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diff --git a/10105-h/10105-h.htm b/10105-h/10105-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..93d638d --- /dev/null +++ b/10105-h/10105-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2178 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. II, No. 33.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10105 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><i>THE HANDSOMEST AND THE BEST.</i></p> + <p><big><big><b>Every Saturday,</b></big></big></p> + <p>THE GREAT ILLUSTRATED PAPER OF AMERICA.</p> + <p><i>Illustrated with Drawings from the Best Artists in America +and Europe.</i></p> + <p><b>Able Editorials, Excellent Stories, Attractive +Miscellaneous Reading.</b></p> + <p>BEAUTIFULLY PRINTED ON TINTED PAPER.<br> +For sale everywhere.</p> + <p><small>FIELDS, OSGOOD & CO., Publishers, Boston.</small></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <b>Lettered & Stamped,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </b> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <b>83 Nassau Street.</b> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/099.jpg" alt=""> <br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 33.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12,1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>FOR SALE.—<b>22</b> VOLS., 52 NOS. EACH, OF <b>London +Punch</b>,<br> +COMPLETE FROM 1841 (1st YEAR) TO 1862, INCLUSIVE.<br> +PRICE <b>Fifty Dollars</b>.<br> +ADDRESS P.F.G., P.O. 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It is a <i>complete treatise on Motherhood</i>, +treating of Pregnancy, Labor, the Nursing and Rearing of Infants, the +Diseases of Children, the Care and Education of Youth, Reflections on +Marriage. <i>Emphatically and thoroughly commended by Distinguished +Physicians, and by the Medical, Religious, and Secular Press.</i></small></p> + <p><small>Circulars sent on application; or, Book sent free by +mail on receipt of price, $2.95.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.B. 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BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p><br> +33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from</p> + <p>10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.<br> + </small></p> + <p><small><br> + </small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><b>A MONTHLY JOURNAL</b><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO +COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum,<br> +in advance; 50 cts. per +number.<br> +Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/101.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>FASHIONABLE RELIGION.</b></p> + <p><i>Father.</i> "WELL, MY DEAR, DID YOU HAVE AN AMUSING SERMON +THIS MORNING?"</p> + <p><i>Daughter.</i> "O NO!—VERY STUPID. DR. CHIPPER ISN'T THE +LEAST FUNNY +NOWADAYS—PREACHES THE REGULAR OLD MISERABLE SINNER SORT OF BUSINESS."</p> + </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>GREAT MEN OF AMERICA.</b></p> + <p>By MOSE SKINNER</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">DANIEL WEBSTER</p> + <p>Was the sort of a man you don't find laying round loose +nowadays to any great extent. It's a pity his brains wasn't preserved +in a glass case, where the imbecile lunatics at Washington could take a +whiff occasionally. It would do 'em good.</p> + <p>We are told that as a boy DANIEL was stupid, but this has been +said of so many great men that it's getting stale. Some talented men +were undoubtedly stupid boys, but it doesn't follow that every idiotic +youth will make an eminent statesman. But there are plenty of vacancies +in the statesman business. A great many men go into it, but they fail +for want of capital. If they would only stick to their legitimate +business of clam-digging, or something of that sort, we should +appreciate them, and their obituary notice would be a thing to love, +because 'twould be short.</p> + <p>But D. WEBSTER wasn't one of this sort. He didn't force +Nature. He forgot enough every day to set five modern politicians up +for life. When he opened his mouth to speak, it didn't act upon the +audience like chloroform, nor did the senate-chamber look five minutes +after like a receiving tomb, with the bodies laying round +promiscuously. I should say not. He could wade right into the middle of +a dictionary and drag out some ideas that were wholesome. Yes, when +DANIEL in that senatorial den <i>did</i> get his back up, the +political lions just stood back and growled.</p> + <p>Take him altogether he was our biggest gun, and it's a pity he +went off as he did, for he was the Great Expounder of the Constitution.</p> + <br> + <p style="text-align: center;">HON. JOHN MORRISSEY</p> + <p>Is also a Great Ex-pounder. Even greater than WEBSTER, for the +constitution of the United States is a trifling affair, compared with +the constitution of J.C. HEENAN.</p> + <p>Mr. MORRISSEY is a very able man and made his mark early in +life. Before he could write his name, I'm told. No man has made more +brilliant hits, and his speeches are concise and full of originality. +"I'll take mine straight." "No sugar for me," &c., have become as +household words.</p> + <p>A man like this, though he may be vilified and slandered for +awhile, will eventually come in on the home stretch with a right bower +to spare.</p> + <p>That's a nice place JOHN has got at Saratoga. Fitted up so +elegantly, and with so much money in it, it looks like a Fairy bank +with the fairies gambolling upon the green. It's all very pretty, no +doubt, but excuse me if I pass.</p> + <br> + <p style="text-align: center;">GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN.</p> + <p>This gentleman is yet destined to send a thrill of joy to our +hearts, and flood our souls with a calm and tranquil joy. This will +come off when his funeral takes place. He wasn't born like other +people. He was made to order for the position of common scold in a +country sewing-circle.</p> + <p>But he wasn't satisfied. He wanted to be an Eminent Lunatic +and found private mad-houses. And so he began to lecture. He used to +rehearse in a graveyard, and it was a common thing for a newly-buried +corpse to organize a private resurrection and make for the woods, +howling dismally.</p> + <p>A village out West was singularly unfortunate last summer. In +the first place the cholera raged, then they had an earthquake, and +then G.F. TRAIN lectured three nights. Owing to this accumulation of +horrors the village is no longer to be found on the maps. TRAIN'S +second night did the business for 'em. The once happy villagers are now +aimless wanderers, and one poor old man was found in the churchyard, +studying a war map of Paris and vicinity in a late New York paper.</p> + <p>It is said that TRAIN has his eye on the White House, and is +indeed a shrewd, far-seeing man. When he visited Europe and kissed all +the little Irish girls, could he have had in his mind the time when +they, as naturalized American Female Suffragers, would cast their votes +for G.F. TRAIN as President?</p> + <p>That the mind of the reader may not become hopelessly dazed by +contemplating this last paragraph, I will stop.</p> + <br> + <p style="text-align: center;">MOTHER GOOSE.</p> + <p>I cannot close these memoirs without a simple tribute to this +remarkable woman, who has probably done more to mould the destinies of +this Republic than any other man put together. She was an eminently +pious woman, devoted body and soul to Foreign Missions, and to the +great work of sending the gospel to New Jersey.</p> + <p>But it was as a composer that her brilliant talents stand +preeminent. MOZART, BEETHOVEN, and a host of others excelled in this +respect, but they all lack that exquisite pathos and graceful rhetoric +which so distinguished this queen of literature. The beautiful +creations of that fruitful brain are as a passing panorama of constant +delight. Her style is singularly free from affectation, and, while we +are at one moment rapt in wonder at her chaste and vigorous description +of the annoyances of a female in the autumn of life, training up a +large family in the limited accommodations afforded by a common shoe, +we cannot but feel a twinge of compassion for the singular Mrs. HUBBARD +and her lovely dog, who "had none," only to have those tears chased +away by the arch and guileless portrayal of the eccentric JOHN HORNER.</p> + <p>That we cannot to-day gaze upon the classic lineaments of her +who welded such a facile pen, is a source of the most poignant regret. +It is a crying shame, for I think I am correct when I say that there +does not exist on the civilized globe a statue of this peerless woman, +but she will always live as long as there are infant minds to form, or +tender recollections of childhood to remember.</p> + <p>P.S.—I forgot to say that I hold a copyright of old GRANNY +GOOSE'S works. I have just got it renewed, and it is as vigorous as a +kicking-mule. Send in your orders. Contributions to the old gal's +statue will be duly acknowledged, and deposited with my tailor.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/102.jpg" align="left" alt="">JANAUSCHEK is a +Bohemian, and with the Bohemian propensity for +picking up things, has picked up the English language. The public is +somewhat divided in its estimate of her skill in speaking English. +One-half of her average audience insists that she speaks better English +than nine-tenths of our native actresses: the other half asserts that +she is at times nearly unintelligible. Neither of these statements +necessarily contradicting the other, they might both be easily true. +The fact is, however, that she speaks English like a foreigner. Mud +itself—or a Sun editorial—could not be plainer than this definition of +her exact proficiency in our unmelodious tongue.</p> + <p>If we go to see her play "Lady Macbeth," we meet evidences at +every step of her want of familiarity with English, or at all events +with American customs. We find her playing at the ACADEMY, and we at +once remark that no one but an unnecessarily foreign actress would dare +to awaken the sepulchral echoes of that dismal tomb. We find, too, that +at the very threshold of the house she defies the one of the most +time-honored institutions of our stage, by employing a pleasant and +courteous door-keeper—instead of the snarling Cerberus who lies in wait +at the doors of other theatres. We find again that she outrages the +public by the presence of decent and civil ushers, who neither insult +the male spectators by their surly impudence, nor annoy the lady +visitor by coloring her train with tobacco juice. So that before the +curtain rises we are prepared to lament over her unfamiliarity with +American customs, and to predict her ignorance of the American, as well +as the English language.