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diff --git a/10015-h/10015-h.htm b/10015-h/10015-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ceea4a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/10015-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1959 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 19.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10015 ***</div> + +<table width="800" border="1" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J.M. SPRAGUE</p> + <p>Is the Authorized Agent of</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + <p>For the</p> + <p><b>New England States,</b></p> + <p>To Procure Subscriptions,<br> +and to Employ Canvassers.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" border="0" align="center" cellpadding="3" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 19.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</p> + <p> <big><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></big></p> + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON,</p> + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 35%;" rowspan="2"> + <p><big><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS</b>.<br> + <br> + </big></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Monthly</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>The Weekly Numbers for July,</p> + <br> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover</b>,</p> + <br> + <p>Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>THE TRADE</big></p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY,</big></p> + <p>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>FORST & AVERELL</b></p> + <p><b>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Pres</b></p> + <p><b>PRINTERS</b>,</p> + <p><b>EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL MANUFACTURERS</b>.</p> + <br> + <p>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</p> + <br> + <b>23 Platt Street, and<br> +20-22 Gold Street</b>,<br> +[P.O. Box 2845.]<br> +NEW YORK.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="3" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big><big>What it is Not!</big></big></big></big></p> + <br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> +The College Courant is NOT<br> + <br> + <table> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td><small>Merely a small student's sheet,<br> +Merely of interest to college men,<br> +Merely a COLLEGE paper,<br> +Merely a local paper,<br> +Merely scientific and educational,<br> +An experiment,<br> +Conducted by students,<br> +Stale and dry,</small><br> + </td> + <td><small>But is the largest in N.E.<br> +But to every one,<br> +But is a scientific paper,<br> +But is cosmopolitan,<br> +But is literary,<br> +But an established weekly<br> +But by graduates,<br> +But fresh and interesting</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <br> +It circulates in every College.<br> +It circulates in every Professional School.<br> +It circulates in every Preparatory School.<br> +It circulates in every State in the United States.<br> +It circulates in every civilized country.<br> +It circulates among all College men.<br> +It circulates among all Scientific men.<br> +It circulates among the educated everywhere.<br> + <br> + <br> +July 1st a new volume commences.<br> +July 1st 10,000 new subscribers wanted.<br> +July 1st excellent illustrations will appear.<br> +July 1st 10,000 specimen copies to be issued.<br> +July 1st is a good time to subscribe.<br> +July 1st or any time send stamp for a copy.<br> + <p><b>TERMS</b>:</p> +One year, in advance, - - - - - - - - - - - - - $4.00<br> +Single copies (for sale by all newsdealers), - - .10<br> + <br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Address</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE COLLEGE COURANT,</big></big><br> + <br> + </span> <big><b>New Haven, Conn</b>.</big><br> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>DIBBLEEANIA</b></p> + <p>AND</p> + <p>Japonica Juice,</p> + <p><b>FOR THE HAIR</b>.</p> + <p>The most effective Soothing and Stimulating Compounds ever +offered to the public for the</p> + <p><b>Removal of Scurf, Dandruff, &c</b>.</p> + <p>For consultation, apply at</p> + <p>WILLIAM DIBBLEE'S,</p> + <p>Ladies' Hair Dresser and Wig Maker.</p> + <p><b>854 BROADWAY, N.Y. City</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>Begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></big></big></p> + <p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</p> + <p><b>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED</b>,</p> + <p>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</p> + <p>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses, +can have the same forwarded by inclosing two Stamps.</p> + <p>OFFICE OF</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</b>.,</p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + <p>P.O. Box 2783.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>FOLEY'S</p> + <p><b>GOLD PENS</b>.</p> + <p>THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</p> + <p>256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b><big><big>$2</big></big><br> +to ALBANY and TROY</b>.</big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew</b>, +commencing May 31, will leave vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs</b>. Fare <b>$4.25</b> from New York and for +Cherry Valley. The Steamboat <b>Seneca</b> will transfer passengers +from Albany to Troy.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + <p>begs to announce to the friends of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big>"PUNCHINELLO,"</big></big></p> + <p>residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has +made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</p> + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage paid.</small></p> + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing +Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OFFICE OF</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</p> + <p>83 Nassau Street.</p> + <p>P.O. Box 2783.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R. NICHOLS, M.D. WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <b>HOME LIFE</b>, <b>The Arts, +Agriculture, and Medicine</b>. $1.00 Per Year. <i>Journal and +Punchinello (without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY, <b>150 +CONGRESS STREET, BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank</big></p> + <p>33 BROADWAY,</p> + <p><b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p>Commences on the First of every Month.</p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i></p> + <p>REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.</p> + <p>WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p>Draughtsman & Designer</p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE</b></p> + <p><b>MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.</b></p> + <p><b>AN ADAPTATION.</b></p> + <p>BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p> + <p>CHAPTER XII—(Continued.)</p> + <p>The pauper burial-ground toward which they now progress in a +rather high-stepping manner, or—to vary the phrase—toward which their +steps are now very much bent, is not a favorite resort of the more +cheerful village people after nightfall. Ask any resident of +Bumsteadville if he believed in ghosts, and, if the time were mid-day +and the place a crowded grocery store, he would fearlessly answer in +the negative; (just the same as a Positive philosopher in cast-iron +health and with no thunder shower approaching would undauntedly deny a +Deity!) but if any resident of Bumsteadville should happen to be caught +near the country editor's last home after dark, he would get over that +part of his road in a curiously agile and flighty manner;—(just the +same as a Positive philosopher with a sore throat, or at an uncommonly +showy bit of lightning, would repeat "Now I lay me down to sleep," with +surprising devotion.) So, although no one in all Bumsteadville was in +the least afraid of the pauper burial-ground at any hour, it was not +invariably selected by the great mass of the populace as a peerless +place to go home by at midnight; and the two intellectual explorers +find no sentimental young couples rambling arm in arm among the ghastly +head-boards, nor so much as one loiterer smoking his segar on a +suicide's tomb.</p> + <p>"JOHN McLAUGHLIN, you're getting nervous again," says Mr. +BUMSTEAD, catching him in the coat collar with the handle of his +umbrella and drawing the other toward him hand-over-hand. "It's about +time that you should revert again to the hoary JAMES AKER'S excellent +preparation for the human family.—I'll try it first, myself, to see if +it tastes at all of the cork.</p> + <p>"Ah-h," sighs OLD MORTARITY, after his turn has come and been +enjoyed at last, "that's the kind of Spirits I don't mind being a +wrapper to. I could wrap <i>them</i> up all right."</p> + <p>Reflectively chewing a clove, the Ritualistic organist +reclines on the pauper grave of a former writer for the daily press, +and cogitates upon his companion's leaning to Spiritualism; while the +other produces matches and lights their lanterns.</p> + <p>"Mr. McLAUGHLIN," he solemnly remarks, waving his umbrella at +the graves around, "in this scene you behold the very last of man's +individual being. In this entombment he ends forever. Tremble, J. +McLAUGHLIN!—forever. Soul and Spirit are but unmeaning words, according +to the latest big things in science. The departed Dr. DAVIS SLAVONSKI, +of St. Petersburg, before setting out for the Asylum, proved, by his +Atomic Theory, that men are neatly manufactured of Atoms of matter, +which are continually combining together until they form Man; and then +going through the process of Life, which is but the mechanical effect +of their combination; and then wearing apart again by attrition into +the exhaustion of cohesion called Death; and then crumbling into +separate Atoms of native matter, or dust, again; and then gradually +combining again, as before, and evolving another Man; and Living, and +Dying, again; and so on forever. Thus, and thus only, is Man immortal. +You are made exclusively of Atoms of matter, yourself, JOHN McLAUGHLIN. +So am I."</p> + <p>"I can understand a man's believing that <i>he, himself,</i> +is all Atoms of matter, and nothing else," responds OLD MORTARITY, +skeptically.</p> + <p>"As how, JOHN McLAUGHLIN,—as how?"