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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10143 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 153.
+
+
+
+JULY 11, 1917.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"It is more dangerous to be a baby in London than a soldier in France,"
+said Mrs. H. B. IRVING at the National Baby Week Exhibition. The same
+disability--namely, middle-age--has prevented us from taking up either
+of these perilous _rôles_.
+
+       ***
+
+L.C.C. tram-tickets, says a news item, are now thinner. Other means of
+increasing the space available for passengers are also under
+consideration.
+
+       ***
+
+Over one thousand penny dreadfuls were found in the possession of a boy
+of sixteen who was sentenced to three months' imprisonment for theft.
+The commonplace nature of the sentence has disgusted the lad.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that Mr. CHARLES CHAPLIN had signed a contract to serve in
+the British Army at 1s. 1d. a day is denied.
+
+       ***
+
+As an outcome of Baby Week the Anti-Comforter League has been formed.
+The suggestion that Mr. HOGGE, M.P., would make an admirable first
+President has not been followed up.
+
+       ***
+
+Humanitarians who have been urging the Government not to stain its hands
+with the more painful forms of reprisal, have received a nasty shock. A
+German spy has been arrested in London!
+
+       ***
+
+The rubber cushions of billiard tables are now being taken by the German
+military authorities. Meanwhile the enemy Press continues to take its
+cue from HINDENBURG.
+
+       ***
+
+A notorious Petrograd anarchist is reported to be ill, and has been
+ordered to take a complete rest by his doctor. He has therefore decided
+not to throw any bombs for awhile at least.
+
+       ***
+
+Further evidence of the Eastern talent for adopting Western ideas and
+improving on them comes from China, where the EX-EMPEROR HSUAN TUNG has
+celebrated Baby Week by issuing a decree announcing his return to the
+Throne.
+
+       ***
+
+"The only plumber, electrician, hot-water-fitter, gas-fitter,
+bell-hanger, zinc-worker, blacksmith and locksmith we have left"--such
+was an employer's description of a C1 workman. We understand that the
+War Office will mobilise him as a special corps as soon as they can
+think of a sufficiently comprehensive title for him.
+
+       ***
+
+Several milkmen have reduced their prices from sixpence to fivepence.
+Other good results from the timely rains are expected.
+
+       ***
+
+A miner, fined one pound for wasting bread, was said to have thrown his
+dinner--a mutton chop, onion sauce, and two slices of bread--on the fire
+because he could not have potatoes. There is a strong feeling that the
+Censor should prohibit publication of these glaring cases of hardship on
+the ground that they are likely to encourage the Germans to prolong the
+War.
+
+       ***
+
+Large quantities of food have been carried off by a burglar from several
+houses in the Heathfield district. Knowing our War bread, we are
+confident that it did not give in without a struggle.
+
+       ***
+
+We are sorry to find _The Globe_ making playful reference to the many
+postponements of certain music-hall revues. Mr. Justice DARLING will
+agree that these things cannot be postponed too often.
+
+       ***
+
+"How can I distinguish poisonous from edible fungi?" asks a correspondent
+of _The Daily Mail_. The most satisfactory test is to look for them. If
+you find them they are likely to be poisonous. If they have been already
+gathered they were probably edible.
+
+       ***
+
+It is now admitted that the conscientious objectors undergoing sentence
+at Dartmoor are allowed to have week-ends occasionally. This concession,
+it appears, had to be granted as several of them threatened to leave the
+place.
+
+       ***
+
+The pessimists who maintain that this will be a long war are feeling
+pretty cheap just now. An American scientific journal declares that the
+world can only last another fifteen million years.
+
+       ***
+
+Roughly speaking, says a weekly paper, there is a policeman for every
+sixteen square miles. This gives them plenty of room to turn round in.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that ex-KING CONSTANTINO is to receive £20,000 a year
+unemployment benefit.
+
+       ***
+
+We have heard so little of the Hidden Hand this past week or so that we
+are tempted to ask whether it is suffering from writer's cramp.
+
+       ***
+
+It is reported that three large jam factories have been commandeered by
+the Military. A soldier writes to ask whether it is proposed to include
+jam in the list of field punishments.
+
+       ***
+
+"Justices cannot guarantee results to litigants in advance," said the
+Willesden magistrate recently. Not without trespassing on the privileges
+of the Bar.
+
+       ***
+
+As a demonstration of allegiance to their country's cause the Apaches of
+Northern America are to hold a great "Devil Dance" in Arizona. It only
+needed this to convince us that all was well with America.
+
+       ***
+
+A flask of wine of the year A.D. 17, found in a Roman tomb in Bavaria,
+is said to be the oldest extant vintage. It antedates Sir FREDERICK
+BANBURY'S brand of Toryism by several years.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FOP.
+
+_Looker-on_. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE NEXT, CLARENCE,--ELECTRIC
+SHAMPOO OR FACE MANICURED?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mrs. ----, who has just entered her 192nd year, reads without
+    glasses, writes to her grandchildren fighting abroad, and knits
+    articles for King George's Military Hospital."--_Daily Express
+    (Dublin)_.
+
+Those grandchildren must be getting a little old for active service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TINO IN EXILE.
+
+    [As indicated on another page, TINO'S actual opinion of his
+    Imperial brother-in-law is probably not too amiable; but it has
+    to be disguised in his letters, which are liable to be censored
+    by his wife.]
+
+  Thank you, dear William, I am fairly well.
+    The climate suits me and the simple life--
+  No diplomats to spoil the scenery's spell,
+    And only faintest echoes of the strife;
+  The Alps are mirrored in a lake of blue;
+    Over my straw-crowned poll the blue skies laugh;
+  A waterfall (no charge) completes a view
+    Equal to any German oleograph.
+
+  There are no bugle blares to make me jump,
+    But just the jodler calling to his kine;
+  A few good Teuton toadies, loud and plump,
+    More than suffice me in the _levée_ line;
+  And, when poor ALEXANDER, there in Greece,
+    Writes of your "agents" rounded up and sacked,
+  I am content with privacy and peace,
+    Having, at worst, retained my head intact.
+
+  SOPHIE and I have thought of you a lot
+    (We have so very few distractions here;
+  We chat about the weather, which is hot,
+    And then we turn to talk of your career);
+  For rumour says this bloody war will last
+    Until the Hohenzollerns get the boot;
+  And through my brain the bright idea has passed
+    That you had better do an early scoot.
+
+  Were it not wise, dear WILLIAM, ere the day
+    When Revolution goes for crowns and things,
+  To cut your loss betimes and come this way
+    And start a coterie of Exiled Kings?
+  You might (the choice of safe retreats is poor)
+    Do worse than join me in this happy land,
+  And spend your last phase, careless, if obscure,
+    With your devoted TINO hand-in-hand.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MONSIEUR JOSEPH.
+
+On the day that I left hospital, with a month's sick leave in hand, I
+went to dine at my favourite Soho restaurant, the Mazarin, which I
+always liked because it provided an excellent meal for an extremely
+modest sum. But this evening my steps turned towards the old place
+because I wanted a word with Monsieur Joseph, the head-waiter.
+
+I found him the same genial soul as ever, though a shade stouter perhaps
+and greyer at the temples, and I flatter myself that it was with a smile
+of genuine pleasure that he led me to my old table in a corner of the
+room.
+
+When the crowd of diners had thinned he came to me for a chat.
+
+"It is indeed a pleasure to see M'sieur after so long a time," said he,
+"for, alas, there are so many others of our old clients who will not
+ever return."
+
+I told him that I too was glad to be sitting in the comparative quiet of
+the Mazarin, and asked him how he fared.
+
+Joseph smiled. "I 'ave a surprise for M'sieur," he said--"yes, a great
+surprise. There are ten, fifteen years that I work in thees place, and
+in four more weeks _le patron_ will retire and I become the proprietor.
+Oh, it is bee-utiful," he continued, clasping his hands rapturously, "to
+think that in so leetle time I, who came to London a poor waiter, shall
+be _patron_ of one of its finest restaurants."