</p> + <p>Divers well-meaning persons repeat the dialogue of the earlier +scenes of the play. There is a good deal of dramatic force in the legs +of Mr. MONTGOMERY, who plays "Macbeth," much animation in the feathers +which Mr. STUDLEY'S "Macduff" wears in his hat, and a foreshadowing of +ghostly peculiarities in the solemn stride of Mr. DE VERE'S "Banquo." +We listen to these gentlemen with polite patience, waiting for the +appearance of "Lady Macbeth." When at length that strong-minded female +strides across the stage, we hail her with rapturous applause, and +listen for the strident voice with which the average "Lady Macbeth" +reads her husband's letter.</p> + <p>We don't hear it, however, for JANAUSCHEK reads in a tone as +low as that which a sensible woman who was plotting treason and murder +would be apt to use. Why "Lady Macbeth" should proclaim her deadly +purpose at the top of her lungs is quite incomprehensible, except upon +the theory that stage traditions have confounded the Scotch with the +Irish, and that the "Macbeths" husband and wife—being the typical +Fenians of the period, were accustomed to roar their secrets to the +listening world.</p> + <p>Be that as it may, we are constrained to note the actress's +unfamiliarity with the language, as evinced in the tone in which she +reads the letter, and also in the way in which she urges her husband +onward in the path of crime. The usual "Lady Macbeth" "goes for" her +weakminded spouse, and drives him by threats and strong-language to +consent to her little game. JANAUSCHEK, on the contrary, does not raise +a broom-stick, or even her voice, at "Macbeth," but actually coaxes him +to be so good as to kill the king, so that she can bring all her +relations to court, and appoint them surveyors, and internal revenue +collectors, and foreign ministers. This is not the tone of other +actresses in the same part, and we therefore at once charge her +departure from the common standard to her ignorance of English.</p> + <p>We listen with fortitude to the dismal singing of the witches +and their friends in mask and domino. The music, we are told, is +"LOCKE'S music." What is the proper key for LOCKE'S music, is a +question which we have never attempted to solve, but we heartily wish +that the key were lost forever, since by its aid the singers open +vistas of musical dreariness which are disheartening to the last +degree. But we sustain our spirits with the thought of the bloody +murder that is coming. Talk as we ill, we all enjoy our murders, +whether we read of them in the <i>Sun</i> and the <i>Police Gazette</i>, +or witness them upon the stage.</p> + <p>When JANAUSCHEK comes upon "Macbeth" with his bloody hands, +and explains to him that it is now too late to repent, either of murder +or matrimony, she furnishes us with more instances of her unfamiliarity +with the language. Her night-dress is not at all the sort of thing +which an English-speaking woman would be willing to sleep in. We are +confident upon this point, and we have on our side the testimony of a +married man who has lived four years in Chicago, and has been annually +married with great regularity. If he doesn't know what the average +female regards as the proper thing in night-dresses, it would be +difficult to find a man who does. Then, too, her gross ignorance of +English is shown in her back hair, which is a foot longer than the +average hair of previous "Lady Macbeths," and is as thick and massive +as a lion's mane. Wicked and punnish persons go so far as to call it +her mane attraction. They are wrong, however. JANAUSCHEK does not draw +by the force of capillary attraction. By the bye, did any one ever +notice the fact that while a painter cannot be considered an artist +unless he draws well, an actress may be the greatest of artists and not +be able to draw a hundred people? But this is wandering.</p> + <p>Owing to the imperfections of her English, JANAUSCHEK does not +indulge in drinking from the gilded pasteboard goblets which grace the +banquet scene. She also shows her lingual weakness in the sleep-walking +scene. For instance, when, after having reigned queen of Scotland for +several months, the happy thought of washing her hands strikes her, she +commits the absurdity of scrubbing them with her hair. On the other +hand, she pronounces the words "damned spot" with a, perfection of +accent that constrains us to believe that she must have taken at least +a few lessons in pronunciation from some of the leading members of +WALLACK'S company. Still, her way of walking blindly into the table, +and falling over casual chairs, ought to convince the most skeptical +person that her English accent is not yet what it should be. And in +general, her walk and conversation in this scene demonstrate that even +the most carefully simulated somnambulism may not resemble in all +respects the most approved Oxford pronunciation.</p> + <p>But when we are freed from the depressing influences of the +Academical Crypt, we forget all but our admiration of JANAUSCHEK'S +superb acting, and the exceptional command which she has gained over a +language so vexatious in its villanous consonants as our own. And we +express to every available listener the earnest hope that SKEBACH and +FECHTER will profit by her success, and at once begin the study of +English, with the view of devoting their efforts hereafter to the +American stage.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POISONING THE PLUGS.</b></p> + <p>A Rampant Virginia editor proposes to kill off the Yankees by +putting poison in chewing-tobacco, so that we shall meet mortality in +mastication, fate in fine-cut, and perdition in the soothing plug! In +short, Virginia not having got the best of it in political quiddities, +this pen-patriot is for trying the other kind. The short-sightedness of +this policy will be evident, when we remember how many Republicans +consider the weed to be the abomination of desolation. Virginia might +poison chewing-tobacco till the crack of doom, but what effect would +that have upon the eschewing (not chewing) GREELEY, who, even if he +used it, has bitten T(he) WEED so many times that he can consider +himself poison-proof. When, moreover, this LUCRETIA BORGIA in +pantaloons remembers that his scheme might prove more fatal to his +friends than his enemies, perhaps he will take rather a larger quid +than usual, and grow benevolent under its bland influences.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>FIRM AS A ROCK.</b></p> + <p>All the newspapers are full of descriptions of the earthquake +of the 20th of October, and of the panic thereby occasioned. We are +proud to state, although massive buildings quivered and great cities +were scared, that Mr. PUNCHINELLO was not in the least shaken. At the +moment of the quake (11h. 26m. A.M.) he must have been seated upon his +drum partaking of a lunch of sandwiches and small beer. He did not +perceive the slightest reverberation, nor did the drum give the least +vibratory sign. Mr. PUNCHINELLO has prepared a most elaborate and +scientific paper, giving a full and elaborate and intensely scientific +description of the various phenomena which he did not perceive, and +which he proposes to read before any scientific associations which may +invite him to do so. Terms, $50 and expenses.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/103.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE PREVAILING DISORDER.</b></p> + <p><i>Planet (responsively)</i>. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME, +EH?—GOT THE FEVER<br> +AND EARTHQUAKER—GOT 'EM BAD."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <br> + <p><b>EDITOR'S DRAWER.</b></p> + <p>OH YES! PUNCHINELLO has an Editor's Drawer, and a very nice +one, too. (As no allusion is here made to any of the artists of the +paper, you needn't be getting ready to laugh.) This Drawer—and no +periodical in the country possesses a better one—is chock full of the +most splendid anecdotes, and as it is impossible to keep them shut up +any longer (for some of them are getting very old and musty), a few of +the bottom ones will now be given to the public.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>A GENTLEMAN just returned from a tour in Western Asia sends to +the Drawer the following account of a little bit of pleasantry which +took place in the gala town of South Amboy:—</p> + <p>A young doctor, clever, rich, pure-minded, and just, but of +somewhat ambigufied principles, was strenuously married to a sweet +young creature, delicate as a daffodil, and altogether loveliacious. +One night, having been entreated by a select party of his most aged +patients to go with them on a horniferous bendation, he gradually +dropped, by dramific degrees, in a state of absolute tipsidity, and +four clergymen, who happened to be passing, carried him home on a +shutter, and thus ushered him in all his drunkosity, into the presence +of his little better-half, who was drawing in crayons in the back +parlor. "My dear," said she, looking up with an angelic smile, "why did +you come home in that odd manner, upon a shutter?" "Because, <i>mon +ange</i>," said he, "you see that these worthy gentlemen, all good men +and true, <i>mon</i> only <i>ange</i>, brought me home upon a shutter +because they were not able to get any of the doors off of their hinges. +(Hic.)"</p> + <p>This is almost <i>too</i> funny.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>The descendant of the Hamnisticorious sojourner in the ark +knows what is good for him. For pungent proof, hear this: A young lady, +a daughter of the venerable and hospitable General G-----, of Upper +Guilford, Conn., was once catechizing a black camp-meeting, and when +the exercises were over, a colored brother approached her and said:</p> + <p>"Look-a-yar now, 's MARY, jist gib dis nigger one obdem +catekidgeble books."</p> + <p>"But what would you do with it, CUDJO, if I gave it to you?"</p> + <p>"Oh, <i>dis chile 'ud take it</i>!"</p> + <p>Ha! ha! ha! Our colored brother will have his wild hilarity.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>Two septennialated youngsters of Boston. Mass, (so writes +their gifted mother), thus recently dialogued:</p> + <p>"PERSEUS," said the younger, "why was the noble WASHINGTON +buried at Mount Vernon?"</p> + <p>"Because he was dead," boldly answered his brother.</p> + <p>Oh! the tender-aged! How their sub-corrected longings curb our +much maturer yearnings.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>Here is an anecdote of a "four-year old," which we give in the +exact words of our correspondent, an aged and respected resident of +Oswego county, in this State:</p> + <p>"Well, now, ye see, I couldn't do nothing at all with this +'ere four-year old 'o mine, fur he was jist as wild an onruly as +anything ye ever see; and so I jist knocked him in the head, and kep +the hide and the taller, and got thirteen cents a pound for the beef, +which wasn't so bad, ye see."