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diff --git a/old/10013-h/10013-h.htm b/old/10013-h/10013-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92a0d9a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10013-h/10013-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3096 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> + +<html> +<head> + <meta content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" http-equiv= + "Content-Type"> + + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. + 9.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, 1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 7, 2003 [EBook #10013] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 9 *** + + + + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + + + + + +</pre> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><big><big><span style= + "font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S</span></big></big></p> + + <p><span style="font-style: italic;">PATENT + BINDERS</span></p> + + <p><small>FOR</small> <b><br></b></p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO,"</b></big></big></p> + + <p><small>to preserve the paper for binding, will be + sent, post-paid, on receipt of One Dollar, + by</small></p> + + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., 83 Nassau + Street,<br></b></p> + + <p><b>New-York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TO NEWS-DEALERS.</p> + + <p><big><b>PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY.</b></big></p> + + <p><small>THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL</small></p> + + <p> Bound in a Handsome Cover,</p> + + <p>IS NOW READY. Price Fifty Cents.</p> + + <p><big><b>THE TRADE</b></big></p> + + <p>SUPPLIED BY THE</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEWS + COMPANY.</p> + + <p>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & + CO.'S</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL + PENS.</big></big></big></p> + + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and + cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special + attention is called to the following grades, as being + better suited for business purposes than any Pen + manufactured. The</p> + + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the + <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> + Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="0" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> + <br> + <br> + <img src="images/01.jpg" alt=""><br> + + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 9.</h2> + + <p>SATURDAY, MAY 28, 1870.</p><br> + <br> + + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3><br> + + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3><br> + <br> + + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center><br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><i>Will Shortly appear: Our New Serial, Written + expressly for Punchinello, by ORPHEUS C. KERR,<br> + Entitled, "The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood." To be continued + weekly during this year.</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN</small></p> + + <p><big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO"</b></big></big></p> + + <p>SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON,</p> + + <p>Room No. 4,</p> + + <p>83 NASSAU STREET.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="3"> + <img src="images/02a.jpg" alt= + "HERCULES MUTUAL LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY"> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE UNITED STATES.</p> + + <p>No. 240 Broadway, New-York.</p> + + <p>POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE.</p> + + <p>All Policies</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Entitled to + Participation in Profits.<br></span></p> + + <p> Dividends Declared Annually.</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">JAMES D. + REYMERT,</span> President.</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">ASHER S. + MILLS,</span> Secretary.</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">THOMAS H. WHITE. + M.D.,</span> Medical Examiner.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ACTIVE AGENTS + WANTED.</big></p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p><big><b>Mercantile Library,</b></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Clinton Hall, Astor + Place</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">New-York.</p> + + <p><small>This is now the largest circulating Library In + America, the number of volumes on its shelves being + <span style="font-weight: bold;">114,000.</span> About + 1000 volumes are added each month; and very large + purchases are made of all new and popular + works.</small></p> + + <p><small>Books are delivered at members' residences for + five cents each delivery.</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP:</p> + + <p>TO CLERKS,</p> + + <p>$1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues.</p> + + <p>TO OTHERS, $5 a year.</p> + + <p>SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS.</p> + + <p><b>BRANCH OFFICES</b></p> + + <p>NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK,</p> + + <p>AND AT</p> + + <p>Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p>Notice to Ladies.</p> + + <p> + <big><big><big><big>DIBBLE,</big></big></big></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Of 854 Broadway,</p> + + <p><small>Has just received a large assortment of all the + latest styles of</small></p> + + <p><b>Chignons, Chatelaines, etc.,</b></p> + + <p>FROM PARIS,</p> + + <p>Comprising the following beautiful varieties:<br> + La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet,<br> + La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc.</p> + + <p>At prices varying from $2 upward</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>AGENTS WANTED</b></p> + + <p><small>In every town, county, and State, to canvass + for HENRY WARD BEECHER'S great weekly paper, with which + is GIVEN AWAY that superb and world-renowned work of art, + "<i>Marshall's Household Engraving of Washington</i>." + The best paper and the grandest engraving In America. + Agents report "making $20 in half a day." "Sales easier + than books, and profits greater." Ladies or gentlemen + desiring immediate or largely remunerative employment + should apply at once. Book canvassers, and all soliciting + agents will find more money in this than in anything + else. It is something <i>entirely new</i>, being an + <i>unprecedented combination</i> and very taking. Send + for circular and terms to</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. B. FORD & CO., + Publishers,</p> + + <p>39 Park Row, New-York.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p>AMERICAN</p> + + <p><b>BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING,</b></p> + + <p>AND</p> + + <p><big>SEWING-MACHINE CO.,</big></p> + + <p><b>563 Broadway, New-York.</b></p> + + <p><small>This great combination machine is the last and + greatest improvement on all former machines, making, in + addition to all work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, + beautiful</small></p> + + <p>BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES;</p> + + <p>in all fabrics.</p> + + <p>Machine, with finely finished</p> + + <p>OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER</p> + + <p><small>complete, $75. Same machine, without the + buttonhole parts, $60. This last is beyond all question + the simplest, easiest to manage and to keep in order, of + any machine in the market. Machines warranted, and full + instruction given to purchasers.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>PHELAN & COLLENDER,</b></p> + + <p>MANUFACTURERS OF</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Standard American + Billiard Tables.</big></p> + + <p>WAREROOMS AND OFFICE,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">738 BROADWAY, NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="4"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> + <big><big>PUNCHINELLO.</big></big></p> + + <p><small>With a large and varied experience in the + management and publication of a paper of the class + herewith submitted, and with the still more positive + advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the undertaking, + the</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.</p><small><span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">OF THE + CITY OF NEW-YORK,</span></small><br> + + <p>Presents to the public for approval, the</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>NEW ILLUSTRATED + HUMOROUS<br> + AND SATIRICAL</small></p><small><span style= + "margin-left: 0.25em;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + + <p><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO,</b></big></big></p> + + <p><small>The first number of which was issued under date + of April 2.</small></p> + + <p><small>PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous + and witty without vulgarity, and satirical without + malice. It will be printed on a superior tinted paper of + sixteen pages, size 13 by 9, and will be for sale by all + respectable newsdealers who have the judgment to know a + good thing when they see it, or by subscription from this + office.</small></p> + + <p><small>ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</small></p> + + <p><small>Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, + or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon + the topics of the day, are always acceptable, and will be + paid for liberally.</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Terms:</p> + + <p><small>One copy, per year, in advance - + $4.00</small></p> + + <p><small>Single copies, ten cents.</small></p> + + <p><small>A specimen copy will be mailed free<br> + upon the receipt of ten <span style= + "margin-left: 0.25em;">cents.</span><br></small></p> + + <p><small>One copy, with the Riverside Magazine,<br> + or any other magazine or<span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;"><br> + paper, price, $2.50, for - 5.50</span><br></small></p> + + <p><small>One copy, with any magazine<br> + or paper, price, $4, for - 7.00</small></p> + + <p><small>All communications, remittances, etc.,<br> + to be addressed to</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.,</p><span style= + "margin-left: 0.25em; font-weight: bold;">No. 83 Nassau + Street,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em; font-weight: bold;">NEW-YORK</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P.O. Box, 2783.</p> + + <p>(<i>For terms to Clubs, see 16th page</i>.)</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>GEO. B. + BOWLEND,</big></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>DRAUGHTSMAN AND + DESIGNER,</big></p> + + <p>160 FULTON STREET,</p> + + <p>Room No. 11.</p> + + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center"><img src="images/02b.jpg" alt= + "HENRY SPEAR PRINTER - LITHOGRAPHER STATIONER, 82 Wall Street, NEW-YORK."> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>WEVILL & HAMMAR,</big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Wood + Engravers,</big></big></big></p> + + <p>No. 208 BROADWAY,</p> + + <p>NEW-YORK.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" rowspan="2"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">J. NICKINSON</p> + + <p><small>begs to announce to the friends of</small></p> + + <p><big><big>"PUNCHINELLO"</big></big></p> + + <p><small>residing in the country, that, for their + convenience, he has made arrangements by which, on + receipt of the price of</small></p> + + <p>ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED,</p> + + <p><small>the same will be forwarded, postage + paid.</small></p> + + <p><small>Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our + Publishing Houses can have the same forwarded by + inclosing two stamps.</small></p> + + <p>OFFICE OF</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING + CO.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau Street.</p> + + <p>[P.O. Box 2783.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Thomas J. Rayner & + Co.,</big></p><small><span style= + "margin-left: 0.25em;">29 LIBERTY STREET,</span><br> + <span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">New-York,</span></small><br> + + <p><small>MANUFACTURERS OF THE</small><br> + <i>Finest Cigars made in the United States.