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diff --git a/old/10032-8.txt b/old/10032-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e751411 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10032-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2622 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 24, September 10, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10032] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 24 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding will be sent postpaid on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | Carbolic Salve | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | Sole Agent for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Vol. I. No. 24. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, | + | ending with No. 26 September 24, | + | 1870. | + | | + | Bound in Fine Cloth. | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, | + | 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United | + | States on receipt of price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, | + | from October 1st, No. 27, and the | + | Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) | + | will be sent to any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three | + | Bound Volumes, with an extra copy of | + | Bound Volume, to any person sending | + | us three subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, | + | with a fine chromo premium, | + | for $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, | + | as the paper is elecrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this | + | volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal | + | discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper | + | everywhere. | + | | + | Address, | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | 83 Nassau St., N.Y. | + | P.O. Box No. 2783 | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July. | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 Broadway, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAIL-ROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | Nassau Street. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers,(Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J.M. Sprague | + | | + | Is the Authorized Agent of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For the | + | | + | New England States, | + | | + | To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XVII. + +INSURANCE AND ASSURANCE. + +Six months had come and gone and done it; the weather was as +inordinately hot as it had before been intolerably cold; and the +Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON stood waiting, in the gorgeous Office of the +Boreal Life Insurance Company, New York, for the appearance of Mr. +MELANCTHON SCHENCK. + +Having been directed by a superb young clerk, who parted his hair in the +middle, to "just stand out of the passage-way and amuse yourself with +one of our Schedules for awhile," until the great life-Agent should come +in, the Gospeler read a few schedulistic pages, proving, that if a +person had his life Insured at the age of Thirty, and paid his premiums +regularly until he was Eighty-five, the cost to him and profit to the +Company would, probably, be much more than the amount he had insured +for. It must, then, be evident to him, that, upon his death, at Ninety, +the Company would have received, in all, sufficient funds from him to +pay the full amount of his Policy to the lady whom he had always +introduced as his wife, and still retain enough to declare a handsome +Dividend for itself. Such was the sound business-principle upon which +the Boreal was conducted; and the merest child must perceive, that only +the extremely unlikely coincidence of at least four insurers all dying +before Eighty-five could endanger the solvency of the beneficent +institution.--Having mastered this convincing argument, and become +greatly confused by its plausibility, Mr. SIMPSON next gave some +attention to what was going on around him in the Office, and allowed his +overwrought mind to relax cheerfully in contemplation thereof. One of +human nature's peculiarities was quite amusingly exemplified in the +different treatment accorded to callers who were "safe risks," and to +those who were not. Thus, the whisper of "Here comes old Tubercles, +again!" was prevalent amongst the clerks upon the entrance of a very +thin, narrow-chested old gentleman, whom they informed, with +considerable humor, that he was only wasting hours which should be spent +with a spiritual adviser, in his useless attempts to take out a Policy +in _that_ office. The Boreal couldn't insure men who ought to be upon +their dying beds instead of coughing around Insurance offices. Ha, ha, +ha! Another gentleman, florid of countenance and absolutely without +neck, was quickly checked in the act of giving his name at one of the +desks; one clerk desiring another clerk to look, under the head of "A.," +in his book, for "_Apoplexy_," and let this man see that we can't take +such a risk as he is on any terms. A third caller, who really looked +quite healthy except around the eyes, was also assured that he need not +call again--"Because, you see," explained the clerkly wag, "it's no go +for you to try to play your BRIGHT'S Disease on _us!_" When, however, +the applicant was a robustious, long-necked, fresh individual, he was +almost lifted from his feet in the rush of obliging young Boreals to +show him into the room of the Medical Examiner; and when, now and then, +an agent, or an insurance-broker, came dragging in, by the collar, some +Safe Risk, just captured, there was an actual contest to see who should +be most polite to the panting but healthy stranger, and obtain his +private biography for the consideration of the Company. + +The Reverend OCTAVIUS studied these sprightly little scenes with +unspeakable interest until the arrival of Mr. SCHENCK, and then followed +that popular benefactor into his private office with the air of a man +who had gained a heightened admiration for his species. + +"So you have come to your senses at last!" said Mr. SCHENCK, hastily +drawing his visitor toward a window in the side-room to which they had +retired. "Let me look at your tongue, sir." + +"What do you mean?" asked the Gospeler, endeavoring to draw back. + +"I mean what I say. Let--me--see--your--tongue.--Or, stop!" said Mr. +SCHENCK, seized with a new thought, "I may as well examine your general +organization first." And, flying at the astounded Ritualistic clergyman, +he had sounded his lungs, caused a sharp pain in his liver, and felt his +pulse, before the latter could phrase an intelligent protest. + +"You may die at any moment, and probably will," concluded Mr. SCHENCK, +thoughtfully; "but still, on the score of friendship, we'll give you a +Policy for a reasonable amount, and take the chance of being able to +compromise with your mother on a certain per centage after the funeral." + +"I don't want any of your plagued policies!" exclaimed the irritated +Gospeler, pushing away the hand striving to feel his pulse again. + +"As you have expressed a desire to resign the guardianship of your +wards, Mr. and Miss PENDRAGON, and I have agreed to accept it, my +purpose in calling here is to obtain such statement of your account with +those young people as you may be disposed to render." + +"Ah!" returned the other, in sullen disappointment. "That is all, eh? +Allow me to inform you, then, that I have cancelled the Boreal policies +which have been granted to the Murderer and his sister; and allow me +also to remark, that a dying clergyman like yourself might employ his +last moments better than encouraging a Southern destroyer of human +life." + +"I do not, cannot believe that MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON is guilty," said Mr. +SIMPSON, firmly. "Having his full confidence, and thoroughly knowing his +nature, I am sure of his innocence, let appearances be what they may. +Consequently, it is my determination to befriend him." + +"And you will not have your life insured?" + +"I will not, sir. Please stop bothering me." + +"And you call yourself a clergyman!" cried Mr. SCHENCK, with intense +scorn. "You pretend to be a Ritualistic spiritual guide; you champion +people who slay the innocent and steal devout men's umbrellas; and yet +you do not scruple to leave your own high-church Mother entirely without +provision at your death.