</p> + <p>Strange, practical man! We could not do thus with all our +little tid-toddlers of but four bright summers.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>A correspondent in San Francisco sends the Drawer these +epitaphs, which are entirely too good to be lost.</p> + <p>The first is from the grave of a farmer, much notorified for +his "forehandidification," and who, it is needless to say, was buried +on his own farm:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Here +lies JOHN SIMMS, who always did</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Good farming understand;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">E'en now he's gratified to think</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He benefits his land."</span> </div> + <p>Here is one upon a gambler, who died of some sort of sickness, +superinduced by some description of disease:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"His +hand was so bad that he laid him down here;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But up he will certainly jump,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And quick follow suit for the +rest of the game</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When Gabriel plays his last +trump."</span> </div> + <p>Here is one on a truly unfortunate member of the human race:—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 5.5em;">"Here lies CORNELIUS COX,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">who, on account of a series of +unhappy occurrences, the principal</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">of which were a greatly increased +rent and consumption of</span><br> + <span + style="margin-left: 7.5em;">the lungs,</span><br> + <span + style="margin-left: 5.25em;">Got himself into a tight box."</span> </div> + <p>The ladies must not be neglected. Sweet creatures! even on +tombstones we sing their praises. This is to the memory of a +fashionable and lovely siren of society:—</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1em;">"She always moved with distinguished grace,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And never was known to make +slips.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At last she sank down into this +grave</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">With the neatest of Boston +dips."</span></p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p><br> +An old lady in Bangor, Maine, sends the following entertaining anecdote +of one of our most distinguished fellow-citizens:—</p> + <p>The late Senator R-----, who, by the way, was a very portly +man, was in the habit of riding over the fields to consult Judge +B-----, his wife's cousin, on points of extra-judicial import. One +morning, just as he was about to get down from his horse.—(NOTE BY +ED.—The middle of this anecdote is so long, so dull, and has so little +connection with either the head or the tail, that it is necessarily +omitted.)</p> + <p>"Well," said the Judge, "what would you do then?"</p> + <p>"<i>I don't know</i>," said the Senator. "Do you?"</p> + <p>If our public men were, at all times, as thoughtful as these +two, the country would be better for it.</p> + <hr style="height: 2px; width: 15%;"> + <p>NECESSARY NOTE.—Persons sending anecdotes to this Drawer (or +those reading them), need not expect to make anything by the operation.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PRUSSIAN PRACTICE AND PROFESSION.</b></p> + <p>KING WILLIAM of Prussia thinks he has a mission to perform, +and goes on his present raid in France as a missionary. To an +unprejudiced sceptic, however, needle-guns, rifle-cannons, requisitions +on the country, devastations of crops, bombarding of cities, and the +rest of the accompaniments of his progress are, if possible, even worse +in their effects upon the unhappy people subjected to his missionary +efforts than the New England rum which accompanied the real +missionaries in their descent upon the now depopulated islands of the +Pacific. Private people with missions are nuisances, but public people +with such ideas are simply unbearable.</p> + <p>In the case of kings, if we may trust the democratic movement +which this war in Europe is aiding so greatly, the only mission the +people will soon allow to kings is dis-mission.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Prussian Cruelty.</b></p> + <p>"A PASS for THIERS," the telegrams state, has been promised by +the King of Prussia. There is a sound of mockery in this. Prussia's +obstinacy in pushing the war has made so many widows and orphans that +all France is a PASS for TEARS.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/104.jpg" alt=""> + <p>FRIGHTFUL SHOCK SUSTAINED BY BEAU BIGSBY ON BEING SUDDENLY<br> +BROUGHT FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF THOSE DISTORTING MIRRORS.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>"Up in a balloon, boys!"—<i>Macbeth</i>.</p> + <p>TOURS, FIFTH WEEK Of THE REPUBLIC, 1870.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: To all men of lofty ambition I would +recommend a balloon excursion. The higher you get, the smaller and more +insignificant do earthly things appear. A balloon is the best pulpit +imaginable from which to preach a sermon upon the littleness of mundane +realities, first—because no one can hear you, and your congregation +cannot therefore be held responsible for indifference to your teaching; +and second—because at that height you are fully impressed with the +truth of what you say.</p> + <p>Aspirations of whatever kind, all longings and emotions of the +"Excelsior" order, all appeals to "look aloft," come handier when you +can "do" them in an aerial car.</p> + <p>You will pardon this philosophic digression in respect to the +peculiar feelings of a man who has just been "up in a balloon." Our +air-ship had been anchored in the <i>Champ de Mars</i> two days, +waiting for a fair wind. An hour before we started, a Yorkshireman, who +had evidently never seen such a creation before, annoyed me with +incessant questions as to what it was. His large, wondering, stupid +eyes never ceased gazing at the monster as it tugged heavily at the +stake which held it. "Na' wha' maun <i>that</i> be?" he exclaimed, +starting back as it gave a very violent jerk. I could stand it no +longer, and thus broke forth:—</p> + <p>"See here, my good fellow, you've got plenty of cheek to be +bothering me with your confounded ridiculous questions; and so I'll +answer you once for all. What you see tied fast there is called a +balloon, and it's only a French method of drawing Englishmen's teeth." +He left me—I trust not in anger; but that was the last I saw of the +Yorkshireman.</p> + <p>We got off, (M. GODARD and I) about four o'clock P.M., and +ascended steadily till Paris, with its rim of fortifications, looked +more like the crater of a volcano than anything else. I brought out my +opera-glass as we moved in the direction of Versailles, and +reconnoitred the situation. In a field adjoining the palace I saw an +object that looked like a post driven into the ground, and capped with +a large-sized clam-shell. GODARD levelled his glass and examined it. +His lip curled proudly with scorn as he said:—</p> + <p>"That is the butcher himself, WILLIAM of Prussia. The +clam-like appearance you notice is due to the baldness of his head."</p> + <p>I only said: "Can it be possible?" and we moved on. How my +blood throbbed as we cavorted through the blue depths of heaven! I was +far from feeling blue myself, and GODARD said that if anything I was +green. The bearings of the remark did not strike me at the time, as a +cannon-ball from the direction of Versailles whirled within twenty feet +of the balloon and lifted the right flank (a military expression) of my +moustache into your subscriber's eye, notwithstanding it was waxed with +LOUVET'S best, warranted to keep each hair <i>en règle</i>, +even in the worst gales. From that moment I renounced LOUVET. Following +the cannon-shot came a miscellaneous assortment of small projectiles, +which had the effect of creating some excitement among the atmospheric <i>animalculae</i>, +but failed to disturb the serenity of M. GODARD or myself. When about +ten miles from Blois I detected what I supposed was a large vein of +chalk-pits. It was very white, and apparently motionless. My companion +expressed his surprise at the difficulty I had in distinguishing +objects correctly, and seemed to lose patience.</p> + <p>"<i>Bigarre</i>, you no know zat? It ees ze dirty Proosien +linen vashed out, and hoong zere to dry!"</p> + <p>I told him in Arabic that he needn't get his back up; but he +understood me not, and continued playing with the cats which we were +transporting to Tours to protect the Commissary stores from the ravages +of the rats that the Prussians had despatched to eat up the provisions +of the garrison. Towards night I began to have a queer sensation in the +stomach. It wasn't like sea-sickness, nor like the feeling produced by +swinging. If a man just recovering from the effects of his first cigar +were offered a bowl of hot goose-grease for supper, I suppose he would +have felt as I felt. At the moment a queer twinge took me; I +ejaculated: "Oh! Lord!"</p> + <p>"Vat ees de matter?" inquired GODARD. If the man had had any +other nationality, I might have talked sense to him; but he was a +Frenchman, so I said:—</p> + <p>"Do you love me?"</p> + <p>"Do I loves you?"</p> + <p>"Yes!" I roared frantically, "do you love me?"</p> + <p>"<i>Begaire</i> I dunno, but I zinks so."</p> + <p>"Then," said I, dimly discerning a chance of relief from my +suffering, "throw me out as ballast."</p> + <p>"Oh, <i>horrible! horrible! Mon Dieu!</i> vat a man!"</p> + <p>I turned my sickly gaze upon him and saw that he was deadly +pale, and that the perspiration stood out in great drops upon his +forehead. The explanation was plain enough—he took me for a maniac. I +would have protested and moved the previous question, but taking a +small phial from his pocket he broke off the head and threw the +contents in my face. Ten seconds later I was totally oblivious, and +upon recovering found myself in this place, where such strange things +are going on that my fingers prick to write them.</p> + <p>DICK TINTO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN EX-MONSTER.</b></p> + <p>It is a bad day for monarchs. Boston has, for several weeks, +had upon Exhibition His Marine Majesty the Whale. The captive was shown +for the ridiculously small sum of two shillings, and great was the +gathering to gaze upon the spouter, who would have come just in time to +attend the political caucuses, only he happens to be dead, and cannot +spout any more, albeit his jaw is still tremendous. His defunct +condition renders it unnecessary to feed him upon JONAHS, which is +lucky for a good many superfluous voyagers upon the Ship of State. If +the King of All the Fishes can draw such crowds at a quarter a head, +what a chance is there for our friend LOUIS NAPOLEON! If he will but +make an Exhibition of himself in this country, we promise him full +houses, and a greater fortune than that which he has lost.