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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:54 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:54 -0700 |
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diff --git a/10105-0.txt b/10105-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e40d06a --- /dev/null +++ b/10105-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2295 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10105 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _THE HANDSOMEST AND THE BEST._ | + | | + | Every Saturday, | + | | + | THE GREAT ILLUSTRATED PAPER OF | + | AMERICA. | + | | + | _Illustrated with Drawings from the Best | + | Artists in America and Europe._ | + | | + | Able Editorials, Excellent Stories, Attractive | + | Miscellaneous Reading. | + | | + | BEAUTIFULLY PRINTED ON TINTED PAPER. | + | For sale everywhere. | + | | + | FIELDS, OSGOOD & CO., Publishers, Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 33. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +FOR SALE.--22 VOLS., 52 NOS. EACH, OF London Punch, COMPLETE +FROM 1841 (1st YEAR) TO 1862, INCLUSIVE. PRICE Fifty Dollars. +ADDRESS P.F.G., P.O. BOX 2783, NEW YORK CITY. + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO-- | + | the only first-class, original, illustrated, | + | humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with | + | No. 26, September 24, 1870. | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | is now ready for delivery, | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United | + | States on receipt of price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from | + | October 1st, No. 27, and the Bound | + | Volume (the latter prepaid), will be sent | + | to any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three | + | Bound Volumes, with an extra copy of | + | Bound Volume, to any person sending | + | us three subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, | + | with a fine chromo premium, | + | for.....$4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, | + | as the paper is electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Salable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | Post-Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper | + | everywhere. Send for our Special Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N.Y. | + | P.O. BOX No. 2783 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOR COUNTY CLERK, | + | | + | CHARLES E. LOEW. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | JOHN NICKINSON, | + | | + | ROOM NO. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for October, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | is now ready. 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FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. BOX 2845.] | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The only Journal of its kind in America!! | + | | + | The American Chemist: | + | | + | A MONTHLY JOURNAL | + | | + | DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | + | | + | EDITED BY | + | Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W. H. Chandler. | + | | + | The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | + | American reprint of THE CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | + | advance the interests of American Chemical Science by the | + | publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | + | communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, | + | and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country The | + | columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the reception | + | of original article from any part of the country, subject to | + | approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any point of | + | interest within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt | + | attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE. TO COLLEGES APOTHECARIES, | + | DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS. DYERS. PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; | + | 50 cts. per number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors, | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: FASHIONABLE RELIGION. + +_Father._ "WELL, MY DEAR, DID YOU HAVE AN AMUSING SERMON THIS MORNING?" + +_Daughter._ "O NO!--VERY STUPID. DR. CHIPPER ISN'T THE LEAST FUNNY +NOWADAYS--PREACHES THE REGULAR OLD MISERABLE SINNER SORT OF BUSINESS."] + + * * * * * + +GREAT MEN OF AMERICA. + +By MOSE SKINNER + +DANIEL WEBSTER + +Was the sort of a man you don't find laying round loose nowadays to any +great extent. It's a pity his brains wasn't preserved in a glass case, +where the imbecile lunatics at Washington could take a whiff +occasionally. It would do 'em good. + +We are told that as a boy DANIEL was stupid, but this has been said of +so many great men that it's getting stale. Some talented men were +undoubtedly stupid boys, but it doesn't follow that every idiotic youth +will make an eminent statesman. But there are plenty of vacancies in the +statesman business. A great many men go into it, but they fail for want +of capital. If they would only stick to their legitimate business of +clam-digging, or something of that sort, we should appreciate them, and +their obituary notice would be a thing to love, because 'twould be short. + +But D. WEBSTER wasn't one of this sort. He didn't force Nature. He +forgot enough every day to set five modern politicians up for life. When +he opened his mouth to speak, it didn't act upon the audience like +chloroform, nor did the senate-chamber look five minutes after like a +receiving tomb, with the bodies laying round promiscuously. I should say +not. He could wade right into the middle of a dictionary and drag out +some ideas that were wholesome. Yes, when DANIEL in that senatorial den +_did_ get his back up, the political lions just stood back and growled. + +Take him altogether he was our biggest gun, and it's a pity he went off +as he did, for he was the Great Expounder of the Constitution. + +HON. JOHN MORRISSEY + +Is also a Great Ex-pounder. Even greater than WEBSTER, for the +constitution of the United States is a trifling affair, compared with +the constitution of J.C. HEENAN. + +Mr. MORRISSEY is a very able man and made his mark early in life. Before +he could write his name, I'm told. No man has made more brilliant hits, +and his speeches are concise and full of originality. "I'll take mine +straight." "No sugar for me," &c., have become as household words. + +A man like this, though he may be vilified and slandered for awhile, +will eventually come in on the home stretch with a right bower to spare. + +That's a nice place JOHN has got at Saratoga. Fitted up so elegantly, +and with so much money in it, it looks like a Fairy bank with the +fairies gambolling upon the green. It's all very pretty, no doubt, but +excuse me if I pass. + +GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN. + +This gentleman is yet destined to send a thrill of joy to our hearts, +and flood our souls with a calm and tranquil joy. This will come off +when his funeral takes place. He wasn't born like other people. He was +made to order for the position of common scold in a country +sewing-circle. + +But he wasn't satisfied. He wanted to be an Eminent Lunatic and found +private mad-houses. And so he began to lecture. He used to rehearse in a +graveyard, and it was a common thing for a newly-buried corpse to +organize a private resurrection and make for the woods, howling +dismally. + +A village out West was singularly unfortunate last summer. In the first +place the cholera raged, then they had an earthquake, and then G.F. +TRAIN lectured three nights. Owing to this accumulation of horrors the +village is no longer to be found on the maps. TRAIN'S second night did +the business for 'em. The once happy villagers are now aimless +wanderers, and one poor old man was found in the churchyard, studying a +war map of Paris and vicinity in a late New York paper. + +It is said that TRAIN has his eye on the White House, and is indeed a +shrewd, far-seeing man. When he visited Europe and kissed all the little +Irish girls, could he have had in his mind the time when they, as +naturalized American Female Suffragers, would cast their votes for G.F. +TRAIN as President? + +That the mind of the reader may not become hopelessly dazed by +contemplating this last paragraph, I will stop. + +MOTHER GOOSE. + +I cannot close these memoirs without a simple tribute to this remarkable +woman, who has probably done more to mould the destinies of this +Republic than any other man put together. She was an eminently pious +woman, devoted body and soul to Foreign Missions, and to the great work +of sending the gospel to New Jersey. + +But it was as a composer that her brilliant talents stand preeminent. +MOZART, BEETHOVEN, and a host of others excelled in this respect, but +they all lack that exquisite pathos and graceful rhetoric which so +distinguished this queen of literature. The beautiful creations of that +fruitful brain are as a passing panorama of constant delight. Her style +is singularly free from affectation, and, while we are at one moment +rapt in wonder at her chaste and vigorous description of the annoyances +of a female in the autumn of life, training up a large family in the +limited accommodations afforded by a common shoe, we cannot but feel a +twinge of compassion for the singular Mrs. HUBBARD and her lovely dog, +who "had none," only to have those tears chased away by the arch and +guileless portrayal of the eccentric JOHN HORNER. + +That we cannot to-day gaze upon the classic lineaments of her who welded +such a facile pen, is a source of the most poignant regret. It is a +crying shame, for I think I am correct when I say that there does not +exist on the civilized globe a statue of this peerless woman, but she +will always live as long as there are infant minds to form, or tender +recollections of childhood to remember. + +P.S.