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diff --git a/old/10016.txt b/old/10016.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..67ddceb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10016.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2824 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello Vol. 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello Vol. 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10016] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO VOL. 1, NO. 21 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | for | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. M. 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No. 21. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | Should be addressed to | + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | Room No. 4 | + | | + | No. 93 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | CHARLES C. CHATFIELD & CO., | + | | + | New Haven, Conn., | + | | + | Have Just Published | + | | + | "THE AMERICAN COLLEGES AND | + | THE AMERICAN PUBLIC," | + | | + | BY | + | | + | PROF. 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The Steamboat | + | Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | ESTABLISHED 1866 | + | | + | JAS. R. Nichols, M.D., WM. J. Rolfe, A.M., Editors | + | | + | Boston Journal of Chemistry. | + | | + | Devoted to the Science of | + | | + | HOME LIFE, | + | | + | The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine. | + | | + | $1.00 Per Year. | + | | + | _Journal and Punchinello (without Premium)_ $4.00. | + | | + | Send for Specimen-Copy | + | | + | Address--JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, | + | | + | 150 CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +The + +MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORPHEUS C. KERR. + +CHAPTER XIV. + +CLOVES FOR THREE. + +Christmas Eve in Bumsteadville. Christmas Eve all over the world, but +especially where the English language is spoken. No sooner does the +first facetious star wink upon this Eve, than all the English-speaking +millions of this Boston-crowned earth begin casting off their hatreds, +meannesses, uncharities, and Carlyleisms, as a garment, and, in a +beautiful spirit of no objections to anybody, proceed to think what can +be done for the poor in the way of sincerely wishing them well. The +princely merchant, in his counting-room, involuntarily experiences the +softening, humanizing influence of the hour, and, in tones tremulous +with unwonted emotion, privately directs his Chief-Clerk to tell all the +other clerks, that, on this night of all the round year, they may, +before leaving the store at 10 o'clock, take almost any article from +that slightly damaged auction-stock down in the front cellar, at actual +cost-price. This, they are to understand, implies their Employer's +hearty wish of a Merry Christmas to them; and is a sign that, in the +grand spirit of the festal season, he can even forget and forgive those +unnatural leaner entry-clerks who are always whining for more than their +allotted $7 a week. The President of the great railroad corporation, in +the very middle of a growling fit over the extra cost involved in +purchasing his last Legislature, (owing to the fact that some of its +Members had been elected upon a fusion of Radical-Reform and +Honest-Workingman's Tickets,) is suddenly and mysteriously impressed +with the recollection that this is Christmas Eve. "Why, bless my soul, +so it is!" he cries, springing up from his littered rosewood desk like a +boy. "Here, you General Superintendent out there in the office!" sings +he, cheerily, "send some one down to Washington Market this instant, to +find out whether or not any of those luscious anatomical western turkies +that I saw in the barrels this morning are left yet. If the commercial +hotels down-town haven't taken them all, buy every remaining barrel at +once! Not a man nor boy in this Company's service shall go home to-night +without his Christmas dinner in his hand! Lively, now, Mr. JONES! and +just oblige me by picking out one of the birds for yourself, if you can +find one at all less blue than the rest. It's Christmas Eve, sir; and +upon my word I'm really sorry our boys have to work to-morrow as usual. +Ah! it's hard to be poor, JONES! A merry Christmas to us all. Here's my +carriage come for me." And even in returning to their homes from their +daily avocations, on Christmas Eve, how the most grasping, penurious +souls of men will soften to the world's unfortunate! Who is this poor +old lady, looking as though she might be somebody's grandmother, sitting +here by the wayside, shivering, on such an Eve as this? No home to +go?--Relations all dead?--Eaten nothing in two days?--Walked all the way +from the Woman's Rights Bureau in Boston?--Dear me! _can_ there be so +much suffering on Christmas Eve? I must do something for her, or my own +good dinner to-morrow will be a reproach to me. "Here! Policeman! just +take this poor old lady to the Station-House, and give her a good warm +home there until morning. There! cheer-up, Aunty; you're all right +_now._ This gentleman in the uniform has promised to take care of you. +Merry Christmas!"--Or, when at home, and that extremely bony lad, in the +thin summer coat, chatters to you, from the snow on the front-stoop, +about the courage he has taken from Christmas Eve to ask you for enough +to get a meal and a night's-lodging--how differently from your ordinary +style does a something soft in your breast impel you to treat him. "No +work to be obtained?" you say, in a light tone, to cheer him up. "Of +course there's none _here,_ my young friend. All the work here at the +East is for foreigners, in order that they may be used at election-time. +As for you, an American boy, why don't you go to h-- I mean to the West. +_Go West_, young man! Buy a good, stout farming outfit, two or three +serviceable horses, or mules, a portable house made in sections, a few +cattle, a case of fever medicine--and then go out to the far West upon +Government-land. You'd better go to one of the hotels for to-night, and +then purchase Mr. GREELEY'S 'What I Know About Farming,' and start as +soon as the snow permits in the morning. Here are ten cents for you. +Merry Christmas!"--Thus to honor the natal Festival of Him--the +Unselfish incarnate, the Divinely insighted--Who said unto the +lip-server: Sell all that thou hast, and give it to the Poor, and follow +Me; and from Whom the lip-server, having great possessions, went away +exceeding sorrowful! + +Three men are to meet at dinner in the Bumsteadian apartments on this +Christmas Eve. How has each one passed the day? + +MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, in his room in Gospeler's Gulch, reads Southern +tragedies in an old copy of the _New Orleans Picayune,_ until two +o'clock, when he hastily tears up all his soiled paper collars, packs a +few things into a travelling satchel, and, with the latter slung over +his shoulder, and a Kehoe's Indian club in his right hand, is met in the +hall by his tutor, the Gospeler. + +"What are you doing with that club, Mr. MONTGOMERY?" asks the Reverend +OCTAVIUS, hastily stepping back into a corner. + +"I've bought it to exercise with in the open air," answers the young +Southerner, playfully denting the wall just over his tutor's head with +it "After this dinner with Mr. DROOD, at BUMSTEAD'S, I reckon I shall +start on a walking match, and I've procured the club for exercise as I +go. Thus:" He twirls it high in the air, grazes Mr. SIMPSON'S nearer +ear, hits his own head accidentally, and breaks the glass in the +hat-stand. + +"I see! I see!" says the Gospeler, rather hurriedly. "Perhaps you _had_ +better be entirely alone, and in the open country, when you take that +exercise." + +Rubbing his skull quite dismally, the prospective pedestrian goes +straightway to the porch of the Alms-House, and there waits until his +sister comes down in her bonnet and joins him. + +"MAGNOLIA," he remarks, hastening to be the first to speak, in order to +have any conversational chance at all with her, "it is not the least +mysterious part of this Mystery of ours, that keeps us all out of doors +so much in the unseasonable winter month of December,[1] and now I am +peculiarly a meteorological martyr in feeling obliged to go walking for +two whole freezing weeks, or until the Holidays and this--this +marriage-business, are over. I didn't tell Mr. SIMPSON, but my real +purpose, I reckon, in having this club, is to save myself, by violent +exercise with it, from perishing of cold." + +"Must you do this, MONTGOMERY?" asks his colloquial sister, +thoughtfully. "Perhaps if I were to talk long enough with you--" + +"--You'd literally exhaust me into not going? Certainly you would," he +returns, confidently. "First, my head would ache from the constant +noise; then it would spin; then I should grow faint and hear you less +distinctly; then your voice, although you were talking-on the same as +ever, would sound like a mere steady hum to me; then I should become +unconscious, and be carried home, with you still whispering in my ear. +But do _not_ talk, MAGNOLIA; for I must do the walking-match. The +prejudice here against my Southern birth makes me a damper upon the +festivities of others at this general season of forgiveness to all +mankind, and I can't stand the sight of that DROOD and Miss POTTS +together. I'd better stay away until they have gone." + +He pauses a moment, and adds: "I wish I were not going to this dinner, +or that I were not carrying this club there." + +He shakes her hand and his own head, glances up at the storm-clouds now +gathering in the sky, goes onward to Mr. BUMSTEAD'S boarding-house, +halts at the door a moment to moisten his right hand and balance the +Indian club in it, and then enters. + +EDWIN DROOD'S day before merry Christmas is equally hilarious. Now that +the Flowerpot is no longer on his mind, the proneness of the masculine +nature to court misfortune causes him to think seriously of Miss +PENDRAGON, and wonder whether _she_ would make a wife to ruin a man? It +will be rather awkward, he thinks, to be in Bumsteadville for a week or +two after the Macassar young ladies shall have heard of his matrimonial +disengagement, as they will all be sure to sit symmetrically at every +front window in the Alms-House whenever he tries to go by; and he +resolves to escape the danger by starting for Egypt, Illinois, +immediately after he has seen Mr. DIBBLE and explained the situation to +him. Finding that his watch has run down, he steps into a jeweler's to +have it wound, and is at once subjected to insinuating overtures by the +man of genius. What does he think of this ring, which is exactly the +thing for some particular Occasions in Life? It is made of the metal for +which nearly all young couples marry now-a-days, is as endless as their +disagreements, and, by the new process, can be stretched to fit the +Second wife's hand, also. Or look at this pearl set. Very chaste, really +soothing; intended as a present from a Husband after First Quarrel. +These cameo ear-rings were never known to fail. Judiciously presented, +in a velvet case, they may be depended upon to at once divert a young +Wife from Returning to her Mother, as she has threatened. Ah! Mr. DROOD +cares for no more jewelry than his watch, chain and seal-ring? To be +sure! when Mr. BUMSTEAD was in yesterday for the regular daily new +crystal in his own watch--how _does_ he break so many!