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diff --git a/10034-0.txt b/10034-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f6194d --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2465 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. 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The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORFHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD. + +The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation +having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a +time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the city +and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is ridiculously and absurdly alone. + +Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an +ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there +some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current +of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at +one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. + +Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some +of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest +Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest +Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook +amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of +the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath +the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled +guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts +feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun; while, to +the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or buckwheat, is an +incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere temptation to guess +how many Swallows there may be in it. + +Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is informed, by a +servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her his love, would +be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and bring him a fan. + +"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" cries the +young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks and pensive +smiles before her mirror. + +"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen you +looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said that +he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, on +purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door." + +"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding +her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish +members. + +After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the +scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the +meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the visitor +in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder +that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she +arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat +hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming +un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one +wholly unprepared for company. + +Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic seat, the +Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing straw hat, +looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some prudish +slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire of a +western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. + +"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I don't know +when I've felt anything smart so." + +"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a seat +before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her dress +so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen. + +Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around him, Mr. +BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be enthralling, +but for the nervous twisting of his features under the torments of a +singularly adhesive fly. + +"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon you will be +ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?" + +"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling +answer. + +The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently. +"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody +listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about +those music-lessons?" + +"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While we are +all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales." + +Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his bushy head +several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he replies. +"There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, +fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments +unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is +not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the +intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the candor of an +idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life have been +spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from DONIZETTI; and +the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted ever having been +born were those in which you have played, in my hearing, the +Drinking-song from _La Traviata_. Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, +there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound +melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, +your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends +and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of +the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, +give the love already bestowed upon me." + +"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," cries FLORA, +not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, too, that +they think somebody has killed him." + +Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before her, and the +dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the intensify of his +gaze. + +"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our +last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was +to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to +associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the +censorious, and invite suspicions tending to our early cross-examination +by our Irish local magistrate. I do not say, of course, that you +actually destroyed my nephew for fear he should try to prejudice me +against you; but I cannot withhold my earnest approval of your judicious +pretence of a sentiment palpably incompatible with the shedding of the +blood of its departed object. If you will move your dress a little, so +that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, +that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers." + +"My head upon _your_ shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly +about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my +own shoulders, sir." + +"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. +"If a little hair-oil and powder _does_ come off upon my coat, the +latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is our fate to never +get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck together." + +She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating +along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't +have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and +seems hurt. + +"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially when +fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I never +gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not think it +would be right" + +The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in its +delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, that the +agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm was always +reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, and whenever +I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth until it tickled +me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it wasn't you that I +preferred, at all; it was--oh, it's too ridiculous to tell!" + +In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from +him into the house, when he speaks again. + +"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such, +that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle +to which you could give no pleased attention?" + +"What do you mean, you absurd creature?" + +"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my double loss. +You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was found an apple +looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. You know, that +when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca waist which looked +as though it had been exposed more than once to the rain.--See the +point?" + +FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it." + +"Suppose," he goes on--"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and say: +'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote for you +again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black +alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in +this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple +singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his +sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'--See the +point now?" + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible menace of his +manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is guilty than I, +myself, am; and as for your old umbrella--" + +"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. "Not even +your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled friend. By +a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I hold the fate +of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be particularly +sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival." + +FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing head and +display a bracelet. + +"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must be so +perfectly awful!" + +Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the +contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his +straw hat. + +"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce +you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both +longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My +poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your +momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from my +habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you--" + +"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color. + +"--That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section of the +Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going through +the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in his +outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"--placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.