--I forgot to say that I hold a copyright of old GRANNY GOOSE'S +works. I have just got it renewed, and it is as vigorous as a +kicking-mule. Send in your orders. Contributions to the old gal's statue +will be duly acknowledged, and deposited with my tailor. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +JANAUSCHEK is a Bohemian, and with the Bohemian propensity for picking +up things, has picked up the English language. The public is somewhat +divided in its estimate of her skill in speaking English. One-half of +her average audience insists that she speaks better English than +nine-tenths of our native actresses: the other half asserts that she is +at times nearly unintelligible. Neither of these statements necessarily +contradicting the other, they might both be easily true. The fact is, +however, that she speaks English like a foreigner. Mud itself--or a Sun +editorial--could not be plainer than this definition of her exact +proficiency in our unmelodious tongue. + +If we go to see her play "Lady Macbeth," we meet evidences at every step +of her want of familiarity with English, or at all events with American +customs. We find her playing at the ACADEMY, and we at once remark that +no one but an unnecessarily foreign actress would dare to awaken the +sepulchral echoes of that dismal tomb. We find, too, that at the very +threshold of the house she defies the one of the most time-honored +institutions of our stage, by employing a pleasant and courteous +door-keeper--instead of the snarling Cerberus who lies in wait at the +doors of other theatres. We find again that she outrages the public by +the presence of decent and civil ushers, who neither insult the male +spectators by their surly impudence, nor annoy the lady visitor by +coloring her train with tobacco juice. So that before the curtain rises +we are prepared to lament over her unfamiliarity with American customs, +and to predict her ignorance of the American, as well as the English +language. + +Divers well-meaning persons repeat the dialogue of the earlier scenes of +the play. There is a good deal of dramatic force in the legs of Mr. +MONTGOMERY, who plays "Macbeth," much animation in the feathers which +Mr. STUDLEY'S "Macduff" wears in his hat, and a foreshadowing of ghostly +peculiarities in the solemn stride of Mr. DE VERE'S "Banquo." We listen +to these gentlemen with polite patience, waiting for the appearance of +"Lady Macbeth." When at length that strong-minded female strides across +the stage, we hail her with rapturous applause, and listen for the +strident voice with which the average "Lady Macbeth" reads her husband's +letter. + +We don't hear it, however, for JANAUSCHEK reads in a tone as low as that +which a sensible woman who was plotting treason and murder would be apt +to use. Why "Lady Macbeth" should proclaim her deadly purpose at the top +of her lungs is quite incomprehensible, except upon the theory that +stage traditions have confounded the Scotch with the Irish, and that the +"Macbeths" husband and wife--being the typical Fenians of the period, +were accustomed to roar their secrets to the listening world. + +Be that as it may, we are constrained to note the actress's +unfamiliarity with the language, as evinced in the tone in which she +reads the letter, and also in the way in which she urges her husband +onward in the path of crime. The usual "Lady Macbeth" "goes for" her +weakminded spouse, and drives him by threats and strong-language to +consent to her little game. JANAUSCHEK, on the contrary, does not raise +a broom-stick, or even her voice, at "Macbeth," but actually coaxes him +to be so good as to kill the king, so that she can bring all her +relations to court, and appoint them surveyors, and internal revenue +collectors, and foreign ministers. This is not the tone of other +actresses in the same part, and we therefore at once charge her +departure from the common standard to her ignorance of English. + +We listen with fortitude to the dismal singing of the witches and their +friends in mask and domino. The music, we are told, is "LOCKE'S music." +What is the proper key for LOCKE'S music, is a question which we have +never attempted to solve, but we heartily wish that the key were lost +forever, since by its aid the singers open vistas of musical dreariness +which are disheartening to the last degree. But we sustain our spirits +with the thought of the bloody murder that is coming. Talk as we ill, we +all enjoy our murders, whether we read of them in the _Sun_ and the +_Police Gazette_, or witness them upon the stage. + +When JANAUSCHEK comes upon "Macbeth" with his bloody hands, and explains +to him that it is now too late to repent, either of murder or matrimony, +she furnishes us with more instances of her unfamiliarity with the +language. Her night-dress is not at all the sort of thing which an +English-speaking woman would be willing to sleep in. We are confident +upon this point, and we have on our side the testimony of a married man +who has lived four years in Chicago, and has been annually married with +great regularity. If he doesn't know what the average female regards as +the proper thing in night-dresses, it would be difficult to find a man +who does. Then, too, her gross ignorance of English is shown in her back +hair, which is a foot longer than the average hair of previous "Lady +Macbeths," and is as thick and massive as a lion's mane. Wicked and +punnish persons go so far as to call it her mane attraction. They are +wrong, however. JANAUSCHEK does not draw by the force of capillary +attraction. By the bye, did any one ever notice the fact that while a +painter cannot be considered an artist unless he draws well, an actress +may be the greatest of artists and not be able to draw a hundred people? +But this is wandering. + +Owing to the imperfections of her English, JANAUSCHEK does not indulge +in drinking from the gilded pasteboard goblets which grace the banquet +scene. She also shows her lingual weakness in the sleep-walking scene. +For instance, when, after having reigned queen of Scotland for several +months, the happy thought of washing her hands strikes her, she commits +the absurdity of scrubbing them with her hair. On the other hand, she +pronounces the words "damned spot" with a, perfection of accent that +constrains us to believe that she must have taken at least a few lessons +in pronunciation from some of the leading members of WALLACK'S company. +Still, her way of walking blindly into the table, and falling over +casual chairs, ought to convince the most skeptical person that her +English accent is not yet what it should be. And in general, her walk +and conversation in this scene demonstrate that even the most carefully +simulated somnambulism may not resemble in all respects the most +approved Oxford pronunciation. + +But when we are freed from the depressing influences of the Academical +Crypt, we forget all but our admiration of JANAUSCHEK'S superb acting, +and the exceptional command which she has gained over a language so +vexatious in its villanous consonants as our own. And we express to +every available listener the earnest hope that SKEBACH and FECHTER will +profit by her success, and at once begin the study of English, with the +view of devoting their efforts hereafter to the American stage. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +POISONING THE PLUGS. + +A Rampant Virginia editor proposes to kill off the Yankees by putting +poison in chewing-tobacco, so that we shall meet mortality in +mastication, fate in fine-cut, and perdition in the soothing plug! In +short, Virginia not having got the best of it in political quiddities, +this pen-patriot is for trying the other kind. The short-sightedness of +this policy will be evident, when we remember how many Republicans +consider the weed to be the abomination of desolation. Virginia might +poison chewing-tobacco till the crack of doom, but what effect would +that have upon the eschewing (not chewing) GREELEY, who, even if he used +it, has bitten T(he) WEED so many times that he can consider himself +poison-proof. When, moreover, this LUCRETIA BORGIA in pantaloons +remembers that his scheme might prove more fatal to his friends than his +enemies, perhaps he will take rather a larger quid than usual, and grow +benevolent under its bland influences. + + * * * * * + +FIRM AS A ROCK. + +All the newspapers are full of descriptions of the earthquake of the +20th of October, and of the panic thereby occasioned. We are proud to +state, although massive buildings quivered and great cities were scared, +that Mr. PUNCHINELLO was not in the least shaken. At the moment of the +quake (11h. 26m. A.M.) he must have been seated upon his drum partaking +of a lunch of sandwiches and small beer. He did not perceive the +slightest reverberation, nor did the drum give the least vibratory sign. +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has prepared a most elaborate and scientific paper, +giving a full and elaborate and intensely scientific description of the +various phenomena which he did not perceive, and which he proposes to +read before any scientific associations which may invite him to do so. +Terms, $50 and expenses. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PREVAILING DISORDER. + +_Planet (responsively)_. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME, EH?--GOT THE FEVER +AND EARTHQUAKER--GOT 'EM BAD."] + + * * * * * + + +EDITOR'S DRAWER. + +OH YES! PUNCHINELLO has an Editor's Drawer, and a very nice one, too. +(As no allusion is here made to any of the artists of the paper, you +needn't be getting ready to laugh.) This Drawer--and no periodical in +the country possesses a better one--is chock full of the most splendid +anecdotes, and as it is impossible to keep them shut up any longer (for +some of them are getting very old and musty), a few of the bottom ones +will now be given to the public. + +A GENTLEMAN just returned from a tour in Western Asia sends to the +Drawer the following account of a little bit of pleasantry which took +place in the gala town of South Amboy:-- + +A young doctor, clever, rich, pure-minded, and just, but of somewhat +ambigufied principles, was strenuously married to a sweet young +creature, delicate as a daffodil, and altogether loveliacious. One +night, having been entreated by a select party of his most aged patients +to go with them on a horniferous bendation, he gradually dropped, by +dramific degrees, in a state of absolute tipsidity, and four clergymen, +who happened to be passing, carried him home on a shutter, and thus +ushered him in all his drunkosity, into the presence of his little +better-half, who was drawing in crayons in the back parlor. "My dear," +said she, looking up with an angelic smile, "why did you come home in +that odd manner, upon a shutter?" "Because, _mon ange_," said he, "you +see that these worthy gentlemen, all good men and true, _mon_ only +_ange_, brought me home upon a shutter because they were not able to get +any of the doors off of their hinges. (Hic.)" + +This is almost _too_ funny. + + +The descendant of the Hamnisticorious sojourner in the ark knows what is +good for him. For pungent proof, hear this: A young lady, a daughter of +the venerable and hospitable General G-----, of Upper Guilford, Conn., +was once catechizing a black camp-meeting, and when the exercises were +over, a colored brother approached her and said: + +"Look-a-yar now, 's MARY, jist gib dis nigger one obdem catekidgeble +books." + +"But what would you do with it, CUDJO, if I gave it to you?" + +"Oh, _dis chile 'ud take it_!" + +Ha! ha! ha! Our colored brother will have his wild hilarity. + + +Two septennialated youngsters of Boston. Mass, (so writes their gifted +mother), thus recently dialogued: + +"PERSEUS," said the younger, "why was the noble WASHINGTON buried at +Mount Vernon?" + +"Because he was dead," boldly answered his brother. + +Oh! the tender-aged! How their sub-corrected longings curb our much +maturer yearnings. + + +Here is an anecdote of a "four-year old," which we give in the exact +words of our correspondent, an aged and respected resident of Oswego +county, in this State: + +"Well, now, ye see, I couldn't do nothing at all with this 'ere +four-year old 'o mine, fur he was jist as wild an onruly as anything ye +ever see; and so I jist knocked him in the head, and kep the hide and +the taller, and got thirteen cents a pound for the beef, which wasn't so +bad, ye see." + +Strange, practical man! We could not do thus with all our little +tid-toddlers of but four bright summers. + + +A correspondent in San Francisco sends the Drawer these epitaphs, which +are entirely too good to be lost. + +The first is from the grave of a farmer, much notorified for his +"forehandidification," and who, it is needless to say, was buried on his +own farm:-- + + "Here lies JOHN SIMMS, who always did + Good farming understand; + E'en now he's gratified to think + He benefits his land." + +Here is one upon a gambler, who died of some sort of sickness, +superinduced by some description of disease:-- + + "His hand was so bad that he laid him down here; + But up he will certainly jump, + And quick follow suit for the rest of the game + When Gabriel plays his last trump." + +Here is one on a truly unfortunate member of the human race:-- + + "Here lies CORNELIUS COX, + who, on account of a series of unhappy occurrences, the principal + of which were a greatly increased rent and consumption of + the lungs, + Got himself into a tight box." + +The ladies must not be neglected. Sweet creatures! even on tombstones +we sing their praises. This is to the memory of a fashionable +and lovely siren of society:-- + + "She always moved with distinguished grace, + And never was known to make slips. + At last she sank down into this grave + With the neatest of Boston dips." + + +An old lady in Bangor, Maine, sends the following entertaining anecdote +of one of our most distinguished fellow-citizens:-- + +The late Senator R-----, who, by the way, was a very portly man, was in +the habit of riding over the fields to consult Judge B-----, his wife's +cousin, on points of extra-judicial import. One morning, just as he was +about to get down from his horse.--(NOTE BY ED.--The middle of this +anecdote is so long, so dull, and has so little connection with either +the head or the tail, that it is necessarily omitted.) + +"Well," said the Judge, "what would you do then?" + +"_I don't know_," said the Senator. "Do you?" + +If our public men were, at all times, as thoughtful as these two, the +country would be better for it. + + +NECESSARY NOTE.--Persons sending anecdotes to this Drawer (or those +reading them), need not expect to make anything by the operation. + + * * * * * + +PRUSSIAN PRACTICE AND PROFESSION. + +KING WILLIAM of Prussia thinks he has a mission to perform, and goes on +his present raid in France as a missionary. To an unprejudiced sceptic, +however, needle-guns, rifle-cannons, requisitions on the country, +devastations of crops, bombarding of cities, and the rest of the +accompaniments of his progress are, if possible, even worse in their +effects upon the unhappy people subjected to his missionary efforts than +the New England rum which accompanied the real missionaries in their +descent upon the now depopulated islands of the Pacific. Private people +with missions are nuisances, but public people with such ideas are +simply unbearable. + +In the case of kings, if we may trust the democratic movement which this +war in Europe is aiding so greatly, the only mission the people will +soon allow to kings is dis-mission. + + * * * * * + +Prussian Cruelty. + +"A PASS for THIERS," the telegrams state, has been promised by the King +of Prussia. There is a sound of mockery in this. Prussia's obstinacy in +pushing the war has made so many widows and orphans that all France is a +PASS for TEARS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FRIGHTFUL SHOCK SUSTAINED BY BEAU BIGSBY ON BEING +SUDDENLY BROUGHT FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF THOSE DISTORTING MIRRORS.] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +"Up in a balloon, boys!"