--_he_ said that +his beloved nephews wore only watches and rings, or he would buy paste +breastpins for them. Your oroide is now wound up, Mr. DROOD, and set at +twenty minutes past Two. + +"Dear old JACK!" thinks EDWIN to himself, pocketing his watch as he +walks away; "he thinks just twice as much of me as any one else in the +world, and I should feel doubly grateful." + +As dusk draws on, the young fellow, returning from a long walk, espies +an aged Irish lady leaning against a tree on the edge of the turnpike, +with a pipe upside-down in her mouth, and her bonnet on +wrong-side-afore. + +"Are you sick?" he asks kindly. + +"Divil a sick, gintlemen," is the answer, with a slight catch of the +voice,--"bless the two of yez!" + +EDWIN DROOD can scarcely avoid a start, as he thinks to himself, "Good +Heaven! how much like JACK!" + +"Do you eat cloves, madame?" he asks, respectfully. + +"Cloves is it, honey? ah, thin, I do that, whin I'm expectin' company. +Odether-nodether, but I've come here the day from New York for nothing. +Sure phat's the names of you two darlints?" + +"EDWIN," he answers, in some wonder, as he hands her a currency stamp, +which, on account of the large hole worn in it, he has been repeatedly +unable to pass himself. + +"EDDY is it? Och hone, och hone, machree!" exclaims the venerable woman, +hanging desolately around the tree by her arms while her bonnet falls +over her left ear: "I've heard that name threatened. Och, acushla +wirasthu!" + +Believing that the matron will be less agitated if left alone, and, +probably, able to get a little roadside sleep, EDWIN DROOD passes onward +in deep thought. The boarding-house is reached, and _he_ enters. + +J. BUMSTEAD'S day of the dinner is also marked by exhilarating +experiences. With one coat-tail unwittingly tucked far up his back, so +that it seems to be amputated, and his alpaca umbrella under his arm, he +enters a grocery-store of the village, and abstractedly asks how +strawberries are selling to-day? Upon being reminded that fresh fruit is +very scarce in late December, he changes his purpose, and orders two +bottles of Bourbon flavoring-extract sent to his address. And now he +wishes to know what they are charging for sponges? They tell him that he +must seek those articles at the druggist's, and he compromises by +requesting that four lemons be forwarded to his residence. Have they any +good Canton-flannel, suitable for a person of medium complexion?-- +No?--Very well, then: send half a pound of cloves to his house before +night. + +There are Ritualistic services at Saint Cow's, and he renders the +organ-accompaniments with such unusual freedom from reminiscences of the +bacchanalian repertory, that the Gospeler is impelled to compliment him +as they leave the cathedral. + +"You're in fine tone to-day, BUMSTEAD. Not quite so much volume to your +playing as sometimes, but still the tune could be recognized." + +"That, sir," answers the organist, explainingly, "was because I held my +right wrist firmly with my left hand, and played mostly with only one +finger. The method, I find, secures steadiness of touch and precision in +hitting the right key." + +"I should think it would, Mr. BUMSTEAD. You seem to be more free than +ordinarily from your occasional indisposition." + +"I am less nervous, Mr. SIMPSON," is the reply. "I've made up my mind to +swear off, sir.--I'll tell you what I'll do, SIMPSON," continues the +Ritualistic organist, with sudden confidential affability. "I'll make an +agreement with you, that whichever of us catches the other slipping-up +first in the New Year, shall be entitled to call for whatever he wants." + +"Bless me! I don't understand," ejaculates the Gospeler. + +"No matter, sir. No matter!" retorts the mystic of the organ-loft, +abruptly returning to his original gloom. "My company awaits me, and I +must go." + +"Excuse me," cries the Gospeler, turning back a moment; "but what's the +matter with your coat?" + +The other discovers the condition of his tucked-up coat-tail with some +fierceness of aspect, but immediately explains that it must have been +caused by his sitting upon a folding-chair just before leaving home. + +So, humming a savage tune in make-belief of no embarrassment at all in +regard to his recently disordered garment, Mr. BUMSTEAD reaches his +boarding-house. At the door he waits long enough to examine his +umbrella, with scowling scrutiny, in every rib; and then _he_ enters. + +Behind the red window-curtain of the room of the dinner-party shines the +light all night, while before it a wailing December gale rises higher +and higher. Through leafless branches, under eaves and against chimneys, +the savage wings of the storm are beaten, its long fingers caught, and +its giant shoulder heaved. Still, while nothing else seems steady, that +light behind the red curtain burns unextinguished; the reason being that +the window is closed and the wind cannot get at it. + +At morning comes a hush on nature; the sun arises with that innocent +expression of countenance which causes some persons to fancy that it +resembles Mr. GREELEY after shaving; and there is an evident desire on +the part of the wind to pretend that it has not been up all night. +Fallen chimnies, however, expose the airy fraud, and the clock blown +completely out of Saint Cow's steeple reveals what a high time there has +been. + +Christmas morning though it is, Mr. MCLAUGHLIN is summoned from his +family-circle of pigs, to mount the Ritualistic church and see what can +be done; and while a small throng of early idlers are staring up at him +from Gospeler's Gulch, Mr. BUMSTEAD, with his coat on in the wrong way, +and a wet towel on his head, comes tearing in amongst them like a +congreve rocket. + +"Where's them nephews?--where's MONTGOMERIES?--where's that umbrella?" +howls Mr. BUMSTEAD, catching the first man he sees by the throat, and +driving his hat over his eyes. + +"What's the matter, for goodness sake?" calls the Gospeler from the +window of his house. "Mr. PENDRAGON has gone away on a walking-match. Is +not Mr. DROOD at home with you?" + +"Norrabit'v it," pants the organist, releasing his man's throat, but +still leaning with heavy affection upon him: "m'nephews wen 'out with 'm +--f'r li'lle walk--er mir'night; an' 've norseen'm--since." + +There is no more looking up at Saint Cow's steeple with a MCLAUGHLIN on +it now. All eyes fix upon the agitated Mr. BUMSTEAD, as he wildly +attempts to step over the tall paling of the Gospeler's fence at a +stride, and goes crashing headlong through it instead. + +(_To be Continued_.) + +[Footnote 1: In the original English story there is, considering the +bitter time of year given, a truly extraordinary amount of solitary +sauntering, social strolling, confidential confabulating, +evening-rambling, and general lingering, in the open air. To "adapt" +this novel peculiarity to American practice, without some little +violation of probability, is what the present conscientious Adapter +finds almost the artistic requirement of his task.] + + * * * * * + +ALL HAIL! + +The most fearful weapon yet brought into the field of war--if we are to +believe newspaper correspondents--is the revolving grape-shot gun known +as the "hail-thrower," a piece of ordnance said to be in use by the +French and Prussian armies, alike. If half we hear about the +"hail-thrower" be true, 'twere better for all concerned to keep out of +hail of it. Many a hale fellow well met by that fearful hail storm must +go to grass ere the red glare of the war has passed away. "Where do you +hail from?" would be a bootless question to put when the "hail-thrower" +begins to administer throes to the breaking ranks. Worse than that; it +would probably be a headless question. + + * * * * * + +"THE PERFECT CURE." + +A newspaper paragraph states that, in Minnesota, they have a very +summary way of restoring the consciousness of pigs that have been +smitten by the summery rays of the sun. They simply open piggy's head +with a pick-axe or other handy instrument, introduce a handful or two of +salt, close up the head again, and piggy is all right. But this, after +all, is simply a new application of the old practice of Curing pork with +salt. + + * * * * * + +Con by a Son of a Gun. + +Why are the new breech-loaders supplied with needles? +To keep their breeches in repair, of course. + + * * * * * + +Con by a Carpet-Shaker. + +Why is a large carpet like the late rebellion? +Because it took such a lot of tax to put it down. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO PICNIC PARTIES. + +At this culminating period of the summer season, it is natural that the +civic mind should turn itself to the contemplation of sweet rural +things, including shady groves, lunch-baskets, wild flowers, sandwiches, +bird songs, and bottled lager-bier. + +The skies are at their bluest, now; the woods and fields are at their +greenest; flowers are blooming their yellowest, and purplest, and +scarletest. All Nature is smiling, in fact, with one large, +comprehensive smile, exactly like a first-class PRANG chromo with a +fresh coat of varnish upon it. + +Things being thus, what can be more charming than a rural excursion to +some tangled thicket, the very brambles, and poison-ivy, and possible +copperhead snakes of which are points of unspeakable value to a picnic +party, because they are sensational, and one cannot have them in the +city without rushing into fabulous extra expense. It is good, then, that +neighbors should club together for the festive purposes of the picnic, +and a few words of advice regarding the arrangement of such parties may +be seasonable. + +If your excursion includes a steamboat trip, always select a boat that +is likely to be crowded to its utmost capacity, more especially one of +which a majority of the passengers are babies in arms. There will +probably be some roughs on board, who will be certain to get up a row, +in which case you can make the babies in arms very effective as +"buffers" for warding off blows, while the crowd will save you from +being knocked down. + +Should there be a bar on board the steamer, it will be the duty of the +gentlemen of the party to keep serving the ladies with cool beverages +from it at brief intervals during the trip. This will promote +cheerfulness, and, at the same time, save for picnic duty proper the +contents of the stone jars that are slumbering sweetly among the +pork-pies and apple-dumplings by which the lunch-baskets are occupied. + +Never take more than one knife and fork with you to a picnic, no matter +how large the party may be. The probability is that you may be attacked +by a gang of rowdies and it is no part of your business to furnish them +with weapons. + +Avoid taking up your ground near a swamp or stagnant water of any kind. +This is not so much on account of mosquitoes as because of the small +saurian reptiles that abound in such places. If your party is a large +one, there will certainly be one lady in it, at least, who has had a +lizard in her stomach for several years, and the struggles of the +confined reptile to join its congeners in the swamp might induce +convulsions, and so mar the hilarity of the party. + +To provide against an attack by the city brigands who are always +prowling in the vicinity of picnic parties, it will be judicious to +attend to the following rules: + +Select all the fat women of the party, and seat them in a ring outside +the rest of the picnickers, and with their faces toward the centre of +the circle. In the event of a discharge of missiles this will be found a +very effective _cordon_--quite as effective, in fact, as the feather +beds used in the making up of barricades. + +Let the babies of the party be so distributed that each, or as many as +possible of the gentlemen present, can have one at hand to snatch up and +use for a fender should an attack at close quarters be made. + +If any dark, designful strangers should intrude themselves upon the +party, unbidden, the gentlemen present should by no means exhibit the +slightest disposition to resent the intrusion, or to show fight, as the +strangers are sure to be professional thieves, and, as such, ready to +commit murder, if necessary. Treat the strangers with every +consideration possible under the circumstances. Should there be no +champagne, apologize for the absence of it, and offer the next best +vintage you happen to have. Of course, having lunched, the strangers +will be eager to acquire possession of all valuables belonging to the +party. The gentlemen, therefore, will make a point of promptly handing +over to them their own watches and jewelry, as well as those of their +lady friends. + +Having arrived home, (we assume the possibility of this,) refrain, +carefully, from communicating with the police on the subject of the +events of the day. The publicity that would follow would render you an +object of derision, and no possible good could result to you from +disclosure of the facts. But you should at once make up your mind never +to participate in another picnic. + + * * * * * + +A CHANCE FOR OUR ORGAN GRINDERS. + +The famous _mitrailleur_, or grape-thrower, with which LOUIS NAPOLEON +has already commenced to astonish the Prussians, suggests congenial work +for the numerous performers on the barrel-organ with which our large +cities are at all times infested. It is worked with a crank, exactly +after the manner of the too-familiar street instrument; and might easily +be fitted with a musical cylinder arranged for the performance of the +most inspiriting and patriotic French airs. Should Italy, at present +neutral, take side with France hereafter, she should at once withdraw +her wandering minstrels from all parts of the world, and set them to +work on the "double attachment" engine of L.N. Nothing could be more +appropriate for working the _mitrailleur_ than a corps of barrel-organ +grinders from the land of the Grape. + + * * * * * + +THE ORIGIN OF PUNCHINELLO. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: Though aware that you "belong to Company G," and must +not be bothered, I wish to ask whether you are descended from the famous +chicken-dealer of Sorrento, who sold fowls in Naples, and was well-known +in that fun-loving city for the humor of his speech and the oddity of +his form. He was called "PULCINELLA," I believe, the name being the same +as that of his wares. + +If not to this celebrated wag, perhaps you trace your origin to Mr. +PUCCIO D'ANELLO, who so delighted a company of actors at Aceria, with +his jokes and gibes, that they invited him to join them, and soon +discovered that they had found a Star. + +If neither of these classical wags was your ancestor, may I ask, who the +deuce _did_ you come from? Yours, truly, + +CURIOSO. + + * * * * * + +RECIPE TO BE TESTED. + +We see that they have been "firing cannon in the fields near Paris, to +bring on a rain." If there is any virtue in this recipe, they are likely +to get some moist weather to the north-eastward of Paris, to say the +least. The firing in that quarter may even lead to a Reign in Paris such +as France has not lately seen. We would not go so far as to _predict_ +anything of this sort. Oh, no; for we are aware that the moment we +should do so, NAPOLEON would lick the Prussians on purpose to show the +world that we didn't hit it that time. + + * * * * * + +THE WATERING PLACES. + +Punchinello's Vacations. + +When one wants to see the great people who are to be seen nowhere else, +one goes to the celebrated White Sulphur Springs of Virginia; and, very +correctly supposing that there might be persons there who would like to +see him, Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a trip to the aforesaid springs. He found +it charming there. There was such a chance to study character. From the +parlors where Chief-Justice CHASE and General LEE were hob-nobbing over +apple-toddies and "peach-and-honey," to the cabins where the wards of +the nation were luxuriating in picturesque ease beneath the shade of +their newly-fledged angel of liberty, everything was instructive to the +well-balanced mind. + +Here, too, in these fertile regions, were to be seen those exquisite +floral creations known as mint-juleps, the absence of which in our +Northern agricultural exhibitions can never be sufficiently deplored. + +Witness the beauty of the design and the ingenious delicacy of the +execution of one of the humblest of the species. + +From experience in the matter, Mr. P. is prepared to say, that not only +as an exponent of the beauties of nature, but as a drink, a mint-julep +is far superior to the water which gives thin resort its celebrity. Why +people persist in drinking that vilest of all water which is found at +the fashionable springs, Mr. P. cannot divine. If it is medicine you +want, you can get your drugs at any apothecary's, and he will mix them +in water for you for a very small sum extra. And the saving in expense +of travel, board and extras, will be enormous. + +But in spite of this fact, there were plenty of distinguished-looking +people at the White Sulphur. Mr. P. didn't know them all, but he had no +doubt that one of them was General LEE; one PHIL. SHERIDAN; another +Prof. MAURY; another GOLDWIN SMITH; and others Governor WISE; HENRY WARD +BEECHER, WADE HAMPTON, WENDELL PHILLIPS, RAPHAEL SEMMES, and LUCRETIA +MOTT. One man, an incognito, excited Mr. P.'s curiosity. This personage +was generally found in the society of LEE, JOHNSTON, POPE, HAMPTON, +GREELEY, and those other fellows who did so much to injure the Union +cause during the war. One day Mr. P. accosted him. He was an oddity, and +perhaps it would be a good idea to put his picture in the paper. + +"Sir!" said Mr. P., with that delicate consideration for which he is so +noted, "why do you pull your hat down over your eyes, and what is your +object in thus concealing your identity? Come sir! let us know what it +all means." + +The _incognito_ glanced at Mr. P. with the corner of his eye, and +perceiving that he was in citizen's dress, pulled his hat still further +over his face. + +"My business," said he, "is my own, but since the subject has been +broached, I may as well let _you_ know what it is." + +"You know me, then?" said Mr. P. + +"I do," replied the other, and proceeding with his recital, he said, +"You may have heard that a number of negro squatters were lately ejected +from a private estate in this State, after they had made the grounds to +blossom like the rose, and to bring forth like the herring." + +"Yes, I heard that," said Mr. P. + +"Well," said the other, "I happened to have some land near by, and I +invited those negroes to come and squat on my premises--" + +"Intending to turn them off about blossoming time?" said Mr. P. + +"Certainly, certainly," said the other, "and I am just waiting about +here until they put in a wheat crop on part of the land. I can then sell +that portion, right away." + +"Well, Mr. BEN BUTLER," said Mr. P., "all that is easily understood, now +that I know who you are; but tell me this, why are you so careful to +cover your face when in the company of civilians or ladies, and yet go +about so freely among these ex-Confederate officers?" + +"Oh," said the other, "you see I don't want to be known down here, and +some of the women or old men might remember my face. There's no danger +of any of the soldiers recognizing me, you know." + +"Oh, no," cried Mr. P. "None in the world, sir." + +"And besides," said the modest BUTLER, "it's too late now for me to be +spooning around among the women." + +"That's so," said Mr. P. "Good-bye, BENJAMIN. Any news from Dominica?" + +"None at all," said the other, "and I don't care if there never is. I am +opposed to that annexation scheme now." + +"Sold your claims?" said Mr. P. The incognito winked and departed. + +That evening at supper Mr. P. remarked that his biscuits were rather +hard, and he blandly requested a waiter to take one of them outside and +crack it. The elder PEYTON, who runs the hotel, overheard Mr. P.'s +remark, and stepping up to him, said: + +"Sir, you should not be so particular about your food. What you pay me, +while you stay at my place, is my charge for the water you drink. The +food and lodging I throw in, gratis." + +Mr. P. arose. + +"Mr. PEYTON," said he, "when I was quite a little boy, my father, making +the tour of America, brought me here, and I distinctly remember your +making that remark to him. Since then many of my friends have visited +the White Sulphur, and you invariably made the same remark to them. Is +there no way to escape the venerable joke?" + +The gentle PEYTON made no answer, but walked away, and after supper, one +of the boarders took Mr. P. aside and urged him to excuse their host, as +he was obliged to make the joke in question to every guest. The +obligation was in his lease. + +So the matter blew over. + +Reflecting, however, that if he had to pay so much for the water, that +he had better drink a little, Mr. P. went down to the spring to see what +could be done. On the way, he met Uncle AARON, formerly one of +WASHINGTON'S body-servants. The venerable patriarch touched his hat, and +Mr. P., hoping from such great age to gain a little wisdom, propounded +the following questions: + +"Uncle, is this water good for the bile?" + +"Oh, lor! no, mah'sr! Dat dar water 'ud jis spile anything you biled in +it. Make it taste of rotten eggs, for all the world, sir! 