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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10033-0.txt b/10033-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f71d3e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2225 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10033 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Vol. I No. 25 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, | + | September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Fine Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, with a | + | fine chromo premium, for------ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper, | + | | + | everywhere. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No, 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for August, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 Broadway | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M, | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, July, and August, an attractive | + | and Saleable Work | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845] | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS | + | | + | The Best and Cheapest | + | | + | 256 Broadway | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats, C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31. will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson | + | and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in | + | connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at | + | Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 | + | from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XVIII + +A SUBTLE STRANGER. + +The latest transient guest at the Roach House--a hotel kept on the +entomological plan in Bumsteadville--was a gentleman of such lurid +aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be. +His enormous head of curled red hair not only presented a central +parting on top and a very much one-sided parting and puffing-out behind, +but actually covered both his ears; while his ruddy semi-circle of beard +curled inward, instead of out, and greatly surprised, if it did not +positively alarm, the looker-on, by appearing to remain perfectly +motionless, no matter how actively the stranger moved his jaws. This +ball of improbable inflammatory hair and totally independent face rested +in a basin of shirt collar; which, in its turn, was supported by a rusty +black necktie and a very loose suit of gritty alpaca; so that, taking +the gentleman for all in all, such an incredible human being had rarely +been seen outside of literary circles. + +"Landlord," said the stranger to the brown linen host of the Roach +House, who was intently gazing at him with the appreciative expression +of one who beholds a comic ghost,--"landlord, after you have finished +looking at my head and involuntarily opening your mouth at some +occasional peculiarity of my whiskers, I should like to have something +to eat. As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this year, and +that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of Health in +consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork and beans, +and some crackers. Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for I'm uncommon +fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in the head, +they clear the brain and make it more subtle." + +Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had ordered, +together with a glass of the heady native wine called applejack, the +gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its bed in the beans, +when, with much interest, he closely inspected the spot of vegetables he +had uncovered, and expressed the belief that there was something alive +in it. + +"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst these beans +that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move." + +Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which gave him +an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the landlord +bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched the beans, and +thoughtfully scrutinized the living raisin. + +"As I thought, sir, it is only a water-bug," he observed, rescuing the +insect upon his thumb-nail. "You need not have been frightened, however, +for they never bite." + +Somewhat reassured, the stranger went on eating until his knife +encountered resistance in the secondary layer of beans; when he once +more inspected the dish, with marked agitation. + +"Can this be a skewer, down here?" inquired he, prodding at some hard, +springy object with his fork. + +The host of the Roach House bore both fork and object to a window, where +the light was less deceptive, and was presently able to announce +confidently that the object was only a hair-pin. Then, observing that +his guest looked curiously at a cracker, which, from the gravelly marks +on one side, seemed to have been dug out of the earth, like a potato, he +hastened to obviate all complaint in that line by carefully wiping every +individual cracker with his pocket handkerchief. + +"And now, landlord," said the stranger, at last, pulling a couple of +long, unidentified hairs from his mouth as he hurriedly retired from the +meal, "I suppose you are wondering who I am?" + +"Well, sir," was the frank answer, "I can't deny that there are points +about you to make a plain man like myself thoughtful. There's that about +your hair, sir, with the middle-parting on top and the side-parting +behind, to give a plain person the impression that your brain must be +slightly turned, and that, by rights, your face ought to be where your +neck is. Neither can I deny, sir, that the curling of your whiskers the +wrong way, and their peculiarity in remaining entirely still while your +mouth is going, are circumstances calculated to excite the liveliest +apprehensions of those who wish you well." + +"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may either +exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result of my +own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a few +weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea where +a dead-beat,[1] like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in +Bumsteadville?" + +The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork and beans +was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a Mrs. SMYTHE, +wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took hash-eaters +for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church private +boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had to do was +to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he found the +place. + +Donning his Panama hat, and carrying a stout cane, Mr. CLEWS was quickly +upon the turnpike; and, his course taking him near the pauper +burial-ground, he presently perceived an extremely disagreeable child +throwing stones at pigeons in a field, and generally hitting the +beholder. + +"You young Alderman! what do you mean?" he exclaimed, with marked +feeling, rubbing the place on his knee which had just been struck. + +"Then just give me a five-cent stamp to aim at yer, and yer won't ketch +it onc't," replied the boyish trifler. "I couldn't hit what I was to +fire at if it was my own daddy." + +"Here are ten cents, then," said the gentleman, wildly dodging the last +shot at a distant pigeon, "and now show me where Mrs. SMYTHE lives. + +"All right, old brick-top," assented the merry sprite, with a vivacious +dash of personality. "D'yer see that house as yer skoot past the Church +and round the corner?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, that's SMYTHE'S, and BUMSTEAD lives there, too--him as is always +tryin' to put a head on me. I'll play my points on him yet, though. +_I'll_ play my points!" And the rather vulgar young chronic absentee +from Sunday-school retired to a proper distance, and from thence began +stoning his benefactor to the latter's perfect safety. + +Reaching the boarding-house of Mrs. SMYTHE, as directed, Mr. TRACEY +CLEWS soon learned from the lady that he could have a room next to the +apartment of Mr. BUMSTEAD, to whom he was referred for further +recommendation of the establishment. Though that broken-hearted +gentleman was mourning the loss of a beloved umbrella, accompanied by a +nephew, and having a bone handle, Mrs. SMYTHE was sure he would speak a +good word for her house. Perhaps Mr. CLEWS had heard of his loss? + +Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but had a +confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, at +various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must make +such a loss still heavier. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took place, and +having Judge SWEENEY for company over a bowl of lemon tea, the new +boarder lifted his hat politely to both dignitaries, and involuntarily +smacked his lips at the mixture they were taking for their coughs. + +"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, in a manner almost +stealthy; "but, as I am about to take summer board with the lady of this +house, I beg leave to inquire if she and the man she married are +strictly moral except in having cold dinner on Sunday?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, who sat very limply in his chair, said that she was a very +good woman, a very good woman, and would spare no pains to secure the +comfort of such a head of hair as he then saw before him. + +"This is my dear friend, Judge SWEENEY," continued the Ritualistic +organist, languidly waving a spoon towards that gentleman, "who has a +very good wife in the grave, and knows much more about women and gravy +than I. As for me," exclaimed Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly climbing upon the +arm of his chair and staring at Mr. CLEW'S head rather wildly, "my only +bride was of black alpaca, with a brass ferrule, and I can never care +for the sex again." Here Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes had been rolling in an +extraordinary manner, tumbled into his chair again, and then, frowning +intensely, helped himself to lemon tea. + +"I am referred to your Honor for further particulars," observed Mr. +TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound our friend +further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if Bumsteadville +contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like myself?" + +"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could show you a +tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph upon my +late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help enjoying +it." + +Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never been a +married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the +literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat. + +"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and more +struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair and +beard. + +"His Honor flatters me too much." + +"Something in the lunatic line, then, perhaps?" + +"I have told your Honor that I never was married." + +Since last speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD had been staring at the new boarder's +head and face, with a countenance expressive of mingled consternation +and wrath, and now made a startling rush at him from his chair and +fairly forced half a glass of lemon tea down his throat. + +"There, sir!" said the mourning organist, panting with suppressed +excitement. "That will keep you from taking cold until you can be walked +up and down in the open air long enough to get your hair and beard +sober. They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your head has +fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they belonged to +somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my present state of +mind I can't bear it." + +Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty dismissal, +Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in precipitate +haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, that the +gentleman they had just left had surprised him unprecedentedly, and that +he was very much put out by it. + +"Mr. JOHN BUMSTEAD, sir," explained the Judge, "is almost beside himself +at the double loss he has sustained, and I think that the sight of your +cane, there, maddened him with the memory it revived." + +"Why," exclaimed the gentleman of the hair, staring in wonder, "you +don't mean to tell me that my cane looks at all like his nephew?" + +"It looks a little like the stick of his umbrella, which he lost at the +same time," was the grave answer. + +After walking on in thoughtful silence for a while, as though deeply +pondering the striking character of a man whose great nature could thus +at once unite the bereaved uncle with the sincere mourner for the dumb +friend of his rainier days, Mr. TRACEY CLEWS asked whether suspicion yet +pointed to any one? + +Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a certain +person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in sufficient +amount to justify the exertions of police officials having families to +support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as it was not +exactly certain that the abstraction of an umbrella by unknown parties +would justify the criminal prosecution of a person for having in his +possession an Indian Club:--in view of all these complicated +circumstances, the law did not feel itself authorized to execute any +assassin at present. + +"And here we are, sir, at last, near our Ritualistic Church," continued +Judge SWEENEY, "where we stand up for the Rite so much that strangers +sometimes complain of it as fatiguing. Upon that monument yonder, in the +graveyard, you may find the epitaph I have mentioned. What is more, here +comes a rather interesting local character of ours, who cut the +inscription and put up the monument." + +Mr. MCLAUGHLIN came shuffling up the road as he spoke, followed in the +distance by the inevitable SMALLEY and a shower of promiscuous stones. + +"Here, you boy!" roared Judge SWEENEY, beckoning the amiable child to +him with a bit of small money, "aim at _all_ of us--do you hear?--and +see that you don't hit any windows. And now, MCLAUGHLIN, how do you do? +Here is a gentleman spending the summer with us, who would like to know +you." + +Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to him, with +undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the gentleman would +come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle with him, he +would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way of a further +acquaintance. + +"I shall certainly call upon you," assented Mr. CLEWS, "if our young +friend, the stone-thrower, will accept a trifle to show me the way." + +Before retiring to his bed that night, the same Mr. TRACEY CLEWS took +off his hair and beard, examined them closely, and then broke into a +strange smile. "No wonder they all looked at me so!" he soliloquized, +"for I did have my locks on the topside backmost, and my whiskers turned +the wrong way. However, for a dead-beat, with all his imperfections on +his head, I've formed a pretty large acquaintance for one day."[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 1: "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its nearest +native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, variously, +according to circumstances, a successful American politician; a wife's +male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a newspaper, a New York +detective policeman; any person who is uncommonly pleasant with people, +while never asking them to take anything with him; a pious boarder; a +French revolutionist.] + +[Footnote 2: In both conception and execution, the original of the above +Chapter, in Mr. DICKENS's work, is, perhaps, the least felicitous page +of fiction ever penned by the great novelist; and, as this Adaptation is +in no wise intended as a burlesque, or caricature, of the _style_ at the +original, (but rather as a conscientious imitation of it, so far as +practicable,) the Adapter has not allowed himself that license of humor +which, in the most comically effective treatment of said Chapter, might +bear the appearance of such an intention.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Patchouli._--What is the substance which enables flies to adhere to the +ceiling? +_Answer._--Ceiling wax. + +_Rosalie._--What is the meaning of the term "suspended animation?" +_Answer._--If you remain at any fashionable watering-place after the +close of the season you'll find out. + +_Zanesvillian._--Your pronunciation of the French word _bois_ is +incorrect, else you could not have fallen into the blunder of supposing +that the Bois de Boulogne and the Bois de Vincennes are _gamins_ of +Paris. + +_Blunderbore._--Your suggestion is ingenious, but the refined sentiment +of cruelty revealed in it is deserving of the severest censure. It is +true that the introduction of German cookery into France by the +Prussians, as you propose, would in a short time decimate the +population, but what a fearful precedent it would be! You can best +realize it by imagining Massachusetts cookery introduced into New York, +and the consequent desolation of her purliens. + +_Mrs. Gamp._--No; neither the French nor the Prussians are armed with +air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those distracting war +reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so conspicuously. + +_R.G.W._--What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which occurs in the +Shaksperean drama? +_Answer._--Some trace it to Ben Zine, an inflammable friend of "ancient +Pistol's." It is far more probable, however, that the word was +originally written "Bazainian," and was merely prophetic of the +well-known epithet now bestowed by Prussian soldiers on the French +troops serving under BAZAINE. + +_Earl Russel_--In reply to your question as to whether the thumb nail of +HOGARTH on which he made his traditional sketch of a drunken man, is now +in an American collection, we can only state that, of course, it once +formed a leading object of interest in BARNUM'S Museum. As that building +was destroyed by fire in 1865, however, it is to be presumed that the +HOGARTH nail perished with all the other nails, or was sold with them, +as "junk." + +_Invalid._--To regain strength you should take means to increase the +amount of iron in your blood. Bark will do it, which accounts for the +fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of iron. Here in New +York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood is to have a knife +run into you by the hand of an assassin; but this is not considered +favorable to longevity. + + * * * * * + +THE ROMANCE OF A RICH YOUNG MAN. + +It happened, once upon a time, that there was a great city, and that +city, being devoid of a sensation, yearned for a great man. Then the +wise men of the city began to look around, when lo! there entered +through the gates of the city a certain peddler from a foreign country, +which is called Yankee Land, and behold! the great man was found. He +dealt in shekels and stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became +like unto a golden calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and +worshipped him. Now it happened that at first, like all great men, he +was misunderstood, and the people ascribed his success to his partner, +so that everybody said, + + The name is but the guinea's stamp, + The man's a GOULD for all that; + +but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name of JEAMES +PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth. + +Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called DEDREW, +who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad +corporation called the Eareye, because, while it was much in everybody's +ear, no one could see anything of it or its dividends. So JEAMES PHYSKE +went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your servant is as +full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray you, your chief +adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW smiled upon him, as +he is wont to do, and finding that he was a stranger, he took him in, +and knowing that all were fish which came unto his net, he straightway +put him in the high places in Eareye, saying unto himself, "I will take +this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE sat high in Eareye. But it came to +pass very soon thereafter, that DEDREW and PHYSKE fell out, some say +about the division of the spoils which they had taken from the enemy, +which, being interpreted, is the people, while others do state that +DEDREW attempted to cut the wool from PHYSKE, but that it stuck so +tightly that PHYSKE caught him. Anyhow, it came to pass, very soon, that +DEDREW was sitting on the outside steps of Eareye, and PHYSKE was +sitting on DEDREW'S throne. + +Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did multiply it +manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it happened +that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion on the +street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have foreign +singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is called the +fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big fiddle, and upon +sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and upon divers other +instruments. And PHYSKE looked upon the mansion, and it seemed good in +his eyes, and he said unto PYKE, "Sell me now your mansion." And PYKE +did sell unto him the mansion, and the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon the violin, which is called the fiddle, and the players +upon the big fiddle, and the players upon the drums, and the players +upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE forthwith built himself a +throne there, and did make the mansion the palace of Eareye. And he +would sit upon his throne and view the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon divers instruments, and would much applaud, when his +foreign dancers did dance a certain dance, wherein the toe is placed +upon the forehead, and which is called the _cancan_. And all the people +came and worshipped him, him and his foreign singers and dancers, and +players upon divers instruments, and his great diamond. And PHYSKE was +called Prince Eareye. + +Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the ocean; so +he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to the foreign +land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a goodly number +of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy him a coat of +many colors, and did stand upon the landing place, which is called the +dock, and the players upon divers instruments did play, "Hail to the +Chief," and all the people did shout, "Hurrah for Admiral PHYSKE, Prince +of Eareye!" for he was of a noble stature, being four hands wider than +his fellows. + +Now it came to pass that divers envious persons did institute certain +troublesome actions, which are called suits, against him, and did +endeavor to drive him from the land, but PHYSKE took a field and went +before a barnyard, and did rout these envious persons, and did smite +them on the hip, which, being interpreted, is that he dismissed their +suits, and did smite them on the thigh, which, being interpreted, is, +did make them pay costs. But the field and the barnyard were much +employed. + +Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in shekels, +and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us whether +those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, nay, let us +buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers persons, dealers in +shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and were all of one accord. +Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto him nay, and PHYSKE and +the divers other persons did buy much gold. Now it happened that those +in high places did sell gold, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons +were sore afraid, and did fall upon each other's necks and did weep. But +PHYSKE straightway recovered and said unto them, "Lo, if I do murder and +the doctor say that I was insane, am I not forthwith discharged?" and +they said unto him, "It is even so." Then said he unto them, "Let us +send our broker into the board, so that he shall act like an insane man, +and can we be held for an insane man's purchases?" And they were filled +with great rejoicing. And the broker did go into the board, and did act +like an insane man, and PHYSKE and divers other persons did retain their +shekels. And it was Friday when they did these things, and when they had +done them they laughed until they were black in their faces, and the +day--is it not called Black Friday? + +Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other roads, and +waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was much +interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings--can they not be +found in the pages of "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is +the Moon, and are they not preserved there for two centuries? + +And then it came to pass that PHYSKE sat himself down and sighed because +there were no more worlds to conquer. But straightway he resolved to +become a Colonel. So certain persons endeavored to make him commander of +the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, which is Brains, +ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers said unto each other, +"Is it not better that we should have body than brains, and had we not +better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So they deposed Brains and +chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. And he straightway +submitted them to twelve temptations. Now it happened, that, as he was +marching at the head of his soldiers in the place wherein these twelve +temptations are kept, a certain servant of one Mammon did serve upon him +a paper, which is called a summons, and did command him to pay for his +butter. At which PHYSKE was much enraged and did wax wroth. And +thereupon he did march and countermarch his soldiers many times. And he +ordered another coat of many colors, and lo! in all Chatham Street there +was not cloth enough to make it, so they brought it from a foreign land. +And it came to pass that he and the centurion, which is Brains--for +should not body and brains work together?--did march the soldiers down +the street which is called Broadway, and did take them to the Branch +which is called Long, and there did divers curious things, all which are +they not found in the paper, "It shines for all," which, being +interpreted, is the Moon? + +Now it happened that one HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, did fall +upon PHYSKE and did berate him in a paper, which is called the _Try +Buin_. And PHYSKE became very wroth and did stop the sale of the paper, +which is called the _Try Buin_, upon his roads. And HO RACE GREL HE, +being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did fall straightway upon his +knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has sinned! I pray thee forgive +him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," which, being interpreted, +is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch you at it again." + +And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but are they not +written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who runs, read them +there? + +LOT. + + + * * * * * + +From the Spirit of Lindley Murray. + +When is a schoolboy like an event that has happened? +When he has come to parse. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Vain heading! This paper is not intended to communicate anything about a +vacation. "Would that it were! says Mr. PUNCHINELLO, from the bottom of +his heart. + +Last week Mr. P. intended going to the White Mountains. + +But he didn't go. + +On his way to the Twenty-third Street depot, he met the Count JOANNES. + +"Ah ha! my noble friend!" said the latter. ""Whither away"?" + +Mr. P. explained whither he was away; and was amazed to see the singular +expression which instantly spread itself over the countenance of his +noble friend. + +"To the "White Mountains!"cried the Count," why, my good fellow, what +are you thinking of? Do you not know that this is September?" + +"Certainly I do,"said Mr. P." I know that this is the season when Nature +revels in her richest hues, and Aurora gilds the fairest landscape; when +the rays of glorious old Sol are tempered by the soft caresses of the +balmiest zephyrs, and--" + +"Oh, certainly! certainly!" cried the Count, "I have no doubt of it; not +the least bit in the world. In fact, I have been in those places myself +when a boy, and I know all about it. But let me tell you, sir, as +_amicus curiae_, (and I assure you that I have often been _amicus +curiae_ before,) that society will not tolerate anything of this kind on +your part, sir. The skies in the country may be bluest at this season, +sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most gorgeous, and +accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, but it will not +do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a manner to +society, and society will never forgive him for going into the country +after the season is over. As _amicus curiae_--" + +"_Amicus_ your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does society know +about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for enjoying them?" + +"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing his sword +a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again with: clanging +sound. "And representing society, as I do in my proper person here, sir, +I say that any man who would go into the country in the latter part of +September is a---" + +"A what, sir?" said Mr. P., nervously fingering his umbrella. + +"Yes, sir, he is, sir!" + +"Do you say that, sir?" + +"In your teeth, sir!" + +"'Tis false, sir!" + +"What, sir?" + +"Just so, sir!" + +"To me, sir?" + +"To you, sir!" + +The Count JOANNES drew his sword. + +Mr. P. stood _en garde_. + +Just at this moment the Greenwich Street Cordwainers' Target +Association, preceded by one half the whole body of Metropolitan Police, +approached the spot. The Target Society were out on a street parade, and +the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all vehicles and +foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the business of a +great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and melancholy +little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing their utter +ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of firearms. + +Perceiving this vast body of police, with Superintendent JOURDAN at its +head, advancing with measured tread upon them, the Count sheathed his +sword and Mr. P. shut up his deadly weapon. + +Slowly and in opposite directions they withdrew from the ground. + +It was too late for Mr. P.'s train, and he returned to his home. There, +in the solitude of his private apartments, he came to the conclusion +that it would be useless to oppose the decrees of Society. The idea that +the Count, that worthy leader of the metropolitan _ton_, had put into +his head, was not to be treated contemptuously. He must give up all the +fruity richness of September, the royal glories of October, and the +delicious hazes of the Indian Summer, pack away his fish-hooks and his +pocket-flask, and stay in the city like the rest of the fools. + +This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from dreaming. He had a +delightful dream that night, in which he found himself sailing on Lake +George; ascending Mount Washington; and participating in the revelry of +a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of Kings and Queens and Suffolk +Counties. As nearly as circumstances will permit, he has endeavored to +give an idea of his dream by means of the following sketch. + +Taken as a whole, Mr. P. is not desirous that this dream should come +true, but taken in parts he would have no objections to see it fulfilled +as soon as Society will permit. + +Which will be, he supposes, about next July. + +In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have depended +entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who will now +be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort to go to +some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the fashionable +season is over,--that is, if they think they can brave the opinion of +society. It may not be so pleasant to go to these places as to read Mr. +P.'s accounts of them, but it is the best that can be done. + +The following little tail-piece will give a forcible idea of how +completely Mr. P. has given up, for the season, his field sports and +country pleasures. Copies may be obtained by placing a piece of +tracing-paper over the picture and following the lines with a +lead-pencil. + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VI. + + TAFFY was a Welshman, + TAFFY was a thief, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a piece of beef. + I went to TAFFY'S house, + TAFFY wasn't at home, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a mutton bone. + +It is not often that a poet descends to the discussion of mundane +affairs. His sphere of usefulness, oftentimes usefulness to himself, +only, lies among the roseate clouds of the morn, or the spiritual +essences of the cerulean regions, but, like other human beings, he +cannot live on the zephyr breeze, or on the moonbeams flitting o'er the +rippling stream. Such ethereal food is highly unproductive of adipose +tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any other man. And our poet is +no exception to the rule, for he well knew that good digestible poetry +can't be written on an empty stomach. + +It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize every +opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so happy +as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers tending +to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself perform. + +But with our poet--and we have been exceptional in our choice--he has +always been backward in coming forward, and it was not until he was +touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make himself heard, +when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few ills which flesh +is heir to. + +The opportune moment arrived. + +He had been out since early dawn, gathering the dew from the +sweet-scented flower, or painting in liquid vowels the pleasant calmness +of the cow-pasture, or mayhap echoing with hie pencil's point the +well-noted strains of the Shanghai rooster, when the far-off distant +bell announced to him that he must finish his poetic pabulum, and hurry +home to something more in accordance with the science of modern cookery. + +He arrived and found his household in tumult. "Who's been here since +I've been gone?" sang he, in pathetic tones. And he heard in mournful +accents the answer, "TAFFY." + +Could anything more melancholy have befallen our poet? He could remember +in childhood's merry days the old candy-woman, with her plentiful store +of brown sweetness long drawn out; and how himself and companions spent +many a pleasant hour teasing their little teeth with the delicate +morsels. Now his childhood's dreams vanished. He remembered that + + "TAFFY was a Welshman." + +And then, after a careful scrutiny of the larder, assisted by the +gratuitous services of his ever faithful feline friend, THOMAS, he +found the extent of his loss. + + "TAFFY was a thief," + +he now gave vent to passion, while anguish rent his soul. TAFFY had been +here, and made good his coming, although the good was entirely on +TAFFY'S side, for he walked off again with a piece of beef, and was, +even at this very moment, smacking his chops over its tender fibres. + +All his respect for TAFFY now vanished like the misty cloud before the +rays of the morning sun. He buckled on the armor of his strength, +departed for TAFFY'S house, determined to wreak his vengeance thereon, +and scatter TAFFY, limb for limb, throughout his own corn-field. "Woe, +woe to TAFFY," he muttered between his clenched teeth. "I will make +mincemeat of him; I will enclose him in sausage skins, and will send him +to that good man, KI YI SAMPSON." + +Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at TAFFY'S +house, he was informed, with mocking smiles. + + "TAFFY wasn't at home." + +Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.--All dashed to +the ground by one foul scathing blow. + +But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you waited, +but we will tell you now. TAFFY liked beef; liked it as no other human +liked it, for he could eat it raw. And when, foraging around the +village, he found a nice piece at the poet's house, his carnivorous +proclivities induced him to steal it, and, with it under his arm, +hurried off to the nearest barn, and there rapidly devoured it. This +only seemed to give him an appetite. He went foraging again, but this +time only picked up a mutton-bone. "The nearer the bone, the sweeter the +meat," cried TAFFY, and with a flourish he hastened to his hiding place, +while the poor poet, disconsolate in his first loss, returned home only +to find a second; and the culprit was still free. + +Ah! my kind reader, here was a deep cut to our poet. "Who would care for +mother now?" he sang, for all the meat was gone. Home was no longer the +dearest spot on earth to him, since it was rudely desecrated by the +hands of TAFFY--of DAVID, the Welshman. + +Poor poet! Cruel TAFFY! + +Let me draw the curtain of popular sympathy over the unhappy household. +The poet has told his story in words which will never die; and he has +proclaimed the infamy of TAFFY to the uttermost corners of the earth. + + * * * * * + +Sweeping Reform. + +The world moves. There is a chiropodist now travelling in the East who +removes excrescences of the feet simply by sweeping them away with a +corn broom. When last heard of he was at Alexandria, and there is no +corn in Egypt, now. + + * * * * * + +OUR EXPLOSIVES. + +What between nitroglycerine, kerosene, and ordinary gas, New York city +has, for years.past, been admirably provided with explosives. Now we +have to add gasoline to the interesting catalogue of inflammables. What +gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, as it knocked +several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days since, it must be +something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have been safer for +Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the present dearth +of public amusements, these jolly explosives--gasoline, dualine, +nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,--come in very well to create a +sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen keep them +in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well as +Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means. + + * * * * * + +Aggravating. + +The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now announced that the +Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier. + + * * * * * + +Anna-Tom-ical. + +"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists upon it that +he still feels pain in the arm and fingers."--(Daily Paper.) + +This is strange, certainly, but not more so than the statement of our +young man, TOM, who affirms that, having had his arm around ANNA'S waist +some three weeks ago, he still feels the most bewitching sensations in +that arm. Who can explain these things? + + * * * * * + +_Prussicos odi, puer, apparatus_,--as old NAP said to young NAP, when +the Teutonic bullets flew about them at Saarbruck. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT IS CORRECT, BUT THIS IS +PUNCHINELLO'S IDEA OF THE CHASSE POT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FACT FROM LAKE SUPERIOR. + +_Shipwrecked Cockney_.--"I SAY, CAPTAIN, ARE THERE ANY BEARS ABOUT HERE? +I'VE COME PREPARED FOR A LITTLE SPORT, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +THE CHARGE OF THE NINTH BRIGADE. + +"Col. FISK, Jr., marched his men up to the Continental Bar-room this +evening and gave them a _carte blanche_ order for drinks."--_Special to +morning paper_. + + Half asleep, half asleep, + Half asleep, onward + Into the bar-room bright + Strode the Six Hundred: + 'Forward the Ninth Brigade! + Charge this to me," he said. + Into the bar-room, then + Rushed the Six Hundred. + + Topers to right of them. + Topers to left of them, + Old sots in front of them, + Parleyed and wondered; + Yet into line they fell, + Boldly they drank, and well + Into the jaws of each, + Into the mouth of all, + Drinks went, Six Hundred. + + Flashed the big diamond there, + Flashed as its owner square + Treated his soldiers there, + Charging a bar-room, while + All the "beats" wondered. + Choked with tobacco smoke, + Straight for the door they broke, + Pushing and rushing, + Reeled from the Bourbon stroke, + Shattered and sundered; + Thus they went back--they did-- + On the Six Hundred. + + Whiskey to right of them, + Cocktails to left of them, + Popping corks after them, + Volleyed and thundered, + Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,-- + Many a hero fell. + Tho' some did stand it well, + Those that were left of them, + Left of Six Hundred. + + Oh! what a bill was paid, + Oh! what a noise they made, + All Long Branch wondered; + Oh! what a noise they made, + They of the Ninth Brigade, + Jolly Six Hundred! + + * * * * * + +A Sun-burst. + +The _Sun_ regretfully announces that PUNCHINELLO is about to "give up +the ghost." PUNCHINELLO begs to assure the Sun that he doesn't keep a +ghost; though, at the same time, the mistake was a natural one enough to +emanate from Mr. C. A. (D. B.) DANA, who keeps a REAL ghost in his +closet. + + * * * * * + +A. Natural Mistake. + +An advertisement from the establishment of Messrs. A. T. STEWART & Co., +announces, among other things, that they have opened a "MADDER PRINT." + +At first sight we supposed that the firm in question had begun +publishing a paper in opposition to the Sun, and that it was to be, if +possible, a madder print than that luminary, for the purpose of cutting +it out. Further reflection convinced us, however, that the "print" in +question was connected with the subject of dry goods, only. + + * * * * * + +Very Small Beer. + +Newspaper items state that the editor of the Winterset (Iowa,) _Sun_, +is, probably, the smallest editor in the the world." Surely the editor +of the New York Sun must be the one meant. + + * * * * * + +"Well I'm Blowed!" + +As the _omelette soufflée_ said to the cook. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE SARATOGA CONVENTION. + +_Horace Greeley, (to Roscoe Conkling.)