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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:52 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:33:52 -0700 |
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diff --git a/10092-0.txt b/10092-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58602ac --- /dev/null +++ b/10092-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2270 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10092 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | for | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent | + | postpaid, on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau St. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer Quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. 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BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +MR. CLEWS AT HIS NOVEL.[1] + +Thrown into Rembrandtish relief by the light of a garish kerosene lamp +upon the table: with one discouraged lock of hair hanging over his nose, +and straw hat pushed so far back from his phrenological brow that its +vast rim had the fine artistic effect of a huge saintly nimbus: Mr. +BUMSTEAD sat gynmastically crosswise in an easy-chair, over an arm of +which his slender lower limbs limply dangled, and elaborately performed +one of the grander works of BACH upon an irritable accordion. Now, +winking with intense rapidity, and going through the muscular motions of +an excitable person resolutely pulling out an obstinate and inexplicable +drawer from somewhere about his knees, he produced sustained and +mournful notes, as of canine distress in the backyard; anon, with eyes +nearly closed and the straw nimbus sliding still further back, his +manipulation was that of an excessively weary gentleman slowly +compressing a large sponge, thereby squeezing out certain choking, +snorting, guttural sounds, as of a class softly studying the German +language in another room; and, finally, with an impatient start from the +unexpected slumber into which the last shaky _pianissimo_ had +momentarily betrayed him, he caught the untamed instrument in mid-air, +just as it was treacherously getting away from him, frantically balanced +it there for an instant on all his clutching finger-tips, and had it +prisoner again for a renewal of the weird symphony. + +Seriously offended at the discovery that he could not drop asleep in his +own room, for a minute, without the music stopping and the accordion +trying to slip off, the Ritualistic organist was not at all softened in +temper by almost simultaneously realizing that the farther skirt of his +long linen coat was standing out nearly straight from his person, and, +apparently, fluttering in a heavy draught. + +"Who's-been-ope'nin'-th'-window?" he sternly asked, +"What's-meaning-'f-such-a-gale-at thistime-'f-year?" + +"Do I intrude?" inquired a voice close at hand. + +Looking very carefully along the still extended skirt of his coat +towards exactly the point of the compass from which the voice seemed to +come, Mr. BUMSTEAD at last awoke to the conviction that the tension of +his garment and its breezy agitation were caused by the tugging of a +human figure. + +"Do I intrude?" repeated Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, dropping the skirt as he +spoke. "Have I presumed too greatly in coming to request the favor of a +short private interview?" + +Slipping quickly into a more genteel but rather rigid position on his +chair, the Ritualistic organist made an airy pass at him with the +accordion. + +"Any doors where youwasborn, sir?" + +"There were, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"People ever knock when th' wanted t'-come-in, sir?" + +"Why, I did knock at your door," answered Mr. CLEWS, conciliatingly. "I +knocked and knocked, but you kept on playing; and after I finally took +the liberty to come in and pull you by the coat, it was ten minutes +before you found it out." + +In an attempt to look into the speaker's inmost soul, Mr. BUMSTEAD fell +into a doze, from which the crash of his accordion to the floor aroused +him in time to behold a very curious proceeding on the part of Mr. +CLEWS. That gentleman successively peered up the chimney, through the +windows, and under the furniture of the room, and then stealthily took a +seat near his rather languid observer. + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD, you know me as a temporary boarder under the same roof +with you. Other people know me merely as a dead-beat. May I trust you +with a secret?" + +A pair of blurred and glassy eyes looked into his from under a huge +straw hat, and a husky question followed his: + +"Did y' ever read WORDSWORTH'S poem-'f-th' Excursion, sir?" + +"Not that I remember." + +"Then, sir," exclaimed the organist, with spasmodic animation--"then's +not in your hicsperience to know howssleepy-I am-jus'-now." + +"You had a nephew," said his subtle companion, raising his voice, and +not appearing to heed the last remark. + +"An' 'numbrella," added Mr. BUMSTEAD, feebly. + +"I say you had a nephew," reiterated the other, "and that nephew +disappeared in a very mysterious manner. Now I'm a literary man--" + +"C'd tell that by y'r-headerhair," murmured the Ritualistic organist. +Left y'r wife yet, sir?" + +"I say I'm a literary man," persisted TRACEY CLEWS, sharply. "I'm going +to write a great American Novel, called 'The Amateur Detective,' founded +upon the story of this very EDWIN DROOD, and have come to Bumsteadville +to get all the particulars. I've picked up considerable from Gospeler +SIMPSON, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and even the woman from the Mulberry street +place who came after you the other morning. But now I want to know +something from you.--What has become of your nephew?" + +He put the question suddenly, and with a kind of suppressed leap at him +whom he addressed. Immeasurable was his surprise at the perfectly calm +answer-- + +"I can't r'member hicsactly, sir." + +"Can't remember!--Can't remember what?" + +"Where-I-put't." + +"_It?_" + +"Yes. Th' umbrella." + +"What on earth are you talking about?" exclaimed Mr. CLEWS, in a rage. +"--Come! Wake up!--What have umbrellas to do with this?" + +Rousing himself to something like temporary consciousness, Mr. BUMSTEAD +slowly climbed to his feet, and, with a wild kind of swoop, came heavily +down with both hands upon the shoulders of his questioner. + +"What now?" asked that startled personage. + +"You want t' know 'bout th' umbrella?" said BUMSTEAD, with straw hat +amazingly awry, and linen coat a perfect map of creases. + +"Yes!--You're crushing me!" panted Mr. CLEWS. + +"Th' umbrella!" cried Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly withdrawing his hands and +swaying before his visitor like a linen person on springs--"This's what +there's 'bout 't: _Where th' umbrella is, there is Edwin also!_" + +Astounded by, this bewildering confession, and fearful that the uncle of +Mr. DROOD would be back in his chair and asleep again if he gave him a +chance, the excited inquisitor sprang from his chair, and slowly and +carefully backed the wildly glaring object of his solicitation until his +shoulders and elbows were safely braced against the mantel-piece. Then, +like one inspired, he grasped a bottle of soda water from the table, and +forced the reviving liquid down his staring patient's throat; as quickly +tore off his straw hat, newly moistened the damp sponge in it at a +neighboring washstand, and replaced both on the aching head; and, +finally, placed in one of his tremulous hands a few cloves from a saucer +on the mantel-shelf. + +"You are better now? You can tell me more?" he said, resting a moment +from his violent exertions. + +With the unsettled air of one coming out of a complicated dream, Mr. +BUMSTEAD chewed the cloves musingly; then, after nodding excessively, +with a hideous smile upon his countenance, suddenly threw an arm about +the neck of his restorer and wept loudly upon his bosom. + +"My fr'en'," he wailed, in a damp voice, "lemme confess to you. I'm a +mis'able man, my fr'en'; perfectly mis'able. These cloves--these +insidious tropical spices--have been thebaneofmyexistence. On Chrishm's +night--_that_ Chrishm's night--I toogtoomany. Wha'scons'q'nce? I put m' +nephew an' m' umbrella away somewhere, an 've neverb'n able +terremembersince!" + +Still sustaining his weight, the author of "The Amateur Detective" at +first seemed nonplussed; but quickly changed his expression to one of +abrupt intelligence. + +"I see, now; I begin to see," he answered, slowly, and almost in a +whisper. "On the night of that Christmas dinner here, you were in a +clove-trance, and made some secret disposition, (which you have not +since been able to remember,) of your umbrella--and nephew. Until very +lately--until now, when you are nearly, but _not quite_, as much under +the influence of cloves again--you have had a vague general idea that +somebody else must have killed Mr. DROOD and stolen your umbrella. But +now, that you are partially in the same condition, physiologically and +psychologically, as on the night of the disappearance, you have once +more a partial perception of what were the facts of the case. Am I +right?" + +"That's it, sir. You're a ph'los'pher," murmured Mr. BUMSTEAD, trying to +brush from above his nose the pendent lock of hair, which he took for a +fly. + +"Very well, then," continued TRACEY CLEWS, his extraordinary head of +hair fairly bristling with electrical animation: "You've only to get +yourself into _exactly the same_ clove-y condition as on the night of +the double disappearance, when you put your umbrella and nephew away +somewhere, and you'll remember all about it again. You have two distinct +states of existence, you see: a cloven one, and an uncloven one; and +what you have done in one you are totally oblivious of in the other." + +Something like an occult wink trembled for a moment in the right eye of +Mr. BUMSTEAD. + +"Tha's ver' true," said he, thoughtfully. "I've been 'blivious m'self, +frequently. Never c'd r'member wharIowed." + +"The idea I've suggested to you for the solution of this mystery," went +on Mr. CLEWS, "Is expressed by one of the greatest of English writers; +who, in his very last work, says; '--in some cases of drunkenness, and +in others of animal magnetism, there are two states of consciousness +which never clash, but each of which pursues its separate course as +though it were continuous instead of broken. Thus, if I hide my watch +when I am drunk, I must be drunk again before I can remember where.'[2]" + +"I'm norradrink'n'man, sir," returned Mr. BUMSTEAD, drawing coldly back +from him, and escaping a fall into the fireplace by a dexterous surge +into the nearest chair. "Th' lemon tea which I take for my cold, or to +pr'vent the cloves from disagreeing with me, is norrintoxicating." + +"Of course not," assented his subtle counsellor; "but, in this country, +at least, chronic inebriation, clove-eating, and even opium-taking, are +strikingly alike in their aspects, and the same rules may be safely +applied to all. My advice to you is what I have given. Cause a table to +be spread in this room, exactly as it was for that memorable +Christmas-dinner; sit down to it exactly as then, and at the same hour; +go through all the same processes as nearly as you can remember; and, by +the mere force of association, you will enact all the final performances +with your umbrella and your nephew." + +Mr. BUMSTEAD'S arms were folded tightly across his manly breast, and the +fine head with the straw hat upon it tilted heavily towards his bosom. + +"I see't now," said he softly; "bone han'le 'n ferule. I r'member +threshing 'm with it. I can r'memb'r carry'ng--" Here Mr. BUMSTEAD burst +into tears, and made a frenzied dash at the lock of hair which he again +mistook for a fly. + +"To sum up all," concluded Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, shaking him violently by +the shoulder, that he might remain awake long enough to hear it,--"to +sum up all, I am satisfied, from the familiar knowledge of this mystery +I have already gained, that the end will have something to do with +exercise in the Open Air! You'll have to go outdoors for something +important. And now good night." + +"Goornight, sir." + +Retiring softly to his own room, under the same roof, the author of "The +Amateur Detective" smiled at himself before the mirror with marked +complacency. "You're a long-headed one, my dead-beat friend," he said, +archly, "and your great American Novel is likely to be a respectable +success." + +There sounded a crash upon a floor, somewhere in the house, and he held +his breath to listen. It was the Ritualistic organist going to bed. + +(_To be Continued._) + +[Footnote 1: The few remaining chapters with which it is proposed to +conclude this Adaptation of "_The Mystery of Edwin Drood_," should not +be construed as involving presumptuous attempt to divine that full +solution of the latter which the pen of its lamented author was not +permitted to reach. No further correspondence with the tenor of the +unfinished English story is intended than the Adapter will endeavor to +justify to his own conscience, and that of his reader, by at least one +unmistakable foreshadowing circumstance of the original publication, +which, strangely enough, has been wholly overlooked, thus far, by those +speculating upon the fate of the missing hero.] + +[Footnote 2: See Chapter III., _The Mystery of Edwin Drood._] + + * * * * * + +An Old Saw with a Modern Instance. + +The Farthing Candle of New York journalism appears to be trying to find +what political party he can best bully into offering the largest reward +for his conscientious support. As a looker on, PUNCHINELLO would suggest +to the political parties, as applicable in this case, the following +quotation from VIRGIL: + +----"_timeo Dana-os et dona ferentes_." + + * * * * * + +SOME TRAITS OF THE CHINESE. + +[Illustration: 'O'] + +Of all human races, next to the monkies, the Mongolians are the most +imitative. They are only a little lower than the monkies in this +respect, and we have seen some trained ones that could successfully +compete with the Simians on their own ground. + +A Chinaman employed in the North Adams shoe factory, for instance, was +asked to imitate exactly a boot of a particular style, which was shown +to him. After a few trials, he imitated the boot so perfectly, that a +customer who came in took him to be the fellow of it, and was not +undeceived until he went to try him on. No wonder that the regular +Crispins are jealous of a foreign cordwainer who can do this. + +In the art of dress-making for ladies the Chinese display wonderful +skill. Their taste and inventiveness in this branch are unrivalled even +by the best French _modistes_. The _panier_ with which it pleases the +ladies of the period to protuberate their persons was of Chinese origin. +It was revealed in an opium dream to a celebrated male mantua-maker of +Pekin, who sold the idea to a Yankee-Notions man travelling in China for +a Paris house. The inventor was so chagrined at hearing afterwards of +the immense fortune realized from it by the man of the West, that he +committed suicide by hanging himself on a willow-pattern plate. + +Although the Chinaman does not naturally possess an ear for music, +according to our standard, yet his imitative power enables him to adapt +himself very readily to the production of melody. One of the Coolies +employed in the great HERVEY wash-house at South Belleville, N.J., was +observed to watch with great interest an itinerant performer on the +accordion. Shortly afterwards, catching up a sucking-pig by the tail and +snout, he manipulated it precisely as the player did the accordion, +producing--accordion to the testimony of several credible +witnesses,--strains quite as good as, if not worse than, those drawn out +by that musician. + +As soon as the 200,000 Chinamen ordered by Mynheer KOOPMAN-SCHOOP arrive +in this country, a good business can be driven by Yankee toothpick +makers in supplying them with chopsticks. This word was originally +"stop-chick," being so called from the use occasionally made of it by +Chinamen for knocking down young poultry. It became corrupted, like +everything that is good and pure, by contact with extreme civilization. +Anybody who can make a shoe-peg or wooden toothpick can make a +chopstick. It is to be hoped that the chopstick may ultimately be +adopted here instead of the knife and fork. It would preclude the +possibility of people carrying their food into their mouths with the +knife--an outrage so commonly to be remarked at hotel tables. + +A very intelligent Chinaman told the writer, not long since, that there +is absolutely nothing to be seen or heard of in this country that the +Chinese were not familiar with several thousand years ago. Among them he +enumerated target-companies, sewing-machines, patent baby-jumpers, +nitro-glycerine, shoo-fly chewing-tobacco, wooden hams, stuffed +ballot-boxes, and a hundred other things which we are prone to brag of +as being purely Yankee and original. We are too conceited about +ourselves, by a great deal, and it is good for us that even Chinese +shoemakers should come here once in a while, to "take us out of our +boots." + + * * * * * + +A Midnight Reflection. + +The man who commits suicide may be said to show his contempt for the +hollowness of the world by putting his foot in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Gentleman, (reading.)_ "THE MILITARY AUTHORITIES OF +PARIS HAVE CUT DOWN AND UTTERLY DESTROYED THE BOIS DE BOULOGNE." + +_Old Lady._ "POOR BOYS!