'Deed it +would.' + +"But what I want to know," said Mr. P., "is why the people drink it." + +"Lor' bless you, mah'sr! Dis here chile kin tell you dat. Ye see de +gem'men from de Norf dey drinks it bekase they eat so much cold wheat +bread. Allers makes 'em sick, sir." + +"And why do the Southerners drink it?" + +"Wal, mah'sr, you see dey eats so much hot wheat bread, and it don't +agree wid 'em, no how." + +"But how about the colored people? I have seen them drinking it, +frequently," said Mr. P. + +"Oh, lor, mah'sr, how you is a askin' questions! Don't you know dat de +colored folks hab to drink it bekase dey don't get no wheat bread at +all?" + +Mr. P. heard no better philosophy than this on the subject while he +remained at the White Sulphur. When he left, he brought a couple of +gallons of the water with him, and intends keeping it in the +water-cooler in his office, for loungers. + + * * * * * + +THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE. + + +CANTO III. + + "JACK and GILL went up the bill + To fetch a pail of water; + JACK fell down and broke his crown, + And GILL came tumbling after." + +How many persons there are who read those lines without giving one +moment's thought to their hidden beauty. Love, obedience, and devotion +unto death, are here portrayed; and yet people will repeat the lines of +the melancholy muse with a smile on their faces, and even teach it to +their young children as a sort of joyful lyric. + +My own infant-mind was tampered with in the same manner; and after I had +committed the poem to memory I was proudly called up by my fond and +doting parents to display my infantile acquirements before admiring +visitors. The result might have been foreknown. All my infancy and youth +passed away, and I never once perceived the hidden worth of these lines +till I had tumbled down a hill myself, cracked my crown, and was laid up +with it a week or more. During that time I had leisure to muse on the +fate of poor JACK. When my mind expanded so as to take in all the +sublimity of his devotion and death, my heart was filled with admiration +and astonishment, and I resolved I would make one effort to rescue the +memory of poor JACK and loving GILL from the oblivion it seemed to be +falling into, in the greater admiration people gave to the musical style +of the writer. + + "JACK and GILL went up the hill." + +Here you see the obedient, loving, long-suffering, put-upon drudge of +his brothers and sisters-we will take the liberty of giving him a few of +each as we are a little more generous than the author--who was compelled +(not the author, but JACK,) to do all the chores, fetch and carry, 'tend +and wait, bear the heat and burden of the day, and be the JACK for all +of them. He was not dignified by the respectable title of JOHN, or +JONATHAN, but was poor simple JACK. + +Virtue will always be rewarded, however, and even freckle-faced, +red-headed JACK had one friend, blue-eyed, tender-hearted GILL, who, +seeing the unhesitating obedience he rendered to all, forthwith +concluded that one so lone and sad could appreciate true friendship and +understand the motives that prompted her to give, unsolicited, her +gushing love. So, when the good JACK started up the hill, loving GILL +generously offered to accompany him. Probably the other children looked +out of the windows after them, and laughed, and jeered, and wondered +whither they were going; but, observing the pail, concluded they were +going + + "To fetch a pail of water," + +which they were willing JACK should do, as it would save them the +possibility of being ordered to do it; not that there was a probability +of such a command being given, but there was a slight danger that the +thing might happen in case JACK was occupied otherwise when the water +was needed. But now that he had gone for it, they were all right, and +rejoiced exceedingly thereat. + +Meanwhile the two little sympathizing companions toiled up the steep +hill, drinking in with every inhalation of the balmy air copious +draughts of the new-found elixir of life. "Soft eyes looked love to eyes +that spake again,"[2] and their hearts melted beneath each tender glance. +The little chubby hands that grasped the handle of the pail timidly +crept closer together, and by the time they had reached the rugged top, +it needed but one warm embrace to mingle the two souls into one, +henceforth forever. + +This was done. + +Tremblingly they drew back, blushing, casting modest glances at each +other; and then, to aid them in recovering from their confusion, turned +their attention to the water, which reflected back two happy, smiling +faces. Filling the pail with the dimpled liquid mirror, they turned +their steps homeward. + +Light at heart and intoxicated with bliss, poor JACK, ever unfortunate, +dashed his foot against a stone, and thus it was that + + "JACK fell down and broke his crown." + +[Oh! what a fall was there, my countrywomen!] Fearful were the shrieks +that rent the mountain air as he rolled down the hillside. The pail they +had carried so carefully was overturned and rent asunder, and the +trembling water spilled upon the smiling hill-side--fit emblem of their +vanishing hopes. + +Down went the roley-poley boy, like a dumpling down a cellar-door; +crashing his head against the cruel rocks that stood in stony +heartedness in his way, and dashing his brains out against their hard +sides. His loving companion, eyes and month dilated with horror, stood +still and rigid, gazing upon the fearful descent, and its tragic ending, +then throwing her arms aloft, and giving a fearful shriek of agony that +thrilled with horror the hearts of the hearers--if there were any--cast +herself down in exact imitation of the fall of her hero, rolled over and +over as he did, and ended by mingling her blood with his upon the same +stones. + +_His_ crown was broken diagonally; _hers_ slantindicularly; that was the +only difference. Her suicidal act is commemorated in the line, + + "And GILL came tumbling after." + +The catastrophe was witnessed by the assembled family, who hastened to +the bleeding victims of parental injustice, and endeavored to do all +that was possible to restore life to the mangled forms of the two who +loved when living, and in death were not divided. + +But all in vain. They were dead, and not till then did the family +appreciate the beautiful, self-denying, heroic disposition of the little +martyr, JACK. + +The two innocent forms were buried side by side, and the whole country +round mourned the fate of the infant lovers. + +Painters preserved their pictures on canvas, and poets sung them at +eventide. The beauties of their life, and their tragic death, were given +by the poet-laureate of the day in the words I have just transcribed; +and such an impression did these make on the minds of the inhabitants, +that the whole population took them to heart, and, with tears in their +eyes, taught them to their children, even unto the third and fourth +generations. + +Alas! it was reserved for our day and generation to gabble them over +unthinking, carelessly unmindful of the fearful fate the words describe. + +Repentant ones, drop to their memory a tear, even now! It is not too +late! + +[Footnote 2: Original, by some other fellow.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: +WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IN OUR ARMY OF THE FUTURE. +"NONE BUT THE BRAVE," ETC.] + + * * * * * + +LETTER FROM A CROAKER. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: You have not, I believe, informed your readers, one of +whom I have the honor to be, as to whether you have yet united yourself +to any Designing Female. As this is a matter peculiarly interesting to +many of your readers, all of whom, I have not the least doubt, are +interested in your welfare, I would advise some statement on your part, +respecting it. + +I trust, my dear sir, that, if you are as yet free, you will take the +well-intended advice of a sufferer, and steer entirely clear of the +shoals and quicksands peculiar to the life of a married man, by never +embarking in the matrimonial ship. + +Do not misunderstand me. I lived happily, very happily, with my sainted +BELINDA--it must be confessed that she had a striking partiality for +sardines, which caused considerable of a decrease in the profits of my +wholesale and retail grocery establishment. I cherish no resentment on +that account, but, as you probably well know, one of the discomforts of +matrimonial existence is children. + +Sir, I have a daughter, who is considered passably good-looking by +certain appreciative individuals. Since the unfortunate demise of my +lamented wife, the profits of the mercantile establishment of which I am +proprietor have largely increased, and as REBECCA is my only child, +there is a considerable prospect of her bringing to the man who espouses +her, a comfortable dowry, and probably a share in my business. + +I keep no man-servant, and after my daughter retires--generally at the +witching hour of two in the morning,--I am obliged to hobble down +stairs, extinguish the lights, cover the fire, lock up the house, and +ascertain whether it is perfectly fire and burglar-proof for the time +being. + +Were this, sir, the only annoyance to which I am subjected, my wrath +would probably expend itself in a little growling, but hardly have I +reposed myself upon my couch, ere my ear catches an infernal tooting and +twanging and whispering, and a broken-winded German band, engaged by an +admirer of my REBECCA, strikes up some outrageous _pot pourri_, or +something of that sort, and sleep, disgusted, flees my pillow. + +Last night--or rather this morning--they came again. Their discordant +symphonies roused me to desperation. I seized a bucket of slops, and; +opening the window, dashed the contents in the direction of the music; +the full force of the deluge striking a fat, froggy-looking little +Dutchman, who was puffing and blowing at a bassoon infinitely larger +than himself. He was just launching out into a prodigious strain, but it +expired while yet in the bloom of youth. He remained for a short time in +the famous posture of the Colossus of Rhodes, vainly endeavoring to +shake off the cigar-stumps and other little _et ceteras_ which were +clinging to him like cerements, uttering the while unintelligible oaths. +Then he struck for his _domus et placens uxor_ at as rapid a rate as his +little dumpy legs could carry him. + +If they come to-night--if they dare to come--I will give them a dose +which they will remember. + +My dear sir, what can I do to rid myself of these annoyances? The girl +has been to boarding-school, and so can't be sent there again. She has +no friends or relations whom it would be advisable to put her off upon. +Assist me then, in this, the hour of my tribulation, and you, my dear +Mr. PUNCHINELLO, will merit the lasting gratitude of an + +UNHAPPY FATHER. + +[The best thing an "Unhappy Father" can do, under the circumstances, is +to learn to play upon the bass horn, and then, should the brazen +serenaders again make their appearance, he can give them blow for +blow.--ED. PUNCHINELLO.] + + * * * * * + +That Iron "Dog." + +The latest bit of intelligence given by the police regarding the "dog" +so much spoken of in connection with the Twenty-third street murder, is +that it is not, as at first stated, the kind of instrument used by +shipwrights. In other words, the police have discovered that it is not a +Water-dog, though, up to the present date, they have not been able to +prove it a Bloodhound. + + * * * * * + +Severe Penalty. + +A newspaper gravely informs us that "the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania +has refused the Writ of Error in the case of Dr. SHOEPPE, convicted of +the murder of Mr. STEINNEKE, _and will be hanged_." + +Can nothing be done to save this Court? One may say they had no business +to refuse the Writ. But, at any rate, we are of opinion that the +punishment is excessive. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WONDERFUL TOUR DE FORCE, + +PERFORMED "ON THE BEACH AT LONG BEACH," BY PROFESSOR JAMES FISK, JR., +THE GREAT AMERICAN ATHLETE.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN ON JERSEY MUSQUITOES. + +A Hard-fought Battle--Musquitoes have no Sting that Jersey Lightning +cannot Cure. + +New Jarsey is noted among her sister countries, as bein' responsible for +2 of the most destructive things ever got up. + +The first is of the animal kingdom, and varyin in size from a 3 yeer old +snappin' turtle, to a lode of hay. + +It has a bayonet its nose, in which is a skwirt gun charged with +pizen. + +It has no hesitation, whatsoever, of shovin' it's pitch-fork into a +human bein', and when a feller feels it, it makes him think old +SOLFERINO has come for him, and no mistake. + +The sirname of this sleep-distroyin' animile, is Muskeeter. And they +like their meet raw. + +Misery Number 2 is a beverige manufactured from the compound extract of +chain litenin on the wing, and ile of vitril. It is then flavored with +earysipelas and 7 yeer itch, when it is ready to lay out it's man. + +I was on a visit to Jarsey, a short time ago, and if ever a man was +justified in cussin' the day he ever sot foot onto the classick red +shores of New Jarsey, (which soil, by the way, is so greasy that all the +red-headed New Jarsey gals use it for hair ile, while for greasin' a +pancake griddle it can't be beat,) it was the undersined. + +The first nite I was in that furrin climb, after hangin' my close over a +chair, and droppin' my false teeth in a tumbler of water, I retired in a +sober and morril condition. + +"Balmy sleep, sweet nater's hair restorer," which sentiment I cote from +Mr. DICKENS, who, I understand from the Bosting clergy, is now sizzlin', +haden't yet folded me in her embrace. + +Strains of melody, surpassin' by severil lengths the melifflous +discordant notes of the one-armed hand organist's most sublimerest +seemfunny, sircharged the atmosfear. Ever and anon the red-hot breezes +kissed the honest old man's innocent cheek, and slobbered grate capsules +of odoriferous moisture, which ran in little silvery streams from his +reclinin' form. Yes! verily, great pearls hung pendant from his nasal +protuberants. + +In other words, I hadent gone to sleep, but lay their sweatin' like an +ice waggon, while the well-known battle song of famished Muskeeters fell +onto my ear. The music seized; and a regiment of Jarsey Muskeeters, all +armed to the teeth and wearin' cowhide butes, marched single-file into +my open window. + +The Kernal, a gray-headed old war-worn vetenary, alited from his hoss, +and tide the animal to the bed-post. + +The Commander then mounted ontop of the wash-stand, and helpin' hisself +to a chaw of tobacker out of my box, which lay aside him, the old +scoundrel commenced firin' his tobacker juice in my new white hat. "See +here, Kernal," said I, somewhat riled at seein' him make a spittoon of +my best 'stove-pipe,' "if it's all the same to you, spose'n you eject +your vile secretion out of the winder." + +"Cork up, old man," said the impudent raskle, "or ile spit on ye and +drown you." + +All about the room the privates were sacreligously misusing my property. + +One red-headed old Muskeeter, who was so full of somebody's blood he +couldn't hardly waddle, was seated in the rockin'-chair, and with my +specturcols on his nose, was readin' a copy of PUNCHINELLO, and laffin' +as if heed bust. + +Another chap had got my jack-nife, and was amusin' hisself by slashin' +holes in my bloo cotton umbreller, which two other Muskeeters had shoved +up, and was a settin' under, engaged in tyin' my panterloon legs into +hard nots. + +Another scallawag had jammed my coat part way into my butes, and was +pourin' water into 'em out from the wash-pitcher, and I am sorry to say +it, evry darned Muskeeter was up to some mean trick, which would put to +blush, even a member of the New Jarsey legislater. + +Suddenly the Kernal hollered: + +"To arms!" + +And every Muskeeter fell into line about my bedside. + +"Charge bagonets!" said the Kernal. At which the hul lot went for me. +Their pizened wepins entered my flesh. + +They charged onto my bald head. Rammed their bayonets into my arms--my +back--my side--and there wasen't a place bigger'n a cent, which they +diden't fill with pizen. + +There I lay, groanin' for mercy. + +But Jersey Muskeeters, not dealin' in that article, don't know what it +is. + +Like the new collecter MURFY, when choppin' off the heads of FENTON +offis holders, mercy hain't their lay, about these times. + +At this juncture a company of draggoons clinchin' their pesky bills into +me, dragged me off onto the floor. + +And then such a horrible laff they would give, when I would strike for +them and miss hittin'. + +There I lay on the floor, puffin' and blowin' like a steem ingine, while +the hull army was dancin' a war dance around my prostrate figger, and +the old Kernal was cuttin' down a double shuffle on the wash-stand, +which made the crockery rattle. + +I kicked at 'em as they would charge on my feet and l--limbs. I grabbed +at 'em, as they charged on my face--arms--and shoulders. + +Slap! bang! kick! sware! + +I couldn't stand it much longer. + +As a big corpulent feller, who, I should judge, was gittin' readdy to +jine a Fat mans club, went over me, I catched him by the heel. + +I hung on to him with my best holt + +He dragged me all over the floor. + +My head struck the bedposts, and other furniture. + +3 other Muskeeters got straddle of me, and as if I was a hoss, spurred +me up purty lively. + +All of a sudden the Muskeeter I was hangin' to give a yank, and drew out +his foot, left his bute in my hand. + +Brandishin' the bute about my head, I cleared at lot of Muskeeters. + +Jumpin' to my feet I made things fly for a minuit, pilin' up the killed +and wounded in a promiscous heap. + +Seein' the Kernal settin' up there enjoyin' the fun, I let fly the bute +at him. + +Smash! went the lookin-glass. + +The venerable commanding Muskeeter had dodged, and was settin' on the +burow, with his thumb on his nose, wrigglin' his fingers at me in a very +ongentlemanly manner. + +There I was again unarmed, dancin' about, swelled up like a base ball +player on match day. + +"Blood IARGO!" was the cry. + +I tride to make a masked battery with a piller. It was no protection +again Jarsey Muskeeters. + +As RACHEL mourned for her step-mother, I sighed for me home. + +"Why, oh why," I cride, "did I leave old Skeensboro?" + +A widder wearin' a borrowed suit of mornin'--eleven children cryin' +because the governor had been chawed up by Muskeeters crowded into my +thoughts. + +The army was gettin' reddy to charge onto me agin, and avenge their +fallen comrags. + +Suddenly a brite thought struck me. + +I ceased a sheet and waved it for a flag of truce. + +The order wasen't given. + +"Kernal," said I, "before we continue this fite, let's take a drink all +around, and I'll stand treat." + +"Done," said he, "trot out your benzine." + +I opened the burow drawer, and took out a black bottle. + +I pulled the cork and filled all the glasses, then poured a lot into the +wash-bowl, when I handed the bottle to the Kernal. + +"Make ready! Take aim! Drink!" Down went the licker. + +I laffed a revengeful laff, as every condemned Muskeeter turned up their +heels and cride: + +"Water--send my bones back to Chiny--mother dear, I'm comein', 300,000 +strong--we die--by the hand--of Jarsey--lite--" + +And Jarsey litenin', more powerful than the chassepo gun of France or +the needle-gun of Prushy, had done its work, and the old man was saved +to the world! + +It was 3 days before any close would again fit me. + +I looked more like a big balloon than a human bein', I was swelled up so +with the pizen. + +My blessin's on the head of the individual who invented Jarsey litenin'. +Nothin else would have saved the Lait Gustise's valuable life. + +Ever of thow, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +From our own Correspondent. + +Rumors of war from Europe must always be expected, for how can we get +Pacific news by Atlantic Telegraph? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS," ETC, + +_First Small Bather_. "WOULDN'T OUR MAMS GIVE US FITS IF THEY CAUGHT US +SWIMMIN'?" + +_Second Ditto_. "I'LL BET YER!" + +(_But neither of the happy little truants knows that a thief is running +off with their clothes_.)] + + * * * * * + +REFORM IN JUVENILE LITERATURE. + +Since the thrilling moment when GUTTENBURG made his celebrated +discovery, numbers of persons have tried their hands--and undoubtedly +their heads also--at Books for the Young. Hitherto, many of them have +evinced a sad lack of judgment in respect of matter. + +Would you believe it, in this highly moral and virtuous age? they have +actually written stories!--stories that were not true! They haven't +seemed to care a button whether they told the truth or not! Where can +they have contracted the deadly heresy that imagination, feeling, and +affection, are good things, deserving encouragement? Mark the effect of +these pernicious teachings! Hundreds and thousands--nay, fellow mortal, +_millions_ of children,--now walk the earth, believing in fairies, +giants, ogres, and such-like unreal personages, and yet unable (we blush +to say it!) to tell why the globe we live on is flattened at the poles! +Is it not a serious question whether children who persistently ignore +what is true and important, but cherish fondly these abominable fables, +may not ultimately be lost? + +But, thanks to the recent growth of practical sense--or the decline of +the inventive faculty--in writers for the young, a better day is +dawning, and there is still some hope for the world. Men of sense and +morality are coming forward: they dedicate their minds to this +service--those practical minds whence will be extracted the only true +pabulum for the growing intellect. It is to minds of this stamp--so +truly the antipodes of all that is youthful, spontaneous, and +child-like, (in a word: frivolous,) that we must look for those solid +works which, in the Millennium that is coming, will perfectly supplant +what may be termed, without levity, the "Cock and Bull" system of +juvenile entertainment. Worldly people may consider this stuff graceful +and touching, sweet and loveable; but it is nevertheless clearly +mischievous, else pious and proper persons wouldn't have said so, time +and again. + +For our part, we may as well confess that our sympathies go out +undividedly toward that important class who are averse to +Nonsense,--more particularly _book_-nonsense,--which they can't stand, +and won't stand, and there's an end of it. There is something +exceedingly winning, to us, in that sturdy sense, that thirst for +mathematical precision, that impatience of theory, that positive and +self-reliant--we don't mind saying, somewhat dogmatical--air, that +sternness of feature, thinness of lip, and coldness of eye, which belong +to the best examples. We respect even the humbler ones; for they at +least hate sentiment, they do not comprehend or approve of humor, and +they never relish wit. What does a taste for these qualities indicate, +but an idle and frivolous mind, devoted to trifles: and how fatal is +such a taste, in the pursuit of wealth and respectability! + +Fantastic people have much to say of the "affections," the "graces and +amenities of life," "soul-culture," and the like. We cannot too deeply +deplore their fatuity, in giving prominence to such abstractions. As for +children, the most we can concede is, that they have a natural--though, +of course, depraved--taste for stories: yes, we will say that this +fondness is irrepressible. But, what we really must insist on, is, that +in gratifying that fondness, you give them _true_ stories. Where is the +carefully trained and upright soul that would not reject "JACK, the +Giant-killer," or "Goody Two-shoes," if it could substitute (say, from +"New and True Stories for Children,") a tale as thrilling as this: + + "When I was a boy, I said to my uncle one day, 'How did you + get your finger cut off?' and he said, 'I was chopping a + stick one evening, and the hatchet cut off my finger.'" + +Blessings, blessings on the man who thus embalmed this touching +incident! Who does not see that the reign of fiction is over! + +That the parental portion of the public may judge what the future has in +store for their little ones (who, we hope, will be men and women far +sooner than their ancestors were,) we present them with a fragrant +nosegay (pshaw! we mean, a shovel-full) of samples, commending them, +should they wish for more, to the nearest Sabbath-school library. + +Ah, it is a touching thing, to see some great philanthropist come +forward, at the call of Duty and his Publisher (perhaps also quickened +by the hollow sound emitted by his treasure-box), and compress himself +into the absurdly small compass of a few pages 18mo., in order to afford +himself the exalted pleasure of holding simple and godly converse with +children at large! + +"All truth--no fiction." What further guarantee would you have? How +replete with useful matter must not a book with _that_ assurance be! Let +us read: + + "The Indians cannot build a ship. They do not Know how to get + iron from the mines, _and they do not know enough._ + + "Besides, they do not like to work, and like to fight + _better_ than to work. + + "When they want to sail, they burn off a log of wood, and + make it hollow by burning and scraping it with sharp stones." + +Now we ask, does not this satisfy your ideal of food for the youthful +mind? Observe that it is simple, direct, graphic, satisfying. It cannot +enfeeble the intellect. It will be useful. There is something tangible +about it. The child at once perceives that if the Indians knew how to +"get iron from the mines," and "knew enough" in general, they would +build ships, in spite of their distaste for work. There can be no doubt +that this is "all truth--no fiction," for Indians are sadly in want of +ships. They like to sail; for we learn that "when they want to sail" +they are so wild for it, that they even go to the length of "burning off +a log of wood, and making it hollow by burning and scraping it with +sharp stones." We thus perceive the significance of the apothegm, "Truth +is stranger than fiction." The day is not far distant when children will +think as much of the new literature as they formerly did of certain +worm-lozenges, for which they were said to "cry." + +And where everything has been inspired by the love of Truth, even the +cuts may teach something. If "a canoe," contrary to the general +impression, is at least as long as "a ship," it is very important that +children should so understand it; and if "a pin-fish" is really as big +as "a shark," no mistaken deference to the feelings of the latter should +make us hesitate to say so. + +No child, we are convinced, is too young to get ideas of science. In one +of the model books we are pleased to find this great truth distinctly +recognized: + + "'Is there anything like a lever about a wheelbarrow?' said + his father. 'O yes, sir,' said JAMES. 'The axle; and the + wheel is the prop, the load is the weight, and the power is + your hand.'" + +This, we should say, speaks for itself. + +Nor is a child ever too young to get ideas of thrift. One of our writers +for infants observes, after explaining that the Dutch reclaimed the +whole of Holland from the sea by means of dykes, "they worked hard, +saved their money, and so grew rich." Any child can take such hints. + +Neither is it wholly amiss to demonstrate that a child can't put a clock +in his pocket. For it is plain that he would else be trying to do so +sometime. + +Now, where in the "Arabian Nights" do you find anything like this?--We +answer, triumphantly, Nowhere! + + "'JAMES,' said his father, 'do not shut up hot water too + tight, and take care when it is over the fire.' + + "'A lady was boiling coffee one day, and kept the cover on + the coffee-pot too long. When she took it off, the water + turned to steam, and flew up in her face, and took the skin + off. + + "'Do you know how they make the wheels of a steamboat move? + They shut up water tight in a great kettle and heat it. Then + they open a hole which has a heavy iron bar in it, the steam + lifts it, in trying to get out. That bar moves a lever, and + the lever moves the wheels. + + "'Machines are wonderful things.'" + +This fact the reader must distinctly realize. And doesn't he realize +that the days of JACK, the Giant-killer, and Little Red Riding Hood, are +about over? We want truth. The only question is, (as FESTUS observed), +What is Truth? + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +_Derrick_.--There is a superstition afloat that, if you see a ladder +hoisted against a house, and, instead of passing outside the ladder you +pass under it, some accident or affliction will befall you. What about +this? + +_Answer._.--It all depends upon circumstances. If, while passing under +the ladder, a hod of bricks should fall through it and strike you on the +head, then an "accident or affliction" shall have befallen you: +otherwise not. + +_Nincompoop_.--I hear a great deal about the "log" of the _Cambria._ Can +you tell me how it is likely to be disposed of? + +_Answer_.--It is to be manufactured into snuff-boxes for the officers +and crew of the _Dauntless_, as a delicate admission that they are up to +snuff and not to be sneezed at. + +_Nick of the Pick_.--What is the best way of securing one's self from +the bodily damages to which all persons who attend pic-nic parties now +seem to be liable? + +_Answer_.--Don't go to pic-nic parties. Rough it at home. + +_John Brown_.--We cannot insert jokes on the number of SMITHS in the +world--except as advertisements. For lowest rates see terms on the +cover. + +_Hircus_.--We are sorry to say that your remarks on Baby Farming are not +based upon facts. In nine cases out of ten it has nothing whatever to do +with Husbandry. + +_Acorn_.