--_Macbeth_. + +TOURS, FIFTH WEEK Of THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: To all men of lofty ambition I would recommend a +balloon excursion. The higher you get, the smaller and more +insignificant do earthly things appear. A balloon is the best pulpit +imaginable from which to preach a sermon upon the littleness of mundane +realities, first--because no one can hear you, and your congregation +cannot therefore be held responsible for indifference to your teaching; +and second--because at that height you are fully impressed with the +truth of what you say. + +Aspirations of whatever kind, all longings and emotions of the +"Excelsior" order, all appeals to "look aloft," come handier when you +can "do" them in an aerial car. + +You will pardon this philosophic digression in respect to the peculiar +feelings of a man who has just been "up in a balloon." Our air-ship had +been anchored in the _Champ de Mars_ two days, waiting for a fair wind. +An hour before we started, a Yorkshireman, who had evidently never seen +such a creation before, annoyed me with incessant questions as to what +it was. His large, wondering, stupid eyes never ceased gazing at the +monster as it tugged heavily at the stake which held it. "Na' wha' maun +_that_ be?" he exclaimed, starting back as it gave a very violent jerk. +I could stand it no longer, and thus broke forth:-- + +"See here, my good fellow, you've got plenty of cheek to be bothering me +with your confounded ridiculous questions; and so I'll answer you once +for all. What you see tied fast there is called a balloon, and it's only +a French method of drawing Englishmen's teeth." He left me--I trust not +in anger; but that was the last I saw of the Yorkshireman. + +We got off, (M. GODARD and I) about four o'clock P.M., and ascended +steadily till Paris, with its rim of fortifications, looked more like +the crater of a volcano than anything else. I brought out my opera-glass +as we moved in the direction of Versailles, and reconnoitred the +situation. In a field adjoining the palace I saw an object that looked +like a post driven into the ground, and capped with a large-sized +clam-shell. GODARD levelled his glass and examined it. His lip curled +proudly with scorn as he said:-- + +"That is the butcher himself, WILLIAM of Prussia. The clam-like +appearance you notice is due to the baldness of his head." + +I only said: "Can it be possible?" and we moved on. How my blood +throbbed as we cavorted through the blue depths of heaven! I was far +from feeling blue myself, and GODARD said that if anything I was green. +The bearings of the remark did not strike me at the time, as a +cannon-ball from the direction of Versailles whirled within twenty feet +of the balloon and lifted the right flank (a military expression) of my +moustache into your subscriber's eye, notwithstanding it was waxed with +LOUVET'S best, warranted to keep each hair _en règle_, even in the worst +gales. From that moment I renounced LOUVET. Following the cannon-shot +came a miscellaneous assortment of small projectiles, which had the +effect of creating some excitement among the atmospheric _animalculae_, +but failed to disturb the serenity of M. GODARD or myself. When about +ten miles from Blois I detected what I supposed was a large vein of +chalk-pits. It was very white, and apparently motionless. My companion +expressed his surprise at the difficulty I had in distinguishing objects +correctly, and seemed to lose patience. + +"_Bigarre_, you no know zat? It ees ze dirty Proosien linen vashed out, +and hoong zere to dry!" + +I told him in Arabic that he needn't get his back up; but he understood +me not, and continued playing with the cats which we were transporting +to Tours to protect the Commissary stores from the ravages of the rats +that the Prussians had despatched to eat up the provisions of the +garrison. Towards night I began to have a queer sensation in the +stomach. It wasn't like sea-sickness, nor like the feeling produced by +swinging. If a man just recovering from the effects of his first cigar +were offered a bowl of hot goose-grease for supper, I suppose he would +have felt as I felt. At the moment a queer twinge took me; I ejaculated: +"Oh! Lord!" + +"Vat ees de matter?" inquired GODARD. If the man had had any other +nationality, I might have talked sense to him; but he was a Frenchman, +so I said:-- + +"Do you love me?" + +"Do I loves you?" + +"Yes!" I roared frantically, "do you love me?" + +"_Begaire_ I dunno, but I zinks so." + +"Then," said I, dimly discerning a chance of relief from my suffering, +"throw me out as ballast." + +"Oh, _horrible! horrible! Mon Dieu!_ vat a man!" + +I turned my sickly gaze upon him and saw that he was deadly pale, and +that the perspiration stood out in great drops upon his forehead. The +explanation was plain enough--he took me for a maniac. I would have +protested and moved the previous question, but taking a small phial from +his pocket he broke off the head and threw the contents in my face. Ten +seconds later I was totally oblivious, and upon recovering found myself +in this place, where such strange things are going on that my fingers +prick to write them. + +DICK TINTO. + + + * * * * * + +AN EX-MONSTER. + +It is a bad day for monarchs. Boston has, for several weeks, had upon +Exhibition His Marine Majesty the Whale. The captive was shown for the +ridiculously small sum of two shillings, and great was the gathering to +gaze upon the spouter, who would have come just in time to attend the +political caucuses, only he happens to be dead, and cannot spout any +more, albeit his jaw is still tremendous. His defunct condition renders +it unnecessary to feed him upon JONAHS, which is lucky for a good many +superfluous voyagers upon the Ship of State. If the King of All the +Fishes can draw such crowds at a quarter a head, what a chance is there +for our friend LOUIS NAPOLEON! If he will but make an Exhibition of +himself in this country, we promise him full houses, and a greater +fortune than that which he has lost. + + * * * * * + +THE MICROSCOPIC MAN. + +Bumps have a great deal to answer for. Of course we refer to +phrenological bumps, from which, possibly, the powerful adjective +"bumptious" is derived, it being applicable to a person whose +conflicting bumps keep him continually on the rampage. + +Of all such persons, the one with microscopes in his bumps for eyes is +the most bumptious. He is continually detecting pernicious particles in +everything that he eats and drinks. One such will seize a pepper-castor, +invert it over his mashed turnips, spank it as if it were a child, and +then, peering at the dark particles with which the succulent heap of +vegetable matter is dusted, proceed to deliver a lecture upon the +poisons that we swallow with our daily food. He sees iron-filings in the +pepper. Also particles of the tail-feathers of Spanish flies. He will +tell you that if you continue to use pepper like that for a long +duration--say seventy or eighty years--you will have iron enough in your +stomach, from the filings, to make a ten-pound dumb-bell, and blistering +stuff sufficient from the Spanish fly to draw all the interest of the +National Debt. If the pepper happens to belong to the Cayenne +persuasion, he magnifies it into a hod of bricks. It is his hod way of +accounting for it. Keep using it daily for half-a-century, says he, and +see if you don't wake up some fine morning and find yourself a brick +chimney stuck up on the roof of a house for bats to live in. It will be +a just judgment on you; and small will be to you the consolation should +some poetical friend pen an epigrammatical threnody to your memory, +telling in "In Memoriam" stanzas how you "went up like a thousand of +bricks." + +"Beef?" says the microscopic man, probing the meat with a pencil of +light that beams from his right eye (the other being closed for +concentration purposes), "Beef, sir?--not a bit of the _bos taurus_ +about it, sir. Horse, donkey, mule, zebra--what you will, but not a +single fibre of ox. Did you ever see the fibres of beef run in a +direction due north and south, like these? If you did I should like to +know it, sir. I inspected this meat raw, sir, to-day, on the butcher's +stall, and the minute _ova_ perceptible in it were those of the horse +gad-fly, not the ox gad-fly, sir. Yes, begad, sir, and I'm prepared to +maintain the fact upon oath, sir." + +Porter and other malt liquors are favorite subjects for the analysis of +the microscopic man. As you are placidly enjoying your pint of +GUINNESS'S brown stout, he will look at you for minutes with a +compassionate smile. Then, suddenly plunging into his favorite horror +knee-deep, he will ask you if you know what becomes of all the ends of +smoked-out cigars. Of course you submit that little boys pick them up +and smoke them to everlasting annihilation. "Pshaw! sir," exclaims the +microscopic person; "there is a man in the City of Dublin, sir--I +believe he is a baronet now, but will not force that as a fact--and he +made an enormous fortune by going about the streets at early dawn and +picking up all the cigar-stumps he could find, and they were not few, as +you may suppose, in that smokingest of cities. He used to furnish these +by the ton to old GUINNESS, who used them for giving color and body to +his famous 'Stout.' Body?