</p> + <p>"When he knows that, at any rate, he hasn't got one atom of +common sense," is the answer.</p> + <p>Suddenly Mr. BUMSTEAD arises from the grave and frantically +shakes hands with him.</p> + <p>"You're right, sir!" he says, emotionally. "You're a +gooroleman, sir. The Atom of common sense was one of the Atoms that +SLAVONSKI forgot all about. Let's do some skeletons now."</p> + <p>At the further end of the pauper burial-ground, and in the +rear of the former Alms-House, once stood a building used successively +as a cider-mill, a barn, and a kind of chapel for paupers. Long ago, +from neglect and bad weather, the frail wooden superstructure had +fallen into pieces and been gradually carted off; but a sturdy stone +foundation remained underground; and, although the flooring over it had +for many years been covered with debris and rank growth, so as to be +undistinguishable to common eyes from the general earth around it, the +great cellar still extended beneath, and, according to weird rumor, had +some secret access for OLD MORTARITY, who used it as a charnel +store-house for such spoils of the grave as he found in his prowlings.</p> + <p>To the spot thus historied the two moralists of the moonlight +come now, and, with many tumbles, Mr. McLAUGHLIN removes certain +artfully placed stones and rubbish, and lifts a clumsy extemporized +trap-door. Below appears a ricketty old step-ladder leading into +darkness.</p> + <p>"I heard such cries and groans down there, last Christmas Eve, +as sounded worse than the Latin singing in the Ritualistic church," +observes McLAUGHLIN.</p> + <p>"Cries and groans!" echoes Mr. BUMSTEAD, turning quite pale, +and momentarily forgetting the snakes which he is just beginning to +discover among the stones. "You're getting nervous again, poor wreck, +and need some more West Indian cough-mixture.—Wait until I see for +myself whether it's got enough sugar in it."</p> + <p>In due time the great nervous antidote is passed and replaced, +and then, with the lighted lanterns worked around under their arms, +they go down the tottering ladder. Down they go into a great, damp, +musty cavern, to which their lights give a pallid illumination.</p> + <p>"See here," says OLD MORTARITY, raising a long, curved bone +from the floor. "Look at that: shoulder-blade of unmarried Episcopal +lady, aged thirty-nine."</p> + <p>"How do you know she was so old, and unmarried?" asks the +organist.</p> + <p>"Because the shoulder-blade's so sharp."</p> + <p>Mr. Bumstead is surprised at this specimen of the art of an +AGASSIZ and WATERHOUSE HAWKINS in such a mortary old man, and his +intellectual pride causes him to resolve at once upon a rival display.</p> + <p>"Look at this skull, JOHN McLAUGHLIN," he says, referring to +an object that he has found behind the ladder. "See thish fine, +retreating brow, bulging chin, projecting occipital bone, and these +orifices of ears that musht've been stupen'sly long. It's the skull, +JOHN McLAUGHLIN, of a twin-brother of the man who really wished—really +wished, JOHN McLAUGHLIN—that he could be sat'shfied, sir, in his own +mind, that CHARLES DICKENS was a Christian writer."</p> + <p>"Why, thash's skull of a hog," explains Mr. McLAUGHLIN, with +some contempt.</p> + <p>"Twin-brother—all th'shame," says Mr. BUMSTEAD, as though that +made no earthly difference.</p> + <p>Once more, what a strange expedition is this! How strangely +the eyes of the two men look, after two or three more applications to +the antique flask; and how curiously Mr. Bumstead walks on tip-toe at +times and takes short leaps now and then.</p> + <p>"Lesh go now," says BUMSTEAD, after both have been asleep upon +their feet several times; "I think th's snakes down here, JOHN +McBUMSTEAD."</p> + <p>"Wh'st! monkies, you mean,—dozens of black monkies, Mr. +BUMPLIN," whispers OLD MORTARITY, clutching his arm as he sinks against +him.</p> + <p>"Noshir! Serp'nts!" insists Mr. BUMSTEAD, making futile +attempts to open his umbrella with one hand. "Warzesmarrer with th' +light?—ansh'r me t' once, Mac JOHNBUNKLIN!"</p> + <p>In their swayings under the confusions and delusions of the +vault, their lanterns have worked around to the neighborhoods of their +spines, so that, whichever way they turn, the light is all behind them. +Greatly agitated, as men are apt to be when surrounded by supernatural +influences, they do not perceive the cause of this apparently unnatural +illumination; and, upon turning round and round in irregular circles, +and still finding the light in the wrong place, they exhibit signs of +great trepidation.</p> + <p>"Warzemarrer wirra <i>light?</i>" repeats Mr. BUMSTEAD, +spinning wildly until he brings up against the wall.</p> + <p>"Ishgotb'witched, I b'lieve," pants Mr. McLAUGHLIN, whirling +as frenziedly with his own lantern dangling behind him, and coming to +an abrupt pause against the opposite wall.</p> + <p>Thus, each supported against the stones by a shoulder, they +breathe hard for a moment, and then sink into a slumber in which they +both slide down to the ground. Aroused by the shock, they sit up quite +dazed, brush away the swarming snakes and monkies, are freshly alarmed +by discovering that they are now actually sitting upon that perverse +light behind them, and, by a simultaneous impulse, begin crawling about +in search of the ladder. <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">Unable to +see anything with all the light behind him, but fancying</span><br> +that he discerns a gleam beyond a dark object near at hand, Mr. +BUMSTEAD rises to a standing attitude by a series of complex +manoeuvres, and plants a foot on something.</p> + <p>"I'morth'larrer!" he cries, spiritedly.</p> + <p>"Th'larrer's on me!" answers Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in evidently +great bewilderment.</p> + <p>Then ensue a momentary wild struggle and muffled crash; for +each gentleman, coming blindly upon the other, has taken the light +glimmering at the other's back for the light at the top of the ladder, +and, further mistaking the other in the dark for the ladder itself, has +attempted to climb him. Mr. BUMSTEAD, however, has got the first step; +whereupon, Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in resenting what he takes for the ladder's +inexcusable familiarity, has twisted both himself and his equally +deluded companion into a pretty hard fall.</p> + <p>Another interval of hard breathing, and then the organist of +Saint Cow's asks: "Di'you hear anything drop?"</p> + <p>"Yshir, th'larrer got throwed, f'rimpudence to a gen'l'm'n," +is the peevish return of OLD MORTARITY, who immediately falls asleep as +he lies, with his lantern under his spine.</p> + <p>In his sleep, he dreams that BUMSTEAD examines him closely, +with a view to gaining some clue to the mystery of the light behind +both their backs; and, on finding the lantern under him, and, studying +it profoundly for some time, is suddenly moved to feel along his own +back. He dreams that BUMSTEAD thereupon finds his own lantern, and +exclaims, after half an hour's analytical reflection, "It musht'ave +slid round while JOHN MCLAUGHLIN was intosh'cated." Then, or soon +after, the dreamer awakes, and can discern two Mr. BUMSTEADS seated +upon the step-ladders, with a lantern, baby-like, on each knee.</p> + <p>"You two men are awake at last, eh?" say the organists, with +peculiar smiles.</p> + <p>"Yes, gentlemen," return the MCLAUGHLINS, with yawns.</p> + <p>They ascend silently from the cellar, each believing that he +is accompanied by two companions, and rendered moodily distrustful +thereby.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Aina maina mona—Mike.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Bassalone, bona—Strike!"</span><br> + <p>sings a small, familiar voice, when they stand again above +ground, and a stone whizzes between their heads.</p> + <p>In another moment BUMSTEAD has the fell SMALLEY by the collar, +and is shaking him like a yard of carpet.</p> + <p>"You wretched little tarrier!" he cries in a fury, "you've +been spying around to-night, to find out something about my +Spiritualism that may be distorted to injure my Ritualistic standing."</p> + <p>"I ain't done nothing; and you jest drop me, or I'll knock +spots out of yer!" carols the stony young child. "I jest come to have +my aim at that old Beat there."</p> + <p>"Attend to his case, then—his and his friend's, for he seems +to have some one with him—and never let me see you two boys again."</p> + <p>Thus Mr. BUMSTEAD, as he releases the excited lad, and turns +from the pauper burial-ground for a curious kind of pitching and +running walk homeward. The strange expedition is at an end:-but <i>which</i> +end he is unable just then to decide.</p> + <p>(<i>To be Continued.</i>)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/04a.jpg" alt=""> + <p>CLERKS ALL AWAY ON A SATURDAY FROLIC, WHICH ACCOUNTS FOR THE +UNFORTUNATE POSITION OF THIS STOUT GENTLEMAN, WHO WAS LEFT ALONE TO +LOCK UP HIS STORE.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/04b.jpg" + alt="PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE."> </center> + <p><b>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</b></p> + <p><i>Johnny</i>.—Yes, you may offer your arm to your pretty +cousin in the country whenever you think she would like it, except when +Mr. PUNCHINELLO is present. If that gallant gentleman is at hand, +escort duty may, with perfect propriety, be left to him.</p> + <p><i>Charles</i> inquires whether his handwriting is good enough +to qualify him for membership in a base ball club. We think he is all +right on that score.</p> + <p><i>Glaucus.</i>—We have never heard that Newport is a good +place for gathering sea-shells, but we presume you can shell out there +if you wish.</p> + <p><i>Chapeau</i>.—Hats will be worn on the head this season. It +is not considered stylish to hang them on the ear, eyebrow, or coat +collar.</p> + <p><i>Cit.</i>—The correct dimensions of a Saratoga pocket-book +have not been definitely decided. As to sending it, it is doubtful +whether the rail-road companies would receive it as baggage. Perhaps +you could charter a canal boat.</p> + <p><i>Aspirant</i>.—We cannot tell you the price of "bored" in +Washington "for a few weeks." No doubt you could get liberally bored at +a reasonable rate.</p> + <p><i>Sorosis</i>—It was very wrong for your husband to mention +the muddy coffee. However, we advise you to attempt a settlement of +such troubles without creating a public scandal.