_ "DON'T BE RASH, NOW REMEMBER +THAT A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH." + +_Roscoe Conkling_. "LET US HAVE PEACE, BY ALL MEANS: BUT IF THAT FELLOW +REUBE FENTON INTERFERES WITH ME, HE HAD BETTER LOOK OUT THAT I DON'T +SMASH HIS SLATE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON. + +Napoleon I and Napoleon III--Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to Overcome. + +SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, + +_Orgust--, 18-Seventy._ + +FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which I rote to +your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, that maybe +you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as not our +"Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble up your +male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I now take +my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle Rock oyster, +and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same blessin. +Numerous changes have taken place since your _grand invasion_ of German +sile. + +It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save you a long +jerney to fite them. + +Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home for a +little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own country, +and enjoy the fun. + +A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall fiddlin' when +Rome was burnin'. + +While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around you (?) my +advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD: + + "Hang up your fiddle and your bow, + Lay down your shovel and the hoe. + Where the woodbine twineth + There's a place for Unkle LEW, + With UGEENY and little LEWIS for to go." + +The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful. + +It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble Pea-cracker, to see +how you've been lickt. + +You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of your grate +unkle has passed into the hands of some other family. + +The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, altho' I +don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny haint on +any of the war maps. + +I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the program, that +when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as the champion +Black-eyed man of Urope. + +Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle loominary which; +Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his pome of "Shoo-fly." + +It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the Sun has +nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite. + +Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose eclips has been +visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can be seen without +usin' smoked glass. + +I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for Nancy, +that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go. + +When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success. + +Empires--Kingdoms--Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first train and +skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their territory. + +The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, and +commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and sellin' +the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at that, which +may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo Offisers, who, +as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she stabbed Lord Byron, +"are all _honorable_ men." + +Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. scatter a few +buckets of tear drops. + +Said your Unkle: + +"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. I belong, +body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be perpetuated. +You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another +bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer." + +He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and married MARIAR +LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out institootion, employin' his +time walkin' _in solo_ with his hands behind him, gazin' intently on the +toes of his butes, and wonderin' if they was the same ones which had +histed so many roolers off of their thrones. + +In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I understand, +is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness. + +The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but let an old +statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the +Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything." + +Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap to fite +agin. I tried it once. + +A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years since, for a +target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box of sardeens +for refreshments. + +I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve the peece. + +Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few mugs. I +woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul regiment of +Dutch soljers on general trainin' day. + +It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on rather +too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her that I +was boss of the ranch. + +Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the kitchen as +bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th. + +"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her pan of +dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) tode the +mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any more of yer +(hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like a (hic!) man, +in the futer?" + +I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it on a fly +with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my wife I was +in earnest in what I said. + +Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large bag with a +lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could also +distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract for +thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, and +somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes. + +I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips--hair and panterloon buttons +rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close. + +When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company had been +usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's eye. + +I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck agin +Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. WARD +BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had got +in. + +When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro. + +Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I think I can +get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your $115.00 a month, +provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew. + +This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities of the +world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything cold in apt +to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk. + +Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern wisdom by +cultivatin' my acquaintance--and with kind regards to UGEEN and bub +BONYPART, in your native tung I will say: + +_Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker._ + +Ewer'n, one and onseperable, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bunsby's War Paint. + + Napoleon's chances are not great + If German facts are true; + But if he finds not Paris Green + Hell make the Prussian Blue. + + * * * * * + +Remark by a Bandsman. + +Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but now, +considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it appears to +be superseded by the Off I Glide. + + * * * * * + +The Music of the Future. + +Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way of the +performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few Sure +enough. + + * * * * * + +A Relic of the Past. + +The following item is taken from a daily paper: + +"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the Passy theatre +lately." + +There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is meant for +_passée_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRECOCIOUS. + +LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT +TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +"Well, you know, Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, this is how CHARLEY DANY and me +cum to hev our fallin' out. We was boys together, was CHARLEY and me, +and went to the same school. CHARLEY were a likely lad there; never +given to spilin' the faces of t'other boys nor splashin' mud on their +clothes. Oh! but hasn't he gone back on them good old times. I wouldn't +hev' believed it, CHARLEY, no I wouldn't. + +But, as I was sayin', he were a likely lad; studyin' hard, and often +tellin' me how he would one day come out at the head of the heap, +gradooatin' before the Squire's son, JACK BALDERBACK. Just about this +time I was tuk with the measles, and father died, and SALLIE got +married, and the old woman said to me: + +"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. I never +went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years gone now, +'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he tuk onto +business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how things +went well with him, and how he got up, up, up, till the ladder wasn't +big enough and he couldn't climb no higher. Folks said he was into the +war; but I didn't believe 'em. CHARLEY was a peace man, I knowed that. +Arterwards, howsumever, it cum out that it was the War Office he was +into, and not the war; and says I to myself, "EPHRAIM," says I, "didn't +I tell you so; and tell them so, and war'nt I right? I calkilate they +won't go back no more on what I says about CHARLEY DANY." + +Well, dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, I was one day readin' of your paper, and I +comes onto sumthin' about sumbody, which it was as I spell it, "CHARLES +A. DANA," how he was a cuttin' up shines, and how you was a pokin' fun +and hard things at him. + +I larfed right out. + +"That's smart," says I, "Yes, that's smart; but it ain't onto _my_ +CHARLEY. He ain't stuck up nor nothing of that sort. He is as innocent +as gooseberries, is the CHARLEY DANY I know;" and arterwards I thought +no more about it, till I cum on to New York for to look into the cattle +business, and see how things was shapin for trade this winter. + +I put up to the St. Nikkleas. Well, I allers larf when I think of it. +Here was an Irishman tuk my bag, slung it behind him, and says he to +me--"Foller me, if you please, sir." I follered accordin'. + +I've clumb some pretty tall hills in my day, Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, but that +'ere gettin' up them stairs jest switches the rag off of all on 'em. I +broke down. Then he tuk me to a heister, and landed us next to the roof. +I was too pegged out to wash or fix, so I flung off my cowhides, jumped +onto the bed and slept clean through till next day. In the mornin' I +rigged up, went down stairs, and asked the clerk if he would be kind +enough to pint out to me where I might see CHARLEY DANY. He sort o' +smiled like, and said I would find him at the _Sun_ office. I paid two +dollars for a kab to take me down, which it did till we stopped afore a +big yaller house, with a big board stuck up agin it havin' these words: + + +--------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "EXTRA SUN!!! | + | | + | ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL. | + | FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES. | + | INTERESTING CHAPTER OF FAMILY SECRETS. | + | WHO IS SHE AND WHY DID SHE DO IT? | + | GENERAL GRANT BUYS A SKYE TERRIER! | + | PARTICULARS OF THE SALE!! | + | GENEALOGY OF THE DOG!!! | + | SECRETARY FISH BOBBING FOR SPANISH EELS, | + | HE IS CAUGHT BY THE GILLS. | + | THE MINION OF SPANISH TYRANNY IN DISTRESS. | + | KITCHEN COUNCILS IN FIFTH AVENUE. | + | NOTES BY OUR KEYHOLE REPORTER. | + | BABY FOUND IN THE PRIVATE OFFICE OF A | + | LEADING EDITOR. | + | WHOSE IS IT AND HOW DID IT COME THERE? | + | INTERESTING DISCLOSURES OF A PROMINENT | + | MERCHANT'S LIFE!!! | + | FOR FULL DETAILS SEE EXTRA SUN, PRICE | + | TWO CENTS!" | + | | + +--------------------------------------------+ + +"Wonder if CHARLEY writ all that 'ere," says I, inwardly, inquirin' of a +boy where Mr. DANY'S particular holdin' out place might be, and givin' +him three cents to show me the way. Drawin' a quick breath, I knocked at +the door. "Come in," says a peskish voice. I cum in, and there, sure +enough, with nose close down to the desk, a writin' away for dear life, +sat CHARLEY. I knowed him to onc't, for all he was a little oldish, and +a little grayish, and had a bare spot like a turtle's back on the top of +his head. My heart cum' a bustin' up into my throat, and an inward voice +seemed to say: + +"Do it now EPHRAIM, do it now, while the feeling is onto you." Jest then +he looked up, and I bust forth: "Oh, CHARLEY! CHARLEY! its a long time +sin' we met, CHARLEY. Don't you know me? Don't you remember little EPH +ECKELS? Oh! CHARLEY, CHARLEY, give us a grip of your knob, old +hunk"--and I slewed over towards him for to shake hands when he suddenly +drawed back, kinder gloomy like, putting down his pen and chewing his +gums sort of swagewise. as he said: + +"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant Secretary +of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at present +Chief Editor of the New York _Sun_, price two cents. There is no +individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old Hunk," and, +as I perceive, sir, that there is a most infernal smell of cow yards +about your raiment, and the effluvia arising thence is becoming +insupportable, I would thank you to get out of this apartment double +quick, and I suggest for the sake of others who may be unfortunately +brought into contact with you, that my friend the Hon. WILLIAM MANHATTAN +TWEED has recently established public baths where such creatures as you +may undergo purification before venturing into the presence of +gentlemen." + +It was CHARLEY who spoke it; Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, there is no doubt about +that; but the CHARLEY that I knew has been dead sin' that day. Yours in +memory-moram, + +EPHRAIM ECKELS. + + * * * * * + +Horrors of War. + +Much has been said about the Prussian "demonstrations" at Strasbourg. If +half what we hear of Prussian vandalism as displayed at the siege of +Strasbourg is true, "Demonstration" is a very appropriate term for the +thing. + + * * * * * + +OLIVE LOGAN. + +We have no authentic record of the date of this fair syren's birth. It +is popularly supposed, however, that she was contemporaneous with +POCAHONTAS. POKY (as she was playfully called by her playmates at +boarding-school) is now dead. LOGY (another playful appellation of the +gushing miss alluded to) is still Olive. + +We do not, however, credit the legend above cited. Also, we do not +credit the equally absurd and unreasonable story that our girlish gusher +is a daughter of a negro preacher named LOGUEN. We look upon this as a +colorless aspersion of our subject's fair fame, and we therefore feel +called upon to politely but furiously hurl it back in the teeth of its +degraded and offensive inventor. Things are come indeed to a pretty pass +when a lady of Miss LOGAN'S position may have her good name blackened +(not to say sooted) by associating it with that of a preacher. Besides, +LOGUEN was himself born in 1800, and is therefore only seventy years +old. These things are not to be borne. + +Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is reliable. We +have our information from the lips of an aunt of the Honorable HORATIUS +GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and wrung the confession +from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, we need not say, is +incapable of telling a lie. + +At the early age of six weeks our illustrious victim made her first +appearance as a public speaker. This was at Faneuil Hall, Boston. She +was supported on that memorable occasion by a young and fascinating lady +by the name of ANTHONY (SUSAN.) SUSIE prophesied then, it will be +remembered, that the fair oratress would yet live to be President of the +United States and Canadas. Miss LOGAN, with her customary modesty, +declined to view the mysterious future in that puerile light, gracefully +suggesting, amid a brilliant outburst of puns, metaphors and amusing +anecdotes, that SUSIE distorted the facts. Miss ANTHONY, under a +mistaken impression that this referred to her peculiar mode of keeping +accounts, offered, with a wild shriek of despair and disgust, to exhibit +her books to an unprejudiced committee of her own sex, with WENDELL +PHILLIPS as chairwoman. (There is manifest inaccuracy in this account, +though, inasmuch as Mr. PHILLIPS was not yet born, at that time; but we +of course give the story as it is related to us by eye-witnesses.) Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, who was in the audience, rose and said that Miss +ANTHONY'S explanation was entirely sufficient, and that she might now +take her seat. The lecturer then proceeded to discuss her subject, +"Girls." She said-- + +However, this is not a newspaper report, is it? + +Soon after this, Louis PHILLIPPE invited Miss LOGAN to visit Paris. He +represented that he should consider it an honor at any time to welcome +the beautiful demoiselle to the palace of the Tuileries. He remarked in +a postscript that his dinner hour was twelve o'clock, noon, sharp, and +that his hired man had instructions to pass Miss LOGAN at any time. +Accordingly, our syren departed hungrily for the capital of the French. +Her career in Paris is well known to every mere ordinary schoolboy: +therefore, wherefore dwell? Madame DE STAEL'S dressmaker called on her. +A committee of strong-minded milliners solicited the honor of her +acquaintance. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN proposed an alliance with her for the +purpose of hurling imperial jackassery from its tottering throne. Other +honors were conferred on her. + +Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more resumed her +career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career has been, +does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in +14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and +California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's +Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, and +lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on the +enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, +before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their +feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated +aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said to +be worth $250. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genna, Corvus.--The Common Crow. + +This Ravenous bird abounds in all temperate regions, and is a fowl of +sober aspect, although a Rogue in Grain. Crows, like time-serving +politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency in the art of +Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical Spoilsmen denounced +by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt the battle-field with +the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a much more certain +method of making themselves acquainted with the Organization of military +Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who Pick the Brains of fugitives +from the field for their information. In time of peace the Crow leads a +comparatively quiet life, and it is no novel thing to see him walking in +the fields devouring with great apparent interest the Yellow-Covered +Cereals. Agriculturists have strong prejudices against the species, and +allege, not without reason, that large Crow Crops indicate diminished +harvests. The most persistent enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, +which attacks it on the wing with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to +show the White Feather. + +This variety of the genus _corvus_ was well known to the ancients. Those +solemn Bores, the Latin augurs, were in the habit of foretelling the +triumph or downfall of the Roman Eagles by the flight of Crows, and St. +PETER was once convicted of three breaches of veracity by a Crow. The +bird has also been the theme of song--the carnivorous exploits of three +of the species having been repeatedly chanted by popular Minstrels. + +A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater--but that's a +fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a Mite for +Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this rapacious +creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human subject, it +relishes the _cheval mort_. During the late war, our government, with +exemplary liberality, purchased thousands of horses to feed the Southern +Crows. The consequence was that our Cavalry Charges were tremendous. + +The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is nevertheless +an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in flocks, and +the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of the Country, +but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. Naturalists do +not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who _can_ eat crow, +but nobody hankers after it. The story of the man who "swallowed three +black crows" lacks confirmation. Looking at the whole tribe from a +Ration-al point of view, however, we have no hesitation in pronouncing +them excellent food--for powder. In this category may be included the +copper-colored Crows on our Western frontier. + + * * * * * + +THE CHURCH MILITANT. + +That Brooklyn is a City of Churches has long been known to people of +average intelligence. The following item, however, taken from a daily +paper, is very suggestive of the old saying, "The nearer the church," +etc. + +"JOHN BEATY bit off WM. HARPER'S face in April last, at a church fight +in Brooklyn, and then went to sea. Last night he came back, and was +arrested by officer Fox, who will take him before Justice WALSH to-day. +HARPER is disfigured for life." + +The matter-of-fact way in which the expression, "a church fight" is used +by the writer of the above item, seems to indicate that tabernacular +conflicts are rather the rule than the exception in "deeply religious" +Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, that theological +controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the extent of "putting +a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears that biting his face +off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER is disfigured for +life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends altogether on what sort +of looking man he was previous to the removal of his features by means +of a dental apparatus. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "STERN PARENT. + +_Daughter_ "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH OF THE CLOSE +OF THE SERMON." + +_Father_. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES OF THE +CONGREGATION."] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR. + +It is with feeling of intense satisfaction and self complacency, that +Mr. PUNCHINELLO submits to his readers the following despatches relative +to the Great Railroad War, which have been collected at a fabulous cost, +by a large corps of reporters and correspondents specially detailed for +the purpose. + +WAR DECLARED! + +ERIE PALACE.--It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has for some +time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the Central, +will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, assisted by +twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in drawing up a +formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The Erie Galop and +FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length portrait of +Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and are +vociferously re-demanded. Every member of the Ninth has been notified to +hold himself in readiness to turn out at fifteen minutes' notice. + +LATER. + +"Erie accepts the war which VANDERBILT proffers her." The "Blonde +Usher," accompanied by an extensive retinue of brother ushers, will bear +the gauge of battle to the Tyrant of the Central. He will cast It boldly +at VANDERBILT'S feet. It is announced that he will proceed to his +destination by way of the Eighth Avenue Car Line. The reply of the +Hudson River potentate is looked forward to with great interest. + +"CENTRAL" REPORTS. + +VANDERBILT received the Declaration of War with seeming calm. On the +departure of the Erie Emissary, however, his fortitude forsook him; he +threw himself on the neck of a baggage porter and wept aloud. At a late +hour this evening a trusted agent left here for the _Tribune_ office. He +is said to have held a long conference with Mr. GREELEY, the particulars +of which have not transpired. It is supposed by many to portend an +alliance, offensive and defensive, between the King of Central and the +Philosopher of Printing-House Square. + +FROM ERIE. + +Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 team went to +the front this morning. They are to be broken into the turmoil of war by +being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court injunction. A +Central spy, who was captured during the day, was immediately tried by +court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from the flag-staff on top +of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy of the _Tribune_ being +tied to his feet, to add force to his fall and curtail his sufferings. +From legal documents found in his possession, the wretched being is +supposed to have been a minion of the law. The Narragansett and Long +Branch boats are being rapidly got ready for active service. Their +armament will consist of Parrott guns of large calibre. FISK says that +VANDERBILT will hear those Parrotts talk. + +DESPATCHES FROM THE CENTRAL. + +VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the Erie forces. +He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure their lives +for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on parting, with a +copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the _Tribune_, which +will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear. + +ADVICES FROM ERIE. + +VICTORY!--By a well executed movement the Narragansett fleet under +command of Admiral Fisk, have succeeded in cutting off the _Tribune's_ +connection with Long Branch. A panic prevails in the _Tribune_ office. +HORACE GREELEY threatens, in retaliation, to lecture on farming along +the route of the Erie Railway, to the ruin of the agricultural interest +of the district. A meeting of prominent farmers has been convened to +protest against this outrage, and a strong body of Erie troops have been +sent to prevent H.G.'s advance. It is proposed, in case of attack, to +illuminate the Erie Palace by means of Colonel FISK'S big diamond, +which, it is estimated, would prove more powerful than a dozen calcium +lights. If this should not be dazzling enough, it is suggested that a +glimpse of the Colonel's $5,000 uniform might have the desired effect. +Amongst the novel instruments of warfare which the contest has given +birth to, is a new ball projected by the Prince of Erie. It will be +given at Long Branch, and will, no doubt, be very effective. + +LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH. + +As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, an elderly +man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of the officers +of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It proved to be the +sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt collar, by means of +which he no doubt hoped to avoid recognition. In his travelling bag was +found a tooth-brush and several copies of the _Tribune_. Upon being +tried and convicted of carrying contraband of war, he was sentenced to +give forthwith his reasons why J. C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be +dismissed from his present office of Assistant Secretary of State. + +FROM SARATOGA. + +The news of Mr. GREELEY'S capture has affected the Commodore to such an +extent as to stretch him on a bed of sickness. JAY GOULD is reported +marching on Saratoga with a strong force. + +LATEST--PEACE! + +Central has capitulated! Erie is victorious! To-day a treaty is drawn up +by which everybody is made happy except Mr. GREELEY, who, it is +stipulated, must feign total ignorance of farming whenever he journeys +by the Erie Railway. + + * * * * * + +The place to look for them. + +_The Sun_, a few days ago, had an editorial article about a reported +theft of a box containing four large boa-constrictors. Might not a +search in the editorial boots disclose the whereabouts of the missing +reptiles? + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | For the accommodation of Strangers have opened | + | A large and elegant assortment of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS, | + | | + | Empress Cloths, | + | | + | SATINS DE CHINE, | + | | + | NEW STYLE CLOAKINGS. | + | | + | Paris and Domestic Made Suits | + | Extremely cheap. | + | | + | Children's elegantly embroidered | + | CLOAKS, DRESSES, INFANTS' ROBES. | + | | + | Paris Novelties in | + | LADIES' BASQUES, SACQUES, &c. | + | | + | A large assortment of | + | Housekeeping Goods, | + | CARPETS AND CURTAIN MATERIALS, | + | EMBROIDERED LACE AND | + | MUSLIN CURTAINS, | + | LADIES' UNDERWEAR AND GENERAL | + | OUTFITTING. | + | HOSIERY. | + | | + | Alexandra's Celebrated Kid Gloves. | + | | + | Splendid quality and New Style | + | Sash Ribbons, Sashes, Neckties, Millinery, and Trimming | + | Ribbons, &c. | + | | + | The above have been received per recent steamers, | + | and will be offered | + | At extremely attractive prices. | + | Strangers visiting our city are respectfully invited | + | to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering, at about one-half the cost of manufacture, | + | a large lot of | + | | + | Children's and Misses' | + | Plain, Chine and Plaid Poplin Suits, | + | | + | Handsomely Trimmed, | + | | + | Suitable for the present Season, $3 each, upwards. | + | | + | Sizes to suit the ages of 3 to 12 years. | + | | + | Also, the balance of their | + | | + | Linen, Lawn, and Barege Suits. | + | | + | At exceedingly low prices. | + | | + | The above specially deserves the attention of those | + | visiting out city. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | have opened a large assortment of | + | | + | PLAIN AND FANCY SILKS, | + | | + | Suitable for Autumn, | + | | + | From $1 per yard upward. | + | | + | Also, a case of | + | Very Rich Satin Brocatelles, | + | | + | The choicest goods manufactured. | + | | + | BONNET'S, PONSON'S AND A. T. STEWART & Co.'s | + | | + | PLAIN BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | The handsomest goods imported. | + | | + | TRIMMINGS, SILKS AND SATINS. | + | | + | In great variety, | + | | + | Cut to suit customers. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: DIVORCES READY MADE. + +_Lawyer_--"A DIVORCE, MADAM?--CERTAINLY, BY ALL MEANS. BOY, GIVE THE +LADY A DIVORCE."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. 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Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for ... | + | $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September +17, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10033 *** diff --git a/10033-h/10033-h.htm b/10033-h/10033-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f27a97f --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/10033-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1995 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 25.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10033 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img src="images/01a.jpg" alt=" CARBOLIC SALVE"> + <p><b>Recommended by Physicians.</b></p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS.<br> +SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PRICE 25 CENTS.</small></p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor,<br> +No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 25.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>FOLEY'S<br> + <big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: normal;">THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</span><br> +256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">$2<br> + </span></big></big> <span style="font-weight: bold;">to ALBANY +and TROY.</span></big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew,</b> +commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry +Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to +Troy</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.<br> +WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R.</small></p> + <p> NICHOLS, M.D.<br> +WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</big></p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>HOME LIFE</b>,<b><br> +The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>.</p> + <p>$1.00 Per Year.</p> + <p><i>Journal and Punchinello<br> +(without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY<br> + Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,</p> + <p><b>150 CONGRESS STREET,<br> +BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by +the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</p> + <p>CHAPTER XVIII</p> + <p>A SUBTLE STRANGER.</p> + <p>The latest transient guest at the Roach House—a hotel kept on +the entomological plan in Bumsteadville—was a gentleman of such lurid +aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be. +His enormous head of curled red hair not only presented a central +parting on top and a very much one-sided parting and puffing-out +behind, but actually covered both his ears; while his ruddy semi-circle +of beard curled inward, instead of out, and greatly surprised, if it +did not positively alarm, the looker-on, by appearing to remain +perfectly motionless, no matter how actively the stranger moved his +jaws. This ball of improbable inflammatory hair and totally independent +face rested in a basin of shirt collar; which, in its turn, was +supported by a rusty black necktie and a very loose suit of gritty +alpaca; so that, taking the gentleman for all in all, such an +incredible human being had rarely been seen outside of literary circles.</p> + <p>"Landlord," said the stranger to the brown linen host of the +Roach House, who was intently gazing at him with the appreciative +expression of one who beholds a comic ghost,—"landlord, after you have +finished looking at my head and involuntarily opening your mouth at +some occasional peculiarity of my whiskers, I should like to have +something to eat. As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this +year, and that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of +Health in consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork +and beans, and some crackers. Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for +I'm uncommon fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in +the head, they clear the brain and make it more subtle."</p> + <p>Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had +ordered, together with a glass of the heady native wine called +applejack, the gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its +bed in the beans, when, with much interest, he closely inspected the +spot of vegetables he had uncovered, and expressed the belief that +there was something alive in it.</p> + <p>"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst +these beans that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move."</p> + <p>Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which +gave him an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the +landlord bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched the +beans, and thoughtfully scrutinized the living raisin.</p> + <p>"As I thought, sir, it is only a water-bug," he observed, +rescuing the insect upon his thumb-nail. "You need not have been +frightened, however, for they never bite."</p> + <p>Somewhat reassured, the stranger went on eating until his +knife encountered resistance in the secondary layer of beans; when he +once more inspected the dish, with marked agitation.</p> + <p>"Can this be a skewer, down here?" inquired he, prodding at +some hard, springy object with his fork.</p> + <p>The host of the Roach House bore both fork and object to a +window, where the light was less deceptive, and was presently able to +announce confidently that the object was only a hair-pin. Then, +observing that his guest looked curiously at a cracker, which, from the +gravelly marks on one side, seemed to have been dug out of the earth, +like a potato, he hastened to obviate all complaint in that line by +carefully wiping every individual cracker with his pocket handkerchief.</p> + <p>"And now, landlord," said the stranger, at last, pulling a +couple of long, unidentified hairs from his mouth as he hurriedly +retired from the meal, "I suppose you are wondering who I am?"</p> + <p>"Well, sir," was the frank answer, "I can't deny that there +are points about you to make a plain man like myself thoughtful. +There's that about your hair, sir, with the middle-parting on top and +the side-parting behind, to give a plain person the impression that +your brain must be slightly turned, and that, by rights, your face +ought to be where your neck is. Neither can I deny, sir, that the +curling of your whiskers the wrong way, and their peculiarity in +remaining entirely still while your mouth is going, are circumstances +calculated to excite the liveliest apprehensions of those who wish you +well."</p> + <p>"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may +either exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result +of my own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a +few weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea +where a dead-beat,<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a> +like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in Bumsteadville?"</p> + <p>The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork +and beans was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a +Mrs. SMYTHE, wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took +hash-eaters for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church +private boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had +to do was to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he +found the place.</p> + <p>Donning his Panama hat, and carrying a stout cane, Mr. CLEWS +was quickly upon the turnpike; and, his course taking him near the +pauper burial-ground, he presently perceived an extremely disagreeable +child throwing stones at pigeons in a field, and generally hitting the +beholder.</p> + <p>"You young Alderman! what do you mean?" he exclaimed, with +marked feeling, rubbing the place on his knee which had just been +struck.</p> + <p>"Then just give me a five-cent stamp to aim at yer, and yer +won't ketch it onc't," replied the boyish trifler. "I couldn't hit what +I was to fire at if it was my own daddy."</p> + <p>"Here are ten cents, then," said the gentleman, wildly dodging +the last shot at a distant pigeon, "and now show me where Mrs. SMYTHE +lives.</p> + <p>"All right, old brick-top," assented the merry sprite, with a +vivacious dash of personality. "D'yer see that house as yer skoot past +the Church and round the corner?"</p> + <p>"Yes."</p> + <p>"Well, that's SMYTHE'S, and BUMSTEAD lives there, too—him as +is always tryin' to put a head on me. I'll play my points on him yet, +though. <i>I'll</i> play my points!" And the rather vulgar young +chronic absentee from Sunday-school retired to a proper distance, and +from thence began stoning his benefactor to the latter's perfect safety.</p> + <p>Reaching the boarding-house of Mrs. SMYTHE, as directed, Mr. +TRACEY CLEWS soon learned from the lady that he could have a room next +to the apartment of Mr. BUMSTEAD, to whom he was referred for further +recommendation of the establishment. Though that broken-hearted +gentleman was mourning the loss of a beloved umbrella, accompanied by a +nephew, and having a bone handle, Mrs. SMYTHE was sure he would speak a +good word for her house. Perhaps Mr. CLEWS had heard of his loss?</p> + <p>Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but +had a confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, +at various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must +make such a loss still heavier.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took +place, and having Judge SWEENEY for company over a bowl of lemon tea, +the new boarder lifted his hat politely to both dignitaries, and +involuntarily smacked his lips at the mixture they were taking for +their coughs.</p> + <p>"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, in a manner +almost stealthy; "but, as I am about to take summer board with the lady +of this house, I beg leave to inquire if she and the man she married +are strictly moral except in having cold dinner on Sunday?"</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, who sat very limply in his chair, said that she +was a very good woman, a very good woman, and would spare no pains to +secure the comfort of such a head of hair as he then saw before him.</p> + <p>"This is my dear friend, Judge SWEENEY," continued the +Ritualistic organist, languidly waving a spoon towards that gentleman, +"who has a very good wife in the grave, and knows much more about women +and gravy than I. As for me," exclaimed Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly climbing +upon the arm of his chair and staring at Mr. CLEW'S head rather wildly, +"my only bride was of black alpaca, with a brass ferrule, and I can +never care for the sex again." Here Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes had been +rolling in an extraordinary manner, tumbled into his chair again, and +then, frowning intensely, helped himself to lemon tea.</p> + <p>"I am referred to your Honor for further particulars," +observed Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound +our friend further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if +Bumsteadville contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like +myself?"</p> + <p>"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could +show you a tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph +upon my late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help +enjoying it."</p> + <p>Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never +been a married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the +literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat.</p> + <p>"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and +more struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair and +beard.</p> + <p>"His Honor flatters me too much."</p> + <p>"Something in the lunatic line, then, perhaps?"</p> + <p>"I have told your Honor that I never was married."</p> + <p>Since last speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD had been staring at the new +boarder's head and face, with a countenance expressive of mingled +consternation and wrath, and now made a startling rush at him from his +chair and fairly forced half a glass of lemon tea down his throat.</p> + <p>"There, sir!" said the mourning organist, panting with +suppressed excitement. "That will keep you from taking cold until you +can be walked up and down in the open air long enough to get your hair +and beard sober. They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your +head has fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they +belonged to somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my +present state of mind I can't bear it."</p> + <p>Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty +dismissal, Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in +precipitate haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, +that the gentleman they had just left had surprised him +unprecedentedly, and that he was very much put out by it.</p> + <p>"Mr. JOHN BUMSTEAD, sir," explained the Judge, "is almost +beside himself at the double loss he has sustained, and I think that +the sight of your cane, there, maddened him with the memory it revived."</p> + <p>"Why," exclaimed the gentleman of the hair, staring in wonder, +"you don't mean to tell me that my cane looks at all like his nephew?"</p> + <p>"It looks a little like the stick of his umbrella, which he +lost at the same time," was the grave answer.</p> + <p>After walking on in thoughtful silence for a while, as though +deeply pondering the striking character of a man whose great nature +could thus at once unite the bereaved uncle with the sincere mourner +for the dumb friend of his rainier days, Mr. TRACEY CLEWS asked whether +suspicion yet pointed to any one?</p> + <p>Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a +certain person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in +sufficient amount to justify the exertions of police officials having +families to support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as +it was not exactly certain that the abstraction of an umbrella by +unknown parties would justify the criminal prosecution of a person for +having in his possession an Indian Club:—in view of all these +complicated circumstances, the law did not feel itself authorized to +execute any assassin at present.</p> + <p>"And here we are, sir, at last, near our Ritualistic Church," +continued Judge SWEENEY, "where we stand up for the Rite so much that +strangers sometimes complain of it as fatiguing. Upon that monument +yonder, in the graveyard, you may find the epitaph I have mentioned. +What is more, here comes a rather interesting local character of ours, +who cut the inscription and put up the monument."</p> + <p>Mr. MCLAUGHLIN came shuffling up the road as he spoke, +followed in the distance by the inevitable SMALLEY and a shower of +promiscuous stones.</p> + <p>"Here, you boy!" roared Judge SWEENEY, beckoning the amiable +child to him with a bit of small money, "aim at <i>all</i> of us—do +you hear?—and see that you don't hit any windows. And now, MCLAUGHLIN, +how do you do? Here is a gentleman spending the summer with us, who +would like to know you."</p> + <p>Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to +him, with undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the +gentleman would come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle +with him, he would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way +of a further acquaintance.</p> + <p>"I shall certainly call upon you," assented Mr. CLEWS, "if our +young friend, the stone-thrower, will accept a trifle to show me the +way."</p> + <p>Before retiring to his bed that night, the same Mr. TRACEY +CLEWS took off his hair and beard, examined them closely, and then +broke into a strange smile. "No wonder they all looked at me so!" he +soliloquized, "for I did have my locks on the topside backmost, and my +whiskers turned the wrong way. However, for a dead-beat, with all his +imperfections on his head, I've formed a pretty large acquaintance for +one day."<a name="FNanchor2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2"><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a></p> + <blockquote> "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its +nearest native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, +variously, according to circumstances, a successful American +politician; a wife's male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a +newspaper, a New York detective policeman; any person who is uncommonly +pleasant with people, while never asking them to take anything with +him; a pious boarder; a French revolutionist. </blockquote> + <p><a name="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor2">[2]</a></p> + <blockquote> In both conception and execution, the original of +the above Chapter, in Mr. DICKENS's work, is, perhaps, the least +felicitous page of fiction ever penned by the great novelist; and, as +this Adaptation is in no wise intended as a burlesque, or caricature, +of the <i>style</i> at the original, (but rather as a conscientious +imitation of it, so far as practicable,) the Adapter has not allowed +himself that license of humor which, in the most comically effective +treatment of said Chapter, might bear the appearance of such an +intention. </blockquote> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/04.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE"> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Patchouli.</i>—What is the substance which enables flies to +adhere to the ceiling? <i>Answer.</i>—Ceiling wax.</p> + <p><i>Rosalie.</i>—What is the meaning of the term "suspended +animation?" <i>Answer.</i>—If you remain at any fashionable +watering-place after the close of the season you'll find out.</p> + <p><i>Zanesvillian.</i>—Your pronunciation of the French word <i>bois</i> +is incorrect, else you could not have fallen into the blunder of +supposing that the Bois de Boulogne and the Bois de Vincennes are <i>gamins</i> +of Paris.</p> + <p><i>Blunderbore.</i>—Your suggestion is ingenious, but the +refined sentiment of cruelty revealed in it is deserving of the +severest censure. It is true that the introduction of German cookery +into France by the Prussians, as you propose, would in a short time +decimate the population, but what a fearful precedent it would be! You +can best realize it by imagining Massachusetts cookery introduced into +New York, and the consequent desolation of her purliens.</p> + <p><i>Mrs. Gamp.</i>—No; neither the French nor the Prussians are +armed with air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those +distracting war reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so +conspicuously.</p> + <p><i>R.G.W.</i>—What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which +occurs in the Shaksperean drama? <i>Answer.</i>—Some trace it to Ben +Zine, an inflammable friend of "ancient Pistol's." It is far more +probable, however, that the word was originally written "Bazainian," +and was merely prophetic of the well-known epithet now bestowed by +Prussian soldiers on the French troops serving under BAZAINE.</p> + <p><i>Earl Russel</i>—In reply to your question as to whether the +thumb nail of HOGARTH on which he made his traditional sketch of a +drunken man, is now in an American collection, we can only state that, +of course, it once formed a leading object of interest in BARNUM'S +Museum. As that building was destroyed by fire in 1865, however, it is +to be presumed that the HOGARTH nail perished with all the other nails, +or was sold with them, as "junk."</p> + <p><i>Invalid.</i>—To regain strength you should take means to +increase the amount of iron in your blood. Bark will do it, which +accounts for the fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of +iron. Here in New York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood +is to have a knife run into you by the hand of an assassin; but this is +not considered favorable to longevity.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE ROMANCE OF A RICH YOUNG MAN.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/05.jpg" align="left" alt="I">t happened, once +upon a time, that there was a great city, and that city, being devoid +of a sensation, yearned for a great man. Then the wise men of the city +began to look around, when lo! there entered through the gates of the +city a certain peddler from a foreign country, which is called Yankee +Land, and behold! the great man was found. He dealt in shekels and +stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became like unto a golden +calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and worshipped him. Now it +happened that at first, like all great men, he was misunderstood, and +the people ascribed his success to his partner, so that everybody said,</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The +name is but the guinea's stamp,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The man's a GOULD for all that;</span> + </div> + <p>but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name +of JEAMES PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth.</p> + <p>Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called +DEDREW, who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad +corporation called the Eareye, because, while it was much in +everybody's ear, no one could see anything of it or its dividends. So +JEAMES PHYSKE went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your +servant is as full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray +you, your chief adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW +smiled upon him, as he is wont to do, and finding that he was a +stranger, he took him in, and knowing that all were fish which came +unto his net, he straightway put him in the high places in Eareye, +saying unto himself, "I will take this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE +sat high in Eareye. But it came to pass very soon thereafter, that +DEDREW and PHYSKE fell out, some say about the division of the spoils +which they had taken from the enemy, which, being interpreted, is the +people, while others do state that DEDREW attempted to cut the wool +from PHYSKE, but that it stuck so tightly that PHYSKE caught him. +Anyhow, it came to pass, very soon, that DEDREW was sitting on the +outside steps of Eareye, and PHYSKE was sitting on DEDREW'S throne.