</i></p> + + <p><small>All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. + Samples sent to any responsible house. Also importers of + the</small></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><i>"FUSBOS" BRAND,</i></p> + + <p><small>Equal in quality to the best of the Havana + market, and from ten to twenty per cent + cheaper.</small></p> + + <p><small>Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will + save money by calling at</small></p> + + <p>29 LIBERTY STREET.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><b>AT THE MERCANTILE + LIBRARY.</b></p> + + <table align="center" cellspacing="8" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center" width="250"><img src= + "images/03a.jpg" alt=""></td> + + <td align="center" width="250"><img src= + "images/03b.jpg" alt=""></td> + + <td align="center" width="250"><img src= + "images/03c.jpg" alt=""></td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><i>Mr. Nottmuch</i>, (to Clerk in Library.) "I + SEE BY YOUR CIRCULAR THAT VISITORS OF DISTINCTION + HAVE FREE ACCESS TO YOUR READING-ROOM, AND AS I + HAVE CONTRIBUTED A STORY TO THE 'WAYERLY + MAGAZINE,'" etc.</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><i>Nottmuch</i>, (having obtained access to + the reading-room.) "A VERY PRETTY GIRL, THAT + SUPERINTENDENT! HAS SHE PERUSED MY STORY, OR DO I + DAZZLE HER WITH MY LOOKS? HA! SHE + RISES!—."</p> + </td> + + <td align="center" valign="top"> + <p><i>Lady Superintendent</i>. (blandly but + firmly). "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT IT'S AGAINST THE + RULES FOR GENTLEMEN TO PLACE THEIR FEET ON + CHAIRS."</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>HIGH NOTES BY OUR MUSICAL CRITIC.</b></p> + + <p>PUNCHINELLO'S critic, always the friend of fair-play, + resents the insinuation that Mr. CARL ROSA has been a + careless director of Opera. The truth is that Mr. ROSA + has not produced the smallest work without a great deal + of Preparation.</p> + + <p>FLOTOW'S <i>Shadow</i> is to be brought out in London. + It will not stand the ghost of a chance unless well + mounted. Music light and sketchy; remarkable for a Chorus + of Fishermen, well known as the "Shad oh! song."</p> + + <p><i>Lohengrin</i> has had a run of eight nights at + Brussels, with average receipts of little less than four + thousand francs. This sort of tune is the only one in the + music of the Future which managers can understand. + Nevertheless Herr WAGNER is not out of spirits. Intent + upon laying the foundations of future wealth and fame, he + can lay Low and Grin. Brussels gold will serve him as + well as <i>Rheingold</i>.</p> + + <p>The difference between BACH'S music find a music-box + is yet an unsettled conundrum. Such is likely to be the + fate of the question raised with so much temper over the + Passion Music of that great man by the English critics. + Shame on all critics that condemn MOZART as a fogy and + BACH as a nuisance. Of course it is going back on BACH + with a vengeance, but what sympathy can exist between the + old fuguemakers and the modern high-flyers?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>LATEST NEWS ITEMS.</b></p> + + <p>A SHEFFIELD paper has been prosecuted for asserting + that the Prince of Wales was a fast young man. The + prosecution was withdrawn as soon as the editor confessed + that the Prince was loose.</p> + + <p>The Treasury Department is much distressed by the + great genius for smuggling displayed by the Chinese + immigrants. They secrete opium in all sorts of wonderful + places, and so worry the custom-house officers + dreadfully. Several children have been arrested for + bringing their "poppies" over with them, and feeling in + favor of the offenders ran so high that a number of women + were fined for having a share in laud'n'm.</p> + + <p>The bull fights in London have come to a mournful + conclusion. The bulls refused to take part, and the + principal combatant instead of being all Matted O'er with + the blood of his taurine victims, has been sent to prison + for trying to Pick a Door lock.</p> + + <p>The Last of the Piegans is travelling East, on his way + to Philadelphia, to see "SHERIDAN'S Ride." He was away + from home when PHILIP was there, and is very anxious to + know the young man when he sees him again. Hence his + laudable anxiety to study the picture.</p> + + <p>The Fenian Army.</p> + + <p>If the Fenians send an army to aid the Red river + insurgents, it may probably be the only "BIEL" work they + will attempt this year.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>WHAT I KNOW ABOUT PROTECTION.</b></p> + + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Having skilfully illuminated Free + Trade, I now proceed to elucidate Protection. You see + when we reach Protection, the boot is on the other leg; + <i>you</i> make the conundrums then, and the other man + tries to guess them. There are many kinds of protection; + there's the kind which a State's prison-keeper gives to + one of his birds; the kind which a black-and-tan terrier, + or a freshly-imported Chinaman, extends to a good fat + rat; the kind which a pious young man offers to a fair + and tender damsel, when he places his arm around her + dainty waist, and gently absorbs the dew of innocence + from her rosy lips, (that idea, is, I think, plagiarized + from TENNYSON,) and the kind which a delicate + mother-in-law, blessed with nerves, pours out upon her + son-in-law. But I leave the discussion of such things to + weaker birds, and soar myself to a higher kind, + <i>i.e.</i>, that Protection which is diametrically + opposed to Free Trade.</p> + + <p>Protection, in this sense, is—well, let me + follow my own admirable example, and illustrate: You own + a coal mine in Pennsylvania, which contains tolerably + poor coal, with which you mix a proper amount of stone, + and then sell the mixture for a high price. ICHABOD + BLUE-NOSE owns a coal mine in Nova Scotia, which + furnishes good coal; he puts no slate in it, and yet + sells it at a low figure. You reflect that with such + opposition you will never manage to dispose of all your + stone, so you apply to Congress, and have a high tariff + put on coal. That's Protection. Metaphysically defined, + Protection is the natural right, inherent in every + American citizen, to obtain money in large quantities for + goods of small qualities.</p> + + <p>Protection is not a natural production; it was + invented about the time taxes were, though it must be + admitted that those very annoying articles appeared very + early in the history of the human race. I've no doubt + that ADAM levied taxes, though it's very doubtful if he + could put as many things in a tax levy as a New York + politician can. Certainly there was a very high tariff on + apples in his day—so high that humanity has not yet + succeeded in paying off the duty on the one ADAM ate. + ABRAHAM paid taxes, and, as he was his own Senate and + House, doubtless he passed a tariff bill to suit himself, + and had any quantity of Protection. I have always + regretted that NOAH didn't pass a bill protecting native + industry, because he could have enforced it, and had no + wrangling about it.</p> + + <p>There are one or two points about Protection which a + wayfaring man, even if people labor under the impression + that he is a fool, can understand. If you are JOHN SMITH + and own a coal mine or an iron mill, you go to + Washington, see your Congressman, (by see I mean look at + him, of course,) donate large sums of money to certain + poor, but honest men, who adorn the lobby of the House, + while they are waiting for generous patrons like unto + you, then go home and calmly await the result. Your + representative makes a speech, the exordium of which is + Patriotism, the peroration of which is Star-Spangled + Banner, and the central plum of which is your coal mine + or iron mill. Your poor and honest friends wear out + several pairs of shoes, the tariff bill is passed, your + mine or mill is abundantly protected, and the country is + saved. If, on the other hand, you are JOHN BROWN, and + raise cabbages and turnips on a farm, you are allowed to + pay high prices for SMITH'S coal or iron, but you expect + no Protection, and you've a sure thing of getting what + you expect.</p> + + <p>Of course you don't imagine that I shall explain the + details of this profound subject. There are only two men + in this country who think they can do that, and each one + of those says that the other is an idiot. As a rule, + figures can't lie; but look out for the exceptions when + you run across the subject of Protection. The very same + figures have an ugly way of proving both sides of a + question. You run down a fact, and think you've got it, + but, before you know it, it has slipped, like the "little + joker," over to the other side.</p> + + <p>Personally, I am a Protectionist. Formerly I indulged + in that monstrous absurdity, Free Trade, but then I was + an importer; now, being a manufacturer, the scales have + fallen from my eyes, and I am of the straitest sect a + Protectionist. You can't give me too much of it. Of + course I can't see why pig-iron should be protected, and + pigs not. I think every native production should be cared + for, and that there should be an excessively high tariff + on foreign food. In that case poor REVERDY JOHNSON would + have been compelled to have passed a Lenten season at + Halifax, until he had eradicated from his system the rich + English dinners, before he could have entered this + favored land. And MOTLEY—bless me, he has eaten so + much that I don't believe he could get it out of his body + if he fasted for the remainder of his natural life.</p> + + <p>I am informed, however, that Protection does us one + injury. All the <i>World</i> says that there is a Parsee + in our land, who is loaded with rupees, but who is unable + to spend them here because of our protective system, and + what all the <i>World</i> says, you know, must be true. + However, there are 40,000,000 of us, and, if Congress + will make all Americans buy my patent door-knobs, the + Parsee can go to—Hindostan.</p> + + <p>I don't think any thing more can be said about + Protection. Any body who doesn't understand it now had + better go to Washington, and listen to the debate on + scrap-iron. That will sharpen his wits. Pig-iron, of + course, is interesting, but then that's a light and airy + subject. Hear the debate on scrap-iron, by all means.</p> + + <p>LOT.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A LITERARY VAMPIRE.</b></p> + + <p>No greater mistake was ever made than the supposition + that PUNCHINELLO is to be assailed with impunity by rival + publications. It is well known that he never courted + controversies or quarrels, and his best friends + understand perfectly his love for a peaceable career. But + when that flippant sheet, known as <i>Rees's American + Encyclopedia</i>, comes out with a violent attack upon + PUNCHINELLO'S past life and present course, the assault + is such as would provoke a retort from any honest man. + The vile insinuation that PUNCHINELLO is printed and + published for the sole purpose of making money out of its + subscribers and the reading public in general, is too + mendacious for refutation; and when the reckless editor + of the periodical in question gravely announces that he + can never read PUNCHINELLO without laughing at its + contents, it will be readily seen that he goes so far as + to make use of the truth to serve his wicked purposes. + But the descent which this shameless conductor of a + journal, confessedly the organ of our ignorant masses, + has made into the private life of PUNCHINELLO, is without + precedent. He states that for the first fourteen years of + his life, PUNCHINELLO was, to all intents and purposes, a + person of little or no fortune, and that he depended + entirely upon his parents for support; that, until he had + reached his fifth birthday, he had absolutely no + knowledge of English literature, and was entirely + ignorant of even the rudiments of the classics; that he + never paid one cent of income tax at that period of his + life; and that his belief in the fundamental principles + of political economy was, at that time, doubted by all + who knew him best! Are such statements as these to be + submitted to by a man of honor? Never! PUNCHINELLO dares + the recreant editor of the dirty sheet to do his worst! + Of that base man he could tell much which would render + him unfit for the association of any person living, but + he forbears. This much, however, he will say. It is well + known that the said calumniator did, at many periods of + his life, make use of the services of a + <i>calceolarius</i>. Think of that, freemen of America! + He has often been known to submit to indignities, such as + nose-pulling from the hands of a common <i>tonsor</i>, + and has been frequently in such a condition that he could + not appear in public without the assistance of a + <i>sartor</i>! Is it fitting that a high-toned journalist + should engage in petty recriminations with such a one? + "Revenge," says JAMES MURDOCK, "is the sweetest morsel + cooked in its own gravy, with <i>sauce moyennaise</i>." + "Yes," said Dean SWIFT, "and let us have some, and a + little gin, say five fingers, and a trifle of milk." Thus + it is that we regard the editor of the + <i>Encyclopedia</i>.