--In such a case," continued the speaker, +rising, while his manner grew ferocious with determination--"in such a +case, all other arguments having failed, my duty is plain. Yon shall not +leave this room, sir, until you have promised to take out a Boreal +Policy." + +He started, as he spoke, for the door of the private-office, intending +to lock it and remove the key; but the unhappy Ritualist, fathoming his +design, was there before him, and tore open the door for his own speedy +egress. + +"Mr. SCHENCK," observed the Gospeler, turning and pausing in the +doorway, "you allow your business-energy to violate all the most +delicate amenities of private life, and will yet drive some maddened +mortal to such resentful use of pistol, knife, or poker, as your +mourning family shall sincerely deplore. The articles on Free Trade and +Protection in the daily papers have hitherto been regarded as the climax +of all that utterly wearies the long-suffering human soul; but I tell +you, as a candid friend, that they are but little more depressing and +jading to the vital powers than your unceasing mention of +life-insurance." + +"These are strong words, sir," answered Mr. SCHENCK, incredulously. "The +editorial articles to which you refer are considered the very drought of +journalism; those by Mr. GREELEY, especially, being so dry that they are +positively dangerous reading without a tumbler of water." + +"Yon brought the comparison upon yourself, Mr. SCHENCK. Good day." + +Thus speaking, the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON hurried nervously from the +Boreal temple; not fairly satisfied that he had escaped a Policy until +he found himself safely emerged on Broadway and turning a corner toward +Nassau Street. Beaching the latter bye-way, after a brief interval of +sharp walking, he entered a building nearly opposite that in which was +the office of Mr. DIBBLE; and, having ascended numerous flights of +twilight stairs to the lofty floor immediately over the saddened rooms +occupied by a great American Comic Paper, came into a spidery garret +where lurked MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, + +"Hard at it?" he asked, approaching a ricketty table at which sat the +persecuted Southerner, reading a volume of HOYLE'S Games. + +"My only friend!" ejaculated the lonely reader, hurriedly covering the +book with an arm. "I am, as you see, studying law here, all alone with +these silent friends." + +He waved his thin hand toward a rude shelf on which were several +well-worn City Directories of remote dates, volumes of Patent Office +Reports for the years '57 and '59, a copy of Mr. GREELEY'S Essays on +Political Economy, an edition of the Corporation Manual, the Coast +Survey for 1850, and other inflaming statistical works, which had been +sent to him in his exile by thoughtful friends who had no place to keep +them. + +"Cheer up, brother!" exhorted the good Gospeler, "I'll send you some +nice theological volumes to add to your library, which will then be +complete. Be not despondent. All will come right yet." + +"I reckon it will, in time," returned the youth, moodily. "I suppose you +know that my sister is determined to come here and stay with me?" + +"Yes, MONTGOMERY, I have heard of her noble resolution. May her +conversation prove sustaining to you." + +"There will be enough of it, I reckon, to sustain half a dozen people," +was the despondent answer. "This is a gloomy place for her, Mr. SIMPSON, +situated, as it is, immediately over the offices of a Comic Paper." + +"And do you think she would care for cheerful accessories while you are +in sorrow?" asked the Gospeler, reproachfully. + +"But it is so mournful--that floor below," persisted the brother, +doubtfully. "If there were only something the least bit more lively down +there--say an Undertaker's." + +"A Sister's Love can lessen the most crushing gloom, MONTGOMERY." + +A silent pressure of the hand rewarded this encouraging reminder of +sanguine friendship; and, after the depressed law-student had promised +the Reverend OCTAVIUS to walk with him as far as the ferry in a few +moments, the said Reverend departed for a hasty call upon the old lawyer +across the street. + +Benignant Mr. DIBBLE sat near a front window of his office, and received +the visitor with legal serenity. + +"And how does our young friend enjoy himself, Mr. SIMPSON, in the +retreat which I had the honor of commending to you for him?" + +The visitor replied, that his young friend's retreat, by its very +loftiness, was calculated to inspire any occupant with a room-attic +affection. + +"And how, and when, and where did you leave Mr. BUMSTEAD?" inquired Mr. +DIBBLE. + +"As well as could be expected; this morning, at Bumsteadville," said the +Gospeler, with answer as terse and comprehensive as the question. + +"--Because," added the lawyer, quickly, "there he is, now, coming out of +a refreshment saloon immediately under the building in which our young +friend takes refuge." + +"So he is!" exclaimed the surprised Mr. SIMPSON, staring through the +window. + +There, indeed, as indicated, was the Ritualistic organist; apparently +eating cloves from the palm of his right hand as he emerged from the +place of refreshment, and wearing a linen coat so long and a straw hat +of such vast brim that his sex was not obvious at first glance. While +the two beholders gazed, in unspeakable fascination, Mr. BUMSTEAD +suddenly made a wild dart at a passing elderly man with a dark +sun-umbrella, ecstatically tore the latter from his grasp, and +passionately tapped him on the head with it. Then, before the astounded +elderly man could recover from his amazement, or regain the gold +spectacles which had been knocked from his nose, the umbrella, after an +instant of keen examination, was restored to him with a humble, almost +abjectly apologetic, air, and Mr. BUMSTEAD hurried back, evidently +crushed, into the refreshment saloon. + +"His brain must be turned by the loss of his relative," murmured the +Gospeler, pitifully. + +"His umbrellative, you mean," said Mr. DIBBLE. + +When these two gentlemen had parted, and the Reverend OCTAVIUS SIMPSON +had been escorted to the ferry, as promised, by MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, +the latter, after a long, insane walk about the city, with the +thermometer at 98 degrees, returned to his attic in time to surprise a +stranger climbing in through one of the back windows. + +"Who are you?" exclaimed the Southern youth, much struck by the funereal +aspect, sexton-like dress, and inordinately long countenance of the +pallid, light-haired intruder. + +"Pardon! pardon!" answered he at the window, with much solemnity. "I am +a proprietor of the Comic Paper down below, and am eluding the man who +comes every day to tell me how such a paper _should_ be conducted. He is +now talking to the young man writing the mail-wrappers, who, being of +iron constitution and unmarried, can bear more than I. There was just +time for me to glide out of the window at sound of that fearful voice, +and I climbed the iron shutter and found myself at your casement.--Hark! +Do you hear the buzz down there? He's now telling the young man writing +the mail-wrappers what kind of Cartoons should be got-up for _this_ +country.--Hark, again! and the young man writing the mail-wrappers have +clinched and are rolling about the floor.--Hark, once more! The young +man writing the mail-wrappers has put him out." + +"Won't you come in?" asked MONTGOMERY, sincerely sorry for the agitated +being. + +"Alas, no!" responded the fugitive, in the tone of a cathedral bell. + +"I must go back to my lower deep once more. My name is JEREMY BENTHAM; I +am very unhappy in my mind; and, with your permission, will often escape +this way from him who is the bane of my existence." + +Being assured of welcome on all occasions, he of the long countenance +went clanging down the iron shutter again; and the lonely law-student, +burying his face in his hands, prayed Providence to forgive him for +having esteemed his own lot so hopelessly gloomy when there were Comic +Paper men on the very next floor. + +That night, before going home to Gowanus, the old lawyer across the way +glanced up toward MONTGOMERY'S retreat, and shook his head as though he +couldn't make something out. Whether he had a difficult idea in his +brain, or only a fly on his nose, was for the observer to discover for +himself. + +(_To be Continued_.) + + * * * * * + +UNIVERSOCKDOLOGY. + +Mr. PUNCHINELLO: It afflicts me, one of your most assiduous readers, to +notice that you cast not even so much as a lack-lustre glance at the +brilliant gems that STEPHEN PEARL ANDREWS scatters periodically through +the columns of the _Evening Mail_ and WOODHULL & CLAFLIN'S _Weekly_. Are +the times out of joint; or is it your Italian nose? Do you fear to quote +the sublimated utterances of the perspicacious, although pleonastic +philosopher? Does he lead you in thought, or the expression thereof? +Then, wherefore? And if not, wherever may the just reason be found for +your indifference? + +The science of Universology, as so delightfully unfolded by Mr. ANDREWS, +is one that must ere long overtop and engulf all others, seeing that it +is, of itself, the science which embodies and contains all. It teaches +that the universe exists in time and space--a fact never discovered till +now--or that, rather, it exists in space and time, as the two negative +containers of its _statism_ or existence, and of its _motism_ or +eventuation, (its chain of events.) It shows that statism, or +world-existence-at-rest, in space, is analogous with the cardinal series +of numeration; and motism or world-existence-in-motion, in time, +analogous with the ordinal series of numbers; and that, finally, statism +and cardinism, (as of the four cardinal points in the orientation of +space,) are analogous with spiritualities and the spirit world; and that +motism and ordinism (succession by steps) are analogous with +temporalities, (transitory things) and so with the mundane or transitory +sphere. + +Now this is the whole subject in a nutshell--a subject it behooves you +and all other deep thinkers to grapple withal. Through your efforts