</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did +multiply it manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it +happened that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion +on the street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have +foreign singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is +called the fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big +fiddle, and upon sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and +upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE looked upon the mansion, and +it seemed good in his eyes, and he said unto PYKE, "Sell me now your +mansion." And PYKE did sell unto him the mansion, and the foreign +singers and dancers, and the players upon the violin, which is called +the fiddle, and the players upon the big fiddle, and the players upon +the drums, and the players upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE +forthwith built himself a throne there, and did make the mansion the +palace of Eareye. And he would sit upon his throne and view the foreign +singers and dancers, and the players upon divers instruments, and would +much applaud, when his foreign dancers did dance a certain dance, +wherein the toe is placed upon the forehead, and which is called the <i>cancan</i>. +And all the people came and worshipped him, him and his foreign singers +and dancers, and players upon divers instruments, and his great +diamond. And PHYSKE was called Prince Eareye.</p> + <p>Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the +ocean; so he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to +the foreign land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a +goodly number of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy +him a coat of many colors, and did stand upon the landing place, which +is called the dock, and the players upon divers instruments did play, +"Hail to the Chief," and all the people did shout, "Hurrah for Admiral +PHYSKE, Prince of Eareye!" for he was of a noble stature, being four +hands wider than his fellows.</p> + <p>Now it came to pass that divers envious persons did institute +certain troublesome actions, which are called suits, against him, and +did endeavor to drive him from the land, but PHYSKE took a field and +went before a barnyard, and did rout these envious persons, and did +smite them on the hip, which, being interpreted, is that he dismissed +their suits, and did smite them on the thigh, which, being interpreted, +is, did make them pay costs. But the field and the barnyard were much +employed.</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in +shekels, and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us +whether those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, +nay, let us buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers +persons, dealers in shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and +were all of one accord. Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto +him nay, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons did buy much gold. Now +it happened that those in high places did sell gold, and PHYSKE and the +divers other persons were sore afraid, and did fall upon each other's +necks and did weep. But PHYSKE straightway recovered and said unto +them, "Lo, if I do murder and the doctor say that I was insane, am I +not forthwith discharged?" and they said unto him, "It is even so." +Then said he unto them, "Let us send our broker into the board, so that +he shall act like an insane man, and can we be held for an insane man's +purchases?" And they were filled with great rejoicing. And the broker +did go into the board, and did act like an insane man, and PHYSKE and +divers other persons did retain their shekels. And it was Friday when +they did these things, and when they had done them they laughed until +they were black in their faces, and the day—is it not called Black +Friday?</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other +roads, and waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was +much interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for +all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings—can they +not be found in the pages of "It shines for all," which, being +interpreted, is the Moon, and are they not preserved there for two +centuries?</p> + <p>And then it came to pass that PHYSKE sat himself down and +sighed because there were no more worlds to conquer. But straightway he +resolved to become a Colonel. So certain persons endeavored to make him +commander of the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, +which is Brains, ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers +said unto each other, "Is it not better that we should have body than +brains, and had we not better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So +they deposed Brains and chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. +And he straightway submitted them to twelve temptations. Now it +happened, that, as he was marching at the head of his soldiers in the +place wherein these twelve temptations are kept, a certain servant of +one Mammon did serve upon him a paper, which is called a summons, and +did command him to pay for his butter. At which PHYSKE was much enraged +and did wax wroth. And thereupon he did march and countermarch his +soldiers many times. And he ordered another coat of many colors, and +lo! in all Chatham Street there was not cloth enough to make it, so +they brought it from a foreign land. And it came to pass that he and +the centurion, which is Brains—for should not body and brains work +together?—did march the soldiers down the street which is called +Broadway, and did take them to the Branch which is called Long, and +there did divers curious things, all which are they not found in the +paper, "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon?</p> + <p>Now it happened that one HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, +did fall upon PHYSKE and did berate him in a paper, which is called the + <i>Try Buin</i>. And PHYSKE became very wroth and did stop the +sale of the paper, which is called the <i>Try Buin</i>, upon his +roads. And HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did +fall straightway upon his knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has +sinned! I pray thee forgive him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," +which, being interpreted, is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch +you at it again."</p> + <p>And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but +are they not written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines +for all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who +runs, read them there?</p> + <p>LOT.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>From the Spirit of Lindley Murray.</b></p> + <p>When is a schoolboy like an event that has happened? When he +has come to parse.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacations</b>.</p> + <p>Vain heading! This paper is not intended to communicate +anything about a vacation. "Would that it were! says Mr. PUNCHINELLO, +from the bottom of his heart.</p> + <p>Last week Mr. P. intended going to the White Mountains.</p> + <p>But he didn't go.</p> + <p>On his way to the Twenty-third Street depot, he met the Count +JOANNES.</p> + <p>"Ah ha! my noble friend!" said the latter. ""Whither away"?"</p> + <p>Mr. P. explained whither he was away; and was amazed to see +the singular expression which instantly spread itself over the +countenance of his noble friend.</p> + <p>"To the "White Mountains!"cried the Count," why, my good +fellow, what are you thinking of? Do you not know that this is +September?"</p> + <p>"Certainly I do,"said Mr. P." I know that this is the season +when Nature revels in her richest hues, and Aurora gilds the fairest +landscape; when the rays of glorious old Sol are tempered by the soft +caresses of the balmiest zephyrs, and—"</p> + <p>"Oh, certainly! certainly!" cried the Count, "I have no doubt +of it; not the least bit in the world. In fact, I have been in those +places myself when a boy, and I know all about it. But let me tell you, +sir, as <i>amicus curiae</i>, (and I assure you that I have often been + <i>amicus curiae</i> before,) that society will not tolerate +anything of this kind on your part, sir. The skies in the country may +be bluest at this season, sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most +gorgeous, and accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, +but it will not do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a +manner to society, and society will never forgive him for going into +the country after the season is over. As <i>amicus curiae</i>—"</p> + <p>"<i>Amicus</i> your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does +society know about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for +enjoying them?"</p> + <p>"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing +his sword a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again +with: clanging sound. "And representing society, as I do in my proper +person here, sir, I say that any man who would go into the country in +the latter part of September is a---"</p> + <p>"A what, sir?" said Mr. P., nervously fingering his umbrella.</p> + <img src="images/06a.jpg" align="right" alt=""> + <p>"Yes, sir, he is, sir!"</p> + <p>"Do you say that, sir?"</p> + <p>"In your teeth, sir!"</p> + <p>"'Tis false, sir!"</p> + <p>"What, sir?"</p> + <p>"Just so, sir!"</p> + <p>"To me, sir?"</p> + <p>"To you, sir!"</p> + <p>The Count JOANNES drew his sword.</p> + <p>Mr. P. stood <i>en garde</i>.</p> + <p>Just at this moment the Greenwich Street Cordwainers' Target +Association, preceded by one half the whole body of Metropolitan +Police, approached the spot. The Target Society were out on a street +parade, and the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all +vehicles and foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the +business of a great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and +melancholy little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing +their utter ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of +firearms.</p> + <p>Perceiving this vast body of police, with Superintendent +JOURDAN at its head, advancing with measured tread upon them, the Count +sheathed his sword and Mr. P. shut up his deadly weapon.</p> + <p>Slowly and in opposite directions they withdrew from the +ground.</p> + <p>It was too late for Mr. P.'s train, and he returned to his +home. There, in the solitude of his private apartments, he came to the +conclusion that it would be useless to oppose the decrees of Society. +The idea that the Count, that worthy leader of the metropolitan <i>ton</i>, +had put into his head, was not to be treated contemptuously. He must +give up all the fruity richness of September, the royal glories of +October, and the delicious hazes of the Indian Summer, pack away his +fish-hooks and his pocket-flask, and stay in the city like the rest of +the fools.</p> + <img src="images/06b.jpg" align="left" alt=""> + <p>This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from +dreaming. He had a delightful dream that night, in which he found +himself sailing on Lake George; ascending Mount Washington; and +participating in the revelry of a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of +Kings and Queens and Suffolk Counties. As nearly as circumstances will +permit, he has endeavored to give an idea of his dream by means of the +following sketch.</p> + <p>Taken as a whole, Mr. P. is not desirous that this dream +should come true, but taken in parts he would have no objections to see +it fulfilled as soon as Society will permit.</p> + <p>Which will be, he supposes, about next July.</p> + <p>In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have +depended entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who +will now be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort +to go to some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the +fashionable season is over,—that is, if they think they can brave the +opinion of society. It may not be so pleasant to go to these places as +to read Mr. P.'s accounts of them, but it is the best that can be done.</p> + <p>The following little tail-piece will give a forcible idea of +how completely Mr. P. has given up, for the season, his field sports +and country pleasures. Copies may be obtained by placing a piece of +tracing-paper over the picture and following the lines with a +lead-pencil.</p> + <br> + <center> <img src="images/06c.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE</b>.</p> + <p>CANTO VI.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY +was a Welshman,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY was a thief,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">TAFFY came to my house and +stole a piece of beef.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I went to TAFFY'S house,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY wasn't at home,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">TAFFY came to my house and +stole a mutton bone.</span> </div> + <p>It is not often that a poet descends to the discussion of +mundane affairs. His sphere of usefulness, oftentimes usefulness to +himself, only, lies among the roseate clouds of the morn, or the +spiritual essences of the cerulean regions, but, like other human +beings, he cannot live on the zephyr breeze, or on the moonbeams +flitting o'er the rippling stream. Such ethereal food is highly +unproductive of adipose tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any +other man. And our poet is no exception to the rule, for he well knew +that good digestible poetry can't be written on an empty stomach.</p> + <p>It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize +every opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so +happy as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers +tending to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself +perform.</p> + <p>But with our poet—and we have been exceptional in our +choice—he has always been backward in coming forward, and it was not +until he was touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make +himself heard, when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few +ills which flesh is heir to.</p> + <p>The opportune moment arrived.</p> + <p>He had been out since early dawn, gathering the dew from the +sweet-scented flower, or painting in liquid vowels the pleasant +calmness of the cow-pasture, or mayhap echoing with hie pencil's point +the well-noted strains of the Shanghai rooster, when the far-off +distant bell announced to him that he must finish his poetic pabulum, +and hurry home to something more in accordance with the science of +modern cookery.</p> + <p>He arrived and found his household in tumult. "Who's been here +since I've been gone?" sang he, in pathetic tones. And he heard in +mournful accents the answer, "TAFFY."</p> + <p>Could anything more melancholy have befallen our poet? He +could remember in childhood's merry days the old candy-woman, with her +plentiful store of brown sweetness long drawn out; and how himself and +companions spent many a pleasant hour teasing their little teeth with +the delicate morsels. Now his childhood's dreams vanished. He +remembered that</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"TAFFY +was a Welshman."</span> </div> + <p>And then, after a careful scrutiny of the larder, assisted by +the gratuitous services of his ever faithful feline friend, THOMAS, he +found the extent of his loss.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"TAFFY was a thief,"</span> </div> + <p>he now gave vent to passion, while anguish rent his soul. +TAFFY had been here, and made good his coming, although the good was +entirely on TAFFY'S side, for he walked off again with a piece of beef, +and was, even at this very moment, smacking his chops over its tender +fibres.</p> + <p>All his respect for TAFFY now vanished like the misty cloud +before the rays of the morning sun. He buckled on the armor of his +strength, departed for TAFFY'S house, determined to wreak his vengeance +thereon, and scatter TAFFY, limb for limb, throughout his own +corn-field. "Woe, woe to TAFFY," he muttered between his clenched +teeth. "I will make mincemeat of him; I will enclose him in sausage +skins, and will send him to that good man, KI YI SAMPSON."</p> + <p>Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at +TAFFY'S house, he was informed, with mocking smiles.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"TAFFY wasn't at home."</span> </div> + <p>Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.—All +dashed to the ground by one foul scathing blow.</p> + <p>But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you +waited, but we will tell you now. TAFFY liked beef; liked it as no +other human liked it, for he could eat it raw. And when, foraging +around the village, he found a nice piece at the poet's house, his +carnivorous proclivities induced him to steal it, and, with it under +his arm, hurried off to the nearest barn, and there rapidly devoured +it. This only seemed to give him an appetite. He went foraging again, +but this time only picked up a mutton-bone. "The nearer the bone, the +sweeter the meat," cried TAFFY, and with a flourish he hastened to his +hiding place, while the poor poet, disconsolate in his first loss, +returned home only to find a second; and the culprit was still free.</p> + <p>Ah! my kind reader, here was a deep cut to our poet. "Who +would care for mother now?" he sang, for all the meat was gone. Home +was no longer the dearest spot on earth to him, since it was rudely +desecrated by the hands of TAFFY—of DAVID, the Welshman.</p> + <p>Poor poet! Cruel TAFFY!</p> + <p>Let me draw the curtain of popular sympathy over the unhappy +household. The poet has told his story in words which will never die; +and he has proclaimed the infamy of TAFFY to the uttermost corners of +the earth.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Sweeping Reform</b>.</p> + <p>The world moves. There is a chiropodist now travelling in the +East who removes excrescences of the feet simply by sweeping them away +with a corn broom. When last heard of he was at Alexandria, and there +is no corn in Egypt, now.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR EXPLOSIVES</b>.</p> + <p>What between nitroglycerine, kerosene, and ordinary gas, New +York city has, for years.past, been admirably provided with explosives. +Now we have to add gasoline to the interesting catalogue of +inflammables. What gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, +as it knocked several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days +since, it must be something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have +been safer for Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the +present dearth of public amusements, these jolly explosives—gasoline, +dualine, nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,—come in very well to +create a sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen +keep them in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well +as Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Aggravating</b>.</p> + <p>The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now +announced that the Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Anna-Tom-ical</b>.</p> + <p>"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists +upon it that he still feels pain in the arm and fingers."—(Daily Paper.)</p> + <p>This is strange, certainly, but not more so than the statement +of our young man, TOM, who affirms that, having had his arm around +ANNA'S waist some three weeks ago, he still feels the most bewitching +sensations in that arm. Who can explain these things?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><i style="font-weight: bold;">Prussicos odi, puer, apparatus</i><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,</span>—as old NAP said to young NAP,<br> +when the Teutonic bullets flew about them at Saarbruck.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/07.jpg" alt=""> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT IS +CORRECT, BUT THIS IS PUNCHINELLO'S IDEA OF THE CHASSE POT.</span></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A FACT FROM LAKE SUPERIOR.</b></p> + <p><i>Shipwrecked Cockney</i>.—"I SAY, CAPTAIN, ARE THERE ANY +BEARS ABOUT HERE? I'VE COME PREPARED FOR A LITTLE SPORT, YOU KNOW."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE CHARGE OF THE NINTH BRIGADE</b>.</p> + <p>"Col. FISK, Jr., marched his men up to the Continental +Bar-room this evening and gave them a <i>carte blanche</i> order for +drinks."—<i>Special to morning paper</i>.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half +asleep, half asleep,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half asleep, onward</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the bar-room bright</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Strode the Six Hundred:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Forward the Ninth Brigade!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Charge this to me," he said.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the bar-room, then</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rushed the Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Topers to right of them.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Topers to left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Old sots in front of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Parleyed and wondered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yet into line they fell,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Boldly they drank, and well</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the jaws of each,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the mouth of all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Drinks went, Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Flashed the big diamond there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Flashed as its owner square</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Treated his soldiers there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Charging a bar-room, while</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All the "beats" wondered.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Choked with tobacco smoke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Straight for the door they broke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pushing and rushing,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Reeled from the Bourbon stroke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Shattered and sundered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Thus they went back—they did—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">On the Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whiskey to right of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cocktails to left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Popping corks after them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Volleyed and thundered,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Many a hero fell.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tho' some did stand it well,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Those that were left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Left of Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a bill was paid,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a noise they made,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All Long Branch wondered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a noise they made,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They of the Ninth Brigade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Jolly Six Hundred!</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Sun-burst</b>.</p> + <p>The <i>Sun</i> regretfully announces that PUNCHINELLO is +about to "give up the ghost." PUNCHINELLO begs to assure the Sun that +he doesn't keep a ghost; though, at the same time, the mistake was a +natural one enough to emanate from Mr. C. A. (D. B.) DANA, who keeps a +REAL ghost in his closet.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A. Natural Mistake</b>.</p> + <p>An advertisement from the establishment of Messrs. A. T. +STEWART & Co., announces, among other things, that they have opened +a "MADDER PRINT."</p> + <p>At first sight we supposed that the firm in question had begun +publishing a paper in opposition to the Sun, and that it was to be, if +possible, a madder print than that luminary, for the purpose of cutting +it out. Further reflection convinced us, however, that the "print" in +question was connected with the subject of dry goods, only.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Very Small Beer</b>.</p> + <p>Newspaper items state that the editor of the Winterset (Iowa,) + <i>Sun</i>, is, probably, the smallest editor in the the world." +Surely the editor of the New York Sun must be the one meant.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"Well I'm Blowed!"</b></p> + <p>As the <i>omelette soufflée</i> said to the cook.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>AT THE SARATOGA CONVENTION.</b></p> + <p><i>Horace Greeley, (to Roscoe Conkling.)</i> "DON'T BE RASH, +NOW REMEMBER THAT A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH."</p> + <p><i>Roscoe Conkling</i>. "LET US HAVE PEACE, BY ALL MEANS: BUT +IF THAT FELLOW REUBE FENTON INTERFERES WITH ME, HE HAD BETTER LOOK OUT +THAT I DON'T SMASH HIS SLATE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON.</p> + <p>Napoleon I and Napoleon III—Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to +Overcome.</p> + <p>SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT,</p> + <p><i>Orgust—, 18-Seventy.</i></p> + <p>FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which +I rote to your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, +that maybe you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as +not our "Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble +up your male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I +now take my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle +Rock oyster, and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same +blessin. Numerous changes have taken place since your <i>grand invasion</i> +of German sile.</p> + <p>It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save +you a long jerney to fite them.</p> + <p>Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home +for a little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own +country, and enjoy the fun.</p> + <p>A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall +fiddlin' when Rome was burnin'.</p> + <p>While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around +you (?) my advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Hang +up your fiddle and your bow,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lay down your shovel and the hoe.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where the woodbine twineth</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There's a place for Unkle LEW,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With UGEENY and little LEWIS for +to go."</span> </div> + <p>The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful.</p> + <p>It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble +Pea-cracker, to see how you've been lickt.</p> + <p>You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of +your grate unkle has passed into the hands of some other family.</p> + <p>The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, +altho' I don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny +haint on any of the war maps.</p> + <p>I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the +program, that when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as +the champion Black-eyed man of Urope.</p> + <p>Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle +loominary which; Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his +pome of "Shoo-fly."</p> + <p>It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the +Sun has nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite.</p> + <p>Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose +eclips has been visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can +be seen without usin' smoked glass.</p> + <p>I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for +Nancy, that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go.</p> + <p>When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success.</p> + <p>Empires—Kingdoms—Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first +train and skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their +territory.</p> + <p>The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, +and commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and +sellin' the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at +that, which may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo +Offisers, who, as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she +stabbed Lord Byron, "are all <i>honorable</i> men."</p> + <p>Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. +scatter a few buckets of tear drops.</p> + <p>Said your Unkle:</p> + <p>"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. +I belong, body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be +perpetuated. You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another +bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer."</p> + <p>He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and +married MARIAR LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out +institootion, employin' his time walkin' <i>in solo</i> with his hands +behind him, gazin' intently on the toes of his butes, and wonderin' if +they was the same ones which had histed so many roolers off of their +thrones.</p> + <p>In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I +understand, is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness.</p> + <p>The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but +let an old statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything."</p> + <p>Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap +to fite agin. I tried it once.</p> + <p>A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years +since, for a target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box +of sardeens for refreshments.</p> + <p>I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve +the peece.</p> + <p>Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few +mugs. I woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul +regiment of Dutch soljers on general trainin' day.</p> + <p>It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on +rather too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her +that I was boss of the ranch.</p> + <p>Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the +kitchen as bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th.</p> + <p>"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her +pan of dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) +tode the mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any +more of yer (hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like +a (hic!) man, in the futer?"</p> + <p>I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it +on a fly with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my +wife I was in earnest in what I said.</p> + <p>Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large +bag with a lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could +also distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract +for thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, +and somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes.</p> + <p>I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips—hair and panterloon +buttons rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close.</p> + <p>When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company +had been usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's +eye.</p> + <p>I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck +agin Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. +WARD BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had +got in.</p> + <p>When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro.</p> + <p>Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I +think I can get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your +$115.00 a month, provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew.</p> + <p>This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities +of the world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything +cold in apt to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk.</p> + <p>Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern +wisdom by cultivatin' my acquaintance—and with kind regards to UGEEN +and bub BONYPART, in your native tung I will say:</p> + <p><i>Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker.</i></p> + <p>Ewer'n, one and onseperable,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bunsby's War Paint.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Napoleon's +chances are not great</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If German facts are true;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But if he finds not Paris Green</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hell make the Prussian Blue.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Remark by a Bandsman.</b></p> + <p>Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but +now, considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it +appears to be superseded by the Off I Glide.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Music of the Future.</b></p> + <p>Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way +of the performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few +Sure enough.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Relic of the Past.</b></p> + <p>The following item is taken from a daily paper:</p> + <p>"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the +Passy theatre lately."</p> + <p>There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is +meant for <i>passée</i>.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>PRECOCIOUS.</b></p> + <p>LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY +THE RIGHT TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>"Well, you know, Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, this is how CHARLEY +DANY and me cum to hev our fallin' out. We was boys together, was +CHARLEY and me, and went to the same school. CHARLEY were a likely lad +there; never given to spilin' the faces of t'other boys nor splashin' +mud on their clothes. Oh! but hasn't he gone back on them good old +times. I wouldn't hev' believed it, CHARLEY, no I wouldn't.</p> + <p>But, as I was sayin', he were a likely lad; studyin' hard, and +often tellin' me how he would one day come out at the head of the heap, +gradooatin' before the Squire's son, JACK BALDERBACK. Just about this +time I was tuk with the measles, and father died, and SALLIE got +married, and the old woman said to me:</p> + <p>"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. +I never went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years +gone now, 'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he +tuk onto business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how +things went well with him, and how he got up, up, up, till the ladder +wasn't big enough and he couldn't climb no higher. Folks said he was +into the war; but I didn't believe 'em. CHARLEY was a peace man, I +knowed that. Arterwards, howsumever, it cum out that it was the War +Office he was into, and not the war; and says I to myself, "EPHRAIM," +says I, "didn't I tell you so; and tell them so, and war'nt I right? I +calkilate they won't go back no more on what I says about CHARLEY DANY."</p> + <p>Well, dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, I was one day readin' of your +paper, and I comes onto sumthin' about sumbody, which it was as I spell +it, "CHARLES A. DANA," how he was a cuttin' up shines, and how you was +a pokin' fun and hard things at him.</p> + <p>I larfed right out.</p> + <p>"That's smart," says I, "Yes, that's smart; but it ain't onto <i>my</i> +CHARLEY. He ain't stuck up nor nothing of that sort. He is as innocent +as gooseberries, is the CHARLEY DANY I know;" and arterwards I thought +no more about it, till I cum on to New York for to look into the cattle +business, and see how things was shapin for trade this winter.</p> + <p>I put up to the St. Nikkleas. Well, I allers larf when I think +of it. Here was an Irishman tuk my bag, slung it behind him, and says +he to me—"Foller me, if you please, sir." I follered accordin'.</p> + <p>I've clumb some pretty tall hills in my day, Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, +but that 'ere gettin' up them stairs jest switches the rag off of all +on 'em. I broke down. Then he tuk me to a heister, and landed us next +to the roof. I was too pegged out to wash or fix, so I flung off my +cowhides, jumped onto the bed and slept clean through till next day. In +the mornin' I rigged up, went down stairs, and asked the clerk if he +would be kind enough to pint out to me where I might see CHARLEY DANY. +He sort o' smiled like, and said I would find him at the <i>Sun</i> +office. I paid two dollars for a kab to take me down, which it did till +we stopped afore a big yaller house, with a big board stuck up agin it +havin' these words:</p> + <table border="1" cellpadding="10" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"EXTRA +SUN!!!</span><br> + <br> +ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL.<br> +FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES.<br> +INTERESTING CHAPTER OF FAMILY SECRETS.<br> +WHO IS SHE AND WHY DID SHE DO IT?<br> +GENERAL GRANT BUYS A SKYE TERRIER!<br> +PARTICULARS OF THE SALE!!<br> +GENEALOGY OF THE DOG!!!<br> +SECRETARY FISH BOBBING FOR SPANISH EELS,<br> +HE IS CAUGHT BY THE GILLS.<br> +THE MINION OF SPANISH TYRANNY IN DISTRESS.<br> +KITCHEN COUNCILS IN FIFTH AVENUE.<br> +NOTES BY OUR KEYHOLE REPORTER.<br> +BABY FOUND IN THE PRIVATE OFFICE OF A<br> +LEADING EDITOR.<br> +WHOSE IS IT AND HOW DID IT COME THERE?<br> +INTERESTING DISCLOSURES OF A PROMINENT<br> +MERCHANT'S LIFE!!!<br> +FOR FULL DETAILS SEE EXTRA SUN, PRICE<br> +TWO CENTS!"<br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p>"Wonder if CHARLEY writ all that 'ere," says I, inwardly, +inquirin' of a boy where Mr. DANY'S particular holdin' out place might +be, and givin' him three cents to show me the way. Drawin' a quick +breath, I knocked at the door. "Come in," says a peskish voice. I cum +in, and there, sure enough, with nose close down to the desk, a writin' +away for dear life, sat CHARLEY. I knowed him to onc't, for all he was +a little oldish, and a little grayish, and had a bare spot like a +turtle's back on the top of his head. My heart cum' a bustin' up into +my throat, and an inward voice seemed to say:</p> + <p>"Do it now EPHRAIM, do it now, while the feeling is onto you." +Jest then he looked up, and I bust forth: "Oh, CHARLEY! CHARLEY! its a +long time sin' we met, CHARLEY. Don't you know me? Don't you remember +little EPH ECKELS? Oh! CHARLEY, CHARLEY, give us a grip of your knob, +old hunk"—and I slewed over towards him for to shake hands when he +suddenly drawed back, kinder gloomy like, putting down his pen and +chewing his gums sort of swagewise. as he said:</p> + <p>"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant +Secretary of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at +present Chief Editor of the New York <i>Sun</i>, price two cents. +There is no individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old +Hunk," and, as I perceive, sir, that there is a most infernal smell of +cow yards about your raiment, and the effluvia arising thence is +becoming insupportable, I would thank you to get out of this apartment +double quick, and I suggest for the sake of others who may be +unfortunately brought into contact with you, that my friend the Hon. +WILLIAM MANHATTAN TWEED has recently established public baths where +such creatures as you may undergo purification before venturing into +the presence of gentlemen."</p> + <p>It was CHARLEY who spoke it; Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, there is no +doubt about that; but the CHARLEY that I knew has been dead sin' that +day. Yours in memory-moram,</p> + <p>EPHRAIM ECKELS.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Horrors of War.</b></p> + <p>Much has been said about the Prussian "demonstrations" at +Strasbourg. If half what we hear of Prussian vandalism as displayed at +the siege of Strasbourg is true, "Demonstration" is a very appropriate +term for the thing.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OLIVE LOGAN.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt="W">e have no +authentic record of the date of this fair syren's birth. It is +popularly supposed, however, that she was contemporaneous with +POCAHONTAS. POKY (as she was playfully called by her playmates at +boarding-school) is now dead. LOGY (another playful appellation of the +gushing miss alluded to) is still Olive.</p> + <p>We do not, however, credit the legend above cited. Also, we do +not credit the equally absurd and unreasonable story that our girlish +gusher is a daughter of a negro preacher named LOGUEN. We look upon +this as a colorless aspersion of our subject's fair fame, and we +therefore feel called upon to politely but furiously hurl it back in +the teeth of its degraded and offensive inventor. Things are come +indeed to a pretty pass when a lady of Miss LOGAN'S position may have +her good name blackened (not to say sooted) by associating it with that +of a preacher. Besides, LOGUEN was himself born in 1800, and is +therefore only seventy years old. These things are not to be borne.</p> + <p>Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is +reliable. We have our information from the lips of an aunt of the +Honorable HORATIUS GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and +wrung the confession from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, +we need not say, is incapable of telling a lie.</p> + <p>At the early age of six weeks our illustrious victim made her +first appearance as a public speaker. This was at Faneuil Hall, Boston. +She was supported on that memorable occasion by a young and fascinating +lady by the name of ANTHONY (SUSAN.) SUSIE prophesied then, it will be +remembered, that the fair oratress would yet live to be President of +the United States and Canadas. Miss LOGAN, with her customary modesty, +declined to view the mysterious future in that puerile light, +gracefully suggesting, amid a brilliant outburst of puns, metaphors and +amusing anecdotes, that SUSIE distorted the facts. Miss ANTHONY, under +a mistaken impression that this referred to her peculiar mode of +keeping accounts, offered, with a wild shriek of despair and disgust, +to exhibit her books to an unprejudiced committee of her own sex, with +WENDELL PHILLIPS as chairwoman. (There is manifest inaccuracy in this +account, though, inasmuch as Mr. PHILLIPS was not yet born, at that +time; but we of course give the story as it is related to us by +eye-witnesses.) Mr. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, who was in the audience, rose +and said that Miss ANTHONY'S explanation was entirely sufficient, and +that she might now take her seat. The lecturer then proceeded to +discuss her subject, "Girls." She said—</p> + <p>However, this is not a newspaper report, is it?</p> + <p>Soon after this, Louis PHILLIPPE invited Miss LOGAN to visit +Paris. He represented that he should consider it an honor at any time +to welcome the beautiful demoiselle to the palace of the Tuileries. He +remarked in a postscript that his dinner hour was twelve o'clock, noon, +sharp, and that his hired man had instructions to pass Miss LOGAN at +any time. Accordingly, our syren departed hungrily for the capital of +the French. Her career in Paris is well known to every mere ordinary +schoolboy: therefore, wherefore dwell? Madame DE STAEL'S dressmaker +called on her. A committee of strong-minded milliners solicited the +honor of her acquaintance. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN proposed an alliance +with her for the purpose of hurling imperial jackassery from its +tottering throne. Other honors were conferred on her.</p> + <p>Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more +resumed her career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career +has been, does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in +14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and +California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's +Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, +and lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on +the enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, +before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their +feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated +aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said +to be worth $250.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + <p>Genna, Corvus.—The Common Crow.</p> + <p>This Ravenous bird abounds in all temperate regions, and is a +fowl of sober aspect, although a Rogue in Grain. Crows, like +time-serving politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency +in the art of Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical +Spoilsmen denounced by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt +the battle-field with the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a +much more certain method of making themselves acquainted with the +Organization of military Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who +Pick the Brains of fugitives from the field for their information. In +time of peace the Crow leads a comparatively quiet life, and it is no +novel thing to see him walking in the fields devouring with great +apparent interest the Yellow-Covered Cereals. Agriculturists have +strong prejudices against the species, and allege, not without reason, +that large Crow Crops indicate diminished harvests. The most persistent +enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, which attacks it on the wing +with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to show the White Feather.</p> + <p>This variety of the genus <i>corvus</i> was well known to the +ancients. Those solemn Bores, the Latin augurs, were in the habit of +foretelling the triumph or downfall of the Roman Eagles by the flight +of Crows, and St. PETER was once convicted of three breaches of +veracity by a Crow. The bird has also been the theme of song—the +carnivorous exploits of three of the species having been repeatedly +chanted by popular Minstrels.</p> + <p>A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater—but +that's a fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a +Mite for Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this +rapacious creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human +subject, it relishes the <i>cheval mort</i>. During the late war, our +government, with exemplary liberality, purchased thousands of horses to +feed the Southern Crows. The consequence was that our Cavalry Charges +were tremendous.</p> + <p>The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is +nevertheless an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in +flocks, and the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of +the Country, but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. +Naturalists do not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who + <i>can</i> eat crow, but nobody hankers after it. The story of +the man who "swallowed three black crows" lacks confirmation. Looking +at the whole tribe from a Ration-al point of view, however, we have no +hesitation in pronouncing them excellent food—for powder. In this +category may be included the copper-colored Crows on our Western +frontier.