+
+I offered him my warmest congratulations. If ever a man deserved success
+it was he, and it was good to see the look of pleasure on his face as I
+told him so.
+
+"And now," said I presently, "I also have a surprise for you, Joseph."
+
+He laughed. "Eh bien, M'sieur, it is your turn to take my breath away."
+
+"My last billet in France, before being wounded," I told him, "was in a
+Picardy village called Fléchinelle."
+
+He raised his hands. "Mon Dieu," he cried, "it is my own village!"
+
+"More than that," I continued, "for nearly six weeks I lodged just
+behind the church, in a whitewashed cottage with a stock of oranges,
+pipes and boot-laces for sale in the window."
+
+"It is my mother's shop!" he exclaimed breathlessly.
+
+I nodded my head, and then proceeded to give him the hundred-and-one
+messages that I had received from the little old lady as soon as she
+discovered that I knew her son.
+
+"It is so long since I 'ave seen 'er," said Monsieur Joseph, blowing his
+nose violently. "So 'ard I work in London these ten, fifteen years that
+only once have I gone 'ome since my father died."
+
+Then I told him how bent and old his mother was, and how lonesome she
+had seemed all by herself in the cottage, and as I spoke of the shop
+which she still kept going in her front-room the tears fairly rained
+down his face.
+
+"But, M'sieur," said he, "that which you tell me is indeed strange; for
+those letters which she writes to me week by week are always gay, and it
+'as seemed to me that my mother was well content."
+
+Then he struck his fist on the table. "I 'ave it," he said. "She shall
+come to live 'ere with me in Londres. All that she desires shall be
+'ers, for am I not a rich man?"
+
+I shook my head. "She would never leave her village now," I told him.
+"And I know well that she desires nothing in the world except to see you
+again."
+
+Then as I rose to go, "Good night, M'sieur," said Joseph a little sadly.
+"Be very sure that there is always a welcome for you 'ere."
+
+The next time that I dined at the Mazarin was some four weeks later, on
+the eve of my return to the Front. A strange waiter showed me to my
+place, and Joseph was nowhere to be seen. Indeed a wholly different air
+seemed to pervade the place since my last visit. Presently I beckoned to
+a waiter whom I recognised as having served under the old _régime_.
+"Where is Monsieur Joseph?" I asked him.
+
+"Where indeed, Sir!" the man replied. "It is all so strange. One day it
+is arranged that he shall take over the restaurant and its staff, and on
+the next he come to say 'Good-bye' to us all, and then leave for France.
+Oh, it is _drôle_. So good a business man to lose the chance that comes
+once only in a life! He is too old to fight. Yet who knows? Maybe he
+heard of something better out there...."
+
+As the man spoke the gold-and-white walls of the restaurant faded, the
+clatter of plates and dishes died away, and I was back again in a tiny
+village shop in Picardy. Across the counter, packed with its curious
+stock, I saw Monsieur Joseph, with shirt-sleeves rolled up, gravely
+handing a stick of chocolate to a child, and taking its sou in return.
+In the diminutive kitchen behind sat a little white-haired old lady with
+such a look of content on her face as I have rarely seen.
+
+Then suddenly I found myself back again in the London restaurant.
+
+"Yes," I said to the waiter, "it is possible, as you say, that Monsieur
+Joseph heard of something better in France."
+
+And raising my glass I drank a silent toast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TUBER'S REPARTEE.
+
+GERMAN PIRATE. "GOTT STRAFE ENGLAND!"
+
+BRITISH POTATO. "TUBER ÜBER ALLES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Crowd_. "WOULD YER LIKE TO GO TO HORSPITAL?"--"SHALL I
+GET YER A DROP OF BRANDY?"--"DID YER SLIP ON THE BANANA-PEEL?" "DID YER
+FALL?"--"ARE YER HURT, SIR?"--"SHALL I FETCH A DOCTOR?"--"IS THAT YOUR
+HAT, SIR?"
+
+_Ex-Cabinet Minister_. "THE ANSWERS TO ONE, TWO, FIVE AND SIX ARE IN THE
+NEGATIVE; TO THREE, FOUR AND SEVEN IN THE AFFIRMATIVE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MUD LARKS.
+
+You have all seen it in the latest V.C. list--"The Reverend Paul Grayne,
+Chaplain to the Forces, for conspicuous bravery and gallant example in
+the face of desperate circumstances."
+
+You have all pictured him, the beau-ideal of muscular Christian, the
+Fighting Parson, eighteen hands high, terrific in wind and limb, with a
+golden mane and a Greek profile; a Pekinese in the drawing-room, a
+bull-dog in the arena; a soupçon of Saint FRANCIS with a dash of JOHN L.
+SULLIVAN--and all that.
+
+But we who have met heroes know that they are very seldom of the type
+which achieves the immortality of the picture post-card.
+
+The stalwart with pearly teeth, lilac eyes and curly lashes is C3 at
+Lloyd's (Sir FRANCIS), and may be heard twice daily at the Frivolity
+singing, "My Goo-goo Girl from Honolulu" to entranced flappers; while
+the lad who has Fritzie D. Hun backed on the ropes, clinching for time,
+is usually gifted with bow legs, freckles, a dented proboscis and a
+coiffure after the manner of a wire-haired terrier.
+
+The Reverend Paul Grayne, V.C., sometime curate of Thorpington Parva, in
+the county of Hampshire, was no exception to this rule. Æsthetically he
+was a blot on the landscape; among all the heroes I have met I never saw
+anything less heroically moulded.
+
+He stood about five feet nought and tipped the beam at seven stone
+nothing. He had a mild chinless face and his long beaky nose, round
+large spectacles, and trick of cocking his head sideways when
+conversing, gave him the appearance of an intelligent little dicky-bird.
+
+I remember very well the occasion of our first meeting. I was in my
+troop lines one afternoon, blackguarding a farrier, when a loud nicker
+sounded on the road and a black cob, bearing a feebly protesting padre
+upon his fat back, trotted through the gate, up to the lines and began
+to swop How d'y'do's with my hairies. The little Padre cocked his head
+on one side and oozed apologies from every pore.
+
+He hadn't meant to intrude, he twittered; Peter had brought him; it was
+Peter's fault; Peter was very eccentric.
+
+Peter, I gathered, was the fat cob, who by this time had butted into the
+lines and was tearing at a hay net as if he hadn't had a meal for years.
+
+His alleged master looked at me hopeless, helpless. What was he to do?
+"Well, since Peter is evidently stopping to tea with my horses," said I,
+"the only thing you can do is to come to tea with us." So I lifted him
+down and bore him off to the cow-shed inhabited by our mess at the time
+and regaled him on chlorinated Mazawattee, marmalade and dog biscuit. An
+hour later, Peter willing, he left us.
+
+We saw a lot of the Padre after that. Peter, it appeared, had taken
+quite a fancy to us and frequently brought him round to meals. The Padre
+had no word of say in the matter. He confessed that, when he embarked
+upon Peter in the morning, he had not the vaguest idea where mid-day
+would find him. Nothing but the black cob's fortunate rule of going home
+to supper saved the Padre from being posted as a deserter.
+
+He had an uneasy feeling that Peter would one day suddenly sicken of the
+war and that he would find himself in Paris or on the Riviera. We had an
+uneasy feeling that Peter would one day develop a curiosity as to the
+Bosch horse rations, and stroll across the line, and we should lose the
+Padre, a thing we could ill afford to do, for by this time he had taken
+us under his wing spiritually and bodily. On Sundays he would appear in
+our midst dragging a folding harmonium and hold Church Parade, leading
+the hymns in his twittering bird-like voice.
+
+Then the spinster ladies of his old parish of Thorpington Parva gave him
+a Ford car, and with this he scoured back areas for provisions and
+threaded his tin buggy in and out of columns of dusty infantry and
+clattering ammunition limbers, spectacles gleaming, cap slightly awry,
+while his batman (a wag) perched precariously a-top of a rocking pile of
+biscuit tins, cigarette cases and boxes of tinned fruit, and shouted
+after the fashion of railway porters, "By your leave! Fags for the
+firin' line. Way for the Woodbine Express."
