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diff --git a/old/10017-h/10017-h.htm b/old/10017-h/10017-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..130d8ea --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10017-h/10017-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2429 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 23.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10017] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 23 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by<br> + </p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img alt="Carbolic Salve" src="images/01a.jpg"> + <p>Recommended by Physicians.</p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS</p> + <p>SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p><b>PRICE 25 CENTS</b>.</p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/01.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 23.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="6"> + <p><big><big><big><b>$47,000 REWARD.</b></big></big></big></p> + <p>PROCLAMATION.</p> + <p><b>The Murder of Mr. Benjamin Nathan</b>.</p> + <p>The widow having determined to increase the rewards heretofore +offered by me (in my proclamation of July 29), and no result having yet +been obtained, and suggestions having been made that the rewards were +not sufficiently distributive or specific, the offers in the previous +proclamation are hereby superseded by the following:</p> + <p>A REWARD of $30,000 will be paid for the arrest and conviction +of the murderer of BENJAMIN NATHAN, who was killed in hie house, No. 12 +West Twenty-third Street, New York, on the morning of Friday, July 29.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of each and every one of the three Diamond Shirt Studs which +were taken from the clothing of the deceased on the night of the +murder. Two of the diamonds weighed, together, 1, 1/2, and 1/3, and +1-16 carats, and the other, a flat stone, showing nearly a surface of +one carat, weighed 3/4 and 1-32. All three were mounted in skeleton +settings, with spiral screws, but the color of the gold setting of the +flat diamond was not so dark as the other two.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,500 will be paid for the identification and +recovery of one of the watches, being the Gold anchor Hunting-case +Stem-winding Watch, No. 5657, 19 lines, or about two inches in +diameter, made by Ed. Perregaux; or for the Chain and Seals thereto +attached. The Chain is very massive, with square links, and carries a +Pendant Chain with two seals, one of them having the monogram "B.N.," +cut thereon.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for information leading to the +identification and recovery of an old-fashioned open-faced Gold Watch, +with gold dial, showing rays diverging from the center, and with raised +figures; believed to have been made by Tobias, and which was taken at +the same time as the above articles.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $300 will be given for the recovery of a Gold +Medal of about the size of a silver dollar, and which bears an +inscription of presentation not precisely known, but believed to be +either "To Sampson Simpson, President of the Jews' Hospital," or, "To +Benjamin Nathan, President of the Jews' Hospital."</p> + <p>A REWARD of $100 will be given for full and complete detailed +information descriptive of this medal, which may be useful in securing +its recovery.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $1,000 will be given for information leading to +the identification of the instrument used in committing the murder, +which is known as a "dog" or clamp, and is a piece of wrought iron +about sixteen inches long, turned up for about an inch at each end, and +sharp; such as is used by ship-carpenters, or post-trimmers, +ladder-makers, pump-makers, sawyers, or by iron-moulders to clamp their +flasks.</p> + <p>A REWARD of $800 will be given to the man who, on the morning +of the murder, was seen to ascend the steps and pick up a piece of +paper lying there, and then walk away with it, if he will come forward +and produce it.</p> + <p>Any information bearing upon the case may be sent to the +Mayor, John Jourdan, Superintendent of Police City of New York; or to +James J. Kelso, Chief Detective Officer.</p> + <p>A. OAKEY HALL, MAYOR.</p> + <p>The foregoing rewards are offered by the request of, and are +guaranteed by me.</p> + <p>Signed, EMILY G. NATHAN,</p> + <p>Widow of B. NATHAN.</p> + <p>The following reward has also been offered by the New York +Stock Exchange:</p> + <p>$10,000.—The New York Stock Exchange offers a reward of Ten +Thousand Dollars for the arrest and conviction of the murderer or +murderers of Benjamin Nathan, late a member of said Exchange, who was +killed on the night of July 28, 1870, at his house in Twenty-third +street. New York City.</p> + <p>J. L. BROWNELL, Vice-Chairman</p> + <p>Gov. Com.</p> + <p>D. C. HAYS, Treasurer.<br> +B. O. WHITE, Secretary.<br> +MAYOR'S OFFICE, New York, August 5, 1870.</p> + </td> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>Punchinello's +Monthly.</big></big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">The Weekly Numbers for July.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Supplied by the</p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"> <big>AMERICAN +NEWS COMPANY,</big></p> + <div style="text-align: center;"></div> + <p style="text-align: center;">Who are now prepared to receive +Orders.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p> + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</p> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> +20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> +[P.O. Box 2845.]<br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FOLEY'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></p> + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <p><b>256 BROADWAY</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <br> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <br> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President<br> + <br> + </i></p> + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <br> + <p>WALTER ROCHE,<br> +EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> +to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew</b>, +commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for +Cherry Valley. The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers +from Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. Sprague</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Is the Authorized Agent</span> +of</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + <p><small>For the</small></p> + <p>New England States,</p> + <p>To Procure Subscriptions, and to Employ Canvassors.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <hr style="width: 45%; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <small><br> + </small> </div> + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>Entered, according to Act +of Congress, in the year 1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, +in the Clerk's Office<br> +of the District Court of the United States, for the Southern District +of New York.</small></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD:</b></p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p>CHAPTER XVI.</p> + <p>AVUNCULAR DEVOTIO</p> + <p>Having literally <i>fallen</i> asleep from his chair to the +rug, J. BUMSTEAD, Esquire, was found to have reached such an +extraordinary depth in slumber, that Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, his landlord +and landlady, who were promptly called in by Mr. DIBBLE, had at first +some fear that they should never be able to drag him out again. In +pursuance, however, of a mode of treatment commended to their judgment, +by frequent previous practice with the same patient, the good couple +poured a pitcher of water over his fallen head; hauled him smartly up +and down the room, first by a hand and then by a foot; singed his +whiskers with a hot poker, held him head-downward for a time, and tried +various other approved allopathic remedies. Seeing that he still slept +profoundly, though appearing, by occasional movements of his arms, to +entertain certain passing dreams of single combats, the quick womanly +wit of Mrs. SMYTHE finally hit upon the homoeopathic expedient of +softly shaking his familiar antique flask at his right ear. Scarcely +had the soft, liquid sound therefrom resulting been addressed for a +minute to the auricular orifice, when a singularly pleasing smile +wreathed the countenance of the Ritualistic organist, his eyelids flew +up like the spring-covers of two valuable hunting-case watches, and he +suddenly arose to a sitting position upon the rug and began feeling +around for the bed-clothes.</p> + <p>"There!" cried Mrs. SMYTHE, greatly affected by his pathetic +expression of countenance, "you're all right now, sir. How worn-out you +must have been, to sleep so!"</p> + <p>"Do you always go to sleep with such alarming suddenness?" +asked Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"When I have to go anywhere, I make it a rule to go at +once:—similarly, when going to sleep," was the answer. "Excuse me, +however, for keeping you waiting, Mr. DIBBLE. We've had quite a rain, +sir."</p> + <p>His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water +which had been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his +present newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had +taken place, and thereupon turned moody.</p> + <p>"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he +repeated, gloomily, "and I am freshly reminded of my irreparable loss."</p> + <p>"Such an open, spring-like character!" apostrophized the +lawyer, staring reflectively into the grate.</p> + <p>"Always open when it rained, and closing with a spring," said +Mr. BUMSTEAD, in soft abstraction lost.</p> + <p>"<i>Who</i> closed with a spring?" queried the elder man, +irascibly.</p> + <p>"The umbrella," sobbed JOHN BUMSTEAD.</p> + <p>"I was speaking of your nephew, sir!" was Mr. DIBBLE'S +impatient explanation.