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE CHURCH MILITANT.</b></p> + <p>That Brooklyn is a City of Churches has long been known to +people of average intelligence. The following item, however, taken from +a daily paper, is very suggestive of the old saying, "The nearer the +church," etc.</p> + <p>"JOHN BEATY bit off WM. HARPER'S face in April last, at a +church fight in Brooklyn, and then went to sea. Last night he came +back, and was arrested by officer Fox, who will take him before Justice +WALSH to-day. HARPER is disfigured for life."</p> + <p>The matter-of-fact way in which the expression, "a church +fight" is used by the writer of the above item, seems to indicate that +tabernacular conflicts are rather the rule than the exception in +"deeply religious" Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, +that theological controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the +extent of "putting a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears +that biting his face off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER +is disfigured for life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends +altogether on what sort of looking man he was previous to the removal +of his features by means of a dental apparatus.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/14.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE "STERN PARENT.</b></p> + <p><i>Daughter</i> "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH +OF THE CLOSE OF THE SERMON."</p> + <p><i>Father</i>. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES +OF THE CONGREGATION."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WAR.</b></p> + <p>It is with feeling of intense satisfaction and self +complacency, that Mr. PUNCHINELLO submits to his readers the following +despatches relative to the Great Railroad War, which have been +collected at a fabulous cost, by a large corps of reporters and +correspondents specially detailed for the purpose.</p> + <p>WAR DECLARED!</p> + <p>ERIE PALACE.—It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has +for some time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the +Central, will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, +assisted by twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in +drawing up a formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The +Erie Galop and FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length +portrait of Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and +are vociferously re-demanded. Every member of the Ninth has been +notified to hold himself in readiness to turn out at fifteen minutes' +notice.</p> + <p>LATER.</p> + <p>"Erie accepts the war which VANDERBILT proffers her." The +"Blonde Usher," accompanied by an extensive retinue of brother ushers, +will bear the gauge of battle to the Tyrant of the Central. He will +cast It boldly at VANDERBILT'S feet. It is announced that he will +proceed to his destination by way of the Eighth Avenue Car Line. The +reply of the Hudson River potentate is looked forward to with great +interest.</p> + <p>"CENTRAL" REPORTS.</p> + <p>VANDERBILT received the Declaration of War with seeming calm. +On the departure of the Erie Emissary, however, his fortitude forsook +him; he threw himself on the neck of a baggage porter and wept aloud. +At a late hour this evening a trusted agent left here for the <i>Tribune</i> +office. He is said to have held a long conference with Mr. GREELEY, the +particulars of which have not transpired. It is supposed by many to +portend an alliance, offensive and defensive, between the King of +Central and the Philosopher of Printing-House Square.</p> + <p>FROM ERIE.</p> + <p>Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 +team went to the front this morning. They are to be broken into the +turmoil of war by being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court +injunction. A Central spy, who was captured during the day, was +immediately tried by court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from +the flag-staff on top of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy +of the <i>Tribune</i> being tied to his feet, to add force to his fall +and curtail his sufferings. From legal documents found in his +possession, the wretched being is supposed to have been a minion of the +law. The Narragansett and Long Branch boats are being rapidly got ready +for active service. Their armament will consist of Parrott guns of +large calibre. FISK says that VANDERBILT will hear those Parrotts talk.</p> + <p>DESPATCHES FROM THE CENTRAL.</p> + <p>VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the +Erie forces. He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure +their lives for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on +parting, with a copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the <i>Tribune</i>, +which will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear.</p> + <p>ADVICES FROM ERIE.</p> + <p>VICTORY!—By a well executed movement the Narragansett fleet +under command of Admiral Fisk, have succeeded in cutting off the <i>Tribune's</i> +connection with Long Branch. A panic prevails in the <i>Tribune</i> +office. HORACE GREELEY threatens, in retaliation, to lecture on farming +along the route of the Erie Railway, to the ruin of the agricultural +interest of the district. A meeting of prominent farmers has been +convened to protest against this outrage, and a strong body of Erie +troops have been sent to prevent H.G.'s advance. It is proposed, in +case of attack, to illuminate the Erie Palace by means of Colonel +FISK'S big diamond, which, it is estimated, would prove more powerful +than a dozen calcium lights. If this should not be dazzling enough, it +is suggested that a glimpse of the Colonel's $5,000 uniform might have +the desired effect. Amongst the novel instruments of warfare which the +contest has given birth to, is a new ball projected by the Prince of +Erie. It will be given at Long Branch, and will, no doubt, be very +effective.</p> + <p>LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH.</p> + <p>As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, +an elderly man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of +the officers of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It +proved to be the sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt +collar, by means of which he no doubt hoped to avoid recognition. In +his travelling bag was found a tooth-brush and several copies of the <i>Tribune</i>. +Upon being tried and convicted of carrying contraband of war, he was +sentenced to give forthwith his reasons why J. C. BANCROFT DAVIS should +not be dismissed from his present office of Assistant Secretary of +State.</p> + <p>FROM SARATOGA.</p> + <p>The news of Mr. GREELEY'S capture has affected the Commodore +to such an extent as to stretch him on a bed of sickness. JAY GOULD is +reported marching on Saratoga with a strong force.</p> + <p>LATEST—PEACE!</p> + <p>Central has capitulated! Erie is victorious! To-day a treaty +is drawn up by which everybody is made happy except Mr. GREELEY, who, +it is stipulated, must feign total ignorance of farming whenever he +journeys by the Erie Railway.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>The place to look for them</b>.</p> + <p><i>The Sun</i>, a few days ago, had an editorial article about +a reported theft of a box containing four large boa-constrictors. Might +not a search in the editorial boots disclose the whereabouts of the +missing reptiles?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>For the accommodation of Strangers have opened A large +and elegant assortment of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">DRESS GOODS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SILKS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Empress Cloths,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SATINS DE CHINE,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW STYLE CLOAKINGS.</p> + <p><small>Paris and Domestic Made<br> +Suits Extremely cheap.</small></p> + <p>Children's elegantly embroidered <span + style="font-weight: bold;">CLOAKS, DRESSES, INFANTS' ROBES.</span></p> + <p>Paris Novelties in LADIES' BASQUES, SACQUES, &c.</p> + <p>A large assortment of Housekeeping Goods, CARPETS AND CURTAIN +MATERIALS, EMBROIDERED LACE AND MUSLIN CURTAINS, LADIES' UNDERWEAR AND +GENERAL OUTFITTING. HOSIERY.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Alexandra's Celebrated Kid Gloves.</p> + <p>Splendid quality and New Style Sash Ribbons, Sashes, Neckties, +Millinery, and Trimming Ribbons, &c.</p> + <p><small>The above have been received per recent steamers, and +will be offered At extremely attractive prices. Strangers visiting our +city are respectfully invited to examine.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Are offering, at about one-half the cost of +manufacture, a large lot of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Children's and Misses' Plain, Chine +and Plaid Poplin Suits,</p> + <p>Handsomely Trimmed,</p> + <p>Suitable for the present Season, $3 each, upwards.</p> + <p>Sizes to suit the ages of 3 to 12 years.</p> + <p><small>Also, the balance of their</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Linen, Lawn, and<br> +Barege Suits.</big></p> + <p>At exceedingly low prices.</p> + <p>The above specially deserves the attention of those visiting +out city.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. STEWART & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>have opened a large assortment of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PLAIN AND FANCY SILKS,</big></p> + <p>Suitable for Autumn,</p> + <p><small>From $1 per yard upward.</small></p> + <p><big>Also, a case of Very Rich Satin Brocatelles,</big></p> + <p>The choicest goods manufactured.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BONNET'S, PONSON'S AND<br> +A. T. STEWART & Co.'s</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PLAIN BLACK SILKS,</big></p> + <p><small>The handsomest goods imported.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>TRIMMINGS, SILKS<br> +AND SATINS.</big></p> + <p><small>In great variety,</small></p> + <p><small>Cut to suit customers.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>DIVORCES READY MADE.</b></p> + <p><i>Lawyer</i>—"A DIVORCE, MADAM?—CERTAINLY, BY ALL MEANS.<br> +BOY, GIVE THE LADY A DIVORCE."</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10033 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10033-h/images/01.jpg b/10033-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce44472 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/01a.jpg b/10033-h/images/01a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ef75f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/01a.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/04.jpg b/10033-h/images/04.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..65a648b --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/04.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/05.jpg b/10033-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9c4e83 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/06a.jpg b/10033-h/images/06a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff11280 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/06a.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/06b.jpg b/10033-h/images/06b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..444e13c --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/06b.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/06c.jpg b/10033-h/images/06c.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..84ff0a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/06c.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/07.jpg b/10033-h/images/07.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e61a577 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/07.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/08.jpg b/10033-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6f2449 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/09.jpg b/10033-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b911801 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/12.jpg b/10033-h/images/12.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..166cbcd --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/12.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/13.jpg b/10033-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ab7009 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/14.jpg b/10033-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..486ca7f --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/10033-h/images/16.jpg b/10033-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..60eee82 --- /dev/null +++ b/10033-h/images/16.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d772ce2 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10033 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10033) diff --git a/old/10033-8.txt b/old/10033-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a8fb42 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10033-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2648 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September 17, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10033] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Vol. I No. 25 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, | + | September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Fine Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, with a | + | fine chromo premium, for------ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper, | + | | + | everywhere. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No, 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for August, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 Broadway | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M, | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, July, and August, an attractive | + | and Saleable Work | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845] | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS | + | | + | The Best and Cheapest | + | | + | 256 Broadway | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats, C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31. will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson | + | and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in | + | connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at | + | Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 | + | from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XVIII + +A SUBTLE STRANGER. + +The latest transient guest at the Roach House--a hotel kept on the +entomological plan in Bumsteadville--was a gentleman of such lurid +aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be. +His enormous head of curled red hair not only presented a central +parting on top and a very much one-sided parting and puffing-out behind, +but actually covered both his ears; while his ruddy semi-circle of beard +curled inward, instead of out, and greatly surprised, if it did not +positively alarm, the looker-on, by appearing to remain perfectly +motionless, no matter how actively the stranger moved his jaws. This +ball of improbable inflammatory hair and totally independent face rested +in a basin of shirt collar; which, in its turn, was supported by a rusty +black necktie and a very loose suit of gritty alpaca; so that, taking +the gentleman for all in all, such an incredible human being had rarely +been seen outside of literary circles. + +"Landlord," said the stranger to the brown linen host of the Roach +House, who was intently gazing at him with the appreciative expression +of one who beholds a comic ghost,--"landlord, after you have finished +looking at my head and involuntarily opening your mouth at some +occasional peculiarity of my whiskers, I should like to have something +to eat. As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this year, and +that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of Health in +consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork and beans, +and some crackers. Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for I'm uncommon +fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in the head, +they clear the brain and make it more subtle." + +Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had ordered, +together with a glass of the heady native wine called applejack, the +gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its bed in the beans, +when, with much interest, he closely inspected the spot of vegetables he +had uncovered, and expressed the belief that there was something alive +in it. + +"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst these beans +that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move." + +Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which gave him +an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the landlord +bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched the beans, and +thoughtfully scrutinized the living raisin. + +"As I thought, sir, it is only a water-bug," he observed, rescuing the +insect upon his thumb-nail. "You need not have been frightened, however, +for they never bite." + +Somewhat reassured, the stranger went on eating until his knife +encountered resistance in the secondary layer of beans; when he once +more inspected the dish, with marked agitation. + +"Can this be a skewer, down here?" inquired he, prodding at some hard, +springy object with his fork. + +The host of the Roach House bore both fork and object to a window, where +the light was less deceptive, and was presently able to announce +confidently that the object was only a hair-pin. Then, observing that +his guest looked curiously at a cracker, which, from the gravelly marks +on one side, seemed to have been dug out of the earth, like a potato, he +hastened to obviate all complaint in that line by carefully wiping every +individual cracker with his pocket handkerchief. + +"And now, landlord," said the stranger, at last, pulling a couple of +long, unidentified hairs from his mouth as he hurriedly retired from the +meal, "I suppose you are wondering who I am?" + +"Well, sir," was the frank answer, "I can't deny that there are points +about you to make a plain man like myself thoughtful. There's that about +your hair, sir, with the middle-parting on top and the side-parting +behind, to give a plain person the impression that your brain must be +slightly turned, and that, by rights, your face ought to be where your +neck is. Neither can I deny, sir, that the curling of your whiskers the +wrong way, and their peculiarity in remaining entirely still while your +mouth is going, are circumstances calculated to excite the liveliest +apprehensions of those who wish you well." + +"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may either +exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result of my +own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a few +weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea where +a dead-beat,[1] like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in +Bumsteadville?" + +The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork and beans +was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a Mrs. SMYTHE, +wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took hash-eaters +for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church private +boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had to do was +to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he found the +place. + +Donning his Panama hat, and carrying a stout cane, Mr. CLEWS was quickly +upon the turnpike; and, his course taking him near the pauper +burial-ground, he presently perceived an extremely disagreeable child +throwing stones at pigeons in a field, and generally hitting the +beholder. + +"You young Alderman! what do you mean?" he exclaimed, with marked +feeling, rubbing the place on his knee which had just been struck. + +"Then just give me a five-cent stamp to aim at yer, and yer won't ketch +it onc't," replied the boyish trifler. "I couldn't hit what I was to +fire at if it was my own daddy." + +"Here are ten cents, then," said the gentleman, wildly dodging the last +shot at a distant pigeon, "and now show me where Mrs. SMYTHE lives. + +"All right, old brick-top," assented the merry sprite, with a vivacious +dash of personality. "D'yer see that house as yer skoot past the Church +and round the corner?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, that's SMYTHE'S, and BUMSTEAD lives there, too--him as is always +tryin' to put a head on me. I'll play my points on him yet, though. +_I'll_ play my points!" And the rather vulgar young chronic absentee +from Sunday-school retired to a proper distance, and from thence began +stoning his benefactor to the latter's perfect safety. + +Reaching the boarding-house of Mrs. SMYTHE, as directed, Mr. TRACEY +CLEWS soon learned from the lady that he could have a room next to the +apartment of Mr. BUMSTEAD, to whom he was referred for further +recommendation of the establishment. Though that broken-hearted +gentleman was mourning the loss of a beloved umbrella, accompanied by a +nephew, and having a bone handle, Mrs. SMYTHE was sure he would speak a +good word for her house. Perhaps Mr. CLEWS had heard of his loss? + +Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but had a +confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, at +various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must make +such a loss still heavier. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took place, and +having Judge SWEENEY for company over a bowl of lemon tea, the new +boarder lifted his hat politely to both dignitaries, and involuntarily +smacked his lips at the mixture they were taking for their coughs. + +"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, in a manner almost +stealthy; "but, as I am about to take summer board with the lady of this +house, I beg leave to inquire if she and the man she married are +strictly moral except in having cold dinner on Sunday?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, who sat very limply in his chair, said that she was a very +good woman, a very good woman, and would spare no pains to secure the +comfort of such a head of hair as he then saw before him. + +"This is my dear friend, Judge SWEENEY," continued the Ritualistic +organist, languidly waving a spoon towards that gentleman, "who has a +very good wife in the grave, and knows much more about women and gravy +than I. As for me," exclaimed Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly climbing upon the +arm of his chair and staring at Mr. CLEW'S head rather wildly, "my only +bride was of black alpaca, with a brass ferrule, and I can never care +for the sex again." Here Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes had been rolling in an +extraordinary manner, tumbled into his chair again, and then, frowning +intensely, helped himself to lemon tea. + +"I am referred to your Honor for further particulars," observed Mr. +TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound our friend +further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if Bumsteadville +contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like myself?" + +"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could show you a +tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph upon my +late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help enjoying +it." + +Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never been a +married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the +literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat. + +"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and more +struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair and +beard. + +"His Honor flatters me too much." + +"Something in the lunatic line, then, perhaps?" + +"I have told your Honor that I never was married." + +Since last speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD had been staring at the new boarder's +head and face, with a countenance expressive of mingled consternation +and wrath, and now made a startling rush at him from his chair and +fairly forced half a glass of lemon tea down his throat. + +"There, sir!" said the mourning organist, panting with suppressed +excitement. "That will keep you from taking cold until you can be walked +up and down in the open air long enough to get your hair and beard +sober. They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your head has +fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they belonged to +somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my present state of +mind I can't bear it." + +Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty dismissal, +Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in precipitate +haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, that the +gentleman they had just left had surprised him unprecedentedly, and that +he was very much put out by it. + +"Mr. JOHN BUMSTEAD, sir," explained the Judge, "is almost beside himself +at the double loss he has sustained, and I think that the sight of your +cane, there, maddened him with the memory it revived." + +"Why," exclaimed the gentleman of the hair, staring in wonder, "you +don't mean to tell me that my cane looks at all like his nephew?" + +"It looks a little like the stick of his umbrella, which he lost at the +same time," was the grave answer. + +After walking on in thoughtful silence for a while, as though deeply +pondering the striking character of a man whose great nature could thus +at once unite the bereaved uncle with the sincere mourner for the dumb +friend of his rainier days, Mr. TRACEY CLEWS asked whether suspicion yet +pointed to any one? + +Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a certain +person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in sufficient +amount to justify the exertions of police officials having families to +support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as it was not +exactly certain that the abstraction of an umbrella by unknown parties +would justify the criminal prosecution of a person for having in his +possession an Indian Club:--in view of all these complicated +circumstances, the law did not feel itself authorized to execute any +assassin at present. + +"And here we are, sir, at last, near our Ritualistic Church," continued +Judge SWEENEY, "where we stand up for the Rite so much that strangers +sometimes complain of it as fatiguing. Upon that monument yonder, in the +graveyard, you may find the epitaph I have mentioned. What is more, here +comes a rather interesting local character of ours, who cut the +inscription and put up the monument." + +Mr. MCLAUGHLIN came shuffling up the road as he spoke, followed in the +distance by the inevitable SMALLEY and a shower of promiscuous stones. + +"Here, you boy!" roared Judge SWEENEY, beckoning the amiable child to +him with a bit of small money, "aim at _all_ of us--do you hear?--and +see that you don't hit any windows. And now, MCLAUGHLIN, how do you do? +Here is a gentleman spending the summer with us, who would like to know +you." + +Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to him, with +undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the gentleman would +come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle with him, he +would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way of a further +acquaintance. + +"I shall certainly call upon you," assented Mr. CLEWS, "if our young +friend, the stone-thrower, will accept a trifle to show me the way." + +Before retiring to his bed that night, the same Mr. TRACEY CLEWS took +off his hair and beard, examined them closely, and then broke into a +strange smile. "No wonder they all looked at me so!" he soliloquized, +"for I did have my locks on the topside backmost, and my whiskers turned +the wrong way. However, for a dead-beat, with all his imperfections on +his head, I've formed a pretty large acquaintance for one day."[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 1: "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its nearest +native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, variously, +according to circumstances, a successful American politician; a wife's +male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a newspaper, a New York +detective policeman; any person who is uncommonly pleasant with people, +while never asking them to take anything with him; a pious boarder; a +French revolutionist.] + +[Footnote 2: In both conception and execution, the original of the above +Chapter, in Mr. DICKENS's work, is, perhaps, the least felicitous page +of fiction ever penned by the great novelist; and, as this Adaptation is +in no wise intended as a burlesque, or caricature, of the _style_ at the +original, (but rather as a conscientious imitation of it, so far as +practicable,) the Adapter has not allowed himself that license of humor +which, in the most comically effective treatment of said Chapter, might +bear the appearance of such an intention.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Patchouli._--What is the substance which enables flies to adhere to the +ceiling? +_Answer._--Ceiling wax. + +_Rosalie._--What is the meaning of the term "suspended animation?" +_Answer._--If you remain at any fashionable watering-place after the +close of the season you'll find out. + +_Zanesvillian._--Your pronunciation of the French word _bois_ is +incorrect, else you could not have fallen into the blunder of supposing +that the Bois de Boulogne and the Bois de Vincennes are _gamins_ of +Paris. + +_Blunderbore._--Your suggestion is ingenious, but the refined sentiment +of cruelty revealed in it is deserving of the severest censure. It is +true that the introduction of German cookery into France by the +Prussians, as you propose, would in a short time decimate the +population, but what a fearful precedent it would be! You can best +realize it by imagining Massachusetts cookery introduced into New York, +and the consequent desolation of her purliens. + +_Mrs. Gamp._--No; neither the French nor the Prussians are armed with +air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those distracting war +reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so conspicuously. + +_R.G.W._--What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which occurs in the +Shaksperean drama? +_Answer._--Some trace it to Ben Zine, an inflammable friend of "ancient +Pistol's." It is far more probable, however, that the word was +originally written "Bazainian," and was merely prophetic of the +well-known epithet now bestowed by Prussian soldiers on the French +troops serving under BAZAINE. + +_Earl Russel_--In reply to your question as to whether the thumb nail of +HOGARTH on which he made his traditional sketch of a drunken man, is now +in an American collection, we can only state that, of course, it once +formed a leading object of interest in BARNUM'S Museum. As that building +was destroyed by fire in 1865, however, it is to be presumed that the +HOGARTH nail perished with all the other nails, or was sold with them, +as "junk." + +_Invalid._--To regain strength you should take means to increase the +amount of iron in your blood. Bark will do it, which accounts for the +fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of iron. Here in New +York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood is to have a knife +run into you by the hand of an assassin; but this is not considered +favorable to longevity. + + * * * * * + +THE ROMANCE OF A RICH YOUNG MAN. + +It happened, once upon a time, that there was a great city, and that +city, being devoid of a sensation, yearned for a great man. Then the +wise men of the city began to look around, when lo! there entered +through the gates of the city a certain peddler from a foreign country, +which is called Yankee Land, and behold! the great man was found. He +dealt in shekels and stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became +like unto a golden calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and +worshipped him. Now it happened that at first, like all great men, he +was misunderstood, and the people ascribed his success to his partner, +so that everybody said, + + The name is but the guinea's stamp, + The man's a GOULD for all that; + +but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name of JEAMES +PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth. + +Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called DEDREW, +who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad +corporation called the Eareye, because, while it was much in everybody's +ear, no one could see anything of it or its dividends. So JEAMES PHYSKE +went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your servant is as +full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray you, your chief +adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW smiled upon him, as +he is wont to do, and finding that he was a stranger, he took him in, +and knowing that all were fish which came unto his net, he straightway +put him in the high places in Eareye, saying unto himself, "I will take +this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE sat high in Eareye. But it came to +pass very soon thereafter, that DEDREW and PHYSKE fell out, some say +about the division of the spoils which they had taken from the enemy, +which, being interpreted, is the people, while others do state that +DEDREW attempted to cut the wool from PHYSKE, but that it stuck so +tightly that PHYSKE caught him. Anyhow, it came to pass, very soon, that +DEDREW was sitting on the outside steps of Eareye, and PHYSKE was +sitting on DEDREW'S throne. + +Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did multiply it +manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it happened +that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion on the +street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have foreign +singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is called the +fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big fiddle, and upon +sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and upon divers other +instruments. And PHYSKE looked upon the mansion, and it seemed good in +his eyes, and he said unto PYKE, "Sell me now your mansion." And PYKE +did sell unto him the mansion, and the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon the violin, which is called the fiddle, and the players +upon the big fiddle, and the players upon the drums, and the players +upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE forthwith built himself a +throne there, and did make the mansion the palace of Eareye. And he +would sit upon his throne and view the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon divers instruments, and would much applaud, when his +foreign dancers did dance a certain dance, wherein the toe is placed +upon the forehead, and which is called the _cancan_. And all the people +came and worshipped him, him and his foreign singers and dancers, and +players upon divers instruments, and his great diamond. And PHYSKE was +called Prince Eareye. + +Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the ocean; so +he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to the foreign +land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a goodly number +of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy him a coat of +many colors, and did stand upon the landing place, which is called the +dock, and the players upon divers instruments did play, "Hail to the +Chief," and all the people did shout, "Hurrah for Admiral PHYSKE, Prince +of Eareye!" for he was of a noble stature, being four hands wider than +his fellows. + +Now it came to pass that divers envious persons did institute certain +troublesome actions, which are called suits, against him, and did +endeavor to drive him from the land, but PHYSKE took a field and went +before a barnyard, and did rout these envious persons, and did smite +them on the hip, which, being interpreted, is that he dismissed their +suits, and did smite them on the thigh, which, being interpreted, is, +did make them pay costs. But the field and the barnyard were much +employed. + +Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in shekels, +and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us whether +those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, nay, let us +buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers persons, dealers in +shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and were all of one accord. +Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto him nay, and PHYSKE and +the divers other persons did buy much gold. Now it happened that those +in high places did sell gold, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons +were sore afraid, and did fall upon each other's necks and did weep. But +PHYSKE straightway recovered and said unto them, "Lo, if I do murder and +the doctor say that I was insane, am I not forthwith discharged?" and +they said unto him, "It is even so." Then said he unto them, "Let us +send our broker into the board, so that he shall act like an insane man, +and can we be held for an insane man's purchases?" And they were filled +with great rejoicing. And the broker did go into the board, and did act +like an insane man, and PHYSKE and divers other persons did retain their +shekels. And it was Friday when they did these things, and when they had +done them they laughed until they were black in their faces, and the +day--is it not called Black Friday? + +Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other roads, and +waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was much +interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings--can they not be +found in the pages of "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is +the Moon, and are they not preserved there for two centuries? + +And then it came to pass that PHYSKE sat himself down and sighed because +there were no more worlds to conquer. But straightway he resolved to +become a Colonel. So certain persons endeavored to make him commander of +the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, which is Brains, +ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers said unto each other, +"Is it not better that we should have body than brains, and had we not +better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So they deposed Brains and +chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. And he straightway +submitted them to twelve temptations. Now it happened, that, as he was +marching at the head of his soldiers in the place wherein these twelve +temptations are kept, a certain servant of one Mammon did serve upon him +a paper, which is called a summons, and did command him to pay for his +butter. At which PHYSKE was much enraged and did wax wroth. And +thereupon he did march and countermarch his soldiers many times. And he +ordered another coat of many colors, and lo! in all Chatham Street there +was not cloth enough to make it, so they brought it from a foreign land. +And it came to pass that he and the centurion, which is Brains--for +should not body and brains work together?--did march the soldiers down +the street which is called Broadway, and did take them to the Branch +which is called Long, and there did divers curious things, all which are +they not found in the paper, "It shines for all," which, being +interpreted, is the Moon? + +Now it happened that one HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, did fall +upon PHYSKE and did berate him in a paper, which is called the _Try +Buin_. And PHYSKE became very wroth and did stop the sale of the paper, +which is called the _Try Buin_, upon his roads. And HO RACE GREL HE, +being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did fall straightway upon his +knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has sinned! I pray thee forgive +him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," which, being interpreted, +is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch you at it again." + +And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but are they not +written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who runs, read them +there? + +LOT. + + + * * * * * + +From the Spirit of Lindley Murray. + +When is a schoolboy like an event that has happened? +When he has come to parse. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Vain heading! This paper is not intended to communicate anything about a +vacation. "Would that it were! says Mr. PUNCHINELLO, from the bottom of +his heart. + +Last week Mr. P. intended going to the White Mountains. + +But he didn't go. + +On his way to the Twenty-third Street depot, he met the Count JOANNES. + +"Ah ha! my noble friend!" said the latter. ""Whither away"?" + +Mr. P. explained whither he was away; and was amazed to see the singular +expression which instantly spread itself over the countenance of his +noble friend. + +"To the "White Mountains!"cried the Count," why, my good fellow, what +are you thinking of? Do you not know that this is September?" + +"Certainly I do,"said Mr. P." I know that this is the season when Nature +revels in her richest hues, and Aurora gilds the fairest landscape; when +the rays of glorious old Sol are tempered by the soft caresses of the +balmiest zephyrs, and--" + +"Oh, certainly! certainly!" cried the Count, "I have no doubt of it; not +the least bit in the world. In fact, I have been in those places myself +when a boy, and I know all about it. But let me tell you, sir, as +_amicus curiae_, (and I assure you that I have often been _amicus +curiae_ before,) that society will not tolerate anything of this kind on +your part, sir. The skies in the country may be bluest at this season, +sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most gorgeous, and +accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, but it will not +do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a manner to +society, and society will never forgive him for going into the country +after the season is over. As _amicus curiae_--" + +"_Amicus_ your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does society know +about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for enjoying them?" + +"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing his sword +a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again with: clanging +sound. "And representing society, as I do in my proper person here, sir, +I say that any man who would go into the country in the latter part of +September is a---" + +"A what, sir?" said Mr. P., nervously fingering his umbrella. + +"Yes, sir, he is, sir!" + +"Do you say that, sir?" + +"In your teeth, sir!" + +"'Tis false, sir!" + +"What, sir?" + +"Just so, sir!" + +"To me, sir?" + +"To you, sir!" + +The Count JOANNES drew his sword. + +Mr. P. stood _en garde_. + +Just at this moment the Greenwich Street Cordwainers' Target +Association, preceded by one half the whole body of Metropolitan Police, +approached the spot. The Target Society were out on a street parade, and +the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all vehicles and +foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the business of a +great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and melancholy +little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing their utter +ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of firearms. + +Perceiving this vast body of police, with Superintendent JOURDAN at its +head, advancing with measured tread upon them, the Count sheathed his +sword and Mr. P. shut up his deadly weapon. + +Slowly and in opposite directions they withdrew from the ground. + +It was too late for Mr. P.'s train, and he returned to his home. There, +in the solitude of his private apartments, he came to the conclusion +that it would be useless to oppose the decrees of Society. The idea that +the Count, that worthy leader of the metropolitan _ton_, had put into +his head, was not to be treated contemptuously. He must give up all the +fruity richness of September, the royal glories of October, and the +delicious hazes of the Indian Summer, pack away his fish-hooks and his +pocket-flask, and stay in the city like the rest of the fools. + +This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from dreaming. He had a +delightful dream that night, in which he found himself sailing on Lake +George; ascending Mount Washington; and participating in the revelry of +a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of Kings and Queens and Suffolk +Counties. As nearly as circumstances will permit, he has endeavored to +give an idea of his dream by means of the following sketch. + +Taken as a whole, Mr. P. is not desirous that this dream should come +true, but taken in parts he would have no objections to see it fulfilled +as soon as Society will permit. + +Which will be, he supposes, about next July. + +In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have depended +entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who will now +be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort to go to +some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the fashionable +season is over,--that is, if they think they can brave the opinion of +society. It may not be so pleasant to go to these places as to read Mr. +P.'s accounts of them, but it is the best that can be done. + +The following little tail-piece will give a forcible idea of how +completely Mr. P. has given up, for the season, his field sports and +country pleasures. Copies may be obtained by placing a piece of +tracing-paper over the picture and following the lines with a +lead-pencil. + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VI. + + TAFFY was a Welshman, + TAFFY was a thief, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a piece of beef. + I went to TAFFY'S house, + TAFFY wasn't at home, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a mutton bone. + +It is not often that a poet descends to the discussion of mundane +affairs. His sphere of usefulness, oftentimes usefulness to himself, +only, lies among the roseate clouds of the morn, or the spiritual +essences of the cerulean regions, but, like other human beings, he +cannot live on the zephyr breeze, or on the moonbeams flitting o'er the +rippling stream. Such ethereal food is highly unproductive of adipose +tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any other man. And our poet is +no exception to the rule, for he well knew that good digestible poetry +can't be written on an empty stomach. + +It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize every +opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so happy +as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers tending +to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself perform. + +But with our poet--and we have been exceptional in our choice--he has +always been backward in coming forward, and it was not until he was +touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make himself heard, +when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few ills which flesh +is heir to. + +The opportune moment arrived. + +He had been out since early dawn, gathering the dew from the +sweet-scented flower, or painting in liquid vowels the pleasant calmness +of the cow-pasture, or mayhap echoing with hie pencil's point the +well-noted strains of the Shanghai rooster, when the far-off distant +bell announced to him that he must finish his poetic pabulum, and hurry +home to something more in accordance with the science of modern cookery. + +He arrived and found his household in tumult. "Who's been here since +I've been gone?" sang he, in pathetic tones. And he heard in mournful +accents the answer, "TAFFY." + +Could anything more melancholy have befallen our poet? He could remember +in childhood's merry days the old candy-woman, with her plentiful store +of brown sweetness long drawn out; and how himself and companions spent +many a pleasant hour teasing their little teeth with the delicate +morsels. Now his childhood's dreams vanished. He remembered that + + "TAFFY was a Welshman." + +And then, after a careful scrutiny of the larder, assisted by the +gratuitous services of his ever faithful feline friend, THOMAS, he +found the extent of his loss. + + "TAFFY was a thief," + +he now gave vent to passion, while anguish rent his soul. TAFFY had been +here, and made good his coming, although the good was entirely on +TAFFY'S side, for he walked off again with a piece of beef, and was, +even at this very moment, smacking his chops over its tender fibres. + +All his respect for TAFFY now vanished like the misty cloud before the +rays of the morning sun. He buckled on the armor of his strength, +departed for TAFFY'S house, determined to wreak his vengeance thereon, +and scatter TAFFY, limb for limb, throughout his own corn-field. "Woe, +woe to TAFFY," he muttered between his clenched teeth. "I will make +mincemeat of him; I will enclose him in sausage skins, and will send him +to that good man, KI YI SAMPSON." + +Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at TAFFY'S +house, he was informed, with mocking smiles. + + "TAFFY wasn't at home." + +Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.