--As this is the seventh time you have written to us, asking +whether corns can be cured by cutting, so it must be the last. The thing +palls, and we must now try whether ACORN cannot be got rid of by +cutting. + +_Horseman_.--No; we never remember to have met a man who did not "know +all about a horse." If such a man can be found, his fortune and that of +the finder are assured. + +_Seeker_.--It may be true that man changes once in every seven years but +that will hardly excuse you from paying your tailor's bill contracted in +1862, on the ground that you are not the same man. + +_Fond Mother_.--None but a brutal bachelor would object to a "sweet +little baby," merely because it was bald-headed. + +_Sempronius_.--Would you advise me to commit suicide by hanging? + +_Answer_.--No. If you are really bound to hang, we would advise you to +hang about some nice young female person's neck instead of by your own: +it's pleasanter. + +_Wacks_.--Yes, the Alaska seal contracts will undoubtedly include the +great Seal of the United States. + +_"Talented" Author_.--We do not pay for rejected communications. + +_Many Inquiriers_.--We can furnish back numbers to a limited extent; +future ones by the cargo, or steamboat. + + * * * * * + +FINANCIAL. + +WALL STREET, AUGUST 2ND. + +Respected Sir: Acting upon your suggestion that, despite the repugnance +with which the truly artistic mind must ever view it, Commerce was a +rising institution, and that amongst the thousands of the refined and +haughty who read PUNCHINELLO with feelings of astonishment and awe, +there were some misguided men whose energies had been perverted to the +pursuit of filthy lucre, your contributor yesterday descended into the +purlieus of the city in quest of information wherewith to pander to the +tastes of the debased few. + +It would be useless to point out to you that 10 A.M. is not the hour at +which it is the custom of Y.C. to tear himself from his luxurious conch. +His conception of the exalted has always been associated with late +breakfasts. On this memorable occasion, however, duty and a bell-boy +called him; and at the extraordinary hour to which he has referred he +arose and set about his investigations. + +A party of distinguished and sorrowing friends accompanied him as far as +BANG'S. The regard which he cherishes for poetry and art had hitherto +marked out this pleasant hostelrie as the utmost limit of his down-town +perambulations. The conversation of his distinguished friends was +elevating: the potations in which they drank their good wishes were +equally, if not more so. Having deposited $2.35 for safe-keeping with a +trusted friend, your contributor hailed a Wall Street stage and sped +fearlessly to his destination. He has gone through the ordeal safely. +Annexed are the result of his labors, in the shape of bulletins which +were forwarded to but never acknowledged by a frivolous and unfeeling +editor. + +WALL STREET, 10-1/2 A.M.--The market opened briskly with a tendency +towards DELMONICO'S for early refreshments. Eye-openers in active +demand. Brokers have undergone an improvement. + +11 A.M.--On the strength of a rumor that a gold dollar had been seen in +an up-town jewelry store, gold declined 1.105. + +11.15 A.M.--In consequence of a report that Col. JAS. FISK, JR., has +secured a lease of Plymouth Church, and is already engaged in +negotiations with several popular preachers, Eries advanced one-half per +cent. + +HALF-PAST ELEVEN A.M.--A reaction has commenced in Eries, it being given +out that Madame KATHI LANNER had sustained an injury which would +necessitate her withdrawal from the Grand Opera House. + +TWELVE O'CLOCK.--Just heard some fellow saying, "St. Paul preferred." +Couldn't catch the rest. It seems important. What did St. Paul prefer. +Look it up, and send me word. + +HALF-PAST TWELVE.--Market excited over a dog-fight. How about St. Paul? + +ONE.--Police on the scene. Market relapsed. Anything of St. Paul yet? +Send me what's-his-name's Commentaries on the Scriptures. + +HALF-PAST ONE.--News has been received here that Commodore VANDERBILT +was recently seen in the neighborhood of the Croton reservoir. In view +of the anticipated watering process, N.Y.C. securities are buoyant. +Many, however, would prefer their stock straight. But what was it St. +Paul preferred? Do tell. + +TWO O'CLOCK.--Immense excitement has been created on 'Change by a report +that JAY GOULD had been observed discussing Corn with a prominent +Government official. A second panic is predicted. + +QUARTER PAST TWO.--Later advices confirm the above report. The place of +their meeting is said to have been the Erie Restaurant. Great anxiety is +felt among heavy speculators. + +HALT-PAST TWO.--It is now ascertained that the Corn they were discussing +was Hot Corn at lunch. A feeling of greater security prevails. + +THREE O'CLOCK.--Intelligence has just reached here that a dime-piece was +received in change this morning at a Broadway drinking saloon. Gold has +receded one per cent, in consequence. Eries quiet, Judge BARNARD being +out of town. + +P.S. I haven't found out what St. Paul preferred. What's-his-name don't +mention it in his Commentaries. + +HALF-PAST THREE.--Sudden demand for New York Amusement Co.'s Stock. +HARRY PALMER to reopen Tammany with a grand scalping scene in which the +TWEED tribe of Indians will appear in aboriginal costume. NORTON, GENET, +and _confreres_ have kindly consented to perform their original _roles_ +of _The Victims_. + +P.S. Unless I receive some definite information concerning that +preference of St. Paul's, I shall feel it incumbent on me to vacate my +post of Financial Editor. + +FOUR O'CLOCK.--On receipt of reassuring news from Europe, the market has +advanced to DELMONICO'S, where wet goods are quoted from 10 cents +upwards. Champagne brisk, with large sales. Counter-sales (sandwiches, +etc.,) extensive. Change in greenbacks greasy. + +P.S. Asked a fellow what St. Paul preferred. He said, "St. Paul +Preferred Dividends, you Know." Perhaps St. Paul did. A great many +stockholders do. But what stock did St. Paul hold? Was it Mariposa +or--"Only just taken one, but, as you observe, the weather _is_ +confounded hot--so I don't mind if I--" + +GREENBAYS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DOG IN THE MANGER. +Crispin won't do the work himself, and won't let John Chinaman do it. ] + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +We have just received from "DICK TINTO," our special correspondent at +the seat of war, the following metrical production said to have been +written by HENRI ROCHEFORT in prison, but suppressed in obedience to +orders from the Emperor. PUNCHINELLO felicitates his readers upon the +enterprise which enables him to lay it before them, and flatters himself +that the enormous trouble and expense involved in hauling it to this +side of the Atlantic, will not prevent him from doing it again--if +necessary. + +AU PRINCE IMPERIAL. + +SCENE.--_A square fronting the Bureau of the chemin de fer for Chalons +and Metz. Time, Midi._ + +The Prince Imperial, en route for the seat of war, is seated upon a +milk-white steed. Beneath his left arm he convulsively carries a +struggling game-cock, with gigantic gaffs, while his right hand feebly +clutches a lance, the napping of whose pennant in his face appears to +give him great annoyance and suggests the services of a "Shoo-fly." +Around him throng the ladies of the Imperial bed-chamber and a cohort of +nurses, who cover his legs with kisses, and then dart furtively between +his horse's _jambes_ as if to escape the pressure of the crowd. Just +beyond these a throng of hucksters, market-women, butchers, bakers, +etc., vociferously urge him to accept their votive offerings of garden +truck, carrots, cabbages, parsnips, haunches of beef, baskets of French +rolls and the like, all of which the Prince proudly declines, whereupon +the vast concourse breaks forth into this wild chant to the air of + +BINGEN ON THE RHINE. + + From fountains bright at fair Versailles, + And gardens of St. Cloud-- + With a rooster of the Gallic breed + To cock-a-doodle-do-- + + Behold! our Prince Imperial comes, + And in his hands a lance, + That erst he'll cross with German spears + For glory and for France. + + They've ta'en his bib and tucker off, + And set him on a steed; + That he may ride where soldiers ride, + And bleed where soldiers bleed. + + They've cut his curls of jetty hair, + And armed him _cap a pie_, + Until he looks as fair a knight + As France could wish to see. + + Ho! ladies of the chamber, + Ho! nurses, gather near; + Your _charge_ upon a _charger_ waits + To shed the parting tear. + + Come! kiss him for his mother, + _Et pour sa Majeste,_ + And twine his brow with garlands of + The fadeless _fleurs de lis._ + + _Voila!_ who but a few moons gone + Of babies held the van, + Now wears his spurs and draws his blade + Like any other man! + + Then come, ye courtly dames of France, + Oh! take him to your heart, + And cheer as only woman can + Our beardless BONAPARTE; + + For ere another sun shall set, + Those lips cannot be kissed; + And through the grove and in the court + Their prattling will be missed. + + The light that from those soft blue eyes + Now kindly answers thine, + Will flash where mighty armies tread, + Upon the banks of Rhine. + + Yea, hide from him, as best you can, + All womanly alarms, + Nor smile with those who mocking cry, + "Behold! A _babe-in-arms!_" + + A babe indeed! Oh! sland'rous tongues, + A Prince fresh from his smock, + Shows _manly_ proof if he can stand + The battle shout and shock. + + And this is one on whom the gods + Have put their stamp divine: + The latest, and perchance the last + Of Corsica's dread line. + + Then for the Prince Imperial + _Citoyens_ loudly cheer: + That his right arm may often bring + Some German to his _bier_; + + That distant Rhineland, trembling, + May hear his battle-cry, + And neutral nations wondering ask, + "_Oh! how is this far high?