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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/9926-8.txt b/9926-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2a400d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/9926-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14427 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Two Guardians, by Charlotte Mary Yonge + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Two Guardians + +Author: Charlotte Mary Yonge + +Posting Date: November 12, 2011 [EBook #9926] +Release Date: February, 2006 +First Posted: October 31, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + + + + +Produced by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and +the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + + +THE TWO GUARDIANS + +or, HOME IN THIS WORLD + +by CHARLOTTE MARY YONGE + +THE AUTHOR OF "THE HEIR OF REDCLYFFE," "HENRIETTA'S WISH," "KENNETH," +"HEARTSEASE," "THE CASTLE BUILDERS," ETC. + +1871 + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Stay here, Marian! I don't care if all the world heard +me."] + + + +PREFACE. + + +In putting forth another work, the Author is anxious to say a few words +on the design of these stories; not with a view to obviate criticism, +but in hopes of pointing to the moral, which has been thought not +sufficiently evident, perhaps because it has been desired to convey, +rather than directly inculcate it. + +Throughout these tales the plan has been to present a picture of +ordinary life, with its small daily events, its pleasures, and its +trials, so as to draw out its capabilities of being turned to the best +account. Great events, such as befall only a few, are thus excluded, +and in the hope of helping to present a clue, by example, to the +perplexities of daily life, the incidents, which render a story +exciting, have been sacrificed, and the attempt has been to make the +interest of the books depend on character painting. + +Each has been written with the wish to illustrate some principle which +may be called the key note. "Abbeychurch" is intended to show the need +of self-control and the evil of conceit in different manifestations; +according to the various characters, "Scenes and Characters" was meant +to exemplify the effects of being guided by mere feeling, set in +contrast with strict adherence to duty. In "Henrietta's Wish" the +opposition is between wilfulness and submission--filial submission as +required, in the young people, and that of which it is a commencement as +well as a type, as instanced in Mrs. Frederick Langford. The design of +the "Castle Builders" is to show the instability and dissatisfaction of +mind occasioned by the want of a practical, obedient course of daily +life; with an especial view to the consequences of not seeking strength +and assistance in the appointed means of grace. + +And as the very opposite to Emmeline's feeble character, the heroine +of the present story is intended to set forth the manner in which a +Christian may contend with and conquer this world, living in it but not +of it, and rendering it a means of self-renunciation. It is therefore +purposely that the end presents no great event, and leaves Marian +unrecompensed save by the effects her consistent well doing has +produced on her companions. Any other compensation would render her +self-sacrifice incomplete, and make her no longer invisibly above the +world. + +_October 14th_, 1852. + + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + "With fearless pride I say + That she is healthful, fleet, and strong + And down the rocks will leap along, + Like rivulets in May." + + WORDSWORTH. + + +Along a beautiful Devonshire lane, with banks of rock overhung by tall +bowery hedges, rode a lively and merry pair, now laughing and talking, +now summoning by call or whistle the spaniel that ran by their side, or +careered through the fields within the hedge. + +The younger was a maiden of about twelve years old, in a long black and +white plaid riding-skirt, over a pink gingham frock, and her dark hair +hidden beneath a little cap furnished with a long green veil, which +was allowed to stream behind her in the wind, instead of affording the +intended shelter to a complexion already a shade or two darkened by the +summer sun, but with little colour in the cheeks; and what there was, +only the pale pink glow like a wild rose, called up for the moment +by warmth and exercise, and soon to pass away. Still there was no +appearance of want of health; the skin was of a clear, soft, fresh shade +of brown; the large dark eyes, in spite of all their depth of melancholy +softness, had the wild, untamed animation of a mountaineer; the face and +form were full of free life and vigour, as she sat erect and perfectly +at ease on her spirited little bay pony, which at times seemed so lively +that it might have been matter of surprise to a stranger that so young a +horsewoman should be trusted on its back. + +Her companion was a youth some ten or eleven years her senior, +possessing a handsome set of regular features, with a good deal of +family likeness to hers; dark eyes and hair, and a figure which, though +slight, was rather too tall to look suitable to the small, stout, strong +pony which carried him and his numerous equipments, consisting of a long +rod-case, a fishing-basket and landing-net, in accordance with the lines +of artificial flies wreathed round his straw hat, and the various oddly +contrived pockets of his grey shooting-coat. + +In the distance at the end of the lane there appeared two walking +figures. "Mrs. Wortley!" exclaimed the young lady. + +"No, surely not out so soon!" was the answer. "She is in the depth of +lessons." + +"No, but Edmund, it is, look, and Agnes too! There, Ranger has better +eyes than you; he is racing to them." + +"Well, I acknowledge my mistake," said Edmund, drawing up his rein as +they came upon the pair,--a pleasing lady, and a pretty blue-eyed girl +of fourteen. "I did not believe my eyes, Mrs. Wortley, though Marian +tried to persuade me. I thought you were always reading Italian at this +time in the morning, Agnes". + +"And I thought you were reading Phædrus with Gerald," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"Ay," said Agnes, "we did not know what to make of you coming up the +lane; you with your lance there, like the Red Cross Knight himself, and +Marian with her palfry for Una." + +"The knight must have borrowed the dwarf's ass," said Edmund, laughing, +and putting his lance in rest. + +"And where have you been, then, at this portentous time of day, Agnes?" +asked Marian. + +"We heard a report of Betty Lapthorn's child having another fit," said +Agnes, "and set off to see; but it turned out to be a false alarm. And +now we are going up to the Manor House to ask Lady Arundel if she has +any arrowroot for it, for ours is all used up." + +"Shall we find her at leisure?" added Mrs. Wortley. + +"Yes," said Marian. "Gerald has finished his lessons by this time. +Mamma thought it would be too far for him to go with us, and besides he +frightens the fish." + +"Which you are in too good training to do, Marian," said Mrs. Wortley. +"And how is your papa to-day?" + +"Oh, it is a good day," said Marian: "he was up before we set off." + +"Down stairs? For perhaps we had better not go now, just after he is +tired with coming down," said Mrs. Wortley. "Now, Mr. Arundel, you will +tell me honestly, and this arrowroot will do just as well another time; +or if Marian will carry home the message--" + +"Well," said Edmund, smiling, "to give you a proof of my sincerity, I +think you had better perhaps go rather later in the day. My uncle very +unnecessarily hurried himself, thinking that he was keeping me waiting +to help him down stairs, and I thought he seemed rather tired; but he +will be very glad to see you in the afternoon. Indeed, he would be very +glad now, only you asked me as a question of prudence." + +"Don't make civil speeches at the end to spoil just such a reply as I +wanted," said Mrs. Wortley. "I am afraid you do not think Sir Edmund +much better since you were last at home." + +Edmund shook his head. "If he has not lost ground, it is well," said he, +"and I think at least there is less pain." + +"Well, I will not keep you any longer," said Mrs. Wortley; "good-bye, +and good sport to you." + +And with a wave of the hand on rode the two cousins, Edmund and Marian +Arundel. + +"What an excellent thing it is for the village that those Wortleys are +come!" said Edmund. + +"Yes; now that mamma cannot attend much to the school and poor people, I +don't know what we should do without them. How different it was in old +Mr. May's time! I hope we shall get the Church set to rights now, when +papa is well enough to attend to it." + +"It is high time, certainly," said Edmund; "our Church is almost a +disgrace to us, especially with the Arundel aisle, to show what our +ancestors did." + +"No, not quite to us," said Marian; "you know papa would have done it +all long ago, if the idea had not vexed poor old Mr. May so much. But +Ranger! Ranger! where is Ranger, Edmund?" + +Edmund whistled, and presently, with whirring, rushing wing, there flew +over the hedge beside them a covey of partridges, followed by Ranger's +eager bark. Marian's pony started, danced, and capered; Edmund watched +her with considerable anxiety, but she reined it in with a steady, +dexterous, though not a strong hand, kept her seat well, and rode on in +triumph, while Edmund exclaimed, "Capital, Marian!" Then looking back, +"What a shot that was!" he added in a sort of parenthesis, continuing, +"I am proud, Mayflower is not a bit too much for you now, though I think +we must have given her up if you had had another tumble." + +"Oh, no, no, I do so delight in Mayflower, pretty creature!" said +Marian, patting her neck. "I like to feel that the creature I ride is +alive--not an old slug, like that animal which you are upon, Edmund." + +"That is decidedly ungrateful of you, Marian, when you learnt to ride +upon this identical slug, and owe the safety of your neck to its quiet +propensities. Now take care down this stony hill; hold her up well--that +is right." + +Care was certainly needed as they descended the steep hill side; the +road, or rather pathway, cut out between high, steep, limestone rocks, +and here and there even bare of earth. Any one but a native would have +trembled at such a descent but though the cousins paid attention to +their progress, they had no doubts or alarms. At the bottom a clear +sparkling stream traversed the road, where, for the convenience of foot +passengers, a huge flat stone had been thrown across from one high bank +to the other, so as to form a romantic bridge. Marian, however, did not +avail herself of it, but rode gallantly through the shallow water, only +looking back at it to observe to Edmund, "We must make a sketch of that +some day or other." + +"I am afraid we cannot get far enough off," said Edmund, "to make a good +drawing of it. Too many things go to the making of the picturesque." + +"Yes, I know, but that is what I never can understand. I see by woeful +experience that what is pretty in itself will not make a pretty drawing, +and everyone says so; but I never could find out why." + +"Perhaps because we cannot represent it adequately." + +"Yes, but there is another puzzle; you sometimes see an exact +representation, which is not really a picture at all. Don't you know +that thing that the man who came to the door did of our house,--the +trees all green, and the sky all blue, and the moors all purple?" + +"As like as it can stare; yes, I know." + +"Well, why does that not satisfy us? why is it not a picture?" + +"Because it stares, I suppose. Why does not that picture of my aunt +at Mrs. Week's cottage satisfy you as well as the chalk sketch in the +dining-room?" + +"Because it has none of herself--her spirit." + +"Well, I should say that nature has a self and a spirit which must be +caught, or else the Chinese would be the greatest artists on the face of +the earth." + +"Yes, but why does an archway, or two trees standing up so as to +enclose the landscape, or--or any of those things that do to put in the +foreground, why do they enable you to make a picture, to catch this self +and spirit." + +"Make the phial to enclose the genie," said Edmund. "Abstruse questions, +Marian; but perhaps it is because they contract the space, so as to +bring it more to the level of our capacity, make it less grand, and more +what we can get into keeping. To be sure, he would be a presumptuous man +who tried to make an exact likeness of that," he added, as they reached +the top of the hill, and found themselves on an open common, with here +and there a mass of rock peeping up, but for the most part covered with +purple heath and short furze, through which Ranger coursed, barking +joyously. The view was splendid, on one side the moors rising one +behind the other, till they faded in grey distance, each crowned with +a fantastic pile of rocks, one in the form of a castle, another of +a cathedral, another of a huge crouching lion, all known to the two +cousins by name, and owned as familiar friends. On the other side, +between two hills, each surmounted by its own rocky crest, lay nestled +in woods the grey Church tower and cottages of the village of Fern Torr; +and far away stretched the rich landscape of field, wood, and pasture, +ending at length in the blue line of horizon, where sky and sea seemed +to join. + +"Beautiful! how clear!" was all Marian's exclamation, though she drew +up her horse and gazed with eager eyes, and a deep feeling of the +loveliness of the scene, but with scarcely a remark. There was something +in the sight which made her heart too full for words. + +After a time of delighted contemplation, Ranger was summoned from a +close investigation of a rabbit-hole, and turning into a cart track, +the cousins rode down the side of the hill, where presently appeared +an orchard full of gnarled old apple trees, covered with fruit of all +shades of red, yellow, and green. A little further on were the large +stone barns, and picturesque looking house, which enclosed a farm-yard +strewn with heaps of straw, in which pigs, poultry, and red cows were +enjoying themselves. The gate was opened by a wild-looking cow-boy, who +very respectfully touched his cap; and at the house door appeared a nice +elderly looking old fashioned farmer's wife, who came forward to meet +them with bright looks of cordiality, and kindly greetings to Master +Edmund and Miss Marian. + +"Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund, as he held +Marian's pony; "we are come to ask if you will give our ponies stable +room for a couple of hours, while we go fishing up the river." + +"O yes, certainly, sir, but won't you come in a little while and rest? +it is a long walk for Miss Marian." + +They did comply with her invitation so far as to enter the large clean +kitchen; the kitchen for show, that is to say, with the sanded floor, +the bunch of evergreens in the covered kitchen-range, the dark old +fashioned clock, the bright range of crockery, and well polished oaken +table; and there, while Marian laid aside her riding-skirt, the good +woman commenced her anxious inquiries for Sir Edmund. + +"Pretty much the same as usual, thank you," said Edmund. + +"No better, then, sir? Ah! I was afraid how it was; it is so long since +I have seen him at church, and he used to come sometimes last summer: +and my husband said when he saw him last week about the rent, he was so +fallen away that he would hardly have known him." + +"It has been a very long illness," said Edmund. + +"Yes, sir; I do wish we could see him about among us again, speaking as +cheerful as he used." + +"Why he is very cheerful now, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund. "No one +who only heard him talk would guess how much he has to suffer." + +Mrs. Cornthwayte shook her head with a sort of gesture of compassionate +admiration, and presently added, + +"But do you think he gets better on the whole, Master Edmund? Do the +doctors say there is much likelihood of his being well again, and coming +among us?" + +Edmund looked down and did not reply very readily. "I am afraid we must +not hope for that; we must be satisfied as long as he does not lose +ground, and I certainly think he has had less pain of late." + +A little more conversation passed between Edmund and the good wife, and +a few words from Marian; after which they set off across one or two +fields towards the place of their destination, Marian carrying her +little sketching-basket in silence for some distance, until she suddenly +exclaimed, "Edmund, is papa really getting worse?" + +"Why should you think so, Marian?" + +"I don't know, only from what you say when people inquire after him; and +sometimes when I come to think about it, I believe he can do less than +last year. He gets up later, and does not go out so often, and now you +say he will never get quite well, and I always thought he would." + +"No, I am afraid there is no likelihood of that, Marian: the doctors say +he may be much better, but never quite well." + +"But do you think he is better?" + +"He has had less suffering of late, certainly, and so far we must be +thankful; but, as you say, Marian, I am afraid he is weaker than last +time I was at home, and I thought him much altered when I came. Still I +do not think him materially worse, and I believe I might have thought +him improved, if I had been here all the winter." + +Marian became silent again, for her disposition was not to express her +feelings readily, and besides, she was young enough to be able to put +aside anxiety which, perhaps, she did not fully comprehend. It was the +ordinary state of things for her father to be unwell, and his illness +scarcely weighed upon her spirits, especially on a holiday and day of +pleasure like the present; for though she often shared Edmund's walks +and rides, a long expedition like this was an unusual treat. + +After traversing several fields, they entered a winding path through a +copse, which, descending a steep hill side, conducted them at length to +the verge of a clear stream, which danced over or round the numerous +rocks which obstructed its passage, making a pleasant, rippling sound. +Here and there under the overhanging trees were deep quiet pools, where +the water, of clear transparent brown color, contained numbers of little +trout, the object of Edmund's pursuit. But more frequently the water +splashed, dashed, and brawled along its rocky way, at the bottom of +the narrow wooded ravine in which the valley ended. It was indeed a +beautiful scene, with the sun glancing on the green of the trees and +the bright sparkling water; and Marian could scarcely restrain her +exclamations of delight, out of consideration for the silence required +by her cousin's sport. She helped him to put his rod together, and +arrange his reel, with the dexterity of one who well understood the +matter; and then sat down under a fern-covered rock with a book in her +hand, whilst he commenced his fishing. As he slowly proceeded up the +stream, she changed her place so as to follow him at a distance; now and +then making expeditions into the wood at the side of the hill to study +some remarkable rock, some tree of peculiar form, or to gather a +handsome fern-leaf, or nodding fox-glove with its purple bells. Or the +little sketch-book came out, and she caught the form of the rock with a +few strokes of bold outline and firm shading, with more power over her +soft pencil than is usual at her age, though her foliage was not of the +most perfect description. Her own occupations did not, however, prevent +her from observing all her cousin's proceedings; she knew whenever he +captured a trout, she was at hand to offer help when his hook, was +caught in a bramble, and took full and complete interest in the sport. + +At last, after a successful fishing up the glen, they arrived at a place +where the ravine was suddenly closed in by a perpendicular rock of +about twenty feet in height, down which the water fell with its full +proportion of foam and spray, forming a cascade which Marian thought +"magnificent,"--Edmund, "very pretty." + +"Edmund, I am afraid the Lake country has spoilt you for Devonshire. I +wish they had never sent your regiment to the north!" + +"That would not prevent the falls in Westmoreland from being twice the +height of this." + +"It would prevent you from saying that here it is not as beautiful as +any thing can be." + +"And nothing short of that will satisfy you. You had better stand in a +narrow pass, and challenge every passer-by to battle in defence of the +beauty of Fern Torr." + +"I don't care about every body; but you, Edmund, ought to be more +dutiful to your own home." + +"You are exclusive, Marian; but come," and he stuck his rod into the +ground, "let us have some of your sandwiches." + +"Not till you confess that you like Fern Torr better than all the fine +places that you ever saw." + +"Liking with all one's heart is one thing, admiring above all others is +another, as you will find when you have seen more of the world, Marian." + +"I am sure I shall never think so." + +While this contest was going on, Marian had unpacked some sandwiches and +biscuits, and they sat down to eat them with the appetite due to such +a walk. Then came a conversation, in which Marian submitted to hear +something of the beauties of the Lakes, in the shape of a comment on the +"Bridal of Triermain," which she had brought with her; next an attempt +at sketching the cascade, in which Edmund was successful enough to make +Marian much discontented with her own performance, and declare that she +was tired of sitting still, and had a great mind to try to climb up the +rocks by the side of the fall. She was light, active, and well able to +scramble, and with a little help here and there from her cousin's strong +hand, the top was merrily gained; and springing along from rock to rock, +they traced the windings of the stream even to the end of the copse and +the opening of the moor. It was a great achievement for Marian, for even +Edmund had only once been this way before when out shooting. She would +fain have mounted to the top of a peak which bounded her view, but being +assured that she would only find Alps on Alps arise, she submitted to +Edmund's judgment, and consented to retrace her steps, through wood and +wild, to Mrs. Cornthwayte's, where they found a feast prepared for +them of saffron buns, Devonshire cream, and cyder. Then mounting their +steeds, and releasing Ranger from durance in the stable, they rode +homewards for about three miles, when they entered the village in the +valley at the foot of the steep rocky hill, from which it was named Fern +Torr. Excepting the bare rugged summit, this hill was well covered with +wood, and opposite to it rose more gently another elevation, divided +into fields and meadows. The little old Church, with its square tower, +and the neat vicarage beside it, were the only buildings above the rank +of cottages, of which some twenty stood irregularly ranged in their +gardens and orchards, along the banks of the bright little stream which +bounded the road, at present scarcely large enough to afford swimming +space for the numerous ducks that paddled in it; but the width of its +stony bed, and the large span of the one-arched bridge that traversed +it, showing what was its breadth and strength in the winter floods. + +A little beyond this bridge was a wicket gate, leading to a path up +the wooded height; and Edmund at this moment seeing a boy in a stable +jacket, asked Marian if he should not let him lead the ponies round +by the drive, while they walked up the steps. She readily agreed, and +Edmund helping her to dismount, they took their way up the path, which +after a very short interval led to a steep flight of steps, cut out +in the face of the limestone rock, and ascending through ferns, +mountain-ash, and rhododendrons for about fifty or sixty feet, when it +was concluded by what might be called either a broad terrace or narrow +lawn, upon which stood a house irregularly built of the rough stone +of the country, and covered with luxuriant myrtles and magnolias. +Immediately behind, the ground again rose so precipitously, that +scarcely could coign of vantage be won for the garden, on a succession +of narrow shelves or ledges, which had a peculiarly beautiful effect, +adorned, as they were, with gay flowers, and looking, as Edmund was wont +to say, as gorgeous and as deficient in perspective as an old piece of +tapestry. + +"There is papa out of doors," exclaimed Marian, as she emerged upon +the lawn, and ran eagerly up to a Bath chair, in which was seated a +gentleman whose face and form showed too certain tokens of long and +wasting illness. He held out his hand to her, saying, "Well, Marian, +good sport, I hope, and no more tumbles from Mayflower." + +"Marian sits like a heroine," said Edmund, coming up; "I am glad to see +you out." + +"It is such a fine evening that I was tempted to come and see the +magnolia that you have all been boasting of: and really it is worth +seeing. Those white blossoms are magnificent." + +"But where is mamma?" asked Marian. + +"Carried off by Gerald, to say whether he may have a superannuated sea +kale pot for some purpose best known to himself, in his desert island. +They will be here again in another minute. There, thank you, Edmund, +that is enough," he added, as his nephew drew his chair out of a streak +of sunshine which had just come over him. "Now, how far have you been? I +hope you have seen the cascade, Marian?" + +"O yes, papa, and scrambled up the side of it too. I had no idea of any +thing so beautiful," said Marian. "The spray was so white and glancing. +Oh! I wish I could tell you one half of the beauty of it." + +"I remember well the delight of the first discovery of it," said Sir +Edmund, "when I was a mere boy, and found my way there by chance, as I +was shooting. I came up the glen, and suddenly found myself in the midst +of this beautiful glade, with the waterfall glancing white in the sun." + +"I wish we could transplant it," said Edmund; "but after all, perhaps +its being so remote and inaccessible is one of its great charms. Ah! +young monkey, is it you?" added he, as Gerald, a merry bright-eyed boy +of seven years old, came rushing from behind and commenced a romping +attack upon him. "Take care, not such a disturbance close to papa." + +"O mamma, we have had the most delightful day!" cried Marian, springing +to the side of her mother, who now came forward from the kitchen garden, +and whose fair and gentle, but careworn, anxious face, lighted up with a +bright sweet smile, as she observed the glow on her daughter's usually +pale cheek, and the light that danced in her dark brown eye. + +"I'm glad you have had such a pleasant day, my dear," said she. "It is +very kind in Edmund to be troubled with such a wild goose." + +"Wild geese are very good things in their way," said Edmund; "water and +land, precipice and moor, 'tis all the same to them." + +"And when will you take me, Edmund?" asked Gerald. + +"When you have learnt to comport yourself with as much discretion as +Marian, master," said Edmund, sitting down on the grass, and rolling the +kicking, struggling boy over and over, while Marian stood by her papa, +showing him her sketches, and delighted by hearing him recognize the +different spots. "How can you remember them so well, papa," said she, +"when it is so very long since you saw them?" + +"That is the very reason," he answered, "we do not so much dwell on what +is constantly before us as when we have long lost sight of it. To be +confined to the house for a few years is an excellent receipt for +appreciating nature." + +"Yes, because it must make you wish for it so much," said Marian sadly. + +"Not exactly," said her father. "You cannot guess the pleasure it has +often given me to recall those scenes, and to hear you talk of them; +just as your mamma likes to hear of Oakworthy." + +"Certainly," said Lady Arundel. "I have remembered much at poor old +Oakworthy that I never thought of remarking at the time I was there. +Even flaws in the glass, and cracks in the ceiling have returned upon +me, and especially since the house has been pulled down." + +"I cannot think how the natives of an old house can wilfully destroy all +their old associations, their heirloooms," said Edmund. + +"Sometimes they have none," said his aunt. + +"Ay," said Sir Edmund, "when Gerald brings home a fine wife from +far away, see what she will say to all our dark passages and corner +cupboards, and steps up and steps down." + +"Oh! I shall not be able to bear her if she does not like them," cried +Marian. + +"I suppose that was the case with Mrs. Lyddell," added Sir Edmund, "that +she discovered the deficiencies of the old house, as well as brought +wherewith to remedy them. He does not look like a man given to change." + +"He has no such feeling for association as these people," said Lady +Arundel, pointing to Edmund and Marian; "he felt his position, in the +country raised by her fortune, and was glad to use any means of adding +to his consequence." + +"I should like to see more of them. I wish we could ask them to stay +here," said Sir Edmund, with something like a sigh. "But come, had we +not better go in? The hungry fishers look quite ready for tea." + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + "And now I set thee down to try + How thou canst walk alone." + + _Lyra Innocentium_. + + +Scarcely eight months had passed since the last recorded conversation, +when Marian, in a dress of deep mourning, was slowly pacing the garden +paths, her eyes fixed on the ground, and an expression of thoughtful +sadness on her face. Heavy indeed had been the strokes that had fallen +upon her. Before the last summer had closed, the long sufferings of her +father had been terminated by one of the violent attacks, which had +often been expected to be fatal. Nor was this all that she had to mourn. +With winter had come severe colds and coughs; Lady Arundel was seized +with an inflammation of the chest, her constitution had been much +enfeebled by watching, anxiety, and grief, and in a very few days her +children were orphans. + +It was the day following the funeral. Mrs. Wortley was staying in the +house, as were also the two guardians of the young Sir Gerald Arundel +and his sister. These were Mr. Lyddell, a relation of Lady Arundel; and +our former acquaintance, Edmund Arundel, in whom, young as he was, his +uncle had placed full confidence. He had in fact been entirely brought +up by Sir Edmund, and knew no other home than Fern Torr, having been +sent thither an orphan in earliest childhood. His uncle and aunt had +supplied the place of parents, and had been well rewarded for all they +had done for him, by his consistent well doing and completely filial +affection for them. + +Marian was startled from her musings by his voice close at hand, saying, +"All alone, Marian?" + +"Gerald is with Jemmy Wortley, somewhere," she replied, "and I begged +Mrs. Wortley and Agnes to go down the village and leave me alone. I have +been very busy all the morning, and my head feels quite confused with +thoughts!" + +"I am glad to have found you," said Edmund. "I have seen so little of +you since I have been here." + +"Yes, you have been always with Mr. Lyddell. When does he go?" + +"To-morrow morning." + +"And you stay longer, I hope?" + +"Only till Monday; I wish it was possible to stay longer, but it is +something to have a Sunday to spend here." + +"And then I am afraid it will be a long time before we see you again." + +"I hope not; if you are in London, it will be always easier to meet." + +"In London! Ah! that reminds me I wanted to ask you what I am to say to +Selina Marchmont. I have a very kind letter from her, asking us to come +to stay with her directly, and hoping that it may be arranged for us to +live with them." + +"Ah! I have a letter from her husband to the same effect," said Edmund. +"It really is very kind and friendly in them." + +"Exceedingly," said Marian. "Will you read her letter, and tell me how I +am to answer her!" + +"As to the visit, that depends upon what you like to do yourself. I +should think that you would prefer staying with the Wortleys, since they +are so kind as to receive you." + +"You don't mean," exclaimed Marian, eagerly, "staying with them for +ever!" + +Edmund shook his head. "No, Marian, I fear that cannot be." + +"Then it is as I feared," sighed Marian. "I wonder how it is that I have +thought so much about myself; but it would come into my head, what was +to become of us, and I was very much afraid of living with the Lyddells; +but still there was a little glimmering of hope that you might be able +to manage to leave us with the Wortleys." + +"I heartily wish I could," said Edmund, "but it is out of my power. My +uncle--" + +"Surely papa did not wish us to live with the Lyddells?" cried Marian. + +"I do not think he contemplated your living any where but at home." + +"But the Vicarage is more like home than any other place could ever be," +pleaded Marian, "and papa did not like the Lyddells nearly so well as +the Wortleys." + +"We must abide by his arrangements, rather than our own notions of his +wishes," said Edmund. "Indeed, I know that he thought Mr. Lyddell a very +sensible man." + +"Then poor Gerald is to grow up away from his own home, and never see +the dear old moors! But if we cannot stay here, I had rather be with +Selina. She is so fond of Gerald, and she knows what home was, and she +knew and loved--them. And we should not meet so many strangers. Only +think what numbers of Lyddells there are! Boys to make Gerald rude, and +girls, and a governess--all strangers. And they go to London!" concluded +poor Marian, reaching the climax of her terrors. "O Edmund, can you do +nothing for us?" + +"You certainly do not embellish matters in anticipation. You will find +them very different from what you expect--even London itself, which, by +the by, you would have to endure even if you were with Selina, whom I +suspect to be rather too fine and fashionable a lady for such a homely +little Devonshire girl." + +"That Mrs. Lyddell will be. She is a very gay person, and they have +quantities of company. O Edmund!" + +"The quantities of company," replied her cousin, "will interfere with +you far less in your schoolroom with the Miss Lyddells, than alone with +my Lady Marchmont, where, at your unrecognized age, you would be in +rather an awkward situation." + +"Or I could go to Torquay, to old Aunt Jessie?" + +"Aunt Jessie would not be much obliged for the proposal of giving her +such a charge." + +"But I should take care of her, and make her life less dismal and +lonely." + +"That may be very well some years hence, when you are your own mistress: +but at present I believe the trouble and change of habits which having +you with her would occasion, would not be compensated by all your +attention and kindness. Have you written to her yet?" + +"No, I do not know how, and I hoped it was one of the letters that you +undertook for me." + +"I think I ought not to relieve you of that. Aunt Jessie is your nearest +relation; I am sure this has been a great blow to her, and that it has +cost her much effort to write to you herself. You must not turn her +letter over to me, like a mere complimentary condolence." + +"Very well," said Marian, with a sigh, "though I cannot guess what I +shall say. And about Selina?" + +"You had better write and tell her how you are situated, and I will do +the same to Lord Marchmont." + +"And when must we go to the Lyddells? I thought he meant more than mere +civility, when he spoke of Oakworthy this morning, at breakfast." + +"He spoke of taking you back to London immediately, but I persuaded him +to wait till they go into Wiltshire, so you need not be rooted up from +Fern Torr just yet." + +"Thank you, that is a great reprieve." + +"And do not make up your mind beforehand to be unhappy at Oakworthy. +Very likely you will take root there, and wonder you ever shrank from +being transplanted to your new home." + +"Never! never! it is cruel to say that any place but this can be like +home! And you, Edmund, what shall you do, where shall you go, when you +have leave of absence?" + +"I shall never ask for it," said he with an effort, while his eye fell +on the window of the room which had been his own for so many years, and +the thought crossed him, "Mine no more." It had been his home, as fully +as that of his two cousins, but now it was nothing to him; and while +they had each other to cling to, he stood in the world a lonely man. + +Marian perceived his emotion, but rather than seem to notice it, she +assumed a sort of gaiety. "I'll tell you, Edmund. You shall marry a very +nice wife, and take some delightful little house somewhere hereabouts, +and we will come and stay with you till Gerald is of age." + +"Which he will be long before I have either house or wife," said Edmund, +in the same tone, "but mind, Marian, it is a bargain, unless you grow so +fond of the Lyddells as to retract." + +"Impossible." + +"Well, I will not strengthen your prejudices by contending with them." + +"Prejudice! to say that I can never be as happy anywhere as at my own +dear home! To say that I cannot bear strangers!" + +"If they were to remain strangers for all the years that you are likely +to spend with them, there might be something in that. But I see you +cannot bear to be told that you can ever be happy again, so I will not +say so any more, especially as I must finish my letters." + +"And I will try to write mine," said Marian with a sigh, as she reached +the door, and went up to take off her bonnet. + +Edmund lingered for a moment in the hall, and there was met by Mrs. +Wortley, who said she was glad to see that he had been out, for he was +looking pale and harassed. "I did not go out for any pleasant purpose," +said he. "I had to pronounce sentence on poor Marian." + +"Is it finally settled?" said Mrs. Wortley. "We still had hopes of +keeping her." + +"Sir Gerald and Miss Arundel are of too much distinction in Mr. +Lyddell's eyes to be left to their best friends," said Edmund. "It was +hard to persuade him not to take possession directly, on the plea of +change being good for their spirits." + +"It is very kind of you to put off the evil day," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +will be a grievous parting for poor Agnes." + +"A grievous business for every one," said Edmund. + +"How? Do not you think well of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell?" + +"I know my uncle never thought of these poor children's living with +them. He thought Mr. Lyddell a good man of business, but neither he nor +my aunt ever dreamed of such a home for them." + +"Would they have preferred Lady Marchmont's? Marian is very fond of +her, and was much gratified by a very nice affectionate letter that she +received this morning." + +"Yes, but I am glad she is out of the question. It is offering a great +deal both on her part and her husband's to take charge of these two, but +it would never do. She is almost a child herself,--a bride and beauty +under twenty,--excessively admired, very likely to have her head turned. +No, it would be too absurd. All her kindness, amiability, desire to make +Marian her friend and companion, would only serve to do harm." + +"Yes, you are right; yet I cannot help half wishing it could be, if it +was only to save poor Marian her terrors of going among strangers." + +"I know exactly how it will be," said Edmund. "She will shut herself +up in a double proof case of shyness and reserve. They will never +understand her, nor she them." + +"But that cannot go on for ever." + +"No; and perhaps it might be better if it could." + +"Well, but do you really know anything against them? He seems inclined +to be very kind and considerate." + +"Electioneering courtesy," said Edmund. "But now you begin to question +me, I cannot say that my--my mistrust shall I call it--or aversion? is +much better founded than the prejudices I have been scolding poor Marian +for. Perhaps it is only that I am jealous of them, and cannot think any +one out of Fern Torr worthy to bring up my uncle's children. All I know +of them is, that Mrs. Lyddell was heiress to a rich banker, she goes out +a good deal in London, and the only time that I met her I thought her +clever and agreeable. In their own county I believe she is just what a +popular member's wife should be--I don't mean popular in the sense of +radical. I think I have heard too something about the eldest son not +turning out well; but altogether, you see, I have not grounds enough to +justify any opposition to their desire of having the children." + +"How are they as to Church principles?" + +"That I really cannot tell. I should think they troubled themselves very +little about the matter, and would only dislike any thing strong either +way. If my aunt had but been able to make some arrangement! No doubt it +was upon her mind when she asked so often for me!" + +"Yes, but there is this comfort," said Mrs. Wortley, seeing him much +troubled, "that she did not seem to make herself anxious and restless on +their account. She trusted them, and so may we." + +"Yes, that is all that one can come to," said Edmund, sighing deeply. +"But Gerald! One pities Marian the most now, but it is a more serious +matter for him." + +"Gerald will be more in your power than his sister," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"As if that was much comfort," said Edmund, half smiling, then again +sighing, "when even for my own concerns I miss my uncle's advice at +every turn. And probably I may have to go on foreign service next year." + +"Then he will be at school." + +"Yes. He was not to have gone till he was ten years old, but I shall try +to hasten it now. He must go with his sister to Oakworthy though, for to +begin without him there would be complete desolation in her eyes." + +Here the conversation was concluded by Marian's coming down to write her +painfully composed letters. That to her cousin, Lady Marchmont, who, +as Selina Grenville, had been a frequent and favourite visitor at the +manor, ran glibly enough off the pen, and the two or three quiet tears +that blotted the paper, fell from a feeling of affection rather than of +regret; but the letter to old Mrs. Jessie Arundel, her great aunt, and +one or two others which Edmund had desired her to write, were works of +time. Marian's feelings were seldom freely expressed even to those whom +she loved best, and to write down expressions of grief, affection, or +gratitude, as a matter of course, was positively repugnant to her. + +The great work was not finished till late, and then came in Gerald and +Agnes, and the tea drinking among themselves was rendered cheerful by +Agnes' anticipations of pleasure in their going the next day to the +parsonage for a long visit. Gerald began to play with her, and soon got +into quite high spirits, and Marian herself had smiled, nay, almost +laughed, before the gentlemen came in from the dining room, when the +presence of Mr. Lyddell cast over her a cloud of dull dread and silence, +so that she did not through the rest of the evening raise her head three +inches from her book. + +Yet as Mrs. Wortley had said, Mr. Lyddell was evidently inclined to be +kind to her and her brother. He patted Gerald on the head as he wished +him good night, and said good-naturedly to Marian that she must be great +friends with his girls, Caroline and Clara. + +Marian tried to look civil, but could not find an answer both sincere +and polite, and Mrs. Wortley, speaking for her, asked if they were +nearly of the same age as she was. + +"Well, I can't exactly tell," said Mr. Lyddell. "I should think she was +between them. You are thirteen, aren't you, Marian? Well, Caroline may +be a couple of years older, and Clara--I know her birthday was the other +day, for I had to make her a present,--but how old she was I can't +exactly recollect, whether it was twelve or thirteen. So you see you +will not want for companions at Oakworthy, and you will be as happy +there as your poor mamma used to be in the old house. Many was the laugh +she has had there with my poor sister, and now they are both gone--well, +there, I did not mean to overset you,--but--" + +Marian could not bear it. She could talk of her mother to Mrs. Wortley, +Agnes, or Edmund, with complete composure, but she could not bear Mr. +Lyddell's hearty voice trying, as she thought, at sentiment, and forcing +the subject upon her, and without a word or a look she hurried out of +the room, and did not come back all the evening. Agnes followed her, +and pitied her, and thought Mr. Lyddell should have said nothing of the +kind, and sat down over the fire with her in her own room to read hymns. + +The next day Mr. Lyddell left Fern Torr, and Marian was so glad to +gee him depart as to be able to endure much better his invitations to +Oakworthy. That same day Marian and Gerald went to the parsonage, and +Edmund, after spending a quiet Sunday at Fern Torr, bade them farewell +on the Monday morning. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + "Where once we dwelt our name is heard no more, + Children not thine 'may tread' my nurseryfloor." + + COWPER. + + +The way of life at Fern Torr parsonage was so quiet as to afford few +subjects for narration. Mrs. Wortley was a gentle, sensible person, very +fond of Marian and Gerald, both for their own sake and their mother's, +and to be with her was to them as like being at home as anything could +be. Agnes was quite wrapped up in her friend, whom she pitied so +heartily, and was to lose so soon. She had known no troubles except +through Marian, she reverenced Marian's griefs, and in her respect for +them was inclined to spoil her not a little. Then, through nothing +against the Lyddells had ever been said to Agnes, she had caught +all Marian's prejudiced dislike to them, and sometimes in lively +exaggeration, sometimes in grave condolence, talked of them "as these +horrid people." + +Marian felt every day was precious as it passed, and the time seemed to +her far less than two months, when one day there arrived a letter from +Mrs. Lyddell to announce that the family were about to leave London, and +in the course of a week Mr. Lyddell would come to fetch her and Gerald +to Oakworthy. + +The letter was kindly expressed, but this was lost upon Marian in the +pain its purport gave her, and the difficulty of composing an answer. +She chose her smallest sheet of writing-paper with the deepest black +edge, wrote as widely as she could, and used the longest words, but with +all Mrs. Wortley's suggestions, she could not eke out what she had to +say beyond the first page. She would not even send her love to her +cousins, for she said she could have no particular affection for them, +and to express any pleasure in the prospect of seeing so many strangers +would be an actual untruth. + +What a week was that which followed! Marian loved her home with that +enthusiasm which especially belongs to the inhabitants of mountainous +districts, and still more acutely did she feel the separation from all +that reminded her of her parents. If she had not had Gerald to go with +her she did not know how she could have borne it, but Gerald, her own +beautiful brother, with his chestnut curls, dark bright eyes, sweet +temper, and great cleverness and goodness, he must be a comfort to her +wherever she was. Gerald was one of those children who seem to have a +peculiar atmosphere of bright grace and goodness around them, who make +beautiful earnest sayings in their simplicity which are treasured up by +their friends, who, while regarding them with joy and something like +veneration, watch them likewise with fear and trembling. Thus had his +mother looked upon Gerald, and thus in some degree did Mrs. Wortley; but +Marian had nothing but pride, joy, and confidence in him, unalloyed save +now and then by the secret, half superstitious fear that such goodness +might mark him for early death. + +By Marian's own especial desire, she went to almost every cottage to +take leave, but all she could do was to stand with her head averted and +her lips compressed, while Mrs. Wortley spoke for her. Her next task was +to look over the boxes and drawers at the manor house, in case it should +be let; for no one else could be trusted to decide what hoards of highly +prized trifles should be locked up, and what must be thrown away. She +alone could choose the little keepsakes to be given to old servants and +village friends, and she must select what she would take to Oakworthy. + +She stood lingering before each picture, viewing the old familiar +furniture with loving eyes, and sighing at the thought that strangers +would alter the arrangements, look carelessly or critically on her +father's portrait, think her wild garden a collection of weeds, and root +up the flowering fern which Edmund had helped her to transplant. She +went into her own room, and felt almost ready to hate the person who +might occupy it; she lay down on the bed, and looking up at the same +branch of lime tree, and the same piece of sky which had met her eyes +every morning, she mused there till she was roused by hearing Gerald's +voice very loud in the nursery. Hastening thither, she found him +insisting that his collection of stones and spars was much too precious +to mend the roads with, as their maid Saunders proposed, and Agnes +settling the matter satisfactorily by offering to take them to adorn a +certain den in the vicarage garden with. The ponies were to be turned +out to grass, the rabbits were bestowed on James Wortley, and Ranger +was to be kept at the vicarage till Edmund could come and fetch him, +together with his books, which Marian had to look out, and she found it +a service of difficulty, since "Edmund Gerald" could scarcely be said to +answer the purpose of a proper name in the Arundel family. + +The last day at home arrived, the eve of S. James. Marian went to +prepare her class at the weekly school, resolved to do just as usual to +the last. She had to read them the conversation on S. James's Day in +"Fasts and Festivals," but she could hardly get through with it, the +separation between early friends reminded her so much of herself and +Agnes, and then the comparison of the two roads, one in burning and +scorching sunshine, the other in the cool fresh shade, almost overset +her, for though she could not tell why, she chose to be persuaded that +the first must be hers. But they both ended in the same place. She felt +tears coming into her eyes, but she kept them down, and went on reading +in a steady monotonous voice, as if the meaning was nothing to her; she +asked the children questions in a dry, grave, matter-of-fact way, as if +she had not the slightest interest in them or in the subject, though her +heart was full of affection to the dullest and roughest among them, and +when she went away, her nod, and "well, good morning," to the school +mistress were several shades further from warmth than usual. + +All the way back from the school she was eagerly telling Agnes exactly +the point where she left each child in her class, and begging her to +say the kind things which she meant to have said to Grace Knight, the +mistress. + +Agnes laughed and said, "I hope she will take my word for it all. Why +could you not speak to her? At least I thought you were not afraid of +her." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "I thought I could, but it is very odd. You +see, Agnes, how it is; the more I care, the more I can't speak, and I +can't help it." + +"Well, don't be unhappy about it," said Agnes. "I know what you mean, +and am ready to take you as you are, and if other people don't, it is +their own fault." + +Agnes was rather too fond of Marian to be exactly right here, for it was +not at all a good thing that she should be encouraged in a reserve which +led her not always to do as she would be done by. + +The two girls came in, lingered in each other's rooms while they +dressed, and at last were called down stairs by Mrs. Wortley, who was +ready to finish with them the last chapter of the book they had been +reading aloud together. Gerald sat in the window, his friend Jemmy +hanging over him, and the two together composing a marvellous +battlepiece, in which Gerald drew horses, men, cannon, and arrows, and +Jemmy, like a small Homer, suggested the various frightful wounds they +should be receiving, and the attitudes in which they should fall. The +general, with a tremendous Turkish sabre, an immense cocked hat, and +a horse with very stiff legs, was just being represented receiving an +unfortunate-looking prisoner, considerably spotted with vermillion +paint, when a sound of wheels was heard, and both boys starting up, +exclaimed, "Here he comes!" + +He, as Marian knew full well, was Mr. Lyddell; and a chilliness came +over her as he entered, tall, broad, ruddy, treading heavily, and +speaking loudly: and Gerald pressed close to her, squeezing her hand +so tight that she could hardly withdraw it to shake hands with her +guardian. With one hand he held her cold reluctant fingers, with the +other gave Gerald's head a patronizing pat. "Well, my dears, how d'ye +do? quite well? and ready to start with me to-morrow? That is right. +Caroline and Clara have had their heads full of nothing but you this +long time--only wanted to have come with me." + +Here Marian succeeded in drawing back her hand, and retreated to the +window; Gerald was creeping after her, but Mr. Lyddell laid hold of his +chin, and drew him back, saying. "What, shy, my man? we shall cure you +at Oakworthy My boys will give you no peace if they see you getting into +your sister's pocket." + +Gerald disengaged himself, and made a rapid retreat. It was a long time +before he again appeared, and when Mrs. the housekeeper at the Manor +House, came down in the course of the evening to say good-bye, she said, +"And ma'am, where do you think I found that dear child, Sir Gerald, not +two hours ago?" She wiped away a gush of tears, and went on. "I thought +I heard a noise in the drilling room, and went to see, and there, ma'am, +was the dear little fellow lying on the floor, the bare boards, for the +carpet is taken up, you know, Miss Marian, before his papa's picture, +crying and sobbing as if his heart would break. But as soon as I opened +the door, and he saw me, he snatched up his hat, and jumped out at the +open window, which he had come in by, I suppose, for I never heard him +open the door." + +Marian, after her usual fashion, had no reply, but it was pleasant to +her to think of what had taken place, since Gerald had not in general +shown much concern at the leaving home. + +They all met at breakfast next morning; Marian, was firmly determined +against crying, and by dint of squeezing up her lips, and not uttering a +word, succeeded in keeping her resolution; but poor Agnes could eat no +breakfast, and did nothing but cry, till Mr. Lyddell, by saying that her +tears were a great honour both to herself and Marian, entirely checked +them. + +"I hope," said Mr. Wortley, "that Mrs. Lyddell will not be very strict +in inquiring into the quantity of Marian's idle correspondence. The +friends there mean to console themselves with multitudes of letters." + +"Oh, certainly, certainly," said Mr. Lyddell. "Old friends for ever! So +mind, Marian, I mean to be very angry if you forget to write to Miss +Wortley." + +"Thank you," said Marian, knowing that she was saying something silly, +and trying to smile. + +"Come, then," said Mr. Lyddell, "thank your friends once more for their +kindness, and let us be going." + +Thanks from Marian were out of the question, and she tried to get out +of hearing of the sentences beginning, "I am sure we shall always be +sensible," "Nothing could be kinder," which her guardian was pouring +out. She moved with Agnes to the door: the summer sky was deeply blue, +without a cloud, the fresh green branches of the trees stood up against +it as if bathed in light, the flower beds were glowing with gay +blossoms, Gerald and Jemmy were playing with Ranger under the verandah, +and the Church bells rang cheerfully for morning service, but alas! at +the gate was the carriage, Saunders sitting sobbing on the outside, +and David Chapple, Mr. Wortley's man, standing on one leg on the step +talking to her. Near at hand was the gardener from the Manor House, +waiting with his hands full of Miss Arundel's favourite flowers, and +there stood old Betty Lapthorn and her grandchild, Gerald's nurse who +had married, and the old man to whom the children had so often carried +the remains of their dinner; all the school children too, and Grace in +the middle of them, waiting for the last view of Miss Arundel and little +Sir Gerald. + +Mr. Lyddell finished his acknowledgments, and Marian and her brother +received an embrace and good-bye from their friends, David jumped down +and shut the door, Saunders sobbed aloud, there was another good-bye +from each of the Wortleys, and a hearty response from Gerald, Mr. +Lyddell called out, "All right," and away they went. + +On went the carriage, past the Church, with its open door and pealing +bell, the rocky steps up to the Manor House, nestled in the shrubs, the +well known trees, the herds of longhorned, red cattle, the grey stone +cottages, and the women and tiny children at the doors, the ford through +the sparkling shallow brook, the hill with the great limestone quarry, +the kiln so like a castle, the river and its bridge of one narrow, high +pitched, ivy grown arch, the great rod rock, remembered as having been +the limit of papa's last drive, the farm house in the winding valley +beyond, with its sloping orchard and home field, the last building in +the parish. They drove through the little market town, slowly wound up +the heights beyond, looked down into the broad, beautiful space where +the river Exe winds its blue course amid wood, field, and castled hill, +descended, losing sight of the last of the Torrs, glanced at Exeter and +its Cathedral, arrived at the station, and there, while waiting hand in +hand on the platform, gazing at the carriage, and starting at each puff, +snort, cough, and shriek of the engines, Marian and Gerald did indeed +feel themselves severed from the home of their childhood. + +It was not till the afternoon that they left the railroad, and then they +had a two hours' drive through a country which Marian found very unlike +her own: the bleak, bare downs of Wiltshire, low green hills rising +endlessly one after the other, the white road visible far away before +them, the chalk pits white and cold, a few whitey brown ponds now and +then, and at long intervals a farm house, looking as if it had been set +down there by mistake, and did not like it, carts full of chalk, and +flocks of sheep the chief moving objects they met, and not many of them. + +Marian sighed, yawned, and looked at Gerald many a time before they at +length came to a small, very neat-looking town, where the houses stood +far back from the street, and had broad clean pavement in front of them. +"This is Oakworthy," said Mr. Lyddell, and Marian looked with interest. +The church was just outside the town, white, and clean looking, like +everything else, and with a spire. That was all she could see, for they +drove on by the side of a long park wall, enclosing a fir plantation. +The gate of a pretty lodge was thrown back, and they entered upon a +gravelled carriage-road, which, after some windings, led to a large +house, built of white brick, regular and substantial. They stopped under +the portico at the door, and Mr. Lyddell, as he handed Marian out of the +carriage, exclaimed, "Welcome to Oakworthy Park!" + +It seemed to Marian that there was a whole crowd waiting for her in the +hall, and she had received at least three kisses before she had time to +look around her, and perceive that this formidable troop consisted of a +tall, fresh-coloured lady, two girls, and two little boys. Each of +the girls eagerly grasped one of her hands, and drew her into the +drawing-room, exclaiming, "I am glad you are come!" Here were two more +strangers, youths of the age at which their juniors call them men, and +their seniors, boys. They did not trouble the guests with any particular +demonstrations of welcome, only shaking hands with them carelessly, and +after another moment or two Marian found herself sitting on a chair, +very stiffly and upright, while Gerald stood about two feet from her, +afraid of a second accusation of getting into her pocket, looking down, +and twisting the handles of her basket. + +"Lionel, Johnny," said Mrs. Lyddell, "have you nothing to say to your +cousin? Come here, my dear, and tell me, were you very sorry to leave +Fern Torr?" + +Gerald coloured and looked at his sister, who replied by a hesitating, +faltering, "Yes, very." + +"Ah! yes, I see," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you will soon be at home +here. It shall not be my fault or your cousins' if you are not,--eh, +Caroline?" + +"Indeed it shall not," returned Caroline, again taking Marian's hand, +at first pressing it cordially, but letting it go on feeling the limp, +passive fingers, which were too shy and frightened to return the +pressure. + +Mr. Lyddell came in, and while his wife was engaged in speaking to him, +Marian had time to make her observations, for the chilling embarrassment +of her manner had repelled the attentions of her cousins. Though she had +never seen them before, she knew enough about them to be able to fit the +names to the persons she saw before her, and make a few conjectures as +to how she would like them. + +That youth in the odd-looking, rough, shapeless coat, yet with a certain +expensive, fashionable air about the rest of his dress, who stood +leaning against the chimney-piece in a nonchalant attitude, was +her eldest cousin, Elliot Lyddell. The other, a great contrast in +appearance, small, slender, and pale, with near-sighted spectacles +over his weak, light grey eyes, dressed with scrupulous precision and +quietness, who had retreated to the other end of the room and taken up +a book, was Walter. The elder girl, Caroline, was about fifteen, a very +pleasing likeness of her mother, with a brilliant complexion, bright +blue eyes, and a remarkably lively and pleasant smile, which Marian was +so much taken with, that she wished she could have found something to +say, but the dress and air both gave her the appearance of being older +than Agnes, and thus made Marian feel as if she was a great way above +and beyond her. The other sister had a fair, pretty face, much more +childish, with beautiful glossy light hair, and something sweet and +gentle in her expression, and Marian felt warmly towards her because she +was her mother's god-child, and bore the same name. + +The younger boys, Lionel and John, were nice-looking little fellows of +nine and seven. They had drawn towards Walter, gazing all the time at +Gerald, and all parties were rejoiced when Mrs. Lyddell, after a few +more attempts at conversation, proposed to take the guests to their +rooms. + +With a light, quick step, she led the way up two staircases and a long +passage, to a good-sized, comfortable room intended for Marian, while +Gerald's was just opposite. With a civil welcome to Saunders, kind hopes +that Marian would make herself at home, and information that dinner +would he ready at seven, she left the room, and Saunders proceeded with +the young lady's toilette. Gerald stood gazing from the window at the +trees and little glimpse of the town in the distance. He said little, +and seemed rather forlorn till leave was given him to unpack some goods +which he could not easily damage. Just as Marian was dressed, there was +a knock at the door, and without waiting for an answer, Caroline +and Clara entered, the former saying, "I hope you find everything +comfortable: you see we make you quite at home, and stand on no +ceremony." + +It was pleasantly said, but Marian only gave a constrained smile, and +answered, "Thank you," in such an awkward, cold way, that Caroline was +thrown back. Her sister, only conscious of freedom from the restraints +of the drawing-room, began exclaiming in short sentences, "O what a +pretty basket! so you have out your work already! what a lovely pattern! +how quick you have been in dressing! we came to see how you were getting +on. O what is this pretty box? do let me see." + +"A work-box," said Marian, by no means disposed to turn out all the +small treasures it contained for Clara's inspection.--Caroline perceived +this, and said with a little reproof to Clara, + +"You curious child! Perhaps Marian would like to come and see the +schoolroom before going down." + +"Oh, yes," said Clara; "you must come. You have not seen Miss Morley +yet,--our governess,--poor, unfortunate, faithful Morley, as we always +call her." + +This manner of mentioning the governess, and before Saunders too, +greatly surprised Marian, and she felt little inclination to face +another stranger; but she could think of no valid objection, and allowed +herself and Gerald to be conducted down one of the flights of stairs +into a passage less decorated than the rest of the house. Clara threw +open a door, calling out, "Here they are!" and Marian found herself in +the presence of a little, nicely dressed lady, who looked very little +older than Caroline, and had a very good-natured face. Coming forward +with a smile, she said, "Miss Arundel, I believe. I hope you are quite +well, and not tired. Sir Gerald, how d'ye do? We shall be good friends, +I am sure." + +Gerald shook hands, and Marian thought she ought to do so too; but it +had not been her first impulse, and it was too late, so she only made +a stiff bend of head and knee. Clara, happily unconscious of the +embarrassment with which Marian had infected Caroline, went on talking +fast and freely: + +"So, you see, this is the schoolroom. There is Caroline's desk, and here +is mine; and we have made room for you here. I suppose you have a desk. +And here are all our books, and our chiffonnière; Caroline has one side +and I the other. Oh, I must show you my last birthday presents. Ah! +aren't we lucky to have got such a nice view of the terrace and the +portico from here! We can always see the people coming to dinner, and +when the gentlemen go out riding, it is such fun, and--" + +"My dear Clara," interposed Miss Morley, seeing Marian's bewildered +looks, "your cousin is not used to such a chatterbox. I assure you, +Miss Arundel, that Clara has been quite wild for the last week with the +prospect of seeing you. I have actually not known what to do with her." + +Marian gave one of her awkward smiles, and said nothing. + +"You left Devonshire this morning, I think?" said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, we did." + +"Fern Torr is in a very beautiful part of the country, is it not?" + +"Yes, very." + +They were getting on at this rate when Mrs. Lyddell came in, and took +Marian and Gerald down to the drawing-room with her, as it was almost +dinner time. No sooner had the door closed behind them, than governess +and pupils at once exclaimed, "How pale!" "how shy!" "how awkward!" + +"I dare say that is only shyness," said Caroline, "but I must say I +never saw anything so stiff and chilly." + +"Yes, that she is," said Clara, "but it's only shyness; I am sure she is +a dear girl. But how white she is! I thought she would have been pretty, +because they say the Arundels are all so handsome." + +"She has fine eyes," said Miss Motley; "and that dear little Sir Gerald, +I am sure we shall all be in love with him." + +"Well, I hope we may get on better in time," said Caroline, taking up a +book, and settling herself in a most luxurious attitude in spite of the +unaccommodating furniture of the schoolroom. + +Marian recovered a little at dinner, and was not quite so monosyllabic +in her replies. Her netting was a great resource when she went into the +drawing-room after dinner, and she began to feel a little less rigid and +confused, made some progress in acquaintance with Clara, and when she +went to bed was not without hopes of, in time, liking both her and +Caroline very much. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + "A place where others are at home, + But all are strange to me." + + _Lyra Innocentium._ + + +Marian began the next morning by wondering what a Sunday at Oakworthy +would be like, but she was glad the formidable first meeting was over, +and greeted Gerald cheerfully when he came into the room. + +After a few minutes a bell rang, and Marian, thinking it must be for +family prayers, hastened into the passage, wondering at herself for +not having asked last night where she was to go. She was glad to meet +Caroline coming out of her room, and after quickly exchanging a "good +morning," she said, "Was that the bell for prayers?" + +"No, it was for the servants' breakfast," said Caroline "and for ours in +the schoolroom too." + +"But don't you have prayers in the morning?" said Gerald, + +"No," answered Caroline gravely. + +"Why not," the little boy was beginning but Marian pressed his hand +to check him, shocked herself, and sorry for Caroline's sake that the +question had been asked. + +Caroline spoke rather hurriedly, "I wish we could, but you see papa is +out so often, and there are so many people staying here sometimes: and +in London, papa is so late at the House--it is very unlucky, but it +would not do, it is all so irregular." + +"What?" said Clara, hopping down stairs behind them. "O, about prayers! +We have not had any in the school room since Miss Cameron's time." + +"Miss Cameron used to read a chapter and pray with us afterwards," said +Caroline; "but when she was gone, mamma said she did not like the book +she used." + +"Besides, it was three quarters out of her own head, and that wasn't +fair, for she used to go on such a monstrous time," said Clara. + +"Hush, Clara," said her sister, "and mamma has never found a book she +does think quite fit." + +"There's the Prayer Book," said Gerald. + +"O that is only for Church," said Clara, opening the schoolroom door; +"O she is not here! Later than ever. Well, Marian, what do you think of +her?" + +"Of whom?" asked Marian. + +"Of poor unfortunate faithful Morley," said Clara. + +"You call her so after Queen Anne?" + +"Yes," said Caroline, "and you will see how well the name suits her when +you are fully initiated." + +"But does she like it?" + +"Like it?" and Clara fell into a violent fit of laughing, calling out to +Lionel, who just then came in, "Here is Marian asking if we call Miss +Morley 'poor unfortunate' whenever we speak to her." + +"She is coming," said Lionel, and Clara sunk her boisterous laughter +into a titter, evident enough to occasion Miss Morley to ask what +made them so merry, but the only answer she received was from Lionel, +"Something funny," and then both he and Clara burst out again into +laughter, his open, and hers smothered. + +Marian looked amazed. "Ah! you are not used to such ways," said the +governess; "Clara and Lionel are sometimes sad creatures." + +Breakfast took a very long time, and before it was quite over, Mrs. +Lyddell came in, spoke in her rapid, good-natured tone to Marian and +Gerald, and remarked rather sharply to Miss Morley that she thought they +grew later and later every Sunday. Nevertheless, no one went on at all +the faster after she was gone. Miss Morley continued her talk with +Caroline and Clara about some young friends of theirs in London, and +Lionel and Johnny went on playing tricks with their bread and butter, +accompanied by a sort of secret teasing of Clara. Nothing brought them +absolutely to a conclusion till one of the servants appeared in order to +take away the things, and unceremoniously bore away John's last piece of +bread and cup of tea. + +Johnny looked up at the man and made a face at him; Miss Morley shook +her head, and Caroline said, "How can you be so naughty, Johnny? it +serves you quite right, and I only wish it happened every morning." + +"Come, Gerald, and see the ponies," said Lionel. + +"My dears," said Miss Morley, "you know your mamma never likes you to go +out before Church especially to the stables; you only get hot, and you +make us late with waiting for you." + +"Nobody asked you to wait for us," said John. "Come, Gerald." + +"No, I see Sir Gerald is a good little boy, and is coming steadily with +us," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, Gerald, do," said Marian. + +"There will be plenty of time by and by," said Gerald, sitting down +again. + +"O very well," said John. "Well, if you won't, I will; I want to see +Elliot's colt come in from exercising, and he will be sure to be there +himself now." + +Lionel and Johnny ran off, Caroline looked distressed, and went out into +the passage leaving the door open. Walter was coming along it, and as +she met him, she said, "Walter, the boys are off to the stable again; +we shall have just such a fuss as we had last Sunday if you cannot stop +them. Is Elliot there again?" + +"I am afraid he is," said Walter. + +"Then there is no chance!" said Caroline, retreating; but at that moment +Lionel and John came clattering down from their own distant abode at the +top of the house. "Who likes to walk with me through, the plantations to +Church?" said Walter; "I was coming to ask if you liked to show that way +to Gerald." + +Lionel and John, who had a real respect for Walter, thought it best to +keep silence on their disobedient designs, and accept the kind offer. +Gerald gladly joined them, and off they set. Miss Morley, Caroline, and +Clara, had all gone different ways, and Marian remained, leaning her +forehead against the window, thinking what her own dear Sunday-school +class were doing at Fern Torr, and feeling very disconsolate. She had +stood in this manner for some minutes when Clara came to tell her it was +time to prepare for Church, followed her to her room, and contrived to +make more remarks on her dress than Marian could have thought could +possibly have been bestowed on a plain black crape bonnet and mantle. + +Through all the rather long walk, Clara still kept close to her, telling +who every one was, and talking incessantly, till she felt almost +confused, and longed for the quietness of the church. Mr. Lyddell's pew +was a high, square box, curtained round, with a table and a stove, so +that she hardly felt as if she was in church, and she was surprised not +to see Elliot Lyddell there. + +They had to walk quickly back after the service, dine hurriedly, and +then set off again for the afternoon service. Miss Morley sighed, and +said that the second long hot walk almost killed her, and she went so +slowly that the schoolroom party all came in late. They found no one in +the pew but Mrs. Lyndell and Walter, and Marian once more sighed and +wondered. + +On coming home, Miss Morley went in to rest, but as it was now cool and +pleasant, her pupils stayed out a little longer to show the park and +garden. They were very desirous of making the Arundels admire all they +saw, and Lionel and John were continually asking, "Have you anything +like that at Fern Torr?" + +Gerald, jealous for the honor of home, was magnificent in his +descriptions, and unconscious that he was talking rhodomontade. +According to him, his park took in a whole mountain, his house was quite +as large and much handsomer than Mr. Lyddell's, the garden was like the +hanging gardens of Babylon, and greenhouses were never wanted there, for +"all sorts of things" would grow in the open air. His cousins were so +amazed that they would hardly attend to Marian's explanations, and +thought her description of the myrtle, which reached to the top of the +house, as fabulous as his hanging gardens. + +"And, Marian, what do you think of this place?" asked Clara. + +After some pressing, the following reply was extracted:--"It is so shut +in with fir-trees, but I suppose you want them to hide the town, and +there is nothing to see if they were away." + +"O Marian!" said Caroline, "when we showed you the beautiful view over +the high gate." + +"But there was no hill, and no wood, and no water." + +"Did you not see Oakworthy Hill?" + +"That tame green thing!" said Marian. + +"The truth is," said Johnny, "that she likes it the best all the time, +only she won't own it." + +"Nonsense, Johnny," replied Lionel, "every one likes their own +home best, and I like Marian for not pretending to be polite and +nonsensical." + +"And I tell you," said Gerald, "that you never saw anything so good as +my Manor house in your whole life." + +Here they went in, and Marian gently said to Gerald as they came +into her room, "I wish you would not say _my_, Gerald, it seems like +boasting. My park--my house--" + +Gerald hung his head, and the colour came deeply into his cheeks. +"Marian," said he, "you know how I wish it wasn't mine now," and the +tears were in his eyes. "But they boast over me, and they ought not, for +I'm Sir--" + +"Oh! hush, Gerald. You used never to like to hear yourself called so, +because it put you in mind--. Yes, I know they boast; but this is not +the way to stop them, it only makes them go on; and what does it signify +to you? it does not make this place really better than home." + +"Yes, but I want them to know it." + +"But you should not want to set yourself up above them. If you don't +answer, and, let them say what nonsense they please, it would be the +best way, and the right way, and so you would humble yourself, which is +what we must all do Gerald." + +Gerald was silenced, but looked dissatisfied; however, there was no +more time to talk, for Clara came to say that tea was almost ready, and +Marian rang for Saunders. Gerald looked as if he was meditating when +first they sat down to tea, and after some little time he abruptly +began, "I don't like your church at all. It is just like a room, and +nobody makes any noise." + +"Nobody makes any noise," repeated Caroline, smiling; "is that Fern Torr +fashion?" + +"I do not mean exactly a noise," said Gerald, "but people read their +verse of the psalm, and say Amen, and all that, quite loud. They don't +leave it all to the clerk in his odd voice." + +Lionel mimicked the clerk so drolly, that in spite of "Don't, my dear," +and "O! Lionel," nobody could help laughing; and Johnny added an +imitation of the clerk at their church in London. After the mirth was +over, Gerald went on, "Why does not every one say Amen here?" + +"Like so many charity children," said Lionel, with a nasal drawl. + +"No, indeed!" cried Gerald, indignantly; "Edmund does it, and +everybody." + +"Everybody! as if you could tell, who never went to church in your life, +except at that little poky place," said Johnny, + +Gerald's colour rose, but Marian's eye met his, and he remembered what +she had said, and answered quietly, "I don't know whether Fern Torr is +poky, but it is a place where people are taught to behave well." + +"Capital, Gerald, excellent!" cried Caroline, laughing heartily, "that +is a hit, Lionel, for you!" while Gerald looked round him, amazed at the +applause with which his speech, made in all simplicity, was received. + +As soon as tea was over, Miss Morley called Lionel and John to repeat +the Catechism, and added doubtfully, "Perhaps Sir Gerald would rather +wait for next Sunday." + +"O no, thank you," said Marian, "we always say it." + +"You need not, Marian," said Caroline, "we never do, only it would be so +troublesome for the boys to have to learn it at school." + +"I should like to say it if Miss Morley has no objection," said Marian. + +"Oh! yes, certainly," was the answer. "See, Lionel, there is an example +for you." + +Marian and Gerald stood upright, with their hands behind them, just as +they had stood every Sunday since they could speak; Lionel was astride +on the music stool, spinning round and round, and Johnny balancing +himself with one leg on the floor, and one hand on the window sill. When +the first question was asked, the grave voice that replied, "Edmund +Gerald," was drowned in a loud shout-- + + "Jack Lyddell, Jack Lyddell, + Shall play on the fiddle"-- + +evidently an old worn out joke, brought to life again in the hope of +making the grave cousins laugh, instead of which they stood aghast. Miss +Morley only said imploringly, "Now, Johnny, my dear boy, _do_," and +proceeded to the next question. Throughout the two boys were careless +and painfully irreverent, and the governess, annoyed and ashamed, +hurried on as fast as she could, in order to put an end to the +unpleasant scene. When it was over she greatly admired the correctness +of Gerald's answers, seeming to think it extraordinary that he should +not have made a single mistake; whereas Marian would have been surprised +if he had. Gerald whispered to his sister as they went down to the +drawing-room, "Would it not be fun to see what Mr. Wortley would say to +Lionel and Johnny, if he had them in his class?" + +On Monday, Marian and Gerald began to fall into the habits of the place, +and to learn the ways of their cousins, though it was many years before +they could be said really to understand them. + +Of their guardian himself, they found they should see very little, for +their four schoolroom companions, his own children, had but little +intercourse with him. Sometimes, indeed, Johnny, who enjoyed the +privileges of the youngest, would make a descent upon him, and obtain +some pleasure or some present, or at least a game of play; and sometimes +Lionel fell into great disgrace, and was brought to him for reproof, but +Caroline and Clara only saw him now and then in the evening, and never +seemed to look to him as the friend and approver that Marian thought all +fathers were. As to Miss Morley, she had only spoken twice to him since +she had been in the house. + +Mrs. Lyddell seemed supreme in everything at home. She was quick, +active, and clever, an excellent manager, nor was she otherwise than +very kind in word and deed; and Marian could by no means understand the +cause of the mixture of dread and repugnance with which she regarded +her. Perhaps it was, that though not harsh, her manner wanted +gentleness; her tones were not soft, and she would cut off answers +before they were half finished. Her bright, clear, cold, blue eye had +little of sympathy in it, and every look and tone showed that she +expected implicit obedience, to commands, which were far from unpleasant +in themselves, though rendered ungracious by the want of softness and +mildness with which they were given. Marian often wondered, apart from +the principle, how her cousins, and even Miss Morley, could venture to +disregard orders given in that decided manner; but she soon perceived +that they trusted to Mrs. Lyddell's multifarious occupations, which kept +her from knowing all their proceedings with exactness, and left them a +good deal at liberty. + +Marian was disposed to like Miss Morley, with her gentle voice and kind +manner, but she was much surprised at her letting things go on among her +pupils, which she must have known to be wrong in themselves, as well as +against express commands of Mrs. Lyddell. Once or twice when she heard +her talking to Clara, she said to herself, "Would not mamma say that was +silly?" but at any rate it was a great thing to have a person of whom +she was not in the least shy or afraid, and who set her quite at her +ease in the schoolroom. + +The first business on Monday morning, after the little boys had gone off +for two hours to a tutor, was an examination into Marian's attainments, +beginning with French and Italian reading and translation, in which she +acquitted herself very well till Mrs. Lyddell came in, and put her in +such a state of trepidation that she no longer knew what she was about. +In truth, Marian's education had been rather irregular in consequence +of her father's illness, and its effect had been to give her a general +cultivation of mind, and appreciation of excellence, to train her to do +her best, and fed an eagerness for information, but without instructing +her in that routine of knowledge for which Mrs. Lyddell and Miss Morley +looked. She was not ready in answering questions, even upon what she +knew perfectly well; she had no tables of names and dates at finger's +ends, and when she saw that every one thought her backward and ignorant, +the feeling that she was not doing justice to her mamma's teaching added +to her confusion, her mistakes and puzzles increased, and at last she +was almost ready to cry. At that moment Caroline said, "Mamma, you have +not seen Marian's drawings yet. Do fetch them, Marian." + +The drawings served in some degree to save Marian in the opinion; at +least, of Miss Morley: for an artist-like hand and eye were almost an +inheritance in the Arundel family, and teaching her had been a great +amusement to Sir Edmund. Miss Morley and Caroline thought her drawings +wonderful; but Mrs. Lyddell, who had never learnt to draw, was, as +Marian quickly perceived, unable to distinguish the merits from the +faults, and was only commending them in order to reassure her. Her music +was the next subject of inquiry, and here again she did not shine, for +practising had been out of the question during the last two years of her +father's life; but as she could not bear to offer this as an excuse, +she only said she knew she could hardly play at all, but she hoped to +improve. To her great relief, Mrs. Lyddell did not stay to listen to +her performance, but went away, leaving her to Miss Morley, who found +something to commend in her taste and touch. + +When the business of learning actually commenced, Marian grew more +prosperous; for she had the good custom of giving her whole attention, +and learnt therefore fast and correctly. Her exercise was very well +done; her arithmetic, in which Edmund had helped her, was almost beyond +Miss Morley's knowledge; and she was quite at home in the history they +were reading aloud. Moreover, when they came to talk of what they had +read, it proved that Marian was well acquainted with many books which +were still only names to Caroline; and when Gerald came in with his +books, his reference to her showed that she knew as much Latin as he +did. + +They dined in the schoolroom at half-past one, then took a walk on the +long, dull, white road, and came back at a little past four; after which +the girls had each to practise for an hour, to look over some lessons +for the next day, and to dress; but all the rest of their time was at +their own disposal. There was to be a dinner-party that evening, and +Clara advised her not to dress till after tea. "For we don't go down +till after dinner," said she, "and I don't like to miss seeing the +people come. Gerald, you had better get ready, though, for you boys +always go down before." + +"Must I?" said Gerald. + +"O yes, that we must!" said Lionel; "and you will see how Johnny there +likes to be petted by all the old ladies, and called their pretty dear." + +Johnny rushed upon his brother, and there was a skirmish between them, +during which Miss Morley vainly exclaimed by turns, "Now Lionel!" and +"Now Johnny!" It ended by John's beginning to cry, Lionel laughing +at him, and declaring that he had done nothing to hurt him, and both +walking off rather sullenly to dress for the evening. Gerald was bent on +the same errand; and no sooner was he gone than Miss Morley, Caroline, +and Clara all broke out into loud praises of him. He was so docile, he +shut the door so gently, he seemed so very clever. He had quite won Miss +Morley's heart by running back to the schoolroom to fetch her parasol +for her when she found she had left it behind; Caroline admired him for +being so merry and playful without rudeness, and Clara chimed in with +them both. All expressed wonder at not finding him a spoiled child; and +this, though the praises gratified Marian greatly, rather offended her +in her secret soul; and she wondered too that Caroline and Clara seemed +disposed to make the very worst of their own little brothers, so as to +set off Gerald's perfections by force of contrast. + +Mrs. Lyddell came in while they were still talking. She was beautifully +dressed, and looked very handsome, and, in Marian's eyes, very +formidable; but she sat down and joined heartily in the praises of +Gerald, till Marian thought, "What could they have expected poor Gerald +to be, if they are so amazed at finding him the dear good little fellow +he is!" It was in fact true that he was an agreeable surprise, for as +an only son--a great treasure--and coming so early to his title, he +was exactly the child whom all would have presumed most likely to be +spoiled; and his ready obedience struck the Lyddells as no less unusual +than those habits in which he had been trained, in consequence of the +necessity of stillness during Sir Edmund's long illness. It was more +natural to him to shut the door quietly than to bang it, to speak than +to shout, and to amuse himself tranquilly in the house than to make a +great uproar. He was courteous, too, and obliging; and though Lionel and +Johnny were in consequence inclined to regard him as a "carpet knight so +trim," the ladies fully appreciated these good qualities. Mrs. Lyddell +perhaps made the more of her satisfaction, because she was conscious of +not liking his sister's stiff, formal, frightened manners. + +Mrs. Lyddell waited till the boys came from dressing, and took them all +three down with her. Clara sat down in the window-seat to watch the +arrivals, as soon as she had recovered from her amazement at hearing +that Marian had not been in a house with a dinner-party since Gerald was +born. "Is it possible!" she went on saying, and then bursting into a +laugh, till Caroline said sharply, "How can you be so silly, Clara! you +know the reason perfectly well." + +"But it is so odd," continued Clara. "Why, we are never a week without a +party, and sometimes two!" + +"Hush," said Caroline, "or I shall never finish my Italian." + +The little boys came up to tea; Gerald would not make much answer when +Clara asked if the ladies had talked to him, but Johnny looked cross, +and Lionel reported "it was because his nose was put out of joint." +Coming up to Marian, to whom he seemed to have taken a fancy, Lionel +further explained confidentially how all the ladies made a fuss with +Johnny, and admired his yellow curls, and called him the rose-bud, and +all sorts of stuff; and how Johnny liked to go down in his fine crimson +velvet, and show off, and have all his nonsense praised, "And the pretty +dear is so jealous," said Lionel, "that he can't bear any one to say one +word to poor me--oh no!" + +"Why, do you wish for them to do so?" said Marian. + +"Oh no, not I--I never did; and I'm glad I'm grown too big and ugly for +them. I always get as near Elliot as I can and try to hear if they are +saying any thing about the hunt; and the ladies never trouble their +heads about what is good for any thing, so they never talk to me." + +"That is no great compliment to Gerald," said Marian. + +"Ah! you'll soon see. If there is any fun in him, they will soon cast +him off; but now he is new, and he has not found them out yet, and they +_do_ dearly like to say Sir Gerald; so Johnny is regularly thrown out, +and that is what makes him look sulky." + +"Well, but it is using him very ill to desert him for Gerald," said +Marian. + +"Oh, they won't desert him. They like mamma's good dinners too well for +that; only Johnny can't bear any one else to be taken notice of. Trust +the county member's son for their making much of him." + +"But that applies to you too, Lionel." + +"Ay, and I could soon get their civility if I cared for it," said Lionel +grandly. "But I know well enough what it is worth. Why, there is Walter, +who is the best of us all--nobody cares one straw for him, except +Caroline and--" + +"And you?" asked Marian. + +"Why--why--yes, if he was not so much of a parson already." + +"Oh, Lionel!" said Marian, shocked; and he turned it rather hastily into +"I mean, he is not up to any thing; he does not shoot, and he does not +care for dogs, or horses; nothing but books for ever." + +A summons to the tea-table put an end to Lionel's communications, which +had so amazed Marian that she could do nothing but ponder on them all +the time that Clara would leave her in quiet. + +The going into the drawing-room was to her a most awful affair; and +Saunders seemed to be very anxious about it, brushing and settling her +hair, and arranging the plain black frock, as if she would never have +done; seeming, too, not a little worried by Clara, who chose to look on +at all her proceedings. At last it was over Marian wished Gerald good +night, and descended with her two cousins and Miss Morley. Caroline +and Clara were in blue, Miss Morley in white; and as they entered just +opposite to a long pier glass, Marian thought that with her white face, +straight dark hair, and deep mourning dress, she looked like a blot +between them, and wished to shrink out of sight, instead of being +conspicuous in blackness. + +The ladies came in a few minutes after, and Caroline and Clara went +forward, shaking hands, smiling, and replying in a way which was by no +means forward, and with ease that to Marian was marvellous. If people +would but be kind enough not to look at her! But Mrs. Lyddell was a +great deal too civil for that too come to pass, and presently Marian was +called and introduced to two ladies. She was seated between them, and +they began talking to her in a patronising manner; telling her they +remembered her dear mamma at her age; saying that they had seen her +brother, and congratulating her on having two such delightful companions +as the Miss Lyddells. Then they asked about Devonshire; and as Marian's +cold short replies let every subject fall to the ground in a moment, +they proceeded to inquire whether she could play. Truth required her to +confess that she could, a very little; and then they begged to hear her. +Poor Marian! this was too much. She felt as if she was in a horrible +mist, and drawing up her head as she always did in embarrassment, she +repeated, "Indeed, indeed I cannot!" protestations which her tormentors +would not believe, and which grew every moment more ungracious, as, to +augment her distress, she saw that Mrs. Lyddell was observing her. At +the moment when she was looking most upright and rigid, Caroline came to +her relief. The same request had just been made to her, and she came to +propose to Marian to join in the one thing she knew she could play--a +duet which she had that morning been practising with Clara. It was very +kind, and Marian knew it; for Caroline had said that she never liked +that duet, and was heartily tired of it; but all the acknowledgement her +strange bashfulness would allow her to make was a grateful look, and a +whisper, "Oh, thank you!" + +Afterwards one of the young lively visitors sang, and Marian, who had +never heard much music, was quite delighted; her stiff company-face +relaxed, a tear came to her eyes, and she sat with parted lips, +forgetting all her fears and all the party till the singing was over, +and Caroline touched her, and told her it was bed-time. Marian wondered +to see how well Caroline and Clara managed to escape without being +observed; but she marvelled at their going to bed so much as if it was a +thing of course to have no "good night" from father or mother. When they +were outside the door, in the hall, Marian, her heart still full of the +music, could not help exclaiming, "How beautiful!" + +"What? Miss Bernard's singing?" said Clara. "I declare, Caroline, Marian +was very nearly crying! I saw you were, Marian." + +"She does sing very nicely," said Caroline, "but that song does not suit +her voice. It is too high." + +"And she makes faces," said Clara, "she strains her throat; and she has +such great fingers--I could never cry at Miss Bernard's singing, I am +sure." + +Marian did not like this. "Good night," said she, abruptly. + +"You are not vexed, are you?" said Clara, kindly. "I did not think you +would mind my noticing your crying. Don't be angry, Marian." + +"Oh, no, I am not at all angry," said Marian, trying to speak with ease, +but she did not succeed well. Her "good nights," had in them a tone as +if she was annoyed, as in fact she was; though not at all in the way +Clara supposed. She did not care for the notice of her tears, but she +said to herself, "This is what Edmund calls destroying the illusion. If +they would but have let me go to bed with the spell of that song resting +on me!" + +She sighed with a feeling of relief and yet of weariness as she came +into her own room, and found Saunders there. Saunders looked rather +melancholy, but said nothing for the first two or three minutes; then as +she combed Marian's hair straight over her face, she began, "I hope you +enjoyed yourself, Miss Marian?" + +"Oh, Saunders," said Marian, "I'm very tired; I don't think I shall ever +enjoy myself anywhere but at home." + +"Ah--hem--ah," coughed Saunders, solemnly; then, after waiting for some +observation from Marian, and hearing only a long yawn and a sigh, she +went on. "Prettily different is this place from home." + +"Indeed it is," said Marian, from her heart. + +"Such finery as I never thought to see below stairs, Miss Marian. I am +sure the Manor House was a pattern to all the country round for comfort +for the servants, and I should know something about it; but here--such +a number of them, such eating and drinking all day long, and the very +kitchen maids in such bonnets and flowers on Sundays, as would perfectly +have shocked Mrs. White. And they are so ignorant. Fancy, Miss Marian, +that fine gentleman the butler declaring he could not understand me, and +that I spoke with a foreign accent! I speak French indeed!" + +"But, Saunders," said Marian, rather diverted, "you do speak Devonshire +a little." + +"Well, Miss Marian, perhaps I may; I only know 'tisn't for them to +boast, for they speak so funny I can't hardly make them out; and with +my own ears I have heard that same Mr. Perkins himself calling you Miss +Harundel. But that is not all. Why, not half of them ever go to church +on a Sunday; and as to Mrs. Mitten, the housekeeper, not a bit does she +care whether they do or not; and no wonder, when Mr. Lyddell himself +never goes in the afternoon, and has gentlemen to speak to him. And then +down at the stables--'tis a pretty set of drinking, good-for-nothing +fellows there. I hope from my heart Sir Gerald won't be for getting down +there among them; but they say Master Lionel and Master John are always +there. And that Mr. Elliot--" + +In this manner Saunders discoursed all the while she was putting Marian +to bed. Both she and her young lady wore doing what had much better have +been let alone. Saunders had no business to carry complaints and gossip, +Marian ought not to have listened to them; but the truth was that +Saunders was an old attached confidential servant, who had come to +Oakworthy, more because she could not bear to let her young master and +mistress go entirely alone and unfriended among strangers, than because +it would be prudent to save a little more before becoming Mrs. David +Chapple. Fern Torr was absolute perfection in her eyes; and had the +household at Oakworthy been of superior excellence, she would have found +fault with everything in which it differed from the Manor House. Her +heart was full; and to Miss Marian, her young lady, a Fern Torrite, a +Devonian like herself, she must needs pour it out, where she had no +other friend. On the other hand, Saunders was still in Marian's eyes a +superior person--an authority--one whom she could never dream of keeping +in order, or restraining; and here a friend, a counsellor, the only +person, except Gerald, who had known the dear home. + +So a foundation was laid for confidences from Saunders, which were not +likely to improve Marian's contentment. When she had bidden her maid +good night, and sat thinking before she knelt down to say her prayers, +she felt bewildered; her head seemed giddy with the strangeness of this +new world; she knew not what in it was right and what was wrong; all +that she knew was, that she felt lonely and dreary, and as if it could +never be home. Her heart seemed to reach out for her mother's embrace +and support, and then Marian sank down on her knees, rested her face on +her arms, and while the tears began to flow, she murmured, "OUR FATHER, +Which art in heaven." + +Soon after, her weary head was on her pillow, and the dim grey light of +the summer night showed the quiet peace and calmness that had settled on +her sleeping face. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + "That is not home where, day by day, + I wear the busy hours away." + + +In a short time, Marian had settled into her place at Oak Worthy, lost +some part of her shyness towards the inhabitants, and arrived at the +terms which seemed likely to continue between her and her cousins. + +There was much that was very excellent about Caroline Lyddell; she had +warm feeling, an amiable and obliging disposition, and great sweetness +of temper; and when first Marian arrived she intended to do all in her +power to make her at home, and be like a sister to her. But she did not +understand reserve; and before Marian had got over her first shyness +and awkwardness, Caroline felt herself repulsed, and ceased to make +demonstrations of affection which met with no better response. Marian +made none on her side; and so the two cousins remained very obliging and +courteous to each other, but nothing more. + +Clara had begun by making herself Marian's inseparable companion in +rather a teasing manner, caressing her continually, and always wanting +to do whatever she was doing; but as novelty was the great charm +in Clara's eyes, and as she met with no very warm return to her +endearments, all this soon wore off; and though she always came to +Marian whenever she had any bit of news to tell,--though she often +confided to her little complaints of the boys or Miss Morley,--this was +no great compliment, for she would have done the same to anything that +had ears. Her talk was no longer, as it had been at first, exclusively +for Marian; and this wag rather a relief, for it was not at all like the +talk Marian was used to with Agnes or with Edmund. + +Young and unformed as Marian was, it would be hard to believe how much, +without knowing it, she missed the intercourse with superior minds, to +which she had been accustomed. It was just as her eye was dissatisfied +with the round green chalk hills, instead of the rocks and streams of +her own dear home; or as she felt weary of the straight, formal walks +she now took, instead of her dear old rambles, + + "Over bank and over brae, + Where the copsewood is the greenest, + Where the fountain glistens sheenest, + Where the lady-fern grows strongest, + Where the morning dew lies longest." + +Edmund's high spirits, Agnes' playful glee,--how delightful they were! +and though Marian often laughed now, it was not as she had laughed at +home. Then, too, she grew shy of making remarks, or asking questions, +when Clara had nothing to say but "How odd!" or Miss Morley would give +some matter-of-fact answer, generally either quite beside the point, or +else what Marian know before. Caroline understood what she meant, and +would take up the subject, but not always in a satisfactory manner; for +she and Marian always seemed to have quite opposite ways of viewing +every thing. Each felt that the other had more serious thoughts and +principles than most of those around them, but yet their likings and +dislikings were very different in the matter of books. "Anna Ross" was +almost the only one of Caroline's favourites that Marian cordially +liked; and this, as Caroline suspected, might he owing to a certain +analogy between Anna's situation and her own, by no means flattering to +the Lyddell family. It was wonderful how many were the disparities +of tastes, views, and opinions between them; but the root of these +differences seemed undiscoverable, since Marian would not or could not +argue, replied to all objections with a dry, short, "I don't know," and +adhered unalterably to her own way of thinking. + +Miss Morley settled the matter by pronouncing that Sir Edmund and Lady +Arundel must have been very narrow-minded people; and this judgment was +so admired by Caroline and Clara, that it was sure to be brought forward +as conclusive, whenever Marian was the subject of conversation. At last +Lionel broke in one day, "Stuff! Marian is a good, sensible, downright +girl, and it is my belief that all that you mean by narrow-mindedness is +that she cares for what is right, and nothing else." + +"How much you know about it, Lionel!" said Clara, laughing; but Caroline +answered in earnest, "There is reason in what you say, Lionel--Marian +does care for what is right; but the question is, whether her views of +it are not narrow?" + +"The narrower the better, say I," said Lionel, as he plaited his +whip-lash. + +"Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, that leadeth unto life," +came into Caroline's head, and she stood thoughtful. Clara exclaimed, +"Well done, Lionel! I wonder what he'll say next to defend his dear +Marian." + +"I know what I mean well enough," said Lionel. "I suppose you call it +being broad-minded to trace your drawings through against the window, +when mamma goes on telling you not. Better have her narrow mind, say I." + +"Then why don't you," said Clara, "instead of going down to the stables +for ever with that man of Elliot's that mamma said you were never to +speak to?" + +Lionel whisked his whip-lash before Clara's eyes, so as to make her +wink. "I did not say I was good myself;" said he; "I said Marian was." +And he ran out of the room. + +Clara laughed at Lionel's admiration of Marian, which had begun to be +a joke in the schoolroom; but Caroline, as she practised her music, +thought a good deal over the conversation. "Is a narrow mind really a +fear of doing wrong?" was a question she asked herself several +times; and then she thought of all the things she had heard called +narrow-minded and scrupulous in Marian or others, but she soon found +herself lost in a mist, and wished she could talk it over with her +former governess, Miss Cameron. As to what Lionel had said about the +drawing, she was conscious she was very wrong; her mamma had called it +an idle practice to trace the outline through against the glass, and +had forbidden it; but a difficulty had soon brought her back to the +window-pane, exclaiming, "Just for this one thing, I am sure mamma would +not object." + +"If Miss Cameron had been here, it would not have happened," said +Caroline to herself with a sigh, and for a few days she kept away from +the window; but another difficulty occurred, again she yielded to the +temptation, and whoa she heard her mother's step in the passage, hurried +back to her desk with guilty precipitation. A few days after, Clara was +actually caught in the fact by Mrs. Lyddell, and then Miss Morley began +making an excuse, evidently quite as much out of kindness to herself as +to her pupil. Marian looked up in surprise, with a wondering, inquiring +expression in her eyes. They were cast down the instant the governess +turned towards her; but Miss Morley always felt abashed, by meeting that +look of astonishment, which awoke in her a sensation of self-reproach +such as she had seldom known before. + +Miss Morley was a little afraid of Marian's eyes, though not of her in +any other respect; nor did she like her much better than Caroline did, +though she gave her much less trouble than any of her other pupils, +except Caroline. Those questions and observations puzzled her, and she +thought the poor child had been reading books beyond her years--it was +such a great disadvantage to be an only daughter. Besides, she really +believed Marian Arundel had no affection for any one,--no warmth of +feeling; she would ten times prefer a less diligent and more troublesome +pupil, in whom she could take some interest, and who showed some +affection, to one so steady and correct in behaviour, without the frank +openness of heart which was so delightful. To make up, however, for this +general want of liking for poor Marian, on the other hand, every one was +fond of Gerald. His behaviour in the schoolroom was so very nice and +good, and out of doors his climbing, running, and riding were no less +admired by his contemporaries. Now and then, indeed, a dispute arose +between him and the other two boys, when Gerald criticised, and declared +that "Edmund and everybody" thought as he did; or when he would try to +outdo the sporting exploits reported of Elliot, by Edmund's shooting at +Fern Torr. One day there was a very serious quarrel, Gerald having +taken up the cause of an unfortunate frog, which Lionel and Johnny were +proposing to hunt, by rolling their marbles at it. + +Gerald declared they should not, that frogs were harmless, innocent +creatures, and that Edmund and everybody liked them. This only made +Lionel and Johnny more determined; partly from the absurdity of Gerald's +appeal, and partly for the sake of mischief; and Gerald was overpowered, +unable to save his protégé, and obliged to witness its cruel death. He +burst into tears, and then, came the accusation of crying for a frog. +Poor little boy, he burst away from his tormentors, and never stopped +till, he was safe in his sister's room pouring out his grief to her +and Saunders (for it was her dressing-time), and comforted by their +sympathising horror and pity. + +Saunders said it gave her a turn, and Marian's feelings were much of the +same nature. She could not have thought it of Lionel. He was, indeed, +reckless and unruly; by reputation _the_ naughty one of the set; but +Marian had often thought that much of Johnny's misbehaviour was unjustly +charged on him, and there was an honesty about him, together with a +cordiality towards herself, which made her like him. And that he should +have been wantonly cruel! + +She comforted Gerald as well as she could, and they went back to the +schoolroom together. Lionel, as he often did, brought her a knot in a +piece of string to be untied; she felt almost ready to shrink from him, +as capable of such a deed, and gave it back to him after untying it, +without a word. Lionel stood leaning against the shutter looking at her +for some minutes, while she fetched her books, and sat down to learn her +lessons. Tea came in; and while there was something of a bustle, and all +the others were talking, and engaged in different ways, Lionel crossed +over to her and said in a low voice, "So Gerald has made you angry with +me?" + +"No; but Lionel, I could not have thought you would have done such a +thing." + +"'Twas only a frog," said Lionel; "besides, I only did it to tease +Gerald." + +"I do not see that that makes it any better," said Marian, gravely. + +"Why, Gerald was so ridiculous, to say Edmund and everybody liked frogs; +but I didn't--I only mean that, if he had not made a fuss, I would never +have hurt the frog, and I did not mean to kill it as it was; so never +mind, Marian. I'll tell you what, Marian," added he, sinking his voice, +"I'd rather Caroline and Clara, and poor unfortunate into the bargain, +scolded me till they were black in the face, than that you looked at me +as you did just now." + +"Did I?" said Marian, rather alarmed. "I am sure I did not know I looked +anyhow." + +"Didn't you, though? It is just the way you look at poor unfortunate +when she sports her humbug." + +"Hush, Lionel! this will never do. You know you ought not to talk in +that way," said Marian, rising to put an end to the conversation. + +"But we have made it up?" said Lionel, holding her dress. + +"Yes, yes," said Marian hastily, and with full forgiveness in look +and tone. As she took her place at the tea-table, she wondered within +herself what was the matter with her eyes to cause such remarks, and +still more why she could not help liking Lionel so much the best of her +cousins, in spite of all the naughtiness of word and deed, which shocked +her so much. + +The nest day she was walking in the garden with Clara, when Gerald came +running up, with an entreaty that she would come and have a game at +cricket with him and Lionel. Clara exclaimed, laughed, and stared in +amazement. + +"She plays famously," said Gerald; "she, and Agnes, and I, beat all the +other Wortleys one day last summer. Come, Marian, don't say no; we have +not had a game for a very long time." + +"Who is playing?" asked Marian. + +"Only Lionel and me; Johnny is out with Mrs. Lyddell Come, we want you +very much indeed; there's a good girl." + +To Clara's astonishment and Lionel's admiration, Marian complied; and +though, of course, no great cricketer, her skill was sufficient to +make her a prodigy in their eyes. But the game was brought to a sudden +conclusion by Miss Morley, who, seeing them from the window, came out +very much shocked, and gave the girls a lecture on decorum, which Marian +felt almost as an insult. + +When they went in, Gerald told Saunders the whole adventure; and she, +who at Fern Torr had been inclined to the same opinion as Miss Morley, +and had often sighed and declared it to be unlike young ladies when +Marian and Agnes had played, now agreed with him that it was very hard +on Miss Marian not to have a little exercise, lamented that she should +always be cooped up in the schoolroom, and declared that there could be +no harm in playing with such a little boy as Master Lionel. + +The most unpleasant result was, that Miss Morley and the cousins took an +impression that Agnes Wortley must be a vulgar romp, and were inclined +to think her an unsuitable friend for Marian. Their curiosity was +excited by the frequent letters between the two friends. Marian always +read those which she received with the utmost eagerness, hardly ever +telling any part of their contents, but keeping them to be enjoyed with +Gerald in her own room; and half her leisure moments were employed in +filling fat, black-edged envelopes, which were sent off at least as +often as once a week. + +"I wonder what she says about us!" said Clara, one day. + +"I don't think it would suit you," said Caroline; "I should not think +she painted us _couleur de rose_." + +"Except Lionel," said Clara, "if their admiration is mutual. But, by the +by, Miss Morley, why do you not desire to see her letters? You always +look at mine." + +"She is not quite in the same situation," said Miss Morley. + +"But could not you?" continued Clara. "It would be very entertaining +only to look for once." + +"And I think it would be only proper," said Caroline. "Who knows what +she may say of us to these dear friends of hers?" + +The subject was not allowed to drop; the girls' curiosity led them to +find numerous reasons why their cousin's correspondence should not pass +without examination, and Miss Morley found she must either endure their +importunity, or yield to it. She was driven to choose the part of the +oppressor; and one day, when Clara had been tormenting her more than +usual, she addressed Marian, who was folding up a letter. "I think," +said she, speaking in a timid, deprecating tone--"I think, Marian, if +you please, it might be as well, perhaps, if I were sometimes to look +over your letters; it has always been the custom here." + +Then; was no encouragement to proceed in the look of blank amazement +with which Marian replied, "Edmund Arundel and Mr. Lyddell both approve +of my writing to Agnes Wortley." + +"Ah!" interposed Clara; "but did they mean that your letters should +never be looked over?" + +"I heard nothing about it," said Marian. + +"Miss Cameron always looked over mine," said Caroline. + +"I will ask Mr. Lyddell himself as soon as he comes home," said Marian, +determinedly. + +There was a pause, but Caroline and Clara did not look satisfied. Miss +Morley knew they would leave her no peace if she desisted, and she went +on,--"I wish I could sometimes see a proof of willingness to yield." + +Marian was out of patience, and putting her letter into the desk, locked +it up; and Caroline laughingly remarked, "Really, there must be some +treason in that letter!" If the observation had been taken as it was +meant, all would have been well; but Marian bit her lip with an air that +convinced the sisters that Caroline had hit the mark; and their glances +stimulated Miss Morley to say, as decidedly as she could, "Marian, your +present conduct convinces me that it is desirable that I should see that +letter." + +Marian's dark eyes gave one indignant flash, as she proudly drew up her +head, opened her desk, laid her letter on the table before Miss Morley, +and slowly walked out of the room; but as soon as she had shut the door, +she ran at full speed along the passage to her own room, where, throwing +herself on the bed, she gave way to a fit of violent weeping, and sobs +which shook her whole frame. Proud, passionate feelings at first almost +choked her, and soon these were followed by a flood of the bitter tears +of loneliness and bereavement. "Who would have dared insult her thus, +had her father and mother been living?" and for a minute her agony for +their loss was more intense than it had ever been. Gradually, "the +turbid waters brightening as they ran," became soothing, as she dwelt on +the sweet, holy memory of her parents, and wholesome as she mourned over +her fit of pride and anger. But for what were they accountable, whose +selfish weakness and thoughtless curiosity had caused the orphan's tears +to flow? + +Caroline had not seen those flashing eyes without an instant perception +of the injustice of the accusation. Her half-jesting speech had led +the matter much further than she had intended; and alarmed at the +consequences, she ran after her cousin to entreat her pardon; but +Marian, unconscious of all save the tumult within herself, hurried on +too fast to be overtaken, and just as Caroline reached her door, had +shut it fast, and drawn the bolt, and a gentle knock and low call of +"Marian, dear Marian," were lost in the first burst of sobs. Caroline, +baffled and offended, turned away with feelings even more painful than +hers; and too proud to repeat the call, walked up and down, waiting till +the door should be opened, to assure her cousin that nothing should +induce her to touch the letter, and to beg her forgiveness; but as +minutes passed away in silence, she grew tired of waiting, thought +Marian sullen and passionate, and at length, returned to the schoolroom. +As soon as she entered, Clara exclaimed, "O Caroline, only think, how +odd--" + +"I don't want to hear anything about it," said Caroline, sitting down to +the piano; "I wish we had never thought of it." + +She began, playing with all her might, but gradually she abated her +vehemence, as she caught a few sounds of a conversation between Clara +and Miss Morley. At last she turned round, asking, "What? who is his +godfather?" + +"Mr. Arundel, 'Edmund and every body,' you know," answered Clara. "I +never heard anything like it. Only fancy his hearing that boy say his +catechism!" + +"What? I don't understand," said Caroline; "Mr. Arundel and Gerald! +Nonsense! He can't be his godfather. Mamma said he was only +four-and-twenty, and Gerald is almost nine." + +"Here is Marian's authority for it," said Clara; "and certainly those +Arundels are a curious family." + +"Mr. Arundel is the next heir, is he not?" inquired Miss Morley. + +"Yes," said Caroline; "I heard mamma telling old Mrs. Graves the whole +story. His father and mother both died when he was very young, and Sir +Edmund brought him up entirely, and every one looked upon him as the +heir till Gerald was born; and a groat disappointment it must have been, +for now he has next to nothing. But they all were just as fond of each +other as before; and it does seem very strange that Sir Edmund should +have made him their guardian, at his age, when there was Lord Marchmont, +who is their cousin, too." + +"I dare say," said Clara, as if a most brilliant thought had struck her, +"I dare say there is a family compact, such as one reads of in books, +that he is to marry Marian." + +"My dear Clara!" said Miss Morley laughing, "How should such a notion +come into your little head?" + +"Now see if it is not so!" said Clara; "I do believe she is in love with +him already, and he is coming to see her." + +"Is he?" cried Caroline, "I am very curious to sec him. Mamma says he is +very handsome, and quite a distinguished looking person. When does he +come?" + +"You had better read," said Clara; "I can tell you that there are +wonderful things in the letter." + +Curiosity again asserted its power, and Caroline yielded. The letter had +been opened, and it would not signify if one more person looked at it. +She took it, and read eagerly and stealthily, starting at every sound. + + "My dear Agnes--I hope you and Jemmy are getting + on well in your solitude without the schoolboys. Tell + Charles, when you write, that a gentleman staying here + caught a trout last week that weighed three pounds, but I + believe that those which are caught in these rivers taste of + mud, and are not nearly so good as our own. I was very + much afraid that Gerald would go to school this summer, + but now Mrs. Lyddell has heard that it was settled that he + should not go till he was ten, and it is arranged for him to + stay till next year, when I hope he will be happier than + Charles was at first. You asked after his drawing, so I + have put in the last scrap I met with, and in case you + should not be able to find out what it is meant for, I must + inform you that it is the dog springing on the young Buecleuch. + The other day he sent Edmund a letter in hieroglyphics, + with pictures instead of nouns, and Edmund answered + it in the same way with funny little clever drawings + throughout. His regiment is going abroad nest spring, he + thinks, to the Cape, but he has promised to come and see us + first, and thinks of going home to see about his things. + Thank Mrs. Wortley for being so kind as to scold me for + not dating my letters. I shall not be likely to forget the + date of this on September 30th, for Mr. Lyddell has just + paid me my first quarter's allowance, and I am frightened + to think how large it is; ten pounds a quarter only for my + dress, and I am to have more when I am seventeen. So + matters can go on more as they used in the parish. Will + you be so kind as to pay this quarter's schooling for Amy + Lapthorn and Honor Weeks and Mary Daw, and find out + what clothes they want, and if Susan Grey has not a new + bonnet, give her one, and a flannel petticoat for old Betty, + and if any body else wants anything else let me know, and + pay up for all the children that dear mamma used to put into + the penny club, and send me word what it comes to, and I + will send the money when Edmund comes to pay his visit. + I suppose the apples are gathered by this time; you cannot + think how I miss the golden and red piles under the trees, + and the droning of the old cyder press. And do those beautiful + Red Admiral butterflies come in the crowds they did + last year to the heaps of apples in our orchard? Do you remember + how we counted five that all came and sat on your + pink frock while we were watching them? + + "Will Mr. Wortley be kind enough to tell me of some + book of questions on the Catechism, more advanced than the + one he gave me? I suppose we ought to go on with the Catechism, + till we are confirmed, and so Gerald and I always go + through a section every Sunday, taking the book by turns, + and he knows our old one perfectly. He is so good and + steady about it that I quite wonder, considering that there + is no authority to keep him up to it, but he is very anxious + to stand a good examination when his godfather comes, and + Edmund is sure to ask hard questions. And Gerald has + never missed since we have been here, getting up in time to + come and read the Psalms with me before breakfast, and + really I think that is exceedingly good of him; but I have + come to the end of my paper, so good-bye. + + "Your affectionate + + "MARIAN C. ARUNDEL." + +Caroline's cheeks glowed as she read, both with shame at her own +proceedings, and with respect for her narrow-minded cousin; but she had +no opportunity for making remarks, for just as she had finished the +letter, and folded it up again, the boys were heard coming in. The first +thing Gerald said was, "So Marian has not sent her letter; I will run +down with it, or it will be too late." + +"It is not sealed," said Clara. + +"Clara looks as if she had been peeping," said Johnny. + +"I should like to see any one peep into Marian's letters," said Gerald, +taking it up, and carrying it away with him. + +Lionel stood with his eyes fixed on Clara. "I do believe it is true +then!" said he, laying hold of Clara's arm; "I have a great mind to say +I'll never speak to you again, Clara. Peeping into people's letters. +Why, you ought to be hooted through the town!" + +The boys looked nearly ready to put the hooting into effect, but Clara +answered angrily, "Peeping! I have been doing no such thing! Don't be so +rude, Lionel." + +"That is humbug," said Lionel; "you have been looking impudently, if you +have not been peeping slyly." + +"Lionel, you are a very naughty boy indeed!" said Clara, almost crying; +"I have done just as Miss Morley and Caroline have been doing; Miss +Morley always looks over----" + +"Let who will do it," said Lionel, "it is an impudent, ungentlemanlike +thing, that you all ought to be ashamed of. I declare papa shall hear of +it." + +"Lionel, do you know what you are saying?" said Caroline. + +"This is sadly naughty!" feebly murmured Miss Morley. + +"Lionel, mamma will be very angry," said Clara. + +"I don't care," said Lionel loudly and vehemently; "I know that you all +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, every one of you. Why, if you +were boys you would never hold up your heads again; but girls can do +anything, and that is the reason they have no shame." + +"Hush! Lionel, dear Lionel!" said Caroline, coming to him persuasively, +but he shook her off: + +"I want none of your _dears_," said he; "ask Marian's pardon, not mine." + +He turned his back, and took up a book. The girls dared say no more to +him; Miss Morley very nearly cried as she thought how impossible it was +for women to manage great boys. She ought to complain of his rudeness, +but the explanation of what gave rise to it was impossible, and so, poor +woman, she thought herself too good-natured. + +Gerald, in the meantime, had gone to his sister's room, where he called +hastily on finding the door fastened. She opened it, and he eagerly +asked what was the matter. + +"Never mind," said Marian; "thank you for remembering my letter. Will +you fetch the sealing wax out of----" + +"Well, but what is the matter?" + +"Nothing that signifies; never mind." + +"But I do mind, I can't bear for you to cry. You know I can't, so don't +begin again," added he, as his affectionate tones made her lip quiver, +and her eyes fill with tears. + +"But, Gerald, pray get the wax, or----. But no, no," added she +hurriedly, "do not, I will not touch it, till----" + +"Till when?" asked Gerald; "I wish you would tell me how they have +been vexing you. I am sure they hare, for they all looked guilty. Poor +Marian!" He put his arm round her neck, and drew her cheek to his. Who +could withstand such a brother? Marian whispered. "Only--but don't make +a fuss--only Miss Morley made me show her my letter." + +He started from her, and broke forth into a torrent of indignation; and +it was not quickly that she succeeded in getting him to listen to her +entreaties that he would not tell any one. + +"What do you mean to do?" said he. "O I will write such a letter to +Edmund, in hopes she will ask to see it. But she won't venture on mine. +Shall I tell Edmund?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you do nothing; pray don't say anything. I will speak +to Mr. Lyddell, for it was he who gave me leave." + +"And I hope he will give poor unfortunate a good rowing. Won't it be +fun?" + +"Now, Gerald, pray don't say such things, or I shall be sorry I told +you. I dare say she thought it was right." + +"Stuff and nonsense! Right indeed! I hope Mr. Lyddell will give it to +her well!" + +"If I may not write without having my letters read, I am sure I shall +never be able to write at all!" + +"And when shall you speak? Luckily there is no company to-night, and I +hope I shall be there to hear." + +"No, you will not; I shall wait till you are gone to bed, for I am sure +Lionel and Johnny ought to know nothing about it. I believe I had better +not have told you; but, Gerald, you are all I have, and I can't help +telling you everything." + +"Of course, Marian, so you ought, for let them laugh at me as they will, +I always tell you everything. And won't it be nice when I am grown up, +and we can get away from them all, and live at home together, and I go +out shooting every day, and you and Ranger stand at the top of the steps +to watch me? For Ranger will be too old to go out shooting by that +time." + +In the midst of this picture of rural felicity, Saunders came to tell +Marian that it was time to dress. + +When she returned to the schoolroom, Caroline would have given anything +not to have read the letter; she was too sure that there was nothing +wrong in it, and she could not show the trust in her cousin which would +have enabled her to speak freely, and say she was very sorry for her +speech and meant nothing by it; nor did she wish to revive the subject +before Lionel, whose indignation would be still more unpleasant in +Marian's own presence. She therefore said nothing, and on the other hand +Marian felt awkward and constrained; Lionel was secretly ashamed of his +own improper behaviour to Miss Morley, and well knowing that he should +never dare to perform his threat of telling his father, put on a surly +kind of demeanour, quite as uncivil to Marian as to anyone else; and but +that Clara never minded anything, and that Johnny knew and cared little +about the matter, their tea that evening would have been wonderfully +unsociable. Gerald had not much to say, but the bent of his thoughts was +evident enough when his ever-busy pencil produced the sketch of a cat +pricking her paw by patting a hedgehog rolled up in a ball. + +Neither Miss Morley nor her pupils ever expected to hear more of the +letter, for they knew perfectly well that what Lionel had said was but a +threat, for the appeal direct to Mr. or Mrs. Lyddell was a thing never +thought of at Oakworthy. Marian had, however, made up her mind; her +anxiety overpowered her shyness; she knew that Mr. Lyddell was the +proper person, and perhaps the fact was that she was less afraid of him +than of his wife. So, though she resisted all the glances cast at her +by Gerald, whenever he thought he saw a good opportunity for her, and +waited till all the three little boys had gone to bed, she by no means +gave up her purpose. It was time for her too, to wish good night; and +while her heart beat fast, she said, "Mr. Lyddell, you gave me leave to +write to Agnes Wortley. Was it on condition of my letters being looked +over?" + +"Who meddles with your letters?" said Mr. Lyddell, much surprised. + +Caroline, having helped to get her governess into the scrape, thought +it but fair to say what she could for her, and answered, "Miss Morley +thought that you and mamma would wish it." + +"By no means," said Mr. Lyddell, turning to Marian, "I have the +highest opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley, the very highest; I wish your +correspondence to be perfectly free." + +"Thank you," said Marian. "Good night!" and away she went, to tell +Gerald how it had passed; and he, who had been lying awake in +expectation, was much disappointed to hear no more than this. + +As soon as she was gone, Mrs. Lyddell exclaimed, "What could have given +Miss Morley reason to think that her letters were to be inspected? +Really, Miss Morley must have some courage! I should be sorry to be the +person to make the request." + +"Ah! Marian was very angry indeed," said Clara; "quite in a passion." + +"Very proper," said Mr. Lyddell. "A spirited thing. She is a girl of +sense." + +Mrs. Lyddell let the matter drop with the girls, but going to the +schoolroom, she inquired into it more fully, and found that by poor +unfortunate faithful Morley's own account, she had allowed herself to +be made the tool of the curiosity of Caroline and Clara. She spoke +severely, and Miss Morley had displeasure to endure, which was +considerably more disagreeable than all Clara's importunities could have +been. + +However, the next morning it appeared as if the whole affair was +forgotten by all parties; Marian win just as usual, and so were her +cousins; but, in secret, Caroline felt guilty, and held her in higher +estimation since she had seen the contents of the letter, which, as +she could perceive, Marian might well be doubly unwilling to show; she +wished that Marian would but be as open to her as she was to Agnes, but +this unfortunate business seemed like another great bar to their ever +being really intimate, and she did not know how to surmount it. + +These reflections were shortly after driven out of Caroline's head by +a severe fit of toothache, which for three days made her unfit for +anything but to sit by the fire reading idle books. Mrs. Lyddell +proposed to take her to Salisbury to consult a dentist, and Lionel was +supposed likewise to require inspection. Then, turning to Marian, Mrs. +Lyddell said, "This is not the pleasantest kind of expedition, but +perhaps you may like to see Salisbury, and I think your bonnet wants +renewing." + +"Thank you," said Marian, pleased with the Invitation. "I shall be very +glad to go; I believe my teeth ought to be looked at. The dentist at +Exeter said last winter that they were crowded and ought to be watched." + +"Very well," said Mrs. Lyddell, "we will see what Mr. Polkinghorn says." + +"Polkinghorn," said Marian, as Mrs. Lyddell left the room; "that is a +Devonshire name." + +"You are very welcome to him, I am sure," said Caroline; "I wish the +trade was abolished." + +"What cowards girls are!" said Lionel. + +"Let us see how boys behave before we say anything against girls," was +Marian's answer. + +"Shan't you scream?" said Lionel. + +"Of course she will not," said Caroline, "unless with joy at meeting a +Devonshire man." + +Marian laughed, and Lionel began an exhilarating story about an +unfortunate who was strapped to the dentist's chair, dragged nine times +round the room, and finally had his jaw broken. + +Marian enjoyed her drive to Salisbury, though it added to her contempt +for Wiltshire scenery, by showing her more and more of desolate down. +She watched the tall Cathedral spire from far in the distance, peering +up among the hills like a picture more than a reality, and she admired +the green meadows and quiet vale where the town stands. Poor Caroline +was taken up with dreadful anticipations of Mr. Pokingtooth, as Lionel +called him, and when arrived at his clamber of torture, hung back, so as +to allow Marian to be the first victim. The result of the examination +was, that it would be better; though not absolutely necessary, that a +certain double tooth should be extracted, and Mr. Polkinghorn, left the +room in search of an instrument. + +"So you think it ought to go?" sighed Marian. + +"I should say so," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you may decide for yourself." + +Marian covered her face with her hands, and considered. The dentist +returned; she laid back her head and opened her mouth, and the tooth +was drawn. Caroline and Lionel escaped more easily, and they left the +dentist's. Mrs. Lyddell said something in commendation of Marian's +courage, and asked if she would like to see the Cathedral, an offer +which she gladly accepted, expecting to go to the service, as the bells +now began to ring; but she was disappointed, for Mrs. Lyddell said, "Ah! +I had forgotten the hour. We must do our commissions first, and be at +the Cathedral before the doors are shut." Marian did not venture to +express her wishes, but she thought of the days when attending the +Cathedral service had been the crowning pleasure of a drive to Exeter, +and in dwelling on the recollection, she spent the attention which Mrs. +Lyddell expected her to bestow on her new bonnet. + +Their business did not occupy them very long, and they entered the +Cathedral before the anthem was over; but Marian felt that it was not +fitting to loiter about the nave while worship was going on within the +choir; and the uncomfortable feeling occupied her so much, that she +could hardly look at the fair clustered columns and graceful arches, and +seemed scarcely to know or care for the gallant William Longsword, when +led to the side of his mail-clad, cross-legged effigy. The deep notes of +the organ, which delighted Caroline, gave her a sense of shame; and even +when the service was over, and they entered the choir, these thoughts +had not so passed away as to enable her to give full admiration to the +exquisite leafy capitals and taper arcades of the Lady Chapel. Perhaps, +too, there was a little perverseness in her inability to think that this +Cathedral surpassed that of Exeter. + +She thanked Mrs. Lyddell rather stiffly, as she thought to herself, "I +did not reckon upon this!" and they set out on their homeward drive. +Caroline looked thoughtful, and did not say much, Lionel fell asleep, +and Mrs. Lyddell, after a few not very successful attempts at talking to +Marian, took out her bills, and began to look over them and to reckon. +Marian sat looking out of the window, lost in a vision of the hills, +woods, and streams of Fern Torr, which lasted till they had reached +home. + +Such an expedition was so uncommon an event in the lives of the +inhabitants of the schoolroom, that those who stayed at home were as +excited about it as those who went, and a full and particular account +was expected of all they had seen and all they had done. Caroline and +Lionel both seemed to think Marian a perfect miracle of courage in +voluntarily consenting to lose a tooth. + +"And I am sure," said Caroline as they sat at tea, "I cannot now +understand what made you have it done." + +"To oblige a countryman," said Marian laughing. + +"Well, but what was your real reason?" persisted Caroline. + +"Mrs. Lyddell thought it best, and so did the dentist," said Marian. + +"O," said Caroline, "he only said so because it was his trade." + +"Then how could Mrs. Lyddell depend on him?" said Marian, gravely. + +"Dentists never are to be depended on," said Caroline; "they only try to +fill their own pockets like other people." + +"You forget," said Lionel, "Devonshire men are not like other people." + +"O yes, I beg their pardon," said Caroline, while every one laughed +except Gerald; who thought the praise only their due. + +"But why did you have it done?" said Clara, returning to the charge; "I +am sure I never would." + +"Yes, but Marian is not you," said Lionel. + +"You would have disobeyed no one," said Caroline. + +"I do not know," said Marian, thinking of one whom she would have +disobeyed by showing weakness. + +"Then did you think it wrong not to have that tooth drawn?" said +Caroline. + +"I do not know." + +"Did you think it right to have it done?" + +"I do not know, unless that I did not like it." + +"Do you mean to say that not liking a thing makes it right?" exclaimed +Clara. + +"Very often," said Marian. + +"Miss Morley, now is not that Popish?" cried Clara. + +"Perhaps your cousin can explain herself," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, "you must tell us what you mean." + +"I don't know," was Marian's first answer; but while uttering the reply, +the real reason arranged itself in words; and finding she must speak +clearly, she said, "Self-denial is always best, and in a doubtful case, +the most disagreeable is always the safest." + +Miss Morley said that Marian was right in many instances, but that this +was not a universal rule, and so the conversation ended. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + "O Brignal banks are fresh and fair, + And Greta woods are green; + I'd rather rove with Edmund there, + Than reign our English queen." + + ROKEBY. + + +Winter came, and with it the time fixed for that farewell visit from +Edmund Arundel, to which Marian and Gerald had long looked forward. +Marian was becoming very anxious for it on Gerald's account, for she was +beginning to feel that he was not quite the same child as when he first +arrived at Oakworthy. He was less under control, less readily obedient +to Miss Morley, less inclined to quote Edmund upon all occasions, more +sensible of his own consequence, and more apt to visit that forbidden +ground, the stables. + +She longed for Edmund's coming, trusting to him to set everything right, +and to explain to her the marvels of this strange new world. + +Several gentlemen were staying in the house, and there was to be a +dinner party on the day when he was expected, so that she thought the +best chance of seeing him would be to stay in the garden with Gerald, +while the others took their walk, so that she might be at hand on his +arrival. Clara, though by no means wanted, chose to stay also, and the +two girls walked up and down the terrace together. + +"It is so very odd," said Clara "that you should care about such a great +old cousin." + +"He is only twenty-four," answered Marian. + +"But he must have been grown up ever since you remember." + +"Yes, but he is so kind. He used to carry us about and play with us when +we were quite little children, and since I have been older he has made +me almost a companion. He taught me to ride, and trained my bay pony, +my beautiful Mayflower, and read with me, and helped me in my music and +drawing." + +"That is more than Elliot would do for us, if he could," said Clara. "It +is very dull to have no one to care about our lessons, but to be shut up +in the schoolroom for ever with poor unfortunate." + +Marian did not choose to say how fully she assented to this complaint, +but happiness had opened her heart, and she went on,--"I have had so +many delightful walks with him through the beautiful wood full of rocks, +and out upon the moor. O, Clara, you cannot think what it is to sit upon +one of those rocks, all covered with moss and lichen, and the ferns +growing in every cleft and cranny, and the beautiful little ivy-leafed +campanula wreathing itself about the moss, and such a soft, free, +delicious air blowing all around. And Edmund and I used to take out a +book, and read and sketch so delightfully there!" + +"Do you know, Marian," said Clara mysteriously, "I have heard some one +say--I will not tell you who--that it is a wonder that Mr. Arundel is so +fond of you, of Gerald, at least, for if it was not for him, he would +have had Fern Torr, and have been Sir Edmund." + +"But why should he not be fond of Gerald?" + +"Really, Marian, you are a very funny person in some things," exclaimed +Clara. "To think of your not being able to guess that!" + +Here Mrs. Lyddell interrupted them by calling from the window to ask why +they were staying in the garden? + +"We were waiting to see Mr. Arundel, mamma," answered Clara. + +"I think," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that as I am going out, it is not quite +_the thing_ for you young ladies to wait to receive a gentleman in my +absence. You had better overtake the others. Marian will see Mr. Arundel +in the evening." + +"How cross!" exclaimed Clara, as soon as they were out of hearing. "Now +we have to go along that horrid, stupid path that poor unfortunate is +so fond of! If mamma had to go there herself, she would know what a +nuisance it is!" + +Marian was silent, because she was too much annoyed to speak properly +of Mrs. Lyddell, whose interference seemed to her a needless piece of +unkindness. At home she would have thought it strange not to hasten to +greet cousin Edmund, and she feared he would think she neglected him, +yet she could not, in Clara's presence, leave a message for him with her +brother. Gerald begged her to remain, but she replied, with, a short, +blunt "I can't," and set off with Clara, feeling provoked with +everybody. In process of time she recovered candour enough to +acknowledge to herself that Mrs. Lyddell was right as far as Clara was +concerned, but the struggle kept her silent, her cousin thought her +sulky, and the walk was not agreeable. + +Gerald did not as usual attend her toilette, but as she passed along the +passage on her way to the schoolroom, she heard sounds in the hall so +like home that her heart bounded, Gerald's voice and Edmund's in reply! +She could not help opening the door which separated the grand staircase +from the schoolroom passage, the voice sounded plainer, she looked over +the balusters, and saw--yes, actually saw Edmund, the top of his black +head was just below her. Should she call? Should she run half-way down +stairs, and just exchange one greeting unrestrainedly? But no; her heart +beat so fast as to take away her breath, and that gave her time for +recollection: Mrs. Lyddell might not think it proper, it would be +meeting him in an underhand way, and that would never do! + +Marian turned back, shut the door of communication, and in the next +moment was in the schoolroom. When Gerald came up to tea, he was in the +wildest spirit; making fun, romping with Lionel and John, and putting +everything in such an uproar that it was quite a relief when the time +came for going down to the drawing-room. + +Now, Marian's great fear was that the gentlemen would be cruel enough +to stay in the dining-room till after half-past nine, when she would +be obliged to go to bed. She could hardly speak to anybody, she shrank +away, as near the door as she dared, and half sprang up every time it +opened, then sat down ashamed of herself, and disappointed to see only +the servants with coffee and tea. + +At last, the fatal time had all but come, when the black figures of the +gentlemen entered one after the other, Marian scarcely venturing to look +at them, and overpowered with a double access of fright and shyness, +which chained her to her seat, and her eyes to the ground. But +now--Edmund's hand was grasping hers, Edmund was by her side, his voice +was saying, "Well, Marian, how are you?" + +She looked up at him for one moment, then on the ground again, without +speaking. + +"Oakworthy has put no colour in your cheeks," said he. "Are you quite +well?" + +"Quite, thank you," said she, almost as shortly and coldly as if she had +been answering Mrs. Lyddell. + +"When did you hear from home?" + +"Yesterday," said she, speaking more readily. "Agnes always writes once +a week. When do you go there?" + +"Next week, when I leave this place." + +"You come from the Marchmonts, don't you?" + +"Yes, Selina sends you her love, and all manner of kind messages. She +hopes to see you in London after Easter." + +"O dear! There is Mrs. Lyddell looking at me, and I see Caroline is +gone! Good night, Edmund." + +"So soon? I hoped to have seen more of you to-day; I came early on +purpose." + +"I thought so, but they would not let me stay at home." + +"I understand. Don't squeeze up your lips and look woeful. I knew how it +was. Good night." + +Marian walked slowly up stairs, sighing as she went, and looked into +Gerald's room. He was awake, and called out, "Well, Marian, are you not +glad he has come?" + +"O yes, very," returned Marian, in a tone of little gladness; "I hope +you will be very happy with him." + +"Why not you?" + +"It will be all disappointment," she answered in a choking voice, as, +sheltered by the darkness, she knelt down by Gerald's bed, and burst +into tears. "It will all be like to-day." + +"No, it shall not!" cried Gerald; "I will tell Edmund all about it, and +he shall send them all to the right about! I can't think why you did not +tell Mrs. Lyddell that you always stay at home for Edmund." + +"Miss Arundel," said Saunders, at the door, "do you know that it is half +an hour later than usual?" + +The next morning Marian awoke with brighter spirits. It was possible +that she might accomplish one walk with him, and Gerald was sure of +being constantly at his side, which was the great point. At any rate, +she could not be very unhappy while he was in the house. + +She heard nothing of him all the morning, but, just as the schoolroom +dinner was over, in came Mrs. Lyddell, and with her Edmund himself, to +the great surprise of all the inhabitants. Marian looked very happy, but +said very little, while there was some talk with Miss Morley, and then +Edmund asked if she had no drawings to show him. She brought out her +portfolio, and felt it like old times when he observed on her improved +shading, or criticised the hardness of her distant hills, while Miss +Morley wondered at his taste and science. It was delightful to find that +she and Gerald were really to take a walk with him by themselves. She +almost flew to fetch her walking dress, and soon the three were on their +way together. + +There was a great quantity of home news to be talked over, for Edmund +had not heard half so often nor so minutely as Marian, and he had to be +told how Charles Wortley got on at his new school, that Ranger had +been lost for a day and a half, and many pieces of the same kind of +intelligence, of which the most important was that Farmer Bright's widow +had given up the hill farm, and his nephew wanted to take it, but Mr. +Wortley hoped that this would not be allowed, as he was a dissenter. + +"Indeed!" said Edmund; "I wonder Carter did not mention that." + +"Had you heard this before?" said Marian; "I thought it news." + +"Most of it is," said Edmund, "but not about the farm. The letting it is +part of my business here, but I did not know of this man's dissent. Your +correspondence has done good service." + +"I am sure it is my great delight," said Marian; "I do not know what I +should do without hearing from Agnes. I think I have learnt to prize her +more since I have known other people." + +"You don't find the Miss Lyddells quite as formidable as you expected +though?" said Edmund; "the eldest has a nice open, countenance." + +"We get on very well," said Marian. "Caroline is so good-tempered and +clever, and Lionel is delightful." + +"O, Edmund," interposed Gerald, "Lionel and I had such fun the other +day. We caught the old donkey and blindfolded it with our handkerchiefs, +and let it loose, and if you could but have seen how it kicked up its +heels----" + +They went on with the history of adventures of the same description, +enjoying themselves exceedingly, and when Marian went in, she was much +pleased to find how favourable an impression Edmund had made on her +companions, although some of their commendations greatly surprised her; +Miss Morley pronouncing that he had in the greatest degree an _air +distingue_, and was a remarkably fashionable young man. Marian could +endure the _air distingue_, but could hardly swallow the fashionable +young man, an expression which only conveyed to her mind the idea of +Elliot Lyddell and his moustached friends. However, she knew it was +meant for high praise, and her present amiable fit was strong enough to +prevent her from taking it as an insult. + +The next day was Sunday, and she provokingly missed Edmund three times, +in the walks to and from church, he being monopolized by "some stupid +person," who had far less right to him than she had; but at last, +when she had been completely worried and vexed with her succession of +disappointments, and had come into what Lionel would have emphatically +called "a state of mind," Edmund contrived to come to her before going +in doors, and asked if she could not take a few turns with him on the +terrace. She came gladly, and yet hardly with full delight, for the +irritation of the continually recurring disappointments through the +whole day, still had its influence on her spirits, and she did not at +first speak. "Where is Gerald?" asked Edmund. + +"I don't know; somewhere with the boys," said Marian, disconsolately. + +"Well, why not?" said Edmund laughing. + +"I don't know," said Marian. + +"That is a meditative 'I don't know,' which conveys more than meets the +ear." + +"I don't know whether----; I mean I don't think it does Gerald any +good." + +"It?--what?" + +"I don't know," repeated Marian in a tone which to any one else would +have appeared sullen. + +"I should like to arrive at your meaning, Marian. Are you not happy +about Gerald!" + +"I don't know," said Marian; but Edmund, convinced that all was not +right, was resolved to penetrate these determined professions of +ignorance. + +"Is Gerald under Miss Morley?" he asked. + +"Yes, during most of the day. They all say he is very good." + +"And does not that satisfy you?" + +"I don't know." + +Edmund perceived that the subject of her brother was too near her heart +to be easily approached, and resolved to change his tone. + +"How have you been getting on?" he asked. "Does learning flourish under +the present dynasty?" + +"I don't know," replied Marian for the seventh time, but she did not as +usual stop there, and continued, "they think one knows nothing unless +one has learnt all manner of dates, and latitudes, and such things. Not +one of them knew Orion when they saw him in the sky, and yet even Clara +thought me dreadfully stupid because I could not find out on the globe +the altitude of Beta in Serpentarius, at New Orleans, at three o'clock +in the morning." + +Edmund could not help laughing at her half-complaining, half-humorous +tone, and this encouraged her to proceed. + +"In history they don't care whether a man is good or bad; they only care +when he lived. O Edmund, the lists of names and dates, kings and Roman +emperors----." + +"Metals, semi-metals, and distinguished philosophers," said Edmund; and +Marian, who in days of old had read "Mansfield Park," laughed as she +used to do at home. + +"Exactly," said she, "O, Edmund, it is very different learning from what +it used to be. All lesson and no thinking, no explaining, no letting one +make out more about the interesting places. I wanted the other day to +look out in some history book to find whether Rinaldo in Tasso was a +real man, but nobody would care about it; and as to the books, all the +real good _grown-up_ ones are down in Mr. Lyddell's library, where no +one can get at them." + +"Does not Miss Lyddell enter into these things?" + +"O yes, Caroline does, a great deal more than Miss Morley; but I don't +know--I never can get on with Caroline----." + +Marian had now gone on to the moment when her heart was ready to be +open, and the whole story, so long laid up for Edmund, began to be +poured forth; while he, anxious to hear all, and more sympathizing than +he was willing to show himself, only put in a word or two here and +there, so as to sustain the narration. Everything was told, how Clara +was frivolous and wearisome; how Caroline was cold, incomprehensible, +and unsympathetic; how unjust and weak Miss Morley was; how sharp, +hasty, and unmotherly she found Mrs. Lyddell; and then, growing more +eager, Marian, with tears springing to her eyes, told of the harm the +influence of Oakworthy was doing Gerald; his love of the stables, and +Saunders' opinion of the company he was likely to meet there. This led +her to more of Saunders' communications about the general arrangement +of the house, and the want of really earnest care for what is right; +further still to what Saunders had told of Elliot and his ways, which +were such as to shock her excessively, and yet she had herself heard Mr. +Lyddell say that he was a fine spirited fellow! + +Edmund was not sorry to find that he had but small space in which to +give the reply for which Marian was eagerly looking. He avoided the main +subject, and spoke directly to a point on which his little cousin was +certainly wrong. "Well, Marian, who would have thought of your taking to +gossiping with servants?" Then, as she looked down, too much ashamed to +speak, he added, "I suppose poor Saunders has not sought for charms at +Oakworthy any more than you have." + +"Indeed I do not think I tried to make the worst of it when I came." + +"Is that a confession that you are doing so now?" + +"I do not know." + +"Then let us see if you will give the same account to-morrow; I shall +ask you whenever I see you particularly amiable. And now I think I have +kept you out quite late enough." + +The next day was very pleasant, bright, and frosty; Marian, from having +relieved her heart, felt more free and happy, and her lessons went off +quickly and smoothly. All went well, even though Edmund was obliged to +go and call on a friend at Salisbury instead of coming to walk with her. +Her walk with Miss Morley and her cousins was prosperous and pleasant; +the boys ran races, and Marian and Clara were allowed to join them +without a remonstrance. Marian was running and laughing most joyously, +when she was stopped by hearing a horse's feet near her, and looking +round saw Edmund returning from his ride. "May I keep her out a little +longer?" said he to Miss Morley, as he jumped off his horse, and Marian +came to his side. Miss Morley returned a ready assent, and after +disposing of the horse, the two cousins walked on happily together, she +telling him some pleasant histories of Gerald and the other little boys, +and lamenting the loss that Lionel would be when he went to school. +After they had talked over Salisbury Cathedral, and Marian had heard +with great interest of Edmund's late employments in Scotland, and all +he was to do and see in Africa, and saying much about that never-ending +subject, Fern Torr, Edmund thought her so cheerful that he said, "Well, +may I venture to ask your opinion of the people here?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, who was so much ashamed of the accusation +of gossiping with Saunders as to be willing to pass over all that had +been founded on her information, "perhaps I did say too much yesterday, +and yet I do not know I am sure I should never have chosen them for +friends." + +"Perhaps they would return that compliment." + +"Then you really think it is my own fault?" + +"No;" (Edmund tried hard to prevent his "no" from being too emphatic, +and forced himself to go on thus) "I do not suppose it is entirely your +fault, but at the same time you do not strike me as a person likely to +make friends easily." + +"O, Edmund, I could never bring myself to kiss, and say 'dearest' and +'darling,' and all that, like Clara." + +"There is the thing," said Edmund; "not that it is wrong to dislike +it, not that I could ever imagine your doing any thing like it;" and, +indeed, the idea seemed so preposterous, that both the cousins +laughed; "but the disposition is not one likely to be over and above +prepossessing to strangers." + +"You mean that I am disagreeable?" + +"No, far from it. I only mean that you are chilly, and make almost all +who come near you the same towards you." + +"I cannot help it," said Marian. + +"Yes, you could in time, if you did not fairly freeze yourself by +constant dwelling on their worst points. Make the best of them with all +your might, and you will soon learn to like them better." + +"But if the things are so, Edmund, how can I see them otherwise?" + +"Don't look out for them, and be glad of every excuse for disliking the +people. Don't fancy harshness and unkindness where no one intends it. I +am quite sure that Mr. Lyddell wishes to give you every advantage, and +that Mrs. Lyddell thinks she treats you like her own child." + +"I don't think I should like to be her own child," said Marian. "It is +true that she is the same with me as with them, but--" + +"Poor Marian," said Edmund, kindly, "you have been used to such +gentleness at home, that no wonder the world seems hard and unkind to +you. But I did not mean to make you cry; you know you must rough it, and +bravely too." + +"Never mind my crying," said Marian, struggling to speak; "it is +nothing, but I cannot help it. It is so very long since any one has +known what I meant." + +Edmund could not trust himself to speak, so full was he of affectionate +compassion for her, and of indignation against the Lyddells, when these +few words revealed to him all her loneliness; and they walked on for a +considerable distance in silence, till, with a sudden change of tone, he +asked if she had had any riding since she came to Oakworthy. + +"O no, I have not been on horseback once. What a treat a good canter on +Mayflower would be!" + +"I suspect one victory over her would put you in spirits to be amiable +for a month," said Edmund. + +"Dear old Mayflower!" said Marian. "How delightful that day was when she +first came home, and we took that very long ride to the Eastcombe!" + +Edmund and Marian fell into a line of reminiscences which enlivened them +both, and she went in-doors in a cheerful mood, while he seriously took +the riding into consideration; knowing, as he did, that her mother had +thought a great deal of out-of-door exercise desirable for her, and +guessing that her want of spirits might very probably arise from want of +the air and freedom to which she had always been accustomed. The result +of his meditations was, that the next morning she was delighted by +Gerald's rushing into the school-room, calling out, "Put on your habit, +Marian; make haste and put on your habit. You are to have my pony, and +I am to have Lionel's, and Edmund is to have Sorell, and we are all to +ride together to Chalk Down!" + +How fast Marian obeyed the summons may well be believed; and though +Gerald's pony was not comparable to Mayflower, it was much to feel +herself again in the saddle, with the fresh wind breathing on her +checks, and Edmund by her side. Par and joyously did they ride; so far, +that Gerald was tired into unusual sleepiness all the evening; but +Marian was but the fresher and brighter, full of life and merriment, +which quite surprised her cousins. + +But visits, alas! are fleeting things, and Edmund's last day at +Oakworthy came only too soon. Precious as it was, it was for the most +part devoted to business with Mr. Lyddell, though he sent Marian a +message that he hoped for a walk with her and her brother in the +afternoon. + +The hour came, but not the man; and while Caroline and Clara went out +with Miss Morley, Marian sat down with a book to wait for him. In about +an hour's time the boys came to tell her they were going to the pond +with Walter. + +"O Gerald, won't you wait for Edmund?" + +"I have waited till I am tired. I cannot stay in this whole afternoon, +and I do not think he will come this age." + +"He is shut up in the study with papa," said Lionel; "I heard their +voices very loud, as if they were in _such_ a rage." + +"I wish I could see them," said Johnny, "it would be such fun." + +Away ran the boys, leaving Marian in a state of wonder and anxiety, but +still confident that Edmund would not forget her. She put on her walking +dress, and sat down to her book again, but still she was left to wait. +The winter twilight commenced, and still no Edmund; steps approached, +but not the right ones; and in came the walking party, with a general +exclamation of "Poor Marian! what, still waiting?" Miss Morley advised +her to take a few turns on the terrace, instead of practising that +horrid Mozart. Marian disconsolately went down stairs, looking wistfully +at the library door as she went past it, and, at a funeral pace, +promenaded along the terrace. As she passed beneath the window of +Caroline's room, a head was popped out, and a voice sang-- + + "So, sir, you're come at last, I thought you'd come no more, + I've waited with my bonnet on from one till half-past four! + You know I sit alone--" + +At that moment, Edmund himself was seen advancing from the door; the +song ended in a scream of laughter and dismay, and the window was +hastily shut. Edmund smiled a little, but very little, and said, "True +enough, I am afraid I have used you very ill." + +"Tiresome affairs," said Marian, looking up into his harassed face. "I +hope they have not made your head ache?" + +"I have been worried, but it is not the fault of the affairs, I wish you +had not lost your walk," added he abruptly, beginning to stride on so +fast that she could scarcely keep up with him, and apparently forgetting +her presence entirely in his own engrossing thoughts. She watched him +intently as she toiled to keep by his side, longing, but not daring, +to inquire what was the matter. At last he broke out into a muttered +exclamation, "destitute of all principle! all labour in vain!" + +"What--how--Mr. Lyddell?" + +"This whole day have I been at it, trying to bring him to reason about +that farm!" + +"What? Did he wish the Dissenter to have it?" + +"He saw no objection--treated all I said as the merest moonshine!" + +"What? all the annoyance to the Wortleys, and the mischief to the poor +people!" exclaimed Marian, "Why, we should have a meeting-house!" + +"Nothing more likely, in the Manor field, and fifty pounds +subscribed--all for the sake of toleration and Gerald's interests." + +"You don't mean that he has done it?" said Marian, alarmed, and not +quite understanding Edmund's tone of irony, "Cannot you prevent it?" + +"I have prevented It; I said that, with my knowledge of my uncle's +intentions, I could never feel justified in consenting to sign the +lease." + +"And that puts a stop to it? Oh, I am very glad. But I suppose he was +very angry?" + +"I never saw a man more so. He said he had no notion of sacrificing +Gerald's interest to party feeling." + +"How could it be for Gerald's interest to bring Dissenters to Fern Torr? +I am sure it would be very disagreeable. I thought it, was quite wrong +to have any dealings with them." + +"He has been popularity-hunting too long to have many scruples on that +score." + +Marian could not help triumphing. "Well, Edmund, I am glad you have come +to my opinion at last. I knew you would not like the Lyddells when you +knew them better." + +"I never was much smitten with them," said Edmund, abruptly, as if +affronted at the imputation of having liked them. + +"But Edmund," cried Marian, standing still in the extremity of her +amazement, "what have you been about all this time? Have you not been +telling me it is all my own fault that I do not get on with them?" + +He was silent for a little while; and then turning round half-way, +as people do when much diverted, he broke out into a hearty fit of +laughter. "It is plain," said he, at last, "that nature never designed +me for a young lady's counsellor." + +"What do you mean, Edmund?" + +"I suspect I have done mischief," said Edmund, after a little +consideration, "and I believe all that remains to be done is to tell you +all, and come down from my character of Mentor, which certainly I have +not fulfilled particularly well." + +"I am sure I do not understand you," said Marian. + +"Well, then," said Edmund, speaking in a more free and unembarrassed +tone than he had used since he had been at Oakworthy, "this is the fact +of the matter, as Mrs. Cornthwayte would say, Marian. I always thought +it very unlucky that you were obliged to live here; but as it could not +be helped, and I really knew nothing against the Lyddells, there was no +use in honing and moaning about it beforehand, so I tried to make the +best of it. Well, I came here, and found things as bad as I expected, +and was very glad to find you steady in the principles we learnt at +home. Still, I thought you deficient in kindly feeling towards them, and +inclined to give way to repining and discontent, and I think you allowed +I was not far wrong. To-day, I must allow, I was off my guard, and have +made a complete mess of all my prudence." + +"O, I am very glad of it," said Marian. "I understand you now, and you +are much more like yourself." + +"Yes, it was a very unsuccessful attempt," said Edmund, again laughing +at himself, "and I am very glad it is over; for I have been obliged to +be the high and mighty guardian all this time, and I am very tired of +it;" and he yawned. + +"Then you don't like them any better than I do," repeated Marian, in a +tone of heartfelt satisfaction. + +"Stop, stop, stop; don't think that cousin Edmund means to give you +leave to begin hating them." + +"Hating them? O no! but now you will tell me what I ought to do, since +there is no possibility of getting away from them." + +"No, there is no possibility," said Edmund, considering; "I could not +ask the Marchmonts again, though they did make the offer in the first +fulness of their hearts. Besides, there are objections; I should not +feel satisfied to trust you to so giddy a head as Selina's. No, Marian, +it cannot be helped; so let us come to an understanding about these same +Lyddells." + +"Well, then, why is it that we do not do better? I know there are faults +on my side; but what are the faults on theirs?" + +"Marian, I believe the fault to be that they do not look beyond this +present life," said Edmund, in a grave, low tone. + +Marian thought a little while, and then said, "Caroline does, but I see +what you mean with the others." + +"Then your conduct should be a witness of your better principles," said +Edmund. "You may stand on very high ground, and it entirely depends +on yourself whether you maintain that position, or sink down to their +level." + +"O, but that is awful!" cried Marian; and then in a tone of still +greater dismay, "and Gerald? O, Edmund, what is to become of him?" + +"I must trust him to you, Marian." + +"To me!" + +"You have great influence over him, and that, rightly used, may be his +safeguard. Many a man has owed everything to a sister's influence." +Then, as Marian's eye glistened with somewhat of tender joy and yet of +fear, he went on, "But take care; if you deteriorate, he will be in +great danger; and, on the other hand, beware of obstinacy and rigidity +in trifles--you know what I mean--which might make goodness distasteful +to him." + +"O, worse and worse, Edmund! What is to be done? If I can do him so much +harm, I know I can do him very little good; and what will it be when he +is older, and will depend less on what I say?" + +"He will always depend more on what you _do_ than on what you say." + +"But what can I do? all the schoolboy temptations that I know nothing +about. And Elliot--O, Edmund! think of Elliot, and say if it is not +dreadful that Mr. Lyddell should have the management of our own Gerald? +Papa never could have known--" + +"I think, while he is still so young, that there is not much harm to be +apprehended from that quarter," said Edmund; "afterwards, I believe +I may promise you that he shall not be left entirely to Oakworthy +training." + +"And," said Marian, "could you not make him promise to keep away from +the stables? Those men--and their language--could you not, Edmund?" + +"I could, but I would not," said Edmund. "I had rather that, if +he transgresses, he should not break his word as well as run into +temptation. There is no such moral crime in going down to the stables, +as should make us willing to oblige him to take a vow against it." + +"Would it not keep him out of temptation?" + +"Only by substituting another temptation," said Edmund. "No, Marian; a +boy must be governed by principles, and not by promises." + +"Principles--people are always talking of them, but I don't half +understand what they are," said Marian. + +"The Creed and the Ten Commandments are what I call principles," said +Edmund. + +"But those are promises, Edmund." + +"You are right, Marian; but they are not promises to man." + +"I could do better if I had any one to watch me, or care about me," said +Marian. + +Edmund's face was full of sadness. "We--I mean you, are alone indeed, +Marian; but, depend upon it, it is for the best. We might be tempted not +to look high enough, and you have to take heed to yourself for Gerald's +sake." + +"I do just sometimes feel as I ought," said Marian; "but it is by fits +and starts. O, Edmund, I would give anything that you were not going." + +"It is too late now," said Edmund, "and there are many reasons which +convince me that I ought not to exchange. In a year or two, when I have +my promotion, I hope to return, and then, Marian, I shall find you a +finished young lady." + +Marian shuddered. + +"Poor child," said Edmund, laughing. + +"And you are going home," said Marian, enviously. + +"Home, yes," said Edmund, in a tone which seemed as if he did not think +himself an object of envy. + +"Yes, the hills and woods," said Marian, "and the Wortleys." + +"Yes, I am very glad to go," said Edmund. "Certainly even the being +hackneyed cannot spoil the beauty or the force of those lines of +Gray's." + +"What, you mean, 'Ah! happy hills; ah! pleasing shade?'" + +"Yes," said Edmund, sighing and musing for some minutes before he again +spoke, and then it was very earnestly. "Marian, you must not go wrong, +Gerald must not--with such parents as yours----." Marian did not answer, +for she could not; and presently he added, "It does seem strange that +such care as my uncle's should have been given to me, and then his own +boy left thus. But, Marian, you must watch him, you must guard him. If +you are in real difficulty or doubt how to act, you have the Wortleys; +and if you see anything about which you are seriously uneasy with regard +to him, write to me, and I will do my utmost, little as that is." + +"Yes, yes, I am glad to be sure of it," said Marian. + +"Well, I am glad to have had this talk," said Edmund. "I did you +injustice, Marian; you are fit to be treated as a friend: but you must +forgive me, for it cost me a good deal to try to be wise with you." + +"I think you have seemed much wiser since you left it off," said Marian, +"Somehow, though I was glad to hear you, it did not comfort me or set me +to rights before." + +Edmund and Marian could have gone on for hours longer, but it was +already quite dark; and the sound of Elliot's whistle approaching +warned them that one was coming who would little understand their +friendship,--why the soldier should loiter with the little girl, or why +the young girl should cling to the side of her elder cousin. They went +in-doors, and hastened different ways; they saw each other again, but +only in full assembly of the rest of the family. And at last, soon after +breakfast the nest morning, Marian stood in the hall, watching Edmund +drive from the door; and while her face was cold, pale, and still as +ever, her heart throbbed violently, and her throat felt as if she was +ready to choke. She heard of him at Fern Torr, she heard of him at +Portsmouth, she heard of his embarkation; and many and many a lonely +moment was filled up with tears of storm and tempest; of fever and +climate, of the lion and of the Caffre. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + "Child of the town! for thee, alas! + Glad nature spreads nor tree or grass; + Birds build no nests, nor in the sun + Glad streams come singing as they run. + Thy paths are paved for five long miles, + Thy groves and hills are peaks and tiles, + Thy fragrant air is yon thick smoke, + Which shrouds thee like a mourning cloak." + + ALAN CUNNINGHAM. + + +And so Edmund was gone! But he had bequeathed to Marian a purpose and +an object, which gave her a spirit to try hard and feel out a way for +herself in this confused tangle of a world around, her. She was happier, +though perhaps more anxious; for now it was not mere vague dislike and +discontent, but a clearer perception both of the temptations around and +of the battle required of her. + +In January the whole family went to London, the object of many of +Marian's terrors. Caroline and Clara were both sorry to go, and the boys +lamented exceedingly; Lionel saying it was very hard that the last two +months before his going to school should be spent boxed up there, with +nothing to do. Indeed the life of the schoolroom party was here more +monotonous than that at Oakworthy; for besides the constant regularity +of lessons, there was now no variety in the walks; they only paced round +the square, or on fine days went as far as the park. + +And then there were the masters! Marian was in a state of great fear, +under the anticipation of her first lessons from them; but the reality +proved much better than she had expected. To be sure, she disliked the +dancing with all her heart, and made no great figure in music; but +people were patient with her, and that was a great comfort; and then she +thoroughly liked and enjoyed the lessons in languages and in drawing. +There were further advantages in the London life, upon which she had not +calculated, for here she was nobody, less noticed than Caroline, seldom +summoned to see visitors, and, when she went into the drawing-room, +allowed to remain in the back-ground as much as she pleased; so that, +though her eye pined for green trees and purple hills, and her ear was +wearied with the never-ceasing sound of wheels, London so far exceeded +her expectations, that she wrote to Agnes, that, "if there were no +smoke, and no fog, and no streets, and no people, there would be no +great harm in it, especially if there was anything for the boys to do." + +The boys were certainly to be pitied; in a house smaller than Oakworthy, +and without the occupations out of doors to which they had been +accustomed, edicts of silence were more ineffectual than ever, and yawns +became painfully frequent. Every one's temper fell into an uncomfortable +state of annoyance and irritation; Miss Morley, instead of her usual +quiet, piteous way of reproving, was fretful; Caroline was sharp; Clara +sometimes rude like the boys, sometimes cross with them; even Marian +was now and then tormented into a loss of temper, when there was no +obtaining the quiet which she, more than the others, needed in order to +learn a lesson properly. Each day Lionel grew more unruly, chiefly from +the want of occupation, leading the other two along with him; and each +day the female portion of the party grew more inclined to fretfulness, +as they felt their own helplessness. It even came to consultations +between Miss Morley and Caroline whether they must not really tell of +the boys: but the evil day was always put off till "next time." + +Gerald was riotous when Lionel and John made him so, but not often on +his own account; and he had more resources of his own than they had. His +drawing was a great amusement to him, though rather in a perverse way; +for he would not be induced to take lessons of the master, seldom drew +at the right time, or in the right place, and frequently in the wrong +ones. + +"I never can learn except when I am drawing," he said, and his slate +was often so filled with designs, that the sums were jostled into the +narrowest possible space, while his Latin grammar was similarly adorned. +There sat the Muse in full beauty, enthroned upon Parnassus, close to +_musa musæ; magister_ had a wig, and _dominus_ a great rod; while the +extraordinary physiognomies round _facies faciei_ would have been worthy +of any collection of caricatures. Moreover the illustrations of the verb +_amo_ commemorated the gentleman who was married on Sunday, killed his +wife on Wednesday, and at the preter-pluperfect tense was hanged on +Saturday. Other devices were scattered along the margin, and peeped out +of every nook--old men's heads, dogs, hunters, knights, omnibuses; and +the habit of drawing so grew upon him, that when he was going to read +any book where scribbling was insufferable, Marian generally took the +precaution of putting all pencils out of reach. + +She often warned him to take care of the school-room Atlas; but, incited +by Lionel, he could not resist the temptation of putting a pipe in the +mouth of the Britannia who sat in a corner of the map of England. This +pipe she carefully rubbed out, but not till it had received from the +others a sort of applause which he took as encouragement to repeat the +offence; and when next Marian looked at Britannia, she found the pipe +restored, and a cocked hat on the lion's head. Again there was much +merriment; and though Miss Morley, more than once, told Gerald this +would never do, and he really must not, she could not help laughing so +much, that he never quite believed her to be in earnest, and proceeded +to people the world with inhabitants by no means proportioned to the +size of their countries. John-o'-Groat and his seven brothers took +possession of their house, Turks paraded in the Mediterranean, and in +the large empty space in the heart of Africa, Baron Munchausen caused +the lion to leap down the crocodile's throat. + +It was about this time that Marian was one day summoned to the +drawing-room at an unusual time, and found Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both +there looking exceedingly gracious. "Here is a present for you, Marian," +said the former, putting into her hands a large thin parcel. + +"For me! O thank you!" said Marian, too much surprised and embarrassed +to make much of her thanks; nor did her wonder diminish as, unfolding +the paper, she beheld a blue watered silk binding, richly embossed, with +the title of "The Wreath of Beauty," and soon there lay before her, in +all the smoothness of India paper and mezzotint, a portrait, beneath +which she read the name of Selina, Viscountess Marchmont. + +"Selina!" repeated she, in the extremity of her amazement. + +"Yes," said Mr. Lyddell, resting there in expectation of renewed and +eager acknowledgements; but all he received was this--"Can that be +Selina?" + +"It is said to be a very good likeness," said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"O!" cried Marian, and there she checked herself. + +"Mr. Lyddell was quite struck with the resemblance to you," added Mrs. +Lyddell. + +The astonishment of Marian's glance was greater than ever, but here +she bethought herself that Mr. Lyddell had intended to give her great +pleasure, and that she was very ungrateful; whereupon the room seemed to +swim round with her in her embarrassment, and with a great effort she +stammered out something about his being very kind, and her being very +much obliged to him; and then, perceiving that she ought to add more, in +order to satisfy that judge of politeness, Mrs. Lyddell, she said that +it was a long time since she had seen Lady Marchmont, and that she could +not so well judge of the likeness; and then she bore it away to sigh and +wonder over it unrestrainedly with Gerald. + +No wonder the Lyddells were surprised, for Lady Marchmont's portrait was +incomparably the most beautiful in the book; the classical regularity of +the features, the perfect form of nose and chin, the lovely lip, and the +undulating line of the hair, all were exquisite; the turn of the long +neck, the _pose_ of the tall graceful figure, and the simple elegance +of the dress, were such as to call for great admiration. But all that +Marian saw was an affectation in that twisted position,--a straining +round of the eyes, and a kind of determination at archness of expression +in the mouth. Where was the merry, artless, sweet-looking Selina she +remembered, whose yet unformed though very pretty features had faded +from her memory, and left only the lively, good-natured expression +which, here she sought in vain? + +"O Selina, Selina, can you be like this'?" exclaimed she; "and to think +of their saying I am like it! I am sure I hope one is as true as the +other." + +Gerald drew his face into a horrible caricature of the expression in the +portrait, and set his sister laughing. + +"I hope I shall never see her If she has grown like it," said she, +sighing. + +"I should take the stick to her if she was," said Gerald. + +"I am afraid it must be too true," said Marian, "or she would never +allow herself to be posted up in this absurd way. I wonder Lord +Marchmont allows it!" + +"I'll tell you, Marian," said the sympathising Gerald, "if I had ten +beauties for my wife--" + +"Ten beauties! O, Gerald!" + +"Well, one ten times as beautiful as Selina, I mean; I would cure her of +vanity well; for I would tell her that, if she chose to have her picture +drawn in this Book of Beauty, it should only be with a ring through her +nose, and two stars tattooed on her cheeks." + +"And a very good plan too," said Marian, laughing; "but I am afraid +poor Selina cannot be in such good hands. See, here are the impertinent +people writing verses about her, as if they had any business to ask +her what she is thinking about. Listen, Gerald; did you ever hear such +stuff?" + + "Lady, why that radiant smile, + Matching with that pensive brow, + Like sunbeams on some mountain pile + Glowing on solemn heights of snow? + + "Lady, why that glance of thought, + Joined to that arch lip of mirth, + Like shade by fleecy cloudlet brought + Over some paradise of earth? + + "Yea, thou may'st smile, the world for thee + Is opening all its fairest bowers; + Yet in that earnest face I see + These may not claim thy dearest hours. + + "But for thy brow, thy smile we deem + The gladsome mirth of fairy sprite; + But for thy smile, thy mien would seem + Some angel's from the world of light. + + "Yet laughing lip and thoughtful brow + Are depths and gleams of mortal life; + Angel and fay, of us art thou, + Then art a woman and a wife!" + +"What would they have her to be? a husband?" said Gerald. + +Here Caroline and Clara came hastily in, eager to see the portrait and +read the verses, and very far were they from being able to imagine why +she did not like the portrait. Caroline owned that there might be a +little affectation, but she thought the beauty very considerable; and as +to Clara, she was in raptures, saying she never _did_ see any one half +so lovely. And as to the verses, they were the sweetest things she +ever read; and she carried them off to show to Miss Morley, who fully +sympathised with her. Marian found no one to share her opinion but +Gerald and Lionel, and their criticisms were unsparingly extended to +Lady Marchmont's features, as well as her expression, "Such mincing +lips! such untidy hair! Hollo! who has given her a black eye?" till they +had not left her a single beauty. + +Marian hoped the subject was quite forgotten, when she had hidden +away the book under all her others: but the nest time there was a +dinner-party, Mrs. Lyddell desired her to fetch it, to show to some one +who knew Lady Marchmont. She took it up stairs again us soon as she +could, but again and again was she obliged to bring it, and condemned to +hear it talked over and admired. One day when she was going wearily and +reluctantly up stairs, she was arrested by a call from Lionel, who +was creeping up outside the balusters in a fashion which had no +recommendation but its extreme difficulty and danger. + +"Eh, Marian, what, going after beauty again?" + +"I wish it was Beauty and the Beast," said Marian, disconsolately. +"There are different tastes in the world, that is certain; but don't +break that neck of yours, Lionel." + +Lionel replied by letting go with one hand and brandishing that and his +foot over the giddy space below. Marian frowned and squeezed up her +lips, but did not speak till it pleased him to draw himself in again, +and throw himself over the balusters before her, saying, "That is a +reward for you, Marian; Clara would have screeched." + +The next time Marian was desired to fetch the book, it was for a morning +visitor,--a broad, stately, pompous old lady, who had had the pleasure +of meeting Lady Marchmont, and thought Miss Arundel very like her. + +"Are you going after beauty?" said Lionel, again meeting Marian on the +stairs. + +"Yes," said Marian, with a sigh. + +"Well, I hope she will be pleased, that's all," said Lionel. + +Marian thought there was a meaning in this speech, but she was in haste, +and without considering it, ran down stairs again. As she was opening +the drawing-room door, she saw Gerald on the top of the stairs, calling +to her, "Marian, have you that book? O, wait--" + +"I cannot come now, Gerald," said she, entering the room, and shutting +the door after her. She laid the book on the table, and the page was +opened. + +"O beautiful!" exclaimed the old lady, "How exact a likeness!" + +"Why, Marian!" broke involuntarily from Mrs. Lyddell, and Marian, +looking at the print, could, in spite of her dismay, hardly keep from +laughing; for the elegant Lady Marchmont now appeared decorated with a +huge pair of mustachios, an elaborate jewelled ring in the nose, and a +wavy star on each cheek, and in the middle of the forehead; while over +the balustrade on which she was leaning there peeped a monster with +grotesque eyes, a pair of twisted horns, a parrot's beak, vulture's +claws, and a scaly tail stretching away in complicated spires far into +the distance. No one could for a moment doubt that this was Gerald's +work, and Marian felt sure that he had been thereto incited by Lionel. +Extreme was her consternation at the thought of the displeasure which he +had incurred; but in the mean time there was something very amusing +in the sight of the old lady beginning to perceive that something was +wrong, and yet not able to make it out, and not choosing to own her +difficulties. Mrs. Lyddell, though vexed and angry, carried it off very +well. "Ah! some mischief of the boys," said she, decidedly. "I am afraid +it is not fit to be seen." And so saying, she closed the book, and +changed the conversation. + +As soon as the visitor had taken leave, the scene was changed; Mrs. +Lyddell walked hastily to the table, threw open the book, and began to +examine into the degree of damage it had suffered. "I suppose you know +nothing of this, Marian?" said she, surveying her with one of her +quickest and most formidable glances. + +"O no," said Marian; "I am sure I am very sorry." + +"Well, I must inquire about it," said Mrs. Lyddell, taking up the +book, and hastening towards the school-room, followed by poor Marian, +trembling with all her heart for her brother, and somewhat for Lionel, +even though she could not help being angry with him for having got +Gerald into such a scrape. + +There stood the boys, looking partly exulting, partly frightened; Lionel +a little more of the first, Gerald a little more of the second; for +this was Gerald's first desperate piece of mischief, whereas Lionel had +survived many such. Besides, Gerald's handiwork was too evident to be +mistaken, while his companion's part in the folly could be known to no +one; and though it might be guessed at by Marian, Lionel thought she +might be trusted. + +The book was spread upon the table, and the expressions of horror from +the three ladies of the school-room were as strong as could reasonably +be expected. + +"Indeed," pleaded Miss Morley, in her deplorable tone, "I am continually +ordering Sir Gerald not to scribble in books, but he never will obey." + +"That is not true!" cried Gerald, in a loud, startling voice. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that is no proper manner of speaking; you +have behaved very ill already--do not add to your fault. Before any more +is said, beg Miss Morley's pardon." + +There was a silence, and she repeated, "I desire that you will ask Miss +Morley's pardon directly--still silent? what is the meaning of this?" + +Gerald stood bolt upright, and very rigid; poor Marian glancing +appealingly, first at him, then at Mrs. Lyddell, then at Miss Morley, +all equally without effect. She saw it all--that he might have been +brought to own that be had done wrong about this individual case; but +that the sweeping accusation of disobeying orders, which, as they all +knew, were never given with anything like decision, had roused a proud, +determined sense of injustice, and that he was ready to suffer anything +rather than apologise. She was wild to speak, to do something; yet what +could she attempt? + +Mrs. Lyddell would not begin upon the book-scribbling subject till she +had conquered the spirit of defiance, and continued to insist on his +begging Miss Morley's pardon; but the more she ordered, the more +determined he grew. There he stood, his proud, dark eye fixed on a +picture on the wall, his lip curled with a sort of disdain, and an +expression in his whole motionless figure that, had his cause but been +good, would have been resolution, whereas it now was only indomitable +self-will and pride. + +At any rate, it was an expression that showed that he was not to be +conquered by woman, though he might have been won over by her: and Mrs. +Lyddell had tact enough to give up the battle without owning herself +defeated, and without further discussion said, "Go to your own room, +Gerald; I shall give you time to reflect and get the better of your +obstinacy. You may come here again when you are ready to ask Miss Morley +to forgive you for your very improper conduct towards her." + +Without turning to the right or left,--without one look towards his +sister, Gerald walked out of the room, and even shut the door after him +gently. Poor Marian, who could guess all that she felt? + +"This is very extraordinary," said Mrs. Lyddell, "so well-behaved a boy +as he is in general." + +"Ah! boys of his age always get quite beyond ladies' management," said +Miss Morley. + +"Such determined obstinacy!" said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"Perhaps he did not understand you," said Marian, unable to keep from +saying something, though she could not in her agitation think of +anything to the purpose. + +"Understand? that is nonsense, Marian. What was there to understand? +He spoke very improperly, find I desire him to apologise; and if he is +obstinate, it is very wrong of you to defend him." + +Marian was silenced, though her heart was swelling and her temples +throbbing. In another minute Mrs. Lyddell was summoned to some more +company, and Marian had nothing worse to hear than her companions' +commiseration for the book, and declarations that India rubber would do +it no good. + +The afternoon passed away, and nothing was heard of Gerald: indeed, +Marian understood him well enough to expect that nothing would be heard. +As she was on her way to her own room, looking wistfully at his door, +Lionel overtook her; and thumping her hard on the back, exclaimed, +"Isn't it a jolly beast, Marian?" + +"O, Lionel, it was very naughty of you. How could you make Gerald behave +so ill?" + +"Never mind, Marian, he will get out of it soon enough. Come, don't be +savage; we did it all for your good." + +"My good! how can you talk such nonsense?" + +"Why, I'll bet you anything you like, that mamma will never be for +having the little beastie down to show the company." + +Marian half smiled; it was pleasant to find that, towards her at least, +the boys' intention had been anything but unkind, but still she hardly +knew how to be placable with Lionel when he had led her brother into +mischief, and then left him to bear all the blame. + +"It was very wrong," she repeated. + +"Come, don't be cross, Marian. You don't mean that you really cared for +that trumpery picture?" + +"I did not care for it so much," said she, "but it was a valuable book, +and it was very kind of your papa to give it to me, so I was sorry to +have it spoilt." + +"Won't it rub out?" said Lionel. + +"No, of course not." + +"I thought pencil always did." + +"And then, Lionel, why could you not have thought what disgrace you were +leading Gerald into?" + +"You don't think, Marian, I was going to be shabby enough to leave +Gerald alone in the scrape? No, if I do, I'll give you leave to tell of +me or do whatever you please; but you see now he is not in disgrace for +drawing that pretty little beast, but for giving poor unfortunate a bit +of his mind, so what use would there be in my putting my neck into the +noose before my time? No, if Gerald is the fellow I take him for, and +stands out about begging her pardon, the whole business of the book will +blow over, and we shall hear no more of it." + +Marian shook her head. "O, Lionel, if you would only think whether a +thing is right before you do it!" + +"How can you wish me to be so stupid, Marian?" + +"I am sure, Lionel, the funniest, merriest people that I know, think +most about what is right." + +"Well, that may do in Devonshire perhaps," said Lionel, stretching +himself, "but it won't here except with you. Indeed there is nobody else +that I know of that does make such a fuss about right and wrong, except +Walter, and he hasn't got an atom of fun to bless himself with." + +"But, Lionel, what good will all the fun in the world do us when we come +to die?" said Marian, whispering. + +The boy looked full at her, but would not show that he felt any force +in her words. "I don't mean to die just yet," he said, and by way of +escaping from the subject he mounted on the balusters, and was sliding +down as he had often done before, when by some hitch or some slip he +lost his balance, and slid down without the power to stop himself. +Marian thought him gone, and with suspended breath stood, in an agony of +horror, listening for his fall on the stones of the hall far beneath; +but the next moment she saw that he had been stopped by the turn of the +staircase, and the instinct of self-preservation had made him cling fast +to the rail with both hands, though he was unable to recover his footing +on the narrow ledge of the steps beyond it. She did not scream or call, +she ran down to the landing place--how she did it she knew not--but she +threw her arms round him and succeeded in lifting and dragging him over +the rail, which was not very high, till he stood on the safe side of the +balusters, Her heart beat, her head swam, and she was obliged to sit +down on the step and pant for breath; Lionel leant against the wall, +for his nerve was not restored for a moment or two, after his really +frightful peril. Not a word was spoken, and perhaps it was better that +none should pass between them. Mr. Lyddell's step was heard ascending, +and they both hurried away as fast as they could. + +No one was told of the adventure, it was not Marian's part to speak +of it, if indeed she _could_ have done so, and it did not appear that +Lionel chose to mention it. Perhaps it was that he did not like to enter +upon it seriously, and it had been too much of an answer to his light +speech to be made a laughing matter. At any rate he was silent, and +Marian was very glad of it. + +Mr. Lyddell was coming up to visit the prisoner and try if he could +bring him to reason, but it soon transpired that all his attempts had +been in vain, even though he came to a threat that unless Gerald made +his submission before the next day was at an end, he should be sent to +school with Lionel at the end of another fortnight. + +Marian's distress increased, she was equally wretched at her brother's +increasing misbehaviour and at its punishment, It was provoking to see +Johnny walking about in all the grandeur and self-consequence of being +quite out of the scrape, and evidently rejoicing that Gerald was in +it; it was provoking to hear Miss Morley and the girls wondering, even +Saunders' pity was provoking, and there was nothing that gave her the +least comfort but the perception that Lionel was certainly graver and +more subdued. + +She was allowed to go to her brother for a little while that evening, +with some hope that she might prevail with him. She found him leaning +against the window in the failing light, listlessly watching the horses +and grooms in the mews, which his high window overlooked. He turned his +head as she came in, but without speaking, and then looked back at the +window, till she came up to him, put her arm round his neck and turned +his face towards her. It was a sullen, dogged countenance, such as she +had seldom or never seen him wear before. + +"Gerald, dear Gerald, what is the meaning of this? You never used to +behave so?" + +"I never was served so before," muttered he. + +"You have drawn it on yourself. Why will you not submit and ask her +pardon?" + +"What should I ask pardon for? I said nothing but the truth." + +"How can you say so. Gerald? Did you not know that you ought not to +scribble in books? Can you say that Miss Morley has not often spoken to +you about the Atlas?" + +"If you call 'O Sir Gerald!' and 'O you sad boy,' desiring me in a +rational way, I don't," said Gerald, imitating the tones, "laughing and +letting me go on; I thought she liked it." + +"Now seriously, Gerald." + +"Well, I mean that she did not care. If people tell me a thing they +should make me mind them." + +"You should mind without being made, Gerald. + +"I would if I thought them in earnest. But now, Marian, was it not a +horrid shame of her to speak just as if I had been always disobeying +her on purpose, making Mrs. Lyddell go into a rage with me for what was +entirely her own fault?