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diff --git a/old/10104-8.txt b/old/10104-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f6e2653 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10104-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2721 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, November 5, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, November 5, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 17, 2003 [EBook #10104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen Manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. II. No. 32 + + + +SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE. + +Miss CARROWTHERS having gone out with Mrs. SKAMMERHORN to skirmish with +the world of dry-goods clerks for one of those alarming sacrifices in +feminine apparel which woman unselfishly, yet never needlessly, is +always making, FLORA sat alone in her new home, working the latest +beaded pin-cushion of her useful life. Frequently experiencing the truth +of the adage, that as you sew so shall you rip, the fair young thing was +passing half her valuable time in ripping out the mistaken stitches she +had made in the other half; and the severe moral discipline thus +endured, made her mad, as equivalent vexation would have made a man the +reverse of that word. Flippant social satirists cannot dwell with +sufficient sarcasm upon the difference between the invincible amiability +affected by artless girls in society and their occasional bitterness of +aspect in the privacy of home; never stopping to reflect that there are +sore private trials for these industrious young crochet creatures in +which the thread of the most equable female existence is necessarily +worsted. Miss POTTS, then, although looking up from her trying worsted +occupation at the servant who entered with a rather snappish expression +of countenance, was guilty of no particularly hypocritical assumption in +at once suffering her features to relax into a sweetly pensive smile +upon learning that there was a gentleman to see her in the parlor. + +"'MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON,'" she softly read from the card presented. "Is +he alone, BRIDGET, dear?" + +"Sorra any wan with him but his cane, Miss; and that he axed me wud I +sthand it behind the dure for him." + +There was a look of desperate purpose about this. When a sentimental +young man seeks a private interview with a marriageable young woman, and +recklessly refuses at the outset to retain at least his cane for the +solution of the intricate conversational problem of what to do with his +hands, it is an infallible sign that some madly rash intention has +temporarily overpowered his usual sheepish imbecility, and that he may +be expected to speak and act with almost human intelligence. + +With hand instinctively pressed upon her heart, to moderate its too +sanguine pulsations and show the delicate lace around her cuffs, FLORA +shyly entered the parlor, and surprised Mr. PENDRAGON striding up and +down the apartment like one of the more comic of the tragic actors of +the day. + +"Miss POTTS!" ejaculated the wild young Southern pedestrian, pausing +suddenly at her approach, with considerable excitement of manner, "scorn +me, spurn me, if you will; but do not let sectional embitterment blind +you to the fact that I am here by the request of Mr. DIBBLE." + +"I wasn't scorning and spurning anybody," explained the startled orphan, +coyly accepting the chair he pushed forward. "I'm sure I don't feel any +sectional hatred, nor any other ridiculous thing." + +"Forgive me!" pleaded MONTGOMERY. "I reckon I'm a heap too sensitive +about my Southern birth; but only think, Miss POTTS, what I've had to go +through since I've been amongst you Yankees! Fancy what it is to be +suspected of a murder, and have no political influence." + +"It must be _so_ absurd!" murmured FLORA. + +"I've felt wretched enough about it to become a contributor to the +first-class American comic paper on the next floor below me," he +continued, gloomily. "And here, to-day, without any explanation, your +guardian desires me to come here and wait for him." + +"I'm sorry that's such a trial for you, Mr. PENDRAGON," simpered the +Flowerpot. "Perhaps you'd prefer to wait on the front stoop and appear +as though you'd just come, you know?" + +"And can you think," cried the young man with increased agitation "that +it would be any trial for me to be in your society, if--? But tell me, +Miss POTTS, has your guardian the right to dispose of your hand in +marriage?" + +"I suppose so," answered FLORA, with innocent surprise and a pretty +blush; "he has charge of _all_ my money matters, you know." + +"Then it is as I feared," groaned her questioner, smiting his forehead. +"He is coming here to-day to tell you what man of opulence he wants you +to have, and I am to be witness to my own hopelessness!" + +"What makes you think anything so ridiculous, you absurd thing?" asked +the orphan, not unkindly. + +"He as good as said so," sighed the unhappy Southerner. "He told me, +with his own mouth, that he wanted to get you off his hands as soon as +possible, and thought he saw his way clear to do it." + +The girl knew what bitter, intolerable emotions were tearing the heart +of the ill-fated secessionist before her, and, in her own gentle heart, +pitied him. + +"He needn't be so sure about it," she said, with indignant spirit. "I'll +never marry _any_ stranger, unless he's awful rich--oh, as rich as +anything!" + +"Oh, Miss POTTS!" roared MONTGOMERY, suddenly, folding-down upon one +knee before her, and scratching his nose with a ring upon the hand he +sought to kiss, "why will you not bestow upon me the heart so generously +disdainful of everything except the most extreme wealth? Why waste your +best years in waiting for proposals from a class of Northern men who +occasionally expect that their brides, also, shall have property, when +here I offer you the name and hand of a loving Southern gentleman, who +only needs the paying off of a few mortgages on his estate in the South +to be beyond all immediate danger of starvation?" + +Turning her pretty head aside, but unconsciously allowing him to retain +her hand, she faintly asked how they were to live? + +"Live!" repeated the impetuous lover. "On love, hash, mutual trust, +bread pudding: anything that's cheap. I'll do the washing and ironing +myself." + +"How perfectly ridiculous!" said the orphan, bashfully turning her head +still further aside, and bringing one ear-ring to bear strongly upon +him. "You'd never be able to do fluting and pinking in the world." + +"I could do anything, with you by my side!" he retorted, eagerly. Oh, +Miss POTTS!--FLORA!--think how lonely I am. My sister, as on may have +heard, has accepted Gospeler SIMPSON'S proposal, by mail, for her hand, +and is already so busy quarrelling with his mother that she is no longer +any company for me. My fate is in your hands; it is in woman's power to +either make or marry the roan who loves her--" + +"Provided, always, that her legal guardian consents," interrupted the +benignant voice of Mr. DIBBLE, who, unperceived by them, had entered the +room in time to finish the sentence. + +Springing alertly to an upright position, and coughing excessively, Mr. +PENDRAGON was a shamefaced reproach to his whole sex, while the young +lady used the edge of her right foot against a seam of the carpet with +that extreme solicitude as to the result which is always so entirely +deceiving to those who have hoped to see her show signs of painful +embarrassment. + +After surveying them in thoughtful silence for a moment, the old lawyer +bent over his ward, and hugged and kissed her with an unctuousness +justified by his great age and extreme goodness. It was his fine old way +of bestowing an inestimable blessing upon all the plump younger women of +his acquaintance, and the benediction was conferred on the slightest +pretexts, and impartially, up to a certain age. + +"Am I to construe what I have seen and heard, my dear, as equivalent to +the conclusion of my guardianship?" he asked, smilingly. + +"Oh, please don't be so ridiculous--oh, I never was so exquisitely +nervous," pleaded the helpless, fluttered young creature. + +"I reckon I've betrayed your confidence, sir," said MONTGOMERY, +desperately; "but you must have known, from hearsay at least, how I have +felt toward this young lady ever since our first meeting, and should not +have exposed me to a temptation stronger than I could bear. I have, +indeed, done myself the honor to offer her the hand and heart if one +who, although but a poor gentleman, will be richer than kings if she +deigns to make him so." + +"Why, how absurd!" ejaculated the orphan, quickly. "It's perfectly +ridiculous to call me well off: and how could I make you richer than +kings and things, you know?" + +The old and the young men exchanged looks of unspeakable admiration at +such touching artlessness. + +"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed her guardian, playfully pinching her cheek +and privately surprised at its floury feeling. "What would you say if I +told you that, since our shrewd EDDY retired from the contest, I have +been wishing to see you and our Southern friend here brought to just +such terms as you appear to have reached? What would you say if I added +that, such consummation seeming to be the best you or your friends could +do for yourself, I have determined to deal with you as a daughter, in +the matter of seeing to it that you begin your married life with a +daughter's portion from my own estate?" + +Both the young people had his hands in theirs, on either side of him, in +an instant. + +"There! there!" continued the excellent old gentleman, "don't try to +express yourselves. FLORA, place one of your hands in the breast of my +coat, and draw out the parcel you find there. * * * That's it. The +article it contains once belonged to your mother, my dear, and has been +returned to me by the hands to which I once committed it in the hope +that they would present it to you. I loved your mother well, my child, +but had not enough property at the time to contend with your father. +Open the parcel in private, and be warned by its moral: Better is wilful +waist than woeful want of it." + +It was the stay-lace by which Mrs. POTTS, from too great persistence in +drawing herself up proudly, had perished in her prime. + +"Now come into the open air with me, and let us walk to Central Park," +continued Mr. DIBBLE, shaking off his momentary fit of gloom, "I have +strange things to tell you both. I have to teach you, in justice to a +much-injured man, that we have, in our hearts, cruelly wronged that +excellent and devout Mr. BUMSTEAD, by suspecting him of a crime whereof +he is now proved innocent at least _I_ suspected him. To-morrow night we +must all be in Bumsteadville. I will tell you why as we walk." + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +SOLUTION. + +In the darkness of a night made opaque by approaching showers, a man +stands under the low-drooping branches of the edge of a wood skirting +the cross-road leading down to Gospeler's Gulch. + +"Not enough saved from the wreck even to buy the merciful rope that +should end all my humor and impecuniosity!" he mutters, over his folded +arms and heaving chest. "I have come to this out-of-the-way suburb to +end my miserable days, and not so much as one clothes-line have I seen +yet. There is the pond, however; I can jump into that, I suppose: but +how much more decent were it to make one's quietus under the merry +greenwood tree with a cord--" + +He stops suddenly, holding his breath; and, almost simultaneously with a +sharp, rushing noise in the leaves overhead, something drops upon his +shoulder. He grasps it, cautiously feels of it, and, to his unspeakable +amazement, discovers that it is a rope apparently fastened to the +branches above! + +"Wonderful!" he ejaculates, in an awe-stricken whisper. "Providence +helps a wretch to die, if not to live. At any other time I should think +this very strange, but just now I've got but one thing to do. Here's my +rope, here's my neck, and here goes!" + +Heedless of everything but his dread intention, he rapidly ties the rope +about his throat, and is in the act of throwing forward his whole weight +upon it, when there is a sharp jerk of the rope, he is drawn up about +three feet in the air, and, before he can collect his thoughts, is as +abruptly let down upon his feet again. Simultaneously, a sound almost +like suppressed swearing comes very clearly to his ear, and he is +conscious of something dimly white in the profound darkness, not far +away. + +"Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD," exclaims a deep voice. "I thought the +rope was caught in a crotch; but 'twasn't. Try't once more." + +The astounded hearer feels the rope tugging at his own neck again, and, +with a half comprehension of the situation, calls "Stop!" in a +suffocating voice. + +"Who's there?" comes from the darkness. + +"JEREMY BENTHAM, late proprietor of first-class American Comic +Paper.--Died of Comic Serial.--Want to hang myself," is the jerky reply +from the other side. + +"Got your own rope, sir?" + +"No. One fell down on my shoulders just as I was wishing for it; but it +seems to be too elastic." + +"That's the other end 'f _my_ rope, air," rejoins the second voice, as +in wrath. "I threw't over the branches and thought it had caught, +instead of that it let me down, sir." + +"And drew me up," says Mr. BENTHAM. + +Before another word can be spoken by either, the light of a dark-lantern +is flashed upon them. There is Mr. BUMSTEAD, not three yards from Mr. +BENTHAM; each with an end of the same rope about his neck, and the head +of the former turbaned with a damp towel. + +"Are ye men?" exclaims the deep voice of Mr. MELANCTHON SCHENCK from +behind the lantern, "and would ye madly incur death before having taken +out life-policies in the Boreal?" + +"And would my uncle celebrate my return in this style?" cried still +another voice from the darkness. + +"Who's that spoke just then?" cries the Ritualistic organist. + +The answer comes like the note of a trumpet:-- + +"EDWIN DROOD!" + +At the same instant a great glare of light breaks upon the scene from a +bonfire of tar-barrels, ignited at the higher end of the cross-road by +young SMALLEY; and, to the mingled bewilderment and exasperation of Mr. +BUMSTEAD, the radiance reveals, as in noonday, Mr. SCHENCK and his +long-lost nephew standing before him; and, coming towards them in +festive procession from Gospeler's Gulch. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON with +FLORA on his arm, the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON escorting MAGNOLIA, Mr. +DIBBLE guarding Mrs. SIMPSON, Mr. CLEW'S arm in arm with JOHN +McLAUGHLIN. Father DEAN and Judge SWEENEY, Miss CAROWTHERS, and the +SMYTHES. + +"Trying to hang yourselves!" exclaims Mr. DIBBLE, as the throng gathers +curiously around the two gentlemen of the rope. + +"And my old friend BENTHAM, too!" cries the Gospeler. + +"How perfectly ridiculous!" warbles FLORA. + +Staring majestically from one face to the other, and from thence towards +the illuminating bonfire, Mr. BUMSTEAD, quite unconscious of the +picturesque effect of the towel on his head, deliberately draws an +antique black bottle from his pocket, moistens his lips therewith, +passes it to the Comic Paper man, and eats a clove. + +"What is the meaning of this general intoxication?" he then asks quite +severely. "Why does this mass-meeting, greatly under the influence of +inferior liquor as it plainly is, intrude thus upon the last hours of a +Ritualistic gentleman and a humorous publisher?" + +"Because, Uncle JACK," returns EDWIN DROOD, holding his hands curiously +behind him as he speaks, "this is a night of general rejoicing +Bumsteadville, in honor of my reappearance; and, directed by your +landlord, Mr. SMYTHE, we have come out to make you join in our cheer. We +are all heartily sorry for the great anguish you have endured in +consequence of my unexplained absence. Let me tell you ow it was, as I +have already told all our friends here. You know where you placed me +while you were in your clove-trance, and I was o unbecomingly asleep, on +Christmas night. Well, I was discovered there, in less than three hours +thereafter, by JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, who carried me to his own house, and +there managed to awaken me. Recovering my senses, I was disgusted with +myself, ashamed of what had happened, and anxious to leave +Bumsteadville. I swore 'Old Mortarity' to secrecy--" + +"--Which I have observed," explains MCLAUGHLIN, nodding. + +"--And started immediately for Egypt, in Illinois," continues Mr. DROOD. +"There I went into railroading; am engaged to a nice little girl there; +and came back two days ago to explain myself all around, returning here, +I saw JOHN MCLAUGHLIN first, who told me that a certain Mr. CLEWS was +here to unravel the Mystery about me, and persuaded me to let Mr. CLEWS +work you into another visit to the cellar the Pauper Burial Ground, and +there appear to you as my own ghost, before finally revealing myself as +I now do." + +The glassy eyes of the Ritualistic organist are fixed upon him in a most +uncomfortable manner, but no comment comes. + +"And I, Mr. BUMSTEAD," says the old lawyer, "must apologize to you for +having indulged a wrong suspicion. Possibly you were rather rash in +charging everybody else with assassination and larceny, and offering to +marry my ward upon the strength of her dislike to you; but we'll say no +more of those things now. Miss POTTS has consented to become Mrs. +PENDRAGON; Miss PENDRAGON is the betrothed of Rev. Mr. SIMPSON,--" + +"--Miss CAROWTHERS honors me with a matrimonial preference," +interpolates Judge SWEENEY, gallantly bowing to that spinster.-- + +"--Breachy Mr. BLODGETT!" sighs the lady, to herself.-- + +"--And three weddings will help us to forget everything but that which +is bright and pleasant," concludes the lawyer. + +Next steps to the front Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, with his surprising head of +hair, and archly remarks: + +"I believe you take me for a literary man, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"What is that to me, sir? _I've_ no money to lend," returns the +organist, with marked uneasiness. + +"To tell you the truth," proceeds the author of "The Amateur Detective," +--"to tell you the whole truth, I have been playing the detective with +you by order of Mr. DIBBLE, and hope you will excuse my practice upon +you." + +"He is my clerk," explains Mr. DIBBLE. + +Whereupon Mr. TRACEY CLEWS dexterously whips off his brush of red hair, +and stands revealed as Mr. BLADAMS. + +Merely waiting to granulate one more clove, Mr. BUMSTEAD settles the +rope about his neck anew, squints around under the wet towel in a +curiously ghastly manner, and thus addresses the meeting:-- + +"Ladies and gen'l'men--I've listened to y'r impudence with patience, and +on any other 'casion would be happy to see y'all safe home. At present, +however, Mr. BENTHAM and I desire to be left alone, if 'ts all th' same +t' you. You can come for the bodies in th' morning." + +"BENTHAM! BENTHAM!" calls the Gospeler, "I can't see you acting in that +way, old friend. Come home with me to-night, and we'll talk of starting +a Religious Weekly together. That's your only successful American Comic +Paper." + +"By Jove! so it is!" bawls JEREMY BENTHAM, like one possessed. "I never +thought of that before! I'm with you, my boy." And, hastily slipping the +rope from his neck, he hurries to his friend's side. + +"And you, Uncle JACK--look at this!" exclaims Mr. E. DROOD, bringing +from behind his back and presenting to the melancholy organist a thing +that looks, at first glance, like an incredibly slim little black girl, +headless, with no waist at all, and balanced on one leg. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD reaches for it mechanically; a look of intelligence comes +into his glassy eyes; then they fairly flame. + +"ALLIE!" he cries, dancing ecstatically. + +It is the Umbrella--old familiar bone-handle, brass ferrule--in a +bran-new dress of alpaca! + +All gaze at him with unspeakable emotion, as, with the rope cast from +him, he pats his dear old friend, opens her half way, shuts her again, +and the while smiles with ineffable tenderness. + +Suddenly a shriek--the voice of FLORA--breaks the silence:-- + +"It rains!--oh, my complexion!" + +"Rains?" thunders the regenerated BUMSTEAD, in a tone of inconceivable +triumph. "So it does. Now then, ALLIE, do your duty;" and, with a softly +wooing, hospitable air, he opens the umbrella and holds it high over his +head. + +By a common instinct they all swarm in upon him, craning their heads far +over each other's shoulders to secure a share of the Providential +shelter. The glare of the great bonfire falls upon the scene; the rain +pours down in torrents: they crowd in upon him on all sides, until what +was once a stately Ritualistic man resembles some tremendous monster +with seventeen wriggling bodies, thirty-four legs, and an alpaca canopy +above all. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +THE RACE OF THE DAUNTLESS AND CAMBRIA. + +Punchinello's Sporting Special went down to Sandy Hook last week to +supervise the race between the _Dauntless_ and the _Cambria_. The affair +was consequently a great success. + +Attired in white corduroy breeches, a blue velvet waistcoat, and a light +boating-jacket of yellow flannel, your reporter left the Battery at 6 +hrs. 22 m, and 5 secs, on Friday morning, and steamed slowly down the +bay in the editorial row-boat _Punchinelletto_, which was manned by an +individual of remarkable oar-acular powers. So highly was he gifted +indeed in this respect, that your special was enabled to predict the +result of the aquatic gambols with perfect accuracy, as it afterward +appeared. Having got the yachts in position, he gave Messrs. BENNETT and +ASHBURY an audience, in which it was settled by your representative +that, owing to a split in the _Cambria's_ club-topsail, both parties +should carry their block-headed jibs; and the contest was begun. + +In his anxiety to see fair play, however, your reporter at first +innocently took the lead, shooting off, at the given signal, far in +advance of the two yachts. His surprise was therefore great when the +latter suddenly hove to on their beam-ends, and declared an armistice, +to permit of Mr. ASHBURY'S publishing the following: + +_Card_. + +Much as I appreciate the kindness and attention extended to me on all +previous occasions in these waters, I must still politely insist that +the _Punchinelletto_ relinquish her natural and perhaps unavoidable +tendency to take the wind out of everybody's sails, and submit to remain +in the wake of these yachts during the continuance of the race. And I +hereby challenge all fast-sailing yachts of over 100 tons burthen, and +under 50, to a 15-mile race dead to windward and back again alive. + +(Signed) ASHBURY. + +Upon this your reporter manned the yard-arms, fired a salute of 100 +guns, and directed the Oar-acular to back water; thereby giving the +_Dauntless_ the lead, which she retained up to the end of the race. By +the clever management of her Tacks she succeeded in completely Nailing +the _Cambria_. On the home-stretch, however, the latter began "eating +up" on her to such an alarming degree, that it was feared the provisions +of the Dauntless would not hold out. By putting the crew on half-rations +of champagne and sponge-cake this awful calamity was averted. + +Excited by the presence of danger, your reporter forgot his habitual +caution, and giving his Oar-ist a hearing, made all sail for the +mark-boat. The tow-line was passed from the bows aft, and there attached +to the boat-hook, held by your representative. Upon this impromptu +clothes-line was crowded all the canvas, velvet, linen, and other +dry-goods appertaining to the gallant captain and his self-sacrificing +crew. The latter gentleman might have been seen under this gay cloud of +drapery working fitfully but energetically to and fro. But 't was all in +vain! The _Dauntless_ passed the mark-boat, and the race was won. Won? +But by whom? + +The daily papers, with their usual inaccuracy, have made it appear that +the _Dauntless_ was the winner, but among thinking men there is but one +opinion in regard to the matter, an opinion fully explained and +corroborated in the following, published by Mr. ASHBURY, immediately on +the _Punchinelletto_ passing the mark-boat: + +_Card_. + +I take this opportunity of saying that whatever misunderstanding may +have arisen in the early part of this race as to the position of the +_Punchinelletto_, it is now but just to admit that she has shown herself +worthy, both in point of speed and management, to take rank among the +first-class yachts of the fleet, and I hereby challenge, &c., &c. + +(Signed) ASHBURY. + +This was further supplemented by a + +_Card_ from Mr. BENNETT. + +In token of my concurrence in the brilliant success of the +_Punchinelletto_, and my personal esteem for her commander, I hereby +beg to place at his disposal my yacht _Dauntless_, together with all her +stores, ordnance, by-laws, and small arms. + +(Signed) BENNETT. + +In reply to both of which your reporter circulated the following: + +_Reply_. + +It is my express desire that no public mention shall be made of the part +by which the _Dauntless_ was permitted apparently to win the race. It is +the duty of him who might have been victor to display a magnanimous +spirit to those who in that case would have been the vanquished. I must, +however, regret that circumstances of a peculiar nature prevent my +availing myself of Mr. BENNETT's kind offer. Though this will not stand +in the way of my accepting with pleasure--nay, even with alacrity--the $250 +silver cup appointed for the winner of to-day's race, as the just meed +of one who, though of a naturally retiring disposition, is forced on the +present occasion to acknowledge himself _facile princeps_. + +(Signed) Sporting Spec, _vice_ PUNCHINELLO. + +After waiting for Mr. BENNETT'S gig, or water-buggy, to row up and award +the prize, your special nodded majestically to the Oar-acular, who +thereupon steamed slowly up the bay again, arriving at the Battery in +the rosy dawn. + + * * * * * + +PRUSSIA'S POSITION PHILOSOPHICALLY PUT. + +German metaphysicians have settled so completely to the satisfaction of +their countrymen that "being" and "not being" are identical, that this +may serve to explain how, while holding possession of her share in the +partition of Poland, Prussia professes to be virtuously indignant at +France for retaining Alsace and Lorraine. + + * * * * * + +OUT OF THE PAN INTO THE FIRE. + +What with BISMARCK'S pangerrmanism, the CZAR'S panslavism, NAPOLEON'S +panlatinism, the spread of pantheism, the threatened metamorphosis +of pantalettes into pantaloons, ANDREWS' pantarchy, and +Fox's pantomime, the old régime seems going precipitately to pot. + + * * * * * + +A JUDICIOUS JEW. + +Such was the one who wished to contract for the sweepings of Steinway +Hall when he heard that NILSSON showered throughout the room +her precious tones. + + * * * * * + +EXIT "SUN." + +The newsboys in the streets no longer cry _The Sun_, with stentorian +voices, but in gentle whispers, fearing to disturb the repose of that +waning luminary. + + * * * * * + +TAPPING THE TILL. + +Is there any connection between the quite common offence in New +York of "tapping the till," and the nomination of a Mr. TAPPAN for +Comptroller by the JOHN REAL Democracy? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS + +Pretty _Fräulein_ Margarat asks me to go to church with her. She is not +a New Yorker--or, as Webster would probably say,--a New Yorkeress. She +is rural in her ways and thoughts, a daisy of the fields. Never having +seen the interior of a city church, she asks me to go with her to any +Protestant church that I may select. So we go to the shrine of St. +APOLLOS, which, I am told, is regarded as one of the most fashionable +houses in the city. + +It is a matinee service that we elect to attend. A long procession of +carriages is drawn up beside the building as we enter, and I recognize +in the coachmen the familiar faces that wait outside the ACADEMY on +opera nights. The organ overture is already begun, and the audience is +rapidly assembling. We enter the parquette--I should say, the body of +the church--and, standing in picturesque attitudes against the wall, +wait for the coming of the usher. We continue to wait. Evidently the +usher, in common with his kind, despises those who are not holders of +reserved seats. He welcomes with a smile the owners of private +boxes--pews, I mean--and shows them politely up the aisle; but for us, +who have not even an order from the mana--, sexton, I should say--he +has neither smile nor glance. + +By and by I pluck up courage and pluck him by the sleeve. So, with a +severe air of suppressed indignation, he shows us to a couple of +ineligible seats, where the draft disarranges MARGARET'S hair, and the +charity children drop books of the op--, that is to say, prayer-books, +and molasses candy in unpleasant proximity to our helpless feet. + +Neither MARGARET nor I possess a libret--, a prayer-book I mean. +However, that is a matter of no consequence, as we are both familiar +with the dialog--, or rather the service. The organist having ended his +overture, the service begins. Not even the wretched method of the +tenor--I refer of course to the clerk--and his miserably affected +execution of the recitative passages, can mar the beauty of the words. +The audience evidently feels their solemn import. The young lady and the +young male person who sit immediately in front of me clasp surreptitious +hands as they bow their heads to repeat the confession that they are +miserable sinners, and she whispers by no means softly to him of the +"frightful bonnets the SMITH girls have on." Presently the recitative of +the clerk is succeeded by a contest in chanting--probably for the +championship--by two rival choruses of shrill-voiced boys, who hurl +alternate verses of the Psalms at one another with the fiercest +intensity. MARGARET is betrayed into an inadvertent competition with +them, by reading a verse aloud, as had been her custom elsewhere, but +the charity children smile aloud at her, and the usher frowns, so she +sits down again with reddened cheeks. + +I say to her, "that this choir contest is an excellent feature, one that +is sure to draw." But she answers nothing, and busily reads the +libret--, the psalm, to herself. + +Then comes the litany. And here again MARGARET betrays her rural habits, +by repeating audibly the first response, thus encroaching on the +province of the choir-boys, who have now united, and form a fine and +powerful chorus, less picturesque perhaps than the Druidical chorus in +the first act of _Norma_, but quite as religious in its effect. After +which comes a hymn, executed by a soprano, who is really a deserving +little girl, and whom I little expected to find doing the leading +business in a first-class church, when I first saw her in the chorus at +the Stadt Theatre, seven years ago. MARGARET, warned by experience, does +not venture to interfere with the singing, to the evident disappointment +of the usher, who is watching her with the intention, plainly expressed +on his face, of peremptorily putting her out, if she sings a single +note. Then comes a recitation of the commandments by the leading male +perfor--, that is to say, by the rector, supported by the double chorus, +and the orches--, the organ, I should say; and then we have the sermon. + +I like the sermon. It is delivered with admirable effect, and is, on the +whole, more soothing than the average syrup of the apocryphal Mrs. +WINSLOW. The rector compliments us all on our many virtues, and +contrasts us with the supposititious sinners who are presumed to abound +somewhere in the vicinity of rival houses. The middle-aged men evidently +feel that he will make no mistake worth noticing, and so go to sleep as +calmly as though they were at BOOTH'S THEATRE. The middle-aged ladies +contemplate the dresses of their neighbors, and the young people flirt +with cautious glances. When the curtain--when it is over, I mean--we go +cheerfully away, like an audience that has slept through a Shakesperean +play, and feels that it has done its duty. And when we are once more in +the street, I say to MARGARET: "This has been a delightful performance. +There has been nothing said to make one feel disagreeably discontented +with one's self, nor has there been any impolite suggestions as to the +undesirable future of anybody, except the low wretches who, of course, +don't go to any church. How much better this is than the solemn service, +and, the unpleasantly personal sermons that we used to hear at your +little rural church." + +MARGARET.--"I do not like it. Why should boys be hired to pray, and +women to sing for me? Why should I be told by the preacher that I am +perfectly good, when I have just confessed that I am a 'miserable +sinner?' Why do you call this service religious, and Rip Van Winkle +theatrical? Believe me, St. APOLLOS deserves a place among your 'Plays +and Shows' quite as much as does BOOTH'S or WALLACK'S."' + +And I to her--"St. APOLLOS shall take its proper place in PUNCHINELLO'S +show. But permit me to say that you are very unreasonable. What do you +go to church for? To be made uncomfortable and dissatisfied with +yourself?" + +MARGARET,--"To be made better." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A PASTOR ON POLITICS. + +The Reverend Mr. CREAMCHEESE congratulated the hearers of his last +sermon upon the encouraging religious aspects of the time, remarking how +pleasant it was in this fall season to find all the political parties in +the country so interested in making their election sure. We maybe +mistaken, but we think the Rev. gentleman's zeal outruns his discretion. +The preying of politicians is of a kind which we trust the clergy will +never seek to imitate; but now that Congress has undertaken to supervise +this matter of election, there no knowing what it may become in the +future. + + * * * * * + +AN EVASIVE REPLY. + +A Correspondent suggests that in No. 30 our artist has given Mr. C. A. +DANA, in representing him as refusing a bribe with virtuous indignation, +a two-cent-imental an expression. In reply, Mr. PUNCHINELLO--although +his own opinion is that the mistake has been in making it rather +dollar-ous than cent-imental--would refer his correspondent to the +artist. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR SOL-UTION. + +Is it a fact that, because _Sol_ is the Latin for _Sun_, being on the +_Sun_ is therefore equivalent to being a SOLON? + + * * * * * + +TO THE DIPLOMATISTS OF THE HUB. + +Whether the Boston dip is a penny one or not, it is nevertheless +scandalous. + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + + +CANTO IX. + + Rub-a-dub, dub, + Three men in a tub, + The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick-Maker, + They all jumped into a rotten potato. + +Behold the gentle Poet, now in the midst of the tumult of war. How +calmly he surveys from his elevated position the situation of the hosts +and the signs of the times. He hears the drums beat and the bugle call +to arms, and his soul is filled with martial ardor. Unable to wield the +sword, he seizes his poetical pen, resolved to become the Chronicler and +Historian of the war, and thus add his little mite for the improvement +of future generations. He decided that it must be characteristic, and in +keeping in style with his other productions: short, pithy, and +comprehensive; simple and amusing enough for a child; deep and sarcastic +enough for the most astute mind. + +He begins by describing in graphic style the sounds that first struck on +his ear and fired his manly soul--the beat of the rolling drum. Then +comes a description of the terrible conflict that occurred in his native +village, between the three most prominent men of the day. This, not to +be too verbose, he simply likens to being "in a tub." + +BILLY the butcher, stout, red-faced, and pugilistic, with his particular +friend MARC the baker, having become jealous of the beautiful shop and +immense patronage of JOHNNY the candlestick-maker, resolve to put an end +to it in some way, even if they have to fight him. + +That showy candlestick shop, with its gay trimmings and beautiful +ornaments, open every day before their face and eyes, and attracting +crowds of idlers who stand gazing in at the windows, or lounging around +the doors, is a little too much for the Butcher, who in vain displays +before his door the fresh-cut meat and the tempting sausage. True, he +has plenty of customers; but they come because they need what he has to +sell; they come of necessity, not for pleasure. The Baker experiences +the same vexation, as he sees his loaves passed by and mockingly made +light of. + +They bear awhile in silent envy the annoying sight of the rollicking +crowd and the joyful JOHNNY with his troop of apprentices, who have all +they can possibly do to attend to their numerous customers, and who +receive their broad pieces of money with a careless ease that makes the +fingers of the lookers-on tingle. + +At last human nature can stand it no longer. The two malicious +storekeepers put their heads together, and resolve to draw their +prosperous enemy into a fight that will ruin him and enable them to +smash his windows. Accordingly, they throw stones and dirt at him, but +he, intently interested in his store, notices them not. His noisy +apprentices and loungers around see and point out the insult, and urge +him to avenge himself. But no; he has no time to pay attention to petty +annoyances; he is too busy getting up a huge candlestick for the Fair, +and so, to smooth matters over, he sends his two enemies an invitation +to view the magnificent candlestick that is to throw so much light on +the world. + +"He is either too stupid or too sharp for us," sighs the Baker; "we +can't do anything in that way. Suppose we set up an opposition store, +with one of your sons for Proprietor, and see what effect that will +have."--"Good, it shall be done," says the Butcher. + +Soon an empty store adjoining is hired, and being put in order, when the +hitherto blind Proprietor wakes up to the fact that there is a coalition +against him, and that he had better be stirring or he will lose his +trade. Accordingly he writes a remonstrance to his friend the Butcher, +telling him "he wishes no rival in the trade. He has always had a +monopoly, and he intends to keep it." His apprentices back him up in his +assertions, and declare they are ready to die for him and their +candlesticks. The advent of the messenger is noticed with inward +rejoicing by the twain, but, when he presents his remonstrance, he is +immediately kicked out of doors. + +That is the last feather, the one straw too much, and the excitable +little Candlestick-maker at once challenges his opponents to deadly +combat. + +The Poet, with a sublime contempt for the mysterious and wonderful +intricacies of war, significantly calls this rush to arms a "jumping +into a rotten potato." + +Alas! it proves a rotten potato to the poor Candlestick-maker. Out +sallies the Butcher with his cleaver, and his boys with their knives, +and by his side the Baker with his rolling-pin, followed by his crowd of +friends armed with toasting-forks and cutting-irons, presenting a +formidable front to the astonished JOHNNY and his handful of +apprentices. + +But there is no back-door to creep out through now; so at it they go, +Valor against Might, but Might is the stronger, and Valor gets knocked +on the head and has to fall back. This exasperates the heroic defenders +of the shop, who exclaim, "If you can't fight any better than that, you +had better leave," and immediately begin an attack in his rear. + +The poor man, astonished at this unlooked-for defection from his ranks, +turns his eyes imploringly around for aid, but sees none that can avail +him. He hears on all sides the shout, "Clear out, clear out. If you +can't win the battle for yourself, we will win it for ourselves, and +keep the spoils." Sadly he views the situation; he feels the kicks of +the Candlestick-makers in the rear, and he knows there is no hope for +him. But his beloved store! he will save that if he can; he will offer +himself as a sacrifice. + +With compressed lips he walks to the Butcher, and says, "You have got +the best of me; I'll give in. Stop the fighting." BILLY, overjoyed at +the victory, embraces him, and is about to give the order for retreat, +when the wily Baker whispers, "The shop is there yet, and it is that +that troubles us as much as the man. Let us keep at it till we demolish +it, and thus put a stop to all future controversy. After killing the old +fox, don't leave a nest of young ones to grow up and bite us. What is +their loss is our gain, you know. Do you understand?" "Yah, Yah!" + + * * * * * + +Latest from Below. + +An unsophisticated young imp, who had not long been in Hades, was +cowering over a small fire in a distant corner, endeavoring to keep from +freezing, when his Impious Majesty himself heard the youth +soliloquizing: "When will LIE BIG, the editor of the _Sun_, keep me +company?" "You blockhead!" exclaimed his Majesty, "LIE BIG, the editor +of the _Sun_, is not coming back for some time; he is of more service to +me on earth, making converts for my jurisdiction, than the public are +probably aware." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENGAGEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. + +Perhaps it is not generally known that Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY desires to +leave one field only that she may enter another; in other words, that +the lady contemplates marriage. Our authority is uncertain whether the +prospective groom is one of our border aborigines or an ex-Fenian leader +of noted gallantry. We have, however, ventured upon the following sketch +illustrative, in advance, of the reception, and which, in the absence of +more explicit information, we may as well call-- + +ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRICK.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CARPET GENERAL. + +_Brigadier-General Woodford_. "DEAR ME, WHAT A DISAGREEABLE SMELL! +WONDER WHAT IT CAN BE?" + +_Lady_. "OH! THAT'S GUNPOWDER, GENERAL." + +_Brigadier-General Woodford_. "GUNPOWDER?--AW! IS IT? NEVER SMELT +ANYTHING OF THE KIND BEFAW."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE. + +EDITOR OF PUNCHINELLO: Sir:--I am the young lady, travelling in New +Jersey (perhaps they will next make a crime of _that_!), and mentioned +in a recent paragraph as having been asked by a person (called a _man_) +"if _this_ was ELIZABETH?" + +I insist, Sir, that I was right in resenting, as I did, the impudent +familiarity of this person (called a _man_), who, after sitting for an +hour or two in perfect silence (having first intruded himself into the +seat beside me without making any kind of apology), abruptly turns to me +and says, "Is _this_ ELIZABETH?" + +I insist, Sir, that I was right in asking the ruffian what he meant. +Consider the abruptness, Sir, of this question--this selfish question, +as it turned out, after a grim and gruff silence of an hour and a +quarter. Could not this unamiable person (called a _man_), have prepared +me for it by a few moments' affable conversation? Why should he dare +intrude his "Is this ELIZABETH?" with such brutal abruptness? Not a +sudden proposal from one of my numerous suitors could have startled me +more. + +Look at the question, Sir, as pointing at my supposed Christian name (I +_have_ one, but it is _not_ ELIZABETH, nor yet ELIZA); can you imagine +anything more odiously familiar? "Well known for his mild and gentle +disposition" this "gentleman" of Brooklyn may be; but there was no +mildness, no gentleness this time, I assure you! The language alone +proves _that_! + +The rudeness was all the more shocking and discomposing, from the fact +that I was at that moment contemplating the elegant features of a +gentleman at the other end of the car, who seemed not altogether +indifferent to my appearance (which he would have been, perhaps, had I +seemed of "uncertain age," as the low fellow observes who wrote this +paragraph), and there was every appearance of a growing interest in two +susceptible hearts, when this cold-blooded (but "mild and gentle") +person launched his brutal interrogatory, so selfish and unfeeling, with +such violent abruptness. + +Look, if you will, Sir, at the question as referring purely to the city +which we were approaching. How did I know that my new found, but already +dear friend was not about to alight (as, indeed, he seemed to be), and +leave me to the disgusting society of this "mild and gentle" barbarian +sitting beside me in such a state of stolid indifference, and thinking +only of a vulgar town, and his still more vulgar affairs in that town! + +Consider again, Sir, the audacity of this person (called a _man_), in +repeating his odious question after the rebuke I had administered! Yes, +he actually repeated it! as though I were a long-lost acquaintance, of +whose identity he felt more than doubtful; I simply said to him (though +the slanderous report says I _screamed_ it), "You may think you are a +gentleman, Sir" (and here I claim is evinced a disposition to be fair +even to an enemy)--"you may _think_ you are a gentleman, Sir, to address +a lady so; but I do not wish to continue any further talk with you." + +You may fancy the state of my feelings, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, at being +obliged to make this little speech, and my friend at the other end of +the car looking on, with wonder in every one of his expressive features, +and the conductor at that instant coming in and shouting, "ELIZABETH!" +as though I were called for and must go that very instant. Indeed, I +felt very much like doing so--but not, I assure you, on perceiving that +the "mild and gentle" ogre I have been speaking of was already going +out. No; I was thankful I was going further, though the behavior of the +remaining passengers was not calculated to inspire me with a very +quieting sense of ease. + +You will, I am sure, excuse the feelings of a lady who has been insulted +by a ruffianly person (called a _man_), and affronted by a car-full of +insolent and vulgar mob, called the American Public. I hope the +gentleman at the other end of the car will take for granted that _he_ +was not one of this brutal mob. + +Yours, with much feeling, + +MEDORA EUPHEMIA SLAPSADDLE. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MOTTO OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY.--O'BRIEN, +LED--WITH a hook. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL CAT'S-PAW. JOCKO WOODFORD MAKES TOMCAT +LEDWITH USEFUL FOR PULLING THE ROASTED CHESTNUTS OFF THE FIRE.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN INTERVIEWS HORACE GREELEY. + + +Some unpublished Facts--H.G. of the Tribune reveals to H.G. of +Punchinello what he Knows of Farming. + + +"H. G. OF THE _Tribune_, I believe," said I, reaching out and taking his +lilly-white hand, one Saturday mornin at Chattaqua. + +"Jess so," said he, politely, "and this is H.G. of PUNCHINELLO. We're a +helthy team at writin' comic essays--eh! Squire?" And the hills, dales, +and barn-yards resounded with our innercent prattle. + +"My bizziness, Mister GREELEY, is to see if you know as much about +agricoltural economy as you do about politikle economy. As I useter say +to culprits, who was bein tried before me when I was Gustise of the +Peece, you needent say nothin which will criminate yourself." + +"Well, my lerned friend," said he, hily pleased at my happy way of +puttin' things, "foller me, and I'le show you what farmin on scientific +prenciples can do for a man." + +Arm in arm we sailed forth, as gay and festiv as a pair of turkle +doves--HORRIS with his panterloons stuffed in his bute legs, and the +undersined with his specturcals adjusted on his nose. + +"Do you see that piece of land over yender?" said he, pintin to a strip +of 10 akers. "That was a worthless swamp two yeer ago. For $15,000.00 I +made it what it is, and to-day, I'me proud to say it, my farm is worth +$1,750.00 more, with that 10 akers under cultivation, than it was before +I drained it." + +"HORRIS," said I, wishin to humor him, "as an economist, this shows your +brains is in the rite spot." + +He then took me in his garden, and showed me what his success in the +sass bizziness had been. "Do you see that 10 aker bed?" said he. "Well! +last fall I saw a lot of pie plant growing in a wild state. I said +nothin to nobody, but when it got ripe I saved the seed. This spring I +planted that patch of ground with it, anticipatin the biggest crop of +pie timber in the State. And, sir, jest as sartin as this white hat was +once new," said he, pintin to his old plade out shappo, "when that stuff +grode to maturity, I sent a cart lode down to the market, and it was all +sent back with a note, statin that burdocks wasn't worth a cuss for +pies. But," said he, takin me by the button-hole, "no man can fool me +agin on pie timber." + +"As a farmer, HORRIS," said I, so as to keep the rite side of him, "your +ekal hasent been hatched." + +He then shode me the remains of a young orchird; said he: "The borers +got into the roots of them trees, which trees cost me, within the last +two yeer, about $5,000.00. I tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them. +I even set my hired man to readin artikles on 'What I know of farmin' to +'em. This put the grubs to sleep 'long at first, but they finally stopt +their ears up with clay, and wouldent listen. So that dodge was plade +out. I then bought a lot of ile of vitril and poured it about the roots +of them trees, and I tell you, friend GREEN," said he, as tickled as a +boy with his first pair of new boots, "it would have made you laff to +see them borers moosey." + +"But," said I, "it killed them trees deader'n a smelt." + +"Which don't amount to shucks, so long as the cause of sientific farmin +is benifitted, by showin bugs that the superior critter man is too many +meesles for the animile kingdom," was his reply. + +"Them trees over there," said this distingished farmer, "was a present +to me. They come marked _pine_ trees. It is over three yeers since they +was sot out, and not a solitary _pine apple_ have they yielded yet. I +reckon it takes time for them to bear fruit," said he in his simplisity. + +"Not only time," said I, somewhat surprised, "but if you live through +all etarnity, you won't see a darned apple on them trees." + +"But, Squire GREEN," said he, with a downcast air, "H. WARD BEECHER says +pine apples grows on pine trees, and as long as brother B. spends all +his salary in edicatin hisself for a farmer, he orter know." + +"Brother fiddlesticks," said I, a little riled at hearin him cote H.W.B. +as a farmist. "HANK is a 4 hoss team at raisin food for the sowl; but +when you come to depend on sich chaps to raise grub and other vegetables +for the stomack, excoose me for sayin it, it haint H. WARD'S fort, no +more'n it is mine to outsing NILLSON for the beer." + +We entered his poultry yard. + +"You're old peaches on raisin fouls, I've been told," said I. + +"Ker-r-rect," said he, "chickens is my best holt. Last spring I had a +favorite speckled hen--she was the specklest biped which ever wore +feathers. One day, I sot her on 300 eggs. That fowl done her level best +and spread evry feather, but she hadent enuff elasticity to cover so +much territory at one settin." + +"Well, sir," said he, straitenin his form, up to its full hite, "Sients +come to my ade. I got a feather bed, and with a glue pot bilt out that +hen's spread." + +"What," I says, "the hen dident hatch all them eggs?" + +"Not exsactly," was his reply; "she would have hatched every egg, +but--but--but--," and he broke down and bust into teers. + +"But--why?" I asked, soothin his perturbed spirrit. + +"She had a great deal of pride that hen did. She was terribly stuck up. +Just as she got settled down for a good square old-fashioned set, she +was so proud of her position, that somehow or other, it struck _in_ and +killed her." + +We visited his barn, which was chock full of farmin tools. Said he: + +"It is allers a mistery to peeple how I make farmin pay, but, Squire, +between you and I, heer's where I reckon I've got 'em. Where I loses in +other branches I make up heer. Any and everybody which invents a farmin +masheen sends me one, and I gives them a puff. Every 30 days I gets up a +bee, to which I invites the nabors. With hammers we knock them masheens +to pieces, and, sir!" said he, blowin his bugle horn of liberty with his +cote sleeve, "as the Roman mother once said, 'these is my tressoors,' +for, sure's your born, the sales of old iron more'n pays runnin my farm, +losses and all." + +The shades of nite was a fallin, so thankin H.G. for posten me up on his +farmin nolidge, I left him, with my mind fully made up, that, with the +Filosifer, the _pen_ was a heep site mitier in his hand than a farm is, +in which opinion any well-bred, onprejodiced farmer will fall into. +Ewers farminly, + +HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +"AT A PRIVATE THEATRE IN THIS CITY MR. J--N SM--TH RECENTLY MADE HIS +_début_ AS _Rolla_, AND CREATED A MARKED SENSATION."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEWMAN FUND. + +About seventy of the artists connected with the illustrated press of +this city and Boston have contributed drawings for the benefit of the +family of the late WILLIAM NEWMAN, formerly one of the designers of the +London _Punch_, and who for the last ten years held a prominent position +among the graphic artists of this city. To this move on the part of +kindred spirits, PUNCHINELLO cries "Bravo!" The kindly worker who has +passed away from our midst would have been foremost himself in moving +thus when death or sickness had fallen upon a brother of his guild. To +aid his family, then, in the manner proposed, is the best tribute than +can be paid to his memory. Due notice will be given of the arrangements +for exhibiting and disposing of the contributed pictures, to possess +some of which, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will be a matter of emulation with his +New York readers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR BAD CHILDREN ON THE BORDER. + +_Missionary_. "AND IT CAME TO PASS THAT CAIN WAS WROTH WITH ABEL, HIS +BROTHER, AND ROSE UP AGAINST HIM AND SLEW HIM." + +_Comanche Warrior_. "HOW! HOW!--GOOD!--CAIN RED MAN, EH?--ABEL WHITE +MAN?--HOW! HOW! CAIN GET ABEL'S SCALP--GOOD!"] + + * * * * * + +VENUS AND ADONIS + +An Eclogue of the Period. + +(Respectfully dedicated to the ladies of the Free-love Pantarchy.) + +_Venus._ + + Adonis, sweet, hide not thy blushing face: + What terrors masculine thy soul abash? + And why with boyish pout dost mar the grace + Of maiden lip and innocent moustache? + +_Adonis._ + + O you dry up! I tell you. I'll be cussed + If I'm a-going to stand such pesky bother + From you strong-minded gals. And, what's the wust, + I darn't touch ye.--G'long, 'r I'll tell your mother! + +_Venus._ + + And feel'st thou then no solemn intuition-- + No subtle psychological vibration-- + Or instant, full, spontaneous recognition + Of my pantarchic self-annunciation? + + For love is free, and mutual reaction + Of kindred organisms airily + Subsists and ceases, as 't gives satisfaction: + We change with changes of affinity. + +_Adonis._ + + Now just look here, you don't sponge no love free + At this here shop: it's stealing,--that's the sin it is! + What's more, too, if you want to hang 'round _me_ + You'd better just play light on them affinities! + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM THE "HUB." + +THE BOSS TOWN OF NEW ENGLAND, + + October 1870 times. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Hailing (not to say reigning) from this august (and +all the year round) place, I naturally feel privileged to pour my +troubles into your ears, with doubts as to their length. [Length of +what, troubles or ears?--ED.] + +The fact is, no man was ever treated so badly or so seldom as I have +been. Others have "waked up" and found themselves famous. I've practised +waking for years, and never found myself in fame, or anything else, +excepting energetic "tailors' bills," and an occasional square meal. + +Thirsting for renown, I have coined my wealth of brains into one +transcending effort, and amid much travail of genius, and travel of paw +to pate, have produced the following + +ORIGINAL LINES, + +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- + +* * * * * * + +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- + +which I dedicate to the late Political Convention, as embodying the +principles there adopted, with this difference, that, while their +Resolutions have no point, my resolution enables me to make two points +in every line. + +While I'm not in the proverb business, I have a couple on hand that are +getting mouldy, so I send 'em along. + +"Once go to grass, and your enemies will soon make a hey-day over you." + +"Get all you can, and can all you get." + +But that reminds me of a Beautiful Tale:-- + +Deacon K---- lacked the confidence of the inhabitants of M----. He was +most sincerely detested for his hypocrisy and double-dealing, and so +very unpopular, that a few wags conceived the idea of drawing up a paper +requesting him to leave town. + +Once endorsed by two or three respectable names, the joke took; the +paper circulated like wildfire and soon contained every business name in +the place. + +A most horrible position to occupy in respect to one's neighbors. + +But the Deacon was a genius in his way. Getting possession of the +document, he adroitly changed the heading, and behold! the intended +rebuke was transformed into a humble petition to the President that +Deakon K---- be appointed Postmaster of M----. In due time the +appointment came, much to the consternation and chagrin of the +villagers. + +The position was held one season in spite of all opposition; but the +Deacon did not prosper in the end, for after wandering about the streets +of New York a miserable outcast, he naturally drifted on to the +editorial staff of the _Sun_. The End. + +Trusting, my dear 'NELLO, you will give me a good setting-up, and cast +my lines in pleasant places, I remain, + +Yours in fun, + +S. R. DEEN. + + * * * * * + +TIMELY. + +They now put little watches on the outside of portemonnaies and +cigar-cases. There has been doubt expressed as to the value of these +time-pieces; but if they go as certainly as the money and the cigars, +they will do very well. + + * * * * * + +HEAVY. + +There is now a strike among the blacksmiths, and as the men have already +come down very heavily, it is supposed it will be successful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES. + +WHEN YOU HAVE NEW DRESSES OR BONNETS TO SHOW, ALWAYS GO LATE TO CHURCH, +SO THAT THERE MAY BE A FULL CONGREGATION TO PLAY OFF YOUR AIRS AND +GRACES UPON.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCHINELLO'S POLITICAL MANUAL. + +I. QUALIFICATIONS OF A VOTER. + +Now and then Mr. PUNCHINELLO has noticed (with infinite scorn and +contempt) all the stuff and nonsense published in the newspapers about +registry and inspection, about citizenship and twenty-one years of age, +and other games and devices of that soft sort. The qualifications of a +voter may be stated with severe and scientific accuracy, as follows:-- + +_Ubiquity._--By this is to be understood the power, not of _being_, but +of _belonging_ in from six to twelve Wards at the same time. Analogous +to this is the capacity of being at once a subject of VICTORIA REGINA +and a loyal citizen of the United States--a talent most exquisitely +developed in the Hibernian nature. + +_Receptivity_.