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diff --git a/old/10019-8.txt b/old/10019-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a15209c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10019-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2740 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August 27, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August 27, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 8, 2003 [EBook #10019] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. 1. No. 22. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $47,000 REWARD. | + | | + | PROCLAMATION. | + | | + | The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | + | | + | The widow having determined to increase the rewards | + | heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | + | and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | + | having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | + | distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | + | proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | + | | + | A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | + | conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | + | killed in his house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | + | York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | + | Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | + | the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | + | together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1/16 carats, and the other, a | + | flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | + | 3/4 and 1/32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | + | with spiral screws, but the color of the gold, setting of | + | the flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | + | Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 6657, 19 lines, or | + | about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | + | the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | + | massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | + | two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | + | thereon. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | + | open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | + | diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | + | to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | + | time as the above articles. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | + | Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | + | an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | + | believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital." | + | | + | A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | + | detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | + | useful in securing its recovery. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification of the instrument used in committing the | + | murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | + | of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | + | about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | + | ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | + | pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | + | flasks. | + | | + | A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | + | morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | + | up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | + | if he will come forward and produce it. | + | | + | Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | + | Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | + | York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | + | | + | A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | + | | + | The foregoing rewards are offered by | + | the request of, | + | and are guaranteed by me. | + | | + | Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | + | Widow of B. NATHAN. | + | | + | The following reward has also been offered by the New York | + | Stock Exchange: | + | | + | $10,000--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | + | Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | + | murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | + | said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | + | at his house in Twenty-third street, New York City. | + | | + | J.L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman, Gov. Com. | + | D.C. HAYS, Treasurer. | + | B.O. WHITE, Secretary. | + | MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. BOX 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | | + | Jas R. Nichols, M.D., Wm. J. Rolfe, A.M., Editors | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | | + | HOME LIFE, | + | | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)_ $4.00. | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY. | + | | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XV. + +"SPOTTED." + +When the bell of St. Cow's began ringing for Ritualistic +morning-service, with a sound as of some incontinently rambling dun +spinster of the lacteal herd--now near at hand in cracked dissonance, as +the wind blows hither; now afar, in tinkling distance, as the wind blows +hence--MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON was several miles away from Bumsteadville +upon his walking-match, with head already bumped like a pineapple, and +face curiously swelled, from amateur practice with the Indian Club. +Being by that time cold enough for breakfast, and willing to try the +virtues of some soothing application to his right eye, which, from a +bruise just below it, was nearly closed, the badly banged young man +suspended his murderous calisthenics at the door of a rustic hotel, and +there entered to secure a wayside meal. + +The American country "hotel," or half-way house, is, perhaps, one of the +most depressing fictions ever encountered by stage-passenger, or +pedestrian afield: and depends so exclusively upon the imagination for +any earthly distinction from the retired and neglected private hiding-place +of some decayed and morbid agricultural family, that only the +conventional swing sign-board before the door saves the cognizant mind +from a painfully dense confusion. Smelling about equally of eternal +wash-day, casual cow-shed, and passing feather-bed, it sustains a lank, +middle-aged, gristly man to come out at the same hour every day and +grunt unintelligibly at the stage-driver, an expressionless boy in a +bandless straw-hat and no shoes to stare blankly from the doorway at +the same old pole-horse he has mechanically thus inspected from infancy, +and one speckled hen of mature years to poise observingly on single leg +at the head of the shapeless black dog asleep at the sunny end of the +low wooden stoop. It is the one rural spot on earth where a call for +fresh eggs evokes remonstrative and chronic denial; where chickens for +dinner are sternly discredited as mere freaks of legendary romance, and +an order for a glass of new milk is incredulously answered by a +tumblerful of water which tastes of whitewash-brush. Whosoever sleeps +there of a night shall be crowded by walls which rub off into a faint +feather-bed of the flavor and consistency of geese used whole, and have +for his feverish breakfast in the morning a version of broiled ham as +racy of attic-salt as the rasher of BACON'S essays. And to him who pays +his bill there, ere he straggles weakly forth to repair his shattered +health by frenzied flight, shall be given in change such hoary ten-cent +shreds of former postal currency as he has not hitherto deemed credible, +sticking together in inextricable conglomeration by such fragments of +fish-scales as he never before believed could be gathered by handled +small-money from palms not sufficiently washed after piscatorial +diversion. + +It was in at a country hotel, then, that the young Southern pedestrian +turned for temporary rest and a meal, and pitiless was the +cross-examination instituted by the inevitable lank, middle-aged gristly +man, before he could reconcile it with his duty as a cautious public +character to reveal the treasures of the larder. Those bumps on the +head, that swollen eye, and nose, came--did they?--from swinging this +here club for exercise. Well, he wanted to know, now! People generally +used two of the clubs at once--did they?--but one was enough for a +beginner. Well, he _wanted_ to know, now! Could he supply a couple of +poached eggs and a cup of milk? No, young man; but a slice of corned +pork and a bowl of tea were within the resources of the establishment. + +When at length upon the road again, the bruised youth resolved to follow +a cattle-track "across lots," for the greater space in which to exercise +with his Indian club as he walked. Like any other novice in the +practice, he could not divest his mind of the impression, that the +frightful thumps he continually received, in twirling the merciless +thing around and behind his devoted head, were due to some kind of +crowding influence from the boundaries on either side the way, and it +was to gain relief from such damaging contraction of area that he left +the highway for the wider wintry fields. Going onward in these latter at +an irregular pace; sometimes momentarily stunned into a rangy stagger by +a sounding blow on the cerebrum or the cerebellum; and, again, irritated +almost to a run by contusion of shoulder-blade or funny-bone; he finally +became aware that two men were following him through the lots, and that +with a closeness of attention indicating more than common interest. To +the perception of his keenly sensitive Southern nature they at once +became ribald Yankee vandals, hoping for unseemly amusement from the +detection of some awkwardness in the Indian-club-play of a defeated but +not conquered Southern Gentleman; and, in the haughty sectional pride of +his contemptuous soul, he indignantly determined to show not the least +consciousness of their disrespectful observation. Twirling the club +around and around his battered head with increasing velocity, he smiled +scornfully to himself, nor deigned a single backward glance at the one +of his two followers who approached more rapidly than the other. He +heard the hindermost say to the foremost, "Leave him alone, I tell you, +and he'll knock himself down in a minute," and, in a passionately +reckless effort of sheer bravado to catch the club from one hand with +the other while it yet circled swiftly over his skull, he accidentally +brought the ungovernable weapon into tremendous contact with the top of +his head, and dashed himself violently to the earth. + +"Didn't I tell you he'd do it?" cried the hindermost of the two +strangers, coming up; while the other coolly seated himself upon the +prostrated victim. "These here Indian clubs always throw a man if he +ain't got muscle in his arms; and this here little Chivalry has got arms +like a couple of canes." + +"Arise from me instantly, fellow. You're sitting upon my breast-pin," +exclaimed MONTGOMERY to the person sitting upon him. + +They suffered him to regain his feet, which he did with extreme hauteur, +and surveyed his bumped head and swollen countenance with undisguised +wonder. + +"How dare you treat a Southerner in this way?" continued the young man, +his head aching inexpressibly. "I thought the war was over long ago. If +money is your object, seek out a citizen of some other section than +mine; for the South is out of funds just now, owing to the military +outrages of Northern scorpions." + +"We're constables, Mr. PENDRAGON," was the reply, "and it is our duty to +take you back to the main road, where a couple of your friends are +waiting for you." + +Staring from one to the other in speechless wonder at what this fresh +outrage upon the down-trodden South could mean, MONTGOMERY allowed them +to replace his Indian club in his hand, and conduct him back to the +public road; where, to his increased bewilderment, he found Gospeler +SIMPSON and the Ritualistic organist. + +"What is the matter, gentlemen?" he asked, in great agitation: "must I +take the oath of Loyalty; or am I required by Yankee philanthropy to +marry a negress?" + +At the sound of his voice, Mr. BUMSTEAD left the shoulder of Mr. +SIMPSON, upon which he had been leaning with great weight, and, coming +forward in three long skips, deliberately wound his right hand in the +speaker's neck-tie. + +"Where are those nephews--where's that umbrella?" demanded the organist, +with considerable ferocity. + +"Nephews!--umbrella!" gasped the other. + +"The EDWINS--bone handle," explained Mr. BUMSTEAD, lurching towards his +captive. + +"Mr. MONTGOMERY," interposed the Gospeler, sadly, Mr. DROOD went out +with you last night, late, from his estimable uncle's lodgings, and has +not been seen since. Where is he?" + +"He went back into the house again, sir, after I had walked him up and +down the road a few times." + +"Well, then, where's that umbrella?" roared the organist, who seemed +quite beside himself with grief and excitement. + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD, pray be more calm," implored the Reverend OCTAVIUS. + +"Mr. MONTGOMERY, this agitated gentleman's nephew has been mysteriously +missing ever since he went out with you at midnight: also an alpaca +umbrella." + +"Upon my honor, I know nothing of either," ejaculated the unhappy +Southerner. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, still holding him by the neck-tie, cast a fiery and +unsettled glance around at nothing in particular; then ground his teeth +audibly, and scowled. + +"My boy's missing!" he said, hissingly.--"Y'understand?--he's +missing.--I must insist upon searching the prisoner." + +In the presence of Gospeler and constables, and loftily regardless alike +of their startled wonder and the young man's protests, the maddened +uncle of the lost DROOD deliberately examined all the captive's pockets +in succession. In one of them was a penknife, which, after thoughtfully +trying it upon his pink nails, he abstractedly placed in his own pocket. +Searching next the overwhelmed Southerner's travelling-satchel, he found +in it an apple, which he first eyed with marked suspicion, and then bit +largely into, as though half expecting to find in it some traces of his +nephew. + +"I'll keep this suspicious fruit," he remarked, with a hollow laugh; +and, bearing unreservedly upon the nearer arm of the hapless MONTGOMERY, +and eating audibly as he surged onward, he started on the return march +for Bumsteadville. + +Not a word more was spoken until, after a cool Christmas stroll of about +eight and a quarter miles, the whole party stood before Judge SWEENEY in +the house of the latter. There, when the story had been sorrowfully +repeated by the Gospeler, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited the core of the apple, +and tickled the magistrate almost into hysterics by whispering very +closely in his ear, that it was a core curiously similar to that of the +last apple eaten by his nephew; and, having been found in an apple from +the prisoner's satchel, might be useful in evidence. Judge SWEENEY +wished to know if Mr. PENDRAGON had any political relations, or could +influence any votes? and, upon being answered in the negative, eyed the +young man sternly, and said that appearances were decidedly against him. +He could not exactly commit him to jail without accusation, although the +apple-core and his political unimportance subjected him to grave +suspicion: but he should hold the Gospeler responsible for the youth's +appearance at any time when his presence should be required. Mr. +BUMSTEAD, whose eyes were becoming very glassy, then suggested that a +handbill should be at once printed and circulated, to the effect that +there had been Lost, or Stolen, two Black Alpaca Nephews, about 5 feet 8 +inches high, with a bone handle, light eyes and hair, and whalebone +ribs; and that if the said EDWIN would return, with a brass ferule +slightly worn, the finder should receive earnest thanks, and be seen +safely to his home by J. BUMSTEAD. Mr. Gospeler SIMPSON and Judge +SWEENEY agreed that a handbill should be issued: but thought it might +confuse the public mind if the missing nephew and the lost umbrella were +not kept separate. + +"Has either 'f you gen'l'men ever been 'n Uncle?" asked the Ritualistic +organist, with dark intensity. + +They shook their heads. + +"_Then,_" said Mr. BUMSTEAD, with great force,--"THEN, gen'l'men, +you-knownor-wahritis-to-lose-'n-umbrella!" + +Before they could decide in their weaker minds what the immediate +connection was, he had left them, at a sharp slant, in great +intellectual disturbance, and was passing out through the entry-way with +both his hands against the wall. + +Early next morning, while young Mr. PENDRAGON was locked in his room, +startled and wretched, the inconsolable uncle of EDWIN DROOD was +energetically ransacking every part of Bumsteadville for the missing +man. House after house he visited, like some unholy inspector: peering +up chimneys, prodding under carpets, and staying a long time in cellars +where there was cider. Not a bit of paper or cloth blew along the +turnpike but he eagerly picked it up, searched in it with the most +anxious care, and finally placed it in his hat. Going to the Pond, with +a borrowed hatchet, he cut a bole in the thick ice, lost the hatchet, +and, after bathing his head in the water, declared that his alpaca +nephew was not there. Finding an antique flask in one of his pockets, he +gradually removed all the liquid contents therefrom with a tubular +straw, but still could discern no traces of EDWIN DROOD. All the +live-long day he prosecuted his researches, to the great discomposure of +the populace: and, with whitewash all over the back of his coat, and +very dingy hands, had just seated himself at his own fireside in the +evening, when Mr. DIBBLE came in. + +"This is a strange disappearance," said Mr. DIBBLE. + +"And it was good as new," groaned the organist, with but one eye open. + +"Almost new!--_what_ was?" + +"Th'umbrella." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," returned the old man, coldly, "I am not talking of an +umbrella, but of Mr. EDWIN." + +"Yesh, I know," said the uncle. "Awright. I'm li'lle sleepy; tha'sall." + +"I've just seen my ward, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"'She puerwell, shir?" + +"She is _not_ pretty well. Nor is Miss PENDRAGON." + +"I'm vahr' sorry," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, just audibly. + +"Miss PENDRAGON scorns the thought of any blame for her brother," +continued Mr. DIBBLE, eyeing the fire. + +"It had a bun-bone handle," muttered the other, dreamily. Then, with a +momentary brightening--"'scuse me, shir: whah'll y'take?" + +"Nothing, sir!" was the sharp response. "I'm not at all thirsty. But +there is something more to tell you. At the last meeting of my ward and +your nephew--just before your dinner here,--they concluded to break +their engagement of marriage, for certain good reasons, and thenceforth +be only brother and sister to each other." + +Starting forward in his chair, with partially opened eyes, the +white-washed and dingy Mr. BUMSTEAD managed to get off his hat, covering +himself with a bandanna handkerchief and innumerable old pieces of paper +and cloth, as he did so, from head to foot; made a feeble effort to +throw it at the aged lawyer; and then, chair and all, tumbled forward +with a crash to the rug, where he lay in a refreshing sleep. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +CHINCAPIN AT LONG BRANCH. + +A QUAKER friend of mine once observed that he loved the Ocean for its +Broad Brim. So do I, but not for that alone. I am partial to it on +account of the somewhat extensive facilities it affords for Sea Bathing. +Learning to swim, by the way, was my principal Elementary study. I have +just returned from taking a plunge in company with many other +distinguished persons. How it cools one to rush into the "Boiling Surf." +How refreshing to dive Below the Billow. I don't think I could ever have +a Surfeit of the Surf, I am so fond of it. Oh! the Sea! the Sea! with +its darkly, deeply cerulean--but stop! I am getting out of my depth. +Would that I were a poet, that I--But I ain't, so what's the use? + +As I sat on the verandah of the ------ Hotel the other morning, gazing +on the broad expanse of Ocean and wiping the perspiration which trickled +from my lofty brow, (the thermometer marked 90 degrees,) I could not +help recalling the beautifully appropriate lines of the celebrated bard: + + "When the sun's perpendicular rays + Begin to illumine the Sea, + The fishies exclaim in amaze + 'Confound it! how hot it will be!'" + +What a pity that the Bathing here has a drawback. I refer, of course, to +the Under Tow, which has caused some Untoward accidents. Those who have +experienced it, say it is impossible to keep your Feet when caught by +the Under Tow. Presence of mind is indispensable in such a case, but, +unfortunately, timid swimmers are too apt to lose their Heads as well as +their feet. Some of the lady visitors are Beautiful Swimmers, and their +Divers Charms excite universal admiration. Many of these fair +Amphitrites are so constantly in or on the water that it would hardly be +a Fib to call them Amphibious. Their husbands and brothers are, I regret +to say, not so much On the Water, preferring something a trifle stronger +semi-occasionally, if not oftener. + +You know what a popular amusement crabbing is here. I seldom indulge in +it myself, as I have bad luck, which makes me Crabbed. + +Our "distinguished guests," as JENKINS would say, are very numerous, and +it is truly an edifying sight to see judges, legislators, eminent +politicians, and other "Heads of the People" bobbing about in the water +together. + +Some folks don't seem to care what they spend when they come here, and +no sooner arrive at the Branch than they Branch out into all sorts of +extravagance. There is some superb horseflesh here just now, and the +fastest nags may be seen doing their Level best on the Smooth Beach. The +Race Track, Grand Stand, &c., are all that the vivid fancy of a +PUNCHINELLO can paint them. The bathing costumes! who can do justice to +them and their lovely wearers? Some time ago, (as I am informed,) a lady +made her appearance on the beach as a Nereid. Did you Ne'er read of the +Nereids, Mr. PUNCHINELLO? If you have, you are aware that they were the +Sea Nymphs of the Ancients, in other words the Old Maids of the Sea, who +never got married, and frequently played Scaly tricks on Mariners. The +Nereid referred to was arrayed in pea green and spangles, with green +tresses, which is very well known to be the correct costume of a mermaid +of antiquity, copied from the latest Paris fashions. This Spritely lady +was, however, unprovided with a tail, which was Unmermaidenlike in the +Extreme. + +You know how brilliant the Hops are, so I will Skip them. One thing, +however, is worth noting. At some of the Hotels they have a Spread on +the carpet before the dancing begins, as well as a supper afterwards. +The excellent music of the Hotel bands is Instrumental in drawing crowds +of listeners to the Ball rooms. Some Chinese Jugglers gave an +entertainment here the other evening, but I didn't go, not being in the +Juggler Vein. Yours Reverentially, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRUSSIC ACID. + +"FIFTY DOUSAND FENIANS ARMED MID REPEATERS FOR FRANCE! LET 'EM GO! +BEESMARK WILL MAKE DEM NOT COOM PACK TO REPEAT IN DIS GOONDERY NO MORE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO IV. + + Little JACK HORNER + Sat in a corner. + Eating a Christmas Pie: + He put in his thumb + And pulled out a plum, + And said, "What a brave boy am I." + +In Canto I, I have shown the varied emotions which seized the tender +soul of Old Mother HUBBARD'S Dog. Emotions so fierce in their sorrow, +that they left not a single wiggle in his tail: his hopes were crushed, +his expectations ruined. In Canto II I have pictured the musical +propensities of the genus _Cat_, the wandering vagaries of the moon-dane +cow, the purp's withering contempt thereat, and the frisky evolutions of +the dish which rolled off on its ear. In Canto III I have portrayed the +"tender passion" and its melancholy result on the hill-side--a fitting +illustration of the fact that the course of true love never did run +smooth, especially if there were big rocks to knock one's toes against. +And now, in Canto IV, I am about to portray childish innocence in the +pursuit of bliss. + +All things are graded, with the trifling exception of many of our +streets. But who cares about this grade of bliss? I don't, and I am sure +the poet didn't when he sang the lines at the head of this chapter. +Bliss is graded. The old man in Wall street, with white hair and white +necktie, and smooth polished tongue, has his degree of bliss when he is +engaged in throwing stones at the Apes in the tree-top, that they may +return the throw with gold cocoa-nuts. The young lady has her degree of +bliss when her waist is entwined by "Dear CHAWLES," who soothes her +troubled spirit with the tender melody of "Red as a beet is +she,"--alluding to her would-be rival. The nice young man has his degree +of bliss when he chews a tooth-pick--poor goose! (not the nice young +man, but the fowl which gave the quill,)--and is given a smile by a +dark-eyed female in a passing stage. + +And Infantdom has--But our poet beautifully illustrates this in the +stanzas we have quoted. + + "Little JACK HORNER," + +says he, with the easy grace of one perfectly familiar with the subject +he is to treat; neither frightened at its immensity, nor putting himself +in the way of a dilemma by stopping to examine details. Little JACK was +the poet's pet because he was the afflicted one of the household, and +poets know full well how to sympathize with affliction. Perhaps JACK sat +down to dinner next to cross-eyed SUSAN ANN, "by Brother BILL'S gal," +and perhaps JACK'S nose was tickled by a little blue-bottle, and that he +sneezed right into her soup-plate; and then he was hurried from the +table for blowing a fly into SUSAN ANN'S soup! He would lose his dinner. +His napkin would miss its accustomed wash! + +"Shall it be thus? No!" says the poet. "Dry your tears, little JACK, go +to the well-stocked pantry, my boy, and get something to eat. The jury +will not convict you of stealing, for their verdict will be that you did +the deed in self-defence." And he did--go to the closet, and-- + + "Sat in the corner, + Eating a Christmas Pie." + +See the smiles as they wreathe themselves on his chubby countenance. How +little JACK looks at the pie! how he turns it round and round to find +the best spot whereon to begin the attack! How he smacks his lips, and +thinks how nice it would be if he _could_ wish to give SUSAN ANN a +taste! But he can't. + +Suddenly an idea strikes JACK. He has heard Uncle TOM talk of a big war +between Frawnce and Proossia, and all about the soldiers and the cannon, +and the big noises. Little JACK will make war on the pie. He will be +Frawnce, the pie will be Proossia. He sets it squarely before him on the +floor; rolls up his sleeves, may be; his eyes sparkle with +determination; he finds the most vulnerable spot in the crust; he makes +one bold dive with his thumb, it goes down, down down, crushing +everything before it; it feels something; renewed vigor flows through +JACK'S veins, and gives him new strength for the attack; victory crowns +him; and, in the words of the poet, + + "He pulled out a plum, + And said, 'What a brave boy am I.'" + +--Now he is happy. He has realized his fondest hopes. The blue-bottle +has no tickle for him now. He was Frawnce and he has licked Proossia. +There is nothing left but the plate, and his teeth are not hard enough +for that. + + * * * * * + +"Hooray for the Impurrur!" + +The ardor with which our Milesian element embraces the cause of France +furnishes a puzzle for many thoughtful minds; and yet its solution is +simple. In planning a passage of the Rhine, LOUIS NAPOLEON proposes to +BRIDGET. That's all. + + * * * * * + +A Roland for his Oliver. + +OLIVER DYER, of the _Sun_, is the original "Dyer Necessity that +knows no law." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +And now comes to light another divorce case in Chicago. Mrs. HUGG sues +Mr. HUGG for a decree _e vinculo matrimonii_. If there is anything in a +name, no one will gainsay the observation that if hugging has lost its +charm, Mrs. HUGG is the last person to make a fuss about it. She took +her HUGG with a full knowledge of the circumstances, and it is contrary +to public policy and good morals that her plea of "hugged out" should +enable her to obtain the remedy which she seeks. + +In France they do not wait for the completion of the years of +adolescence to dub a scion of the royal family with the title of "man." +The Prince Imperial, prior to his departure for the wars, was presented +at Court as the "first gentleman" of France. For a youth of fourteen he +is said to have gone through the trying ceremonies with great credit +until directed by his mamma to dance with a venerable female of noble +blood, just as he was about to lend a beautiful American miss through +the mazes of a Schottische. The son of his father took one glance at the +ancient dame, and one at the lovely creature beside him, and then set up +a right royal blubber of disappointment. + +"Remember, my son," said EUGENIE, "you are a man now, and men never +cry." + +"Oh! mamma," sighed the afflicted Prince, "let me be a boy again, rather +than dance with _cette vieille_ yonder!" + +Alas! for the ambition of monarchs, who put forward their beardless +progeny to do the deeds of men, and to suffer with men's fortitude, when +they are more fit to be puling in a nurse's arms, or unravelling silk +skeins for some maid of honor. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +It was hot when Mr. PUNCHINELLO started for Niagara. So hot that no +allusions to Fahrenheit would give an idea of the tremendous +preponderance of caloric in the atmosphere. The trip was full of +discomforts, and there was great danger, at one time, that the train +would arrive at Niagara with a load of desiccated bodies. Of course the +water all boiled away in the engine-tanks, causing endless stoppages; +and of course the hot sun, pouring directly upon the roof of the cars, +caused the boards thereof to curl up and twist about in such fantastic +fashion, that they afforded no protection whatever to the passengers, +who were obliged to resort to sunshades and umbrellas, or get under the +seats. Added to this were the facts that the ice-water in the coolers +scalded the mouth; the brass-work on the seats blistered the hands; and +the empty stoves, almost red-hot from their exposure to the sun, +superheated the cars to a degree that was maddening. Added to these was +the fact that the intense heat expanded the rails until they were +several miles longer than usual, and thus the passengers suffered the +tortures of the transit for an increased length of time. + +When, at last, Mr. P. was conveyed, in a stifling hack, (the fare had +risen, under the unusual circumstances, about one hundred and ten +degrees,) to a stifling little room under the hot roof of an hotel +exposed to the sun on every side, and had taken an extempore Russian +bath while changing his linen, and had partaken of a hot dinner, he +might have been excused for saying that he would like to cool off a +little. + +Inquiring if there was any stream of water convenient, he was directed +to the river Niagara, which runs hard by the hotel. + +Reaching the banks of the river, Mr. P. was very much pleased by the +prospect. There is a considerable depression in the bed of the stream at +one point, and the water runs over the rocks quite rapidly, carrying +with it such leaves, twigs, steamboats or other objects that may be +floating upon its surface. + +Mr. P. immediately perceived the advantages of this condition of things +to a a gentleman suffering from the heat, and procuring a boat, he rowed +close to the foot of a cascade formed by the inclination in the bed of +the river, and throwing out his anchor, revelled in the luxury of the +cool spray and the refreshing sound of the rushing water. + +[Illustration] + +Does not this look cool? + +When sufficiently refreshed, Mr. P. rowed to shore, feeling like another +man. With the greatest confidence in its merits, he recommends his plan +to those who may be suffering from the summer heat. + +After breakfast the next morning, Mr. P. set out to see what he could +see. He did not engage the services of any hackman or professional +guide. + +He had heard of their extortions, and determined to submit to nothing of +the kind. He intended relying entirely upon himself. He walked some +distance without meeting with any of the places of interest of which he +had heard so much. + +Meeting at length with a respectable elderly gentleman, Mr. P. inquired +of him the way to the Cave of the Winds. + +"The Cave of the Winds? Ah!" said this worthy person. "You turn to your +left here, sir--ah! and then you keep on for about--ah! half a mile, and +you will--ah! see a gate--ah! Behind that is a man and the cave--ah!" + +Mr. P. thanked him and was proceeding on his way, when the worthy +citizen touched him on the arm, saying: + +"Twenty-one dollars, if you please, sir." + +"Twenty-one dev----developments!" cried Mr. P; "Why, what do you mean?" + +"Information, sir; fifty cents a word; forty-two words; twenty-one +dollars." + +It must not be supposed that Mr. P. submitted tamely to this outrage, +but after a long dispute, it was agreed to refer the matter to the +arbitration of three of the principal citizens. They promptly decided +that the charge was just and must be paid, but, owing to Mr. P.'s +earnest protestations, they agreed to throw out the "ahs," as being of +doubtful value as information. The sum thus saved to Mr. P. exactly paid +for drinks for the party. + +Mr. P. now very sensibly concluded that it was about time to leave, if +his editors, his printers, and the employés in his pun-factory were to +expect any pay that week, and so he set out for home in the evening, +taking a shortcut by the way of Montreal. + +He thought that a day might be very profitably spent here, especially if +he could fall in with any of the French-Canadians, of whose +peculiarities he had heard so much. The study of human nature was always +Mr. P.'s particular forte. + +On the morning of his arrival, Mr. P. met, in the dining-room of the +hotel, a gentleman who was unmistakably a Frenchman, and being in +Canada, was probably Canadian. As they were sitting together at the +table, Mr. P., having mentally rubbed up his knowledge of the French +language, addressed his companion thus: + +"_Avez-vous le chapeau de mon frere?_" + +The gentleman thus politely addressed, bowed, smiled, and after a little +hesitation answered: + +"_Non, Monsieur; mais jài le fromage de votre soeur._" + +"_Eh bien_" said Mr. P., as he scratched his head for a moment. "_Otez +vous vos souliers et vos bas?_" + +The other answered promptly, "_Je n'ote ni les uns ni les autres._" + +"_Votre père,_" remarked Mr. P., "_a-t-il la chandelle de votre oncle?_" + +His companion remained silent for a minute or two, and then he said: + +"I forget the French of the answer to that, but I know the English of +it; it is 'no, sir, but he has the apples-of-the-ground-of-sugar of my +mother-in-law.'" + +When Mr. P. discovered, after a little conversation in the vernacular, +that his companion was a New York dry-goods clerk, he gave up the study +of the French-Canadian character and went on with his breakfast. + +When he went out into the streets to see the lions of the city he was +delighted to meet with some old friends. In company with them he visited +the Government House; the Cathedral; the Statue of NELSON; the VICTORIA +bridge; and everything else of interest in the place. But nothing was so +delightful to him as the faces of these old friends, from whom he had +been separated so long. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When, at last, they left him, he returned sadly to New +York.] + + * * * * * + +IDIOTIC ITEMS. + +On Tuesday last one of the swans in Central Park laid a hen's egg. + +A celebrated English professor of heraldry is now at Long Branch, +studying the crests of the waves. + +Dr. LIVINGSTONE is no longer a white man. The large colored princess +whom he has been compelled to marry has beaten him black and blue. + +Louis NAPOLEON'S first bulletin about the war was the bullet in the +pocket of NAP Junior. + +An intelligent cordwainer of this city has invented a bathing shoe to +fit the under-toe at Long Branch. + +The lock of the writing-desk made with his own hands by LOUIS NAPOLEON, +at Hoboken, has been presented to the Empress EUGENIE by a gentleman +residing at Union Hill, in exchange for a lock of her Majesty's hair. + +Yesterday, while three eminent Wall street brokers--names, BROWN, JONES, +and ROBINSON--were engaged in watering stock, they fell in and were +drowned. Loss fully covered by insurance. + +CARL FORMES is oddly reported to have lost his Bass voice through over +indulgence in lager-beer. He drank a barrel of beer a day, and his voice +has now become a barrel organ. + +In France the _Marseillaise_ has become the national Him; while, in +Prussia, BISMARCK is decidedly the national Herr. + +A French paper has an article respecting certain musical fishes found in +the Indian Seas, They ought to be engaged for PIKE'S Opera House. + +The annual panther, weighing 8 ft., 9 inches, from snout to tip of tail, +and measuring 213 lbs., has just been killed in the Adirondacks by a +reporter. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL CLAPTRAP. + +The sympathy exhibited by the _Sun_ reporters and editors for the +unhappy victim of Ogre Tammany is particularly touching. + +Association with the Wickedest Man in New York, the Honorable JOHN +ALLEN, _protégé_ of the Reverend OLIVER DYER, has evidently demoralized +the pure beings who control the immaculate sheet known as the _Sun_, +whose putrescent light "shines for all." + +These panders to the depraved taste of a depraved portion of the +community, may exult in the spectacle presented in the City of New York +on Sunday, the 7th inst., but is it not a sorrowful thing in a so-called +Christian land to see a murderer borne with triumph to his grave, while +pseudo philanthropists deck his bier with flowers, and deliberately +charge a great political party with having hunted the wretched man to +his death? + +Was there no nobler game worth the killing by Tammany? Was there not a +"stag of Ten" to be found, to be struck, if party necessities required +it? Would OAKEY HALL and PETER B. SWEENY put such a slight upon these +bastard allies of the O'BRIENS and MORRISSEYS whose columns are open to +the highest bidder, and whose lips reek venom while their hands are ever +ready to strike a victim in the back, as to pass them by while they were +on the war-path? + +But hold--perhaps we have a clue to this singular conduct of the Tammany +warriors. They may have foreseen how apt the sweet people are to confer +immortality upon those whose death becomes them better than their life, +and therefore wisely forebore to disturb those blissful with murderers +and felons which seem to bind the Satellites of the _Sun_ and the +denizens of the Tombs together. + + * * * * * + +SUMMER ON THE CATSKILLS, + +BY REGALIA REYNA. + + +I. + + O thou Mount Katskill! whom I now survey + In roseate brightness of the new-born day, + To thee my thankfulness I would convey, + For self and crowd; + Who from the glare and hum of hot + Financial lives, + Have sought repose upon thy wondrous crest, and + Brought our wives-- + I gaze upon thy placid brow, where storms do + Reckless rage, + Forgetful of the storms of life, and Mister + BEACH's stage. + +II. + + I gaze upon thy beauteous vistas + Far and wide; + I see the day-break beautifully paint thy + Rugged side: + I see AURORA show the panorama + Night did hide: + I see the lazy Hudson grad-u- + Ally glide, + Reluctant to abandon thee, and seek + The salt sea tide. + I think almost excusingly of that tough + Two dollar ride; + And only for my wallet's sake, I longer + Would abide. + +III. + + Nature has kindly gifted thee with meadow, + Lake and dell, + And for the Falls of Kauterskill I know no + Parallel: + Humanity has crowned thee with this festive + Gay Hotel, + Where Fame and Fashion eager wait to hear + Thy dinner bell: + O Mount! O view! thy beauties now I can no + Longer tell, + For, after breakfast, I must say--O Katskill! + Fare thee well! + And leave thee--in one of those abominable stages, + "which I wish it" + Was in H------eaven! + + * * * * * + +Extraordinary Ledger-demain. + +The Soldiers' Monument at Cambridge is the result of the combined +efforts of CYRUS and DARIUS COBB, whereas, SYLVANUS, alone and +unassisted, is able to raise, every week, a tall column on the surface +of the _N.Y. Ledger._ + + * * * * * + +Censor of the Press. + +The unfortunate official who sought reliable information, the other day, +respecting the age and immense property possessions of PUNCHINELLO, on +comparing his notes subsequently, remarked to a friend that he felt as +if he had temporarily lost his Census. + + * * * * * + +Appropriate. + +DANA, of the _Sun_, is about to open an undertaker's establishment for +the arrangement of murderer's obsequies. Motto--"Pinking done here." + + * * * * * + +The Wrong Mouth. + +A LITTLE Fourth-of-Julyer in Pittsburgh, going along with his mouth +open, (after the manner of boys), caught a fire-cracker therein, just as +the cracker was going off. He had often had crackers in his mouth, but +preceding ones had proved nourishing and non-explosive; whereas, this +cracker was quite the reverse. As a consequence, the boy has lost his +voice, but (what is curious, certainly,) is otherwise all sound. + +Were we certain that heaving a fire-cracker into an open mouth would +always produce such a result, we should certainly hire some one to shut +up the noisier of our public nuisances--such as G.F. TRAIN, and several +members of Congress. This could be easily done, as their mouths are +always open, and usually are very large ones. We invite proposals from +boys, relating to next season's operations. + + * * * * * + +Theft Extraordinary. + +A weekly journal gravely informs a correspondent that "the line, 'A +thing of beauty is a joy forever,' occurs in TUPPER's _Proverbial +Philosophy_." + +Shades of the poets! More than fifty years ago, JOHN KEATS commenced a +poem called "Endymion," with that very line. To think that he should +have gone and borrowed it from TUPPER! + + * * * * * + +Politician's Plant. + +See WEED. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE LATEST MELODRAMATIC DODGE OF A PLAYED-OUT POLITICIAN. + +PROMPTER DANA, OF THE "SUN," GIVES THE CUE TO A _REAL_ SKELETON.] + + * * * * * + +Conversion of the "Sun." + +It was said of Bishop COLENSO that he "undertook to convert a Zulu +Kaffir, but the Z. K. converted him." + +Such a circumstance may be fallen upon without going so far as Africa to +seek for it. JOHN ALLEN, of Water Street, was, once upon a time, the +Zulu Kaffir of DANA of the _Sun_ and his fascinating Satellite, OLIVER +DYER. + +The ways of JOHN ALLEN were very wicked when these pious +missionaries threw themselves upon his trail, and tried to convert him. +Perhaps the reformatory effort was well meant; but, alas! for the +feebleness of all human arrangements--JOHN ALLEN remains the reprobate +he was, while he to his flock has brought DANA, the _Sun_ man, and DYER, +the Satellite man, converts to the Allenian theory that money made from +dirt is the only healthful stimulant to virtuous toil. + +And so it was that DANA the devout, and DYER the saintly, went forth to +convert the Zulu Kaffir of Water Street, and the Z. F. converted them. + + * * * * * + +Ready for Another Heat. + +The horses of PHOEBUS. + + * * * * * + +A Royal Game. + +The ex-queen of Spain fears that ALFONSO will be "euchred." She remarked +to him recently, Play you're king. + + * * * * * + +CONTEMPORARY SENTIMENTS, + +On the Great War Question. + + "WILLIAM'S my man!" cries one enthusiast,-- + "He'll be in Paris, _sure_, within ten days!" + "'Paris' your Granny!" cries one just as fast; + "'Ere that, man! you'll see Berlin in a blaze!" + + "France has the finest soldiers ever seen!" + Says one who knows; "they never can be beat!" + One who knows also, says, "the French are green! + Their only real strength is in their fleet!" + + "Oh, hang their fleet!" exclaims another man; + "It's useless now,--it has no work to do! + But let France use her navy all she can, + You'll see if Prussia doesn't put her through!" + + "Prussia ain't able!" cries an eager one: + "Let her drink all the lager in her shops, + She'll find the little job is not yet done, + For all there's such enormous strength in hops!" + + "And if there's any danger comes to France," + Remarks the seventh man, "_Ireland_ will arise!" + "And if she does, old England will advance!" + The eighth (an Englishman,) with pride replies. + + And so they have it hot, for half a day,-- + First A., then B., then C. and D. at once, + And thus the precious moments roll away, + And none can tell who is the greatest dunce. + + * * * * * + +The Aldermen to their Dinner. + +Gorge us! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OVATION OF MURDER. + +_The Devil, (soliloquizing.)_ "NEW YORK'S THE PLACE FOR ME! THIS IS WHAT +I CALL _REAL_ ENJOYMENT--A MURDERER'S FUNERAL PROCESSION GRANDER FAR +THAN THAT OF ANY GREAT AND GOOD CITIZEN, AND THIS IN A CITY OF +SUNDAY-SCHOOLS AND CHURCHES!". _(The Devil's Walk: Sunday, August 7, +1870.)_] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN AT THE FEMALE CONVENTION. + +The Cardiff Giant and other Fossils at Saratoga. + + "Duble, duble, heaps of truble, + Wimmen's rites will bust the bubble." + + SHAKESPEAR. (WM.) + +The wolves in sheeps clothin' convenshed agin for an annual rippin' up +of things, at Saratogy. + +The undersined, in custody of the undersined's wife, who is a +Hicockalormn of the Skeensboro Sore-eye-sisses, was present at the +singin' of the above selection from the defunct bard. + +Male and femail wimmen was there dressed emblamatical of their callin'. + + "Black folks and white + With red hair and gray, + Mingled for a fite + In Sar-a-to-ga." SHAKESPEAR & GREEN. + +SOOZAN B. ANTHENY was scrumpshusly ragged out in broad-cloth. + +A turkish towellin' vest-pattent lether butes and silk hat, completed +her _Toot in cymbals_. + +ERNEST L. ROZE wore a nobby scotch cassimer soot. She carried a cane and +wore her hair parted in the middle. + +Mrs. RUBE PHENTON--MARTHY WRITE--O'LIMPING BROWN--SARY FILLEO--Mrs. +DEXTER NOLTON--LILLY DEVERS BLAKE--SARY HALLEK--FEBEE CAREY, and other +prominent Fireside agitaters and Herthstun depopulaters, were becominly +araid, and did gustise to their tailors. + +PHREDRICK DOUGLIS, a firey broonet from Rochester, looked bewitchin' in +a _more anteek_ silk dress. + +A camels hair overskirt hung grasefully over his loins. Peepin' out from +beneath his robes, was a delicate little foot, encased in a flesh +cullered pair of No. 11 buckskin mocasins. + +His hair was done up in a 2 bushel waterfall, and was frizzled all over, +_a lar Ethiope_. + +EDWIN A. STUDWELL, of Brooklyn, looked stunnin' in a granny Dean walkin' +dress and red cotton umbreller. + +His back hair was tempestously arranged. + +A couple of bolony sassiges, in a hily chawed up state, hung pendent +from the aft of his gorgeous waterfall, and dangled to his heels, _a lar +cheapee John_, + +When approached by that great captivater of susseptible hearts (?) +SOOZAN B. ANTHENY, ED blushed like a red-headed woodpecker, and hid his +modesty behind a $4.00 palm leaf fan. + +STEVE GRISWOLD, DAN KETCHAM and a few other manikins, was dressed +accordin' to the prevailin' fashions of the feminin sects. + +A good cleen shave would have completed their disgize, and folks +woulden't have had a suspicion but what they was what they was actin' to +be. + +I was shocked to hear one audacious retch remark: + +"Them chaps look like a lot of hen-peckt broken furniture." + + "Come, sisters, cheer we up his sprites + And show the best of femail spites, + So teach that horrid critter, man, + We'll swaller him hul, when ere we can." 1ST WITCH. + +SOOZAN B. was elected chairman. + +On takin' her seat she said: + +"My femail friends by birth, and my femail friends by brevet;" + +"We have convenshed for the purpuss of having our rites redressed----" + +A voice: "Haden't you better go home and redress yourselves first?" + +The whole convention was onto their feet in a second, while the chairman +fell into her seet and regained her composure, by takin' a good helthy +pinch of scotch snuff. + +Quiet bein' restored, a Mrs. GAGE riz to her feet, and, removin' a chew +of tobacker from her mouth, read the follerin' resolutions: + +Whereas: 2 National Wimmen's Suffrage Circus are industrously plyin' +their vocation. + +Whereas: A effort is afoot to jine 'em together under the same tent. + +Now be it resolved: We don't perceeve it in them sunbeams. The New York +State Suffrage Circus is able to paddle her own stone bote. Bosting to +the contrary not-with-out-standin'-up. + +Resolved finally: We is the original JACOBS, and if Bosting don't like +the cut of our Jib, let her lump it. + +(Grate applaws.) + +A strange lookin' woman, who wore a swaller tail cote, red the follerin +resolutions: + +Whereas: Woman has a spear, it hain't to cook vittles--darn +stockin's--tend baby and try to make her husbin happy. + +Whereas: Man is a brute--woman an angle. Man can vote--woman can't. + +Resolved: That as long as man won't give us the ballit, that after Jan., +1871, every mail brat that comes squawkin' into the world, be smothered +the minnit he is borned. + +Resolved: That when the mail rase is extinguished, the superior critter, +woman, take peaceable possession of the ballit box. + +These resolutions was vociferously cheered, Mrs. GREEN becomin' so +exsited that she whacked me over the head with her parasol in a most +ongentlemanly manner. + +(N.B.--I would heer state that I'me a Resistanter agin femail suffrage. + +Give woman the 16th Commendment and we can cry "peece" ontil our +wind-pipes are collored, but not a darned bit of peece will we git, +except occashunly a peece is nockt off of our snoot, for refusin' to get +up early Monday mornin's to do the washin'.) + +At the above juncture of the proceedin's, the Cardiff Jiant, who is +spendin' the summer at this selebrated waterin' place, entered the room. + +The old feller had heard of this grate Fossil Convenshun. + +As the distinguished fraud entered the room, cheers filled the air. + +Members in exstasy jumped up onto the benches--stood on their +heads--threw their false teeth all about the floor, and acted like a lot +of Rocky Mountain injuns, chock full of New England rum. + +Silents was restored by tossin' a live man to the exsited Amazons, whom +they tore to peeces, partly satisfyin' their cravin' appetites. + +Old GIPSUM then _oratoricised_ as viz.: + +"Feller Fossils: This is indeed the most momentous event I've attended +since I left Onondagar. + +"When COTTON MATHER came over in the Grate Eastern, he sent out a dove to +see if the Pilgrims, would allow her to pick any flowers off of Plymouth +Rock. + +"What was the result of that experiment? + +"Why, the dove coulden't find any rest for the soul of her shoo; for +Plymouth Rocks were thicker than Cardiff Jiants. That base man, BARNUM, +had taken plaster casts of the old rock, and there wasen't a town along +the coast, but what had its 'original Plymouth Rock.' + +"The dove, not bein' a good judge of genuine stuns, made her "Shoo fly" +back to the old ark, and told her tail. Therefore, I ask as a personal +favor, seein' that BARNUM sarved me same's he did old Plymouth Rock, +that when this august assemblage of Fossilized human bein's comes down +onto the mail portion of the U. States, old P.T. be turned over to us. +I'le make him think he's got straddle his wooly hoss, and an army of +mermades was after him with red hot pitchforks. + +"Grant me this favor, and when the fite of the Amazons begins, you can +count on me to hold your bonnets." + +Amid tremenjus applaus old Fort Dodger squatted. + +Letters were then read from the Cohoes Mastodon--ARTEMAS WARD'S wax +figgers--the wooly hoss--a miselaneous lot of Egipshun Mummies, and +THEODOR TILTIN--regrettin' their inability to attend the Fossil +Convention. + +HORRIS GREELY was then anathemized, BEN BUTLER--Senator WILSON--and GEO. +FRANCIS TRAIN Ulogized. + +Resolutions were offered that Congressman MORRISEY be pulverized, by +some talented femail startin' a opposition club house, employin' none +but Tigers of the gentle sects. + +After a few more summer complaint speeches agin that Horrible! +Bloodthirsty! 2 legged Monkster, MAN!! the annual Hen convention of +Antideluvian Fossils tide up their bonnet strings--took their husbans +under their off arm--walked down to Congress Spring. + +The witches who dipp up the mineral fluid danced about the cauldron, +while the President of the company spyin' the Femails approachin' +remarked: + + "By the prickin' of my thumb + Somethin' wicked this way comes." + +The above, Friend PUNCHINELLO, was as seen by, + +Ewers faithfully, + +HIRAM GREEN, + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece_. + + * * * * * + +Birds of Passage. + +The African ostrich is sometimes trained to carry passengers on his +back, but the player of "our national game" is often seen "going out on +a Foul." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VERY NECESSARY PRECAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +BLOCKS AND BLOCKHEADS. + +Mr. Punchinello: As the acknowledged redresser of American wrongs and +the enemy of public nuisances, we beg your attention to a vice which +seems to be upon the increase, and which grows in strength with what it +feeds upon. As the vice in question appears to be upon the increase, and +to fascinate its victims by the allurements of the excitement, we +consider it worthy of PUNCHINELLO'S lance, or, in other words, of being +transfixed upon PUNCHINELLO'S quill. + +We refer to the loafing which invariably takes place upon the occasion +of the relaying of the wooden pavement. I say wooden more particularly, +inasmuch as new fangled varieties of pavement, such as Concrete, +Nicholson, etc., although they have their day, cannot be said to compete +for a moment in public regard with the good old fashioned kind first +described. + +Of all the causes that arrest public attention, surely this laying of +wooden pavement is the most enduring and effectual. + +People of every grade and degree make a dead halt as they approach this +centre of interest, and at once settle down for a prolonged inspection +of the works before them. It is true that everybody has seen the same +thing one hundred and fifty times, but this description of indulgence +appears to grow by what it feeds upon, and the fascinated victim watches +the operation of the workers with a gratification which knows no +abatement. The usual formula gone through upon these occasions is as +follows: + +Citizen approaches the scene of interest, and sees crowds of spectators +upon each side; he glances at the workmen, and, after taking stock of +both them and the overseer, proceeds to read the opinion of his fellows +in their faces, after which he settles down in right earnest with his +hands in his pockets for a prolonged stare. This latter may continue for +periods varying from ten minutes to an hour and three quarters, +according to inclination or opportunity. + +If the spectator is a man of business, it is just possible that he may +content himself with measuring the size of the blocks with his eye, and +then pass on, content to know that he, as one out of many taxpayers, is +getting the value of what they are called on to pay for. But with the +mass of the onlookers, the pouring of the hot pitch into the gravelled +interstices is watched with a satisfaction ever new, like that bestowed +in the pantomime upon the application by the clown of the red-hot poker. + +There is also the pleasure of seeing others at hard work, and the +indulgence of everybody's belief (which is common to all present,) that +he or she could suggest an improvement upon the work proceeding, and the +manner of doing it. Then they look at each other once more and depart +contented. + +Upon a moderate calculation, the amount of time devoted by human beings +to this amusing study, in the City of New York, amounts to 2,450,000 +hours per annum. + + * * * * * + +ENGLAND'S QUANDARY. + +Conjecture and expectancy, O PUNCHINELLO! have been the order of the day +in this European turmoil, with regard to the position of what are called +neutral Powers. People have been looking at England with much curiosity +to see what she really does intend. With the facilities which our +_special wire_ affords, I am enabled to report a highly interesting +soliloquy delivered by the Rt. Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE, to his bed-post, at +his home in Spring Gardens, London, after a hot night's debate at St. +STEPHEN'S. Our reporter concealed himself in the key-hole and took +_verbatim_ notes. As in the case of the speeches delivered by the rival +monarchs to their armies, which you published a week in advance of the +speeches themselves, the following can be relied on: + +"I'm tired of answering questions. Let me think awhile. Is war the only +alternative? They blame me for not talking out. Fools, they don't know +where they stand. At home and abroad, difficulty. Our workmen +emigrating; the Irish irreconcilable, (curse that word!) nothing +cheerful that side. + +"France can rock _her_ irreconcilables to sleep to the war lullaby of +that man we have so trusted only to betray us; _our_ irreconcilables +only wait for war to side with our enemy. Prussia, grasping bull-dog as +she is, makes capital out of it, and calls us to her side, while our +stupid people burn with a Prussian fever, which may turn to a plague +to-morrow. + +"Is the Prussian whom we have helped to humble to be our only ally? Then +must we write ourselves down asses in Constantinople. + +"If we had some other head besides weather-cock expediency. France has +an Emperor, Prussia a King to lead them; we have a Queen who takes walks +in the Isle of Wight; and her son--bah! a _roué_ about town. Their +marriage alliances are drag-chains, not bonds of love. Denmark does not +forget our treachery in '65. Holland is afraid of France. We are safe +from America yet. They are too much afraid of the German vote, thank +Heaven, to side with France, but "Alabama" is her watchword, and she +only waits to strangle us. LAFAYETTE and the Hessians are only memories, +they have no votes. Ah! it was a mistake to sympathize with the South. + +"Our statesmen--Heaven save the mark!