--All dashed to +the ground by one foul scathing blow. + +But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you waited, +but we will tell you now. TAFFY liked beef; liked it as no other human +liked it, for he could eat it raw. And when, foraging around the +village, he found a nice piece at the poet's house, his carnivorous +proclivities induced him to steal it, and, with it under his arm, +hurried off to the nearest barn, and there rapidly devoured it. This +only seemed to give him an appetite. He went foraging again, but this +time only picked up a mutton-bone. "The nearer the bone, the sweeter the +meat," cried TAFFY, and with a flourish he hastened to his hiding place, +while the poor poet, disconsolate in his first loss, returned home only +to find a second; and the culprit was still free. + +Ah! my kind reader, here was a deep cut to our poet. "Who would care for +mother now?" he sang, for all the meat was gone. Home was no longer the +dearest spot on earth to him, since it was rudely desecrated by the +hands of TAFFY--of DAVID, the Welshman. + +Poor poet! Cruel TAFFY! + +Let me draw the curtain of popular sympathy over the unhappy household. +The poet has told his story in words which will never die; and he has +proclaimed the infamy of TAFFY to the uttermost corners of the earth. + + * * * * * + +Sweeping Reform. + +The world moves. There is a chiropodist now travelling in the East who +removes excrescences of the feet simply by sweeping them away with a +corn broom. When last heard of he was at Alexandria, and there is no +corn in Egypt, now. + + * * * * * + +OUR EXPLOSIVES. + +What between nitroglycerine, kerosene, and ordinary gas, New York city +has, for years.past, been admirably provided with explosives. Now we +have to add gasoline to the interesting catalogue of inflammables. What +gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, as it knocked +several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days since, it must be +something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have been safer for +Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the present dearth +of public amusements, these jolly explosives--gasoline, dualine, +nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,--come in very well to create a +sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen keep them +in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well as +Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means. + + * * * * * + +Aggravating. + +The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now announced that the +Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier. + + * * * * * + +Anna-Tom-ical. + +"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists upon it that +he still feels pain in the arm and fingers."--(Daily Paper.) + +This is strange, certainly, but not more so than the statement of our +young man, TOM, who affirms that, having had his arm around ANNA'S waist +some three weeks ago, he still feels the most bewitching sensations in +that arm. Who can explain these things? + + * * * * * + +_Prussicos odi, puer, apparatus_,--as old NAP said to young NAP, when +the Teutonic bullets flew about them at Saarbruck. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT IS CORRECT, BUT THIS IS +PUNCHINELLO'S IDEA OF THE CHASSE POT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FACT FROM LAKE SUPERIOR. + +_Shipwrecked Cockney_.--"I SAY, CAPTAIN, ARE THERE ANY BEARS ABOUT HERE? +I'VE COME PREPARED FOR A LITTLE SPORT, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +THE CHARGE OF THE NINTH BRIGADE. + +"Col. FISK, Jr., marched his men up to the Continental Bar-room this +evening and gave them a _carte blanche_ order for drinks."--_Special to +morning paper_. + + Half asleep, half asleep, + Half asleep, onward + Into the bar-room bright + Strode the Six Hundred: + 'Forward the Ninth Brigade! + Charge this to me," he said. + Into the bar-room, then + Rushed the Six Hundred. + + Topers to right of them. + Topers to left of them, + Old sots in front of them, + Parleyed and wondered; + Yet into line they fell, + Boldly they drank, and well + Into the jaws of each, + Into the mouth of all, + Drinks went, Six Hundred. + + Flashed the big diamond there, + Flashed as its owner square + Treated his soldiers there, + Charging a bar-room, while + All the "beats" wondered. + Choked with tobacco smoke, + Straight for the door they broke, + Pushing and rushing, + Reeled from the Bourbon stroke, + Shattered and sundered; + Thus they went back--they did-- + On the Six Hundred. + + Whiskey to right of them, + Cocktails to left of them, + Popping corks after them, + Volleyed and thundered, + Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,-- + Many a hero fell. + Tho' some did stand it well, + Those that were left of them, + Left of Six Hundred. + + Oh! what a bill was paid, + Oh! what a noise they made, + All Long Branch wondered; + Oh! what a noise they made, + They of the Ninth Brigade, + Jolly Six Hundred! + + * * * * * + +A Sun-burst. + +The _Sun_ regretfully announces that PUNCHINELLO is about to "give up +the ghost." PUNCHINELLO begs to assure the Sun that he doesn't keep a +ghost; though, at the same time, the mistake was a natural one enough to +emanate from Mr. C. A. (D. B.) DANA, who keeps a REAL ghost in his +closet. + + * * * * * + +A. Natural Mistake. + +An advertisement from the establishment of Messrs. A. T. STEWART & Co., +announces, among other things, that they have opened a "MADDER PRINT." + +At first sight we supposed that the firm in question had begun +publishing a paper in opposition to the Sun, and that it was to be, if +possible, a madder print than that luminary, for the purpose of cutting +it out. Further reflection convinced us, however, that the "print" in +question was connected with the subject of dry goods, only. + + * * * * * + +Very Small Beer. + +Newspaper items state that the editor of the Winterset (Iowa,) _Sun_, +is, probably, the smallest editor in the the world." Surely the editor +of the New York Sun must be the one meant. + + * * * * * + +"Well I'm Blowed!" + +As the _omelette soufflée_ said to the cook. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE SARATOGA CONVENTION. + +_Horace Greeley, (to Roscoe Conkling.)_ "DON'T BE RASH, NOW REMEMBER +THAT A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH." + +_Roscoe Conkling_. "LET US HAVE PEACE, BY ALL MEANS: BUT IF THAT FELLOW +REUBE FENTON INTERFERES WITH ME, HE HAD BETTER LOOK OUT THAT I DON'T +SMASH HIS SLATE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON. + +Napoleon I and Napoleon III--Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to Overcome. + +SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, + +_Orgust--, 18-Seventy._ + +FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which I rote to +your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, that maybe +you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as not our +"Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble up your +male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I now take +my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle Rock oyster, +and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same blessin. +Numerous changes have taken place since your _grand invasion_ of German +sile. + +It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save you a long +jerney to fite them. + +Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home for a +little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own country, +and enjoy the fun. + +A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall fiddlin' when +Rome was burnin'. + +While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around you (?) my +advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD: + + "Hang up your fiddle and your bow, + Lay down your shovel and the hoe. + Where the woodbine twineth + There's a place for Unkle LEW, + With UGEENY and little LEWIS for to go." + +The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful. + +It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble Pea-cracker, to see +how you've been lickt. + +You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of your grate +unkle has passed into the hands of some other family. + +The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, altho' I +don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny haint on +any of the war maps. + +I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the program, that +when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as the champion +Black-eyed man of Urope. + +Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle loominary which; +Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his pome of "Shoo-fly." + +It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the Sun has +nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite. + +Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose eclips has been +visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can be seen without +usin' smoked glass. + +I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for Nancy, +that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go. + +When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success. + +Empires--Kingdoms--Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first train and +skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their territory. + +The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, and +commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and sellin' +the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at that, which +may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo Offisers, who, +as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she stabbed Lord Byron, +"are all _honorable_ men." + +Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. scatter a few +buckets of tear drops. + +Said your Unkle: + +"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. I belong, +body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be perpetuated. +You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another +bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer." + +He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and married MARIAR +LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out institootion, employin' his +time walkin' _in solo_ with his hands behind him, gazin' intently on the +toes of his butes, and wonderin' if they was the same ones which had +histed so many roolers off of their thrones. + +In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I understand, +is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness. + +The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but let an old +statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the +Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything." + +Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap to fite +agin. I tried it once. + +A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years since, for a +target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box of sardeens +for refreshments. + +I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve the peece. + +Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few mugs. I +woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul regiment of +Dutch soljers on general trainin' day. + +It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on rather +too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her that I +was boss of the ranch. + +Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the kitchen as +bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th. + +"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her pan of +dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) tode the +mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any more of yer +(hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like a (hic!) man, +in the futer?" + +I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it on a fly +with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my wife I was +in earnest in what I said. + +Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large bag with a +lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could also +distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract for +thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, and +somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes. + +I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips--hair and panterloon buttons +rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close. + +When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company had been +usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's eye. + +I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck agin +Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. WARD +BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had got +in. + +When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro. + +Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I think I can +get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your $115.00 a month, +provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew. + +This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities of the +world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything cold in apt +to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk. + +Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern wisdom by +cultivatin' my acquaintance--and with kind regards to UGEEN and bub +BONYPART, in your native tung I will say: + +_Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker._ + +Ewer'n, one and onseperable, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bunsby's War Paint. + + Napoleon's chances are not great + If German facts are true; + But if he finds not Paris Green + Hell make the Prussian Blue. + + * * * * * + +Remark by a Bandsman. + +Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but now, +considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it appears to +be superseded by the Off I Glide. + + * * * * * + +The Music of the Future. + +Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way of the +performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few Sure +enough. + + * * * * * + +A Relic of the Past. + +The following item is taken from a daily paper: + +"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the Passy theatre +lately." + +There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is meant for +_passée_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRECOCIOUS. + +LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT +TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +"Well, you know, Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, this is how CHARLEY DANY and me +cum to hev our fallin' out. We was boys together, was CHARLEY and me, +and went to the same school. CHARLEY were a likely lad there; never +given to spilin' the faces of t'other boys nor splashin' mud on their +clothes. Oh! but hasn't he gone back on them good old times. I wouldn't +hev' believed it, CHARLEY, no I wouldn't. + +But, as I was sayin', he were a likely lad; studyin' hard, and often +tellin' me how he would one day come out at the head of the heap, +gradooatin' before the Squire's son, JACK BALDERBACK. Just about this +time I was tuk with the measles, and father died, and SALLIE got +married, and the old woman said to me: + +"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. I never +went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years gone now, +'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he tuk onto +business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how things +went well with him, and how he got up, up, up, till the ladder wasn't +big enough and he couldn't climb no higher. Folks said he was into the +war; but I didn't believe 'em. CHARLEY was a peace man, I knowed that. +Arterwards, howsumever, it cum out that it was the War Office he was +into, and not the war; and says I to myself, "EPHRAIM," says I, "didn't +I tell you so; and tell them so, and war'nt I right? I calkilate they +won't go back no more on what I says about CHARLEY DANY." + +Well, dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, I was one day readin' of your paper, and I +comes onto sumthin' about sumbody, which it was as I spell it, "CHARLES +A. DANA," how he was a cuttin' up shines, and how you was a pokin' fun +and hard things at him. + +I larfed right out. + +"That's smart," says I, "Yes, that's smart; but it ain't onto _my_ +CHARLEY. He ain't stuck up nor nothing of that sort. He is as innocent +as gooseberries, is the CHARLEY DANY I know;" and arterwards I thought +no more about it, till I cum on to New York for to look into the cattle +business, and see how things was shapin for trade this winter. + +I put up to the St. Nikkleas. Well, I allers larf when I think of it. +Here was an Irishman tuk my bag, slung it behind him, and says he to +me--"Foller me, if you please, sir." I follered accordin'. + +I've clumb some pretty tall hills in my day, Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, but that +'ere gettin' up them stairs jest switches the rag off of all on 'em. I +broke down. Then he tuk me to a heister, and landed us next to the roof. +I was too pegged out to wash or fix, so I flung off my cowhides, jumped +onto the bed and slept clean through till next day. In the mornin' I +rigged up, went down stairs, and asked the clerk if he would be kind +enough to pint out to me where I might see CHARLEY DANY. He sort o' +smiled like, and said I would find him at the _Sun_ office. I paid two +dollars for a kab to take me down, which it did till we stopped afore a +big yaller house, with a big board stuck up agin it havin' these words: + + +--------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "EXTRA SUN!!! | + | | + | ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL. | + | FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES. | + | INTERESTING CHAPTER OF FAMILY SECRETS. | + | WHO IS SHE AND WHY DID SHE DO IT? | + | GENERAL GRANT BUYS A SKYE TERRIER! | + | PARTICULARS OF THE SALE!! | + | GENEALOGY OF THE DOG!!! | + | SECRETARY FISH BOBBING FOR SPANISH EELS, | + | HE IS CAUGHT BY THE GILLS. | + | THE MINION OF SPANISH TYRANNY IN DISTRESS. | + | KITCHEN COUNCILS IN FIFTH AVENUE. | + | NOTES BY OUR KEYHOLE REPORTER. | + | BABY FOUND IN THE PRIVATE OFFICE OF A | + | LEADING EDITOR. | + | WHOSE IS IT AND HOW DID IT COME THERE? | + | INTERESTING DISCLOSURES OF A PROMINENT | + | MERCHANT'S LIFE!!! | + | FOR FULL DETAILS SEE EXTRA SUN, PRICE | + | TWO CENTS!" | + | | + +--------------------------------------------+ + +"Wonder if CHARLEY writ all that 'ere," says I, inwardly, inquirin' of a +boy where Mr. DANY'S particular holdin' out place might be, and givin' +him three cents to show me the way. Drawin' a quick breath, I knocked at +the door. "Come in," says a peskish voice. I cum in, and there, sure +enough, with nose close down to the desk, a writin' away for dear life, +sat CHARLEY. I knowed him to onc't, for all he was a little oldish, and +a little grayish, and had a bare spot like a turtle's back on the top of +his head. My heart cum' a bustin' up into my throat, and an inward voice +seemed to say: + +"Do it now EPHRAIM, do it now, while the feeling is onto you." Jest then +he looked up, and I bust forth: "Oh, CHARLEY! CHARLEY! its a long time +sin' we met, CHARLEY. Don't you know me? Don't you remember little EPH +ECKELS? Oh! CHARLEY, CHARLEY, give us a grip of your knob, old +hunk"--and I slewed over towards him for to shake hands when he suddenly +drawed back, kinder gloomy like, putting down his pen and chewing his +gums sort of swagewise. as he said: + +"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant Secretary +of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at present +Chief Editor of the New York _Sun_, price two cents. There is no +individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old Hunk," and, +as I perceive, sir, that there is a most infernal smell of cow yards +about your raiment, and the effluvia arising thence is becoming +insupportable, I would thank you to get out of this apartment double +quick, and I suggest for the sake of others who may be unfortunately +brought into contact with you, that my friend the Hon. WILLIAM MANHATTAN +TWEED has recently established public baths where such creatures as you +may undergo purification before venturing into the presence of +gentlemen." + +It was CHARLEY who spoke it; Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, there is no doubt about +that; but the CHARLEY that I knew has been dead sin' that day. Yours in +memory-moram, + +EPHRAIM ECKELS. + + * * * * * + +Horrors of War. + +Much has been said about the Prussian "demonstrations" at Strasbourg. If +half what we hear of Prussian vandalism as displayed at the siege of +Strasbourg is true, "Demonstration" is a very appropriate term for the +thing. + + * * * * * + +OLIVE LOGAN. + +We have no authentic record of the date of this fair syren's birth. It +is popularly supposed, however, that she was contemporaneous with +POCAHONTAS. POKY (as she was playfully called by her playmates at +boarding-school) is now dead. LOGY (another playful appellation of the +gushing miss alluded to) is still Olive. + +We do not, however, credit the legend above cited. Also, we do not +credit the equally absurd and unreasonable story that our girlish gusher +is a daughter of a negro preacher named LOGUEN. We look upon this as a +colorless aspersion of our subject's fair fame, and we therefore feel +called upon to politely but furiously hurl it back in the teeth of its +degraded and offensive inventor. Things are come indeed to a pretty pass +when a lady of Miss LOGAN'S position may have her good name blackened +(not to say sooted) by associating it with that of a preacher. Besides, +LOGUEN was himself born in 1800, and is therefore only seventy years +old. These things are not to be borne. + +Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is reliable. We +have our information from the lips of an aunt of the Honorable HORATIUS +GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and wrung the confession +from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, we need not say, is +incapable of telling a lie. + +At the early age of six weeks our illustrious victim made her first +appearance as a public speaker. This was at Faneuil Hall, Boston. She +was supported on that memorable occasion by a young and fascinating lady +by the name of ANTHONY (SUSAN.) SUSIE prophesied then, it will be +remembered, that the fair oratress would yet live to be President of the +United States and Canadas. Miss LOGAN, with her customary modesty, +declined to view the mysterious future in that puerile light, gracefully +suggesting, amid a brilliant outburst of puns, metaphors and amusing +anecdotes, that SUSIE distorted the facts. Miss ANTHONY, under a +mistaken impression that this referred to her peculiar mode of keeping +accounts, offered, with a wild shriek of despair and disgust, to exhibit +her books to an unprejudiced committee of her own sex, with WENDELL +PHILLIPS as chairwoman. (There is manifest inaccuracy in this account, +though, inasmuch as Mr. PHILLIPS was not yet born, at that time; but we +of course give the story as it is related to us by eye-witnesses.) Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, who was in the audience, rose and said that Miss +ANTHONY'S explanation was entirely sufficient, and that she might now +take her seat. The lecturer then proceeded to discuss her subject, +"Girls." She said-- + +However, this is not a newspaper report, is it? + +Soon after this, Louis PHILLIPPE invited Miss LOGAN to visit Paris. He +represented that he should consider it an honor at any time to welcome +the beautiful demoiselle to the palace of the Tuileries. He remarked in +a postscript that his dinner hour was twelve o'clock, noon, sharp, and +that his hired man had instructions to pass Miss LOGAN at any time. +Accordingly, our syren departed hungrily for the capital of the French. +Her career in Paris is well known to every mere ordinary schoolboy: +therefore, wherefore dwell? Madame DE STAEL'S dressmaker called on her. +A committee of strong-minded milliners solicited the honor of her +acquaintance. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN proposed an alliance with her for the +purpose of hurling imperial jackassery from its tottering throne. Other +honors were conferred on her. + +Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more resumed her +career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career has been, +does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in +14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and +California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's +Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, and +lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on the +enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, +before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their +feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated +aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said to +be worth $250. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genna, Corvus.--The Common Crow. + +This Ravenous bird abounds in all temperate regions, and is a fowl of +sober aspect, although a Rogue in Grain. Crows, like time-serving +politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency in the art of +Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical Spoilsmen denounced +by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt the battle-field with +the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a much more certain +method of making themselves acquainted with the Organization of military +Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who Pick the Brains of fugitives +from the field for their information. In time of peace the Crow leads a +comparatively quiet life, and it is no novel thing to see him walking in +the fields devouring with great apparent interest the Yellow-Covered +Cereals. Agriculturists have strong prejudices against the species, and +allege, not without reason, that large Crow Crops indicate diminished +harvests. The most persistent enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, +which attacks it on the wing with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to +show the White Feather. + +This variety of the genus _corvus_ was well known to the ancients. Those +solemn Bores, the Latin augurs, were in the habit of foretelling the +triumph or downfall of the Roman Eagles by the flight of Crows, and St. +PETER was once convicted of three breaches of veracity by a Crow. The +bird has also been the theme of song--the carnivorous exploits of three +of the species having been repeatedly chanted by popular Minstrels. + +A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater--but that's a +fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a Mite for +Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this rapacious +creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human subject, it +relishes the _cheval mort_. During the late war, our government, with +exemplary liberality, purchased thousands of horses to feed the Southern +Crows. The consequence was that our Cavalry Charges were tremendous. + +The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is nevertheless +an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in flocks, and +the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of the Country, +but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. Naturalists do +not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who _can_ eat crow, +but nobody hankers after it. The story of the man who "swallowed three +black crows" lacks confirmation. Looking at the whole tribe from a +Ration-al point of view, however, we have no hesitation in pronouncing +them excellent food--for powder. In this category may be included the +copper-colored Crows on our Western frontier. + + * * * * * + +THE CHURCH MILITANT. + +That Brooklyn is a City of Churches has long been known to people of +average intelligence. The following item, however, taken from a daily +paper, is very suggestive of the old saying, "The nearer the church," +etc. + +"JOHN BEATY bit off WM. HARPER'S face in April last, at a church fight +in Brooklyn, and then went to sea. Last night he came back, and was +arrested by officer Fox, who will take him before Justice WALSH to-day. +HARPER is disfigured for life." + +The matter-of-fact way in which the expression, "a church fight" is used +by the writer of the above item, seems to indicate that tabernacular +conflicts are rather the rule than the exception in "deeply religious" +Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, that theological +controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the extent of "putting +a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears that biting his face +off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER is disfigured for +life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends altogether on what sort +of looking man he was previous to the removal of his features by means +of a dental apparatus. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "STERN PARENT. + +_Daughter_ "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH OF THE CLOSE +OF THE SERMON." + +_Father_. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES OF THE +CONGREGATION."] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR. + +It is with feeling of intense satisfaction and self complacency, that +Mr. PUNCHINELLO submits to his readers the following despatches relative +to the Great Railroad War, which have been collected at a fabulous cost, +by a large corps of reporters and correspondents specially detailed for +the purpose. + +WAR DECLARED! + +ERIE PALACE.--It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has for some +time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the Central, +will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, assisted by +twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in drawing up a +formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The Erie Galop and +FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length portrait of +Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and are +vociferously re-demanded. Every member of the Ninth has been notified to +hold himself in readiness to turn out at fifteen minutes' notice. + +LATER. + +"Erie accepts the war which VANDERBILT proffers her." The "Blonde +Usher," accompanied by an extensive retinue of brother ushers, will bear +the gauge of battle to the Tyrant of the Central. He will cast It boldly +at VANDERBILT'S feet. It is announced that he will proceed to his +destination by way of the Eighth Avenue Car Line. The reply of the +Hudson River potentate is looked forward to with great interest. + +"CENTRAL" REPORTS. + +VANDERBILT received the Declaration of War with seeming calm. On the +departure of the Erie Emissary, however, his fortitude forsook him; he +threw himself on the neck of a baggage porter and wept aloud. At a late +hour this evening a trusted agent left here for the _Tribune_ office. He +is said to have held a long conference with Mr. GREELEY, the particulars +of which have not transpired. It is supposed by many to portend an +alliance, offensive and defensive, between the King of Central and the +Philosopher of Printing-House Square. + +FROM ERIE. + +Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 team went to +the front this morning. They are to be broken into the turmoil of war by +being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court injunction. A +Central spy, who was captured during the day, was immediately tried by +court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from the flag-staff on top +of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy of the _Tribune_ being +tied to his feet, to add force to his fall and curtail his sufferings. +From legal documents found in his possession, the wretched being is +supposed to have been a minion of the law. The Narragansett and Long +Branch boats are being rapidly got ready for active service. Their +armament will consist of Parrott guns of large calibre. FISK says that +VANDERBILT will hear those Parrotts talk. + +DESPATCHES FROM THE CENTRAL. + +VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the Erie forces. +He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure their lives +for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on parting, with a +copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the _Tribune_, which +will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear. + +ADVICES FROM ERIE. + +VICTORY!--By a well executed movement the Narragansett fleet under +command of Admiral Fisk, have succeeded in cutting off the _Tribune's_ +connection with Long Branch. A panic prevails in the _Tribune_ office. +HORACE GREELEY threatens, in retaliation, to lecture on farming along +the route of the Erie Railway, to the ruin of the agricultural interest +of the district. A meeting of prominent farmers has been convened to +protest against this outrage, and a strong body of Erie troops have been +sent to prevent H.G.'s advance. It is proposed, in case of attack, to +illuminate the Erie Palace by means of Colonel FISK'S big diamond, +which, it is estimated, would prove more powerful than a dozen calcium +lights. If this should not be dazzling enough, it is suggested that a +glimpse of the Colonel's $5,000 uniform might have the desired effect. +Amongst the novel instruments of warfare which the contest has given +birth to, is a new ball projected by the Prince of Erie. It will be +given at Long Branch, and will, no doubt, be very effective. + +LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH. + +As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, an elderly +man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of the officers +of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It proved to be the +sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt collar, by means of +which he no doubt hoped to avoid recognition. In his travelling bag was +found a tooth-brush and several copies of the _Tribune_. Upon being +tried and convicted of carrying contraband of war, he was sentenced to +give forthwith his reasons why J. C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be +dismissed from his present office of Assistant Secretary of State. + +FROM SARATOGA. + +The news of Mr. GREELEY'S capture has affected the Commodore to such an +extent as to stretch him on a bed of sickness. JAY GOULD is reported +marching on Saratoga with a strong force. + +LATEST--PEACE! + +Central has capitulated! Erie is victorious! To-day a treaty is drawn up +by which everybody is made happy except Mr. GREELEY, who, it is +stipulated, must feign total ignorance of farming whenever he journeys +by the Erie Railway. + + * * * * * + +The place to look for them. + +_The Sun_, a few days ago, had an editorial article about a reported +theft of a box containing four large boa-constrictors. Might not a +search in the editorial boots disclose the whereabouts of the missing +reptiles? + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | For the accommodation of Strangers have opened | + | A large and elegant assortment of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS, | + | | + | Empress Cloths, | + | | + | SATINS DE CHINE, | + | | + | NEW STYLE CLOAKINGS. | + | | + | Paris and Domestic Made Suits | + | Extremely cheap. | + | | + | Children's elegantly embroidered | + | CLOAKS, DRESSES, INFANTS' ROBES. | + | | + | Paris Novelties in | + | LADIES' BASQUES, SACQUES, &c. | + | | + | A large assortment of | + | Housekeeping Goods, | + | CARPETS AND CURTAIN MATERIALS, | + | EMBROIDERED LACE AND | + | MUSLIN CURTAINS, | + | LADIES' UNDERWEAR AND GENERAL | + | OUTFITTING. | + | HOSIERY. | + | | + | Alexandra's Celebrated Kid Gloves. | + | | + | Splendid quality and New Style | + | Sash Ribbons, Sashes, Neckties, Millinery, and Trimming | + | Ribbons, &c. | + | | + | The above have been received per recent steamers, | + | and will be offered | + | At extremely attractive prices. | + | Strangers visiting our city are respectfully invited | + | to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering, at about one-half the cost of manufacture, | + | a large lot of | + | | + | Children's and Misses' | + | Plain, Chine and Plaid Poplin Suits, | + | | + | Handsomely Trimmed, | + | | + | Suitable for the present Season, $3 each, upwards. | + | | + | Sizes to suit the ages of 3 to 12 years. | + | | + | Also, the balance of their | + | | + | Linen, Lawn, and Barege Suits. | + | | + | At exceedingly low prices. | + | | + | The above specially deserves the attention of those | + | visiting out city. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | have opened a large assortment of | + | | + | PLAIN AND FANCY SILKS, | + | | + | Suitable for Autumn, | + | | + | From $1 per yard upward. | + | | + | Also, a case of | + | Very Rich Satin Brocatelles, | + | | + | The choicest goods manufactured. | + | | + | BONNET'S, PONSON'S AND A. T. STEWART & Co.'s | + | | + | PLAIN BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | The handsomest goods imported. | + | | + | TRIMMINGS, SILKS AND SATINS. | + | | + | In great variety, | + | | + | Cut to suit customers. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for ... | + | $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September +17, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + +***** This file should be named 10033-8.txt or 10033-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10033/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10033] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img src="images/01a.jpg" alt=" CARBOLIC SALVE"> + <p><b>Recommended by Physicians.</b></p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS.<br> +SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PRICE 25 CENTS.</small></p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor,<br> +No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 25.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6" style="width: 30%;"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. 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Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry +Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to +Troy</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.<br> +WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R.</small></p> + <p> NICHOLS, M.D.<br> +WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</big></p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>HOME LIFE</b>,<b><br> +The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>.</p> + <p>$1.00 Per Year.</p> + <p><i>Journal and Punchinello<br> +(without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY<br> + Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,</p> + <p><b>150 CONGRESS STREET,<br> +BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by +the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR</p> + <p>CHAPTER XVIII</p> + <p>A SUBTLE STRANGER.</p> + <p>The latest transient guest at the Roach House—a hotel kept on +the entomological plan in Bumsteadville—was a gentleman of such lurid +aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be. +His enormous head of curled red hair not only presented a central +parting on top and a very much one-sided parting and puffing-out +behind, but actually covered both his ears; while his ruddy semi-circle +of beard curled inward, instead of out, and greatly surprised, if it +did not positively alarm, the looker-on, by appearing to remain +perfectly motionless, no matter how actively the stranger moved his +jaws. This ball of improbable inflammatory hair and totally independent +face rested in a basin of shirt collar; which, in its turn, was +supported by a rusty black necktie and a very loose suit of gritty +alpaca; so that, taking the gentleman for all in all, such an +incredible human being had rarely been seen outside of literary circles.</p> + <p>"Landlord," said the stranger to the brown linen host of the +Roach House, who was intently gazing at him with the appreciative +expression of one who beholds a comic ghost,—"landlord, after you have +finished looking at my head and involuntarily opening your mouth at +some occasional peculiarity of my whiskers, I should like to have +something to eat. As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this +year, and that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of +Health in consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork +and beans, and some crackers. Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for +I'm uncommon fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in +the head, they clear the brain and make it more subtle."</p> + <p>Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had +ordered, together with a glass of the heady native wine called +applejack, the gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its +bed in the beans, when, with much interest, he closely inspected the +spot of vegetables he had uncovered, and expressed the belief that +there was something alive in it.</p> + <p>"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst +these beans that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move."</p> + <p>Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which +gave him an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the +landlord bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched the +beans, and thoughtfully scrutinized the living raisin.</p> + <p>"As I thought, sir, it is only a water-bug," he observed, +rescuing the insect upon his thumb-nail. "You need not have been +frightened, however, for they never bite."</p> + <p>Somewhat reassured, the stranger went on eating until his +knife encountered resistance in the secondary layer of beans; when he +once more inspected the dish, with marked agitation.</p> + <p>"Can this be a skewer, down here?" inquired he, prodding at +some hard, springy object with his fork.</p> + <p>The host of the Roach House bore both fork and object to a +window, where the light was less deceptive, and was presently able to +announce confidently that the object was only a hair-pin. Then, +observing that his guest looked curiously at a cracker, which, from the +gravelly marks on one side, seemed to have been dug out of the earth, +like a potato, he hastened to obviate all complaint in that line by +carefully wiping every individual cracker with his pocket handkerchief.</p> + <p>"And now, landlord," said the stranger, at last, pulling a +couple of long, unidentified hairs from his mouth as he hurriedly +retired from the meal, "I suppose you are wondering who I am?"</p> + <p>"Well, sir," was the frank answer, "I can't deny that there +are points about you to make a plain man like myself thoughtful. +There's that about your hair, sir, with the middle-parting on top and +the side-parting behind, to give a plain person the impression that +your brain must be slightly turned, and that, by rights, your face +ought to be where your neck is. Neither can I deny, sir, that the +curling of your whiskers the wrong way, and their peculiarity in +remaining entirely still while your mouth is going, are circumstances +calculated to excite the liveliest apprehensions of those who wish you +well."</p> + <p>"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may +either exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result +of my own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a +few weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea +where a dead-beat,<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a> +like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in Bumsteadville?"</p> + <p>The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork +and beans was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a +Mrs. SMYTHE, wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took +hash-eaters for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church +private boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had +to do was to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he +found the place.</p> + <p>Donning his Panama hat, and carrying a stout cane, Mr. CLEWS +was quickly upon the turnpike; and, his course taking him near the +pauper burial-ground, he presently perceived an extremely disagreeable +child throwing stones at pigeons in a field, and generally hitting the +beholder.</p> + <p>"You young Alderman! what do you mean?" he exclaimed, with +marked feeling, rubbing the place on his knee which had just been +struck.</p> + <p>"Then just give me a five-cent stamp to aim at yer, and yer +won't ketch it onc't," replied the boyish trifler. "I couldn't hit what +I was to fire at if it was my own daddy."</p> + <p>"Here are ten cents, then," said the gentleman, wildly dodging +the last shot at a distant pigeon, "and now show me where Mrs. SMYTHE +lives.</p> + <p>"All right, old brick-top," assented the merry sprite, with a +vivacious dash of personality. "D'yer see that house as yer skoot past +the Church and round the corner?"</p> + <p>"Yes."</p> + <p>"Well, that's SMYTHE'S, and BUMSTEAD lives there, too—him as +is always tryin' to put a head on me. I'll play my points on him yet, +though. <i>I'll</i> play my points!" And the rather vulgar young +chronic absentee from Sunday-school retired to a proper distance, and +from thence began stoning his benefactor to the latter's perfect safety.</p> + <p>Reaching the boarding-house of Mrs. SMYTHE, as directed, Mr. +TRACEY CLEWS soon learned from the lady that he could have a room next +to the apartment of Mr. BUMSTEAD, to whom he was referred for further +recommendation of the establishment. Though that broken-hearted +gentleman was mourning the loss of a beloved umbrella, accompanied by a +nephew, and having a bone handle, Mrs. SMYTHE was sure he would speak a +good word for her house. Perhaps Mr. CLEWS had heard of his loss?</p> + <p>Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but +had a confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, +at various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must +make such a loss still heavier.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took +place, and having Judge SWEENEY for company over a bowl of lemon tea, +the new boarder lifted his hat politely to both dignitaries, and +involuntarily smacked his lips at the mixture they were taking for +their coughs.</p> + <p>"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, in a manner +almost stealthy; "but, as I am about to take summer board with the lady +of this house, I beg leave to inquire if she and the man she married +are strictly moral except in having cold dinner on Sunday?"