</p> + <p><i>Butcher Boy</i>.—You cannot succeed as a writer of "lite +comidy" if you continue to weave such tragic spells. "The Lean Larder" +would not be an attractive title for your play.</p> + <p><i>C. Drincarty</i> submits the following problem: If one +swallow don't make a summer, how many claret punches can a man take +before fall? Will some of our ingenious readers offer a suitable +solution?</p> + <p><i>Culturist</i>.—The potato has been grafted with great +success on the cucumber tree in some of the Western States. The stock +should be heated by a slow fire until the sap starts. The grafts should +be boiled in a preparation known to science as vanilla cream.</p> + <p><i>Truth</i>.—Your information is not authentic. LOUIS +NAPOLEON never played marbles in Central Park, nor took his little Nap +in the vestibule of WOOD'S Museum.</p> + <p><i>Fanny</i> inquires whether "ballot girls" are wanted in New +York. Wyoming is a better field for them than this city.</p> + <p><i>Maine Chance</i> has been paying his <i>devoirs</i> with +great impartiality to two young ladies. One of them has red hair and a +Roman nose, but the paternal income is very handsome. The other is +witty and pretty, but can bring no rocks, except possibly "Rock the +cradle." Recently he called on the golden girl, and a menial rudely +repulsed him from the door. This hurt his feelings. He then went to the +dwelling of the Fair, when a big dog attacked him "on purpose," and +lacerated his trousers. He wants to know whether he has any remedy in +the courts. His best way is the way home.</p> + <p><i>Rifleman</i>.—You are right; the rival guns—the Dreyse and +the Chassepot—are also rifle-guns. Both of them are provided with +needles, as you suppose, but, so far as there is any chance of their +being put to the test under present circumstances, in Europe, it rather +appears that both of them will prove Needless.</p> + <p><i>Piscator</i>.—No; the weak-fish is not so called on account +of any supposed feebleness attributable to it. If you take a round of +the markets one of these roaring hot days, your senses will tell you +that the weakfish is sometimes very strong.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img src="images/05.jpg" align="left" alt="A">s a good many +persons know, LA GISELLE is a ballet whose hundred legs are nightly +displayed on the stage of the GRAND OPERA HOUSE.</p> + <p>The <i>Twelve Temptations</i> have ceased to tempt, and the +familiar legs of LUPE no longer allure. But in their place we have +KATHI LANNER, and BERTHA LIND, and nearly a gross of assorted legs of +the very best quality.</p> + <p>Why do the women clamor for the ballot, when they have almost +exclusive possession of the ballet? The latter is much nicer and more +useful than the former. The average repeater can obtain only a dollar +for his ballot, but the average ballet will find any quantity of +enthusiastic admirers at one dollar and a half a head. Would any man +pay KATHI LANNER a dollar for the privilege of seeing her with a ballot +in her hand?</p> + <p>On the other hand, lives there a man with eyes so dead that he +would not cheerfully pay twice that sum to see her in the mazes of the +ballet?</p> + <p>But <i>La Giselle</i>? Certainly. I am coming to that in a +moment. I have often thought that nature must have intended me for a +writer of sermons. I have such a facility for beginning an article with +a series of general remarks that have nothing whatever to do with the +subject.</p> + <p>Though how can any one be rationally expected to stick to +anything in this weather, except, perhaps, the newly varnished surface +of his desk? And how can even the firmest of resolutions be prevented +from melting and vanishing away, with the thermometer at more degrees +than one likes to mention? You remember the old proverb: "Man proposes, +but his mother-in-law finally disposes." The bearing of this +observation lies in its application.</p> + <p>By the bye, I don't know a better application, in the present +weather, than claret punch. Apply yourself continually to that cooling +beverage, and apply it continually to your lips, and the result is a +sort of reciprocity treat, whose results are much more certain than +those of the reciprocity treaty, of which Congress has latterly had so +much to say.</p> + <p>To contemplate <i>La Giselle</i> in all its bearings is a +pleasure which is peculiarly appropriate to the season. KATHI LANNER +and her companions may not be really cool, but they look as though they +were. They remind one of the East Indian country houses that are built +on posts, so as to allow a free circulation of air beneath the +foundation. Anyhow, they look as if they took things coolly.</p> + <p>(A joke might be made on the words coolly and Coolie. The +reader may mix to his own taste. It's too hot for any one to make jokes +for other people.)</p> + <p>But <i>La Giselle</i>? Yes! yes! I am just ready to speak of +it. <i>La Giselle</i> is a grand ballet in which an elaborate plot is +developed by the toes of some fifty young ladies. There is a young +woman in it who loves a man, and there is another woman who also loves +him, and another man who loves the first woman, and meddles and mars as +though he were a professional philanthropist.</p> + <p>The woman—the first woman, I mean—goes crazy down to the +extremity of her feet, and dies, and then there are more women,—no; +these last are disembodied spirits, with nothing but light skirts +on,—who dance in graveyards, and make young men dance with them till +they fall down exhausted, calling in vain for BROWN to take them home +in carriages, and pay for their torn gloves. The first young woman, and +a young man—not the other young man, you understand—does a good deal +of—Well, in fact, things are rather mixed before the ballet comes to an +end, but I know that it's a good thing, for FISK sits in his private +box and applauds it, which he wouldn't do if he didn't.</p> + <p>And now, having placed <i>La Giselle</i> plainly before your +mental vision, I desire to rise to a personal explanation. For the +ensuing four weeks, the places, in <b>PUNCHINELLO</b>, which have +heretofore known me, will know me no more. I am going to a quiet +country place on Long Island to write war correspondence for the—well, +I won't mention the name of the paper. You see the editor of the <i>Na----</i> +of the paper in question, I should say,—wants to have an independent +and unprejudiced account of the great struggle on the Rhine—something +that shall be different from any other account.—Down on Long Island, I +shall be out of the reach of either French or Prussian influence, and +will be able to describe events as they should be. I have made +arrangements with the "Veteran Observer" of the <i>Times</i> to take +charge of this column during my absence. If he can only curb his +natural tendency toward frivolity and jocoseness, I am in hopes that he +will be able to draw his salary as promptly and efficiently as though +he were a younger man. Remarking, therefore, in the words of <i>Kathleen +Mavourneen</i>, that my absence "may be four weeks, and it may be +longer," I bid my readers a warm (thermometer one hundred and five +degrees) farewell.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>JUPITER BELLICOSUS.</b></p> + <p>Truly, <b>PUNCHINELLO</b>, this is an age of progress. Wars +of succession are no more. Absolutism must forever hang its head. Fling +a glance at France; peer into Prussia, <i>Vox populi</i> is the voice +of the King, and the voice of the king is therefore <i>vox Dei</i>. +When a king speaks for his people he must speak sooth; what he says of +other peoples must be taken with a grain of salt. Bearing this in mind, +the apparent inconsistency between the regal rigmarole and the Imperial +improvisation (these epithets are a tribute to the Republic) which I +have received by our <i>special wire</i> from Europe were addressed by +the monarchs to their respective armies before the grand "wiring in" +which is to follow.</p> + <p>WILHELM KOENIG VON PRUSSEN.</p> + <p><i>Soldaten</i>: The Gaul is at our gates. <i>Vaterland</i> +is in danger: my <i>weiss</i> is then for war. France, led by a +despot, is about to desecrate the Rhine. His imperial bees are +swarming, but we shall send him back with his bees in his bonnet, and a +bee's mark (BISMARCK) on the end of his nasal organ. France wars for +conquest; Prussia never. When FREDERICK the Great captured Silesia from +a Roman without any apparent pretext, was he not an instrument of +Providence? When, in company with Austria, we beat and bullied Denmark +out of Schleswig-Holstein, were we not victorious, and is not that +sufficient justification? When we afterwards beat this Austria, did it +not serve her right? And when we absorbed Hanover, &c., was it not +to protect them? Yes, our present object is the defence of our country +and the capture of Alsace and Lorraine, which mere politeness prevented +us from claiming hitherto. On, then, soldiers of Deutchland. Let our <i>law +reign</i> in Lorraine, for what is sauce for the Prussian goose should +be Alsace for the Gallic gander. The God of battles is on the side of +our just cause; Leipsic is looking at us, Waterloo is watching us. GOTT + <i>und</i> WILHELM, <i>sauerkraut und schnapps. Vorwarts.</i></p> + <p>NAPOLEON, EMPEREUR DES FRANCAIS.</p> + <p><i>Soldats:</i> True to your trust in me, I am about to lead +you to slaughter. <i>L'Empire c'est la paix</i>. Prussia would place a +poor and distant relative of mine on the throne of Spain, therefore +must we recover the natural frontier of France, which lies upon the +Rhine. The rhino is ready, and we are ready for the Rhine. Let my red +republican subjects recall Valmy and Jemappes, and their generals +KELLERMANN and DUMAURIOZ. Let every Frenchman kill a Prussian, every +woman too <i>kill her man</i>. They did much for <i>la patrie</i> in +those days, but do <i>more ye to-day</i>. France wars for ideas only; +Prussia for rapine. We have heard this Rhine-whine long enough; it has +got into our heads at last.</p> + <p>The spirit of my uncle has its eye upon you. Ambition was no +part of his nature. His struggles were all for the good of France, +"which he loved so much," as he himself said at his country-seat at St. +Helena. Marshal, then, to the notes of the <i>Marseillaise</i>, which +I now generously permit you to sing.