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you cannot say it was her fault that you spoilt the +picture." + +"I think she ought to beg my pardon for telling such stories about me," +repeated Gerald sullenly. + +"Recollect yourself, Gerald, you know she meant that she had put you in +mind that you ought not; and don't you think that, true or not, your +speech was very rude?" + +"If I was to beg her pardon it would mean that she spoke the truth, +which she did not, for she never took any pains to prevent me from +drawing in the map-book, or any where else." + +"It would not mean any such thing if you were to say, 'Miss Morley, I +misunderstood you, and I am sorry I was so rude.' I am sure you must be +sorry for that, for it was not at all like a gentleman. Will you come +and say so?" + +"You're like the rest," mumbled Gerald, turning his back upon her, and +sitting like a stock. + +"Don't you think it would be the best way? Would it not make you +happier? O what is the use of being obstinate and disobedient? Think of +going to school in disgrace. O! Gerald, Gerald, what is to be done?" + +Still she spoke with earnest pauses and anxious looks, but without the +least effect, and at last she said, "Well, Gerald, I must go, and very +much grieved I am. How would dear mamma like to see her little boy going +on in this way?" + +She went to the door and looked back again there, and beheld Gerald, +with his hands over his face, striving to suppress a burst of sobbing. +She sprung to him, and would have thrown her arms round his neck, but he +pushed her off roughly, and with strong effort, drove back the tears, +and put on an iron face again. Again she entreated, but he would not +open his lips or give the least sign of listening, or of attending to +any persuasion, and she was obliged to leave him at last without hope of +subduing his obstinacy. How far he was now from being the gentle, good +child that he once had been! and by whose fault was it? Her spirit +burned with indignation against those who, as she thought, had worked +the change, and O! where was the influence from which Edmund hoped so +much? + +The next day was long and miserable, for Gerald gave no sign of +yielding, but remained shut up in his room, maintaining an absolute +silence, when, at different times, Mrs. Lyddell went to visit him, and +assure him that Mr. Lyddell was fixed in his determination to send him +to school if he did not yield before the time of grace was up. + +The time of grace was at an end the next morning, and at nine o'clock, +Gerald was summoned to the dining-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell were +at breakfast. He wanted to carry it off with a high hand, but his long +day of solitude had dulled him, and he looked pale and weary. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "I am sorry you have so persisted in your +misbehaviour to oblige us to punish you, as we threatened to do. Are you +now willing to own that you did wrong?" + +"I ought not to have spoilt the book," said Gerald boldly, "and I was +rude to Miss Morley." + +"There is a brave boy," said Mr. Lyddell, very much relieved. "Well, +Gerald, I am glad you have given, in at last; I hate obstinacy, as I +told you yesterday, but that is over, and we will say no more about it; +only you know we told you that you should be sent to school, and we must +keep our word." + +"Yes," said Gerald, trying not to let a muscle of his face relax; though +now the die was cast, his consternation at the thought of school was +considerable. + +"Well, you may go," said Mr. Lyddell, "and remember that obstinacy must +be got out of a boy some way or other." + +Gerald went, and soon entered the schoolroom, where he walked up to Miss +Morley, saying, "I am sorry I was rude to you the day before yesterday." + +"Ah! Sir Gerald, I was sure your better sense--your generous spirit--but +I hope your submission--I hope Mr. Lyddell forgives--overlooks--" + +"I am to go to school when Lionel does, if that is what you mean," +replied Gerald, and then he came up to his sister, and looked earnestly, +yet with an inquiring shyness into her face. Marian might have been +hopeful, for his manner showed that it was for her opinion that he +really cared; but she was sad and unhappy at seeing his pride still so +far from being subdued, and though her heart yearned towards him, she +shook her head and looked coldly away from him to her book. + +Gerald was chilled and went back to Lionel, who had plenty of ready +sympathy for him; a story half caught from his mamma's report, half +guessed at, that the old lady had looked full at the beast's curly tail, +and had said she had never seen anything so like Lady Marchmont; the +assertion of his own certainty that Gerald would never give in nor own +that poor unfortunate had spoken the truth, and Gerald felt triumphant, +as if his self-will had been something heroic, and his imprisonment and +going to school a martyrdom. It did not last, Gerald's nature was gentle +and retiring; he dreaded strangers, and his heart sank when he thought +of school. He wanted his sister to comfort him, but he would soon be out +of her reach. No Marian--all boys--all strange, and there was no help +for it now. Gerald rested his forehead against the window and gulped +down rising tears. But when he found himself on the point of being left +alone with Marian, his pride rose, and he would not confess that he had +been wrong or that he was unhappy, so he ran down stairs to find the +other boys and to get out of her way. + +So it went on, Marian was very unhappy at this loss of his confidence; +but the more she attempted to talk to him, the more he avoided her, +being resolved not to show how great his dislike and dread of school +was. + +"Gerald," said Lionel, the last day before they were to go, "I have been +thinking I should like to give Marian something instead of that book." + +"So should I," said Gerald, delighted with the idea, for he was feeling +all the time that he was vexing his sister, and wishing to do something +by way of compensation. + +"I did not mean you," said Lionel, "for it----for you would never have +been sharp enough to think of the beast for yourself. I only told you +because you could tell me what she would like best. Papa has just given +me a sovereign." + +"He has given me another," said Gerald, "and we will put them together, +and do it handsomely." + +"Well, what shall it be? Not that stupid book over again." + +"O no, no, she has had enough of that already, and there are plenty of +other books that she wants." + +"No, don't let it be a book," said Lionel; "I can't think how anybody +can like reading, when they can help it." + +"Well, I do like some reading, when it is a shipwreck, or a famous +bloody battle," said Gerald. + +"Yes, but then it makes one's eyes ache so." + +"It does not mine." + +"Well, if I go on long it always makes mine ache," said Lionel. "And +don't the letters look green and dance about, when you read by candle +light?" + +"No," said Gerald. "How funny that is, Lionel. But I'll tell you what, +we will get Walter to take us out, and we shall be sure to see something +famous, in some shop-window or other." + +Walter was at home for the Easter vacation, and under his protection the +boys were allowed to go out. Very patient he was, and wisely did he +give his counsel in the important choice which, if left to the boys +themselves, might probably have been really something famous. Marian +would have been grateful to him, had she known all that he averted from +her, a stuffed fox, an immense pebble brooch, a pair of slippers covered +with sportive demons. At every shop which furnished guns, knives, or +fishing tackle, they stopped and lamented that she was not a boy, +there was nothing in the world fit for girls; they tried a bazaar, and +pronounced everything trumpery, and Walter was beginning to get into +despair, when at last Lionel came to a stop before a print shop, calling +out, "Hollo, Gerald, here's Beauty and the Beast itself!" + +It was the beautiful engraving from Raphael's picture of + + Saint Margaret in meekness treading + Upon the dragon 'neath her spreading. + +And Walter, rejoicing that their choice was likely to fall on anything +which a young lady might be so glad to possess, conducted them into the +shop, and gave all the desired assistance in effecting the purchase. It +was a fine impression, and the price was so high as to leave the boys' +finances at rather a low ebb; but Walter, in his secret soul, thought +this by no means to be regretted, since it was much better for them +that it should be generously spent at once in this manner, than that it +should be frittered away in the unaccountable and vain manner in which +he had usually seen schoolboys' money wasted. + +So S. Margaret was bought and rolled up, and so afraid were the boys +that she should not be rightly sent home, that they insisted on carrying +her themselves, and almost quarrelled as to which should have the first +turn. + +Marian, on coming into her room, found both the boys on the top of the +chest of drawers, trying to pin the print up against the wall, and +though her arrival caused them some discomfiture, it was on the whole +a fortunate circumstance, since it saved the corners from extensive +damage. + +"O Lionel! O Gerald! how beautiful! how very nice! What a lovely face! +Is it really for me? How I do thank you, but I am afraid you have spent +all your money." + +"It is a better Beauty and the Beast than the old one," said Gerald, +"Isn't it, Marian?" + +"A better beauty, but not a better beast," said Lionel. + +"It is very beautiful indeed," said Marian; "I shall get a frame for it, +and it will always put me in mind of you both." + +"Yes, you will always think of me when you look at the beauty," said +Lionel, "and of Gerald when you look at the beast." + +"S. Margaret and the dragon! I wish I knew the story," said Marian; +"but I suppose it is an allegory like that of S. George. How good and +innocent she looks! Yes, see, Gerald, she is walking pure and white +through the park forest, and conquering the dragon. You see the palm in +the hand for victory. So innocent and so fearless." + +"I thought it would be one of those funny Roman Catholic stories, like +what Caroline was reading one day," said Lionel. + +"I don't like making fun of those," said Marian. "They often mean a +great deal, if you don't laugh at them, and tell them properly. I +am sure this print is to put us in mind of how we are to overcome +temptation, and I do like it very much. Thank you both." + +Lionel was here called away, but Gerald remained, and proceeded to a +more minute examination of the beauties of the print, of which he was +very proud. + +"O, Gerald, dear, if we could be like it," said Marian. + +"Like it? That you'll never be, Marian; your hair is too black." + +"Yes, but like it within. Pure and clear from sin in the midst of a bad +world. I shall look at it and think of that very often, and you must +think too, Gerald." + +"I mean to be good at school," said Gerald. + +And leaning against his sister, he let her talk to him as in times of +old, advising him with all her might, for he really liked it, and was +comfortable in having it so, though he would have been ashamed to +own that he did. Her advice was at once childish and wise; sometimes +sensible, sometimes impracticable. Let any sister of fourteen think what +counsel she would give a brother of nine if he would but listen to her, +and she will have a very fair idea of it. Gerald listened and promised +earnestly, and she thought, hoped, and trusted that his promises would +be kept: she reminded him of all that could strengthen his resolution, +and talked of the holidays with what cheer she might. She had copied out +a morning and evening prayer from her own treasured book, rather than +give him such another, because she thought he would perhaps heed them +more in her handwriting, and she now gave them to him, folded up in a +neat little silk case, which he could keep without observation. How she +put her arm round him and pressed him towards her as she gave them into +his hand, and felt that she was doing what her mother would have done, +so earnestly, so tearfully, so much more impressively. O was she +watching them now? + +The brother and sister were interrupted at last, and called down to tea. +The evening passed away heavily, spent as it was for the most part in +the drawing-room; and the last thing before the boys went to bed, Lionel +pushing Gerald roughly off, held Marian fast by the hand, and whispered +in her ear, "I say--you've written out something for Gerald." + +"Yes," she answered, horrified that he should have found it out. + +"Would you mind doing it for me? Don't tell any one." + +Was not this a pleasure? Marian sat up in her dressing-gown that night +to write the prayers in her very clearest writing, for she knew Lionel +never liked to read what was not large and clear, and she guessed that +late in the evening, after all his lessons, he would have too many +"green and blue monsters," as he used to call them, before his eyes, +to be willing to give them more work than he could possibly help. She +thought her mamma would have been very uneasy if she had heard of those +green and blue monsters, and she wondered whether Mrs. Lyddell knew +or cared about them, but Lionel was one of the least regarded of the +family, and nobody but Johnny ever thought it worth while to make a +trifling complaint to her. It was far worse that Lionel should be left +to obtain a form of private prayer by such a chance as this. Alas! alas +for them all! She was too unhappy to think more of Lionel, and in the +midst of earnest prayers for Gerald, she cried herself asleep. + +Poor child, she was too miserable all the next day to give us any +pleasure in contemplating her. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + "Too soon the happy child + His nook of homeward thought will change; + For life's seducing wild; + Too son his altered day-dreams show + This earth a boundless space, + With sunbright pleasures to and fro, + Coursing in joyous race." + + _Christian Year_. + + +A couple of weeks had passed away, and Marian was beginning to feel +rather more accustomed to the absence of Gerald and Lionel, and to find +pleasure in the letters which spoke of her brother taking a good place, +and from which it did not appear that he disliked school so much as she +had feared. Still she could not but miss him grievously, and feel the +want of some one to cling to her, bring his troubles to her, and watch +for moments of private conference. Her days seemed to follow each other +without animation or interest; and if it had not been for some of her +lessons, and for his letters and Agnes Wortley's, she felt as if she +could have done nothing but yawn till the holidays. + +One day, as the young ladies were returning from a walk in the park, +they saw a carriage standing at their own door,--too frequent an +occurrence, as Marian thought, to call for such warm interest as Clara +expressed. Yet even Marian grew eager when she heard her cousins exclaim +that there was a coronet on it,--a Viscount's coronet. They were now +close to the house, just about to ring, when the door opened, the +visitor came out, and at that moment Marian sprang forward with a joyful +face, but without a word. The lady held out both hands, and standing on +the top of the steps of the door, she drew Marian up to her, and kissed +her on each cheek with great eagerness, completely regardless of the +spectators. + +"Marian, dear little Marian herself! I was afraid I had quite missed +you, though I waited as long as I could. You look like your own self, +little pale cheeks! Well, I must not stay; I have arranged with Mrs. +Lyddell for you to spend to-morrow with me. I will send the carriage for +you, and you know how much I have to show you--my husband and my son! +You will come, Marian? Not a word? Ah! your own way. Good-bye; you will +find your tongue to-morrow. Good-bye." + +She let go the hands and sprang into the carriage, giving a smile and +nod as she drove off, that filled Marian's soul, almost to overflowing, +with a rush of memories. It was as if she was no longer standing on the +hard steps, with black streets, and tall, dingy yellow houses bounding +her view, and carriages thundering in her ears; no longer lonely among +numbers, but as if she was on the bright green grass-plat by the +Manor-House door, the myrtles and sycamore nodding round her; the +shadows of the clouds chasing each other in purple spots over the +moors; her father at the window; her mother, Gerald, Edmund, Agnes, all +standing round; that sweet voice, with, that same bright smile, that +same arch little nod, repeating the "good-bye," and speaking of meeting +next year; and Marian herself thinking how very long a year would be. +And now two years had passed since that time, and such years! How +much older Marian felt! But there was Selina--Selina herself, not the +Beauty--that was enough for joy! + +Marian was roused from her dream by exclamations of delight and +admiration from her cousins, "How very beautiful!" "O, I never saw +anything so lovely!" "Marian, how could you say that she was not like +her picture?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, gradually waking from her trance. + +"Don't you think her the most beautiful creature you ever saw?" + +"I don't know." + +"Don't know!" cried Caroline, impatiently. "Do you know whether your +head is on or not?" + +"I don't--nonsense," said Marian, laughing heartily, "The fact was, I +never had time to look or think whether she was pretty; I only saw she +was just like herself." + +"Well, Marian; so you met her?" said Mrs. Lyddell's voice in its most +delighted tone, at the top of the stairs. "I never saw a more charming +person. So very handsome, and so elegant, and so very agreeable. You +have heard of her invitation?" + +"Yes; thank you for letting me go," said Marian. + +"O yes, of course! I am delighted that you should have the advantage of +such an acquaintance. I hope it will be quite an intimacy. I am sure +whenever--Well, certainly, I never met with anything more fascinating. +She spoke of you with such affection, my dear; I am sure she must be the +most delightful person!" + +Marian was not suffered to proceed up stairs till she had been told +all the particulars of Lady Marchmont's visit, and had answered many +questions respecting her; and, when she went up to the school-room, +it was the same thing. The party there seemed to look upon their good +fortune, in having had a sight of her, something as if they had seen +the Queen, or "the Duke;" and it was with a sort of awe that Clara +pronounced the words "Lady Marchmont," as she talked over every +particular of her dress and deportment. + +All this in some degree perplexed Marian. Titled ladies were by no means +unusual among Mrs. Lyddell's visitors, and did not create anything +like this sensation; and she had not been used at home to hear Selina +Grenville talked of as anything more than a wild, gay-tempered girl, +whose character for wisdom did not stand very high. To be sure she was +now married, and that might make a difference; but then Edmund had since +spoken of her as giddy, and as if he had not the highest idea of her +discretion. Moreover, it struck Marian herself that she had spoken of +her husband and child just as if they were two playthings, to be shown +off. Of course that was only in fun, but Marian's was the time of life +to have great ideas of the requisite gravity of demeanour in a married +woman. Altogether, much as she loved Selina, and clever and engaging +as she thought her, it astonished her not a little to find that the +relationship conferred upon herself such distinction in the eyes of her +cousins; and she spent the evening and the next morning alternately in +speculations of this kind, hopes of a home-like day, and fears that +Selina after all might prove the affected Viscountess of the Wreath of +Beauty. + +The time came, the carriage was sent punctually, and in due time Marian +was being marshalled up the broad staircase by the tall servants, in all +the trepidation of making her first visit in state on her own account, +and feeling at every step as if she was getting further into the Wreath +of Beauty. Across a great drawing-room,--such a beautiful grand room,--a +folding door is opened; "Miss Arundel" is announced, and there she +stands in all her stiffness. + +There was a little table near the fire, and beside it sat Lady +Marchmont, writing notes, in the plainest and most becoming of morning +dresses,--a sort of brown holland looking thing, with a plain, stiff, +white collar, and a dark blue ribbon, her only ornament, except one +large gold bracelet. Her hair was twisted in glossy sunny waves behind +her ear, as in some Greek statues; her blue eyes were bright and +lustrous, and nothing was ever clearer and more delicate than the slight +tinge of red on her cheeks. Lord Marchmont was standing leaning on the +mantelshelf, apparently in consultation with her. + +As soon as Marian entered, Selina's pen was thrown down, and she flew +forward, throwing her arms round her little cousin, and kissing her +repeatedly. Then, her arm round Marian's neck, and her hand on her +shoulder, she led her towards Lord Marchmont, who stepped forward to +receive her, saying, "Yes, here she is, here is your little cousin; and +hero, Marian, here is your great cousin. Now I would give five shillings +to know what you think of each other." + +"I suppose one part of that pleasure will only be deferred till I am out +of the room," said Lord Marchmont, as he shook hands with Marian in a +kind, cordial, cousinly manner. He was a brown, strong-featured man of +three or four and thirty, hardly young enough, and far from handsome +enough, in Marian's very youthful eyes, to be suited to his wife, but +very sensible and good-natured looking. + +"No, Marian is a safe person, and will get no further than 'I don't +know;' at least if she is the Marian I take her for," said Lady +Marchmont. + +"Very prudent," was his answer, smiling at Marian; and then, in +compassion to her confusion, gathering up his papers, and preparing to +depart. + +"Are you going?" said his wife. "Well, I do you the justice to say that, +under the circumstances, it is the wisest proceeding in your power; for +I shall not get three words out of Marian all the time you are here." + +After a few more words of consultation on their own affairs, he left the +room, and then Selina caught hold of Marian again, and said she must +have a thorough good look at her all over, to see how much of dear old +Fern Torr she had brought with her. + +Selina Grenville was the youngest daughter of a sister of Sir Edmund +Arundel, who had, like the rest of her family, died early. She had been +a good deal abroad with her father and a married sister. Her uncommon +beauty and engaging manners gained her, when she was little more than +eighteen, the affection of Lord Marchmont, a more distant connection +of the Arundel family; and happily for Selina, she appreciated him +sufficiently to return his love so thoroughly, as to lay aside all the +little coquetries which had hitherto been the delight of her life; and +to devote herself to him even as he deserved. + +It might have been that the poem had said too much in pronouncing her to +be a woman as well as a wife; for Selina Marchmont was almost as much of +a child as Selina Grenville had been, and only now and then did those +deeper shades of thought pass over her face, which showed how much soul +there was within her as yet only half developed. Her manners were almost +more playful than suited her position, though they became her perfectly; +her husband delighted in them; but it was this that had given her grave +and saddened cousin, Edmund, an impression that her sense was not of a +high order. + +She was very warm-hearted. She had been exceedingly attached to her +uncle and aunt at Fern Torr; and now it seemed as if she could never +fondle Marian enough. The first thing was to show her baby, but she +premised that she did not expect Marian to go into raptures about him; +she never did expect any one to like babies. "In fact, Marian," she +whispered, "don't betray me, but I am a wee bit afraid of him myself. It +is such a very little live thing, and that nurse of his never will let +me have any comfort with him, and never will trust me to get acquainted +with him in a _tête-à-tête_, poor little man! O, here he comes! the +Honourable William James Bertram Marchmont--his name nearly as long as +himself." + +In came a broad, tall, dignified nurse, large enough to have made at +least four Selinas, carrying a small bundle of long white robes. Selina +took the little bundle in her arms rather timidly, and held it for +Marian to see. Pew babies were ever looked at more silently; he was a +small, but pretty, healthy-looking child of between two and three months +old,--a very wax doll of a baby, with little round mottled arms moving +about, and tiny hands flourishing helplessly, he looked just fit for his +mamma. She held him with the fond, proud, almost over care with which +little girls take for a moment some new brother or sister; and as she +gazed upon him without a word, the earnest intensity of expression +gathered upon her beautiful face. After about five minutes thus spent, +she roused herself, and began gaily to tell Marian not to trouble +herself to seek for a likeness in him to anybody, or to say anything so +wild as that he in the least resembled her or his papa; and then she +nodded and smiled at him, and seemed as if she would have talked to him +and played with him, if his nurse had not been standing close by all the +time, looking as if she was being defrauded of her property. + +"It is time Master Marchmont should be taken out before the sun goes +off, my Lady," said she, authoritatively. + +"Very well, I suppose he must," said Selina, reluctantly giving him back +again after a timid kiss. + +"There goes my lady nurse and her child," said she with a sigh, hidden +even from herself by a laugh. "I am sure he seems a great deal more hers +than mine; but there, I should never know what to do with him. Come, +Marian, now for all about yourself, my poor child. How do they use you?" + +Much indeed there was to hear; and much to tell on either side, and +scarcely for a moment did the two cousins cease from talking as they sat +together in the morning, and drove together in the afternoon. Selina was +one of those people who have a wonderful power of dispelling reserve, +chiefly by their own frankness; and when she had told Marian all the +history of her first sight of Lord Marchmont, and the whole courtship, +and all that she had thought "so very noble" in him, and tried to make +her understand how very happy she was, Marian's heart was open in her +turn. Not the depths of it,--not such things as by a great effort she +had told to Edmund, and might possibly tell to Mrs. Wortley, but much +more than she could ever have said to any one else; and free and +abundant was the sympathy and pity she received,--pity even beyond what +she thought she deserved. She was surprised to observe that Selina spoke +of the Lyddells with a sort of contempt, as if they were wanting in +refinement; whereas she herself had never thought of their being +otherwise than lady-like, and certainly very fashionable; but she +supposed Lady Marchmont knew best, and was pleased to find herself +considered superior. Gerald was of course one of their subjects of +conversation, and gradually Marian, with her strict regard to truth, +from a little unguardedness, found herself involved in a tangle from +which there was no escape, without telling the whole story of the Wreath +of Beauty. + +She need not have been afraid; Selina laughed as if nothing would ever +make her cease, and insisted on Marian's bringing the portrait the next +time she came to visit her. She vowed that she would patronise Lionel +for ever for his cleverness; and when Marian looked sorrowful about the +consequences, she told her that it was much better for Gerald to be at +school, and she was very glad he was gone; and then she patted Marian's +shoulder, and begged that she would not think her very cruel for saying +so. + +Marian was very glad to be able to acquit her of vanity, when she heard +the history of the insertion of the engraving, which had been entreated +for by persons whom Lord Marchmont did not like to disoblige. The +engraving both he and Selina disliked very much; and when Marian saw the +original portrait, she perceived that the affectation did not reside +there, for it was very beautiful, and the only fault to be found with it +was chiefly attributable to the fact that miniatures always make +people look so pretty, that this did not give the idea of a person so +surpassingly lovely as Selina. + +Lord Marchmont came in several times to speak to his wife, but Marian +did not see much of him till dinner-time, and then she liked him very +much. He was certainly rather a grave person, and she wondered to see +how Selina could be so merry with him; but he was evidently amused, +and Marian had yet to learn how a clever and much occupied man likes +nonsense to be talked to him and before him in his hours of relaxation. +He behaved to Marian herself very kindly, and just as if she was a +grown-up person,--a treat which she had scarcely enjoyed since she left +Fern Torr; and though she was silent, as usual when with strangers, it +was with no uncomfortable shyness: she was more at ease already with him +than with Mr. Lyddell. + +Selina told him the history of Gerald's works of art in so droll a +manner, that Marian herself saw it in a much funnier aspect than she had +ever done before. He was much diverted, and turning to Marian, said, +with seriousness that would have alarmed her, but for Selina's laughter, +and a certain sub-smile about the corners of his mouth, that he hoped he +was not to take the Beast as anything personal. Selina told him that she +wanted him to convince Marian that it was a very good thing for Gerald +to be sent to school, and he set to work to do so in earnest with much +kindness, and by asking sundry questions about her brother's attainments +and tastes, he so won her, that she was ready to do him the honour of +acknowledging him as one of her own cousins. + +The evening came too soon to an end, though the carriage had not been +ordered to take Marian home, till ten o'clock. It had all been like one +dream of brightness, and Marian, when she awoke the next morning, could +hardly believe that it was the truth that she had enjoyed herself so +much, and that a house containing such happiness for her could be in +London or so near her. + +The schoolroom looked very black and dull after the bright little +sitting-room where she had parted with Selina; the lessons were +wearisome, her companions more uncongenial than ever; she felt actually +cross at the examination to which Clara subjected her about every trifle +she could think of, in the house of Marchmont. She could have talked of +its delights if there had been anybody to care about them in her own +way, but that was the great if of Marian's life. She was conscious +that her day's pleasure had unhinged her, and made her present tasks +unusually distasteful, and she thought it the fault of the Lyddells, and +in a great fit of repining blamed Edmund for injustice to Selina in +not letting her house be their home. Her great hope was of another day +there, the only thing that seemed to give a brightness to her life, and +she looked forward to an intercourse between Lady Marchmont and Mrs. +Lyddell, which would produce continual meetings. + +However, time passed on, and she did not see Selina. Mrs. Lyddell took +her when she went to return the visit, but Lady Marchmont was not at +home. It was not till after more than a fortnight that she received a +little note from her, saying that they were going to a show of flowers, +and would send for Marian to go with them. + +There was quite a commotion in the house on the occasion; not that all +were not willing that Marian should go, but that Mrs. Lyddell thought +her dress not at all fit; the plain straw bonnet which Marian _would_ +buy, in spite of all that could be said to the contrary, and that old +black silk dress which did very well just for going to Church in, with a +governess, but---- + +Mrs. Lyddell and Saunders were for once in their lives agreed; and +Marian, who thought her money would have served her this time to +fulfil her grand scheme of buying Tytler's History of Scotland, was +overpowered, and obliged to let them have their will, and wear it +outside her head, in white silk; instead of inside, in Robert Bruce's +wanderings. + +She was quite ready, in new bonnet and mantle, by the time Lady +Marchmont's carriage was at the door, and very happy she was to find +herself by her side again. Perhaps there was a little consciousness +of newness in the manner in which she wore them, for Lady Marchmont +remarked upon them, and said that they were very pretty, as in fact they +were. Marian looked disconsolate, and Selina laughingly asked why. She +told her former wishes, and was further laughed at, or rather Mrs. +Lyddell was. Selina said the old bonnet would have done just as well; +"it was so like such people to smarten up for a great occasion." + +Such people! Marian wondered again, and disliked her white bonnet more +than ever, resolving for the future to trust her own taste. She soon +forgot all this, however, in the pleasure of seeing green grass and +trees, and the beautiful, most beautiful flowers, with their delicious +perfume. This was real delight, such as she had never imagined before, +and she thought she could have studied the wonderful forms of those +tropical plants for ever, if it had not been for the crowds of people, +and for a little awe of Lord Marchmont, who had given her his arm, and +who did not seem to know or care much even for the dove orchis or the +zebra-striped pitcher-plant. She wished she could turn him into Edmund, +and looked at every plant which she fancied a native of the Cape, almost +as kindly as if it had been a primrose of Fern Torr. + +It was another delightful day. Marian went back with her friends, +and sat by while Selina was dressed for an evening party, heard a +description of her home in the country, and gave a very unflattering one +of Oakworthy, gained somehow or other a renewed impression of her own +superiority to the Lyddells, and went home to indulge in another fit of +discontent. + +Such were Marian's visits to Lady Marchmont, and such their effect. Mrs. +Lyddell did much indeed that was calculated to give strength to the +feeling by the evident pride which she took in Marian's familiarity with +Lady Marchmont, and even in the cold, distant, formal civility with +which she herself was treated. + +There was danger around Marian which she did not understand, the world +was tempting her in a different way. She disliked what she saw among the +Lyddells too much to find their worldly tastes and tempers infectious, +but her intercourse with Selina was a temptation in a new form. She +loved Selina so heartily as to see with her eyes, and be led by her in +opinions: especially when these were of a kind according with her own +character. It was from her that Marian imbibed the idea that she was to +be pitied for living in her present home, not because Mrs. Lyddell's +mind was set on earth and earthly things, but because she did not belong +to those elite circles which Marian learnt to believe her own proper +place. Edmund had told her she might stand on high ground, and she +believed him, but was this such high ground as he meant? The danger did +not strike Marian, because it did not seem to her like pride, since the +distinction, whatever it was, did not consist in rank; she would have +had a horror of valuing herself on being a baronet's daughter, but this +more subtle difference flattered her more refined feelings of vanity; +and though she was far from being conscious of it, greatly influenced +her frame of mind, and her conduct towards her cousins. It was not +without reason now that Caroline thought her proud. + +It must not, however, be supposed that this was Marian's abiding frame +of mind; it was rather the temper which was infused into her by each +successive visit to Selina during the next three years. Of course, every +time it was renewed, it was also strengthened, but it was chiefly her +London disposition, and used in great degree to go off when she +was taken up with the interests of Oakworthy, and removed from the +neighbourhood of Lady Marchmont. + +Oakworthy was so preferable to London, except so far as that she was +there out of Selina's reach, that she began to have a kindness for it. +She knew some of the poor people there, in whom Caroline had kept up an +interest ever since Miss Cameron's time; the smoky streets of London +had taught her to prize the free air and green turf of the Downs; and, +thanks to Edmund, her own dear Mayflower awaited her there, and she +enjoyed many a canter with Caroline and Walter. She began for the first +time to become acquainted with the latter, and to learn to look upon him +with high esteem, but to obtain a knowledge of him was a very difficult +matter. He was naturally diffident and bashful, and his spirits were +not high; he had been thrown more and more into himself by his mother's +hastiness of manner and his father's neglect. His principles were high +and true, his conduct excellent, and as he had never given any cause for +anxiety, he was almost always overlooked by the whole family. Nor was he +clever, and the consciousness of this added to his timidity, which being +unfortunately physical as well as mental, caused him to be universally +looked down upon by his brothers. Even Marian began to share the +feeling when she saw him turn pale and start back from the verge of a +precipitous chalk pit where she could stand in perfect indifference, and +when she heard him aver his preference for quiet horses. Mayflower's +caperings were to him and Caroline so shocking, and it appeared to them +so improper that she should be allowed to mount such an animal, that but +for her complete ease, her delight in the creature's spirit, and her +earnest entreaties, a complaint against Mayflower would certainly have +been preferred to the authorities. + +In spite of all this, there was satisfaction in talking to Walter, for +he saw things as Marian did, right and wrong were his first thoughts, +and his right and wrong were the same as hers. This was worth a great +deal to her, though she was often provoked with him for want of boldness +in condemnation. A man grown up could, she thought, do so much to set +things to rights, if he would but speak out openly, and remonstrate, +but Walter shrank from interfering in any way; it seemed to cost him an +effort even to agree with Marian's censure. Yes, she thought, as she +stood looking at the print of S. Margaret, Walter might pass by the +dragon, nay, fight his own battle with it, but he would never tread it +manfully under, so that it might not rise to hurt others. He might mourn +for the sins around him, but would he ever correct them? Marian thought +if she was a man, a man almost twenty, destined to be a clergyman, she +had it in her soul to have done great things; then she would not be shy, +for she should feel it her duty to speak. + +In the meantime, Marian had a trouble of her own, a sore place in her +heart, and in its tenderest spot, for Gerald was the cause. The first +holidays had been all she could desire; he was affectionate, open, full +of talk about home and Edmund, with the best of characters; and with the +exception of all the other boys being "fellows" and nameless, there was +nothing like reserve about him; but the next time, he had not been three +days in the house, before she perceived that the cloud had come down +again, which had darkened the last few weeks before his going to school. +He avoided being alone with her, he would not let her ask him questions, +he talked as if he despised his governors and teachers, and regarded +rules as things made to be eluded. His master's letter did not give a +satisfactory account of him, and when Marian tried to fish out something +about his goings on from Lionel, she met with impenetrable silence, +Lionel himself seemed to be going through school pretty much in the same +way, with fits and starts of goodness, and longer intervals of idleness, +but he made his eyes a reason, or an excuse, for not doing more. They +were large, bright, blue, expressive eyes, and it was hard to believe +them in fault, but strong sunshine or much reading by candle-light +always brought the green and purple monsters, and sometimes a degree of +inflammation. It was said that he must be careful of them, and how much +of his idleness was necessary, how much was shirking, was a question for +his own conscience. + +Every time Gerald came home, Marian saw something more that pained her. +There was the want of confidence that grew more evident every time, +though it was by no means want of affection; it was vain to try to keep +him away from the stables; he read books on Sunday which she did not +approve, she did not think he wrote to Edmund, and what made her more +uneasy than all was, that Elliot was becoming the great authority with +him. Elliot had begun to take a sort of distant patronising notice of +hint, which seemed to give him great pleasure, and which Marian who +every year had reason to think worse of Elliot, considered very +dangerous. She could not bear to see Gerald search through, the +newspapers for the racing intelligence, and to see him orating +scientifically to Lionel and Johnny about the points of the horses; she +did not like to see him talking to the gamekeepers, and set her face, +more than was perhaps prudent, against all the field sports which were +likely to lead him into Elliot's society. + +In her zeal against this danger, she forgot how keen a sportsman +Edmund himself was, and spoke as if she thought these amusements wrong +altogether, and to be avoided, and this, together with the example of +Walter, gave Gerald a very undesirable idea of the dulness of being +steady and well conducted. That he spent more money than was good for +him, was also an idea of hers gathered from chance observations of her +own, and unguarded words of the other boys; but this was one of the +points on which his reserve was the strictest, and she only could be +anxious in ignorance. The holidays, anticipated with delight, ended in +pain, though still she cherished a hope that what alarmed her might be +boyish thoughtlessness of no importance in itself, and only magnified by +her fears. + +She was encouraged in this by finding that Lord Marchmont, when he saw +him once in London, thought him a very fine, promising boy, and that Mr. +and Mrs. Lyddell did not seem to see anything seriously amiss. But then +Lord Marchmont had not seen enough of him to be able to judge, and would +not have told her even if he had thought there probably was anything +wrong; and she could not trust to Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell. It was very +painful to imagine herself unjust to her only brother, and she drove the +fears away; but back they would always come, every time Gerald was at +home, and every time she looked and longed in vain for a letter from +him. + +Thus passed, as has already been said, three years, spent for the most +part without event. Caroline, at eighteen, was introduced; but though +her evenings were given to company, her mornings were still spent in the +schoolroom, of which indeed she was the chief brightness. Marian, though +she had the offer of coming out at the same time, was very glad to +embrace the alternative of waiting another year. She was now a little +past her seventeenth birthday, which emancipated her from being +absolutely Miss Morley's pupil. She breakfasted with the rest of the +family, dined with them when there was not a large party, learnt more +of masters, and studied more on her own account than she had ever done +before; and only depended on Miss Morley and Clara for companionship in +walking and meals, when Caroline was otherwise engaged. + +She was more with the Marchmonts than ever during this spring. She rode +with them, kept Selina company when her husband went out without her; +went about with her wherever a girl of woman's height, though not yet +come out, could be taken; and was almost always at any of her dinners or +evening parties, where she could have the pleasure of seeing anything +that was distinguished. It was a very pleasant life; for she was new to +the liberty of being loosed from schoolroom restraints, and at the same +time the restraints and duties of society had not laid hold upon her. +Among Selina's friends she was not expected to talk, and could listen +in peace to the conversation of the very superior men Lord Marchmont +brought around him; or if she chanced to exchange a few words with any +of them, she remembered it afterwards as a distinction. Selina, with all +the homage paid to her beauty, her rank, her fascination of manner, and +her husband's situation, was made much of by all, and was able to avoid +being bored, without affronting any one; and a spoilt child of fashion +herself, in her generosity and affection, she made Marian partake her +pleasures, and avoid annoyances as far as she could, like herself. It +was a pleasant life, and Marian thoroughly enjoyed it but was it a safe +one? + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + "So too may soothing Hope thy leave enjoy, + Sweet visions of long severed hearts to frame; + Though absence may impair or cares annoy, + Some constant mind may draw us still the same." + + _Christian Year_. + + +"Here are two letters for you, Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, meeting the +girls as they came in from a walk; "Lady Marchmont's servant left this +note." + +"An invitation to dinner for this evening," said Marian opening it; "ah! +I knew they were to have a party; 'just recollected that Lady Julia +Faulkner used to know Fern Torr, and I must have you to meet her, if it +is not a great bore.'" + +"Then, my dear, had you not better send an answer? James can take it +directly." + +"No, no, thank you; the carriage will call at seven. Who can this Lady +Julia be? But--" by this time Marian had arrived at her other letter, +and, with a sudden start and scream of joy, she exclaimed, "They are +coming!" + +"Coming? Who?" asked Caroline. + +"Agnes--and Mr. and Mrs. Wortley! O! All coming to stay with their +friends in Cadogan Place. I shall see them at any time I please." + +"I am very glad of it," said Caroline. + +"Tell them that their earliest engagement must be to us," said Mrs. +Lyddell. "When do you expect them?" + +"Next week, next week itself," cried Marian, "to stay a whole fortnight, +or perhaps three weeks. Mr. Wortley has business which will occupy +him--" + +Few faces ever expressed more joy than Marian's in the prospect of a +meeting with these dearest of friends; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline smiled +at her joy as she flew out of the room to make Saunders a partaker in +her pleasure. + +"Strange girl," said Caroline; "so cold to some, so warm to others; I +shall be glad to see these incomparable Wortleys." + +"So shall I," said Mrs. Lyddell; "but I expect that Marian's opinion of +them will soon alter, she has now become used to such different society. +However we must be very civil to them, be they what they may." + +In the meantime Marian penned a letter to Agnes, in terms of delight and +affection twenty times warmer than any which had ever passed her lips, +and then resigned herself to Saunders' hands to be dressed, without +much free will on her own part; too excited to read as usual during +the operation, sometimes talking, sometimes trying to imagine Agnes in +London, a conjunction which seemed to her almost impossible. + +The carriage came for her, and in due time she was entering the great +drawing-room, where Selina, looking prettier than ever in her evening +dress, sat reading a novel and awaiting her guests. + +"O Selina, only think," she began; "the Wortleys are coming!" + +"What say you? Why, Marian, you are in a wild state. Who are coming?" + +"The Wortleys, Selina, my own Agnes." + +"O, your old clergyman's daughter! You constant little dove, you don't +mean that you have kept up that romantic friendship all these years?" + +"Why, Selina!" + +"Yes, yes, I remember all about them now: the daughter was your great +friend." + +"She was more yours," said Marian, "when you were at Fern Torr, because +you were more nearly the same age. Don't you remember how you used to +whisper under the sycamore tree, and send me out of the way?" + +"Poor little Marian! Well, those were merry times, and I rather think +your Agnes promised to be very pretty." + +"And shall not you be glad to see her?" + +"When do they come?" + +"Next Monday, to--Cadogan Place." + +"Close to you. Well, that is lucky; but now, my dear, if you can come +down from the clouds for a moment, I want to tell you about Lady Julia." + +"Who is she?" said Marian, bringing back her attention with an effort. + +"A tiresome woman," whispered Selina, with a sort of affectation of +confidence; "but the fact is, Lord Marchmont used to know her husband, +or his father, or his great grandfather, sometime in the dark ages, and +so be wants me to make much of her. She is one of the people that it is +real toil to make talk for; but by good fortune I remembered that I had +heard some legend about her once knowing my uncles, and so I thought +that a cross-examination of you about Gerald and Fern Torr would be a +famous way of filling up the evening." + +"O!" said Marian in a not very satisfied tone, "so she has a husband, +has she? I fancied from your note that she only consisted of herself," + +"She consists of a son and daughters," said Selina. + +"Her husband is dead, but the rest of the house you will presently see." + +"Eh?" said Lord Marchmont, coming out of the other room where he had +been writing, and greeting Marian. + +"You don't mean that you have invited that young Faulkner?" + +"You would, not have me leave out the only agreeable one of the +party--something to sweeten the infliction." + +Lord Marchmont smiled at the arch, bold, playful manner with which she +looked up in his face, as if to defy him to be displeased; but still he +was evidently vexed, and said, "It is hard upon Marian only to take her +from Elliot Lyddell's society to bring her into Mr. Faulkner's." + +"Indeed! but that is hard on Mr. Faulkner," said his wife. "As to worth, +I suppose he and Marian's cousin are pretty much on a par, but it is but +justice to say that he has considerably the advantage in externals." + +"It cannot be helped now," said Lord Marchmont; "but I wish I had told +you before, Selina. The esteem I had for that young man's father would +make me still more reluctant to cultivate him, considering his present +way of going on." + +"Well, one invitation to dinner is not such a very agricultural +proceeding, that you need waste such a quantity of virtuous +indignation," said Selina; "I daresay he will not grow _very_ much the +faster for it." + +The arrival of some of the party put a stop to the conversation, and +presently Lady Julia Faulkner, Mr. and Miss Faulkner, were announced. +The first was a fair, smooth, handsome matron, who looked as if she had +never been preyed upon by either thought or care; her daughter was a +well-dressed, fashionable young lady; and her son, so gentlemanlike +and sensible looking, as to justify Lady Marchmont in saying that in +externals he had the advantage of Elliot Lyddell. Marian sat next him at +dinner, and though she meant to dislike him, she could not succeed in +doing so; he talked with so much spirit and cleverness of the various +exhibitions and other things, which are chiefly useful as food for +conversation. Something too might be ascribed to the store of happiness +within her, which would not let her be ungracious or unwilling to let +herself be entertained, for on the whole, she had never been so well +amused at a dinner party. + +In the drawing-room the examination took place with which she had been +threatened, but she had grown hardened to such things with time, and +could endure them much better than she used to do. It was always the +custom for her to outstay the guests, so as to talk them over with her +cousins; and, on this occasion the first exclamation was, how very +agreeable and clever Mr. Faulkner was. + +"So much the worse," said Lord Marchmont gravely; "I think worse of him +than I did before, for I find he has taken up Germanism." + +Marian had some notion that Germanism meant that the foundations of his +faith were unsettled, and she looked extremely horrified, but she had +not time to dwell on the subject, for the carriage came to the door, +and she was glad to be alone to hug herself with delight. The gas lamps +looked as bright to her eyes as if there were an illumination specially +got up in honour of her happiness, and the drive to Mr. Lyddell's was +far too short to settle a quarter of what Agnes was to see and do. + +It was almost four years since she had parted with her, but the +correspondence had scarcely slackened, nor the earnestness of her +affection and confidence diminished. There was no one, excepting Edmund, +to whom she could look for counsel in the same manner, and the hope of +long conversations with Mrs. Wortley was almost as delightful as the +thought of seeing Agnes once more. + +She had begged them to call the first thing, and accordingly soon after +breakfast one fine Tuesday morning, a loud double-knock caused her heart +to leap into her mouth, or rather her throat, and almost choke her. Mrs. +Lyddell, Elliot, and Caroline were all present, and she wished them +forty miles off, when the announcement was the very thing she wished to +hear! + +There they were, Mrs. Wortley giving that fond, motherly kiss, Agnes +catching both hands, and kissing both cheeks, Mr. Wortley giving one +hearty squeeze to her hand! There they really were, she was by Mrs. +Wortley's side, their own familiar tones were in her ears! She hardly +dared to look up, for fear Agnes should be altered, but no, she could +not call her altered, though she was more formed, the features were less +childish, and there was more thought, though not less life and light +than of old, in the blue eyes. Indeed it came upon Marian by surprise, +that she had not known before that Agnes was uncommonly pretty as well +as loveable. She was surprised not to see her friend more shy, but able +to answer Elliot's civilities with readiness and ease; whereas she who +still felt stiff and awkward with a stranger, had supposed that such +must be doubly the case with one who had lived so much less in the +world. + +That day was to be devoted by the Wortleys to visits and business, but +they reckoned on having Marian to themselves all the next, and were to +call for her early on their way to some of the sights of London. Mrs. +Lyddell made them fix an early day for coming to dinner, and they took +their leave, Marian feeling as if the visit had not been everything that +she expected, and yet as if it was happiness even to know that the same +city contained herself and them. + +No sooner were they gone than the Lyddells began with one voice to +admire Agnes, even Elliot was very much struck with her, and positively +gained himself some degree of credit with Marian, by confirming her +opinion of her friend's beauty. It was delightful indeed that Agnes +should be something to be proud of; Marian would not have loved her one +whit the less if she had been a plain, awkward country girl, but it was +something to have her affection justified in their eyes, and to have no +fear of Agnes being celebrated only for her cricket. + +They called for Marian early the next morning, and now she received the +real greeting, corresponding to her parting, as Mrs. Wortley's second +daughter. Then began the inquiries for everything at Fern Torr, animate +or inanimate, broken into by Agnes's exclamations of surprise at +everything new and wonderful in the streets, a happy, but a most +desultory conversation. + +At last they got into a quiet street where Mr. and Mrs. Wortley went to +choose a carpet, and the two girls were left to sit in the carriage. + +"O Marian!" began Agnes, "so you have not quite lost your old self! I +am glad to see how it all is at least, for I have something tangible to +pity you for." + +"I wonder what it is," said Marian, too happy for pity at that moment. + +"O, my dear! that Mr. Elliot Lyddell!" + +"He is hardly ever in my way," said Marian. + +"And his sister! Her dress! What study it must have taken! In the +extreme of fashion." + +"Caroline's dress is not exactly what she would choose herself," said +Marian. + +"That must be only an excuse, Marian; for though you have a +well-turned-out look, it is not as if you were in a book of fashions." + +"I am not Mrs. Lyddell's daughter, and though I do expect a battle or +two when I come out, it will not be a matter of obedience with me, as it +is with Caroline." + +"Is it very painful obedience?" said Agnes laughingly; "well, you do +deserve credit for not being spoilt among such people." + +"In the first place, how do you know they are 'such people?' and next, +how do you know I am not spoilt?" + +"You must be the greatest hypocrite in the world, if you are spoilt, to +write me such letters, and sit so boldly looking me in the face. And as +to their being 'such people,' have not I seen them, have not I +heard them, and, above all, has not Mr. Arundel given me their full +description?" + +"But that was three years and a half ago," said Marian. + +"And have they changed since then?" asked Agnes. + +"I don't know." + +"O how glad I am to hear that!" cried Agnes. "Never mind them; but to +hear you say 'I don't know' in that old considering tone is proof enough +to me that you are my own old Marian, which is all I care for." + +"I don't--" began Marian; then stopping short and laughing, she added, +"I mean I was thinking whether it is really so. Can any person live four +years without changing? Especially at our age. What a little girl I was +then!" + +"Yes, to be sure, you have grown into a tall--yes, quite a tall woman, +and you have got your black hair into a very pretty broad braid, and you +wear a bracelet and carry a parasol, and don't let your veil stream down +your back; I don't see much more alteration. Your eyes are as black and +your face as white, and altogether you are quite as provoking as ever in +never telling one anything that one wishes to know." + +Marian gave a stiff smile, one which she had learnt in company, and +grew frightened at herself to find that she was treating Agnes, as she +treated the outer world. She did not know what to say; her love was +deep, strong and warm within, but it was too soon to "rend the silken +veil;" and this awkwardness, this consciousness of coldness was positive +suffering. She was relieved that the return of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley put +an end to the _tête-à-tête_, then shocked that it should be a relief; +for, poor girl, her extreme embarrassment overpowering the happiness +in her friend's presence, made her doubt whether it could be that her +affection was really departing, a thought too dreadful to be dwelt upon. + +Who would have told her that she should endure so much pain in her first +drive with the Wortleys? + +They went to call on Lady Marchmont that day, and, as Marian expected, +did not find her at home. Agnes renewed the old lamentation that Marian +could not live with her and thus avoid Mrs. Lyddell's finery and +fashion. "Now why do you laugh, Marian? you don't mean that Selina +Grenville can have turned into a fashionable lady? she was the simplest +creature in the world." + +"She is what she was then," said Marian; "but as to being fashionable--. +My dear Agnes, you don't understand." + +"We have not to reproach Marian for want of knowledge of the world now, +Agnes," said Mr. Wortley, smiling at his daughter's bewildered look. + +"Ah!" cried Marian, and there stopped, thinking how grievously she must +be altered, since this was the reproach that the Lyddells used so often +to make her. Some wonderful sight here engaged Agnes, and Marian's +exclamation fell unheeded. + +She spent a good many hours with the Wortleys while they were in London, +but usually in the midst of confusion and bustle: Mr. and Mrs. Wortley +were busy, and Agnes almost wild with the novelties around. Marian's +heart ached as she recollected a saying which she had read, that a +thread once broken can never be united again. Her greatest comfort was +in the prospect of a visit to Fern Torr; for Mrs. Lyddell willingly +consented to her accepting Mrs. Wortley's invitation to return with +them, and to stay even to the end of her brother's holidays, which he +was also to spend at _home_. She should know better there whether she +was really changed; she could take it all up again there, and now she +could afford to wait, and not feel the necessity of saying everything +that would not be said in so short a time. + +One thing was certain, she did not like to hear Agnes talk against the +Lyddells. She could have done it herself; nay, she did so sometimes when +with Lady Marchmont, but then that was only about "nonsense." She had +lived with them too long, had shared in too many of their conversations +and employments, was, in fact, too much one of the family, to like to +hear them condemned. She thought it very strange, and she could not tell +whether it was from having grown like them, or from a genuine dislike to +injustice; at any rate it was this which convinced her that she had come +to regard them in some degree as friends. + +She wished them to appear to as much advantage as possible, but this +they really seemed resolved not to do, at least not what was in her eyes +and those of the Wortleys, to advantage. Mrs. Lyddell _would_ have +a grand dinner party to do honour to her friends, and the choice of +company was not what she would have made. To make it worse, Elliot +sat next Agnes, Walter was not at home, and the conversation was upon +religious subjects, which had better not have been discussed at all in +such a party, and which were viewed by most present, in the wrong way. +All this, however, Marian could have endured, for she did not care +to defend Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell or Elliot, individually, only when +considered as forming part of "the Lyddells," but she really wished +Agnes to like Caroline and Clara. + +She did not know whether Agnes was not perverse about Caroline, whom she +continued to call a mere fashionable young lady, not being able to find +any other reproach than this vague one; but as to Clara, Marian herself +could have found it in her heart to beat her when she made sillier +speeches than usual in Agnes' hearing, and, above all, for having at +this time a violent fit of her affection for Marian herself, whom she +perseveringly called a dear girl, and followed about so closely as to be +always in the way. + +Marian would have been still more provoked with Clara, had Agnes not had +forbearance enough to abstain from telling her all that Clara had said, +when once, by some chance, left alone with her for ten minutes. After a +great deal about her extreme friendship for "dearest Marian," she said, +"Some people think her pretty,--do you, Miss Wortley?" + +"Not exactly pretty," said Agnes, "but hers is a fine face." + +"Ah! she has not colour enough to be pretty. She is much too pale, poor +dear, but some people say that is aristocratic. And she is like her +cousin, Lady Marchmont, the beauty. Do you know Lady Marchmont?" + +"I used to know her as a girl." + +"Ah! she is very handsome, and so much the fashion. It is such an +advantage for Marian to be there, and I hope she will slyly bring us +acquainted some of these days. But then all the Arundels are proud; +Marian has a good deal of pride in her own way, though she is a dear +girl!" + +"Marian!" exclaimed Agnes. + +"O yes! She is a dear girl, but every one in Wiltshire speaks of her +pride; all our friends do, I assure you. I always defend her, of course, +but every one remarks it." + +Agnes was wondering whether simply to disbelieve anything so +preposterous as that all Wiltshire should be remarking on poor Marian's +pride, or whether to explain it by her well-known shyness, when Clara +made another sudden transition. "Do you know Mr. Arundel?" + +"O yes." + +"Is not he a fine, distinguished looking man? We did admire him so when +he was here. I assure you we are all quite jealous of Marian. Miss +Morley says there can be but one _dénouement_." + +Here Marian came into the room, and Agnes proceeded to question within +herself which was most wonderful,--the extreme folly of Clara, or of the +governess. + +Another vexation to Marian was the behaviour of Lady Marchmont. She +herself was invited as often as usual to come to her cousin, but she +could not spare a minute from her dear friends, and only was surprised +and vexed that they were not included, and that Selina had not yet +called upon them. She knew that one of her parties consisted of persons +whom Mr. Wortley would have been particularly glad to meet, and she +watched most anxiously for a card for him; she even went so far, as in +her own note of refusal to give a very far distant hint, thinking that +Selina only required to be put in mind of his being in London. + +At last, only two days before they left town, Lady Marchmont left her +card for Mrs. Wortley, but without asking if she was at home; and +Marian, who was in the house at the time, felt the neglect most acutely. +Mrs. Wortley saw the bright glow of red spread all over the pale check, +and was heartily sorry on her account. Agnes broke out into exclamations +that there must be a mistake,--the servants must have misunderstood, +and she would have asked questions; but Marian said, in a voice of deep +feeling, "No, Agnes, it is no mistake. You understand me now when I say +Selina Marchmont is more of a fine lady than Mrs. Lyddell. But O, I +never thought she would have neglected you!" + +"Say no more, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "Lady Marchmont must have too +many engagements to attend to us dull country folks. Indeed, it gives me +no pain, my dear, except to see it grieve you. You know she has done her +duty by us." + +"Her duty by herself, she may think," said Marian, "in not doing what +would be called rude, but not her duty by you; you, to whom all who +ever--who ever loved _them_, owe so much." + +The tears glittered in Marian's eyes, and her cheek was flushed. + +"Marian, my dear, cool down a little," said Mrs. Wortley; "think how +long it is since Lady Marchmont knew us, and recollect that the--the +causes, which you think you have for caring for us, may not appear the +same to her. She only thinks of us as dimly remembered neighbours of +her cousin's, coming to London for a little while; she is full of +engagements, and has no time for us, and just follows the fashions of +other people." + +"That is it," said Marian. "How shall I ever wish her good-bye in +charity?" + +They were interrupted; and it was not till Marian was gone that Agnes +had the satisfaction of a full outbreak of indignation at all fine +ladies, and of triumph in the impossibility of their ever spoiling her +own dear Marian. + +Marian had to spend the evening with the Marchmonts, and she was more +constrained with them at first than she had ever been before. Yet it +was not easy to continue constrained with Selina, who was perfectly +unconscious that she had given any offence; and the feeling was quite +removed by half an hour's play with little Willy, who was now promoted +to be a drawing-room child for various short intervals of the day. He +was under a nursery governess, who let his mamma have a little more +property in him. + +Selina asked about the intended journey, and thus renewed Marian's +feeling of the wrongs of the Wortleys; but when Selina scolded her for +not coming oftener, supposed she had been very happy, and envied her for +going to dear old Fern Torr, Marian began to forgive, and did so quite +when she wished she could have seen them, and lamented that she had been +so much engaged. Three times she had gone out, fully meaning to call on +them, and have a good long chat, but each time something delayed her; +and the last, and fourth, she really was obliged to be at home early, +and could not possibly make a call. + +The charm of manner made all this appease Marian; but when the immediate +spell of Selina's grace and caressing ways was removed, she valued it +rightly, and thought, though with pain, of the expressive epithet, +"fudge!" Could not Selina have gone to her aunt's old friends if she +would? Had not Marian known her to take five times the trouble for her +own gratification? Marian gained a first glimpse of the selfishness of +refined exclusiveness, and doubted whether it had not been getting a +hold of herself, when she had learnt of Selina to despise and neglect +all that was unpleasing. + +O the joy of knowing that she should turn her back on the great wicked +world again, and measure herself by the old standard of home! And yet +she trembled, lest she should find that the world had touched her more +than she had thought. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + "Yes, friends may be kind, and vales may be green, + And brooks, may sparkle along between; + But it is not friendship's kindest look, + Nor loveliest vale, nor clearest brook, + That can tell the tale which is written for me + On each old face and well known tree." + + R. H. FROUDE. + + +It was a happy day for both Agnes Wortley and Marian Arundel when they +again entered Devonshire. Agnes seemed to feel her four weeks as serious +an absence as Marian did her four years, and was even more rapturous in +her exclamations at each object that showed her she was near home. + +They walked up the last and steepest hill, or rather bounded along the +well known side path, catching at the long trailing wreaths of the +dogrose, peeping over the gates which broke the high hedge, where +Marian, as she saw the moors, could only relieve her heart by +pronouncing to herself those words of Manzoni's Lucia, "_Vedo i miei +monti._" ("I see my own mountains.") She beheld the woods and the +chimneys of the Manor House, but she shrank from looking at it, and +gazed, as if she feared it was but a moment's vision, at the rough +cottages, the smoke curling among the trees, the red limestone quarry, +and the hills far away in the summer garb of golden furze. It was home, +her heart was full, and Agnes respected her silence. + +Down the hill, along the well-known paling, past the cottages, the dear +old faces smiling welcome; the Church, always the same, the green rail +of the Vicarage garden, the paint was the only thing new; the porch, +with roses hanging thicker over it than ever; Ranger, David Chapple, +Jane, the housemaid, all in ecstasy in their different ways. + +That first evening was spent in visiting every nook of the garden with +Agnes, and hearing the history of each little innovation; then, after a +slight interval of sleepiness, came those fond, cordial "good nights," +which dwell no where but at home. + +She woke to the reality of a Fern Torr Sunday, not to shake off with +disappointment and wearinesss, the dream of such a day. There was the +pinkthorne, dressed in all its garlands, before her window, the dew +lying heavy and silvery on the grass; the cart-horses enjoying their +holiday in the meadow, the mass of blossom in the orchard, the sky +above, all blueness, the air full of a delicious quietness, as if the +sunshine itself was repose, Marian leant out at her window, and wondered +if it was possible she should have been so long away, so familiar, so +natural did it all seem. + +The hurried breakfast, the walk to school, the school itself, how well +she knew it all, and within the school how old a world it was, and yet +how new! The benches, the books, the smiles, the curtsies, the very +nosegays, redolent of southernwood, were unchanged, but all the great +good girls of her day, the prime first class, where was it? Here was the +first class still, Agnes' pride; but, behold, these are the little ones +of her day, and the babies for whom she had made pink frocks and frilled +caps, now stared up in her face responsible beings, who could say more +than half the Catechism. Her own little pets of school-days were grown +out of knowledge into the uninteresting time of life, the "old age +of childhood," and looked as if they found it equally difficult to +recognize "little Miss" in a lady taller than Miss Wortley. Next +followed the walk to Church, full of meetings and greetings, admiration +of her growth, and inquiries after Sir Gerald. + +Yes, Marian did feel like the old self: her four years' absence was like +a dream that had passed away, and was nothing to her; she could think +only of home, home thoughts and home interests; the cares and the +teasings, the amusements and the turmoils of Oakworthy and London, were +as things far distant, which had never really concerned her, or +belonged to some different state of existence. She was at home, as she +continually said to herself; she felt as if she was in some way more in +the presence of her parents, as if their influence was sheltering her, +and shielding her from all external ill, as in the days of yore. Happy +they who can return after four years' trial as Marian did. + +She was preparing for Confirmation; for, to her great joy, she was in +time to form one of Mr. Wortley's own flock, He gave her half an hour +every other morning; and now it was that all the difficulties raised +in her mind in arguments with Caroline, doubts with right or wrong, or +questions why and wherefore, were either solved or smoothed down. Her +principles were strengthened, her views were cleared up; she learnt the +reasons of rules she had obeyed in ignorance, and perceived her own +failures and their causes. + +These were her graver hours. At other times she read, drew, and studied +German with Agnes, who gladly availed herself of the aid of one well +crammed by London masters, and who could not but allow, even to the +credit of her enemies, that they had made Marian very accomplished. + +There were long walks to every well-remembered hill and dell, with +further expeditions planned against the return of the boys, and numerous +visits to old friends at the cottages to present Marian's gifts, which +had fairly overpowered Saunders' powers of packing. Delightful walks, +how different from the parade on the chalk roads, over high hedges, +through gaps doubly fenced with thorns, scrambling, at the risk of +neck us well as of dress, over piles of fern and ivy-covered rocks, or +hopping across brooks on extemporised stepping-stones, usually in the +very thick of some _mauvais pas_, discussing some tremendous point of +metaphysics or languages and breaking off in it to scream at the beauty +of the view, or to pity a rent muslin. + +Marian and Agnes talked considerably now, and, allowing for the +difference in age, just as they used to do. Marian's fears of her own +coldness and doubts of her confidence in Agnes had all melted in her +native atmosphere, and were quite forgotten. She could speak of the +Lyddells now, though still she did not find fault with them, nor make +complaints; indeed, it was Agnes' abuse of them that made her first +discover that she had a regard for them. + +This prejudice, as she began to call it, seemed to her unaccountable, +since she had never written complainingly, until she found at last, +(which made her inclined to treat it with more respect,) that it +was founded on what Edmund had reported. He had come to Fern Torr +immediately after his visit to Oakworthy, very much out of spirits, and +had poured out his anxieties to his friends, talking of Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell with less caution than he had used with Marian, and lamenting +over the fate of his poor little cousins like something hopeless. Marian +thought of Gerald, and her heart failed her, then she hoped again, for +Gerald was coming home, and then she understood what Edmund had thought +of it all, and knew that it was perfectly consistent with his last +conversation with her. So she said that was four years ago, and that +Edmund was very kind. + + +The time of Gerald's arrival came. Charles and James Wortley preceded +him by about a fortnight, and all that Marian saw of them made her +rejoice in such companionship for him. Mr. Wortley drove her to meet him +at Exeter, and never was greeting more joyful. Lionel had sent her a +message that Oakworthy would be as dull as ditch water without her, +and if she did not come back before the end of the holidays, he should +certainly be obliged to go back to Eton again to find something to do. +Having delivered this message, Gerald made both his companions laugh by +gazing about as if surprised to find Exeter still in the same place, and +wondering at reading all the old names over the shops. + +Marian was delighted that he recognised all the torrs on the drive home, +and very proud of his height, his beauty, and his cordial, well-bred +gentlemanlike manners, which gave the Wortleys general satisfaction. + +The first thing he did was to go out and visit his old pony in the +paddock, patting it very affectionately, though he seemed much surprised +that it was so small. + +In the evening they went to the Manor House. Marian had spent many hours +there, sat in the empty rooms, wandered in the garden, and mused on past +days, or dwelt on them with Agnes, and she had looked forward with great +pleasure to having her brother there. + +She wished to have had him alone, but he asked Agnes and the boys to +come, and they all set out together up the rocky steps, Gerald far +before the rest, and when Marian came up to him he was standing on the +lawn, at the top of the steps, looking at the house. + +"I thought it was larger," exclaimed he. + +"But, Gerald, see how high the magnolia has grown, and how nice and +smooth old Lapthorn keeps the lawn. Does it not look as if we had gone +away only yesterday?" + +"Yes, and there is the little larburnum that we planted. How it is +grown! But how very small the house is." + +By this time the door had been opened by the old housekeeper, and +Marian, running up to her, exclaimed, "Here he is, Mrs. White! Come, +come, Gerald, come and speak to Mrs. White!" + +Gerald came, but with no readiness of manner. His "how d'ye do?" was +shy and cold, and not at all answerable to her eager, almost tearful, +"Pretty well, thank you, Sir. It is something to see you at home again, +Sir Gerald; so tall, and looking so well. 'Tis almost old times again, +to see you and Miss Marian." + +He stood silent, and Agnes spoke, "Yes, Mrs. White, is not he grown? It +does not seem to be so very long before we shall really have them here +for good." + +"Ah! Miss Wortley, that is what I have always wished to live for; I have +always said, let me only live to see Sir Gerald come back, and find +things in order as he left them, and then I would die contented." + +"No, no, live to keep his house many more years," said Marian. "It is +four years less now you know, Mrs. White; only eight more before we +shall be able to live here. For, I suppose you would like to have me +back too." + +"I don't know Miss Marian; you will he married long before that, such a +fine young lady as you are grown to be." + +Marian laughed and passed on into the house, sorry that Gerald had taken +no part in the conversation. They went into the drawing-room, that room +where he had wept so bitterly the day before his departure. Again his +observation was, "I thought this room was twice the size. And so low!" + +"You have been looking in at the large end of a telescope lately, +Gerald," said his sister with some sorrow in her tone, as she sat down +on one of the brown holland muffled sofas, and looked up at her father's +portrait, trying to find a likeness there to the face before her. There +was the same high brow, the same dark eyes, the same straight features, +the same bright open smile. Gerald was more like it, in some respects, +than he had been, but there was a haughty, impetuous expression now +and then on eye, brow, and lip, that found no parallel in the gentle +countenance which, to Marian's present feelings, seemed to be turned +towards him with an air of almost reproachful anxiety. + +Perhaps he saw some of the sadness of her expression, and; always +affectionate, wished to please her by manifesting a little more of the +feelings which really still existed. He came and stood by her, and +whispered a few caressing words, which almost compensated for the +vexation his carelessness had occasioned. He looked earnestly at the +picture for a few moments, then, turning away, suddenly exclaimed, "I +should like to see the old dressing-room." + +This was Lady Arundel's morning room, where many a lesson had been +repeated, many a game played, and where, perhaps, more childish +recollections centered than in any other part of the house. The brother +and sister went thither alone, and much enjoyed looking into every +well-known corner, and talking of the little events which had there +taken place. This lasted for nearly a quarter of an hour, when they +rejoined their companions to make the tour of the garden, &c. All was +pleasant here, Gerald recollected every nook, and was delighted to find +so much unchanged. + +"Let us just look into the stable yard," said he, as they were coming +away. It was locked, but a message to Mrs. White procured the key, and +they entered the neat deserted court, without one straw to make it look +inhabited, though the hutch where the rabbits had lived was still in its +place; and even in one corner the reversed flower-pot, which Gerald +well remembered to have brought there to mount upon, in order to make +investigations into a blackbird's nest, in the ivy on the wall. + +He now used the same flower-pot to enable him to peep in at the hazy +window of the stable, and still more lamentable was his exclamation, +"Can this be all! How very small!" + +"Nothing but low and little, you discontented boy," said Agnes. + +"Why, really, I could not believe it was on such a small scale," said +Gerald. "Marian, now is it possible there can be only six stalls here?" + +"Why, what would have been the use of more?" said Marian. + +"Ah! why to be sure, there was no one to ride much," said Gerald. "But +yet I can hardly imagine it! What could my father have done in his +younger days? Only six stalls! And no loose box. Well, people had +contracted notions in those days! And the yard so small! Why, the one at +Oakworthy would make four of it." + +"And you had really managed to persuade yourself that this was a grander +place than Oakworthy?" said Marian. + +Gerald made no answer; but after walking backwards till he had a +full view of the stable and surrounding regions, broke out into the +exclamation, "I see what is to be done! Take down that wall--let in +a piece of the kitchen garden--get it levelled--and then extend it a +little on the right side too. Yes, I see." + +"You are not talking of spoiling this place!" cried Agnes, in dismay. + +"Spoiling! only making it habitable," said Gerald. "How can a man live +here with a stable with six stalls, and nothing like a kennel?" + +The utter impossibility of such an existence was so strongly impressed +on the mind of the young baronet, that as soon as tea was over he +commenced a sketch of his future stables, adding various explanations +for the benefit of Charles and James. There was almost a daily quarrel +on the subject with Agnes, and much laughing on each side; but Marian, +afraid of making him more determined, took no part in it. + +Much might happen in eight years to make him change his mind, and this +stable in the clouds might be endured, if everything else had been fully +satisfactory. + +Very happy were the boys next morning, setting off to the woods to study +the localities of the game; very happy were they fishing and rabbit +shooting; very happy, galloping over the country by turns on the two +ponies; very happy were the whole party in pic-nic expeditions, and in +merry evening sports; but these could not take up every hour and every +minute; and Marian could not help observing, that while Charles and +James could always find some work on which to be employed in the +intervals, Gerald was idle and listless. There were hours in the morning +when they had their Latin and Greek to study, while Gerald was usually +loitering in the drawing-room. That he should voluntarily touch Latin +or Greek in the holidays was perhaps more than mortal could expect; +but that he should not read anything was disappointing. The vicarage +afforded no periodical novels, no slang tales of low life, no manuals +of sporting. The Waverley novels he had read long ago, and nothing of +a more solid description would he touch; so his mornings were chiefly +spent in drawing caricatures, and chattering to his sister and Agnes. He +was indeed very amusing, but this was not all that could be desired. Now +and then there were stories of feats which did not seem likely to be +those of the best and wisest set of boys; and his idea of the life of +a boy, if not of man, was plainly that it was to be spent in taking +pleasure and shirking work. Then he took in a sporting paper, and used +to entertain them with comments on the particulars of the races, and of +bets, which no one in the house understood but himself; but these were +never in the presence of either Mr. or Mrs. Wortley, where he was on his +guard. + +In these intervals of idleness, Marian tried to persuade him several +times to write to Edmund, who would be glad to have a report fresh from +home. He always said he would soon set about a letter, but the time +never came, though she more than once arranged pen, paper, and ink in +readiness for him. He had recently received a letter from his cousin, +but he had torn it up, and could not remember anything about the +contents. + +Something between bashfulness and pride produced conduct which could +not but appear like arrant haughtiness to the villagers, who had looked +forward eagerly to seeing their young landlord. If Marian tried to +bring him to speak to some poor old man, his answer was, "Give him this +half-crown, then, that will do just as well!" and he walked off out +of reach, while she remained to present the gift, and hear in answer, +"Thank you kindly, Miss; I should like to see the young gentleman +himself, but I daresay he does not like poor people." + +If this was the feeling where there was half-a-crown to sweeten the +neglect, what was it where such a propitiatory offering was out of the +question, and where the original connection had been closer, among the +old servants, the dependants and tenants? His lofty acknowledgment +of their bows,--his short, reluctant "Good morning," when forced to +speak,--and his willingness to escape from their presence, contrasted +ill with the cordial greetings with which his cousin Edmund had always +hailed each Fern Torr person as a friend. Indeed, "that nice young +gentleman, Master Edmund," began to be recollected with regrets, which, +had the Manor been a kingdom, might have amounted to treason towards the +young heir. + +Marian grieved at this behaviour, and would have attempted to argue +him out of it, but he gave her scarcely any opportunity of a serious +conversation; and Mr. Wortley gave him more than one hint, which, though +be took it with perfect courtesy, never mended matters. Yet with all +this, he was so agreeable, so good-natured and gentlemanlike, so +pleasant a guest, and so affectionate a brother, that Mr. and Mrs. +Wortley could not help liking him very much; and if they saw anything +amiss, they did not pain his sister by speaking of it. Her misgivings +were too vague and undetermined for her to be willing to consult +Mr. Wortley; if she thought at one time that she would, she grew so +frightened and reluctant whenever an occasion came, that she let it pass +by; and she was divided between blame to herself for doing nothing, when +a few words might be the rescue of her brother, and self-reproach for +doing him cruel injustice. + +Nay, she even defended him more than once, when Agnes was shocked. She +protected a shirt, illustrated by his own hand, in marking-ink, with +cricketers, which caused infinite scandal to the washerwomen of Fern +Torr. She defended slang words, which Agnes, from not understanding +them, fancied worse than they really were; and she never failed to say +he did not mean to be unkind, whenever he was neglectful of the poor +people. She was displeased with herself afterwards for speaking in +favour of these things, for she well knew them to be only parts of the +whole system which grieved her; but still she could not help it. + +These thoughts were suspended by the solemn time approaching. Her +confirmation-day came, and she stood among the maidens of her own home +and village, who had been baptized in the same font, and shared with her +the same instructions. Simultaneously with them she pronounced her vow; +and perhaps it was a repining thought which crossed her mind,--"Why am +I not like these, to remain in this peaceful nest, not sent forth to +be wearied and tried by that glittering world of unrest, which I thus +renounce?" + +She knelt to receive the blessing, which brought with it the trust that +the peace of that moment might dwell with her, refresh her, and shield +her "as oft as sin and sorrow tire." And when her eye fell on her +brother, it was with more hope, for now she could better pray for him. +Whatever might happen, it could never hurt the memory of that awful +yet soothing hour, nor of that first Communion when she knelt near her +parents' graves between Mrs. Wortley and Agnes; the whole air filled +with the prayers of those on earth and in heaven who loved her best; nor +of her walk in the garden afterwards with Mr. Wortley, when he plainly +spoke to her of her life as one of peculiar trial and temptation, and +warned her how to be in the world, and yet not of the world. + +The nest event of the visit to Fern Torr was Saunders' wedding. Saunders +did not love Oakworthy, still less Mrs. Lyddell, and least of all Mrs. +Price, the ladies' maid; and when she found herself at Fern Torr again, +and heard Mr. David Chapple renew his tender speeches, the return +thither became more and more difficult; and one day, while plaiting her +young lady's hair, she communicated to her with a great gush of tears, +that, though she could not bear to think of leaving her, and would not +on any account cause her any inconvenience, she began to think it was +time to think about her marriage. + +It was a stroke to Marian to hear of losing any old familiar face, and +her look of dismay was a great satisfaction to Saunders; but she could +bear it better than she could once have done, and there were reasons +which made a change not so very much to be regretted even by her. +The quarrels between Saunders and the rest of the household were not +agreeable, and what she now felt to be a serious evil, was that habit of +complaining to her, and telling her stories against the family, of which +Edmund had warned her long ago. She had tried to discourage it, but, +once begun, it had never been entirely discontinued; and Marian felt it +to be wrong in every way. + +She made up her mind, therefore, with greater philosophy than could have +been expected, to the loss of Saunders; and was further consoled by +finding it gave hey an opportunity of promoting a nice young Fern Torr +damsel, too delicate for hard work, who had been taught dressmaking, and +whom Saunders undertook to instruct in the mysteries of the hair, quite +sufficiently to carry her on till they went to London, and she could +take lessons from some grand frizeur. + +Mrs. Lyndell was written to, and gave her consent to the hiring of +Fanny, and Marian and Agnes were so delighted at the opening thus made +for her, that Saunders would have been jealous if she had not been too +happily engaged in her own preparations. + +As to Gerald he made a dreadful face when he first heard of Saunders' +intentions; but as her going made no difference to his comfort, he soon +became resigned. David was an old acquaintance, whom he liked because +he belonged to the genus groom; so he made no objection to his sister's +attending the wedding. He presented the bride with a tea-set, splendid +with gilding, and surprised every one by walking into Mr. Wortley's +kitchen in the midst of the bridal entertainment, and proposing the +health of the happy pair. + +Marian was to return under Gerald's escort, at the end of the holidays. +He was to go on to Eton, leaving her at the railway station, where she +was to be met by the Lyddells' carriage. The last letter arrived, +in which arrangements respecting time and train were to be finally +confirmed. It was, as usual, from Caroline; and as she opened it, Marian +gave a sudden start. + +"Eh?" said Gerald, "whose mare's dead? Not Elliot's Queen Pomare, I +hope!" + +"No, but Miss Morley is going." + +"O!" cried Gerald, "I hope she has been reading some more letters." + +"Not quite," said Marian smiling. + +"Well, but is it directly? I suppose you did not think she was to stay +there for life? Has she been in any mischief, that you look so shocked?" + +Marian really could not help discovering that she was not without +tenderness of feeling for Miss Morley, and did not like to proclaim, in +Caroline's strong and rather satirical language, across the breakfast +table, that Mrs. Lyddell had discovered by accident that she and her +pupil were in the habit of amusing themselves with novels which were +far better unread. After reading quickly to the end of the letter, she +answered, "O, she has been reading books with Clara that Mrs. Lyddell +did not approve." + +"A triumph! a triumph!" cried Agnes. "Now Marian will never attempt to +defend Miss Morley again." + +"What, not the poor unfortunate faithful? How can you think me so base?" +returned Marian. "Besides, poor thing, she really is very kind-hearted, +and has very little harm in her. I dare say it was more Clara's fault +than hers," + +"Well done, Marian, striking right and left!" observed James Wortley. + +"How long has Miss Morley been at Oakworthy?" asked Mrs. Wortley. + +"She came about a year before we did," replied Marian. + +"Her predecessor, Miss Cameron, must have been a very different person; +Caroline and Walter always speak of her with such respect." + +"Poor unfortunate!" broke out Gerald. "Well, if it had not been for +Marian's letters, I should not have hated her so much. When one was +making a row, she never did anything worse than say, 'Now Sir Gerald!'" +which he gave with her peculiarly unauthoritative, piteous, imploring +drawl. + +"There was something in that title of 'poor unfortunate,' peculiarly +appropriate," said Marian, laughing, "as I am afraid that it is now, +poor thing. She is to leave Oakworthy immediately, and I do not know +that she has any relation but an old aunt." + +Mr. and Mrs. Wortley agreed with Marian that it was a melancholy case, +but the others were too triumphant to be compassionate; and Gerald +amused Agnes half the morning with ludicrous stories of her +inefficiency. + +Marian was thoughtful all day; and at last, when sitting alone with Mrs. +Wortley and Agnes, exclaimed, "Poor Miss Morley! I really am very sorry +for her; I did not know I liked her so well." + +"Absence is the great charm with Marian," said Agnes, laughing; "we +learn now what makes her so affectionate to us." + +"No, but really, Agnes, when one has been living in constant intercourse +for four years, and often receiving kindness from a person, is it +possible to hear of her being sent away in disgrace and poverty without +caring about it?" + +"O yes; I know; after having lived in the same house with a kitchen +poker for four years, you get so attached to it that it gives you a pang +to part with it. No, but the comparison is no compliment to the poker; +that is firm enough, at any rate,--a down cushion would be better." + +"An attachment to a down cushion is nothing to be ashamed of, Agnes," +said her mother. + +"And Miss Morley did deserve some attachment, indeed," said Marian. "She +was so ready to oblige, and she really did many and many a kind thing by +the servants; and I believe she quite denied herself, for the sake of +her old aunt. She was not fit for a governess, to be sure; but that was +more her misfortune than her fault, poor thing." + +"How do you make that out?" said Agnes. + +"Why, she was obliged to got her own living; and what other way had +she? She was educated for it, and had everything but the art of gaining +authority." + +"And high principle," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"But," said Marian, growing eager in her defence, "she really did know +right from wrong. She would remonstrate, and tell us things that were +every word good and true, only she did it with so little force, that +they were apt not to mind her; and then it was no wonder that she grew +dispirited, and sunk into poor unfortunate." + +"Yes," said Agnes, "I can understand it all; she was in a situation that +she was not fit for, and failed." + +"She would have been very different in another situation, most +probably," said Mrs. Wortley, "where she and the children were not so +much left to each other's mercy." + +"Yes; Mrs. Lyddell never mended matters," said Marian. "She did not back +up or strengthen her, but only frightened her, till she was quite as +ready to conceal what was amiss as her pupils. And that intimacy with +Clara was a very unlucky thing; it drew her down without drawing Clara +up." + +"I suppose that was the origin of the catastrophe," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"I should think so; they have been more alone together lately, for I am +sure this could never have happened when Caroline was in the schoolroom. +And her making a friend of Clara was no wonder, so forlorn and solitary +as she must have been." And Marian sighed with fellow-feeling for her. + +"An intimate, not a friend," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"And I could better fancy making a friend of Miss Lyddell," said Agnes. +"I can't say my tête-à-tête with Miss Clara made me desire much more of +her confidence." + +"Clara is more caressing," said Marian. "I think I am most fond of her, +though Caroline is--O! quite another thing. But what I wanted was to ask +you, Mrs. Wortley, if you thought I might write to poor Miss Morley, and +ask if there is anything I can do for her. I can't bear to think of her +going away without wishing her good-bye, or showing any feeling for her +in her distress." + +"How very right and kind of you, Marian," exclaimed Agnes, "after all +her injustice--" + +"I do not think it would be advisable, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +would seem like putting yourself in opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +might be pledging yourself, in a manner, to recommend her, which, with +your opinion of her, you could not well do." + +"O, no, no, except in some particular case. Yes, I suppose you are +right; but I don't feel happy to take no notice." + +"Perhaps something may occur on your return, when you understand the +matter more fully; or, at any rate, if you are writing to Oakworthy, you +might send some message of farewell, kind remembrances, or love." + +"Those are so unmeaning and conventional that I hate them," said Marian. + +"Yes, but their want of meaning is their advantage here. They are merely +kindly expressions of good will." + +"And they will mean more from you," added Agnes, "as you never have the +civility to use them on ordinary occasions." + +"Well, I will take your advice," said Marian, "and thank you, Mrs. +Wortley; I only wish--" + +The wish ended in a sigh, as Marian sat down to commence--"My dear +Caroline." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + "But we are women when boys are but boys; + Heav'n gives us grace to ripen and grow wise, + Some six years earlier. I thank heav'n for it: + We grow upon the sunny side of the wall." + + TAYLOR. + + +It certainly was quite involuntary on Agnes Wortley's part, but when +the time came for returning to Oakworthy, Marian was conscious of more +kindly and affectionate feelings towards it and its inhabitants than she +had ever expected to entertain for them. She did not love Fern Torr or +the Wortleys less; she had resumed her confidence and sympathy with +Agnes, and felt the value of Mrs. Wortley more than ever; and it quite +made her heart ache to think how long it would be before she saw another +purple hill or dancing streamlet, and that she should not be there to +see her dear old myrtle's full pride of blossom. But, on the other hand, +her room at Oakworthy, with its treasures, was a sort of home; and she +looked forward to it gladly, when once she was out of sight of the +moors. + +The train had stopped and gone on again from the last station before +that where they were to leave it for Oakworthy, when Gerald, coming +across to the seat by her side, said, "Marian, I say, can you lend me a +couple of pounds?" + +"Why, Gerald, what can you want with them?" + +"Never mind; only be a good girl, and let me have them." + +"You had plenty of money when you came to Fern Torr. How could you have +got rid of it all?" + +"Come, come, Marian, don't be tiresome. Haven't I had to give to all the +old women in the place?" + +"But do you really mean that you have no money?" + +"O yes, I have some, but not what I want. Come, I know you keep +California in your pocket. What harm can it do you?" + +After all Marian's presents at Fern Torr, it was not quite as +convenient, as Gerald fancied, to part with two pounds; but that was not +the best motive to put forward, nor was it her reason for hesitating. + +"I don't know whether it is right; that is the thing, Gerald." + +"Right! why where is the right or wrong in it?" + +"I am afraid it may do you harm," said she, in a trembling, doubtful +voice. + +"Stuff! I'll take care of that!" + +"If you would only tell me what you want it for?" + +"I tell you, Marian, I can't do without it; I don't know what I shall +do, if you won't give it to me." + +"Debts! O Gerald, you have not got into debt?" + +"Well, and what do you look so scared about? Do you think they will kill +me?" + +"O, Gerald, Gerald, this proves it all." + +"It? what?" said Gerald. "Come, don't be so like a girl! I have not been +doing any thing wrong, I tell you, and it is all your fault if I can't +get clear." + +"With such an allowance as you have, O Gerald, how could you? And how +could you throw about money at home, when you knew you were in debt?" + +"You talk as if I had been ruining my wife and ten small children," +cried Gerald, impatiently. "A fine fuss about making a few pounds stand +over till next half. But you women go headlong at it, never see the +rights of a thing. So, you won't? Well, it is your doing now!" + +"I can't see any end to it," said Marian, reflectingly. "If I thought +you would make a resolution--but you will be without money at all, and +how are you to get through this half? O, Gerald! better write to Mr. +Lyddell at once, and he will set you straight, and you can begin fresh." + +Gerald made a face of utter contempt. The steam whistle was heard; they +were stopping. "There is an end of it, then" said he, angrily. "I did +not think you had been so ill-natured; it is all your fault, I tell you. +I thought you cared for me." + +This was dreadful; Marian's purse was in her hand, and she began "O +Gerald dear, anything but that!"--when they found themselves close in +front of the station, and Lionel pulling at the door of their carriage, +and calling fiercely to the porter to unlock them. + +Caroline was standing on the platform, and there was a tumult of +greetings and inquiries for luggage to be taken out and put in. Gerald +ran to see that his goods were separated from his sister's; Lionel shook +hands with Marian, and scolded her for staying away all the holidays; +roared to the porter that his portmanteau was for Slough, then turned +again to say, "You've heard of poor unfortunate, Marian?" + +The bell rang; Gerald ran back; Marian knew she was weak, but could +not help it,--she squeezed the two sovereigns into his hand, and was +comforted for the moment by his affectionate farewell. Lionel and he +threw themselves into their carriage, and were whisked off. + +"There!" said Caroline. "Now come along. O, I am so glad you are come; I +have so much to say." + +Marian could not dwell on Gerald; she put her arm within Caroline's, +looked back to see Fanny safe under the care of an Oakworthy footman, +and soon was in the carriage. + +"Well, Caroline; and how is every one?" + +"Pretty well, considering the revulsion of ideas we have all undergone. +Poor Miss Morley left plenty of farewells for you. You can't think haw +pleased she was with your message." + +"Poor thing! Where is she?" + +"At her aunt's; she went on Monday. Mamma was impatient to have it over. +You know her ways." + +Marian knew that this intimated that Caroline thought her mother had +not been kind; and she doubted whether to continue her inquiries; +but Caroline was too eager to tell, to wait for questions, and +proceeded:--"There had been dissatisfaction for a long time, as I +believe you may have guessed; mamma thought Clara backward, and wanting +in what Miss Morley calls 'the solid;' and at last, coming suddenly into +the schoolroom at twelve o'clock one fine day, she found reason good, +for they were very comfortably reading M. Eugene Sue." + +"O, Caroline, impossible!" + +"Too possible," said Caroline, "though I would not believe it at first. +However, they did not know what it was when they began, and were +afterwards too much bewitched with the story to leave off; and as they +felt it was wrong, they read it the more constantly to get it over +faster." + +"But how in the world could they get such a book?" + +"From the circulating library. It appears that they found the evenings +rather dull in London this spring, when we were all out, and so began a +little secret hiring, which was continued at Oakworthy, and with a worse +choice of books." + +"That she should be so little to be trusted!" + +"Nay, Marian, who could live with her half-an-hour in the schoolroom, +and think she could?" + +"Certainly, she often puzzled me when first I came." + +"And you never saw the worst. You always kept order, after you came." + +"O, Caroline, what nonsense!" + +"Yes, indeed you did. I do assure you that, scores of times, the +knowledge that your great eyes were wondering at me has kept me from +bullying Miss Morley into letting me do what I knew to be wrong. I could +persuade her and deceive myself, but I could not persuade you; and then +all the rest went for nothing, because you were sure to be right." + +"It is very easy to see the right for other people," said Marian, with +rather a sad smile. + +"Yes, only other people don't mind that, unless you do the right +for yourself; and that is the thing in you, Marian. If you had said +anything, I should not have minded it half so much; but your 'I don't +know,' cut me home." + +"I am sorry--" + +"No, don't be sorry, for I am glad. If you had not come before all the +good of Miss Cameron had gone off from me, what should I have been? O, +Marian, I am very glad you are come back; I did not know I liked you +half so well till you were gone." + +"I am sure I might say the same" almost whispered Marian, in a choked +tone, under her bonnet. Caroline caught it up eagerly, and seizing her +by both hands, exclaimed, stooping forward to peep at her face, "Marian, +Marian, do you say so? And are you really not so very miserable at +coming back to us?" + +A tear, one of Marian's very reluctant tears, actually rushed from her +eye, and with a hard struggle to speak, she said, "Miserable! how can +you say so? You are so very kind to me." + +"And do you not hate us?" said Caroline, with, an arch look of delight, +then softened into something of mournfulness. "Nay, I did not mean that; +but you can bear to be with us after your own Agnes,--after those good +people,--after such a home as Fern Torr?" + +"O, Caroline, this is very unlike my first coming to you!" + +"Yes, I know we were not kind; we were not as we ought to have been to +you." + +"No, no, no; I was stiff and disagreeable; I would not be pleased," said +Marian, forgetting all coldness but her own. + +"No wonder. O, Marian," and Caroline's voice trembled, "no one knows +better than I do how much there is to be lamented in our ways of going +on,--how different our house is from Fern Torr." Marian could not say +no. "You were too good for us; you are still, I would not see you like +us; but if we could make you comfortable enough to think Oakworthy not +an exile, but something like a home, how glad I should be!" + +Marian laid her hand on Caroline's arm; and, with an effort that cost +her a spasm in her throat, she said, "You have!" Not another word could +she get out; but this was enough. Caroline kissed her for the first time +in her life, except at the formal partings at bed-time, and there were +tears on both their faces. After a time, Caroline broke into the flood +of thoughts in her cousin's mind, by saying, playfully, "When folks are +missed, then they are mourned, people say; and I am sure you deserve the +compliment, for till you were gone, I never knew your value. How many +silly fancies of Clara's have flourished, for want of your indifference +to put them down! How stupid it has been not to have you to read with, +or talk to! How lonely the drawing-room has been, and nothing but +nonsense if I went to the schoolroom. And then the boys,--Lionel has +been so unruly there was no bearing it, and grumbling for you every day; +and Johnny,--O, Marian, do you know it is settled that Johnny goes to +sea, after all?" + +"Johnny! I know he wished it, but I thought Mrs. Lyddell never would +make up her mind to it." + +"Ah! there have been storms in the higher quarters," said Caroline, with +would-be gaiety. "You are very lucky to have been away all this time, +for it has been by no means a serene sky. You know," she proceeded with +gravity, "they say the times are bad; well, in the midst of papa's +vexation at the tenants asking for a reduction of rent, in came a whole +lot of Elliot's long bills, which made papa lecture Walter and me one +whole evening on economy, and caused him to be extremely annoyed with +everything and everybody, and to say mamma must give up her opposition +to Johnny's being a sailor; and I never saw mamma take anything so +really to heart. It has been very uncomfortable; and in the midst came +this business of poor Miss Morley, who had rather harder measure in +consequence." + +"Poor little woman! Well, she was very good-natured," said Marian, glad +to turn the conversation from this account of family matters, not given +in the pleasantest style, but rather as if Caroline was trying to +conceal her real feelings by an air of satire. + +"She was like a child in authority. You see, we, who know her well, +never think of blaming her as if she had originated the mischief; while +mamma, who never did know her, cannot be persuaded that she simply +yielded to Clara." + +"That is not exactly the object one desires in a governess," said +Marian. "Well, poor thing! and how is Clara? is she very sorry?" + +"I really can hardly tell. I have been vexed with Clara myself, to tell +you the truth; for I thought she acted shabbily. The blame passed over +her, and lighted on Miss Morley; and she did not stretch out a hand to +help her. Now Clara knew that it was wrong to read those books, just as +well as you or I; indeed, it was all her doing; and I could not bear +to see, her thinking herself innocent, and led into the scrape by Miss +Morley. She did cry excessively, and was very unhappy when she found +Miss Morley was really going, and the parting was heart-rending; but +then the very next day, in spite of their confidential friendship, she +began to disclose the poor woman's follies one after another, till I am +quite tired of hearing of them. They must have grown much worse than +they were in our time. I never knew then that she was always fancying +people were in love with her." + +"T wonder what she will do!" + +"She would not be a bad governess where the mother looked after the +children. Well, I hope she will soon get another situation, poor thing!" + +"Yes, indeed, for I am afraid she never saved anything." + +"O, no, she frittered all her money away, and always was poor at +quarter-day; and she has only that old aunt to take care of her." + +"Poor thing, poor thing! If she would but have been firmer. And is Clara +to have another governess?" + +"No, mamma thinks her too old; but I am sure I hope she is to develope +more. I do not think you or I were like her at fifteen." + +"I think," said Marian, meditatively, "that Miss Morley and Clara helped +what--was not wise in each other." + +"Yes, that is my hope,--that when Clara is out of her influence, she may +grow wiser. People's minds do grow at different times, you know. Poor +little Clara! I want Walter to talk to her, but it is hard to bring +about; for they seem to have no common subject. Ours is a very odd +household; we all go our own ways in our own worlds. Papa and mamma each +have their way; and Elliot his way. Walter stands alone too; then I am a +sort of connecting-link between the schoolroom set and mamma,--yes, and +with Walter too: while the three boys are a party by themselves. O, +Marian, no wonder you did not like us." + +"Say no more of that, pray, Caroline." + +She made no answer, but after a pause, suddenly exclaimed, "Nothing +would matter, if it was not for Elliot. He is the root of all that has +gone wrong." + +"Is he at home?" + +"No; he went last week, and the storm lulled then. O, Marian, I am weary +of it all! But it is one comfort that you are come." + +Caroline certainly looked very much harassed, and her words showed that +every one had been out of temper, and she had been obliged to bear it +all. Marian was very sorry, and felt quite fond of her, as she answered, +with a kind tone, "Thank you." + +"Walter has been the only comfort; but then he has been very unhappy +too. I am afraid he knows more and worse of Elliot than he chooses to +tell me. And then he is so busy,--going up for his degree, you know, +after the vacation, and so nervous about it, that I have not liked to +talk to him about anything tiresome, because, poor fellow, he is +quite worried enough already. Well, but now tell me about pleasanter +things--your pretty Agnes, how is she? and Gerald?--I wanted to have +seen more of him. Was not he in glory?" + +"O, yes," said Marian, as a pang shot through her at this recall of her +anxieties. + +"And tell me the whole story of Saunders' wedding." + +The two cousins had so much to say, that the long reaches of white chalk +road and the bare downs had hardly time to pain Marian's eye; and she +was surprised so soon to find herself in the well-known street of +Oakworthy. + +It was not a hopeful prospect with which to return, after so happy a +summer as she had spent; and yet a degree of trouble gave Marian a +kindlier feeling towards the Lyddells. If it had not been for Gerald, +she would have arrived at Oakworthy in a bright temper. Even now the +discontent had been expelled by the dispositions fostered by Mr. +Wortley; and if there was a weight on her, it was not a burthen of +selfish repining,--the worst burthen of all. That Caroline had really +missed her,--that Caroline loved her,--was a discovery that warmed +her heart, and inclined her more than all before to look kindly on +Oakworthy, when she drove up to the door, and met Clara in the hall. + +Clara hung upon her, and overwhelmed her with kisses; Mrs. Lyddell +received her just as she had done before; and Walter shook hands +cordially, as if he was very glad to see her again. The talk went on +about visits and engagements, and each moment made Marian feel that her +Sunday world had passed from her, and her workday world begun again. + +Clara came to her room with her, partly to see her new maid, and partly +to talk with her about Miss Morley; but Marian, not wishing to have +Fanny immediately astonished by her random way of talking, gave a sort +of stern look and sign, which silenced poor Clara on that subject. There +were plenty more, however, and she talked on fast; indeed, Marian had +not two minutes alone that whole evening, till, somewhere towards +half-past eleven, her cousins bade her a final good-night. + +She had time at last to think over that parting with Gerald, which had +hung heavily on her all this time, without her being able to enter upon +the subject with herself. What did it mean? Was it so very bad a sign? +Did it really confirm all her fears? or was it not possible that he +might have got into some chance difficulty? Might he not be careless and +extravagant, without being seriously in fault? Yes; but this was but of +a piece with other things which she had observed. Alone, it might not +have been so alarming; but even apart from this, she could not be quite +happy about him, after all she had observed. And had she been weak? had +she done what was bad for him? O, for some one to consult!--some one +under whose charge to put him! Was it her own fault that she had missed +the opportunity with Mr. Wortley! + +To pray for him was all that could be done, and it in some degree +stilled that aching feeling in her heart. Yet, whenever she woke in the +night, she seemed to hear Caroline saying, "If it was not for Elliot!" +with a foreboding that "If it was not for Gerald!" might be on her +tongue in the same manner, for the rest of her life. + +Every time Gerald's name was mentioned, there was a pang; every time +she thought of him in solitude, the fear and anxiety gained strength. +Consciousness of ignorance added to its poignancy; and young as she was, +it would be hard to describe how much suffering she underwent in secret, +night after night, as she lay awake, in her perplexed musings on that +one absorbing thought. Yet they were like those vague nightly terrors +of wolves, darkness, or mysterious horrors, from which little children +often suffer so much, without revealing them, and entirely shake off by +day; for Marian awoke in the morning to cheerfulness and activity, with +spirits undepressed, full of interest in things around; and only when +reminded of her fears, secretly wincing at the sudden throb of pain. + +Marian's days were more at her own disposal than formerly. She might do +as she pleased all the morning,--sit in her own room, and choose her own +occupation; and she was just beginning to think over two or three bright +plans of usefulness. She would make a series of copies, from prints, of +Scripture subjects, for the Fern Torr children; she would translate some +stories for them, and she had devised many other things to be done; when +Caroline one day said to her, "Marian, I don't know if it is asking a +great deal, but if you could sit with us sometimes in the morning, it +would be a great gain. Mamma wants me to read with Clara. Now, you know +I have no authority; and doing it for a lesson, as if it was for Clara's +good, will only make her hate it, and pay no attention at all. But if we +read together, as if it was for our own benefit, she will join in, and +think it a womanly thing." + +Marian smiled at the ingenuity of the scheme, such as she would have +been a great deal too awkward, as well as too straightforward ever to +devise. It was a case where "no" could not have been said, but there +were many ways of acting a no; and Marian was so sorry to give up the +Scripture drawings, the idea of which had greatly delighted her when +proposed by Agnes, that she had it in her heart to have backed out of it +as often as she could. A little thought, however, convinced her, that to +help Caroline's plans for her sister's good was the foremost duty, that +to avoid it would be positive wrong and unkindness; so she resolved +to lend herself to it with all her might, even though Agnes might be +disappointed. + +And pray, why should Agnes be disappointed? Why were the drawing and +reading incompatible? Marian had taught herself to think it impossible +to do anything for Fern Torr, in public, for fear of being laughed at, +or observed upon; and these drawings, which were of sacred subjects, and +further involved some alterations of her own, would, she thought, be +worse than any. She mused a long time whether this was right feeling or +foolish bashfulness, and decided at last that it was a little of the +former trying to justify a great deal of the latter, and that Caroline +and Clara were not the same thing as Miss Morley and all the boys; so +with an effort, which, considering the occasion, was almost absurd in +its magnitude, she brought her portfolio down, began to draw, and did +not experience anything unpleasant in consequence. It was one of her +first practical lessons in the fancifulness of her shyness. Her cousins +took interest in what she was about, admired, and helped her to hunt +up subjects to make her series complete; indeed the three girls were +exceedingly comfortable together, and a pleasant, mutual good-feeling +constantly grew between them. Clara was certainly becoming less childish +and silly when no longer nominally under the authority of Miss Morley, +and the confidante of all her follies, but the companion of two sensible +girls, young and bright enough to enter into all the liveliness about +her that was not silliness and a great deal that was, and to drive away +some of her nonsense by laughing at it. + +The mornings were thus pleasant and satisfactory, the afternoons were +less certain to be agreeable. If there was a ride, it was delightful, +if a walk, it was all very well; but there was a third contingency, to +which Marian had become liable, of being carried forth with her green +card-case on a morning visiting expedition by Mrs. Lyddell, and this was +one which required all her powers of resignation, though the misfortune +was much more imaginary than real. + +There were three chances of the way of spending the evening too. The +first, the family party alone, this was pretty well, and though not +charming, was by far the best; Mrs. Lyddell's talk was agreeable, and to +sit with Caroline, and perhaps with the addition of Walter, at the small +table, working, reading, and talking, was as quiet and comfortable a way +of passing the time as might be. A dinner party at home was next best, +for she had her own quiet corners of conversation, and Walter would +sometimes come and take shelter there too, and get into a talk, as well +as if the room were empty of company, sometimes better, because his +mother could not hear him, and he was never so backward in telling his +real mind, as in her hearing. Worst of all was a party from home, where +she knew few persons, and disliked all she knew. + +Unhappily, this was generally her feeling towards all the neighbourhood; +and though it may seem to be a strong expression, it is scarcely too +much to say that in Marian's habitual frame she looked on every one that +could be considered as company in the light of natural enemies, leagued +to prevent her walks and rides, to tease her, and to spoil her evenings. + +This was partly the result of her constitutional shyness, but it would +have gone off, by this time, if she had not fostered it by imbibing Lady +Marchmont's exclusiveness. Marian would have been shocked to realize how +she despised and scorned her acquaintance--why? the answer would have +been hard to find--because they were company--because they were the +world--because they were Mrs. Lyddell's society--because she was +superior? How or why? She disdained them all, without knowing it, and +far less knowing why. She complied scrupulously with every rule of +formal politeness, and had become a tolerable mistress, by rote, of such +common-place small talk as served to fulfil her part, and make her not +feel herself absurd, but this was all; she would not let herself be +pleased or amused, she would not open her eyes to anything good or +agreeable about the people, except a very few favoured ones, chiefly +clergymen or their wives. + +It was very wrong, it was Marian's one great fault at this period of her +life, and it had the effect of making her almost disliked. Clara had +scarcely said too much in telling Agnes that her pride was often +remarked, for Mrs. Lyddell's neighbours were just the people to fancy +pride where it was not, especially where the rank was superior to their +own. Tall, handsome, and outwardly self-possessed, Miss Arundel did not +gain credit, from superficial observers, for shyness, and was looked +upon as a very haughty ungracious girl, while it was whispered that Mrs. +Lyddell had had a great deal of trouble with her. + +The autumn passed on in this manner, and towards its close, Elliot +returned from shooting in Scotland, and announced that his friend, Mr. +Faulkner, was coming to Oakworthy, to look at an estate, which was for +sale in the neighbourhood. + +Mrs. Lyddell was pleased, and questioned her son about Mr. Faulkner's +thousands a-year; then turning to Marian, said, + +"Surely, Marian, you know him; I heard of your meeting him and Lady +Julia at Lady Marchmont's." + +"Yes," said Marian, with her face of rigidity. + +"Ah! yes, to be sure, he told me so," said Elliot. + +"Any one but Marian would be impatient to know what he said of her," +said Caroline. + +"Do you want to know yourself, Caroline?" said Elliot; "shall I tell +you?" + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, in her curiosity, forgetting that Marian might +be pained. + +"Ah! you ought to be warned if you want to set your cap at him, for +she has forestalled you. Let me see, what was it he said? O, that Lady +Marchmont would scarcely be alone in her glory long, for, for such as +liked the style of thing, her cousin was as perfect a piece of carving +in white marble as he ever had seen." + +White marble was certainly not the comparison for Marian's cheeks at +that moment; it was pain and horror to her even to hear that she had +been spoken of between Elliot and Mr. Faulkner, and to be told it in +this manner, in public, was perfectly dreadful. She could neither sink +under the table nor run away, so with crimson face and neck, she kept +her post on the sofa, and every one saw she was intensely annoyed. +Elliot, who had told it in a mischief-making spirit, fancying he should +make his sister jealous, walked away, amusing himself with the notion +that he had sown the dragon's teeth; Caroline was very sorry to have +caused such painful blushes, yet was proud to hear of Marian's being +admired; and Mrs. Lyddell said not a word, but worked on with a jerk at +her thread, trying to persuade herself that she was not vexed that, as +Elliot said, her daughter had been forestalled. + +Marian did not recover herself sufficiently to say one word about Mr. +Faulkner till she was in her own room, and then when Caroline came, to +pity her for her blushes, and apologize for having occasioned them, she +said, "O! how I wish he was not coming!" + +"Why, don't you like him in return for his admiration?" + +"He is a horrible man!" said Marian. + +"Horrible, and why? What has he done to you? I am sure you are very +ungrateful." + +"Don't talk of it," said Marian, blushing furiously again, then +recollecting that she might give rise to a suspicion that he had already +said something to her, she added, "I don't--I don't mean anything about +that nonsense." + +"Well, but what do you mean? Is it really anything more than his being +Elliot's friend, and having dared to--." + +"No, but Caroline, don't say anything about it; it was what I heard +about him at the Marchmonts." + +"O what?" + +"It does not seem fair to tell how they talked over their guests, so +don't repeat it again, pray." + +"You seem to find it like having a tooth drawn. Well! I am sworn to +secrecy. I won't tell a living creature." + +"I am sure I know hardly anything, only that Lord Marchmont thinks very +badly of him, and was quite sorry he had been asked to dinner. And he +spoke of his having taken up Germanism, and oh! Caroline, for a man's +faith to be unsettled is the worst of all, for then there is nothing to +fall back upon." + +Caroline stood by Marian's fire, looking thoughtful for some moments. +"Yes," she said, "you and Walter are in the same mind there, but it is +not like what I was brought up to think. Miss Cameron used to teach us +that the being in earnest in believing was the thing rather than the +form of faith." + +"O, Caroline, that cannot be right. We have been commanded to hold one +form of faith, and it must be wrong to set up another and hold it." + +"Yes, but if people are not clear that only one was given to every one, +and that just as we say it is?" + +"Then it is very bad of them!" said Marian indignantly, "for I am sure +the Bible is quite clear--one faith--the form of sound words--the faith +once delivered to the saints." + +"I am quite clear about it," said Caroline. + +"O, of course," said Marian, looking at her with a sort of alarm at her +speaking of the possibility as regarded herself of not being clear. + +"But if people are not clear, what are they to do?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, quickly; "only I hope I shall never have +anything to do with such people; I can't judge for them; I had rather +not think about them; it is of no use." + +"Of no use--what, not if you could do such a person good?" + +"Only in this way," said Marian, taking up her Prayer Book, and turning +to the Collect for Good Friday. + +"Yes, but trying to convince?" + +"I should be afraid." + +"Afraid! Marian, I am sure nothing could hurt your faith." + +"I would not try," said Marian, shaking her head sadly. + +"But at that rate no one ever would be converted?" + +"You forget that there are clergymen." + +"Yes, but other people have done good." + +"O yes, but not women by arguing. O no, no, Caroline, we never ought to +put our weakness forward, as if it could guard the truth. You know the +wrong side may find stronger arguments than we are able to do--mind I +don't say than can be found--of course truth is the strongest of all, +but we may be overpowered, though the truth is not. We women should not +stand out to argue for the truth any more than we should stand out to +fight as champions in the right cause." + +"And is this the reason you never would argue?" + +"I don't know--I mean no, it was only because I had nothing to say; I +knew when a thing was right, but could not tell why, and the more you +asked, the more I did not know." + +"And do you know now?" + +"Sometimes," said Marian, "not often, but Mr. Wortley taught me some +things, and one grows up to others. But I could never explain even when +I know." + +"For instance--" said Caroline, laughing. + +"O that came, I don't know how. Have I said so much?" + +"A great deal that is very nice. Good night, Marian." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + "She seemed some nymph in her sedan, + Apparelled in exactest sort, + And ready to be borne to court." + + COWPER. + + +Mr. Faulkner came at the time appointed, and Caroline, who had kept +Marian's counsel, according to promise, was very curious to see how they +would behave towards each other. As to Marian, she was just what might +be expected,--more cold, distant, and stately than she had ever been to +the most vulgar of Mrs. Lyddell's acquaintance. She gave a chilling bend +to repel his attempt at shaking hands, made replies of the shortest when +he tried to talk to her, and would not look up, or put on the slightest +air of interest, at all the entertaining stories he was telling at +dinner. + +The others were all extremely pleased with him. Elliot had never before +brought home so agreeable a friend; a person who could talk of anything +but hunting and racing was a new thing among his acquaintance, and +every one was loud in his praise. Caroline, from having been prejudiced +against him by Marian's history, was more surprised than the others: +and scolded Marian, in the evening, for not having told them how very +agreeable he was. + +"I never can think any one agreeable when I know there is hollowness +within," said Marian. + +"I suppose Lord Marchmont knows," said Caroline, in a tone of annoyance +and of a little doubt; and there the conversation ended. + +Few people were ever more agreeable than Mr. Faulkner. He had read +everything, travelled everywhere, and was full of conversation suited to +every one. If Marain had not heard Lord Marchmont's account of him, she +must have liked him; but knowing what she did, she could and would not: +looking at him something as Madame Cottin's Matilde first looked at +Malek Adel, and not suffering herself to lose any of her horror. For the +first day or two her frigidity was something wonderful, as she found +him inclined to make attempts to cultivate her acquaintance; but she +thoroughly succeeded in repelling him. He left off trying to talk to +her; and one day when they were obliged to go in to dinner together, +only exchanged the fewest and most formal of words with her, and +positively neglected her for his other neighbour. + +After this, Marian did not quite so much overdo her stateliness. She +could afford to be like herself with the others, even when he was in the +room, though she never voluntarily took part in a conversation in +which he was engaged, and her coldest air came over her whenever he +approached. And it was well for her she could be so; for he stayed more +than a fortnight, decided on buying the estate of High Down, and was +asked to come again and make his head-quarters at Oakworthy, while +superintending the alterations. All were sorry when he went; even the +boys, whose first holiday week had been rendered very agreeable by his +good nature. Johnny and Gerald vied with each other in his praise, +heaping together a droll medley of schoolboy panegyrics; and Marian, not +wishing to tell them of her objections, allowed that he had been very +kind to them. + +The Christmas holidays passed, and left no change in the impression on +her mind regarding Gerald; only she heard no news of her two sovereigns, +and he did not so much as give her the opportunity of speaking to him +alone. The heartache was growing worse than ever, and she was beginning +to have a sort of desperate feeling that she would--she would--do she +knew not what--write to Mr. Wortley--write more strongly to Gerald than +she had ever yet dared to do--when one morning, a foreign looking letter +arrived, in handwriting she knew full well, though it had never before +been addressed to herself. There was company staying in the house, and +Marian was not sorry it was impossible to read it at the breakfast +table. She did not know what she was eating or what she was saying, and +ran away with it as soon as she could, to enjoy it in her own room. A +letter from Edmund! Could it be possible, or could it--O disappointing +thought!--be only some enclosure for her to forward. In alarm at the +idea, she tore it open. A long letter, and quite certainly to herself; +for there stood the three welcome words, "My dear Marian." She glanced +hastily down the first page, to make sure that there was nothing the +matter; but no, it was all right--he wrote in his own lively style. He +began by saying it was so long since he had heard from England, that he +was growing afraid he was forgotten, and felt very small when the post +came in, and brought something for every one but him; and he was going +to try a fresh person, since he was growing desperate, and had sent +appeals in vain to all his correspondents. He asked many questions about +home friends, and about Marian herself; and then told much to +interest her about his own doings, his way of living, and his hunting +expeditions, with all the strange wild beasts with which they had made +him acquainted, and he concluded thus:--"I hope you will write soon, and +that you will be able to give me a flourishing account of Gerald. His +silence may mean nothing, but it may also mean so much, that to hear +he is going on particularly well would be double satisfaction just +at present. Therefore with a view to what passed in our last walk at +Oakworthy, tell me if you are completely satisfied with regard to him." + +It was a ray of light upon all Marian's perplexities; showing her what +course to take, and filling her with hope. Her confidence in Edmund's +power of setting everything right was still unchanged, and when Gerald's +case was fully before him, he would know how to judge, and what to do; +it would all be safe and off her mind. She felt sure that this had been +the very reason of his writing; and full of gratitude, and infinitely +relieved, she opened her desk, as if to answer was the easiest and most +comfortable thing in the world. + +She did not, however, get on quite as fast as she expected; she dreaded +equally the saying too much, or too little,--the giving Edmund actually +a bad impression of her poor Gerald, or letting him think that there was +no cause for anxiety. Then she thought the best way would be merely to +give the facts, and let him draw his own conclusions; but these facts +were in themselves trifles light as air, and it seemed unkind to send +them across half the world. She left off trying to write, and resolved +to give herself time for consideration; but time only made her more +perplexed. She waited a week, wrote at last, and as soon as her letter +was fairly gone, thought of forty different ways of saying the thing +better and more justly, dwelt again and again on each line that could +convoy a false impression one way or the other, and reproached herself +by turns for having spoken disadvantageously of her dear affectionate +brother, and for not having let her cousin fairly see the full extent of +the mischief. On the whole, however, she was much happier now that it +was all in Edmund's hands; so much so, that when Mr. Faulkner came +again, she could not be quite so stiff; and being entirely relieved +from the fear of his taking notice of her, could do him the favour of +laughing when he told anything amusing. + +Winter and early spring came and went; the Easter holidays brought +Gerald home, and she tried again in vain to get him to write to Edmund; +but she could bear it better now that she had hopes. + +They went to London, and Marian was carried into the midst of all the +gaieties supposed to befit her age and situation. Mrs. Lyddell would +have thought herself very far from "doing her justice," if she had +not taken her to all the balls and parties in her way; and Marian was +obliged to submit, and get into the carriage, when she had much rather +have gone to bed. + +She put off the expectation of much enjoyment till Lady Marchmont should +come, and her arrival took place unusually late that season. She had +not been well, and little Willie had been somewhat ailing; so that the +bringing him into London air was put off as long as possible. It was not +till the latter part of May that she came, as she had always promised to +do, in time for Marian's presentation at court, on which both she and +Mrs. Lyddell were bent; and Marian ready to endure it, by the help of a +few romantic thoughts of loyalty. The day after Lady Marchmont arrived, +she called at Mrs. Lyddell's and came in, as she generally did once in +a year. After her visit was over, she asked Marian to come and take a +drive, and no sooner where they in the carriage, than she exclaimed, "A +nice looking girl, that Miss Lyddell! Is she the one who is to marry Mr. +Faulkner?" + +"O, Selina! how could you have heard such nonsense?" + +"What, is it to be denied? It is not settled, then?" + +"No, nor ever will be." + +"Why, surely the man has been spending months at Oakworthy." + +"Only weeks; besides, he was buying a house." + +"A very proper preliminary to a wife." + +"O, no, no it is impossible!" + +"But why? Perhaps you know some good reason to the contrary; for I heard +he admired you very much when he met you last year." + +"Don't say such things, Selina. How could you fancy it possible, after +all the horrid things Lord Marchmont said of him!" + +"What is impossible, my dear? That he should think you very handsome?" + +"Don't, Selina, pray don't! That any body good for any thing should ever +marry him!" + +"Any body good for any thing!" repeated Selina. "Well, granted,--and +it is a considerable grant,--does that make the supposition out of the +question?" + +"Yes, as regards Caroline. O, Selina! you do not know Caroline, or you +would not look so incredulous!" + +"Time will show," said Lady Marchmont, gaily. "I reserve to myself the +satisfaction of having known it beforehand." + +"It never will be," said Marian. "And how is little Willie?" + +"Very well, poor little man, if he would only grow, but he is so small, +that I am fairly ashamed to show such a hop-o'-my-thumb. But he is +coming out quite a genius; he reads as well as I do, and makes the +wisest speeches." + +And the history of his wise speeches occupied them for some time, with +other matters, until just as their drive was nearly concluded, Selina +exclaimed, "But all this time I have never asked you if you can throw +any light on this extraordinary step of Edmund Arundel's?" + +"What do you mean?" cried Marian. + +"Have you not heard that he has exchanged, and is coming home? The most +foolish thing,--just as he might have been sure of promotion. It is not +likely to be health, for the climate agreed very well with him." + +"Yes," assented Marian, wrapt in her own thoughts; "but did he write to +you?" + +"Not a word; we only saw it in the Gazette, and Lord Marchmont would +hardly believe it could be he; but it was but too plain,--Lieutenant +Edmund Gerald Arundel. It is very strange; he was not wont to do foolish +things." + +"No," said Marian, mechanically. + +"And you know nothing about it? You know him better than we do. Ho +seemed the very man for the Colonies, with no ties at home, unless--no, +it is impossible--unless there could be a lady in the case." + +"O, no!" replied Marian colouring so much at the secret consciousness of +his motive, that Selina laughed, saying, "I could almost suspect you, in +spite of your demureness, of being the very lady. However, I am glad you +think there is no truth in my surmise, for he could not do a more absurd +thing than marry. Only when a man gives up all his prospects in this +way, there is nothing too preposterous to be expected to come next." + +By this time they were at Mrs. Lyddell's door, and Marian gladly +escaped, feeling stunned at the effect her letter had produced. How +noble, how kind, how generous, how self-devoted Edmund was! this was the +prominent thought. She knew him to be very fond and very proud of his +regiment, to be much attached to several of his brother officers, and to +have given them more of his affection than persons with home interests +generally do; indeed, they had served him instead of home. All his +success in life, and his hopes of promotion, given up too,--sacrifices +which she could not estimate; and it was she who had caused them. She +had thoughtlessly led him to do himself all this injury, out of his +kindness and affection, and his sense of duty towards her and her +brother. She was very unhappy when she thought of this; then came the +bright ray of joy and relief in hope and confidence for Gerald,--Gerald +saved, saved from corruption, ruin, from being like Elliot, from +breaking her heart, made all that his father and mother would have made +him, her pride, her delight, the glory and honour of Fern Torr,--O, +joy, joy! And the mere seeing Edmund again,--joy, joy! Yes, the joy far +predominated over the pain and regret; indeed, be the injury to himself +what it might, who could be sorry that he had acted so nobly? Yes, +Marian was happy; her eyes were bright, her smile frequent; she laughed +with Clara, she romped with little Willie Marchmont, she was ungracious +to none but Mr. Faulkner who came to the house so much, that she began +to fear that Caroline might have the annoyance of an offer from him, +more especially since he had made his mother and sister call on Mrs. +Lyddell, and Miss Faulkner seemed to intend to be intimate. + +The day of the drawing-room had come; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline were +going, and Marian was of course to go with Lady Marchmont. She had just +been full dressed, and had come down stairs to wait for Lady Marchmont's +carriage, when a step was heard approaching. She thought it was the +servant, to announce it; it was the servant, but the announcement was +not what she expected. It was "Mr. Arundel,"--and Edmund stood before +her, browner, thinner, older, but still Edmund himself. + +She could not have spoken; she only held out her hand, and returned his +strong pressure with all the force her soft fingers were capable of. +Mrs. Lyddell spoke, he answered, explanations were given and received, +and still she stood as if she was dreaming, until he turned to her, and +said, "Well, Marian, these are transformations indeed?" + +"I can't help it," said Marian. + +"Do you think I want you to help it? I suppose I need not ask if the +Marchmonts are in town?" + +"Lady Marchmont presents Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell; "we expect her +carriage every minute." + +And just then the announcement really came. + +"Her carriage, not herself?" said Edmund. "Well, I think I might go +with you to her house, Marian, if your feathers are not ashamed of such +shabby company." + +"O, pray come!" + +"And you will return to dinner, I hope, Mr. Arundel," said Mrs. Lyddell, +"at half-past seven? Mr. Lyddell will be so glad to see you." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, and the two cousins went down stairs +together. As soon as they were in the carriage, Edmund said, "A lucky +moment to come in. It is something to have seen you in all your +splendour. You have grown into something magnificent!" + +"All this finery makes me look taller than I really am." + +"Nevertheless, however you may try to conceal it, I am afraid you have +turned into the full grown cat. I saw it in your letter." + +"O, Edmund, I am so sorry I wrote that letter." + +"Why? Are you happier about Gerald?" + +"No, I don't know that I am," said Marian, sighing; "but--but I little +thought it would make so much difference to you. I did not know what I +was doing." + +"I am glad of it, or you would not have written so freely; though after +all you could not have helped being like a sensible straightforward +person." + +"O, it is untold relief that you are come; and yet I must be sorry--" + +"I won't have you sorry. No one should regret having told the honest +truth. The fact is, I ought never to have gone. And poor Gerald?" + +"I have no more to say, only vague fears. But now you are come, it is +all right." + +"Don't trust too much to me, Marian. Remember, it will be a generous +thing in Gerald if he attends to me at all. He is not obliged to do so." + +"You will--you must do everything. Gerald is as fond of you as ever, I +know he is, though he would not write. O, I am glad! You heard of our +delightful going home, I hope?" + +"Yes. All well there?" said Edmund, hurriedly. + +"Very well. Agnes is grown so tall, and it is so very nice there. The +old Manor house--" + +"Well," he broke in suddenly; "and how do you get on with Selina +Marchmont." + +"She is very, very kind. But O! here we are in her street, and I shall +have no more of you to-day." + +"Not at dinner?" + +"O; it is a great, horrid party, as Mrs. Lyddell should have warned +you." + +"Could not I take you in to dinner?" + +"I am afraid not. Mrs. Lyddell will never treat me as if I was at home, +and I am afraid there is an honourable man that I must be bestowed on." + +They had reached Lady Marchmont's door, and going up stairs, found her +looking like a princess in a fairy tale, in her white plumes and her +diamonds; and Willie, the smallest, most delicate, and prettiest of +little boys, admiring the splendours of his papa's yeomanry uniform. + +In spite of being considerably provoked with Edmund for having come +home, Lord and Lady Marchmont welcomed him with as much warmth as if +it was the most prudent thing he could have done. They insisted on his +coming to stay at their house, and as it was full time to set off, left +him to see about his worldly goods being transported thither. + +"Has he told you his reason, Marian?" asked Selina, as soon as the two +ladies and their trains were safely disposed of, in the carriage. + +"I know them," said Marian, her colour rising, "and most noble they are; +but I had rather let him tell you himself." + +"Marian's discretion again," said Lord Marchmont, smiling. + +"Only set me at rest on one point," said Selina; "it is no love affair, +I hope?" + +"No, indeed," said Marian; "or do you think he would have told me?" + +Probably there were few young ladies who played their part that day in +the drawing-room, that last remnant of the ancient state and majesty of +our courts, with happier minds, or less intent on their own appearance, +than Marian Arundel. She was very glad when the bustle and crowd were +over, and she could be alone to enjoy the certainty that Edmund was +really at home again. + +He came according to promise that evening, but she could not have much +conversation with him, as he was placed at a distance from her, the +greater part of the time. He was not sorry to be thus able to watch her, +though he did not see her in the point of view in which she pleased him +best. She looked better now, he thought, than in the court dress; for +the broad, simple, antique braids of her dark hair, only adorned by two +large pearl pins, suited better than the plumes and lappets, with the +cast of her classical features. All that he had thought promised +beauty, as a child, had fulfilled the promise, and the countenance, the +expression, would have been fine, seen on a much plainer face, and as +she eat there, her black, shady eyes cast down, her dark pencilled +eyebrows contrasting with her colourless cheek, and her plain white +drapery in full folds, flowing round her, she might have been some +majestic lady in a mysterious picture, who had stepped from her frame +into a scene belonging to another age. She looked as if she was acting a +tableau; she moved, indeed, and smiled, and spoke occasionally; but the +queen-like deportment of her neck did not relax; her lips resumed their +statue-like expression; there was no smile about the eye, no interest +in the air. She was among the company, but not of them; neither shy nor +formal, but as if she belonged to some other sphere, and had only come +there by mistake. Edmund could have counted the times, for they were +few enough, when her head bent forward with eagerness, and there was +animation in her face. + +How different from Caroline! her brightly coloured, blooming face +sparkling with life and light; flowers among her light, shining hair; +her dress of well-chosen, tasteful, brilliant tints, ornament, lace +and ribbon, all well assorted in kind and quantity, her alert, lively +movements carrying her from one group to another, with something +pleasant and appropriate to say to all, bringing smiles and animation +with her wherever she went. Not that Edmund did not prefer his cousin's +severe simplicity, and admire it as something grand; but that stern +grandeur was not all that fitted the place; and though he thought her +beautiful, he was not satisfied. + +Edmund had some talk with Mrs. Lyddell, who spoke of Gerald with great +warmth; more, he thought, than she showed in the mention of Marian. He +stayed till the last, and saw the relaxation of her grand company-face, +before he wished them good night. + +"Well," said Mrs. Lyddell, as the door closed behind him, and she +lighted her candle, "Africa has not robbed Mr. Arundel of all his good +looks. How old is he?" + +"Nearly twenty-eight," said Marian. + +"I am always forgetting that he is so young," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Well, +good night. I wonder what brought him home?" + +"I do not wonder, for it is plain enough," said Caroline, as the girls +turned up their own staircase. + +"Marian tries to look innocent," said Clara, laughing violently. + +"I am sure I don't understand," said Marian. + +"Now I am sure that is on purpose to make us explain," said Clara. "It +is too bad, Marian; when he came straight to you, instead of going to +Lady Marchmont." + +"And the tête-à-tête in the carriage," said Caroline. + +"Don't be so ridiculous," said Marian; "but I believe you like such +jokes so well, that you would make them out of anything." + +"I don't make a joke of it at all. I always thought it was with that +very view, he was made your guardian." + +"You very absurd persons, good night!" said Marian, shutting her door, +and laughing to herself at such a very ludicrous idea as such a scheme +on the part of her father. + +These kind of jokes, of which some people are still very fond, may be +very hurtful, since a young girl's inexperience may found far more upon +them than the laughers ever intended. Caroline and Clara were not acting +a kind part, though they were far from any unkind meaning. Marian had +great susceptibility and deep affections; and had her mind been less +strong, her happiness might have been seriously injured. Even if their +observations had no real meaning, and no effect on her heart, yet they +could not fail to occasion her many moments of embarrassment, and might +interfere with her full, free confidence in her best and earliest +friend. + +In some degree they had this result. Marian began to be aware that her +situation with Edmund was not without awkwardness,--that he was still +a young man, and that she was now a young woman; and whilst shocked +at herself, and disliking the moment that had opened the door to the +thought, was obliged to consider how far there might be truth in the +suggestion. + +She was quite sure that she had influenced him strongly, quite sure that +he regarded her with warm affection; she wished she was equally sure it +was with a brother's love. Yes, she wished, for to think otherwise would +lower him in her estimation. He was her first cousin, and if first +cousins had better not marry he would never think of it; besides, the +merit of his sacrificing all for Gerald's good would be lost, and +his return would have been an act of self-gratification instead of +self-devotion. No, she would not, could not believe any such thing; she +was certain Edmund never would be so weak as to wish to do anything only +doubtfully right, and thus, strangely enough, her full trust in the +dignity of his character, prevented her from imagining him in love with +her. + +Still she knew her cousins were watching her, and this prevented her +from ever meeting him in thorough comfort at Mr. Lyddell's; and even +when at Lord Marchmont's, her maidenly reserve had been so far awakened +as to make her shrink back from the full freedom of their former +intercourse. This, however, was more in her feeling than in her manners, +which, if they differed at all from what they were formerly, only seemed +to be what naturally arose from her growth in years. + +She observed that he was not in good spirits. It was not what others, +not even Selina, could perceive, but Edmund and Marian had known each +other too well and too long, not to read each other's faces, and know +the meaning of each other's tones. She did not expect him to be as merry +as in olden days at home, nor did she desire it; but there was more +depression about him than she thought comfortable, and she was sure that +it was an effort to him to talk in the lively way that had once been +natural to him. She was afraid he felt the separation from his friends +in his old regiment very severely, or else that he was very anxious +about Gerald, and yet she had found out that the tenderest point of all +was Fern Torr, for he either would not or could not speak of that, but +always contrived to turn the conversation as soon as it was touched +upon. She grieved over his unhappiness a great deal, and yet would not +enter on any questioning, from an innate feeling, that it would not +be becoming. He was only to stay a very short time in London, before +joining his regiment at Portsmouth, and he meant to go and spend a day +at Eton to see Gerald, but Lady Marchmont suddenly proposed that they +should all go together; she said she must inspect Eton before Master +Willie was ready to go, and that it would be a charming scheme to take +Marian and surprise Gerald. Marian had a few secret doubts whether this +was exactly the most suitable way of fulfilling Edmund's intentions, +but it was so delightful a treat that she laid aside her scruples, and +Selina coaxed her husband into finding a day to accompany them. + +So one fine June morning, the day before Edmund's departure, they set +off, Selina's high spirits and Marian's happiness giving the party a +very joyous aspect. Father Thames looked as stately and silvery as ever, +the playing fields smiled in the sunshine, and Windsor Castle looked +down on them majestically. Marian felt it a holiday to have escaped from +London into so fair a scene, and even if she had come for nothing else, +would have been happy in beholding some of the most honoured spots in +the broad realm of England. + +She had many questions to ask, but Lord Marchmont was taken up with +showing his old haunts to his wife, and she was walking some distance in +front, with Edmund, on whose face there was an expression of melancholy +thought that she would not disturb. He was an Etonian, and how fall of +remembrances must all be around him. + +Presently two or three boys met them running, and were passing them, +when Marion exclaimed, "There is Lionel!" "Lyddell!" called Edmund, and +one of them stopped, so taken by surprise that Marian was for a moment +horrified by thinking she had mistaken him; but the next glance +re-assured her, for she knew Lionel's way of standing, and his hat +pulled far over his forehead. + +"Lionel," said she, "where is Gerald?" + +"Hallo! You here!" said he, wheeling round so that the light might not +be in his eyes, and shading them with one hand while he tried to make +out Edmund, and gave his other hand to Marian. + +"How did you come here? Are any of the people at home here?" + +"No, this is my cousin Edmund. I am come with the Marchmonts." + +"You have quite forgotten me," said Edmund, shaking hands. + +"Not if I could see you," said Lionel, frowning at the light, as he +looked up. + +"O, Lionel, how bad your eyes are!" exclaimed Marion. + +"I have just been reading, and there is such a _hideous_ sunshine +to-day," said Lionel. + +"And where is Gerald?" + +"I'll go and fetch him." + +"Where is he?" + +"I'll find him," and off he ran, with a fresh pull of his hat over his +forehead to keep off the hideous sunshine. The Marchmonts came up at the +moment, and were told who he was, and that he was gone to find Gerald. +Edmund asked what was the matter with his eyes. + +"They are never very good," said Marian. "Reading and strong light +always hurt them." + +"Has he had any advice?" + +"The surgeon at Oakworthy looked at them last Christmas, when the snow +dazzled them, but he did not think there was much amiss with them. It +was always so. But where can Gerald be?" + +In the space of about five minutes, Gerald and Lionel appeared, and the +former came up to them alone, with a look which had more of shyness than +of pleasure, and his greeting, while more courteous, was less open and +cordial than Lionel's had been. They all went together to the house of +the boys' tutor, who had also been Edmund's; there was a great maze of +talking and introductions: Lady Marchmont made herself very charming to +the mistress of the house: Edmund and the tutor disappeared together, +and did not come back till the others had nearly finished a most +hospitable luncheon; after which the visitors set out to see all that +there was time to see, and Marian caused Gerald to fetch Lionel to +accompany them. + +Lionel walked with Edmund and Marian, but Gerald on the other hand +attached himself to Lord and Lady Marchmont, talking to them freely and +pleasantly, answering Selina's questions, much to her amusement and +satisfaction, and Lord Marchmont comparing notes with him, as old +Etonians delight to do with "the sprightly race, disporting" for the +time being, on the "margen green" of Father Thames. A particularly +lively, pleasant, entertaining, well-mannered boy was Gerald, but, all +the time, Marian was feeling that he was holding aloof both from her and +Edmund, never allowing either of them the opportunity of speaking to him +alone, for even a minute; and his manner, whenever Edmund either spoke +to him or looked at him, was such as to betray to her that he was ill at +ease. + +Thus it was while they viewed the chapel, the court, with what Selina +was pleased to call "Henry's holy shade," the upper school, the hundred +steps, the terrace, and beautiful S. George's, with its gorgeous banners +and carved stalls, and blazoned shields, that glimpse into the Gothic +world of chivalry and romance; and in the midst of it that simple flat +stone, which thrills the heart with a deep feeling at once of love, +sorrow and reverence; that stone which recalls the desolate night which, +in darkness and ruin, amid torn banners, and scutcheons riven, saw the +Martyr king go white to his grave. Marian entered into all these things, +in spite of her anxiety, for her mind was free enough to be open to +external objects, now that her brother was in Edmund's hands, and she +was relieved of that burthen of responsibility which had so pressed on +her. + +Such was their Eton day, and with no more satisfaction from Gerald did +they part at the Slough station. The Marchmonts were loud in his praise, +Marian sought the real opinion in Edmund's eyes, but he was leaning +back, looking meditative, and when first he roused himself to enter into +conversation, it was of Lionel and not of Gerald that he spoke. + +"Do you say that any one has looked at that boy's eyes?" + +"Yes, Mr. Wells, the Oakworthy apothecary." + +"Do you know what is thought of him?" + +"I don't know," said Marian considering. "He attends a good many people, +I believe he is thought well of; but no one ever is ill at home, so I +have no experience of him. Yes, he was called in once when we all had +the measles, and last winter about Lionel's eyes. I am sure I don't know +whether he is what you would call a good doctor or not; all I know is, +that he is not at all like Dr. Oldham." + +Edmund smiled. "Has Mrs. Lyddell not been uneasy?" + +"O no!" said Marian. "No one ever troubles their head about Lionel, +besides it was always so." + +"Always how?" + +"His eyes were always weak, and easily tired and dazzled, from the very +first when I knew him. They don't look as if there was anything amiss +with them, and so people don't suspect it." + +"I think they do look very much amiss," said Edmund. "Do not you observe +an indistinctness about the pupil, between it and the iris? Can you tell +whether that was always the case?" + +"I don't know, I see what you mean. I should say it had begun of late. +Do you think it so bad a sign?" she asked anxiously. + +"I am not sure; I only know if he belonged to me, I should not like it +at all." + +Marian pondered and feared, and considered if it would be possible +to stir up Mrs. Lyddell; she herself was much startled, and rather +indignant; but she doubted greatly whether poor Lionel was of sufficient +importance in the family for any one to be very anxious on his account. +In the meantime, she was extremely desirous of hearing what account +Edmund had received from the tutor respecting her brother, but she had +no opportunity till late in the evening, when he came and sat by her on +the sofa, saying, "Now, Marian, I will answer your anxious eyes, though +I am afraid I have nothing very satisfactory to tell you. I don't know +that there is any positive harm--it is only the old story of a clever +boy with too much money, and too much left to himself. Idleness and +thoughtlessness." + +"And what shall you do?" + +"I don't know--I must think." + +Whereupon they both sat silent. + +"I shall see you again in the summer," said he. + +"O yes--perhaps you will come in Gerald's holidays." + +Another silence, then she said, "Do you think very badly of poor +Lionel's eyes?" + +"No, I don't say that, for I know nothing, only I wonder his family are +not more anxious." + +"I shall see if Mrs. Lyddell will believe there is cause for alarm." + +The carriage was announced, she wished him good-bye again, thanked her +cousins for her pleasant day, and departed, wondering to herself how it +could have been a pleasant day, as after all it had been, in spite of +doubt and anxiety and care. + +She told Mrs. Lyddell when she came in, that she had seen Lionel. + +"How were his eyes?" asked Caroline. + +"I am afraid they were more dazzled than usual." + +No one said anything, and after a pause she went on. "Edmund remarked +a sort of indistinctness about the pupil, which he said was not a good +sign." + +"What was that?" said Mr. Lyddell looking up, and Marian, startled, yet +glad to have attracted his notice, repeated what she had said. "Did not +Wells look at his eyes last winter?" he said, turning to his wife. + +"Yes, he said he could not see anything the matter with them--they must +be spared--and he sent a mixture to bathe them. Lionel has been using it +continually." + +"How would it be to have him up here to see some one?" said Mr. Lyddell. + +"Better wait for the holidays," answered his wife. "It would be the +worst thing possible to set him thinking, about his eyes in the middle +of the half-year. Little as he does now, it would soon be less, and his +eyes have kept him back so much already that he really cannot afford to +lose any more time." + +There it ended, Mrs. Lyddell was not to be alarmed; she had been too +long used to prosperity even to contemplate the possibility that harm +should come nigh to her or to her dwelling. Mr. Lyddell, who left all +family matters to her, forgot all about it, and though Marian talked +Caroline into some fears on the subject, Caroline could do no more than +she could herself. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + "_Benedict_. What, my dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?" + + "_Beatrice_. Is it possible Disdain should die while she has such + meet food to feed her?" + + _Much Ado about Nothing._ + + +The Lyddell family did not continue in London much longer; it had been a +short season, and though the session of Parliament was not over, most +of the ladies were taking flight into the country, before the end of +June,--Mrs. Lyddell among the rest,--and her husband went backwards and +forwards to London, as occasion called him. + +The girls were glad to get into the country, but Marian soon found that +she had not escaped either from gaieties, or from the objects of her +aversion; for Mr. Faulkner brought his mother and sisters to High Down +House, gave numerous parties there, and made a constant interchange of +civilities with the family at Oakworthy. Archery was pretty much the +fashion with the young ladies that year; it was a sport which Marian +liked particularly, having often practised it with Edmund and Agnes, and +her bow and arrows were always the first to be ready. + +One day when Marian, Caroline, and Clara were shooting on the lawn at +Oakworthy, Mr. and Miss Faulkner rode from High Down, came out on the +lawn, and joined them. From that moment, any one could see the change +that came over Marian. Instead of laughing and talking, teaching Clara, +and paying only half attention to her own shooting, she now went on as +if it was her sole object, and as if she had no other purpose in life. +She fixed her arrows and twanged her string with a rigidity as if the +target had been a deadly enemy, or her whole fate was concentrated in +hitting the bull's eye; and when her arrows went straight to the mark, +or at least much straighter than those of any one else, she never +turned her head, or vouchsafed more than the briefest answer to the +exclamations around. + +The others were talking of archery in general and in particular,--just +what, if it had not been Mr. Faulkner, would have delighted her; but +she would not hear him. He might speak of the English long-bow, and +the cloth yard-shaft, and the butts at which Elizabeth shot, and the +dexterity required for hitting a deer, and of the long arrow of the +Indian, and the Wourali reed of South America,--as long as he spoke it +was nothing to her, let Caroline smile and answer, and appeal to her as +much she would. Then came a talk about archery meetings and parties, in +which at last they all grew so eager, that they stood still round the +return target, and Marian could not shoot back again without perilling +them; so she unstrung her bow, and stood apart with a stern face, which +made her look a great deal more like Diana, than she by any means +suspected or desired. + +Two days after, there came a note from Miss Faulkner,--Julia, as she had +requested to be called,--saying that her brother was so delighted with +the archery schemes that had been discussed, that he could not give them +up, and intended to give a grand fête at High Down,--archery in the +morning, a ball in the evening, and all the ladies who liked, to be in +costume. She ended by begging Caroline to come to luncheon that day, or +the next, to enter into council on the subject. There was great delight; +such an entertainment was quite a novelty in the neighbourhood, and the +costume seemed to make it all the more charming in the eyes of Caroline, +Clara, and their mother; all were talking at once, and wondering what it +could or should be, while Marian went on reading imperturbably without +one remark. + +"It ought to be in Robin Hood's time, if only for the sake of Maid +Marian," said Caroline. "She will be quite sure to win the prize." + +"O yes, that she will," said Clara; "she shoots so much better than any +one else." + +"I shall not shoot in public," said Marian, looking up for a moment, and +then going on with her book. + +"You will do nothing to make yourself particular," said Mrs. Lyddell: +"it will be very silly to set your face against this fête, when every +one knows how fond you are of archery." + +"We don't know anything yet about what is to be," said Caroline, +quickly; and at that moment Elliot, coming in, offered to ride with her +to High Down, whereupon she hastened to get ready. Such an obliging +offer from her brother was certainly too uncommon a thing to be +neglected, in spite of the unwonted graciousness and amiability which +Elliot had for the last few weeks assumed towards her. + +When she was gone, Marian and Clara resumed their ordinary occupations, +and one of them at least troubled herself no more about the fête, until, +shortly before dinner time, Elliot, Caroline, and Mr. Faulkner all rode +up to the front door. Mr. Faulkner, it appeared, was come to dinner, and +to carry on the consultation, since he was extremely eager about the +scheme, and no time was to be lost in sending out the invitations. +The Sherwood Forest plan had been talked over, and abandoned as too +common-place. It was to be a Kenilworth fête; eight young ladies of Lady +Julia's especial party were to appear in the morning in a pretty uniform +dress, a little subdued from the days of the ruff and farthingale; and +in the evening there was to be a regular Kenilworth quadrille, in which +each lady or gentleman was to assume the dress of some character of +Queen Elizabeth's court. In fact, as Mr. Faulkner said;-- + + "Gorgeous dames and statesmen bold + In bearded majesty appear." + +Amy Robsart, Katherine Seymour, Anne Clifford, Frances Walsingham, +Mildred Cecil, and other ladies of the time were mentioned, and then +came the counting up of their eight living representatives,--the two +Misses Faulkner, Caroline, yes, and Clara herself, who started and +danced with ecstasy, then glanced entreatingly at her mother, who looked +doubtful; Marian, two cousins of the Faulkners, who were always ready +for anything, and a Miss Mordaunt, were reckoned up, and their dresses +quickly discussed; but all the time Marian said not a word. She was +thinking of the waste of time and consideration, the folly, levity +and vanity, the throwing away of money, all this would occasion, and +enjoying in her own mind the pleasure of resisting it _in toto_. She +supposed she must go to the archery meeting, though why people could +not be contented to shoot on their own lawns, instead of spoiling their +pleasure by all this fuss, she could not guess; but make a show of +herself and her shooting, be stared at by all the world,--that she would +never do. Nor would she make a figure of herself at the ball, and spend +the money which she wanted very much for her poor people and her +books, now that her court dress and London finery had eaten up such an +unconscionable share of her allowance. Increased as it was, she had +never felt so poor as at present; she wanted Mrs. Jameson's "Sacred and +Legendary Art" for herself, and there were all the presents to be sent +to the old people at Fern Torr; and should these be given up for the +sake of appearing as the fair Anne Clifford, or some such person, for +one evening, during which she would be feeling most especially unnatural +and uncomfortable? No indeed! and she trusted that she had a very good +and sufficient defence against all such foolery, in the slight mourning +which she was wearing for one of the Marchmont connection. True, she had +thought of leaving it off next Sunday, but no matter; it would be such +armour as was not to be lightly parted with; and if she went to the ball +at all, it should never, never be as the heiress of the Cliffords, but +as the faithful mourning relation of old Mr. Thomas Marchmont, her +second cousin once removed, whom she had never beheld in her life, and +who would have been dead at least nine weeks by the time it took place. + +She said nothing about it in the drawing-room; but when they went up +stairs, she told Caroline not to reckon upon her, for she should be in +mourning, and could not wear a fancy dress. Caroline looked much vexed. +"It was a great pity," she said, "and Julia Faulkner wished it to be +all their own set. Besides, would not Marian shoot,--she who did it so +well?" + +"O, no, no, I could do no such thing with all those people staring." + +"Not even for a silver arrow? You would be sure to win it." + +"I should be ashamed of the very sight of it ever after. O no! I should +like--at least I should not mind seeing it all as a spectator, but as to +making a part of the show, never, never, Caroline!" + +"Well, I know it is of no use to try to persuade you!" said Caroline, +with a little annoyance in her tone. "Good night." + +Lady Julia, with her son and daughter, came to call the next day. Marian +thought herself fortunate in not being in the drawing-room. She put on +her bonnet, slipped out at the garden door, and walked away with a book +in her hand, to the remotest regions of the park, where she sat down +under a thorn-tree, and read Schiller's Thirty Years' War with a sort of +exemplary diligence and philosophy, till it was so late that she thought +herself perfectly secure of the Faulkners' being gone. Yet she only just +missed them, for their carriage was driving off at one door, as she +reached the other. + +"Where have you been, Marian?" was the first greeting. + +"I have been walking to the old thorn." + +"O, have you? We hunted for you everywhere in the house: we would hardly +believe Fanny when she said you were gone out, for I knew you meant to +walk with us." + +"I thought you would be engaged so long that it was not worth while to +wait for you." + +"Well, but did you know you had missed the Faulkners?" said Clara. + +"I knew they were here." + +Every one understood this except Clara, and very little did it please +Mrs. Lyddell or Caroline. + +"Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, "you really must not be so absurd about +this matter. Your mourning is nothing. You need not be wearing it even +now; and it will annoy Lady Julia, and put her to serious inconvenience, +if you continue to refuse." + +"I am sure I do not wish to inconvenience her," said Marian; "but there +must be many young ladies who would be only too happy to take the part." + +"Of course," said Mrs. Lyddell, "any one else would rejoice to be asked; +but the point is, that it is so unpleasant to admit any thing of a +stranger into the intimacy these things occasion." + +"I am almost a stranger to them." + +"Yes, but not to us, Marian," said Clara. "You have known them as long, +or longer than we have; and you would look so very well. Lady Julia said +herself that such a distinguished face and figure as yours would set the +whole thing off to advantage." + +Caroline well knew this was but the way to make Marian still more +determined against it. She held her tongue through all the persuasions +of her mother and Clara; and trusting a little, but not much, to the +superior influence which she knew herself to possess, she followed +Marian to her room, and began,--"Marian, are you still resolute against +this unfortunate archery? because, if you do not really think it a +matter of right and wrong, I should be very much obliged to you if you +would only yield." + +It was not so easy to withstand Caroline speaking in this way, as Mrs. +Lyddell almost scolding and Clara talking nonsense; but Marian had made +up her mind, and would not let herself be shaken. "I don't think I can," +was her answer. + +"Will you say whether you really think it wrong?" + +"I don't know." Not her considering "I don't know," but the dry, +provoking end-of-the-matter answer of half sullen days gone by. + +"If you really thought it positively wrong," proceeded Caroline, "not +another word would I say: but I don't see how you can without condemning +all gaeties, and that I know you do not." + +"I only think it a--a waste of time--a great deal of nonsense," said +Marian, faltering for an answer; "and really I have spent so much money; +I do not like to throw away any more." + +"O, you do not know how we have settled that," said Caroline, beginning +to be hopeful now that she had something tangible to attack. "The +dresses for the morning will be nothing,--only a white skirt and green +polka, which will do to wear for ever after, and a little ruff, very +pretty, and no expense at all; and a little alteration will make our +court dresses perfectly suitable for Queen Elizabeth's ladies. You need +not be at all afraid of being ruined." + +Marian saw that, though there would be many a little expense to make a +mickle one, yet it would still only cost her Mrs. Jameson, instead of +the gifts to the poor people; but as this was what chiefly justified +her in her own eyes, she would not admit the conviction, and answered, +"Those things that are altered and adapted really are as costly in the +end as if they were new altogether. Besides, I could not, I really could +not shoot before such an assembly." + +"I should so like to see you get the arrow." + +"O Caroline, that would be worse than anything!" + +"Well, then, don't get it; shoot as badly as you please: only do be kind +and make one of us, or you will spoil the whole concern." + +"How can that be? What difference can my dressing up or shooting make to +any one?" + +"Why, for one thing, if you are not one, as you must be, living with us +and all, Julia will be obliged to ask that Miss Grimley; don't you know +her?" + +"What, that old young lady who has been figuring in the newspaper so +long as getting all the archery prizes?" + +"Yes, the veteran archer, as Elliot calls her; and Mr. Faulkner says, if +she appears in character at all, it must be as Queen Elizabeth herself +dancing a stately pavise to the sound of the little fiddle. She is some +connection of theirs, and must be asked, if you will not take it; and +she is almost as bad as Queen Elizabeth herself, and will give none of +us any peace about the dresses, O Marian! Julia said she should esteem +it as a real kindness from you if you would be Lady Anne, if only for +the sake of keeping her out!" + +"I think it would be very absurd for a person who hates the whole +concern to be dragged in, for the sake of keeping out one who likes it!" + +"Then you are still resolved? Well, I had not much expectation, but +still I was half inclined to hope you would relent, if you did not think +it a point of principle, when you knew that it would be a real favor to +me." + +"To you, Caroline! you do not care for such trumpery." + +"I do care about seeing my friends mortified and vexed," said Caroline, +mournfully. + +"Your friends!" exclaimed Marian, in a voice of contempt. + +"Yes, as much as kindness can make them." + +"And esteem? O Caroline!" + +"Kindness--readiness to oblige," repeated Caroline. + +"They are my friends, and I am very fond of them." + +Caroline went away without another word, and Marian felt that her words +implied that she preferred readiness to oblige, to rigid, unbending +superiority in goodness. Marian felt it, and was disappointed in +Caroline, and pleased to have kept her determination, without asking +herself how far it was satisfied pride in obstinacy. + +This was the last time for many weeks that Caroline lingered talking +in Marian's room. The old chill had come on again. Both knew, though +neither said so, that it was not so much because it was a display and +expense that Marian refused, as because it was the Faulkners' party. If +it had been Lady Marchmont's, it would have been very different. Now +Caroline liked the Faulkners; they were all good natured, and much more +agreeable than any others in the neighbourhood--than any, indeed, with +whom she had yet been brought into close intercourse. She thought Marian +was unjust and ungracious, both to them and to her; that she had been +prejudiced from the first, and now was very decidedly making herself +disagreeable by a rigidity in trifles, which was almost positive +unkindness. Caroline's home, as has been shown, was neither a very +happy, nor a very satisfactory one; so that of late she had learnt to +look upon her brother Walter and Marian as her chief comforts, and was +now much more hurt and disappointed at Marian's conduct than she was +willing to show. It was particularly unfortunate just at this time, when +there was so much to invite and gratify her at High Down, when she was +in especial need of a true and affectionate friend and counsellor, and +when Walter was absent, being engaged in preparing for his ordination, +which was to take place in the course of the autumn. + +Mrs. Lyddell was much displeased with Marian, and showed it by her +coldness and formality; and Marian began to live more alone with +herself, and at war with the outer world, than she had done even before +Edmund's first visit five years ago. Caroline and Clara were a great +deal with the Faulkners, either at High Down or at home. Clara was in a +perfect transport at being admitted into the number of the archeresses, +and had struck up one of her eternal friendships with Louisa, the second +Miss Faulkner; and Marian might very fairly be provoked at seeing how +entirely her mind was diverted from all the rationality which she and +Caroline had been endeavouring--and as they had hoped, not without +success--to infuse into her during the past year. To get Clara to +settle quietly down to anything was an utter impossibility; her wisest +employment was the study of Elizabethan costumes, her most earnest, the +practice of archery. Now Marian always maintained that archery, on their +own lawn, and among themselves, was a very pretty sport; and for the +sake of consistency with her own principles, she very diligently shot +whenever the Faulkners were not there, and did her very best, by precept +and example, to make Clara fit her arrows to the string in her own +direct and purpose-like way, draw the bow-string to her ear with a +steady effort and aim, instead of a fitful jerk or twitch; and in fact +shoot, if she was to shoot, like a sensible woman, who really intended +damage to the target. Clara was very much obliged, and made some +progress; but Marian thus did herself little good with any one else, +for her love of the sport, and her excellence at it, made her spirit of +disdain all the more marked. Clara, was again, as in former times, her +chief friend in the family; for Marian, after the first vexation, held +her sense too cheap to blame her for her folly. It was the fault of the +others that she had been put in the way of what could not fail to turn +her head; so she listened, without showing many tokens of contempt, +to her endless histories of dear Louisa, and all the plans at High +Down,--of the witticisms that were perpetrated, the anticipations of +amusement and admiration, and of the tracasseries which Miss Grimley had +not failed to occasion. Marian was often entertained, and Clara more +than once hoped she was on the point of regretting that she was not one +of the favoured eight; but nothing could be further from Marian's mind. +She did not intend to absent herself either from the archery or from the +ball, but she must wear her own character, and no other; and people +were allowed to assume fancy dresses or not, just as suited their +inclination, so that she was in no fear of rendering herself remarkable. + +Caroline and Clara were to go to High Down two days before the great +occasion, and stay till the day after; Marian to remain at Oakworthy. +Just before they went, Clara danced into her room, saying, "Marian, do +you know some of the officers at Portsmouth have been asked to the ball? +You know there is a railroad all the way. I wonder if Mr. Arundel will +be there?" + +"Decidedly not," replied Marian. + +"What, not when he knows what an attraction there will be?" + +"Don't talk such nonsense, Clara; the idea of thinking a man would take +such a journey for a ball! Well, I hope you will be very happy." + +"O do come and see my dress, Marian, before it is packed up; it is on +mamma's bed, and it is so beautiful!" + +Marian came, and admired. Caroline was to be Amy Robsart, and Clara, +Janet Foster; a part her mother had chosen for her, as more appropriate +to a girl not yet come out. Certainly, Tony Foster would scarcely have +recognized his demure little Puritan under the little lace hood, +the purple bodice, and white skirt, at which Clara looked with such +exultation; and Janet was further to be supposed to have taken +possession of the Countess's orient neck-pearls, and was to wear them as +the only ornament that could with any propriety be bestowed on her. It +happened that Marian had a remarkably fine set of pearls. She had few +jewels of any kind; but these had been her grandmother's, and there +was some tradition belonging to them which no one ever could remember. +Janet's necklace was so much less pretty, that Marian could not help +exclaiming that Clara had better wear hers. Clara demurred, for she knew +Marian relied on these pearls to help out a dress which had seen more +than one London party; but it ended in Marian's having her own way, and +being contemptuous at the gratitude with which her loan was received. +Yet she was surprised to find that it was a relief to her that Mrs. +Lyddell departed a little from her cold politeness, and showed herself +really pleased and obliged. + +Certainly, if Mrs. Lyddell had not in some degree relaxed, those two +days would have been very forlorn. As it was, it was very odd to sit +down to dinner with only Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot, and to have no +one but Mrs. Lyddell to speak to in the drawing-room. She was glad when +the day came, to have it over; and she was not sufficiently hard-hearted +to regret that it was as fine as could be wished. To High Down they +went, and everything was just as Marian had expected,--every one walked +about and idled, and wondered when the shooting would begin; and when +it did begin, no one paid much attention to it except those who were +interested in some of the competitors. Marian watched her pupil +anxiously, and Clara, between excitement and nervousness, shot much +worse than if she had been in the garden at home, and went so wide of +the mark, that Marian was ashamed of her. Caroline did better, but not +well; and the prize was of course borne off by Miss Grimley, who was +popularly reported to have arrows enough to stock the quivers of two or +three cupids. + +Clara ran up to Marian, and walked with her a little while; telling her +all that had come to pass during the last two days,--a great deal of +bustle, and merriment, and nonsense, which Clara seemed to have enjoyed +excessively, and of which Marian could have said, "Every one to his +taste." Of Caroline she saw little or nothing; and after wandering +about in the rear of Mrs. Lyddell, and exchanging a great many cold +salutations, and colder sentences of small-talk, she was very glad to +find herself once more in the carriage, though it was only to go home, +dine and dress for the ball, and then High Down again. + +She wore white, with jet ornaments, and a row of pearls round her +hair,--the only thing that saved her from being rather shabbily dressed +than otherwise. However, Mrs. Lyddell had long since announced that she +had done saying anything about Marian's dress, and Fanny had not been a +ladies' maid long enough to grow into a tyrant; so that she had her own +way, and no one repeated to her, what she knew full well, that her white +silk was yellow where it swept the ground, and the lace did not stand +out as freshly as once it did. + +Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot talked and laughed all the way, quizzing the +company very sociably, and both appearing in the highest spirits. Mr. +Lyddell was asleep in his corner; Marian with her forehead against the +window, and her thoughts with Gerald. They reached High Down in the +midst of a stream of carriages; and Marian, in her plain white, had to +walk into the ball-room with Elliot, who had completed his offences in +her eyes, by daring to assume the dress of Sir Philip Sidney. She soon, +however, was free of him, for he liked her as little as she liked him, +and moreover had to go and perform his part in the noted Kenilworth +quadrille. Marian was left standing by Mrs. Lyddell, as she usually did, +through the greater part of a ball; for as she never waltzed, there +were few dances in which she could take a part. She had made half the +Oakworthy neighbours afraid of her; and Mrs. Lyddell, having found that +all activity in the way of being a useful chaperon was thrown away, had +acquiesced in leaving her to herself, "doing her justice" sufficient by +taking her to the ball. + +Marian was entertained by the pageant, as she deemed it. It was a very +pretty scene, with so many gay dresses, in the bright light; and it was +amusing to recognise her acquaintances in the wonderful costumes some +of them had seen fit to assume. She would have liked some one to +laugh with, at a shepherdess dancing, crook and all; and she highly +appreciated a good-natured old gentleman, who was willing to do +anything, however absurd, that could please his friends, and had come +out as my grave Lord Keeper himself, with + + "His bushy beard and shoe-strings green, + His high-crowned hat and satin-doublet." + +Caroline looked more like a beauty than she had ever seen her before. +Her fair ringlets and white neck had a peculiar elegance, set off by the +delicate fan-like ruff, and graceful head-gear of the Countess Amy. The +only fault that Marian could find was, that poor Amy never could have +looked as if she had so much mind as Caroline's countenance expressed. +As to her partner, Marian did not behold him with very different +feelings, from those with which she would have regarded the real Earl +of Leicester, could she have had one peep at the actual pageant of +Kenilworth, with its outward pomp, masking the breaking hearts beneath. +Thereupon she fell deep into musings on "Kenilworth," which she had read +at home, when, so young and unlearned in novels as not to have a guess +at what would happen, when it was all a wonder and fairy-land of +delight, and when poor Tressilian's name of Edmund had been his first +charm in her eyes, even before she loved him for his deep character and +melancholy fate. She thought how unlike all this common-place world was +to the world it aped--how far these Raleighs and Sidneys were from being +worthy to usurp the name even for one evening! and as to Tressilian, how +impossible to see any face here that would even shadow her idea of him! +And yet she did not know; she might have to change her mind. There +actually was a countenance handsome, thoughtful, almost melancholy +enough for Tressilian himself, with the deep dark eyes, pale, clear, +sun-burnt, brown complexion, and jetty hair that befitted her hero; a +short beard and dark dress would have completed him, but she almost +thought it a pity that such a face should appear above a scarlet coat +and gold epaulettes. + +However, Tressilian had been moving towards the end of the room where +she was standing, and was coming so near that she could not study him +after the first; so she turned to speak to Miss Faulkner, who had +finished her quadrille, and just as a polka was commencing, she was +surprised by finding Tressilian himself standing by her, and asking to +have the honour of dancing with her. + +"Thank you, I don't dance the Polka," she replied; and as she spoke +quick flashes of thought crossed her thus--"I have not been introduced +to him--I have met him before--how horrid of Tressilian's face to talk +of polkas--ha! it is Edmund!" + +Edmund Arundel's eye it was that was glancing at her with a look of +great amusement at her bewilderment. + +"The next quadrille," he proceeded, in the same ceremonious voice. + +"O Edmund, Edmund, I did not know you in the least! Who would have +thought of seeing you here?" + +"Why not? Did you not know we were asked?" + +"Asked? yes; but who would have come who could have helped it?" + +"I wanted particularly to see you." Then, after speaking to Mrs. +Lyddell, he turned to her again, and resumed, "But am I not to have the +pleasure of dancing the next quadrille with you?" + +"If it is any pleasure to you, I am sure you are very welcome." + +"In the mean time, what is the meaning of your not being amongst the +performers? You used to be a capital shot." + +"I? O, of course I could not shoot before all the world." + +"Well, I was in hopes my pupil had been doing me credit; so much so, +that I tried very hard to make that lady with the silver arrow into +you, and--" as Marian looked at Miss Grimley's thin, freckled face, and +reddish, sandy locks, and could not help smiling, he continued, "when +that would not quite do, I went on trying to turn each maid of honour +into you, till, just as I gave you up, I saw young Dashwood fixed in +contemplation; and well he might be, for there was something so majestic +as could be nothing but Zenobia, Queen of the East, or Miss Arundel +herself." + +"Majestic! nonsense! nothing can feel less majestic." + +"Then decidedly you are not what you seem." + +"I was trying all the time to make you into Tressilian, only your red +coat was in the way. You know I never saw you in it before." + +"And so you have given up archery?" + +"O, no! I shoot at home; only I cannot make a spectacle of myself,--I +hate the whole thing so much." + +"And you would not wear a fancy dress?" + +"You see I am in mourning." + +"Why, who is dead?" + +"Don't you know? Old Mr. Thomas Marchmont." + +"Yes, and his great-grandfather likewise! Well, you certainly are +inclined to make the most of your connection with the peerage," + +"Edmund!" and for the first time Marian felt as if she had been making +herself more foolish than magnanimous. He gave his arm and they walked +along together. He presently began abruptly, "What I came here for was +to consult you about a plan for Gerald. You see I shall never get at him +unless I have him alone. Now I don't like to take him away from you for +the holidays, but I do not see how it is to be managed otherwise." + +"I don't do him any good now," said Marian sadly. + +"What I thought of was this; I find I can get leave for two months this +summer. Now suppose I was to take him to Marchmont's grouse shooting +place in Scotland, and about among the Highlands and Islands. Perhaps +the pleasure of that excursion would make up for the being carried off +by an awful guardian, and those scrambles might bring him to the old +footing with me." + +"O it would be very nice to have him with you," said Marian; "but----" + +"Well, what is the but?" + +"I don't know, only would not taking him home be more likely to revive +old associations than anything else?" + +"No," answered Edmund most decidedly; then in a more hesitating manner, +as if casting about for reasons, he added, "I mean he was at home last +year--it would not appear so inviting as this expedition--it would be +giving every one a great deal of trouble." + +"To have the Manor House set to rights--yes--but just a week at the +Parsonage--just to revive the old feelings with you. For you to teach +him how to behave to the Fern Torr people." + +"No," repeated Edmund, "it would not do." + +He spoke in a manner that made Marian look up in his face with surprise, +and exclaim as if hurt, "Then you are really casting off poor old Fern +Torr." + +The next moment she was sorry she had said so, for his namesake in +"Kenilworth" could never have worn a more melancholy aspect than he, as +he answered in a very low voice of deep feeling, "I am the last man in +the world to be reproached with too little affection for Fern Torr." + +Marian was grieved, surprised, confused, but she had no time to find an +answer, for the quadrille was forming, Edmund began a search for _vis à +vis_, and she found herself dancing before she had made up her mind what +she should have said if she could have replied at once; but it was too +late to return to the subject, and she thought it best to begin entirely +another, by asking, the next time they were standing still, how he liked +the officers of his new regiment. + +"Very much, most of them," replied Edmund; "one or two are particularly +nice people." + +"Do you like any as well as Captain Gresham or--" + +"New friends are not old ones," quickly answered Edmund. + +"O no, but if you knew them as well, are there any equally worthy to be +liked? I want you to be comfortable there very much, as it is all our +fault." + +"Don't say any more of that, Marian. Thank you, I am very +comfortable--they are a very pleasant set." + +"Are there any of them here?" + +"Yes, three of them." + +_L'Eté_ cut short his speech, and when they paused again he began, "I +mean you to dance with Dashwood--there that rosy tall boy standing +partnerless behind the lady in a Swiss fly-away cap." + +"O I see," said Marian. + +"Yes, and don't be high and mighty with him." + +"High and mighty, when I am only shy." + +"Effects are seen, causes are not equally on the surface." + +"O Edmund!" + +"Well, he is a very nice right-minded boy, very shy himself; so don't +be grand, for I have a great regard for him, and I want him to have a +pleasant evening." + +Marian was considerably frightened by being told to be agreeable, the +thing which of all others she thought the most difficult; but she would +attempt anything for the sake of obliging Edmund, and making no answer, +consoled herself with thinking how far off the next quadrille was. In +the mean time, whilst she danced in the most business-like and least +pleasure-like way possible, she was pondering on what she had to say on +her own account to her cousin, and when the quadrille was over and he +took her to the supper room in quest of ices, she eagerly began, "Then +you think me wrong about my fancy dress?" + +"Shall I give your own favourite reply?" + +"Don't you think it a good thing to avoid all this folly and expense?" + +"And to prove Miss Arundel's lofty contempt for finery and foolery?" + +"I do not want to set myself up, but how am I to help thinking all this +nonsense?" + +"A hard question, since no one attempts to say it is far otherwise; but +after all, everything in this world is nonsense, except as a means of +doing right or wrong." + +"And you do not think I made this nonsense a means of doing right?" + +"If it had been any body else, I should have admired, but I do not trust +_you_. However I know nothing about it, I cannot judge of the amount of +sacrifice. Cream ice or water ice?" + +They could not converse any more just then, and in the next polka, +Clara, who not being come out, was not well off for partners, was +extremely honoured and delighted by being asked to dance by Mr. Arundel. +When the turn of a quadrille came round again, Edmund, as good as his +word, introduced to Marian his youthful ensign, and she, dreadfully +afraid of not obeying Edmund by being agreeable to his friend, set +herself to talk with all her might; told him what some of the costumes +were intended to represent, speculated as to the others, found him +very pleasant, and ended by making him consider his friend's cousin as +delightful as she was handsome, and he had been very much impressed with +her countenance. She saw Edmund was well pleased to see him looking +animated and gratified, and the consequence was that she had to dance +with another of his brother officers, and after all it had not been by +any means such hard work to be amiable as she was apt to imagine. At any +rate she never liked a ball so well, but then she had never met Edmund +at any other, which might account for it. After the last quadrille, Mrs. +Lyddell summoned her to come home, they took their leave of Caroline and +Clara, whom Mrs. Lyddell promised to fetch to-morrow: Lady Julia was +particularly full of empressement and affection, delighted that dear +Caroline had been looking so lovely. She even came out with them to the +cloak-room, where her son was assiduous in shawling Mrs. Lyddell, and +all manner of civilities seemed to be passing among them in a low voice, +while Edmund having disengaged Marian's shawl from the surrounding +drapery, said, as he put it round her, "Then it is settled that I take +Gerald and try to do for the best?" + +"O if you are so kind--" + +"Don's trust too much to it. I will try, which is all I can do." + +"No one can do him any good if you cannot." + +"Hush! And I must thank you for taking my scolding in such good part." + +"I deserved it." + +"I have since been thinking you are probably right. I am sure you are +in the principle of the thing. It was the particular application that +startled me." + +Mrs. Lyddell moved on, the carriage was at the door, they were all in +it, Elliot of course last, and as he threw himself back in his corner +and the door was shut, he exclaimed in a satisfied tone, "Well! he is +coming it pretty strong!" Who was coming what? thought Marian, but her +suspense did not last long, for Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both chimed in +with exclamations of satisfaction which left no doubt that they were +delighting themselves in the prospect of seeing Caroline mistress of +High Down. Marian had been in some slight degree prepared for this, she +knew Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell would highly approve, nay, consider such a +marriage as fulfilling their highest expectations, such an establishment +as all that could be wished; and depending as she did on Caroline's +principle and right feeling, she was sorry to think how much vexation +and worrying was in store for her. As she sat disregarded and forgotten +through that long dark drive, hearing all the eager gratulations and +anticipations of her three companions, regarding a marriage which she +could not think of without a sort of horror, how did she despise them, +feel imprisoned, and long to make her escape. She had not the least +doubt as to what Caroline would do; her rejection of such a man was a +matter of certainty; but Marian was vexed with her for having allowed +herself to become so intimate with the Faulkners, and thought she had +brought on herself all the annoyances that would follow. + +Tired, irritated, excited, Marian was very glad to escape from the +carriage, wish the rest good night, and run up to her own room. She sat +before her glass, slowly brushing out her long dark hair, and trying +to bring home her feverish thoughts, and dwell on what had passed, +especially with Edmund, on whom she had not yet had time to think, and +of all those hints of his, as to her behaviour in this matter. Had he +approved it or not? or would he if he had known all the circumstances? +There was something that struck her a good deal in his saying "I cannot +judge of the amount of sacrifice." Had it been a sacrifice to wear a +plain dress, to abstain from archery? It would have been, to Clara, but +was it to her? and as she looked at the two grey volumes, with their +store of pretty engravings and pleasant reading which lay on her table, +and thought that they were her own for life, and that Anne Clifford's +dress would now be laid aside and useless for ever after the archery +prize, if she had won it, would be worthless, and the admiration, +had she valued it, passed from her ears, she could not feel, for one +instant, that it had been a sacrifice. Then again came his words, "every +thing in this world is nonsense, except as a means of doing right or +wrong." Yes, pretty books, pleasant pictures, taste and intellect were +in themselves as little precious as dress and finery, things as fleeting +when compared with eternity, except so far as they trained the soul +and the higher faculties which _might_ endure for ever. She thought of +"Whether there he prophecies, they shall fail, whether there be tongues, +they shall cease, whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away." +All was a shadow except that charity which never faileth, a beautiful +picture, even as a costly dress! the way we treat these things alone +enduring. Her head throbbed as she tried to be certain as to whether she +had acted right. If the dress had required the money set apart for the +poor she would have been perfectly clear about it, but she knew it +need not have done so. Would her vanity have been gratified? Decidedly +not--admiration of her face was so distasteful to her proud shrinking +bashfulness, that she felt it like an insult when reported to her, and +could almost have wished not to be so handsome, if it had not been more +agreeable to an artist-like eye to see a tolerable physiognomy in the +glass, when obliged to look there, and besides she would not but be like +the Arundels, and was well satisfied with the consciousness of having +their features, as indeed she would have been if their noses had been +turned up and their "foreheads villainous low." If _her_ vanity was +gratified, it was by standing apart from, and being able to look down on +the rest of the world; and as Marian became conscious of this, her mind +turned from it with the vexation of spirit, the disgust and sensation of +dislike, and willingness to forget all about it, that every one is apt +to feel with regard to a vanity passed away--something analogous to the +contempt and dislike with which we turn from the withered shreds of +tangible vanity, faded and crumpled artificial flowers, and tumbled +gauze ribbon when disinterred from some dusty and forgotten corner. No +feeling is much more unpleasant than the loathing of an old vanity; and +though this of Marian's was not yet old, yet that touch of Edmund's +which had shown her how he regarded her "high-and-mightiness," had made +her very much ashamed of it. Then came the question whether it was, +after all, self-will that had actuated her, pride and self-will, leading +her contrary to every one's wishes, where she was not sure that she was +fulfilling a duty. Again, on the other hand, there was this point about +the Faulkner family, her dislike to them was founded on principle; +indeed it was not dislike, for she allowed their agreeableness of +manner, it was disapproval; it was determination not to enter into +anything approaching to intimate acquaintance with a man whom she +believed to be little better than an infidel. If Edmund knew this, would +not he think her right? But then to be consistent, she should not have +accepted his hospitality in any degree; she ought not to have gone to +the ball, nor ever to have dined at his house. How far was she called on +to set her face against him, how far was she independent, how far was +obedience to the Lyddells a duty? This must be for a question for Edmund +another time, and she hoped that Caroline's refusal would put an end +to the intercourse. Nor were these all her reflections. She thought of +Edmund and his kindness to Gerald, and the hopes, nay the confidence +which it revived in her, setting her mind fully at rest about her +precious brother, for in spite of Edmund's despondency, she could not +help trusting entirely to the renewal of his influence; for who was +like Edmund? Who so entirely treated, as well as spoke of, the world as +nothing except as a means of doing right or wrong? + +But then that he should be out of spirits, as she had more plainly than +ever perceived to-night, in spite of the gaiety he had at first assumed, +his manner of replying when she pressed him to go to Fern Torr, and his +absolute avoidance of it, struck and puzzled her much as well as grieved +her. She knew his loneliness, and could understand that he might be +melancholy, but why he should shrink from the home he so loved was +beyond what she could fathom. + +She knew Clara would laugh at her for his having come so many miles on +her account. Yes, quite sure that it was nonsense. Edmund had talked +of coming to see her, so openly, he had laughed at and blamed her so +uncompromisingly, that she had no doubt that he had not the least +inclination to fall in love with her. She had the best of elder brothers +in him, and he would take care of Gerald, and, happy in her confidence +she fell asleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + "What is that which I should turn to, lighting upon days like these? + Every door is barr'd with gold and opens but to golden keys. + * * * * * + "Yearning for the large excitement that the coming years would yield, + Eager hearted as a boy when he first leaves his father's field." + + TENNYSON. + + +Marian was not up much later than usual the next morning, but she had +a long time to wait for the rest of the party. She read, wrote, drew, +tried to busy herself as usual all the morning, but whether it was that +she was tired with her ball, or that she was anxious about Caroline, +she did not prosper very much, and grew restless and dissatisfied. She +wished she knew whether she had done right, she wished she could feel +that she had been kind and accommodating. + +Her head was dull and heavy from the struggle to occupy herself when her +mind was full, and after luncheon she tried to drive her stupidity away +by a very long ride. Groom and horses were always at her service, as a +part of Mrs. Lyddell's justice to her, and off she set, in search of +breezes, to the highest and furthest downs, by her attainable. On she +went, cantering fast, feeling her power over her spirited pony, letting +the summer sun shine full on her face, and the wind, when she had ridden +where she could meet it, stream in a soft ripple round her head, like +the waves of the summer tide. She rode far enough to attain the object +she had proposed to herself, namely, to look down on Salisbury spire, +pointing up in its green valley with the fresh meadows around it, giving +a sense of refreshment, repose and holy influence, which her eye carried +to her mind. Good men had raised that pile, had knelt there, sung +in praise there, and now lay asleep within its grey walls and shady +cloisters; men and women who had been to the full as much wearied and +perplexed with sin and worldliness around them as she could ever feel; +they had struggled through, their worn and fainting hearts had rested +there, and now their time of peace was come. Why should it not be so +with her? + +Ah! but things were changed; in their time there was energy; there were +great crimes indeed, but the Church was active. The bad was very bad, +but the good was very good, there were real broad questions then of +right and wrong, not the coldness and frivolity, where all was so +worthless that there was scarce a possibility of caring or seeing which +part was the right. + +No, Marian would not accuse the time in which she was born, and the +station to which it had pleased God to call her. Mr. Wortley had warned +her against that. She had a Church, the one true holy Catholic Church, +as surely and truly, nay, the very same that those men of old had, and +was as much bound to love it, serve it, fight for it in her own way, as +ever they had felt themselves. Life, truth, goodness, there was still, +she saw it, knew it, felt it in some; and though there was little of it +in her immediate home, so little as to make her heart faint, she knew +that + + "Israel yet has thousands sealed + Who to Baal never kneeled." + +If there was this frivolity, this deadness and chilliness about these +present days, she knew it was a temptation long since prophesied of, as +about to grow on the world "when, the love of many should wax cold," but +the help and the hope were never to fail, and while she might but grasp +after them, she had enough to do, and need not feel faint and weary. + +Her ride had done her good, her sensation of bodily lassitude and mental +stupidity had been driven off by the active exercise which had produced +a more wholesome kind of fatigue, and the temper which tended to +discontent had partly gone with them, partly been chased away by +reflection in a right spirit. As she was entering the park, Elliot, also +on horseback, came up in time to profit by the same opening of the gate. + +"Are you but just come home, Marian?" said he, "I thought I was very +late." + +"I don't know what o'clock it is, but I see the sun is getting low." + +"Have not you been at High Down?" + +"No, I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"To Beacon Hill! That _is_ a ride! And you have not seen any of them +since they came home?" + +"No, I have been out all the afternoon." + +"Well, I have a notion you will have something to hear. I dare say you +have some idea. Catch a young lady not up to a thing like that." + +A cold horror and disgust came over Marian, and she would not make a +single inquiry, but Elliot went on. + +"So you will ask no questions? I believe you are in the secret the whole +time." + +"No, I am not." + +"No? You will never persuade me that you are not. Why, what else can you +ladies sit up half the night talking about in your bed rooms?" + +Marian despised him too much to deny. + +"Then do you really mean to profess," said Elliot, turning full towards +her, so as to look her in the face in what she deemed an impertinent +way, "that you cannot guess the news that is waiting for you?" + +For once in her life she could not say "I don't know," and her answer +was a very cold "I believe I do;" while in the meantime she was almost +feeling, and quite looking, as if she could have cut off his bead. His +disagreeableness was the one present pain, but behind it was undefined +consternation, for she perceived that, at any rate, he did not think +Caroline had refused Mr. Faulkner. + +"You keep your congratulations till it is formally announced," said he +maliciously, still looking at her, though few save himself could have +failed to be abashed by the firm, severe expression of her dark eyes, +and lips compressed into all the sternness of the Queen of Olympus. + +Happily they were so close to the house that Marian, who would not deign +a reply, could avoid him without absolute rudeness. She threw her rein +to the groom, and sprung to the ground before Elliot had time to offer +his assistance, then ran hastily across the hall just as Clara was +coming out of the drawing-room. + +"Why, Elliot!" cried Clara meeting her brother, "you have not been +riding with Marian?" + +"With Marian? No, I thank you! I only met with her at the gate, and have +been spoiling your market." + +"You don't mean that you have been telling her?" cried Clara; "O I +wanted to have been first." + +"Precious little thanks you'll get!" said Elliot; but Clara, without +attending to him, flew up stairs after Marian, who had reached her room, +and while Fanny was endeavouring to get her dressed in time for dinner, +was trying to collect her dismayed thoughts. She would not believe +Caroline so foolish, nay, so wicked as to accept him, yet if it could +possibly be true, what in the world should she say or do which way +should she look, or how should she answer? In the midst of her first +confusion in danced Clara, with a face full of delight at having +something to tell, then looking blank at Fanny's presence. + +"Marian--my dear Marian--what do you think?" was her first eager +beginning, then changing into "How--how late you are--where have you +been! I really thought you had been out with Elliot," and she laughed. + +"I only fell in with him at the gate. I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"Have you indeed? O I wish you had come with mamma! So Elliot has +been provoking, and told you," she added, stopping there, and looking +significant. + +Marian glanced at Fanny, and shook her head. She was very glad she had +such a protector, to give her time to collect her thoughts, but this was +not easy, for Clara went rattling on in an eager discursive way about +all sorts of things, the archery, the dancing, the partners, the +dresses, hardly knowing what she said, nor Marian either, fidgeting +about, trying to expedite the dressing, and looking most impatient, till +at last Marian, anxious to know what had really taken place, pitying her +eagerness, and willing to have it over, hurried the fastening of her +dress, and arranging of her lace, and told Fanny to leave them. + +"O Marian! Marian! what a shame of Elliot to have told you all about it. +Did you expect it?" + +"He only half told me," replied Marian, "but make haste, Clara, let me +hear. Is Caroline really engaged?" + +"Yes--yes--O yes! and every one is so delighted, Lady Julia, and Julia +and Louisa, and all!" + +"And she has accepted him?" + +"O yes to be sure--at least--yes, only you know it is too soon to settle +when they will be married. What a charming wedding it will be, won't +it, Marian?