--This may be divided into two classes, as follows:-- + +1. The material power, which is that of receiving from any candidate any +sum of money which, the said ass of a candidate may be willing to pay +for a vote. + +2. The spiritual power, which is that of imbibing, at the expense of the +aforesaid candidate, any number of fluid pounds of anything good to +take, whether the same may be punches, cock-tails, smashes, slings, or +plain drinks. + +_Pugnacity_.--This is a quality by no means to be lightly spoken of, +especially in a District represented by that eminent warrior, the Hon. +Mr. MORRISSEY. Our fathers fought, bled, and died for liberty, and the +least an independent citizen can do is to be willing to fight and bleed +(and even he "kilt") in the same behalf. There is a difference, however, +between dying and being "kilt," which we need not point out to those +noble champions of liberty who are also of the Celtic persuasion. + +II. QUALIFICATIONS OF AN EDITOR. + +_Mendacity_.--This is a talent mainly developed in the manipulation of +election returns. But it may be exhibited in various other ways. Here, +for instance, is an obnoxious candidate who is a quiet, respectable, +honest, church-going family man. The height of mendacious talent is +shown in representing this paragon of virtue to be a brawler, a +blackguard, a swindler, an infidel, and a bad husband and father. If he +mildly denies that he is any such person, the proper course is to call +him all the unpleasant names over again, adding, by way of clincher, +that he is popularly supposed to have murdered his grandmother. This +will floor him. + +_Verbosity_.--This is the power of writing two columns in answer to a +three-line paragraph--of twisting, turning, transmogrifying, dissecting, +kicking, cuffing, illustrating, turning inside out, and outside in again +the aforesaid paragraph. The real master of this art will show his skill +by the great number of times in which he will manage to say "We" in the +course of his lucubration. + +III. QUALIFICATIONS OF A CANDIDATE. + +_Density_.--This indicates the utter incapacity of a candidate to +understand any public question. It is a very safe quality, for the more +he knows, the less likely is he to commit himself. It is an equally +pleasant quality, since it enables its possessor to take the fence and +to maintain it, while, by a sort of optical delusion, each party +supposes him to be upon its own side. It saves regular out and out +_lying_, if Mr. GREELEY will allow us to use so strong a word. For +instance, if asked, "Are you in favor of a Protective Tariff?" the +candidate may answer, "I am" (for he doesn't know whether he is) or "I +am not" (for he does not know but he may be a most cantankerous Free +Trader). In this way he may, with Roman honesty, satisfy everybody, and +promote peace and good-will and that sort of thing in the handsomest +manner. + +_Capillary Attraction_.--This is analogous to receptivity in the voter. +If the citizen drinks hugely, the candidate must be able to keep up with +him; and to have a sponge stomach equal to the absorption of quarts, and +even of gallons, is a piece of excellent good fortune for the man who is +fool enough to want to go to Congress, instead of enjoying the delights +of obscurity. Verily, he has his reward. He who suffers in the gin-mills +of New York may recover himself in the Champagne-sparkling saloons of +Washington. + +_Pecuniosity_.--"To him that hath shall be given." The candidate must +beg, borrow, or steal something to begin with. He must possess a power +of bleeding equal to that of twenty-four country doctors. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has here given a skeleton sketch of his great work upon +politics. The reader had better make the most of it; for the Great Book +will not be published until after the author's death, which he doesn't +think (if he knows himself) is likely to happen tomorrow. And so he +closes with a brief exhortation: Go on, worthy gentlemen! Continue to +spend, drink, war, falsify, for the good of your country! Are you a +Voter? Show yourself to be such indeed, by voting all day, all the time, +and at all the polling-places! Are you a Candidate? Show yourself to be +a good one by keeping your mouth shut (except for drinking) and your +pocket open! Are you an Editor? Ah! Mr. P. has nothing to say to you. +Mr. P. is an Editor too! We understand each other, worthy brother! We +know where the world keeps its cakes and ale! + + * * * * * + +CAPITAL REMOVAL. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO having been invited to attend and address the +Capital Removal Convention (so called) held in Cincinnati, wrote a +letter declining to be present, upon the ground that he was exceedingly +comfortable where he was. However, he added his views at great +length, but the ingrates did not even read his letter. In this he advocated +the removal of the Capitol to some point so distant that twenty-three +months of an Honorable Member's term of twenty-four months +would be spent in going and returning. At the same time Mr. P. suggested +the abolition of the salaries of the Members; and the passage +of an act making it a forgery for any member to print in _The Globe_ +a never-uttered speech. But, alas for the wisdom of age! he doesn't +see that the Convention acted on any of these suggestions. + + * * * * * + +SMALL POTATOES.--The "Murphy" Radicals. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY APPROPRIATE. + +_Young Man_. "HELLO! MRS. CRUMBLETY, WHAT ARE YER DOIN' ALONG ER THAT +NEWFOUDLING DORG?" + +_Mrs. C._ "WELL, HE STRAYED INTO OUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT AND AS HE DIDN'T +SEEM TO HAVE NO MASTER, I THOUGHT I'D JEST TAKE HIM ROUND TO THIS HERE +NEW FOUNDLING HOSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S REMINISCENCES OF CHARLES DICKENS. + +It is surprising that since Mr. DICKEN'S decease no one should have +conceived the idea of writing a sketch of that illustrious author. It is +perhaps too much to require that some competent person prepare his +biography, but the public have a right to expect at least a few +reminiscences. I am persuaded to sketch the following imperfect outlines +only from a conviction that the great novelist has in this respect been +neglected. I trust I shall not be deemed to have broken the seal of +private confidence in this disclosing how well I knew him, and (what is +still more remarkable) how well he knew me:-- + +[While Mr. DICKENS was on his first visit to this country, the writer +had not the pleasure of his acquaintance. He put up in Philadelphia, at +a well-known and fashionable boarding-house then kept by an aunt of +mine, at the corner of Second and Thirteenth streets. He never said +anything while there, until he came to pay his board bill, when bidding +my aunt farewell, he observed: _"Mrs. SAGOE, for terseness and brevity, +your steaks surpass any I have ever met with."_ Aunt Sarah had these +words neatly framed, and they have hung in her back parlor to this day. + +Before he came again, the country had made wonderful progress. A new +generation had been born, including myself.] + +When the steamer was signalled, I went down on the wharf. DICKENS was +standing near the rail, and wore a coat, vest, pants, and a hat. I +couldn't make out through the glass how much they cost, and I forgot to +ask him afterward. Shortly after she had hauled into the dock, I went on +board. We shook hands. Mr. DICKENS had a peculiar way of reserving his +right hand for this process, though on great occasions he would use +both. We employed all four, with the understanding that a more formal +demonstration should be made at PARKER'S. I offered to carry his valise. +Graciously declining my services, he betokened his appreciation of my +delicate attention by presenting me on the spot with a complete set of +his works--Author's Edition. + +"My dear fellow," he whispered, "there's a Boston man down below, +blacking my other pair of boots, who'd feel hurt if I should let anybody +else take that bag." + +I called upon him as soon as he was fairly settled, and found him in his +shirt-sleeves, writing vigorously. Mr. DICKENS'S intimate friends are +aware that he indulged in the habit, while writing, of occasionally +dipping his pen in the inkstand. I don't remember much about the room +except that there were several chairs (good chairs) and a table in it. +The distinguished occupant was sitting about nine and a half feet from +the door facing the Southwest, his hair well brushed, head a little +inclined to the right, except his eyes, which, were inclined to twinkle +as though he had just hit upon something particularly bright and happy. +The carpet was green with a red figure. You could see in a moment that +he was a man of genius. The room was lighted with gas. Was it possible +that the immortal author of "DICKENS'S Works" was before me? [Upon the +table was a cigar, half consumed, an inkstand, three pen-holders, a +bundle of envelopes, a brass key, several bouquets, a paper-cutter, a +stick of sealing-wax, a quantity of writing-paper, a table-cloth +(spread), a newspaper (the date has escaped me), and such other things +as are usually on such tables.] + +DICKENS, as soon as he saw me, stopped writing, wiped his pen, ran his +fingers through his hair, took out his watch and wound it up, brushed +his coat and put it on (not forgetting to place a rose in the +button-hole), and then, waving his hands very gracefully (he wore +high-priced studs and a pair of elaborately built sleeve-buttons), +addressed me as follows:-- + +Mr. DICKENS _(with tender embrace)_ SARSFIELD!!!! + +Mr. YOUNG _(representing American Literature)_ CHARLES!!!! + +The remainder of our conversation was devoted to minor topics. + +Early one morning we started from the Parker House, and walking rapidly +over West Boston bridge, passed through Cambridge, by the Colleges, and +kept on travelling, without speaking a word, the best part of a couple +of days, I should judge, though I didn't have my watch with me. Suddenly +he asked the name of the town we were rapidly approaching. + +"Great Harrington," said I. + +"Is it possible?" said he. And we turned and walked home again. + +His first reading in America was a private one to me. We had come in +from a thirty-mile walk, and I was somewhat tired. Taking up the second +volume of his History of England, he began in an easy, careless way. So +did I. I went to sleep. Just as he was finishing the book I woke up; and +when he asked me how I liked it, I told him frankly that, in my opinion, +it never would do in the world--the plot was too eccentric. + +He was a kind man. Frequently he would ride for days together up and +down a railroad, for no other purpose than to help take cinders out of +people's eyes. + +He was fond of oysters, of children, dogs, and an international +copyright. I remember his meeting me once on Broadway and he didn't +recognize me. He never mentioned the incident afterward. It has been +said that he was also fond of dress. I regret that I never asked him +about this, though I recall the circumstance of my inquiring where he +had his vests made. Said he; "My waistcoats were made abroad." + +He never liked to sit for his photograph; consequently, he generally +stood up. + +It pleased him to receive letters requesting his autograph and a lock of +his hair. The articles were invariably sent by return mail. He was also +gratified at the privilege of shaking hands with people whom he was +never to see again. I once humored him by introducing in a body two fire +companies and a Sunday school. + +As we parted he gave me excellent advice: "Write with vigor," said he, +"with sincerity, and blue ink; but don't write novels. It might injure +the sale of my books." I promised him I would not, and we saw each other +no more. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | OFFER | + | | + | A SUPERB COLLECTION | + | | + | OF | + | | + | New Fall Silks, | + | | + | SELECTED WITH THE UTMOST CARE, | + | | + | WHICH | + | | + | FOR IMPORTANCE AND VALUE, | + | | + | ARE | + | | + | UNEQUALLED IN THE CITY. | + | | + | CUSTOMERS AND STRANGERS | + | ARE RESPECTFULLY INVITED TO EXAMINE. | + | | + | BLACK GROUND, WHITE STRIPED SILKS, | + | FOR YOUNG LADIES' SUITS, | + | $1 per Yard. | + | | + | HEAVY COLORED GROS-GRAIN STRIPES, | + | $1.05 per Yard. | + | | + | A FINE ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | Dark Chene Silks, | + | SMALL PATTERN, | + | At $l per Yard, worth $1.50. | + | | + | AN ELEGANT VARIETY | + | OF | + | CANNELE STRIPED SILKS, | + | In all the New Colorings, | + | At $1.50 and $1.75. | + | | + | 20 CASES PLAIN DRESS SILKS, | + | The largest assortment to be found in this | + | Market, from $2 per Yard. | + | | + | 3 CASES COLORED DRESS SATINS, | + | _Very Rich Quality and High Colorings._ | + | | + | BLACK GRAINED POMPADOUR BROCADED | + | SILKS, | + | From $2.50 per Yard. | + | | + | 500 PIECES BLACK DRESS SILKS, | + | In every Variety of Manufacture. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | THE "BONNET," "PONSON," AND | + | A. T. STEWART "FAMILY" | + | AND IMPERIAL SILKS, | + | From $2 per Yard. | + | | + | A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | NEW COLORINGS | + | IN | + | TRIMMING SILKS | + | AND | + | SATINS, | + | CUT ON THE BIAS, | + | From $1 per Yard. | + | | + | A SPECIAL DEPARTMENT FOR | + | POPLINS | + | HAS BEEN ORGANIZED. | + | Lyons Poplins, $1 per Yard. | + | REAL IRISH POPLINS, | + | OF THE BEST MAKE. $2 PER YARD. | + | With several Cases of the | + | AMERICAN POPLINS, | + | IN LEADING COLORS, | + | To Close at $1.25 per Yard, formerly | + | $2 per Yard. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | THE CELEBRATED | + | "AMERICAN" BLACK SILKS, | + | GUARANTEED TO | + | Wash, and Wear Well, | + | AT $2 PER YARD. | + | | + | Broadway, Fourth Avenue, | + | | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: COMMENDABLE ENERGY. + +Time: 4 o'clock P.M. + +_Mr. Quickly_. "HALLO! SLOWCOME, RARE HAPPINESS TO SEE YOU THIS TIME O' +DAY." + +_Mr. Slowcome_. "YAAS: BEEN ASLEEP SINCE YESTERDAY, BUT MUST EXERCISE A +LITTLE FOR THE DINNER PARTY AT DELMONICO'S, YOU KNOW."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | | + | AND | + | | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, 169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., | + | | + | New York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | | + | PRINTING, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | | + | STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of | + | | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the prepaid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | + | Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | + | the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | + | country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | + | having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | + | of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | + | scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | + | rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | + | pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | IS NOW READY. | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, +November 5, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + +***** This file should be named 10104-8.txt or 10104-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/0/10104/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, November 5, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 17, 2003 [EBook #10104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>CONANT'S</big></big><br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big>We will Mail Free</big></big></p> + <p><small>A COVER</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Lettered & Stamped,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">with New Title Page<br> + <br> + </span> <small>FOR BINDING<br> + <br> + </small> <b>FIRST VOLUME,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">On Receipt of 50 Cents,</p> + <p><small>OR THE</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE,</p> + <p><small>On application to</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau Street.</span> </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> +<img src="images/83.jpg" alt=""> + <br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. II. No. 32.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,<br> +By ORPHEUS C. KERR,</small></p> + <p>Is concluded in this Number.</p> + <p>Commencing with Number 30.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">APPLICATIONS +FOR ADVERTISING IN</small><br> + <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small style="font-weight: normal;">SHOULD +BE ADDRESSED TO</small><br> +JOHN NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p><b>No. 83 Nassau Street, N.Y.</b></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>FOLEY'S</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big><br> + <big>GOLD PENS.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big> <span style="font-weight: normal;">THE BEST +AND CHEAPEST.</span><br> +256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i> REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN,<br> + <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">The only Journal of its kind in +America!!</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST:</big></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">A MONTHLY JOURNAL</span><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <small>THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL CHEMISTRY.</small></p> + <p><small>DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS.</small></p> + <p><small>EDITED BY<br> +Chas. F. Chandler, Ph.D., & W.H. Chandler.</small></p> + <p><small>The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, +having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American +reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of +the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which +shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, +experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country.</small></p> + <p><small>The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the +reception of original articles from any part of the country, subject to +approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any points of interest +within the scope of the Journal will receive prompt attention.</small></p> + <p><b>THE AMERICAN CHEMIST</b></p> + <p>Is a Journal of especial interest to</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, +TO COLLEGES, APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS, ASSAYERS, DYERS, +PHOTOGRAPHERS, MANUFACTURERS,</small></p> + <p>And all concerned in scientific pursuits.</p> + <p><b>Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; 50 cts. per +number. Specimen copies, 25 cts.</b></p> + <p>Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO.,<br> +Publishers and Proprieters<br> +424 Broome Street, New York</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></p> + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, +he has made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</small></p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</b></p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEORGE WEVILL,</b></p> + <p>WOOD ENGRAVER,</p> + <b>208 BROADWAY,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</p> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXVI.</b></p> + <p>FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.</p> + <p>Miss CARROWTHERS having gone out with Mrs. SKAMMERHORN to +skirmish with the world of dry-goods clerks for one of those alarming +sacrifices in feminine apparel which woman unselfishly, yet never +needlessly, is always making, FLORA sat alone in her new home, working +the latest beaded pin-cushion of her useful life. Frequently +experiencing the truth of the adage, that as you sew so shall you rip, +the fair young thing was passing half her valuable time in ripping out +the mistaken stitches she had made in the other half; and the severe +moral discipline thus endured, made her mad, as equivalent vexation +would have made a man the reverse of that word. Flippant social +satirists cannot dwell with sufficient sarcasm upon the difference +between the invincible amiability affected by artless girls in society +and their occasional bitterness of aspect in the privacy of home; never +stopping to reflect that there are sore private trials for these +industrious young crochet creatures in which the thread of the most +equable female existence is necessarily worsted. Miss POTTS, then, +although looking up from her trying worsted occupation at the servant +who entered with a rather snappish expression of countenance, was +guilty of no particularly hypocritical assumption in at once suffering +her features to relax into a sweetly pensive smile upon learning that +there was a gentleman to see her in the parlor.</p> + <p>"'MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON,'" she softly read from the card +presented. "Is he alone, BRIDGET, dear?"</p> + <p>"Sorra any wan with him but his cane, Miss; and that he axed +me wud I sthand it behind the dure for him."</p> + <p>There was a look of desperate purpose about this. When a +sentimental young man seeks a private interview with a marriageable +young woman, and recklessly refuses at the outset to retain at least +his cane for the solution of the intricate conversational problem of +what to do with his hands, it is an infallible sign that some madly +rash intention has temporarily overpowered his usual sheepish +imbecility, and that he may be expected to speak and act with almost +human intelligence.</p> + <p>With hand instinctively pressed upon her heart, to moderate +its too sanguine pulsations and show the delicate lace around her +cuffs, FLORA shyly entered the parlor, and surprised Mr. PENDRAGON +striding up and down the apartment like one of the more comic of the +tragic actors of the day.</p> + <p>"Miss POTTS!" ejaculated the wild young Southern pedestrian, +pausing suddenly at her approach, with considerable excitement of +manner, "scorn me, spurn me, if you will; but do not let sectional +embitterment blind you to the fact that I am here by the request of Mr +DIBBLE."</p> + <p>"I wasn't scorning and spurning anybody," explained the +startled orphan, coyly accepting the chair he pushed forward. "I'm sure +I don't feel any sectional hatred, nor any other ridiculous thing."</p> + <p>"Forgive me!" pleaded MONTGOMERY. "I reckon I'm a heap too +sensitive about my Southern birth; but only think, Miss POTTS, what +I've had to go through since I've been amongst you Yankees! Fancy what +it is to be suspected of a murder, and have no political influence."</p> + <p>"It must be <i>so</i> absurd!" murmured FLORA.</p> + <p>"I've felt wretched enough about it to become a contributor to +the first-class American comic paper on the next floor below me," he +continued, gloomily. "And here, to-day, without any explanation, your +guardian desires me to come here and wait for him."</p> + <p>"I'm sorry that's such a trial for you, Mr. PENDRAGON," +simpered the Flowerpot. "Perhaps you'd prefer to wait on the front +stoop and appear as though you'd just come, you know?"</p> + <p>"And can you think," cried the young man with increased +agitation "that it would be any trial for me to be in your society, +if—? But tell me, Miss POTTS, has your guardian the right to dispose of +your hand in marriage?"</p> + <p>"I suppose so," answered FLORA, with innocent surprise and a +pretty blush; "he has charge of <i>all</i> my money matters, you know."</p> + <p>"Then it is as I feared," groaned her questioner, smiting his +forehead. "He is coming here to-day to tell you what man of opulence he +wants you to have, and I am to be witness to my own hopelessness!"</p> + <p>"What makes you think anything so ridiculous, you absurd +thing?" asked the orphan, not unkindly.</p> + <p>"He as good as said so," sighed the unhappy Southerner. "He +told me, with his own mouth, that he wanted to get you off his hands as +soon as possible, and thought he saw his way clear to do it."</p> + <p>The girl knew what bitter, intolerable emotions were tearing +the heart of the ill-fated secessionist before her, and, in her own +gentle heart, pitied him.</p> + <p>"He needn't be so sure about it," she said, with indignant +spirit. "I'll never marry <i>any</i> stranger, unless he's awful +rich—oh, as rich as anything!"</p> + <p>"Oh, Miss POTTS!" roared MONTGOMERY, suddenly, folding-down +upon one knee before her, and scratching his nose with a ring upon the +hand he sought to kiss, "why will you not bestow upon me the heart so +generously disdainful of everything except the most extreme wealth? Why +waste your best years in waiting for proposals from a class of Northern +men who occasionally expect that their brides, also, shall have +property, when here I offer you the name and hand of a loving Southern +gentleman, who only needs the paying off of a few mortgages on his +estate in the South to be beyond all immediate danger of starvation?"</p> + <p>Turning her pretty head aside, but unconsciously allowing him +to retain her hand, she faintly asked how they were to live?</p> + <p>"Live!" repeated the impetuous lover. "On love, hash, mutual +trust, bread pudding: anything that's cheap. I'll do the washing and +ironing myself."</p> + <p>"How perfectly ridiculous!" said the orphan, bashfully turning +her head still further aside, and bringing one ear-ring to bear +strongly upon him. "You'd never be able to do fluting and pinking in +the world."</p> + <p>"I could do anything, with you by my side!" he retorted, +eagerly. Oh, Miss POTTS!—FLORA!—think how lonely I am. My sister, as on +may have heard, has accepted Gospeler SIMPSON'S proposal, by mail, for +her hand, and is already so busy quarrelling with his mother that she +is no longer any company for me. My fate is in your hands; it is in +woman's power to either make or marry the roan who loves her—"</p> + <p>"Provided, always, that her legal guardian consents," +interrupted the benignant voice of Mr. DIBBLE, who, unperceived by +them, had entered the room in time to finish the sentence.</p> + <p>Springing alertly to an upright position, and coughing +excessively, Mr. PENDRAGON was a shamefaced reproach to his whole sex, +while the young lady used the edge of her right foot against a seam of +the carpet with that extreme solicitude as to the result which is +always so entirely deceiving to those who have hoped to see her show +signs of painful embarrassment.</p> + <p>After surveying them in thoughtful silence for a moment, the +old lawyer bent over his ward, and hugged and kissed her with an +unctuousness justified by his great age and extreme goodness. It was +his fine old way of bestowing an inestimable blessing upon all the +plump younger women of his acquaintance, and the benediction was +conferred on the slightest pretexts, and impartially, up to a certain +age.</p> + <p>"Am I to construe what I have seen and heard, my dear, as +equivalent to the conclusion of my guardianship?" he asked, smilingly.</p> + <p>"Oh, please don't be so ridiculous—oh, I never was so +exquisitely nervous," pleaded the helpless, fluttered young creature.</p> + <p>"I reckon I've betrayed your confidence, sir," said +MONTGOMERY, desperately; "but you must have known, from hearsay at +least, how I have felt toward this young lady ever since our first +meeting, and should not have exposed me to a temptation stronger than I +could bear. I have, indeed, done myself the honor to offer her the hand +and heart if one who, although but a poor gentleman, will be richer +than kings if she deigns to make him so."</p> + <p>"Why, how absurd!" ejaculated the orphan, quickly. "It's +perfectly ridiculous to call me well off: and how could I make you +richer than kings and things, you know?"</p> + <p>The old and the young men exchanged looks of unspeakable +admiration at such touching artlessness.</p> + <p>"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed her guardian, playfully pinching +her cheek and privately surprised at its floury feeling. "What would +you say if I told you that, since our shrewd EDDY retired from the +contest, I have been wishing to see you and our Southern friend here +brought to just such terms as you appear to have reached? What would +you say if I added that, such consummation seeming to be the best you +or your friends could do for yourself, I have determined to deal with +you as a daughter, in the matter of seeing to it that you begin your +married life with a daughter's portion from my own estate?"</p> + <p>Both the young people had his hands in theirs, on either side +of him, in an instant.</p> + <p>"There! there!" continued the excellent old gentleman, "don't +try to express yourselves. FLORA, place one of your hands in the breast +of my coat, and draw out the parcel you find there. * * * That's it. +The article it contains once belonged to your mother, my dear, and has +been returned to me by the hands to which I once committed it in the +hope that they would present it to you. I loved your mother well, my +child, but had not enough property at the time to contend with your +father. Open the parcel in private, and be warned by its moral: Better +is wilful waist than woeful want of it."</p> + <p>It was the stay-lace by which Mrs. POTTS, from too great +persistence in drawing herself up proudly, had perished in her prime.</p> + <p>"Now come into the open air with me, and let us walk to +Central Park," continued Mr. DIBBLE, shaking off his momentary fit of +gloom, "I have strange things to tell you both. I have to teach you, in +justice to a much-injured man, that we have, in our hearts, cruelly +wronged that excellent and devout Mr. BUMSTEAD, by suspecting him of a +crime whereof he is now proved innocent at least <i>I</i> suspected +him. To-morrow night we must all be in Bumsteadville. I will tell you +why as we walk."