</p> + <p>The Gallic rooster shall "cackle, cackle, clap his wings and +crow," <i>Unter der Linden</i>. Jena judges us, Auerstedt is <i>our +status</i>. The Man of Destiny and December calls you. The God of +armies (who marches with the strongest battalions) is with us.</p> + <p><i>La gloire et des Grenouilles</i>, France and fried +potatoes. <i>L'Empire et moi et le prince Imperial. En avant marche!</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A District that ought to be subject to Earthquakes.</b></p> + <p>Rockland County.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/06.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>THE CELESTIAL SCARECROW IN MASSACHUSETTS.</b></p> + <p>IT CONSISTS OF A CHINESE GONG AND A LOT OF PUPPETS WORKED BY +THE HANDS OF CAPITAL; AND SOME PERSONS THINK IT A GOOD JOKE.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE VULTURE'S CALL.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Come—sisters—come!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The din of arms is rising from +the vale,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Bright arms are glittering in the +morning sun</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And trumpet tones are ringing +in the gale!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Hurrah-hurrah!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">As fast and far</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We hurry to behold the +blithesome game of War!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Haste—sisters—haste!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The drums are booming, shrill +fifes whistling clear,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The scent of human blood is in +the blast,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And the load cannon stuns the +startled ear.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Away—away!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">To view the fray,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For us a feast is spread when +Man goes forth to slay.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Rest—sisters—rest!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Here on these blasted pines; +and mark beneath</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">How war's red whirlwind shakes +earth's crazy breast</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And cumbers it with agony and +death.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Toil, soldiers, toil,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Through war's turmoil,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We Vultures gain the prize—we +Vultures share the spoil.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Not Generally Known.</b></p> + <p>The new three cent stamp smacks of the Revolution; containing, +as it does, the portraits of two military heroes of that period. +General WASHINGTON will be recognized at once, while in the background +can be discerned that brilliant officer—General GREEN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Our Future Millionaires.</b></p> + <p>Once let the Celestials get our American way of doing +business, and there will be plenty of China ASTORS among us.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.</b></p> + <p>CANTO II.</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Hey! Diddle diddle, the cat +and the fiddle</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">The cow jumped over the moon.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The little dog laughed to see +the sport,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">And the dish ran after the spoon."</span><br> + <p>These were the classic expressions of the hilarious poet of a +period far back in the vista of ages. How vividly they portray the +exalted state of his mind; and how impressed the public must have been +at the time; for did not the words become popular immediately, and have +they not so continued to the present day?</p> + <p>Every mother immediately seized upon the verse, and, setting +it to music of her own, sang it as a cradle song to soothe the troubles +of infanthood, and repeated it in great glee to the intelligent babe +when in a crowing mood, as the poem most fitted for the infant's brain +to comprehend.</p> + <p>Papa, anxious to watch the unfolding of the human mind, and +its gradual development, would take the baby-prodigy in his arms, and +with keen glance directed upon its face, repeat, in thrilling tones, +the sublime words. With what joy would he remark and comment upon any +gleam of intelligence, and again and again would he recite, in an +impressive voice, those words so calculated to aid in bringing into +blossom the bud of promise.</p> + <p>But who can meditate upon the memorable stanzas, and not see, +in fancy, the enthusiastic youth—the lover of melody and of nature—as +he enters his dingy room, the ordinary abiding place of poetical +geniuses. He sees his beloved fiddle, and his no less beloved feline +friend, in loving conjunction; he bursts out rapturously with impetuous +joy:</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Hey! diddle diddle, the cat +and the fiddle!"</span><br> + <p>He sees the two things dearest to his heart, and sees them +both at one time! And he must be excused for his sudden night into the +regions of classicism.</p> + <p>No wonder that he immediately imagines the world to be as full +of joy as he himself, and that he thinks</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">"The cow jumped over the moon."</span><br> + <p>Perhaps the sight was a sufficient re-moon-eration to him for +his past troubles; and the exhilaration of his spirits caused him to +dance, to cut pigeon-wings, and otherwise gaily disport himself; +consequently,</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">"The little dog laughed to see +the sport,"</span><br> + <p>which every intelligent dog would have done, under the +circumstances. Certainly, dear reader, you would have done so yourself.</p> + <p>The hilariousness of the poet increasing, and his joyfulness +expanding, his manifestations did not confine themselves to simple +dancing-steps and an occasional pigeon-wing, but, inadvertently +perhaps, he introduced the "can-can," and that explains why</p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">"The dish ran away with the +spoon."</span><br> + <p>For the end of his excited toe came in contact with his only +dish and spoon, and propelled them to the other side of the room. As he +does not tell us whether the dish remained whole after its escapade, we +must conclude that it was broken, and that the dreadful accident +caused, immediately, a damp to descend upon his effervescent spirits.</p> + <p>In what better way could he give vent to his feelings than in +descriptive verse? He could not shed his tears upon the paper and hand +them around for inspection, or write a melancholy sonnet on the frailty +of crockery, as a relief to his mind. No! he chose the course best +fitted to command public attention, as the result proved. He told his +tale—its cause and effect—in as few words as possible. Fortunate if +other poets would only do the same!</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>An Ornithological Con.</b></p> + <p>What bird does General PRIM most resemble?<br> +A Kingfisher.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/07.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>NOTES ON THE FERRY.</b></p> + <p>MR. CARAMEL, WHO IS OBSERVANT, CONTEMPLATIVE, AND GIVEN TO +COMPARISON, ARRIVES AT THE CONCLUSION THAT SOME WOMEN ARE NICER THAN +OTHERS.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MISERIES OF A HANDSOME MAN.</b></p> + <p>Ever since my earliest recollections I have been a victim to +circumstances.</p> + <p>Beauty, which others desire and try every means to obtain, to +me has been a source of untold misery. From my infancy, when ugly women +with horrid breaths would stop my nurse in the streets and insist upon +kissing me—through my school-days, when the girls would pet me and +offer me a share of their nuts and candies, and the boys laugh at me in +consequence, and call me "gal-boy," squirt ink upon my face for +beauty-spots, and present me with curl-papers and flowers for my +hair—until the present, when I am denied introductions to young ladies +and am put off on old women—I have suffered for my looks.</p> + <p>In my boarding-house I am shunned as if I had the plague. When +I enter the parlor or dining-room, I see the ladies look at each other +with a knowing air, as much as to say, "Look at him!" And the answer is +telegraphed back, "Ain't he handsome? but he knows it," as if I could +help knowing it with every one telling me so fifty times a day; and +husbands pay unusual attention to their wives when I am around, as if I +were an ogre.</p> + <p>I am naturally a modest man, made more so by my extreme +sensitiveness to personal criticism; and to be obliged to stand +apparently unconscious, when I know I am being looked at and commented +upon, is harrowing to my feelings. I feel sometimes as if I should drop +down on the floor, but then folks would never stop laughing if I did, +at what they would be pleased to term my extreme ladylikeness! I have +actually prayed that I might get the small-pox, and once walked through +the small-pox hospital for that purpose, but escaped unharmed.</p> + <p>I suppose I must have been vaccinated. In fact, I know I have +been, for how often have I looked at the scar on my arm, and wished it +had been on my cheek, or at the end of my nose, or, in fact, on any +place where it might be considered a blemish.</p> + <p>When I was a child I came near killing myself one night by +going to bed with two large bottle-corks thrust into my nostrils, to +make them large, like other boys'; and have made my mouth sore by +stretching it with my fingers, or forcing melon-rinds into it, to +enlarge it. But it was useless; perhaps the mouth might be sore for a +couple of days, but its shape remained unaltered.</p> + <p>Now that I am a man, I am as unfortunate as ever. My hair <i>will</i> +curl, even when shaved within half-an-inch of the scalp; my moustache +will stay jet-black, although I sometimes wax the ends of it with soap, +and walk on the sunny side of Broadway; my teeth are perfect, and I +never need a dentist; and my hands are shameful for a man,—so all my +old-maid-aunts and bachelor-uncles say.