+
+But if we saw a lot of the Padre it was the Antrims who looked upon him
+as their special property. They were line infantry, of the type which
+gets most of the work and none of the Press notices, a hard-bitten,
+unregenerate crowd, who cared not a whit whether Belgium bled or not,
+but loved fighting for its own sake and put their faith in bayonet and
+butt. And wherever these Antrims went thither went the Padre also, his
+harmonium and his Woodbines. I have a story that, when they were in a
+certain part of the line where the trenches were only thirty yards apart
+(so close indeed that the opposing forces greeted each other by their
+first names and borrowed one another's wiring tools), the Padre dragged
+the harmonium into the front line and held service there, and the
+Germans over the way joined lustily in the hymns. He kept the men of the
+Antrims going on canteen delicacies and their officers in a constant
+bubble of joy. He swallowed their tall stories without a gulp; they
+pulled one leg and he offered the other; he fell headlong into every
+silly trap they set for him. Also they achieved merit in other messes by
+peddling yarns of his wonderful innocence and his incredible
+absent-mindedness.
+
+"Came to me yesterday, the Dicky Bird did," one of them would relate;
+"wanted advice about that fat fraud of his, Peter. 'He's got an abrasion
+on the knob of his right-hand front paw,' says he. 'Dicky Bird,' says I,
+'that is no way to describe the anatomy of a horse after all the
+teaching I've given you.' 'I am so forgetful and horsey terms are so
+confusing,' he moans. 'Oh, I recollect now--his starboard ankle!' The
+dear babe!"
+
+In the course of time the Antrims went into the Push, but on this
+occasion they refused to take the Padre with them, explaining that
+Pushes were noisy affairs with messy accidents happening in even the
+best regulated battalions.
+
+The Padre was up at midnight to see them go, his spectacles misty. They
+went over the bags at dawn, reached their objective in twenty minutes
+and scratched themselves in. The Padre rejoined them ten minutes later,
+very badly winded, but bringing a case of Woodbines along with him.
+
+My friend Patrick grabbed him by the leg and dragged him into a
+shell-hole. Nothing but an inherent respect for his cloth restrained
+Patrick from giving the Dicky Bird the spanking of his life. At 8 A.M.
+the Hun countered heavily and hove the Antrims out. Patrick retreated in
+good order, leading the Padre by an ear. The Antrims sat down, licked
+their cuts, puffed some of the Woodbines, then went back and pitchforked
+the Bosch in his tender spots. The Bosch collected fresh help and bobbed
+up again. Business continued brisk all day, and when night fell the
+Antrims were left masters of the position.
+
+At 1 A.M. they were relieved by the Rutland Rifles, and a dog weary
+battered remnant of the battalion crawled back to camp in a sunken road
+a mile in the rear. One or two found bivouacs left by the Rutlands, but
+the majority dropped where they halted. My friend Patrick found a
+bivouac, wormed into it and went to sleep. The next thing he remembers
+was the roof of his abode caving in with the weight of two men
+struggling violently. Patrick extricated himself somehow and rolled out
+into the grey dawn to find the sunken road filled with grey figures, in
+among the bivouacs and shell holes, stabbing at the sleeping Antrims.
+Here and there men were locked together, struggling tooth and claw; the
+air was vibrant with a ghastly pandemonium of grunts and shrieks; the
+sunken road ran like a slaughter-house gutter. There was only one thing
+to do, and that was to get out, so Patrick did so, driving before him
+what men he could collect.
+
+A man staggered past him, blowing like a walrus. It was the Padre's
+batman, and he had his master tucked under one arm, in his underclothes,
+kicking feebly.
+
+Patrick halted his men beyond the hill crest, and there the Colonel
+joined him, trotting on his stockinged feet. Other officers arrived,
+herding men. "They must have rushed the Ruts., Sir," Patrick panted;
+"must be after those guns just behind us." "They'll get 'em too," said
+the Colonel grimly. "We can't stop 'em," said the Senior Captain. "If we
+counter at once we might give the Loamshires time to come up--they're in
+support, Sir--but--but, if they attack us, they'll get those guns--run
+right over us."
+
+The Colonel nodded. "Man, I know, I know; but look at 'em"--he pointed
+to the pathetic remnant of his battalion lying out behind the
+crest--"they're dropping asleep where they lie--they're beat to a
+finish--not another kick left in 'em."
+
+He sat down and buried his face in his hands. The redoubtable Antrims
+had come to the end.
+
+Suddenly came a shout from the Senior Captain, "Good Lord, what's that
+fellow after? Who the devil is it?"
+
+They all turned and saw a tiny figure, clad only in underclothes,
+marching deliberately over the ridge towards the Germans.
+
+"Who is it?" the Colonel repeated. "Beggin' your pardon, the Reverend,
+Sir," said the Padre's batman as he strode past the group of officers.
+"'E give me the slip, Sir. Gawd knows wot 'e's up to now." He lifted up
+his voice and wailed after his master, "'Ere, you come back this minute,
+Sir. You'll get yourself in trouble again. Do you 'ear me, Sir?" But the
+Padre apparently did not hear him, for he plodded steadily on his way.
+The batman gave a sob of despair and broke into a double.
+
+The Colonel sprang to his feet, "Hey, stop him, somebody! Those swine'll
+shoot him in a second--child murder!"
+
+Two subalterns ran forward, followed by a trio of N.C.O.'s. All along
+the line men lifted their weary heads from the ground and saw the tiny
+figure on the ridge silhouetted against the red east.
+
+"Oo's that blinkin' fool?"
+
+"The Padre."
+
+"Wot's 'e doin' of?"
+
+"Gawd knows."
+
+A man rose to his knees, from his knees to his feet, and stumbled
+forward, mumbling, "'E give me a packet of fags when I was broke." "Me
+too," growled another, and followed his chum. "They'll shoot 'im in a
+minute," a voice shouted, suddenly frightened. "'Ere, this ain't war,
+this is blasted baby-killin'."
+
+In another five seconds the whole line was up and jogging forward at a
+lurching double. "And a little child shall lead them," murmured the
+Colonel happily, as he put his best foot forwards; a miracle had
+happened, and his dear ruffians would go down in glory.
+
+But as they topped the hill crest came the shrill of a whistle from the
+opposite ridge, and there was half a battalion of the Rutlands
+back-casting for the enemy that had broken through their posts. With
+wild yells both parties charged downwards into the sunken road.
+
+When the tumult and shouting had died Patrick went in quest of the
+little Padre.
+
+He discovered him sitting on the wreck of his bivouac of the night; he
+was clasping some small article to his bosom, and the look in his face
+was that of a man who had found his heart's desire.
+
+Patrick sat himself down on a box of bombs, and looked humbly at the
+Reverend Paul. It is an awful thing for a man suddenly to find he has
+been entertaining a hero unawares.
+
+"Oh, Dicky Bird, Dicky Bird, why did you do it?" he inquired softly.
+
+The Padre cocked his head on one side and commenced to ooze apologies
+from every pore.
+
+"Oh dear--you know how absurdly absent-minded I am; well, I suddenly
+remembered I had left my teeth behind."
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "And what regiment are you in?"
+
+_The Sub._ "7th Blankshires. But I'm attached to the 9th Wessex."
+
+_Old Lady._ "Really! Now _do_ tell me why the officers get so fond of
+regiments with aren't their own."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Nottingham on Saturday the damages ranging from £7 10s. to
+    £3 were ordered to be paid by a number of miners for
+    absenteeism. It was stated that, although absolved from
+    military obligations by reason of their occupation, there had
+    been glaring neglect of responsibility, some men having lost
+    three ships a week."--_Western Morning News_.
+
+These mines are very tricky things.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AS.