to +spread the glorious truths thus ingeniously set forth, how much good +might be done! Think of the unravelling of the complications surrounding +the Germano-Gallic war; the light that might be thrown upon the sources +of HORACE GREELEY'S agricultural information; the settlement of the +Coolie question. Then, see what effect a clear and candid discussion of +the topic would have on the public morality, security, and peace! How +often it appears that, in spite of the normal equanimity observable in +circumstantial evidence, hereditary disciplinarisms are totally devoid +of potential abstemiousness. This may be owing to the fact that at ebb +and neap tides the obliquity of vision (duism) remarked by most invalid +veterans in their occasional _adversaria_, is unconscious of their +parental dignity, and by no means to be confounded with the referees in +astronomical or pharmaceutical cases, or with ordinary omphalopsychites. +Whatever be or not be the result of these investigations and +calculations, it is consolatory to the student of proportional +hemispheres to remark that, whichever way the sophist may turn, he +_must_ invariably rely on the softer impeachments of a hireling crowd, +with + + "Water, water, everywhere, + And not a drop to drink," + +and give up all personal interest in the homogeneous relations arising +from too precipitate a ratiocination of events, urging, at the same +time, the positive proportions exercised in the administration of a not +over particular dormitory, and the replication of +chameleonizing--constantly chameleonizing, odoriferosities. + +Yours, PATHIST. + + * * * * * + +About Face! + +Recent London advices briefly state that EDMUND ABOUT, the missing +correspondent of the _Soir_, has turned up somewhere. Our Cockney +informant imagines that M. ABOUT, like his distinguished ancestor, +(ABOU, B.A.,) found his "sweet dream of peace" too rudely disturbed by +the howlings of the Prussian dogs of war, and decided to 'ead About for +Paris, simply in order to avoid being 'eaded off by the enemy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN YOU GO TO LONG BRANCH, DO NOT TAKE A NEWFOUNDLAND +DOG WITH YOU. I BROUGHT ONE DOWN WITH ME HERE, AND WHENEVER I GO OUT TO +TAKE A LITTLE DIP, THE FAITHFUL CREATURE WILL INSIST ON DRAGGING ME +ASHORE."--_Letter from a Friend_.] + + * * * * * + +SUMMER AT SANDY POINT. + +_Sandy Point, August 18, 1870_. + +PRELIMINARY FLOURISHES. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:[1] Nature demands a change of air. Man needs rest. +Invigoration is necessary to health. The throbbing brain must shut down +on its throbbing. + +Hence second-class hotels, with first-class prices; hence hard beds, no +gas, and many flies. I say--"Hence--flies," but as a general thing I +notice they will not hence. + +WHERE TO GO. + +Those who are fond of flees may flee to the mountains. I know when I've +got enough, and I prefer to surf it on the sea shore. Take the 3-1/2 +A.M. train, and come to + +SANDY POINT. + +Everything here is sand as far as the eye can reach, or a horse and +wagon, with a profane driver, can travel. The ocean laves the beach. The +sea also is here. The tide comes in twice a day. This alone gives Sandy +Point a great advantage over all other points on the coast. + +I rode up in the regular conveyance, and soon after my arrival found +myself standing on the spacious and elegant piazza of + +THE CHARNEL HOUSE, + +a palatial structure erected by the late Mr. CHARNEL, who is said to +have lavished an immense fortune upon it. Strictly speaking, he didn't +lavish quite so much paint on the front as an advanced civilization had +a right to expect; but within, everything, (including the clerk,) +appears to have been furnished with an eye to + +LUXURIOUS COMFORT, + +Mr. SOAPINGTON, the genial landlord, Mr. RICHARD SOAPINGTON, Jr., the +gentlemanly clerk, Mrs. SOAPINGTON, the accomplished hostess, and the +lovely Miss CLARA SOAPINGTON, all greeted me with that hearty welcome, +so dear to the traveller. SOAPINGTON said he was glad to see me, and, +seeing that it was me, he would be willing to infringe on his inflexible +rule, and would allow me to pay + +CASH IN ADVANCE. + +Madame S. was sorry she couldn't set me up a cot in the wash-room, but +would be compelled to let me have a double front-room over the bar. I +told her if the apartment had a practicable trap door I thought I could +get along. + +RICHARD S., Jr., was sure he had met me before; and, as a friend, he +would say the establishment was not responsible for valuables unless +deposited in the safe. He would take my watch and jewelry to wear while +I was there, inasmuch as + +HE WAS THE SAFE HIMSELF. + +The charming Miss S. didn't say anything, but she smiled, and looked +such unutterable things from behind the blinds, that I expect to find it +all in the bill. + +Everybody that can get a railroad pass should come to Sandy Point + +WHAT TO DO. + +Sit in the reading-room and look over the torn files of two daily papers +a week and a half old; or study a hotel advertiser. + +THE SURF BATHING + +is magnificent. The prevalence of an unmitigated undertow renders it +quite exhilarating for old ladies and invalids. Any one who is drowned +will have every attention paid to his remains,--by the sharks. + +BOATING. + +Everybody boats. The ROWE Brothers are here, and sing on the water by +moonlight. You can blister your bands at an oar, or bale out the boat, +just as your taste inclines. As the life-preserver is a little out of +repair, I stay on shore. + +FISHING. + +Everybody fishes. There are all varieties, from speckled trout and +mackerel, up to conger eels, horse mackerel, and porpoises. Parties +frequently come back with all the fishing they want. If absent a week on +a trip, they can make arrangements to have their board run on just the +same. + +DRIVING. + +Everybody drives. The roads are of unsurpassing loveliness. They drive +every day. If the waiters would drive a few flies out of the +dining-room, we wouldn't sit down quite so many at table. + +WHO ARE HERE. + +Sandy Point, with all its native attractions, would be nothing were it +not for the beauty and fashion that throng its halls. There are men here +who can draw their note for any amount. Here is an ex-member of +Congress; there a double X brewer, both immensely wealthy. Diamonds +abound. There is a hop in the parlor every evening and preaching on +Sundays. + +I should not forget a paralytic washwoman in my section of the house, +who has a prevailing idea, when she brings home my clothes, that eleven +pieces make a dozen. + +Reader, if you seek + +THE FLUSH OF HEALTH, + +come down here! I wasn't very flush when I got here, but I don't intend +to go away till I've put myself into thorough repair. + +Yours, SARSFIELD YOUNG. + +[Footnote 1: SOAPINGTON, of the hotel here, and I, have been skirmishing +over a board bill for a couple of weeks, and he has finally outflanked +me to the amount of about $40. I think if you will insert this +correspondence it will be all right. S. will succumb.] + + * * * * * + +A War Conundrum. + +When are soldiers like writers for the press? When they charge by the +column. + + * * * * * + +A well-tilled Soil. + +The article on DICKENS, in the August number of the _Atlantic Monthly_, +is certainly suggestive of fresh Fields, if not of pastures new. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +Sometimes Mr. PUNCHINELLO is very busy. Not only has he upon his +shoulders the ordinary labors of conductor of a great journal, but he +has much to do for other people. His editors, his printers, his binders, +his artists, his engravers, his corps of clerks, his office and errand +boys, and all connected with his extensive establishment, come to him +from time to time for advice in regard to the investment of their +surplus earnings, and between assisting in the purchase of a farm for +this one, a house for the other, and all sorts of stocks and bonds for +the rest, he is often terribly pressed for time. + +No one who is not looked up to by a crowd of grateful dependents, all +fattening in the shadow of his prosperity, as it were, can understand +Mr. P's. feelings of responsibility at such times. + +Such an unusual demand upon his time occurred last week, and Mr. P. +found that he would not be able to spend a few days as usual at some +fashionable watering place. But be must have some recreation, so he +determined to have a day's fishing among the celebrated Thousand Islands +of the St. Lawrence. He put some luncheon in a basket, and set off quite +early in the morning. Finding that some twenty hours were consumed in +the transit, Mr. P. thought that, considering his hurry, he had better, +perhaps, have gone to Newark for a day's fishing off the piers. But he +was at the St. Lawrence now, and it would not do to complain. He hired a +boat, lines, bait and two navigators, and set out bravely. + +He sailed among a crowd of islands where either the bowsprit or the boom +was continually getting caught in the shrubbery and rocks, until he came +to island No. 18. Here was a picnic party. + +For reasons which the accompanying view may render obvious, Mr. P. and +his men declined the invitation of the picnickers to stop and join them. +The boat continued on until it reached the channel between islands No. +87 and No. 88, and there