--I should think so rather!--but only think +where the body came from! Just recall to mind the filthiest gutter that +ever you saw in your life, with the numerous ends of cigars that you +perfectly remember having observed sweltering in it, and then take +another pull at your GUINNESS, sir, and I wish you joy of it, sir!" + +Once we remember to have heard the subject of the possibility of lizards +snakes, frogs, and other cheerful reptiles having resided for indefinite +periods in the stomachs of human subjects, discussed in the presence of +the microscopic man. A lady of the party was skeptical on the subject, +dwelling especially upon the impossibility of any person swallowing a +reptile unawares. "Observe those water-cresses of which you have been +partaking so freely, madam," said the microscopic man. "Beneath each +leaf I discern _ova_ of things that it might horrify you to enumerate in +full. Suffice it to say, then, for the present, that on the leaves of +this small sprig culled by me at random from the cluster, are to be +detected the germs of the _trigonocephalus contortrix_, than which, when +fully developed, no more deadly reptile wriggles upon earth. See this +minute agglomeration of yellowish specks on the stalk of the cress. +These are the eggs of the _lacerta horrida_, a lizard that within the +large warts with which its epidermis is studded secretes a poison of the +most virulent character. Others, too, I discern, but they are too +disagreeable to dwell upon--not to speak of one having _them_ dwell +inside one, instead--ha! ha! Now, remember that all these germs are +hatched by gentle warmth. No degree of temperature that we know of is +more gentle than that of the human stom--" + +At this point the lady fainted, and the microscopic man was thrown +promptly out of the window by her husband, who has since been presented +by a committee of grateful citizens with a gold-mounted cane, as a mark +of consideration for his services in ridding the world of a monster. + + * * * * * + +"GREEK MEETS GREEK." + + Oh, lovers of your lager beer, + Drinkers of wine and ale, + Ye editors and ministers, + Come listen to my tale, + And learn the very slight basis + Characters are built on, + By reading of the fight between + FULTON and friend TILTON. + + In New York City, Broadway street, + Friend FULTON took his way, + Squinting in ev'ry restaurant, + For it was then mid-day; + He saw a bottle on a stand, + With words all in gilt on, + While right before that awful stand + Guzzling wine sat TILTON. + + On Sunday night, while walking down + Bow'ry to the ferry, + TILTON did spy a lager shop + Where the folks were merry, + And saw a sight that op'd his eyes, + For, in that beery vat, + Nine lagers foaming by his side, + Reverend FULTON sat. + + With spirit sword bound at his side, + And his hand the hilt on, + Brave FULTON smote at hip and thigh + Of our little TILTON; + Then TILTON took a mighty quill, + Called FULTON a liar, + FULTON took that to his church, + Will he take it higher? + + Now TILTON says that FULTON lies, + FULTON says 'tis TILTON; + I wish this epic was told by + HOMER or by MILTON. + _I_ cannot tell which yarn is true, + Nor what each is built on, + But surely there's been lying by + FULTON or else TILTON. + + * * * * * + +A FINE OLD LADY. + +In this day of monetary papyrus, it is pleasing to read of an ancient +matron in Lafayette, Ind., who, at the age of eighty-nine, has gone to +her reward, leaving no property save a $20 gold piece. For several +years, she has been reserving this honest coin to pay her funeral +expenses; and one cannot help surmising that she must have been +distantly related to the late Old Bullion BENTON. "No National Bank +nonsense at my tomb!" said she; "no grimed and greasy currency for my +undertaker! I will have a specie-paying funeral or none at all." As we +have the precedent of a great many Old Ladies in the Cabinet, we are +rather sorry that it is too late to invite this clear-headed dame to +take a chair in Washington. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MODEST REQUEST. + +_Disbursing Agent of Political Organization [to Delegation on biz.]_: +"AH! GENTLEMEN, YOU REPRESENT THE----" + +_Spokesman_. "YES; WE WANT $200. I'M THE KNOCK-'EM-DOWN CLUB, AND HE'S +THE TARGET COMPANY."] + + * * * * * + +THE WRONG "DUMMIE." + +Gatling (our countryman, you know) has invented a Battery Gun. They have +been trying this gun over at Shoeburyness (how is that, for a name?) in +England, to see whether they had not better order a few, in time for the +next war. It seems that they conducted their experiments by firing at +"dummies, representing men." (Oh, if they had _only_ had some of our +American Dummies there, who Represent Men so inadequately.) There were +136 of these _simulacra_, "99 of whom," says the report "would have been +killed." That is, if it had been possible to kill them. In fact, they +would have been killed four or five times over. "Kilt intirely." + +We shall always feel that a great opportunity was here lost of ridding +the country of certain nuisances, who, if anything at all, are _worse_ +than dummies, and deserve not four only, but four hundred balls in them, +"forty-two one-hundredths of an inch in diameter," or even larger. There +are so many, it would be useless to attempt to specify them: and +besides, everybody knows who they are. We would begin with the +Politicians, and end with the Brokers. And then the Millennium would +begin, "sure pop." + + * * * * * + +TROUBLE FOR THE RISING GENERATION. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO has often thought with what melancholy feelings the +naughty boys must gaze upon a fine grove of growing birches; but what +pangs would a knowing child experience upon finding himself in Randolph +county, Illinois, where they raise twelve bushels of castor-oil beans to +the acre! Of what depths of juvenile wretchedness and precocious +misanthropy is that crop suggestive! We see it all--the anxious +parent--the solemn doctor--the writhing patient--the glass--the spoon! +Howls like those of a battle-field, only less so, fill the air. The +wretched victim of pharmacy, conquered at last, gives one desperate gulp +to save himself from strangulation, and all is over! Ye who remember +your boyhood's home! tell us if there was any joke in all this! + + * * * * * + +THE GREAT MODERN O MISSION.--The English Mission. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: THE LITERARY PIRATES. + +SUGGESTED BY BIARD'S PICTURE, AND SHOWING THE PIRATICAL ROVER "HARPY" +SPRINGING A TRAP UPON THE GOOD SHIP "AUTHOR" IN A FAVOURABLE TRADE WIND.] + + +"THE HARPY." + + With literary ventures stowed + As full as ship can be, + The good ship "Author" holds her way + Over the fickle sea; + Now sings the wind, and, all serene, + The ripples forth and back + Lap lightly round her gleaming sides + And whiten on her track. + + Far westward, on the line of blue + That meets the pearly[1] sky, + There looms up large a stranger sail, + A sail both broad and high; + And as she near and nearer draws + She hovers like a bird, + And strains of music from her deck + Upon the air are heard. + + Now closer draws the stranger sail-- + Are sirens they who hang + About the quivering cordage with-- + Hallo! what's that?--bang! bang! + The trap is sprung, the siren ship + Runs up the sable flag-- + It is the pirate "Harpy," and + She takes the "Author's" swag! + +[Footnote 1: A famous foreign writer offered us £500 to print this Pearl +Street, but we wouldn't do it for double the money.--[ED.]] + + * * * * * + +WEAPONS THAT TAMMANY HALL CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BY.