+
+The French, always so quick to give things names--and so liberal about
+it that, to the embarrassment and undoing of the unhappy foreigner, they
+sometimes invent fifty names for one thing--have added so many words to
+the vocabulary since August, 1914, that a glossary, and perhaps more
+than one, has been published to enshrine them. Without the assistance of
+this glossary it is almost impossible to read some of the numerous
+novels of poilu life.
+
+So far as I am aware the latest creation is the infinitesimal word "as,"
+or rather, it is a case of adaptation. Yesterday "as des carreaux" (to
+give the full form) stood simply for ace of diamonds. To-day all France,
+with that swift assimilation which has ever been one of its many
+mysteries, knows its new meaning and applies it.
+
+And what is this new "as"? I gather, without having had the advantage of
+cross-examining a French soldier, that an "as" is an obscure hero, one
+of the men, and they are by no means rare, who do wonderful things but
+do not get into the papers or receive medals or any mention in
+despatches. We all know that many of the finest deeds performed in war
+escape recognition. One does not want to suggest that V.C.'s and
+D.S.O.'s and Military Crosses and all the other desirable tokens of
+valour are conferred wrongly. Nothing of the kind. They are nobly
+deserved. But probably there never was a recipient of the V.C. or the
+D.S.O. or the Military Cross who could not--and did not wish to--tell
+his Sovereign, when the coveted honour was being pinned to His breast,
+of some other soldier not less worthy than himself of being decorated,
+whose deed of gallantry was performed under less noticeable conditions.
+The performer of such a deed is an "as" and it is his luck to be a not
+public hero. But why ace of diamonds? That I cannot explain.
+
+The "as" can be found in every branch of the Army, and he is recognised
+as one by his comrades, even although the world at large is ignorant.
+Perhaps we shall find a word for his British correlative, who must be
+numerically very strong too. The letter A alone might do it, signifying
+anonymous. "Voila, un as!" says the French soldier, indicating one of
+these brave modest fellows who chances to be passing. "You see that
+chap," one of our soldiers would say; "he's an A."
+
+All that I know of the "as" I have gathered from the French satirical
+paper, a child of the War, _La Baïonette_. This paper comes out every
+week and devotes itself, as its forerunner, _L'Assiette au Beurre_,
+used to do, to one theme at a time, one phase or facet of the struggle,
+usually in the army, but also in civil life, where changes due to the
+War steadily occur. In the number dedicated to the glory of the "as" I
+find recorded an incident of the French Army so moving that I want to
+tell it here, very freely, in English. It was, says the writer, before
+the attack at Carency, and he vouches for the accuracy of his report,
+for he was himself present. In the little village of Camblain-l'Abbé a
+regiment was assembled, and to them spoke their Captain. The scene was
+the yard of a farm. I know so well what it was like. The great manure
+heap in the middle; the carts under cover, with perhaps one or two
+American reapers and binders among them; fowls pecking here and there; a
+thin predatory dog nosing about; a cart-horse peering from his stable
+and now and then scraping his hoofs; a very wide woman at the
+dwelling-house door; the old farmer in blue linen looking on; and there,
+drawn up, listening to their Captain, row on row of blue-coated men, all
+hard-bitten, weary, all rather cynical, all weather-stained and frayed,
+and all ready to go on for ever.
+
+This is what the Captain said--a tall thin man of about thirty, speaking
+calmly and naturally as though he was reading a book. "I have just seen
+the Colonel," he said; "he has been in conference with the Commandant,
+and this is what has been settled. In a day or two it is up to us to
+attack. You know the place and what it all means. At such and such an
+hour we shall begin. Very well. Now this is what will happen. I shall be
+the first to leave the trench and go over the top, and I shall be killed
+at once. So far so good. I have arranged with the two lieutenants for
+the elder of them to take my place. He also will almost certainly be
+killed. Then the younger will lead, and after him the sergeants in turn,
+according to their age, beginning with the oldest who was with me at
+Saida before the War. What will be left by the time you have reached the
+point I cannot say, but you must be prepared for trouble, as there is a
+lot of ground to cover, under fire. But you will take the point and hold
+it. Fall out."
+
+That captain was an "as."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OW D'YER LIKE BEING PUT ON TRANSPORT WORK, MATE?"
+"BLIMEY! WHAT THE DOOCE MADE ME TELL 'EM I'D ONCE DRUV A DONKEY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Domestic Intelligence.
+
+    "Owing to doctor's orders Mrs. ---- has been obliged to cancel
+    all her engagements during Baby Week."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I STOOD AGAINST THE WINDOW.
+
+  I stood against the window
+    And looked between the bars,
+  And there were strings of fairies
+    Hanging from the stars;
+  Everywhere and everywhere
+    In shining swinging chains,
+  Like rainbows spun from moonlight
+    And twisted into skeins.
+
+  They kept on swinging, swinging,
+    They flung themselves so high
+  They caught upon the pointed moon
+    And hung across the sky;
+  And when I woke next morning
+    There still were crowds and crowds
+  In beautiful bright bunches
+    All sleeping on the clouds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a constable's evidence:--
+
+    "In his attempt to arrest her she threw herself on the ground
+    and tried to smack his face."--_Weekly Dispatch_.
+
+The long arm of the law resents such presumptuous rivalry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALL KINDS OF DEVILS MADE TO ORDER. ---- & ----,
+    SHEFFIELD."--_The Ironmonger._
+
+This looks uncommonly like an offer to trade with the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Wife (to warrior, whose politeness to the waitress has
+been duly noted)_. "HUM! YOU SEEM TO 'AVE COME BACK 'ALF FRENCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GIPSY SOLDIER
+
+  The gipsy wife came to my door with pegs and brooms to sell
+  They make by many a roadside fire and many a greenwood dell,
+  With bee-skeps and with baskets wove of osier, rush and sedge,
+  And withies from the river-beds and brambles from the hedge.
+
+  With her stately grace, like PHARAOH'S queen (for all her broken
+          shoon),
+  You'd marvel one so tall and proud should ever ask a boon,
+  But "living's dear for us poor folk" and "money can't be had,"
+  And "her man's in Mespotania" and "times is cruel bad!"
+
+  Yes, times is cruel bad, we know, and passing strange also,
+  And it's strange as anything I've heard that gipsy men should go
+  To lands through which their forbears trod from some unknown abode
+  The way that ended long ago upon the Portsmouth Road.
+
+  I wonder if the Eastern skies and Eastern odours seem
+  Familiar to that gipsy man, as memories of a dream;
+  Does Tigris' flow stir ancient dreams from immemorial rest
+  Ere ever gipsy poached the trout of Itchen and of Test?
+
+  Does something in him seem to know those red and arid lands
+  Where dust of ancient cities sleeps beneath the drifted sands?
+  Do Kurdish girls with lustrous eyes beneath their drooping lids
+  And Eastern babes look strangely like the Missis and the kids?
+
+  I wonder if the waving palms, when desert winds do blow,
+  In their dry rustling seem to sing a song he used to know;
+  Or does he only curse the heat and wish that he were laid
+  Beneath the spread of RUFUS' oaks or Harewood's beechen shade?
+
+  Well, luck be with the gipsy man and lead him safely home
+  To the old familiar caravan and ways he used to roam,
+  And bring him as it brought his sires from their far first abode
+  To where the gipsy camp-fires burn along the Portsmouth Road.
+
+C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Premier's principal speech was made in St. Andrew's Hall,
+    where he was presented with the Freedam of the
+    City."--_Liverpool Post and Mercury._
+
+Which he promptly passed on to the enemy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Skilled non-workers all over the Union have for some time been
+    in great demand, and enough of them are not available at the
+    present time."--_Rand Daily Mail_.
+
+There are still a few that the old country could spare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rhode Island Red, 200 year old pullets, laying, 5s.
+    each."--_Nottingham Guardian_.