Mr. P. got out his lines and commenced to fish, +trolling his bait behind as the boat slowly sailed, under the hot sun, +among those lovely isles, where, to be sure, burning's half o' the +sport, but where "burning SAPPHO" would have lost herself utterly, and +probably have tumbled into some of the watery intricacies and have put +herself out. + +Mr. P. did not have much luck at first. He caught one muskallonge, after +a period of patient waiting which he feels he also must call long, and +once, when he thought he was hauling in a fine bass, he turned very red +when the boatmen laughed at seeing him "cotch an eel." But after a while +he got a royal bite. He hauled in manfully, and although, owing to the +intricacies of the channel, he could not see what he had caught, he knew +it was a fine fellow from its weight. At last, after tremendous tugging, +he got it in over the stem. + +It was one of the thousand islands! + +What could be done now? + +The steersman, who had slipped under a seat when he saw the great mass +above him, and the man who managed the sails, were both Canadians, and +after a great deal of excited talk, they agreed if Mr. P. would make it +worth their while, they would endeavor to put the island back in its +place and make no remarks in public which would tend to produce a +misunderstanding between the governments of Great Britain and the United +States, on the ground of undue acquisition of territory. By the payment +of a sum, which it will require a club of thirty subscribers to make +good to him, Mr. P. concluded the arrangement, and they sailed back to +replace the island. But what was the horror of the party, when they +perceived on the unfortunate bit of British territory, a plate, which +had stuck fast by reason of a covering of the juice of plum-pie, and a +fork which was rammed firmly into the earth! + +It needed but few collateral evidences to convince Mr. P. and his men +that this was the island where they had seen the picnic. + +And where were the picnickers? + +If any of Mr. P's. subscribers in Prince EDWARD Island, Costa Rica, the +Gallipagoes, or other outstanding places, receive their paper rather +late this week, they are informed that, in consequence of his having +spent three entire days exploring the labyrinth of these islands in +order to find the bodies of the unfortunate party of pleasure, (which +bodies he did not find,) Mr. P. was very much delayed in his office +business. His near patrons received their papers in due time, but those +at a distance will excuse him, he feels sure, when they consider what +his feelings must have been, while grappling for an entire picnic. + +The island was dumped down anywhere, without reference to its former +place. When the Alabama claims are settled, Mr. P. will go back and +adjust it properly. + +Mr. P. gained nothing by this trip but the knowledge that there are but +980 of these islands, which an unscrupulous monarchy imposes upon a +credulous people as a full thousand, and the gloom which would naturally +pervade a man, after an occurrence of the kind just narrated. + +On his way home, he stopped for supper at Albany, and there he met CYRUS +W. FIELD and Commodore VANDERBILT. One of these gentlemen was looking +very happy and the other very doleful. + +(Illustration: The tall gentleman in the picture is Mr. FIELD--not that +he is really so very tall--but he is elevated. The short one is the +Commodore--so drawn, not because he is short, but because he is +depressed.) + +After the compliments of the season, (warm ones,) Mr. P. asked his +friends how the war in Europe affected them. + +"Gloriously!" cried Mr. FIELD. "Nothing could be better. The messages +fly over our cables like--like--like lightning. Why, sir, I wish they +would keep up the war for ten years." + +"And you, sir?" said Mr. P. to the Commodore. + +"Oh, I hate it!" said VANDERBILT. "They send neither men nor munitions +by our road. It is an absolute dead loss of hundreds of thousands of +dollars to me that my railroad is on this side of the ocean. I shall +never cease to deplore it." + +"But sir," said Mr. P. "the war may cause a great exportation of grain +from the West, and then your road will profit." + +"Don't believe it," said the Commodore. "The war will stop exportation." + +"It goes against the grain with him, any way you fix it," said Mr. +FIELD, with a festive air. "He can't carry any messages." + +"On a cabalistic cable," remarked Mr. P. + +CYRUS smiled. + +"No, air," said the Commodore, reverting to his grievances. "Never has +such a loss happened to me, since I went into New York Centrals." + +"Well, I tell you, VANDY," said Mr. FIELD, "if you and other grasping +creatures had kept away from New York's entrails it would have been much +better for the body corporate of the State." + +"Look here!" cried the Commodore, in a rage. + +Mr. FIELD looked there, but Mr. P. didn't. He thought it was time to go +for his train, and he went. + + * * * * * + +SEVERAL UNSAVORY RENDERINGS. + +Why there should be such a thing as a New York Rendering Company is a +puzzle to thoughtful minds. Persons resident in certain districts of the +city, that border on the North River, though, are cognizant of that +Company. The North River nose knows the Co., and would close itself to +it, only that it is too close upon it to close effectually. + +And what are the New York Rendering Company, and to whom do they render, +and what? Lard bless you! sir, or madam, they comprise a thing that +lives, if not by the sweat of its brow, at least by the suet of its +boilers. The dead horses of the city car companies are the creature's +normal food. Nor does it despise smaller venison, for it can batten upon +dead kittens, too, and fatten upon asphyxiated pup. Carnivorous, +decidedly, is the creature concreted by the New York Rendering Company, +converting all that it touches into fat, and so, living literally upon +the fat of the land. That the Company render other things besides fat, +however, has been for some time past a subject of complaint against +their management, and here are a few details of their renderings. + +Once the atmosphere of the bays and rivers of New York was a source of +health to the excursionists who, in summer time, seek relaxation by +inexpensive voyages upon the waters adjacent to the city. By casting the +refuse of their carrion into these waters, the New York Rendering +Company have rendered foul and noxious the once healthful atmosphere of +our aquarian outlets, rendering themselves a nuisance, at the same time. + +Thus, anything like a "pleasure" excursion by water, in the neighborhood +of New York, has been rendered impossible during the present season, by +the New York Rendering Company. + +Off all the shores of our bays Offal has accumulated, and that during +the hottest summer on record for these latitudes. The waters have thus +been rendered unfit for bathing in, as the air has been rendered +pernicious to breathe--another rendering by the New York Rendering +Company, whose manifest mission is to offalize the world. + +It is pleasant to know, then, that the renderings of the New York +Rendering Company are likely to be reactionary as well as suicidal, +(perhaps suetcidal might be a better word here,) in their results. Their +"offence is rank," and has reached the nose of authority, for we find it +stated that "Mayor HALL has already made complaint against the New York +Rendering Company, and that they will he indicted at the next sitting of +the Grand Jury." + +And when their boiling nuisances come to be seized, as we trust they +will be, how jolly to see them "rendering to Seizer" all that has +rendered them the nuisance they are! Then let them render up the ghost, +and go out spluttering, like a dip candle from one of their own rancid +renderings--and so an end of them. + + * * * * * + +A CARD OF THANKS. + +PUNCHINELLO is extremely indebted to _The Sun_ for the association of +the names of several worthy gentlemen with the ownership of the only +first-class Illustrated Humorous and Satirical paper published in +America: (Subscription price, for one year, $4.00. Single copies 10 +cents. Office, 83 Nassau St., New York.) + +Well, it is something to be credited with having decent men about you; +perhaps if _The Sun_ would try the experiment it would be found more +purifying than even the sermons of O. DYER. + + * * * * * + +WHY IT IS SO DRY. + +We _thought_ it had something to do with a lack of moisture in the air; +and now, along comes Monsieur PROU, another philosopher, and merely says +what we had thought. He declares that there was so much ice last winter +(come now, gentlemen of the Ice Companies, what have you to say to +that?) it couldn't melt in time to evaporate in time to supply moisture +in time for the necessary showers. (Somehow, there's an eternity of +"time" in that sentence; but _n'importe: allons!_) We think PROU has +proved his case. And, although we can't quite sympathise with his +suggestion that detachments of sappers and miners be employed in the +spring-time, in Arctic (and doubtless also Antarctic) regions, in +blowing up icebergs and otherwise facilitating the operations of old +Sol, we give the ingenious Frenchman credit for at least as much +philosophic acumen as we ourselves possess: and Heaven only knows how +superb a compliment we thus convey! + +Couldn't our friend Capt. HALL be requested to watch the Pole a little +next winter, and look into this idea of ours and PROU'S? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CIRCUMSTANCES WILL COMPEL THE STATELIEST OF MEN TO STOOP, +SOMETIMES. GETTING A LIGHT FROM THE STUMP OF A NEWSBOY'S CIGAR IS ONE OF +THEM.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SCENE FROM OLD NICK-OLOS NICK-OLBY. + +THE EMPEROR DE MANTALINI GOING TO THE "DEMNITION BOW-WOWS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR POLICE REPORT. + +On Tuesday last a suspicious looking man was arrested by the police, and +taken to the One Hundred and Fourth Precinct Station House, on several +charges of disorderly acts perpetrated by him in various parts of the +city. He gave his name as CHARLES A. DANA, and was locked up for the +night. + +Yesterday morning, prisoner was brought before Justice DOWNY, at the +Jephson Market Police Court. + +Officer LOCUST, being called to testify, stated that his attention was +directed to the prisoner, on Tuesday afternoon last, by some boys in +Fourteenth Street. Prisoner was standing on the side-walk, on the side +of the street opposite Tammany Hall. He was armed with a small pewter +squirt, with which he was trying to smear the front of that building by +drawing up dirty water from the gutter. The range of the squirt did not +appear to reach more than half-way across the street. The water used was +very foul, leaving stains upon a dirt-cart that was passing. While +witness was watching the prisoner, the Hon. WM. M. TWEED came down the +steps from Tammany Hall, and, upon seeing him, prisoner ran away, but +was seized by witness, before he could make his escape. + +On being interrogated by the magistrate, prisoner said that he hardly +knew what he was doing when arrested. The _Sun_ was in his eyes at the +time. If it hadn't been so, he would not have missed his shot. He must +do something for a living, and he thought that throwing dirty water was +as good an occupation as any other. Had made money out of it by +threatening respectable people with his pewter squirt, and they would +give him money rather than have their clothes soiled. He would do +anything to make money; and he didn't in the least mind dirtying his +hands in the making of it. + +To a question by the magistrate, as to whether he had had anything to do +with casting offal into the bay, prisoner laughed in a wild manner, and +said that he, for one, could never be accused of wasting good, honest +dirt in that way. All the offal in the world, said prisoner, wasn't too +much for him to use in bespattering the objects of his attention, +friends as well as foes. He had heaved tons of offal, already, at Mr. A. +OAKEY HALL, (whom he evidently imagined to be an Irishman, and called +O'HALL,) He didn't care whom he hit, in fact, so long as he could make +it pay. + +A gentleman connected with the velocipede interest, whose name our +reporter did not catch, here stated that he became acquainted with +prisoner nearly two years ago, while the velocipede frenzy was at its +height. He had constructed to order for the prisoner a peculiar +velocipede called the _"Sun Squirt."_ It had a Dyer's tub attached to +it, which was filled with bilge-water. On this machine, the prisoner, +armed with a pewter squirt, used to practise for several hours a day, +careering rapidly around the rink, and taking flying shots, as he went, +at large posters attached to the wall, having portraits on them of +General GRANT, Hon. H. GREELEY, Hon. WM. M. TWEED, The Mayor, Governor +HOFFMAN, and several other citizens of admitted position and +respectability. The bilge-water usually came back upon him, however, and +he was generally a humiliating object on leaving the rink. + +Prisoner, on being asked by the magistrate whether he had any references +respecting character to give, replied in the negative, whereupon orders +were issued to lock him up, pending the appearance of Mr. PUNCHINELLO, +who will have some statements to make about him at a future day. + +A reward of $5,000 has been offered for any information about the pewter +squirt, and particularly as to when, and by whom it was made; and, as +detectives are now engaged in working up the case, there can be but +little doubt that the vile instrument will ere long be identified. + + * * * * * + +DISTRESSING. + +Some awful smasher of cherished notions is trying to make out that +ROUGET DE LISLE was not the real author of the famous _Marseillaise_, +but that he stole it from the Germans. It pains us to contemplate the +possibility of the charge being true, but, should it prove to be so, we +suggest that the name of the accepted author be changed from ROUGET to +ROGUEY DE LISLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT WILL HE DO WITH IT?" + +_Servant._ "MASSA FENTON AND MASSA CONKLIN HAVE SENT DIS YERE FOUNDLIN' +TO YER, TO TOOK KEER OF FOR A FEW WEEKS." + +_Matron Greeley._ "O: DEAR, DEAR! AND IF IT SHOULD DIE ON MY HANDS, +WHO'S TO PAY THE FUNERAL EXPENSES?"] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN AMONG THE FAT MEN. + +The "Last Gustive" attends the Annual Clam-Bake. + +Empires may totter and Dienastys pass in their checks. + +Politicians may steal the Goddess of Liberty poorer than JOB'S old +Maskaline Gobbler. + +J. FISK, Jr., may set the heel of his bute down onto the neck of Rail +Rodes--Steambotes--ballet gals, and all that sort o' thing, and this +mundane speer will jog along, as slick as a pin, and no questions asked. + +But deprive a Fat man of his little clam-bake, and it would be full as +pleasant as settin' down onto a Hornet's nest, when the Hornet family +were all to home. + +That's so. + +Another cargo of clams has gone to that born whence no clam returns, +onless you ram your finger down your throte, or take an Emetick. + +In the words of Commodore PERRY, who is, alas! no more. + +"The misfortenit bivalves meet the Fat man, and they're his'n." + +Altho' I'me not much on the fat order myself, I received an invitation +to attend the grate Clam-bake. Mrs. GREEN put me up a lunch to eat on +the cars, and robin' myself in a cleen biled shirt, I sholdered my +umbreller and left Skeensboro. + +The seen at Union Park was sublime with plenty of Ham fat. If all flesh +is grass, thought I, when old _tempus fugit_ comes along with his mowin' +masheen to cut this crop of fat men, I reckon he will have to hire some +of his nabor's barns, to help hold all of his hay. + +Great mountins of hooman flesh were bobbin' about like kernals of corn +on a red hot stove, remindin' me of a corn field full of punkins set up +on clothes pins. + +The little heads on top of the great sweating bodies, looked as if they +were sleev buttons drove in the top of the Punkins. + +When a fat man laffs, his little head sinks down into his shirt collar, +and disappears in the fat, like a turtle's head when you tickle his nose +with a sharp stick. + +And then to see them eat clams. I've seen men punish clams by the +bushel--by the barrel--but never did I see men shovel clams in by the +cart load before. + +"Gee-whitaker," said I, to a Reporter of a N.Y. Journal, "them critters +must have a dredful elastic stomack." + +"Yes," said he, "when Fat-men get clam hungry, the sea banks has to give +up her clams, and the grocery keepers furnish the seasonin'." + +"Wall," said I, "if the Sea has many such runs on her clam-banks as +this, she will have to put on her shutters soon, and go into +lickerdation." + +"In which state," said he laffin', "it would be exceedin'ly +_clam_-etous." + +The members of the Fat Men's Club all went prepared for hot weather, +dressed in a linnen soot and carryin' palm leaf fans. + +I also notised large fassits onto the toes of their butes, so as to let +out the grease occasionly, and keep there butes from sloppin' over. + +President RANSOM told me, that a fat man's wife invented the fassets, so +as to save sope grease. + +"One fat man in hot weather," said Mister RANSOM, "will furnish grease +enuff, in the summer time, to keep his family in soft sope the year +around, besides supplyin' two or three daily papers with a lot." + +Between you and me, Friend PUNCHINELLO, that greasy yarn seems rather +too slipperry to swaller, but I guess it'll wash after all. + +PETER REED, of New York, and Docter WHITBECK, of West Troy, danced the +hiland fling for the championship and a barrel of clams. + +"While PETE was cuttin' a pigin wing, and the Dr. was rakin' down a +dubble shuffle, they made things rattle, and naborin' towns thought it +was an airthquake, and began movin' out their feather beds. + +"Go it, my fat friends," said I, to encourage 'em, "blood will tell, and +exercise help to digest your clams." + +They shook their feet ontil exhausted natur, from necessity, ceased to +be virtous, when suddenly they both tumbled over onto their backs, and +blowed like porpoises. + +The weather bein' hot, a shovel full of cloride of lime was sprinkled +onter them, to keep them from gettin' fly blode. + +I was introjuced to a North River steembote pilot, whose corporosity +looked like the Commissary department of a Prushion Regiment. + +"How are you, Paunchy Pilate," said I, gettin' off a joak at his +expense. "How many clams have you crucifide to-day?" + +"Bully for you, ole man. Haw! haw! he! he! ho! ho!" roared