_" + +Our private dispatches from the seat of war in Europe are very +confusing. The "Seat" appears to be considerably excited, but the "War" +takes things easily, and seems to have "switched off" for an indefinite +time. It is observed by many that there never was a war precisely like +this war, and if it hadn't been for a Dutch female, the Duchess of +Flanders, it is fair to suppose that PUNCHINELLO wouldn't have been out +of pocket so much for cablegrams. The Duchess took it into her head (and +her head appears to have had room for it,) that her blood relative, +LEOPOLD, couldn't get his blood up to accept the Spanish Crown. Well, as +it turned out, the Duchess was right. Anyhow, she went for L., (a letter +by the way, which few Englishman can pronounce in polite society,) and +told him that there was + + "* * * a tide in the affairs of men, + Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune." + +LEOPOLD said he had heard of that tide; but he didn't believe in always +"follerin' on it," no matter what betided. Then the Duchess got up her +Dutch spunk, and spoke out pretty freely, saying as much as if LEOPOLD +were a tame sort of poodle, and that _she_ ought to have been born to +wear breeches, just to show him how a man should act in a great crisis +like the present. + +"Just so," says LEOPOLD, "but you see the 'crisis' is what's the matter. +If it wasn't for the 'crisis,' I'd go in for ISABELLA'S old armchair +faster than a hungry pig could root up potatoes." FLANDERS saw at a +glance how the goose hung, and that her bread would all be dough if +something wasn't done, and that quickly. She knew LEOPOLD'S weakness for +Schnapps, when he was a boy at Schiedam, and, producing a bottle of the +Aromatic elixir, with which she had previously armed herself in +expectation of his obstinacy, poured out a glassful and requested him to +clear his voice with it. Fifteen minutes after his vocal organs had been +thus renewed, LEOPOLD was in a condition to see things in an entirely +new light, and hesitated no longer to write the following note to +General PRIM: + +Dear PRIM: The thing has been satisfactorily explained to me, and I +accept. Enclosed find a bottle of Schnapps. You never tasted Schnapps +like this. The Duchess says she don't care a cuss for NAP, and that I +mustn't neither. + +--LEOPOLD, SIGMARINGEN-HOHENZOLLERN. + +This is a veritable account of the origin of the European +"unpleasantness," and can be certified to any one who will call upon us +and examine the original dispatches. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are offering at the following | + | | + | EXTREMELY LOW PRICES, | + | | + | Notwithstanding the large advance in gold, | + | | + | TWO CASES EXTRA QUALITY | + | | + | JAPANESE POPLINS In Silver-Grey | + | and Ashes of Roses, | + | | + | 75 cts. per yard, formerly $1.25 per yard. | + | | + | REAL GAZE DE CHAMBRAY, | + | Best quality, 75 cts. per yard, formerly $1.80 per yard. | + | | + | A LARGE ASSORTMENT OF | + | SUMMER SILKS | + | For Young Ladies, in Stripes and Checks, $1 per | + | yard, recently sold at $1.50 and $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | HEAVY GROS GRAIN | + | Black and White Silks, | + | $1 per yard. | + | | + | STRIPED MONGOLIAN SILKS, | + | FOR COSTUMES, $1 per yard. | + | 100 Pieces in "American" Black Silks. | + | (Guaranteed for Durability,) | + | $2 per yard. | + | | + | A COMPLETE ASSORTMENT OF | + | Trimming Silks and Satins. | + | Cut Either Straight or Bias, for | + | $1.25 per yard. | + | | + | A CHOICE AND SELECTED STOCK OF | + | Colored Gros Grain Silks, | + | At $2.60 and $2.75 per yard. | + | | + | CREPE DE CHINES, 56 Inchs wide, | + | IN EVERY REQUISITE COLOR. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Are closing out their stock of | + | FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC | + | CARPETS, | + | | + | (The greatest portion just received), | + | | + | Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and Canton | + | Mattings, &c., | + | | + | At a Great REDUCTION IN PRICES, | + | | + | Notwithstanding the unexpected extraordinary | + | rise in gold. | + | | + | _Customers and Strangers are Respectfully_ | + | INVITED TO EXAMINE. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | Are Closing out all their Popular Stocks of | + | Summer Dress Goods, | + | | + | AT PRICES LOWER THAN EVER. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Extraordinary Bargains | + | | + | in | + | | + | LADIES' PARIS ADD DOMESTIC READY-MADE | + | Suits, Robes, Reception Dresses, &c. | + | Some less than half their cost. | + | | + | AND WE WILL DAILY OFFER NOVELTIES IN | + | Plain and Braided Victoria Lawn, Linen | + | and Pique Travelling Suits. | + | | + | CHILDREN'S BRAIDED LINEN AND | + | | + | Pique Garments, | + | | + | SIZES FROM 2 YEARS TO 10 YEARS OF AGE, | + | | + | PANIER BEDOUIN MANTLES, | + | IN CHOICE COLORS, From $3.50 to $7 each | + | | + | Richly Embroidered Cashmere and | + | Cloth Breakfast Jackets, | + | PARIS MADE, | + | $8 each and upward. | + | | + | A.T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo. | + | Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,)--for $4.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $3.00 chromos: | + | | + | Wild Roses. 12-1/8 x 9. | + | Dead Game. 11-1/8 x 8-5/8. | + | Easter Morning. 6-3/4 x 10-1/4--for $5.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $5.00 chromos: | + | | + | Group of Chickens; | + | Group of Ducklings; | + | Group of Quails. Each 10 x 12-1/8. | + | The Poultry Yard. 10-1/8 x 14. | + | The Barefoot Boy; Wild Fruit. Each 9-3/4 x 13. | + | Pointer and Quail; Spaniel and Woodcock. 10 x 12--for $6.50 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $6.00 chromos: | + | | + | The Baby in Trouble; The Unconscious Sleeper; The Two | + | Friends. (Dog and Child.) Each 13 x 16-3/4. | + | Spring; Summer: Autumn; 12-7/8 x 16-1/8. | + | The Kid's Play Ground. 11 x 17-1/2--for $7.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $7.50 chromos | + | | + | Strawberries and Baskets. | + | Cherries and Baskets. | + | Currants. Each 13x18. | + | Horses in a Storm. 22-1/4 x 15-1/4. | + | Six Central Park Views. (A set.) 9-1/8 x 4-1/2--for $8.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and Six American Landscapes. | + | (A set.) 4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00--for $9.00 | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year and either of the | + | following $10 chromos: | + | | + | Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/8 x 12 | + | Easter Morning. 14 x 21. | + | Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/2 x 16-3/8. | + | Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,) | + | 15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), | + | for $10.00 | + | | + | Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank | + | Checks on New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be | + | sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not | + | otherwise ordered. | + | | + | Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, | + | twenty cents per year, or five cents per quarter, in | + | advance; the CHROMOS will be mailed free on receipt of | + | money. | + | | + | CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be | + | given. For special terms address the Company. | + | | + | The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of | + | seeing the paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A | + | specimen copy sent to any one desirous of canvassing or | + | getting up a club, on receipt of postage stamp. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | P.O. Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: A PASSAGE FROM CENTRAL PARK. + +_Whittier's Barefoot Boy_. "O GOLLY! WHAT A SHAME FOR THAT OLD CUSS TO +CHUCK THE STUMP OF HIS CIGAR INTO THE LAKE, 'STEAD OF DROPPING IT WHERE +A FELLOW COULD PICK IT UP!"] + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail, | + | LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers. | + | COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers, | + | CARD Manufacturers, | + | ENVELOPE Manufacturers, | + | FINE CUT and COLOR Printers. | + | | + | 163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., | + | 73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New York. | + | | + | ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under | + | immediate supervision of the proprietors. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Tourists and Pleasure Travelers | + | | + | will be glad to learn that that the Erie Railway Company has | + | prepared. | + | | + | COMBINATION EXCURSION | + | | + | OR | + | | + | Round Trip Tickets, | + | | + | Valid during the entire season, and embracing | + | Ithaca--headwaters of Cayuga Lake--Niagara Falls, Lake | + | Ontario, the River St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake | + | Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the White Mountains, and | + | all principal points of interest in Northern New York, the | + | Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 38 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St. Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St, New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," | + | "Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the | + | world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of | + | stamp. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management | + | and publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, | + | and with the still more positive advantage of an Ample | + | Capital to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under | + | date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless | + | postage stamps are inclosed. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the | + | receipt of ten cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other | + | magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | P.O. Box 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO | + | BY ORPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found at the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from | + | this office, free,) Ten Cents. | + | | + | Subscription for One Year, one copy, with $2 Chromo | + | Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any | + | one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, P.O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau | + | St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +Geo. W. Wheat & Co. Printers, No. 8 Spruce Street. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello Vol. 1, No. 21, August 20, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO VOL. 1, NO. 21 *** + +***** This file should be named 10016.txt or 10016.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10016/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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