+
+We fancy it must have been one of these veterans that we met at dinner
+the other night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BRUSILOFF HUG. THE KAISER. "I'M ALL FOR
+FRATERNISATION, BUT I CALL THIS OVERDOING IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, July 2nd._--On the Finance Bill Mr. BONAR LAW exhibited a
+conciliatory disposition; and, indignantly disclaiming the character of
+a kill-joy, made several welcome concessions to the taxpayer. The late
+increase in the tobacco duty is to be halved, so that the modest smoker
+may hope to fill his pipe for a penny less per ounce. This hope, of
+course, is dependent upon the decision of the all-powerful Trust.
+
+[Illustration: NO KILL-JOY. MR. BONAR LAW.]
+
+The Entertainments Tax also is to be modified, chiefly in its higher
+regions. Intimately connected with this question is the case of the
+"deadhead," argued with the zeal that is according to knowledge by that
+eminent playwright, Mr. HEMMERDE, who knows all about the free-list and
+its services in "enabling the management to keep the house properly
+dressed"--this refers, of course, to the front of the house--during the
+doubtful first weeks of a new play.
+
+Mr. HOGGE was in his place again. It had been reported that, consequent
+upon a hasty pledge to remain in Liverpool until his candidate was
+returned, he was now doomed for ever to wander an unquiet sprite upon
+the banks of Mersey. But he has wisely determined that Parliament must
+not suffer to please his private whim.
+
+_Tuesday, July 3rd._--The House of Lords was crowded to hear Lord
+HARDINGE'S comments upon the Mesopotamia Report. Even those critics in
+the Commons who had declared that a civil servant should not take
+advantage of his position as a peer to make a personal explanation
+would, I think, have had no reason to complain of its character. His
+object was not to defend himself, but to call attention to the splendid
+services that India had rendered to the Empire during the War in other
+fields than Mesopotamia. In his own phrase, "India was bled absolutely
+white during the first few weeks of the War."
+
+When the report comes up for formal discussion Lord CURZON will
+doubtless have something to say, and will say it in vigorous fashion.
+To-day, with the air and mien of a highly respectable undertaker, he
+contented himself with acknowledging Lord HARDINGE'S contribution and
+deprecated further debate.
+
+Lord ROBERT CECIL, safely back from his travels, does not appear to have
+kept himself up to date in the interval, for he was ignorant of the
+refusal of the Allies to allow Greece to set up a republic, although Mr.
+KING, with his superior sources of information, knows all about it.
+
+[Illustration: PARENTAL PRIDE. LORD DERBY.]
+
+At the close of Questions a stalwart young man in khaki advanced to the
+Table, and, amid the cheers of the Members and to the obvious delight of
+Lord DERBY, who sat beaming with parental pride in the Peers' Gallery,
+added the signature "STANLEY" to a roll which has rarely been without
+that name since "the Rupert of debate" signed it there close on a
+hundred years ago.
+
+Excess profits provided the theme for some lively speeches to-day. Major
+HAMILTON did not see why farmers should escape the tax, and instanced
+the case of a potato-grower who had made ten thousand pounds out of a
+couple of hundred acres. Several Members connected with the shipping
+interest protested against the tax. Mr. LEIF-JONES implied that it was
+more disastrous than the U-boats, and Mr. HOUSTON loudly protested at
+being represented as a harpy.
+
+By these complaints Mr. BONAR LAW was absolutely unmoved, and for very
+good reason. He had himself a few thousands invested in shipping, and,
+as he was getting about fifty per cent., instead of the modest five per
+cent. which he had anticipated, he had come to the conclusion that even
+under present conditions the trade was doing pretty well. After this
+confession of an involuntary profiteer the tax was agreed to. But the
+farmers, with next year's Budget in view, are praying that the
+conscientious CHANCELLOR will not invest his surplus profits in land.
+
+_Wednesday, July 4th_.--We all know the ex-poacher-turned-game-keeper.
+The converse process has taken place in the case of Lord PORTSMOUTH,
+who, when he ceased to be a Minister of the Crown, became a bitter
+critic of successive Administrations. His complaints of our blockade
+policy were frigidly acknowledged by Lord MILNER and hotly resented by
+Lord LANSDOWNE, upon whom Lord PORTSMOUTH'S ruddy beard always has a
+provocative effect. It is all very well to talk of being ruthless to
+neutrals, but if we had adopted the noble lord's policy early in the War
+would the Union Jack and the Stars and Stripes be to-day floating side
+by side all over London?
+
+Mr. LYNCH'S latest suggestion for the furtherance of his Republican
+propaganda is that the COMMISSIONER OF WORKS should remove from the
+streets all statues of deceased monarchs, and replace them by those of
+great leaders of thought. Sir ALFRED MOND absolutely refused. The worst
+kings sometimes make the best statues, and he is not prepared to
+sacrifice JAMES II. from the Admiralty even to put Mr. LYNCH himself on
+the vacant pedestal.
+
+"P. R." came up smiling for another round, and, having secured the
+services on this occasion of Mr. ASQUITH as judicious bottle-holder, was
+expected to make a good fight of it. The EX-PREMIER scouted the notion
+that the new plan of voting would fill the House with freaks and
+faddists, a class from which, he hinted, it is not, even under present
+conditions, entirely immune. But the majority evidently felt that there
+could not be much amiss with a system which had returned such wise and
+patriotic persons as themselves to Parliament, and they outed P. R. by
+201 to 169.
+
+_Thursday, July 5th_.--It is hardly surprising that the Government has
+decided not to proceed at present with its great scheme of nationalizing
+the liquor-traffic. The announcement that, in order to meet the
+requirements of the harvest-season, the brewers should be allowed to
+increase the output of beer by one-third, brought a swarm of hornets
+about the CHANCELLOR'S head. Mr. LEIF-JONES (irreverently known as
+"Tea-leaf JONES") was horrified at the thought that more grain and sugar
+should be diverted to this pernicious liquid; Mr. DEVLIN and other
+champions of the trade were almost equally annoyed because the
+harvest-beer was to be of a lower specific gravity. The storm of
+"supplementaries" showed no sign of abating, until the SPEAKER, who
+rarely fails to find the appropriate phrase, remarked upon "This thirst
+for information," and so dissolved the House in laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gunner (home on leave)_. "WAITER, MY NEIGHBOUR'S EFFORTS
+WITH HIS SOUP (BY THE WAY, I'M SURE HE OUGHT TO BE INTERNED) ARE MORE
+THAN I CAN BEAR. WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME BY ASKING THE BAND TO PUT UP A
+BARRAGE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WEARY WATCHER.
+
+    ["Almost exactly a month ago--on May 30th--I advised my readers
+    to 'Watch Karolyi,' and now I emphasize the advice."--_"The
+    Clubman" in The Evening Standard, July 2nd_.]
+
+  Since very early in the War
+    My Mentors in the Press
+  Have never failed in warning me,
+    By way of S.O.S.,
+  To keep my eye on So-and-So
+    In times of storm and stress.
+
+  I think that WINSTON was the first
+    Commended to my gaze,
+  But very soon I found my eyes--
+    Tired by the limelight's blaze--
+  Incapable of following
+    His strange and devious ways.
+
+  I watched the PRESIDENT and thought
+    (Unjustly) he was canting;
+  I watched our late PRIME MINISTER
+    When furious scribes were ranting,
+  And vigilantly bent my looks
+    On HARDEN and on BRANTING.
+
+  I watched JONESCU, also JONES
+    (Great KENNEDY) and HUGHES;
+  I sought illumination from
+    BILLING'S momentous views;
+  I watched Freemasons, Socialists,
+    And Salonica Jews.
+
+  And lately with emotions which
+    Transcend the power of rhymes
+  I've scanned with reverential eye
+    Those highly-favoured climes
+  Ennobled by the presence of
+    The ruler of the T***s.
+
+  I've glued my eye on seer and sage,
+    On Mecca's brave Sherif;
+  I've fastened it on what's-his-name,
+    The famed Albanian chief,
+  Till, wearying of the watcher's task,
+    At length I crave relief.
+
+  So when I'm bidden at this stage
+    To start the game anew
+  And keep KAROLYI constantly
+    And carefully in view,
+  I think I'm wholly justified
+    In answering, "Nah Poo!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT.