--SHARPE'S Rifles. + + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN AT THE BROOKLYN NAVY-YARD. + +Bread and Butter vs. Old Cheese. + +I hadent got but a little ways into the Navy-Yard, when a soljer steps +up before me, and pintin his bagonet at my throack, said: + +"Pass." + +I stepped tother side of him to obey his orders, when he agin pinted his +gun at me and said: + +"Pass." + +Thinkin I was on the rong side of him, I undertook to pass into the +middle of the road, when he vociferated in louder tones: + +"Pass!" + +"Well," says I, by this time considerably riled at sich skanderlous +treatment at the _hands_ of this goverment, "if you'l stop rammin your +bagonet into my hash digester and let me _pass_, ile be hily tickled." + +I was madder than if I had been a candidate for offis, and dident get +elected. + +"See here, Mister hard-tack Cowpenner," said I, addressin him, "how dare +you stop _me_ in this ere outragous manner? You say 'pass,' and when I +try to pass, you jab at my innards with that mustick in a rather +oncomfortable manner. What do you mean?" + +"I mean, sir," said he, sholderin his shootin iron, "that if you want to +go further, you must get a pass from the offis across the way." + +"Oho! that's a gooseberry pie of a different flavor," said I, coolin +off; "why dident you say so before?" and I pinted for the offis to get +the pass. + +After bein put through a course of red tape, such as feelin of my pultz, +lookin down my throte, and soundin me on my Spread Eagleism, I got the +pass. + +While on my tower of observashuns, a mechanikle lookin individual +approched me, and says: + +"Good mornin, Congressman WEBSTER." + +I turned in cirprise, as several other men dropped their tools and +rushed out and surrounded me. + +"God bless you, Mister WEBSTER!" said one. + +"Make way for the noble and good WEBSTER," said another. + +"Let me kiss the hand of the great statesman," says a third, fallin to +and gettin my thumb in his mouth. + +"Mister WEBSTER, take care of me, I am yours to command," says a 4th, +who jumped wildly for an old tobacker cud I had just throde away. + +On all sides, men was fallin down to worship me, just as if I was the +Golden Calf, spoken of in scripters, or else some great poletikle Mogul, +with a pocket full of blank commissions, ready to be filled out for good +fat offises. + +All of a sudden, it popped into my mind that these 8 hour sons of toil +hadent heard that DANIEL WEBSTER was dead, or else dident see the joak, +when DAN said: "I aint dead," and supposed from my likeness to him that +I was D. WEBSTER. + +I couldent blame 'em for makin such a mistake, when I reccolected the +time I was introjuced to the great man. It was when I was Gustise of the +Peace. + +As our hands clasped each other, we was both revitted to the spot, and +the rivets was clinched tite. + +"What! it can't be possible!" said Mr. WEBSTER, the first to break the +silence. "Well if you haint another WEBSTER, you'l pass for D. WEBSTER'S +bust, any day." + +"And," said I, wishin to return the compliment, "if you haint _Green_, +you can pass any time for GREEN on a bust." + +This was one of my witcisms, and it made DANIEL blurt with lafter. + +But, Mister PUNCHINELLO, me and WEBSTER looked so much alike, that if +his tailor had sent him a soot of clothes at that time, I believe, in +the confusion, that just as like as not, I should have thought I was +WEBSTER, and wore off the clothes. + +But, to "retrace my tale," as the canine said, when a flee was suckin +the heart's blood from his cordil appendige-- + +"Well, my friends," said I, humerin these men in their mistake, "what +can I do for you down to Washington?" + +"Do for us? thou great and mitey!" said they all to once, "keep us into +offis--we 'go' _you_, Nov. 8th." + +"Well," said I, "my good men, my word is law down to Washington. +Everybody respects the great DANIL WEBSTER." + +"Eh!--who--what," exclaimed several. + +"I say that I, DANIL WEBSTER, is great guns with the goverment," was my +reply. + +"DANIEL WEBSTER be d--d," said the ring-leader. "No, Sir! ED WEBSTER, +the nominee for Congress, and Wet Nurse _pro tem._ over Unkle Sam's +family in this 'ere _nursery_, is the man we're after. Haint you that +man?" + +"You don't mean the chap who was U.S. Assessor, agin whom I heard them +Wall street brokers and scalpers cussin and swearin like a lot of Rocky +Mountin savages chock full of fluid pirotecknicks, because he made them +pay a goverment tax?" + +"The same! the same!" they all hollered. + +"Well! sweet wooers of the bread and butter brigade," said I, "speakin +after the manner of men, you've got ontop the rong hencoop this time. As +Shakspeer, who is now dead and gone, says:-- + + 'A rose by any other name + Is sweeter-er than I, + I've diskivered I haint the _game_ + You want to see roost high.'" + +They left me, yes, they left me. I wasent the man, but some awdacious +retch had sot 'em on tellin 'em I was _the_ man. + +Surgeon GOODBLOOD, of the man o' war _Vermont_, then took me under his +charge. I found him one of them _noble_ docters, under whose +perscriptions a man could enjoy 'kickin the bucket.' + +He took me to see the soljers drill. + +"Thems the Marines," said he, pintin to the bloo cotes. + +"Sho! you don't say?" says I. "Are them those obligin gentlemen who are +allways ready to listen to what is told 'em?" + +"Yes," says the Dr.; "anything nobody else believes, we tell to the +Marines." + +I mite okepy your hul paper tellin all about the war vessels, pattent +torpedoes, monitors, and sich, which I saw, but will close with the +remark: + +That old rats never pile livlier onto roasted cheese, than a bread and +butter patriot does onto candidates who has the _cuttin_ of a good +_fat loaf_. That's wisdom which will wash. + +Ewers, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +SIMILE USED UP. + +We regret to state, that in consequence of a late discovery by one +BÉCHAMP, of living things in chalk (he has actually seen 'em wriggle!) +we are no longer at liberty to say, "As different as Chalk and Cheese." +The difference is gone! If it is not, we would ask, where is it? + +It is true, chalk is not in so general use, as an article of diet, as +cheese, except in boarding-schools; but the difference is plainly one of +degree rather than of kind. We have heard of "prepared chalk." It has +been whispered that gentle spinsters use it for a beautifyer. We rather +incline to the belief that it is prepared for the inside rather than the +outside of humanity. + +At any rate, the two articles now agree in their most prominent +characteristics--which they did not, till M. BÉCHAMP looked into the +matter with his microscope. + +'Tis thus, alas! our cherished similes are going. One by one are they +Bé-champ-ed (or chawed up) by the voracious creatures who hunger and +thirst after novelty. Why, we expect to be told, ere long,--and have it +proved to us,--that the Moon after all is actually and truly made of +Green Cheese. And there will go another fond comparison! Nay, +more;--perhaps Cheese itself is but Chalk, in its incipient stages of +development,--with the tenantry already secured, however, that make it +so lively inside.--_Si sic Omnes_. + + * * * * * + +To Our Youthful Friends. + +We wish to do all in our power to keep the world cheerful. If there is a +youth of our acquaintance who despairs of ever raising a fine moustache, +we would remind him of that comforting apothegm of the Spanish: "Un +cabello haze sombra"--"The least hair makes a shadow." Courage, lad! and +do not cast that shadow from thy lip. If there is a single hair already +there, it is a manly and noble thing! + + * * * * * + +"Done Brown." + +"TOM BROWN" is not looked upon as a sheepish person, and yet, the +English of his name is ewes ('ughes). + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REAL HARDSHIP. + +"HERE'S A GO!--STRASBOURG IN RUINS--TRADE DESTROYED--O DEAR! DEAR! +WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR OUR PATTY DEE FOY GRASS NOW!"] + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO X. + + There was a man in our town, and he was wondrous wise, + He jumped into a bramble bush and scratched out both his eyes; + And when he saw what he had done, with all his might and main, + He jumped into another bush, and scratched them in again. + +Some people have a very curious way of doing things. Nowadays when the +world has advanced by prodigious strides almost to the limit of +civilization, and having no further to go, is debating within itself +whether it shall lie down and take a rest, a man don't go to so much +trouble to have his eyes out. The age is a fast one, you know; so, when +the man feels like having his glims doused, he just jumps into the midst +of a crowd of real b'hoys, runs his head, good-naturedly, you know, +against a pair of knuckles, and the business is settled with "neatness +and despatch," as the job-printers say. + +How different our poet's description. He must have been a man of +wonderful experience; and foresight, let us add, since from his simple +yet wonderfully powerful sketches there is gained an insight into all +the mysterious workings of humanity, from the lulling of the babe in the +cradle, the ruthless disruption of the apron-string that he is led with, +because some naughty little boys laughed at him, to the tolling of the +bell by the old sexton over another dead. + +Well, there is no use in moralizing. The tale is before us, graphically +drawn; and to the reader is left naught but the pleasure of +contemplating its beauties. In his pithy way the poet describes a man +who, though possessed of some good