + Joseph heard of something better in France."</p> + + <p>And raising my glass I drank a silent toast.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page19" id="page19"></a>[pg 19]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/019.png"><img width="100%" src="images/019.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <h3>THE TUBER'S REPARTEE.</h3> + + <p>GERMAN PIRATE. "GOTT STRAFE ENGLAND!"</p> + + <p>BRITISH POTATO. "TUBER ÜBER ALLES!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page20" id="page20"></a>[pg 20]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/020.png"><img width="100%" src="images/020.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p><i>Crowd</i>. "WOULD YER LIKE TO GO TO HORSPITAL?"—"SHALL I GET + YER A DROP OF BRANDY?"—"DID YER SLIP ON THE BANANA-PEEL?" "DID YER + FALL?"—"ARE YER HURT, SIR?"—"SHALL I FETCH A + DOCTOR?"—"IS THAT YOUR HAT, SIR?"</p> + + <p><i>Ex-Cabinet Minister</i>. "THE ANSWERS TO ONE, TWO, FIVE AND SIX ARE + IN THE NEGATIVE; TO THREE, FOUR AND SEVEN IN THE AFFIRMATIVE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE MUD LARKS.</h2> + + <p>You have all seen it in the latest V.C. list—"The Reverend Paul + Grayne, Chaplain to the Forces, for conspicuous bravery and gallant example + in the face of desperate circumstances."</p> + + <p>You have all pictured him, the beau-ideal of muscular Christian, the + Fighting Parson, eighteen hands high, terrific in wind and limb, with a + golden mane and a Greek profile; a Pekinese in the drawing-room, a bull-dog + in the arena; a soupçon of Saint FRANCIS with a dash of JOHN L. + SULLIVAN—and all that.</p> + + <p>But we who have met heroes know that they are very seldom of the type + which achieves the immortality of the picture post-card.</p> + + <p>The stalwart with pearly teeth, lilac eyes and curly lashes is C3 at + Lloyd's (Sir FRANCIS), and may be heard twice daily at the Frivolity + singing, "My Goo-goo Girl from Honolulu" to entranced flappers; while the + lad who has Fritzie D. Hun backed on the ropes, clinching for time, is + usually gifted with bow legs, freckles, a dented proboscis and a coiffure + after the manner of a wire-haired terrier.</p> + + <p>The Reverend Paul Grayne, V.C., sometime curate of Thorpington Parva, in + the county of Hampshire, was no exception to this rule. Æsthetically he was + a blot on the landscape; among all the heroes I have met I never saw + anything less heroically moulded.</p> + + <p>He stood about five feet nought and tipped the beam at seven stone + nothing. He had a mild chinless face and his long beaky nose, round large + spectacles, and trick of cocking his head sideways when conversing, gave + him the appearance of an intelligent little dicky-bird.</p> + + <p>I remember very well the occasion of our first meeting. I was in my + troop lines one afternoon, blackguarding a farrier, when a loud nicker + sounded on the road and a black cob, bearing a feebly protesting padre upon + his fat back, trotted through the gate, up to the lines and began to swop + How d'y'do's with my hairies. The little Padre cocked his head on one side + and oozed apologies from every pore.</p> + + <p>He hadn't meant to intrude, he twittered; Peter had brought him; it was + Peter's fault; Peter was very eccentric.</p> + + <p>Peter, I gathered, was the fat cob, who by this time had butted into the + lines and was tearing at a hay net as if he hadn't had a meal for + years.</p> + + <p>His alleged master looked at me hopeless, helpless. What was he to do? + "Well, since Peter is evidently stopping to tea with my horses," said I, + "the only thing you can do is to come to tea with us." So I lifted him down + and bore him off to the cow-shed inhabited by our mess at the time and + regaled him on chlorinated Mazawattee, marmalade and dog biscuit. An hour + later, Peter willing, he left us.</p> + + <p>We saw a lot of the Padre after that. Peter, it appeared, had taken + quite a fancy to us and frequently brought him round to meals. The Padre + had no word of say in the matter. He confessed that, when he embarked upon + Peter in the morning, he had not the vaguest idea where mid-day would find + him. Nothing but the black cob's fortunate rule of going home to supper + saved the Padre from being posted as a deserter.</p> + + <p>He had an uneasy feeling that Peter would one day suddenly sicken of the + war and that he would find himself in Paris or on the Riviera. We had an + uneasy feeling that Peter would one day develop a curiosity as to the Bosch + horse rations, and stroll across the line, and we should lose the Padre, a + thing we could ill afford to do, for by this time <span class= + "pagenum"><a name="page21" id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> he had taken us + under his wing spiritually and bodily. On Sundays he would appear in our + midst dragging a folding harmonium and hold Church Parade, leading the + hymns in his twittering bird-like voice.</p> + + <p>Then the spinster ladies of his old parish of Thorpington Parva gave him + a Ford car, and with this he scoured back areas for provisions and threaded + his tin buggy in and out of columns of dusty infantry and clattering + ammunition limbers, spectacles gleaming, cap slightly awry, while his + batman (a wag) perched precariously a-top of a rocking pile of biscuit + tins, cigarette cases and boxes of tinned fruit, and shouted after the + fashion of railway porters, "By your leave! Fags for the firin' line. Way + for the Woodbine Express."</p> + + <p>But if we saw a lot of the Padre it was the Antrims who looked upon him + as their special property. They were line infantry, of the type which gets + most of the work and none of the Press notices, a hard-bitten, unregenerate + crowd, who cared not a whit whether Belgium bled or not, but loved fighting + for its own sake and put their faith in bayonet and butt. And wherever + these Antrims went thither went the Padre also, his harmonium and his + Woodbines. I have a story that, when they were in a certain part of the + line where the trenches were only thirty yards apart (so close indeed that + the opposing forces greeted each other by their first names and borrowed + one another's wiring tools), the Padre dragged the harmonium into the front + line and held service there, and the Germans over the way joined lustily in + the hymns. He kept the men of the Antrims going on canteen delicacies and + their officers in a constant bubble of joy. He swallowed their tall stories + without a gulp; they pulled one leg and he offered the other; he fell + headlong into every silly trap they set for him. Also they achieved merit + in other messes by peddling yarns of his wonderful innocence and his + incredible absent-mindedness.</p> + + <p>"Came to me yesterday, the Dicky Bird did," one of them would relate; + "wanted advice about that fat fraud of his, Peter. 'He's got an abrasion on + the knob of his right-hand front paw,' says he. 'Dicky Bird,' says I, 'that + is no way to describe the anatomy of a horse after all the teaching I've + given you.' 'I am so forgetful and horsey terms are so confusing,' he + moans. 'Oh, I recollect now—his starboard ankle!' The dear babe!"</p> + + <p>In the course of time the Antrims went into the Push, but on this + occasion they refused to take the Padre with them, explaining that Pushes + were noisy affairs with messy accidents happening in even the best + regulated battalions.</p> + + <p>The Padre was up at midnight to see them go, his spectacles misty. They + went over the bags at dawn, reached their objective in twenty minutes and + scratched themselves in. The Padre rejoined them ten minutes later, very + badly winded, but bringing a case of Woodbines along with him.</p> + + <p>My friend Patrick grabbed him by the leg and dragged him into a + shell-hole. Nothing but an inherent respect for his cloth restrained + Patrick from giving the Dicky Bird the spanking of his life. At 8 A.M. the + Hun countered heavily and hove the Antrims out. Patrick retreated in good + order, leading the Padre by an ear. The Antrims sat down, licked their + cuts, puffed some of the Woodbines, then went back and pitchforked the + Bosch in his tender spots. The Bosch collected fresh help and bobbed up + again. Business continued brisk all day, and when night fell the Antrims + were left masters of the position.</p> + + <p>At 1 A.M. they were relieved by the Rutland Rifles, and a dog weary + battered remnant of the battalion crawled back to camp in a sunken road a + mile in the rear. One or two found bivouacs left by the Rutlands, but the + majority dropped where they halted. My friend Patrick found a bivouac, + wormed into <span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" id="page22"></a>[pg + 22]</span> it and went to sleep. The next thing he remembers was the roof + of his abode caving in with the weight of two men struggling violently. + Patrick extricated himself somehow and rolled out into the grey dawn to + find the sunken road filled with grey figures, in among the bivouacs and + shell holes, stabbing at the sleeping Antrims. Here and there men were + locked together, struggling tooth and claw; the air was vibrant with a + ghastly pandemonium of grunts and shrieks; the sunken road ran like a + slaughter-house gutter. There was only one thing to do, and that was to get + out, so Patrick did so, driving before him what men he could collect.</p> + + <p>A man staggered past him, blowing like a walrus. It was the Padre's + batman, and he had his master tucked under one arm, in his underclothes, + kicking feebly.</p> + + <p>Patrick halted his men beyond the hill crest, and there the Colonel + joined him, trotting on his stockinged feet. Other officers arrived, + herding men. "They must have rushed the Ruts., Sir," Patrick panted; "must + be after those guns just behind us." "They'll get 'em too," said the + Colonel grimly. "We can't stop 'em," said the Senior Captain. "If we + counter at once we might give the Loamshires time to come up—they're + in support, Sir—but—but, if they attack us, they'll get those + guns—run right over us."</p> + + <p>The Colonel nodded. "Man, I know, I know; but look at 'em"—he + pointed to the pathetic remnant of his battalion lying out behind the + crest—"they're dropping asleep where they lie—they're beat to a + finish—not another kick left in 'em."</p> + + <p>He sat down and buried his face in his hands. The redoubtable Antrims + had come to the end.</p> + + <p>Suddenly came a shout from the Senior Captain, "Good Lord, what's that + fellow after? Who the devil is it?"</p> + + <p>They all turned and saw a tiny figure, clad only in underclothes, + marching deliberately over the ridge towards the Germans.</p> + + <p>"Who is it?" the Colonel repeated. "Beggin' your pardon, the Reverend, + Sir," said the Padre's batman as he strode past the group of officers. "'E + give me the slip, Sir. Gawd knows wot 'e's up to now." He lifted up his + voice and wailed after his master, "'Ere, you come back this minute, Sir. + You'll get yourself in trouble again. Do you 'ear me, Sir?" But the Padre + apparently did not hear him, for he plodded steadily on his way. The batman + gave a sob of despair and broke into a double.</p> + + <p>The Colonel sprang to his feet, "Hey, stop him, somebody! Those swine'll + shoot him in a second—child murder!"</p> + + <p>Two subalterns ran forward, followed by a trio of N.C.O.'s. All along + the line men lifted their weary heads from the ground and saw the tiny + figure on the ridge silhouetted against the red east.</p> + + <p>"Oo's that blinkin' fool?"</p> + + <p>"The Padre."</p> + + <p>"Wot's 'e doin' of?"</p> + + <p>"Gawd knows."</p> + + <p>A man rose to his knees, from his knees to his feet, and stumbled + forward, mumbling, "'E give me a packet of fags when I was broke." "Me + too," growled another, and followed his chum. "They'll shoot 'im in a + minute," a voice shouted, suddenly frightened. "'Ere, this ain't war, this + is blasted baby-killin'."</p> + + <p>In another five seconds the whole line was up and jogging forward at a + lurching double. "And a little child shall lead them," murmured the Colonel + happily, as he put his best foot forwards; a miracle had happened, and his + dear ruffians would go down in glory.</p> + + <p>But as they topped the hill crest came the shrill of a whistle from the + opposite ridge, and there was half a battalion of the Rutlands back-casting + for the enemy that had broken through their posts. With wild yells both + parties charged downwards into the sunken road.</p> + + <p>When the tumult and shouting had died Patrick went in quest of the + little Padre.</p> + + <p>He discovered him sitting on the wreck of his bivouac of the night; he + was clasping some small article to his bosom, and the look in his face was + that of a man who had found his heart's desire.</p> + + <p>Patrick sat himself down on a box of bombs, and looked humbly at the + Reverend Paul. It is an awful thing for a man suddenly to find he has been + entertaining a hero unawares.</p> + + <p>"Oh, Dicky Bird, Dicky Bird, why did you do it?" he inquired softly.</p> + + <p>The Padre cocked his head on one side and commenced to ooze apologies + from every pore.</p> + + <p>"Oh dear—you know how absurdly absent-minded I am; well, I + suddenly remembered I had left my teeth behind."</p> + + <p>PATLANDER.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/021.png"><img width="100%" src="images/021.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p><i>Old Lady.</i> "And what regiment are you in?"</p> + + <p><i>The Sub.</i> "7th Blankshires. But I'm attached to the 9th + Wessex."</p> + + <p><i>Old Lady.</i> "Really! Now <i>do</i> tell me why the officers get + so fond of regiments with aren't their own."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "At Nottingham on Saturday the damages ranging from £7 10s. to £3 were + ordered to be paid by a number of miners for absenteeism. It was stated + that, although absolved from military obligations by reason of their + occupation, there had been glaring neglect of responsibility, some men + having lost three ships a week."—<i>Western Morning News</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>These mines are very tricky things.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE AS.</h2> + + <p>The French, always so quick to give things names—and so liberal + about it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, + they sometimes invent fifty names for one thing—have added so many + words to the vocabulary since August, 1914, that a glossary, and perhaps + more than one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance + of this glossary it is almost impossible to read some of the numerous + novels of poilu life.</p> + + <p>So far as I am aware the latest creation is the infinitesimal word "as," + or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des carreaux" (to give + the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. To-day all France, with + that swift assimilation which has ever been one of its many mysteries, + knows its new meaning and applies it.</p> + + <p>And what is this new "as"? I gather, without having had the advantage of + cross-examining a French soldier, that an "as" is an obscure hero, one of + the men, and they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but do not + get into the papers or receive medals or any mention in despatches. We all + know that many of the finest deeds performed in war escape recognition. One + does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses and + all the other desirable tokens of valour are conferred wrongly. Nothing of + the kind. They are nobly deserved. But probably there never was a recipient + of the V.C. or the D.S.O. or the Military Cross who could not—and did + not wish to—tell his Sovereign, when the coveted honour was being + pinned to His breast, of some other soldier not less worthy than himself of + being decorated, whose deed of gallantry was performed under less + noticeable conditions. The performer of such a deed is an "as" and it is + his luck to be a not public hero. But why ace of diamonds? That I cannot + explain.</p> + + <p>The "as" can be found in every branch of the Army, and he is recognised + as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant. + Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be + numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying + anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of these + brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that chap," one of + our soldiers would say; "he's an A."