+
+    "Dundee," said one of its leading citizens at the luncheon,
+    "will stand by Mr. Churchill to the last letter."--_Daily
+    Chronicle_.
+
+Evidently "l" itself would not sever Mr. CHURCHILL'S connection with his
+old friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "$20 buys a horse, good in his wind, if sold at
+    once."--_Canadian Paper_.
+
+Better not wait for his second wind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Coow wanted, first week in August, for Lads Brigade Camp, 120
+    Lads; must be used to Field kitchens."
+
+It looks like being "bad for the coow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
+
+WAR WORK.
+
+War work is what wimmen do when their arnt enuff men. Or men do it too
+sometimes if they are rather old and weak and cant be soldiers, but it
+is mostly wimmen. Some war work you get paid for but some you don't. It
+just depens whether you are rich and do V A D or poor and do munisions
+and things. V A D means something but I forget what. My brother says it
+means Very Active Damsles but you cant beleive him, and anyway no one
+talks of damsles nowydays besept in potry. If you are a V A D you have
+to do as your told just like a soldier but Daddy says they don't do it
+always, and Mummy says its because they all know a better way than the
+other persons. But then they don't cost anything so the hospitle people
+don't mind much. If you do munisions or are a bus conductor you do get
+paid so you maynt talk so much or you would get sent away. If I dident
+have to go to scool I would love to be a bus conducter and go rides for
+nothing.
+
+PHYLLIS BLAKE (age 10).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY FAVRIT HERO.
+
+A Hero is a man you agmire teribly much or he can be in a book. It is
+rather dificult to say who is my favrit Hero. There are such a lot of
+them. Some are lord French genrel Maud King Albert and the VCs. When I
+was litle I use to think the man who fed the Lions at the zoo was the
+most bravest man in the wurld but that was ever so long ago before the
+War. I don't no very much about King Albert and the Others so I wont
+rite about them. I will rite about lord French. I agmire him most
+awfuly. I saw him once. He was coming from the camp were my Brother was
+and he smiled at me quite on perpose. But he doesent no me realy and
+praps that wont show he is a Hero. But he is one all the same becos he
+had only a weeny litle Army at the Begining of the war and he helped
+them to hold tite until more Men came. Or the Germans would have wun. He
+was only sir then now he is a lord.
+
+MOLLY PRITCHARD (age 7-1/2).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Berlin declares that the Russians have begun an offensive which extends
+from the Upper Stokhod to Stanislau, a distance of over 125
+metres."--_Daily Telegraph_.
+
+Never believe what Berlin says.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MRS. POMEROY'S REPUTATION."
+
+Candour (subacid virtue) compels me to set down that there was nothing
+very notable or novel about the manipulation, by Messrs. HORACE ANNESLEY
+VACHELL and THOMAS COBB, of the comedy of needless complications
+entitled _Mrs. Pomeroy's Reputation_. The occasion was chiefly notable
+for the return of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH to active service and the welcome
+she was given by her splendidly loyal following.
+
+_Sir Granville Pomeroy_, childless head of an odious family, has designs
+on, and for, the son of his brother's pretty widow, he suspecting her to
+be no fit and proper person to bring up a young _Pomeroy_. And indeed
+three short months after her husband's death she played bridge, bought a
+kimono and an expensive carpet, and, it is said, even flirted. Why such
+recklessness? Well, she discovered a stray daughter of her sainted
+husband. The irregular mother died, and of course solid _Mrs. Pomeroy_
+with the bubble reputation did the handsome thing, and shut her mouth
+until the fatal moment in the Third Act, when it all came out. Whereby
+and wherein she discovered that the philandering _Vincent Dampier_ could
+trust where the solemn _Maurice Randall_ could not. As a side issue the
+blameless baronet had a little goose to wife, who went to _Dampier's_
+Maidenhead bungalow and fell into the river. Elaborate lies to explain
+quite simple situation to fool anxious to believe the worst. Moral:
+Never lie to save a little goose.
+
+[Illustration: LETTICE AND IMPROMPTU DRESSING.
+
+_Lettice_ MISS LETTICE FAIRFAX.
+_Georgina_ MISS VIOLET VANBRUGH.
+_Vincent Dampier_ MR. FRANK ESMOND.]
+
+Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH was patently nervous with her part, a little jerky
+and restless. She needn't have been. Loyalty would have carried her
+through a duller play, to say nothing of her charming looks and her
+queenly way of wearing a beautiful gown. Mr. LOWNE, as the baronet, made
+effective play with a quite impossible part in a quite futile situation,
+and held the reflector up to the best Mayfair Cockney with "_Georginar_
+explains." He needn't apologise; we know it's true to life! The piece of
+acting that most cheered me was Mr. GRAHAME HERINGTON as the
+philanderer's manservant--a very tactful and observant performance. Mr.
+FRANK ESMOND, the philanderer, seemed ill at ease (partly art but partly
+nature, I judged, perhaps unjustly). Miss LETTICE FAIRFAX as the little
+goose was what I believe is known as adequate.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Food Shortage.
+
+Letter received by a schoolteacher:--
+
+    "Dear Miss,--Will you please let Sam out about 20 minutes to 12
+    o'clock. His Granma is undergoing an operation this morning and
+    I want Sam for dinner.
+
+    Yours truly, Mrs. ----."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a report of the British Music Convention:--
+
+    "'How the British piano can raise the trade to Imperil dignity'
+    was the subject of an address."--_Scotsman_.
+
+We hope the British piano will resist the temptation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Portobello's dressing boxes for lady bathers are practically
+    ready. There are fifteen boxes at the Band Stand enclosure,
+    very much resembling ballot boxes in size, shape, and
+    material."--_Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_.
+
+A happy thought to prepare the new voters for taking the plunge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The members of the Cabinet occupied specially reserved seats
+    in the choir and lectern, where also the Lord Mayor was
+    seated."--_Scotsman_.
+
+A little hard on the eagle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a cinema advertisement:--
+
+    "Actual Scenes of our Local Charming Cheddar Valley and the
+    Beautiful West of England Coast Scenery, also predicting those
+    Glorious Sunset Scenes that made Sir Alfred Turner
+    'famous.'"--_West Country Paper_.
+
+The General _will_ be pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-day the weather has cleared, but the record according to a
+    correspondent who, signing himself the 'oldest inhabitant,' has
+    recently written to the press, stating that in 1178 there was
+    snow on Simla on 14th April, has now been easily
+    beaten."--_Rangoon Times_.
+
+The oldest inhabitant, however, is still undefeated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY CUTHBERT.
+
+For months I had been chasing Cuthbert. I had a store of withering
+phrases burning to be poured over his unmentionable head. Last Tuesday
+my opportunity arrived.
+
+A stranger was sitting comfortably in a deck-chair watching the vacant
+courts at the tennis club. His keen bronzed face and his obviously
+athletic body, clothed in white flannel, brought back to me the far days
+when the sharp clean crack in the adjoining field told of a loose one
+which had been got away square.
+
+I looked at him again and thought how glad he must be to get into mufti
+for a few days. I tell you this to show how unprejudiced I was. The only
+other signs of life were the two super-aborigines who inhabit the
+croquet patch and detest all other mankind. I approached one of them
+warily and asked a question. He regarded me with a bilious and
+suspicious eye.
+
+"Nothing whatever to do with the Army," he snapped, and a Prussian-blue
+opponent was smacked off into an arid and hoopless waste.
+
+"Ah!" I exclaimed, "then he's only a rabbit after all."
+
+The old thing gave me an unfriendly glance and then missed his hoop
+badly. I strolled across and sat down beside the newcomer. He smiled at
+me in a frank and disarming manner.
+
+"What do you think of our courts?" I said by way of a start.
+
+"Top-hole," he replied; "I'm looking forward to some jolly games on
+'em."
+
+His obvious disregard of perspective annoyed me. In our village, tennis
+is now played for hygienic reasons only.