</p> + <p>Mr. BUMSTEAD stared at him sorrowfully for a moment, and then +requested Mrs. SMYTHE to step to a cupboard in the next room and +immediately pour him out a bottle of soda-water which she should find +there.</p> + <p>"Won't you try some?" he asked the lawyer, rising limply to +his feet when the beverage was brought, and drinking it with +considerable noise.</p> + <p>"No, thank you," returned Mr. DIBBLE.</p> + <p>"As you please, then," said the organist, resignedly. "Only, +if you have a headache don't blame me. (Mr. and Mrs. SMYTHE, you may +place a few cloves where I can get them, and retire.) What you have +told me, Mr. DIBBLE, concerning the breaking of the engagement between +your ward and my nephew, relieves my mind of a load. As a +right-thinking man, I can no longer suspect you of having killed EDWIN +DROOD."</p> + <p>"Suspect ME?" screamed the aged lawyer, almost leaping into +the air.</p> + <p>"Calm yourself," observed Mr. BUMSTEAD, quietly, the while he +ate a sedative clove. "I say that I can <i>not</i> longer suspect you. +I can not think that a person of your age would wantonly destroy a +human life merely to obtain an umbrella."</p> + <p>Absolutely purple in the face, Mr. DIBBLE snatched his hat +from a chair just as the Ritualistic organist was about to sit upon it, +and was on the point of hurrying wrathfully from the room, when the +entrance of Gospeler SIMPSON arrested him.</p> + <p>Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear +him from suspicion in the new-comer's mind also.</p> + <p>"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad +affair we must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be +as innocent as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor +is concerned, I wholly acquit him of all guilty knowledge of my nephew +and umbrella."</p> + <p>Too apoplectic with suffocating emotions to speak, Mr. DIBBLE +foamed slightly at the month and tore out a lock or two of his hair.</p> + <p>"And I believe that my unhappy pupil, Mr. PENDRAGON, is as +guiltless," responded the puzzled Gospeler. "I do not deny that he had +a quarrel with Mr. DROOD, in the earlier part of their acquaintance; +but, as you, Mr. BUMSTEAD, yourself, admit, their meeting at the +Christmas-Eve dinner was amicable; as I firmly believe their last +mysterious parting to have been."</p> + <p>The organist raised his fine head from the shadow of his right +hand, in which it had rested for a moment, and said, gravely: "I cannot +deny, gentlemen, that I have had my terrible distrusts of you all. Even +now, while, in my deepest heart, I release Mr. DIBBLE and Mr. PENDRAGON +from all suspicion, I cannot entirely rid my mind of the impression +that you, Mr. SIMPSON, in an hour when, from undue indulgence in +stimulants, you were not wholly yourself, may have been tempted, by the +superior fineness of the alpaca, to slay a young man inexpressibly dear +to us all."</p> + <p>"Great heavens, Mr. BUMSTEAD!" panted the Gospeler, livid with +horror, "I never—"</p> + <p>—"Not a word, sir!" interrupted the Ritualistic organist,—"not +a word, Reverend sir, or it may be used against you at your trial."</p> + <p>Pausing not to see whether the equally overwhelmed old lawyer +followed him, the horribly astounded Gospeler burst precipitately from +the house in wild dismay, and was presently hurrying past the pauper +burial-ground. Whether he had been drawn to that place by some one of +the many mystic influences moulding the fates of men, or because it +happened to be on his usual way home, let students of psychology and +topography decide. Thereby he was hurrying, at any rate, when a shining +object lying upon the ground beside the broken fence, caused him to +stop suddenly and pick up the glittering thing. It was an oroide watch, +marked E.D.; and, a few steps further on, a coppery-looking seal-ring +also attracted the finder's grasp. With these baubles in his hand the +genial clergyman was walking more slowly onward, when it abruptly +occurred to him, that his possession of such property might possibly +subject him to awkward consequences if he did not immediately have +somebody arrested in advance. Perspiring freely at the thought, he +hurried to his house, and, there securing the company of MONTGOMERY +PENDRAGON, conveyed his beloved pupil at once before Judge SWEENEY, and +made affidavit of finding the jewelry. The jeweler, who had wound EDWIN +DROOD'S watch for him on the day of the dinner, promptly identified the +timepiece by the innumerable scratches around the keyhole; Mr. +BUMSTEAD, though at first ecstatic with the idea that the seal-ring was +a ferule from an umbrella, at length allowed himself to be persuaded +into a gloomy recognition of it as a part of his nephew, and MONTGOMERY +was detained in custody for further revelations.</p> + <p>News of the event circulating, the public mind of +Bumsteadville lost no time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of +Southern character, and recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. +It was now clearly remembered that there had once been rumors of +terrible cruelties by a PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man of +great piety; who, because he incessantly sang hymns in the +cotton-field, was sent to a field farther from the PENDRAGON mansion, +and ultimately died. Citizens reminded each other, that when, during +the rebellion, a certain PENDRAGON of the celebrated Southern +Confederacy met a former religious chattel of his confronting him with +a bayonet in the loyal ranks, and immediately afterwards felt a cold, +tickling sensation under one of his ribs, he drew a pistol upon the +member of the injured race, who subsequently died in Ohio of fever and +ague. What wonder was it, then, that this young PENDRAGON with an +Indian club and a swelled head should secretly slaughter the nephew and +appropriate the umbrella of one of the most loyal and devoted +Ritualists that ever sent a substitute to battle? In the mighty +metropolis, too, the Great Dailies—those ponderous engines of varied +and inaccurate intelligence—published detailed and mistaken reports of +the whole affair, and had subtle editorial theories as to the nature of +the crime. The <i>Sun,</i> after giving a cut of an old-fashioned +parlor-grate as a diagram of Mr. BUMSTEAD'S house, and a portrait of +Mr. JOHN RUSSELL YOUNG as a correct photograph of the alleged murderer +by ROCKWOOD, said:—"The retention of Mr. FISH as Secretary of State by +the present venal Administration, and the official countenance +otherwise corruptly given to friends of Spanish tyranny who do not take +the <i>Sun,</i> are plainly among the current encouragements to such +crime as that in the full reporting of which to-day the <i>Sun's</i> +advertisements are crowded down to a single page, as usual. Judge +CONNOLLY, after walking all the way from Yorkville, agrees with the <i>Sun</i> +in believing, that something more than an umbrella tempted this young +MONTMORENCY PADREGON to waylay EDWIN WOOD. To-morrow we shall give the +public still further exclusive revelations, such as the immense +circulation of the New York <i>Sun</i> enables us especially to +obtain. On this, as upon every occasion of the publication of the <i>Sun,</i> +we shall leave out columns upon columns of profitable advertising, in +order that no reader of the <i>Sun</i> shall be stinted in his +criminal news. The <i>Sun</i> (price two cents) has never yet been +bought by advertisers, and never will be." The <i>Tribune</i> said: +"What time the reader can spare from perusing our special dispatches +concerning the progress of Smalleyism in Europe, shall, undoubtedly, be +given to our female-reporter's account of the alleged tragedy at +Bumperville. There are reasons of manifest propriety to restrain us, as +superior journalists, from the sensational theorizing indulged by +editors choosing to expend more care and money upon local news than +upon European rumors; but we may not injudiciously hazard the +assumption, that, were the police under any other than Democratic +domination, such a murder as that alleged to have been committed by +MANTON PENJOHNSON on BALDWIN GOOD had not been possible. PENJOHNSON, it +shall be noticed, is a Southerner, while young GOOD was strongly +Northern in sentiment; and it requires no straining of a point to trace +in these known facts a sectional antagonism to which even a long war +has not yielded full sanguinary satiation." The <i>World</i> said: "<i>Acerrima +proximorum odia;</i> and, under the present infamous Radical abuse of +empire, the hatred between brothers, first fostered by the +eleutheromaniacs of Abolitionism, is bearing its bitter fruit of +private assassination at last. Somewhere amongst our <i>loci communes</i> +of to-day may be found a report of the supposed death, at +Hampsteadville (<i>not</i> Bumperville, as a radical contemporary has +it,) of a young Northerner named GOODWIN BLOOD, at the hands of a +Southern gentleman belonging to the stately old Southern family of +PENTORRENS. The PENTORRENS' are related, by old cavalier stock, to the +Dukes of Mandeville, whose present ducal descendant combines the +elegance of an Esterhazy with the intellect of an Argyle. That a scion +of such blood as this has reduced a fellow-being to a condition of +inanimate protoplasm, is to be regretted for his sake; but more for +that of a country in which the philosophy of COMTE finds in a corrupt +radical pantarchy all-sufficient first-cause of whatsoever is rotten in +the State of Denmark." The Times said: "We give no details of the +Burnstableville tragedy to-day, not being willing to pander to a +vitiated public taste; but shall do so to-morrow."</p> + <p>After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with +considerable distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three +different young Southerners had killed three different young +Northerners in three different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY +had a rush of blood to the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON +as a person of undistinguishable identity. But, when set at large, the +helpless youth could not turn a corner without meeting some bald-headed +reporter who raised the cry of "Stop thief!" if he sought to fly, and, +if he paused, interviewed him in a magisterial manner, and almost +tearfully implored him to Confess his crime in time for the Next +Edition.