--AND TO THINK WHAT THEIR DEAR MOTHERS MUST +SUFFER!"] + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON'S CORRESPONDENCE. + +The following letters were yesterday discovered among the private papers +of the late Emperor--L.N. BONAPARTE. They were instantly forwarded to +us by our special correspondent. They will be used to-morrow in a +mutilated form by less enterprising journals, such as the _Tribune_ and +its partners of the Associated Press. + +"NEW YORK, May 10, 1860. + +"DEAR EMPEROR: I am thinking of writing a biography of you, in the same +style as my biography of your Uncle. I shall want to prove that you were +never in New York, that you behaved with perfect propriety while you +were here, and that you are humble, unambitious, and deeply religious. +This will not be a difficult matter, after the success I have made in +the case of your Uncle. Still, I shall want a fact or two in the book. +Can you not supply me with them? Any small favor you may think fit to +send me may be directed to my usual address. + +"Yours for truth and justice, J.S.C.A.B.B.O.T.T." + + * * * * * + +"CLICHY PRISON. + +"VILLAIN AND USURPER! Your minions have incarcerated me in this vile den +on a pretence that I owe a debt which I have not paid. They lie, +wilfully and malignantly. I always pay my debts. Ask SEWARD if I do not. +He remembers how I paid him the little debt I owed him, when I defeated +his Presidential aspirations. Release me at once, or the _Tribune_ will +show your rotten Empire no mercy. If I am at liberty this evening I will +send you a prize strawberry plant, and a copy of my work on political +economy. If I am not at liberty by the time mentioned, beware. SMALLEY +shall be sent to Paris as the _Tribune's_ special correspondent, and +you'll see the sort of news about your infamous court that he'll be +instructed to send home. + +"Yours Profanely, H.G." + + * * * * * + +"BERLIN, July 1, 1870. + +"To THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH: His Majesty, the King, instructs me to +say that he shall do just as he pleases in all affairs public and +private. He advises you to attend to your own affairs, and if you have +any more propositions for stealing other people's territory, to address +them to Russia, or the United States. Prussia is not at present in that +line of business. BISMARCK." + + * * * * * + +"BUREAU OF POLICE, Jan. 1, 1870. + +TO HIS MAJESTY, THE EMPEROR--SIRE: I beg leave to report that M. +ROCHEFORT demands the sum of 1,000,000 francs, to be paid at once. +Otherwise be will continue to be a patriot, and will abuse Her Majesty, +the Empress, with more violence than ever. Both M. ROCHEFORT and M. +FLOURENS are much enraged since their annual stipend has been +discontinued. + +PIETRI, _Chief of Police_." + +Other selections from the Imperial correspondence will be shortly laid +before our readers. Remember, the only genuine letters are those in +PUNCHINELLO. All others are garbled forgeries. + + * * * * * + +Roma! Roma! non e plu com' ora Prima. + +With the downfall of the Pope's temporal power, comes the report that +several newspapers have been established in the Eternal City. Thus the +"great world spins forever down the ringing grooves of change." For +Papal Infallibility, the Romans will have that of the editorial WE; for +the canons of the Church Militant they will have ubiquitous reporters +discharging themselves in the public ear; the testimony of the pillars +of the Church will be replaced by the assertions of the editorial +columns; the Inquisition will become a press club-house for Reporters +and Interviewers, and the Propaganda an office where 'extras' are +concocted and forced on the unsuspecting public. At least let us hope +that the change will offer a reputable business for the army of beggars +which has formerly been licensed by the church. A chance will now be +offered them to become newspaper agents, thus making a living +respectably by selling accounts of other people's deformities, instead +of disreputably by exhibiting their own. + + * * * * * + +A CAPITOL MOVE. + +The immediate probability of the formation of the United States of +Europe, suggests how wise we were not to change the location of the +Capitol to some facetiously distant western metropolis of the future. +The Capitol buildings are quite large enough to receive the delegates +who will of course come on here to study the art of log-rolling, while +the Chesapeake, being navigable almost to the Capitol steps, will save +them the fatigue of a luxurious journey in the palace sleeping cars. + + * * * * * + +Sublunary Observations of the Sun. + +From a careful analysis of the daily appearance of the _Sun_, it has +been satisfactorily settled that it is completely enveloped in gas. By +the application of the literary spectrum, it is also shown that this +gaseous vaporization is the result of brass in a high state of +incandescence, while the indications of alkalies, and, in fact, all +kinds of lies, are no less distinct. + + * * * * * + +Forethought. + +One reason why this country is so earnestly opposed to the Napoleonic +dynasty, is that there is no probability that the descendants of the +Prince Imperial would give us any assistance in settling the Alabama +Question. + + * * * * * + +Prompt. + +The Methodists recently opened a school for young ladies in Salt Lake +City, and BRIGHAM'S third son is courting it already. + + * * * * * + +VERDICT ON A BARBER'S WHISKERS.--Dyed by his own hand. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: 'S'] + +Solemn and severe German tragedy reigns in the Fourteenth Street +theatre. Once it was called the French theatre, and was devoted to the +witty comedies of SCRIBE, and the luxurious legs of OFFENBACH. But a woe +has been denounced against the SCRIBES and OFFENBACHS--(there is +considerable difference between the latter and the Pharisees)--of that +once gay theatre. Like many other French frivolities, it has lately +yielded to Teutonic tragedy. The cold and calculating German +"MEPHISTOPHELES" treads the stage where once tripped the light feet of +Parisian beauty. The burlesque Germans of the Grand Duchy of Gerolstein +have vanished before the grim and earnest countrymen of grand and simple +old King WILLIAM. It will be long before the French players find heart +to burlesque anew the German soldiery. It will be some time, let us +hope, before the German players at the Fourteenth Street theatre give +way to the shameless antics of French Opera-Bouffe buffoons. + +PUNCHINELLO gives a glad farewell--with no thought of saying _au +revoir_--to the French follies that have given the French theatre so +unenviable a reputation; and he waves his pointed hat in joyful welcome +to SEEBACH and her German friends who have made the Fourteenth Street +theatre a temple of the classic drama. Like other places which can +properly be called dramatic temples, the theatre now partakes of the +solemnity of a religious temple. One goes to see SEEBACH, not to laugh, +but to test one's ability to suppress the desire to weep over the woes +of MARGARET, and to mourn with MARY STUART. Fortify yourself, O reader, +with a substantial dinner and much previous sleep, and come with me for +a night of German tragedy. Come to the Fourteenth Street theatre, not to +look back regretfully at departed opera-bouffe, but to SEEBACH. It is +with such reckless puns as the foregoing, that I endeavor to brace your +spirits for the exhausting struggle with six hours of tragedy played in +the most tragic and awful of modern languages. You are to hear _Faust_ +in German. No man who has accomplished this feat can wonder at the +stolid bravery of the German infantry. It is said that the new recruit +is forced to hear _Faust_ once a week during his first year of service. +This terrible discipline has the natural effect of giving him that +steadiness under fire, at which the world marvels. He will stand with +his regiment for hours under the merciless fire of the mitrailleuse with +no thought of flight. What terrors can shot or shell have for him who +has been taught to listen unmoved to the dialogue of "FAUST" and +"MEPHISTOPHELES" in the first thirty-two acts of _Faust_? + +We find the theatre full of Germans, wearing that grave and earnest +expression of countenance wherewith the German takes his legitimate +tragedy. Sprinkled among the Germans are several Americans, more grave +and more in earnest than even their Teutonic neighbors, for they are +straining their attention to detect a familiar German word--such as +"Mein Herr," or "Ach." When once they have heard the expected syllables, +they smile a placid smile of contentment, and remark, one to another, "I +can understand pretty nearly everything that is said,--with the +exception, of course, of an occasional word." + +We take our seats and wait for the entrance of SEEBACH. The curtain +rises upon "FAUST" pursuing his studies in middle-age, respectability, +and a dressing-gown. To him, after hours of soliloquy, enters +"MEPHISTOPHELES." We observe, with surprise, that those estimable +gentlemen, Col. THOMAS W. KNOX and Hon. ERASTUS BROOKS, have been +engaged to play "FAUST" and "MEPHISTOPHELES" respectively, To be sure +the programme informs us that these parts are taken by two newly +imported German actors, but we prefer the evidence of our senses to the +assertions of the programme. Have KNOX and BROOKS been copied in German? +If not, they are now playing in Fourteenth Street. Don't tell me that it +is merely an accidental resemblance. Haven't I played billiards with the +gallant COLONEL, and gone to sleep when the Honorable EDITOR was +speaking in Congress? And shall I now be