</p> + <br> + <p><b>CHAPTER XXVII.</b></p> + <p>SOLUTION.</p> + <p>In the darkness of a night made opaque by approaching showers, +a man stands under the low-drooping branches of the edge of a wood +skirting the cross-road leading down to Gospeler's Gulch.</p> + <p>"Not enough saved from the wreck even to buy the merciful rope +that should end all my humor and impecuniosity!" he mutters, over his +folded arms and heaving chest. "I have come to this out-of-the-way +suburb to end my miserable days, and not so much as one clothes-line +have I seen yet. There is the pond, however; I can jump into that, I +suppose: but how much more decent were it to make one's quietus under +the merry greenwood tree with a cord—"</p> + <p>He stops suddenly, holding his breath; and, almost +simultaneously with a sharp, rushing noise in the leaves overhead, +something drops upon his shoulder. He grasps it, cautiously feels of +it, and, to his unspeakable amazement, discovers that it is a rope +apparently fastened to the branches above!</p> + <p>"Wonderful!" he ejaculates, in an awe-stricken whisper. +"Providence helps a wretch to die, if not to live. At any other time I +should think this very strange, but just now I've got but one thing to +do. Here's my rope, here's my neck, and here goes!"</p> + <p>Heedless of everything but his dread intention, he rapidly +ties the rope about his throat, and is in the act of throwing forward +his whole weight upon it, when there is a sharp jerk of the rope, he is +drawn up about three feet in the air, and, before he can collect his +thoughts, is as abruptly let down upon his feet again. Simultaneously, +a sound almost like suppressed swearing comes very clearly to his ear, +and he is conscious of something dimly white in the profound darkness, +not far away.</p> + <p>"Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD," exclaims a deep voice. "I +thought the rope was caught in a crotch; but 'twasn't. Try't once more."</p> + <p>The astounded hearer feels the rope tugging at his own neck +again, and, with a half comprehension of the situation, calls "Stop!" +in a suffocating voice.</p> + <p>"Who's there?" comes from the darkness.</p> + <p>"JEREMY BENTHAM, late proprietor of first-class American Comic +Paper.—Died of Comic Serial.—Want to hang myself," is the jerky reply +from the other side.</p> + <p>"Got your own rope, sir?"</p> + <p>"No. One fell down on my shoulders just as I was wishing for +it; but it seems to be too elastic."</p> + <p>"That's the other end 'f <i>my</i> rope, air," rejoins the +second voice, as in wrath. "I threw't over the branches and thought it +had caught, instead of that it let me down, sir."</p> + <p>"And drew me up," says Mr. BENTHAM.</p> + <p>Before another word can be spoken by either, the light of a +dark-lantern is flashed upon them. There is Mr. BUMSTEAD, not three +yards from Mr. BENTHAM; each with an end of the same rope about his +neck, and the head of the former turbaned with a damp towel.</p> + <p>"Are ye men?" exclaims the deep voice of Mr. MELANCTHON +SCHENCK from behind the lantern, "and would ye madly incur death before +having taken out life-policies in the Boreal?"</p> + <p>"And would my uncle celebrate my return in this style?" cried +still another voice from the darkness.</p> + <p>"Who's that spoke just then?" cries the Ritualistic organist.</p> + <p>The answer comes like the note of a trumpet:—</p> + <p>"EDWIN DROOD!"</p> + <p>At the same instant a great glare of light breaks upon the +scene from a bonfire of tar-barrels, ignited at the higher end of the +cross-road by young SMALLEY; and, to the mingled bewilderment and +exasperation of Mr. BUMSTEAD, the radiance reveals, as in noonday, Mr. +SCHENCK and his long-lost nephew standing before him; and, coming +towards them in festive procession from Gospeler's Gulch. MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON with FLORA on his arm, the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON +escorting MAGNOLIA, Mr. DIBBLE guarding Mrs. SIMPSON, Mr. CLEW'S arm in +arm with JOHN McLAUGHLIN. Father DEAN and Judge SWEENEY, Miss +CAROWTHERS, and the SMYTHES.</p> + <p>"Trying to hang yourselves!" exclaims Mr. DIBBLE, as the +throng gathers curiously around the two gentlemen of the rope.</p> + <p>"And my old friend BENTHAM, too!" cries the Gospeler.</p> + <p>"How perfectly ridiculous!" warbles FLORA.</p> + <p>Staring majestically from one face to the other, and from +thence towards the illuminating bonfire, Mr. BUMSTEAD, quite +unconscious of the picturesque effect of the towel on his head, +deliberately draws an antique black bottle from his pocket, moistens +his lips therewith, passes it to the Comic Paper man, and eats a clove.</p> + <p>"What is the meaning of this general intoxication?" he then +asks quite severely. "Why does this mass-meeting, greatly under the +influence of inferior liquor as it plainly is, intrude thus upon the +last hours of a Ritualistic gentleman and a humorous publisher?"</p> + <p>"Because, Uncle JACK," returns EDWIN DROOD, holding his hands +curiously behind him as he speaks, "this is a night of general +rejoicing Bumsteadville, in honor of my reappearance; and, directed by +your landlord, Mr. SMYTHE, we have come out to make you join in our +cheer. We are all heartily sorry for the great anguish you have endured +in consequence of my unexplained absence. Let me tell you ow it was, as +I have already told all our friends here. You know where you placed me +while you were in your clove-trance, and I was o unbecomingly asleep, +on Christmas night. Well, I was discovered there, in less than three +hours thereafter, by JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, who carried me to his own house, +and there managed to awaken me. Recovering my senses, I was disgusted +with myself, ashamed of what had happened, and anxious to leave +Bumsteadville. I swore 'Old Mortarity' to secrecy—"</p> + <p>"—Which I have observed," explains MCLAUGHLIN, nodding.</p> + <p>"—And started immediately for Egypt, in Illinois," continues +Mr. DROOD. "There I went into railroading; am engaged to a nice little +girl there; and came back two days ago to explain myself all around, +returning here, I saw JOHN MCLAUGHLIN first, who told me that a certain +Mr. CLEWS was here to unravel the Mystery about me, and persuaded me to +let Mr. CLEWS work you into another visit to the cellar the Pauper +Burial Ground, and there appear to you as my own ghost, before finally +revealing myself as I now do."</p> + <p>The glassy eyes of the Ritualistic organist are fixed upon him +in a most uncomfortable manner, but no comment comes.</p> + <p>"And I, Mr. BUMSTEAD," says the old lawyer, "must apologize to +you for having indulged a wrong suspicion. Possibly you were rather +rash in charging everybody else with assassination and larceny, and +offering to marry my ward upon the strength of her dislike to you; but +we'll say no more of those things now. Miss POTTS has consented to +become Mrs. PENDRAGON; Miss PENDRAGON is the betrothed of Rev. Mr. +SIMPSON,—"</p> + <p>"—Miss CAROWTHERS honors me with a matrimonial preference," +interpolates Judge SWEENEY, gallantly bowing to that spinster.—</p> + <p>"—Breachy Mr. BLODGETT!" sighs the lady, to herself.—</p> + <p>"—And three weddings will help us to forget everything but +that which is bright and pleasant," concludes the lawyer.</p> + <p>Next steps to the front Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, with his surprising +head of hair, and archly remarks:</p> + <p>"I believe you take me for a literary man, Mr. BUMSTEAD."</p> + <p>"What is that to me, sir? <i>I've</i> no money to lend," +returns the organist, with marked uneasiness.</p> + <p>"To tell you the truth," proceeds the author of "The Amateur +Detective," —"to tell you the whole truth, I have been playing the +detective with you by order of Mr. DIBBLE, and hope you will excuse my +practice upon you."</p> + <p>"He is my clerk," explains Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>Whereupon Mr. TRACEY CLEWS dexterously whips off his brush of +red hair, and stands revealed as Mr. BLADAMS.</p> + <p>Merely waiting to granulate one more clove, Mr. BUMSTEAD +settles the rope about his neck anew, squints around under the wet +towel in a curiously ghastly manner, and thus addresses the meeting:—</p> + <p>"Ladies and gen'l'men—I've listened to y'r impudence with +patience, and on any other 'casion would be happy to see y'all safe +home. At present, however, Mr. BENTHAM and I desire to be left alone, +if 'ts all th' same t' you. You can come for the bodies in th' morning."</p> + <p>"BENTHAM! BENTHAM!" calls the Gospeler, "I can't see you +acting in that way, old friend. Come home with me to-night, and we'll +talk of starting a Religious Weekly together. That's your only +successful American Comic Paper."</p> + <p>"By Jove! so it is!" bawls JEREMY BENTHAM, like one possessed. +"I never thought of that before! I'm with you, my boy." And, hastily +slipping the rope from his neck, he hurries to his friend's side.</p> + <p>"And you, Uncle JACK—look at this!" exclaims Mr. E. DROOD, +bringing from behind his back and presenting to the melancholy organist +a thing that looks, at first glance, like an incredibly slim little +black girl, headless, with no waist at all, and balanced on one leg.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD reaches for it mechanically; a look of +intelligence comes into his glassy eyes; then they fairly flame.</p> + <p>"ALLIE!" he cries, dancing ecstatically.</p> + <p>It is the Umbrella—old familiar bone-handle, brass ferrule—in +a bran-new dress of alpaca!</p> + <p>All gaze at him with unspeakable emotion, as, with the rope +cast from him, he pats his dear old friend, opens her half way, shuts +her again, and the while smiles with ineffable tenderness.</p> + <p>Suddenly a shriek—the voice of FLORA—breaks the silence:—</p> + <p>"It rains!—oh, my complexion!"</p> + <p>"Rains?" thunders the regenerated BUMSTEAD, in a tone of +inconceivable triumph. "So it does. Now then, ALLIE, do your duty;" +and, with a softly wooing, hospitable air, he opens the umbrella and +holds it high over his head.</p> + <p>By a common instinct they all swarm in upon him, craning their +heads far over each other's shoulders to secure a share of the +Providential shelter. The glare of the great bonfire falls upon the +scene; the rain pours down in torrents: they crowd in upon him on all +sides, until what was once a stately Ritualistic man resembles some +tremendous monster with seventeen wriggling bodies, thirty-four legs, +and an alpaca canopy above all.</p> + <p>THE END.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/87.jpg" alt=""></center> + <p><b>THE RACE OF THE DAUNTLESS AND CAMBRIA</b>.</p> + <p>Punchinello's Sporting Special went down to Sandy Hook last +week to supervise the race between the <i>Dauntless</i> and the <i>Cambria</i>. +The affair was consequently a great success.</p> + <p>Attired in white corduroy breeches, a blue velvet waistcoat, +and a light boating-jacket of yellow flannel, your reporter left the +Battery at 6 hrs. 22 m, and 5 secs, on Friday morning, and steamed +slowly down the bay in the editorial row-boat <i>Punchinelletto</i>, +which was manned by an individual of remarkable oar-acular powers. So +highly was he gifted indeed in this respect, that your special was +enabled to predict the result of the aquatic gambols with perfect +accuracy, as it afterward appeared. Having got the yachts in position, +he gave Messrs. BENNETT and ASHBURY an audience, in which it was +settled by your representative that, owing to a split in the <i>Cambria's</i> +club-topsail, both parties should carry their block-headed jibs; and +the contest was begun.</p> + <p>In his anxiety to see fair play, however, your reporter at +first innocently took the lead, shooting off, at the given signal, far +in advance of the two yachts. His surprise was therefore great when the +latter suddenly hove to on their beam-ends, and declared an armistice, +to permit of Mr. ASHBURY'S publishing the following:</p> + <p style="text-align: center;"><i>Card</i>.</p> + <p>Much as I appreciate the kindness and attention extended to me +on all previous occasions in these waters, I must still politely insist +that the <i>Punchinelletto</i> relinquish her natural and perhaps +unavoidable tendency to take the wind out of everybody's sails, and +submit to remain in the wake of these yachts during the continuance of +the race. And I hereby challenge all fast-sailing yachts of over 100 +tons burthen, and under 50, to a 15-mile race dead to windward and back +again alive.</p> + <p>(Signed) ASHBURY.</p> + <p>Upon this your reporter manned the yard-arms, fired a salute +of 100 guns, and directed the Oar-acular to back water; thereby giving +the <i>Dauntless</i> the lead, which she retained up to the end of the +race. By the clever management of her Tacks she succeeded in completely +Nailing the <i>Cambria</i>. On the home-stretch, however, the latter +began "eating up "on her to such an alarming degree, that it was feared +the provisions of the Dauntless would not hold out. By putting the crew +on half-rations of champagne and sponge-cake this awful calamity was +averted.</p> + <p>Excited by the presence of danger, your reporter forgot his +habitual caution, and giving his Oar-ist a hearing, made all sail for +the mark-boat. The tow-line was passed from the bows aft, and there +attached to the boat-hook, held by your representative. Upon this +impromptu clothes-line was crowded all the canvas, velvet, linen, and +other dry-goods appertaining to the gallant captain and his +self-sacrificing crew. The latter gentleman might have been seen under +this gay cloud of drapery working fitfully but energetically to and +fro. But 't was all in vain! The <i>Dauntless</i> passed the +mark-boat, and the race was won. Won? But by whom?</p> + <p>The daily papers, with their usual inaccuracy, have made it +appear that the <i>Dauntless</i> was the winner, but among thinking +men there is but one opinion in regard to the matter, an opinion fully +explained and corroborated in the following, published by Mr. ASHBURY, +immediately on the <i>Punchinelletto</i> passing the mark-boat:</p> + <p style="text-align: center;"><i>Card</i>.</p> + <p>I take this opportunity of saying that whatever +misunderstanding may have arisen in the early part of this race as to +the position of the <i>Punchinelletto</i>, it is now but just to admit +that she has shown herself worthy, both in point of speed and +management, to take rank among the first-class yachts of the fleet, and +I hereby challenge, &c., &c.</p> + <p>(Signed) ASHBURY.</p> + <p>This was further supplemented by a</p> + <p style="text-align: center;"><i>Card</i> from Mr. BENNETT.</p> + <p>In token of my concurrence in the brilliant success of the <i>Punchinelletto</i>, +and my personal esteem for her commander, I hereby beg to place at his +disposal my yacht <i>Dauntless</i>, together with all her stores, +ordnance, by-laws, and small arms.</p> + <p>(Signed) BENNETT.</p> + <p>In reply to both of which your reporter circulated the +following:</p> + <p style="text-align: center;"><i>Reply</i>.</p> + <p>It is my express desire that no public mention shall be made +of the part by which the <i>Dauntless</i> was permitted apparently to +win the race. It is the duty of him who might have been victor to +display a magnanimous spirit to those who in that case would have been +the vanquished. I must, however, regret that circumstances of a +peculiar nature prevent my availing myself of Mr. BENNETT's kind offer. +Though this will not stand in the way of my accepting with +pleasure—nay, even with alacrity—the $250 silver cup appointed for the +winner of to-day's race, as the just meed of one who, though of a +naturally retiring disposition, is forced on the present occasion to +acknowledge himself <i>facile princeps</i>.</p> + <p>(Signed) Sporting Spec, <i>vice</i> PUNCHINELLO.</p> + <p>After waiting for Mr. BENNETT'S gig, or water-buggy, to row up +and award the prize, your special nodded majestically to the +Oar-acular, who thereupon steamed slowly up the bay again, arriving at +the Battery in the rosy dawn.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PRUSSIA'S POSITION PHILOSOPHICALLY PUT</b>.</p> + <p>German metaphysicians have settled so completely to the +satisfaction of their countrymen that "being" and "not being" are +identical, that this may serve to explain how, while holding possession +of her share in the partition of Poland, Prussia professes to be +virtuously indignant at France for retaining Alsace and Lorraine.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUT OF THE PAN INTO THE FIRE</b>.</p> + <p>What with BISMARCK'S pangerrmanism, the CZAR'S panslavism, +NAPOLEON'S panlatinism, the spread of pantheism, the threatened +metamorphosis of pantalettes into pantaloons, ANDREWS' pantarchy, and +Fox's pantomime, the old régime seems going precipitately to pot.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A JUDICIOUS JEW</b>.</p> + <p>Such was the one who wished to contract for the sweepings of +Steinway Hall when he heard that NILSSON showered throughout the room +her precious tones.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>EXIT "SUN."</b></p> + <p>The newsboys in the streets no longer cry <i>The Sun</i>, +with stentorian voices, but in gentle whispers, fearing to disturb the +repose of that waning luminary.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TAPPING THE TILL</b>.</p> + <p>Is there any connection between the quite common offence in +New York of "tapping the till," and the nomination of a Mr. TAPPAN for +Comptroller by the JOHN REAL Democracy?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS</b></p> + <p><img src="images/88.jpg" align="left" alt="P">retty <i>Fräulein</i> Margarat asks me to go to church +with her. She is not a New Yorker—or, as Webster would probably say,—a +New Yorkeress. She is rural in her ways and thoughts, a daisy of the +fields. Never having seen the interior of a city church, she asks me to +go with her to any Protestant church that I may select. So we go to the +shrine of St. APOLLOS, which, I am told, is regarded as one of the most +fashionable houses in the city.</p> + <p>It is a matinee service that we elect to attend. A long +procession of carriages is drawn up beside the building as we enter, +and I recognize in the coachmen the familiar faces that wait outside +the ACADEMY on opera nights. The organ overture is already begun, and +the audience is rapidly assembling. We enter the parquette—I should +say, the body of the church—and, standing in picturesque attitudes +against the wall, wait for the coming of the usher. We continue to +wait. Evidently the usher, in common with his kind, despises those who +are not holders of reserved seats. He welcomes with a smile the owners +of private boxes—pews, I mean—and shows them politely up the aisle; but +for us, who have not even an order from the mana—, sexton, I should +say—he has neither smile nor glance.</p> + <p>By and by I pluck up courage and pluck him by the sleeve. So, +with a severe air of suppressed indignation, he shows us to a couple of +ineligible seats, where the draft disarranges MARGARET'S hair, and the +charity children drop books of the op—, that is to say, prayer-books, +and molasses candy in unpleasant proximity to our helpless feet.</p> + <p>Neither MARGARET nor I possess a libret—, a prayer-book I +mean. However, that is a matter of no consequence, as we are both +familiar with the dialog—, or rather the service. The organist having +ended his overture, the service begins. Not even the wretched method of +the tenor—I refer of course to the clerk—and his miserably affected +execution of the recitative passages, can mar the beauty of the words. +The audience evidently feels their solemn import. The young lady and +the young male person who sit immediately in front of me clasp +surreptitious hands as they bow their heads to repeat the confession +that they are miserable sinners, and she whispers by no means softly to +him of the "frightful bonnets the SMITH girls have on." Presently the +recitative of the clerk is succeeded by a contest in chanting—probably +for the championship—by two rival choruses of shrill-voiced boys, who +hurl alternate verses of the Psalms at one another with the fiercest +intensity. MARGARET is betrayed into an inadvertent competition with +them, by reading a verse aloud, as had been her custom elsewhere, but +the charity children smile aloud at her, and the usher frowns, so she +sits down again with reddened cheeks.</p> + <p>I say to her, "that this choir contest is an excellent +feature, one that is sure to draw." But she answers nothing, and busily +reads the libret—, the psalm, to herself.</p> + <p>Then comes the litany. And here again MARGARET betrays her +rural habits, by repeating audibly the first response, thus encroaching +on the province of the choir-boys, who have now united, and form a fine +and powerful chorus, less picturesque perhaps than the Druidical chorus +in the first act of <i>Norma</i>, but quite as religious in its +effect. After which comes a hymn, executed by a soprano, who is really +a deserving little girl, and whom I little expected to find doing the +leading business in a first-class church, when I first saw her in the +chorus at the Stadt Theatre, seven years ago. MARGARET, warned by +experience, does not venture to interfere with the singing, to the +evident disappointment of the usher, who is watching her with the +intention, plainly expressed on his face, of peremptorily putting her +out, if she sings a single note. Then comes a recitation of the +commandments by the leading male perfor—, that is to say, by the +rector, supported by the double chorus, and the orches—, the organ, I +should say; and then we have the sermon.</p> + <p>I like the sermon. It is delivered with admirable effect, and +is, on the whole, more soothing than the average syrup of the +apocryphal Mrs. WINSLOW. The rector compliments us all on our many +virtues, and contrasts us with the supposititious sinners who are +presumed to abound somewhere in the vicinity of rival houses. The +middle-aged men evidently feel that he will make no mistake worth +noticing, and so go to sleep as calmly as though they were at BOOTH'S +THEATRE. The middle-aged ladies contemplate the dresses of their +neighbors, and the young people flirt with cautious glances. When the +curtain—when it is over, I mean—we go cheerfully away, like an audience +that has slept through a Shakesperean play, and feels that it has done +its duty. And when we are once more in the street, I say to MARGARET: +"This has been a delightful performance. There has been nothing said to +make one feel disagreeably discontented with one's self, nor has there +been any impolite suggestions as to the undesirable future of anybody, +except the low wretches who, of course, don't go to any church. How +much better this is than the solemn service, and, the unpleasantly +personal sermons that we used to hear at your little rural church."</p> + <p>MARGARET.—"I do not like it. Why should boys be hired to pray, +and women to sing for me? Why should I be told by the preacher that I +am perfectly good, when I have just confessed that I am a 'miserable +sinner?' Why do you call this service religious, and Rip Van Winkle +theatrical? Believe me, St. APOLLOS deserves a place among your 'Plays +and Shows' quite as much as does BOOTH'S or WALLACK'S."'</p> + <p>And I to her—"St. APOLLOS shall take its proper place in +PUNCHINELLO'S show. But permit me to say that you are very +unreasonable. What do you go to church for? To be made uncomfortable +and dissatisfied with yourself?"</p> + <p>MARGARET,—"To be made better."</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A PASTOR ON POLITICS.</b></p> + <p>The Reverend Mr. CREAMCHEESE congratulated the hearers of his +last sermon upon the encouraging religious aspects of the time, +remarking how pleasant it was in this fall season to find all the +political parties in the country so interested in making their election +sure. We maybe mistaken, but we think the Rev. gentleman's zeal outruns +his discretion. The preying of politicians is of a kind which we trust +the clergy will never seek to imitate; but now that Congress has +undertaken to supervise this matter of election, there no knowing what +it may become in the future.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AN EVASIVE REPLY.</b></p> + <p>A Correspondent suggests that in No. 30 our artist has given +Mr. C. A. DANA, in representing him as refusing a bribe with virtuous +indignation, a two-cent-imental an expression. In reply, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO—although his own opinion is that the mistake has been in +making it rather dollar-ous than cent-imental—would refer his +correspondent to the artist.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A QUERY FOR SOL-UTION.</b></p> + <p>Is it a fact that, because <i>Sol</i> is the Latin for <i>Sun</i>, +being on the <i>Sun</i> is therefore equivalent to being a SOLON?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TO THE DIPLOMATISTS OF THE HUB.</b></p> + <p>Whether the Boston dip is a penny one or not, it is +nevertheless scandalous.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <br> + <p>CANTO IX.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rub-a-dub, +dub,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Three men in a tub,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Butcher, the Baker, the +Candlestick-Maker,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They all jumped into a rotten +potato.</span> </div> + <p>Behold the gentle Poet, now in the midst of the tumult of war. +How calmly he surveys from his elevated position the situation of the +hosts and the signs of the times. He hears the drums beat and the bugle +call to arms, and his soul is filled with martial ardor. Unable to +wield the sword, he seizes his poetical pen, resolved to become the +Chronicler and Historian of the war, and thus add his little mite for +the improvement of future generations. He decided that it must be +characteristic, and in keeping in style with his other productions: +short, pithy, and comprehensive; simple and amusing enough for a child; +deep and sarcastic enough for the most astute mind.</p> + <p>He begins by describing in graphic style the sounds that first +struck on his ear and fired his manly soul—the beat of the rolling +drum. Then comes a description of the terrible conflict that occurred +in his native village, between the three most prominent men of the day. +This, not to be too verbose, he simply likens to being "in a tub."</p> + <p>BILLY the butcher, stout, red-faced, and pugilistic, with his +particular friend MARC the baker, having become jealous of the +beautiful shop and immense patronage of JOHNNY the candlestick-maker, +resolve to put an end to it in some way, even if they have to fight him.</p> + <p>That showy candlestick shop, with its gay trimmings and +beautiful ornaments, open every day before their face and eyes, and +attracting crowds of idlers who stand gazing in at the windows, or +lounging around the doors, is a little too much for the Butcher, who in +vain displays before his door the fresh-cut meat and the tempting +sausage. True, he has plenty of customers; but they come because they +need what he has to sell; they come of necessity, not for pleasure. The +Baker experiences the same vexation, as he sees his loaves passed by +and mockingly made light of.</p> + <p>They bear awhile in silent envy the annoying sight of the +rollicking crowd and the joyful JOHNNY with his troop of apprentices, +who have all they can possibly do to attend to their numerous +customers, and who receive their broad pieces of money with a careless +ease that makes the fingers of the lookers-on tingle.</p> + <p>At last human nature can stand it no longer. The two malicious +storekeepers put their heads together, and resolve to draw their +prosperous enemy into a fight that will ruin him and enable them to +smash his windows. Accordingly, they throw stones and dirt at him, but +he, intently interested in his store, notices them not. His noisy +apprentices and loungers around see and point out the insult, and urge +him to avenge himself. But no; he has no time to pay attention to petty +annoyances; he is too busy getting up a huge candlestick for the Fair, +and so, to smooth matters over, he sends his two enemies an invitation +to view the magnificent candlestick that is to throw so much light on +the world.</p> + <p>"He is either too stupid or too sharp for us," sighs the +Baker; "we can't do anything in that way. Suppose we set up an +opposition store, with one of your sons for Proprietor, and see what +effect that will have."—"Good, it shall be done," says the Butcher.</p> + <p>Soon an empty store adjoining is hired, and being put in +order, when the hitherto blind Proprietor wakes up to the fact that +there is a coalition against him, and that he had better be stirring or +he will lose his trade. Accordingly he writes a remonstrance to his +friend the Butcher, telling him "he wishes no rival in the trade. He +has always had a monopoly, and he intends to keep it." His apprentices +back him up in his assertions, and declare they are ready to die for +him and their candlesticks. The advent of the messenger is noticed with +inward rejoicing by the twain, but, when he presents his remonstrance, +he is immediately kicked out of doors.</p> + <p>That is the last feather, the one straw too much, and the +excitable little Candlestick-maker at once challenges his opponents to +deadly combat.