</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, who sat very limply in his chair, said that she +was a very good woman, a very good woman, and would spare no pains to +secure the comfort of such a head of hair as he then saw before him.</p> + <p>"This is my dear friend, Judge SWEENEY," continued the +Ritualistic organist, languidly waving a spoon towards that gentleman, +"who has a very good wife in the grave, and knows much more about women +and gravy than I. As for me," exclaimed Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly climbing +upon the arm of his chair and staring at Mr. CLEW'S head rather wildly, +"my only bride was of black alpaca, with a brass ferrule, and I can +never care for the sex again." Here Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes had been +rolling in an extraordinary manner, tumbled into his chair again, and +then, frowning intensely, helped himself to lemon tea.</p> + <p>"I am referred to your Honor for further particulars," +observed Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound +our friend further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if +Bumsteadville contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like +myself?"</p> + <p>"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could +show you a tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph +upon my late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help +enjoying it."</p> + <p>Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never +been a married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the +literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat.</p> + <p>"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and +more struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair and +beard.</p> + <p>"His Honor flatters me too much."</p> + <p>"Something in the lunatic line, then, perhaps?"</p> + <p>"I have told your Honor that I never was married."</p> + <p>Since last speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD had been staring at the new +boarder's head and face, with a countenance expressive of mingled +consternation and wrath, and now made a startling rush at him from his +chair and fairly forced half a glass of lemon tea down his throat.</p> + <p>"There, sir!" said the mourning organist, panting with +suppressed excitement. "That will keep you from taking cold until you +can be walked up and down in the open air long enough to get your hair +and beard sober. They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your +head has fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they +belonged to somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my +present state of mind I can't bear it."</p> + <p>Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty +dismissal, Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in +precipitate haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, +that the gentleman they had just left had surprised him +unprecedentedly, and that he was very much put out by it.</p> + <p>"Mr. JOHN BUMSTEAD, sir," explained the Judge, "is almost +beside himself at the double loss he has sustained, and I think that +the sight of your cane, there, maddened him with the memory it revived."</p> + <p>"Why," exclaimed the gentleman of the hair, staring in wonder, +"you don't mean to tell me that my cane looks at all like his nephew?"</p> + <p>"It looks a little like the stick of his umbrella, which he +lost at the same time," was the grave answer.</p> + <p>After walking on in thoughtful silence for a while, as though +deeply pondering the striking character of a man whose great nature +could thus at once unite the bereaved uncle with the sincere mourner +for the dumb friend of his rainier days, Mr. TRACEY CLEWS asked whether +suspicion yet pointed to any one?</p> + <p>Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a +certain person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in +sufficient amount to justify the exertions of police officials having +families to support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as +it was not exactly certain that the abstraction of an umbrella by +unknown parties would justify the criminal prosecution of a person for +having in his possession an Indian Club:—in view of all these +complicated circumstances, the law did not feel itself authorized to +execute any assassin at present.</p> + <p>"And here we are, sir, at last, near our Ritualistic Church," +continued Judge SWEENEY, "where we stand up for the Rite so much that +strangers sometimes complain of it as fatiguing. Upon that monument +yonder, in the graveyard, you may find the epitaph I have mentioned. +What is more, here comes a rather interesting local character of ours, +who cut the inscription and put up the monument."</p> + <p>Mr. MCLAUGHLIN came shuffling up the road as he spoke, +followed in the distance by the inevitable SMALLEY and a shower of +promiscuous stones.</p> + <p>"Here, you boy!" roared Judge SWEENEY, beckoning the amiable +child to him with a bit of small money, "aim at <i>all</i> of us—do +you hear?—and see that you don't hit any windows. And now, MCLAUGHLIN, +how do you do? Here is a gentleman spending the summer with us, who +would like to know you."</p> + <p>Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to +him, with undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the +gentleman would come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle +with him, he would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way +of a further acquaintance.</p> + <p>"I shall certainly call upon you," assented Mr. CLEWS, "if our +young friend, the stone-thrower, will accept a trifle to show me the +way."</p> + <p>Before retiring to his bed that night, the same Mr. TRACEY +CLEWS took off his hair and beard, examined them closely, and then +broke into a strange smile. "No wonder they all looked at me so!" he +soliloquized, "for I did have my locks on the topside backmost, and my +whiskers turned the wrong way. However, for a dead-beat, with all his +imperfections on his head, I've formed a pretty large acquaintance for +one day."<a name="FNanchor2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2"><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor1">[1]</a></p> + <blockquote> "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its +nearest native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, +variously, according to circumstances, a successful American +politician; a wife's male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a +newspaper, a New York detective policeman; any person who is uncommonly +pleasant with people, while never asking them to take anything with +him; a pious boarder; a French revolutionist. </blockquote> + <p><a name="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor2">[2]</a></p> + <blockquote> In both conception and execution, the original of +the above Chapter, in Mr. DICKENS's work, is, perhaps, the least +felicitous page of fiction ever penned by the great novelist; and, as +this Adaptation is in no wise intended as a burlesque, or caricature, +of the <i>style</i> at the original, (but rather as a conscientious +imitation of it, so far as practicable,) the Adapter has not allowed +himself that license of humor which, in the most comically effective +treatment of said Chapter, might bear the appearance of such an +intention. </blockquote> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/04.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE"> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Patchouli.</i>—What is the substance which enables flies to +adhere to the ceiling? <i>Answer.</i>—Ceiling wax.</p> + <p><i>Rosalie.</i>—What is the meaning of the term "suspended +animation?" <i>Answer.</i>—If you remain at any fashionable +watering-place after the close of the season you'll find out.</p> + <p><i>Zanesvillian.</i>—Your pronunciation of the French word <i>bois</i> +is incorrect, else you could not have fallen into the blunder of +supposing that the Bois de Boulogne and the Bois de Vincennes are <i>gamins</i> +of Paris.</p> + <p><i>Blunderbore.</i>—Your suggestion is ingenious, but the +refined sentiment of cruelty revealed in it is deserving of the +severest censure. It is true that the introduction of German cookery +into France by the Prussians, as you propose, would in a short time +decimate the population, but what a fearful precedent it would be! You +can best realize it by imagining Massachusetts cookery introduced into +New York, and the consequent desolation of her purliens.</p> + <p><i>Mrs. Gamp.</i>—No; neither the French nor the Prussians are +armed with air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those +distracting war reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so +conspicuously.</p> + <p><i>R.G.W.</i>—What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which +occurs in the Shaksperean drama? <i>Answer.</i>—Some trace it to Ben +Zine, an inflammable friend of "ancient Pistol's." It is far more +probable, however, that the word was originally written "Bazainian," +and was merely prophetic of the well-known epithet now bestowed by +Prussian soldiers on the French troops serving under BAZAINE.</p> + <p><i>Earl Russel</i>—In reply to your question as to whether the +thumb nail of HOGARTH on which he made his traditional sketch of a +drunken man, is now in an American collection, we can only state that, +of course, it once formed a leading object of interest in BARNUM'S +Museum. As that building was destroyed by fire in 1865, however, it is +to be presumed that the HOGARTH nail perished with all the other nails, +or was sold with them, as "junk."</p> + <p><i>Invalid.</i>—To regain strength you should take means to +increase the amount of iron in your blood. Bark will do it, which +accounts for the fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of +iron. Here in New York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood +is to have a knife run into you by the hand of an assassin; but this is +not considered favorable to longevity.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE ROMANCE OF A RICH YOUNG MAN.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/05.jpg" align="left" alt="I">t happened, once +upon a time, that there was a great city, and that city, being devoid +of a sensation, yearned for a great man. Then the wise men of the city +began to look around, when lo! there entered through the gates of the +city a certain peddler from a foreign country, which is called Yankee +Land, and behold! the great man was found. He dealt in shekels and +stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became like unto a golden +calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and worshipped him. Now it +happened that at first, like all great men, he was misunderstood, and +the people ascribed his success to his partner, so that everybody said,</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The +name is but the guinea's stamp,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The man's a GOULD for all that;</span> + </div> + <p>but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name +of JEAMES PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth.</p> + <p>Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called +DEDREW, who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad +corporation called the Eareye, because, while it was much in +everybody's ear, no one could see anything of it or its dividends. So +JEAMES PHYSKE went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your +servant is as full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray +you, your chief adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW +smiled upon him, as he is wont to do, and finding that he was a +stranger, he took him in, and knowing that all were fish which came +unto his net, he straightway put him in the high places in Eareye, +saying unto himself, "I will take this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE +sat high in Eareye. But it came to pass very soon thereafter, that +DEDREW and PHYSKE fell out, some say about the division of the spoils +which they had taken from the enemy, which, being interpreted, is the +people, while others do state that DEDREW attempted to cut the wool +from PHYSKE, but that it stuck so tightly that PHYSKE caught him. +Anyhow, it came to pass, very soon, that DEDREW was sitting on the +outside steps of Eareye, and PHYSKE was sitting on DEDREW'S throne.</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did +multiply it manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it +happened that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion +on the street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have +foreign singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is +called the fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big +fiddle, and upon sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and +upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE looked upon the mansion, and +it seemed good in his eyes, and he said unto PYKE, "Sell me now your +mansion." And PYKE did sell unto him the mansion, and the foreign +singers and dancers, and the players upon the violin, which is called +the fiddle, and the players upon the big fiddle, and the players upon +the drums, and the players upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE +forthwith built himself a throne there, and did make the mansion the +palace of Eareye. And he would sit upon his throne and view the foreign +singers and dancers, and the players upon divers instruments, and would +much applaud, when his foreign dancers did dance a certain dance, +wherein the toe is placed upon the forehead, and which is called the <i>cancan</i>. +And all the people came and worshipped him, him and his foreign singers +and dancers, and players upon divers instruments, and his great +diamond. And PHYSKE was called Prince Eareye.</p> + <p>Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the +ocean; so he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to +the foreign land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a +goodly number of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy +him a coat of many colors, and did stand upon the landing place, which +is called the dock, and the players upon divers instruments did play, +"Hail to the Chief," and all the people did shout, "Hurrah for Admiral +PHYSKE, Prince of Eareye!" for he was of a noble stature, being four +hands wider than his fellows.</p> + <p>Now it came to pass that divers envious persons did institute +certain troublesome actions, which are called suits, against him, and +did endeavor to drive him from the land, but PHYSKE took a field and +went before a barnyard, and did rout these envious persons, and did +smite them on the hip, which, being interpreted, is that he dismissed +their suits, and did smite them on the thigh, which, being interpreted, +is, did make them pay costs. But the field and the barnyard were much +employed.</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in +shekels, and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us +whether those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, +nay, let us buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers +persons, dealers in shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and +were all of one accord. Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto +him nay, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons did buy much gold. Now +it happened that those in high places did sell gold, and PHYSKE and the +divers other persons were sore afraid, and did fall upon each other's +necks and did weep. But PHYSKE straightway recovered and said unto +them, "Lo, if I do murder and the doctor say that I was insane, am I +not forthwith discharged?" and they said unto him, "It is even so." +Then said he unto them, "Let us send our broker into the board, so that +he shall act like an insane man, and can we be held for an insane man's +purchases?" And they were filled with great rejoicing. And the broker +did go into the board, and did act like an insane man, and PHYSKE and +divers other persons did retain their shekels. And it was Friday when +they did these things, and when they had done them they laughed until +they were black in their faces, and the day—is it not called Black +Friday?</p> + <p>Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other +roads, and waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was +much interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for +all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings—can they +not be found in the pages of "It shines for all," which, being +interpreted, is the Moon, and are they not preserved there for two +centuries?</p> + <p>And then it came to pass that PHYSKE sat himself down and +sighed because there were no more worlds to conquer. But straightway he +resolved to become a Colonel. So certain persons endeavored to make him +commander of the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, +which is Brains, ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers +said unto each other, "Is it not better that we should have body than +brains, and had we not better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So +they deposed Brains and chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. +And he straightway submitted them to twelve temptations. Now it +happened, that, as he was marching at the head of his soldiers in the +place wherein these twelve temptations are kept, a certain servant of +one Mammon did serve upon him a paper, which is called a summons, and +did command him to pay for his butter. At which PHYSKE was much enraged +and did wax wroth. And thereupon he did march and countermarch his +soldiers many times. And he ordered another coat of many colors, and +lo! in all Chatham Street there was not cloth enough to make it, so +they brought it from a foreign land. And it came to pass that he and +the centurion, which is Brains—for should not body and brains work +together?—did march the soldiers down the street which is called +Broadway, and did take them to the Branch which is called Long, and +there did divers curious things, all which are they not found in the +paper, "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon?</p> + <p>Now it happened that one HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, +did fall upon PHYSKE and did berate him in a paper, which is called the + <i>Try Buin</i>. And PHYSKE became very wroth and did stop the +sale of the paper, which is called the <i>Try Buin</i>, upon his +roads. And HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did +fall straightway upon his knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has +sinned! I pray thee forgive him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," +which, being interpreted, is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch +you at it again."</p> + <p>And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but +are they not written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines +for all," which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who +runs, read them there?</p> + <p>LOT.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>From the Spirit of Lindley Murray.</b></p> + <p>When is a schoolboy like an event that has happened? When he +has come to parse.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacations</b>.</p> + <p>Vain heading! This paper is not intended to communicate +anything about a vacation. "Would that it were! says Mr. PUNCHINELLO, +from the bottom of his heart.</p> + <p>Last week Mr. P. intended going to the White Mountains.</p> + <p>But he didn't go.</p> + <p>On his way to the Twenty-third Street depot, he met the Count +JOANNES.</p> + <p>"Ah ha! my noble friend!" said the latter. ""Whither away"?"</p> + <p>Mr. P. explained whither he was away; and was amazed to see +the singular expression which instantly spread itself over the +countenance of his noble friend.</p> + <p>"To the "White Mountains!"cried the Count," why, my good +fellow, what are you thinking of? Do you not know that this is +September?"</p> + <p>"Certainly I do,"said Mr. P." I know that this is the season +when Nature revels in her richest hues, and Aurora gilds the fairest +landscape; when the rays of glorious old Sol are tempered by the soft +caresses of the balmiest zephyrs, and—"</p> + <p>"Oh, certainly! certainly!" cried the Count, "I have no doubt +of it; not the least bit in the world. In fact, I have been in those +places myself when a boy, and I know all about it. But let me tell you, +sir, as <i>amicus curiae</i>, (and I assure you that I have often been + <i>amicus curiae</i> before,) that society will not tolerate +anything of this kind on your part, sir. The skies in the country may +be bluest at this season, sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most +gorgeous, and accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, +but it will not do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a +manner to society, and society will never forgive him for going into +the country after the season is over. As <i>amicus curiae</i>—"</p> + <p>"<i>Amicus</i> your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does +society know about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for +enjoying them?"</p> + <p>"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing +his sword a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again +with: clanging sound. "And representing society, as I do in my proper +person here, sir, I say that any man who would go into the country in +the latter part of September is a---"</p> + <p>"A what, sir?" said Mr. P., nervously fingering his umbrella.</p> + <img src="images/06a.jpg" align="right" alt=""> + <p>"Yes, sir, he is, sir!"</p> + <p>"Do you say that, sir?"</p> + <p>"In your teeth, sir!"</p> + <p>"'Tis false, sir!"</p> + <p>"What, sir?"</p> + <p>"Just so, sir!"</p> + <p>"To me, sir?"</p> + <p>"To you, sir!"</p> + <p>The Count JOANNES drew his sword.</p> + <p>Mr. P. stood <i>en garde</i>.</p> + <p>Just at this moment the Greenwich Street Cordwainers' Target +Association, preceded by one half the whole body of Metropolitan +Police, approached the spot. The Target Society were out on a street +parade, and the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all +vehicles and foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the +business of a great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and +melancholy little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing +their utter ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of +firearms.</p> + <p>Perceiving this vast body of police, with Superintendent +JOURDAN at its head, advancing with measured tread upon them, the Count +sheathed his sword and Mr. P. shut up his deadly weapon.</p> + <p>Slowly and in opposite directions they withdrew from the +ground.</p> + <p>It was too late for Mr. P.'s train, and he returned to his +home. There, in the solitude of his private apartments, he came to the +conclusion that it would be useless to oppose the decrees of Society. +The idea that the Count, that worthy leader of the metropolitan <i>ton</i>, +had put into his head, was not to be treated contemptuously. He must +give up all the fruity richness of September, the royal glories of +October, and the delicious hazes of the Indian Summer, pack away his +fish-hooks and his pocket-flask, and stay in the city like the rest of +the fools.</p> + <img src="images/06b.jpg" align="left" alt=""> + <p>This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from +dreaming. He had a delightful dream that night, in which he found +himself sailing on Lake George; ascending Mount Washington; and +participating in the revelry of a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of +Kings and Queens and Suffolk Counties. As nearly as circumstances will +permit, he has endeavored to give an idea of his dream by means of the +following sketch.</p> + <p>Taken as a whole, Mr. P. is not desirous that this dream +should come true, but taken in parts he would have no objections to see +it fulfilled as soon as Society will permit.</p> + <p>Which will be, he supposes, about next July.</p> + <p>In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have +depended entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who +will now be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort +to go to some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the +fashionable season is over,—that is, if they think they can brave the +opinion of society. It may not be so pleasant to go to these places as +to read Mr. P.'s accounts of them, but it is the best that can be done.</p> + <p>The following little tail-piece will give a forcible idea of +how completely Mr. P. has given up, for the season, his field sports +and country pleasures. Copies may be obtained by placing a piece of +tracing-paper over the picture and following the lines with a +lead-pencil.</p> + <br> + <center> <img src="images/06c.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE</b>.</p> + <p>CANTO VI.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY +was a Welshman,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY was a thief,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">TAFFY came to my house and +stole a piece of beef.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I went to TAFFY'S house,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">TAFFY wasn't at home,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">TAFFY came to my house and +stole a mutton bone.</span> </div> + <p>It is not often that a poet descends to the discussion of +mundane affairs. His sphere of usefulness, oftentimes usefulness to +himself, only, lies among the roseate clouds of the morn, or the +spiritual essences of the cerulean regions, but, like other human +beings, he cannot live on the zephyr breeze, or on the moonbeams +flitting o'er the rippling stream. Such ethereal food is highly +unproductive of adipose tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any +other man. And our poet is no exception to the rule, for he well knew +that good digestible poetry can't be written on an empty stomach.</p> + <p>It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize +every opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so +happy as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers +tending to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself +perform.</p> + <p>But with our poet—and we have been exceptional in our +choice—he has always been backward in coming forward, and it was not +until he was touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make +himself heard, when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few +ills which flesh is heir to.</p> + <p>The opportune moment arrived.</p> + <p>He had been out since early dawn, gathering the dew from the +sweet-scented flower, or painting in liquid vowels the pleasant +calmness of the cow-pasture, or mayhap echoing with hie pencil's point +the well-noted strains of the Shanghai rooster, when the far-off +distant bell announced to him that he must finish his poetic pabulum, +and hurry home to something more in accordance with the science of +modern cookery.</p> + <p>He arrived and found his household in tumult. "Who's been here +since I've been gone?" sang he, in pathetic tones. And he heard in +mournful accents the answer, "TAFFY."</p> + <p>Could anything more melancholy have befallen our poet? He +could remember in childhood's merry days the old candy-woman, with her +plentiful store of brown sweetness long drawn out; and how himself and +companions spent many a pleasant hour teasing their little teeth with +the delicate morsels. Now his childhood's dreams vanished. He +remembered that</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"TAFFY +was a Welshman."</span> </div> + <p>And then, after a careful scrutiny of the larder, assisted by +the gratuitous services of his ever faithful feline friend, THOMAS, he +found the extent of his loss.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"TAFFY was a thief,"</span> </div> + <p>he now gave vent to passion, while anguish rent his soul. +TAFFY had been here, and made good his coming, although the good was +entirely on TAFFY'S side, for he walked off again with a piece of beef, +and was, even at this very moment, smacking his chops over its tender +fibres.</p> + <p>All his respect for TAFFY now vanished like the misty cloud +before the rays of the morning sun. He buckled on the armor of his +strength, departed for TAFFY'S house, determined to wreak his vengeance +thereon, and scatter TAFFY, limb for limb, throughout his own +corn-field. "Woe, woe to TAFFY," he muttered between his clenched +teeth. "I will make mincemeat of him; I will enclose him in sausage +skins, and will send him to that good man, KI YI SAMPSON."</p> + <p>Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at +TAFFY'S house, he was informed, with mocking smiles.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"TAFFY wasn't at home."</span> </div> + <p>Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.—All +dashed to the ground by one foul scathing blow.</p> + <p>But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you +waited, but we will tell you now. TAFFY liked beef; liked it as no +other human liked it, for he could eat it raw. And when, foraging +around the village, he found a nice piece at the poet's house, his +carnivorous proclivities induced him to steal it, and, with it under +his arm, hurried off to the nearest barn, and there rapidly devoured +it. This only seemed to give him an appetite. He went foraging again, +but this time only picked up a mutton-bone. "The nearer the bone, the +sweeter the meat," cried TAFFY, and with a flourish he hastened to his +hiding place, while the poor poet, disconsolate in his first loss, +returned home only to find a second; and the culprit was still free.</p> + <p>Ah! my kind reader, here was a deep cut to our poet. "Who +would care for mother now?" he sang, for all the meat was gone. Home +was no longer the dearest spot on earth to him, since it was rudely +desecrated by the hands of TAFFY—of DAVID, the Welshman.</p> + <p>Poor poet! Cruel TAFFY!</p> + <p>Let me draw the curtain of popular sympathy over the unhappy +household. The poet has told his story in words which will never die; +and he has proclaimed the infamy of TAFFY to the uttermost corners of +the earth.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Sweeping Reform</b>.</p> + <p>The world moves. There is a chiropodist now travelling in the +East who removes excrescences of the feet simply by sweeping them away +with a corn broom. When last heard of he was at Alexandria, and there +is no corn in Egypt, now.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR EXPLOSIVES</b>.</p> + <p>What between nitroglycerine, kerosene, and ordinary gas, New +York city has, for years.past, been admirably provided with explosives. +Now we have to add gasoline to the interesting catalogue of +inflammables. What gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, +as it knocked several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days +since, it must be something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have +been safer for Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the +present dearth of public amusements, these jolly explosives—gasoline, +dualine, nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,—come in very well to +create a sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen +keep them in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well +as Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Aggravating</b>.</p> + <p>The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now +announced that the Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Anna-Tom-ical</b>.</p> + <p>"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists +upon it that he still feels pain in the arm and fingers."—(Daily Paper.)</p> + <p>This is strange, certainly, but not more so than the statement +of our young man, TOM, who affirms that, having had his arm around +ANNA'S waist some three weeks ago, he still feels the most bewitching +sensations in that arm. Who can explain these things?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><i style="font-weight: bold;">Prussicos odi, puer, apparatus</i><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,</span>—as old NAP said to young NAP,<br> +when the Teutonic bullets flew about them at Saarbruck.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/07.jpg" alt=""> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT IS +CORRECT, BUT THIS IS PUNCHINELLO'S IDEA OF THE CHASSE POT.</span></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A FACT FROM LAKE SUPERIOR.</b></p> + <p><i>Shipwrecked Cockney</i>.—"I SAY, CAPTAIN, ARE THERE ANY +BEARS ABOUT HERE? I'VE COME PREPARED FOR A LITTLE SPORT, YOU KNOW."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE CHARGE OF THE NINTH BRIGADE</b>.</p> + <p>"Col. FISK, Jr., marched his men up to the Continental +Bar-room this evening and gave them a <i>carte blanche</i> order for +drinks."—<i>Special to morning paper</i>.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half +asleep, half asleep,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Half asleep, onward</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the bar-room bright</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Strode the Six Hundred:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Forward the Ninth Brigade!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Charge this to me," he said.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the bar-room, then</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rushed the Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Topers to right of them.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Topers to left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Old sots in front of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Parleyed and wondered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yet into line they fell,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Boldly they drank, and well</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the jaws of each,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Into the mouth of all,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Drinks went, Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Flashed the big diamond there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Flashed as its owner square</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Treated his soldiers there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Charging a bar-room, while</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All the "beats" wondered.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Choked with tobacco smoke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Straight for the door they broke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Pushing and rushing,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Reeled from the Bourbon stroke,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Shattered and sundered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Thus they went back—they did—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">On the Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Whiskey to right of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Cocktails to left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Popping corks after them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Volleyed and thundered,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Many a hero fell.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Tho' some did stand it well,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Those that were left of them,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Left of Six Hundred.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a bill was paid,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a noise they made,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All Long Branch wondered;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Oh! what a noise they made,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They of the Ninth Brigade,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Jolly Six Hundred!</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Sun-burst</b>.</p> + <p>The <i>Sun</i> regretfully announces that PUNCHINELLO is +about to "give up the ghost." PUNCHINELLO begs to assure the Sun that +he doesn't keep a ghost; though, at the same time, the mistake was a +natural one enough to emanate from Mr. C. A. (D. B.) DANA, who keeps a +REAL ghost in his closet.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A. Natural Mistake</b>.</p> + <p>An advertisement from the establishment of Messrs. A. T. +STEWART & Co., announces, among other things, that they have opened +a "MADDER PRINT."</p> + <p>At first sight we supposed that the firm in question had begun +publishing a paper in opposition to the Sun, and that it was to be, if +possible, a madder print than that luminary, for the purpose of cutting +it out. Further reflection convinced us, however, that the "print" in +question was connected with the subject of dry goods, only.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Very Small Beer</b>.</p> + <p>Newspaper items state that the editor of the Winterset (Iowa,) + <i>Sun</i>, is, probably, the smallest editor in the the world." +Surely the editor of the New York Sun must be the one meant.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"Well I'm Blowed!"</b></p> + <p>As the <i>omelette soufflée</i> said to the cook.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>AT THE SARATOGA CONVENTION.</b></p> + <p><i>Horace Greeley, (to Roscoe Conkling.)</i> "DON'T BE RASH, +NOW REMEMBER THAT A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH."</p> + <p><i>Roscoe Conkling</i>. "LET US HAVE PEACE, BY ALL MEANS: BUT +IF THAT FELLOW REUBE FENTON INTERFERES WITH ME, HE HAD BETTER LOOK OUT +THAT I DON'T SMASH HIS SLATE."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON.</p> + <p>Napoleon I and Napoleon III—Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to +Overcome.</p> + <p>SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT,</p> + <p><i>Orgust—, 18-Seventy.</i></p> + <p>FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which +I rote to your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, +that maybe you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as +not our "Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble +up your male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I +now take my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle +Rock oyster, and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same +blessin. Numerous changes have taken place since your <i>grand invasion</i> +of German sile.</p> + <p>It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save +you a long jerney to fite them.</p> + <p>Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home +for a little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own +country, and enjoy the fun.</p> + <p>A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall +fiddlin' when Rome was burnin'.</p> + <p>While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around +you (?) my advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Hang +up your fiddle and your bow,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lay down your shovel and the hoe.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where the woodbine twineth</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">There's a place for Unkle LEW,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">With UGEENY and little LEWIS for +to go."</span> </div> + <p>The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful.</p> + <p>It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble +Pea-cracker, to see how you've been lickt.</p> + <p>You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of +your grate unkle has passed into the hands of some other family.</p> + <p>The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, +altho' I don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny +haint on any of the war maps.</p> + <p>I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the +program, that when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as +the champion Black-eyed man of Urope.</p> + <p>Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle +loominary which; Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his +pome of "Shoo-fly."</p> + <p>It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the +Sun has nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite.</p> + <p>Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose +eclips has been visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can +be seen without usin' smoked glass.</p> + <p>I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for +Nancy, that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go.</p> + <p>When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success.</p> + <p>Empires—Kingdoms—Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first +train and skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their +territory.</p> + <p>The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, +and commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and +sellin' the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at +that, which may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo +Offisers, who, as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she +stabbed Lord Byron, "are all <i>honorable</i> men."</p> + <p>Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. +scatter a few buckets of tear drops.</p> + <p>Said your Unkle:</p> + <p>"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. +I belong, body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be +perpetuated. You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another +bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer."</p> + <p>He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and +married MARIAR LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out +institootion, employin' his time walkin' <i>in solo</i> with his hands +behind him, gazin' intently on the toes of his butes, and wonderin' if +they was the same ones which had histed so many roolers off of their +thrones.</p> + <p>In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I +understand, is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness.</p> + <p>The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but +let an old statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything."</p> + <p>Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap +to fite agin. I tried it once.</p> + <p>A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years +since, for a target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box +of sardeens for refreshments.</p> + <p>I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve +the peece.</p> + <p>Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few +mugs. I woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul +regiment of Dutch soljers on general trainin' day.</p> + <p>It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on +rather too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her +that I was boss of the ranch.</p> + <p>Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the +kitchen as bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th.</p> + <p>"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her +pan of dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) +tode the mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any +more of yer (hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like +a (hic!) man, in the futer?"</p> + <p>I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it +on a fly with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my +wife I was in earnest in what I said.</p> + <p>Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large +bag with a lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could +also distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract +for thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, +and somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes.</p> + <p>I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips—hair and panterloon +buttons rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close.</p> + <p>When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company +had been usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's +eye.</p> + <p>I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck +agin Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. +WARD BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had +got in.</p> + <p>When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro.</p> + <p>Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I +think I can get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your +$115.00 a month, provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew.</p> + <p>This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities +of the world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything +cold in apt to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk.</p> + <p>Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern +wisdom by cultivatin' my acquaintance—and with kind regards to UGEEN +and bub BONYPART, in your native tung I will say:</p> + <p><i>Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker.</i></p> + <p>Ewer'n, one and onseperable,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bunsby's War Paint.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Napoleon's +chances are not great</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If German facts are true;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But if he finds not Paris Green</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Hell make the Prussian Blue.</span> + </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Remark by a Bandsman.</b></p> + <p>Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but +now, considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it +appears to be superseded by the Off I Glide.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Music of the Future.</b></p> + <p>Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way +of the performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few +Sure enough.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Relic of the Past.</b></p> + <p>The following item is taken from a daily paper:</p> + <p>"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the +Passy theatre lately."</p> + <p>There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is +meant for <i>passée</i>.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>PRECOCIOUS.</b></p> + <p>LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY +THE RIGHT TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>"Well, you know, Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, this is how CHARLEY +DANY and me cum to hev our fallin' out. We was boys together, was +CHARLEY and me, and went to the same school. CHARLEY were a likely lad +there; never given to spilin' the faces of t'other boys nor splashin' +mud on their clothes. Oh! but hasn't he gone back on them good old +times. I wouldn't hev' believed it, CHARLEY, no I wouldn't.</p> + <p>But, as I was sayin', he were a likely lad; studyin' hard, and +often tellin' me how he would one day come out at the head of the heap, +gradooatin' before the Squire's son, JACK BALDERBACK. Just about this +time I was tuk with the measles, and father died, and SALLIE got +married, and the old woman said to me:</p> + <p>"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. +I never went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years +gone now, 'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he +tuk onto business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how +things went well with him, and how he got up, up, up, till the ladder +wasn't big enough and he couldn't climb no higher. Folks said he was +into the war; but I didn't believe 'em. CHARLEY was a peace man, I +knowed that. Arterwards, howsumever, it cum out that it was the War +Office he was into, and not the war; and says I to myself, "EPHRAIM," +says I, "didn't I tell you so; and tell them so, and war'nt I right? I +calkilate they won't go back no more on what I says about CHARLEY DANY."