</p> + <p>Father DEAN, Ritual Rector of St. Cow's, meeting Gospeler +SIMPSON upon one of their daily strolls through the snow, said to him:</p> + <p>"This young man, your pupil, has sinned, it appears, and a +Ritualistic church, Mr. Gospeler, is no sanctuary for sinners."</p> + <p>"I cannot believe that the sin is his, Holy Father," answered +the Reverend OCTAVIUS, respectfully: "but, even if it is, and he is +remorseful for it, should not our Church cover him with her wings?"</p> + <p>"There are no wings to St. Cow's yet," returned the Father, +coldly,—"only the main building; and that is too small to harbor any +sinner who has not sufficient means to build a wing or two for himself."</p> + <p>"Then," said the Gospeler, bowing his head and speaking +slowly, "I suppose he must go to the Other Church."</p> + <p>"What Other church?"</p> + <p>The Gospeler raised his hat and spoke reverently:—</p> + <p>That which is all of God's world outside this little church of +ours. That in which the Altar is any humble spot pressed by the knees +of the Unfortunate. That in which the priest is whoso doeth a good, +unselfish deed, even if in the shadow of the scaffold. That in which +the anthem of visible charity for an erring brother sinks into the +listening soul an echo of an unseen Father's pity and forgiveness, and +the choral service is the music of kind words to all who ever found but +unkind words before."</p> + <p>"You must mean the Church of the Pooritans," said the Ritual +Rector.</p> + <p>So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to +seek harbor where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD +exhibited to Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary.</p> + <p>"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the +watch and seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, was the +temptation of the murderer. I now swear that I will no more discuss +either my nephew or my umbrella with any living soul, until I have +found once more the familiar boyish form and alpaca canopy, or brought +vengeance upon him through whom I am nephewless and without protection +in the rain."</p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>CHINCAPIN AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: When Oratory, rising to its loftiest flights +upon the wings of Buncombe, denounces with withering scorn the effete +and tyrannical monarchies of Europe, and proclaims the glorious fact +that this is a Free Country, Fellow Citizens! it hardly does us +justice. We are not only free, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, we are Free and Easy, +sir. Breathes there a man so tortuously afflicted with Strabismus that +he doesn't see it? If such there be let him go and visit the Oneida +Community.</p> + <p>Last week I took a run down to Oneida myself. I found the +Communists a very Social crowd, I can assure you. PROUDHON himself +might be proud of such disciples, and DESIDERANT find nothing there to +be Desiderated. The Communists divide everything equally, particularly +the Affections, so there are no Better Halves among them. In Utah, you +are aware, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, the women are Sealed to the men, but among +these people they are not even Wafered. Your Own IDA may be anybody +else's in the Oneida Community. The only individuals that object to +Dividing are the children, who are generally opposed to Division, both +long and Short, as well as to Fractions.</p> + <p>Infants don't go for much among the Free Lovers, and are Put +Out—to Nurse. After the age of Fifteen months they are surrendered by +their Ma's to the Charge of the Two Hundred (the number of men and +women in the Community,) who become their common parents, and the +infants become common property. The domestic arrangements are entrusted +to two females, who are called the "Mothers of the Community." But +whether these dual Mothers Do All the Nursing I am unable to say.</p> + <p>I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free +Lover who acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the +"interviewing reporter."</p> + <p>CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of +Love.</p> + <p>AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you <i>have</i>—</p> + <p>A. F. L. Yes, of our own. They are not those of a prejudiced +Wor-r-r-ld. Our principles are Embraced in the Communism of Love and +Passional Attraction.</p> + <p>CHINC. (Confidently.) Ah, yes; of course—you are Free Lovers.</p> + <p>A. F. L. Sir-r-r?</p> + <p>CHINC. (Much abashed.) Excuse me. I am young, inexperienced, +and but slightly acquainted with the Dictionary.</p> + <p>A. P. L. So I see. Know, young man, that we scorn and +repudiate the name of Free Lovers as applied to us by the newspapers. +It is true we believe that Love should be untrammelled by the Hateful +Bonds of Marriage. With us a Lady may have an affinity for any number +of gentlemen, and vice-versa. But we are not Free Lovers.</p> + <p>CHINC. Oh, no! Not by no means. Not any.</p> + <p>A. F. L. (Growing eloquent.) We have only advanced from the +simple to the more complex form of matrimony. Why should not the +faithfulness which constitutes the wretchedly exclusive dual Marriage +of the Wor-r-r-ld exist as well between Two Hundred as between two? Why?</p> + <p>CHINC. Why, O why? But there may be reasons—</p> + <p>A.F.L. Young Man, reared in the hateful prejudices of an +Unprogressive Wor-r-ld, there air none.</p> + <p>CHINC. This system, as you, Ancient Person, observe, is much +complexed. Do I, then, understand you that a woman may have fifty +affinities and yet be faithful to each?</p> + <p>A.F.L. Yes, my son, any number. This plurality of affinities +you of course cannot appreciate. A prejudiced Wor-r-r-ld cannot +understand the Bond of Union which connects all the Brothers and +Sisters in a Spiritual Marriage. The results of the complex system are—</p> + <p>CHINC. (Interrupting.) I—I—fear the complexity of your system +is one too many for me. I feel that my Brow cannot stand the pressure. +I must away. Farewell, old man—Adieu!</p> + <p>Such, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, is briefly the Free and Easy Doctrine +of Natural Affinity and Passional Attraction. I have no doubt there are +some illiberal Persons who would give it a much harsher name. For +myself, I believe in the Biggest kind of Liberty, but not for the +Biggest kind of Libertines. Reverentially yours,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/05.jpg"> + <p><b>LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE.</b></p> + <p>SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS</p> + <p><i>First Ruffian.</i> "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "PICNIC."</p> + <p><i>First Ditto.</i> "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?"</p> + <p><i>Second Ditto.</i> "SLUNG SHOT."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>REJUVENATED FRANCE.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO has perused a draft of the next Constitution of +the French people, or of France, if that is better. Unwilling to give +it to his readers in full, at present, he considers himself authorized, +however, to cite a few paragraphs of it, which will be found both +original and interesting.</p> + <p>FIFTY-SEVENTH CONSTITUTION OF FRANCE. (One a year, more or +less.)</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 1. The French Nation is sovereign; the French +people are sovereign; sovereigns are sovereign; every Frenchman is +sovereign.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 2. All men are equal, but Frenchmen are +highly superior to all other men.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 3. In order to secure peace, it is decreed +and plebiscited that all governments shall have a chance. For the next +ten years, or less, the Orleans Dynasty shall rule; after that a +BONAPARTE for a few years; then a Republic, "democratic and social," as +long as it can keep on its legs. After that a second Republic, for a +twelvemonth at least. Then an old BOURBON, if one can be found. After +this, a military dictatorship; the army to decide its duration. At each +change the people will decide by plebiscit whether they want the +respective governments to be: <i>personal</i>, <i>legal</i>, or +neither.</p> + <p><i>Paragraph</i> 4.—But here we must stop.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Titans.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Liberté</i> says: "A lot of crazy fellows tried +to proclaim the republic at Toulouse." Now there are manifestly two +errors in this statement. The fellows alluded to were not Toulouse, but +too tight fellows. Moreover, if they really had been crazies, as the <i>Liberté</i> +supposes, they would have been instantly arrested and sent to Paris, +under guard, by the way of the Madder line, to await the action of the +Prefect of the Sane.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Astronomical.</b></p> + <p>A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk +producers (farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting +upon raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a +quart, wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; +but it is clear that the milk in the cocoa-nuts of these farmers is +mighty sour.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SIGERSON SAYS.