--are our worst enemies. D'ISRAELI, +the Jew, doubles our difficulty by showing our weakness. He would play +the part of PITT without his brains or his chances. Then we led, now we +are dragged at the tail. We may sign treaties, but we cannot write them. +BRIGHT would be friendly with both; GRANVILLE with neither, and thus +each is offended. It is ridiculous, and the only course left is to +bluster about Belgium. + +"It must be the late dinner. There are all sorts of threatening shadows +around, and but one light; that is a war flame. Let me sleep. To-morrow +the gaping thousands will ask a sign. It may come, but it shall be +hoisted on the Rhine, and, helpless tide waiters, we cannot tell from +which side it shall come. Ah! 'Uneasy sits the man on the ministerial +bench,' as SHAKESPEARE would say to-day, for the crown that he spoke of +is an ornament in the tower." + +REPORTER + + * * * * * + +Magnetic + +Polish soldiers should choose the needle gun. The needle is always +true to the Pole. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAPITAL HINT FOR OUR STATIONARY STREET MUSICIANS, IF +THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY. ] + + * * * * * + +THE LEAVEN OF LEAVENWORTH. + +The great West has long been famous for the loose, untrammelled freedom +with which its inhabitants treat everything and everybody. Breadth, no +less than length, is a striking feature of Western settlements, and that +this element is conspicuous in the journalism of those singular abodes, +no less than in the social life of their inhabitants, generally, is +evidenced in the following advertisement cut from "_The Times_"--a paper +published at Leavenworth, Kansas: + +"NOTICE TO DRIVERS OF FAST STOCK.--Hold your horses and do not drive so +fast. All gay and festive cusses caught driving faster than ordinary +gait in the city, will be brought before Judge Vaughan, for instance--the +fine is $20. + +H. A. ROBERTSON, City Marshal." + +The City Marshal of Leavenworth is clearly a pot-companion of the first +(whiskey and) water. He declines to address his fellow-citizens in the +commonplace terms usually recognised in more prosaic communities. To +adopt his own style of phraseology, ROBERTSON is clearly a "gay and +festive cuss." He is a specimen brick from Kansas, and doubtless always +carries one in his hat. The expression "ordinary gait," as applied to +driving in Kansas, where everybody owns "fast stock," is rather +equivocal in these quieter latitudes to be sure, but we may guess that, +at Leavenworth, a man who rides or drives at a pace of twenty miles an +hour, is liable, "for instance," to a fine of $20, or just one dollar +per mile. Kansas maybe a very nice place to live in, for some people, +but we would hardly recommend Mr. ROBERT BONNER to emigrate thither, and +so risk the probability of being advertised as a "gay and festive cuss." + + * * * * * + +SHIP AHOY! + +Of all public performers, there are none who "draw" better than the +gymnasts who risk their necks by attempting hazardous feats. The fool +who attaches himself by the heels to the car of an ascending balloon is +sure to have thousands of feeble-minded females waving handkerchiefs at +him. BLONDIN, the great French tomfool, brought more people to Niagara +Falls to see him, possibly, add a new Fall to the prospect, than ever +the Falls themselves did. And when another donkey announces that he is +going to stand upon his head on the point of a church spire, that church +is sure to be thronged--outside. These performances, and all of their +sort, should be made punishable, and will probably be so when a hundred +or two performers shall have been killed, in addition to those who have +already suffered. + +Not nearly so exciting as performances of the kind referred to, though, +perhaps, quite as rash, are the ocean voyages occasionally essayed by +tiny, toy ships. One of these--the _Red, White and Blue_--is announced +as about to start upon a "voyage round the world." We wish her our best +wishes, and hope she may get round in the roundest way and time. One of +her first stopping places, though, as we see, is Martha's Vineyard. Our +advice to the skipper of the toy ship, is to go no further than that +delightful haven of rest. MARTHA. will cherish her as a chimney +ornament, or give her to her kids to play with--and nobody will be hurt. + + * * * * * + +Two Renderings. + +_Finis coronat opus:_--The end crowns the work. + +_Finis coroner opus:_--There is plenty of work for the Coroner, but +the "end" does not always appear to be gained. + +All of which is respectfully submitted to the investigators of murder +in this city. + + * * * * * + +The Modern Monks of La Trappe. + +The Coroner, the Assistant District-Attorney, and certain other +officials who have been trying the "trap" game on the witnesses examined +in the NATHAN murder case. + + * * * * * + +Results of Silver Stock. + +1. The dream is ore. + +2. Never mined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE. ] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Englishman, London._--You have lost your wager. Ohio is not the capital +of Indiana. + +_Stranger, New York City._--When you get lost in our streets and do not +know where you are, it is a good plan to seek information from a +policeman. If he does not know where you are, come directly to the +office of PUNCHINELLO. + +_Antiquary._--"The Last of the Barons" was a term applied to an +implement used by the ancient shoemakers. The pedal members of the old +English barons were of a peculiar aristocratic conformation, and lasts +were made expressly for them. This is a curious fact not generally +known. + +_Ploughboy_ finds the following remark in Mr. GREELEY'S thirtieth What, +and asks explanation. + +"So with regard to Carrots. I have never achieved success in growing +these nor Beets." + +We infer that the meaning is, With regard to carrots, sow them. "These +nor Beets" are probably a new variety. They may have come from Norfolk, +but more "presumably" they were found in Alaska. + +_Metaphysician, Cloudland._--Your article on the "Psychical Basis of +Objective Existence" is excellent. Look out for it in the "Juvenile +Department" of our Christmas number. + +_Grammarian._--The expression "We ain't got none" is manifestly +incorrect. It has two negatives. "We ain't got any" is by far more +elegant. + +_Wager_ says that A. made a bet with B. that he could cut a dime in two +at one stroke of his pen-knife, C. to hold the stakes. A. took a +ten-cent "scrip" and chopped it in two with his blade. Meantime C. +walked away with the stake money. Who won? _Answer._--The bet is off. C. +is also off, but no better, and neither A. or B. is any better off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTES ON THE FERRY. + +_Gushington, (with the pipe.)_ "SHE SMILED ON ONE OF US, I'LL SWEAR." + +_Spindle_. "PERHAPS; BUT WHAT'S A SMILE? A POSITIVE NOD FOR ME, OR +NOTHING!"] + + * * * * * + +AERATED VERBIAGE. + +An Every-day Romance. + +CHAPTER I. + +In a room in a palatial tenement house in Avenue D, stood GILBERT +FERNANDE FROU FROU SNOGGS. G.F.F.F.S. was rampant. + +"Why?" you say. + +Gentle reader, hurry me not. Let the tale wag on. She was talking to her +mamma. + +"Now," said G.F.F.F.S., "I prognosticated that my maternal relative +would become oblivions of my reiterated solicitations to perambulate the +Avenue, and make the acquisition of four yards of cerulean hued ribbon," +and she stamped her tiny number eights on the floor. + +You will notice that, even in her anger, she did not forget her English. + +"You can purchase it on the morrow," replied her mamma. + +"I will not remain acquiescent. I will promenade upon my profluence to +Sixth Avenue, and purchase the ceruleous ribbon immediately," said +G.F.F.F.S., putting on her waterproof and sun-bonnet. + +Her mother pointed to the paternal turnip, which hung over the mantel, +and showed her that old Time was "doing stunts" at 10-1/2. + +But G.F.F.F.S. was obstinate. She put on her chignon, her curls, her +breast elevator, her bustle, her high-heeled shoes, a little rouge, a +little whiting and a bit of court-plaster, and sallied forth, down the +dumb-waiter to the cellar, and thence, through the ash-hole, to the +street. + +CHAPTER II. + +The deed was done!!! The purchase was made find G.F.F.F.S. walked +towards her palatial paternal mansion. She felt slightly timid, for, as +she looked at the heavens, she saw that ARCTURUS, who had been playing +tag with CASTOR and POLLUX all the evening, had reached hunk, the Great +Bear. From the astronomical knowledge which she had acquired at the +Vavasour Female Academy, she knew that the paternal turnip now pointed +to the witching hour of 11-1/2. + +Suddenly she found herself surrounded by a party of bandits, (she +thought she was in Greece, but she was only in the 19th Ward.) + +They seized her. + +"Not a word," said the leader. "Your money or your life." + +Now G.F.F.F.S. had lots of life and very little money, so she could +hardly determine whether to give up some of her life or all of her +money. + +"Illustrious banditti," said she, "the auriferous contents of my +reticulated depository are notable for minuteness. Be conservators of my +pullulating existence." + +"I say, TOM," said the leader, "what's her little game?" + +"It sounds like Irish," said TOM. + +"Hand over your stamps," said the leader. + +G.F.F.F.S. slowly drew out her net purse, when suddenly the robbers +fled. G.F.F.F.S. felt that her hero had come, and, like all the +ARAMINTAS in the novels, she fainted and was caught in the arms of-- + +CHAPTER III. + +The author tried to persuade the editor to allow him to write "to be +continued" after the last thrilling chapter, but the editor was +inexorable, hence this chapter, "in the arms of"--a little red-headed +policeman. + +G.F.F.F.S. smiled gently, but, as soon as she had opened her eyes, and +had cast them on the red head, freckled face, pug-nose, and little eyes +of MIKE MCFLYNN, she sprang to her feet. It was better than forty +gallons of hartshorn. She had wasted a faint. + +"_Perdidi animi deliquium_," said she. + +"Mother of MOSES, but you was heavy!" said MCFLYNN. + +But she did not wait, and a pair of number eight shoes might have been +seen by an inquisitive reporter, cutting around the corners and stamping +up seven flights of stairs. + +MORAL. + +When the paternal turnip solemnly points to 10-1/2, G.F.F.F.S. puts her +number eights on the mantel, looks reflectively at a sore-eyed kitten, +and falls into polysyllables. + + * * * * * + +HOMODEIFICATION. + +Late advices from China convey the intelligence that the +American-Chinese General WARD, who died in the service of the Celestial +empire, has been postmortuarily brevetted to the rank of a "major god," +and is now regularly worshipped as such by JOHN PIGTAIL. + +Possibly the antithesis to this may turn up on the cards, here. In the +course of events the bronze idol to which our PHILLIPSES and SUMNERS +used to bend the knee, has been prostrated from his pedestal by the +Fifteenth Amendment. Coolie labor, with its possible abuses, may engage +the attention of the philanthropists, next, and we may yet behold JOHN +PIGTAIL on a pedestal, in the character of an American "major god." + + * * * * * + +"LUCUS A NON," ETC. + +In the culinary department of a newspaper we find a recipe for making +"bird's nest pudding," which would surely make the pigtail of a JOHN +Chinaman stick straight up on end. The component parts of the pudding +are apples, sugar, milk, five eggs, and vanilla. Perhaps the inventor of +the pudding once found a bird's nest with five eggs in it, and has thus +essayed to immortalize the interesting fact. + + * * * * * + +Bullet Proof. + +The fact of the young Prince Imperial having picked up a bullet on the +field of Saarbruck is significant It proves that, like a true BONAPARTE, +he is prompt to take the Lead. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. | + | | + | A Special Lot of IRISH DAMASK TABLE | + | CLOTHS in 8-4 and 8-4-4, 10-4 from $2 | + | and $2.50 and upwards | + | | + | 5-8 DAMASK NAPKINS, | + | $1 per doz. upward. | + | | + | TABLE DAMASK, | + | 40c. per yard and upward. | + | | + | HUCKABUCK TOWELS, | + | $1.50 per doz. and upward. | + | | + | PILLOW LINEN, | + | 40-inch wide. 30c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2 yards wide. 60c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-1/4 yard wide, 70c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-1/2 yards wide, 90c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-3/4 yards wide, $1 per yard. | + | | + | A Job Lot of READY-MADE, LINEN SHEETS, | + | from $2.50 per pair and upward. | + | | + | Fine yard-wide IRISH LINEN, | + | suitable for Ladies' wear, 35c. | + | | + | Extra Heavy IRISH LINEN | + | for Gentlemen's wear, 40c. | + | | + | Further Reductions In | + | SUMMER QUILTS and BLANKETS. | + | | + | ALL WOOL WHITE FLANNELS, | + | 25c. per yard. | + | | + | A new all wool | + | GRAY FLANNEL for LADIES' OVERSKIRTS, | + | 40c. per yard. | + | | + | TWEEDS | + | for Bathing Suits, 30c. per yard. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Call special attention to their large and well | + | selected stock of | + | | + | Domestic Cotton Goods, | + | | + | Consisting of | + | | + | BLEACHED AND BROWN | + | | + | Shirtings and Sheetings | + | | + | IN ALL THE CHOICE BRANDS; | + | | + | ALSO | + | | + | Tickings, Denims, | + | | + | ETC., ETC., AT | + | | + | EXTREMELY LOW PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | IRISH AND FRENCH POPLINS | + | | + | At very Low Prices. | + | | + | MERINO AND EMPRESS CLOTHS | + | | + | IN CHOICE | + | | + | FALL AND WINTER COLORS, | + | | + | 75c. and upward. | + | | + | ALL WOOL SERGES | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard, worth $1.50 and $1.75 | + | | + | TARTAN PLAIDS, | + | | + | IN GREAT VARIETY, | + | | + | From 35c. and upward. | + | | + | WINSEYS, | + | | + | From 35 to 40 cents per yard. | + | | + | ROUBAIX POPLINS, | + | | + | From 25 to 40 cents per yard. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. + +_Regular Customer._ "ALONZO, BRING ME SOME BEANS AND TOMAYTESES." + +_Waiter._ "YES'M. "WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR ON TWO PLATESES?"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. Wholesale and Retail. | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for ... | + | $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August +27, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + +***** This file should be named 10019-8.txt or 10019-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10019/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August 27, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 8, 2003 [EBook #10019] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img src="images/01a.jpg" alt="CARBOLIC SALVE"> + <p><b>Recommended by Physicians.</b></p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS.<br> +SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PRICE 25 CENTS.</small></p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor,<br> +No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 22.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="6"> + <center> + <p><big><big><big><b>$47,000 REWARD.</b></big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PROCLAMATION.</p> + </center> + <p><b>The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan.</b></p> + <p>The widow having determined to increase the rewards heretofore +offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), and no result having yet +been obtained, and suggestions having been made that the rewards were +not sufficiently distributive or specific, the offers in the previous +proclamation are hereby superseded by the following:</p> + <p>A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and conviction +of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was killed in his house, No. 12 +West Twenty-third Street, New York, on the morning of Friday, July 29.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt Studs which +were taken from the clothing of the deceased on the night of the +murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and +1/16 carats, and the other, a flat stone, showing nearly a surface of +one carat, weighed 3/4 and 1/32. All three were mounted in skeleton +settings, with spiral screws, but the color of the gold, setting of the +flat diamond was not so dark as the other two.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor Hunting-case +Stem-winding Watch, No. 6657, 19 lines, or about two inches in +diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for the Chain and Seals thereto +attached. The Chain is very massive, with square links, and carries a +Pendant Chain with two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," +cut thereon.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to the +identification and recovery of an old-fashioned open-faced Gold Watch, +with gold dial, showing rays diverging from the center, and with raised +figures; believed to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at +the same time as the above articles.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold +Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears an +inscription of presentation not precisely known, but believed to be +either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the Jews' Hospital," or, "To +Benjamin Nathan, President of the Jews' Hospital."</p> + <p>A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete detailed +information descriptive of this medal, which may be useful in securing +its recovery.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to +the identification of the instrument used in committing the murder, +which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece of wrought iron +about sixteen inches long, turned up for about an inch at each end, and +sharp; such as is used by ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, +ladder-makers, pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their +flasks.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the morning +of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick up a piece of +paper lying there, and then walk away with it, if he will come forward +and produce it.</p> + <p>Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the +Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New York; or to +James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer.</p> + <p>A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR.</p> + <p>The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are +guaranteed by me.</p> + <p>Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN,<br> +Widow of B. NATHAN.</p> + <p>The following reward has also been offered by the New York +Stock Exchange:</p> + <p>$10,000—The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten +Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the murderer or +murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of said Exchange, who was +killed on the night of July 28, 1870, at his house in Twenty-third +street, New York City.</p> + <p>J.L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman, Gov. Com.<br> +D.C. HAYS, Treasurer.<br> +B.O. WHITE, Secretary.<br> +MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for July,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big></p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND +LABEL MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street,</b></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW YORK.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>FOLEY'S</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">$2<br> + </span></big></big> <span style="font-weight: bold;">to ALBANY +and TROY.</span></big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew,</b> +commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry +Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to +Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <br> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> + 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> + to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> + Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> + Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <br> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i></p> + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <br> + <p>WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R.</small></p> + <p> NICHOLS, M.D.<br> +WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</big></p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>HOME LIFE</b>, <b><br> + </b></p> + <p><b>The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>.</p> + <p>$1.00 Per Year.</p> + <p><i>Journal and Punchinello<br> + </i></p> + <p><i>(without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY</p> + <p> Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,</p> + <p><b>150 CONGRESS STREET,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> +BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by +the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p>CHAPTER XV.</p> + <p>"SPOTTED."</p> + <p>When the bell of St. Cow's began ringing for Ritualistic +morning-service, with a sound as of some incontinently rambling dun +spinster of the lacteal herd—now near at hand in cracked dissonance, as +the wind blows hither; now afar, in tinkling distance, as the wind +blows hence—MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON was several miles away from +Bumsteadville upon his walking-match, with head already bumped like a +pineapple, and face curiously swelled, from amateur practice with the +Indian Club. Being by that time cold enough for breakfast, and willing +to try the virtues of some soothing application to his right eye, +which, from a bruise just below it, was nearly closed, the badly banged +young man suspended his murderous calisthenics at the door of a rustic +hotel, and there entered to secure a wayside meal.</p> + <p>The American country "hotel," or half-way house, is, perhaps, +one of the most depressing fictions ever encountered by +stage-passenger, or pedestrian afield: and depends so exclusively upon +the imagination for any earthly distinction from the retired and +neglected private hiding-place of some decayed and morbid agricultural +family, that only the conventional swing sign-board before the door +saves the cognizant mind from a painfully dense confusion. Smelling +about equally of eternal wash-day, casual cow-shed, and passing +feather-bed, it sustains a lank, middle-aged, gristly man to come out +at the same hour every day and grunt unintelligibly at the +stage-driver, an expressionless boy in a bandless straw-hat and no +shoes to stare blankly from the doorway at the same old pole-horse he +has mechanically thus inspected from infancy, and one speckled hen of +mature years to poise observingly on single leg at the head of the +shapeless black dog asleep at the sunny end of the low wooden stoop. It +is the one rural spot on earth where a call for fresh eggs evokes +remonstrative and chronic denial; where chickens for dinner are sternly +discredited as mere freaks of legendary romance, and an order for a +glass of new milk is incredulously answered by a tumblerful of water +which tastes of whitewash-brush. Whosoever sleeps there of a night +shall be crowded by walls which rub off into a faint feather-bed of the +flavor and consistency of geese used whole, and have for his feverish +breakfast in the morning a version of broiled ham as racy of attic-salt +as the rasher of BACON'S essays. And to him who pays his bill there, +ere he straggles weakly forth to repair his shattered health by +frenzied flight, shall be given in change such hoary ten-cent shreds of +former postal currency as he has not hitherto deemed credible, sticking +together in inextricable conglomeration by such fragments of +fish-scales as he never before believed could be gathered by handled +small-money from palms not sufficiently washed after piscatorial +diversion.</p> + <p>It was in at a country hotel, then, that the young Southern +pedestrian turned for temporary rest and a meal, and pitiless was the +cross-examination instituted by the inevitable lank, middle-aged +gristly man, before he could reconcile it with his duty as a cautious +public character to reveal the treasures of the larder. Those bumps on +the head, that swollen eye, and nose, came—did they?—from swinging this +here club for exercise. Well, he wanted to know, now! People generally +used two of the clubs at once—did they?—but one was enough for a +beginner. Well, he <i>wanted</i> to know, now! Could he supply a +couple of poached eggs and a cup of milk? No, young man; but a slice of +corned pork and a bowl of tea were within the resources of the +establishment.</p> + <p>When at length upon the road again, the bruised youth resolved +to follow a cattle-track "across lots," for the greater space in which +to exercise with his Indian club as he walked. Like any other novice in +the practice, he could not divest his mind of the impression, that the +frightful thumps he continually received, in twirling the merciless +thing around and behind his devoted head, were due to some kind of +crowding influence from the boundaries on either side the way, and it +was to gain relief from such damaging contraction of area that he left +the highway for the wider wintry fields. Going onward in these latter +at an irregular pace; sometimes momentarily stunned into a rangy +stagger by a sounding blow on the cerebrum or the cerebellum; and, +again, irritated almost to a run by contusion of shoulder-blade or +funny-bone; he finally became aware that two men were following him +through the lots, and that with a closeness of attention indicating +more than common interest. To the perception of his keenly sensitive +Southern nature they at once became ribald Yankee vandals, hoping for +unseemly amusement from the detection of some awkwardness in the +Indian-club-play of a defeated but not conquered Southern Gentleman; +and, in the haughty sectional pride of his contemptuous soul, he +indignantly determined to show not the least consciousness of their +disrespectful observation. Twirling the club around and around his +battered head with increasing velocity, he smiled scornfully to +himself, nor deigned a single backward glance at the one of his two +followers who approached more rapidly than the other. He heard the +hindermost say to the foremost, "Leave him alone, I tell you, and he'll +knock himself down in a minute," and, in a passionately reckless effort +of sheer bravado to catch the club from one hand with the other while +it yet circled swiftly over his skull, he accidentally brought the +ungovernable weapon into tremendous contact with the top of his head, +and dashed himself violently to the earth.</p> + <p>"Didn't I tell you he'd do it?" cried the hindermost of the +two strangers, coming up; while the other coolly seated himself upon +the prostrated victim. "These here Indian clubs always throw a man if +he ain't got muscle in his arms; and this here little Chivalry has got +arms like a couple of canes."</p> + <p>"Arise from me instantly, fellow. You're sitting upon my +breast-pin," exclaimed MONTGOMERY to the person sitting upon him.</p> + <p>They suffered him to regain his feet, which he did with +extreme hauteur, and surveyed his bumped head and swollen countenance +with undisguised wonder.</p> + <p>"How dare you treat a Southerner in this way?" continued the +young man, his head aching inexpressibly. "I thought the war was over +long ago. If money is your object, seek out a citizen of some other +section than mine; for the South is out of funds just now, owing to the +military outrages of Northern scorpions."</p> + <p>"We're constables, Mr. PENDRAGON," was the reply, "and it is +our duty to take you back to the main road, where a couple of your +friends are waiting for you."</p> + <p>Staring from one to the other in speechless wonder at what +this fresh outrage upon the down-trodden South could mean, MONTGOMERY +allowed them to replace his Indian club in his hand, and conduct him +back to the public road; where, to his increased bewilderment, he found +Gospeler SIMPSON and the Ritualistic organist.</p> + <p>"What is the matter, gentlemen?" he asked, in great agitation: +"must I take the oath of Loyalty; or am I required by Yankee +philanthropy to marry a negress?"