</p> + + <p>All that I know of the "as" I have gathered from the French satirical + paper, a child of the War, <i>La Baïonette</i>. This paper comes out every + week and devotes <span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" id="page23"></a>[pg + 23]</span> itself, as its forerunner, <i>L'Assiette au Beurre</i>, used to + do, to one theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, usually in + the army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the War steadily + occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I find recorded an + incident of the French Army so moving that I want to tell it here, very + freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before the attack at Carency, + and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, for he was himself present. + In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbé a regiment was assembled, and to + them spoke their Captain. The scene was the yard of a farm. I know so well + what it was like. The great manure heap in the middle; the carts under + cover, with perhaps one or two American reapers and binders among them; + fowls pecking here and there; a thin predatory dog nosing about; a + cart-horse peering from his stable and now and then scraping his hoofs; a + very wide woman at the dwelling-house door; the old farmer in blue linen + looking on; and there, drawn up, listening to their Captain, row on row of + blue-coated men, all hard-bitten, weary, all rather cynical, all + weather-stained and frayed, and all ready to go on for ever.</p> + + <p>This is what the Captain said—a tall thin man of about thirty, + speaking calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just + seen the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant, + and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to + attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an hour + we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be the + first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed at + once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for the + elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be killed. + Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn, according + to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at Saida before the + War. What will be left by the time you have reached the point I cannot say, + but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a lot of ground to cover, + under fire. But you will take the point and hold it. Fall out."</p> + + <p>That captain was an "as."</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/023.png"><img width="100%" src="images/023.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p>"OW D'YER LIKE BEING PUT ON TRANSPORT WORK, MATE?"</p> + + <p>"BLIMEY! WHAT THE DOOCE MADE ME TELL 'EM I'D ONCE DRUV A DONKEY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>Domestic Intelligence.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Owing to doctor's orders Mrs. —— has been obliged to cancel + all her engagements during Baby Week."—<i>Morning Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>I STOOD AGAINST THE WINDOW.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I stood against the window</p> + <p class="i2">And looked between the bars,</p> + <p>And there were strings of fairies</p> + <p class="i2">Hanging from the stars;</p> + <p>Everywhere and everywhere</p> + <p class="i2">In shining swinging chains,</p> + <p>Like rainbows spun from moonlight</p> + <p class="i2">And twisted into skeins.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They kept on swinging, swinging,</p> + <p class="i2">They flung themselves so high</p> + <p>They caught upon the pointed moon</p> + <p class="i2">And hung across the sky;</p> + <p>And when I woke next morning</p> + <p class="i2">There still were crowds and crowds</p> + <p>In beautiful bright bunches</p> + <p class="i2">All sleeping on the clouds.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>From a constable's evidence:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "In his attempt to arrest her she threw herself on the ground and tried + to smack his face."—<i>Weekly Dispatch</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The long arm of the law resents such presumptuous rivalry.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"ALL KINDS OF DEVILS MADE TO ORDER.</p> + + <p>—— & ——, SHEFFIELD."—<i>The + Ironmonger.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p>This looks uncommonly like an offer to trade with the enemy.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/024.png"><img width="100%" src="images/024.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p><i>Wife (to warrior, whose politeness to the waitress has been duly + noted)</i>. "HUM! YOU SEEM TO 'AVE COME BACK 'ALF FRENCH."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GIPSY SOLDIER</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The gipsy wife came to my door with pegs and brooms to sell</p> + <p>They make by many a roadside fire and many a greenwood dell,</p> + <p>With bee-skeps and with baskets wove of osier, rush and sedge,</p> + <p>And withies from the river-beds and brambles from the hedge.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With her stately grace, like PHARAOH'S queen (for all her broken + shoon),</p> + <p>You'd marvel one so tall and proud should ever ask a boon,</p> + <p>But "living's dear for us poor folk" and "money can't be had,"</p> + <p>And "her man's in Mespotania" and "times is cruel bad!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Yes, times is cruel bad, we know, and passing strange also,</p> + <p>And it's strange as anything I've heard that gipsy men should go</p> + <p>To lands through which their forbears trod from some unknown + abode</p> + <p>The way that ended long ago upon the Portsmouth Road.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wonder if the Eastern skies and Eastern odours seem</p> + <p>Familiar to that gipsy man, as memories of a dream;</p> + <p>Does Tigris' flow stir ancient dreams from immemorial rest</p> + <p>Ere ever gipsy poached the trout of Itchen and of Test?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Does something in him seem to know those red and arid lands</p> + <p>Where dust of ancient cities sleeps beneath the drifted sands?</p> + <p>Do Kurdish girls with lustrous eyes beneath their drooping lids</p> + <p>And Eastern babes look strangely like the Missis and the kids?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I wonder if the waving palms, when desert winds do blow,</p> + <p>In their dry rustling seem to sing a song he used to know;</p> + <p>Or does he only curse the heat and wish that he were laid</p> + <p>Beneath the spread of RUFUS' oaks or Harewood's beechen shade?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, luck be with the gipsy man and lead him safely home</p> + <p>To the old familiar caravan and ways he used to roam,</p> + <p>And bring him as it brought his sires from their far first abode</p> + <p>To where the gipsy camp-fires burn along the Portsmouth Road.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>C. F. S.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The Premier's principal speech was made in St. Andrew's Hall, where he + was presented with the Freedam of the City."—<i>Liverpool Post and + Mercury.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>Which he promptly passed on to the enemy.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Skilled non-workers all over the Union have for some time been in great + demand, and enough of them are not available at the present + time."—<i>Rand Daily Mail</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>There are still a few that the old country could spare.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Rhode Island Red, 200 year old pullets, laying, 5s. + each."—<i>Nottingham Guardian</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We fancy it must have been one of these veterans that we met at dinner + the other night.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:90%;"> + <a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <h3>THE BRUSILOFF HUG.</h3> + + <p>THE KAISER. "I'M ALL FOR FRATERNISATION, BUT I CALL THIS OVERDOING + IT."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/026-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026-1.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p>NO KILL-JOY. MR. BONAR LAW.</p> + </div> + + <p>Monday, July 2nd.—On the Finance Bill Mr. BONAR LAW exhibited a + conciliatory disposition; and, indignantly disclaiming the character of a + kill-joy, made several welcome concessions to the taxpayer. The late + increase in the tobacco duty is to be halved, so that the modest smoker may + hope to fill his pipe for a penny less per ounce. This hope, of course, is + dependent upon the decision of the all-powerful Trust.</p> + + <p>The Entertainments Tax also is to be modified, chiefly in its higher + regions. Intimately connected with this question is the case of the + "deadhead," argued with the zeal that is according to knowledge by that + eminent playwright, Mr. HEMMERDE, who knows all about the free-list and its + services in "enabling the management to keep the house properly + dressed"—this refers, of course, to the front of the + house—during the doubtful first weeks of a new play.</p> + + <p>Mr. HOGGE was in his place again. It had been reported that, consequent + upon a hasty pledge to remain in Liverpool until his candidate was + returned, he was now doomed for ever to wander an unquiet sprite upon the + banks of Mersey. But he has wisely determined that Parliament must not + suffer to please his private whim.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, July 3rd.</i>—The House of Lords was crowded to hear + Lord HARDINGE'S comments upon the Mesopotamia Report. Even those critics in + the Commons who had declared that a civil servant should not take advantage + of his position as a peer to make a personal explanation would, I think, + have had no reason to complain of its character. His object was not to + defend himself, but to call attention to the splendid services that India + had rendered to the Empire during the War in other fields than Mesopotamia. + In his own phrase, "India was bled absolutely white during the first few + weeks of the War."</p> + + <p>When the report comes up for formal discussion Lord CURZON will + doubtless have something to say, and will say it in vigorous fashion. + To-day, with the air and mien of a highly respectable undertaker, he + contented himself with acknowledging Lord HARDINGE'S contribution and + deprecated further debate.</p> + + <p>Lord ROBERT CECIL, safely back from his travels, does not appear to have + kept himself up to date in the interval, for he was ignorant of the refusal + of the Allies to allow Greece to set up a republic, although Mr. KING, with + his superior sources of information, knows all about it.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/026-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026-2.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p>PARENTAL PRIDE. LORD DERBY.</p> + </div> + + <p>At the close of Questions a stalwart young man in khaki advanced to the + Table, and, amid the cheers of the Members and to the obvious delight of + Lord DERBY, who sat beaming with parental pride in the Peers' Gallery, + added the signature "STANLEY" to a roll which has rarely been without that + name since "the Rupert of debate" signed it there close on a hundred years + ago.</p> + + <p>Excess profits provided the theme for some lively speeches to-day. Major + HAMILTON did not see why farmers should escape the tax, and instanced the + case of a potato-grower who had made ten thousand pounds out of a couple of + hundred acres. Several Members connected with the shipping interest + protested against the tax. Mr. LEIF-JONES implied that it was more + disastrous than the U-boats, and Mr. HOUSTON loudly protested at being + represented as a harpy.</p> + + <p>By these complaints Mr. BONAR LAW was absolutely unmoved, and for very + good reason. He had himself a few thousands invested in shipping, and, as + he was getting about fifty per cent., instead of the modest five per cent. + which he had anticipated, he had come to the conclusion that even under + present conditions the trade was doing pretty well. After this confession + of an involuntary profiteer the tax was agreed to. But the farmers, with + next year's Budget in view, are praying that the conscientious CHANCELLOR + will not invest his surplus profits in land.</p> + + <p>Wednesday, July 4th.—We all know the + ex-poacher-turned-game-keeper. The converse process has taken place in the + case of Lord PORTSMOUTH, who, when he ceased to be a Minister of the Crown, + became a bitter critic of successive Administrations. His complaints of our + blockade policy were frigidly acknowledged by Lord MILNER and hotly + resented by Lord LANSDOWNE, upon whom Lord PORTSMOUTH'S ruddy beard always + has a provocative effect. It is all very well to talk of being ruthless to + neutrals, but if we had adopted the noble lord's policy early in the War + would the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes be to-day floating side by + side all over London?</p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH'S latest suggestion for the furtherance of his Republican + propaganda is that the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS should remove from the streets + all statues of deceased monarchs, and replace them by those of great + leaders of thought. Sir ALFRED MOND absolutely refused. The worst kings + sometimes make the best statues, and he is not prepared to sacrifice JAMES + II. from the Admiralty even to put Mr. LYNCH himself on the vacant + pedestal.</p> + + <p>"P.R." came up smiling for another round, and, having secured the + services on this occasion of Mr. ASQUITH as judicious bottle-holder, was + expected to make a good fight of it. The EX-PREMIER scouted the notion that + the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + new plan of voting would fill the House with freaks and faddists, a class + from which, he hinted, it is not, even under present conditions, entirely + immune. But the majority evidently felt that there could not be much amiss + with a system which had returned such wise and patriotic persons as + themselves to Parliament, and they outed P. R. by 201 to 169.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday, July 5th</i>.—It is hardly surprising that the + Government has decided not to proceed at present with its great scheme of + nationalizing the liquor-traffic. The announcement that, in order to meet + the requirements of the harvest-season, the brewers should be allowed to + increase the output of beer by one-third, brought a swarm of hornets about + the CHANCELLOR'S head. Mr. LEIF-JONES (irreverently known as "Tea-leaf + JONES") was horrified at the thought that more grain and sugar should be + diverted to this pernicious liquid; Mr. DEVLIN and other champions of the + trade were almost equally annoyed because the harvest-beer was to be of a + lower specific gravity. The storm of "supplementaries" showed no sign of + abating, until the SPEAKER, who rarely fails to find the appropriate + phrase, remarked upon "This thirst for information," and so dissolved the + House in laughter.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/027.png"><img width="100%" src="images/027.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p><i>Gunner (home on leave)</i>. "WAITER, MY NEIGHBOUR'S EFFORTS WITH + HIS SOUP (BY THE WAY, I'M SURE HE OUGHT TO BE INTERNED) ARE MORE THAN I + CAN BEAR. WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME BY ASKING THE BAND TO PUT UP A + BARRAGE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WEARY WATCHER.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + ["Almost exactly a month ago—on May 30th—I advised my readers + to 'Watch Karolyi,' and now I emphasize the advice."—<i>"The + Clubman" in The Evening Standard, July 2nd</i>.] + </blockquote><br /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Since very early in the War</p> + <p class="i2">My Mentors in the Press</p> + <p>Have never failed in warning me,</p> + <p class="i2">By way of S.O.S.,</p> + <p>To keep my eye on So-and-So</p> + <p class="i2">In times of storm and stress.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I think that WINSTON was the first</p> + <p class="i2">Commended to my gaze,</p> + <p>But very soon I found my eyes—</p> + <p class="i2">Tired by the limelight's blaze—</p> + <p>Incapable of following</p> + <p class="i2">His strange and devious ways.