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diff --git a/old/10018.txt b/old/10018.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7feba0 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10018.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2741 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 5, April 30, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 5, April 30, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 8, 2003 [EBook #10018] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 5 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT &CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers, | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163,165,167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New-York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES--All on the same premises, and under the | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON &. CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: Vol. 1 No. 5] + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the | + | paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of | + | One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau | + | Street, New-York City._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS are celebrated for their close resemblance | + | to Oil Paintings. Sold in All Stores throughout the World. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S WEEKLY BULLETIN OF CHROMOS.--"Easter Morning" | + | "Family Scene in Pompeii" "Whittier's Birthplace," | + | Illustrated Catalogue sent, on receipt of stamp, by L. PRANG | + | & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | The Greatest Horse Book ever Published. | + | | + | HIRAM WOODRUFF | + | | + | ON THE | + | | + | TROTTING HORSE OF AMERICA! | + | | + | _How to Train, and Drive Him_. | + | | + | With Reminiscences of the Trotting Turf. A handsome 12mo, | + | with a splendid steel-plate portrait of Hiram Woodruff. | + | Price, extra cloth, $2.25. | + | | + | The New-York Tribune says: "_This is a Masterly Treatise by | + | the Master of his Profession_--the ripened product of forty | + | years' experience in Handling, Training, Riding, and Driving | + | the Trotting Horse. There is no book like It in any language | + | on the subject of which it treats." | + | | + | BONNER says in the _Ledger_, "It is a book for which every | + | man who owns a horse ought to subscribe. The information | + | which it contains is worth ten times its cost." For sale by | + | all booksellers, or single copies sent post-paid on receipt | + | of price. | + | | + | Agents wanted. J. B. FORD & CO., | + | | + | Printing-House Square, New-York, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co;, | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States_. | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND_, | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of | + | | + | Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | + | | + | FROM PARIS, | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, | + | | + | La Sirene, L'Imperatrice, etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which will be Issued under date of April | + | 2, 1870, and thereafter weekly. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be _National_, and not _local_; and will | + | endeavor to become a household word in all parts of the | + | country; and to that end has secured a | + | | + | VALUABLE CORPS OF CONTRIBUTORS | + | | + | in various sections of the Union, while its columns will | + | always be open to appropriate first-class literary and | + | artistic talent. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty, | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | The Artistic department will be in charge of Henry L. | + | Stephens, whose celebrated cartoons in VANITY FAIR placed | + | him in the front rank of humorous artists, assisted by | + | leading artists in their respective specialties. | + | | + | The management of the paper will be in the hands of WILLIAM | + | A. STEPHENS, with whom is associated CHARLES DAWSON SHANLY, | + | both of whom were identified with VANITY FAIR. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications can not be returned, unless | + | postage-stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 | + | volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are | + | made of all new and popular works. | + | | + | Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents | + | each delivery. | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | AND AT | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + | improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best, Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES: | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60, This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR | + | | + | STATIONER, PRINTER, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. | + | | + | ACCOUNT BOOKS | + | | + | MADE TO ORDER. | + | | + | PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. | + | | + | 82 Wall Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: THE WARNING OF THE BELLE + +LOOK OUT FOR THE TRAIN] + + * * * * * + +PATRIOTIC ADORATION. + +A TALE OF PHILADELPHIA. + + People of the Quaker City, + How the world must stand aghast + At your wondrous veneration + For those relics of the past, + Kept in such precise condition, + Fostered with such tender care-- + Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians + Love old Independence Square? + + Splendid are its walks and grass-plots + Where the bootblacks base-ball play, + And its seats resembling toad-stools, + On which loafers lounge all day, + Waiting for their luck, or gazing + At the office of the Mayor-- + Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians + Love old Independence Square? + + Then, behold the fine old State-house + Cleanly kept inside and out, + Where the faithful office-holders + Squirt tobacco-juice about: + Placards highly ornamental + Decorate its outward wall-- + Don't, oh! don't the Philadelphians + Love old Independence Hall? + + O! ye gods and little fishes! + Could bill-sticker be so vile + As to paste up nasty posters + On the sacred classic pile? + Greece and Rome yet have their relics, + But what are they? very small. + Never half so venerated + As old Independence Hall. + + * * * * * + +PERIODICAL LITERATURE. + +PUNCHINELLO has hitherto refrained from criticising the periodicals of +the day, from the mistaken idea that superlative excellence was not +expected in every number of every daily or weekly journal in the land. +He did not know that, if every such journal was not edited so as to suit +the comprehension of all classes of cursory critics, it should be +unqualifiedly condemned. Supposing that a painter should not condemn a +paper for publishing a musical article beyond his comprehension, and +that an architect ought not to get in a rage because he finds in his +favorite journal a paper on beavers which makes him feel insignificant, +PUNCHINELLO has generally looked around upon his fellow-journalists, and +thought them very good fellows, who generally published very good +papers. He did not find superlative excellence in any of their issues, +but then he did not look for it. He might as well pretend to look for +that in the journalists themselves, or in society at large. But he has +lately learned, from the critics of the period, that he ought to look +for it, and that it is the proper thing nowadays to pitch into every +journal which does not, in every part, please every body, whether they +be smart or dull; those quick of appreciation, or those slow gentlemen +who always come in with their congratulations upon the birth of a joke +at the time its funeral is taking place. And so, PUNCHINELLO will do as +others do, and will occasionally view, from the loop-hole in his +curtain, the successes and failures of his neighbors, and will give his +patrons the benefit of his observations. + +The first thing he notices to-day is, that the _Evening Snail_ of last +night is not so good as it was a fortnight ago; or, let us think a +bit--it may have been a good number at the beginning of last month that +he was thinking of; at all events, this last issue is inferior. The +matter on the first page is not printed in nearly as good type as the +original periodicals had it, and while the letters in the heading are +quite fair, it is very noticeable that the I's are very defective, and +there is no C in it. The "Gleanings" are excellent, and it would be +advisable to have more of them--if indeed such a thing were possible in +this case. The spider-work inside shows no acquaintance with the +writings of BACH or GLIDDON, and there is nothing about the Spectrum +Analysis in any part of the paper. Besides, the paper is too stiff and +rattles too much, and PUNCHINELLO could never abide the color of the +editor's pantaloons. Why will not people dress and write so that every +body can admire and understand them. Especially in regard to witty +things and breastpins They ought to be loud, overpowering, and so +glaring that people could not help seeing them. And they ought to be a +little cheap, too, or average people won't comprehend them. In both +cases paste (and scissors) pays better than diamonds. The reports of +private parties in the _Snail_ are, however, very good, and if it would +confine its original matter to such subjects, it could not fail to +succeed. + + * * * * * + +A Query for Physicians. + +Are people's tastes apt to become Vichy-ated by the excessive use of +certain mineral waters? + + * * * * * + +"Behold, how Pleasant a Thing 't is," etc. + +Boston has a couple of clergymen who have fallen out upon matters not +precisely theological. In the summer, the Rev. Mr. MURRAY leaves his +sheep, to shoot deer by torchlight in the Adirondacks. This the Rev. Mr. +ALGER, in addressing the Suppression of Cruelty to Animals Society, +denounces as extremely wicked. From all which Mr. PUNCHINELLO, taking up +his discourse, infers, + +_First_. That it is a great deal more wicked to shoot deer by torchlight +than by daylight. + +_Secondly_. That the Rev. MURRAY and the Rev. ALGER are of different +religious persuasions. + +_Thirdly and lastly_. That the Rev. Mr. ALGER doesn't love venison. + +P. S. Persons desiring to present Mr. PUNCHINELLO with a fine haunch, +(in the season,) may shoot it by daylight, moonlight, torchlight, or by +a Drummond light, as most convenient. + + * * * * * + +We are indebted to Mr. SARONY for a number of brilliant photographs of +celebrities of the day. Lovely woman is well represented the batch, with +all the characters of which PUNCHINELLO hopes to present his readers, +from time to time. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New-York. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALL ABOARD FOR HOLLAND!] + +PUNCHINELLO understands that a performance is soon to take place at the +Academy of Music, for the benefit of GEORGE HOLLAND, the well-known and +ever-green "veteran" of "the stage." It pleases PUNCHINELLO to know that +a combination of talent and beauty is to be brought together for so +worthy a purpose. Seventy-four years ago, when GEORGE HOLLAND was a +small child, PUNCHINELLO used to dandle him upon his knee. Hardly four +years have passed since PUNCHINELLO was convulsed by the _Tony Lumpkin_ +of HOLLAND. He distinctly remembers, too, administering hot whiskey +punch to little boy HOLLAND with a tea-spoon, which may in some measure +account for the Spirit subsequently infused by the capital comedian into +the numerous bits of character presented by him. Considering these +facts, it is manifestly an incumbent duty on the part of PUNCHINELLO to +request the earnest attention of his readers to the subject of GEORGE +HOLLAND'S benefit, all particulars concerning which will be given due +time through the public press. It used to be said, long ago, that "the +Dutch have taken Holland," Well, let our own modern Knickerbockers +improve upon that notion, by taking HOLLAND'S tickets. Remember how, +in the early settlement of the country, it was Holland that made +New-York, and see that New-York now returns the compliment, and makes +HOLLAND. Convivial songsters frequently remind us that-- + + --"a Hollander's draught should potent be, + And deep as the rolling Zuyder Zee." + +Mind this, all ye Hollanders who would give your support to our HOLLAND. +Let your drafts be potent, your cheeks heavy, your attendance punctual. +Make the affair complete; so that when, here-after, a comparison is +sought for something that has been a sued people will say of it--"As big +as that Bumper of HOLLAND'S." + + * * * * * + +ASTRONOMICAL CONVERSATIONS. + +(BY A FATHER AND DAUGHTER RESIDING ON THE PLANET VENUS.) + +No. I. + +FATHER (_to_ DAUGHTER, _who is looking through a telescope_.) Yes HELENE, +that is the Planet Tellus, or Earth. The darker streaks are land; the +bright spots, water. We begin with a low power, which shows only the +masses; presently you will have the pleasure of discriminating not only +rivers and chains of mountains, but cities--single houses--even Human +Beings! Yes, you shall this very night read page of PUNCHINELLO, a paper +so bright that every word appears surrounded by a halo! + +DAUGHTER. O father! do that _now_. How delightful, to actually read the +works of these singular creature's, and become familiar with their +extraordinary ideas! Were the scintillations you spoke of the other +night, that were seen all over the Western Continent, the result of the +flashing of these radiant pages? + +F. Undoubtedly, my child; they began with the first issue of the paper, +and have since regularly increased in brightness, just as It has. + +D. It really seems as though Earth would answer for a Moon, by and by, at +this rate! + +F. You are quite right, HELENE; it will. Or say, rather, a Sun. For you +will observe that it is a _warm_ light; not cool, as reflected light +always is. It is Original. + +D. Well, this shows that PUNCHINELLO must have some Heart, as well as +Head. Come, put on your highest power now, and let us seem to pay good +old Tellus a visit! + +[_The indulgent Father complies, and, is at some pains to adjust the +focus_.] + +F. Now, dear! take a good look. + +D. (_Looking intently_.) Oh! how splendid--how splendid! _Do_ see the +beautiful things in those Shop Windows! It must be the Spring Season +there! _Do_ see those lovely lumps on the backs of those creatures' +heads! What place is it, Father? + +F. That? It's New-York; and the street is the famous Broadway. + +D. O dear! how I _would_ like to go shopping there, this minute!--for I +see it is afternoon in that quarter. Is there no way of getting +there?(!!!) + +F. (_Laughing heartily_.) Well, well, HELENE! That's pretty good, for +the daughter of an astronomer! Do you know that at this precise moment +you are Forty-five Million, Six Hundred and Fifty-four Thousand, Four +Hundred and Ninety-one Miles and a half from those Muslins! I'll tell +you, Sis, what _could_ be done: Drop a line to the Editor of +PUNCHINELLO, and tell him what you want. He'll get it, some way. + +D. That I will, instantly! [_Turns to her portfolio, while her father +turns to the telescope_.] + +"DEAR MR. EDITOR: Pardon the seeming _boldness_ of a _stranger:_ you are +no _stranger to me!_ Long, _long_ have I deceived that _good man_, my +father, by _pretending_ to know _nothing_ of the Earth, or of his +_instrument!_ Many and _many_ a night, _unknown to him_, have I gone to +the _Telescope_, to satisfy the _restless craving_ I feel to know more +of _your Planet_, and of a _person of your sex_ whom I have _often_ +beheld, and watched with _eagerness_ as he came and went. How +_thrilling_ the thought, that he cannot even _know of my existence_, and +that we are _forever separated!_ This, good and _dear_ Editor, is my one +Thought, my one great Agony. + +"It has occurred to me that, in this _dreadful_ situation--my Passion +being sufficiently Hopeless, as any one may see--you might at least +afford me some slight _alleviation_, by undertaking to let Him know of +the _interest_ he excites in this far-off star! Let me describe my +charmer, so that you will be able to identify him. He is of fair size, +with a rolling gait and a smiling countenance, has light hair and +complexion, wears often a White Hat, (on the back of his head--where +Thoughtful men always place the hat, I've been told by observers,) and +now and then carelessly leaves one leg of his trowsers at the top of his +boot. I have often seen him, with a bundle of papers in his pocket, +entering a large building with the words "_Tribune_ Office" over the +door--and I _adore_ him! O excellent Editor! tell him this, I _implore_ +you! Be kind to your distant and _love-lorn_ friend, + +HELENE." + +F. What did you say, Helene? + +D. I was saying that I wished to look a little longer at the fashions in +Broadway. + +F. Well, well--I believe the Fashions are all that these women think of! +There--look away! I presume they have changed considerably since you +looked before! When do you wish to begin your lessons in Astronomy? + +D. Next week. Father; let me see: we will say, next week--Thursday. + +F. Very well; I shall remind you. + +D. (_who is determined to have the last word, any way_.) Very well. + + * * * * * + +Beach's Soliloquy on entering his Pneumatic Chamber. + +"TU-BE or not tu-be." + + * * * * * + +Reflection by a Tallow-chandler. + +Though a man be the Mould of fashion, yet he cannot light himself to bed +by the Dip in his back. + + * * * * * + +PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +[Illustration: 'M'] + +_MEN AND ACRES,_ the new comedy at WALLACK'S, is one of the best of +TAYLOR'S pieces, and a decided improvement upon the carpenter work of +BOUCICAULT. It has been rechristened by Mr. WALLACK, and its former +name--_Old Men and New Acres, or New Aches and Old Manors,_ or something +else of that sort--has been conveniently shortened. If it does not +convince us that the author has improved since he first began to write +plays, it certainly reminds us that there is such a thing as _Progress_. +In the latter play, Mr. J.W. WALLACK was a civil engineer. In the +present drama, he is an uncivil tradesman. Both appeal to the levelling +tendencies of the age; and in each, the author has done his "level +best"--as Mr. GRANT WHITE would say--to flatter the Family Circle at the +expense of the Boxes. + +The cast includes a Vague Baronet and his Managing Wife, their Slangy +Daughter, their Unpleasant Neighbor and his wife and daughter, an +Unintelligible Dutchman, an Innocuous Youth, a Disagreeable Lawyer, and +the Merchant Prince. This is the sort of way in which they conduct +themselves, + +_Act_ 1. _Disagreeable Lawyer to Vague Baronet:_ "You are ruined, and +your estate is mortgaged to a Merchant Prince. What do you intend to +do?" + +_Vague Baronet._ "I will ask my wife what I think about it." + +_Enter Managing Wife._ "Ruined, are we? Allow me to remark, +Fiddlesticks! Get the Merchant to take our third-story hall-bedroom for +a week, and I'll soon clear off the mortgage." + +_Enter Slangy Daughter._ "O ma! there was such a precious guy at the +ball last night, and I had no end of a lark with him. Good gracious! +here comes the duffer himself." + +_Enter Merchant Prince. (Aside.)_ "So here's the Vague Baronet and his +wife. And there's the slangy girl I fell in love with. Nice lot they +are!" (_To Managing Wife._) "Madam, there is nothing, so grand as the +majesty of trade. Your rank and blood are all gammon. We Merchant +Princes are the only people fit to live. However, I'll condescend to +speak to you." + +_Managing Wife. (Aside.)_ "How noble! What a gentlemanly person he +really is!" _(To Merchant Prince.)_ "Sir, I bid you welcome. Here is my +daughter, who was just praising your beauty and accomplishments. I leave +you to entertain her." (_Exeunt Baronet, Wife, and Lawyer_.) + +_Merchant Prince (placing his chair next to Slangy Daughter's, and +leaning his elbow on her.)_ "There is nothing like trade. We tradesmen +alone are great. We despise the whole lot of clean and idle aristocrats. +I keep a Gin Palace in Liverpool. Does your bloated aristocracy do half +as much for suffering humanity?" + +_Slangy Daughter._ "Speak on, speak ever thus, O Noble Being! It's +awfully jolly!" + +_Curtain falls, and Baker wakes up to lead his orchestra through the +mazes of "Shoo Fly."