</b></p> + <p>SIGERSON (Dr.) of the Royal Irish Academy, has gone and said +some mighty unpleasant things about the Atmosphere. How he found them +out, we can't say, (and we hope <i>he</i> can't:) but nevertheless, he +declares, with the most dreadful calmness, that if you go to visit the +Iron Works, you will inevitably breathe a great many hollow Balls of +Iron, say about one two thousandth of an inch in diameter! What these +rather diminutive ferruginous globules will do for you, we do not know; +but you can see for yourself, that with your lungs full of little iron +balls you must certainly be in a "parlous" state. We should say that we +had quite as lief have the air full of those iron spheres, termed +Cannon Balls, as it is now in France. It is true, one couldn't get many +of <i>these</i> inside one with impunity; and equally true, that +foundry men do manage to live, with all that iron in their lungs; but +we can't say we desire to "build up an Iron Constitution," as the P-r-n +S-r-p folks say, by the inhaling process.</p> + <p>But SIGERSON is not content to render the neighborhood of Iron +Works questionable to the delicate and apprehensive; in "shirt-factory +air" he declares, upon honor, "there are little filaments of linen and +cotton, with minute eggs" (goodness gracious!) "Threshing machines," he +more than insinuates, "fill the air with fibres, starch-grains and +spores," (spores! think of that;) and (what is truly ha(i)rrowing,) in +"stables and barber's shops" you cannot but breathe "scales and hairs." +Good Heavens!</p> + <p>What he says of printers and smokers is simply horrible; in +short, this dreadful SIGERSON has gone and made life a wretched and +lingering (to quote the sensitive Mrs. GAMP,) "progiss through this +mortial wale."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacation.</b></p> + <p>When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no +particular outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to +comprehends only males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. +But when we go to the Adirondacks,—certainly a most extraordinary place +of summer resort,—we require an outfit which is as remarkable as the +region itself. Thoroughly understanding this necessity, Mr. PUNCHINELLO +made himself entirely ready for a life in the woods before he set out +for the Adirondack Mountains. Witness the completeness of his +preparations.</p> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/06a.jpg"> </center> + <p>The railroad to the heart of this delightful resort is not yet +finished, and when Mr. P. had completed his long journey, in which the +excellence and abominabitity,—so to speak,—of every American form of +conveyance was exhibited, he was glad enough to see before him those +charming wilds which are gradually being tamed down by the well-to-do +citizens of New York and Boston. He found that it was necessary, in +order to enter the district, to pass through a gate in a high +pale-fence, and, to his surprise, he was informed that he must buy a +ticket before being allowed to proceed. On inquiry, he discovered that +the Reverend Mr. MURRAY, of Boston, claiming the whole Adirondack +region by right of discovery, had fenced it entirely in, and demanded +entrance money of all visitors.</p> + <p>This was bad, to be sure, but there was no help for it, and +Mr. P. bought his ticket and passed in.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/06b.jpg"> + <p>The Adirondack scenery is peculiar. In the first place, there +are no pavements or gravel walks.</p> + <p>This is a grievous evil, and should be remedied by Mr. MURRAY +as soon as possible. The majority of the paths are laid out in the +following manner.</p> + <p>The scenery, however, would be very fine if the bugs were +transparent.</p> + <p>The multitudes of insectivorous carnivora, which arose to +greet Mr. P., effectually prevented him from seeing anything more than +a yard distant.</p> + <p>But if this had been all, Mr. P. would not have uttered a word +of complaint. It was not all, by any means.</p> + <p>These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; +yellow bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed +hornets; and all the rest of them settled down upon him until they +covered him like a suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended +to a traveller in a strange land.</p> + <img alt="" align="left" src="images/06c.jpg"> + <p>In case his readers should not be familiar with the animal, +the accompanying drawing will give an admirable idea of the celebrated +black-fly of the Adirondacks, which, with the grizzly bear and the +rattlesnake, occupies the front rank among American ferocious animals.</p> + <p>After travelling on foot for a day and a night; drenched by +rain; scorched by the sun; crippled by rocks and roots; frightened by +rattle-snakes and panthers; blistered and swollen by poisonous insects; +nearly starved; tired to death; and presenting the most pitiable +appearance in the world, Mr. P. reached the encampment of Mr. MURRAY, +proprietor and exhibitor of the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>Knowing that there was quite a large company in the camp, Mr. +P. was almost ashamed to show himself in such a doleful plight, but he +soon found that there was no need for any scruples on that account, as +they were all as wretched looking as himself.</p> + <p>Mr. MURRAY welcomed him cordially, and after building a +"smudge" around him to keep off the flies, he gave Mr. P. some Boston +brown-bread and a glass of pure water from a rill.</p> + <p>This, with a sip from Mr. P.'s little flask, revived him +considerably, and after a night's rest on the lee side of a tree, where +the rain did not wet him nearly so much as if he had been on the other +side, Mr. P. felt himself equal to the task of enjoying the Adirondacks.</p> + <p>That morning, Mr. MURRAY conducted a melancholy party of +disconsolate pleasure-seekers to a neighboring stream, where he +instructed them to fish for trout.. He told them they must revel in the +delights of the scene, and should tremble with the wild rapture of +drawing from the rushing waters the bounding trout.</p> + <p>Mr. P. tried very hard to do this. He put his prettiest fly +and his sharpest hook on his longest line, and, for hours, gently +whipped the ripples. At last a speckled representative of the American +National Game-fish took compassion on the patient fisherman and entered +into a contest of skill with him. (A friendly match, and no bets on +either side.) The game lasted some time. The fish made some splendid +"fly-catches;" and Mr. P., slipping on a wet stone at the edge of the +brook, got in once on his base. On this occasion, the line and a +black-berry bush arranged a decided "foul" between them. At last, just +at the most interesting point of the game, the sudden sting of a +steel-bee caused Mr. P. to give a quick bawl, when the fish took a +home-run and came back no more. Time of game, 3h., 50m.</p> + <pre> Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0---1.<br> + Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75. + </pre> + <p>That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, +Shanty Brook, Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little +mountain gutters of the kind than you could count on your fingers and +toes. As an aristocratic residence, this region is certainly superior +to New York, for the Murray Hills are as plenty as blackberries. The +next day they all went up Mount Marcy. When the ascent was completed, +everybody lay down and went to sleep. They were too tired to bother +themselves about the view. At length, after a good nap, Mr. MURRAY got +up and wakened the party, and they all came down.</p> + <img alt="" align="right" src="images/07.jpg"> + <p>They came by the way of the "grand slide," but Mr. P. didn't +like it. His tailor, however, will no doubt think very highly of it.</p> + <p>When all was quiet, that evening, on Dangle-worm Creek, near +which they were encamped, Mr. P. found the Reverend MURRAY sitting in +the smoke of his private smudge, enjoying his fragrant pipe. Seating +himself by the veteran pioneer, Mr. P. addressed him thus:</p> + <p>"Tell me, Mr. MURRAY, in confidence, your opinion of the +Adirondacks."</p> + <p>"Sir," said Mr. MURRAY, "I have no objection to give a person +of your respectability and knowledge of the world my opinion of this +region, but I do not wish it made public."</p> + <p>"Of course, sir!" said Mr. P. "A man of your station and +antecedents would not wish his private opinions to be made too public. +You may rely upon my discretion."</p> + <p>"Well, then," said the reverend mountaineer, "I think the +Adirondacks an unmitigated humbug, and I wish I had never let the world +know that there was such a place."</p> + <p>"Why then do you come here every season, sir?"</p> + <p>"After all I have written and said about it," said Mr. MURRAY, +"I have to come to keep up appearances. Don't you see? But I hate these +mountains from the bottom of my heart. For every word I have written in +praise of the region I have a black-fly-bite on my legs. For every word +I have said in favor of it I have a scratch or a bruise in some other +part of my corpus. I wish that there was no such a season as +summer-time, or else no such a place as the Adirondacks."</p> + <p>(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as +those are Mr. MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he +makes in public, and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.)</p> + <p>It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. +arrived home safely and with whole bones.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: The editor of the Slunkville <i>Lyre</i> +says in his last issue:—</p> + <p>"Notwithstanding the calumnies of Mr. SKINNER, our reputation +is still good, and we continue to pay our debts promptly."</p> + <p>This is the fifth hoax he has perpetrated within two weeks. +His line of business at present seems to be the <i>canard</i> line.</p> + <p>I'll trust him out of sight if I can keep one eye on him. Not +otherwise.</p> + <p>For a light recreation, combining a little business, I +recommend his funeral.</p> + <p>It is pleasant to reflect that men of his stamp are never born +again. They are born once too much as it is.</p> + <p>He went to the Agricultural Fair last Fall. There was a big +potato there. After gazing spell-bound upon it for one hour, he rushed +home and set the following in type:</p> + <p>"What is the difference between the Rev. ADAM CLARK, and the +big potato at the fair? One is a Commentator, and the other is an <i>Un</i>common +'tater."