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I watched the PRESIDENT and thought</p> + <p class="i2">(Unjustly) he was canting;</p> + <p>I watched our late PRIME MINISTER</p> + <p class="i2">When furious scribes were ranting,</p> + <p>And vigilantly bent my looks</p> + <p class="i2">On HARDEN and on BRANTING.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I watched JONESCU, also JONES</p> + <p class="i2">(Great KENNEDY) and HUGHES;</p> + <p>I sought illumination from</p> + <p class="i2">BILLING'S momentous views;</p> + <p>I watched Freemasons, Socialists,</p> + <p class="i2">And Salonica Jews.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And lately with emotions which</p> + <p class="i2">Transcend the power of rhymes</p> + <p>I've scanned with reverential eye</p> + <p class="i2">Those highly-favoured climes</p> + <p>Ennobled by the presence of</p> + <p class="i2">The ruler of the T***s.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I've glued my eye on seer and sage,</p> + <p class="i2">On Mecca's brave Sherif;</p> + <p>I've fastened it on what's-his-name,</p> + <p class="i2">The famed Albanian chief,</p> + <p>Till, wearying of the watcher's task,</p> + <p class="i2">At length I crave relief.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So when I'm bidden at this stage</p> + <p class="i2">To start the game anew</p> + <p>And keep KAROLYI constantly</p> + <p class="i2">And carefully in view,</p> + <p>I think I'm wholly justified</p> + <p class="i2">In answering, "Nah Poo!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT.</h3> + + <blockquote> + "Dundee," said one of its leading citizens at the luncheon, "will stand + by Mr. Churchill to the last letter."—<i>Daily Chronicle</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Evidently "l" itself would not sever Mr. CHURCHILL'S connection with his + old friends.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "$20 buys a horse, good in his wind, if sold at once."—<i>Canadian + Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Better not wait for his second wind.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Coow wanted, first week in August, for Lads Brigade Camp, 120 Lads; must + be used to Field kitchens." + </blockquote> + + <p>It looks like being "bad for the coow."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <h2>GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.</h2> + + <h3>WAR WORK.</h3> + + <p>War work is what wimmen do when their arnt enuff men. Or men do it too + sometimes if they are rather old and weak and cant be soldiers, but it is + mostly wimmen. Some war work you get paid for but some you don't. It just + depens whether you are rich and do V A D or poor and do munisions and + things. V A D means something but I forget what. My brother says it means + Very Active Damsles but you cant beleive him, and anyway no one talks of + damsles nowydays besept in potry. If you are a V A D you have to do as your + told just like a soldier but Daddy says they don't do it always, and Mummy + says its because they all know a better way than the other persons. But + then they don't cost anything so the hospitle people don't mind much. If + you do munisions or are a bus conductor you do get paid so you maynt talk + so much or you would get sent away. If I dident have to go to scool I would + love to be a bus conducter and go rides for nothing.</p> + + <p>PHYLLIS BLAKE (age 10).</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <h3>MY FAVRIT HERO.</h3> + + <p>A Hero is a man you agmire teribly much or he can be in a book. It is + rather dificult to say who is my favrit Hero. There are such a lot of them. + Some are lord French genrel Maud King Albert and the VCs. When I was litle + I use to think the man who fed the Lions at the zoo was the most bravest + man in the wurld but that was ever so long ago before the War. I don't no + very much about King Albert and the Others so I wont rite about them. I + will rite about lord French. I agmire him most awfuly. I saw him once. He + was coming from the camp were my Brother was and he smiled at me quite on + perpose. But he doesent no me realy and praps that wont show he is a Hero. + But he is one all the same becos he had only a weeny litle Army at the + Begining of the war and he helped them to hold tite until more Men came. Or + the Germans would have wun. He was only sir then now he is a lord.</p> + + <p>MOLLY PRITCHARD (age 7-1/2).</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Berlin declares that the Russians have begun an offensive which extends + from the Upper Stokhod to Stanislau, a distance of over 125 + metres."—<i>Daily Telegraph</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Never believe what Berlin says.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + + <h3>"MRS. POMEROY'S REPUTATION."</h3> + + <p>Candour (subacid virtue) compels me to set down that there was nothing + very notable or novel about the manipulation, by Messrs. HORACE ANNESLEY + VACHELL and THOMAS COBB, of the comedy of needless complications entitled + <i>Mrs. Pomeroy's Reputation</i>. The occasion was chiefly notable for the + return of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH to active service and the welcome she was + given by her splendidly loyal following.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/028.png"><img width="100%" src="images/028.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <h4>LETTICE AND IMPROMPTU DRESSING.</h4> + + <p><i>Lettice</i> MISS LETTICE FAIRFAX.</p> + + <p><i>Georgina</i> MISS VIOLET VANBRUGH.</p> + + <p><i>Vincent Dampier</i> MR. FRANK ESMOND.</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Sir Granville Pomeroy</i>, childless head of an odious family, has + designs on, and for, the son of his brother's pretty widow, he suspecting + her to be no fit and proper person to bring up a young <i>Pomeroy</i>. And + indeed three short months after her husband's death she played bridge, + bought a kimono and an expensive carpet, and, it is said, even flirted. Why + such recklessness? Well, she discovered a stray daughter of her sainted + husband. The irregular mother died, and of course solid <i>Mrs. Pomeroy</i> + with the bubble reputation did the handsome thing, and shut her mouth until + the fatal moment in the Third Act, when it all came out. Whereby and + wherein she discovered that the philandering <i>Vincent Dampier</i> could + trust where the solemn <i>Maurice Randall</i> could not. As a side issue + the blameless baronet had a little goose to wife, who went to + <i>Dampier's</i> Maidenhead bungalow and fell into the river. Elaborate + lies to explain quite simple situation to fool anxious to believe the + worst. Moral: Never lie to save a little goose.</p> + + <p>Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH was patently nervous with her part, a little jerky + and restless. She needn't have been. Loyalty would have carried her through + a duller play, to say nothing of her charming looks and her queenly way of + wearing a beautiful gown. Mr. LOWNE, as the baronet, made effective play + with a quite impossible part in a quite futile situation, and held the + reflector up to the best Mayfair Cockney with "<i>Georginar</i> explains." + He needn't apologise; we know it's true to life! The piece of acting that + most cheered me was Mr. GRAHAME HERINGTON as the philanderer's + manservant—a very tactful and observant performance. Mr. FRANK + ESMOND, the philanderer, seemed ill at ease (partly art but partly nature, + I judged, perhaps unjustly). Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX as the little goose was + what I believe is known as adequate.</p> + + <p>T.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>The Food Shortage.</h3> + + <p>Letter received by a schoolteacher:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Dear Miss,—Will you please let Sam out about 20 minutes to 12 + o'clock. His Granma is undergoing an operation this morning and I want + Sam for dinner.</p> + + <p>Yours truly, Mrs. ——."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>From a report of the British Music Convention:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "'How the British piano can raise the trade to Imperil dignity' was the + subject of an address."—<i>Scotsman</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>We hope the British piano will resist the temptation.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Portobello's dressing boxes for lady bathers are practically ready. + There are fifteen boxes at the Band Stand enclosure, very much resembling + ballot boxes in size, shape, and material."—<i>Edinburgh Evening + Dispatch</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>A happy thought to prepare the new voters for taking the plunge.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The members of the Cabinet occupied specially reserved seats in the + choir and lectern, where also the Lord Mayor was + seated."—<i>Scotsman</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>A little hard on the eagle.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>From a cinema advertisement:—</p> + + <blockquote> + "Actual Scenes of our Local Charming Cheddar Valley and the Beautiful + West of England Coast Scenery, also predicting those Glorious Sunset + Scenes that made Sir Alfred Turner 'famous.'"—<i>West Country + Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The General <i>will</i> be pleased.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "To-day the weather has cleared, but the record according to a + correspondent who, signing himself the 'oldest inhabitant,' has recently + written to the press, stating that in 1178 there was snow on Simla on + 14th April, has now been easily beaten."—<i>Rangoon Times</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>The oldest inhabitant, however, is still undefeated.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span> + + <h2>MY CUTHBERT.</h2> + + <p>For months I had been chasing Cuthbert. I had a store of withering + phrases burning to be poured over his unmentionable head. Last Tuesday my + opportunity arrived.</p> + + <p>A stranger was sitting comfortably in a deck-chair watching the vacant + courts at the tennis club. His keen bronzed face and his obviously athletic + body, clothed in white flannel, brought back to me the far days when the + sharp clean crack in the adjoining field told of a loose one which had been + got away square.</p> + + <p>I looked at him again and thought how glad he must be to get into mufti + for a few days. I tell you this to show how unprejudiced I was. The only + other signs of life were the two super-aborigines who inhabit the croquet + patch and detest all other mankind. I approached one of them warily and + asked a question. He regarded me with a bilious and suspicious eye.</p> + + <p>"Nothing whatever to do with the Army," he snapped, and a Prussian-blue + opponent was smacked off into an arid and hoopless waste.</p> + + <p>"Ah!" I exclaimed, "then he's only a rabbit after all."</p> + + <p>The old thing gave me an unfriendly glance and then missed his hoop + badly. I strolled across and sat down beside the newcomer. He smiled at me + in a frank and disarming manner.</p> + + <p>"What do you think of our courts?" I said by way of a start.</p> + + <p>"Top-hole," he replied; "I'm looking forward to some jolly games on + 'em."</p> + + <p>His obvious disregard of perspective annoyed me. In our village, tennis + is now played for hygienic reasons only.</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid we can't offer you much of a game," I said. "You see there's + a war on, and—but perhaps I can fix up a single for you after tea + with old Patterby. I believe he was very hot stuff in the seventies."</p> + + <p>"That's very good of you. I expect he'll knock my head off; I'm no use + at the game yet."</p> + + <p>He spoke as though an endless and blissful period of practice was in + front of him.</p> + + <p>"I suppose you'll be going back soon?"</p> + + <p>"Back where?"</p> + + <p>"I mean your leave will be up."</p> + + <p>"Oh, I'm out of a job just now."</p> + + <p>So it was genuine blatant indifference. I looked round for something + with which to slay him.</p> + + <p>"I wonder," he said thoughtfully, "if I shall ever find my tennis legs + again."</p> + + <p>"Have you lost them?" I asked sarcastically.</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid so—er—that is, of course, only one of them + really."</p> + + <p>"Only one of them?" I repeated vaguely.</p> + + <p>"Yes, Fritzie got it at Jutland; but these new mark gadgets are + top-hole. I can nearly dance the fox-trot with mine already."</p> + + <p>He stretched out the gadget in question and patted it + affectionately.</p> + + <p>The ensuing moment I count as the worst one I have ever known. I had + forgotten the Navy. My only excuse is that nowadays, owing to its urgent + and unadvertised affairs, we seldom have an opportunity in our village of + meeting the Senior Service. But I feel convinced that the irascible + Methuselah on the croquet ground was purposely and maliciously guilty of + <i>suppressio veri</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/029.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p>"OLE BILL SEZ 'E 'ARDLY NEVER SEES 'IS MISSUS NAH."</p> + + <p>"OH! 'OW'S THAT, THEN?"</p> + + <p>"COS SHE'S ALL MORNIN' AN' ARTERNOON IN A SUGAR CUE, AND 'E'S ALL + EVENIN' IN A BEER CUE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Wanted, good Man, to cut, make, and trim specials."—<i>Yorkshire + Paper.</i> + </blockquote> + + <p>In Yorkshire the new policeman's lot doesn't seem to be a very happy + one.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <h2>HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>The German CROWN PRINCE and Ex-King CONSTANTINE.</i>)</h3> + + <p><i>Crown Prince</i>. My poor old TINO, you are certainly not looking + yourself. Have a drink?</p> + + <p><i>Tino.</i> No, thank you. I really don't feel up to it.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> But that's the moment of all others when you ought to take + one. It's good stuff too—bubbly wine out of the cellar of one of my + French châteaux. Come, I'll pour you out a glass.</p> + + <p><i>Tino.</i> Well, if I must I must (<i>drinks</i>). Yes, there's no + fault to be found with it.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> You're looking better already. Now you can tell me all + about it.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i> (<i>bitterly</i>). Oh, there's not much to tell, except that + I was lured on by the promise of help, and when the crisis came there was + no help, and so I had to go.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> (<i>humming an air</i>).</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <p>And so, and so</p> + <p>He had, he had to go.</p> + </div> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. I beg your pardon.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> Sorry, old man, but the words fitted into the tune so + nicely I really couldn't resist trying it. Fire ahead.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. I said, I think, that I was promised help.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> Yes, you said that all right.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. And I added that there was no help when the trouble + came.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> You said "crisis," not "trouble," but we won't insist on a + trifle like that. Who was the rascal who broke his promise and refused to + help you?</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. You know well enough that it was your most gracious + father.</p> + + <p><i>C.P.</i> What! The ALL-HIGHEST! The INMOSTLY BELOVED! The + BEYOND-ALL-POWERFUL! Was it really he? And you believed him, did you? What + a cunning old fox it is, to be sure.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. You permit yourself to speak very lightly of the AUGUST + ONE, who also happens to be your father.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> To tell you the truth, I don't take him as seriously as he + takes himself. Nobody could.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. After what has happened I certainly shall not again. It's + entirely owing to him that I've lost my kingdom and that the hateful + VENIZELOS is back in Athens and that ALEXANDER is seated on my throne. If + your beloved father had only left me alone I should have worried through + all right.