</p> + + <p>CARLYLE remarks, "Many a vessel, (for if not a Vessel, + then surely we, or our progenitors, in counting ships, + and the assumptive floatative mechanisms of anterior and + past ages; or as the Assyrians [under-estimating the + force of the correlative elements] declared a bridging, + or a going over [not of seas merely, but of those chaotic + gaps of the mind] are all wrong enough indeed,) has never + got there."</p> + + <p>We also think of that editor in this way, and trust + that enough has been said to make it plain that + PUNCHINELLO is not to be attacked with impunity by every + little journal of the day.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Encouraging for Travellers.</b></p> + + <p>The managers of a leading railroad announce that they + take passengers "to all principal points of the West + without change." Such unusual liberality, at a time when + Change is so scarce with many people, ought to insure for + that railroad a great success.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Alike, but Different.</b></p> + + <p>Poetry sometimes has a Ring in it. So has a pig's + nose.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + + <p><img src="images/05.jpg" align="left" alt="M">ilitary + dramas might, as a rule, be called with equal propriety + millinery dramas. In other words, their success is + generally due to their costumes. In this respect they + afford a marked contrast to ballet spectacles. The latter + give us inanity without clothes; the former, inanity in + particularly gorgeous clothes. Which, again, leads to the + further remark that the difference between the two styles + of inanity is, after all, a clothes thing. This is a + joke.</p> + + <p>The <i>Lancers</i>, now running at WALLACK'S, (a + proceeding which implies no want of bravery on the part + of that distinguished corps,) is, however, unlike most + military dramas, inasmuch as it is a bright and brilliant + play. Moreover, it is acted by the best members of the + Company in their very best manner. Miss LOUISA MOORE, + whose golden hair and silvery voice become an actress of + genuine mettle as well as gentle grace, is ESTELLE, the + heroine; Miss EMILY MESTAYER is the Commanding Sister of + Col. EPÉE who is personated by Mr. FISHER; Mr. + WYNDHAM is the Graceless Private, who, having spent his + last penny, enlists in the Lancers and spends vast sums + in beneficiary beer in company with his comrades; Mr. + WILLIAMSON is the Kindly Sergeant; Mr. RINGGOLD is the + Genial Artist, whose velvet coat suggests that he has + recently managed a Starr <i>opera bouffe</i> enterprise; + and Mr. STODDART is happy in the congenial character of a + Clumsy Trumpeter. If any speculative manager pretends + that he has a better hypothetical cast in his eye than + the present cast of the <i>Lancers</i>, let him be given + to the surgical tormentors to be operated upon for + malignant <i>strabismus</i>.</p> + + <p>The curtain rises upon the Genial Artist searching for + his friend, the Graceless Private, in the empty jugs and + glasses at the <i>Golden Sun Inn</i>. To him enters the + Clumsy Trumpeter.</p> + + <p><i>Genial Artist</i>. "Where can he be? It—it + must, and yet—"</p> + + <p><i>Clumsy Trumpeter (without Stoddart's usual + oath.)</i> "He's got 'em. Hallo! friend. Do you want any + thing?"</p> + + <p><i>Genial Artist</i>. "Yes—no—that + is—or rather it isn't—" (<i>Exit, while + Trumpeter makes faces at the gallery</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Enter</i> ESTELLE <i>and her maid, disguised as + peasants, and pursued by a troop of lancers</i>.</p> + + <p><i>All the Lancers</i>. "Let <i>me</i> kiss 'em."</p> + + <p><i>Both the Girls</i>. "Scr-r-r-r-e-e-e-ch."</p> + + <p>(<i>Enter Graceless Private</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Graceless Private</i>. "I will protect you. Get + out, all you fellows." (<i>They get out</i>.)</p> + + <p>A flirtation between the Private and ESTELLE is at + once begun, from which it appears that she came to catch + a glimpse of the Colonel, who wants to marry her. She and + the Private sit on the table, and fall instantaneously in + love. As soon as they are well in, the Lancers return, + and ESTELLE flies. Graceless Private, having no money, + pays for the co-inebriation of the entire corps, and + while engaged in this praiseworthy occupation is found by + the Genial Artist, who makes him promise to attend a ball + at a neighboring <i>château</i>. Enter Kindly + Sergeant, who arrests the Graceless Private, and puts him + in the guard-house. Curtain falls amid faces from + STODDART (without his usual oath) and applause from the + audience.</p> + + <p><i>Veteran Play-goer</i>. "Well, I've seen STODDART in + every thing he has played this year, and this is the + first time he has failed to swear on every ineligible + occasion."</p> + + <p><i>Young Lady who frequents Wallack's</i>. "Who is + that Clumsy Trumpeter? I don't know him."</p> + + <p><i>Accompanying Young Man</i>. "Why, don't you know + STODDART?"</p> + + <p><i>Young Lady</i>. "Nonsense; that isn't STODDART. + Why, he hasn't sworn once."</p> + + <p><i>Fast Young Man</i>. "STODDART isn't himself + to-night. He hasn't the spirit to swear. Did you hear the + good thing he said Monday night about Miss MOORE? It was + devilish good. Says he—" (<i>Repeats an indelicate + joke</i>.)</p> + + <p><i>Irate Old Gentleman who overhears the story</i>. + "If he said that, sir, he ought to have been hissed off + the stage, sir; and turned out of the company, sir! It + was an insult to an estimable lady, and an outrage on the + audience, sir!"</p> + + <p><i>The second act takes place in the salon of ESTELLE. + The Colonel and his Commanding Sister lay siege to</i> + ESTELLE'S <i>heart. Graceless Private, in evening dress, + countermines the Colonel's forces and routs them, wading + deeper than before in the exhilarating surf of love, hand + in hand with</i> ESTELLE. (<i>This metaphor has been + leased for a term of years to a distinguished hydropathic + poet.) Clumsy Trumpeter drops books and things all over + the room, and recognises the Graceless Private. Finally + the Colonel and the latter quarrel, and go out in the + back yard to fight, where the Private is wounded in the + arm. The Colonel returns and announces the result to</i> + ESTELLE, <i>who swoons, or at all events, makes an + admirable feint of so doing. Curtain.</i></p> + + <p><i>Fast Young Man</i>. "STODDART didn't try his good + joke to-night. He'll say something yet, though, before + the play is over."</p> + + <p><i>Every body Else</i>. "Did you ever see better + acting than WYNDHAM'S and Miss MOORE'S? And how capitally + FISHER and Miss MESTAYER are playing? STODDART positively + hasn't sworn yet. What can be the matter with him?"</p> + + <p><i>Inquiring Maiden, to her travelled lover</i>. "Are + the uniforms just like those of the real French + Lancers?"</p> + + <p><i>Travelled Lover</i>. "Very nearly. There is one + button too many on the front of the Colonel's coat. I + know the regiment well. It's the crack artillery regiment + in the French service."</p> + + <p><i>Act III. shows us the Graceless Private brought + before the Colonel for examination. He feigns + drunkenness, but the Colonel suspects him of having been + his adversary at the ball</i>. ESTELLE <i>visits the + Colonel in order to save her Private lover. He is proved + to have broken his arrest, and is sentenced to death</i>. + ESTELLE <i>offers to marry the Colonel if he will pardon + the Private. The latter's discharge arrives in the nick + of time, and as he is thus beyond the reach of the + Colonel's vengeance, he graciously pardons him, and joins + his hand to that of</i> ESTELLE. <i>He remarks—or + ought to—"Bless you, my children." Every body + suddenly finds out that every body else is noble and + generous. And so the curtain falls upon a happy garrison, + including a Trumpeter who has not sworn a single + oath</i>.</p> + + <p><i>One Half of the Audience</i>. "How do you like it? + I like it so much."</p> + + <p><i>The Other Half</i>. "I like it immensely."</p> + + <p><i>Chorus from Every body</i>. "Why didn't STODDART + swear?"</p> + + <p><i>Answering Echo from the Tipperary Hills</i>. + "Because WALLACK has told him that the public won't stand + it any longer."</p> + + <p>And the public is right. Mr. STODDART is an + exceptionally able actor, but of late he has grown + intolerably coarse and vulgar while on the stage. His + profanity has disgraced himself and the theatre, and his + gratuitous insult to an estimable lady, who had the + misfortune to appear in the same scene with him on Monday + night, should have secured his instant dismissal from the + company, and his perpetual banishment to <i>Tammany</i> + or <i>Tony Pastor's</i>. Let him turn over a new leaf at + once. He does not swear in the present play, and the fact + is creditable to him. He is a gentleman in private life; + let him be a gentleman on the stage. By so doing he will + soon be recognized as one of the best comedians of the + day. And PUNCHINELLO will be the first to praise him when + he lays aside the unnecessary vulgarity with which he has + latterly bid for the applause of the gallery.</p> + + <p>MATADOR.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE RELIGION OF TEMPERANCE.</b></p><span style= + "margin-left: 1em;">Says Poet to Parson—To save men + from drinking,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Not many religions are + good to my thinking;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To be sure a good Baptist + a man of true grace is,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But a Hard Shell, my + brother's the hardest of cases.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your Shouter's too noisy + for temperance talking,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your Come-outer too harsh + for right temperate walking.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">A Quaker's not steady + enough on his beam-ends,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And a Shaker is bad for + <i>delirium tremens</i>.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But of all the hard + drinkers religion has warmed,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To my mind the most + hopeful's the <i>German Reformed</i>.</span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/06.jpg" alt=""> + + <p>THE PET DOGS OF NEW-YORK PRESENT THEIR COMPLIMENTS, + WITH THE ABOVE CUT, TO MR. BERGH, AND REQUEST THAT HE + WILL CUR-TAIL THE SPORTS OF THOUGHTLESS CHILDREN WHO + INSIST UPON PLAYING AT "HORSE" WITH THEM.</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Logical.</b></p> + + <p>One PULLMAN, who preaches the "milk of the word," (not + without gin, PUNCHINELLO supposes,) declares that the + BIBLE is full of lies. Well, according to his own view of + it, PULLMAN must be full of Scripture.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>The Real Fact.</b></p> + + <p>Mr. COLFAX, says the Cincinnati Gazette, intends to + call his new-born son CASABLANCA, the Vice-President + having once "stood on a burning deck," etc. PUNCHINELLO + discovers a shrewder reason. The plain English for + Casablanca is White-House.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Concealed Weapons.</b></p> + + <p>Detroit drunkards, says an exchange, use a stocking + with a stone in it to avoid arrest—just as if a hat + "with a brick in it" were not enough!</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Written With a Steal Pen.