</p> + <p>My affections have been trifled with several times, "because," +as they said, "when they had drawn me to the proposing point, I was too +handsome to be good for anything as a husband—I did very well for a +beau." Goodness! is it only ugly men that can marry? I want to marry +and settle down; for I am so slighted in society that I look with envy +upon homely or mis-shapen men.</p> + <p>But who will have me? I put it to you, my friend, if it isn't +a hard case. I want an intelligent and agreeable wife, and one that +comes of a respectable family. I don't think I am asking too much, but +it seems fate has determined such a one I can never have! I have either +to remain single, or take one that is "ignorant and vulgar." That, of +course, would be as much remarked upon as my appearance, so it cannot +be thought of.</p> + <p>I want to escape observation and criticism. I think strongly +of emigrating to the Rocky Mountains, donning a rough garb, and digging +for gold, in the hope of getting round-shouldered; or hiring myself out +as a wood-chopper, in anticipation of a chip flying up and taking off +part of my obnoxious nose.</p> + <p>If there were no women around, I might escape notice out +there. But if one happened to come along, I should be obliged to leave, +for her eyes would ferret out my unfortunate peculiarities, and all my +wounds would be opened afresh. Sometimes I think there is no spot on +the globe where I would be welcomed; and I feel inclined to commit some +desperate deed, that I may be arrested and confined out of the sight of +man and woman-kind, until I am aged and bent enough to be presentable.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + <p>Passing down Chatham street the other day, PUNCHINELLO stopped +in front of a window where hung a highly-colored engraving of an +Austrian sovereign engaged in the Easter ceremony of washing the feet +of twelve old men and women.</p> + <p>An Irishman at our side, who had been puzzling some time to +comprehend the problem thus submitted to him, finally broke out:</p> + <p>"An' may I ax ye, misther, to be koind enough to exshplain +phat in the wurruld that owld roosther's doin'?" pointing to the figure +of the kneeling monarch.</p> + <p>"He is washing the feet of the ladies and gentlemen," mildly +put in PUNCHINELLO.</p> + <p>"Bedad," says PAT, "don't I see that for meself; but phatis he +doin' it for?"</p> + <p>"It is a ceremony of the Catholic Church," PUNCHINELLO +explained, "typical of the washing of the feet of the Twelve Apostles."</p> + <p>PAT eyed PUNCHINELLO askance with an expression which plainly +enough said that he did not believe we had been reared to tell the +truth strictly upon all occasions, and then added:</p> + <p>"Bad cess to your manners, then, don't I know betther nor +that; for haven't I been in the church these forty years, and sorrow a +sowl ever washed <i>me</i> feet!"</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""><br> + <b>THE SITUATION IN EUROPE.</b><br> + <br> +INTO "BIZ" LOUIS NAP HE IS GOING,<br> +TO PAY OFF THE DEBTS THAT HE'S OWING;<br> +DETERMINED THAT HE WILL MAKE <i>his</i> MARK,<br> +BY TAKING THE CHANGE OUT OF BISMARCK. </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>FROM AN ANXIOUS MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER.</b></p> + <p>[Who is at a Watering Place.]</p> + <p>NEW YORK, July 12, 1870.</p> + <p>MY DEAR DAUGHTER: How are you getting on, dear? Well, I hope, +for you know I <i>do</i> want to get you off, desperately. +Thirty-seven, and still on my hands! Mr. GUSHER, of the +Four-hundred-and-thirty-ninth Avenue, goes down next Saturday. He will +hunt you up. Mr. GUSHER is a nice man—so sympathetic and kind; and has +such a lovely moustache. Besides, my dear SOPHY, he has oceans of +stamps. Quite true, my child, he hasn't much of anything else, but +girls at thirty-seven must not have too sharp eyes, nor see too much. +Do, dear, try and fix him if you can. Put all your little artifices +into effect. Walk, if possible, by moonlight, and alone; that is, with +him. Talk, as you know you can, of the sweets of love and the delights +of home. Dwell on the felicities of love in a cottage, and if he +doesn't see it, dilate on the article in a brown-stone front, with +marble steps. Picture to him in the most glowing terms the joys of the +fireside, with fond you by his side. If he hints that a fireside in +July is slightly tepid, thoughtfully suggest that it is merely a figure +of speech, and introduce an episode of cream to cool it. Quote +vehemently from TENNYSON, and LONGFELLOW, and Mrs. BROWNING. Bring the +artillery of your eyes to bear squarely on the mark. Remember that +thirty-seven years and an anxious mother are steadily looking down upon +you.</p> + <p>Cut SMIRCH. SMIRCH is a worthless fellow. Would you believe +it? his father makes boot-pegs for a living. The house of WIGGINS +cannot consort with the son of one who pegs along in life in this +manner! Never. Banish SMIRCH. Don't let SMIRCH even look at your +footprints on the beach.</p> + <p>Then there is Mr. BLUSTER. What is he? Who? Impertinent puppy! +Pretended to own a corner-house on the Twenty-fifth Avenue, and wanted +to know how <i>I</i> should like it? Like it? I should like to see him +in Sing-Sing! <i>He</i> own a house?—a brass foundry more like, and +that in his face! Keep a sharp eye on BLUSTER and his blarney. He's +what our neighbor GINGER calls a "beat," whatever that is—a squash, no +doubt.</p> + <p>Don't spare any pains, my dear, for a market. I was only +twenty-six when I married the late lamented Mr. WIGGINS. And a dear +good man he was—only I wish he had paid his bills at the corner +groceries. How he <i>did</i> love, my dear—that favorite demijohn in +the corner! And then when he came home at night with such a smile—he'd +been taking them all day. Don't fail to catch somebody. GUSHER, depend, +is the man. Money is everything. Never mind what he hasn't got just +under the hat. It is the pocket you must aim at. What is life and +society—what New York—without money? Say you love him to distraction. +Declare your existence is bound up in his. (Greenback binding.) Throw +yourself at his feet at the opportune moment, and victory must be +yours. Impale him at all hazards. Remember you are thirty-seven and +well on in life. Your own loving</p> + <p>MARIA ANASTASIA WIGGINS.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PUMP.</b></p> + <p><b>An Old Story with a Modern Application.</b></p> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Like rifts of sunshine, her +tresses</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Waved over her shoulders bare,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And she flitted as light o'er +the meadows,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">As an angel in the air.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"O maid of the country, rest +thee</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">This village pump beside,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And here thou shalt fill thy +pitcher,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Like REBECCA, the well beside!"</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But a voice from yonder window</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">Through my shuddering senses ran,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And these were its words: +"MARIA-R!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 2em;">MA-RIA-R! don't-mind-that-man!"</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>LUCIFERS LITTLE GAME WITH HIS ROYAL PUPPETS.</b></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN'S EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR.</b></p> + <p>Lively Times in the Editorial Sanctum.—The "Lait Gustise" +handled Roughly.</p> + <p>"Whooray! Whooray!" I exclaimed, rushin' into the kitchen +door, one mornin' last spring, and addressin' Mrs. GREEN. "I've been +invited to edit the <i>Skeensboro Fish Horn</i>. Fame, madam, awaits +your talented pardner."</p> + <p>"Talented Lunkhead, you mean," said this interestin' femail; +"you'd look sweet editin' a noose paper. So would H. WARD BEECHER +dancin' 'shoo-fly' along with DAN BRYANT. Don't make a fool of yourself +if you know anything, HIRAM, and respect your family."</p> + <p>The above conversation was the prelude to my first and last +experience in editin' a country paper.</p> + <p>The editor of the "Fish Horn" went on a pleasure trip, to +plant a rich ant who had died and left him some cash.</p> + <p>Durin' his absence I run his paper for him. Seatin' my form +on top of the nail keg, with shears and paste brush I prepared to show +this ere community how to run a noosepaper.</p> + <p>I writ the follerin' little squibs and put 'em in my first +issue.</p> + <p>"If a sertin lite complexion man wouldn't run his hands down +into sugar barrels so often, when visitin' grosery stores, it would be +money in the pocket of the Skeensboro merchants"—</p> + <p>"Query. Wonder how a farmer in this town, whose name we will +not rite, likes burnin' wood from his nabor's wood-pile?"—</p> + <p>"We would advise a sertin toothles old made to leave off +paintin' her cheeks, and stop slanderin' her nabors. If she does so, +she will be a more interestin' femail to have around."—</p> + <p>"Stop Thief.—If that Deekin, who trades at one of our grocery +stores, and helps himself to ten cents worth of tobacker while buyin' +one cents worth of pipes, will devide up his custom, it would be doing +the square thing by the man who has kept him in tobacker for several +years."</p> + <p>These articles was like the bustin' of a lot of bombshells in +this usually quiet boro.</p> + <p>The Deekins called a church meetin', and played a game of old +sledge, to see who would call and demand satisfaction for the insult. +As they all smoked, they couldn't tell who was hit, as their tobacker +bill was small all around.</p> + <p>Deekin PERKINS got beat when they come to "saw off."</p> + <p>Said this pious man:</p> + <p>"If old GREEN don't chaw his words, I'll bust his gizzard."</p> + <p>The farmers met at SIMMINSES store. After tryin' on the +garment about steelin' wood, it was hard to decide who the coat fit the +best, but each one made up his mind to pay off an old grudge and "pitch +into the Lait Gustise."