</p> + <p>At the sound of his voice, Mr. BUMSTEAD left the shoulder of +Mr. SIMPSON, upon which he had been leaning with great weight, and, +coming forward in three long skips, deliberately wound his right hand +in the speaker's neck-tie.</p> + <p>"Where are those nephews—where's that umbrella?" demanded the +organist, with considerable ferocity.</p> + <p>"Nephews!—umbrella!" gasped the other.</p> + <p>"The EDWINS—bone handle," explained Mr. BUMSTEAD, lurching +towards his captive.</p> + <p>"Mr. MONTGOMERY," interposed the Gospeler, sadly, Mr. DROOD +went out with you last night, late, from his estimable uncle's +lodgings, and has not been seen since. Where is he?"</p> + <p>"He went back into the house again, sir, after I had walked +him up and down the road a few times."</p> + <p>"Well, then, where's that umbrella?" roared the organist, who +seemed quite beside himself with grief and excitement.</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD, pray be more calm," implored the Reverend +OCTAVIUS.</p> + <p>"Mr. MONTGOMERY, this agitated gentleman's nephew has been +mysteriously missing ever since he went out with you at midnight: also +an alpaca umbrella."</p> + <p>"Upon my honor, I know nothing of either," ejaculated the +unhappy Southerner.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD, still holding him by the neck-tie, cast a fiery +and unsettled glance around at nothing in particular; then ground his +teeth audibly, and scowled.</p> + <p>"My boy's missing!" he said, hissingly.—"Y'understand?—he's +missing.—I must insist upon searching the prisoner."</p> + <p>In the presence of Gospeler and constables, and loftily +regardless alike of their startled wonder and the young man's protests, +the maddened uncle of the lost DROOD deliberately examined all the +captive's pockets in succession. In one of them was a penknife, which, +after thoughtfully trying it upon his pink nails, he abstractedly +placed in his own pocket. Searching next the overwhelmed Southerner's +travelling-satchel, he found in it an apple, which he first eyed with +marked suspicion, and then bit largely into, as though half expecting +to find in it some traces of his nephew.</p> + <p>"I'll keep this suspicious fruit," he remarked, with a hollow +laugh; and, bearing unreservedly upon the nearer arm of the hapless +MONTGOMERY, and eating audibly as he surged onward, he started on the +return march for Bumsteadville.</p> + <p>Not a word more was spoken until, after a cool Christmas +stroll of about eight and a quarter miles, the whole party stood before +Judge SWEENEY in the house of the latter. There, when the story had +been sorrowfully repeated by the Gospeler, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited the +core of the apple, and tickled the magistrate almost into hysterics by +whispering very closely in his ear, that it was a core curiously +similar to that of the last apple eaten by his nephew; and, having been +found in an apple from the prisoner's satchel, might be useful in +evidence. Judge SWEENEY wished to know if Mr. PENDRAGON had any +political relations, or could influence any votes? and, upon being +answered in the negative, eyed the young man sternly, and said that +appearances were decidedly against him. He could not exactly commit him +to jail without accusation, although the apple-core and his political +unimportance subjected him to grave suspicion: but he should hold the +Gospeler responsible for the youth's appearance at any time when his +presence should be required. Mr. BUMSTEAD, whose eyes were becoming +very glassy, then suggested that a handbill should be at once printed +and circulated, to the effect that there had been Lost, or Stolen, two +Black Alpaca Nephews, about 5 feet 8 inches high, with a bone handle, +light eyes and hair, and whalebone ribs; and that if the said EDWIN +would return, with a brass ferule slightly worn, the finder should +receive earnest thanks, and be seen safely to his home by J. BUMSTEAD. +Mr. Gospeler SIMPSON and Judge SWEENEY agreed that a handbill should be +issued: but thought it might confuse the public mind if the missing +nephew and the lost umbrella were not kept separate.</p> + <p>"Has either 'f you gen'l'men ever been 'n Uncle?" asked the +Ritualistic organist, with dark intensity.</p> + <p>They shook their heads.</p> + <p>"<i>Then,</i>" said Mr. BUMSTEAD, with great force,—"THEN, +gen'l'men, you-knownor-wahritis-to-lose-'n-umbrella!"</p> + <p>Before they could decide in their weaker minds what the +immediate connection was, he had left them, at a sharp slant, in great +intellectual disturbance, and was passing out through the entry-way +with both his hands against the wall.</p> + <p>Early next morning, while young Mr. PENDRAGON was locked in +his room, startled and wretched, the inconsolable uncle of EDWIN DROOD +was energetically ransacking every part of Bumsteadville for the +missing man. House after house he visited, like some unholy inspector: +peering up chimneys, prodding under carpets, and staying a long time in +cellars where there was cider. Not a bit of paper or cloth blew along +the turnpike but he eagerly picked it up, searched in it with the most +anxious care, and finally placed it in his hat. Going to the Pond, with +a borrowed hatchet, he cut a bole in the thick ice, lost the hatchet, +and, after bathing his head in the water, declared that his alpaca +nephew was not there. Finding an antique flask in one of his pockets, +he gradually removed all the liquid contents therefrom with a tubular +straw, but still could discern no traces of EDWIN DROOD. All the +live-long day he prosecuted his researches, to the great discomposure +of the populace: and, with whitewash all over the back of his coat, and +very dingy hands, had just seated himself at his own fireside in the +evening, when Mr. DIBBLE came in.</p> + <p>"This is a strange disappearance," said Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"And it was good as new," groaned the organist, with but one +eye open.</p> + <p>"Almost new!—<i>what</i> was?"</p> + <p>"Th'umbrella."</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD," returned the old man, coldly, "I am not +talking of an umbrella, but of Mr. EDWIN."</p> + <p>"Yesh, I know," said the uncle. "Awright. I'm li'lle sleepy; +tha'sall."</p> + <p>"I've just seen my ward, Mr. BUMSTEAD."</p> + <p>"'She puerwell, shir?"</p> + <p>"She is <i>not</i> pretty well. Nor is Miss PENDRAGON."</p> + <p> "I'm vahr' sorry," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, just audibly.</p> + <p>"Miss PENDRAGON scorns the thought of any blame for her +brother," continued Mr. DIBBLE, eyeing the fire.</p> + <p>"It had a bun-bone handle," muttered the other, dreamily. +Then, with a momentary brightening—"'scuse me, shir: whah'll y'take?"</p> + <p>"Nothing, sir!" was the sharp response. "I'm not at all +thirsty. But there is something more to tell you. At the last meeting +of my ward and your nephew—just before your dinner here,—they concluded +to break their engagement of marriage, for certain good reasons, and +thenceforth be only brother and sister to each other."</p> + <p>Starting forward in his chair, with partially opened eyes, the +white-washed and dingy Mr. BUMSTEAD managed to get off his hat, +covering himself with a bandanna handkerchief and innumerable old +pieces of paper and cloth, as he did so, from head to foot; made a +feeble effort to throw it at the aged lawyer; and then, chair and all, +tumbled forward with a crash to the rug, where he lay in a refreshing +sleep.</p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CHINCAPIN AT LONG BRANCH.</b></p> + <p>A QUAKER friend of mine once observed that he loved the Ocean +for its Broad Brim. So do I, but not for that alone. I am partial to it +on account of the somewhat extensive facilities it affords for Sea +Bathing. Learning to swim, by the way, was my principal Elementary +study. I have just returned from taking a plunge in company with many +other distinguished persons. How it cools one to rush into the "Boiling +Surf." How refreshing to dive Below the Billow. I don't think I could +ever have a Surfeit of the Surf, I am so fond of it. Oh! the Sea! the +Sea! with its darkly, deeply cerulean—but stop! I am getting out of my +depth. Would that I were a poet, that I—But I ain't, so what's the use?</p> + <p>As I sat on the verandah of the ------ Hotel the other +morning, gazing on the broad expanse of Ocean and wiping the +perspiration which trickled from my lofty brow, (the thermometer marked +90 degrees,) I could not help recalling the beautifully appropriate +lines of the celebrated bard:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"When +the sun's perpendicular rays</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Begin to illumine the Sea,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The fishies exclaim in amaze</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Confound it! how hot it will +be!'"</span> </div> + <p>What a pity that the Bathing here has a drawback. I refer, of +course, to the Under Tow, which has caused some Untoward accidents. +Those who have experienced it, say it is impossible to keep your Feet +when caught by the Under Tow. Presence of mind is indispensable in such +a case, but, unfortunately, timid swimmers are too apt to lose their +Heads as well as their feet. Some of the lady visitors are Beautiful +Swimmers, and their Divers Charms excite universal admiration. Many of +these fair Amphitrites are so constantly in or on the water that it +would hardly be a Fib to call them Amphibious. Their husbands and +brothers are, I regret to say, not so much On the Water, preferring +something a trifle stronger semi-occasionally, if not oftener.</p> + <p>You know what a popular amusement crabbing is here. I seldom +indulge in it myself, as I have bad luck, which makes me Crabbed.</p> + <p>Our "distinguished guests," as JENKINS would say, are very +numerous, and it is truly an edifying sight to see judges, legislators, +eminent politicians, and other "Heads of the People" bobbing about in +the water together.</p> + <p>Some folks don't seem to care what they spend when they come +here, and no sooner arrive at the Branch than they Branch out into all +sorts of extravagance. There is some superb horseflesh here just now, +and the fastest nags may be seen doing their Level best on the Smooth +Beach. The Race Track, Grand Stand, &c., are all that the vivid +fancy of a PUNCHINELLO can paint them. The bathing costumes! who can do +justice to them and their lovely wearers? Some time ago, (as I am +informed,) a lady made her appearance on the beach as a Nereid. Did you +Ne'er read of the Nereids, Mr. PUNCHINELLO? If you have, you are aware +that they were the Sea Nymphs of the Ancients, in other words the Old +Maids of the Sea, who never got married, and frequently played Scaly +tricks on Mariners. The Nereid referred to was arrayed in pea green and +spangles, with green tresses, which is very well known to be the +correct costume of a mermaid of antiquity, copied from the latest Paris +fashions. This Spritely lady was, however, unprovided with a tail, +which was Unmermaidenlike in the Extreme.</p> + <p>You know how brilliant the Hops are, so I will Skip them. One +thing, however, is worth noting. At some of the Hotels they have a +Spread on the carpet before the dancing begins, as well as a supper +afterwards. The excellent music of the Hotel bands is Instrumental in +drawing crowds of listeners to the Ball rooms. Some Chinese Jugglers +gave an entertainment here the other evening, but I didn't go, not +being in the Juggler Vein. Yours Reverentially,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/05.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>PRUSSIC ACID.</b></p> + <p>"FIFTY DOUSAND FENIANS ARMED MID REPEATERS FOR FRANCE! LET 'EM +GO! BEESMARK WILL MAKE DEM NOT COOM PACK TO REPEAT IN DIS GOONDERY NO +MORE!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO IV.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Little +JACK HORNER</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Sat in a corner.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Eating a Christmas Pie:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He put in his thumb</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And pulled out a plum,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And said, "What a brave boy am +I."</span> </div> + <p>In Canto I, I have shown the varied emotions which seized the +tender soul of Old Mother HUBBARD'S Dog. Emotions so fierce in their +sorrow, that they left not a single wiggle in his tail: his hopes were +crushed, his expectations ruined. In Canto II I have pictured the +musical propensities of the genus <i>Cat</i>, the wandering vagaries +of the moon-dane cow, the purp's withering contempt thereat, and the +frisky evolutions of the dish which rolled off on its ear. In Canto III +I have portrayed the "tender passion" and its melancholy result on the +hill-side—a fitting illustration of the fact that the course of true +love never did run smooth, especially if there were big rocks to knock +one's toes against. And now, in Canto IV, I am about to portray +childish innocence in the pursuit of bliss.</p> + <p>All things are graded, with the trifling exception of many of +our streets. But who cares about this grade of bliss? I don't, and I am +sure the poet didn't when he sang the lines at the head of this +chapter. Bliss is graded. The old man in Wall street, with white hair +and white necktie, and smooth polished tongue, has his degree of bliss +when he is engaged in throwing stones at the Apes in the tree-top, that +they may return the throw with gold cocoa-nuts. The young lady has her +degree of bliss when her waist is entwined by "Dear CHAWLES," who +soothes her troubled spirit with the tender melody of "Red as a beet is +she,"— alluding to her would-be rival. The nice young man has his +degree of bliss when he chews a tooth-pick—poor goose! (not the nice +young man, but the fowl which gave the quill,)—and is given a smile by +a dark-eyed female in a passing stage.</p> + <p>And Infantdom has—But our poet beautifully illustrates this in +the stanzas we have quoted.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Little +JACK HORNER,"</span> </div> + <p>says he, with the easy grace of one perfectly familiar with +the subject he is to treat; neither frightened at its immensity, nor +putting himself in the way of a dilemma by stopping to examine details. +Little JACK was the poet's pet because he was the afflicted one of the +household, and poets know full well how to sympathize with affliction. +Perhaps JACK sat down to dinner next to cross-eyed SUSAN ANN, "by +Brother BILL'S gal," and perhaps JACK'S nose was tickled by a little +blue-bottle, and that he sneezed right into her soup-plate; and then he +was hurried from the table for blowing a fly into SUSAN ANN'S soup! He +would lose his dinner. His napkin would miss its accustomed wash!</p> + <p>"Shall it be thus? No!" says the poet. "Dry your tears, little +JACK, go to the well-stocked pantry, my boy, and get something to eat. +The jury will not convict you of stealing, for their verdict will be +that you did the deed in self-defence." And he did—go to the closet, +and—</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Sat +in the corner,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Eating a Christmas Pie."</span> </div> + <p>See the smiles as they wreathe themselves on his chubby +countenance. How little JACK looks at the pie! how he turns it round +and round to find the best spot whereon to begin the attack! How he +smacks his lips, and thinks how nice it would be if he <i>could</i> +wish to give SUSAN ANN a taste! But he can't.</p> + <p>Suddenly an idea strikes JACK. He has heard Uncle TOM talk of +a big war between Frawnce and Proossia, and all about the soldiers and +the cannon, and the big noises. Little JACK will make war on the pie. +He will be Frawnce, the pie will be Proossia. He sets it squarely +before him on the floor; rolls up his sleeves, may be; his eyes sparkle +with determination; he finds the most vulnerable spot in the crust; he +makes one bold dive with his thumb, it goes down, down down, crushing +everything before it; it feels something; renewed vigor flows through +JACK'S veins, and gives him new strength for the attack; victory crowns +him; and, in the words of the poet,</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"He +pulled out a plum,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And said, 'What a brave boy am +I.'"</span> </div> + <p>—Now he is happy. He has realized his fondest hopes. The +blue-bottle has no tickle for him now. He was Frawnce and he has licked +Proossia. There is nothing left but the plate, and his teeth are not +hard enough for that.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"Hooray for the Impurrur!"</b></p> + <p>The ardor with which our Milesian element embraces the cause +of France furnishes a puzzle for many thoughtful minds; and yet its +solution is simple. In planning a passage of the Rhine, LOUIS NAPOLEON +proposes to BRIDGET. That's all.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Roland for his Oliver.</b></p> + <p>OLIVER DYER, of the <i>Sun</i>, is the original "Dyer +Necessity that knows no law."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>And now comes to light another divorce case in Chicago. Mrs. +HUGG sues Mr. HUGG for a decree <i>e vinculo matrimonii</i>. If there +is anything in a name, no one will gainsay the observation that if +hugging has lost its charm, Mrs. HUGG is the last person to make a fuss +about it. She took her HUGG with a full knowledge of the circumstances, +and it is contrary to public policy and good morals that her plea of +"hugged out" should enable her to obtain the remedy which she seeks.</p> + <p>In France they do not wait for the completion of the years of +adolescence to dub a scion of the royal family with the title of "man." +The Prince Imperial, prior to his departure for the wars, was presented +at Court as the "first gentleman" of France. For a youth of fourteen he +is said to have gone through the trying ceremonies with great credit +until directed by his mamma to dance with a venerable female of noble +blood, just as he was about to lend a beautiful American miss through +the mazes of a Schottische. The son of his father took one glance at +the ancient dame, and one at the lovely creature beside him, and then +set up a right royal blubber of disappointment.</p> + <p>"Remember, my son," said EUGENIE, "you are a man now, and men +never cry."</p> + <p>"Oh! mamma," sighed the afflicted Prince, "let me be a boy +again, rather than dance with <i>cette vieille</i> yonder!"</p> + <p>Alas! for the ambition of monarchs, who put forward their +beardless progeny to do the deeds of men, and to suffer with men's +fortitude, when they are more fit to be puling in a nurse's arms, or +unravelling silk skeins for some maid of honor.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p>Punchinello's Vacations.</p> + <p>It was hot when Mr. PUNCHINELLO started for Niagara. So hot +that no allusions to Fahrenheit would give an idea of the tremendous +preponderance of caloric in the atmosphere. The trip was full of +discomforts, and there was great danger, at one time, that the train +would arrive at Niagara with a load of desiccated bodies. Of course the +water all boiled away in the engine-tanks, causing endless stoppages; +and of course the hot sun, pouring directly upon the roof of the cars, +caused the boards thereof to curl up and twist about in such fantastic +fashion, that they afforded no protection whatever to the passengers, +who were obliged to resort to sunshades and umbrellas, or get under the +seats. Added to this were the facts that the ice-water in the coolers +scalded the mouth; the brass-work on the seats blistered the hands; and +the empty stoves, almost red-hot from their exposure to the sun, +superheated the cars to a degree that was maddening. Added to these was +the fact that the intense heat expanded the rails until they were +several miles longer than usual, and thus the passengers suffered the +tortures of the transit for an increased length of time.</p> + <p>When, at last, Mr. P. was conveyed, in a stifling hack, (the +fare had risen, under the unusual circumstances, about one hundred and +ten degrees,) to a stifling little room under the hot roof of an hotel +exposed to the sun on every side, and had taken an extempore Russian +bath while changing his linen, and had partaken of a hot dinner, he +might have been excused for saying that he would like to cool off a +little.</p> + <p>Inquiring if there was any stream of water convenient, he was +directed to the river Niagara, which runs hard by the hotel.</p> + <p>Reaching the banks of the river, Mr. P. was very much pleased +by the prospect. There is a considerable depression in the bed of the +stream at one point, and the water runs over the rocks quite rapidly, +carrying with it such leaves, twigs, steamboats or other objects that +may be floating upon its surface.</p> + <img src="images/06a.jpg" align="left" alt=""> + <p>Mr. P. immediately perceived the advantages of this condition +of things to a a gentleman suffering from the heat, and procuring a +boat, he rowed close to the foot of a cascade formed by the inclination +in the bed of the river, and throwing out his anchor, revelled in the +luxury of the cool spray and the refreshing sound of the rushing water.</p> + <p>Does not this look cool?</p> + <p>When sufficiently refreshed, Mr. P. rowed to shore, feeling +like another man. With the greatest confidence in its merits, he +recommends his plan to those who may be suffering from the summer heat.</p> + <p>After breakfast the next morning, Mr. P. set out to see what +he could see. He did not engage the services of any hackman or +professional guide.</p> + <p>He had heard of their extortions, and determined to submit to +nothing of the kind. He intended relying entirely upon himself. He +walked some distance without meeting with any of the places of interest +of which he had heard so much.</p> + <p>Meeting at length with a respectable elderly gentleman, Mr. P. +inquired of him the way to the Cave of the Winds.</p> + <img src="images/06b.jpg" align="right" alt=""> + <p>"The Cave of the Winds? Ah!" said this worthy person. "You +turn to your left here, sir—ah! and then you keep on for about—ah! half +a mile, and you will—ah! see a gate—ah! Behind that is a man and the +cave—ah!"</p> + <p>Mr. P. thanked him and was proceeding on his way, when the +worthy citizen touched him on the arm, saying:</p> + <p>"Twenty-one dollars, if you please, sir."</p> + <p>"Twenty-one dev----developments!" cried Mr. P; "Why, what do +you mean?"</p> + <p>"Information, sir; fifty cents a word; forty-two words; +twenty-one dollars."</p> + <p>It must not be supposed that Mr. P. submitted tamely to this +outrage, but after a long dispute, it was agreed to refer the matter to +the arbitration of three of the principal citizens. They promptly +decided that the charge was just and must be paid, but, owing to Mr. +P.'s earnest protestations, they agreed to throw out the "ahs," as +being of doubtful value as information. The sum thus saved to Mr. P. +exactly paid for drinks for the party.</p> + <p>Mr. P. now very sensibly concluded that it was about time to +leave, if his editors, his printers, and the employés in his +pun-factory were to expect any pay that week, and so he set out for +home in the evening, taking a shortcut by the way of Montreal.</p> + <p>He thought that a day might be very profitably spent here, +especially if he could fall in with any of the French-Canadians, of +whose peculiarities he had heard so much. The study of human nature was +always Mr. P.'s particular forte.</p> + <p>On the morning of his arrival, Mr. P. met, in the dining-room +of the hotel, a gentleman who was unmistakably a Frenchman, and being +in Canada, was probably Canadian. As they were sitting together at the +table, Mr. P., having mentally rubbed up his knowledge of the French +language, addressed his companion thus:</p> + <p>"<i>Avez-vous le chapeau de mon frere?</i>"</p> + <p>The gentleman thus politely addressed, bowed, smiled, and +after a little hesitation answered:</p> + <p>"<i>Non, Monsieur; mais jài le fromage de votre soeur.</i>"</p> + <p>"<i>Eh bien</i>" said Mr. P., as he scratched his head for a +moment. "<i>Otez vous vos souliers et vos bas?</i>"</p> + <p>The other answered promptly, "<i>Je n'ote ni les uns ni les +autres.</i>"</p> + <p>"<i>Votre père,</i>" remarked Mr. P., "<i>a-t-il la +chandelle de votre oncle?</i>"</p> + <p>His companion remained silent for a minute or two, and then he +said:</p> + <p>"I forget the French of the answer to that, but I know the +English of it; it is 'no, sir, but he has the +apples-of-the-ground-of-sugar of my mother-in-law.'"</p> + <p>When Mr. P. discovered, after a little conversation in the +vernacular, that his companion was a New York dry-goods clerk, he gave +up the study of the French-Canadian character and went on with his +breakfast.</p> + <p>When he went out into the streets to see the lions of the city +he was delighted to meet with some old friends. In company with them he +visited the Government House; the Cathedral; the Statue of NELSON; the +VICTORIA bridge; and everything else of interest in the place. But +nothing was so delightful to him as the faces of these old friends, +from whom he had been separated so long.</p> + <br> + <center> + <p><b>When, at last, they left him, he returned sadly to New York.</b></p> + <img src="images/07.jpg" alt=""> </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>IDIOTIC ITEMS.</b></p> + <p>On Tuesday last one of the swans in Central Park laid a hen's +egg.</p> + <p>A celebrated English professor of heraldry is now at Long +Branch, studying the crests of the waves.</p> + <p>Dr. LIVINGSTONE is no longer a white man. The large colored +princess whom he has been compelled to marry has beaten him black and +blue.</p> + <p>Louis NAPOLEON'S first bulletin about the war was the bullet +in the pocket of NAP Junior.</p> + <p>An intelligent cordwainer of this city has invented a bathing +shoe to fit the under-toe at Long Branch.</p> + <p>The lock of the writing-desk made with his own hands by LOUIS +NAPOLEON, at Hoboken, has been presented to the Empress EUGENIE by a +gentleman residing at Union Hill, in exchange for a lock of her +Majesty's hair.</p> + <p>Yesterday, while three eminent Wall street brokers—names, +BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON—were engaged in watering stock, they fell in +and were drowned. Loss fully covered by insurance.</p> + <p>CARL FORMES is oddly reported to have lost his Bass voice +through over indulgence in lager-beer. He drank a barrel of beer a day, +and his voice has now become a barrel organ.</p> + <p>In France the <i>Marseillaise</i> has become the national +Him; while, in Prussia, BISMARCK is decidedly the national Herr.</p> + <p>A French paper has an article respecting certain musical +fishes found in the Indian Seas, They ought to be engaged for PIKE'S +Opera House.</p> + <p>The annual panther, weighing 8 ft., 9 inches, from snout to +tip of tail, and measuring 213 lbs., has just been killed in the +Adirondacks by a reporter.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>POLITICAL CLAPTRAP.</b></p> + <p>The sympathy exhibited by the <i>Sun</i> reporters and +editors for the unhappy victim of Ogre Tammany is particularly touching.</p> + <p>Association with the Wickedest Man in New York, the Honorable +JOHN ALLEN, <i>protégé</i> of the Reverend OLIVER DYER, +has evidently demoralized the pure beings who control the immaculate +sheet known as the <i>Sun</i>, whose putrescent light "shines for all."</p> + <p>These panders to the depraved taste of a depraved portion of +the community, may exult in the spectacle presented in the City of New +York on Sunday, the 7th inst., but is it not a sorrowful thing in a +so-called Christian land to see a murderer borne with triumph to his +grave, while pseudo philanthropists deck his bier with flowers, and +deliberately charge a great political party with having hunted the +wretched man to his death?</p> + <p>Was there no nobler game worth the killing by Tammany? Was +there not a "stag of Ten" to be found, to be struck, if party +necessities required it? Would OAKEY HALL and PETER B. SWEENY put such +a slight upon these bastard allies of the O'BRIENS and MORRISSEYS whose +columns are open to the highest bidder, and whose lips reek venom while +their hands are ever ready to strike a victim in the back, as to pass +them by while they were on the war-path?</p> + <p>But hold—perhaps we have a clue to this singular conduct of +the Tammany warriors. They may have foreseen how apt the sweet people +are to confer immortality upon those whose death becomes them better +than their life, and therefore wisely forebore to disturb those +blissful with murderers and felons which seem to bind the Satellites of +the <i>Sun</i> and the denizens of the Tombs together.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SUMMER ON THE CATSKILLS,</b></p> + <p>BY REGALIA REYNA.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> I.