</p> + <p>Well, dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, I was one day readin' of your +paper, and I comes onto sumthin' about sumbody, which it was as I spell +it, "CHARLES A. DANA," how he was a cuttin' up shines, and how you was +a pokin' fun and hard things at him.</p> + <p>I larfed right out.</p> + <p>"That's smart," says I, "Yes, that's smart; but it ain't onto <i>my</i> +CHARLEY. He ain't stuck up nor nothing of that sort. He is as innocent +as gooseberries, is the CHARLEY DANY I know;" and arterwards I thought +no more about it, till I cum on to New York for to look into the cattle +business, and see how things was shapin for trade this winter.</p> + <p>I put up to the St. Nikkleas. Well, I allers larf when I think +of it. Here was an Irishman tuk my bag, slung it behind him, and says +he to me—"Foller me, if you please, sir." I follered accordin'.</p> + <p>I've clumb some pretty tall hills in my day, Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, +but that 'ere gettin' up them stairs jest switches the rag off of all +on 'em. I broke down. Then he tuk me to a heister, and landed us next +to the roof. I was too pegged out to wash or fix, so I flung off my +cowhides, jumped onto the bed and slept clean through till next day. In +the mornin' I rigged up, went down stairs, and asked the clerk if he +would be kind enough to pint out to me where I might see CHARLEY DANY. +He sort o' smiled like, and said I would find him at the <i>Sun</i> +office. I paid two dollars for a kab to take me down, which it did till +we stopped afore a big yaller house, with a big board stuck up agin it +havin' these words:</p> + <table border="1" cellpadding="10" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"EXTRA +SUN!!!</span><br> + <br> +ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL.<br> +FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES.<br> +INTERESTING CHAPTER OF FAMILY SECRETS.<br> +WHO IS SHE AND WHY DID SHE DO IT?<br> +GENERAL GRANT BUYS A SKYE TERRIER!<br> +PARTICULARS OF THE SALE!!<br> +GENEALOGY OF THE DOG!!!<br> +SECRETARY FISH BOBBING FOR SPANISH EELS,<br> +HE IS CAUGHT BY THE GILLS.<br> +THE MINION OF SPANISH TYRANNY IN DISTRESS.<br> +KITCHEN COUNCILS IN FIFTH AVENUE.<br> +NOTES BY OUR KEYHOLE REPORTER.<br> +BABY FOUND IN THE PRIVATE OFFICE OF A<br> +LEADING EDITOR.<br> +WHOSE IS IT AND HOW DID IT COME THERE?<br> +INTERESTING DISCLOSURES OF A PROMINENT<br> +MERCHANT'S LIFE!!!<br> +FOR FULL DETAILS SEE EXTRA SUN, PRICE<br> +TWO CENTS!"<br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p>"Wonder if CHARLEY writ all that 'ere," says I, inwardly, +inquirin' of a boy where Mr. DANY'S particular holdin' out place might +be, and givin' him three cents to show me the way. Drawin' a quick +breath, I knocked at the door. "Come in," says a peskish voice. I cum +in, and there, sure enough, with nose close down to the desk, a writin' +away for dear life, sat CHARLEY. I knowed him to onc't, for all he was +a little oldish, and a little grayish, and had a bare spot like a +turtle's back on the top of his head. My heart cum' a bustin' up into +my throat, and an inward voice seemed to say:</p> + <p>"Do it now EPHRAIM, do it now, while the feeling is onto you." +Jest then he looked up, and I bust forth: "Oh, CHARLEY! CHARLEY! its a +long time sin' we met, CHARLEY. Don't you know me? Don't you remember +little EPH ECKELS? Oh! CHARLEY, CHARLEY, give us a grip of your knob, +old hunk"—and I slewed over towards him for to shake hands when he +suddenly drawed back, kinder gloomy like, putting down his pen and +chewing his gums sort of swagewise. as he said:</p> + <p>"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant +Secretary of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at +present Chief Editor of the New York <i>Sun</i>, price two cents. +There is no individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old +Hunk," and, as I perceive, sir, that there is a most infernal smell of +cow yards about your raiment, and the effluvia arising thence is +becoming insupportable, I would thank you to get out of this apartment +double quick, and I suggest for the sake of others who may be +unfortunately brought into contact with you, that my friend the Hon. +WILLIAM MANHATTAN TWEED has recently established public baths where +such creatures as you may undergo purification before venturing into +the presence of gentlemen."</p> + <p>It was CHARLEY who spoke it; Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, there is no +doubt about that; but the CHARLEY that I knew has been dead sin' that +day. Yours in memory-moram,</p> + <p>EPHRAIM ECKELS.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Horrors of War.</b></p> + <p>Much has been said about the Prussian "demonstrations" at +Strasbourg. If half what we hear of Prussian vandalism as displayed at +the siege of Strasbourg is true, "Demonstration" is a very appropriate +term for the thing.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OLIVE LOGAN.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt="W">e have no +authentic record of the date of this fair syren's birth. It is +popularly supposed, however, that she was contemporaneous with +POCAHONTAS. POKY (as she was playfully called by her playmates at +boarding-school) is now dead. LOGY (another playful appellation of the +gushing miss alluded to) is still Olive.</p> + <p>We do not, however, credit the legend above cited. Also, we do +not credit the equally absurd and unreasonable story that our girlish +gusher is a daughter of a negro preacher named LOGUEN. We look upon +this as a colorless aspersion of our subject's fair fame, and we +therefore feel called upon to politely but furiously hurl it back in +the teeth of its degraded and offensive inventor. Things are come +indeed to a pretty pass when a lady of Miss LOGAN'S position may have +her good name blackened (not to say sooted) by associating it with that +of a preacher. Besides, LOGUEN was himself born in 1800, and is +therefore only seventy years old. These things are not to be borne.</p> + <p>Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is +reliable. We have our information from the lips of an aunt of the +Honorable HORATIUS GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and +wrung the confession from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, +we need not say, is incapable of telling a lie.</p> + <p>At the early age of six weeks our illustrious victim made her +first appearance as a public speaker. This was at Faneuil Hall, Boston. +She was supported on that memorable occasion by a young and fascinating +lady by the name of ANTHONY (SUSAN.) SUSIE prophesied then, it will be +remembered, that the fair oratress would yet live to be President of +the United States and Canadas. Miss LOGAN, with her customary modesty, +declined to view the mysterious future in that puerile light, +gracefully suggesting, amid a brilliant outburst of puns, metaphors and +amusing anecdotes, that SUSIE distorted the facts. Miss ANTHONY, under +a mistaken impression that this referred to her peculiar mode of +keeping accounts, offered, with a wild shriek of despair and disgust, +to exhibit her books to an unprejudiced committee of her own sex, with +WENDELL PHILLIPS as chairwoman. (There is manifest inaccuracy in this +account, though, inasmuch as Mr. PHILLIPS was not yet born, at that +time; but we of course give the story as it is related to us by +eye-witnesses.) Mr. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, who was in the audience, rose +and said that Miss ANTHONY'S explanation was entirely sufficient, and +that she might now take her seat. The lecturer then proceeded to +discuss her subject, "Girls." She said—</p> + <p>However, this is not a newspaper report, is it?</p> + <p>Soon after this, Louis PHILLIPPE invited Miss LOGAN to visit +Paris. He represented that he should consider it an honor at any time +to welcome the beautiful demoiselle to the palace of the Tuileries. He +remarked in a postscript that his dinner hour was twelve o'clock, noon, +sharp, and that his hired man had instructions to pass Miss LOGAN at +any time. Accordingly, our syren departed hungrily for the capital of +the French. Her career in Paris is well known to every mere ordinary +schoolboy: therefore, wherefore dwell? Madame DE STAEL'S dressmaker +called on her. A committee of strong-minded milliners solicited the +honor of her acquaintance. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN proposed an alliance +with her for the purpose of hurling imperial jackassery from its +tottering throne. Other honors were conferred on her.</p> + <p>Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more +resumed her career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career +has been, does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in +14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and +California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's +Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, +and lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on +the enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, +before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their +feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated +aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said +to be worth $250.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + <p>Genna, Corvus.—The Common Crow.</p> + <p>This Ravenous bird abounds in all temperate regions, and is a +fowl of sober aspect, although a Rogue in Grain. Crows, like +time-serving politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency +in the art of Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical +Spoilsmen denounced by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt +the battle-field with the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a +much more certain method of making themselves acquainted with the +Organization of military Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who +Pick the Brains of fugitives from the field for their information. In +time of peace the Crow leads a comparatively quiet life, and it is no +novel thing to see him walking in the fields devouring with great +apparent interest the Yellow-Covered Cereals. Agriculturists have +strong prejudices against the species, and allege, not without reason, +that large Crow Crops indicate diminished harvests. The most persistent +enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, which attacks it on the wing +with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to show the White Feather.</p> + <p>This variety of the genus <i>corvus</i> was well known to the +ancients. Those solemn Bores, the Latin augurs, were in the habit of +foretelling the triumph or downfall of the Roman Eagles by the flight +of Crows, and St. PETER was once convicted of three breaches of +veracity by a Crow. The bird has also been the theme of song—the +carnivorous exploits of three of the species having been repeatedly +chanted by popular Minstrels.</p> + <p>A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater—but +that's a fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a +Mite for Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this +rapacious creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human +subject, it relishes the <i>cheval mort</i>. During the late war, our +government, with exemplary liberality, purchased thousands of horses to +feed the Southern Crows. The consequence was that our Cavalry Charges +were tremendous.</p> + <p>The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is +nevertheless an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in +flocks, and the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of +the Country, but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. +Naturalists do not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who + <i>can</i> eat crow, but nobody hankers after it. The story of +the man who "swallowed three black crows" lacks confirmation. Looking +at the whole tribe from a Ration-al point of view, however, we have no +hesitation in pronouncing them excellent food—for powder. In this +category may be included the copper-colored Crows on our Western +frontier.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE CHURCH MILITANT.</b></p> + <p>That Brooklyn is a City of Churches has long been known to +people of average intelligence. The following item, however, taken from +a daily paper, is very suggestive of the old saying, "The nearer the +church," etc.</p> + <p>"JOHN BEATY bit off WM. HARPER'S face in April last, at a +church fight in Brooklyn, and then went to sea. Last night he came +back, and was arrested by officer Fox, who will take him before Justice +WALSH to-day. HARPER is disfigured for life."</p> + <p>The matter-of-fact way in which the expression, "a church +fight" is used by the writer of the above item, seems to indicate that +tabernacular conflicts are rather the rule than the exception in +"deeply religious" Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, +that theological controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the +extent of "putting a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears +that biting his face off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER +is disfigured for life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends +altogether on what sort of looking man he was previous to the removal +of his features by means of a dental apparatus.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/14.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE "STERN PARENT.</b></p> + <p><i>Daughter</i> "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH +OF THE CLOSE OF THE SERMON."</p> + <p><i>Father</i>. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES +OF THE CONGREGATION."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WAR.</b></p> + <p>It is with feeling of intense satisfaction and self +complacency, that Mr. PUNCHINELLO submits to his readers the following +despatches relative to the Great Railroad War, which have been +collected at a fabulous cost, by a large corps of reporters and +correspondents specially detailed for the purpose.</p> + <p>WAR DECLARED!</p> + <p>ERIE PALACE.—It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has +for some time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the +Central, will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, +assisted by twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in +drawing up a formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The +Erie Galop and FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length +portrait of Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and +are vociferously re-demanded. Every member of the Ninth has been +notified to hold himself in readiness to turn out at fifteen minutes' +notice.</p> + <p>LATER.</p> + <p>"Erie accepts the war which VANDERBILT proffers her." The +"Blonde Usher," accompanied by an extensive retinue of brother ushers, +will bear the gauge of battle to the Tyrant of the Central. He will +cast It boldly at VANDERBILT'S feet. It is announced that he will +proceed to his destination by way of the Eighth Avenue Car Line. The +reply of the Hudson River potentate is looked forward to with great +interest.</p> + <p>"CENTRAL" REPORTS.</p> + <p>VANDERBILT received the Declaration of War with seeming calm. +On the departure of the Erie Emissary, however, his fortitude forsook +him; he threw himself on the neck of a baggage porter and wept aloud. +At a late hour this evening a trusted agent left here for the <i>Tribune</i> +office. He is said to have held a long conference with Mr. GREELEY, the +particulars of which have not transpired. It is supposed by many to +portend an alliance, offensive and defensive, between the King of +Central and the Philosopher of Printing-House Square.</p> + <p>FROM ERIE.</p> + <p>Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 +team went to the front this morning. They are to be broken into the +turmoil of war by being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court +injunction. A Central spy, who was captured during the day, was +immediately tried by court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from +the flag-staff on top of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy +of the <i>Tribune</i> being tied to his feet, to add force to his fall +and curtail his sufferings. From legal documents found in his +possession, the wretched being is supposed to have been a minion of the +law. The Narragansett and Long Branch boats are being rapidly got ready +for active service. Their armament will consist of Parrott guns of +large calibre. FISK says that VANDERBILT will hear those Parrotts talk.</p> + <p>DESPATCHES FROM THE CENTRAL.</p> + <p>VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the +Erie forces. He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure +their lives for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on +parting, with a copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the <i>Tribune</i>, +which will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear.</p> + <p>ADVICES FROM ERIE.</p> + <p>VICTORY!—By a well executed movement the Narragansett fleet +under command of Admiral Fisk, have succeeded in cutting off the <i>Tribune's</i> +connection with Long Branch. A panic prevails in the <i>Tribune</i> +office. HORACE GREELEY threatens, in retaliation, to lecture on farming +along the route of the Erie Railway, to the ruin of the agricultural +interest of the district. A meeting of prominent farmers has been +convened to protest against this outrage, and a strong body of Erie +troops have been sent to prevent H.G.'s advance. It is proposed, in +case of attack, to illuminate the Erie Palace by means of Colonel +FISK'S big diamond, which, it is estimated, would prove more powerful +than a dozen calcium lights. If this should not be dazzling enough, it +is suggested that a glimpse of the Colonel's $5,000 uniform might have +the desired effect. Amongst the novel instruments of warfare which the +contest has given birth to, is a new ball projected by the Prince of +Erie. It will be given at Long Branch, and will, no doubt, be very +effective.</p> + <p>LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH.</p> + <p>As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, +an elderly man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of +the officers of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It +proved to be the sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt +collar, by means of which he no doubt hoped to avoid recognition. In +his travelling bag was found a tooth-brush and several copies of the <i>Tribune</i>. +Upon being tried and convicted of carrying contraband of war, he was +sentenced to give forthwith his reasons why J. C. BANCROFT DAVIS should +not be dismissed from his present office of Assistant Secretary of +State.</p> + <p>FROM SARATOGA.</p> + <p>The news of Mr. GREELEY'S capture has affected the Commodore +to such an extent as to stretch him on a bed of sickness. JAY GOULD is +reported marching on Saratoga with a strong force.</p> + <p>LATEST—PEACE!</p> + <p>Central has capitulated! Erie is victorious! To-day a treaty +is drawn up by which everybody is made happy except Mr. GREELEY, who, +it is stipulated, must feign total ignorance of farming whenever he +journeys by the Erie Railway.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + <p><b>The place to look for them</b>.</p> + <p><i>The Sun</i>, a few days ago, had an editorial article about +a reported theft of a box containing four large boa-constrictors. Might +not a search in the editorial boots disclose the whereabouts of the +missing reptiles?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>For the accommodation of Strangers have opened A large +and elegant assortment of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">DRESS GOODS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SILKS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Empress Cloths,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">SATINS DE CHINE,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW STYLE CLOAKINGS.</p> + <p><small>Paris and Domestic Made<br> +Suits Extremely cheap.</small></p> + <p>Children's elegantly embroidered <span + style="font-weight: bold;">CLOAKS, DRESSES, INFANTS' ROBES.</span></p> + <p>Paris Novelties in LADIES' BASQUES, SACQUES, &c.</p> + <p>A large assortment of Housekeeping Goods, CARPETS AND CURTAIN +MATERIALS, EMBROIDERED LACE AND MUSLIN CURTAINS, LADIES' UNDERWEAR AND +GENERAL OUTFITTING. HOSIERY.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Alexandra's Celebrated Kid Gloves.</p> + <p>Splendid quality and New Style Sash Ribbons, Sashes, Neckties, +Millinery, and Trimming Ribbons, &c.</p> + <p><small>The above have been received per recent steamers, and +will be offered At extremely attractive prices. Strangers visiting our +city are respectfully invited to examine.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Are offering, at about one-half the cost of +manufacture, a large lot of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Children's and Misses' Plain, Chine +and Plaid Poplin Suits,</p> + <p>Handsomely Trimmed,</p> + <p>Suitable for the present Season, $3 each, upwards.</p> + <p>Sizes to suit the ages of 3 to 12 years.</p> + <p><small>Also, the balance of their</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Linen, Lawn, and<br> +Barege Suits.</big></p> + <p>At exceedingly low prices.</p> + <p>The above specially deserves the attention of those visiting +out city.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. STEWART & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>have opened a large assortment of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PLAIN AND FANCY SILKS,</big></p> + <p>Suitable for Autumn,</p> + <p><small>From $1 per yard upward.</small></p> + <p><big>Also, a case of Very Rich Satin Brocatelles,</big></p> + <p>The choicest goods manufactured.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BONNET'S, PONSON'S AND<br> +A. T. STEWART & Co.'s</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PLAIN BLACK SILKS,</big></p> + <p><small>The handsomest goods imported.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>TRIMMINGS, SILKS<br> +AND SATINS.</big></p> + <p><small>In great variety,</small></p> + <p><small>Cut to suit customers.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>DIVORCES READY MADE.</b></p> + <p><i>Lawyer</i>—"A DIVORCE, MADAM?—CERTAINLY, BY ALL MEANS.<br> +BOY, GIVE THE LADY A DIVORCE."</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September +17, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + +***** This file should be named 10033-h.htm or 10033-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10033/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10033] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +Vol. I No. 25 + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. 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Box 2845] | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS | + | | + | The Best and Cheapest | + | | + | 256 Broadway | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats, C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31. will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson | + | and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in | + | connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at | + | Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 | + | from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XVIII + +A SUBTLE STRANGER. + +The latest transient guest at the Roach House--a hotel kept on the +entomological plan in Bumsteadville--was a gentleman of such lurid +aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be. +His enormous head of curled red hair not only presented a central +parting on top and a very much one-sided parting and puffing-out behind, +but actually covered both his ears; while his ruddy semi-circle of beard +curled inward, instead of out, and greatly surprised, if it did not +positively alarm, the looker-on, by appearing to remain perfectly +motionless, no matter how actively the stranger moved his jaws. This +ball of improbable inflammatory hair and totally independent face rested +in a basin of shirt collar; which, in its turn, was supported by a rusty +black necktie and a very loose suit of gritty alpaca; so that, taking +the gentleman for all in all, such an incredible human being had rarely +been seen outside of literary circles. + +"Landlord," said the stranger to the brown linen host of the Roach +House, who was intently gazing at him with the appreciative expression +of one who beholds a comic ghost,--"landlord, after you have finished +looking at my head and involuntarily opening your mouth at some +occasional peculiarity of my whiskers, I should like to have something +to eat. As you tell me that woodcock is not fit to eat this year, and +that broiled chicken is positively prohibited by the Board of Health in +consequence of the sickly season, you may bring me some pork and beans, +and some crackers. Bring plenty of crackers, landlord, for I'm uncommon +fond of crackers. By absorbing the superfluous moisture in the head, +they clear the brain and make it more subtle." + +Having been served with the wholesome country fare he had ordered, +together with a glass of the heady native wine called applejack, the +gentleman had but just moved a slice of pork from its bed in the beans, +when, with much interest, he closely inspected the spot of vegetables he +had uncovered, and expressed the belief that there was something alive +in it. + +"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst these beans +that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move." + +Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which gave him +an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the landlord +bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched the beans, and +thoughtfully scrutinized the living raisin. + +"As I thought, sir, it is only a water-bug," he observed, rescuing the +insect upon his thumb-nail. "You need not have been frightened, however, +for they never bite." + +Somewhat reassured, the stranger went on eating until his knife +encountered resistance in the secondary layer of beans; when he once +more inspected the dish, with marked agitation. + +"Can this be a skewer, down here?" inquired he, prodding at some hard, +springy object with his fork. + +The host of the Roach House bore both fork and object to a window, where +the light was less deceptive, and was presently able to announce +confidently that the object was only a hair-pin. Then, observing that +his guest looked curiously at a cracker, which, from the gravelly marks +on one side, seemed to have been dug out of the earth, like a potato, he +hastened to obviate all complaint in that line by carefully wiping every +individual cracker with his pocket handkerchief. + +"And now, landlord," said the stranger, at last, pulling a couple of +long, unidentified hairs from his mouth as he hurriedly retired from the +meal, "I suppose you are wondering who I am?" + +"Well, sir," was the frank answer, "I can't deny that there are points +about you to make a plain man like myself thoughtful. There's that about +your hair, sir, with the middle-parting on top and the side-parting +behind, to give a plain person the impression that your brain must be +slightly turned, and that, by rights, your face ought to be where your +neck is. Neither can I deny, sir, that the curling of your whiskers the +wrong way, and their peculiarity in remaining entirely still while your +mouth is going, are circumstances calculated to excite the liveliest +apprehensions of those who wish you well." + +"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may either +exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result of my +own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a few +weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea where +a dead-beat,[1] like myself, could find inexpensive lodgings in +Bumsteadville?" + +The host hastily remarked, that his own bill for those pork and beans +was fifty cents; and upon being paid, coldly added that a Mrs. SMYTHE, +wife of the sexton of Saint Cow's Ritualistic Church, took hash-eaters +for the summer. As the gentleman preferred a high-church private +boarding-house to an unsectarian first class hotel, all he had to do was +to go out on the road again, and keep inquiring until he found the +place. + +Donning his Panama hat, and carrying a stout cane, Mr. CLEWS was quickly +upon the turnpike; and, his course taking him near the pauper +burial-ground, he presently perceived an extremely disagreeable child +throwing stones at pigeons in a field, and generally hitting the +beholder. + +"You young Alderman! what do you mean?" he exclaimed, with marked +feeling, rubbing the place on his knee which had just been struck. + +"Then just give me a five-cent stamp to aim at yer, and yer won't ketch +it onc't," replied the boyish trifler. "I couldn't hit what I was to +fire at if it was my own daddy." + +"Here are ten cents, then," said the gentleman, wildly dodging the last +shot at a distant pigeon, "and now show me where Mrs. SMYTHE lives. + +"All right, old brick-top," assented the merry sprite, with a vivacious +dash of personality. "D'yer see that house as yer skoot past the Church +and round the corner?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, that's SMYTHE'S, and BUMSTEAD lives there, too--him as is always +tryin' to put a head on me. I'll play my points on him yet, though. +_I'll_ play my points!" And the rather vulgar young chronic absentee +from Sunday-school retired to a proper distance, and from thence began +stoning his benefactor to the latter's perfect safety. + +Reaching the boarding-house of Mrs. SMYTHE, as directed, Mr. TRACEY +CLEWS soon learned from the lady that he could have a room next to the +apartment of Mr. BUMSTEAD, to whom he was referred for further +recommendation of the establishment. Though that broken-hearted +gentleman was mourning the loss of a beloved umbrella, accompanied by a +nephew, and having a bone handle, Mrs. SMYTHE was sure he would speak a +good word for her house. Perhaps Mr. CLEWS had heard of his loss? + +Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but had a +confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, at +various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must make +such a loss still heavier. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took place, and +having Judge SWEENEY for company over a bowl of lemon tea, the new +boarder lifted his hat politely to both dignitaries, and involuntarily +smacked his lips at the mixture they were taking for their coughs. + +"Excuse me, gentlemen," said Mr. TRACEY CLEWS, in a manner almost +stealthy; "but, as I am about to take summer board with the lady of this +house, I beg leave to inquire if she and the man she married are +strictly moral except in having cold dinner on Sunday?" + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, who sat very limply in his chair, said that she was a very +good woman, a very good woman, and would spare no pains to secure the +comfort of such a head of hair as he then saw before him. + +"This is my dear friend, Judge SWEENEY," continued the Ritualistic +organist, languidly waving a spoon towards that gentleman, "who has a +very good wife in the grave, and knows much more about women and gravy +than I. As for me," exclaimed Mr. BUMSTEAD, suddenly climbing upon the +arm of his chair and staring at Mr. CLEW'S head rather wildly, "my only +bride was of black alpaca, with a brass ferrule, and I can never care +for the sex again." Here Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes had been rolling in an +extraordinary manner, tumbled into his chair again, and then, frowning +intensely, helped himself to lemon tea. + +"I am referred to your Honor for further particulars," observed Mr. +TRACEY CLEWS, bowing again to Judge SWEENEY. "Not to wound our friend +further by discussion of the fair sex, may I ask if Bumsteadville +contains many objects of interest for a stranger, like myself?" + +"One, at least, sir," answered the Judge. "I think I could show you a +tombstone which you would find very good reading. An epitaph upon my +late better-half. If you are a married man you can not help enjoying +it." + +Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never been a +married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the +literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat. + +"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and more +struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair and +beard. + +"His Honor flatters me too much." + +"Something in the lunatic line, then, perhaps?" + +"I have told your Honor that I never was married." + +Since last speaking, Mr. BUMSTEAD had been staring at the new boarder's +head and face, with a countenance expressive of mingled consternation +and wrath, and now made a startling rush at him from his chair and +fairly forced half a glass of lemon tea down his throat. + +"There, sir!" said the mourning organist, panting with suppressed +excitement. "That will keep you from taking cold until you can be walked +up and down in the open air long enough to get your hair and beard +sober. They have been indulging, sir, until the top of your head has +fallen over backwards, and your whiskers act as though they belonged to +somebody else. The sight confuses me, sir, and in my present state of +mind I can't bear it." + +Coughing from the lemon tea, and greatly amazed by his hasty dismissal, +Mr. CLEWS followed Judge SWEENEY from the room and house in precipitate +haste, and, when they were fairly out of doors, remarked, that the +gentleman they had just left had surprised him unprecedentedly, and that +he was very much put out by it. + +"Mr. JOHN BUMSTEAD, sir," explained the Judge, "is almost beside himself +at the double loss he has sustained, and I think that the sight of your +cane, there, maddened him with the memory it revived." + +"Why," exclaimed the gentleman of the hair, staring in wonder, "you +don't mean to tell me that my cane looks at all like his nephew?" + +"It looks a little like the stick of his umbrella, which he lost at the +same time," was the grave answer. + +After walking on in thoughtful silence for a while, as though deeply +pondering the striking character of a man whose great nature could thus +at once unite the bereaved uncle with the sincere mourner for the dumb +friend of his rainier days, Mr. TRACEY CLEWS asked whether suspicion yet +pointed to any one? + +Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a certain +person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in sufficient +amount to justify the exertions of police officials having families to +support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as it was not +exactly certain that the abstraction of an umbrella by unknown parties +would justify the criminal prosecution of a person for having in his +possession an Indian Club:--in view of all these complicated +circumstances, the law did not feel itself authorized to execute any +assassin at present. + +"And here we are, sir, at last, near our Ritualistic Church," continued +Judge SWEENEY, "where we stand up for the Rite so much that strangers +sometimes complain of it as fatiguing. Upon that monument yonder, in the +graveyard, you may find the epitaph I have mentioned. What is more, here +comes a rather interesting local character of ours, who cut the +inscription and put up the monument." + +Mr. MCLAUGHLIN came shuffling up the road as he spoke, followed in the +distance by the inevitable SMALLEY and a shower of promiscuous stones. + +"Here, you boy!" roared Judge SWEENEY, beckoning the amiable child to +him with a bit of small money, "aim at _all_ of us--do you hear?--and +see that you don't hit any windows. And now, MCLAUGHLIN, how do you do? +Here is a gentleman spending the summer with us, who would like to know +you." + +Old MORTARITY stared at the hair and beard, thus introduced to him, with +undisguised amazement, and grimly remarked, that if the gentleman would +come to see him any evening, and bring a social bottle with him, he +would not allow the gentleman's head to stand in the way of a further +acquaintance. + +"I shall certainly call upon you," assented Mr. CLEWS, "if our young +friend, the stone-thrower, will accept a trifle to show me the way." + +Before retiring to his bed that night, the same Mr. TRACEY CLEWS took +off his hair and beard, examined them closely, and then broke into a +strange smile. "No wonder they all looked at me so!" he soliloquized, +"for I did have my locks on the topside backmost, and my whiskers turned +the wrong way. However, for a dead-beat, with all his imperfections on +his head, I've formed a pretty large acquaintance for one day."[2] + +(_To be Continued._) + + +[Footnote 1: "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its nearest +native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, variously, +according to circumstances, a successful American politician; a wife's +male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a newspaper, a New York +detective policeman; any person who is uncommonly pleasant with people, +while never asking them to take anything with him; a pious boarder; a +French revolutionist.] + +[Footnote 2: In both conception and execution, the original of the above +Chapter, in Mr. DICKENS's work, is, perhaps, the least felicitous page +of fiction ever penned by the great novelist; and, as this Adaptation is +in no wise intended as a burlesque, or caricature, of the _style_ at the +original, (but rather as a conscientious imitation of it, so far as +practicable,) the Adapter has not allowed himself that license of humor +which, in the most comically effective treatment of said Chapter, might +bear the appearance of such an intention.] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Patchouli._--What is the substance which enables flies to adhere to the +ceiling? +_Answer._--Ceiling wax. + +_Rosalie._--What is the meaning of the term "suspended animation?" +_Answer._--If you remain at any fashionable watering-place after the +close of the season you'll find out. + +_Zanesvillian._--Your pronunciation of the French word _bois_ is +incorrect, else you could not have fallen into the blunder of supposing +that the Bois de Boulogne and the Bois de Vincennes are _gamins_ of +Paris. + +_Blunderbore._--Your suggestion is ingenious, but the refined sentiment +of cruelty revealed in it is deserving of the severest censure. It is +true that the introduction of German cookery into France by the +Prussians, as you propose, would in a short time decimate the +population, but what a fearful precedent it would be! You can best +realize it by imagining Massachusetts cookery introduced into New York, +and the consequent desolation of her purliens. + +_Mrs. Gamp._--No; neither the French nor the Prussians are armed with +air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those distracting war +reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so conspicuously. + +_R.G.W._--What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which occurs in the +Shaksperean drama? +_Answer._--Some trace it to Ben Zine, an inflammable friend of "ancient +Pistol's." It is far more probable, however, that the word was +originally written "Bazainian," and was merely prophetic of the +well-known epithet now bestowed by Prussian soldiers on the French +troops serving under BAZAINE. + +_Earl Russel_--In reply to your question as to whether the thumb nail of +HOGARTH on which he made his traditional sketch of a drunken man, is now +in an American collection, we can only state that, of course, it once +formed a leading object of interest in BARNUM'S Museum. As that building +was destroyed by fire in 1865, however, it is to be presumed that the +HOGARTH nail perished with all the other nails, or was sold with them, +as "junk." + +_Invalid._--To regain strength you should take means to increase the +amount of iron in your blood. Bark will do it, which accounts for the +fact that the blood of dogs has a large per centage of iron. Here in New +York, the ordinary way of getting iron in the blood is to have a knife +run into you by the hand of an assassin; but this is not considered +favorable to longevity. + + * * * * * + +THE ROMANCE OF A RICH YOUNG MAN. + +It happened, once upon a time, that there was a great city, and that +city, being devoid of a sensation, yearned for a great man. Then the +wise men of the city began to look around, when lo! there entered +through the gates of the city a certain peddler from a foreign country, +which is called Yankee Land, and behold! the great man was found. He +dealt in shekels and stocks, and bloomed and flourished, and soon became +like unto a golden calf, and lo! all the wise men fell down and +worshipped him. Now it happened that at first, like all great men, he +was misunderstood, and the people ascribed his success to his partner, +so that everybody said, + + The name is but the guinea's stamp, + The man's a GOULD for all that; + +but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name of JEAMES +PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth. + +Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called DEDREW, +who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad +corporation called the Eareye, because, while it was much in everybody's +ear, no one could see anything of it or its dividends. So JEAMES PHYSKE +went straightway unto DEDREW and said unto him, "Lo! your servant is as +full of wiles as an egg is of meat. Make me then, I pray you, your chief +adviser, and put me in the high places." And DEDREW smiled upon him, as +he is wont to do, and finding that he was a stranger, he took him in, +and knowing that all were fish which came unto his net, he straightway +put him in the high places in Eareye, saying unto himself, "I will take +this lamb and fleece him." So PHYSKE sat high in Eareye. But it came to +pass very soon thereafter, that DEDREW and PHYSKE fell out, some say +about the division of the spoils which they had taken from the enemy, +which, being interpreted, is the people, while others do state that +DEDREW attempted to cut the wool from PHYSKE, but that it stuck so +tightly that PHYSKE caught him. Anyhow, it came to pass, very soon, that +DEDREW was sitting on the outside steps of Eareye, and PHYSKE was +sitting on DEDREW'S throne. + +Then PHYSKE ruled Eareye, and he took the stock and he did multiply it +manifold, which is called, by some people, watering. Now it happened +that a certain man named PYKE did build him a costly mansion on the +street which is called Twenty-third, and did therein have foreign +singers and dancers, and players upon the violin, which is called the +fiddle, and upon the bass viol, which is called the big fiddle, and upon +sheets of parchment, which are called the drum, and upon divers other +instruments. And PHYSKE looked upon the mansion, and it seemed good in +his eyes, and he said unto PYKE, "Sell me now your mansion." And PYKE +did sell unto him the mansion, and the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon the violin, which is called the fiddle, and the players +upon the big fiddle, and the players upon the drums, and the players +upon divers other instruments. And PHYSKE forthwith built himself a +throne there, and did make the mansion the palace of Eareye. And he +would sit upon his throne and view the foreign singers and dancers, and +the players upon divers instruments, and would much applaud, when his +foreign dancers did dance a certain dance, wherein the toe is placed +upon the forehead, and which is called the _cancan_. And all the people +came and worshipped him, him and his foreign singers and dancers, and +players upon divers instruments, and his great diamond. And PHYSKE was +called Prince Eareye. + +Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the ocean; so +he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to the foreign +land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a goodly number +of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy him a coat of +many colors, and did stand upon the landing place, which is called the +dock, and the players upon divers instruments did play, "Hail to the +Chief," and all the people did shout, "Hurrah for Admiral PHYSKE, Prince +of Eareye!" for he was of a noble stature, being four hands wider than +his fellows. + +Now it came to pass that divers envious persons did institute certain +troublesome actions, which are called suits, against him, and did +endeavor to drive him from the land, but PHYSKE took a field and went +before a barnyard, and did rout these envious persons, and did smite +them on the hip, which, being interpreted, is that he dismissed their +suits, and did smite them on the thigh, which, being interpreted, is, +did make them pay costs. But the field and the barnyard were much +employed. + +Then PHYSKE took into his counsel divers persons, dealers in shekels, +and did say unto them, "Let us find us a man who can tell us whether +those in high places will sell gold. And if he say unto us, nay, let us +buy much gold and make many shekels." And the divers persons, dealers in +shekels, were astonished at his shrewdness, and were all of one accord. +Then PHYSKE found him a man who did say unto him nay, and PHYSKE and +the divers other persons did buy much gold. Now it happened that those +in high places did sell gold, and PHYSKE and the divers other persons +were sore afraid, and did fall upon each other's necks and did weep. But +PHYSKE straightway recovered and said unto them, "Lo, if I do murder and +the doctor say that I was insane, am I not forthwith discharged?" and +they said unto him, "It is even so." Then said he unto them, "Let us +send our broker into the board, so that he shall act like an insane man, +and can we be held for an insane man's purchases?" And they were filled +with great rejoicing. And the broker did go into the board, and did act +like an insane man, and PHYSKE and divers other persons did retain their +shekels. And it was Friday when they did these things, and when they had +done them they laughed until they were black in their faces, and the +day--is it not called Black Friday? + +Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other roads, and +waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was much +interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings--can they not be +found in the pages of "It shines for all," which, being interpreted, is +the Moon, and are they not preserved there for two centuries? + +And then it came to pass that PHYSKE sat himself down and sighed because +there were no more worlds to conquer. But straightway he resolved to +become a Colonel. So certain persons endeavored to make him commander of +the 99th regiment of foot, but a certain old centurion, which is Brains, +ran against him and overcame him. But the soldiers said unto each other, +"Is it not better that we should have body than brains, and had we not +better take unto ourselves the fleshpots?" So they deposed Brains and +chose the Prince of Eareye as their commander. And he straightway +submitted them to twelve temptations. Now it happened, that, as he was +marching at the head of his soldiers in the place wherein these twelve +temptations are kept, a certain servant of one Mammon did serve upon him +a paper, which is called a summons, and did command him to pay for his +butter. At which PHYSKE was much enraged and did wax wroth. And +thereupon he did march and countermarch his soldiers many times. And he +ordered another coat of many colors, and lo! in all Chatham Street there +was not cloth enough to make it, so they brought it from a foreign land. +And it came to pass that he and the centurion, which is Brains--for +should not body and brains work together?