+
+"I'm afraid we can't offer you much of a game," I said. "You see there's
+a war on, and--but perhaps I can fix up a single for you after tea with
+old Patterby. I believe he was very hot stuff in the seventies."
+
+"That's very good of you. I expect he'll knock my head off; I'm no use
+at the game yet."
+
+He spoke as though an endless and blissful period of practice was in
+front of him.
+
+"I suppose you'll be going back soon?"
+
+"Back where?"
+
+"I mean your leave will be up."
+
+"Oh, I'm out of a job just now."
+
+So it was genuine blatant indifference. I looked round for something
+with which to slay him.
+
+"I wonder," he said thoughtfully, "if I shall ever find my tennis legs
+again."
+
+"Have you lost them?" I asked sarcastically.
+
+"I'm afraid so--er--that is, of course, only one of them really."
+
+"Only one of them?" I repeated vaguely.
+
+"Yes, Fritzie got it at Jutland; but these new mark gadgets are
+top-hole. I can nearly dance the fox-trot with mine already."
+
+He stretched out the gadget in question and patted it affectionately.
+
+The ensuing moment I count as the worst one I have ever known. I had
+forgotten the Navy. My only excuse is that nowadays, owing to its urgent
+and unadvertised affairs, we seldom have an opportunity in our village
+of meeting the Senior Service. But I feel convinced that the irascible
+Methuselah on the croquet ground was purposely and maliciously guilty of
+_suppressio veri_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OLE BILL SEZ 'E 'ARDLY NEVER SEES 'IS MISSUS NAH."
+
+"OH! 'OW'S THAT, THEN?"
+
+"COS SHE'S ALL MORNIN' AN' ARTERNOON IN A SUGAR CUE, AND 'E'S ALL
+EVENIN' IN A BEER CUE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, good Man, to cut, make, and trim
+    specials."--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+In Yorkshire the new policeman's lot doesn't seem to be a very happy
+one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
+
+(_The German CROWN PRINCE and Ex-King CONSTANTINE._)
+
+_Crown Prince_. My poor old TINO, you are certainly not looking
+yourself. Have a drink?
+
+_Tino._ No, thank you. I really don't feel up to it.
+
+_C. P._ But that's the moment of all others when you ought to take one.
+It's good stuff too--bubbly wine out of the cellar of one of my French
+châteaux. Come, I'll pour you out a glass.
+
+_Tino._ Well, if I must I must (_drinks_). Yes, there's no fault to be
+found with it.
+
+_C. P._ You're looking better already. Now you can tell me all about it.
+
+_Tino_ (_bitterly_). Oh, there's not much to tell, except that I was
+lured on by the promise of help, and when the crisis came there was no
+help, and so I had to go.
+
+_C. P._ (_humming an air_).
+
+  And so, and so
+  He had, he had to go.
+
+_Tino_. I beg your pardon.
+
+_C. P._ Sorry, old man, but the words fitted into the tune so nicely I
+really couldn't resist trying it. Fire ahead.
+
+_Tino_. I said, I think, that I was promised help.
+
+_C. P._ Yes, you said that all right.
+
+_Tino_. And I added that there was no help when the trouble came.
+
+_C. P._ You said "crisis," not "trouble," but we won't insist on a
+trifle like that. Who was the rascal who broke his promise and refused
+to help you?
+
+_Tino_. You know well enough that it was your most gracious father.
+
+_C.P._ What! The ALL-HIGHEST! The INMOSTLY BELOVED! The
+BEYOND-ALL-POWERFUL! Was it really he? And you believed him, did you?
+What a cunning old fox it is, to be sure.
+
+_Tino_. You permit yourself to speak very lightly of the AUGUST ONE, who
+also happens to be your father.
+
+_C. P._ To tell you the truth, I don't take him as seriously as he takes
+himself. Nobody could.
+
+_Tino_. After what has happened I certainly shall not again. It's
+entirely owing to him that I've lost my kingdom and that the hateful
+VENIZELOS is back in Athens and that ALEXANDER is seated on my throne.
+If your beloved father had only left me alone I should have worried
+through all right.
+
+_C. P._ I always tell him he tries to do too much, but he's so
+infatuated with being an Emperor that there's no holding him. You know
+he's absolutely convinced that he and the Almighty are on special terms
+of partnership.
+
+_Tino_. I've done a bit myself in that line and I know it doesn't pay.
+
+_C. P._ I daresay I shall do it when my time comes.
+
+_Tino_. If it ever comes.
+
+_C. P._ If it depended on me alone things would go all right. I'm told
+the people like me, and even the Socialists swear by me.
+
+_Tino_. How can you believe such nonsense? I tried to act on that
+principle and here I am. And poor Russian NICKIE has had an even worse
+fall--all through believing he had the people on his side.
+
+_C. P._ Well, but I _know_ they're all fond of me; but my All-Highest
+One may get knocked out before I get my chance, and may carry me down
+with him.
+
+_Tino_. Well, we must try to bear up, even if he should go the way
+NICKIE has gone. In the meantime the War doesn't look particularly
+promising, does it?
+
+_C. P._ It certainly doesn't; and the Americans will be at our throats
+directly. Do you know, I never thought very much of HINDENBURG.
+
+_Tino_. I suppose you know someone who is younger and could do it much
+better.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOMEWHERE UP NORTH.
+
+_Naval Officer (to native)_. "CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE GOLF COURSE IS?"
+
+_Native_. "YOU'RE ON THE FIRST GREEN THE NOO. YON'S THE FLAG OWER THE
+BACK O' THAT STANE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The difference between the classical Arabic and the colloquial
+    is far greater than that between the Greek of Cicero and the
+    Greek of, let us say, M. Gounaris."--_The Near East_.
+
+Of course there is also the difference of accent. CICERO spoke Greek
+with a slight Roman accent and M. GOUNARIS speaks it with a strong
+German one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two van-loads of shrapnel bullets were stopped by detectives
+    in Prospect Street, Rotherhithe."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+Tough fellows, these detectives. Stopping a single bullet would put most
+men out of action.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Cottage or two Double-bedded Rooms, in country river,
+    20-30 miles from Birmingham, first fortnight of
+    August."--_Daily Post (Birmingham)_.
+
+So convenient for friends to drop in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If the latest air raid does not make the British bull-dog show
+    his talons in a way that we have up till now wished he might
+    never do, well nothing will."--_Berwick Journal_.
+
+With his new pedal equipment the British bull-dog should give the German
+eagle pause.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are asked to state that a recently published work on _Beds and Hunts_
+(METHUEN) is not a companion-volume to _Minor Horrors of War_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE MEN WHO HAVE DIED FOR ENGLAND.
+
+  All ye who fought since England was a name,
+    Because Her soil was holy in your eyes;
+  Who heard Her summons and confessed Her claim,
+    Who flung against a world's time-hallow'd lies
+  The truth of English freedom--fain to give
+    Those last lone moments, careless of your pain,
+  Knowing that only so must England live
+    And win, by sacrifice, the right to reign--
+  Be glad, that still the spur of your bequest
+    Urges your heirs their threefold way along--
+  The way of Toil that craveth not for rest,
+    Clear Honour, and stark Will to punish wrong!
+  The seed ye sow'd God quicken'd with His Breath;
+  The crop hath ripen'd--lo, there is no death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LINKS BEING DEVOTED TO ALLOTMENTS, MR. AND MRS.
+BUNKER-BROWNE PRACTISE APPROACH SHOTS, WITH THE IDEA OF FILLING THEIR
+BASKET WITH POTATOES AT THE SAME TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_Marmaduke_ (HEINEMANN) has this peculiarity, that the title rôle is by
+no means its most important or interesting character. Indeed it might
+with more propriety have been called _Marrion_, since hers is not only
+the central figure in the plot, but emphatically the one over which Mrs.