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MICROSCOPIC MAN.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/105.jpg" align="left" alt="B">umps have a +great deal to answer for. Of course we refer to +phrenological bumps, from which, possibly, the powerful adjective +"bumptious" is derived, it being applicable to a person whose +conflicting bumps keep him continually on the rampage.</p> + <p>Of all such persons, the one with microscopes in his bumps for +eyes is the most bumptious. He is continually detecting pernicious +particles in everything that he eats and drinks. One such will seize a +pepper-castor, invert it over his mashed turnips, spank it as if it +were a child, and then, peering at the dark particles with which the +succulent heap of vegetable matter is dusted, proceed to deliver a +lecture upon the poisons that we swallow with our daily food. He sees +iron-filings in the pepper. Also particles of the tail-feathers of +Spanish flies. He will tell you that if you continue to use pepper like +that for a long duration—say seventy or eighty years—you will have iron +enough in your stomach, from the filings, to make a ten-pound +dumb-bell, and blistering stuff sufficient from the Spanish fly to draw +all the interest of the National Debt. If the pepper happens to belong +to the Cayenne persuasion, he magnifies it into a hod of bricks. It is +his hod way of accounting for it. Keep using it daily for +half-a-century, says he, and see if you don't wake up some fine morning +and find yourself a brick chimney stuck up on the roof of a house for +bats to live in. It will be a just judgment on you; and small will be +to you the consolation should some poetical friend pen an +epigrammatical threnody to your memory, telling in "In Memoriam" +stanzas how you "went up like a thousand of bricks."</p> + <p>"Beef?" says the microscopic man, probing the meat with a +pencil of light that beams from his right eye (the other being closed +for concentration purposes), "Beef, sir?—not a bit of the <i>bos taurus</i> +about it, sir. Horse, donkey, mule, zebra—what you will, but not a +single fibre of ox. Did you ever see the fibres of beef run in a +direction due north and south, like these? If you did I should like to +know it, sir. I inspected this meat raw, sir, to-day, on the butcher's +stall, and the minute <i>ova</i> perceptible in it were those of the +horse gad-fly, not the ox gad-fly, sir. Yes, begad, sir, and I'm +prepared to maintain the fact upon oath, sir."</p> + <p>Porter and other malt liquors are favorite subjects for the +analysis of the microscopic man. As you are placidly enjoying your pint +of GUINNESS'S brown stout, he will look at you for minutes with a +compassionate smile. Then, suddenly plunging into his favorite horror +knee-deep, he will ask you if you know what becomes of all the ends of +smoked-out cigars. Of course you submit that little boys pick them up +and smoke them to everlasting annihilation. "Pshaw! sir," exclaims the +microscopic person; "there is a man in the City of Dublin, sir—I +believe he is a baronet now, but will not force that as a fact—and he +made an enormous fortune by going about the streets at early dawn and +picking up all the cigar-stumps he could find, and they were not few, +as you may suppose, in that smokingest of cities. He used to furnish +these by the ton to old GUINNESS, who used them for giving color and +body to his famous 'Stout.' Body?—I should think so rather!—but only +think where the body came from! Just recall to mind the filthiest +gutter that ever you saw in your life, with the numerous ends of cigars +that you perfectly remember having observed sweltering in it, and then +take another pull at your GUINNESS, sir, and I wish you joy of it, sir!"</p> + <p>Once we remember to have heard the subject of the possibility +of lizards snakes, frogs, and other cheerful reptiles having resided +for indefinite periods in the stomachs of human subjects, discussed in +the presence of the microscopic man. A lady of the party was skeptical +on the subject, dwelling especially upon the impossibility of any +person swallowing a reptile unawares. "Observe those water-cresses of +which you have been partaking so freely, madam," said the microscopic +man. "Beneath each leaf I discern <i>ova</i> of things that it might +horrify you to enumerate in full. Suffice it to say, then, for the +present, that on the leaves of this small sprig culled by me at random +from the cluster, are to be detected the germs of the <i>trigonocephalus +contortrix</i>, than which, when fully developed, no more deadly +reptile wriggles upon earth. See this minute agglomeration of yellowish +specks on the stalk of the cress. These are the eggs of the <i>lacerta +horrida</i>, a lizard that within the large warts with which its +epidermis is studded secretes a poison of the most virulent character. +Others, too, I discern, but they are too disagreeable to dwell upon—not +to speak of one having <i>them</i> dwell inside one, instead—ha! ha! +Now, remember that all these germs are hatched by gentle warmth. No +degree of temperature that we know of is more gentle than that of the +human stom—"</p> + <p>At this point the lady fainted, and the microscopic man was +thrown promptly out of the window by her husband, who has since been +presented by a committee of grateful citizens with a gold-mounted cane, +as a mark of consideration for his services in ridding the world of a +monster.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"GREEK MEETS GREEK."</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh, +lovers of your lager beer,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Drinkers of wine and ale,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Ye editors and ministers,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Come listen to my tale,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And learn the very slight basis</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Characters are built on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">By reading of the fight between</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">FULTON and friend TILTON.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">In New York City, Broadway street,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Friend FULTON took his way,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Squinting in ev'ry restaurant,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For it was then mid-day;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He saw a bottle on a stand,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">With words all in gilt on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">While right before that awful +stand</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Guzzling wine sat TILTON.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">On Sunday night, while walking +down</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Bow'ry to the ferry,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TILTON did spy a lager shop</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Where the folks were merry,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And saw a sight that op'd his +eyes,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For, in that beery vat,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nine lagers foaming by his side,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Reverend FULTON sat.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With spirit sword bound at his +side,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And his hand the hilt on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Brave FULTON smote at hip and +thigh</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of our little TILTON;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then TILTON took a mighty quill,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Called FULTON a liar,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">FULTON took that to his church,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Will he take it higher?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now TILTON says that FULTON lies,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">FULTON says 'tis TILTON;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I wish this epic was told by</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">HOMER or by MILTON.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>I</i> cannot tell which yarn +is true,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nor what each is built on,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But surely there's been lying by</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">FULTON or else TILTON.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A FINE OLD LADY.</b></p> + <p>In this day of monetary papyrus, it is pleasing to read of an +ancient matron in Lafayette, Ind., who, at the age of eighty-nine, has +gone to her reward, leaving no property save a $20 gold piece. For +several years, she has been reserving this honest coin to pay her +funeral expenses; and one cannot help surmising that she must have been +distantly related to the late Old Bullion BENTON. "No National Bank +nonsense at my tomb!" said she; "no grimed and greasy currency for my +undertaker! I will have a specie-paying funeral or none at all." As we +have the precedent of a great many Old Ladies in the Cabinet, we are +rather sorry that it is too late to invite this clear-headed dame to +take a chair in Washington.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/106.jpg" alt=""> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">A MODEST REQUEST.</p> + <p><i>Disbursing Agent of Political Organization [to Delegation +on biz.]</i>: "AH! GENTLEMEN, YOU REPRESENT THE----"</p> + <p><i>Spokesman</i>. "YES; WE WANT $200. I'M THE KNOCK-'EM-DOWN +CLUB, AND HE'S THE TARGET COMPANY."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WRONG "DUMMIE."</b></p> + <p>Gatling (our countryman, you know) has invented a Battery Gun. +They have been trying this gun over at Shoeburyness (how is that, for a +name?) in England, to see whether they had not better order a few, in +time for the next war. It seems that they conducted their experiments +by firing at "dummies, representing men." (Oh, if they had <i>only</i> +had some of our American Dummies there, who Represent Men so +inadequately.) There were 136 of these <i>simulacra</i>, "99 of whom," +says the report "would have been killed." That is, if it had been +possible to kill them. In fact, they would have been killed four or +five times over. "Kilt intirely."