</p> + <p>All the old mades met together in the village milliner shop, +where the Sore-eye-siss society held meetin's once a week, and their +false teeth trembled like a rattlesnake's tail, when they read my +artickle about old mades.</p> + <p>It was finally resolved by this anshient lot of caliker to +"stir up old GREEN."</p> + <p>Headed by SARY YOUMANS, the crossest old made in the U.S., and +all armed with broom-sticks and darnin'-needles, the door of my +editorial offis was busted open, and the whole caboodle of wimmen, +famishin' for my top hair, entered.</p> + <p>They foamed at the mouth like a pack of dissappinted +Orpheus—C—Kerrs, as they brandished their wepins over my bald head.</p> + <p>"Squire GREEN," sed a maskaline lookin' specimen of time worn +caliker, holdin' a copy of the <i>Fish Horn</i> in her bony fingers, +"did you rite that 'ere?"</p> + <p>"Wall," sed I, feelin' somewhat riled at the sassy crowd, +"s'posen I did or didn't, what on it?"</p> + <p>"We are goin' to visit the wrath of a down-trodden rase upon +your frontispiece, that's what we is, d'ye hear, old Pilgarlick?" said +the exasperated 16th Amendmenter, as she brought down her gingham +umbrella over my shoulders.</p> + <p>At this they all rushed for me. With paste-brush and shears I +kept them off, until somebody pushed me over a woman who had got +tripped up, when the army of infuriated Amazons piled onto my aged form.</p> + <p>This round dident last more'n two minutes, for as soon as they +got me down, they all stuck their confounded needles into me, and then +left me lookin' more like a porkupine than a human bein'.</p> + <p>I hadent more'n had time to pull out a few quarts of needles, +before in walks 2 big strappin' farmers.</p> + <p>"Old man, we've come for you," said one of 'em. "We'll larn +you to slander honest fokes."</p> + <p>At this he let fly his rite bute at my cote skirts.</p> + <p>I was home-sick, you can jest bet. Then t'other chap let me +have it.</p> + <p>"Down stairs with him," sed they both, and down I went, pooty +lively for an old man.</p> + <p>Just as I got to the bottom I lit on a man's head. It was +Deekin PERKINS comein' to "bust my gizzard."</p> + <p>"Hevings and airth," sed the Deekin as he tumbled over in the +entry way. I jumped behind a door, emejutly, and as the farmers +proceeded to polish off the Deekin, I was willin' to forgive both of +'em, as the Deekin groaned and yelled.</p> + <p>Yes siree! it was soothin' fun for me, to see them farmers +welt the Deekin.</p> + <p>Steelin' up stairs agin, I was brushin' off my clothes, when +in walks EBENEZER.</p> + <p>"Sawtel," said he, ceasin' me by the cote coller and shakin' +me, "Ile larn you to rite about steelin' sugar; take that—and that," at +which he let fly his bute, and down stairs I went agin—Eben urgin' me +on with his bute.—</p> + <p>Suffice to say, the whole village called on me that day, and I +was kicked down stairs 32 times by the watch.—Hosswhipt by 17 +wimmen—besides bein' stuck full of needles by a lot more.</p> + <p>I got so used to bein' kicked down stairs, that evry time a +man come in the door, I would place my back towards him and sing out:</p> + <p>"Kick away, my friend, I'm in the Editorial biziness +to-day—to-morrow I go hents—there's rather too much exsitement runnin' +a noosepaper, and I shall resine this evenin."</p> + <p>When I got home that nite, I looked like an angel carryin' a +palm-leaf fan in his hand, and clothed in purple and fine linen. My +body was purpler than a huckleberry pie, and my linen was torn into +pieces finer than a postage-stamp.</p> + <p>"Sarved you rite, you old fool," said Mrs. GREEN, as she stood +rubbin' camfire onto me. "In ritin' noosepaper articles, editors orter +name their man. A shoe which hain't bilt for anybody in particular, +will get onto evrybody in general's foot. When it does, the bilder had +better get ready for numerous bootin's, from that self-same shoe."</p> + <p>Between you and I, PUNCHINELLO, MARIAH is about 1/2 rite. +Too-rally ewers.</p> + <p>HIRAM: GREEN, ESQ.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY</b></p> + <p>Order, Cetacea.—The Right (and wrong) Whale.</p> + <p>The largest of the Cetacea is the Right whale, of which—so +persistently is it hunted down—there will soon be but few Left. Some +flippant jokist has remarked that there is no Wrong whale, but this is +all Oily Gammon. There is a right and a wrong to everything—not +excepting the leviathan of the deep.</p> + <p>By the courtesy of the Fisheries, the planting of a harpoon in +the vitals of a Right whale gives the planter a pre-emption claim to +it. If subsequently appropriated by another party it becomes, so far as +that party is concerned, the Wrong whale, and on Trying the case its +value may be recovered in a court of law,—with Whaling costs.</p> + <p>The sperm whale, or cachalot, (genus <i>physeter</i>) is a +rare visitor in the higher latitudes. Now and then a solitary specimen +is taken in the Northern Atlantic, but the best place to catch a lot is +on the Pacific coast. It may be mentioned incidentally, as a curious +meteorological coincidence, that Whales and Waterspouts are invariably +seen together, and hence it was, (perhaps,) that the long-necked cloud +pointed out by HAMLET to POLONIUS, reminded that old Grampus of a Whale.</p> + <p>The favorite food of the great marine mammal of the Pacific is +the Squid, and as this little creature swarms in the vicinity of +Hawaii, the cachalot instinctively goes there at certain seasons to +chew its Squid by way of a Sandwich.</p> + <p>Although the capture of the whale involves an immense amount +of Paying Out before anything can be realized, it has probably always +been a lucrative pursuit. The great fish seems, however, to have +yielded the greatest Prophet in the days of JONAH. No man since then +has enjoyed the same facilities for forming a true estimate of the +value of the monster, that were vouchsafed to that singular man. +Perhaps during his visit to Nineveh he entertained the Ninnies with a +learned lecture on the subject, but if so, it has not turned up to +reward the research of modern Archaeologists. LAYARD found the word +JONAH inscribed among the ruins of the old Assyrian city, but the name +of the ancient mariner was unaccompanied by any mention of the whale.</p> + <p>All the whale family, though apparently phlegmatic, are +somewhat given to Blowing up, and, when about to die, instead of taking +the matter coolly and philosophically, they are always terribly +Flurried. In fact, the whale, when in <i>articulo mortis</i>, makes a +more tremendous rumpus about its latter end than any other animal +either of the sea or land.</p> + <p>The Right whale, though many people make Light of it, is +unquestionably the heaviest of living creatures. Scales never contained +anything so ponderous. But while conceding to Leviathan the proud title +of Monarch of the Deep, it should be remarked that it has a rival on +the land, known as Old King Coal, that completely takes the Shine out +of it.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE WATERING PLACES.</b></p> + <p><b>Punchinello's Vacations.</b></p> + <p>At Newport, one cannot fail to perceive a certain atmosphere +of blue blood—but it must not be understood, from this expression, that +the air is filled with cerulean gore. Mr. P. merely wished to remark +that the society at that watering place is very aristocratic. He felt +the influence himself, although he staid there only a few days. His +aristocratic impulses all came out. Whether they staid out or not +remains to be seen.</p> + <p>But no matter. He found many of the best people in Newport, +and he felt congenial. When a fellow sits at his wine with men like +JOHN T. HOFFMAN, and AUGUST BELMONT, and PARAN STEVENS; and takes the +air with Mrs. J.F., Jr., behind her delightful four-in-hand, he is apt +to feel a little "uppish." If anyone doubts it let him try it. At the +Atlantic Hotel they gave Mr. P. the room which had been recently +vacated by Gov. PADELFORD. He was glad to hear this. He liked the room +a great deal better when he heard that the Governor wasn't there any +more.</p> + <p>The first walk that he took on the beach proved to him that +this was no place for illiterate snobs and shoddyites. Everybody talked +of high moral aims, or questions of deep import, (especially the high +tariff Congressmen,) and even the little girls who were sitting in the +shade, (with big white umbrellas over them to keep the freckles off,) +were puzzling their heads over charades and enigmas, instead of running +around and making little Frou-Frous of themselves. Mr. P. composed an +enigma for a group of these young students. Said he:</p> + <blockquote> "My first is a useless expense.<br> +My second is a useless expense.<br> +My third is a useless expense.<br> +My fourth is a useless expense.<br> +My fifth is a useless expense.<br> +My sixth is a useless expense,<br> +and so is my eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh, and all the rest<br> +of my parts, of which there are three hundred and fifty.<br> + <br> +My whole is a useless expense, and sits at Washington." </blockquote> + <p>The dear little girls were not long in guessing this ingenious +enigma and while they were rejoicing over their success, Mr. P. was +suddenly addressed by a man who had been standing behind him. Starting +little, he turned around and was thus addressed by his unknown listener.</p> + <img src="images/12a.jpg" align="left" alt=""> + <p>"Sir," said that individual, "do I understand you to mean that +the Congress of the United States is a useless expense?"</p> + <p>"Well, sir," said Mr. P., with a smile, "as it costs a great +deal and does very little, I cannot but think it is both useless and +expensive."</p> + <p>"Then sir," said the other, "you must think the whole +institution is a nuisance generally."</p> + <p>"You put it very strongly," said Mr. P., "but I fear that you +are about right."</p> + <p>"Sir!" cried the gentleman, his face beaming with an +indescribable expression. "Give me your hand! I am glad to know you. I +agree with you exactly. My name is WHITTEMORE."</p> + <p>But Mr. P. did not waste all his time in talking to strangers +and concocting enigmas. He had come to Newport with a purpose. It was +none of the ordinary purposes of watering place visitors. These he +could carry out elsewhere.</p> + <p>His object in coming here was grand, unusual and romantic. <i>He +came to be rescued by IDA LEWIS!