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> I always tell him he tries to do too much, but he's so + infatuated with being an Emperor that there's no holding him. You know he's + absolutely convinced that he and the Almighty are on special terms of + partnership.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. I've done a bit myself in that line and I know it doesn't + pay.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> I daresay I shall do it when my time comes.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. If it ever comes.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> If it depended on me alone things would go all right. I'm + told the people like me, and even the Socialists swear by me.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. How can you believe such nonsense? I tried to act on that + principle and here I am. And poor Russian NICKIE has had an even worse + fall—all through believing he had the people on his side.</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> Well, but I <i>know</i> they're all fond of me; but my + All-Highest One may get knocked out before I get my chance, and may carry + me down with him.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. Well, we must try to bear up, even if he should go the way + NICKIE has gone. In the meantime the War doesn't look particularly + promising, does it?</p> + + <p><i>C. P.</i> It certainly doesn't; and the Americans will be at our + throats directly. Do you know, I never thought very much of HINDENBURG.</p> + + <p><i>Tino</i>. I suppose you know someone who is younger and could do it + much better.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <h3>SOMEWHERE UP NORTH.</h3> + + <p><i>Naval Officer (to native)</i>. "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE GOLF + COURSE IS?"</p> + + <p><i>Native</i>. "YOU'RE ON THE FIRST GREEN THE NOO. YON'S THE FLAG OWER + THE BACK O' THAT STANE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "The difference between the classical Arabic and the colloquial is far + greater than that between the Greek of Cicero and the Greek of, let us + say, M. Gounaris."—<i>The Near East</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Of course there is also the difference of accent. CICERO spoke Greek + with a slight Roman accent and M. GOUNARIS speaks it with a strong German + one.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Two van-loads of shrapnel bullets were stopped by detectives in Prospect + Street, Rotherhithe."—<i>Morning Paper</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>Tough fellows, these detectives. Stopping a single bullet would put most + men out of action.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "Wanted, Cottage or two Double-bedded Rooms, in country river, 20-30 + miles from Birmingham, first fortnight of August."—<i>Daily Post + (Birmingham)</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>So convenient for friends to drop in.</p> + <hr /> + + <blockquote> + "If the latest air raid does not make the British bull-dog show his + talons in a way that we have up till now wished he might never do, well + nothing will."—<i>Berwick Journal</i>. + </blockquote> + + <p>With his new pedal equipment the British bull-dog should give the German + eagle pause.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>We are asked to state that a recently published work on <i>Beds and + Hunts</i> (METHUEN) is not a companion-volume to <i>Minor Horrors of + War</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO THE MEN WHO HAVE DIED FOR ENGLAND.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <p>All ye who fought since England was a name,</p> + <p class="i2">Because Her soil was holy in your eyes;</p> + <p>Who heard Her summons and confessed Her claim,</p> + <p class="i2">Who flung against a world's time-hallow'd lies</p> + <p>The truth of English freedom—fain to give</p> + <p class="i2">Those last lone moments, careless of your pain,</p> + <p>Knowing that only so must England live</p> + <p class="i2">And win, by sacrifice, the right to reign—</p> + <p>Be glad, that still the spur of your bequest</p> + <p class="i2">Urges your heirs their threefold way along—</p> + <p>The way of Toil that craveth not for rest,</p> + <p class="i2">Clear Honour, and stark Will to punish wrong!</p> + <p>The seed ye sow'd God quicken'd with His Breath;</p> + <p>The crop hath ripen'd—lo, there is no death!</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p>THE LINKS BEING DEVOTED TO ALLOTMENTS, MR. AND MRS. BUNKER-BROWNE + PRACTISE APPROACH SHOTS, WITH THE IDEA OF FILLING THEIR BASKET WITH + POTATOES AT THE SAME TIME.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h3> + + <p><i>Marmaduke</i> (HEINEMANN) has this peculiarity, that the title rôle + is by no means its most important or interesting character. Indeed it might + with more propriety have been called <i>Marrion</i>, since hers is not only + the central figure in the plot, but emphatically the one over which Mrs. F. + A. Steel has expended most care and affection. Moreover the untimely death + of <i>Marmaduke</i> leaves <i>Marrion</i> to carry on the story for several + chapters practically single-handed. I am bound to say, however, that at no + stage did she get much help from her colleagues, all of whom—the + gouty old father and his intriguing wife, the faithful servant, even + debonair <i>Marmaduke</i> himself—bear a certain air of familiarity. + But if frequent usage has something lessened their vitality, <i>Marrion</i> + is a living and credible human being, whether as daughter of a supposed + valet, adoring from afar the gay young ensign, or as the unacknowledged + wife of <i>Marmaduke</i> and mother of his child, or later as an army nurse + amid the horrors of Crimean mismanagement. Later still, when the long arm + of coincidence (making a greater stretch than I should have expected under + Mrs. Steel's direction) brought <i>Marrion</i> to the bedside of her parent + in a hospital tent, and converted her into a Polish princess, I lost a + little of my whole-hearted belief in her actuality. There are really two + parts to the tale—the Scotch courtship, with its intrigues, + frustrated elopements, <i>et hoc genus omne</i>; and the scenes, very + graphically written, of active service at Varna and Inkerman. I will not + pretend that the two parts are specially coherent; but at least Mrs. Steel + has given us some exceedingly interesting pictures of a period that our + novelists have, on the whole, unaccountably neglected.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>The Experiments of Ganymede Bunn</i> (HUTCHINSON) is like to command + a wide audience. Its appeal will equally be to the lovers of Irish scenes, + to those who affect stories about horses and hunting, and to the countless + myriads who are fond of imagining what they would do with an unexpected + legacy. It was this last that happened to <i>Ganymede</i>, who was left + seventeen thousand pounds by an aunt called <i>Juno</i> (the names of this + family are not the least demand that Miss Dorothea Conyers makes upon your + credulity). My mention of horses and Ireland shows you what he does with + his money, and where. It does not, however, indicate the result, which is a + happy variant upon what is usual in such cases. You know already, I + imagine, the special qualities to be looked for in a tale by Miss + Conyers—chief among them a rather baffling inability to lie a + straight course. If I may borrow a metaphor from her own favourite theme, + she is for ever dashing off on some alluring cross-scent. More important, + fortunately, than this is the enjoyment which she clearly has in writing + her stories and passes briskly on to the reader. There's a fine tang of the + open-air about them, and a smell of saddle-leather, that many persons will + consider well worth all the intricacies of your problem-novelists. I had + the idea that her honest vulgar little legatee and his speculations as a + horse-breeder might make a good subject <span class="pagenum"><a name= + "page32" id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span> for a character-comedian; but I + suppose the late LORD GEORGE SANGER is the only man who could have produced + the right equine cast.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The component elements of <i>The White Rook</i> (CHAPMAN AND HALL) may + be summarised in the picturesque argot of Army Ordnance somewhat as + follows: Chinamen, inscrutable, complete with mysterious drugs, one; wives, + misunderstood, Mark I, one; husbands, unsympathetic (for purposes of + assassination only), one; <i>ingénues</i>, Mark II, one; heroes, one; + squires, brutal, one; murders of sorts, three; ditto, attempted, several. + The inscrutable one is responsible for all the murders. Only the merest + accident, it seems, prevents him from disposing of the few fortunate + characters who survive to the concluding chapters of the story. He narrowly + misses the misunderstood wife (now a widow, thanks to his kind offices), + and his failure to bag the hero and <i>ingénue</i> (together with a handful + of subsidiary characters) is only a matter of minutes. There is almost a + false note about the last chapter, in which the Oriental commits suicide + before he has completed his grisly task; but it was obviously impossible + for anyone in the book to live happily ever after so long as he remained + alive. Just how Mr. HARRIS BURLAND and the villainous figment of his lively + imagination perform these deeds of dastard-do is not for me to reveal. The + publishers modestly claim that in the school of WILKIE COLLINS this author + has few rivals. As regards complexity of plot the claim is scarcely + substantiated by the volume before me; but if bloodshed be the food of + fiction Mr. BURLAND may slay on, secure in his pre-eminence.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>The <i>Rev. Frank Farmer</i>, hero of Mr. RICHARD MARSH'S <i>The + Deacon's Daughter</i> (LONG), was the youthful, good-looking and eloquent + Congregationalist minister of the very local town of Brasted, and the + ladies of his flock adored him. So earnestly indeed did they adore him + that, after he had preached a stirring series of sermons on the evils of + gambling, they decided to subscribe and send him for a holiday to Monte + Carlo. On his return he was to preach another course of sermons, which + "would rouse the national conscience and, with God's blessing, the + conscience of all Europe." Possibly you can guess what happened to him; I + did, and I am not a good guesser. The <i>Rev. Frank</i> had never been out + of England, and he found Monte Carlo inhabited by ladies who made him + blush. He could not understand their bold ways, so different from the + manner of the Brasted maidens. One of them laid especial siege to him and + assured him that he had "<i>la veine</i>." At first I am inclined to + believe that he thought she was talking of something varicose, but when he + understood what she meant he was at her mercy. In short he tried his luck, + to the dismay of his conscience but with prodigious benefit to his pocket. + His return to Brasted is described with excellent irony.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>Mr. WILL IRWIN'S war-book naturally divides itself into two parts, since + he was lucky enough to get near the Front both about Verdun during the + great attack, and with the Alpini fighting on "the roof of Armageddon." To + these brave and picturesque friends of ours he dedicates his study, <i>The + Latin at War</i> (CONSTABLE). You must not expect much of that inside + information which the author, as an American journalist, must have been + sorely tempted to produce. Indeed he has little to offer us that has not + been common property of the Correspondents for long enough, and several of + his descriptions (his picture of a glacier, for one), given with a rather + irritatingly childlike air of new discovery, cannot escape the charge of + commonplace. But his reflections, for once in a way the better half of + experience, more than make good this defect. His essay on Paris, for + instance—"the city of unshed tears"—is something more than + interesting, and his analysis of the cause of the successes of the French + army, in the face of initial defects of material, even better. The author + of <i>Westward Ho!</i>, considering the Spanish and English navies of + ELIZABETH'S time, found precisely the same contrasted elements of autocracy + and brotherliness producing just those results that we find respectively in + the German and French forces of to-day—on the one hand a mechanical + perfection of command, on the other an informed equality which, somehow, + does not make against efficiency whilst fostering individuality. Mr. IRWIN + hardly refers to our own Army; but one is thankful to remember that + discipline by consent, one of the virtues of true democracy, is not the + exclusive tradition of our French allies.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>A London Posy</i> (MILLS AND BOON) is a story with at least an + original setting. So far as I know, Miss SOPHIE COLE is the first novelist + to group her characters about an actual London house preserved as a + memorial to former inhabitants. The house in question is that in Gough + Square, where Dr. JOHNSON lived, and two of the chief characters are + <i>George Constant</i>, the curator, and his sister, to whom the shrine is + the most precious object in life ("housemaid to a ghost," one of the other + personages rather prettily calls her). It therefore may well be that to + ardent devotees of the great lexicographer this story of what might have + happened in his house to-day will make a stronger appeal than was the case + with me, who (to speak frankly) found it a trifle dull. It might be said, + though perhaps unkindly, that Miss COLE looks at life through such feminine + eyes that all her characters, male and female, are types of perfect + womanhood. In <i>Denis Laurie</i>, the gentle essayist and recluse, one + might expect to find some feminine attributes; but even the bolder and + badder lots, whose task it is to supply the melodramatic relief, struck me + as oddly unvirile. But this is only a personal view. Others, as I say, may + find this very gentle story of mild loves and two deserted wives a + refreshing contrast to the truths, so much stranger and more lurid than any + fiction, by which we are surrounded.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/032.png"><img width="100%" src="images/032.png" alt= + "" /></a> + + <p class="note">[Owing to a scarcity of literary matter at the Front, our + soldiers are sometimes reduced to telling each other tales.]</p> + + <p>Private Jones. "AND SHE <i>SAYS</i>, 'OH! WOT BLINKIN' GREAT EYES YOU + 'AVE, GRANDMOTHER!' AND THE WOLF, 'E SAYS, 'ALL THE BETTER TER SEE YER + WIV, MY DEAR.'"