</p> + <p>We shall always feel that a great opportunity was here lost of +ridding the country of certain nuisances, who, if anything at all, are <i>worse</i> +than dummies, and deserve not four only, but four hundred balls in +them, "forty-two one-hundredths of an inch in diameter," or even +larger. There are so many, it would be useless to attempt to specify +them: and besides, everybody knows who they are. We would begin with +the Politicians, and end with the Brokers. And then the Millennium +would begin, "sure pop."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TROUBLE FOR THE RISING GENERATION.</b></p> + <p>Mr. PUNCHINELLO has often thought with what melancholy +feelings the naughty boys must gaze upon a fine grove of growing +birches; but what pangs would a knowing child experience upon finding +himself in Randolph county, Illinois, where they raise twelve bushels +of castor-oil beans to the acre! Of what depths of juvenile +wretchedness and precocious misanthropy is that crop suggestive! We see +it all—the anxious parent—the solemn doctor—the writhing patient—the +glass—the spoon! Howls like those of a battle-field, only less so, fill +the air. The wretched victim of pharmacy, conquered at last, gives one +desperate gulp to save himself from strangulation, and all is over! Ye +who remember your boyhood's home! tell us if there was any joke in all +this!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE GREAT MODERN O MISSION.</b>—The English Mission.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/107.jpg" alt=""> <b>THE LITERARY +PIRATES.</b> + <p>SUGGESTED BY BIARD'S PICTURE, AND SHOWING THE PIRATICAL ROVER +"HARPY" SPRINGING<br> +A TRAP UPON THE GOOD SHIP "AUTHOR" IN A FAVOURABLE +TRADE WIND.</p> + </center> + <br> + <p><b>"THE HARPY."</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With +literary ventures stowed</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">As full as ship can be,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The good ship "Author" holds her +way</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Over the fickle sea;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now sings the wind, and, all +serene,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The ripples forth and back</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lap lightly round her gleaming +sides</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And whiten on her track.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Far westward, on the line of blue</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">That meets the pearly<a + name="FNanchor1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a> sky,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There looms up large a stranger +sail,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A sail both broad and high;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as she near and nearer draws</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">She hovers like a bird,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And strains of music from her deck</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Upon the air are heard.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now closer draws the stranger +sail—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Are sirens they who hang</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">About the quivering cordage with—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Hallo! what's that?—bang! bang!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The trap is sprung, the siren ship</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Runs up the sable flag—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It is the pirate "Harpy," and</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">She takes the "Author's" swag!</span> + </div> + <br> + <a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a> + <blockquote> A famous foreign +writer offered us £500 to print this Pearl<br> +Street, but we wouldn't do it for double the money.—[ED.] </blockquote> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <br> + <br> + <b>WEAPONS THAT TAMMANY HALL CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BY.</b>—SHARPE'S +Rifles.<br> + <br> + <br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <br> + <br> + <b>HIRAM GREEN AT THE BROOKLYN NAVY-YARD.</b><br> + <br> +Bread and Butter vs. Old Cheese.<br> + <br> +I hadent got but a little ways into the Navy-Yard, when a soljer steps +up before me, and pintin his bagonet at my throack, said:<br> + <br> +"Pass."<br> + <br> +I stepped tother side of him to obey his orders, when he agin pinted +his gun at me and said:<br> + <br> +"Pass."<br> + <br> +Thinkin I was on the rong side of him, I undertook to pass into the +middle of the road, when he vociferated in louder tones:<br> + <br> +"Pass!"<br> + <br> +"Well," says I, by this time considerably riled at sich skanderlous +treatment at the <i>hands</i> of this goverment, "if you'l stop rammin +your bagonet into my hash digester and let me <i>pass</i>, ile be hily +tickled."<br> + <br> +I was madder than if I had been a candidate for offis, and dident get +elected.<br> + <br> +"See here, Mister hard-tack Cowpenner," said I, addressin him, "how +dare you stop <i>me</i> in this ere outragous manner? You say 'pass,' +and when I try to pass, you jab at my innards with that mustick in a +rather oncomfortable manner. What do you mean?"<br> + <br> +"I mean, sir," said he, sholderin his shootin iron, "that if you want +to go further, you must get a pass from the offis across the way."<br> + <br> +"Oho! that's a gooseberry pie of a different flavor," said I, coolin +off; "why dident you say so before?" and I pinted for the offis to get +the pass.<br> + <br> +After bein put through a course of red tape, such as feelin of my +pultz, lookin down my throte, and soundin me on my Spread Eagleism, I +got the pass.<br> + <br> +While on my tower of observashuns, a mechanikle lookin individual +approched me, and says:<br> + <br> +"Good mornin, Congressman WEBSTER."<br> + <br> +I turned in cirprise, as several other men dropped their tools and +rushed out and surrounded me.<br> + <br> +"God bless you, Mister WEBSTER!" said one.<br> + <br> +"Make way for the noble and good WEBSTER," said another.<br> + <br> +"Let me kiss the hand of the great statesman," says a third, fallin to +and gettin my thumb in his mouth.<br> + <br> +"Mister WEBSTER, take care of me, I am yours to command," says a 4th, +who jumped wildly for an old tobacker cud I had just throde away.<br> + <br> +On all sides, men was fallin down to worship me, just as if I was the +Golden Calf, spoken of in scripters, or else some great poletikle +Mogul, with a pocket full of blank commissions, ready to be filled out +for good fat offises.<br> + <br> +All of a sudden, it popped into my mind that these 8 hour sons of toil +hadent heard that DANIEL WEBSTER was dead, or else dident see the joak, +when DAN said: "I aint dead," and supposed from my likeness to him that +I was D. WEBSTER.<br> + <br> +I couldent blame 'em for makin such a mistake, when I reccolected the +time I was introjuced to the great man. It was when I was Gustise of +the Peace.<br> + <br> +As our hands clasped each other, we was both revitted to the spot, and +the rivets was clinched tite.<br> + <br> +"What! it can't be possible!" said Mr. WEBSTER, the first to break the +silence. "Well if you haint another WEBSTER, you'l pass for D. +WEBSTER'S bust, any day."<br> + <br> +"And," said I, wishin to return the compliment, "if you haint <i>Green</i>, +you can pass any time for GREEN on a bust."<br> + <br> +This was one of my witcisms, and it made DANIEL blurt with lafter.<br> + <br> +But, Mister PUNCHINELLO, me and WEBSTER looked so much alike, that if +his tailor had sent him a soot of clothes at that time, I believe, in +the confusion, that just as like as not, I should have thought I was +WEBSTER, and wore off the clothes.<br> + <br> +But, to "retrace my tale," as the canine said, when a flee was suckin +the heart's blood from his cordil appendige—<br> + <br> +"Well, my friends," said I, humerin these men in their mistake, "what +can I do for you down to Washington?"<br> + <br> +"Do for us? thou great and mitey!" said they all to once, "keep us into +offis—we 'go' <i>you</i>, Nov. 8th."<br> + <br> +"Well," said I, "my good men, my word is law down to Washington. +Everybody respects the great DANIL WEBSTER."<br> + <br> +"Eh!—who—what," exclaimed several.<br> + <br> +"I say that I, DANIL WEBSTER, is great guns with the goverment," was my +reply.<br> + <br> +"DANIEL WEBSTER be d—d," said the ring-leader. "No, Sir! ED WEBSTER, +the nominee for Congress, and Wet Nurse <i>pro tem.</i> over Unkle +Sam's family in this 'ere <i>nursery</i>, is the man we're after. +Haint you that man?"<br> + <br> +"You don't mean the chap who was U.S. Assessor, agin whom I heard them +Wall street brokers and scalpers cussin and swearin like a lot of Rocky +Mountin savages chock full of fluid pirotecknicks, because he made them +pay a goverment tax?"<br> + <br> +"The same! the same!" they all hollered.<br> + <br> +"Well! sweet wooers of the bread and butter brigade," said I, "speakin +after the manner of men, you've got ontop the rong hencoop this time. +As Shakspeer, who is now dead and gone, says:—<br> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'A +rose by any other name</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is sweeter-er than I,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I've diskivered I haint the <i>game</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You want to see roost high.'"</span> + </div> + <p>They left me, yes, they left me. I wasent the man, but some +awdacious retch had sot 'em on tellin 'em I was <i>the</i> man.</p> + <p>Surgeon GOODBLOOD, of the man o' war <i>Vermont</i>, then +took me under his charge. I found him one of them <i>noble</i> +docters, under whose perscriptions a man could enjoy 'kickin the +bucket.'</p> + <p>He took me to see the soljers drill.</p> + <p>"Thems the Marines," said he, pintin to the bloo cotes.</p> + <p>"Sho! you don't say?" says I. "Are them those obligin +gentlemen who are allways ready to listen to what is told 'em?"</p> + <p>"Yes," says the Dr.; "anything nobody else believes, we tell +to the Marines."</p> + <p>I mite okepy your hul paper tellin all about the war vessels, +pattent torpedoes, monitors, and sich, which I saw, but will close with +the remark:</p> + <p>That old rats never pile livlier onto roasted cheese, than a +bread and butter patriot does onto candidates who has the <i>cuttin</i> +of a good <i>fat loaf</i>. That's wisdom which will wash.</p> + <p>Ewers,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SIMILE USED UP.