</p> + <p>The Poet, with a sublime contempt for the mysterious and +wonderful intricacies of war, significantly calls this rush to arms a +"jumping into a rotten potato."</p> + <p>Alas! it proves a rotten potato to the poor Candlestick-maker. +Out sallies the Butcher with his cleaver, and his boys with their +knives, and by his side the Baker with his rolling-pin, followed by his +crowd of friends armed with toasting-forks and cutting-irons, +presenting a formidable front to the astonished JOHNNY and his handful +of apprentices.</p> + <p>But there is no back-door to creep out through now; so at it +they go, Valor against Might, but Might is the stronger, and Valor gets +knocked on the head and has to fall back. This exasperates the heroic +defenders of the shop, who exclaim, "If you can't fight any better than +that, you had better leave," and immediately begin an attack in his +rear.</p> + <p>The poor man, astonished at this unlooked-for defection from +his ranks, turns his eyes imploringly around for aid, but sees none +that can avail him. He hears on all sides the shout, "Clear out, clear +out. If you can't win the battle for yourself, we will win it for +ourselves, and keep the spoils." Sadly he views the situation; he feels +the kicks of the Candlestick-makers in the rear, and he knows there is +no hope for him. But his beloved store! he will save that if he can; he +will offer himself as a sacrifice.</p> + <p>With compressed lips he walks to the Butcher, and says, "You +have got the best of me; I'll give in. Stop the fighting." BILLY, +overjoyed at the victory, embraces him, and is about to give the order +for retreat, when the wily Baker whispers, "The shop is there yet, and +it is that that troubles us as much as the man. Let us keep at it till +we demolish it, and thus put a stop to all future controversy. After +killing the old fox, don't leave a nest of young ones to grow up and +bite us. What is their loss is our gain, you know. Do you understand?" +"Yah, Yah!"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Latest from Below.</b></p> + <p>An unsophisticated young imp, who had not long been in Hades, +was cowering over a small fire in a distant corner, endeavoring to keep +from freezing, when his Impious Majesty himself heard the youth +soliloquizing: "When will LIE BIG, the editor of the <i>Sun</i>, keep +me company?" "You blockhead!" exclaimed his Majesty, "LIE BIG, the +editor of the <i>Sun</i>, is not coming back for some time; he is of +more service to me on earth, making converts for my jurisdiction, than +the public are probably aware."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/89.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>ENGAGEMENT IN HIGH LIFE.</b></p> + <p>Perhaps it is not generally known that Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY +desires to leave one field only that she may enter another; in other +words, that the lady contemplates marriage. Our authority is uncertain +whether the prospective groom is one of our border aborigines or an +ex-Fenian leader of noted gallantry. We have, however, ventured upon +the following sketch illustrative, in advance, of the reception, and +which, in the absence of more explicit information, we may as well call—</p> + <p>ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRICK.</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/90.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A CARPET GENERAL.</b></p> + <p><i>Brigadier-General Woodford</i>. "DEAR ME, WHAT A +DISAGREEABLE SMELL! WONDER WHAT IT CAN BE?"</p> + <p><i>Lady</i>. "OH! THAT'S GUNPOWDER, GENERAL."</p> + <p><i>Brigadier-General Woodford</i>. "GUNPOWDER?—AW! IS IT? +NEVER SMELT ANYTHING OF THE KIND BEFAW."</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE.</b></p> + <p>EDITOR OF PUNCHINELLO: Sir:—I am the young lady, travelling in +New Jersey (perhaps they will next make a crime of <i>that</i>!), and +mentioned in a recent paragraph as having been asked by a person +(called a <i>man</i>) "if <i>this</i> was ELIZABETH?"</p> + <p>I insist, Sir, that I was right in resenting, as I did, the +impudent familiarity of this person (called a <i>man</i>), who, after +sitting for an hour or two in perfect silence (having first intruded +himself into the seat beside me without making any kind of apology), +abruptly turns to me and says, "Is <i>this</i> ELIZABETH?"</p> + <p>I insist, Sir, that I was right in asking the ruffian what he +meant. Consider the abruptness, Sir, of this question—this selfish +question, as it turned out, after a grim and gruff silence of an hour +and a quarter. Could not this unamiable person (called a <i>man</i>), +have prepared me for it by a few moments' affable conversation? Why +should he dare intrude his "Is this ELIZABETH?" with such brutal +abruptness? Not a sudden proposal from one of my numerous suitors could +have startled me more.</p> + <p>Look at the question, Sir, as pointing at my supposed +Christian name (I <i>have</i> one, but it is <i>not</i> ELIZABETH, +nor yet ELIZA); can you imagine anything more odiously familiar? "Well +known for his mild and gentle disposition" this "gentleman" of Brooklyn +may be; but there was no mildness, no gentleness this time, I assure +you! The language alone proves <i>that</i>!</p> + <p>The rudeness was all the more shocking and discomposing, from +the fact that I was at that moment contemplating the elegant features +of a gentleman at the other end of the car, who seemed not altogether +indifferent to my appearance (which he would have been, perhaps, had I +seemed of "uncertain age," as the low fellow observes who wrote this +paragraph), and there was every appearance of a growing interest in two +susceptible hearts, when this cold-blooded (but "mild and gentle") +person launched his brutal interrogatory, so selfish and unfeeling, +with such violent abruptness.</p> + <p>Look, if you will, Sir, at the question as referring purely to +the city which we were approaching. How did I know that my new found, +but already dear friend was not about to alight (as, indeed, he seemed +to be), and leave me to the disgusting society of this "mild and +gentle" barbarian sitting beside me in such a state of stolid +indifference, and thinking only of a vulgar town, and his still more +vulgar affairs in that town!</p> + <p>Consider again, Sir, the audacity of this person (called a <i>man</i>), +in repeating his odious question after the rebuke I had administered! +Yes, he actually repeated it! as though I were a long-lost +acquaintance, of whose identity he felt more than doubtful; I simply +said to him (though the slanderous report says I <i>screamed</i> it), +"You may think you are a gentleman, Sir" (and here I claim is evinced a +disposition to be fair even to an enemy)—"you may <i>think</i> you are +a gentleman, Sir, to address a lady so; but I do not wish to continue +any further talk with you."</p> + <p>You may fancy the state of my feelings, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, at +being obliged to make this little speech, and my friend at the other +end of the car looking on, with wonder in every one of his expressive +features, and the conductor at that instant coming in and shouting, +"ELIZABETH!" as though I were called for and must go that very instant. +Indeed, I felt very much like doing so—but not, I assure you, on +perceiving that the "mild and gentle" ogre I have been speaking of was +already going out. No; I was thankful I was going further, though the +behavior of the remaining passengers was not calculated to inspire me +with a very quieting sense of ease.</p> + <p>You will, I am sure, excuse the feelings of a lady who has +been insulted by a ruffianly person (called a <i>man</i>), and +affronted by a car-full of insolent and vulgar mob, called the American +Public. I hope the gentleman at the other end of the car will take for +granted that <i>he</i> was not one of this brutal mob.</p> + <p>Yours, with much feeling,</p> + <p>MEDORA EUPHEMIA SLAPSADDLE.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE LAST MOTTO OF THE JOHN +REAL DEMOCRACY.</span>—O'BRIEN, LED—WITH a hook.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/91.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE POLITICAL CAT'S-PAW.</b> JOCKO WOODFORD MAKES TOMCAT +LEDWITH USEFUL FOR PULLING THE ROASTED CHESTNUTS OFF THE FIRE.</p> + <br></center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN INTERVIEWS HORACE GREELEY.</b></p> + <p>Some unpublished Facts—H.G. of the Tribune reveals to H.G. of +Punchinello what he Knows of Farming.</p> + <br> + <p>"H. G. OF THE <i>Tribune</i>, I believe," said I, reaching +out and taking his lilly-white hand, one Saturday mornin at Chattaqua.</p> + <p>"Jess so," said he, politely, "and this is H.G. of +PUNCHINELLO. We're a helthy team at writin' comic essays—eh! Squire?" +And the hills, dales, and barn-yards resounded with our innercent +prattle.</p> + <p>"My bizziness, Mister GREELEY, is to see if you know as much +about agricoltural economy as you do about politikle economy. As I +useter say to culprits, who was bein tried before me when I was Gustise +of the Peece, you needent say nothin which will criminate yourself."</p> + <p>"Well, my lerned friend," said he, hily pleased at my happy +way of puttin' things, "foller me, and I'le show you what farmin on +scientific prenciples can do for a man."</p> + <p>Arm in arm we sailed forth, as gay and festiv as a pair of +turkle doves—HORRIS with his panterloons stuffed in his bute legs, and +the undersined with his specturcals adjusted on his nose.</p> + <p>"Do you see that piece of land over yender?" said he, pintin +to a strip of 10 akers. "That was a worthless swamp two yeer ago. For +$15,000.00 I made it what it is, and to-day, I'me proud to say it, my +farm is worth $1,750.00 more, with that 10 akers under cultivation, +than it was before I drained it."</p> + <p>"HORRIS," said I, wishin to humor him, "as an economist, this +shows your brains is in the rite spot."</p> + <p>He then took me in his garden, and showed me what his success +in the sass bizziness had been. "Do you see that 10 aker bed?" said he. +"Well! last fall I saw a lot of pie plant growing in a wild state. I +said nothin to nobody, but when it got ripe I saved the seed. This +spring I planted that patch of ground with it, anticipatin the biggest +crop of pie timber in the State. And, sir, jest as sartin as this white +hat was once new," said he, pintin to his old plade out shappo, "when +that stuff grode to maturity, I sent a cart lode down to the market, +and it was all sent back with a note, statin that burdocks wasn't worth +a cuss for pies. But," said he, takin me by the button-hole, "no man +can fool me agin on pie timber."</p> + <p>"As a farmer, HORRIS," said I, so as to keep the rite side of +him, "your ekal hasent been hatched."</p> + <p>He then shode me the remains of a young orchird; said he: "The +borers got into the roots of them trees, which trees cost me, within +the last two yeer, about $5,000.00. I tried all sorts of ways to get +rid of them. I even set my hired man to readin artikles on 'What I know +of farmin' to 'em. This put the grubs to sleep 'long at first, but they +finally stopt their ears up with clay, and wouldent listen. So that +dodge was plade out. I then bought a lot of ile of vitril and poured it +about the roots of them trees, and I tell you, friend GREEN," said he, +as tickled as a boy with his first pair of new boots, "it would have +made you laff to see them borers moosey."</p> + <p>"But," said I, "it killed them trees deader'n a smelt."</p> + <p>"Which don't amount to shucks, so long as the cause of +sientific farmin is benifitted, by showin bugs that the superior +critter man is too many meesles for the animile kingdom," was his reply.</p> + <p>"Them trees over there," said this distingished farmer, "was a +present to me. They come marked <i>pine</i> trees. It is over three +yeers since they was sot out, and not a solitary <i>pine apple</i> +have they yielded yet. I reckon it takes time for them to bear fruit," +said he in his simplisity.</p> + <p>"Not only time," said I, somewhat surprised, "but if you live +through all etarnity, you won't see a darned apple on them trees."</p> + <p>"But, Squire GREEN," said he, with a downcast air, "H. WARD +BEECHER says pine apples grows on pine trees, and as long as brother B. +spends all his salary in edicatin hisself for a farmer, he orter know."</p> + <p>"Brother fiddlesticks," said I, a little riled at hearin him +cote H.W.B. as a farmist. "HANK is a 4 hoss team at raisin food for the +sowl; but when you come to depend on sich chaps to raise grub and other +vegetables for the stomack, excoose me for sayin it, it haint H. WARD'S +fort, no more'n it is mine to outsing NILLSON for the beer."</p> + <p>We entered his poultry yard.</p> + <p>"You're old peaches on raisin fouls, I've been told," said I.</p> + <p>"Ker-r-rect," said he, "chickens is my best holt. Last spring +I had a favorite speckled hen—she was the specklest biped which ever +wore feathers. One day, I sot her on 300 eggs. That fowl done her level +best and spread evry feather, but she hadent enuff elasticity to cover +so much territory at one settin."</p> + <p>"Well, sir," said he, straitenin his form, up to its full +hite, "Sients come to my ade. I got a feather bed, and with a glue pot +bilt out that hen's spread."</p> + <p>"What," I says, "the hen dident hatch all them eggs?"</p> + <p>"Not exsactly," was his reply; "she would have hatched every +egg, but—but—but—," and he broke down and bust into teers.</p> + <p>"But—why?" I asked, soothin his perturbed spirrit.</p> + <p>"She had a great deal of pride that hen did. She was terribly +stuck up. Just as she got settled down for a good square old-fashioned +set, she was so proud of her position, that somehow or other, it struck + <i>in</i> and killed her."</p> + <p>We visited his barn, which was chock full of farmin tools. +Said he:</p> + <p>"It is allers a mistery to peeple how I make farmin pay, but, +Squire, between you and I, heer's where I reckon I've got 'em. Where I +loses in other branches I make up heer. Any and everybody which invents +a farmin masheen sends me one, and I gives them a puff. Every 30 days I +gets up a bee, to which I invites the nabors. With hammers we knock +them masheens to pieces, and, sir!" said he, blowin his bugle horn of +liberty with his cote sleeve, "as the Roman mother once said, 'these is +my tressoors,' for, sure's your born, the sales of old iron more'n pays +runnin my farm, losses and all."</p> + <p>The shades of nite was a fallin, so thankin H.G. for posten me +up on his farmin nolidge, I left him, with my mind fully made up, that, +with the Filosifer, the <i>pen</i> was a heep site mitier in his hand +than a farm is, in which opinion any well-bred, onprejodiced farmer +will fall into. Ewers farminly,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">Lait Gustise of the Peece.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/93.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</b></p> + <p>"AT A PRIVATE THEATRE IN THIS CITY MR. J—N SM—TH RECENTLY MADE +HIS <i>début</i> AS <i>Rolla</i>, AND CREATED A MARKED +SENSATION."</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE NEWMAN FUND.</b></p> + <p>About seventy of the artists connected with the illustrated +press of this city and Boston have contributed drawings for the benefit +of the family of the late WILLIAM NEWMAN, formerly one of the designers +of the London <i>Punch</i>, and who for the last ten years held a +prominent position among the graphic artists of this city. To this move +on the part of kindred spirits, PUNCHINELLO cries "Bravo!" The kindly +worker who has passed away from our midst would have been foremost +himself in moving thus when death or sickness had fallen upon a brother +of his guild. To aid his family, then, in the manner proposed, is the +best tribute than can be paid to his memory. Due notice will be given +of the arrangements for exhibiting and disposing of the contributed +pictures, to possess some of which, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will be a matter +of emulation with his New York readers.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/94.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>OUR BAD CHILDREN ON THE BORDER.</b></p> + <p><i>Missionary</i>. "AND IT CAME TO PASS THAT CAIN WAS WROTH +WITH ABEL, HIS BROTHER, AND ROSE UP AGAINST HIM AND SLEW HIM."</p> + <p><i>Comanche Warrior</i>. "HOW! HOW!—GOOD!—CAIN RED MAN, +EH?—ABEL WHITE MAN?—HOW! HOW! CAIN GET ABEL'S SCALP—GOOD!"</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>VENUS AND ADONIS</b></p> + <p>An Eclogue of the Period.</p> + <p>(Respectfully dedicated to the ladies of the Free-love +Pantarchy.)</p> + <div style="margin-left: 160px;"> <i>Venus.</i> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Adonis, +sweet, hide not thy blushing face:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What terrors masculine thy soul +abash?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And why with boyish pout dost mar +the grace</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of maiden lip and innocent +moustache?</span> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 160px;"> <i>Adonis.</i> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O +you dry up! I tell you. I'll be cussed</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If I'm a-going to stand such +pesky bother</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">From you strong-minded gals. And, +what's the wust,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I darn't touch ye.—G'long, 'r +I'll tell your mother!<br> + <br> + </span> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 160px;"> <i>Venus.</i> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And +feel'st thou then no solemn intuition—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No subtle psychological +vibration—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or instant, full, spontaneous +recognition</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of my pantarchic +self-annunciation?<br> + <br> + </span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For love is free, and mutual +reaction</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of kindred organisms airily</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Subsists and ceases, as 't gives +satisfaction:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We change with changes of +affinity.</span> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 160px;"> <i>Adonis.</i> </div> + <br> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now +just look here, you don't sponge no love free</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">At this here shop: it's +stealing,—that's the sin it is!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">What's more, too, if you want to +hang 'round <i>me</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You'd better just play light on +them affinities!</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A LETTER FROM THE "HUB."</b></p> + <p>THE BOSS TOWN OF NEW ENGLAND,</p> + <span style="margin-left: 2.75em;">October 1870 times.</span><br> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Hailing (not to say reigning) from this +august (and all the year round) place, I naturally feel privileged to +pour my troubles into your ears, with doubts as to their length. +[Length of what, troubles or ears?—ED.]</p> + <p>The fact is, no man was ever treated so badly or so seldom as +I have been. Others have "waked up" and found themselves famous. I've +practised waking for years, and never found myself in fame, or anything +else, excepting energetic "tailors' bills," and an occasional square +meal.</p> + <p>Thirsting for renown, I have coined my wealth of brains into +one transcending effort, and amid much travail of genius, and travel of +paw to pate, have produced the following</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"> ORIGINAL LINES,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br> +* * + * * + * *<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">———————————————</span> </div> + <p>which I dedicate to the late Political Convention, as +embodying the principles there adopted, with this difference, that, +while their Resolutions have no point, my resolution enables me to make +two points in every line.</p> + <p>While I'm not in the proverb business, I have a couple on hand +that are getting mouldy, so I send 'em along.</p> + <p>"Once go to grass, and your enemies will soon make a hey-day +over you."</p> + <p>"Get all you can, and can all you get."</p> + <p>But that reminds me of a Beautiful Tale:—</p> + <p>Deacon K---- lacked the confidence of the inhabitants of +M----. He was most sincerely detested for his hypocrisy and +double-dealing, and so very unpopular, that a few wags conceived the +idea of drawing up a paper requesting him to leave town.</p> + <p>Once endorsed by two or three respectable names, the joke +took; the paper circulated like wildfire and soon contained every +business name in the place.</p> + <p>A most horrible position to occupy in respect to one's +neighbors.</p> + <p>But the Deacon was a genius in his way. Getting possession of +the document, he adroitly changed the heading, and behold! the intended +rebuke was transformed into a humble petition to the President that +Deakon K---- be appointed Postmaster of M----. In due time the +appointment came, much to the consternation and chagrin of the +villagers.</p> + <p>The position was held one season in spite of all opposition; +but the Deacon did not prosper in the end, for after wandering about +the streets of New York a miserable outcast, he naturally drifted on to +the editorial staff of the <i>Sun</i>. The End.</p> + <p>Trusting, my dear 'NELLO, you will give me a good setting-up, +and cast my lines in pleasant places, I remain,</p> + <p>Yours in fun,</p> + <p>S. R. DEEN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>TIMELY.</b></p> + <p>They now put little watches on the outside of portemonnaies +and cigar-cases. There has been doubt expressed as to the value of +these time-pieces; but if they go as certainly as the money and the +cigars, they will do very well.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HEAVY.</b></p> + <p>There is now a strike among the blacksmiths, and as the men +have already come down very heavily, it is supposed it will be +successful.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/95a.jpg" alt=""> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES.</p> + <p>WHEN YOU HAVE NEW DRESSES OR BONNETS TO SHOW, ALWAYS GO LATE +TO CHURCH, SO THAT THERE MAY BE A FULL CONGREGATION TO PLAY OFF YOUR +AIRS AND GRACES UPON.</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>MR. PUNCHINELLO'S POLITICAL MANUAL.</b></p> + <p style="text-align: center;">I. QUALIFICATIONS OF A VOTER.</p> + <p><img src="images/95b.jpg" align="left" alt="N">ow and then Mr. PUNCHINELLO has noticed (with infinite scorn +and contempt) all the stuff and nonsense published in the newspapers +about registry and inspection, about citizenship and twenty-one years +of age, and other games and devices of that soft sort. The +qualifications of a voter may be stated with severe and scientific +accuracy, as follows:—</p> + <p><i>Ubiquity.</i>—By this is to be understood the power, not of + <i>being</i>, but of <i>belonging</i> in from six to twelve +Wards at the same time. Analogous to this is the capacity of being at +once a subject of VICTORIA REGINA and a loyal citizen of the United +States—a talent most exquisitely developed in the Hibernian nature.</p> + <p><i>Receptivity</i>.—This may be divided into two classes, as +follows:—</p> + <p>1. The material power, which is that of receiving from any +candidate any sum of money which, the said ass of a candidate may be +willing to pay for a vote.</p> + <p>2. The spiritual power, which is that of imbibing, at the +expense of the aforesaid candidate, any number of fluid pounds of +anything good to take, whether the same may be punches, cock-tails, +smashes, slings, or plain drinks.</p> + <p><i>Pugnacity</i>.—This is a quality by no means to be lightly +spoken of, especially in a District represented by that eminent +warrior, the Hon. Mr. MORRISSEY. Our fathers fought, bled, and died for +liberty, and the least an independent citizen can do is to be willing +to fight and bleed (and even he "kilt") in the same behalf. There is a +difference, however, between dying and being "kilt," which we need not +point out to those noble champions of liberty who are also of the +Celtic persuasion.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">II. QUALIFICATIONS OF AN EDITOR.</p> + <p><i>Mendacity</i>.—This is a talent mainly developed in the +manipulation of election returns. But it may be exhibited in various +other ways. Here, for instance, is an obnoxious candidate who is a +quiet, respectable, honest, church-going family man. The height of +mendacious talent is shown in representing this paragon of virtue to be +a brawler, a blackguard, a swindler, an infidel, and a bad husband and +father. If he mildly denies that he is any such person, the proper +course is to call him all the unpleasant names over again, adding, by +way of clincher, that he is popularly supposed to have murdered his +grandmother. This will floor him.</p> + <p><i>Verbosity</i>.—This is the power of writing two columns in +answer to a three-line paragraph—of twisting, turning, transmogrifying, +dissecting, kicking, cuffing, illustrating, turning inside out, and +outside in again the aforesaid paragraph. The real master of this art +will show his skill by the great number of times in which he will +manage to say "We" in the course of his lucubration.</p> + <p style="text-align: center;">III. QUALIFICATIONS OF A CANDIDATE.</p> + <p><i>Density</i>.—This indicates the utter incapacity of a +candidate to understand any public question. It is a very safe quality, +for the more he knows, the less likely is he to commit himself. It is +an equally pleasant quality, since it enables its possessor to take the +fence and to maintain it, while, by a sort of optical delusion, each +party supposes him to be upon its own side. It saves regular out and +out <i>lying</i>, if Mr. GREELEY will allow us to use so strong a +word. For instance, if asked, "Are you in favor of a Protective +Tariff?" the candidate may answer, "I am" (for he doesn't know whether +he is) or "I am not" (for he does not know but he may be a most +cantankerous Free Trader). In this way he may, with Roman honesty, +satisfy everybody, and promote peace and good-will and that sort of +thing in the handsomest manner.</p> + <p><i>Capillary Attraction</i>.—This is analogous to receptivity +in the voter. If the citizen drinks hugely, the candidate must be able +to keep up with him; and to have a sponge stomach equal to the +absorption of quarts, and even of gallons, is a piece of excellent good +fortune for the man who is fool enough to want to go to Congress, +instead of enjoying the delights of obscurity. Verily, he has his +reward. He who suffers in the gin-mills of New York may recover himself +in the Champagne-sparkling saloons of Washington.</p> + <p><i>Pecuniosity</i>.—"To him that hath shall be given." The +candidate must beg, borrow, or steal something to begin with. He must +possess a power of bleeding equal to that of twenty-four country +doctors.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO has here given a skeleton sketch of his great +work upon politics. The reader had better make the most of it; for the +Great Book will not be published until after the author's death, which +he doesn't think (if he knows himself) is likely to happen tomorrow. +And so he closes with a brief exhortation: Go on, worthy gentlemen! +Continue to spend, drink, war, falsify, for the good of your country! +Are you a Voter? Show yourself to be such indeed, by voting all day, +all the time, and at all the polling-places! Are you a Candidate? Show +yourself to be a good one by keeping your mouth shut (except for +drinking) and your pocket open! Are you an Editor? Ah! Mr. P. has +nothing to say to you. Mr. P. is an Editor too! We understand each +other, worthy brother! We know where the world keeps its cakes and ale!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CAPITAL REMOVAL.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO having been invited to attend and address the +Capital Removal Convention (so called) held in Cincinnati, wrote a +letter declining to be present, upon the ground that he was exceedingly +comfortable where he was. However, he added his views at great length, +but the ingrates did not even read his letter. In this he advocated the +removal of the Capitol to some point so distant that twenty-three +months of an Honorable Member's term of twenty-four months would be +spent in going and returning. At the same time Mr. P. suggested the +abolition of the salaries of the Members; and the passage of an act +making it a forgery for any member to print in <i>The Globe</i> a +never-uttered speech. But, alas for the wisdom of age! he doesn't see +that the Convention acted on any of these suggestions.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SMALL POTATOES.</b>—The "Murphy" Radicals.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> +<center><img src="images/96.jpg" alt=""> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">VERY APPROPRIATE.</p> + <p><i>Young Man</i>. "HELLO! MRS. CRUMBLETY, WHAT ARE YER DOIN' +ALONG ER THAT NEWFOUDLING DORG?"</p> + <p><i>Mrs. C.</i> "WELL, HE STRAYED INTO OUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT AND +AS HE DIDN'T SEEM TO HAVE NO MASTER, I THOUGHT I'D JEST TAKE HIM ROUND +TO THIS HERE NEW FOUNDLING HOSPITAL."</p></center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SARSFIELD YOUNG'S REMINISCENCES OF CHARLES DICKENS.