</b></p> + + <p>So great is the habit among editors of cribbing from + each other, that if one were to write an article about an + egg another would immediately Poach it.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>The Battle of Hastings.</b></p> + + <p>The fight between the <i>Commercial Advertiser</i> and + THEODORE TILTON.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Triumphs of the Chisel.</b></p> + + <p>The Wall street "busts." Good judges pronounce them + Per Phidias.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>What an Asthmatic Artist can not Draw.</b></p> + + <p>A long breath.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>"The American Working-woman's Union" Most Sought + After.</b></p> + + <p>MARRIAGE.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>The Latest Edition of "Shoo! Fly."</b></p> + + <p>"MOSQUITO" at Niblo's.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE CONGRESSMAN TO HIS CRITICS.</b></p><span style= + "margin-left: 1em;">Well, talk, if you like; I suppose + it's your way;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Each citizen, surely, + should say all his say;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>I</i> did just so, + when I'd nothing to do;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And if <i>I</i> felt like + doing so, why shouldn't <i>you</i>!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">It's republican, + pleasant, and safe, to find fault;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If a man can't do + <i>that</i>, why he's not worth his salt.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And never, since critics + (and fleas) learned their powers,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Was a country more blest + with such vermin than ours.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You've learned much about + your old friend, it is said;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The farther I'm from you, + the plainer I'm read!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">When "one of the people" + comes here to make laws,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The "people" disown him. + Now, what is the cause?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You say I'm not + "dignified." Well, friends—are you?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My language, my manners, + are rough, it is true;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">My tones, and my jokes, + (since you say it,) are coarse;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But very few streams rise + above their own source.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If we're all + "politicians," and they are such trash</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">As you have declared + them, why were you so rash</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">As to give us your votes? + What! will nobody "run"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But a "mere politician?" + Why, then we're undone!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Come, come—this is + nonsense! Be fair, my good sirs!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Let us look at this + question. Suppose it occurs</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That a long, prosy speech + is about to be made;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If you say, "Stay and + hear it," must you be obeyed?</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But ours is a "serious + business." True!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And so are some other + things serious, too!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Such as courtships, and + dinners, and headaches, and blues,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And sight-seeing friends, + whom 'tis death<a name="FNanchor1"></a><a href= + "#Footnote_1"><sup>[1]</sup></a> to refuse!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Now, many of us (though + it should not be said!)</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Are really stupid, and + haven't much head.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We don't take that view + of our duty that <i>you</i> do;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We're often so bothered + we don't know what <i>to</i> do!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Our votes look + decided—as though we did know;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">But that's because BUTLER + or SCHENCK voted so.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Such points may come up, + in the course of the day,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">As would puzzle the + Seraphim some, I should say!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Besides, gentle friends! + did you ever think so?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Perhaps we are paying you + all that we owe.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If you want better + service, why send better men,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And be better yourselves. + It will all be right, then.</span><br> + + <p><a name="Footnote_1"></a><a href= + "#FNanchor1">[1]</a></p> + + <blockquote> + Political death, of course. + </blockquote><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Come on, Ladies!</b></p> + + <p>An Anti-mustache movement has begun in Boston. + PUNCHINELLO to explain that it begins altogether with the + ladies, and is, of course, Right Against the + mustaches.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>For Lunatics Only.</b></p> + + <p>The latest whim of the Lunatics in one of the Indiana + Asylums is the notion that they can design and build + opera-houses. Well, we have lots of crazy architecture, + and more than one gentleman has acknowledged himself + insane for investing in opera-houses. But PUNCHINELLO + thinks that the tastes of the insane would be better + encouraged if directed to the building of Courts of + Justice. Every Court-house thus constructed, would be a + monument to the Plea of Insanity.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">GLIMPSES OF FORTUNE.</p> + + <p>You may not think so, my dear PUNCHINELLO, but it is + true. I have had them. I am not one of your bloated + aristocrats—just at the present moment—but I + know as well as any one what WHITTIER meant when he said + "it might have been." As an instance of this, I will just + state that it has not been a very long time since, in + looking over the columns of one of our principal dailies, + I saw something among the personals which seemed to touch + my interests in, a very decided way. I often look over + the "Personals," for I know well the connection between + fortune and the Press. I have not forgotten the success + of A.T. STEWART and many other millionaires, and their + dependence on the newspapers—but never until that + day had I seen any thing in that mystic column which + could possibly be construed to apply to inc. As for the + rest of the paper, I knew that there was nothing to + interest me there. You see I was after Fortune. The + advertisement to which I refer road as follows:</p> + + <p>"If the gentleman in a dark hat and gray pantaloons, + who, in a Broadway stage, one day last week, passed up + the fare for a lady with blue eyes and high-heeled boots, + will call at 831 Dash street, second floor, he will hear + of something to his advantage. A.R.R."</p> + + <p>Now, it so happened, that during the whole of the + preceding week I had worn a black hat and gray + pantaloons; indeed, I had them on yet, and, to tell the + truth, I had no others. Therefore, this part of the case + was all clear enough. There was no reason why the + gentleman inquired for should not be me. I had certainly + ridden in a stage in the last week, and I remember very + well that I passed up the fare for lady with blue eyes. I + performed a similar service for several ladies; but one + of them, I am sure, had blue eyes. As to the high-heeled + boots I suppose she wore them, but how was I to know + that? At all events it would be a piece of the most + culpable indifference to my welfare to neglect this + chance. Fortune! and through a lady, too! To think of it! + The promised advantage might be great or small, but + whatever it was, it would be most welcome. And the honor, + too! A piece of positive advantage for an act of manly + gallantry!</p> + + <p>I immediately put on that black hat, and with those + identical gray trowsers upon my legs, I strode down to + 321 Dash street, and mounted instantly to the second + floor. As there was but one entrance door from the + stair-way on this floor, I felt certain that I had found + the right place.</p> + + <p>The business of Mr. A.R.R. was evidently a very + profitable one, for his room was quite full of people. I + inquired of a boy for the author of the notice I held in + my hand, (I had carefully cut it from the paper,) and was + informed that this was the right place, and that the + gentleman would see me in a few moments. I took a seat + and regarded the persons who were standing and sitting + about the room. They were all men, and in a few minutes I + discovered, to my great surprise, that they all wore + black hats and gray pantaloons!</p> + + <p>I must admit, that when I made this discovery, I + experienced a very peculiar sensation, as if some one had + suddenly dropped a little ice-water down my back. Was it + possible that all these men were here in answer to that + advertisement, which I considered addressed to me alone? + There were all sorts of them; old gentlemen with heads + grayer than their pants; young fellows who looked like + clerks; and middle-aged men, who seemed like very + respectable heads of families. Was it possible that each + one of those individuals had, in the last week, passed up + the fare of a blue-eyed lady with high-heeled boots? And + did each one of them expect to enjoy that advantage for + which I came here? One thing was certain; they did not + announce to each other their business, but looked at + their watches and tapped their boots, and knitted their + brows as if each one of them had come on very particular + business, which had nothing to do with the affairs of the + general crowd. But all those gray trowsers! There was no + concealing them.</p> + + <p>A door, leading into an adjoining room, now opened + quickly, and Mr. A.R.R. made his appearance. No one + doubted that he was the man, for he bowed politely, and + seemed to expect the company. He was a tall, thin, and + well-dressed man, and held in his hand a small package. + Instantly upon his appearance every man in the room stuck + his thumb and forefinger into his vest pocket, and + pulling out a little piece of printed paper, said, "Sir, + I called—" A.R.R. waved his hand.</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen," said he, "I know why you called, and you + will allow me to remark—"</p> + + <p>"But look here," said a tall man with a blue cravat. + "I think that I am the person you want to see, and as I + am in a hurry, I would like to see you for a few minutes + in private."</p> + + <p>Dozens of angry eyes were now directed upon this + presumptuous individual, and dozens of angry voices were + about to break forth when the benign A.R.R. again waved + his hand.</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen," said he, "I wish to see you all. No one + more than another. I have reason to believe that every + one of you is the person to whom that advertisement + referred. I see you are all gentlemen, and you would not + have made your appearance here had you not fulfilled the + conditions mentioned in the paper."</p> + + <p>Here was a smothered hum, which seemed to precede a + general outbreak, but A.R.R., blandly smiling, + continued:</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen, do not become impatient. What I have to + say is to the advantage of every one of you. You all move + in good society—I can see that—and you + therefore are well aware of some of the penalties of + social pleasures and high living. Consequently, + gentlemen," and now he spoke very fast, as if fearful of + interruption, "you must have, all of you, experienced + some of the evils of indigestion, and it is to relieve + these that I have prepared my Binocular Barberry + Bitters—"</p> + + <p>A roar of rage here broke forth from every man of us, + and a rush was made towards the smiling impostor, but he + quickly slipped through the door behind him, and locked + it in our faces. And then, before we could rush from the + room where we had been so shamefully duped, the head of + A.R.R. appeared at a little window in the partition-wall, + and he called out:</p> + + <p>"Gentlemen, this mixture is, as my initials declare, a + Radical Relief, and retails at one dollar per bottle, I + hope you will take some of my circulars home with you," + and he threw among the crowd the package of circulars + which he had held in his hand.