</b></p> + <p>We regret to state, that in consequence of a late discovery by +one BÉCHAMP, of living things in chalk (he has actually seen 'em +wriggle!) we are no longer at liberty to say, "As different as Chalk +and Cheese." The difference is gone! If it is not, we would ask, where +is it?</p> + <p>It is true, chalk is not in so general use, as an article of +diet, as cheese, except in boarding-schools; but the difference is +plainly one of degree rather than of kind. We have heard of "prepared +chalk." It has been whispered that gentle spinsters use it for a +beautifyer. We rather incline to the belief that it is prepared for the +inside rather than the outside of humanity.</p> + <p>At any rate, the two articles now agree in their most +prominent characteristics—which they did not, till M. BÉCHAMP +looked into the matter with his microscope.</p> + <p>'Tis thus, alas! our cherished similes are going. One by one +are they Bé-champ-ed (or chawed up) by the voracious creatures +who hunger and thirst after novelty. Why, we expect to be told, ere +long,—and have it proved to us,—that the Moon after all is actually and +truly made of Green Cheese. And there will go another fond comparison! +Nay, more;—perhaps Cheese itself is but Chalk, in its incipient stages +of development,—with the tenantry already secured, however, that make +it so lively inside.—<i>Si sic Omnes</i>.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>To Our Youthful Friends.</b></p> + <p>We wish to do all in our power to keep the world cheerful. If +there is a youth of our acquaintance who despairs of ever raising a +fine moustache, we would remind him of that comforting apothegm of the +Spanish: "Un cabello haze sombra"—"The least hair makes a shadow." +Courage, lad! and do not cast that shadow from thy lip. If there is a +single hair already there, it is a manly and noble thing!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"Done Brown."</b></p> + <p>"TOM BROWN" is not looked upon as a sheepish person, and yet, +the English of his name is ewes ('ughes).</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/110.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>REAL HARDSHIP.</b></p> + <p>"HERE'S A GO!—STRASBOURG IN RUINS—TRADE DESTROYED—O DEAR! +DEAR!<br> +WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR OUR PATTY DEE FOY GRASS NOW!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO X.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There +was a man in our town, and he was wondrous wise,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jumped into a bramble bush and +scratched out both his eyes;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And when he saw what he had done, +with all his might and main,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He jumped into another bush, and +scratched them in again.</span> </div> + <p>Some people have a very curious way of doing things. Nowadays +when the world has advanced by prodigious strides almost to the limit +of civilization, and having no further to go, is debating within itself +whether it shall lie down and take a rest, a man don't go to so much +trouble to have his eyes out. The age is a fast one, you know; so, when +the man feels like having his glims doused, he just jumps into the +midst of a crowd of real b'hoys, runs his head, good-naturedly, you +know, against a pair of knuckles, and the business is settled with +"neatness and despatch," as the job-printers say.</p> + <p>How different our poet's description. He must have been a man +of wonderful experience; and foresight, let us add, since from his +simple yet wonderfully powerful sketches there is gained an insight +into all the mysterious workings of humanity, from the lulling of the +babe in the cradle, the ruthless disruption of the apron-string that he +is led with, because some naughty little boys laughed at him, to the +tolling of the bell by the old sexton over another dead.</p> + <p>Well, there is no use in moralizing. The tale is before us, +graphically drawn; and to the reader is left naught but the pleasure of +contemplating its beauties. In his pithy way the poet describes a man +who, though possessed of some good qualities, evidently did not know +how to use them. Though the poet has never yet touched upon politics, +yet the careful reader will find that the hero of the sketch must have +been a young Democrat, since he is made to appear very nimble, and has +a fondness, partial to himself, of getting into rather thorny places. +What led him into those dangerous places we have very little chance of +knowing. "He was wondrous wise," saith the poet, and forsooth he jumps +into a bramble-bush, the last place in the world where a <i>wise</i> +man is to be found. But then, perhaps, a tincture of irony flew from +our poet's pen; the hero was wise in his own esteem, perhaps; or was +wise in the opinion of his friends, whose wisdom seemed to be +consummated in doing something ridiculous.</p> + <p>It is very fortunate for the social welfare of community that +all its actions should not be sublime. Mankind would become too serious +and morose and cynical, and life would be a burden. The ridiculous +makes it enjoyable, but at the expense of those who cause the ridicule. +Man <i>must</i> laugh, no matter what the cost to the object laughed +at.</p> + <p>Ordinary intelligence would have decided the fate of the wise +individual who found no other use for his eyes but to scratch them out +in a bramble-bush. But our poet dealeth otherwise with his portraits. +He shows us the fate of an overwrought, badly instilled wisdom; yet +when that wisdom has been deserted by its cause, the promptings of a +heart, pure at the core, hold up to contempt the mad teachings of the +sophist.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"When +he saw what he had done,"</span> </div> + <p>continues the poet, in a sense not entirely literal, for +reasons which are not necessary to be explained, this man of wondrous +wisdom saw that he had been made a dupe. Cunning as a fox were his +would-be friends; but having got him to the bush, there they let him +gambol as he would, ensnaring him to his own almost utter ruin.</p> + <p>A new light flashes upon his brain; his folly appears plainly +to his mind; he had ruthlessly deserted his fond parents; sought evil +counsel; was deserted by his false friends; and was now in a deplorable +condition indeed. Remorse sometimes brings repentance; at least it did +in this case. Our hero remembered the good teachings of his early +youth; and, like the prodigal son, was willing to return to the home of +his fathers. True, he was in a bramble-bush; but, <i>similia similibus +curantur</i> (which, interpreted, signifies, "You tickle me and I'll +tickle you").</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"He +jumped into another bush,"</span> </div> + <p>found his eyes as they were before his sad catastrophe, and +without ceremony returned them to their places, by another operation of +scratching.</p> + <p>What more need be said! No circumlocution of words will add to +the ending of a tale, but perhaps serve only to conceal the point. The +author is careful of his reputation. He restores the hero to his +original position, in full possession of his senses.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There +let him be;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But O Be good, say we.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AGOSTINO THE GUNSMITH.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of +gun-tricks, old or new, the best that we know</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was that performed by JOSEPH +AGOSTINO,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The gunsmith who, by burglars +often vext,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A week or two since plotted for +the next</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">By planting cunningly a +wide-bored fusil,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With buck-shot loaded half-way to +the muzzle,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Right opposite the window to +which came</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The nightly thief, to ply his +little game;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And to the trigger hitching so a +string,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That when the burglar bold was +entering</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The charge went off, and, +crashing through the shutter,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Relieved the rascal of his bread +and butter</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">By blowing off his head.</span><br> + <br> + + <span style="margin-left: 7.25em;">O! AGOSTINO,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Far better than the helmet of +MAMBRINO,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or steel-wrought hauberk, +fashioned for defence,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was this thy dodge; 'twas +dexterous, immense!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your health, GIUSEPPE; and for +PUNCHINELLO</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Construct to order—there's a +jolly fellow—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A <i>mitrailleuse</i>, both long +enough and large</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To kill the burglars, all, at one +discharge.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SORTES SHAKSPEARIANAE.</b></p> + <p><b>A Picture of the John Real Democracy:—</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"What +are these,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So withered and so wild in their +attire;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That look not like the +inhabitants o' the earth,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And yet are on't?"</span><br> + <div style="margin-left: 120px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Macbeth, +Act 1, Sc. 3.</i></span> </div> + </div> + <p><b>A Portrait of Woodford as a General:—</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"That +never set a squadron in the field,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nor the division of a battle +knows."</span><br> + <div style="margin-left: 120px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Othello, +Act 1, Sc. 1.</i></span> </div> + </div> + <p><b>Punchinello to Gov. Seymour:—</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"HORATIO, +thou art e'en as just a man</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">As e'er my conversation coped +withal."</span><br> + <div style="margin-left: 120px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Hamlet, +Act 3, Sc. 2.</i></span> </div> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/111.jpg" alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE"></center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Nux Vomica.