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diff --git a/old/10035.txt b/old/10035.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..449e6ee --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10035.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2750 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10035] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 27 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | We will Mail Free | + | | + | A COVER | + | | + | Lettered & Stamped, with New Title Page | + | | + | FOR BINDING | + | | + | FIRST VOLUME, | + | | + | On Receipt of 50 Cents, | + | | + | OR THE | + | | + | TITLE PAGE ALONE, FREE, | + | | + | On application to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Vol II. No. 27 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO--the | + | only first-class, original, illustrated, | + | humorous and satirical weekly paper | + | published in this country--ending with | + | No. 26, September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Extra Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, | + | 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United | + | States on receipt of price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, | + | from October 1st, No. 27, and the | + | Bound Volume, (the latter prepaid,) | + | will be sent to any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three | + | Bound Volumes, with an extra copy of | + | Bound Volume, to any person sending | + | us three subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, | + | with a fine chromo premium, | + | for- - - - - $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, | + | as the paper is electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume | + | a | + | | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal | + | discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper | + | everywhere. Send for our Special | + | Circular. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No. 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | JOHN NICKINSON, | + | | + | ROOM No. 4, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, N. Y. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for August, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEYILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent Interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_. | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_. | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A NEW AND MUCH-NEEDED BOOK. | + | | + | MATERNITY | + | | + | A POPULAR TREATISE | + | | + | For Young Wives and Mothers | + | | + | BY T. S. VERDI, A. M., M. D., OF WASHINGTON, D. C. | + | | + | Dr. VERDI is a well-known and successful Homoeopathic | + | Practitioner, of thorough scientific training and large | + | experience. His book has arisen from a want felt in his own | + | practice, as a Monitor to Young Wives, a Guide to Young | + | Mothers, and an assistant to the family physician. It deals | + | skilfully, sensibly, and delicately with the perplexities of | + | early married life, as connected with the holy duties of | + | Maternity, giving information which women must have, either | + | in conversation with physicians, or from such a source as | + | this--evidently the preferable mode of learning, for a | + | delicate and sensitive woman. Plain and intelligible, but | + | without offense to the most fastidious taste, the style of | + | this book must commend it to careful perusal. It treats of | + | the needs, dangers, and alleviations of the time of travail; | + | and gives extended detailed instructions for the care and | + | medical treatment of infants and children throughout all the | + | perils of early life. | + | | + | As a Mother's Manual, it will hare a large sale, and as a | + | book of special and reliable information on very important | + | topics, it will be heartily welcomed. | + | | + | Handsomely printed on laid paper: bevelled boards, extra | + | English cloth, 12mo., 450 pages. Price $2.25. | + | | + | _For sale by all Booksellers, or will be sent post-paid on | + | receipt of the price by_ | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | 39 Park Row, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The only Journal of its kind in America!! | + | | + | The American Chemist: | + | | + | A MONTHLY JOURNAL | + | OF | + | | + | THEORETICAL, ANALYTICAL AND TECHNICAL | + | CHEMISTRY | + | | + | DEVOTED ESPECIALLY TO AMERICAN INTERESTS. | + | | + | EDITED BY | + | | + | Chas. F. Chandler, Ph. D., & W. H. Chandler. | + | | + | The Proprietors and publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, | + | having purchased the subscription list and stock of the | + | American reprint of THE CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to | + | advance the interests of American Chemical Science by the | + | publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of | + | communication for all practical, thinking experimenting, and | + | manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. | + | | + | The columns of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST are open for the | + | reception of original articles from any part of the country, | + | subject to approval of the editor. Letters of inquiry on any | + | points of interest within the scope of the Journal will | + | receive prompt attention. | + | | + | THE AMERICAN CHEMIST | + | | + | Is a Journal of especial interest to | + | | + | SCHOOLS AND MEN OF SCIENCE, TO COLLEGES, | + | APOTHECARIES, DRUGGISTS, PHYSICIANS | + | ASSAYERS, DYERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | And all concerned in scientific pursuits. | + | | + | Subscription, $5.00 per annum, in advance; | + | 50 cts. per number. Specimen copies, 25 cts. | + | | + | Address WILLIAM BALDWIN & CO., | + | | + | Publishers and Proprietors. | + | | + | 434 Broome Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +PREFACE + +"HALF a year, half a year, half a year onward," has PUNCHINELLO advanced +since he wafted his first number to the four quarters of the globe. + +His road has not been a very easy one to travel. + +Bad characters lurked behind the fences, from which they would sometimes +take a sneak shot at the Showman as he passed. These fellows were +awfully bad shots, though, never so much as hitting the van in which the +show travels. PUNCHINELLO'S return fire always set the scamps +a-scampering, and all they had for their pains was the loss of their +ammunition, and the discovery that the row kicked up by them had +attracted crowds of people to the spot, so that PUNCHINELLO'S show was +capitally advertised by their noise. + +PUNCHINELLO'S First Volume, then, is a substantial fact. It is an +entirely new, original, and complete article, which no family should be +without. + +Read what the New York _Moon that Shines for All_ says about it: + +"Put a head on yourself by reading PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. It is by far the +best tonic bitters in the market. It cured the editor of this paper of a +very malignant attack, (made by himself on PUNCHINELLO,) after three +applications." + +Several gentle critics predicted an early death for PUNCHINELLO on +account of the buff color selected by him for his full dress costume. +Ha! ha! gentlemen, many a blow falls harmless on the wearer of a +buff-jerkin. As the old poet, whose name we have forgotten, might have +said, had he been in the humor--"He who will cuff it, Eke should buff +it,"--a maxim to which PUNCHINELLO gives his cordial adhesion. + +And now comes PUNCHINELLO to the beginning of his Second Volume, +encouraged by the success of his First. + +If Vol. I of PUNCHINELLO was a _Chassepot_, (and it _did_ make some +havoc in the ranks of the enemy,) Vol. II is intended to be a +_mitrailleuse_. It will be so arranged as to combine total annihilation +with bewitching music. For instance, by turning one of the cranks by +which it is worked, PUNCHINELLO will be able to project a shower of such +mortiferous missiles against all abettors of crime and vice, all quacks, +political and social, all corrupt officials, all Congress, (except the +Right Party,) all torpid fogies and peddlers of red tape, all humbugs of +every size and shape, in fact, as will speedily reduce them to ashes. +Then, by skilfully manipulating the other crank, he can produce from it +strains of such mellifluous harmony that the very telegraph-poles will +throng around him, as erstwhile did the trees of the forest around +ORPHEUS, and tender their services for the transmission of his melting +music to all the beautiful places on Earth. It is hardly necessary to +say that "Hail Columbia" is the very first tune on the cylinder of +PUNCHINELLO'S musical _mitrailleuse_. + +With his mind's eye, (an apparatus expressly constructed for and fitted +to his mental organization by a renowned necromancer,) PUNCHINELLO sees +his Public surging towards him, and grasping with outstretched hands at +the showers of _bon bons_ with which he plentifully supplies them from +an inexhaustible casket. + +Among them are thousands of familiar forms, and these are mostly in the +front. After these come several thousands of new forms, all pressing +forward upon the heels of the others with an eagerness that augurs for +PUNCHINELLO Vol II a tremendous and unparalleled success. Each of these +good people carries four dollars ($4) in his right hand, which he waves +at PUNCHINELLO, who affably accepts the greenbacks from him when within +proper distance, and then, dipping his pen in ink without a drop of gall +in it, books the donor for a year's subscription in advance. + +As for party, PUNCHINELLO knows but one party--and that is the Right +Party. Stirring times are before us. The Right Party is not going to lie +down and sleep while the times are stirring. Nor is PUNCHINELLO. When +anything that interests the Right Party has got to be stirred, +PUNCHINELLO will be on hand. He has been so long used to starring it, +that he makes light of stirring it. He can stir with a red-hot poker and +he can stir with a feather,--"You pays your money and you takes your +choice." + +And now, having stirred the spirit within him to a demonstrative pitch, +PUNCHINELLO shies his cocked hat into space, and calls upon his Public +to give three rousing cheers for the + +RIGHT PARTY. + + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Office of the Librarian of +Congress at Washington. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XX. + +AN ESCAPE. + +The bewildered Flowerpot had no sooner gained her own room, enjoyed her +agitated expression of face in the mirror, and tried four differently +colored ribbon-bows upon her collar in succession, than the thought of +becoming Mr. BUMSTEAD'S bride lost the charm of its first wild novelty, +and became utterly ridiculous. He was a man of commanding stature, which +his linen "duster" made appear still more long; the dark circles around +his eyes would disappear in time, and he had an abusive way of referring +to women which made him inexpressibly grand to women as a true +poet-soul; but would it be safe, would it be religiously right, for a +young girl, not yet conscious of her own full power of annual monetary +expenditure, to blindly risk her necessary expenses for life upon one +whom the cost of a single imported bonnet, in the contingency of a +General European War, might plunge into inextricable pecuniary +embarrassment? Possibly, the General European War might not occur in an +ordinary married-lifetime, as France was no longer in a condition to +menace England, Russia would be wary about provoking the new Prussian +giant, and Austria and Italy were not likely soon to forget their last +military misadventures; yet, while all the great American journals had, +for the last twenty years, published daily editorials, by young writers +from the country, to show that such a War could not possibly be averted +longer than about the day after tomorrow, would it be judicious for a +young girl to marry as though that War were absolutely impossible? No! +Her woman's heart sternly reiterated the pitilessly negative; and, as +the Ritualistic organist had plainly evinced an earnest intention to let +no foreign military complications prevent her marriage with him, she +felt that her only safety from his matrimonial violence must be sought +in flight. + +With whom, though, could she take refuge? If she went to MAGNOLIA +PENDRAGON, all her dearest schoolmates would say, that they had always +loved her, despite her great faults, yet could not disguise from +themselves that she seemed at last to be fairly running after Miss +PENDRAGON'S brother. Besides, Mr. BUMSTEAD, offended by the seeming want +of confidence in him evinced by her flight, would, probably, take +measures publicly to identify MAGNOLIA'S alpaca garment with the +covering of his lost umbrella, and thus direct new suspicion against a +sister and brother already bothered almost into hysterics. + +During the last few weeks, an attack of dyspepsia had laid the +foundation of a mind in the Flowerpot, as it generally does in other +young female American boarding-school thinkers, and she was now capable +of that subtle line of reasoning which is the great commendation of her +sex to a recognized perfect intellectual equality with man. Once +decided, by her apprehension of a General European War, against marriage +with J. BUMSTEAD, she took a rather irritable view of that too +attractive devotional musician, and inferred, from his not being wealthy +enough to stand the test of possible transatlantic hostilities, that he +must, himself, have killed EDWIN DROOD. His umbrella, it was well known, +had been present at that fatal Christmas dinner; and a thoughtless +insult offered to it, even by his nephew, might have made a demon of +him. Suppose that EDWIN, upon returning to the dining-room that night, +after his temporary exercise in the open air with MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, +had found his uncle, flushed with cloves, endeavoring to force a social +glass of lemon tea upon the umbrella, under the impression that it was a +person, and had unthinkingly accused him thereat of being momentarily +unsettled in his faculties? Probably, then, hot words would have passed +between them; each telling the other that he would have a nice headache +in the morning and find it impossible not to look very sleepy even if he +fixed his hair ever so elaborately. Blows might have followed: the +uncle, in his anger, hewing the nephew limb from limb with the carving +knife from the table, and subsequently carrying away the remains to the +Pond and there casting them in. Suppose, in his natural excitement, the +uncle had hurriedly used the umbrella, opened and held downward, to +carry the remains in; and, after coming home again, and snatching a nap +under the table, had forgotten all about it, and thus been ever since +inconsolable for his alpaca loss? As the young orphan argued thus +exhaustively to herself, the extreme probability of her suppositions +made her more and more frenzied to fly instantly beyond the reach of one +who, in the event of a General European War, would not be a husband whom +her head could approve. + +After penning a hasty farewell note to Miss CAROWTHERS, to the effect +that urgent military reasons obliged her to see her guardian at once, +FLORA lost no time in packing a small leather satchel for travel. Two +bottles of hair oil, a jar of glycerine, one of cold cream, two boxes of +powder, a package of extra back-hair, a phial of belladonna, a +camel's-hair brush for the eyebrows, a rouge-saucer for pinking the +nails, four flasks of perfumery, a depilatory in a small flagon, and +some tooth paste, were the only articles she could pause to collect for +her precipitate escape; and, with them in the satchel on her arm, and a +bonnet and shawl hurriedly thrown on, she stole away down-stairs, and +thus from the house. + +Hastening to the Roach House, from whence started an omnibus for the +ferry, she was quickly rattling out of Bumsteadville in a vehicle +remarkable for the great number and variety of noises it could make when +maddened into motion by a span of equine rivals in an immemorial +walking-match. + +"Now, BONNER," she said to the driver, taking leave of him at the +ferry-boat, "be sure and let Miss CAROWTHERS know that you saw me safely +off, and that I was not a bit more tired than if I had walked all the +way." + +Blushing with pleasure at the implied compliment to his equipage from +such lips, the skilled horseman had not the heart to object to the +wildly mutilated fragment of currency with which his fare had been paid, +and went back to where his steeds were taking turns in holding each +other up, as happy a man as ever lost money by the change in woman. + +Reaching the city, Miss POTTS was promptly worshiped by a hackman of +marked conversational powers, who, whip in hand, assured her that his +carriage was widely celebrated under the titles of the "Rocking Chair," +the "Old Shoe," and the "Glider," on account of its incredible ease of +motion; and that, owing to its exquisite abbreviation of travel to the +emotions, those who rode in it had actually been known to dispute that +they had ridden even half the distance for which they were charged. Did +he know where Mr. DIBBLE, the lawyer, lived, in Nassau Street, near +Fulton? If she meant lawyer DIBBLE, near Fulton Street, in Nassau, next +door but one to the second house below, and directly opposite the +building across the way, there was just one span of buckskin horses in +the city that could take a carriage built expressly for ladies to that +place, as naturally as though it were a stable. It was a place that +he--the hackman--always associated with his own mother, because he was +so familiar with it in childhood, and had often thought of driving to it +blindfolded for a wager. + +Proud to learn that her guardian was so well known in the great city, +and delighted that she had met a charioteer so minutely familiar with +his house of business, FLORA stepped readily into the providential hack, +which thereupon instantly began Rocking-Chair-ing, Old-Shoe-ing, and +Gliding. Any one of these celebrated processes, by itself, might have +been desirable; but their indiscriminate and impetuous combination in +the present case gave the Flowerpot a confused impression that her whole +ride was a startling series of incessant sharp turns around obdurate +street corners, and kept her plunging about like an early young +Protestant tossed in a Romish blanket. Instinctively holding her satchel +aloft, to save its fragile contents from fracture, she rocked, shoed and +glided all over the interior of the vehicle, without hope of gaining +breath enough for even one scream, until, nearly unconscious, and, with +her bonnet driven half-way into her chignon, she was helped out by the +hackman at her guardian's door. + +"I am dying!" she groaned. + +"Then please remember me in your will, to the extent of two dollars," +returned the hackman with much humor. "You're only a little sea-sick, +miss; as often happens to people in humble circumstances when they ride +in a kerridge for the first time." + +Still panting, Miss POTTS paid and discharged this friendly man, and, +weariedly entering the