</p> + <p>This conundrum was so exquisitely horrible, that his friends +hoped he'd have judgment enough to hang himself, but such things die +hard.</p> + <p>Colonel W-----'s Goat. Colonel W-----, is a great man in these +parts Like most village nabobs, he's a corpulent gentleman with a great +show of dignity, and in a white vest and gold-headed cane, looks +eminently respectable. He owns a hot-house, keeps a big dog that is +very savage, and his wife wears a silk dress at least three times a +week,—either of which will establish a man's reputation in a country +town.</p> + <p>Everything belonging to the Colonel is held in the utmost awe +by the villagers. The paper speaks of him as "our esteemed and talented +townsman, Col. W.," and alludes to his "beautiful and accomplished +wife," who, by the way, was formerly waiter in an oyster saloon, and +won the Colonel's affection by the artless manner in which she would +shout: "Two stews, plenty o' butter."</p> + <p>Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something +just where he is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, +eighteen carat fraud.</p> + <p>Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to +drive in harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, +near the house. One day, a man wandering over this cliff fell and was +instantly killed, evidently having come in contact with the goat, for +the animal's neck was broken.</p> + <p>But what amused me was the way the aforesaid editor spoke of +the affair. He wrote half a column on the "sad death of Col. W's. +goat," but not a word of the unfortunate dead man, till he wound up as +follows:</p> + <p>"We omitted to state that a dead man was picked up near the +unfortunate goat. It is supposed that this person, in wandering over +the cliff, lost his foothold and fell, striking the doomed animal in +his progress. Thus, through the carelessness of this obscure +individual, was Col. W's. poor little goat hurled into eternity."</p> + <p>The Superintendent asked me last Sunday to take charge of a +class. "You'll find 'em rather a bad lot" said he. "They all went +fishing last Sunday but little JOHNNY RAND. <i>He</i> is really a good +boy, and I hope his example may yet redeem the others. I wish you'd +talk to 'em a little."</p> + <p>I told him I would.</p> + <p>They were rather a hard looking set. I don't think I ever +witnessed a more elegant assortment of black eyes in my life. Little +JOHNNY RAND, the good boy, was in his place, and I smiled on him +approvingly. As soon as the lessons were over, I said:</p> + <p>"Boys, your Superintendent tells me you went fishing last +Sunday. All but little JOHNNY, here."</p> + <p>"You didn't go, did you, JOHNNY?" I said.</p> + <p>"No, sir."</p> + <p>"That was right. Though this boy is the youngest among you," I +continued, "you will now learn from his lips words of good counsel, +which I hope you will profit by."</p> + <p>I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn +ringlets.</p> + <p>"Now, JOHNNY, I want you to tell your teacher, and these +wicked boys, why you didn't go fishing with them last Sunday. Speak up +loud, now. It was because it was very wicked, and you had rather come +to the Sunday School. Wasn't it?"</p> + <p>"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait."</p> + <p>Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs.</p> + <hr style="width: 10%;"> + <p>It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic +nature in an article intended to be humorous, but the following +displays such infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of +mind, that I cannot forbear. Although it occurred when I was quite +young, it is firmly impressed on my memory:</p> + <p>The autumn winds sighed drearily through the leafless trees, +as the solemn procession passed slowly into the quiet church-yard, and +paused before the open grave, where all that was mortal of LUCY C----- +was to be laid away forever, and when the white-haired old pastor, with +trembling voice, recounted her last moments, sobs broke out afresh, for +she was beloved by all.</p> + <p>The bereaved husband stood a little apart, and, though no tear +escaped him, yet we all instinctively felt that his heart was wrung +with agony, and his burden greater than he could bear. With folded +arms, and eyes bent upon the coffin, he seemed buried in a deep and +painful reverie. None dared intrude upon a grief so sacred. At last, +turning to his brother, and pointing to the coffin, he said:</p> + <p>"JOHN, don't you call that rather a neat looking box for four +dollars?"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Financial.</b></p> + <p>Our French editor thinks that the Imperial revenues ought to +be doubled at once, on the ground of the too evident Income-pittance of +the Emperor.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/08.jpg"> + <p>AN EXCURSION.</p> + <p><i>Fanny</i>. "ISN'T IT TOO BAD, FRANK; WE SHALL GET BACK TO +TOWN LONG BEFORE DARK."</p> + <p>(<i>Fact is, Fanny has a thick shawl, and it would be so nice +to share it with Frank.</i>)</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I see you have been at the White Sulphur +Springs; but you forgot to tell us what we were all dying to hear about +the waters. Several friends had suggested that I should go to some +watering place where I could get nothing else but water to drink, or to +some spring where I couldn't get "sprung." I tried the White Sulphur, +and while there learned some facts that may be useful to others who +seek them for a similar purpose.</p> + <p>These springs differ from the European springs in that they +were not discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so +far, and it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur +water could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with +Yankees who take whiskey with it. I was asked if I would like to +analyse the water, (as everything here is done by analysis under the +eye of the resident physician.) <i>My</i> analysis was done entirely +under the nose.</p> + <p>I raised a glass of the enchanted fluid to my lips: but my +nose said very positively, "Don't do it," and I didn't. I told my +conductor I had analyzed it, and he seemed not a little astonished at +the rapidity and simplicity of the method. He asked me if I would be +kind enough to write out a statement of the result after the manner of +Dr. HAYES, Prof. ROGERS, and others who have examined these waters and +testified that they would cure everything but hydrophobia. I told him I +would, and retiring to my room, wrote as follows:</p> + <p>"Sulphur water contains mineral properties of a sulphuric +character, owing to the fact that the water runs over beds of sulphur. +Nobody has ever seen these beds, but they are supposed to constitute +the cooler portions of those dominions corresponding to the Christian +location of Purgatory. Sinners, preliminary to being plunged into the +fiery furnace, are laid out on these beds and wrapped in damp sheets by +chambermaids regularly attached to the establishment. This is meant to +increase the torture of their subsequent sufferings, and there can be +no doubt that it succeeds. Herein we have also an explanation of the +reason of these waters coming to the surface of the earth—it is to give +patients and other <i>miserables</i> who drink them a foretaste of +future horrors. Passing from this branch of the subject to the analysis +proper, I find that fifty thousand grains of sulphur water divided, +into one hundred parts, contains,</p> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td>Bilge water,</td> + <td>95.75</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Sulphate of Bilgerius,</td> + <td>1.855</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Chloride of Bilgeria,</td> + <td>.285</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Carbonate de Bilgique,</td> + <td>.750</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Silica Bilgica,</td> + <td>1.955</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td>Hydro-sulp-Bil,</td> + <td>.28</td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <p>Twenty thousand grains of the water would contain less of the +above element than fifty thousand grains, which ought to be mentioned +as another one of the remarkable peculiarities of this most remarkable +fluid."</p> + <p>I sent the foregoing scientific deductions to the "Resident +Physician," and the bearer told me afterwards that the venerable +Esculapian only observed,—"Well, the writer of that must have been a +most egregious ass. There is no such thing as 'Sulphate of Bilgerius,' +or 'Silica Bilgica,' or anything like them", and then the old fellow +chuckled to himself over my supposed ignorance. I was willing he +should. I'm accustomed to being called an ass, and always like to be +recognized by my kindred. Chemically thine,</p> + <p>SULPHURO.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COOL, IF NOT COMFORTABLE.</b></p> + <p>Apropos of complications arising out of the late Navy +Appropriation Law, a daily paper states as follows:</p> + <p>"The decision of the Attorney General now forces him to turn +the balance into the Treasury, and the sailors have to go unclothed."</p> + <p>How this decision will affect recruiting for our navy yet +remains to be seen, though it is probable that but few civilized men +can be found to join a service in which nudity is obligatory. In such +torrid weather as we are having, JACK ashore with nothing on, except, +perhaps, a Panama hat, will be a novel and refreshing object—but how +about the police?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/09.jpg"> + <p>LAW VERSUS LAWLESSNESS. THE VIRTUOUS ALLIES OF THE NEW YORK +"SUN" ENGAGED IN THEIR CONGENIAL OCCUPATION OF THROWING DIRT.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN ON BASE BALL.</b></p> + <p>A Match Game between Centenarians.—"Roomatix" vs. +"Bloostockin's."</p> + <p>The veterans of the war of 1812 of this place, organized a +base ball club.</p> + <p>It was called the "Roomatix base ball club."</p> + <p>A challinge was sent to the "Bloo stockin' base ball club," an +old man's club in an adjoinin' town. They met last week to play a match +game.