</i></p> + <img src="images/12b.jpg" align="right" alt=""> + <p>It was not easy to devise a plan for this noble design, and it +was not until the morning of the second day of his visit, that Mr. P. +was ready for the adventure. Then he hired a boat, and set sail, alone, +o'er the boundless bosom of the Atlantic.</p> + <p>He had not sailed more than a few hours on said boundless +bosom, before he turned his prow back towards land,—towards the +far-famed Lime Rocks, on which the intrepid heroine dwells. He had +thought of being wrecked at night, but fearing that IDA might not be +able to find him in the dark, he gave up this idea. His present +intention was that Miss LEWIS should believe him to be a lonely mariner +from a far distance, tossed by the angry waves upon her rock-bound +coast But there was a certain difficulty in the way, which Mr. P. +feared would prove fatal to his hopes.</p> + <p>The sea was just as smooth as glass!</p> + <p>And the wind all died away!</p> + <p>There was not enough left to ruffle a squirrel's tail. How +absurd the situation! How could he ever be dashed helpless upon the +rocks under such circumstances?</p> + <p>The tide was setting in, and as he gradually drifted towards +the land, he saw the storied rocks, and even perceived Miss IDA, +sitting upon a shady prominence, crocheting a tidy.</p> + <p>What should he do to attract her attention? How put himself in +imminent peril? His anxiety for a time was dreadful, but he thought of +a plan. He got out his knife and whittled the mast half through.</p> + <p>"Now," thought he, "if my mast and rigging go by the board, +she will surely come and rescue me!"</p> + <p>But the mast and rigging were as obstinate as outside +speculators in Wall street,—they would not go by the board,—and Mr. P. +was obliged at last to break down the mast by main force. But the lady +heard not the awful crash, and little weened that a fellow-being was +out alone on the wild watery waste, in a shipwrecked bark! After +waiting for some time, that she might ween this terrible truth, Mr. P, +concluded that there was nothing to do but to spring a leak.</p> + <p>But he found this difficult. Kick as hard as he might, he +could not loosen a bottom board. And he had no auger! The Lime Rocks +were getting nearer and nearer. Would he drift safely ashore?</p> + <p>"Oh! how can I wreck myself, 'ere it be too late?" he cried, +in the agony of his heart. Wild with apprehensions of reaching the land +without danger, he sat down and madly whittled a hole in the bottom of +the boat, making it, as nearly as possible, such a one as a sword fish +would be likely to cut. When he got it done, the water bubbled through +it like an oil-well. In fact, Mr. P. was afraid that his vessel would +fill up before he was near enough for the maiden on the rocks to hear +his heart-rending cries for succor. He could see her plainly now. 'Twas +certainly she. He knew her by her photograph—("Twenty-five cents, sir. +The American female GRACE DARLING, sir. Likeness warranted, sir.")</p> + <p>But she turned not towards him. Confound it! Would she finish +that eternal tidy ere she glanced around?</p> + <p>The boat was almost full now. It would sink before she saw it! +That hole must be stopped until he had drifted near enough to give vent +to an agonizing cry for help.</p> + <p>Having nothing else convenient, Mr. P. clapped into the hole a +lot of manuscripts which he had brought with him for consideration. +(Correspondents who may experience apparent neglect will please take +notice. It is presumed, of course, that every one who writes anything +worth reading, will keep a copy of it.)</p> + <p>Now the rocks were comparatively near, and standing up to his +knees in water, Mr. P. gave the appropriate heart-rending cry for +succor. But in spite of the prevailing calm, he perceived that there +was a surf upon the rocks, and a noise of many waters. At the top of +his voice Mr. P. again shouted.</p> + <p>"Hello, IDA!"</p> + <p>But he soon found that he would have to hello longer as well +as hello IDA, and he did it.</p> + <p>At last she heard him.</p> + <p>Dropping her work-basket, she ran to the edge of the rock, and +making a trumpet of her hands, called out:</p> + <p>"Ahoy there! What's up?"</p> + <p>"Me!" answered Mr. P., "but I won't be up very long. Haste to +my assistance, oh maiden! ere I sink!"</p> + <p>Then she shouted again:</p> + <p>"I've got no boat! It's over to MCCURDY's, getting caulked!"</p> + <p>No boat!</p> + <p>Then indeed did Mr. P. turn pale, and his knees did tremble.</p> + <p>But IDA was not to be daunted. Bounding like a chamois o'er +the rocks, to her house, she quickly returned with a long coil of rope, +and instantly hurled it over the curling breakers with such a strong +arm and true aim, that one end of it struck Mr. P. in the face with a +crack like that of a giant's whip.</p> + <img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt=""> + <p>He grasped the rope, and that instant his boat sank like a +rock!</p> + <p>IDA hauled away like a steam-engine, and Mr. P.'s prow (his +nose, you know,) cut through the water like a knife, in a straight line +for the shore. In front of him he saw a great mass of sharp roots. He +shuddered, but over them he went. On, on, he went, nor turned aside for +jagged cleft or sharp-edged stone. A ship, loaded with queensware, had +been wrecked near shore, and through a vast mass of broken plates, and +cups, and saucers, Mr. P. went,—straight and swift as an arrow.</p> + <p>At last, wet, bleeding, ragged, scratched, and feint, he +reached the shore. Said IDA, as she supported him towards her dwelling: +"How did you ever come to be wrecked on such a day as this?"</p> + <p>Mr. P. hesitated. But with such a noble creature, the truth +would surely be the best. He told her all.</p> + <p>"Oh!" said he. "Dear girl, 'twas I, myself, who hewed down my +mast and scuttled my fair bark. And I did it, maiden fair! that thy +brave arm might rescue me from the watery deep, (you know what a good +thing it would be for both of us when it got in the papers,) and that +on thy hardy bosom I might be borne—"</p> + <p>"Born jackass!" interrupted IDA. "I believe that everybody who +comes to Newport make fools of themselves about me; but you are +certainly the Champion Fool of the Lime Rocks."</p> + <p>Mr. P. couldn't deny it.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Alphabetical.</b></p> + <p>From the insult passed upon Count BENDETTI, at Ems, it appears +that the Prussian government<br> +does not always mind its P's and Q's.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME.</b></p> + <p><b>A Love Tale.</b></p> + <p><b>I.</b></p> + <p>"I won't do it—there!"</p> + <p>Miss ANGELINA VAVASOUR sat her little fat body down in a +chair, slapped her little fat hands upon her little fat knees, swelled +her little fat person until she looked like a big gooseberry just ready +to burst, and then turned her little fat red face up to Mr. JOHN SMITH, +who was standing before her.</p> + <p>"I regret," said Mr. J.S., "that you should refuse to be Mrs. +JOHN SMITH." (ANGELINA shuddered.) "Might I ask you why?"</p> + <p>"No," said she. "Say, my age."</p> + <p>"But I don't object to that," said J.S.</p> + <p>"Well, I won't," said ANGELINA, "that's all!"</p> + <p>J.S. rubbed the fur on his hat the wrong way, pulled up his +shirt collar, looked mournfully at the idol of his heart, and departed.</p> + <p>Why did she refuse him? Listen!</p> + <p>About a thousand or two years ago—well, perhaps we had better +not go so far back—anyhow, Miss VAVASOUR had ancestors, and she was +proud of them; she had a name, and she gloried in it; she had $100,000, +and therefore insisted on keeping her aristocratic name; she had kept +it for forty years, and was willing to take a contract for the rest of +the job, though she did feel that she needed a man to slide down the +hill of time with her, and she was rather fond of SMITH.</p> + <p>Mr. JOHN SMITH wanted to marry her for herself alone, though +he had made inquiries and knew all about that $100,000.</p> + <p>Thus it was.</p> + <p><b>II.</b></p> + <p>"That's all!" Miss VAVASOUR had said.</p> + <p>But was it all? She thought it was matrimony; J.S. thought it +was matter o' money, and J.S. had a long head—an awfully long head.</p> + <p>Mr. JOHN SMITH sat before the grate. His auburn locks, his +Roman nose, his little grey eyes, his thin lips, his big ears, and each +particular hair of his red whiskers, expressed intense disgust.</p> + <p>He was day-dreaming, seeing visions in the fire. There he saw +Miss ANGELINA VAVASOUR. Her eyes were ten dollar gold pieces, her nose +a little pile of ducats, each cheek seemed swelled out by large +quantities of dollars, every tooth in her head was a double-eagle, and +her hair was a mass of ingots. He heaved a sigh and took a fresh chew.</p> + <p>The tobacco seemed to refresh him; he walked the floor for a +while, and then sat in his chair. Suddenly his countenance was +irradiated, like a ripening squash at early morn, and he sprang to his +feet, crying out, "Eureka! I'll do it."</p> + <p><b>III.</b></p> + <p>Eureka! How? What? Thus.</p> + <p>One month afterwards our hero presented himself at the house +of Miss VAVASOUR, carrying under his arm a large volume, bound in calf.</p> + <p>"Miss VAVASOUR," said he, "I come to repeat my proposition to +you. Will you reconsider?"</p> + <p>"Sir?" said she.</p> + <p>"Things have changed," said our hero.</p> + <p>"Changed!" echoed she. "What do you mean, Mr. JOHN SMITH?"</p> + <p>"Call me not by that vile cognomen," quoth he. "Look!" and he +opened the Session Laws at page 1004.</p> + <p>She read:</p> + <blockquote> + <p>"STATE OF NEW YORK, COUNTY OF BLANK.</p> + <p>I, JONATHAN JERUSALEM, Clerk of said County, do hereby +certify that the following change of name has been made by the County +Court of this County, viz.:</p> + <p>JOHN SMITH to AUGUSTUS VAVASOUR.</p> + <p>In testimony whereof, I have set my hand and the seal of the +County, June 3d, 1870.<br> +JONATHAN JERUSALEM, <i>Clerk</i>." [L.S.]</p> + </blockquote> + <p>She fell into his arms, and rested her palpitating head upon +his palpitating bosom. He pulled up his shirt-collar, trod on the cat, +and gently whispered, "$100,000."</p> + <p>MORAL.</p> + <p>A word to the wise. Go and do like-wise. LOT.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Gummy.</b></p> + <p>The following is from a Western paper:</p> + <p>"At Council Buffs, Iowa, a woman who don't chew gum is out of +style, and gets the cold shoulder."