half a dozen +fat men at my faceshusness, and they laffed and shook their sides, ontil +I thought they'd colaps a floo and spatter me. + +One of them fat men approched me, and invited me to have a game of leep +frog. + +"Excuse me, Captin," said I, "when I get so I can sholder an elefant, +I'le come around and accomodate you." + +Some was playin' tag. Some was playin' blindman's-buff, while all was +amusin' themselves, at some innocent pastime or other. + +The day's performance was closed by chasin' a greased pig. + +The hog was well greased and let loose, and the whole lot of fat men +started pell-mell. + +It was "Root hog, or die" with the odds in favor of the Hog. + +All of a sudden, the hog turned back, and the fat men coulden't stop, +when down they all fell on top of poor piggy, smashin' him flatter'n a +pancake. + +The bystanders were startin' for derricks and jack-screws to raise the +fat men off from each other. + +"Hold on," says I, "I know a trick worth 2 of that." + +I rusht into the house, and ceasin' the dinner-bell, rung it as hard as +I could. + +It delited me, in my old age, to see them chaps scrabble when they heard +that bell. + +In 10 seconds time, only one member of the pile diden't git up, and +rise, and that was the hog. + +It was a cruel deception--but I believe the mean trick justifide the +end, and saved the Bord of Helth a big bill of expense. For sure's +you're borned, it would have been a meesely old job, cartin' of that big +pile of corrupshun. + +I had seen enuff for one day. + +My fisikle and intelectooal capacity was gorged. + +Foldin' my Filacteries, and pickin' up my bloo cotton parashoot, I fled +the seen, hily tickled to think I wasen't a fat man. + +Virtously of thee, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WOMAN ASSERTS HER RIGHTS] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL ARTICLE. + +WALL STREET, August 9th, 1870. + +SIR:--It is with feelings of indignation and scorn that I proceed once +more to pollute my pen with the chronicles of a mercenary rabble. It +_had_ been thought that the remonstrances of the pure and high-minded +among your readers would have sufficed to overcome the resolution of an +infatuated, but not Criminal Editor. There was a time when the claims of +a _Certain Contributor_ were wont to be considered. But the passion for +worldly greed has, alas! perverted a too simple nature, and where the +Muses once found a congenial resting place, the demon Mammon now sits in +GHASTLY TRIUMPH. + +I will not here refer to my threat of resignation, nor to the shouts of +diabolical laughter with which it was received by the conductor of a +Comic Journal, whose name it would not become me to mention. Suffice it +to say that those sentiments of loyalty and affection which have ever +been my glory, and a keen appreciation of the difficulty of obtaining +employment on the Press, have kept me attached to the staff of +PUNCHINELLO. The anguish which Finance has cost an artistic soul no one +may ever know. The silent tear may fall, but it shall be buried in my +bosom. The spectacle of my hidden suffering shall stand as a reproach to +one whom I once HONORED and now PITY. + +Divesting myself of that part of my nature which is comprised in the +good, the beautiful and true, I betook myself yesterday to Wall Street +and the Gold Room. At the portals of the Financial Menagerie, a +gentleman placed his hand upon my shoulder. + +Was I a subscriber? + +No, but I was a comic writer. + +He said I looked as though I had seen misfortune. If I was not a +subscriber, perhaps I had been in the Penitentiary, served out a +sentence at Sing Sing, or procured a divorce from my wife? + +I had done none of these things. + +I was not a member of the Legislature? + +No. + +A brilliant idea struck him. Perhaps I had been an editor? + +I pleaded guilty. + +He thought that would do--I might go in. + +I went in, and herewith submit to you the result of my investigations. + +NINE O'CLOCK.--On opening this morning, a scarcity of money was +perceptible in the market. It was especially perceptible in the case of +your contributor. (This is _not_ a hint that a week's salary in advance +would be acceptable.) Peanuts are much sought after. (They are excellent +things to pelt a fellow with.) Apples were inquired after, but upon a +rumor that they were unripe, they declined several per cent. + +HALF PAST NINE.--The following telegram has just been received here. + +"METZ, August 11th. + +_"To His Serene Highness, the Prince of Erie, Duke of the Grand Opera +House, Admiral of Narragansett, Commander of the Ninth, etc., etc., +etc., Erie Palace, New York City._ + +"ROYAL BROTHER:--Louis has received his baptism of fire. McMAHON wept. +He is training to dispute with Miss LOUISA MOORE, the proud title of the +'Champion Weepist.' + +"Send me the Ninth, and the flower of _Opera Bouffe_--aye, even the +great SCHNEIDER--shall be thine. 'Tis France that calls--be kind. +Fraternally thine own, + +NAP." + +It was at first thought that H.S.H. would accede to the Emperor's +request, his recent treaty with the Court of the _Grande Duchesse_ and +his diplomatic relations with the Viennoise Ballet Troupe having +rendered the event far from improbable. It was also considered that the +hostility which he has openly displayed towards the British Erie +Protection Committee would predispose him in favor of England's natural +enemy. In view of the possible departure of the Ninth, and the +consequent prolongation of the European war, gold rose several degrees +above freezing point. + +TEN O'CLOCK.--The Ninth, don't go to Europe after all. Several members +of Company "K" were observed to shed tears of vexation--or joy! Here is +Col. FISK'S reply. + +"To NAPOLEON, _(not in Berlin.)_" + +"EFFETE MONARCH:--Can't spare the b-hoys at any price. They're going +into camp down at the 'Branch.' Besides, some of them haven't paid for +their uniforms yet. With regards to Eugenie," + +"I am Right Royally Yours," + +JAS. FISK, JR. + +"P.S.--If a large diamond, a team of six black and white horses, a +Sound steamer, or a copy of the _Tribune_, would be of any use to you, +command me. I might also spare you GOULD and some of my relations in +case you were very short of men, and had _some very perilous positions_ +to fill up. JAMES." + +HALF PAST TEN.--Speculators in New York Central and Hudson River +securities are much excited over a report that Commodore VANDERBILT had +been seen to purchase a watering hose in the store of a well known +manufacturer of gardening implements, on Broadway. He wrapped it in +brown paper, placed it in his $1000 buggy, and drove away behind Dexter +at the rate of 0:01-1/4 per minute. I have it on good authority that +there is no truth in the rumor, circulated a few days ago, that the +Commodore was engaged in negotiation with the Paid Fire Department for +the use of their engines, etc., on some occasion not far distant. + +ELEVEN O'CLOCK.--It is now officially announced that the watering hose +referred to in my last is intended for gardening purposes only. + +HALF PAST ELEVEN.--Great war between Erie and the _Tribune_. _Tribune_ +interdicted on Erie Railway and Boston and Long Branch steamers. +Desolation of the Hub in consequence. Panic amongst _Tribune_ +stockholders. + +TWELVE.--FISK says that the _Tribune_ is so _heavy_ that it _must_ far +the future be paid for by _weight_, on his steamers. It is felt that +this course, if adopted by Mr. GREELEY, would be financially ruinous to +the interests of his paper. + +HALF PAST TWELVE.--It is stated here that Mr. GREELEY, in the effectual +disguise of a bran new hat and respectable boots, succeeded in smuggling +a carpet bag filled with _Tribunes_ on board the _Plymouth Rock_. Much +anxiety is felt here concerning his fate, in case the Admiral should +discover his presence on board. + +ONE O'CLOCK.--In a letter just received, Mr. GREELEY designates the +above report as "a lie--a lie--false and malicious, and uttered with +intent to malign and defame." I publish Mr. G's correction with +pleasure. + +HALT PAST ONE.--For some days past a steady decline has been noticeable +in Government securities; a want of confidence in the Executive is said +to be the cause. It is reported that several of our leading financiers +have openly indicated their dissatisfaction with the policy of those in +power at Washington. + +Two O'CLOCK.--The leading financier referred to in my last I find to be +JAMES FISK, JR. + +HALF PAST TWO.--He indicated his dissatisfaction with the policy of the +Government, to the President at Long Branch, thus: Having transferred +all the jewels from his left hand to the right, and carefully adjusted +them there, he raised the hand in question to his finely cut Roman nose, +then, extending his fingers, he twirled them for several minutes without +exhibiting any symptoms of fatigue. GRANT is said to have allowed a +prime Partaga to drop from between his lips in his surprise. + +THREE O'CLOCK.--It is now rumored that Fisk did not apply his fingers in +the manner stated. + +HALF PAST FOUR.--Market (at Delmonico's) gone frantic over a consignment +of _Opera Bouffe_ sent by the Erie Protection Committee as a mark of +confidence in the present Erie management. Eries said to be in good +voice. Preferred stock will open in about a month with an extensive and +carefully selected ballet. _Premiéres Danseuses_ (hic) strong, with +extensive sales. Scenery (hic) quiet, (hic.) Appointments active (hic.) + +GREENBAGS. + + * * * * * + +Influence of Association. + +Reading on one of the bulletin boards, the other day, the words "War to +the Last!" we were irresistibly reminded of the difficulty that lately +existed between the native and Chinese Crispins in Massachusetts. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY TO BECOME GREAT. + +Half-witted people, only, will suppose I mean _grate_, for the most +obtuse nincompoop must know that anybody can become a grate man by going +into the stove business; but to develop yourself into a real _bonâ-fide_ +great man, like GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN or DANIEL PRATT, requires much +study and a persistent effort. I have carefully thought out this +subject, and have reduced my reflections and observations to a series of +rules, which, for the benefit of humanity, I propose to make public. + +It must he premised that there are many varieties of great men. Daddy +LAMBERT was a great man, so was the living skeleton, yet even a casual +observer could perceive the difference in their greatness. The greatness +of the fleshy world is one thing; the greatness of the no-fleshy world +is another. Also, strange as it may seem, a man may be great and yet not +be great. HOOD was a great General, so was NAP 3, but they tell me that +Nashville and Saarbrucken are terrible commentaries on greatness. Also a +man may be great and not know it. They say that, until he had made his +grand success at Fort Fisher, you never could persuade BUTLER that he +was a great General. TUPPER, I am informed, would never believe that he +was the most remarkable poet ever produced by England. Also a man may be +great and be perfectly aware of it. Acquaintances of GEORGE FRANCIS +TRAIN, Gen. O'NEILL, and Count JOANNES, assert that no one knows, better +than these gentlemen, that they are great men. Also a man may die calmly +in the consciousness that he is a distinguished individual, and yet, +years afterwards, some magazine writer may cast historic doubts upon his +greatness. + +Of course there are several classes of great people. There is the little +great man, (for example, NAP. 3,) the big great man, (BISMARCK,) the +great little man, (NAP. 1,) and the great big man, (the Onondaga giant.) +But the patient observer must perceive that general rules will cover all +these cases. + +It is to be hoped that no one, who shall become great by means of my +rules, will turn upon me and revile me, when he finds himself +interviewed incessantly, persecuted by unearthings of his early sins, by +persistent beggars, by slanders of the envious, by libels of the press, +and by the other concomitants of greatness. You must take the sour with +the sweet. Even the sweetest orange may have an unpleasant rind. + +RULES BY WHICH EVERY MAN CAN BECOME GREAT. + +1. Always be sure to get what belongs to you, and make most vigorous +grabs for everything that belongs to everybody else. + +2. Take everything which is offered to you, if it be on a par with what +you deem the standard of your worth. + +This rule requires the exercise of much wisdom in its application. If, +for example, you look upon the Custom House as the office which is +adapted to you, don't, under any circumstances, take the appraiser's +position. But you must never let the rule work the other way. + +3. Always have a policy. Talk about it much and often, and be sure to +call it "my policy." + +The best of rules being liable to misconstruction, some Congressmen have +acted as if this rule read, "Always have a policy shop." + +4. Always have a theory. If a murder has been committed, appear to know +all about the "dog," and to be familiar with its history from the time +when it was a pup. Be sure to fix suspicion upon some person, even if +you are compelled to eat your own words on the following day. + +5. Talk much and often about protection, and give advice to farmers, +even if you don't know anything about agriculture. + +6. Fill your head with classical quotations, and trot them out on all +occasions, whether discussing a bill for the diffusion of beans among +the Indians, or the Alabama claims. + +7. Smoke many costly Havana cigars. + +This rule has been lately discovered. + +8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a +tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own. + +There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be +useful. If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower +rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid. +If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman; +if a great warrior, be first--well, say a tanner. Also, you should pay +particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit. An old white hat +and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office +of Governor. + +If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot +become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the +rules, but in you. What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect. +If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though +I'm not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it's +because you are already great--a great fool. + + * * * * * + +"THE COLORED TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY." + +So far as the Franco-Prussian war has gone, the blackest page of its +history appears to be the employment of the Turcos, who are nearly as +black as average Nubian "niggers." The expedient of mixing black troops +with white was not very successful during our own little war. Raids upon +hen-roosts were about the most prominent results of the experiment, +though said raids were magnified by the Rads into grand victories over +Confeds. The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is +concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost +exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS'S devoted darkies, that they are certainly +entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the +NAPOLEON Black Guards. + + * * * * * + +"THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE." + +According to a newspaper paragraph, turtles are growing used to being +canned alive, now, on the Pacific Coast. On hearing of this atrocity, +the Nine Muses repaired at once to the office of PUNCHINELLO, and here +is the result of their visit: + + 'Tis the voice of the Turtle + That's heard in the land. + Crying, "Bother your care! + I don't want to be canned! + + "Pack me whole in a tub, + Nor be stingy of ice, + What I want is a BERGH, + Nothing less will suffice." + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Black-eyed Susan_ asks us whether a Pitched battle can take place on +land. +_Answer._--Certainly not. When we speak of a battle being Pitched we +mean that it has been fought by Tars. + +_Fogbank._--"Is DANA, of _The Sun_, any relation to "Truthful JAMES," of +whom the _Overland Monthy_ has written?" +_Answer._--Distantly related, through intermarriage with the LONGBOWS. + +_Moses._--We do not suppose that the person referred to by you as a +Dyer and Scourer is in any way related to OLIVER DYER, although the +latter person scoured Water Street some time since, and very +effectually, in pursuit of a "sensation." The word "Scourer," +nevertheless, might be an allowable corruption of "Esquire," when +applied to any of the proprietors of that mephitic daily, _The Sun_. + +_Pickerel._--Will Mr. GREELEY be obliged to dress in court costume if he +accepts the mission to the Court of St. JAMES? +_Answer._--No. It would be contrary to Mr. GREELEY'S well-known +principles to get on "tights." + +_Flagroot._--Is it correct to say the "balance" of an army, meaning the +rest of it? +_Answer._--Not always. When an army has turned the Scale of battle, +however, the word Balance may be used. + +_Mary Jane._--I have embroidered a flag for the Prussian army, and am at +a loss for a motto. How would "Bear and Forbear" do? +_Answer._--"Beer and for Beer" would be better. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THERE!--I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE THE UNDERTOW THAT WOULD RUN +AWAY WITH ME!"] + + * * * * * + +A ROAR FROM NIAGARA. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--Having been reminded, by your recent notes on +Niagara, that there is a cataract of that name, possessed of height and +depth and breadth and volume and other well-known characteristics of a +genuine Waterfall, I thought I would go and see it for myself. Not that +I doubted your statements--which, indeed, are handsomely supported by +familiar statistics,--but certainly there is a charm in treading the +ground once trod by Greatness, breathing--well not the same air, I hope, +but some of the same kind,--viewing the identical scenes, and being +swindled by the self-same parties, that had just occasioned your +animated comments. + +I don't know a charm at all comparable with that of being swindled in +the midst of fine scenery, when the funds and enthusiasm still hold out, +and the sense of actually getting the worth of one's money is not yet so +blunted by transactions calculated to awaken Thought, as to have lost +the power of increasing one's felicity. That the intelligent lad who +drove me was in league with every one of the parties who were stationed +here and there with the sole apparent purpose of receiving fifty cents +from visitors, I was loth to believe, though nothing could have been +plainer, if one had happened to think of it from the start. + +Is it not funny, the way they serve their Congress Water at the Cataract +House? They put a big lump of ice in a tumbler, take a bottle from a +shelf, pour the warm, stale fluid, (tasting like _perspiration_, as one +might fancy,) into this glass, and expect you to wait till it has grown +cool enough to be palatable. Well, if you wait, you lose what little +life there is left in the stuff; and if you don't, you'll be sorry you +hadn't done so. + +One may say, "You needn't have ordered any Congress Water." Very well, +but why not, provided I liked it? The clerk said they kept Vichy, also, +but I learned they were "out." I wish they had been out of Congress too. +"All right!" said I, "I shall enjoy my breakfast all the more, for I +know _that_ will make amends!" And it did. The "salmon trout" was dry, +as usual, but that breakfast was a good thing. I enjoyed it, and my two +niggers and my New York paper of day before, (for which I paid a cute +looking boy in the hall ten cents, on my way to breakfast,) and was +happy. + +Not, my dear P., till I reached the "other side," and had been inveigled +into the Museum Hotel, and persuaded into those vile wrappings of +oil-cloth, with the ponderous rubbers over my thick boots, and had stood +around for some time, awaiting the pleasure of the very leisurely guide, +sweating at every pore, (or _nearly_ every one, for there are several +millions, I believe, and I so hate exaggeration,) and trying to evade +the glances of the amused bystanders, did I begin to realize the +enormity of the imposition that had been practised on me. Just fancy +_yourself_, Mr PUNCHINELLO, in such a costume, taking a seemingly +interminable walk in a hot sun, down ever so many steps, encased in +those nasty articles of gear, in the company of several other helpless +unfortunates, wishing with all your might yon were already there!" + +"But the grandeur and glory of the adventure will console me!" I +murmured. Grandeur be hanged! A fig for the "glory!" What! do you call +this "going under the Falls,"--that renowned journey, so full of peril? +Pooh! merely standing in a bath-tub and letting somebody pull the +string! You don't get quite so wet; that's all. Where's the "danger," +where's the "glory," of merely stepping under a little spirt from one +end of the Falls, with plenty of room to stand, and no darkness, no +mystery, no nothing. Nothing but an overwhelming sense of being a cussed +fool, and a simpleton, and a stupid, _and_ a dunce! + +Oh, the going back, after that! in the same loathed costume, inwardly +justifying the laughter of the knowing loungers as you ascend among +them, and cursing yourself as the chief among ten thousand +(ninnies,)--the one altogether idiotic. + +Except for this enormous swindle, dear P., I should have enjoyed +Niagara, and Niagara would doubtless have enjoyed me. But this +preposterous, disgusting, outrageous, ridiculous, contemptible, +disgraceful, _unsurpassable_ swindle prevented anything like a mutual +understanding. I saw green in the Falls, the Falls saw green in me. The +Falls kept coming down; I had already come down, (with my dollars,) and, +in fact, was perpetually descending, with sums varying from twenty-five +cents to four dollars and a half. + +My sole object, friend PUNCHINELLO, in addressing you on this subject, +is to beg and beseech that you will warn the too-credulous and +too-generous public against this unmatchably atrocious swindle of Going +Under the Falls. It is too much for proud Humanity, Mr. P.! It is +crushing! It is withering! It is annihilating! What! "Annex" this fraud? +Never!--NEVER! + +TUPMAN. + + * * * * * + +THE POSSIBLE "WHY?" OF IT. + +The personal feeling against the French Emperor, so often displayed in +the columns of the _Tribune_, has frequently been a subject of comment. +Nevertheless it is easily accounted for. As Louis NAPOLEON is said to +detest _ham_, ever since he was incarcerated in the fortress of that +name, so does the Hon. HORACE GREELEY detest _him_, ever since he (H. +G.) was arrested in France for some offence, real or imaginary, which we +cannot now recall to mind, and thrown into prison at Clichy. And to +this, also, may be traced the celebrated _bon mot of_ Mr. GREELEY, who +once remarked, on a festive occasion, that "Ham was afflicted with +_trichinosis_ when it had Louis NAPOLEON in it." + + * * * * * + +A HINT FOR EXCURSIONISTS. + +On account of the present nauseating condition of New York Bay, owing to +the offal nuisance, no prudent voyager should seek to stem its feculent +tide unless provided with "something to take." An intelligent +correspondent suggests that brandy would be about the thing, but that it +should be labelled "Bay Bum." + + * * * * * + +A Military Opinion. + +The "Prussian centre," of which we hear so much just now, ought to be +permanently established at Cologne, which place has been, in feet, the +Scenter of the world for generations past. + + * * * * * + +BOOK NOTICE. + +LIFE OF CHARLES DICKENS. By E. SHELTON MACKENZIE, LL.D,, Philadelphia: +T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS. + +In this volume of 484 pages, Dr. MACKENZIE brings before his readers a +very full and interesting compilation of facts relating to the career of +the great novelist. Besides these, the volume contains a number of +characteristic articles from the pen of DICKENS, published, originally, +in _All the Year Round_, some of which are of recent date. The book is +embellished with a portrait and autograph of DICKENS. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains. | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and | + | Strangers to their attractive Stock | + | | + | OF | + | | + | SUMMER AND FALL | + | | + | DRESS SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | Striped, Checked and Chine | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard; | + | value $1.50 to $3 | + | | + | PLAIN FOULARD, | + | | + | $1.50, value $2 per yard. | + | 24 inch Black and White | + | Striped $1.75; value $2.50. | + | | + | STRIPED SATINS, | + | | + | $1.25; value $2. | + | | + | Plain and Striped Japanese, | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard. | + | | + | Rich White and Colored Dress Satins, | + | | + | Extra Quality. | + | | + | A CHOICE LINE OF | + | | + | PLAIN GRAINS, | + | | + | for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3; | + | value $3 to $3.50 per yard. | + | | + | A FEW EXTRA RICH | + | | + | SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN SILKS, | + | | + | Black and Colored, $2. | + | | + | JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH | + | | + | SILKS. | + | | + | GREAT BARGAINS. | + | | + | A COMPLETE STOCK | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | At popular prices. | + | | + | PLAIN AND STRIPED | + | | + | GAZE DE CHAMBREY, | + | | + | Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering several lots of | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS | + | | + | MUCH BELOW | + | | + | COST OF IMPORTATION. | + | | + | 5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK | + | NAPKINS, from $1 to $3.50 per doz. | + | | + | DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from | + | $1.50 to $2.75 each. | + | | + | Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all | + | linen, from 40 to 75c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per | + | yard. | + | | + | PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard | + | | + | LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, | + | at $2.5O and upward. | + | | + | Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 | + | per doz. and upward. | + | | + | Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 | + | per yard and upward. | + | | + | Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard | + | pieces, $3.25 per piece. | + | | + | Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery | + | Diapers, various widths, at $1 per piece | + | below Current prices. | + | | + | MARSEILLES | + | | + | QUILTS AND BLANKETS, | + | | + | AT LOW PRICES. | + | | + | Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. 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The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: DODD'S LANDLADY IS VERY LAVISH OF "FLY-PAPER," AND, AS +DODD NEVER KNOWS WHERE HE PUTS HIMSELF OR HIS HAT, THE RESULT IS RATHER +AMUSING.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared. | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | + | "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | + | stamp. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | + | BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | + | St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 24, September +10, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 24 *** + +***** This file should be named 10032-8.txt or 10032-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10032/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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