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O thou Mount Katskill! whom I now +survey</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">In roseate brightness of the +new-born day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To thee my thankfulness I would +convey,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">For self and crowd;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Who from the glare and hum of hot</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Financial lives,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Have sought repose upon thy +wondrous crest, and</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Brought our wives—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I gaze upon thy placid brow, +where storms do</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Reckless rage,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Forgetful of the storms of life, +and Mister</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">BEACH's stage.</span><br> + <br> +II.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I gaze upon thy beauteous vistas</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Far and wide;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I see the day-break beautifully +paint thy</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rugged side:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I see AURORA show the panorama</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Night did hide:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I see the lazy Hudson grad-u-</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Ally glide,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Reluctant to abandon thee, and +seek</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">The salt sea tide.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">I think almost excusingly of that +tough</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Two dollar ride;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And only for my wallet's sake, I +longer</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Would abide.</span><br> + <br> +III.<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Nature has kindly gifted thee +with meadow,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Lake and dell,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And for the Falls of Kauterskill +I know no</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Parallel:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Humanity has crowned thee with +this festive</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Gay Hotel,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Where Fame and Fashion eager wait +to hear</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Thy dinner bell:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O Mount! O view! thy beauties now +I can no</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Longer tell,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">For, after breakfast, I must +say—O Katskill!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Fare thee well!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And leave thee—in one of those +abominable stages,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">"which I wish it"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">Was in H------eaven!</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Extraordinary Ledger-demain.</b></p> + <p>The Soldiers' Monument at Cambridge is the result of the +combined efforts of CYRUS and DARIUS COBB, whereas, SYLVANUS, alone and +unassisted, is able to raise, every week, a tall column on the surface +of the <i>N.Y. Ledger.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Censor of the Press.</b></p> + <p>The unfortunate official who sought reliable information, the +other day, respecting the age and immense property possessions of +PUNCHINELLO, on comparing his notes subsequently, remarked to a friend +that he felt as if he had temporarily lost his Census.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Appropriate.</b></p> + <p>DANA, of the <i>Sun</i>, is about to open an undertaker's +establishment for the arrangement of murderer's obsequies. +Motto—"Pinking done here."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Wrong Mouth.</b></p> + <p>A LITTLE Fourth-of-Julyer in Pittsburgh, going along with his +mouth open, (after the manner of boys), caught a fire-cracker therein, +just as the cracker was going off. He had often had crackers in his +mouth, but preceding ones had proved nourishing and non-explosive; +whereas, this cracker was quite the reverse. As a consequence, the boy +has lost his voice, but (what is curious, certainly,) is otherwise all +sound.</p> + <p>Were we certain that heaving a fire-cracker into an open mouth +would always produce such a result, we should certainly hire some one +to shut up the noisier of our public nuisances—such as G.F. TRAIN, and +several members of Congress. This could be easily done, as their mouths +are always open, and usually are very large ones. We invite proposals +from boys, relating to next season's operations.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Theft Extraordinary.</b></p> + <p>A weekly journal gravely informs a correspondent that "the +line, 'A thing of beauty is a joy forever,' occurs in TUPPER's <i>Proverbial +Philosophy</i>."</p> + <p>Shades of the poets! More than fifty years ago, JOHN KEATS +commenced a poem called "Endymion," with that very line. To think that +he should have gone and borrowed it from TUPPER!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Politician's Plant.</b></p> + <p>See WEED.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + <p>THE LATEST MELODRAMATIC DODGE OF A PLAYED-OUT POLITICIAN.</p> + <p>PROMPTER DANA, OF THE "SUN," GIVES THE CUE TO A <i>REAL</i> +SKELETON.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Conversion of the "Sun."</b></p> + <p>It was said of Bishop COLENSO that he "undertook to convert a +Zulu Kaffir, but the Z. K. converted him."</p> + <p>Such a circumstance may be fallen upon without going so far as +Africa to seek for it. JOHN ALLEN, of Water Street, was, once upon a +time, the Zulu Kaffir of DANA of the <i>Sun</i> and his fascinating +Satellite, OLIVER DYER.<p> + <p>The ways of JOHN ALLEN were very wicked when +these pious missionaries threw themselves upon his trail, and tried to +convert him. Perhaps the reformatory effort was well meant; but, alas! +for the feebleness of all human arrangements—JOHN ALLEN remains the +reprobate he was, while he to his flock has brought DANA, the <i>Sun</i> +man, and DYER, the Satellite man, converts to the Allenian theory that +money made from dirt is the only healthful stimulant to virtuous toil.</p> + <p>And so it was that DANA the devout, and DYER the saintly, went +forth to convert the Zulu Kaffir of Water Street, and the Z. F. +converted them.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Ready for Another Heat.</b></p> + <p>The horses of PHOEBUS.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Royal Game.</b></p> + <p>The ex-queen of Spain fears that ALFONSO will be "euchred." +She remarked to him recently, Play you're king.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CONTEMPORARY SENTIMENTS,</b></p> + <p><b>On the Great War Question.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"WILLIAM'S +my man!" cries one enthusiast,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"He'll be in Paris, <i>sure</i>, +within ten days!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"'Paris' your Granny!" cries one +just as fast;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"'Ere that, man! you'll see +Berlin in a blaze!"</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"France has the finest soldiers +ever seen!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Says one who knows; "they never +can be beat!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">One who knows also, says, "the +French are green!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Their only real strength is in +their fleet!"</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, hang their fleet!" exclaims +another man;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"It's useless now,—it has no +work to do!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But let France use her navy all +she can,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You'll see if Prussia doesn't +put her through!"</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Prussia ain't able!" cries an +eager one:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Let her drink all the lager in +her shops,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">She'll find the little job is not +yet done,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For all there's such enormous +strength in hops!"</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"And if there's any danger comes +to France,"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Remarks the seventh man, "<i>Ireland</i> +will arise!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"And if she does, old England +will advance!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The eighth (an Englishman,) +with pride replies.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so they have it hot, for half +a day,—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">First A., then B., then C. and +D. at once,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And thus the precious moments +roll away,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And none can tell who is the +greatest dunce.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Aldermen to their Dinner.</b></p> + <p>Gorge us!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><b>THE OVATION OF MURDER.</b></p> + <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + <p><i>The Devil, (soliloquizing.)</i> "NEW YORK'S THE PLACE FOR +ME! THIS IS WHAT I CALL <i>REAL</i> ENJOYMENT—A MURDERER'S FUNERAL +PROCESSION GRANDER FAR THAN THAT OF ANY GREAT AND GOOD CITIZEN, AND +THIS IN A CITY OF SUNDAY-SCHOOLS AND CHURCHES!". <i>(The Devil's Walk: +Sunday, August 7, 1870.)</i></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN AT THE FEMALE CONVENTION.</b></p> + <p><b>The Cardiff Giant and other Fossils at Saratoga.</b></p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Duble, duble, heaps of truble,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wimmen's rites will bust the +bubble."</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">SHAKESPEAR. (WM.)</span> </div> + <p>The wolves in sheeps clothin' convenshed agin for an annual +rippin' up of things, at Saratogy.</p> + <p>The undersined, in custody of the undersined's wife, who is a +Hicockalormn of the Skeensboro Sore-eye-sisses, was present at the +singin' of the above selection from the defunct bard.</p> + <p>Male and femail wimmen was there dressed emblamatical of their +callin'.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Black folks and white</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">With red hair and gray,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mingled for a fite</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">In +Sar-a-to-ga." SHAKESPEAR +& GREEN.</span> </div> + <p>SOOZAN B. ANTHENY was scrumpshusly ragged out in broad-cloth.</p> + <p>A turkish towellin' vest-pattent lether butes and silk hat, +completed her <i>Toot in cymbals</i>.</p> + <p>ERNEST L. ROZE wore a nobby scotch cassimer soot. She carried +a cane and wore her hair parted in the middle.</p> + <p>Mrs. RUBE PHENTON—MARTHY WRITE—O'LIMPING BROWN—SARY +FILLEO—Mrs. DEXTER NOLTON—LILLY DEVERS BLAKE—SARY HALLEK—FEBEE CAREY, +and other prominent Fireside agitaters and Herthstun depopulaters, were +becominly araid, and did gustise to their tailors.</p> + <p>PHREDRICK DOUGLIS, a firey broonet from Rochester, looked +bewitchin' in a <i>more anteek</i> silk dress.</p> + <p>A camels hair overskirt hung grasefully over his loins. +Peepin' out from beneath his robes, was a delicate little foot, encased +in a flesh cullered pair of No. 11 buckskin mocasins.</p> + <p>His hair was done up in a 2 bushel waterfall, and was frizzled +all over, <i>a lar Ethiope</i>.</p> + <p>EDWIN A. STUDWELL, of Brooklyn, looked stunnin' in a granny +Dean walkin' dress and red cotton umbreller.</p> + <p>His back hair was tempestously arranged.</p> + <p>A couple of bolony sassiges, in a hily chawed up state, hung +pendent from the aft of his gorgeous waterfall, and dangled to his +heels, <i>a lar cheapee John</i>,</p> + <p>"When approached by that great captivater of susseptible +hearts (?) SOOZAN B. ANTHENY, ED blushed like a red-headed woodpecker, +and hid his modesty behind a $4.00 palm leaf fan.</p> + <p>STEVE GRISWOLD, DAN KETCHAM and a few other manikins, was +dressed accordin' to the prevailin' fashions of the feminin sects.</p> + <p>A good cleen shave would have completed their disgize, and +folks woulden't have had a suspicion but what they was what they was +actin' to be.</p> + <p>I was shocked to hear one audacious retch remark:</p> + <p>"Them chaps look like a lot of hen-peckt broken furniture."</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Come, +sisters, cheer we up his sprites</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And show the best of femail +spites,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So teach that horrid critter, man,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We'll swaller him hul, when ere +we can." 1ST WITCH.</span> </div> + <p>SOOZAN B. was elected chairman.</p> + <p>On takin' her seat she said:</p> + <p>"My femail friends by birth, and my femail friends by brevet;"</p> + <p>"We have convenshed for the purpuss of having our rites +redressed----"</p> + <p>A voice: "Haden't you better go home and redress yourselves +first?"</p> + <p>The whole convention was onto their feet in a second, while +the chairman fell into her seet and regained her composure, by takin' a +good helthy pinch of scotch snuff.</p> + <p>Quiet bein' restored, a Mrs. GAGE riz to her feet, and, +removin' a chew of tobacker from her mouth, read the follerin' +resolutions:</p> + <p>Whereas: 2 National Wimmen's Suffrage Circus are industrously +plyin' their vocation.</p> + <p>Whereas: A effort is afoot to jine 'em together under the same +tent.</p> + <p>Now be it resolved: We don't perceeve it in them sunbeams. The +New York State Suffrage Circus is able to paddle her own stone bote. +Bosting to the contrary not-with-out-standin'-up.</p> + <p>Resolved finally: We is the original JACOBS, and if Bosting +don't like the cut of our Jib, let her lump it.</p> + <p>(Grate applaws.)</p> + <p>A strange lookin' woman, who wore a swaller tail cote, red the +follerin resolutions:</p> + <p>Whereas: Woman has a spear, it hain't to cook vittles—darn +stockin's—tend baby and try to make her husbin happy.</p> + <p>Whereas: Man is a brute—woman an angle. Man can vote—woman +can't.</p> + <p>Resolved: That as long as man won't give us the ballit, that +after Jan., 1871, every mail brat that comes squawkin' into the world, +be smothered the minnit he is borned.</p> + <p>Resolved: That when the mail rase is extinguished, the +superior critter, woman, take peaceable possession of the ballit box.</p> + <p>These resolutions was vociferously cheered, Mrs. GREEN +becomin' so exsited that she whacked me over the head with her parasol +in a most ongentlemanly manner.</p> + <p>(N.B.—I would heer state that I'me a Resistanter agin femail +suffrage.</p> + <p>Give woman the 16th Commendment and we can cry "peece" ontil +our wind-pipes are collored, but not a darned bit of peece will we git, +except occashunly a peece is nockt off of our snoot, for refusin' to +get up early Monday mornin's to do the washin'.)</p> + <p>At the above juncture of the proceedin's, the Cardiff Jiant, +who is spendin' the summer at this selebrated waterin' place, entered +the room.</p> + <p>The old feller had heard of this grate Fossil Convenshun.</p> + <p>As the distinguished fraud entered the room, cheers filled the +air.</p> + <p>Members in exstasy jumped up onto the benches—stood on their +heads—threw their false teeth all about the floor, and acted like a lot +of Rocky Mountain injuns, chock full of New England rum.</p> + <p>Silents was restored by tossin' a live man to the exsited +Amazons, whom they tore to peeces, partly satisfyin' their cravin' +appetites.</p> + <p>Old GIPSUM then <i>oratoricised</i> as viz.:</p> + <p>"Feller Fossils: This is indeed the most momentous event I've +attended since I left Onondagar.</p> + <p>"When COTTON MATHER came over in the Grate Eastern, he sent +out a dove to see if the Pilgrims, would allow her to pick any flowers +off of Plymouth Rock.</p> + <p>"What was the result of that experiment?</p> + <p>"Why, the dove coulden't find any rest for the soul of her +shoo; for Plymouth Rocks were thicker than Cardiff Jiants. That base +man, BARNUM, had taken plaster casts of the old rock, and there wasen't +a town along the coast, but what had its 'original Plymouth Rock.'</p> + <p>"The dove, not bein' a good judge of genuine stuns, made her +"Shoo fly" back to the old ark, and told her tail. Therefore, I ask as +a personal favor, seein' that BARNUM sarved me same's he did old +Plymouth Rock, that when this august assemblage of Fossilized human +bein's comes down onto the mail portion of the U. States, old P.T. be +turned over to us. I'le make him think he's got straddle his wooly +hoss, and an army of mermades was after him with red hot pitchforks.</p> + <p>"Grant me this favor, and when the fite of the Amazons begins, +you can count on me to hold your bonnets."</p> + <p>Amid tremenjus applaus old Fort Dodger squatted.</p> + <p>Letters were then read from the Cohoes Mastodon—ARTEMAS WARD'S +wax figgers—the wooly hoss—a miselaneous lot of Egipshun Mummies, and +THEODOR TILTIN—regrettin' their inability to attend the Fossil +Convention.</p> + <p>HORRIS GREELY was then anathemized, BEN BUTLER—Senator +WILSON—and GEO. FRANCIS TRAIN Ulogized.</p> + <p>Resolutions were offered that Congressman MORRISEY be +pulverized, by some talented femail startin' a opposition club house, +employin' none but Tigers of the gentle sects.</p> + <p>After a few more summer complaint speeches agin that Horrible! +Bloodthirsty! 2 legged Monkster, MAN!! the annual Hen convention of +Antideluvian Fossils tide up their bonnet strings—took their husbans +under their off arm—walked down to Congress Spring.</p> + <p>The witches who dipp up the mineral fluid danced about the +cauldron, while the President of the company spyin' the Femails +approachin' remarked:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"By +the prickin' of my thumb</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Somethin' wicked this way comes."</span> + </div> + <p>The above, Friend PUNCHINELLO, was as seen by,</p> + <p>Ewers faithfully,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece</i>.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Birds of Passage</b>.</p> + <p>The African ostrich is sometimes trained to carry passengers +on his back, but the player of "our national game" is often seen "going +out on a Foul."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A VERY NECESSARY PRECAUTION</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BLOCKS AND BLOCKHEADS.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello: As the acknowledged redresser of American +wrongs and the enemy of public nuisances, we beg your attention to a +vice which seems to be upon the increase, and which grows in strength +with what it feeds upon. As the vice in question appears to be upon the +increase, and to fascinate its victims by the allurements of the +excitement, we consider it worthy of PUNCHINELLO'S lance, or, in other +words, of being transfixed upon PUNCHINELLO'S quill.</p> + <p>We refer to the loafing which invariably takes place upon the +occasion of the relaying of the wooden pavement. I say wooden more +particularly, inasmuch as new fangled varieties of pavement, such as +Concrete, Nicholson, etc., although they have their day, cannot be said +to compete for a moment in public regard with the good old fashioned +kind first described.</p> + <p>Of all the causes that arrest public attention, surely this +laying of wooden pavement is the most enduring and effectual.</p> + <p>People of every grade and degree make a dead halt as they +approach this centre of interest, and at once settle down for a +prolonged inspection of the works before them. It is true that +everybody has seen the same thing one hundred and fifty times, but this +description of indulgence appears to grow by what it feeds upon, and +the fascinated victim watches the operation of the workers with a +gratification which knows no abatement. The usual formula gone through +upon these occasions is as follows:</p> + <p>Citizen approaches the scene of interest, and sees crowds of +spectators upon each side; he glances at the workmen, and, after taking +stock of both them and the overseer, proceeds to read the opinion of +his fellows in their faces, after which he settles down in right +earnest with his hands in his pockets for a prolonged stare. This +latter may continue for periods varying from ten minutes to an hour and +three quarters, according to inclination or opportunity.</p> + <p>If the spectator is a man of business, it is just possible +that he may content himself with measuring the size of the blocks with +his eye, and then pass on, content to know that he, as one out of many +taxpayers, is getting the value of what they are called on to pay for. +But with the mass of the onlookers, the pouring of the hot pitch into +the gravelled interstices is watched with a satisfaction ever new, like +that bestowed in the pantomime upon the application by the clown of the +red-hot poker.</p> + <p>There is also the pleasure of seeing others at hard work, and +the indulgence of everybody's belief (which is common to all present,) +that he or she could suggest an improvement upon the work proceeding, +and the manner of doing it. Then they look at each other once more and +depart contented.</p> + <p>Upon a moderate calculation, the amount of time devoted by +human beings to this amusing study, in the City of New York, amounts to +2,450,000 hours per annum.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ENGLAND'S QUANDARY.</b></p> + <p>Conjecture and expectancy, O PUNCHINELLO! have been the order +of the day in this European turmoil, with regard to the position of +what are called neutral Powers. People have been looking at England +with much curiosity to see what she really does intend. With the +facilities which our <i>special wire</i> affords, I am enabled to +report a highly interesting soliloquy delivered by the Rt. Hon. W. E. +GLADSTONE, to his bed-post, at his home in Spring Gardens, London, +after a hot night's debate at St. STEPHEN'S. Our reporter concealed +himself in the key-hole and took <i>verbatim</i> notes. As in the case +of the speeches delivered by the rival monarchs to their armies, which +you published a week in advance of the speeches themselves, the +following can be relied on:</p> + <p>"I'm tired of answering questions. Let me think awhile. Is war +the only alternative? They blame me for not talking out. Fools, they +don't know where they stand. At home and abroad, difficulty. Our +workmen emigrating; the Irish irreconcilable, (curse that word!) +nothing cheerful that side.</p> + <p>"France can rock <i>her</i> irreconcilables to sleep to the +war lullaby of that man we have so trusted only to betray us; <i>our</i> +irreconcilables only wait for war to side with our enemy. Prussia, +grasping bull-dog as she is, makes capital out of it, and calls us to +her side, while our stupid people burn with a Prussian fever, which may +turn to a plague to-morrow.</p> + <p>"Is the Prussian whom we have helped to humble to be our only +ally? Then must we write ourselves down asses in Constantinople.</p> + <p>"If we had some other head besides weather-cock expediency. +France has an Emperor, Prussia a King to lead them; we have a Queen who +takes walks in the Isle of Wight; and her son—bah! a <i>roué</i> +about town. Their marriage alliances are drag-chains, not bonds of +love. Denmark does not forget our treachery in '65. Holland is afraid +of France. We are safe from America yet. They are too much afraid of +the German vote, thank Heaven, to side with France, but "Alabama" is +her watchword, and she only waits to strangle us. LAFAYETTE and the +Hessians are only memories, they have no votes. Ah! it was a mistake to +sympathize with the South.</p> + <p>"Our statesmen—Heaven save the mark!—are our worst enemies. +D'ISRAELI, the Jew, doubles our difficulty by showing our weakness. He +would play the part of PITT without his brains or his chances. Then we +led, now we are dragged at the tail. We may sign treaties, but we +cannot write them. BRIGHT would be friendly with both; GRANVILLE with +neither, and thus each is offended. It is ridiculous, and the only +course left is to bluster about Belgium.</p> + <p>"It must be the late dinner. There are all sorts of +threatening shadows around, and but one light; that is a war flame. Let +me sleep. To-morrow the gaping thousands will ask a sign. It may come, +but it shall be hoisted on the Rhine, and, helpless tide waiters, we +cannot tell from which side it shall come. Ah! 'Uneasy sits the man on +the ministerial bench,' as SHAKESPEARE would say to-day, for the crown +that he spoke of is an ornament in the tower."</p> + <p>REPORTER</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Magnetic</b></p> + <p>Polish soldiers should choose the needle gun. The needle is +always true to the Pole.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/13.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>A CAPITAL HINT FOR OUR STATIONARY STREET MUSICIANS, IF THEY +WANT TO MAKE MONEY.</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p>THE LEAVEN OF LEAVENWORTH. The great West has long been famous +for the loose, untrammelled freedom with which its inhabitants treat +everything and everybody. Breadth, no less than length, is a striking +feature of Western settlements, and that this element is conspicuous in +the journalism of those singular abodes, no less than in the social +life of their inhabitants, generally, is evidenced in the following +advertisement cut from "<i>The Times</i>"—a paper published at +Leavenworth, Kansas:</p> + <p>"NOTICE TO DRIVERS OF FAST STOCK.—Hold your horses and do not +drive so fast. All gay and festive cusses caught driving faster than +ordinary gait in the city, will be brought before Judge Vaughan, for +instance--the fine is $20.</p> + <p>H. A. ROBERTSON, City Marshal."</p> + <p>The City Marshal of Leavenworth is clearly a pot-companion of +the first (whiskey and) water. He declines to address his +fellow-citizens in the commonplace terms usually recognised in more +prosaic communities. To adopt his own style of phraseology, ROBERTSON +is clearly a "gay and festive cuss." He is a specimen brick from +Kansas, and doubtless always carries one in his hat. The expression +"ordinary gait," as applied to driving in Kansas, where everybody owns +"fast stock," is rather equivocal in these quieter latitudes to be +sure, but we may guess that, at Leavenworth, a man who rides or drives +at a pace of twenty miles an hour, is liable, "for instance," to a fine +of $20, or just one dollar per mile. Kansas maybe a very nice place to +live in, for some people, but we would hardly recommend Mr. ROBERT +BONNER to emigrate thither, and so risk the probability of being +advertised as a "gay and festive cuss."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>SHIP AHOY!</b></p> + <p>Of all public performers, there are none who "draw" better +than the gymnasts who risk their necks by attempting hazardous feats. +The fool who attaches himself by the heels to the car of an ascending +balloon is sure to have thousands of feeble-minded females waving +handkerchiefs at him. BLONDIN, the great French tomfool, brought more +people to Niagara Falls to see him, possibly, add a new Fall to the +prospect, than ever the Falls themselves did. And when another donkey +announces that he is going to stand upon his head on the point of a +church spire, that church is sure to be thronged—outside. These +performances, and all of their sort, should be made punishable, and +will probably be so when a hundred or two performers shall have been +killed, in addition to those who have already suffered.</p> + <p>Not nearly so exciting as performances of the kind referred +to, though, perhaps, quite as rash, are the ocean voyages occasionally +essayed by tiny, toy ships. One of these—the <i>Red, White and Blue</i>—is +announced as about to start upon a "voyage round the world." We wish +her our best wishes, and hope she may get round in the roundest way and +time. One of her first stopping places, though, as we see, is Martha's +Vineyard. Our advice to the skipper of the toy ship, is to go no +further than that delightful haven of rest. MARTHA. will cherish her as +a chimney ornament, or give her to her kids to play with—and nobody +will be hurt.