</p> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153, JULY 11, 1917 *** + +***** This file should be named 10143-h.htm or 10143-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/4/10143/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917 + Or the London Charivari. + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 20, 2003 [EBook #10143] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153 *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 153. + + + +JULY 11, 1917. + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"It is more dangerous to be a baby in London than a soldier in France," +said Mrs. H. B. IRVING at the National Baby Week Exhibition. The same +disability--namely, middle-age--has prevented us from taking up either +of these perilous _roles_. + + *** + +L.C.C. tram-tickets, says a news item, are now thinner. Other means of +increasing the space available for passengers are also under +consideration. + + *** + +Over one thousand penny dreadfuls were found in the possession of a boy +of sixteen who was sentenced to three months' imprisonment for theft. +The commonplace nature of the sentence has disgusted the lad. + + *** + +The report that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN had signed a contract to serve in +the British Army at 1s. 1d. a day is denied. + + *** + +As an outcome of Baby Week the Anti-Comforter League has been formed. +The suggestion that Mr. HOGGE, M.P., would make an admirable first +President has not been followed up. + + *** + +Humanitarians who have been urging the Government not to stain its hands +with the more painful forms of reprisal, have received a nasty shock. A +German spy has been arrested in London! + + *** + +The rubber cushions of billiard tables are now being taken by the German +military authorities. Meanwhile the enemy Press continues to take its +cue from HINDENBURG. + + *** + +A notorious Petrograd anarchist is reported to be ill, and has been +ordered to take a complete rest by his doctor. He has therefore decided +not to throw any bombs for awhile at least. + + *** + +Further evidence of the Eastern talent for adopting Western ideas and +improving on them comes from China, where the EX-EMPEROR HSUAN TUNG has +celebrated Baby Week by issuing a decree announcing his return to the +Throne. + + *** + +"The only plumber, electrician, hot-water-fitter, gas-fitter, +bell-hanger, zinc-worker, blacksmith and locksmith we have left"--such +was an employer's description of a C1 workman. We understand that the +War Office will mobilise him as a special corps as soon as they can +think of a sufficiently comprehensive title for him. + + *** + +Several milkmen have reduced their prices from sixpence to fivepence. +Other good results from the timely rains are expected. + + *** + +A miner, fined one pound for wasting bread, was said to have thrown his +dinner--a mutton chop, onion sauce, and two slices of bread--on the fire +because he could not have potatoes. There is a strong feeling that the +Censor should prohibit publication of these glaring cases of hardship on +the ground that they are likely to encourage the Germans to prolong the +War. + + *** + +Large quantities of food have been carried off by a burglar from several +houses in the Heathfield district. Knowing our War bread, we are +confident that it did not give in without a struggle. + + *** + +We are sorry to find _The Globe_ making playful reference to the many +postponements of certain music-hall revues. Mr. Justice DARLING will +agree that these things cannot be postponed too often. + + *** + +"How can I distinguish poisonous from edible fungi?" asks a correspondent +of _The Daily Mail_. The most satisfactory test is to look for them. If +you find them they are likely to be poisonous. If they have been already +gathered they were probably edible. + + *** + +It is now admitted that the conscientious objectors undergoing sentence +at Dartmoor are allowed to have week-ends occasionally. This concession, +it appears, had to be granted as several of them threatened to leave the +place. + + *** + +The pessimists who maintain that this will be a long war are feeling +pretty cheap just now. An American scientific journal declares that the +world can only last another fifteen million years. + + *** + +Roughly speaking, says a weekly paper, there is a policeman for every +sixteen square miles. This gives them plenty of room to turn round in. + + *** + +It is reported that ex-KING CONSTANTINO is to receive L20,000 a year +unemployment benefit. + + *** + +We have heard so little of the Hidden Hand this past week or so that we +are tempted to ask whether it is suffering from writer's cramp. + + *** + +It is reported that three large jam factories have been commandeered by +the Military. A soldier writes to ask whether it is proposed to include +jam in the list of field punishments. + + *** + +"Justices cannot guarantee results to litigants in advance," said the +Willesden magistrate recently. Not without trespassing on the privileges +of the Bar. + + *** + +As a demonstration of allegiance to their country's cause the Apaches of +Northern America are to hold a great "Devil Dance" in Arizona. It only +needed this to convince us that all was well with America. + + *** + +A flask of wine of the year A.D. 17, found in a Roman tomb in Bavaria, +is said to be the oldest extant vintage. It antedates Sir FREDERICK +BANBURY'S brand of Toryism by several years. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE FOP. + +_Looker-on_. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE NEXT, CLARENCE,--ELECTRIC +SHAMPOO OR FACE MANICURED?"] + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. ----, who has just entered her 192nd year, reads without + glasses, writes to her grandchildren fighting abroad, and knits + articles for King George's Military Hospital."--_Daily Express + (Dublin)_. + +Those grandchildren must be getting a little old for active service. + + * * * * * + +TINO IN EXILE. + + [As indicated on another page, TINO'S actual opinion of his + Imperial brother-in-law is probably not too amiable; but it has + to be disguised in his letters, which are liable to be censored + by his wife.] + + Thank you, dear William, I am fairly well. + The climate suits me and the simple life-- + No diplomats to spoil the scenery's spell, + And only faintest echoes of the strife; + The Alps are mirrored in a lake of blue; + Over my straw-crowned poll the blue skies laugh; + A waterfall (no charge) completes a view + Equal to any German oleograph. + + There are no bugle blares to make me jump, + But just the jodler calling to his kine; + A few good Teuton toadies, loud and plump, + More than suffice me in the _levee_ line; + And, when poor ALEXANDER, there in Greece, + Writes of your "agents" rounded up and sacked, + I am content with privacy and peace, + Having, at worst, retained my head intact. + + SOPHIE and I have thought of you a lot + (We have so very few distractions here; + We chat about the weather, which is hot, + And then we turn to talk of your career); + For rumour says this bloody war will last + Until the Hohenzollerns get the boot; + And through my brain the bright idea has passed + That you had better do an early scoot. + + Were it not wise, dear WILLIAM, ere the day + When Revolution goes for crowns and things, + To cut your loss betimes and come this way + And start a coterie of Exiled Kings? + You might (the choice of safe retreats is poor) + Do worse than join me in this happy land, + And spend your last phase, careless, if obscure, + With your devoted TINO hand-in-hand. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +MONSIEUR JOSEPH. + +On the day that I left hospital, with a month's sick leave in hand, I +went to dine at my favourite Soho restaurant, the Mazarin, which I +always liked because it provided an excellent meal for an extremely +modest sum. But this evening my steps turned towards the old place +because I wanted a word with Monsieur Joseph, the head-waiter. + +I found him the same genial soul as ever, though a shade stouter perhaps +and greyer at the temples, and I flatter myself that it was with a smile +of genuine pleasure that he led me to my old table in a corner of the +room. + +When the crowd of diners had thinned he came to me for a chat. + +"It is indeed a pleasure to see M'sieur after so long a time," said he, +"for, alas, there are so many others of our old clients who will not +ever return." + +I told him that I too was glad to be sitting in the comparative quiet of +the Mazarin, and asked him how he fared. + +Joseph smiled. "I 'ave a surprise for M'sieur," he said--"yes, a great +surprise. There are ten, fifteen years that I work in thees place, and +in four more weeks _le patron_ will retire and I become the proprietor. +Oh, it is bee-utiful," he continued, clasping his hands rapturously, "to +think that in so leetle time I, who came to London a poor waiter, shall +be _patron_ of one of its finest restaurants." + +I offered him my warmest congratulations. If ever a man deserved success +it was he, and it was good to see the look of pleasure on his face as I +told him so. + +"And now," said I presently, "I also have a surprise for you, Joseph." + +He laughed. "Eh bien, M'sieur, it is your turn to take my breath away." + +"My last billet in France, before being wounded," I told him, "was in a +Picardy village called Flechinelle." + +He raised his hands. "Mon Dieu," he cried, "it is my own village!" + +"More than that," I continued, "for nearly six weeks I lodged just +behind the church, in a whitewashed cottage with a stock of oranges, +pipes and boot-laces for sale in the window." + +"It is my mother's shop!" he exclaimed breathlessly. + +I nodded my head, and then proceeded to give him the hundred-and-one +messages that I had received from the little old lady as soon as she +discovered that I knew her son. + +"It is so long since I 'ave seen 'er," said Monsieur Joseph, blowing his +nose violently. "So 'ard I work in London these ten, fifteen years that +only once have I gone 'ome since my father died." + +Then I told him how bent and old his mother was, and how lonesome she +had seemed all by herself in the cottage, and as I spoke of the shop +which she still kept going in her front-room the tears fairly rained +down his face. + +"But, M'sieur," said he, "that which you tell me is indeed strange; for +those letters which she writes to me week by week are always gay, and it +'as seemed to me that my mother was well content." + +Then he struck his fist on the table. "I 'ave it," he said. "She shall +come to live 'ere with me in Londres. All that she desires shall be +'ers, for am I not a rich man?" + +I shook my head. "She would never leave her village now," I told him. +"And I know well that she desires nothing in the world except to see you +again." + +Then as I rose to go, "Good night, M'sieur," said Joseph a little sadly. +"Be very sure that there is always a welcome for you 'ere." + +The next time that I dined at the Mazarin was some four weeks later, on +the eve of my return to the Front. A strange waiter showed me to my +place, and Joseph was nowhere to be seen. Indeed a wholly different air +seemed to pervade the place since my last visit. Presently I beckoned to +a waiter whom I recognised as having served under the old _regime_. +"Where is Monsieur Joseph?" I asked him. + +"Where indeed, Sir!" the man replied. "It is all so strange. One day it +is arranged that he shall take over the restaurant and its staff, and on +the next he come to say 'Good-bye' to us all, and then leave for France. +Oh, it is _drole_. So good a business man to lose the chance that comes +once only in a life! He is too old to fight. Yet who knows? Maybe he +heard of something better out there...." + +As the man spoke the gold-and-white walls of the restaurant faded, the +clatter of plates and dishes died away, and I was back again in a tiny +village shop in Picardy. Across the counter, packed with its curious +stock, I saw Monsieur Joseph, with shirt-sleeves rolled up, gravely +handing a stick of chocolate to a child, and taking its sou in return. +In the diminutive kitchen behind sat a little white-haired old lady with +such a look of content on her face as I have rarely seen. + +Then suddenly I found myself back again in the London restaurant. + +"Yes," I said to the waiter, "it is possible, as you say, that Monsieur +Joseph heard of something better in France." + +And raising my glass I drank a silent toast. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TUBER'S REPARTEE. + +GERMAN PIRATE. "GOTT STRAFE ENGLAND!" + +BRITISH POTATO. "TUBER UeBER ALLES!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Crowd_. "WOULD YER LIKE TO GO TO HORSPITAL?"--"SHALL I +GET YER A DROP OF BRANDY?"--"DID YER SLIP ON THE BANANA-PEEL?" "DID YER +FALL?"--"ARE YER HURT, SIR?"--"SHALL I FETCH A DOCTOR?"--"IS THAT YOUR +HAT, SIR?" + +_Ex-Cabinet Minister_. "THE ANSWERS TO ONE, TWO, FIVE AND SIX ARE IN THE +NEGATIVE; TO THREE, FOUR AND SEVEN IN THE AFFIRMATIVE."] + + * * * * * + +THE MUD LARKS. + +You have all seen it in the latest V.C. list--"The Reverend Paul Grayne, +Chaplain to the Forces, for conspicuous bravery and gallant example in +the face of desperate circumstances." + +You have all pictured him, the beau-ideal of muscular Christian, the +Fighting Parson, eighteen hands high, terrific in wind and limb, with a +golden mane and a Greek profile; a Pekinese in the drawing-room, a +bull-dog in the arena; a soupcon of Saint FRANCIS with a dash of JOHN L. +SULLIVAN--and all that. + +But we who have met heroes know that they are very seldom of the type +which achieves the immortality of the picture post-card. + +The stalwart with pearly teeth, lilac eyes and curly lashes is C3 at +Lloyd's (Sir FRANCIS), and may be heard twice daily at the Frivolity +singing, "My Goo-goo Girl from Honolulu" to entranced flappers; while +the lad who has Fritzie D. Hun backed on the ropes, clinching for time, +is usually gifted with bow legs, freckles, a dented proboscis and a +coiffure after the manner of a wire-haired terrier. + +The Reverend Paul Grayne, V.C., sometime curate of Thorpington Parva, in +the county of Hampshire, was no exception to this rule. AEsthetically he +was a blot on the landscape; among all the heroes I have met I never saw +anything less heroically moulded. + +He stood about five feet nought and tipped the beam at seven stone +nothing. He had a mild chinless face and his long beaky nose, round +large spectacles, and trick of cocking his head sideways when +conversing, gave him the appearance of an intelligent little dicky-bird. + +I remember very well the occasion of our first meeting. I was in my +troop lines one afternoon, blackguarding a farrier, when a loud nicker +sounded on the road and a black cob, bearing a feebly protesting padre +upon his fat back, trotted through the gate, up to the lines and began +to swop How d'y'do's with my hairies. The little Padre cocked his head +on one side and oozed apologies from every pore. + +He hadn't meant to intrude, he twittered; Peter had brought him; it was +Peter's fault; Peter was very eccentric. + +Peter, I gathered, was the fat cob, who by this time had butted into the +lines and was tearing at a hay net as if he hadn't had a meal for years. + +His alleged master looked at me hopeless, helpless. What was he to do? +"Well, since Peter is evidently stopping to tea with my horses," said I, +"the only thing you can do is to come to tea with us." So I lifted him +down and bore him off to the cow-shed inhabited by our mess at the time +and regaled him on chlorinated Mazawattee, marmalade and dog biscuit. An +hour later, Peter willing, he left us. + +We saw a lot of the Padre after that. Peter, it appeared, had taken +quite a fancy to us and frequently brought him round to meals. The Padre +had no word of say in the matter. He confessed that, when he embarked +upon Peter in the morning, he had not the vaguest idea where mid-day +would find him. Nothing but the black cob's fortunate rule of going home +to supper saved the Padre from being posted as a deserter. + +He had an uneasy feeling that Peter would one day suddenly sicken of the +war and that he would find himself in Paris or on the Riviera. We had an +uneasy feeling that Peter would one day develop a curiosity as to the +Bosch horse rations, and stroll across the line, and we should lose the +Padre, a thing we could ill afford to do, for by this time he had taken +us under his wing spiritually and bodily. On Sundays he would appear in +our midst dragging a folding harmonium and hold Church Parade, leading +the hymns in his twittering bird-like voice. + +Then the spinster ladies of his old parish of Thorpington Parva gave him +a Ford car, and with this he scoured back areas for provisions and +threaded his tin buggy in and out of columns of dusty infantry and +clattering ammunition limbers, spectacles gleaming, cap slightly awry, +while his batman (a wag) perched precariously a-top of a rocking pile of +biscuit tins, cigarette cases and boxes of tinned fruit, and shouted +after the fashion of railway porters, "By your leave! Fags for the +firin' line. Way for the Woodbine Express." + +But if we saw a lot of the Padre it was the Antrims who looked upon him +as their special property. They were line infantry, of the type which +gets most of the work and none of the Press notices, a hard-bitten, +unregenerate crowd, who cared not a whit whether Belgium bled or not, +but loved fighting for its own sake and put their faith in bayonet and +butt. And wherever these Antrims went thither went the Padre also, his +harmonium and his Woodbines. I have a story that, when they were in a +certain part of the line where the trenches were only thirty yards apart +(so close indeed that the opposing forces greeted each other by their +first names and borrowed one another's wiring tools), the Padre dragged +the harmonium into the front line and held service there, and the +Germans over the way joined lustily in the hymns. He kept the men of the +Antrims going on canteen delicacies and their officers in a constant +bubble of joy. He swallowed their tall stories without a gulp; they +pulled one leg and he offered the other; he fell headlong into every +silly trap they set for him. Also they achieved merit in other messes by +peddling yarns of his wonderful innocence and his incredible +absent-mindedness. + +"Came to me yesterday, the Dicky Bird did," one of them would relate; +"wanted advice about that fat fraud of his, Peter. 