_ + + +_Appreciative Lady._ "Isn't it nice? Miss HENRIQUES'S dress is perfectly +beautiful, and it sounds so cunning to hear her talk slang." + +_Second Appreciative Lady._ "How handsome ROCKWELL looks! Just like a +real baronet, my dear!" + +_Other Appreciative Ladies._ "The dresses at WALLACK'S are always +perfectly exquisite. I mean to have my next dress made with a green silk +fichu, a moire antique bertha, and little point lace peplums and +gussets, just like Miss MESTAYER'S. Won't it be sweet?" + +_All the Counter-Jumpers in the Theatre._ "JIM WALLACK'S the boy! Don't +he talk up to those aristocratic snobs, though?" + + +_Act 2. Enter Unpleasant Neighbor and Unintelligible German. The former +says,_ "You're sure there's an iron mine on the Baronet's land?" + +_Unintelligible German._ "Ya! Das ist um-um-um." + +_Enter Merchant Prince and Slangy Daughter. Exeunt the other fellows._ + +_Merchant Prince._ "There is nothing like the grandeur of trade; and yet +we tradesmen are not proud. See! I offer to marry you." + +_Slangy daughter._ "I love you wildly! _(Aside.)_ I do hope he won't +rumple my hair." + +_Merchant Prince._ "Come to my arrums! The majesty of trade is so +infinitely above any thing else"--_and so forth._ + +_Enter Managing Wife._ "Take her, noble Merchant, and be happy +_(Aside.)_ This settles the affair of the mortgage." _(To Daughter)_ +"Come, darling, we'll go and tell your father." _(They go.)_ + +_Enter Unpleasant Neighbor._ "Here's a telegram for you. No bad news, I +hope?" + +_Merchant Prince._ "I am ruined unless you lend me L40,000. Do it, and I +will assign to you the mortgage on the baronet's property. The majesty +of trade is something which"-- + +_Unpleasant Neighbor._ "Here it is." _(Aside.)_ "Now I'll get possession +of the estate and the iron-mine." + +_Enter Managing Wife._ "Ruined, are you? Of course you can't have my +daughter now." + +_Merchant Prince._ "I resign her. We tradesmen are infinitely greater +than you aristocrats." + +_Curtain falls, Baker wakes up. "Shoo Fly" by the Orchestra, and remarks +on dress by the ladies as before. Counter-jumpers go out to drink to the +majesty of trade, having grown perceptibly taller since the play began._ + + +_Act 3. Unprincipled Neighbor to Unintelligible Dutchman._ "Have you got +the analysis of the iron ore?" + +_Unintelligible Dutchman._ "Ya! Das its um-um-um." + +_Unprincipled Neighbor._ "All right! Now I'll foreclose the mortgage, +and will be richer than ever." + +_Enter Vague Baronet, and Wife and Daughter, and Lawyer. To them +collectively remarks the Unprincipled Neighbor,_ "The mortgage is due. +As you can't pay, you've got to move out." + +_Disagreeable Lawyer._ "Not much! Here's an analysis of iron ore found +on our land. We raised money on the mine, and are ready to pay off the +mortgage." + +_Enter Merchant Prince._ "Here's an analysis of the iron ore. I told +them all about it. We tradesmen are great, but we will sometimes help +even a wretched aristocrat." + +_Slangy Daughter._ "Here's an analysis of the iron ore. Now I will marry +my noble Merchant, and make him rich again; for there's dead loads of +iron on the Governor's land, you bet!" + +_They all produce analyses of the ore, and the play itself being o'er, +the curtain falls._ + + +_Exasperated critic, who has sent for twelve seats, and has been +politely refused._ "I'd like to abuse it, if there was a chance; but +there isn't. The play is really good, and I can't find much fault with +the acting. However, I'll pitch into STODDARD for swearing, which his +'Unprincipled Neighbor' does to an unnecessary extent, and I'll say that +JIM WALLACK is too old and gouty to play the 'Merchant Prince,' and +doesn't quite forget that he used to play in the Bowery." + +_Every body else._ "Did you ever see a play better acted? And did you +ever see actresses better dressed?" + +And PUNCHINELLO is constrained to answer the latter question with an +emphatic No! As to the acting, it might be improved were Mr. STODDARD to +play the character for which he is cast, instead of insisting upon +playing nothing but STODDARD. But to all the rest of the actors, not +forgetting Mr. RINGGOLD, who plays the insignificant part of the +"Innocuous Youth," PUNCHINELLO is pleased to accord his gracious +approval. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +A Balmy Idea. + +According to Miss ANTHONY, the crying evil with women is that they will +blubber; but it must be remembered that out of this blubber they make +oil to pour into our conjugal wounds. + + * * * * * + +A Suit for Damages. + +Any clothes in a storm. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLITICAL MILL-ENNIUM.] + + * * * * * + +HINTS UPON HIGH ART. + +Observant visitors to the National Academy of Design will allow that a +tendency to greatness is beginning to develop itself in certain +directions among our artists. In landscape some of them are almost +immense. The works of PORPHYRO warm the walls with rays of splendor, or +cool the lampooned sight-line with pearly gradations, as the case may +be. MANDRAKE renders feelingly the summer uplands and groves, and +SILVERBARK the melancholy autumnal woods. BYTHESEA infuses with +sentiment even the blue wreaths of smoke that curl up from the distant +ridge against which loom the concentrated lovers that he selects for his +idyllic romances. Gushingly he does his work, but thoroughly; and there +are other flowers than lackadaisies to be discerned in his herbage. +GUSTIBUS blows gently the foliage aside, and gives us glimpses through +it of rural contentment in connection with a mill, or some other +interesting object beyond. The pencil of SAGEGREEN imbues canvases, both +large and small, with infinite variety and force; and it is to +SKETCHMORE that the great lakes owe their remarkable reputation as +pieces of water with poems growing out of their broad lily-pads. Very +tender are the pastoral banks and brooksides of LEAFHOPPER. ELFINLOCKS +takes up his pencil, and lo! a hazy, mazy, lazy, dreamy vista where it +has touched. But hold! Our critical Incubus has taken the bit between +her teeth, and is beginning to run away with us. Stop that; and let our +readers enumerate the other first American landscape painters for +themselves. + +Not so strong are our artists in domestic incidents and compositions of +life and character. We have STUNNINGTON, to be sure, whose traits of +American expression, whether white or colored, are most true to the +life; and there's BARLEYMOW, who will twist you an eclogue from the tail +of his foreground pig. Others there be; but space has its limits, and we +forbear. + +As for our portrait limners, their name is Legion, and that +comprehensive name must go for all. Like BENVENUTO CELLINI they shall be +known for their jugs; and their transmission to posterity on the heads +of families is a thing to be reckoned on as sure. + +For the higher flights of art the American painter is by no manner of +means endowed with the wings of his native eagle--wings that agitate the +cerulean vault, spattering it with splashes of creamy cloud-spray, and +churning into butter the stretches of the Milky Way. History has indeed +been illustrated by American art, but has it been enriched? The +WASHINGTONS and the WEBSTERS, the CLAYS and the LINCOLNS, have had their +memories dreadfully lampooned on canvas. Allegory does not inspire the +great American pencil. Tall art there is, and enough of it "at that;" +but of high art we have none to speak of, except the canvases that are +placed over doorways in the galleries of the Academy, and, in the sense +of elevation, may consequently be spoken of as high. All this is wrong. +Alas! that we should write it. Would that we could right it! And to +think of the musty subjects that our historical and allegorical men +select. Ho! young men--away with your CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS; relegate +your METAMORA to his proper limbo; let WASHINGTON alone; and LINCOLN; +and OSCEOLA the Savage; and POCAHONTAS, and all the rest. Leave them +alone; and, taking fresh subjects, dip your brushes in brains, as old +OPIE or somebody else said, and go to work with a will. No fresh +subjects to be had, you say? Bosh! absurd interlocutor that you are. +Here's a bundle of 'em ready cut to hand. We charge you no money for +them, and you may take your choice. + +SUBJECTS FOR WORKS OF HIGH ART. + +PROVIDENCE tempering the wind to the shorn lamb. + +ABSENCE OF MIND marking a box of paper shirt-collars with indelible ink. + +MILTON "going it blind." + +The late Mr. WILLIAM COBBETT teaching his sons to shave with cold water. + +ST. PATRICK emptying the snakes out of his boots. + +TRUE LOVE never running smooth. + +NO MAN acting _Hero_ to his _valet de chambre_. + +ROBERT BONNER taking DEXTER by the forelock with one hand, and TIME with +the other. + +Subjects like these might be worked out to advantage. The field in which +they are to be found is almost unlimited; and they possess abundantly +the two grand essentials to success in art at the present time, as well +as in literature--novelty and sensation. + + * * * * * + +H.G. and Terpsichore. + +AMONG the strange revelations about _Tribune_ people elicited during the +MCFARLAND trial, was the bit of gossip about Mr. GREELEY going to +Saratoga to "trip the light fantastic toe." That Mr. GREELEY'S toe is +"fantastic," every body who has ever inspected his "Congress gaiters" +must know, but as to its lightness we have our doubts. "What I know +about dancing" would be a capital subject for H.G. to handle, and we +hope that he will take Steps for doing it. + + * * * * * + +Sweeny's New Charter. + + How doth the busy Peter B., + Improve each shining hour! + From nettled young Democracy, + He plucks the safety-flower. + + * * * * * + +From Rome. + +The POPE is said to be "out of Spirits." Why doesn't he come to +New-York, where he can get plenty of the article, either in the sense of +the Tap or in that of the Rap? + + * * * * * + +"He who was Born to be Hanged," etc. + +On one of the mornings of the MCFARLAND trial, a very importunate person +attempted to force his way into the court-room, which, as he was told, +was already crowded "to suffocation." To