</p> + <p>It required rather more macheenery than is usually allowed in +this grate nashunal game of chance.</p> + <p>For instance: The pitchers haden't very good eye-site, and +were just as liable to pitch a ball to "2nd base," as to "Home base."</p> + <p>To make a sure thing of it, a big long tin tube was made, on +the principle of the Noomatic tunnel under Broadway, New York. A large +thing, like a molasses funnel, was made, onto the end facin' the +pitcher.</p> + <p>The old man ceased the ball and pitched it into the brod +openin'. The raceway was slantin' downwards, towords the "<i>Homebase.</i>" +The batter stood at his post, with an ear trumpet at his ear, and a +wash-bord in his two hands holdin' onto the handles.</p> + <p>When he heard the ball come rollin' down the tin, he would +"muff" it with his wash-bord. Then the excitement would begin. The +"striker" would start off and go feelin' about the "field" for the +base, while the "outs" got down onto their bands and knees and went +huntin' for the ball.</p> + <p>Sometimes a "fielder," whose sense of feelin' wasen't very +acute, got hold of a cobble stun, then he would waddle, and grope his +way about, to find the base. But I tell you it was soothin' fun for the +old men.</p> + <p>After lookin' 20 minuts for a ball, then findin' the base +before the batter did, who just as like as not had strayed out into +another lot, it made the old fellers laff.</p> + <p>Sometimes two players would run into each other and go +tumblin' over together. Then the "Umpire" would go and get them onto +their pins agin, and give 'em a fresh start.</p> + <p>On each side of this interestin' match game, was two old men +who went on crutches.</p> + <p>It was agreed, as these men coulden't run the bases, that a +man be blindfolded and wheel these aged cripples about the bases in a +wheel-barrer.</p> + <p>The minnit these old chaps would "strike," they dropped their +crutches, and the umpire would dump them into the <i>vehicle,</i> and +away went mister striker.</p> + <p>A player was bein' wheeled this way once, and the "outs" was +down onto their marrow-bones tryin' to find the ball, when a splash! +was heard. The wheel-barrer man had run his cart into a goose pond, and +made a scatterin' among the geese.</p> + <p>"Fowl!" cride the Umpire.</p> + <p>The wheel-barrer man drew his lode ashore.</p> + <p>"Out!" hollers the Umpire.</p> + <p>And another victim went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>Bets were offered 2 to one, that "The Roomatixs" would <i>pass</i> +more balls—on their hands and knees—than the "Bloostockin's." These +bets were freely taken—by obligin' stake-holders.</p> + <p>A friend of the "Bloostockin's" jumped upon a pile of stuns +and said:</p> + <p>"15 to 10 'the Roomatix' have got more <i>blinds</i> than the +'Bloostockin's.'"</p> + <p>No takers—I guess he would have won his bet, for just at this +juncture a "Roomatix" was at the bat.</p> + <p>The Umpire moved his head.</p> + <p>The old man thought it was the ball, and he "muffed" the +"Umpire's" head with his wash-bord.</p> + <p>The Umpire turned suddenly and wanted to know: "Who was firin' +spit balls at his back hair?"</p> + <p>One "innins," the ball was rolled through, it struck the +batter in the rite eye.</p> + <p>"Out on rite eye," cride the Umpire, and the batter was minus +an eye.</p> + <p>Next man to the bat.</p> + <p>His eyes were gummy. He coulden't see the ball.</p> + <p>He heard the ball rollin'.</p> + <p>He raised his wash-board.</p> + <p>His strength gave way.</p> + <p>Down came the bat, and the handle of the wash-bord entered his +eye.</p> + <p>"Out! on the left eye," screams the Umpire.</p> + <p>Old man No. 3 went to the wash-bord.</p> + <p>The ball came tearin' along.</p> + <p>It was a little too swift for the old man.—Rather too much +"English" into it. It "Kissed" and made a "scratch," strikin' the +"Cushion" between the old man's eyes.</p> + <p>This gave him the "cue." Tryin' to make a "draw" with the wash +bord, so as to "Uker" the ball, and "checkmate" the other club, he was +"distansed," and his spectacles went flyin', smashin' the glass and +shuttin' off his eyesite.</p> + <p>"Out! agin," bellers the Umpire.</p> + <p>This was the first <i>Blind</i> innin's for the "Roomatix."</p> + <p>The "Bloostockin's" bein' told how this innin's stood, by +addressin' them through their ear-trumpets, made a faint effort to +holler "Whooray!"</p> + <p>And, I am grieved to say it, one by-stander, who diden't +understand the grate nashunal game, wanted to know:</p> + <p>"What in thunder them old dry bones was cryin' about"</p> + <p>It was a crooel remark, altho' the old men, not bein' used to +hollerin' much, and not havin' any teeth, did make rather queer work +tryin' to holler.</p> + <p>Ime sorry to say, the game wasen't finished.</p> + <p>Refreshments were served at the end of this innin's, +consistin' of Slippery Elm tea and water gruel.</p> + <p>The old men eat harty.</p> + <p>This made them sleepy, and the consequence was, that the +minnit they was led out on the grass, "Sleep, barmy sleep," got the +best of 'em, and they laid down and slept like infants.</p> + <p>Both nines were then loaded onto stone botes and drawn off of +the field.</p> + <p>The friends of both sides <i>drew</i> their stake money, and +the Umpire, <i>drawin'</i> a long breath, declared the match a <i>draw</i> +game.</p> + <p>Basely Ewers, HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bad Eggs.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The following suggestive item appears in an evening paper:</p> + <p>"Illinois boasts of chickens hatched by the sun."</p> + <p>Well, New York can beat Illinois at that game. The chickens +hatched by the <i>Sun</i>, here, are far too numerous for counting, +and they are curses of the kind that will assuredly "come home to +roost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Disagreeable, but True.</b></p> + <br> + <p>The restoration of the Bourbon dynasty is reckoned possible in +France.</p> + <p>In this country the Bourbon die-nasty has never been played +out. It is a malignant disease, sometimes known as <i>delirium tremens.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Musical.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Mlle. Silly, the daily papers inform us, has been engaged for +the Grand Opera House in <i>opera bouffe</i>, and will make her <i>début</i> +about the middle of September. The lady should not be confounded with +any of our New York "girls of the period" who bear, (or ought to bear,) +her name.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Caution to Readers.</b></p> + <br> + <p>Seven steady business men of this city, four solid capitalists +of Boston, eighteen Frenchmen residents of the United States, but doing +business nowhere, and a German butcher in the Bowery, have just been +added to sundry lunatic asylums, their intellects having become +hopelessly deranged from reading the conflicting telegrams about the +war in Europe.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Parallel.</b></p> + <br> + <p>In one of the reports of the Coroner's investigation of the +Twenty-third street murder, it was mentioned that "Several ladies and +some young children occupied chairs within the railing."</p> + <p>When REAL was hanged, it was noticeable that a great number of +women appeared in the morbid crowd that surrounded the Tombs, many of +them with small children in their arms.</p> + <p>Fifth Avenue and Five Points! Six of one and half-a-dozen of +the other! Blood <i>will</i> tell!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><b>THE HAZARD OF THE HORSE-CARS.</b></p> + </center> + <table align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><img alt="" src="images/12.jpg"></td> + <td><img alt="" src="images/13.jpg"></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>THIS IS STUBBS, (<i>an incorrigible old bachelor</i>,) +WHO TAKES AN OPEN CAB, FOR GREENWOOD, AND IS COMPELLED TO DO THE WHOLE +DISTANCE SO.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>AND THIS IS THE WAY IN WHICH DOBBS, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN +DELIGHTED WITH STUBB'S LUCK, IS MADE TO SUFFER MARTYRDOM ON <i>his</i> +LITTLE EXCURSION.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO V.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>These lines the observant student of nursery literature will +perceive are satirical. Was there ever a poet who was not satirical? +How could he be a genius and not be able to point out the folly he sees +around him and comment upon it. In this case, the poor poet,—who lived +in a roseate cloud-land of his own, not desiring such mundane things as +sleep and food, was undoubtedly troubled and plagued to death by having +brothers and sisters who were of the earth, earthy; and who never +neglected on opportunity to laugh at his poems; to squirt water on him +when in the heavenly mood, his eyes in frenzy rolling; to put spiders +down his back; to stick pins in his elbows when writing; or upset his +inkstand.</p> + <p>Fine natures always have a deal to bear, in this world, from +the coarse, unfeeling natures that cannot appreciate their delicacy; +and this one had more than his share.</p> + <p>Many a time has he been goaded to frenzy by the cruel sneers +and jokes of those who should have been proud of his talents; and +rushed with wild-eyed eagerness down to the gentle frog pond, intending +there to bury his sorrows beneath its glassy surface. He saw in +imagination the grief-stricken faces of those cruel ones as they gazed +upon his cold corpus, with his damp locks clinging to his noble brow, +the green slimy weeds clasped in his pale hands, and the mud oozing +from his pockets and the legs of his pants; and he gloried in the +remorse and anguish they would feel when they knew that the Poet of the +family was gone forever.</p> + <p>All this he pictured as he stood on the bank, and, while +thinking, the desire to plunge in grew smaller by degrees and +beautifully less, till at last it vanished entirely, and he concluded +he had better go home, finish his book first and drown himself +afterwards, if necessary. It would make much more stir in the world, +and his name and works might live forever.