'He's got an abrasion +on the knob of his right-hand front paw,' says he. 'Dicky Bird,' says I, +'that is no way to describe the anatomy of a horse after all the +teaching I've given you.' 'I am so forgetful and horsey terms are so +confusing,' he moans. 'Oh, I recollect now--his starboard ankle!' The +dear babe!" + +In the course of time the Antrims went into the Push, but on this +occasion they refused to take the Padre with them, explaining that +Pushes were noisy affairs with messy accidents happening in even the +best regulated battalions. + +The Padre was up at midnight to see them go, his spectacles misty. They +went over the bags at dawn, reached their objective in twenty minutes +and scratched themselves in. The Padre rejoined them ten minutes later, +very badly winded, but bringing a case of Woodbines along with him. + +My friend Patrick grabbed him by the leg and dragged him into a +shell-hole. Nothing but an inherent respect for his cloth restrained +Patrick from giving the Dicky Bird the spanking of his life. At 8 A.M. +the Hun countered heavily and hove the Antrims out. Patrick retreated in +good order, leading the Padre by an ear. The Antrims sat down, licked +their cuts, puffed some of the Woodbines, then went back and pitchforked +the Bosch in his tender spots. The Bosch collected fresh help and bobbed +up again. Business continued brisk all day, and when night fell the +Antrims were left masters of the position. + +At 1 A.M. they were relieved by the Rutland Rifles, and a dog weary +battered remnant of the battalion crawled back to camp in a sunken road +a mile in the rear. One or two found bivouacs left by the Rutlands, but +the majority dropped where they halted. My friend Patrick found a +bivouac, wormed into it and went to sleep. The next thing he remembers +was the roof of his abode caving in with the weight of two men +struggling violently. Patrick extricated himself somehow and rolled out +into the grey dawn to find the sunken road filled with grey figures, in +among the bivouacs and shell holes, stabbing at the sleeping Antrims. +Here and there men were locked together, struggling tooth and claw; the +air was vibrant with a ghastly pandemonium of grunts and shrieks; the +sunken road ran like a slaughter-house gutter. There was only one thing +to do, and that was to get out, so Patrick did so, driving before him +what men he could collect. + +A man staggered past him, blowing like a walrus. It was the Padre's +batman, and he had his master tucked under one arm, in his underclothes, +kicking feebly. + +Patrick halted his men beyond the hill crest, and there the Colonel +joined him, trotting on his stockinged feet. Other officers arrived, +herding men. "They must have rushed the Ruts., Sir," Patrick panted; +"must be after those guns just behind us." "They'll get 'em too," said +the Colonel grimly. "We can't stop 'em," said the Senior Captain. "If we +counter at once we might give the Loamshires time to come up--they're in +support, Sir--but--but, if they attack us, they'll get those guns--run +right over us." + +The Colonel nodded. "Man, I know, I know; but look at 'em"--he pointed +to the pathetic remnant of his battalion lying out behind the +crest--"they're dropping asleep where they lie--they're beat to a +finish--not another kick left in 'em." + +He sat down and buried his face in his hands. The redoubtable Antrims +had come to the end. + +Suddenly came a shout from the Senior Captain, "Good Lord, what's that +fellow after? Who the devil is it?" + +They all turned and saw a tiny figure, clad only in underclothes, +marching deliberately over the ridge towards the Germans. + +"Who is it?" the Colonel repeated. "Beggin' your pardon, the Reverend, +Sir," said the Padre's batman as he strode past the group of officers. +"'E give me the slip, Sir. Gawd knows wot 'e's up to now." He lifted up +his voice and wailed after his master, "'Ere, you come back this minute, +Sir. You'll get yourself in trouble again. Do you 'ear me, Sir?" But the +Padre apparently did not hear him, for he plodded steadily on his way. +The batman gave a sob of despair and broke into a double. + +The Colonel sprang to his feet, "Hey, stop him, somebody! Those swine'll +shoot him in a second--child murder!" + +Two subalterns ran forward, followed by a trio of N.C.O.'s. All along +the line men lifted their weary heads from the ground and saw the tiny +figure on the ridge silhouetted against the red east. + +"Oo's that blinkin' fool?" + +"The Padre." + +"Wot's 'e doin' of?" + +"Gawd knows." + +A man rose to his knees, from his knees to his feet, and stumbled +forward, mumbling, "'E give me a packet of fags when I was broke." "Me +too," growled another, and followed his chum. "They'll shoot 'im in a +minute," a voice shouted, suddenly frightened. "'Ere, this ain't war, +this is blasted baby-killin'." + +In another five seconds the whole line was up and jogging forward at a +lurching double. "And a little child shall lead them," murmured the +Colonel happily, as he put his best foot forwards; a miracle had +happened, and his dear ruffians would go down in glory. + +But as they topped the hill crest came the shrill of a whistle from the +opposite ridge, and there was half a battalion of the Rutlands +back-casting for the enemy that had broken through their posts. With +wild yells both parties charged downwards into the sunken road. + +When the tumult and shouting had died Patrick went in quest of the +little Padre. + +He discovered him sitting on the wreck of his bivouac of the night; he +was clasping some small article to his bosom, and the look in his face +was that of a man who had found his heart's desire. + +Patrick sat himself down on a box of bombs, and looked humbly at the +Reverend Paul. It is an awful thing for a man suddenly to find he has +been entertaining a hero unawares. + +"Oh, Dicky Bird, Dicky Bird, why did you do it?" he inquired softly. + +The Padre cocked his head on one side and commenced to ooze apologies +from every pore. + +"Oh dear--you know how absurdly absent-minded I am; well, I suddenly +remembered I had left my teeth behind." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "And what regiment are you in?" + +_The Sub._ "7th Blankshires. But I'm attached to the 9th Wessex." + +_Old Lady._ "Really! Now _do_ tell me why the officers get so fond of +regiments with aren't their own."] + + * * * * * + + "At Nottingham on Saturday the damages ranging from L7 10s. to + L3 were ordered to be paid by a number of miners for + absenteeism. It was stated that, although absolved from + military obligations by reason of their occupation, there had + been glaring neglect of responsibility, some men having lost + three ships a week."--_Western Morning News_. + +These mines are very tricky things. + + * * * * * + +THE AS. + +The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about +it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they +sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to +the vocabulary since August, 1914, that a glossary, and perhaps more +than one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of +this glossary it is almost impossible to read some of the numerous +novels of poilu life. + +So far as I am aware the latest creation is the infinitesimal word "as," +or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des carreaux" (to +give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. To-day all France, +with that swift assimilation which has ever been one of its many +mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it. + +And what is this new "as"? I gather, without having had the advantage of +cross-examining a French soldier, that an "as" is an obscure hero, one +of the men, and they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but +do not get into the papers or receive medals or any mention in +despatches. We all know that many of the finest deeds performed in war +escape recognition. One does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and +D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses and all the other desirable tokens of +valour are conferred wrongly. Nothing of the kind. They are nobly +deserved. But probably there never was a recipient of the V.C. or the +D.S.O. or the Military Cross who could not--and did not wish to--tell +his Sovereign, when the coveted honour was being pinned to His breast, +of some other soldier not less worthy than himself of being decorated, +whose deed of gallantry was performed under less noticeable conditions. +The performer of such a deed is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not +public hero. But why ace of diamonds? That I cannot explain. + +The "as" can be found in every branch of the Army, and he is recognised +as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant. +Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be +numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying +anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of +these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that +chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A." + +All that I know of the "as" I have gathered from the French satirical +paper, a child of the War, _La Baionette_. This paper comes out every +week and devotes itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette au Beurre_, +used to do, to one theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle, +usually in the army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the +War steadily occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I +find recorded an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to +tell it here, very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before +the attack at Carency, and he vouches for the accuracy of his report, +for he was himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbe a +regiment was assembled, and to them spoke their Captain. The scene was +the yard of a farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure +heap in the middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two +American reapers and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a +thin predatory dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable +and now and then scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the +dwelling-house door; the old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there, +drawn up, listening to their Captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all +hard-bitten, weary, all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed, +and all ready to go on for ever. + +This is what the Captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking +calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen +the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant, +and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to +attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an +hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be +the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed +at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for +the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be +killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn, +according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at +Saida before the War. What will be left by the time you have reached the +point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a +lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold +it. Fall out." + +That captain was an "as." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OW D'YER LIKE BEING PUT ON TRANSPORT WORK, MATE?" +"BLIMEY! WHAT THE DOOCE MADE ME TELL 'EM I'D ONCE DRUV A DONKEY!"] + + * * * * * + +Domestic Intelligence. + + "Owing to doctor's orders Mrs. ---- has been obliged to cancel + all her engagements during Baby Week."--_Morning Paper_. + + * * * * * + +I STOOD AGAINST THE WINDOW. + + I stood against the window + And looked between the bars, + And there were strings of fairies + Hanging from the stars; + Everywhere and everywhere + In shining swinging chains, + Like rainbows spun from moonlight + And twisted into skeins. + + They kept on swinging, swinging, + They flung themselves so high + They caught upon the pointed moon + And hung across the sky; + And when I woke next morning + There still were crowds and crowds + In beautiful bright bunches + All sleeping on the clouds. + + * * * * * + +From a constable's evidence:-- + + "In his attempt to arrest her she threw herself on the ground + and tried to smack his face."--_Weekly Dispatch_. + +The long arm of the law resents such presumptuous rivalry. + + * * * * * + + "ALL KINDS OF DEVILS MADE TO ORDER. ---- & ----, + SHEFFIELD."--_The Ironmonger._ + +This looks uncommonly like an offer to trade with the enemy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wife (to warrior, whose politeness to the waitress has +been duly noted)_. "HUM! YOU SEEM TO 'AVE COME BACK 'ALF FRENCH."] + + * * * * * + +THE GIPSY SOLDIER + + The gipsy wife came to my door with pegs and brooms to sell + They make by many a roadside fire and many a greenwood dell, + With bee-skeps and with baskets wove of osier, rush and sedge, + And withies from the river-beds and brambles from the hedge. + + With her stately grace, like PHARAOH'S queen (for all her broken + shoon), + You'd marvel one so tall and proud should ever ask a boon, + But "living's dear for us poor folk" and "money can't be had," + And "her man's in Mespotania" and "times is cruel bad!" + + Yes, times is cruel bad, we know, and passing strange also, + And it's strange as anything I've heard that gipsy men should go + To lands through which their forbears trod from some unknown abode + The way that ended long ago upon the Portsmouth Road. + + I wonder if the Eastern skies and Eastern odours seem + Familiar to that gipsy man, as memories of a dream; + Does Tigris' flow stir ancient dreams from immemorial rest + Ere ever gipsy poached the trout of Itchen and of Test? + + Does something in him seem to know those red and arid lands + Where dust of ancient cities sleeps beneath the drifted sands? + Do Kurdish girls with lustrous eyes beneath their drooping lids + And Eastern babes look strangely like the Missis and the kids? + + I wonder if the waving palms, when desert winds do blow, + In their dry rustling seem to sing a song he used to know; + Or does he only curse the heat and wish that he were laid + Beneath the spread of RUFUS' oaks or Harewood's beechen shade? + + Well, luck be with the gipsy man and lead him safely home + To the old familiar caravan and ways he used to roam, + And bring him as it brought his sires from their far first abode + To where the gipsy camp-fires burn along the Portsmouth Road. + +C. F. S. + + * * * * * + + "The Premier's principal speech was made in St. Andrew's Hall, + where he was presented with the Freedam of the + City."--_Liverpool Post and Mercury._ + +Which he promptly passed on to the enemy. + + * * * * * + + "Skilled non-workers all over the Union have for some time been + in great demand, and enough of them are not available at the + present time."--_Rand Daily Mail_. + +There are still a few that the old country could spare. + + * * * * * + + "Rhode Island Red, 200 year old pullets, laying, 5s. + each."--_Nottingham Guardian_. + +We fancy it must have been one of these veterans that we met at dinner +the other night. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BRUSILOFF HUG. THE KAISER. "I'M ALL FOR +FRATERNISATION, BUT I CALL THIS OVERDOING IT."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, July 2nd._--On the Finance Bill Mr. BONAR LAW exhibited a +conciliatory disposition; and, indignantly disclaiming the character of +a kill-joy, made several welcome concessions to the taxpayer. The late +increase in the tobacco duty is to be halved, so that the modest smoker +may hope to fill his pipe for a penny less per ounce. This hope, of +course, is dependent upon the decision of the all-powerful Trust. + +[Illustration: NO KILL-JOY. MR. BONAR LAW.] + +The Entertainments Tax also is to be modified, chiefly in its higher +regions. Intimately connected with this question is the case of the +"deadhead," argued with the zeal that is according to knowledge by that +eminent playwright, Mr. HEMMERDE, who knows all about the free-list and +its services in "enabling the management to keep the house properly +dressed"--this refers, of course, to the front of the house--during the +doubtful first weeks of a new play. + +Mr. HOGGE was in his place again. It had been reported that, consequent +upon a hasty pledge to remain in Liverpool until his candidate was +returned, he was now doomed for ever to wander an unquiet sprite upon +the banks of Mersey. But he has wisely determined that Parliament must +not suffer to please his private whim. + +_Tuesday, July 3rd._--The House of Lords was crowded to hear Lord +HARDINGE'S comments upon the Mesopotamia Report. Even those critics in +the Commons who had declared that a civil servant should not take +advantage of his position as a peer to make a personal explanation +would, I think, have had no reason to complain of its character. His +object was not to defend himself, but to call attention to the splendid +services that India had rendered to the Empire during the War in other +fields than Mesopotamia. In his own phrase, "India was bled absolutely +white during the first few weeks of the War." + +When the report comes up for formal discussion Lord CURZON will +doubtless have something to say, and will say it in vigorous fashion. +To-day, with the air and mien of a highly respectable undertaker, he +contented himself with acknowledging Lord HARDINGE'S contribution and +deprecated further debate. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL, safely back from his travels, does not appear to have +kept himself up to date in the interval, for he was ignorant of the +refusal of the Allies to allow Greece to set up a republic, although Mr. +KING, with his superior sources of information, knows all about it. + +[Illustration: PARENTAL PRIDE. LORD DERBY.] + +At the close of Questions a stalwart young man in khaki advanced to the +Table, and, amid the cheers of the Members and to the obvious delight of +Lord DERBY, who sat beaming with parental pride in the Peers' Gallery, +added the signature "STANLEY" to a roll which has rarely been without +that name since "the Rupert of debate" signed it there close on a +hundred years ago. + +Excess profits provided the theme for some lively speeches to-day. Major +HAMILTON did not see why farmers should escape the tax, and instanced +the case of a potato-grower who had made ten thousand pounds out of a +couple of hundred acres. Several Members connected with the shipping +interest protested against the tax. Mr. LEIF-JONES implied that it was +more disastrous than the U-boats, and Mr. HOUSTON loudly protested at +being represented as a harpy. + +By these complaints Mr. BONAR LAW was absolutely unmoved, and for very +good reason. He had himself a few thousands invested in shipping, and, +as he was getting about fifty per cent., instead of the modest five per +cent. which he had anticipated, he had come to the conclusion that even +under present conditions the trade was doing pretty well. After this +confession of an involuntary profiteer the tax was agreed to. But the +farmers, with next year's Budget in view, are praying that the +conscientious CHANCELLOR will not invest his surplus profits in land. + +_Wednesday, July 4th_.--We all know the ex-poacher-turned-game-keeper. +The converse process has taken place in the case of Lord PORTSMOUTH, +who, when he ceased to be a Minister of the Crown, became a bitter +critic of successive Administrations. His complaints of our blockade +policy were frigidly acknowledged by Lord MILNER and hotly resented by +Lord LANSDOWNE, upon whom Lord PORTSMOUTH'S ruddy beard always has a +provocative effect. It is all very well to talk of being ruthless to +neutrals, but if we had adopted the noble lord's policy early in the War +would the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes be to-day floating side +by side all over London? + +Mr. LYNCH'S latest suggestion for the furtherance of his Republican +propaganda is that the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS should remove from the +streets all statues of deceased monarchs, and replace them by those of +great leaders of thought. Sir ALFRED MOND absolutely refused. The worst +kings sometimes make the best statues, and he is not prepared to +sacrifice JAMES II. from the Admiralty even to put Mr. LYNCH himself on +the vacant pedestal. + +"P. R." came up smiling for another round, and, having secured the +services on this occasion of Mr. ASQUITH as judicious bottle-holder, was +expected to make a good fight of it. The EX-PREMIER scouted the notion +that the new plan of voting would fill the House with freaks and +faddists, a class from which, he hinted, it is not, even under present +conditions, entirely immune. But the majority evidently felt that there +could not be much amiss with a system which had returned such wise and +patriotic persons as themselves to Parliament, and they outed P. R. by +201 to 169. + +_Thursday, July 5th_.--It is hardly surprising that the Government has +decided not to proceed at present with its great scheme of nationalizing +the liquor-traffic. The announcement that, in order to meet the +requirements of the harvest-season, the brewers should be allowed to +increase the output of beer by one-third, brought a swarm of hornets +about the CHANCELLOR'S head. Mr. LEIF-JONES (irreverently known as +"Tea-leaf JONES") was horrified at the thought that more grain and sugar +should be diverted to this pernicious liquid; Mr. DEVLIN and other +champions of the trade were almost equally annoyed because the +harvest-beer was to be of a lower specific gravity. The storm of +"supplementaries" showed no sign of abating, until the SPEAKER, who +rarely fails to find the appropriate phrase, remarked upon "This thirst +for information," and so dissolved the House in laughter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gunner (home on leave)_. "WAITER, MY NEIGHBOUR'S EFFORTS +WITH HIS SOUP (BY THE WAY, I'M SURE HE OUGHT TO BE INTERNED) ARE MORE +THAN I CAN BEAR. WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME BY ASKING THE BAND TO PUT UP A +BARRAGE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE WEARY WATCHER. + + ["Almost exactly a month ago--on May 30th--I advised my readers + to 'Watch Karolyi,' and now I emphasize the advice."--_"The + Clubman" in The Evening Standard, July 2nd_.] + + Since very early in the War + My Mentors in the Press + Have never failed in warning me, + By way of S.O.S., + To keep my eye on So-and-So + In times of storm and stress. + + I think that WINSTON was the first + Commended to my gaze, + But very soon I found my eyes-- + Tired by the limelight's blaze-- + Incapable of following + His strange and devious ways. + + I watched the PRESIDENT and thought + (Unjustly) he was canting; + I watched our late PRIME MINISTER + When furious scribes were ranting, + And vigilantly bent my looks + On HARDEN and on BRANTING. + + I watched JONESCU, also JONES + (Great KENNEDY) and HUGHES; + I sought illumination from + BILLING'S momentous views; + I watched Freemasons, Socialists, + And Salonica Jews. + + And lately with emotions which + Transcend the power of rhymes + I've scanned with reverential eye + Those highly-favoured climes + Ennobled by the presence of + The ruler of the T***s. + + I've glued my eye on seer and sage, + On Mecca's brave Sherif; + I've fastened it on what's-his-name, + The famed Albanian chief, + Till, wearying of the watcher's task, + At length I crave relief. + + So when I'm bidden at this stage + To start the game anew + And keep KAROLYI constantly + And carefully in view, + I think I'm wholly justified + In answering, "Nah Poo!" + + * * * * * + +AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT. + + "Dundee," said one of its leading citizens at the luncheon, + "will stand by Mr. Churchill to the last letter."--_Daily + Chronicle_. + +Evidently "l" itself would not sever Mr. CHURCHILL'S connection with his +old friends. + + * * * * * + + "$20 buys a horse, good in his wind, if sold at + once."--_Canadian Paper_. + +Better not wait for his second wind. + + * * * * * + + "Coow wanted, first week in August, for Lads Brigade Camp, 120 + Lads; must be used to Field kitchens." + +It looks like being "bad for the coow." + + * * * * * + +GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS. + +WAR WORK. + +War work is what wimmen do when their arnt enuff men. Or men do it too +sometimes if they are rather old and weak and cant be soldiers, but it +is mostly wimmen. Some war work you get paid for but some you don't. It +just depens whether you are rich and do V A D or poor and do munisions +and things. V A D means something but I forget what. My brother says it +means Very Active Damsles but you cant beleive him, and anyway no one +talks of damsles nowydays besept in potry. If you are a V A D you have +to do as your told just like a soldier but Daddy says they don't do it +always, and Mummy says its because they all know a better way than the +other persons. But then they don't cost anything so the hospitle people +don't mind much. If you do munisions or are a bus conductor you do get +paid so you maynt talk so much or you would get sent away. If I dident +have to go to scool I would love to be a bus conducter and go rides for +nothing. + +PHYLLIS BLAKE (age 10). + + * * * * * + +MY FAVRIT HERO. + +A Hero is a man you agmire teribly much or he can be in a book. It is +rather dificult to say who is my favrit Hero. There are such a lot of +them. Some are lord French genrel Maud King Albert and the VCs. When I +was litle I use to think the man who fed the Lions at the zoo was the +most bravest man in the wurld but that was ever so long ago before the +War. I don't no very much about King Albert and the Others so I wont +rite about them. I will rite about lord French. I agmire him most +awfuly. I saw him once. He was coming from the camp were my Brother was +and he smiled at me quite on perpose. But he doesent no me realy and +praps that wont show he is a Hero. But he is one all the same becos he +had only a weeny litle Army at the Begining of the war and he helped +them to hold tite until more Men came. Or the Germans would have wun. He +was only sir then now he is a lord. + +MOLLY PRITCHARD (age 7-1/2). + + * * * * * + +"Berlin declares that the Russians have begun an offensive which extends +from the Upper Stokhod to Stanislau, a distance of over 125 +metres."--_Daily Telegraph_. + +Never believe what Berlin says. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MRS. POMEROY'S REPUTATION." + +Candour (subacid virtue) compels me to set down that there was nothing +very notable or novel about the manipulation, by Messrs. HORACE ANNESLEY +VACHELL and THOMAS COBB, of the comedy of needless complications +entitled _Mrs. Pomeroy's Reputation_. The occasion was chiefly notable +for the return of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH to active service and the welcome +she was given by her splendidly loyal following. + +_Sir Granville Pomeroy_, childless head of an odious family, has designs +on, and for, the son of his brother's pretty widow, he suspecting her to +be no fit and proper person to bring up a young _Pomeroy_. And indeed +three short months after her husband's death she played bridge, bought a +kimono and an expensive carpet, and, it is said, even flirted. Why such +recklessness? Well, she discovered a stray daughter of her sainted +husband. The irregular mother died, and of course solid _Mrs. Pomeroy_ +with the bubble reputation did the handsome thing, and shut her mouth +until the fatal moment in the Third Act, when it all came out. Whereby +and wherein she discovered that the philandering _Vincent Dampier_ could +trust where the solemn _Maurice Randall_ could not. As a side issue the +blameless baronet had a little goose to wife, who went to _Dampier's_ +Maidenhead bungalow and fell into the river. Elaborate lies to explain +quite simple situation to fool anxious to believe the worst. Moral: +Never lie to save a little goose. + +[Illustration: LETTICE AND IMPROMPTU DRESSING. + +_Lettice_ MISS LETTICE FAIRFAX. +_Georgina_ MISS VIOLET VANBRUGH. +_Vincent Dampier_ MR. FRANK ESMOND.] + +Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH was patently nervous with her part, a little jerky +and restless. She needn't have been. Loyalty would have carried her +through a duller play, to say nothing of her charming looks and her +queenly way of wearing a beautiful gown. Mr. LOWNE, as the baronet, made +effective play with a quite impossible part in a quite futile situation, +and held the reflector up to the best Mayfair Cockney with "_Georginar_ +explains." He needn't apologise; we know it's true to life! The piece of +acting that most cheered me was Mr. GRAHAME HERINGTON as the +philanderer's manservant--a very tactful and observant performance. Mr. +FRANK ESMOND, the philanderer, seemed ill at ease (partly art but partly +nature, I judged, perhaps unjustly). Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX as the little +goose was what I believe is known as adequate. + +T. + + * * * * * + +The Food Shortage. + +Letter received by a schoolteacher:-- + + "Dear Miss,--Will you please let Sam out about 20 minutes to 12 + o'clock. His Granma is undergoing an operation this morning and + I want Sam for dinner. + + Yours truly, Mrs. ----." + + * * * * * + +From a report of the British Music Convention:-- + + "'How the British piano can raise the trade to Imperil dignity' + was the subject of an address."--_Scotsman_. + +We hope the British piano will resist the temptation. + + * * * * * + + "Portobello's dressing boxes for lady bathers are practically + ready. There are fifteen boxes at the Band Stand enclosure, + very much resembling ballot boxes in size, shape, and + material."--_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_. + +A happy thought to prepare the new voters for taking the plunge. + + * * * * * + + "The members of the Cabinet occupied specially reserved seats + in the choir and lectern, where also the Lord Mayor was + seated."--_Scotsman_. + +A little hard on the eagle. + + * * * * * + +From a cinema advertisement:-- + + "Actual Scenes of our Local Charming Cheddar Valley and the + Beautiful West of England Coast Scenery, also predicting those + Glorious Sunset Scenes that made Sir Alfred Turner + 'famous.'"--_West Country Paper_. + +The General _will_ be pleased. + + * * * * * + + "To-day the weather has cleared, but the record according to a + correspondent who, signing himself the 'oldest inhabitant,' has + recently written to the press, stating that in 1178 there was + snow on Simla on 14th April, has now been easily + beaten."--_Rangoon Times_. + +The oldest inhabitant, however, is still undefeated. + + * * * * * + +MY CUTHBERT. + +For months I had been chasing Cuthbert. I had a store of withering +phrases burning to be poured over his unmentionable head. Last Tuesday +my opportunity arrived. + +A stranger was sitting comfortably in a deck-chair watching the vacant +courts at the tennis club. His keen bronzed face and his obviously +athletic body, clothed in white flannel, brought back to me the far days +when the sharp clean crack in the adjoining field told of a loose one +which had been got away square. + +I looked at him again and thought how glad he must be to get into mufti +for a few days. I tell you this to show how unprejudiced I was. The only +other signs of life were the two super-aborigines who inhabit the +croquet patch and detest all other mankind. I approached one of them +warily and asked a question. He regarded me with a bilious and +suspicious eye. + +"Nothing whatever to do with the Army," he snapped, and a Prussian-blue +opponent was smacked off into an arid and hoopless waste. + +"Ah!" I exclaimed, "then he's only a rabbit after all." + +The old thing gave me an unfriendly glance and then missed his hoop +badly. I strolled across and sat down beside the newcomer. He smiled at +me in a frank and disarming manner. + +"What do you think of our courts?" I said by way of a start. + +"Top-hole," he replied; "I'm looking forward to some jolly games on +'em." + +His obvious disregard of perspective annoyed me. In our village, tennis +is now played for hygienic reasons only. + +"I'm afraid we can't offer you much of a game," I said. "You see there's +a war on, and--but perhaps I can fix up a single for you after tea with +old Patterby. I believe he was very hot stuff in the seventies." + +"That's very good of you. I expect he'll knock my head off; I'm no use +at the game yet." + +He spoke as though an endless and blissful period of practice was in +front of him. + +"I suppose you'll be going back soon?" + +"Back where?" + +"I mean your leave will be up." + +"Oh, I'm out of a job just now." + +So it was genuine blatant indifference. I looked round for something +with which to slay him. + +"I wonder," he said thoughtfully, "if I shall ever find my tennis legs +again." + +"Have you lost them?" I asked sarcastically. + +"I'm afraid so--er--that is, of course, only one of them really." + +"Only one of them?" I repeated vaguely. + +"Yes, Fritzie got it at Jutland; but these new mark gadgets are +top-hole. I can nearly dance the fox-trot with mine already." + +He stretched out the gadget in question and patted it affectionately. + +The ensuing moment I count as the worst one I have ever known. I had +forgotten the Navy. My only excuse is that nowadays, owing to its urgent +and unadvertised affairs, we seldom have an opportunity in our village +of meeting the Senior Service. But I feel convinced that the irascible +Methuselah on the croquet ground was purposely and maliciously guilty of +_suppressio veri_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OLE BILL SEZ 'E 'ARDLY NEVER SEES 'IS MISSUS NAH." + +"OH! 