building, followed the signs up-stairs to her +guardian's office. + +After knocking several times at the right door without reply, she turned +the knob, and entered so softly that the venerable lawyer was not +aroused from the slumber into which he had fallen in his chair by the +window. With a copy of _Putnam's Magazine_ still grasped in his honest +right hand, good Mr. DIBBLE slept like a drugged person; nor could the +young girl awaken him until, by a happy inspiration, she had snatched +away the monthly and cast it through the casement. + +"Am I dreaming?" exclaimed the aged man, when thus suddenly rescued from +his deadly lethargy at last "Is that you, my dear; or are you your late +mother?" + +"I am your ridiculously unhappy ward," answered the Flowerpot, +tremulously. "Oh, poor, dear, absurd EDDY!" + +"And you have come here all alone?" + +"Yes; and to escape being married to EDDY'S perfectly hateful uncle, who +has the same as ordered me to become his utterly disgusted bride. Oh, +why is it, why is it, that I must be thus persecuted by young men +without property! Why is it that perfectly horrid madmen on salaries are +allowed to claim me as their own!" + +"My dear," cried the old lawyer, leading her to a chair, and striving to +speak soothingly, "if Mr. BUMSTEAD desires to marry you he must indeed +be insane. Such a man ought really to be confined," he continued, pacing +thoughtfully up and down the room. "This must have been the idea that +was already turning his brain when--bless my soul!--he actually +intimated, first, that I, and then, that Mr. SIMPSON, had killed his +nephew!" + +"He thinks, now, that I, or MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON, may have done it,--the +hateful creature!" said FLORA, passionately. + +"I see, I see," assented Mr. DIBBLE, nodding. "When he has you in his +head, my dear, he himself must clearly be out of it. You shall stay here +and take tea with me, and then I will take you to FRENCH'S Hotel for +your accommodation during the night." + +It was a sight to see him tenderly help her off with her bonnet; and +suggestive to hear him say, that if a man could only take off his brains +as easily as a woman hers, what a relief it would be to him +occasionally. It was curious to see him peep into her bottle-filled +satchel, with an old man's freedom; and to hear him audibly wonder +thereat, whether, after all, men were any more addicted than women to +the social glass when they wanted to put a better face on affairs. And, +after the waiter bringing him toast and tea from a neighboring +restaurant had brought an additional slice and cup for the guest, it was +pleasant to behold him smiling across the office-table at that guest, +and encouraging her to eat as much as she would if a member of his sex +were not looking. + +"It must be absurdly ridiculous to stay here all alone, as you do, sir," +observed FLORA. + +"But I am not always alone," answered Mr. DIBBLE. "My clerk, Mr. +BLADAMS, now taking a vacation in the country, is generally here though, +to be sure, I may lose him before long. He's turned literary." + +"How perfectly frightful!" said Miss POTTS. + +"He has set up for a genius, my child, and is now engaged upon a great +American novel. Discontented with the law, he is giving great attention +to this; but Free Trade will not, I am afraid, allow any American +publisher to bring it out." + +"Free Trade?" repeated FLORA. + +"Yes, my dear, Free Trade; that is, while American publishers can steal +foreign novels for nothing, they are not going to pay anything for +native fiction." + +Yawning behind her hand, the Flowerpot murmured something about Free +Trade being positively absurd, and her guardian went on: + +"Nevertheless, Mr. BLADAMS is going on-with his work, which he calls +'The Amateur Detective;' and if it ever does come out you shall have a +copy.--But, by the by," added the lawyer, suddenly, "you have not yet +fully described to me the interview in which poor Mr. EDWIN'S uncle +offered to become your husband." + +She gave him a full history of the Ritualistic organist's handsome offer +to her of his H. and H.; adding her own final decision in the matter as +precipitated by the possibility of a General European war; and Mr. +DIBBLE heard the whole with an air of studious attention. + +"Although I have certainly no particular reason for befriending Mr. +BUMSTEAD," said he, reflectively, "I shall take measures to keep him +from you. Now come with me to FRENCH'S Hotel. To-morrow I will call +there for you, you know, and then, perhaps, you may be taken to see your +friend, Miss PENDRAGON." + +Having obtained for his ward a room in the hotel named, and seen her +safely to its shelter, the good old lawyer visited the bar-room of the +establishment, for the purpose of ascertaining whether any evil-disposed +person could get in through that way for the disturbance of his fair +charge. After which he departed for his home in Gowanus. + +(_To be Continued.) + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR ALL GOOD CUBANS.--"The labor we delight in physics (S)pain." + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Punctually as announced, the FIFTH AVENUE THEATRE has re-opened. It has +been improved by the addition of several private boxes that remind one +of the square pews in old-fashioned churches, (by the way, why do +Puseyites object to pews?) and by the erection of a hydrant near the +conductor's seat, so that when the audience can endure STOEPEL'S music +no longer, they can turn on the water and drown him and his long-winded +orchestra. This latter improvement meets with our hearty approval, and +we earnestly hope to see it put to the excellent use for which it is +designed without further delay. Manager DALY is now offering to his +patrons the new comedy of _Man and Wife_. The old-fashioned play of that +name, which is daily acted everywhere about us, is usually more of a +tragedy than a comedy, but Mr. DALY'S _Man and Wife_ is comedy, farce, +muscular christianity, and paralysis pleasantly mingled together. As +thus: + +ACT I.--GEOFFREY DELAMAYN _and his brother are seen conversing in an +arbor. (Don't let the printer imagine that I mean Ann Arbor. It was bad +enough in_ WILKIE COLLINS _to banish his dramatis personae to Scotland; +but he was nevertheless too humane to send them to Michigan_.) + +JULIUS DELAMAYN. "GEOFFREY, you really must do something. The unmannerly +people who are just coming into the theatre make such a noise that I +couldn't be heard if I took the trouble to preach to you for an hour, so +I won't attempt to make my meaning any clearer." + +GEOFFREY. "I will or I won't, I forget which. However, the audience +can't hear. We've got a pretty good house here to-night I wonder if my +muscles really show to any extent. Here comes LADY LUNDIE and her +friends." + +LADY LUNDIE. "I choose everybody to play croquet on my side. The rest +may play on BLANCHE'S side. Miss SYLVESTER, you look as if you could not +stand alone. Therefore I order you to play." + +ANNIE SYLVESTER. "Madame, I will. GEOFFREY, meet me here in ten minutes, +or you'll be sorry for it." (Exit everybody. ANNIE and GEOFFREY +returning on tip-toe.) + +ANNIE. "You must marry me this afternoon. Meet me at the inn on the +moor." + +GEOFFREY. "I won't cross the moor with you. DESDEMONA foolishly crossed +the Moor, and came to grief in consequence. I take warning by her. I +hate you, but I suppose I must marry you, or you'll sell all my letters +to the _Sun_."--(_They go out to be married_.) + +ARNOLD _enters and makes love to_ BLANCHE. SIR PATRICK _does the comic +business with_ LEWIS'S _usual humor_. (_What a nice man_ LEWIS _must be +for girls to quarrel with; he "makes up" so nicely--this is a joke_.) +LADY LUNDIE _enters and announces that_ ANNIE _is no longer her +governess, that misguided person having thrown up her situation, for the +irrational reason that it was an interesting one, and having fled in the +silence of the after-dinner hour. Shrieks of horror from the young +ladies, who desist from knocking their croquet-balls into the orchestra +and the proscenium boxes; and triumphant falling of a new act-drop_. +STOEPEL, _having thought of a sweet passage for the fife, in a Chinese +opera, plays it uninterruptedly for forty-five minutes. A deaf old +gentleman approvingly remarks that this is really classical music_. + +ACT II.--_A storm at the inn on the Moor_. Miss SYLVESTER _waits for +her_ GEOFFREY _and her tea. Enter_ ARNOLD. + +ARNOLD. " GEOFFREY can't come, so he has sent me. I know your situation, +and shall have to feel for you if it gets much darker and they don't +bring candles. That is, if I'm to shake hands with you. I have told +everybody here that you are my wife. Let's have a little game of +seven-up, and pass the time profitably." + +ANNIE. "Oh, villain (I mean GEOFFREY,) you have de-ser-er-erted me. Oh, +rash young person, (I mean you, ARNOLD,) I'm inclined to think that +you've married me by Scotch law, without having meant it. If so, you'll +have to go to America and see BEECHER about a divorce." (_Curtain +subsequently falls, and_ STOEPEL _orders the big drum to beat for an +hour, while the musicians take advantage of the noise to tune their +instruments.) Deaf old gentleman remarks again that he does like_ +WAGNER'S _music. Half the audience hold their ears, while the other half +flee madly away until the entr' acte is over_. + +ACT III.