</p> + <p>A happy thought strikes him as he slowly meanders homeward. He +would have revenge. He would punish these wretches by handing down—to +posterity their peculiarities. He would put it in verse and have it +printed in his book, and then they'd see that even the gentle worm +could turn and sting.</p> + <p>Ah! blessed thought. He flies to his garret bedroom, seizes +his goose-quill and paper, and sits down. What shall he write about? He +nibbles the feather end of his pen, plunges the point into the ink, +looks at it intently to see if he has hooked up an idea, sees none, and +falls to nibbling again. Ah! now he has it. There is TOM, the +dunderhead, who is always sleepy and he will put that down about him. +Squaring his shoulders, he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Let's go to bed," says Sleepy +Head.</span><br> + <p>Gleefully he rubs his hands. Won't that cut TOM. Ah! Ha! I +guess TOM won't say much more about staring at the moon. Now for DICK, +the old stupid. What shall he say about him? The end of the pen +diminishes slowly but surely, and then he writes:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Tarry awhile," says Slow.</span><br> + <p>That will answer for DICK. Now let him give HARRY something +scorching, withering, and cutting—so that he'll never open his mouth +again unless it is to put something in it. Oh, that is it, he is always +hungry—rub him on that. He thinks intently. Determination shows in +every line of his face; the pen is almost gone only an inch remains, +and then the Poet masters his subject. He has got the last two lines.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Put on the pot," says Greedy Gut,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"We'll sup before we go."</span><br> + <p>He throws down the stump of the pen and bounces up. His object +in life is accomplished; he is master of the situation, now, and holds +the trump card. See the quiet smile' and knowing look as he folds the +paper up, and thrusts it into his pocket. He is going down-stairs to +read it to the family. Now is the time for sweet revenge and for the +overthrow of those Philistines, his brothers. He descends slowly, like +an avenging angel, enters the room, and—gentle reader, imagine the rest.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Ridiculous Rub-a-dub.</b></p> + <p>A quiet gentleman who occupies lodgings immediately opposite +one of the city armories, writes to us asking whether the drum corps +that practice there two or three evenings in the week should not be +supplied with noiseless drums, as PUNCHINELLO has suggested regarding +the street organs. PUNCHINELLO thinks the suggestion a good one. He +would like to see the beating of drums after night-fall abolished +altogether In fact, it is the only kind of Dead Beat to which he would +lend his countenance.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Clear Case.</b></p> + <p>Some wiseacre has been trying to demonstrate, through the +public press, that POE did not write "The Raven."</p> + <p>The man must be a Raven lunatic.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE BALLARD OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY, AGED TEN, AND HIS BAD +BROTHER.</b></p> + <p>An obituary notice of a boy, 10 years old, in <i>The +Wilmington Commercial</i>, contains the following statement: "In his +dying moments he charged his brother WILLIAM not to dance, or sing any +more songs. Funeral services preached by the Rev WM. R. TUBB."</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This pious Boy lay on his bed,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A dying very fast;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">'Most every word this good Boy +said,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">They thought 'twould be his last.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The Reverend Mr. TUBB was there,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">A praying very slow;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It was a solemn, sad affair;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Twas plain the Boy must go.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">His brother WILLIAM:, he come +o'er,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To which this good Boy cried,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Oh, BILL, don't sing nor dance +no more!"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And following which he died.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now WILLIAM, he had learnt a song</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That pleased him very much:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He didn't know that it was wrong</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">To carol any such.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He said he couldn't leave it go,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Not if he was to die;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And that same song, as all should +know,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Was called by him, "Shoo Fly."</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was informed by Mr. TUBBS</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">That he would fall down dead,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Or else get killed by stones or +clubs,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">With that thing in his head.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But, such is life! Poor WILLIAM +went</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And sung his Shoo Fly o'er:</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not knowing that he would be sent</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Where Shoo Flies are no more,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">He was a singing, one wet day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And likewise dancing too,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When lightning took his sole away—</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Let this warn me and you!</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HINTS FOR THE CENSUS.</b></p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: I have always been in favor of the Census, +the system is questionable, perhaps, though that depends on how you +like it. I have found that it answers very well where the parties are +highly intelligent-like myself, for example.</p> + <p>I drew up the following proclamation to read to the U.S. +official in my district:</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your name? <i>A</i> SARSFIELD YOUNG. What +is yours?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your age? <i>A.</i> A., being asked how old +he was, replied: If I live as long again, and half as long again, and +two years and a half,—how old shall I be?</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where is your residence? <i>A.</i> I live at home +with the family, have often thought that, amid pleasures and palaces, +there is no place like home, unless it be a boarding house with hot and +cold water.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What is your occupation? <i>A.</i> Taxpayer. This +takes my whole time</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Where were you born? <i>A.</i> Having made no +minute of it at the time, it has passed out of my memory.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What kind of a house do you live in? <i>A.</i> A +mortgaged house, painted flesh color, a front exposure, brick windows +and a brass lightning rod. A good deal of back yard, (and back rent,) +to it.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> At what age did your grandfather die? <i>A.</i> If +he died last night, (I saw him yesterday at a horse race,) he was +turning ninety-eight, perhaps he got tipped over in the turn.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Do you hold any official position: if so, what? <i>A.</i> +Inspector of fish,—every Friday.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you insured? A. I am agent for half a dozen +companies. So are all my neighbors. My life is insured against fire for +several thousands.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you troubled with chilblains? <i>A.</i> +Quitely. I soak my feet in oil of vitriol.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Were you in the war? <i>A.</i> I have the scar on +my arm which I got in the service. I was vaccinated severely, while +clerk to a substitute broker at Troy, N. Y.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you a graduate of any College. <i>A.</i> Yes, +of one. I forget which one. I only remember that I was one of the most +remarkable men they ever turned out.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Have you suffered from the potato rot? <i>A,</i> +Not myself. My uncle had it bad. He found that whiskey and warm water +was a very good thing. I've made an independent discovery of the same +fact, also.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Are you in favor of Free Trade or Protection? <i>A</i>. +I can only say that, if elected, gentlemen, I shall endeavor to do my +whole duty. I am.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> What do you think of deep plowing? <i>A.</i> In a +scanty population, I should say it has a bad effect. I can recommend +it, however, in a sandy soil, where school privileges are first-class.</p> + <p><i>Q.</i> Does anything else occur to you which it is +important for the Government to know? <i>A.</i> Yes: a hay fever +occurs to me regularly once a year. I have no policy to enforce against +the will of the people: Still I would call the attention of the +medicine-loving public to my friend Dr. EZRA CUTLER'S "Noon-day +Bitters." For ringing in the ears, loss of memory, bankruptcy, +teething, and general debility, they are without a rival. No family +should live more than five minutes walk from a bottle. They gild the +morning of youth, cherish manhood, and comfort old age, with the name +blown on the bottle in plain letters. Beware of impositions-at all +respectable druggists.