--"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD." + +His manner is as though he were commending some patent article of +unquestionable utility. + +"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away the brown +linen arm coming after her again. + +Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and seems +momentarily surprised at the hollow sound. + +"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my observation +and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there never was a +wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first sworn to love, +as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman that if she had +felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the sight of him, it +wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality and dissipated +habits to drive her from his side through all their lives. There can be +no better sign of our future happiness, than for you to say, beforehand, +that you utterly detest the man of your choice." + +There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of +thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it +into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly +dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest avowal of +present personal dislike the most promising indication she can give of +eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode of reasoning +is more profound and composing than an article in a New York newspaper +on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical conversation, she +arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily into the house, when +he leaps athletically after her, and catches her in the doorway. + +"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient +restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a +secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling +out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's +the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a +fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it." + +The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting +bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to +her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having +conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist. + +_(To be Continued.)_ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD FIGHT. + +We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate +they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. + +But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever so great, +we have reason to doubt whether any other of these accomplished parties +has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a subject, as that which +is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss LILLIAN EDGARTON. + +She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under. + +That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence required to +pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. E. is about to +attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! Considered as a +Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. Considered as a +living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any Dragon described by +SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him incontinently. + +Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for some such +Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of +this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals +longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our +son, go in vehemently! + +And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your +attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay? +We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now, +we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them. + +We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You kill little +Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will fall, before our +mighty battle-axe! + +(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply because when +our dear young knight, L.E., has killed _her_ Dragon, she will have +wiped out the whole brood! They can't live without their sweet and +attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall +take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have +done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. Trust us, for +that!) + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN. + +September, 1870. + + I _was_ an Emperor. _Voilà c'est bon!_ + BAZAINE, MACMAHON, fought--'twas my affair. + Only, to please my doctor, NELATON, + I left the throne, to take a Sedan chair. + + * * * * * + +Unlimited Lie-Ability. + +_Veritas_ writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry from Wall +Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 persons reading +PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the _Sun_ on board, +until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid appearance +produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of which +seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, which +proved to be the _Sun._ + + * * * * * + +A Con for the "Ninth." + +What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a New York +Ice Company? + +Both are tremendous Chargers. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Here I am again, back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, +the war closing, and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, +by leading the Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to +be in a position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN--"As I +cannot fall, ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to +your victorious Excellency." + +Being back, I went to see _Julius Cæsar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the +day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer, +ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of +March, but of the _Idées Napoléoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at +a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his +newspaper, the virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. +Of course I know that JULIUS CÆSAR was not a Frenchman--for the modesty +of his "Commentaries" is proverbial--and that SHAKESPEARE never so much +as heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CÆSARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and I +may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As I +said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, and +being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking down +the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, the +reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text between +my _Julius Cæsar,_ and that of the respectable and able Mr. SHAKESPEARE. + +ACT I.--_Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the shillelahs +of the period._ + +1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CÆSAR is going to march to Berlin. +Hooray for the Hemperor." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war began, +but to-day the people despise him." + +CASSIUS. "I hate this CÆSAR. Once he tried to swim across the British +Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and couldn't do it. When he +is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any other man. Obviously he +don't deserve to live." + +CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be +discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows +of Paris." + +BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw +glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and +will make people think I am a profound philosopher." + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CÆSAR, governed the Roman +rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only mistakes were, in not +sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, without ROCHEFORT'S +cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending BRUTUS as Minister to some +capital so dreary that he would have shot himself as soon as he reached +his destination." + +ACT II.--_Enter_ BRUTUS _and fellow radicals._ + +BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CÆSAR, and I therefore gladly join +your noble band of assassins. We will kill him and establish a +provisional government with myself at its head. CÆSAR is ambitious, and +I hate ambition. All I want is to be the ruler of Rome." + +CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! Away!" + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS +and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of excellence and integrity. +What did they and their fellow scoundrels do after they had killed +CÆSAR, but desolate their country with civil war?" + +ACT III.--_Enter_ ASSASSINS _headed by_ BRUTUS _and_ GAMBETTA, CASSIUS +_and_ ROCHEFORT. + +CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's +hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They +stab him.)_ + +CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than +ever." + +_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CÆSAR." + +CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. +Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some +windows presently." + +POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife +and smash everything generally." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. +To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will +want him back again." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his +uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I +admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY +praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and +BRUTUS, and their gang?" + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't +wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new +republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American +people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the +French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a +raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so." + +And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the +Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the +prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it in +the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen +calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the +century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the +firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the +best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the +resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Insurrectionary. + +PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to +Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the +disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny +isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. +ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, +for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed. + + * * * * * + +Bluff King Bill. + +L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off +from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration +of "footing the Bill." + + * * * * * + +Query. + +As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, +will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude? + + * * * * * + +A Seasonable Conundrum. + +Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census. + + * * * * * + +A Suggestion. + +In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel +JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR. + +A Sketch In the Bowery. + +_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?" + +_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?" + +_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +LAKE GEORGE, August 30. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the +last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of +proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of +suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I +consider Lake George a success. + +Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified +to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove +up. + +It was a sort of delicate attention, you know. + +I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since +then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time. + +The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It +is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French +troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges. + +Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of +thing. + +Perhaps not! + +Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, +five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs. + +The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a +little too much mint in them, I must say. + +L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks. + +Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, +Champlain. + +Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore +particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the +scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end. + +The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," +principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of +pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a +good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up +jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one. + +The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" +Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely +_four_ of them. + +I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk. + +This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these +islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally +got "soaked." + +This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was +born here, I suppose he knows. + +This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and +asked me if I wouldn't like to live there. + +He said he thought it would just suit me. + +The attention of these people is really delightful. + +Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for +instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it +was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either. + +He wanted to know if I had ever dined there. + +I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat +fellows, always. + +About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain. + +A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there. + +That may have had something to do with its name. + +Nobody ever goes there now. + +People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for +something very extraordinary in the Echo line. + +It has what is called a "Double Echo." + +I fully expected something of this kind. + +Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those +unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it +is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place +echo. + +I consider them "_holler_ mockeries." + +Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows: + +First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with. + +This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as +usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair +French. + +I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled. + +Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very +creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it +made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus. + +But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy. + +From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, +while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered +imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same. + +This staggered me! + +I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the +Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about +Farming." + +_That settled him!_ + +He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of +him! + +The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. +But then you see he had held the office a good while. + +He hasn't left the business to any one, either. + +In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The +sign is down. + +In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the +celebrated "Roger's Slide." + +SAGINAW DODD. + +[_To be continued._] + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +POPULARITY. + +Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved +by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those +who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third +stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time +to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off +somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, +in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their +pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable +news-dealers, at a price within reach of all. + +The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to +posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom. + +It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a +view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in +confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that +sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one +dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces +such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for +high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c. + +I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate +compensation. + +General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us +have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of +it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all +summer," was also a happy thought. + +When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made +gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called +deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a +man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that +something of this sort went the rounds: + + "We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, + during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was + gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in + Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few + words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point." + +At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the +reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended +for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying +anything else. + +If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must +go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's +else. Thus--from a daily paper: + + "The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private + conversation, that the present war would probably end in + victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon." + +Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating +saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were +reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste +and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he +said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner +that thrilled his listeners. + +But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY +has--though it may be a little mildewed. + +Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a +masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a +popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily +have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved. + +But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The +Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By +MOSE SKINNER." + +I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after +retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope. + +MORAL SUASION. + +A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the +following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this +wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at +breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife +and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the +scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, +with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife. + +I will now quote my friends' own words: + +"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and +utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had +visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest +impression upon him. + +"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's +heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal +ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his +mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that +what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. + +"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave +me power to cope with this relentless disposition. + +"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged +manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for +his well being. + +"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable +pathos into my voice, I said: + +"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you +sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?" + +"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his +lips twitched convulsively." + +"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she +kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--" + +"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground +afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's +tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a +malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a +chance, jest for a change?" + +"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the +man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six +respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid +the hysteric weeps of three more in the background." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRACTICAL. + +_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY." + +_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER +BRUSSIAN BIER."] + + * * * * * + +Hot and Cold. + +The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of +an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be +without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping +us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT JUST YET! + +_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY +ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc. + +_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING +I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc. + +_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL +PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus, Phoca.--The Seal. + +This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of +the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the +German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is +equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal. + +The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, +although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. +Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily +engenders confusion. + +Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, +wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport +is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in +general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false +seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the +counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the +Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the +Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after. + +Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing +is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal +passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men +act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation. + +The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very +early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. +JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must +have been well acquainted with their internal structure. + +The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on +the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in +the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that +it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression. + +The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and +seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the +British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious. + +None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may +readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied +has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. +KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to +defend themselves, according to PANEY. + +In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the +coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of +them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken +the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs +disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid +creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a +Se(a)ward direction. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT. + +The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well +as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus +noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well +sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains +PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is +not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it +is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by +turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely +unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index +PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) +Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in +preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) +Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. +(and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ +can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage +who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that +familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly +understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully +appreciated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT +FALL." + +AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO +BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE +CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET. + +His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound +Advice from the Squire. + +Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street +brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the +members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street. + +Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, +Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my +chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters +WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72. + +Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted +hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em: + +My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen: + +As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say +nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily +intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle +alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the +old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a +patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in +a hily clawed up stait. + +Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to +avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel +Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I +believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with +a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible +to rest his timber on. + +My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all +the money I can borrer on it. + +With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are +"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar +passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have +raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up +a greenhorn. + +And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned +site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of +daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, +well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers. + +How do you manage, when you want to make a steak? + +You run up stocks and produce a crysis. + +Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake +and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, +when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall +Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the +heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good +many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too +often. + +If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate +off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked +off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in +the follerin' him: + + Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho', + From which lame ducks are driven, + "Up in a balloon they allers go, + To Tophet, not to Heaven." + +Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. +VANDERBILT. + +What did you do t'other day? + +Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, +up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the +Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his +fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my +friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the +present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway +robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller +citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet. + +When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a +great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal +tender, which is in suckin' distance. + +For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones +thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but +as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and +Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' +_Jew de spree_: + + Come rest on this buzzum, + Oh! butiful broker, + With your arms clinchin' tite, + This innercent choker. + + I'le stand it from thee, + If you'll never go near, + The Bulls and the Bears, + When HIRAM is here. + +(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little +breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so +bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. +VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) + +I agin resoomed: + +My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' +words of advice. + +Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the +hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many +little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your +confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like +the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. +But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by +smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say +is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by +telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand +in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of +betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, +feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close +with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants: + + "Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla, + Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;" + Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw. + The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw. + +Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall +Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down. + +Ewers, without a dowt, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Stage By-play. + +A sporting paper gives the following item: + +"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic +theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the +Union base-ball grounds, last week." + +Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN +BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the +short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. +The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made +them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure +to be caught out in the "flies." + + * * * * * + +Professional. + +"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the +subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know +of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is +called Strychnine." + + * * * * * + +A FECULENT NUISANCE. + +Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, +for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by +a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the +foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. +Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a +quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, +for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern +is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion +into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of +rush-lights. + + * * * * * + +The Greatest Joke of the Season. + +The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City +of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME +TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE +FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT." + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. +When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for +Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the +objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite +the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into +Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A +close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on +the Subject. + +I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I +made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk +frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. +Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the +Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely +difficult to make both ends meet. + +Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called +scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend +the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most +gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned +body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the +members by its distinguished head. + +Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly +profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent +theory may be carried in the advance of science. + +Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from +various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated +that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that +ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, +was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. +NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling +down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of +these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give +a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science. + +Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on +Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient +Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The +audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense +learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, +only interrupted by an occasional snore. + +A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor +M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively +that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on +any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the +author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in +the scientific world. + +Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon +Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the +Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the +action of rust. + +A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be +turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease +to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the +wheels. + +This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, +and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the +distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten. + +Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said +would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may +possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are +said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel. + +The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the +Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the +audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular +Sneezers in point of size. + +An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, +Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation. + +He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an +immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also +observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features +of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the +missing Fenian Head Centre. + +When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had +subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: + +"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound +gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent +addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is +an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as +I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of +learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary +text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables +them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through +an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination +which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous +plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, +when the bag is open. + +As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and +Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the +Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections +on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, +as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the +Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'" + +I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I +had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar +sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on +investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, +that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them +published, and to send you a copy of each. + +Profoundly yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +Pearing Time. + +We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in +blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before +been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go +pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor? + + * * * * * + +INDEX + + A. + + About a Clock + Advice to Picnic Parties + Aerated Verbiage + Agricultural Column, Our + Albany Cock Robins + Allurements of the Period + All Aboard for Holland + All Hail + American Cutlery in France + Answers to Correspondents + Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? + Astronomical Conversations + Associated Press Telegrams + Augean Job, An + + B. + + Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The + Bachelor's Moving Day, The + Bad "Odor" in the West + Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten + "Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c. + Beautiful Snow + Bit of Natural History, A + Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The + Bingham on Rome + Blocks and Blockheads + Book Notices + Boyhood + Bow-Wow! + Broadbrim to Aborigine + Business + By George + + C. + + Cause and Effect + Captain Hall, To + Cable News + Caution + Cats, On + Card of Thanks, A + Chat about Railroads, A + Chance for our Organ Grinders, A + Charge of the Ninth Brigade + Chinopathy + China Pattern, A + Chincapin at Long Branch + Chincapin among the Free Lovers + Church Militant + Cincinnatus Sweeny + Condensed Congress + Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy + Cons, by a Wrecker + Comic Zoology + Congressman to his Critics, A + Consistent League, A + Coup d'etat, My + Correspondence Bureau + Contemporary Sentiments + Conversion of the "_Sun_" + Cool, if not Comfortable + Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The + Criticism of the Period + Critical Intelligence + Crispin _vs_. Coolie + Current Tables + CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870 + Our Efficient Navy Department + The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies + The Great National Game + Financial Belief + The Sick Eagle + The Financial Inquisition + Editorial Washing Day in New York + The New Plea for Murder + International Yachting + The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it + The Blood Money + "What I Know About Farming" + The Wedding Ring again + Modern Matrimony + Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee + The New Pandora's Box + Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets + Death of the "Entente Cordial" + Wonderful Tour de Force + The Ovation of Murder + Law _versus_ Lawlessness + What Will He Do With It? + At the Saratoga Convention + Humpty Dumpty + + D. + + Depressions for Chicago + Delights of Dougherty, The + Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers + Distinguished Visitor, A + Dorgs, On + Dogs Tale, A + Down the Bay + Drainage under Difficulties + Dreadful State of Things out West, The + Dubious English + Dwarf Dejected, The + + E. + + Earthly Paradise + Editorial Washing Day + Elevated Statesmanship + England's Quandry + Episode of Jack Horner + Excellent Old Song Made New, An + Excelsior + + F. + + Fable + Ferocity of Failure, The + Female Gentleman, The + Fifteenth Amendment + Finances, On the + Fish Sauce + Fine Arts in Philadelphia + Fiscalities + Fish Culture + Fishery Question, The + Financial + Financial Article, Our + Four Seasons, The + Forty-four to Fourteen + Foreign Correspondence + Foam + Free Baths, The + From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter + Fun and Fin + + G. + + Gay Young Joker, A + George Francis the Ubiquitous + Glimpses of Fortune + Gossip in a School-house + Good for Something Better + Gravestones For Sale + Grant's Blackbird pie + Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort + Greeley on Bailey + Great Canal Enterprise, The + Great African Tea Company, The + Greek Meeting Greek + + H. + + Habits of Great Men + Hamlet from a Rural Point + Hall and Hayes + H. G. and Terpsichore + Hints for the Family + High and Low Church + Hints upon High Art + Hints to Car Conductors + Hints for Those Who Will Take Them + Hints for the Census + High Notes by our Musical Critic + Hiram Green at Saratoga + Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel + Hiram Green on the Chinese + Hiram Green Experience as an Editor + Hiram Green writes to Napoleon + Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes + Hiram Green at the Female Convention + Hiram Green on Base Ball + Hiram Green among the Fat men + Hiram Green to Napoleon + Hiram Green in Wall Street + How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull + Horticultural Hints + Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The + Homodeification + Hyperborean + + I. + + Idiomatic Items + Important to Publishers + Indian, The + Interesting to Bone Boilers + Interior Illumination + Indian Question, The + Information Wanted + Inspiration vs. Perspiration + Items from our Rural Reporters + + J + + Joys of Summer, The + Jottings from Washington + Jumbles + Jupiter Bellicosus + + K + + Kellogg Testimonials, The + King Oakey, the First + King Craft Looking Up + + L + + Latest from Washington + Latest News Items + Latest about "Lo." + Letter from a Friend + Letter of Advice, A + Letter from a Japanese Student + Letter from a Croaker, A + Leaven of Leavenworth + Literary Vampire + Lines by a Hapless Swain + Long Shot, A + "Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs + Love in a Boarding-House + Lucus a non, etc + + M + + Mariner's Wrongs, The + Marriage Market in Rome, The + Maine Question in Massachusetts + Marine Mixture, A + Managers of Railroads, To + Medical Miss, A + Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the + Mercantile Library Association + Mind your P's and Q's + Miseries of a Handsome Man + Motley Melody, A + Municipal Competition + Murphy the Conqueror + Mythology, Of + Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. + Mythology, Further of + Mythology, More + + N + + National Taxidermy + Napoleon's Latest Manifesto + Natural Mistake, A + New Conglomerate Pavement + New England to New York + New Railway Project, A + New "Process", The + Ninety-nine in the Shade + Nothing like Leather + Notary's Protest, A + Nought for Nought + Now We Shall Have It + Notes from Chicago + Now's your Chance + Note from the Orchestra + + O + + Ode to the Missing Collector + Old Bailey Practitioner, An + Old Boy to the Young Ones, An + Old Saws Re-set + Old Iron + Olive Logan + Opinions of the Press + Orange Peel, Etcetera + Origin of the Mississippi + Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of + Organizing an Organ + Origin of Punchinello + O, that air! + Our Future + Out of the Streets + Our Literary Legate + Our Cuban Telegrams + Our Explosives + + P + + Patriotic Adoration + Pat to the Question + Parable About the 12th of July + Pardonable Solicitude + Perennius Ære + Periodical Literature + Philadelvings + Plays and Shows + Please the Pigs + Plea for Protection + Pluckily Patriotic, Still + Poems of the Cradle + Popularity, Our + Political Claptrap + Police Report, Our + Possible "Why" of it, The + Portfolio, Our + Prospectus + Pump, The + Punchinello's New Charter + Punchinello in Wall Street + Punchinello's Lyrics + Punchinello and the Aldermen + Punchinello on the Jury + Punchinello Is Sorry + Punchinello's Vacations + Punchinello as a "Savan" + + Q + + Query + + R + + Raising Cain + Rather Mixed + Rather Flashy Idea, A + Ramblings + Real Estate of Woman, The + Religious Amusements + Remonstrance, A + Religion of Temperance + Receipe to be Tested + Reform in Juvenile Literature + Rejuvenated France + Right and Left + Robins, The + Romaunt of the Oyster + Rose by any other Name, A + Roar from Niagara, A + Romance of a Rich Young Man + + S + + Sailing Directions, &c + Science Forever + Seasonable Parody, A + Several Unsavory Renderings + Ship Ahoy! + Sic Semper Epluribus, &c + Sorosian Impromptu, A + Song of the Returned Soldier + Song of the New Babel + Song of the Red Cloud + Song of the Chicago Lawyer + Song of the Mosquito + Society, &c + Spencerian Chaff + Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats + Spring Fever + Spirit of the Navy + Standard Literature + Stridor Pentium + Summer on the Catskills + Summer at Sandy Point + + T + + Taking a Senator's Measure + Take Care of the Wounded + Temperance Song + That Indian Talk + Thiers, Idle Thiers + Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus + Titans + "Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The + To Our Readers + Traveller's Tales + Treatment for Potato Bugs + Truly Noble + Tutti Tremando + Turkish Bath, My + + U + + Ulyss, To + Umbrella, The + Uncle Samuel + Universockdology + Urbs in Rure + + V + + V.H. to Punchinello + Visit to "Sheridan's Ride" + Voice from the Hub + Voice of the Turtle, The + Vultures Call, The + + W + + Wanted, a Sheriff + War, The + Wat Cum Snecst + Way to Become Great, The + Weather Prophecies for May + Western Nomenclature + What the Press is Expected to Say + What I Know About Free Trade + What I Know About Protection + What Is It + What Sigerson Says + What Shall We Call It? + Why is it so Dry? + Woman, Past and Present + Women's Rights Again + Woman in Wall Street + Woman in the Census + Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet + Words and their Abases + Wrong Mouth + Wringer of the Future + + Y + + Y.M.C.A. + + * * * * * + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart& Co. | + | | + | Have opened | + | | + | AN IMMENSE STOCK OF | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | For | + | | + | STREET AND EVENING DRESSES, | + | | + | At $2 per yard, | + | | + | Recently sold at $4 and $5. | + | | + | A LARGE LINE OF | + | | + | STRIPED SILKS, | + | | + | FRESH GOODS | + | | + | $1 to $1.50 per yard. | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | From $1.25 per yard upward. | + | | + | Plain and Plaid Poplins, | + | Satins de Chine, | + | Empress Cloths, | + | Royal Velvets, | + | Serges, etc. | + | | + | Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully | + | requested to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Have largely replenished all their | + | | + | Popular Stocks of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | Etc., Etc. | + | | + | WITH GOODS WHICH | + | | + | For Quality, Style and Prices, | + | | + | CANNOT BE EXCELLED, | + | | + | and respectfully request purchasers | + | | + | To Examine the Same, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | CARPETS. | + | | + | 100 Pieces Five-Frame | + | | + | ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | + | | + | Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | 200 Pieces do., Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced | + | to $2 per yard. | + | | + | Very Best Quality | + | | + | ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | + | | + | $1.30 per yard. | + | | + | FRENCH MOQUETTES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | AXMINSTERS | + | | + | $3.50 and $4 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | + | | + | CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | + | | + | Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | + | | + | English and Domestic | + | | + | OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | + | | + | MATS, ETC., | + | | + | At extremely low prices | + | | + | A.T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) 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Wholesale and Retail. | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September +24, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 *** |