</b></p> + <p>It is surprising that since Mr. DICKEN'S decease no one should +have conceived the idea of writing a sketch of that illustrious author. +It is perhaps too much to require that some competent person prepare +his biography, but the public have a right to expect at least a few +reminiscences. I am persuaded to sketch the following imperfect +outlines only from a conviction that the great novelist has in this +respect been neglected. I trust I shall not be deemed to have broken +the seal of private confidence in this disclosing how well I knew him, +and (what is still more remarkable) how well he knew me:—</p> + <p>[While Mr. DICKENS was on his first visit to this country, the +writer had not the pleasure of his acquaintance. He put up in +Philadelphia, at a well-known and fashionable boarding-house then kept +by an aunt of mine, at the corner of Second and Thirteenth streets. He +never said anything while there, until he came to pay his board bill, +when bidding my aunt farewell, he observed: <i>"Mrs. SAGOE, for +terseness and brevity, your steaks surpass any I have ever met with."</i> +Aunt Sarah had these words neatly framed, and they have hung in her +back parlor to this day.</p> + <p>Before he came again, the country had made wonderful progress. +A new generation had been born, including myself.]</p> + <p>When the steamer was signalled, I went down on the wharf. +DICKENS was standing near the rail, and wore a coat, vest, pants, and a +hat. I couldn't make out through the glass how much they cost, and I +forgot to ask him afterward. Shortly after she had hauled into the +dock, I went on board. We shook hands. Mr. DICKENS had a peculiar way +of reserving his right hand for this process, though on great occasions +he would use both. We employed all four, with the understanding that a +more formal demonstration should be made at PARKER'S. I offered to +carry his valise. Graciously declining my services, he betokened his +appreciation of my delicate attention by presenting me on the spot with +a complete set of his works—Author's Edition.</p> + <p>"My dear fellow," he whispered, "there's a Boston man down +below, blacking my other pair of boots, who'd feel hurt if I should let +anybody else take that bag."</p> + <p>I called upon him as soon as he was fairly settled, and found +him in his shirt-sleeves, writing vigorously. Mr. DICKENS'S intimate +friends are aware that he indulged in the habit, while writing, of +occasionally dipping his pen in the inkstand. I don't remember much +about the room except that there were several chairs (good chairs) and +a table in it. The distinguished occupant was sitting about nine and a +half feet from the door facing the Southwest, his hair well brushed, +head a little inclined to the right, except his eyes, which, were +inclined to twinkle as though he had just hit upon something +particularly bright and happy. The carpet was green with a red figure. +You could see in a moment that he was a man of genius. The room was +lighted with gas. Was it possible that the immortal author of +"DICKENS'S Works" was before me? [Upon the table was a cigar, half +consumed, an inkstand, three pen-holders, a bundle of envelopes, a +brass key, several bouquets, a paper-cutter, a stick of sealing-wax, a +quantity of writing-paper, a table-cloth (spread), a newspaper (the +date has escaped me), and such other things as are usually on such +tables.]</p> + <p>DICKENS, as soon as he saw me, stopped writing, wiped his pen, +ran his fingers through his hair, took out his watch and wound it up, +brushed his coat and put it on (not forgetting to place a rose in the +button-hole), and then, waving his hands very gracefully (he wore +high-priced studs and a pair of elaborately built sleeve-buttons), +addressed me as follows:—</p> + <p>Mr. DICKENS <i>(with tender embrace)</i> SARSFIELD!!!!</p> + <p>Mr. YOUNG <i>(representing American Literature)</i> +CHARLES!!!!</p> + <p>The remainder of our conversation was devoted to minor topics.</p> + <p>Early one morning we started from the Parker House, and +walking rapidly over West Boston bridge, passed through Cambridge, by +the Colleges, and kept on travelling, without speaking a word, the best +part of a couple of days, I should judge, though I didn't have my watch +with me. Suddenly he asked the name of the town we were rapidly +approaching.</p> + <p>"Great Harrington," said I.</p> + <p>"Is it possible?" said he. And we turned and walked home again.</p> + <p>His first reading in America was a private one to me. We had +come in from a thirty-mile walk, and I was somewhat tired. Taking up +the second volume of his History of England, he began in an easy, +careless way. So did I. I went to sleep. Just as he was finishing the +book I woke up; and when he asked me how I liked it, I told him frankly +that, in my opinion, it never would do in the world—the plot was too +eccentric.</p> + <p>He was a kind man. Frequently he would ride for days together +up and down a railroad, for no other purpose than to help take cinders +out of people's eyes.</p> + <p>He was fond of oysters, of children, dogs, and an +international copyright. I remember his meeting me once on Broadway and +he didn't recognize me. He never mentioned the incident afterward. It +has been said that he was also fond of dress. I regret that I never +asked him about this, though I recall the circumstance of my inquiring +where he had his vests made. Said he; "My waistcoats were made abroad."</p> + <p>He never liked to sit for his photograph; consequently, he +generally stood up.</p> + <p>It pleased him to receive letters requesting his autograph and +a lock of his hair. The articles were invariably sent by return mail. +He was also gratified at the privilege of shaking hands with people +whom he was never to see again. I once humored him by introducing in a +body two fire companies and a Sunday school.</p> + <p>As we parted he gave me excellent advice: "Write with vigor," +said he, "with sincerity, and blue ink; but don't write novels. It +might injure the sale of my books." I promised him I would not, and we +saw each other no more.</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"><big><b + style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. STEWART & CO.</b><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + </big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OFFER</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A SUPERB COLLECTION</span><br> + <br> +OF<br> + <br> + <big><big><big><b>New Fall Silks,</b></big></big></big><br> + <br> +SELECTED WITH THE UTMOST CARE,<br> + <br> +WHICH<br> + <br> +FOR IMPORTANCE AND VALUE,<br> + <br> +ARE<br> + <br> + <big>UNEQUALLED IN THE CITY.</big><br> + <br> +CUSTOMERS AND STRANGERS<br> +ARE RESPECTFULLY INVITED TO EXAMINE.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BLACK GROUND, WHITE STRIPED +SILKS,</span><br> +FOR YOUNG LADIES' SUITS,<br> +$1 per Yard.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY COLORED GROS-GRAIN STRIPES,</span><br> +$1.05 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A FINE ASSORTMENT<br> +OF<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Dark Chene Silks,</span><br> +SMALL PATTERN,<br> +At $l per Yard, worth $1.50.<br> + <br> +AN ELEGANT VARIETY<br> +OF<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CANNELE STRIPED SILKS,</span><br> +In all the New Colorings,<br> +At $1.50 and $1.75.<br> + <br> +20 CASES PLAIN DRESS SILKS,<br> +The largest assortment to be found in this<br> +Market, from $2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +3 CASES COLORED DRESS SATINS,<br> + <i>Very Rich Quality and High Colorings.</i><br> + <br> +BLACK GRAINED POMPADOUR BROCADED<br> + <big><big><big><b>SILKS,</b></big></big></big><br> +From $2.50 per Yard.<br> + <br> +500 PIECES BLACK DRESS SILKS,<br> +In every Variety of Manufacture.<br> + <br> +ALSO,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">THE "BONNET," "PONSON," AND</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A. 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STEWART "FAMILY"</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">AND IMPERIAL SILKS,</span><br> +From $2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT<br> +OF<br> +NEW COLORINGS<br> +IN<br> + <big><b>TRIMMING SILKS</b></big><br> +AND<br> +SATINS,<br> +CUT ON THE BIAS,<br> +From $1 per Yard.<br> + <br> +A SPECIAL DEPARTMENT FOR<br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">POPLINS</span></big></big><br> +HAS BEEN ORGANIZED.<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lyons Poplins, $1 per Yard.</span></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">REAL IRISH POPLINS,</span><br> +OF THE BEST MAKE. $2 PER YARD.<br> +With several Cases of the<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN POPLINS,</span></big><br> +IN LEADING COLORS,<br> +To Close at $1.25 per Yard, formerly<br> +$2 per Yard.<br> + <br> +ALSO,<br> +THE CELEBRATED<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"AMERICAN" BLACK SILKS,</span></big><br> +GUARANTEED TO<br> +Wash, and Wear Well,<br> +AT $2 PER YARD.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Broadway, Fourth Avenue,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">9th and 10th Sts.</span><br> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. 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Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" width="66%"> + <center> +<img src="images/98.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>COMMENDABLE ENERGY</b>.</p> + <p>Time: 4 o'clock P.M.</p> + <p><i>Mr. Quickly</i>. "HALLO! SLOWCOME, RARE HAPPINESS TO SEE +YOU THIS TIME O' DAY."</p> + <p><i>Mr. Slowcome</i>. "YAAS: BEEN ASLEEP SINCE YESTERDAY, BUT +MUST EXERCISE A LITTLE FOR THE DINNER PARTY AT DELMONICO'S, YOU KNOW."</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><small><small>"THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES"</small></small><br> +AND<br> + <small><small>"THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY."</small></small></p> + <p><b>GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & +73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York.</p> + <p><small>Execute all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>PRINTING,</b><br> + <small>Furnish all kinds of</small><span + style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>STATIONERY,</b><br> + <small>Make all kinds of</small><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>BLANK BOOKS,<br> + </b> <small> Execute the finest styles of</small> <b>LITHOGRAPHY</b><br> + <small>Makes the Best and Cheapest<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span></small> <b>ENVELOPES</b><br> +Ever offered to the Public.</p> + <p><small>They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the +United States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have +INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the most +complete, rapid and economical known in the trade.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>Travelers West and South-West Should<br> +bear in mind that the</small> <b><br> +ERIE RAILWAY<br> + </b> <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">IS BY FAR THE +CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST COMFORTABLE ROUTE,</span></small></p> + <p>Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI,<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">with all Lines<br> + </span> <b>By Rail or River</b><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, +MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, NASHVILLE, MOBILE,</span> <b><br> +And All Points South and South-west.</b></p> + <p><small>Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express +Trains, running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most +elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, being fitted +up in the most elaborate manner, and having every modern improvement +introduced for the comfort of its patrons; running upon the BROAD +GAUGE; revealing scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, +and rendering a trip over the <b>ERIE</b>, one of the delights and +pleasures of this life not to be forgotten.</small></p> + <p><small>By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., +Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; +cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn: +Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of 23d St., New York; and the +Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket +they desire, as well as all the necessary information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24,</span><br> +BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH,<br> +IS NOW READY.<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PRICE $2.50.</span><br> +Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by<br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING</span></big> +COMPANY,<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau Street, New York.</span></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS:</b> "Joy of Autumn," +"Prairie Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point."<br> + <b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> Sold in all Art Stores throughout the +world.<br> + <b>PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE</b> sent free on receipt of +stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, +November 5, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + +***** This file should be named 10104-h.htm or 10104-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/0/10104/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, November 5, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 17, 2003 [EBook #10104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + |to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered and Stamped, with New Title-Page, | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE-PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON, BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer; | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE. + +Miss CARROWTHERS having gone out with Mrs. SKAMMERHORN to skirmish with +the world of dry-goods clerks for one of those alarming sacrifices in +feminine apparel which woman unselfishly, yet never needlessly, is +always making, FLORA sat alone in her new home, working the latest +beaded pin-cushion of her useful life. Frequently experiencing the truth +of the adage, that as you sew so shall you rip, the fair young thing was +passing half her valuable time in ripping out the mistaken stitches she +had made in the other half; and the severe moral discipline thus +endured, made her mad, as equivalent vexation would have made a man the +reverse of that word. Flippant social satirists cannot dwell with +sufficient sarcasm upon the difference between the invincible amiability +affected by artless girls in society and their occasional bitterness of +aspect in the privacy of home; never stopping to reflect that there are +sore private trials for these industrious young crochet creatures in +which the thread of the most equable female existence is necessarily +worsted. Miss POTTS, then, although looking up from her trying worsted +occupation at the servant who entered with a rather snappish expression +of countenance, was guilty of no particularly hypocritical assumption in +at once suffering her features to relax into a sweetly pensive smile +upon learning that there was a gentleman to see her in the parlor. + +"'MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON,'" she softly read from the card presented. "Is +he alone, BRIDGET, dear?" + +"Sorra any wan with him but his cane, Miss; and that he axed me wud I +sthand it behind the dure for him." + +There was a look of desperate purpose about this. When a sentimental +young man seeks a private interview with a marriageable young woman, and +recklessly refuses at the outset to retain at least his cane for the +solution of the intricate conversational problem of what to do with his +hands, it is an infallible sign that some madly rash intention has +temporarily overpowered his usual sheepish imbecility, and that he may +be expected to speak and act with almost human intelligence. + +With hand instinctively pressed upon her heart, to moderate its too +sanguine pulsations and show the delicate lace around her cuffs, FLORA +shyly entered the parlor, and surprised Mr. PENDRAGON striding up and +down the apartment like one of the more comic of the tragic actors of +the day. + +"Miss POTTS!" ejaculated the wild young Southern pedestrian, pausing +suddenly at her approach, with considerable excitement of manner, "scorn +me, spurn me, if you will; but do not let sectional embitterment blind +you to the fact that I am here by the request of Mr. DIBBLE." + +"I wasn't scorning and spurning anybody," explained the startled orphan, +coyly accepting the chair he pushed forward. "I'm sure I don't feel any +sectional hatred, nor any other ridiculous thing." + +"Forgive me!" pleaded MONTGOMERY. "I reckon I'm a heap too sensitive +about my Southern birth; but only think, Miss POTTS, what I've had to go +through since I've been amongst you Yankees! Fancy what it is to be +suspected of a murder, and have no political influence." + +"It must be _so_ absurd!" murmured FLORA. + +"I've felt wretched enough about it to become a contributor to the +first-class American comic paper on the next floor below me," he +continued, gloomily. "And here, to-day, without any explanation, your +guardian desires me to come here and wait for him." + +"I'm sorry that's such a trial for you, Mr. PENDRAGON," simpered the +Flowerpot. "Perhaps you'd prefer to wait on the front stoop and appear +as though you'd just come, you know?" + +"And can you think," cried the young man with increased agitation "that +it would be any trial for me to be in your society, if--? But tell me, +Miss POTTS, has your guardian the right to dispose of your hand in +marriage?" + +"I suppose so," answered FLORA, with innocent surprise and a pretty +blush; "he has charge of _all_ my money matters, you know." + +"Then it is as I feared," groaned her questioner, smiting his forehead. +"He is coming here to-day to tell you what man of opulence he wants you +to have, and I am to be witness to my own hopelessness!" + +"What makes you think anything so ridiculous, you absurd thing?" asked +the orphan, not unkindly. + +"He as good as said so," sighed the unhappy Southerner. "He told me, +with his own mouth, that he wanted to get you off his hands as soon as +possible, and thought he saw his way clear to do it." + +The girl knew what bitter, intolerable emotions were tearing the heart +of the ill-fated secessionist before her, and, in her own gentle heart, +pitied him. + +"He needn't be so sure about it," she said, with indignant spirit. "I'll +never marry _any_ stranger, unless he's awful rich--oh, as rich as +anything!" + +"Oh, Miss POTTS!" roared MONTGOMERY, suddenly, folding-down upon one +knee before her, and scratching his nose with a ring upon the hand he +sought to kiss, "why will you not bestow upon me the heart so generously +disdainful of everything except the most extreme wealth? Why waste your +best years in waiting for proposals from a class of Northern men who +occasionally expect that their brides, also, shall have property, when +here I offer you the name and hand of a loving Southern gentleman, who +only needs the paying off of a few mortgages on his estate in the South +to be beyond all immediate danger of starvation?" + +Turning her pretty head aside, but unconsciously allowing him to retain +her hand, she faintly asked how they were to live? + +"Live!" repeated the impetuous lover. "On love, hash, mutual trust, +bread pudding: anything that's cheap. I'll do the washing and ironing +myself." + +"How perfectly ridiculous!" said the orphan, bashfully turning her head +still further aside, and bringing one ear-ring to bear strongly upon +him. "You'd never be able to do fluting and pinking in the world." + +"I could do anything, with you by my side!" he retorted, eagerly. Oh, +Miss POTTS!--FLORA!--think how lonely I am. My sister, as on may have +heard, has accepted Gospeler SIMPSON'S proposal, by mail, for her hand, +and is already so busy quarrelling with his mother that she is no longer +any company for me. My fate is in your hands; it is in woman's power to +either make or marry the roan who loves her--" + +"Provided, always, that her legal guardian consents," interrupted the +benignant voice of Mr. DIBBLE, who, unperceived by them, had entered the +room in time to finish the sentence. + +Springing alertly to an upright position, and coughing excessively, Mr. +PENDRAGON was a shamefaced reproach to his whole sex, while the young +lady used the edge of her right foot against a seam of the carpet with +that extreme solicitude as to the result which is always so entirely +deceiving to those who have hoped to see her show signs of painful +embarrassment. + +After surveying them in thoughtful silence for a moment, the old lawyer +bent over his ward, and hugged and kissed her with an unctuousness +justified by his great age and extreme goodness. It was his fine old way +of bestowing an inestimable blessing upon all the plump younger women of +his acquaintance, and the benediction was conferred on the slightest +pretexts, and impartially, up to a certain age. + +"Am I to construe what I have seen and heard, my dear, as equivalent to +the conclusion of my guardianship?" he asked, smilingly. + +"Oh, please don't be so ridiculous--oh, I never was so exquisitely +nervous," pleaded the helpless, fluttered young creature. + +"I reckon I've betrayed your confidence, sir," said MONTGOMERY, +desperately; "but you must have known, from hearsay at least, how I have +felt toward this young lady ever since our first meeting, and should not +have exposed me to a temptation stronger than I could bear. I have, +indeed, done myself the honor to offer her the hand and heart if one +who, although but a poor gentleman, will be richer than kings if she +deigns to make him so." + +"Why, how absurd!" ejaculated the orphan, quickly. "It's perfectly +ridiculous to call me well off: and how could I make you richer than +kings and things, you know?" + +The old and the young men exchanged looks of unspeakable admiration at +such touching artlessness. + +"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed her guardian, playfully pinching her cheek +and privately surprised at its floury feeling. "What would you say if I +told you that, since our shrewd EDDY retired from the contest, I have +been wishing to see you and our Southern friend here brought to just +such terms as you appear to have reached? What would you say if I added +that, such consummation seeming to be the best you or your friends could +do for yourself, I have determined to deal with you as a daughter, in +the matter of seeing to it that you begin your married life with a +daughter's portion from my own estate?" + +Both the young people had his hands in theirs, on either side of him, in +an instant. + +"There! there!" continued the excellent old gentleman, "don't try to +express yourselves. FLORA, place one of your hands in the breast of my +coat, and draw out the parcel you find there. * * * That's it. The +article it contains once belonged to your mother, my dear, and has been +returned to me by the hands to which I once committed it in the hope +that they would present it to you. I loved your mother well, my child, +but had not enough property at the time to contend with your father. +Open the parcel in private, and be warned by its moral: Better is wilful +waist than woeful want of it." + +It was the stay-lace by which Mrs. POTTS, from too great persistence in +drawing herself up proudly, had perished in her prime. + +"Now come into the open air with me, and let us walk to Central Park," +continued Mr. DIBBLE, shaking off his momentary fit of gloom, "I have +strange things to tell you both. I have to teach you, in justice to a +much-injured man, that we have, in our hearts, cruelly wronged that +excellent and devout Mr. BUMSTEAD, by suspecting him of a crime whereof +he is now proved innocent at least _I_ suspected him. To-morrow night we +must all be in Bumsteadville. I will tell you why as we walk." + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +SOLUTION. + +In the darkness of a night made opaque by approaching showers, a man +stands under the low-drooping branches of the edge of a wood skirting +the cross-road leading down to Gospeler's Gulch. + +"Not enough saved from the wreck even to buy the merciful rope that +should end all my humor and impecuniosity!" he mutters, over his folded +arms and heaving chest. "I have come to this out-of-the-way suburb to +end my miserable days, and not so much as one clothes-line have I seen +yet. There is the pond, however; I can jump into that, I suppose: but +how much more decent were it to make one's quietus under the merry +greenwood tree with a cord--" + +He stops suddenly, holding his breath; and, almost simultaneously with a +sharp, rushing noise in the leaves overhead, something drops upon his +shoulder. He grasps it, cautiously feels of it, and, to his unspeakable +amazement, discovers that it is a rope apparently fastened to the +branches above! + +"Wonderful!" he ejaculates, in an awe-stricken whisper. "Providence +helps a wretch to die, if not to live. At any other time I should think +this very strange, but just now I've got but one thing to do. Here's my +rope, here's my neck, and here goes!" + +Heedless of everything but his dread intention, he rapidly ties the rope +about his throat, and is in the act of throwing forward his whole weight +upon it, when there is a sharp jerk of the rope, he is drawn up about +three feet in the air, and, before he can collect his thoughts, is as +abruptly let down upon his feet again. Simultaneously, a sound almost +like suppressed swearing comes very clearly to his ear, and he is +conscious of something dimly white in the profound darkness, not far +away. + +"Sold again: signed, J. BUMSTEAD," exclaims a deep voice. "I thought the +rope was caught in a crotch; but 'twasn't. Try't once more." + +The astounded hearer feels the rope tugging at his own neck again, and, +with a half comprehension of the situation, calls "Stop!" in a +suffocating voice. + +"Who's there?" comes from the darkness. + +"JEREMY BENTHAM, late proprietor of first-class American Comic +Paper.--Died of Comic Serial.--Want to hang myself," is the jerky reply +from the other side. + +"Got your own rope, sir?" + +"No. One fell down on my shoulders just as I was wishing for it; but it +seems to be too elastic." + +"That's the other end 'f _my_ rope, air," rejoins the second voice, as +in wrath. "I threw't over the branches and thought it had caught, +instead of that it let me down, sir." + +"And drew me up," says Mr. BENTHAM. + +Before another word can be spoken by either, the light of a dark-lantern +is flashed upon them. There is Mr. BUMSTEAD, not three yards from Mr. +BENTHAM; each with an end of the same rope about his neck, and the head +of the former turbaned with a damp towel. + +"Are ye men?" exclaims the deep voice of Mr. MELANCTHON SCHENCK from +behind the lantern, "and would ye madly incur death before having taken +out life-policies in the Boreal?" + +"And would my uncle celebrate my return in this style?" cried still +another voice from the darkness. + +"Who's that spoke just then?" cries the Ritualistic organist. + +The answer comes like the note of a trumpet:-- + +"EDWIN DROOD!" + +At the same instant a great glare of light breaks upon the scene from a +bonfire of tar-barrels, ignited at the higher end of the cross-road by +young SMALLEY; and, to the mingled bewilderment and exasperation of Mr. +BUMSTEAD, the radiance reveals, as in noonday, Mr. SCHENCK and his +long-lost nephew standing before him; and, coming towards them in +festive procession from Gospeler's Gulch. MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON with +FLORA on his arm, the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON escorting MAGNOLIA, Mr. +DIBBLE guarding Mrs. SIMPSON, Mr. CLEW'S arm in arm with JOHN +McLAUGHLIN. Father DEAN and Judge SWEENEY, Miss CAROWTHERS, and the +SMYTHES. + +"Trying to hang yourselves!" exclaims Mr. DIBBLE, as the throng gathers +curiously around the two gentlemen of the rope. + +"And my old friend BENTHAM, too!" cries the Gospeler. + +"How perfectly ridiculous!" warbles FLORA. + +Staring majestically from one face to the other, and from thence towards +the illuminating bonfire, Mr. BUMSTEAD, quite unconscious of the +picturesque effect of the towel on his head, deliberately draws an +antique black bottle from his pocket, moistens his lips therewith, +passes it to the Comic Paper man, and eats a clove. + +"What is the meaning of this general intoxication?" he then asks quite +severely. "Why does this mass-meeting, greatly under the influence of +inferior liquor as it plainly is, intrude thus upon the last hours of a +Ritualistic gentleman and a humorous publisher?" + +"Because, Uncle JACK," returns EDWIN DROOD, holding his hands curiously +behind him as he speaks, "this is a night of general rejoicing +Bumsteadville, in honor of my reappearance; and, directed by your +landlord, Mr. SMYTHE, we have come out to make you join in our cheer. We +are all heartily sorry for the great anguish you have endured in +consequence of my unexplained absence. Let me tell you ow it was, as I +have already told all our friends here. You know where you placed me +while you were in your clove-trance, and I was o unbecomingly asleep, on +Christmas night. Well, I was discovered there, in less than three hours +thereafter, by JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, who carried me to his own house, and +there managed to awaken me. Recovering my senses, I was disgusted with +myself, ashamed of what had happened, and anxious to leave +Bumsteadville. I swore 'Old Mortarity' to secrecy--" + +"--Which I have observed," explains MCLAUGHLIN, nodding. + +"--And started immediately for Egypt, in Illinois," continues Mr. DROOD. +"There I went into railroading; am engaged to a nice little girl there; +and came back two days ago to explain myself all around, returning here, +I saw JOHN MCLAUGHLIN first, who told me that a certain Mr. CLEWS was +here to unravel the Mystery about me, and persuaded me to let Mr. CLEWS +work you into another visit to the cellar the Pauper Burial Ground, and +there appear to you as my own ghost, before finally revealing myself as +I now do." + +The glassy eyes of the Ritualistic organist are fixed upon him in a most +uncomfortable manner, but no comment comes. + +"And I, Mr. BUMSTEAD," says the old lawyer, "must apologize to you for +having indulged a wrong suspicion. Possibly you were rather rash in +charging everybody else with assassination and larceny, and offering to +marry my ward upon the strength of her dislike to you; but we'll say no +more of those things now. Miss POTTS has consented to become Mrs. +PENDRAGON; Miss PENDRAGON is the betrothed of Rev. Mr. SIMPSON,--" + +"--Miss CAROWTHERS honors me with a matrimonial preference," +interpolates Judge SWEENEY, gallantly bowing to that spinster.