--did march the soldiers down +the street which is called Broadway, and did take them to the Branch +which is called Long, and there did divers curious things, all which are +they not found in the paper, "It shines for all," which, being +interpreted, is the Moon? + +Now it happened that one HO RACE GREL HE, being a Prussian, did fall +upon PHYSKE and did berate him in a paper, which is called the _Try +Buin_. And PHYSKE became very wroth and did stop the sale of the paper, +which is called the _Try Buin_, upon his roads. And HO RACE GREL HE, +being a Prussian, was sore afraid, and did fall straightway upon his +knees, and did say, "Lo, your servant has sinned! I pray thee forgive +him." And PHYSKE did say, "I forgive thee," which, being interpreted, +is, "All right, old coon, don't let me catch you at it again." + +And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but are they not +written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines for all," +which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who runs, read them +there? + +LOT. + + + * * * * * + +From the Spirit of Lindley Murray. + +When is a schoolboy like an event that has happened? +When he has come to parse. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Vain heading! This paper is not intended to communicate anything about a +vacation. "Would that it were! says Mr. PUNCHINELLO, from the bottom of +his heart. + +Last week Mr. P. intended going to the White Mountains. + +But he didn't go. + +On his way to the Twenty-third Street depot, he met the Count JOANNES. + +"Ah ha! my noble friend!" said the latter. ""Whither away"?" + +Mr. P. explained whither he was away; and was amazed to see the singular +expression which instantly spread itself over the countenance of his +noble friend. + +"To the "White Mountains!"cried the Count," why, my good fellow, what +are you thinking of? Do you not know that this is September?" + +"Certainly I do,"said Mr. P." I know that this is the season when Nature +revels in her richest hues, and Aurora gilds the fairest landscape; when +the rays of glorious old Sol are tempered by the soft caresses of the +balmiest zephyrs, and--" + +"Oh, certainly! certainly!" cried the Count, "I have no doubt of it; not +the least bit in the world. In fact, I have been in those places myself +when a boy, and I know all about it. But let me tell you, sir, as +_amicus curiae_, (and I assure you that I have often been _amicus +curiae_ before,) that society will not tolerate anything of this kind on +your part, sir. The skies in the country may be bluest at this season, +sir; the air most delicious, the scenery most gorgeous, and +accommodations of all kinds most plenty and excellent, but it will not +do. The conductor of a first class journal belongs in a manner to +society, and society will never forgive him for going into the country +after the season is over. As _amicus curiae_--" + +"_Amicus_ your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does society know +about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for enjoying them?" + +"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing his sword +a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again with: clanging +sound. "And representing society, as I do in my proper person here, sir, +I say that any man who would go into the country in the latter part of +September is a---" + +"A what, sir?" said Mr. P., nervously fingering his umbrella. + +"Yes, sir, he is, sir!" + +"Do you say that, sir?" + +"In your teeth, sir!" + +"'Tis false, sir!" + +"What, sir?" + +"Just so, sir!" + +"To me, sir?" + +"To you, sir!" + +The Count JOANNES drew his sword. + +Mr. P. stood _en garde_. + +Just at this moment the Greenwich Street Cordwainers' Target +Association, preceded by one half the whole body of Metropolitan Police, +approached the spot. The Target Society were out on a street parade, and +the policemen marched before them to clear Broadway of all vehicles and +foot-passengers, and to stop short, for the time, the business of a +great city, in order that these twenty spindle-legged and melancholy +little cobblers might have a proper opportunity of showing their utter +ignorance of all rules of marching, and the management of firearms. + +Perceiving this vast body of police, with Superintendent JOURDAN at its +head, advancing with measured tread upon them, the Count sheathed his +sword and Mr. P. shut up his deadly weapon. + +Slowly and in opposite directions they withdrew from the ground. + +It was too late for Mr. P.'s train, and he returned to his home. There, +in the solitude of his private apartments, he came to the conclusion +that it would be useless to oppose the decrees of Society. The idea that +the Count, that worthy leader of the metropolitan _ton_, had put into +his head, was not to be treated contemptuously. He must give up all the +fruity richness of September, the royal glories of October, and the +delicious hazes of the Indian Summer, pack away his fish-hooks and his +pocket-flask, and stay in the city like the rest of the fools. + +This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from dreaming. He had a +delightful dream that night, in which he found himself sailing on Lake +George; ascending Mount Washington; and participating in the revelry of +a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of Kings and Queens and Suffolk +Counties. As nearly as circumstances will permit, he has endeavored to +give an idea of his dream by means of the following sketch. + +Taken as a whole, Mr. P. is not desirous that this dream should come +true, but taken in parts he would have no objections to see it fulfilled +as soon as Society will permit. + +Which will be, he supposes, about next July. + +In the meantime, he advises such of his patrons as have depended +entirely upon his letters for their summer recreation, and who will now +be deprived of this delightful enjoyment, to make every effort to go to +some of our summer resorts and spend a few weeks after the fashionable +season is over,--that is, if they think they can brave the opinion of +society. It may not be so pleasant to go to these places as to read Mr. +P.'s accounts of them, but it is the best that can be done. + +The following little tail-piece will give a forcible idea of how +completely Mr. P. has given up, for the season, his field sports and +country pleasures. Copies may be obtained by placing a piece of +tracing-paper over the picture and following the lines with a +lead-pencil. + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO VI. + + TAFFY was a Welshman, + TAFFY was a thief, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a piece of beef. + I went to TAFFY'S house, + TAFFY wasn't at home, + TAFFY came to my house and stole a mutton bone. + +It is not often that a poet descends to the discussion of mundane +affairs. His sphere of usefulness, oftentimes usefulness to himself, +only, lies among the roseate clouds of the morn, or the spiritual +essences of the cerulean regions, but, like other human beings, he +cannot live on the zephyr breeze, or on the moonbeams flitting o'er the +rippling stream. Such ethereal food is highly unproductive of adipose +tissue, and the poet needs adipose like any other man. And our poet is +no exception to the rule, for he well knew that good digestible poetry +can't be written on an empty stomach. + +It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize every +opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so happy +as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers tending +to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself perform. + +But with our poet--and we have been exceptional in our choice--he has +always been backward in coming forward, and it was not until he was +touched upon a tender point that he concluded to make himself heard, +when he might depict, in glowing terms, some of the few ills which flesh +is heir to. + +The opportune moment arrived. + +He had been out since early dawn, gathering the dew from the +sweet-scented flower, or painting in liquid vowels the pleasant calmness +of the cow-pasture, or mayhap echoing with hie pencil's point the +well-noted strains of the Shanghai rooster, when the far-off distant +bell announced to him that he must finish his poetic pabulum, and hurry +home to something more in accordance with the science of modern cookery. + +He arrived and found his household in tumult. "Who's been here since +I've been gone?" sang he, in pathetic tones. And he heard in mournful +accents the answer, "TAFFY." + +Could anything more melancholy have befallen our poet? He could remember +in childhood's merry days the old candy-woman, with her plentiful store +of brown sweetness long drawn out; and how himself and companions spent +many a pleasant hour teasing their little teeth with the delicate +morsels. Now his childhood's dreams vanished. He remembered that + + "TAFFY was a Welshman." + +And then, after a careful scrutiny of the larder, assisted by the +gratuitous services of his ever faithful feline friend, THOMAS, he +found the extent of his loss. + + "TAFFY was a thief," + +he now gave vent to passion, while anguish rent his soul. TAFFY had been +here, and made good his coming, although the good was entirely on +TAFFY'S side, for he walked off again with a piece of beef, and was, +even at this very moment, smacking his chops over its tender fibres. + +All his respect for TAFFY now vanished like the misty cloud before the +rays of the morning sun. He buckled on the armor of his strength, +departed for TAFFY'S house, determined to wreak his vengeance thereon, +and scatter TAFFY, limb for limb, throughout his own corn-field. "Woe, +woe to TAFFY," he muttered between his clenched teeth. "I will make +mincemeat of him; I will enclose him in sausage skins, and will send him +to that good man, KI YI SAMPSON." + +Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at TAFFY'S +house, he was informed, with mocking smiles. + + "TAFFY wasn't at home." + +Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.--All dashed to +the ground by one foul scathing blow. + +But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you waited, +but we will tell you now. TAFFY liked beef; liked it as no other human +liked it, for he could eat it raw. And when, foraging around the +village, he found a nice piece at the poet's house, his carnivorous +proclivities induced him to steal it, and, with it under his arm, +hurried off to the nearest barn, and there rapidly devoured it. This +only seemed to give him an appetite. He went foraging again, but this +time only picked up a mutton-bone. "The nearer the bone, the sweeter the +meat," cried TAFFY, and with a flourish he hastened to his hiding place, +while the poor poet, disconsolate in his first loss, returned home only +to find a second; and the culprit was still free. + +Ah! my kind reader, here was a deep cut to our poet. "Who would care for +mother now?" he sang, for all the meat was gone. Home was no longer the +dearest spot on earth to him, since it was rudely desecrated by the +hands of TAFFY--of DAVID, the Welshman. + +Poor poet! Cruel TAFFY! + +Let me draw the curtain of popular sympathy over the unhappy household. +The poet has told his story in words which will never die; and he has +proclaimed the infamy of TAFFY to the uttermost corners of the earth. + + * * * * * + +Sweeping Reform. + +The world moves. There is a chiropodist now travelling in the East who +removes excrescences of the feet simply by sweeping them away with a +corn broom. When last heard of he was at Alexandria, and there is no +corn in Egypt, now. + + * * * * * + +OUR EXPLOSIVES. + +What between nitroglycerine, kerosene, and ordinary gas, New York city +has, for years.past, been admirably provided with explosives. Now we +have to add gasoline to the interesting catalogue of inflammables. What +gasoline is, we have not the slightest notion, but, as it knocked +several houses in Maiden Lane into ashes a few days since, it must be +something. Crinoline, dangerous as it is, would have been safer for +Maiden Lane than gasoline, and more appropriate. In the present dearth +of public amusements, these jolly explosives--gasoline, dualine, +nitroglycerine, and the rest of 'em,--come in very well to create a +sensation. They keep the firemen in wind, and, as the firemen keep them +in water, the obligation is reciprocal. Let Gasoline, as well as +Crinoline, have the suffrage, by all means. + + * * * * * + +Aggravating. + +The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now announced that the +Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier. + + * * * * * + +Anna-Tom-ical. + +"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists upon it that +he still feels pain in the arm and fingers."--(Daily Paper.) + +This is strange, certainly, but not more so than the statement of our +young man, TOM, who affirms that, having had his arm around ANNA'S waist +some three weeks ago, he still feels the most bewitching sensations in +that arm. Who can explain these things? + + * * * * * + +_Prussicos odi, puer, apparatus_,--as old NAP said to young NAP, when +the Teutonic bullets flew about them at Saarbruck. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT IS CORRECT, BUT THIS IS +PUNCHINELLO'S IDEA OF THE CHASSE POT.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FACT FROM LAKE SUPERIOR. + +_Shipwrecked Cockney_.--"I SAY, CAPTAIN, ARE THERE ANY BEARS ABOUT HERE? +I'VE COME PREPARED FOR A LITTLE SPORT, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + +THE CHARGE OF THE NINTH BRIGADE. + +"Col. FISK, Jr., marched his men up to the Continental Bar-room this +evening and gave them a _carte blanche_ order for drinks."--_Special to +morning paper_. + + Half asleep, half asleep, + Half asleep, onward + Into the bar-room bright + Strode the Six Hundred: + 'Forward the Ninth Brigade! + Charge this to me," he said. + Into the bar-room, then + Rushed the Six Hundred. + + Topers to right of them. + Topers to left of them, + Old sots in front of them, + Parleyed and wondered; + Yet into line they fell, + Boldly they drank, and well + Into the jaws of each, + Into the mouth of all, + Drinks went, Six Hundred. + + Flashed the big diamond there, + Flashed as its owner square + Treated his soldiers there, + Charging a bar-room, while + All the "beats" wondered. + Choked with tobacco smoke, + Straight for the door they broke, + Pushing and rushing, + Reeled from the Bourbon stroke, + Shattered and sundered; + Thus they went back--they did-- + On the Six Hundred. + + Whiskey to right of them, + Cocktails to left of them, + Popping corks after them, + Volleyed and thundered, + Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,-- + Many a hero fell. + Tho' some did stand it well, + Those that were left of them, + Left of Six Hundred. + + Oh! what a bill was paid, + Oh! what a noise they made, + All Long Branch wondered; + Oh! what a noise they made, + They of the Ninth Brigade, + Jolly Six Hundred! + + * * * * * + +A Sun-burst. + +The _Sun_ regretfully announces that PUNCHINELLO is about to "give up +the ghost." PUNCHINELLO begs to assure the Sun that he doesn't keep a +ghost; though, at the same time, the mistake was a natural one enough to +emanate from Mr. C. A. (D. B.) DANA, who keeps a REAL ghost in his +closet. + + * * * * * + +A. Natural Mistake. + +An advertisement from the establishment of Messrs. A. T. STEWART & Co., +announces, among other things, that they have opened a "MADDER PRINT." + +At first sight we supposed that the firm in question had begun +publishing a paper in opposition to the Sun, and that it was to be, if +possible, a madder print than that luminary, for the purpose of cutting +it out. Further reflection convinced us, however, that the "print" in +question was connected with the subject of dry goods, only. + + * * * * * + +Very Small Beer. + +Newspaper items state that the editor of the Winterset (Iowa,) _Sun_, +is, probably, the smallest editor in the the world." Surely the editor +of the New York Sun must be the one meant. + + * * * * * + +"Well I'm Blowed!" + +As the _omelette soufflee_ said to the cook. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE SARATOGA CONVENTION. + +_Horace Greeley, (to Roscoe Conkling.)_ "DON'T BE RASH, NOW REMEMBER +THAT A SOFT ANSWER TURNETH AWAY WRATH." + +_Roscoe Conkling_. "LET US HAVE PEACE, BY ALL MEANS: BUT IF THAT FELLOW +REUBE FENTON INTERFERES WITH ME, HE HAD BETTER LOOK OUT THAT I DON'T +SMASH HIS SLATE."] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON. + +Napoleon I and Napoleon III--Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to Overcome. + +SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, + +_Orgust--, 18-Seventy._ + +FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which I rote to +your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, that maybe +you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as not our +"Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble up your +male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I now take +my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle Rock oyster, +and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same blessin. +Numerous changes have taken place since your _grand invasion_ of German +sile. + +It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save you a long +jerney to fite them. + +Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home for a +little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own country, +and enjoy the fun. + +A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall fiddlin' when +Rome was burnin'. + +While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around you (?) my +advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD: + + "Hang up your fiddle and your bow, + Lay down your shovel and the hoe. + Where the woodbine twineth + There's a place for Unkle LEW, + With UGEENY and little LEWIS for to go." + +The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful. + +It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble Pea-cracker, to see +how you've been lickt. + +You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of your grate +unkle has passed into the hands of some other family. + +The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, altho' I +don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny haint on +any of the war maps. + +I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the program, that +when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as the champion +Black-eyed man of Urope. + +Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle loominary which; +Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his pome of "Shoo-fly." + +It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the Sun has +nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite. + +Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose eclips has been +visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can be seen without +usin' smoked glass. + +I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for Nancy, +that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go. + +When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success. + +Empires--Kingdoms--Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first train and +skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their territory. + +The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, and +commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and sellin' +the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at that, which +may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo Offisers, who, +as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she stabbed Lord Byron, +"are all _honorable_ men." + +Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. scatter a few +buckets of tear drops. + +Said your Unkle: + +"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. I belong, +body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be perpetuated. +You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another +bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer." + +He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and married MARIAR +LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out institootion, employin' his +time walkin' _in solo_ with his hands behind him, gazin' intently on the +toes of his butes, and wonderin' if they was the same ones which had +histed so many roolers off of their thrones. + +In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I understand, +is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness. + +The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but let an old +statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the +Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything." + +Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap to fite +agin. I tried it once. + +A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years since, for a +target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box of sardeens +for refreshments. + +I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve the peece. + +Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few mugs. I +woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul regiment of +Dutch soljers on general trainin' day. + +It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on rather +too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her that I +was boss of the ranch. + +Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the kitchen as +bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th. + +"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her pan of +dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) tode the +mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any more of yer +(hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like a (hic!) man, +in the futer?" + +I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it on a fly +with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my wife I was +in earnest in what I said. + +Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large bag with a +lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could also +distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract for +thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, and +somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes. + +I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips--hair and panterloon buttons +rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close. + +When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company had been +usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's eye. + +I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck agin +Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. WARD +BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had got +in. + +When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro. + +Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I think I can +get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your $115.00 a month, +provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew. + +This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities of the +world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything cold in apt +to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk. + +Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern wisdom by +cultivatin' my acquaintance--and with kind regards to UGEEN and bub +BONYPART, in your native tung I will say: + +_Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker._ + +Ewer'n, one and onseperable, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Bunsby's War Paint. + + Napoleon's chances are not great + If German facts are true; + But if he finds not Paris Green + Hell make the Prussian Blue. + + * * * * * + +Remark by a Bandsman. + +Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but now, +considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it appears to +be superseded by the Off I Glide. + + * * * * * + +The Music of the Future. + +Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way of the +performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few Sure +enough. + + * * * * * + +A Relic of the Past. + +The following item is taken from a daily paper: + +"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the Passy theatre +lately." + +There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is meant for +_passee_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRECOCIOUS. + +LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT +TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +"Well, you know, Dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, this is how CHARLEY DANY and me +cum to hev our fallin' out. We was boys together, was CHARLEY and me, +and went to the same school. CHARLEY were a likely lad there; never +given to spilin' the faces of t'other boys nor splashin' mud on their +clothes. Oh! but hasn't he gone back on them good old times. I wouldn't +hev' believed it, CHARLEY, no I wouldn't. + +But, as I was sayin', he were a likely lad; studyin' hard, and often +tellin' me how he would one day come out at the head of the heap, +gradooatin' before the Squire's son, JACK BALDERBACK. Just about this +time I was tuk with the measles, and father died, and SALLIE got +married, and the old woman said to me: + +"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. I never +went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years gone now, +'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he tuk onto +business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how things +went well with him, and how he got up, up, up, till the ladder wasn't +big enough and he couldn't climb no higher. Folks said he was into the +war; but I didn't believe 'em. CHARLEY was a peace man, I knowed that. +Arterwards, howsumever, it cum out that it was the War Office he was +into, and not the war; and says I to myself, "EPHRAIM," says I, "didn't +I tell you so; and tell them so, and war'nt I right? I calkilate they +won't go back no more on what I says about CHARLEY DANY." + +Well, dear Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, I was one day readin' of your paper, and I +comes onto sumthin' about sumbody, which it was as I spell it, "CHARLES +A. DANA," how he was a cuttin' up shines, and how you was a pokin' fun +and hard things at him. + +I larfed right out. + +"That's smart," says I, "Yes, that's smart; but it ain't onto _my_ +CHARLEY. He ain't stuck up nor nothing of that sort. He is as innocent +as gooseberries, is the CHARLEY DANY I know;" and arterwards I thought +no more about it, till I cum on to New York for to look into the cattle +business, and see how things was shapin for trade this winter. + +I put up to the St. Nikkleas. Well, I allers larf when I think of it. +Here was an Irishman tuk my bag, slung it behind him, and says he to +me--"Foller me, if you please, sir." I follered accordin'. + +I've clumb some pretty tall hills in my day, Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, but that +'ere gettin' up them stairs jest switches the rag off of all on 'em. I +broke down. Then he tuk me to a heister, and landed us next to the roof. +I was too pegged out to wash or fix, so I flung off my cowhides, jumped +onto the bed and slept clean through till next day. In the mornin' I +rigged up, went down stairs, and asked the clerk if he would be kind +enough to pint out to me where I might see CHARLEY DANY. He sort o' +smiled like, and said I would find him at the _Sun_ office. I paid two +dollars for a kab to take me down, which it did till we stopped afore a +big yaller house, with a big board stuck up agin it havin' these words: + + +--------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "EXTRA SUN!!! | + | | + | ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL. | + | FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES. | + | INTERESTING CHAPTER OF FAMILY SECRETS. | + | WHO IS SHE AND WHY DID SHE DO IT? | + | GENERAL GRANT BUYS A SKYE TERRIER! | + | PARTICULARS OF THE SALE!! | + | GENEALOGY OF THE DOG!!! | + | SECRETARY FISH BOBBING FOR SPANISH EELS, | + | HE IS CAUGHT BY THE GILLS. | + | THE MINION OF SPANISH TYRANNY IN DISTRESS. | + | KITCHEN COUNCILS IN FIFTH AVENUE. | + | NOTES BY OUR KEYHOLE REPORTER. | + | BABY FOUND IN THE PRIVATE OFFICE OF A | + | LEADING EDITOR. | + | WHOSE IS IT AND HOW DID IT COME THERE? | + | INTERESTING DISCLOSURES OF A PROMINENT | + | MERCHANT'S LIFE!!! | + | FOR FULL DETAILS SEE EXTRA SUN, PRICE | + | TWO CENTS!" | + | | + +--------------------------------------------+ + +"Wonder if CHARLEY writ all that 'ere," says I, inwardly, inquirin' of a +boy where Mr. DANY'S particular holdin' out place might be, and givin' +him three cents to show me the way. Drawin' a quick breath, I knocked at +the door. "Come in," says a peskish voice. I cum in, and there, sure +enough, with nose close down to the desk, a writin' away for dear life, +sat CHARLEY. I knowed him to onc't, for all he was a little oldish, and +a little grayish, and had a bare spot like a turtle's back on the top of +his head. My heart cum' a bustin' up into my throat, and an inward voice +seemed to say: + +"Do it now EPHRAIM, do it now, while the feeling is onto you." Jest then +he looked up, and I bust forth: "Oh, CHARLEY! CHARLEY! its a long time +sin' we met, CHARLEY. Don't you know me? Don't you remember little EPH +ECKELS? Oh! CHARLEY, CHARLEY, give us a grip of your knob, old +hunk"--and I slewed over towards him for to shake hands when he suddenly +drawed back, kinder gloomy like, putting down his pen and chewing his +gums sort of swagewise. as he said: + +"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant Secretary +of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at present +Chief Editor of the New York _Sun_, price two cents. There is no +individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old Hunk," and, +as I perceive, sir, that there is a most infernal smell of cow yards +about your raiment, and the effluvia arising thence is becoming +insupportable, I would thank you to get out of this apartment double +quick, and I suggest for the sake of others who may be unfortunately +brought into contact with you, that my friend the Hon. WILLIAM MANHATTAN +TWEED has recently established public baths where such creatures as you +may undergo purification before venturing into the presence of +gentlemen." + +It was CHARLEY who spoke it; Mr. PUNCHINELLOW, there is no doubt about +that; but the CHARLEY that I knew has been dead sin' that day. Yours in +memory-moram, + +EPHRAIM ECKELS. + + * * * * * + +Horrors of War. + +Much has been said about the Prussian "demonstrations" at Strasbourg. If +half what we hear of Prussian vandalism as displayed at the siege of +Strasbourg is true, "Demonstration" is a very appropriate term for the +thing. + + * * * * * + +OLIVE LOGAN. + +We have no authentic record of the date of this fair syren's birth. It +is popularly supposed, however, that she was contemporaneous with +POCAHONTAS. POKY (as she was playfully called by her playmates at +boarding-school) is now dead. LOGY (another playful appellation of the +gushing miss alluded to) is still Olive. + +We do not, however, credit the legend above cited. Also, we do not +credit the equally absurd and unreasonable story that our girlish gusher +is a daughter of a negro preacher named LOGUEN. We look upon this as a +colorless aspersion of our subject's fair fame, and we therefore feel +called upon to politely but furiously hurl it back in the teeth of its +degraded and offensive inventor. Things are come indeed to a pretty pass +when a lady of Miss LOGAN'S position may have her good name blackened +(not to say sooted) by associating it with that of a preacher. Besides, +LOGUEN was himself born in 1800, and is therefore only seventy years +old. These things are not to be borne. + +Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is reliable. We +have our information from the lips of an aunt of the Honorable HORATIUS +GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and wrung the confession +from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, we need not say, is +incapable of telling a lie. + +At the early age of six weeks our illustrious victim made her first +appearance as a public speaker. This was at Faneuil Hall, Boston. She +was supported on that memorable occasion by a young and fascinating lady +by the name of ANTHONY (SUSAN.) SUSIE prophesied then, it will be +remembered, that the fair oratress would yet live to be President of the +United States and Canadas. Miss LOGAN, with her customary modesty, +declined to view the mysterious future in that puerile light, gracefully +suggesting, amid a brilliant outburst of puns, metaphors and amusing +anecdotes, that SUSIE distorted the facts. Miss ANTHONY, under a +mistaken impression that this referred to her peculiar mode of keeping +accounts, offered, with a wild shriek of despair and disgust, to exhibit +her books to an unprejudiced committee of her own sex, with WENDELL +PHILLIPS as chairwoman. (There is manifest inaccuracy in this account, +though, inasmuch as Mr. PHILLIPS was not yet born, at that time; but we +of course give the story as it is related to us by eye-witnesses.) Mr. +JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG, who was in the audience, rose and said that Miss +ANTHONY'S explanation was entirely sufficient, and that she might now +take her seat. The lecturer then proceeded to discuss her subject, +"Girls." She said-- + +However, this is not a newspaper report, is it? + +Soon after this, Louis PHILLIPPE invited Miss LOGAN to visit Paris. He +represented that he should consider it an honor at any time to welcome +the beautiful demoiselle to the palace of the Tuileries. He remarked in +a postscript that his dinner hour was twelve o'clock, noon, sharp, and +that his hired man had instructions to pass Miss LOGAN at any time. +Accordingly, our syren departed hungrily for the capital of the French. +Her career in Paris is well known to every mere ordinary schoolboy: +therefore, wherefore dwell? Madame DE STAEL'S dressmaker called on her. +A committee of strong-minded milliners solicited the honor of her +acquaintance. GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN proposed an alliance with her for the +purpose of hurling imperial jackassery from its tottering throne. Other +honors were conferred on her. + +Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more resumed her +career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career has been, +does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in +14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and +California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Young Men's +Christian Associations have crowded to hear her thrilling eloquence, and +lecture committees all over the land have grown fat and saucy on the +enormous profits yielded by her engagements. Country editors, who, +before speculating in tickets of admission, were without shoes to their +feet, have been suddenly converted into haughty despots and bloated +aristocrats by their prodigious gains. And Miss LOGAN herself is said to +be worth $250. + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genna, Corvus.--The Common Crow. + +This Ravenous bird abounds in all temperate regions, and is a fowl of +sober aspect, although a Rogue in Grain. Crows, like time-serving +politicians, are often on the Fence, and their proficiency in the art of +Caw-cussing entitles them to rank with the Radical Spoilsmen denounced +by the sardonic DAWES. In time of war they haunt the battle-field with +the pertinacity of newspaper specials, and have a much more certain +method of making themselves acquainted with the Organization of military +Bodies than the gentlemen of the press who Pick the Brains of fugitives +from the field for their information. In time of peace the Crow leads a +comparatively quiet life, and it is no novel thing to see him walking in +the fields devouring with great apparent interest the Yellow-Covered +Cereals. Agriculturists have strong prejudices against the species, and +allege, not without reason, that large Crow Crops indicate diminished +harvests. The most persistent enemy of the Crow, however, is the martin, +which attacks it on the wing with unfaltering Pluck, and compels it to +show the White Feather. + +This variety of the genus _corvus_ was well known to the ancients. Those +solemn Bores, the Latin augurs, were in the habit of foretelling the +triumph or downfall of the Roman Eagles by the flight of Crows, and St. +PETER was once convicted of three breaches of veracity by a Crow. The +bird has also been the theme of song--the carnivorous exploits of three +of the species having been repeatedly chanted by popular Minstrels. + +A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater--but that's a +fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a Mite for +Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this rapacious +creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human subject, it +relishes the _cheval mort_. During the late war, our government, with +exemplary liberality, purchased thousands of horses to feed the Southern +Crows. The consequence was that our Cavalry Charges were tremendous. + +The appearance of the Crow is grave and clerical, but it is nevertheless +an Offal bird when engaged on a Tear. It generally goes in flocks, and +the prints of its feet may be seen not only on the face of the Country, +but in many instances on the faces of the inhabitants. Naturalists do +not class it with the edible fowls. There may be men who _can_ eat crow, +but nobody hankers after it. The story of the man who "swallowed three +black crows" lacks confirmation. Looking at the whole tribe from a +Ration-al point of view, however, we have no hesitation in pronouncing +them excellent food--for powder. In this category may be included the +copper-colored Crows on our Western frontier. + + * * * * * + +THE CHURCH MILITANT. + +That Brooklyn is a City of Churches has long been known to people of +average intelligence. The following item, however, taken from a daily +paper, is very suggestive of the old saying, "The nearer the church," +etc. + +"JOHN BEATY bit off WM. HARPER'S face in April last, at a church fight +in Brooklyn, and then went to sea. Last night he came back, and was +arrested by officer Fox, who will take him before Justice WALSH to-day. +HARPER is disfigured for life." + +The matter-of-fact way in which the expression, "a church fight" is used +by the writer of the above item, seems to indicate that tabernacular +conflicts are rather the rule than the exception in "deeply religious" +Brooklyn. We were not prepared to expect, though, that theological +controversy ever ran further in Brooklyn than to the extent of "putting +a head on" one's antagonist, though now it appears that biting his face +off is more the thing. The statement that "HARPER is disfigured for +life," goes for nothing with us, as that depends altogether on what sort +of looking man he was previous to the removal of his features by means +of a dental apparatus. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "STERN PARENT. + +_Daughter_ "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH OF THE CLOSE +OF THE SERMON." + +_Father_. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES OF THE +CONGREGATION."] + + * * * * * + +THE WAR. + +It is with feeling of intense satisfaction and self complacency, that +Mr. PUNCHINELLO submits to his readers the following despatches relative +to the Great Railroad War, which have been collected at a fabulous cost, +by a large corps of reporters and correspondents specially detailed for +the purpose. + +WAR DECLARED! + +ERIE PALACE.--It is rumored that the "unpleasantness" which has for some +time past existed between the rival powers of the Erie and the Central, +will shortly culminate in open hostilities. Col. FISK, assisted by +twelve secretaries, is said to be actively engaged in drawing up a +formal Declaration. Great enthusiasm prevails here. The Erie Galop and +FISK Guard March (price 50 cents, including full length portrait of +Capt. SPENCER,) are played nightly in the Opera House, and are +vociferously re-demanded. Every member of the Ninth has been notified to +hold himself in readiness to turn out at fifteen minutes' notice. + +LATER. + +"Erie accepts the war which VANDERBILT proffers her." The "Blonde +Usher," accompanied by an extensive retinue of brother ushers, will bear +the gauge of battle to the Tyrant of the Central. He will cast It boldly +at VANDERBILT'S feet. It is announced that he will proceed to his +destination by way of the Eighth Avenue Car Line. The reply of the +Hudson River potentate is looked forward to with great interest. + +"CENTRAL" REPORTS. + +VANDERBILT received the Declaration of War with seeming calm. On the +departure of the Erie Emissary, however, his fortitude forsook him; he +threw himself on the neck of a baggage porter and wept aloud. At a late +hour this evening a trusted agent left here for the _Tribune_ office. He +is said to have held a long conference with Mr. GREELEY, the particulars +of which have not transpired. It is supposed by many to portend an +alliance, offensive and defensive, between the King of Central and the +Philosopher of Printing-House Square. + +FROM ERIE. + +Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 team went to +the front this morning. They are to be broken into the turmoil of war by +being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court injunction. A +Central spy, who was captured during the day, was immediately tried by +court-martial, and sentenced to be suspended from the flag-staff on top +of the building. He was executed at noon, a copy of the _Tribune_ being +tied to his feet, to add force to his fall and curtail his sufferings. +From legal documents found in his possession, the wretched being is +supposed to have been a minion of the law. The Narragansett and Long +Branch boats are being rapidly got ready for active service. Their +armament will consist of Parrott guns of large calibre. FISK says that +VANDERBILT will hear those Parrotts talk. + +DESPATCHES FROM THE CENTRAL. + +VANDERBILT is preparing for a grand flank movement upon the Erie forces. +He will transport passengers at one cent per head, insure their lives +for the trip, feed them on the way, and present them, on parting, with a +copy of H.G.'s paper. He has been reinforced by the _Tribune_, which +will continue to harass the enemy by attacks in the rear. + +ADVICES FROM ERIE. + +VICTORY!--By a well executed movement the Narragansett fleet under +command of Admiral Fisk, have succeeded in cutting off the _Tribune's_ +connection with Long Branch. A panic prevails in the _Tribune_ office. +HORACE GREELEY threatens, in retaliation, to lecture on farming along +the route of the Erie Railway, to the ruin of the agricultural interest +of the district. A meeting of prominent farmers has been convened to +protest against this outrage, and a strong body of Erie troops have been +sent to prevent H.G.'s advance. It is proposed, in case of attack, to +illuminate the Erie Palace by means of Colonel FISK'S big diamond, +which, it is estimated, would prove more powerful than a dozen calcium +lights. If this should not be dazzling enough, it is suggested that a +glimpse of the Colonel's $5,000 uniform might have the desired effect. +Amongst the novel instruments of warfare which the contest has given +birth to, is a new ball projected by the Prince of Erie. It will be +given at Long Branch, and will, no doubt, be very effective. + +LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH. + +As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, an elderly +man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of the officers +of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It proved to be the +sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt collar, by means of +which he no doubt hoped to avoid recognition. In his travelling bag was +found a tooth-brush and several copies of the _Tribune_. Upon being +tried and convicted of carrying contraband of war, he was sentenced to +give forthwith his reasons why J. C. BANCROFT DAVIS should not be +dismissed from his present office of Assistant Secretary of State. + +FROM SARATOGA. + +The news of Mr. GREELEY'S capture has affected the Commodore to such an +extent as to stretch him on a bed of sickness. JAY GOULD is reported +marching on Saratoga with a strong force. + +LATEST--PEACE! + +Central has capitulated! Erie is victorious! To-day a treaty is drawn up +by which everybody is made happy except Mr. GREELEY, who, it is +stipulated, must feign total ignorance of farming whenever he journeys +by the Erie Railway. + + * * * * * + +The place to look for them. + +_The Sun_, a few days ago, had an editorial article about a reported +theft of a box containing four large boa-constrictors. Might not a +search in the editorial boots disclose the whereabouts of the missing +reptiles? + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | For the accommodation of Strangers have opened | + | A large and elegant assortment of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | PLAIN AND PLAID POPLINS, | + | | + | Empress Cloths, | + | | + | SATINS DE CHINE, | + | | + | NEW STYLE CLOAKINGS. | + | | + | Paris and Domestic Made Suits | + | Extremely cheap. | + | | + | Children's elegantly embroidered | + | CLOAKS, DRESSES, INFANTS' ROBES. | + | | + | Paris Novelties in | + | LADIES' BASQUES, SACQUES, &c. | + | | + | A large assortment of | + | Housekeeping Goods, | + | CARPETS AND CURTAIN MATERIALS, | + | EMBROIDERED LACE AND | + | MUSLIN CURTAINS, | + | LADIES' UNDERWEAR AND GENERAL | + | OUTFITTING. | + | HOSIERY. | + | | + | Alexandra's Celebrated Kid Gloves. | + | | + | Splendid quality and New Style | + | Sash Ribbons, Sashes, Neckties, Millinery, and Trimming | + | Ribbons, &c. | + | | + | The above have been received per recent steamers, | + | and will be offered | + | At extremely attractive prices. | + | Strangers visiting our city are respectfully invited | + | to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering, at about one-half the cost of manufacture, | + | a large lot of | + | | + | Children's and Misses' | + | Plain, Chine and Plaid Poplin Suits, | + | | + | Handsomely Trimmed, | + | | + | Suitable for the present Season, $3 each, upwards. | + | | + | Sizes to suit the ages of 3 to 12 years. | + | | + | Also, the balance of their | + | | + | Linen, Lawn, and Barege Suits. | + | | + | At exceedingly low prices. | + | | + | The above specially deserves the attention of those | + | visiting out city. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | have opened a large assortment of | + | | + | PLAIN AND FANCY SILKS, | + | | + | Suitable for Autumn, | + | | + | From $1 per yard upward. | + | | + | Also, a case of | + | Very Rich Satin Brocatelles, | + | | + | The choicest goods manufactured. | + | | + | BONNET'S, PONSON'S AND A. T. STEWART & Co.'s | + | | + | PLAIN BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | The handsomest goods imported. | + | | + | TRIMMINGS, SILKS AND SATINS. | + | | + | In great variety, | + | | + | Cut to suit customers. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. ll x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13 x 18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: DIVORCES READY MADE. + +_Lawyer_--"A DIVORCE, MADAM?--CERTAINLY, BY ALL MEANS. BOY, GIVE THE +LADY A DIVORCE."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. Wholesale and Retail. | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for ... | + | $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 25, September +17, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 25 *** + +***** This file should be named 10033.txt or 10033.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10033/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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