--you and I find Julia and Louisa, and their cousins will be +bridesmaids O! how delightful it will be. And then I shall come out." + +"But Clara, Clara, don't be wild, do tell me all about it." + +"Ah! you see you missed something by not coming to stay there as we did. +And to tell you a great secret, Marian, Louisa says she really believes +that it was you that her brother thought of, when he first accepted +Elliot's invitation to come and stay here." + +"Nonsense," said Marian, though her colour would rise. + +"And he had not seen Caroline then, Louisa says," proceeded Clara, but +there she got into an inextricable confusion, and was not speedy in +stammering out of it, having suddenly remembered that it was no great +compliment to tell Marian that Louisa had said how glad they all were +that it was not Miss Arundel. Marian cut the hesitation short by saying, +"You have not told me when it was settled, or how you heard it." + +"It was settled last night after you were gone--in the conservatory-- +such a pretty place for a love affair, as Louisa says--at least I mean +he asked her, but I don't think she gave him any real regular answer-- +no, certainly she did not." + +"Did you know of it that evening?" + +"O yes, Louisa and I had great fun in watching him all day, and all the +day before, we saw it all quite plain." + +"But did Caroline tell you that night?" + +"Yes, of course she did. She could not have kept it from me, you know, +for I began to laugh at her the minute we came up, and asked her if she +had not been delightfully employed, and you should have seen what a +colour she grew directly." + +"And what did she say?" asked Marian very anxiously, almost hoping it +might prove that Caroline's acceptance might have been taken for granted +without having been really given. + +"I don't exactly remember what she said, she was very grave and said it +was no laughing matter, or something of that kind, and she walked up and +down and begged me to be quiet and let her think." + +"Well!" + +"Then I begged her only to let me know if he had proposed, and what she +had said, and she told me she had said nothing--she could not tell--she +must have time, and then she leant her head against the side of the bed, +and said she wished she knew what to do! And when I tried to cheer her +up, and said how delightful it would be----" + +"O Clara, how could you?" broke from Marian. + +"Ah! I know you can't bear the Faulkners, but you must now, for they +will be your cousins, you know, Marian. And I assure you I did not say +anything silly, I said it was not only that Mr. Faulkner is handsome and +rich, that would not be anything, you know, but he is so sensible and so +agreeable, and kind, and good tempered, and we are all so fond of him, +and the Faulkners all so fond of her, and it would be so very nice to +have her close to us, and mamma would be so charmed. Well, poor dear +girl, she did not sleep at all that night, and this morning she only +wanted, if she could, to have sent a note for us to be sent for to come +home to breakfast, but that could not be, you know, and when we came +down, Lady Julia was so kind and affectionate, and kissed her and said +she was tired, and took her to lie on the sofa, in the little boudoir. +Lady Julia sat with her there first, and then Mr. Faulkner came, and +stayed with her a long, long time." + +"O!" sighed Marian, "was it settled then?" + +"Not exactly settled, but somewhere about three o'clock, Mr. Faulkner +ordered his horse, and rode out to find papa, and then Caroline ran up +to our room, and bolted the door, and said she could not let me in, +but just then mamma came and went up to her, and it was all joy and +congratulation through the whole house. Mr. Faulkner came back and papa +with him. But dear me, there is the second bell! Come, Marian! O, I do +so wish you had been there." + +If Marian had been there, perhaps things would not have been exactly as +they were at present, though this was very far from what Clara intended +by her wish. Marian had done infinite mischief by the severity which had +weakened the only home influence excepting Walter's which held Caroline +to the right. Caroline respected her extremely, but the confidence and +affection which had been growing up slowly but surely out of that root +of esteem, had been grievously dulled and blighted, and at a most +critical time. It had in fact been almost killed down to the ground, and +though the root was a healthy one, and might yet shoot forth again, +the opportunity had been missed when it might have been turned to good +account. + +Caroline knew Mr. Faulkner not to be a religious man, and her better +principles warned her against him; but on the other hand she really +liked his manners extremely, her heart was warmed towards him by his +preference and expressions of affection, and she did not know whether +she loved him already or not, or whether she should allow herself to +love him, as he was sure she could do. She had been used to a world +where the service of GOD was not the first object; she had always lived +with men whose thoughts and time were otherwise engrossed, and though +she might regret what she saw, her standard had been lowered, and she +was far less inclined to hold aloof front one whom her conscience did +not approve, than if she had been accustomed to see everything desirable +in her own family; in those whom nature and duty obliged her to love and +respect. + +By the Faulkners she was greeted with such kindness as to win her heart, +and she thought the power she would enjoy at High Down would enable her +to set things on a footing there, on which she could never place them at +home; she could not fail to be happy with Mr. Faulkner; she might work +upon his mind, if he loved her as he said he did. Still there stood the +great unanswerable obstacle, the three words, "It is wrong!" If she +stood alone, if there was no family on either side, she could, she would +refuse, but dismay seized on her when she thought of the displeasure, +the persecution at home if she rejected him; on the other hand she +shrank from ingratitude for the kindness of the Faulkners. There was +Clara putting her in mind of all that could bias her in his favour, +rejoicing already, saying how all the family would rejoice. + +O that interval, that night! if Marian had but stood there with the +grave, earnest, heartfelt voice that repelled all sophistry with the +wonted "I don't know," if the dark eyes had been there to look with +contempt on all but the "right," and to fill with tears, the more +touching because so rare, as her tenderness, her deep feeling would +have been called out by the sensation of seeing and aiding a friend to +struggle nobly against a temptation, if Caroline had felt and seen the +superiority, the loveableness of real, true, uncompromising regard for +right, and right alone, if she had been by one touch made to partake +of the horror Marian felt of any failure in faith, then all the innate +strength and nobleness of her character might have been awakened, and +she would have clung to "the right" at any cost, supported, carried +through by Marian's approval and sympathy, keeping her up to feel that +higher approval was with her. + +But alas! alas! Marian was at a distance, and her image had at present +connected itself with harshness and haughtiness. She might be good; +but such goodness did not invite imitation; she did not appear half as +agreeable as the Faulkners. Caroline turned away from the recollection +of her, was all night and all the morning distressed, undecided, and +vacillating; then came Lady Julia's affection, her lover pressing his +suit, she hardly knew what she had said, but she found her consent +was assumed, both families were rejoicing in it, she found herself +considered to be engaged, and she returned home bewildered at all that +had passed, flattered, almost intoxicated with the attention of various +kinds paid her by every one, at High Down, and when her wonted dread of +Marian's disapproving eye would return, hardening herself against it +with the thought that Marian could not make every one as Utopian as +her own Edmund and Fern Torr, that she was proud and determined in +prejudice, and after all what right had she to interfere? Of Walter, +Caroline did not dare to think. + +Marian came down with Clara, wearing a rigid company countenance, +expressing more of indifference than of anything else; she would not +look at Caroline lest her eye should seem to judge her, and only by +furtive glances perceived that she looked pale, worn and wearied. There +was talk about the ball going on all dinner-time, but Caroline hardly +put in a word, and Marian's were not many. Directly after dinner +Caroline said she was tired, and should lie down till tea-time; she went +and Mrs. Lyddell, taking Marian by the hand, exclaimed, "Now, Marian, I +must be congratulated. I suppose Clara has told you all about it." + +"Yes, Clara told me," said Marian, resolved not to offend except where +she could not avoid it without sacrificing truth. + +"You could scarcely be surprised," said Mrs. Lyddell. "It has been +evident for a long time. Dear Caroline! Well, I am sure this is a +satisfaction! Settled so near home, and family and connection exactly +what could be wished; and so extremely fond of her." + +"Yes, Lady Julia is very fond of her." + +Mrs. Lyddell was too much rejoiced herself not to take sympathy for +granted. The point, on which Caroline's scruples were founded, and which +caused Marian's dislike, had never even occurred to her: she lived +little, or rather not at all, in Marian's confidence, and really did not +know that she disliked the Faulkners more than any one else, since her +manners were so universally distant, that a little ungraciousness more +or less was not very visible to a casual observer like Mrs. Lyddell. +That same ordinary coldness and undemonstrativeness which had never +thawed to Mrs. Lyddell was the reason that the entire absence of any +expression of gladness or congratulation was not remarked, or at least +only taken as her way, and besides at the bottom of her heart, Mrs. +Lyddell was very much obliged to Marian for the repelling manner which +had left the field to her daughter. So Marian got very well through +half an hour's interview, without giving offence; but she feared the +_tête-à-tête_ with Caroline, and resolved as much as possible to avoid +it, since she could do no good, and did not think it right to express +her sentiments unless they were positively called for. Disappointed in +Caroline, grieved, giving her up for lost, yet loving and pitying her, +she had rather never meet her again, certainly not have any confidential +intercourse with her. + +She need not have feared: Caroline was quite as much inclined to avoid +her as she could be to avoid Caroline; by mutual consent they shunned +being left alone together, and talked of indifferent matters if they +were, for there was not familiarity enough for silence. When with the +others Caroline was the same as usual, lively, agreeable, obliging; +perhaps, and Marian thought it strange, a shade gayer than her wont. In +her behaviour to Mr. Faulkner every one agreed that she was exactly the +right thing, quiet and sensible, and, as people said, "evidently so very +much attached to him." Marian would have given worlds to know what was +passing in her secret soul, but the right of reading there was gone. +What did Walter think? To this also there was no answer; if he wrote, +Marian heard nothing about his letter, and he did not come home. He was +to be ordained in the autumn to a curacy in a large manufacturing town +in the north of England, and in the meantime he was staying there with +one of the other curates, helping in the schools, and learning something +of the work before him. There was not a doubt in Marian's mind that his +sister's engagement must be a great sorrow to him, and that this was the +reason why he would not come home, even for a short visit. For Caroline, +so really good, right thinking and excellent as she was, so far above +the general tone of her family, wilfully to place herself in such a +situation, to cast away all the high and true principles with which she +had once been imbued, was too sad and grievous to be borne by one who +loved her as Marian, did all the time, and how much worse it must be for +her brother? + +Yes, little did most of those who saw Marian's unmoved, marble +countenance, and heard her stiff, formal words, guess at the intensity +of feeling beneath, which to those who knew her best was betokened by +that very severity; how acutely she was suffering for the future before +Caroline, how strong were the impulses to plead with her once more, how +sick and loathing her heart felt at the manner in which this hateful +connection was treated by all around. If that reserve could, or ought +to, have been broken, Marian would have astonished them all. + +If her former anxieties about Gerald had been as of old, she really did +not know how she could have endured them in addition to all this; but +while she was at ease about him nothing could quite overwhelm her. And +she was very happy about him; Mr. Lyddell had readily consented to the +Highland plan, and Gerald was so enchanted that he forgot all his former +fears of Edmund, saw in him only a fellow-sportsman, and when he wrote +to tell his sister of the project, decorated his letter with a portrait +of the holidays, every one of the thirty-seven days represented in a +sort of succession of clouds one behind the other, in each of which +Gerald was doing something delightful,--boating, shooting, bagging his +game, and enjoying an infinite variety of sports, the invention and +representation of which did considerable credit to his ingenuity. On the +very day after the Eton election, he met Edmund in London, and they set +off together to spend the time before the ecstatic twelfth of August in +visits to the Trosachs, to Fingal's cave and every other Scottish wonder +of note. + +Lionel returned alone, and the first thing he said as he skimmed his hat +across the hall table was, "There! thank goodness, I shan't touch a book +again these five weeks!" Every one asked after his eyes, but they told +their own story, for they were considerably inflamed, and so evidently +out of order that Mrs. Lyddell herself grew anxious, and the apothecary, +Mr. Wells, was sent for. He spoke of their having been over tried by the +school work, advised complete rest, and sent his mixture to bathe them, +which in a day or two reduced the inflammation, made them comfortable, +and restored them to their ordinary appearance, so that all anxiety +passed off again. + +Marian, like the others, dismissed the fear, though a flash of +apprehension now and then crossed her mind. She was more with Lionel +than the others, they had always been great allies, and at present were +more thrown together than had ever been the case before. Johnny had been +appointed to a ship which was to sail from Plymouth in a very short +time, and he only came home for two or three days, from the school where +he had been prepared. Mr. Lyddell took him to London for his outfit, and +then on to Plymouth; Mrs. Lyddell was extremely overset, more so than +Marian had thought her capable of being, for Johnny was her favourite, +she regarded him as a victim, and could not bear to expose him to all +the perils of sea and climate. + +Johnny however went to Plymouth, and then there was nothing to be +desired but that he should soon sail, that his mother might settle her +mind, for in the mean time she was nervously anxious and restless, +and could scarcely give her attention to anything, not even to the +Faulkners, far less to what Marian was observing from time to time about +Lionel's eyes. + +Now that John and Gerald were away, Lionel was deprived of his wonted +companions: Elliot did not patronize him, and was besides too busy about +the races to occasion on his own account any home sports in which Lionel +might have taken a share, so that there was no companionship for him +excepting with the young ladies. Caroline's and Clara's time was a great +deal taken up with the Faulkners, and Marian and Lionel were thus left +out by all and almost obliged to make a coalition. + +Lionel haunted the drawing-room in the morning, either talking in the +half-rhodomontade, half-in-earnest fashion of boys of sixteen, or +listening if there was any reading aloud going forward. Clara's readings +with Marian and Caroline had well-nigh fallen to the ground now, and +Caroline almost always spent the morning in her own room, but Marian now +and then caught Clara and managed to get her to do something rational. +More often, however, the reading was on Marian's part to Lionel; he +liked to hear her read scraps of any book she might have in hand, and +she was very merciful to him in the selection, not being by any means +too wise. She read him likewise the new numbers of the periodical tales, +as well as the particulars of the rowing matches and cricket matches, +overcoming for his sake her dislike to touching Elliot's sporting +newspaper. Indeed she had not so forgotten her cricket as not to be very +much interested, to enter into all his notes and comments, and to be as +anxious for the success of Eton as he was himself, so that if she had +been called to give an account of her whole morning's work for three +days, she could have said nothing of it but that she had been studying +the matches at Lord's. + +In the afternoon, if Marian could escape from the drive in the carriage, +they walked or rode together, the latter when it was not too bright a +day, for Lionel avoided the sunshine like an owl; and when in their +walks a sunny field, or piece of down had to be passed, he drew his hat +down and came under the shelter of Marian's parasol, as if he fairly +dreaded the glare. He was very apt too not to recognise people whom they +met, and now and then made such strange mistakes about small objects +near at hand, that though they were laughed at just at the moment, +Marian thought them fearful signs when she recollected them afterwards, +in that half-waking half-sleeping time when she had learnt to entertain +herself with anxieties. Chess or backgammon was the great resource in +the evening, when there was no dining out, and no grand dinner party, +and the number of games Marian played with him were beyond all +reckoning. He played, she thought, more by the touch than the eye, often +feeling the head of a piece to satisfy himself whether it had the king's +crown or the queen's round head, the bishop's mitre or the knight's +ears, but he was so quick and ready that it was impossible to tell how +far the defect of sight went, and she could not bear to ask or awaken +his fears. + +She did not think he had any; she did not believe that he had ever seen +quite as well as other people, and therefore trusted to sight less than +most; and his eyes had been so often ailing, and then better, that he +was not likely to take alarm now. If he had, she believed he would have +told her, for he was very confidential with her, and she often thought +it a great pity that no one else had thought it worth while to enter +into him enough to find out what a right-thinking, sensible boy he was, +and how affectionate he would be if they would only let him. One day, +when they had been taking a long ride together, he began talking about +his intentions for the future. It arose out of some observation about +the value of a tree in a new and an old country. Marian had been +lamenting that no modern houses were ever built with the beautiful +patterns of dark timbers, as we see them in old farm-houses; and Lionel +answering that so much wood could never be afforded in England now. + +"No, you must go to a primeval forest for that," said Marian; "and very +stupid it is of the people in the colonies to build houses as bad or +worse than ours, when they have all the materials for nothing." + +"Well, I will build a famous house when I emigrate," said Lionel; "a +regular model of an old English farm-house it shall be,--stout, and +strong, and handsome,--just to put the people in mind that they do +belong to an old country, after all." + +"When you emigrate, Lionel?" + +"Yes, I really have a great mind to do so, seriously, Marian," and he +rode nearer to her. "I do think it would be the best thing I could do. +Don't you think so?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, considering, while his eager face was +turned towards her. + +"You see," Lionel continued, "we must all do something for ourselves; +and I am sure my eyes will never be fit for study. To be a clergyman is +out of the question for me, even if I was good enough; and so is the +law--" + +"Yes, yes, certainly." + +"Well, then, there is only the army, and there one can't get on without +money. Now you know Elliot has been a monstrous expense to my father of +late, and the times have grown so bad, and everything altogether has +gone wrong; so that I think the only thing for it would be for me to go +off to some new part of the world, where, when I once had a start, my +own head and hands would maintain me,--no thanks to anybody." + +"I dare say it would," said Marian, rather sadly, "I am sure these are +right grounds, Lionel; but it is a terrible severing of all home ties." + +"O, but I should come back again. I should be an Englishman still, and +come back when I had made my fortune." + +"O, Lionel, don't be in a hurry to make a fortune; that spoils every +one." + +"No, no, I am not going to grasp and grub for money; I hate that. Only +if the fortune comes, one does not know how, with cattle, or horses, or +lands--O, Marian, think of being an Australian stockman, riding after +those famous jockeys of wild bulls--hurra!" Lionel rose in his stirrups, +and flourished his whip round his head, so as greatly to amaze his +steed. "There is a life to lead in a great place bigger than all Europe, +instead of being stifled up in this little bit of a poky England, every +profession choke full of people!" + +"Well done, Lionel, you do want a field indeed!" + +"So I do. I hate to be fenced up, and in, every way. I should like to +break out in some fresh place, and feel I had all the world before me! +Then I'll tell you what, Marian," and he spoke with infinite relish, +"suppose matters got a little worse here, and they were all of them +really in distress!" + +"O Lionel!" + +"Well, but listen. Then I should like to come home with all this fortune +that I had made somehow, and get them all on their legs again; buy back +the estate, perhaps, and give it to papa again; and then--and then"--his +voice quivered a little, and his eyes winked, as if the sun had dazzled +them--"see if mamma would not think me worth something, after all!" + +This was the only time Lionel had ever said a word to show that he was +conscious of his mother's disregard of him; and the feeling it called up +made Marian's heart so full that she could not reply. But he wanted no +answer, and went on. "Would not that be worth living for, Marian? But, +after all, that is all nonsense," he added, with a sigh; "at least it is +all a chance. But what I really think is, that I should do much better +for myself and every one else, in one of the colonies; and I have a +great mind to speak to my father about it. By the by, I wish Mr. Arundel +would come here when he has finished his journey with Gerald; I should +like to talk to him about the Cape. I rather fancy the Cape, because of +the lions; and one might have a chance of a row now and then with the +Caffres." + +Marian began telling all she could about the Cape, and from that time +her _tête-à-têtes_ with Lionel were chiefly spent in discussions upon +the comparative merits of the colonies. One thing Lionel was resolved +on. "I will go somewhere where there is a Church within a tolerable +distance,--say twenty miles; that is a short one for a colony, you know, +Marian; for I know I am such a wild fellow, that I should very soon +forget everything good, if I had not something to put me in mind of it. +Or, by the by, Marian, what would be jolly would be to get Walter to go; +I dare say he would, if it was some place where they were very badly off +indeed, with plenty of natives, and all very savage." + +Marian understood quite well enough, to agree that it must be some place +"very badly off indeed" to invite Walter, and Lionel greatly enjoyed the +further arranging of plans for taking care of his intended chaplain, +whom he meant to save from roughing it as much as possible. However, +this might be regarded as a very aerial pinnacle of his castle, the +first foundation of which was yet to be laid, by broaching the subject +to his father. Lionel talked over the proposing it many times with his +counsellor, and at length resolved upon it, with some slight hope that +it might save his eyes from the suffering of another half year at Eton, +which, as the holidays came nearer to an end, he began to dread. + +"You see, Marian," he said, "I do not like to give out, when I can help +it, for they think it shirking, and there was a time when I did shirk; +but a great many times last half, I was nearly mad with the aching and +smarting of my eyes after I had been reading. And all I did was by bits +now and then; for if I went on long the letters danced, and there was a +mist between me and them." + +"I wish you would tell Mr. Lyddell; I am sure it is not fit to go on in +such a way." + +"I have told Wells," answered Lionel. + +A pause--then Lionel said, "I believe papa is in the library; I'll go +and speak to him about the emigration." + +Marian was very anxious to hear the result of the conference, but she +could not find out anything just at first as she had to drive out with +Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline to make calls. In the evening, over the game +at chess, Lionel told her that his father said he should talk to his +mother about it; and two days after he came to her in the hall, saying, +"Come and take a turn in the plantation walk, Marian; 'tis nice and +shady there, and I have something to tell you." + +The something was as follows: "Well, Marian, my father was very kind, +paid something about its being a sensible notion, and that he would see +about it." + +"But are you to go back to Eton?" + +"Yes, that must be; and I must scramble on as best I may. It will be +better at first, after all this rest. It is something gained that the +whole plan is not knocked on the head at once." + +"Then he gives his consent?" + +"Why, he says it will be time to think of it in a year or two, and I +am too young as yet, which is true enough; only, I wish I was to be +learning farming, instead of torturing my eyes with what will be no good +out there. Then he said, as to giving up the army, I need not think that +was necessary, because it was only that he did not want to have two +sons in it, and now Johnny is otherwise disposed of; and, besides Mr. +Faulkner had behaved in such a handsome way about Caroline's fortune.' + +"O!" said Marian. + +"Yes, I don't like that at all," said Lionel. "Johnny always was crazy +to be a sailor, so he is all right, and that is not what I care for; but +I don't want to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner. I had rather Caroline had +her own money, and not that we should all profit by her making this +grand marriage." + +"I should quite feel with you." + +"Marian, we have never talked that over; but I know you cannot bear the +Faulkners." + +"What is the use of asking me, Lionel?" + +"O, I know you can't, as well as if you had said so; and I want to know +how you could let Caroline go and do such a thing?" + +"I? How could I help it?" said Marian smiling, at the boy's assuming +that she had power of which she was far from being conscious. "Besides, +I thought you liked Mr. Faulkner; you, all of you, did nothing but +praise him at Christmas." + +"I did at first, not at last," said Lionel. "Besides, liking a man to go +out shooting with is not the same as liking him to marry one's sister." + +"By no means!" cried Marian, emphatically. "But what made you think ill +of him?" + +"Things I heard him say to Elliot when we were out together." + +"Did Gerald hear them?" asked Marian, very anxiously, as she remembered +what a hero Mr. Faulkner was in her brother's estimation. + +"No, I don't think he did. He certainly was not there the worst time of +all,--the time that gave a meaning to all the rest. Don't you remember +that day when Mr. Faulkner drove Elliot and me in his dog-cart to look +at that horse at Salisbury? I am sure I never praised him after that +day. He said what Elliot never would have said himself--never." + +"How?" Marian could not help asking, though she doubted the next moment +whether it was wise to have done so. + +"Things about--about religion--the Bible," said Lionel, looking down and +mumbling, as if it was with difficulty that he squeezed out the answer. +"Now, you know, I have heard," he added, speaking more freely, "I have +heard people make fun with a text or a name out of the Bible many a +time; and though that is very bad of them, I think they don't mean much +harm by it. Indeed, I have now and then done it myself, and should +oftener, if I had not known how you hated it." + +"It is a very wrong thing," but I see what you mean,--that some people +do it from want of thought." + +"Yes, just so; but that is a very different thing from almost quizzing +the whole Bible,--at least talking as if it was an absurd thing to +accept the whole of it, I do declare, Marian, he was worse when he began +to praise it than he was before; for he talked of the Old Testament as +if it was just like the Greek mythology, and then he compared it to +Homer, and Æschylus, and the Koran. To be sure he did say it was +better poetry and morality; but the idea of comparing it! I don't mean +comparing as if it must be better, but as if it stood on the same +ground." + +"And did Elliot listen to all this?" said Marian, thinking the poison +must have been in rather too intellectual a form for Elliot. + +"He listened," said Lionel. "I don't think he would ever set up to say +such things for himself; but I believe he rather liked hearing them +said. I am quite sure this Faulkner will make him worse than he is +already, for all this talk is a hundred times worse than going on in +Elliot's way." + +"To be sure it is--a thousand times!" + +"But what I want to know is this, Marian? has Caroline got any notion +of what sort of a man she has got? Because if she does it with her eyes +open, it can't be helped; but if not, I think she ought to be warned; +for I don't suppose the man is fool enough to talk in this way to her. +Indeed, I think I heard him say that believing is all very well for +women." + +"Why don't you tell her, then?" + +"That is the very thing I had on my mind all these holidays; but I know +no one would ever listen to me. If Walter was here it would be a very +different thing, for he is worth attending to, and Caroline knows that; +though she thinks I have no sense at all but for mischief." + +"She could not think so, if she heard you speak as you do now." + +"Then there is another thing, Marian, and what makes it quite--at least +very nearly out of the question; I don't believe they in the least +reckoned on my hearing all this. You know the man is very good-natured; +well, he took me up to go instead of his servant, and I was sitting +back to back with them. I sometimes think my bad eyes have made my ears +sharper, for I know I often hear when other people don't; and so I +should not expect they supposed in the least that I was attending, +though I did not miss a word, for I could not help hearing. Now, you +see, I could not possibly go and betray him; and if you were not the +safest person in the world, I would never have told you: only, if +somebody could just give Caroline a hint that she is going to marry an +infidel, it would be a pleasant thing." + +"A pleasant thing!" repeated Marian. Then she paused, considering, and +Lionel waited patiently while she did so, "I see," she said at last, +"that you could hardly tell her of this conversation; and after all, +Lionel, I believe we knew what was quite as bad of him from the first: +this only proves it a little more fully." + +"Did you?" + +"Yes, Lord Marchmont told me something of it; and I mentioned it to +Caroline before he came here at all." + +"O, that is right!" said Lionel, greatly relieved, "then it is no +concern of mine; though what can possess Caroline, I can't think. Is it +love, I wonder?" + +"I suppose so," said Marian, sighing. + +"Well, it is a queer thing," said the boy. "I should have thought +Caroline was one to care about such matters more than I, but perhaps she +means to convert him. So! I did think Caroline was good for something, +but it is no affair of mine; and I shall be all the more glad to get off +to New Zealand to be out of the sight of it all." + +"It is very sad indeed!" said Marian. "I am sure it will be nothing but +wretchedness. Caroline can blind herself now, but that will not go on." + +"And why can't you speak to her, and stop her? She used to mind you. +Does she come and talk about this man as if he was perfection?" + +"No," was the sorrowful reply. "She knew from the first my opinion of +him, and we never have any talks now. We never have had one since she +was first engaged." + +"Whew!" whistled Lionel. "Then she does mean to go and do it, and no +mistake! Then I've done with her, and shan't think about her any more +than I can help. If she won't be warned, she must Lave her own way, and +may marry the Grand Turk, if she likes it better." He whistled again, +proposed a ride, and went to order the horses; while Marian, walking +slowly to the house to prepare, did not so much grieve for Caroline, +for that was an old accustomed sorrow, as marvel at the manner in which +Lionel had spoken, and wonder where he had learnt the right views and +excellent sense he had displayed. Far was she from guessing the value of +such a steady witness to the truth as she had been from the first hour +when Lionel had perceived and maintained "that she had no humbug in +her;" how her cares for her brother had borne fruit in him; how he +learnt from her to reverence goodness, and cleave to the right; and +how he looked up to her, because her words were few, and her deeds +consistent. More right in theory, than steady in practice was Lionel; +very unformed, left untrained by those whose duty it was to watch him; +but the seeds had been sown, and be his future life what it might, it +could not but bear the impress of the years she had spent in the same +family. + +She knew nothing of all this; she only thought, as she watched his +quick, bounding run, that he, the least regarded, was the flower of the +flock, with principles as good as Walter's, and so much more manly and +active. For Marian, with all her respect for Walter, could not help +wishing, like the boys, that he had more life and spirit, and less +timidity. A little mental courage would, she thought, have brought him +to expostulate with Caroline, instead of keeping out of the way, and +leaving her to her fate. Edmund would not have done so. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + "It's hame, and it's hame, and it's hame." + + Cunningham. + + +Edmund and Gerald had promised to spend a few days at Oakworthy, before +the one returned to Portsmouth and the other to Eton; but their plans +were disconcerted by an event which, as Clara said, placed Marian in +mourning in good earnest, namely, the death of her great aunt, old Mrs. +Jessie Arundel, who had always lived at Torquay. For the last four or +five years she had been almost imbecile, and so likely to die at any +time, that, as it seemed for that very reason, every one took her death +as a surprise when it really happened. + +Edmund thought it right that both he and Gerald should attend her +funeral. Lord Marchmont, whose wife stood in the same relationship to +her, met them in London, and they all went together to Torquay, instead +of making the intended visit to Oakworthy. Gerald was obliged to return +to Eton on the following day, without coming to Oakworthy; but, to make +up for it, he wrote to his Writer from Torquay, and his letter ended +thus,--"Now I have a capital bit of news for you. Old aunt Jessie has +done what I shall venerate her for ever after--left every scrap of her +property to Edmund, except a legacy or two to her servants, a picture of +my father to me, and some queer old-fashioned jewels to you and Selina. +The will was made just after I was born; so it was to make up to Edmund +for my cutting him out of Fern Torr. You may suppose how Lord Marchmont +and I shook hands with him. It is somewhere about £20,000; there is +good news for you! He is executor, and has got to be here a day or two +longer; but Lord Marchmont and I set off by the first train to-morrow. I +shall look out for Lionel, tell him, in case he is too blind to see me. +Can't you come with him to the station, and have one moment's talk?" + +This proved to be possible; and Marian, in the interval between the +coming of the post and the setting off, had time, all the hurry of her +dressing, to wonder if she ought to be very much rejoiced. She did not +believe, that even wealth could spoil Edmund, but she did not think all +this would be of much use to him. It did not give him a home, and in +fact she thought it rather a creditable thing to be as poor as he had +hitherto been. She had rather have heard of something to make him look +less like Tressilian, than he had done the last time she had seen him. + +She had a pleasant drive with Lionel, who was very glad of any good luck +befalling Mr. Arundel, and presently, after some meditation, broke out +as follows:--"My eyes! what miles and miles it would buy in Australia" +and then proceeded to talk all the rest of the way about Australian +bulls. + +The meeting at the station was a bright one, though so short, as +scarcely to be worth the journey, if the value of such moments were to +be reckoned by their number. There was Lord Marchmont to be spoken to, +as well as Gerald, which broke into the time. Gerald looked very happy +and pleasant. He said Edmund was the best fellow in the world, and that +he had been very happy--shot lots of things--he wished he could stop to +tell about it. Then Marian hurried what she had to say, while Lionel was +looking after his luggage. "Gerald, would you just try if you can do +anything to spare Lionel's eyes? When you have the same things to do, +could you not read to him, or something? they seem so much worse, and I +am so afraid." + +"I'll try," said Gerald, "but I don't think I can do much, and he will +never give in." + +The bell rang--Lionel ran up--she wished them good-bye, and drove home, +happier than when last she parted there from Gerald, wondering what had +happened in his journey with Edmund, and re-assured, by his free cordial +tone. She took up a book and read all the way home. + +The next thing that was heard of Edmund was in a note to Mr. Lyddell, +saying that he should come and spend one night at Oakworthy, on his way +to Portsmouth; that he hoped to arrive about one o'clock, and that +he should bring Marian her aunt's legacy of the jewels. This was +communicated to her by Mrs. Lyddell, and she could not discover from +whence he wrote; she supposed from London, unless he was still detained +in Devonshire. She looked forward greatly to his coming, as there was +so much to hear about Gerald; and she felt, as if she wanted something +pleasant, very much indeed; for, now that Lionel was gone, she found +what a companion, interest, and occupation he had been, and missed +him very much. The constraint with all the others, except Clara, +was wearisome: and Clara, though never ceasing to talk, and very +affectionately, was anything but a companion, while poor Caroline kept +more than ever aloof, and had a flightiness of spirits--a sort of +gaiety of manner--which, to Marian, seemed to be assumed. This was more +especially the case, after there was an idea of fixing the marriage for +some time in the autumn, and arrangements were talked over. Marian began +to have little doubt that she was secretly unhappy, and grew more and +more tender in feeling towards her; while, by an effect of contraries, +her manner became more frigid and severe, in proportion to the warmth +within. + +Clara wondered a little what Mr. Arundel was coming for, and laughed and +looked significant when Marian said she knew perfectly well; but Marian +thought she knew so thoroughly as not to be in the least disconcerted, +though Clara's glances were full upon her when he was announced. In he +came, just at luncheon time; he shook hands with Marian with all his +might, and one glance convinced her that he had not Tressilian's +face--nay, that though the sun of Africa had left its traces, he was +more like the Edmund of the olden time, than she had ever seen him since +her father's death. There were a good many people at luncheon that day. +Mr. Faulkner was there, and there were some visitors staying in the +house. Edmund was a good way from her, and she could only hear his voice +now and then in the buzz; but it was a very pleasant sound to hear, and +when he laughed, it was his own natural, free, gay laugh, such as it +used to be. She was sure he was very happy, and wondered if it was +possible Aunt Jessie's fortune could have made him so, or whether it +could all be the satisfaction of having set Gerald to rights. + +As they rose to leave the dining room, he came to her, saying, "Marian, +can you have a walk with me?" + +"Oh, yes, I should like it of all things; I will be ready in one +minute." And away she bounded, saying to Caroline, in the boldest and +most innocent manner in the world, as if on purpose to show that she +expected nothing, and would not be laughed at, that Edmund had asked her +to walk with him. He waited for her in the hall, and they went out, she +scarcely pausing till they were on the steps, to say, "Well, how did you +get on with Gerald? I am sure you made him very happy." + +"We got on famously. He is a very nice fellow; he only wanted a little +stimulus the right way. He is thoroughly open and candid, and I have no +fear but that he will do very well." + +Marian could not speak for joy, and for gratitude to her cousin; and +her heart throbbing with delight, she walked on, waiting for him to say +something more on this most precious of all tidings. But when he spoke +again, it was if he had done with the subject of Gerald. "Marian, I +have something to tell you," He paused--she stood in suspense--he began +again. "Marian, I am going to be married!" + +"O!" and the inquiring, joyful, wondering, confident tone of that O, is +what nothing can ever convey. Her eyes were turned full on him with the +same eager curiosity, the same certainty, that he could not do other +than the best. He did not speak; but the half smile on his lip was a +full though mute reply to her confidence, that she had only to hear, in +order to rejoice with all her heart; and he held out a note directed to +her, in Agnes' writing! + +Marian took it, but she was too wild, too delighted, too eager to look +at him, and hear him, to be able to open it. "O Edmund!" was what she +said now, and she caught hold of his hand for an ecstatic shake. + +"Yes, thank you, yes. I said I must tell you myself, Marian--my sister." + +"O, I never heard anything more delightful in my life," said Marian, +with a sort of gasp, as soon as the overwhelming delight gave her +breath. "O, Edmund, Edmund!" + +"You have not read her note yet." + +Marian tore it open, but there was scarcely any thing to read; it was +only-- + + "Dearest Marian,--He will have a note to carry you, + but I can't say anything for bewilderment. I know he will + tell you all about it, so it is of no use my writing. Are + not you sorry he should have a wife so far from good enough + for him? + + "Your affectionate and most amazed + + "AGNES." + +Marian held it up to him, smiling. "But of course you have seen it?" + +"No, I have not; I suppose she thought I should not carry such +nonsense." + +"Well, I am sure there is no other person in all the wide world that I +could have thought good enough for you. Agnes! Agnes! O, Edmund, I wish +there was any way of not being quite choked with gladness!" + +Edmund smiled, and perhaps he was "choked with gladness" beyond the +power of speech; for the two cousins only proceeded to shake hands +again. The next thing that was said was after an interval. "Marian, you +remember our bargain six years ago? Have you grown so very fond of the +Lyddells as to repent of it?" + +"O, Edmund, you have not thought of that?" + +"Have not we? It was one of the first things we did think of." + +"I don't think I can bear to hear of much more happiness," said Marian, +in almost a crying voice. "I am so glad for you that I can't be glad for +myself yet. I can't take it all in; it is too good to be true!" + +"Indeed it does seem so. But you agree? Agnes said I must make you agree +first of all." + +"Don't I? Only I want to enjoy it for you,--it is so beyond everything!" + +"Well, wasn't I a wise man to say I would not miss the pleasure of +telling you myself?" + +"Then do tell me; do let us be rational, if we can. Then you came here +from Fern Torr?" + +"Yes. Did you not know that?" + +"No. I did not hear where you wrote from. How long were you there?" + +"I only went on Wednesday." + +"Then it was only one whole day! How much you must have had to settle!" + +"So much, that we settled scarcely anything." + +"Then you don't know when it is to be?" + +"No, and Mrs. Wortley talks of having time,--poor Mrs. Wortley, but I +don't think I shall take her away far; I have some notion of looking out +for some place close at hand." + +"Just what we settled long ago. But O! begin and tell me all, +Edmund,--as much as you like to tell me, at least. I want to know how +you first came to think of it." Then, as he smiled, she added, "I mean, +how long you have been thinking of it." + +"If you mean how long with any hope, only since I knew of good aunt +Jessie's consideration for me. How long it has been in my mind I cannot +tell; certainly before I went to Africa. You see, Marian," he continued, +as if he was apologising, "it was this which made me think it advisable +for me to go, though, as I see now, it was not at all good for Gerald." + +"What,--you mean--I am not sure that I understand--" + +"Don't you see, Marian, feeling as I did, and knowing how out of +the question it was for a penniless man like me, to think of +marrying,--Agnes so young too, and I with everything to draw me to what +had been my only home,--there was nothing to be done but to keep out +of the way, to guard me against myself; and that was easier with seas +between. I don't know whether I did right or not, but I hoped I did, +because it cost me something; yet it was a forsaking of Gerald which +might have done much harm, though I hope it has not, as it has turned +out." + +"I see it all!" said Marian, resting there, because she had not a word +with which to express her honour of his noble conduct. + +"You will forgive me now," he added, with a smile, "for what you thought +my neglect of home." + +"I am only afraid I must often have given you a great deal of pain," she +almost whispered. + +"Never, except when I thought it right to silence you. It was only too +delightful to hear their very names. You might well tell me that she had +grown prettier than ever." + +On talked and walked the cousins, over the downs, which had certainly +never been trodden by happier people. At last they recollected that they +must return, if they wished to be in time for the post, and retraced +their steps, talking as eagerly as ever. As they were coming near the +house, Marian said, "Does Gerald know?" + +"Not yet; I shall write to him to-morrow." + +"Is it to be a secret? Of course I should say nothing about it while you +are here, but may I mention it afterwards?" + +"They said nothing about secrecy," said Edmund; "in fact I think +attempting it, only results in making one look foolish. Yes, you are +welcome to tell whom you please as soon as I am out of the way. I had +rather the Lyddells know." + +"Very well; indeed, I don't think I can keep it to myself, it is too +much joy." + +"Do you expect them to participate in your pleasure at making your +escape from them?" + +"There is no one to miss me, except, perhaps, Lionel, a little, when his +eyes are bad. Caroline would once have cared, but that is over now, poor +thing! There never was a time when I should have been more glad to get +away. O, Edmund, if you would do one thing to oblige me, it would be, +to have your wedding the same day as Caroline's, that I might not be +obliged to be at it." + +"At which?" + +"O, you know!" + +"Is it such a very bad affair?" + +"O, I am very much grieved about it. The man has no religion at all, you +know; at least, if he has any, it is all natural religion,--anything but +the truth." + +"Do you really mean that the family have accepted him, allowed this to +go on, knowing such things of him?" + +"I don't know how far they see it. I don't think they allow it to +themselves, and I don't think they would understand some of it; as, for +instance, when I heard him talking the other day as if he assumed that +Christianity was only a development of people's tendency to believe,--as +fleeting as other forms of faith. It was not very broadly stated, and +I don't think I should have seen it, if it had not chimed in with +something I had read; and, besides, I knew what was in the man." + +"How do you know? Not from your own observation?" + +"O, no, no; I liked him at first. I could have liked him very much, if +Lord Marchmont had not told me about him, and then I had the key to +him." + +"And this poor Miss Lyddell?" + +"She knew what I did," said Marian, sadly. "But he is very +agreeable,--at least he is thought so,--and they all admired him so +much, and paid such court to him, that--Yet I did think better things of +Caroline. Lionel is the only one who has found him out, and he thinks of +it just as I do, O, Edmund, I am sure you would like Lionel." + +"How are his eyes?" asked Edmund, as they were coming under the portico, +and could not talk of any of the more delicate subjects. "I thought +Gerald gave a very bad account of them; indeed, I scarcely expected that +he could have gone back to Eton." + +"I sometimes think," almost whispered Marian, "that it is not he, poor +boy, whose eyes are the worst in the house; but Mrs. Lyddell's head has +been so full of Johnny, and Caroline, and all she has to do, that she +will not see anything amiss with Lionel." + +"He must be a boy of a great deal of resolution and principle, to have +struggled on as he has clone, by Gerald's account. Ah! I meant to have +told you about Gerald, but all our time is gone." + +"Never mind, we can talk of him in the evening. There is a corner of +mine where I always get out of the way of the people, and where I +have had many a nice talk with Walter, or Lionel, under cover of Miss +Grimley's music. Now where do you like to write your letter? If you had +not rather do it in your own room, there is a nice quiet place in +the old school-room, where I write mine, when the drawing-room is +uninhabitable." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, partly because he was just so shy of +letting his own handwriting be seen in the address, that he meant to +avail himself of Marian's cover. Just as Marian had finished a note, too +joyous to have any sense in it, and containing a promise to write more +sensibly to-morrow, had directed the cover, and told her cousin that +he must wind up if he meant to catch the post, Clara opened the door, +gazed, laughed, and was retiring in haste, when Marian, without a shade +of the confusion Clara had hoped for, called her back. "Edmund came here +to write a note," she said, "don't go away." + +Edmund made some demonstration about intruding, and wrote the +conclusion, at which nothing but some interruption would have made him +arrive, put it into the envelope, gave it face downwards to Marian, +and departed. Now Mrs. Lyddell and Clara were both persuaded that Mr. +Arundel had come for no other purpose than to propose to Marian; and +they had been entertaining themselves during their drive with conversing +on the subject; so that Clara was never more surprised and puzzled in +her life than by seeing Marian stand there, smiling, and with beaming +eyes, brighter than ever she had looked before, but without one particle +of a blush,--white-faced as ever, only dancing first on one foot, then +on the other, balancing her bonnet on one hand, and with the other +holding the precious letter. + +"Well, Marian!" + +"Well!" Marian made a pirouette. "I must run and put this letter in the +box." And so saying, away she ran down stairs, up again in a second; +then meeting the astonished Clara at the head of the stairs, she took +her round the waist, and fairly waltzed her to her own door, opened it, +threw herself into a chair, exclaimed, "I beg your pardon, Clara; you'll +think me mad, but I'll tell you all about it to-morrow." + +Fanny was present, so Clara could do nothing but stare; and lateness, +and a dinner-party necessitating a hasty toilette, she retreated, while +Marian contained her raptures as best she could, and meditated on the +delightful life she was to lead with Agnes and Edmund, in some cottage +on the borders of Fern Torr. O happiness, such as she had never +known, which seemed to bring back as much of her home as could ever +return,--which would be everything for Gerald! Every care gone, Edmund +happy, Gerald satisfactory, her own exile at an end. Her head almost +swain round with happiness, and she wanted to turn to the glass, to +persuade herself that she could be the same Marian Arundel, wide awake, +and yet so very, very happy. + +However, it was all future, as far as concerned herself; and that cares +were in the world she was convinced, by her own pang at seeing Caroline, +whom she overtook on her way down stairs. She had no disposition to +whirl _her_ round; but there was a softened feeling, belonging perhaps +to the fulness of her own joy, that made her, as she came up with her, +put her arm round her, as she had now and then walked with her in former +days. Caroline looked in her face, and drew the arm closer without +speaking. Their faces had always been unlike, but the contrast was +stronger than ever. Marian, with those pale, regular features, plain +dark hair, black eyes and eyebrows, with her mourning dress, and yet +with a radiant, irrepressible joy and buoyancy all round and about her; +while Caroline, with her small pretty features, rosy colour, blue eyes, +glossy curls, her pink dress and gold bracelets, was in general air very +different, and in countenance how much more; for the eyes were restless, +the smile came rather as if it was called, than as if it resided +naturally on her lip,--the colour of her cheeks, though bright, looked +fixed and feverish; and now and then, there was a quiver about the whole +face. How different from the secure expression of happiness, now and +then illuminated, as it were, with some sudden flash of secret joy, +which sat on Marian's broad, serene brow. + +They entered the drawing-room together, and from that time Marian was +outwardly her own stiff, distant self, till the promised time in the +evening, when Edmund made his way to her in her corner, where he was +greeted by a most sunny look. "Now for Gerald," said she. + +Edmund had a great deal to tell about Gerald. He thought him, on the +whole, a very nice, amiable, right-minded boy, who only wanted more +training and watching than Mr. Lyddell would or could give. He had, +after a time, been brought to be entirely open and confiding; and this, +for which Edmund seemed to be really grateful to him, and to admire him, +was the great point, he had made Edmund a friend, instead of looking at +him as a guardian,--found that he could sympathize, and had ended by +trusting and consulting him. Marian, though wondering how the reserve +had ever been, conquered, felt the relief of knowing that all was safe +now, and was not hurt by his confiding in any one but herself. Edmund +really thought it was safe. "I believe I know the worst of him now, poor +fellow," he said, smiling, "and the worst is not much. He has been going +on in a careless, thoughtless way, out of high spirits and imitation, a +good deal, and the consciousness made him keep back from you; he owns +that, and is very sorry." + +"Does he? dear Gerald!" + +"He seemed to feel deeply that he had neglected you; but he said, and +very truly, how much there had been against him,--no one, as he said, to +make him mind; and the fellows would have laughed at him, if they had +found out that he attended to his sister." + +"Ah! Johnny sowed that mischief long ago!" + +"I hope it is not weakness. I do not think it is; for there was +manliness in confessing all, and he seemed to feel the folly strongly." + +"Did he tell you about the debts?" + +"Yes, and of his own accord. They are nothing in themselves; but he has +been allowed too much money, has had little warning, and his title was +against him too. So if we can break off the habit of extravagance, there +is no great harm done. After all, you know, he is very young, and +there is plenty of time to form his character. I am sure he has good +dispositions of every kind, and if he has but resolution, he will be +sure to do well," + +"I think there is resolution in his temper. Nothing shakes him when his +mind is once made up." + +So Marian was very well satisfied on the whole about her brother, and +she might justly be so by Edmund's account. There was nothing to disturb +her happiness, and she only doubted whether she should be able to sleep +for it. Her brother restored, as well as everything else! + +When bed-time came, Mrs. Lyddell looked at her, as if expecting +something more to be said than "good night," but nothing came,--nothing +but the dancing light in the eyes. Clara followed her to the room, and +stood gazing at her. "Why, Marian," at last she said, "can't you tell me +anything about it?" + +"No; not till to-morrow." + +"O, that is too bad, Marian, when you heard all I had to tell directly." + +"I can't help it; I am not at liberty to tell other people's affairs." + +"Don't look so grand, Marian, pray. I am sure I thought this was your +own." + +"So it is in a way." + +"In a way? Why, Marian, what an extraordinary girl you are! not your own +affair! Well, if you are impenetrable, I can't help it; but it is not +kind, when we all want to congratulate you." + +"Stop, stop, Clara!" exclaimed Marian, and now she did blush, "will you +be satisfied if I tell you that it is not what you suppose? You shall +hear what it is to-morrow, and then you will see what nonsense you have +been talking." + +"What?" cried Clara, "you are not--" + +"Don't say it, pray don't! Never was any one further from it. Now do +go to bed, Clara, for I cannot tell you a word more, and keep your +curiosity at rest for to-night." + +Marian took care not to be caught alone by Clara before breakfast the +next morning, and almost immediately after breakfast, Edmund departed. +Marian had been out into the hall with him to exchange some last words, +and Mrs. Lyddell, meantime, was observing to Caroline that she never +knew anything so strange; she thought it was due to herself, however +unpleasant it might be, to claim some confidence from Miss Arundel, on +such matters, while living under her care. Marian came back, however, +with her innocent look of delight,--a look so unlike the bashfulness of +a damsel in love, that Mrs. Lyddell felt again doubtful; and before she +could speak, Marian had turned to Clara and said, "Now I will tell you +what makes me so happy. Edmund and Agnes Wortley are engaged, and I am +to go and live with them." + +"Miss Wortley!" at once exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell and her daughters, in the +extremity of surprise; and then Mrs. Lyddell and Clara asked all the +usual questions in haste and eagerness, wondering within themselves most +of all at Marian's full rejoicing, for till now they had never been +able to see that Edmund was really to her only like an elder brother. +Caroline scarcely spoke, only went on nervously with her work. At last, +when some interruption had caused her mother and Clara to leave the +room, she laid it down, looked at Marian for a moment or two, then said, +in a trembling voice, "Dear Marian, I am glad you are so happy! I am +glad you are to live with them!" then kissed her, and hastened away +before she could answer or return the caress. Her handkerchief was +raised as she closed the door. Marian sat and grieved, for well did she +know all poor Caroline conveyed by that "I am glad you are to live with +them." It meant that Caroline felt that she had given up the esteem and +friendship in which they had lived,--that she thought her own home unfit +for one brought from such a sphere as Fern Torr,--that she resigned all +those plans for Clara's good, everything that had been valued between +them,--that she looked not for happiness for herself, and though she +had forfeited such affection as once had been hers, yet she still loved +Marian. How could Marian rejoice so much, when such a fate was waiting +for Caroline? Poor Caroline! she contrasted her feelings with those of +Agnes, grieved again over her, and ended by blaming herself for all the +coldness and severity of the last six weeks, requited as it was by so +much kind, fond affection. + +Yet Caroline was weakly, wilfully doing wrong. How should she behave +rightly towards her? O, why would nothing happen to save her, and break +off this mockery of a marriage? But as of this there seemed little +hope,--as the Faulkners were at Oakworthy more than ever, and Mrs. +Lyddell was talking in good earnest of wedding clothes, and bridesmaids, +it was a comfort to have these better hopes to occupy herself with. + +Especially did she enjoy the idea of Gerald's rejoicing, and it was very +eagerly that she watched for his first letter of delight. It came as +soon as heart could wish; but so mixed are joy and grief in this world, +that even Gerald's letter could not convey unalloyed pleasure, but +filled her with a fresh anxiety,--or more properly, strengthened and +realized what had hitherto been but a vague terror. + + "Eton, Sept. 14th. + + "My dear Marian,--Never was anything better in this + world than Edmund's plans. I give him infinite credit for + them; and, as head of the family, he has my full consent. + I wish they would go and live at the Manor House + till I am of age,--that would be jolly! Lionel desires me + to tell you that it is all very well, except your going from + Oakworthy, and he shall go about the house like a mad + fury," (here followed his portrait in the character,) "if you + go before he is off after the blue wild beestes at the Cape. + His eyes are very bad, and I wish you would tell Mrs. + Lyddell about them; for I don't believe it is a bit of use + his staying here, and though I am very glad to help him, + doing all his work and my own too is more than I can stand. + It is much worse than last half; then he could see to read, + though it hurt him; now Greek or small print beats him entirely, + and he cannot look out a word in the Lexicon. He + does just manage to write, and he never forgets anything; + so another fellow and I have dragged him through, this + week. But it cannot go on so; and as he won't give up or + complain, I will have something done about it, or he will + blind himself outright before he has done. I cannot think + how it is my tutor has not found it out, but I suppose it is + that Lionel is so sharp, and has such a memory. Do speak + to Mrs. Lyddell. + + "Your affectionate brother, + + "E. GERALD ARUNDEL" + +Marian carried the letter at once to Mrs. Lyddell's dressing-room, but +she found that Gerald had been mistaken in supposing the tutor had not +observed Lionel's failing sight: for the same post had brought a letter +from him, which had at length completely alarmed Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, +and the former was going at once to write to his son to meet him in +London, where he intended to consult one of the first oculists. + +This was a great relief. Mr. Lyddell set off, and the party at home +comforted themselves with predictions that all would soon be remedied; +Marian and Clara agreeing that it would be very pleasant to have Lionel +at home to walk with them, and to be nursed. + +Mr. Lyddell had been gone about two days; Caroline and Clara were at +High Down, and Marian was returning from a solitary ramble in the park, +enjoying her last letter from Agnes, when, as she crossed the lawn, she +was startled by finding Lionel stretched on his face on the grass, just +at the turn where some bushes concealed him from the windows. He lay +flat, without his hat, his forehead resting on one arm; while with his +hand he tore up daisies and grass, and threw them hastily over his +shoulder, while his whole frame quivered in a convulsive agony of +distress. + +"Lionel! Lionel! you come home? What is the matter?" exclaimed she. + +"Matter! matter enough, I think," said, or rather muttered Lionel; +"There is an end of the Cape, or anything else." + +"How are your eyes?" asked Marian, in consternation. + +"Only I am blind for life!" answered Lionel; still hiding his face, and +speaking in a sullen, defiant tone. + +Marian, dreadfully shocked, almost beyond all power of speaking or +moving, could only drop down sitting on the grass beside him, and take +his hand. + +"All neglect, too," he added; then vehemently, "I don't believe, no I +don't, there is any pauper's son in the parish that would have been so +used!" + +Her voice was low with fright: "But, Lionel, what has happened? Let me +see you. Is it worse? can't you see?" + +"O yes, I can see now, after a fashion, at least, but that is soon to +go, they say, and then--They have done it themselves, and they may have +that satisfaction!" added he, with a fearful bitterness in his tone. +"Elections, and parliament, and dinners, and that Faulkner,--that is +what they have given my sight for." He withdrew his hand, and turned his +shoulder from Marian, as if resolute not to be comforted; and again he +shook with agony. + +"O, don't say such dreadful things, dear Lionel! O, if I could but do +anything for you!" she cried, in a tone of heartfelt grief, which seemed +to soften the poor boy a little; for he twisted round, so that his face, +still pillowed on one arm, was half raised to her, and she could see +how flushed it was, and that the eyelids were inflamed, though not +with tears, and the eyes themselves had not altered from their former +appearance. + +"'Tis not your fault," he said. "If my mother had cared for me one +quarter--" + +"Don't blame anybody, pray!" interrupted Marian: "it only makes it +worse. Only tell me all about it. Did the occulist say--" + +"Not to me," answered Lionel; "not the worst, at least. He examined my +eyes very closely, and asked me all manner of questions about what I +could see, and what I could not, and what things hurt them, and how long +it had been going on, and how I had been using them. Then he told me +that it was impossible for him to do anything for them as yet, till the +disease had made more progress; that most likely I should quite lose my +sight this winter, and then I must come to him again. So that was bad +enough, but I could have made up my mind to that, and they sent me away. +Then it seems that, after I was gone, he went on about it to papa, and +told him that the mischief had been brewing time out of mind, and some +time ago it might have been stopped; but all that straining of my eyes +at Eton, last half, had done immense harm, and confirmed the disease; +and it is of a kind that--that--there is no cure for!" He buried his +face again. + +"Did Mr. Lyddell tell you this?" + +"No, he only told me we were to go home directly, and wrote to Gerald to +send my things from Eton. He hardly spoke a word all the way,--only led +me about, and poked me in and out of the carriage, as if I was +blind already; it put me almost in a rage. Then as soon as we came +home,--about half an hour ago, I should think,--he told it all straight +out to my mother, did not mince matters, I assure you: indeed, I believe +they both forgot I was there. They are apt to forget me, you know. He +regularly stormed about the neglect, and told her it was all her fault; +and while this was going on, I found I had heard the worst, and I did +not want to be pitied, so I came out here. And so there is the whole +story for you, Marian, and a pretty one it is! A fine sort of life I +shall have instead--" + +"Well but, Lionel," cried Marian, eagerly, "are you sure that be said +_for certain_ that it was hopeless? for it seems so odd that he should +have told you one thing, and Mr. Lyddell another." + +"Pshaw! I suppose he had got some consideration, and did not want to +knock me down with the worst at once." + +"I should think it was more comfortable to know the worst at once!" said +Marian, meditatively, "so as to be able to settle one's mind to it." + +"A pretty thing to settle one's mind to," said Lionel, "to know I must +be a good-for-nothing, dependent wretch all my days! As well be a woman, +or an idiot at once! There, I shall never see that tree green again; no, +and spring--I have seen my last of that! and I may look my last at all +your faces. Johnny I shall never see again." + +Ho was crying bitterly now,--almost choking with tears; and Marian's +were flowing too. She was much distressed at the present moment; for +though the weeping was likely to relieve him, she feared it might be +doing harm to his eyes, and she did not know in the least whether it +ought to be checked, or, indeed, how to check it. Grieved and in great +consternation she was, in truth, for she was very fond of Lionel, +and full of such strong sympathy and compassion, as to be perfectly +incapable of expressing it, in the slightest degree. But he knew her; +she had been the only person who had ever been uneasy about his +sight, and this went for a great deal with him: so that, with all her +undemonstrativeness, there was no one whom he could have liked so well +to have near him in that moment of dire despair. "O, I am so sorry!" +expressed infinitely more than the simple words. + +"You see, Marian," said he, raising himself, and struggling with the +sobs of which he was ashamed, "I could bear it better if I had not had +such a scheme for my life, and my father consenting too. Australia, and +those wild cattle, and that glorious Bush life, always galloping in the +plains; and now to be condemned to be moping about here, for ever, in +darkness and helplessness. O, to think of the plans we have made, all +come to an end for ever!" and again he was weeping violently. + +"They might have been stopped otherwise," said Marian, catching at any +possible idea that might answer, or seem to console him; "you know you +might have been ill, or met with an accident, and had a great deal to +suffer." + +"I would suffer anything rather than lose my eyesight! You don't know +what you are talking of." + +"Then just suppose this complaint had come on, in some lonely place out +in the wilds, with no one to take care of you." + +"It would not, I should have had no Greek to put my eyes out." + +"And after all, dear Lionel, you know----;" there she was choked--"you +know that--" and she was choked again--"you know where it comes from." + +"I know what you mean," he said; "and if it did--But it is my mother's +neglect; there is the bitterness of it. Why, you and my father tried to +stir her up to it in the spring, and she would not; and then, when for +very shame she must attend, what does she do but let me go muddling on +with that old woman Wells! She has regularly thrown my sight away, as +much as if she had pulled my eyes out and thrown them over the hedge." + +"No one could ever have guessed--" + +"I tell you she might have guessed. Any other mother in the world would +have been frightened years ago, long before I went to school. If it had +been Elliot or Johnny, wouldn't she have had half the doctors in London? +but what did she ever trouble her head about _me?_" + +"Now, Lionel, that must not be said. You know it is wrong, and I am sure +you will see how sorry she is, and how it was really not having time." + +"I dare say she is sorry--I should hope so--now it is too late, and she +has done it." + +"But why will you accuse any one?" said Marian, sorely perplexed, and +secretly sharing all his indignation against Mrs. Lyddell. "You know it +only embitters you and makes it all worse; and after all, even if man +had actually done the mischief, it still would ultimately be sent from +Heaven." + +"I don't see that that makes it any better," murmured Lionel. + +"O don't you, Lionel?" said she earnestly; "doesn't it make you sure it +is for the best?" + +"I don't know what I have done to be so punished," went on Lionel to +himself; "I have not always been good, but I have tried, and more +lately, to do right; there are many much less steady than I, who--" + +"Yes, yes, Lionel, but perhaps it is not as good for them to be +prosperous. Indeed, indeed I am quite sure, though I don't understand it +all, or see the way, that if you will but bear it rightly, you will be +glad, if not before, yet at least when you die, even of this terrible +affliction." + +"I almost wish I was dying now!" said Lionel gloomily, "if I could but +die the last day that I am to see the sky and everything, instead of +droning on in the dark, a burthen to myself and every one else, for +I don't know how long, forty, fifty, sixty years perhaps. You know, +Marian, I am only sixteen--" + +There was a burst of tears again, and Marian felt herself an +unsuccessful comforter, nor did she wonder at it, for she could not +fancy that anything could relieve the sense of such a misfortune as poor +Lionel's, except the really high source of consolation, and that as yet +only by faith, which might make him take it on trust as the best in the +end, though for the present he must feel all the misery. She had no time +to answer him again, for the garden door opened, and at the sound he +dashed away his tears, sprang to his feet, and assumed a firm, cold, +would-be indifferent look, as Mrs. Lyddell came out and advanced towards +them. Marian thought her looking flushed and agitated, and her voice +certainly betrayed more emotion than had ever been shown in it, except +when bidding Johnny farewell. + +"Lionel, my dear, sitting on the damp grass? You will certainly catch +cold! I have been searching for you everywhere, but I am glad you were +with Marian. I wanted to ask you, my dear, whether you would like to +have your own room or Walter's," added she, wandering on as if anxious +to say what was kindest, yet dreading to come to the subject nearest +their hearts. + +"My own, thank you," bluntly answered Lionel, "I'll and unpack." He +brushed hastily by her, and ran into the house up stairs, his roughness +contrasting with her affectionate tone. She looked at Marian, and saw +the trace of tears on her eyelids, and her own lip quivered while her +eyes filled, and she said in a trembling voice, "Poor dear boy! has he +been telling you? Does he know it all?" + +"Yes," said Marian, anxiously, "but is it really so very bad? Is there +no hope?" + +"No hope? Who said so?" exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell quickly. + +"He did," said Marian; "he said Mr. Lyddell told you so." + +"Was he there?" exclaimed she: "Ah! that was Mr. Lyddell's strong way of +putting things! So unfortunate--forgetting all about him. Poor fellow! I +must go to him directly, and tell him it was no such thing." + +"What? how? O do tell me!" cried Marian, turning and hurrying with her, +and speaking with, such earnestness that Mrs. Lyddell could not doubt of +her sympathy now. She slackened her pace, and explained that what the +surgeon, had said was, that there was confirmed disease, and of a very +serious character, but the precise nature could not be ascertained till +it had made greater progress, and it was then possible that it might +prove capable of removal. + +Mrs. Lyddell was resolved that neither herself nor any one else should +believe anything but what was most hopeful. She could not have borne +it otherwise. She really was far from being indifferent to any of her +children, though multiplicity of occupation, and thoughts, engaged on +what she considered the welfare of the family, had prevented her +from being properly attentive to all, and she was so accustomed to +uninterrupted prosperity, as to have almost forgotten that there was +such a thing as anxiety or misfortune. Lionel, neither the eldest nor +the youngest, healthy, and independent, neither remarkable for beauty +nor grace, just unruly enough to be provoking, and just steady enough to +be no cause of anxiety, had been as much a cipher in the family as a One +lively boy could be; but though slow to be roused into anxiety, she felt +it with full force when it came, all the motherly affection, which while +secure had appeared dormant, revived, she was dreadfully shocked, and +would have been utterly overwhelmed by the accusation of neglect, had it +not been for her sanguine spirit. In this temper she represented all to +Marian in the most cheering light, and hastened up stairs to do the same +to Lionel. Marian, relieved and hopeful, was waiting to collect some +properties of hers, to carry to her room, when she met Mr. Lyddell. She +went up to greet him, and thinking that he looked very mournful, there +was more cordiality and fellow-feeling in her way of addressing him than +ever there had been before, though she simply said "Good morning" and +shook hands. + +"You have heard about it, Marian?" said he. "Has he been with you, poor +fellow?" + +"Yes," said Marian, "he is in his own room now." + +"Ah! you spoke long ago," said Mr. Lyddell; "I wish we had attended to +you." + +"It was Edmund who remarked it," said she. + +"Ay, ay, and senseless it was not to attend. Then it seems that +something might have been done, at any rate he would not have gone on +injuring them with his work at Eton, but now it is as good as a lost +case. Poor fellow!" + +"O!" exclaimed Marian, thrown back again, "I thought there was a hope +that it might not prove to be the worst." + +"There is just a shade of chance that it may turn out otherwise, and +that, your mother--Mrs. Lyddell I mean--takes hold of, but I have not +the slightest hope. The surgeon said, it had all the appearance of a +confirmed case, such as cannot be removed." + +Marian stood aghast, and Mr. Lyddell, with a sort of groan, most painful +to hear, passed her, and shut himself into his study. The only thing she +could think of doing, was to pour out her dismay and compassion in a +letter to Gerald, and she repaired to the schoolroom for the purpose of +writing, but she had not been there long, before Lionel came in, and sat +down astride on the music-stool, just as he used to do, but with a very +different expression of countenance from the wild, reckless spirit of +merriment which used to possess him. He sat and meditated for a little +while, then exclaimed, "Marian, whom have you seen since I left you?" + +"Nobody but Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell." + +"Did you hear papa say anything about it?" + +"Yes, a little." + +"Did he say what the doctor thought of it?" + +"Yes." + +"Tell me the very words," and he leant his elbows on the table, looking +at her fixedly. + +"Ah! Lionel, can you bear it? They are so very sad." + +"Tell me them, I say." + +Marian looked down, as if she could not bear to meet his countenance, +and faltered as she repeated them. + +"Ay!" said Lionel, springing up, and flinging himself round +passionately, "I knew it was humbug all the time!" + +"What? How? O Lionel, what have I done?" + +"As if I was a fool or a baby, to be fed with false hopes," proceeded +Lionel, sitting down, and hiding his face on his crossed arms on the +table; "she might have let that alone, she has done me mischief enough +already." + +"Lionel," said Marian, firmly and gravely, for she was really shocked at +his tone, "you must not come to me, if it is to speak in such a manner +of your mother." + +"Very well," said Lionel coldly, rising up to leave the room, then +pausing just as his hand was on the door, "I thought _you_ did feel for +me, Marian." + +"O Lionel, dear Lionel," and she sprang to him, to lead him back to his +seat, but he still retained his hold of the lock and would not move; +"you know"--her tears were flowing--"you know how I grieve for you; but +if you are in trouble, that ought not to make you do wrong," He was +turning the lock, and hardened his face, but Marian went on, "Don't go, +Lionel, only hear me. Mrs. Lyddell is very unhappy about you, and I am +sure you must see yourself, that if she blames herself for any want of +care, her only comfort must be in hoping for the best, making the most +of this little ray." + +"Then _you_ think there is a ray!" interrupted Lionel. + +"So far as that nothing is certain, but I am afraid it is so slight, +that you had much better not trust to it, but settle your mind to bear +whatever may come." + +"Very easy talking! If you had but to do it!" cried Lionel, impetuously +wrenching the door open in spite of her gentle resistance, and running +off determinately, leaving her, poor girl, in great despair, at having +so completely failed either in comforting, softening, or bringing him to +any kind of resigned feeling, having besides vexed him, made him think +her unkind; and though this was unintentional, and might be better for +him, just contradicted what his mother wished him to believe. + +Her distress was too great even for writing to Gerald, and she walked +up and down, thinking what to do, longing to find him some better +comforter, and offering up many a prayer for him, till at last she heard +Caroline and Clara come home, and remembering that happen what might, +she must dress for dinner, up she went, heavily and sorrowfully. + +As soon as she was dressed, she went to Clara's room, feeling that this +would be but kind. Clara was not there, and she hesitated whether to go +on to Caroline's, once her frequent resort. At that instant, however, +both sisters came up together, and hastened to her. "O Marian Marian!" +exclaimed Clara. + +"You know all about it, I suppose," said Caroline. + +"Yea, indeed I do." + +"Come in here," said Caroline opening her door; "I want to know about +him, poor fellow, and how he bears it. Have you seen anything of him?" + +Marian told all she could, without betraying what was confidential, and +did her best to soften Lionel's conduct, by which his sisters evidently +had been disappointed, saying that he had scarcely chosen to speak +to them. Marian explained what was on her mind, how she had, without +intending it, flatly contradicted Mrs. Lyddell's cheering assurances, +regretting it much, as injustice towards Mrs. Lyddell, but of this, +Caroline thought little. + +"Mamma is always sanguine," she said, "and it was only her colouring +that made Lionel think her account hopeful. It must be better for him, +poor fellow, to know the truth, than to have his mind unsettled with +vain hopes. O dear! O dear! how sad it is, and at his age too! It breaks +one's heart to think of it." + +All coldness and distance had left Caroline's manner in speaking to +Marian, and this was a great comfort, in the midst of their troubles. + +A very uncomfortable time it was, which thus commenced. Lionel was a +good boy on the whole, with right principles, and some seriousness of +mind, but he was far too undisciplined to meet patiently such a trial +as this. He had pride, and a high spirit, and this made him assume a +bearing, which was a good deal admired in the family, trying to carry +it off with a high hand, never openly uttering a word of complaint, and +seeming as if he would rather die than directly express the miserable +despairing feelings within, though, poor boy, he little knew how +evidently they showed themselves in his gloomy silence, his outbreaks of +temper, and his almost desperate, defiant spirit of independence. + +His father and mother, not understanding him in the least, managed, in +the revulsion of feeling which made him now the first object in the +family, to try his temper perpetually. He had in former times, missed +their demonstrations of affection, though healthy, high-spirited, and by +no means sentimental, the craving had been only occasional, he had done +very well without them, and had gained habits of freedom incompatible +with being petted. He had never been used to be interfered with, and +could not understand it at all; and that remembrance of past neglect +embittered all his feelings. + +Mr. Lyddell had just found out, as Marian had thought long ago, that +Lionel was the flower of his flock, the one of his sons, who alone +united spirit and steadiness, for the emigration scheme had shown a +degree of sense, enterprise, and consideration which had at the time +pleased and surprised him, and now added much to his sense of the +promise lost. He laid all the blame of the neglect on his wife, but he +did not lament it the less keenly. His extreme kindness and solicitude +for the boy, were, to those who compared them with his general +character, quite affecting, but unluckily they displayed themselves is a +way which harassed Lionel very much, for he treated him as if he fancied +him completely blind already, cautioned him, guided him, and looked +anxious, if he did but walk across the garden alone; whilst Lionel, +who could see quite well enough for all ordinary purposes, was teased, +reminded of his troubles, and vexed above measure by having notice +attracted to his defect of sight. + +In the main, however, he owned that his father was kind, and sorry for +him, though each particular instance annoyed him; but it was much worse +with his mother, for her petting was more minute, more constant, and +such as would have been worrying to any boy in full health, even if it +had not, as in poor Lionel's case, been connected with the dark future, +and with a past, which had sadly soured him against her. He was always +rough and morose with her, rebelling against her care, never wakening +into affection, or showing pleasure in what she proposed, though she +continued to press on him her attention, with uunwearied assiduity. + +His sisters were treated much in the same manner; Clara made him cross +with over care, and Caroline, though showing better judgment, and much +real tact and affection, was also kept at a distance, and often harshly +answered. Marian too, was quite sufficiently like a sister to come +in for many an unreasonable fit of rudeness, and temper when it was +perfectly impossible to find any means of pleasing him. + +Indeed such unoccupied days as his were in themselves a trial of good +humour. Idleness was very pleasant in the holidays, but his was too +active a spirit to bear it for long together, especially when it left +room for such anticipations as those for which his hopes of a Bush life +were exchanged, Yet he treated offers of reading to him as insults, and +far less would he endure to learn any occupation that might serve him +when his sight should be quite gone; he professed to hate music, and +lounged about disconsolately in the house or garden. Now and then, if +he found the young ladies reading on their own account, he would be +beguiled into listening and being amused, and their ingenuity was often +exercised in appearing to be doing it naturally, and he sometimes took +part in conversation, and thus had his attention withdrawn from his +misfortune; but it was not often that his moodiness of manner could be +charmed away, unless strangers were present, when he thought it a point +of honour to seem at his ease and merry. + +After luncheon, he liked best to ride, but against this, Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell set their faces, persuaded that it must be very dangerous. This, +Lionel thought the height of unkindness; he could ride just as safely +as in the holidays; and it was too cruel to make him give up the one +pleasure he best liked, while he was still able to enjoy it, and though +not sufficiently familiar with them to attempt any remonstrance, he +became doubly discontented and sullen. He would not walk with the girls, +but wandered far away over the downs by himself, often not coming back +till very late, and till both his parents had been in some alarm. At +last, after about a week, Marian ventured to expostulate; she prevailed, +and he was allowed to resume his rides, under a restriction that it must +never be alone. Now, taking a servant with him was an avowal of his +misfortune which he never would endure; so Marian, who never in her life +was afraid of what any horse could do, became his companion, and rode +out with him a good deal, feeling him indeed a charge, but not nearly so +heavy a one as her cousins fancied. + +Still, though not afraid of accidents to him or to herself, these rides +were almost a subject of dread to Marian, daily as was their occurrence, +for it was then that poor Lionel made up for the reserve he exercised +with all the rest. If she could have done him any good, it would have +been a different thing, but surely, the world did not contain, as she +thought, a worse comforter than herself; for day after day, answer +as she would, came the same sad strain of regrets, and laments over +vanished plans, repelling every attempt at leading him to resignation, +and only varied by the different moods in which he would sometimes look +on his case as hopeless, and sometimes be angry with her for assuming +that it was so. Still worse were the complaints of his parents, in +which he would indulge after each fresh provocation, or rather, what he +thought so, though she never gave him the least encouragement to talk +in this manner, argued for them, and often blamed him; yet do what she +would, he never was convinced. The same battle on some other ground was +sure to recur, often the next day, and Marian, right as she knew she +was, never felt as if she had the victory; for five times out of six, it +was in a surly, impatient manner that he turned away from her, as they +dismounted. She often wondered whether she ought to let him go on thus, +whether it was right in her, if it did him harm, by confirming all his +unpleasant feelings, or whether it might not be worse for him to let +them rankle in his heart instead of pouring them out. It seemed too +unkind to silence him, when he fancied such talk a comfort, and she was +the only person in his confidence, yet what was right? what was good for +him? Her head ached with the self debate; she felt positively worn and +depressed, with the continued useless, harassing conversations; she knew +he was beyond her management, yet, with all her doubts, she was too +tender-hearted to vex him; she let him go on and only combated each +point, instead of refusing to listen. + +Why would not Walter come home, the only true comforter Lionel was +likely to find, whom he really respected and loved? Walter was by this +time ordained, yet he did not propose coming home; indeed Marian had +not even heard whether he had written, and she was inclined to think he +could not have been informed of the state of things at home. + +At length, when Lionel had been at home nearly a month, there came one +morning a letter directed to him. His mother and Clara both offered to +read it for him, but he gruffly refused, glanced it over, and put it in +his pocket. He loitered through the morning, and rode with Marian in the +afternoon. As they happened to meet with some entertaining subject of +conversation, the ride was more cheerful than usual, and she hoped she +had escaped the ordinary discussion; but when he helped her to dismount +under the portico, he said, "Don't go in just yet. Come and take a turn +in the plantations." + +Her heart sank at the task that was coming, but she would not disappoint +him, and gathering up her habit, she followed his quick steps. As soon +as they were out of sight of the house, he produced the letter, saying, +"Here, read me this." + +"O! I was in hopes that you could." + +"I thought I could at first, but it was only 'my dear Lionel,' that I +could read. It was all haze after that. There is a step In these three +weeks," he added in a voice meant to be manly and careless. "Come, let +us hear. 'Tis from Walter, is not it?" + +The letter had been written on first receiving intelligence of Lionel's +condition, which had been communicated by his father when he had to +write about something else. Marian, as she read, rejoiced in the letter, +it was so exactly what she wanted to have said, and yet never could +venture on, about regarding the affliction as a cross, and bending to +bear it patiently. She had often felt that here was the best relief, but +she had never dared to set it openly before Lionel, fearing that her +awkwardness, and his waywardness, might lead to his saying something +scornful, which would be worse than all. Here it was put before him in +just the right way, and one to which he must attend, and she watched +eagerly for some token of the way in which he took it. + +He made no remark, however, seeming to hear it as a matter of course +that Walter would say something of the kind. After asking if she was +certain she had read all, and pointing to a few crossed lines at the +head of the first page, to make sure that she had not missed them, he +only said, "Then there is not a word about coming. Well, I do think he +might come when he knows that after this time I shall never be able to +see him." + +"I don't suppose he thinks of that," said Marian--"I mean perhaps +he would not think of your caring for the mere _sight_ of him as a +pleasure." + +"He does not know then," said Lionel, "I am trying to learn all your +faces, and I don't think I shall forget them." + +"I am sure if he guessed you wished for him he would come that instant." + +"I am not going to ask him," said Lionel proudly. + +"What, I really think, is the reason of his stayin away," said Marian, +hesitating, "is about Mr. Faulkner. I think more especially now he is a +Clergyman, he will not have anything to do with him." + +"Ay, ay," said Lionel, "that is a reason good for something. I only +should like to do the same, except that if I was Walter I would have +done more long ago, instead of just keeping out of the way, and told +Caroline it was a regular shame, and she ought not to be taken in with +his fine speeches, and balls, and stuff." + +"I don't know--" said Marian. + +"What don't you know?" + +"How far even Walter would be authorised to interfere about what Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell approve." + +"Don't talk nonsense, Marian. If a thing is right, it is right, if it is +wrong, it's wrong, and all the world ought to try to prevent it. I know +I would, if anybody would mind me, for it makes me sick to see that man +come into the room, and the fuss mamma makes with him. I think he grows +worse. I declare I'd as soon see her marry Julian the Apostate! I am so +glad he is gone to those races. I should like to ask Caroline what sort +of happiness she expects with a man that talks of the Bible as if it was +no better than the Iliad! I only wish he would talk so to her, perhaps +that would shock her." + +"I don't think she is very happy," said Marian. + +"I am sure she ought not to be," was the answer. + +"The more talk there has been of fixing the day the more unhappy she has +looked," said Marian. "You know she has begged the Faulkners to let it +be put off a little longer, because she could not bear that it should be +while you are in this doubtful state." + +"I did not know it," said Lionel, "and much good does it do me! A nice +life I shall have with no one but Clara to speak to! And when is your +marriage, Marian? Mr. Arundel's, I mean, for that is as bad." + +"O that will not be till next summer," said Marian: "Mrs. Wortley wishes +Agnes to be twenty-one first, and Edmund has to build a house." + +And Marian was ready to forgive them for the delay when she saw how +glad it made Lionel look. Yes, rejoiced as she must be to escape from +Oakworthy, she could not go without a chequered feeling. If she was +adroit at managing people, she would make Clara take the place she held +now with Lionel, which would be good for both, but she was far too +clumsy to bring that about; and O! what a refuge Fern Torr would be +after all this harassing life! It would be better for Lionel not to have +her to divert his confidence from his own family, and at any rate she +should be there to help him through this sad autumn of uncertainty. Then +would come the peace, rest, and guidance she had longed for all her +life, in her own home, and that hope might well cheer her through life. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + "The brass, by long attrition tried, + Placed by the purer metal's side, + Displays at length a dingy hue, + That proves its former claim untrue; + So time's discerning hand hath art + To set the good and ill apart." + + +Lionel's affliction had certainly tended to lessen the gulf which the +engagement with Mr. Faulkner had made between Caroline and Marian. +Caroline was very anxious about her brother, and knowing that Marian had +his confidence, was continually coming to her for reports of his state +of mind and spirits, and with despairing questions as to what was likely +to please him,--questions which Marian was quite unqualified to answer, +and which were curious, since she had no tact, and Caroline had a great +deal. + +Thus it came to pass, that nightly sittings by each other's bed-room +fire were renewed, and long consultations took place, always at first +about Lionel, but sometimes branching to things in general, even as in +the olden time. Caroline was, however, very unlike what she had been a +year ago, when as Marian full well remembered, they had first talked of +Mr. Faulkner's visit. She was gayer in public, but her spirits were very +low when alone with Marian; and now and then the conversation flagged, +till she sat for full half an hour, her head on her hand, without a +word. At first she would try to excuse such a reverie, by calling +herself very tired; but as days went on, and it recurred, she smiled +as she woke from it, and told Marian "it was such repose to be with a +person who would let her be silent." + +There was much confidence in such silence. Marian began to grow even +more sorry for her than at first, because it was impossible to continue +to be angry; and tried in every way to show her kindness, becoming, +unconsciously, much more demonstrative in affection than ever she had +been before. On the day on which Lionel received the letter mentioned +at the end of the last chapter, Caroline came into Marian's room at +dressing-time; and after lingering about a little, she said, "Could +Lionel read that letter to day?" + +Marian shook her head sadly. + +"He brought it to you, then?" sighed Caroline, "Ah! I saw who it came +from." + +She looked wistfully at Marian, as if longing to hear something of the +letter, though she would not ask; and Marian, though much touched, was +determined against saying one word about it, however indifferent, as +she felt that, without Lionel's consent, she ought to be as mute as the +paper it was written upon. Caroline paused, then continued, "Do you +think he will ask you to write his answer for him?" + +"No, I think not. You know he wrote a note to Gerald in one of my +letters the other day. I dare say he will always be able to write; Mrs. +Wortley has a blind friend who does." + +Caroline did not answer, but gazed at the fire for almost ten minutes. +At last she said, "Poor Walter! I wonder what he is doing." + +"I am sure he must be making himself very useful," said Marian. + +"That is one thing we may be sure of," said Caroline, smiling +mournfully. "Walter is excellent wherever he is; but O, Marian," +continued she, in a voice of inexpressible sadness, "who would have told +me, a year ago, that all I should hear of Walter's ordination would be +in the newspaper?" + +Marian could make no answer but some sound expressive of sorrow. + +"He has only written to me once since--since June!" proceeded Caroline, +in the same utterly dejected tone. + +Then Walter had remonstrated, which was a great comfort to Marian, by +restoring him to his place in her estimation. Still she maintained her +expressive silence, and Caroline went on after another interval. "You +and he have been consistent from the first, Marian." + +At that moment Fanny came in, and no more could be said, for Marian +was obliged to dress for dinner in a hurry. She took an opportunity of +saying to Lionel that evening, something about the pleasure it would +give Caroline if he would tell her about his letter. + +"What! you have been telling her about it?" said he, in a tone of great +vexation; "that is always the way with women--no trusting them!" + +"No, indeed, Lionel, I said not one word; but she saw it was Walter's +writing." + +"And you went and told her I could not read it?" + +"If she asked me, what could I do but speak the truth?" said Marian +gently; but he only made an impatient exclamation. + +"I gave not the least hint of what it was about," added Marian, +pleadingly. "Of course I could not think of that, nor she either; but +she looked as if she did so long for some news of Walter: she has not +heard from him since the summer." + +"That is her own fault," said Lionel, in his surly voice. + +"That only makes it the worse for her. She is so much out of spirits, +Lionel; and if you would only tell her that part about his schools and +his lodging, I am sure she would be so much obliged to you." + +"I shan't do any such thing," was his reply; "I always keep my letters +to myself, and I wish you would not talk about me." + +He turned sharply away, and crossed the room; but his temper was not +improved by the consequences of his stumbling over a footstool which had +been left full in the way, and in rather a dark place, where it would +have been a trap for any one. He recovered in an instant without +falling; so that it would not have signified if Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell +had not both been startled. The former issued an edict that no +stumbling-block should be left in the way, and the latter entered upon +an investigation as to who had been the delinquent in the present case, +so as to make a great deal of discussion of the very worst kind for +Lionel. + +Thenceforth the evening was uncomfortable. Marian felt as if she +was guilty of all, and was extremely provoked with herself for that +blundering way of driving at her point, which made things worse when she +most wanted to set them right. She had not comforted Caroline, and +she had led poor Lionel to fancy his confidence betrayed, and himself +discussed and--as he would call it--gossiped about. No wonder he looked +as if she had been injuring him; yet, unjust as it was, she had only her +own mal-adroitness to blame. A person of tact would have smoothed it all +at once, instead of ruffling everything up. + +The tact Marian longed for is a natural talent; the consideration, the +delicacy of feeling, that she really had, were a part of her sterling +goodness, such as may be acquired by all; and her thorough truth, +trustiness, kindness, and above all her single-mindedness, had a value, +where she was really known, which weighed down, in the long run, all +that was involuntarily against her in manner, and won her not only +esteem, but such warm affection, such thorough reliance, as neither she +herself, nor those who felt it could fathom. Tact is an excellent thing, +but genuine love to our neighbour, seeking to show true kindness, +delicacy, and consideration,--striving in fact to do as it would be done +by,--is as much more precious, as a spiritual gift is than a natural +quality. + +That very night, as Marian was sitting in her own room in her +dressing-gown, pondering on these unfortunate blunders, there was a +knock at her door, and in came Caroline. Sitting down by the fire, she +held out a letter on two or three sheets of closely written notepaper. +"Read that, Marian," said she, turning her face straight, to the fire as +she gave it. + +It was from Walter, and the date showed that it had been written, +immediately on receiving the announcement of Caroline's engagement. +It was grave, earnest, and affectionate; not accusing Mr. Faulkner of +anything, not positively objecting to him, but reminding Caroline of the +solemnity of the duties she was about to undertake, and of the extreme +danger of allowing herself to be so attracted by agreeableness of +manner, or led on by the opinion of those around her, as to forget that +the connection she was about to form was to last for life, and that she +must be responsible for the influence her husband would exercise on her +life here, and therefore on her life hereafter. He said he was sure she +could not enter lightly on such an engagement, and therefore trusted +that her own mind was thoroughly convinced that she had chosen one +who would be a guide, an aid, and a support in the path that all were +treading. + +It was exactly Walter's way, as Marian well knew, to manage to say, in +his simple, and as he thought, guarded manner of representing things, +what to sharper people had very much the air of irony; and as she gave +back the letter, her observation, as the first that would occur, was, +"It is very like Walter." + +"Very," said Caroline. + +"Did you answer him?" + +"I wrote again, but--but"--her voice began to fail--"it was not an +answer. I would not seem to understand him. I wrote a lively, careless +sort of letter, and only said papa and mamma were delighted, or +something of that kind. And O, Marian, Marian, he has never written to +me again, and I have deserved it." She burst into tears. + +"But why don't you write now? He must be very anxious to hear of Lionel, +and there is no one to tell him." + +"I cannot," she replied; "I cannot, while--while he thinks of me as he +must--as he ought!" She wept bitterly, and Marian stood by perplexed and +distressed. "Dear Caroline," was the utmost that she could say. + +"Marian!" cried Caroline, looking up for a moment, then hiding her face +again--"I would give anything in the world that he had been at home last +summer; or that you had slept at High Down that night." + +A flash of hope and joy came across Marian. "If you think so," she +began, but Caroline cut her short. "I know what you mean, but that it? +impossible, quite Impossible--decidedly so," she added, as if these +assurances were to strengthen her own belief in its impossibility, and +not arguing, from a consciousness that her friend would overthrow every +one of her arguments. "I don't know what made me come to you, and tease +you," said she, rising and taking her letter; "good night." + +"Tease me! O, Caroline, Caroline, you know--" + +What she knew was lost in a most affectionate embrace; but Caroline +would not stay any longer, and left Marian as usual, regretting +everything that had passed. + +The nest night, however, Caroline came again, as if there was some +irresistible spell that drew her to Marian. It was Sunday, and Marian +had long since observed that on such days Caroline was always most out +of spirits. She sat down, and let a long time pass without talking; but +at last she said, "Marian, it is very kind in you to let me come and sit +here. You cannot--no--you will never know how wretched I am." + +"My dear, dear Caroline, if I could but do anything for you! but," she +proceeded, gathering resolution from her day's reflections, "you are the +only person who can do anything for yourself." + +"Impossible!" repeated Caroline. + +Marian was not exactly silenced, but involved in deep considerations +as to the propriety of interfering, and whether attempting to persuade +Caroline would be doing evil that good might come. Before she had made +up her mind,--as, indeed, how could she in five minutes come to a +conclusion to which hours of previous perplexity had failed to bring +her?--Caroline spoke again, "If it had but never begun! but now it has, +it must go on." + +"I don't know--" + +"It must, I tell you!" repeated Caroline. "If it had all to begin over +again, it would be very different. O, if it was but this time last +year!" + +"But Caroline, Caroline," repeated Marian, carried away by the thought +that rose to her lips, "only think; you say now if it was this time last +year--now, while you can escape. Shall not you say so all the more when +it is really too late,--when you will wish you had drawn back now?" + +"You have no right to say I should wish, that!" said Caroline, offended. +"You don't know what the love is that you are holding so cheaply." + +"I beg your pardon, Caroline," and Marian was thrown into herself again; +but she thought a little longer, and seeing that Caroline was still +waiting and musing, she ventured on saying, in a timid voice, "Somehow, +I think, it would seem to me that the more affection there was, the more +painful it would all be." + +"You are right there, Marian," exclaimed Caroline, in a voice of acute +feeling. + +It was a strange question that Marian next asked abruptly, on an impulse +sudden at the moment, though it was what she had long eagerly desired to +know. "Do you love him after all?" + +Caroline did not seem vexed by the inquiry, but went on speaking rather +as if she was examining herself as to the answer,--"Love him? I don't +know; sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think not. It is not as +people in books love, and--and it can't be as your Agnes must love Mr. +Arundel." + +A most emphatic "O no!" escaped from Marian, she hardly knew how, as if +it was profanation to compare Mr. Faulkner to Edmund; and perhaps the +strongest proof that Caroline's was not a real attachment, was that she +let it pass. "But then," pursued she warmly, "I am sure he is attached +to me--yes, very much--and--well, and I am glad to see him come into the +room; I like to walk with him. There is no one--no--no one in the whole +world whom I like so well. All my doubts and fears go away at the first +sound of his voice, and I am quite happy then. O, Marian, that surely is +love?" + +"I don't know," said Marian; "I can't fancy love that has not begun with +esteem, with looking up," + +"I do look up!" said Caroline, eagerly. "He is so clever, so sensible, +has such a mind." + +"I did not mean looking up intellectually," + +"Ah! you can live in that way," said Caroline, quickly; "your own people +are all of _that sort_. But you know I should never have had any one at +all to love, if I had begun looking for _that kind of thing_, even at +home." + +Too true, thought Marian, while she answered, "It is a different thing +where you have to begin afresh, and take it voluntarily upon you." + +"Voluntarily!" repeated Caroline; "I am sure my will had very little +to do with it. I found myself in the midst of it, without knowing how, +before I had made up my mind one way or the other. O, Marian! if you had +but been with me that morning." + +"Would that have prevented you?" + +"I do really believe it would. You would have looked as if you thought +it so impossible, that I should have been strengthened up to do +something they could not have taken for consent. I'll tell you all about +it, Marian, from the beginning, and you will see how little free will I +had in it, and how distracted I am now." + +Caroline went through the whole story, incoherently, and often only half +expressing her sentiments, and passing over what Marian knew already. +It seemed that she had been pleased with Mr. Faulkner's agreeableness, +flattered by his attention, and entered upon the same sort of +intercourse with him as with any other pleasant acquaintance. It would +never have been her way, brought up as she had been, to shrink from him +with such shuddering aversion as Marian did, simply from what she had +heard of his opinions. He was so agreeable, that it was just as well +quite to forget that, or only half to believe it. Then came the growing +perceptions of his intentions towards her, and of her mother's triumph +in them. But this was not till the archery arrangements were so far +advanced, that she could not have drawn back from them; and she was, +besides, in a whirl of gaiety and excitement that left little time for +serious thought: that she put off till his offer should be made, if it +was really coming. It came, and when she did not expect it. She knew +not what to do she was too confused for consideration. The next day was +bewilderment, and in the evening she found herself engaged. The new +sensation given her by her lover's affection, her genuine admiration of +his personal superiority, and wonder at herself for having attracted +such a man,--her gratitude to his family for their kindness, the triumph +of her parents,--all formed such a mixture of pleasurable, almost +intoxicating feelings, as at first to giddy her, (or, as the French will +express it, _l'ètourdir_,) as to what she had done, and what she +was about to do. Marian's grave, still face, and omission of one +congratulatory, even of one sympathetic word, were indeed witnesses; but +the impression of her unaccommodating ways was then recent, and +Caroline thought of her as one who showed goodness to be unpleasing and +impracticable, and looked on her silent disapproval as part of that +system of severity in which, she was consistent, but which her conduct +only proved to be absurd and unreasonable. + +In the same spirit Caroline disregarded Walter's letter,--only a letter, +which could therefore be laid aside, and which, in truth, did not say +all he meant as forcibly or as well as it might have been said, since, +as every one knew, Walter was more good than clever. A tenderness of +feeling, reminding her that Walter loved her, would not let her destroy +the letter, or be offended; but she intrenched herself in her parents' +satisfaction, and being resolved not to attend to it, she would not seem +to understand it. So time passed; at first she was really not exactly +happy, but possessing what passed very well for happiness with herself +and every one else; then came a time when an effort became necessary to +persuade herself that she was so. It was not that Mr. Faulkner showed +his character more openly, or startled her with any such plain +expressions as had so much shocked Lionel; for he held that most subtle +and perilous of all views partaking of unbelief,--that Christianity was +the best and most beautiful form of religion yet promulgated, that it +was all very well now for women and weak-minded people, and it was a +step to some wonderful perfectibility, which was a sort of worship of an +essence of beauty and intellect. + +He did not say such things to her, but they were the principles on which +all his sentiments were founded: and as she knew him mire and more +intimately, compared and discussed their tastes and likings, and the +grounds on which they were formed, there were tokens, which could not +help now and then showing themselves, of those opinions of which Marian +had warned her. + +Very slow was she to admit the conviction, for she was growing much +attached to him; and whenever he praised the beauty, the poetry, the +morality, the majesty of anything belonging to religion, she caught at +it and silenced all her doubts with it,--hoped she had silenced them for +ever,--but the perception would return that it was only the beauty that +he praised, because it was beauty, and struck him as such. Shade upon +shade, imperceptible in itself, but each tint adding to its depth, +the cloud of misgiving darkened, and though she tried to fight it +off,--though she told herself it was too late,--though she was very +angry with herself for it, there it still hung; and the ever-present +consciousness of Marian's disapproval heightened it, till in impatient +moods she began to dislike Marian, and wish her out of the house, + +Then came the news of Edmund Arundel's engagement, rousing Marian into +such a glow of warm-hearted delight, as to waken Caroline to a complete +sense of her power of affection, as well as of the contrast of the +manner in which she regarded the prospects of her two friends. Caroline +grew more unhappy, and strove both against her own growing wretchedness, +and an almost magnetic attraction, which drew her to impart it all to +Marian, in spite of the chill with which it would be first met, and of +the advice which could never be taken; whilst a yearning, longing desire +for the long-suspended intercourse with Walter, and a sense of his +displeasure, formed no slight portion of her miserable feelings. The +arrangements for her marriage she looked on as part of her destiny,--at +any rate, they occupied her mind; and there would be an end, after that, +of these dreadful and vain doubts. + +In the midst of all this, poor Lionel's threatened misfortune gave +Caroline, as it were, a glimpse down a long dark road, where nothing had +ever yet caused her to look; yet who could say whether it might not +be her's to tread it? Affliction, sickness, sorrow, death, certain at +last,--there was but one stay in them; and what if she should lose +it,--if she was losing it already? I She thought of bearing them with +_him_,--of the hollowness, the fallacy, the utter misery of trying to be +sustained by aught that had not its foundations firmly fixed beyond the +grave,--of not looking as sorrow as fatherly chastisement. (Caroline +hardly yet entered into its still higher claim,) or at death as the gate +of life. And O! if she loved him as her husband, what would it be to see +him die, thinking, or even having thought, as he too surely did? All the +train of fallacies about sincerity rather than forms of faith,--all the +hopes that he might yet be brought to see the truth, and that she might +be the means, were only soporifics for a moment, which failed to still +the ever growing agony. She knew there was nothing in them, and that +they were only extenuations; but still, amid all her unhappiness, there +was a resolution to persevere, a want of moral courage which determined +her to go on, and enter on such a life as this, rather than go through +all that would ensue on an attempt to break off the match. Thus, though +her reluctance was increasing, and she now sought to put off the +decisive day, instead of precipitating it, as at first, all she +attempted was to have the wedding deferred in consequence of her +brother's condition; and though, logically taken, there was no great +reason in the request, every one agreed it was a very amiable feeling, +and so her desire was complied with. She would have avoided Marian more +than ever, but this could hardly be, now that her cousin was in fuller +sympathy, with all the family than she had ever been before; and little +as was her immediate power with Lionel, Caroline would have given worlds +even for that. Thus, as has been shown, the old sympathy grew up again; +the root, blighted months ago, shot out once more, and at last accident +and impulse led Caroline to do what she had little expected ever to have +done,--to pour out all her griefs, cares, and doubts to Marian, knowing +all the time what she would say, and resolved against her advice, yet +irresistibly impelled to go on, as if talking would relieve her of her +burthen, and resting on the solid, firm truth of that deep love, which +manifested itself by few tokens indeed, but those were of extreme worth. + +The confession was a perplexity and a sorrow to Marian while it was +being made, though she was very glad it had been done; and how intense +were the affection and compassion for Caroline that filled her heart is +beyond all power of narration. She answered with earnest sympathy, at +each step helped out the broken words, and showed her comprehension of +the pauses. She was a perfect listener in all but one respect; she +would not give the counsel Caroline wanted; and she would not have been +Marian, she would not have had her own reality and bracing severity, if +she had. She could not cheer Caroline up, bid her banish fear, and look +forward to happiness; she could not even tell her there was no help for +it: she only said, "I don't know," and sat considering whenever Caroline +reiterated that it was impossible, and too late. + +Some power those "I don't knows" had beyond eloquence; for when Caroline +had seven times fully proved how entirely out of the question any +attempt to escape from her destiny would be, she ended by asking, in +quite a different tone, "What would you have me do?" + +The reply was, of course, "I don't know;" but this was immediately +followed by a repetition of the former counsel, "Write to Walter." + +Caroline could not--would not; it would be of no use: poor Walter should +not be tormented. If, in his strict sense of right, he chose to come and +try, as he would think, to save her, there would be nothing but uproar +and confusion in the family; and to think of him, with his timidity, +bringing his father's anger on himself for her sake, seemed to her +at the moment beyond all things dreadful. No, no, no, it was utterly +impossible; and therewith the fire being out, and the clock striking +two, Caroline thanked Marian for her kindness, said it was all of no +use, kissed her, and bade her good night. + +Marian thought no good was done, and only made herself very unhappy at +seeing her led, by weakness, to sacrifice herself against her better +judgment. The next night, Caroline came again, and the conversation was +resumed, or rather gone over again, with no more satisfactory result +than before; and so it was the next, and the next. To be comforter and +adviser sounds like a delightful privilege, and so, thought Marian, it +would be, if one could only do it; but to have all the opportunity,--to +have people coming for comfort, and not in the least be able to afford +it, neither to relieve them, nor to be sure that she had not done them +harm was to the highest degree painful and unsatisfactory. And from +Lionel's repinings to Caroline's doubts, she went, suffering for each, +equally unable to console either, and wondering which was the saddest +case. Lionel's was, she thought, far the best, if he would but perceive +it; but then Caroline's might yet be remedied, if she had but strength +for one struggle. All that Marian could do without mistrust, was to pray +for them both, and to pray that she might not be the means of doing them +harm. + +She saw how wrong it would be in her, personally to interfere between +Caroline and her parents' wishes; and it was this that made her adhere +to that one piece of advice, that Walter should be written to, since on +his judgment and sense of right there was the most absolute reliance; +and, both as brother and Clergyman, he was by far the most proper person +for Caroline to consult, or to act for her. + +For three days, however, it was all in vain, Caroline would not write; +and she began to despair, and to grow angry with the feebleness that +would not take one step in the right direction. On the fourth, Caroline, +who the night before had seemed as averse as ever, showed her, as she +crossed the hall on the way to luncheon, a letter directed to +the Reverend Walter Lyddell. Her heart leapt, but as she smiled +satisfaction, she saw Caroline's face so wan, dejected, and miserable, +that she could not make herself too happy. There were other doubts, now +that this point was gained, as to how Walter might be able to manage +Caroline,--whether he would lead her to the right, or unconsciously turn +her to the wrong, by his want of skilfulness; what might be his idea of +her duty to her parents, or to her promise; whether he might think +it right to take upon himself to advise, or whether either he or his +sister, when it came to the point, would have nerve enough to excite +their father's displeasure. + +The only thing Marian thought at all favourable, was that Elliot and Mr. +Faulkner were both at Newmarket, and there was no present appearance of +their coming home. Elliot was likely to make more opposition than any +one else, and Mr. Faulkner's influence was of course to be dreaded. +Indeed, had he been at hand, believing, as Caroline did, in his +affection for her, it was most probable that she would never have spoken +of her misgivings at all, and very possibly have hardly acknowledged +them to herself. + +Caroline's letter had been written on Thursday. It was Monday, and no +answer had come, which caused her to look more worn and dispirited than +before, unable even to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness which she +had hitherto assumed when with the rest of the family. It was a cold, +gloomy, wintry day, with gusts of sleety rain, and no one chose to +attempt going out, except Marian and Lionel, the former of whom was +a systematic despiser of weather, and never was hurt by anything but +staying in-doors, while the latter would rather have done anything than +idle away a whole afternoon as well as a morning in the drawing-room. +Even they thought it too bad for riding; so after making the circuit of +the park, they went into the town, where Lionel wanted to buy a silk +handkerchief. He had been told the day before that his neck-tie was +growing unfit to be seen, he did not choose to ask any one to get one +for him, and it was against his will that he was obliged to take Marian +to secure him from buying "any thing awful," as he expressed it. + +The purchase prospered very well, Lionel hoped that the shopman had not +found out how entirely he trusted to his companion for the choice, and +was proud that his old precaution of substituting a key for a slider at +the gold end of his purse, had saved him from making any mistakes about +the money. They were walking away, arm in arm; it was not yet necessary +to guide him, but Marian thought, beginning now would soften the first +commencement of dependence. And, indeed, even in the holidays Lionel, in +his first tail-coat, had been well-pleased to find himself man enough to +have his arm taken by a young lady. + +A carriage was passing. "There is Walter!" joyfully exclaimed Marian, as +she saw the well-known spectacled face peering from the window of one of +the carriages from the Great Western Station. + +"Walter! what, come at last?" cried Lionel, looking up and frowning in +that painful way that had become habitual to him when he strained his +eyes to see distinctly. Walter had at the same moment spied them, +stopped, thrown the door open, sprung out, and was shaking hands with +them, but scarcely speaking. He turned again to order the driver to go +on and set his things down at the house, and then joined his brother and +cousin, looting very anxiously at Lionel, whose arm Marian had quitted, +and still keeping silence. Marian on her side was very glad; but at the +same time almost overcome by the thought of what this return home must +be to Walter, and feeling a strange, solemn sensation at first meeting +her cousin and companion, after he had become in an especial manner +the servant of the Most High. He was Walter still, Walter with his +near-sighted eyes, and nervous manner, yet he was so much more, and his +clerical dress would not let her forget it for a moment. + +Lionel was the most unembarrassed of the three, he was very glad to +meet his brother, and wishing to show that he could bear his troubles +manfully, he spoke joyously, "So you have thought better of it and come +at last, Walter; I hope it is for a good long time." + +"Only till Saturday," was Walter's answer. + +"Well, that is something, only I can't think why you did not come +before." + +Walter murmured something about having been much occupied, and then +seemed to be watching Lionel too intently to say any more. Marian +thought the brothers would get on much better without her, and, coming +to a cottage, said she wanted to speak to somebody in it. "O Marian, we +will wait for you," said Walter, with a pleading look, and she saw from +his agitated, fidgeting manner, that he was excessively nervous at the +notion of being left to take care of Lionel back to the house. + +"Very well," she said, "I will not be a moment;" and delivering her +message, which had been only devised as an excuse, she walked on with +them, in a sort of despair as to Walter's being of any use. "If he is +afraid to walk home with Lionel," thought she, "what will it be about +stirring up his father? Why cannot people have a little courage?" She +consoled herself by remembering that Walter could not know the degree of +Lionel's blindness, and probably thought it worse than it yet was; but +even if it had been total, she could not see that he need have been +afraid of guiding him in the street and through the park. If it was the +additional nervousness, of disliking to begin on so painful a subject, +that she thought worse than all. Marian being by no means troubled with +nerves herself, had little toleration for women who had them; and none +at all for men. She thought the case lost, and half repented of her +advice to write to Walter, yet she did not know what else she could +possibly have said. Lionel talked on, told who was at home, and what +every one was about, and when Johnny had last been heard of, all in a +bright, lively tone, not exactly assumed, for he was much cheered by +his brother's arrival, and yet partly from the wonted desire of showing +himself happy. Walter did not make much reply, but when Lionel after +saying Elliot was at Newmarket, added, "And Mr. Faulkner is there too, +so you won't have the pleasure of an introduction," he started, and +Marian saw the trembling of his lips. + +Thus they reached the house, and Lionel dashed forward In his own +headlong way before them, to announce Walter's coming. Then Walter +looked at Marian, saying, "Then it is not so bad yet?" + +"O no, it is only that he cannot see anything distinctly; he cannot bear +not to be independent." + +They were entering the hall by this time, and his mother and sisters had +come out to meet Walter, Caroline very white and trembling, and holding +by the back of a chair instead of coming forward; Mrs. Lyddell kissed +him, and seemed more affectionate than usual, for it had been a great +pleasure to her to see Lionel rush in with that animated face, and a +shout such as he used to get into disgrace for. + +Nothing came to pass that evening, there were no private conferences, +and there was nothing remarkable, excepting that Lionel was quite merry +and talkative, and Caroline more silent than ever, seeming hardly to +attend even when Walter was sitting between her and Clara, talking to +Marian and Lionel about the beautiful arrangements of Church and school +in his new curacy. At night she was in such a terrible agitation, +walking up and down the rooms so restless and wretched that Marian, +seriously afraid she would be quite ill the next day, persuaded her with +great difficulty, to go to bed, and did not leave her till very late at +night, when she had read her to sleep. + +It was a, great relief to find her pretty well in the morning, at least +with nothing worse than a headache. She and Walter both disappeared +after breakfast, and did not come down till luncheon time, when she +looked so ill that Mrs. Lyddell was alarmed and insisted on her lying +down and keeping quiet. Then Mrs. Lyddell said that Walter ought to go +and call on Lady Julia Faulkner, and offered to take him there. Marian +looked at him by stealth, and could have gasped for breath, for by what +he did now, she thought she could see what line he would take. + +"Thank you," he said, or rather hesitated, "but don't let me interrupt +your plans. I thought I heard something about--about. Salisbury. I have +something to do there." + +"The girls did talk of wanting to go," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Did not you, +Marian or Clara, which was it?" + +"My watch wants to have something done to it," put in Lionel, whose +father had given him a repeater, which of course began its career by +doing anything but going properly. + +"Well, perhaps it will he as well to go to Salisbury to-day, as Caroline +has this headache. She never likes going there, and she may be able to +go with us to High Down to-morrow." + +So it was settled, and they left the luncheon table. Marian happened to +be the last lady, and whether it was fancy or not she was not sure, but +she thought she heard on Walter's lips, a self-reproachful whisper of +"Coward." + +The expedition to Salisbury, in which Marian was obliged to take part, +prevented her from seeing anything of Caroline till the evening, and +then as soon as Clara was out of the way Caroline rose up, caught hold +of her hand, and exclaimed, "O, Marian, what have you made me do?" then +walked about in a paroxysm of distress, almost terrible to witness. + +"Caroline, dearest, O don't!" cried Marian quite frightened; "do try to +be calm! O what is it?" + +"O it will all be misery!" said Caroline, sitting down and clasping her +hands over her face, "I little knew what it would be when you made me +write to Walter. He says it would be wickedness--yes, those were his +words--he called it wickedness in me to go on with it, as I feel now!" + +"And you mean to--" + +"I cannot tell--I don't know--he must do as he pleases; O it will make +me wild! He must do as he pleases, for I must be wretched either way," + +"Dear Caroline--but O! how much better to be unhappy for the sake of +doing right than when--" + +"Yes, yes--so he said--but O! the horror. It kills me even to think of +what it will be! O, Marian, Marian--" + +"It will be over in time," said Marian; "but O! I am glad you have made +up your mind--" + +"No, I have not--at least I must, I suppose--for after what Walter said +I can't go on. Walter's words would be a dagger--O! I don't know what +they would be, all the rest of my life if I did. No--you and Walter must +have your own way; I am too wretched already to care what becomes of +inc. But he--O Marian, I never can--" + +"If it is right you can," said Marian. + +"You can, but you don't know what you say to me," said Caroline. "Right +has never been to me what it is to you." + +"Yes, indeed it has, dear Caroline, or you would not be making this +struggle now. Indeed there must be strength in you, or you would have +gone on without faltering." + +"Walter said he should never have spoken one word after that first +letter, if I had not begun," said Caroline; "but when he saw my mind +misgave me, and I wanted help, he thought it his duty to come and set +it all before me. O, Marian, he said dreadful things; I did not think +Walter could have been so cruel. O, such things! He made me look at the +Marriage Service, and say how I could answer those things; and he talked +about death and the Last Day. He said it would be a presumptuous sin, +and a profaning of the holy ordinance for me to come to it, knowing and +thinking and feeling as I do. O what things he said! and yet he was very +kind to me." + +"Well, and--" + +"I left it all to him. I knew it would be misery, and I did not care in +what way; but then, Marian, O! worse than all, he said it must be my own +doing." + +"I suppose it must." + +"He said he would help me; but I was the only person who had a right to +do anything! O, Marian, Marian, I wish I could die." + +"It will be over in time!" repeated Marian. + +"Yes, but it will not be over. Mamma, papa, O I shall be reproached with +it for ever; I shall know I have made _him_ unhappy. O would that I +could begin all over again!" + +"You will have comfort at last in having been strong. The greater the +effort the nobler it is! O, Caroline, do only hold out nobly. It is so +glorious to have something to suffer for the sake of doing right!" + +"Glorious!" murmured Caroline, her desponding gaze raised to contemplate +the grand head, fine brow, firm lips, and dark glancing eye, turned up +for a moment in the enthusiastic spirit of self-devotion. That look, +unknowing as was Marian that she wore it, penetrated into Caroline's +soul, and warmed her too with the temper of martyrdom. "Glorious;" she +repeated a second time, and the tone was not so broken and hopeless as +before. + +"To be sure it is!" said Marian, going on with her own thoughts, "and it +is so seldom people can ever partake of it, in ever so slight a degree, +in these days; I always think it so beautiful where the account is given +of the Apostles' great joy when they found a persecution was really +going to begin." + +"Persecution--yes, real persecution." + +"And every suffering for the sake of the truth, for conscience' sake, +must partake a little of that, I suppose," said Marian reverently. + +There they were interrupted by Clara, who came to call Marian down +stairs. Caroline came too, which the others had not expected. She was +more calm and composed, and her headache was supposed by her mother to +account for her want of spirits. She went to bed early, begging Marian +to come and visit her when she came up. Marian contrived to do so as +soon as possible, and found her already in bed, quiet and comfortable. +"Marian," she said, "I have made up my mind. Now read to me, if you +please." + +She was worn out with agitation and sleeplessness, and soothed with +having come to a determination, she soon fell asleep, and Marian went +to her own room, wondering over the part Walter had acted, and what he +might be going to do next, whether he had led or driven his sister, and +how far the courage of principle would avail to subdue natural timidity. + +Caroline was pretty well the next morning, but the time was broken up in +various ways, so that it was not till the afternoon that she could see +Walter again in private. Lionel was considerably disconcerted when he +found himself left to Marian. He had no notion of what was going on, had +believed Walter's return to be entirely on his account, and was much +disappointed at not having more of his company; for though both had been +of the party to Salisbury, one had been outside the carriage and the +other inside, so that they had not seen much of each other, and this +morning had been interrupted. He was so much vexed and inclined to be +hurt, by what he felt as a slight on his brother's part, that Marian +could not resist telling him what she knew would console him. "I don't +think you will mind it, Lionel, when you know why it is that Caroline +wants him." + +"Ha?" said Lionel, "you don't mean that she has thought better of it, +and is going to send Julian the Apostate to the right about. Eh? You +don't say so. Well, then there is some good in Caroline after all! But +then what should she want of Walter?" + +"To help her, to advise her." + +"Well, if she likes, but I can't see what advice she wants. She has only +got to make him a curtsey and say, 'Very much obliged to you, sir, but I +had rather be excused.'" + +Marian could not help laughing, in spite of her deep feeling on the +matter, and Lionel, who had acted the voice and the curtsey, laughed +too, and then perhaps ashamed of making fun of such an affair, added, +"It is the best news I have heard this long time. What, and that is what +she has been so dismal about these last few days, is it?" + +"Yes, she has been very unhappy indeed. It is a terrible struggle." + +"What? she likes him, does she? Poor Cary! After all I am glad she is +coming right again, she is very good natured, and a great deal too good +for Ju--. Ah! you won't have him called so, I know. They have taken a +good time for it now he is away and Elliot too, but what a tremendous +row there will be about it. Mamma thought it was such a speculation for +Caroline." + +"Yes, I am afraid she will have a great deal to go through." + +"Yes," said Lionel, pondering gravely for some minutes; then asking +"What is going to be done?" + +"I don't know in the least; I believe she is settling with Walter +to-day." + +"Then nobody knows about it yet?" + +There was no more to do but to have the satisfaction of talking over the +engagement together, an occupation which put Lionel into particularly +good spirits, and made their walk very pleasant. In the next glimpse +which Marian had of Caroline, she learnt that Walter had undertaken to +speak to his father that very evening. Caroline looked ghastly white as +she said so in a whisper, but her dreadful agitation seemed to have +left her; she had evidently quite made up her mind, though she said she +believed it would never have been done if it had rested with her to +begin by telling either of her parents. Both she and Marian knew that +nothing but a spirit of moral heroism could have braced Walter to bear +the first brunt of his father's wrath, and she was very much shocked at +her own weakness in suffering it, but still it was much in her to allow +it to be done. + +That the conversation had taken place at night, when all the rest had +retired, was evident to Marian when they met the nest morning from the +very dark, severe loots of Mr Lyddell, from his wife's impatient angry +manner, and sharper, louder voice. Walter was almost absolutely silent, +Caroline went through the forms of breakfast as if she was in a dream, +Lionel frowned, fidgeted, and tried with all his might, poor boy, to +scan the faces which were daily growing more obscure to his vision; even +Clara saw something was wrong, and glanced from one to the other in a +puzzled, alarmed manner When they left the dining-room, Marian heard +Mrs. Lyddell say, "Caroline, I want you." She flew up to her own room, +and hiding her face, as she knelt down, she entreated earnestly that her +poor Caroline might have steadfastness to go through this fearful trial. +She was interrupted by Clara, begging to know what was the matter, if +anything was wrong about Mr. Faulkner; she thought Lionel knew, but when +she him be would do nothing but crow like a cock. Marian would have been +glad if she could have made any equally convenient demonstration instead +of an answer, but she could only say that she had heard nothing of Mr. +Faulkner, and could not tell Clara anything about the matter. + +"Do you know anything?" said Clara. + +"I do know." + +"Ah! you are in all Caroline's secrets now, and that is very odd; you +who used to hate the Faulkners. Well, but are not you coming down?" + +In spite of his cock-crowings, Lionel was very anxious, and when in the +course of that long desultory forlorn morning he was left alone with +Marian, he earnestly asked her what she knew. "Nothing" was her answer. + +"O if Caroline will but hold out!" he exclaimed, "that will be what I +call being good for something! I hope mamma won't be desperately angry, +for that I could stand less than anything, it goes on so much longer +with her than with papa." + +"She will be very much disappointed. O how I wish I knew what is +happening!" + +It was a long time before any intelligence could be gained: Mrs. Lyddell +was very much flushed, and looked extremely displeased when she came +down, hardly speaking to any one but Lionel, and glancing most sternly +at Marian, Caroline did not come down at all, and when Marian was going +up stairs after luncheon, Mrs. Lyddell said with extreme coldness, "Do +not go to Caroline, if you please, I wish her to be left quiet." + +Marian was in great consternation, since it was evident that Mrs. +Lyddell perceived how her influence had been exerted, and was very much +offended, indeed it was no wonder that she should be. Nothing but "very +well" could be said so she quietly prepared to go out. Lionel had his +brother this afternoon and did not want her, so she had only Clara for +her companion full of surmises and of excitement. When she came in and +was on her way to her room, Caroline opened her door. "Marian! O will +you not come to me?" cried she imploringly. + +Marian could not but comply, indeed she had no hesitation, for she +thought Mrs. Lyddell's injunction only applied to the time before she +went out. + +"O, cheer me up, comfort me, Marian!" said Caroline, drawing her +cousin's arm round her waist, "I do want it so much!" + +"You are going on bravely then!" said Marian, caressing her. + +"Bravely!" sighed Caroline; "No, indeed, but I have held firmly so far! +I could not but stand by poor Walter, you know, when he confronted it +all for me! I could not say much--I could only cry--but I took care they +should not think I consented again." + +"And is Mrs. Lyddell very much displeased?" + +"O, don't speak of it, Marian. I cannot bear it." + +The door opened and Mrs. Lyddell entered, and the air of indignant +surprise on seeing Marian called for an answer: "I beg your pardon, I +thought you only meant me not to go to Caroline just after luncheon," +said Marian. + +"I wish matters, such as we have been discussing, to be confined +entirely to our own family," replied Mrs. Lyddell, too angry not to say +something, yet too much afraid of Marian not to say it very courteously. + +"Mamma!" said Caroline eagerly, "only hear me. I assure you that not one +word did Marian ever say to me till I voluntarily went to her a week +ago, because I was so very miserable I could bear it no longer." + +"I should have thought your mother the proper person to go to in such a +case. Miss Arundel's sentiments had so long been visible, that you could +have no doubt of the advice you would receive from her." + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said Marian, collecting herself, and speaking slowly, +"I am very sorry I have appeared to act a part which I know must seem +unjustifiable. I never spoke to--to Caroline" (the remembrance of Lionel +prevented her from saying to any one) "of my opinion of this engagement, +after it was formed, till she came to me for advice, in her distress. I +could not speak against my conscience, and I tried not to forget what +was due to you. I only begged her to write to her brother as the fittest +person to help her, as being a clergyman. I beg your pardon for having +acted against your wishes." So saying, Marian went out, surprised and +alarmed at finding herself in open opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +bewildered as to how she ought to have acted. Her comfort was in looking +forward to the refuge at Fern Torr, and she smiled as she compared Mrs. +Lyddell with her other guardian's future wife. + +Mrs. Lyddell wished her at Fern Torr fully as much as she did. She had +already become jealous of Lionel's preference, and it was too galling to +find the affection of her children stolen from her by that cold, pale, +proud, unprepossessing girl. Had the love been on the part of Elliot or +Walter, Mrs. Lyddell would hardly have regretted it, considering Miss +Arundel's large fortune and high connexions; but nothing was less +probable than this, and Marian's influence over Caroline was at present, +in Mrs. Lyddell's eyes, only a source of mischief. + +Lionel was alone in the drawing-room, and met Marian eagerly inquiring +"What news?" + +"I have hardly seen her. Has Walter told you nothing?" + +"No; he thinks I don't know, and I was not going to let on that you told +me. Is she steady?" + +"Yes, so far." + +"That is right," said Lionel, thoughtfully, "I am very sorry for her, +but I shall think the better of her ever after." + +"Have you been out with Walter?" + +"Yes, we have had a very nice talk." + +Here Walter came down, and began to talk to Marian about schools and +lending libraries. + +It was a strange state of things, with all those different pairs of +confidential friends. Both Marian and Walter were the stay and support +of Caroline and Lionel; yet, though acting in concert, and perfectly +agreed, not saying a word in confidence to each other on either head. +Neither did Walter speak of Caroline to Lionel, nor Lionel, though much +interested for her, speak to her of his affairs or her own. Clara indeed +bestowed her communications on every one, but she got nothing in return +that was satisfactory. Marian was the central point with all except +Walter, but the fulness of her heart was bestowed elsewhere. And, alas! +none saw so little of those young hearts as the parents, who had never +earned their confidence; so that when they turn to them, it was from +duty, as to rulers, not as to counsellors and friends. + +Very sore was Marian's heart that night, when she felt it her duty to +bid Caroline good night in Mrs. Lyddell's hearing, in spite of the +piteous, imploring glance turned upon her. Might not her support make +all the difference now? she thought. No; shame on her for thinking that +she could do more good than He to whose hands Caroline was trusted! +Folly, to dream that her awkward, blundering words could be more help +than the prayers she could pour out alone! + +Yet all these consolations could not prevent poor Marian from being very +miserable, under the dread that Caroline thought her unkind, and felt +herself deserted, after being involved in all this suffering. And O, +should she fail! Walter must go on Saturday, and then she would be left +to fight her battle alone. + +On the Friday the whole house knew what was going on. Mr. Lyddell +himself had a conversation with Caroline, but nothing of it transpired. +It only was evident that she still continued in the same mind, and she +looked more wretched than ever. Marian was anxious to show her affection +and sympathy in her manner, but her anxiety only made her cold, and dry, +and awkward. Clara was excited and puzzled, Walter was hardly spoken to +by father or mother; and when at breakfast on Saturday he spoke of his +departure, the silence that he encountered seemed to express that he had +much better not have come home at all. + +Marian felt fierce with indignation, and Lionel, perhaps by way of +effusion of the same feeling, dashed his chair away from the table, and +called out, "Mind you come back again as soon as ever you can." + +But the dead silence that followed was more painful and marked than it +had been before. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + "The flowers do fade, and wanton fields, + To wayward winter reckoning yields, + A honey tongue, a heart of gall + Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall." + + SIR W. RALEIGH. + + +The Sunday after Walter's departure was a very uncomfortable and +melancholy day. It was very sad to see poor Caroline looking wan and +suffering, and turning now and then a wistful appealing glance at +Marian, as if intreating for the help which must not be afforded to +her; and then at each meeting and parting, Marian was dissatisfied with +herself for having been rendered stiff and dry instead of tender and +consoling, by the very wish to be affectionate, which prevented her from +being at ease. She heard from Clara that Caroline's great desire was to +be allowed to write to Mr. Faulkner on the subject before she saw him +again, whilst he was still in London, and that it was this which her +parents so strongly opposed, convinced that a meeting with him would +renew all her feelings of attachment. Marian dreaded the same, for she +could not think Caroline's resolution sufficient to hold out in sight of +his affection, and of his prepossessing qualities, and at the same time, +every day that the engagement continued made it more difficult to break +it off. + +One comfort was, however, that Lionel's anxiety and interest in +Caroline's affairs, were drawing his attention from his own trouble, and +he was much less irritable and unhappy than before. Perhaps this might +have been in part owing to his conversations with Walter, who could +venture on giving him more lessons on the right principle of endurance +than Marian had ever dared to put before him. She was more pleased than +she had been for a long time, when as they were walking together in the +plantations, after evening service, he said with some abruptness and +yet with some hesitation, "Marian, didn't you once read something with +Gerald in the morning?" + +"Yes," said Marian, sure of what the something meant. + +"Do you do it still by yourself?" + +"Yes." + +"Then I wish----. Would you mind reading to me?" + +"The Psalms and Lessons? O, Lionel, I should be so glad I Only could you +get up in time? for I don't know when to do it except before breakfast." + +"To be sure I could get up in time. I only lie in bed because there is +nothing to do, and nobody to speak to." + +"Well then, will you meet me in the schoolroom at eight o'clock in the +morning?" + +"Very well." + +No more was said, but Lionel kept his appointment. It was, as Marian +guessed a recommendation of his brother's. Walter had asked him to get +one of his sisters to read to him, and Lionel had made the request to +Marian, as his real sister, though he had never told Walter whether he +meant to take his advice. + +The next Sunday, Marian, on coming down after dressing for dinner, was +surprised to find Elliot standing by the fire. He just inclined his +bead, and moved his lips by way of greeting. + +"When did you come home?" said she drily. + +"Half-an-hour ago." + +The answer was brief and with no encouragement to say more. She thought +he looked dark and moody, and, taking up a book, was silent. The next +time the door opened, it was Lionel who entered. He frowned and gazed +up, perceiving the figure but not able to make it out. "Ha, Lionel! How +d'ye do?" said Elliot in a short, gruff, indifferent voice; without +moving or attempting to shake hands, without any token that he thought +of Lionel's misfortune. + +Lionel's equally indifferent tone, "How d'ye do?" was sign enough to +Marian that he was hurt. He came and sat by her, talked fast and low, +and laughed several times in the constrained manner he used to put on by +way of bravado; Elliot all the time taking no notice. The others soon +made their appearance. Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell had seen him before, and to +his sisters his greeting was much in the same style, hardly vouchsafing +any recognition of Caroline at all. + +The cloud was thicker and darker than ever all dinner time. Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell tried in vain to talk, he answered them in a short snappish way +which he was apt to assume whenever his father made any attempt to check +his extravagance. + +The ladies and Lionel were glad to get into the drawing-room, and leave +him and his father to themselves. Tea came and they did not appear, ten +o'clock struck, half-past, and they came not. The ladies were putting +away their books, and thinking of wishing good night when suddenly the +door was thrown open, and in tramped Mr. Lyddell, red with passion, +while behind him came Elliot, with less of violence, but with a dark +scowl of resentment on his downcast and always unpleasant face. + +"Caroline!" began Mr. Lyddell, in a voice of thunder, and great was the +alarm of all, for her sake, as she turned pale and trembled. "Caroline! +You have my full consent to do as you please. You may break with +Faulkner to-morrow, if you like!" + +Some discovery! thought Marian, transfixed with wonder and hope; +Caroline sat still but for her trembling, her face bent down, and her +hands nervously clasped together. + +"Now, sir," proceeded Mr. Lyddell, turning round on Elliot, "you see if +I am the tyrant you would make me. You see if I am going to force my +daughter into a marriage against her wish--sacrifice my whole family +because I have an ill-conditioned scamp of a good-for-nothing son. You +see." + +"I do see, sir," muttered Elliot; "and you'll see whether you like the +consequences." + +Marian thought she had better be out of this family scene, and had her +hand on the door, but Mr. Lyddell called out "Stay here! Marian! I +don't care if all the world heard me. He thinks he can threaten me into +tyranny over her inclinations, and I tell him she is as free as air! I +vow----." + +"Mr. Lyddell! do consider, do think," expostulated his wife; "I daresay +Elliot was a little too vehement a partizan for his friend----." + +"Friend! Pshaw! He care for his friend!" said Mr. Lyddell scornfully. +"'Tis for himself he is a partizan, I tell you. Nothing else does he +care a straw for. 'Tis for nothing but the saving of her fortune that he +would have me persecute his sister into this marriage! Aye! he has the +face to tell me so! and what more do you think he comes and says to me! +Why! that Lionel will be nothing but a burthen for ever! A pretty pass +things are come to when he speaks after that fashion of his own brother! +He cared for his friend, indeed!" + +"No one ever thought of compelling Caroline," pleaded Mrs. Lyddell. + +"But I tell you he did," interrupted her husband. "I told him I was very +sorry, but I could not help it; if she would have her own way, I could +not make her marry the man against her will, and he answers in his +sneering way that it is all nonsense, he would be bound to make her give +up in no time--any man could bring a girl to reason. As if I was to +persecute my daughter to force her into what she tells me is against her +conscience. Better too much conscience than none at all, I tell you, +Master Elliot." + +"We had better bring this scene to an end, sir," said Elliot sullenly. +"We understand each other." + +So saying, he took up his candle and flung out of the room. The girls +were but too glad to escape, and Lionel followed them, leaving Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell to themselves. + +Caroline and Clara both were trembling like aspen leaves, each threw an +arm round Marian's waist, and leant against her as soon as they were +out of the room. She had been startled and trembling before, but their +fright seemed to give her firmness; and it was well, for Caroline's +knees shook so much, and she was so nervous that she could hardly have +reached her room without support. Clara began to exclaim, but Marian +stopped her, made her fetch some camphor julep, helped Caroline to +undress, and put her to bed. Caroline hardly spoke all the time, but +as Marian bent over her to kiss her, and wish her good night, she +whispered, "I may soon be able to have you again, dear Marian!" + +Marian went to bed, wondering at all that had passed, indignant with +Elliot, pleased with Mr. Lyddell, hopeful for Caroline, and cheered by +finding that she had not been thought unkind. + +She heard doors opened and shut, and the trampling of feet the next +morning, and when Lionel met her in the schoolroom for their reading, +he told her that be had been overtaken by Elliot running down stairs at +full speed; and had only just time to clear out of his way. "And hark! +is not there something at the front door? Look out, Marian." + +Marian looked from the window. "Yes! It is his dog-cart. Can he be going +away, Lionel?" + +"Going off in a rage!" said Lionel, looking grave; "I thought there was +mischief in his voice last night." + +"Yes, there is his portmanteau," said Marian, in a tone of +consternation; for little as she liked Elliot, it was too shocking to +see a son thus leave his father's roof. + +"It is a pretty piece of work," said Lionel. "He has been coming it a +little too strong for my father, it seems! Well, poor Caroline will be +let alone, that is one good thing; but I am afraid he will go and get +into some tremendous scrape, if it is only for the sake of spiting my +father." + +"It is very dreadful!" said Marian, sighing. + +"I am very glad my father was so angry, though!" said Lionel. "Wanting +him to drive poor Caroline into it by unkindness! That was a little too +bad!" + +"Yes, indeed," said Marian. "But O! here he comes out of the door with +his cigar. He is getting in! There he goes! O, Lionel!" + +They both were silent for some little time. Then Marian took up the +prayer-book, and began the Psalm, and when she heard Lionel's voice +join in the Doxology, a thrill came home to her, making her feel that +blindness might yet be indeed the blessing to him that faith taught her +to know it must be. How much better to be thus than like his brother. + +When they met the others at breakfast, it proved that they alone knew of +the departure; Mr. Lyddell interrogated Elliot's servant, and heard from +him that he had orders to follow his master to Paris as soon as he had +packed up his goods. This was all that could be learnt, and all that +Marian could make out as to what had passed, was that he had been +strongly averse to Caroline's engagement being broken off, that he +had tried to induce his father to insist upon it, and to drive her to +overcome her reluctance by what could be only understood as domestic +persecution, and that in short he had allowed his unfeeling selfishness +to appear to such a degree, that it had positively revolted his father, +whose displeasure had long been excited by the extravagance that had +been causing serious inconvenience, and who instantly, while under the +influence of his first indignation, resolved to show that he would +not be domineered over, nor sacrifice the rest of the family to the +extravagance which he had already too freely supplied. + +Mr. Lyddell had given his consent while angry, and he could not retract +it when he was cool. Caroline therefore might write her letter as soon +as she pleased. She had nothing to dread from him; indeed, as if out of +opposition to Elliot, he was kinder to her than he had ever been before, +called her "my dear" more than once, and observed on her pale looks. Her +mother spoke little to her, and that little was cold and unkind, while +she looked so vexed and unhappy that even Marian had some feeling for +her, and what must it have been for her own daughter? However, all open +opposition was withdrawn, and Caroline had only herself to struggle +with. There was no reason why she should not once more seek comfort from +Marian, yet all that day she kept at a distance, and it was not till the +next evening that she came into Marian's room, and sinking into a chair, +murmured, "I have done it." + +"Written your letter?" + +"Sent it." + +"O, I am so glad!" + +"Glad?" + +"Yes, but you will be glad when it is over." + +"O!" sighed Caroline, incredulously. "You know nothing about it. +Marian." + +"Every one must be glad to have done right," said Marian, firmly. + +"O what a week it has been! And I have sown dissension in the family! +And no one can tell what may be the consequence with Elliot! And he will +be unhappy! O! Marian--I wish--I wish you had let me go on my own way +and be miserable alone," added she with a kind of anger. + +"It was your own doing," said Marian gently; "you felt it to be right. +Only worse misery could come of your going on, for that would have been +positive wrong; now it must and will get better." + +"I don't know," sighed Caroline. "I never knew till now how much I cared +for him! O, Marian!" and she burst into a hearty fit of crying. + +Marian was perplexed, as she always was when any one cried, and stood +without a word till Caroline had relieved herself by tears, and began to +speak again. It was very sad and melancholy, and it was very difficult +to find anything to answer; Marian could see no consolation but that +"it was right," and that did not seem to have much effect on Caroline; +while, added to the former trouble of renouncing the man who loved her, +and of grieving her parents, there was the dread of what Elliot might do +in his anger. + +However, the being able to pour everything out to so true a friend was +more of a comfort than anything that, could have been said to her. She +told Marian that she had gone through the conversations with her father +and mother better than she could have thought possible. She could not +desert poor Walter, that was one thing that helped her, she must stand +by him, and papa was not half so angry as she expected. It seemed as if +her strength had grown with each occasion for it. The first effort of +writing to Walter had cost her most of all, then the allowing him to +break the matter to her father had been dreadful; but after all, the +conferences with her parents, singly and together, had not been as bad +as the fear of them, and Marian tried to persuade her that it would be +the same when she saw Mr. Faulkner, but poor Caroline shook her head, +and said Marian knew nothing about it. And Marian was much of the same +opinion, and held her peace, but before the end of the conversation she +had the great pleasure of hearing Caroline say, "The thought of being +able to have you again has been the one great help to me through all!" + +Two days after this, as Marian and Lionel were going out riding +together, Marian exclaimed, "I do believe that is Mr. Faulkner!" + +"Where?" + +"Riding on the Salisbury road," said Marian; "I am sure it is his +horse." + +"Don't let us meet him! can't we get out of the way?" said Lionel. +"Aren't we somewhere near the thorny lane?" + +"No, but we might ride off on the Down. Only take care, Lionel; you had +better keep close to me," said Marian, much more unwilling to meet Mr. +Faulkner than to conduct Lionel through the ups and downs of the green, +chalky common. + +She watched and guided his pony up the bank and upon the Down, and on +they trotted fast, for Marian was actuated by a very undignified fit +of terror lest she should meet Mr. Faulkner, towards whom she felt +positively guilty, nor did she wish to be seen fleeing from him. + +"We must be out of sight of the road by this time, aren't we?" said +Lionel. + +"I don't know," Marian turned her head to see. At that moment Lionel's +pony stepped into a hole, stumbled, and when she looked back again, +there was Lionel on the ground. Her head swam with fear, but the next +moment Lionel was on his feet and laughing. + +"Not hurt, Lionel! are you sure?" + +"Not a bit! Is that Sorrel?" + +Sorrel was rushing off with his bridle loose, and Marian began to dread +having Mr. Faulkner's assistance in catching him. "Stand still, Lionel!" +she called, and then riding between Sorrel and the road, she managed to +turn him towards a long hedge that crossed the Down, saw him stop to eat +a tuft of grass, made a grasp at his bridle, but failed, while he dashed +off across the Down, happily not towards the road. + +She called to Lionel, told him of her ill success, and begged him not to +move, while she again pursued the runaway, and a long dance he led her, +far out of sight of Lionel. Once she had considerable hopes, when she +came in sight of a shepherd boy, who stood in amaze at the lady in chase +of the runaway steed, then came up with a run to cut off its course, but +so awkwardly that the pony was still more frightened, and galloped off +in another direction faster than ever! Poor Marian! However after full +half an hour, she succeeded in hunting him into a narrow place between +two fields, ending in a gate, caught safely hold of the rein, kept it +fast, and at length led Sorrel back in triumph to the spot where poor +Lionel stood still patiently. She called out to him as soon as she came +near enough to make her voice heard, and he answered, and walked forward +to meet the dark shapes, which were all that he could see. + +Marian feared that he would be very much mortified at having been +obliged to remain thus helpless, while a girl was doing what he would +have so much enjoyed, and she looked anxiously at his face, alas! she +could look there now without his knowing it. It was disconsolate, but +the look was not bitter. She held Sorrel while he mounted, and she then +apologized for having been so long, and said she feared he had thought +she had forgotten him. He made not much reply, did not even ask how she +had managed to catch the pony. Marian conducted him safely into the road +before she would speak again. He did, however, congratulate himself on +not having been obliged to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner for catching +the pony, as well as on Sorrel's not having gone home to tell the tale +himself. + +"Yes, indeed, they would have been terribly frightened," said Marian. + +"Ay, and if they once knew of my tumble, they would never let us go out +riding again." + +"But, Lionel, we must tell," said Marian. + +"Just like a girl!" grumbled Lionel. "Then there's an end of all our +rides, and all the comfort that I have in life." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "At any rate I can't ride with you, I +should not think it right, unless Mr. Lyddell knew of this fall. It is +my concern and not yours, for it was all through my carelessness." + +"You go on just as if you were a child still," said Lionel, still cross. + +"Well, Lionel, I believe the only way is to manage ourselves as if we +were children still." + +"All very fine," was Lionel's surly answer, and they rode on, while +Marian was very unhappy. She blamed herself for having given way to a +foolish fit of nervous bashfulness, which had led to what might have +been a serious accident to her especial charge. It had further made a +very unpleasant confession needful, and Lionel's vexation and irritation +seemed to have overcome all his late improvement. The thought of what +poor Caroline was going through was enough to stifle everything else, +and Marian wondered at herself, as for a sort of unkindness, in having +been so fully occupied as to have had no time for anxiety. + +Both had been very silent ever since Lionel's reply, until Marian asked +him to strike his repeater. It was half-past five, and they turned +homewards, taking a bye road so as to avoid meeting Mr. Faulkner. And +now Lionel began to talk of Caroline, and wonder how she had sped. He +seemed to throw off his own private troubles as he talked of hers, and +his fit of petulance was melting fast away. At last he made up his mind +to inquire how she had caught Sorrel, and was positively interested in +the narration, laughing at the idea of the scrape they would have been +in if Sorrel had made his way to the road, and Mr. Faulkner had caught +him. + +He said no more about the confession, but it was evident that he had +conquered his annoyance sooner than he had ever done before. Marian had +not theorized on the matter, but if she had she could not have judged +better, for Lionel was far better dealt with by being bold and +uncompromising. It was very strange to have this concern of their own so +much on their minds when Caroline's fate was at its crisis, yet perhaps +it was good for Marian to be thus occupied, since she was apt to suffer +very much from anxiety, as persons of her calm and reserved demeanour +often do. A sickening, throbbing, trembling feeling came over her, +making her temples beat and her hands cold, as she came into the house, +expecting to hear whether Caroline had endured and been true to herself, +and it was well she had not had longer to suffer from it. + +No one was in the drawing-room, and she ran as fast as her trembling +knees would allow to Caroline's room, knocked, received no answer, +opened the door, and saw Caroline stretched out on her bed, in a state +best described by the French word _anéantissement_, for it was not +fainting, but the sort of prostration consequent on the completion of an +effort for which she had wound herself up. She was very pale, her eyes +were shut, and her breath came short. Marian stood watching her in +alarm, wondering whether to speak, and how. At last Caroline looked up, +held out her hand, and drew Marian down on her knees till her face was +level with hers, then put her arm round her neck. + +"Dear Caroline!" said Marian, though it was not easy to say anything, +"you will be happier now." + +A more caressing person would have been much more at ease herself and +given more comfort to Caroline, that must be confessed, but as there was +no one else to be had, Marian was obliged to do her best, and this was +to kiss Caroline timidly and say, "I am so glad you have done right." + +But Caroline only hid her face at the word _glad_ and murmured, "You +never did him justice! You never did!" + +"If it had not been for the want of that one thing he would have been +all right," said Marian. + +"O, he is very noble! he has such a mind! such--such--O, he loved me so +much," and Caroline fell into a paroxysm of silent misery. Marian began +to dread lest the parting had not been final, and though doubtful +whether she ought to ask, could not help saying, "But is it over?" + +"Yes, yes; you have your wish, Marian. It is done! He is angry with me +now! It is over, and I am wretched for life!" + +"Not so wretched as if you had done wrong." said Marian. Caroline did +not turn away this time, and Marian gathered courage to say, "You have +persevered, and now there will be comfort. There will always be comfort +in knowing you have tried to do right. Walter will be so glad, and so +will Lionel." + +"Lionel," repeated Caroline. + +"Yes, he has been very anxious about you." + +"Poor boy!" sighed Caroline. "Well, Marian, there is one thing still to +be done. Only one, and it is all that I shall live for. I shall devote +myself to him, if I can but do anything to please him, and make him care +for me when you are gone. It will be my one object." + +"Yes," said Marian, "it will be very good for you both." + +They were interrupted by Clara, who came in, dressed for dinner, pitying +Caroline, and telling Marian it was very late. Caroline sat up, but she +had a violent nervous headache, and they both persuaded her to lie down +again. + +Marian ran off to dress, and though the dinner-bell rang in the midst +of her hurried toilette, came back to look at Caroline, beg her to keep +quiet, and promise to come up as soon as dinner was over. As she went +down, the other trouble of having to confess their adventure came over +her, but she was resolute, in spite of the want of favour with which she +knew she was regarded. + +Want of favour, evident from the scrupulous formality with which she was +treated; for if she had been like a daughter of the house, as she ought +to have been, would they have waited dinner for her, and let her find +them all looking uncomfortable and expectant in the drawing-room? They +went into the dining-room; there was a silent, formal dinner, nothing +like a family party. As soon as the servants had left the room. Marian +quailing secretly, not from fear of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, but lest +Lionel should lose his rides, began, "I have a confession to make, Mr. +Lyddell," and told the story of the accident, explaining how it was +entirely caused by her carelessness. + +Exclamations and inquiries arose, and Mrs. Lyddell certified herself by +several questions that Lionel had not been hurt, but not one of them was +addressed to Marian. It was as if this was only one among many injuries, +too frequent for a reproach more or less to be needed. Mr. Lyddell did +not take it half so much to heart, and no prohibition against future +rides was issued, for the truth was that no one liked to mortify Lionel. +It was exactly one of the cases in which the whole danger is not +conquered, because it melts at the very aspect of moral courage. + +It was not comfortable to have to walk away to Caroline, knowing how +much she had displeased Mrs. Lyddell; but it must be done, and it was, +at least, agreeable to leave these cold looks. She found Caroline +better, and able to tell her something of what had passed. At first Mr. +Faulkner would not believe her to be in earnest, and had imagined this +was a way of showing her displeasure at his long absence, or some +trifling "lovers' quarrel;" but when he found that she really meant +what she said, and her tears and stifled whispers alike announced her +adherence to what she had expressed in her letter, he became extremely +angry, thought himself, (as indeed he might with some justice) very +ill-used, and though he had retained his gentlemanlike manner and +language, had pretty plainly expressed that Miss Lyddell should have +known her own mind. Poor Caroline wept bitterly, beseeching that they +might not part in anger, but he disavowed all irritation, and took a +cold, courteous leave, which wounded her more than all. + +Marian could not easily sympathise with regrets for such a lover, but +she liked to magnify the sacrifice in order to admire it more, and +greatly rejoiced in being able to give full admiration to one whom she +had learnt to love so heartily as Caroline. Such a triumph over natural +timidity and feebleness of character was indeed a great and gallant +thing, and Marian used to muse and wonder at it in her solitary hours. +There was still much to suffer externally as well as internally; there +was the return of letters and presents, with all their associations; +there was the feeling of the pain and offence given to Lady Julia and +her daughters; there was the perception of the opinions of the world, +and the certainty that all the gossips of the neighbourhood were busy +with their conjectures; there was the continued anxiety about Elliot, +and the marked vexation and displeasure of Mrs. Lyddell, who treated +Caroline as one who had disappointed all her best hopes. + +Under all this there was only Marian to sustain Caroline, and their +friendship was an additional offence. Marian knew that Mrs. Lyddell +regarded her as the head of a hostile party, and a sower of dissension +in the family, by no means an agreeable footing on which to stand; but +the only way, was to appear completely unconscious, and behave as far as +possible as usual. She was grateful to them for making it no worse, and +still more for not having objected to her continuing her rides with +Lionel, from whom, it may well be believed, she scarcely ever took her +eyes, from the time his foot was in the stirrup. + +Lionel was triumphant at the dismissal of "Julian the apostate," but he +was disappointed to find that Caroline did not recover her spirits "now +she had had her own way, and got rid of the man." He did not like to +have her presence announced by a sigh, and to hear the subdued, dejected +tone of her voice, and he used to wonder over it with Marian, who +laughed at him for fancying it was such an easy matter to part with a +lover, yet agreed that it was hard to understand how there could be love +where there was no esteem. Lionel used to consult her as to what was to +be done to cheer his sister, since his mother would only make everything +worse and he could not bear her continued melancholy. + +"I do believe, Lionel," said Marian, "that you could do more for her +than any body else. If you would but sometimes let her do things for +you, ask her to help you, as--as you ask me." + +Lionel would not take the suggestion as she wished. "I thought you liked +to help me," said he, in a somewhat offended tone. + +"O, don't I?" cried Marian, eagerly; "but so does every one, if you +would only allow them." + +Lionel flourished the little switch in his hand till it made an +ill-tempered "_swish!_" and Marian knew that he thought her ungrateful +for the exclusive preference with which he honoured her. + +"She is your sister," she added. + +"Very well," said Lionel, crossly shaking off her arm, "I shall know +what to be at, if you are tired of helping me." + +He could not see the tears in her eyes, and though she was extremely +grieved, her voice did not betray how strong her feeling was. "Tired! +O Lionel, how can you think it? But would it not be better to learn to +depend less on me against I go away?" + +"Ay, and glad enough you'll be to go." + +"For all but your sake and poor Caroline's," said Marian. "Mrs. Lyddell +does not like to have me here." + +"It would not be fair to want to keep you," said Lionel, "but----" + +"I should have much more comfort in going if I thought you and Caroline +were helping each other," said Marian. "I know she wants to make you her +first object." + +Lionel made no answer nor any change in his ways for some days, yet +sometimes it seemed, as if when he thought of it, he was more willing +to allow Caroline to do him some of the small services which his fast +increasing blindness rendered necessary. Caroline being more dexterous +and neat-handed than Marian, did them well, and then Marian was vexed +with herself for a few feelings like annoyance at not being equally +necessary to Lionel, but she persevered, encouraged by seeing the +comfort that each approach on his part seemed to give his sister. It was +the hardest thing Marian had ever had to do, to give up the being first +with him, as she must cease to be when the natural affection of the +brother and sister was called into play. But it was right, and she would +bear it. She thought it right as well as very pleasant to accept an +invitation from the Wortleys to come and spend the Christmas holidays +with them, joining her brother on the railroad, and meeting Edmund at +Fern Torr. The repose would be beyond everything delightful, and no less +so, the being in a house where her presence was welcome to every member +of the family. Besides, she longed to see and to talk to Agnes, and the +more she thought of her promised visit the more she enjoyed it. + +Caroline and Lionel both were very sorry to part with her, and jointly +and separately lamented her going; but Caroline blamed herself for +selfishness in wishing to keep her, and perceived that it would be a +good thing that her brother should begin to be weaned from his sole +dependance upon her, while Lionel seemed half afraid to trust her to +depart, lest she should never return, and insisted on half a dozen +promises that she would come back at the end of Gerald's holidays. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + "They made a famous procession + My good little women and men; + Such a sight was never seen before + And never will again." + + SOUTHEY. + + +A division of a first-class carriage, occupied only by Gerald, received +Marian at the station, and first she had to be shown the hat, cloak, and +umbrella with which he had constructed an effigy, which, as he firmly +believed, had frightened away all who had thought of taking a seat in +it. + +"Thinking you a mad monkey, and that your keeper," said Marian, looking +proudly at the handsome face and dancing black eyes of her beautiful +brother. "Why! how you are grown, Gerald! Do stand up, and let me see if +you are not taller than I am." + +"No, not quite so tall, unless it is your bonnet," said Gerald, after +craning up his neck in vain. + +"At any rate, you are taller than Lionel. He only comes up to my ear," +said Marian. + +"Poor Lionel! How are his eyes?" + +"O Gerald, it is very sad. He has very little sight left. I believe he +finds his way about quite by feeling now. It has grown worse so much +faster in these last three weeks." + +"Poor fellow! What can he do all day?" + +A long description followed, and then Gerald wanted to hear all about +Caroline, and what Marian thought fit to tell him, together with his +comments, lasted till, in spite of his effigy, a lady made an entrance, +and for some time Gerald was reduced to silence, and as he sat on the +same side, to making horrible sidelong scowls at her, out of her sight, +which sorely tried his sister's propriety of countenance. + +The tongues of two such happy people could not long, however, continue +tied, and presently Gerald rattled off into a history of his sporting +adventures in Scotland, as if he would detail every shot. The narration +was endless, and very tiresome it would have been to any woman but a +sister, and a sister who had so much of the hunter spirit in her as +Marian; but she listened and sympathised with all her heart and soul, +and understood why such a shot was a good one, and why such another +failed, and was absorbed in the interest of the attempt to recover a +wounded bird when the retriever was stupid, long after the intruder had +made her exit, and they might have returned to matters touching her more +closely, though regarded by Gerald as hardly equal in importance to roe +deer, salmon, and grouse. + +They were on Devonshire ground before they ever began to rejoice over +Edmund's engagement, and from thence to talk of Edmund himself. Gerald +pronounced many an eulogium on him, in which praises of his excellence +as a fisherman and sportsman were strangely mixed with a real genuine +appreciation of his goodness and superiority. + +"'Tis a capital thing that he is come home to stay," said Gerald, +heartily. + +"Isn't it?" + +"I like him specially," said Gerald. "Do you know he showed me some of +my father's letters." + +"Did he indeed?" + +"That he did. It was before I was born, when he thought he was going to +have Fern Torr and all, he had rather an idle fit, and these were what +papa wrote to him." + +"Was Edmund ever idle?" exclaimed Marian, falling into a reverie of +wonder whether this did not make it more hopeful for Gerald. + +"I am very glad he has got this money," proceeded Gerald. "I only wish +it was more. One letter he showed me that was best of all. It was from +my father when I was born. You can't think what a nice letter it was. +There was something about its being a disappointment to him--to Edmund, +I mean, but how papa cared for him as much as ever, and thought after +all it might be better for him in the end. And then, Marian, papa said +he could hardly expect to live till I was grown up, and he asked Edmund +to be my godfather, and said he trusted to him to be like an elder +brother to us." + +"That he is!" murmured Marian. + +"Edmund said he wished me to read it that I might not think him +interfering." + +"You never could have thought so!" + +"I don't know. I could not have stood it from some people, but I could +see the sense of what Edmund said." + +Without entering into particulars, Gerald was now all freedom and +openness, casting quite away the restraint that had so long grieved his +sister. How happy she was! + +Mr. Wortley himself met them at Exeter, and in spite of the early +darkness of the winter day, Charles and James met them at the foot of +Blackstone hill, and Edmund and Agnes were a little further on. + +What a happy greeting it was! Marian and Gerald would jump out and walk +home with them, the boys ran and called in the dark, the stars came out +overhead, the tall hedges kept out all the glimmering light, splashes +alone made them aware of the puddles; but on the happy party tramped, +all talking an unmitigated flow of merry nonsense, laughing and enjoying +it, all the more the darker and stranger it grew, and merrier than all, +when they got home, at Mrs. Wortley's dismay at their having dragged +Marian a mile and a half, in the dark and dirt, after her long journey. +"Pretty guardians to have the care of her!" + +All the evening again there was nothing but fun and joyousness, fun of +the brightest, happiest kind, positively wild in the three boys, and +Edmund not much less so, the girls weary with laughing, and contributing +their share to the sport. A person must have lived like Marian, pent up +by formalities and the certainty of being disliked, to know what was +the enjoyment of the perfect liberty and absence from constraint, the +thorough home-like feeling of every one loving and understanding each +other, which existed at Fern Torr. How delightful it was to have no +heart achings for Gerald, to see Edmund just like his old self, and the +dear Agnes, so very lovely and bright! so very unlike her only former +experience of betrothed lovers. It was no small happiness to the Fern +Torr party to have one so prized and loved as Marian to rejoice with +them, indeed, all this evening every one was too joyous to dwell on any +of the causes of their felicity, it was nothing but high spirits, and +unreflective mirth. + +When they had bidden each other good night, and were gone up stairs, +there was more of gravity and thought. Marian and Agnes could have sat +up talking half the night, if Mrs. Wortley would have allowed them, but +she said Marian must have time to rest, and ruthlessly condemned her to +bed. + +Never did Marian spend so happy a Christmas. There was plenty of depth +and earnestness in her _tête-à-têtes_ with Agnes, when they talked +over the wonders that had happened to them both, and always ended by +returning to recollections of happy old days before Marian left +Fern Torr, when Edmund had been the prime mover of every delightful +adventure. Marian was as good as a sister to each of the lovers, so +heartily did she help each one to admire the other. Or when they were +"lovering," as the boys chose to call their interminable wanderings in +the manor gardens, Marian used to be extremely happy with Mrs. Wortley, +talking over the history of the engagement, and settling how and when +the love began. Mr. Wortley suggested that the first attraction had been +Agnes' unmitigated horror of the Lyddells, which he declared had won Mr. +Arundel's heart, though he never owned how much he participated in it. +It needs not to be stated how Edmund's noble behaviour was appreciated, +more especially after the new lights which Marian was able to throw upon +it. + +Then came the discussion of the plans for the house which Edmund was to +build, on a farm, which had come into the market at the very nick of +time, just on the other side of the hill, and in Fern Torr parish. +Marian and Gerald were taken the first day to look and advise whether +the new house should be on the old site, or under the shelter of a great +old slate quarry, crested with a wood, a beautiful view spread before +it, and capacities for making the loveliest garden that was ever seen. + +Edmund sketched house and garden in every possible point of view, each +prettier than the other, and all the young gave their voices eagerly for +the quarry, while the old protested on the difficulty of getting so far +up the hill, and suggested damp. But the young carried the day, and the +plans were drawn and debated on a dozen times in twenty-four hours, +always including the prettiest of little sitting-rooms for Marian, with +a window opening into the garden, and a door into the drawing-room, and +then came letters to architects and calculations with builders, and +reckonings that the house should be habitable by next September, and Mr. +Wortley laughing at their credulity for expecting it. + +Marian was surprised to find how far away and secondary seemed the +thoughts that had of late engrossed her entirely. She wondered to +discover how little her mind had been occupied with Caroline and Lionel, +fond as she was of them and very anxious about them. This was so very +different a world! and she felt so much more as if she belonged to it. +She obtained from Agnes some admiration for Caroline's conduct, though +in somewhat of the "better late than never" style, and at the price of +warm abuse of the parents, in which Marian was not indisposed to join. + +Caroline wrote nearly every day, saying that she missed Marian +dreadfully, and that her letters were the only comfort she had; she +would not wish her back again, for that would be selfish, but it would +be a joyful day when she returned. These constant letters, which Marian +always kept to herself, rather surprised the Wortleys, but Edmund could +better guess at her position. "Depend upon it," he said to Agnes, "it is +she who has saved Miss Lyddell." + +"O, Edmund! do you think so? I wanted to have thought so, but she says +it was the brother." + +"He took the steps which would not have become Marian, but Walter +Lyddell could never have moved without his sister, and where could she +have found the principle but in Marian? I see now that her perseverance +in right is beginning to tell on those around her, in spite of all +untoward circumstances." + +"I don't know anything like Marian!" said Agnes. "How very fine her +countenance is!" + +"That steadfast brow and lip." + +"I saw her yesterday standing on the edge of a rock looking out on the +view, and she was like some statue of Fortitude." + +"Yes, Marian is a grand creature," said Edmund; "so strong and firm, yet +with such feminine, retiring strength. There are still prejudices +and little roughnesses, but I doubt whether they have not been her +safeguard, outworks to secure the building, and I think they are +disappearing with the occasion." + +"Ah! papa and mamma think her very much softened down." + +"She has had a very hard part to act, and her shyness and rigidity have +been great helps to her, but I am glad to see them wearing away, and +especially pleasant it is to see her expand and show her true self +here." + +"And to know she may soon be free of them all for ever!" said Agnes. + +The time when Marian was to be free of them for ever, as Agnes said, +was to be the next summer. Edmund and Agnes were to be married in July, +Marian would then come to Fern Torr, and comfort Mrs. Wortley for losing +her daughter, till the holidays began, when Edmund and Agnes would +return, and some undefined scheme of delight was to be settled on for +Gerald's holidays, until the house should be ready. Gerald was in the +meantime very agreeable and satisfactory on the whole. He was too busy +drawing varieties of stables for Edmund, to talk about his own, and +marvellous were the portraits of the inhabitants with which he would +decorate Edmund's elevations, whenever he found them straying about +the room. Very mischievous indeed was the young gentleman, and Marian +considered him to have been "a great deal too bad" when on a neat, +finished plan, just prepared to be sent to the builder, she found +unmistakeable likenesses of the whole Wortley family, herself and +Gerald, assembled round a great bowl of punch, large enough to drown +them all, drinking to the health of Edmund and Agnes, who were riding in +at the gate, pillion fashion, supposed to be returning after the honey +moon, which in one corner of the picture was represented in a most +waning state, but the man in the moon squinting down at them with a +peculiarly benignant expression of countenance. + +Marian was very angry, but Edmund and Agnes would do nothing but laugh, +though the whole plan had to be drawn over again, and Edmund was kept at +work with ruler, scale, and compasses the whole evening, Marian scolding +Gerald all the time, and Edmund too, for spoiling him, thinking her +cousin the most heroically good natured and good tempered man in the +world to bear with such an idle monkey, and laugh at the waste of time +and trouble; and getting at last a glimmering perception that these +tricks, thus met, were the greatest proof of good understanding and +friendship. It ended in Gerald's inking in the plan, of his own free +will, and very neatly, and getting up at six, the next morning, to ride +to Exeter, in the dark cold misty December twilight, to take it to the +builder, that no time might be lost; indeed, as he boasted, it was there +a quarter of an hour before it would have come by post, as it would have +done had it gone yesterday. + +Gerald's studies were not extensive, but Edmund, by some magic secret, +unknown to Marian, made him read history to himself for a short space +every morning. The sporting paper had disappeared, and nothing was heard +of Elliot or of Queen Pomare, while though he could not yet go the +length of talking to the poor people himself, he stood by very civilly +while Edmund talked to them. + +The first ten days of Marian's stay had thus passed, when Caroline one +day mentioned in her letter that mamma had a regularly bad influenza +cold, and was quite laid up. It was aggravated, Caroline said, by the +distress they were all in about Elliot. "But you will hear enough of +this when you come back," wrote she, "so I will not grieve you with +it now; though it is an additional load upon my mind--an additional +offence, I fear, in poor mamma's eyes, since all this would not have +come to light had I persisted. But you must not think I am repenting, +for I never was further from regretting what I have done. The different +spirit in which I could come to this Christmas feast, is a blessing to +be purchased at any price, even at such wretchedness as it has been this +autumn; and most earnestly do I thank you, dearest Marian. I can thank +you by letter, though we never can speak of such things. Yes, I thank +you. I regret nothing but my previous folly and weakness, and bitterly +do I suffer for them; though all is better now, and Christmas has +brought me peace and calm. It is as if the storm was lulled at last, and +nothing left but dreariness, and the longing to be at rest. How bright +the world was before me not a year ago! and now how worn out it +seems,--only three comforts left in it, you, and Walter, and poor +Lionel. For Lionel is a comfort; he is very kind and considerate, and, I +do believe, softens mamma towards me. I suppose it is best for us that +our hearts should have no home but one above; and if I was sure it was +not disgust and disappointment, I should hope I was seeking one there; +for I know the only feeling of rest and refreshment is in turning +thither, and surely that must come from the FATHER, Who is ready to +receive me. But I must leave off, for mamma is too unwell to be long +left. + +"Your most affectionate + +"CAROLINE LYDDELL." + + +After this, the letters, hitherto constant, ceased entirely, and Marian +grew very uneasy. Her mother had died of influenza, so that the name +gave her a fatal impression; and she dreaded to hear that Mrs. Lyddell +was very ill, or that Caroline was ill herself. Another week, and at +length she heard from Clara, in answer to a letter of inquiry, and to +fix the day of her return. + + + "Oakworthy, Jan. 7th. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--Caroline desires me to write to + tell you, with her love, that she has this horrid influenza, and + has been in bed since Monday. She is very feverish, and + her throat so sore that she can hardly speak or swallow. + Sarah sat up with her last night, and I think she is a little + better this morning. Mamma is better, but only gets up for + a little while in the evening, and cannot leave her room. I + wish you were at home, for I don't know what to do: I am + running backwards and forwards between the two rooms all + day, and poor Lionel is so forlorn and solitary down stairs, + with only papa. There!--that great blot was a tear, for I + am so worn out with fatigue and nursing, that I am almost + overcome. This winter I was to have come out,--how very + different! I forgot to tell you, after all, that the carriage + shall meet you, as you mention, on the 15th. I wish it was + directly; they will be all well by the time you come. But + it is so very forlorn, and I am so nervous; so excuse this + scrawl. + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "CLARA LYDDELL." + +As soon as Marian read this letter, she gave it to Edmund, saying, "I +think I had better go home." + +"O, Marian, you must not cheat us!" cried Agnes. + +"I think they would be very glad of you," said Edmund, and withal +Marian's mind was made up, and she withstood all the persuasions +of Gerald and Agnes that it was nothing--nonsense--only Clara's +dismality--they would laugh at her for coming for nothing. No; Marian +knew she was no nurse, but she could not bear to think of Lionel left to +his blindness and helplessness, still less of Caroline, ill, and with no +one to cheer her. She was sure she was wanted by those two at least, and +she resolved that she would be at Oakworthy to-morrow evening, wrote +notice of her intention to Clara, and prepared for her journey, giving +up that precious last week, so prized because it was the last. She could +go alone with her maid; there was no use in spoiling Gerald's holidays; +so he would stay for all the delights that she gave up, ruining all by +her absence, as every one declared. + +Agnes grumbled and scolded her to her face, but made up for it out of +hearing, by admiring her more than ever. Mr. and Mrs. Wortley gave her +silent approval, and the boys would not wish her a pleasant journey. She +was ready early the next morning, and once more left Fern Torr, bright +with the promise that, when she was there next, it would be no more a +guest. + +She prosperously arrived at the station nearest Oakworthy, and soon saw +the servant waiting for her. "Is Miss Lyddell better?" + +"A little better than last night, ma'am. Mr. Lionel is in the carriage." + +Marian had not at all expected any one to meet her, especially Lionel, +coming all this distance in silence and darkness. She hastened to the +carriage, and saw him leaning forward, listening for her. His face +lighted up at her, "Well, Lionel," and he fairly hurt her, by the +tightness of his grasp, when once he had met her hand. "So, you're come! +What a time it has been since you went! Now you are come, I don't care." + +"And how are you?" she asked anxiously. + +"Bad enough to be going back to the oculist next week," he answered; "I +can't even see the light." + +A long silence; then, "How is Caroline?" + +"Pretty much the same; it is a bad, feverish cold, and shocking throat. +She breathes as if she was half stifled, and can hardly speak." + +"I suppose she has Mr. Wells?" + +"Yes, two or three times a day," + +"And Mrs. Lyddell is better?" + +"Better, but not out of her room. It has been a tolerable state of +things of late. Not a creature to speak to, except, now and then, Clara +coming down to maunder and sigh over all she has to do, and my father, +who has been thoroughly in a rage about Elliot. Do you know about all +that, Marian?" + +"No," she answered. + +"It is out now, why he was so set upon Caroline's marriage, he had got +Faulkner to back a bill for him; you don't know what that means, I +suppose," said Lionel, with his old superior manner;--"made him engage +that the money Elliot borrowed should be paid. There was to be some +shuffle between them about her fortune it seems; so after the engagement +was off, when the bill became due, Faulkner sent the holder of it to +my father for the money and the news of this set on all the other +creditors. No end of bills coming in, and he has been pretty nearly +crazy among them; says we shall be beggars, and I don't know what all! I +vow, it is my old plan coming right!" cried Lionel vehemently. "If the +man in London can but set my eyes to rights, I'd be off to Australia +to-morrow, instead of staying here to make all worse. Well, it's no use +thinking of it: if ever I make my fortune now, it will be with a dog in +a string, and a hat in his mouth." + +"But go on, Lionel; are the debts so very bad?" + +"I believe they are indeed, and no one knows the worst of them yet. No +wonder Elliot was off to Paris in such a hurry, like a coward as he is, +no one knows how he is ever to come back! And worst of all is to have +mamma going about saying 'tis Caroline's fault! Hadn't I rather come to +the hat and dog in good earnest than to see her marry that man? Why, +Marian, he is actually engaged to Miss Dashwood! What do you say to +that? To the Radical Dashwood's daughter that behaved so shamefully to +papa!" + +"The daughter?" + +"No, the man. Fit company for the apostate, isn't it? He had better have +begun with her. Fine love his must have been. Only six weeks. Should not +that cure Caroline?" + +"Has she heard it?" + +"No, we have only known it since she was ill, and Clara thought she had +better not tell her." + +"Very right of Clara," said Marian; "but I think she will be glad, when +she is well enough to be told." + +Fast and eagerly did Marian and Lionel talk all the way, sometimes +gravely and sorrowfully about Elliot and Caroline, sometimes cheerfully +about Fern Torr, Edmund, and Gerald, of whom Lionel wanted much to hear. +He clapped his hands, and danced himself up and down with ecstasy at the +history of Gerald's embellishments of the plans, vowed that Gerald was a +Trojan, and that it was as good as Beauty and the Beast, and seemed to +be enjoying a perfect holiday in having some one to speak to again. +"But," he said, "what a horrid bore it must have been to you to come +away!" + +"I thought I might be some help to Clara." + +"Did she make you think Caroline so very ill? Mr. Wells says it is only +a very bad cold. But I am very glad you are come." + +Clara met Marian in the hall. "O Marian, I am glad you are come, but +I am sorry you came home in such a hurry. Mamma says there was no +occasion, and that I need not have frightened you, for it is only a bad +attack of influenza." + +"Then I hope Caroline Is better." + +"Yes, rather, and she will be so glad to see you. Come to her at once, +won't you? she heard the carriage, and is watching for you." + +Marian hastily followed Clara to Caroline's room. In a few seconds both +Caroline's arms were thrown round her neck, and a burning feverish face +pressed to hers, then as she raised herself again, one of her hands +still held fast, and Caroline lay looking up to her with an expression +of relief and comfort. "Thank you," she murmured, in a hoarse low +painful whisper, the sound of which gave an impression of dismay to +Marian. Caroline was far worse than she had been prepared to sec her. +That loud, oppressed, gasping breathing, the burning fever of hands and +cheek, the parched lips,--this was far more than ordinary influenza. +Marian stood watching her a little while; speaking now and then, until +she closed her eyes in weariness, not for sleep, when she was about to +leave the room, but Caroline looked up again anxiously and restlessly, +and tried to say, "Come back." + +"Yes, I'll come in a moment," said Marian, "I'll only just take off my +bonnet, and go and see Mrs. Lyddell, if I may." + +"O, yes, she is up, she knows you are come," said Clara, and Marian was +presently knocking at Mrs. Lyddell's door. + +She found her sitting by the fire in a large easy chair, in her +dressing-gown and shawl, and was surprised at the first sight of her +too, for that very weakening complaint, the influenza, had made a great +change in her, perhaps assisted by all that she had gone through during +the last summer and autumn, beginning with the parting with John, the +grief and anxiety for Lionel, the disappointment and warfare with +Caroline, and worse than all, the discoveries respecting her eldest and +favourite son. She looked a dozen years older, all the clearness of her +complexion was gone, and the colouring that remained, as if ingrained, +was worse than paleness; her hand shook with weakness, and the only +trace of her prompt, decided activity was in the nervous agitation of +her movements, and the querulous sharpness of her tones, as if her +weakness was irritating to her. + +"Marian, how are you? I am sorry you have cut short your visit to +come back to a sick house. I am afraid Clara has been alarming you +needlessly." + +"I am very sorry to find you so unwell," said Marian; "I thought Clara +would want some help." + +"Thank you, it was very kind," said Mrs. Lyddell, rather sharply, as if +her thanks were only for form's sake. "Have you seen Caroline?" + +"Yes, and I am afraid she is very ill. Such a terrible oppression on her +breath." + +"Ah! so Clara says. Mr. Wells has been applying mustard poultices." + +"Have you had no further advice?" said Marian. + +"No. He managed me very well; he is perfectly competent to attend an +influenza such as this--a very simple affair." + +Mrs. Lyddell was evidently under the unreasonable infatuation that so +many people are subject to, who will go on trusting their favourite +apothecary, in spite of proofs that he is not to be trusted; but Marian, +in her short life, had heard a good deal of doctors, and whether +reasonably or not, had imbibed a distrust of country practitioners, +which Lionel's misfortune had not tended to remove in Mr. Wells' case. +Indeed, she had a particular dislike to the man, with his soft manner, +love of set speeches and fine words, and resolution not to own that +anything was the matter. There were stories abroad in the neighbourhood +of his treating cases wrongly because he would not own they were beyond +his skill. + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said she, very earnestly, "I do believe that Caroline is +very ill. I think her throat is in a very alarming state, and I should +not be at all satisfied to go on with no further advice." + +Mrs. Lyddell made some answer about girls being easily frightened, and +Marian went back to Caroline, very unhappy and anxious, and trying to +find comfort by telling herself that the cure does not depend alone on +the physician. + +However, the words she had spoken were not without effect. Mrs. +Lyddell's answer had been prompted by her first impulse of dislike and +opposition, as if Marian was taking still further upon her; but she +became very anxious when left alone. She thought that Marian's fresh eye +might be better able to judge of the degree of Caroline's illness; she +remembered how she had reproached herself about Lionel, and at last +worked herself into such a state of alarm and anxiety, that though she +had not yet walked further than to the window, she rose, left her room, +and presently was by her daughter's bed-side. + +There needed no more to convince her that Caroline was excessively ill, +and quick and prompt as ever, her first measure was to send Clara for +her father, and hold a consultation with him outside the door; a message +was despatched to hasten Mr. Wells, and the result was that a physician +was sent for. Marian, who had all this time been watching the severe +suffering, unable to do the least thing to alleviate it, was almost as +glad as if she had been told of Caroline's certain recovery. She had +again to tell herself not to put her trust in physicians. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + "Preach, read, and study as we will, + Death is the mighty teacher still." + + _Baptistery_. + + +Caroline continued very ill all the evening, hardly able to to look up, +and every attempt to speak or swallow causing her great pain. Her mother +would not leave her again, and sat watching her, and she smiled, and +gave a pleased look of surprise at her kindness, which she had so long +missed; but her chief comfort seemed to be in Marian's presence. She +followed her about the room with her eyes, and was uneasy whenever she +fancied that she was going out of the room. + +She was not told that the physician was coming till he was actually +in the house, and then she gave Marian a quick, sharp look of alarmed +inquiry; but Marian was not able to answer, as she had to leave her to +his visit. When it was over, and Marian returned, while Mrs. Lyddell +went to hear his opinion, Caroline was striving hard to speak. Marian +bent over her, and at last heard one word gasped out--"Walter." + +"Yes, I will tell Mr. Lyddell; he shall be sent for, dearest," said +Marian; and Caroline seemed satisfied. + +It was long before Marian had an opportunity of hearing what the +physician's opinion had been, and there was little comfort in it. It was +a very severe case of inflammation in the windpipe, and the only hope of +subduing it was in instant recourse to strong remedies. How badly it +was thought of she saw plainly enough, without words, in Mr. Lyddell's +restless, hasty manner, and in the exertions which Mrs. Lyddell was +allowed to make, at a time when she ought to have been in her bed. The +worst sign of all was, it seemed to her, that as soon as she mentioned +Caroline's wish to see Walter, Mr. Lyddell took measures for sending a +letter at once by the railroad, instead of waiting for the post, which +would have made a delay of two days. + +Lionel sat meanwhile, by himself in the drawing room, or was found +wandering on the stairs, anxiously listening. Marian came on him once, +and had exclaimed at finding him in the dark, before she remembered that +it made no difference to him. She was in haste to fetch something +for Caroline and could do nothing for him but say the sad words, "No +better." + +All night Mrs. Lyddell and Marian stayed with Caroline; the one because +she could not bear to go, the other because she could not be spared. +Mrs. Lyddell would not acknowledge the extent of the danger to herself, +far less allow any hint of it to come to Caroline; and for this Marian +was sorry, though she was sure that Caroline was conscious of it +herself; but with Mrs. Lyddell always present, it was impossible to read +any of the things that would have been the only support at such a time. +Poor Caroline could not speak to ask for them, and as if her mother +feared they would bring death, she seemed to be watching Marian +jealously to prevent the least approach to them. + +It was a terrible night; the applications did nothing but cause +suffering, instead of removing the disorder,--the oppression grew more +and more severe,--each breath more painful; the two watchers hardly +dared to meet each other's eyes, and Caroline was in too much pain, +too oppressed and overwhelmed, to give any token how far the mind and +thought was awake within her. Such another day succeeded, every hour +extinguishing some faint hope, and bringing the dread certainty more +fully upon them. There was little or nothing to be done: they could only +watch the sufferer, and try to glean her wishes from her looks; but +these usually expressed more of pain than aught else, and no one could +tell whether the ear and thought were free. One, at least, who sat +beside her prayed fervently, and trusted in hope and love; holding fast +by the certainty that Caroline had embraced the good part, and given up +the allurements of the world, in health, for the sake of the treasure to +which she was hastening. That last letter of her's was surely a proof +that she was ready; and who could wish to detain that worn, harassed +spirit from the repose where earthly cares shall "cease from troubling, +and where the weary are at rest?" Yet how Marian loved and clung to her, +and felt as if she could never bear to part, and lose the affection that +had been so long kept off by her own repulsive demeanour, but that +was so ardent and unreserved! How grievous to think of the blooming, +life-like creature that she was so lately, now so suddenly cut down! + +Hour after hour went by, bringing no change for the better. Day had +faded into twilight, and twilight became night. Midnight had come, and +Marian was still sitting, as she had done for more than an hour, holding +up the faint head; for Caroline could no longer breathe in a recumbent +posture, and sat partly supported on pillows, partly resting on Marian's +shoulder. Her eyes were shut, and she seemed unconscious; it might be +that she slept, but the features were full of suffering, and Marian +could feel each of her breaths, gasping and convulsive. Her mother hung +over her, feeling her pulse, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, +or walking to the foot of the bed to speak to Mr. Lyddell, or to the +apothecary, in the restless misery of despair. Mr. Lyddell came in and +out, unable to bear the sight, yet unable to stay away. Clara had been +too much overcome, and growing hysterical, had been sent away, and +advised to go to bed. Lionel, too, had been sent to bed, but his room +was in the same passage, and he lay with his door open, catching, with +his quickened ears, at every sound in the sick room, and hearing each +word of the hushed conferences that took place outside. + +A fresh tread was in the house--on the stairs--in the passage; Lionel's +heart could not help bounding at it, as it came so softly along. It was +the tread of the brother who, for his effort of courage and principle +had been allowed to leave home like an exile, and treated as an +offender. Lionel heard his father's step coming to meet him: how would +they meet? He could hear the movement as their hands grasped together, +and then Mr. Lyddell's smothered, choked whisper, "Only just in time, +Walter! she won't know you. Come!" + +"Is it so?" said Walter, in a low tone, as of one extremely choked and +overwhelmed. + +A sort of sob came before the answer, "Going fast." + +The steps moved on; Lionel could not stay where he was, dressed himself, +and felt his way to the sick room. He heard the stifled breathings: he +felt onward,--found he had hold of the bed-post, and leant against it, +unheeded by all, so intently were all watching Caroline. + +"Speak to her," was the first thing he heard whispered by the doctor. + +"Caroline!" said Walter's trembling voice, "dear Caroline!" + +Poor Lionel could not see how, at the call, the dark blue eyes once more +opened, and looked up in Walter's face; he only heard the steadier tone +in which the brother said the ministerial words, "Peace be with this +house!" + +The solemn calmness of the tone came gently and soothingly upon Lionel's +ear; and withal there spread over Caroline's face a gleam of joy, and +then a quiet stillness, as of a freedom from suffering. There was an +interval--a gasp--another interval--another gasp--a pause-- + +Marian's voice was the first, and very low and awe-struck. "It has been +without a struggle." + +A slight cry from his mother, and a confused movement, as if they were +lifting something--steps--he stood still, and the next moment felt +Marian's hand on his arm. "Mrs. Lyddell has fainted," said she, in +explanation; "Mr. Lyddell and Walter are taking her to her own room," + +Lionel clasped Marian's hand very tight, and each felt how the other was +trembling. "We must come away," said Marian; then hesitating, and with a +quivering whisper, she said, "Would you like to kiss her?" + +"Yes, let me!" + +It was strange to guide the blind brother to kiss the white brow of the +dead sister. Marian's throat was aching to such a degree with intense +feeling, that she could hardly utter a word; but Lionel, who could not +see, must hear. "She looks so calm, so sweet," said Marian struggling, +"but I must go to your mother. Let me take you to your room; I'll send +Walter to you. Lionel, Lionel, indeed she is happy!" said Marian, +earnestly, while Lionel burst into a flood of tears, wholesome tears, as +she led him from the room. + +She thought Walter would be the greatest comfort to him; and +recollecting Mrs. Lyddell had no woman with her but her maid, she told +Lionel she must go to his mother, ran down, and met Walter waiting in +the dressing-room. "Is she recovering?" + +"A little." + +"Will you go to Lionel?" + +"This instant, but--" and he looked at her earnestly. + +"Yes, yes," said she hastily, "it is all right and beautiful. Here's her +last letter; I've been reading it all day. Take it; you'll see how--" + +Marian's voice broke down, and she hastened to the open door of Mrs. +Lyddell's room. There was something for her to do in attempting to +restore her, for the maid was not helpful; and Mr. Lyddell stood at the +foot of the bed, as if all his powers were paralysed. Mr. Wells wanted +assistance; for Mrs. Lyddell, exhausted by watching and her previous +weakness, was in so sinking and depressed a state, as to need the +greatest care. + +Marian was employed in attending her till towards morning, when she sank +into a sleep. "You had better go to bed," said Mr. Lyddell, very kindly, +as Marian at length turned away from her, and stood by the fireside, +where he was sitting in the arm-chair, his hands over his forehead "I +must not let you overwork yourself." + +"O, I am not tired, if I can be of any use." + +"No, no, rest now, thank you," said he, in a broken, dejected tone. + +She went, and again found Walter in the outer room, watching for tidings +of his mother. "Asleep," she said. "Lionel?" + +"Asleep too, I hope. You are going to bed?" + +"Yes, thank you; but Clara--" + +"I will go to Clara the first thing in the morning. I shall sit up on my +father's account. Don't you think of it,--sleep as long as you can; you +have had watching enough." + +"I have been so glad," Marian said, in a tear-stilled whisper. + +"You cannot tell how I have longed to thank you, Marian, for what you +have been to her:" said Walter, speaking from the fulness of heart, +which overcame his natural reserve and bashfulness. "You are thanked +enough by our present feelings on the subject,--by that letter:--may I +keep it a little longer?" + +"O yes, yes!" cried Marian, hastily, disclaiming in her heart all his +thanks, though unable to do so with her lips. + +"It takes away all regret for the briefness of the illness," added +Walter, as if the speaking of it was a satisfaction he could hardly +relinquish. + +"I am sure she thought much; no one can tell what passed," said Marian, +in a low, broken murmur. + +"Little did I think last summer--" said Walter, aloud to himself. "Yes, +this is best, far best, if one could but feel it so!" + +Marian thought the same, and, like him, could not feel it; but unable to +express herself, she simply said, as soon as her tears would let her, +"Good-night," and went up to her own room. + +Fatigue came on her now. When she took off the dress she had worn since +leaving Fern Torr, she found her limbs stiff and aching, and her head +dizzy with weariness. She could hardly get through the operation of +undressing; and when she tried to say her prayers, they would not come. +She could only go through the LORD'S Prayer; and too worn out to be +shocked at herself more than in a dull way, scarcely even alive to the +recollection of what had happened, she laid herself down on the bed, +which seemed strangely soft, but for a long time was too tired to sleep. +With confused thoughts and exhausted spirits, she kept on feeling as +if her aching limbs belonged to somebody else, and going off into odd, +dreamy vagaries, each more uncomfortable than the last,--ever and anon +waking into a moment's remembrance that Caroline was dead, wondering at +herself for being so dull as only to think it strange, then losing the +consciousness again. At last the light of morning made her perceptions +clearer. Fanny knocked at her door, and brought her a cup of tea. +She heard that all was quiet,--said she would get up; but with that +resolution she suddenly became more easy, and while believing she was +getting up, fell into a sound sleep. + +She awoke refreshed, and entirely herself again, though feeling stunned +and bewildered by the all-pervading thought. Caroline dead! It seemed +as if it was not otherwise with the rest of the family. Her illness had +been so short, that there had been no time to grow familiar with the +idea of her danger; and it was the first death in the household that had +hitherto been so strong and confident in health,--the first touch that +taught them how little the world they loved was an abiding-place. So +sudden had been the stroke, that they seemed to pause and stand aghast +under it, scarcely conscious how deep the wound might be. Her father +went about the house, bowed down and stricken with grief, his tones low, +sorrowful, and so gentle when speaking to his children, or to Marian, +that they could scarcely be recognised as the same voice; but, without +a word, so far as Marian, Clara, or Lionel knew, of his daughter, or +of his own feelings. Her mother, already very weak, and suffering most +acutely from the remembrance of the coldness with which she had treated +her during the last autumn, became so seriously unwell, between a +return of influenza, and her extreme depression and nervous hysterical +agitation, that Marian and Clara were almost entirely occupied in +nursing her, and trying to soothe her. In this work they were little +successful. Marian had no hold on her affection, no power of talking +soothingly, though most anxious to do what she could, and distressed +excessively by her inability to be a comfort in the painful scenes which +she was obliged to witness. She almost thought her presence made things +worse, and that Mrs. Lyddell wished her away; but poor Clara was so +entirely helpless and frightened, clung to her in so imploring a way, +and was so incapable, from the restraint that had always subsisted +between her and her mother, of saying anything to comfort her, or +assuming any direction, that Marian was obliged, for her sake, to be +almost always in the room. The only thing Marian could do in the way +of consolation was to read aloud; she could not talk of the great +thankfulness, peace, and hope which she felt herself, to Mrs. Lyddell, +though she could have done so a little, with time, to Lionel, or even +Clara; she could only read, and whether this did any good, she knew not. +At any rate, it was what she ought to do; and the sound of the voice +going on continuously had certainly a calming effect. Walter used daily +to come and read, but this she did not seem to like, though she never +made any objection; and there was so much reason for guarding against +agitation and excitement, that he, never familiar with her, could not +venture to attempt speaking to her on the subject of which all their +hearts were full. It was only Mr. Lyddell who had any real serviceable +influence with her. Her hysterical attacks never came on in his +presence, and a few affectionate words or demonstrations from him would +soothe the very worst of them. Marian saw so much real tenderness in his +character, that she positively began to feel considerable affection for +him. + +Clara was entirely bewildered and frightened, hardly yet realizing +that she had lost her sister; perplexed and alarmed about her mother, +suddenly thrust forward, from being an unregarded child, into having +all the responsibilities of the eldest daughter of a sick mother on her +hands, she could only depend upon Marian, and hang on her for direction, +assistance, and consolation,--say "yes" to whatever she suggested, and +set about it; and whenever she felt lonely, sisterless, and wretched, +lean on her, pour out her grief, and feel that she had a kind listener, +though only a monosyllabic answerer. She used to have great fits of +crying at night, when they passed Caroline's door; and more than once +she was so inconsolable, that Marian was obliged to come and stay in her +room, and sleep all night with her arm clinging round her. Altogether, +it was very desolate and perplexing; and Marian was grieved at herself +for dwelling more on this, and on the loss of her dear companion and +friend, than on the hope and happiness that ought to occupy her. How +different in the two deaths she had known before, where there was none +of this weary, harassed, doubtful, careworn feeling; only the sorrow, +bitter indeed as it was, of the parting, but with time and scope for +dwelling on all thoughts of comfort, when they would come. + +Lionel had his brother, and was thus in the best hands; and she saw very +little of him except at meal-times, when all were silent and subdued. + +So passed the week before the funeral. Only the gentlemen attended it; +Marian and Clara stayed with Mrs. Lyddell, who went through the time +better than they had ventured to hope. She was altogether improved, and +was able to sit up a little in the evening. Lionel was to go the next +day to London, to be seen by the oculist; and her sanguine mind was +fastening itself on the hope of his recovery; and though there was +too much danger that she was only hoping in order to be the more +disappointed, yet the present relief was great. + +Marian and Clara went down to dinner somewhat cheered, and hoping to +carry satisfaction with them; but there was a deeper despondency in Mr. +Lyddell's air than ever. He scarcely seemed to know what he was doing; +and when at last dinner was over, he rose up, stood by the fire a +moment, coughed, said to Walter, "You tell them," and ran upstairs. + +There was a silence: each of the three dreaded to ask what was the +matter; Walter did not know how to begin. Marian began to think it was +some family misfortune, better mentioned in her absence, and was rising +to go away; but Walter exclaimed, "No, don't go, Marian; all the world +must know it soon, I fear." + +"Not Johnny!" cried Clara. "O, Walter, Walter, don't let it be Johnny!" + +"No," said Lionel; "I know it is something more about Elliot. Is it very +bad indeed, Walter?" + +"Very; I do not think he is going to tell my mother the full extent. +There was a letter from Paris this morning, from Captain Evans, saying +he thought it right that my father should be warned that Elliot is going +on there in his old way, and worse still, is reported to be on the brink +of a ruinous marriage." + +Clara was the first to break the silence of consternation. "Marriage! +and now! a Frenchwoman! O Walter, Walter it can't be true! he can't do +it now, at any rate!" + +"There is some hope that this may make a delay: it is the one chance +that my father trusts to," said Walter. "The history seems to be this, +as far as I can understand. When the discovery of all these debts came +on my father, he wrote Elliot a very indignant letter, refusing to be +answerable for any of them except that which Faulkner had guaranteed +which of course he paid at once. This letter seems to have stirred +Elliot up into a fit of passion; he went on more recklessly than ever, +and now is getting drawn into this miserable connection." + +"Yes, just like Elliot!" said Lionel. "And what is papa going to do?" + +"He means to go to Paris at once, sacrifice any thing, pay all the debts +at any cost, if he can only bring Elliot back with him, and save him +from ruining himself entirely." + +"But he is not going to tell mamma about the marriage, I hope?" said +Clara. + +"No, he will leave her to think it is only the old story, and that he +wants to see if anything can be done about the debts. There is a hope +that the news he must have had by this time may have checked him." + +"Perhaps it may be bringing him home," said Marian. + +"No, I fear he is too much involved to venture to England." + +Again following a silence; no one could think of anything consoling to +suggest; all were unwilling to heap censure upon one who deserved it but +too richly. Only Lionel was heard to give a sort of groan, find after a +time Clara asked, "Is it a Frenchwoman?" + +"Yes," said Walter; "a person connected with the theatres." + +The four again sat in mournful silence. + +"I suppose," said Lionel at length, "that my going to London had better +be put off till he comes back." + +"No," said Walter, "he wishes that to be done at once. We are all three +to go to London to-morrow, as was settled before; he will go with you to +see the oculist, and on to Dover by the night-train; and if the oculist +wishes to keep you, I shall stay with you in London till he comes back, +or till my mother and the rest can come." + +"Thank you," said Lionel, sighing; "I wish I could help it! Is not it +leaving a pretty state of things behind us, though? not that we are any +great good to the ladies to be sure!" + +"Yes, it is leaving you at a very sad time," said Walter, looking at the +two girls, "but we are hardly able to be of much use to my mother, and +if there was any prospect of your improvement, that they all say would +do her more good than anything else. However, my father said that must +be according to your feelings, Clara and Marian, if you were afraid to +be left with the charge of her, I would remain." + +One of Walter's awkward ways of putting the question, and it instantly +suggested to Clara to be afraid. + +"I am sure I shan't know what to do. Only think, Marian, for us to be +left--what should we do if mamma was to get suddenly worse? We should +have no one to help us, I shall be in such a nervous state, I could do +no good." + +"No, no, Clara, you won't," said Marian, whilst Walter had begun to +look in consternation at Clara. "Nobody ever has nerves when there is +anything to be done. You know Mrs. Lyddell is much better." + +"O but she will be so very unhappy and excited about papa's being +gone, and I am sure I shall never be able to conceal from her all this +dreadful business about Elliot." + +"Yes, you will," said Marian quietly. "We shall do very well indeed, it +cannot be for long, and if we wanted him we could get Walter home in a +few hours' time. If he can send us good news of Lionel, it will help us +much more than his staying here could do." + +"If dear Caroline,"--and Clara burst into a fit of weeping, which +obliged her to leave the room. Every one was feeling the same thing, +that Caroline, with her energy, good sense, and the power she had once +possessed with her mother, would have made all easy, and the sense of +missing her had come strongly upon them all. Marian followed Clara to +her own room, let her lean upon her and cry, wept with her, joined in +saying how grievous the loss was, and how much they had loved her, and +how they should want her every day and every hour, then called hack the +remembrance that Caroline had not been happy here, and had longed for +rest, and it was come to her, and they must not be selfish, but there +Clara cried more, saying that Marian never knew what a sister was, and +it was unkind to wish her to be glad. + +"I don't know," said Marian, pausing as her tears flowed fast, "I have +known death, Clara." + +"You weren't glad!" said Clara passionately. + +"I don't know," she said thinking, and speaking with difficulty. "Not +then, not always now, O no! But I always knew I ought to be glad, for +dear papa had suffered so much, I could not wish it to be going on +still--no, no. And dear mamma, when he was gone, it was a sad world for +her, she could only have wished to stay for our sakes. Yet, after the +first, I always felt it was right, and so will you too, Clara, in time." + +"If she was but here to help me!" sobbed Clara. + +"We must try," said Marian, "we can't be as useful and ready as she was, +but we will do our very best. I am sure Mrs. Lyddell likes to have you +sit with her." + +"Did you think so?" said Clara, ready to be cheered by any token, of +preference. + +"Yes, I saw how glad she was to have you instead of me, when you came in +from the garden." + +Clara looked pleased. + +"You will sit with her, and read to her, and I can help you when you +have too much on your hands at once. You see it is a great comfort to +Mr. Lyddell to have you to leave her with." + +The being made important was a great thing with Clara, and she was quite +reconciled to the prospect of her charge by the time they had to go down +stairs to tea. + +After tea Marian was left alone with Lionel, while Clara was with her +mother; and Walter in consultation with Mr. Lyddell, for here at least +was one benefit, that Walter seemed to have taken his proper place, and +to be a real comfort and help to his father in a way he had never hoped +for. + +"You've cheered up Clara, I hear in her voice," said Lionel. + +"O yes, we shall do very well." + +"Do you mind it, Marian?" said he, turning his ear towards her, as if +to judge by the minute intonations of her answer, as people do by the +expression of the countenance. + +Her reply was brave, "No, not at all." + +"Are you sure?" + +"Yes. I don't see what would be gained by keeping you and Walter here. +She does not depend on Walter as she does on your father, and all that +is required we can do as well without Walter in the house. It would be +nonsense to keep you merely for the feel of having some one, and for the +rest, I am sure Clara will be the better for being thrust forward, and +made useful." + +"Very well. I should not in the least mind waiting, for I have not much +hope myself, but it is just as well for oneself and every one else to be +put out of one's misery as soon as possible, and settle down into it." + +Marian remembered how differently he had spoken half a year ago, when +the danger first broke on him, and looking up she saw his steadfast +though mournful face. She spoke her thought. + +"It has been a great thing to have this long preparation." + +"Yes, I am glad of it, though I have been a great plague and nuisance to +every one, especially to you, Marian. I know what you're going to say, +so let alone that. I wish--. But no use talking of that, she was very +kind and we got very comfortable together after you were gone, Marian, +and I like to remember that." + +"Ah! I was sure you would. And Walter read you what she said about you?" + +"Yes, I wish--I little knew"--then suddenly "Marian, I'll tell you +something: one morning when you were gone, she had to read a bit of a +chapter in the Gospel about the healing the blind man, and you can't +think how hard she tried to get through it without breaking down, but +she could not. She cried at last, as if she could not help it, and then +she got up, and came and kissed me, and I felt her tears on my face. I +didn't know what to say, but that's what I like to remember." + +"And the Church-going on Christmas day," whispered Marian. + +"Ay, she led me up," said Lionel. + +"Everything is so very comforting," said Marian. + +"So Walter says." + +"Lionel, do you remember the print you and Gerald gave me long ago of S. +Margaret walking through the dark wood of this world, and subduing the +dragon? I am sure she is like it. She had all this world before her, and +she chose vexation and trouble instead of doing wrong! O Lionel, it is +very noble!" + +"That it is," said Lionel, "only things never seem so at the time. I +wish they did, but. I am glad my father saw it all right before, and +said he was glad she had given him up." + +"Yes, that is a comfort." + +"My poor father!" said Lionel presently, "I never guessed he cared so +much about--things. Do you know, Marian, I think even if I do get back +my eyes, I could not go after the Australian bulls, unless 'twas the +only way of getting a living." + +"I am glad you have put them out of your head," said Marian, smiling +sadly. + +"Ay, I was very mad upon them once," said Lionel, "but I see that eyes +or no eyes, we must set ourselves in earnest to be some sort of comfort +to them, and if Johnny is to be always at sea, I had better not be on +the other side of the world. If I am to see, why then it is all right; +if not, I'll do the best I can at home." + +"That's right, Lionel." + +"I can do a good deal already, I am no trouble to any one, am I? I can +go all over the house and park by myself, and find all my own goods +without any one's help, and I'll do more in time, so as to be no bother +to any one, and I do believe now they like to have me at home. Don't you +remember, Marian," and he lowered his voice confidentially, one reason +why I wanted to go to Australia, and make a fortune?" + +"Yes," said Marian, knowing that he meant his vision of winning love +from his parents. + +"Well, I think," said he, "that being blind has answered as well." + +A silence, then he went on, "I know what you meant now about a time when +I might he glad to have been blind. If Caroline had married that man, +she would not have died as happily as that, and there was an end of all +the trouble and vexation; so there will be an end to my blindness some +time or other, and it will keep me out of lots of mischief. I don't mean +that there is not plenty of opportunity of doing wrong as it is," he +added, "but not so much. Better be blind than like Elliot, and perhaps I +might have come to that." + +"O Lionel, it is such a comfort you can speak so!" + +"I've tried it now, and 'tis not so very bad," said Lionel, turning with +an odd mixture of smile and sadness, "besides I saw almost the last of +her face, and I should only miss her the more like her voice. I have got +her face stored up with all of yours. You know I shan't see when any of +you grow old and ugly, Marian. Well, and after all I am glad it is to +be settled now, I don't think I shall mind it near so much as I should +another time, now I have just heard all that over her grave. I got +Walter to read it to me all over again when we came home. It has been +very nice to have Walter." + +Marian guessed how Walter had strengthened and helped him, and she +judged rightly, but she did not know how silently he listened to all +Walter's talkings and readings, unable to pour out his full feeling to +any one but herself. + +The others came in from their different quarters, it was late, and +Marian was about to wish good night, when Walter in a low hurried voice +said to her and Clara, "Don't go yet, my father wishes to have prayers." + +A moment more and the servants came in, all were kneeling, and Marian's +tears of thankful joy were streaming fast as Walter read an evening +prayer. Was not Caroline glad? was the thought, as she recollected that +first morning, when all had seemed to her childish mind so dreary and +unhallowed, and when Caroline had lamented the omission. Yes! was not +Caroline glad, now that one of the dearest wishes of her heart had been +gained? Was she not glad of this first token that trouble had brought a +change over her father? + +Each fresh petition brought such a gush of earnest softened tears that +Marian's face bore evident traces of them, when she rose up, and had to +wish Mr. Lyddell good night. She did not speak, but held out her hand. +He spoke with difficulty, "My dear," he said, "I have wished to thank +you, but I cannot otherwise than by leaving more on your hands. Walter +has told you how it is with us. You are kind enough to help Clara. +I don't know what we should do without you. I rely on your judgment +entirely." + +"I'll do my best," said Marian, "I am glad to be of use." + +"You were _her_ best friend," said Mr. Lyddell hastily. "Well, good +night, thank you, my dear," and he kissed her forehead, as though she +had been his own daughter. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + "Let us be patient. These severe afflictions + Not from the ground arise + But oftentimes celestial benedictions + Assume this dark disguise. + + "We see but dimly through the mists and vapours + Amid these earthly damps + What seems to us but sad funereal tapers + May be heaven's distant lamps." + + LONGFELLOW. + + +There were morning prayers before the hurried breakfast, which was +interspersed with numerous directions about what was to be done for Mrs. +Lyddell, and what letters were to be sent after Mr. Lyddell. Lionel was +grave and silent, as became one whose fate was in the balance, without +either shrinking or bravado; but somewhat as if he was more inclined, +than had been the case last night, to hope for a favorable result. +With heartfelt prayers did Marian watch him as be crossed the hall and +entered the carriage, calling out a cheerful good-bye,--prayers that, if +it were the will of Heaven, his affliction might be removed; but that if +not, help might be given him to turn it into a blessing, as he seemed +almost to be beginning to do. His father, too,--little had Marian ever +thought to feel for him the affectionate compassion and sympathy, of +which she was now sensible, as she responded to his kind, fatherly +farewell, and thought of what he must be feeling; obliged to leave his +wife in so anxious and suffering a state; his daughter, the pride of the +family, removed so suddenly; his most promising son probably blind for +life; his eldest, a grief, pain, and shame to them all. Marian must pray +for him too, that he might be supported and aided through these most +bitter trials, and that the work which they had begun in him might go on +and be perfected; that these troubles, grievous as they were, might in +his ease also turn to blessings. + +The occupation of the two girls was all day the care of Mrs. Lyddell. +She was not worse, as far as bodily ailments went; the attack of cold, +brought on by leaving her room to attend on Caroline, had gone off, +and her strength was in some degree returning; but she was restless, +excited, irritable, and with an inability to restrain herself, that was +more alarming than Marian liked to own to herself, far less to Clara. + +She insisted on getting up at an earlier hour than she had hitherto +attempted; she was worn out and wearied with dressing; she was impatient +and vexed with Clara, for some mistake about her pillows; and the +trembling of her hand, as she was eating some broth, was uncontrollable. +The broth was not what she liked, and she would send for the +housekeeper, to reprove her about it; asked questions about the +arrangements, found them not as she wished; spoke sharply, said no one +took heed to anything while she was ill, and then burst into a fit of +weeping at the thought of the daughter who would have been able to +supply her place. + +This spent itself, (for the girls were unable to do anything effectual +in soothing it away); the doctors made their daily visit, and cheered +her up a little. The consequence of this exhilaration was, that she +began talking about Lionel, and anticipating his perfect recovery; +arranging how they were all to go and join him in London, and working +herself up to a state of great excitement; pettish with Marian for not +being able to answer her hopefully, and at last, hysterically laughing +at the picture she drew of Lionel with restored sight. + +Marian asked if she would be read to, and took up a serious book, with +which she had put her to sleep two or three times before, but nothing +of the kind would she hear; and as the best chance of at least quieting +her, Marian went on a voyage of discovery among the club books down +stairs, and brought up a book of travels, and a novel. Mrs. Lyddell +chose the novel; it was a very exciting story, and caught the attention +of all three. Marian grew eager about it, and was well pleased to go on; +and so it occupied them most of the afternoon and evening, driving out a +great deal of care, as Marian could not help gratefully acknowledging, +though she would willingly have had space to work out with herself the +question, whether care had best be driven out or grappled with. Mrs. +Lyddell was indeed in no state to grapple with it, and there was nothing +to be done but to take the best present means of distracting her +attention; yet it was to be feared that, though put aside, the enemy was +not conquered,--and might there not be worse to come? + +It was about half-past seven and the two girls were drinking tea with +Mrs. Lyddell in her room. She was just beginning to make herself unhappy +about Mr. Lyddell's late journey and night-voyage, when there was a tap +at the door, and on the answer, "Come in!" it opened, and Lionel stood +there. + +There was a sudden exclamation: they all three sprang up and looked at +him, but alas! it was still by feeling that he came forward, though his +countenance was cheerful, and there was a smile upon his lips. + +"Well, mamma," he said, in a brave, almost a lively tone, "you must +be content to have me at home." And in answer to their broken, half +expressed interrogations, "No, he can't do any thing for me; so it was +not worth while to stay any longer in London. How are you this evening, +mamma?" + +He was guiding himself towards her chair, one hand on the table; she +threw herself forward to meet him, flung her arms round his neck and +sobbed, "My boy, my poor dear boy! O Lionel! it has been all my fault +and neglect!" + +"No, no, don't--don't say that, mamma!" said Lionel, extremely +distressed by her weeping, and not knowing where to rest her, as she +hung with her whole weight abandoned on him. Marian and Clara were +obliged to help him, and seat her in her chair again; while she still +wept piteously, and poor Lionel stood, hearing the sobs, and very much +grieved. "Ought I not to have told her?" said he to Marian. "I thought +if she saw I could bear it, it would be better than writing." + +"Yes, yes, you did quite right; she will be better presently." + +She was soon better, and leaning back on her pillows exhausted, looked +up at the fine tall boy before her, the glow of youth and health on his +face, spirit and enterprise in every feature,--but those large blue +eyes, bright as they were, for ever darkened and useless. + +"O Lionel!" she sighed again. + +"The man behaved very well," said Lionel; "he did not plague me at all. +He only pulled up my eyelids--so--and studied them, and I suppose he +gave some sign to my father, for I heard him make a noise that showed me +how I was; so I asked. He told me there was not a chance, and made me +understand the rights of it; and so here I am. Never mind, mamma, there +was a tendency to it all my life, and nothing would have stopped it in +the end; and now I know what it is, I have no doubt but I shall do very +well. I mean to be like the blind man that unharnessed all the horses in +the middle of the night, when the coach was upset, and no one else was +of any use." + +He stopped once or twice in his harangue, to judge how his mother was, +by her breathings; and he spoke with a smile and look of resolution +and eagerness, as he concluded with another "Never mind, mamma, for I +don't." She took hold of his hand, and pressed it, too much overcome to +speak. + +"Is papa gone?" asked Clara. + +"Yes." And Lionel proceeded to give a message which he had sent back. + +"And where's Walter?" + +"In the drawing-room." + +More people were already in the room than Marian thought good for Mrs. +Lyddell; and understanding Clara's wishes, she went down to speak to +Walter, to carry a message that his mother would see him after tea, and +to arrange for a substantial supper for the two youths, who had had no +dinner. + +Walter was waiting anxiously to know how his mother had endured the +tidings. + +"She was very much, overcome at first," said Marian; "but now she has +had a good cry, she will be more likely to go to sleep quietly. Poor +Lionel! he did it admirably." + +"It has been his chief thought," said Walter. "He begged to come home at +once, saying it would be the best way to have it over before night; +it would save all hoping and worrying, about him; and the instant we +arrived, he ran straight up stairs." + +Walter and Marian were not familiar enough to say it to each other, but +both were comparing his present conduct with his former bitterness of +spirit against his mother. Death, sorrow, anxiety, and illness had drawn +close the cords of love, and opened the well-springs of affection, so +long choked up and soured by neglect and worldly care. + +"How did he bear it at the first?" + +"Bravely; he had wound himself up. He was flushing and turning pale all +through the journey; but when once he came to the door, he was as calm +and steady as possible. My father was much more agitated; he would lead +Lionel himself, and very nearly threw him down the steps. You should +have seen how Lionel never flinched,--did not let one feature quiver +while he was being turned round to the light and examined. We saw how it +was by the doctor's face, but Lionel spoke first, as--no, more steadily, +than I can tell it, 'There is nothing to be done, then?'--attended more +firmly to the explanation of the causes than we could, spoke as freely +as if it had been about some indifferent case. The doctor was quite +struck with it. He shook hands with him when he went, and kept me a +moment after, to say, of all the many cases he had seen, he had never +known greater resolution,--never seen any one he had been more sorry +for. However, it was not only that,--that might have been the pride of +firmness; but it has been the same all along. He set himself to cheer my +father, who was very much overcome; and ever since has been telling me +of all his schemes for employment, and arranging how to spare my mother +as much as possible. Yes, he is a fine fellow!" said Walter, stopping +with a heavy sigh. + +"I am sure he will make himself happy," said Marian earnestly; "you +don't know how many resources he has, and you see how wonderfully +independent he is already." + +"Yes," said Walter, sadly; "but though I know it is all right--to see +what he might have been! But that is mere nonsense," he added, catching +himself up; "we should never have known what was in him; and perhaps he +would have been very different." + +Not a word expressed of Walter's sincere thankfulness for the change +that affliction was bringing on them. + +Lionel came down presently, Marian presided at their tea, and would have +enjoyed it very much, if she had not been sorry Clara should not be +relieved from her harassing attendance up stairs. But her mother could +not spare her, and perhaps the being positively useful, and pulled by +force out of her childishness, was the best thing for her. + +"Marian, I hope you will be able to ride with me to-morrow, if mamma +does not want you?" said Lionel. + +Walter looked full of inquiry and consternation. + +"If we can manage it," said Marian, cheerfully; though now that the +custom had been disused for a time, she did not like the notion quite +so well as before; since she could not now even figure to herself that +Lionel guided himself at all, He had said it chiefly for the purpose +of asserting his intention of continuing the practice, and was quite +satisfied by her answer. + +Walter went up stairs to his mother shortly after, and Lionel was left +alone with Marian. + +"I am sure I hope it won't hurt her," said he; "I thought it was best to +have it out at once." + +"Much the best, since it was to come." + +"Yes," he said, pausing for some space, then exclaiming, "I don't know, +though! I thought it would be better to know the worst, and have one's +mind made up; but I don't think 'tis more comfortable, after all. I +should like to get back that little spark of hope I had this morning! +O, Marian, there was one time when the sun shone out full, and so warm, +exactly on my face, and some one in the train said it was a glorious +winter day. It was close by Slough; I knew we were in sight of the +castle, and perhaps one might see the chapel, and the trees in the +playing-fields. I thought soon, I might be seeing it all again: and +I vow, Marian, I could have leaped from here to Windsor at the bare +thought. It was being a great fool, to be sure; but as we came back, I +was half glad it was dark, so that nobody else could see it." + +"Yet I am sure your last half year at Eton was no happy time; you went +through a great deal." + +"I'd do it all again, if I could see as much as I did then," said +Lionel. "I don't mind it so much in general now; I get on much better +than I thought I should, and it is not nearly as bad now I am quite in +the dark, and wake up to it, as when the glimmer of light was going. I +can do very well, except when a great gush--I don't know what to call +it--great rush of remembering the sky and all sorts of things comes +on me, and I know it is to be darkness always. Then!--but it is all +nonsense talking of it. I shall get the better of that, some day or +other, I suppose. But I did not think, yesterday, that the being sure of +it would be half so bad!" + +"You braced yourself yesterday, and that helped you to-day." + +"Yes; and then there was my father,--he has enough to vex him, without +knowing all this. And, after all, it is nothing; I've got plenty to do, +and I'll manage it capitally. I'll tell you what, Marian, if mamma can +spare you, we'll ride to Salisbury, and get some of that good twine, and +I'll make Gerald the fishing-net you said he wanted." + +Lionel had hitherto never consented to learn to net. + +Mrs. Lyddell was better the next day, and all was quiet and prosperous, +so that Walter could write a satisfactory account to his father. Clara +had a good walk with her brothers in the morning, and in the afternoon +the ride took effect: Marian came into Mrs. Lyddell's room in her habit, +and gave notice, "we are going to ride," so much as if it was a matter +of course that Mrs. Lyddell asked no questions, and feared no dangers. +Walter went with them, and Marian could have wished him away, for he was +so anxious and nervous as very nearly to make her the same, and though +he said nothing of his anxieties, Lionel found them out, and told him +in his old gruff way that there was nothing to be in a taking about; +indeed, Lionel was the more inclined to be adventurous in order to show +himself entirely at his ease. + +However, nothing went wrong, and Marian and he both felt it a point +gained that their riding together was established. A few days passed +on quietly and gravely, a pause of waiting and suspense. Mrs. +Lyddell, though less ill, was not materially improved as regarded the +excitability of her spirits. She would be excessively depressed at +one time, at another in such high spirits as were much more alarming. +Sometimes she would talk about their being all ruined and undone, and go +on rapidly to say they must give up the house in London, retrench, live +on nothing; at others she anticipated Mr. Lyddell's bringing Elliot +back, all his debts paid, to live at home and be a comfort, or some +friend was to give Walter a great living, or Clara was to come out, and +to be presented in the summer. At the same time the fretful irritability +of nerve and temper continued, and any unusual excitement, the talking a +little longer in her room, a letter, or a little disappointment, would +keep her awake all night. One thing, however, seemed certain, that +Lionel's presence had some of the same power over her as her husband's; +she was too much occupied with watching him, to work herself into her +anxious excited moods, and now that he had grown more familiar with her, +his cheerful lively way of speaking always refreshed and pleased her. He +would come in, in a glow of bright health, from a quick walk or ride in +the clear frosty air, and show such genuine pleasure and animation +as must console those who were grieving for his privation; he would +undertake her messages, and find things in a wonderful manner, and he +liked to listen to the reading aloud that always went on in her room. +When Lionel came in, Marian and Clara always felt relieved from half +their present care. + +At last came a letter from Mr. Lyddell to Walter. The worst of his +fears were fulfilled. Elliot was actually married, and report had not +exaggerated the disgrace of the connection. Mr. Lyddell had not chosen +to see him, and intended to be at home, by the end of the next day, +after they would receive the letter. + +It was a great shock, but perhaps none of the four young people had +such lively hopes of Elliot as to be very much overwhelmed by the +disappointment, as far as he was individually concerned. He had never +been a kind elder brother to Clara or Lionel, and it was only Walter who +could have any of those recollections of a childhood spent together, +which would make the loss of intercourse personally painful. They had +all been brought up to a sort of loyal feeling towards Elliot as the +eldest, and to think his extravagance almost a matter of course, but +only the tie of blood, and sympathy for their parents could cause them +any acute pain on his account. + +For their parents they were greatly grieved, for Elliot had with all +his faults, been their especial pride and hope, and the effect on Mrs. +Lyddell in her present state was very much to be apprehended. It was a +comfort however that it was decided in full council that they might put +off the evil day of telling her, for there was no occasion that she +should be informed till her husband returned. He came the next day, and +very worn down, broken and oldened did he look, as he returned to his +mourning household. Not a word did he say in public of the object of his +journey, and all that transpired to Marian, through Lionel, who heard +it from Walter, was "that it was as bad as bad could be; it was thought +Elliot had done it out of spite, at any rate he was never likely to +bring his wife to England." Neither did Mrs. Lyddell speak of it, and +Marian only knew that she had been informed of it, by the increased +excitability and irritation of her nerves. Poor Clara underwent +plenty of scolding, for she was the only victim, since Mrs. Lyddell's +continuous dislike to Marian kept her on her ordinary terms of +ceremony, scarcely ever asking her to do her any service, thanking her +scrupulously, and never finding fault to her face. + +Marian was at first very sorry for Clara, who was bewildered, and +disconcerted, but after a day or two, things seemed to right themselves +wonderfully. Clara grew used to the fretfulness, and was no longer +frightened by it, nor made unhappy, but learnt how to meet it and smooth +it down without being hurt by it. It was surely the instinct of natural +affection, for inferior in every way as she was to Marian, yet in her +mother's sick room she suddenly acquired all the tact, power, and +management that Marian failed in. Hitherto she had been childish and +astray, as if she wanted her vocation; now she had found it, and settled +admirably into it, acquiring a sense, energy, and activity that no one +could have supposed her capable of. + +Outside that room, she was the same Clara still, without much either of +rational tastes or conversation, afraid of her father, and not much of a +companion to her brother, helpless in everything that did not regard her +mother, and clinging to Marian for help and direction, Marian must speak +for her, tell her what to say if she had to write a note, take the +responsibility of every arrangement. Nothing was much harder than to +shove Clara forward into becoming the ostensible lady of the house, +as it seemed as if she must continue for some time to come, since the +doctors spoke of the most absolute rest and freedom from excitement +being necessary to restore her mother's shattered health and spirits. +She was to see no visitors, be soothed as much as possible, have no +cares or anxieties brought to her, be only moderately occupied and +amused, or the nervous attacks would return. Marian had a suspicion that +they feared for her mind. She became stronger, was able to rise earlier, +and to drive out in the carriage, but she never dined with the family, +and remained in her sitting room up stairs, with Clara for her regular +attendant, and visits from the rest. + +Walter returned to his curacy as soon as he could be spared, and Lionel +became, as usual, chiefly dependent on Marian, who read to him, walked +with him, rode with him, assisted him in his contrivances for helping +himself, and was his constant guide and companion; doing at the same +time all she could for Clara's service, but keeping in the back ground +and making Clara do all the representative part for herself. + +They missed Caroline every hour of the day, far more since they had +settled into an every-day course of habits and most especially in the +evening and at meal times. There always used to be so much conversation +going on at dinner and now no one seemed to say anything; Clara sat at +the head of the table in awe of her father, Lionel and Marian did not +feel disposed to talk in their own way before him there never had been +any freedom of intercourse, and nobody knew how to begin. + +Marian thought the silent party very sad and forlorn for poor Mr. +Lyddell, and that it must remind him grievously of the state of his +family. Some one must talk, but how were they ever to begin? She was the +worst person in the world to do it, yet try she must. + +She began talking over the ride they had taken that day, but Clara was +not at her ease enough to ask questions, or make observations, Lionel +did not second her, and Mr. Lyddell said no more than "O." Another day +she tried giving a history of a call that had been made by some of their +neighbors, but nobody would be interested. How could she be so stupid? +She almost dreaded dinner time. At last one day, she luckily cast her +eyes on the newspaper, and it is a melancholy truth that the sight of a +horrid murder gave her a certain degree of satisfaction! She began about +it at dinner, when every one talked about it, every one had some view as +to the perpetrator, and it really carried them through all dinner time +without one dreary tract of silence, and served them on a second day. + +A second day and a third, for more intelligence came out, and then +luckily for her, came a revolution, next a dreadful accident, and at +last the habit of talking became so well established that there was no +need to look for topics in the newspaper. It was without an effort that +she could originate a remark addressed to Mr. Lyddell. Lionel began to +shake off his old schoolboy reserves, and rattle on freely. Clara grew +more at ease, and Mr. Lyddell began to be entertained, to be drawn into +the conversation, and to narrate his day's doings, just as of old +when his wife was there, pleased with their interest in them, making +explanations, and diverted with Lionel's merry comments. + +It was however dreary and uncomfortable, with all these vague anxieties +for Mrs. Lyddell, and with the whole house in the unsettled state +consequent on missing its moving power. The servants had been used to +depend on her, and could not go on without her; they teased Clara, +and Clara teased Marian about them, no one knew what to do, nor what +authority to assume, and the petty vexations were endless that were +borne by the two girls rather than annoy Mr. Lyddell; perplexities, +doubts whether they were doing what was wise or right by the house or by +the servants; Marian's good sense making her judge the right, but her +awkwardness, and Clara's incapacity, breaking down in the execution; +continual worry and no dignity in it. + +The loss of Caroline as a companion was severely felt. Marian had not +been fully conscious how very closely entwined their hearts had been, +how necessary they had grown to each other even before those latter days +of full confidence. Every pursuit was mixed up with Caroline, every walk +recalled her, every annoyance would have given way at her light touch. +There was no one left with whom Marian could have anything like the +conversations they had been used to enjoy from almost the earliest +days of her coming to Oakworthy. Lionel was indeed a very agreeable +companion, nay more, a friend, full of right feeling, principle, good +sense, thought, and liveliness; but a younger boy could never make up +for the loss of such a friend of her own sex. Each evening as she sat +over the fire in her room, her heart ached with longing for Caroline's +tap at the door, or with the wish to go and knock at hers, and then the +thrill at thinking that there was only gloom and vacancy in her room. +Had they but found each other out before! But oh! how much better to +think of her as she did of her own parents, added to her store in +Paradise, than to see her the wife of that man, unhappy as she must have +been unless she had lost all that was excellent and hopeful. + +These thoughts would comfort Marian when she went up to bed, harassed, +weary, disgusted with cares and vexations, and craving for rest and +sympathy. She thought of the home that awaited her at Fern Torr, the +hope that had carried her through last autumn, but withal came a dim +vague perception that a great sacrifice might be before her. Would it be +right to seek her own happiness and repose there, and leave the Lyddells +to their present distress? She did not think she was of much use, Clara +was all-sufficient for her mother, and Marian was rather less liked by +Mrs. Lyddell than formerly; but as a support to Clara, as a companion to +Lionel, and as some one to talk to Mr. Lyddell, she was not absolutely +useless. She had no doubt Clara and Lionel would miss her sadly, indeed +it would be unkind to leave them, it would be positively wrong to +forsake them when she was of some value, and go where she could not +suppose herself to be actually wanted, though she might be loved and +cherished. Yet to give up that beloved hope! The vision that had +delighted her from the first years of her orphanhood; the hope become +tangible beyond all expectations, the wish of her heart. To give up +home, Edmund and Agnes, for this weary life! How could she? But it was +not worth while to think about it yet, things might change, before they +were ready for her, Mrs. Lyddell might recover, Clara and Lionel might +grow sufficient for each other, anything might, would or should happen, +rather than she would give up her beloved hope of the home she longed +for, especially now the house was actually building, and each letter +brought her accounts of its progress. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + "Perchance it was ours on life's journey to enter + Some path through whose shadows no lovelight was thrown, + With heart that could breast the fierce storms of its winter, + And gather the wealth of its harvest alone; + It is well there are stars in bright heaven to guide us + To heights we ne'er dreamt of,--but oh, to forget + The fortunes that bar, and the gulfs that divide us + From paths that looked lovely, with some we have met." + + F. BROWNE. + + +Many weeks had passed away, and nothing had changed, in any +material way, since the spring. Mrs. Lyddell's condition was still +unsatisfactory, and she seemed to be settling into a confirmed state of +ill health, and almost of hypochondriacism. So many shocks, following +each other in such quick succession, on a person entirely unprepared by +nature, experience or self-regulation, had entirely broken her down, and +shattered her nerves and spirits in a manner which she seemed less and +less like to recover. She was only able to rise late in the day, take a +short drive, and after dining in her own room, come down in the evening, +if they were alone, and it was a good day with her. + +No change, neither sea air, nor London advice, had made much difference, +and her condition had become so habitual, that her family had ceased to +expect any considerable amendment; and it was likely that Clara would, +for many years, have full employment as her companion and attendant. +Lionel was perfectly, hopelessly blind, but growing reconciled to his +misfortune, and habituated to the privation, as well as resigned in +will. His natural character, of a high-spirited, joyous, enterprising +boy, showed itself still in his independence and fearlessness, joined to +cheerfulness, and enlivened the house. He had even gone the length of +talking freely and drolly to his father, and Mr. Lyddell had learnt to +smile, and even laugh at his fun. + +There had been fears that the removal to London, for the session of +Parliament, would be a great privation to him, since he would miss the +wandering about the downs by himself, and the riding with Marian; but +his temper and spirits did not fail. He walked every day with her, and +was entertained with all he heard, both by his own quick ears, and by +her description. They went to exhibitions, where she saw for him, and +there were lectures, readings, and other oral amusements, to which his +father, or some good-natured friend, would take him. He began to acquire +a taste for music, which he had hitherto never cared to hear, and +concerts became a great delight to him: though he had not the correct +ear, and admirable appreciation of music, that often, in blind persons, +seems like a compensation for the loss of the pleasures of the eye. + +Lady Marchmont became very kind to him. She was thoroughly good natured, +and the sight of the blind youth, whose arm Marian held as they walked +together, stirred all her kindly feelings. He was gentlemanlike +and pleasant looking, and his manner, now divested of schoolboy +_brusquerie_, was frank and confiding. Selina was disposed to like him, +and to be interested in him. She found, too, that Marian did not like to +go out when his amusement was not provided for; so at first for Marian's +sake, then for his own, she made him join them when they went to +concerts, or to any other amusement that could gratify him. Her bright +liveliness and spirited way of talking, won him; and it delighted Marian +to see what great friends they became, even to the length of laughing +over the old Wreath of Beauty story together. And when at length she was +brought, of her own accord, in some degree to patronise Clara, it was a +triumph indeed; and Mrs. Lyddell was more obliged to Marian than for all +the real benefits she had conferred, when she saw Clara dressed to go to +a party at Lady Marchmont's. + +All this time Marian was becoming more and more a prey to that secret +doubt, whether it might not be a duty to give up her cherished hope of a +home at Fern Torr. She did not see how she could be spared. Clara was an +admirable attendant on her mother, and was becoming a better mistress of +the house; but she was not able to be at the same time a companion to +her father and Lionel, and, poor girl, she would be very forlorn and +much at a loss, without Marian's elder sisterhood; for the sense of help +and reliance that Marian's presence gave her was little less. For her to +go away, would be to bring home to Clara the loss of Caroline more than +she had ever been left to feel it. + +Yet, on the other hand, Clara was no companion. They talked, indeed, but +they never discussed,--never had any interchange of higher sympathies or +reflections; it was not getting beyond the immediate matter in hand; +and often Marian, would be sensible that, if her own pleasure were +consulted, a walk or ride, with her thoughts free to range in meditation +or day-dream, was preferable to Clara's chatter. + +Her own pleasure,--that she enjoyed but little, and less now than ever, +for her time was never her own. There was Lionel on her hands almost +every day, to be read to, or walked with; and if he went out with his +father, or spent an hour in his mother's room, there was Clara wanting +her quite as much, for gossip, exercise, or consultation. Mrs. Lyddell, +too, must be visited; for though Marian was not the most beloved, +or most welcome person in the world, yet a change of society and +conversation was desirable, both for her sake and Clara's; so more +than two hours every day were spent in her sitting-room. Then, in the +evening, Marian's thoughts and ears must be free for Mr. Lyddell and +Lionel. All her own pursuits were at an end, she had hardly touched a +pencil the whole year, nor opened a German book, nor indeed any book, +excepting what she read to Lionel, and these were many. She was very +seldom able to enjoy the luxury of being alone; she could hardly even +write her letters, except by sitting up for them; and even the valuable +hour before midnight was not certain to be her own, for if Clara had no +other time to pour out her cares, she used to come then, and linger in +her cousin's room, reiterating petty perplexities, endless in detail. + +How delightful to escape from all this, to quietness, peace, freedom +from her own cares and other people's,--Fern Torr air and scenery, +Edmund and Agnes for companions, and liberty to teach school children, +go about among her own people, do good in her own way, and enjoy her own +studies. It was like a captive longing to be set free,--a wanderer in +sight of home. + +But the captive paused on the threshold of the dungeon; the wanderer +stood still on the brow of the last hill. Marian paced up and down her +own room, and thought and reasoned half aloud,-- + + "Sweet is the smile of home, the mutual look, + When hearts are of each other sure; + Sweet all the joys that crown the household nook, + The haunt of all affections pure: + Yet in the world even these abide, and we + Above the world our calling boast." + +"And I am making them the world, if for their sake I give up what my +conscience calls on me to do. I know, though I do little good here, my +going away would make them more uncomfortable. Have I any right to seek +my pleasure? But I should do more good there; I should go to school, +read to the poor people, go to Church in the week, be more improved +myself. O that home of peace and joy! And Gerald--my first duty is to +him. But what harm would it do him? I could go home for his holidays. I +must not deceive myself; I have been put in the way of positive duties +here, or rather, ways of being useful have grown up round me. Is it +right to run away from them,--poor Lionel, poor Clara! Would not every +weary hour of Lionel's--every time Clara was teased, and teased +her father,--be my fault? But how Edmund and Agnes will be +disappointed!--they who will have been throwing away so much kind care! +O you goose of a Marian! are you going to fancy it is for your sake that +they mean to marry? don't you think they can do very well without you? +How very silly to be sorry that it must be so!--how very, very silly! +And even Gerald will marry one of these days, and will not want me; and +shall I always be alone then? For as to that other sort of affection, I +am sure it is quite certain that I can never care for any body enough to +marry,--never half as well as for Gerald. No, no one will ever love me +as I do others; every one has some one nearer to them; a lonely life, +and never a home! Well, then there is a home somewhere else, and those +who made my earthly home are waiting for me there, in the Land of the +Leal." + +Such was the tenor of Marian's oft-repeated musings. The practical +result was a resolution to consult Edmund when she should go to Fern +Torr to his wedding, early in August. She could not write her pros and +cons, but to Edmund she could tell them, and trust to him as a just and +impartial judge; and if Agnes was angry, it would serve them, thought +Marian, smiling, for a quarrel, for they won't have many other chances +of one. + +However, the time drew on when, behold, every one's calculations were +disturbed by a sudden dissolution of Parliament. Hitherto such events +had not made much difference to the Lyddells; as Mr. Lyddell's election +had been, for the last twenty years, unopposed; and the only doubt +at present was, whether he thought it worth while to stand again, +considering that he was growing old and weary of business, and besides +could not well afford the London house. + +He had been hinting something of the kind to Lionel and Marian in the +evening, as a matter under consideration and they had heard it with +joy, when the next morning made a sudden change in affairs, by bringing +tidings that Mr. Faulkner was soliciting the votes of Mr. Lyddell's +constituents on the opposite interest, taking the wrong side of the +question,--a most important one, upon which the dissolution had taken +place. + +Here was indignation indeed. There was something so unfeeling in such a +proceeding, on his part, that the mildest word spoken against him was +Marian's, and that was "atrocious." To give up was one thing, to be thus +turned out was quite another; and it was clearly right to the moral +sense, as well as satisfactory to the indignant temper, that Mr. Lyddell +should oppose "to the last gasp," as the furious Lionel expressed it, +one who espoused principles so pernicious both in politics and religion. +One thing was certain, that nobody would ever wish again that Caroline +had married him. Ill as Mr. Lyddell could afford the expense of a +contested election, his blood was up, and he was determined not to yield +an inch. Never had Marian believed she could grow so vehement about +anything that concerned him, but now her whole soul seemed to be in his +success. He had always been on the right side; and now that a steadily +growing sense of religion was influencing all his actions, he was just +the fit person for his position, and Marian could, on principle, wish +earnestly to see him retain it, for his own sake, as well as to keep out +Mr. Faulkner. But, alas! poor Marian, that the ministers should have +chosen this precise time, so as just to bring the election the very week +of Edmund's wedding! + +What was to be done? Mrs. Lyddell could not believe that an election +would go on right without dinner-parties of every visitable individual +in the county; and how was Clara to manage them all? Mrs. Lyddell's only +experiment, in coming into the room when there was company, had done her +so much harm, that it was not on any account to be repeated; and her +restlessness and anxiety,--her persuasion that nothing could be done +well in which she was not concerned,--made the keeping her quiet a more +anxious business than even the receiving company. There was Mr. Lyddell +wanting to have lists written, and needing all sorts of small helps to +which he had been used from his active wife; everything came on the two +girls, and Marian did not see how she could be spared even for the three +days it would take to go to the wedding. + +Perhaps that excitement about the election would have somewhat dulled +the acuteness of the sacrifice, if it had not been for what was to come +after it. The die must be cast without consultation with Edmund; she +must write and tell them that their kind design for her was in vain. + +Gerald was at Oakworthy for the first week of his holidays, and he was +the only person she could call to hold council with her. She had some +difficulty in catching him; for he was galloping about with messages +all day, figuring to himself that he produced a grand effect in the +canvass,--making caricatures, describing them to Lionel, and conducting +him wherever he was not expected to be seen. However, catch him she did, +at bed-time, and pulling him into her room, propounded her difficulty. + +"Gerald, I don't see how I am ever to manage to go with you to their +wedding." + +Ha? don't you? Well, it would be a pity to lose the nomination-day, and +the show of hands; I should travel all night to be in time, but you +could not, I suppose?" + +"I? why you don't think I should go to it?" + +"Lionel will--I am to take care of Lionel. Can't you go? What a bore it +must be to be a woman! Well, then, why don't you come to the wedding?" + +"Because I think Clara will get into such a fuss, if there is no one to +help her at the dinner the evening before. There is Mrs. Pringle coming +to dine and sleep, so it can't be only a gentleman's party: and there is +so much to do." + +"Whew! it will be very stupid of you not to come; and how Agnes will +scold! But I suppose yen can't be everywhere. One would give up +something for the sake of beating such a rogue as that Faulkner." + +"If we were but sure of doing it." + +"Sure! Why we shall smash him to shivers, if one fortieth part of the +people are but as good as their word. Did I tell you, Marian, how I +answered that old farmer to-day?" &c., &c., all which Marian had to +hear, before she could get him back to the matter in hand. + +"I am almost sorry to give up those three days," he said, "though it is +for their wedding; but you see, Marian," and the boy spoke with his air +of consequence, "I think it is expected of me, and they would all be +disappointed. It would not look as if it was well between Edmund and mo, +if I was not present; but you can please yourself, you know." + +"Yes, yes, you could not stay away," said Marian; "I should be very +sorry that you should. You must go." + +"And if I come away that afternoon, I may be back by the mail train by +one at night, and be in time for the show of hands. Hurrah! I've a'mind +to write to Jemmy, to buy up all the rotten eggs in Fern Torr." + +"You wild animal! But do be sensible a little while, Gerald, for I have +something serious to ask your advice upon." + +"Well,"--and all the wisdom of sixteen was at her service. + +"I want to know what you think about my living here, or at Fern Torr?" + +"Hollo! why I thought it was settled long ago that you were to live at +the Quarry with them." + +"So it was; but I don't know whether I am not more wanted here than +there." + +"You don't mean that that have changed their mind, and don't want to +have you?" + +"Not a bit--O dear, no! but I think, somehow, Clara and Lionel find me +of more use than they would." + +"To be sure, this place would be in a pretty tolerable sort of a mess +without you. I don't know how any of them would get on." + +"Well, then, I wanted your opinion, Gerald; I had better tell Edmund and +Agnes that I ought to stay on here." + +"But what am I to do? I mean to be at Fern Torr in the holidays, I +assure you, except a week or two, just to see Lionel; and I don't mean +to have my holidays without you, I declare!" + +"O, I hope always to come home for them." + +"Why, then, if I have you when I am at home, I don't care,--I mean--" +said Gerald, conscious of the egotism he was committing, "I mean you +don't like it half so well, do you?" + +"O no--I mean--I don't know--" + +"Which do you mean?" + +"I don't know--at least, of course, I had rather be with Edmund and +Agnes than anybody else, except you; but then, if I was thinking Lionel +had no one to read to him, or to ride with, or that Mrs. Lyddell was +worse, and Clara unhappy, I could hardly enjoy it." + +"You would not think so much about it if you were away from them." + +"Perhaps not, but it would be the same, and it would haunt me at night." + +"But, Marian, you can't give up Edmund and Agnes now they have built a +room for you." + +"I must have it when I come for your holidays." + +"Well, you must do as you please," said Gerald. + +"And you won't be vexed?" + +"Vexed! Why should I? It is nothing to me, if I have you when I am at +home; and, indeed, I don't see what poor Lionel would do without you. I +suppose it is the best way, since you like it; only you must settle it +with Agnes your own way. I shall tell her it is not my fault. Won't she +be in a rage, that's all!" + +With which sentence Sir Gerald's acquiescence was conveyed, with little +perception of the struggle in his sister's mind, and of the pain and +grief it was to her to write to her cousin and friend, begging them to +release her from her promise. + +As to the rest of the house, they never appeared to think at all about +her quitting them; or if Clara and Lionel did, perchance, remember that +it had been spoken of, they hoped it had blown over, and dreaded the +revival of the idea too much to refer to it. Not one of the whole family +guessed that to them was sacrificed the most treasured project of +Marian's life. + +She had made up her mind, but she could not bear to write to tell her +friend that her plans were frustrated; so it was to Edmund that she +wrote the full detail of her reasons and regrets, begging him to forgive +her, and to make her peace with Agnes; while she begged Mrs. Wortley to +excuse her for missing the wedding. + +Edmund's answer was just what she wished, and indeed expected. "You are +right," he said, "and it is of no use to tell you how sorry we are. It +is impossible to be so selfish as to wish you to act otherwise, and in +process of time you may perhaps obtain Agnes' pardon: in the mean time +we never walk to the Quarry, without her abusing you for giving so much +trouble for nothing. I would only advise one thing, namely, that you +make no promise nor engagement respecting your place of residence, since +circumstances may alter; and you had better not feel yourself bound. +With this proviso we resign you to your own judgment, and to the place +where you seem indeed at present to be most wanted." + +So wrote Edmund: Agnes did not write at all. Marian announced that she +had given up going to the wedding. Clara was sorry she should miss it, +but could not guess how she should have managed without her; and no +one else had leisure to think at all, or else considered it quite as a +matter of course that site should not go away when she was wanted. + +If any one had, seven years, or even one year ago, told Marian how she +would spend that bridal day, her incredulity would have been complete. +So absorbed was she in Mr. Lyddell's election affairs that she hardly +had time to think about it, between hopes and alarms, doubts and +intelligence, visitors and preparations, notes to be written and papers +to be found, Clara to be helped, Mrs. Lyddell to be kept quiet, Lionel's +news to hear, the dinner party to be entertained. Very differently had +Marian now learnt to sit in company from former days. She had a motive +now, in the wish to help Clara, and all her distant coldness had melted +into a quiet, kind, obliging manner, which had taught her to take +genuine interest even in common-place people, and caused it to be said +that Miss Arundel had ceased to be shy and haughty. It was all one +whirl, leaving no time for sitting down, and still less for musing. +Lionel went indeed with his father to the committee-room, and was there +half the day; for his services were wonderful, and particularly his +memory for names and places, to which Mr. Lyddell declared he would +rather trust than to any memorandum. He was thus out of Marian's way all +the morning, but there was enough to occupy her without him, and in the +afternoon he came home, full of news, and especially full of glory, in +a conquest of his own, a doubtful voter, whom he had recollected, and +undertaken to secure, had made the servant drive him round that way, +canvassed on his own account, and obtained a promise, extracted as +Marian suspected, by admiration of the blind young gentleman's high +spirit and independence. + +Mr. Lyddell was particularly delighted; when became home very late, just +before the eight o'clock dinner, he came up into his wife's room, and +told her the whole story, told Marian all over again on the stairs, and +told it a third time to some of the dinner guests, before Lionel came +down. Marian saw he valued that vote above all the rest. + +Busy as the day had been, Marian was resolved to sit up till her +brother's return at two o'clock in the morning, to hear his tidings, and +she expected to enjoy the space for thinking; but the thoughts would +not be settled, and instead of dwelling on Edmund and Agnes, she found +herself continually going back to the voters' list, and counting up the +forces on each side. Then she grew sleepy, and fell into a long musing +dream of shapeless fancies, woke herself, tried to write to Agnes, and +went off into her former vision of felicity in the house at the Quarry, +which she indulged in, forgetting that she had renounced it. At last +came the sounds of a carriage, and of opening doors. She met Gerald on +the stairs, but he was sleepy and would say little. "It had all gone off +very well--yes--nobody cried--he had a bit of wedding-cake for her, and +here was a note, she should hear all about it another time;"--yawn, and +he shut himself into his own room. That was all Marian obtained by her +vigil. You, there was the note, put in with the wedding cards. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--I can't relieve my mind by scolding + you, and I don't know what else you have a right to + expect after the way you have treated us. They tell me I + must write, and I have not a word to say, though I always + promised you should have the first letter from + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "AGNES ARUNDEL." + +Wild as ever, thought Marian, as a little disappointed, she laid down +the note, but she understood how Agnes had felt obliged to write, in +hurry and agitation, and just because she felt deeply, had been unable +to express herself otherwise than what some people would call foolishly +and unsuitably. + +There was not much more of the wedding to be heard from Gerald the next +morning, for he was full of the nomination, and proud of having Lionel +under his especial charge. + +This day was as wild a bustle as the former one, and there was still +more excitement in the evening. Of course the show of hands had been in +favour of Mr. Faulkner, of course he and his proposer and seconder had +behaved one only more disgracefully than the other, of course the rabble +bad behaved shamefully, and the boys were almost beside themselves with +wrath; and besides the details of all these matters-of-course, the boys +had adventures of their own, for somehow Gerald and Lionel had been left +in the midst of a vituperative mob, out of which Gerald had brought off +his companion in a most spirited and successful way, without letting +any one discover Lionel's blindness, which would have been the most +efficient protection for both. Again and again Marian was told of the +gallant way in which both boys had conducted themselves, and proud and +pleased was she. + +Mr. Lyddell lost his seat, and the boys were half mad, a hundred times +more concerned than he was himself, while Marian moralized to herself +on why it was allowed to happen that he should be set aside from public +life, just when he would have begun to act on truly sound principles. +And yet perhaps the leisure he thus obtained, and the seclusion from the +whirl of politics were the very things he needed, to draw him entirely +apart from the world which had so long engrossed him. + +It was about sis weeks after this that Mr. and Mrs. Edmund Arundel, in +acceptance of a warm invitation from Mr. Lyddell, were driving along +the white road leading to Oakworthy, after a very pleasant visit to the +Marchmonts, when Selina had treated Agnes so affectionately, as to cause +her to forget all past neglect, and had, as Edmund said, scaled their +friendship, by raving at Marian's decision, "It was too bad," said she, +"when they had given up London,--the only thing that made it tolerable." + +To which, however, Agnes did not quite agree. + +"And now," said she, "I shall see whether Marian is happy." + +"I don't believe you wish her to be so," said Edmund. + +"No, I am not quite so spiteful," rejoined Agnes, "but in order to +forgive her, I must think it a very great sacrifice." + +"And have a marvellously high estimate of our two selves," said Edmund. + +"What do I see?" said Agnes. "Look at those two people riding on the +down up there against the sky, don't you see their figures? It is a +lady. Gould it be Marian? No, she is riding so close to the other--he +can't be a servant." + +"Lionel, I suspect," said Edmund. + +"The poor blind boy! O surely she does not ride alone with him! O what a +pretty cantering on the turf. It is really Marian, I see now. How I do +like to see her ride." + +A moment or two more, and descending from the high green slope, the two +riders were on the road meeting the carriage. Marian looked her best +on horseback, with her excellent seat, and easy, fearless manner, her +little hat and feathers became her fine features, and the air and +exercise gave them animation, which made her more like a picture of +Velasquez and less like a Grecian statue than she was at any other time. +Lionel rode almost close to her, a bright glow of sunshine on his lively +face, and a dexterity and quickness in his whole air that made Agnes +hesitate for a second or two, whether he could really be the blind +youth. A joyous "How d'ye do?" was called out on each side. "Well, +Lionel," then said Edmund, "are you quite well?" + +"O yes, thank you," replied a gay voice, "we thought we would see if we +could not meet you." + +"We rode over the down," said Marian, "and we are going back the same +way. We shall be at home as soon as you are. Good-bye. To the right, +Lionel." + +And they were seen trotting up the hill again, then as the carriage came +in sight of the front door, there was Lionel jumping Marian down from +her saddle. Agnes did not know how to believe that he could not see, as +she watched his upright bearing, and rapid, fearless step, so unlike the +groping ways of persons who have lost their sight later in life. + +Clara presently came down, and Agnes was struck with her more thoughtful +face, and collected manner, so unlike the giddy child she had last seen, +not intellectual indeed, but quiet, lady-like, and sensible. And as to +Mr. Lyddell, he looked so worn and so much older, so subdued in manner, +and so free from those over civilities of former times, that Agnes made +up her mind that he must not be hated. + +Of Mrs. Lyddell she saw very little, only sitting in her room for an +hour each morning, as a visitor, but it was evident she was very much +out of health, and a great charge to them all. Agnes could be sorry for +her, but could not like her while she did not speak more cordially of +Marian. All praise of her had something forced and against the grain, +and Agnes thought her intensely ungrateful. + +Lionel interested Agnes extremely, with his happy, independent ways, +unrepining temper and spirit of enterprise. He was always eager about +some contrivance of his own, and just at this time it was wood-carving. +His left hand showed as much sticking-plaster as skin, and he used to +come into the drawing-room with it wrapped up in his handkerchief and +say, "Here's another, Marian," when Marian very quietly produced her +sticking-plaster, as if it was quite an ordinary matter; nay, would +not follow up the suggestion that he should not have so sharp a knife, +saying that it was much better to cut one's finger with a sharp knife +than a blunt one. He had cut about twenty bits of wood to waste, to say +nothing of hands, but he persevered with amusing energy, and before the +end of the visit had achieved a capital old man's head for the top of a +walking stick, which he presented to Edmund. He promised Agnes a set of +silk winders, and in the mean time made great friends with her, getting +her to tell him about her brother's sporting adventures, and in return +making himself very amusing with relations out of his sailor brother's +letters. Johnny had been concerned in the great exploit of climbing the +Peter Bottle mountain, and Lionel was as proud of it as if he had done +it himself, making Marian show everybody a drawing which Gerald had made +of the appearance that Johnny must have cut, standing on one leg on the +highest stone. They were also struck with the change in the manner in +which Walter was regarded, and the pride and affection with which all +the family spoke of his doings at his curacy. + +But that Marian, though not prominent, and apparently merely a guest, +was necessary to the comfort of each member of the family, was a thing +that at the end of a fortnight, Agnes could not deny. Nor could she +attempt to make up a case to show that she and her husband were equally +in want of her. + +"So, Marian," said she, as they parted, "I forgive you on condition of +your spending Christmas with us." + +"And I ought to forgive you," said Edmund, "in consideration of the +fulfilment of my prediction that you would not be able to leave the +Lyddells when I was ready to receive you." + +Marian smiled, and watched them from the door. As they lost sight of +the house, Edmund turned to his wife, saying, "How little we are fit to +order events! Here, Agnes, I looked back at this house six years ago +in a sort of despair. I was ready to reproach Providence, to reproach +everything. I thought I saw my uncle's children in the way to be ruined, +all his work undone, and there was I, unable to act, and yet with the +responsibility of the care of them. I tell you, Agnes, I never was so +wretched in my life. And yet what short-sightedness! There has Marian +been, placed, like a witness of the truth, calm, firm, constant, +guarding herself and her brother first, and then softening, and winning +all that came under her influence." + +"Oh! but, Edmund, your coming home saved Gerald," said the wife, who +could not see her husband's credit given away even to Marian. + +"I brought the experience and authority that she could not have, but +vain would have been my attempts without the sense of right she had +always kept up in his mind. Trouble has done much for those Lyddells, +but I don't believe that without her, it would have had that effect: +When I remember what Mr. Lyddell was, his carelessness, the painful +manner in which he used to talk; when I see him now, when I think of +what that poor Caroline was saved from, when I see the alteration in +Clara, and watch that blind boy, then I see indeed that our little +Marian, whom we thought thrown away and spoilt, was sent there to be +a blessing. If she had been naturally a winning, gentle, persuasive +person, I should have thought less of the wonder; but in her it is +the simple force of goodness, undecorated. I once feared the constant +opposition in which she lived, would harden her, but instead, she has +softened, sweetened, and lost all that was hard and haughty in her ways, +when it was no longer needed for a protection. Selina Marchmont has +failed too in giving her the exclusive spirit which I once feared +for her. It is as if she had a spell for passing through the world +unscathed." + +"And you think she is happy?" + +"As happy as those that never look for their happiness in this world." + +Agnes sighed. "My vision has always been," said she, "to see Marian as +happy as--ourselves." + +"She may be yet," said Edmund smiling, "but she has the best sort of +happiness. She is in less danger of clinging to this world than we are. +And somehow she gives me the impression of one too high and noble to +seek her happiness in the way in which most people look for it. Yes, +we ourselves, Agnes, we have a nest and home in this world; she stands +above it, and her only relation with it is to make others happy." + +"She little thinks how we talk of her," said Agnes. "And still stranger +it is, that with the reverence I have for her, I can play with her and +scold her." + +A silence; ending with Agnes repeating, + + "GOOD LORD, through this world's troubled way + Thy children's course secure; + And lead them onward day by day, + Kindly like Thee and pure. + + "Be theirs to do Thy work of love, + All erring souls to win; + Amid a sinful world to move, + Yet give no smile to sin." + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Two Guardians, by Charlotte Mary Yonge + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + +***** This file should be named 9926-8.txt or 9926-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/9/2/9926/ + +Produced by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and +the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/9926-8.zip b/9926-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8dc9e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/9926-8.zip diff --git a/9926.txt b/9926.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06ceffd --- /dev/null +++ b/9926.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14427 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Two Guardians, by Charlotte Mary Yonge + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Two Guardians + +Author: Charlotte Mary Yonge + +Posting Date: November 12, 2011 [EBook #9926] +Release Date: February, 2006 +First Posted: October 31, 2003 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + + + + +Produced by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and +the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + + +THE TWO GUARDIANS + +or, HOME IN THIS WORLD + +by CHARLOTTE MARY YONGE + +THE AUTHOR OF "THE HEIR OF REDCLYFFE," "HENRIETTA'S WISH," "KENNETH," +"HEARTSEASE," "THE CASTLE BUILDERS," ETC. + +1871 + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Stay here, Marian! I don't care if all the world heard +me."] + + + +PREFACE. + + +In putting forth another work, the Author is anxious to say a few words +on the design of these stories; not with a view to obviate criticism, +but in hopes of pointing to the moral, which has been thought not +sufficiently evident, perhaps because it has been desired to convey, +rather than directly inculcate it. + +Throughout these tales the plan has been to present a picture of +ordinary life, with its small daily events, its pleasures, and its +trials, so as to draw out its capabilities of being turned to the best +account. Great events, such as befall only a few, are thus excluded, +and in the hope of helping to present a clue, by example, to the +perplexities of daily life, the incidents, which render a story +exciting, have been sacrificed, and the attempt has been to make the +interest of the books depend on character painting. + +Each has been written with the wish to illustrate some principle which +may be called the key note. "Abbeychurch" is intended to show the need +of self-control and the evil of conceit in different manifestations; +according to the various characters, "Scenes and Characters" was meant +to exemplify the effects of being guided by mere feeling, set in +contrast with strict adherence to duty. In "Henrietta's Wish" the +opposition is between wilfulness and submission--filial submission as +required, in the young people, and that of which it is a commencement as +well as a type, as instanced in Mrs. Frederick Langford. The design of +the "Castle Builders" is to show the instability and dissatisfaction of +mind occasioned by the want of a practical, obedient course of daily +life; with an especial view to the consequences of not seeking strength +and assistance in the appointed means of grace. + +And as the very opposite to Emmeline's feeble character, the heroine +of the present story is intended to set forth the manner in which a +Christian may contend with and conquer this world, living in it but not +of it, and rendering it a means of self-renunciation. It is therefore +purposely that the end presents no great event, and leaves Marian +unrecompensed save by the effects her consistent well doing has +produced on her companions. Any other compensation would render her +self-sacrifice incomplete, and make her no longer invisibly above the +world. + +_October 14th_, 1852. + + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + "With fearless pride I say + That she is healthful, fleet, and strong + And down the rocks will leap along, + Like rivulets in May." + + WORDSWORTH. + + +Along a beautiful Devonshire lane, with banks of rock overhung by tall +bowery hedges, rode a lively and merry pair, now laughing and talking, +now summoning by call or whistle the spaniel that ran by their side, or +careered through the fields within the hedge. + +The younger was a maiden of about twelve years old, in a long black and +white plaid riding-skirt, over a pink gingham frock, and her dark hair +hidden beneath a little cap furnished with a long green veil, which +was allowed to stream behind her in the wind, instead of affording the +intended shelter to a complexion already a shade or two darkened by the +summer sun, but with little colour in the cheeks; and what there was, +only the pale pink glow like a wild rose, called up for the moment +by warmth and exercise, and soon to pass away. Still there was no +appearance of want of health; the skin was of a clear, soft, fresh shade +of brown; the large dark eyes, in spite of all their depth of melancholy +softness, had the wild, untamed animation of a mountaineer; the face and +form were full of free life and vigour, as she sat erect and perfectly +at ease on her spirited little bay pony, which at times seemed so lively +that it might have been matter of surprise to a stranger that so young a +horsewoman should be trusted on its back. + +Her companion was a youth some ten or eleven years her senior, +possessing a handsome set of regular features, with a good deal of +family likeness to hers; dark eyes and hair, and a figure which, though +slight, was rather too tall to look suitable to the small, stout, strong +pony which carried him and his numerous equipments, consisting of a long +rod-case, a fishing-basket and landing-net, in accordance with the lines +of artificial flies wreathed round his straw hat, and the various oddly +contrived pockets of his grey shooting-coat. + +In the distance at the end of the lane there appeared two walking +figures. "Mrs. Wortley!" exclaimed the young lady. + +"No, surely not out so soon!" was the answer. "She is in the depth of +lessons." + +"No, but Edmund, it is, look, and Agnes too! There, Ranger has better +eyes than you; he is racing to them." + +"Well, I acknowledge my mistake," said Edmund, drawing up his rein as +they came upon the pair,--a pleasing lady, and a pretty blue-eyed girl +of fourteen. "I did not believe my eyes, Mrs. Wortley, though Marian +tried to persuade me. I thought you were always reading Italian at this +time in the morning, Agnes". + +"And I thought you were reading Phaedrus with Gerald," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"Ay," said Agnes, "we did not know what to make of you coming up the +lane; you with your lance there, like the Red Cross Knight himself, and +Marian with her palfry for Una." + +"The knight must have borrowed the dwarf's ass," said Edmund, laughing, +and putting his lance in rest. + +"And where have you been, then, at this portentous time of day, Agnes?" +asked Marian. + +"We heard a report of Betty Lapthorn's child having another fit," said +Agnes, "and set off to see; but it turned out to be a false alarm. And +now we are going up to the Manor House to ask Lady Arundel if she has +any arrowroot for it, for ours is all used up." + +"Shall we find her at leisure?" added Mrs. Wortley. + +"Yes," said Marian. "Gerald has finished his lessons by this time. +Mamma thought it would be too far for him to go with us, and besides he +frightens the fish." + +"Which you are in too good training to do, Marian," said Mrs. Wortley. +"And how is your papa to-day?" + +"Oh, it is a good day," said Marian: "he was up before we set off." + +"Down stairs? For perhaps we had better not go now, just after he is +tired with coming down," said Mrs. Wortley. "Now, Mr. Arundel, you will +tell me honestly, and this arrowroot will do just as well another time; +or if Marian will carry home the message--" + +"Well," said Edmund, smiling, "to give you a proof of my sincerity, I +think you had better perhaps go rather later in the day. My uncle very +unnecessarily hurried himself, thinking that he was keeping me waiting +to help him down stairs, and I thought he seemed rather tired; but he +will be very glad to see you in the afternoon. Indeed, he would be very +glad now, only you asked me as a question of prudence." + +"Don't make civil speeches at the end to spoil just such a reply as I +wanted," said Mrs. Wortley. "I am afraid you do not think Sir Edmund +much better since you were last at home." + +Edmund shook his head. "If he has not lost ground, it is well," said he, +"and I think at least there is less pain." + +"Well, I will not keep you any longer," said Mrs. Wortley; "good-bye, +and good sport to you." + +And with a wave of the hand on rode the two cousins, Edmund and Marian +Arundel. + +"What an excellent thing it is for the village that those Wortleys are +come!" said Edmund. + +"Yes; now that mamma cannot attend much to the school and poor people, I +don't know what we should do without them. How different it was in old +Mr. May's time! I hope we shall get the Church set to rights now, when +papa is well enough to attend to it." + +"It is high time, certainly," said Edmund; "our Church is almost a +disgrace to us, especially with the Arundel aisle, to show what our +ancestors did." + +"No, not quite to us," said Marian; "you know papa would have done it +all long ago, if the idea had not vexed poor old Mr. May so much. But +Ranger! Ranger! where is Ranger, Edmund?" + +Edmund whistled, and presently, with whirring, rushing wing, there flew +over the hedge beside them a covey of partridges, followed by Ranger's +eager bark. Marian's pony started, danced, and capered; Edmund watched +her with considerable anxiety, but she reined it in with a steady, +dexterous, though not a strong hand, kept her seat well, and rode on in +triumph, while Edmund exclaimed, "Capital, Marian!" Then looking back, +"What a shot that was!" he added in a sort of parenthesis, continuing, +"I am proud, Mayflower is not a bit too much for you now, though I think +we must have given her up if you had had another tumble." + +"Oh, no, no, I do so delight in Mayflower, pretty creature!" said +Marian, patting her neck. "I like to feel that the creature I ride is +alive--not an old slug, like that animal which you are upon, Edmund." + +"That is decidedly ungrateful of you, Marian, when you learnt to ride +upon this identical slug, and owe the safety of your neck to its quiet +propensities. Now take care down this stony hill; hold her up well--that +is right." + +Care was certainly needed as they descended the steep hill side; the +road, or rather pathway, cut out between high, steep, limestone rocks, +and here and there even bare of earth. Any one but a native would have +trembled at such a descent but though the cousins paid attention to +their progress, they had no doubts or alarms. At the bottom a clear +sparkling stream traversed the road, where, for the convenience of foot +passengers, a huge flat stone had been thrown across from one high bank +to the other, so as to form a romantic bridge. Marian, however, did not +avail herself of it, but rode gallantly through the shallow water, only +looking back at it to observe to Edmund, "We must make a sketch of that +some day or other." + +"I am afraid we cannot get far enough off," said Edmund, "to make a good +drawing of it. Too many things go to the making of the picturesque." + +"Yes, I know, but that is what I never can understand. I see by woeful +experience that what is pretty in itself will not make a pretty drawing, +and everyone says so; but I never could find out why." + +"Perhaps because we cannot represent it adequately." + +"Yes, but there is another puzzle; you sometimes see an exact +representation, which is not really a picture at all. Don't you know +that thing that the man who came to the door did of our house,--the +trees all green, and the sky all blue, and the moors all purple?" + +"As like as it can stare; yes, I know." + +"Well, why does that not satisfy us? why is it not a picture?" + +"Because it stares, I suppose. Why does not that picture of my aunt +at Mrs. Week's cottage satisfy you as well as the chalk sketch in the +dining-room?" + +"Because it has none of herself--her spirit." + +"Well, I should say that nature has a self and a spirit which must be +caught, or else the Chinese would be the greatest artists on the face of +the earth." + +"Yes, but why does an archway, or two trees standing up so as to +enclose the landscape, or--or any of those things that do to put in the +foreground, why do they enable you to make a picture, to catch this self +and spirit." + +"Make the phial to enclose the genie," said Edmund. "Abstruse questions, +Marian; but perhaps it is because they contract the space, so as to +bring it more to the level of our capacity, make it less grand, and more +what we can get into keeping. To be sure, he would be a presumptuous man +who tried to make an exact likeness of that," he added, as they reached +the top of the hill, and found themselves on an open common, with here +and there a mass of rock peeping up, but for the most part covered with +purple heath and short furze, through which Ranger coursed, barking +joyously. The view was splendid, on one side the moors rising one +behind the other, till they faded in grey distance, each crowned with +a fantastic pile of rocks, one in the form of a castle, another of +a cathedral, another of a huge crouching lion, all known to the two +cousins by name, and owned as familiar friends. On the other side, +between two hills, each surmounted by its own rocky crest, lay nestled +in woods the grey Church tower and cottages of the village of Fern Torr; +and far away stretched the rich landscape of field, wood, and pasture, +ending at length in the blue line of horizon, where sky and sea seemed +to join. + +"Beautiful! how clear!" was all Marian's exclamation, though she drew +up her horse and gazed with eager eyes, and a deep feeling of the +loveliness of the scene, but with scarcely a remark. There was something +in the sight which made her heart too full for words. + +After a time of delighted contemplation, Ranger was summoned from a +close investigation of a rabbit-hole, and turning into a cart track, +the cousins rode down the side of the hill, where presently appeared +an orchard full of gnarled old apple trees, covered with fruit of all +shades of red, yellow, and green. A little further on were the large +stone barns, and picturesque looking house, which enclosed a farm-yard +strewn with heaps of straw, in which pigs, poultry, and red cows were +enjoying themselves. The gate was opened by a wild-looking cow-boy, who +very respectfully touched his cap; and at the house door appeared a nice +elderly looking old fashioned farmer's wife, who came forward to meet +them with bright looks of cordiality, and kindly greetings to Master +Edmund and Miss Marian. + +"Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund, as he held +Marian's pony; "we are come to ask if you will give our ponies stable +room for a couple of hours, while we go fishing up the river." + +"O yes, certainly, sir, but won't you come in a little while and rest? +it is a long walk for Miss Marian." + +They did comply with her invitation so far as to enter the large clean +kitchen; the kitchen for show, that is to say, with the sanded floor, +the bunch of evergreens in the covered kitchen-range, the dark old +fashioned clock, the bright range of crockery, and well polished oaken +table; and there, while Marian laid aside her riding-skirt, the good +woman commenced her anxious inquiries for Sir Edmund. + +"Pretty much the same as usual, thank you," said Edmund. + +"No better, then, sir? Ah! I was afraid how it was; it is so long since +I have seen him at church, and he used to come sometimes last summer: +and my husband said when he saw him last week about the rent, he was so +fallen away that he would hardly have known him." + +"It has been a very long illness," said Edmund. + +"Yes, sir; I do wish we could see him about among us again, speaking as +cheerful as he used." + +"Why he is very cheerful now, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund. "No one +who only heard him talk would guess how much he has to suffer." + +Mrs. Cornthwayte shook her head with a sort of gesture of compassionate +admiration, and presently added, + +"But do you think he gets better on the whole, Master Edmund? Do the +doctors say there is much likelihood of his being well again, and coming +among us?" + +Edmund looked down and did not reply very readily. "I am afraid we must +not hope for that; we must be satisfied as long as he does not lose +ground, and I certainly think he has had less pain of late." + +A little more conversation passed between Edmund and the good wife, and +a few words from Marian; after which they set off across one or two +fields towards the place of their destination, Marian carrying her +little sketching-basket in silence for some distance, until she suddenly +exclaimed, "Edmund, is papa really getting worse?" + +"Why should you think so, Marian?" + +"I don't know, only from what you say when people inquire after him; and +sometimes when I come to think about it, I believe he can do less than +last year. He gets up later, and does not go out so often, and now you +say he will never get quite well, and I always thought he would." + +"No, I am afraid there is no likelihood of that, Marian: the doctors say +he may be much better, but never quite well." + +"But do you think he is better?" + +"He has had less suffering of late, certainly, and so far we must be +thankful; but, as you say, Marian, I am afraid he is weaker than last +time I was at home, and I thought him much altered when I came. Still I +do not think him materially worse, and I believe I might have thought +him improved, if I had been here all the winter." + +Marian became silent again, for her disposition was not to express her +feelings readily, and besides, she was young enough to be able to put +aside anxiety which, perhaps, she did not fully comprehend. It was the +ordinary state of things for her father to be unwell, and his illness +scarcely weighed upon her spirits, especially on a holiday and day of +pleasure like the present; for though she often shared Edmund's walks +and rides, a long expedition like this was an unusual treat. + +After traversing several fields, they entered a winding path through a +copse, which, descending a steep hill side, conducted them at length to +the verge of a clear stream, which danced over or round the numerous +rocks which obstructed its passage, making a pleasant, rippling sound. +Here and there under the overhanging trees were deep quiet pools, where +the water, of clear transparent brown color, contained numbers of little +trout, the object of Edmund's pursuit. But more frequently the water +splashed, dashed, and brawled along its rocky way, at the bottom of +the narrow wooded ravine in which the valley ended. It was indeed a +beautiful scene, with the sun glancing on the green of the trees and +the bright sparkling water; and Marian could scarcely restrain her +exclamations of delight, out of consideration for the silence required +by her cousin's sport. She helped him to put his rod together, and +arrange his reel, with the dexterity of one who well understood the +matter; and then sat down under a fern-covered rock with a book in her +hand, whilst he commenced his fishing. As he slowly proceeded up the +stream, she changed her place so as to follow him at a distance; now and +then making expeditions into the wood at the side of the hill to study +some remarkable rock, some tree of peculiar form, or to gather a +handsome fern-leaf, or nodding fox-glove with its purple bells. Or the +little sketch-book came out, and she caught the form of the rock with a +few strokes of bold outline and firm shading, with more power over her +soft pencil than is usual at her age, though her foliage was not of the +most perfect description. Her own occupations did not, however, prevent +her from observing all her cousin's proceedings; she knew whenever he +captured a trout, she was at hand to offer help when his hook, was +caught in a bramble, and took full and complete interest in the sport. + +At last, after a successful fishing up the glen, they arrived at a place +where the ravine was suddenly closed in by a perpendicular rock of +about twenty feet in height, down which the water fell with its full +proportion of foam and spray, forming a cascade which Marian thought +"magnificent,"--Edmund, "very pretty." + +"Edmund, I am afraid the Lake country has spoilt you for Devonshire. I +wish they had never sent your regiment to the north!" + +"That would not prevent the falls in Westmoreland from being twice the +height of this." + +"It would prevent you from saying that here it is not as beautiful as +any thing can be." + +"And nothing short of that will satisfy you. You had better stand in a +narrow pass, and challenge every passer-by to battle in defence of the +beauty of Fern Torr." + +"I don't care about every body; but you, Edmund, ought to be more +dutiful to your own home." + +"You are exclusive, Marian; but come," and he stuck his rod into the +ground, "let us have some of your sandwiches." + +"Not till you confess that you like Fern Torr better than all the fine +places that you ever saw." + +"Liking with all one's heart is one thing, admiring above all others is +another, as you will find when you have seen more of the world, Marian." + +"I am sure I shall never think so." + +While this contest was going on, Marian had unpacked some sandwiches and +biscuits, and they sat down to eat them with the appetite due to such +a walk. Then came a conversation, in which Marian submitted to hear +something of the beauties of the Lakes, in the shape of a comment on the +"Bridal of Triermain," which she had brought with her; next an attempt +at sketching the cascade, in which Edmund was successful enough to make +Marian much discontented with her own performance, and declare that she +was tired of sitting still, and had a great mind to try to climb up the +rocks by the side of the fall. She was light, active, and well able to +scramble, and with a little help here and there from her cousin's strong +hand, the top was merrily gained; and springing along from rock to rock, +they traced the windings of the stream even to the end of the copse and +the opening of the moor. It was a great achievement for Marian, for even +Edmund had only once been this way before when out shooting. She would +fain have mounted to the top of a peak which bounded her view, but being +assured that she would only find Alps on Alps arise, she submitted to +Edmund's judgment, and consented to retrace her steps, through wood and +wild, to Mrs. Cornthwayte's, where they found a feast prepared for +them of saffron buns, Devonshire cream, and cyder. Then mounting their +steeds, and releasing Ranger from durance in the stable, they rode +homewards for about three miles, when they entered the village in the +valley at the foot of the steep rocky hill, from which it was named Fern +Torr. Excepting the bare rugged summit, this hill was well covered with +wood, and opposite to it rose more gently another elevation, divided +into fields and meadows. The little old Church, with its square tower, +and the neat vicarage beside it, were the only buildings above the rank +of cottages, of which some twenty stood irregularly ranged in their +gardens and orchards, along the banks of the bright little stream which +bounded the road, at present scarcely large enough to afford swimming +space for the numerous ducks that paddled in it; but the width of its +stony bed, and the large span of the one-arched bridge that traversed +it, showing what was its breadth and strength in the winter floods. + +A little beyond this bridge was a wicket gate, leading to a path up +the wooded height; and Edmund at this moment seeing a boy in a stable +jacket, asked Marian if he should not let him lead the ponies round +by the drive, while they walked up the steps. She readily agreed, and +Edmund helping her to dismount, they took their way up the path, which +after a very short interval led to a steep flight of steps, cut out +in the face of the limestone rock, and ascending through ferns, +mountain-ash, and rhododendrons for about fifty or sixty feet, when it +was concluded by what might be called either a broad terrace or narrow +lawn, upon which stood a house irregularly built of the rough stone +of the country, and covered with luxuriant myrtles and magnolias. +Immediately behind, the ground again rose so precipitously, that +scarcely could coign of vantage be won for the garden, on a succession +of narrow shelves or ledges, which had a peculiarly beautiful effect, +adorned, as they were, with gay flowers, and looking, as Edmund was wont +to say, as gorgeous and as deficient in perspective as an old piece of +tapestry. + +"There is papa out of doors," exclaimed Marian, as she emerged upon +the lawn, and ran eagerly up to a Bath chair, in which was seated a +gentleman whose face and form showed too certain tokens of long and +wasting illness. He held out his hand to her, saying, "Well, Marian, +good sport, I hope, and no more tumbles from Mayflower." + +"Marian sits like a heroine," said Edmund, coming up; "I am glad to see +you out." + +"It is such a fine evening that I was tempted to come and see the +magnolia that you have all been boasting of: and really it is worth +seeing. Those white blossoms are magnificent." + +"But where is mamma?" asked Marian. + +"Carried off by Gerald, to say whether he may have a superannuated sea +kale pot for some purpose best known to himself, in his desert island. +They will be here again in another minute. There, thank you, Edmund, +that is enough," he added, as his nephew drew his chair out of a streak +of sunshine which had just come over him. "Now, how far have you been? I +hope you have seen the cascade, Marian?" + +"O yes, papa, and scrambled up the side of it too. I had no idea of any +thing so beautiful," said Marian. "The spray was so white and glancing. +Oh! I wish I could tell you one half of the beauty of it." + +"I remember well the delight of the first discovery of it," said Sir +Edmund, "when I was a mere boy, and found my way there by chance, as I +was shooting. I came up the glen, and suddenly found myself in the midst +of this beautiful glade, with the waterfall glancing white in the sun." + +"I wish we could transplant it," said Edmund; "but after all, perhaps +its being so remote and inaccessible is one of its great charms. Ah! +young monkey, is it you?" added he, as Gerald, a merry bright-eyed boy +of seven years old, came rushing from behind and commenced a romping +attack upon him. "Take care, not such a disturbance close to papa." + +"O mamma, we have had the most delightful day!" cried Marian, springing +to the side of her mother, who now came forward from the kitchen garden, +and whose fair and gentle, but careworn, anxious face, lighted up with a +bright sweet smile, as she observed the glow on her daughter's usually +pale cheek, and the light that danced in her dark brown eye. + +"I'm glad you have had such a pleasant day, my dear," said she. "It is +very kind in Edmund to be troubled with such a wild goose." + +"Wild geese are very good things in their way," said Edmund; "water and +land, precipice and moor, 'tis all the same to them." + +"And when will you take me, Edmund?" asked Gerald. + +"When you have learnt to comport yourself with as much discretion as +Marian, master," said Edmund, sitting down on the grass, and rolling the +kicking, struggling boy over and over, while Marian stood by her papa, +showing him her sketches, and delighted by hearing him recognize the +different spots. "How can you remember them so well, papa," said she, +"when it is so very long since you saw them?" + +"That is the very reason," he answered, "we do not so much dwell on what +is constantly before us as when we have long lost sight of it. To be +confined to the house for a few years is an excellent receipt for +appreciating nature." + +"Yes, because it must make you wish for it so much," said Marian sadly. + +"Not exactly," said her father. "You cannot guess the pleasure it has +often given me to recall those scenes, and to hear you talk of them; +just as your mamma likes to hear of Oakworthy." + +"Certainly," said Lady Arundel. "I have remembered much at poor old +Oakworthy that I never thought of remarking at the time I was there. +Even flaws in the glass, and cracks in the ceiling have returned upon +me, and especially since the house has been pulled down." + +"I cannot think how the natives of an old house can wilfully destroy all +their old associations, their heirloooms," said Edmund. + +"Sometimes they have none," said his aunt. + +"Ay," said Sir Edmund, "when Gerald brings home a fine wife from +far away, see what she will say to all our dark passages and corner +cupboards, and steps up and steps down." + +"Oh! I shall not be able to bear her if she does not like them," cried +Marian. + +"I suppose that was the case with Mrs. Lyddell," added Sir Edmund, "that +she discovered the deficiencies of the old house, as well as brought +wherewith to remedy them. He does not look like a man given to change." + +"He has no such feeling for association as these people," said Lady +Arundel, pointing to Edmund and Marian; "he felt his position, in the +country raised by her fortune, and was glad to use any means of adding +to his consequence." + +"I should like to see more of them. I wish we could ask them to stay +here," said Sir Edmund, with something like a sigh. "But come, had we +not better go in? The hungry fishers look quite ready for tea." + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + "And now I set thee down to try + How thou canst walk alone." + + _Lyra Innocentium_. + + +Scarcely eight months had passed since the last recorded conversation, +when Marian, in a dress of deep mourning, was slowly pacing the garden +paths, her eyes fixed on the ground, and an expression of thoughtful +sadness on her face. Heavy indeed had been the strokes that had fallen +upon her. Before the last summer had closed, the long sufferings of her +father had been terminated by one of the violent attacks, which had +often been expected to be fatal. Nor was this all that she had to mourn. +With winter had come severe colds and coughs; Lady Arundel was seized +with an inflammation of the chest, her constitution had been much +enfeebled by watching, anxiety, and grief, and in a very few days her +children were orphans. + +It was the day following the funeral. Mrs. Wortley was staying in the +house, as were also the two guardians of the young Sir Gerald Arundel +and his sister. These were Mr. Lyddell, a relation of Lady Arundel; and +our former acquaintance, Edmund Arundel, in whom, young as he was, his +uncle had placed full confidence. He had in fact been entirely brought +up by Sir Edmund, and knew no other home than Fern Torr, having been +sent thither an orphan in earliest childhood. His uncle and aunt had +supplied the place of parents, and had been well rewarded for all they +had done for him, by his consistent well doing and completely filial +affection for them. + +Marian was startled from her musings by his voice close at hand, saying, +"All alone, Marian?" + +"Gerald is with Jemmy Wortley, somewhere," she replied, "and I begged +Mrs. Wortley and Agnes to go down the village and leave me alone. I have +been very busy all the morning, and my head feels quite confused with +thoughts!" + +"I am glad to have found you," said Edmund. "I have seen so little of +you since I have been here." + +"Yes, you have been always with Mr. Lyddell. When does he go?" + +"To-morrow morning." + +"And you stay longer, I hope?" + +"Only till Monday; I wish it was possible to stay longer, but it is +something to have a Sunday to spend here." + +"And then I am afraid it will be a long time before we see you again." + +"I hope not; if you are in London, it will be always easier to meet." + +"In London! Ah! that reminds me I wanted to ask you what I am to say to +Selina Marchmont. I have a very kind letter from her, asking us to come +to stay with her directly, and hoping that it may be arranged for us to +live with them." + +"Ah! I have a letter from her husband to the same effect," said Edmund. +"It really is very kind and friendly in them." + +"Exceedingly," said Marian. "Will you read her letter, and tell me how I +am to answer her!" + +"As to the visit, that depends upon what you like to do yourself. I +should think that you would prefer staying with the Wortleys, since they +are so kind as to receive you." + +"You don't mean," exclaimed Marian, eagerly, "staying with them for +ever!" + +Edmund shook his head. "No, Marian, I fear that cannot be." + +"Then it is as I feared," sighed Marian. "I wonder how it is that I have +thought so much about myself; but it would come into my head, what was +to become of us, and I was very much afraid of living with the Lyddells; +but still there was a little glimmering of hope that you might be able +to manage to leave us with the Wortleys." + +"I heartily wish I could," said Edmund, "but it is out of my power. My +uncle--" + +"Surely papa did not wish us to live with the Lyddells?" cried Marian. + +"I do not think he contemplated your living any where but at home." + +"But the Vicarage is more like home than any other place could ever be," +pleaded Marian, "and papa did not like the Lyddells nearly so well as +the Wortleys." + +"We must abide by his arrangements, rather than our own notions of his +wishes," said Edmund. "Indeed, I know that he thought Mr. Lyddell a very +sensible man." + +"Then poor Gerald is to grow up away from his own home, and never see +the dear old moors! But if we cannot stay here, I had rather be with +Selina. She is so fond of Gerald, and she knows what home was, and she +knew and loved--them. And we should not meet so many strangers. Only +think what numbers of Lyddells there are! Boys to make Gerald rude, and +girls, and a governess--all strangers. And they go to London!" concluded +poor Marian, reaching the climax of her terrors. "O Edmund, can you do +nothing for us?" + +"You certainly do not embellish matters in anticipation. You will find +them very different from what you expect--even London itself, which, by +the by, you would have to endure even if you were with Selina, whom I +suspect to be rather too fine and fashionable a lady for such a homely +little Devonshire girl." + +"That Mrs. Lyddell will be. She is a very gay person, and they have +quantities of company. O Edmund!" + +"The quantities of company," replied her cousin, "will interfere with +you far less in your schoolroom with the Miss Lyddells, than alone with +my Lady Marchmont, where, at your unrecognized age, you would be in +rather an awkward situation." + +"Or I could go to Torquay, to old Aunt Jessie?" + +"Aunt Jessie would not be much obliged for the proposal of giving her +such a charge." + +"But I should take care of her, and make her life less dismal and +lonely." + +"That may be very well some years hence, when you are your own mistress: +but at present I believe the trouble and change of habits which having +you with her would occasion, would not be compensated by all your +attention and kindness. Have you written to her yet?" + +"No, I do not know how, and I hoped it was one of the letters that you +undertook for me." + +"I think I ought not to relieve you of that. Aunt Jessie is your nearest +relation; I am sure this has been a great blow to her, and that it has +cost her much effort to write to you herself. You must not turn her +letter over to me, like a mere complimentary condolence." + +"Very well," said Marian, with a sigh, "though I cannot guess what I +shall say. And about Selina?" + +"You had better write and tell her how you are situated, and I will do +the same to Lord Marchmont." + +"And when must we go to the Lyddells? I thought he meant more than mere +civility, when he spoke of Oakworthy this morning, at breakfast." + +"He spoke of taking you back to London immediately, but I persuaded him +to wait till they go into Wiltshire, so you need not be rooted up from +Fern Torr just yet." + +"Thank you, that is a great reprieve." + +"And do not make up your mind beforehand to be unhappy at Oakworthy. +Very likely you will take root there, and wonder you ever shrank from +being transplanted to your new home." + +"Never! never! it is cruel to say that any place but this can be like +home! And you, Edmund, what shall you do, where shall you go, when you +have leave of absence?" + +"I shall never ask for it," said he with an effort, while his eye fell +on the window of the room which had been his own for so many years, and +the thought crossed him, "Mine no more." It had been his home, as fully +as that of his two cousins, but now it was nothing to him; and while +they had each other to cling to, he stood in the world a lonely man. + +Marian perceived his emotion, but rather than seem to notice it, she +assumed a sort of gaiety. "I'll tell you, Edmund. You shall marry a very +nice wife, and take some delightful little house somewhere hereabouts, +and we will come and stay with you till Gerald is of age." + +"Which he will be long before I have either house or wife," said Edmund, +in the same tone, "but mind, Marian, it is a bargain, unless you grow so +fond of the Lyddells as to retract." + +"Impossible." + +"Well, I will not strengthen your prejudices by contending with them." + +"Prejudice! to say that I can never be as happy anywhere as at my own +dear home! To say that I cannot bear strangers!" + +"If they were to remain strangers for all the years that you are likely +to spend with them, there might be something in that. But I see you +cannot bear to be told that you can ever be happy again, so I will not +say so any more, especially as I must finish my letters." + +"And I will try to write mine," said Marian with a sigh, as she reached +the door, and went up to take off her bonnet. + +Edmund lingered for a moment in the hall, and there was met by Mrs. +Wortley, who said she was glad to see that he had been out, for he was +looking pale and harassed. "I did not go out for any pleasant purpose," +said he. "I had to pronounce sentence on poor Marian." + +"Is it finally settled?" said Mrs. Wortley. "We still had hopes of +keeping her." + +"Sir Gerald and Miss Arundel are of too much distinction in Mr. +Lyddell's eyes to be left to their best friends," said Edmund. "It was +hard to persuade him not to take possession directly, on the plea of +change being good for their spirits." + +"It is very kind of you to put off the evil day," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +will be a grievous parting for poor Agnes." + +"A grievous business for every one," said Edmund. + +"How? Do not you think well of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell?" + +"I know my uncle never thought of these poor children's living with +them. He thought Mr. Lyddell a good man of business, but neither he nor +my aunt ever dreamed of such a home for them." + +"Would they have preferred Lady Marchmont's? Marian is very fond of +her, and was much gratified by a very nice affectionate letter that she +received this morning." + +"Yes, but I am glad she is out of the question. It is offering a great +deal both on her part and her husband's to take charge of these two, but +it would never do. She is almost a child herself,--a bride and beauty +under twenty,--excessively admired, very likely to have her head turned. +No, it would be too absurd. All her kindness, amiability, desire to make +Marian her friend and companion, would only serve to do harm." + +"Yes, you are right; yet I cannot help half wishing it could be, if it +was only to save poor Marian her terrors of going among strangers." + +"I know exactly how it will be," said Edmund. "She will shut herself +up in a double proof case of shyness and reserve. They will never +understand her, nor she them." + +"But that cannot go on for ever." + +"No; and perhaps it might be better if it could." + +"Well, but do you really know anything against them? He seems inclined +to be very kind and considerate." + +"Electioneering courtesy," said Edmund. "But now you begin to question +me, I cannot say that my--my mistrust shall I call it--or aversion? is +much better founded than the prejudices I have been scolding poor Marian +for. Perhaps it is only that I am jealous of them, and cannot think any +one out of Fern Torr worthy to bring up my uncle's children. All I know +of them is, that Mrs. Lyddell was heiress to a rich banker, she goes out +a good deal in London, and the only time that I met her I thought her +clever and agreeable. In their own county I believe she is just what a +popular member's wife should be--I don't mean popular in the sense of +radical. I think I have heard too something about the eldest son not +turning out well; but altogether, you see, I have not grounds enough to +justify any opposition to their desire of having the children." + +"How are they as to Church principles?" + +"That I really cannot tell. I should think they troubled themselves very +little about the matter, and would only dislike any thing strong either +way. If my aunt had but been able to make some arrangement! No doubt it +was upon her mind when she asked so often for me!" + +"Yes, but there is this comfort," said Mrs. Wortley, seeing him much +troubled, "that she did not seem to make herself anxious and restless on +their account. She trusted them, and so may we." + +"Yes, that is all that one can come to," said Edmund, sighing deeply. +"But Gerald! One pities Marian the most now, but it is a more serious +matter for him." + +"Gerald will be more in your power than his sister," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"As if that was much comfort," said Edmund, half smiling, then again +sighing, "when even for my own concerns I miss my uncle's advice at +every turn. And probably I may have to go on foreign service next year." + +"Then he will be at school." + +"Yes. He was not to have gone till he was ten years old, but I shall try +to hasten it now. He must go with his sister to Oakworthy though, for to +begin without him there would be complete desolation in her eyes." + +Here the conversation was concluded by Marian's coming down to write her +painfully composed letters. That to her cousin, Lady Marchmont, who, +as Selina Grenville, had been a frequent and favourite visitor at the +manor, ran glibly enough off the pen, and the two or three quiet tears +that blotted the paper, fell from a feeling of affection rather than of +regret; but the letter to old Mrs. Jessie Arundel, her great aunt, and +one or two others which Edmund had desired her to write, were works of +time. Marian's feelings were seldom freely expressed even to those whom +she loved best, and to write down expressions of grief, affection, or +gratitude, as a matter of course, was positively repugnant to her. + +The great work was not finished till late, and then came in Gerald and +Agnes, and the tea drinking among themselves was rendered cheerful by +Agnes' anticipations of pleasure in their going the next day to the +parsonage for a long visit. Gerald began to play with her, and soon got +into quite high spirits, and Marian herself had smiled, nay, almost +laughed, before the gentlemen came in from the dining room, when the +presence of Mr. Lyddell cast over her a cloud of dull dread and silence, +so that she did not through the rest of the evening raise her head three +inches from her book. + +Yet as Mrs. Wortley had said, Mr. Lyddell was evidently inclined to be +kind to her and her brother. He patted Gerald on the head as he wished +him good night, and said good-naturedly to Marian that she must be great +friends with his girls, Caroline and Clara. + +Marian tried to look civil, but could not find an answer both sincere +and polite, and Mrs. Wortley, speaking for her, asked if they were +nearly of the same age as she was. + +"Well, I can't exactly tell," said Mr. Lyddell. "I should think she was +between them. You are thirteen, aren't you, Marian? Well, Caroline may +be a couple of years older, and Clara--I know her birthday was the other +day, for I had to make her a present,--but how old she was I can't +exactly recollect, whether it was twelve or thirteen. So you see you +will not want for companions at Oakworthy, and you will be as happy +there as your poor mamma used to be in the old house. Many was the laugh +she has had there with my poor sister, and now they are both gone--well, +there, I did not mean to overset you,--but--" + +Marian could not bear it. She could talk of her mother to Mrs. Wortley, +Agnes, or Edmund, with complete composure, but she could not bear Mr. +Lyddell's hearty voice trying, as she thought, at sentiment, and forcing +the subject upon her, and without a word or a look she hurried out of +the room, and did not come back all the evening. Agnes followed her, +and pitied her, and thought Mr. Lyddell should have said nothing of the +kind, and sat down over the fire with her in her own room to read hymns. + +The next day Mr. Lyddell left Fern Torr, and Marian was so glad to +gee him depart as to be able to endure much better his invitations to +Oakworthy. That same day Marian and Gerald went to the parsonage, and +Edmund, after spending a quiet Sunday at Fern Torr, bade them farewell +on the Monday morning. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + "Where once we dwelt our name is heard no more, + Children not thine 'may tread' my nurseryfloor." + + COWPER. + + +The way of life at Fern Torr parsonage was so quiet as to afford few +subjects for narration. Mrs. Wortley was a gentle, sensible person, very +fond of Marian and Gerald, both for their own sake and their mother's, +and to be with her was to them as like being at home as anything could +be. Agnes was quite wrapped up in her friend, whom she pitied so +heartily, and was to lose so soon. She had known no troubles except +through Marian, she reverenced Marian's griefs, and in her respect for +them was inclined to spoil her not a little. Then, through nothing +against the Lyddells had ever been said to Agnes, she had caught +all Marian's prejudiced dislike to them, and sometimes in lively +exaggeration, sometimes in grave condolence, talked of them "as these +horrid people." + +Marian felt every day was precious as it passed, and the time seemed to +her far less than two months, when one day there arrived a letter from +Mrs. Lyddell to announce that the family were about to leave London, and +in the course of a week Mr. Lyddell would come to fetch her and Gerald +to Oakworthy. + +The letter was kindly expressed, but this was lost upon Marian in the +pain its purport gave her, and the difficulty of composing an answer. +She chose her smallest sheet of writing-paper with the deepest black +edge, wrote as widely as she could, and used the longest words, but with +all Mrs. Wortley's suggestions, she could not eke out what she had to +say beyond the first page. She would not even send her love to her +cousins, for she said she could have no particular affection for them, +and to express any pleasure in the prospect of seeing so many strangers +would be an actual untruth. + +What a week was that which followed! Marian loved her home with that +enthusiasm which especially belongs to the inhabitants of mountainous +districts, and still more acutely did she feel the separation from all +that reminded her of her parents. If she had not had Gerald to go with +her she did not know how she could have borne it, but Gerald, her own +beautiful brother, with his chestnut curls, dark bright eyes, sweet +temper, and great cleverness and goodness, he must be a comfort to her +wherever she was. Gerald was one of those children who seem to have a +peculiar atmosphere of bright grace and goodness around them, who make +beautiful earnest sayings in their simplicity which are treasured up by +their friends, who, while regarding them with joy and something like +veneration, watch them likewise with fear and trembling. Thus had his +mother looked upon Gerald, and thus in some degree did Mrs. Wortley; but +Marian had nothing but pride, joy, and confidence in him, unalloyed save +now and then by the secret, half superstitious fear that such goodness +might mark him for early death. + +By Marian's own especial desire, she went to almost every cottage to +take leave, but all she could do was to stand with her head averted and +her lips compressed, while Mrs. Wortley spoke for her. Her next task was +to look over the boxes and drawers at the manor house, in case it should +be let; for no one else could be trusted to decide what hoards of highly +prized trifles should be locked up, and what must be thrown away. She +alone could choose the little keepsakes to be given to old servants and +village friends, and she must select what she would take to Oakworthy. + +She stood lingering before each picture, viewing the old familiar +furniture with loving eyes, and sighing at the thought that strangers +would alter the arrangements, look carelessly or critically on her +father's portrait, think her wild garden a collection of weeds, and root +up the flowering fern which Edmund had helped her to transplant. She +went into her own room, and felt almost ready to hate the person who +might occupy it; she lay down on the bed, and looking up at the same +branch of lime tree, and the same piece of sky which had met her eyes +every morning, she mused there till she was roused by hearing Gerald's +voice very loud in the nursery. Hastening thither, she found him +insisting that his collection of stones and spars was much too precious +to mend the roads with, as their maid Saunders proposed, and Agnes +settling the matter satisfactorily by offering to take them to adorn a +certain den in the vicarage garden with. The ponies were to be turned +out to grass, the rabbits were bestowed on James Wortley, and Ranger +was to be kept at the vicarage till Edmund could come and fetch him, +together with his books, which Marian had to look out, and she found it +a service of difficulty, since "Edmund Gerald" could scarcely be said to +answer the purpose of a proper name in the Arundel family. + +The last day at home arrived, the eve of S. James. Marian went to +prepare her class at the weekly school, resolved to do just as usual to +the last. She had to read them the conversation on S. James's Day in +"Fasts and Festivals," but she could hardly get through with it, the +separation between early friends reminded her so much of herself and +Agnes, and then the comparison of the two roads, one in burning and +scorching sunshine, the other in the cool fresh shade, almost overset +her, for though she could not tell why, she chose to be persuaded that +the first must be hers. But they both ended in the same place. She felt +tears coming into her eyes, but she kept them down, and went on reading +in a steady monotonous voice, as if the meaning was nothing to her; she +asked the children questions in a dry, grave, matter-of-fact way, as if +she had not the slightest interest in them or in the subject, though her +heart was full of affection to the dullest and roughest among them, and +when she went away, her nod, and "well, good morning," to the school +mistress were several shades further from warmth than usual. + +All the way back from the school she was eagerly telling Agnes exactly +the point where she left each child in her class, and begging her to +say the kind things which she meant to have said to Grace Knight, the +mistress. + +Agnes laughed and said, "I hope she will take my word for it all. Why +could you not speak to her? At least I thought you were not afraid of +her." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "I thought I could, but it is very odd. You +see, Agnes, how it is; the more I care, the more I can't speak, and I +can't help it." + +"Well, don't be unhappy about it," said Agnes. "I know what you mean, +and am ready to take you as you are, and if other people don't, it is +their own fault." + +Agnes was rather too fond of Marian to be exactly right here, for it was +not at all a good thing that she should be encouraged in a reserve which +led her not always to do as she would be done by. + +The two girls came in, lingered in each other's rooms while they +dressed, and at last were called down stairs by Mrs. Wortley, who was +ready to finish with them the last chapter of the book they had been +reading aloud together. Gerald sat in the window, his friend Jemmy +hanging over him, and the two together composing a marvellous +battlepiece, in which Gerald drew horses, men, cannon, and arrows, and +Jemmy, like a small Homer, suggested the various frightful wounds they +should be receiving, and the attitudes in which they should fall. The +general, with a tremendous Turkish sabre, an immense cocked hat, and +a horse with very stiff legs, was just being represented receiving an +unfortunate-looking prisoner, considerably spotted with vermillion +paint, when a sound of wheels was heard, and both boys starting up, +exclaimed, "Here he comes!" + +He, as Marian knew full well, was Mr. Lyddell; and a chilliness came +over her as he entered, tall, broad, ruddy, treading heavily, and +speaking loudly: and Gerald pressed close to her, squeezing her hand +so tight that she could hardly withdraw it to shake hands with her +guardian. With one hand he held her cold reluctant fingers, with the +other gave Gerald's head a patronizing pat. "Well, my dears, how d'ye +do? quite well? and ready to start with me to-morrow? That is right. +Caroline and Clara have had their heads full of nothing but you this +long time--only wanted to have come with me." + +Here Marian succeeded in drawing back her hand, and retreated to the +window; Gerald was creeping after her, but Mr. Lyddell laid hold of his +chin, and drew him back, saying. "What, shy, my man? we shall cure you +at Oakworthy My boys will give you no peace if they see you getting into +your sister's pocket." + +Gerald disengaged himself, and made a rapid retreat. It was a long time +before he again appeared, and when Mrs. the housekeeper at the Manor +House, came down in the course of the evening to say good-bye, she said, +"And ma'am, where do you think I found that dear child, Sir Gerald, not +two hours ago?" She wiped away a gush of tears, and went on. "I thought +I heard a noise in the drilling room, and went to see, and there, ma'am, +was the dear little fellow lying on the floor, the bare boards, for the +carpet is taken up, you know, Miss Marian, before his papa's picture, +crying and sobbing as if his heart would break. But as soon as I opened +the door, and he saw me, he snatched up his hat, and jumped out at the +open window, which he had come in by, I suppose, for I never heard him +open the door." + +Marian, after her usual fashion, had no reply, but it was pleasant to +her to think of what had taken place, since Gerald had not in general +shown much concern at the leaving home. + +They all met at breakfast next morning; Marian, was firmly determined +against crying, and by dint of squeezing up her lips, and not uttering a +word, succeeded in keeping her resolution; but poor Agnes could eat no +breakfast, and did nothing but cry, till Mr. Lyddell, by saying that her +tears were a great honour both to herself and Marian, entirely checked +them. + +"I hope," said Mr. Wortley, "that Mrs. Lyddell will not be very strict +in inquiring into the quantity of Marian's idle correspondence. The +friends there mean to console themselves with multitudes of letters." + +"Oh, certainly, certainly," said Mr. Lyddell. "Old friends for ever! So +mind, Marian, I mean to be very angry if you forget to write to Miss +Wortley." + +"Thank you," said Marian, knowing that she was saying something silly, +and trying to smile. + +"Come, then," said Mr. Lyddell, "thank your friends once more for their +kindness, and let us be going." + +Thanks from Marian were out of the question, and she tried to get out +of hearing of the sentences beginning, "I am sure we shall always be +sensible," "Nothing could be kinder," which her guardian was pouring +out. She moved with Agnes to the door: the summer sky was deeply blue, +without a cloud, the fresh green branches of the trees stood up against +it as if bathed in light, the flower beds were glowing with gay +blossoms, Gerald and Jemmy were playing with Ranger under the verandah, +and the Church bells rang cheerfully for morning service, but alas! at +the gate was the carriage, Saunders sitting sobbing on the outside, +and David Chapple, Mr. Wortley's man, standing on one leg on the step +talking to her. Near at hand was the gardener from the Manor House, +waiting with his hands full of Miss Arundel's favourite flowers, and +there stood old Betty Lapthorn and her grandchild, Gerald's nurse who +had married, and the old man to whom the children had so often carried +the remains of their dinner; all the school children too, and Grace in +the middle of them, waiting for the last view of Miss Arundel and little +Sir Gerald. + +Mr. Lyddell finished his acknowledgments, and Marian and her brother +received an embrace and good-bye from their friends, David jumped down +and shut the door, Saunders sobbed aloud, there was another good-bye +from each of the Wortleys, and a hearty response from Gerald, Mr. +Lyddell called out, "All right," and away they went. + +On went the carriage, past the Church, with its open door and pealing +bell, the rocky steps up to the Manor House, nestled in the shrubs, the +well known trees, the herds of longhorned, red cattle, the grey stone +cottages, and the women and tiny children at the doors, the ford through +the sparkling shallow brook, the hill with the great limestone quarry, +the kiln so like a castle, the river and its bridge of one narrow, high +pitched, ivy grown arch, the great rod rock, remembered as having been +the limit of papa's last drive, the farm house in the winding valley +beyond, with its sloping orchard and home field, the last building in +the parish. They drove through the little market town, slowly wound up +the heights beyond, looked down into the broad, beautiful space where +the river Exe winds its blue course amid wood, field, and castled hill, +descended, losing sight of the last of the Torrs, glanced at Exeter and +its Cathedral, arrived at the station, and there, while waiting hand in +hand on the platform, gazing at the carriage, and starting at each puff, +snort, cough, and shriek of the engines, Marian and Gerald did indeed +feel themselves severed from the home of their childhood. + +It was not till the afternoon that they left the railroad, and then they +had a two hours' drive through a country which Marian found very unlike +her own: the bleak, bare downs of Wiltshire, low green hills rising +endlessly one after the other, the white road visible far away before +them, the chalk pits white and cold, a few whitey brown ponds now and +then, and at long intervals a farm house, looking as if it had been set +down there by mistake, and did not like it, carts full of chalk, and +flocks of sheep the chief moving objects they met, and not many of them. + +Marian sighed, yawned, and looked at Gerald many a time before they at +length came to a small, very neat-looking town, where the houses stood +far back from the street, and had broad clean pavement in front of them. +"This is Oakworthy," said Mr. Lyddell, and Marian looked with interest. +The church was just outside the town, white, and clean looking, like +everything else, and with a spire. That was all she could see, for they +drove on by the side of a long park wall, enclosing a fir plantation. +The gate of a pretty lodge was thrown back, and they entered upon a +gravelled carriage-road, which, after some windings, led to a large +house, built of white brick, regular and substantial. They stopped under +the portico at the door, and Mr. Lyddell, as he handed Marian out of the +carriage, exclaimed, "Welcome to Oakworthy Park!" + +It seemed to Marian that there was a whole crowd waiting for her in the +hall, and she had received at least three kisses before she had time to +look around her, and perceive that this formidable troop consisted of a +tall, fresh-coloured lady, two girls, and two little boys. Each of +the girls eagerly grasped one of her hands, and drew her into the +drawing-room, exclaiming, "I am glad you are come!" Here were two more +strangers, youths of the age at which their juniors call them men, and +their seniors, boys. They did not trouble the guests with any particular +demonstrations of welcome, only shaking hands with them carelessly, and +after another moment or two Marian found herself sitting on a chair, +very stiffly and upright, while Gerald stood about two feet from her, +afraid of a second accusation of getting into her pocket, looking down, +and twisting the handles of her basket. + +"Lionel, Johnny," said Mrs. Lyddell, "have you nothing to say to your +cousin? Come here, my dear, and tell me, were you very sorry to leave +Fern Torr?" + +Gerald coloured and looked at his sister, who replied by a hesitating, +faltering, "Yes, very." + +"Ah! yes, I see," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you will soon be at home +here. It shall not be my fault or your cousins' if you are not,--eh, +Caroline?" + +"Indeed it shall not," returned Caroline, again taking Marian's hand, +at first pressing it cordially, but letting it go on feeling the limp, +passive fingers, which were too shy and frightened to return the +pressure. + +Mr. Lyddell came in, and while his wife was engaged in speaking to him, +Marian had time to make her observations, for the chilling embarrassment +of her manner had repelled the attentions of her cousins. Though she had +never seen them before, she knew enough about them to be able to fit the +names to the persons she saw before her, and make a few conjectures as +to how she would like them. + +That youth in the odd-looking, rough, shapeless coat, yet with a certain +expensive, fashionable air about the rest of his dress, who stood +leaning against the chimney-piece in a nonchalant attitude, was +her eldest cousin, Elliot Lyddell. The other, a great contrast in +appearance, small, slender, and pale, with near-sighted spectacles +over his weak, light grey eyes, dressed with scrupulous precision and +quietness, who had retreated to the other end of the room and taken up +a book, was Walter. The elder girl, Caroline, was about fifteen, a very +pleasing likeness of her mother, with a brilliant complexion, bright +blue eyes, and a remarkably lively and pleasant smile, which Marian was +so much taken with, that she wished she could have found something to +say, but the dress and air both gave her the appearance of being older +than Agnes, and thus made Marian feel as if she was a great way above +and beyond her. The other sister had a fair, pretty face, much more +childish, with beautiful glossy light hair, and something sweet and +gentle in her expression, and Marian felt warmly towards her because she +was her mother's god-child, and bore the same name. + +The younger boys, Lionel and John, were nice-looking little fellows of +nine and seven. They had drawn towards Walter, gazing all the time at +Gerald, and all parties were rejoiced when Mrs. Lyddell, after a few +more attempts at conversation, proposed to take the guests to their +rooms. + +With a light, quick step, she led the way up two staircases and a long +passage, to a good-sized, comfortable room intended for Marian, while +Gerald's was just opposite. With a civil welcome to Saunders, kind hopes +that Marian would make herself at home, and information that dinner +would he ready at seven, she left the room, and Saunders proceeded with +the young lady's toilette. Gerald stood gazing from the window at the +trees and little glimpse of the town in the distance. He said little, +and seemed rather forlorn till leave was given him to unpack some goods +which he could not easily damage. Just as Marian was dressed, there was +a knock at the door, and without waiting for an answer, Caroline +and Clara entered, the former saying, "I hope you find everything +comfortable: you see we make you quite at home, and stand on no +ceremony." + +It was pleasantly said, but Marian only gave a constrained smile, and +answered, "Thank you," in such an awkward, cold way, that Caroline was +thrown back. Her sister, only conscious of freedom from the restraints +of the drawing-room, began exclaiming in short sentences, "O what a +pretty basket! so you have out your work already! what a lovely pattern! +how quick you have been in dressing! we came to see how you were getting +on. O what is this pretty box? do let me see." + +"A work-box," said Marian, by no means disposed to turn out all the +small treasures it contained for Clara's inspection.--Caroline perceived +this, and said with a little reproof to Clara, + +"You curious child! Perhaps Marian would like to come and see the +schoolroom before going down." + +"Oh, yes," said Clara; "you must come. You have not seen Miss Morley +yet,--our governess,--poor, unfortunate, faithful Morley, as we always +call her." + +This manner of mentioning the governess, and before Saunders too, +greatly surprised Marian, and she felt little inclination to face +another stranger; but she could think of no valid objection, and allowed +herself and Gerald to be conducted down one of the flights of stairs +into a passage less decorated than the rest of the house. Clara threw +open a door, calling out, "Here they are!" and Marian found herself in +the presence of a little, nicely dressed lady, who looked very little +older than Caroline, and had a very good-natured face. Coming forward +with a smile, she said, "Miss Arundel, I believe. I hope you are quite +well, and not tired. Sir Gerald, how d'ye do? We shall be good friends, +I am sure." + +Gerald shook hands, and Marian thought she ought to do so too; but it +had not been her first impulse, and it was too late, so she only made +a stiff bend of head and knee. Clara, happily unconscious of the +embarrassment with which Marian had infected Caroline, went on talking +fast and freely: + +"So, you see, this is the schoolroom. There is Caroline's desk, and here +is mine; and we have made room for you here. I suppose you have a desk. +And here are all our books, and our chiffonniere; Caroline has one side +and I the other. Oh, I must show you my last birthday presents. Ah! +aren't we lucky to have got such a nice view of the terrace and the +portico from here! We can always see the people coming to dinner, and +when the gentlemen go out riding, it is such fun, and--" + +"My dear Clara," interposed Miss Morley, seeing Marian's bewildered +looks, "your cousin is not used to such a chatterbox. I assure you, +Miss Arundel, that Clara has been quite wild for the last week with the +prospect of seeing you. I have actually not known what to do with her." + +Marian gave one of her awkward smiles, and said nothing. + +"You left Devonshire this morning, I think?" said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, we did." + +"Fern Torr is in a very beautiful part of the country, is it not?" + +"Yes, very." + +They were getting on at this rate when Mrs. Lyddell came in, and took +Marian and Gerald down to the drawing-room with her, as it was almost +dinner time. No sooner had the door closed behind them, than governess +and pupils at once exclaimed, "How pale!" "how shy!" "how awkward!" + +"I dare say that is only shyness," said Caroline, "but I must say I +never saw anything so stiff and chilly." + +"Yes, that she is," said Clara, "but it's only shyness; I am sure she is +a dear girl. But how white she is! I thought she would have been pretty, +because they say the Arundels are all so handsome." + +"She has fine eyes," said Miss Motley; "and that dear little Sir Gerald, +I am sure we shall all be in love with him." + +"Well, I hope we may get on better in time," said Caroline, taking up a +book, and settling herself in a most luxurious attitude in spite of the +unaccommodating furniture of the schoolroom. + +Marian recovered a little at dinner, and was not quite so monosyllabic +in her replies. Her netting was a great resource when she went into the +drawing-room after dinner, and she began to feel a little less rigid and +confused, made some progress in acquaintance with Clara, and when she +went to bed was not without hopes of, in time, liking both her and +Caroline very much. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + "A place where others are at home, + But all are strange to me." + + _Lyra Innocentium._ + + +Marian began the next morning by wondering what a Sunday at Oakworthy +would be like, but she was glad the formidable first meeting was over, +and greeted Gerald cheerfully when he came into the room. + +After a few minutes a bell rang, and Marian, thinking it must be for +family prayers, hastened into the passage, wondering at herself for +not having asked last night where she was to go. She was glad to meet +Caroline coming out of her room, and after quickly exchanging a "good +morning," she said, "Was that the bell for prayers?" + +"No, it was for the servants' breakfast," said Caroline "and for ours in +the schoolroom too." + +"But don't you have prayers in the morning?" said Gerald, + +"No," answered Caroline gravely. + +"Why not," the little boy was beginning but Marian pressed his hand +to check him, shocked herself, and sorry for Caroline's sake that the +question had been asked. + +Caroline spoke rather hurriedly, "I wish we could, but you see papa is +out so often, and there are so many people staying here sometimes: and +in London, papa is so late at the House--it is very unlucky, but it +would not do, it is all so irregular." + +"What?" said Clara, hopping down stairs behind them. "O, about prayers! +We have not had any in the school room since Miss Cameron's time." + +"Miss Cameron used to read a chapter and pray with us afterwards," said +Caroline; "but when she was gone, mamma said she did not like the book +she used." + +"Besides, it was three quarters out of her own head, and that wasn't +fair, for she used to go on such a monstrous time," said Clara. + +"Hush, Clara," said her sister, "and mamma has never found a book she +does think quite fit." + +"There's the Prayer Book," said Gerald. + +"O that is only for Church," said Clara, opening the schoolroom door; +"O she is not here! Later than ever. Well, Marian, what do you think of +her?" + +"Of whom?" asked Marian. + +"Of poor unfortunate faithful Morley," said Clara. + +"You call her so after Queen Anne?" + +"Yes," said Caroline, "and you will see how well the name suits her when +you are fully initiated." + +"But does she like it?" + +"Like it?" and Clara fell into a violent fit of laughing, calling out to +Lionel, who just then came in, "Here is Marian asking if we call Miss +Morley 'poor unfortunate' whenever we speak to her." + +"She is coming," said Lionel, and Clara sunk her boisterous laughter +into a titter, evident enough to occasion Miss Morley to ask what +made them so merry, but the only answer she received was from Lionel, +"Something funny," and then both he and Clara burst out again into +laughter, his open, and hers smothered. + +Marian looked amazed. "Ah! you are not used to such ways," said the +governess; "Clara and Lionel are sometimes sad creatures." + +Breakfast took a very long time, and before it was quite over, Mrs. +Lyddell came in, spoke in her rapid, good-natured tone to Marian and +Gerald, and remarked rather sharply to Miss Morley that she thought they +grew later and later every Sunday. Nevertheless, no one went on at all +the faster after she was gone. Miss Morley continued her talk with +Caroline and Clara about some young friends of theirs in London, and +Lionel and Johnny went on playing tricks with their bread and butter, +accompanied by a sort of secret teasing of Clara. Nothing brought them +absolutely to a conclusion till one of the servants appeared in order to +take away the things, and unceremoniously bore away John's last piece of +bread and cup of tea. + +Johnny looked up at the man and made a face at him; Miss Morley shook +her head, and Caroline said, "How can you be so naughty, Johnny? it +serves you quite right, and I only wish it happened every morning." + +"Come, Gerald, and see the ponies," said Lionel. + +"My dears," said Miss Morley, "you know your mamma never likes you to go +out before Church especially to the stables; you only get hot, and you +make us late with waiting for you." + +"Nobody asked you to wait for us," said John. "Come, Gerald." + +"No, I see Sir Gerald is a good little boy, and is coming steadily with +us," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, Gerald, do," said Marian. + +"There will be plenty of time by and by," said Gerald, sitting down +again. + +"O very well," said John. "Well, if you won't, I will; I want to see +Elliot's colt come in from exercising, and he will be sure to be there +himself now." + +Lionel and Johnny ran off, Caroline looked distressed, and went out into +the passage leaving the door open. Walter was coming along it, and as +she met him, she said, "Walter, the boys are off to the stable again; +we shall have just such a fuss as we had last Sunday if you cannot stop +them. Is Elliot there again?" + +"I am afraid he is," said Walter. + +"Then there is no chance!" said Caroline, retreating; but at that moment +Lionel and John came clattering down from their own distant abode at the +top of the house. "Who likes to walk with me through, the plantations to +Church?" said Walter; "I was coming to ask if you liked to show that way +to Gerald." + +Lionel and John, who had a real respect for Walter, thought it best to +keep silence on their disobedient designs, and accept the kind offer. +Gerald gladly joined them, and off they set. Miss Morley, Caroline, and +Clara, had all gone different ways, and Marian remained, leaning her +forehead against the window, thinking what her own dear Sunday-school +class were doing at Fern Torr, and feeling very disconsolate. She had +stood in this manner for some minutes when Clara came to tell her it was +time to prepare for Church, followed her to her room, and contrived to +make more remarks on her dress than Marian could have thought could +possibly have been bestowed on a plain black crape bonnet and mantle. + +Through all the rather long walk, Clara still kept close to her, telling +who every one was, and talking incessantly, till she felt almost +confused, and longed for the quietness of the church. Mr. Lyddell's pew +was a high, square box, curtained round, with a table and a stove, so +that she hardly felt as if she was in church, and she was surprised not +to see Elliot Lyddell there. + +They had to walk quickly back after the service, dine hurriedly, and +then set off again for the afternoon service. Miss Morley sighed, and +said that the second long hot walk almost killed her, and she went so +slowly that the schoolroom party all came in late. They found no one in +the pew but Mrs. Lyndell and Walter, and Marian once more sighed and +wondered. + +On coming home, Miss Morley went in to rest, but as it was now cool and +pleasant, her pupils stayed out a little longer to show the park and +garden. They were very desirous of making the Arundels admire all they +saw, and Lionel and John were continually asking, "Have you anything +like that at Fern Torr?" + +Gerald, jealous for the honor of home, was magnificent in his +descriptions, and unconscious that he was talking rhodomontade. +According to him, his park took in a whole mountain, his house was quite +as large and much handsomer than Mr. Lyddell's, the garden was like the +hanging gardens of Babylon, and greenhouses were never wanted there, for +"all sorts of things" would grow in the open air. His cousins were so +amazed that they would hardly attend to Marian's explanations, and +thought her description of the myrtle, which reached to the top of the +house, as fabulous as his hanging gardens. + +"And, Marian, what do you think of this place?" asked Clara. + +After some pressing, the following reply was extracted:--"It is so shut +in with fir-trees, but I suppose you want them to hide the town, and +there is nothing to see if they were away." + +"O Marian!" said Caroline, "when we showed you the beautiful view over +the high gate." + +"But there was no hill, and no wood, and no water." + +"Did you not see Oakworthy Hill?" + +"That tame green thing!" said Marian. + +"The truth is," said Johnny, "that she likes it the best all the time, +only she won't own it." + +"Nonsense, Johnny," replied Lionel, "every one likes their own +home best, and I like Marian for not pretending to be polite and +nonsensical." + +"And I tell you," said Gerald, "that you never saw anything so good as +my Manor house in your whole life." + +Here they went in, and Marian gently said to Gerald as they came +into her room, "I wish you would not say _my_, Gerald, it seems like +boasting. My park--my house--" + +Gerald hung his head, and the colour came deeply into his cheeks. +"Marian," said he, "you know how I wish it wasn't mine now," and the +tears were in his eyes. "But they boast over me, and they ought not, for +I'm Sir--" + +"Oh! hush, Gerald. You used never to like to hear yourself called so, +because it put you in mind--. Yes, I know they boast; but this is not +the way to stop them, it only makes them go on; and what does it signify +to you? it does not make this place really better than home." + +"Yes, but I want them to know it." + +"But you should not want to set yourself up above them. If you don't +answer, and, let them say what nonsense they please, it would be the +best way, and the right way, and so you would humble yourself, which is +what we must all do Gerald." + +Gerald was silenced, but looked dissatisfied; however, there was no +more time to talk, for Clara came to say that tea was almost ready, and +Marian rang for Saunders. Gerald looked as if he was meditating when +first they sat down to tea, and after some little time he abruptly +began, "I don't like your church at all. It is just like a room, and +nobody makes any noise." + +"Nobody makes any noise," repeated Caroline, smiling; "is that Fern Torr +fashion?" + +"I do not mean exactly a noise," said Gerald, "but people read their +verse of the psalm, and say Amen, and all that, quite loud. They don't +leave it all to the clerk in his odd voice." + +Lionel mimicked the clerk so drolly, that in spite of "Don't, my dear," +and "O! Lionel," nobody could help laughing; and Johnny added an +imitation of the clerk at their church in London. After the mirth was +over, Gerald went on, "Why does not every one say Amen here?" + +"Like so many charity children," said Lionel, with a nasal drawl. + +"No, indeed!" cried Gerald, indignantly; "Edmund does it, and +everybody." + +"Everybody! as if you could tell, who never went to church in your life, +except at that little poky place," said Johnny, + +Gerald's colour rose, but Marian's eye met his, and he remembered what +she had said, and answered quietly, "I don't know whether Fern Torr is +poky, but it is a place where people are taught to behave well." + +"Capital, Gerald, excellent!" cried Caroline, laughing heartily, "that +is a hit, Lionel, for you!" while Gerald looked round him, amazed at the +applause with which his speech, made in all simplicity, was received. + +As soon as tea was over, Miss Morley called Lionel and John to repeat +the Catechism, and added doubtfully, "Perhaps Sir Gerald would rather +wait for next Sunday." + +"O no, thank you," said Marian, "we always say it." + +"You need not, Marian," said Caroline, "we never do, only it would be so +troublesome for the boys to have to learn it at school." + +"I should like to say it if Miss Morley has no objection," said Marian. + +"Oh! yes, certainly," was the answer. "See, Lionel, there is an example +for you." + +Marian and Gerald stood upright, with their hands behind them, just as +they had stood every Sunday since they could speak; Lionel was astride +on the music stool, spinning round and round, and Johnny balancing +himself with one leg on the floor, and one hand on the window sill. When +the first question was asked, the grave voice that replied, "Edmund +Gerald," was drowned in a loud shout-- + + "Jack Lyddell, Jack Lyddell, + Shall play on the fiddle"-- + +evidently an old worn out joke, brought to life again in the hope of +making the grave cousins laugh, instead of which they stood aghast. Miss +Morley only said imploringly, "Now, Johnny, my dear boy, _do_," and +proceeded to the next question. Throughout the two boys were careless +and painfully irreverent, and the governess, annoyed and ashamed, +hurried on as fast as she could, in order to put an end to the +unpleasant scene. When it was over she greatly admired the correctness +of Gerald's answers, seeming to think it extraordinary that he should +not have made a single mistake; whereas Marian would have been surprised +if he had. Gerald whispered to his sister as they went down to the +drawing-room, "Would it not be fun to see what Mr. Wortley would say to +Lionel and Johnny, if he had them in his class?" + +On Monday, Marian and Gerald began to fall into the habits of the place, +and to learn the ways of their cousins, though it was many years before +they could be said really to understand them. + +Of their guardian himself, they found they should see very little, for +their four schoolroom companions, his own children, had but little +intercourse with him. Sometimes, indeed, Johnny, who enjoyed the +privileges of the youngest, would make a descent upon him, and obtain +some pleasure or some present, or at least a game of play; and sometimes +Lionel fell into great disgrace, and was brought to him for reproof, but +Caroline and Clara only saw him now and then in the evening, and never +seemed to look to him as the friend and approver that Marian thought all +fathers were. As to Miss Morley, she had only spoken twice to him since +she had been in the house. + +Mrs. Lyddell seemed supreme in everything at home. She was quick, +active, and clever, an excellent manager, nor was she otherwise than +very kind in word and deed; and Marian could by no means understand the +cause of the mixture of dread and repugnance with which she regarded +her. Perhaps it was, that though not harsh, her manner wanted +gentleness; her tones were not soft, and she would cut off answers +before they were half finished. Her bright, clear, cold, blue eye had +little of sympathy in it, and every look and tone showed that she +expected implicit obedience, to commands, which were far from unpleasant +in themselves, though rendered ungracious by the want of softness and +mildness with which they were given. Marian often wondered, apart from +the principle, how her cousins, and even Miss Morley, could venture to +disregard orders given in that decided manner; but she soon perceived +that they trusted to Mrs. Lyddell's multifarious occupations, which kept +her from knowing all their proceedings with exactness, and left them a +good deal at liberty. + +Marian was disposed to like Miss Morley, with her gentle voice and kind +manner, but she was much surprised at her letting things go on among her +pupils, which she must have known to be wrong in themselves, as well as +against express commands of Mrs. Lyddell. Once or twice when she heard +her talking to Clara, she said to herself, "Would not mamma say that was +silly?" but at any rate it was a great thing to have a person of whom +she was not in the least shy or afraid, and who set her quite at her +ease in the schoolroom. + +The first business on Monday morning, after the little boys had gone off +for two hours to a tutor, was an examination into Marian's attainments, +beginning with French and Italian reading and translation, in which she +acquitted herself very well till Mrs. Lyddell came in, and put her in +such a state of trepidation that she no longer knew what she was about. +In truth, Marian's education had been rather irregular in consequence +of her father's illness, and its effect had been to give her a general +cultivation of mind, and appreciation of excellence, to train her to do +her best, and fed an eagerness for information, but without instructing +her in that routine of knowledge for which Mrs. Lyddell and Miss Morley +looked. She was not ready in answering questions, even upon what she +knew perfectly well; she had no tables of names and dates at finger's +ends, and when she saw that every one thought her backward and ignorant, +the feeling that she was not doing justice to her mamma's teaching added +to her confusion, her mistakes and puzzles increased, and at last she +was almost ready to cry. At that moment Caroline said, "Mamma, you have +not seen Marian's drawings yet. Do fetch them, Marian." + +The drawings served in some degree to save Marian in the opinion; at +least, of Miss Morley: for an artist-like hand and eye were almost an +inheritance in the Arundel family, and teaching her had been a great +amusement to Sir Edmund. Miss Morley and Caroline thought her drawings +wonderful; but Mrs. Lyddell, who had never learnt to draw, was, as +Marian quickly perceived, unable to distinguish the merits from the +faults, and was only commending them in order to reassure her. Her music +was the next subject of inquiry, and here again she did not shine, for +practising had been out of the question during the last two years of her +father's life; but as she could not bear to offer this as an excuse, +she only said she knew she could hardly play at all, but she hoped to +improve. To her great relief, Mrs. Lyddell did not stay to listen to +her performance, but went away, leaving her to Miss Morley, who found +something to commend in her taste and touch. + +When the business of learning actually commenced, Marian grew more +prosperous; for she had the good custom of giving her whole attention, +and learnt therefore fast and correctly. Her exercise was very well +done; her arithmetic, in which Edmund had helped her, was almost beyond +Miss Morley's knowledge; and she was quite at home in the history they +were reading aloud. Moreover, when they came to talk of what they had +read, it proved that Marian was well acquainted with many books which +were still only names to Caroline; and when Gerald came in with his +books, his reference to her showed that she knew as much Latin as he +did. + +They dined in the schoolroom at half-past one, then took a walk on the +long, dull, white road, and came back at a little past four; after which +the girls had each to practise for an hour, to look over some lessons +for the next day, and to dress; but all the rest of their time was at +their own disposal. There was to be a dinner-party that evening, and +Clara advised her not to dress till after tea. "For we don't go down +till after dinner," said she, "and I don't like to miss seeing the +people come. Gerald, you had better get ready, though, for you boys +always go down before." + +"Must I?" said Gerald. + +"O yes, that we must!" said Lionel; "and you will see how Johnny there +likes to be petted by all the old ladies, and called their pretty dear." + +Johnny rushed upon his brother, and there was a skirmish between them, +during which Miss Morley vainly exclaimed by turns, "Now Lionel!" and +"Now Johnny!" It ended by John's beginning to cry, Lionel laughing +at him, and declaring that he had done nothing to hurt him, and both +walking off rather sullenly to dress for the evening. Gerald was bent on +the same errand; and no sooner was he gone than Miss Morley, Caroline, +and Clara all broke out into loud praises of him. He was so docile, he +shut the door so gently, he seemed so very clever. He had quite won Miss +Morley's heart by running back to the schoolroom to fetch her parasol +for her when she found she had left it behind; Caroline admired him for +being so merry and playful without rudeness, and Clara chimed in with +them both. All expressed wonder at not finding him a spoiled child; and +this, though the praises gratified Marian greatly, rather offended her +in her secret soul; and she wondered too that Caroline and Clara seemed +disposed to make the very worst of their own little brothers, so as to +set off Gerald's perfections by force of contrast. + +Mrs. Lyddell came in while they were still talking. She was beautifully +dressed, and looked very handsome, and, in Marian's eyes, very +formidable; but she sat down and joined heartily in the praises of +Gerald, till Marian thought, "What could they have expected poor Gerald +to be, if they are so amazed at finding him the dear good little fellow +he is!" It was in fact true that he was an agreeable surprise, for as +an only son--a great treasure--and coming so early to his title, he +was exactly the child whom all would have presumed most likely to be +spoiled; and his ready obedience struck the Lyddells as no less unusual +than those habits in which he had been trained, in consequence of the +necessity of stillness during Sir Edmund's long illness. It was more +natural to him to shut the door quietly than to bang it, to speak than +to shout, and to amuse himself tranquilly in the house than to make a +great uproar. He was courteous, too, and obliging; and though Lionel and +Johnny were in consequence inclined to regard him as a "carpet knight so +trim," the ladies fully appreciated these good qualities. Mrs. Lyddell +perhaps made the more of her satisfaction, because she was conscious of +not liking his sister's stiff, formal, frightened manners. + +Mrs. Lyddell waited till the boys came from dressing, and took them all +three down with her. Clara sat down in the window-seat to watch the +arrivals, as soon as she had recovered from her amazement at hearing +that Marian had not been in a house with a dinner-party since Gerald was +born. "Is it possible!" she went on saying, and then bursting into a +laugh, till Caroline said sharply, "How can you be so silly, Clara! you +know the reason perfectly well." + +"But it is so odd," continued Clara. "Why, we are never a week without a +party, and sometimes two!" + +"Hush," said Caroline, "or I shall never finish my Italian." + +The little boys came up to tea; Gerald would not make much answer when +Clara asked if the ladies had talked to him, but Johnny looked cross, +and Lionel reported "it was because his nose was put out of joint." +Coming up to Marian, to whom he seemed to have taken a fancy, Lionel +further explained confidentially how all the ladies made a fuss with +Johnny, and admired his yellow curls, and called him the rose-bud, and +all sorts of stuff; and how Johnny liked to go down in his fine crimson +velvet, and show off, and have all his nonsense praised, "And the pretty +dear is so jealous," said Lionel, "that he can't bear any one to say one +word to poor me--oh no!" + +"Why, do you wish for them to do so?" said Marian. + +"Oh no, not I--I never did; and I'm glad I'm grown too big and ugly for +them. I always get as near Elliot as I can and try to hear if they are +saying any thing about the hunt; and the ladies never trouble their +heads about what is good for any thing, so they never talk to me." + +"That is no great compliment to Gerald," said Marian. + +"Ah! you'll soon see. If there is any fun in him, they will soon cast +him off; but now he is new, and he has not found them out yet, and they +_do_ dearly like to say Sir Gerald; so Johnny is regularly thrown out, +and that is what makes him look sulky." + +"Well, but it is using him very ill to desert him for Gerald," said +Marian. + +"Oh, they won't desert him. They like mamma's good dinners too well for +that; only Johnny can't bear any one else to be taken notice of. Trust +the county member's son for their making much of him." + +"But that applies to you too, Lionel." + +"Ay, and I could soon get their civility if I cared for it," said Lionel +grandly. "But I know well enough what it is worth. Why, there is Walter, +who is the best of us all--nobody cares one straw for him, except +Caroline and--" + +"And you?" asked Marian. + +"Why--why--yes, if he was not so much of a parson already." + +"Oh, Lionel!" said Marian, shocked; and he turned it rather hastily into +"I mean, he is not up to any thing; he does not shoot, and he does not +care for dogs, or horses; nothing but books for ever." + +A summons to the tea-table put an end to Lionel's communications, which +had so amazed Marian that she could do nothing but ponder on them all +the time that Clara would leave her in quiet. + +The going into the drawing-room was to her a most awful affair; and +Saunders seemed to be very anxious about it, brushing and settling her +hair, and arranging the plain black frock, as if she would never have +done; seeming, too, not a little worried by Clara, who chose to look on +at all her proceedings. At last it was over Marian wished Gerald good +night, and descended with her two cousins and Miss Morley. Caroline +and Clara were in blue, Miss Morley in white; and as they entered just +opposite to a long pier glass, Marian thought that with her white face, +straight dark hair, and deep mourning dress, she looked like a blot +between them, and wished to shrink out of sight, instead of being +conspicuous in blackness. + +The ladies came in a few minutes after, and Caroline and Clara went +forward, shaking hands, smiling, and replying in a way which was by no +means forward, and with ease that to Marian was marvellous. If people +would but be kind enough not to look at her! But Mrs. Lyddell was a +great deal too civil for that too come to pass, and presently Marian was +called and introduced to two ladies. She was seated between them, and +they began talking to her in a patronising manner; telling her they +remembered her dear mamma at her age; saying that they had seen her +brother, and congratulating her on having two such delightful companions +as the Miss Lyddells. Then they asked about Devonshire; and as Marian's +cold short replies let every subject fall to the ground in a moment, +they proceeded to inquire whether she could play. Truth required her to +confess that she could, a very little; and then they begged to hear her. +Poor Marian! this was too much. She felt as if she was in a horrible +mist, and drawing up her head as she always did in embarrassment, she +repeated, "Indeed, indeed I cannot!" protestations which her tormentors +would not believe, and which grew every moment more ungracious, as, to +augment her distress, she saw that Mrs. Lyddell was observing her. At +the moment when she was looking most upright and rigid, Caroline came to +her relief. The same request had just been made to her, and she came to +propose to Marian to join in the one thing she knew she could play--a +duet which she had that morning been practising with Clara. It was very +kind, and Marian knew it; for Caroline had said that she never liked +that duet, and was heartily tired of it; but all the acknowledgement her +strange bashfulness would allow her to make was a grateful look, and a +whisper, "Oh, thank you!" + +Afterwards one of the young lively visitors sang, and Marian, who had +never heard much music, was quite delighted; her stiff company-face +relaxed, a tear came to her eyes, and she sat with parted lips, +forgetting all her fears and all the party till the singing was over, +and Caroline touched her, and told her it was bed-time. Marian wondered +to see how well Caroline and Clara managed to escape without being +observed; but she marvelled at their going to bed so much as if it was a +thing of course to have no "good night" from father or mother. When they +were outside the door, in the hall, Marian, her heart still full of the +music, could not help exclaiming, "How beautiful!" + +"What? Miss Bernard's singing?" said Clara. "I declare, Caroline, Marian +was very nearly crying! I saw you were, Marian." + +"She does sing very nicely," said Caroline, "but that song does not suit +her voice. It is too high." + +"And she makes faces," said Clara, "she strains her throat; and she has +such great fingers--I could never cry at Miss Bernard's singing, I am +sure." + +Marian did not like this. "Good night," said she, abruptly. + +"You are not vexed, are you?" said Clara, kindly. "I did not think you +would mind my noticing your crying. Don't be angry, Marian." + +"Oh, no, I am not at all angry," said Marian, trying to speak with ease, +but she did not succeed well. Her "good nights," had in them a tone as +if she was annoyed, as in fact she was; though not at all in the way +Clara supposed. She did not care for the notice of her tears, but she +said to herself, "This is what Edmund calls destroying the illusion. If +they would but have let me go to bed with the spell of that song resting +on me!" + +She sighed with a feeling of relief and yet of weariness as she came +into her own room, and found Saunders there. Saunders looked rather +melancholy, but said nothing for the first two or three minutes; then as +she combed Marian's hair straight over her face, she began, "I hope you +enjoyed yourself, Miss Marian?" + +"Oh, Saunders," said Marian, "I'm very tired; I don't think I shall ever +enjoy myself anywhere but at home." + +"Ah--hem--ah," coughed Saunders, solemnly; then, after waiting for some +observation from Marian, and hearing only a long yawn and a sigh, she +went on. "Prettily different is this place from home." + +"Indeed it is," said Marian, from her heart. + +"Such finery as I never thought to see below stairs, Miss Marian. I am +sure the Manor House was a pattern to all the country round for comfort +for the servants, and I should know something about it; but here--such +a number of them, such eating and drinking all day long, and the very +kitchen maids in such bonnets and flowers on Sundays, as would perfectly +have shocked Mrs. White. And they are so ignorant. Fancy, Miss Marian, +that fine gentleman the butler declaring he could not understand me, and +that I spoke with a foreign accent! I speak French indeed!" + +"But, Saunders," said Marian, rather diverted, "you do speak Devonshire +a little." + +"Well, Miss Marian, perhaps I may; I only know 'tisn't for them to +boast, for they speak so funny I can't hardly make them out; and with +my own ears I have heard that same Mr. Perkins himself calling you Miss +Harundel. But that is not all. Why, not half of them ever go to church +on a Sunday; and as to Mrs. Mitten, the housekeeper, not a bit does she +care whether they do or not; and no wonder, when Mr. Lyddell himself +never goes in the afternoon, and has gentlemen to speak to him. And then +down at the stables--'tis a pretty set of drinking, good-for-nothing +fellows there. I hope from my heart Sir Gerald won't be for getting down +there among them; but they say Master Lionel and Master John are always +there. And that Mr. Elliot--" + +In this manner Saunders discoursed all the while she was putting Marian +to bed. Both she and her young lady wore doing what had much better have +been let alone. Saunders had no business to carry complaints and gossip, +Marian ought not to have listened to them; but the truth was that +Saunders was an old attached confidential servant, who had come to +Oakworthy, more because she could not bear to let her young master and +mistress go entirely alone and unfriended among strangers, than because +it would be prudent to save a little more before becoming Mrs. David +Chapple. Fern Torr was absolute perfection in her eyes; and had the +household at Oakworthy been of superior excellence, she would have found +fault with everything in which it differed from the Manor House. Her +heart was full; and to Miss Marian, her young lady, a Fern Torrite, a +Devonian like herself, she must needs pour it out, where she had no +other friend. On the other hand, Saunders was still in Marian's eyes a +superior person--an authority--one whom she could never dream of keeping +in order, or restraining; and here a friend, a counsellor, the only +person, except Gerald, who had known the dear home. + +So a foundation was laid for confidences from Saunders, which were not +likely to improve Marian's contentment. When she had bidden her maid +good night, and sat thinking before she knelt down to say her prayers, +she felt bewildered; her head seemed giddy with the strangeness of this +new world; she knew not what in it was right and what was wrong; all +that she knew was, that she felt lonely and dreary, and as if it could +never be home. Her heart seemed to reach out for her mother's embrace +and support, and then Marian sank down on her knees, rested her face on +her arms, and while the tears began to flow, she murmured, "OUR FATHER, +Which art in heaven." + +Soon after, her weary head was on her pillow, and the dim grey light of +the summer night showed the quiet peace and calmness that had settled on +her sleeping face. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + "That is not home where, day by day, + I wear the busy hours away." + + +In a short time, Marian had settled into her place at Oak Worthy, lost +some part of her shyness towards the inhabitants, and arrived at the +terms which seemed likely to continue between her and her cousins. + +There was much that was very excellent about Caroline Lyddell; she had +warm feeling, an amiable and obliging disposition, and great sweetness +of temper; and when first Marian arrived she intended to do all in her +power to make her at home, and be like a sister to her. But she did not +understand reserve; and before Marian had got over her first shyness +and awkwardness, Caroline felt herself repulsed, and ceased to make +demonstrations of affection which met with no better response. Marian +made none on her side; and so the two cousins remained very obliging and +courteous to each other, but nothing more. + +Clara had begun by making herself Marian's inseparable companion in +rather a teasing manner, caressing her continually, and always wanting +to do whatever she was doing; but as novelty was the great charm +in Clara's eyes, and as she met with no very warm return to her +endearments, all this soon wore off; and though she always came to +Marian whenever she had any bit of news to tell,--though she often +confided to her little complaints of the boys or Miss Morley,--this was +no great compliment, for she would have done the same to anything that +had ears. Her talk was no longer, as it had been at first, exclusively +for Marian; and this wag rather a relief, for it was not at all like the +talk Marian was used to with Agnes or with Edmund. + +Young and unformed as Marian was, it would be hard to believe how much, +without knowing it, she missed the intercourse with superior minds, to +which she had been accustomed. It was just as her eye was dissatisfied +with the round green chalk hills, instead of the rocks and streams of +her own dear home; or as she felt weary of the straight, formal walks +she now took, instead of her dear old rambles, + + "Over bank and over brae, + Where the copsewood is the greenest, + Where the fountain glistens sheenest, + Where the lady-fern grows strongest, + Where the morning dew lies longest." + +Edmund's high spirits, Agnes' playful glee,--how delightful they were! +and though Marian often laughed now, it was not as she had laughed at +home. Then, too, she grew shy of making remarks, or asking questions, +when Clara had nothing to say but "How odd!" or Miss Morley would give +some matter-of-fact answer, generally either quite beside the point, or +else what Marian know before. Caroline understood what she meant, and +would take up the subject, but not always in a satisfactory manner; for +she and Marian always seemed to have quite opposite ways of viewing +every thing. Each felt that the other had more serious thoughts and +principles than most of those around them, but yet their likings and +dislikings were very different in the matter of books. "Anna Ross" was +almost the only one of Caroline's favourites that Marian cordially +liked; and this, as Caroline suspected, might he owing to a certain +analogy between Anna's situation and her own, by no means flattering to +the Lyddell family. It was wonderful how many were the disparities +of tastes, views, and opinions between them; but the root of these +differences seemed undiscoverable, since Marian would not or could not +argue, replied to all objections with a dry, short, "I don't know," and +adhered unalterably to her own way of thinking. + +Miss Morley settled the matter by pronouncing that Sir Edmund and Lady +Arundel must have been very narrow-minded people; and this judgment was +so admired by Caroline and Clara, that it was sure to be brought forward +as conclusive, whenever Marian was the subject of conversation. At last +Lionel broke in one day, "Stuff! Marian is a good, sensible, downright +girl, and it is my belief that all that you mean by narrow-mindedness is +that she cares for what is right, and nothing else." + +"How much you know about it, Lionel!" said Clara, laughing; but Caroline +answered in earnest, "There is reason in what you say, Lionel--Marian +does care for what is right; but the question is, whether her views of +it are not narrow?" + +"The narrower the better, say I," said Lionel, as he plaited his +whip-lash. + +"Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, that leadeth unto life," +came into Caroline's head, and she stood thoughtful. Clara exclaimed, +"Well done, Lionel! I wonder what he'll say next to defend his dear +Marian." + +"I know what I mean well enough," said Lionel. "I suppose you call it +being broad-minded to trace your drawings through against the window, +when mamma goes on telling you not. Better have her narrow mind, say I." + +"Then why don't you," said Clara, "instead of going down to the stables +for ever with that man of Elliot's that mamma said you were never to +speak to?" + +Lionel whisked his whip-lash before Clara's eyes, so as to make her +wink. "I did not say I was good myself;" said he; "I said Marian was." +And he ran out of the room. + +Clara laughed at Lionel's admiration of Marian, which had begun to be +a joke in the schoolroom; but Caroline, as she practised her music, +thought a good deal over the conversation. "Is a narrow mind really a +fear of doing wrong?" was a question she asked herself several +times; and then she thought of all the things she had heard called +narrow-minded and scrupulous in Marian or others, but she soon found +herself lost in a mist, and wished she could talk it over with her +former governess, Miss Cameron. As to what Lionel had said about the +drawing, she was conscious she was very wrong; her mamma had called it +an idle practice to trace the outline through against the glass, and +had forbidden it; but a difficulty had soon brought her back to the +window-pane, exclaiming, "Just for this one thing, I am sure mamma would +not object." + +"If Miss Cameron had been here, it would not have happened," said +Caroline to herself with a sigh, and for a few days she kept away from +the window; but another difficulty occurred, again she yielded to the +temptation, and whoa she heard her mother's step in the passage, hurried +back to her desk with guilty precipitation. A few days after, Clara was +actually caught in the fact by Mrs. Lyddell, and then Miss Morley began +making an excuse, evidently quite as much out of kindness to herself as +to her pupil. Marian looked up in surprise, with a wondering, inquiring +expression in her eyes. They were cast down the instant the governess +turned towards her; but Miss Morley always felt abashed, by meeting that +look of astonishment, which awoke in her a sensation of self-reproach +such as she had seldom known before. + +Miss Morley was a little afraid of Marian's eyes, though not of her in +any other respect; nor did she like her much better than Caroline did, +though she gave her much less trouble than any of her other pupils, +except Caroline. Those questions and observations puzzled her, and she +thought the poor child had been reading books beyond her years--it was +such a great disadvantage to be an only daughter. Besides, she really +believed Marian Arundel had no affection for any one,--no warmth of +feeling; she would ten times prefer a less diligent and more troublesome +pupil, in whom she could take some interest, and who showed some +affection, to one so steady and correct in behaviour, without the frank +openness of heart which was so delightful. To make up, however, for this +general want of liking for poor Marian, on the other hand, every one was +fond of Gerald. His behaviour in the schoolroom was so very nice and +good, and out of doors his climbing, running, and riding were no less +admired by his contemporaries. Now and then, indeed, a dispute arose +between him and the other two boys, when Gerald criticised, and declared +that "Edmund and everybody" thought as he did; or when he would try to +outdo the sporting exploits reported of Elliot, by Edmund's shooting at +Fern Torr. One day there was a very serious quarrel, Gerald having +taken up the cause of an unfortunate frog, which Lionel and Johnny were +proposing to hunt, by rolling their marbles at it. + +Gerald declared they should not, that frogs were harmless, innocent +creatures, and that Edmund and everybody liked them. This only made +Lionel and Johnny more determined; partly from the absurdity of Gerald's +appeal, and partly for the sake of mischief; and Gerald was overpowered, +unable to save his protege, and obliged to witness its cruel death. He +burst into tears, and then, came the accusation of crying for a frog. +Poor little boy, he burst away from his tormentors, and never stopped +till, he was safe in his sister's room pouring out his grief to her +and Saunders (for it was her dressing-time), and comforted by their +sympathising horror and pity. + +Saunders said it gave her a turn, and Marian's feelings were much of the +same nature. She could not have thought it of Lionel. He was, indeed, +reckless and unruly; by reputation _the_ naughty one of the set; but +Marian had often thought that much of Johnny's misbehaviour was unjustly +charged on him, and there was an honesty about him, together with a +cordiality towards herself, which made her like him. And that he should +have been wantonly cruel! + +She comforted Gerald as well as she could, and they went back to the +schoolroom together. Lionel, as he often did, brought her a knot in a +piece of string to be untied; she felt almost ready to shrink from him, +as capable of such a deed, and gave it back to him after untying it, +without a word. Lionel stood leaning against the shutter looking at her +for some minutes, while she fetched her books, and sat down to learn her +lessons. Tea came in; and while there was something of a bustle, and all +the others were talking, and engaged in different ways, Lionel crossed +over to her and said in a low voice, "So Gerald has made you angry with +me?" + +"No; but Lionel, I could not have thought you would have done such a +thing." + +"'Twas only a frog," said Lionel; "besides, I only did it to tease +Gerald." + +"I do not see that that makes it any better," said Marian, gravely. + +"Why, Gerald was so ridiculous, to say Edmund and everybody liked frogs; +but I didn't--I only mean that, if he had not made a fuss, I would never +have hurt the frog, and I did not mean to kill it as it was; so never +mind, Marian. I'll tell you what, Marian," added he, sinking his voice, +"I'd rather Caroline and Clara, and poor unfortunate into the bargain, +scolded me till they were black in the face, than that you looked at me +as you did just now." + +"Did I?" said Marian, rather alarmed. "I am sure I did not know I looked +anyhow." + +"Didn't you, though? It is just the way you look at poor unfortunate +when she sports her humbug." + +"Hush, Lionel! this will never do. You know you ought not to talk in +that way," said Marian, rising to put an end to the conversation. + +"But we have made it up?" said Lionel, holding her dress. + +"Yes, yes," said Marian hastily, and with full forgiveness in look +and tone. As she took her place at the tea-table, she wondered within +herself what was the matter with her eyes to cause such remarks, and +still more why she could not help liking Lionel so much the best of her +cousins, in spite of all the naughtiness of word and deed, which shocked +her so much. + +The nest day she was walking in the garden with Clara, when Gerald came +running up, with an entreaty that she would come and have a game at +cricket with him and Lionel. Clara exclaimed, laughed, and stared in +amazement. + +"She plays famously," said Gerald; "she, and Agnes, and I, beat all the +other Wortleys one day last summer. Come, Marian, don't say no; we have +not had a game for a very long time." + +"Who is playing?" asked Marian. + +"Only Lionel and me; Johnny is out with Mrs. Lyddell Come, we want you +very much indeed; there's a good girl." + +To Clara's astonishment and Lionel's admiration, Marian complied; and +though, of course, no great cricketer, her skill was sufficient to +make her a prodigy in their eyes. But the game was brought to a sudden +conclusion by Miss Morley, who, seeing them from the window, came out +very much shocked, and gave the girls a lecture on decorum, which Marian +felt almost as an insult. + +When they went in, Gerald told Saunders the whole adventure; and she, +who at Fern Torr had been inclined to the same opinion as Miss Morley, +and had often sighed and declared it to be unlike young ladies when +Marian and Agnes had played, now agreed with him that it was very hard +on Miss Marian not to have a little exercise, lamented that she should +always be cooped up in the schoolroom, and declared that there could be +no harm in playing with such a little boy as Master Lionel. + +The most unpleasant result was, that Miss Morley and the cousins took an +impression that Agnes Wortley must be a vulgar romp, and were inclined +to think her an unsuitable friend for Marian. Their curiosity was +excited by the frequent letters between the two friends. Marian always +read those which she received with the utmost eagerness, hardly ever +telling any part of their contents, but keeping them to be enjoyed with +Gerald in her own room; and half her leisure moments were employed in +filling fat, black-edged envelopes, which were sent off at least as +often as once a week. + +"I wonder what she says about us!" said Clara, one day. + +"I don't think it would suit you," said Caroline; "I should not think +she painted us _couleur de rose_." + +"Except Lionel," said Clara, "if their admiration is mutual. But, by the +by, Miss Morley, why do you not desire to see her letters? You always +look at mine." + +"She is not quite in the same situation," said Miss Morley. + +"But could not you?" continued Clara. "It would be very entertaining +only to look for once." + +"And I think it would be only proper," said Caroline. "Who knows what +she may say of us to these dear friends of hers?" + +The subject was not allowed to drop; the girls' curiosity led them to +find numerous reasons why their cousin's correspondence should not pass +without examination, and Miss Morley found she must either endure their +importunity, or yield to it. She was driven to choose the part of the +oppressor; and one day, when Clara had been tormenting her more than +usual, she addressed Marian, who was folding up a letter. "I think," +said she, speaking in a timid, deprecating tone--"I think, Marian, if +you please, it might be as well, perhaps, if I were sometimes to look +over your letters; it has always been the custom here." + +Then; was no encouragement to proceed in the look of blank amazement +with which Marian replied, "Edmund Arundel and Mr. Lyddell both approve +of my writing to Agnes Wortley." + +"Ah!" interposed Clara; "but did they mean that your letters should +never be looked over?" + +"I heard nothing about it," said Marian. + +"Miss Cameron always looked over mine," said Caroline. + +"I will ask Mr. Lyddell himself as soon as he comes home," said Marian, +determinedly. + +There was a pause, but Caroline and Clara did not look satisfied. Miss +Morley knew they would leave her no peace if she desisted, and she went +on,--"I wish I could sometimes see a proof of willingness to yield." + +Marian was out of patience, and putting her letter into the desk, locked +it up; and Caroline laughingly remarked, "Really, there must be some +treason in that letter!" If the observation had been taken as it was +meant, all would have been well; but Marian bit her lip with an air that +convinced the sisters that Caroline had hit the mark; and their glances +stimulated Miss Morley to say, as decidedly as she could, "Marian, your +present conduct convinces me that it is desirable that I should see that +letter." + +Marian's dark eyes gave one indignant flash, as she proudly drew up her +head, opened her desk, laid her letter on the table before Miss Morley, +and slowly walked out of the room; but as soon as she had shut the door, +she ran at full speed along the passage to her own room, where, throwing +herself on the bed, she gave way to a fit of violent weeping, and sobs +which shook her whole frame. Proud, passionate feelings at first almost +choked her, and soon these were followed by a flood of the bitter tears +of loneliness and bereavement. "Who would have dared insult her thus, +had her father and mother been living?" and for a minute her agony for +their loss was more intense than it had ever been. Gradually, "the +turbid waters brightening as they ran," became soothing, as she dwelt on +the sweet, holy memory of her parents, and wholesome as she mourned over +her fit of pride and anger. But for what were they accountable, whose +selfish weakness and thoughtless curiosity had caused the orphan's tears +to flow? + +Caroline had not seen those flashing eyes without an instant perception +of the injustice of the accusation. Her half-jesting speech had led +the matter much further than she had intended; and alarmed at the +consequences, she ran after her cousin to entreat her pardon; but +Marian, unconscious of all save the tumult within herself, hurried on +too fast to be overtaken, and just as Caroline reached her door, had +shut it fast, and drawn the bolt, and a gentle knock and low call of +"Marian, dear Marian," were lost in the first burst of sobs. Caroline, +baffled and offended, turned away with feelings even more painful than +hers; and too proud to repeat the call, walked up and down, waiting till +the door should be opened, to assure her cousin that nothing should +induce her to touch the letter, and to beg her forgiveness; but as +minutes passed away in silence, she grew tired of waiting, thought +Marian sullen and passionate, and at length, returned to the schoolroom. +As soon as she entered, Clara exclaimed, "O Caroline, only think, how +odd--" + +"I don't want to hear anything about it," said Caroline, sitting down to +the piano; "I wish we had never thought of it." + +She began, playing with all her might, but gradually she abated her +vehemence, as she caught a few sounds of a conversation between Clara +and Miss Morley. At last she turned round, asking, "What? who is his +godfather?" + +"Mr. Arundel, 'Edmund and every body,' you know," answered Clara. "I +never heard anything like it. Only fancy his hearing that boy say his +catechism!" + +"What? I don't understand," said Caroline; "Mr. Arundel and Gerald! +Nonsense! He can't be his godfather. Mamma said he was only +four-and-twenty, and Gerald is almost nine." + +"Here is Marian's authority for it," said Clara; "and certainly those +Arundels are a curious family." + +"Mr. Arundel is the next heir, is he not?" inquired Miss Morley. + +"Yes," said Caroline; "I heard mamma telling old Mrs. Graves the whole +story. His father and mother both died when he was very young, and Sir +Edmund brought him up entirely, and every one looked upon him as the +heir till Gerald was born; and a groat disappointment it must have been, +for now he has next to nothing. But they all were just as fond of each +other as before; and it does seem very strange that Sir Edmund should +have made him their guardian, at his age, when there was Lord Marchmont, +who is their cousin, too." + +"I dare say," said Clara, as if a most brilliant thought had struck her, +"I dare say there is a family compact, such as one reads of in books, +that he is to marry Marian." + +"My dear Clara!" said Miss Morley laughing, "How should such a notion +come into your little head?" + +"Now see if it is not so!" said Clara; "I do believe she is in love with +him already, and he is coming to see her." + +"Is he?" cried Caroline, "I am very curious to sec him. Mamma says he is +very handsome, and quite a distinguished looking person. When does he +come?" + +"You had better read," said Clara; "I can tell you that there are +wonderful things in the letter." + +Curiosity again asserted its power, and Caroline yielded. The letter had +been opened, and it would not signify if one more person looked at it. +She took it, and read eagerly and stealthily, starting at every sound. + + "My dear Agnes--I hope you and Jemmy are getting + on well in your solitude without the schoolboys. Tell + Charles, when you write, that a gentleman staying here + caught a trout last week that weighed three pounds, but I + believe that those which are caught in these rivers taste of + mud, and are not nearly so good as our own. I was very + much afraid that Gerald would go to school this summer, + but now Mrs. Lyddell has heard that it was settled that he + should not go till he was ten, and it is arranged for him to + stay till next year, when I hope he will be happier than + Charles was at first. You asked after his drawing, so I + have put in the last scrap I met with, and in case you + should not be able to find out what it is meant for, I must + inform you that it is the dog springing on the young Buecleuch. + The other day he sent Edmund a letter in hieroglyphics, + with pictures instead of nouns, and Edmund answered + it in the same way with funny little clever drawings + throughout. His regiment is going abroad nest spring, he + thinks, to the Cape, but he has promised to come and see us + first, and thinks of going home to see about his things. + Thank Mrs. Wortley for being so kind as to scold me for + not dating my letters. I shall not be likely to forget the + date of this on September 30th, for Mr. Lyddell has just + paid me my first quarter's allowance, and I am frightened + to think how large it is; ten pounds a quarter only for my + dress, and I am to have more when I am seventeen. So + matters can go on more as they used in the parish. Will + you be so kind as to pay this quarter's schooling for Amy + Lapthorn and Honor Weeks and Mary Daw, and find out + what clothes they want, and if Susan Grey has not a new + bonnet, give her one, and a flannel petticoat for old Betty, + and if any body else wants anything else let me know, and + pay up for all the children that dear mamma used to put into + the penny club, and send me word what it comes to, and I + will send the money when Edmund comes to pay his visit. + I suppose the apples are gathered by this time; you cannot + think how I miss the golden and red piles under the trees, + and the droning of the old cyder press. And do those beautiful + Red Admiral butterflies come in the crowds they did + last year to the heaps of apples in our orchard? Do you remember + how we counted five that all came and sat on your + pink frock while we were watching them? + + "Will Mr. Wortley be kind enough to tell me of some + book of questions on the Catechism, more advanced than the + one he gave me? I suppose we ought to go on with the Catechism, + till we are confirmed, and so Gerald and I always go + through a section every Sunday, taking the book by turns, + and he knows our old one perfectly. He is so good and + steady about it that I quite wonder, considering that there + is no authority to keep him up to it, but he is very anxious + to stand a good examination when his godfather comes, and + Edmund is sure to ask hard questions. And Gerald has + never missed since we have been here, getting up in time to + come and read the Psalms with me before breakfast, and + really I think that is exceedingly good of him; but I have + come to the end of my paper, so good-bye. + + "Your affectionate + + "MARIAN C. ARUNDEL." + +Caroline's cheeks glowed as she read, both with shame at her own +proceedings, and with respect for her narrow-minded cousin; but she had +no opportunity for making remarks, for just as she had finished the +letter, and folded it up again, the boys were heard coming in. The first +thing Gerald said was, "So Marian has not sent her letter; I will run +down with it, or it will be too late." + +"It is not sealed," said Clara. + +"Clara looks as if she had been peeping," said Johnny. + +"I should like to see any one peep into Marian's letters," said Gerald, +taking it up, and carrying it away with him. + +Lionel stood with his eyes fixed on Clara. "I do believe it is true +then!" said he, laying hold of Clara's arm; "I have a great mind to say +I'll never speak to you again, Clara. Peeping into people's letters. +Why, you ought to be hooted through the town!" + +The boys looked nearly ready to put the hooting into effect, but Clara +answered angrily, "Peeping! I have been doing no such thing! Don't be so +rude, Lionel." + +"That is humbug," said Lionel; "you have been looking impudently, if you +have not been peeping slyly." + +"Lionel, you are a very naughty boy indeed!" said Clara, almost crying; +"I have done just as Miss Morley and Caroline have been doing; Miss +Morley always looks over----" + +"Let who will do it," said Lionel, "it is an impudent, ungentlemanlike +thing, that you all ought to be ashamed of. I declare papa shall hear of +it." + +"Lionel, do you know what you are saying?" said Caroline. + +"This is sadly naughty!" feebly murmured Miss Morley. + +"Lionel, mamma will be very angry," said Clara. + +"I don't care," said Lionel loudly and vehemently; "I know that you all +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, every one of you. Why, if you +were boys you would never hold up your heads again; but girls can do +anything, and that is the reason they have no shame." + +"Hush! Lionel, dear Lionel!" said Caroline, coming to him persuasively, +but he shook her off: + +"I want none of your _dears_," said he; "ask Marian's pardon, not mine." + +He turned his back, and took up a book. The girls dared say no more to +him; Miss Morley very nearly cried as she thought how impossible it was +for women to manage great boys. She ought to complain of his rudeness, +but the explanation of what gave rise to it was impossible, and so, poor +woman, she thought herself too good-natured. + +Gerald, in the meantime, had gone to his sister's room, where he called +hastily on finding the door fastened. She opened it, and he eagerly +asked what was the matter. + +"Never mind," said Marian; "thank you for remembering my letter. Will +you fetch the sealing wax out of----" + +"Well, but what is the matter?" + +"Nothing that signifies; never mind." + +"But I do mind, I can't bear for you to cry. You know I can't, so don't +begin again," added he, as his affectionate tones made her lip quiver, +and her eyes fill with tears. + +"But, Gerald, pray get the wax, or----. But no, no," added she +hurriedly, "do not, I will not touch it, till----" + +"Till when?" asked Gerald; "I wish you would tell me how they have +been vexing you. I am sure they hare, for they all looked guilty. Poor +Marian!" He put his arm round her neck, and drew her cheek to his. Who +could withstand such a brother? Marian whispered. "Only--but don't make +a fuss--only Miss Morley made me show her my letter." + +He started from her, and broke forth into a torrent of indignation; and +it was not quickly that she succeeded in getting him to listen to her +entreaties that he would not tell any one. + +"What do you mean to do?" said he. "O I will write such a letter to +Edmund, in hopes she will ask to see it. But she won't venture on mine. +Shall I tell Edmund?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you do nothing; pray don't say anything. I will speak +to Mr. Lyddell, for it was he who gave me leave." + +"And I hope he will give poor unfortunate a good rowing. Won't it be +fun?" + +"Now, Gerald, pray don't say such things, or I shall be sorry I told +you. I dare say she thought it was right." + +"Stuff and nonsense! Right indeed! I hope Mr. Lyddell will give it to +her well!" + +"If I may not write without having my letters read, I am sure I shall +never be able to write at all!" + +"And when shall you speak? Luckily there is no company to-night, and I +hope I shall be there to hear." + +"No, you will not; I shall wait till you are gone to bed, for I am sure +Lionel and Johnny ought to know nothing about it. I believe I had better +not have told you; but, Gerald, you are all I have, and I can't help +telling you everything." + +"Of course, Marian, so you ought, for let them laugh at me as they will, +I always tell you everything. And won't it be nice when I am grown up, +and we can get away from them all, and live at home together, and I go +out shooting every day, and you and Ranger stand at the top of the steps +to watch me? For Ranger will be too old to go out shooting by that +time." + +In the midst of this picture of rural felicity, Saunders came to tell +Marian that it was time to dress. + +When she returned to the schoolroom, Caroline would have given anything +not to have read the letter; she was too sure that there was nothing +wrong in it, and she could not show the trust in her cousin which would +have enabled her to speak freely, and say she was very sorry for her +speech and meant nothing by it; nor did she wish to revive the subject +before Lionel, whose indignation would be still more unpleasant in +Marian's own presence. She therefore said nothing, and on the other hand +Marian felt awkward and constrained; Lionel was secretly ashamed of his +own improper behaviour to Miss Morley, and well knowing that he should +never dare to perform his threat of telling his father, put on a surly +kind of demeanour, quite as uncivil to Marian as to anyone else; and but +that Clara never minded anything, and that Johnny knew and cared little +about the matter, their tea that evening would have been wonderfully +unsociable. Gerald had not much to say, but the bent of his thoughts was +evident enough when his ever-busy pencil produced the sketch of a cat +pricking her paw by patting a hedgehog rolled up in a ball. + +Neither Miss Morley nor her pupils ever expected to hear more of the +letter, for they knew perfectly well that what Lionel had said was but a +threat, for the appeal direct to Mr. or Mrs. Lyddell was a thing never +thought of at Oakworthy. Marian had, however, made up her mind; her +anxiety overpowered her shyness; she knew that Mr. Lyddell was the +proper person, and perhaps the fact was that she was less afraid of him +than of his wife. So, though she resisted all the glances cast at her +by Gerald, whenever he thought he saw a good opportunity for her, and +waited till all the three little boys had gone to bed, she by no means +gave up her purpose. It was time for her too, to wish good night; and +while her heart beat fast, she said, "Mr. Lyddell, you gave me leave to +write to Agnes Wortley. Was it on condition of my letters being looked +over?" + +"Who meddles with your letters?" said Mr. Lyddell, much surprised. + +Caroline, having helped to get her governess into the scrape, thought +it but fair to say what she could for her, and answered, "Miss Morley +thought that you and mamma would wish it." + +"By no means," said Mr. Lyddell, turning to Marian, "I have the +highest opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley, the very highest; I wish your +correspondence to be perfectly free." + +"Thank you," said Marian. "Good night!" and away she went, to tell +Gerald how it had passed; and he, who had been lying awake in +expectation, was much disappointed to hear no more than this. + +As soon as she was gone, Mrs. Lyddell exclaimed, "What could have given +Miss Morley reason to think that her letters were to be inspected? +Really, Miss Morley must have some courage! I should be sorry to be the +person to make the request." + +"Ah! Marian was very angry indeed," said Clara; "quite in a passion." + +"Very proper," said Mr. Lyddell. "A spirited thing. She is a girl of +sense." + +Mrs. Lyddell let the matter drop with the girls, but going to the +schoolroom, she inquired into it more fully, and found that by poor +unfortunate faithful Morley's own account, she had allowed herself to +be made the tool of the curiosity of Caroline and Clara. She spoke +severely, and Miss Morley had displeasure to endure, which was +considerably more disagreeable than all Clara's importunities could have +been. + +However, the next morning it appeared as if the whole affair was +forgotten by all parties; Marian win just as usual, and so were her +cousins; but, in secret, Caroline felt guilty, and held her in higher +estimation since she had seen the contents of the letter, which, as +she could perceive, Marian might well be doubly unwilling to show; she +wished that Marian would but be as open to her as she was to Agnes, but +this unfortunate business seemed like another great bar to their ever +being really intimate, and she did not know how to surmount it. + +These reflections were shortly after driven out of Caroline's head by +a severe fit of toothache, which for three days made her unfit for +anything but to sit by the fire reading idle books. Mrs. Lyddell +proposed to take her to Salisbury to consult a dentist, and Lionel was +supposed likewise to require inspection. Then, turning to Marian, Mrs. +Lyddell said, "This is not the pleasantest kind of expedition, but +perhaps you may like to see Salisbury, and I think your bonnet wants +renewing." + +"Thank you," said Marian, pleased with the Invitation. "I shall be very +glad to go; I believe my teeth ought to be looked at. The dentist at +Exeter said last winter that they were crowded and ought to be watched." + +"Very well," said Mrs. Lyddell, "we will see what Mr. Polkinghorn says." + +"Polkinghorn," said Marian, as Mrs. Lyddell left the room; "that is a +Devonshire name." + +"You are very welcome to him, I am sure," said Caroline; "I wish the +trade was abolished." + +"What cowards girls are!" said Lionel. + +"Let us see how boys behave before we say anything against girls," was +Marian's answer. + +"Shan't you scream?" said Lionel. + +"Of course she will not," said Caroline, "unless with joy at meeting a +Devonshire man." + +Marian laughed, and Lionel began an exhilarating story about an +unfortunate who was strapped to the dentist's chair, dragged nine times +round the room, and finally had his jaw broken. + +Marian enjoyed her drive to Salisbury, though it added to her contempt +for Wiltshire scenery, by showing her more and more of desolate down. +She watched the tall Cathedral spire from far in the distance, peering +up among the hills like a picture more than a reality, and she admired +the green meadows and quiet vale where the town stands. Poor Caroline +was taken up with dreadful anticipations of Mr. Pokingtooth, as Lionel +called him, and when arrived at his clamber of torture, hung back, so as +to allow Marian to be the first victim. The result of the examination +was, that it would be better; though not absolutely necessary, that a +certain double tooth should be extracted, and Mr. Polkinghorn, left the +room in search of an instrument. + +"So you think it ought to go?" sighed Marian. + +"I should say so," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you may decide for yourself." + +Marian covered her face with her hands, and considered. The dentist +returned; she laid back her head and opened her mouth, and the tooth +was drawn. Caroline and Lionel escaped more easily, and they left the +dentist's. Mrs. Lyddell said something in commendation of Marian's +courage, and asked if she would like to see the Cathedral, an offer +which she gladly accepted, expecting to go to the service, as the bells +now began to ring; but she was disappointed, for Mrs. Lyddell said, "Ah! +I had forgotten the hour. We must do our commissions first, and be at +the Cathedral before the doors are shut." Marian did not venture to +express her wishes, but she thought of the days when attending the +Cathedral service had been the crowning pleasure of a drive to Exeter, +and in dwelling on the recollection, she spent the attention which Mrs. +Lyddell expected her to bestow on her new bonnet. + +Their business did not occupy them very long, and they entered the +Cathedral before the anthem was over; but Marian felt that it was not +fitting to loiter about the nave while worship was going on within the +choir; and the uncomfortable feeling occupied her so much, that she +could hardly look at the fair clustered columns and graceful arches, and +seemed scarcely to know or care for the gallant William Longsword, when +led to the side of his mail-clad, cross-legged effigy. The deep notes of +the organ, which delighted Caroline, gave her a sense of shame; and even +when the service was over, and they entered the choir, these thoughts +had not so passed away as to enable her to give full admiration to the +exquisite leafy capitals and taper arcades of the Lady Chapel. Perhaps, +too, there was a little perverseness in her inability to think that this +Cathedral surpassed that of Exeter. + +She thanked Mrs. Lyddell rather stiffly, as she thought to herself, "I +did not reckon upon this!" and they set out on their homeward drive. +Caroline looked thoughtful, and did not say much, Lionel fell asleep, +and Mrs. Lyddell, after a few not very successful attempts at talking to +Marian, took out her bills, and began to look over them and to reckon. +Marian sat looking out of the window, lost in a vision of the hills, +woods, and streams of Fern Torr, which lasted till they had reached +home. + +Such an expedition was so uncommon an event in the lives of the +inhabitants of the schoolroom, that those who stayed at home were as +excited about it as those who went, and a full and particular account +was expected of all they had seen and all they had done. Caroline and +Lionel both seemed to think Marian a perfect miracle of courage in +voluntarily consenting to lose a tooth. + +"And I am sure," said Caroline as they sat at tea, "I cannot now +understand what made you have it done." + +"To oblige a countryman," said Marian laughing. + +"Well, but what was your real reason?" persisted Caroline. + +"Mrs. Lyddell thought it best, and so did the dentist," said Marian. + +"O," said Caroline, "he only said so because it was his trade." + +"Then how could Mrs. Lyddell depend on him?" said Marian, gravely. + +"Dentists never are to be depended on," said Caroline; "they only try to +fill their own pockets like other people." + +"You forget," said Lionel, "Devonshire men are not like other people." + +"O yes, I beg their pardon," said Caroline, while every one laughed +except Gerald; who thought the praise only their due. + +"But why did you have it done?" said Clara, returning to the charge; "I +am sure I never would." + +"Yes, but Marian is not you," said Lionel. + +"You would have disobeyed no one," said Caroline. + +"I do not know," said Marian, thinking of one whom she would have +disobeyed by showing weakness. + +"Then did you think it wrong not to have that tooth drawn?" said +Caroline. + +"I do not know." + +"Did you think it right to have it done?" + +"I do not know, unless that I did not like it." + +"Do you mean to say that not liking a thing makes it right?" exclaimed +Clara. + +"Very often," said Marian. + +"Miss Morley, now is not that Popish?" cried Clara. + +"Perhaps your cousin can explain herself," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, "you must tell us what you mean." + +"I don't know," was Marian's first answer; but while uttering the reply, +the real reason arranged itself in words; and finding she must speak +clearly, she said, "Self-denial is always best, and in a doubtful case, +the most disagreeable is always the safest." + +Miss Morley said that Marian was right in many instances, but that this +was not a universal rule, and so the conversation ended. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + "O Brignal banks are fresh and fair, + And Greta woods are green; + I'd rather rove with Edmund there, + Than reign our English queen." + + ROKEBY. + + +Winter came, and with it the time fixed for that farewell visit from +Edmund Arundel, to which Marian and Gerald had long looked forward. +Marian was becoming very anxious for it on Gerald's account, for she was +beginning to feel that he was not quite the same child as when he first +arrived at Oakworthy. He was less under control, less readily obedient +to Miss Morley, less inclined to quote Edmund upon all occasions, more +sensible of his own consequence, and more apt to visit that forbidden +ground, the stables. + +She longed for Edmund's coming, trusting to him to set everything right, +and to explain to her the marvels of this strange new world. + +Several gentlemen were staying in the house, and there was to be a +dinner party on the day when he was expected, so that she thought the +best chance of seeing him would be to stay in the garden with Gerald, +while the others took their walk, so that she might be at hand on his +arrival. Clara, though by no means wanted, chose to stay also, and the +two girls walked up and down the terrace together. + +"It is so very odd," said Clara "that you should care about such a great +old cousin." + +"He is only twenty-four," answered Marian. + +"But he must have been grown up ever since you remember." + +"Yes, but he is so kind. He used to carry us about and play with us when +we were quite little children, and since I have been older he has made +me almost a companion. He taught me to ride, and trained my bay pony, +my beautiful Mayflower, and read with me, and helped me in my music and +drawing." + +"That is more than Elliot would do for us, if he could," said Clara. "It +is very dull to have no one to care about our lessons, but to be shut up +in the schoolroom for ever with poor unfortunate." + +Marian did not choose to say how fully she assented to this complaint, +but happiness had opened her heart, and she went on,--"I have had so +many delightful walks with him through the beautiful wood full of rocks, +and out upon the moor. O, Clara, you cannot think what it is to sit upon +one of those rocks, all covered with moss and lichen, and the ferns +growing in every cleft and cranny, and the beautiful little ivy-leafed +campanula wreathing itself about the moss, and such a soft, free, +delicious air blowing all around. And Edmund and I used to take out a +book, and read and sketch so delightfully there!" + +"Do you know, Marian," said Clara mysteriously, "I have heard some one +say--I will not tell you who--that it is a wonder that Mr. Arundel is so +fond of you, of Gerald, at least, for if it was not for him, he would +have had Fern Torr, and have been Sir Edmund." + +"But why should he not be fond of Gerald?" + +"Really, Marian, you are a very funny person in some things," exclaimed +Clara. "To think of your not being able to guess that!" + +Here Mrs. Lyddell interrupted them by calling from the window to ask why +they were staying in the garden? + +"We were waiting to see Mr. Arundel, mamma," answered Clara. + +"I think," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that as I am going out, it is not quite +_the thing_ for you young ladies to wait to receive a gentleman in my +absence. You had better overtake the others. Marian will see Mr. Arundel +in the evening." + +"How cross!" exclaimed Clara, as soon as they were out of hearing. "Now +we have to go along that horrid, stupid path that poor unfortunate is +so fond of! If mamma had to go there herself, she would know what a +nuisance it is!" + +Marian was silent, because she was too much annoyed to speak properly +of Mrs. Lyddell, whose interference seemed to her a needless piece of +unkindness. At home she would have thought it strange not to hasten to +greet cousin Edmund, and she feared he would think she neglected him, +yet she could not, in Clara's presence, leave a message for him with her +brother. Gerald begged her to remain, but she replied, with, a short, +blunt "I can't," and set off with Clara, feeling provoked with +everybody. In process of time she recovered candour enough to +acknowledge to herself that Mrs. Lyddell was right as far as Clara was +concerned, but the struggle kept her silent, her cousin thought her +sulky, and the walk was not agreeable. + +Gerald did not as usual attend her toilette, but as she passed along the +passage on her way to the schoolroom, she heard sounds in the hall so +like home that her heart bounded, Gerald's voice and Edmund's in reply! +She could not help opening the door which separated the grand staircase +from the schoolroom passage, the voice sounded plainer, she looked over +the balusters, and saw--yes, actually saw Edmund, the top of his black +head was just below her. Should she call? Should she run half-way down +stairs, and just exchange one greeting unrestrainedly? But no; her heart +beat so fast as to take away her breath, and that gave her time for +recollection: Mrs. Lyddell might not think it proper, it would be +meeting him in an underhand way, and that would never do! + +Marian turned back, shut the door of communication, and in the next +moment was in the schoolroom. When Gerald came up to tea, he was in the +wildest spirit; making fun, romping with Lionel and John, and putting +everything in such an uproar that it was quite a relief when the time +came for going down to the drawing-room. + +Now, Marian's great fear was that the gentlemen would be cruel enough +to stay in the dining-room till after half-past nine, when she would +be obliged to go to bed. She could hardly speak to anybody, she shrank +away, as near the door as she dared, and half sprang up every time it +opened, then sat down ashamed of herself, and disappointed to see only +the servants with coffee and tea. + +At last, the fatal time had all but come, when the black figures of the +gentlemen entered one after the other, Marian scarcely venturing to look +at them, and overpowered with a double access of fright and shyness, +which chained her to her seat, and her eyes to the ground. But +now--Edmund's hand was grasping hers, Edmund was by her side, his voice +was saying, "Well, Marian, how are you?" + +She looked up at him for one moment, then on the ground again, without +speaking. + +"Oakworthy has put no colour in your cheeks," said he. "Are you quite +well?" + +"Quite, thank you," said she, almost as shortly and coldly as if she had +been answering Mrs. Lyddell. + +"When did you hear from home?" + +"Yesterday," said she, speaking more readily. "Agnes always writes once +a week. When do you go there?" + +"Next week, when I leave this place." + +"You come from the Marchmonts, don't you?" + +"Yes, Selina sends you her love, and all manner of kind messages. She +hopes to see you in London after Easter." + +"O dear! There is Mrs. Lyddell looking at me, and I see Caroline is +gone! Good night, Edmund." + +"So soon? I hoped to have seen more of you to-day; I came early on +purpose." + +"I thought so, but they would not let me stay at home." + +"I understand. Don't squeeze up your lips and look woeful. I knew how it +was. Good night." + +Marian walked slowly up stairs, sighing as she went, and looked into +Gerald's room. He was awake, and called out, "Well, Marian, are you not +glad he has come?" + +"O yes, very," returned Marian, in a tone of little gladness; "I hope +you will be very happy with him." + +"Why not you?" + +"It will be all disappointment," she answered in a choking voice, as, +sheltered by the darkness, she knelt down by Gerald's bed, and burst +into tears. "It will all be like to-day." + +"No, it shall not!" cried Gerald; "I will tell Edmund all about it, and +he shall send them all to the right about! I can't think why you did not +tell Mrs. Lyddell that you always stay at home for Edmund." + +"Miss Arundel," said Saunders, at the door, "do you know that it is half +an hour later than usual?" + +The next morning Marian awoke with brighter spirits. It was possible +that she might accomplish one walk with him, and Gerald was sure of +being constantly at his side, which was the great point. At any rate, +she could not be very unhappy while he was in the house. + +She heard nothing of him all the morning, but, just as the schoolroom +dinner was over, in came Mrs. Lyddell, and with her Edmund himself, to +the great surprise of all the inhabitants. Marian looked very happy, but +said very little, while there was some talk with Miss Morley, and then +Edmund asked if she had no drawings to show him. She brought out her +portfolio, and felt it like old times when he observed on her improved +shading, or criticised the hardness of her distant hills, while Miss +Morley wondered at his taste and science. It was delightful to find that +she and Gerald were really to take a walk with him by themselves. She +almost flew to fetch her walking dress, and soon the three were on their +way together. + +There was a great quantity of home news to be talked over, for Edmund +had not heard half so often nor so minutely as Marian, and he had to be +told how Charles Wortley got on at his new school, that Ranger had +been lost for a day and a half, and many pieces of the same kind of +intelligence, of which the most important was that Farmer Bright's widow +had given up the hill farm, and his nephew wanted to take it, but Mr. +Wortley hoped that this would not be allowed, as he was a dissenter. + +"Indeed!" said Edmund; "I wonder Carter did not mention that." + +"Had you heard this before?" said Marian; "I thought it news." + +"Most of it is," said Edmund, "but not about the farm. The letting it is +part of my business here, but I did not know of this man's dissent. Your +correspondence has done good service." + +"I am sure it is my great delight," said Marian; "I do not know what I +should do without hearing from Agnes. I think I have learnt to prize her +more since I have known other people." + +"You don't find the Miss Lyddells quite as formidable as you expected +though?" said Edmund; "the eldest has a nice open, countenance." + +"We get on very well," said Marian. "Caroline is so good-tempered and +clever, and Lionel is delightful." + +"O, Edmund," interposed Gerald, "Lionel and I had such fun the other +day. We caught the old donkey and blindfolded it with our handkerchiefs, +and let it loose, and if you could but have seen how it kicked up its +heels----" + +They went on with the history of adventures of the same description, +enjoying themselves exceedingly, and when Marian went in, she was much +pleased to find how favourable an impression Edmund had made on her +companions, although some of their commendations greatly surprised her; +Miss Morley pronouncing that he had in the greatest degree an _air +distingue_, and was a remarkably fashionable young man. Marian could +endure the _air distingue_, but could hardly swallow the fashionable +young man, an expression which only conveyed to her mind the idea of +Elliot Lyddell and his moustached friends. However, she knew it was +meant for high praise, and her present amiable fit was strong enough to +prevent her from taking it as an insult. + +The next day was Sunday, and she provokingly missed Edmund three times, +in the walks to and from church, he being monopolized by "some stupid +person," who had far less right to him than she had; but at last, +when she had been completely worried and vexed with her succession of +disappointments, and had come into what Lionel would have emphatically +called "a state of mind," Edmund contrived to come to her before going +in doors, and asked if she could not take a few turns with him on the +terrace. She came gladly, and yet hardly with full delight, for the +irritation of the continually recurring disappointments through the +whole day, still had its influence on her spirits, and she did not at +first speak. "Where is Gerald?" asked Edmund. + +"I don't know; somewhere with the boys," said Marian, disconsolately. + +"Well, why not?" said Edmund laughing. + +"I don't know," said Marian. + +"That is a meditative 'I don't know,' which conveys more than meets the +ear." + +"I don't know whether----; I mean I don't think it does Gerald any +good." + +"It?--what?" + +"I don't know," repeated Marian in a tone which to any one else would +have appeared sullen. + +"I should like to arrive at your meaning, Marian. Are you not happy +about Gerald!" + +"I don't know," said Marian; but Edmund, convinced that all was not +right, was resolved to penetrate these determined professions of +ignorance. + +"Is Gerald under Miss Morley?" he asked. + +"Yes, during most of the day. They all say he is very good." + +"And does not that satisfy you?" + +"I don't know." + +Edmund perceived that the subject of her brother was too near her heart +to be easily approached, and resolved to change his tone. + +"How have you been getting on?" he asked. "Does learning flourish under +the present dynasty?" + +"I don't know," replied Marian for the seventh time, but she did not as +usual stop there, and continued, "they think one knows nothing unless +one has learnt all manner of dates, and latitudes, and such things. Not +one of them knew Orion when they saw him in the sky, and yet even Clara +thought me dreadfully stupid because I could not find out on the globe +the altitude of Beta in Serpentarius, at New Orleans, at three o'clock +in the morning." + +Edmund could not help laughing at her half-complaining, half-humorous +tone, and this encouraged her to proceed. + +"In history they don't care whether a man is good or bad; they only care +when he lived. O Edmund, the lists of names and dates, kings and Roman +emperors----." + +"Metals, semi-metals, and distinguished philosophers," said Edmund; and +Marian, who in days of old had read "Mansfield Park," laughed as she +used to do at home. + +"Exactly," said she, "O, Edmund, it is very different learning from what +it used to be. All lesson and no thinking, no explaining, no letting one +make out more about the interesting places. I wanted the other day to +look out in some history book to find whether Rinaldo in Tasso was a +real man, but nobody would care about it; and as to the books, all the +real good _grown-up_ ones are down in Mr. Lyddell's library, where no +one can get at them." + +"Does not Miss Lyddell enter into these things?" + +"O yes, Caroline does, a great deal more than Miss Morley; but I don't +know--I never can get on with Caroline----." + +Marian had now gone on to the moment when her heart was ready to be +open, and the whole story, so long laid up for Edmund, began to be +poured forth; while he, anxious to hear all, and more sympathizing than +he was willing to show himself, only put in a word or two here and +there, so as to sustain the narration. Everything was told, how Clara +was frivolous and wearisome; how Caroline was cold, incomprehensible, +and unsympathetic; how unjust and weak Miss Morley was; how sharp, +hasty, and unmotherly she found Mrs. Lyddell; and then, growing more +eager, Marian, with tears springing to her eyes, told of the harm the +influence of Oakworthy was doing Gerald; his love of the stables, and +Saunders' opinion of the company he was likely to meet there. This led +her to more of Saunders' communications about the general arrangement +of the house, and the want of really earnest care for what is right; +further still to what Saunders had told of Elliot and his ways, which +were such as to shock her excessively, and yet she had herself heard Mr. +Lyddell say that he was a fine spirited fellow! + +Edmund was not sorry to find that he had but small space in which to +give the reply for which Marian was eagerly looking. He avoided the main +subject, and spoke directly to a point on which his little cousin was +certainly wrong. "Well, Marian, who would have thought of your taking to +gossiping with servants?" Then, as she looked down, too much ashamed to +speak, he added, "I suppose poor Saunders has not sought for charms at +Oakworthy any more than you have." + +"Indeed I do not think I tried to make the worst of it when I came." + +"Is that a confession that you are doing so now?" + +"I do not know." + +"Then let us see if you will give the same account to-morrow; I shall +ask you whenever I see you particularly amiable. And now I think I have +kept you out quite late enough." + +The next day was very pleasant, bright, and frosty; Marian, from having +relieved her heart, felt more free and happy, and her lessons went off +quickly and smoothly. All went well, even though Edmund was obliged to +go and call on a friend at Salisbury instead of coming to walk with her. +Her walk with Miss Morley and her cousins was prosperous and pleasant; +the boys ran races, and Marian and Clara were allowed to join them +without a remonstrance. Marian was running and laughing most joyously, +when she was stopped by hearing a horse's feet near her, and looking +round saw Edmund returning from his ride. "May I keep her out a little +longer?" said he to Miss Morley, as he jumped off his horse, and Marian +came to his side. Miss Morley returned a ready assent, and after +disposing of the horse, the two cousins walked on happily together, she +telling him some pleasant histories of Gerald and the other little boys, +and lamenting the loss that Lionel would be when he went to school. +After they had talked over Salisbury Cathedral, and Marian had heard +with great interest of Edmund's late employments in Scotland, and all +he was to do and see in Africa, and saying much about that never-ending +subject, Fern Torr, Edmund thought her so cheerful that he said, "Well, +may I venture to ask your opinion of the people here?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, who was so much ashamed of the accusation +of gossiping with Saunders as to be willing to pass over all that had +been founded on her information, "perhaps I did say too much yesterday, +and yet I do not know I am sure I should never have chosen them for +friends." + +"Perhaps they would return that compliment." + +"Then you really think it is my own fault?" + +"No;" (Edmund tried hard to prevent his "no" from being too emphatic, +and forced himself to go on thus) "I do not suppose it is entirely your +fault, but at the same time you do not strike me as a person likely to +make friends easily." + +"O, Edmund, I could never bring myself to kiss, and say 'dearest' and +'darling,' and all that, like Clara." + +"There is the thing," said Edmund; "not that it is wrong to dislike +it, not that I could ever imagine your doing any thing like it;" and, +indeed, the idea seemed so preposterous, that both the cousins +laughed; "but the disposition is not one likely to be over and above +prepossessing to strangers." + +"You mean that I am disagreeable?" + +"No, far from it. I only mean that you are chilly, and make almost all +who come near you the same towards you." + +"I cannot help it," said Marian. + +"Yes, you could in time, if you did not fairly freeze yourself by +constant dwelling on their worst points. Make the best of them with all +your might, and you will soon learn to like them better." + +"But if the things are so, Edmund, how can I see them otherwise?" + +"Don't look out for them, and be glad of every excuse for disliking the +people. Don't fancy harshness and unkindness where no one intends it. I +am quite sure that Mr. Lyddell wishes to give you every advantage, and +that Mrs. Lyddell thinks she treats you like her own child." + +"I don't think I should like to be her own child," said Marian. "It is +true that she is the same with me as with them, but--" + +"Poor Marian," said Edmund, kindly, "you have been used to such +gentleness at home, that no wonder the world seems hard and unkind to +you. But I did not mean to make you cry; you know you must rough it, and +bravely too." + +"Never mind my crying," said Marian, struggling to speak; "it is +nothing, but I cannot help it. It is so very long since any one has +known what I meant." + +Edmund could not trust himself to speak, so full was he of affectionate +compassion for her, and of indignation against the Lyddells, when these +few words revealed to him all her loneliness; and they walked on for a +considerable distance in silence, till, with a sudden change of tone, he +asked if she had had any riding since she came to Oakworthy. + +"O no, I have not been on horseback once. What a treat a good canter on +Mayflower would be!" + +"I suspect one victory over her would put you in spirits to be amiable +for a month," said Edmund. + +"Dear old Mayflower!" said Marian. "How delightful that day was when she +first came home, and we took that very long ride to the Eastcombe!" + +Edmund and Marian fell into a line of reminiscences which enlivened them +both, and she went in-doors in a cheerful mood, while he seriously took +the riding into consideration; knowing, as he did, that her mother had +thought a great deal of out-of-door exercise desirable for her, and +guessing that her want of spirits might very probably arise from want of +the air and freedom to which she had always been accustomed. The result +of his meditations was, that the next morning she was delighted by +Gerald's rushing into the school-room, calling out, "Put on your habit, +Marian; make haste and put on your habit. You are to have my pony, and +I am to have Lionel's, and Edmund is to have Sorell, and we are all to +ride together to Chalk Down!" + +How fast Marian obeyed the summons may well be believed; and though +Gerald's pony was not comparable to Mayflower, it was much to feel +herself again in the saddle, with the fresh wind breathing on her +checks, and Edmund by her side. Par and joyously did they ride; so far, +that Gerald was tired into unusual sleepiness all the evening; but +Marian was but the fresher and brighter, full of life and merriment, +which quite surprised her cousins. + +But visits, alas! are fleeting things, and Edmund's last day at +Oakworthy came only too soon. Precious as it was, it was for the most +part devoted to business with Mr. Lyddell, though he sent Marian a +message that he hoped for a walk with her and her brother in the +afternoon. + +The hour came, but not the man; and while Caroline and Clara went out +with Miss Morley, Marian sat down with a book to wait for him. In about +an hour's time the boys came to tell her they were going to the pond +with Walter. + +"O Gerald, won't you wait for Edmund?" + +"I have waited till I am tired. I cannot stay in this whole afternoon, +and I do not think he will come this age." + +"He is shut up in the study with papa," said Lionel; "I heard their +voices very loud, as if they were in _such_ a rage." + +"I wish I could see them," said Johnny, "it would be such fun." + +Away ran the boys, leaving Marian in a state of wonder and anxiety, but +still confident that Edmund would not forget her. She put on her walking +dress, and sat down to her book again, but still she was left to wait. +The winter twilight commenced, and still no Edmund; steps approached, +but not the right ones; and in came the walking party, with a general +exclamation of "Poor Marian! what, still waiting?" Miss Morley advised +her to take a few turns on the terrace, instead of practising that +horrid Mozart. Marian disconsolately went down stairs, looking wistfully +at the library door as she went past it, and, at a funeral pace, +promenaded along the terrace. As she passed beneath the window of +Caroline's room, a head was popped out, and a voice sang-- + + "So, sir, you're come at last, I thought you'd come no more, + I've waited with my bonnet on from one till half-past four! + You know I sit alone--" + +At that moment, Edmund himself was seen advancing from the door; the +song ended in a scream of laughter and dismay, and the window was +hastily shut. Edmund smiled a little, but very little, and said, "True +enough, I am afraid I have used you very ill." + +"Tiresome affairs," said Marian, looking up into his harassed face. "I +hope they have not made your head ache?" + +"I have been worried, but it is not the fault of the affairs, I wish you +had not lost your walk," added he abruptly, beginning to stride on so +fast that she could scarcely keep up with him, and apparently forgetting +her presence entirely in his own engrossing thoughts. She watched him +intently as she toiled to keep by his side, longing, but not daring, +to inquire what was the matter. At last he broke out into a muttered +exclamation, "destitute of all principle! all labour in vain!" + +"What--how--Mr. Lyddell?" + +"This whole day have I been at it, trying to bring him to reason about +that farm!" + +"What? Did he wish the Dissenter to have it?" + +"He saw no objection--treated all I said as the merest moonshine!" + +"What? all the annoyance to the Wortleys, and the mischief to the poor +people!" exclaimed Marian, "Why, we should have a meeting-house!" + +"Nothing more likely, in the Manor field, and fifty pounds +subscribed--all for the sake of toleration and Gerald's interests." + +"You don't mean that he has done it?" said Marian, alarmed, and not +quite understanding Edmund's tone of irony, "Cannot you prevent it?" + +"I have prevented It; I said that, with my knowledge of my uncle's +intentions, I could never feel justified in consenting to sign the +lease." + +"And that puts a stop to it? Oh, I am very glad. But I suppose he was +very angry?" + +"I never saw a man more so. He said he had no notion of sacrificing +Gerald's interest to party feeling." + +"How could it be for Gerald's interest to bring Dissenters to Fern Torr? +I am sure it would be very disagreeable. I thought it, was quite wrong +to have any dealings with them." + +"He has been popularity-hunting too long to have many scruples on that +score." + +Marian could not help triumphing. "Well, Edmund, I am glad you have come +to my opinion at last. I knew you would not like the Lyddells when you +knew them better." + +"I never was much smitten with them," said Edmund, abruptly, as if +affronted at the imputation of having liked them. + +"But Edmund," cried Marian, standing still in the extremity of her +amazement, "what have you been about all this time? Have you not been +telling me it is all my own fault that I do not get on with them?" + +He was silent for a little while; and then turning round half-way, +as people do when much diverted, he broke out into a hearty fit of +laughter. "It is plain," said he, at last, "that nature never designed +me for a young lady's counsellor." + +"What do you mean, Edmund?" + +"I suspect I have done mischief," said Edmund, after a little +consideration, "and I believe all that remains to be done is to tell you +all, and come down from my character of Mentor, which certainly I have +not fulfilled particularly well." + +"I am sure I do not understand you," said Marian. + +"Well, then," said Edmund, speaking in a more free and unembarrassed +tone than he had used since he had been at Oakworthy, "this is the fact +of the matter, as Mrs. Cornthwayte would say, Marian. I always thought +it very unlucky that you were obliged to live here; but as it could not +be helped, and I really knew nothing against the Lyddells, there was no +use in honing and moaning about it beforehand, so I tried to make the +best of it. Well, I came here, and found things as bad as I expected, +and was very glad to find you steady in the principles we learnt at +home. Still, I thought you deficient in kindly feeling towards them, and +inclined to give way to repining and discontent, and I think you allowed +I was not far wrong. To-day, I must allow, I was off my guard, and have +made a complete mess of all my prudence." + +"O, I am very glad of it," said Marian. "I understand you now, and you +are much more like yourself." + +"Yes, it was a very unsuccessful attempt," said Edmund, again laughing +at himself, "and I am very glad it is over; for I have been obliged to +be the high and mighty guardian all this time, and I am very tired of +it;" and he yawned. + +"Then you don't like them any better than I do," repeated Marian, in a +tone of heartfelt satisfaction. + +"Stop, stop, stop; don't think that cousin Edmund means to give you +leave to begin hating them." + +"Hating them? O no! but now you will tell me what I ought to do, since +there is no possibility of getting away from them." + +"No, there is no possibility," said Edmund, considering; "I could not +ask the Marchmonts again, though they did make the offer in the first +fulness of their hearts. Besides, there are objections; I should not +feel satisfied to trust you to so giddy a head as Selina's. No, Marian, +it cannot be helped; so let us come to an understanding about these same +Lyddells." + +"Well, then, why is it that we do not do better? I know there are faults +on my side; but what are the faults on theirs?" + +"Marian, I believe the fault to be that they do not look beyond this +present life," said Edmund, in a grave, low tone. + +Marian thought a little while, and then said, "Caroline does, but I see +what you mean with the others." + +"Then your conduct should be a witness of your better principles," said +Edmund. "You may stand on very high ground, and it entirely depends +on yourself whether you maintain that position, or sink down to their +level." + +"O, but that is awful!" cried Marian; and then in a tone of still +greater dismay, "and Gerald? O, Edmund, what is to become of him?" + +"I must trust him to you, Marian." + +"To me!" + +"You have great influence over him, and that, rightly used, may be his +safeguard. Many a man has owed everything to a sister's influence." +Then, as Marian's eye glistened with somewhat of tender joy and yet of +fear, he went on, "But take care; if you deteriorate, he will be in +great danger; and, on the other hand, beware of obstinacy and rigidity +in trifles--you know what I mean--which might make goodness distasteful +to him." + +"O, worse and worse, Edmund! What is to be done? If I can do him so much +harm, I know I can do him very little good; and what will it be when he +is older, and will depend less on what I say?" + +"He will always depend more on what you _do_ than on what you say." + +"But what can I do? all the schoolboy temptations that I know nothing +about. And Elliot--O, Edmund! think of Elliot, and say if it is not +dreadful that Mr. Lyddell should have the management of our own Gerald? +Papa never could have known--" + +"I think, while he is still so young, that there is not much harm to be +apprehended from that quarter," said Edmund; "afterwards, I believe +I may promise you that he shall not be left entirely to Oakworthy +training." + +"And," said Marian, "could you not make him promise to keep away from +the stables? Those men--and their language--could you not, Edmund?" + +"I could, but I would not," said Edmund. "I had rather that, if +he transgresses, he should not break his word as well as run into +temptation. There is no such moral crime in going down to the stables, +as should make us willing to oblige him to take a vow against it." + +"Would it not keep him out of temptation?" + +"Only by substituting another temptation," said Edmund. "No, Marian; a +boy must be governed by principles, and not by promises." + +"Principles--people are always talking of them, but I don't half +understand what they are," said Marian. + +"The Creed and the Ten Commandments are what I call principles," said +Edmund. + +"But those are promises, Edmund." + +"You are right, Marian; but they are not promises to man." + +"I could do better if I had any one to watch me, or care about me," said +Marian. + +Edmund's face was full of sadness. "We--I mean you, are alone indeed, +Marian; but, depend upon it, it is for the best. We might be tempted not +to look high enough, and you have to take heed to yourself for Gerald's +sake." + +"I do just sometimes feel as I ought," said Marian; "but it is by fits +and starts. O, Edmund, I would give anything that you were not going." + +"It is too late now," said Edmund, "and there are many reasons which +convince me that I ought not to exchange. In a year or two, when I have +my promotion, I hope to return, and then, Marian, I shall find you a +finished young lady." + +Marian shuddered. + +"Poor child," said Edmund, laughing. + +"And you are going home," said Marian, enviously. + +"Home, yes," said Edmund, in a tone which seemed as if he did not think +himself an object of envy. + +"Yes, the hills and woods," said Marian, "and the Wortleys." + +"Yes, I am very glad to go," said Edmund. "Certainly even the being +hackneyed cannot spoil the beauty or the force of those lines of +Gray's." + +"What, you mean, 'Ah! happy hills; ah! pleasing shade?'" + +"Yes," said Edmund, sighing and musing for some minutes before he again +spoke, and then it was very earnestly. "Marian, you must not go wrong, +Gerald must not--with such parents as yours----." Marian did not answer, +for she could not; and presently he added, "It does seem strange that +such care as my uncle's should have been given to me, and then his own +boy left thus. But, Marian, you must watch him, you must guard him. If +you are in real difficulty or doubt how to act, you have the Wortleys; +and if you see anything about which you are seriously uneasy with regard +to him, write to me, and I will do my utmost, little as that is." + +"Yes, yes, I am glad to be sure of it," said Marian. + +"Well, I am glad to have had this talk," said Edmund. "I did you +injustice, Marian; you are fit to be treated as a friend: but you must +forgive me, for it cost me a good deal to try to be wise with you." + +"I think you have seemed much wiser since you left it off," said Marian, +"Somehow, though I was glad to hear you, it did not comfort me or set me +to rights before." + +Edmund and Marian could have gone on for hours longer, but it was +already quite dark; and the sound of Elliot's whistle approaching +warned them that one was coming who would little understand their +friendship,--why the soldier should loiter with the little girl, or why +the young girl should cling to the side of her elder cousin. They went +in-doors, and hastened different ways; they saw each other again, but +only in full assembly of the rest of the family. And at last, soon after +breakfast the nest morning, Marian stood in the hall, watching Edmund +drive from the door; and while her face was cold, pale, and still as +ever, her heart throbbed violently, and her throat felt as if she was +ready to choke. She heard of him at Fern Torr, she heard of him at +Portsmouth, she heard of his embarkation; and many and many a lonely +moment was filled up with tears of storm and tempest; of fever and +climate, of the lion and of the Caffre. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + "Child of the town! for thee, alas! + Glad nature spreads nor tree or grass; + Birds build no nests, nor in the sun + Glad streams come singing as they run. + Thy paths are paved for five long miles, + Thy groves and hills are peaks and tiles, + Thy fragrant air is yon thick smoke, + Which shrouds thee like a mourning cloak." + + ALAN CUNNINGHAM. + + +And so Edmund was gone! But he had bequeathed to Marian a purpose and +an object, which gave her a spirit to try hard and feel out a way for +herself in this confused tangle of a world around, her. She was happier, +though perhaps more anxious; for now it was not mere vague dislike and +discontent, but a clearer perception both of the temptations around and +of the battle required of her. + +In January the whole family went to London, the object of many of +Marian's terrors. Caroline and Clara were both sorry to go, and the boys +lamented exceedingly; Lionel saying it was very hard that the last two +months before his going to school should be spent boxed up there, with +nothing to do. Indeed the life of the schoolroom party was here more +monotonous than that at Oakworthy; for besides the constant regularity +of lessons, there was now no variety in the walks; they only paced round +the square, or on fine days went as far as the park. + +And then there were the masters! Marian was in a state of great fear, +under the anticipation of her first lessons from them; but the reality +proved much better than she had expected. To be sure, she disliked the +dancing with all her heart, and made no great figure in music; but +people were patient with her, and that was a great comfort; and then she +thoroughly liked and enjoyed the lessons in languages and in drawing. +There were further advantages in the London life, upon which she had not +calculated, for here she was nobody, less noticed than Caroline, seldom +summoned to see visitors, and, when she went into the drawing-room, +allowed to remain in the back-ground as much as she pleased; so that, +though her eye pined for green trees and purple hills, and her ear was +wearied with the never-ceasing sound of wheels, London so far exceeded +her expectations, that she wrote to Agnes, that, "if there were no +smoke, and no fog, and no streets, and no people, there would be no +great harm in it, especially if there was anything for the boys to do." + +The boys were certainly to be pitied; in a house smaller than Oakworthy, +and without the occupations out of doors to which they had been +accustomed, edicts of silence were more ineffectual than ever, and yawns +became painfully frequent. Every one's temper fell into an uncomfortable +state of annoyance and irritation; Miss Morley, instead of her usual +quiet, piteous way of reproving, was fretful; Caroline was sharp; Clara +sometimes rude like the boys, sometimes cross with them; even Marian +was now and then tormented into a loss of temper, when there was no +obtaining the quiet which she, more than the others, needed in order to +learn a lesson properly. Each day Lionel grew more unruly, chiefly from +the want of occupation, leading the other two along with him; and each +day the female portion of the party grew more inclined to fretfulness, +as they felt their own helplessness. It even came to consultations +between Miss Morley and Caroline whether they must not really tell of +the boys: but the evil day was always put off till "next time." + +Gerald was riotous when Lionel and John made him so, but not often on +his own account; and he had more resources of his own than they had. His +drawing was a great amusement to him, though rather in a perverse way; +for he would not be induced to take lessons of the master, seldom drew +at the right time, or in the right place, and frequently in the wrong +ones. + +"I never can learn except when I am drawing," he said, and his slate +was often so filled with designs, that the sums were jostled into the +narrowest possible space, while his Latin grammar was similarly adorned. +There sat the Muse in full beauty, enthroned upon Parnassus, close to +_musa musae; magister_ had a wig, and _dominus_ a great rod; while the +extraordinary physiognomies round _facies faciei_ would have been worthy +of any collection of caricatures. Moreover the illustrations of the verb +_amo_ commemorated the gentleman who was married on Sunday, killed his +wife on Wednesday, and at the preter-pluperfect tense was hanged on +Saturday. Other devices were scattered along the margin, and peeped out +of every nook--old men's heads, dogs, hunters, knights, omnibuses; and +the habit of drawing so grew upon him, that when he was going to read +any book where scribbling was insufferable, Marian generally took the +precaution of putting all pencils out of reach. + +She often warned him to take care of the school-room Atlas; but, incited +by Lionel, he could not resist the temptation of putting a pipe in the +mouth of the Britannia who sat in a corner of the map of England. This +pipe she carefully rubbed out, but not till it had received from the +others a sort of applause which he took as encouragement to repeat the +offence; and when next Marian looked at Britannia, she found the pipe +restored, and a cocked hat on the lion's head. Again there was much +merriment; and though Miss Morley, more than once, told Gerald this +would never do, and he really must not, she could not help laughing so +much, that he never quite believed her to be in earnest, and proceeded +to people the world with inhabitants by no means proportioned to the +size of their countries. John-o'-Groat and his seven brothers took +possession of their house, Turks paraded in the Mediterranean, and in +the large empty space in the heart of Africa, Baron Munchausen caused +the lion to leap down the crocodile's throat. + +It was about this time that Marian was one day summoned to the +drawing-room at an unusual time, and found Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both +there looking exceedingly gracious. "Here is a present for you, Marian," +said the former, putting into her hands a large thin parcel. + +"For me! O thank you!" said Marian, too much surprised and embarrassed +to make much of her thanks; nor did her wonder diminish as, unfolding +the paper, she beheld a blue watered silk binding, richly embossed, with +the title of "The Wreath of Beauty," and soon there lay before her, in +all the smoothness of India paper and mezzotint, a portrait, beneath +which she read the name of Selina, Viscountess Marchmont. + +"Selina!" repeated she, in the extremity of her amazement. + +"Yes," said Mr. Lyddell, resting there in expectation of renewed and +eager acknowledgements; but all he received was this--"Can that be +Selina?" + +"It is said to be a very good likeness," said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"O!" cried Marian, and there she checked herself. + +"Mr. Lyddell was quite struck with the resemblance to you," added Mrs. +Lyddell. + +The astonishment of Marian's glance was greater than ever, but here +she bethought herself that Mr. Lyddell had intended to give her great +pleasure, and that she was very ungrateful; whereupon the room seemed to +swim round with her in her embarrassment, and with a great effort she +stammered out something about his being very kind, and her being very +much obliged to him; and then, perceiving that she ought to add more, in +order to satisfy that judge of politeness, Mrs. Lyddell, she said that +it was a long time since she had seen Lady Marchmont, and that she could +not so well judge of the likeness; and then she bore it away to sigh and +wonder over it unrestrainedly with Gerald. + +No wonder the Lyddells were surprised, for Lady Marchmont's portrait was +incomparably the most beautiful in the book; the classical regularity of +the features, the perfect form of nose and chin, the lovely lip, and the +undulating line of the hair, all were exquisite; the turn of the long +neck, the _pose_ of the tall graceful figure, and the simple elegance +of the dress, were such as to call for great admiration. But all that +Marian saw was an affectation in that twisted position,--a straining +round of the eyes, and a kind of determination at archness of expression +in the mouth. Where was the merry, artless, sweet-looking Selina she +remembered, whose yet unformed though very pretty features had faded +from her memory, and left only the lively, good-natured expression +which, here she sought in vain? + +"O Selina, Selina, can you be like this'?" exclaimed she; "and to think +of their saying I am like it! I am sure I hope one is as true as the +other." + +Gerald drew his face into a horrible caricature of the expression in the +portrait, and set his sister laughing. + +"I hope I shall never see her If she has grown like it," said she, +sighing. + +"I should take the stick to her if she was," said Gerald. + +"I am afraid it must be too true," said Marian, "or she would never +allow herself to be posted up in this absurd way. I wonder Lord +Marchmont allows it!" + +"I'll tell you, Marian," said the sympathising Gerald, "if I had ten +beauties for my wife--" + +"Ten beauties! O, Gerald!" + +"Well, one ten times as beautiful as Selina, I mean; I would cure her of +vanity well; for I would tell her that, if she chose to have her picture +drawn in this Book of Beauty, it should only be with a ring through her +nose, and two stars tattooed on her cheeks." + +"And a very good plan too," said Marian, laughing; "but I am afraid +poor Selina cannot be in such good hands. See, here are the impertinent +people writing verses about her, as if they had any business to ask +her what she is thinking about. Listen, Gerald; did you ever hear such +stuff?" + + "Lady, why that radiant smile, + Matching with that pensive brow, + Like sunbeams on some mountain pile + Glowing on solemn heights of snow? + + "Lady, why that glance of thought, + Joined to that arch lip of mirth, + Like shade by fleecy cloudlet brought + Over some paradise of earth? + + "Yea, thou may'st smile, the world for thee + Is opening all its fairest bowers; + Yet in that earnest face I see + These may not claim thy dearest hours. + + "But for thy brow, thy smile we deem + The gladsome mirth of fairy sprite; + But for thy smile, thy mien would seem + Some angel's from the world of light. + + "Yet laughing lip and thoughtful brow + Are depths and gleams of mortal life; + Angel and fay, of us art thou, + Then art a woman and a wife!" + +"What would they have her to be? a husband?" said Gerald. + +Here Caroline and Clara came hastily in, eager to see the portrait and +read the verses, and very far were they from being able to imagine why +she did not like the portrait. Caroline owned that there might be a +little affectation, but she thought the beauty very considerable; and as +to Clara, she was in raptures, saying she never _did_ see any one half +so lovely. And as to the verses, they were the sweetest things she +ever read; and she carried them off to show to Miss Morley, who fully +sympathised with her. Marian found no one to share her opinion but +Gerald and Lionel, and their criticisms were unsparingly extended to +Lady Marchmont's features, as well as her expression, "Such mincing +lips! such untidy hair! Hollo! who has given her a black eye?" till they +had not left her a single beauty. + +Marian hoped the subject was quite forgotten, when she had hidden +away the book under all her others: but the nest time there was a +dinner-party, Mrs. Lyddell desired her to fetch it, to show to some one +who knew Lady Marchmont. She took it up stairs again us soon as she +could, but again and again was she obliged to bring it, and condemned to +hear it talked over and admired. One day when she was going wearily and +reluctantly up stairs, she was arrested by a call from Lionel, who +was creeping up outside the balusters in a fashion which had no +recommendation but its extreme difficulty and danger. + +"Eh, Marian, what, going after beauty again?" + +"I wish it was Beauty and the Beast," said Marian, disconsolately. +"There are different tastes in the world, that is certain; but don't +break that neck of yours, Lionel." + +Lionel replied by letting go with one hand and brandishing that and his +foot over the giddy space below. Marian frowned and squeezed up her +lips, but did not speak till it pleased him to draw himself in again, +and throw himself over the balusters before her, saying, "That is a +reward for you, Marian; Clara would have screeched." + +The next time Marian was desired to fetch the book, it was for a morning +visitor,--a broad, stately, pompous old lady, who had had the pleasure +of meeting Lady Marchmont, and thought Miss Arundel very like her. + +"Are you going after beauty?" said Lionel, again meeting Marian on the +stairs. + +"Yes," said Marian, with a sigh. + +"Well, I hope she will be pleased, that's all," said Lionel. + +Marian thought there was a meaning in this speech, but she was in haste, +and without considering it, ran down stairs again. As she was opening +the drawing-room door, she saw Gerald on the top of the stairs, calling +to her, "Marian, have you that book? O, wait--" + +"I cannot come now, Gerald," said she, entering the room, and shutting +the door after her. She laid the book on the table, and the page was +opened. + +"O beautiful!" exclaimed the old lady, "How exact a likeness!" + +"Why, Marian!" broke involuntarily from Mrs. Lyddell, and Marian, +looking at the print, could, in spite of her dismay, hardly keep from +laughing; for the elegant Lady Marchmont now appeared decorated with a +huge pair of mustachios, an elaborate jewelled ring in the nose, and a +wavy star on each cheek, and in the middle of the forehead; while over +the balustrade on which she was leaning there peeped a monster with +grotesque eyes, a pair of twisted horns, a parrot's beak, vulture's +claws, and a scaly tail stretching away in complicated spires far into +the distance. No one could for a moment doubt that this was Gerald's +work, and Marian felt sure that he had been thereto incited by Lionel. +Extreme was her consternation at the thought of the displeasure which he +had incurred; but in the mean time there was something very amusing +in the sight of the old lady beginning to perceive that something was +wrong, and yet not able to make it out, and not choosing to own her +difficulties. Mrs. Lyddell, though vexed and angry, carried it off very +well. "Ah! some mischief of the boys," said she, decidedly. "I am afraid +it is not fit to be seen." And so saying, she closed the book, and +changed the conversation. + +As soon as the visitor had taken leave, the scene was changed; Mrs. +Lyddell walked hastily to the table, threw open the book, and began to +examine into the degree of damage it had suffered. "I suppose you know +nothing of this, Marian?" said she, surveying her with one of her +quickest and most formidable glances. + +"O no," said Marian; "I am sure I am very sorry." + +"Well, I must inquire about it," said Mrs. Lyddell, taking up the +book, and hastening towards the school-room, followed by poor Marian, +trembling with all her heart for her brother, and somewhat for Lionel, +even though she could not help being angry with him for having got +Gerald into such a scrape. + +There stood the boys, looking partly exulting, partly frightened; Lionel +a little more of the first, Gerald a little more of the second; for +this was Gerald's first desperate piece of mischief, whereas Lionel had +survived many such. Besides, Gerald's handiwork was too evident to be +mistaken, while his companion's part in the folly could be known to no +one; and though it might be guessed at by Marian, Lionel thought she +might be trusted. + +The book was spread upon the table, and the expressions of horror from +the three ladies of the school-room were as strong as could reasonably +be expected. + +"Indeed," pleaded Miss Morley, in her deplorable tone, "I am continually +ordering Sir Gerald not to scribble in books, but he never will obey." + +"That is not true!" cried Gerald, in a loud, startling voice. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that is no proper manner of speaking; you +have behaved very ill already--do not add to your fault. Before any more +is said, beg Miss Morley's pardon." + +There was a silence, and she repeated, "I desire that you will ask Miss +Morley's pardon directly--still silent? what is the meaning of this?" + +Gerald stood bolt upright, and very rigid; poor Marian glancing +appealingly, first at him, then at Mrs. Lyddell, then at Miss Morley, +all equally without effect. She saw it all--that he might have been +brought to own that be had done wrong about this individual case; but +that the sweeping accusation of disobeying orders, which, as they all +knew, were never given with anything like decision, had roused a proud, +determined sense of injustice, and that he was ready to suffer anything +rather than apologise. She was wild to speak, to do something; yet what +could she attempt? + +Mrs. Lyddell would not begin upon the book-scribbling subject till she +had conquered the spirit of defiance, and continued to insist on his +begging Miss Morley's pardon; but the more she ordered, the more +determined he grew. There he stood, his proud, dark eye fixed on a +picture on the wall, his lip curled with a sort of disdain, and an +expression in his whole motionless figure that, had his cause but been +good, would have been resolution, whereas it now was only indomitable +self-will and pride. + +At any rate, it was an expression that showed that he was not to be +conquered by woman, though he might have been won over by her: and Mrs. +Lyddell had tact enough to give up the battle without owning herself +defeated, and without further discussion said, "Go to your own room, +Gerald; I shall give you time to reflect and get the better of your +obstinacy. You may come here again when you are ready to ask Miss Morley +to forgive you for your very improper conduct towards her." + +Without turning to the right or left,--without one look towards his +sister, Gerald walked out of the room, and even shut the door after him +gently. Poor Marian, who could guess all that she felt? + +"This is very extraordinary," said Mrs. Lyddell, "so well-behaved a boy +as he is in general." + +"Ah! boys of his age always get quite beyond ladies' management," said +Miss Morley. + +"Such determined obstinacy!" said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"Perhaps he did not understand you," said Marian, unable to keep from +saying something, though she could not in her agitation think of +anything to the purpose. + +"Understand? that is nonsense, Marian. What was there to understand? +He spoke very improperly, find I desire him to apologise; and if he is +obstinate, it is very wrong of you to defend him." + +Marian was silenced, though her heart was swelling and her temples +throbbing. In another minute Mrs. Lyddell was summoned to some more +company, and Marian had nothing worse to hear than her companions' +commiseration for the book, and declarations that India rubber would do +it no good. + +The afternoon passed away, and nothing was heard of Gerald: indeed, +Marian understood him well enough to expect that nothing would be heard. +As she was on her way to her own room, looking wistfully at his door, +Lionel overtook her; and thumping her hard on the back, exclaimed, +"Isn't it a jolly beast, Marian?" + +"O, Lionel, it was very naughty of you. How could you make Gerald behave +so ill?" + +"Never mind, Marian, he will get out of it soon enough. Come, don't be +savage; we did it all for your good." + +"My good! how can you talk such nonsense?" + +"Why, I'll bet you anything you like, that mamma will never be for +having the little beastie down to show the company." + +Marian half smiled; it was pleasant to find that, towards her at least, +the boys' intention had been anything but unkind, but still she hardly +knew how to be placable with Lionel when he had led her brother into +mischief, and then left him to bear all the blame. + +"It was very wrong," she repeated. + +"Come, don't be cross, Marian. You don't mean that you really cared for +that trumpery picture?" + +"I did not care for it so much," said she, "but it was a valuable book, +and it was very kind of your papa to give it to me, so I was sorry to +have it spoilt." + +"Won't it rub out?" said Lionel. + +"No, of course not." + +"I thought pencil always did." + +"And then, Lionel, why could you not have thought what disgrace you were +leading Gerald into?" + +"You don't think, Marian, I was going to be shabby enough to leave +Gerald alone in the scrape? No, if I do, I'll give you leave to tell of +me or do whatever you please; but you see now he is not in disgrace for +drawing that pretty little beast, but for giving poor unfortunate a bit +of his mind, so what use would there be in my putting my neck into the +noose before my time? No, if Gerald is the fellow I take him for, and +stands out about begging her pardon, the whole business of the book will +blow over, and we shall hear no more of it." + +Marian shook her head. "O, Lionel, if you would only think whether a +thing is right before you do it!" + +"How can you wish me to be so stupid, Marian?" + +"I am sure, Lionel, the funniest, merriest people that I know, think +most about what is right." + +"Well, that may do in Devonshire perhaps," said Lionel, stretching +himself, "but it won't here except with you. Indeed there is nobody else +that I know of that does make such a fuss about right and wrong, except +Walter, and he hasn't got an atom of fun to bless himself with." + +"But, Lionel, what good will all the fun in the world do us when we come +to die?" said Marian, whispering. + +The boy looked full at her, but would not show that he felt any force +in her words. "I don't mean to die just yet," he said, and by way of +escaping from the subject he mounted on the balusters, and was sliding +down as he had often done before, when by some hitch or some slip he +lost his balance, and slid down without the power to stop himself. +Marian thought him gone, and with suspended breath stood, in an agony of +horror, listening for his fall on the stones of the hall far beneath; +but the next moment she saw that he had been stopped by the turn of the +staircase, and the instinct of self-preservation had made him cling fast +to the rail with both hands, though he was unable to recover his footing +on the narrow ledge of the steps beyond it. She did not scream or call, +she ran down to the landing place--how she did it she knew not--but she +threw her arms round him and succeeded in lifting and dragging him over +the rail, which was not very high, till he stood on the safe side of the +balusters, Her heart beat, her head swam, and she was obliged to sit +down on the step and pant for breath; Lionel leant against the wall, +for his nerve was not restored for a moment or two, after his really +frightful peril. Not a word was spoken, and perhaps it was better that +none should pass between them. Mr. Lyddell's step was heard ascending, +and they both hurried away as fast as they could. + +No one was told of the adventure, it was not Marian's part to speak +of it, if indeed she _could_ have done so, and it did not appear that +Lionel chose to mention it. Perhaps it was that he did not like to enter +upon it seriously, and it had been too much of an answer to his light +speech to be made a laughing matter. At any rate he was silent, and +Marian was very glad of it. + +Mr. Lyddell was coming up to visit the prisoner and try if he could +bring him to reason, but it soon transpired that all his attempts had +been in vain, even though he came to a threat that unless Gerald made +his submission before the next day was at an end, he should be sent to +school with Lionel at the end of another fortnight. + +Marian's distress increased, she was equally wretched at her brother's +increasing misbehaviour and at its punishment, It was provoking to see +Johnny walking about in all the grandeur and self-consequence of being +quite out of the scrape, and evidently rejoicing that Gerald was in +it; it was provoking to hear Miss Morley and the girls wondering, even +Saunders' pity was provoking, and there was nothing that gave her the +least comfort but the perception that Lionel was certainly graver and +more subdued. + +She was allowed to go to her brother for a little while that evening, +with some hope that she might prevail with him. She found him leaning +against the window in the failing light, listlessly watching the horses +and grooms in the mews, which his high window overlooked. He turned his +head as she came in, but without speaking, and then looked back at the +window, till she came up to him, put her arm round his neck and turned +his face towards her. It was a sullen, dogged countenance, such as she +had seldom or never seen him wear before. + +"Gerald, dear Gerald, what is the meaning of this? You never used to +behave so?" + +"I never was served so before," muttered he. + +"You have drawn it on yourself. Why will you not submit and ask her +pardon?" + +"What should I ask pardon for? I said nothing but the truth." + +"How can you say so. Gerald? Did you not know that you ought not to +scribble in books? Can you say that Miss Morley has not often spoken to +you about the Atlas?" + +"If you call 'O Sir Gerald!' and 'O you sad boy,' desiring me in a +rational way, I don't," said Gerald, imitating the tones, "laughing and +letting me go on; I thought she liked it." + +"Now seriously, Gerald." + +"Well, I mean that she did not care. If people tell me a thing they +should make me mind them." + +"You should mind without being made, Gerald. + +"I would if I thought them in earnest. But now, Marian, was it not a +horrid shame of her to speak just as if I had been always disobeying +her on purpose, making Mrs. Lyddell go into a rage with me for what was +entirely her own fault?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you cannot say it was her fault that you spoilt the +picture." + +"I think she ought to beg my pardon for telling such stories about me," +repeated Gerald sullenly. + +"Recollect yourself, Gerald, you know she meant that she had put you in +mind that you ought not; and don't you think that, true or not, your +speech was very rude?" + +"If I was to beg her pardon it would mean that she spoke the truth, +which she did not, for she never took any pains to prevent me from +drawing in the map-book, or any where else." + +"It would not mean any such thing if you were to say, 'Miss Morley, I +misunderstood you, and I am sorry I was so rude.' I am sure you must be +sorry for that, for it was not at all like a gentleman. Will you come +and say so?" + +"You're like the rest," mumbled Gerald, turning his back upon her, and +sitting like a stock. + +"Don't you think it would be the best way? Would it not make you +happier? O what is the use of being obstinate and disobedient? Think of +going to school in disgrace. O! Gerald, Gerald, what is to be done?" + +Still she spoke with earnest pauses and anxious looks, but without the +least effect, and at last she said, "Well, Gerald, I must go, and very +much grieved I am. How would dear mamma like to see her little boy going +on in this way?" + +She went to the door and looked back again there, and beheld Gerald, +with his hands over his face, striving to suppress a burst of sobbing. +She sprung to him, and would have thrown her arms round his neck, but he +pushed her off roughly, and with strong effort, drove back the tears, +and put on an iron face again. Again she entreated, but he would not +open his lips or give the least sign of listening, or of attending to +any persuasion, and she was obliged to leave him at last without hope of +subduing his obstinacy. How far he was now from being the gentle, good +child that he once had been! and by whose fault was it? Her spirit +burned with indignation against those who, as she thought, had worked +the change, and O! where was the influence from which Edmund hoped so +much? + +The next day was long and miserable, for Gerald gave no sign of +yielding, but remained shut up in his room, maintaining an absolute +silence, when, at different times, Mrs. Lyddell went to visit him, and +assure him that Mr. Lyddell was fixed in his determination to send him +to school if he did not yield before the time of grace was up. + +The time of grace was at an end the next morning, and at nine o'clock, +Gerald was summoned to the dining-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell were +at breakfast. He wanted to carry it off with a high hand, but his long +day of solitude had dulled him, and he looked pale and weary. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "I am sorry you have so persisted in your +misbehaviour to oblige us to punish you, as we threatened to do. Are you +now willing to own that you did wrong?" + +"I ought not to have spoilt the book," said Gerald boldly, "and I was +rude to Miss Morley." + +"There is a brave boy," said Mr. Lyddell, very much relieved. "Well, +Gerald, I am glad you have given, in at last; I hate obstinacy, as I +told you yesterday, but that is over, and we will say no more about it; +only you know we told you that you should be sent to school, and we must +keep our word." + +"Yes," said Gerald, trying not to let a muscle of his face relax; though +now the die was cast, his consternation at the thought of school was +considerable. + +"Well, you may go," said Mr. Lyddell, "and remember that obstinacy must +be got out of a boy some way or other." + +Gerald went, and soon entered the schoolroom, where he walked up to Miss +Morley, saying, "I am sorry I was rude to you the day before yesterday." + +"Ah! Sir Gerald, I was sure your better sense--your generous spirit--but +I hope your submission--I hope Mr. Lyddell forgives--overlooks--" + +"I am to go to school when Lionel does, if that is what you mean," +replied Gerald, and then he came up to his sister, and looked earnestly, +yet with an inquiring shyness into her face. Marian might have been +hopeful, for his manner showed that it was for her opinion that he +really cared; but she was sad and unhappy at seeing his pride still so +far from being subdued, and though her heart yearned towards him, she +shook her head and looked coldly away from him to her book. + +Gerald was chilled and went back to Lionel, who had plenty of ready +sympathy for him; a story half caught from his mamma's report, half +guessed at, that the old lady had looked full at the beast's curly tail, +and had said she had never seen anything so like Lady Marchmont; the +assertion of his own certainty that Gerald would never give in nor own +that poor unfortunate had spoken the truth, and Gerald felt triumphant, +as if his self-will had been something heroic, and his imprisonment and +going to school a martyrdom. It did not last, Gerald's nature was gentle +and retiring; he dreaded strangers, and his heart sank when he thought +of school. He wanted his sister to comfort him, but he would soon be out +of her reach. No Marian--all boys--all strange, and there was no help +for it now. Gerald rested his forehead against the window and gulped +down rising tears. But when he found himself on the point of being left +alone with Marian, his pride rose, and he would not confess that he had +been wrong or that he was unhappy, so he ran down stairs to find the +other boys and to get out of her way. + +So it went on, Marian was very unhappy at this loss of his confidence; +but the more she attempted to talk to him, the more he avoided her, +being resolved not to show how great his dislike and dread of school +was. + +"Gerald," said Lionel, the last day before they were to go, "I have been +thinking I should like to give Marian something instead of that book." + +"So should I," said Gerald, delighted with the idea, for he was feeling +all the time that he was vexing his sister, and wishing to do something +by way of compensation. + +"I did not mean you," said Lionel, "for it----for you would never have +been sharp enough to think of the beast for yourself. I only told you +because you could tell me what she would like best. Papa has just given +me a sovereign." + +"He has given me another," said Gerald, "and we will put them together, +and do it handsomely." + +"Well, what shall it be? Not that stupid book over again." + +"O no, no, she has had enough of that already, and there are plenty of +other books that she wants." + +"No, don't let it be a book," said Lionel; "I can't think how anybody +can like reading, when they can help it." + +"Well, I do like some reading, when it is a shipwreck, or a famous +bloody battle," said Gerald. + +"Yes, but then it makes one's eyes ache so." + +"It does not mine." + +"Well, if I go on long it always makes mine ache," said Lionel. "And +don't the letters look green and dance about, when you read by candle +light?" + +"No," said Gerald. "How funny that is, Lionel. But I'll tell you what, +we will get Walter to take us out, and we shall be sure to see something +famous, in some shop-window or other." + +Walter was at home for the Easter vacation, and under his protection the +boys were allowed to go out. Very patient he was, and wisely did he +give his counsel in the important choice which, if left to the boys +themselves, might probably have been really something famous. Marian +would have been grateful to him, had she known all that he averted from +her, a stuffed fox, an immense pebble brooch, a pair of slippers covered +with sportive demons. At every shop which furnished guns, knives, or +fishing tackle, they stopped and lamented that she was not a boy, +there was nothing in the world fit for girls; they tried a bazaar, and +pronounced everything trumpery, and Walter was beginning to get into +despair, when at last Lionel came to a stop before a print shop, calling +out, "Hollo, Gerald, here's Beauty and the Beast itself!" + +It was the beautiful engraving from Raphael's picture of + + Saint Margaret in meekness treading + Upon the dragon 'neath her spreading. + +And Walter, rejoicing that their choice was likely to fall on anything +which a young lady might be so glad to possess, conducted them into the +shop, and gave all the desired assistance in effecting the purchase. It +was a fine impression, and the price was so high as to leave the boys' +finances at rather a low ebb; but Walter, in his secret soul, thought +this by no means to be regretted, since it was much better for them +that it should be generously spent at once in this manner, than that it +should be frittered away in the unaccountable and vain manner in which +he had usually seen schoolboys' money wasted. + +So S. Margaret was bought and rolled up, and so afraid were the boys +that she should not be rightly sent home, that they insisted on carrying +her themselves, and almost quarrelled as to which should have the first +turn. + +Marian, on coming into her room, found both the boys on the top of the +chest of drawers, trying to pin the print up against the wall, and +though her arrival caused them some discomfiture, it was on the whole +a fortunate circumstance, since it saved the corners from extensive +damage. + +"O Lionel! O Gerald! how beautiful! how very nice! What a lovely face! +Is it really for me? How I do thank you, but I am afraid you have spent +all your money." + +"It is a better Beauty and the Beast than the old one," said Gerald, +"Isn't it, Marian?" + +"A better beauty, but not a better beast," said Lionel. + +"It is very beautiful indeed," said Marian; "I shall get a frame for it, +and it will always put me in mind of you both." + +"Yes, you will always think of me when you look at the beauty," said +Lionel, "and of Gerald when you look at the beast." + +"S. Margaret and the dragon! I wish I knew the story," said Marian; +"but I suppose it is an allegory like that of S. George. How good and +innocent she looks! Yes, see, Gerald, she is walking pure and white +through the park forest, and conquering the dragon. You see the palm in +the hand for victory. So innocent and so fearless." + +"I thought it would be one of those funny Roman Catholic stories, like +what Caroline was reading one day," said Lionel. + +"I don't like making fun of those," said Marian. "They often mean a +great deal, if you don't laugh at them, and tell them properly. I +am sure this print is to put us in mind of how we are to overcome +temptation, and I do like it very much. Thank you both." + +Lionel was here called away, but Gerald remained, and proceeded to a +more minute examination of the beauties of the print, of which he was +very proud. + +"O, Gerald, dear, if we could be like it," said Marian. + +"Like it? That you'll never be, Marian; your hair is too black." + +"Yes, but like it within. Pure and clear from sin in the midst of a bad +world. I shall look at it and think of that very often, and you must +think too, Gerald." + +"I mean to be good at school," said Gerald. + +And leaning against his sister, he let her talk to him as in times of +old, advising him with all her might, for he really liked it, and was +comfortable in having it so, though he would have been ashamed to +own that he did. Her advice was at once childish and wise; sometimes +sensible, sometimes impracticable. Let any sister of fourteen think what +counsel she would give a brother of nine if he would but listen to her, +and she will have a very fair idea of it. Gerald listened and promised +earnestly, and she thought, hoped, and trusted that his promises would +be kept: she reminded him of all that could strengthen his resolution, +and talked of the holidays with what cheer she might. She had copied out +a morning and evening prayer from her own treasured book, rather than +give him such another, because she thought he would perhaps heed them +more in her handwriting, and she now gave them to him, folded up in a +neat little silk case, which he could keep without observation. How she +put her arm round him and pressed him towards her as she gave them into +his hand, and felt that she was doing what her mother would have done, +so earnestly, so tearfully, so much more impressively. O was she +watching them now? + +The brother and sister were interrupted at last, and called down to tea. +The evening passed away heavily, spent as it was for the most part in +the drawing-room; and the last thing before the boys went to bed, Lionel +pushing Gerald roughly off, held Marian fast by the hand, and whispered +in her ear, "I say--you've written out something for Gerald." + +"Yes," she answered, horrified that he should have found it out. + +"Would you mind doing it for me? Don't tell any one." + +Was not this a pleasure? Marian sat up in her dressing-gown that night +to write the prayers in her very clearest writing, for she knew Lionel +never liked to read what was not large and clear, and she guessed that +late in the evening, after all his lessons, he would have too many +"green and blue monsters," as he used to call them, before his eyes, +to be willing to give them more work than he could possibly help. She +thought her mamma would have been very uneasy if she had heard of those +green and blue monsters, and she wondered whether Mrs. Lyddell knew +or cared about them, but Lionel was one of the least regarded of the +family, and nobody but Johnny ever thought it worth while to make a +trifling complaint to her. It was far worse that Lionel should be left +to obtain a form of private prayer by such a chance as this. Alas! alas +for them all! She was too unhappy to think more of Lionel, and in the +midst of earnest prayers for Gerald, she cried herself asleep. + +Poor child, she was too miserable all the next day to give us any +pleasure in contemplating her. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + "Too soon the happy child + His nook of homeward thought will change; + For life's seducing wild; + Too son his altered day-dreams show + This earth a boundless space, + With sunbright pleasures to and fro, + Coursing in joyous race." + + _Christian Year_. + + +A couple of weeks had passed away, and Marian was beginning to feel +rather more accustomed to the absence of Gerald and Lionel, and to find +pleasure in the letters which spoke of her brother taking a good place, +and from which it did not appear that he disliked school so much as she +had feared. Still she could not but miss him grievously, and feel the +want of some one to cling to her, bring his troubles to her, and watch +for moments of private conference. Her days seemed to follow each other +without animation or interest; and if it had not been for some of her +lessons, and for his letters and Agnes Wortley's, she felt as if she +could have done nothing but yawn till the holidays. + +One day, as the young ladies were returning from a walk in the park, +they saw a carriage standing at their own door,--too frequent an +occurrence, as Marian thought, to call for such warm interest as Clara +expressed. Yet even Marian grew eager when she heard her cousins exclaim +that there was a coronet on it,--a Viscount's coronet. They were now +close to the house, just about to ring, when the door opened, the +visitor came out, and at that moment Marian sprang forward with a joyful +face, but without a word. The lady held out both hands, and standing on +the top of the steps of the door, she drew Marian up to her, and kissed +her on each cheek with great eagerness, completely regardless of the +spectators. + +"Marian, dear little Marian herself! I was afraid I had quite missed +you, though I waited as long as I could. You look like your own self, +little pale cheeks! Well, I must not stay; I have arranged with Mrs. +Lyddell for you to spend to-morrow with me. I will send the carriage for +you, and you know how much I have to show you--my husband and my son! +You will come, Marian? Not a word? Ah! your own way. Good-bye; you will +find your tongue to-morrow. Good-bye." + +She let go the hands and sprang into the carriage, giving a smile and +nod as she drove off, that filled Marian's soul, almost to overflowing, +with a rush of memories. It was as if she was no longer standing on the +hard steps, with black streets, and tall, dingy yellow houses bounding +her view, and carriages thundering in her ears; no longer lonely among +numbers, but as if she was on the bright green grass-plat by the +Manor-House door, the myrtles and sycamore nodding round her; the +shadows of the clouds chasing each other in purple spots over the +moors; her father at the window; her mother, Gerald, Edmund, Agnes, all +standing round; that sweet voice, with, that same bright smile, that +same arch little nod, repeating the "good-bye," and speaking of meeting +next year; and Marian herself thinking how very long a year would be. +And now two years had passed since that time, and such years! How +much older Marian felt! But there was Selina--Selina herself, not the +Beauty--that was enough for joy! + +Marian was roused from her dream by exclamations of delight and +admiration from her cousins, "How very beautiful!" "O, I never saw +anything so lovely!" "Marian, how could you say that she was not like +her picture?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, gradually waking from her trance. + +"Don't you think her the most beautiful creature you ever saw?" + +"I don't know." + +"Don't know!" cried Caroline, impatiently. "Do you know whether your +head is on or not?" + +"I don't--nonsense," said Marian, laughing heartily, "The fact was, I +never had time to look or think whether she was pretty; I only saw she +was just like herself." + +"Well, Marian; so you met her?" said Mrs. Lyddell's voice in its most +delighted tone, at the top of the stairs. "I never saw a more charming +person. So very handsome, and so elegant, and so very agreeable. You +have heard of her invitation?" + +"Yes; thank you for letting me go," said Marian. + +"O yes, of course! I am delighted that you should have the advantage of +such an acquaintance. I hope it will be quite an intimacy. I am sure +whenever--Well, certainly, I never met with anything more fascinating. +She spoke of you with such affection, my dear; I am sure she must be the +most delightful person!" + +Marian was not suffered to proceed up stairs till she had been told +all the particulars of Lady Marchmont's visit, and had answered many +questions respecting her; and, when she went up to the school-room, +it was the same thing. The party there seemed to look upon their good +fortune, in having had a sight of her, something as if they had seen +the Queen, or "the Duke;" and it was with a sort of awe that Clara +pronounced the words "Lady Marchmont," as she talked over every +particular of her dress and deportment. + +All this in some degree perplexed Marian. Titled ladies were by no means +unusual among Mrs. Lyddell's visitors, and did not create anything +like this sensation; and she had not been used at home to hear Selina +Grenville talked of as anything more than a wild, gay-tempered girl, +whose character for wisdom did not stand very high. To be sure she was +now married, and that might make a difference; but then Edmund had since +spoken of her as giddy, and as if he had not the highest idea of her +discretion. Moreover, it struck Marian herself that she had spoken of +her husband and child just as if they were two playthings, to be shown +off. Of course that was only in fun, but Marian's was the time of life +to have great ideas of the requisite gravity of demeanour in a married +woman. Altogether, much as she loved Selina, and clever and engaging +as she thought her, it astonished her not a little to find that the +relationship conferred upon herself such distinction in the eyes of her +cousins; and she spent the evening and the next morning alternately in +speculations of this kind, hopes of a home-like day, and fears that +Selina after all might prove the affected Viscountess of the Wreath of +Beauty. + +The time came, the carriage was sent punctually, and in due time Marian +was being marshalled up the broad staircase by the tall servants, in all +the trepidation of making her first visit in state on her own account, +and feeling at every step as if she was getting further into the Wreath +of Beauty. Across a great drawing-room,--such a beautiful grand room,--a +folding door is opened; "Miss Arundel" is announced, and there she +stands in all her stiffness. + +There was a little table near the fire, and beside it sat Lady +Marchmont, writing notes, in the plainest and most becoming of morning +dresses,--a sort of brown holland looking thing, with a plain, stiff, +white collar, and a dark blue ribbon, her only ornament, except one +large gold bracelet. Her hair was twisted in glossy sunny waves behind +her ear, as in some Greek statues; her blue eyes were bright and +lustrous, and nothing was ever clearer and more delicate than the slight +tinge of red on her cheeks. Lord Marchmont was standing leaning on the +mantelshelf, apparently in consultation with her. + +As soon as Marian entered, Selina's pen was thrown down, and she flew +forward, throwing her arms round her little cousin, and kissing her +repeatedly. Then, her arm round Marian's neck, and her hand on her +shoulder, she led her towards Lord Marchmont, who stepped forward to +receive her, saying, "Yes, here she is, here is your little cousin; and +hero, Marian, here is your great cousin. Now I would give five shillings +to know what you think of each other." + +"I suppose one part of that pleasure will only be deferred till I am out +of the room," said Lord Marchmont, as he shook hands with Marian in a +kind, cordial, cousinly manner. He was a brown, strong-featured man of +three or four and thirty, hardly young enough, and far from handsome +enough, in Marian's very youthful eyes, to be suited to his wife, but +very sensible and good-natured looking. + +"No, Marian is a safe person, and will get no further than 'I don't +know;' at least if she is the Marian I take her for," said Lady +Marchmont. + +"Very prudent," was his answer, smiling at Marian; and then, in +compassion to her confusion, gathering up his papers, and preparing to +depart. + +"Are you going?" said his wife. "Well, I do you the justice to say that, +under the circumstances, it is the wisest proceeding in your power; for +I shall not get three words out of Marian all the time you are here." + +After a few more words of consultation on their own affairs, he left the +room, and then Selina caught hold of Marian again, and said she must +have a thorough good look at her all over, to see how much of dear old +Fern Torr she had brought with her. + +Selina Grenville was the youngest daughter of a sister of Sir Edmund +Arundel, who had, like the rest of her family, died early. She had been +a good deal abroad with her father and a married sister. Her uncommon +beauty and engaging manners gained her, when she was little more than +eighteen, the affection of Lord Marchmont, a more distant connection +of the Arundel family; and happily for Selina, she appreciated him +sufficiently to return his love so thoroughly, as to lay aside all the +little coquetries which had hitherto been the delight of her life; and +to devote herself to him even as he deserved. + +It might have been that the poem had said too much in pronouncing her to +be a woman as well as a wife; for Selina Marchmont was almost as much of +a child as Selina Grenville had been, and only now and then did those +deeper shades of thought pass over her face, which showed how much soul +there was within her as yet only half developed. Her manners were almost +more playful than suited her position, though they became her perfectly; +her husband delighted in them; but it was this that had given her grave +and saddened cousin, Edmund, an impression that her sense was not of a +high order. + +She was very warm-hearted. She had been exceedingly attached to her +uncle and aunt at Fern Torr; and now it seemed as if she could never +fondle Marian enough. The first thing was to show her baby, but she +premised that she did not expect Marian to go into raptures about him; +she never did expect any one to like babies. "In fact, Marian," she +whispered, "don't betray me, but I am a wee bit afraid of him myself. It +is such a very little live thing, and that nurse of his never will let +me have any comfort with him, and never will trust me to get acquainted +with him in a _tete-a-tete_, poor little man! O, here he comes! the +Honourable William James Bertram Marchmont--his name nearly as long as +himself." + +In came a broad, tall, dignified nurse, large enough to have made at +least four Selinas, carrying a small bundle of long white robes. Selina +took the little bundle in her arms rather timidly, and held it for +Marian to see. Pew babies were ever looked at more silently; he was a +small, but pretty, healthy-looking child of between two and three months +old,--a very wax doll of a baby, with little round mottled arms moving +about, and tiny hands flourishing helplessly, he looked just fit for his +mamma. She held him with the fond, proud, almost over care with which +little girls take for a moment some new brother or sister; and as she +gazed upon him without a word, the earnest intensity of expression +gathered upon her beautiful face. After about five minutes thus spent, +she roused herself, and began gaily to tell Marian not to trouble +herself to seek for a likeness in him to anybody, or to say anything so +wild as that he in the least resembled her or his papa; and then she +nodded and smiled at him, and seemed as if she would have talked to him +and played with him, if his nurse had not been standing close by all the +time, looking as if she was being defrauded of her property. + +"It is time Master Marchmont should be taken out before the sun goes +off, my Lady," said she, authoritatively. + +"Very well, I suppose he must," said Selina, reluctantly giving him back +again after a timid kiss. + +"There goes my lady nurse and her child," said she with a sigh, hidden +even from herself by a laugh. "I am sure he seems a great deal more hers +than mine; but there, I should never know what to do with him. Come, +Marian, now for all about yourself, my poor child. How do they use you?" + +Much indeed there was to hear; and much to tell on either side, and +scarcely for a moment did the two cousins cease from talking as they sat +together in the morning, and drove together in the afternoon. Selina was +one of those people who have a wonderful power of dispelling reserve, +chiefly by their own frankness; and when she had told Marian all the +history of her first sight of Lord Marchmont, and the whole courtship, +and all that she had thought "so very noble" in him, and tried to make +her understand how very happy she was, Marian's heart was open in her +turn. Not the depths of it,--not such things as by a great effort she +had told to Edmund, and might possibly tell to Mrs. Wortley, but much +more than she could ever have said to any one else; and free and +abundant was the sympathy and pity she received,--pity even beyond what +she thought she deserved. She was surprised to observe that Selina spoke +of the Lyddells with a sort of contempt, as if they were wanting in +refinement; whereas she herself had never thought of their being +otherwise than lady-like, and certainly very fashionable; but she +supposed Lady Marchmont knew best, and was pleased to find herself +considered superior. Gerald was of course one of their subjects of +conversation, and gradually Marian, with her strict regard to truth, +from a little unguardedness, found herself involved in a tangle from +which there was no escape, without telling the whole story of the Wreath +of Beauty. + +She need not have been afraid; Selina laughed as if nothing would ever +make her cease, and insisted on Marian's bringing the portrait the next +time she came to visit her. She vowed that she would patronise Lionel +for ever for his cleverness; and when Marian looked sorrowful about the +consequences, she told her that it was much better for Gerald to be at +school, and she was very glad he was gone; and then she patted Marian's +shoulder, and begged that she would not think her very cruel for saying +so. + +Marian was very glad to be able to acquit her of vanity, when she heard +the history of the insertion of the engraving, which had been entreated +for by persons whom Lord Marchmont did not like to disoblige. The +engraving both he and Selina disliked very much; and when Marian saw the +original portrait, she perceived that the affectation did not reside +there, for it was very beautiful, and the only fault to be found with it +was chiefly attributable to the fact that miniatures always make +people look so pretty, that this did not give the idea of a person so +surpassingly lovely as Selina. + +Lord Marchmont came in several times to speak to his wife, but Marian +did not see much of him till dinner-time, and then she liked him very +much. He was certainly rather a grave person, and she wondered to see +how Selina could be so merry with him; but he was evidently amused, +and Marian had yet to learn how a clever and much occupied man likes +nonsense to be talked to him and before him in his hours of relaxation. +He behaved to Marian herself very kindly, and just as if she was a +grown-up person,--a treat which she had scarcely enjoyed since she left +Fern Torr; and though she was silent, as usual when with strangers, it +was with no uncomfortable shyness: she was more at ease already with him +than with Mr. Lyddell. + +Selina told him the history of Gerald's works of art in so droll a +manner, that Marian herself saw it in a much funnier aspect than she had +ever done before. He was much diverted, and turning to Marian, said, +with seriousness that would have alarmed her, but for Selina's laughter, +and a certain sub-smile about the corners of his mouth, that he hoped he +was not to take the Beast as anything personal. Selina told him that she +wanted him to convince Marian that it was a very good thing for Gerald +to be sent to school, and he set to work to do so in earnest with much +kindness, and by asking sundry questions about her brother's attainments +and tastes, he so won her, that she was ready to do him the honour of +acknowledging him as one of her own cousins. + +The evening came too soon to an end, though the carriage had not been +ordered to take Marian home, till ten o'clock. It had all been like one +dream of brightness, and Marian, when she awoke the next morning, could +hardly believe that it was the truth that she had enjoyed herself so +much, and that a house containing such happiness for her could be in +London or so near her. + +The schoolroom looked very black and dull after the bright little +sitting-room where she had parted with Selina; the lessons were +wearisome, her companions more uncongenial than ever; she felt actually +cross at the examination to which Clara subjected her about every trifle +she could think of, in the house of Marchmont. She could have talked of +its delights if there had been anybody to care about them in her own +way, but that was the great if of Marian's life. She was conscious +that her day's pleasure had unhinged her, and made her present tasks +unusually distasteful, and she thought it the fault of the Lyddells, and +in a great fit of repining blamed Edmund for injustice to Selina in +not letting her house be their home. Her great hope was of another day +there, the only thing that seemed to give a brightness to her life, and +she looked forward to an intercourse between Lady Marchmont and Mrs. +Lyddell, which would produce continual meetings. + +However, time passed on, and she did not see Selina. Mrs. Lyddell took +her when she went to return the visit, but Lady Marchmont was not at +home. It was not till after more than a fortnight that she received a +little note from her, saying that they were going to a show of flowers, +and would send for Marian to go with them. + +There was quite a commotion in the house on the occasion; not that all +were not willing that Marian should go, but that Mrs. Lyddell thought +her dress not at all fit; the plain straw bonnet which Marian _would_ +buy, in spite of all that could be said to the contrary, and that old +black silk dress which did very well just for going to Church in, with a +governess, but---- + +Mrs. Lyddell and Saunders were for once in their lives agreed; and +Marian, who thought her money would have served her this time to +fulfil her grand scheme of buying Tytler's History of Scotland, was +overpowered, and obliged to let them have their will, and wear it +outside her head, in white silk; instead of inside, in Robert Bruce's +wanderings. + +She was quite ready, in new bonnet and mantle, by the time Lady +Marchmont's carriage was at the door, and very happy she was to find +herself by her side again. Perhaps there was a little consciousness +of newness in the manner in which she wore them, for Lady Marchmont +remarked upon them, and said that they were very pretty, as in fact they +were. Marian looked disconsolate, and Selina laughingly asked why. She +told her former wishes, and was further laughed at, or rather Mrs. +Lyddell was. Selina said the old bonnet would have done just as well; +"it was so like such people to smarten up for a great occasion." + +Such people! Marian wondered again, and disliked her white bonnet more +than ever, resolving for the future to trust her own taste. She soon +forgot all this, however, in the pleasure of seeing green grass and +trees, and the beautiful, most beautiful flowers, with their delicious +perfume. This was real delight, such as she had never imagined before, +and she thought she could have studied the wonderful forms of those +tropical plants for ever, if it had not been for the crowds of people, +and for a little awe of Lord Marchmont, who had given her his arm, and +who did not seem to know or care much even for the dove orchis or the +zebra-striped pitcher-plant. She wished she could turn him into Edmund, +and looked at every plant which she fancied a native of the Cape, almost +as kindly as if it had been a primrose of Fern Torr. + +It was another delightful day. Marian went back with her friends, +and sat by while Selina was dressed for an evening party, heard a +description of her home in the country, and gave a very unflattering one +of Oakworthy, gained somehow or other a renewed impression of her own +superiority to the Lyddells, and went home to indulge in another fit of +discontent. + +Such were Marian's visits to Lady Marchmont, and such their effect. Mrs. +Lyddell did much indeed that was calculated to give strength to the +feeling by the evident pride which she took in Marian's familiarity with +Lady Marchmont, and even in the cold, distant, formal civility with +which she herself was treated. + +There was danger around Marian which she did not understand, the world +was tempting her in a different way. She disliked what she saw among the +Lyddells too much to find their worldly tastes and tempers infectious, +but her intercourse with Selina was a temptation in a new form. She +loved Selina so heartily as to see with her eyes, and be led by her in +opinions: especially when these were of a kind according with her own +character. It was from her that Marian imbibed the idea that she was to +be pitied for living in her present home, not because Mrs. Lyddell's +mind was set on earth and earthly things, but because she did not belong +to those elite circles which Marian learnt to believe her own proper +place. Edmund had told her she might stand on high ground, and she +believed him, but was this such high ground as he meant? The danger did +not strike Marian, because it did not seem to her like pride, since the +distinction, whatever it was, did not consist in rank; she would have +had a horror of valuing herself on being a baronet's daughter, but this +more subtle difference flattered her more refined feelings of vanity; +and though she was far from being conscious of it, greatly influenced +her frame of mind, and her conduct towards her cousins. It was not +without reason now that Caroline thought her proud. + +It must not, however, be supposed that this was Marian's abiding frame +of mind; it was rather the temper which was infused into her by each +successive visit to Selina during the next three years. Of course, every +time it was renewed, it was also strengthened, but it was chiefly her +London disposition, and used in great degree to go off when she +was taken up with the interests of Oakworthy, and removed from the +neighbourhood of Lady Marchmont. + +Oakworthy was so preferable to London, except so far as that she was +there out of Selina's reach, that she began to have a kindness for it. +She knew some of the poor people there, in whom Caroline had kept up an +interest ever since Miss Cameron's time; the smoky streets of London +had taught her to prize the free air and green turf of the Downs; and, +thanks to Edmund, her own dear Mayflower awaited her there, and she +enjoyed many a canter with Caroline and Walter. She began for the first +time to become acquainted with the latter, and to learn to look upon him +with high esteem, but to obtain a knowledge of him was a very difficult +matter. He was naturally diffident and bashful, and his spirits were +not high; he had been thrown more and more into himself by his mother's +hastiness of manner and his father's neglect. His principles were high +and true, his conduct excellent, and as he had never given any cause for +anxiety, he was almost always overlooked by the whole family. Nor was he +clever, and the consciousness of this added to his timidity, which being +unfortunately physical as well as mental, caused him to be universally +looked down upon by his brothers. Even Marian began to share the +feeling when she saw him turn pale and start back from the verge of a +precipitous chalk pit where she could stand in perfect indifference, and +when she heard him aver his preference for quiet horses. Mayflower's +caperings were to him and Caroline so shocking, and it appeared to them +so improper that she should be allowed to mount such an animal, that but +for her complete ease, her delight in the creature's spirit, and her +earnest entreaties, a complaint against Mayflower would certainly have +been preferred to the authorities. + +In spite of all this, there was satisfaction in talking to Walter, for +he saw things as Marian did, right and wrong were his first thoughts, +and his right and wrong were the same as hers. This was worth a great +deal to her, though she was often provoked with him for want of boldness +in condemnation. A man grown up could, she thought, do so much to set +things to rights, if he would but speak out openly, and remonstrate, +but Walter shrank from interfering in any way; it seemed to cost him an +effort even to agree with Marian's censure. Yes, she thought, as she +stood looking at the print of S. Margaret, Walter might pass by the +dragon, nay, fight his own battle with it, but he would never tread it +manfully under, so that it might not rise to hurt others. He might mourn +for the sins around him, but would he ever correct them? Marian thought +if she was a man, a man almost twenty, destined to be a clergyman, she +had it in her soul to have done great things; then she would not be shy, +for she should feel it her duty to speak. + +In the meantime, Marian had a trouble of her own, a sore place in her +heart, and in its tenderest spot, for Gerald was the cause. The first +holidays had been all she could desire; he was affectionate, open, full +of talk about home and Edmund, with the best of characters; and with the +exception of all the other boys being "fellows" and nameless, there was +nothing like reserve about him; but the next time, he had not been three +days in the house, before she perceived that the cloud had come down +again, which had darkened the last few weeks before his going to school. +He avoided being alone with her, he would not let her ask him questions, +he talked as if he despised his governors and teachers, and regarded +rules as things made to be eluded. His master's letter did not give a +satisfactory account of him, and when Marian tried to fish out something +about his goings on from Lionel, she met with impenetrable silence, +Lionel himself seemed to be going through school pretty much in the same +way, with fits and starts of goodness, and longer intervals of idleness, +but he made his eyes a reason, or an excuse, for not doing more. They +were large, bright, blue, expressive eyes, and it was hard to believe +them in fault, but strong sunshine or much reading by candle-light +always brought the green and purple monsters, and sometimes a degree of +inflammation. It was said that he must be careful of them, and how much +of his idleness was necessary, how much was shirking, was a question for +his own conscience. + +Every time Gerald came home, Marian saw something more that pained her. +There was the want of confidence that grew more evident every time, +though it was by no means want of affection; it was vain to try to keep +him away from the stables; he read books on Sunday which she did not +approve, she did not think he wrote to Edmund, and what made her more +uneasy than all was, that Elliot was becoming the great authority with +him. Elliot had begun to take a sort of distant patronising notice of +hint, which seemed to give him great pleasure, and which Marian who +every year had reason to think worse of Elliot, considered very +dangerous. She could not bear to see Gerald search through, the +newspapers for the racing intelligence, and to see him orating +scientifically to Lionel and Johnny about the points of the horses; she +did not like to see him talking to the gamekeepers, and set her face, +more than was perhaps prudent, against all the field sports which were +likely to lead him into Elliot's society. + +In her zeal against this danger, she forgot how keen a sportsman +Edmund himself was, and spoke as if she thought these amusements wrong +altogether, and to be avoided, and this, together with the example of +Walter, gave Gerald a very undesirable idea of the dulness of being +steady and well conducted. That he spent more money than was good for +him, was also an idea of hers gathered from chance observations of her +own, and unguarded words of the other boys; but this was one of the +points on which his reserve was the strictest, and she only could be +anxious in ignorance. The holidays, anticipated with delight, ended in +pain, though still she cherished a hope that what alarmed her might be +boyish thoughtlessness of no importance in itself, and only magnified by +her fears. + +She was encouraged in this by finding that Lord Marchmont, when he saw +him once in London, thought him a very fine, promising boy, and that Mr. +and Mrs. Lyddell did not seem to see anything seriously amiss. But then +Lord Marchmont had not seen enough of him to be able to judge, and would +not have told her even if he had thought there probably was anything +wrong; and she could not trust to Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell. It was very +painful to imagine herself unjust to her only brother, and she drove the +fears away; but back they would always come, every time Gerald was at +home, and every time she looked and longed in vain for a letter from +him. + +Thus passed, as has already been said, three years, spent for the most +part without event. Caroline, at eighteen, was introduced; but though +her evenings were given to company, her mornings were still spent in the +schoolroom, of which indeed she was the chief brightness. Marian, though +she had the offer of coming out at the same time, was very glad to +embrace the alternative of waiting another year. She was now a little +past her seventeenth birthday, which emancipated her from being +absolutely Miss Morley's pupil. She breakfasted with the rest of the +family, dined with them when there was not a large party, learnt more +of masters, and studied more on her own account than she had ever done +before; and only depended on Miss Morley and Clara for companionship in +walking and meals, when Caroline was otherwise engaged. + +She was more with the Marchmonts than ever during this spring. She rode +with them, kept Selina company when her husband went out without her; +went about with her wherever a girl of woman's height, though not yet +come out, could be taken; and was almost always at any of her dinners or +evening parties, where she could have the pleasure of seeing anything +that was distinguished. It was a very pleasant life; for she was new to +the liberty of being loosed from schoolroom restraints, and at the same +time the restraints and duties of society had not laid hold upon her. +Among Selina's friends she was not expected to talk, and could listen +in peace to the conversation of the very superior men Lord Marchmont +brought around him; or if she chanced to exchange a few words with any +of them, she remembered it afterwards as a distinction. Selina, with all +the homage paid to her beauty, her rank, her fascination of manner, and +her husband's situation, was made much of by all, and was able to avoid +being bored, without affronting any one; and a spoilt child of fashion +herself, in her generosity and affection, she made Marian partake her +pleasures, and avoid annoyances as far as she could, like herself. It +was a pleasant life, and Marian thoroughly enjoyed it but was it a safe +one? + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + "So too may soothing Hope thy leave enjoy, + Sweet visions of long severed hearts to frame; + Though absence may impair or cares annoy, + Some constant mind may draw us still the same." + + _Christian Year_. + + +"Here are two letters for you, Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, meeting the +girls as they came in from a walk; "Lady Marchmont's servant left this +note." + +"An invitation to dinner for this evening," said Marian opening it; "ah! +I knew they were to have a party; 'just recollected that Lady Julia +Faulkner used to know Fern Torr, and I must have you to meet her, if it +is not a great bore.'" + +"Then, my dear, had you not better send an answer? James can take it +directly." + +"No, no, thank you; the carriage will call at seven. Who can this Lady +Julia be? But--" by this time Marian had arrived at her other letter, +and, with a sudden start and scream of joy, she exclaimed, "They are +coming!" + +"Coming? Who?" asked Caroline. + +"Agnes--and Mr. and Mrs. Wortley! O! All coming to stay with their +friends in Cadogan Place. I shall see them at any time I please." + +"I am very glad of it," said Caroline. + +"Tell them that their earliest engagement must be to us," said Mrs. +Lyddell. "When do you expect them?" + +"Next week, next week itself," cried Marian, "to stay a whole fortnight, +or perhaps three weeks. Mr. Wortley has business which will occupy +him--" + +Few faces ever expressed more joy than Marian's in the prospect of a +meeting with these dearest of friends; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline smiled +at her joy as she flew out of the room to make Saunders a partaker in +her pleasure. + +"Strange girl," said Caroline; "so cold to some, so warm to others; I +shall be glad to see these incomparable Wortleys." + +"So shall I," said Mrs. Lyddell; "but I expect that Marian's opinion of +them will soon alter, she has now become used to such different society. +However we must be very civil to them, be they what they may." + +In the meantime Marian penned a letter to Agnes, in terms of delight and +affection twenty times warmer than any which had ever passed her lips, +and then resigned herself to Saunders' hands to be dressed, without +much free will on her own part; too excited to read as usual during +the operation, sometimes talking, sometimes trying to imagine Agnes in +London, a conjunction which seemed to her almost impossible. + +The carriage came for her, and in due time she was entering the great +drawing-room, where Selina, looking prettier than ever in her evening +dress, sat reading a novel and awaiting her guests. + +"O Selina, only think," she began; "the Wortleys are coming!" + +"What say you? Why, Marian, you are in a wild state. Who are coming?" + +"The Wortleys, Selina, my own Agnes." + +"O, your old clergyman's daughter! You constant little dove, you don't +mean that you have kept up that romantic friendship all these years?" + +"Why, Selina!" + +"Yes, yes, I remember all about them now: the daughter was your great +friend." + +"She was more yours," said Marian, "when you were at Fern Torr, because +you were more nearly the same age. Don't you remember how you used to +whisper under the sycamore tree, and send me out of the way?" + +"Poor little Marian! Well, those were merry times, and I rather think +your Agnes promised to be very pretty." + +"And shall not you be glad to see her?" + +"When do they come?" + +"Next Monday, to--Cadogan Place." + +"Close to you. Well, that is lucky; but now, my dear, if you can come +down from the clouds for a moment, I want to tell you about Lady Julia." + +"Who is she?" said Marian, bringing back her attention with an effort. + +"A tiresome woman," whispered Selina, with a sort of affectation of +confidence; "but the fact is, Lord Marchmont used to know her husband, +or his father, or his great grandfather, sometime in the dark ages, and +so be wants me to make much of her. She is one of the people that it is +real toil to make talk for; but by good fortune I remembered that I had +heard some legend about her once knowing my uncles, and so I thought +that a cross-examination of you about Gerald and Fern Torr would be a +famous way of filling up the evening." + +"O!" said Marian in a not very satisfied tone, "so she has a husband, +has she? I fancied from your note that she only consisted of herself," + +"She consists of a son and daughters," said Selina. + +"Her husband is dead, but the rest of the house you will presently see." + +"Eh?" said Lord Marchmont, coming out of the other room where he had +been writing, and greeting Marian. + +"You don't mean that you have invited that young Faulkner?" + +"You would, not have me leave out the only agreeable one of the +party--something to sweeten the infliction." + +Lord Marchmont smiled at the arch, bold, playful manner with which she +looked up in his face, as if to defy him to be displeased; but still he +was evidently vexed, and said, "It is hard upon Marian only to take her +from Elliot Lyddell's society to bring her into Mr. Faulkner's." + +"Indeed! but that is hard on Mr. Faulkner," said his wife. "As to worth, +I suppose he and Marian's cousin are pretty much on a par, but it is but +justice to say that he has considerably the advantage in externals." + +"It cannot be helped now," said Lord Marchmont; "but I wish I had told +you before, Selina. The esteem I had for that young man's father would +make me still more reluctant to cultivate him, considering his present +way of going on." + +"Well, one invitation to dinner is not such a very agricultural +proceeding, that you need waste such a quantity of virtuous +indignation," said Selina; "I daresay he will not grow _very_ much the +faster for it." + +The arrival of some of the party put a stop to the conversation, and +presently Lady Julia Faulkner, Mr. and Miss Faulkner, were announced. +The first was a fair, smooth, handsome matron, who looked as if she had +never been preyed upon by either thought or care; her daughter was a +well-dressed, fashionable young lady; and her son, so gentlemanlike +and sensible looking, as to justify Lady Marchmont in saying that in +externals he had the advantage of Elliot Lyddell. Marian sat next him at +dinner, and though she meant to dislike him, she could not succeed in +doing so; he talked with so much spirit and cleverness of the various +exhibitions and other things, which are chiefly useful as food for +conversation. Something too might be ascribed to the store of happiness +within her, which would not let her be ungracious or unwilling to let +herself be entertained, for on the whole, she had never been so well +amused at a dinner party. + +In the drawing-room the examination took place with which she had been +threatened, but she had grown hardened to such things with time, and +could endure them much better than she used to do. It was always the +custom for her to outstay the guests, so as to talk them over with her +cousins; and, on this occasion the first exclamation was, how very +agreeable and clever Mr. Faulkner was. + +"So much the worse," said Lord Marchmont gravely; "I think worse of him +than I did before, for I find he has taken up Germanism." + +Marian had some notion that Germanism meant that the foundations of his +faith were unsettled, and she looked extremely horrified, but she had +not time to dwell on the subject, for the carriage came to the door, +and she was glad to be alone to hug herself with delight. The gas lamps +looked as bright to her eyes as if there were an illumination specially +got up in honour of her happiness, and the drive to Mr. Lyddell's was +far too short to settle a quarter of what Agnes was to see and do. + +It was almost four years since she had parted with her, but the +correspondence had scarcely slackened, nor the earnestness of her +affection and confidence diminished. There was no one, excepting Edmund, +to whom she could look for counsel in the same manner, and the hope of +long conversations with Mrs. Wortley was almost as delightful as the +thought of seeing Agnes once more. + +She had begged them to call the first thing, and accordingly soon after +breakfast one fine Tuesday morning, a loud double-knock caused her heart +to leap into her mouth, or rather her throat, and almost choke her. Mrs. +Lyddell, Elliot, and Caroline were all present, and she wished them +forty miles off, when the announcement was the very thing she wished to +hear! + +There they were, Mrs. Wortley giving that fond, motherly kiss, Agnes +catching both hands, and kissing both cheeks, Mr. Wortley giving one +hearty squeeze to her hand! There they really were, she was by Mrs. +Wortley's side, their own familiar tones were in her ears! She hardly +dared to look up, for fear Agnes should be altered, but no, she could +not call her altered, though she was more formed, the features were less +childish, and there was more thought, though not less life and light +than of old, in the blue eyes. Indeed it came upon Marian by surprise, +that she had not known before that Agnes was uncommonly pretty as well +as loveable. She was surprised not to see her friend more shy, but able +to answer Elliot's civilities with readiness and ease; whereas she who +still felt stiff and awkward with a stranger, had supposed that such +must be doubly the case with one who had lived so much less in the +world. + +That day was to be devoted by the Wortleys to visits and business, but +they reckoned on having Marian to themselves all the next, and were to +call for her early on their way to some of the sights of London. Mrs. +Lyddell made them fix an early day for coming to dinner, and they took +their leave, Marian feeling as if the visit had not been everything that +she expected, and yet as if it was happiness even to know that the same +city contained herself and them. + +No sooner were they gone than the Lyddells began with one voice to +admire Agnes, even Elliot was very much struck with her, and positively +gained himself some degree of credit with Marian, by confirming her +opinion of her friend's beauty. It was delightful indeed that Agnes +should be something to be proud of; Marian would not have loved her one +whit the less if she had been a plain, awkward country girl, but it was +something to have her affection justified in their eyes, and to have no +fear of Agnes being celebrated only for her cricket. + +They called for Marian early the next morning, and now she received the +real greeting, corresponding to her parting, as Mrs. Wortley's second +daughter. Then began the inquiries for everything at Fern Torr, animate +or inanimate, broken into by Agnes's exclamations of surprise at +everything new and wonderful in the streets, a happy, but a most +desultory conversation. + +At last they got into a quiet street where Mr. and Mrs. Wortley went to +choose a carpet, and the two girls were left to sit in the carriage. + +"O Marian!" began Agnes, "so you have not quite lost your old self! I +am glad to see how it all is at least, for I have something tangible to +pity you for." + +"I wonder what it is," said Marian, too happy for pity at that moment. + +"O, my dear! that Mr. Elliot Lyddell!" + +"He is hardly ever in my way," said Marian. + +"And his sister! Her dress! What study it must have taken! In the +extreme of fashion." + +"Caroline's dress is not exactly what she would choose herself," said +Marian. + +"That must be only an excuse, Marian; for though you have a +well-turned-out look, it is not as if you were in a book of fashions." + +"I am not Mrs. Lyddell's daughter, and though I do expect a battle or +two when I come out, it will not be a matter of obedience with me, as it +is with Caroline." + +"Is it very painful obedience?" said Agnes laughingly; "well, you do +deserve credit for not being spoilt among such people." + +"In the first place, how do you know they are 'such people?' and next, +how do you know I am not spoilt?" + +"You must be the greatest hypocrite in the world, if you are spoilt, to +write me such letters, and sit so boldly looking me in the face. And as +to their being 'such people,' have not I seen them, have not I +heard them, and, above all, has not Mr. Arundel given me their full +description?" + +"But that was three years and a half ago," said Marian. + +"And have they changed since then?" asked Agnes. + +"I don't know." + +"O how glad I am to hear that!" cried Agnes. "Never mind them; but to +hear you say 'I don't know' in that old considering tone is proof enough +to me that you are my own old Marian, which is all I care for." + +"I don't--" began Marian; then stopping short and laughing, she added, +"I mean I was thinking whether it is really so. Can any person live four +years without changing? Especially at our age. What a little girl I was +then!" + +"Yes, to be sure, you have grown into a tall--yes, quite a tall woman, +and you have got your black hair into a very pretty broad braid, and you +wear a bracelet and carry a parasol, and don't let your veil stream down +your back; I don't see much more alteration. Your eyes are as black and +your face as white, and altogether you are quite as provoking as ever in +never telling one anything that one wishes to know." + +Marian gave a stiff smile, one which she had learnt in company, and +grew frightened at herself to find that she was treating Agnes, as she +treated the outer world. She did not know what to say; her love was +deep, strong and warm within, but it was too soon to "rend the silken +veil;" and this awkwardness, this consciousness of coldness was positive +suffering. She was relieved that the return of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley put +an end to the _tete-a-tete_, then shocked that it should be a relief; +for, poor girl, her extreme embarrassment overpowering the happiness +in her friend's presence, made her doubt whether it could be that her +affection was really departing, a thought too dreadful to be dwelt upon. + +Who would have told her that she should endure so much pain in her first +drive with the Wortleys? + +They went to call on Lady Marchmont that day, and, as Marian expected, +did not find her at home. Agnes renewed the old lamentation that Marian +could not live with her and thus avoid Mrs. Lyddell's finery and +fashion. "Now why do you laugh, Marian? you don't mean that Selina +Grenville can have turned into a fashionable lady? she was the simplest +creature in the world." + +"She is what she was then," said Marian; "but as to being fashionable--. +My dear Agnes, you don't understand." + +"We have not to reproach Marian for want of knowledge of the world now, +Agnes," said Mr. Wortley, smiling at his daughter's bewildered look. + +"Ah!" cried Marian, and there stopped, thinking how grievously she must +be altered, since this was the reproach that the Lyddells used so often +to make her. Some wonderful sight here engaged Agnes, and Marian's +exclamation fell unheeded. + +She spent a good many hours with the Wortleys while they were in London, +but usually in the midst of confusion and bustle: Mr. and Mrs. Wortley +were busy, and Agnes almost wild with the novelties around. Marian's +heart ached as she recollected a saying which she had read, that a +thread once broken can never be united again. Her greatest comfort was +in the prospect of a visit to Fern Torr; for Mrs. Lyddell willingly +consented to her accepting Mrs. Wortley's invitation to return with +them, and to stay even to the end of her brother's holidays, which he +was also to spend at _home_. She should know better there whether she +was really changed; she could take it all up again there, and now she +could afford to wait, and not feel the necessity of saying everything +that would not be said in so short a time. + +One thing was certain, she did not like to hear Agnes talk against the +Lyddells. She could have done it herself; nay, she did so sometimes when +with Lady Marchmont, but then that was only about "nonsense." She had +lived with them too long, had shared in too many of their conversations +and employments, was, in fact, too much one of the family, to like to +hear them condemned. She thought it very strange, and she could not tell +whether it was from having grown like them, or from a genuine dislike to +injustice; at any rate it was this which convinced her that she had come +to regard them in some degree as friends. + +She wished them to appear to as much advantage as possible, but this +they really seemed resolved not to do, at least not what was in her eyes +and those of the Wortleys, to advantage. Mrs. Lyddell _would_ have +a grand dinner party to do honour to her friends, and the choice of +company was not what she would have made. To make it worse, Elliot +sat next Agnes, Walter was not at home, and the conversation was upon +religious subjects, which had better not have been discussed at all in +such a party, and which were viewed by most present, in the wrong way. +All this, however, Marian could have endured, for she did not care +to defend Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell or Elliot, individually, only when +considered as forming part of "the Lyddells," but she really wished +Agnes to like Caroline and Clara. + +She did not know whether Agnes was not perverse about Caroline, whom she +continued to call a mere fashionable young lady, not being able to find +any other reproach than this vague one; but as to Clara, Marian herself +could have found it in her heart to beat her when she made sillier +speeches than usual in Agnes' hearing, and, above all, for having at +this time a violent fit of her affection for Marian herself, whom she +perseveringly called a dear girl, and followed about so closely as to be +always in the way. + +Marian would have been still more provoked with Clara, had Agnes not had +forbearance enough to abstain from telling her all that Clara had said, +when once, by some chance, left alone with her for ten minutes. After a +great deal about her extreme friendship for "dearest Marian," she said, +"Some people think her pretty,--do you, Miss Wortley?" + +"Not exactly pretty," said Agnes, "but hers is a fine face." + +"Ah! she has not colour enough to be pretty. She is much too pale, poor +dear, but some people say that is aristocratic. And she is like her +cousin, Lady Marchmont, the beauty. Do you know Lady Marchmont?" + +"I used to know her as a girl." + +"Ah! she is very handsome, and so much the fashion. It is such an +advantage for Marian to be there, and I hope she will slyly bring us +acquainted some of these days. But then all the Arundels are proud; +Marian has a good deal of pride in her own way, though she is a dear +girl!" + +"Marian!" exclaimed Agnes. + +"O yes! She is a dear girl, but every one in Wiltshire speaks of her +pride; all our friends do, I assure you. I always defend her, of course, +but every one remarks it." + +Agnes was wondering whether simply to disbelieve anything so +preposterous as that all Wiltshire should be remarking on poor Marian's +pride, or whether to explain it by her well-known shyness, when Clara +made another sudden transition. "Do you know Mr. Arundel?" + +"O yes." + +"Is not he a fine, distinguished looking man? We did admire him so when +he was here. I assure you we are all quite jealous of Marian. Miss +Morley says there can be but one _denouement_." + +Here Marian came into the room, and Agnes proceeded to question within +herself which was most wonderful,--the extreme folly of Clara, or of the +governess. + +Another vexation to Marian was the behaviour of Lady Marchmont. She +herself was invited as often as usual to come to her cousin, but she +could not spare a minute from her dear friends, and only was surprised +and vexed that they were not included, and that Selina had not yet +called upon them. She knew that one of her parties consisted of persons +whom Mr. Wortley would have been particularly glad to meet, and she +watched most anxiously for a card for him; she even went so far, as in +her own note of refusal to give a very far distant hint, thinking that +Selina only required to be put in mind of his being in London. + +At last, only two days before they left town, Lady Marchmont left her +card for Mrs. Wortley, but without asking if she was at home; and +Marian, who was in the house at the time, felt the neglect most acutely. +Mrs. Wortley saw the bright glow of red spread all over the pale check, +and was heartily sorry on her account. Agnes broke out into exclamations +that there must be a mistake,--the servants must have misunderstood, +and she would have asked questions; but Marian said, in a voice of deep +feeling, "No, Agnes, it is no mistake. You understand me now when I say +Selina Marchmont is more of a fine lady than Mrs. Lyddell. But O, I +never thought she would have neglected you!" + +"Say no more, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "Lady Marchmont must have too +many engagements to attend to us dull country folks. Indeed, it gives me +no pain, my dear, except to see it grieve you. You know she has done her +duty by us." + +"Her duty by herself, she may think," said Marian, "in not doing what +would be called rude, but not her duty by you; you, to whom all who +ever--who ever loved _them_, owe so much." + +The tears glittered in Marian's eyes, and her cheek was flushed. + +"Marian, my dear, cool down a little," said Mrs. Wortley; "think how +long it is since Lady Marchmont knew us, and recollect that the--the +causes, which you think you have for caring for us, may not appear the +same to her. She only thinks of us as dimly remembered neighbours of +her cousin's, coming to London for a little while; she is full of +engagements, and has no time for us, and just follows the fashions of +other people." + +"That is it," said Marian. "How shall I ever wish her good-bye in +charity?" + +They were interrupted; and it was not till Marian was gone that Agnes +had the satisfaction of a full outbreak of indignation at all fine +ladies, and of triumph in the impossibility of their ever spoiling her +own dear Marian. + +Marian had to spend the evening with the Marchmonts, and she was more +constrained with them at first than she had ever been before. Yet it +was not easy to continue constrained with Selina, who was perfectly +unconscious that she had given any offence; and the feeling was quite +removed by half an hour's play with little Willy, who was now promoted +to be a drawing-room child for various short intervals of the day. He +was under a nursery governess, who let his mamma have a little more +property in him. + +Selina asked about the intended journey, and thus renewed Marian's +feeling of the wrongs of the Wortleys; but when Selina scolded her for +not coming oftener, supposed she had been very happy, and envied her for +going to dear old Fern Torr, Marian began to forgive, and did so quite +when she wished she could have seen them, and lamented that she had been +so much engaged. Three times she had gone out, fully meaning to call on +them, and have a good long chat, but each time something delayed her; +and the last, and fourth, she really was obliged to be at home early, +and could not possibly make a call. + +The charm of manner made all this appease Marian; but when the immediate +spell of Selina's grace and caressing ways was removed, she valued it +rightly, and thought, though with pain, of the expressive epithet, +"fudge!" Could not Selina have gone to her aunt's old friends if she +would? Had not Marian known her to take five times the trouble for her +own gratification? Marian gained a first glimpse of the selfishness of +refined exclusiveness, and doubted whether it had not been getting a +hold of herself, when she had learnt of Selina to despise and neglect +all that was unpleasing. + +O the joy of knowing that she should turn her back on the great wicked +world again, and measure herself by the old standard of home! And yet +she trembled, lest she should find that the world had touched her more +than she had thought. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + "Yes, friends may be kind, and vales may be green, + And brooks, may sparkle along between; + But it is not friendship's kindest look, + Nor loveliest vale, nor clearest brook, + That can tell the tale which is written for me + On each old face and well known tree." + + R. H. FROUDE. + + +It was a happy day for both Agnes Wortley and Marian Arundel when they +again entered Devonshire. Agnes seemed to feel her four weeks as serious +an absence as Marian did her four years, and was even more rapturous in +her exclamations at each object that showed her she was near home. + +They walked up the last and steepest hill, or rather bounded along the +well known side path, catching at the long trailing wreaths of the +dogrose, peeping over the gates which broke the high hedge, where +Marian, as she saw the moors, could only relieve her heart by +pronouncing to herself those words of Manzoni's Lucia, "_Vedo i miei +monti._" ("I see my own mountains.") She beheld the woods and the +chimneys of the Manor House, but she shrank from looking at it, and +gazed, as if she feared it was but a moment's vision, at the rough +cottages, the smoke curling among the trees, the red limestone quarry, +and the hills far away in the summer garb of golden furze. It was home, +her heart was full, and Agnes respected her silence. + +Down the hill, along the well-known paling, past the cottages, the dear +old faces smiling welcome; the Church, always the same, the green rail +of the Vicarage garden, the paint was the only thing new; the porch, +with roses hanging thicker over it than ever; Ranger, David Chapple, +Jane, the housemaid, all in ecstasy in their different ways. + +That first evening was spent in visiting every nook of the garden with +Agnes, and hearing the history of each little innovation; then, after a +slight interval of sleepiness, came those fond, cordial "good nights," +which dwell no where but at home. + +She woke to the reality of a Fern Torr Sunday, not to shake off with +disappointment and wearinesss, the dream of such a day. There was the +pinkthorne, dressed in all its garlands, before her window, the dew +lying heavy and silvery on the grass; the cart-horses enjoying their +holiday in the meadow, the mass of blossom in the orchard, the sky +above, all blueness, the air full of a delicious quietness, as if the +sunshine itself was repose, Marian leant out at her window, and wondered +if it was possible she should have been so long away, so familiar, so +natural did it all seem. + +The hurried breakfast, the walk to school, the school itself, how well +she knew it all, and within the school how old a world it was, and yet +how new! The benches, the books, the smiles, the curtsies, the very +nosegays, redolent of southernwood, were unchanged, but all the great +good girls of her day, the prime first class, where was it? Here was the +first class still, Agnes' pride; but, behold, these are the little ones +of her day, and the babies for whom she had made pink frocks and frilled +caps, now stared up in her face responsible beings, who could say more +than half the Catechism. Her own little pets of school-days were grown +out of knowledge into the uninteresting time of life, the "old age +of childhood," and looked as if they found it equally difficult to +recognize "little Miss" in a lady taller than Miss Wortley. Next +followed the walk to Church, full of meetings and greetings, admiration +of her growth, and inquiries after Sir Gerald. + +Yes, Marian did feel like the old self: her four years' absence was like +a dream that had passed away, and was nothing to her; she could think +only of home, home thoughts and home interests; the cares and the +teasings, the amusements and the turmoils of Oakworthy and London, were +as things far distant, which had never really concerned her, or +belonged to some different state of existence. She was at home, as she +continually said to herself; she felt as if she was in some way more in +the presence of her parents, as if their influence was sheltering her, +and shielding her from all external ill, as in the days of yore. Happy +they who can return after four years' trial as Marian did. + +She was preparing for Confirmation; for, to her great joy, she was in +time to form one of Mr. Wortley's own flock, He gave her half an hour +every other morning; and now it was that all the difficulties raised +in her mind in arguments with Caroline, doubts with right or wrong, or +questions why and wherefore, were either solved or smoothed down. Her +principles were strengthened, her views were cleared up; she learnt the +reasons of rules she had obeyed in ignorance, and perceived her own +failures and their causes. + +These were her graver hours. At other times she read, drew, and studied +German with Agnes, who gladly availed herself of the aid of one well +crammed by London masters, and who could not but allow, even to the +credit of her enemies, that they had made Marian very accomplished. + +There were long walks to every well-remembered hill and dell, with +further expeditions planned against the return of the boys, and numerous +visits to old friends at the cottages to present Marian's gifts, which +had fairly overpowered Saunders' powers of packing. Delightful walks, +how different from the parade on the chalk roads, over high hedges, +through gaps doubly fenced with thorns, scrambling, at the risk of +neck us well as of dress, over piles of fern and ivy-covered rocks, or +hopping across brooks on extemporised stepping-stones, usually in the +very thick of some _mauvais pas_, discussing some tremendous point of +metaphysics or languages and breaking off in it to scream at the beauty +of the view, or to pity a rent muslin. + +Marian and Agnes talked considerably now, and, allowing for the +difference in age, just as they used to do. Marian's fears of her own +coldness and doubts of her confidence in Agnes had all melted in her +native atmosphere, and were quite forgotten. She could speak of the +Lyddells now, though still she did not find fault with them, nor make +complaints; indeed, it was Agnes' abuse of them that made her first +discover that she had a regard for them. + +This prejudice, as she began to call it, seemed to her unaccountable, +since she had never written complainingly, until she found at last, +(which made her inclined to treat it with more respect,) that it +was founded on what Edmund had reported. He had come to Fern Torr +immediately after his visit to Oakworthy, very much out of spirits, and +had poured out his anxieties to his friends, talking of Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell with less caution than he had used with Marian, and lamenting +over the fate of his poor little cousins like something hopeless. Marian +thought of Gerald, and her heart failed her, then she hoped again, for +Gerald was coming home, and then she understood what Edmund had thought +of it all, and knew that it was perfectly consistent with his last +conversation with her. So she said that was four years ago, and that +Edmund was very kind. + + +The time of Gerald's arrival came. Charles and James Wortley preceded +him by about a fortnight, and all that Marian saw of them made her +rejoice in such companionship for him. Mr. Wortley drove her to meet him +at Exeter, and never was greeting more joyful. Lionel had sent her a +message that Oakworthy would be as dull as ditch water without her, +and if she did not come back before the end of the holidays, he should +certainly be obliged to go back to Eton again to find something to do. +Having delivered this message, Gerald made both his companions laugh by +gazing about as if surprised to find Exeter still in the same place, and +wondering at reading all the old names over the shops. + +Marian was delighted that he recognised all the torrs on the drive home, +and very proud of his height, his beauty, and his cordial, well-bred +gentlemanlike manners, which gave the Wortleys general satisfaction. + +The first thing he did was to go out and visit his old pony in the +paddock, patting it very affectionately, though he seemed much surprised +that it was so small. + +In the evening they went to the Manor House. Marian had spent many hours +there, sat in the empty rooms, wandered in the garden, and mused on past +days, or dwelt on them with Agnes, and she had looked forward with great +pleasure to having her brother there. + +She wished to have had him alone, but he asked Agnes and the boys to +come, and they all set out together up the rocky steps, Gerald far +before the rest, and when Marian came up to him he was standing on the +lawn, at the top of the steps, looking at the house. + +"I thought it was larger," exclaimed he. + +"But, Gerald, see how high the magnolia has grown, and how nice and +smooth old Lapthorn keeps the lawn. Does it not look as if we had gone +away only yesterday?" + +"Yes, and there is the little larburnum that we planted. How it is +grown! But how very small the house is." + +By this time the door had been opened by the old housekeeper, and +Marian, running up to her, exclaimed, "Here he is, Mrs. White! Come, +come, Gerald, come and speak to Mrs. White!" + +Gerald came, but with no readiness of manner. His "how d'ye do?" was +shy and cold, and not at all answerable to her eager, almost tearful, +"Pretty well, thank you, Sir. It is something to see you at home again, +Sir Gerald; so tall, and looking so well. 