</p> + + <p>This, O friend PUNCHINELLO, was only one of my + Glimpses of Fortune. I may yet see the jade more nearly. + IMPECUNE.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/07.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>"COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS."</b></p> + + <p><i>Fond Mother.</i> "YES, HE'S A PRETTY GOOD BOY, + BUT HE DON'T TAKE TO HIS LETTERS."</p> + + <p><i>Squire.</i> "WELL, HE OUGHTER, FOR HIS MOUTH IS + LIKE THE SLIT OF A POST-OFFICE BOX."</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/08.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>A TABLEAU OF THE DAY.</b></p> + + <p>GENERAL DANA, WHO HAS BROUGHT THE FIRE OF THE "SUN" + TO BEAR UPON EVERY BODY, NOW BEGINS TO REALIZE THE + FORCE OF THE PROVERB—"FOLKS WHO LIVE IN GLASS + HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES."</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE INDIAN QUESTION.</b></p>[AS VIEWED IN THE + WEST.]<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">This is <i>our</i> + business, understand!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You Eastern folks, with + tempers bland</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">All get your views at + second-hand.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We are the ones that take + the brunt</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of every lively + Indian-hunt,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So don't be angry if + we're blunt.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">If any body's scalped + it's <i>us!</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">So we've a well-earned + right to cuss,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And you've <i>no</i> + right to make a fuss.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Talk as you please about + their "rights;"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">That don't include their + coming nights,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And cutting out our lungs + and lights.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You get your wife and + children shot!</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Here it might happen, + like us not,)</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You'll make your mind up + on the spot.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Humanity" 's played out + for <i>you!</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You've got some active + work to do;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">No doubt you'll see it + well put through.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Until you've settled that + small bill,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">(As honorable debtors + will,)</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We fancy you will not + keep still.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">You will admit the tender + plea</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of "broken faith;" but + when you see</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Your Red Skin, you won't + let him be!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Just so with us. We don't + go back</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of <i>our</i> affair! We + were not slack</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">In justice to this + Devil's pack!</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">They settle with the + wrong concern;</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">And as they never, + <i>never'll</i> learn,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">We shoot 'em, and don't + care a <i>dern!</i></span><br> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <p><b>EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY IN + NEW-YORK.</b></p><img src="images/09.jpg" alt=""> + </center> + + <p><b>EDITORIAL WASHING-DAY.</b></p> + + <p>Observe PUNCHINELLO'S Cartoon, in which you shall + behold the editorial laundresses of New-York city having + a washy time of it all around. There is a, shriek of + objurgation in the air, and a flutter of soiled linen on + the breeze. Granny MARBLE, to the extreme left of the + picture, clenches her fists over the pungent suds, and + looks fight at Granny JONES, of the <i>Times</i>. The + beaming phiz of Granny GREELEY looms up between the two, + like the sun in a fog. But the real <i>Sun</i> in a fog + is to be seen to the extreme right. There you behold + Granny DANA, shaking her "brawny bunch of fives" in the + face of Granny YOUNG, whose manner of wringing out the + linen, you will observe, is up to the highest + <i>Standard</i> of that branch of art. Further away, + Granny TILTON flutters her linen with spiteful flourish, + nettled by the vituperation of Granny HASTINGS, who hangs + up her <i>Commercial</i> clothes on the line. The + <i>tableau</i> is an instructive one; and it is to be + hoped that all the U-Lye soaps used by the washerwomen is + used up by this time, and that they will replace it with + some having a sweeter perfume.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>BOOK NOTICES.</b></p> + + <p>MRS. JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. New-York: Charles Scribner + & Company.</p> + + <p>A very cleverly-written narrative, in smooth verse, + detailing the experience of a bride who took to flirting + early in her matrimonial career, but was saved from + coming to grief by the decisive action of a stern + husband. The book contains a capital lesson for the Girl + of the Period, whose follies are satirized in it with a + sharp pen.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>NOTICE.</b></p> + + <p>The attention of the Public is requested to + PUNCHINELLO No. 10, which will be issued upon Thursday, + May 26th. It will be a very brilliant number, illustrated + with flights of fancy by ten comic artists.</p> + + <p>In PUNCHINELLO No. 11 will be commenced a new + burlesque serial, "The Mystery of Mister E. Drood," + written expressly for this paper by the celebrated + humorist, ORPHEUS C. KERR.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/11.jpg" alt="MAKING A HASH OF IT."> + + <p><b>MAKING A HASH OF IT.</b></p> + + <p><i>Customer</i>. "I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GOOD PLACE + WITH MR. ASHE; WHY ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE?"</p> + + <p><i>Cockney Waiter</i>. "FACT IS, SIR, HASHE IS IN + THE 'ABIT OF MAKING USE OF HODIOUS LANGUAGE TO HIS + WAITERS, SIR, AND NO MAN OF HEDUCATION COULD STAND + <i>THAT</i>, SIR, YOU KNOW, SIR."</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>JUMBLES</b>.</p> + + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO, do you know when a woman is + perfection itself? "No." I do. It is when she is from + sixteen to nineteen. Of course you take her judgment. At + sixteen she is the coming flower that has come—the + first Rose of Summer, and about the best that may be + looked for. Her ideas may not be solid, but they are + expansive. Her mind may not make a very great show, but + her hair (real and otherwise) is sure to. She is very + deep in love—with herself. The supremest divinity + is seen when she looks in the mirror. Call her ARABELLA + if you like. ARABELLA is mistress of that portion of the + dictionary which includes the common-place compliments of + society. In her mouth they have a common place, indeed. + Some people call such utterances "stuff," "nonsense," + "puerilities," but nobody is so prejudiced and unreliable + as the above-named some people. They complacently think + they know a thing or two, but that is all it amounts to. + ARABELLA hasn't any doubt about her being perfection. + Unfortunately there is a question about some matters in + this world in politics, religion, morality and other + kindred things, but on the doctrine of perfection, as + applied to her individual self, ARABELLA is clear and + settled. Did any body, she says <i>sotto voce</i>, to + herself, ever put vision on such an ensemble countenance? + Were eyes ever more sparkling? Were ever dimples dimpler? + Had ever peach such artistic hue, and teeth such pearly + pearliness, and lips such positive sweetness, and brow + such loveliness? We suppose not. ARABELLA is eighteen, is + of elastic notions, sees life as a romance, believes the + ground on which she walks ought to be grateful for the + honor, and wonders if every body who goes out don't go + straightway to talking rapturously about her. ARABELLA is + a type—the type of a class of perfectionists. + ARABELLA is neither a worm nor a butterfly, but the + bridge between. For all this ARABELLA believes herself to + be the best of butterflies, with the capacity to fly in + the highest manner. At twenty-five her wings will be + clipped, her colors will modify, her notions renovate, + and her eyes open. She will perceive that the doctrine of + perfection is mythical, and angels upon earth only so in + name.</p> + + <p>Going to church is a good thing. All good people go, + and from good motives, of course. Mrs. BROWN, says a + wicked gossip, goes to show a bonnet; Mrs. JONES her + shawl; Mrs. SMITH her silk; Mrs. JENKINS her gloves and + fan. No sane person believes that these ladies go for any + such purpose. The case isn't presumable. They are nice, + high-toned people, sit in $800 pews, adore Rev. Dr. + CANTWELL, and give very freely (of their husband's money) + to the heathen in the uttermost corners of the earth. + They prefer, good souls, to give to the heathen under the + equator to those under their noses. It is <i>not</i> true + that ladies go to church for the display of dress. It + <i>is</i> true Mrs. JONES does not wish to be outdone by + Mrs. JENKINS, and isn't if STEWART can help it, but she + is a good pious woman of simple tastes, though Mr. J. + thinks she tastes rather often. Going to church is a good + thing for example's sake. It is so nice and strengthening + to reflect that, as the minister preaches piety, and you + practice poetry, (with a pencil in the prayer-book,) you + set an example to the rising generation. One can never do + too much for the rising generation, though it often rises + too frequently and too high. Besides, it encourages the + minister. Only think of talking to emptiness instead of + fulness—to people instead of plush. How can the + dear Rev. SPLURGE SPLUTTER have the heart or tongue to + drop his pearls of eloquence to the swine of empty pews? + And how dreadful for the gifted soprano, Miss SCREECH, to + tune her melodious voice to earless aisles! And then it + is so easy to "set" examples by sitting in soft pews, + doing to church should be a matter of conscience. Every + body not a dolt admits conscience to be a good thing, + though a thing every body cannot boast of possessing. I + like people of conscience—that is, I should like + them if I knew any. It is such a nice thing to talk + about—and how much nicer to have. Mrs. TODD often + wishes "to conscience" she could reach mine. I am sorry + to say that at times Mrs. T. is an irreverent woman. She + doesn't perceive that some where under that hairless, + proud dome of mine there must be a conscience—I may + proudly say, an imposing conscience. I said to Mrs. T. + one day, "I <i>have</i> an imposing conscience," and she + really thought so—adding the cruel expression that + she didn't know of any thing about me but <i>was</i> + imposing, and that she first became aware of the sad fact + when she married me.</p> + + <p>TIMOTHY TODD.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>THE REIGN OF COUPS.</b></p> + + <p>The situation of France is always striking. This is + because its people are always being struck with a + succession of Napoleonic ideas. They labor, for example, + under a constant <i>coup d'etat</i>. Their Press is the + victim of a regular <i>coup de main</i>; their Strikes + are daily evidences of <i>coups de mains</i>; their + Legislature suffers continually from <i>coup de + théâtre</i>; and their Emperor is + perpetually threatened with a <i>coup de grace</i>. The + energies of Frenchmen are not imprisoned; no, they are + only <i>couped</i>.