this he retorted that he +"wasn't born to be suffocated." That's in substance what the late JACK +REYNOLDS said, and _he_ was mistaken. + + * * * * * + +The Difference. + +Rice riots are reported as raging in all the ports of Japan. Rye was the +principal mover in the famous conscription riots of New-York. + + * * * * * + +A Celestial Idea. + +No wonder the Chinese theatre in San Francisco is a success, considering +how skilful the actors must be in catching the Cue. + + * * * * * + +JUMBLES. + +Did you ever hear of my friend BOOTSBY? "No." That's rather queer. I +see--you've been out of town. BOOTSBY is a man of standing--of decided +standing, I may say. He stands, in fact, a great deal. The heavy +standing round he does is enormous when the limited capacity of a single +mortal is taken in view. BOOTSBY stands round among every class of +people, and especially of politicians and potationers. He stands round +to talk, to hear, and especially to drink. The power of the man in this +last matter is wonderful, and the puzzle is, that his standing (and +perpendicularity) is not perceptibly affected. Of course there are times +when BOOTSBY'S standing is not so good. In so slippery a place as Wall +Street, it is found to be less certain; while in a crowd on Broadway, +waiting for a bus, it cannot be said to maintain a very remarkable +firmness. But as a whole, and as the world goes, BOOTSBY is a man of +standing. In the altitude of six feet ten, he may be called a man of +high standing. He feels proud of the fact. "Is it not better to be a +mountain than a mole?" he often asks in a proudly sneering manner of his +neighbor PUGGS, who is about as far up in the world as the top of a +yard-stick. It is very true that size is not quality, and a seven-footer +may be no better than a three-footer; but it is observed that a Short +Man is rarely any thing else. His stature is his measure throughout. My +own impression of myself is, that I don't care to be short; but if the +alternative were forced upon me, I should choose that of person rather +than of purse. BOOTSBY does not care much about money, and he carries +very little. Some people are like BOOTSBY, but most people are not. The +ladies, it is true, never, or rarely, want money. Like newspapers and +club-houses, they are self-supporting. In fact they surround themselves +with supporters which stay tightly. Mrs. TODD is peculiar in her wants +pecuniary. She, good soul, never wants (or keeps) money long, but she +doesn't want it _little_. She prefers it like onions, in a large bunch, +and strong. The reason why most women do not want money is because they +have no use for it. They never dress; they never wear jewelry; silks and +satins have no charms in their eyes; laces, ribbons, shawls never tempt. +To exist and walk upright in simpleness and quiet is the sum of their +desires. Dear creatures! how is it that they never want? + +My neighbor, Mr. DROWSE, desires to know where you get all your funny +things for PUNCHINELLO? He knows they are there, does Mr. DROWSE; for he +gets my copy of the penny postman, and he keeps it, too. It is the only +good taste my neighbor has displayed of late years. I tell Mr. DROWSE +that you make your fun. He further asks, Where? I tell him in the +attic--up there where they keep the salt. He desires to know the size of +attic. Of course he has never seen your noble, capacious, alabaster +forehead, else he would perceive the source of those scintillations of +light and warmth which radiate throughout the universe every Saturday +for only ten cents. He is curious also to know about the salt, and +doesn't comprehend how or where you use it. He used to use it when a boy +in catching birds by putting the briny compound on the tails of the +same, and _that_ he used to call "fun alive;" but he don't see it--the +salt--about PUNCHINELLO. I suspect Mr. DROWSE doesn't see the sellers, +(certainly he avoids them when PUNCHINELLO is offered, much to my +mortification, and one dime to my cost,) and so is not likely to discern +the source of the fun. I merely informed Mr. DROWSE that the editor was +very tall, very handsome, with very black skin and rosy hair, (at which +he opened his eyes with astonishment, and asked if I meant so; at which +I said, "Yes, I guess so,") and that he laughed out of his nose, eyes, +head, and hands, as well as his mouth. DROWSE wants to see the editor +very much. He has seen men with black skins and hearts, (for he used to +know lots of politicians;) but wants to put his vision on some "rosy +hair"--and when he does, no doubt his gaze will be fixed. It is healthy +sometimes to have the gaze fixed; and often, like sauce-pans and +sermons, it has to be fixed. When Mr. DROWSE calls at 83, please show +him in Parlor 6 with the Brussels, fresco-work, and lace curtains. + +April is a model month. So serene, steady, clear, and balmy. Nothing +but blue sky, gentle zephyrs, kissing breezes, genial suns by day and +sparkling stars by night. PUNCHINELLO no doubt likes sparkling +stars--stars of magnitude--stars that show what they are. PUNCHINELLO +perhaps goes to NIBLO'S, and not only sees plenty stars, but plenty of +them. But of April. It is called "fickle;" but that's a slander. "Every +thing by turns and nothing long"--that is a libel on which a suit could +be hung. The same vile falsehood is cruelly uttered of some women, when +every body knows, or should know, that these same women are nothing of +the sort. Who ever knew a fickle woman? + +Where in history is there record of such an Impossibility? Fickle--that +implies a change of mind. What woman ever changed her mind any more than +her hands? Nonsense, avaunt!--banished be slander! April is _not_ +fickle--woman is _not_ fickle. As one is evenly beautiful, divinely +serene, bewitchingly winning, so is the other sunny, cerulean, balmy, +paradisiacal. April for ever--after that the rest of the calendar. + +Does PUNCHINELLO believe in the Woman Movement? TODD does. He believes +woman should move as much as man; and he regards her movement in such +numbers to the great West as full of hope (and husbands) for the sex. +Mrs. TODD has not as yet been irresistibly seized by the movement; but +if TIMOTHY knows himself, he longs for the day when the seizer may come. +Although TODD--who is the writer of this epistle--says it, who perhaps +shouldn't, lest the shaft of egotism be hurled mercilessly at him, he +does unhesitatingly say that to aid this movement he would make the +greatest of sacrifices. He is willing to sacrifice his wife and other +female relations upon the sacred altar of the movement, and contribute +liberally to the expense thereof. He is quite willing they should +vote--early and often, if need be; but he wishes to see the movement go +westward like the Star of Empire--westward _via_ cheerful Chicago. TODD +trusts PUNCHINELLO will espouse this movement; for if it does, it--the +movement, no less than PUNCHINELLO--will go straight onward and upward; +but not by the route known as the Spout. + +Mucilage is a good thing. It is now extensively used in Church, State, +and Society. We use it largely at the Veneerfront Avenue Church, of +which Rev. Dr. ALEXANDER PLASTERWELL is pastor. Of course, Mr. +PUNCHINELLO, you know that distinguished church, and have no doubt often +listened to the distinguished Dr. PLASTERWELL. He is a kind man, has a +high forehead, a Roman (Burgundy) nose, and a sweet, soft head--I should +say heart. He has--great and good man--the largest faith in mucilage. He +often makes it a text, and he sticks to it, he does--does Dr. +PLASTERWELL. Nothing like mucilage, PUNCHINELLO. It is the hope of the +human race, and the salvation of woman. It is the Philosopher's Stone in +solution; the essence and link which connects and cements all that is +great, good, and lovely, in the past, present, and future. At least, +such is the humble opinion of + +TIMOTHY TODD. + + * * * * * + +HINTS TO CAR CONDUCTORS. + +When standing in Printing House Square, your destination being Grand +Street Perry or Bleecker Street, if a stranger asks whether you are +going to Harlem, nod, as it is considered improper to answer in the +negative. If he finds out the mistake, you can plead deafness. + +When called upon to stop, never attempt to comply. There are several +reasons why you should not. In the first place, if you did stop, it +would show that you have no will of your own, and since the passage of +the Fifteenth Amendment, _all_ men are equal in this country. + +You may stop about two blocks from the place named, just to please +yourself and prove your independence; but take particular care to start +the car when the passenger is half off the steps. If there is a young +surgeon in the neighborhood, you can enter into an arrangement to break +arms and legs in this way with impunity, have the maimed "carried into +the surgery," and share the fees with the operator. Occasional cases of +manslaughter may take place; but don't mind that, as coroners' juries in +New-York will return verdicts of "death from natural causes." Besides +this, remember that you have a vote, and that both coroners and judges +are dependent upon the people. When a lame old gentleman hails you, +beckon him furiously to come on, but be sure, at the same time, to urge +the driver to greater speed. + +It is no part of your business to have change, so never give any, but +drive on: people should provide for and look after their own business +and that is none of yours. + +Always drive through the centre of a target company or funeral +procession, never minding whether you kill one or more, and then abuse +the captain or the undertaker for his stupidity. + +By the adoption of these essential rules, and by adding a good deal of +incivility, you will soon reach the top of the wheel of your profession +and in due time have a testimonial presented to you by an admiring and +grateful public. + + * * * * * + +Out in the Cold. + +Commissioner Tweed proposes a new outside Bureau of the Department of +Public Works, for late-Commissioner MCLEAN. He is to be Superintendent +of Refrigerators. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LANDING OF THE PILGRIMS. + +ENGRAVED BY SPECIAL PERMISSION FOR PUNCHINELLO, FROM THE ORIGINAL +PAINTING, BY MILES STANDISH, IN THE COLLECTION OF METHUSELAH PILGRIM, +ESQ., OF PILGRIMSVILLE, MASS.] + + * * * * * + +TO CAPTAIN HALL. + +(IN ANTICIPATION OF HIS TRIP TO THE POLE.) + + HALL! HALL! + D'ye hear our call? + Or, do you fancy it to be + A weather sign--merely the pre- + Monition of a squall + At sea! + HALL! + + You pay no heed at all. + Nevertheless, O hardy mariner! + (A Snow-Bird brings this with our kindest love,) + We're sorry you prefer + Those frigid walks (ever so far above + The 80th parallel, we guess!) + To stocks, and tariffs, and domestic bliss; + Yes, yes, + Captain, we're sorry it has come to this! + + Why do you madly thirst + For grog that's chopped up with a hatchet? say! + And tell us of the first + Strange thought which spurred you to go up that way! + Was it the hope that on some icy coast + (Frozen, yourself, almost!) + You'd have the luck to meet poor FRANKLIN'S ghost? + + And has it seemed, sometimes, + That drowning might be pleasanter up there + Among the icebergs, native to those climes, + Than where + The surf breaks gently on some coral-reef, + And sirens sweetly soothe one's slow despair? + Say, was that your belief? + + And who is BENT?[*] + Why was _he_ sent, + With his Warm Currents wheeling round the Pole? + A long, long race must his disciples run: + No sun, + No fun, + No chance to toss a word to any one; + And what a goal? + + As hopefully you munch + The flinty biscuit, watching whale or seal, + Or listening, undaunted, to the crunch + Of ice-floes at the keel, + Say, Sir Intrepid! shall you really think + You pioneer the navies of the world? + Not while the chink + Of well-housed dollars sounds so pleasantly, + And safer tracks map out the treacherous sea! + If that's your dream, oh! let your sails be furled. + + But, no! + It is not this! Your spirit, high and bold, + Scorning all tamer joys, will have it so! + No cold + Can chill its ardor! Such a soul would sate + Its deathless craving in some lofty flight, + Some deed sublime, and read its shining fate + By the Aurora's light! + For fruitful fellowship, it seeks the wild, + The frozen waste, + Where the world's venturous heroes--reconciled + To sunless, shuddering gloom-- + To joyless solitude--with ardor taste + Their dread delights! and so at last find room, + 'Mid nodding icebergs, for their watery tomb! + + For this, we spare you, + O dauntless HALL! Once having breathed that air + So pure, so fresh, so rare! + And caught the wildness of the Esquimaux, + We declare you + Unfit to live where beans and lettuce grow! + Leave delving to the little pitiful mole, + Great soul! + And now, then, for the Pole! + +[Footnote *: Captain BENT, of Cincinnati, originator of the new theory +of Polar Currents.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINANCIAL RELIEF + +MR. BUMBLE BOUTWELL TO MRS. CORNEY FISH. _(See Oliver Twist.)_ "THE GREAT +PRINCIPLE OF FINANCIAL RELIEF IS TO GIVE THE BUSINESS MEN EXACTLY WHAT +THEY DON'T WANT: THEN THEY GET TIRED OF COMING."] + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +MR. SUMNER said he was the friend of the oppressed. That, as was well +known, was his regular business. Unfortunately, the Fifteenth Amendment +had rendered the colored man incapable of being hereafter regarded as an +oppressed creature. He was sorry, but it could not be helped. He was +therefore forced to go down the chromatic scale of creation and find +another class of clients. He found them in cattle. HOMER had sung about +the ox-eyed Juno, and WALTER WHITMAN about bob veal. COWPER had remarked +that he would not number in his list of friends the man who needlessly +set foot upon a cow. He mentioned these things merely to show that +railway companies had no right to starve cattle. He proposed an +amendment to the Constitution, to provide that a dinner of at least +three courses should be given to cows daily. Mr. DRAKE was heartily in +favor of the proposition. He had got his feet in a web, so to speak, by +paddling in the political waters of Missouri, and some people had gone +so far as to call him "quack." He demanded redress. + +Mr. WILSON didn't see the use of all this legislation to protect +animals. Animals had no votes, although he admitted a partial exception, +in that every bull, it had its ballot. But he had something practical. +Here was a jolly job, the Pacific Railway grant. There was a good deal +more in it than they had made out of any other GRANT. Mr. THURMAN'S +suggestion, that this land ought to be occupied by actual settlers, he +scorned. "Actual settlers" were of a great deal more use to him in +Massachusetts, where they could vote for him, than in the territories, +where that boon would not be extended to them. It was much better that +they should be occupied by imaginary settlers, who could pay and not +vote. Actual "settlings" were the dregs of humanity. + +The Georgia bill came up, as it does every day with much more regularity +than luncheon. The Senate has succeeded in muddling it to that degree of +unintelligibility that nobody has the slightest notion what it provides. +It is, therefore, in a condition to give rise to infinite debate. After +several senators had said enough for a foundation for thirty columns +each in the _Globe,_ they let it go for the present. The present was the +one promised by Senator WILSON in return for the Pacific Railway grab +grant. + +HOUSE. + +The House is given over to the tariff. A very indelicate discussion has +been had upon corsets. Mr. BROOKS was of opinion that the corset would +tariff it were subjected to any more strain in the way of duties. Mr. +MARSHALL remarked that the corset avoided a great deal of Waist. It was +whalebone of his bone, or something of that sort. It was one of the main +Stays of our social system. + +Mr. SCHENCK made another speech. He ripped up the foreign corset in a +truculent manner. He said that American corsets were far superior, only +American women had not the sense to see it. The effect of taking off the +duty on corsets would be to take off the corsets. + +Mr. BROOKS called the hooks and ayes on the corsets. Mr. SCHENCK opposed +the call. He had found a simple tape much preferable. He wished a +coffer-dam might be put upon the roaring BROOKS. + +Somebody at this point brought up a contested election case; but Mr. +LOGAN objected to its being considered. What, he asked, was the use of +wasting time? There was money in the tariff. There was no money at all +in voting a Democrat out, and a Republican in. They could do that any +day in five minutes. His friend Mr. BUTLER had recently remarked, one +Democrat more or less made no difference. But Mr. BUTLER forgot that the +larger the majority, the larger the divisor for spoils, and therefore +the smaller the quotient and the "dividend." He did not know much about +arithmetic. He had never been at West Point; but he believed that a +million dollars, for instance, would go further and fare worse among two +hundred men than among three. If the House were not careful, there would +be a glut of Republicans in it, and the shares would be pitifully +meagre. As for him, he had a great mind, (derisive cheers)--he repeated, +that he had a great mind to vote for a Democrat next time. + +In spite of Mr. LOGAN'S warning, the House voted in a couple or so of +Republicans, and then resumed the duty on wool. + +Mr. Cox thought this wool had been pulled over the eyes of the house +often enough. It reminded him of an expedition, of which Mr. LOGAN had +never heard, in search of a "Golden Fleece." + +Mr. JENCKES, and Mr. SCHENCK, and Mr. KELLEY called him to order in +behalf of their constituents, who were in the wool business, and said +that "wool" in one form or another had always been the staple of their +political career. + +Mr. BUTLER said he had a little game worth two of that. He wanted to buy +San Domingo. In this there were plenty of commissions, and hundreds of +thousands of colored votes. + + * * * * * + +FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT. + +ALDERMANIC RECEPTION UP-TOWN. + + CAESAR, walk in! Ah POMPEY! how d'e do? + This way, CLEM! Gentlemen, please walk right through! + GEORGE, how's your mother? Fine day, PETE--fine day! + Well, how are things down there at Oyster Bay? + + Ah AUNTIE! how's your rheumatiz, this spring? + Well, Mr. JOHNSON, did you try that sling? + Why, this is Uncle STEVE! How-do-you-do. + Uncle? Sit down. What can I do for you? + + Well, Mr. PRINCE! You must be busy, now. + Whitewashing is the best thing done, I vow! + Why, hel-lo! REGIS! From the Cape so soon? + When do you open, this year--first of June? + + Come, gentlemen--some wine? Now, don't refuse! + What! temperate? teetotal? Well, that's news! + And good news, too! Well, coffee, then. You see, + My friends, the _sentiment's_ the thing with me. + + The real Mocha, AUNTIE! Simon pure! + Raised by free Arabs. For I can't endure + A single thing that's flavored with a Wrong! + Yes, AUNTIE, you are right, I've "come out strong!" + + So have the Colored People, I may say! + (One fact explains the other, up this way!) + They've proved their strength! It's settled, sure as a gun, + That every Colored Voter now counts One! + + Now, gentlemen, you'll be surprised to find + So many people with your turn of mind! + But, sure as tricks! remember what I say-- + You'll learn some things before Election Day! + + POMPEY--'twon't take much time, (and you can spare it!) + Try this old fiddle, picked up in the garret! + Good? It's your fiddle! AUNTIE, here's a pound + Of that same genuine Mocha, ready ground! + + Say, Uncle STEVE, I've got a fish for you, + Down at the market. Call again, PETE; do! + I'll have a job for you and CAESAR soon: + It's only waiting for a change of moon. + + CLEM, how'd you like a chance to wait on table? + Or, would you rather drive, and run my stable? + GEORGE, in the kitchen there's a pan of souse! + Going? All gone? Now, BRIDGET, air the house! + + * * * * * + +Historic Parallel. + +THE JACK CADE movement came near destroying London. The Ar-Cade movement +threatens to destroy Broadway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CHEAP LUXURY. + +SNIFFLES LOVES THE SMELL OF ROASTED CHESTNUTS, AND ENJOYS IT FOR HOURS +EVERY