+F. A. Steel has expended most care and affection. Moreover the untimely
+death of _Marmaduke_ leaves _Marrion_ to carry on the story for several
+chapters practically single-handed. I am bound to say, however, that at
+no stage did she get much help from her colleagues, all of whom--the
+gouty old father and his intriguing wife, the faithful servant, even
+debonair _Marmaduke_ himself--bear a certain air of familiarity. But if
+frequent usage has something lessened their vitality, _Marrion_ is a
+living and credible human being, whether as daughter of a supposed
+valet, adoring from afar the gay young ensign, or as the unacknowledged
+wife of _Marmaduke_ and mother of his child, or later as an army nurse
+amid the horrors of Crimean mismanagement. Later still, when the long
+arm of coincidence (making a greater stretch than I should have expected
+under Mrs. Steel's direction) brought _Marrion_ to the bedside of her
+parent in a hospital tent, and converted her into a Polish princess, I
+lost a little of my whole-hearted belief in her actuality. There are
+really two parts to the tale--the Scotch courtship, with its intrigues,
+frustrated elopements, _et hoc genus omne_; and the scenes, very
+graphically written, of active service at Varna and Inkerman. I will not
+pretend that the two parts are specially coherent; but at least Mrs.
+Steel has given us some exceedingly interesting pictures of a period
+that our novelists have, on the whole, unaccountably neglected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Experiments of Ganymede Bunn_ (HUTCHINSON) is like to command a
+wide audience. Its appeal will equally be to the lovers of Irish scenes,
+to those who affect stories about horses and hunting, and to the
+countless myriads who are fond of imagining what they would do with an
+unexpected legacy. It was this last that happened to _Ganymede_, who was
+left seventeen thousand pounds by an aunt called _Juno_ (the names of
+this family are not the least demand that Miss Dorothea Conyers makes
+upon your credulity). My mention of horses and Ireland shows you what he
+does with his money, and where. It does not, however, indicate the
+result, which is a happy variant upon what is usual in such cases. You
+know already, I imagine, the special qualities to be looked for in a
+tale by Miss Conyers--chief among them a rather baffling inability to
+lie a straight course. If I may borrow a metaphor from her own favourite
+theme, she is for ever dashing off on some alluring cross-scent. More
+important, fortunately, than this is the enjoyment which she clearly has
+in writing her stories and passes briskly on to the reader. There's a
+fine tang of the open-air about them, and a smell of saddle-leather,
+that many persons will consider well worth all the intricacies of your
+problem-novelists. I had the idea that her honest vulgar little legatee
+and his speculations as a horse-breeder might make a good subject for a
+character-comedian; but I suppose the late LORD GEORGE SANGER is the
+only man who could have produced the right equine cast.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The component elements of _The White Rook_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) may be
+summarised in the picturesque argot of Army Ordnance somewhat as
+follows: Chinamen, inscrutable, complete with mysterious drugs, one;
+wives, misunderstood, Mark I, one; husbands, unsympathetic (for purposes
+of assassination only), one; _ingénues_, Mark II, one; heroes, one;
+squires, brutal, one; murders of sorts, three; ditto, attempted,
+several. The inscrutable one is responsible for all the murders. Only
+the merest accident, it seems, prevents him from disposing of the few
+fortunate characters who survive to the concluding chapters of the
+story. He narrowly misses the misunderstood wife (now a widow, thanks to
+his kind offices), and his failure to bag the hero and _ingénue_
+(together with a handful of subsidiary characters) is only a matter of
+minutes. There is almost a false note about the last chapter, in which
+the Oriental commits suicide before he has completed his grisly task;
+but it was obviously impossible for anyone in the book to live happily
+ever after so long as he remained alive. Just how Mr. HARRIS BURLAND and
+the villainous figment of his lively imagination perform these deeds of
+dastard-do is not for me to reveal. The publishers modestly claim that
+in the school of WILKIE COLLINS this author has few rivals. As regards
+complexity of plot the claim is scarcely substantiated by the volume
+before me; but if bloodshed be the food of fiction Mr. BURLAND may slay
+on, secure in his pre-eminence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Rev. Frank Farmer_, hero of Mr. RICHARD MARSH'S _The Deacon's
+Daughter_ (LONG), was the youthful, good-looking and eloquent
+Congregationalist minister of the very local town of Brasted, and the
+ladies of his flock adored him. So earnestly indeed did they adore him
+that, after he had preached a stirring series of sermons on the evils of
+gambling, they decided to subscribe and send him for a holiday to Monte
+Carlo. On his return he was to preach another course of sermons, which
+"would rouse the national conscience and, with God's blessing, the
+conscience of all Europe." Possibly you can guess what happened to him;
+I did, and I am not a good guesser. The _Rev. Frank_ had never been out
+of England, and he found Monte Carlo inhabited by ladies who made him
+blush. He could not understand their bold ways, so different from the
+manner of the Brasted maidens. One of them laid especial siege to him
+and assured him that he had "_la veine_." At first I am inclined to
+believe that he thought she was talking of something varicose, but when
+he understood what she meant he was at her mercy. In short he tried his
+luck, to the dismay of his conscience but with prodigious benefit to his
+pocket. His return to Brasted is described with excellent irony.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILL IRWIN'S war-book naturally divides itself into two parts, since
+he was lucky enough to get near the Front both about Verdun during the
+great attack, and with the Alpini fighting on "the roof of Armageddon."
+To these brave and picturesque friends of ours he dedicates his study,
+_The Latin at War_ (CONSTABLE). You must not expect much of that inside
+information which the author, as an American journalist, must have been
+sorely tempted to produce. Indeed he has little to offer us that has not
+been common property of the Correspondents for long enough, and several
+of his descriptions (his picture of a glacier, for one), given with a
+rather irritatingly childlike air of new discovery, cannot escape the
+charge of commonplace. But his reflections, for once in a way the better
+half of experience, more than make good this defect. His essay on Paris,
+for instance--"the city of unshed tears"--is something more than
+interesting, and his analysis of the cause of the successes of the
+French army, in the face of initial defects of material, even better.
+The author of _Westward Ho!_, considering the Spanish and English navies
+of ELIZABETH'S time, found precisely the same contrasted elements of
+autocracy and brotherliness producing just those results that we find
+respectively in the German and French forces of to-day--on the one hand
+a mechanical perfection of command, on the other an informed equality
+which, somehow, does not make against efficiency whilst fostering
+individuality. Mr. IRWIN hardly refers to our own Army; but one is
+thankful to remember that discipline by consent, one of the virtues of
+true democracy, is not the exclusive tradition of our French allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A London Posy_ (MILLS AND BOON) is a story with at least an original
+setting. So far as I know, Miss SOPHIE COLE is the first novelist to
+group her characters about an actual London house preserved as a memorial
+to former inhabitants. The house in question is that in Gough Square,
+where Dr. JOHNSON lived, and two of the chief characters are _George
+Constant_, the curator, and his sister, to whom the shrine is the most
+precious object in life ("housemaid to a ghost," one of the other
+personages rather prettily calls her). It therefore may well be that to
+ardent devotees of the great lexicographer this story of what might have
+happened in his house to-day will make a stronger appeal than was the
+case with me, who (to speak frankly) found it a trifle dull. It might be
+said, though perhaps unkindly, that Miss COLE looks at life through such
+feminine eyes that all her characters, male and female, are types of
+perfect womanhood. In _Denis Laurie_, the gentle essayist and recluse,
+one might expect to find some feminine attributes; but even the bolder
+and badder lots, whose task it is to supply the melodramatic relief,
+struck me as oddly unvirile. But this is only a personal view. Others,
+as I say, may find this very gentle story of mild loves and two deserted
+wives a refreshing contrast to the truths, so much stranger and more
+lurid than any fiction, by which we are surrounded.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [Owing to a scarcity of literary matter at the Front, our
+soldiers are sometimes reduced to telling each other tales.]
+
+Private Jones. "AND SHE _SAYS_, 'OH! WOT BLINKIN' GREAT EYES YOU 'AVE,
+GRANDMOTHER!' AND THE WOLF, 'E SAYS, 'ALL THE BETTER TER SEE YER WIV, MY
+DEAR.'"]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Punch, Volume 153, July 11, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10143 ***