told that I don't know them +when I see them? But this is irrelevant. + +Hours of dialogue succeed to the previous hours of soliloquy. At +intervals of fifteen minutes the curtain is dropped to enable the actors +to discuss mugs of beer and the audience to discuss the actors. During +these intervals we hear such remarks as these: + +1ST GERMAN. "Subjectively considered, _Faust_ is a tragedy. Objectively, +we might regard it as a comedy. To the subjective-objective view, it is +certainly a ballet pantomime. Ach! he was many-sided, our GOETHE. Here +in this drama he has accomplished everything. There is food for our +laughter and our tears. It excites us and calms us." + +1ST AMERICAN. "I should think it did calm us. That's why the old fellow +went to sleep and snored all through the last twelve acts. I think it's +the heaviest and stupidest play that was ever put on the stage. Of +course it's the greatest thing ever written, but then I prefer DALY'S +_Gaslight_, myself." + +2ND GERMAN. "Ah, my friend, how this sublime creation stirs the inner +depths of our spiritual natures. Ach, Himmel! it is the poem of +Humanity. Let us go out for beer." + +2D AMERICAN. "When are we going to see SEEBACH?" + +USHER. "She don't appear until the twenty-third act, sir. That will be +on about three hours from now." + +2D AMERICAN. "Come, TOM, let's go and have supper. I am getting +exhausted." + +USHER. "Step this way, sir. Mr. GRAU has some refreshments at your +service." + +And they go in search of the cold ham and beer which the beneficent GRAU +has kindly provided. Refreshed by much beer, and enlivened by the cheery +influence of the genial sandwich, they return for a few more hours of +soliloquy and dialogue. + +Time passes slowly, but surely. At last we reach an act in which SEEBACH +walks quietly across the stage. The curtain instantly drops amid the +sobs of the excited audience. + +1ST GERMAN. "Lend me your handkerchief, my friend, that I may wipe away +my tears. I have a sausage wrapped up in mine, but what are sausages +compared with art! How divinely SEEBACH walks. To me, she seems like an +incarnation of Pure Reason, an Avatar of the spirit of transcendental +philosophy. Come, we will pledge her in beer." + +1ST AMERICAN. "What are they making all that row about--just because +SEEBACH walked across the stage? Why, she never said a word." + +2D AMERICAN. "Let's go round to the hotel and take a quiet sleep till +she comes on again. I've got my night-clothes with me. Always bring 'em +when I go to see German tragedy." + +Then ensue other hours of dialogue, interspersed with soliloquies of +half an hour each. Interspersed also with perpetual dropping of the +curtain, whereby the play is made to last some eight or ten hours longer +than would otherwise be the case. Most of the German music that has been +written during the last three centuries is played by the orchestra +during these intermissions. But in course of time SEEBACH gives us the +Garden scene, winning our frantic admiration by her inimitable +tenderness and grace, and finally we reach that grandest scene ever +written by dramatist, that most pathetic poem ever conceived by +poet--the meeting of "FAUST" and "MARGARET" in prison. At last we are +more than repaid for the dreary hours that have gone before. We have +seen SEEBACH'S "MARGARET"--the most powerful, the most pathetic, the +most beautiful, the most perfect creation of the stage. + +And as we pass slowly up the tortuous, steep stairways of the theatre, +while the Germans, all talking at once, burden the air with +unintelligible gutturals, you say to me--if you are the intelligent +person that you ought to be--"SEEBACH is the greatest actress of this +century--greater than RISTORI, subtler and more tender than RACHEL." + +With which opinion the undersigned concurs with all the emphasis of +conviction; and over our late breakfast, to which we immediately sit +down, we discuss the question, Which is the greatest--the poet who drew +"MARGARET," or the actress who made the poet's picture warm with +passionate life? + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Absolutely True. + +For the last fifty years or so the metaphysical thinkers of Germany have +been engaged in seeking for the Absolute. From present indications it +would seem as though they are about to find it--where perhaps they least +expected it--in the imperial reign of King WILLIAM, aided and abetted by +Count VON BISMARCK. + + * * * * * + +"THE RIGHT PARTY." + +A few days ago PUNCHINELLO officially announced his adhesion to the +Right Party. + +PUNCHINELLO hadn't the slightest idea which party was the right one, but +thought that, as some party must be right, he could not go very for +wrong. But mark the _denouement_. Every party imagines itself the right +party, and welcomes him joyfully to its bosom. Republicans love him, +Independents worship him, while Democrats would endure even the +Fifteenth Amendment for his sake. In order to reciprocate their +sentiments Mr. P. would have to resolve himself into a kind of +Demo-Independent-Republican, which he has no idea of doing. Here's what +some of the "organs" say of him: + +_The Sun_. + +"We hail with joy the accession of PUNCHINELLO to the ranks of +independent journalism as embodied in the _Sun_, with a circulation of +over 100,000, CHAS. B. DANA Editor, price two cents. Reinforced by this +powerful journal, we shall continue with renewed vigor to demand of +HORACE GREELEY his reasons why J.C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be removed +from the Assistant Secretaryship of State. We shall persevere in our +attempts to make Gen. GRANT understand that to move four and a half +inches from the White House is an infraction of the Constitution. +Regardless of the tears of the thousands of advertisers who carry their +announcements to our office, we shall devote our entire space to the +vilifying of BORIE, FISH, the _Disreputable Times and False Reporting +Tribune_. Those elaborate attacks upon moral corruption and the Erie +Ring, for which we have become famous, will remain specialties with us. +All this by PUNCHINELLO'S aid. Bully for PUNCHINELLO." + +_The Tribune_. + +"The moral influence of this paper, which retains the only correspondent +at the seat of war, and whose dispatches, procured at a cost of over +$2,000,000, are copied by the _Herald_, _Sun_ and _World_,--(and whoever +denies it lies damnably, with intent to malign, etc.,)--the moral +influence of this paper is rapidly extending itself throughout the +country. As a late instance, we note that PUNCHINELLO has given in its +adhesion to the only true and pure republican agricultural party, which +it appropriately names the "Right Party." PUNCHINELLO was once a +frivolous, good-for-nothing sheet, devoted to low jokes and witticisms. +The conversion of its editor to the temperance cause is the reason of +the recent change in its tenets. We bid it God speed." + +_The World_. + +"As the irrefutable and all-enduring truths of Democracy receive +exemplification in contemporaneous events, the reflecting and refined +masses of this city purchase the _World_ in preference to that decrepit +and fast decaying sheet, the _Herald_. PUNCHINELLO, recognizing with +ethereal foresight the exigencies of the situation, proclaims itself for +the "Right Party"--our party. We welcome with acclamation this valuable +addition to the Democratic ranks." + +_The Star_. + +"PUNCHINELLO has joined the Right Party, by which he obviously means the +_Star_, whose circulation last Sunday exceeded 375,005 copies. + +"But this has nothing to do with the domestic policy of the Peruvians, +as expounded by the first CAESAR. + +"PUNCHINELLO will prove a pillar of strength to Tammany Hall, unless the +siege of Paris should prove disastrous to the consumption of lager-bier, +as set forth in 'Boiled for her Bones' and other tales by the best +authors." + +But Personals, my dear _Star_, Personals are the things that pay. If +thus, why not? As thus: + +"EDITOR OF PUNCHINELLO. The Editor of PUNCHINELLO has an income of about +$500,000. He usually dines at the Hoffman House when out of State's +Prison. He owns some fine lots somewhere underneath the East River, +besides a brown stone front in Alaska." + +"PUBLISHER OF PUNCHINELLO. This gentleman's income does not exceed +$350,000 per annum. He expends it principally in beautifying his +delightful summer residence in Mackerelville. It has been his misfortune +to pass many years of his life in a lunatic asylum, the unhappy result +of organizing plans for American Comic Papers. All is joy and peace with +him now, however; he looks hopefully forward to the time when +PUNCHINELLO shall have attained to his legitimate rank of the Foremost +Journal in the Nation. Meanwhile he lunches daily at a leading +restaurant on thirteen oysters, (a dozen and one over) with vinegar, +pepper and a bottle of Bass." + + * * * * * + +"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE." + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I fancy myself a victim of imposition, and I wish to +place my case before you. Having, for a period of six months, "honorably +and persistently," (to use the language of my friends,) held the office +of third Deputy-Assistant Register of Caramels, in and for the city and +county of New York, my associates in office and my friends in general +have determined to present me with a testimonial of their distinguished +regards. Accordingly, they have ordered a massive and handsomely +engraved pair of silver tongs, and a splendid silver fire-shovel. This +is all very well, so far, but the committee informed me yesterday that +the shovel and tongs would cost four hundred and twenty-five dollars, +and that, as only eight dollars and a half had been collected, it was +considered highly important that I should immediately hand over the +balance of the price, in order that the presentation and banquet, (to +take place at my house on next Saturday evening,) might not be +postponed, to the great disappointment of my associates in office and my +friends in general. + +Now, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is not this a little hard on me? I know very well +that it is customary for the recipients of testimonials to pay +three-quarters of the cost of the present, and I am perfectly willing to +abide by this custom; but forty-nine fiftieths is, I think, rather too +heavy, especially as my house is heated by a furnace in the cellar and I +have no use for a shovel and tongs--particularly silver ones. + +Yours perturbedly, A. DOANE KNEA. + + * * * * * + +Roaming Troops. + +The Italians in this country are very jubilant over the occupation of +Rome by the army of Italy. But people of other nations hereabouts are +not so much elated about the occupation of Roam in which the numerous +troops of Italian organ-grinders are engaged. + + * * * * * + +Subject for a Debating Society. + +Can a couple who have contracted a clandestine marriage be properly said +to be carrying out their clandestiny? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHEERFUL PROSPECT. + +THE MORNING HAVING BEEN BRIGHT AND CLEAR, MR. DEBOOTS DECIDED TO AVAIL +HIMSELF OF AN INVITATION TO SPEND THE DAY IN THE COUNTRY. HE ARRIVES AT +THE STATION, AND HAS A MILE TO WALK.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: COMFORTING ASSURANCES. + +_H. Greeley and G. W. Curtis, together._ "OHO! LITTLE WOODFORD; AIN'T +YOU GOING TO BE LICKED, NEITHER!--WON'T YOU GET YOUR EYES BLACKED, AND +YOUR NOSE SMASHED, AND YOUR TEETH BROKE!--AIN'T I GLAD I AIN'T THE ONE +AS HAS GOT TO FIGHT BIG JOHNNY HOFFMAN!"] + + * * * * * + +AN AGRICULTURAL RHYME. + +NOT BY H. G. + + Plough deep--two feet, at least--for corn or rye. + You can't, in stony land? Sir, that's a lie; + A sub-soil plough will do it; then manure, + And put on plenty; if the land is poor, + Get muck and plaster; buy them by the heap, + No matter what they cost, you'll find them cheap. + I've tried them often, and I think I know, + Then plough again two feet before you sow. + + Potatoes get on best in sandy soil, + I'm sure of _that_--but plant before you boil; + Then put in strawberries; that's what I do-- + Confound you for a blockhead! Why don't you + Get modern works and read them? No, you'd rather + Go creeping on just like your stupid father. + That patch is good for melons. Why the deuce + Don't you convert those swamps to better use? + + Beets are a paying crop, and don't cost much + To raise; so's cabbage, pumpkins, squash, and such; + They'll always sell and bring you back your money-- + No bees? The mischief! What d'ye do for honey? + Sir, let me tell you plainly you're an ass-- + Just look at those ten acres gone to grass! + Put turnips in 'em. Timothy don't pay-- + Can't cattle feed on anything but hay? + + I don't consider hogs a first-class crop; + Give me my own free choice, sir, and I'd swap + The best of 'em for strawberries or sheep-- + But let me say again, you must plough deep; + The trouble with our farmers is, that they + Can't be induced to look beyond to-day; + Let them get sub-soil ploughs and turn up sand + And hang it, sir! let them manure their land. + + * * * * * + +SALVATION FOR EUROPE. + +Some hope that the great Powers of Europe may yet be saved from a fate +similar to that of the Kilkenny Cats, is to be found in the fact that +General BURNSIDE, favorably known in Rhode Island, is making +arrangements for bringing about peace between France and Germany. It has +already been said by journalists of mark, that, unless Providence +interfered, and that soon, all Europe would shortly be deluged with the +blood of her peoples. General BURNSIDE is the direct representative of +Providence, and he has gone specially to Europe to interfere. He was +born in Providence, (R.I.); he believes in Providence; his portrait is +the special pride of Providence; and there is a "Providence that shapes +his ends." Thus it will be seen that BURNSIDE is the very man for the +situation. It may be asked, (there are cavillers who ask impertinent +questions about everything,) what business BURNSIDE has to meddle with +European affairs? Pshaw!--one might as well ask what business Colorado +JEWETT has to meddle with everybody's affairs, or GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN, +or PAUL PRY, or WIKOFF. BURNSIDE against BISMARCK for diplomacy any +time. Probably he aims at the throne of France for himself, and having +Providence (R.I.,) to back him, he may sit on it yet. + + * * * * * + +What bad habit does a man contract when he falls into a way of praising +everything and everybody? + +He takes to laud'n'm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ORPHEUS GREELEY, CHARMING WITH THE STRAINS OF THE +REPUBLICAN LYRE THE CERBERUS, (O'BRIEN, MORRISSEY, AND FOX,) ON GUARD AT +THE ENTRANCE TO THE DREAD ABODE OF THE JOHN REAL DEMOCRACY.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN AT THE BOSTON WOMAN'S CONVENTION. + +Old Time Agitators again on their Muscle.--Thanks to Henry +Wilson.--Advice to Charles Sumner.--Left-Handers to Wendell +Phillips. + + Oho! ye gods and little fishes, + Beggars 'd ride, if hosses was wishes; + Wimmen would have a millenium day, + And all through the land the "deuce be to pay." + +The Masserchewsetts Woman's _Suffering_ Society pulled off their cote +and vest and struck a beligerent attitood, at Bosting, a few days since. + +Yes, sir! I was there, and I still live to tell my tale. + +E-x-z-a-ckt-ly! + +As usual, on all such occasions, the women wore the bre-b-bifurcated +garments, while the _softer_ sex shone transparently, in silk, satins, +and black and bloo spots. + +Like jumpin' jacks, they danced when the _strong-minded_ pulled the +strings, while their ears were pinned back and greased, ready to be +swallered at a minnit's warnin'. + +JEWLEIR WARD HOW was chosen President, and S.E. Sewell, ABBI KELLY +FOSTIR, MARY E. SARGINT, the Rev. J. Freman Klark, LIDIA MARIAR CHILDE +and Frank B. Sanborne, Vice Presidents. + +THE REV. HON. JUDGE AGUSTY J. CHAPIN, ESQ., L.L.D., opened the dance +with a prologue. + +Mrs. How then rose and got up, and said: + +"Feller citizens: We've got together, as usual, without any plan of +operation, except to howl and make faces at the critter man, ontil he is +ready to give up his liberties and endow us _angelic_ beeins with the +privilege of fillin' up with benzine on eleckshun day; to vote and rool +the destinies of the land." (Cheers.) + +"No woman who desires the ballit, shall desist from hen-peckin her +husband, ontil, in his agony, he cries: 'Peace! be still! there's my +harness, get into it.'" + +Mrs. LIVERMOOR, H.B. Blackwell, MARGARET CAMBELL, M. Fiske, and SARY E. +WILKINS, committee on resolutions, reported the follerin: + +_Whereas:_ When our anshient relative, Adam, had the monopoly of the +ballit box, it was diskivered that it was not ment for man to vote +alone, and enjoy too much of a good thing. Consekently EVE was sent to +stir him up. + +_Whereas:_ When Mother EVE got there, she made it slightly warm for +Adam, by assertin' her rites. Like many of our members, she made Adam +"walk chalk." On eleckshun day she took him by the ear and walked him to +the poles, and for the first time in his life he voted the woman's rites +ticket, and Mr. SATIN was elected by a unanimous vote. + +Therefore, we recognize in EVE the pioneer of woman's rites, with ST. +NICKOLAS as our patron saint. (Great applause, with "3 cheers for OLD +NICK, the first candidate elected by femail suffrage.") + +It was then resolved to send committees to the Democratic and Republican +conventions, to see if any LOONATICS had been nominated, who were in +favor of femail soopremiosity. + +If any such persons were found, they should be requested to announce it +through the columns of the _Woman's Journal_, and let the world know the +fools wasent all dead yet. + +Should the candidates be opposed to our cause, it was recommended that +when the Woman's Convention Committee meet, on the 18th of October, that +ten talented talkers be appointed to surround the candidates and talk +them to death as a warnin to futer candidates. + +Congratulatory speeches, endorsin' these last resolutions, was made by +the wimmen, and