</i> Can you give me a description of the +sellebrated needall gun?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Your spelling is so eccentric that we guess you to +be connected with the <i>Tribune</i>. As for the "needall" gun, we +should define it as a gun without lock, stock, barrel, flint, +percussion-cap, powder, ball, or anything else.</p> + <p><i>O.D.V.</i> Yes: a man may die of <i>delirium tremens</i> +produced by drinking too much French wine. If the wine should happen to +be Château Margot, the verdict of a Coroner's Jury would probably +be—"died of a margot on the brain."</p> + <p><i>Fumigator.</i> What is the proper spelling of the smoking +mixture known as "Killikinnick"?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Some authorities derive it from a story about an +old Canadian having smoked himself to death with it, and spell it "Kill +a Kannuck." Others spell it "Kill a Cynic," and believe that DIOGENES, +the founder of the Cynical School of philosophy, died of a surfeit of +the article.</p> + <p><i>Otis Bunker.</i> Was there not, in old times, a tax on +fires in England, and did it not lead to an insurrection?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> No tax on fires that we ever heard of. You are +thinking, probably, of the Curfew Tolls mentioned by GRAY.</p> + <p><i>Simon Succotash.</i> The expression to "wind a horn" is +frequently used. Do people wind one as they would a watch; and, if so, +what sort of key do they use?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Try the key of A Flat: <i>you</i> are sure to +have it.</p> + <p><i>Pump-Handle.</i> Is it possible for a person to sleep +during an earthquake?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep +soundly upon any kind of shake-down.</p> + <p><i>Philander.</i> What is the best way of testing a horse's +temper?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to +take a fence, just dash him at one and try.</p> + <p><i>Gorman Dyzer.</i> We think it quite proper, as you suppose, +to eat sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer +your other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with +sausages on Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant.</p> + <p><i>Caspar Van Keek.</i> Why is the height of a horse given in +hands instead of feet?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Because it is considered handier, of course.</p> + <p><i>John of Boston.</i> I have been blackballed at a club. What +am I to do?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Let things alone. Clubs are not always Trumps.</p> + <p><i>Margaret Shortcake.</i>—I have a great dread of being +buried alive. Will holding a looking-glass to the face of a person +supposed to be dead determine whether breathing has ceased or not?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> The test is used by physicians. There is an +instance on record of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young +girl who had been unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at +herself in it, which proved that she was wide awake.</p> + <p><i>Widow McRue.</i>—How soon after my husband's death would it +be proper for me to give up my weeds?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> If your husband allowed you to smoke during his +life-time, we do not see why you should give up the practice after his +death. Although we do not approve of women smoking, yet a fragrant weed +between pearly teeth, with an azure cloud curling heavenward from it, +has a certain fascination, and so our advice is, "Dry up (your tears), +and light a fresh Havana."</p> + <p><i>Speculator.</i>—What is the best way to double a $20 bill?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> With a paper-folder.</p> + <p><i>Frost-on-the-Pane.</i>—From languid circulation, or some +other cause, I frequently go to bed with cold feet. How can I remedy +this?<br> + <i>Answer.</i> Don't go to bed. Sleep in a chair.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POLITICS AS A FINE ART.</b></p> + <p>First Class in Politics, stand up.</p> + <p>First boy—Define politics as an art.</p> + <p>Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and +wearing good clothes at the public expense.</p> + <p>Next—Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included +in this art?</p> + <p>No sir, that's a natural gift.</p> + <p>Who invented politics?</p> + <p>It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known +to the early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art +by T. WEED.</p> + <p>What are the elements of success in politics?</p> + <p>Cheek and stamps.</p> + <p>At what place is this art most cultivated?</p> + <p>At Washington.</p> + <p>How many classes of politicians are there?</p> + <p>Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.</p> + <p>Define them.</p> + <p>Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean +business. Little strikes are those who look after the pence, while the +big strikes are looking after the pounds. Both these classes have +steady occupation. Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only +at election time.</p> + <p>Where are they found?</p> + <p>In both the Republican and Democratic schools.</p> + <p>JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House +of Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains +in session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a +Democrat, whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?</p> + <p>THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly +at Albany, only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose +seat is contested as Republican.</p> + <p>Next boy—Who are the most successful artists among politicians?</p> + <p>Carpet-baggers.</p> + <p>What is the art now called in the South?</p> + <p>Black art.</p> + <p>Why?</p> + <p>Because the leading artists there are of an off color.</p> + <p>JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example?</p> + <p>Yes, sir.</p> + <p>When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 +P.M. on the 4th of July?</p> + <p>At 5 minutes after 8 on that day.</p> + <p>THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican +be admitted?</p> + <p>At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July.</p> + <p>Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a +fine art. The class is dismissed.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BOSTON FIRST.</b></p> + <p>Even in the matter of earthquakes the proverbial superiority +of Boston to all other places, as a centre, has just been proved. A +writer in the <i>Evening Post</i>, discussing the comparative +phenomena of the late earthquake at various points, says:—</p> + <p>"Allowing seven and a half minutes for difference of local +time, the shock was two minutes earlier at Boston than at New Haven. +This implies that Boston was nearer to the centre of disturbance than +New Haven."</p> + <p>Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead +not of New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young +cataclasm referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it +radiated, and therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of +earthquakes as everything else. Property has already gone up to a +tremendous figure at Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of +the place; but the greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" +is the admission of the earthquake as a "Boston notion."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>From the Seat of War.</b></p> + <p>What were the Francs-Tireurs before they were organized?<br> +They wear leather gaiters.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Republicans.</b></p> + <p>It would be dangerous to elect the two leading Republican +candidates. They must have monarchical ideas, inasmuch as they both +come from Kings.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center><img src="images/112.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>DEVOTION TO SCIENCE.</b></p> + <p><i>Mamma.</i> "AH YOU CRUEL, CRUEL BOY, HOW COULD YOU FRIGHTEN +YOUR DEAR LITTLE SISTER SO?"</p> + <p><i>The Incorrigible.</i> "I—I ONLY WANTED TO SEE IF HER HAIR +WOULD TURN WHITE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>An Advertising Parson.</b></p> + <p>There is nothing like judicious advertising—at least, we have +been told this often enough to believe it. So thinks a Pennsylvania +parson, who advertises himself in a newspaper as follows:—</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">"Cupid and Hymen. The little brown +cottage at Cambridge, Pa., +is the place to call to<br> +have the marriage-knot promptly and strongly +tied. Inquire for Rev. S. J. Whitcomb."</p> + <p>—While he was about it, why didn't the Rev. WHITCOMB advertise +the other jobs for which orders might be left at the same shop? Why +didn't he say: "Funerals attended with neatness and despatch?" or, +"Gentlemen about to leave the world, will be waited upon at their own +bed-sides without additional charge?" or, "Cases of conscience +adjudicated upon the most reasonable terms?" or, "A fine assortment of +moral advice just received, and for sale in lots to suit purchasers?" +Let the Rev. WHITCOMB take our hint, enlarge the field of his +advertising, and make lots of the Mammon of Unrighteousness.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Fulton versus Tilton.</b></p> + <p>FULTON taps TILTON for wine, TILTON taps FULTON for beer; +FULTON gets a <i>tilt,</i> because TILTON finds him full. In case of a +trial, the verdict would probably be, that a full FULTON ran <i>full +tilt</i> against a full TILTON.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">"AURI SACRA FAMES."</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I +saw a parson at his desk,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Silk-gowned and linen-ruffled;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The organ ceased—he rose to +preach,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And smirked, and mouthed, and +snuffled;</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He talked of gold, and called it +dross,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And prophesied confusion</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To all who loved it—told them that</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Their trust was all delusion.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Twas filthy lucre, dust and dirt,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The root of every evil;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And its pursuit,—too strongly +urged,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Would lead straight to the +Devil.