DAY; BUT HE NEVER EATS ANY--WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR THE JOYOUS EXPRESSION +ON THE FACE OF THE VENDER.] + + * * * * * + +BUSINESS. + +A CHICAGO LAY. + + I saw her sweet lip quiver, + As he started for the store. + Because he hadn't kissed her + "Several" times or more. + + She cried "This horrid business!" + And then flew to her glass; + "Oh! why his cold remissness? + Have I grown plain, alas?" + + But no, that truthful article + Revealed her charms intact, + She hadn't lost one particle, + But had improved, in fact. + + At nine the case was opened, + At ten the case was o'er; + The jury brought their virdict-- + She was his wife no more. + + That night the husband started, + And--"_you_ bet"--he swore, + To find his wife departed, + And "_To Let_" on the door. + + Next day he moved and married. + And, that his bride might stay, + He kissed her every morning + Before he went away. + + * * * * * + +Pot-umania. + +A correspondent writes that a new mania has sprung up among the ladies +of Edinburgh--a fancy for learning to cook. There is a much older mania +in some parts of that country--a fancy for something to cook. + + * * * * * + +About a Foot. + +A BOOT when it's on. + + * * * * * + +IMPORTANT TO PUBLISHERS. + +One of our corps of Philosophers (a trifle visionary, perhaps) has been +speculating as to certain possible (or, perhaps, impossible) results +flowing from the practice among publishers of ante-dating their monthly +issues. Thus, supposing that the world should be destroyed by fire (and +why not? it is bad enough) on the 15th of May, 1870, and a cover of, +say, _Putnam's_ for June, carried up by an air-current, should, after +floating about ever so long in space, finally descend on some friendly +planet--we will say, Venus. Here it would naturally get picked up by an +archaeologist, (who would be on the spot looking out for it,) and the +interesting relic would be promptly and reverently deposited among the +other Vestiges of Creation, in the Royal Cabinet. In the course of +years, some historian would probably have occasion to turn over these +curiosities, and would presently light on the scorched but still legible +waif. "Why," says he, in astonishment, "I thought the earth was burnt on +the 15th of May! To be sure, it was _in the night_, and nobody saw it +go, [think of that, conceited Worldling!] but it was missed by somebody +the day after. But here we have a document from the late unfortunate +planet dated the first of June!" + +Of course, upon this the History of the Universe would have to be +rewritten, or that odd fortnight would play the mischief somewhere! + + * * * * * + +A Boston Boy. + +HUB-BUB. + + * * * * * + +"Curses Come Home to Roost." + +They are putting the Fifth Avenue pavement in front of the City Hall. + + * * * * * + +To Politicians. + +Will the working of the Fifteenth Amendment oblige a candidate to show +his Color before election? + + * * * * * + +So We Go! + +We notice, with much agitation and a reasonable amount of grief, that +somebody in Philadelphia (possibly Miss ANNA DICKINSON) has invented a +machine for the laundry called The King Washer! A few years ago it would +have been The Queen Washer; but in these days the name seems to indicate +that to Man, unhappy Man, will speedily be committed the destinies of +the weekly washing. Oh! the rubbing, the rinsing, the wringing. But Mr. +PUNCHINELLO has already communicated to Mrs. PUNCHINELLO his sentiments +upon this subject. Under no circumstances will he get at the family +linen. He must make a stand somewhere, and he makes it here. + + * * * * * + +Let them Bark. + +Miss BARKALOW has been admitted to practice at the bar in St. Louis. We +have frequently before seen young ladies at a bar, where others +practiced more than they did; but we do not see why, if Miss BARKALOW +wishes to bark aloud, she should not be allowed to bark, aloud or +otherwise. Barking may be particularly good in a cross-examination; but +we presume that a lady attorney's bark will be always worse than her +bite. + + * * * * * + +"She Stoops to Conquer." + +The girl with the Grecian Bend. + + * * * * * + +Query. + +Is it allowable for a Temperance man to be Cordial to his friends? + + * * * * * + +Weak as Water. + +Our cynical friend A. QUARIUS writes us from Philadelphia, that +considering the manner in which the Sunday liquor law is enforced in +that city, he thinks his native place is still entitled--perhaps more +than ever entitled to be called the city of Rye-tangles. This is +ungrateful. + + * * * * * + +SPIRITUAL SUSCEPTIBILITY OF CATS. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Our Society has been very learnedly debating as to +whether Cats are susceptible of spiritual impressions; and, although the +burden of opinion inclines to the negative of the question, I am firmly +persuaded there is much to justify a contrary judgment. + +As I slept the other night, neither dreaming nor holding psychological +intercourse of any description with outsiders, I was awakened suddenly +about the first hour of the morning by a noise. I am quite certain it +was a noise, and have therefore no hesitation in so recording it. The +new moon hung athwart the western sky, and a few fleecy clouds were +chasing each other like snow-drifts across the blue vault of the night. +I may likewise note the fact that the stars were doing what they usually +do, notwithstanding the difference of opinion that sometimes exists as +to what that is. It was the evening after "wash-day," and family linen, +in graceful curves and undulating outlines, everywhere met the eye as it +turned from contemplating the stars to contemplating the clothes-lines +in the gardens. But I wander. The noise? Ah! yes. Well, it was not like +the collision of two hard substances, but rather of the heavy "thud" +order of sound, like the descent of a solid into a soft substance; say, +for instance, of a flat-iron into a jar of unrisen buck-wheat batter. I +glanced along the ghostly battalions of family linen; along the fences +traversed by feline sentries; along the latticed arbors; but nothing to +indicate the origin of the alarm could be discovered, and as at that +moment a breeze stirred in the apartment, producing a chilling +sensation, I thought it prudent to jump back into bed. + +Next morning, upon making my usual visit to note the progress of the +early bulbs in the flower-beds, I encountered at the further end of the +garden the remains of a cat--a portly and ancient grimalkin of the +sterner sex. Close at hand was a bottle lying face downward, and corked. +I raised it--first in my hands, and then to my lips. The cork fell out, +accidentally as it were, and, as a consequence, death. "Poor thing!" I +murmured; "poor--" and a portion of the contents glided carelessly down +my throat. I perceived that the liquid was "Old Rye." As I stooped down, +tears would have come to my eyes; but it was useless, seeing that the +breath had left the unfortunate's body. Nevertheless, I rested my hand a +moment upon his head, and then glided it in a semi-professional manner +along the line of dorsal elevation, until I came to a deep depression in +his backbone, which corresponded exactly with the convexity of the +bottle. Then I saw at once how it was; this missile, (in the heat of +passion, being mistaken for an empty one, probably,) had been hurled by +some treacherous hand upon the unsuspecting Tom, striking him midway +between the root of the tail and the base of the brain, causing instant +suspension of his vertebral communications, "Poor thing! You were the +victim of a Catastrophe. You were also the victim of the bottle. The +'Rye' was too heavy for you, and should have been drawn milder." This +said, I turned sadly away to find a burial spade, and it then occurred +to me that this little incident was kindly meant to confirm my view that +cats are susceptible, even to a fatal extent, of spiritual +impressions--especially when conveyed by spirits of "Old Rye." + +GOBBO. + + * * * * * + +From the Tombs. + +When a drunken man has been locked up for beating his wife, it is +reasonable to suppose that he must feel rather the worse for lick her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PERSONAL GOSSIP. + +(From the Daily Press.) + +"A SON OF ONE OF OUR WEALTHIEST RESIDENTS DISPLAYS GREAT TALENTS AS A +SCULPTOR. HE IS BUT NINE YEARS OLD."] + + * * * * * + +A BIT OF NATURAL HISTORY. + +Naturalists tell us that the _Aye-aye_ is a small animal of Madagascar, +with sharp teeth, long claws, and a tail; which eats whatever it can +grab, and says nothing day or night but _aye-aye_. Now, we find that, +AGASSIZ to the contrary notwithstanding, this strange and not very +useful animal is indigenous to the State of Pennsylvania. It especially +frequents Harrisburg; and may be seen and heard any day there, in the +Senate or House. Being an active member of that House, your +correspondent has been present during the passage of three hundred bills +within a week or two, in about one hundred and ten of which he had some +personal interest. + +Lifting his eyes one day from his newspaper, when the Speaker took the +vote on an "Act to amend the Incorporation of the City of Philadelphia," +which your correspondent happened to know included the presentation of a +three-story brownstone front to each of a committee of six members of +the House, he found there was not one member in his seat; but, in the +place of a few, there was a company of these remarkable _Aye-ayes_, +responding duly to the call for a vote; but never a _no_ among them. No, +no! + +Now, your correspondent holds the deliberate opinion that, in several +respects, these aforesaid small animals of Madagascar might be an +improvement upon the average Pennsylvania legislators. And, if your +correspondent had to do with getting up the other one hundred and ninety +bills, as he did the one hundred and ten, all right: Otherwise, _not_. +How does PUNCHINELLO regard it? + +Yours, LEGISLATOR. + + * * * * * + +An Augean Job. + +PUNCHINELLO has telegraphed to Governor GEARY his approval of the +"Sewage Utilization" bill at Harrisburg, on one condition: that the +first piece of work be finished up by the members of the Pennsylvania +Legislature with their own hands; that work to be, to make up into +_decent_ manure, _deodorized_ and _disinfected_, all bills passed at the +late session of their House and Senate. Since, however, complete +deodorization is probably _impossible_, PUNCHINELLO advises also that +the said members be required to cart all their stuff out to the Bad +Lands of Nebraska, and remain there to make the best use of it; or else +make a contract with Captain HALL to ship it and them to the Arctic +regions at once. + + * * * * * + +On the Finances. + +Says Crispin, "Did not somebody say it was BOUTWELL in the Treasury now? +A great mistake. About well, to be sure! When the newspaper men have +111-1/2 of gold, and I haven't a round dollar! Where did they get it? +And then the legal tender question. I never asked but _one_ tender +question in all my life, and that was to SUSAN and she said, Yes. And +then we were legally married. Nobody ought to ask such questions _out +loud_; it's not _decent_. And _fine answering_ an't much better. +Financiering, is it? Ah! well. _Specious assumption_, too; but that +requires brass, and I want _gold_. Meantime, who's got a twenty-five +cent note?" + + * * * * * + +Massachusetts Flats. + +Massachusetts must abound in Flats. Its Legislature is annually agitated +from the sands of Cape Cod to the hills of Berkshire over the question. +It is said to be wisdom to set a rogue to catch a rogue. Is it equally +so to set a flat to catch one? + + * * * * * + +NATIONAL TAXIDERMY. + +[Illustration 'P'] + +PUNCHINELLO has for some time past carefully considered the subject of +our national tariff of imposts, (_that is to say, he happened to see, in +a Tribune, the other day, that lucifer matches were now to be stamped +separately, and not by the box, as heretofore_) and he has come to the +conclusion, after duly weighing in his mind all the arguments for and +against the present system of taxation, (_that is to say, he made up his +mind the minute he read the article_,) that what the present tariff +needs, is a more thorough application and a better classification; or, +what the technologists call Taxonomy, which term is suggested to him by +a work on the subject which he has been recently studying. (_That is to +say, he looked in the dictionary to find out what Taxidermy meant, and +seeing Taxonomy there, snapped it up for a sort of collateral pun_.) As +an illustration of what our impost legislators (or imposters) ought to +be, let us take the Taxidermist. He is one who takes from an animal +every thing but his skin and bones, and stuffs him up afterward with all +sorts of nonsense. Now, our National Taxidermists ought to take a lesson +from their original. Many of the good people of the United States have +much more left them than their skin and bones. Why is not all that +taken? The condition of the ordinary stuffed animal of the shops is +strikingly significant of what should be expected of loyal communities. +(_That is to say, communities which vote a certain ticket which need not +be named here_.) It is often said that there are things which flesh and +blood will not bear. Now, a thorough system of Taxidermy remedies all +this. A stuffed 'possum, for instance, having no flesh or blood, will +bear any thing. When the people of this country are thoroughly cleaned +out, they will be just as docile. Among the things which PUNCHINELLO +would recommend as fit subjects of taxation, is a man's expenses. They +have not been taxed yet. If he pays for his income, why not for his +outgoes? The immense sums that are annually expended in this country for +this, that, and the other thing ought certainly to yield a revenue to +the government. (_That is to say, there ought to be a new army of +collectors and assessors appointed. P. knows lots of good men out of +office_.) And then there's a man's time. Why not tax that? Nearly every +man spends a lot of time, and he ought to pay for it. As it would be our +tax, it could not be a very minute tax, although it is only the second +tax which we have suggested. (_That is to say--- something pun-ny_.) And +besides these things, there's energy. We often hear of a man's energies +being taxed; but, so far as the matter is apparent to the naked eye, it +is difficult to see whose energies are taxed for the good of the +government at the present day. This subject should certainly be +investigated. (_That is to say, a committee of Congressmen should be +appointed, with power to send for persons, papers, and extra +compensation_.) Politics, too. Every man has his politics, (_that is to +say, every man except Bennett_,) and they ought to be taxed, if for no +other reason than the great impetus the measure would give to the +erection of fences throughout the land. And letters, too. If every one +sent by the mail should yield one cent to the Treasury, how the currency +would be inflated in that locality! (_That is to say, in the locality to +which the collectors would abscond_.) But it is impossible, with the +limited time at his disposal, for PUNCHINELLO to enter into a full +examination and elucidation of this subject. (_That is to say, he can't +think of any more illustrations just now, and the printer wouldn't stand +any more, if he could_.) But it must be admitted that the great task of +opening up the country, of which we hear so much, will never be complete +until the Washington skinners and stuffers get us all into the prepared +specimen condition. (_That is to say, when the people are all willing +to_ "_dry up_.") + + * * * * * + +JOHN CHINAMAN'S BILLING AND COOING.--Pigeon English. + + * * * * * + +CABLE NEWS. + +(EXCLUSIVELY FOR PUNCHINELLO.) + +QUEEN ISABELLA has sent her compliments to Senor CASTELAR, as well as to +General PRIM, informing them that, on the whole, she thinks she will +_not_ return to the throne of Spain. It does not agree with her quiet +and refined tastes and habits to live so much in public. All she wants +now is a little _chateau en Espagne_. She proposes to send her son, +Prince of ASTURIAS, to Professor CASTELAR, to study modern history. Is +it not odd, by the way, that a country so long _Mad-rid-den_ as Spain, +should have now a governor with such a name as PRIM? But, what's in a +name? BOURBON, by any other name, would smell as sweet. Some, however, +prefer Old Rye. I prefer _water_ to both; _especially_ to BOURBON. + +It's an old story that _two positives make a negative_. Paris news tells +us that a late will case has exemplified this. COMTE, you know, was a +_positive_ philosopher. He had a positive wife. She had a will of her +own. He wrote a will of his own. Consequently, it got into court. Mme. +COMTE it seems, who did not agree with the philosophy while the +philosopher lived, wanted his MSS. after his death. Positively, the +court did not see it in that light; and so the negative came out. It was +a case of no go, or _non-ego_, as HEGEL might have called it. Did you +ever read HEGEL? I didn't; and I advise you not to begin. It won't pay. +I am told that he divided all things into Egos, She goes, and Non-egos, +or No-goes. The latter particularly; So do I. + +But to return to Spain; or rather to Paris. Don FRANCOIS D'ASSISSI has, +it appears, suddenly discovered that his wife is not Queen of Spain so +much as she was. Much less so. So, he has found her company rather +expensive than agreeable; and proposes to abdicate it. Not so _very_ +much of an ass, is he? Bravo for Don FRANCOIS! + +In London, _to-morrow_ will be made famous in literature by _the_ great +dinner in honor of the advent of PUNCHINELLO. Mr. PUNCH is talked of to +preside. An unprecedented rush for tickets has begun. More about it in +my next. + +PRIME. + + * * * * * + +Cutting. + +We see extensively advertised the "Saxon Razor;" but have not yet +summoned up sufficient courage to try this article, which "no +gentleman's dressing-case should be without." We cannot dispossess our +minds of the apprehension of cutting ourselves, remembering that line +descriptive of the combat between FITZ-JAMES and RODERICK DHU, in which +it is said, that, + + "----thrice the Saxon blade drank blood." + + * * * * * + +Musical. + +The vocal abilities of hens are admitted; but they rarely attempt the +Chro-matic scale. + + * * * * * + +De Jure. + +No man can now be a juror who knows any thing about the case which he is +to try. Thus a juryman was challenged in the MCFARLAND case merely +because he belonged to Dr. BELLOWS's church. It was held that he might +possibly have got Wind of the matter while listening to the Doctor's +discourse. + + * * * * * + +BOOK NOTICES. + +AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL. By LOUISA M. ALCOTT. Boston: ROBERTS BROTHERS. +New-York: D. APPLETON & Co. + +The author of "Little Women" seeks, and not without success, to draw +from her "Old-Fashioned Girl" a contrast and a moral. She presents to +our view two young ladies of opposite "styles." One is fresh and rural: +the other isn't. The difference between country and city bringing-up is +the point aimed at; and the difference is about as great as that between +the warbling of woodside birds and the jingle of one of OFFENBACH'S +tunes on a corner barrel-organ. The book is neatly set forth, with +illustrations by Messrs. ROBERTS, BROTHERS, of Boston. + +RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. By the author of "Cometh up as a Flower," etc. +New-York: D. APPLETON & Co. + +A readable book, notwithstanding that there are several naughty +characters in it, or perhaps _because_ there are. Probably it depicts +with truth the kind of society presented. If so, all the worse for +society. Shall we never again have healthful, virtuous novels of the old +school, such as "Tom Jones?" The book is published in tasteful form by +Messrs. D. APPLETON & Co. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. STEWART & CO. | + | | + | ARE OFFERING | + | | + | Extraordinary Inducements, | + | | + | IN PRICE, STYLE, AND QUALITY, | + | | + | TO HOUSEKEEPERS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | Linens, Sheetings, | + | | + | DAMASKS, NAPKINS, TOWELLINGS, | + | | + | DRESS LINENS, PRINTED LINENS, | + | | + | FLANNELS, BLANKETS, QUILTS, | + | | + | COUNTERPANES, SHEETINGS, | + | | + | Bleached and Brown Cottons, | + | | + | Standard American Prints, etc., etc. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | HAVE OPENED A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | | + | LADIES' PARIS MADE DRESSES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | WALKING SUITS, | + | | + | In Silk, Poplin, and Linen, | + | | + | ENTIRE NEW DESIGNS. | + | | + | FRENCH SILK CLOAKS, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SHORT STREET SACQUES. | + | | + | Children's Cloaks, Ladies' Breakfast Jackets, | + | | + | Ladies' Pique, Swiss, and Cambric | + | | + | Morning Robes and Walking Suits, | + | | + | LADIES' UNDERGARMENTS | + | | + | Of every description. | + | | + | French, German, and Domestic Corsets, | + | | + | Woven and hand-made. | + | | + | JUST RECEIVED. | + | | + | AT EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE PRICES, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | _The two great objects of a learner's ambition ought to be | + | to speak a foreign language idiomatically, and to pronounce | + | it correctly; and these are the objects which are most | + | carefully provided for in the_ MASTERY SYSTEM. | + | | + | The Mastery of Languages; | + | | + | OR, | + | | + | THE ART OF SPEAKING LANGUAGES IDIOMATICALLY. | + | | + | BY THOMAS PRENDERGAST. | + | | + | _I. 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But this much | + | he does not hesitate to claim, that, after a study of less | + | than two weeks, he was able to sustain conversation in the | + | newly-acquired language on a great variety of subjects." | + | | + | FROM THE ENGLISH PRESS. | + | | + | "The principle may be explained in a line--it is first | + | learning the language, and then studying the grammar, and | + | then learning (or trying to learn) the language."--_Morning | + | Star_. | + | | + | "We know that there are some who have given Mr. | + | Prendergast's plan a trial, and discovered that in a few | + | weeks its results had surpassed all their | + | expectations."--_Record_. | + | | + | "A week's patient trial of the French Manual has convinced | + | me that the method is sound."--_Papers for the | + | Schoolmaster_. | + | | + | "The simplicity and naturalness of the system are | + | obvious."--_Herald_ (Birmingham.) | + | | + | "We know of no other plan which will infallibly lead to the | + | result in a reasonable time."--_Norfolk News_. | + | | + | FROM THE AMERICAN PRESS. | + | | + | "The system is as near as can be to the one in which a child | + | to talk."--_Troy Whig_. | + | | + | "We would advise all who are about to begin the study of | + | languages to give it a trial."--_Rochester Democrat_. | + | | + | "For European travellers this volume is | + | invaluable."--_Worcester Spy_. | + | | + | Either of the above volumes sent by mail free to any part of | + | the United States on receipt of price. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | _Third Edition._ | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | 90, 92, and 94 Grand Street, | + | | + | Have now ready the Third Edition of | + | | + | RED AS A ROSE IS SHE. | + | | + | By the Author of "Cometh up as a Flower." | + | | + | 1 vol. 8vo. Paper Covers, 60 cents. | + | | + | From the New York _Evening Express_. | + | | + | "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents | + | breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title." | + | | + | From the Philadelphia _Inquirer_. | + | | + | "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of | + | scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and | + | never overstrained." | + | | + | D. A. & Co. have just published: | + | | + | A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, | + | ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. | + | By Hon. S. S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. | + | | + | REPTILES AND BIRDS: A POPULAR ACCOUNT OF THE VARIOUS ORDERS, | + | WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE HABITS AND ECONOMY OF THE MOST | + | INTERESTING. | + | By Louis Figuler. Illustrated with 307 wood-cuts. 8vo, $6. | + | | + | HEREDITARY GENIUS: AN INQUIRY INTO ITS LAWS AND | + | CONSEQUENCES. | + | By Francis Galton. 1 vol. 8vo. $3.50. | + | | + | HAND-BOOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES OF LEARNING LANGUAGES. | + | I. THE HAND-ROOK OF THE MASTERY SERIES. | + | II. THE MASTERY SERIES, FRENCH. | + | III. THE MASTERY SERIES, GERMAN. | + | IV. THE MASTERY SERIES, SPANISH. | + | Price, 50 cents each. | + | | + | Either of the above sent free by mail to any address on | + | receipt of the price. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | BURCH'S | + | | + | Merchant's Restaurant | + | | + | AND | + | | + | DINING-ROOM, | + | | + | 310 BROADWAY, | + | | + | BETWEEN PEARL AND DUANE STREETS. | + | | + | _Breakfast from 7 to 10 A.M. | + | Lunch and Dinner from 12 to 3 P.M. | + | Supper from 4 to 7 P.M._ | + | | + | M. C. BURCH, of New-York. | + | A. STOW, of Alabama. | + | H. A. CARTER, of Massachusetts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Important to Newsdealers! | + | | + | ALL ORDERS FOR | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO | + | | + | Will be supplied by | + | | + | OUR SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE AGENTS, | + | | + | American News Co. | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | BEGS TO ANNOUNCE TO THE FRIENDS OF | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY, THAT, | + | | + | FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE | + | | + | HE HAS MADE ARRANGEMENTS BY WHICH, ON RECEIPT OF THE PRICE | + | OF | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | THE SAME WILL BE FORWARDED, POSTAGE PAID. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, | + | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + +[Illustration: A SUCCESSFUL CATCH. + +_John Bull._ "WELL, GENERAL, HOW DID YOU CATCH YOUR FISH?" + + _General Prim._ "WITH A SPANISH FLY."] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WALTHAM WATCHES. 3-4 PLATE. _16 and 20 Sizes._ | + | | + | To the manufacture of these fine Watches the Company have | + | devoted all the science and skill in the art at their | + | command, and confidently claim that, for fineness and | + | beauty, no less than for the greater excellence of | + | mechanical and scientific correctness of design and | + | execution, these watches are unsurpassed anywhere. | + | | + | In this country the manufacture of this fine grade of | + | Watches is not even attempted except at Waltham. | + | | + | FOR SALE BY ALL LEADING JEWELLERS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank, | + | | + | 33 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. | + | | + | _Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M_. | + | | + | Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received. | + | | + | Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the first of every month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH, _President._ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary._ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +PUNCHINELLO: + +TERMS TO CLUBS. + +WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS + +FIRST: + +DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER, + +The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning +purposes. + +SECOND: + +BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES. + +These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; +and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind +of crochet or fancy work upon them. + +THIRD: + +BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER. + +This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits +every thing. + +FOURTH: + +AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE. + +This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on +all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and +Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole +parts, etc., price, $60. + +WE WILL SEND THE + +Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. +No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16. + " 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24. + " 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48. + " 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52. +No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60. + " 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52. + 1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64. + 1 100 needles + +No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120. + +No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine, + without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100. + +Descriptive Circulars + +Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and +full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers. + +Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct +seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers +and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send +single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission. + +Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts +on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered +Letters, which any post-master will furnish. + +Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only +will be credited. + +Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent +error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and +State. + +The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable +quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in +the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to +subscription. + +All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to +P.O. Box 2783. + + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY + +No. 83 Nassau Street, + +NEW-YORK + + * * * * * + +S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 5, April 30, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 5 *** + +***** This file should be named 10018.txt or 10018.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10018/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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