--GEOFFREY _boxes with his trainer, and slings Indian clubs and +wooden dumb-bells_. + +GEOFFREY. "There! Thank heaven I didn't break anything. The scenery, the +footlights, or a bloodvessel will get broken before the week is out, +however, if this prize-ring business isn't cut out. Here comes ARNOLD." + +ARNOLD. "How's Miss SYLVESTER?" + +GEOFFREY. "If you say anything more about her, I'll put a head on you. +She's your wife. You're a married man." + +ARNOLD. "_Married_! You infamous editor of a two cent daily paper; I +deny it. (_Curtain again falls, and_ STOEPEL _plays the entire opera of_ +ERNANI _for two hours. Deaf old gentleman remarks that music is the_ +STOEPEL _entertainment at this theatre, and that he really likes it. The +rest of the audience look at him with horror, as though he were a sort +of aggravated and superfluous cannibal_.) + +ACT IV.--_Sir_ PATRICK _proves that_ GEOFFREY _is married to_ ANNIE, +_and that_ ARNOLD _isn't_. GEOFFREY _takes his weeping wife home with +him. Everybody finds out that_ GEOFFREY _is an enormous liar and an +unmitigated blackguard. Through the open windows are seen the editors of +the Sun and the Free Press, each determined to be the first to offer_ +GEOFFREY _a place on the staff of his respective journal. The curtain +falls and_ STOEPEL _directs each member of the orchestra to play the +tune that he may like best. After three hours of this sort of thing a +humane person in the audience brings in a saw and begins to file it. The +rest of the audience are thereupon gently lulled to sleep by the music +of the file--so soft and soothing does it sound by contrast with_ +STOEPEL'S _demoniac orchestra._ + +ACT V.--ANNIE, _in the midst of misery and a gorgeous silk dress with +lace trimmings, is seen going to bed in her best clothes, and without +taking her hair down--this being the well-known custom among fashionably +dressed girls_. GEOFFREY _enters and attempts to strangle her, but she +is awakened by the considerate forethought of a dumb woman, who loudly +calls her, and_ GEOFFREY _conveniently lies down and dies of paralysis. +All the rest of the dramatis personae enter, and indulge in exclamations +of joy. The curtain falls for the last time, and_ STOEPEL _is removed +under the protection of a strong platoon of policemen, to the secret +abode where_ DALY _keeps him hidden during the day from the wrath of an +outraged public_. + +And the undersigned goes home to breakfast--it being now nearly 6 +A.M.--reflecting upon the beauty of the theatre, the neatness of the +scenery, the general ability of the actors, the capabilities of the +play, (after Mr. DALY shall have cut it down to a reasonable length,) +the pluck of the young manager, and the unredeemed badness of the +orchestra, as it is conducted by Mr. STOEPEL. Tell me, gentle DALY, +tell; why in the name of all that is intelligent, do you let STOEPEL +transform each _entr' acte_ at your theatre into a prolonged purgatory, +by the villainous way in which he plays the most execrable music, for +the most intolerable periods of time? + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +L. N. IN PRUSSIA. + + Yes, I am quite upset; + In fact, I'm dizzy yet + With all that rapid riding, day and night; + But still, two things I see; + They've made an end of Me, + And blown the Empire higher than a kite! + + Yes, here I am, at last-- + And all my dreams are past. + didn't think to enter Prussia thus! + Confound that "Vorwarts" man! + When first the war began + He seemed as logy as an omnibus. + + Faugh! smell the Sweitzer Kaise! + The same in every place, eh? + How these big Germans love an ugly stench! + My! what a taste they've got + For articles that rot; + And can it be, they live so near the French? + + I'm in a pretty nest! + And, worse than all the rest, + Is thinking how I got here; there's the rub. + When I have mused awhile + On all my luck, so vile, + I almost wish they'd hit me with a club! + + It's very well to say-- + "I might have won the day, + If things had only gone this way or that;" + I should have _made_ them go, + And let these Germans know + That _they_ must go, too! or be cut down flat. + + They didn't go, it seems; + Except 'twas in my dreams! + And, consequently, I must bid good bye + To titles, power and state, + Which I enjoyed of late, + And curse my dismal fate--poor Louis and I! + + * * * * * + +THE PLYMOUTH ROCK. + +The fact of his having relinquished (at the imperative demand of +society) his weekly visits to the watering places, need lead no one to +believe that Mr. PUNCHINELLO does not like a little fresh air. And +surely a half a day or so by the seaside need jeopardize no one's social +standing if the thing is not repeated too often. At least so thought Mr. +P., and he determined, one fine morning last week, that he would hurry +up his business as fast as possible, and take a trip on Col. FISK'S +steamboat to Sandy Hook. A man calling with a bundle of puns detained +him so long that he found that he would not be able to reach the 11 A.M. +boat without he made unusual haste. + +Rushing into the street, therefore, he hailed a passing hack, and +ordered the driver to take him, as quickly as possible, to the Plymouth +Rock. + +When the carriage stopped, and the man opened the door, Mr. P. rubbed +his eyes, for he had fallen into a doze, on the way, and sprang hastily +out. + +But what a sight met his gaze! + +Before him was the hack, covered with mud and dust, and the horses in a +position indicating utter exhaustion: to his right lay a huge +unsymmetrical stone, while behind him rolled the heaving waters of Cape +Cod bay! The man had mistaken his directions, and had driven him to JOHN +CARVER'S old Plymouth Rock in Massachusetts, instead of JAMES FISK Jr.'s +steamboat at Pier 28, North River. + +"There's the rock, yer honor," said the man, pointing to the mis-shapen +stone, "and an awful time I've had a drivin' yer honor to it." + +"How long have you been, coming here?" asked the astounded Mr. P. + +"Nigh on to three days, yer honor, and I drove as fast as I could, +hopin' to get back by the Sunday in time for the Centhral Park, but I +had to stop sometimes for feed and wather, and it's no use me whippin' +up afther all, for sorra the good them horses will be for the Centhral +Park on the Sunday." + +"And how much do I owe you for all this?" asked Mr. P. + +"Well, sir," said the man, "I won't charge your honor nothin' for the +feed and my victuals, for I'd had to have found them if yer hadn't a +hired me; and I'll only charge ye three dollars a hour, for sure yer +honor never give me the least thruble, slapeing there as swate as an +infant all the time, and that'll be jist two hundred and four dollars, +and if yet honor could give me a thrifle besides to drink yer health, +I'd be obliged to yer honor." + +Mr. P. gazed alternately at the man, the carriage, the horses, and the +rock, and then he paid the driver two hundred and four dollars and +twenty-five cents. The worthy Milesian pocketed the money and declared +his intention of proceeding to Boston, which was only about forty miles +away, and taking the railroad for New York + +"If I don't, ye see, yer honor, I'll never get back in time for the +Sunday; and the horses will be restin' in the cars." + +As the man made his preparations and departed, Mr. P. stood and watched +him until he slowly faded out of sight. + +When he had entirely disappeared, Mr. P. sat down upon the rock and +reflected. Now that he was here, what had he best do? He had never seen +the rock before, and as it struck him that possibly some of his patrons +might be in the same unfortunate condition, he concluded that he would +take a few sketches of it for their benefit. But he did not succeed very +well. The first drawing he made had a strange appearance. It looked more +like an old woman tied to a post, and surrounded by what seemed to be +flames, than anything else. This surely was not a correct view of this +famous rock, and so Mr. P. commenced another sketch. This, however, +looked so much like a man with a broad-brimmed hat, hanging by his neck +to a rope, that he concluded to try again. + +His next sketch bore a striking resemblance to something that certainly +did not seem like a rock, but which, after some deliberation, he found +to look very much like a shrinking Southern negro, forced into the ranks +to supply the place of a citizen of Massachusetts. Everybody might not +be able to see this, but Mr. P. thought he perceived it plainly. + +The last sketch made by Mr. P. somewhat resembled one whose connection +with "The Plymouth Rock" has certainly been of more practical benefit to +the public than that of any of the " old founders," or anybody else--at +least so far as Mr. P. can see. If any one doubts this, let him ask +General GRANT. + +Now should his readers see anything at all suggestive of sober and +beneficial reflection in these sketches, Mr. P.'s visit to Plymouth Rock +was not made in vain. + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM L. N. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: The Empire is Peace, as usual. If, some time hence, it +should be discovered to have been otherwise, at the time of writing this +letter, you will please understand that I wasn't there, at that moment, +having had a little business to transact with my good friend WILLIAMS, +of PRUSSIA. I am at present engaged upon a tour of the German States in +the company of a pleasant little excursion party, who met me at Sedan, +and received me warmly. + +Everybody seems glad to greet me, particularly at this time, and all +express regrets that I couldn't have come earlier in the season. They +are aware of the interest I have ever felt in the great German people, +and I am assured they welcome with enthusiasm my pet theory of the +solidarity of nations. + +I intend remaining here awhile, feeling sure that there is nothing to +call me homeward for the present. The truth is, my friend, I am getting +weaned of the French people. So soon as my obligations to my very good +friends in Prussia will permit, you may look for me in New York. Yes, +dear PUNCHINELLO, greatest and beet of Philosophers! expect to see me +walking into your Sanctum one of these fine mornings,--probably with my +son LOUIS,--delighted to see you, and glad to turn my back on those +scenes so long familiar, which, in their new and popular dress, could +hardly be expected to afford me much exhilaration. + +From an inferior man, I should expect officious and quite gratuitous +commiseration over the fate of the late Empire. You, however, will +readily perceive it to be possible that I should rather be +congratulated. You would not exchange your dignified leisure, your +careless toils, for the best of sovereignties. Why, then, should I, who +have made you my exemplar, feel a pang at parting with a sceptre which +for years has only tired my hand? + +I picture myself seated with my family on the heights at Weehawken, +smoking a good cigarette, and musing on the affairs of nations as I +watch the flow of that superb river (as much finer than the Rhine, my +friend, as wine is finer than lagerbier!) which I have often, in days +gone by, admired and extolled by the hour. + +I expect they will pleasantly call me Duke Hudson, and my son the Prince +of Staten Island. No matter. I can always face the Inevitable. + +And that reminds me of the late war, in which the Inevitable that I was +always being called upon to face, was the Inevitable Prussian. But I +have faced much more terrible things. In your very city of Hoboken, I +have stood face to face with a German creditor! Will any one henceforth +doubt my fortitude? + +I have one rather comforting reflection, apropos to that _rencontre._ I +have taken care to arm myself against future assaults of that nature. I +am Gold-Plated. + +If your highly-gifted corps of artists should wish to depict me in a +connection which would satisfy my sense of honor, let them make a sketch +entitled: "The Two Exiles,"--one of whom may be,my Uncle at St. Helena; +the other, me, at Weehawken, with my family near, a glass of wine at my +side, a cigarette in one hand, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO in the other! + +But let me not anticipate. Sufficient unto the day is the (d)evil +thereof. + +Royally yours, + +L. N. + + * * * * * + +Maxim for the next new President. + +"A place for everybody, and everybody in his place." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON COLOR. + +_Cousin Bella, (admiring picture.)_ "HOW IS IT, FRED, THAT YOU PRODUCE +SUCH LOVELY COLOR, AND WITH SO MUCH FACILITY?" + +_Fred, (thinking of his meerschaum.)_ "I DON'T TELL EVERYBODY THAT, YOU +INQUISITIVE TEASE, BUT FACT IS, I PUT THE STUMP OF AN OLD PAINT-BRUSH IN +THE BOWL, AND SMOKE THE OILIEST TOBACCO I CAN FIND."] + + * * * * * + +THE BATTLE AT SEDAN. + +Special Correspondence of Punchinello. + +(This paper is the only paper on the planet which has a correspondent at +the seat of war, wherever that seat may be. The following dispatch was +sent to us by cable at a total expense of $21,000.) + +It was a still, calm night, the glorious moon was sailing through the +sky; the river was running water; the clouds were cloudy; the soldiers +were soldiering. I stepped out of my tent and tumbled over VON MOLTKE. +He took my arm and invited me to the tent of the Crown Prince. + +"MOLTY," said I, "what's your little game?" + +"Penny ante," replied he. + +"_Tres bien,_" added I. + +"You are a French spy. Ha! ha!" said he, grasping my collar. "Ho! Ho!" + +"_Das ish goot,_" added I. + +"Then you're Dutch," sighed he, dropping me like a hot pair of tongs. + +In the tent we found the King, the Crown Prince, Gen. STEINMETZ, Gen. +SHERIDAN, and Gen. FORSYTH. + +"MOLTY," said I, "introduce me to the King." + +"BILL," said he, "this is JENKINS." + +BILL held out his foot and I took a suck at his great toe. + +Then we went at the game. BILL is pretty good at it, but then he doesn't +stand any chance beside MOLTY. The Crown Prince lost at least fourteen +cents, and, just as he had a splendid opportunity to retrieve his +losses, in came an aide, who announced that the French had squatted. + +"Where?" cried VON MOLTKE. + +"In Sedan," replied the aide. + +"I knew it," said MOLTY. "BILL, I told you they had no horses for a +regular carriage." + +Then we went out. The King invited me to sit in his carriage with MOLTY +and SHERIDAN. We reached the scene of war. + +The moon shone; the mountains were mountainous; the trees were treey; +and the soft September breeze was breezy. BISMARCK came up and asked the +King to let him cut behind. + +"BIS," said I, "take my seat; I'll take a trip to the French camp." + +So I tripped over to the French camp and found things somewhat mixed. +The moon shone. Steadily the Prussian troops advanced; and, with a +heroism worthy of a better cause, the French retreated. The Emperor +wanted to die in the rear of his men. + +"NAP," said I, "you'd better get up and get. The Prussians are coming." + +"JENKINS," said he, "kiss me for my mother, I'm betrayed." + +"Why didn't you have more cheesepots?" said I. + +"I'll surrender," said he, "get out a white flag." + +So I took one of EUGENIE'S old pocket-handkerchiefs which I found in the +tent, stuck it on the end of the sabre of the nephew of his uncle, put +NAP in the carriage, jumped in myself and drove to the Prussian camp. +The moon shone; all nature smiled; the rivers were rivery; the Sedans +were chairy. + +BILL received us very coolly at first, but I gave BIS the wink, and he +suggested to his Majesty that he'd better take the Emperor prisoner. + +"NAP," said BILL, "is the game up?" + +"BILL," said NAP, "you've scored the game. I leave my old clothes to the +Regent. I hope she'll like the breeches." + +Then he treated to cigarettes, and we all went back to our game of penny +ante. NAP wouldn't join us. He said he'd just been playing a game with +crowns ante and he was busted. We'd hardly got the cards dealt, when +BILL turned to BISMARCK and asked, "I say, BIS, won't you run over and +telegraph to the old woman something about our FRITZ?" + +"Let JENKINS go," said BIS. + +Of course I assented to the proposition. + +"Where the devil is FRITZ?" said BILL. + +"Oh, he's been sleeping for the last two hours," said MOLTKE. + +"Never mind," said BILL, "telegraph a victory by FRITZ." + +So I telegraphed, + +"A great victory has been won by our FRITZ. What great things have we +done for ourselves! We'll keep it up, old woman, + +(Signed) BILL." + +When I reached the tent everybody was asleep. NAP was reclining +gracefully on the breast of BISMARCK, as affectionately as if they were +brothers-in-law. The moon shone; the sky was skyey; the hills were +hilly; and all nature was getting up. + +Anybody who says the above did not come over the cable lies, wickedly, +maliciously lies, with intent to deceive. As soon as JACK SMITH'S smack +sails, I'll send you a piece of the cable it came over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Mr. Bull: The Sutler of the World] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN TO KONIG WILHELM + +He Reviews the Career of a Lunatic. -- A Graduate with Nice Ideas. + +KING WILYAM, Most noble Loonatic: + +_We gates all der while!_ Accordin' to the Marine Cable, I understand +you've given old BONEY a _slosh on der cope mit der Sweitzer case;_ or +in good plain United States talk, LEWIS NAPOLEON has taken his Umpire, +and shoved it up the spout, without the benefit of Judge or Jewry. + +I kinder had an idee that when the now busted up rooler of the Umpire +tackled you, that it would have been a ten dollar greenback in his +panterloons pocket if he had let the contract out on shares to his +nabors. + +I've allers heard say that as able-bodied a Loonatic as the French say +you be, could handle any 3 ordinary men, "Be be Jost or Gobler damed," +to cote from our friend BILLY SHAKESPEER. + +We have had evidences here, of the superiority of Loonatics, mor'en +once. + +If a man can prove that his upper story is crackt, he can wallop his +wife to his heart's content; and if anybody interferes, he can popp him +off with a six shooter, and the law will stand to his back. + +Judges and Jewrys, when tryin' such a man, think he is sum punkins, +while all the illustrated papers stick the celebrated Loonatic's +fotograf onto their first page. + +I would like to ask you, if your insanity is of the melon-colic, (this +bein' the season when melons is ripe,) or is it of the _pro temper_ +kind? + +I shoulden't wonder, between you and I, but that you inherited it from +your illustrous Antsister, FREDERICK the Grate, who was about as sassy a +Loonatic as you can pick up. + +What _we_ need just now, and what _we_ have needed for a good while, is +a able-bodied Loonatic to send to England as minister. + +With such a crazy Statesman as you be, them 'ere little Alabarmy claims +would have been squared up long ago, or else, if this court knows +herself intimately, the British lion would have been sent off howlin', +with a tin kittle tide to his cordil appendage. + +You probly observe, I go heavy on Loonatics. Yes, sir! they are the +"Coming man," the 16th Commandment; or Chinese Coolers can't hold a +candle to 'em. + +When a man ups and does something nobody else can do, if they'd bust +their biler tryin', then he is sot down as bein' crazy as a loon by his +jelous nabors. + +I haven't heard whether BISMARK'S or FRITZ'S upper storys were shaky, or +not, but there haint the shadder of a dowt in my mind, but what both of +these long headed chaps are madder than GEO. FRANCIS TRAIN any day; and +that the Crown Prints employs his spare time strikin' tragic attitoods, +and repeatin' the follerin well known verses: + + "I am not mad! + I am not mad! + But only on my mussle. + Old NAP'd been glad + If he and King dad + Had never got into a tussle." + +My object in riting to you, great Conkeror of the man whose son was so +_bully_ at pickin' up _bullocks,_ is to congratulate you. + +Speakin' after the manner of men, You are an old Cinnamon bud. Havin' +served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, you can rely on +my giving a good sound opinion, from which there haint no repeal to a +higher court. + +What do you think of my startin' a college here for the purpus of +edicatin' Loonatics? + +We've got 3 colliges here, Harvard, 'Ale, and the Electoral College, and +a skalier lot of week-kneed timber than these institutions sometimes +turns out, would make you stick to your stomack to look at. + +Stugents are turned out from these asilums with pooty ristocratick idees +into their nozzles. + +I once knew a chap who was a gradooate of one of these institutions of +larning, + +He was more ristocratick than a retired church deekin'. + +When his wife died, he wanted her to look respectable at the funeral, so +he sent to one of his nabors to borrer a silk dress for the corpse to +wear, doorin' the funeral services. + +Thinks I, that was shovin' a good thing rather too deep in the ground, +merely for the sake of pilin' on the agony. + +However, that's the way of the world; larnin' will stick out, and you +can't atop her. + +That son of your'n, FRITZ, is smarter than a 2 year old heifer. + +If he haint in that precarious situation which SARY F. NORTON calls +"mummery," and the Onida Community says Amen! to, but which good honest +folks, like you and I, calls married, then I would say that he mite go +further and fare a site wusser, than to come over here and examine my +stock of risin' feminine genders. + +Mrs. GREEN, the mother of my dorters, is a woman who understands her biz +as housekeeper, and anybody who gits one of her gals won't be troubled +to death by keepin' a cook to boss 'em around. + +Doorin' the prosperous days of Skeensboro, when I was baskin' in the +sunshine of offishal life, and had a politikle ax to grind, MARIAR'S +biled dinners used to fetch Polerticians to their milk, ekal to the way +a big dinner at DELMONICO'S, N.Y., will flop over a New York Alderman. + +The surest way of gettin' round a public man, is via his stomack. + + Like ALADIN'S lamp, you can + By merely givin' a rub, + Bring around most any man, + By fillin' him up with grub. + +But, most noble cuss of the Realm, I must lay aside my goose quil, and +go and do the family chores. But afore I close this letter let me speak +a word for your noble prisoner, L. NAPOLEON, Esq. + +Deal gently with him. + +Altho' he plade the wrong card when he pitched into you, recollect the +old maxum: + +"Never bute a feller when he is down." + +France is better, in a good many respects, for things LEWIS done for +'em. + +But he has gone to the shades, and SHAKSPEER aptly says: + + "The evil which men do, + Lives a darn site longer than + The evil they don't do." + +Which sentiment shode that old SHAKE was a hulsail dealer in human +nater. + +Hopin' that in the days of your prosperity, you wont forgit your poor +relations, sich as _mothers-in-law_ and the like, and when they come to +visit you, you wont say: + +"Nix cum arous," + +I will dry up. + +Ewers anon, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece_ + + * * * * * + +THE LOVERS. + +In Different Moods and Tenses. + + SALLY SALTER, she was a young teacher, who taught, + And her friend, CHARLEY CHURCH, was a preacher, who praught; + Though his enemies called him a screecher, who scraught. + + His heart, when he saw her, kept sinking, and sunk, + And his eye, meeting hers, began winking, and wunk; + While she, in her turn, fell to thinking, and thunk. + + He hastened to woo her, and sweetly he wooed, + For his love grew until to a mountain it grewed, + And what he was longing to do, then he doed. + + In secret he wanted to speak, and he spoke, + To seek with his lips what his heart long had soke; + So he managed to let the truth leak, and it loke. + + He asked her to ride to the church, and they rode; + They so sweetly did glide, that they both thought they glode, + And they came to the place to be tied, and were tode. + + Then homeward he said let us drive, and they drove, + And soon as they wished to arrive, they arrove; + For whatever he couldn't contrive, she controve. + + The kiss he was dying to steal, then he stole, + At the feet where he wanted to kneel, there he knole, + And he said, " I feel better than ever I fole." + + So they to each other kept clinging, and clung, + While Time his swift circuit was winging, and wung; + And this was the thing he was bringing, and brung. + + The man SALLY wanted to catch, and had caught-- + That she wanted from others to snatch, and had snaught-- + Was the one that she now liked to scratch, and she scraught + + And CHARLEY'S warm love began freezing, and froze, + While he took to teasing, and cruelly toze + The girl he had wished to be squeezing, and squoze. + + "Wretch!" he cried when she threatened to leave him, and left, + "How could you deceive me, as you have deceft?" + And she answered, "I promised to cleave, and I've cleft!" + +AMOS KEETER + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRETTY IDEA OF MR. VAN LITTLEDRAM: HE TAKES HIS +YOUNGSTER OUT FOR A SAIL, THUS, AND SAVES THE EXPENSE OF A BOAT.] + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VII. + + Tom, Tom the Pipers' son, + Stole a Pig, and away he run; + The Pig was eat, and TOM was beat. + And TOM went roaring down the street. + +The above verse immortalizes an event that caused great excitement in +the period in which it occurred, although at the present date it would +not be considered of much account, or cause the smallest ripple on the +glassy calm of our most, sleepy village. + +We have progressed beyond being stirred by any little peccadillo such as +the theft of a pig or a sheep, or even a watch or a purse, unless it +contains a large amount, and was taken under the most aggravating +circumstances from ourselves. + +A robbery of a bank of a million, when it happens to affect hundreds of +people, or a midnight murder executed with the malignancy of a fiend, +will sometimes stir up the public for a few days, but even that soon +passes out of mind, and society settles back into its imperturbable +apathy, retreating with each wave of excitement still further, and +becoming by degrees proof against being stirred by anything that does +not affect ourselves personally. + +Not so, however, in those days of Arcadian simplicity; for the +astounding temerity of the Piper's son, in laying felonious hands on the +property of the village butcher, or baker, caused an excitement second +only to a hanging, or a first-class sensational horror, of later days. + +Poor TOM was a deal to be pitied as well as blamed; for although he was +the one who committed the crime, he was not the only one who reaped a +benefit therefrom. But the traditional historian tells us, he was the +only one who was punished therefor; so, while we blame him, let us shed +a tear of sympathy because he alone got the beating, the others the +eating. The scene is graphically described thusly-- + + "Tom, Tom the Piper's son, + Stole a pig, and away he run." + +Here we see Tom, the good-for-nothing, standing idly around, listening +to the witching strains of his father's bagpipe, played by the +industrious musician before the doors of the well-to-do villagers, with +the laudable view of obtaining the wherewith to purchase the meat that +both might eat; and while the instrument that has well served its day +and generation is groaning and wheezing under the pressure brought to +bear upon it, TOM'S eyes, roving around from window to door, happen to +light on a beautiful sucking-pig, that reposes in all the innocent +beauty of baby pighood before the open door of a zealous stickler for +human rights. + +Alas! TOM is not acquainted with the gentlemanly owner of the +fascinating pig, and he doesn't know how strong his principles are, nor +how far he will go to maintain them. + +He gazes enraptured upon the dainty porker, and as he looks, the desire +to own just such a one grows upon him, and soon it becomes a +determination to own that identical one, for never another could equal +that. He looks stealthily around and finds the eyes of all are fixed +upon the musician and his bagpipe. No one notices him, and hailing it as +a happy omen, he pounces upon the coveted quadruped, grasps it tightly +in his hands, and skedaddles. + +The music is ended and the crowd disperses. The absence of piggy is +unnoticed till the red-headed urchin whose playmate it is looks around +for the loved companion, of his childish sports, and finds it not. Great +research, amid loud outcries, is made, resulting only in the conviction +that the pet of the family is gone, leaving no trace behind. + +TOM, with his prize, exultingly hurries homeward, his heart swelling +with joy at his luck. Like a dutiful son, he rushes to the arms of his +maternal parent and deposits in her capacious lap the dainty prize. +Visions of a luscious supper float through the mind of the female +piperess, as she bestows her motherly benediction upon her thoughtful +son, and proceeds to put into execution the well-conned lesson of +cooking a sucking pig. + +Having accomplished the "First get your pig" part, the rest comes easy; +and at night, when the old Piper returns, his olfactories are sainted +with an odor that startles him from his generally despondent mood, and +awakens his curiosity as to the cause of such an unusual flavor from his +usually flavorless abode. He enters and finds a smiling wife and son, +with a smoking pig awaiting his coming. "What next occurred the Poet +tells us in the laconic words + + "The pig was eat." + +There was no necessity for describing the way of eating; the fact was +enough. But alas! there is always a dark side to everything, and this +happy family were no exception, The bones were left. They couldn't eat +them, and they didn't own a dog; so they picked them clean and threw +them away. But, "Murder will out," and the tiny bones told their own +tale. The village detective soon coupled the feet of the missing pig +with the unusual occurrence of a heap of bones before the door of the +musician's abode, and by a process of reasoning unknown to the +detectives of the present day, decided that those bones were a pig's +bones--a stolen pig's bones, from the fact that the Piper did not earn +enough to indulge in such luxuries as sucking-pigs. Now who stole the +sucking-pig? + +Clearly not Madame Piper, for she was too fat and heavy to have any +light-fingered proclivities. + +Clearly not the Piper himself, for he was playing his bagpipe and could +prove an alibi. + +There was no one left but TOM. Circumstances pointed him out: he loved +good eating and hated work, and had been noticed gazing upon the charms +of the missing family pet. It was settled, then. TOM was the thief, and +the offender must be punished. But how? Law was too uncertain and +expensive, TOM was too poor to pay for the pig, so it was resolved to +take the worth of it out of him by beating. The poet tells us + + "TOM was beat." + +Undoubtedly TOM was glad when they got through, and although he + + "Went roaring down the street," + +it was a matter of rejoicing with him that he had saved his bacon. It +was impossible to get that out through his hide, and they had no stomach +pumps in those days. + + * * * * * + +Scene.--A. City Restaurant. + +_Waiter, (to customer, who is winding up his repast_.) "Anything more, +sir?" + +_Customer_. "H'm--well--yes; bring me an omelette souffle." + +_Waiter_. "Omelet Shoo-fly, sir? Yessir." + +(_Exit, humming the popular tune_.) + + * * * * * + +Unintentionally Appropriate. + +The Sun tells a very large story of its own circulation, and then +innocently requests the "False Reporting" _Tribune_ to copy it! + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +(_Continued_.) + +LAKE GEORGE, Sept 5. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--In my last I promised to finish my trip on the Lake +and give you some reliable rumors about the "Rogers' Slide." + +I am prepared to do this to-day, in a happy and congratulatory frame of +mind. + +I have had breakfast this morning. + +When I say this I mean that I have had this morning's breakfast this +morning. + +Any one who has achieved so remarkable a success, at this place, can +safely plume himself on his patience and physical endurance. + +For instance, this morning, for the first time, I ordered broiled Spring +Chicken. + +The waiter gave me a disconsolate look and proceeded to gird up his +loins with a base ball belt. + +In a few moments he dashed past the window in hot pursuit of a fowl of +venerable appearance, but of a style of going that would have put to +shame any ostrich that Dr. LIVINGSTONE ever saw. + +I asked the head waiter if he called that a _Spring Chicken_? + +He said he guessed that chicken could out-Spring any chicken in the +place. + +This clears up another great hotel mystery. + +The man outflanked this gentle birdling on the eighth time round, in +6.23, which is considered very good indeed, and beats the time of the +late Harvard and Yale "Foul" considerably. + +I say "outflanked," because it is not the intention of these sunny +Amendments to put an end to these feathery Dexters immediately, but to +drive them into the ten-pin alley, where they are leisurely bowled to an +untimely end. As, however, pony balls are generally used, and there are +always half a dozen darkies standing around ready to bet that the +chicken won't be killed in forty balls, or sixty, as the case may be, +this part of the process is rather tedious to the guest + +Sometimes, when the chicken is not very active, there are not more than +nine or ten-pin feathers left. + +Well, the next place the boat stopped at is called "Sabbath Day Point," +in consequence of ABERCROMBIE having landed there on a Wednesday +morning. + +Its name will therefore be considered a joke by such as see the Point. + +A gentleman on board informed me that the water was so clear at this +place that one could "see objects when thirty feet from the bottom." + +I have thought and thought over this remark, but am unable to see what +one's distance from the bottom has to do with his "seeing objects." + +I give it up. + +On the opposite side of the Lake is a hill called "Sugar Loaf +Mountain"--because it is a sweet place for loafers, I suppose. + +Finally we passed "Rogers' Slide," which is a rocky precipice three +hundred feet high, sloping nearly perpendicularly into the water. A +decidedly unpleasant-looking place for cellar-door practice. + +There are a great many romantic traditions about this same ROGERS, who +is regarded by the simple natives as having been an altogether +high-minded and gorgeous character--the fact being that he was one of +those unmitigated old scamps who owe to the accident of having lived in +Revolutionary times, the distinction of being held up to the emulation +of primary schools as a "Patriot Hero." Literally he was simply an +"unmixed evil," fighting only to steal something, and devoting what time +and talent he could spare from his legitimate profession--which was +_seven-up_--to generally bedevilling and encroaching upon the +neighboring Indians. + +As an enchroachist he was immense. + +The noble red-skins alluded to finally concluded that enough was enough, +and appointed a Special Commission to put a permanent end to the +delicate attentions of the "Marked Back." + +This _sobriquet_ they conferred upon him partly on account of the fact +that he usually received his wounds while leaving their immediate +vicinity, and partly because of a peculiar characteristic of the kind of +cards he used. + +The Commissioners caught ROGERS out hunting, and chased him until he +came to this precipice, down which he slid into the Lake below, and, +unfortunately, escaped unharmed. + +The Indians, who were pursuing him by the imprints of his snow-shoes, +soon arrived at the brink. Seeing what had occurred, they concluded to +"let him slide." + +Hence the name. + +Evidently they thought, from the trail, that he must have gone over. +Though he was by no means a missionary, the Tracks he had left produced +a profound impression on their untutored minds. + +They at once concluded that he was drowned, or had got "in with" some +bad spirits. + +It is obvious, however, to the most casual observer of the place, that +the reverse must have been the case. The bad spirits were in him. + +The mark worn by Mr. R's "cheviots" in his descent can still be +distinctly seen. + +About half way up is a shining object which is generally believed to be +a suspender button. + +This, however, is merely conjectural. + +The clerk of the boat, of whom I have spoken before, tells me that until +within a few years back, the hole in the water where ROGERS struck could +be seen. + +"But it is all gone now," he said, shaking his head sadly. "Nothing can +escape the Vandal horde of tourists and relic hunters. Piece by piece +they have carried the hole away, and there is no trace of it left now." + +And he "wept at my tranquillity." + +At the north end of the Lake we took stages for Fort Ticonderoga. These +vehicles were run by a man who was pointed out as a "character," which +means a sort of licensed nuisance. + +The monomania of this individual was speech making, and much reflection +inclines me to the belief that he is some unappreciated politician who +has invented a way of "taking it out" on the unhappy public as follows: + +He waits until his five immense stages arrive at some remote and +solitary part of the road, then draws them up in a semi-circle, mounts a +stump, and--on pretence of exhibiting the beauties of nature--proceeds +to harangue the helpless fares to the top of his very high bent, or +until one of the slumbering "outsides" creates a welcome diversion by +falling off and breaking his neck. + +We came to what was really a curiosity--two kinds of trees growing from +one trunk, which this concentration of bores, this _mitrailleuse_, in +fact, improved accordingly. + +"Here, Ladies and Gentlemen, you per-ceive one of the _re_-markable and +_pe_-culiar works of a benign _Per_-rovidence. On the right you see the +sturdy and iron-hearted oak, while on the left you behold the modest and +_be_-utiful ellum. What Having has joined together let no man put +asunder--gerlang with yer hosses!" + +It must have been a Sunday-school Superintendent who invented excursions +to Fort Ty. + +It is not a place to Tye to. + +One old gentleman pointed to an underground hole and advised me to go +and look at the magazine. + +I went; but it is hardly necessary to say that I didn't find any, and, +on the whole, I was glad of it If people don't know any more than to +leave their _Galaxys_ and _Harper's_ lying around loose when travelling, +why, they deserve to have them stolen, that's all. + +I was sorry for the old gentleman, but if there is anything that +disgusts me, it is to meet people that ain't posted about things. + +As the steamer neared the Hotel, on our return, the departing sun was +flinging back his last good-night smile on the lovely scene below, and +the musical chime of the little church at Caldwell came stealing sweetly +over the bosom of the placid Lake. As its fairy-like sounds reached our +ears, a melancholy-looking man with long hair, who sat near, started, +smiled, and turning to me, said: + +"Did I ever tell you that story about SLUKER?" + +As I had never seen the party before, I replied that if he had I had +forgotten it. + +"SLUKER," he repeated, gazing absently at the distant spire; "SLUKER," +he reiterated, rubbing his nose abstractedly with the handle of his +umbrella; "SLUKER," he continued-- + +--in my next, my dear PUNCHINELLO, in my next. + + SAGINAW DODD. + +[_To be continued_.] + + * * * * * + +Sauce + +There can be no doubt that Grevy is in the right place, as a member of +the Provisional government of France. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Old Gent_. "Don't scatter water on my feet, man,--do you +suppose I want 'em to grow any bigger?"] + + * * * * * + +EDUCATION FOR DETECTIVES. + +Although our Metropolitan Detectives have hitherto failed to solve the +mystery in which certain atrocious murders remain shrouded, yet it would +be simply captious to impeach them, on that account, for lack of +sagacity, zeal, courage, or any of the numerous other qualities that go +to the making up of an efficient "Hawkshaw." + +That they are not deficient in zeal, at least, is manifest from a +circumstance which took place a short time since. Counterfeiting had +been carried on to a great extent in the city. The rashness of +counterfeiters is proverbial, and they usually carry on their operations +immediately under the nasal protuberance of the law. Nevertheless, in +the case under notice, some vigilant detective, with a nose as sharp as +that of a Spitz-dog, obtained a clue to the arrangements of the +counterfeiters. Having informed some of his associates, a concerted +descent was made by the party upon a house in one of the lower streets +of the city. A portion of the house is, and has been for years past, +occupied by several artists connected with the illustrated press. Few +gentlemen are better known in large circles than these artists, none +more highly appreciated by hosts of friends. But duty is duty--often +stern, but never to be shirked; and so the faithful detectives inserted +their Spitz-dog noses between the joints of the artists' doors, and, +having smelt a very large rat, suddenly burst in upon these graphic +malefactors, and caught them in the act, with all the tools and +paraphernalia of their nefarious occupation scattered about their vile +den. + +Most of them were engaged in executing drawings upon blocks of wood, +although it is probable that some of them were smoking pipes--tobacco +being vastly conducive to that concentration of thought by which alone +great mental efforts can be followed by equivalent results. Short work +was made by the sagacious detectives, when they saw the graphic +malefactors engaged in their diabolical toil. Some of the officers +seized the implements of the gang, while others collared the +delinquents, and marched them through the streets to the nearest police +station, where they were thrust into a dungeon and locked up for the +night. + +Next morning, on being taken before a magistrate, the prisoners were +discharged, on the grounds that the affair was a mistake--or a joke--we +are not exactly informed which; but the parties chiefly interested do +not look upon it as a joke. + +Now it is a very clear case that the mistake in question--or joke--may +be traced to a deficiency of education on the part of these vigilant and +zealous detectives. Had they been properly cultivated in the various +branches of art, the slight blunder to which we refer could not have +occurred. The Spitz-dog noses, instead of smelling Rat, would have smelt +its anagram, Art. Its influence would at once have been acknowledged by +them, and they would have backed out from the August Presence with +obsequious genuflexions. It becomes a question of moment, then, whether +a course of lectures upon art should not henceforth be considered an +indispensable branch of the education of our excellent detectives. We +would not limit the proposed extension of their education, however, to +the study of art, alone. Botany should be insisted on as a necessary +accession to the stock of the detectives' learning; and especially would +we have them instructed in a full knowledge of the leguminous +vegetables--such as beans. + + * * * * * + +Temporary Obscuration of the "Hub." + +Boston already has the biggest church- organ in all Creation. She also +has the most public Public Garden of modern times. Last year she had the +loudest Musical Jubilee ever organized, and it is further to be noted +that she is the proud possessor of the most uncommon of Commons. Early +in October, however, all these cherished immensities of Boston must fall +into insignificance and "feel small." On the second day of that month, +Colonel FISK is to make his triumphant entry into Boston, at the head of +the gallant Ninth. Organ, Jubilee, Public Garden, Big Drum, Common--all, +all of these will then have to subside and fade away into thin air +before the stately presence of the Prince of Erie and his valiant +command. + + * * * * * + +Boy and Man. + +"Miss ANNIE P. LADD, of Augusta, Me., has been appointed by the governor +and confirmed by the council as a justice of the peace." + + To be a man and magistrate + 'Twas natural that ANNIE sighed, + Since she one phase of man's estate + Already as a LADD had tried. + + * * * * * + +A Nut for the Ladies' Club. + +Referring to the recent ladies' boat race at Harlem, a reporter says +that "the girls all rowed badly." This is a discouraging comment on the +frantic efforts now making by women to assume man's attributes, (not to +mention his other "butes" and the what-d'ye-call-'ems generally +associated with them,) and it is a very significant fact that the +comment can be tersely clinched by the words So rows Sis. + + * * * * * + +NEW PUBLICATIONS. + +Among the numerous portraits of the late CHARLES DICKENS now before the +public, none are likely to be more popular than one in chromograph +lately issued by PRANG & Co., of Boston and New York. It represents the +great and genial writer as some few years younger than he was when he +last visited this country. The expression of the face is one of +thought--rather as he might have appeared when meditating over some new +turn to be given to the thread of a narrative, than as he used to look +when reading to an audience. This picture is printed in two or three +simple tints, of which the flesh tint is the most predominant. It is set +in an oval passe-partout, and requires only a glass over it to fit it +for placing on a wall. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Have just received several Cases | + | | + | PARIS MADE SILK AND POPLIN | + | | + | Street and Evening | + | | + | DRESSES, | + | | + | Two cases Cloth and Velvet Pattern | + | | + | Sacques, Cloaks, &c., | + | | + | An opening of | + | | + | HANDSOME TRIMMED HATS, | + | | + | Latest Paris Style. Also, | + | | + | Children's and Misses' Undergarments, | + | Infants' Outfits, etc., etc. | + | | + | Several Cases Real India | + | Camel's-Hair Shawls, | + | | + | At unusually attractive prices. | + | | + | Embroideries, Laces, Real Lace and LLama | + | Pointes, Dresses, &c. | + | | + | WEDDING TROUSSEAUX. | + | | + | The above forms only a very small portion of their | + | Large and Attractive Stock of | + | | + | ELEGANT GOODS, | + | | + | Imported and Domestic Made. | + | | + | Offered at | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Offer the largest, richest, and cheapest stock of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | That has ever been Offered in this City, | + | | + | Comprising many Novelties in | + | | + | Poplins, Armures Cloths, Epinglines, Extra | + | | + | Quality Merinos, Ladies' Cloths, &c., &c. | + | | + | A Large Line of | + | | + | DOMESTIC SHIRTINGS, SHEETINGS, | + | BLANKETS, FLANNELS, | + | | + | And every Variety of | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | CARPETS. | + | | + | Five Frame | + | ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | + | Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | 200 Pieces Five-Frame | + | | + | English Brussels, | + | | + | Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced to $2 per yard. | + | | + | Very Best Quality | + | | + | ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | + | | + | $1.30 per yard. | + | | + | FRENCH MOQUETTES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | AXMINSTERS, | + | | + | $3.50 and $4 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | + | | + | CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | + | | + | Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | + | | + | English and Domestic | + | | + | OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | + | | + | MATS, ETC., | + | | + | At Extremely Low Prices. | + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: FEEDING SPARROWS. + +A HINT TO A CERTAIN CLASS OF "HUMANITARIANS"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. Wholesale and Retail. | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 2, No. 27, October +1, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 2, NO. 27 *** + +***** This file should be named 10035.txt or 10035.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10035/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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