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Midst other wicked (Scripture) +rogues,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He talked of ANANIAS,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He and his wife SAPPHIRA were</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The wickedest of liars.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He showed us clearly, from their +fate,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The sin of overreaching,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And making small the salaries</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of those who do the preaching.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And when his half-hour's work was +done,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The miserable sinners</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rolled home in easy carriages</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To Aldermanic dinners;</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as I plodded home on foot,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I thought it was all gammon,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To build a temple to the LORD</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of curses against Mammon.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The sin of gold is its abuse,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And not its mere possession,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Wine may turn vinegar, and gold</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">May turn men to transgression.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Then tell the truth, O men of GOD!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nor scorn the loaves and fishes,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lest we should take you at your +word,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And leave you empty dishes!</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"><br> + <p><b>CHEERFUL PHILOSOPHY.</b></p> + <p>We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually +received, for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of +Mourners,—whose conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to +criticism.</p> + <p>It is all well enough—"due to decency," in fact—to wear +"mourning," and now and then look grave; but "this idea of closing your +house," observed our philosopher, "and silencing your piano, and +abstaining from your customary amusements and habits <i>for months</i> +[only think of it!], because some one has departed from misery to +happiness, is not alone supremely ridiculous [though <i>that</i> is +bad enough], but it is sublimely preposterous and [what is yet more] +disgraceful to the last degree of shame."</p> + <p>Precisely; just what we have always said, whether we believed +it or not. It is what any feeling man <i>would</i> say.</p> + <p>The fact is, people sacrifice too much to their friends. +Especially after the friends are dead. "The cream of the joke is," as +our lively essayist remarks, "that the dead do not dream of your +sufferings on their account."</p> + <p>And suppose they did: what <i>is</i> a friend, any way? Why, +something you would do well to rid yourself of as soon as possible. +There is scarcely anything mean, sordid, contemptible, and disgusting, +that an average friend won't do without winking.</p> + <p>It would certainly contribute greatly to the cheerfulness of +one about to leave this "mortial wale," to feel morally certain that +nobody cared a rap about him, or was going to make any fuss just for a +trifle like that.</p> + <p>We must say, however, we would prefer to see our mourning +friends go the whole figure, and not visit the opera in weeds. Be +jolly, but also <i>look</i> jolly.</p> + <p>The trouble seems to be, that people <i>will</i> be +sentimental; they must do a certain amount of tribulation, "whether or +no." We would not even counsel the wearing of black diamonds. We would +refrain from jet, bog, and ebony. We would not try to grin through a +disguise of skull and bones. Be gay (and by all means <i>look</i> gay) +in spite of your departed grandmother.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>No Great Shakes.</b></p> + <p>It's a pity that the earthquake came too late for the census, +as it cannot now be included among our native productions.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> <big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. STEWART & CO.<br> + <br> + </span></big> OFFER<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A SUPERB COLLECTION</span><br> + <br> +OF<br> + <br> + <big><big><big><b>New Fall Silks,</b></big></big></big><br> + <small>SELECTED WITH THE UTMOST CARE,</small><br> +WHICH,<br> +FOR IMPORTANCE AND VALUE,<br> +ARE<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">UNEQUALLED IN THE CITY.</span><br> + <br> +CUSTOMERS AND STRANGERS<br> +ARE RESPECTFULLY INVITED TO EXAMINE.<br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BLACK GROUND, WHITE STRIPED +SILKS,</span><br> +FOR YOUNG LADIES' SUITS,<br> +$1 per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY COLORED GROS-GRAIN STRIPES,</span><br> +$1.05 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A FINE ASSORTMENT<br> +OF<br> + <big><big><b>Dark Chene Silks,</b></big></big><br> +SMALL PATTERN,<br> +At $1 per Yard, worth $1.50.<br> + <br> +AN ELEGANT VARIETY<br> +OF<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">CANNELE STRIPED SILKS,</span></big><br> +In all the New Colorings,<br> +At $1.50 and $1.75.<br> + <br> +20 CASES PLAIN DRESS SILKS,<br> +The largest assortment to be<br> +found in this Market,<br> +from $2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +3 CASES COLORED DRESS <big><big>SATINS,</big></big><br> +Very Rich Quality and High Colorings.<br> + <br> +BLACK GRAINED POMPADOUR BROCADED<br> + <big><big><big><b>SILKS,</b></big></big></big><br> +From $2.50 per Yard.<br> + <br> + <big>500 PIECES BLACK DRESS SILKS,</big><br> +In every Variety of Manufacture.<br> + <br> +ALSO,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE "BONNET," "PONSON," AND</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. STEWART "FAMILY"</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">AND IMPERIAL SILKS,</span><br> +From $2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT<br> +OF<br> +NEW COLORINGS<br> +IN<br> +TRIMMING SILKS<br> +AND<br> +SATINS,<br> +CUT ON THE BIAS,<br> +From $1 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A SPECIAL DEPARTMENT FOR<br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">POPLINS</span></big></big><br> +HAS BEEN ORGANIZED.<br> + <br> +Lyons Poplins, $1 per Yard.<br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><br> +REAL IRISH POPLINS,</big><br> +OF THE BEST MAKE. $2 PER YARD.<br> + <br> +With several Cases of the<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN POPLINS,</span></big><br> +IN LEADING COLORS,<br> +To Close at $1.25 per Yard, formerly<br> +$2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +ALSO,<br> + <br> +THE CELEBRATED<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">"AMERICAN" BLACK SILKS,</span><br> +GUARANTEED TO<br> +Wash and Wear Well,<br> +AT $2 PER YARD.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Broadway, Fourth Avenue,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Sts.</span><br> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <b>CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</b><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>"The Awakening,"</b></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Wild Roses.</b></big></big> 12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center><img src="images/114.jpg" alt=""> <b>RATHER MIXED.</b><br> + <br> + <i>British Swell.</i> "YOU MUST THINK US YOUNG ENGLISHMEN<br> +WAWTHER +WAPID FELLOWS."<br> + <br> + <i>American Friend.</i> "WELL—YES—RATHER VAPID."<br> + <br> + <i>B. S.</i> "I DIDN'T SAY WAPID—I SAID WAPID:<br> +WAWTHER FAST, YOU +KNOW." </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><br> + <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<br> + </small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><b>IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST +COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</b></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <b>For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, +NASHVILLE, MOBILE,<br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b><br> + <small>VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,<br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.</small></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> + <small>Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</span><br> +83 Nassau Street, New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." "Beethoven," large and +small.<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b> </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" style="width: 50%;"> THE NEW YORK<br> + <big><big><big><b>DAILY DEMOCRAT,</b></big></big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">JAMES H. LAMBERT,</span><br> + <small>EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR.</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Publication Office, 166 NASSAU +STREET.</span><br> + <p><small>Democratic in politics, spicy and sharp, and contains +all the news of the day fifteen hours in advance of the Morning Papers, +and at half-price.</small></p> + <p><small>THE DEMOCRAT is a first-class advertising medium, with +low rates. Special rates for long-time advertisements given upon +application to C. P. SYKES, Publisher.</small></p> +Buy the Evening Democrat,<br> +PRICE TWO CENTS.<br> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.<br> + <b>OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</b><br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <b>ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL</b><br> + <small><b>WEEKLY PAPER,</b></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <b>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</b><br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small>Suitable for the paper, +and Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for +illustrations, upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and +will be paid for liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned,<br> +unless postage stamps are inclosed.</small> </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">TERMS:</span><br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free<br> +upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</b><br> + <b>No 83 Nassau Street,</b><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <b>P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</b> </div> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10105 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |