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diff --git a/old/10013.txt b/old/10013.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c63e670 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10013.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2535 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10013] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 9 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, | + | on receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, New-York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. | + | THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | IS NOW READY. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | SUPPLIED BY THE | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY. | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper | + | than any other Pen In the market. Special attention is | + | called to the following grades, as being better suited for | + | business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | | + | We recommend for bank and office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | | + | _Sole Agents for United States._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + +Vol. 1. No. 9. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, MAY 28, 1870. + + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK. + + + + * * * * * + +_Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, Written expressly for +Punchinello, by ORPHEUS C. KERR, Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. +Drood." To be continued weekly during this year._ + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO | + | | + | J. NICKINSON, | + | | + | Room No. 4, | + | | + | 83 NASSAU STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Notice to Ladies. | + | | + | DIBBLEE, | + | | + | Of 854 Broadway, | + | | + | Has just received a large assortment of all the latest | + | styles of Chignons, Chatelaines, etc., | + | | + | FROM PARIS. | + | | + | Comprising the following beautiful varieties: | + | | + | La Coquette, La Plenitude, La Bouquet, La Sirene, | + | L'Imperatrice etc., | + | | + | At prices varying from $2 upward. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AGENTS WANTED | + | | + | In every town, county, and State, to canvass for HENRY WARD | + | BEECHER'S great weekly paper, with which is GIVEN AWAY that | + | superb and world-renowned work of art, "_Marshall's | + | Household Engraving of Washington_." The best paper and the | + | grandest engraving In America. Agents report "making $20 in | + | half a day." "Sales easier than books, and profits greater." | + | Ladies or gentlemen desiring immediate or largely | + | remunerative employment should apply at once. Book | + | canvassers, and all soliciting agents will find more money | + | in this than in anything else. It is something _entirely | + | new_, being an _unprecedented combination_ and very taking. | + | Send for circular and terms to | + | | + | J. B. FORD & CO., Publishers, | + | | + | 39 Park Row, New-York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PHELAN & COLLENDER, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF | + | | + | Standard American Billiard Tables. | + | | + | WAREROOMS AND OFFICE, | + | | + | 738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | DRAUGHTSMAN AND DESIGNER, | + | | + | 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | Room No. 11. | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | No. 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Thomas J. Rayner & Co., | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET, | + | | + | New-York, | + | | + | MANUFACTURERS OF THE | + | | + | _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ | + | | + | | + | All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to | + | any responsible house. Also importers of the | + | | + | _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ | + | | + | Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from | + | ten to twenty per cent cheaper. | + | | + | Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by | + | calling at | + | | + | 29 LIBERTY STREET. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HERCULES MUTUAL | + | | + | LIFE ASSURANCE | + | | + | SOCIETY | + | | + | OF THE UNITED STATES. | + | | + | No. 240 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. | + | | + | All Policies | + | Entitled to Participation in Profits. | + | Dividends Declared Annually. | + | | + | JAMES D. REYMERT, President. | + | | + | ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary. | + | | + | THOMAS H. WHITE. M.D., Medical Examiner. | + | | + | ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the | + | | + | NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty | + | without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be | + | printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 | + | by 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers | + | who have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, | + | or by subscription from this office. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. | + | | + | Terms: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, ten cents. | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for ......................... 5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for .. 7.00 | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | NEW-YORK | + | | + | P.O. Box, 2783. | + | | + | (_For terms to Clubs, see 16th page_.) | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Mercantile Library, | + | | + | Clinton Hall, Astor Place, | + | | + | NEW-YORK. | + | | + | This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the | + | number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About | + | 1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases | + | are made of all new and popular works. | + | | + |Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each| + | delivery. | + | | + | | + | TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: | + | | + | TO CLERKS, | + | | + | $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. | + | | + | TO OTHERS, $5 a year. | + | | + | SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR | + | SIX MONTHS. | + | | + | BRANCH OFFICES | + | | + | AT | + | | + | NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, | + | | + | AND AT | + | | + | Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | AMERICAN | + | | + | BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, | + | | + | AND | + | | + | SEWING-MACHINE CO., | + | | + | 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. | + | | + | This great combination machine is the last and greatest | + | Improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to | + | all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful | + | | + | BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES. | + | | + | in all fabrics. | + | | + | Machine, with finely finished | + | | + | OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER | + | | + | complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, | + | $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest | + | to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the | + | market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to | + | purchasers. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY SPEAR, PRINTER, | + | | + | LITHOGRAPHER, | + | | + | STATIONER. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses | + | can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street. | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE MERCANTILE LIBRARY. + +_Mr. Nottmuch_, (to Clerk in Library.) "I SEE BY YOUR CIRCULAR THAT +VISITORS OF DISTINCTION HAVE FREE ACCESS TO YOUR READING-ROOM, AND AS I +HAVE CONTRIBUTED A STORY TO THE 'WAYERLY MAGAZINE,'" etc. + +_Nottmuch_, (having obtained access to the reading-room.) "A VERY PRETTY +GIRL, THAT SUPERINTENDENT! HAS SHE PERUSED MY STORY, OR DO I DAZZLE HER +WITH MY LOOKS? HA! SHE RISES!----." + +_Lady Superintendent_. (blandly but firmly). "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT IT'S +AGAINST THE RULES FOR GENTLEMEN TO PLACE THEIR FEET ON CHAIRS."] + + * * * * * + +HIGH NOTES BY OUR MUSICAL CRITIC. + +PUNCHINELLO'S critic, always the friend of fair-play, resents the +insinuation that Mr. CARL ROSA has been a careless director of Opera. +The truth is that Mr. ROSA has not produced the smallest work without a +great deal of Preparation. + +FLOTOW'S _Shadow_ is to be brought out in London. It will not stand the +ghost of a chance unless well mounted. Music light and sketchy; +remarkable for a Chorus of Fishermen, well known as the "Shad oh! song." + +_Lohengrin_ has had a run of eight nights at Brussels, with average +receipts of little less than four thousand francs. This sort of tune is +the only one in the music of the Future which managers can understand. +Nevertheless Herr WAGNER is not out of spirits. Intent upon laying the +foundations of future wealth and fame, he can lay Low and Grin. Brussels +gold will serve him as well as _Rheingold_. + +The difference between BACH'S music find a music-box is yet an unsettled +conundrum. Such is likely to be the fate of the question raised with so +much temper over the Passion Music of that great man by the English +critics. Shame on all critics that condemn MOZART as a fogy and BACH as +a nuisance. Of course it is going back on BACH with a vengeance, but +what sympathy can exist between the old fuguemakers and the modern +high-flyers? + + * * * * * + +LATEST NEWS ITEMS. + +A SHEFFIELD paper has been prosecuted for asserting that the Prince of +Wales was a fast young man. The prosecution was withdrawn as soon as the +editor confessed that the Prince was loose. + +The Treasury Department is much distressed by the great genius for +smuggling displayed by the Chinese immigrants. They secrete opium in all +sorts of wonderful places, and so worry the custom-house officers +dreadfully. Several children have been arrested for bringing their +"poppies" over with them, and feeling in favor of the offenders ran so +high that a number of women were fined for having a share in laud'n'm. + +The bull fights in London have come to a mournful conclusion. The bulls +refused to take part, and the principal combatant instead of being all +Matted O'er with the blood of his taurine victims, has been sent to +prison for trying to Pick a Door lock. + +The Last of the Piegans is travelling East, on his way to Philadelphia, +to see "SHERIDAN'S Ride." He was away from home when PHILIP was there, +and is very anxious to know the young man when he sees him again. Hence +his laudable anxiety to study the picture. + +The Fenian Army. + +If the Fenians send an army to aid the Red river insurgents, it may +probably be the only "BIEL" work they will attempt this year. + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +WHAT I KNOW ABOUT PROTECTION. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Having skilfully illuminated Free Trade, I now proceed +to elucidate Protection. You see when we reach Protection, the boot is +on the other leg; _you_ make the conundrums then, and the other man +tries to guess them. There are many kinds of protection; there's the +kind which a State's prison-keeper gives to one of his birds; the kind +which a black-and-tan terrier, or a freshly-imported Chinaman, extends +to a good fat rat; the kind which a pious young man offers to a fair and +tender damsel, when he places his arm around her dainty waist, and +gently absorbs the dew of innocence from her rosy lips, (that idea, is, +I think, plagiarized from TENNYSON,) and the kind which a delicate +mother-in-law, blessed with nerves, pours out upon her son-in-law. But I +leave the discussion of such things to weaker birds, and soar myself to +a higher kind, _i.e._, that Protection which is diametrically opposed to +Free Trade. + +Protection, in this sense, is--well, let me follow my own admirable +example, and illustrate: You own a coal mine in Pennsylvania, which +contains tolerably poor coal, with which you mix a proper amount of +stone, and then sell the mixture for a high price. ICHABOD BLUE-NOSE +owns a coal mine in Nova Scotia, which furnishes good coal; he puts no +slate in it, and yet sells it at a low figure. You reflect that with +such opposition you will never manage to dispose of all your stone, so +you apply to Congress, and have a high tariff put on coal. That's +Protection. Metaphysically defined, Protection is the natural right, +inherent in every American citizen, to obtain money in large quantities +for goods of small qualities. + +Protection is not a natural production; it was invented about the time +taxes were, though it must be admitted that those very annoying articles +appeared very early in the history of the human race. I've no doubt that +ADAM levied taxes, though it's very doubtful if he could put as many +things in a tax levy as a New York politician can. Certainly there was a +very high tariff on apples in his day--so high that humanity has not yet +succeeded in paying off the duty on the one ADAM ate. ABRAHAM paid +taxes, and, as he was his own Senate and House, doubtless he passed a +tariff bill to suit himself, and had any quantity of Protection. I have +always regretted that NOAH didn't pass a bill protecting native +industry, because he could have enforced it, and had no wrangling about +it. + +There are one or two points about Protection which a wayfaring man, even +if people labor under the impression that he is a fool, can understand. +If you are JOHN SMITH and own a coal mine or an iron mill, you go to +Washington, see your Congressman, (by see I mean look at him, of +course,) donate large sums of money to certain poor, but honest men, who +adorn the lobby of the House, while they are waiting for generous +patrons like unto you, then go home and calmly await the result. Your +representative makes a speech, the exordium of which is Patriotism, the +peroration of which is Star-Spangled Banner, and the central plum of +which is your coal mine or iron mill. Your poor and honest friends wear +out several pairs of shoes, the tariff bill is passed, your mine or mill +is abundantly protected, and the country is saved. If, on the other +hand, you are JOHN BROWN, and raise cabbages and turnips on a farm, you +are allowed to pay high prices for SMITH'S coal or iron, but you expect +no Protection, and you've a sure thing of getting what you expect. + +Of course you don't imagine that I shall explain the details of this +profound subject. There are only two men in this country who think they +can do that, and each one of those says that the other is an idiot. As a +rule, figures can't lie; but look out for the exceptions when you run +across the subject of Protection. The very same figures have an ugly way +of proving both sides of a question. You run down a fact, and think +you've got it, but, before you know it, it has slipped, like the "little +joker," over to the other side. + +Personally, I am a Protectionist. Formerly I indulged in that monstrous +absurdity, Free Trade, but then I was an importer; now, being a +manufacturer, the scales have fallen from my eyes, and I am of the +straitest sect a Protectionist. You can't give me too much of it. Of +course I can't see why pig-iron should be protected, and pigs not. I +think every native production should be cared for, and that there should +be an excessively high tariff on foreign food. In that case poor REVERDY +JOHNSON would have been compelled to have passed a Lenten season at +Halifax, until he had eradicated from his system the rich English +dinners, before he could have entered this favored land. And +MOTLEY--bless me, he has eaten so much that I don't believe he could get +it out of his body if he fasted for the remainder of his natural life. + +I am informed, however, that Protection does us one injury. All the +_World_ says that there is a Parsee in our land, who is loaded with +rupees, but who is unable to spend them here because of our protective +system, and what all the _World_ says, you know, must be true. However, +there are 40,000,000 of us, and, if Congress will make all Americans buy +my patent door-knobs, the Parsee can go to--Hindostan. + +I don't think any thing more can be said about Protection. Any body who +doesn't understand it now had better go to Washington, and listen to the +debate on scrap-iron. That will sharpen his wits. Pig-iron, of course, +is interesting, but then that's a light and airy subject. Hear the +debate on scrap-iron, by all means. + +LOT. + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY VAMPIRE. + +No greater mistake was ever made than the supposition that PUNCHINELLO +is to be assailed with impunity by rival publications. It is well known +that he never courted controversies or quarrels, and his best friends +understand perfectly his love for a peaceable career. But when that +flippant sheet, known as _Rees's American Encyclopedia_, comes out with +a violent attack upon PUNCHINELLO'S past life and present course, the +assault is such as would provoke a retort from any honest man. The vile +insinuation that PUNCHINELLO is printed and published for the sole +purpose of making money out of its subscribers and the reading public in +general, is too mendacious for refutation; and when the reckless editor +of the periodical in question gravely announces that he can never read +PUNCHINELLO without laughing at its contents, it will be readily seen +that he goes so far as to make use of the truth to serve his wicked +purposes. But the descent which this shameless conductor of a journal, +confessedly the organ of our ignorant masses, has made into the private +life of PUNCHINELLO, is without precedent. He states that for the first +fourteen years of his life, PUNCHINELLO was, to all intents and +purposes, a person of little or no fortune, and that he depended +entirely upon his parents for support; that, until he had reached his +fifth birthday, he had absolutely no knowledge of English literature, +and was entirely ignorant of even the rudiments of the classics; that he +never paid one cent of income tax at that period of his life; and that +his belief in the fundamental principles of political economy was, at +that time, doubted by all who knew him best! Are such statements as +these to be submitted to by a man of honor? Never! PUNCHINELLO dares the +recreant editor of the dirty sheet to do his worst! Of that base man he +could tell much which would render him unfit for the association of any +person living, but he forbears. This much, however, he will say. It is +well known that the said calumniator did, at many periods of his life, +make use of the services of a _calceolarius_. Think of that, freemen of +America! He has often been known to submit to indignities, such as +nose-pulling from the hands of a common _tonsor_, and has been +frequently in such a condition that he could not appear in public +without the assistance of a _sartor_! Is it fitting that a high-toned +journalist should engage in petty recriminations with such a one? +"Revenge," says JAMES MURDOCK, "is the sweetest morsel cooked in its own +gravy, with _sauce moyennaise_." "Yes," said Dean SWIFT, "and let us +have some, and a little gin, say five fingers, and a trifle of milk." +Thus it is that we regard the editor of the _Encyclopedia_. + +CARLYLE remarks, "Many a vessel, (for if not a Vessel, then surely we, +or our progenitors, in counting ships, and the assumptive floatative +mechanisms of anterior and past ages; or as the Assyrians +[under-estimating the force of the correlative elements] declared a +bridging, or a going over [not of seas merely, but of those chaotic gaps +of the mind] are all wrong enough indeed,) has never got there." + +We also think of that editor in this way, and trust that enough has been +said to make it plain that PUNCHINELLO is not to be attacked with +impunity by every little journal of the day. + + * * * * * + +Encouraging for Travellers. + +The managers of a leading railroad announce that they take passengers +"to all principal points of the West without change." Such unusual +liberality, at a time when Change is so scarce with many people, +ought to insure for that railroad a great success. + + * * * * * + +Alike, but Different. + +Poetry sometimes has a Ring in it. So has a pig's nose. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Military dramas might, as a rule, be called with equal propriety +millinery dramas. In other words, their success is generally due to +their costumes. In this respect they afford a marked contrast to ballet +spectacles. The latter give us inanity without clothes; the former, +inanity in particularly gorgeous clothes. Which, again, leads to the +further remark that the difference between the two styles of inanity is, +after all, a clothes thing. This is a joke. + +The _Lancers_, now running at WALLACK'S, (a proceeding which implies no +want of bravery on the part of that distinguished corps,) is, however, +unlike most military dramas, inasmuch as it is a bright and brilliant +play. Moreover, it is acted by the best members of the Company in their +very best manner. Miss LOUISA MOORE, whose golden hair and silvery voice +become an actress of genuine mettle as well as gentle grace, is ESTELLE, +the heroine; Miss EMILY MESTAYER is the Commanding Sister of Col. EPEE +who is personated by Mr. FISHER; Mr. WYNDHAM is the Graceless Private, +who, having spent his last penny, enlists in the Lancers and spends vast +sums in beneficiary beer in company with his comrades; Mr. WILLIAMSON is +the Kindly Sergeant; Mr. RINGGOLD is the Genial Artist, whose velvet +coat suggests that he has recently managed a Starr _opera bouffe_ +enterprise; and Mr. STODDART is happy in the congenial character of a +Clumsy Trumpeter. If any speculative manager pretends that he has a +better hypothetical cast in his eye than the present cast of the +_Lancers_, let him be given to the surgical tormentors to be operated +upon for malignant _strabismus_. + +The curtain rises upon the Genial Artist searching for his friend, the +Graceless Private, in the empty jugs and glasses at the _Golden Sun +Inn_. To him enters the Clumsy Trumpeter. + +_Genial Artist_. "Where can he be? It--it must, and yet--" + +_Clumsy Trumpeter (without Stoddart's usual oath.)_ "He's got 'em. +Hallo! friend. Do you want any thing?" + +_Genial Artist_. "Yes--no--that is--or rather it isn't--" (_Exit, while +Trumpeter makes faces at the gallery_.) + +_Enter_ ESTELLE _and her maid, disguised as peasants, and pursued by a +troop of lancers_. + +_All the Lancers_. "Let _me_ kiss 'em." + +_Both the Girls_. "Scr-r-r-r-e-e-e-ch." + +(_Enter Graceless Private_.) + +_Graceless Private_. "I will protect you. Get out, all you fellows." +(_They get out_.) + +A flirtation between the Private and ESTELLE is at once begun, from +which it appears that she came to catch a glimpse of the Colonel, who +wants to marry her. She and the Private sit on the table, and fall +instantaneously in love. As soon as they are well in, the Lancers +return, and ESTELLE flies. Graceless Private, having no money, pays for +the co-inebriation of the entire corps, and while engaged in this +praiseworthy occupation is found by the Genial Artist, who makes him +promise to attend a ball at a neighboring _chateau_. Enter Kindly +Sergeant, who arrests the Graceless Private, and puts him in the +guard-house. Curtain falls amid faces from STODDART (without his usual +oath) and applause from the audience. + +_Veteran Play-goer_. "Well, I've seen STODDART in every thing he has +played this year, and this is the first time he has failed to swear on +every ineligible occasion." + +_Young Lady who frequents Wallack's_. "Who is that Clumsy Trumpeter? I +don't know him." + +_Accompanying Young Man_. "Why, don't you know STODDART?" + +_Young Lady_. "Nonsense; that isn't STODDART. Why, he hasn't sworn +once." + +_Fast Young Man_. "STODDART isn't himself to-night. He hasn't the spirit +to swear. Did you hear the good thing he said Monday night about Miss +MOORE? It was devilish good. Says he--" (_Repeats an indelicate joke_.) + +_Irate Old Gentleman who overhears the story_. "If he said that, sir, he +ought to have been hissed off the stage, sir; and turned out of the +company, sir! It was an insult to an estimable lady, and an outrage on +the audience, sir!" + +_The second act takes place in the salon of ESTELLE. The Colonel and his +Commanding Sister lay siege to_ ESTELLE'S _heart. Graceless Private, in +evening dress, countermines the Colonel's forces and routs them, wading +deeper than before in the exhilarating surf of love, hand in hand with_ +ESTELLE. (_This metaphor has been leased for a term of years to a +distinguished hydropathic poet.) Clumsy Trumpeter drops books and things +all over the room, and recognises the Graceless Private. Finally the +Colonel and the latter quarrel, and go out in the back yard to fight, +where the Private is wounded in the arm. The Colonel returns and +announces the result to_ ESTELLE, _who swoons, or at all events, makes +an admirable feint of so doing. Curtain._ + +_Fast Young Man_. "STODDART didn't try his good joke to-night. He'll say +something yet, though, before the play is over." + +_Every body Else_. "Did you ever see better acting than WYNDHAM'S and +Miss MOORE'S? And how capitally FISHER and Miss MESTAYER are playing? +STODDART positively hasn't sworn yet. What can be the matter with him?" + +_Inquiring Maiden, to her travelled lover_. "Are the uniforms just like +those of the real French Lancers?" + +_Travelled Lover_. "Very nearly. There is one button too many on the +front of the Colonel's coat. I know the regiment well. It's the crack +artillery regiment in the French service." + +_Act III. shows us the Graceless Private brought before the Colonel for +examination. He feigns drunkenness, but the Colonel suspects him of +having been his adversary at the ball_. ESTELLE _visits the Colonel in +order to save her Private lover. He is proved to have broken his arrest, +and is sentenced to death_. ESTELLE _offers to marry the Colonel if he +will pardon the Private. The latter's discharge arrives in the nick of +time, and as he is thus beyond the reach of the Colonel's vengeance, he +graciously pardons him, and joins his hand to that of_ ESTELLE. _He +remarks--or ought to--"Bless you, my children." Every body suddenly +finds out that every body else is noble and generous. And so the curtain +falls upon a happy garrison, including a Trumpeter who has not sworn a +single oath_. + +_One Half of the Audience_. "How do you like it? I like it so much." + +_The Other Half_. "I like it immensely." + +_Chorus from Every body_. "Why didn't STODDART swear?" + +_Answering Echo from the Tipperary Hills_. "Because WALLACK has told him +that the public won't stand it any longer." + +And the public is right. Mr. STODDART is an exceptionally able actor, +but of late he has grown intolerably coarse and vulgar while on the +stage. His profanity has disgraced himself and the theatre, and his +gratuitous insult to an estimable lady, who had the misfortune to appear +in the same scene with him on Monday night, should have secured his +instant dismissal from the company, and his perpetual banishment to +_Tammany_ or _Tony Pastor's_. Let him turn over a new leaf at once. He +does not swear in the present play, and the fact is creditable to him. +He is a gentleman in private life; let him be a gentleman on the stage. +By so doing he will soon be recognized as one of the best comedians of +the day. And PUNCHINELLO will be the first to praise him when he lays +aside the unnecessary vulgarity with which he has latterly bid for the +applause of the gallery. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +THE RELIGION OF TEMPERANCE. + + Says Poet to Parson--To save men from drinking, + Not many religions are good to my thinking; + To be sure a good Baptist a man of true grace is, + But a Hard Shell, my brother's the hardest of cases. + Your Shouter's too noisy for temperance talking, + Your Come-outer too harsh for right temperate walking. + A Quaker's not steady enough on his beam-ends, + And a Shaker is bad for _delirium tremens_. + But of all the hard drinkers religion has warmed, + To my mind the most hopeful's the _German Reformed_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PET DOGS OF NEW-YORK PRESENT THEIR COMPLIMENTS, WITH +THE ABOVE CUT, TO MR. BERGH, AND REQUEST THAT HE WILL CUR-TAIL THE +SPORTS OF THOUGHTLESS CHILDREN WHO INSIST UPON PLAYING AT "HORSE" WITH +THEM.] + + * * * * * + +Logical. + +One PULLMAN, who preaches the "milk of the word," (not without gin, +PUNCHINELLO supposes,) declares that the BIBLE is full of lies. Well, +according to his own view of it, PULLMAN must be full of Scripture. + + * * * * * + +The Real Fact. + +Mr. COLFAX, says the Cincinnati Gazette, intends to call his new-born +son CASABLANCA, the Vice-President having once "stood on a burning +deck," etc. PUNCHINELLO discovers a shrewder reason. The plain English +for Casablanca is White-House. + + * * * * * + +Concealed Weapons. + +Detroit drunkards, says an exchange, use a stocking with a stone in it +to avoid arrest--just as if a hat "with a brick in it" were not enough! + + * * * * * + +Written With a Steal Pen. + +So great is the habit among editors of cribbing from each other, that if +one were to write an article about an egg another would immediately +Poach it. + + * * * * * + +The Battle of Hastings. + +The fight between the _Commercial Advertiser_ and THEODORE TILTON. + + * * * * * + +Triumphs of the Chisel. + +The Wall street "busts." Good judges pronounce them Per Phidias. + + * * * * * + +What an Asthmatic Artist can not Draw. + +A long breath. + + * * * * * + +"The American Working-woman's Union" Most Sought After. + +MARRIAGE. + + * * * * * + +The Latest Edition of "Shoo! Fly." + +"MOSQUITO" at Niblo's. + + * * * * * + +THE CONGRESSMAN TO HIS CRITICS. + + Well, talk, if you like; I suppose it's your way; + Each citizen, surely, should say all his say; + _I_ did just so, when I'd nothing to do; + And if _I_ felt like doing so, why shouldn't _you_! + + It's republican, pleasant, and safe, to find fault; + If a man can't do _that_, why he's not worth his salt. + And never, since critics (and fleas) learned their powers, + Was a country more blest with such vermin than ours. + + You've learned much about your old friend, it is said; + The farther I'm from you, the plainer I'm read! + When "one of the people" comes here to make laws, + The "people" disown him. Now, what is the cause? + + You say I'm not "dignified." Well, friends--are you? + My language, my manners, are rough, it is true; + My tones, and my jokes, (since you say it,) are coarse; + But very few streams rise above their own source. + + If we're all "politicians," and they are such trash + As you have declared them, why were you so rash + As to give us your votes? What! will nobody "run" + But a "mere politician?" Why, then we're undone! + + Come, come--this is nonsense! Be fair, my good sirs! + Let us look at this question. Suppose it occurs + That a long, prosy speech is about to be made; + If you say, "Stay and hear it," must you be obeyed? + + But ours is a "serious business." True! + And so are some other things serious, too! + Such as courtships, and dinners, and headaches, and blues, + And sight-seeing friends, whom 'tis death[1] to refuse! + + Now, many of us (though it should not be said!) + Are really stupid, and haven't much head. + We don't take that view of our duty that _you_ do; + We're often so bothered we don't know what _to_ do! + + Our votes look decided--as though we did know; + But that's because BUTLER or SCHENCK voted so. + Such points may come up, in the course of the day, + As would puzzle the Seraphim some, I should say! + + Besides, gentle friends! did you ever think so? + Perhaps we are paying you all that we owe. + If you want better service, why send better men, + And be better yourselves. It will all be right, then. + +[Footnote 1: Political death, of course.] + + * * * * * + +Come on, Ladies! + +An Anti-mustache movement has begun in Boston. PUNCHINELLO to explain +that it begins altogether with the ladies, and is, of course, Right +Against the mustaches. + + * * * * * + +For Lunatics Only. + +The latest whim of the Lunatics in one of the Indiana Asylums is the +notion that they can design and build opera-houses. Well, we have lots +of crazy architecture, and more than one gentleman has acknowledged +himself insane for investing in opera-houses. But PUNCHINELLO thinks +that the tastes of the insane would be better encouraged if directed to +the building of Courts of Justice. Every Court-house thus constructed, +would be a monument to the Plea of Insanity. + + * * * * * + +GLIMPSES OF FORTUNE. + +You may not think so, my dear PUNCHINELLO, but it is true. I have had +them. I am not one of your bloated aristocrats--just at the present +moment--but I know as well as any one what WHITTIER meant when he said +"it might have been." As an instance of this, I will just state that it +has not been a very long time since, in looking over the columns of one +of our principal dailies, I saw something among the personals which +seemed to touch my interests in, a very decided way. I often look over +the "Personals," for I know well the connection between fortune and the +Press. I have not forgotten the success of A.T. STEWART and many other +millionaires, and their dependence on the newspapers--but never until +that day had I seen any thing in that mystic column which could possibly +be construed to apply to inc. As for the rest of the paper, I knew that +there was nothing to interest me there. You see I was after Fortune. The +advertisement to which I refer road as follows: + +"If the gentleman in a dark hat and gray pantaloons, who, in a Broadway +stage, one day last week, passed up the fare for a lady with blue eyes +and high-heeled boots, will call at 831 Dash street, second floor, he +will hear of something to his advantage. A.R.R." + +Now, it so happened, that during the whole of the preceding week I had +worn a black hat and gray pantaloons; indeed, I had them on yet, and, to +tell the truth, I had no others. Therefore, this part of the case was +all clear enough. There was no reason why the gentleman inquired for +should not be me. I had certainly ridden in a stage in the last week, +and I remember very well that I passed up the fare for lady with blue +eyes. I performed a similar service for several ladies; but one of them, +I am sure, had blue eyes. As to the high-heeled boots I suppose she wore +them, but how was I to know that? At all events it would be a piece of +the most culpable indifference to my welfare to neglect this chance. +Fortune! and through a lady, too! To think of it! The promised advantage +might be great or small, but whatever it was, it would be most welcome. +And the honor, too! A piece of positive advantage for an act of manly +gallantry! + +I immediately put on that black hat, and with those identical gray +trowsers upon my legs, I strode down to 321 Dash street, and mounted +instantly to the second floor. As there was but one entrance door from +the stair-way on this floor, I felt certain that I had found the right +place. + +The business of Mr. A.R.R. was evidently a very profitable one, for his +room was quite full of people. I inquired of a boy for the author of the +notice I held in my hand, (I had carefully cut it from the paper,) and +was informed that this was the right place, and that the gentleman would +see me in a few moments. I took a seat and regarded the persons who were +standing and sitting about the room. They were all men, and in a few +minutes I discovered, to my great surprise, that they all wore black +hats and gray pantaloons! + +I must admit, that when I made this discovery, I experienced a very +peculiar sensation, as if some one had suddenly dropped a little +ice-water down my back. Was it possible that all these men were here in +answer to that advertisement, which I considered addressed to me alone? +There were all sorts of them; old gentlemen with heads grayer than their +pants; young fellows who looked like clerks; and middle-aged men, who +seemed like very respectable heads of families. Was it possible that +each one of those individuals had, in the last week, passed up the fare +of a blue-eyed lady with high-heeled boots? And did each one of them +expect to enjoy that advantage for which I came here? One thing was +certain; they did not announce to each other their business, but looked +at their watches and tapped their boots, and knitted their brows as if +each one of them had come on very particular business, which had nothing +to do with the affairs of the general crowd. But all those gray +trowsers! There was no concealing them. + +A door, leading into an adjoining room, now opened quickly, and Mr. +A.R.R. made his appearance. No one doubted that he was the man, for he +bowed politely, and seemed to expect the company. He was a tall, thin, +and well-dressed man, and held in his hand a small package. Instantly +upon his appearance every man in the room stuck his thumb and forefinger +into his vest pocket, and pulling out a little piece of printed paper, +said, "Sir, I called--" A.R.R. waved his hand. + +"Gentlemen," said he, "I know why you called, and you will allow me to +remark--" + +"But look here," said a tall man with a blue cravat. "I think that I am +the person you want to see, and as I am in a hurry, I would like to see +you for a few minutes in private." + +Dozens of angry eyes were now directed upon this presumptuous +individual, and dozens of angry voices were about to break forth when +the benign A.R.R. again waved his hand. + +"Gentlemen," said he, "I wish to see you all. No one more than another. +I have reason to believe that every one of you is the person to whom +that advertisement referred. I see you are all gentlemen, and you would +not have made your appearance here had you not fulfilled the conditions +mentioned in the paper." + +Here was a smothered hum, which seemed to precede a general outbreak, +but A.R.R., blandly smiling, continued: + +"Gentlemen, do not become impatient. What I have to say is to the +advantage of every one of you. You all move in good society--I can see +that--and you therefore are well aware of some of the penalties of +social pleasures and high living. Consequently, gentlemen," and now he +spoke very fast, as if fearful of interruption, "you must have, all of +you, experienced some of the evils of indigestion, and it is to relieve +these that I have prepared my Binocular Barberry Bitters--" + +A roar of rage here broke forth from every man of us, and a rush was +made towards the smiling impostor, but he quickly slipped through the +door behind him, and locked it in our faces. And then, before we could +rush from the room where we had been so shamefully duped, the head of +A.R.R. appeared at a little window in the partition-wall, and he called +out: + +"Gentlemen, this mixture is, as my initials declare, a Radical Relief, +and retails at one dollar per bottle, I hope you will take some of my +circulars home with you," and he threw among the crowd the package of +circulars which he had held in his hand. + +This, O friend PUNCHINELLO, was only one of my Glimpses of Fortune. I +may yet see the jade more nearly. IMPECUNE. + + * * * * * + +Query. + +Under the conditions of the Fifteenth Amendment, should things continue +to be put down in Black and White? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +"COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS." + +_Fond Mother._ "YES, HE'S A PRETTY GOOD BOY, BUT HE DON'T +TAKE TO HIS LETTERS." + +_Squire._ "WELL, HE OUGHTER, FOR HIS MOUTH IS LIKE THE +SLIT OF A POST-OFFICE BOX."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TABLEAU OF THE DAY. + +GENERAL DANA, WHO HAS BROUGHT THE FIRE OF THE "SUN" TO BEAR UPON EVERY +BODY, NOW BEGINS TO REALIZE THE FORCE OF THE PROVERB--"FOLKS WHO LIVE IN +GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES."] + + * * * * * + +THE INDIAN QUESTION. + +[AS VIEWED IN THE WEST.] + + This is _our_ business, understand! + You Eastern folks, with tempers bland + All get your views at second-hand. + + We are the ones that take the brunt + Of every lively Indian-hunt, + So don't be angry if we're blunt. + + If any body's scalped it's _us!_ + So we've a well-earned right to cuss, + And you've _no_ right to make a fuss. + + Talk as you please about their "rights;" + That don't include their coming nights, + And cutting out our lungs and lights. + + You get your wife and children shot! + (Here it might happen, like us not,) + You'll make your mind up on the spot. + + "Humanity" 's played out for _you!_ + You've got some active work to do; + No doubt you'll see it well put through. + + Until you've settled that small bill, + (As honorable debtors will,) + We fancy you will not keep still. + + You will admit the tender plea + Of "broken faith;" but when you see + Your Red Skin, you won't let him be! + + Just so with us. We don't go back + Of _our_ affair! We were not slack + In justice to this Devil's pack! + + They settle with the wrong concern; + And as they never, _never'll_ learn, + We shoot 'em, and don't care a _dern!_ + + * * * * * +[Illustration: EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY IN NEW-YORK.] + +EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY. + +Observe PUNCHINELLO'S Cartoon, in which you shall behold the editorial +laundresses of New-York city having a washy time of it all around. There +is a, shriek of objurgation in the air, and a flutter of soiled linen on +the breeze. Granny MARBLE, to the extreme left of the picture, clenches +her fists over the pungent suds, and looks fight at Granny JONES, of the +_Times_. The beaming phiz of Granny GREELEY looms up between the two, +like the sun in a fog. But the real _Sun_ in a fog is to be seen to the +extreme right. There you behold Granny DANA, shaking her "brawny bunch +of fives" in the face of Granny YOUNG, whose manner of wringing out the +linen, you will observe, is up to the highest _Standard_ of that branch +of art. Further away, Granny TILTON flutters her linen with spiteful +flourish, nettled by the vituperation of Granny HASTINGS, who hangs up +her _Commercial_ clothes on the line. The _tableau_ is an instructive +one; and it is to be hoped that all the U-Lye soaps used by the +washerwomen is used up by this time, and that they will replace it with +some having a sweeter perfume. + + * * * * * + +BOOK NOTICES. + +MRS. JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. New-York: Charles Scribner & Company. + +A very cleverly-written narrative, in smooth verse, detailing the +experience of a bride who took to flirting early in her matrimonial +career, but was saved from coming to grief by the decisive action of a +stern husband. The book contains a capital lesson for the Girl of the +Period, whose follies are satirized in it with a sharp pen. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE. + +The attention of the Public is requested to PUNCHINELLO No. 10, which +will be issued upon Thursday, May 26th. It will be a very brilliant +number, illustrated with flights of fancy by ten comic artists. + +In PUNCHINELLO No. 11 will be commenced a new burlesque serial, "The +Mystery of Mister E. Drood," written expressly for this paper by the +celebrated humorist, ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: MAKING A HASH OF IT. _Customer_. "I THOUGHT YOU HAD +A GOOD PLACE WITH MR. ASHE; WHY ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?" + +_Cockney Waiter_. "FACT IS, SIR, HASHE IS IN THE 'ABIT OF MAKING USE OF +HODIOUS LANGUAGE TO HIS WAITERS, SIR, AND NO MAN OF HEDUCATION COULD +STAND _THAT_, SIR, YOU KNOW, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +JUMBLES. + +MR. PUNCHINELLO, do you know when a woman is perfection itself? "No." I +do. It is when she is from sixteen to nineteen. Of course you take her +judgment. At sixteen she is the coming flower that has come--the first +Rose of Summer, and about the best that may be looked for. Her ideas may +not be solid, but they are expansive. Her mind may not make a very great +show, but her hair (real and otherwise) is sure to. She is very deep in +love--with herself. The supremest divinity is seen when she looks in the +mirror. Call her ARABELLA if you like. ARABELLA is mistress of that +portion of the dictionary which includes the common-place compliments of +society. In her mouth they have a common place, indeed. Some people call +such utterances "stuff," "nonsense," "puerilities," but nobody is so +prejudiced and unreliable as the above-named some people. They +complacently think they know a thing or two, but that is all it amounts +to. ARABELLA hasn't any doubt about her being perfection. Unfortunately +there is a question about some matters in this world in politics, +religion, morality and other kindred things, but on the doctrine of +perfection, as applied to her individual self, ARABELLA is clear and +settled. Did any body, she says _sotto voce_, to herself, ever put +vision on such an ensemble countenance? Were eyes ever more sparkling? +Were ever dimples dimpler? Had ever peach such artistic hue, and teeth +such pearly pearliness, and lips such positive sweetness, and brow such +loveliness? We suppose not. ARABELLA is eighteen, is of elastic notions, +sees life as a romance, believes the ground on which she walks ought to +be grateful for the honor, and wonders if every body who goes out don't +go straightway to talking rapturously about her. ARABELLA is a type--the +type of a class of perfectionists. ARABELLA is neither a worm nor a +butterfly, but the bridge between. For all this ARABELLA believes +herself to be the best of butterflies, with the capacity to fly in the +highest manner. At twenty-five her wings will be clipped, her colors +will modify, her notions renovate, and her eyes open. She will perceive +that the doctrine of perfection is mythical, and angels upon earth only +so in name. + +Going to church is a good thing. All good people go, and from good +motives, of course. Mrs. BROWN, says a wicked gossip, goes to show a +bonnet; Mrs. JONES her shawl; Mrs. SMITH her silk; Mrs. JENKINS her +gloves and fan. No sane person believes that these ladies go for any +such purpose. The case isn't presumable. They are nice, high-toned +people, sit in $800 pews, adore Rev. Dr. CANTWELL, and give very freely +(of their husband's money) to the heathen in the uttermost corners of +the earth. They prefer, good souls, to give to the heathen under the +equator to those under their noses. It is _not_ true that ladies go to +church for the display of dress. It _is_ true Mrs. JONES does not wish +to be outdone by Mrs. JENKINS, and isn't if STEWART can help it, but she +is a good pious woman of simple tastes, though Mr. J. thinks she tastes +rather often. Going to church is a good thing for example's sake. It is +so nice and strengthening to reflect that, as the minister preaches +piety, and you practice poetry, (with a pencil in the prayer-book,) you +set an example to the rising generation. One can never do too much for +the rising generation, though it often rises too frequently and too +high. Besides, it encourages the minister. Only think of talking to +emptiness instead of fulness--to people instead of plush. How can the +dear Rev. SPLURGE SPLUTTER have the heart or tongue to drop his pearls +of eloquence to the swine of empty pews? And how dreadful for the gifted +soprano, Miss SCREECH, to tune her melodious voice to earless aisles! +And then it is so easy to "set" examples by sitting in soft pews, doing +to church should be a matter of conscience. Every body not a dolt admits +conscience to be a good thing, though a thing every body cannot boast of +possessing. I like people of conscience--that is, I should like them if +I knew any. It is such a nice thing to talk about--and how much nicer +to have. Mrs. TODD often wishes "to conscience" she could reach mine. I +am sorry to say that at times Mrs. T. is an irreverent woman. She +doesn't perceive that some where under that hairless, proud dome of mine +there must be a conscience--I may proudly say, an imposing conscience. I +said to Mrs. T. one day, "I _have_ an imposing conscience," and she +really thought so--adding the cruel expression that she didn't know of +any thing about me but _was_ imposing, and that she first became aware +of the sad fact when she married me. + +TIMOTHY TODD. + + * * * * * + +THE REIGN OF COUPS. + +The situation of France is always striking. This is because its people +are always being struck with a succession of Napoleonic ideas. They +labor, for example, under a constant _coup d'etat_. Their Press is the +victim of a regular _coup de main_; their Strikes are daily evidences of +_coups de mains_; their Legislature suffers continually from _coup de +theatre_; and their Emperor is perpetually threatened with a _coup de +grace_. The energies of Frenchmen are not imprisoned; no, they are only +_couped_. + + * * * * * + +ELEVATED STATESMANSHIP--INSOBRIETY THE BEST POLICY. + +Sir JOHN MACDONALD, the Premier of Canada, though an eccentric leader, +is a happy illustration of the most elevated statecraft. "He has been +drunk," says the Toronto _Globe_, "for several days, and incapacitated +for public affairs." Considering what Canadian affairs are (including +Sir JOHN,) this does not follow. Evidently it is not his policy to keep +sober. But Sir JOHN is often drunk, says the _Globe_; he was tight +before Prince ARTHUR, and he rushes to the bottle whenever the Fenians +give alarm. Now this strikes us as very good policy. It helps us to see +how convenient it was for Sir JOHN to magnify a few O'BRIENS and +O'SHAUGHNESSYS into an army with green banners, and how opportunely the +Dominion became intoxicated with its fears. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A POWERFUL PROTECTOR. + +_Mother_. "WHY, ROSIE, HOW LATE YOU ARE TO-DAY!" + +_Rosie_. "YES, MA, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. THERE WAS A POOR LITTLE GIRL +AT SCHOOL WHO HAD NO ONE TO TAKE CARE OF HER, AND SO I HAD TO SEE HER +HOME."] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Order-Reptilia. + +THE VIPER. + +The supposition that this snake prefers a file to any other species of +nourishment is a vulgar error, and belongs to the same mendacious +category as the stories that ostriches are fond of ten-penny nails and +soldiers of hard tack. It is true that old files are sometimes bitten by +vipers in localities where these serpents abound, but in the lizard and +hop-toad they usually find metal more attractive. The viper, when in a +state of repose, is of an olive-brown color; but, if trodden upon, turns +rusty. He is about twenty-four inches in length, as you may see by +applying a two-foot rule to him, but it is a good rule to keep two feet +away from him. As a bosom friend he is not to be trusted--a fact in +natural history that was discovered many years ago by a green +countryman, who got into a bad box by placing a viper on his chest. It +is a peculiarity of this serpent, that when held suspended by his +posterior extremity he can not raise his head to a level with his tail. +In consequence of this provision in the economy of nature, he finds it +as impossible to make both ends meet as if he were a human prodigal. In +this respect he presents a marked contrast to the hoop-snake, which has +no more back-bone than a timid politician, and can put its tail in its +mouth, and roll in any direction with the utmost facility. The viper was +at one time supposed to have an envenomed tongue, and although this +error has been exploded, it is as well to avoid his jaw if possible, as, +when irritated, he is very snappish. + +This snake, according to some naturalists, is oviparous, and according +to others viviparous; but all authorities agree that it is viperous in +the extreme. Serpents are generated in various ways; the horse-runner, +for instance, being derived from the fibres of horses' manes and tails, +which probably receive the breath of life in a mare's nest. That such is +the origin of the horse-runner the reader can verify for himself, by +putting a few horse hairs in a basin of water and watching them till +they begin to squirm. Possibly the shorter fibres from the _caput_ of an +African might in like manner produce vipers. The experiment is worth +trying. There are several varieties of the species in this country; the +most malignant and treacherous being the Political Vipers--snakes in +the grass--bred from the spawn of the Original Cockatrices, and a curse +to the land we live in. + + * * * * * + +WOMAN IN THE CENSUS. + +A fresh blow has been struck at Woman's Rights! Gallant ladies, eager to +cope with figures, have been compelled to yield to numbers--inferior +numbers at that! Man, the minority, remains the popular tyrant of +population. Women, the majority, don't count, can't count for any +thing--even for women--at least in the sense of being Census-takers; for +General WALKER has decided that Assistant Marshals LAVINIA PURLEAR and +SARAH BURGOYNE (hear it, shades of NEY and BLUCHER!) are ineligible to +such a warlike title. General WALKER is not firm in his mind that +Marshals PURLEAR and BURGOYNE [would it be as well to say Marshal WALKER +and Generals PURLEAR and BURGOYNE?] are feminine. "These appear to be +the names of women," he says. Why might they not be the names of men? Is +there no right or reason in these days of domestic revolution for men to +name themselves LAVINIA and SARAH if they like it, and their wives like +it? And suppose LAVINIA and SARAH that ought to be, or might have been, +choose to call themselves MAHALALEEL and METHUSALEM--who's to prevent? +Why should not the Rev. Mr.---- style himself Miss NANCY if he pleases? +Why should not the Hon. Mr.---- rechristen himself BETTY if he has a +mind to? H'm! A pretty pass we are coming to if these women folks who +ask men's rights and take men's names won't lend us theirs! And alas, +alas, ye lasses! What if some-day ye do indeed abstract our census, and +marshal us into helpless minority. What if we have to disguise +ourselves, and shave our beards, and change our names even to get on the +police! Or will ye--ye bullying Syrens!--grow whiskers and wear +pantaloons, and put us in station-houses, and clear us out of the Census +altogether? + + * * * * * + +A LETTER FROM A FRIEND. + +Friend PUNCHINELLO: Thee has doubtless sorrowed, in spite of thy motley, +with those bereft at Richmond. Circumstances made that disaster a +calamity which we have all felt in common. But thee knows that +"Blessings come often in disguise." Let us find what small comfort we +can in this thought. + +Circumstances, however, alter cases. How different the feeling--how thin +the disguise would have been--had our Capitol fallen, at Harrisburg! +Before another Session we trust the proper spirit will move some +underpinning there, for the greater good of the Commonwealth. It was +formerly said that "Law is law;" but not even a Philadelphia lawyer now +knows what law is or what law is not--for "any thing" is law here +abouts. Of one result we may boast, if that be not sinful, we are ahead +of thy wicked city.. Thee had thy delinquent Tax Collector, _but thee +has him not_. We sorrowed, for we had him not, but now we rejoice in one +whose name is--not BAILEY--but HILL. We did not want him, but got him +involuntarily, as thee might get the small-pox. + +Doubtless he will make it more up-Hill work than ever with our taxes, +but, if he would only shoulder them and be off, what a blessing? For, +verily, it cannot be said, as of old, that a man "heapeth up riches, and +knoweth not who shall gather them." + +But, perhaps, thee pays taxes also? If so, thee can affirm to the +gatherer, as well as thy friend, + +PHINEAS BRODBRIMME. + +_Philadelphia, 5th month, 9th day, 1870._ + + * * * * * + +OLD IRON. + +Somebody talks of the Iron Men of Congress. Does he mean the Cast-iron +members or the Pig-iron members? For instance there are the rusty +Heavy-weights, and then there are the fellows who are greedy about +Tariff. Members of the scrap-iron and ten-penny nail order are, of +course, not alluded to. All these are iron men, but, as every body +knows, are not men of Iron. In view of its rusty legislation and +legislators, we recommend Congress to hang out a sign--"Highest prices +paid here for old iron." + + * * * * * + +Bar That! + +The Toronto _Globe_ is at present treating the Premier of the Dominion +to a course of lectures, advising him not to get drunk so often as he +does. Now this is too much to expect, since the gentleman referred to +has, by virtue of his official position, the run of the Bar. + + * * * * * + +CONDENSED CONGRESS. + +SENATE. + +MR. MORRILL expressed his views upon what he is pleased, for MORRILL is +mirthful in his heavy way, to designate the reduction of taxes. He said +that we had been for some time in a state of peace, and our expenses +were not so large as they had been. Therefore he thought we might leave +direct taxation alone. To be sure he was not prepared to suggest any +specific reductions in direct taxation. But, doubtless, they would be +made some day or other. In the meantime let us pile on the tariff. This +was his notion of reducing taxation. Let the importers and the consumers +who don't like it-- + + Learn how sublime a thing it is + To suffer and be strong. + +Then the Senate betook itself to considering an appropriation for +educating the colored infant. Mr. WILSON strongly approved it, not only +on account of the colored infant, for whose education he did not in a +general way feel any particular solicitude, inasmuch as the less +educated he was, the likelier he would be to give his voice and vote to +him, (Mr. WILSON,) and his like; but also because the appropriation +would provide for a number of the supernumerary female school-teachers +of Massachusetts, who had become a great trial to him, and particularly +to his colleague, Mr. SUMNER. + +Mr. SUMNER said "that's school," and explained that he believed he was +venerated by the women of Massachusetts, but that their reverence for +him was too great to allow them to approach him with importunities. +Nevertheless, he was in favor of the bill, as tending to break down the +accursed spirit of caste, and to disseminate throughout the South the +three or more R's which he had so often had the honor of reverberating +throughout the Senate. + +Mr. YATES approved of the bill. It was his general principle to vote for +any thing that looked to the disbursement of money. He was particularly +in favor of this measure, because he wanted an uniform education for +every body. He didn't want any body else to know more than himself, and +he didn't want to know more than any body else. (Voices--You don't.) +Take spelling. There was only one correct method of spelling--the one +that he pursued. And yet he had never found any other person who agreed +with him in it. Evidently, this was not right. He demanded that the +children of the country should be taught to spell on proper principles, +so that his works might be intelligible to posterity, as they were not +to his contemporaries. + +Of course Mr. SUMNER seized the occasion to quote crowds of authorities +on education, which debilitated the Senate to a dissolution. + +HOUSE. + +Mr. LYNCH wanted to revive American commerce in behalf of the +ship-builders of Maine. If he were a judge, as a celebrated namesake of +his once was, he would do it by hanging a majority of members of the +House he had the honor of addressing. In default of that he wanted them +to legislate sensibly upon it. + +Of course nobody paid any attention to the suggestion. The House did +itself credit by refusing one land-grab, out of a thousand or so +submitted. + +Mr. BUTLER actually produced again his bill to annex San Domingo, and +refused to be comforted, because every body laughed. + +Then came up the Tariff. COVODE said he supposed it would be admitted +that he had as little regard for the right and wrong of the thing as any +body. But this thing had really gone so far that any man with any regard +for his re-election must protest. Nobody but SCHENCK and KELLEY cared +about the tariff. Every body cared about the taxes. + +SCHENCK could not regard COVODE with any other sentiment than disgust. +He wanted a duty upon foreign oysters. The oyster of Long Island and the +oyster of New-Jersey ought not to be trodden down by the pauper oysters +of Europe. + + * * * * * + +OUR PORTFOLIO. + +Personal advertisements having reference to the matrimonial exigencies +of divers widows, old maids, and bachelors, are not without their +influence upon the sympathies of the age. Particular attention has been +recently directed toward an announcement made in a Cleveland paper to +the effect that "Two widow ladies, strangers in Cleveland, wish to form +the acquaintance of a limited number of gentlemen with a view to happy +results. Please address in confidence,--." + +One involuntarily regrets that a prospect thus bounded by an horizon of +"happy results" should have been confined to a "limited number of +gentlemen". + +There is nothing so calculated to impair the usefulness of what purports +to be a purely benevolent enterprise, as its selfishness. If a widow, or +any number of widows, really possess the means of realizing "happy +results" with a "limited number of gentlemen," they should either remove +the limitation themselves, or make known the secret to those who would +be less sparing of the joys which it is capable of communicating. A +quack who peddles a valuable remedy upon which he may have stumbled, and +yet refuses to disclose its ingredients for the benefit of the whole +medical fraternity, violates the _esprit du corps_ of the profession, +and is by general consent deemed a fit person to be kicked out of it. +Therefore, if any widows or single ladies in Cleveland have knowledge of +any "happy results" which they advertise to share with a limited number +of gentlemen, we shall deem them unworthy of their sex, unless they +explain the process by which these results are attained, for the benefit +of those who are fast verging toward the autumnal stage of maidenhood. + + * * * * * + +It may well be doubted whether the thought ever occurred to ADAM that +one day or other a hen would be charged with the care and custody of a +brood of goslings. The pastimes of Eden were perhaps not favorable to +vaticinations in the line of Natural History, but in the progress of the +world since those most primitive times, men have come to contemplate the +spectacle of that familiar barn-yard fowl made wretched by the aquatic +propensities of her supposed offspring, without a particle of +astonishment. The wicked and unfeeling even go so far as to seek +amusement in her misery. Her "ducklings" and other symptoms of maternal +agony at beholding the feathered darlings tempting the dangers of a +neighboring duck-pond, do not move their stony breasts. On the contrary, +they decidedly relish that sort of thing, and greet with positive +hilarity the efforts of some sympathizing rooster to cheer her. Fie, +upon such natures! If they must have an outlet for their ribaldry, let +them take PUNCHINELLO'S advice and select such instances as that +recently furnished in Sacramento, where a hen took charge of a nest of +kittens, and resolutely maintained it against the parent cat. Here the +case was different. The hen had become a trespasser. She had no business +with kittens. There was no hypothesis by which she could claim them as +her own. Kittens are not hereditary in the family of fowls, and she knew +it. It was an usurpation without any pretext of justification. What +would become of us if such a precedent could be extended to the genus +_Mammalia?_ Hundreds of rapacious old maids would be seizing all sorts +and all sizes of babies from agonized mothers, and asserting for +themselves the hallowed duties of maternity. Our infant days would have +been days of ceaseless motion. We should have been shuttle-cocked from +maiden to mother and from mother to maiden after a fashion calculated to +defeat the wise purposes of ipecac and paregoric, and to frighten our +natural curls into a state of painful perpendicularity. The mere +presentment of such a possibility, carries its refutation, and puts the +aggressions of this Sacramento hen in the category of outrages which all +society is banded to suppress. If you must laugh, O generation of +scoffers, make your jokes and gibes the instrument of protecting the +altars of all such feline households as may be thus assailed. + + * * * * * + +Flag and Rag. + +What is the difference between a railroad danger signal and a lost +pocket-handkerchief? + +The one is a red flag, the other is a fled rag. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL SCIENCE. + +_Lecturer._ "THERE IS A CUMULATIVE APPROXIMATIVENESS, SO TO SPEAK, A +PERIOD WHEN THE RECALCITRANT CORPUSCLES BEGIN TO "------- + +_Stenographer._ "CON-FOUND THE FELLOW! I KNEW HE'D BREAK MY PENCIL WITH +HIS INFERNAL JAW-SMASHERS!"] + + * * * * * + +FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE. + +[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.] + +ROME. + +Being uneasy about our agent's course at the Vatican, I have come over +to Rome to see about it. He is an Irishman, with a little of Father TOM +in him, and has got into a "controversy" with his Holiness about +infallibility. Our African bishop (otherwise PHELIM BURKE) insists that +PUNCHINELLO is infallible! The Pope says this is ridiculous! Father +PHELIM replies that "there are two that can play that same game." I +found them in the midst of this when ANTONELLI ushered me into the Papal +presence. PIUS was up on his feet, talking Latin like a crack student of +the Propaganda. PHELIM had his sleeves rolled up. ANTONELLI, with a +"_Pax vobiscum_" got the two contending powers quieted down; and, after +a proper salutation from me, we began our talk. His Holiness is not much +on English. Says he, "I speak vat-I-can English." Had he said _non +possumus_ to it, it would have been better. However, PHELIM translated +him; so we got on. + +"Your Holiness enjoys, I hope, a good constitution?" + +"The _constitutio de fide_ is, indeed, very good. Catholics must every +where subscribe to it." + +"Dr. DOLLINGER, I trust, don't disturb your appetite?" "_Anathema +maranatha!_" which means (said PHELIM,) "Oh no, I never mention him." +Whereupon PHELIM, who had breakfasted on gin-and-milk, began to hum that +tune. I at once trod upon his toe, and he stopped. + +"On the whole, what does your Holiness think of the prospect?" + +"From this window, it is very fine. But I'm getting a little +dim-sighted. + +"Don't you see that crowd of people coming up?" + +"No I don't--it's only a herd of cattle from the Campagna." + +"Take my glass. There, now; don't you see, I am right?" + +"Yes," and the old man crossed himself, "It is so; I was mistaken." + +"Thrue for you!" gobbled out PHELIM; "we've got to make a note of that! +PUNCHINELLO never made the likes of a mistake!" + +"But, _what's in your glass?_ I see strange men there. GARIBALDI, and +MAZZINI, and HYACINTHE, STROSSMEYER, DOLLINGER, DUPANLOUP, and CUMMING, +all together! I see a troop of schoolmasters; a larger one of +newspaper-venders; and a whole army of _colporteurs_, each with a bag of +Bibles on his back! And, what do I see? They enter ST. PETER'S; they +leave the door wide open. Did I hear it? They are singing LUTHER'S +Hymn!" + +The old man fell now into his seat, and I took the glass from him. "Only +one of his attacks," said ANTONELLI. "He is not quite so strong as he +was." "Thrue again," said PHELIM. With that sense of propriety for which +your representative has over been distinguished, I took PHELIM by the +arm and retired. + +Poor Pius! He means well, and if we only had him for a while out West, +where I came from, we might make something sensible out of him yet. But, +when a man will live so far away from the Rocky Mountains as away over +here, what can be expected? We can't civilize the whole world at once. + +Father PHELIM, by the way, is to be proposed as the new King of Spain. +His father's uncle's second cousin by the mother's side partook of a +good deal of BOURBON. That's reason enough, you know especially as they +only want a King LOG. + +FRANCE. + +Those infernal machines, so called, with--which the Emperor was supposed +to be about to be blown up, turn out to have been pewter plates. Out of +one of them the bottom had been cut, and the edges rolled up; and this +gave rise to a terrible suspicion. Two thousand people have been +arrested in consequence. + +That _Press Ass_ has been at his blunders again. He telegraphed to me +that a conspiracy was afloat to enact a kind of petticoat government. He +meant to tell me some gossip about Madame PATTI-CAUX. Then he wanted me +to believe that the "smaller catechism" talked about at Rome was the +catechizing of SMALLEY of the Tribune, concerning GUSTAVE FLOURENS. That +man never will learn. PRIME. + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN | + | | + | READY-MADE PARIS AND DOMESTIC SILK, POPLIN, BAREGE, MUSLIN, | + | PIQUE, LINEN | + | | + | AND | + | | + | LAWN DRESSES. | + | | + | Paris-Made Silk Sacks and Cosacks. Ladies' Embroidered | + | Breakfast Jackets. | + | | + | A CHOICE VARIETY OF LADIES' UNDERWEAR, ETC. | + | | + | PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE LADIES' HATS, BONNETS, FEATHERS, | + | FLOWERS, TRIMMING RIBBONS, _Magnificent Sash Ribbons, Velvet | + | Ribbons, etc., etc._ | + | | + | A. T. Stewart & Co., | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. 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It has now a larger circulation than ever | + | before--the largest circulation of any political paper ever | + | printed, and is now so firmly established it can not by any | + | possible means fail. | + | | + | Mr. Pomeroy, Editor and Proprietor, will devote his entire | + | time and attention to editorial and literary labor for THE | + | DEMOCRAT alone, each week adding to the power, interest, | + | worth, and variety of the reading matter it will contain. | + | With the people to back him--abundant means of his own at | + | his disposal, he is devoting his life to this paper, the | + | people who support it, the cause it advocates, and the | + | principles it defends, without fear, favor, or hope for | + | reward. | + | | + | Read the terms and inducements! | + | | + | In addition to its political worth, THE DEMOCRAT will each | + | week contain: | + | | + | Pomeroy's Saturday Night Chapters. Letters of | + | Correspondence. Editorials on different topics. Pomeroy's | + | Social Chat with Friends. Terrance McGrant's Letters. Full | + | Market Produce, and Money Reports. A Splendid Masonic | + | Department. Happenings Here and There. Brief Items of | + | Satire, News, Sarcasm, and Burlesque. Discriptive Letters of | + | Travels. Occasional "Pomeroy Pictures of New York Life." A | + | First-Class Agricultural Department. | + | | + | In short, everything to make it the best and most readable | + | paper in the United States. | + | | + | Politically it will be Democratic--red-hot and reliable | + | earnest and continuous in its war against the bonded | + | interest of the country, and determined in its labors for | + | that earnest Democracy, which believes in the _restoration_ | + | and not the _reconstruction_ of the Government. | + | | + | Thankful to those who, in every State of the Union, and | + | almost every county of the United States, have so generously | + | sustained THE DEMOCRAT before its removal to New-York, and | + | since, we offer the following premiums--as an evidence of | + | gratitude to those who forward from time to time | + | subscribers: | + | | + | SINGLE COPIES, per year ... $2.50 | + | | + | TEN COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | + | names of subscribers on each paper), and one copy for the | + | year to the one who sends us the club ... $20.00 | + | | + | TWENTY COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | + | names of subscribers on each paper), with an extra copy for | + | the year, and a copy of each of Pomeroy's two books, | + | "Sense," and "Nonsense," to the getter-up of the club ... | + | $40.00 | + | | + | THIRTY COPIES. one year to one post-office (we writing the | + | names of subscribers on each paper), with two extra copies | + | for the year, and a copy of each of Pomeroy's two books, | + | "Sense," and "Nonsense," and "Saturday Night," just | + | published to the getter-up of the club ... $60.00 | + | | + | WILCOX AND GIBBS SEWING MACHINES AS PREMIUMS | + | | + | For fifty-six subscribers, with $112, a $56 machine. | + | | + | For sixty subscribers, with $120, a $60 machine. | + | | + | For sixty-five subscribers, with $130, a $65 machine. | + | | + | For one-hundred subscribers, with $200, a $100 machine. | + | | + | | + | IMPORTANT NOTICE | + | | + | If you can not conveniently raise subscribers enough to | + | entitle you to a machine, as a premium, send what you can, | + | with two dollars for each subscriber so sent, and the | + | balance in cash for such priced machine as you so desire, | + | when the paper and the machine will be sent as directed. | + | | + | For example, where thirty subscribers and $60 are sent, it | + | will require $26 in cash in addition to the subscription | + | money to purchase a $56 machine; or, for forty subscribers | + | and $80, sixteen dollars additional will be required to | + | purchase the same priced machine, and son in proportion. | + | | + | We offer these unrivalled machines, believing them to be the | + | simplest, most durable, useful, and desirable sewing | + | machines in the world, with a view to giving workingmen, or | + | deserving woman a chance to obtain a machine for much less | + | money than in any other possible way. | + | | + | There is hardly a township in the United States, but a | + | person can, in a day or two, earn for himself a family | + | machine, actually worth the price asked for it--the same as | + | sold at, when purchased of Wilcox & Gibbs, the manufactures. | + | | + | In many cases a few gentlemen might, by sending their names | + | to us as subscribers, receive for themselves THE DEMOCRAT | + | each week, and a machine for some poor widow or other | + | deserving woman, thus giving her the power to care for | + | herself and family, and live independant. | + | | + | Each machine we send out will be _perfect_, and of the very | + | best. | + | | + | Address all letters on business connected with the office to | + | C.P. Sykes, Publisher, P.O. Box 5,217, New-York City. | + | | + | Letters on political matters should be addressed to M.M. | + | Pomeroy, and if the writer wishes them to be seen only by | + | the person to whom they are address, they should be marked | + | private, when, if Mr. Pomeroy is not in the city, they will | + | be forwarded to him immediately by mail, express, or special | + | messenger. | + | | + | In ordering papers, be careful to write the names of | + | subscribers with the post-office, county, and state very | + | plain, that there may be no mistakes in entering names or | + | forwarding papers. | + | | + | Retail price of the paper when sold by newsdealers or | + | newsboys, SIX CENTS | + | | + | Additions can be made to clubs at $2 per year. | + | | + | _Specimen Copies sent free_ | + | | + | In forwarding sums of money for clubs of subscribers, drafts | + | or money orders should always be used, as, if lost or | + | stolen, they can be duplicated, and no financial loss will | + | be sustained by the parties interested. | + | | + | | + | C.P. SYKES, Publisher, Box 5,217, New-York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + +S. W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 9 *** + +***** This file should be named 10013.txt or 10013.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10013/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze +and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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