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>ELEVATED STATESMANSHIP—INSOBRIETY THE BEST + POLICY.</b></p> + + <p>Sir JOHN MACDONALD, the Premier of Canada, though an + eccentric leader, is a happy illustration of the most + elevated statecraft. "He has been drunk," says the + Toronto <i>Globe</i>, "for several days, and + incapacitated for public affairs." Considering what + Canadian affairs are (including Sir JOHN,) this does not + follow. Evidently it is not his policy to keep sober. But + Sir JOHN is often drunk, says the <i>Globe</i>; he was + tight before Prince ARTHUR, and he rushes to the bottle + whenever the Fenians give alarm. Now this strikes us as + very good policy. It helps us to see how convenient it + was for Sir JOHN to magnify a few O'BRIENS and + O'SHAUGHNESSYS into an army with green banners, and how + opportunely the Dominion became intoxicated with its + fears.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/12.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>A POWERFUL PROTECTOR.</b></p> + + <p><i>Mother</i>. "WHY, ROSIE, HOW LATE YOU ARE + TO-DAY!"</p> + + <p><i>Rosie</i>. "YES, MA, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. + THERE WAS A POOR LITTLE GIRL AT SCHOOL WHO HAD NO ONE + TO TAKE CARE OF HER, AND SO I HAD TO SEE HER HOME."</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + + <p>Order-Reptilia.</p> + + <p>THE VIPER.</p> + + <p>The supposition that this snake prefers a file to any + other species of nourishment is a vulgar error, and + belongs to the same mendacious category as the stories + that ostriches are fond of ten-penny nails and soldiers + of hard tack. It is true that old files are sometimes + bitten by vipers in localities where these serpents + abound, but in the lizard and hop-toad they usually find + metal more attractive. The viper, when in a state of + repose, is of an olive-brown color; but, if trodden upon, + turns rusty. He is about twenty-four inches in length, as + you may see by applying a two-foot rule to him, but it is + a good rule to keep two feet away from him. As a bosom + friend he is not to be trusted—a fact in natural + history that was discovered many years ago by a green + countryman, who got into a bad box by placing a viper on + his chest. It is a peculiarity of this serpent, that when + held suspended by his posterior extremity he can not + raise his head to a level with his tail. In consequence + of this provision in the economy of nature, he finds it + as impossible to make both ends meet as if he were a + human prodigal. In this respect he presents a marked + contrast to the hoop-snake, which has no more back-bone + than a timid politician, and can put its tail in its + mouth, and roll in any direction with the utmost + facility. The viper was at one time supposed to have an + envenomed tongue, and although this error has been + exploded, it is as well to avoid his jaw if possible, as, + when irritated, he is very snappish.</p> + + <p>This snake, according to some naturalists, is + oviparous, and according to others viviparous; but all + authorities agree that it is viperous in the extreme. + Serpents are generated in various ways; the horse-runner, + for instance, being derived from the fibres of horses' + manes and tails, which probably receive the breath of + life in a mare's nest. That such is the origin of the + horse-runner the reader can verify for himself, by + putting a few horse hairs in a basin of water and + watching them till they begin to squirm. Possibly the + shorter fibres from the <i>caput</i> of an African might + in like manner produce vipers. The experiment is worth + trying. There are several varieties of the species in + this country; the most malignant and treacherous being + the Political Vipers—snakes in the grass—bred + from the spawn of the Original Cockatrices, and a curse + to the land we live in.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>WOMAN IN THE CENSUS.</b></p> + + <p>A fresh blow has been struck at Woman's Rights! + Gallant ladies, eager to cope with figures, have been + compelled to yield to numbers—inferior numbers at + that! Man, the minority, remains the popular tyrant of + population. Women, the majority, don't count, can't count + for any thing—even for women—at least in the + sense of being Census-takers; for General WALKER has + decided that Assistant Marshals LAVINIA PURLEAR and SARAH + BURGOYNE (hear it, shades of NEY and BLUCHER!) are + ineligible to such a warlike title. General WALKER is not + firm in his mind that Marshals PURLEAR and BURGOYNE + [would it be as well to say Marshal WALKER and Generals + PURLEAR and BURGOYNE?] are feminine. "These appear to be + the names of women," he says. Why might they not be the + names of men? Is there no right or reason in these days + of domestic revolution for men to name themselves LAVINIA + and SARAH if they like it, and their wives like it? And + suppose LAVINIA and SARAH that ought to be, or might have + been, choose to call themselves MAHALALEEL and + METHUSALEM—who's to prevent? Why should not the + Rev. Mr.---- style himself Miss NANCY if he pleases? Why + should not the Hon. Mr.---- rechristen himself BETTY if + he has a mind to? H'm! A pretty pass we are coming to if + these women folks who ask men's rights and take men's + names won't lend us theirs! And alas, alas, ye lasses! + What if some-day ye do indeed abstract our census, and + marshal us into helpless minority. What if we have to + disguise ourselves, and shave our beards, and change our + names even to get on the police! Or will ye—ye + bullying Syrens!—grow whiskers and wear pantaloons, + and put us in station-houses, and clear us out of the + Census altogether?</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>A LETTER FROM A FRIEND.</b></p> + + <p>Friend PUNCHINELLO: Thee has doubtless sorrowed, in + spite of thy motley, with those bereft at Richmond. + Circumstances made that disaster a calamity which we have + all felt in common. But thee knows that "Blessings come + often in disguise." Let us find what small comfort we can + in this thought.</p> + + <p>Circumstances, however, alter cases. How different the + feeling—how thin the disguise would have + been—had our Capitol fallen, at Harrisburg! Before + another Session we trust the proper spirit will move some + underpinning there, for the greater good of the + Commonwealth. It was formerly said that "Law is law;" but + not even a Philadelphia lawyer now knows what law is or + what law is not—for "any thing" is law here abouts. + Of one result we may boast, if that be not sinful, we are + ahead of thy wicked city.. Thee had thy delinquent Tax + Collector, <i>but thee has him not</i>. We sorrowed, for + we had him not, but now we rejoice in one whose name + is—not BAILEY—but HILL. We did not want him, + but got him involuntarily, as thee might get the + small-pox.</p> + + <p>Doubtless he will make it more up-Hill work than ever + with our taxes, but, if he would only shoulder them and + be off, what a blessing? For, verily, it cannot be said, + as of old, that a man "heapeth up riches, and knoweth not + who shall gather them."</p> + + <p>But, perhaps, thee pays taxes also? If so, thee can + affirm to the gatherer, as well as thy friend,</p> + + <p>PHINEAS BRODBRIMME.</p> + + <p>Philadelphia, 5th month, 9th day, 1870.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OLD IRON.</b></p> + + <p>Somebody talks of the Iron Men of Congress. Does he + mean the Cast-iron members or the Pig-iron members? For + instance there are the rusty Heavy-weights, and then + there are the fellows who are greedy about Tariff. + Members of the scrap-iron and ten-penny nail order are, + of course, not alluded to. All these are iron men, but, + as every body knows, are not men of Iron. In view of its + rusty legislation and legislators, we recommend Congress + to hang out a sign—"Highest prices paid here for + old iron."</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Bar That!</b></p> + + <p>The Toronto <i>Globe</i> is at present treating the + Premier of the Dominion to a course of lectures, advising + him not to get drunk so often as he does. Now this is too + much to expect, since the gentleman referred to has, by + virtue of his official position, the run of the + Bar.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>CONDENSED CONGRESS.</b></p> + + <p><b>SENATE.</b></p> + + <p><img src="images/13.jpg" align="left" alt="">MR. + MORRILL expressed his views upon what he is pleased, for + MORRILL is mirthful in his heavy way, to designate the + reduction of taxes. He said that we had been for some + time in a state of peace, and our expenses were not so + large as they had been. Therefore he thought we might + leave direct taxation alone. To be sure he was not + prepared to suggest any specific reductions in direct + taxation. But, doubtless, they would be made some day or + other. In the meantime let us pile on the tariff. This + was his notion of reducing taxation. Let the importers + and the consumers who don't like + it—</p><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Learn how + sublime a thing it is</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">To suffer and be + strong.</span><br> + + <p>Then the Senate betook itself to considering an + appropriation for educating the colored infant. Mr. + WILSON strongly approved it, not only on account of the + colored infant, for whose education he did not in a + general way feel any particular solicitude, inasmuch as + the less educated he was, the likelier he would be to + give his voice and vote to him, (Mr. WILSON,) and his + like; but also because the appropriation would provide + for a number of the supernumerary female school-teachers + of Massachusetts, who had become a great trial to him, + and particularly to his colleague, Mr. SUMNER.</p> + + <p>Mr. SUMNER said "that's school," and explained that he + believed he was venerated by the women of Massachusetts, + but that their reverence for him was too great to allow + them to approach him with importunities. Nevertheless, he + was in favor of the bill, as tending to break down the + accursed spirit of caste, and to disseminate throughout + the South the three or more R's which he had so often had + the honor of reverberating throughout the Senate.</p> + + <p>Mr. YATES approved of the bill. It was his general + principle to vote for any thing that looked to the + disbursement of money. He was particularly in favor of + this measure, because he wanted an uniform education for + every body. He didn't want any body else to know more + than himself, and he didn't want to know more than any + body else. (Voices—You don't.) Take spelling. There + was only one correct method of spelling—the one + that he pursued. And yet he had never found any other + person who agreed with him in it. Evidently, this was not + right. He demanded that the children of the country + should be taught to spell on proper principles, so that + his works might be intelligible to posterity, as they + were not to his contemporaries.</p> + + <p>Of course Mr. SUMNER seized the occasion to quote + crowds of authorities on education, which debilitated the + Senate to a dissolution.</p> + + <p><b>HOUSE.</b></p> + + <p>Mr. LYNCH wanted to revive American commerce in behalf + of the ship-builders of Maine. If he were a judge, as a + celebrated namesake of his once was, he would do it by + hanging a majority of members of the House he had the + honor of addressing. In default of that he wanted them to + legislate sensibly upon it.</p> + + <p>Of course nobody paid any attention to the suggestion. + The House did itself credit by refusing one land-grab, + out of a thousand or so submitted.</p> + + <p>Mr. BUTLER actually produced again his bill to annex + San Domingo, and refused to be comforted, because every + body laughed.</p> + + <p>Then came up the Tariff. COVODE said he supposed it + would be admitted that he had as little regard for the + right and wrong of the thing as any body. But this thing + had really gone so far that any man with any regard for + his re-election must protest. Nobody but SCHENCK and + KELLEY cared about the tariff. Every body cared about the + taxes.