</p> + <p>Our comment upon the above is that there must be very little +gumshun among the women of Council Bluffs.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img src="images/14.jpg" alt=""> + <p><b>"SUCH IS LIFE."</b></p> + <p>Here you see Tom, Dick, and Harry, as they looked when +starting in the morning for a day's fishing.</p> + <p>And this is the same party, dejected, bedraggled, and +foot-sore wearily making their way homeward after their day's "sport."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>DOWN THE BAY.</b></p> + <p>Mr. Punchinello: It is just possible that you never went on a +fine fishing excursion down the Bay with a party of nice young men. If +you never did, don't. I confess it sounds well on paper. But it's a +Deceit, a Snare, and a Hollow Mockery. I will narrate.</p> + <p>Some days ago I was induced (the Deuce is in it if I ever am +again) to participate in a supposed festivity of this nature. In the +first place, we (the excursionists,) chartered a yacht, two Hands that +knew the Ropes—they looked as if they might have been acquainted with +the Rope's End—and a small Octoroon of the male persuasion as waiter. +As CHOWLES characteristically observed, (he is a Stock Broker, and was +one of the party,) "there is nothing like a feeling of Security." So we +engaged a Skipper who was perfectly familiar with the BARINGS of the +Banks, and Thoroughly Posted on all Sea 'Changes, at least so CHOWLES +expressed it, but then he is apt to be somewhat technical at times. +This accomplished mariner was reputed to have been "Round the Horn" +several times, which I am led to believe was perfectly true, as he +smelt strongly of spirits when he came on board. I was much discouraged +at the appearance of this Skipper, and had half a mind to give my +friends the Slip when I saw him on the Wharf.</p> + <p>Having manned our craft, we purchased a colossal refrigerator +in which to put our Bass and Weak Fish, laid in a stock of cold +provisions—among other things a Cold Shoulder—plenty of exhilarating +beverages, and, with Buoyant Spirits, (every Man of us,) and plenty of +ice on board, started on the slack of the Morning Tide. I regret to +state that by the time we were ready to start our Skipper was half way +"Over the Bay," being provided with a pocket pistol charged to the +muzzle. He and his two subordinates were pretty well "Shot in the neck" +by the time we reached Fort Lafoyette. The consequence of this was that +we no sooner came Abreast of the reef in that locality than we got +Afoul of it. For getting Afoul of the Rocks we had to Fork over twenty +dollars to the captain of a tug boat which came and Snaked us off with +a Coil of Rope when the tide rose.</p> + <p>During the time we remained stationary, the Bottle, I am sorry +to say, kept going Round. All the excursionists except myself got half +seas over, and when we resumed our voyage the steersman had fallen +asleep, so the vessel left a Wake behind her which was extremely +crooked.</p> + <p>We anchored that night outside Sandy Hook, and next morning +cast our lines overboard, and commenced fishing. Our success in that +Line was astounding, not to say embarrassing. We commenced to take Fish +on an unparalleled Scale. Dog Fish and Stingarees were hauled over the +side without intermission. The former is a kind of small shark. As they +will Swallow anything, we Took them In very fast Although extremely +voracious, they are so simple that if it were not for their size they +would fell an easy prey to the Sea Gull, which, in spite of its name, +is a very Wide Awake bird. Stingarees are fish of much more +Penetration—their sharp tails slashing everything that comes in their +way. These natural weapons, which have been furnished them by +Providence as a means of defence in their Extremity, cut through a +fellow's trousers like paper. The interesting creatures cut up so that +we kindly consigned them, together with the dog fish, to their native +element, having first benevolently knocked them on the head. Changing +our location for a change of luck, we captured a superb mess of sea +robins and toad fish. This satisfied us. So we pulled up anchor, not +Hankering for any more such sport, and left the Hook, very glad to Hook +It. We didn't have any of our toadies or robbins cooked, as those +"spoils of ocean," although interesting as marine curiosities, are not +considered good to eat, but each man had a Broil, as the Sun was very +hot, and as CHOWLES remarked, "brought out the Gravy." That night we +turned in, having been turned inside out all day. Next morning we +reached home. The skipper presented his Bill in the course of the day. +Although extremely exorbitant, we paid it without a murmur, being too +much exhausted from casting up accounts ourselves, to bring him to Book +for his misconduct. Such is the sad experience of</p> + <p>Yours Reverentially,</p> + <p>CHINCAPEN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Pillar of Salt (Lake.)</b></p> + <p>Lot's (of) Wife.</p> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><big><big><b>A. T. Stewart & Co.</b></big></big></p> + <p>Are offering novelties in</p> + <p>Crepe de Chine Sashes</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">WITH HEAVY FRINGES,</p> + <p>The Latest Paris Style. Also,</p> + <p>WIDE BLACK AND COLORED SASH RIBBONS</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Roman, Ecossais, Broche and Chine +Ribbons,</p> + <p>JUST RECEIVED.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + <td style="text-align: left;" rowspan="3"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span> <b>The +Awakening</b><span style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a +Litter of Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>A. T. Stewart & Co.</b></big></big></p> + <p>Are closing out their stock of</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">FRENCH, ENGLISH, AND DOMESTIC</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> <big><big><big>CARPETS,</big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Oil Cloths, Rugs, Mats, Cocoa and +Canton Mattings, &c., &c.</p> + <p>At a Great</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">REDUCTION IN PRICES,</p> + <p>Notwithstanding the unexpected extraordinary rise in gold.</p> + <p><i>Customers and Strangers are Respectfully</i></p> + <p>INVITED TO EXAMINE.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Extraordinay Bargains</big></p> + <p><small>IN</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">LADIES' PARIS AND<br> +DOMESTIC READY-MADE</p> + <p>Suits, Robes, Reception Dresses, &c.,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Some less than half their cost.</p> + <p>AND WE WILL DAILY OFFER NOVELTIES IN</p> + <p>Plain and Braided Victoria Lawn, Linen and Pique Traveling</p> + <p>SUITS.</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CHILDREN'S BRAIDED LINEN</span></p> + <p>AND</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Pique Garments,</p> + <p><small>SIZES FROM 2 YEARS TO 10 YEARS OLD.</small></p> + <p><big>PANIER BEDUOIN MANTLES, IN CHOICE COLORS,</big></p> + <p><small>From $3.50 to $7 each.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Richly Embroidered Cashmere and +Cloth Breakfast Jackets,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>PARIS MADE,</big></p> + <p><small>$8 each and upward.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>A. T. Steward & Co.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table width="800" align="center" border="1" cellpadding="2" + cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" width="66%"> + <center> <img src="images/16.jpg" alt=""> <b>A CHINAMAN'S +FUNERAL.</b> </center> + </td> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing Ithaca— +headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River St. +Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, the +White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern New +York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO. F. NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" + border="1" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. 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W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10015 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10015-h/images/01.jpg b/10015-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8568692 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/04a.jpg b/10015-h/images/04a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f8a464 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/04a.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/04b.jpg b/10015-h/images/04b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a9707b --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/04b.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/05.jpg b/10015-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..46c6807 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/06.jpg b/10015-h/images/06.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c920b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/06.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/07.jpg b/10015-h/images/07.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db5c667 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/07.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/08.jpg b/10015-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..123b9d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/09.jpg b/10015-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d35181d --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/12a.jpg b/10015-h/images/12a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eeb24bb --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/12a.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/12b.jpg b/10015-h/images/12b.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a54afc --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/12b.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/13.jpg b/10015-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d86cc0d --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/14.jpg b/10015-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a5aa3e --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/10015-h/images/16.jpg b/10015-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce6620e --- /dev/null +++ b/10015-h/images/16.jpg |