qualities, evidently did not know how +to use them. Though the poet has never yet touched upon politics, yet +the careful reader will find that the hero of the sketch must have been +a young Democrat, since he is made to appear very nimble, and has a +fondness, partial to himself, of getting into rather thorny places. What +led him into those dangerous places we have very little chance of +knowing. "He was wondrous wise," saith the poet, and forsooth he jumps +into a bramble-bush, the last place in the world where a _wise_ man is +to be found. But then, perhaps, a tincture of irony flew from our poet's +pen; the hero was wise in his own esteem, perhaps; or was wise in the +opinion of his friends, whose wisdom seemed to be consummated in doing +something ridiculous. + +It is very fortunate for the social welfare of community that all its +actions should not be sublime. Mankind would become too serious and +morose and cynical, and life would be a burden. The ridiculous makes it +enjoyable, but at the expense of those who cause the ridicule. Man +_must_ laugh, no matter what the cost to the object laughed at. + +Ordinary intelligence would have decided the fate of the wise individual +who found no other use for his eyes but to scratch them out in a +bramble-bush. But our poet dealeth otherwise with his portraits. He +shows us the fate of an overwrought, badly instilled wisdom; yet when +that wisdom has been deserted by its cause, the promptings of a heart, +pure at the core, hold up to contempt the mad teachings of the sophist. + + "When he saw what he had done," + +continues the poet, in a sense not entirely literal, for reasons which +are not necessary to be explained, this man of wondrous wisdom saw that +he had been made a dupe. Cunning as a fox were his would-be friends; but +having got him to the bush, there they let him gambol as he would, +ensnaring him to his own almost utter ruin. + +A new light flashes upon his brain; his folly appears plainly to his +mind; he had ruthlessly deserted his fond parents; sought evil counsel; +was deserted by his false friends; and was now in a deplorable condition +indeed. Remorse sometimes brings repentance; at least it did in this +case. Our hero remembered the good teachings of his early youth; and, +like the prodigal son, was willing to return to the home of his fathers. +True, he was in a bramble-bush; but, _similia similibus curantur_ +(which, interpreted, signifies, "You tickle me and I'll tickle you"). + + "He jumped into another bush," + +found his eyes as they were before his sad catastrophe, and without +ceremony returned them to their places, by another operation of +scratching. + +What more need be said! No circumlocution of words will add to the +ending of a tale, but perhaps serve only to conceal the point. The +author is careful of his reputation. He restores the hero to his +original position, in full possession of his senses. + + There let him be; + But O Be good, say we. + + * * * * * + +AGOSTINO THE GUNSMITH. + + Of gun-tricks, old or new, the best that we know + Was that performed by JOSEPH AGOSTINO, + The gunsmith who, by burglars often vext, + A week or two since plotted for the next + By planting cunningly a wide-bored fusil, + With buck-shot loaded half-way to the muzzle, + Right opposite the window to which came + The nightly thief, to ply his little game; + And to the trigger hitching so a string, + That when the burglar bold was entering + The charge went off, and, crashing through the shutter, + Relieved the rascal of his bread and butter + By blowing off his head. + + O! AGOSTINO, + Far better than the helmet of MAMBRINO, + Or steel-wrought hauberk, fashioned for defence, + Was this thy dodge; 'twas dexterous, immense! + Your health, GIUSEPPE; and for PUNCHINELLO + Construct to order--there's a jolly fellow-- + A _mitrailleuse_, both long enough and large + To kill the burglars, all, at one discharge. + + * * * * * + +SORTES SHAKSPEARIANAE. + +A Picture of the John Real Democracy:-- + + "What are these, + So withered and so wild in their attire; + That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, + And yet are on't?" + + _Macbeth, Act 1, Sc. 3._ + +A Portrait of Woodford as a General:-- + + "That never set a squadron in the field, + Nor the division of a battle knows." + + _Othello, Act 1, Sc. 1._ + +Punchinello to Gov. Seymour:-- + + "HORATIO, thou art e'en as just a man + As e'er my conversation coped withal." + + _Hamlet, Act 3, Sc. 2._ + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Nux Vomica._ Can you give me a description of the sellebrated needall +gun? + +_Answer._ Your spelling is so eccentric that we guess you to be +connected with the _Tribune_. As for the "needall" gun, we should define +it as a gun without lock, stock, barrel, flint, percussion-cap, powder, +ball, or anything else. + +_O.D.V._ Yes: a man may die of _delirium tremens_ produced by drinking +too much French wine. If the wine should happen to be Château Margot, +the verdict of a Coroner's Jury would probably be--"died of a margot on +the brain." + +_Fumigator._ What is the proper spelling of the smoking mixture known as +"Killikinnick"? + +_Answer._ Some authorities derive it from a story about an old Canadian +having smoked himself to death with it, and spell it "Kill a Kannuck." +Others spell it "Kill a Cynic," and believe that DIOGENES, the founder +of the Cynical School of philosophy, died of a surfeit of the article. + +_Otis Bunker._ Was there not, in old times, a tax on fires in England, +and did it not lead to an insurrection? + +_Answer._ No tax on fires that we ever heard of. You are thinking, +probably, of the Curfew Tolls mentioned by GRAY. + +_Simon Succotash._ The expression to "wind a horn" is frequently used. +Do people wind one as they would a watch; and, if so, what sort of key +do they use? + +_Answer._ Try the key of A Flat: _you_ are sure to have it. + +_Pump-Handle._ Is it possible for a person to sleep during an +earthquake? + +_Answer._ Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep soundly upon +any kind of shake-down. + +_Philander._ What is the best way of testing a horse's temper? + +_Answer._ If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to take a +fence, just dash him at one and try. + +_Gorman Dyzer._ We think it quite proper, as you suppose, to eat +sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer your +other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with sausages on +Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant. + +_Caspar Van Keek._ Why is the height of a horse given in hands instead +of feet? + +_Answer._ Because it is considered handier, of course. + +_John of Boston._ I have been blackballed at a club. What am I to do? + +_Answer._ Let things alone. Clubs are not always Trumps. + +_Margaret Shortcake._--I have a great dread of being buried alive. Will +holding a looking-glass to the face of a person supposed to be dead +determine whether breathing has ceased or not? + +_Answer._ The test is used by physicians. There is an instance on record +of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young girl who had been +unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at herself in it, +which proved that she was wide awake. + +_Widow McRue._--How soon after my husband's death would it be proper for +me to give up my weeds? + +_Answer._ If your husband allowed you to smoke during his life-time, we +do not see why you should give up the practice after his death. Although +we do not approve of women smoking, yet a fragrant weed between pearly +teeth, with an azure cloud curling heavenward from it, has a certain +fascination, and so our advice is, "Dry up (your tears), and light a +fresh Havana." + +_Speculator._--What is the best way to double a $20 bill? + +_Answer._ With a paper-folder. + +_Frost-on-the-Pane._--From languid circulation, or some other cause, I +frequently go to bed with cold feet. How can I remedy this? + +_Answer._ Don't go to bed. Sleep in a chair. + + * * * * * + +POLITICS AS A FINE ART. + +First Class in Politics, stand up. + +First boy--Define politics as an art. + +Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing good +clothes at the public expense. + +Next--Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included in this art? + +No sir, that's a natural gift. + +Who invented politics? + +It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known to the +early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art by T. +WEED. + +What are the elements of success in politics? + +Cheek and stamps. + +At what place is this art most cultivated? + +At Washington. + +How many classes of politicians are there? + +Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters. + +Define them. + +Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little +strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are +looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation. +Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time. + +Where are they found? + +In both the Republican and Democratic schools. + +JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House of +Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in +session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat, +whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat? + +THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany, +only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is +contested as Republican. + +Next boy--Who are the most successful artists among politicians? + +Carpet-baggers. + +What is the art now called in the South? + +Black art. + +Why? + +Because the leading artists there are of an off color. + +JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example? + +Yes, sir. + +When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 P.M. on +the 4th of July? + +At 5 minutes after 8 on that day. + +THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican be +admitted? + +At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July. + +Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a fine art. +The class is dismissed. + + * * * * * + +BOSTON FIRST. + +Even in the matter of earthquakes the proverbial superiority of Boston +to all other places, as a centre, has just been proved. A writer in the +_Evening Post_, discussing the comparative phenomena of the late +earthquake at various points, says:-- + +"Allowing seven and a half minutes for difference of local time, the +shock was two minutes earlier at Boston than at New Haven. This implies +that Boston was nearer to the centre of disturbance than New Haven." + +Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead not of +New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young cataclasm +referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it radiated, and +therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of earthquakes as +everything else. Property has already gone up to a tremendous figure at +Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of the place; but the +greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" is the admission of +the earthquake as a "Boston notion." + + * * * * * + +From the Seat of War. + +What were the Francs-Tireurs before they were organized? + +They wear leather gaiters. + + * * * * * + +Republicans. + +It would be dangerous to elect the two leading Republican candidates. +They must have monarchical ideas, inasmuch as they both come from Kings. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEVOTION TO SCIENCE. + +_Mamma._ "AH YOU CRUEL, CRUEL BOY, HOW COULD YOU FRIGHTEN YOUR DEAR +LITTLE SISTER SO?" + +_The Incorrigible._ "I--I ONLY WANTED TO SEE IF HER HAIR WOULD TURN +WHITE."] + + * * * * * + +An Advertising Parson. + +There is nothing like judicious advertising--at least, we have been told +this often enough to believe it. So thinks a Pennsylvania parson, who +advertises himself in a newspaper as follows:-- + +"Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the +place to call to have the marriage-knot promptly and strongly tied. +Inquire for Rev. S. J. Whitcomb." + +--While he was about it, why didn't the Rev. WHITCOMB advertise the +other jobs for which orders might be left at the same shop? Why didn't +he say: "Funerals attended with neatness and despatch?" or, "Gentlemen +about to leave the world, will be waited upon at their own bed-sides +without additional charge?" or, "Cases of conscience adjudicated upon +the most reasonable terms?" or, "A fine assortment of moral advice just +received, and for sale in lots to suit purchasers?" Let the Rev. +WHITCOMB take our hint, enlarge the field of his advertising, and make +lots of the Mammon of Unrighteousness. + + * * * * * + +Fulton versus Tilton. + +FULTON taps TILTON for wine, TILTON taps FULTON for beer; FULTON gets a +_tilt,_ because TILTON finds him full. In case of a trial, the verdict +would probably be, that a full FULTON ran _full tilt_ against a full +TILTON. + + * * * * * + +"AURI SACRA FAMES." + + I saw a parson at his desk, + Silk-gowned and linen-ruffled; + The organ ceased--he rose to preach, + And smirked, and mouthed, and snuffled; + + He talked of gold, and called it dross, + And prophesied confusion + To all who loved it--told them that + Their trust was all delusion. + + 'Twas filthy lucre, dust and dirt, + The root of every evil; + And its pursuit,--too strongly urged,-- + Would lead straight to the Devil. + + Midst other wicked (Scripture) rogues, + He talked of ANANIAS,-- + He and his wife SAPPHIRA were + The wickedest of liars. + + He showed us clearly, from their fate, + The sin of overreaching, + And making small the salaries + Of those who do the preaching. + + And when his half-hour's work was done, + The miserable sinners + Rolled home in easy carriages + To Aldermanic dinners; + + And as I plodded home on foot, + I thought it was all gammon, + To build a temple to the LORD + Of curses against Mammon. + + The sin of gold is its abuse, + And not its mere possession,-- + Wine may turn vinegar, and gold + May turn men to transgression. + + Then tell the truth, O men of GOD! + Nor scorn the loaves and fishes, + Lest we should take you at your word, + And leave you empty dishes! + + + * * * * * + +CHEERFUL PHILOSOPHY. + +We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually received, +for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of Mourners,--whose +conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to criticism. + +It is all well enough--"due to decency," in fact--to wear "mourning," +and now and then look grave; but "this idea of closing your house," +observed our philosopher, "and silencing your piano, and abstaining from +your customary amusements and habits _for months_ [only think of it!], +because some one has departed from misery to happiness, is not alone +supremely ridiculous [though _that_ is bad enough], but it is sublimely +preposterous and [what is yet more] disgraceful to the last degree of +shame." + +Precisely; just what we have always said, whether we believed it or not. +It is what any feeling man _would_ say. + +The fact is, people sacrifice too much to their friends. Especially +after the friends are dead. "The cream of the joke is," as our lively +essayist remarks, "that the dead do not dream of your sufferings on +their account." + +And suppose they did: what _is_ a friend, any way? Why, something you +would do well to rid yourself of as soon as possible. There is scarcely +anything mean, sordid, contemptible, and disgusting, that an average +friend won't do without winking. + +It would certainly contribute greatly to the cheerfulness of one about +to leave this "mortial wale," to feel morally certain that nobody cared +a rap about him, or was going to make any fuss just for a trifle like +that. + +We must say, however, we would prefer to see our mourning friends go the +whole figure, and not visit the opera in weeds. Be jolly, but also +_look_ jolly. + +The trouble seems to be, that people _will_ be sentimental; they must do +a certain amount of tribulation, "whether or no." We would not even +counsel the wearing of black diamonds. We would refrain from jet, bog, +and ebony. We would not try to grin through a disguise of skull and +bones. Be gay (and by all means _look_ gay) in spite of your departed +grandmother. + + * * * * * + +No Great Shakes. + +It's a pity that the earthquake came too late for the census, as it +cannot now be included among our native productions. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. 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LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point," "Beethoven," large | + | and small. | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE NEW YORK | + | DAILY DEMOCRAT, | + | JAMES H. LAMBERT, | + | EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR. | + | | + | Publication Office, 166 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + | Democratic in politics, spicy and sharp, and contains all | + | the news of the day fifteen hours in advance of the Morning | + | Papers, and at half-price. | + | | + | THE DEMOCRAT is a first-class advertising medium, with low | + | rates. Special rates for long-time advertisements given upon | + | application to C. P. SYKES, Publisher. | + | | + | Buy the Evening Democrat, | + | PRICE TWO CENTS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | + | one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783 | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. II., No. 33, +November 12, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10105 *** |