</p> + + <p>SCHENCK could not regard COVODE with any other + sentiment than disgust. He wanted a duty upon foreign + oysters. The oyster of Long Island and the oyster of + New-Jersey ought not to be trodden down by the pauper + oysters of Europe.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>OUR PORTFOLIO.</b></p> + + <p>Personal advertisements having reference to the + matrimonial exigencies of divers widows, old maids, and + bachelors, are not without their influence upon the + sympathies of the age. Particular attention has been + recently directed toward an announcement made in a + Cleveland paper to the effect that "Two widow ladies, + strangers in Cleveland, wish to form the acquaintance of + a limited number of gentlemen with a view to happy + results. Please address in confidence,—."</p> + + <p>One involuntarily regrets that a prospect thus bounded + by an horizon of "happy results" should have been + confined to a "limited number of gentlemen".</p> + + <p>There is nothing so calculated to impair the + usefulness of what purports to be a purely benevolent + enterprise, as its selfishness. If a widow, or any number + of widows, really possess the means of realizing "happy + results" with a "limited number of gentlemen," they + should either remove the limitation themselves, or make + known the secret to those who would be less sparing of + the joys which it is capable of communicating. A quack + who peddles a valuable remedy upon which he may have + stumbled, and yet refuses to disclose its ingredients for + the benefit of the whole medical fraternity, violates the + <i>esprit du corps</i> of the profession, and is by + general consent deemed a fit person to be kicked out of + it. Therefore, if any widows or single ladies in + Cleveland have knowledge of any "happy results" which + they advertise to share with a limited number of + gentlemen, we shall deem them unworthy of their sex, + unless they explain the process by which these results + are attained, for the benefit of those who are fast + verging toward the autumnal stage of maidenhood.</p> + <hr style="width: 25%;"> + + <p>It may well be doubted whether the thought ever + occurred to ADAM that one day or other a hen would be + charged with the care and custody of a brood of goslings. + The pastimes of Eden were perhaps not favorable to + vaticinations in the line of Natural History, but in the + progress of the world since those most primitive times, + men have come to contemplate the spectacle of that + familiar barn-yard fowl made wretched by the aquatic + propensities of her supposed offspring, without a + particle of astonishment. The wicked and unfeeling even + go so far as to seek amusement in her misery. Her + "ducklings" and other symptoms of maternal agony at + beholding the feathered darlings tempting the dangers of + a neighboring duck-pond, do not move their stony breasts. + On the contrary, they decidedly relish that sort of + thing, and greet with positive hilarity the efforts of + some sympathizing rooster to cheer her. Fie, upon such + natures! If they must have an outlet for their ribaldry, + let them take PUNCHINELLO'S advice and select such + instances as that recently furnished in Sacramento, where + a hen took charge of a nest of kittens, and resolutely + maintained it against the parent cat. Here the case was + different. The hen had become a trespasser. She had no + business with kittens. There was no hypothesis by which + she could claim them as her own. Kittens are not + hereditary in the family of fowls, and she knew it. It + was an usurpation without any pretext of justification. + What would become of us if such a precedent could be + extended to the genus Mammalia? Hundreds of rapacious old + maids would be seizing all sorts and all sizes of babies + from agonized mothers, and asserting for themselves the + hallowed duties of maternity. Our infant days would have + been days of ceaseless motion. We should have been + shuttle-cocked from maiden to mother and from mother to + maiden after a fashion calculated to defeat the wise + purposes of ipecac and paregoric, and to frighten our + natural curls into a state of painful perpendicularity. + The mere presentment of such a possibility, carries its + refutation, and puts the aggressions of this Sacramento + hen in the category of outrages which all society is + banded to suppress. If you must laugh, O generation of + scoffers, make your jokes and gibes the instrument of + protecting the altars of all such feline households as + may be thus assailed.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>Flag and Rag.</b></p> + + <p>What is the difference between a railroad danger + signal and a lost pocket-handkerchief?</p> + + <p>The one is a red flag, the other is a fled + rag.</p><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <center> + <img src="images/14.jpg" alt=""> + + <p><b>SOCIAL SCIENCE.</b></p> + + <p><i>Lecturer.</i> "THERE IS A CUMULATIVE + APPROXIMATIVENESS, SO TO SPEAK, A PERIOD WHEN THE + RECALCITRANT CORPUSCLES BEGIN TO "—</p> + + <p><i>Stenographer.</i> "CON-FOUND THE FELLOW! I KNEW + HE'D BREAK MY PENCIL WITH HIS INFERNAL + JAW-SMASHERS!"</p> + </center><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + <br> + + <p><b>FOREIGN CORRESPONDENCE.</b></p> + + <p>[BY ATLANTIC CABLE.]</p> + + <p>ROME.</p> + + <p>Being uneasy about our agent's course at the Vatican, + I have come over to Rome to see about it. He is an + Irishman, with a little of Father TOM in him, and has got + into a "controversy" with his Holiness about + infallibility. Our African bishop (otherwise PHELIM + BURKE) insists that PUNCHINELLO is infallible! The Pope + says this is ridiculous! Father PHELIM replies that + "there are two that can play that same game." I found + them in the midst of this when ANTONELLI ushered me into + the Papal presence. PIUS was up on his feet, talking + Latin like a crack student of the Propaganda. PHELIM had + his sleeves rolled up. ANTONELLI, with a "<i>Pax + vobiscum</i>" got the two contending powers quieted down; + and, after a proper salutation from me, we began our + talk. His Holiness is not much on English. Says he, "I + speak vat-I-can English." Had he said <i>non possumus</i> + to it, it would have been better. However, PHELIM + translated him; so we got on.</p> + + <p>"Your Holiness enjoys, I hope, a good + constitution?"</p> + + <p>"The <i>constitutio de fide</i> is, indeed, very good. + Catholics must every where subscribe to it."</p> + + <p>"Dr. DÕLLINGER, I trust, don't disturb your + appetite?" "<i>Anathema maranatha!</i>" which means (said + PHELIM,) "Oh no, I never mention him." Whereupon PHELIM, + who had breakfasted on gin-and-milk, began to hum that + tune. I at once trod upon his toe, and he stopped.</p> + + <p>"On the whole, what does your Holiness think of the + prospect?"</p> + + <p>"From this window, it is very fine. But I'm getting a + little dim-sighted.</p> + + <p>"Don't you see that crowd of people coming up?"</p> + + <p>"No I don't—it's only a herd of cattle from the + Campagna."</p> + + <p>"Take my glass. There, now; don't you see, I am + right?"</p> + + <p>"Yes," and the old man crossed himself, "It is so; I + was mistaken."</p> + + <p>"Thrue for you!" gobbled out PHELIM; "we've got to + make a note of that! PUNCHINELLO never made the likes of + a mistake!"</p> + + <p>"But, <i>what's in your glass?</i> I see strange men + there. GARIBALDI, and MAZZINI, and HYACINTHE, + STROSSMEYER, DÕLLINGER, DUPANLOUP, and CUMMING, + all together! I see a troop of schoolmasters; a larger + one of newspaper-venders; and a whole army of + <i>colporteurs</i>, each with a bag of Bibles on his + back! And, what do I see? They enter ST. PETER'S; they + leave the door wide open. Did I hear it? They are singing + LUTHER'S Hymn!"</p> + + <p>The old man fell now into his seat, and I took the + glass from him. "Only one of his attacks," said + ANTONELLI. "He is not quite so strong as he was." "Thrue + again," said PHELIM. With that sense of propriety for + which your representative has over been distinguished, I + took PHELIM by the arm and retired.</p> + + <p>Poor Pius! He means well, and if we only had him for a + while out West, where I came from, we might make + something sensible out of him yet. But, when a man will + live so far away from the Rocky Mountains as away over + here, what can be expected? We can't civilize the whole + world at once.</p> + + <p>Father PHELIM, by the way, is to be proposed as the + new King of Spain. His father's uncle's second cousin by + the mother's side partook of a good deal of BOURBON. + That's reason enough, you know especially as they only + want a King LOG.</p> + + <p>FRANCE.</p> + + <p>Those infernal machines, so called, with—which + the Emperor was supposed to be about to be blown up, turn + out to have been pewter plates. Out of one of them the + bottom had been cut, and the edges rolled up; and this + gave rise to a terrible suspicion. Two thousand people + have been arrested in consequence.</p> + + <p>That <i>Press Ass</i> has been at his blunders again. + He telegraphed to me that a conspiracy was afloat to + enact a kind of petticoat government. He meant to tell me + some gossip about Madame PATTI-CAUX. Then he wanted me to + believe that the "smaller catechism" talked about at Rome + was the catechizing of SMALLEY of the Tribune, concerning + GUSTAVE FLOURENS. That man never will learn. + PRIME.</p><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS IN</b></p> + + <p><small>READY-MADE PARIS AND DOMESTIC SILK, POPLIN, + BAREGE, MUSLIN, PIQUE, + LINEN</small></p><small><span style= + "margin-left: 0.5em;">AND</span><br></small> + + <p><small>LAWN DRESSES.</small></p> + + <p><b>Paris-Made Silk Sacks and Cosacks. <span style= + "margin-left: 0.25em;">Ladies' Embroidered + Breakfast</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Jackets.</span></b></p> + + <p><small>A CHOICE VARIETY OF LADIES' UNDERWEAR, + ETC.</small></p> + + <p><small>PARIS AND DOMESTIC MADE</small> <b>LADIES' + HATS, BONNETS, FEATHERS, FLOWERS, TRIMMING RIBBONS,</b> + <i>Magnificent Sash Ribbons, Velvet Ribbons, etc., + etc.</i></p> + + <p><big><big><b>A. T. Stewart & + Co.,</b></big></big><br> + BROADWAY,<br> + Fourth Ave., Ninth and Tenth Sts.</p> + </td> + + <td rowspan="4" style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>SPECIAL<br> + <br></big></big></big></p> + + <p> + <big><big><big><big><b>PUNCHINELLO<br></b></big></big></big></big></p> + + <p> + <big><big><big><big><b> PREMIUMS.</b></big></big></big></big></p> + + <p>By special arrangement with</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>L. PRANG + & CO.,</big></big></big></p> + + <p>We offer the following Elegant Premiums for new + Subscribers to</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"> + <big><big>PUNCHINELLO:</big></big></p> + + <p><big><big><b>"Awakening."</b></big></big> (A Litter of + Puppies.) Half Chromo, size, 8-3/8 by 11-1/8, price + $2.00, and a copy of PUNCHINELLO for one year, for + $4.00.<br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + "Wild Roses."</span></big></big> Chromo, 12-1/8 by 9, + price $3.00, or any other $3.00 Chromo, and a copy of the + paper for one year for $5.00.</p> + + <p><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"The Baby + in Trouble."</span></big></big> Chromo, 13 by 16-1/4, + price $6.00 or any other at $6.00, or any two Chromos at + $3.00, and a copy of the paper for one year, for + $6.00.</p> + + <p><big><big><b>"Sunset,</b>--<b>California + Scenery,"</b></big></big> after A. Bierstadt, 18-1/8 by + 12, price $10.00, or any other $10.00 Chromo, and a copy + of the paper for one year for $10.00. Or the four + Chromos, and four copies of the paper for one year in one + order, for clubs of FOUR, for $23.00.</p> + + <p>We will send to any one a printed list of L. PRANG + & CO.'S Chromos, from which a selection can be made, + if the above is not satisfactory, and are prepared to + make special terms for clubs to any amount, and to + agents.</p> + + <p>Postage of paper is payable at the office where + received, twenty cents per year, or five cents per + quarter in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed + free</i> on receipt of money.</p> + + <p>Remittances should be made in P. O. Orders, Drafts, or + Bank Checks on New-York, or Registered letters. The paper + will be sent from the first number, (April 2d, 1870,) + when not otherwise ordered.