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Two Renderings.</b></p> + <p><i>Finis coronat opus:</i>—The end crowns the work.</p> + <p><i>Finis coroner opus:</i>—There is plenty of work for the +Coroner, but the "end" does not always appear to be gained.</p> + <p>All of which is respectfully submitted to the investigators of +murder in this city.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Modern Monks of La Trappe.</b></p> + <p>The Coroner, the Assistant District-Attorney, and certain +other officials who have been trying the "trap" game on the witnesses +examined in the NATHAN murder case.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Results of Silver Stock.</b></p> + <p>1. The dream is ore.</p> + <p>2. Never mined.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/13a.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE."> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Englishman, London.</i>—You have lost your wager. Ohio is +not the capital of Indiana.</p> + <p><i>Stranger, New York City.</i>—When you get lost in our +streets and do not know where you are, it is a good plan to seek +information from a policeman. If he does not know where you are, come +directly to the office of PUNCHINELLO.</p> + <p><i>Antiquary.</i>—"The Last of the Barons" was a term applied +to an implement used by the ancient shoemakers. The pedal members of +the old English barons were of a peculiar aristocratic conformation, +and lasts were made expressly for them. This is a curious fact not +generally known.</p> + <p><i>Ploughboy</i> finds the following remark in Mr. GREELEY'S +thirtieth What, and asks explanation.</p> + <p>"So with regard to Carrots. I have never achieved success in +growing these nor Beets."</p> + <p>We infer that the meaning is, With regard to carrots, sow +them. "These nor Beets" are probably a new variety. They may have come +from Norfolk, but more "presumably" they were found in Alaska.</p> + <p><i>Metaphysician, Cloudland.</i>—Your article on the +"Psychical Basis of Objective Existence" is excellent. Look out for it +in the "Juvenile Department" of our Christmas number.</p> + <p><i>Grammarian.</i>—The expression "We ain't got none" is +manifestly incorrect. It has two negatives. "We ain't got any" is by +far more elegant.</p> + <p><i>Wager</i> says that A. made a bet with B. that he could cut +a dime in two at one stroke of his pen-knife, C. to hold the stakes. A. +took a ten-cent "scrip" and chopped it in two with his blade. Meantime +C. walked away with the stake money. Who won? <i>Answer.</i>—The bet +is off. C. is also off, but no better, and neither A. or B. is any +better off.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/14.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>NOTES ON THE FERRY.</b></p> + <p><i>Gushington, (with the pipe.)</i> "SHE SMILED ON ONE OF US, +I'LL SWEAR."</p> + <p><i>Spindle</i>. "PERHAPS; BUT WHAT'S A SMILE? A POSITIVE NOD +FOR ME, OR NOTHING!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>AERATED VERBIAGE.</b></p> + <p>An Every-day Romance.</p> + <p>CHAPTER I.</p> + <p>In a room in a palatial tenement house in Avenue D, stood +GILBERT FERNANDE FROU FROU SNOGGS. G.F.F.F.S. was rampant.</p> + <p>"Why?" you say.</p> + <p>Gentle reader, hurry me not. Let the tale wag on. She was +talking to her mamma.</p> + <p>"Now," said G.F.F.F.S., "I prognosticated that my maternal +relative would become oblivions of my reiterated solicitations to +perambulate the Avenue, and make the acquisition of four yards of +cerulean hued ribbon," and she stamped her tiny number eights on the +floor.</p> + <p>You will notice that, even in her anger, she did not forget +her English.</p> + <p>"You can purchase it on the morrow," replied her mamma.</p> + <p>"I will not remain acquiescent. I will promenade upon my +profluence to Sixth Avenue, and purchase the ceruleous ribbon +immediately," said G.F.F.F.S., putting on her waterproof and sun-bonnet.</p> + <p>Her mother pointed to the paternal turnip, which hung over the +mantel, and showed her that old Time was "doing stunts" at 10-1/2.</p> + <p>But G.F.F.F.S. was obstinate. She put on her chignon, her +curls, her breast elevator, her bustle, her high-heeled shoes, a little +rouge, a little whiting and a bit of court-plaster, and sallied forth, +down the dumb-waiter to the cellar, and thence, through the ash-hole, +to the street.</p> + <p>CHAPTER II.</p> + <p>The deed was done!!! The purchase was made find G.F.F.F.S. +walked towards her palatial paternal mansion. She felt slightly timid, +for, as she looked at the heavens, she saw that ARCTURUS, who had been +playing tag with CASTOR and POLLUX all the evening, had reached hunk, +the Great Bear. From the astronomical knowledge which she had acquired +at the Vavasour Female Academy, she knew that the paternal turnip now +pointed to the witching hour of 11-1/2.</p> + <p>Suddenly she found herself surrounded by a party of bandits, +(she thought she was in Greece, but she was only in the 19th Ward.)</p> + <p>They seized her.</p> + <p>"Not a word," said the leader. "Your money or your life."</p> + <p>Now G.F.F.F.S. had lots of life and very little money, so she +could hardly determine whether to give up some of her life or all of +her money.</p> + <p>"Illustrious banditti," said she, "the auriferous contents of +my reticulated depository are notable for minuteness. Be conservators +of my pullulating existence."</p> + <p>"I say, TOM," said the leader, "what's her little game?"</p> + <p>"It sounds like Irish," said TOM.</p> + <p>"Hand over your stamps," said the leader.</p> + <p>G.F.F.F.S. slowly drew out her net purse, when suddenly the +robbers fled. G.F.F.F.S. felt that her hero had come, and, like all the +ARAMINTAS in the novels, she fainted and was caught in the arms of—</p> + <p>CHAPTER III.</p> + <p>The author tried to persuade the editor to allow him to write +"to be continued" after the last thrilling chapter, but the editor was +inexorable, hence this chapter, "in the arms of"—a little red-headed +policeman.</p> + <p>G.F.F.F.S. smiled gently, but, as soon as she had opened her +eyes, and had cast them on the red head, freckled face, pug-nose, and +little eyes of MIKE MCFLYNN, she sprang to her feet. It was better than +forty gallons of hartshorn. She had wasted a faint.</p> + <p>"<i>Perdidi animi deliquium</i>," said she.</p> + <p>"Mother of MOSES, but you was heavy!" said MCFLYNN.</p> + <p>But she did not wait, and a pair of number eight shoes might +have been seen by an inquisitive reporter, cutting around the corners +and stamping up seven flights of stairs.</p> + <p>MORAL.</p> + <p>When the paternal turnip solemnly points to 10-1/2, G.F.F.F.S. +puts her number eights on the mantel, looks reflectively at a sore-eyed +kitten, and falls into polysyllables.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HOMODEIFICATION.</b></p> + <p>Late advices from China convey the intelligence that the +American-Chinese General WARD, who died in the service of the Celestial +empire, has been postmortuarily brevetted to the rank of a "major god," +and is now regularly worshipped as such by JOHN PIGTAIL.</p> + <p>Possibly the antithesis to this may turn up on the cards, +here. In the course of events the bronze idol to which our PHILLIPSES +and SUMNERS used to bend the knee, has been prostrated from his +pedestal by the Fifteenth Amendment. Coolie labor, with its possible +abuses, may engage the attention of the philanthropists, next, and we +may yet behold JOHN PIGTAIL on a pedestal, in the character of an +American "major god."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"LUCUS A NON," ETC.</b></p> + <p>In the culinary department of a newspaper we find a recipe for +making "bird's nest pudding," which would surely make the pigtail of a +JOHN Chinaman stick straight up on end. The component parts of the +pudding are apples, sugar, milk, five eggs, and vanilla. Perhaps the +inventor of the pudding once found a bird's nest with five eggs in it, +and has thus essayed to immortalize the interesting fact.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bullet Proof.</b></p> + <p>The fact of the young Prince Imperial having picked up a +bullet on the field of Saarbruck is significant It proves that, like a +true BONAPARTE, he is prompt to take the Lead.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HOUSEKEEPING GOODS.</p> + <p><small>A Special Lot of<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">IRISH DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS</span><br> +n 8-4 and 8-4-4, 10-4<br> +from $2 and $2.50 and upwards</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">5-8 DAMASK NAPKINS</span>,<br> +$1 per doz. upward.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">TABLE DAMASK,</span><br> +40c. per yard and upward.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">HUCKABUCK TOWELS,</span><br> +$1.50 per doz. and upward.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">PILLOW LINEN,</span><br> +40-inch wide. 30c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">LINEN SHEETINGS</span>,<br> +2 yards wide. 60c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">LINEN SHEETINGS,</span><br> +2-1/4 yard wide, 70c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">LINEN SHEETINGS,</span><br> +2-1/2 yards wide, 90c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">LINEN SHEETINGS,</span><br> +2-3/4 yards wide, $1 per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>A Job Lot of<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">READY-MADE, LINEN SHEETS,</span><br> +from $2.50 per pair and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Fine yard-wide <span style="font-weight: bold;">IRISH +LINEN,</span><br> +suitable for Ladies' wear, 35c.</small></p> + <p><small>Extra Heavy <span style="font-weight: bold;">IRISH +LINEN</span><br> +for Gentlemen's wear, 40c.</small></p> + <p><small>Further Reductions In<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">SUMMER QUILTS</span> and <span + style="font-weight: bold;">BLANKETS.</span></small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">ALL WOOL WHITE +FLANNELS,</span><br> +25c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>A new all wool<br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">GRAY FLANNEL for LADIES' +OVERSKIRTS,</span> 40c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small><span style="font-weight: bold;">TWEEDS</span> for +Bathing Suits, 30c. per yard.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A.T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Call special attention to their large and well selected +stock of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Domestic Cotton Goods,</big></p> + <p><small>Consisting of</small></p> + <p>BLEACHED AND BROWN</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Shirtings and Sheetings</big></p> + <p><small>IN ALL THE CHOICE BRANDS;</small></p> + <p><small>ALSO</small></p> + <p><big><big><b>Tickings, Denims,</b></big></big></p> + <p><small>ETC., ETC., AT</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>EXTREMELY LOW PRICES</small>.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>A.T. STEWART & CO.</big></p> + <p><small>ARE OFFERING</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">IRISH AND FRENCH POPLINS</p> + <p><small>At very Low Prices.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MERINO AND EMPRESS CLOTHS</p> + <p><small>IN CHOICE</small></p> + <p>FALL AND WINTER COLORS,</p> + <p><small>75c. and upward.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>ALL WOOL SERGES</big></big></p> + <p><small>75c. and $1 per yard, worth $1.50 and $1.75</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>TARTAN PLAIDS,</big></p> + <p><small>IN GREAT VARIETY,</small></p> + <p><small>From 35c. and upward.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>WINSEYS,</big></p> + <p><small>From 35 to 40 cents per yard.</small></p> + <p><big>ROUBAIX POPLINS,</big></p> + <p><small>From 25 to 40 cents per yard.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.</b></p> + <p><i>Regular Customer.</i> "ALONZO, BRING ME SOME BEANS AND +TOMAYTESES."</p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> "YES'M. "WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR ON +TWO PLATESES?"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August +27, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + +***** This file should be named 10019-h.htm or 10019-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10019/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August 27, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 8, 2003 [EBook #10019] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades, as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol. 1. No. 22. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 1870. + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + +[Sidenote: See 15th Page for Extra Premiums.] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $47,000 REWARD. | + | | + | PROCLAMATION. | + | | + | The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan. | + | | + | The widow having determined to increase the rewards | + | heretofore offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), | + | and no result having yet been obtained, and suggestions | + | having been made that the rewards were not sufficiently | + | distributive or specific, the offers in the previous | + | proclamation are hereby superseded by the following: | + | | + | A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and | + | conviction of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was | + | killed in his house, No. 12 West Twenty-third Street, New | + | York, on the morning of Friday, July 29. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt | + | Studs which were taken from the clothing of the deceased on | + | the night of the murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, | + | together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and 1/16 carats, and the other, a | + | flat stone, showing nearly a surface of one carat, weighed | + | 3/4 and 1/32. All three were mounted in skeleton settings, | + | with spiral screws, but the color of the gold, setting of | + | the flat diamond was not so dark as the other two. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and | + | recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor | + | Hunting-case Stem-winding Watch, No. 6657, 19 lines, or | + | about two inches in diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for | + | the Chain and Seals thereto attached. The Chain is very | + | massive, with square links, and carries a Pendant Chain with | + | two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," cut | + | thereon. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification and recovery of an old-fashioned | + | open-faced Gold Watch, with gold dial, showing rays | + | diverging from the center, and with raised figures; believed | + | to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at the same | + | time as the above articles. | + | | + | A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold | + | Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears | + | an inscription of presentation not precisely known, but | + | believed to be either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital," or, "To Benjamin Nathan, President of the | + | Jews' Hospital." | + | | + | A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete | + | detailed information descriptive of this medal, which may be | + | useful in securing its recovery. | + | | + | A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to | + | the identification of the instrument used in committing the | + | murder, which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece | + | of wrought iron about sixteen inches long, turned up for | + | about an inch at each end, and sharp; such as is used by | + | ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, ladder-makers, | + | pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their | + | flasks. | + | | + | A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the | + | morning of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick | + | up a piece of paper lying there, and then walk away with it, | + | if he will come forward and produce it. | + | | + | Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the | + | Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New | + | York; or to James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer. | + | | + | A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR. | + | | + | The foregoing rewards are offered by | + | the request of, | + | and are guaranteed by me. | + | | + | Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN, | + | Widow of B. NATHAN. | + | | + | The following reward has also been offered by the New York | + | Stock Exchange: | + | | + | $10,000--The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten | + | Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the | + | murderer or murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of | + | said Exchange, who was killed on the night of July 28, 1870, | + | at his house in Twenty-third street, New York City. | + | | + | J.L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman, Gov. Com. | + | D.C. HAYS, Treasurer. | + | B.O. WHITE, Secretary. | + | MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for July, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents_. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and | + | Saleable Work. | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS. | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application. | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + | [P.O. BOX 2845.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS. | + | | + | THE BEST AND CHEAPEST. | + | | + | 256 BROADWAY. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY. | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, | + | Hudson, and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge | + | cars in connection with the day boats will leave on arrival | + | at Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare | + | $4.25 from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866. | + | | + | Jas R. Nichols, M.D., Wm. J. Rolfe, A.M., Editors | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | | + | HOME LIFE, | + | | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)_ $4.00. | + | | + | SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY. | + | | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XV. + +"SPOTTED." + +When the bell of St. Cow's began ringing for Ritualistic +morning-service, with a sound as of some incontinently rambling dun +spinster of the lacteal herd--now near at hand in cracked dissonance, as +the wind blows hither; now afar, in tinkling distance, as the wind blows +hence--MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON was several miles away from Bumsteadville +upon his walking-match, with head already bumped like a pineapple, and +face curiously swelled, from amateur practice with the Indian Club. +Being by that time cold enough for breakfast, and willing to try the +virtues of some soothing application to his right eye, which, from a +bruise just below it, was nearly closed, the badly banged young man +suspended his murderous calisthenics at the door of a rustic hotel, and +there entered to secure a wayside meal. + +The American country "hotel," or half-way house, is, perhaps, one of the +most depressing fictions ever encountered by stage-passenger, or +pedestrian afield: and depends so exclusively upon the imagination for +any earthly distinction from the retired and neglected private hiding-place +of some decayed and morbid agricultural family, that only the +conventional swing sign-board before the door saves the cognizant mind +from a painfully dense confusion. Smelling about equally of eternal +wash-day, casual cow-shed, and passing feather-bed, it sustains a lank, +middle-aged, gristly man to come out at the same hour every day and +grunt unintelligibly at the stage-driver, an expressionless boy in a +bandless straw-hat and no shoes to stare blankly from the doorway at +the same old pole-horse he has mechanically thus inspected from infancy, +and one speckled hen of mature years to poise observingly on single leg +at the head of the shapeless black dog asleep at the sunny end of the +low wooden stoop. It is the one rural spot on earth where a call for +fresh eggs evokes remonstrative and chronic denial; where chickens for +dinner are sternly discredited as mere freaks of legendary romance, and +an order for a glass of new milk is incredulously answered by a +tumblerful of water which tastes of whitewash-brush. Whosoever sleeps +there of a night shall be crowded by walls which rub off into a faint +feather-bed of the flavor and consistency of geese used whole, and have +for his feverish breakfast in the morning a version of broiled ham as +racy of attic-salt as the rasher of BACON'S essays. And to him who pays +his bill there, ere he straggles weakly forth to repair his shattered +health by frenzied flight, shall be given in change such hoary ten-cent +shreds of former postal currency as he has not hitherto deemed credible, +sticking together in inextricable conglomeration by such fragments of +fish-scales as he never before believed could be gathered by handled +small-money from palms not sufficiently washed after piscatorial +diversion. + +It was in at a country hotel, then, that the young Southern pedestrian +turned for temporary rest and a meal, and pitiless was the +cross-examination instituted by the inevitable lank, middle-aged gristly +man, before he could reconcile it with his duty as a cautious public +character to reveal the treasures of the larder. Those bumps on the +head, that swollen eye, and nose, came--did they?--from swinging this +here club for exercise. Well, he wanted to know, now! People generally +used two of the clubs at once--did they?--but one was enough for a +beginner. Well, he _wanted_ to know, now! Could he supply a couple of +poached eggs and a cup of milk? No, young man; but a slice of corned +pork and a bowl of tea were within the resources of the establishment. + +When at length upon the road again, the bruised youth resolved to follow +a cattle-track "across lots," for the greater space in which to exercise +with his Indian club as he walked. Like any other novice in the +practice, he could not divest his mind of the impression, that the +frightful thumps he continually received, in twirling the merciless +thing around and behind his devoted head, were due to some kind of +crowding influence from the boundaries on either side the way, and it +was to gain relief from such damaging contraction of area that he left +the highway for the wider wintry fields. Going onward in these latter at +an irregular pace; sometimes momentarily stunned into a rangy stagger by +a sounding blow on the cerebrum or the cerebellum; and, again, irritated +almost to a run by contusion of shoulder-blade or funny-bone; he finally +became aware that two men were following him through the lots, and that +with a closeness of attention indicating more than common interest. To +the perception of his keenly sensitive Southern nature they at once +became ribald Yankee vandals, hoping for unseemly amusement from the +detection of some awkwardness in the Indian-club-play of a defeated but +not conquered Southern Gentleman; and, in the haughty sectional pride of +his contemptuous soul, he indignantly determined to show not the least +consciousness of their disrespectful observation. Twirling the club +around and around his battered head with increasing velocity, he smiled +scornfully to himself, nor deigned a single backward glance at the one +of his two followers who approached more rapidly than the other. He +heard the hindermost say to the foremost, "Leave him alone, I tell you, +and he'll knock himself down in a minute," and, in a passionately +reckless effort of sheer bravado to catch the club from one hand with +the other while it yet circled swiftly over his skull, he accidentally +brought the ungovernable weapon into tremendous contact with the top of +his head, and dashed himself violently to the earth. + +"Didn't I tell you he'd do it?" cried the hindermost of the two +strangers, coming up; while the other coolly seated himself upon the +prostrated victim. "These here Indian clubs always throw a man if he +ain't got muscle in his arms; and this here little Chivalry has got arms +like a couple of canes." + +"Arise from me instantly, fellow. You're sitting upon my breast-pin," +exclaimed MONTGOMERY to the person sitting upon him. + +They suffered him to regain his feet, which he did with extreme hauteur, +and surveyed his bumped head and swollen countenance with undisguised +wonder. + +"How dare you treat a Southerner in this way?" continued the young man, +his head aching inexpressibly. "I thought the war was over long ago. If +money is your object, seek out a citizen of some other section than +mine; for the South is out of funds just now, owing to the military +outrages of Northern scorpions." + +"We're constables, Mr. PENDRAGON," was the reply, "and it is our duty to +take you back to the main road, where a couple of your friends are +waiting for you." + +Staring from one to the other in speechless wonder at what this fresh +outrage upon the down-trodden South could mean, MONTGOMERY allowed them +to replace his Indian club in his hand, and conduct him back to the +public road; where, to his increased bewilderment, he found Gospeler +SIMPSON and the Ritualistic organist. + +"What is the matter, gentlemen?" he asked, in great agitation: "must I +take the oath of Loyalty; or am I required by Yankee philanthropy to +marry a negress?" + +At the sound of his voice, Mr. BUMSTEAD left the shoulder of Mr. +SIMPSON, upon which he had been leaning with great weight, and, coming +forward in three long skips, deliberately wound his right hand in the +speaker's neck-tie. + +"Where are those nephews--where's that umbrella?" demanded the organist, +with considerable ferocity. + +"Nephews!--umbrella!" gasped the other. + +"The EDWINS--bone handle," explained Mr. BUMSTEAD, lurching towards his +captive. + +"Mr. MONTGOMERY," interposed the Gospeler, sadly, Mr. DROOD went out +with you last night, late, from his estimable uncle's lodgings, and has +not been seen since. Where is he?" + +"He went back into the house again, sir, after I had walked him up and +down the road a few times." + +"Well, then, where's that umbrella?" roared the organist, who seemed +quite beside himself with grief and excitement. + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD, pray be more calm," implored the Reverend OCTAVIUS. + +"Mr. MONTGOMERY, this agitated gentleman's nephew has been mysteriously +missing ever since he went out with you at midnight: also an alpaca +umbrella." + +"Upon my honor, I know nothing of either," ejaculated the unhappy +Southerner. + +Mr. BUMSTEAD, still holding him by the neck-tie, cast a fiery and +unsettled glance around at nothing in particular; then ground his teeth +audibly, and scowled. + +"My boy's missing!" he said, hissingly.--"Y'understand?--he's +missing.