I gess they would have kept talkin' ontil doomsday, if +the chokin-off committee hadn't been sent around with copies of +_Harper's Bazaar_, full of pictures of the new fall fashions. (Between +you and I, Mister PUNCHINELLO, the only thing which our wives goes +heavier on than their rites, so called, is fashions.) The convention +then thanked Hon. Hank Wilson for blowin' their trumpet, and voted to +present him with a new hoop skirt and a pound of spruce gum as a token +of their appreciation. + +Charles Sumner was then trotted, out, viz.: + +_Whereas:_ Charles Sumner has, somehow or other, got one foot kerslop on +our platform; + +_Whereas:_ He must go the hul hog or none; + +_Be it resolved:_ We can't take any stock in Charly, ontil he wears his +hair parted in the middle and done up in a waterfall, pledgin' himself +to go his entire length, next winter, for the 16th Commendment. +(Enthusiastic applause. Cries of "them's um!" "Kor-rect!" "Selah!'" +etc.; "Bully boy with the glass eye!" etc., etc.) + +Mrs. How then got up and said thusly: "My friends: I'me down onto +colleges like a 1000 of brick. They are the mad puddles of artificial +ignorance. If a red-headed woman was alowed to shed her lite, the +proffessors would be throwed into the shades rite lively. The result +would be, the blind would lead the near-sited by the nose. Them's my +sentiments." + +Stephen L. Fostir got up and said: + +"He woulden't go to the poles on eleckshun without his wife as his ekal +a hangin' on his arm." + +Mrs. LIVERMORE sprung quickly to her feet and said: "She'd bet $4.00 if +she was Steve's wife, he'd go to the poles under diffikilties, then, for +she wasen't the woman who thought the man lived that was the ekal of any +woman; and that hain't all," said she. "When we get hold of the ballit, +man has got to get up early in the mornin' to fool _us_ much. All the +koketting with the Democrats, Republicans, Prohibitionists, and Labor +Reformers in the offis of the _Woman's Journal_, last summer, don't +amount to shucks. Prominent politicians had entreeted her to go slow and +not mash things. I can only say," said Mrs. L., "as John Bunyan once +said: + + 'When woman will, she will. + And you can jest bet on't; + When she won't, she won't, + And there's an end on't.'" + +An aged individual named Jenking, from Andover, said: "When he was in +his first childhood, he was drest in peticotes. He was now over 75 years +old, and believed an old man would feel better in caliker than satinett. +Hereafter they could count on him to wear out their old dresses." + +A few left-handed compliments were paid to Wendil Fillips, and altho' +Wendil had allers went heavy on Wimmen's Rites, his bein' endossed by +his own sex was a squelcher on him. He wasen't endossed, but, like +Jonah, went overboard, to be hove up agin onto dry land in a few days, +for a whale has got to have a pretty good stomack to keep Mister Fillips +down a great while. That's so. + +A few more resolutions were then voted, but as the Mayor of Bosting had +sent lots of perlicemen there, I didn't heer of any men gettin' killed +outrite, altho' a few innercent husbands got slitely bruised by bein' +whacked over their heads with their wive's umbrellers. Then they +adjerned. + + The critters then got in their vests + And then got in their cotes, + Then got in a dredful pes- + Piration about their votes. + +(Let 'em sweat.) + +Ewers, a Non-Resistanter, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +FALLEN ON THE MARCH. + + You see that hoss, don't you, there, sir, ahead? + Well, that's JAKE. An hour ago, + The last trip up, he fell--stone dead: + Drop't right flat in his harness, you know. + He'd fell down, too, pooty often before, + And--I guess he won't do it, though, any more. + + I allas pitied the poor old cuss; + He was mighty hard driv and terrible thin, + And many a time when he quit the 'bus + I've led the mis'rable creetur in + And giv him a reg'lar bang-up feed + That the Company thought he didn't need. + + And now, to see him lyin' there + All by himself, a feast for the flies,-- + Why, it kinder makes a feller's hair + Creep all over, first, then straighten and rise. + Maybe you'll say to yourself: "That's all stuff." + But I tell you what--_I_ think it's blamed rough. + + It makes me feel, too, a little bit glum, + To see how everything goes on the same; + Some day, I s'pose, _my_ turn 'll come, + When I'll have to try on poor JAKE'S little game, + And they won't mind me any more, I'll bet. + Than they do him.--Off, here, sir?--G'long, JEANETTE! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FITFUL YOUTH. + +_Younger Party_. "LOOK HERE, VAN, CAN'T YOU LEAVE THOSE "PERSONALS" +ALONE, FOR A MINUTE, AND GIVE ME A CANDID OPINION ON THE BACK FIT OF MY +NEW COAT?"] + + * * * * * + +AUTUMN SONG. + + Leaves are falling (though, coal is not,) + And pumpkins are yellow, and maids are blue; + Potatoes and apples begin to rot; + There's many a liver congested, too. + + The dews stay late on the cabbage-leaf, + And the red, red beet forsakes the ground; + And lovers' wanderings grow more brief, + And fewer loafers are loafing around. + + The celery rivals the turnip fair; + There's new delight in the tender steak; + And boys go munching the chestnut rare, + Without one thought of the stomach-ache. + + The last of the cattle-shows is seen; + The monster squash to the cows is fed; + Everything's brown that once was green, + Except tomatoes, and they are red. + + The drowsy citizen hates to rise; + The hash may be cold, but so is the air: + 'Tis heaven to slumber, for now the flies + Are less affectionate, and more rare. + + And who is the busiest man we see? + 'Tis the Doctor, dashing by in his chaise; + And well may he hurry, you will agree, + For it isn't every patient that pays. + + 'Tis a rare, rare season,--so breezy and bright! + The dahlias, and even the squashes, are gay! + One wouldn't regret the cold at night, + If it wasn't so deucedly cold by day. + + A wandering shiver inspires the doubt + Whether Indian Summer will come this year; + But its warmth can be felt when you don't go out, + And it's haze may be seen through a glass of beer. + + * * * * * + +Query for Romancers. + +Used the Knights of the Round Table ever to get a "Square meal"? + + * * * * * + +SARSFIELD YOUNG ATTENDS A COUNTY FAIR. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: From early ages, man has been a tiller of the soil. My +ancestors were pretty much all in this line of business. My venerable +great-grandfather-in-law came over in the Mayflower, and though not +exactly a tiller himself, he is supposed to have had a good deal to do +with the tiller department of that historic ship. Several of our folks +have, from time to time, studied agriculture on New England town farms; +which explains the passion I always had for such attractive out-of-door +sports as stump-pulling, laying stone wall, and drinking very hard cider +in the shade. + +Being down at my uncle's this week, I have attended the Annual County +Agricultural Fair. The managers wanted me to go on one of the +committees, (whether it was plain Durhams, or short-horn needle-work, I +don't this moment remember,) but I declined. I told them that, while I +was ready to fill any vacancy that might occur in the "Committee on +Bills upon their Second Reading," they really must excuse me elsewhere. +I finally compromised by accepting a free pass, and agreeing to poke the +ribs of all the cattle I could reach, just as though I was a _bona fide_ +official. + +The show began yesterday with a grand concourse of all the farming +people for miles around. Every farmer brought a pair of hands with him. +The teams were innumerable; I had no idea it was such a teeming +population. There was a procession of yokes of oxen, a brass band, the +living skeleton, two fire engines, citizens generally, the Orator of the +Day, more oxen, marshals in cowhide boots and badges, and a cavalcade. +There may have been other oxen. I did not intend to omit them. + +The Orator was announced in the bills as "a finished speaker." He +managed to get himself so thoroughly mixed up with his subject, however, +and knew so much about farming, which he was willing to disclose, that I +soon saw he couldn't be safely set down as finished till late in the +afternoon. I don't recall much of his address, further than that, when +he got to talking about Fall Ploughing, he said: "In the hour of his +country's peril, if fall he must, he would a little rather fall +ploughing, than in any other way!" I think, too, he spoke of the Fates +always smiling upon the farmer who improved his soil. I suppose he meant +the phosphates. + +To-day I have been all around the cattle pens. I never saw such stock +before. Owing to their habit of staying out in the country the year +round, they have a firm, sleek, animated look which the best guaranteed +city stock fails to attain. One cow, from her impartial method of +hoisting visitors out of her pasture, was labelled "The General Hooker." + +There was a fine display of Dorking lambs and Jersey hens, while some +bees of the Berkshire breed fairly divided the honors with a few very +choice Merino pigs. A handsomely built North Devon chain-pump attracted +much attention from the milkmen. + +The turkeys, geese, ducks, poultry and other farm yard _habitués_, +though cooped up in one corner, did all they could to make the show a +success. + +The products of the soil were heaped up in the richest profusion. This +is a great raising county. No community raised their quota of +substitutes more rapidly, during the war. Rows upon rows of corn, of +barley, rye and oats [like most modern Serials,] seemed as though they +would never come to an end. + +Some early squashes were pointed out to me. I understood that they were +gathered at four o'clock in the morning. This is nothing. I distinctly +remember picking up watermelons, when a schoolboy, much earlier than +that. + +The butter, cheese, and bed quilts, were all of the finest texture. +Everybody took a first premium. + +Among the newly patented inventions I noticed "The JOHN MORRISSEY +Smasher," "The Swamp Angel Sheller," and a lovely piece of mechanism +called "The Just One Mower." + +There was the usual horse trotting from morning to night, both days, +with pool selling, from which, I presume, agriculture derived great +benefit. + +I say nothing of the other side-shows, for (with the exception of ALEXIS +ST. MARTIN,) I never heard of one that was worth going across the street +to see. + +Yours truly, and yours rurally, + +SARSFIELD YOUNG. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +PARIS, THIRD WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I concluded I would leave Paris for Tours last week, +as the refusal of Life Insurance Companies to take war risks made me +apprehensive for the temporal welfare of the youthful TINTOS in case I +should be untimely called hence. It was a wise resolution, but a few +trifling obstacles, to which I shall refer, prevented me from carrying +it out. + +WASHBURNE advised me, as the safest means of escape, to adopt the +character of an American tourist, with which disguise he thought the +Gallic cast of my features would not materially interfere. I took the +hint, and, assuming my scrip and staff, set forth by way of the Neuilly +gate towards Courbevoie. It was after nightfall when I reached the +bridge that crosses the Seine in that neighborhood. A _garde mobile_ was +pacing over the crest of the slight acclivity that rises near its +eastern extremity. + +As I approached he came to a halt, and challenged me sharply. + +_"Qui va là?"_ + +_"C'est moi,"_ I answered, (with a very decent accent which I had +cultivated by the daily use of a mild decoction of alum-water--an +application which I can cordially recommend to Americans who do not +naturally possess that peculiar "pucker" of the lips essential to the +correct pronunciation of the French language.) + +_"C'est moi, mon ami,"_ I repeated. + +"The countersign," said the _garde_. + +"What countersign?" said I, remembering to my consternation that I had +forgotten to secure that important credential. + +The sentry brought his piece to that position which usually precedes the +order "Take aim." I got back a few feet--the situation was too close. + +_"Mon ami,"_ I ventured to observe, "that ain't the way we treat +noncombatants in America." + +"The countersign," reiterated the _garde_, still holding his _chassepot_ +in the previous threatening manner. + +I looked up. The stars were in the quiet sky, and the new moon was just +sinking beneath the bold outline of Mount Valerien. The surge of the +Seine against the stone piers of the bridge could be distinctly heard. +The scene was unspeakably tranquil, not to say mournful, and I said to +myself, "Is this a night for assassination?" + +Again I looked up, and I saw the gleam of two more bayonets at the other +end of the bridge. Thereupon I said to myself, "This is not a night for +assassination." + +"The countersign," for the third time, proceeded from the armed Apollyon +in front of me. I grew familiar. + +"Come now, my good friend, this little business of mine requires some +dispatch. During the war in America--" + +The click of the hammer of the sentry's rifle interrupted me. I felt +uncomfortable. I had been out in the night air many times before, but I +never knew it to be so disagreeably chilly. It climbed in behind my +shirt collar, travelled down my back with a shivering sensation, and +culminated in a regular ague when it reached my knees. With a terrific +effort I calmed myself, and opened on the soldiers again. "During the +war in America--" There are occasions in a man's lifetime when the mere +fact of his tongue cleaving unexpectedly to the roof of his mouth is no +evidence of cowardice. I had unquestionably reached that eventful period +of my existence, but I also possessed physical energy to try once more. + +"My good, kind friend, I was going to say that during the war in +America--" + +"Oh! d--n your war in America!" roared the sentry, levelling his +rifle full at me. + +There is no American living who would sooner resent an insult to his +native land than myself, and at such a crisis I felt that within me +which might rise at any moment and crush the foul calumniator. But I +reasoned to myself that I would not take the life of this man, now. I +would wait awhile. It was only too evident he was angry, and he might +cool off and apologize. Yes, that was the best course for me to pursue. +Accordingly I ran rapidly over in my mind a little speech, and, turning +to him, spoke thus: + +"Rash, impetuous man--" + +L A T E R. + +Thanks to the persistent efforts of my dear friend WASHBURNE, I have +just been released from the guard-house after three hideous days of +incarceration. His is a heart that I may truthfully say yearns toward +the unfortunate. I consider him the crowning glory of American diplomacy +in Europe. Language is inadequate to express the feelings of one who +regrets that his sex forbids him to sign himself + +Your weeping MAGDALEN, DICK TINTO. + + * * * * * + +A Toothsome Con. + +Why should dentists be entitled to class with artists? Because they all +draw. + + * * * * * + +NEWSPAPER PERILS. + +The local reporter of a Boston daily gives us the following: + +"On Wednesday morning, as the early freight train on the Old Colony +railroad neared the bridge in Quincy, THOMAS ELLIS, a brakeman, raised +up for the purpose of throwing off a bundle of newspapers, when he was +struck by the timbers of the bridge and knocked senseless upon his car. +He wan saved from rolling to the track by TIMOTHY LEE, a paper boy who +was upon the train." + +We are sorry for ELLIS. But he ought to be thankful for one thing,--he +has a mission. He need not ask, like ANNA DICKINSON: "Why was I born?" +It is all settled that he was "raised up" for the purpose of throwing +off newspapers. Now, although he missed it this time, we have no doubt +he is ordinarily as successful in that line as the most improved +Lightning Press could be. Should he, unfortunately, continue senseless, +PUNCHINELLO suggests that THOMAS devote himself to "throwing off" +editorial articles for the Sun, + +It was very noble in TIMOTHY LEE so promptly to come to the rescue. +But,--hold! PUNCHINELLO will not be imposed upon: at this moment are +there not grounds for suspecting this "paper boy" to have been merely a +"man of straw"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: APPROPRIATE. + + +_Pompey, (sawing.)_ "HOW YOU GWINE TO VOTE, SAM?--I'SE BIN _saw_ BY DE +'PUBLICAN PARTY." + +_Sambo._ "BOFE PARTIES SEE'D ME, AND SO I'M GWINE TO SPLIT."] + + * * * * * + +A Sporting Con. + +Why is the famous horse DEXTER like a musical conductor? + +Because he beats Time. + + * * * * * + +Theatrical Item. + +Since Colonel FISK, Jr., floored that other manager, he is known in the +profession as the great floor manager. + + * * * * * + +Good News for the Birds. + +In Westchester county a fine of $25 is hereafter to be levied upon each +jackass in human form who shoots birds on Sunday. It is to be hoped that +the little bills may thus be saved from holiday havoc by persons who +object to incurring large ones. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONSTERNATION OF THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF THE NEW YORK +_SUN_, (INCLUDING THE OFFICE BOY,) ON SEEING CHIEF EDITOR PECKSNIFF DANA +DECLINING TO ACCEPT A HEAVY BRIBE OFFERED HIM TO PUBLISH A MENDACIOUS +PARAGRAPH ABOUT A RESPECTABLE CONTEMPORARY.] + + * * * * * + +A NEW SENSATION WANTED. + +The reprehensible haste with which various European nations terminate +their wars is a source of annoyance to every one. Hardly have we +acquired a decided taste for news of some transient war or other, when +the conflicting parties judge that they have had enough of it, and thus +an avenue of enjoyment is summarily closed. + +It is as though one's natural aversion to tomatoes had gradually changed +to liking, and then an untimely autumn frost had come, to anticipate the +gardener and the air-tight can. + +These foreigners are so different from the Americans! + +During the Rebellion--a comparatively staid and respectable affair--a +correspondent, after the first two years, became so expert as to +anticipate battles, and knew as much about war as a general. War news +and buckwheat cakes enlivened the matutinal meal. The chances pro and +con gave a zest to conversations else intolerably dull. The war was an +Institution. + +But see how it is in Europe. + +In '66, they spirted away for six weeks and stopped. And now, after a +similar splurge, they have as good as stopped once more. The +correspondents just sent over by our "enterprising" newspapers, are +hardly yet recovered from their sea-sickness. Just as they begin to +sharpen their pencils, presto! the war is over, and the occupation of +these hardy gentlemen is gone. + +Can nothing be done about this? If a protest--"firm and +dignified"--would really do no good, what about some _new_ excitement, +which, as every one knows, we _must_ have or perish! Will no other +jealous contiguous nations fall out? Must we fall out ourselves? +Election is still a good way off, and, really, we don't see what's to be +done. Fights are few, and suicides are falling off. The Indians are +disgustingly peaceful, and even the Mormons have subsided. It is two +years and over to the next Presidential election; and there is no more +cholera. + +Really, this is too bad! We must muse on the situation for a season, +and, meanwhile, shall confidently expect something or other to turn up +almost any day. + + * * * * * + +PUSS AS A PORT-MONNAIE. + +The following eccentric freak of a cat is reported in a daily paper: + +"A two dollar note was taken to one of the Lebanon banks for redemption +last week, which had been taken from the intestines of a cat, in +Montgomery county. The cat had stolen the note and swallowed it, was +caught and shot, and the note thus recovered." + +There is nothing new in getting notes "from the intestines of a cat." +PAGANINI got no end of notes from catgut. So do VIEUXTEMPS, and OLE +BULL, and TOM BAKER, and others too numerous to mention. The cat that +swallowed the greenback should have been added to BARNUM'S "Happy +Family," however, instead of being sacrificed to Mammon. With its +two-dollar bill it would have been a formidable rival to the +_Ornithorynchus Paradoxus_, or beast with a bill, of Australia. + + * * * * * + +NEW PUBLICATIONS. + +A TREATISE ON THE BANKRUPT LAW, FOR BUSINESS MEN. By AUDLEY W. GAZZAM, +Solicitor in Bankruptcy, Utica, N. Y. New York: GEORGE T. DELLER, No. 95 +Liberty Street. + +This book contains not only all the latest amendments to the Bankrupt +Act, with copious notes covering the latest English and American +decisions, but it also has a prefatory chapter of "Hints to Persons +contemplating Bankruptcy." PUNCHINELLO, feeling a deep interest in the +welfare of _The Sun_, _The Free Press_, and certain others of his +contemporaries, earnestly requests their attention to that chapter. Some +such advice as it contains is evidently needed by them for their +guidance through the financial gloom that seems to be settling on them. +The loss of thirty per cent of its circulation within the past month has +brought deep depression upon The Sun. The festive laugh of its editors +--especially that of the roystering Lothario OLIVER DYER,--is but seldom +heard, now, in the famed restaurant of MOUQUIN. We cordially commend to +their notice, then, the work in question, that, availing themselves of +its "Hints," they may so arrange as to have ready, when the smash comes, +funds to qualify them for enjoying the blessed privilege +constitutionally granted to all who, like them, have been "weighed in +the balance and found wanting." + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | LADIES' ENGLISH HOSE, | + | FULL REGULAR MAKES, | + | From 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | Also, | + | GENTLEMEN'S HALF HOSE, | + | EXTRA QUALITY, 25 cents per pair upward. | + | | + | LARGE LINES OF | + | Ladies' and Gentlemen's | + | Silk and Merino Underwear. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Grand Exposition. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED | + | | + | A Splendid Assortment of | + | PARIS MADE DRESSES, | + | From Worth E. Pingat and other Celebrated | + | Makers. | + | | + | ALSO, LARGE ADDITIONS, | + | OF THEIR OWN MANUFACTURE, | + | | + | Cut and Trimmed by Artists equal, if not | + | superior, to any in this city. | + | | + | Millinery, Bonnets, & Hats | + | Elegantly Trimmed, from Virot's and other | + | Modistes of the highest Parisian standing. | + | | + | The Prices of the Above are Extremely | + | Attractive. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | AMERICAN MOQUETTE | + | Carpets, | + | IN NEW AND ELEGANT DESIGNS. | + | Warranted equal in quality and coloring | + | to the very best French. | + | Price only $3.50 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's best quality Tapestry Brussels | + | $1.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Crossley's Velvets, Extra Quality, | + | $2.25 per Yard. | + | | + | Five-Frame English Body Brussels, | + | $1.75 per Yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | $2.50 and $3 per Yard. | + | | + | ALSO, | + | Paris Quality Moquettes. | + | AXMINSTERS BY THE YARD, | + | AUBUSSONS & AXMINSTER CARPETS | + | IN ONE PIECE, | + | WITH SPLENDID MEDALLIONS AND BORDERS | + | TO MATCH. | + | | + | AND THEY ARE CONSTANTLY | + | IN THE RECEIPT OF | + | All the Novelties | + | IN THE ABOVE LINE, AS PRODUCED. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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No. 83 Nassau Street. New York. | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING. + +_Oyster Opener._ "WILL YER HAVE SOUND OYSTERS?" + +_Newly-arrived Cockney._ "WILL I 'AVE _sound_ HOYSTERS!--NOW DO I LOOK +LIKE THAT KIND OF RIDICULOUS HIDIOT AS 'D EAT _un_SOUND HOYSTERS?"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "THE PRINTING HOUSE OF THE UNITED STATES" | + | AND | + | "THE UNITED STATES ENVELOPE MANUFACTORY." | + | | + | GEORGE F. NESBITT & CO | + | | + | 163,165,167,169 Pearl St., & 73,75,77,79 Pine St., New-York. | + | | + | Execute all kinds of | + | PRINTING, | + | Furnish all kinds of | + | STATIONERY, | + | Make all kinds of | + | BLANK BOOKS, | + | Execute the finest styles of | + | LITHOGRAPHY | + | Makes the Best and Cheapest | + | ENVELOPES | + | Ever offered to the Public. | + | | + | They have made all the pre-paid Envelopes for the United | + |States Post-Office Department for the past 16 years, and have | + | INVARIABLY BEEN THE LOWEST BIDDERS. Their Machinery is the | + | most complete, rapid and economical known in the trade. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Travelers West and South-West | + | Should bear in mind that the | + | ERIE RAILWAY | + | IS BY FAR THE CHEAPEST, QUICKEST, AND MOST | + | COMFORTABLE ROUTE, | + | | + | | + | Making Direct and Sure Connection at CINCINNATI, | + | with all Lines | + | By Rail or River | + | For NEW ORLEANS, LOUISVILLE, MEMPHIS, | + | ST. LOUIS, VICKSBURG, | + | NASHVILLE, MOBILE, | + | And All Points South and South-west. | + | | + | Its DRAWING-ROOM and SLEEPING COACHES on all Express Trains, | + | running through to Cincinnati without change, are the most | + | elegant and spacious used upon any Road in this country, | + | being fitted up in the most elaborate manner, and having | + | every modern improvement introduced for the comfort of its | + | patrons; running upon the BROAD GAUGE; revealing scenery | + | along the Line unequalled upon this Continent, and rendering | + | a trip over the ERIE, one of the delights and pleasures | + | of this life not to be forgotten. | + | | + | By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. | + | 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich | + | St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 Fulton | + | St., Brooklyn: Depots foot of Chambers Street, and foot of | + | 23d St., New York; and the Agents at the principal hotels, | + | travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as | + | all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | VOL. I, ENDING SEPT. 24, | + | | + | BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH, | + | | + | IS NOW READY. | + | | + | PRICE $2. 50. | + | | + | Sent free by any Publisher on receipt of price, or by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Joy of Autumn," "Prairie | + | Flowers," "Lake George," "West Point." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS Sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies,......................................... .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for................. 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written Expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY. | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, | + | one copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783 | + | | + | 83 Nassau St., New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & Co, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello Vol. II., No. 30, October +22, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10092 *** |