</p> + + <p>Now is the time to subscribe, as these Premiums will + be offered for a limited time only. On receipt of a + postage-stamp we will send a copy of No. 1 to any one + desiring to get up a club.</p> + + <p><big>Address</big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>PUNCHINELLO + PUBLISHING CO.,</big></big></p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P.O. Box 2783.</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">No. 83 Nassau Street, + New-York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>A. T. STEWART & + CO.</b></big></big><br> + ARE OFFERING<br> + <b>100 pieces Plaid and Striped + Spring</b></p><span style="margin-left: 0.25em;"><b>SILKS.</b></span> + + <p><b>100 pieces Grisaille Silks.</b></p> + + <p><small>ROUBAIX SILKS, HIGH LUSTER, ESPECIALLY ADAPTED + TO SUMMER WEAR.</small></p> + + <p>FRESH GOODS, JUST RECEIVED. $1.50 and $1.75 per + yard.</p> + + <p>A LARGE LOT OF JOB SILKS OF AN EXTRA QUALITY AND + LUSTER, <b>From $1 PER YARD UPWARD;</b></p> + + <p>LESS THAN HALF THEIR COST.</p> + + <p>PLAIN BLACK TAFFETAS, GROS GRAINS, FAILLE, etc., + etc.</p> + + <p><b>At Greatly Reduced Prices.</b></p> + + <p>MOIRE ANTIQUE SILKS, WIDE, ONLY $3 PER YARD.</p> + + <p>PARIS CHAMBERY GAUZES, 70¢. PER YARD, UPWARD.</p> + + <p>CREPES DE CHINE FOR DRESSES AND TRIMMINGS, ONLY $3.75 + PER YARD.</p> + + <p>BROADWAY,<br> + 4th Ave., 9th and 10th Sts.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>A. T. STEWART & CO.</b></big></p> + + <p><small>ARE RECEIVING BY STEAMERS, etc.,</small></p> + + <p><b>NEWEST AND LATEST DESIGNS IN<br> + MOQUETTES, AXMINSTERS, ROYAL WILTONS, BODY BRUSSELS, + Crossley's Velvets, Tapestry Brussels, etc., etc.</b></p> + + <p><small>AND THEY HAVE OPENED<br> + THEIR LAST PARCEL</small><br> + <small>OF</small><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH BODY + BRUSSELS,</span><br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT $2 PER + YARD,</span></small><br> + <b>ROYAL WILTONS, <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;"><br> + <small>$2.50 AND $3 PER YARD,</small></span><br> + AXMINSTERS, <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;"><br> + <small>$2.50 AND $4 PER YARD.</small></span></b></p> + + <p><small>To which they particularly request the + attention of their customers and the public.</small></p> + + <p><small>HOUSEKEEPING GOODS IN EVERY VARIETY, AT VERY + POPULAR PRICES.</small></p> + + <p><b>BROADWAY,</b><br> + Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><b>A.T. Stewart & + Co.</b></big></big></p> + + <p><small>HAVE REPLENISHED ALL THEIR POPULAR STOCK OF + DRESS GOODS, AT 25¢. PER YARD AND UPWARD.</small></p> + + <p><small>THE BEST IN <b>QUALITY</b> AND LOWEST IN PRICE + YET OFFERED.</small></p> + + <p>BROADWAY,<br> + Fourth Avenue, Ninth and Tenth Streets.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table> + + <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="66%" rowspan="3"> + <center> + <img src="images/16.jpg" alt= + "GREAT BARE-BACK PERFORMANCE BY THE STAR EQUESTRIENNE."> + + <p><b>"GREAT BARE-BACK PERFORMANCE BY THE STAR + EQUESTRIENNE."</b></p> + + <p><i>Rural Old Lady</i>. "BARE-BACK, + INDEED!—THAT'S NO WORD FOR IT, MY DEAR!"</p> + </center> + </td> + + <td align="center"> + <b>"The Printing House of the United States."</b> + + <p><big><big><b>GEO. F. NESBITT & + CO.,</b></big></big></p> + + <p>General <b>JOB PRINTERS,</b><br> + BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> + STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> + LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers,<br> + COPPER-Plate Engravers and Printers,<br> + CARD Manufacturers,<br> + FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.</p> + + <p><b>163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST., 73, 75, 77, and + 79 PINE ST., New-York.</b></p> + + <p>Advantages. All on the same premises, and under + immediate supervision of the proprietors.</p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b style= + "font-family: helvetica,arial,sans-serif;">Bowling Green + Savings-Bank,</b><br> + 33 BROADWAY,</p> + + <p style="font-weight: bold;">NEW-YORK.</p> + + <p>Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + + <p>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents to Ten Thousand + Dollars, will be received.</p> + + <p>Six Per Cent Interest, Free of Government Tax.</p> + + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">INTEREST ON NEW + DEPOSITS</span> Commences on the first of every + month.</p> + + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i>.<br> + REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>. WALTER ROCHE,<br> + EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents.</i></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>SARATOGA "A" SPRING WATER</b>.</p> + + <p><small><b>A POSITIVE CURE FOR HEADACHES A GREAT REMEDY + FOR INDIGESTION AND DYSPEPSIA.—</b>Keeps the blood + cool and regulates the stomach. Persons subject to + headache can insure themselves freedom from this malady + by drinking it liberally in the morning before + breakfast.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small><b>PRANG'S CHROMOS</b> are celebrated for + their close resemblance to oil paintings. Sold in all + Art Stores throughout the world.</small></p> + + <p><small><b>PRANG'S LATEST CHROMOS</b>: "Four Seasons" + by J.M. Hart. Illustrated Catalogues sent free on + receipt of stamp by</small></p> + + <p><b>L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><b>PROSPECTUS OF</b></p> + + <p><big><big><big><big><b>POMEROY'S + DEMOCRAT.</b></big></big></big></big></p> + + <p><big><big><big><b>FOR 1870</b></big></big></big></p> + + <p style="font-style: italic;"><b>UNPARALLELED + INDUCEMENTS FOR SUBSCRIBERS</b></p> + </center> + + <p>POMEROY'S DEMOCRAT for 1870 will be the best newspaper + ever printed. It has now a larger circulation than ever + before—the largest circulation of any political + paper ever printed, and is now so firmly established it + can not by any possible means fail.</p> + + <p>Mr. Pomeroy, Editor and Proprietor, will devote his + entire time and attention to editorial and literary labor + for <b>THE DEMOCRAT</b> alone, each week adding to the + power, interest, worth, and variety of the reading matter + it will contain. With the people to back + him—abundant means of his own at his disposal, he + is devoting his life to this paper, the people who + support it, the cause it advocates, and the principles it + defends, without fear, favor, or hope for reward.</p> + + <p>Read the terms and inducements!</p> + + <div style="text-align: left;"></div> + + <p>In addition to its political worth, <b>THE + DEMOCRAT</b> will each week contain:</p> + + <p>Pomeroy's Saturday Night Chapters. Letters of + Correspondence. Editorials on different topics. Pomeroy's + Social Chat with Friends. Terrance McGrant's Letters. + Full Market Produce, and Money Reports. A Splendid + Masonic Department. Happenings Here and There. Brief + Items of Satire, News, Sarcasm, and Burlesque. + Discriptive Letters of Travels. Occasional "Pomeroy + Pictures of New York Life." A First-Class Agricultural + Department.</p> + + <p>In short, everything to make it the best and most + readable paper in the United States.</p> + + <p>Politically it will be Democratic—red-hot and + reliable earnest and continuous in its war against the + bonded interest of the country, and determined in its + labors for that earnest Democracy, which believes in the + <i>restoration</i> and not the <i>reconstruction</i> of + the Government.</p> + + <p>Thankful to those who, in every State of the Union, + and almost every county of the United States, have so + generously sustained <b>THE DEMOCRAT</b> before its + removal to New-York, and since, we offer the following + premiums—as an evidence of gratitude to those who + forward from time to time subscribers:</p> + + <p><b>SINGLE COPIES,</b> per year ... $2.50</p> + + <p><b>TEN COPIES.</b> one year to one post-office (we + writing the names of subscribers on each paper), and one + copy for the year to the one who sends us the club ... + $20.00</p> + + <p><b>TWENTY COPIES.</b> one year to one post-office (we + writing the names of subscribers on each paper), with an + extra copy for the year, and a copy of each of Pomeroy's + two books, "Sense," and "Nonsense," to the getter-up of + the club ... $40.00</p> + + <p><b>THIRTY COPIES.</b> one year to one post-office (we + writing the names of subscribers on each paper), with two + extra copies for the year, and a copy of each of + Pomeroy's two books, "Sense," and "Nonsense," and + "Saturday Night," just published to the getter-up of the + club ... $60.00</p> + + <p>WILCOX AND GIBBS SEWING MACHINES AS PREMIUMS</p> + + <p>For fifty-six subscribers, with $112, a $56 + machine.</p> + + <p>For sixty subscribers, with $120, a $60 machine.</p> + + <p>For sixty-five subscribers, with $130, a $65 + machine.</p> + + <p>For one-hundred subscribers, with $200, a $100 + machine.</p> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><big><b>IMPORTANT + NOTICE</b></big></p> + + <p>If you can not conveniently raise subscribers enough to + entitle you to a machine, as a premium, send what you + can, with two dollars for each subscriber so sent, and + the balance in cash for such priced machine as you so + desire, when the paper and the machine will be sent as + directed.</p> + + <p>For example, where thirty subscribers and $60 are + sent, it will require $26 in cash in addition to the + subscription money to purchase a $56 machine; or, for + forty subscribers and $80, sixteen dollars additional + will be required to purchase the same priced machine, and + son in proportion.</p> + + <p>We offer these unrivalled machines, believing them to + be the simplest, most durable, useful, and desirable + sewing machines in the world, with a view to giving + workingmen, or deserving woman a chance to obtain a + machine for much less money than in any other possible + way.</p> + + <p>There is hardly a township in the United States, but a + person can, in a day or two, earn for himself a family + machine, actually worth the price asked for it—the + same as sold at, when purchased of Wilcox & Gibbs, + the manufactures.</p> + + <p>In many cases a few gentlemen might, by sending their + names to us as subscribers, receive for themselves <b>THE + DEMOCRAT</b> each week, and a machine for some poor widow + or other deserving woman, thus giving her the power to + care for herself and family, and live independant.</p> + + <p>Each machine we send out will be <i>perfect</i>, and + of the very best.</p> + + <p>Address all letters on business connected with the + office to C.P. Sykes, Publisher, P.O. Box 5,217, New-York + City.</p> + + <p>Letters on political matters should be addressed to + M.M. Pomeroy, and if the writer wishes them to be seen + only by the person to whom they are address, they should + be marked private, when, if Mr. Pomeroy is not in the + city, they will be forwarded to him immediately by mail, + express, or special messenger.</p> + + <p>In ordering papers, be careful to write the names of + subscribers with the post-office, county, and state very + plain, that there may be no mistakes in entering names or + forwarding papers.</p> + + <p>Retail price of the paper when sold by newsdealers or + newsboys, <b>SIX CENTS</b></p> + + <p>Additions can be made to clubs at $2 per year.</p> + + <p><i>Specimen Copies sent free</i></p> + + <p>In forwarding sums of money for clubs of subscribers, + drafts or money orders should always be used, as, if lost + or stolen, they can be duplicated, and no financial loss + will be sustained by the parties interested.</p><br> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><b>C.P. SYKES, Publisher, + Box 5,217, New-York City.</b></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> + </table><br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> + + <p style="text-align: center;"><small>S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER + JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.</small></p><br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 9, May 28, +1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 9 *** + +***** This file should be named 10013-h.htm or 10013-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/1/10013/ + +Produced by Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and PG Distributed Proofreaders + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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