-- + +"--Breachy Mr. BLODGETT!" sighs the lady, to herself.-- + +"--And three weddings will help us to forget everything but that which +is bright and pleasant," concludes the lawyer. + +Next steps to the front Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, with his surprising head of +hair, and archly remarks: + +"I believe you take me for a literary man, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"What is that to me, sir? _I've_ no money to lend," returns the +organist, with marked uneasiness. + +"To tell you the truth," proceeds the author of "The Amateur Detective," +--"to tell you the whole truth, I have been playing the detective with +you by order of Mr. DIBBLE, and hope you will excuse my practice upon +you." + +"He is my clerk," explains Mr. DIBBLE. + +Whereupon Mr. TRACEY CLEWS dexterously whips off his brush of red hair, +and stands revealed as Mr. BLADAMS. + +Merely waiting to granulate one more clove, Mr. BUMSTEAD settles the +rope about his neck anew, squints around under the wet towel in a +curiously ghastly manner, and thus addresses the meeting:-- + +"Ladies and gen'l'men--I've listened to y'r impudence with patience, and +on any other 'casion would be happy to see y'all safe home. At present, +however, Mr. BENTHAM and I desire to be left alone, if 'ts all th' same +t' you. You can come for the bodies in th' morning." + +"BENTHAM! BENTHAM!" calls the Gospeler, "I can't see you acting in that +way, old friend. Come home with me to-night, and we'll talk of starting +a Religious Weekly together. That's your only successful American Comic +Paper." + +"By Jove! so it is!" bawls JEREMY BENTHAM, like one possessed. "I never +thought of that before! I'm with you, my boy." And, hastily slipping the +rope from his neck, he hurries to his friend's side. + +"And you, Uncle JACK--look at this!" exclaims Mr. E. DROOD, bringing +from behind his back and presenting to the melancholy organist a thing +that looks, at first glance, like an incredibly slim little black girl, +headless, with no waist at all, and balanced on one leg. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD reaches for it mechanically; a look of intelligence comes +into his glassy eyes; then they fairly flame. + +"ALLIE!" he cries, dancing ecstatically. + +It is the Umbrella--old familiar bone-handle, brass ferrule--in a +bran-new dress of alpaca! + +All gaze at him with unspeakable emotion, as, with the rope cast from +him, he pats his dear old friend, opens her half way, shuts her again, +and the while smiles with ineffable tenderness. + +Suddenly a shriek--the voice of FLORA--breaks the silence:-- + +"It rains!--oh, my complexion!" + +"Rains?" thunders the regenerated BUMSTEAD, in a tone of inconceivable +triumph. "So it does. Now then, ALLIE, do your duty;" and, with a softly +wooing, hospitable air, he opens the umbrella and holds it high over his +head. + +By a common instinct they all swarm in upon him, craning their heads far +over each other's shoulders to secure a share of the Providential +shelter. The glare of the great bonfire falls upon the scene; the rain +pours down in torrents: they crowd in upon him on all sides, until what +was once a stately Ritualistic man resembles some tremendous monster +with seventeen wriggling bodies, thirty-four legs, and an alpaca canopy +above all. + +THE END. + + * * * * * + +THE RACE OF THE DAUNTLESS AND CAMBRIA. + +Punchinello's Sporting Special went down to Sandy Hook last week to +supervise the race between the _Dauntless_ and the _Cambria_. The affair +was consequently a great success. + +Attired in white corduroy breeches, a blue velvet waistcoat, and a light +boating-jacket of yellow flannel, your reporter left the Battery at 6 +hrs. 22 m, and 5 secs, on Friday morning, and steamed slowly down the +bay in the editorial row-boat _Punchinelletto_, which was manned by an +individual of remarkable oar-acular powers. So highly was he gifted +indeed in this respect, that your special was enabled to predict the +result of the aquatic gambols with perfect accuracy, as it afterward +appeared. Having got the yachts in position, he gave Messrs. BENNETT and +ASHBURY an audience, in which it was settled by your representative +that, owing to a split in the _Cambria's_ club-topsail, both parties +should carry their block-headed jibs; and the contest was begun. + +In his anxiety to see fair play, however, your reporter at first +innocently took the lead, shooting off, at the given signal, far in +advance of the two yachts. His surprise was therefore great when the +latter suddenly hove to on their beam-ends, and declared an armistice, +to permit of Mr. ASHBURY'S publishing the following: + +_Card_. + +Much as I appreciate the kindness and attention extended to me on all +previous occasions in these waters, I must still politely insist that +the _Punchinelletto_ relinquish her natural and perhaps unavoidable +tendency to take the wind out of everybody's sails, and submit to remain +in the wake of these yachts during the continuance of the race. And I +hereby challenge all fast-sailing yachts of over 100 tons burthen, and +under 50, to a 15-mile race dead to windward and back again alive. + +(Signed) ASHBURY. + +Upon this your reporter manned the yard-arms, fired a salute of 100 +guns, and directed the Oar-acular to back water; thereby giving the +_Dauntless_ the lead, which she retained up to the end of the race. By +the clever management of her Tacks she succeeded in completely Nailing +the _Cambria_. On the home-stretch, however, the latter began "eating +up" on her to such an alarming degree, that it was feared the provisions +of the Dauntless would not hold out. By putting the crew on half-rations +of champagne and sponge-cake this awful calamity was averted. + +Excited by the presence of danger, your reporter forgot his habitual +caution, and giving his Oar-ist a hearing, made all sail for the +mark-boat. The tow-line was passed from the bows aft, and there attached +to the boat-hook, held by your representative. Upon this impromptu +clothes-line was crowded all the canvas, velvet, linen, and other +dry-goods appertaining to the gallant captain and his self-sacrificing +crew. The latter gentleman might have been seen under this gay cloud of +drapery working fitfully but energetically to and fro. But 't was all in +vain! The _Dauntless_ passed the mark-boat, and the race was won. Won? +But by whom? + +The daily papers, with their usual inaccuracy, have made it appear that +the _Dauntless_ was the winner, but among thinking men there is but one +opinion in regard to the matter, an opinion fully explained and +corroborated in the following, published by Mr. ASHBURY, immediately on +the _Punchinelletto_ passing the mark-boat: + +_Card_. + +I take this opportunity of saying that whatever misunderstanding may +have arisen in the early part of this race as to the position of the +_Punchinelletto_, it is now but just to admit that she has shown herself +worthy, both in point of speed and management, to take rank among the +first-class yachts of the fleet, and I hereby challenge, &c., &c. + +(Signed) ASHBURY. + +This was further supplemented by a + +_Card_ from Mr. BENNETT. + +In token of my concurrence in the brilliant success of the +_Punchinelletto_, and my personal esteem for her commander, I hereby +beg to place at his disposal my yacht _Dauntless_, together with all her +stores, ordnance, by-laws, and small arms. + +(Signed) BENNETT. + +In reply to both of which your reporter circulated the following: + +_Reply_. + +It is my express desire that no public mention shall be made of the part +by which the _Dauntless_ was permitted apparently to win the race. It is +the duty of him who might have been victor to display a magnanimous +spirit to those who in that case would have been the vanquished. I must, +however, regret that circumstances of a peculiar nature prevent my +availing myself of Mr. BENNETT's kind offer. Though this will not stand +in the way of my accepting with pleasure--nay, even with alacrity--the $250 +silver cup appointed for the winner of to-day's race, as the just meed +of one who, though of a naturally retiring disposition, is forced on the +present occasion to acknowledge himself _facile princeps_. + +(Signed) Sporting Spec, _vice_ PUNCHINELLO. + +After waiting for Mr. BENNETT'S gig, or water-buggy, to row up and award +the prize, your special nodded majestically to the Oar-acular, who +thereupon steamed slowly up the bay again, arriving at the Battery in +the rosy dawn. + + * * * * * + +PRUSSIA'S POSITION PHILOSOPHICALLY PUT. + +German metaphysicians have settled so completely to the satisfaction of +their countrymen that "being" and "not being" are identical, that this +may serve to explain how, while holding possession of her share in the +partition of Poland, Prussia professes to be virtuously indignant at +France for retaining Alsace and Lorraine. + + * * * * * + +OUT OF THE PAN INTO THE FIRE. + +What with BISMARCK'S pangerrmanism, the CZAR'S panslavism, NAPOLEON'S +panlatinism, the spread of pantheism, the threatened metamorphosis +of pantalettes into pantaloons, ANDREWS' pantarchy, and +Fox's pantomime, the old regime seems going precipitately to pot. + + * * * * * + +A JUDICIOUS JEW. + +Such was the one who wished to contract for the sweepings of Steinway +Hall when he heard that NILSSON showered throughout the room +her precious tones. + + * * * * * + +EXIT "SUN." + +The newsboys in the streets no longer cry _The Sun_, with stentorian +voices, but in gentle whispers, fearing to disturb the repose of that +waning luminary. + + * * * * * + +TAPPING THE TILL. + +Is there any connection between the quite common offence in New +York of "tapping the till," and the nomination of a Mr. TAPPAN for +Comptroller by the JOHN REAL Democracy? + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS + +Pretty _Fraeulein_ Margarat asks me to go to church with her. She is not +a New Yorker--or, as Webster would probably say,--a New Yorkeress. She +is rural in her ways and thoughts, a daisy of the fields. Never having +seen the interior of a city church, she asks me to go with her to any +Protestant church that I may select. So we go to the shrine of St. +APOLLOS, which, I am told, is regarded as one of the most fashionable +houses in the city. + +It is a matinee service that we elect to attend. A long procession of +carriages is drawn up beside the building as we enter, and I recognize +in the coachmen the familiar faces that wait outside the ACADEMY on +opera nights. The organ overture is already begun, and the audience is +rapidly assembling. We enter the parquette--I should say, the body of +the church--and, standing in picturesque attitudes against the wall, +wait for the coming of the usher. We continue to wait. Evidently the +usher, in common with his kind, despises those who are not holders of +reserved seats. He welcomes with a smile the owners of private +boxes--pews, I mean--and shows them politely up the aisle; but for us, +who have not even an order from the mana--, sexton, I should say--he +has neither smile nor glance. + +By and by I pluck up courage and pluck him by the sleeve. So, with a +severe air of suppressed indignation, he shows us to a couple of +ineligible seats, where the draft disarranges MARGARET'S hair, and the +charity children drop books of the op--, that is to say, prayer-books, +and molasses candy in unpleasant proximity to our helpless feet. + +Neither MARGARET nor I possess a libret--, a prayer-book I mean. +However, that is a matter of no consequence, as we are both familiar +with the dialog--, or rather the service. The organist having ended his +overture, the service begins. Not even the wretched method of the +tenor--I refer of course to the clerk--and his miserably affected +execution of the recitative passages, can mar the beauty of the words. +The audience evidently feels their solemn import. The young lady and the +young male person who sit immediately in front of me clasp surreptitious +hands as they bow their heads to repeat the confession that they are +miserable sinners, and she whispers by no means softly to him of the +"frightful bonnets the SMITH girls have on." Presently the recitative of +the clerk is succeeded by a contest in chanting--probably for the +championship--by two rival choruses of shrill-voiced boys, who hurl +alternate verses of the Psalms at one another with the fiercest +intensity. MARGARET is betrayed into an inadvertent competition with +them, by reading a verse aloud, as had been her custom elsewhere, but +the charity children smile aloud at her, and the usher frowns, so she +sits down again with reddened cheeks. + +I say to her, "that this choir contest is an excellent feature, one that +is sure to draw." But she answers nothing, and busily reads the +libret--, the psalm, to herself. + +Then comes the litany. And here again MARGARET betrays her rural habits, +by repeating audibly the first response, thus encroaching on the +province of the choir-boys, who have now united, and form a fine and +powerful chorus, less picturesque perhaps than the Druidical chorus in +the first act of _Norma_, but quite as religious in its effect. After +which comes a hymn, executed by a soprano, who is really a deserving +little girl, and whom I little expected to find doing the leading +business in a first-class church, when I first saw her in the chorus at +the Stadt Theatre, seven years ago. MARGARET, warned by experience, does +not venture to interfere with the singing, to the evident disappointment +of the usher, who is watching her with the intention, plainly expressed +on his face, of peremptorily putting her out, if she sings a single +note. Then comes a recitation of the commandments by the leading male +perfor--, that is to say, by the rector, supported by the double chorus, +and the orches--, the organ, I should say; and then we have the sermon. + +I like the sermon. It is delivered with admirable effect, and is, on the +whole, more soothing than the average syrup of the apocryphal Mrs. +WINSLOW. The rector compliments us all on our many virtues, and +contrasts us with the supposititious sinners who are presumed to abound +somewhere in the vicinity of rival houses. The middle-aged men evidently +feel that he will make no mistake worth noticing, and so go to sleep as +calmly as though they were at BOOTH'S THEATRE. The middle-aged ladies +contemplate the dresses of their neighbors, and the young people flirt +with cautious glances. When the curtain--when it is over, I mean--we go +cheerfully away, like an audience that has slept through a Shakesperean +play, and feels that it has done its duty. And when we are once more in +the street, I say to MARGARET: "This has been a delightful performance. +There has been nothing said to make one feel disagreeably discontented +with one's self, nor has there been any impolite suggestions as to the +undesirable future of anybody, except the low wretches who, of course, +don't go to any church. How much better this is than the solemn service, +and, the unpleasantly personal sermons that we used to hear at your +little rural church." + +MARGARET.--"I do not like it. Why should boys be hired to pray, and +women to sing for me? Why should I be told by the preacher that I am +perfectly good, when I have just confessed that I am a 'miserable +sinner?' Why do you call this service religious, and Rip Van Winkle +theatrical? Believe me, St. APOLLOS deserves a place among your 'Plays +and Shows' quite as much as does BOOTH'S or WALLACK'S."' + +And I to her--"St. APOLLOS shall take its proper place in PUNCHINELLO'S +show. But permit me to say that you are very unreasonable. What do you +go to church for? To be made uncomfortable and dissatisfied with +yourself?" + +MARGARET,--"To be made better." + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A PASTOR ON POLITICS. + +The Reverend Mr. CREAMCHEESE congratulated the hearers of his last +sermon upon the encouraging religious aspects of the time, remarking how +pleasant it was in this fall season to find all the political parties in +the country so interested in making their election sure. We maybe +mistaken, but we think the Rev. gentleman's zeal outruns his discretion. +The preying of politicians is of a kind which we trust the clergy will +never seek to imitate; but now that Congress has undertaken to supervise +this matter of election, there no knowing what it may become in the +future. + + * * * * * + +AN EVASIVE REPLY. + +A Correspondent suggests that in No. 30 our artist has given Mr. C. A. +DANA, in representing him as refusing a bribe with virtuous indignation, +a two-cent-imental an expression. In reply, Mr. PUNCHINELLO--although +his own opinion is that the mistake has been in making it rather +dollar-ous than cent-imental--would refer his correspondent to the +artist. + + * * * * * + +A QUERY FOR SOL-UTION. + +Is it a fact that, because _Sol_ is the Latin for _Sun_, being on the +_Sun_ is therefore equivalent to being a SOLON? + + * * * * * + +TO THE DIPLOMATISTS OF THE HUB. + +Whether the Boston dip is a penny one or not, it is nevertheless +scandalous. + + * * * * * + +POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + + +CANTO IX. + + Rub-a-dub, dub, + Three men in a tub, + The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick-Maker, + They all jumped into a rotten potato. + +Behold the gentle Poet, now in the midst of the tumult of war. How +calmly he surveys from his elevated position the situation of the hosts +and the signs of the times. He hears the drums beat and the bugle call +to arms, and his soul is filled with martial ardor. Unable to wield the +sword, he seizes his poetical pen, resolved to become the Chronicler and +Historian of the war, and thus add his little mite for the improvement +of future generations. He decided that it must be characteristic, and in +keeping in style with his other productions: short, pithy, and +comprehensive; simple and amusing enough for a child; deep and sarcastic +enough for the most astute mind. + +He begins by describing in graphic style the sounds that first struck on +his ear and fired his manly soul--the beat of the rolling drum. Then +comes a description of the terrible conflict that occurred in his native +village, between the three most prominent men of the day. This, not to +be too verbose, he simply likens to being "in a tub." + +BILLY the butcher, stout, red-faced, and pugilistic, with his particular +friend MARC the baker, having become jealous of the beautiful shop and +immense patronage of JOHNNY the candlestick-maker, resolve to put an end +to it in some way, even if they have to fight him. + +That showy candlestick shop, with its gay trimmings and beautiful +ornaments, open every day before their face and eyes, and attracting +crowds of idlers who stand gazing in at the windows, or lounging around +the doors, is a little too much for the Butcher, who in vain displays +before his door the fresh-cut meat and the tempting sausage. True, he +has plenty of customers; but they come because they need what he has to +sell; they come of necessity, not for pleasure. The Baker experiences +the same vexation, as he sees his loaves passed by and mockingly made +light of. + +They bear awhile in silent envy the annoying sight of the rollicking +crowd and the joyful JOHNNY with his troop of apprentices, who have all +they can possibly do to attend to their numerous customers, and who +receive their broad pieces of money with a careless ease that makes the +fingers of the lookers-on tingle. + +At last human nature can stand it no longer. The two malicious +storekeepers put their heads together, and resolve to draw their +prosperous enemy into a fight that will ruin him and enable them to +smash his windows. Accordingly, they throw stones and dirt at him, but +he, intently interested in his store, notices them not. His noisy +apprentices and loungers around see and point out the insult, and urge +him to avenge himself. But no; he has no time to pay attention to petty +annoyances; he is too busy getting up a huge candlestick for the Fair, +and so, to smooth matters over, he sends his two enemies an invitation +to view the magnificent candlestick that is to throw so much light on +the world. + +"He is either too stupid or too sharp for us," sighs the Baker; "we +can't do anything in that way. Suppose we set up an opposition store, +with one of your sons for Proprietor, and see what effect that will +have."--"Good, it shall be done," says the Butcher. + +Soon an empty store adjoining is hired, and being put in order, when the +hitherto blind Proprietor wakes up to the fact that there is a coalition +against him, and that he had better be stirring or he will lose his +trade. Accordingly he writes a remonstrance to his friend the Butcher, +telling him "he wishes no rival in the trade. He has always had a +monopoly, and he intends to keep it." His apprentices back him up in his +assertions, and declare they are ready to die for him and their +candlesticks. The advent of the messenger is noticed with inward +rejoicing by the twain, but, when he presents his remonstrance, he is +immediately kicked out of doors. + +That is the last feather, the one straw too much, and the excitable +little Candlestick-maker at once challenges his opponents to deadly +combat. + +The Poet, with a sublime contempt for the mysterious and wonderful +intricacies of war, significantly calls this rush to arms a "jumping +into a rotten potato." + +Alas! it proves a rotten potato to the poor Candlestick-maker. Out +sallies the Butcher with his cleaver, and his boys with their knives, +and by his side the Baker with his rolling-pin, followed by his crowd of +friends armed with toasting-forks and cutting-irons, presenting a +formidable front to the astonished JOHNNY and his handful of +apprentices. + +But there is no back-door to creep out through now; so at it they go, +Valor against Might, but Might is the stronger, and Valor gets knocked +on the head and has to fall back. This exasperates the heroic defenders +of the shop, who exclaim, "If you can't fight any better than that, you +had better leave," and immediately begin an attack in his rear. + +The poor man, astonished at this unlooked-for defection from his ranks, +turns his eyes imploringly around for aid, but sees none that can avail +him. He hears on all sides the shout, "Clear out, clear out. If you +can't win the battle for yourself, we will win it for ourselves, and +keep the spoils." Sadly he views the situation; he feels the kicks of +the Candlestick-makers in the rear, and he knows there is no hope for +him. But his beloved store! he will save that if he can; he will offer +himself as a sacrifice. + +With compressed lips he walks to the Butcher, and says, "You have got +the best of me; I'll give in. Stop the fighting." BILLY, overjoyed at +the victory, embraces him, and is about to give the order for retreat, +when the wily Baker whispers, "The shop is there yet, and it is that +that troubles us as much as the man. Let us keep at it till we demolish +it, and thus put a stop to all future controversy. After killing the old +fox, don't leave a nest of young ones to grow up and bite us. What is +their loss is our gain, you know. Do you understand?" "Yah, Yah!" + + * * * * * + +Latest from Below. + +An unsophisticated young imp, who had not long been in Hades, was +cowering over a small fire in a distant corner, endeavoring to keep from +freezing, when his Impious Majesty himself heard the youth +soliloquizing: "When will LIE BIG, the editor of the _Sun_, keep me +company?" "You blockhead!" exclaimed his Majesty, "LIE BIG, the editor +of the _Sun_, is not coming back for some time; he is of more service to +me on earth, making converts for my jurisdiction, than the public are +probably aware." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENGAGEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. + +Perhaps it is not generally known that Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY desires to +leave one field only that she may enter another; in other words, that +the lady contemplates marriage. Our authority is uncertain whether the +prospective groom is one of our border aborigines or an ex-Fenian leader +of noted gallantry. We have, however, ventured upon the following sketch +illustrative, in advance, of the reception, and which, in the absence of +more explicit information, we may as well call-- + +ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRICK.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CARPET GENERAL. + +_Brigadier-General Woodford_. "DEAR ME, WHAT A DISAGREEABLE SMELL! +WONDER WHAT IT CAN BE?" + +_Lady_. "OH! THAT'S GUNPOWDER, GENERAL." + +_Brigadier-General Woodford_. "GUNPOWDER?--AW! IS IT? NEVER SMELT +ANYTHING OF THE KIND BEFAW."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE. + +EDITOR OF PUNCHINELLO: Sir:--I am the young lady, travelling in New +Jersey (perhaps they will next make a crime of _that_!), and mentioned +in a recent paragraph as having been asked by a person (called a _man_) +"if _this_ was ELIZABETH?" + +I insist, Sir, that I was right in resenting, as I did, the impudent +familiarity of this person (called a _man_), who, after sitting for an +hour or two in perfect silence (having first intruded himself into the +seat beside me without making any kind of apology), abruptly turns to me +and says, "Is _this_ ELIZABETH?" + +I insist, Sir, that I was right in asking the ruffian what he meant. +Consider the abruptness, Sir, of this question--this selfish question, +as it turned out, after a grim and gruff silence of an hour and a +quarter. Could not this unamiable person (called a _man_), have prepared +me for it by a few moments' affable conversation? Why should he dare +intrude his "Is this ELIZABETH?" with such brutal abruptness? Not a +sudden proposal from one of my numerous suitors could have startled me +more. + +Look at the question, Sir, as pointing at my supposed Christian name (I +_have_ one, but it is _not_ ELIZABETH, nor yet ELIZA); can you imagine +anything more odiously familiar? "Well known for his mild and gentle +disposition" this "gentleman" of Brooklyn may be; but there was no +mildness, no gentleness this time, I assure you! The language alone +proves _that_! + +The rudeness was all the more shocking and discomposing, from the fact +that I was at that moment contemplating the elegant features of a +gentleman at the other end of the car, who seemed not altogether +indifferent to my appearance (which he would have been, perhaps, had I +seemed of "uncertain age," as the low fellow observes who wrote this +paragraph), and there was every appearance of a growing interest in two +susceptible hearts, when this cold-blooded (but "mild and gentle") +person launched his brutal interrogatory, so selfish and unfeeling, with +such violent abruptness. + +Look, if you will, Sir, at the question as referring purely to the city +which we were approaching. How did I know that my new found, but already +dear friend was not about to alight (as, indeed, he seemed to be), and +leave me to the disgusting society of this "mild and gentle" barbarian +sitting beside me in such a state of stolid indifference, and thinking +only of a vulgar town, and his still more vulgar affairs in that town! + +Consider again, Sir, the audacity of this person (called a _man_), in +repeating his odious question after the rebuke I had administered! Yes, +he actually repeated it! as though I were a long-lost acquaintance, of +whose identity he felt more than doubtful; I simply said to him (though +the slanderous report says I _screamed_ it), "You may think you are a +gentleman, Sir" (and here I claim is evinced a disposition to be fair +even to an enemy)--"you may _think_ you are a gentleman, Sir, to address +a lady so; but I do not wish to continue any further talk with you." + +You may fancy the state of my feelings, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, at being +obliged to make this little speech, and my friend at the other end of +the car looking on, with wonder in every one of his expressive features, +and the conductor at that instant coming in and shouting, "ELIZABETH!" +as though I were called for and must go that very instant. Indeed, I +felt very much like doing so--but not, I assure you, on perceiving that +the "mild and gentle" ogre I have been speaking of was already going +out. No; I was thankful I was going further, though the behavior of the +remaining passengers was not calculated to inspire me with a very +quieting sense of ease. + +You will, I am sure, excuse the feelings of a lady who has been insulted +by a ruffianly person (called a _man_), and affronted by a car-full of +insolent and vulgar mob, called the American Public. I hope the +gentleman at the other end of the car will take for granted that _he_ +was not one of this brutal mob. + +Yours, with much feeling, + +MEDORA EUPHEMIA SLAPSADDLE. + + * * * * * + +THE LAST MOTTO OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY.--O'BRIEN, +LED--WITH a hook. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL CAT'S-PAW. JOCKO WOODFORD MAKES TOMCAT +LEDWITH USEFUL FOR PULLING THE ROASTED CHESTNUTS OFF THE FIRE.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN INTERVIEWS HORACE GREELEY. + + +Some unpublished Facts--H.G. of the Tribune reveals to H.G. of +Punchinello what he Knows of Farming. + + +"H. G. OF THE _Tribune_, I believe," said I, reaching out and taking his +lilly-white hand, one Saturday mornin at Chattaqua. + +"Jess so," said he, politely, "and this is H.G. of PUNCHINELLO. We're a +helthy team at writin' comic essays--eh! Squire?" And the hills, dales, +and barn-yards resounded with our innercent prattle. + +"My bizziness, Mister GREELEY, is to see if you know as much about +agricoltural economy as you do about politikle economy. As I useter say +to culprits, who was bein tried before me when I was Gustise of the +Peece, you needent say nothin which will criminate yourself." + +"Well, my lerned friend," said he, hily pleased at my happy way of +puttin' things, "foller me, and I'le show you what farmin on scientific +prenciples can do for a man." + +Arm in arm we sailed forth, as gay and festiv as a pair of turkle +doves--HORRIS with his panterloons stuffed in his bute legs, and the +undersined with his specturcals adjusted on his nose. + +"Do you see that piece of land over yender?" said he, pintin to a strip +of 10 akers. "That was a worthless swamp two yeer ago. For $15,000.00 I +made it what it is, and to-day, I'me proud to say it, my farm is worth +$1,750.00 more, with that 10 akers under cultivation, than it was before +I drained it." + +"HORRIS," said I, wishin to humor him, "as an economist, this shows your +brains is in the rite spot." + +He then took me in his garden, and showed me what his success in the +sass bizziness had been. "Do you see that 10 aker bed?" said he. "Well! +last fall I saw a lot of pie plant growing in a wild state. I said +nothin to nobody, but when it got ripe I saved the seed. This spring I +planted that patch of ground with it, anticipatin the biggest crop of +pie timber in the State. And, sir, jest as sartin as this white hat was +once new," said he, pintin to his old plade out shappo, "when that stuff +grode to maturity, I sent a cart lode down to the market, and it was all +sent back with a note, statin that burdocks wasn't worth a cuss for +pies. But," said he, takin me by the button-hole, "no man can fool me +agin on pie timber." + +"As a farmer, HORRIS," said I, so as to keep the rite side of him, "your +ekal hasent been hatched." + +He then shode me the remains of a young orchird; said he: "The borers +got into the roots of them trees, which trees cost me, within the last +two yeer, about $5,000.00. I tried all sorts of ways to get rid of them. +I even set my hired man to readin artikles on 'What I know of farmin' to +'em. This put the grubs to sleep 'long at first, but they finally stopt +their ears up with clay, and wouldent listen. So that dodge was plade +out. I then bought a lot of ile of vitril and poured it about the roots +of them trees, and I tell you, friend GREEN," said he, as tickled as a +boy with his first pair of new boots, "it would have made you laff to +see them borers moosey." + +"But," said I, "it killed them trees deader'n a smelt." + +"Which don't amount to shucks, so long as the cause of sientific farmin +is benifitted, by showin bugs that the superior critter man is too many +meesles for the animile kingdom," was his reply. + +"Them trees over there," said this distingished farmer, "was a present +to me. They come marked _pine_ trees. It is over three yeers since they +was sot out, and not a solitary _pine apple_ have they yielded yet. I +reckon it takes time for them to bear fruit," said he in his simplisity. + +"Not only time," said I, somewhat surprised, "but if you live through +all etarnity, you won't see a darned apple on them trees." + +"But, Squire GREEN," said he, with a downcast air, "H. WARD BEECHER says +pine apples grows on pine trees, and as long as brother B. spends all +his salary in edicatin hisself for a farmer, he orter know." + +"Brother fiddlesticks," said I, a little riled at hearin him cote H.W.B. +as a farmist. "HANK is a 4 hoss team at raisin food for the sowl; but +when you come to depend on sich chaps to raise grub and other vegetables +for the stomack, excoose me for sayin it, it haint H. WARD'S fort, no +more'n it is mine to outsing NILLSON for the beer." + +We entered his poultry yard. + +"You're old peaches on raisin fouls, I've been told," said I. + +"Ker-r-rect," said he, "chickens is my best holt. Last spring I had a +favorite speckled hen--she was the specklest biped which ever wore +feathers. One day, I sot her on 300 eggs. That fowl done her level best +and spread evry feather, but she hadent enuff elasticity to cover so +much territory at one settin." + +"Well, sir," said he, straitenin his form, up to its full hite, "Sients +come to my ade. I got a feather bed, and with a glue pot bilt out that +hen's spread." + +"What," I says, "the hen dident hatch all them eggs?" + +"Not exsactly," was his reply; "she would have hatched every egg, +but--but--but--," and he broke down and bust into teers. + +"But--why?" I asked, soothin his perturbed spirrit. + +"She had a great deal of pride that hen did. She was terribly stuck up. +Just as she got settled down for a good square old-fashioned set, she +was so proud of her position, that somehow or other, it struck _in_ and +killed her." + +We visited his barn, which was chock full of farmin tools. Said he: + +"It is allers a mistery to peeple how I make farmin pay, but, Squire, +between you and I, heer's where I reckon I've got 'em. Where I loses in +other branches I make up heer. Any and everybody which invents a farmin +masheen sends me one, and I gives them a puff. Every 30 days I gets up a +bee, to which I invites the nabors. With hammers we knock them masheens +to pieces, and, sir!" said he, blowin his bugle horn of liberty with his +cote sleeve, "as the Roman mother once said, 'these is my tressoors,' +for, sure's your born, the sales of old iron more'n pays runnin my farm, +losses and all." + +The shades of nite was a fallin, so thankin H.G. for posten me up on his +farmin nolidge, I left him, with my mind fully made up, that, with the +Filosifer, the _pen_ was a heep site mitier in his hand than a farm is, +in which opinion any well-bred, onprejodiced farmer will fall into. +Ewers farminly, + +HIRAM GREEN, ESQ., + +Lait Gustise of the Peece. + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +"AT A PRIVATE THEATRE IN THIS CITY MR. J--N SM--TH RECENTLY MADE HIS +_debut_ AS _Rolla_, AND CREATED A MARKED SENSATION."] + + * * * * * + +THE NEWMAN FUND. + +About seventy of the artists connected with the illustrated press of +this city and Boston have contributed drawings for the benefit of the +family of the late WILLIAM NEWMAN, formerly one of the designers of the +London _Punch_, and who for the last ten years held a prominent position +among the graphic artists of this city. To this move on the part of +kindred spirits, PUNCHINELLO cries "Bravo!" The kindly worker who has +passed away from our midst would have been foremost himself in moving +thus when death or sickness had fallen upon a brother of his guild. To +aid his family, then, in the manner proposed, is the best tribute than +can be paid to his memory. Due notice will be given of the arrangements +for exhibiting and disposing of the contributed pictures, to possess +some of which, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will be a matter of emulation with his +New York readers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR BAD CHILDREN ON THE BORDER. + +_Missionary_. "AND IT CAME TO PASS THAT CAIN WAS WROTH WITH ABEL, HIS +BROTHER, AND ROSE UP AGAINST HIM AND SLEW HIM." + +_Comanche Warrior_. "HOW! HOW!--GOOD!--CAIN RED MAN, EH?--ABEL WHITE +MAN?--HOW! HOW! CAIN GET ABEL'S SCALP--GOOD!"] + + * * * * * + +VENUS AND ADONIS + +An Eclogue of the Period. + +(Respectfully dedicated to the ladies of the Free-love Pantarchy.) + +_Venus._ + + Adonis, sweet, hide not thy blushing face: + What terrors masculine thy soul abash? + And why with boyish pout dost mar the grace + Of maiden lip and innocent moustache? + +_Adonis._ + + O you dry up! I tell you. I'll be cussed + If I'm a-going to stand such pesky bother + From you strong-minded gals. And, what's the wust, + I darn't touch ye.--G'long, 'r I'll tell your mother! + +_Venus._ + + And feel'st thou then no solemn intuition-- + No subtle psychological vibration-- + Or instant, full, spontaneous recognition + Of my pantarchic self-annunciation? + + For love is free, and mutual reaction + Of kindred organisms airily + Subsists and ceases, as 't gives satisfaction: + We change with changes of affinity. + +_Adonis._ + + Now just look here, you don't sponge no love free + At this here shop: it's stealing,--that's the sin it is! + What's more, too, if you want to hang 'round _me_ + You'd better just play light on them affinities! + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM THE "HUB." + +THE BOSS TOWN OF NEW ENGLAND, + + October 1870 times. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Hailing (not to say reigning) from this august (and +all the year round) place, I naturally feel privileged to pour my +troubles into your ears, with doubts as to their length. [Length of +what, troubles or ears?--ED.] + +The fact is, no man was ever treated so badly or so seldom as I have +been. Others have "waked up" and found themselves famous. I've practised +waking for years, and never found myself in fame, or anything else, +excepting energetic "tailors' bills," and an occasional square meal. + +Thirsting for renown, I have coined my wealth of brains into one +transcending effort, and amid much travail of genius, and travel of paw +to pate, have produced the following + +ORIGINAL LINES, + +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- + +* * * * * * + +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- +---------------------------------------- + +which I dedicate to the late Political Convention, as embodying the +principles there adopted, with this difference, that, while their +Resolutions have no point, my resolution enables me to make two points +in every line. + +While I'm not in the proverb business, I have a couple on hand that are +getting mouldy, so I send 'em along. + +"Once go to grass, and your enemies will soon make a hey-day over you." + +"Get all you can, and can all you get." + +But that reminds me of a Beautiful Tale:-- + +Deacon K---- lacked the confidence of the inhabitants of M----. He was +most sincerely detested for his hypocrisy and double-dealing, and so +very unpopular, that a few wags conceived the idea of drawing up a paper +requesting him to leave town. + +Once endorsed by two or three respectable names, the joke took; the +paper circulated like wildfire and soon contained every business name in +the place. + +A most horrible position to occupy in respect to one's neighbors. + +But the Deacon was a genius in his way. Getting possession of the +document, he adroitly changed the heading, and behold! the intended +rebuke was transformed into a humble petition to the President that +Deakon K---- be appointed Postmaster of M----. In due time the +appointment came, much to the consternation and chagrin of the +villagers. + +The position was held one season in spite of all opposition; but the +Deacon did not prosper in the end, for after wandering about the streets +of New York a miserable outcast, he naturally drifted on to the +editorial staff of the _Sun_. The End. + +Trusting, my dear 'NELLO, you will give me a good setting-up, and cast +my lines in pleasant places, I remain, + +Yours in fun, + +S. R. DEEN. + + * * * * * + +TIMELY. + +They now put little watches on the outside of portemonnaies and +cigar-cases. There has been doubt expressed as to the value of these +time-pieces; but if they go as certainly as the money and the cigars, +they will do very well. + + * * * * * + +HEAVY. + +There is now a strike among the blacksmiths, and as the men have already +come down very heavily, it is supposed it will be successful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES. + +WHEN YOU HAVE NEW DRESSES OR BONNETS TO SHOW, ALWAYS GO LATE TO CHURCH, +SO THAT THERE MAY BE A FULL CONGREGATION TO PLAY OFF YOUR AIRS AND +GRACES UPON.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCHINELLO'S POLITICAL MANUAL. + +I. QUALIFICATIONS OF A VOTER. + +Now and then Mr. PUNCHINELLO has noticed (with infinite scorn and +contempt) all the stuff and nonsense published in the newspapers about +registry and inspection, about citizenship and twenty-one years of age, +and other games and devices of that soft sort. The qualifications of a +voter may be stated with severe and scientific accuracy, as follows:-- + +_Ubiquity._--By this is to be understood the power, not of _being_, but +of _belonging_ in from six to twelve Wards at the same time. Analogous +to this is the capacity of being at once a subject of VICTORIA REGINA +and a loyal citizen of the United States--a talent most exquisitely +developed in the Hibernian nature. + +_Receptivity_.--This may be divided into two classes, as follows:-- + +1. The material power, which is that of receiving from any candidate any +sum of money which, the said ass of a candidate may be willing to pay +for a vote. + +2. The spiritual power, which is that of imbibing, at the expense of the +aforesaid candidate, any number of fluid pounds of anything good to +take, whether the same may be punches, cock-tails, smashes, slings, or +plain drinks. + +_Pugnacity_.--This is a quality by no means to be lightly spoken of, +especially in a District represented by that eminent warrior, the Hon. +Mr. MORRISSEY. Our fathers fought, bled, and died for liberty, and the +least an independent citizen can do is to be willing to fight and bleed +(and even he "kilt") in the same behalf. There is a difference, however, +between dying and being "kilt," which we need not point out to those +noble champions of liberty who are also of the Celtic persuasion. + +II. QUALIFICATIONS OF AN EDITOR. + +_Mendacity_.--This is a talent mainly developed in the manipulation of +election returns. But it may be exhibited in various other ways. Here, +for instance, is an obnoxious candidate who is a quiet, respectable, +honest, church-going family man. The height of mendacious talent is +shown in representing this paragon of virtue to be a brawler, a +blackguard, a swindler, an infidel, and a bad husband and father. If he +mildly denies that he is any such person, the proper course is to call +him all the unpleasant names over again, adding, by way of clincher, +that he is popularly supposed to have murdered his grandmother. This +will floor him. + +_Verbosity_.--This is the power of writing two columns in answer to a +three-line paragraph--of twisting, turning, transmogrifying, dissecting, +kicking, cuffing, illustrating, turning inside out, and outside in again +the aforesaid paragraph. The real master of this art will show his skill +by the great number of times in which he will manage to say "We" in the +course of his lucubration. + +III. QUALIFICATIONS OF A CANDIDATE. + +_Density_.--This indicates the utter incapacity of a candidate to +understand any public question. It is a very safe quality, for the more +he knows, the less likely is he to commit himself. It is an equally +pleasant quality, since it enables its possessor to take the fence and +to maintain it, while, by a sort of optical delusion, each party +supposes him to be upon its own side. It saves regular out and out +_lying_, if Mr. GREELEY will allow us to use so strong a word. For +instance, if asked, "Are you in favor of a Protective Tariff?" the +candidate may answer, "I am" (for he doesn't know whether he is) or "I +am not" (for he does not know but he may be a most cantankerous Free +Trader). In this way he may, with Roman honesty, satisfy everybody, and +promote peace and good-will and that sort of thing in the handsomest +manner. + +_Capillary Attraction_.--This is analogous to receptivity in the voter. +If the citizen drinks hugely, the candidate must be able to keep up with +him; and to have a sponge stomach equal to the absorption of quarts, and +even of gallons, is a piece of excellent good fortune for the man who is +fool enough to want to go to Congress, instead of enjoying the delights +of obscurity. Verily, he has his reward. He who suffers in the gin-mills +of New York may recover himself in the Champagne-sparkling saloons of +Washington. + +_Pecuniosity_.--"To him that hath shall be given." The candidate must +beg, borrow, or steal something to begin with. He must possess a power +of bleeding equal to that of twenty-four country doctors. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO has here given a skeleton sketch of his great work upon +politics. The reader had better make the most of it; for the Great Book +will not be published until after the author's death, which he doesn't +think (if he knows himself) is likely to happen tomorrow. And so he +closes with a brief exhortation: Go on, worthy gentlemen! Continue to +spend, drink, war, falsify, for the good of your country! Are you a +Voter? Show yourself to be such indeed, by voting all day, all the time, +and at all the polling-places! Are you a Candidate? Show yourself to be +a good one by keeping your mouth shut (except for drinking) and your +pocket open! Are you an Editor? Ah! Mr. P. has nothing to say to you. +Mr. P. is an Editor too! We understand each other, worthy brother! We +know where the world keeps its cakes and ale! + + * * * * * + +CAPITAL REMOVAL. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO having been invited to attend and address the +Capital Removal Convention (so called) held in Cincinnati, wrote a +letter declining to be present, upon the ground that he was exceedingly +comfortable where he was. However, he added his views at great +length, but the ingrates did not even read his letter. In this he advocated +the removal of the Capitol to some point so distant that twenty-three +months of an Honorable Member's term of twenty-four months +would be spent in going and returning. At the same time Mr. P. suggested +the abolition of the salaries of the Members; and the passage +of an act making it a forgery for any member to print in _The Globe_ +a never-uttered speech. But, alas for the wisdom of age! he doesn't +see that the Convention acted on any of these suggestions. + + * * * * * + +SMALL POTATOES.--The "Murphy" Radicals. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY APPROPRIATE. + +_Young Man_. "HELLO! MRS. CRUMBLETY, WHAT ARE YER DOIN' ALONG ER THAT +NEWFOUDLING DORG?" + +_Mrs. C._ "WELL, HE STRAYED INTO OUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT AND AS HE DIDN'T +SEEM TO HAVE NO MASTER, I THOUGHT I'D JEST TAKE HIM ROUND TO THIS HERE +NEW FOUNDLING HOSPITAL."] + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG'S REMINISCENCES OF CHARLES DICKENS. + +It is surprising that since Mr. DICKEN'S decease no one should have +conceived the idea of writing a sketch of that illustrious author. It is +perhaps too much to require that some competent person prepare his +biography, but the public have a right to expect at least a few +reminiscences. I am persuaded to sketch the following imperfect outlines +only from a conviction that the great novelist has in this respect been +neglected. I trust I shall not be deemed to have broken the seal of +private confidence in this disclosing how well I knew him, and (what is +still more remarkable) how well he knew me:-- + +[While Mr. DICKENS was on his first visit to this country, the writer +had not the pleasure of his acquaintance. He put up in Philadelphia, at +a well-known and fashionable boarding-house then kept by an aunt of +mine, at the corner of Second and Thirteenth streets. He never said +anything while there, until he came to pay his board bill, when bidding +my aunt farewell, he observed: _"Mrs. SAGOE, for terseness and brevity, +your steaks surpass any I have ever met with."_ Aunt Sarah had these +words neatly framed, and they have hung in her back parlor to this day. + +Before he came again, the country had made wonderful progress. A new +generation had been born, including myself.] + +When the steamer was signalled, I went down on the wharf. DICKENS was +standing near the rail, and wore a coat, vest, pants, and a hat. I +couldn't make out through the glass how much they cost, and I forgot to +ask him afterward. Shortly after she had hauled into the dock, I went on +board. We shook hands. Mr. DICKENS had a peculiar way of reserving his +right hand for this process, though on great occasions he would use +both. We employed all four, with the understanding that a more formal +demonstration should be made at PARKER'S. I offered to carry his valise. +Graciously declining my services, he betokened his appreciation of my +delicate attention by presenting me on the spot with a complete set of +his works--Author's Edition. + +"My dear fellow," he whispered, "there's a Boston man down below, +blacking my other pair of boots, who'd feel hurt if I should let anybody +else take that bag." + +I called upon him as soon as he was fairly settled, and found him in his +shirt-sleeves, writing vigorously. Mr. DICKENS'S intimate friends are +aware that he indulged in the habit, while writing, of occasionally +dipping his pen in the inkstand. I don't remember much about the room +except that there were several chairs (good chairs) and a table in it. +The distinguished occupant was sitting about nine and a half feet from +the door facing the Southwest, his hair well brushed, head a little +inclined to the right, except his eyes, which, were inclined to twinkle +as though he had just hit upon something particularly bright and happy. +The carpet was green with a red figure. You could see in a moment that +he was a man of genius. The room was lighted with gas. Was it possible +that the immortal author of "DICKENS'S Works" was before me? [Upon the +table was a cigar, half consumed, an inkstand, three pen-holders, a +bundle of envelopes, a brass key, several bouquets, a paper-cutter, a +stick of sealing-wax, a quantity of writing-paper, a table-cloth +(spread), a newspaper (the date has escaped me), and such other things +as are usually on such tables.] + +DICKENS, as soon as he saw me, stopped writing, wiped his pen, ran his +fingers through his hair, took out his watch and wound it up, brushed +his coat and put it on (not forgetting to place a rose in the +button-hole), and then, waving his hands very gracefully (he wore +high-priced studs and a pair of elaborately built sleeve-buttons), +addressed me as follows:-- + +Mr. DICKENS _(with tender embrace)_ SARSFIELD!!!! + +Mr. YOUNG _(representing American Literature)_ CHARLES!!!! + +The remainder of our conversation was devoted to minor topics. + +Early one morning we started from the Parker House, and walking rapidly +over West Boston bridge, passed through Cambridge, by the Colleges, and +kept on travelling, without speaking a word, the best part of a couple +of days, I should judge, though I didn't have my watch with me. Suddenly +he asked the name of the town we were rapidly approaching. + +"Great Harrington," said I. + +"Is it possible?" said he. And we turned and walked home again. + +His first reading in America was a private one to me. We had come in +from a thirty-mile walk, and I was somewhat tired. Taking up the second +volume of his History of England, he began in an easy, careless way. So +did I. I went to sleep. Just as he was finishing the book I woke up; and +when he asked me how I liked it, I told him frankly that, in my opinion, +it never would do in the world--the plot was too eccentric. + +He was a kind man. Frequently he would ride for days together up and +down a railroad, for no other purpose than to help take cinders out of +people's eyes. + +He was fond of oysters, of children, dogs, and an international +copyright. I remember his meeting me once on Broadway and he didn't +recognize me. He never mentioned the incident afterward. It has been +said that he was also fond of dress. I regret that I never asked him +about this, though I recall the circumstance of my inquiring where he +had his vests made. Said he; "My waistcoats were made abroad." + +He never liked to sit for his photograph; consequently, he generally +stood up. + +It pleased him to receive letters requesting his autograph and a lock of +his hair. The articles were invariably sent by return mail. He was also +gratified at the privilege of shaking hands with people whom he was +never to see again. I once humored him by introducing in a body two fire +companies and a Sunday school. + +As we parted he gave me excellent advice: "Write with vigor," said he, +"with sincerity, and blue ink; but don't write novels. It might injure +the sale of my books." I promised him I would not, and we saw each other +no more. + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | OFFER | + | | + | A SUPERB COLLECTION | + | | + | OF | + | | + | New Fall Silks, | + | | + | SELECTED WITH THE UTMOST CARE, | + | | + | WHICH | + | | + | FOR IMPORTANCE AND VALUE, | + | | + | ARE | + | | + | UNEQUALLED IN THE CITY. | + | | + | CUSTOMERS AND STRANGERS | + | ARE RESPECTFULLY INVITED TO EXAMINE. | + | | + | BLACK GROUND, WHITE STRIPED SILKS, | + | FOR YOUNG LADIES' SUITS, | + | $1 per Yard. | + | | + | HEAVY COLORED GROS-GRAIN STRIPES, | + | $1.05 per Yard. | + | | + | A FINE ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | Dark Chene Silks, | + | SMALL PATTERN, | + | At $l per Yard, worth $1.50. | + | | + | AN ELEGANT VARIETY | + | OF | + | CANNELE STRIPED SILKS, | + | In all the New Colorings, | + | At $1.50 and $1.75. | + | | + | 20 CASES PLAIN DRESS SILKS, | + | The largest assortment to be found in this | + | Market, from $2 per Yard. | + | | + | 3 CASES COLORED DRESS SATINS, | + | _Very Rich Quality and High Colorings._ | + | | + | BLACK GRAINED POMPADOUR BROCADED | + | SILKS, | + | From $2.50 per Yard. | + | | + | 500 PIECES BLACK DRESS SILKS, | + | In every Variety of Manufacture. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | | + | THE "BONNET," "PONSON," AND | + | A. T. STEWART "FAMILY" | + | AND IMPERIAL SILKS, | + | From $2 per Yard. | + | | + | A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT | + | OF | + | NEW COLORINGS | + | IN | + | TRIMMING SILKS | + | AND | + | SATINS, | + | CUT ON THE BIAS, | + | From $1 per Yard. | + | | + | A SPECIAL DEPARTMENT FOR | + | POPLINS | + | HAS BEEN ORGANIZED. | + | Lyons Poplins, $1 per Yard. | + | REAL IRISH POPLINS, | + | OF THE BEST MAKE. $2 PER YARD. | + | With several Cases of the | + | AMERICAN POPLINS, | + | IN LEADING COLORS, | + | To Close at $1.25 per Yard, formerly | + | $2 per Yard. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | THE CELEBRATED | + | "AMERICAN" BLACK SILKS, | + | GUARANTEED TO | + | Wash, and Wear Well, | + | AT $2 PER YARD. | + | | + | Broadway, Fourth Avenue, | + | | + | 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: COMMENDABLE ENERGY. + +Time: 4 o'clock P.M. + +_Mr. Quickly_. "HALLO! SLOWCOME, RARE HAPPINESS TO SEE YOU THIS TIME O' +DAY." + +_Mr. Slowcome_. "YAAS: BEEN ASLEEP SINCE YESTERDAY, BUT MUST EXERCISE A +LITTLE FOR THE DINNER PARTY AT DELMONICO'S, YOU KNOW."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | | + | AND | + | | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, 169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., | + | | + | New York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | | + | PRINTING, | + | | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | | + | STATIONERY, | + | | + | Make all kinds of | + | | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | | + | Make the Best and Cheapest ENVELOPES Ever offered to the | + | Public. | + | | + | They have made all the prepaid Envelopes for the United | + | States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and | + | have INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is | + | the most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West Should bear in mind that the | + | | + | ERIE RAILWAY IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, with all | + | Lines | + | | + | By Rail or River | + | | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | It's DRAWINGS-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express | + | Trains, running through to Cincinnati without chance, are | + | the most elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this | + | country, being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and | + | having every modern improvement introduced for the comfort | + | of its patrons; running upon the BROAD GUAGE; revealing | + | scenery along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and | + | rendering a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and | + | pleasures of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway, 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | IS NOW READY. | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, 10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50 for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2788, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2., No. 32, +November 5, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO 32 *** + +***** This file should be named 10104.txt or 10104.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/1/0/10104/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed +Proofreaders + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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