--I must insist upon searching the prisoner." + +In the presence of Gospeler and constables, and loftily regardless alike +of their startled wonder and the young man's protests, the maddened +uncle of the lost DROOD deliberately examined all the captive's pockets +in succession. In one of them was a penknife, which, after thoughtfully +trying it upon his pink nails, he abstractedly placed in his own pocket. +Searching next the overwhelmed Southerner's travelling-satchel, he found +in it an apple, which he first eyed with marked suspicion, and then bit +largely into, as though half expecting to find in it some traces of his +nephew. + +"I'll keep this suspicious fruit," he remarked, with a hollow laugh; +and, bearing unreservedly upon the nearer arm of the hapless MONTGOMERY, +and eating audibly as he surged onward, he started on the return march +for Bumsteadville. + +Not a word more was spoken until, after a cool Christmas stroll of about +eight and a quarter miles, the whole party stood before Judge SWEENEY in +the house of the latter. There, when the story had been sorrowfully +repeated by the Gospeler, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited the core of the apple, +and tickled the magistrate almost into hysterics by whispering very +closely in his ear, that it was a core curiously similar to that of the +last apple eaten by his nephew; and, having been found in an apple from +the prisoner's satchel, might be useful in evidence. Judge SWEENEY +wished to know if Mr. PENDRAGON had any political relations, or could +influence any votes? and, upon being answered in the negative, eyed the +young man sternly, and said that appearances were decidedly against him. +He could not exactly commit him to jail without accusation, although the +apple-core and his political unimportance subjected him to grave +suspicion: but he should hold the Gospeler responsible for the youth's +appearance at any time when his presence should be required. Mr. +BUMSTEAD, whose eyes were becoming very glassy, then suggested that a +handbill should be at once printed and circulated, to the effect that +there had been Lost, or Stolen, two Black Alpaca Nephews, about 5 feet 8 +inches high, with a bone handle, light eyes and hair, and whalebone +ribs; and that if the said EDWIN would return, with a brass ferule +slightly worn, the finder should receive earnest thanks, and be seen +safely to his home by J. BUMSTEAD. Mr. Gospeler SIMPSON and Judge +SWEENEY agreed that a handbill should be issued: but thought it might +confuse the public mind if the missing nephew and the lost umbrella were +not kept separate. + +"Has either 'f you gen'l'men ever been 'n Uncle?" asked the Ritualistic +organist, with dark intensity. + +They shook their heads. + +"_Then,_" said Mr. BUMSTEAD, with great force,--"THEN, gen'l'men, +you-knownor-wahritis-to-lose-'n-umbrella!" + +Before they could decide in their weaker minds what the immediate +connection was, he had left them, at a sharp slant, in great +intellectual disturbance, and was passing out through the entry-way with +both his hands against the wall. + +Early next morning, while young Mr. PENDRAGON was locked in his room, +startled and wretched, the inconsolable uncle of EDWIN DROOD was +energetically ransacking every part of Bumsteadville for the missing +man. House after house he visited, like some unholy inspector: peering +up chimneys, prodding under carpets, and staying a long time in cellars +where there was cider. Not a bit of paper or cloth blew along the +turnpike but he eagerly picked it up, searched in it with the most +anxious care, and finally placed it in his hat. Going to the Pond, with +a borrowed hatchet, he cut a bole in the thick ice, lost the hatchet, +and, after bathing his head in the water, declared that his alpaca +nephew was not there. Finding an antique flask in one of his pockets, he +gradually removed all the liquid contents therefrom with a tubular +straw, but still could discern no traces of EDWIN DROOD. All the +live-long day he prosecuted his researches, to the great discomposure of +the populace: and, with whitewash all over the back of his coat, and +very dingy hands, had just seated himself at his own fireside in the +evening, when Mr. DIBBLE came in. + +"This is a strange disappearance," said Mr. DIBBLE. + +"And it was good as new," groaned the organist, with but one eye open. + +"Almost new!--_what_ was?" + +"Th'umbrella." + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," returned the old man, coldly, "I am not talking of an +umbrella, but of Mr. EDWIN." + +"Yesh, I know," said the uncle. "Awright. I'm li'lle sleepy; tha'sall." + +"I've just seen my ward, Mr. BUMSTEAD." + +"'She puerwell, shir?" + +"She is _not_ pretty well. Nor is Miss PENDRAGON." + +"I'm vahr' sorry," said Mr. BUMSTEAD, just audibly. + +"Miss PENDRAGON scorns the thought of any blame for her brother," +continued Mr. DIBBLE, eyeing the fire. + +"It had a bun-bone handle," muttered the other, dreamily. Then, with a +momentary brightening--"'scuse me, shir: whah'll y'take?" + +"Nothing, sir!" was the sharp response. "I'm not at all thirsty. But +there is something more to tell you. At the last meeting of my ward and +your nephew--just before your dinner here,--they concluded to break +their engagement of marriage, for certain good reasons, and thenceforth +be only brother and sister to each other." + +Starting forward in his chair, with partially opened eyes, the +white-washed and dingy Mr. BUMSTEAD managed to get off his hat, covering +himself with a bandanna handkerchief and innumerable old pieces of paper +and cloth, as he did so, from head to foot; made a feeble effort to +throw it at the aged lawyer; and then, chair and all, tumbled forward +with a crash to the rug, where he lay in a refreshing sleep. + +(_To be Continued._) + + * * * * * + +CHINCAPIN AT LONG BRANCH. + +A QUAKER friend of mine once observed that he loved the Ocean for its +Broad Brim. So do I, but not for that alone. I am partial to it on +account of the somewhat extensive facilities it affords for Sea Bathing. +Learning to swim, by the way, was my principal Elementary study. I have +just returned from taking a plunge in company with many other +distinguished persons. How it cools one to rush into the "Boiling Surf." +How refreshing to dive Below the Billow. I don't think I could ever have +a Surfeit of the Surf, I am so fond of it. Oh! the Sea! the Sea! with +its darkly, deeply cerulean--but stop! I am getting out of my depth. +Would that I were a poet, that I--But I ain't, so what's the use? + +As I sat on the verandah of the ------ Hotel the other morning, gazing +on the broad expanse of Ocean and wiping the perspiration which trickled +from my lofty brow, (the thermometer marked 90 degrees,) I could not +help recalling the beautifully appropriate lines of the celebrated bard: + + "When the sun's perpendicular rays + Begin to illumine the Sea, + The fishies exclaim in amaze + 'Confound it! how hot it will be!'" + +What a pity that the Bathing here has a drawback. I refer, of course, to +the Under Tow, which has caused some Untoward accidents. Those who have +experienced it, say it is impossible to keep your Feet when caught by +the Under Tow. Presence of mind is indispensable in such a case, but, +unfortunately, timid swimmers are too apt to lose their Heads as well as +their feet. Some of the lady visitors are Beautiful Swimmers, and their +Divers Charms excite universal admiration. Many of these fair +Amphitrites are so constantly in or on the water that it would hardly be +a Fib to call them Amphibious. Their husbands and brothers are, I regret +to say, not so much On the Water, preferring something a trifle stronger +semi-occasionally, if not oftener. + +You know what a popular amusement crabbing is here. I seldom indulge in +it myself, as I have bad luck, which makes me Crabbed. + +Our "distinguished guests," as JENKINS would say, are very numerous, and +it is truly an edifying sight to see judges, legislators, eminent +politicians, and other "Heads of the People" bobbing about in the water +together. + +Some folks don't seem to care what they spend when they come here, and +no sooner arrive at the Branch than they Branch out into all sorts of +extravagance. There is some superb horseflesh here just now, and the +fastest nags may be seen doing their Level best on the Smooth Beach. The +Race Track, Grand Stand, &c., are all that the vivid fancy of a +PUNCHINELLO can paint them. The bathing costumes! who can do justice to +them and their lovely wearers? Some time ago, (as I am informed,) a lady +made her appearance on the beach as a Nereid. Did you Ne'er read of the +Nereids, Mr. PUNCHINELLO? If you have, you are aware that they were the +Sea Nymphs of the Ancients, in other words the Old Maids of the Sea, who +never got married, and frequently played Scaly tricks on Mariners. The +Nereid referred to was arrayed in pea green and spangles, with green +tresses, which is very well known to be the correct costume of a mermaid +of antiquity, copied from the latest Paris fashions. This Spritely lady +was, however, unprovided with a tail, which was Unmermaidenlike in the +Extreme. + +You know how brilliant the Hops are, so I will Skip them. One thing, +however, is worth noting. At some of the Hotels they have a Spread on +the carpet before the dancing begins, as well as a supper afterwards. +The excellent music of the Hotel bands is Instrumental in drawing crowds +of listeners to the Ball rooms. Some Chinese Jugglers gave an +entertainment here the other evening, but I didn't go, not being in the +Juggler Vein. Yours Reverentially, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRUSSIC ACID. + +"FIFTY DOUSAND FENIANS ARMED MID REPEATERS FOR FRANCE! LET 'EM GO! +BEESMARK WILL MAKE DEM NOT COOM PACK TO REPEAT IN DIS GOONDERY NO MORE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + +CANTO IV. + + Little JACK HORNER + Sat in a corner. + Eating a Christmas Pie: + He put in his thumb + And pulled out a plum, + And said, "What a brave boy am I." + +In Canto I, I have shown the varied emotions which seized the tender +soul of Old Mother HUBBARD'S Dog. Emotions so fierce in their sorrow, +that they left not a single wiggle in his tail: his hopes were crushed, +his expectations ruined. In Canto II I have pictured the musical +propensities of the genus _Cat_, the wandering vagaries of the moon-dane +cow, the purp's withering contempt thereat, and the frisky evolutions of +the dish which rolled off on its ear. In Canto III I have portrayed the +"tender passion" and its melancholy result on the hill-side--a fitting +illustration of the fact that the course of true love never did run +smooth, especially if there were big rocks to knock one's toes against. +And now, in Canto IV, I am about to portray childish innocence in the +pursuit of bliss. + +All things are graded, with the trifling exception of many of our +streets. But who cares about this grade of bliss? I don't, and I am sure +the poet didn't when he sang the lines at the head of this chapter. +Bliss is graded. The old man in Wall street, with white hair and white +necktie, and smooth polished tongue, has his degree of bliss when he is +engaged in throwing stones at the Apes in the tree-top, that they may +return the throw with gold cocoa-nuts. The young lady has her degree of +bliss when her waist is entwined by "Dear CHAWLES," who soothes her +troubled spirit with the tender melody of "Red as a beet is +she,"--alluding to her would-be rival. The nice young man has his degree +of bliss when he chews a tooth-pick--poor goose! (not the nice young +man, but the fowl which gave the quill,)--and is given a smile by a +dark-eyed female in a passing stage. + +And Infantdom has--But our poet beautifully illustrates this in the +stanzas we have quoted. + + "Little JACK HORNER," + +says he, with the easy grace of one perfectly familiar with the subject +he is to treat; neither frightened at its immensity, nor putting himself +in the way of a dilemma by stopping to examine details. Little JACK was +the poet's pet because he was the afflicted one of the household, and +poets know full well how to sympathize with affliction. Perhaps JACK sat +down to dinner next to cross-eyed SUSAN ANN, "by Brother BILL'S gal," +and perhaps JACK'S nose was tickled by a little blue-bottle, and that he +sneezed right into her soup-plate; and then he was hurried from the +table for blowing a fly into SUSAN ANN'S soup! He would lose his dinner. +His napkin would miss its accustomed wash! + +"Shall it be thus? No!" says the poet. "Dry your tears, little JACK, go +to the well-stocked pantry, my boy, and get something to eat. The jury +will not convict you of stealing, for their verdict will be that you did +the deed in self-defence." And he did--go to the closet, and-- + + "Sat in the corner, + Eating a Christmas Pie." + +See the smiles as they wreathe themselves on his chubby countenance. How +little JACK looks at the pie! how he turns it round and round to find +the best spot whereon to begin the attack! How he smacks his lips, and +thinks how nice it would be if he _could_ wish to give SUSAN ANN a +taste! But he can't. + +Suddenly an idea strikes JACK. He has heard Uncle TOM talk of a big war +between Frawnce and Proossia, and all about the soldiers and the cannon, +and the big noises. Little JACK will make war on the pie. He will be +Frawnce, the pie will be Proossia. He sets it squarely before him on the +floor; rolls up his sleeves, may be; his eyes sparkle with +determination; he finds the most vulnerable spot in the crust; he makes +one bold dive with his thumb, it goes down, down down, crushing +everything before it; it feels something; renewed vigor flows through +JACK'S veins, and gives him new strength for the attack; victory crowns +him; and, in the words of the poet, + + "He pulled out a plum, + And said, 'What a brave boy am I.'" + +--Now he is happy. He has realized his fondest hopes. The blue-bottle +has no tickle for him now. He was Frawnce and he has licked Proossia. +There is nothing left but the plate, and his teeth are not hard enough +for that. + + * * * * * + +"Hooray for the Impurrur!" + +The ardor with which our Milesian element embraces the cause of France +furnishes a puzzle for many thoughtful minds; and yet its solution is +simple. In planning a passage of the Rhine, LOUIS NAPOLEON proposes to +BRIDGET. That's all. + + * * * * * + +A Roland for his Oliver. + +OLIVER DYER, of the _Sun_, is the original "Dyer Necessity that +knows no law." + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +And now comes to light another divorce case in Chicago. Mrs. HUGG sues +Mr. HUGG for a decree _e vinculo matrimonii_. If there is anything in a +name, no one will gainsay the observation that if hugging has lost its +charm, Mrs. HUGG is the last person to make a fuss about it. She took +her HUGG with a full knowledge of the circumstances, and it is contrary +to public policy and good morals that her plea of "hugged out" should +enable her to obtain the remedy which she seeks. + +In France they do not wait for the completion of the years of +adolescence to dub a scion of the royal family with the title of "man." +The Prince Imperial, prior to his departure for the wars, was presented +at Court as the "first gentleman" of France. For a youth of fourteen he +is said to have gone through the trying ceremonies with great credit +until directed by his mamma to dance with a venerable female of noble +blood, just as he was about to lend a beautiful American miss through +the mazes of a Schottische. The son of his father took one glance at the +ancient dame, and one at the lovely creature beside him, and then set up +a right royal blubber of disappointment. + +"Remember, my son," said EUGENIE, "you are a man now, and men never +cry." + +"Oh! mamma," sighed the afflicted Prince, "let me be a boy again, rather +than dance with _cette vieille_ yonder!" + +Alas! for the ambition of monarchs, who put forward their beardless +progeny to do the deeds of men, and to suffer with men's fortitude, when +they are more fit to be puling in a nurse's arms, or unravelling silk +skeins for some maid of honor. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +It was hot when Mr. PUNCHINELLO started for Niagara. So hot that no +allusions to Fahrenheit would give an idea of the tremendous +preponderance of caloric in the atmosphere. The trip was full of +discomforts, and there was great danger, at one time, that the train +would arrive at Niagara with a load of desiccated bodies. Of course the +water all boiled away in the engine-tanks, causing endless stoppages; +and of course the hot sun, pouring directly upon the roof of the cars, +caused the boards thereof to curl up and twist about in such fantastic +fashion, that they afforded no protection whatever to the passengers, +who were obliged to resort to sunshades and umbrellas, or get under the +seats. Added to this were the facts that the ice-water in the coolers +scalded the mouth; the brass-work on the seats blistered the hands; and +the empty stoves, almost red-hot from their exposure to the sun, +superheated the cars to a degree that was maddening. Added to these was +the fact that the intense heat expanded the rails until they were +several miles longer than usual, and thus the passengers suffered the +tortures of the transit for an increased length of time. + +When, at last, Mr. P. was conveyed, in a stifling hack, (the fare had +risen, under the unusual circumstances, about one hundred and ten +degrees,) to a stifling little room under the hot roof of an hotel +exposed to the sun on every side, and had taken an extempore Russian +bath while changing his linen, and had partaken of a hot dinner, he +might have been excused for saying that he would like to cool off a +little. + +Inquiring if there was any stream of water convenient, he was directed +to the river Niagara, which runs hard by the hotel. + +Reaching the banks of the river, Mr. P. was very much pleased by the +prospect. There is a considerable depression in the bed of the stream at +one point, and the water runs over the rocks quite rapidly, carrying +with it such leaves, twigs, steamboats or other objects that may be +floating upon its surface. + +Mr. P. immediately perceived the advantages of this condition of things +to a a gentleman suffering from the heat, and procuring a boat, he rowed +close to the foot of a cascade formed by the inclination in the bed of +the river, and throwing out his anchor, revelled in the luxury of the +cool spray and the refreshing sound of the rushing water. + +[Illustration] + +Does not this look cool? + +When sufficiently refreshed, Mr. P. rowed to shore, feeling like another +man. With the greatest confidence in its merits, he recommends his plan +to those who may be suffering from the summer heat. + +After breakfast the next morning, Mr. P. set out to see what he could +see. He did not engage the services of any hackman or professional +guide. + +He had heard of their extortions, and determined to submit to nothing of +the kind. He intended relying entirely upon himself. He walked some +distance without meeting with any of the places of interest of which he +had heard so much. + +Meeting at length with a respectable elderly gentleman, Mr. P. inquired +of him the way to the Cave of the Winds. + +"The Cave of the Winds? Ah!" said this worthy person. "You turn to your +left here, sir--ah! and then you keep on for about--ah! half a mile, and +you will--ah! see a gate--ah! Behind that is a man and the cave--ah!" + +Mr. P. thanked him and was proceeding on his way, when the worthy +citizen touched him on the arm, saying: + +"Twenty-one dollars, if you please, sir." + +"Twenty-one dev----developments!" cried Mr. P; "Why, what do you mean?" + +"Information, sir; fifty cents a word; forty-two words; twenty-one +dollars." + +It must not be supposed that Mr. P. submitted tamely to this outrage, +but after a long dispute, it was agreed to refer the matter to the +arbitration of three of the principal citizens. They promptly decided +that the charge was just and must be paid, but, owing to Mr. P.'s +earnest protestations, they agreed to throw out the "ahs," as being of +doubtful value as information. The sum thus saved to Mr. P. exactly paid +for drinks for the party. + +Mr. P. now very sensibly concluded that it was about time to leave, if +his editors, his printers, and the employes in his pun-factory were to +expect any pay that week, and so he set out for home in the evening, +taking a shortcut by the way of Montreal. + +He thought that a day might be very profitably spent here, especially if +he could fall in with any of the French-Canadians, of whose +peculiarities he had heard so much. The study of human nature was always +Mr. P.'s particular forte. + +On the morning of his arrival, Mr. P. met, in the dining-room of the +hotel, a gentleman who was unmistakably a Frenchman, and being in +Canada, was probably Canadian. As they were sitting together at the +table, Mr. P., having mentally rubbed up his knowledge of the French +language, addressed his companion thus: + +"_Avez-vous le chapeau de mon frere?_" + +The gentleman thus politely addressed, bowed, smiled, and after a little +hesitation answered: + +"_Non, Monsieur; mais jai le fromage de votre soeur._" + +"_Eh bien_" said Mr. P., as he scratched his head for a moment. "_Otez +vous vos souliers et vos bas?_" + +The other answered promptly, "_Je n'ote ni les uns ni les autres._" + +"_Votre pere,_" remarked Mr. P., "_a-t-il la chandelle de votre oncle?_" + +His companion remained silent for a minute or two, and then he said: + +"I forget the French of the answer to that, but I know the English of +it; it is 'no, sir, but he has the apples-of-the-ground-of-sugar of my +mother-in-law.'" + +When Mr. P. discovered, after a little conversation in the vernacular, +that his companion was a New York dry-goods clerk, he gave up the study +of the French-Canadian character and went on with his breakfast. + +When he went out into the streets to see the lions of the city he was +delighted to meet with some old friends. In company with them he visited +the Government House; the Cathedral; the Statue of NELSON; the VICTORIA +bridge; and everything else of interest in the place. But nothing was so +delightful to him as the faces of these old friends, from whom he had +been separated so long. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: When, at last, they left him, he returned sadly to New +York.] + + * * * * * + +IDIOTIC ITEMS. + +On Tuesday last one of the swans in Central Park laid a hen's egg. + +A celebrated English professor of heraldry is now at Long Branch, +studying the crests of the waves. + +Dr. LIVINGSTONE is no longer a white man. The large colored princess +whom he has been compelled to marry has beaten him black and blue. + +Louis NAPOLEON'S first bulletin about the war was the bullet in the +pocket of NAP Junior. + +An intelligent cordwainer of this city has invented a bathing shoe to +fit the under-toe at Long Branch. + +The lock of the writing-desk made with his own hands by LOUIS NAPOLEON, +at Hoboken, has been presented to the Empress EUGENIE by a gentleman +residing at Union Hill, in exchange for a lock of her Majesty's hair. + +Yesterday, while three eminent Wall street brokers--names, BROWN, JONES, +and ROBINSON--were engaged in watering stock, they fell in and were +drowned. Loss fully covered by insurance. + +CARL FORMES is oddly reported to have lost his Bass voice through over +indulgence in lager-beer. He drank a barrel of beer a day, and his voice +has now become a barrel organ. + +In France the _Marseillaise_ has become the national Him; while, in +Prussia, BISMARCK is decidedly the national Herr. + +A French paper has an article respecting certain musical fishes found in +the Indian Seas, They ought to be engaged for PIKE'S Opera House. + +The annual panther, weighing 8 ft., 9 inches, from snout to tip of tail, +and measuring 213 lbs., has just been killed in the Adirondacks by a +reporter. + + * * * * * + +POLITICAL CLAPTRAP. + +The sympathy exhibited by the _Sun_ reporters and editors for the +unhappy victim of Ogre Tammany is particularly touching. + +Association with the Wickedest Man in New York, the Honorable JOHN +ALLEN, _protege_ of the Reverend OLIVER DYER, has evidently demoralized +the pure beings who control the immaculate sheet known as the _Sun_, +whose putrescent light "shines for all." + +These panders to the depraved taste of a depraved portion of the +community, may exult in the spectacle presented in the City of New York +on Sunday, the 7th inst., but is it not a sorrowful thing in a so-called +Christian land to see a murderer borne with triumph to his grave, while +pseudo philanthropists deck his bier with flowers, and deliberately +charge a great political party with having hunted the wretched man to +his death? + +Was there no nobler game worth the killing by Tammany? Was there not a +"stag of Ten" to be found, to be struck, if party necessities required +it? Would OAKEY HALL and PETER B. SWEENY put such a slight upon these +bastard allies of the O'BRIENS and MORRISSEYS whose columns are open to +the highest bidder, and whose lips reek venom while their hands are ever +ready to strike a victim in the back, as to pass them by while they were +on the war-path? + +But hold--perhaps we have a clue to this singular conduct of the Tammany +warriors. They may have foreseen how apt the sweet people are to confer +immortality upon those whose death becomes them better than their life, +and therefore wisely forebore to disturb those blissful with murderers +and felons which seem to bind the Satellites of the _Sun_ and the +denizens of the Tombs together. + + * * * * * + +SUMMER ON THE CATSKILLS, + +BY REGALIA REYNA. + + +I. + + O thou Mount Katskill! whom I now survey + In roseate brightness of the new-born day, + To thee my thankfulness I would convey, + For self and crowd; + Who from the glare and hum of hot + Financial lives, + Have sought repose upon thy wondrous crest, and + Brought our wives-- + I gaze upon thy placid brow, where storms do + Reckless rage, + Forgetful of the storms of life, and Mister + BEACH's stage. + +II. + + I gaze upon thy beauteous vistas + Far and wide; + I see the day-break beautifully paint thy + Rugged side: + I see AURORA show the panorama + Night did hide: + I see the lazy Hudson grad-u- + Ally glide, + Reluctant to abandon thee, and seek + The salt sea tide. + I think almost excusingly of that tough + Two dollar ride; + And only for my wallet's sake, I longer + Would abide. + +III. + + Nature has kindly gifted thee with meadow, + Lake and dell, + And for the Falls of Kauterskill I know no + Parallel: + Humanity has crowned thee with this festive + Gay Hotel, + Where Fame and Fashion eager wait to hear + Thy dinner bell: + O Mount! O view! thy beauties now I can no + Longer tell, + For, after breakfast, I must say--O Katskill! + Fare thee well! + And leave thee--in one of those abominable stages, + "which I wish it" + Was in H------eaven! + + * * * * * + +Extraordinary Ledger-demain. + +The Soldiers' Monument at Cambridge is the result of the combined +efforts of CYRUS and DARIUS COBB, whereas, SYLVANUS, alone and +unassisted, is able to raise, every week, a tall column on the surface +of the _N.Y. Ledger._ + + * * * * * + +Censor of the Press. + +The unfortunate official who sought reliable information, the other day, +respecting the age and immense property possessions of PUNCHINELLO, on +comparing his notes subsequently, remarked to a friend that he felt as +if he had temporarily lost his Census. + + * * * * * + +Appropriate. + +DANA, of the _Sun_, is about to open an undertaker's establishment for +the arrangement of murderer's obsequies. Motto--"Pinking done here." + + * * * * * + +The Wrong Mouth. + +A LITTLE Fourth-of-Julyer in Pittsburgh, going along with his mouth +open, (after the manner of boys), caught a fire-cracker therein, just as +the cracker was going off. He had often had crackers in his mouth, but +preceding ones had proved nourishing and non-explosive; whereas, this +cracker was quite the reverse. As a consequence, the boy has lost his +voice, but (what is curious, certainly,) is otherwise all sound. + +Were we certain that heaving a fire-cracker into an open mouth would +always produce such a result, we should certainly hire some one to shut +up the noisier of our public nuisances--such as G.F. TRAIN, and several +members of Congress. This could be easily done, as their mouths are +always open, and usually are very large ones. We invite proposals from +boys, relating to next season's operations. + + * * * * * + +Theft Extraordinary. + +A weekly journal gravely informs a correspondent that "the line, 'A +thing of beauty is a joy forever,' occurs in TUPPER's _Proverbial +Philosophy_." + +Shades of the poets! More than fifty years ago, JOHN KEATS commenced a +poem called "Endymion," with that very line. To think that he should +have gone and borrowed it from TUPPER! + + * * * * * + +Politician's Plant. + +See WEED. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE LATEST MELODRAMATIC DODGE OF A PLAYED-OUT POLITICIAN. + +PROMPTER DANA, OF THE "SUN," GIVES THE CUE TO A _REAL_ SKELETON.] + + * * * * * + +Conversion of the "Sun." + +It was said of Bishop COLENSO that he "undertook to convert a Zulu +Kaffir, but the Z. K. converted him." + +Such a circumstance may be fallen upon without going so far as Africa to +seek for it. JOHN ALLEN, of Water Street, was, once upon a time, the +Zulu Kaffir of DANA of the _Sun_ and his fascinating Satellite, OLIVER +DYER. + +The ways of JOHN ALLEN were very wicked when these pious +missionaries threw themselves upon his trail, and tried to convert him. +Perhaps the reformatory effort was well meant; but, alas! for the +feebleness of all human arrangements--JOHN ALLEN remains the reprobate +he was, while he to his flock has brought DANA, the _Sun_ man, and DYER, +the Satellite man, converts to the Allenian theory that money made from +dirt is the only healthful stimulant to virtuous toil. + +And so it was that DANA the devout, and DYER the saintly, went forth to +convert the Zulu Kaffir of Water Street, and the Z. F. converted them. + + * * * * * + +Ready for Another Heat. + +The horses of PHOEBUS. + + * * * * * + +A Royal Game. + +The ex-queen of Spain fears that ALFONSO will be "euchred." She remarked +to him recently, Play you're king. + + * * * * * + +CONTEMPORARY SENTIMENTS, + +On the Great War Question. + + "WILLIAM'S my man!" cries one enthusiast,-- + "He'll be in Paris, _sure_, within ten days!" + "'Paris' your Granny!" cries one just as fast; + "'Ere that, man! you'll see Berlin in a blaze!" + + "France has the finest soldiers ever seen!" + Says one who knows; "they never can be beat!" + One who knows also, says, "the French are green! + Their only real strength is in their fleet!" + + "Oh, hang their fleet!" exclaims another man; + "It's useless now,--it has no work to do! + But let France use her navy all she can, + You'll see if Prussia doesn't put her through!" + + "Prussia ain't able!" cries an eager one: + "Let her drink all the lager in her shops, + She'll find the little job is not yet done, + For all there's such enormous strength in hops!" + + "And if there's any danger comes to France," + Remarks the seventh man, "_Ireland_ will arise!" + "And if she does, old England will advance!" + The eighth (an Englishman,) with pride replies. + + And so they have it hot, for half a day,-- + First A., then B., then C. and D. at once, + And thus the precious moments roll away, + And none can tell who is the greatest dunce. + + * * * * * + +The Aldermen to their Dinner. + +Gorge us! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OVATION OF MURDER. + +_The Devil, (soliloquizing.)_ "NEW YORK'S THE PLACE FOR ME! THIS IS WHAT +I CALL _REAL_ ENJOYMENT--A MURDERER'S FUNERAL PROCESSION GRANDER FAR +THAN THAT OF ANY GREAT AND GOOD CITIZEN, AND THIS IN A CITY OF +SUNDAY-SCHOOLS AND CHURCHES!". _(The Devil's Walk: Sunday, August 7, +1870.)_] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN AT THE FEMALE CONVENTION. + +The Cardiff Giant and other Fossils at Saratoga. + + "Duble, duble, heaps of truble, + Wimmen's rites will bust the bubble." + + SHAKESPEAR. (WM.) + +The wolves in sheeps clothin' convenshed agin for an annual rippin' up +of things, at Saratogy. + +The undersined, in custody of the undersined's wife, who is a +Hicockalormn of the Skeensboro Sore-eye-sisses, was present at the +singin' of the above selection from the defunct bard. + +Male and femail wimmen was there dressed emblamatical of their callin'. + + "Black folks and white + With red hair and gray, + Mingled for a fite + In Sar-a-to-ga." SHAKESPEAR & GREEN. + +SOOZAN B. ANTHENY was scrumpshusly ragged out in broad-cloth. + +A turkish towellin' vest-pattent lether butes and silk hat, completed +her _Toot in cymbals_. + +ERNEST L. ROZE wore a nobby scotch cassimer soot. She carried a cane and +wore her hair parted in the middle. + +Mrs. RUBE PHENTON--MARTHY WRITE--O'LIMPING BROWN--SARY FILLEO--Mrs. +DEXTER NOLTON--LILLY DEVERS BLAKE--SARY HALLEK--FEBEE CAREY, and other +prominent Fireside agitaters and Herthstun depopulaters, were becominly +araid, and did gustise to their tailors. + +PHREDRICK DOUGLIS, a firey broonet from Rochester, looked bewitchin' in +a _more anteek_ silk dress. + +A camels hair overskirt hung grasefully over his loins. Peepin' out from +beneath his robes, was a delicate little foot, encased in a flesh +cullered pair of No. 11 buckskin mocasins. + +His hair was done up in a 2 bushel waterfall, and was frizzled all over, +_a lar Ethiope_. + +EDWIN A. STUDWELL, of Brooklyn, looked stunnin' in a granny Dean walkin' +dress and red cotton umbreller. + +His back hair was tempestously arranged. + +A couple of bolony sassiges, in a hily chawed up state, hung pendent +from the aft of his gorgeous waterfall, and dangled to his heels, _a lar +cheapee John_, + +When approached by that great captivater of susseptible hearts (?) +SOOZAN B. ANTHENY, ED blushed like a red-headed woodpecker, and hid his +modesty behind a $4.00 palm leaf fan. + +STEVE GRISWOLD, DAN KETCHAM and a few other manikins, was dressed +accordin' to the prevailin' fashions of the feminin sects. + +A good cleen shave would have completed their disgize, and folks +woulden't have had a suspicion but what they was what they was actin' to +be. + +I was shocked to hear one audacious retch remark: + +"Them chaps look like a lot of hen-peckt broken furniture." + + "Come, sisters, cheer we up his sprites + And show the best of femail spites, + So teach that horrid critter, man, + We'll swaller him hul, when ere we can." 1ST WITCH. + +SOOZAN B. was elected chairman. + +On takin' her seat she said: + +"My femail friends by birth, and my femail friends by brevet;" + +"We have convenshed for the purpuss of having our rites redressed----" + +A voice: "Haden't you better go home and redress yourselves first?" + +The whole convention was onto their feet in a second, while the chairman +fell into her seet and regained her composure, by takin' a good helthy +pinch of scotch snuff. + +Quiet bein' restored, a Mrs. GAGE riz to her feet, and, removin' a chew +of tobacker from her mouth, read the follerin' resolutions: + +Whereas: 2 National Wimmen's Suffrage Circus are industrously plyin' +their vocation. + +Whereas: A effort is afoot to jine 'em together under the same tent. + +Now be it resolved: We don't perceeve it in them sunbeams. The New York +State Suffrage Circus is able to paddle her own stone bote. Bosting to +the contrary not-with-out-standin'-up. + +Resolved finally: We is the original JACOBS, and if Bosting don't like +the cut of our Jib, let her lump it. + +(Grate applaws.) + +A strange lookin' woman, who wore a swaller tail cote, red the follerin +resolutions: + +Whereas: Woman has a spear, it hain't to cook vittles--darn +stockin's--tend baby and try to make her husbin happy. + +Whereas: Man is a brute--woman an angle. Man can vote--woman can't. + +Resolved: That as long as man won't give us the ballit, that after Jan., +1871, every mail brat that comes squawkin' into the world, be smothered +the minnit he is borned. + +Resolved: That when the mail rase is extinguished, the superior critter, +woman, take peaceable possession of the ballit box. + +These resolutions was vociferously cheered, Mrs. GREEN becomin' so +exsited that she whacked me over the head with her parasol in a most +ongentlemanly manner. + +(N.B.--I would heer state that I'me a Resistanter agin femail suffrage. + +Give woman the 16th Commendment and we can cry "peece" ontil our +wind-pipes are collored, but not a darned bit of peece will we git, +except occashunly a peece is nockt off of our snoot, for refusin' to get +up early Monday mornin's to do the washin'.) + +At the above juncture of the proceedin's, the Cardiff Jiant, who is +spendin' the summer at this selebrated waterin' place, entered the room. + +The old feller had heard of this grate Fossil Convenshun. + +As the distinguished fraud entered the room, cheers filled the air. + +Members in exstasy jumped up onto the benches--stood on their +heads--threw their false teeth all about the floor, and acted like a lot +of Rocky Mountain injuns, chock full of New England rum. + +Silents was restored by tossin' a live man to the exsited Amazons, whom +they tore to peeces, partly satisfyin' their cravin' appetites. + +Old GIPSUM then _oratoricised_ as viz.: + +"Feller Fossils: This is indeed the most momentous event I've attended +since I left Onondagar. + +"When COTTON MATHER came over in the Grate Eastern, he sent out a dove to +see if the Pilgrims, would allow her to pick any flowers off of Plymouth +Rock. + +"What was the result of that experiment? + +"Why, the dove coulden't find any rest for the soul of her shoo; for +Plymouth Rocks were thicker than Cardiff Jiants. That base man, BARNUM, +had taken plaster casts of the old rock, and there wasen't a town along +the coast, but what had its 'original Plymouth Rock.' + +"The dove, not bein' a good judge of genuine stuns, made her "Shoo fly" +back to the old ark, and told her tail. Therefore, I ask as a personal +favor, seein' that BARNUM sarved me same's he did old Plymouth Rock, +that when this august assemblage of Fossilized human bein's comes down +onto the mail portion of the U. States, old P.T. be turned over to us. +I'le make him think he's got straddle his wooly hoss, and an army of +mermades was after him with red hot pitchforks. + +"Grant me this favor, and when the fite of the Amazons begins, you can +count on me to hold your bonnets." + +Amid tremenjus applaus old Fort Dodger squatted. + +Letters were then read from the Cohoes Mastodon--ARTEMAS WARD'S wax +figgers--the wooly hoss--a miselaneous lot of Egipshun Mummies, and +THEODOR TILTIN--regrettin' their inability to attend the Fossil +Convention. + +HORRIS GREELY was then anathemized, BEN BUTLER--Senator WILSON--and GEO. +FRANCIS TRAIN Ulogized. + +Resolutions were offered that Congressman MORRISEY be pulverized, by +some talented femail startin' a opposition club house, employin' none +but Tigers of the gentle sects. + +After a few more summer complaint speeches agin that Horrible! +Bloodthirsty! 2 legged Monkster, MAN!! the annual Hen convention of +Antideluvian Fossils tide up their bonnet strings--took their husbans +under their off arm--walked down to Congress Spring. + +The witches who dipp up the mineral fluid danced about the cauldron, +while the President of the company spyin' the Femails approachin' +remarked: + + "By the prickin' of my thumb + Somethin' wicked this way comes." + +The above, Friend PUNCHINELLO, was as seen by, + +Ewers faithfully, + +HIRAM GREEN, + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece_. + + * * * * * + +Birds of Passage. + +The African ostrich is sometimes trained to carry passengers on his +back, but the player of "our national game" is often seen "going out on +a Foul." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VERY NECESSARY PRECAUTION.] + + * * * * * + +BLOCKS AND BLOCKHEADS. + +Mr. Punchinello: As the acknowledged redresser of American wrongs and +the enemy of public nuisances, we beg your attention to a vice which +seems to be upon the increase, and which grows in strength with what it +feeds upon. As the vice in question appears to be upon the increase, and +to fascinate its victims by the allurements of the excitement, we +consider it worthy of PUNCHINELLO'S lance, or, in other words, of being +transfixed upon PUNCHINELLO'S quill. + +We refer to the loafing which invariably takes place upon the occasion +of the relaying of the wooden pavement. I say wooden more particularly, +inasmuch as new fangled varieties of pavement, such as Concrete, +Nicholson, etc., although they have their day, cannot be said to compete +for a moment in public regard with the good old fashioned kind first +described. + +Of all the causes that arrest public attention, surely this laying of +wooden pavement is the most enduring and effectual. + +People of every grade and degree make a dead halt as they approach this +centre of interest, and at once settle down for a prolonged inspection +of the works before them. It is true that everybody has seen the same +thing one hundred and fifty times, but this description of indulgence +appears to grow by what it feeds upon, and the fascinated victim watches +the operation of the workers with a gratification which knows no +abatement. The usual formula gone through upon these occasions is as +follows: + +Citizen approaches the scene of interest, and sees crowds of spectators +upon each side; he glances at the workmen, and, after taking stock of +both them and the overseer, proceeds to read the opinion of his fellows +in their faces, after which he settles down in right earnest with his +hands in his pockets for a prolonged stare. This latter may continue for +periods varying from ten minutes to an hour and three quarters, +according to inclination or opportunity. + +If the spectator is a man of business, it is just possible that he may +content himself with measuring the size of the blocks with his eye, and +then pass on, content to know that he, as one out of many taxpayers, is +getting the value of what they are called on to pay for. But with the +mass of the onlookers, the pouring of the hot pitch into the gravelled +interstices is watched with a satisfaction ever new, like that bestowed +in the pantomime upon the application by the clown of the red-hot poker. + +There is also the pleasure of seeing others at hard work, and the +indulgence of everybody's belief (which is common to all present,) that +he or she could suggest an improvement upon the work proceeding, and the +manner of doing it. Then they look at each other once more and depart +contented. + +Upon a moderate calculation, the amount of time devoted by human beings +to this amusing study, in the City of New York, amounts to 2,450,000 +hours per annum. + + * * * * * + +ENGLAND'S QUANDARY. + +Conjecture and expectancy, O PUNCHINELLO! have been the order of the day +in this European turmoil, with regard to the position of what are called +neutral Powers. People have been looking at England with much curiosity +to see what she really does intend. With the facilities which our +_special wire_ affords, I am enabled to report a highly interesting +soliloquy delivered by the Rt. Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE, to his bed-post, at +his home in Spring Gardens, London, after a hot night's debate at St. +STEPHEN'S. Our reporter concealed himself in the key-hole and took +_verbatim_ notes. As in the case of the speeches delivered by the rival +monarchs to their armies, which you published a week in advance of the +speeches themselves, the following can be relied on: + +"I'm tired of answering questions. Let me think awhile. Is war the only +alternative? They blame me for not talking out. Fools, they don't know +where they stand. At home and abroad, difficulty. Our workmen +emigrating; the Irish irreconcilable, (curse that word!) nothing +cheerful that side. + +"France can rock _her_ irreconcilables to sleep to the war lullaby of +that man we have so trusted only to betray us; _our_ irreconcilables +only wait for war to side with our enemy. Prussia, grasping bull-dog as +she is, makes capital out of it, and calls us to her side, while our +stupid people burn with a Prussian fever, which may turn to a plague +to-morrow. + +"Is the Prussian whom we have helped to humble to be our only ally? Then +must we write ourselves down asses in Constantinople. + +"If we had some other head besides weather-cock expediency. France has +an Emperor, Prussia a King to lead them; we have a Queen who takes walks +in the Isle of Wight; and her son--bah! a _roue_ about town. Their +marriage alliances are drag-chains, not bonds of love. Denmark does not +forget our treachery in '65. Holland is afraid of France. We are safe +from America yet. They are too much afraid of the German vote, thank +Heaven, to side with France, but "Alabama" is her watchword, and she +only waits to strangle us. LAFAYETTE and the Hessians are only memories, +they have no votes. Ah! it was a mistake to sympathize with the South. + +"Our statesmen--Heaven save the mark!--are our worst enemies. D'ISRAELI, +the Jew, doubles our difficulty by showing our weakness. He would play +the part of PITT without his brains or his chances. Then we led, now we +are dragged at the tail. We may sign treaties, but we cannot write them. +BRIGHT would be friendly with both; GRANVILLE with neither, and thus +each is offended. It is ridiculous, and the only course left is to +bluster about Belgium. + +"It must be the late dinner. There are all sorts of threatening shadows +around, and but one light; that is a war flame. Let me sleep. To-morrow +the gaping thousands will ask a sign. It may come, but it shall be +hoisted on the Rhine, and, helpless tide waiters, we cannot tell from +which side it shall come. Ah! 'Uneasy sits the man on the ministerial +bench,' as SHAKESPEARE would say to-day, for the crown that he spoke of +is an ornament in the tower." + +REPORTER + + * * * * * + +Magnetic + +Polish soldiers should choose the needle gun. The needle is always +true to the Pole. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAPITAL HINT FOR OUR STATIONARY STREET MUSICIANS, IF +THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY. ] + + * * * * * + +THE LEAVEN OF LEAVENWORTH. + +The great West has long been famous for the loose, untrammelled freedom +with which its inhabitants treat everything and everybody. Breadth, no +less than length, is a striking feature of Western settlements, and that +this element is conspicuous in the journalism of those singular abodes, +no less than in the social life of their inhabitants, generally, is +evidenced in the following advertisement cut from "_The Times_"--a paper +published at Leavenworth, Kansas: + +"NOTICE TO DRIVERS OF FAST STOCK.--Hold your horses and do not drive so +fast. All gay and festive cusses caught driving faster than ordinary +gait in the city, will be brought before Judge Vaughan, for instance--the +fine is $20. + +H. A. ROBERTSON, City Marshal." + +The City Marshal of Leavenworth is clearly a pot-companion of the first +(whiskey and) water. He declines to address his fellow-citizens in the +commonplace terms usually recognised in more prosaic communities. To +adopt his own style of phraseology, ROBERTSON is clearly a "gay and +festive cuss." He is a specimen brick from Kansas, and doubtless always +carries one in his hat. The expression "ordinary gait," as applied to +driving in Kansas, where everybody owns "fast stock," is rather +equivocal in these quieter latitudes to be sure, but we may guess that, +at Leavenworth, a man who rides or drives at a pace of twenty miles an +hour, is liable, "for instance," to a fine of $20, or just one dollar +per mile. Kansas maybe a very nice place to live in, for some people, +but we would hardly recommend Mr. ROBERT BONNER to emigrate thither, and +so risk the probability of being advertised as a "gay and festive cuss." + + * * * * * + +SHIP AHOY! + +Of all public performers, there are none who "draw" better than the +gymnasts who risk their necks by attempting hazardous feats. The fool +who attaches himself by the heels to the car of an ascending balloon is +sure to have thousands of feeble-minded females waving handkerchiefs at +him. BLONDIN, the great French tomfool, brought more people to Niagara +Falls to see him, possibly, add a new Fall to the prospect, than ever +the Falls themselves did. And when another donkey announces that he is +going to stand upon his head on the point of a church spire, that church +is sure to be thronged--outside. These performances, and all of their +sort, should be made punishable, and will probably be so when a hundred +or two performers shall have been killed, in addition to those who have +already suffered. + +Not nearly so exciting as performances of the kind referred to, though, +perhaps, quite as rash, are the ocean voyages occasionally essayed by +tiny, toy ships. One of these--the _Red, White and Blue_--is announced +as about to start upon a "voyage round the world." We wish her our best +wishes, and hope she may get round in the roundest way and time. One of +her first stopping places, though, as we see, is Martha's Vineyard. Our +advice to the skipper of the toy ship, is to go no further than that +delightful haven of rest. MARTHA. will cherish her as a chimney +ornament, or give her to her kids to play with--and nobody will be hurt. + + * * * * * + +Two Renderings. + +_Finis coronat opus:_--The end crowns the work. + +_Finis coroner opus:_--There is plenty of work for the Coroner, but +the "end" does not always appear to be gained. + +All of which is respectfully submitted to the investigators of murder +in this city. + + * * * * * + +The Modern Monks of La Trappe. + +The Coroner, the Assistant District-Attorney, and certain other +officials who have been trying the "trap" game on the witnesses examined +in the NATHAN murder case. + + * * * * * + +Results of Silver Stock. + +1. The dream is ore. + +2. Never mined. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE. ] + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Englishman, London._--You have lost your wager. Ohio is not the capital +of Indiana. + +_Stranger, New York City._--When you get lost in our streets and do not +know where you are, it is a good plan to seek information from a +policeman. If he does not know where you are, come directly to the +office of PUNCHINELLO. + +_Antiquary._--"The Last of the Barons" was a term applied to an +implement used by the ancient shoemakers. The pedal members of the old +English barons were of a peculiar aristocratic conformation, and lasts +were made expressly for them. This is a curious fact not generally +known. + +_Ploughboy_ finds the following remark in Mr. GREELEY'S thirtieth What, +and asks explanation. + +"So with regard to Carrots. I have never achieved success in growing +these nor Beets." + +We infer that the meaning is, With regard to carrots, sow them. "These +nor Beets" are probably a new variety. They may have come from Norfolk, +but more "presumably" they were found in Alaska. + +_Metaphysician, Cloudland._--Your article on the "Psychical Basis of +Objective Existence" is excellent. Look out for it in the "Juvenile +Department" of our Christmas number. + +_Grammarian._--The expression "We ain't got none" is manifestly +incorrect. It has two negatives. "We ain't got any" is by far more +elegant. + +_Wager_ says that A. made a bet with B. that he could cut a dime in two +at one stroke of his pen-knife, C. to hold the stakes. A. took a +ten-cent "scrip" and chopped it in two with his blade. Meantime C. +walked away with the stake money. Who won? _Answer._--The bet is off. C. +is also off, but no better, and neither A. or B. is any better off. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTES ON THE FERRY. + +_Gushington, (with the pipe.)_ "SHE SMILED ON ONE OF US, I'LL SWEAR." + +_Spindle_. "PERHAPS; BUT WHAT'S A SMILE? A POSITIVE NOD FOR ME, OR +NOTHING!"] + + * * * * * + +AERATED VERBIAGE. + +An Every-day Romance. + +CHAPTER I. + +In a room in a palatial tenement house in Avenue D, stood GILBERT +FERNANDE FROU FROU SNOGGS. G.F.F.F.S. was rampant. + +"Why?" you say. + +Gentle reader, hurry me not. Let the tale wag on. She was talking to her +mamma. + +"Now," said G.F.F.F.S., "I prognosticated that my maternal relative +would become oblivions of my reiterated solicitations to perambulate the +Avenue, and make the acquisition of four yards of cerulean hued ribbon," +and she stamped her tiny number eights on the floor. + +You will notice that, even in her anger, she did not forget her English. + +"You can purchase it on the morrow," replied her mamma. + +"I will not remain acquiescent. I will promenade upon my profluence to +Sixth Avenue, and purchase the ceruleous ribbon immediately," said +G.F.F.F.S., putting on her waterproof and sun-bonnet. + +Her mother pointed to the paternal turnip, which hung over the mantel, +and showed her that old Time was "doing stunts" at 10-1/2. + +But G.F.F.F.S. was obstinate. She put on her chignon, her curls, her +breast elevator, her bustle, her high-heeled shoes, a little rouge, a +little whiting and a bit of court-plaster, and sallied forth, down the +dumb-waiter to the cellar, and thence, through the ash-hole, to the +street. + +CHAPTER II. + +The deed was done!!! The purchase was made find G.F.F.F.S. walked +towards her palatial paternal mansion. She felt slightly timid, for, as +she looked at the heavens, she saw that ARCTURUS, who had been playing +tag with CASTOR and POLLUX all the evening, had reached hunk, the Great +Bear. From the astronomical knowledge which she had acquired at the +Vavasour Female Academy, she knew that the paternal turnip now pointed +to the witching hour of 11-1/2. + +Suddenly she found herself surrounded by a party of bandits, (she +thought she was in Greece, but she was only in the 19th Ward.) + +They seized her. + +"Not a word," said the leader. "Your money or your life." + +Now G.F.F.F.S. had lots of life and very little money, so she could +hardly determine whether to give up some of her life or all of her +money. + +"Illustrious banditti," said she, "the auriferous contents of my +reticulated depository are notable for minuteness. Be conservators of my +pullulating existence." + +"I say, TOM," said the leader, "what's her little game?" + +"It sounds like Irish," said TOM. + +"Hand over your stamps," said the leader. + +G.F.F.F.S. slowly drew out her net purse, when suddenly the robbers +fled. G.F.F.F.S. felt that her hero had come, and, like all the +ARAMINTAS in the novels, she fainted and was caught in the arms of-- + +CHAPTER III. + +The author tried to persuade the editor to allow him to write "to be +continued" after the last thrilling chapter, but the editor was +inexorable, hence this chapter, "in the arms of"--a little red-headed +policeman. + +G.F.F.F.S. smiled gently, but, as soon as she had opened her eyes, and +had cast them on the red head, freckled face, pug-nose, and little eyes +of MIKE MCFLYNN, she sprang to her feet. It was better than forty +gallons of hartshorn. She had wasted a faint. + +"_Perdidi animi deliquium_," said she. + +"Mother of MOSES, but you was heavy!" said MCFLYNN. + +But she did not wait, and a pair of number eight shoes might have been +seen by an inquisitive reporter, cutting around the corners and stamping +up seven flights of stairs. + +MORAL. + +When the paternal turnip solemnly points to 10-1/2, G.F.F.F.S. puts her +number eights on the mantel, looks reflectively at a sore-eyed kitten, +and falls into polysyllables. + + * * * * * + +HOMODEIFICATION. + +Late advices from China convey the intelligence that the +American-Chinese General WARD, who died in the service of the Celestial +empire, has been postmortuarily brevetted to the rank of a "major god," +and is now regularly worshipped as such by JOHN PIGTAIL. + +Possibly the antithesis to this may turn up on the cards, here. In the +course of events the bronze idol to which our PHILLIPSES and SUMNERS +used to bend the knee, has been prostrated from his pedestal by the +Fifteenth Amendment. Coolie labor, with its possible abuses, may engage +the attention of the philanthropists, next, and we may yet behold JOHN +PIGTAIL on a pedestal, in the character of an American "major god." + + * * * * * + +"LUCUS A NON," ETC. + +In the culinary department of a newspaper we find a recipe for making +"bird's nest pudding," which would surely make the pigtail of a JOHN +Chinaman stick straight up on end. The component parts of the pudding +are apples, sugar, milk, five eggs, and vanilla. Perhaps the inventor of +the pudding once found a bird's nest with five eggs in it, and has thus +essayed to immortalize the interesting fact. + + * * * * * + +Bullet Proof. + +The fact of the young Prince Imperial having picked up a bullet on the +field of Saarbruck is significant It proves that, like a true BONAPARTE, +he is prompt to take the Lead. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | HOUSEKEEPING GOODS. | + | | + | A Special Lot of IRISH DAMASK TABLE | + | CLOTHS in 8-4 and 8-4-4, 10-4 from $2 | + | and $2.50 and upwards | + | | + | 5-8 DAMASK NAPKINS, | + | $1 per doz. upward. | + | | + | TABLE DAMASK, | + | 40c. per yard and upward. | + | | + | HUCKABUCK TOWELS, | + | $1.50 per doz. and upward. | + | | + | PILLOW LINEN, | + | 40-inch wide. 30c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2 yards wide. 60c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-1/4 yard wide, 70c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-1/2 yards wide, 90c. per yard. | + | | + | LINEN SHEETINGS, | + | 2-3/4 yards wide, $1 per yard. | + | | + | A Job Lot of READY-MADE, LINEN SHEETS, | + | from $2.50 per pair and upward. | + | | + | Fine yard-wide IRISH LINEN, | + | suitable for Ladies' wear, 35c. | + | | + | Extra Heavy IRISH LINEN | + | for Gentlemen's wear, 40c. | + | | + | Further Reductions In | + | SUMMER QUILTS and BLANKETS. | + | | + | ALL WOOL WHITE FLANNELS, | + | 25c. per yard. | + | | + | A new all wool | + | GRAY FLANNEL for LADIES' OVERSKIRTS, | + | 40c. per yard. | + | | + | TWEEDS | + | for Bathing Suits, 30c. per yard. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Call special attention to their large and well | + | selected stock of | + | | + | Domestic Cotton Goods, | + | | + | Consisting of | + | | + | BLEACHED AND BROWN | + | | + | Shirtings and Sheetings | + | | + | IN ALL THE CHOICE BRANDS; | + | | + | ALSO | + | | + | Tickings, Denims, | + | | + | ETC., ETC., AT | + | | + | EXTREMELY LOW PRICES. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | IRISH AND FRENCH POPLINS | + | | + | At very Low Prices. | + | | + | MERINO AND EMPRESS CLOTHS | + | | + | IN CHOICE | + | | + | FALL AND WINTER COLORS, | + | | + | 75c. and upward. | + | | + | ALL WOOL SERGES | + | | + | 75c. and $1 per yard, worth $1.50 and $1.75 | + | | + | TARTAN PLAIDS, | + | | + | IN GREAT VARIETY, | + | | + | From 35c. and upward. | + | | + | WINSEYS, | + | | + | From 35 to 40 cents per yard. | + | | + | ROUBAIX POPLINS, | + | | + | From 25 to 40 cents per yard. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: IMITATION THE SINCEREST FLATTERY. + +_Regular Customer._ "ALONZO, BRING ME SOME BEANS AND TOMAYTESES." + +_Waiter._ "YES'M. "WILL YOU HAVE 'EM ON ONE PLATE OR ON TWO PLATESES?"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. Wholesale and Retail. | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 FINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES.--All at the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION or Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for ... | + | $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 22, August +27, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 22 *** + +***** This file should be named 10019.txt or 10019.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10019/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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