'OW'S THAT, THEN?" + +"COS SHE'S ALL MORNIN' AN' ARTERNOON IN A SUGAR CUE, AND 'E'S ALL +EVENIN' IN A BEER CUE."] + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, good Man, to cut, make, and trim + specials."--_Yorkshire Paper._ + +In Yorkshire the new policeman's lot doesn't seem to be a very happy +one. + + * * * * * + +HEART-TO-HEART TALKS. + +(_The German CROWN PRINCE and Ex-King CONSTANTINE._) + +_Crown Prince_. My poor old TINO, you are certainly not looking +yourself. Have a drink? + +_Tino._ No, thank you. I really don't feel up to it. + +_C. P._ But that's the moment of all others when you ought to take one. +It's good stuff too--bubbly wine out of the cellar of one of my French +chateaux. Come, I'll pour you out a glass. + +_Tino._ Well, if I must I must (_drinks_). Yes, there's no fault to be +found with it. + +_C. P._ You're looking better already. Now you can tell me all about it. + +_Tino_ (_bitterly_). Oh, there's not much to tell, except that I was +lured on by the promise of help, and when the crisis came there was no +help, and so I had to go. + +_C. P._ (_humming an air_). + + And so, and so + He had, he had to go. + +_Tino_. I beg your pardon. + +_C. P._ Sorry, old man, but the words fitted into the tune so nicely I +really couldn't resist trying it. Fire ahead. + +_Tino_. I said, I think, that I was promised help. + +_C. P._ Yes, you said that all right. + +_Tino_. And I added that there was no help when the trouble came. + +_C. P._ You said "crisis," not "trouble," but we won't insist on a +trifle like that. Who was the rascal who broke his promise and refused +to help you? + +_Tino_. You know well enough that it was your most gracious father. + +_C.P._ What! The ALL-HIGHEST! The INMOSTLY BELOVED! The +BEYOND-ALL-POWERFUL! Was it really he? And you believed him, did you? +What a cunning old fox it is, to be sure. + +_Tino_. You permit yourself to speak very lightly of the AUGUST ONE, who +also happens to be your father. + +_C. P._ To tell you the truth, I don't take him as seriously as he takes +himself. Nobody could. + +_Tino_. After what has happened I certainly shall not again. It's +entirely owing to him that I've lost my kingdom and that the hateful +VENIZELOS is back in Athens and that ALEXANDER is seated on my throne. +If your beloved father had only left me alone I should have worried +through all right. + +_C. P._ I always tell him he tries to do too much, but he's so +infatuated with being an Emperor that there's no holding him. You know +he's absolutely convinced that he and the Almighty are on special terms +of partnership. + +_Tino_. I've done a bit myself in that line and I know it doesn't pay. + +_C. P._ I daresay I shall do it when my time comes. + +_Tino_. If it ever comes. + +_C. P._ If it depended on me alone things would go all right. I'm told +the people like me, and even the Socialists swear by me. + +_Tino_. How can you believe such nonsense? I tried to act on that +principle and here I am. And poor Russian NICKIE has had an even worse +fall--all through believing he had the people on his side. + +_C. P._ Well, but I _know_ they're all fond of me; but my All-Highest +One may get knocked out before I get my chance, and may carry me down +with him. + +_Tino_. Well, we must try to bear up, even if he should go the way +NICKIE has gone. In the meantime the War doesn't look particularly +promising, does it? + +_C. P._ It certainly doesn't; and the Americans will be at our throats +directly. Do you know, I never thought very much of HINDENBURG. + +_Tino_. I suppose you know someone who is younger and could do it much +better. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOMEWHERE UP NORTH. + +_Naval Officer (to native)_. "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE GOLF COURSE IS?" + +_Native_. "YOU'RE ON THE FIRST GREEN THE NOO. YON'S THE FLAG OWER THE +BACK O' THAT STANE."] + + * * * * * + + "The difference between the classical Arabic and the colloquial + is far greater than that between the Greek of Cicero and the + Greek of, let us say, M. Gounaris."--_The Near East_. + +Of course there is also the difference of accent. CICERO spoke Greek +with a slight Roman accent and M. GOUNARIS speaks it with a strong +German one. + + * * * * * + + "Two van-loads of shrapnel bullets were stopped by detectives + in Prospect Street, Rotherhithe."--_Morning Paper_. + +Tough fellows, these detectives. Stopping a single bullet would put most +men out of action. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Cottage or two Double-bedded Rooms, in country river, + 20-30 miles from Birmingham, first fortnight of + August."--_Daily Post (Birmingham)_. + +So convenient for friends to drop in. + + * * * * * + + "If the latest air raid does not make the British bull-dog show + his talons in a way that we have up till now wished he might + never do, well nothing will."--_Berwick Journal_. + +With his new pedal equipment the British bull-dog should give the German +eagle pause. + + * * * * * + +We are asked to state that a recently published work on _Beds and Hunts_ +(METHUEN) is not a companion-volume to _Minor Horrors of War_. + + * * * * * + +TO THE MEN WHO HAVE DIED FOR ENGLAND. + + All ye who fought since England was a name, + Because Her soil was holy in your eyes; + Who heard Her summons and confessed Her claim, + Who flung against a world's time-hallow'd lies + The truth of English freedom--fain to give + Those last lone moments, careless of your pain, + Knowing that only so must England live + And win, by sacrifice, the right to reign-- + Be glad, that still the spur of your bequest + Urges your heirs their threefold way along-- + The way of Toil that craveth not for rest, + Clear Honour, and stark Will to punish wrong! + The seed ye sow'd God quicken'd with His Breath; + The crop hath ripen'd--lo, there is no death! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LINKS BEING DEVOTED TO ALLOTMENTS, MR. AND MRS. +BUNKER-BROWNE PRACTISE APPROACH SHOTS, WITH THE IDEA OF FILLING THEIR +BASKET WITH POTATOES AT THE SAME TIME.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_Marmaduke_ (HEINEMANN) has this peculiarity, that the title role is by +no means its most important or interesting character. Indeed it might +with more propriety have been called _Marrion_, since hers is not only +the central figure in the plot, but emphatically the one over which Mrs. +F. A. Steel has expended most care and affection. Moreover the untimely +death of _Marmaduke_ leaves _Marrion_ to carry on the story for several +chapters practically single-handed. I am bound to say, however, that at +no stage did she get much help from her colleagues, all of whom--the +gouty old father and his intriguing wife, the faithful servant, even +debonair _Marmaduke_ himself--bear a certain air of familiarity. But if +frequent usage has something lessened their vitality, _Marrion_ is a +living and credible human being, whether as daughter of a supposed +valet, adoring from afar the gay young ensign, or as the unacknowledged +wife of _Marmaduke_ and mother of his child, or later as an army nurse +amid the horrors of Crimean mismanagement. Later still, when the long +arm of coincidence (making a greater stretch than I should have expected +under Mrs. Steel's direction) brought _Marrion_ to the bedside of her +parent in a hospital tent, and converted her into a Polish princess, I +lost a little of my whole-hearted belief in her actuality. There are +really two parts to the tale--the Scotch courtship, with its intrigues, +frustrated elopements, _et hoc genus omne_; and the scenes, very +graphically written, of active service at Varna and Inkerman. I will not +pretend that the two parts are specially coherent; but at least Mrs. +Steel has given us some exceedingly interesting pictures of a period +that our novelists have, on the whole, unaccountably neglected. + + * * * * * + +_The Experiments of Ganymede Bunn_ (HUTCHINSON) is like to command a +wide audience. Its appeal will equally be to the lovers of Irish scenes, +to those who affect stories about horses and hunting, and to the +countless myriads who are fond of imagining what they would do with an +unexpected legacy. It was this last that happened to _Ganymede_, who was +left seventeen thousand pounds by an aunt called _Juno_ (the names of +this family are not the least demand that Miss Dorothea Conyers makes +upon your credulity). My mention of horses and Ireland shows you what he +does with his money, and where. It does not, however, indicate the +result, which is a happy variant upon what is usual in such cases. You +know already, I imagine, the special qualities to be looked for in a +tale by Miss Conyers--chief among them a rather baffling inability to +lie a straight course. If I may borrow a metaphor from her own favourite +theme, she is for ever dashing off on some alluring cross-scent. More +important, fortunately, than this is the enjoyment which she clearly has +in writing her stories and passes briskly on to the reader. There's a +fine tang of the open-air about them, and a smell of saddle-leather, +that many persons will consider well worth all the intricacies of your +problem-novelists. I had the idea that her honest vulgar little legatee +and his speculations as a horse-breeder might make a good subject for a +character-comedian; but I suppose the late LORD GEORGE SANGER is the +only man who could have produced the right equine cast. + + * * * * * + +The component elements of _The White Rook_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) may be +summarised in the picturesque argot of Army Ordnance somewhat as +follows: Chinamen, inscrutable, complete with mysterious drugs, one; +wives, misunderstood, Mark I, one; husbands, unsympathetic (for purposes +of assassination only), one; _ingenues_, Mark II, one; heroes, one; +squires, brutal, one; murders of sorts, three; ditto, attempted, +several. The inscrutable one is responsible for all the murders. Only +the merest accident, it seems, prevents him from disposing of the few +fortunate characters who survive to the concluding chapters of the +story. He narrowly misses the misunderstood wife (now a widow, thanks to +his kind offices), and his failure to bag the hero and _ingenue_ +(together with a handful of subsidiary characters) is only a matter of +minutes. There is almost a false note about the last chapter, in which +the Oriental commits suicide before he has completed his grisly task; +but it was obviously impossible for anyone in the book to live happily +ever after so long as he remained alive. Just how Mr. HARRIS BURLAND and +the villainous figment of his lively imagination perform these deeds of +dastard-do is not for me to reveal. The publishers modestly claim that +in the school of WILKIE COLLINS this author has few rivals. As regards +complexity of plot the claim is scarcely substantiated by the volume +before me; but if bloodshed be the food of fiction Mr. BURLAND may slay +on, secure in his pre-eminence. + + * * * * * + +The _Rev. Frank Farmer_, hero of Mr. RICHARD MARSH'S _The Deacon's +Daughter_ (LONG), was the youthful, good-looking and eloquent +Congregationalist minister of the very local town of Brasted, and the +ladies of his flock adored him. So earnestly indeed did they adore him +that, after he had preached a stirring series of sermons on the evils of +gambling, they decided to subscribe and send him for a holiday to Monte +Carlo. On his return he was to preach another course of sermons, which +"would rouse the national conscience and, with God's blessing, the +conscience of all Europe." Possibly you can guess what happened to him; +I did, and I am not a good guesser. The _Rev. Frank_ had never been out +of England, and he found Monte Carlo inhabited by ladies who made him +blush. He could not understand their bold ways, so different from the +manner of the Brasted maidens. One of them laid especial siege to him +and assured him that he had "_la veine_." At first I am inclined to +believe that he thought she was talking of something varicose, but when +he understood what she meant he was at her mercy. In short he tried his +luck, to the dismay of his conscience but with prodigious benefit to his +pocket. His return to Brasted is described with excellent irony. + + * * * * * + +Mr. WILL IRWIN'S war-book naturally divides itself into two parts, since +he was lucky enough to get near the Front both about Verdun during the +great attack, and with the Alpini fighting on "the roof of Armageddon." +To these brave and picturesque friends of ours he dedicates his study, +_The Latin at War_ (CONSTABLE). You must not expect much of that inside +information which the author, as an American journalist, must have been +sorely tempted to produce. Indeed he has little to offer us that has not +been common property of the Correspondents for long enough, and several +of his descriptions (his picture of a glacier, for one), given with a +rather irritatingly childlike air of new discovery, cannot escape the +charge of commonplace. But his reflections, for once in a way the better +half of experience, more than make good this defect. His essay on Paris, +for instance--"the city of unshed tears"--is something more than +interesting, and his analysis of the cause of the successes of the +French army, in the face of initial defects of material, even better. +The author of _Westward Ho!_, considering the Spanish and English navies +of ELIZABETH'S time, found precisely the same contrasted elements of +autocracy and brotherliness producing just those results that we find +respectively in the German and French forces of to-day--on the one hand +a mechanical perfection of command, on the other an informed equality +which, somehow, does not make against efficiency whilst fostering +individuality. Mr. IRWIN hardly refers to our own Army; but one is +thankful to remember that discipline by consent, one of the virtues of +true democracy, is not the exclusive tradition of our French allies. + + * * * * * + +_A London Posy_ (MILLS AND BOON) is a story with at least an original +setting. So far as I know, Miss SOPHIE COLE is the first novelist to +group her characters about an actual London house preserved as a memorial +to former inhabitants. The house in question is that in Gough Square, +where Dr. JOHNSON lived, and two of the chief characters are _George +Constant_, the curator, and his sister, to whom the shrine is the most +precious object in life ("housemaid to a ghost," one of the other +personages rather prettily calls her). It therefore may well be that to +ardent devotees of the great lexicographer this story of what might have +happened in his house to-day will make a stronger appeal than was the +case with me, who (to speak frankly) found it a trifle dull. It might be +said, though perhaps unkindly, that Miss COLE looks at life through such +feminine eyes that all her characters, male and female, are types of +perfect womanhood. In _Denis Laurie_, the gentle essayist and recluse, +one might expect to find some feminine attributes; but even the bolder +and badder lots, whose task it is to supply the melodramatic relief, +struck me as oddly unvirile. But this is only a personal view. Others, +as I say, may find this very gentle story of mild loves and two deserted +wives a refreshing contrast to the truths, so much stranger and more +lurid than any fiction, by which we are surrounded. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Owing to a scarcity of literary matter at the Front, our +soldiers are sometimes reduced to telling each other tales.] + +Private Jones. "AND SHE _SAYS_, 'OH! WOT BLINKIN' GREAT EYES YOU 'AVE, +GRANDMOTHER!' AND THE WOLF, 'E SAYS, 'ALL THE BETTER TER SEE YER WIV, MY +DEAR.'"] + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOLUME 153 *** + +***** This file should be named 10143.txt or 10143.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/4/10143/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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