</p> + <p>* * I believe in taking things easy, and I shall cheerfully +assist the Administration, when it calls at my door on Census business.</p> + <p>SARSFIELD YOUNG.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Facilis Descensus</b></p> + <p>The daily papers frequently have articles respecting the "Hell +Gate Obstructions." We do not, however, remember having seen that +subject handled in the <i>Sun.</i> Perhaps it is that DANA and DYER, +conscious of their deserts, do not anticipate any obstructions in that +quarter.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/14.jpg"> + <p><b>ARISTOCRACY IN THE KITCHEN.</b></p> + <p><i>Lady</i>, (responsively.) "THAT FASHIONABLY DRESSED WOMAN +WHO HAS JUST PASSED, DEAR? OH, THAT'S MY COOK, TAKING HER SUNDAY WITH +THE GROCER'S YOUNG MAN. SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES ME ON SUCH OCCASIONS."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT?</b></p> + <p>Having made up my mind to become a novelist, I naturally +studied the productions of my predecessors, and found out, I assure +you, in a very brief period of time, the little tricks of the trade. As +I do not wish to have the business flooded with neophytes, I refrain +from informing your readers how every man can become his own novel +writer. One very curious thing, however, which I discovered, I will +here relate.</p> + <p>I was very much puzzled by the curious titles which novelists +selected for their books, and very much annoyed by my inability to +discover where they picked them up. I persevered, however, and +discovered that they found them in the daily papers. In fact, I +shrewdly suspect that I have discovered, in these veracious sheets, the +very incidents which suggested the names of a number of volumes. Let me +place before you the extracts, which I have culled from the papers.</p> + <p><i>"Put Yourself in his Place."</i>--READE.</p> + <p>"Yesterday morning an unknown man was found hanging from the +limbs of a tree in JONES' Wood. He was quite dead when discovered."</p> + <p><i>"Red as a Rose is She."</i></p> + <p>"Bridget Flynn was arrested for vagrancy. When brought before +the Court she was quite drunk. She had evidently been a hard drinker +for years, as her face was of a brilliant carmine color."</p> + <p><i>"Man and Wife."</i> COLLINS.</p> + <p>"Married.—At Salt Lake City, on the 1st day of August, 1870, +BRIGHAM YOUNG, Esq., to Miss LETITIA BLACK, Mrs. SUSAN BROWN and Miss +JENNIE SMITH."</p> + <p><i>"What will he do with it?"</i> BULWER.</p> + <p>"It is stated by the police authorities, that the description +of Mr. NATHAN'S watch has been spread so widely, that the robber will +be unable to dispose of it to any jeweler or pawnbroker."</p> + <p><i>"Our Mutual Friend"</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"England is supplying both France and Prussia with horses."</p> + <p><i>"John."</i>—Mrs. OLIPHANT.</p> + <p>"Mr. SAMPSON has sent to California for another cargo of +Chinese shoemakers."</p> + <p><i>"Friends in Council."</i>—HELPS.</p> + <p>"Mr. Drew and Mr. Fisk were closeted together for more than an +hour yesterday."</p> + <p><i>"A Tale of Two Cities."</i>—DICKENS.</p> + <p>"The census will show that our city has a population of at +least 500,000."—<i>Chicago paper.</i></p> + <p>"St Louis has undoubtedly a population of 400,000."—<i>St. +Louis paper.</i></p> + <p>"Chicago, 300,000; St. Louis, 190,000."—<i>Census returns.</i></p> + <p><i>"Stern Necessity."</i>--F.W. ROBINSON.</p> + <p>"It is stated that a well-known yacht failed to win the prize +in the late race, because her rudder slipped out of her fastenings and +was lost."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>ITEMS FROM OUR RURAL REPORTERS.</b></p> + <p>A German farmer, living not one hundred miles from Cincinnati, +is raising trichinated pork for the supply of the French army.</p> + <p>The artist who drew the Newfoundland dog (out of the water,) +at Newport, R.I., has received a medal from the Royal Humane Society of +England, on condition that he will not Meddle with dogs any more.</p> + <p>Near Ashland, in Virginia, a spring has been discovered that +runs chicken soup. So great was the commotion in culinary arrangements, +when the discovery was made public, that "the dish ran after the spoon."</p> + <p>The curious crustacean known as the "fiddler crab" is +unusually numerous in the marshes of Long Island, this summer. It +differs from impecunious persons inasmuch as it is a burrowing, not a +borrowing, creature. It differs from ordinary fiddlers by two letters, +in that it bores the earth, but not the ear.</p> + <p>It is an established fact that persona who sleep on mattresses +stuffed with pigeon's feathers never die. Near Salem, Mass., there is +now a woman nearly two hundred years old, who has been bed-ridden and +confined to a pigeon-feather bed for one hundred and fifty years. One +of her descendants a shrewd man-has discovered that the pigeon feathers +are growing musty, and proposes to replace them with the plumage of +geese.</p> + <p>There is a wild man at large in the woods of Sullivan County, +N.Y. He was once a fast man of New York City, and is so fast, still, +that nobody can catch him.</p> + <p>A gentleman residing in the vicinity of Glen Cove had a +Newfoundland dog that was very expert at catching lobsters. The +faithful animal has been missing for some time, but a clue to its fate +was yesterday obtained by its owner, who found the brass collar of the +dog inside a large lobster with which he was about to construct a salad.</p> + <p>An English nobleman has taken up his residence in the centre +of the Dismal Swamp, Va. Blighted affections are supposed to be the +cause of his trouble, as he always wears at the top buttonhole of his +coat a <i>chignon</i> made of red hair.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>"That's what's the Matter."</b></p> + <p>Among the lectures announced for the coming season is Mrs. +CECILIA BURLEIGH'S "Woman's right to be a Woman." We quite agree with +Mrs. BURLEIGH'S remark. Woman <i>is</i> right to be a woman, but the +matter just now is that woman wants to be a man.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Couplet from a Shaker Song.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">O! Mr. President, you'll have to +keep on pegging</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">At this English Mission, which +seems to go a-begging.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.25em;">Hi! yi! yi! etc.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Extraordinary Bargains.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Respectfully call the attention of their Customers and +Strangers to their attractive Stock</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>OF</small></p> + <p>SUMMER AND FALL</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>DRESS SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p>Striped, Checked and Chine</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big>SILKS,</big></big></big></p> + <p><small>In great variety, $1 to $2 per yard;<br> +value $1.50 to $3</small></p> + <p><big>PLAIN FOULARD,</big></p> + <p><small>$1.50, value $2 per yard. 24 inch Black and White +Striped $1.75; value $2.50.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>STRIPED SATINS,</big></p> + <p>$1.25; value $2.</p> + <p>Plain and Striped Japanese,</p> + <p>75c. and $1 per yard.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Rich White and Colored Dress Satins,</p> + <p>Extra Quality.</p> + <p>A CHOICE LINE OF</p> + <p>PLAIN GRAINS,</p> + <p><small>for Evening and Street, $2.50 to $3;<br> +value $3 to $3.50 per yard.</small></p> + <p>A FEW EXTRA RICH</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>SATIN BROCADE SILKS, AMERICAN +SILKS,</big></p> + <p><small>Black and Colored, $2.</small></p> + <p><small>JOB LOT OF MEDIUM AND RICH</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>SILKS.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GREAT BARGAINS.</p> + <p><small>A COMPLETE STOCK</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>BLACK SILKS,</big></big></p> + <p><small>At popular prices.</small></p> + <p><small>PLAIN AND STRIPED</small></p> + <p>GAZE DE CHAMBREY,</p> + <p>Alexandre Best Kid Gloves, &c., &c.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="2"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Stewart & Co.</big></big></p> + <p><small>Are offering several lots of</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>HOUSEKEEPING GOODS</big></p> + <p><small>MUCH BELOW<br> +COST OF IMPORTATION.</small></p> + <p><small>5-8 and 3-4 Single and Double DAMASK NAPKINS, from $1 +to $3.50 per doz.</small></p> + <p><small>DAMASK TABLE CLOTHS, all sizes, from $1.50 to $2.75 +each.</small></p> + <p><small>Brown and Bleached TABLE DAMASK, all linen, from 40 to +75c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETING, from 60 to 90c. per yard.</small></p> + <p><small>PILLOW LINENS, from 30 to 70c. per yard</small></p> + <p><small>LINEN SHEETS, for Single and Double Beds, at $2.5O and +upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Fringed HUCKABACK TOWELS, $1 per doz. and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Bleached HUCKABACK TOWELS, 12 1-2 per yard and upward.</small></p> + <p><small>Excellent Kitchen Towelling. In 25 yard pieces, $3.25 +per piece.</small></p> + <p><small>Several Hundred pieces Linen Nursery Diapers, various +widths, at $1 per piece below Current prices.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">MARSEILLES</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">QUILTS AND BLANKETS,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>AT LOW PRICES.</small></p> + <p><small>Attention of House and Hotel Keepers is invited</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/16.jpg"> + <p><b>CROCODILE TEARS.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. 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