'Tis almost old times again, +to see you and Miss Marian." + +He stood silent, and Agnes spoke, "Yes, Mrs. White, is not he grown? It +does not seem to be so very long before we shall really have them here +for good." + +"Ah! Miss Wortley, that is what I have always wished to live for; I have +always said, let me only live to see Sir Gerald come back, and find +things in order as he left them, and then I would die contented." + +"No, no, live to keep his house many more years," said Marian. "It is +four years less now you know, Mrs. White; only eight more before we +shall be able to live here. For, I suppose you would like to have me +back too." + +"I don't know Miss Marian; you will he married long before that, such a +fine young lady as you are grown to be." + +Marian laughed and passed on into the house, sorry that Gerald had taken +no part in the conversation. They went into the drawing-room, that room +where he had wept so bitterly the day before his departure. Again his +observation was, "I thought this room was twice the size. And so low!" + +"You have been looking in at the large end of a telescope lately, +Gerald," said his sister with some sorrow in her tone, as she sat down +on one of the brown holland muffled sofas, and looked up at her father's +portrait, trying to find a likeness there to the face before her. There +was the same high brow, the same dark eyes, the same straight features, +the same bright open smile. Gerald was more like it, in some respects, +than he had been, but there was a haughty, impetuous expression now +and then on eye, brow, and lip, that found no parallel in the gentle +countenance which, to Marian's present feelings, seemed to be turned +towards him with an air of almost reproachful anxiety. + +Perhaps he saw some of the sadness of her expression, and; always +affectionate, wished to please her by manifesting a little more of the +feelings which really still existed. He came and stood by her, and +whispered a few caressing words, which almost compensated for the +vexation his carelessness had occasioned. He looked earnestly at the +picture for a few moments, then, turning away, suddenly exclaimed, "I +should like to see the old dressing-room." + +This was Lady Arundel's morning room, where many a lesson had been +repeated, many a game played, and where, perhaps, more childish +recollections centered than in any other part of the house. The brother +and sister went thither alone, and much enjoyed looking into every +well-known corner, and talking of the little events which had there +taken place. This lasted for nearly a quarter of an hour, when they +rejoined their companions to make the tour of the garden, &c. All was +pleasant here, Gerald recollected every nook, and was delighted to find +so much unchanged. + +"Let us just look into the stable yard," said he, as they were coming +away. It was locked, but a message to Mrs. White procured the key, and +they entered the neat deserted court, without one straw to make it look +inhabited, though the hutch where the rabbits had lived was still in its +place; and even in one corner the reversed flower-pot, which Gerald +well remembered to have brought there to mount upon, in order to make +investigations into a blackbird's nest, in the ivy on the wall. + +He now used the same flower-pot to enable him to peep in at the hazy +window of the stable, and still more lamentable was his exclamation, +"Can this be all! How very small!" + +"Nothing but low and little, you discontented boy," said Agnes. + +"Why, really, I could not believe it was on such a small scale," said +Gerald. "Marian, now is it possible there can be only six stalls here?" + +"Why, what would have been the use of more?" said Marian. + +"Ah! why to be sure, there was no one to ride much," said Gerald. "But +yet I can hardly imagine it! What could my father have done in his +younger days? Only six stalls! And no loose box. Well, people had +contracted notions in those days! And the yard so small! Why, the one at +Oakworthy would make four of it." + +"And you had really managed to persuade yourself that this was a grander +place than Oakworthy?" said Marian. + +Gerald made no answer; but after walking backwards till he had a +full view of the stable and surrounding regions, broke out into the +exclamation, "I see what is to be done! Take down that wall--let in +a piece of the kitchen garden--get it levelled--and then extend it a +little on the right side too. Yes, I see." + +"You are not talking of spoiling this place!" cried Agnes, in dismay. + +"Spoiling! only making it habitable," said Gerald. "How can a man live +here with a stable with six stalls, and nothing like a kennel?" + +The utter impossibility of such an existence was so strongly impressed +on the mind of the young baronet, that as soon as tea was over he +commenced a sketch of his future stables, adding various explanations +for the benefit of Charles and James. There was almost a daily quarrel +on the subject with Agnes, and much laughing on each side; but Marian, +afraid of making him more determined, took no part in it. + +Much might happen in eight years to make him change his mind, and this +stable in the clouds might be endured, if everything else had been fully +satisfactory. + +Very happy were the boys next morning, setting off to the woods to study +the localities of the game; very happy were they fishing and rabbit +shooting; very happy, galloping over the country by turns on the two +ponies; very happy were the whole party in pic-nic expeditions, and in +merry evening sports; but these could not take up every hour and every +minute; and Marian could not help observing, that while Charles and +James could always find some work on which to be employed in the +intervals, Gerald was idle and listless. There were hours in the morning +when they had their Latin and Greek to study, while Gerald was usually +loitering in the drawing-room. That he should voluntarily touch Latin +or Greek in the holidays was perhaps more than mortal could expect; +but that he should not read anything was disappointing. The vicarage +afforded no periodical novels, no slang tales of low life, no manuals +of sporting. The Waverley novels he had read long ago, and nothing of +a more solid description would he touch; so his mornings were chiefly +spent in drawing caricatures, and chattering to his sister and Agnes. He +was indeed very amusing, but this was not all that could be desired. Now +and then there were stories of feats which did not seem likely to be +those of the best and wisest set of boys; and his idea of the life of +a boy, if not of man, was plainly that it was to be spent in taking +pleasure and shirking work. Then he took in a sporting paper, and used +to entertain them with comments on the particulars of the races, and of +bets, which no one in the house understood but himself; but these were +never in the presence of either Mr. or Mrs. Wortley, where he was on his +guard. + +In these intervals of idleness, Marian tried to persuade him several +times to write to Edmund, who would be glad to have a report fresh from +home. He always said he would soon set about a letter, but the time +never came, though she more than once arranged pen, paper, and ink in +readiness for him. He had recently received a letter from his cousin, +but he had torn it up, and could not remember anything about the +contents. + +Something between bashfulness and pride produced conduct which could +not but appear like arrant haughtiness to the villagers, who had looked +forward eagerly to seeing their young landlord. If Marian tried to +bring him to speak to some poor old man, his answer was, "Give him this +half-crown, then, that will do just as well!" and he walked off out +of reach, while she remained to present the gift, and hear in answer, +"Thank you kindly, Miss; I should like to see the young gentleman +himself, but I daresay he does not like poor people." + +If this was the feeling where there was half-a-crown to sweeten the +neglect, what was it where such a propitiatory offering was out of the +question, and where the original connection had been closer, among the +old servants, the dependants and tenants? His lofty acknowledgment +of their bows,--his short, reluctant "Good morning," when forced to +speak,--and his willingness to escape from their presence, contrasted +ill with the cordial greetings with which his cousin Edmund had always +hailed each Fern Torr person as a friend. Indeed, "that nice young +gentleman, Master Edmund," began to be recollected with regrets, which, +had the Manor been a kingdom, might have amounted to treason towards the +young heir. + +Marian grieved at this behaviour, and would have attempted to argue +him out of it, but he gave her scarcely any opportunity of a serious +conversation; and Mr. Wortley gave him more than one hint, which, though +be took it with perfect courtesy, never mended matters. Yet with all +this, he was so agreeable, so good-natured and gentlemanlike, so +pleasant a guest, and so affectionate a brother, that Mr. and Mrs. +Wortley could not help liking him very much; and if they saw anything +amiss, they did not pain his sister by speaking of it. Her misgivings +were too vague and undetermined for her to be willing to consult +Mr. Wortley; if she thought at one time that she would, she grew so +frightened and reluctant whenever an occasion came, that she let it pass +by; and she was divided between blame to herself for doing nothing, when +a few words might be the rescue of her brother, and self-reproach for +doing him cruel injustice. + +Nay, she even defended him more than once, when Agnes was shocked. She +protected a shirt, illustrated by his own hand, in marking-ink, with +cricketers, which caused infinite scandal to the washerwomen of Fern +Torr. She defended slang words, which Agnes, from not understanding +them, fancied worse than they really were; and she never failed to say +he did not mean to be unkind, whenever he was neglectful of the poor +people. She was displeased with herself afterwards for speaking in +favour of these things, for she well knew them to be only parts of the +whole system which grieved her; but still she could not help it. + +These thoughts were suspended by the solemn time approaching. Her +confirmation-day came, and she stood among the maidens of her own home +and village, who had been baptized in the same font, and shared with her +the same instructions. Simultaneously with them she pronounced her vow; +and perhaps it was a repining thought which crossed her mind,--"Why am +I not like these, to remain in this peaceful nest, not sent forth to +be wearied and tried by that glittering world of unrest, which I thus +renounce?" + +She knelt to receive the blessing, which brought with it the trust that +the peace of that moment might dwell with her, refresh her, and shield +her "as oft as sin and sorrow tire." And when her eye fell on her +brother, it was with more hope, for now she could better pray for him. +Whatever might happen, it could never hurt the memory of that awful +yet soothing hour, nor of that first Communion when she knelt near her +parents' graves between Mrs. Wortley and Agnes; the whole air filled +with the prayers of those on earth and in heaven who loved her best; nor +of her walk in the garden afterwards with Mr. Wortley, when he plainly +spoke to her of her life as one of peculiar trial and temptation, and +warned her how to be in the world, and yet not of the world. + +The nest event of the visit to Fern Torr was Saunders' wedding. Saunders +did not love Oakworthy, still less Mrs. Lyddell, and least of all Mrs. +Price, the ladies' maid; and when she found herself at Fern Torr again, +and heard Mr. David Chapple renew his tender speeches, the return +thither became more and more difficult; and one day, while plaiting her +young lady's hair, she communicated to her with a great gush of tears, +that, though she could not bear to think of leaving her, and would not +on any account cause her any inconvenience, she began to think it was +time to think about her marriage. + +It was a stroke to Marian to hear of losing any old familiar face, and +her look of dismay was a great satisfaction to Saunders; but she could +bear it better than she could once have done, and there were reasons +which made a change not so very much to be regretted even by her. +The quarrels between Saunders and the rest of the household were not +agreeable, and what she now felt to be a serious evil, was that habit of +complaining to her, and telling her stories against the family, of which +Edmund had warned her long ago. She had tried to discourage it, but, +once begun, it had never been entirely discontinued; and Marian felt it +to be wrong in every way. + +She made up her mind, therefore, with greater philosophy than could have +been expected, to the loss of Saunders; and was further consoled by +finding it gave hey an opportunity of promoting a nice young Fern Torr +damsel, too delicate for hard work, who had been taught dressmaking, and +whom Saunders undertook to instruct in the mysteries of the hair, quite +sufficiently to carry her on till they went to London, and she could +take lessons from some grand frizeur. + +Mrs. Lyndell was written to, and gave her consent to the hiring of +Fanny, and Marian and Agnes were so delighted at the opening thus made +for her, that Saunders would have been jealous if she had not been too +happily engaged in her own preparations. + +As to Gerald he made a dreadful face when he first heard of Saunders' +intentions; but as her going made no difference to his comfort, he soon +became resigned. David was an old acquaintance, whom he liked because +he belonged to the genus groom; so he made no objection to his sister's +attending the wedding. He presented the bride with a tea-set, splendid +with gilding, and surprised every one by walking into Mr. Wortley's +kitchen in the midst of the bridal entertainment, and proposing the +health of the happy pair. + +Marian was to return under Gerald's escort, at the end of the holidays. +He was to go on to Eton, leaving her at the railway station, where she +was to be met by the Lyddells' carriage. The last letter arrived, +in which arrangements respecting time and train were to be finally +confirmed. It was, as usual, from Caroline; and as she opened it, Marian +gave a sudden start. + +"Eh?" said Gerald, "whose mare's dead? Not Elliot's Queen Pomare, I +hope!" + +"No, but Miss Morley is going." + +"O!" cried Gerald, "I hope she has been reading some more letters." + +"Not quite," said Marian smiling. + +"Well, but is it directly? I suppose you did not think she was to stay +there for life? Has she been in any mischief, that you look so shocked?" + +Marian really could not help discovering that she was not without +tenderness of feeling for Miss Morley, and did not like to proclaim, in +Caroline's strong and rather satirical language, across the breakfast +table, that Mrs. Lyddell had discovered by accident that she and her +pupil were in the habit of amusing themselves with novels which were +far better unread. After reading quickly to the end of the letter, she +answered, "O, she has been reading books with Clara that Mrs. Lyddell +did not approve." + +"A triumph! a triumph!" cried Agnes. "Now Marian will never attempt to +defend Miss Morley again." + +"What, not the poor unfortunate faithful? How can you think me so base?" +returned Marian. "Besides, poor thing, she really is very kind-hearted, +and has very little harm in her. I dare say it was more Clara's fault +than hers," + +"Well done, Marian, striking right and left!" observed James Wortley. + +"How long has Miss Morley been at Oakworthy?" asked Mrs. Wortley. + +"She came about a year before we did," replied Marian. + +"Her predecessor, Miss Cameron, must have been a very different person; +Caroline and Walter always speak of her with such respect." + +"Poor unfortunate!" broke out Gerald. "Well, if it had not been for +Marian's letters, I should not have hated her so much. When one was +making a row, she never did anything worse than say, 'Now Sir Gerald!'" +which he gave with her peculiarly unauthoritative, piteous, imploring +drawl. + +"There was something in that title of 'poor unfortunate,' peculiarly +appropriate," said Marian, laughing, "as I am afraid that it is now, +poor thing. She is to leave Oakworthy immediately, and I do not know +that she has any relation but an old aunt." + +Mr. and Mrs. Wortley agreed with Marian that it was a melancholy case, +but the others were too triumphant to be compassionate; and Gerald +amused Agnes half the morning with ludicrous stories of her +inefficiency. + +Marian was thoughtful all day; and at last, when sitting alone with Mrs. +Wortley and Agnes, exclaimed, "Poor Miss Morley! I really am very sorry +for her; I did not know I liked her so well." + +"Absence is the great charm with Marian," said Agnes, laughing; "we +learn now what makes her so affectionate to us." + +"No, but really, Agnes, when one has been living in constant intercourse +for four years, and often receiving kindness from a person, is it +possible to hear of her being sent away in disgrace and poverty without +caring about it?" + +"O yes; I know; after having lived in the same house with a kitchen +poker for four years, you get so attached to it that it gives you a pang +to part with it. No, but the comparison is no compliment to the poker; +that is firm enough, at any rate,--a down cushion would be better." + +"An attachment to a down cushion is nothing to be ashamed of, Agnes," +said her mother. + +"And Miss Morley did deserve some attachment, indeed," said Marian. "She +was so ready to oblige, and she really did many and many a kind thing by +the servants; and I believe she quite denied herself, for the sake of +her old aunt. She was not fit for a governess, to be sure; but that was +more her misfortune than her fault, poor thing." + +"How do you make that out?" said Agnes. + +"Why, she was obliged to got her own living; and what other way had +she? She was educated for it, and had everything but the art of gaining +authority." + +"And high principle," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"But," said Marian, growing eager in her defence, "she really did know +right from wrong. She would remonstrate, and tell us things that were +every word good and true, only she did it with so little force, that +they were apt not to mind her; and then it was no wonder that she grew +dispirited, and sunk into poor unfortunate." + +"Yes," said Agnes, "I can understand it all; she was in a situation that +she was not fit for, and failed." + +"She would have been very different in another situation, most +probably," said Mrs. Wortley, "where she and the children were not so +much left to each other's mercy." + +"Yes; Mrs. Lyddell never mended matters," said Marian. "She did not back +up or strengthen her, but only frightened her, till she was quite as +ready to conceal what was amiss as her pupils. And that intimacy with +Clara was a very unlucky thing; it drew her down without drawing Clara +up." + +"I suppose that was the origin of the catastrophe," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"I should think so; they have been more alone together lately, for I am +sure this could never have happened when Caroline was in the schoolroom. +And her making a friend of Clara was no wonder, so forlorn and solitary +as she must have been." And Marian sighed with fellow-feeling for her. + +"An intimate, not a friend," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"And I could better fancy making a friend of Miss Lyddell," said Agnes. +"I can't say my tete-a-tete with Miss Clara made me desire much more of +her confidence." + +"Clara is more caressing," said Marian. "I think I am most fond of her, +though Caroline is--O! quite another thing. But what I wanted was to ask +you, Mrs. Wortley, if you thought I might write to poor Miss Morley, and +ask if there is anything I can do for her. I can't bear to think of her +going away without wishing her good-bye, or showing any feeling for her +in her distress." + +"How very right and kind of you, Marian," exclaimed Agnes, "after all +her injustice--" + +"I do not think it would be advisable, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +would seem like putting yourself in opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +might be pledging yourself, in a manner, to recommend her, which, with +your opinion of her, you could not well do." + +"O, no, no, except in some particular case. Yes, I suppose you are +right; but I don't feel happy to take no notice." + +"Perhaps something may occur on your return, when you understand the +matter more fully; or, at any rate, if you are writing to Oakworthy, you +might send some message of farewell, kind remembrances, or love." + +"Those are so unmeaning and conventional that I hate them," said Marian. + +"Yes, but their want of meaning is their advantage here. They are merely +kindly expressions of good will." + +"And they will mean more from you," added Agnes, "as you never have the +civility to use them on ordinary occasions." + +"Well, I will take your advice," said Marian, "and thank you, Mrs. +Wortley; I only wish--" + +The wish ended in a sigh, as Marian sat down to commence--"My dear +Caroline." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + "But we are women when boys are but boys; + Heav'n gives us grace to ripen and grow wise, + Some six years earlier. I thank heav'n for it: + We grow upon the sunny side of the wall." + + TAYLOR. + + +It certainly was quite involuntary on Agnes Wortley's part, but when +the time came for returning to Oakworthy, Marian was conscious of more +kindly and affectionate feelings towards it and its inhabitants than she +had ever expected to entertain for them. She did not love Fern Torr or +the Wortleys less; she had resumed her confidence and sympathy with +Agnes, and felt the value of Mrs. Wortley more than ever; and it quite +made her heart ache to think how long it would be before she saw another +purple hill or dancing streamlet, and that she should not be there to +see her dear old myrtle's full pride of blossom. But, on the other hand, +her room at Oakworthy, with its treasures, was a sort of home; and she +looked forward to it gladly, when once she was out of sight of the +moors. + +The train had stopped and gone on again from the last station before +that where they were to leave it for Oakworthy, when Gerald, coming +across to the seat by her side, said, "Marian, I say, can you lend me a +couple of pounds?" + +"Why, Gerald, what can you want with them?" + +"Never mind; only be a good girl, and let me have them." + +"You had plenty of money when you came to Fern Torr. How could you have +got rid of it all?" + +"Come, come, Marian, don't be tiresome. Haven't I had to give to all the +old women in the place?" + +"But do you really mean that you have no money?" + +"O yes, I have some, but not what I want. Come, I know you keep +California in your pocket. What harm can it do you?" + +After all Marian's presents at Fern Torr, it was not quite as +convenient, as Gerald fancied, to part with two pounds; but that was not +the best motive to put forward, nor was it her reason for hesitating. + +"I don't know whether it is right; that is the thing, Gerald." + +"Right! why where is the right or wrong in it?" + +"I am afraid it may do you harm," said she, in a trembling, doubtful +voice. + +"Stuff! I'll take care of that!" + +"If you would only tell me what you want it for?" + +"I tell you, Marian, I can't do without it; I don't know what I shall +do, if you won't give it to me." + +"Debts! O Gerald, you have not got into debt?" + +"Well, and what do you look so scared about? Do you think they will kill +me?" + +"O, Gerald, Gerald, this proves it all." + +"It? what?" said Gerald. "Come, don't be so like a girl! I have not been +doing any thing wrong, I tell you, and it is all your fault if I can't +get clear." + +"With such an allowance as you have, O Gerald, how could you? And how +could you throw about money at home, when you knew you were in debt?" + +"You talk as if I had been ruining my wife and ten small children," +cried Gerald, impatiently. "A fine fuss about making a few pounds stand +over till next half. But you women go headlong at it, never see the +rights of a thing. So, you won't? Well, it is your doing now!" + +"I can't see any end to it," said Marian, reflectingly. "If I thought +you would make a resolution--but you will be without money at all, and +how are you to get through this half? O, Gerald! better write to Mr. +Lyddell at once, and he will set you straight, and you can begin fresh." + +Gerald made a face of utter contempt. The steam whistle was heard; they +were stopping. "There is an end of it, then" said he, angrily. "I did +not think you had been so ill-natured; it is all your fault, I tell you. +I thought you cared for me." + +This was dreadful; Marian's purse was in her hand, and she began "O +Gerald dear, anything but that!"--when they found themselves close in +front of the station, and Lionel pulling at the door of their carriage, +and calling fiercely to the porter to unlock them. + +Caroline was standing on the platform, and there was a tumult of +greetings and inquiries for luggage to be taken out and put in. Gerald +ran to see that his goods were separated from his sister's; Lionel shook +hands with Marian, and scolded her for staying away all the holidays; +roared to the porter that his portmanteau was for Slough, then turned +again to say, "You've heard of poor unfortunate, Marian?" + +The bell rang; Gerald ran back; Marian knew she was weak, but could +not help it,--she squeezed the two sovereigns into his hand, and was +comforted for the moment by his affectionate farewell. Lionel and he +threw themselves into their carriage, and were whisked off. + +"There!" said Caroline. "Now come along. O, I am so glad you are come; I +have so much to say." + +Marian could not dwell on Gerald; she put her arm within Caroline's, +looked back to see Fanny safe under the care of an Oakworthy footman, +and soon was in the carriage. + +"Well, Caroline; and how is every one?" + +"Pretty well, considering the revulsion of ideas we have all undergone. +Poor Miss Morley left plenty of farewells for you. You can't think haw +pleased she was with your message." + +"Poor thing! Where is she?" + +"At her aunt's; she went on Monday. Mamma was impatient to have it over. +You know her ways." + +Marian knew that this intimated that Caroline thought her mother had +not been kind; and she doubted whether to continue her inquiries; +but Caroline was too eager to tell, to wait for questions, and +proceeded:--"There had been dissatisfaction for a long time, as I +believe you may have guessed; mamma thought Clara backward, and wanting +in what Miss Morley calls 'the solid;' and at last, coming suddenly into +the schoolroom at twelve o'clock one fine day, she found reason good, +for they were very comfortably reading M. Eugene Sue." + +"O, Caroline, impossible!" + +"Too possible," said Caroline, "though I would not believe it at first. +However, they did not know what it was when they began, and were +afterwards too much bewitched with the story to leave off; and as they +felt it was wrong, they read it the more constantly to get it over +faster." + +"But how in the world could they get such a book?" + +"From the circulating library. It appears that they found the evenings +rather dull in London this spring, when we were all out, and so began a +little secret hiring, which was continued at Oakworthy, and with a worse +choice of books." + +"That she should be so little to be trusted!" + +"Nay, Marian, who could live with her half-an-hour in the schoolroom, +and think she could?" + +"Certainly, she often puzzled me when first I came." + +"And you never saw the worst. You always kept order, after you came." + +"O, Caroline, what nonsense!" + +"Yes, indeed you did. I do assure you that, scores of times, the +knowledge that your great eyes were wondering at me has kept me from +bullying Miss Morley into letting me do what I knew to be wrong. I could +persuade her and deceive myself, but I could not persuade you; and then +all the rest went for nothing, because you were sure to be right." + +"It is very easy to see the right for other people," said Marian, with +rather a sad smile. + +"Yes, only other people don't mind that, unless you do the right +for yourself; and that is the thing in you, Marian. If you had said +anything, I should not have minded it half so much; but your 'I don't +know,' cut me home." + +"I am sorry--" + +"No, don't be sorry, for I am glad. If you had not come before all the +good of Miss Cameron had gone off from me, what should I have been? O, +Marian, I am very glad you are come back; I did not know I liked you +half so well till you were gone." + +"I am sure I might say the same" almost whispered Marian, in a choked +tone, under her bonnet. Caroline caught it up eagerly, and seizing her +by both hands, exclaimed, stooping forward to peep at her face, "Marian, +Marian, do you say so? And are you really not so very miserable at +coming back to us?" + +A tear, one of Marian's very reluctant tears, actually rushed from her +eye, and with a hard struggle to speak, she said, "Miserable! how can +you say so? You are so very kind to me." + +"And do you not hate us?" said Caroline, with, an arch look of delight, +then softened into something of mournfulness. "Nay, I did not mean that; +but you can bear to be with us after your own Agnes,--after those good +people,--after such a home as Fern Torr?" + +"O, Caroline, this is very unlike my first coming to you!" + +"Yes, I know we were not kind; we were not as we ought to have been to +you." + +"No, no, no; I was stiff and disagreeable; I would not be pleased," said +Marian, forgetting all coldness but her own. + +"No wonder. O, Marian," and Caroline's voice trembled, "no one knows +better than I do how much there is to be lamented in our ways of going +on,--how different our house is from Fern Torr." Marian could not say +no. "You were too good for us; you are still, I would not see you like +us; but if we could make you comfortable enough to think Oakworthy not +an exile, but something like a home, how glad I should be!" + +Marian laid her hand on Caroline's arm; and, with an effort that cost +her a spasm in her throat, she said, "You have!" Not another word could +she get out; but this was enough. Caroline kissed her for the first time +in her life, except at the formal partings at bed-time, and there were +tears on both their faces. After a time, Caroline broke into the flood +of thoughts in her cousin's mind, by saying, playfully, "When folks are +missed, then they are mourned, people say; and I am sure you deserve the +compliment, for till you were gone, I never knew your value. How many +silly fancies of Clara's have flourished, for want of your indifference +to put them down! How stupid it has been not to have you to read with, +or talk to! How lonely the drawing-room has been, and nothing but +nonsense if I went to the schoolroom. And then the boys,--Lionel has +been so unruly there was no bearing it, and grumbling for you every day; +and Johnny,--O, Marian, do you know it is settled that Johnny goes to +sea, after all?" + +"Johnny! I know he wished it, but I thought Mrs. Lyddell never would +make up her mind to it." + +"Ah! there have been storms in the higher quarters," said Caroline, with +would-be gaiety. "You are very lucky to have been away all this time, +for it has been by no means a serene sky. You know," she proceeded with +gravity, "they say the times are bad; well, in the midst of papa's +vexation at the tenants asking for a reduction of rent, in came a whole +lot of Elliot's long bills, which made papa lecture Walter and me one +whole evening on economy, and caused him to be extremely annoyed with +everything and everybody, and to say mamma must give up her opposition +to Johnny's being a sailor; and I never saw mamma take anything so +really to heart. It has been very uncomfortable; and in the midst came +this business of poor Miss Morley, who had rather harder measure in +consequence." + +"Poor little woman! Well, she was very good-natured," said Marian, glad +to turn the conversation from this account of family matters, not given +in the pleasantest style, but rather as if Caroline was trying to +conceal her real feelings by an air of satire. + +"She was like a child in authority. You see, we, who know her well, +never think of blaming her as if she had originated the mischief; while +mamma, who never did know her, cannot be persuaded that she simply +yielded to Clara." + +"That is not exactly the object one desires in a governess," said +Marian. "Well, poor thing! and how is Clara? is she very sorry?" + +"I really can hardly tell. I have been vexed with Clara myself, to tell +you the truth; for I thought she acted shabbily. The blame passed over +her, and lighted on Miss Morley; and she did not stretch out a hand to +help her. Now Clara knew that it was wrong to read those books, just as +well as you or I; indeed, it was all her doing; and I could not bear +to see, her thinking herself innocent, and led into the scrape by Miss +Morley. She did cry excessively, and was very unhappy when she found +Miss Morley was really going, and the parting was heart-rending; but +then the very next day, in spite of their confidential friendship, she +began to disclose the poor woman's follies one after another, till I am +quite tired of hearing of them. They must have grown much worse than +they were in our time. I never knew then that she was always fancying +people were in love with her." + +"T wonder what she will do!" + +"She would not be a bad governess where the mother looked after the +children. Well, I hope she will soon get another situation, poor thing!" + +"Yes, indeed, for I am afraid she never saved anything." + +"O, no, she frittered all her money away, and always was poor at +quarter-day; and she has only that old aunt to take care of her." + +"Poor thing, poor thing! If she would but have been firmer. And is Clara +to have another governess?" + +"No, mamma thinks her too old; but I am sure I hope she is to develope +more. I do not think you or I were like her at fifteen." + +"I think," said Marian, meditatively, "that Miss Morley and Clara helped +what--was not wise in each other." + +"Yes, that is my hope,--that when Clara is out of her influence, she may +grow wiser. People's minds do grow at different times, you know. Poor +little Clara! I want Walter to talk to her, but it is hard to bring +about; for they seem to have no common subject. Ours is a very odd +household; we all go our own ways in our own worlds. Papa and mamma each +have their way; and Elliot his way. Walter stands alone too; then I am a +sort of connecting-link between the schoolroom set and mamma,--yes, and +with Walter too: while the three boys are a party by themselves. O, +Marian, no wonder you did not like us." + +"Say no more of that, pray, Caroline." + +She made no answer, but after a pause, suddenly exclaimed, "Nothing +would matter, if it was not for Elliot. He is the root of all that has +gone wrong." + +"Is he at home?" + +"No; he went last week, and the storm lulled then. O, Marian, I am weary +of it all! But it is one comfort that you are come." + +Caroline certainly looked very much harassed, and her words showed that +every one had been out of temper, and she had been obliged to bear it +all. Marian was very sorry, and felt quite fond of her, as she answered, +with a kind tone, "Thank you." + +"Walter has been the only comfort; but then he has been very unhappy +too. I am afraid he knows more and worse of Elliot than he chooses to +tell me. And then he is so busy,--going up for his degree, you know, +after the vacation, and so nervous about it, that I have not liked to +talk to him about anything tiresome, because, poor fellow, he is +quite worried enough already. Well, but now tell me about pleasanter +things--your pretty Agnes, how is she? and Gerald?--I wanted to have +seen more of him. Was not he in glory?" + +"O, yes," said Marian, as a pang shot through her at this recall of her +anxieties. + +"And tell me the whole story of Saunders' wedding." + +The two cousins had so much to say, that the long reaches of white chalk +road and the bare downs had hardly time to pain Marian's eye; and she +was surprised so soon to find herself in the well-known street of +Oakworthy. + +It was not a hopeful prospect with which to return, after so happy a +summer as she had spent; and yet a degree of trouble gave Marian a +kindlier feeling towards the Lyddells. If it had not been for Gerald, +she would have arrived at Oakworthy in a bright temper. Even now the +discontent had been expelled by the dispositions fostered by Mr. +Wortley; and if there was a weight on her, it was not a burthen of +selfish repining,--the worst burthen of all. That Caroline had really +missed her,--that Caroline loved her,--was a discovery that warmed +her heart, and inclined her more than all before to look kindly on +Oakworthy, when she drove up to the door, and met Clara in the hall. + +Clara hung upon her, and overwhelmed her with kisses; Mrs. Lyddell +received her just as she had done before; and Walter shook hands +cordially, as if he was very glad to see her again. The talk went on +about visits and engagements, and each moment made Marian feel that her +Sunday world had passed from her, and her workday world begun again. + +Clara came to her room with her, partly to see her new maid, and partly +to talk with her about Miss Morley; but Marian, not wishing to have +Fanny immediately astonished by her random way of talking, gave a sort +of stern look and sign, which silenced poor Clara on that subject. There +were plenty more, however, and she talked on fast; indeed, Marian had +not two minutes alone that whole evening, till, somewhere towards +half-past eleven, her cousins bade her a final good-night. + +She had time at last to think over that parting with Gerald, which had +hung heavily on her all this time, without her being able to enter upon +the subject with herself. What did it mean? Was it so very bad a sign? +Did it really confirm all her fears? or was it not possible that he +might have got into some chance difficulty? Might he not be careless and +extravagant, without being seriously in fault? Yes; but this was but of +a piece with other things which she had observed. Alone, it might not +have been so alarming; but even apart from this, she could not be quite +happy about him, after all she had observed. And had she been weak? had +she done what was bad for him? O, for some one to consult!--some one +under whose charge to put him! Was it her own fault that she had missed +the opportunity with Mr. Wortley! + +To pray for him was all that could be done, and it in some degree +stilled that aching feeling in her heart. Yet, whenever she woke in the +night, she seemed to hear Caroline saying, "If it was not for Elliot!" +with a foreboding that "If it was not for Gerald!" might be on her +tongue in the same manner, for the rest of her life. + +Every time Gerald's name was mentioned, there was a pang; every time +she thought of him in solitude, the fear and anxiety gained strength. +Consciousness of ignorance added to its poignancy; and young as she was, +it would be hard to describe how much suffering she underwent in secret, +night after night, as she lay awake, in her perplexed musings on that +one absorbing thought. Yet they were like those vague nightly terrors +of wolves, darkness, or mysterious horrors, from which little children +often suffer so much, without revealing them, and entirely shake off by +day; for Marian awoke in the morning to cheerfulness and activity, with +spirits undepressed, full of interest in things around; and only when +reminded of her fears, secretly wincing at the sudden throb of pain. + +Marian's days were more at her own disposal than formerly. She might do +as she pleased all the morning,--sit in her own room, and choose her own +occupation; and she was just beginning to think over two or three bright +plans of usefulness. She would make a series of copies, from prints, of +Scripture subjects, for the Fern Torr children; she would translate some +stories for them, and she had devised many other things to be done; when +Caroline one day said to her, "Marian, I don't know if it is asking a +great deal, but if you could sit with us sometimes in the morning, it +would be a great gain. Mamma wants me to read with Clara. Now, you know +I have no authority; and doing it for a lesson, as if it was for Clara's +good, will only make her hate it, and pay no attention at all. But if we +read together, as if it was for our own benefit, she will join in, and +think it a womanly thing." + +Marian smiled at the ingenuity of the scheme, such as she would have +been a great deal too awkward, as well as too straightforward ever to +devise. It was a case where "no" could not have been said, but there +were many ways of acting a no; and Marian was so sorry to give up the +Scripture drawings, the idea of which had greatly delighted her when +proposed by Agnes, that she had it in her heart to have backed out of it +as often as she could. A little thought, however, convinced her, that to +help Caroline's plans for her sister's good was the foremost duty, that +to avoid it would be positive wrong and unkindness; so she resolved +to lend herself to it with all her might, even though Agnes might be +disappointed. + +And pray, why should Agnes be disappointed? Why were the drawing and +reading incompatible? Marian had taught herself to think it impossible +to do anything for Fern Torr, in public, for fear of being laughed at, +or observed upon; and these drawings, which were of sacred subjects, and +further involved some alterations of her own, would, she thought, be +worse than any. She mused a long time whether this was right feeling or +foolish bashfulness, and decided at last that it was a little of the +former trying to justify a great deal of the latter, and that Caroline +and Clara were not the same thing as Miss Morley and all the boys; so +with an effort, which, considering the occasion, was almost absurd in +its magnitude, she brought her portfolio down, began to draw, and did +not experience anything unpleasant in consequence. It was one of her +first practical lessons in the fancifulness of her shyness. Her cousins +took interest in what she was about, admired, and helped her to hunt +up subjects to make her series complete; indeed the three girls were +exceedingly comfortable together, and a pleasant, mutual good-feeling +constantly grew between them. Clara was certainly becoming less childish +and silly when no longer nominally under the authority of Miss Morley, +and the confidante of all her follies, but the companion of two sensible +girls, young and bright enough to enter into all the liveliness about +her that was not silliness and a great deal that was, and to drive away +some of her nonsense by laughing at it. + +The mornings were thus pleasant and satisfactory, the afternoons were +less certain to be agreeable. If there was a ride, it was delightful, +if a walk, it was all very well; but there was a third contingency, to +which Marian had become liable, of being carried forth with her green +card-case on a morning visiting expedition by Mrs. Lyddell, and this was +one which required all her powers of resignation, though the misfortune +was much more imaginary than real. + +There were three chances of the way of spending the evening too. The +first, the family party alone, this was pretty well, and though not +charming, was by far the best; Mrs. Lyddell's talk was agreeable, and to +sit with Caroline, and perhaps with the addition of Walter, at the small +table, working, reading, and talking, was as quiet and comfortable a way +of passing the time as might be. A dinner party at home was next best, +for she had her own quiet corners of conversation, and Walter would +sometimes come and take shelter there too, and get into a talk, as well +as if the room were empty of company, sometimes better, because his +mother could not hear him, and he was never so backward in telling his +real mind, as in her hearing. Worst of all was a party from home, where +she knew few persons, and disliked all she knew. + +Unhappily, this was generally her feeling towards all the neighbourhood; +and though it may seem to be a strong expression, it is scarcely too +much to say that in Marian's habitual frame she looked on every one that +could be considered as company in the light of natural enemies, leagued +to prevent her walks and rides, to tease her, and to spoil her evenings. + +This was partly the result of her constitutional shyness, but it would +have gone off, by this time, if she had not fostered it by imbibing Lady +Marchmont's exclusiveness. Marian would have been shocked to realize how +she despised and scorned her acquaintance--why? the answer would have +been hard to find--because they were company--because they were the +world--because they were Mrs. Lyddell's society--because she was +superior? How or why? She disdained them all, without knowing it, and +far less knowing why. She complied scrupulously with every rule of +formal politeness, and had become a tolerable mistress, by rote, of such +common-place small talk as served to fulfil her part, and make her not +feel herself absurd, but this was all; she would not let herself be +pleased or amused, she would not open her eyes to anything good or +agreeable about the people, except a very few favoured ones, chiefly +clergymen or their wives. + +It was very wrong, it was Marian's one great fault at this period of her +life, and it had the effect of making her almost disliked. Clara had +scarcely said too much in telling Agnes that her pride was often +remarked, for Mrs. Lyddell's neighbours were just the people to fancy +pride where it was not, especially where the rank was superior to their +own. Tall, handsome, and outwardly self-possessed, Miss Arundel did not +gain credit, from superficial observers, for shyness, and was looked +upon as a very haughty ungracious girl, while it was whispered that Mrs. +Lyddell had had a great deal of trouble with her. + +The autumn passed on in this manner, and towards its close, Elliot +returned from shooting in Scotland, and announced that his friend, Mr. +Faulkner, was coming to Oakworthy, to look at an estate, which was for +sale in the neighbourhood. + +Mrs. Lyddell was pleased, and questioned her son about Mr. Faulkner's +thousands a-year; then turning to Marian, said, + +"Surely, Marian, you know him; I heard of your meeting him and Lady +Julia at Lady Marchmont's." + +"Yes," said Marian, with her face of rigidity. + +"Ah! yes, to be sure, he told me so," said Elliot. + +"Any one but Marian would be impatient to know what he said of her," +said Caroline. + +"Do you want to know yourself, Caroline?" said Elliot; "shall I tell +you?" + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, in her curiosity, forgetting that Marian might +be pained. + +"Ah! you ought to be warned if you want to set your cap at him, for +she has forestalled you. Let me see, what was it he said? O, that Lady +Marchmont would scarcely be alone in her glory long, for, for such as +liked the style of thing, her cousin was as perfect a piece of carving +in white marble as he ever had seen." + +White marble was certainly not the comparison for Marian's cheeks at +that moment; it was pain and horror to her even to hear that she had +been spoken of between Elliot and Mr. Faulkner, and to be told it in +this manner, in public, was perfectly dreadful. She could neither sink +under the table nor run away, so with crimson face and neck, she kept +her post on the sofa, and every one saw she was intensely annoyed. +Elliot, who had told it in a mischief-making spirit, fancying he should +make his sister jealous, walked away, amusing himself with the notion +that he had sown the dragon's teeth; Caroline was very sorry to have +caused such painful blushes, yet was proud to hear of Marian's being +admired; and Mrs. Lyddell said not a word, but worked on with a jerk at +her thread, trying to persuade herself that she was not vexed that, as +Elliot said, her daughter had been forestalled. + +Marian did not recover herself sufficiently to say one word about Mr. +Faulkner till she was in her own room, and then when Caroline came, to +pity her for her blushes, and apologize for having occasioned them, she +said, "O! how I wish he was not coming!" + +"Why, don't you like him in return for his admiration?" + +"He is a horrible man!" said Marian. + +"Horrible, and why? What has he done to you? I am sure you are very +ungrateful." + +"Don't talk of it," said Marian, blushing furiously again, then +recollecting that she might give rise to a suspicion that he had already +said something to her, she added, "I don't--I don't mean anything about +that nonsense." + +"Well, but what do you mean? Is it really anything more than his being +Elliot's friend, and having dared to--." + +"No, but Caroline, don't say anything about it; it was what I heard +about him at the Marchmonts." + +"O what?" + +"It does not seem fair to tell how they talked over their guests, so +don't repeat it again, pray." + +"You seem to find it like having a tooth drawn. Well! I am sworn to +secrecy. I won't tell a living creature." + +"I am sure I know hardly anything, only that Lord Marchmont thinks very +badly of him, and was quite sorry he had been asked to dinner. And he +spoke of his having taken up Germanism, and oh! Caroline, for a man's +faith to be unsettled is the worst of all, for then there is nothing to +fall back upon." + +Caroline stood by Marian's fire, looking thoughtful for some moments. +"Yes," she said, "you and Walter are in the same mind there, but it is +not like what I was brought up to think. Miss Cameron used to teach us +that the being in earnest in believing was the thing rather than the +form of faith." + +"O, Caroline, that cannot be right. We have been commanded to hold one +form of faith, and it must be wrong to set up another and hold it." + +"Yes, but if people are not clear that only one was given to every one, +and that just as we say it is?" + +"Then it is very bad of them!" said Marian indignantly, "for I am sure +the Bible is quite clear--one faith--the form of sound words--the faith +once delivered to the saints." + +"I am quite clear about it," said Caroline. + +"O, of course," said Marian, looking at her with a sort of alarm at her +speaking of the possibility as regarded herself of not being clear. + +"But if people are not clear, what are they to do?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, quickly; "only I hope I shall never have +anything to do with such people; I can't judge for them; I had rather +not think about them; it is of no use." + +"Of no use--what, not if you could do such a person good?" + +"Only in this way," said Marian, taking up her Prayer Book, and turning +to the Collect for Good Friday. + +"Yes, but trying to convince?" + +"I should be afraid." + +"Afraid! Marian, I am sure nothing could hurt your faith." + +"I would not try," said Marian, shaking her head sadly. + +"But at that rate no one ever would be converted?" + +"You forget that there are clergymen." + +"Yes, but other people have done good." + +"O yes, but not women by arguing. O no, no, Caroline, we never ought to +put our weakness forward, as if it could guard the truth. You know the +wrong side may find stronger arguments than we are able to do--mind I +don't say than can be found--of course truth is the strongest of all, +but we may be overpowered, though the truth is not. We women should not +stand out to argue for the truth any more than we should stand out to +fight as champions in the right cause." + +"And is this the reason you never would argue?" + +"I don't know--I mean no, it was only because I had nothing to say; I +knew when a thing was right, but could not tell why, and the more you +asked, the more I did not know." + +"And do you know now?" + +"Sometimes," said Marian, "not often, but Mr. Wortley taught me some +things, and one grows up to others. But I could never explain even when +I know." + +"For instance--" said Caroline, laughing. + +"O that came, I don't know how. Have I said so much?" + +"A great deal that is very nice. Good night, Marian." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + "She seemed some nymph in her sedan, + Apparelled in exactest sort, + And ready to be borne to court." + + COWPER. + + +Mr. Faulkner came at the time appointed, and Caroline, who had kept +Marian's counsel, according to promise, was very curious to see how they +would behave towards each other. As to Marian, she was just what might +be expected,--more cold, distant, and stately than she had ever been to +the most vulgar of Mrs. Lyddell's acquaintance. She gave a chilling bend +to repel his attempt at shaking hands, made replies of the shortest when +he tried to talk to her, and would not look up, or put on the slightest +air of interest, at all the entertaining stories he was telling at +dinner. + +The others were all extremely pleased with him. Elliot had never before +brought home so agreeable a friend; a person who could talk of anything +but hunting and racing was a new thing among his acquaintance, and +every one was loud in his praise. Caroline, from having been prejudiced +against him by Marian's history, was more surprised than the others: +and scolded Marian, in the evening, for not having told them how very +agreeable he was. + +"I never can think any one agreeable when I know there is hollowness +within," said Marian. + +"I suppose Lord Marchmont knows," said Caroline, in a tone of annoyance +and of a little doubt; and there the conversation ended. + +Few people were ever more agreeable than Mr. Faulkner. He had read +everything, travelled everywhere, and was full of conversation suited to +every one. If Marain had not heard Lord Marchmont's account of him, she +must have liked him; but knowing what she did, she could and would not: +looking at him something as Madame Cottin's Matilde first looked at +Malek Adel, and not suffering herself to lose any of her horror. For the +first day or two her frigidity was something wonderful, as she found +him inclined to make attempts to cultivate her acquaintance; but she +thoroughly succeeded in repelling him. He left off trying to talk to +her; and one day when they were obliged to go in to dinner together, +only exchanged the fewest and most formal of words with her, and +positively neglected her for his other neighbour. + +After this, Marian did not quite so much overdo her stateliness. She +could afford to be like herself with the others, even when he was in the +room, though she never voluntarily took part in a conversation in +which he was engaged, and her coldest air came over her whenever he +approached. And it was well for her she could be so; for he stayed more +than a fortnight, decided on buying the estate of High Down, and was +asked to come again and make his head-quarters at Oakworthy, while +superintending the alterations. All were sorry when he went; even the +boys, whose first holiday week had been rendered very agreeable by his +good nature. Johnny and Gerald vied with each other in his praise, +heaping together a droll medley of schoolboy panegyrics; and Marian, not +wishing to tell them of her objections, allowed that he had been very +kind to them. + +The Christmas holidays passed, and left no change in the impression on +her mind regarding Gerald; only she heard no news of her two sovereigns, +and he did not so much as give her the opportunity of speaking to him +alone. The heartache was growing worse than ever, and she was beginning +to have a sort of desperate feeling that she would--she would--do she +knew not what--write to Mr. Wortley--write more strongly to Gerald than +she had ever yet dared to do--when one morning, a foreign looking letter +arrived, in handwriting she knew full well, though it had never before +been addressed to herself. There was company staying in the house, and +Marian was not sorry it was impossible to read it at the breakfast +table. She did not know what she was eating or what she was saying, and +ran away with it as soon as she could, to enjoy it in her own room. A +letter from Edmund! Could it be possible, or could it--O disappointing +thought!--be only some enclosure for her to forward. In alarm at the +idea, she tore it open. A long letter, and quite certainly to herself; +for there stood the three welcome words, "My dear Marian." She glanced +hastily down the first page, to make sure that there was nothing the +matter; but no, it was all right--he wrote in his own lively style. He +began by saying it was so long since he had heard from England, that he +was growing afraid he was forgotten, and felt very small when the post +came in, and brought something for every one but him; and he was going +to try a fresh person, since he was growing desperate, and had sent +appeals in vain to all his correspondents. He asked many questions about +home friends, and about Marian herself; and then told much to +interest her about his own doings, his way of living, and his hunting +expeditions, with all the strange wild beasts with which they had made +him acquainted, and he concluded thus:--"I hope you will write soon, and +that you will be able to give me a flourishing account of Gerald. His +silence may mean nothing, but it may also mean so much, that to hear +he is going on particularly well would be double satisfaction just +at present. Therefore with a view to what passed in our last walk at +Oakworthy, tell me if you are completely satisfied with regard to him." + +It was a ray of light upon all Marian's perplexities; showing her what +course to take, and filling her with hope. Her confidence in Edmund's +power of setting everything right was still unchanged, and when Gerald's +case was fully before him, he would know how to judge, and what to do; +it would all be safe and off her mind. She felt sure that this had been +the very reason of his writing; and full of gratitude, and infinitely +relieved, she opened her desk, as if to answer was the easiest and most +comfortable thing in the world. + +She did not, however, get on quite as fast as she expected; she dreaded +equally the saying too much, or too little,--the giving Edmund actually +a bad impression of her poor Gerald, or letting him think that there was +no cause for anxiety. Then she thought the best way would be merely to +give the facts, and let him draw his own conclusions; but these facts +were in themselves trifles light as air, and it seemed unkind to send +them across half the world. She left off trying to write, and resolved +to give herself time for consideration; but time only made her more +perplexed. She waited a week, wrote at last, and as soon as her letter +was fairly gone, thought of forty different ways of saying the thing +better and more justly, dwelt again and again on each line that could +convoy a false impression one way or the other, and reproached herself +by turns for having spoken disadvantageously of her dear affectionate +brother, and for not having let her cousin fairly see the full extent of +the mischief. On the whole, however, she was much happier now that it +was all in Edmund's hands; so much so, that when Mr. Faulkner came +again, she could not be quite so stiff; and being entirely relieved +from the fear of his taking notice of her, could do him the favour of +laughing when he told anything amusing. + +Winter and early spring came and went; the Easter holidays brought +Gerald home, and she tried again in vain to get him to write to Edmund; +but she could bear it better now that she had hopes. + +They went to London, and Marian was carried into the midst of all the +gaieties supposed to befit her age and situation. Mrs. Lyddell would +have thought herself very far from "doing her justice," if she had +not taken her to all the balls and parties in her way; and Marian was +obliged to submit, and get into the carriage, when she had much rather +have gone to bed. + +She put off the expectation of much enjoyment till Lady Marchmont should +come, and her arrival took place unusually late that season. She had +not been well, and little Willie had been somewhat ailing; so that the +bringing him into London air was put off as long as possible. It was not +till the latter part of May that she came, as she had always promised to +do, in time for Marian's presentation at court, on which both she and +Mrs. Lyddell were bent; and Marian ready to endure it, by the help of a +few romantic thoughts of loyalty. The day after Lady Marchmont arrived, +she called at Mrs. Lyddell's and came in, as she generally did once in +a year. After her visit was over, she asked Marian to come and take a +drive, and no sooner where they in the carriage, than she exclaimed, "A +nice looking girl, that Miss Lyddell! Is she the one who is to marry Mr. +Faulkner?" + +"O, Selina! how could you have heard such nonsense?" + +"What, is it to be denied? It is not settled, then?" + +"No, nor ever will be." + +"Why, surely the man has been spending months at Oakworthy." + +"Only weeks; besides, he was buying a house." + +"A very proper preliminary to a wife." + +"O, no, no it is impossible!" + +"But why? Perhaps you know some good reason to the contrary; for I heard +he admired you very much when he met you last year." + +"Don't say such things, Selina. How could you fancy it possible, after +all the horrid things Lord Marchmont said of him!" + +"What is impossible, my dear? That he should think you very handsome?" + +"Don't, Selina, pray don't! That any body good for any thing should ever +marry him!" + +"Any body good for any thing!" repeated Selina. "Well, granted,--and +it is a considerable grant,--does that make the supposition out of the +question?" + +"Yes, as regards Caroline. O, Selina! you do not know Caroline, or you +would not look so incredulous!" + +"Time will show," said Lady Marchmont, gaily. "I reserve to myself the +satisfaction of having known it beforehand." + +"It never will be," said Marian. "And how is little Willie?" + +"Very well, poor little man, if he would only grow, but he is so small, +that I am fairly ashamed to show such a hop-o'-my-thumb. But he is +coming out quite a genius; he reads as well as I do, and makes the +wisest speeches." + +And the history of his wise speeches occupied them for some time, with +other matters, until just as their drive was nearly concluded, Selina +exclaimed, "But all this time I have never asked you if you can throw +any light on this extraordinary step of Edmund Arundel's?" + +"What do you mean?" cried Marian. + +"Have you not heard that he has exchanged, and is coming home? The most +foolish thing,--just as he might have been sure of promotion. It is not +likely to be health, for the climate agreed very well with him." + +"Yes," assented Marian, wrapt in her own thoughts; "but did he write to +you?" + +"Not a word; we only saw it in the Gazette, and Lord Marchmont would +hardly believe it could be he; but it was but too plain,--Lieutenant +Edmund Gerald Arundel. It is very strange; he was not wont to do foolish +things." + +"No," said Marian, mechanically. + +"And you know nothing about it? You know him better than we do. Ho +seemed the very man for the Colonies, with no ties at home, unless--no, +it is impossible--unless there could be a lady in the case." + +"O, no!" replied Marian colouring so much at the secret consciousness of +his motive, that Selina laughed, saying, "I could almost suspect you, in +spite of your demureness, of being the very lady. However, I am glad you +think there is no truth in my surmise, for he could not do a more absurd +thing than marry. Only when a man gives up all his prospects in this +way, there is nothing too preposterous to be expected to come next." + +By this time they were at Mrs. Lyddell's door, and Marian gladly +escaped, feeling stunned at the effect her letter had produced. How +noble, how kind, how generous, how self-devoted Edmund was! this was the +prominent thought. She knew him to be very fond and very proud of his +regiment, to be much attached to several of his brother officers, and to +have given them more of his affection than persons with home interests +generally do; indeed, they had served him instead of home. All his +success in life, and his hopes of promotion, given up too,--sacrifices +which she could not estimate; and it was she who had caused them. She +had thoughtlessly led him to do himself all this injury, out of his +kindness and affection, and his sense of duty towards her and her +brother. She was very unhappy when she thought of this; then came the +bright ray of joy and relief in hope and confidence for Gerald,--Gerald +saved, saved from corruption, ruin, from being like Elliot, from +breaking her heart, made all that his father and mother would have made +him, her pride, her delight, the glory and honour of Fern Torr,--O, +joy, joy! And the mere seeing Edmund again,--joy, joy! Yes, the joy far +predominated over the pain and regret; indeed, be the injury to himself +what it might, who could be sorry that he had acted so nobly? Yes, +Marian was happy; her eyes were bright, her smile frequent; she laughed +with Clara, she romped with little Willie Marchmont, she was ungracious +to none but Mr. Faulkner who came to the house so much, that she began +to fear that Caroline might have the annoyance of an offer from him, +more especially since he had made his mother and sister call on Mrs. +Lyddell, and Miss Faulkner seemed to intend to be intimate. + +The day of the drawing-room had come; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline were +going, and Marian was of course to go with Lady Marchmont. She had just +been full dressed, and had come down stairs to wait for Lady Marchmont's +carriage, when a step was heard approaching. She thought it was the +servant, to announce it; it was the servant, but the announcement was +not what she expected. It was "Mr. Arundel,"--and Edmund stood before +her, browner, thinner, older, but still Edmund himself. + +She could not have spoken; she only held out her hand, and returned his +strong pressure with all the force her soft fingers were capable of. +Mrs. Lyddell spoke, he answered, explanations were given and received, +and still she stood as if she was dreaming, until he turned to her, and +said, "Well, Marian, these are transformations indeed?" + +"I can't help it," said Marian. + +"Do you think I want you to help it? I suppose I need not ask if the +Marchmonts are in town?" + +"Lady Marchmont presents Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell; "we expect her +carriage every minute." + +And just then the announcement really came. + +"Her carriage, not herself?" said Edmund. "Well, I think I might go +with you to her house, Marian, if your feathers are not ashamed of such +shabby company." + +"O, pray come!" + +"And you will return to dinner, I hope, Mr. Arundel," said Mrs. Lyddell, +"at half-past seven? Mr. Lyddell will be so glad to see you." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, and the two cousins went down stairs +together. As soon as they were in the carriage, Edmund said, "A lucky +moment to come in. It is something to have seen you in all your +splendour. You have grown into something magnificent!" + +"All this finery makes me look taller than I really am." + +"Nevertheless, however you may try to conceal it, I am afraid you have +turned into the full grown cat. I saw it in your letter." + +"O, Edmund, I am so sorry I wrote that letter." + +"Why? Are you happier about Gerald?" + +"No, I don't know that I am," said Marian, sighing; "but--but I little +thought it would make so much difference to you. I did not know what I +was doing." + +"I am glad of it, or you would not have written so freely; though after +all you could not have helped being like a sensible straightforward +person." + +"O, it is untold relief that you are come; and yet I must be sorry--" + +"I won't have you sorry. No one should regret having told the honest +truth. The fact is, I ought never to have gone. And poor Gerald?" + +"I have no more to say, only vague fears. But now you are come, it is +all right." + +"Don't trust too much to me, Marian. Remember, it will be a generous +thing in Gerald if he attends to me at all. He is not obliged to do so." + +"You will--you must do everything. Gerald is as fond of you as ever, I +know he is, though he would not write. O, I am glad! You heard of our +delightful going home, I hope?" + +"Yes. All well there?" said Edmund, hurriedly. + +"Very well. Agnes is grown so tall, and it is so very nice there. The +old Manor house--" + +"Well," he broke in suddenly; "and how do you get on with Selina +Marchmont." + +"She is very, very kind. But O! here we are in her street, and I shall +have no more of you to-day." + +"Not at dinner?" + +"O; it is a great, horrid party, as Mrs. Lyddell should have warned +you." + +"Could not I take you in to dinner?" + +"I am afraid not. Mrs. Lyddell will never treat me as if I was at home, +and I am afraid there is an honourable man that I must be bestowed on." + +They had reached Lady Marchmont's door, and going up stairs, found her +looking like a princess in a fairy tale, in her white plumes and her +diamonds; and Willie, the smallest, most delicate, and prettiest of +little boys, admiring the splendours of his papa's yeomanry uniform. + +In spite of being considerably provoked with Edmund for having come +home, Lord and Lady Marchmont welcomed him with as much warmth as if +it was the most prudent thing he could have done. They insisted on his +coming to stay at their house, and as it was full time to set off, left +him to see about his worldly goods being transported thither. + +"Has he told you his reason, Marian?" asked Selina, as soon as the two +ladies and their trains were safely disposed of, in the carriage. + +"I know them," said Marian, her colour rising, "and most noble they are; +but I had rather let him tell you himself." + +"Marian's discretion again," said Lord Marchmont, smiling. + +"Only set me at rest on one point," said Selina; "it is no love affair, +I hope?" + +"No, indeed," said Marian; "or do you think he would have told me?" + +Probably there were few young ladies who played their part that day in +the drawing-room, that last remnant of the ancient state and majesty of +our courts, with happier minds, or less intent on their own appearance, +than Marian Arundel. She was very glad when the bustle and crowd were +over, and she could be alone to enjoy the certainty that Edmund was +really at home again. + +He came according to promise that evening, but she could not have much +conversation with him, as he was placed at a distance from her, the +greater part of the time. He was not sorry to be thus able to watch her, +though he did not see her in the point of view in which she pleased him +best. She looked better now, he thought, than in the court dress; for +the broad, simple, antique braids of her dark hair, only adorned by two +large pearl pins, suited better than the plumes and lappets, with the +cast of her classical features. All that he had thought promised +beauty, as a child, had fulfilled the promise, and the countenance, the +expression, would have been fine, seen on a much plainer face, and as +she eat there, her black, shady eyes cast down, her dark pencilled +eyebrows contrasting with her colourless cheek, and her plain white +drapery in full folds, flowing round her, she might have been some +majestic lady in a mysterious picture, who had stepped from her frame +into a scene belonging to another age. She looked as if she was acting a +tableau; she moved, indeed, and smiled, and spoke occasionally; but the +queen-like deportment of her neck did not relax; her lips resumed their +statue-like expression; there was no smile about the eye, no interest +in the air. She was among the company, but not of them; neither shy nor +formal, but as if she belonged to some other sphere, and had only come +there by mistake. Edmund could have counted the times, for they were +few enough, when her head bent forward with eagerness, and there was +animation in her face. + +How different from Caroline! her brightly coloured, blooming face +sparkling with life and light; flowers among her light, shining hair; +her dress of well-chosen, tasteful, brilliant tints, ornament, lace +and ribbon, all well assorted in kind and quantity, her alert, lively +movements carrying her from one group to another, with something +pleasant and appropriate to say to all, bringing smiles and animation +with her wherever she went. Not that Edmund did not prefer his cousin's +severe simplicity, and admire it as something grand; but that stern +grandeur was not all that fitted the place; and though he thought her +beautiful, he was not satisfied. + +Edmund had some talk with Mrs. Lyddell, who spoke of Gerald with great +warmth; more, he thought, than she showed in the mention of Marian. He +stayed till the last, and saw the relaxation of her grand company-face, +before he wished them good night. + +"Well," said Mrs. Lyddell, as the door closed behind him, and she +lighted her candle, "Africa has not robbed Mr. Arundel of all his good +looks. How old is he?" + +"Nearly twenty-eight," said Marian. + +"I am always forgetting that he is so young," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Well, +good night. I wonder what brought him home?" + +"I do not wonder, for it is plain enough," said Caroline, as the girls +turned up their own staircase. + +"Marian tries to look innocent," said Clara, laughing violently. + +"I am sure I don't understand," said Marian. + +"Now I am sure that is on purpose to make us explain," said Clara. "It +is too bad, Marian; when he came straight to you, instead of going to +Lady Marchmont." + +"And the tete-a-tete in the carriage," said Caroline. + +"Don't be so ridiculous," said Marian; "but I believe you like such +jokes so well, that you would make them out of anything." + +"I don't make a joke of it at all. I always thought it was with that +very view, he was made your guardian." + +"You very absurd persons, good night!" said Marian, shutting her door, +and laughing to herself at such a very ludicrous idea as such a scheme +on the part of her father. + +These kind of jokes, of which some people are still very fond, may be +very hurtful, since a young girl's inexperience may found far more upon +them than the laughers ever intended. Caroline and Clara were not acting +a kind part, though they were far from any unkind meaning. Marian had +great susceptibility and deep affections; and had her mind been less +strong, her happiness might have been seriously injured. Even if their +observations had no real meaning, and no effect on her heart, yet they +could not fail to occasion her many moments of embarrassment, and might +interfere with her full, free confidence in her best and earliest +friend. + +In some degree they had this result. Marian began to be aware that her +situation with Edmund was not without awkwardness,--that he was still +a young man, and that she was now a young woman; and whilst shocked +at herself, and disliking the moment that had opened the door to the +thought, was obliged to consider how far there might be truth in the +suggestion. + +She was quite sure that she had influenced him strongly, quite sure that +he regarded her with warm affection; she wished she was equally sure it +was with a brother's love. Yes, she wished, for to think otherwise would +lower him in her estimation. He was her first cousin, and if first +cousins had better not marry he would never think of it; besides, the +merit of his sacrificing all for Gerald's good would be lost, and +his return would have been an act of self-gratification instead of +self-devotion. No, she would not, could not believe any such thing; she +was certain Edmund never would be so weak as to wish to do anything only +doubtfully right, and thus, strangely enough, her full trust in the +dignity of his character, prevented her from imagining him in love with +her. + +Still she knew her cousins were watching her, and this prevented her +from ever meeting him in thorough comfort at Mr. Lyddell's; and even +when at Lord Marchmont's, her maidenly reserve had been so far awakened +as to make her shrink back from the full freedom of their former +intercourse. This, however, was more in her feeling than in her manners, +which, if they differed at all from what they were formerly, only seemed +to be what naturally arose from her growth in years. + +She observed that he was not in good spirits. It was not what others, +not even Selina, could perceive, but Edmund and Marian had known each +other too well and too long, not to read each other's faces, and know +the meaning of each other's tones. She did not expect him to be as merry +as in olden days at home, nor did she desire it; but there was more +depression about him than she thought comfortable, and she was sure that +it was an effort to him to talk in the lively way that had once been +natural to him. She was afraid he felt the separation from his friends +in his old regiment very severely, or else that he was very anxious +about Gerald, and yet she had found out that the tenderest point of all +was Fern Torr, for he either would not or could not speak of that, but +always contrived to turn the conversation as soon as it was touched +upon. She grieved over his unhappiness a great deal, and yet would not +enter on any questioning, from an innate feeling, that it would not +be becoming. He was only to stay a very short time in London, before +joining his regiment at Portsmouth, and he meant to go and spend a day +at Eton to see Gerald, but Lady Marchmont suddenly proposed that they +should all go together; she said she must inspect Eton before Master +Willie was ready to go, and that it would be a charming scheme to take +Marian and surprise Gerald. Marian had a few secret doubts whether this +was exactly the most suitable way of fulfilling Edmund's intentions, +but it was so delightful a treat that she laid aside her scruples, and +Selina coaxed her husband into finding a day to accompany them. + +So one fine June morning, the day before Edmund's departure, they set +off, Selina's high spirits and Marian's happiness giving the party a +very joyous aspect. Father Thames looked as stately and silvery as ever, +the playing fields smiled in the sunshine, and Windsor Castle looked +down on them majestically. Marian felt it a holiday to have escaped from +London into so fair a scene, and even if she had come for nothing else, +would have been happy in beholding some of the most honoured spots in +the broad realm of England. + +She had many questions to ask, but Lord Marchmont was taken up with +showing his old haunts to his wife, and she was walking some distance in +front, with Edmund, on whose face there was an expression of melancholy +thought that she would not disturb. He was an Etonian, and how fall of +remembrances must all be around him. + +Presently two or three boys met them running, and were passing them, +when Marion exclaimed, "There is Lionel!" "Lyddell!" called Edmund, and +one of them stopped, so taken by surprise that Marian was for a moment +horrified by thinking she had mistaken him; but the next glance +re-assured her, for she knew Lionel's way of standing, and his hat +pulled far over his forehead. + +"Lionel," said she, "where is Gerald?" + +"Hallo! You here!" said he, wheeling round so that the light might not +be in his eyes, and shading them with one hand while he tried to make +out Edmund, and gave his other hand to Marian. + +"How did you come here? Are any of the people at home here?" + +"No, this is my cousin Edmund. I am come with the Marchmonts." + +"You have quite forgotten me," said Edmund, shaking hands. + +"Not if I could see you," said Lionel, frowning at the light, as he +looked up. + +"O, Lionel, how bad your eyes are!" exclaimed Marion. + +"I have just been reading, and there is such a _hideous_ sunshine +to-day," said Lionel. + +"And where is Gerald?" + +"I'll go and fetch him." + +"Where is he?" + +"I'll find him," and off he ran, with a fresh pull of his hat over his +forehead to keep off the hideous sunshine. The Marchmonts came up at the +moment, and were told who he was, and that he was gone to find Gerald. +Edmund asked what was the matter with his eyes. + +"They are never very good," said Marian. "Reading and strong light +always hurt them." + +"Has he had any advice?" + +"The surgeon at Oakworthy looked at them last Christmas, when the snow +dazzled them, but he did not think there was much amiss with them. It +was always so. But where can Gerald be?" + +In the space of about five minutes, Gerald and Lionel appeared, and the +former came up to them alone, with a look which had more of shyness than +of pleasure, and his greeting, while more courteous, was less open and +cordial than Lionel's had been. They all went together to the house of +the boys' tutor, who had also been Edmund's; there was a great maze of +talking and introductions: Lady Marchmont made herself very charming to +the mistress of the house: Edmund and the tutor disappeared together, +and did not come back till the others had nearly finished a most +hospitable luncheon; after which the visitors set out to see all that +there was time to see, and Marian caused Gerald to fetch Lionel to +accompany them. + +Lionel walked with Edmund and Marian, but Gerald on the other hand +attached himself to Lord and Lady Marchmont, talking to them freely and +pleasantly, answering Selina's questions, much to her amusement and +satisfaction, and Lord Marchmont comparing notes with him, as old +Etonians delight to do with "the sprightly race, disporting" for the +time being, on the "margen green" of Father Thames. A particularly +lively, pleasant, entertaining, well-mannered boy was Gerald, but, all +the time, Marian was feeling that he was holding aloof both from her and +Edmund, never allowing either of them the opportunity of speaking to him +alone, for even a minute; and his manner, whenever Edmund either spoke +to him or looked at him, was such as to betray to her that he was ill at +ease. + +Thus it was while they viewed the chapel, the court, with what Selina +was pleased to call "Henry's holy shade," the upper school, the hundred +steps, the terrace, and beautiful S. George's, with its gorgeous banners +and carved stalls, and blazoned shields, that glimpse into the Gothic +world of chivalry and romance; and in the midst of it that simple flat +stone, which thrills the heart with a deep feeling at once of love, +sorrow and reverence; that stone which recalls the desolate night which, +in darkness and ruin, amid torn banners, and scutcheons riven, saw the +Martyr king go white to his grave. Marian entered into all these things, +in spite of her anxiety, for her mind was free enough to be open to +external objects, now that her brother was in Edmund's hands, and she +was relieved of that burthen of responsibility which had so pressed on +her. + +Such was their Eton day, and with no more satisfaction from Gerald did +they part at the Slough station. The Marchmonts were loud in his praise, +Marian sought the real opinion in Edmund's eyes, but he was leaning +back, looking meditative, and when first he roused himself to enter into +conversation, it was of Lionel and not of Gerald that he spoke. + +"Do you say that any one has looked at that boy's eyes?" + +"Yes, Mr. Wells, the Oakworthy apothecary." + +"Do you know what is thought of him?" + +"I don't know," said Marian considering. "He attends a good many people, +I believe he is thought well of; but no one ever is ill at home, so I +have no experience of him. Yes, he was called in once when we all had +the measles, and last winter about Lionel's eyes. I am sure I don't know +whether he is what you would call a good doctor or not; all I know is, +that he is not at all like Dr. Oldham." + +Edmund smiled. "Has Mrs. Lyddell not been uneasy?" + +"O no!" said Marian. "No one ever troubles their head about Lionel, +besides it was always so." + +"Always how?" + +"His eyes were always weak, and easily tired and dazzled, from the very +first when I knew him. They don't look as if there was anything amiss +with them, and so people don't suspect it." + +"I think they do look very much amiss," said Edmund. "Do not you observe +an indistinctness about the pupil, between it and the iris? Can you tell +whether that was always the case?" + +"I don't know, I see what you mean. I should say it had begun of late. +Do you think it so bad a sign?" she asked anxiously. + +"I am not sure; I only know if he belonged to me, I should not like it +at all." + +Marian pondered and feared, and considered if it would be possible +to stir up Mrs. Lyddell; she herself was much startled, and rather +indignant; but she doubted greatly whether poor Lionel was of sufficient +importance in the family for any one to be very anxious on his account. +In the meantime, she was extremely desirous of hearing what account +Edmund had received from the tutor respecting her brother, but she had +no opportunity till late in the evening, when he came and sat by her on +the sofa, saying, "Now, Marian, I will answer your anxious eyes, though +I am afraid I have nothing very satisfactory to tell you. I don't know +that there is any positive harm--it is only the old story of a clever +boy with too much money, and too much left to himself. Idleness and +thoughtlessness." + +"And what shall you do?" + +"I don't know--I must think." + +Whereupon they both sat silent. + +"I shall see you again in the summer," said he. + +"O yes--perhaps you will come in Gerald's holidays." + +Another silence, then she said, "Do you think very badly of poor +Lionel's eyes?" + +"No, I don't say that, for I know nothing, only I wonder his family are +not more anxious." + +"I shall see if Mrs. Lyddell will believe there is cause for alarm." + +The carriage was announced, she wished him good-bye again, thanked her +cousins for her pleasant day, and departed, wondering to herself how it +could have been a pleasant day, as after all it had been, in spite of +doubt and anxiety and care. + +She told Mrs. Lyddell when she came in, that she had seen Lionel. + +"How were his eyes?" asked Caroline. + +"I am afraid they were more dazzled than usual." + +No one said anything, and after a pause she went on. "Edmund remarked +a sort of indistinctness about the pupil, which he said was not a good +sign." + +"What was that?" said Mr. Lyddell looking up, and Marian, startled, yet +glad to have attracted his notice, repeated what she had said. "Did not +Wells look at his eyes last winter?" he said, turning to his wife. + +"Yes, he said he could not see anything the matter with them--they must +be spared--and he sent a mixture to bathe them. Lionel has been using it +continually." + +"How would it be to have him up here to see some one?" said Mr. Lyddell. + +"Better wait for the holidays," answered his wife. "It would be the +worst thing possible to set him thinking, about his eyes in the middle +of the half-year. Little as he does now, it would soon be less, and his +eyes have kept him back so much already that he really cannot afford to +lose any more time." + +There it ended, Mrs. Lyddell was not to be alarmed; she had been too +long used to prosperity even to contemplate the possibility that harm +should come nigh to her or to her dwelling. Mr. Lyddell, who left all +family matters to her, forgot all about it, and though Marian talked +Caroline into some fears on the subject, Caroline could do no more than +she could herself. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + "_Benedict_. What, my dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?" + + "_Beatrice_. Is it possible Disdain should die while she has such + meet food to feed her?" + + _Much Ado about Nothing._ + + +The Lyddell family did not continue in London much longer; it had been a +short season, and though the session of Parliament was not over, most +of the ladies were taking flight into the country, before the end of +June,--Mrs. Lyddell among the rest,--and her husband went backwards and +forwards to London, as occasion called him. + +The girls were glad to get into the country, but Marian soon found that +she had not escaped either from gaieties, or from the objects of her +aversion; for Mr. Faulkner brought his mother and sisters to High Down +House, gave numerous parties there, and made a constant interchange of +civilities with the family at Oakworthy. Archery was pretty much the +fashion with the young ladies that year; it was a sport which Marian +liked particularly, having often practised it with Edmund and Agnes, and +her bow and arrows were always the first to be ready. + +One day when Marian, Caroline, and Clara were shooting on the lawn at +Oakworthy, Mr. and Miss Faulkner rode from High Down, came out on the +lawn, and joined them. From that moment, any one could see the change +that came over Marian. Instead of laughing and talking, teaching Clara, +and paying only half attention to her own shooting, she now went on as +if it was her sole object, and as if she had no other purpose in life. +She fixed her arrows and twanged her string with a rigidity as if the +target had been a deadly enemy, or her whole fate was concentrated in +hitting the bull's eye; and when her arrows went straight to the mark, +or at least much straighter than those of any one else, she never +turned her head, or vouchsafed more than the briefest answer to the +exclamations around. + +The others were talking of archery in general and in particular,--just +what, if it had not been Mr. Faulkner, would have delighted her; but +she would not hear him. He might speak of the English long-bow, and +the cloth yard-shaft, and the butts at which Elizabeth shot, and the +dexterity required for hitting a deer, and of the long arrow of the +Indian, and the Wourali reed of South America,--as long as he spoke it +was nothing to her, let Caroline smile and answer, and appeal to her as +much she would. Then came a talk about archery meetings and parties, in +which at last they all grew so eager, that they stood still round the +return target, and Marian could not shoot back again without perilling +them; so she unstrung her bow, and stood apart with a stern face, which +made her look a great deal more like Diana, than she by any means +suspected or desired. + +Two days after, there came a note from Miss Faulkner,--Julia, as she had +requested to be called,--saying that her brother was so delighted with +the archery schemes that had been discussed, that he could not give them +up, and intended to give a grand fete at High Down,--archery in the +morning, a ball in the evening, and all the ladies who liked, to be in +costume. She ended by begging Caroline to come to luncheon that day, or +the next, to enter into council on the subject. There was great delight; +such an entertainment was quite a novelty in the neighbourhood, and the +costume seemed to make it all the more charming in the eyes of Caroline, +Clara, and their mother; all were talking at once, and wondering what it +could or should be, while Marian went on reading imperturbably without +one remark. + +"It ought to be in Robin Hood's time, if only for the sake of Maid +Marian," said Caroline. "She will be quite sure to win the prize." + +"O yes, that she will," said Clara; "she shoots so much better than any +one else." + +"I shall not shoot in public," said Marian, looking up for a moment, and +then going on with her book. + +"You will do nothing to make yourself particular," said Mrs. Lyddell: +"it will be very silly to set your face against this fete, when every +one knows how fond you are of archery." + +"We don't know anything yet about what is to be," said Caroline, +quickly; and at that moment Elliot, coming in, offered to ride with her +to High Down, whereupon she hastened to get ready. Such an obliging +offer from her brother was certainly too uncommon a thing to be +neglected, in spite of the unwonted graciousness and amiability which +Elliot had for the last few weeks assumed towards her. + +When she was gone, Marian and Clara resumed their ordinary occupations, +and one of them at least troubled herself no more about the fete, until, +shortly before dinner time, Elliot, Caroline, and Mr. Faulkner all rode +up to the front door. Mr. Faulkner, it appeared, was come to dinner, and +to carry on the consultation, since he was extremely eager about the +scheme, and no time was to be lost in sending out the invitations. +The Sherwood Forest plan had been talked over, and abandoned as too +common-place. It was to be a Kenilworth fete; eight young ladies of Lady +Julia's especial party were to appear in the morning in a pretty uniform +dress, a little subdued from the days of the ruff and farthingale; and +in the evening there was to be a regular Kenilworth quadrille, in which +each lady or gentleman was to assume the dress of some character of +Queen Elizabeth's court. In fact, as Mr. Faulkner said;-- + + "Gorgeous dames and statesmen bold + In bearded majesty appear." + +Amy Robsart, Katherine Seymour, Anne Clifford, Frances Walsingham, +Mildred Cecil, and other ladies of the time were mentioned, and then +came the counting up of their eight living representatives,--the two +Misses Faulkner, Caroline, yes, and Clara herself, who started and +danced with ecstasy, then glanced entreatingly at her mother, who looked +doubtful; Marian, two cousins of the Faulkners, who were always ready +for anything, and a Miss Mordaunt, were reckoned up, and their dresses +quickly discussed; but all the time Marian said not a word. She was +thinking of the waste of time and consideration, the folly, levity +and vanity, the throwing away of money, all this would occasion, and +enjoying in her own mind the pleasure of resisting it _in toto_. She +supposed she must go to the archery meeting, though why people could +not be contented to shoot on their own lawns, instead of spoiling their +pleasure by all this fuss, she could not guess; but make a show of +herself and her shooting, be stared at by all the world,--that she would +never do. Nor would she make a figure of herself at the ball, and spend +the money which she wanted very much for her poor people and her +books, now that her court dress and London finery had eaten up such an +unconscionable share of her allowance. Increased as it was, she had +never felt so poor as at present; she wanted Mrs. Jameson's "Sacred and +Legendary Art" for herself, and there were all the presents to be sent +to the old people at Fern Torr; and should these be given up for the +sake of appearing as the fair Anne Clifford, or some such person, for +one evening, during which she would be feeling most especially unnatural +and uncomfortable? No indeed! and she trusted that she had a very good +and sufficient defence against all such foolery, in the slight mourning +which she was wearing for one of the Marchmont connection. True, she had +thought of leaving it off next Sunday, but no matter; it would be such +armour as was not to be lightly parted with; and if she went to the ball +at all, it should never, never be as the heiress of the Cliffords, but +as the faithful mourning relation of old Mr. Thomas Marchmont, her +second cousin once removed, whom she had never beheld in her life, and +who would have been dead at least nine weeks by the time it took place. + +She said nothing about it in the drawing-room; but when they went up +stairs, she told Caroline not to reckon upon her, for she should be in +mourning, and could not wear a fancy dress. Caroline looked much vexed. +"It was a great pity," she said, "and Julia Faulkner wished it to be +all their own set. Besides, would not Marian shoot,--she who did it so +well?" + +"O, no, no, I could do no such thing with all those people staring." + +"Not even for a silver arrow? You would be sure to win it." + +"I should be ashamed of the very sight of it ever after. O no! I should +like--at least I should not mind seeing it all as a spectator, but as to +making a part of the show, never, never, Caroline!" + +"Well, I know it is of no use to try to persuade you!" said Caroline, +with a little annoyance in her tone. "Good night." + +Lady Julia, with her son and daughter, came to call the next day. Marian +thought herself fortunate in not being in the drawing-room. She put on +her bonnet, slipped out at the garden door, and walked away with a book +in her hand, to the remotest regions of the park, where she sat down +under a thorn-tree, and read Schiller's Thirty Years' War with a sort of +exemplary diligence and philosophy, till it was so late that she thought +herself perfectly secure of the Faulkners' being gone. Yet she only just +missed them, for their carriage was driving off at one door, as she +reached the other. + +"Where have you been, Marian?" was the first greeting. + +"I have been walking to the old thorn." + +"O, have you? We hunted for you everywhere in the house: we would hardly +believe Fanny when she said you were gone out, for I knew you meant to +walk with us." + +"I thought you would be engaged so long that it was not worth while to +wait for you." + +"Well, but did you know you had missed the Faulkners?" said Clara. + +"I knew they were here." + +Every one understood this except Clara, and very little did it please +Mrs. Lyddell or Caroline. + +"Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, "you really must not be so absurd about +this matter. Your mourning is nothing. You need not be wearing it even +now; and it will annoy Lady Julia, and put her to serious inconvenience, +if you continue to refuse." + +"I am sure I do not wish to inconvenience her," said Marian; "but there +must be many young ladies who would be only too happy to take the part." + +"Of course," said Mrs. Lyddell, "any one else would rejoice to be asked; +but the point is, that it is so unpleasant to admit any thing of a +stranger into the intimacy these things occasion." + +"I am almost a stranger to them." + +"Yes, but not to us, Marian," said Clara. "You have known them as long, +or longer than we have; and you would look so very well. Lady Julia said +herself that such a distinguished face and figure as yours would set the +whole thing off to advantage." + +Caroline well knew this was but the way to make Marian still more +determined against it. She held her tongue through all the persuasions +of her mother and Clara; and trusting a little, but not much, to the +superior influence which she knew herself to possess, she followed +Marian to her room, and began,--"Marian, are you still resolute against +this unfortunate archery? because, if you do not really think it a +matter of right and wrong, I should be very much obliged to you if you +would only yield." + +It was not so easy to withstand Caroline speaking in this way, as Mrs. +Lyddell almost scolding and Clara talking nonsense; but Marian had made +up her mind, and would not let herself be shaken. "I don't think I can," +was her answer. + +"Will you say whether you really think it wrong?" + +"I don't know." Not her considering "I don't know," but the dry, +provoking end-of-the-matter answer of half sullen days gone by. + +"If you really thought it positively wrong," proceeded Caroline, "not +another word would I say: but I don't see how you can without condemning +all gaeties, and that I know you do not." + +"I only think it a--a waste of time--a great deal of nonsense," said +Marian, faltering for an answer; "and really I have spent so much money; +I do not like to throw away any more." + +"O, you do not know how we have settled that," said Caroline, beginning +to be hopeful now that she had something tangible to attack. "The +dresses for the morning will be nothing,--only a white skirt and green +polka, which will do to wear for ever after, and a little ruff, very +pretty, and no expense at all; and a little alteration will make our +court dresses perfectly suitable for Queen Elizabeth's ladies. You need +not be at all afraid of being ruined." + +Marian saw that, though there would be many a little expense to make a +mickle one, yet it would still only cost her Mrs. Jameson, instead of +the gifts to the poor people; but as this was what chiefly justified +her in her own eyes, she would not admit the conviction, and answered, +"Those things that are altered and adapted really are as costly in the +end as if they were new altogether. Besides, I could not, I really could +not shoot before such an assembly." + +"I should so like to see you get the arrow." + +"O Caroline, that would be worse than anything!" + +"Well, then, don't get it; shoot as badly as you please: only do be kind +and make one of us, or you will spoil the whole concern." + +"How can that be? What difference can my dressing up or shooting make to +any one?" + +"Why, for one thing, if you are not one, as you must be, living with us +and all, Julia will be obliged to ask that Miss Grimley; don't you know +her?" + +"What, that old young lady who has been figuring in the newspaper so +long as getting all the archery prizes?" + +"Yes, the veteran archer, as Elliot calls her; and Mr. Faulkner says, if +she appears in character at all, it must be as Queen Elizabeth herself +dancing a stately pavise to the sound of the little fiddle. She is some +connection of theirs, and must be asked, if you will not take it; and +she is almost as bad as Queen Elizabeth herself, and will give none of +us any peace about the dresses, O Marian! Julia said she should esteem +it as a real kindness from you if you would be Lady Anne, if only for +the sake of keeping her out!" + +"I think it would be very absurd for a person who hates the whole +concern to be dragged in, for the sake of keeping out one who likes it!" + +"Then you are still resolved? Well, I had not much expectation, but +still I was half inclined to hope you would relent, if you did not think +it a point of principle, when you knew that it would be a real favor to +me." + +"To you, Caroline! you do not care for such trumpery." + +"I do care about seeing my friends mortified and vexed," said Caroline, +mournfully. + +"Your friends!" exclaimed Marian, in a voice of contempt. + +"Yes, as much as kindness can make them." + +"And esteem? O Caroline!" + +"Kindness--readiness to oblige," repeated Caroline. + +"They are my friends, and I am very fond of them." + +Caroline went away without another word, and Marian felt that her words +implied that she preferred readiness to oblige, to rigid, unbending +superiority in goodness. Marian felt it, and was disappointed in +Caroline, and pleased to have kept her determination, without asking +herself how far it was satisfied pride in obstinacy. + +This was the last time for many weeks that Caroline lingered talking +in Marian's room. The old chill had come on again. Both knew, though +neither said so, that it was not so much because it was a display and +expense that Marian refused, as because it was the Faulkners' party. If +it had been Lady Marchmont's, it would have been very different. Now +Caroline liked the Faulkners; they were all good natured, and much more +agreeable than any others in the neighbourhood--than any, indeed, with +whom she had yet been brought into close intercourse. She thought Marian +was unjust and ungracious, both to them and to her; that she had been +prejudiced from the first, and now was very decidedly making herself +disagreeable by a rigidity in trifles, which was almost positive +unkindness. Caroline's home, as has been shown, was neither a very +happy, nor a very satisfactory one; so that of late she had learnt to +look upon her brother Walter and Marian as her chief comforts, and was +now much more hurt and disappointed at Marian's conduct than she was +willing to show. It was particularly unfortunate just at this time, when +there was so much to invite and gratify her at High Down, when she was +in especial need of a true and affectionate friend and counsellor, and +when Walter was absent, being engaged in preparing for his ordination, +which was to take place in the course of the autumn. + +Mrs. Lyddell was much displeased with Marian, and showed it by her +coldness and formality; and Marian began to live more alone with +herself, and at war with the outer world, than she had done even before +Edmund's first visit five years ago. Caroline and Clara were a great +deal with the Faulkners, either at High Down or at home. Clara was in a +perfect transport at being admitted into the number of the archeresses, +and had struck up one of her eternal friendships with Louisa, the second +Miss Faulkner; and Marian might very fairly be provoked at seeing how +entirely her mind was diverted from all the rationality which she and +Caroline had been endeavouring--and as they had hoped, not without +success--to infuse into her during the past year. To get Clara to +settle quietly down to anything was an utter impossibility; her wisest +employment was the study of Elizabethan costumes, her most earnest, the +practice of archery. Now Marian always maintained that archery, on their +own lawn, and among themselves, was a very pretty sport; and for the +sake of consistency with her own principles, she very diligently shot +whenever the Faulkners were not there, and did her very best, by precept +and example, to make Clara fit her arrows to the string in her own +direct and purpose-like way, draw the bow-string to her ear with a +steady effort and aim, instead of a fitful jerk or twitch; and in fact +shoot, if she was to shoot, like a sensible woman, who really intended +damage to the target. Clara was very much obliged, and made some +progress; but Marian thus did herself little good with any one else, +for her love of the sport, and her excellence at it, made her spirit of +disdain all the more marked. Clara, was again, as in former times, her +chief friend in the family; for Marian, after the first vexation, held +her sense too cheap to blame her for her folly. It was the fault of the +others that she had been put in the way of what could not fail to turn +her head; so she listened, without showing many tokens of contempt, +to her endless histories of dear Louisa, and all the plans at High +Down,--of the witticisms that were perpetrated, the anticipations of +amusement and admiration, and of the tracasseries which Miss Grimley had +not failed to occasion. Marian was often entertained, and Clara more +than once hoped she was on the point of regretting that she was not one +of the favoured eight; but nothing could be further from Marian's mind. +She did not intend to absent herself either from the archery or from the +ball, but she must wear her own character, and no other; and people +were allowed to assume fancy dresses or not, just as suited their +inclination, so that she was in no fear of rendering herself remarkable. + +Caroline and Clara were to go to High Down two days before the great +occasion, and stay till the day after; Marian to remain at Oakworthy. +Just before they went, Clara danced into her room, saying, "Marian, do +you know some of the officers at Portsmouth have been asked to the ball? +You know there is a railroad all the way. I wonder if Mr. Arundel will +be there?" + +"Decidedly not," replied Marian. + +"What, not when he knows what an attraction there will be?" + +"Don't talk such nonsense, Clara; the idea of thinking a man would take +such a journey for a ball! Well, I hope you will be very happy." + +"O do come and see my dress, Marian, before it is packed up; it is on +mamma's bed, and it is so beautiful!" + +Marian came, and admired. Caroline was to be Amy Robsart, and Clara, +Janet Foster; a part her mother had chosen for her, as more appropriate +to a girl not yet come out. Certainly, Tony Foster would scarcely have +recognized his demure little Puritan under the little lace hood, +the purple bodice, and white skirt, at which Clara looked with such +exultation; and Janet was further to be supposed to have taken +possession of the Countess's orient neck-pearls, and was to wear them as +the only ornament that could with any propriety be bestowed on her. It +happened that Marian had a remarkably fine set of pearls. She had few +jewels of any kind; but these had been her grandmother's, and there +was some tradition belonging to them which no one ever could remember. +Janet's necklace was so much less pretty, that Marian could not help +exclaiming that Clara had better wear hers. Clara demurred, for she knew +Marian relied on these pearls to help out a dress which had seen more +than one London party; but it ended in Marian's having her own way, and +being contemptuous at the gratitude with which her loan was received. +Yet she was surprised to find that it was a relief to her that Mrs. +Lyddell departed a little from her cold politeness, and showed herself +really pleased and obliged. + +Certainly, if Mrs. Lyddell had not in some degree relaxed, those two +days would have been very forlorn. As it was, it was very odd to sit +down to dinner with only Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot, and to have no +one but Mrs. Lyddell to speak to in the drawing-room. She was glad when +the day came, to have it over; and she was not sufficiently hard-hearted +to regret that it was as fine as could be wished. To High Down they +went, and everything was just as Marian had expected,--every one walked +about and idled, and wondered when the shooting would begin; and when +it did begin, no one paid much attention to it except those who were +interested in some of the competitors. Marian watched her pupil +anxiously, and Clara, between excitement and nervousness, shot much +worse than if she had been in the garden at home, and went so wide of +the mark, that Marian was ashamed of her. Caroline did better, but not +well; and the prize was of course borne off by Miss Grimley, who was +popularly reported to have arrows enough to stock the quivers of two or +three cupids. + +Clara ran up to Marian, and walked with her a little while; telling her +all that had come to pass during the last two days,--a great deal of +bustle, and merriment, and nonsense, which Clara seemed to have enjoyed +excessively, and of which Marian could have said, "Every one to his +taste." Of Caroline she saw little or nothing; and after wandering +about in the rear of Mrs. Lyddell, and exchanging a great many cold +salutations, and colder sentences of small-talk, she was very glad to +find herself once more in the carriage, though it was only to go home, +dine and dress for the ball, and then High Down again. + +She wore white, with jet ornaments, and a row of pearls round her +hair,--the only thing that saved her from being rather shabbily dressed +than otherwise. However, Mrs. Lyddell had long since announced that she +had done saying anything about Marian's dress, and Fanny had not been a +ladies' maid long enough to grow into a tyrant; so that she had her own +way, and no one repeated to her, what she knew full well, that her white +silk was yellow where it swept the ground, and the lace did not stand +out as freshly as once it did. + +Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot talked and laughed all the way, quizzing the +company very sociably, and both appearing in the highest spirits. Mr. +Lyddell was asleep in his corner; Marian with her forehead against the +window, and her thoughts with Gerald. They reached High Down in the +midst of a stream of carriages; and Marian, in her plain white, had to +walk into the ball-room with Elliot, who had completed his offences in +her eyes, by daring to assume the dress of Sir Philip Sidney. She soon, +however, was free of him, for he liked her as little as she liked him, +and moreover had to go and perform his part in the noted Kenilworth +quadrille. Marian was left standing by Mrs. Lyddell, as she usually did, +through the greater part of a ball; for as she never waltzed, there +were few dances in which she could take a part. She had made half the +Oakworthy neighbours afraid of her; and Mrs. Lyddell, having found that +all activity in the way of being a useful chaperon was thrown away, had +acquiesced in leaving her to herself, "doing her justice" sufficient by +taking her to the ball. + +Marian was entertained by the pageant, as she deemed it. It was a very +pretty scene, with so many gay dresses, in the bright light; and it was +amusing to recognise her acquaintances in the wonderful costumes some +of them had seen fit to assume. She would have liked some one to +laugh with, at a shepherdess dancing, crook and all; and she highly +appreciated a good-natured old gentleman, who was willing to do +anything, however absurd, that could please his friends, and had come +out as my grave Lord Keeper himself, with + + "His bushy beard and shoe-strings green, + His high-crowned hat and satin-doublet." + +Caroline looked more like a beauty than she had ever seen her before. +Her fair ringlets and white neck had a peculiar elegance, set off by the +delicate fan-like ruff, and graceful head-gear of the Countess Amy. The +only fault that Marian could find was, that poor Amy never could have +looked as if she had so much mind as Caroline's countenance expressed. +As to her partner, Marian did not behold him with very different +feelings, from those with which she would have regarded the real Earl +of Leicester, could she have had one peep at the actual pageant of +Kenilworth, with its outward pomp, masking the breaking hearts beneath. +Thereupon she fell deep into musings on "Kenilworth," which she had read +at home, when, so young and unlearned in novels as not to have a guess +at what would happen, when it was all a wonder and fairy-land of +delight, and when poor Tressilian's name of Edmund had been his first +charm in her eyes, even before she loved him for his deep character and +melancholy fate. She thought how unlike all this common-place world was +to the world it aped--how far these Raleighs and Sidneys were from being +worthy to usurp the name even for one evening! and as to Tressilian, how +impossible to see any face here that would even shadow her idea of him! +And yet she did not know; she might have to change her mind. There +actually was a countenance handsome, thoughtful, almost melancholy +enough for Tressilian himself, with the deep dark eyes, pale, clear, +sun-burnt, brown complexion, and jetty hair that befitted her hero; a +short beard and dark dress would have completed him, but she almost +thought it a pity that such a face should appear above a scarlet coat +and gold epaulettes. + +However, Tressilian had been moving towards the end of the room where +she was standing, and was coming so near that she could not study him +after the first; so she turned to speak to Miss Faulkner, who had +finished her quadrille, and just as a polka was commencing, she was +surprised by finding Tressilian himself standing by her, and asking to +have the honour of dancing with her. + +"Thank you, I don't dance the Polka," she replied; and as she spoke +quick flashes of thought crossed her thus--"I have not been introduced +to him--I have met him before--how horrid of Tressilian's face to talk +of polkas--ha! it is Edmund!" + +Edmund Arundel's eye it was that was glancing at her with a look of +great amusement at her bewilderment. + +"The next quadrille," he proceeded, in the same ceremonious voice. + +"O Edmund, Edmund, I did not know you in the least! Who would have +thought of seeing you here?" + +"Why not? Did you not know we were asked?" + +"Asked? yes; but who would have come who could have helped it?" + +"I wanted particularly to see you." Then, after speaking to Mrs. +Lyddell, he turned to her again, and resumed, "But am I not to have the +pleasure of dancing the next quadrille with you?" + +"If it is any pleasure to you, I am sure you are very welcome." + +"In the mean time, what is the meaning of your not being amongst the +performers? You used to be a capital shot." + +"I? O, of course I could not shoot before all the world." + +"Well, I was in hopes my pupil had been doing me credit; so much so, +that I tried very hard to make that lady with the silver arrow into +you, and--" as Marian looked at Miss Grimley's thin, freckled face, and +reddish, sandy locks, and could not help smiling, he continued, "when +that would not quite do, I went on trying to turn each maid of honour +into you, till, just as I gave you up, I saw young Dashwood fixed in +contemplation; and well he might be, for there was something so majestic +as could be nothing but Zenobia, Queen of the East, or Miss Arundel +herself." + +"Majestic! nonsense! nothing can feel less majestic." + +"Then decidedly you are not what you seem." + +"I was trying all the time to make you into Tressilian, only your red +coat was in the way. You know I never saw you in it before." + +"And so you have given up archery?" + +"O, no! I shoot at home; only I cannot make a spectacle of myself,--I +hate the whole thing so much." + +"And you would not wear a fancy dress?" + +"You see I am in mourning." + +"Why, who is dead?" + +"Don't you know? Old Mr. Thomas Marchmont." + +"Yes, and his great-grandfather likewise! Well, you certainly are +inclined to make the most of your connection with the peerage," + +"Edmund!" and for the first time Marian felt as if she had been making +herself more foolish than magnanimous. He gave his arm and they walked +along together. He presently began abruptly, "What I came here for was +to consult you about a plan for Gerald. You see I shall never get at him +unless I have him alone. Now I don't like to take him away from you for +the holidays, but I do not see how it is to be managed otherwise." + +"I don't do him any good now," said Marian sadly. + +"What I thought of was this; I find I can get leave for two months this +summer. Now suppose I was to take him to Marchmont's grouse shooting +place in Scotland, and about among the Highlands and Islands. Perhaps +the pleasure of that excursion would make up for the being carried off +by an awful guardian, and those scrambles might bring him to the old +footing with me." + +"O it would be very nice to have him with you," said Marian; "but----" + +"Well, what is the but?" + +"I don't know, only would not taking him home be more likely to revive +old associations than anything else?" + +"No," answered Edmund most decidedly; then in a more hesitating manner, +as if casting about for reasons, he added, "I mean he was at home last +year--it would not appear so inviting as this expedition--it would be +giving every one a great deal of trouble." + +"To have the Manor House set to rights--yes--but just a week at the +Parsonage--just to revive the old feelings with you. For you to teach +him how to behave to the Fern Torr people." + +"No," repeated Edmund, "it would not do." + +He spoke in a manner that made Marian look up in his face with surprise, +and exclaim as if hurt, "Then you are really casting off poor old Fern +Torr." + +The next moment she was sorry she had said so, for his namesake in +"Kenilworth" could never have worn a more melancholy aspect than he, as +he answered in a very low voice of deep feeling, "I am the last man in +the world to be reproached with too little affection for Fern Torr." + +Marian was grieved, surprised, confused, but she had no time to find an +answer, for the quadrille was forming, Edmund began a search for _vis a +vis_, and she found herself dancing before she had made up her mind what +she should have said if she could have replied at once; but it was too +late to return to the subject, and she thought it best to begin entirely +another, by asking, the next time they were standing still, how he liked +the officers of his new regiment. + +"Very much, most of them," replied Edmund; "one or two are particularly +nice people." + +"Do you like any as well as Captain Gresham or--" + +"New friends are not old ones," quickly answered Edmund. + +"O no, but if you knew them as well, are there any equally worthy to be +liked? I want you to be comfortable there very much, as it is all our +fault." + +"Don't say any more of that, Marian. Thank you, I am very +comfortable--they are a very pleasant set." + +"Are there any of them here?" + +"Yes, three of them." + +_L'Ete_ cut short his speech, and when they paused again he began, "I +mean you to dance with Dashwood--there that rosy tall boy standing +partnerless behind the lady in a Swiss fly-away cap." + +"O I see," said Marian. + +"Yes, and don't be high and mighty with him." + +"High and mighty, when I am only shy." + +"Effects are seen, causes are not equally on the surface." + +"O Edmund!" + +"Well, he is a very nice right-minded boy, very shy himself; so don't +be grand, for I have a great regard for him, and I want him to have a +pleasant evening." + +Marian was considerably frightened by being told to be agreeable, the +thing which of all others she thought the most difficult; but she would +attempt anything for the sake of obliging Edmund, and making no answer, +consoled herself with thinking how far off the next quadrille was. In +the mean time, whilst she danced in the most business-like and least +pleasure-like way possible, she was pondering on what she had to say on +her own account to her cousin, and when the quadrille was over and he +took her to the supper room in quest of ices, she eagerly began, "Then +you think me wrong about my fancy dress?" + +"Shall I give your own favourite reply?" + +"Don't you think it a good thing to avoid all this folly and expense?" + +"And to prove Miss Arundel's lofty contempt for finery and foolery?" + +"I do not want to set myself up, but how am I to help thinking all this +nonsense?" + +"A hard question, since no one attempts to say it is far otherwise; but +after all, everything in this world is nonsense, except as a means of +doing right or wrong." + +"And you do not think I made this nonsense a means of doing right?" + +"If it had been any body else, I should have admired, but I do not trust +_you_. However I know nothing about it, I cannot judge of the amount of +sacrifice. Cream ice or water ice?" + +They could not converse any more just then, and in the next polka, +Clara, who not being come out, was not well off for partners, was +extremely honoured and delighted by being asked to dance by Mr. Arundel. +When the turn of a quadrille came round again, Edmund, as good as his +word, introduced to Marian his youthful ensign, and she, dreadfully +afraid of not obeying Edmund by being agreeable to his friend, set +herself to talk with all her might; told him what some of the costumes +were intended to represent, speculated as to the others, found him +very pleasant, and ended by making him consider his friend's cousin as +delightful as she was handsome, and he had been very much impressed with +her countenance. She saw Edmund was well pleased to see him looking +animated and gratified, and the consequence was that she had to dance +with another of his brother officers, and after all it had not been by +any means such hard work to be amiable as she was apt to imagine. At any +rate she never liked a ball so well, but then she had never met Edmund +at any other, which might account for it. After the last quadrille, Mrs. +Lyddell summoned her to come home, they took their leave of Caroline and +Clara, whom Mrs. Lyddell promised to fetch to-morrow: Lady Julia was +particularly full of empressement and affection, delighted that dear +Caroline had been looking so lovely. She even came out with them to the +cloak-room, where her son was assiduous in shawling Mrs. Lyddell, and +all manner of civilities seemed to be passing among them in a low voice, +while Edmund having disengaged Marian's shawl from the surrounding +drapery, said, as he put it round her, "Then it is settled that I take +Gerald and try to do for the best?" + +"O if you are so kind--" + +"Don's trust too much to it. I will try, which is all I can do." + +"No one can do him any good if you cannot." + +"Hush! And I must thank you for taking my scolding in such good part." + +"I deserved it." + +"I have since been thinking you are probably right. I am sure you are +in the principle of the thing. It was the particular application that +startled me." + +Mrs. Lyddell moved on, the carriage was at the door, they were all in +it, Elliot of course last, and as he threw himself back in his corner +and the door was shut, he exclaimed in a satisfied tone, "Well! he is +coming it pretty strong!" Who was coming what? thought Marian, but her +suspense did not last long, for Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both chimed in +with exclamations of satisfaction which left no doubt that they were +delighting themselves in the prospect of seeing Caroline mistress of +High Down. Marian had been in some slight degree prepared for this, she +knew Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell would highly approve, nay, consider such a +marriage as fulfilling their highest expectations, such an establishment +as all that could be wished; and depending as she did on Caroline's +principle and right feeling, she was sorry to think how much vexation +and worrying was in store for her. As she sat disregarded and forgotten +through that long dark drive, hearing all the eager gratulations and +anticipations of her three companions, regarding a marriage which she +could not think of without a sort of horror, how did she despise them, +feel imprisoned, and long to make her escape. She had not the least +doubt as to what Caroline would do; her rejection of such a man was a +matter of certainty; but Marian was vexed with her for having allowed +herself to become so intimate with the Faulkners, and thought she had +brought on herself all the annoyances that would follow. + +Tired, irritated, excited, Marian was very glad to escape from the +carriage, wish the rest good night, and run up to her own room. She sat +before her glass, slowly brushing out her long dark hair, and trying +to bring home her feverish thoughts, and dwell on what had passed, +especially with Edmund, on whom she had not yet had time to think, and +of all those hints of his, as to her behaviour in this matter. Had he +approved it or not? or would he if he had known all the circumstances? +There was something that struck her a good deal in his saying "I cannot +judge of the amount of sacrifice." Had it been a sacrifice to wear a +plain dress, to abstain from archery? It would have been, to Clara, but +was it to her? and as she looked at the two grey volumes, with their +store of pretty engravings and pleasant reading which lay on her table, +and thought that they were her own for life, and that Anne Clifford's +dress would now be laid aside and useless for ever after the archery +prize, if she had won it, would be worthless, and the admiration, +had she valued it, passed from her ears, she could not feel, for one +instant, that it had been a sacrifice. Then again came his words, "every +thing in this world is nonsense, except as a means of doing right or +wrong." Yes, pretty books, pleasant pictures, taste and intellect were +in themselves as little precious as dress and finery, things as fleeting +when compared with eternity, except so far as they trained the soul +and the higher faculties which _might_ endure for ever. She thought of +"Whether there he prophecies, they shall fail, whether there be tongues, +they shall cease, whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away." +All was a shadow except that charity which never faileth, a beautiful +picture, even as a costly dress! the way we treat these things alone +enduring. Her head throbbed as she tried to be certain as to whether she +had acted right. If the dress had required the money set apart for the +poor she would have been perfectly clear about it, but she knew it +need not have done so. Would her vanity have been gratified? Decidedly +not--admiration of her face was so distasteful to her proud shrinking +bashfulness, that she felt it like an insult when reported to her, and +could almost have wished not to be so handsome, if it had not been more +agreeable to an artist-like eye to see a tolerable physiognomy in the +glass, when obliged to look there, and besides she would not but be like +the Arundels, and was well satisfied with the consciousness of having +their features, as indeed she would have been if their noses had been +turned up and their "foreheads villainous low." If _her_ vanity was +gratified, it was by standing apart from, and being able to look down on +the rest of the world; and as Marian became conscious of this, her mind +turned from it with the vexation of spirit, the disgust and sensation of +dislike, and willingness to forget all about it, that every one is apt +to feel with regard to a vanity passed away--something analogous to the +contempt and dislike with which we turn from the withered shreds of +tangible vanity, faded and crumpled artificial flowers, and tumbled +gauze ribbon when disinterred from some dusty and forgotten corner. No +feeling is much more unpleasant than the loathing of an old vanity; and +though this of Marian's was not yet old, yet that touch of Edmund's +which had shown her how he regarded her "high-and-mightiness," had made +her very much ashamed of it. Then came the question whether it was, +after all, self-will that had actuated her, pride and self-will, leading +her contrary to every one's wishes, where she was not sure that she was +fulfilling a duty. Again, on the other hand, there was this point about +the Faulkner family, her dislike to them was founded on principle; +indeed it was not dislike, for she allowed their agreeableness of +manner, it was disapproval; it was determination not to enter into +anything approaching to intimate acquaintance with a man whom she +believed to be little better than an infidel. If Edmund knew this, would +not he think her right? But then to be consistent, she should not have +accepted his hospitality in any degree; she ought not to have gone to +the ball, nor ever to have dined at his house. How far was she called on +to set her face against him, how far was she independent, how far was +obedience to the Lyddells a duty? This must be for a question for Edmund +another time, and she hoped that Caroline's refusal would put an end +to the intercourse. Nor were these all her reflections. She thought of +Edmund and his kindness to Gerald, and the hopes, nay the confidence +which it revived in her, setting her mind fully at rest about her +precious brother, for in spite of Edmund's despondency, she could not +help trusting entirely to the renewal of his influence; for who was +like Edmund? Who so entirely treated, as well as spoke of, the world as +nothing except as a means of doing right or wrong? + +But then that he should be out of spirits, as she had more plainly than +ever perceived to-night, in spite of the gaiety he had at first assumed, +his manner of replying when she pressed him to go to Fern Torr, and his +absolute avoidance of it, struck and puzzled her much as well as grieved +her. She knew his loneliness, and could understand that he might be +melancholy, but why he should shrink from the home he so loved was +beyond what she could fathom. + +She knew Clara would laugh at her for his having come so many miles on +her account. Yes, quite sure that it was nonsense. Edmund had talked +of coming to see her, so openly, he had laughed at and blamed her so +uncompromisingly, that she had no doubt that he had not the least +inclination to fall in love with her. She had the best of elder brothers +in him, and he would take care of Gerald, and, happy in her confidence +she fell asleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + "What is that which I should turn to, lighting upon days like these? + Every door is barr'd with gold and opens but to golden keys. + * * * * * + "Yearning for the large excitement that the coming years would yield, + Eager hearted as a boy when he first leaves his father's field." + + TENNYSON. + + +Marian was not up much later than usual the next morning, but she had +a long time to wait for the rest of the party. She read, wrote, drew, +tried to busy herself as usual all the morning, but whether it was that +she was tired with her ball, or that she was anxious about Caroline, +she did not prosper very much, and grew restless and dissatisfied. She +wished she knew whether she had done right, she wished she could feel +that she had been kind and accommodating. + +Her head was dull and heavy from the struggle to occupy herself when her +mind was full, and after luncheon she tried to drive her stupidity away +by a very long ride. Groom and horses were always at her service, as a +part of Mrs. Lyddell's justice to her, and off she set, in search of +breezes, to the highest and furthest downs, by her attainable. On she +went, cantering fast, feeling her power over her spirited pony, letting +the summer sun shine full on her face, and the wind, when she had ridden +where she could meet it, stream in a soft ripple round her head, like +the waves of the summer tide. She rode far enough to attain the object +she had proposed to herself, namely, to look down on Salisbury spire, +pointing up in its green valley with the fresh meadows around it, giving +a sense of refreshment, repose and holy influence, which her eye carried +to her mind. Good men had raised that pile, had knelt there, sung +in praise there, and now lay asleep within its grey walls and shady +cloisters; men and women who had been to the full as much wearied and +perplexed with sin and worldliness around them as she could ever feel; +they had struggled through, their worn and fainting hearts had rested +there, and now their time of peace was come. Why should it not be so +with her? + +Ah! but things were changed; in their time there was energy; there were +great crimes indeed, but the Church was active. The bad was very bad, +but the good was very good, there were real broad questions then of +right and wrong, not the coldness and frivolity, where all was so +worthless that there was scarce a possibility of caring or seeing which +part was the right. + +No, Marian would not accuse the time in which she was born, and the +station to which it had pleased God to call her. Mr. Wortley had warned +her against that. She had a Church, the one true holy Catholic Church, +as surely and truly, nay, the very same that those men of old had, and +was as much bound to love it, serve it, fight for it in her own way, as +ever they had felt themselves. Life, truth, goodness, there was still, +she saw it, knew it, felt it in some; and though there was little of it +in her immediate home, so little as to make her heart faint, she knew +that + + "Israel yet has thousands sealed + Who to Baal never kneeled." + +If there was this frivolity, this deadness and chilliness about these +present days, she knew it was a temptation long since prophesied of, as +about to grow on the world "when, the love of many should wax cold," but +the help and the hope were never to fail, and while she might but grasp +after them, she had enough to do, and need not feel faint and weary. + +Her ride had done her good, her sensation of bodily lassitude and mental +stupidity had been driven off by the active exercise which had produced +a more wholesome kind of fatigue, and the temper which tended to +discontent had partly gone with them, partly been chased away by +reflection in a right spirit. As she was entering the park, Elliot, also +on horseback, came up in time to profit by the same opening of the gate. + +"Are you but just come home, Marian?" said he, "I thought I was very +late." + +"I don't know what o'clock it is, but I see the sun is getting low." + +"Have not you been at High Down?" + +"No, I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"To Beacon Hill! That _is_ a ride! And you have not seen any of them +since they came home?" + +"No, I have been out all the afternoon." + +"Well, I have a notion you will have something to hear. I dare say you +have some idea. Catch a young lady not up to a thing like that." + +A cold horror and disgust came over Marian, and she would not make a +single inquiry, but Elliot went on. + +"So you will ask no questions? I believe you are in the secret the whole +time." + +"No, I am not." + +"No? You will never persuade me that you are not. Why, what else can you +ladies sit up half the night talking about in your bed rooms?" + +Marian despised him too much to deny. + +"Then do you really mean to profess," said Elliot, turning full towards +her, so as to look her in the face in what she deemed an impertinent +way, "that you cannot guess the news that is waiting for you?" + +For once in her life she could not say "I don't know," and her answer +was a very cold "I believe I do;" while in the meantime she was almost +feeling, and quite looking, as if she could have cut off his bead. His +disagreeableness was the one present pain, but behind it was undefined +consternation, for she perceived that, at any rate, he did not think +Caroline had refused Mr. Faulkner. + +"You keep your congratulations till it is formally announced," said he +maliciously, still looking at her, though few save himself could have +failed to be abashed by the firm, severe expression of her dark eyes, +and lips compressed into all the sternness of the Queen of Olympus. + +Happily they were so close to the house that Marian, who would not deign +a reply, could avoid him without absolute rudeness. She threw her rein +to the groom, and sprung to the ground before Elliot had time to offer +his assistance, then ran hastily across the hall just as Clara was +coming out of the drawing-room. + +"Why, Elliot!" cried Clara meeting her brother, "you have not been +riding with Marian?" + +"With Marian? No, I thank you! I only met with her at the gate, and have +been spoiling your market." + +"You don't mean that you have been telling her?" cried Clara; "O I +wanted to have been first." + +"Precious little thanks you'll get!" said Elliot; but Clara, without +attending to him, flew up stairs after Marian, who had reached her room, +and while Fanny was endeavouring to get her dressed in time for dinner, +was trying to collect her dismayed thoughts. She would not believe +Caroline so foolish, nay, so wicked as to accept him, yet if it could +possibly be true, what in the world should she say or do which way +should she look, or how should she answer? In the midst of her first +confusion in danced Clara, with a face full of delight at having +something to tell, then looking blank at Fanny's presence. + +"Marian--my dear Marian--what do you think?" was her first eager +beginning, then changing into "How--how late you are--where have you +been! I really thought you had been out with Elliot," and she laughed. + +"I only fell in with him at the gate. I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"Have you indeed? O I wish you had come with mamma! So Elliot has +been provoking, and told you," she added, stopping there, and looking +significant. + +Marian glanced at Fanny, and shook her head. She was very glad she had +such a protector, to give her time to collect her thoughts, but this was +not easy, for Clara went rattling on in an eager discursive way about +all sorts of things, the archery, the dancing, the partners, the +dresses, hardly knowing what she said, nor Marian either, fidgeting +about, trying to expedite the dressing, and looking most impatient, till +at last Marian, anxious to know what had really taken place, pitying her +eagerness, and willing to have it over, hurried the fastening of her +dress, and arranging of her lace, and told Fanny to leave them. + +"O Marian! Marian! what a shame of Elliot to have told you all about it. +Did you expect it?" + +"He only half told me," replied Marian, "but make haste, Clara, let me +hear. Is Caroline really engaged?" + +"Yes--yes--O yes! and every one is so delighted, Lady Julia, and Julia +and Louisa, and all!" + +"And she has accepted him?" + +"O yes to be sure--at least--yes, only you know it is too soon to settle +when they will be married. What a charming wedding it will be, won't +it, Marian?--you and I find Julia and Louisa, and their cousins will be +bridesmaids O! how delightful it will be. And then I shall come out." + +"But Clara, Clara, don't be wild, do tell me all about it." + +"Ah! you see you missed something by not coming to stay there as we did. +And to tell you a great secret, Marian, Louisa says she really believes +that it was you that her brother thought of, when he first accepted +Elliot's invitation to come and stay here." + +"Nonsense," said Marian, though her colour would rise. + +"And he had not seen Caroline then, Louisa says," proceeded Clara, but +there she got into an inextricable confusion, and was not speedy in +stammering out of it, having suddenly remembered that it was no great +compliment to tell Marian that Louisa had said how glad they all were +that it was not Miss Arundel. Marian cut the hesitation short by saying, +"You have not told me when it was settled, or how you heard it." + +"It was settled last night after you were gone--in the conservatory-- +such a pretty place for a love affair, as Louisa says--at least I mean +he asked her, but I don't think she gave him any real regular answer-- +no, certainly she did not." + +"Did you know of it that evening?" + +"O yes, Louisa and I had great fun in watching him all day, and all the +day before, we saw it all quite plain." + +"But did Caroline tell you that night?" + +"Yes, of course she did. She could not have kept it from me, you know, +for I began to laugh at her the minute we came up, and asked her if she +had not been delightfully employed, and you should have seen what a +colour she grew directly." + +"And what did she say?" asked Marian very anxiously, almost hoping it +might prove that Caroline's acceptance might have been taken for granted +without having been really given. + +"I don't exactly remember what she said, she was very grave and said it +was no laughing matter, or something of that kind, and she walked up and +down and begged me to be quiet and let her think." + +"Well!" + +"Then I begged her only to let me know if he had proposed, and what she +had said, and she told me she had said nothing--she could not tell--she +must have time, and then she leant her head against the side of the bed, +and said she wished she knew what to do! And when I tried to cheer her +up, and said how delightful it would be----" + +"O Clara, how could you?" broke from Marian. + +"Ah! I know you can't bear the Faulkners, but you must now, for they +will be your cousins, you know, Marian. And I assure you I did not say +anything silly, I said it was not only that Mr. Faulkner is handsome and +rich, that would not be anything, you know, but he is so sensible and so +agreeable, and kind, and good tempered, and we are all so fond of him, +and the Faulkners all so fond of her, and it would be so very nice to +have her close to us, and mamma would be so charmed. Well, poor dear +girl, she did not sleep at all that night, and this morning she only +wanted, if she could, to have sent a note for us to be sent for to come +home to breakfast, but that could not be, you know, and when we came +down, Lady Julia was so kind and affectionate, and kissed her and said +she was tired, and took her to lie on the sofa, in the little boudoir. +Lady Julia sat with her there first, and then Mr. Faulkner came, and +stayed with her a long, long time." + +"O!" sighed Marian, "was it settled then?" + +"Not exactly settled, but somewhere about three o'clock, Mr. Faulkner +ordered his horse, and rode out to find papa, and then Caroline ran up +to our room, and bolted the door, and said she could not let me in, +but just then mamma came and went up to her, and it was all joy and +congratulation through the whole house. Mr. Faulkner came back and papa +with him. But dear me, there is the second bell! Come, Marian! O, I do +so wish you had been there." + +If Marian had been there, perhaps things would not have been exactly as +they were at present, though this was very far from what Clara intended +by her wish. Marian had done infinite mischief by the severity which had +weakened the only home influence excepting Walter's which held Caroline +to the right. Caroline respected her extremely, but the confidence and +affection which had been growing up slowly but surely out of that root +of esteem, had been grievously dulled and blighted, and at a most +critical time. It had in fact been almost killed down to the ground, and +though the root was a healthy one, and might yet shoot forth again, +the opportunity had been missed when it might have been turned to good +account. + +Caroline knew Mr. Faulkner not to be a religious man, and her better +principles warned her against him; but on the other hand she really +liked his manners extremely, her heart was warmed towards him by his +preference and expressions of affection, and she did not know whether +she loved him already or not, or whether she should allow herself to +love him, as he was sure she could do. She had been used to a world +where the service of GOD was not the first object; she had always lived +with men whose thoughts and time were otherwise engrossed, and though +she might regret what she saw, her standard had been lowered, and she +was far less inclined to hold aloof front one whom her conscience did +not approve, than if she had been accustomed to see everything desirable +in her own family; in those whom nature and duty obliged her to love and +respect. + +By the Faulkners she was greeted with such kindness as to win her heart, +and she thought the power she would enjoy at High Down would enable her +to set things on a footing there, on which she could never place them at +home; she could not fail to be happy with Mr. Faulkner; she might work +upon his mind, if he loved her as he said he did. Still there stood the +great unanswerable obstacle, the three words, "It is wrong!" If she +stood alone, if there was no family on either side, she could, she would +refuse, but dismay seized on her when she thought of the displeasure, +the persecution at home if she rejected him; on the other hand she +shrank from ingratitude for the kindness of the Faulkners. There was +Clara putting her in mind of all that could bias her in his favour, +rejoicing already, saying how all the family would rejoice. + +O that interval, that night! if Marian had but stood there with the +grave, earnest, heartfelt voice that repelled all sophistry with the +wonted "I don't know," if the dark eyes had been there to look with +contempt on all but the "right," and to fill with tears, the more +touching because so rare, as her tenderness, her deep feeling would +have been called out by the sensation of seeing and aiding a friend to +struggle nobly against a temptation, if Caroline had felt and seen the +superiority, the loveableness of real, true, uncompromising regard for +right, and right alone, if she had been by one touch made to partake +of the horror Marian felt of any failure in faith, then all the innate +strength and nobleness of her character might have been awakened, and +she would have clung to "the right" at any cost, supported, carried +through by Marian's approval and sympathy, keeping her up to feel that +higher approval was with her. + +But alas! alas! Marian was at a distance, and her image had at present +connected itself with harshness and haughtiness. She might be good; +but such goodness did not invite imitation; she did not appear half as +agreeable as the Faulkners. Caroline turned away from the recollection +of her, was all night and all the morning distressed, undecided, and +vacillating; then came Lady Julia's affection, her lover pressing his +suit, she hardly knew what she had said, but she found her consent +was assumed, both families were rejoicing in it, she found herself +considered to be engaged, and she returned home bewildered at all that +had passed, flattered, almost intoxicated with the attention of various +kinds paid her by every one, at High Down, and when her wonted dread of +Marian's disapproving eye would return, hardening herself against it +with the thought that Marian could not make every one as Utopian as +her own Edmund and Fern Torr, that she was proud and determined in +prejudice, and after all what right had she to interfere? Of Walter, +Caroline did not dare to think. + +Marian came down with Clara, wearing a rigid company countenance, +expressing more of indifference than of anything else; she would not +look at Caroline lest her eye should seem to judge her, and only by +furtive glances perceived that she looked pale, worn and wearied. There +was talk about the ball going on all dinner-time, but Caroline hardly +put in a word, and Marian's were not many. Directly after dinner +Caroline said she was tired, and should lie down till tea-time; she went +and Mrs. Lyddell, taking Marian by the hand, exclaimed, "Now, Marian, I +must be congratulated. I suppose Clara has told you all about it." + +"Yes, Clara told me," said Marian, resolved not to offend except where +she could not avoid it without sacrificing truth. + +"You could scarcely be surprised," said Mrs. Lyddell. "It has been +evident for a long time. Dear Caroline! Well, I am sure this is a +satisfaction! Settled so near home, and family and connection exactly +what could be wished; and so extremely fond of her." + +"Yes, Lady Julia is very fond of her." + +Mrs. Lyddell was too much rejoiced herself not to take sympathy for +granted. The point, on which Caroline's scruples were founded, and which +caused Marian's dislike, had never even occurred to her: she lived +little, or rather not at all, in Marian's confidence, and really did not +know that she disliked the Faulkners more than any one else, since her +manners were so universally distant, that a little ungraciousness more +or less was not very visible to a casual observer like Mrs. Lyddell. +That same ordinary coldness and undemonstrativeness which had never +thawed to Mrs. Lyddell was the reason that the entire absence of any +expression of gladness or congratulation was not remarked, or at least +only taken as her way, and besides at the bottom of her heart, Mrs. +Lyddell was very much obliged to Marian for the repelling manner which +had left the field to her daughter. So Marian got very well through +half an hour's interview, without giving offence; but she feared the +_tete-a-tete_ with Caroline, and resolved as much as possible to avoid +it, since she could do no good, and did not think it right to express +her sentiments unless they were positively called for. Disappointed in +Caroline, grieved, giving her up for lost, yet loving and pitying her, +she had rather never meet her again, certainly not have any confidential +intercourse with her. + +She need not have feared: Caroline was quite as much inclined to avoid +her as she could be to avoid Caroline; by mutual consent they shunned +being left alone together, and talked of indifferent matters if they +were, for there was not familiarity enough for silence. When with the +others Caroline was the same as usual, lively, agreeable, obliging; +perhaps, and Marian thought it strange, a shade gayer than her wont. In +her behaviour to Mr. Faulkner every one agreed that she was exactly the +right thing, quiet and sensible, and, as people said, "evidently so very +much attached to him." Marian would have given worlds to know what was +passing in her secret soul, but the right of reading there was gone. +What did Walter think? To this also there was no answer; if he wrote, +Marian heard nothing about his letter, and he did not come home. He was +to be ordained in the autumn to a curacy in a large manufacturing town +in the north of England, and in the meantime he was staying there with +one of the other curates, helping in the schools, and learning something +of the work before him. There was not a doubt in Marian's mind that his +sister's engagement must be a great sorrow to him, and that this was the +reason why he would not come home, even for a short visit. For Caroline, +so really good, right thinking and excellent as she was, so far above +the general tone of her family, wilfully to place herself in such a +situation, to cast away all the high and true principles with which she +had once been imbued, was too sad and grievous to be borne by one who +loved her as Marian, did all the time, and how much worse it must be for +her brother? + +Yes, little did most of those who saw Marian's unmoved, marble +countenance, and heard her stiff, formal words, guess at the intensity +of feeling beneath, which to those who knew her best was betokened by +that very severity; how acutely she was suffering for the future before +Caroline, how strong were the impulses to plead with her once more, how +sick and loathing her heart felt at the manner in which this hateful +connection was treated by all around. If that reserve could, or ought +to, have been broken, Marian would have astonished them all. + +If her former anxieties about Gerald had been as of old, she really did +not know how she could have endured them in addition to all this; but +while she was at ease about him nothing could quite overwhelm her. And +she was very happy about him; Mr. Lyddell had readily consented to the +Highland plan, and Gerald was so enchanted that he forgot all his former +fears of Edmund, saw in him only a fellow-sportsman, and when he wrote +to tell his sister of the project, decorated his letter with a portrait +of the holidays, every one of the thirty-seven days represented in a +sort of succession of clouds one behind the other, in each of which +Gerald was doing something delightful,--boating, shooting, bagging his +game, and enjoying an infinite variety of sports, the invention and +representation of which did considerable credit to his ingenuity. On the +very day after the Eton election, he met Edmund in London, and they set +off together to spend the time before the ecstatic twelfth of August in +visits to the Trosachs, to Fingal's cave and every other Scottish wonder +of note. + +Lionel returned alone, and the first thing he said as he skimmed his hat +across the hall table was, "There! thank goodness, I shan't touch a book +again these five weeks!" Every one asked after his eyes, but they told +their own story, for they were considerably inflamed, and so evidently +out of order that Mrs. Lyddell herself grew anxious, and the apothecary, +Mr. Wells, was sent for. He spoke of their having been over tried by the +school work, advised complete rest, and sent his mixture to bathe them, +which in a day or two reduced the inflammation, made them comfortable, +and restored them to their ordinary appearance, so that all anxiety +passed off again. + +Marian, like the others, dismissed the fear, though a flash of +apprehension now and then crossed her mind. She was more with Lionel +than the others, they had always been great allies, and at present were +more thrown together than had ever been the case before. Johnny had been +appointed to a ship which was to sail from Plymouth in a very short +time, and he only came home for two or three days, from the school where +he had been prepared. Mr. Lyddell took him to London for his outfit, and +then on to Plymouth; Mrs. Lyddell was extremely overset, more so than +Marian had thought her capable of being, for Johnny was her favourite, +she regarded him as a victim, and could not bear to expose him to all +the perils of sea and climate. + +Johnny however went to Plymouth, and then there was nothing to be +desired but that he should soon sail, that his mother might settle her +mind, for in the mean time she was nervously anxious and restless, +and could scarcely give her attention to anything, not even to the +Faulkners, far less to what Marian was observing from time to time about +Lionel's eyes. + +Now that John and Gerald were away, Lionel was deprived of his wonted +companions: Elliot did not patronize him, and was besides too busy about +the races to occasion on his own account any home sports in which Lionel +might have taken a share, so that there was no companionship for him +excepting with the young ladies. Caroline's and Clara's time was a great +deal taken up with the Faulkners, and Marian and Lionel were thus left +out by all and almost obliged to make a coalition. + +Lionel haunted the drawing-room in the morning, either talking in the +half-rhodomontade, half-in-earnest fashion of boys of sixteen, or +listening if there was any reading aloud going forward. Clara's readings +with Marian and Caroline had well-nigh fallen to the ground now, and +Caroline almost always spent the morning in her own room, but Marian now +and then caught Clara and managed to get her to do something rational. +More often, however, the reading was on Marian's part to Lionel; he +liked to hear her read scraps of any book she might have in hand, and +she was very merciful to him in the selection, not being by any means +too wise. She read him likewise the new numbers of the periodical tales, +as well as the particulars of the rowing matches and cricket matches, +overcoming for his sake her dislike to touching Elliot's sporting +newspaper. Indeed she had not so forgotten her cricket as not to be very +much interested, to enter into all his notes and comments, and to be as +anxious for the success of Eton as he was himself, so that if she had +been called to give an account of her whole morning's work for three +days, she could have said nothing of it but that she had been studying +the matches at Lord's. + +In the afternoon, if Marian could escape from the drive in the carriage, +they walked or rode together, the latter when it was not too bright a +day, for Lionel avoided the sunshine like an owl; and when in their +walks a sunny field, or piece of down had to be passed, he drew his hat +down and came under the shelter of Marian's parasol, as if he fairly +dreaded the glare. He was very apt too not to recognise people whom they +met, and now and then made such strange mistakes about small objects +near at hand, that though they were laughed at just at the moment, +Marian thought them fearful signs when she recollected them afterwards, +in that half-waking half-sleeping time when she had learnt to entertain +herself with anxieties. Chess or backgammon was the great resource in +the evening, when there was no dining out, and no grand dinner party, +and the number of games Marian played with him were beyond all +reckoning. He played, she thought, more by the touch than the eye, often +feeling the head of a piece to satisfy himself whether it had the king's +crown or the queen's round head, the bishop's mitre or the knight's +ears, but he was so quick and ready that it was impossible to tell how +far the defect of sight went, and she could not bear to ask or awaken +his fears. + +She did not think he had any; she did not believe that he had ever seen +quite as well as other people, and therefore trusted to sight less than +most; and his eyes had been so often ailing, and then better, that he +was not likely to take alarm now. If he had, she believed he would have +told her, for he was very confidential with her, and she often thought +it a great pity that no one else had thought it worth while to enter +into him enough to find out what a right-thinking, sensible boy he was, +and how affectionate he would be if they would only let him. One day, +when they had been taking a long ride together, he began talking about +his intentions for the future. It arose out of some observation about +the value of a tree in a new and an old country. Marian had been +lamenting that no modern houses were ever built with the beautiful +patterns of dark timbers, as we see them in old farm-houses; and Lionel +answering that so much wood could never be afforded in England now. + +"No, you must go to a primeval forest for that," said Marian; "and very +stupid it is of the people in the colonies to build houses as bad or +worse than ours, when they have all the materials for nothing." + +"Well, I will build a famous house when I emigrate," said Lionel; "a +regular model of an old English farm-house it shall be,--stout, and +strong, and handsome,--just to put the people in mind that they do +belong to an old country, after all." + +"When you emigrate, Lionel?" + +"Yes, I really have a great mind to do so, seriously, Marian," and he +rode nearer to her. "I do think it would be the best thing I could do. +Don't you think so?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, considering, while his eager face was +turned towards her. + +"You see," Lionel continued, "we must all do something for ourselves; +and I am sure my eyes will never be fit for study. To be a clergyman is +out of the question for me, even if I was good enough; and so is the +law--" + +"Yes, yes, certainly." + +"Well, then, there is only the army, and there one can't get on without +money. Now you know Elliot has been a monstrous expense to my father of +late, and the times have grown so bad, and everything altogether has +gone wrong; so that I think the only thing for it would be for me to go +off to some new part of the world, where, when I once had a start, my +own head and hands would maintain me,--no thanks to anybody." + +"I dare say it would," said Marian, rather sadly, "I am sure these are +right grounds, Lionel; but it is a terrible severing of all home ties." + +"O, but I should come back again. I should be an Englishman still, and +come back when I had made my fortune." + +"O, Lionel, don't be in a hurry to make a fortune; that spoils every +one." + +"No, no, I am not going to grasp and grub for money; I hate that. Only +if the fortune comes, one does not know how, with cattle, or horses, or +lands--O, Marian, think of being an Australian stockman, riding after +those famous jockeys of wild bulls--hurra!" Lionel rose in his stirrups, +and flourished his whip round his head, so as greatly to amaze his +steed. "There is a life to lead in a great place bigger than all Europe, +instead of being stifled up in this little bit of a poky England, every +profession choke full of people!" + +"Well done, Lionel, you do want a field indeed!" + +"So I do. I hate to be fenced up, and in, every way. I should like to +break out in some fresh place, and feel I had all the world before me! +Then I'll tell you what, Marian," and he spoke with infinite relish, +"suppose matters got a little worse here, and they were all of them +really in distress!" + +"O Lionel!" + +"Well, but listen. Then I should like to come home with all this fortune +that I had made somehow, and get them all on their legs again; buy back +the estate, perhaps, and give it to papa again; and then--and then"--his +voice quivered a little, and his eyes winked, as if the sun had dazzled +them--"see if mamma would not think me worth something, after all!" + +This was the only time Lionel had ever said a word to show that he was +conscious of his mother's disregard of him; and the feeling it called up +made Marian's heart so full that she could not reply. But he wanted no +answer, and went on. "Would not that be worth living for, Marian? But, +after all, that is all nonsense," he added, with a sigh; "at least it is +all a chance. But what I really think is, that I should do much better +for myself and every one else, in one of the colonies; and I have a +great mind to speak to my father about it. By the by, I wish Mr. Arundel +would come here when he has finished his journey with Gerald; I should +like to talk to him about the Cape. I rather fancy the Cape, because of +the lions; and one might have a chance of a row now and then with the +Caffres." + +Marian began telling all she could about the Cape, and from that time +her _tete-a-tetes_ with Lionel were chiefly spent in discussions upon +the comparative merits of the colonies. One thing Lionel was resolved +on. "I will go somewhere where there is a Church within a tolerable +distance,--say twenty miles; that is a short one for a colony, you know, +Marian; for I know I am such a wild fellow, that I should very soon +forget everything good, if I had not something to put me in mind of it. +Or, by the by, Marian, what would be jolly would be to get Walter to go; +I dare say he would, if it was some place where they were very badly off +indeed, with plenty of natives, and all very savage." + +Marian understood quite well enough, to agree that it must be some place +"very badly off indeed" to invite Walter, and Lionel greatly enjoyed the +further arranging of plans for taking care of his intended chaplain, +whom he meant to save from roughing it as much as possible. However, +this might be regarded as a very aerial pinnacle of his castle, the +first foundation of which was yet to be laid, by broaching the subject +to his father. Lionel talked over the proposing it many times with his +counsellor, and at length resolved upon it, with some slight hope that +it might save his eyes from the suffering of another half year at Eton, +which, as the holidays came nearer to an end, he began to dread. + +"You see, Marian," he said, "I do not like to give out, when I can help +it, for they think it shirking, and there was a time when I did shirk; +but a great many times last half, I was nearly mad with the aching and +smarting of my eyes after I had been reading. And all I did was by bits +now and then; for if I went on long the letters danced, and there was a +mist between me and them." + +"I wish you would tell Mr. Lyddell; I am sure it is not fit to go on in +such a way." + +"I have told Wells," answered Lionel. + +A pause--then Lionel said, "I believe papa is in the library; I'll go +and speak to him about the emigration." + +Marian was very anxious to hear the result of the conference, but she +could not find out anything just at first as she had to drive out with +Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline to make calls. In the evening, over the game +at chess, Lionel told her that his father said he should talk to his +mother about it; and two days after he came to her in the hall, saying, +"Come and take a turn in the plantation walk, Marian; 'tis nice and +shady there, and I have something to tell you." + +The something was as follows: "Well, Marian, my father was very kind, +paid something about its being a sensible notion, and that he would see +about it." + +"But are you to go back to Eton?" + +"Yes, that must be; and I must scramble on as best I may. It will be +better at first, after all this rest. It is something gained that the +whole plan is not knocked on the head at once." + +"Then he gives his consent?" + +"Why, he says it will be time to think of it in a year or two, and I +am too young as yet, which is true enough; only, I wish I was to be +learning farming, instead of torturing my eyes with what will be no good +out there. Then he said, as to giving up the army, I need not think that +was necessary, because it was only that he did not want to have two +sons in it, and now Johnny is otherwise disposed of; and, besides Mr. +Faulkner had behaved in such a handsome way about Caroline's fortune.' + +"O!" said Marian. + +"Yes, I don't like that at all," said Lionel. "Johnny always was crazy +to be a sailor, so he is all right, and that is not what I care for; but +I don't want to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner. I had rather Caroline had +her own money, and not that we should all profit by her making this +grand marriage." + +"I should quite feel with you." + +"Marian, we have never talked that over; but I know you cannot bear the +Faulkners." + +"What is the use of asking me, Lionel?" + +"O, I know you can't, as well as if you had said so; and I want to know +how you could let Caroline go and do such a thing?" + +"I? How could I help it?" said Marian smiling, at the boy's assuming +that she had power of which she was far from being conscious. "Besides, +I thought you liked Mr. Faulkner; you, all of you, did nothing but +praise him at Christmas." + +"I did at first, not at last," said Lionel. "Besides, liking a man to go +out shooting with is not the same as liking him to marry one's sister." + +"By no means!" cried Marian, emphatically. "But what made you think ill +of him?" + +"Things I heard him say to Elliot when we were out together." + +"Did Gerald hear them?" asked Marian, very anxiously, as she remembered +what a hero Mr. Faulkner was in her brother's estimation. + +"No, I don't think he did. He certainly was not there the worst time of +all,--the time that gave a meaning to all the rest. Don't you remember +that day when Mr. Faulkner drove Elliot and me in his dog-cart to look +at that horse at Salisbury? I am sure I never praised him after that +day. He said what Elliot never would have said himself--never." + +"How?" Marian could not help asking, though she doubted the next moment +whether it was wise to have done so. + +"Things about--about religion--the Bible," said Lionel, looking down and +mumbling, as if it was with difficulty that he squeezed out the answer. +"Now, you know, I have heard," he added, speaking more freely, "I have +heard people make fun with a text or a name out of the Bible many a +time; and though that is very bad of them, I think they don't mean much +harm by it. Indeed, I have now and then done it myself, and should +oftener, if I had not known how you hated it." + +"It is a very wrong thing," but I see what you mean,--that some people +do it from want of thought." + +"Yes, just so; but that is a very different thing from almost quizzing +the whole Bible,--at least talking as if it was an absurd thing to +accept the whole of it, I do declare, Marian, he was worse when he began +to praise it than he was before; for he talked of the Old Testament as +if it was just like the Greek mythology, and then he compared it to +Homer, and AEschylus, and the Koran. To be sure he did say it was +better poetry and morality; but the idea of comparing it! I don't mean +comparing as if it must be better, but as if it stood on the same +ground." + +"And did Elliot listen to all this?" said Marian, thinking the poison +must have been in rather too intellectual a form for Elliot. + +"He listened," said Lionel. "I don't think he would ever set up to say +such things for himself; but I believe he rather liked hearing them +said. I am quite sure this Faulkner will make him worse than he is +already, for all this talk is a hundred times worse than going on in +Elliot's way." + +"To be sure it is--a thousand times!" + +"But what I want to know is this, Marian? has Caroline got any notion +of what sort of a man she has got? Because if she does it with her eyes +open, it can't be helped; but if not, I think she ought to be warned; +for I don't suppose the man is fool enough to talk in this way to her. +Indeed, I think I heard him say that believing is all very well for +women." + +"Why don't you tell her, then?" + +"That is the very thing I had on my mind all these holidays; but I know +no one would ever listen to me. If Walter was here it would be a very +different thing, for he is worth attending to, and Caroline knows that; +though she thinks I have no sense at all but for mischief." + +"She could not think so, if she heard you speak as you do now." + +"Then there is another thing, Marian, and what makes it quite--at least +very nearly out of the question; I don't believe they in the least +reckoned on my hearing all this. You know the man is very good-natured; +well, he took me up to go instead of his servant, and I was sitting +back to back with them. I sometimes think my bad eyes have made my ears +sharper, for I know I often hear when other people don't; and so I +should not expect they supposed in the least that I was attending, +though I did not miss a word, for I could not help hearing. Now, you +see, I could not possibly go and betray him; and if you were not the +safest person in the world, I would never have told you: only, if +somebody could just give Caroline a hint that she is going to marry an +infidel, it would be a pleasant thing." + +"A pleasant thing!" repeated Marian. Then she paused, considering, and +Lionel waited patiently while she did so, "I see," she said at last, +"that you could hardly tell her of this conversation; and after all, +Lionel, I believe we knew what was quite as bad of him from the first: +this only proves it a little more fully." + +"Did you?" + +"Yes, Lord Marchmont told me something of it; and I mentioned it to +Caroline before he came here at all." + +"O, that is right!" said Lionel, greatly relieved, "then it is no +concern of mine; though what can possess Caroline, I can't think. Is it +love, I wonder?" + +"I suppose so," said Marian, sighing. + +"Well, it is a queer thing," said the boy. "I should have thought +Caroline was one to care about such matters more than I, but perhaps she +means to convert him. So! I did think Caroline was good for something, +but it is no affair of mine; and I shall be all the more glad to get off +to New Zealand to be out of the sight of it all." + +"It is very sad indeed!" said Marian. "I am sure it will be nothing but +wretchedness. Caroline can blind herself now, but that will not go on." + +"And why can't you speak to her, and stop her? She used to mind you. +Does she come and talk about this man as if he was perfection?" + +"No," was the sorrowful reply. "She knew from the first my opinion of +him, and we never have any talks now. We never have had one since she +was first engaged." + +"Whew!" whistled Lionel. "Then she does mean to go and do it, and no +mistake! Then I've done with her, and shan't think about her any more +than I can help. If she won't be warned, she must Lave her own way, and +may marry the Grand Turk, if she likes it better." He whistled again, +proposed a ride, and went to order the horses; while Marian, walking +slowly to the house to prepare, did not so much grieve for Caroline, +for that was an old accustomed sorrow, as marvel at the manner in which +Lionel had spoken, and wonder where he had learnt the right views and +excellent sense he had displayed. Far was she from guessing the value of +such a steady witness to the truth as she had been from the first hour +when Lionel had perceived and maintained "that she had no humbug in +her;" how her cares for her brother had borne fruit in him; how he +learnt from her to reverence goodness, and cleave to the right; and +how he looked up to her, because her words were few, and her deeds +consistent. More right in theory, than steady in practice was Lionel; +very unformed, left untrained by those whose duty it was to watch him; +but the seeds had been sown, and be his future life what it might, it +could not but bear the impress of the years she had spent in the same +family. + +She knew nothing of all this; she only thought, as she watched his +quick, bounding run, that he, the least regarded, was the flower of the +flock, with principles as good as Walter's, and so much more manly and +active. For Marian, with all her respect for Walter, could not help +wishing, like the boys, that he had more life and spirit, and less +timidity. A little mental courage would, she thought, have brought him +to expostulate with Caroline, instead of keeping out of the way, and +leaving her to her fate. Edmund would not have done so. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + "It's hame, and it's hame, and it's hame." + + Cunningham. + + +Edmund and Gerald had promised to spend a few days at Oakworthy, before +the one returned to Portsmouth and the other to Eton; but their plans +were disconcerted by an event which, as Clara said, placed Marian in +mourning in good earnest, namely, the death of her great aunt, old Mrs. +Jessie Arundel, who had always lived at Torquay. For the last four or +five years she had been almost imbecile, and so likely to die at any +time, that, as it seemed for that very reason, every one took her death +as a surprise when it really happened. + +Edmund thought it right that both he and Gerald should attend her +funeral. Lord Marchmont, whose wife stood in the same relationship to +her, met them in London, and they all went together to Torquay, instead +of making the intended visit to Oakworthy. Gerald was obliged to return +to Eton on the following day, without coming to Oakworthy; but, to make +up for it, he wrote to his Writer from Torquay, and his letter ended +thus,--"Now I have a capital bit of news for you. Old aunt Jessie has +done what I shall venerate her for ever after--left every scrap of her +property to Edmund, except a legacy or two to her servants, a picture of +my father to me, and some queer old-fashioned jewels to you and Selina. +The will was made just after I was born; so it was to make up to Edmund +for my cutting him out of Fern Torr. You may suppose how Lord Marchmont +and I shook hands with him. It is somewhere about L20,000; there is +good news for you! He is executor, and has got to be here a day or two +longer; but Lord Marchmont and I set off by the first train to-morrow. I +shall look out for Lionel, tell him, in case he is too blind to see me. +Can't you come with him to the station, and have one moment's talk?" + +This proved to be possible; and Marian, in the interval between the +coming of the post and the setting off, had time, all the hurry of her +dressing, to wonder if she ought to be very much rejoiced. She did not +believe, that even wealth could spoil Edmund, but she did not think all +this would be of much use to him. It did not give him a home, and in +fact she thought it rather a creditable thing to be as poor as he had +hitherto been. She had rather have heard of something to make him look +less like Tressilian, than he had done the last time she had seen him. + +She had a pleasant drive with Lionel, who was very glad of any good luck +befalling Mr. Arundel, and presently, after some meditation, broke out +as follows:--"My eyes! what miles and miles it would buy in Australia" +and then proceeded to talk all the rest of the way about Australian +bulls. + +The meeting at the station was a bright one, though so short, as +scarcely to be worth the journey, if the value of such moments were to +be reckoned by their number. There was Lord Marchmont to be spoken to, +as well as Gerald, which broke into the time. Gerald looked very happy +and pleasant. He said Edmund was the best fellow in the world, and that +he had been very happy--shot lots of things--he wished he could stop to +tell about it. Then Marian hurried what she had to say, while Lionel was +looking after his luggage. "Gerald, would you just try if you can do +anything to spare Lionel's eyes? When you have the same things to do, +could you not read to him, or something? they seem so much worse, and I +am so afraid." + +"I'll try," said Gerald, "but I don't think I can do much, and he will +never give in." + +The bell rang--Lionel ran up--she wished them good-bye, and drove home, +happier than when last she parted there from Gerald, wondering what had +happened in his journey with Edmund, and re-assured, by his free cordial +tone. She took up a book and read all the way home. + +The next thing that was heard of Edmund was in a note to Mr. Lyddell, +saying that he should come and spend one night at Oakworthy, on his way +to Portsmouth; that he hoped to arrive about one o'clock, and that +he should bring Marian her aunt's legacy of the jewels. This was +communicated to her by Mrs. Lyddell, and she could not discover from +whence he wrote; she supposed from London, unless he was still detained +in Devonshire. She looked forward greatly to his coming, as there was +so much to hear about Gerald; and she felt, as if she wanted something +pleasant, very much indeed; for, now that Lionel was gone, she found +what a companion, interest, and occupation he had been, and missed +him very much. The constraint with all the others, except Clara, +was wearisome: and Clara, though never ceasing to talk, and very +affectionately, was anything but a companion, while poor Caroline kept +more than ever aloof, and had a flightiness of spirits--a sort of +gaiety of manner--which, to Marian, seemed to be assumed. This was more +especially the case, after there was an idea of fixing the marriage for +some time in the autumn, and arrangements were talked over. Marian began +to have little doubt that she was secretly unhappy, and grew more and +more tender in feeling towards her; while, by an effect of contraries, +her manner became more frigid and severe, in proportion to the warmth +within. + +Clara wondered a little what Mr. Arundel was coming for, and laughed and +looked significant when Marian said she knew perfectly well; but Marian +thought she knew so thoroughly as not to be in the least disconcerted, +though Clara's glances were full upon her when he was announced. In he +came, just at luncheon time; he shook hands with Marian with all his +might, and one glance convinced her that he had not Tressilian's +face--nay, that though the sun of Africa had left its traces, he was +more like the Edmund of the olden time, than she had ever seen him since +her father's death. There were a good many people at luncheon that day. +Mr. Faulkner was there, and there were some visitors staying in the +house. Edmund was a good way from her, and she could only hear his voice +now and then in the buzz; but it was a very pleasant sound to hear, and +when he laughed, it was his own natural, free, gay laugh, such as it +used to be. She was sure he was very happy, and wondered if it was +possible Aunt Jessie's fortune could have made him so, or whether it +could all be the satisfaction of having set Gerald to rights. + +As they rose to leave the dining room, he came to her, saying, "Marian, +can you have a walk with me?" + +"Oh, yes, I should like it of all things; I will be ready in one +minute." And away she bounded, saying to Caroline, in the boldest and +most innocent manner in the world, as if on purpose to show that she +expected nothing, and would not be laughed at, that Edmund had asked her +to walk with him. He waited for her in the hall, and they went out, she +scarcely pausing till they were on the steps, to say, "Well, how did you +get on with Gerald? I am sure you made him very happy." + +"We got on famously. He is a very nice fellow; he only wanted a little +stimulus the right way. He is thoroughly open and candid, and I have no +fear but that he will do very well." + +Marian could not speak for joy, and for gratitude to her cousin; and +her heart throbbing with delight, she walked on, waiting for him to say +something more on this most precious of all tidings. But when he spoke +again, it was if he had done with the subject of Gerald. "Marian, I +have something to tell you," He paused--she stood in suspense--he began +again. "Marian, I am going to be married!" + +"O!" and the inquiring, joyful, wondering, confident tone of that O, is +what nothing can ever convey. Her eyes were turned full on him with the +same eager curiosity, the same certainty, that he could not do other +than the best. He did not speak; but the half smile on his lip was a +full though mute reply to her confidence, that she had only to hear, in +order to rejoice with all her heart; and he held out a note directed to +her, in Agnes' writing! + +Marian took it, but she was too wild, too delighted, too eager to look +at him, and hear him, to be able to open it. "O Edmund!" was what she +said now, and she caught hold of his hand for an ecstatic shake. + +"Yes, thank you, yes. I said I must tell you myself, Marian--my sister." + +"O, I never heard anything more delightful in my life," said Marian, +with a sort of gasp, as soon as the overwhelming delight gave her +breath. "O, Edmund, Edmund!" + +"You have not read her note yet." + +Marian tore it open, but there was scarcely any thing to read; it was +only-- + + "Dearest Marian,--He will have a note to carry you, + but I can't say anything for bewilderment. I know he will + tell you all about it, so it is of no use my writing. Are + not you sorry he should have a wife so far from good enough + for him? + + "Your affectionate and most amazed + + "AGNES." + +Marian held it up to him, smiling. "But of course you have seen it?" + +"No, I have not; I suppose she thought I should not carry such +nonsense." + +"Well, I am sure there is no other person in all the wide world that I +could have thought good enough for you. Agnes! Agnes! O, Edmund, I wish +there was any way of not being quite choked with gladness!" + +Edmund smiled, and perhaps he was "choked with gladness" beyond the +power of speech; for the two cousins only proceeded to shake hands +again. The next thing that was said was after an interval. "Marian, you +remember our bargain six years ago? Have you grown so very fond of the +Lyddells as to repent of it?" + +"O, Edmund, you have not thought of that?" + +"Have not we? It was one of the first things we did think of." + +"I don't think I can bear to hear of much more happiness," said Marian, +in almost a crying voice. "I am so glad for you that I can't be glad for +myself yet. I can't take it all in; it is too good to be true!" + +"Indeed it does seem so. But you agree? Agnes said I must make you agree +first of all." + +"Don't I? Only I want to enjoy it for you,--it is so beyond everything!" + +"Well, wasn't I a wise man to say I would not miss the pleasure of +telling you myself?" + +"Then do tell me; do let us be rational, if we can. Then you came here +from Fern Torr?" + +"Yes. Did you not know that?" + +"No. I did not hear where you wrote from. How long were you there?" + +"I only went on Wednesday." + +"Then it was only one whole day! How much you must have had to settle!" + +"So much, that we settled scarcely anything." + +"Then you don't know when it is to be?" + +"No, and Mrs. Wortley talks of having time,--poor Mrs. Wortley, but I +don't think I shall take her away far; I have some notion of looking out +for some place close at hand." + +"Just what we settled long ago. But O! begin and tell me all, +Edmund,--as much as you like to tell me, at least. I want to know how +you first came to think of it." Then, as he smiled, she added, "I mean, +how long you have been thinking of it." + +"If you mean how long with any hope, only since I knew of good aunt +Jessie's consideration for me. How long it has been in my mind I cannot +tell; certainly before I went to Africa. You see, Marian," he continued, +as if he was apologising, "it was this which made me think it advisable +for me to go, though, as I see now, it was not at all good for Gerald." + +"What,--you mean--I am not sure that I understand--" + +"Don't you see, Marian, feeling as I did, and knowing how out of +the question it was for a penniless man like me, to think of +marrying,--Agnes so young too, and I with everything to draw me to what +had been my only home,--there was nothing to be done but to keep out +of the way, to guard me against myself; and that was easier with seas +between. I don't know whether I did right or not, but I hoped I did, +because it cost me something; yet it was a forsaking of Gerald which +might have done much harm, though I hope it has not, as it has turned +out." + +"I see it all!" said Marian, resting there, because she had not a word +with which to express her honour of his noble conduct. + +"You will forgive me now," he added, with a smile, "for what you thought +my neglect of home." + +"I am only afraid I must often have given you a great deal of pain," she +almost whispered. + +"Never, except when I thought it right to silence you. It was only too +delightful to hear their very names. You might well tell me that she had +grown prettier than ever." + +On talked and walked the cousins, over the downs, which had certainly +never been trodden by happier people. At last they recollected that they +must return, if they wished to be in time for the post, and retraced +their steps, talking as eagerly as ever. As they were coming near the +house, Marian said, "Does Gerald know?" + +"Not yet; I shall write to him to-morrow." + +"Is it to be a secret? Of course I should say nothing about it while you +are here, but may I mention it afterwards?" + +"They said nothing about secrecy," said Edmund; "in fact I think +attempting it, only results in making one look foolish. Yes, you are +welcome to tell whom you please as soon as I am out of the way. I had +rather the Lyddells know." + +"Very well; indeed, I don't think I can keep it to myself, it is too +much joy." + +"Do you expect them to participate in your pleasure at making your +escape from them?" + +"There is no one to miss me, except, perhaps, Lionel, a little, when his +eyes are bad. Caroline would once have cared, but that is over now, poor +thing! There never was a time when I should have been more glad to get +away. O, Edmund, if you would do one thing to oblige me, it would be, +to have your wedding the same day as Caroline's, that I might not be +obliged to be at it." + +"At which?" + +"O, you know!" + +"Is it such a very bad affair?" + +"O, I am very much grieved about it. The man has no religion at all, you +know; at least, if he has any, it is all natural religion,--anything but +the truth." + +"Do you really mean that the family have accepted him, allowed this to +go on, knowing such things of him?" + +"I don't know how far they see it. I don't think they allow it to +themselves, and I don't think they would understand some of it; as, for +instance, when I heard him talking the other day as if he assumed that +Christianity was only a development of people's tendency to believe,--as +fleeting as other forms of faith. It was not very broadly stated, and +I don't think I should have seen it, if it had not chimed in with +something I had read; and, besides, I knew what was in the man." + +"How do you know? Not from your own observation?" + +"O, no, no; I liked him at first. I could have liked him very much, if +Lord Marchmont had not told me about him, and then I had the key to +him." + +"And this poor Miss Lyddell?" + +"She knew what I did," said Marian, sadly. "But he is very +agreeable,--at least he is thought so,--and they all admired him so +much, and paid such court to him, that--Yet I did think better things of +Caroline. Lionel is the only one who has found him out, and he thinks of +it just as I do, O, Edmund, I am sure you would like Lionel." + +"How are his eyes?" asked Edmund, as they were coming under the portico, +and could not talk of any of the more delicate subjects. "I thought +Gerald gave a very bad account of them; indeed, I scarcely expected that +he could have gone back to Eton." + +"I sometimes think," almost whispered Marian, "that it is not he, poor +boy, whose eyes are the worst in the house; but Mrs. Lyddell's head has +been so full of Johnny, and Caroline, and all she has to do, that she +will not see anything amiss with Lionel." + +"He must be a boy of a great deal of resolution and principle, to have +struggled on as he has clone, by Gerald's account. Ah! I meant to have +told you about Gerald, but all our time is gone." + +"Never mind, we can talk of him in the evening. There is a corner of +mine where I always get out of the way of the people, and where I +have had many a nice talk with Walter, or Lionel, under cover of Miss +Grimley's music. Now where do you like to write your letter? If you had +not rather do it in your own room, there is a nice quiet place in +the old school-room, where I write mine, when the drawing-room is +uninhabitable." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, partly because he was just so shy of +letting his own handwriting be seen in the address, that he meant to +avail himself of Marian's cover. Just as Marian had finished a note, too +joyous to have any sense in it, and containing a promise to write more +sensibly to-morrow, had directed the cover, and told her cousin that +he must wind up if he meant to catch the post, Clara opened the door, +gazed, laughed, and was retiring in haste, when Marian, without a shade +of the confusion Clara had hoped for, called her back. "Edmund came here +to write a note," she said, "don't go away." + +Edmund made some demonstration about intruding, and wrote the +conclusion, at which nothing but some interruption would have made him +arrive, put it into the envelope, gave it face downwards to Marian, +and departed. Now Mrs. Lyddell and Clara were both persuaded that Mr. +Arundel had come for no other purpose than to propose to Marian; and +they had been entertaining themselves during their drive with conversing +on the subject; so that Clara was never more surprised and puzzled in +her life than by seeing Marian stand there, smiling, and with beaming +eyes, brighter than ever she had looked before, but without one particle +of a blush,--white-faced as ever, only dancing first on one foot, then +on the other, balancing her bonnet on one hand, and with the other +holding the precious letter. + +"Well, Marian!" + +"Well!" Marian made a pirouette. "I must run and put this letter in the +box." And so saying, away she ran down stairs, up again in a second; +then meeting the astonished Clara at the head of the stairs, she took +her round the waist, and fairly waltzed her to her own door, opened it, +threw herself into a chair, exclaimed, "I beg your pardon, Clara; you'll +think me mad, but I'll tell you all about it to-morrow." + +Fanny was present, so Clara could do nothing but stare; and lateness, +and a dinner-party necessitating a hasty toilette, she retreated, while +Marian contained her raptures as best she could, and meditated on the +delightful life she was to lead with Agnes and Edmund, in some cottage +on the borders of Fern Torr. O happiness, such as she had never +known, which seemed to bring back as much of her home as could ever +return,--which would be everything for Gerald! Every care gone, Edmund +happy, Gerald satisfactory, her own exile at an end. Her head almost +swain round with happiness, and she wanted to turn to the glass, to +persuade herself that she could be the same Marian Arundel, wide awake, +and yet so very, very happy. + +However, it was all future, as far as concerned herself; and that cares +were in the world she was convinced, by her own pang at seeing Caroline, +whom she overtook on her way down stairs. She had no disposition to +whirl _her_ round; but there was a softened feeling, belonging perhaps +to the fulness of her own joy, that made her, as she came up with her, +put her arm round her, as she had now and then walked with her in former +days. Caroline looked in her face, and drew the arm closer without +speaking. Their faces had always been unlike, but the contrast was +stronger than ever. Marian, with those pale, regular features, plain +dark hair, black eyes and eyebrows, with her mourning dress, and yet +with a radiant, irrepressible joy and buoyancy all round and about her; +while Caroline, with her small pretty features, rosy colour, blue eyes, +glossy curls, her pink dress and gold bracelets, was in general air very +different, and in countenance how much more; for the eyes were restless, +the smile came rather as if it was called, than as if it resided +naturally on her lip,--the colour of her cheeks, though bright, looked +fixed and feverish; and now and then, there was a quiver about the whole +face. How different from the secure expression of happiness, now and +then illuminated, as it were, with some sudden flash of secret joy, +which sat on Marian's broad, serene brow. + +They entered the drawing-room together, and from that time Marian was +outwardly her own stiff, distant self, till the promised time in the +evening, when Edmund made his way to her in her corner, where he was +greeted by a most sunny look. "Now for Gerald," said she. + +Edmund had a great deal to tell about Gerald. He thought him, on the +whole, a very nice, amiable, right-minded boy, who only wanted more +training and watching than Mr. Lyddell would or could give. He had, +after a time, been brought to be entirely open and confiding; and this, +for which Edmund seemed to be really grateful to him, and to admire him, +was the great point, he had made Edmund a friend, instead of looking at +him as a guardian,--found that he could sympathize, and had ended by +trusting and consulting him. Marian, though wondering how the reserve +had ever been, conquered, felt the relief of knowing that all was safe +now, and was not hurt by his confiding in any one but herself. Edmund +really thought it was safe. "I believe I know the worst of him now, poor +fellow," he said, smiling, "and the worst is not much. He has been going +on in a careless, thoughtless way, out of high spirits and imitation, a +good deal, and the consciousness made him keep back from you; he owns +that, and is very sorry." + +"Does he? dear Gerald!" + +"He seemed to feel deeply that he had neglected you; but he said, and +very truly, how much there had been against him,--no one, as he said, to +make him mind; and the fellows would have laughed at him, if they had +found out that he attended to his sister." + +"Ah! Johnny sowed that mischief long ago!" + +"I hope it is not weakness. I do not think it is; for there was +manliness in confessing all, and he seemed to feel the folly strongly." + +"Did he tell you about the debts?" + +"Yes, and of his own accord. They are nothing in themselves; but he has +been allowed too much money, has had little warning, and his title was +against him too. So if we can break off the habit of extravagance, there +is no great harm done. After all, you know, he is very young, and +there is plenty of time to form his character. I am sure he has good +dispositions of every kind, and if he has but resolution, he will be +sure to do well," + +"I think there is resolution in his temper. Nothing shakes him when his +mind is once made up." + +So Marian was very well satisfied on the whole about her brother, and +she might justly be so by Edmund's account. There was nothing to disturb +her happiness, and she only doubted whether she should be able to sleep +for it. Her brother restored, as well as everything else! + +When bed-time came, Mrs. Lyddell looked at her, as if expecting +something more to be said than "good night," but nothing came,--nothing +but the dancing light in the eyes. Clara followed her to the room, and +stood gazing at her. "Why, Marian," at last she said, "can't you tell me +anything about it?" + +"No; not till to-morrow." + +"O, that is too bad, Marian, when you heard all I had to tell directly." + +"I can't help it; I am not at liberty to tell other people's affairs." + +"Don't look so grand, Marian, pray. I am sure I thought this was your +own." + +"So it is in a way." + +"In a way? Why, Marian, what an extraordinary girl you are! not your own +affair! Well, if you are impenetrable, I can't help it; but it is not +kind, when we all want to congratulate you." + +"Stop, stop, Clara!" exclaimed Marian, and now she did blush, "will you +be satisfied if I tell you that it is not what you suppose? You shall +hear what it is to-morrow, and then you will see what nonsense you have +been talking." + +"What?" cried Clara, "you are not--" + +"Don't say it, pray don't! Never was any one further from it. Now do +go to bed, Clara, for I cannot tell you a word more, and keep your +curiosity at rest for to-night." + +Marian took care not to be caught alone by Clara before breakfast the +next morning, and almost immediately after breakfast, Edmund departed. +Marian had been out into the hall with him to exchange some last words, +and Mrs. Lyddell, meantime, was observing to Caroline that she never +knew anything so strange; she thought it was due to herself, however +unpleasant it might be, to claim some confidence from Miss Arundel, on +such matters, while living under her care. Marian came back, however, +with her innocent look of delight,--a look so unlike the bashfulness of +a damsel in love, that Mrs. Lyddell felt again doubtful; and before she +could speak, Marian had turned to Clara and said, "Now I will tell you +what makes me so happy. Edmund and Agnes Wortley are engaged, and I am +to go and live with them." + +"Miss Wortley!" at once exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell and her daughters, in the +extremity of surprise; and then Mrs. Lyddell and Clara asked all the +usual questions in haste and eagerness, wondering within themselves most +of all at Marian's full rejoicing, for till now they had never been +able to see that Edmund was really to her only like an elder brother. +Caroline scarcely spoke, only went on nervously with her work. At last, +when some interruption had caused her mother and Clara to leave the +room, she laid it down, looked at Marian for a moment or two, then said, +in a trembling voice, "Dear Marian, I am glad you are so happy! I am +glad you are to live with them!" then kissed her, and hastened away +before she could answer or return the caress. Her handkerchief was +raised as she closed the door. Marian sat and grieved, for well did she +know all poor Caroline conveyed by that "I am glad you are to live with +them." It meant that Caroline felt that she had given up the esteem and +friendship in which they had lived,--that she thought her own home unfit +for one brought from such a sphere as Fern Torr,--that she resigned all +those plans for Clara's good, everything that had been valued between +them,--that she looked not for happiness for herself, and though she +had forfeited such affection as once had been hers, yet she still loved +Marian. How could Marian rejoice so much, when such a fate was waiting +for Caroline? Poor Caroline! she contrasted her feelings with those of +Agnes, grieved again over her, and ended by blaming herself for all the +coldness and severity of the last six weeks, requited as it was by so +much kind, fond affection. + +Yet Caroline was weakly, wilfully doing wrong. How should she behave +rightly towards her? O, why would nothing happen to save her, and break +off this mockery of a marriage? But as of this there seemed little +hope,--as the Faulkners were at Oakworthy more than ever, and Mrs. +Lyddell was talking in good earnest of wedding clothes, and bridesmaids, +it was a comfort to have these better hopes to occupy herself with. + +Especially did she enjoy the idea of Gerald's rejoicing, and it was very +eagerly that she watched for his first letter of delight. It came as +soon as heart could wish; but so mixed are joy and grief in this world, +that even Gerald's letter could not convey unalloyed pleasure, but +filled her with a fresh anxiety,--or more properly, strengthened and +realized what had hitherto been but a vague terror. + + "Eton, Sept. 14th. + + "My dear Marian,--Never was anything better in this + world than Edmund's plans. I give him infinite credit for + them; and, as head of the family, he has my full consent. + I wish they would go and live at the Manor House + till I am of age,--that would be jolly! Lionel desires me + to tell you that it is all very well, except your going from + Oakworthy, and he shall go about the house like a mad + fury," (here followed his portrait in the character,) "if you + go before he is off after the blue wild beestes at the Cape. + His eyes are very bad, and I wish you would tell Mrs. + Lyddell about them; for I don't believe it is a bit of use + his staying here, and though I am very glad to help him, + doing all his work and my own too is more than I can stand. + It is much worse than last half; then he could see to read, + though it hurt him; now Greek or small print beats him entirely, + and he cannot look out a word in the Lexicon. He + does just manage to write, and he never forgets anything; + so another fellow and I have dragged him through, this + week. But it cannot go on so; and as he won't give up or + complain, I will have something done about it, or he will + blind himself outright before he has done. I cannot think + how it is my tutor has not found it out, but I suppose it is + that Lionel is so sharp, and has such a memory. Do speak + to Mrs. Lyddell. + + "Your affectionate brother, + + "E. GERALD ARUNDEL" + +Marian carried the letter at once to Mrs. Lyddell's dressing-room, but +she found that Gerald had been mistaken in supposing the tutor had not +observed Lionel's failing sight: for the same post had brought a letter +from him, which had at length completely alarmed Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, +and the former was going at once to write to his son to meet him in +London, where he intended to consult one of the first oculists. + +This was a great relief. Mr. Lyddell set off, and the party at home +comforted themselves with predictions that all would soon be remedied; +Marian and Clara agreeing that it would be very pleasant to have Lionel +at home to walk with them, and to be nursed. + +Mr. Lyddell had been gone about two days; Caroline and Clara were at +High Down, and Marian was returning from a solitary ramble in the park, +enjoying her last letter from Agnes, when, as she crossed the lawn, she +was startled by finding Lionel stretched on his face on the grass, just +at the turn where some bushes concealed him from the windows. He lay +flat, without his hat, his forehead resting on one arm; while with his +hand he tore up daisies and grass, and threw them hastily over his +shoulder, while his whole frame quivered in a convulsive agony of +distress. + +"Lionel! Lionel! you come home? What is the matter?" exclaimed she. + +"Matter! matter enough, I think," said, or rather muttered Lionel; +"There is an end of the Cape, or anything else." + +"How are your eyes?" asked Marian, in consternation. + +"Only I am blind for life!" answered Lionel; still hiding his face, and +speaking in a sullen, defiant tone. + +Marian, dreadfully shocked, almost beyond all power of speaking or +moving, could only drop down sitting on the grass beside him, and take +his hand. + +"All neglect, too," he added; then vehemently, "I don't believe, no I +don't, there is any pauper's son in the parish that would have been so +used!" + +Her voice was low with fright: "But, Lionel, what has happened? Let me +see you. Is it worse? can't you see?" + +"O yes, I can see now, after a fashion, at least, but that is soon to +go, they say, and then--They have done it themselves, and they may have +that satisfaction!" added he, with a fearful bitterness in his tone. +"Elections, and parliament, and dinners, and that Faulkner,--that is +what they have given my sight for." He withdrew his hand, and turned his +shoulder from Marian, as if resolute not to be comforted; and again he +shook with agony. + +"O, don't say such dreadful things, dear Lionel! O, if I could but do +anything for you!" she cried, in a tone of heartfelt grief, which seemed +to soften the poor boy a little; for he twisted round, so that his face, +still pillowed on one arm, was half raised to her, and she could see +how flushed it was, and that the eyelids were inflamed, though not +with tears, and the eyes themselves had not altered from their former +appearance. + +"'Tis not your fault," he said. "If my mother had cared for me one +quarter--" + +"Don't blame anybody, pray!" interrupted Marian: "it only makes it +worse. Only tell me all about it. Did the occulist say--" + +"Not to me," answered Lionel; "not the worst, at least. He examined my +eyes very closely, and asked me all manner of questions about what I +could see, and what I could not, and what things hurt them, and how long +it had been going on, and how I had been using them. Then he told me +that it was impossible for him to do anything for them as yet, till the +disease had made more progress; that most likely I should quite lose my +sight this winter, and then I must come to him again. So that was bad +enough, but I could have made up my mind to that, and they sent me away. +Then it seems that, after I was gone, he went on about it to papa, and +told him that the mischief had been brewing time out of mind, and some +time ago it might have been stopped; but all that straining of my eyes +at Eton, last half, had done immense harm, and confirmed the disease; +and it is of a kind that--that--there is no cure for!" He buried his +face again. + +"Did Mr. Lyddell tell you this?" + +"No, he only told me we were to go home directly, and wrote to Gerald to +send my things from Eton. He hardly spoke a word all the way,--only led +me about, and poked me in and out of the carriage, as if I was +blind already; it put me almost in a rage. Then as soon as we came +home,--about half an hour ago, I should think,--he told it all straight +out to my mother, did not mince matters, I assure you: indeed, I believe +they both forgot I was there. They are apt to forget me, you know. He +regularly stormed about the neglect, and told her it was all her fault; +and while this was going on, I found I had heard the worst, and I did +not want to be pitied, so I came out here. And so there is the whole +story for you, Marian, and a pretty one it is! A fine sort of life I +shall have instead--" + +"Well but, Lionel," cried Marian, eagerly, "are you sure that be said +_for certain_ that it was hopeless? for it seems so odd that he should +have told you one thing, and Mr. Lyddell another." + +"Pshaw! I suppose he had got some consideration, and did not want to +knock me down with the worst at once." + +"I should think it was more comfortable to know the worst at once!" said +Marian, meditatively, "so as to be able to settle one's mind to it." + +"A pretty thing to settle one's mind to," said Lionel, "to know I must +be a good-for-nothing, dependent wretch all my days! As well be a woman, +or an idiot at once! There, I shall never see that tree green again; no, +and spring--I have seen my last of that! and I may look my last at all +your faces. Johnny I shall never see again." + +Ho was crying bitterly now,--almost choking with tears; and Marian's +were flowing too. She was much distressed at the present moment; for +though the weeping was likely to relieve him, she feared it might be +doing harm to his eyes, and she did not know in the least whether it +ought to be checked, or, indeed, how to check it. Grieved and in great +consternation she was, in truth, for she was very fond of Lionel, +and full of such strong sympathy and compassion, as to be perfectly +incapable of expressing it, in the slightest degree. But he knew her; +she had been the only person who had ever been uneasy about his +sight, and this went for a great deal with him: so that, with all her +undemonstrativeness, there was no one whom he could have liked so well +to have near him in that moment of dire despair. "O, I am so sorry!" +expressed infinitely more than the simple words. + +"You see, Marian," said he, raising himself, and struggling with the +sobs of which he was ashamed, "I could bear it better if I had not had +such a scheme for my life, and my father consenting too. Australia, and +those wild cattle, and that glorious Bush life, always galloping in the +plains; and now to be condemned to be moping about here, for ever, in +darkness and helplessness. O, to think of the plans we have made, all +come to an end for ever!" and again he was weeping violently. + +"They might have been stopped otherwise," said Marian, catching at any +possible idea that might answer, or seem to console him; "you know you +might have been ill, or met with an accident, and had a great deal to +suffer." + +"I would suffer anything rather than lose my eyesight! You don't know +what you are talking of." + +"Then just suppose this complaint had come on, in some lonely place out +in the wilds, with no one to take care of you." + +"It would not, I should have had no Greek to put my eyes out." + +"And after all, dear Lionel, you know----;" there she was choked--"you +know that--" and she was choked again--"you know where it comes from." + +"I know what you mean," he said; "and if it did--But it is my mother's +neglect; there is the bitterness of it. Why, you and my father tried to +stir her up to it in the spring, and she would not; and then, when for +very shame she must attend, what does she do but let me go muddling on +with that old woman Wells! She has regularly thrown my sight away, as +much as if she had pulled my eyes out and thrown them over the hedge." + +"No one could ever have guessed--" + +"I tell you she might have guessed. Any other mother in the world would +have been frightened years ago, long before I went to school. If it had +been Elliot or Johnny, wouldn't she have had half the doctors in London? +but what did she ever trouble her head about _me?_" + +"Now, Lionel, that must not be said. You know it is wrong, and I am sure +you will see how sorry she is, and how it was really not having time." + +"I dare say she is sorry--I should hope so--now it is too late, and she +has done it." + +"But why will you accuse any one?" said Marian, sorely perplexed, and +secretly sharing all his indignation against Mrs. Lyddell. "You know it +only embitters you and makes it all worse; and after all, even if man +had actually done the mischief, it still would ultimately be sent from +Heaven." + +"I don't see that that makes it any better," murmured Lionel. + +"O don't you, Lionel?" said she earnestly; "doesn't it make you sure it +is for the best?" + +"I don't know what I have done to be so punished," went on Lionel to +himself; "I have not always been good, but I have tried, and more +lately, to do right; there are many much less steady than I, who--" + +"Yes, yes, Lionel, but perhaps it is not as good for them to be +prosperous. Indeed, indeed I am quite sure, though I don't understand it +all, or see the way, that if you will but bear it rightly, you will be +glad, if not before, yet at least when you die, even of this terrible +affliction." + +"I almost wish I was dying now!" said Lionel gloomily, "if I could but +die the last day that I am to see the sky and everything, instead of +droning on in the dark, a burthen to myself and every one else, for +I don't know how long, forty, fifty, sixty years perhaps. You know, +Marian, I am only sixteen--" + +There was a burst of tears again, and Marian felt herself an +unsuccessful comforter, nor did she wonder at it, for she could not +fancy that anything could relieve the sense of such a misfortune as poor +Lionel's, except the really high source of consolation, and that as yet +only by faith, which might make him take it on trust as the best in the +end, though for the present he must feel all the misery. She had no time +to answer him again, for the garden door opened, and at the sound he +dashed away his tears, sprang to his feet, and assumed a firm, cold, +would-be indifferent look, as Mrs. Lyddell came out and advanced towards +them. Marian thought her looking flushed and agitated, and her voice +certainly betrayed more emotion than had ever been shown in it, except +when bidding Johnny farewell. + +"Lionel, my dear, sitting on the damp grass? You will certainly catch +cold! I have been searching for you everywhere, but I am glad you were +with Marian. I wanted to ask you, my dear, whether you would like to +have your own room or Walter's," added she, wandering on as if anxious +to say what was kindest, yet dreading to come to the subject nearest +their hearts. + +"My own, thank you," bluntly answered Lionel, "I'll and unpack." He +brushed hastily by her, and ran into the house up stairs, his roughness +contrasting with her affectionate tone. She looked at Marian, and saw +the trace of tears on her eyelids, and her own lip quivered while her +eyes filled, and she said in a trembling voice, "Poor dear boy! has he +been telling you? Does he know it all?" + +"Yes," said Marian, anxiously, "but is it really so very bad? Is there +no hope?" + +"No hope? Who said so?" exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell quickly. + +"He did," said Marian; "he said Mr. Lyddell told you so." + +"Was he there?" exclaimed she: "Ah! that was Mr. Lyddell's strong way of +putting things! So unfortunate--forgetting all about him. Poor fellow! I +must go to him directly, and tell him it was no such thing." + +"What? how? O do tell me!" cried Marian, turning and hurrying with her, +and speaking with, such earnestness that Mrs. Lyddell could not doubt of +her sympathy now. She slackened her pace, and explained that what the +surgeon, had said was, that there was confirmed disease, and of a very +serious character, but the precise nature could not be ascertained till +it had made greater progress, and it was then possible that it might +prove capable of removal. + +Mrs. Lyddell was resolved that neither herself nor any one else should +believe anything but what was most hopeful. She could not have borne +it otherwise. She really was far from being indifferent to any of her +children, though multiplicity of occupation, and thoughts, engaged on +what she considered the welfare of the family, had prevented her +from being properly attentive to all, and she was so accustomed to +uninterrupted prosperity, as to have almost forgotten that there was +such a thing as anxiety or misfortune. Lionel, neither the eldest nor +the youngest, healthy, and independent, neither remarkable for beauty +nor grace, just unruly enough to be provoking, and just steady enough to +be no cause of anxiety, had been as much a cipher in the family as a One +lively boy could be; but though slow to be roused into anxiety, she felt +it with full force when it came, all the motherly affection, which while +secure had appeared dormant, revived, she was dreadfully shocked, and +would have been utterly overwhelmed by the accusation of neglect, had it +not been for her sanguine spirit. In this temper she represented all to +Marian in the most cheering light, and hastened up stairs to do the same +to Lionel. Marian, relieved and hopeful, was waiting to collect some +properties of hers, to carry to her room, when she met Mr. Lyddell. She +went up to greet him, and thinking that he looked very mournful, there +was more cordiality and fellow-feeling in her way of addressing him than +ever there had been before, though she simply said "Good morning" and +shook hands. + +"You have heard about it, Marian?" said he. "Has he been with you, poor +fellow?" + +"Yes," said Marian, "he is in his own room now." + +"Ah! you spoke long ago," said Mr. Lyddell; "I wish we had attended to +you." + +"It was Edmund who remarked it," said she. + +"Ay, ay, and senseless it was not to attend. Then it seems that +something might have been done, at any rate he would not have gone on +injuring them with his work at Eton, but now it is as good as a lost +case. Poor fellow!" + +"O!" exclaimed Marian, thrown back again, "I thought there was a hope +that it might not prove to be the worst." + +"There is just a shade of chance that it may turn out otherwise, and +that, your mother--Mrs. Lyddell I mean--takes hold of, but I have not +the slightest hope. The surgeon said, it had all the appearance of a +confirmed case, such as cannot be removed." + +Marian stood aghast, and Mr. Lyddell, with a sort of groan, most painful +to hear, passed her, and shut himself into his study. The only thing she +could think of doing, was to pour out her dismay and compassion in a +letter to Gerald, and she repaired to the schoolroom for the purpose of +writing, but she had not been there long, before Lionel came in, and sat +down astride on the music-stool, just as he used to do, but with a very +different expression of countenance from the wild, reckless spirit of +merriment which used to possess him. He sat and meditated for a little +while, then exclaimed, "Marian, whom have you seen since I left you?" + +"Nobody but Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell." + +"Did you hear papa say anything about it?" + +"Yes, a little." + +"Did he say what the doctor thought of it?" + +"Yes." + +"Tell me the very words," and he leant his elbows on the table, looking +at her fixedly. + +"Ah! Lionel, can you bear it? They are so very sad." + +"Tell me them, I say." + +Marian looked down, as if she could not bear to meet his countenance, +and faltered as she repeated them. + +"Ay!" said Lionel, springing up, and flinging himself round +passionately, "I knew it was humbug all the time!" + +"What? How? O Lionel, what have I done?" + +"As if I was a fool or a baby, to be fed with false hopes," proceeded +Lionel, sitting down, and hiding his face on his crossed arms on the +table; "she might have let that alone, she has done me mischief enough +already." + +"Lionel," said Marian, firmly and gravely, for she was really shocked at +his tone, "you must not come to me, if it is to speak in such a manner +of your mother." + +"Very well," said Lionel coldly, rising up to leave the room, then +pausing just as his hand was on the door, "I thought _you_ did feel for +me, Marian." + +"O Lionel, dear Lionel," and she sprang to him, to lead him back to his +seat, but he still retained his hold of the lock and would not move; +"you know"--her tears were flowing--"you know how I grieve for you; but +if you are in trouble, that ought not to make you do wrong," He was +turning the lock, and hardened his face, but Marian went on, "Don't go, +Lionel, only hear me. Mrs. Lyddell is very unhappy about you, and I am +sure you must see yourself, that if she blames herself for any want of +care, her only comfort must be in hoping for the best, making the most +of this little ray." + +"Then _you_ think there is a ray!" interrupted Lionel. + +"So far as that nothing is certain, but I am afraid it is so slight, +that you had much better not trust to it, but settle your mind to bear +whatever may come." + +"Very easy talking! If you had but to do it!" cried Lionel, impetuously +wrenching the door open in spite of her gentle resistance, and running +off determinately, leaving her, poor girl, in great despair, at having +so completely failed either in comforting, softening, or bringing him to +any kind of resigned feeling, having besides vexed him, made him think +her unkind; and though this was unintentional, and might be better for +him, just contradicted what his mother wished him to believe. + +Her distress was too great even for writing to Gerald, and she walked +up and down, thinking what to do, longing to find him some better +comforter, and offering up many a prayer for him, till at last she heard +Caroline and Clara come home, and remembering that happen what might, +she must dress for dinner, up she went, heavily and sorrowfully. + +As soon as she was dressed, she went to Clara's room, feeling that this +would be but kind. Clara was not there, and she hesitated whether to go +on to Caroline's, once her frequent resort. At that instant, however, +both sisters came up together, and hastened to her. "O Marian Marian!" +exclaimed Clara. + +"You know all about it, I suppose," said Caroline. + +"Yea, indeed I do." + +"Come in here," said Caroline opening her door; "I want to know about +him, poor fellow, and how he bears it. Have you seen anything of him?" + +Marian told all she could, without betraying what was confidential, and +did her best to soften Lionel's conduct, by which his sisters evidently +had been disappointed, saying that he had scarcely chosen to speak +to them. Marian explained what was on her mind, how she had, without +intending it, flatly contradicted Mrs. Lyddell's cheering assurances, +regretting it much, as injustice towards Mrs. Lyddell, but of this, +Caroline thought little. + +"Mamma is always sanguine," she said, "and it was only her colouring +that made Lionel think her account hopeful. It must be better for him, +poor fellow, to know the truth, than to have his mind unsettled with +vain hopes. O dear! O dear! how sad it is, and at his age too! It breaks +one's heart to think of it." + +All coldness and distance had left Caroline's manner in speaking to +Marian, and this was a great comfort, in the midst of their troubles. + +A very uncomfortable time it was, which thus commenced. Lionel was a +good boy on the whole, with right principles, and some seriousness of +mind, but he was far too undisciplined to meet patiently such a trial +as this. He had pride, and a high spirit, and this made him assume a +bearing, which was a good deal admired in the family, trying to carry +it off with a high hand, never openly uttering a word of complaint, and +seeming as if he would rather die than directly express the miserable +despairing feelings within, though, poor boy, he little knew how +evidently they showed themselves in his gloomy silence, his outbreaks of +temper, and his almost desperate, defiant spirit of independence. + +His father and mother, not understanding him in the least, managed, in +the revulsion of feeling which made him now the first object in the +family, to try his temper perpetually. He had in former times, missed +their demonstrations of affection, though healthy, high-spirited, and by +no means sentimental, the craving had been only occasional, he had done +very well without them, and had gained habits of freedom incompatible +with being petted. He had never been used to be interfered with, and +could not understand it at all; and that remembrance of past neglect +embittered all his feelings. + +Mr. Lyddell had just found out, as Marian had thought long ago, that +Lionel was the flower of his flock, the one of his sons, who alone +united spirit and steadiness, for the emigration scheme had shown a +degree of sense, enterprise, and consideration which had at the time +pleased and surprised him, and now added much to his sense of the +promise lost. He laid all the blame of the neglect on his wife, but he +did not lament it the less keenly. His extreme kindness and solicitude +for the boy, were, to those who compared them with his general +character, quite affecting, but unluckily they displayed themselves is a +way which harassed Lionel very much, for he treated him as if he fancied +him completely blind already, cautioned him, guided him, and looked +anxious, if he did but walk across the garden alone; whilst Lionel, +who could see quite well enough for all ordinary purposes, was teased, +reminded of his troubles, and vexed above measure by having notice +attracted to his defect of sight. + +In the main, however, he owned that his father was kind, and sorry for +him, though each particular instance annoyed him; but it was much worse +with his mother, for her petting was more minute, more constant, and +such as would have been worrying to any boy in full health, even if it +had not, as in poor Lionel's case, been connected with the dark future, +and with a past, which had sadly soured him against her. He was always +rough and morose with her, rebelling against her care, never wakening +into affection, or showing pleasure in what she proposed, though she +continued to press on him her attention, with uunwearied assiduity. + +His sisters were treated much in the same manner; Clara made him cross +with over care, and Caroline, though showing better judgment, and much +real tact and affection, was also kept at a distance, and often harshly +answered. Marian too, was quite sufficiently like a sister to come +in for many an unreasonable fit of rudeness, and temper when it was +perfectly impossible to find any means of pleasing him. + +Indeed such unoccupied days as his were in themselves a trial of good +humour. Idleness was very pleasant in the holidays, but his was too +active a spirit to bear it for long together, especially when it left +room for such anticipations as those for which his hopes of a Bush life +were exchanged, Yet he treated offers of reading to him as insults, and +far less would he endure to learn any occupation that might serve him +when his sight should be quite gone; he professed to hate music, and +lounged about disconsolately in the house or garden. Now and then, if +he found the young ladies reading on their own account, he would be +beguiled into listening and being amused, and their ingenuity was often +exercised in appearing to be doing it naturally, and he sometimes took +part in conversation, and thus had his attention withdrawn from his +misfortune; but it was not often that his moodiness of manner could be +charmed away, unless strangers were present, when he thought it a point +of honour to seem at his ease and merry. + +After luncheon, he liked best to ride, but against this, Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell set their faces, persuaded that it must be very dangerous. This, +Lionel thought the height of unkindness; he could ride just as safely +as in the holidays; and it was too cruel to make him give up the one +pleasure he best liked, while he was still able to enjoy it, and though +not sufficiently familiar with them to attempt any remonstrance, he +became doubly discontented and sullen. He would not walk with the girls, +but wandered far away over the downs by himself, often not coming back +till very late, and till both his parents had been in some alarm. At +last, after about a week, Marian ventured to expostulate; she prevailed, +and he was allowed to resume his rides, under a restriction that it must +never be alone. Now, taking a servant with him was an avowal of his +misfortune which he never would endure; so Marian, who never in her life +was afraid of what any horse could do, became his companion, and rode +out with him a good deal, feeling him indeed a charge, but not nearly so +heavy a one as her cousins fancied. + +Still, though not afraid of accidents to him or to herself, these rides +were almost a subject of dread to Marian, daily as was their occurrence, +for it was then that poor Lionel made up for the reserve he exercised +with all the rest. If she could have done him any good, it would have +been a different thing, but surely, the world did not contain, as she +thought, a worse comforter than herself; for day after day, answer +as she would, came the same sad strain of regrets, and laments over +vanished plans, repelling every attempt at leading him to resignation, +and only varied by the different moods in which he would sometimes look +on his case as hopeless, and sometimes be angry with her for assuming +that it was so. Still worse were the complaints of his parents, in +which he would indulge after each fresh provocation, or rather, what he +thought so, though she never gave him the least encouragement to talk +in this manner, argued for them, and often blamed him; yet do what she +would, he never was convinced. The same battle on some other ground was +sure to recur, often the next day, and Marian, right as she knew she +was, never felt as if she had the victory; for five times out of six, it +was in a surly, impatient manner that he turned away from her, as they +dismounted. She often wondered whether she ought to let him go on thus, +whether it was right in her, if it did him harm, by confirming all his +unpleasant feelings, or whether it might not be worse for him to let +them rankle in his heart instead of pouring them out. It seemed too +unkind to silence him, when he fancied such talk a comfort, and she was +the only person in his confidence, yet what was right? what was good for +him? Her head ached with the self debate; she felt positively worn and +depressed, with the continued useless, harassing conversations; she knew +he was beyond her management, yet, with all her doubts, she was too +tender-hearted to vex him; she let him go on and only combated each +point, instead of refusing to listen. + +Why would not Walter come home, the only true comforter Lionel was +likely to find, whom he really respected and loved? Walter was by this +time ordained, yet he did not propose coming home; indeed Marian had +not even heard whether he had written, and she was inclined to think he +could not have been informed of the state of things at home. + +At length, when Lionel had been at home nearly a month, there came one +morning a letter directed to him. His mother and Clara both offered to +read it for him, but he gruffly refused, glanced it over, and put it in +his pocket. He loitered through the morning, and rode with Marian in the +afternoon. As they happened to meet with some entertaining subject of +conversation, the ride was more cheerful than usual, and she hoped she +had escaped the ordinary discussion; but when he helped her to dismount +under the portico, he said, "Don't go in just yet. Come and take a turn +in the plantations." + +Her heart sank at the task that was coming, but she would not disappoint +him, and gathering up her habit, she followed his quick steps. As soon +as they were out of sight of the house, he produced the letter, saying, +"Here, read me this." + +"O! I was in hopes that you could." + +"I thought I could at first, but it was only 'my dear Lionel,' that I +could read. It was all haze after that. There is a step In these three +weeks," he added in a voice meant to be manly and careless. "Come, let +us hear. 'Tis from Walter, is not it?" + +The letter had been written on first receiving intelligence of Lionel's +condition, which had been communicated by his father when he had to +write about something else. Marian, as she read, rejoiced in the letter, +it was so exactly what she wanted to have said, and yet never could +venture on, about regarding the affliction as a cross, and bending to +bear it patiently. She had often felt that here was the best relief, but +she had never dared to set it openly before Lionel, fearing that her +awkwardness, and his waywardness, might lead to his saying something +scornful, which would be worse than all. Here it was put before him in +just the right way, and one to which he must attend, and she watched +eagerly for some token of the way in which he took it. + +He made no remark, however, seeming to hear it as a matter of course +that Walter would say something of the kind. After asking if she was +certain she had read all, and pointing to a few crossed lines at the +head of the first page, to make sure that she had not missed them, he +only said, "Then there is not a word about coming. Well, I do think he +might come when he knows that after this time I shall never be able to +see him." + +"I don't suppose he thinks of that," said Marian--"I mean perhaps +he would not think of your caring for the mere _sight_ of him as a +pleasure." + +"He does not know then," said Lionel, "I am trying to learn all your +faces, and I don't think I shall forget them." + +"I am sure if he guessed you wished for him he would come that instant." + +"I am not going to ask him," said Lionel proudly. + +"What, I really think, is the reason of his stayin away," said Marian, +hesitating, "is about Mr. Faulkner. I think more especially now he is a +Clergyman, he will not have anything to do with him." + +"Ay, ay," said Lionel, "that is a reason good for something. I only +should like to do the same, except that if I was Walter I would have +done more long ago, instead of just keeping out of the way, and told +Caroline it was a regular shame, and she ought not to be taken in with +his fine speeches, and balls, and stuff." + +"I don't know--" said Marian. + +"What don't you know?" + +"How far even Walter would be authorised to interfere about what Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell approve." + +"Don't talk nonsense, Marian. If a thing is right, it is right, if it is +wrong, it's wrong, and all the world ought to try to prevent it. I know +I would, if anybody would mind me, for it makes me sick to see that man +come into the room, and the fuss mamma makes with him. I think he grows +worse. I declare I'd as soon see her marry Julian the Apostate! I am so +glad he is gone to those races. I should like to ask Caroline what sort +of happiness she expects with a man that talks of the Bible as if it was +no better than the Iliad! I only wish he would talk so to her, perhaps +that would shock her." + +"I don't think she is very happy," said Marian. + +"I am sure she ought not to be," was the answer. + +"The more talk there has been of fixing the day the more unhappy she has +looked," said Marian. "You know she has begged the Faulkners to let it +be put off a little longer, because she could not bear that it should be +while you are in this doubtful state." + +"I did not know it," said Lionel, "and much good does it do me! A nice +life I shall have with no one but Clara to speak to! And when is your +marriage, Marian? Mr. Arundel's, I mean, for that is as bad." + +"O that will not be till next summer," said Marian: "Mrs. Wortley wishes +Agnes to be twenty-one first, and Edmund has to build a house." + +And Marian was ready to forgive them for the delay when she saw how +glad it made Lionel look. Yes, rejoiced as she must be to escape from +Oakworthy, she could not go without a chequered feeling. If she was +adroit at managing people, she would make Clara take the place she held +now with Lionel, which would be good for both, but she was far too +clumsy to bring that about; and O! what a refuge Fern Torr would be +after all this harassing life! It would be better for Lionel not to have +her to divert his confidence from his own family, and at any rate she +should be there to help him through this sad autumn of uncertainty. Then +would come the peace, rest, and guidance she had longed for all her +life, in her own home, and that hope might well cheer her through life. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + "The brass, by long attrition tried, + Placed by the purer metal's side, + Displays at length a dingy hue, + That proves its former claim untrue; + So time's discerning hand hath art + To set the good and ill apart." + + +Lionel's affliction had certainly tended to lessen the gulf which the +engagement with Mr. Faulkner had made between Caroline and Marian. +Caroline was very anxious about her brother, and knowing that Marian had +his confidence, was continually coming to her for reports of his state +of mind and spirits, and with despairing questions as to what was likely +to please him,--questions which Marian was quite unqualified to answer, +and which were curious, since she had no tact, and Caroline had a great +deal. + +Thus it came to pass, that nightly sittings by each other's bed-room +fire were renewed, and long consultations took place, always at first +about Lionel, but sometimes branching to things in general, even as in +the olden time. Caroline was, however, very unlike what she had been a +year ago, when as Marian full well remembered, they had first talked of +Mr. Faulkner's visit. She was gayer in public, but her spirits were very +low when alone with Marian; and now and then the conversation flagged, +till she sat for full half an hour, her head on her hand, without a +word. At first she would try to excuse such a reverie, by calling +herself very tired; but as days went on, and it recurred, she smiled +as she woke from it, and told Marian "it was such repose to be with a +person who would let her be silent." + +There was much confidence in such silence. Marian began to grow even +more sorry for her than at first, because it was impossible to continue +to be angry; and tried in every way to show her kindness, becoming, +unconsciously, much more demonstrative in affection than ever she had +been before. On the day on which Lionel received the letter mentioned +at the end of the last chapter, Caroline came into Marian's room at +dressing-time; and after lingering about a little, she said, "Could +Lionel read that letter to day?" + +Marian shook her head sadly. + +"He brought it to you, then?" sighed Caroline, "Ah! I saw who it came +from." + +She looked wistfully at Marian, as if longing to hear something of the +letter, though she would not ask; and Marian, though much touched, was +determined against saying one word about it, however indifferent, as +she felt that, without Lionel's consent, she ought to be as mute as the +paper it was written upon. Caroline paused, then continued, "Do you +think he will ask you to write his answer for him?" + +"No, I think not. You know he wrote a note to Gerald in one of my +letters the other day. I dare say he will always be able to write; Mrs. +Wortley has a blind friend who does." + +Caroline did not answer, but gazed at the fire for almost ten minutes. +At last she said, "Poor Walter! I wonder what he is doing." + +"I am sure he must be making himself very useful," said Marian. + +"That is one thing we may be sure of," said Caroline, smiling +mournfully. "Walter is excellent wherever he is; but O, Marian," +continued she, in a voice of inexpressible sadness, "who would have told +me, a year ago, that all I should hear of Walter's ordination would be +in the newspaper?" + +Marian could make no answer but some sound expressive of sorrow. + +"He has only written to me once since--since June!" proceeded Caroline, +in the same utterly dejected tone. + +Then Walter had remonstrated, which was a great comfort to Marian, by +restoring him to his place in her estimation. Still she maintained her +expressive silence, and Caroline went on after another interval. "You +and he have been consistent from the first, Marian." + +At that moment Fanny came in, and no more could be said, for Marian +was obliged to dress for dinner in a hurry. She took an opportunity of +saying to Lionel that evening, something about the pleasure it would +give Caroline if he would tell her about his letter. + +"What! you have been telling her about it?" said he, in a tone of great +vexation; "that is always the way with women--no trusting them!" + +"No, indeed, Lionel, I said not one word; but she saw it was Walter's +writing." + +"And you went and told her I could not read it?" + +"If she asked me, what could I do but speak the truth?" said Marian +gently; but he only made an impatient exclamation. + +"I gave not the least hint of what it was about," added Marian, +pleadingly. "Of course I could not think of that, nor she either; but +she looked as if she did so long for some news of Walter: she has not +heard from him since the summer." + +"That is her own fault," said Lionel, in his surly voice. + +"That only makes it the worse for her. She is so much out of spirits, +Lionel; and if you would only tell her that part about his schools and +his lodging, I am sure she would be so much obliged to you." + +"I shan't do any such thing," was his reply; "I always keep my letters +to myself, and I wish you would not talk about me." + +He turned sharply away, and crossed the room; but his temper was not +improved by the consequences of his stumbling over a footstool which had +been left full in the way, and in rather a dark place, where it would +have been a trap for any one. He recovered in an instant without +falling; so that it would not have signified if Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell +had not both been startled. The former issued an edict that no +stumbling-block should be left in the way, and the latter entered upon +an investigation as to who had been the delinquent in the present case, +so as to make a great deal of discussion of the very worst kind for +Lionel. + +Thenceforth the evening was uncomfortable. Marian felt as if she +was guilty of all, and was extremely provoked with herself for that +blundering way of driving at her point, which made things worse when she +most wanted to set them right. She had not comforted Caroline, and +she had led poor Lionel to fancy his confidence betrayed, and himself +discussed and--as he would call it--gossiped about. No wonder he looked +as if she had been injuring him; yet, unjust as it was, she had only her +own mal-adroitness to blame. A person of tact would have smoothed it all +at once, instead of ruffling everything up. + +The tact Marian longed for is a natural talent; the consideration, the +delicacy of feeling, that she really had, were a part of her sterling +goodness, such as may be acquired by all; and her thorough truth, +trustiness, kindness, and above all her single-mindedness, had a value, +where she was really known, which weighed down, in the long run, all +that was involuntarily against her in manner, and won her not only +esteem, but such warm affection, such thorough reliance, as neither she +herself, nor those who felt it could fathom. Tact is an excellent thing, +but genuine love to our neighbour, seeking to show true kindness, +delicacy, and consideration,--striving in fact to do as it would be done +by,--is as much more precious, as a spiritual gift is than a natural +quality. + +That very night, as Marian was sitting in her own room in her +dressing-gown, pondering on these unfortunate blunders, there was a +knock at her door, and in came Caroline. Sitting down by the fire, she +held out a letter on two or three sheets of closely written notepaper. +"Read that, Marian," said she, turning her face straight, to the fire as +she gave it. + +It was from Walter, and the date showed that it had been written, +immediately on receiving the announcement of Caroline's engagement. +It was grave, earnest, and affectionate; not accusing Mr. Faulkner of +anything, not positively objecting to him, but reminding Caroline of the +solemnity of the duties she was about to undertake, and of the extreme +danger of allowing herself to be so attracted by agreeableness of +manner, or led on by the opinion of those around her, as to forget that +the connection she was about to form was to last for life, and that she +must be responsible for the influence her husband would exercise on her +life here, and therefore on her life hereafter. He said he was sure she +could not enter lightly on such an engagement, and therefore trusted +that her own mind was thoroughly convinced that she had chosen one +who would be a guide, an aid, and a support in the path that all were +treading. + +It was exactly Walter's way, as Marian well knew, to manage to say, in +his simple, and as he thought, guarded manner of representing things, +what to sharper people had very much the air of irony; and as she gave +back the letter, her observation, as the first that would occur, was, +"It is very like Walter." + +"Very," said Caroline. + +"Did you answer him?" + +"I wrote again, but--but"--her voice began to fail--"it was not an +answer. I would not seem to understand him. I wrote a lively, careless +sort of letter, and only said papa and mamma were delighted, or +something of that kind. And O, Marian, Marian, he has never written to +me again, and I have deserved it." She burst into tears. + +"But why don't you write now? He must be very anxious to hear of Lionel, +and there is no one to tell him." + +"I cannot," she replied; "I cannot, while--while he thinks of me as he +must--as he ought!" She wept bitterly, and Marian stood by perplexed and +distressed. "Dear Caroline," was the utmost that she could say. + +"Marian!" cried Caroline, looking up for a moment, then hiding her face +again--"I would give anything in the world that he had been at home last +summer; or that you had slept at High Down that night." + +A flash of hope and joy came across Marian. "If you think so," she +began, but Caroline cut her short. "I know what you mean, but that it? +impossible, quite Impossible--decidedly so," she added, as if these +assurances were to strengthen her own belief in its impossibility, and +not arguing, from a consciousness that her friend would overthrow every +one of her arguments. "I don't know what made me come to you, and tease +you," said she, rising and taking her letter; "good night." + +"Tease me! O, Caroline, Caroline, you know--" + +What she knew was lost in a most affectionate embrace; but Caroline +would not stay any longer, and left Marian as usual, regretting +everything that had passed. + +The nest night, however, Caroline came again, as if there was some +irresistible spell that drew her to Marian. It was Sunday, and Marian +had long since observed that on such days Caroline was always most out +of spirits. She sat down, and let a long time pass without talking; but +at last she said, "Marian, it is very kind in you to let me come and sit +here. You cannot--no--you will never know how wretched I am." + +"My dear, dear Caroline, if I could but do anything for you! but," she +proceeded, gathering resolution from her day's reflections, "you are the +only person who can do anything for yourself." + +"Impossible!" repeated Caroline. + +Marian was not exactly silenced, but involved in deep considerations +as to the propriety of interfering, and whether attempting to persuade +Caroline would be doing evil that good might come. Before she had made +up her mind,--as, indeed, how could she in five minutes come to a +conclusion to which hours of previous perplexity had failed to bring +her?--Caroline spoke again, "If it had but never begun! but now it has, +it must go on." + +"I don't know--" + +"It must, I tell you!" repeated Caroline. "If it had all to begin over +again, it would be very different. O, if it was but this time last +year!" + +"But Caroline, Caroline," repeated Marian, carried away by the thought +that rose to her lips, "only think; you say now if it was this time last +year--now, while you can escape. Shall not you say so all the more when +it is really too late,--when you will wish you had drawn back now?" + +"You have no right to say I should wish, that!" said Caroline, offended. +"You don't know what the love is that you are holding so cheaply." + +"I beg your pardon, Caroline," and Marian was thrown into herself again; +but she thought a little longer, and seeing that Caroline was still +waiting and musing, she ventured on saying, in a timid voice, "Somehow, +I think, it would seem to me that the more affection there was, the more +painful it would all be." + +"You are right there, Marian," exclaimed Caroline, in a voice of acute +feeling. + +It was a strange question that Marian next asked abruptly, on an impulse +sudden at the moment, though it was what she had long eagerly desired to +know. "Do you love him after all?" + +Caroline did not seem vexed by the inquiry, but went on speaking rather +as if she was examining herself as to the answer,--"Love him? I don't +know; sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think not. It is not as +people in books love, and--and it can't be as your Agnes must love Mr. +Arundel." + +A most emphatic "O no!" escaped from Marian, she hardly knew how, as if +it was profanation to compare Mr. Faulkner to Edmund; and perhaps the +strongest proof that Caroline's was not a real attachment, was that she +let it pass. "But then," pursued she warmly, "I am sure he is attached +to me--yes, very much--and--well, and I am glad to see him come into the +room; I like to walk with him. There is no one--no--no one in the whole +world whom I like so well. All my doubts and fears go away at the first +sound of his voice, and I am quite happy then. O, Marian, that surely is +love?" + +"I don't know," said Marian; "I can't fancy love that has not begun with +esteem, with looking up," + +"I do look up!" said Caroline, eagerly. "He is so clever, so sensible, +has such a mind." + +"I did not mean looking up intellectually," + +"Ah! you can live in that way," said Caroline, quickly; "your own people +are all of _that sort_. But you know I should never have had any one at +all to love, if I had begun looking for _that kind of thing_, even at +home." + +Too true, thought Marian, while she answered, "It is a different thing +where you have to begin afresh, and take it voluntarily upon you." + +"Voluntarily!" repeated Caroline; "I am sure my will had very little +to do with it. I found myself in the midst of it, without knowing how, +before I had made up my mind one way or the other. O, Marian! if you had +but been with me that morning." + +"Would that have prevented you?" + +"I do really believe it would. You would have looked as if you thought +it so impossible, that I should have been strengthened up to do +something they could not have taken for consent. I'll tell you all about +it, Marian, from the beginning, and you will see how little free will I +had in it, and how distracted I am now." + +Caroline went through the whole story, incoherently, and often only half +expressing her sentiments, and passing over what Marian knew already. +It seemed that she had been pleased with Mr. Faulkner's agreeableness, +flattered by his attention, and entered upon the same sort of +intercourse with him as with any other pleasant acquaintance. It would +never have been her way, brought up as she had been, to shrink from him +with such shuddering aversion as Marian did, simply from what she had +heard of his opinions. He was so agreeable, that it was just as well +quite to forget that, or only half to believe it. Then came the growing +perceptions of his intentions towards her, and of her mother's triumph +in them. But this was not till the archery arrangements were so far +advanced, that she could not have drawn back from them; and she was, +besides, in a whirl of gaiety and excitement that left little time for +serious thought: that she put off till his offer should be made, if it +was really coming. It came, and when she did not expect it. She knew +not what to do she was too confused for consideration. The next day was +bewilderment, and in the evening she found herself engaged. The new +sensation given her by her lover's affection, her genuine admiration of +his personal superiority, and wonder at herself for having attracted +such a man,--her gratitude to his family for their kindness, the triumph +of her parents,--all formed such a mixture of pleasurable, almost +intoxicating feelings, as at first to giddy her, (or, as the French will +express it, _l'etourdir_,) as to what she had done, and what she +was about to do. Marian's grave, still face, and omission of one +congratulatory, even of one sympathetic word, were indeed witnesses; but +the impression of her unaccommodating ways was then recent, and +Caroline thought of her as one who showed goodness to be unpleasing and +impracticable, and looked on her silent disapproval as part of that +system of severity in which, she was consistent, but which her conduct +only proved to be absurd and unreasonable. + +In the same spirit Caroline disregarded Walter's letter,--only a letter, +which could therefore be laid aside, and which, in truth, did not say +all he meant as forcibly or as well as it might have been said, since, +as every one knew, Walter was more good than clever. A tenderness of +feeling, reminding her that Walter loved her, would not let her destroy +the letter, or be offended; but she intrenched herself in her parents' +satisfaction, and being resolved not to attend to it, she would not seem +to understand it. So time passed; at first she was really not exactly +happy, but possessing what passed very well for happiness with herself +and every one else; then came a time when an effort became necessary to +persuade herself that she was so. It was not that Mr. Faulkner showed +his character more openly, or startled her with any such plain +expressions as had so much shocked Lionel; for he held that most subtle +and perilous of all views partaking of unbelief,--that Christianity was +the best and most beautiful form of religion yet promulgated, that it +was all very well now for women and weak-minded people, and it was a +step to some wonderful perfectibility, which was a sort of worship of an +essence of beauty and intellect. + +He did not say such things to her, but they were the principles on which +all his sentiments were founded: and as she knew him mire and more +intimately, compared and discussed their tastes and likings, and the +grounds on which they were formed, there were tokens, which could not +help now and then showing themselves, of those opinions of which Marian +had warned her. + +Very slow was she to admit the conviction, for she was growing much +attached to him; and whenever he praised the beauty, the poetry, the +morality, the majesty of anything belonging to religion, she caught at +it and silenced all her doubts with it,--hoped she had silenced them for +ever,--but the perception would return that it was only the beauty that +he praised, because it was beauty, and struck him as such. Shade upon +shade, imperceptible in itself, but each tint adding to its depth, +the cloud of misgiving darkened, and though she tried to fight it +off,--though she told herself it was too late,--though she was very +angry with herself for it, there it still hung; and the ever-present +consciousness of Marian's disapproval heightened it, till in impatient +moods she began to dislike Marian, and wish her out of the house, + +Then came the news of Edmund Arundel's engagement, rousing Marian into +such a glow of warm-hearted delight, as to waken Caroline to a complete +sense of her power of affection, as well as of the contrast of the +manner in which she regarded the prospects of her two friends. Caroline +grew more unhappy, and strove both against her own growing wretchedness, +and an almost magnetic attraction, which drew her to impart it all to +Marian, in spite of the chill with which it would be first met, and of +the advice which could never be taken; whilst a yearning, longing desire +for the long-suspended intercourse with Walter, and a sense of his +displeasure, formed no slight portion of her miserable feelings. The +arrangements for her marriage she looked on as part of her destiny,--at +any rate, they occupied her mind; and there would be an end, after that, +of these dreadful and vain doubts. + +In the midst of all this, poor Lionel's threatened misfortune gave +Caroline, as it were, a glimpse down a long dark road, where nothing had +ever yet caused her to look; yet who could say whether it might not +be her's to tread it? Affliction, sickness, sorrow, death, certain at +last,--there was but one stay in them; and what if she should lose +it,--if she was losing it already? I She thought of bearing them with +_him_,--of the hollowness, the fallacy, the utter misery of trying to be +sustained by aught that had not its foundations firmly fixed beyond the +grave,--of not looking as sorrow as fatherly chastisement. (Caroline +hardly yet entered into its still higher claim,) or at death as the gate +of life. And O! if she loved him as her husband, what would it be to see +him die, thinking, or even having thought, as he too surely did? All the +train of fallacies about sincerity rather than forms of faith,--all the +hopes that he might yet be brought to see the truth, and that she might +be the means, were only soporifics for a moment, which failed to still +the ever growing agony. She knew there was nothing in them, and that +they were only extenuations; but still, amid all her unhappiness, there +was a resolution to persevere, a want of moral courage which determined +her to go on, and enter on such a life as this, rather than go through +all that would ensue on an attempt to break off the match. Thus, though +her reluctance was increasing, and she now sought to put off the +decisive day, instead of precipitating it, as at first, all she +attempted was to have the wedding deferred in consequence of her +brother's condition; and though, logically taken, there was no great +reason in the request, every one agreed it was a very amiable feeling, +and so her desire was complied with. She would have avoided Marian more +than ever, but this could hardly be, now that her cousin was in fuller +sympathy, with all the family than she had ever been before; and little +as was her immediate power with Lionel, Caroline would have given worlds +even for that. Thus, as has been shown, the old sympathy grew up again; +the root, blighted months ago, shot out once more, and at last accident +and impulse led Caroline to do what she had little expected ever to have +done,--to pour out all her griefs, cares, and doubts to Marian, knowing +all the time what she would say, and resolved against her advice, yet +irresistibly impelled to go on, as if talking would relieve her of her +burthen, and resting on the solid, firm truth of that deep love, which +manifested itself by few tokens indeed, but those were of extreme worth. + +The confession was a perplexity and a sorrow to Marian while it was +being made, though she was very glad it had been done; and how intense +were the affection and compassion for Caroline that filled her heart is +beyond all power of narration. She answered with earnest sympathy, at +each step helped out the broken words, and showed her comprehension of +the pauses. She was a perfect listener in all but one respect; she +would not give the counsel Caroline wanted; and she would not have been +Marian, she would not have had her own reality and bracing severity, if +she had. She could not cheer Caroline up, bid her banish fear, and look +forward to happiness; she could not even tell her there was no help for +it: she only said, "I don't know," and sat considering whenever Caroline +reiterated that it was impossible, and too late. + +Some power those "I don't knows" had beyond eloquence; for when Caroline +had seven times fully proved how entirely out of the question any +attempt to escape from her destiny would be, she ended by asking, in +quite a different tone, "What would you have me do?" + +The reply was, of course, "I don't know;" but this was immediately +followed by a repetition of the former counsel, "Write to Walter." + +Caroline could not--would not; it would be of no use: poor Walter should +not be tormented. If, in his strict sense of right, he chose to come and +try, as he would think, to save her, there would be nothing but uproar +and confusion in the family; and to think of him, with his timidity, +bringing his father's anger on himself for her sake, seemed to her +at the moment beyond all things dreadful. No, no, no, it was utterly +impossible; and therewith the fire being out, and the clock striking +two, Caroline thanked Marian for her kindness, said it was all of no +use, kissed her, and bade her good night. + +Marian thought no good was done, and only made herself very unhappy at +seeing her led, by weakness, to sacrifice herself against her better +judgment. The next night, Caroline came again, and the conversation was +resumed, or rather gone over again, with no more satisfactory result +than before; and so it was the next, and the next. To be comforter and +adviser sounds like a delightful privilege, and so, thought Marian, it +would be, if one could only do it; but to have all the opportunity,--to +have people coming for comfort, and not in the least be able to afford +it, neither to relieve them, nor to be sure that she had not done them +harm was to the highest degree painful and unsatisfactory. And from +Lionel's repinings to Caroline's doubts, she went, suffering for each, +equally unable to console either, and wondering which was the saddest +case. Lionel's was, she thought, far the best, if he would but perceive +it; but then Caroline's might yet be remedied, if she had but strength +for one struggle. All that Marian could do without mistrust, was to pray +for them both, and to pray that she might not be the means of doing them +harm. + +She saw how wrong it would be in her, personally to interfere between +Caroline and her parents' wishes; and it was this that made her adhere +to that one piece of advice, that Walter should be written to, since on +his judgment and sense of right there was the most absolute reliance; +and, both as brother and Clergyman, he was by far the most proper person +for Caroline to consult, or to act for her. + +For three days, however, it was all in vain, Caroline would not write; +and she began to despair, and to grow angry with the feebleness that +would not take one step in the right direction. On the fourth, Caroline, +who the night before had seemed as averse as ever, showed her, as she +crossed the hall on the way to luncheon, a letter directed to +the Reverend Walter Lyddell. Her heart leapt, but as she smiled +satisfaction, she saw Caroline's face so wan, dejected, and miserable, +that she could not make herself too happy. There were other doubts, now +that this point was gained, as to how Walter might be able to manage +Caroline,--whether he would lead her to the right, or unconsciously turn +her to the wrong, by his want of skilfulness; what might be his idea of +her duty to her parents, or to her promise; whether he might think +it right to take upon himself to advise, or whether either he or his +sister, when it came to the point, would have nerve enough to excite +their father's displeasure. + +The only thing Marian thought at all favourable, was that Elliot and Mr. +Faulkner were both at Newmarket, and there was no present appearance of +their coming home. Elliot was likely to make more opposition than any +one else, and Mr. Faulkner's influence was of course to be dreaded. +Indeed, had he been at hand, believing, as Caroline did, in his +affection for her, it was most probable that she would never have spoken +of her misgivings at all, and very possibly have hardly acknowledged +them to herself. + +Caroline's letter had been written on Thursday. It was Monday, and no +answer had come, which caused her to look more worn and dispirited than +before, unable even to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness which she +had hitherto assumed when with the rest of the family. It was a cold, +gloomy, wintry day, with gusts of sleety rain, and no one chose to +attempt going out, except Marian and Lionel, the former of whom was +a systematic despiser of weather, and never was hurt by anything but +staying in-doors, while the latter would rather have done anything than +idle away a whole afternoon as well as a morning in the drawing-room. +Even they thought it too bad for riding; so after making the circuit of +the park, they went into the town, where Lionel wanted to buy a silk +handkerchief. He had been told the day before that his neck-tie was +growing unfit to be seen, he did not choose to ask any one to get one +for him, and it was against his will that he was obliged to take Marian +to secure him from buying "any thing awful," as he expressed it. + +The purchase prospered very well, Lionel hoped that the shopman had not +found out how entirely he trusted to his companion for the choice, and +was proud that his old precaution of substituting a key for a slider at +the gold end of his purse, had saved him from making any mistakes about +the money. They were walking away, arm in arm; it was not yet necessary +to guide him, but Marian thought, beginning now would soften the first +commencement of dependence. And, indeed, even in the holidays Lionel, in +his first tail-coat, had been well-pleased to find himself man enough to +have his arm taken by a young lady. + +A carriage was passing. "There is Walter!" joyfully exclaimed Marian, as +she saw the well-known spectacled face peering from the window of one of +the carriages from the Great Western Station. + +"Walter! what, come at last?" cried Lionel, looking up and frowning in +that painful way that had become habitual to him when he strained his +eyes to see distinctly. Walter had at the same moment spied them, +stopped, thrown the door open, sprung out, and was shaking hands with +them, but scarcely speaking. He turned again to order the driver to go +on and set his things down at the house, and then joined his brother and +cousin, looting very anxiously at Lionel, whose arm Marian had quitted, +and still keeping silence. Marian on her side was very glad; but at the +same time almost overcome by the thought of what this return home must +be to Walter, and feeling a strange, solemn sensation at first meeting +her cousin and companion, after he had become in an especial manner +the servant of the Most High. He was Walter still, Walter with his +near-sighted eyes, and nervous manner, yet he was so much more, and his +clerical dress would not let her forget it for a moment. + +Lionel was the most unembarrassed of the three, he was very glad to +meet his brother, and wishing to show that he could bear his troubles +manfully, he spoke joyously, "So you have thought better of it and come +at last, Walter; I hope it is for a good long time." + +"Only till Saturday," was Walter's answer. + +"Well, that is something, only I can't think why you did not come +before." + +Walter murmured something about having been much occupied, and then +seemed to be watching Lionel too intently to say any more. Marian +thought the brothers would get on much better without her, and, coming +to a cottage, said she wanted to speak to somebody in it. "O Marian, we +will wait for you," said Walter, with a pleading look, and she saw from +his agitated, fidgeting manner, that he was excessively nervous at the +notion of being left to take care of Lionel back to the house. + +"Very well," she said, "I will not be a moment;" and delivering her +message, which had been only devised as an excuse, she walked on with +them, in a sort of despair as to Walter's being of any use. "If he is +afraid to walk home with Lionel," thought she, "what will it be about +stirring up his father? Why cannot people have a little courage?" She +consoled herself by remembering that Walter could not know the degree of +Lionel's blindness, and probably thought it worse than it yet was; but +even if it had been total, she could not see that he need have been +afraid of guiding him in the street and through the park. If it was the +additional nervousness, of disliking to begin on so painful a subject, +that she thought worse than all. Marian being by no means troubled with +nerves herself, had little toleration for women who had them; and none +at all for men. She thought the case lost, and half repented of her +advice to write to Walter, yet she did not know what else she could +possibly have said. Lionel talked on, told who was at home, and what +every one was about, and when Johnny had last been heard of, all in a +bright, lively tone, not exactly assumed, for he was much cheered by +his brother's arrival, and yet partly from the wonted desire of showing +himself happy. Walter did not make much reply, but when Lionel after +saying Elliot was at Newmarket, added, "And Mr. Faulkner is there too, +so you won't have the pleasure of an introduction," he started, and +Marian saw the trembling of his lips. + +Thus they reached the house, and Lionel dashed forward In his own +headlong way before them, to announce Walter's coming. Then Walter +looked at Marian, saying, "Then it is not so bad yet?" + +"O no, it is only that he cannot see anything distinctly; he cannot bear +not to be independent." + +They were entering the hall by this time, and his mother and sisters had +come out to meet Walter, Caroline very white and trembling, and holding +by the back of a chair instead of coming forward; Mrs. Lyddell kissed +him, and seemed more affectionate than usual, for it had been a great +pleasure to her to see Lionel rush in with that animated face, and a +shout such as he used to get into disgrace for. + +Nothing came to pass that evening, there were no private conferences, +and there was nothing remarkable, excepting that Lionel was quite merry +and talkative, and Caroline more silent than ever, seeming hardly to +attend even when Walter was sitting between her and Clara, talking to +Marian and Lionel about the beautiful arrangements of Church and school +in his new curacy. At night she was in such a terrible agitation, +walking up and down the rooms so restless and wretched that Marian, +seriously afraid she would be quite ill the next day, persuaded her with +great difficulty, to go to bed, and did not leave her till very late at +night, when she had read her to sleep. + +It was a, great relief to find her pretty well in the morning, at least +with nothing worse than a headache. She and Walter both disappeared +after breakfast, and did not come down till luncheon time, when she +looked so ill that Mrs. Lyddell was alarmed and insisted on her lying +down and keeping quiet. Then Mrs. Lyddell said that Walter ought to go +and call on Lady Julia Faulkner, and offered to take him there. Marian +looked at him by stealth, and could have gasped for breath, for by what +he did now, she thought she could see what line he would take. + +"Thank you," he said, or rather hesitated, "but don't let me interrupt +your plans. I thought I heard something about--about. Salisbury. I have +something to do there." + +"The girls did talk of wanting to go," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Did not you, +Marian or Clara, which was it?" + +"My watch wants to have something done to it," put in Lionel, whose +father had given him a repeater, which of course began its career by +doing anything but going properly. + +"Well, perhaps it will he as well to go to Salisbury to-day, as Caroline +has this headache. She never likes going there, and she may be able to +go with us to High Down to-morrow." + +So it was settled, and they left the luncheon table. Marian happened to +be the last lady, and whether it was fancy or not she was not sure, but +she thought she heard on Walter's lips, a self-reproachful whisper of +"Coward." + +The expedition to Salisbury, in which Marian was obliged to take part, +prevented her from seeing anything of Caroline till the evening, and +then as soon as Clara was out of the way Caroline rose up, caught hold +of her hand, and exclaimed, "O, Marian, what have you made me do?" then +walked about in a paroxysm of distress, almost terrible to witness. + +"Caroline, dearest, O don't!" cried Marian quite frightened; "do try to +be calm! O what is it?" + +"O it will all be misery!" said Caroline, sitting down and clasping her +hands over her face, "I little knew what it would be when you made me +write to Walter. He says it would be wickedness--yes, those were his +words--he called it wickedness in me to go on with it, as I feel now!" + +"And you mean to--" + +"I cannot tell--I don't know--he must do as he pleases; O it will make +me wild! He must do as he pleases, for I must be wretched either way," + +"Dear Caroline--but O! how much better to be unhappy for the sake of +doing right than when--" + +"Yes, yes--so he said--but O! the horror. It kills me even to think of +what it will be! O, Marian, Marian--" + +"It will be over in time," said Marian; "but O! I am glad you have made +up your mind--" + +"No, I have not--at least I must, I suppose--for after what Walter said +I can't go on. Walter's words would be a dagger--O! I don't know what +they would be, all the rest of my life if I did. No--you and Walter must +have your own way; I am too wretched already to care what becomes of +inc. But he--O Marian, I never can--" + +"If it is right you can," said Marian. + +"You can, but you don't know what you say to me," said Caroline. "Right +has never been to me what it is to you." + +"Yes, indeed it has, dear Caroline, or you would not be making this +struggle now. Indeed there must be strength in you, or you would have +gone on without faltering." + +"Walter said he should never have spoken one word after that first +letter, if I had not begun," said Caroline; "but when he saw my mind +misgave me, and I wanted help, he thought it his duty to come and set +it all before me. O, Marian, he said dreadful things; I did not think +Walter could have been so cruel. O, such things! He made me look at the +Marriage Service, and say how I could answer those things; and he talked +about death and the Last Day. He said it would be a presumptuous sin, +and a profaning of the holy ordinance for me to come to it, knowing and +thinking and feeling as I do. O what things he said! and yet he was very +kind to me." + +"Well, and--" + +"I left it all to him. I knew it would be misery, and I did not care in +what way; but then, Marian, O! worse than all, he said it must be my own +doing." + +"I suppose it must." + +"He said he would help me; but I was the only person who had a right to +do anything! O, Marian, Marian, I wish I could die." + +"It will be over in time!" repeated Marian. + +"Yes, but it will not be over. Mamma, papa, O I shall be reproached with +it for ever; I shall know I have made _him_ unhappy. O would that I +could begin all over again!" + +"You will have comfort at last in having been strong. The greater the +effort the nobler it is! O, Caroline, do only hold out nobly. It is so +glorious to have something to suffer for the sake of doing right!" + +"Glorious!" murmured Caroline, her desponding gaze raised to contemplate +the grand head, fine brow, firm lips, and dark glancing eye, turned up +for a moment in the enthusiastic spirit of self-devotion. That look, +unknowing as was Marian that she wore it, penetrated into Caroline's +soul, and warmed her too with the temper of martyrdom. "Glorious;" she +repeated a second time, and the tone was not so broken and hopeless as +before. + +"To be sure it is!" said Marian, going on with her own thoughts, "and it +is so seldom people can ever partake of it, in ever so slight a degree, +in these days; I always think it so beautiful where the account is given +of the Apostles' great joy when they found a persecution was really +going to begin." + +"Persecution--yes, real persecution." + +"And every suffering for the sake of the truth, for conscience' sake, +must partake a little of that, I suppose," said Marian reverently. + +There they were interrupted by Clara, who came to call Marian down +stairs. Caroline came too, which the others had not expected. She was +more calm and composed, and her headache was supposed by her mother to +account for her want of spirits. She went to bed early, begging Marian +to come and visit her when she came up. Marian contrived to do so as +soon as possible, and found her already in bed, quiet and comfortable. +"Marian," she said, "I have made up my mind. Now read to me, if you +please." + +She was worn out with agitation and sleeplessness, and soothed with +having come to a determination, she soon fell asleep, and Marian went +to her own room, wondering over the part Walter had acted, and what he +might be going to do next, whether he had led or driven his sister, and +how far the courage of principle would avail to subdue natural timidity. + +Caroline was pretty well the next morning, but the time was broken up in +various ways, so that it was not till the afternoon that she could see +Walter again in private. Lionel was considerably disconcerted when he +found himself left to Marian. He had no notion of what was going on, had +believed Walter's return to be entirely on his account, and was much +disappointed at not having more of his company; for though both had been +of the party to Salisbury, one had been outside the carriage and the +other inside, so that they had not seen much of each other, and this +morning had been interrupted. He was so much vexed and inclined to be +hurt, by what he felt as a slight on his brother's part, that Marian +could not resist telling him what she knew would console him. "I don't +think you will mind it, Lionel, when you know why it is that Caroline +wants him." + +"Ha?" said Lionel, "you don't mean that she has thought better of it, +and is going to send Julian the Apostate to the right about. Eh? You +don't say so. Well, then there is some good in Caroline after all! But +then what should she want of Walter?" + +"To help her, to advise her." + +"Well, if she likes, but I can't see what advice she wants. She has only +got to make him a curtsey and say, 'Very much obliged to you, sir, but I +had rather be excused.'" + +Marian could not help laughing, in spite of her deep feeling on the +matter, and Lionel, who had acted the voice and the curtsey, laughed +too, and then perhaps ashamed of making fun of such an affair, added, +"It is the best news I have heard this long time. What, and that is what +she has been so dismal about these last few days, is it?" + +"Yes, she has been very unhappy indeed. It is a terrible struggle." + +"What? she likes him, does she? Poor Cary! After all I am glad she is +coming right again, she is very good natured, and a great deal too good +for Ju--. Ah! you won't have him called so, I know. They have taken a +good time for it now he is away and Elliot too, but what a tremendous +row there will be about it. Mamma thought it was such a speculation for +Caroline." + +"Yes, I am afraid she will have a great deal to go through." + +"Yes," said Lionel, pondering gravely for some minutes; then asking +"What is going to be done?" + +"I don't know in the least; I believe she is settling with Walter +to-day." + +"Then nobody knows about it yet?" + +There was no more to do but to have the satisfaction of talking over the +engagement together, an occupation which put Lionel into particularly +good spirits, and made their walk very pleasant. In the next glimpse +which Marian had of Caroline, she learnt that Walter had undertaken to +speak to his father that very evening. Caroline looked ghastly white as +she said so in a whisper, but her dreadful agitation seemed to have +left her; she had evidently quite made up her mind, though she said she +believed it would never have been done if it had rested with her to +begin by telling either of her parents. Both she and Marian knew that +nothing but a spirit of moral heroism could have braced Walter to bear +the first brunt of his father's wrath, and she was very much shocked at +her own weakness in suffering it, but still it was much in her to allow +it to be done. + +That the conversation had taken place at night, when all the rest had +retired, was evident to Marian when they met the nest morning from the +very dark, severe loots of Mr Lyddell, from his wife's impatient angry +manner, and sharper, louder voice. Walter was almost absolutely silent, +Caroline went through the forms of breakfast as if she was in a dream, +Lionel frowned, fidgeted, and tried with all his might, poor boy, to +scan the faces which were daily growing more obscure to his vision; even +Clara saw something was wrong, and glanced from one to the other in a +puzzled, alarmed manner When they left the dining-room, Marian heard +Mrs. Lyddell say, "Caroline, I want you." She flew up to her own room, +and hiding her face, as she knelt down, she entreated earnestly that her +poor Caroline might have steadfastness to go through this fearful trial. +She was interrupted by Clara, begging to know what was the matter, if +anything was wrong about Mr. Faulkner; she thought Lionel knew, but when +she him be would do nothing but crow like a cock. Marian would have been +glad if she could have made any equally convenient demonstration instead +of an answer, but she could only say that she had heard nothing of Mr. +Faulkner, and could not tell Clara anything about the matter. + +"Do you know anything?" said Clara. + +"I do know." + +"Ah! you are in all Caroline's secrets now, and that is very odd; you +who used to hate the Faulkners. Well, but are not you coming down?" + +In spite of his cock-crowings, Lionel was very anxious, and when in the +course of that long desultory forlorn morning he was left alone with +Marian, he earnestly asked her what she knew. "Nothing" was her answer. + +"O if Caroline will but hold out!" he exclaimed, "that will be what I +call being good for something! I hope mamma won't be desperately angry, +for that I could stand less than anything, it goes on so much longer +with her than with papa." + +"She will be very much disappointed. O how I wish I knew what is +happening!" + +It was a long time before any intelligence could be gained: Mrs. Lyddell +was very much flushed, and looked extremely displeased when she came +down, hardly speaking to any one but Lionel, and glancing most sternly +at Marian, Caroline did not come down at all, and when Marian was going +up stairs after luncheon, Mrs. Lyddell said with extreme coldness, "Do +not go to Caroline, if you please, I wish her to be left quiet." + +Marian was in great consternation, since it was evident that Mrs. +Lyddell perceived how her influence had been exerted, and was very much +offended, indeed it was no wonder that she should be. Nothing but "very +well" could be said so she quietly prepared to go out. Lionel had his +brother this afternoon and did not want her, so she had only Clara for +her companion full of surmises and of excitement. When she came in and +was on her way to her room, Caroline opened her door. "Marian! O will +you not come to me?" cried she imploringly. + +Marian could not but comply, indeed she had no hesitation, for she +thought Mrs. Lyddell's injunction only applied to the time before she +went out. + +"O, cheer me up, comfort me, Marian!" said Caroline, drawing her +cousin's arm round her waist, "I do want it so much!" + +"You are going on bravely then!" said Marian, caressing her. + +"Bravely!" sighed Caroline; "No, indeed, but I have held firmly so far! +I could not but stand by poor Walter, you know, when he confronted it +all for me! I could not say much--I could only cry--but I took care they +should not think I consented again." + +"And is Mrs. Lyddell very much displeased?" + +"O, don't speak of it, Marian. I cannot bear it." + +The door opened and Mrs. Lyddell entered, and the air of indignant +surprise on seeing Marian called for an answer: "I beg your pardon, I +thought you only meant me not to go to Caroline just after luncheon," +said Marian. + +"I wish matters, such as we have been discussing, to be confined +entirely to our own family," replied Mrs. Lyddell, too angry not to say +something, yet too much afraid of Marian not to say it very courteously. + +"Mamma!" said Caroline eagerly, "only hear me. I assure you that not one +word did Marian ever say to me till I voluntarily went to her a week +ago, because I was so very miserable I could bear it no longer." + +"I should have thought your mother the proper person to go to in such a +case. Miss Arundel's sentiments had so long been visible, that you could +have no doubt of the advice you would receive from her." + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said Marian, collecting herself, and speaking slowly, +"I am very sorry I have appeared to act a part which I know must seem +unjustifiable. I never spoke to--to Caroline" (the remembrance of Lionel +prevented her from saying to any one) "of my opinion of this engagement, +after it was formed, till she came to me for advice, in her distress. I +could not speak against my conscience, and I tried not to forget what +was due to you. I only begged her to write to her brother as the fittest +person to help her, as being a clergyman. I beg your pardon for having +acted against your wishes." So saying, Marian went out, surprised and +alarmed at finding herself in open opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +bewildered as to how she ought to have acted. Her comfort was in looking +forward to the refuge at Fern Torr, and she smiled as she compared Mrs. +Lyddell with her other guardian's future wife. + +Mrs. Lyddell wished her at Fern Torr fully as much as she did. She had +already become jealous of Lionel's preference, and it was too galling to +find the affection of her children stolen from her by that cold, pale, +proud, unprepossessing girl. Had the love been on the part of Elliot or +Walter, Mrs. Lyddell would hardly have regretted it, considering Miss +Arundel's large fortune and high connexions; but nothing was less +probable than this, and Marian's influence over Caroline was at present, +in Mrs. Lyddell's eyes, only a source of mischief. + +Lionel was alone in the drawing-room, and met Marian eagerly inquiring +"What news?" + +"I have hardly seen her. Has Walter told you nothing?" + +"No; he thinks I don't know, and I was not going to let on that you told +me. Is she steady?" + +"Yes, so far." + +"That is right," said Lionel, thoughtfully, "I am very sorry for her, +but I shall think the better of her ever after." + +"Have you been out with Walter?" + +"Yes, we have had a very nice talk." + +Here Walter came down, and began to talk to Marian about schools and +lending libraries. + +It was a strange state of things, with all those different pairs of +confidential friends. Both Marian and Walter were the stay and support +of Caroline and Lionel; yet, though acting in concert, and perfectly +agreed, not saying a word in confidence to each other on either head. +Neither did Walter speak of Caroline to Lionel, nor Lionel, though much +interested for her, speak to her of his affairs or her own. Clara indeed +bestowed her communications on every one, but she got nothing in return +that was satisfactory. Marian was the central point with all except +Walter, but the fulness of her heart was bestowed elsewhere. And, alas! +none saw so little of those young hearts as the parents, who had never +earned their confidence; so that when they turn to them, it was from +duty, as to rulers, not as to counsellors and friends. + +Very sore was Marian's heart that night, when she felt it her duty to +bid Caroline good night in Mrs. Lyddell's hearing, in spite of the +piteous, imploring glance turned upon her. Might not her support make +all the difference now? she thought. No; shame on her for thinking that +she could do more good than He to whose hands Caroline was trusted! +Folly, to dream that her awkward, blundering words could be more help +than the prayers she could pour out alone! + +Yet all these consolations could not prevent poor Marian from being very +miserable, under the dread that Caroline thought her unkind, and felt +herself deserted, after being involved in all this suffering. And O, +should she fail! Walter must go on Saturday, and then she would be left +to fight her battle alone. + +On the Friday the whole house knew what was going on. Mr. Lyddell +himself had a conversation with Caroline, but nothing of it transpired. +It only was evident that she still continued in the same mind, and she +looked more wretched than ever. Marian was anxious to show her affection +and sympathy in her manner, but her anxiety only made her cold, and dry, +and awkward. Clara was excited and puzzled, Walter was hardly spoken to +by father or mother; and when at breakfast on Saturday he spoke of his +departure, the silence that he encountered seemed to express that he had +much better not have come home at all. + +Marian felt fierce with indignation, and Lionel, perhaps by way of +effusion of the same feeling, dashed his chair away from the table, and +called out, "Mind you come back again as soon as ever you can." + +But the dead silence that followed was more painful and marked than it +had been before. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + "The flowers do fade, and wanton fields, + To wayward winter reckoning yields, + A honey tongue, a heart of gall + Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall." + + SIR W. RALEIGH. + + +The Sunday after Walter's departure was a very uncomfortable and +melancholy day. It was very sad to see poor Caroline looking wan and +suffering, and turning now and then a wistful appealing glance at +Marian, as if intreating for the help which must not be afforded to +her; and then at each meeting and parting, Marian was dissatisfied with +herself for having been rendered stiff and dry instead of tender and +consoling, by the very wish to be affectionate, which prevented her from +being at ease. She heard from Clara that Caroline's great desire was to +be allowed to write to Mr. Faulkner on the subject before she saw him +again, whilst he was still in London, and that it was this which her +parents so strongly opposed, convinced that a meeting with him would +renew all her feelings of attachment. Marian dreaded the same, for she +could not think Caroline's resolution sufficient to hold out in sight of +his affection, and of his prepossessing qualities, and at the same time, +every day that the engagement continued made it more difficult to break +it off. + +One comfort was, however, that Lionel's anxiety and interest in +Caroline's affairs, were drawing his attention from his own trouble, and +he was much less irritable and unhappy than before. Perhaps this might +have been in part owing to his conversations with Walter, who could +venture on giving him more lessons on the right principle of endurance +than Marian had ever dared to put before him. She was more pleased than +she had been for a long time, when as they were walking together in the +plantations, after evening service, he said with some abruptness and +yet with some hesitation, "Marian, didn't you once read something with +Gerald in the morning?" + +"Yes," said Marian, sure of what the something meant. + +"Do you do it still by yourself?" + +"Yes." + +"Then I wish----. Would you mind reading to me?" + +"The Psalms and Lessons? O, Lionel, I should be so glad I Only could you +get up in time? for I don't know when to do it except before breakfast." + +"To be sure I could get up in time. I only lie in bed because there is +nothing to do, and nobody to speak to." + +"Well then, will you meet me in the schoolroom at eight o'clock in the +morning?" + +"Very well." + +No more was said, but Lionel kept his appointment. It was, as Marian +guessed a recommendation of his brother's. Walter had asked him to get +one of his sisters to read to him, and Lionel had made the request to +Marian, as his real sister, though he had never told Walter whether he +meant to take his advice. + +The next Sunday, Marian, on coming down after dressing for dinner, was +surprised to find Elliot standing by the fire. He just inclined his +bead, and moved his lips by way of greeting. + +"When did you come home?" said she drily. + +"Half-an-hour ago." + +The answer was brief and with no encouragement to say more. She thought +he looked dark and moody, and, taking up a book, was silent. The next +time the door opened, it was Lionel who entered. He frowned and gazed +up, perceiving the figure but not able to make it out. "Ha, Lionel! How +d'ye do?" said Elliot in a short, gruff, indifferent voice; without +moving or attempting to shake hands, without any token that he thought +of Lionel's misfortune. + +Lionel's equally indifferent tone, "How d'ye do?" was sign enough to +Marian that he was hurt. He came and sat by her, talked fast and low, +and laughed several times in the constrained manner he used to put on by +way of bravado; Elliot all the time taking no notice. The others soon +made their appearance. Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell had seen him before, and to +his sisters his greeting was much in the same style, hardly vouchsafing +any recognition of Caroline at all. + +The cloud was thicker and darker than ever all dinner time. Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell tried in vain to talk, he answered them in a short snappish way +which he was apt to assume whenever his father made any attempt to check +his extravagance. + +The ladies and Lionel were glad to get into the drawing-room, and leave +him and his father to themselves. Tea came and they did not appear, ten +o'clock struck, half-past, and they came not. The ladies were putting +away their books, and thinking of wishing good night when suddenly the +door was thrown open, and in tramped Mr. Lyddell, red with passion, +while behind him came Elliot, with less of violence, but with a dark +scowl of resentment on his downcast and always unpleasant face. + +"Caroline!" began Mr. Lyddell, in a voice of thunder, and great was the +alarm of all, for her sake, as she turned pale and trembled. "Caroline! +You have my full consent to do as you please. You may break with +Faulkner to-morrow, if you like!" + +Some discovery! thought Marian, transfixed with wonder and hope; +Caroline sat still but for her trembling, her face bent down, and her +hands nervously clasped together. + +"Now, sir," proceeded Mr. Lyddell, turning round on Elliot, "you see if +I am the tyrant you would make me. You see if I am going to force my +daughter into a marriage against her wish--sacrifice my whole family +because I have an ill-conditioned scamp of a good-for-nothing son. You +see." + +"I do see, sir," muttered Elliot; "and you'll see whether you like the +consequences." + +Marian thought she had better be out of this family scene, and had her +hand on the door, but Mr. Lyddell called out "Stay here! Marian! I +don't care if all the world heard me. He thinks he can threaten me into +tyranny over her inclinations, and I tell him she is as free as air! I +vow----." + +"Mr. Lyddell! do consider, do think," expostulated his wife; "I daresay +Elliot was a little too vehement a partizan for his friend----." + +"Friend! Pshaw! He care for his friend!" said Mr. Lyddell scornfully. +"'Tis for himself he is a partizan, I tell you. Nothing else does he +care a straw for. 'Tis for nothing but the saving of her fortune that he +would have me persecute his sister into this marriage! Aye! he has the +face to tell me so! and what more do you think he comes and says to me! +Why! that Lionel will be nothing but a burthen for ever! A pretty pass +things are come to when he speaks after that fashion of his own brother! +He cared for his friend, indeed!" + +"No one ever thought of compelling Caroline," pleaded Mrs. Lyddell. + +"But I tell you he did," interrupted her husband. "I told him I was very +sorry, but I could not help it; if she would have her own way, I could +not make her marry the man against her will, and he answers in his +sneering way that it is all nonsense, he would be bound to make her give +up in no time--any man could bring a girl to reason. As if I was to +persecute my daughter to force her into what she tells me is against her +conscience. Better too much conscience than none at all, I tell you, +Master Elliot." + +"We had better bring this scene to an end, sir," said Elliot sullenly. +"We understand each other." + +So saying, he took up his candle and flung out of the room. The girls +were but too glad to escape, and Lionel followed them, leaving Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell to themselves. + +Caroline and Clara both were trembling like aspen leaves, each threw an +arm round Marian's waist, and leant against her as soon as they were +out of the room. She had been startled and trembling before, but their +fright seemed to give her firmness; and it was well, for Caroline's +knees shook so much, and she was so nervous that she could hardly have +reached her room without support. Clara began to exclaim, but Marian +stopped her, made her fetch some camphor julep, helped Caroline to +undress, and put her to bed. Caroline hardly spoke all the time, but +as Marian bent over her to kiss her, and wish her good night, she +whispered, "I may soon be able to have you again, dear Marian!" + +Marian went to bed, wondering at all that had passed, indignant with +Elliot, pleased with Mr. Lyddell, hopeful for Caroline, and cheered by +finding that she had not been thought unkind. + +She heard doors opened and shut, and the trampling of feet the next +morning, and when Lionel met her in the schoolroom for their reading, +he told her that be had been overtaken by Elliot running down stairs at +full speed; and had only just time to clear out of his way. "And hark! +is not there something at the front door? Look out, Marian." + +Marian looked from the window. "Yes! It is his dog-cart. Can he be going +away, Lionel?" + +"Going off in a rage!" said Lionel, looking grave; "I thought there was +mischief in his voice last night." + +"Yes, there is his portmanteau," said Marian, in a tone of +consternation; for little as she liked Elliot, it was too shocking to +see a son thus leave his father's roof. + +"It is a pretty piece of work," said Lionel. "He has been coming it a +little too strong for my father, it seems! Well, poor Caroline will be +let alone, that is one good thing; but I am afraid he will go and get +into some tremendous scrape, if it is only for the sake of spiting my +father." + +"It is very dreadful!" said Marian, sighing. + +"I am very glad my father was so angry, though!" said Lionel. "Wanting +him to drive poor Caroline into it by unkindness! That was a little too +bad!" + +"Yes, indeed," said Marian. "But O! here he comes out of the door with +his cigar. He is getting in! There he goes! O, Lionel!" + +They both were silent for some little time. Then Marian took up the +prayer-book, and began the Psalm, and when she heard Lionel's voice +join in the Doxology, a thrill came home to her, making her feel that +blindness might yet be indeed the blessing to him that faith taught her +to know it must be. How much better to be thus than like his brother. + +When they met the others at breakfast, it proved that they alone knew of +the departure; Mr. Lyddell interrogated Elliot's servant, and heard from +him that he had orders to follow his master to Paris as soon as he had +packed up his goods. This was all that could be learnt, and all that +Marian could make out as to what had passed, was that he had been +strongly averse to Caroline's engagement being broken off, that he +had tried to induce his father to insist upon it, and to drive her to +overcome her reluctance by what could be only understood as domestic +persecution, and that in short he had allowed his unfeeling selfishness +to appear to such a degree, that it had positively revolted his father, +whose displeasure had long been excited by the extravagance that had +been causing serious inconvenience, and who instantly, while under the +influence of his first indignation, resolved to show that he would +not be domineered over, nor sacrifice the rest of the family to the +extravagance which he had already too freely supplied. + +Mr. Lyddell had given his consent while angry, and he could not retract +it when he was cool. Caroline therefore might write her letter as soon +as she pleased. She had nothing to dread from him; indeed, as if out of +opposition to Elliot, he was kinder to her than he had ever been before, +called her "my dear" more than once, and observed on her pale looks. Her +mother spoke little to her, and that little was cold and unkind, while +she looked so vexed and unhappy that even Marian had some feeling for +her, and what must it have been for her own daughter? However, all open +opposition was withdrawn, and Caroline had only herself to struggle +with. There was no reason why she should not once more seek comfort from +Marian, yet all that day she kept at a distance, and it was not till the +next evening that she came into Marian's room, and sinking into a chair, +murmured, "I have done it." + +"Written your letter?" + +"Sent it." + +"O, I am so glad!" + +"Glad?" + +"Yes, but you will be glad when it is over." + +"O!" sighed Caroline, incredulously. "You know nothing about it. +Marian." + +"Every one must be glad to have done right," said Marian, firmly. + +"O what a week it has been! And I have sown dissension in the family! +And no one can tell what may be the consequence with Elliot! And he will +be unhappy! O! Marian--I wish--I wish you had let me go on my own way +and be miserable alone," added she with a kind of anger. + +"It was your own doing," said Marian gently; "you felt it to be right. +Only worse misery could come of your going on, for that would have been +positive wrong; now it must and will get better." + +"I don't know," sighed Caroline. "I never knew till now how much I cared +for him! O, Marian!" and she burst into a hearty fit of crying. + +Marian was perplexed, as she always was when any one cried, and stood +without a word till Caroline had relieved herself by tears, and began to +speak again. It was very sad and melancholy, and it was very difficult +to find anything to answer; Marian could see no consolation but that +"it was right," and that did not seem to have much effect on Caroline; +while, added to the former trouble of renouncing the man who loved her, +and of grieving her parents, there was the dread of what Elliot might do +in his anger. + +However, the being able to pour everything out to so true a friend was +more of a comfort than anything that, could have been said to her. She +told Marian that she had gone through the conversations with her father +and mother better than she could have thought possible. She could not +desert poor Walter, that was one thing that helped her, she must stand +by him, and papa was not half so angry as she expected. It seemed as if +her strength had grown with each occasion for it. The first effort of +writing to Walter had cost her most of all, then the allowing him to +break the matter to her father had been dreadful; but after all, the +conferences with her parents, singly and together, had not been as bad +as the fear of them, and Marian tried to persuade her that it would be +the same when she saw Mr. Faulkner, but poor Caroline shook her head, +and said Marian knew nothing about it. And Marian was much of the same +opinion, and held her peace, but before the end of the conversation she +had the great pleasure of hearing Caroline say, "The thought of being +able to have you again has been the one great help to me through all!" + +Two days after this, as Marian and Lionel were going out riding +together, Marian exclaimed, "I do believe that is Mr. Faulkner!" + +"Where?" + +"Riding on the Salisbury road," said Marian; "I am sure it is his +horse." + +"Don't let us meet him! can't we get out of the way?" said Lionel. +"Aren't we somewhere near the thorny lane?" + +"No, but we might ride off on the Down. Only take care, Lionel; you had +better keep close to me," said Marian, much more unwilling to meet Mr. +Faulkner than to conduct Lionel through the ups and downs of the green, +chalky common. + +She watched and guided his pony up the bank and upon the Down, and on +they trotted fast, for Marian was actuated by a very undignified fit +of terror lest she should meet Mr. Faulkner, towards whom she felt +positively guilty, nor did she wish to be seen fleeing from him. + +"We must be out of sight of the road by this time, aren't we?" said +Lionel. + +"I don't know," Marian turned her head to see. At that moment Lionel's +pony stepped into a hole, stumbled, and when she looked back again, +there was Lionel on the ground. Her head swam with fear, but the next +moment Lionel was on his feet and laughing. + +"Not hurt, Lionel! are you sure?" + +"Not a bit! Is that Sorrel?" + +Sorrel was rushing off with his bridle loose, and Marian began to dread +having Mr. Faulkner's assistance in catching him. "Stand still, Lionel!" +she called, and then riding between Sorrel and the road, she managed to +turn him towards a long hedge that crossed the Down, saw him stop to eat +a tuft of grass, made a grasp at his bridle, but failed, while he dashed +off across the Down, happily not towards the road. + +She called to Lionel, told him of her ill success, and begged him not to +move, while she again pursued the runaway, and a long dance he led her, +far out of sight of Lionel. Once she had considerable hopes, when she +came in sight of a shepherd boy, who stood in amaze at the lady in chase +of the runaway steed, then came up with a run to cut off its course, but +so awkwardly that the pony was still more frightened, and galloped off +in another direction faster than ever! Poor Marian! However after full +half an hour, she succeeded in hunting him into a narrow place between +two fields, ending in a gate, caught safely hold of the rein, kept it +fast, and at length led Sorrel back in triumph to the spot where poor +Lionel stood still patiently. She called out to him as soon as she came +near enough to make her voice heard, and he answered, and walked forward +to meet the dark shapes, which were all that he could see. + +Marian feared that he would be very much mortified at having been +obliged to remain thus helpless, while a girl was doing what he would +have so much enjoyed, and she looked anxiously at his face, alas! she +could look there now without his knowing it. It was disconsolate, but +the look was not bitter. She held Sorrel while he mounted, and she then +apologized for having been so long, and said she feared he had thought +she had forgotten him. He made not much reply, did not even ask how she +had managed to catch the pony. Marian conducted him safely into the road +before she would speak again. He did, however, congratulate himself on +not having been obliged to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner for catching +the pony, as well as on Sorrel's not having gone home to tell the tale +himself. + +"Yes, indeed, they would have been terribly frightened," said Marian. + +"Ay, and if they once knew of my tumble, they would never let us go out +riding again." + +"But, Lionel, we must tell," said Marian. + +"Just like a girl!" grumbled Lionel. "Then there's an end of all our +rides, and all the comfort that I have in life." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "At any rate I can't ride with you, I +should not think it right, unless Mr. Lyddell knew of this fall. It is +my concern and not yours, for it was all through my carelessness." + +"You go on just as if you were a child still," said Lionel, still cross. + +"Well, Lionel, I believe the only way is to manage ourselves as if we +were children still." + +"All very fine," was Lionel's surly answer, and they rode on, while +Marian was very unhappy. She blamed herself for having given way to a +foolish fit of nervous bashfulness, which had led to what might have +been a serious accident to her especial charge. It had further made a +very unpleasant confession needful, and Lionel's vexation and irritation +seemed to have overcome all his late improvement. The thought of what +poor Caroline was going through was enough to stifle everything else, +and Marian wondered at herself, as for a sort of unkindness, in having +been so fully occupied as to have had no time for anxiety. + +Both had been very silent ever since Lionel's reply, until Marian asked +him to strike his repeater. It was half-past five, and they turned +homewards, taking a bye road so as to avoid meeting Mr. Faulkner. And +now Lionel began to talk of Caroline, and wonder how she had sped. He +seemed to throw off his own private troubles as he talked of hers, and +his fit of petulance was melting fast away. At last he made up his mind +to inquire how she had caught Sorrel, and was positively interested in +the narration, laughing at the idea of the scrape they would have been +in if Sorrel had made his way to the road, and Mr. Faulkner had caught +him. + +He said no more about the confession, but it was evident that he had +conquered his annoyance sooner than he had ever done before. Marian had +not theorized on the matter, but if she had she could not have judged +better, for Lionel was far better dealt with by being bold and +uncompromising. It was very strange to have this concern of their own so +much on their minds when Caroline's fate was at its crisis, yet perhaps +it was good for Marian to be thus occupied, since she was apt to suffer +very much from anxiety, as persons of her calm and reserved demeanour +often do. A sickening, throbbing, trembling feeling came over her, +making her temples beat and her hands cold, as she came into the house, +expecting to hear whether Caroline had endured and been true to herself, +and it was well she had not had longer to suffer from it. + +No one was in the drawing-room, and she ran as fast as her trembling +knees would allow to Caroline's room, knocked, received no answer, +opened the door, and saw Caroline stretched out on her bed, in a state +best described by the French word _aneantissement_, for it was not +fainting, but the sort of prostration consequent on the completion of an +effort for which she had wound herself up. She was very pale, her eyes +were shut, and her breath came short. Marian stood watching her in +alarm, wondering whether to speak, and how. At last Caroline looked up, +held out her hand, and drew Marian down on her knees till her face was +level with hers, then put her arm round her neck. + +"Dear Caroline!" said Marian, though it was not easy to say anything, +"you will be happier now." + +A more caressing person would have been much more at ease herself and +given more comfort to Caroline, that must be confessed, but as there was +no one else to be had, Marian was obliged to do her best, and this was +to kiss Caroline timidly and say, "I am so glad you have done right." + +But Caroline only hid her face at the word _glad_ and murmured, "You +never did him justice! You never did!" + +"If it had not been for the want of that one thing he would have been +all right," said Marian. + +"O, he is very noble! he has such a mind! such--such--O, he loved me so +much," and Caroline fell into a paroxysm of silent misery. Marian began +to dread lest the parting had not been final, and though doubtful +whether she ought to ask, could not help saying, "But is it over?" + +"Yes, yes; you have your wish, Marian. It is done! He is angry with me +now! It is over, and I am wretched for life!" + +"Not so wretched as if you had done wrong." said Marian. Caroline did +not turn away this time, and Marian gathered courage to say, "You have +persevered, and now there will be comfort. There will always be comfort +in knowing you have tried to do right. Walter will be so glad, and so +will Lionel." + +"Lionel," repeated Caroline. + +"Yes, he has been very anxious about you." + +"Poor boy!" sighed Caroline. "Well, Marian, there is one thing still to +be done. Only one, and it is all that I shall live for. I shall devote +myself to him, if I can but do anything to please him, and make him care +for me when you are gone. It will be my one object." + +"Yes," said Marian, "it will be very good for you both." + +They were interrupted by Clara, who came in, dressed for dinner, pitying +Caroline, and telling Marian it was very late. Caroline sat up, but she +had a violent nervous headache, and they both persuaded her to lie down +again. + +Marian ran off to dress, and though the dinner-bell rang in the midst +of her hurried toilette, came back to look at Caroline, beg her to keep +quiet, and promise to come up as soon as dinner was over. As she went +down, the other trouble of having to confess their adventure came over +her, but she was resolute, in spite of the want of favour with which she +knew she was regarded. + +Want of favour, evident from the scrupulous formality with which she was +treated; for if she had been like a daughter of the house, as she ought +to have been, would they have waited dinner for her, and let her find +them all looking uncomfortable and expectant in the drawing-room? They +went into the dining-room; there was a silent, formal dinner, nothing +like a family party. As soon as the servants had left the room. Marian +quailing secretly, not from fear of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, but lest +Lionel should lose his rides, began, "I have a confession to make, Mr. +Lyddell," and told the story of the accident, explaining how it was +entirely caused by her carelessness. + +Exclamations and inquiries arose, and Mrs. Lyddell certified herself by +several questions that Lionel had not been hurt, but not one of them was +addressed to Marian. It was as if this was only one among many injuries, +too frequent for a reproach more or less to be needed. Mr. Lyddell did +not take it half so much to heart, and no prohibition against future +rides was issued, for the truth was that no one liked to mortify Lionel. +It was exactly one of the cases in which the whole danger is not +conquered, because it melts at the very aspect of moral courage. + +It was not comfortable to have to walk away to Caroline, knowing how +much she had displeased Mrs. Lyddell; but it must be done, and it was, +at least, agreeable to leave these cold looks. She found Caroline +better, and able to tell her something of what had passed. At first Mr. +Faulkner would not believe her to be in earnest, and had imagined this +was a way of showing her displeasure at his long absence, or some +trifling "lovers' quarrel;" but when he found that she really meant +what she said, and her tears and stifled whispers alike announced her +adherence to what she had expressed in her letter, he became extremely +angry, thought himself, (as indeed he might with some justice) very +ill-used, and though he had retained his gentlemanlike manner and +language, had pretty plainly expressed that Miss Lyddell should have +known her own mind. Poor Caroline wept bitterly, beseeching that they +might not part in anger, but he disavowed all irritation, and took a +cold, courteous leave, which wounded her more than all. + +Marian could not easily sympathise with regrets for such a lover, but +she liked to magnify the sacrifice in order to admire it more, and +greatly rejoiced in being able to give full admiration to one whom she +had learnt to love so heartily as Caroline. Such a triumph over natural +timidity and feebleness of character was indeed a great and gallant +thing, and Marian used to muse and wonder at it in her solitary hours. +There was still much to suffer externally as well as internally; there +was the return of letters and presents, with all their associations; +there was the feeling of the pain and offence given to Lady Julia and +her daughters; there was the perception of the opinions of the world, +and the certainty that all the gossips of the neighbourhood were busy +with their conjectures; there was the continued anxiety about Elliot, +and the marked vexation and displeasure of Mrs. Lyddell, who treated +Caroline as one who had disappointed all her best hopes. + +Under all this there was only Marian to sustain Caroline, and their +friendship was an additional offence. Marian knew that Mrs. Lyddell +regarded her as the head of a hostile party, and a sower of dissension +in the family, by no means an agreeable footing on which to stand; but +the only way, was to appear completely unconscious, and behave as far as +possible as usual. She was grateful to them for making it no worse, and +still more for not having objected to her continuing her rides with +Lionel, from whom, it may well be believed, she scarcely ever took her +eyes, from the time his foot was in the stirrup. + +Lionel was triumphant at the dismissal of "Julian the apostate," but he +was disappointed to find that Caroline did not recover her spirits "now +she had had her own way, and got rid of the man." He did not like to +have her presence announced by a sigh, and to hear the subdued, dejected +tone of her voice, and he used to wonder over it with Marian, who +laughed at him for fancying it was such an easy matter to part with a +lover, yet agreed that it was hard to understand how there could be love +where there was no esteem. Lionel used to consult her as to what was to +be done to cheer his sister, since his mother would only make everything +worse and he could not bear her continued melancholy. + +"I do believe, Lionel," said Marian, "that you could do more for her +than any body else. If you would but sometimes let her do things for +you, ask her to help you, as--as you ask me." + +Lionel would not take the suggestion as she wished. "I thought you liked +to help me," said he, in a somewhat offended tone. + +"O, don't I?" cried Marian, eagerly; "but so does every one, if you +would only allow them." + +Lionel flourished the little switch in his hand till it made an +ill-tempered "_swish!_" and Marian knew that he thought her ungrateful +for the exclusive preference with which he honoured her. + +"She is your sister," she added. + +"Very well," said Lionel, crossly shaking off her arm, "I shall know +what to be at, if you are tired of helping me." + +He could not see the tears in her eyes, and though she was extremely +grieved, her voice did not betray how strong her feeling was. "Tired! +O Lionel, how can you think it? But would it not be better to learn to +depend less on me against I go away?" + +"Ay, and glad enough you'll be to go." + +"For all but your sake and poor Caroline's," said Marian. "Mrs. Lyddell +does not like to have me here." + +"It would not be fair to want to keep you," said Lionel, "but----" + +"I should have much more comfort in going if I thought you and Caroline +were helping each other," said Marian. "I know she wants to make you her +first object." + +Lionel made no answer nor any change in his ways for some days, yet +sometimes it seemed, as if when he thought of it, he was more willing +to allow Caroline to do him some of the small services which his fast +increasing blindness rendered necessary. Caroline being more dexterous +and neat-handed than Marian, did them well, and then Marian was vexed +with herself for a few feelings like annoyance at not being equally +necessary to Lionel, but she persevered, encouraged by seeing the +comfort that each approach on his part seemed to give his sister. It was +the hardest thing Marian had ever had to do, to give up the being first +with him, as she must cease to be when the natural affection of the +brother and sister was called into play. But it was right, and she would +bear it. She thought it right as well as very pleasant to accept an +invitation from the Wortleys to come and spend the Christmas holidays +with them, joining her brother on the railroad, and meeting Edmund at +Fern Torr. The repose would be beyond everything delightful, and no less +so, the being in a house where her presence was welcome to every member +of the family. Besides, she longed to see and to talk to Agnes, and the +more she thought of her promised visit the more she enjoyed it. + +Caroline and Lionel both were very sorry to part with her, and jointly +and separately lamented her going; but Caroline blamed herself for +selfishness in wishing to keep her, and perceived that it would be a +good thing that her brother should begin to be weaned from his sole +dependance upon her, while Lionel seemed half afraid to trust her to +depart, lest she should never return, and insisted on half a dozen +promises that she would come back at the end of Gerald's holidays. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + "They made a famous procession + My good little women and men; + Such a sight was never seen before + And never will again." + + SOUTHEY. + + +A division of a first-class carriage, occupied only by Gerald, received +Marian at the station, and first she had to be shown the hat, cloak, and +umbrella with which he had constructed an effigy, which, as he firmly +believed, had frightened away all who had thought of taking a seat in +it. + +"Thinking you a mad monkey, and that your keeper," said Marian, looking +proudly at the handsome face and dancing black eyes of her beautiful +brother. "Why! how you are grown, Gerald! Do stand up, and let me see if +you are not taller than I am." + +"No, not quite so tall, unless it is your bonnet," said Gerald, after +craning up his neck in vain. + +"At any rate, you are taller than Lionel. He only comes up to my ear," +said Marian. + +"Poor Lionel! How are his eyes?" + +"O Gerald, it is very sad. He has very little sight left. I believe he +finds his way about quite by feeling now. It has grown worse so much +faster in these last three weeks." + +"Poor fellow! What can he do all day?" + +A long description followed, and then Gerald wanted to hear all about +Caroline, and what Marian thought fit to tell him, together with his +comments, lasted till, in spite of his effigy, a lady made an entrance, +and for some time Gerald was reduced to silence, and as he sat on the +same side, to making horrible sidelong scowls at her, out of her sight, +which sorely tried his sister's propriety of countenance. + +The tongues of two such happy people could not long, however, continue +tied, and presently Gerald rattled off into a history of his sporting +adventures in Scotland, as if he would detail every shot. The narration +was endless, and very tiresome it would have been to any woman but a +sister, and a sister who had so much of the hunter spirit in her as +Marian; but she listened and sympathised with all her heart and soul, +and understood why such a shot was a good one, and why such another +failed, and was absorbed in the interest of the attempt to recover a +wounded bird when the retriever was stupid, long after the intruder had +made her exit, and they might have returned to matters touching her more +closely, though regarded by Gerald as hardly equal in importance to roe +deer, salmon, and grouse. + +They were on Devonshire ground before they ever began to rejoice over +Edmund's engagement, and from thence to talk of Edmund himself. Gerald +pronounced many an eulogium on him, in which praises of his excellence +as a fisherman and sportsman were strangely mixed with a real genuine +appreciation of his goodness and superiority. + +"'Tis a capital thing that he is come home to stay," said Gerald, +heartily. + +"Isn't it?" + +"I like him specially," said Gerald. "Do you know he showed me some of +my father's letters." + +"Did he indeed?" + +"That he did. It was before I was born, when he thought he was going to +have Fern Torr and all, he had rather an idle fit, and these were what +papa wrote to him." + +"Was Edmund ever idle?" exclaimed Marian, falling into a reverie of +wonder whether this did not make it more hopeful for Gerald. + +"I am very glad he has got this money," proceeded Gerald. "I only wish +it was more. One letter he showed me that was best of all. It was from +my father when I was born. You can't think what a nice letter it was. +There was something about its being a disappointment to him--to Edmund, +I mean, but how papa cared for him as much as ever, and thought after +all it might be better for him in the end. And then, Marian, papa said +he could hardly expect to live till I was grown up, and he asked Edmund +to be my godfather, and said he trusted to him to be like an elder +brother to us." + +"That he is!" murmured Marian. + +"Edmund said he wished me to read it that I might not think him +interfering." + +"You never could have thought so!" + +"I don't know. I could not have stood it from some people, but I could +see the sense of what Edmund said." + +Without entering into particulars, Gerald was now all freedom and +openness, casting quite away the restraint that had so long grieved his +sister. How happy she was! + +Mr. Wortley himself met them at Exeter, and in spite of the early +darkness of the winter day, Charles and James met them at the foot of +Blackstone hill, and Edmund and Agnes were a little further on. + +What a happy greeting it was! Marian and Gerald would jump out and walk +home with them, the boys ran and called in the dark, the stars came out +overhead, the tall hedges kept out all the glimmering light, splashes +alone made them aware of the puddles; but on the happy party tramped, +all talking an unmitigated flow of merry nonsense, laughing and enjoying +it, all the more the darker and stranger it grew, and merrier than all, +when they got home, at Mrs. Wortley's dismay at their having dragged +Marian a mile and a half, in the dark and dirt, after her long journey. +"Pretty guardians to have the care of her!" + +All the evening again there was nothing but fun and joyousness, fun of +the brightest, happiest kind, positively wild in the three boys, and +Edmund not much less so, the girls weary with laughing, and contributing +their share to the sport. A person must have lived like Marian, pent up +by formalities and the certainty of being disliked, to know what was +the enjoyment of the perfect liberty and absence from constraint, the +thorough home-like feeling of every one loving and understanding each +other, which existed at Fern Torr. How delightful it was to have no +heart achings for Gerald, to see Edmund just like his old self, and the +dear Agnes, so very lovely and bright! so very unlike her only former +experience of betrothed lovers. It was no small happiness to the Fern +Torr party to have one so prized and loved as Marian to rejoice with +them, indeed, all this evening every one was too joyous to dwell on any +of the causes of their felicity, it was nothing but high spirits, and +unreflective mirth. + +When they had bidden each other good night, and were gone up stairs, +there was more of gravity and thought. Marian and Agnes could have sat +up talking half the night, if Mrs. Wortley would have allowed them, but +she said Marian must have time to rest, and ruthlessly condemned her to +bed. + +Never did Marian spend so happy a Christmas. There was plenty of depth +and earnestness in her _tete-a-tetes_ with Agnes, when they talked +over the wonders that had happened to them both, and always ended by +returning to recollections of happy old days before Marian left +Fern Torr, when Edmund had been the prime mover of every delightful +adventure. Marian was as good as a sister to each of the lovers, so +heartily did she help each one to admire the other. Or when they were +"lovering," as the boys chose to call their interminable wanderings in +the manor gardens, Marian used to be extremely happy with Mrs. Wortley, +talking over the history of the engagement, and settling how and when +the love began. Mr. Wortley suggested that the first attraction had been +Agnes' unmitigated horror of the Lyddells, which he declared had won Mr. +Arundel's heart, though he never owned how much he participated in it. +It needs not to be stated how Edmund's noble behaviour was appreciated, +more especially after the new lights which Marian was able to throw upon +it. + +Then came the discussion of the plans for the house which Edmund was to +build, on a farm, which had come into the market at the very nick of +time, just on the other side of the hill, and in Fern Torr parish. +Marian and Gerald were taken the first day to look and advise whether +the new house should be on the old site, or under the shelter of a great +old slate quarry, crested with a wood, a beautiful view spread before +it, and capacities for making the loveliest garden that was ever seen. + +Edmund sketched house and garden in every possible point of view, each +prettier than the other, and all the young gave their voices eagerly for +the quarry, while the old protested on the difficulty of getting so far +up the hill, and suggested damp. But the young carried the day, and the +plans were drawn and debated on a dozen times in twenty-four hours, +always including the prettiest of little sitting-rooms for Marian, with +a window opening into the garden, and a door into the drawing-room, and +then came letters to architects and calculations with builders, and +reckonings that the house should be habitable by next September, and Mr. +Wortley laughing at their credulity for expecting it. + +Marian was surprised to find how far away and secondary seemed the +thoughts that had of late engrossed her entirely. She wondered to +discover how little her mind had been occupied with Caroline and Lionel, +fond as she was of them and very anxious about them. This was so very +different a world! and she felt so much more as if she belonged to it. +She obtained from Agnes some admiration for Caroline's conduct, though +in somewhat of the "better late than never" style, and at the price of +warm abuse of the parents, in which Marian was not indisposed to join. + +Caroline wrote nearly every day, saying that she missed Marian +dreadfully, and that her letters were the only comfort she had; she +would not wish her back again, for that would be selfish, but it would +be a joyful day when she returned. These constant letters, which Marian +always kept to herself, rather surprised the Wortleys, but Edmund could +better guess at her position. "Depend upon it," he said to Agnes, "it is +she who has saved Miss Lyddell." + +"O, Edmund! do you think so? I wanted to have thought so, but she says +it was the brother." + +"He took the steps which would not have become Marian, but Walter +Lyddell could never have moved without his sister, and where could she +have found the principle but in Marian? I see now that her perseverance +in right is beginning to tell on those around her, in spite of all +untoward circumstances." + +"I don't know anything like Marian!" said Agnes. "How very fine her +countenance is!" + +"That steadfast brow and lip." + +"I saw her yesterday standing on the edge of a rock looking out on the +view, and she was like some statue of Fortitude." + +"Yes, Marian is a grand creature," said Edmund; "so strong and firm, yet +with such feminine, retiring strength. There are still prejudices +and little roughnesses, but I doubt whether they have not been her +safeguard, outworks to secure the building, and I think they are +disappearing with the occasion." + +"Ah! papa and mamma think her very much softened down." + +"She has had a very hard part to act, and her shyness and rigidity have +been great helps to her, but I am glad to see them wearing away, and +especially pleasant it is to see her expand and show her true self +here." + +"And to know she may soon be free of them all for ever!" said Agnes. + +The time when Marian was to be free of them for ever, as Agnes said, +was to be the next summer. Edmund and Agnes were to be married in July, +Marian would then come to Fern Torr, and comfort Mrs. Wortley for losing +her daughter, till the holidays began, when Edmund and Agnes would +return, and some undefined scheme of delight was to be settled on for +Gerald's holidays, until the house should be ready. Gerald was in the +meantime very agreeable and satisfactory on the whole. He was too busy +drawing varieties of stables for Edmund, to talk about his own, and +marvellous were the portraits of the inhabitants with which he would +decorate Edmund's elevations, whenever he found them straying about +the room. Very mischievous indeed was the young gentleman, and Marian +considered him to have been "a great deal too bad" when on a neat, +finished plan, just prepared to be sent to the builder, she found +unmistakeable likenesses of the whole Wortley family, herself and +Gerald, assembled round a great bowl of punch, large enough to drown +them all, drinking to the health of Edmund and Agnes, who were riding in +at the gate, pillion fashion, supposed to be returning after the honey +moon, which in one corner of the picture was represented in a most +waning state, but the man in the moon squinting down at them with a +peculiarly benignant expression of countenance. + +Marian was very angry, but Edmund and Agnes would do nothing but laugh, +though the whole plan had to be drawn over again, and Edmund was kept at +work with ruler, scale, and compasses the whole evening, Marian scolding +Gerald all the time, and Edmund too, for spoiling him, thinking her +cousin the most heroically good natured and good tempered man in the +world to bear with such an idle monkey, and laugh at the waste of time +and trouble; and getting at last a glimmering perception that these +tricks, thus met, were the greatest proof of good understanding and +friendship. It ended in Gerald's inking in the plan, of his own free +will, and very neatly, and getting up at six, the next morning, to ride +to Exeter, in the dark cold misty December twilight, to take it to the +builder, that no time might be lost; indeed, as he boasted, it was there +a quarter of an hour before it would have come by post, as it would have +done had it gone yesterday. + +Gerald's studies were not extensive, but Edmund, by some magic secret, +unknown to Marian, made him read history to himself for a short space +every morning. The sporting paper had disappeared, and nothing was heard +of Elliot or of Queen Pomare, while though he could not yet go the +length of talking to the poor people himself, he stood by very civilly +while Edmund talked to them. + +The first ten days of Marian's stay had thus passed, when Caroline one +day mentioned in her letter that mamma had a regularly bad influenza +cold, and was quite laid up. It was aggravated, Caroline said, by the +distress they were all in about Elliot. "But you will hear enough of +this when you come back," wrote she, "so I will not grieve you with +it now; though it is an additional load upon my mind--an additional +offence, I fear, in poor mamma's eyes, since all this would not have +come to light had I persisted. But you must not think I am repenting, +for I never was further from regretting what I have done. The different +spirit in which I could come to this Christmas feast, is a blessing to +be purchased at any price, even at such wretchedness as it has been this +autumn; and most earnestly do I thank you, dearest Marian. I can thank +you by letter, though we never can speak of such things. Yes, I thank +you. I regret nothing but my previous folly and weakness, and bitterly +do I suffer for them; though all is better now, and Christmas has +brought me peace and calm. It is as if the storm was lulled at last, and +nothing left but dreariness, and the longing to be at rest. How bright +the world was before me not a year ago! and now how worn out it +seems,--only three comforts left in it, you, and Walter, and poor +Lionel. For Lionel is a comfort; he is very kind and considerate, and, I +do believe, softens mamma towards me. I suppose it is best for us that +our hearts should have no home but one above; and if I was sure it was +not disgust and disappointment, I should hope I was seeking one there; +for I know the only feeling of rest and refreshment is in turning +thither, and surely that must come from the FATHER, Who is ready to +receive me. But I must leave off, for mamma is too unwell to be long +left. + +"Your most affectionate + +"CAROLINE LYDDELL." + + +After this, the letters, hitherto constant, ceased entirely, and Marian +grew very uneasy. Her mother had died of influenza, so that the name +gave her a fatal impression; and she dreaded to hear that Mrs. Lyddell +was very ill, or that Caroline was ill herself. Another week, and at +length she heard from Clara, in answer to a letter of inquiry, and to +fix the day of her return. + + + "Oakworthy, Jan. 7th. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--Caroline desires me to write to + tell you, with her love, that she has this horrid influenza, and + has been in bed since Monday. She is very feverish, and + her throat so sore that she can hardly speak or swallow. + Sarah sat up with her last night, and I think she is a little + better this morning. Mamma is better, but only gets up for + a little while in the evening, and cannot leave her room. I + wish you were at home, for I don't know what to do: I am + running backwards and forwards between the two rooms all + day, and poor Lionel is so forlorn and solitary down stairs, + with only papa. There!--that great blot was a tear, for I + am so worn out with fatigue and nursing, that I am almost + overcome. This winter I was to have come out,--how very + different! I forgot to tell you, after all, that the carriage + shall meet you, as you mention, on the 15th. I wish it was + directly; they will be all well by the time you come. But + it is so very forlorn, and I am so nervous; so excuse this + scrawl. + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "CLARA LYDDELL." + +As soon as Marian read this letter, she gave it to Edmund, saying, "I +think I had better go home." + +"O, Marian, you must not cheat us!" cried Agnes. + +"I think they would be very glad of you," said Edmund, and withal +Marian's mind was made up, and she withstood all the persuasions +of Gerald and Agnes that it was nothing--nonsense--only Clara's +dismality--they would laugh at her for coming for nothing. No; Marian +knew she was no nurse, but she could not bear to think of Lionel left to +his blindness and helplessness, still less of Caroline, ill, and with no +one to cheer her. She was sure she was wanted by those two at least, and +she resolved that she would be at Oakworthy to-morrow evening, wrote +notice of her intention to Clara, and prepared for her journey, giving +up that precious last week, so prized because it was the last. She could +go alone with her maid; there was no use in spoiling Gerald's holidays; +so he would stay for all the delights that she gave up, ruining all by +her absence, as every one declared. + +Agnes grumbled and scolded her to her face, but made up for it out of +hearing, by admiring her more than ever. Mr. and Mrs. Wortley gave her +silent approval, and the boys would not wish her a pleasant journey. She +was ready early the next morning, and once more left Fern Torr, bright +with the promise that, when she was there next, it would be no more a +guest. + +She prosperously arrived at the station nearest Oakworthy, and soon saw +the servant waiting for her. "Is Miss Lyddell better?" + +"A little better than last night, ma'am. Mr. Lionel is in the carriage." + +Marian had not at all expected any one to meet her, especially Lionel, +coming all this distance in silence and darkness. She hastened to the +carriage, and saw him leaning forward, listening for her. His face +lighted up at her, "Well, Lionel," and he fairly hurt her, by the +tightness of his grasp, when once he had met her hand. "So, you're come! +What a time it has been since you went! Now you are come, I don't care." + +"And how are you?" she asked anxiously. + +"Bad enough to be going back to the oculist next week," he answered; "I +can't even see the light." + +A long silence; then, "How is Caroline?" + +"Pretty much the same; it is a bad, feverish cold, and shocking throat. +She breathes as if she was half stifled, and can hardly speak." + +"I suppose she has Mr. Wells?" + +"Yes, two or three times a day," + +"And Mrs. Lyddell is better?" + +"Better, but not out of her room. It has been a tolerable state of +things of late. Not a creature to speak to, except, now and then, Clara +coming down to maunder and sigh over all she has to do, and my father, +who has been thoroughly in a rage about Elliot. Do you know about all +that, Marian?" + +"No," she answered. + +"It is out now, why he was so set upon Caroline's marriage, he had got +Faulkner to back a bill for him; you don't know what that means, I +suppose," said Lionel, with his old superior manner;--"made him engage +that the money Elliot borrowed should be paid. There was to be some +shuffle between them about her fortune it seems; so after the engagement +was off, when the bill became due, Faulkner sent the holder of it to +my father for the money and the news of this set on all the other +creditors. No end of bills coming in, and he has been pretty nearly +crazy among them; says we shall be beggars, and I don't know what all! I +vow, it is my old plan coming right!" cried Lionel vehemently. "If the +man in London can but set my eyes to rights, I'd be off to Australia +to-morrow, instead of staying here to make all worse. Well, it's no use +thinking of it: if ever I make my fortune now, it will be with a dog in +a string, and a hat in his mouth." + +"But go on, Lionel; are the debts so very bad?" + +"I believe they are indeed, and no one knows the worst of them yet. No +wonder Elliot was off to Paris in such a hurry, like a coward as he is, +no one knows how he is ever to come back! And worst of all is to have +mamma going about saying 'tis Caroline's fault! Hadn't I rather come to +the hat and dog in good earnest than to see her marry that man? Why, +Marian, he is actually engaged to Miss Dashwood! What do you say to +that? To the Radical Dashwood's daughter that behaved so shamefully to +papa!" + +"The daughter?" + +"No, the man. Fit company for the apostate, isn't it? He had better have +begun with her. Fine love his must have been. Only six weeks. Should not +that cure Caroline?" + +"Has she heard it?" + +"No, we have only known it since she was ill, and Clara thought she had +better not tell her." + +"Very right of Clara," said Marian; "but I think she will be glad, when +she is well enough to be told." + +Fast and eagerly did Marian and Lionel talk all the way, sometimes +gravely and sorrowfully about Elliot and Caroline, sometimes cheerfully +about Fern Torr, Edmund, and Gerald, of whom Lionel wanted much to hear. +He clapped his hands, and danced himself up and down with ecstasy at the +history of Gerald's embellishments of the plans, vowed that Gerald was a +Trojan, and that it was as good as Beauty and the Beast, and seemed to +be enjoying a perfect holiday in having some one to speak to again. +"But," he said, "what a horrid bore it must have been to you to come +away!" + +"I thought I might be some help to Clara." + +"Did she make you think Caroline so very ill? Mr. Wells says it is only +a very bad cold. But I am very glad you are come." + +Clara met Marian in the hall. "O Marian, I am glad you are come, but +I am sorry you came home in such a hurry. Mamma says there was no +occasion, and that I need not have frightened you, for it is only a bad +attack of influenza." + +"Then I hope Caroline Is better." + +"Yes, rather, and she will be so glad to see you. Come to her at once, +won't you? she heard the carriage, and is watching for you." + +Marian hastily followed Clara to Caroline's room. In a few seconds both +Caroline's arms were thrown round her neck, and a burning feverish face +pressed to hers, then as she raised herself again, one of her hands +still held fast, and Caroline lay looking up to her with an expression +of relief and comfort. "Thank you," she murmured, in a hoarse low +painful whisper, the sound of which gave an impression of dismay to +Marian. Caroline was far worse than she had been prepared to sec her. +That loud, oppressed, gasping breathing, the burning fever of hands and +cheek, the parched lips,--this was far more than ordinary influenza. +Marian stood watching her a little while; speaking now and then, until +she closed her eyes in weariness, not for sleep, when she was about to +leave the room, but Caroline looked up again anxiously and restlessly, +and tried to say, "Come back." + +"Yes, I'll come in a moment," said Marian, "I'll only just take off my +bonnet, and go and see Mrs. Lyddell, if I may." + +"O, yes, she is up, she knows you are come," said Clara, and Marian was +presently knocking at Mrs. Lyddell's door. + +She found her sitting by the fire in a large easy chair, in her +dressing-gown and shawl, and was surprised at the first sight of her +too, for that very weakening complaint, the influenza, had made a great +change in her, perhaps assisted by all that she had gone through during +the last summer and autumn, beginning with the parting with John, the +grief and anxiety for Lionel, the disappointment and warfare with +Caroline, and worse than all, the discoveries respecting her eldest and +favourite son. She looked a dozen years older, all the clearness of her +complexion was gone, and the colouring that remained, as if ingrained, +was worse than paleness; her hand shook with weakness, and the only +trace of her prompt, decided activity was in the nervous agitation of +her movements, and the querulous sharpness of her tones, as if her +weakness was irritating to her. + +"Marian, how are you? I am sorry you have cut short your visit to +come back to a sick house. I am afraid Clara has been alarming you +needlessly." + +"I am very sorry to find you so unwell," said Marian; "I thought Clara +would want some help." + +"Thank you, it was very kind," said Mrs. Lyddell, rather sharply, as if +her thanks were only for form's sake. "Have you seen Caroline?" + +"Yes, and I am afraid she is very ill. Such a terrible oppression on her +breath." + +"Ah! so Clara says. Mr. Wells has been applying mustard poultices." + +"Have you had no further advice?" said Marian. + +"No. He managed me very well; he is perfectly competent to attend an +influenza such as this--a very simple affair." + +Mrs. Lyddell was evidently under the unreasonable infatuation that so +many people are subject to, who will go on trusting their favourite +apothecary, in spite of proofs that he is not to be trusted; but Marian, +in her short life, had heard a good deal of doctors, and whether +reasonably or not, had imbibed a distrust of country practitioners, +which Lionel's misfortune had not tended to remove in Mr. Wells' case. +Indeed, she had a particular dislike to the man, with his soft manner, +love of set speeches and fine words, and resolution not to own that +anything was the matter. There were stories abroad in the neighbourhood +of his treating cases wrongly because he would not own they were beyond +his skill. + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said she, very earnestly, "I do believe that Caroline is +very ill. I think her throat is in a very alarming state, and I should +not be at all satisfied to go on with no further advice." + +Mrs. Lyddell made some answer about girls being easily frightened, and +Marian went back to Caroline, very unhappy and anxious, and trying to +find comfort by telling herself that the cure does not depend alone on +the physician. + +However, the words she had spoken were not without effect. Mrs. +Lyddell's answer had been prompted by her first impulse of dislike and +opposition, as if Marian was taking still further upon her; but she +became very anxious when left alone. She thought that Marian's fresh eye +might be better able to judge of the degree of Caroline's illness; she +remembered how she had reproached herself about Lionel, and at last +worked herself into such a state of alarm and anxiety, that though she +had not yet walked further than to the window, she rose, left her room, +and presently was by her daughter's bed-side. + +There needed no more to convince her that Caroline was excessively ill, +and quick and prompt as ever, her first measure was to send Clara for +her father, and hold a consultation with him outside the door; a message +was despatched to hasten Mr. Wells, and the result was that a physician +was sent for. Marian, who had all this time been watching the severe +suffering, unable to do the least thing to alleviate it, was almost as +glad as if she had been told of Caroline's certain recovery. She had +again to tell herself not to put her trust in physicians. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + "Preach, read, and study as we will, + Death is the mighty teacher still." + + _Baptistery_. + + +Caroline continued very ill all the evening, hardly able to to look up, +and every attempt to speak or swallow causing her great pain. Her mother +would not leave her again, and sat watching her, and she smiled, and +gave a pleased look of surprise at her kindness, which she had so long +missed; but her chief comfort seemed to be in Marian's presence. She +followed her about the room with her eyes, and was uneasy whenever she +fancied that she was going out of the room. + +She was not told that the physician was coming till he was actually +in the house, and then she gave Marian a quick, sharp look of alarmed +inquiry; but Marian was not able to answer, as she had to leave her to +his visit. When it was over, and Marian returned, while Mrs. Lyddell +went to hear his opinion, Caroline was striving hard to speak. Marian +bent over her, and at last heard one word gasped out--"Walter." + +"Yes, I will tell Mr. Lyddell; he shall be sent for, dearest," said +Marian; and Caroline seemed satisfied. + +It was long before Marian had an opportunity of hearing what the +physician's opinion had been, and there was little comfort in it. It was +a very severe case of inflammation in the windpipe, and the only hope of +subduing it was in instant recourse to strong remedies. How badly it +was thought of she saw plainly enough, without words, in Mr. Lyddell's +restless, hasty manner, and in the exertions which Mrs. Lyddell was +allowed to make, at a time when she ought to have been in her bed. The +worst sign of all was, it seemed to her, that as soon as she mentioned +Caroline's wish to see Walter, Mr. Lyddell took measures for sending a +letter at once by the railroad, instead of waiting for the post, which +would have made a delay of two days. + +Lionel sat meanwhile, by himself in the drawing room, or was found +wandering on the stairs, anxiously listening. Marian came on him once, +and had exclaimed at finding him in the dark, before she remembered that +it made no difference to him. She was in haste to fetch something +for Caroline and could do nothing for him but say the sad words, "No +better." + +All night Mrs. Lyddell and Marian stayed with Caroline; the one because +she could not bear to go, the other because she could not be spared. +Mrs. Lyddell would not acknowledge the extent of the danger to herself, +far less allow any hint of it to come to Caroline; and for this Marian +was sorry, though she was sure that Caroline was conscious of it +herself; but with Mrs. Lyddell always present, it was impossible to read +any of the things that would have been the only support at such a time. +Poor Caroline could not speak to ask for them, and as if her mother +feared they would bring death, she seemed to be watching Marian +jealously to prevent the least approach to them. + +It was a terrible night; the applications did nothing but cause +suffering, instead of removing the disorder,--the oppression grew more +and more severe,--each breath more painful; the two watchers hardly +dared to meet each other's eyes, and Caroline was in too much pain, +too oppressed and overwhelmed, to give any token how far the mind and +thought was awake within her. Such another day succeeded, every hour +extinguishing some faint hope, and bringing the dread certainty more +fully upon them. There was little or nothing to be done: they could only +watch the sufferer, and try to glean her wishes from her looks; but +these usually expressed more of pain than aught else, and no one could +tell whether the ear and thought were free. One, at least, who sat +beside her prayed fervently, and trusted in hope and love; holding fast +by the certainty that Caroline had embraced the good part, and given up +the allurements of the world, in health, for the sake of the treasure to +which she was hastening. That last letter of her's was surely a proof +that she was ready; and who could wish to detain that worn, harassed +spirit from the repose where earthly cares shall "cease from troubling, +and where the weary are at rest?" Yet how Marian loved and clung to her, +and felt as if she could never bear to part, and lose the affection that +had been so long kept off by her own repulsive demeanour, but that +was so ardent and unreserved! How grievous to think of the blooming, +life-like creature that she was so lately, now so suddenly cut down! + +Hour after hour went by, bringing no change for the better. Day had +faded into twilight, and twilight became night. Midnight had come, and +Marian was still sitting, as she had done for more than an hour, holding +up the faint head; for Caroline could no longer breathe in a recumbent +posture, and sat partly supported on pillows, partly resting on Marian's +shoulder. Her eyes were shut, and she seemed unconscious; it might be +that she slept, but the features were full of suffering, and Marian +could feel each of her breaths, gasping and convulsive. Her mother hung +over her, feeling her pulse, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, +or walking to the foot of the bed to speak to Mr. Lyddell, or to the +apothecary, in the restless misery of despair. Mr. Lyddell came in and +out, unable to bear the sight, yet unable to stay away. Clara had been +too much overcome, and growing hysterical, had been sent away, and +advised to go to bed. Lionel, too, had been sent to bed, but his room +was in the same passage, and he lay with his door open, catching, with +his quickened ears, at every sound in the sick room, and hearing each +word of the hushed conferences that took place outside. + +A fresh tread was in the house--on the stairs--in the passage; Lionel's +heart could not help bounding at it, as it came so softly along. It was +the tread of the brother who, for his effort of courage and principle +had been allowed to leave home like an exile, and treated as an +offender. Lionel heard his father's step coming to meet him: how would +they meet? He could hear the movement as their hands grasped together, +and then Mr. Lyddell's smothered, choked whisper, "Only just in time, +Walter! she won't know you. Come!" + +"Is it so?" said Walter, in a low tone, as of one extremely choked and +overwhelmed. + +A sort of sob came before the answer, "Going fast." + +The steps moved on; Lionel could not stay where he was, dressed himself, +and felt his way to the sick room. He heard the stifled breathings: he +felt onward,--found he had hold of the bed-post, and leant against it, +unheeded by all, so intently were all watching Caroline. + +"Speak to her," was the first thing he heard whispered by the doctor. + +"Caroline!" said Walter's trembling voice, "dear Caroline!" + +Poor Lionel could not see how, at the call, the dark blue eyes once more +opened, and looked up in Walter's face; he only heard the steadier tone +in which the brother said the ministerial words, "Peace be with this +house!" + +The solemn calmness of the tone came gently and soothingly upon Lionel's +ear; and withal there spread over Caroline's face a gleam of joy, and +then a quiet stillness, as of a freedom from suffering. There was an +interval--a gasp--another interval--another gasp--a pause-- + +Marian's voice was the first, and very low and awe-struck. "It has been +without a struggle." + +A slight cry from his mother, and a confused movement, as if they were +lifting something--steps--he stood still, and the next moment felt +Marian's hand on his arm. "Mrs. Lyddell has fainted," said she, in +explanation; "Mr. Lyddell and Walter are taking her to her own room," + +Lionel clasped Marian's hand very tight, and each felt how the other was +trembling. "We must come away," said Marian; then hesitating, and with a +quivering whisper, she said, "Would you like to kiss her?" + +"Yes, let me!" + +It was strange to guide the blind brother to kiss the white brow of the +dead sister. Marian's throat was aching to such a degree with intense +feeling, that she could hardly utter a word; but Lionel, who could not +see, must hear. "She looks so calm, so sweet," said Marian struggling, +"but I must go to your mother. Let me take you to your room; I'll send +Walter to you. Lionel, Lionel, indeed she is happy!" said Marian, +earnestly, while Lionel burst into a flood of tears, wholesome tears, as +she led him from the room. + +She thought Walter would be the greatest comfort to him; and +recollecting Mrs. Lyddell had no woman with her but her maid, she told +Lionel she must go to his mother, ran down, and met Walter waiting in +the dressing-room. "Is she recovering?" + +"A little." + +"Will you go to Lionel?" + +"This instant, but--" and he looked at her earnestly. + +"Yes, yes," said she hastily, "it is all right and beautiful. Here's her +last letter; I've been reading it all day. Take it; you'll see how--" + +Marian's voice broke down, and she hastened to the open door of Mrs. +Lyddell's room. There was something for her to do in attempting to +restore her, for the maid was not helpful; and Mr. Lyddell stood at the +foot of the bed, as if all his powers were paralysed. Mr. Wells wanted +assistance; for Mrs. Lyddell, exhausted by watching and her previous +weakness, was in so sinking and depressed a state, as to need the +greatest care. + +Marian was employed in attending her till towards morning, when she sank +into a sleep. "You had better go to bed," said Mr. Lyddell, very kindly, +as Marian at length turned away from her, and stood by the fireside, +where he was sitting in the arm-chair, his hands over his forehead "I +must not let you overwork yourself." + +"O, I am not tired, if I can be of any use." + +"No, no, rest now, thank you," said he, in a broken, dejected tone. + +She went, and again found Walter in the outer room, watching for tidings +of his mother. "Asleep," she said. "Lionel?" + +"Asleep too, I hope. You are going to bed?" + +"Yes, thank you; but Clara--" + +"I will go to Clara the first thing in the morning. I shall sit up on my +father's account. Don't you think of it,--sleep as long as you can; you +have had watching enough." + +"I have been so glad," Marian said, in a tear-stilled whisper. + +"You cannot tell how I have longed to thank you, Marian, for what you +have been to her:" said Walter, speaking from the fulness of heart, +which overcame his natural reserve and bashfulness. "You are thanked +enough by our present feelings on the subject,--by that letter:--may I +keep it a little longer?" + +"O yes, yes!" cried Marian, hastily, disclaiming in her heart all his +thanks, though unable to do so with her lips. + +"It takes away all regret for the briefness of the illness," added +Walter, as if the speaking of it was a satisfaction he could hardly +relinquish. + +"I am sure she thought much; no one can tell what passed," said Marian, +in a low, broken murmur. + +"Little did I think last summer--" said Walter, aloud to himself. "Yes, +this is best, far best, if one could but feel it so!" + +Marian thought the same, and, like him, could not feel it; but unable to +express herself, she simply said, as soon as her tears would let her, +"Good-night," and went up to her own room. + +Fatigue came on her now. When she took off the dress she had worn since +leaving Fern Torr, she found her limbs stiff and aching, and her head +dizzy with weariness. She could hardly get through the operation of +undressing; and when she tried to say her prayers, they would not come. +She could only go through the LORD'S Prayer; and too worn out to be +shocked at herself more than in a dull way, scarcely even alive to the +recollection of what had happened, she laid herself down on the bed, +which seemed strangely soft, but for a long time was too tired to sleep. +With confused thoughts and exhausted spirits, she kept on feeling as +if her aching limbs belonged to somebody else, and going off into odd, +dreamy vagaries, each more uncomfortable than the last,--ever and anon +waking into a moment's remembrance that Caroline was dead, wondering at +herself for being so dull as only to think it strange, then losing the +consciousness again. At last the light of morning made her perceptions +clearer. Fanny knocked at her door, and brought her a cup of tea. +She heard that all was quiet,--said she would get up; but with that +resolution she suddenly became more easy, and while believing she was +getting up, fell into a sound sleep. + +She awoke refreshed, and entirely herself again, though feeling stunned +and bewildered by the all-pervading thought. Caroline dead! It seemed +as if it was not otherwise with the rest of the family. Her illness had +been so short, that there had been no time to grow familiar with the +idea of her danger; and it was the first death in the household that had +hitherto been so strong and confident in health,--the first touch that +taught them how little the world they loved was an abiding-place. So +sudden had been the stroke, that they seemed to pause and stand aghast +under it, scarcely conscious how deep the wound might be. Her father +went about the house, bowed down and stricken with grief, his tones low, +sorrowful, and so gentle when speaking to his children, or to Marian, +that they could scarcely be recognised as the same voice; but, without +a word, so far as Marian, Clara, or Lionel knew, of his daughter, or +of his own feelings. Her mother, already very weak, and suffering most +acutely from the remembrance of the coldness with which she had treated +her during the last autumn, became so seriously unwell, between a +return of influenza, and her extreme depression and nervous hysterical +agitation, that Marian and Clara were almost entirely occupied in +nursing her, and trying to soothe her. In this work they were little +successful. Marian had no hold on her affection, no power of talking +soothingly, though most anxious to do what she could, and distressed +excessively by her inability to be a comfort in the painful scenes which +she was obliged to witness. She almost thought her presence made things +worse, and that Mrs. Lyddell wished her away; but poor Clara was so +entirely helpless and frightened, clung to her in so imploring a way, +and was so incapable, from the restraint that had always subsisted +between her and her mother, of saying anything to comfort her, or +assuming any direction, that Marian was obliged, for her sake, to be +almost always in the room. The only thing Marian could do in the way +of consolation was to read aloud; she could not talk of the great +thankfulness, peace, and hope which she felt herself, to Mrs. Lyddell, +though she could have done so a little, with time, to Lionel, or even +Clara; she could only read, and whether this did any good, she knew not. +At any rate, it was what she ought to do; and the sound of the voice +going on continuously had certainly a calming effect. Walter used daily +to come and read, but this she did not seem to like, though she never +made any objection; and there was so much reason for guarding against +agitation and excitement, that he, never familiar with her, could not +venture to attempt speaking to her on the subject of which all their +hearts were full. It was only Mr. Lyddell who had any real serviceable +influence with her. Her hysterical attacks never came on in his +presence, and a few affectionate words or demonstrations from him would +soothe the very worst of them. Marian saw so much real tenderness in his +character, that she positively began to feel considerable affection for +him. + +Clara was entirely bewildered and frightened, hardly yet realizing +that she had lost her sister; perplexed and alarmed about her mother, +suddenly thrust forward, from being an unregarded child, into having +all the responsibilities of the eldest daughter of a sick mother on her +hands, she could only depend upon Marian, and hang on her for direction, +assistance, and consolation,--say "yes" to whatever she suggested, and +set about it; and whenever she felt lonely, sisterless, and wretched, +lean on her, pour out her grief, and feel that she had a kind listener, +though only a monosyllabic answerer. She used to have great fits of +crying at night, when they passed Caroline's door; and more than once +she was so inconsolable, that Marian was obliged to come and stay in her +room, and sleep all night with her arm clinging round her. Altogether, +it was very desolate and perplexing; and Marian was grieved at herself +for dwelling more on this, and on the loss of her dear companion and +friend, than on the hope and happiness that ought to occupy her. How +different in the two deaths she had known before, where there was none +of this weary, harassed, doubtful, careworn feeling; only the sorrow, +bitter indeed as it was, of the parting, but with time and scope for +dwelling on all thoughts of comfort, when they would come. + +Lionel had his brother, and was thus in the best hands; and she saw very +little of him except at meal-times, when all were silent and subdued. + +So passed the week before the funeral. Only the gentlemen attended it; +Marian and Clara stayed with Mrs. Lyddell, who went through the time +better than they had ventured to hope. She was altogether improved, and +was able to sit up a little in the evening. Lionel was to go the next +day to London, to be seen by the oculist; and her sanguine mind was +fastening itself on the hope of his recovery; and though there was +too much danger that she was only hoping in order to be the more +disappointed, yet the present relief was great. + +Marian and Clara went down to dinner somewhat cheered, and hoping to +carry satisfaction with them; but there was a deeper despondency in Mr. +Lyddell's air than ever. He scarcely seemed to know what he was doing; +and when at last dinner was over, he rose up, stood by the fire a +moment, coughed, said to Walter, "You tell them," and ran upstairs. + +There was a silence: each of the three dreaded to ask what was the +matter; Walter did not know how to begin. Marian began to think it was +some family misfortune, better mentioned in her absence, and was rising +to go away; but Walter exclaimed, "No, don't go, Marian; all the world +must know it soon, I fear." + +"Not Johnny!" cried Clara. "O, Walter, Walter, don't let it be Johnny!" + +"No," said Lionel; "I know it is something more about Elliot. Is it very +bad indeed, Walter?" + +"Very; I do not think he is going to tell my mother the full extent. +There was a letter from Paris this morning, from Captain Evans, saying +he thought it right that my father should be warned that Elliot is going +on there in his old way, and worse still, is reported to be on the brink +of a ruinous marriage." + +Clara was the first to break the silence of consternation. "Marriage! +and now! a Frenchwoman! O Walter, Walter it can't be true! he can't do +it now, at any rate!" + +"There is some hope that this may make a delay: it is the one chance +that my father trusts to," said Walter. "The history seems to be this, +as far as I can understand. When the discovery of all these debts came +on my father, he wrote Elliot a very indignant letter, refusing to be +answerable for any of them except that which Faulkner had guaranteed +which of course he paid at once. This letter seems to have stirred +Elliot up into a fit of passion; he went on more recklessly than ever, +and now is getting drawn into this miserable connection." + +"Yes, just like Elliot!" said Lionel. "And what is papa going to do?" + +"He means to go to Paris at once, sacrifice any thing, pay all the debts +at any cost, if he can only bring Elliot back with him, and save him +from ruining himself entirely." + +"But he is not going to tell mamma about the marriage, I hope?" said +Clara. + +"No, he will leave her to think it is only the old story, and that he +wants to see if anything can be done about the debts. There is a hope +that the news he must have had by this time may have checked him." + +"Perhaps it may be bringing him home," said Marian. + +"No, I fear he is too much involved to venture to England." + +Again following a silence; no one could think of anything consoling to +suggest; all were unwilling to heap censure upon one who deserved it but +too richly. Only Lionel was heard to give a sort of groan, find after a +time Clara asked, "Is it a Frenchwoman?" + +"Yes," said Walter; "a person connected with the theatres." + +The four again sat in mournful silence. + +"I suppose," said Lionel at length, "that my going to London had better +be put off till he comes back." + +"No," said Walter, "he wishes that to be done at once. We are all three +to go to London to-morrow, as was settled before; he will go with you to +see the oculist, and on to Dover by the night-train; and if the oculist +wishes to keep you, I shall stay with you in London till he comes back, +or till my mother and the rest can come." + +"Thank you," said Lionel, sighing; "I wish I could help it! Is not it +leaving a pretty state of things behind us, though? not that we are any +great good to the ladies to be sure!" + +"Yes, it is leaving you at a very sad time," said Walter, looking at the +two girls, "but we are hardly able to be of much use to my mother, and +if there was any prospect of your improvement, that they all say would +do her more good than anything else. However, my father said that must +be according to your feelings, Clara and Marian, if you were afraid to +be left with the charge of her, I would remain." + +One of Walter's awkward ways of putting the question, and it instantly +suggested to Clara to be afraid. + +"I am sure I shan't know what to do. Only think, Marian, for us to be +left--what should we do if mamma was to get suddenly worse? We should +have no one to help us, I shall be in such a nervous state, I could do +no good." + +"No, no, Clara, you won't," said Marian, whilst Walter had begun to +look in consternation at Clara. "Nobody ever has nerves when there is +anything to be done. You know Mrs. Lyddell is much better." + +"O but she will be so very unhappy and excited about papa's being +gone, and I am sure I shall never be able to conceal from her all this +dreadful business about Elliot." + +"Yes, you will," said Marian quietly. "We shall do very well indeed, it +cannot be for long, and if we wanted him we could get Walter home in a +few hours' time. If he can send us good news of Lionel, it will help us +much more than his staying here could do." + +"If dear Caroline,"--and Clara burst into a fit of weeping, which +obliged her to leave the room. Every one was feeling the same thing, +that Caroline, with her energy, good sense, and the power she had once +possessed with her mother, would have made all easy, and the sense of +missing her had come strongly upon them all. Marian followed Clara to +her own room, let her lean upon her and cry, wept with her, joined in +saying how grievous the loss was, and how much they had loved her, and +how they should want her every day and every hour, then called hack the +remembrance that Caroline had not been happy here, and had longed for +rest, and it was come to her, and they must not be selfish, but there +Clara cried more, saying that Marian never knew what a sister was, and +it was unkind to wish her to be glad. + +"I don't know," said Marian, pausing as her tears flowed fast, "I have +known death, Clara." + +"You weren't glad!" said Clara passionately. + +"I don't know," she said thinking, and speaking with difficulty. "Not +then, not always now, O no! But I always knew I ought to be glad, for +dear papa had suffered so much, I could not wish it to be going on +still--no, no. And dear mamma, when he was gone, it was a sad world for +her, she could only have wished to stay for our sakes. Yet, after the +first, I always felt it was right, and so will you too, Clara, in time." + +"If she was but here to help me!" sobbed Clara. + +"We must try," said Marian, "we can't be as useful and ready as she was, +but we will do our very best. I am sure Mrs. Lyddell likes to have you +sit with her." + +"Did you think so?" said Clara, ready to be cheered by any token, of +preference. + +"Yes, I saw how glad she was to have you instead of me, when you came in +from the garden." + +Clara looked pleased. + +"You will sit with her, and read to her, and I can help you when you +have too much on your hands at once. You see it is a great comfort to +Mr. Lyddell to have you to leave her with." + +The being made important was a great thing with Clara, and she was quite +reconciled to the prospect of her charge by the time they had to go down +stairs to tea. + +After tea Marian was left alone with Lionel, while Clara was with her +mother; and Walter in consultation with Mr. Lyddell, for here at least +was one benefit, that Walter seemed to have taken his proper place, and +to be a real comfort and help to his father in a way he had never hoped +for. + +"You've cheered up Clara, I hear in her voice," said Lionel. + +"O yes, we shall do very well." + +"Do you mind it, Marian?" said he, turning his ear towards her, as if +to judge by the minute intonations of her answer, as people do by the +expression of the countenance. + +Her reply was brave, "No, not at all." + +"Are you sure?" + +"Yes. I don't see what would be gained by keeping you and Walter here. +She does not depend on Walter as she does on your father, and all that +is required we can do as well without Walter in the house. It would be +nonsense to keep you merely for the feel of having some one, and for the +rest, I am sure Clara will be the better for being thrust forward, and +made useful." + +"Very well. I should not in the least mind waiting, for I have not much +hope myself, but it is just as well for oneself and every one else to be +put out of one's misery as soon as possible, and settle down into it." + +Marian remembered how differently he had spoken half a year ago, when +the danger first broke on him, and looking up she saw his steadfast +though mournful face. She spoke her thought. + +"It has been a great thing to have this long preparation." + +"Yes, I am glad of it, though I have been a great plague and nuisance to +every one, especially to you, Marian. I know what you're going to say, +so let alone that. I wish--. But no use talking of that, she was very +kind and we got very comfortable together after you were gone, Marian, +and I like to remember that." + +"Ah! I was sure you would. And Walter read you what she said about you?" + +"Yes, I wish--I little knew"--then suddenly "Marian, I'll tell you +something: one morning when you were gone, she had to read a bit of a +chapter in the Gospel about the healing the blind man, and you can't +think how hard she tried to get through it without breaking down, but +she could not. She cried at last, as if she could not help it, and then +she got up, and came and kissed me, and I felt her tears on my face. I +didn't know what to say, but that's what I like to remember." + +"And the Church-going on Christmas day," whispered Marian. + +"Ay, she led me up," said Lionel. + +"Everything is so very comforting," said Marian. + +"So Walter says." + +"Lionel, do you remember the print you and Gerald gave me long ago of S. +Margaret walking through the dark wood of this world, and subduing the +dragon? I am sure she is like it. She had all this world before her, and +she chose vexation and trouble instead of doing wrong! O Lionel, it is +very noble!" + +"That it is," said Lionel, "only things never seem so at the time. I +wish they did, but. I am glad my father saw it all right before, and +said he was glad she had given him up." + +"Yes, that is a comfort." + +"My poor father!" said Lionel presently, "I never guessed he cared so +much about--things. Do you know, Marian, I think even if I do get back +my eyes, I could not go after the Australian bulls, unless 'twas the +only way of getting a living." + +"I am glad you have put them out of your head," said Marian, smiling +sadly. + +"Ay, I was very mad upon them once," said Lionel, "but I see that eyes +or no eyes, we must set ourselves in earnest to be some sort of comfort +to them, and if Johnny is to be always at sea, I had better not be on +the other side of the world. If I am to see, why then it is all right; +if not, I'll do the best I can at home." + +"That's right, Lionel." + +"I can do a good deal already, I am no trouble to any one, am I? I can +go all over the house and park by myself, and find all my own goods +without any one's help, and I'll do more in time, so as to be no bother +to any one, and I do believe now they like to have me at home. Don't you +remember, Marian," and he lowered his voice confidentially, one reason +why I wanted to go to Australia, and make a fortune?" + +"Yes," said Marian, knowing that he meant his vision of winning love +from his parents. + +"Well, I think," said he, "that being blind has answered as well." + +A silence, then he went on, "I know what you meant now about a time when +I might he glad to have been blind. If Caroline had married that man, +she would not have died as happily as that, and there was an end of all +the trouble and vexation; so there will be an end to my blindness some +time or other, and it will keep me out of lots of mischief. I don't mean +that there is not plenty of opportunity of doing wrong as it is," he +added, "but not so much. Better be blind than like Elliot, and perhaps I +might have come to that." + +"O Lionel, it is such a comfort you can speak so!" + +"I've tried it now, and 'tis not so very bad," said Lionel, turning with +an odd mixture of smile and sadness, "besides I saw almost the last of +her face, and I should only miss her the more like her voice. I have got +her face stored up with all of yours. You know I shan't see when any of +you grow old and ugly, Marian. Well, and after all I am glad it is to +be settled now, I don't think I shall mind it near so much as I should +another time, now I have just heard all that over her grave. I got +Walter to read it to me all over again when we came home. It has been +very nice to have Walter." + +Marian guessed how Walter had strengthened and helped him, and she +judged rightly, but she did not know how silently he listened to all +Walter's talkings and readings, unable to pour out his full feeling to +any one but herself. + +The others came in from their different quarters, it was late, and +Marian was about to wish good night, when Walter in a low hurried voice +said to her and Clara, "Don't go yet, my father wishes to have prayers." + +A moment more and the servants came in, all were kneeling, and Marian's +tears of thankful joy were streaming fast as Walter read an evening +prayer. Was not Caroline glad? was the thought, as she recollected that +first morning, when all had seemed to her childish mind so dreary and +unhallowed, and when Caroline had lamented the omission. Yes! was not +Caroline glad, now that one of the dearest wishes of her heart had been +gained? Was she not glad of this first token that trouble had brought a +change over her father? + +Each fresh petition brought such a gush of earnest softened tears that +Marian's face bore evident traces of them, when she rose up, and had to +wish Mr. Lyddell good night. She did not speak, but held out her hand. +He spoke with difficulty, "My dear," he said, "I have wished to thank +you, but I cannot otherwise than by leaving more on your hands. Walter +has told you how it is with us. You are kind enough to help Clara. +I don't know what we should do without you. I rely on your judgment +entirely." + +"I'll do my best," said Marian, "I am glad to be of use." + +"You were _her_ best friend," said Mr. Lyddell hastily. "Well, good +night, thank you, my dear," and he kissed her forehead, as though she +had been his own daughter. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + "Let us be patient. These severe afflictions + Not from the ground arise + But oftentimes celestial benedictions + Assume this dark disguise. + + "We see but dimly through the mists and vapours + Amid these earthly damps + What seems to us but sad funereal tapers + May be heaven's distant lamps." + + LONGFELLOW. + + +There were morning prayers before the hurried breakfast, which was +interspersed with numerous directions about what was to be done for Mrs. +Lyddell, and what letters were to be sent after Mr. Lyddell. Lionel was +grave and silent, as became one whose fate was in the balance, without +either shrinking or bravado; but somewhat as if he was more inclined, +than had been the case last night, to hope for a favorable result. +With heartfelt prayers did Marian watch him as be crossed the hall and +entered the carriage, calling out a cheerful good-bye,--prayers that, if +it were the will of Heaven, his affliction might be removed; but that if +not, help might be given him to turn it into a blessing, as he seemed +almost to be beginning to do. His father, too,--little had Marian ever +thought to feel for him the affectionate compassion and sympathy, of +which she was now sensible, as she responded to his kind, fatherly +farewell, and thought of what he must be feeling; obliged to leave his +wife in so anxious and suffering a state; his daughter, the pride of the +family, removed so suddenly; his most promising son probably blind for +life; his eldest, a grief, pain, and shame to them all. Marian must pray +for him too, that he might be supported and aided through these most +bitter trials, and that the work which they had begun in him might go on +and be perfected; that these troubles, grievous as they were, might in +his ease also turn to blessings. + +The occupation of the two girls was all day the care of Mrs. Lyddell. +She was not worse, as far as bodily ailments went; the attack of cold, +brought on by leaving her room to attend on Caroline, had gone off, +and her strength was in some degree returning; but she was restless, +excited, irritable, and with an inability to restrain herself, that was +more alarming than Marian liked to own to herself, far less to Clara. + +She insisted on getting up at an earlier hour than she had hitherto +attempted; she was worn out and wearied with dressing; she was impatient +and vexed with Clara, for some mistake about her pillows; and the +trembling of her hand, as she was eating some broth, was uncontrollable. +The broth was not what she liked, and she would send for the +housekeeper, to reprove her about it; asked questions about the +arrangements, found them not as she wished; spoke sharply, said no one +took heed to anything while she was ill, and then burst into a fit of +weeping at the thought of the daughter who would have been able to +supply her place. + +This spent itself, (for the girls were unable to do anything effectual +in soothing it away); the doctors made their daily visit, and cheered +her up a little. The consequence of this exhilaration was, that she +began talking about Lionel, and anticipating his perfect recovery; +arranging how they were all to go and join him in London, and working +herself up to a state of great excitement; pettish with Marian for not +being able to answer her hopefully, and at last, hysterically laughing +at the picture she drew of Lionel with restored sight. + +Marian asked if she would be read to, and took up a serious book, with +which she had put her to sleep two or three times before, but nothing +of the kind would she hear; and as the best chance of at least quieting +her, Marian went on a voyage of discovery among the club books down +stairs, and brought up a book of travels, and a novel. Mrs. Lyddell +chose the novel; it was a very exciting story, and caught the attention +of all three. Marian grew eager about it, and was well pleased to go on; +and so it occupied them most of the afternoon and evening, driving out a +great deal of care, as Marian could not help gratefully acknowledging, +though she would willingly have had space to work out with herself the +question, whether care had best be driven out or grappled with. Mrs. +Lyddell was indeed in no state to grapple with it, and there was nothing +to be done but to take the best present means of distracting her +attention; yet it was to be feared that, though put aside, the enemy was +not conquered,--and might there not be worse to come? + +It was about half-past seven and the two girls were drinking tea with +Mrs. Lyddell in her room. She was just beginning to make herself unhappy +about Mr. Lyddell's late journey and night-voyage, when there was a tap +at the door, and on the answer, "Come in!" it opened, and Lionel stood +there. + +There was a sudden exclamation: they all three sprang up and looked at +him, but alas! it was still by feeling that he came forward, though his +countenance was cheerful, and there was a smile upon his lips. + +"Well, mamma," he said, in a brave, almost a lively tone, "you must +be content to have me at home." And in answer to their broken, half +expressed interrogations, "No, he can't do any thing for me; so it was +not worth while to stay any longer in London. How are you this evening, +mamma?" + +He was guiding himself towards her chair, one hand on the table; she +threw herself forward to meet him, flung her arms round his neck and +sobbed, "My boy, my poor dear boy! O Lionel! it has been all my fault +and neglect!" + +"No, no, don't--don't say that, mamma!" said Lionel, extremely +distressed by her weeping, and not knowing where to rest her, as she +hung with her whole weight abandoned on him. Marian and Clara were +obliged to help him, and seat her in her chair again; while she still +wept piteously, and poor Lionel stood, hearing the sobs, and very much +grieved. "Ought I not to have told her?" said he to Marian. "I thought +if she saw I could bear it, it would be better than writing." + +"Yes, yes, you did quite right; she will be better presently." + +She was soon better, and leaning back on her pillows exhausted, looked +up at the fine tall boy before her, the glow of youth and health on his +face, spirit and enterprise in every feature,--but those large blue +eyes, bright as they were, for ever darkened and useless. + +"O Lionel!" she sighed again. + +"The man behaved very well," said Lionel; "he did not plague me at all. +He only pulled up my eyelids--so--and studied them, and I suppose he +gave some sign to my father, for I heard him make a noise that showed me +how I was; so I asked. He told me there was not a chance, and made me +understand the rights of it; and so here I am. Never mind, mamma, there +was a tendency to it all my life, and nothing would have stopped it in +the end; and now I know what it is, I have no doubt but I shall do very +well. I mean to be like the blind man that unharnessed all the horses in +the middle of the night, when the coach was upset, and no one else was +of any use." + +He stopped once or twice in his harangue, to judge how his mother was, +by her breathings; and he spoke with a smile and look of resolution +and eagerness, as he concluded with another "Never mind, mamma, for I +don't." She took hold of his hand, and pressed it, too much overcome to +speak. + +"Is papa gone?" asked Clara. + +"Yes." And Lionel proceeded to give a message which he had sent back. + +"And where's Walter?" + +"In the drawing-room." + +More people were already in the room than Marian thought good for Mrs. +Lyddell; and understanding Clara's wishes, she went down to speak to +Walter, to carry a message that his mother would see him after tea, and +to arrange for a substantial supper for the two youths, who had had no +dinner. + +Walter was waiting anxiously to know how his mother had endured the +tidings. + +"She was very much, overcome at first," said Marian; "but now she has +had a good cry, she will be more likely to go to sleep quietly. Poor +Lionel! he did it admirably." + +"It has been his chief thought," said Walter. "He begged to come home at +once, saying it would be the best way to have it over before night; +it would save all hoping and worrying, about him; and the instant we +arrived, he ran straight up stairs." + +Walter and Marian were not familiar enough to say it to each other, but +both were comparing his present conduct with his former bitterness of +spirit against his mother. Death, sorrow, anxiety, and illness had drawn +close the cords of love, and opened the well-springs of affection, so +long choked up and soured by neglect and worldly care. + +"How did he bear it at the first?" + +"Bravely; he had wound himself up. He was flushing and turning pale all +through the journey; but when once he came to the door, he was as calm +and steady as possible. My father was much more agitated; he would lead +Lionel himself, and very nearly threw him down the steps. You should +have seen how Lionel never flinched,--did not let one feature quiver +while he was being turned round to the light and examined. We saw how it +was by the doctor's face, but Lionel spoke first, as--no, more steadily, +than I can tell it, 'There is nothing to be done, then?'--attended more +firmly to the explanation of the causes than we could, spoke as freely +as if it had been about some indifferent case. The doctor was quite +struck with it. He shook hands with him when he went, and kept me a +moment after, to say, of all the many cases he had seen, he had never +known greater resolution,--never seen any one he had been more sorry +for. However, it was not only that,--that might have been the pride of +firmness; but it has been the same all along. He set himself to cheer my +father, who was very much overcome; and ever since has been telling me +of all his schemes for employment, and arranging how to spare my mother +as much as possible. Yes, he is a fine fellow!" said Walter, stopping +with a heavy sigh. + +"I am sure he will make himself happy," said Marian earnestly; "you +don't know how many resources he has, and you see how wonderfully +independent he is already." + +"Yes," said Walter, sadly; "but though I know it is all right--to see +what he might have been! But that is mere nonsense," he added, catching +himself up; "we should never have known what was in him; and perhaps he +would have been very different." + +Not a word expressed of Walter's sincere thankfulness for the change +that affliction was bringing on them. + +Lionel came down presently, Marian presided at their tea, and would have +enjoyed it very much, if she had not been sorry Clara should not be +relieved from her harassing attendance up stairs. But her mother could +not spare her, and perhaps the being positively useful, and pulled by +force out of her childishness, was the best thing for her. + +"Marian, I hope you will be able to ride with me to-morrow, if mamma +does not want you?" said Lionel. + +Walter looked full of inquiry and consternation. + +"If we can manage it," said Marian, cheerfully; though now that the +custom had been disused for a time, she did not like the notion quite +so well as before; since she could not now even figure to herself that +Lionel guided himself at all, He had said it chiefly for the purpose +of asserting his intention of continuing the practice, and was quite +satisfied by her answer. + +Walter went up stairs to his mother shortly after, and Lionel was left +alone with Marian. + +"I am sure I hope it won't hurt her," said he; "I thought it was best to +have it out at once." + +"Much the best, since it was to come." + +"Yes," he said, pausing for some space, then exclaiming, "I don't know, +though! I thought it would be better to know the worst, and have one's +mind made up; but I don't think 'tis more comfortable, after all. I +should like to get back that little spark of hope I had this morning! +O, Marian, there was one time when the sun shone out full, and so warm, +exactly on my face, and some one in the train said it was a glorious +winter day. It was close by Slough; I knew we were in sight of the +castle, and perhaps one might see the chapel, and the trees in the +playing-fields. I thought soon, I might be seeing it all again: and +I vow, Marian, I could have leaped from here to Windsor at the bare +thought. It was being a great fool, to be sure; but as we came back, I +was half glad it was dark, so that nobody else could see it." + +"Yet I am sure your last half year at Eton was no happy time; you went +through a great deal." + +"I'd do it all again, if I could see as much as I did then," said +Lionel. "I don't mind it so much in general now; I get on much better +than I thought I should, and it is not nearly as bad now I am quite in +the dark, and wake up to it, as when the glimmer of light was going. I +can do very well, except when a great gush--I don't know what to call +it--great rush of remembering the sky and all sorts of things comes +on me, and I know it is to be darkness always. Then!--but it is all +nonsense talking of it. I shall get the better of that, some day or +other, I suppose. But I did not think, yesterday, that the being sure of +it would be half so bad!" + +"You braced yourself yesterday, and that helped you to-day." + +"Yes; and then there was my father,--he has enough to vex him, without +knowing all this. And, after all, it is nothing; I've got plenty to do, +and I'll manage it capitally. I'll tell you what, Marian, if mamma can +spare you, we'll ride to Salisbury, and get some of that good twine, and +I'll make Gerald the fishing-net you said he wanted." + +Lionel had hitherto never consented to learn to net. + +Mrs. Lyddell was better the next day, and all was quiet and prosperous, +so that Walter could write a satisfactory account to his father. Clara +had a good walk with her brothers in the morning, and in the afternoon +the ride took effect: Marian came into Mrs. Lyddell's room in her habit, +and gave notice, "we are going to ride," so much as if it was a matter +of course that Mrs. Lyddell asked no questions, and feared no dangers. +Walter went with them, and Marian could have wished him away, for he was +so anxious and nervous as very nearly to make her the same, and though +he said nothing of his anxieties, Lionel found them out, and told him +in his old gruff way that there was nothing to be in a taking about; +indeed, Lionel was the more inclined to be adventurous in order to show +himself entirely at his ease. + +However, nothing went wrong, and Marian and he both felt it a point +gained that their riding together was established. A few days passed +on quietly and gravely, a pause of waiting and suspense. Mrs. +Lyddell, though less ill, was not materially improved as regarded the +excitability of her spirits. She would be excessively depressed at +one time, at another in such high spirits as were much more alarming. +Sometimes she would talk about their being all ruined and undone, and go +on rapidly to say they must give up the house in London, retrench, live +on nothing; at others she anticipated Mr. Lyddell's bringing Elliot +back, all his debts paid, to live at home and be a comfort, or some +friend was to give Walter a great living, or Clara was to come out, and +to be presented in the summer. At the same time the fretful irritability +of nerve and temper continued, and any unusual excitement, the talking a +little longer in her room, a letter, or a little disappointment, would +keep her awake all night. One thing, however, seemed certain, that +Lionel's presence had some of the same power over her as her husband's; +she was too much occupied with watching him, to work herself into her +anxious excited moods, and now that he had grown more familiar with her, +his cheerful lively way of speaking always refreshed and pleased her. He +would come in, in a glow of bright health, from a quick walk or ride in +the clear frosty air, and show such genuine pleasure and animation +as must console those who were grieving for his privation; he would +undertake her messages, and find things in a wonderful manner, and he +liked to listen to the reading aloud that always went on in her room. +When Lionel came in, Marian and Clara always felt relieved from half +their present care. + +At last came a letter from Mr. Lyddell to Walter. The worst of his +fears were fulfilled. Elliot was actually married, and report had not +exaggerated the disgrace of the connection. Mr. Lyddell had not chosen +to see him, and intended to be at home, by the end of the next day, +after they would receive the letter. + +It was a great shock, but perhaps none of the four young people had +such lively hopes of Elliot as to be very much overwhelmed by the +disappointment, as far as he was individually concerned. He had never +been a kind elder brother to Clara or Lionel, and it was only Walter who +could have any of those recollections of a childhood spent together, +which would make the loss of intercourse personally painful. They had +all been brought up to a sort of loyal feeling towards Elliot as the +eldest, and to think his extravagance almost a matter of course, but +only the tie of blood, and sympathy for their parents could cause them +any acute pain on his account. + +For their parents they were greatly grieved, for Elliot had with all +his faults, been their especial pride and hope, and the effect on Mrs. +Lyddell in her present state was very much to be apprehended. It was a +comfort however that it was decided in full council that they might put +off the evil day of telling her, for there was no occasion that she +should be informed till her husband returned. He came the next day, and +very worn down, broken and oldened did he look, as he returned to his +mourning household. Not a word did he say in public of the object of his +journey, and all that transpired to Marian, through Lionel, who heard +it from Walter, was "that it was as bad as bad could be; it was thought +Elliot had done it out of spite, at any rate he was never likely to +bring his wife to England." Neither did Mrs. Lyddell speak of it, and +Marian only knew that she had been informed of it, by the increased +excitability and irritation of her nerves. Poor Clara underwent +plenty of scolding, for she was the only victim, since Mrs. Lyddell's +continuous dislike to Marian kept her on her ordinary terms of +ceremony, scarcely ever asking her to do her any service, thanking her +scrupulously, and never finding fault to her face. + +Marian was at first very sorry for Clara, who was bewildered, and +disconcerted, but after a day or two, things seemed to right themselves +wonderfully. Clara grew used to the fretfulness, and was no longer +frightened by it, nor made unhappy, but learnt how to meet it and smooth +it down without being hurt by it. It was surely the instinct of natural +affection, for inferior in every way as she was to Marian, yet in her +mother's sick room she suddenly acquired all the tact, power, and +management that Marian failed in. Hitherto she had been childish and +astray, as if she wanted her vocation; now she had found it, and settled +admirably into it, acquiring a sense, energy, and activity that no one +could have supposed her capable of. + +Outside that room, she was the same Clara still, without much either of +rational tastes or conversation, afraid of her father, and not much of a +companion to her brother, helpless in everything that did not regard her +mother, and clinging to Marian for help and direction, Marian must speak +for her, tell her what to say if she had to write a note, take the +responsibility of every arrangement. Nothing was much harder than to +shove Clara forward into becoming the ostensible lady of the house, +as it seemed as if she must continue for some time to come, since the +doctors spoke of the most absolute rest and freedom from excitement +being necessary to restore her mother's shattered health and spirits. +She was to see no visitors, be soothed as much as possible, have no +cares or anxieties brought to her, be only moderately occupied and +amused, or the nervous attacks would return. Marian had a suspicion that +they feared for her mind. She became stronger, was able to rise earlier, +and to drive out in the carriage, but she never dined with the family, +and remained in her sitting room up stairs, with Clara for her regular +attendant, and visits from the rest. + +Walter returned to his curacy as soon as he could be spared, and Lionel +became, as usual, chiefly dependent on Marian, who read to him, walked +with him, rode with him, assisted him in his contrivances for helping +himself, and was his constant guide and companion; doing at the same +time all she could for Clara's service, but keeping in the back ground +and making Clara do all the representative part for herself. + +They missed Caroline every hour of the day, far more since they had +settled into an every-day course of habits and most especially in the +evening and at meal times. There always used to be so much conversation +going on at dinner and now no one seemed to say anything; Clara sat at +the head of the table in awe of her father, Lionel and Marian did not +feel disposed to talk in their own way before him there never had been +any freedom of intercourse, and nobody knew how to begin. + +Marian thought the silent party very sad and forlorn for poor Mr. +Lyddell, and that it must remind him grievously of the state of his +family. Some one must talk, but how were they ever to begin? She was the +worst person in the world to do it, yet try she must. + +She began talking over the ride they had taken that day, but Clara was +not at her ease enough to ask questions, or make observations, Lionel +did not second her, and Mr. Lyddell said no more than "O." Another day +she tried giving a history of a call that had been made by some of their +neighbors, but nobody would be interested. How could she be so stupid? +She almost dreaded dinner time. At last one day, she luckily cast her +eyes on the newspaper, and it is a melancholy truth that the sight of a +horrid murder gave her a certain degree of satisfaction! She began about +it at dinner, when every one talked about it, every one had some view as +to the perpetrator, and it really carried them through all dinner time +without one dreary tract of silence, and served them on a second day. + +A second day and a third, for more intelligence came out, and then +luckily for her, came a revolution, next a dreadful accident, and at +last the habit of talking became so well established that there was no +need to look for topics in the newspaper. It was without an effort that +she could originate a remark addressed to Mr. Lyddell. Lionel began to +shake off his old schoolboy reserves, and rattle on freely. Clara grew +more at ease, and Mr. Lyddell began to be entertained, to be drawn into +the conversation, and to narrate his day's doings, just as of old +when his wife was there, pleased with their interest in them, making +explanations, and diverted with Lionel's merry comments. + +It was however dreary and uncomfortable, with all these vague anxieties +for Mrs. Lyddell, and with the whole house in the unsettled state +consequent on missing its moving power. The servants had been used to +depend on her, and could not go on without her; they teased Clara, +and Clara teased Marian about them, no one knew what to do, nor what +authority to assume, and the petty vexations were endless that were +borne by the two girls rather than annoy Mr. Lyddell; perplexities, +doubts whether they were doing what was wise or right by the house or by +the servants; Marian's good sense making her judge the right, but her +awkwardness, and Clara's incapacity, breaking down in the execution; +continual worry and no dignity in it. + +The loss of Caroline as a companion was severely felt. Marian had not +been fully conscious how very closely entwined their hearts had been, +how necessary they had grown to each other even before those latter days +of full confidence. Every pursuit was mixed up with Caroline, every walk +recalled her, every annoyance would have given way at her light touch. +There was no one left with whom Marian could have anything like the +conversations they had been used to enjoy from almost the earliest +days of her coming to Oakworthy. Lionel was indeed a very agreeable +companion, nay more, a friend, full of right feeling, principle, good +sense, thought, and liveliness; but a younger boy could never make up +for the loss of such a friend of her own sex. Each evening as she sat +over the fire in her room, her heart ached with longing for Caroline's +tap at the door, or with the wish to go and knock at hers, and then the +thrill at thinking that there was only gloom and vacancy in her room. +Had they but found each other out before! But oh! how much better to +think of her as she did of her own parents, added to her store in +Paradise, than to see her the wife of that man, unhappy as she must have +been unless she had lost all that was excellent and hopeful. + +These thoughts would comfort Marian when she went up to bed, harassed, +weary, disgusted with cares and vexations, and craving for rest and +sympathy. She thought of the home that awaited her at Fern Torr, the +hope that had carried her through last autumn, but withal came a dim +vague perception that a great sacrifice might be before her. Would it be +right to seek her own happiness and repose there, and leave the Lyddells +to their present distress? She did not think she was of much use, Clara +was all-sufficient for her mother, and Marian was rather less liked by +Mrs. Lyddell than formerly; but as a support to Clara, as a companion to +Lionel, and as some one to talk to Mr. Lyddell, she was not absolutely +useless. She had no doubt Clara and Lionel would miss her sadly, indeed +it would be unkind to leave them, it would be positively wrong to +forsake them when she was of some value, and go where she could not +suppose herself to be actually wanted, though she might be loved and +cherished. Yet to give up that beloved hope! The vision that had +delighted her from the first years of her orphanhood; the hope become +tangible beyond all expectations, the wish of her heart. To give up +home, Edmund and Agnes, for this weary life! How could she? But it was +not worth while to think about it yet, things might change, before they +were ready for her, Mrs. Lyddell might recover, Clara and Lionel might +grow sufficient for each other, anything might, would or should happen, +rather than she would give up her beloved hope of the home she longed +for, especially now the house was actually building, and each letter +brought her accounts of its progress. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + "Perchance it was ours on life's journey to enter + Some path through whose shadows no lovelight was thrown, + With heart that could breast the fierce storms of its winter, + And gather the wealth of its harvest alone; + It is well there are stars in bright heaven to guide us + To heights we ne'er dreamt of,--but oh, to forget + The fortunes that bar, and the gulfs that divide us + From paths that looked lovely, with some we have met." + + F. BROWNE. + + +Many weeks had passed away, and nothing had changed, in any +material way, since the spring. Mrs. Lyddell's condition was still +unsatisfactory, and she seemed to be settling into a confirmed state of +ill health, and almost of hypochondriacism. So many shocks, following +each other in such quick succession, on a person entirely unprepared by +nature, experience or self-regulation, had entirely broken her down, and +shattered her nerves and spirits in a manner which she seemed less and +less like to recover. She was only able to rise late in the day, take a +short drive, and after dining in her own room, come down in the evening, +if they were alone, and it was a good day with her. + +No change, neither sea air, nor London advice, had made much difference, +and her condition had become so habitual, that her family had ceased to +expect any considerable amendment; and it was likely that Clara would, +for many years, have full employment as her companion and attendant. +Lionel was perfectly, hopelessly blind, but growing reconciled to his +misfortune, and habituated to the privation, as well as resigned in +will. His natural character, of a high-spirited, joyous, enterprising +boy, showed itself still in his independence and fearlessness, joined to +cheerfulness, and enlivened the house. He had even gone the length of +talking freely and drolly to his father, and Mr. Lyddell had learnt to +smile, and even laugh at his fun. + +There had been fears that the removal to London, for the session of +Parliament, would be a great privation to him, since he would miss the +wandering about the downs by himself, and the riding with Marian; but +his temper and spirits did not fail. He walked every day with her, and +was entertained with all he heard, both by his own quick ears, and by +her description. They went to exhibitions, where she saw for him, and +there were lectures, readings, and other oral amusements, to which his +father, or some good-natured friend, would take him. He began to acquire +a taste for music, which he had hitherto never cared to hear, and +concerts became a great delight to him: though he had not the correct +ear, and admirable appreciation of music, that often, in blind persons, +seems like a compensation for the loss of the pleasures of the eye. + +Lady Marchmont became very kind to him. She was thoroughly good natured, +and the sight of the blind youth, whose arm Marian held as they walked +together, stirred all her kindly feelings. He was gentlemanlike +and pleasant looking, and his manner, now divested of schoolboy +_brusquerie_, was frank and confiding. Selina was disposed to like him, +and to be interested in him. She found, too, that Marian did not like to +go out when his amusement was not provided for; so at first for Marian's +sake, then for his own, she made him join them when they went to +concerts, or to any other amusement that could gratify him. Her bright +liveliness and spirited way of talking, won him; and it delighted Marian +to see what great friends they became, even to the length of laughing +over the old Wreath of Beauty story together. And when at length she was +brought, of her own accord, in some degree to patronise Clara, it was a +triumph indeed; and Mrs. Lyddell was more obliged to Marian than for all +the real benefits she had conferred, when she saw Clara dressed to go to +a party at Lady Marchmont's. + +All this time Marian was becoming more and more a prey to that secret +doubt, whether it might not be a duty to give up her cherished hope of a +home at Fern Torr. She did not see how she could be spared. Clara was an +admirable attendant on her mother, and was becoming a better mistress of +the house; but she was not able to be at the same time a companion to +her father and Lionel, and, poor girl, she would be very forlorn and +much at a loss, without Marian's elder sisterhood; for the sense of help +and reliance that Marian's presence gave her was little less. For her to +go away, would be to bring home to Clara the loss of Caroline more than +she had ever been left to feel it. + +Yet, on the other hand, Clara was no companion. They talked, indeed, but +they never discussed,--never had any interchange of higher sympathies or +reflections; it was not getting beyond the immediate matter in hand; +and often Marian, would be sensible that, if her own pleasure were +consulted, a walk or ride, with her thoughts free to range in meditation +or day-dream, was preferable to Clara's chatter. + +Her own pleasure,--that she enjoyed but little, and less now than ever, +for her time was never her own. There was Lionel on her hands almost +every day, to be read to, or walked with; and if he went out with his +father, or spent an hour in his mother's room, there was Clara wanting +her quite as much, for gossip, exercise, or consultation. Mrs. Lyddell, +too, must be visited; for though Marian was not the most beloved, +or most welcome person in the world, yet a change of society and +conversation was desirable, both for her sake and Clara's; so more +than two hours every day were spent in her sitting-room. Then, in the +evening, Marian's thoughts and ears must be free for Mr. Lyddell and +Lionel. All her own pursuits were at an end, she had hardly touched a +pencil the whole year, nor opened a German book, nor indeed any book, +excepting what she read to Lionel, and these were many. She was very +seldom able to enjoy the luxury of being alone; she could hardly even +write her letters, except by sitting up for them; and even the valuable +hour before midnight was not certain to be her own, for if Clara had no +other time to pour out her cares, she used to come then, and linger in +her cousin's room, reiterating petty perplexities, endless in detail. + +How delightful to escape from all this, to quietness, peace, freedom +from her own cares and other people's,--Fern Torr air and scenery, +Edmund and Agnes for companions, and liberty to teach school children, +go about among her own people, do good in her own way, and enjoy her own +studies. It was like a captive longing to be set free,--a wanderer in +sight of home. + +But the captive paused on the threshold of the dungeon; the wanderer +stood still on the brow of the last hill. Marian paced up and down her +own room, and thought and reasoned half aloud,-- + + "Sweet is the smile of home, the mutual look, + When hearts are of each other sure; + Sweet all the joys that crown the household nook, + The haunt of all affections pure: + Yet in the world even these abide, and we + Above the world our calling boast." + +"And I am making them the world, if for their sake I give up what my +conscience calls on me to do. I know, though I do little good here, my +going away would make them more uncomfortable. Have I any right to seek +my pleasure? But I should do more good there; I should go to school, +read to the poor people, go to Church in the week, be more improved +myself. O that home of peace and joy! And Gerald--my first duty is to +him. But what harm would it do him? I could go home for his holidays. I +must not deceive myself; I have been put in the way of positive duties +here, or rather, ways of being useful have grown up round me. Is it +right to run away from them,--poor Lionel, poor Clara! Would not every +weary hour of Lionel's--every time Clara was teased, and teased +her father,--be my fault? But how Edmund and Agnes will be +disappointed!--they who will have been throwing away so much kind care! +O you goose of a Marian! are you going to fancy it is for your sake that +they mean to marry? don't you think they can do very well without you? +How very silly to be sorry that it must be so!--how very, very silly! +And even Gerald will marry one of these days, and will not want me; and +shall I always be alone then? For as to that other sort of affection, I +am sure it is quite certain that I can never care for any body enough to +marry,--never half as well as for Gerald. No, no one will ever love me +as I do others; every one has some one nearer to them; a lonely life, +and never a home! Well, then there is a home somewhere else, and those +who made my earthly home are waiting for me there, in the Land of the +Leal." + +Such was the tenor of Marian's oft-repeated musings. The practical +result was a resolution to consult Edmund when she should go to Fern +Torr to his wedding, early in August. She could not write her pros and +cons, but to Edmund she could tell them, and trust to him as a just and +impartial judge; and if Agnes was angry, it would serve them, thought +Marian, smiling, for a quarrel, for they won't have many other chances +of one. + +However, the time drew on when, behold, every one's calculations were +disturbed by a sudden dissolution of Parliament. Hitherto such events +had not made much difference to the Lyddells; as Mr. Lyddell's election +had been, for the last twenty years, unopposed; and the only doubt +at present was, whether he thought it worth while to stand again, +considering that he was growing old and weary of business, and besides +could not well afford the London house. + +He had been hinting something of the kind to Lionel and Marian in the +evening, as a matter under consideration and they had heard it with +joy, when the next morning made a sudden change in affairs, by bringing +tidings that Mr. Faulkner was soliciting the votes of Mr. Lyddell's +constituents on the opposite interest, taking the wrong side of the +question,--a most important one, upon which the dissolution had taken +place. + +Here was indignation indeed. There was something so unfeeling in such a +proceeding, on his part, that the mildest word spoken against him was +Marian's, and that was "atrocious." To give up was one thing, to be thus +turned out was quite another; and it was clearly right to the moral +sense, as well as satisfactory to the indignant temper, that Mr. Lyddell +should oppose "to the last gasp," as the furious Lionel expressed it, +one who espoused principles so pernicious both in politics and religion. +One thing was certain, that nobody would ever wish again that Caroline +had married him. Ill as Mr. Lyddell could afford the expense of a +contested election, his blood was up, and he was determined not to yield +an inch. Never had Marian believed she could grow so vehement about +anything that concerned him, but now her whole soul seemed to be in his +success. He had always been on the right side; and now that a steadily +growing sense of religion was influencing all his actions, he was just +the fit person for his position, and Marian could, on principle, wish +earnestly to see him retain it, for his own sake, as well as to keep out +Mr. Faulkner. But, alas! poor Marian, that the ministers should have +chosen this precise time, so as just to bring the election the very week +of Edmund's wedding! + +What was to be done? Mrs. Lyddell could not believe that an election +would go on right without dinner-parties of every visitable individual +in the county; and how was Clara to manage them all? Mrs. Lyddell's only +experiment, in coming into the room when there was company, had done her +so much harm, that it was not on any account to be repeated; and her +restlessness and anxiety,--her persuasion that nothing could be done +well in which she was not concerned,--made the keeping her quiet a more +anxious business than even the receiving company. There was Mr. Lyddell +wanting to have lists written, and needing all sorts of small helps to +which he had been used from his active wife; everything came on the two +girls, and Marian did not see how she could be spared even for the three +days it would take to go to the wedding. + +Perhaps that excitement about the election would have somewhat dulled +the acuteness of the sacrifice, if it had not been for what was to come +after it. The die must be cast without consultation with Edmund; she +must write and tell them that their kind design for her was in vain. + +Gerald was at Oakworthy for the first week of his holidays, and he was +the only person she could call to hold council with her. She had some +difficulty in catching him; for he was galloping about with messages +all day, figuring to himself that he produced a grand effect in the +canvass,--making caricatures, describing them to Lionel, and conducting +him wherever he was not expected to be seen. However, catch him she did, +at bed-time, and pulling him into her room, propounded her difficulty. + +"Gerald, I don't see how I am ever to manage to go with you to their +wedding." + +Ha? don't you? Well, it would be a pity to lose the nomination-day, and +the show of hands; I should travel all night to be in time, but you +could not, I suppose?" + +"I? why you don't think I should go to it?" + +"Lionel will--I am to take care of Lionel. Can't you go? What a bore it +must be to be a woman! Well, then, why don't you come to the wedding?" + +"Because I think Clara will get into such a fuss, if there is no one to +help her at the dinner the evening before. There is Mrs. Pringle coming +to dine and sleep, so it can't be only a gentleman's party: and there is +so much to do." + +"Whew! it will be very stupid of you not to come; and how Agnes will +scold! But I suppose yen can't be everywhere. One would give up +something for the sake of beating such a rogue as that Faulkner." + +"If we were but sure of doing it." + +"Sure! Why we shall smash him to shivers, if one fortieth part of the +people are but as good as their word. Did I tell you, Marian, how I +answered that old farmer to-day?" &c., &c., all which Marian had to +hear, before she could get him back to the matter in hand. + +"I am almost sorry to give up those three days," he said, "though it is +for their wedding; but you see, Marian," and the boy spoke with his air +of consequence, "I think it is expected of me, and they would all be +disappointed. It would not look as if it was well between Edmund and mo, +if I was not present; but you can please yourself, you know." + +"Yes, yes, you could not stay away," said Marian; "I should be very +sorry that you should. You must go." + +"And if I come away that afternoon, I may be back by the mail train by +one at night, and be in time for the show of hands. Hurrah! I've a'mind +to write to Jemmy, to buy up all the rotten eggs in Fern Torr." + +"You wild animal! But do be sensible a little while, Gerald, for I have +something serious to ask your advice upon." + +"Well,"--and all the wisdom of sixteen was at her service. + +"I want to know what you think about my living here, or at Fern Torr?" + +"Hollo! why I thought it was settled long ago that you were to live at +the Quarry with them." + +"So it was; but I don't know whether I am not more wanted here than +there." + +"You don't mean that that have changed their mind, and don't want to +have you?" + +"Not a bit--O dear, no! but I think, somehow, Clara and Lionel find me +of more use than they would." + +"To be sure, this place would be in a pretty tolerable sort of a mess +without you. I don't know how any of them would get on." + +"Well, then, I wanted your opinion, Gerald; I had better tell Edmund and +Agnes that I ought to stay on here." + +"But what am I to do? I mean to be at Fern Torr in the holidays, I +assure you, except a week or two, just to see Lionel; and I don't mean +to have my holidays without you, I declare!" + +"O, I hope always to come home for them." + +"Why, then, if I have you when I am at home, I don't care,--I mean--" +said Gerald, conscious of the egotism he was committing, "I mean you +don't like it half so well, do you?" + +"O no--I mean--I don't know--" + +"Which do you mean?" + +"I don't know--at least, of course, I had rather be with Edmund and +Agnes than anybody else, except you; but then, if I was thinking Lionel +had no one to read to him, or to ride with, or that Mrs. Lyddell was +worse, and Clara unhappy, I could hardly enjoy it." + +"You would not think so much about it if you were away from them." + +"Perhaps not, but it would be the same, and it would haunt me at night." + +"But, Marian, you can't give up Edmund and Agnes now they have built a +room for you." + +"I must have it when I come for your holidays." + +"Well, you must do as you please," said Gerald. + +"And you won't be vexed?" + +"Vexed! Why should I? It is nothing to me, if I have you when I am at +home; and, indeed, I don't see what poor Lionel would do without you. I +suppose it is the best way, since you like it; only you must settle it +with Agnes your own way. I shall tell her it is not my fault. Won't she +be in a rage, that's all!" + +With which sentence Sir Gerald's acquiescence was conveyed, with little +perception of the struggle in his sister's mind, and of the pain and +grief it was to her to write to her cousin and friend, begging them to +release her from her promise. + +As to the rest of the house, they never appeared to think at all about +her quitting them; or if Clara and Lionel did, perchance, remember that +it had been spoken of, they hoped it had blown over, and dreaded the +revival of the idea too much to refer to it. Not one of the whole family +guessed that to them was sacrificed the most treasured project of +Marian's life. + +She had made up her mind, but she could not bear to write to tell her +friend that her plans were frustrated; so it was to Edmund that she +wrote the full detail of her reasons and regrets, begging him to forgive +her, and to make her peace with Agnes; while she begged Mrs. Wortley to +excuse her for missing the wedding. + +Edmund's answer was just what she wished, and indeed expected. "You are +right," he said, "and it is of no use to tell you how sorry we are. It +is impossible to be so selfish as to wish you to act otherwise, and in +process of time you may perhaps obtain Agnes' pardon: in the mean time +we never walk to the Quarry, without her abusing you for giving so much +trouble for nothing. I would only advise one thing, namely, that you +make no promise nor engagement respecting your place of residence, since +circumstances may alter; and you had better not feel yourself bound. +With this proviso we resign you to your own judgment, and to the place +where you seem indeed at present to be most wanted." + +So wrote Edmund: Agnes did not write at all. Marian announced that she +had given up going to the wedding. Clara was sorry she should miss it, +but could not guess how she should have managed without her; and no +one else had leisure to think at all, or else considered it quite as a +matter of course that site should not go away when she was wanted. + +If any one had, seven years, or even one year ago, told Marian how she +would spend that bridal day, her incredulity would have been complete. +So absorbed was she in Mr. Lyddell's election affairs that she hardly +had time to think about it, between hopes and alarms, doubts and +intelligence, visitors and preparations, notes to be written and papers +to be found, Clara to be helped, Mrs. Lyddell to be kept quiet, Lionel's +news to hear, the dinner party to be entertained. Very differently had +Marian now learnt to sit in company from former days. She had a motive +now, in the wish to help Clara, and all her distant coldness had melted +into a quiet, kind, obliging manner, which had taught her to take +genuine interest even in common-place people, and caused it to be said +that Miss Arundel had ceased to be shy and haughty. It was all one +whirl, leaving no time for sitting down, and still less for musing. +Lionel went indeed with his father to the committee-room, and was there +half the day; for his services were wonderful, and particularly his +memory for names and places, to which Mr. Lyddell declared he would +rather trust than to any memorandum. He was thus out of Marian's way all +the morning, but there was enough to occupy her without him, and in the +afternoon he came home, full of news, and especially full of glory, in +a conquest of his own, a doubtful voter, whom he had recollected, and +undertaken to secure, had made the servant drive him round that way, +canvassed on his own account, and obtained a promise, extracted as +Marian suspected, by admiration of the blind young gentleman's high +spirit and independence. + +Mr. Lyddell was particularly delighted; when became home very late, just +before the eight o'clock dinner, he came up into his wife's room, and +told her the whole story, told Marian all over again on the stairs, and +told it a third time to some of the dinner guests, before Lionel came +down. Marian saw he valued that vote above all the rest. + +Busy as the day had been, Marian was resolved to sit up till her +brother's return at two o'clock in the morning, to hear his tidings, and +she expected to enjoy the space for thinking; but the thoughts would +not be settled, and instead of dwelling on Edmund and Agnes, she found +herself continually going back to the voters' list, and counting up the +forces on each side. Then she grew sleepy, and fell into a long musing +dream of shapeless fancies, woke herself, tried to write to Agnes, and +went off into her former vision of felicity in the house at the Quarry, +which she indulged in, forgetting that she had renounced it. At last +came the sounds of a carriage, and of opening doors. She met Gerald on +the stairs, but he was sleepy and would say little. "It had all gone off +very well--yes--nobody cried--he had a bit of wedding-cake for her, and +here was a note, she should hear all about it another time;"--yawn, and +he shut himself into his own room. That was all Marian obtained by her +vigil. You, there was the note, put in with the wedding cards. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--I can't relieve my mind by scolding + you, and I don't know what else you have a right to + expect after the way you have treated us. They tell me I + must write, and I have not a word to say, though I always + promised you should have the first letter from + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "AGNES ARUNDEL." + +Wild as ever, thought Marian, as a little disappointed, she laid down +the note, but she understood how Agnes had felt obliged to write, in +hurry and agitation, and just because she felt deeply, had been unable +to express herself otherwise than what some people would call foolishly +and unsuitably. + +There was not much more of the wedding to be heard from Gerald the next +morning, for he was full of the nomination, and proud of having Lionel +under his especial charge. + +This day was as wild a bustle as the former one, and there was still +more excitement in the evening. Of course the show of hands had been in +favour of Mr. Faulkner, of course he and his proposer and seconder had +behaved one only more disgracefully than the other, of course the rabble +bad behaved shamefully, and the boys were almost beside themselves with +wrath; and besides the details of all these matters-of-course, the boys +had adventures of their own, for somehow Gerald and Lionel had been left +in the midst of a vituperative mob, out of which Gerald had brought off +his companion in a most spirited and successful way, without letting +any one discover Lionel's blindness, which would have been the most +efficient protection for both. Again and again Marian was told of the +gallant way in which both boys had conducted themselves, and proud and +pleased was she. + +Mr. Lyddell lost his seat, and the boys were half mad, a hundred times +more concerned than he was himself, while Marian moralized to herself +on why it was allowed to happen that he should be set aside from public +life, just when he would have begun to act on truly sound principles. +And yet perhaps the leisure he thus obtained, and the seclusion from the +whirl of politics were the very things he needed, to draw him entirely +apart from the world which had so long engrossed him. + +It was about sis weeks after this that Mr. and Mrs. Edmund Arundel, in +acceptance of a warm invitation from Mr. Lyddell, were driving along +the white road leading to Oakworthy, after a very pleasant visit to the +Marchmonts, when Selina had treated Agnes so affectionately, as to cause +her to forget all past neglect, and had, as Edmund said, scaled their +friendship, by raving at Marian's decision, "It was too bad," said she, +"when they had given up London,--the only thing that made it tolerable." + +To which, however, Agnes did not quite agree. + +"And now," said she, "I shall see whether Marian is happy." + +"I don't believe you wish her to be so," said Edmund. + +"No, I am not quite so spiteful," rejoined Agnes, "but in order to +forgive her, I must think it a very great sacrifice." + +"And have a marvellously high estimate of our two selves," said Edmund. + +"What do I see?" said Agnes. "Look at those two people riding on the +down up there against the sky, don't you see their figures? It is a +lady. Gould it be Marian? No, she is riding so close to the other--he +can't be a servant." + +"Lionel, I suspect," said Edmund. + +"The poor blind boy! O surely she does not ride alone with him! O what a +pretty cantering on the turf. It is really Marian, I see now. How I do +like to see her ride." + +A moment or two more, and descending from the high green slope, the two +riders were on the road meeting the carriage. Marian looked her best +on horseback, with her excellent seat, and easy, fearless manner, her +little hat and feathers became her fine features, and the air and +exercise gave them animation, which made her more like a picture of +Velasquez and less like a Grecian statue than she was at any other time. +Lionel rode almost close to her, a bright glow of sunshine on his lively +face, and a dexterity and quickness in his whole air that made Agnes +hesitate for a second or two, whether he could really be the blind +youth. A joyous "How d'ye do?" was called out on each side. "Well, +Lionel," then said Edmund, "are you quite well?" + +"O yes, thank you," replied a gay voice, "we thought we would see if we +could not meet you." + +"We rode over the down," said Marian, "and we are going back the same +way. We shall be at home as soon as you are. Good-bye. To the right, +Lionel." + +And they were seen trotting up the hill again, then as the carriage came +in sight of the front door, there was Lionel jumping Marian down from +her saddle. Agnes did not know how to believe that he could not see, as +she watched his upright bearing, and rapid, fearless step, so unlike the +groping ways of persons who have lost their sight later in life. + +Clara presently came down, and Agnes was struck with her more thoughtful +face, and collected manner, so unlike the giddy child she had last seen, +not intellectual indeed, but quiet, lady-like, and sensible. And as to +Mr. Lyddell, he looked so worn and so much older, so subdued in manner, +and so free from those over civilities of former times, that Agnes made +up her mind that he must not be hated. + +Of Mrs. Lyddell she saw very little, only sitting in her room for an +hour each morning, as a visitor, but it was evident she was very much +out of health, and a great charge to them all. Agnes could be sorry for +her, but could not like her while she did not speak more cordially of +Marian. All praise of her had something forced and against the grain, +and Agnes thought her intensely ungrateful. + +Lionel interested Agnes extremely, with his happy, independent ways, +unrepining temper and spirit of enterprise. He was always eager about +some contrivance of his own, and just at this time it was wood-carving. +His left hand showed as much sticking-plaster as skin, and he used to +come into the drawing-room with it wrapped up in his handkerchief and +say, "Here's another, Marian," when Marian very quietly produced her +sticking-plaster, as if it was quite an ordinary matter; nay, would +not follow up the suggestion that he should not have so sharp a knife, +saying that it was much better to cut one's finger with a sharp knife +than a blunt one. He had cut about twenty bits of wood to waste, to say +nothing of hands, but he persevered with amusing energy, and before the +end of the visit had achieved a capital old man's head for the top of a +walking stick, which he presented to Edmund. He promised Agnes a set of +silk winders, and in the mean time made great friends with her, getting +her to tell him about her brother's sporting adventures, and in return +making himself very amusing with relations out of his sailor brother's +letters. Johnny had been concerned in the great exploit of climbing the +Peter Bottle mountain, and Lionel was as proud of it as if he had done +it himself, making Marian show everybody a drawing which Gerald had made +of the appearance that Johnny must have cut, standing on one leg on the +highest stone. They were also struck with the change in the manner in +which Walter was regarded, and the pride and affection with which all +the family spoke of his doings at his curacy. + +But that Marian, though not prominent, and apparently merely a guest, +was necessary to the comfort of each member of the family, was a thing +that at the end of a fortnight, Agnes could not deny. Nor could she +attempt to make up a case to show that she and her husband were equally +in want of her. + +"So, Marian," said she, as they parted, "I forgive you on condition of +your spending Christmas with us." + +"And I ought to forgive you," said Edmund, "in consideration of the +fulfilment of my prediction that you would not be able to leave the +Lyddells when I was ready to receive you." + +Marian smiled, and watched them from the door. As they lost sight of +the house, Edmund turned to his wife, saying, "How little we are fit to +order events! Here, Agnes, I looked back at this house six years ago +in a sort of despair. I was ready to reproach Providence, to reproach +everything. I thought I saw my uncle's children in the way to be ruined, +all his work undone, and there was I, unable to act, and yet with the +responsibility of the care of them. I tell you, Agnes, I never was so +wretched in my life. And yet what short-sightedness! There has Marian +been, placed, like a witness of the truth, calm, firm, constant, +guarding herself and her brother first, and then softening, and winning +all that came under her influence." + +"Oh! but, Edmund, your coming home saved Gerald," said the wife, who +could not see her husband's credit given away even to Marian. + +"I brought the experience and authority that she could not have, but +vain would have been my attempts without the sense of right she had +always kept up in his mind. Trouble has done much for those Lyddells, +but I don't believe that without her, it would have had that effect: +When I remember what Mr. Lyddell was, his carelessness, the painful +manner in which he used to talk; when I see him now, when I think of +what that poor Caroline was saved from, when I see the alteration in +Clara, and watch that blind boy, then I see indeed that our little +Marian, whom we thought thrown away and spoilt, was sent there to be +a blessing. If she had been naturally a winning, gentle, persuasive +person, I should have thought less of the wonder; but in her it is +the simple force of goodness, undecorated. I once feared the constant +opposition in which she lived, would harden her, but instead, she has +softened, sweetened, and lost all that was hard and haughty in her ways, +when it was no longer needed for a protection. Selina Marchmont has +failed too in giving her the exclusive spirit which I once feared +for her. It is as if she had a spell for passing through the world +unscathed." + +"And you think she is happy?" + +"As happy as those that never look for their happiness in this world." + +Agnes sighed. "My vision has always been," said she, "to see Marian as +happy as--ourselves." + +"She may be yet," said Edmund smiling, "but she has the best sort of +happiness. She is in less danger of clinging to this world than we are. +And somehow she gives me the impression of one too high and noble to +seek her happiness in the way in which most people look for it. Yes, +we ourselves, Agnes, we have a nest and home in this world; she stands +above it, and her only relation with it is to make others happy." + +"She little thinks how we talk of her," said Agnes. "And still stranger +it is, that with the reverence I have for her, I can play with her and +scold her." + +A silence; ending with Agnes repeating, + + "GOOD LORD, through this world's troubled way + Thy children's course secure; + And lead them onward day by day, + Kindly like Thee and pure. + + "Be theirs to do Thy work of love, + All erring souls to win; + Amid a sinful world to move, + Yet give no smile to sin." + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Two Guardians, by Charlotte Mary Yonge + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + +***** This file should be named 9926.txt or 9926.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/9/9/2/9926/ + +Produced by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and +the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..afe024f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #9926 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/9926) diff --git a/old/72grd10.txt b/old/72grd10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b93c96c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/72grd10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14388 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Two Guardians, by Charlotte Mary Yonge + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Two Guardians + +Author: Charlotte Mary Yonge + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9926] +[This file was first posted on October 31, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: US-ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + + + + +E-text prepared by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +THE TWO GUARDIANS + +or, HOME IN THIS WORLD + +by CHARLOTTE MARY YONGE + +THE AUTHOR OF "THE HEIR OF REDCLYFFE," "HENRIETTA'S WISH," "KENNETH," +"HEARTSEASE," "THE CASTLE BUILDERS," ETC. + +1871 + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Stay here, Marian! I don't care if all the world heard +me."] + + + +PREFACE. + + +In putting forth another work, the Author is anxious to say a few words +on the design of these stories; not with a view to obviate criticism, +but in hopes of pointing to the moral, which has been thought not +sufficiently evident, perhaps because it has been desired to convey, +rather than directly inculcate it. + +Throughout these tales the plan has been to present a picture of +ordinary life, with its small daily events, its pleasures, and its +trials, so as to draw out its capabilities of being turned to the best +account. Great events, such as befall only a few, are thus excluded, +and in the hope of helping to present a clue, by example, to the +perplexities of daily life, the incidents, which render a story +exciting, have been sacrificed, and the attempt has been to make the +interest of the books depend on character painting. + +Each has been written with the wish to illustrate some principle which +may be called the key note. "Abbeychurch" is intended to show the need +of self-control and the evil of conceit in different manifestations; +according to the various characters, "Scenes and Characters" was meant +to exemplify the effects of being guided by mere feeling, set in +contrast with strict adherence to duty. In "Henrietta's Wish" the +opposition is between wilfulness and submission--filial submission as +required, in the young people, and that of which it is a commencement as +well as a type, as instanced in Mrs. Frederick Langford. The design of +the "Castle Builders" is to show the instability and dissatisfaction of +mind occasioned by the want of a practical, obedient course of daily +life; with an especial view to the consequences of not seeking strength +and assistance in the appointed means of grace. + +And as the very opposite to Emmeline's feeble character, the heroine +of the present story is intended to set forth the manner in which a +Christian may contend with and conquer this world, living in it but not +of it, and rendering it a means of self-renunciation. It is therefore +purposely that the end presents no great event, and leaves Marian +unrecompensed save by the effects her consistent well doing has +produced on her companions. Any other compensation would render her +self-sacrifice incomplete, and make her no longer invisibly above the +world. + +_October 14th_, 1852. + + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + "With fearless pride I say + That she is healthful, fleet, and strong + And down the rocks will leap along, + Like rivulets in May." + + WORDSWORTH. + + +Along a beautiful Devonshire lane, with banks of rock overhung by tall +bowery hedges, rode a lively and merry pair, now laughing and talking, +now summoning by call or whistle the spaniel that ran by their side, or +careered through the fields within the hedge. + +The younger was a maiden of about twelve years old, in a long black and +white plaid riding-skirt, over a pink gingham frock, and her dark hair +hidden beneath a little cap furnished with a long green veil, which +was allowed to stream behind her in the wind, instead of affording the +intended shelter to a complexion already a shade or two darkened by the +summer sun, but with little colour in the cheeks; and what there was, +only the pale pink glow like a wild rose, called up for the moment +by warmth and exercise, and soon to pass away. Still there was no +appearance of want of health; the skin was of a clear, soft, fresh shade +of brown; the large dark eyes, in spite of all their depth of melancholy +softness, had the wild, untamed animation of a mountaineer; the face and +form were full of free life and vigour, as she sat erect and perfectly +at ease on her spirited little bay pony, which at times seemed so lively +that it might have been matter of surprise to a stranger that so young a +horsewoman should be trusted on its back. + +Her companion was a youth some ten or eleven years her senior, +possessing a handsome set of regular features, with a good deal of +family likeness to hers; dark eyes and hair, and a figure which, though +slight, was rather too tall to look suitable to the small, stout, strong +pony which carried him and his numerous equipments, consisting of a long +rod-case, a fishing-basket and landing-net, in accordance with the lines +of artificial flies wreathed round his straw hat, and the various oddly +contrived pockets of his grey shooting-coat. + +In the distance at the end of the lane there appeared two walking +figures. "Mrs. Wortley!" exclaimed the young lady. + +"No, surely not out so soon!" was the answer. "She is in the depth of +lessons." + +"No, but Edmund, it is, look, and Agnes too! There, Ranger has better +eyes than you; he is racing to them." + +"Well, I acknowledge my mistake," said Edmund, drawing up his rein as +they came upon the pair,--a pleasing lady, and a pretty blue-eyed girl +of fourteen. "I did not believe my eyes, Mrs. Wortley, though Marian +tried to persuade me. I thought you were always reading Italian at this +time in the morning, Agnes". + +"And I thought you were reading Phaedrus with Gerald," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"Ay," said Agnes, "we did not know what to make of you coming up the +lane; you with your lance there, like the Red Cross Knight himself, and +Marian with her palfry for Una." + +"The knight must have borrowed the dwarf's ass," said Edmund, laughing, +and putting his lance in rest. + +"And where have you been, then, at this portentous time of day, Agnes?" +asked Marian. + +"We heard a report of Betty Lapthorn's child having another fit," said +Agnes, "and set off to see; but it turned out to be a false alarm. And +now we are going up to the Manor House to ask Lady Arundel if she has +any arrowroot for it, for ours is all used up." + +"Shall we find her at leisure?" added Mrs. Wortley. + +"Yes," said Marian. "Gerald has finished his lessons by this time. +Mamma thought it would be too far for him to go with us, and besides he +frightens the fish." + +"Which you are in too good training to do, Marian," said Mrs. Wortley. +"And how is your papa to-day?" + +"Oh, it is a good day," said Marian: "he was up before we set off." + +"Down stairs? For perhaps we had better not go now, just after he is +tired with coming down," said Mrs. Wortley. "Now, Mr. Arundel, you will +tell me honestly, and this arrowroot will do just as well another time; +or if Marian will carry home the message--" + +"Well," said Edmund, smiling, "to give you a proof of my sincerity, I +think you had better perhaps go rather later in the day. My uncle very +unnecessarily hurried himself, thinking that he was keeping me waiting +to help him down stairs, and I thought he seemed rather tired; but he +will be very glad to see you in the afternoon. Indeed, he would be very +glad now, only you asked me as a question of prudence." + +"Don't make civil speeches at the end to spoil just such a reply as I +wanted," said Mrs. Wortley. "I am afraid you do not think Sir Edmund +much better since you were last at home." + +Edmund shook his head. "If he has not lost ground, it is well," said he, +"and I think at least there is less pain." + +"Well, I will not keep you any longer," said Mrs. Wortley; "good-bye, +and good sport to you." + +And with a wave of the hand on rode the two cousins, Edmund and Marian +Arundel. + +"What an excellent thing it is for the village that those Wortleys are +come!" said Edmund. + +"Yes; now that mamma cannot attend much to the school and poor people, I +don't know what we should do without them. How different it was in old +Mr. May's time! I hope we shall get the Church set to rights now, when +papa is well enough to attend to it." + +"It is high time, certainly," said Edmund; "our Church is almost a +disgrace to us, especially with the Arundel aisle, to show what our +ancestors did." + +"No, not quite to us," said Marian; "you know papa would have done it +all long ago, if the idea had not vexed poor old Mr. May so much. But +Ranger! Ranger! where is Ranger, Edmund?" + +Edmund whistled, and presently, with whirring, rushing wing, there flew +over the hedge beside them a covey of partridges, followed by Ranger's +eager bark. Marian's pony started, danced, and capered; Edmund watched +her with considerable anxiety, but she reined it in with a steady, +dexterous, though not a strong hand, kept her seat well, and rode on in +triumph, while Edmund exclaimed, "Capital, Marian!" Then looking back, +"What a shot that was!" he added in a sort of parenthesis, continuing, +"I am proud, Mayflower is not a bit too much for you now, though I think +we must have given her up if you had had another tumble." + +"Oh, no, no, I do so delight in Mayflower, pretty creature!" said +Marian, patting her neck. "I like to feel that the creature I ride is +alive--not an old slug, like that animal which you are upon, Edmund." + +"That is decidedly ungrateful of you, Marian, when you learnt to ride +upon this identical slug, and owe the safety of your neck to its quiet +propensities. Now take care down this stony hill; hold her up well--that +is right." + +Care was certainly needed as they descended the steep hill side; the +road, or rather pathway, cut out between high, steep, limestone rocks, +and here and there even bare of earth. Any one but a native would have +trembled at such a descent but though the cousins paid attention to +their progress, they had no doubts or alarms. At the bottom a clear +sparkling stream traversed the road, where, for the convenience of foot +passengers, a huge flat stone had been thrown across from one high bank +to the other, so as to form a romantic bridge. Marian, however, did not +avail herself of it, but rode gallantly through the shallow water, only +looking back at it to observe to Edmund, "We must make a sketch of that +some day or other." + +"I am afraid we cannot get far enough off," said Edmund, "to make a good +drawing of it. Too many things go to the making of the picturesque." + +"Yes, I know, but that is what I never can understand. I see by woeful +experience that what is pretty in itself will not make a pretty drawing, +and everyone says so; but I never could find out why." + +"Perhaps because we cannot represent it adequately." + +"Yes, but there is another puzzle; you sometimes see an exact +representation, which is not really a picture at all. Don't you know +that thing that the man who came to the door did of our house,--the +trees all green, and the sky all blue, and the moors all purple?" + +"As like as it can stare; yes, I know." + +"Well, why does that not satisfy us? why is it not a picture?" + +"Because it stares, I suppose. Why does not that picture of my aunt +at Mrs. Week's cottage satisfy you as well as the chalk sketch in the +dining-room?" + +"Because it has none of herself--her spirit." + +"Well, I should say that nature has a self and a spirit which must be +caught, or else the Chinese would be the greatest artists on the face of +the earth." + +"Yes, but why does an archway, or two trees standing up so as to +enclose the landscape, or--or any of those things that do to put in the +foreground, why do they enable you to make a picture, to catch this self +and spirit." + +"Make the phial to enclose the genie," said Edmund. "Abstruse questions, +Marian; but perhaps it is because they contract the space, so as to +bring it more to the level of our capacity, make it less grand, and more +what we can get into keeping. To be sure, he would be a presumptuous man +who tried to make an exact likeness of that," he added, as they reached +the top of the hill, and found themselves on an open common, with here +and there a mass of rock peeping up, but for the most part covered with +purple heath and short furze, through which Ranger coursed, barking +joyously. The view was splendid, on one side the moors rising one +behind the other, till they faded in grey distance, each crowned with +a fantastic pile of rocks, one in the form of a castle, another of +a cathedral, another of a huge crouching lion, all known to the two +cousins by name, and owned as familiar friends. On the other side, +between two hills, each surmounted by its own rocky crest, lay nestled +in woods the grey Church tower and cottages of the village of Fern Torr; +and far away stretched the rich landscape of field, wood, and pasture, +ending at length in the blue line of horizon, where sky and sea seemed +to join. + +"Beautiful! how clear!" was all Marian's exclamation, though she drew +up her horse and gazed with eager eyes, and a deep feeling of the +loveliness of the scene, but with scarcely a remark. There was something +in the sight which made her heart too full for words. + +After a time of delighted contemplation, Ranger was summoned from a +close investigation of a rabbit-hole, and turning into a cart track, +the cousins rode down the side of the hill, where presently appeared +an orchard full of gnarled old apple trees, covered with fruit of all +shades of red, yellow, and green. A little further on were the large +stone barns, and picturesque looking house, which enclosed a farm-yard +strewn with heaps of straw, in which pigs, poultry, and red cows were +enjoying themselves. The gate was opened by a wild-looking cow-boy, who +very respectfully touched his cap; and at the house door appeared a nice +elderly looking old fashioned farmer's wife, who came forward to meet +them with bright looks of cordiality, and kindly greetings to Master +Edmund and Miss Marian. + +"Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund, as he held +Marian's pony; "we are come to ask if you will give our ponies stable +room for a couple of hours, while we go fishing up the river." + +"O yes, certainly, sir, but won't you come in a little while and rest? +it is a long walk for Miss Marian." + +They did comply with her invitation so far as to enter the large clean +kitchen; the kitchen for show, that is to say, with the sanded floor, +the bunch of evergreens in the covered kitchen-range, the dark old +fashioned clock, the bright range of crockery, and well polished oaken +table; and there, while Marian laid aside her riding-skirt, the good +woman commenced her anxious inquiries for Sir Edmund. + +"Pretty much the same as usual, thank you," said Edmund. + +"No better, then, sir? Ah! I was afraid how it was; it is so long since +I have seen him at church, and he used to come sometimes last summer: +and my husband said when he saw him last week about the rent, he was so +fallen away that he would hardly have known him." + +"It has been a very long illness," said Edmund. + +"Yes, sir; I do wish we could see him about among us again, speaking as +cheerful as he used." + +"Why he is very cheerful now, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund. "No one +who only heard him talk would guess how much he has to suffer." + +Mrs. Cornthwayte shook her head with a sort of gesture of compassionate +admiration, and presently added, + +"But do you think he gets better on the whole, Master Edmund? Do the +doctors say there is much likelihood of his being well again, and coming +among us?" + +Edmund looked down and did not reply very readily. "I am afraid we must +not hope for that; we must be satisfied as long as he does not lose +ground, and I certainly think he has had less pain of late." + +A little more conversation passed between Edmund and the good wife, and +a few words from Marian; after which they set off across one or two +fields towards the place of their destination, Marian carrying her +little sketching-basket in silence for some distance, until she suddenly +exclaimed, "Edmund, is papa really getting worse?" + +"Why should you think so, Marian?" + +"I don't know, only from what you say when people inquire after him; and +sometimes when I come to think about it, I believe he can do less than +last year. He gets up later, and does not go out so often, and now you +say he will never get quite well, and I always thought he would." + +"No, I am afraid there is no likelihood of that, Marian: the doctors say +he may be much better, but never quite well." + +"But do you think he is better?" + +"He has had less suffering of late, certainly, and so far we must be +thankful; but, as you say, Marian, I am afraid he is weaker than last +time I was at home, and I thought him much altered when I came. Still I +do not think him materially worse, and I believe I might have thought +him improved, if I had been here all the winter." + +Marian became silent again, for her disposition was not to express her +feelings readily, and besides, she was young enough to be able to put +aside anxiety which, perhaps, she did not fully comprehend. It was the +ordinary state of things for her father to be unwell, and his illness +scarcely weighed upon her spirits, especially on a holiday and day of +pleasure like the present; for though she often shared Edmund's walks +and rides, a long expedition like this was an unusual treat. + +After traversing several fields, they entered a winding path through a +copse, which, descending a steep hill side, conducted them at length to +the verge of a clear stream, which danced over or round the numerous +rocks which obstructed its passage, making a pleasant, rippling sound. +Here and there under the overhanging trees were deep quiet pools, where +the water, of clear transparent brown color, contained numbers of little +trout, the object of Edmund's pursuit. But more frequently the water +splashed, dashed, and brawled along its rocky way, at the bottom of +the narrow wooded ravine in which the valley ended. It was indeed a +beautiful scene, with the sun glancing on the green of the trees and +the bright sparkling water; and Marian could scarcely restrain her +exclamations of delight, out of consideration for the silence required +by her cousin's sport. She helped him to put his rod together, and +arrange his reel, with the dexterity of one who well understood the +matter; and then sat down under a fern-covered rock with a book in her +hand, whilst he commenced his fishing. As he slowly proceeded up the +stream, she changed her place so as to follow him at a distance; now and +then making expeditions into the wood at the side of the hill to study +some remarkable rock, some tree of peculiar form, or to gather a +handsome fern-leaf, or nodding fox-glove with its purple bells. Or the +little sketch-book came out, and she caught the form of the rock with a +few strokes of bold outline and firm shading, with more power over her +soft pencil than is usual at her age, though her foliage was not of the +most perfect description. Her own occupations did not, however, prevent +her from observing all her cousin's proceedings; she knew whenever he +captured a trout, she was at hand to offer help when his hook, was +caught in a bramble, and took full and complete interest in the sport. + +At last, after a successful fishing up the glen, they arrived at a place +where the ravine was suddenly closed in by a perpendicular rock of +about twenty feet in height, down which the water fell with its full +proportion of foam and spray, forming a cascade which Marian thought +"magnificent,"--Edmund, "very pretty." + +"Edmund, I am afraid the Lake country has spoilt you for Devonshire. I +wish they had never sent your regiment to the north!" + +"That would not prevent the falls in Westmoreland from being twice the +height of this." + +"It would prevent you from saying that here it is not as beautiful as +any thing can be." + +"And nothing short of that will satisfy you. You had better stand in a +narrow pass, and challenge every passer-by to battle in defence of the +beauty of Fern Torr." + +"I don't care about every body; but you, Edmund, ought to be more +dutiful to your own home." + +"You are exclusive, Marian; but come," and he stuck his rod into the +ground, "let us have some of your sandwiches." + +"Not till you confess that you like Fern Torr better than all the fine +places that you ever saw." + +"Liking with all one's heart is one thing, admiring above all others is +another, as you will find when you have seen more of the world, Marian." + +"I am sure I shall never think so." + +While this contest was going on, Marian had unpacked some sandwiches and +biscuits, and they sat down to eat them with the appetite due to such +a walk. Then came a conversation, in which Marian submitted to hear +something of the beauties of the Lakes, in the shape of a comment on the +"Bridal of Triermain," which she had brought with her; next an attempt +at sketching the cascade, in which Edmund was successful enough to make +Marian much discontented with her own performance, and declare that she +was tired of sitting still, and had a great mind to try to climb up the +rocks by the side of the fall. She was light, active, and well able to +scramble, and with a little help here and there from her cousin's strong +hand, the top was merrily gained; and springing along from rock to rock, +they traced the windings of the stream even to the end of the copse and +the opening of the moor. It was a great achievement for Marian, for even +Edmund had only once been this way before when out shooting. She would +fain have mounted to the top of a peak which bounded her view, but being +assured that she would only find Alps on Alps arise, she submitted to +Edmund's judgment, and consented to retrace her steps, through wood and +wild, to Mrs. Cornthwayte's, where they found a feast prepared for +them of saffron buns, Devonshire cream, and cyder. Then mounting their +steeds, and releasing Ranger from durance in the stable, they rode +homewards for about three miles, when they entered the village in the +valley at the foot of the steep rocky hill, from which it was named Fern +Torr. Excepting the bare rugged summit, this hill was well covered with +wood, and opposite to it rose more gently another elevation, divided +into fields and meadows. The little old Church, with its square tower, +and the neat vicarage beside it, were the only buildings above the rank +of cottages, of which some twenty stood irregularly ranged in their +gardens and orchards, along the banks of the bright little stream which +bounded the road, at present scarcely large enough to afford swimming +space for the numerous ducks that paddled in it; but the width of its +stony bed, and the large span of the one-arched bridge that traversed +it, showing what was its breadth and strength in the winter floods. + +A little beyond this bridge was a wicket gate, leading to a path up +the wooded height; and Edmund at this moment seeing a boy in a stable +jacket, asked Marian if he should not let him lead the ponies round +by the drive, while they walked up the steps. She readily agreed, and +Edmund helping her to dismount, they took their way up the path, which +after a very short interval led to a steep flight of steps, cut out +in the face of the limestone rock, and ascending through ferns, +mountain-ash, and rhododendrons for about fifty or sixty feet, when it +was concluded by what might be called either a broad terrace or narrow +lawn, upon which stood a house irregularly built of the rough stone +of the country, and covered with luxuriant myrtles and magnolias. +Immediately behind, the ground again rose so precipitously, that +scarcely could coign of vantage be won for the garden, on a succession +of narrow shelves or ledges, which had a peculiarly beautiful effect, +adorned, as they were, with gay flowers, and looking, as Edmund was wont +to say, as gorgeous and as deficient in perspective as an old piece of +tapestry. + +"There is papa out of doors," exclaimed Marian, as she emerged upon +the lawn, and ran eagerly up to a Bath chair, in which was seated a +gentleman whose face and form showed too certain tokens of long and +wasting illness. He held out his hand to her, saying, "Well, Marian, +good sport, I hope, and no more tumbles from Mayflower." + +"Marian sits like a heroine," said Edmund, coming up; "I am glad to see +you out." + +"It is such a fine evening that I was tempted to come and see the +magnolia that you have all been boasting of: and really it is worth +seeing. Those white blossoms are magnificent." + +"But where is mamma?" asked Marian. + +"Carried off by Gerald, to say whether he may have a superannuated sea +kale pot for some purpose best known to himself, in his desert island. +They will be here again in another minute. There, thank you, Edmund, +that is enough," he added, as his nephew drew his chair out of a streak +of sunshine which had just come over him. "Now, how far have you been? I +hope you have seen the cascade, Marian?" + +"O yes, papa, and scrambled up the side of it too. I had no idea of any +thing so beautiful," said Marian. "The spray was so white and glancing. +Oh! I wish I could tell you one half of the beauty of it." + +"I remember well the delight of the first discovery of it," said Sir +Edmund, "when I was a mere boy, and found my way there by chance, as I +was shooting. I came up the glen, and suddenly found myself in the midst +of this beautiful glade, with the waterfall glancing white in the sun." + +"I wish we could transplant it," said Edmund; "but after all, perhaps +its being so remote and inaccessible is one of its great charms. Ah! +young monkey, is it you?" added he, as Gerald, a merry bright-eyed boy +of seven years old, came rushing from behind and commenced a romping +attack upon him. "Take care, not such a disturbance close to papa." + +"O mamma, we have had the most delightful day!" cried Marian, springing +to the side of her mother, who now came forward from the kitchen garden, +and whose fair and gentle, but careworn, anxious face, lighted up with a +bright sweet smile, as she observed the glow on her daughter's usually +pale cheek, and the light that danced in her dark brown eye. + +"I'm glad you have had such a pleasant day, my dear," said she. "It is +very kind in Edmund to be troubled with such a wild goose." + +"Wild geese are very good things in their way," said Edmund; "water and +land, precipice and moor, 'tis all the same to them." + +"And when will you take me, Edmund?" asked Gerald. + +"When you have learnt to comport yourself with as much discretion as +Marian, master," said Edmund, sitting down on the grass, and rolling the +kicking, struggling boy over and over, while Marian stood by her papa, +showing him her sketches, and delighted by hearing him recognize the +different spots. "How can you remember them so well, papa," said she, +"when it is so very long since you saw them?" + +"That is the very reason," he answered, "we do not so much dwell on what +is constantly before us as when we have long lost sight of it. To be +confined to the house for a few years is an excellent receipt for +appreciating nature." + +"Yes, because it must make you wish for it so much," said Marian sadly. + +"Not exactly," said her father. "You cannot guess the pleasure it has +often given me to recall those scenes, and to hear you talk of them; +just as your mamma likes to hear of Oakworthy." + +"Certainly," said Lady Arundel. "I have remembered much at poor old +Oakworthy that I never thought of remarking at the time I was there. +Even flaws in the glass, and cracks in the ceiling have returned upon +me, and especially since the house has been pulled down." + +"I cannot think how the natives of an old house can wilfully destroy all +their old associations, their heirloooms," said Edmund. + +"Sometimes they have none," said his aunt. + +"Ay," said Sir Edmund, "when Gerald brings home a fine wife from +far away, see what she will say to all our dark passages and corner +cupboards, and steps up and steps down." + +"Oh! I shall not be able to bear her if she does not like them," cried +Marian. + +"I suppose that was the case with Mrs. Lyddell," added Sir Edmund, "that +she discovered the deficiencies of the old house, as well as brought +wherewith to remedy them. He does not look like a man given to change." + +"He has no such feeling for association as these people," said Lady +Arundel, pointing to Edmund and Marian; "he felt his position, in the +country raised by her fortune, and was glad to use any means of adding +to his consequence." + +"I should like to see more of them. I wish we could ask them to stay +here," said Sir Edmund, with something like a sigh. "But come, had we +not better go in? The hungry fishers look quite ready for tea." + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + "And now I set thee down to try + How thou canst walk alone." + + _Lyra Innocentium_. + + +Scarcely eight months had passed since the last recorded conversation, +when Marian, in a dress of deep mourning, was slowly pacing the garden +paths, her eyes fixed on the ground, and an expression of thoughtful +sadness on her face. Heavy indeed had been the strokes that had fallen +upon her. Before the last summer had closed, the long sufferings of her +father had been terminated by one of the violent attacks, which had +often been expected to be fatal. Nor was this all that she had to mourn. +With winter had come severe colds and coughs; Lady Arundel was seized +with an inflammation of the chest, her constitution had been much +enfeebled by watching, anxiety, and grief, and in a very few days her +children were orphans. + +It was the day following the funeral. Mrs. Wortley was staying in the +house, as were also the two guardians of the young Sir Gerald Arundel +and his sister. These were Mr. Lyddell, a relation of Lady Arundel; and +our former acquaintance, Edmund Arundel, in whom, young as he was, his +uncle had placed full confidence. He had in fact been entirely brought +up by Sir Edmund, and knew no other home than Fern Torr, having been +sent thither an orphan in earliest childhood. His uncle and aunt had +supplied the place of parents, and had been well rewarded for all they +had done for him, by his consistent well doing and completely filial +affection for them. + +Marian was startled from her musings by his voice close at hand, saying, +"All alone, Marian?" + +"Gerald is with Jemmy Wortley, somewhere," she replied, "and I begged +Mrs. Wortley and Agnes to go down the village and leave me alone. I have +been very busy all the morning, and my head feels quite confused with +thoughts!" + +"I am glad to have found you," said Edmund. "I have seen so little of +you since I have been here." + +"Yes, you have been always with Mr. Lyddell. When does he go?" + +"To-morrow morning." + +"And you stay longer, I hope?" + +"Only till Monday; I wish it was possible to stay longer, but it is +something to have a Sunday to spend here." + +"And then I am afraid it will be a long time before we see you again." + +"I hope not; if you are in London, it will be always easier to meet." + +"In London! Ah! that reminds me I wanted to ask you what I am to say to +Selina Marchmont. I have a very kind letter from her, asking us to come +to stay with her directly, and hoping that it may be arranged for us to +live with them." + +"Ah! I have a letter from her husband to the same effect," said Edmund. +"It really is very kind and friendly in them." + +"Exceedingly," said Marian. "Will you read her letter, and tell me how I +am to answer her!" + +"As to the visit, that depends upon what you like to do yourself. I +should think that you would prefer staying with the Wortleys, since they +are so kind as to receive you." + +"You don't mean," exclaimed Marian, eagerly, "staying with them for +ever!" + +Edmund shook his head. "No, Marian, I fear that cannot be." + +"Then it is as I feared," sighed Marian. "I wonder how it is that I have +thought so much about myself; but it would come into my head, what was +to become of us, and I was very much afraid of living with the Lyddells; +but still there was a little glimmering of hope that you might be able +to manage to leave us with the Wortleys." + +"I heartily wish I could," said Edmund, "but it is out of my power. My +uncle--" + +"Surely papa did not wish us to live with the Lyddells?" cried Marian. + +"I do not think he contemplated your living any where but at home." + +"But the Vicarage is more like home than any other place could ever be," +pleaded Marian, "and papa did not like the Lyddells nearly so well as +the Wortleys." + +"We must abide by his arrangements, rather than our own notions of his +wishes," said Edmund. "Indeed, I know that he thought Mr. Lyddell a very +sensible man." + +"Then poor Gerald is to grow up away from his own home, and never see +the dear old moors! But if we cannot stay here, I had rather be with +Selina. She is so fond of Gerald, and she knows what home was, and she +knew and loved--them. And we should not meet so many strangers. Only +think what numbers of Lyddells there are! Boys to make Gerald rude, and +girls, and a governess--all strangers. And they go to London!" concluded +poor Marian, reaching the climax of her terrors. "O Edmund, can you do +nothing for us?" + +"You certainly do not embellish matters in anticipation. You will find +them very different from what you expect--even London itself, which, by +the by, you would have to endure even if you were with Selina, whom I +suspect to be rather too fine and fashionable a lady for such a homely +little Devonshire girl." + +"That Mrs. Lyddell will be. She is a very gay person, and they have +quantities of company. O Edmund!" + +"The quantities of company," replied her cousin, "will interfere with +you far less in your schoolroom with the Miss Lyddells, than alone with +my Lady Marchmont, where, at your unrecognized age, you would be in +rather an awkward situation." + +"Or I could go to Torquay, to old Aunt Jessie?" + +"Aunt Jessie would not be much obliged for the proposal of giving her +such a charge." + +"But I should take care of her, and make her life less dismal and +lonely." + +"That may be very well some years hence, when you are your own mistress: +but at present I believe the trouble and change of habits which having +you with her would occasion, would not be compensated by all your +attention and kindness. Have you written to her yet?" + +"No, I do not know how, and I hoped it was one of the letters that you +undertook for me." + +"I think I ought not to relieve you of that. Aunt Jessie is your nearest +relation; I am sure this has been a great blow to her, and that it has +cost her much effort to write to you herself. You must not turn her +letter over to me, like a mere complimentary condolence." + +"Very well," said Marian, with a sigh, "though I cannot guess what I +shall say. And about Selina?" + +"You had better write and tell her how you are situated, and I will do +the same to Lord Marchmont." + +"And when must we go to the Lyddells? I thought he meant more than mere +civility, when he spoke of Oakworthy this morning, at breakfast." + +"He spoke of taking you back to London immediately, but I persuaded him +to wait till they go into Wiltshire, so you need not be rooted up from +Fern Torr just yet." + +"Thank you, that is a great reprieve." + +"And do not make up your mind beforehand to be unhappy at Oakworthy. +Very likely you will take root there, and wonder you ever shrank from +being transplanted to your new home." + +"Never! never! it is cruel to say that any place but this can be like +home! And you, Edmund, what shall you do, where shall you go, when you +have leave of absence?" + +"I shall never ask for it," said he with an effort, while his eye fell +on the window of the room which had been his own for so many years, and +the thought crossed him, "Mine no more." It had been his home, as fully +as that of his two cousins, but now it was nothing to him; and while +they had each other to cling to, he stood in the world a lonely man. + +Marian perceived his emotion, but rather than seem to notice it, she +assumed a sort of gaiety. "I'll tell you, Edmund. You shall marry a very +nice wife, and take some delightful little house somewhere hereabouts, +and we will come and stay with you till Gerald is of age." + +"Which he will be long before I have either house or wife," said Edmund, +in the same tone, "but mind, Marian, it is a bargain, unless you grow so +fond of the Lyddells as to retract." + +"Impossible." + +"Well, I will not strengthen your prejudices by contending with them." + +"Prejudice! to say that I can never be as happy anywhere as at my own +dear home! To say that I cannot bear strangers!" + +"If they were to remain strangers for all the years that you are likely +to spend with them, there might be something in that. But I see you +cannot bear to be told that you can ever be happy again, so I will not +say so any more, especially as I must finish my letters." + +"And I will try to write mine," said Marian with a sigh, as she reached +the door, and went up to take off her bonnet. + +Edmund lingered for a moment in the hall, and there was met by Mrs. +Wortley, who said she was glad to see that he had been out, for he was +looking pale and harassed. "I did not go out for any pleasant purpose," +said he. "I had to pronounce sentence on poor Marian." + +"Is it finally settled?" said Mrs. Wortley. "We still had hopes of +keeping her." + +"Sir Gerald and Miss Arundel are of too much distinction in Mr. +Lyddell's eyes to be left to their best friends," said Edmund. "It was +hard to persuade him not to take possession directly, on the plea of +change being good for their spirits." + +"It is very kind of you to put off the evil day," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +will be a grievous parting for poor Agnes." + +"A grievous business for every one," said Edmund. + +"How? Do not you think well of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell?" + +"I know my uncle never thought of these poor children's living with +them. He thought Mr. Lyddell a good man of business, but neither he nor +my aunt ever dreamed of such a home for them." + +"Would they have preferred Lady Marchmont's? Marian is very fond of +her, and was much gratified by a very nice affectionate letter that she +received this morning." + +"Yes, but I am glad she is out of the question. It is offering a great +deal both on her part and her husband's to take charge of these two, but +it would never do. She is almost a child herself,--a bride and beauty +under twenty,--excessively admired, very likely to have her head turned. +No, it would be too absurd. All her kindness, amiability, desire to make +Marian her friend and companion, would only serve to do harm." + +"Yes, you are right; yet I cannot help half wishing it could be, if it +was only to save poor Marian her terrors of going among strangers." + +"I know exactly how it will be," said Edmund. "She will shut herself +up in a double proof case of shyness and reserve. They will never +understand her, nor she them." + +"But that cannot go on for ever." + +"No; and perhaps it might be better if it could." + +"Well, but do you really know anything against them? He seems inclined +to be very kind and considerate." + +"Electioneering courtesy," said Edmund. "But now you begin to question +me, I cannot say that my--my mistrust shall I call it--or aversion? is +much better founded than the prejudices I have been scolding poor Marian +for. Perhaps it is only that I am jealous of them, and cannot think any +one out of Fern Torr worthy to bring up my uncle's children. All I know +of them is, that Mrs. Lyddell was heiress to a rich banker, she goes out +a good deal in London, and the only time that I met her I thought her +clever and agreeable. In their own county I believe she is just what a +popular member's wife should be--I don't mean popular in the sense of +radical. I think I have heard too something about the eldest son not +turning out well; but altogether, you see, I have not grounds enough to +justify any opposition to their desire of having the children." + +"How are they as to Church principles?" + +"That I really cannot tell. I should think they troubled themselves very +little about the matter, and would only dislike any thing strong either +way. If my aunt had but been able to make some arrangement! No doubt it +was upon her mind when she asked so often for me!" + +"Yes, but there is this comfort," said Mrs. Wortley, seeing him much +troubled, "that she did not seem to make herself anxious and restless on +their account. She trusted them, and so may we." + +"Yes, that is all that one can come to," said Edmund, sighing deeply. +"But Gerald! One pities Marian the most now, but it is a more serious +matter for him." + +"Gerald will be more in your power than his sister," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"As if that was much comfort," said Edmund, half smiling, then again +sighing, "when even for my own concerns I miss my uncle's advice at +every turn. And probably I may have to go on foreign service next year." + +"Then he will be at school." + +"Yes. He was not to have gone till he was ten years old, but I shall try +to hasten it now. He must go with his sister to Oakworthy though, for to +begin without him there would be complete desolation in her eyes." + +Here the conversation was concluded by Marian's coming down to write her +painfully composed letters. That to her cousin, Lady Marchmont, who, +as Selina Grenville, had been a frequent and favourite visitor at the +manor, ran glibly enough off the pen, and the two or three quiet tears +that blotted the paper, fell from a feeling of affection rather than of +regret; but the letter to old Mrs. Jessie Arundel, her great aunt, and +one or two others which Edmund had desired her to write, were works of +time. Marian's feelings were seldom freely expressed even to those whom +she loved best, and to write down expressions of grief, affection, or +gratitude, as a matter of course, was positively repugnant to her. + +The great work was not finished till late, and then came in Gerald and +Agnes, and the tea drinking among themselves was rendered cheerful by +Agnes' anticipations of pleasure in their going the next day to the +parsonage for a long visit. Gerald began to play with her, and soon got +into quite high spirits, and Marian herself had smiled, nay, almost +laughed, before the gentlemen came in from the dining room, when the +presence of Mr. Lyddell cast over her a cloud of dull dread and silence, +so that she did not through the rest of the evening raise her head three +inches from her book. + +Yet as Mrs. Wortley had said, Mr. Lyddell was evidently inclined to be +kind to her and her brother. He patted Gerald on the head as he wished +him good night, and said good-naturedly to Marian that she must be great +friends with his girls, Caroline and Clara. + +Marian tried to look civil, but could not find an answer both sincere +and polite, and Mrs. Wortley, speaking for her, asked if they were +nearly of the same age as she was. + +"Well, I can't exactly tell," said Mr. Lyddell. "I should think she was +between them. You are thirteen, aren't you, Marian? Well, Caroline may +be a couple of years older, and Clara--I know her birthday was the other +day, for I had to make her a present,--but how old she was I can't +exactly recollect, whether it was twelve or thirteen. So you see you +will not want for companions at Oakworthy, and you will be as happy +there as your poor mamma used to be in the old house. Many was the laugh +she has had there with my poor sister, and now they are both gone--well, +there, I did not mean to overset you,--but--" + +Marian could not bear it. She could talk of her mother to Mrs. Wortley, +Agnes, or Edmund, with complete composure, but she could not bear Mr. +Lyddell's hearty voice trying, as she thought, at sentiment, and forcing +the subject upon her, and without a word or a look she hurried out of +the room, and did not come back all the evening. Agnes followed her, +and pitied her, and thought Mr. Lyddell should have said nothing of the +kind, and sat down over the fire with her in her own room to read hymns. + +The next day Mr. Lyddell left Fern Torr, and Marian was so glad to +gee him depart as to be able to endure much better his invitations to +Oakworthy. That same day Marian and Gerald went to the parsonage, and +Edmund, after spending a quiet Sunday at Fern Torr, bade them farewell +on the Monday morning. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + "Where once we dwelt our name is heard no more, + Children not thine 'may tread' my nurseryfloor." + + COWPER. + + +The way of life at Fern Torr parsonage was so quiet as to afford few +subjects for narration. Mrs. Wortley was a gentle, sensible person, very +fond of Marian and Gerald, both for their own sake and their mother's, +and to be with her was to them as like being at home as anything could +be. Agnes was quite wrapped up in her friend, whom she pitied so +heartily, and was to lose so soon. She had known no troubles except +through Marian, she reverenced Marian's griefs, and in her respect for +them was inclined to spoil her not a little. Then, through nothing +against the Lyddells had ever been said to Agnes, she had caught +all Marian's prejudiced dislike to them, and sometimes in lively +exaggeration, sometimes in grave condolence, talked of them "as these +horrid people." + +Marian felt every day was precious as it passed, and the time seemed to +her far less than two months, when one day there arrived a letter from +Mrs. Lyddell to announce that the family were about to leave London, and +in the course of a week Mr. Lyddell would come to fetch her and Gerald +to Oakworthy. + +The letter was kindly expressed, but this was lost upon Marian in the +pain its purport gave her, and the difficulty of composing an answer. +She chose her smallest sheet of writing-paper with the deepest black +edge, wrote as widely as she could, and used the longest words, but with +all Mrs. Wortley's suggestions, she could not eke out what she had to +say beyond the first page. She would not even send her love to her +cousins, for she said she could have no particular affection for them, +and to express any pleasure in the prospect of seeing so many strangers +would be an actual untruth. + +What a week was that which followed! Marian loved her home with that +enthusiasm which especially belongs to the inhabitants of mountainous +districts, and still more acutely did she feel the separation from all +that reminded her of her parents. If she had not had Gerald to go with +her she did not know how she could have borne it, but Gerald, her own +beautiful brother, with his chestnut curls, dark bright eyes, sweet +temper, and great cleverness and goodness, he must be a comfort to her +wherever she was. Gerald was one of those children who seem to have a +peculiar atmosphere of bright grace and goodness around them, who make +beautiful earnest sayings in their simplicity which are treasured up by +their friends, who, while regarding them with joy and something like +veneration, watch them likewise with fear and trembling. Thus had his +mother looked upon Gerald, and thus in some degree did Mrs. Wortley; but +Marian had nothing but pride, joy, and confidence in him, unalloyed save +now and then by the secret, half superstitious fear that such goodness +might mark him for early death. + +By Marian's own especial desire, she went to almost every cottage to +take leave, but all she could do was to stand with her head averted and +her lips compressed, while Mrs. Wortley spoke for her. Her next task was +to look over the boxes and drawers at the manor house, in case it should +be let; for no one else could be trusted to decide what hoards of highly +prized trifles should be locked up, and what must be thrown away. She +alone could choose the little keepsakes to be given to old servants and +village friends, and she must select what she would take to Oakworthy. + +She stood lingering before each picture, viewing the old familiar +furniture with loving eyes, and sighing at the thought that strangers +would alter the arrangements, look carelessly or critically on her +father's portrait, think her wild garden a collection of weeds, and root +up the flowering fern which Edmund had helped her to transplant. She +went into her own room, and felt almost ready to hate the person who +might occupy it; she lay down on the bed, and looking up at the same +branch of lime tree, and the same piece of sky which had met her eyes +every morning, she mused there till she was roused by hearing Gerald's +voice very loud in the nursery. Hastening thither, she found him +insisting that his collection of stones and spars was much too precious +to mend the roads with, as their maid Saunders proposed, and Agnes +settling the matter satisfactorily by offering to take them to adorn a +certain den in the vicarage garden with. The ponies were to be turned +out to grass, the rabbits were bestowed on James Wortley, and Ranger +was to be kept at the vicarage till Edmund could come and fetch him, +together with his books, which Marian had to look out, and she found it +a service of difficulty, since "Edmund Gerald" could scarcely be said to +answer the purpose of a proper name in the Arundel family. + +The last day at home arrived, the eve of S. James. Marian went to +prepare her class at the weekly school, resolved to do just as usual to +the last. She had to read them the conversation on S. James's Day in +"Fasts and Festivals," but she could hardly get through with it, the +separation between early friends reminded her so much of herself and +Agnes, and then the comparison of the two roads, one in burning and +scorching sunshine, the other in the cool fresh shade, almost overset +her, for though she could not tell why, she chose to be persuaded that +the first must be hers. But they both ended in the same place. She felt +tears coming into her eyes, but she kept them down, and went on reading +in a steady monotonous voice, as if the meaning was nothing to her; she +asked the children questions in a dry, grave, matter-of-fact way, as if +she had not the slightest interest in them or in the subject, though her +heart was full of affection to the dullest and roughest among them, and +when she went away, her nod, and "well, good morning," to the school +mistress were several shades further from warmth than usual. + +All the way back from the school she was eagerly telling Agnes exactly +the point where she left each child in her class, and begging her to +say the kind things which she meant to have said to Grace Knight, the +mistress. + +Agnes laughed and said, "I hope she will take my word for it all. Why +could you not speak to her? At least I thought you were not afraid of +her." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "I thought I could, but it is very odd. You +see, Agnes, how it is; the more I care, the more I can't speak, and I +can't help it." + +"Well, don't be unhappy about it," said Agnes. "I know what you mean, +and am ready to take you as you are, and if other people don't, it is +their own fault." + +Agnes was rather too fond of Marian to be exactly right here, for it was +not at all a good thing that she should be encouraged in a reserve which +led her not always to do as she would be done by. + +The two girls came in, lingered in each other's rooms while they +dressed, and at last were called down stairs by Mrs. Wortley, who was +ready to finish with them the last chapter of the book they had been +reading aloud together. Gerald sat in the window, his friend Jemmy +hanging over him, and the two together composing a marvellous +battlepiece, in which Gerald drew horses, men, cannon, and arrows, and +Jemmy, like a small Homer, suggested the various frightful wounds they +should be receiving, and the attitudes in which they should fall. The +general, with a tremendous Turkish sabre, an immense cocked hat, and +a horse with very stiff legs, was just being represented receiving an +unfortunate-looking prisoner, considerably spotted with vermillion +paint, when a sound of wheels was heard, and both boys starting up, +exclaimed, "Here he comes!" + +He, as Marian knew full well, was Mr. Lyddell; and a chilliness came +over her as he entered, tall, broad, ruddy, treading heavily, and +speaking loudly: and Gerald pressed close to her, squeezing her hand +so tight that she could hardly withdraw it to shake hands with her +guardian. With one hand he held her cold reluctant fingers, with the +other gave Gerald's head a patronizing pat. "Well, my dears, how d'ye +do? quite well? and ready to start with me to-morrow? That is right. +Caroline and Clara have had their heads full of nothing but you this +long time--only wanted to have come with me." + +Here Marian succeeded in drawing back her hand, and retreated to the +window; Gerald was creeping after her, but Mr. Lyddell laid hold of his +chin, and drew him back, saying. "What, shy, my man? we shall cure you +at Oakworthy My boys will give you no peace if they see you getting into +your sister's pocket." + +Gerald disengaged himself, and made a rapid retreat. It was a long time +before he again appeared, and when Mrs. the housekeeper at the Manor +House, came down in the course of the evening to say good-bye, she said, +"And ma'am, where do you think I found that dear child, Sir Gerald, not +two hours ago?" She wiped away a gush of tears, and went on. "I thought +I heard a noise in the drilling room, and went to see, and there, ma'am, +was the dear little fellow lying on the floor, the bare boards, for the +carpet is taken up, you know, Miss Marian, before his papa's picture, +crying and sobbing as if his heart would break. But as soon as I opened +the door, and he saw me, he snatched up his hat, and jumped out at the +open window, which he had come in by, I suppose, for I never heard him +open the door." + +Marian, after her usual fashion, had no reply, but it was pleasant to +her to think of what had taken place, since Gerald had not in general +shown much concern at the leaving home. + +They all met at breakfast next morning; Marian, was firmly determined +against crying, and by dint of squeezing up her lips, and not uttering a +word, succeeded in keeping her resolution; but poor Agnes could eat no +breakfast, and did nothing but cry, till Mr. Lyddell, by saying that her +tears were a great honour both to herself and Marian, entirely checked +them. + +"I hope," said Mr. Wortley, "that Mrs. Lyddell will not be very strict +in inquiring into the quantity of Marian's idle correspondence. The +friends there mean to console themselves with multitudes of letters." + +"Oh, certainly, certainly," said Mr. Lyddell. "Old friends for ever! So +mind, Marian, I mean to be very angry if you forget to write to Miss +Wortley." + +"Thank you," said Marian, knowing that she was saying something silly, +and trying to smile. + +"Come, then," said Mr. Lyddell, "thank your friends once more for their +kindness, and let us be going." + +Thanks from Marian were out of the question, and she tried to get out +of hearing of the sentences beginning, "I am sure we shall always be +sensible," "Nothing could be kinder," which her guardian was pouring +out. She moved with Agnes to the door: the summer sky was deeply blue, +without a cloud, the fresh green branches of the trees stood up against +it as if bathed in light, the flower beds were glowing with gay +blossoms, Gerald and Jemmy were playing with Ranger under the verandah, +and the Church bells rang cheerfully for morning service, but alas! at +the gate was the carriage, Saunders sitting sobbing on the outside, +and David Chapple, Mr. Wortley's man, standing on one leg on the step +talking to her. Near at hand was the gardener from the Manor House, +waiting with his hands full of Miss Arundel's favourite flowers, and +there stood old Betty Lapthorn and her grandchild, Gerald's nurse who +had married, and the old man to whom the children had so often carried +the remains of their dinner; all the school children too, and Grace in +the middle of them, waiting for the last view of Miss Arundel and little +Sir Gerald. + +Mr. Lyddell finished his acknowledgments, and Marian and her brother +received an embrace and good-bye from their friends, David jumped down +and shut the door, Saunders sobbed aloud, there was another good-bye +from each of the Wortleys, and a hearty response from Gerald, Mr. +Lyddell called out, "All right," and away they went. + +On went the carriage, past the Church, with its open door and pealing +bell, the rocky steps up to the Manor House, nestled in the shrubs, the +well known trees, the herds of longhorned, red cattle, the grey stone +cottages, and the women and tiny children at the doors, the ford through +the sparkling shallow brook, the hill with the great limestone quarry, +the kiln so like a castle, the river and its bridge of one narrow, high +pitched, ivy grown arch, the great rod rock, remembered as having been +the limit of papa's last drive, the farm house in the winding valley +beyond, with its sloping orchard and home field, the last building in +the parish. They drove through the little market town, slowly wound up +the heights beyond, looked down into the broad, beautiful space where +the river Exe winds its blue course amid wood, field, and castled hill, +descended, losing sight of the last of the Torrs, glanced at Exeter and +its Cathedral, arrived at the station, and there, while waiting hand in +hand on the platform, gazing at the carriage, and starting at each puff, +snort, cough, and shriek of the engines, Marian and Gerald did indeed +feel themselves severed from the home of their childhood. + +It was not till the afternoon that they left the railroad, and then they +had a two hours' drive through a country which Marian found very unlike +her own: the bleak, bare downs of Wiltshire, low green hills rising +endlessly one after the other, the white road visible far away before +them, the chalk pits white and cold, a few whitey brown ponds now and +then, and at long intervals a farm house, looking as if it had been set +down there by mistake, and did not like it, carts full of chalk, and +flocks of sheep the chief moving objects they met, and not many of them. + +Marian sighed, yawned, and looked at Gerald many a time before they at +length came to a small, very neat-looking town, where the houses stood +far back from the street, and had broad clean pavement in front of them. +"This is Oakworthy," said Mr. Lyddell, and Marian looked with interest. +The church was just outside the town, white, and clean looking, like +everything else, and with a spire. That was all she could see, for they +drove on by the side of a long park wall, enclosing a fir plantation. +The gate of a pretty lodge was thrown back, and they entered upon a +gravelled carriage-road, which, after some windings, led to a large +house, built of white brick, regular and substantial. They stopped under +the portico at the door, and Mr. Lyddell, as he handed Marian out of the +carriage, exclaimed, "Welcome to Oakworthy Park!" + +It seemed to Marian that there was a whole crowd waiting for her in the +hall, and she had received at least three kisses before she had time to +look around her, and perceive that this formidable troop consisted of a +tall, fresh-coloured lady, two girls, and two little boys. Each of +the girls eagerly grasped one of her hands, and drew her into the +drawing-room, exclaiming, "I am glad you are come!" Here were two more +strangers, youths of the age at which their juniors call them men, and +their seniors, boys. They did not trouble the guests with any particular +demonstrations of welcome, only shaking hands with them carelessly, and +after another moment or two Marian found herself sitting on a chair, +very stiffly and upright, while Gerald stood about two feet from her, +afraid of a second accusation of getting into her pocket, looking down, +and twisting the handles of her basket. + +"Lionel, Johnny," said Mrs. Lyddell, "have you nothing to say to your +cousin? Come here, my dear, and tell me, were you very sorry to leave +Fern Torr?" + +Gerald coloured and looked at his sister, who replied by a hesitating, +faltering, "Yes, very." + +"Ah! yes, I see," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you will soon be at home +here. It shall not be my fault or your cousins' if you are not,--eh, +Caroline?" + +"Indeed it shall not," returned Caroline, again taking Marian's hand, +at first pressing it cordially, but letting it go on feeling the limp, +passive fingers, which were too shy and frightened to return the +pressure. + +Mr. Lyddell came in, and while his wife was engaged in speaking to him, +Marian had time to make her observations, for the chilling embarrassment +of her manner had repelled the attentions of her cousins. Though she had +never seen them before, she knew enough about them to be able to fit the +names to the persons she saw before her, and make a few conjectures as +to how she would like them. + +That youth in the odd-looking, rough, shapeless coat, yet with a certain +expensive, fashionable air about the rest of his dress, who stood +leaning against the chimney-piece in a nonchalant attitude, was +her eldest cousin, Elliot Lyddell. The other, a great contrast in +appearance, small, slender, and pale, with near-sighted spectacles +over his weak, light grey eyes, dressed with scrupulous precision and +quietness, who had retreated to the other end of the room and taken up +a book, was Walter. The elder girl, Caroline, was about fifteen, a very +pleasing likeness of her mother, with a brilliant complexion, bright +blue eyes, and a remarkably lively and pleasant smile, which Marian was +so much taken with, that she wished she could have found something to +say, but the dress and air both gave her the appearance of being older +than Agnes, and thus made Marian feel as if she was a great way above +and beyond her. The other sister had a fair, pretty face, much more +childish, with beautiful glossy light hair, and something sweet and +gentle in her expression, and Marian felt warmly towards her because she +was her mother's god-child, and bore the same name. + +The younger boys, Lionel and John, were nice-looking little fellows of +nine and seven. They had drawn towards Walter, gazing all the time at +Gerald, and all parties were rejoiced when Mrs. Lyddell, after a few +more attempts at conversation, proposed to take the guests to their +rooms. + +With a light, quick step, she led the way up two staircases and a long +passage, to a good-sized, comfortable room intended for Marian, while +Gerald's was just opposite. With a civil welcome to Saunders, kind hopes +that Marian would make herself at home, and information that dinner +would he ready at seven, she left the room, and Saunders proceeded with +the young lady's toilette. Gerald stood gazing from the window at the +trees and little glimpse of the town in the distance. He said little, +and seemed rather forlorn till leave was given him to unpack some goods +which he could not easily damage. Just as Marian was dressed, there was +a knock at the door, and without waiting for an answer, Caroline +and Clara entered, the former saying, "I hope you find everything +comfortable: you see we make you quite at home, and stand on no +ceremony." + +It was pleasantly said, but Marian only gave a constrained smile, and +answered, "Thank you," in such an awkward, cold way, that Caroline was +thrown back. Her sister, only conscious of freedom from the restraints +of the drawing-room, began exclaiming in short sentences, "O what a +pretty basket! so you have out your work already! what a lovely pattern! +how quick you have been in dressing! we came to see how you were getting +on. O what is this pretty box? do let me see." + +"A work-box," said Marian, by no means disposed to turn out all the +small treasures it contained for Clara's inspection.--Caroline perceived +this, and said with a little reproof to Clara, + +"You curious child! Perhaps Marian would like to come and see the +schoolroom before going down." + +"Oh, yes," said Clara; "you must come. You have not seen Miss Morley +yet,--our governess,--poor, unfortunate, faithful Morley, as we always +call her." + +This manner of mentioning the governess, and before Saunders too, +greatly surprised Marian, and she felt little inclination to face +another stranger; but she could think of no valid objection, and allowed +herself and Gerald to be conducted down one of the flights of stairs +into a passage less decorated than the rest of the house. Clara threw +open a door, calling out, "Here they are!" and Marian found herself in +the presence of a little, nicely dressed lady, who looked very little +older than Caroline, and had a very good-natured face. Coming forward +with a smile, she said, "Miss Arundel, I believe. I hope you are quite +well, and not tired. Sir Gerald, how d'ye do? We shall be good friends, +I am sure." + +Gerald shook hands, and Marian thought she ought to do so too; but it +had not been her first impulse, and it was too late, so she only made +a stiff bend of head and knee. Clara, happily unconscious of the +embarrassment with which Marian had infected Caroline, went on talking +fast and freely: + +"So, you see, this is the schoolroom. There is Caroline's desk, and here +is mine; and we have made room for you here. I suppose you have a desk. +And here are all our books, and our chiffonniere; Caroline has one side +and I the other. Oh, I must show you my last birthday presents. Ah! +aren't we lucky to have got such a nice view of the terrace and the +portico from here! We can always see the people coming to dinner, and +when the gentlemen go out riding, it is such fun, and--" + +"My dear Clara," interposed Miss Morley, seeing Marian's bewildered +looks, "your cousin is not used to such a chatterbox. I assure you, +Miss Arundel, that Clara has been quite wild for the last week with the +prospect of seeing you. I have actually not known what to do with her." + +Marian gave one of her awkward smiles, and said nothing. + +"You left Devonshire this morning, I think?" said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, we did." + +"Fern Torr is in a very beautiful part of the country, is it not?" + +"Yes, very." + +They were getting on at this rate when Mrs. Lyddell came in, and took +Marian and Gerald down to the drawing-room with her, as it was almost +dinner time. No sooner had the door closed behind them, than governess +and pupils at once exclaimed, "How pale!" "how shy!" "how awkward!" + +"I dare say that is only shyness," said Caroline, "but I must say I +never saw anything so stiff and chilly." + +"Yes, that she is," said Clara, "but it's only shyness; I am sure she is +a dear girl. But how white she is! I thought she would have been pretty, +because they say the Arundels are all so handsome." + +"She has fine eyes," said Miss Motley; "and that dear little Sir Gerald, +I am sure we shall all be in love with him." + +"Well, I hope we may get on better in time," said Caroline, taking up a +book, and settling herself in a most luxurious attitude in spite of the +unaccommodating furniture of the schoolroom. + +Marian recovered a little at dinner, and was not quite so monosyllabic +in her replies. Her netting was a great resource when she went into the +drawing-room after dinner, and she began to feel a little less rigid and +confused, made some progress in acquaintance with Clara, and when she +went to bed was not without hopes of, in time, liking both her and +Caroline very much. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + "A place where others are at home, + But all are strange to me." + + _Lyra Innocentium._ + + +Marian began the next morning by wondering what a Sunday at Oakworthy +would be like, but she was glad the formidable first meeting was over, +and greeted Gerald cheerfully when he came into the room. + +After a few minutes a bell rang, and Marian, thinking it must be for +family prayers, hastened into the passage, wondering at herself for +not having asked last night where she was to go. She was glad to meet +Caroline coming out of her room, and after quickly exchanging a "good +morning," she said, "Was that the bell for prayers?" + +"No, it was for the servants' breakfast," said Caroline "and for ours in +the schoolroom too." + +"But don't you have prayers in the morning?" said Gerald, + +"No," answered Caroline gravely. + +"Why not," the little boy was beginning but Marian pressed his hand +to check him, shocked herself, and sorry for Caroline's sake that the +question had been asked. + +Caroline spoke rather hurriedly, "I wish we could, but you see papa is +out so often, and there are so many people staying here sometimes: and +in London, papa is so late at the House--it is very unlucky, but it +would not do, it is all so irregular." + +"What?" said Clara, hopping down stairs behind them. "O, about prayers! +We have not had any in the school room since Miss Cameron's time." + +"Miss Cameron used to read a chapter and pray with us afterwards," said +Caroline; "but when she was gone, mamma said she did not like the book +she used." + +"Besides, it was three quarters out of her own head, and that wasn't +fair, for she used to go on such a monstrous time," said Clara. + +"Hush, Clara," said her sister, "and mamma has never found a book she +does think quite fit." + +"There's the Prayer Book," said Gerald. + +"O that is only for Church," said Clara, opening the schoolroom door; +"O she is not here! Later than ever. Well, Marian, what do you think of +her?" + +"Of whom?" asked Marian. + +"Of poor unfortunate faithful Morley," said Clara. + +"You call her so after Queen Anne?" + +"Yes," said Caroline, "and you will see how well the name suits her when +you are fully initiated." + +"But does she like it?" + +"Like it?" and Clara fell into a violent fit of laughing, calling out to +Lionel, who just then came in, "Here is Marian asking if we call Miss +Morley 'poor unfortunate' whenever we speak to her." + +"She is coming," said Lionel, and Clara sunk her boisterous laughter +into a titter, evident enough to occasion Miss Morley to ask what +made them so merry, but the only answer she received was from Lionel, +"Something funny," and then both he and Clara burst out again into +laughter, his open, and hers smothered. + +Marian looked amazed. "Ah! you are not used to such ways," said the +governess; "Clara and Lionel are sometimes sad creatures." + +Breakfast took a very long time, and before it was quite over, Mrs. +Lyddell came in, spoke in her rapid, good-natured tone to Marian and +Gerald, and remarked rather sharply to Miss Morley that she thought they +grew later and later every Sunday. Nevertheless, no one went on at all +the faster after she was gone. Miss Morley continued her talk with +Caroline and Clara about some young friends of theirs in London, and +Lionel and Johnny went on playing tricks with their bread and butter, +accompanied by a sort of secret teasing of Clara. Nothing brought them +absolutely to a conclusion till one of the servants appeared in order to +take away the things, and unceremoniously bore away John's last piece of +bread and cup of tea. + +Johnny looked up at the man and made a face at him; Miss Morley shook +her head, and Caroline said, "How can you be so naughty, Johnny? it +serves you quite right, and I only wish it happened every morning." + +"Come, Gerald, and see the ponies," said Lionel. + +"My dears," said Miss Morley, "you know your mamma never likes you to go +out before Church especially to the stables; you only get hot, and you +make us late with waiting for you." + +"Nobody asked you to wait for us," said John. "Come, Gerald." + +"No, I see Sir Gerald is a good little boy, and is coming steadily with +us," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, Gerald, do," said Marian. + +"There will be plenty of time by and by," said Gerald, sitting down +again. + +"O very well," said John. "Well, if you won't, I will; I want to see +Elliot's colt come in from exercising, and he will be sure to be there +himself now." + +Lionel and Johnny ran off, Caroline looked distressed, and went out into +the passage leaving the door open. Walter was coming along it, and as +she met him, she said, "Walter, the boys are off to the stable again; +we shall have just such a fuss as we had last Sunday if you cannot stop +them. Is Elliot there again?" + +"I am afraid he is," said Walter. + +"Then there is no chance!" said Caroline, retreating; but at that moment +Lionel and John came clattering down from their own distant abode at the +top of the house. "Who likes to walk with me through, the plantations to +Church?" said Walter; "I was coming to ask if you liked to show that way +to Gerald." + +Lionel and John, who had a real respect for Walter, thought it best to +keep silence on their disobedient designs, and accept the kind offer. +Gerald gladly joined them, and off they set. Miss Morley, Caroline, and +Clara, had all gone different ways, and Marian remained, leaning her +forehead against the window, thinking what her own dear Sunday-school +class were doing at Fern Torr, and feeling very disconsolate. She had +stood in this manner for some minutes when Clara came to tell her it was +time to prepare for Church, followed her to her room, and contrived to +make more remarks on her dress than Marian could have thought could +possibly have been bestowed on a plain black crape bonnet and mantle. + +Through all the rather long walk, Clara still kept close to her, telling +who every one was, and talking incessantly, till she felt almost +confused, and longed for the quietness of the church. Mr. Lyddell's pew +was a high, square box, curtained round, with a table and a stove, so +that she hardly felt as if she was in church, and she was surprised not +to see Elliot Lyddell there. + +They had to walk quickly back after the service, dine hurriedly, and +then set off again for the afternoon service. Miss Morley sighed, and +said that the second long hot walk almost killed her, and she went so +slowly that the schoolroom party all came in late. They found no one in +the pew but Mrs. Lyndell and Walter, and Marian once more sighed and +wondered. + +On coming home, Miss Morley went in to rest, but as it was now cool and +pleasant, her pupils stayed out a little longer to show the park and +garden. They were very desirous of making the Arundels admire all they +saw, and Lionel and John were continually asking, "Have you anything +like that at Fern Torr?" + +Gerald, jealous for the honor of home, was magnificent in his +descriptions, and unconscious that he was talking rhodomontade. +According to him, his park took in a whole mountain, his house was quite +as large and much handsomer than Mr. Lyddell's, the garden was like the +hanging gardens of Babylon, and greenhouses were never wanted there, for +"all sorts of things" would grow in the open air. His cousins were so +amazed that they would hardly attend to Marian's explanations, and +thought her description of the myrtle, which reached to the top of the +house, as fabulous as his hanging gardens. + +"And, Marian, what do you think of this place?" asked Clara. + +After some pressing, the following reply was extracted:--"It is so shut +in with fir-trees, but I suppose you want them to hide the town, and +there is nothing to see if they were away." + +"O Marian!" said Caroline, "when we showed you the beautiful view over +the high gate." + +"But there was no hill, and no wood, and no water." + +"Did you not see Oakworthy Hill?" + +"That tame green thing!" said Marian. + +"The truth is," said Johnny, "that she likes it the best all the time, +only she won't own it." + +"Nonsense, Johnny," replied Lionel, "every one likes their own +home best, and I like Marian for not pretending to be polite and +nonsensical." + +"And I tell you," said Gerald, "that you never saw anything so good as +my Manor house in your whole life." + +Here they went in, and Marian gently said to Gerald as they came +into her room, "I wish you would not say _my_, Gerald, it seems like +boasting. My park--my house--" + +Gerald hung his head, and the colour came deeply into his cheeks. +"Marian," said he, "you know how I wish it wasn't mine now," and the +tears were in his eyes. "But they boast over me, and they ought not, for +I'm Sir--" + +"Oh! hush, Gerald. You used never to like to hear yourself called so, +because it put you in mind--. Yes, I know they boast; but this is not +the way to stop them, it only makes them go on; and what does it signify +to you? it does not make this place really better than home." + +"Yes, but I want them to know it." + +"But you should not want to set yourself up above them. If you don't +answer, and, let them say what nonsense they please, it would be the +best way, and the right way, and so you would humble yourself, which is +what we must all do Gerald." + +Gerald was silenced, but looked dissatisfied; however, there was no +more time to talk, for Clara came to say that tea was almost ready, and +Marian rang for Saunders. Gerald looked as if he was meditating when +first they sat down to tea, and after some little time he abruptly +began, "I don't like your church at all. It is just like a room, and +nobody makes any noise." + +"Nobody makes any noise," repeated Caroline, smiling; "is that Fern Torr +fashion?" + +"I do not mean exactly a noise," said Gerald, "but people read their +verse of the psalm, and say Amen, and all that, quite loud. They don't +leave it all to the clerk in his odd voice." + +Lionel mimicked the clerk so drolly, that in spite of "Don't, my dear," +and "O! Lionel," nobody could help laughing; and Johnny added an +imitation of the clerk at their church in London. After the mirth was +over, Gerald went on, "Why does not every one say Amen here?" + +"Like so many charity children," said Lionel, with a nasal drawl. + +"No, indeed!" cried Gerald, indignantly; "Edmund does it, and +everybody." + +"Everybody! as if you could tell, who never went to church in your life, +except at that little poky place," said Johnny, + +Gerald's colour rose, but Marian's eye met his, and he remembered what +she had said, and answered quietly, "I don't know whether Fern Torr is +poky, but it is a place where people are taught to behave well." + +"Capital, Gerald, excellent!" cried Caroline, laughing heartily, "that +is a hit, Lionel, for you!" while Gerald looked round him, amazed at the +applause with which his speech, made in all simplicity, was received. + +As soon as tea was over, Miss Morley called Lionel and John to repeat +the Catechism, and added doubtfully, "Perhaps Sir Gerald would rather +wait for next Sunday." + +"O no, thank you," said Marian, "we always say it." + +"You need not, Marian," said Caroline, "we never do, only it would be so +troublesome for the boys to have to learn it at school." + +"I should like to say it if Miss Morley has no objection," said Marian. + +"Oh! yes, certainly," was the answer. "See, Lionel, there is an example +for you." + +Marian and Gerald stood upright, with their hands behind them, just as +they had stood every Sunday since they could speak; Lionel was astride +on the music stool, spinning round and round, and Johnny balancing +himself with one leg on the floor, and one hand on the window sill. When +the first question was asked, the grave voice that replied, "Edmund +Gerald," was drowned in a loud shout-- + + "Jack Lyddell, Jack Lyddell, + Shall play on the fiddle"-- + +evidently an old worn out joke, brought to life again in the hope of +making the grave cousins laugh, instead of which they stood aghast. Miss +Morley only said imploringly, "Now, Johnny, my dear boy, _do_," and +proceeded to the next question. Throughout the two boys were careless +and painfully irreverent, and the governess, annoyed and ashamed, +hurried on as fast as she could, in order to put an end to the +unpleasant scene. When it was over she greatly admired the correctness +of Gerald's answers, seeming to think it extraordinary that he should +not have made a single mistake; whereas Marian would have been surprised +if he had. Gerald whispered to his sister as they went down to the +drawing-room, "Would it not be fun to see what Mr. Wortley would say to +Lionel and Johnny, if he had them in his class?" + +On Monday, Marian and Gerald began to fall into the habits of the place, +and to learn the ways of their cousins, though it was many years before +they could be said really to understand them. + +Of their guardian himself, they found they should see very little, for +their four schoolroom companions, his own children, had but little +intercourse with him. Sometimes, indeed, Johnny, who enjoyed the +privileges of the youngest, would make a descent upon him, and obtain +some pleasure or some present, or at least a game of play; and sometimes +Lionel fell into great disgrace, and was brought to him for reproof, but +Caroline and Clara only saw him now and then in the evening, and never +seemed to look to him as the friend and approver that Marian thought all +fathers were. As to Miss Morley, she had only spoken twice to him since +she had been in the house. + +Mrs. Lyddell seemed supreme in everything at home. She was quick, +active, and clever, an excellent manager, nor was she otherwise than +very kind in word and deed; and Marian could by no means understand the +cause of the mixture of dread and repugnance with which she regarded +her. Perhaps it was, that though not harsh, her manner wanted +gentleness; her tones were not soft, and she would cut off answers +before they were half finished. Her bright, clear, cold, blue eye had +little of sympathy in it, and every look and tone showed that she +expected implicit obedience, to commands, which were far from unpleasant +in themselves, though rendered ungracious by the want of softness and +mildness with which they were given. Marian often wondered, apart from +the principle, how her cousins, and even Miss Morley, could venture to +disregard orders given in that decided manner; but she soon perceived +that they trusted to Mrs. Lyddell's multifarious occupations, which kept +her from knowing all their proceedings with exactness, and left them a +good deal at liberty. + +Marian was disposed to like Miss Morley, with her gentle voice and kind +manner, but she was much surprised at her letting things go on among her +pupils, which she must have known to be wrong in themselves, as well as +against express commands of Mrs. Lyddell. Once or twice when she heard +her talking to Clara, she said to herself, "Would not mamma say that was +silly?" but at any rate it was a great thing to have a person of whom +she was not in the least shy or afraid, and who set her quite at her +ease in the schoolroom. + +The first business on Monday morning, after the little boys had gone off +for two hours to a tutor, was an examination into Marian's attainments, +beginning with French and Italian reading and translation, in which she +acquitted herself very well till Mrs. Lyddell came in, and put her in +such a state of trepidation that she no longer knew what she was about. +In truth, Marian's education had been rather irregular in consequence +of her father's illness, and its effect had been to give her a general +cultivation of mind, and appreciation of excellence, to train her to do +her best, and fed an eagerness for information, but without instructing +her in that routine of knowledge for which Mrs. Lyddell and Miss Morley +looked. She was not ready in answering questions, even upon what she +knew perfectly well; she had no tables of names and dates at finger's +ends, and when she saw that every one thought her backward and ignorant, +the feeling that she was not doing justice to her mamma's teaching added +to her confusion, her mistakes and puzzles increased, and at last she +was almost ready to cry. At that moment Caroline said, "Mamma, you have +not seen Marian's drawings yet. Do fetch them, Marian." + +The drawings served in some degree to save Marian in the opinion; at +least, of Miss Morley: for an artist-like hand and eye were almost an +inheritance in the Arundel family, and teaching her had been a great +amusement to Sir Edmund. Miss Morley and Caroline thought her drawings +wonderful; but Mrs. Lyddell, who had never learnt to draw, was, as +Marian quickly perceived, unable to distinguish the merits from the +faults, and was only commending them in order to reassure her. Her music +was the next subject of inquiry, and here again she did not shine, for +practising had been out of the question during the last two years of her +father's life; but as she could not bear to offer this as an excuse, +she only said she knew she could hardly play at all, but she hoped to +improve. To her great relief, Mrs. Lyddell did not stay to listen to +her performance, but went away, leaving her to Miss Morley, who found +something to commend in her taste and touch. + +When the business of learning actually commenced, Marian grew more +prosperous; for she had the good custom of giving her whole attention, +and learnt therefore fast and correctly. Her exercise was very well +done; her arithmetic, in which Edmund had helped her, was almost beyond +Miss Morley's knowledge; and she was quite at home in the history they +were reading aloud. Moreover, when they came to talk of what they had +read, it proved that Marian was well acquainted with many books which +were still only names to Caroline; and when Gerald came in with his +books, his reference to her showed that she knew as much Latin as he +did. + +They dined in the schoolroom at half-past one, then took a walk on the +long, dull, white road, and came back at a little past four; after which +the girls had each to practise for an hour, to look over some lessons +for the next day, and to dress; but all the rest of their time was at +their own disposal. There was to be a dinner-party that evening, and +Clara advised her not to dress till after tea. "For we don't go down +till after dinner," said she, "and I don't like to miss seeing the +people come. Gerald, you had better get ready, though, for you boys +always go down before." + +"Must I?" said Gerald. + +"O yes, that we must!" said Lionel; "and you will see how Johnny there +likes to be petted by all the old ladies, and called their pretty dear." + +Johnny rushed upon his brother, and there was a skirmish between them, +during which Miss Morley vainly exclaimed by turns, "Now Lionel!" and +"Now Johnny!" It ended by John's beginning to cry, Lionel laughing +at him, and declaring that he had done nothing to hurt him, and both +walking off rather sullenly to dress for the evening. Gerald was bent on +the same errand; and no sooner was he gone than Miss Morley, Caroline, +and Clara all broke out into loud praises of him. He was so docile, he +shut the door so gently, he seemed so very clever. He had quite won Miss +Morley's heart by running back to the schoolroom to fetch her parasol +for her when she found she had left it behind; Caroline admired him for +being so merry and playful without rudeness, and Clara chimed in with +them both. All expressed wonder at not finding him a spoiled child; and +this, though the praises gratified Marian greatly, rather offended her +in her secret soul; and she wondered too that Caroline and Clara seemed +disposed to make the very worst of their own little brothers, so as to +set off Gerald's perfections by force of contrast. + +Mrs. Lyddell came in while they were still talking. She was beautifully +dressed, and looked very handsome, and, in Marian's eyes, very +formidable; but she sat down and joined heartily in the praises of +Gerald, till Marian thought, "What could they have expected poor Gerald +to be, if they are so amazed at finding him the dear good little fellow +he is!" It was in fact true that he was an agreeable surprise, for as +an only son--a great treasure--and coming so early to his title, he +was exactly the child whom all would have presumed most likely to be +spoiled; and his ready obedience struck the Lyddells as no less unusual +than those habits in which he had been trained, in consequence of the +necessity of stillness during Sir Edmund's long illness. It was more +natural to him to shut the door quietly than to bang it, to speak than +to shout, and to amuse himself tranquilly in the house than to make a +great uproar. He was courteous, too, and obliging; and though Lionel and +Johnny were in consequence inclined to regard him as a "carpet knight so +trim," the ladies fully appreciated these good qualities. Mrs. Lyddell +perhaps made the more of her satisfaction, because she was conscious of +not liking his sister's stiff, formal, frightened manners. + +Mrs. Lyddell waited till the boys came from dressing, and took them all +three down with her. Clara sat down in the window-seat to watch the +arrivals, as soon as she had recovered from her amazement at hearing +that Marian had not been in a house with a dinner-party since Gerald was +born. "Is it possible!" she went on saying, and then bursting into a +laugh, till Caroline said sharply, "How can you be so silly, Clara! you +know the reason perfectly well." + +"But it is so odd," continued Clara. "Why, we are never a week without a +party, and sometimes two!" + +"Hush," said Caroline, "or I shall never finish my Italian." + +The little boys came up to tea; Gerald would not make much answer when +Clara asked if the ladies had talked to him, but Johnny looked cross, +and Lionel reported "it was because his nose was put out of joint." +Coming up to Marian, to whom he seemed to have taken a fancy, Lionel +further explained confidentially how all the ladies made a fuss with +Johnny, and admired his yellow curls, and called him the rose-bud, and +all sorts of stuff; and how Johnny liked to go down in his fine crimson +velvet, and show off, and have all his nonsense praised, "And the pretty +dear is so jealous," said Lionel, "that he can't bear any one to say one +word to poor me--oh no!" + +"Why, do you wish for them to do so?" said Marian. + +"Oh no, not I--I never did; and I'm glad I'm grown too big and ugly for +them. I always get as near Elliot as I can and try to hear if they are +saying any thing about the hunt; and the ladies never trouble their +heads about what is good for any thing, so they never talk to me." + +"That is no great compliment to Gerald," said Marian. + +"Ah! you'll soon see. If there is any fun in him, they will soon cast +him off; but now he is new, and he has not found them out yet, and they +_do_ dearly like to say Sir Gerald; so Johnny is regularly thrown out, +and that is what makes him look sulky." + +"Well, but it is using him very ill to desert him for Gerald," said +Marian. + +"Oh, they won't desert him. They like mamma's good dinners too well for +that; only Johnny can't bear any one else to be taken notice of. Trust +the county member's son for their making much of him." + +"But that applies to you too, Lionel." + +"Ay, and I could soon get their civility if I cared for it," said Lionel +grandly. "But I know well enough what it is worth. Why, there is Walter, +who is the best of us all--nobody cares one straw for him, except +Caroline and--" + +"And you?" asked Marian. + +"Why--why--yes, if he was not so much of a parson already." + +"Oh, Lionel!" said Marian, shocked; and he turned it rather hastily into +"I mean, he is not up to any thing; he does not shoot, and he does not +care for dogs, or horses; nothing but books for ever." + +A summons to the tea-table put an end to Lionel's communications, which +had so amazed Marian that she could do nothing but ponder on them all +the time that Clara would leave her in quiet. + +The going into the drawing-room was to her a most awful affair; and +Saunders seemed to be very anxious about it, brushing and settling her +hair, and arranging the plain black frock, as if she would never have +done; seeming, too, not a little worried by Clara, who chose to look on +at all her proceedings. At last it was over Marian wished Gerald good +night, and descended with her two cousins and Miss Morley. Caroline +and Clara were in blue, Miss Morley in white; and as they entered just +opposite to a long pier glass, Marian thought that with her white face, +straight dark hair, and deep mourning dress, she looked like a blot +between them, and wished to shrink out of sight, instead of being +conspicuous in blackness. + +The ladies came in a few minutes after, and Caroline and Clara went +forward, shaking hands, smiling, and replying in a way which was by no +means forward, and with ease that to Marian was marvellous. If people +would but be kind enough not to look at her! But Mrs. Lyddell was a +great deal too civil for that too come to pass, and presently Marian was +called and introduced to two ladies. She was seated between them, and +they began talking to her in a patronising manner; telling her they +remembered her dear mamma at her age; saying that they had seen her +brother, and congratulating her on having two such delightful companions +as the Miss Lyddells. Then they asked about Devonshire; and as Marian's +cold short replies let every subject fall to the ground in a moment, +they proceeded to inquire whether she could play. Truth required her to +confess that she could, a very little; and then they begged to hear her. +Poor Marian! this was too much. She felt as if she was in a horrible +mist, and drawing up her head as she always did in embarrassment, she +repeated, "Indeed, indeed I cannot!" protestations which her tormentors +would not believe, and which grew every moment more ungracious, as, to +augment her distress, she saw that Mrs. Lyddell was observing her. At +the moment when she was looking most upright and rigid, Caroline came to +her relief. The same request had just been made to her, and she came to +propose to Marian to join in the one thing she knew she could play--a +duet which she had that morning been practising with Clara. It was very +kind, and Marian knew it; for Caroline had said that she never liked +that duet, and was heartily tired of it; but all the acknowledgement her +strange bashfulness would allow her to make was a grateful look, and a +whisper, "Oh, thank you!" + +Afterwards one of the young lively visitors sang, and Marian, who had +never heard much music, was quite delighted; her stiff company-face +relaxed, a tear came to her eyes, and she sat with parted lips, +forgetting all her fears and all the party till the singing was over, +and Caroline touched her, and told her it was bed-time. Marian wondered +to see how well Caroline and Clara managed to escape without being +observed; but she marvelled at their going to bed so much as if it was a +thing of course to have no "good night" from father or mother. When they +were outside the door, in the hall, Marian, her heart still full of the +music, could not help exclaiming, "How beautiful!" + +"What? Miss Bernard's singing?" said Clara. "I declare, Caroline, Marian +was very nearly crying! I saw you were, Marian." + +"She does sing very nicely," said Caroline, "but that song does not suit +her voice. It is too high." + +"And she makes faces," said Clara, "she strains her throat; and she has +such great fingers--I could never cry at Miss Bernard's singing, I am +sure." + +Marian did not like this. "Good night," said she, abruptly. + +"You are not vexed, are you?" said Clara, kindly. "I did not think you +would mind my noticing your crying. Don't be angry, Marian." + +"Oh, no, I am not at all angry," said Marian, trying to speak with ease, +but she did not succeed well. Her "good nights," had in them a tone as +if she was annoyed, as in fact she was; though not at all in the way +Clara supposed. She did not care for the notice of her tears, but she +said to herself, "This is what Edmund calls destroying the illusion. If +they would but have let me go to bed with the spell of that song resting +on me!" + +She sighed with a feeling of relief and yet of weariness as she came +into her own room, and found Saunders there. Saunders looked rather +melancholy, but said nothing for the first two or three minutes; then as +she combed Marian's hair straight over her face, she began, "I hope you +enjoyed yourself, Miss Marian?" + +"Oh, Saunders," said Marian, "I'm very tired; I don't think I shall ever +enjoy myself anywhere but at home." + +"Ah--hem--ah," coughed Saunders, solemnly; then, after waiting for some +observation from Marian, and hearing only a long yawn and a sigh, she +went on. "Prettily different is this place from home." + +"Indeed it is," said Marian, from her heart. + +"Such finery as I never thought to see below stairs, Miss Marian. I am +sure the Manor House was a pattern to all the country round for comfort +for the servants, and I should know something about it; but here--such +a number of them, such eating and drinking all day long, and the very +kitchen maids in such bonnets and flowers on Sundays, as would perfectly +have shocked Mrs. White. And they are so ignorant. Fancy, Miss Marian, +that fine gentleman the butler declaring he could not understand me, and +that I spoke with a foreign accent! I speak French indeed!" + +"But, Saunders," said Marian, rather diverted, "you do speak Devonshire +a little." + +"Well, Miss Marian, perhaps I may; I only know 'tisn't for them to +boast, for they speak so funny I can't hardly make them out; and with +my own ears I have heard that same Mr. Perkins himself calling you Miss +Harundel. But that is not all. Why, not half of them ever go to church +on a Sunday; and as to Mrs. Mitten, the housekeeper, not a bit does she +care whether they do or not; and no wonder, when Mr. Lyddell himself +never goes in the afternoon, and has gentlemen to speak to him. And then +down at the stables--'tis a pretty set of drinking, good-for-nothing +fellows there. I hope from my heart Sir Gerald won't be for getting down +there among them; but they say Master Lionel and Master John are always +there. And that Mr. Elliot--" + +In this manner Saunders discoursed all the while she was putting Marian +to bed. Both she and her young lady wore doing what had much better have +been let alone. Saunders had no business to carry complaints and gossip, +Marian ought not to have listened to them; but the truth was that +Saunders was an old attached confidential servant, who had come to +Oakworthy, more because she could not bear to let her young master and +mistress go entirely alone and unfriended among strangers, than because +it would be prudent to save a little more before becoming Mrs. David +Chapple. Fern Torr was absolute perfection in her eyes; and had the +household at Oakworthy been of superior excellence, she would have found +fault with everything in which it differed from the Manor House. Her +heart was full; and to Miss Marian, her young lady, a Fern Torrite, a +Devonian like herself, she must needs pour it out, where she had no +other friend. On the other hand, Saunders was still in Marian's eyes a +superior person--an authority--one whom she could never dream of keeping +in order, or restraining; and here a friend, a counsellor, the only +person, except Gerald, who had known the dear home. + +So a foundation was laid for confidences from Saunders, which were not +likely to improve Marian's contentment. When she had bidden her maid +good night, and sat thinking before she knelt down to say her prayers, +she felt bewildered; her head seemed giddy with the strangeness of this +new world; she knew not what in it was right and what was wrong; all +that she knew was, that she felt lonely and dreary, and as if it could +never be home. Her heart seemed to reach out for her mother's embrace +and support, and then Marian sank down on her knees, rested her face on +her arms, and while the tears began to flow, she murmured, "OUR FATHER, +Which art in heaven." + +Soon after, her weary head was on her pillow, and the dim grey light of +the summer night showed the quiet peace and calmness that had settled on +her sleeping face. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + "That is not home where, day by day, + I wear the busy hours away." + + +In a short time, Marian had settled into her place at Oak Worthy, lost +some part of her shyness towards the inhabitants, and arrived at the +terms which seemed likely to continue between her and her cousins. + +There was much that was very excellent about Caroline Lyddell; she had +warm feeling, an amiable and obliging disposition, and great sweetness +of temper; and when first Marian arrived she intended to do all in her +power to make her at home, and be like a sister to her. But she did not +understand reserve; and before Marian had got over her first shyness +and awkwardness, Caroline felt herself repulsed, and ceased to make +demonstrations of affection which met with no better response. Marian +made none on her side; and so the two cousins remained very obliging and +courteous to each other, but nothing more. + +Clara had begun by making herself Marian's inseparable companion in +rather a teasing manner, caressing her continually, and always wanting +to do whatever she was doing; but as novelty was the great charm +in Clara's eyes, and as she met with no very warm return to her +endearments, all this soon wore off; and though she always came to +Marian whenever she had any bit of news to tell,--though she often +confided to her little complaints of the boys or Miss Morley,--this was +no great compliment, for she would have done the same to anything that +had ears. Her talk was no longer, as it had been at first, exclusively +for Marian; and this wag rather a relief, for it was not at all like the +talk Marian was used to with Agnes or with Edmund. + +Young and unformed as Marian was, it would be hard to believe how much, +without knowing it, she missed the intercourse with superior minds, to +which she had been accustomed. It was just as her eye was dissatisfied +with the round green chalk hills, instead of the rocks and streams of +her own dear home; or as she felt weary of the straight, formal walks +she now took, instead of her dear old rambles, + + "Over bank and over brae, + Where the copsewood is the greenest, + Where the fountain glistens sheenest, + Where the lady-fern grows strongest, + Where the morning dew lies longest." + +Edmund's high spirits, Agnes' playful glee,--how delightful they were! +and though Marian often laughed now, it was not as she had laughed at +home. Then, too, she grew shy of making remarks, or asking questions, +when Clara had nothing to say but "How odd!" or Miss Morley would give +some matter-of-fact answer, generally either quite beside the point, or +else what Marian know before. Caroline understood what she meant, and +would take up the subject, but not always in a satisfactory manner; for +she and Marian always seemed to have quite opposite ways of viewing +every thing. Each felt that the other had more serious thoughts and +principles than most of those around them, but yet their likings and +dislikings were very different in the matter of books. "Anna Ross" was +almost the only one of Caroline's favourites that Marian cordially +liked; and this, as Caroline suspected, might he owing to a certain +analogy between Anna's situation and her own, by no means flattering to +the Lyddell family. It was wonderful how many were the disparities +of tastes, views, and opinions between them; but the root of these +differences seemed undiscoverable, since Marian would not or could not +argue, replied to all objections with a dry, short, "I don't know," and +adhered unalterably to her own way of thinking. + +Miss Morley settled the matter by pronouncing that Sir Edmund and Lady +Arundel must have been very narrow-minded people; and this judgment was +so admired by Caroline and Clara, that it was sure to be brought forward +as conclusive, whenever Marian was the subject of conversation. At last +Lionel broke in one day, "Stuff! Marian is a good, sensible, downright +girl, and it is my belief that all that you mean by narrow-mindedness is +that she cares for what is right, and nothing else." + +"How much you know about it, Lionel!" said Clara, laughing; but Caroline +answered in earnest, "There is reason in what you say, Lionel--Marian +does care for what is right; but the question is, whether her views of +it are not narrow?" + +"The narrower the better, say I," said Lionel, as he plaited his +whip-lash. + +"Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, that leadeth unto life," +came into Caroline's head, and she stood thoughtful. Clara exclaimed, +"Well done, Lionel! I wonder what he'll say next to defend his dear +Marian." + +"I know what I mean well enough," said Lionel. "I suppose you call it +being broad-minded to trace your drawings through against the window, +when mamma goes on telling you not. Better have her narrow mind, say I." + +"Then why don't you," said Clara, "instead of going down to the stables +for ever with that man of Elliot's that mamma said you were never to +speak to?" + +Lionel whisked his whip-lash before Clara's eyes, so as to make her +wink. "I did not say I was good myself;" said he; "I said Marian was." +And he ran out of the room. + +Clara laughed at Lionel's admiration of Marian, which had begun to be +a joke in the schoolroom; but Caroline, as she practised her music, +thought a good deal over the conversation. "Is a narrow mind really a +fear of doing wrong?" was a question she asked herself several +times; and then she thought of all the things she had heard called +narrow-minded and scrupulous in Marian or others, but she soon found +herself lost in a mist, and wished she could talk it over with her +former governess, Miss Cameron. As to what Lionel had said about the +drawing, she was conscious she was very wrong; her mamma had called it +an idle practice to trace the outline through against the glass, and +had forbidden it; but a difficulty had soon brought her back to the +window-pane, exclaiming, "Just for this one thing, I am sure mamma would +not object." + +"If Miss Cameron had been here, it would not have happened," said +Caroline to herself with a sigh, and for a few days she kept away from +the window; but another difficulty occurred, again she yielded to the +temptation, and whoa she heard her mother's step in the passage, hurried +back to her desk with guilty precipitation. A few days after, Clara was +actually caught in the fact by Mrs. Lyddell, and then Miss Morley began +making an excuse, evidently quite as much out of kindness to herself as +to her pupil. Marian looked up in surprise, with a wondering, inquiring +expression in her eyes. They were cast down the instant the governess +turned towards her; but Miss Morley always felt abashed, by meeting that +look of astonishment, which awoke in her a sensation of self-reproach +such as she had seldom known before. + +Miss Morley was a little afraid of Marian's eyes, though not of her in +any other respect; nor did she like her much better than Caroline did, +though she gave her much less trouble than any of her other pupils, +except Caroline. Those questions and observations puzzled her, and she +thought the poor child had been reading books beyond her years--it was +such a great disadvantage to be an only daughter. Besides, she really +believed Marian Arundel had no affection for any one,--no warmth of +feeling; she would ten times prefer a less diligent and more troublesome +pupil, in whom she could take some interest, and who showed some +affection, to one so steady and correct in behaviour, without the frank +openness of heart which was so delightful. To make up, however, for this +general want of liking for poor Marian, on the other hand, every one was +fond of Gerald. His behaviour in the schoolroom was so very nice and +good, and out of doors his climbing, running, and riding were no less +admired by his contemporaries. Now and then, indeed, a dispute arose +between him and the other two boys, when Gerald criticised, and declared +that "Edmund and everybody" thought as he did; or when he would try to +outdo the sporting exploits reported of Elliot, by Edmund's shooting at +Fern Torr. One day there was a very serious quarrel, Gerald having +taken up the cause of an unfortunate frog, which Lionel and Johnny were +proposing to hunt, by rolling their marbles at it. + +Gerald declared they should not, that frogs were harmless, innocent +creatures, and that Edmund and everybody liked them. This only made +Lionel and Johnny more determined; partly from the absurdity of Gerald's +appeal, and partly for the sake of mischief; and Gerald was overpowered, +unable to save his protege, and obliged to witness its cruel death. He +burst into tears, and then, came the accusation of crying for a frog. +Poor little boy, he burst away from his tormentors, and never stopped +till, he was safe in his sister's room pouring out his grief to her +and Saunders (for it was her dressing-time), and comforted by their +sympathising horror and pity. + +Saunders said it gave her a turn, and Marian's feelings were much of the +same nature. She could not have thought it of Lionel. He was, indeed, +reckless and unruly; by reputation _the_ naughty one of the set; but +Marian had often thought that much of Johnny's misbehaviour was unjustly +charged on him, and there was an honesty about him, together with a +cordiality towards herself, which made her like him. And that he should +have been wantonly cruel! + +She comforted Gerald as well as she could, and they went back to the +schoolroom together. Lionel, as he often did, brought her a knot in a +piece of string to be untied; she felt almost ready to shrink from him, +as capable of such a deed, and gave it back to him after untying it, +without a word. Lionel stood leaning against the shutter looking at her +for some minutes, while she fetched her books, and sat down to learn her +lessons. Tea came in; and while there was something of a bustle, and all +the others were talking, and engaged in different ways, Lionel crossed +over to her and said in a low voice, "So Gerald has made you angry with +me?" + +"No; but Lionel, I could not have thought you would have done such a +thing." + +"'Twas only a frog," said Lionel; "besides, I only did it to tease +Gerald." + +"I do not see that that makes it any better," said Marian, gravely. + +"Why, Gerald was so ridiculous, to say Edmund and everybody liked frogs; +but I didn't--I only mean that, if he had not made a fuss, I would never +have hurt the frog, and I did not mean to kill it as it was; so never +mind, Marian. I'll tell you what, Marian," added he, sinking his voice, +"I'd rather Caroline and Clara, and poor unfortunate into the bargain, +scolded me till they were black in the face, than that you looked at me +as you did just now." + +"Did I?" said Marian, rather alarmed. "I am sure I did not know I looked +anyhow." + +"Didn't you, though? It is just the way you look at poor unfortunate +when she sports her humbug." + +"Hush, Lionel! this will never do. You know you ought not to talk in +that way," said Marian, rising to put an end to the conversation. + +"But we have made it up?" said Lionel, holding her dress. + +"Yes, yes," said Marian hastily, and with full forgiveness in look +and tone. As she took her place at the tea-table, she wondered within +herself what was the matter with her eyes to cause such remarks, and +still more why she could not help liking Lionel so much the best of her +cousins, in spite of all the naughtiness of word and deed, which shocked +her so much. + +The nest day she was walking in the garden with Clara, when Gerald came +running up, with an entreaty that she would come and have a game at +cricket with him and Lionel. Clara exclaimed, laughed, and stared in +amazement. + +"She plays famously," said Gerald; "she, and Agnes, and I, beat all the +other Wortleys one day last summer. Come, Marian, don't say no; we have +not had a game for a very long time." + +"Who is playing?" asked Marian. + +"Only Lionel and me; Johnny is out with Mrs. Lyddell Come, we want you +very much indeed; there's a good girl." + +To Clara's astonishment and Lionel's admiration, Marian complied; and +though, of course, no great cricketer, her skill was sufficient to +make her a prodigy in their eyes. But the game was brought to a sudden +conclusion by Miss Morley, who, seeing them from the window, came out +very much shocked, and gave the girls a lecture on decorum, which Marian +felt almost as an insult. + +When they went in, Gerald told Saunders the whole adventure; and she, +who at Fern Torr had been inclined to the same opinion as Miss Morley, +and had often sighed and declared it to be unlike young ladies when +Marian and Agnes had played, now agreed with him that it was very hard +on Miss Marian not to have a little exercise, lamented that she should +always be cooped up in the schoolroom, and declared that there could be +no harm in playing with such a little boy as Master Lionel. + +The most unpleasant result was, that Miss Morley and the cousins took an +impression that Agnes Wortley must be a vulgar romp, and were inclined +to think her an unsuitable friend for Marian. Their curiosity was +excited by the frequent letters between the two friends. Marian always +read those which she received with the utmost eagerness, hardly ever +telling any part of their contents, but keeping them to be enjoyed with +Gerald in her own room; and half her leisure moments were employed in +filling fat, black-edged envelopes, which were sent off at least as +often as once a week. + +"I wonder what she says about us!" said Clara, one day. + +"I don't think it would suit you," said Caroline; "I should not think +she painted us _couleur de rose_." + +"Except Lionel," said Clara, "if their admiration is mutual. But, by the +by, Miss Morley, why do you not desire to see her letters? You always +look at mine." + +"She is not quite in the same situation," said Miss Morley. + +"But could not you?" continued Clara. "It would be very entertaining +only to look for once." + +"And I think it would be only proper," said Caroline. "Who knows what +she may say of us to these dear friends of hers?" + +The subject was not allowed to drop; the girls' curiosity led them to +find numerous reasons why their cousin's correspondence should not pass +without examination, and Miss Morley found she must either endure their +importunity, or yield to it. She was driven to choose the part of the +oppressor; and one day, when Clara had been tormenting her more than +usual, she addressed Marian, who was folding up a letter. "I think," +said she, speaking in a timid, deprecating tone--"I think, Marian, if +you please, it might be as well, perhaps, if I were sometimes to look +over your letters; it has always been the custom here." + +Then; was no encouragement to proceed in the look of blank amazement +with which Marian replied, "Edmund Arundel and Mr. Lyddell both approve +of my writing to Agnes Wortley." + +"Ah!" interposed Clara; "but did they mean that your letters should +never be looked over?" + +"I heard nothing about it," said Marian. + +"Miss Cameron always looked over mine," said Caroline. + +"I will ask Mr. Lyddell himself as soon as he comes home," said Marian, +determinedly. + +There was a pause, but Caroline and Clara did not look satisfied. Miss +Morley knew they would leave her no peace if she desisted, and she went +on,--"I wish I could sometimes see a proof of willingness to yield." + +Marian was out of patience, and putting her letter into the desk, locked +it up; and Caroline laughingly remarked, "Really, there must be some +treason in that letter!" If the observation had been taken as it was +meant, all would have been well; but Marian bit her lip with an air that +convinced the sisters that Caroline had hit the mark; and their glances +stimulated Miss Morley to say, as decidedly as she could, "Marian, your +present conduct convinces me that it is desirable that I should see that +letter." + +Marian's dark eyes gave one indignant flash, as she proudly drew up her +head, opened her desk, laid her letter on the table before Miss Morley, +and slowly walked out of the room; but as soon as she had shut the door, +she ran at full speed along the passage to her own room, where, throwing +herself on the bed, she gave way to a fit of violent weeping, and sobs +which shook her whole frame. Proud, passionate feelings at first almost +choked her, and soon these were followed by a flood of the bitter tears +of loneliness and bereavement. "Who would have dared insult her thus, +had her father and mother been living?" and for a minute her agony for +their loss was more intense than it had ever been. Gradually, "the +turbid waters brightening as they ran," became soothing, as she dwelt on +the sweet, holy memory of her parents, and wholesome as she mourned over +her fit of pride and anger. But for what were they accountable, whose +selfish weakness and thoughtless curiosity had caused the orphan's tears +to flow? + +Caroline had not seen those flashing eyes without an instant perception +of the injustice of the accusation. Her half-jesting speech had led +the matter much further than she had intended; and alarmed at the +consequences, she ran after her cousin to entreat her pardon; but +Marian, unconscious of all save the tumult within herself, hurried on +too fast to be overtaken, and just as Caroline reached her door, had +shut it fast, and drawn the bolt, and a gentle knock and low call of +"Marian, dear Marian," were lost in the first burst of sobs. Caroline, +baffled and offended, turned away with feelings even more painful than +hers; and too proud to repeat the call, walked up and down, waiting till +the door should be opened, to assure her cousin that nothing should +induce her to touch the letter, and to beg her forgiveness; but as +minutes passed away in silence, she grew tired of waiting, thought +Marian sullen and passionate, and at length, returned to the schoolroom. +As soon as she entered, Clara exclaimed, "O Caroline, only think, how +odd--" + +"I don't want to hear anything about it," said Caroline, sitting down to +the piano; "I wish we had never thought of it." + +She began, playing with all her might, but gradually she abated her +vehemence, as she caught a few sounds of a conversation between Clara +and Miss Morley. At last she turned round, asking, "What? who is his +godfather?" + +"Mr. Arundel, 'Edmund and every body,' you know," answered Clara. "I +never heard anything like it. Only fancy his hearing that boy say his +catechism!" + +"What? I don't understand," said Caroline; "Mr. Arundel and Gerald! +Nonsense! He can't be his godfather. Mamma said he was only +four-and-twenty, and Gerald is almost nine." + +"Here is Marian's authority for it," said Clara; "and certainly those +Arundels are a curious family." + +"Mr. Arundel is the next heir, is he not?" inquired Miss Morley. + +"Yes," said Caroline; "I heard mamma telling old Mrs. Graves the whole +story. His father and mother both died when he was very young, and Sir +Edmund brought him up entirely, and every one looked upon him as the +heir till Gerald was born; and a groat disappointment it must have been, +for now he has next to nothing. But they all were just as fond of each +other as before; and it does seem very strange that Sir Edmund should +have made him their guardian, at his age, when there was Lord Marchmont, +who is their cousin, too." + +"I dare say," said Clara, as if a most brilliant thought had struck her, +"I dare say there is a family compact, such as one reads of in books, +that he is to marry Marian." + +"My dear Clara!" said Miss Morley laughing, "How should such a notion +come into your little head?" + +"Now see if it is not so!" said Clara; "I do believe she is in love with +him already, and he is coming to see her." + +"Is he?" cried Caroline, "I am very curious to sec him. Mamma says he is +very handsome, and quite a distinguished looking person. When does he +come?" + +"You had better read," said Clara; "I can tell you that there are +wonderful things in the letter." + +Curiosity again asserted its power, and Caroline yielded. The letter had +been opened, and it would not signify if one more person looked at it. +She took it, and read eagerly and stealthily, starting at every sound. + + "My dear Agnes--I hope you and Jemmy are getting + on well in your solitude without the schoolboys. Tell + Charles, when you write, that a gentleman staying here + caught a trout last week that weighed three pounds, but I + believe that those which are caught in these rivers taste of + mud, and are not nearly so good as our own. I was very + much afraid that Gerald would go to school this summer, + but now Mrs. Lyddell has heard that it was settled that he + should not go till he was ten, and it is arranged for him to + stay till next year, when I hope he will be happier than + Charles was at first. You asked after his drawing, so I + have put in the last scrap I met with, and in case you + should not be able to find out what it is meant for, I must + inform you that it is the dog springing on the young Buecleuch. + The other day he sent Edmund a letter in hieroglyphics, + with pictures instead of nouns, and Edmund answered + it in the same way with funny little clever drawings + throughout. His regiment is going abroad nest spring, he + thinks, to the Cape, but he has promised to come and see us + first, and thinks of going home to see about his things. + Thank Mrs. Wortley for being so kind as to scold me for + not dating my letters. I shall not be likely to forget the + date of this on September 30th, for Mr. Lyddell has just + paid me my first quarter's allowance, and I am frightened + to think how large it is; ten pounds a quarter only for my + dress, and I am to have more when I am seventeen. So + matters can go on more as they used in the parish. Will + you be so kind as to pay this quarter's schooling for Amy + Lapthorn and Honor Weeks and Mary Daw, and find out + what clothes they want, and if Susan Grey has not a new + bonnet, give her one, and a flannel petticoat for old Betty, + and if any body else wants anything else let me know, and + pay up for all the children that dear mamma used to put into + the penny club, and send me word what it comes to, and I + will send the money when Edmund comes to pay his visit. + I suppose the apples are gathered by this time; you cannot + think how I miss the golden and red piles under the trees, + and the droning of the old cyder press. And do those beautiful + Red Admiral butterflies come in the crowds they did + last year to the heaps of apples in our orchard? Do you remember + how we counted five that all came and sat on your + pink frock while we were watching them? + + "Will Mr. Wortley be kind enough to tell me of some + book of questions on the Catechism, more advanced than the + one he gave me? I suppose we ought to go on with the Catechism, + till we are confirmed, and so Gerald and I always go + through a section every Sunday, taking the book by turns, + and he knows our old one perfectly. He is so good and + steady about it that I quite wonder, considering that there + is no authority to keep him up to it, but he is very anxious + to stand a good examination when his godfather comes, and + Edmund is sure to ask hard questions. And Gerald has + never missed since we have been here, getting up in time to + come and read the Psalms with me before breakfast, and + really I think that is exceedingly good of him; but I have + come to the end of my paper, so good-bye. + + "Your affectionate + + "MARIAN C. ARUNDEL." + +Caroline's cheeks glowed as she read, both with shame at her own +proceedings, and with respect for her narrow-minded cousin; but she had +no opportunity for making remarks, for just as she had finished the +letter, and folded it up again, the boys were heard coming in. The first +thing Gerald said was, "So Marian has not sent her letter; I will run +down with it, or it will be too late." + +"It is not sealed," said Clara. + +"Clara looks as if she had been peeping," said Johnny. + +"I should like to see any one peep into Marian's letters," said Gerald, +taking it up, and carrying it away with him. + +Lionel stood with his eyes fixed on Clara. "I do believe it is true +then!" said he, laying hold of Clara's arm; "I have a great mind to say +I'll never speak to you again, Clara. Peeping into people's letters. +Why, you ought to be hooted through the town!" + +The boys looked nearly ready to put the hooting into effect, but Clara +answered angrily, "Peeping! I have been doing no such thing! Don't be so +rude, Lionel." + +"That is humbug," said Lionel; "you have been looking impudently, if you +have not been peeping slyly." + +"Lionel, you are a very naughty boy indeed!" said Clara, almost crying; +"I have done just as Miss Morley and Caroline have been doing; Miss +Morley always looks over----" + +"Let who will do it," said Lionel, "it is an impudent, ungentlemanlike +thing, that you all ought to be ashamed of. I declare papa shall hear of +it." + +"Lionel, do you know what you are saying?" said Caroline. + +"This is sadly naughty!" feebly murmured Miss Morley. + +"Lionel, mamma will be very angry," said Clara. + +"I don't care," said Lionel loudly and vehemently; "I know that you all +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, every one of you. Why, if you +were boys you would never hold up your heads again; but girls can do +anything, and that is the reason they have no shame." + +"Hush! Lionel, dear Lionel!" said Caroline, coming to him persuasively, +but he shook her off: + +"I want none of your _dears_," said he; "ask Marian's pardon, not mine." + +He turned his back, and took up a book. The girls dared say no more to +him; Miss Morley very nearly cried as she thought how impossible it was +for women to manage great boys. She ought to complain of his rudeness, +but the explanation of what gave rise to it was impossible, and so, poor +woman, she thought herself too good-natured. + +Gerald, in the meantime, had gone to his sister's room, where he called +hastily on finding the door fastened. She opened it, and he eagerly +asked what was the matter. + +"Never mind," said Marian; "thank you for remembering my letter. Will +you fetch the sealing wax out of----" + +"Well, but what is the matter?" + +"Nothing that signifies; never mind." + +"But I do mind, I can't bear for you to cry. You know I can't, so don't +begin again," added he, as his affectionate tones made her lip quiver, +and her eyes fill with tears. + +"But, Gerald, pray get the wax, or----. But no, no," added she +hurriedly, "do not, I will not touch it, till----" + +"Till when?" asked Gerald; "I wish you would tell me how they have +been vexing you. I am sure they hare, for they all looked guilty. Poor +Marian!" He put his arm round her neck, and drew her cheek to his. Who +could withstand such a brother? Marian whispered. "Only--but don't make +a fuss--only Miss Morley made me show her my letter." + +He started from her, and broke forth into a torrent of indignation; and +it was not quickly that she succeeded in getting him to listen to her +entreaties that he would not tell any one. + +"What do you mean to do?" said he. "O I will write such a letter to +Edmund, in hopes she will ask to see it. But she won't venture on mine. +Shall I tell Edmund?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you do nothing; pray don't say anything. I will speak +to Mr. Lyddell, for it was he who gave me leave." + +"And I hope he will give poor unfortunate a good rowing. Won't it be +fun?" + +"Now, Gerald, pray don't say such things, or I shall be sorry I told +you. I dare say she thought it was right." + +"Stuff and nonsense! Right indeed! I hope Mr. Lyddell will give it to +her well!" + +"If I may not write without having my letters read, I am sure I shall +never be able to write at all!" + +"And when shall you speak? Luckily there is no company to-night, and I +hope I shall be there to hear." + +"No, you will not; I shall wait till you are gone to bed, for I am sure +Lionel and Johnny ought to know nothing about it. I believe I had better +not have told you; but, Gerald, you are all I have, and I can't help +telling you everything." + +"Of course, Marian, so you ought, for let them laugh at me as they will, +I always tell you everything. And won't it be nice when I am grown up, +and we can get away from them all, and live at home together, and I go +out shooting every day, and you and Ranger stand at the top of the steps +to watch me? For Ranger will be too old to go out shooting by that +time." + +In the midst of this picture of rural felicity, Saunders came to tell +Marian that it was time to dress. + +When she returned to the schoolroom, Caroline would have given anything +not to have read the letter; she was too sure that there was nothing +wrong in it, and she could not show the trust in her cousin which would +have enabled her to speak freely, and say she was very sorry for her +speech and meant nothing by it; nor did she wish to revive the subject +before Lionel, whose indignation would be still more unpleasant in +Marian's own presence. She therefore said nothing, and on the other hand +Marian felt awkward and constrained; Lionel was secretly ashamed of his +own improper behaviour to Miss Morley, and well knowing that he should +never dare to perform his threat of telling his father, put on a surly +kind of demeanour, quite as uncivil to Marian as to anyone else; and but +that Clara never minded anything, and that Johnny knew and cared little +about the matter, their tea that evening would have been wonderfully +unsociable. Gerald had not much to say, but the bent of his thoughts was +evident enough when his ever-busy pencil produced the sketch of a cat +pricking her paw by patting a hedgehog rolled up in a ball. + +Neither Miss Morley nor her pupils ever expected to hear more of the +letter, for they knew perfectly well that what Lionel had said was but a +threat, for the appeal direct to Mr. or Mrs. Lyddell was a thing never +thought of at Oakworthy. Marian had, however, made up her mind; her +anxiety overpowered her shyness; she knew that Mr. Lyddell was the +proper person, and perhaps the fact was that she was less afraid of him +than of his wife. So, though she resisted all the glances cast at her +by Gerald, whenever he thought he saw a good opportunity for her, and +waited till all the three little boys had gone to bed, she by no means +gave up her purpose. It was time for her too, to wish good night; and +while her heart beat fast, she said, "Mr. Lyddell, you gave me leave to +write to Agnes Wortley. Was it on condition of my letters being looked +over?" + +"Who meddles with your letters?" said Mr. Lyddell, much surprised. + +Caroline, having helped to get her governess into the scrape, thought +it but fair to say what she could for her, and answered, "Miss Morley +thought that you and mamma would wish it." + +"By no means," said Mr. Lyddell, turning to Marian, "I have the +highest opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley, the very highest; I wish your +correspondence to be perfectly free." + +"Thank you," said Marian. "Good night!" and away she went, to tell +Gerald how it had passed; and he, who had been lying awake in +expectation, was much disappointed to hear no more than this. + +As soon as she was gone, Mrs. Lyddell exclaimed, "What could have given +Miss Morley reason to think that her letters were to be inspected? +Really, Miss Morley must have some courage! I should be sorry to be the +person to make the request." + +"Ah! Marian was very angry indeed," said Clara; "quite in a passion." + +"Very proper," said Mr. Lyddell. "A spirited thing. She is a girl of +sense." + +Mrs. Lyddell let the matter drop with the girls, but going to the +schoolroom, she inquired into it more fully, and found that by poor +unfortunate faithful Morley's own account, she had allowed herself to +be made the tool of the curiosity of Caroline and Clara. She spoke +severely, and Miss Morley had displeasure to endure, which was +considerably more disagreeable than all Clara's importunities could have +been. + +However, the next morning it appeared as if the whole affair was +forgotten by all parties; Marian win just as usual, and so were her +cousins; but, in secret, Caroline felt guilty, and held her in higher +estimation since she had seen the contents of the letter, which, as +she could perceive, Marian might well be doubly unwilling to show; she +wished that Marian would but be as open to her as she was to Agnes, but +this unfortunate business seemed like another great bar to their ever +being really intimate, and she did not know how to surmount it. + +These reflections were shortly after driven out of Caroline's head by +a severe fit of toothache, which for three days made her unfit for +anything but to sit by the fire reading idle books. Mrs. Lyddell +proposed to take her to Salisbury to consult a dentist, and Lionel was +supposed likewise to require inspection. Then, turning to Marian, Mrs. +Lyddell said, "This is not the pleasantest kind of expedition, but +perhaps you may like to see Salisbury, and I think your bonnet wants +renewing." + +"Thank you," said Marian, pleased with the Invitation. "I shall be very +glad to go; I believe my teeth ought to be looked at. The dentist at +Exeter said last winter that they were crowded and ought to be watched." + +"Very well," said Mrs. Lyddell, "we will see what Mr. Polkinghorn says." + +"Polkinghorn," said Marian, as Mrs. Lyddell left the room; "that is a +Devonshire name." + +"You are very welcome to him, I am sure," said Caroline; "I wish the +trade was abolished." + +"What cowards girls are!" said Lionel. + +"Let us see how boys behave before we say anything against girls," was +Marian's answer. + +"Shan't you scream?" said Lionel. + +"Of course she will not," said Caroline, "unless with joy at meeting a +Devonshire man." + +Marian laughed, and Lionel began an exhilarating story about an +unfortunate who was strapped to the dentist's chair, dragged nine times +round the room, and finally had his jaw broken. + +Marian enjoyed her drive to Salisbury, though it added to her contempt +for Wiltshire scenery, by showing her more and more of desolate down. +She watched the tall Cathedral spire from far in the distance, peering +up among the hills like a picture more than a reality, and she admired +the green meadows and quiet vale where the town stands. Poor Caroline +was taken up with dreadful anticipations of Mr. Pokingtooth, as Lionel +called him, and when arrived at his clamber of torture, hung back, so as +to allow Marian to be the first victim. The result of the examination +was, that it would be better; though not absolutely necessary, that a +certain double tooth should be extracted, and Mr. Polkinghorn, left the +room in search of an instrument. + +"So you think it ought to go?" sighed Marian. + +"I should say so," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you may decide for yourself." + +Marian covered her face with her hands, and considered. The dentist +returned; she laid back her head and opened her mouth, and the tooth +was drawn. Caroline and Lionel escaped more easily, and they left the +dentist's. Mrs. Lyddell said something in commendation of Marian's +courage, and asked if she would like to see the Cathedral, an offer +which she gladly accepted, expecting to go to the service, as the bells +now began to ring; but she was disappointed, for Mrs. Lyddell said, "Ah! +I had forgotten the hour. We must do our commissions first, and be at +the Cathedral before the doors are shut." Marian did not venture to +express her wishes, but she thought of the days when attending the +Cathedral service had been the crowning pleasure of a drive to Exeter, +and in dwelling on the recollection, she spent the attention which Mrs. +Lyddell expected her to bestow on her new bonnet. + +Their business did not occupy them very long, and they entered the +Cathedral before the anthem was over; but Marian felt that it was not +fitting to loiter about the nave while worship was going on within the +choir; and the uncomfortable feeling occupied her so much, that she +could hardly look at the fair clustered columns and graceful arches, and +seemed scarcely to know or care for the gallant William Longsword, when +led to the side of his mail-clad, cross-legged effigy. The deep notes of +the organ, which delighted Caroline, gave her a sense of shame; and even +when the service was over, and they entered the choir, these thoughts +had not so passed away as to enable her to give full admiration to the +exquisite leafy capitals and taper arcades of the Lady Chapel. Perhaps, +too, there was a little perverseness in her inability to think that this +Cathedral surpassed that of Exeter. + +She thanked Mrs. Lyddell rather stiffly, as she thought to herself, "I +did not reckon upon this!" and they set out on their homeward drive. +Caroline looked thoughtful, and did not say much, Lionel fell asleep, +and Mrs. Lyddell, after a few not very successful attempts at talking to +Marian, took out her bills, and began to look over them and to reckon. +Marian sat looking out of the window, lost in a vision of the hills, +woods, and streams of Fern Torr, which lasted till they had reached +home. + +Such an expedition was so uncommon an event in the lives of the +inhabitants of the schoolroom, that those who stayed at home were as +excited about it as those who went, and a full and particular account +was expected of all they had seen and all they had done. Caroline and +Lionel both seemed to think Marian a perfect miracle of courage in +voluntarily consenting to lose a tooth. + +"And I am sure," said Caroline as they sat at tea, "I cannot now +understand what made you have it done." + +"To oblige a countryman," said Marian laughing. + +"Well, but what was your real reason?" persisted Caroline. + +"Mrs. Lyddell thought it best, and so did the dentist," said Marian. + +"O," said Caroline, "he only said so because it was his trade." + +"Then how could Mrs. Lyddell depend on him?" said Marian, gravely. + +"Dentists never are to be depended on," said Caroline; "they only try to +fill their own pockets like other people." + +"You forget," said Lionel, "Devonshire men are not like other people." + +"O yes, I beg their pardon," said Caroline, while every one laughed +except Gerald; who thought the praise only their due. + +"But why did you have it done?" said Clara, returning to the charge; "I +am sure I never would." + +"Yes, but Marian is not you," said Lionel. + +"You would have disobeyed no one," said Caroline. + +"I do not know," said Marian, thinking of one whom she would have +disobeyed by showing weakness. + +"Then did you think it wrong not to have that tooth drawn?" said +Caroline. + +"I do not know." + +"Did you think it right to have it done?" + +"I do not know, unless that I did not like it." + +"Do you mean to say that not liking a thing makes it right?" exclaimed +Clara. + +"Very often," said Marian. + +"Miss Morley, now is not that Popish?" cried Clara. + +"Perhaps your cousin can explain herself," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, "you must tell us what you mean." + +"I don't know," was Marian's first answer; but while uttering the reply, +the real reason arranged itself in words; and finding she must speak +clearly, she said, "Self-denial is always best, and in a doubtful case, +the most disagreeable is always the safest." + +Miss Morley said that Marian was right in many instances, but that this +was not a universal rule, and so the conversation ended. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + "O Brignal banks are fresh and fair, + And Greta woods are green; + I'd rather rove with Edmund there, + Than reign our English queen." + + ROKEBY. + + +Winter came, and with it the time fixed for that farewell visit from +Edmund Arundel, to which Marian and Gerald had long looked forward. +Marian was becoming very anxious for it on Gerald's account, for she was +beginning to feel that he was not quite the same child as when he first +arrived at Oakworthy. He was less under control, less readily obedient +to Miss Morley, less inclined to quote Edmund upon all occasions, more +sensible of his own consequence, and more apt to visit that forbidden +ground, the stables. + +She longed for Edmund's coming, trusting to him to set everything right, +and to explain to her the marvels of this strange new world. + +Several gentlemen were staying in the house, and there was to be a +dinner party on the day when he was expected, so that she thought the +best chance of seeing him would be to stay in the garden with Gerald, +while the others took their walk, so that she might be at hand on his +arrival. Clara, though by no means wanted, chose to stay also, and the +two girls walked up and down the terrace together. + +"It is so very odd," said Clara "that you should care about such a great +old cousin." + +"He is only twenty-four," answered Marian. + +"But he must have been grown up ever since you remember." + +"Yes, but he is so kind. He used to carry us about and play with us when +we were quite little children, and since I have been older he has made +me almost a companion. He taught me to ride, and trained my bay pony, +my beautiful Mayflower, and read with me, and helped me in my music and +drawing." + +"That is more than Elliot would do for us, if he could," said Clara. "It +is very dull to have no one to care about our lessons, but to be shut up +in the schoolroom for ever with poor unfortunate." + +Marian did not choose to say how fully she assented to this complaint, +but happiness had opened her heart, and she went on,--"I have had so +many delightful walks with him through the beautiful wood full of rocks, +and out upon the moor. O, Clara, you cannot think what it is to sit upon +one of those rocks, all covered with moss and lichen, and the ferns +growing in every cleft and cranny, and the beautiful little ivy-leafed +campanula wreathing itself about the moss, and such a soft, free, +delicious air blowing all around. And Edmund and I used to take out a +book, and read and sketch so delightfully there!" + +"Do you know, Marian," said Clara mysteriously, "I have heard some one +say--I will not tell you who--that it is a wonder that Mr. Arundel is so +fond of you, of Gerald, at least, for if it was not for him, he would +have had Fern Torr, and have been Sir Edmund." + +"But why should he not be fond of Gerald?" + +"Really, Marian, you are a very funny person in some things," exclaimed +Clara. "To think of your not being able to guess that!" + +Here Mrs. Lyddell interrupted them by calling from the window to ask why +they were staying in the garden? + +"We were waiting to see Mr. Arundel, mamma," answered Clara. + +"I think," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that as I am going out, it is not quite +_the thing_ for you young ladies to wait to receive a gentleman in my +absence. You had better overtake the others. Marian will see Mr. Arundel +in the evening." + +"How cross!" exclaimed Clara, as soon as they were out of hearing. "Now +we have to go along that horrid, stupid path that poor unfortunate is +so fond of! If mamma had to go there herself, she would know what a +nuisance it is!" + +Marian was silent, because she was too much annoyed to speak properly +of Mrs. Lyddell, whose interference seemed to her a needless piece of +unkindness. At home she would have thought it strange not to hasten to +greet cousin Edmund, and she feared he would think she neglected him, +yet she could not, in Clara's presence, leave a message for him with her +brother. Gerald begged her to remain, but she replied, with, a short, +blunt "I can't," and set off with Clara, feeling provoked with +everybody. In process of time she recovered candour enough to +acknowledge to herself that Mrs. Lyddell was right as far as Clara was +concerned, but the struggle kept her silent, her cousin thought her +sulky, and the walk was not agreeable. + +Gerald did not as usual attend her toilette, but as she passed along the +passage on her way to the schoolroom, she heard sounds in the hall so +like home that her heart bounded, Gerald's voice and Edmund's in reply! +She could not help opening the door which separated the grand staircase +from the schoolroom passage, the voice sounded plainer, she looked over +the balusters, and saw--yes, actually saw Edmund, the top of his black +head was just below her. Should she call? Should she run half-way down +stairs, and just exchange one greeting unrestrainedly? But no; her heart +beat so fast as to take away her breath, and that gave her time for +recollection: Mrs. Lyddell might not think it proper, it would be +meeting him in an underhand way, and that would never do! + +Marian turned back, shut the door of communication, and in the next +moment was in the schoolroom. When Gerald came up to tea, he was in the +wildest spirit; making fun, romping with Lionel and John, and putting +everything in such an uproar that it was quite a relief when the time +came for going down to the drawing-room. + +Now, Marian's great fear was that the gentlemen would be cruel enough +to stay in the dining-room till after half-past nine, when she would +be obliged to go to bed. She could hardly speak to anybody, she shrank +away, as near the door as she dared, and half sprang up every time it +opened, then sat down ashamed of herself, and disappointed to see only +the servants with coffee and tea. + +At last, the fatal time had all but come, when the black figures of the +gentlemen entered one after the other, Marian scarcely venturing to look +at them, and overpowered with a double access of fright and shyness, +which chained her to her seat, and her eyes to the ground. But +now--Edmund's hand was grasping hers, Edmund was by her side, his voice +was saying, "Well, Marian, how are you?" + +She looked up at him for one moment, then on the ground again, without +speaking. + +"Oakworthy has put no colour in your cheeks," said he. "Are you quite +well?" + +"Quite, thank you," said she, almost as shortly and coldly as if she had +been answering Mrs. Lyddell. + +"When did you hear from home?" + +"Yesterday," said she, speaking more readily. "Agnes always writes once +a week. When do you go there?" + +"Next week, when I leave this place." + +"You come from the Marchmonts, don't you?" + +"Yes, Selina sends you her love, and all manner of kind messages. She +hopes to see you in London after Easter." + +"O dear! There is Mrs. Lyddell looking at me, and I see Caroline is +gone! Good night, Edmund." + +"So soon? I hoped to have seen more of you to-day; I came early on +purpose." + +"I thought so, but they would not let me stay at home." + +"I understand. Don't squeeze up your lips and look woeful. I knew how it +was. Good night." + +Marian walked slowly up stairs, sighing as she went, and looked into +Gerald's room. He was awake, and called out, "Well, Marian, are you not +glad he has come?" + +"O yes, very," returned Marian, in a tone of little gladness; "I hope +you will be very happy with him." + +"Why not you?" + +"It will be all disappointment," she answered in a choking voice, as, +sheltered by the darkness, she knelt down by Gerald's bed, and burst +into tears. "It will all be like to-day." + +"No, it shall not!" cried Gerald; "I will tell Edmund all about it, and +he shall send them all to the right about! I can't think why you did not +tell Mrs. Lyddell that you always stay at home for Edmund." + +"Miss Arundel," said Saunders, at the door, "do you know that it is half +an hour later than usual?" + +The next morning Marian awoke with brighter spirits. It was possible +that she might accomplish one walk with him, and Gerald was sure of +being constantly at his side, which was the great point. At any rate, +she could not be very unhappy while he was in the house. + +She heard nothing of him all the morning, but, just as the schoolroom +dinner was over, in came Mrs. Lyddell, and with her Edmund himself, to +the great surprise of all the inhabitants. Marian looked very happy, but +said very little, while there was some talk with Miss Morley, and then +Edmund asked if she had no drawings to show him. She brought out her +portfolio, and felt it like old times when he observed on her improved +shading, or criticised the hardness of her distant hills, while Miss +Morley wondered at his taste and science. It was delightful to find that +she and Gerald were really to take a walk with him by themselves. She +almost flew to fetch her walking dress, and soon the three were on their +way together. + +There was a great quantity of home news to be talked over, for Edmund +had not heard half so often nor so minutely as Marian, and he had to be +told how Charles Wortley got on at his new school, that Ranger had +been lost for a day and a half, and many pieces of the same kind of +intelligence, of which the most important was that Farmer Bright's widow +had given up the hill farm, and his nephew wanted to take it, but Mr. +Wortley hoped that this would not be allowed, as he was a dissenter. + +"Indeed!" said Edmund; "I wonder Carter did not mention that." + +"Had you heard this before?" said Marian; "I thought it news." + +"Most of it is," said Edmund, "but not about the farm. The letting it is +part of my business here, but I did not know of this man's dissent. Your +correspondence has done good service." + +"I am sure it is my great delight," said Marian; "I do not know what I +should do without hearing from Agnes. I think I have learnt to prize her +more since I have known other people." + +"You don't find the Miss Lyddells quite as formidable as you expected +though?" said Edmund; "the eldest has a nice open, countenance." + +"We get on very well," said Marian. "Caroline is so good-tempered and +clever, and Lionel is delightful." + +"O, Edmund," interposed Gerald, "Lionel and I had such fun the other +day. We caught the old donkey and blindfolded it with our handkerchiefs, +and let it loose, and if you could but have seen how it kicked up its +heels----" + +They went on with the history of adventures of the same description, +enjoying themselves exceedingly, and when Marian went in, she was much +pleased to find how favourable an impression Edmund had made on her +companions, although some of their commendations greatly surprised her; +Miss Morley pronouncing that he had in the greatest degree an _air +distingue_, and was a remarkably fashionable young man. Marian could +endure the _air distingue_, but could hardly swallow the fashionable +young man, an expression which only conveyed to her mind the idea of +Elliot Lyddell and his moustached friends. However, she knew it was +meant for high praise, and her present amiable fit was strong enough to +prevent her from taking it as an insult. + +The next day was Sunday, and she provokingly missed Edmund three times, +in the walks to and from church, he being monopolized by "some stupid +person," who had far less right to him than she had; but at last, +when she had been completely worried and vexed with her succession of +disappointments, and had come into what Lionel would have emphatically +called "a state of mind," Edmund contrived to come to her before going +in doors, and asked if she could not take a few turns with him on the +terrace. She came gladly, and yet hardly with full delight, for the +irritation of the continually recurring disappointments through the +whole day, still had its influence on her spirits, and she did not at +first speak. "Where is Gerald?" asked Edmund. + +"I don't know; somewhere with the boys," said Marian, disconsolately. + +"Well, why not?" said Edmund laughing. + +"I don't know," said Marian. + +"That is a meditative 'I don't know,' which conveys more than meets the +ear." + +"I don't know whether----; I mean I don't think it does Gerald any +good." + +"It?--what?" + +"I don't know," repeated Marian in a tone which to any one else would +have appeared sullen. + +"I should like to arrive at your meaning, Marian. Are you not happy +about Gerald!" + +"I don't know," said Marian; but Edmund, convinced that all was not +right, was resolved to penetrate these determined professions of +ignorance. + +"Is Gerald under Miss Morley?" he asked. + +"Yes, during most of the day. They all say he is very good." + +"And does not that satisfy you?" + +"I don't know." + +Edmund perceived that the subject of her brother was too near her heart +to be easily approached, and resolved to change his tone. + +"How have you been getting on?" he asked. "Does learning flourish under +the present dynasty?" + +"I don't know," replied Marian for the seventh time, but she did not as +usual stop there, and continued, "they think one knows nothing unless +one has learnt all manner of dates, and latitudes, and such things. Not +one of them knew Orion when they saw him in the sky, and yet even Clara +thought me dreadfully stupid because I could not find out on the globe +the altitude of Beta in Serpentarius, at New Orleans, at three o'clock +in the morning." + +Edmund could not help laughing at her half-complaining, half-humorous +tone, and this encouraged her to proceed. + +"In history they don't care whether a man is good or bad; they only care +when he lived. O Edmund, the lists of names and dates, kings and Roman +emperors----." + +"Metals, semi-metals, and distinguished philosophers," said Edmund; and +Marian, who in days of old had read "Mansfield Park," laughed as she +used to do at home. + +"Exactly," said she, "O, Edmund, it is very different learning from what +it used to be. All lesson and no thinking, no explaining, no letting one +make out more about the interesting places. I wanted the other day to +look out in some history book to find whether Rinaldo in Tasso was a +real man, but nobody would care about it; and as to the books, all the +real good _grown-up_ ones are down in Mr. Lyddell's library, where no +one can get at them." + +"Does not Miss Lyddell enter into these things?" + +"O yes, Caroline does, a great deal more than Miss Morley; but I don't +know--I never can get on with Caroline----." + +Marian had now gone on to the moment when her heart was ready to be +open, and the whole story, so long laid up for Edmund, began to be +poured forth; while he, anxious to hear all, and more sympathizing than +he was willing to show himself, only put in a word or two here and +there, so as to sustain the narration. Everything was told, how Clara +was frivolous and wearisome; how Caroline was cold, incomprehensible, +and unsympathetic; how unjust and weak Miss Morley was; how sharp, +hasty, and unmotherly she found Mrs. Lyddell; and then, growing more +eager, Marian, with tears springing to her eyes, told of the harm the +influence of Oakworthy was doing Gerald; his love of the stables, and +Saunders' opinion of the company he was likely to meet there. This led +her to more of Saunders' communications about the general arrangement +of the house, and the want of really earnest care for what is right; +further still to what Saunders had told of Elliot and his ways, which +were such as to shock her excessively, and yet she had herself heard Mr. +Lyddell say that he was a fine spirited fellow! + +Edmund was not sorry to find that he had but small space in which to +give the reply for which Marian was eagerly looking. He avoided the main +subject, and spoke directly to a point on which his little cousin was +certainly wrong. "Well, Marian, who would have thought of your taking to +gossiping with servants?" Then, as she looked down, too much ashamed to +speak, he added, "I suppose poor Saunders has not sought for charms at +Oakworthy any more than you have." + +"Indeed I do not think I tried to make the worst of it when I came." + +"Is that a confession that you are doing so now?" + +"I do not know." + +"Then let us see if you will give the same account to-morrow; I shall +ask you whenever I see you particularly amiable. And now I think I have +kept you out quite late enough." + +The next day was very pleasant, bright, and frosty; Marian, from having +relieved her heart, felt more free and happy, and her lessons went off +quickly and smoothly. All went well, even though Edmund was obliged to +go and call on a friend at Salisbury instead of coming to walk with her. +Her walk with Miss Morley and her cousins was prosperous and pleasant; +the boys ran races, and Marian and Clara were allowed to join them +without a remonstrance. Marian was running and laughing most joyously, +when she was stopped by hearing a horse's feet near her, and looking +round saw Edmund returning from his ride. "May I keep her out a little +longer?" said he to Miss Morley, as he jumped off his horse, and Marian +came to his side. Miss Morley returned a ready assent, and after +disposing of the horse, the two cousins walked on happily together, she +telling him some pleasant histories of Gerald and the other little boys, +and lamenting the loss that Lionel would be when he went to school. +After they had talked over Salisbury Cathedral, and Marian had heard +with great interest of Edmund's late employments in Scotland, and all +he was to do and see in Africa, and saying much about that never-ending +subject, Fern Torr, Edmund thought her so cheerful that he said, "Well, +may I venture to ask your opinion of the people here?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, who was so much ashamed of the accusation +of gossiping with Saunders as to be willing to pass over all that had +been founded on her information, "perhaps I did say too much yesterday, +and yet I do not know I am sure I should never have chosen them for +friends." + +"Perhaps they would return that compliment." + +"Then you really think it is my own fault?" + +"No;" (Edmund tried hard to prevent his "no" from being too emphatic, +and forced himself to go on thus) "I do not suppose it is entirely your +fault, but at the same time you do not strike me as a person likely to +make friends easily." + +"O, Edmund, I could never bring myself to kiss, and say 'dearest' and +'darling,' and all that, like Clara." + +"There is the thing," said Edmund; "not that it is wrong to dislike +it, not that I could ever imagine your doing any thing like it;" and, +indeed, the idea seemed so preposterous, that both the cousins +laughed; "but the disposition is not one likely to be over and above +prepossessing to strangers." + +"You mean that I am disagreeable?" + +"No, far from it. I only mean that you are chilly, and make almost all +who come near you the same towards you." + +"I cannot help it," said Marian. + +"Yes, you could in time, if you did not fairly freeze yourself by +constant dwelling on their worst points. Make the best of them with all +your might, and you will soon learn to like them better." + +"But if the things are so, Edmund, how can I see them otherwise?" + +"Don't look out for them, and be glad of every excuse for disliking the +people. Don't fancy harshness and unkindness where no one intends it. I +am quite sure that Mr. Lyddell wishes to give you every advantage, and +that Mrs. Lyddell thinks she treats you like her own child." + +"I don't think I should like to be her own child," said Marian. "It is +true that she is the same with me as with them, but--" + +"Poor Marian," said Edmund, kindly, "you have been used to such +gentleness at home, that no wonder the world seems hard and unkind to +you. But I did not mean to make you cry; you know you must rough it, and +bravely too." + +"Never mind my crying," said Marian, struggling to speak; "it is +nothing, but I cannot help it. It is so very long since any one has +known what I meant." + +Edmund could not trust himself to speak, so full was he of affectionate +compassion for her, and of indignation against the Lyddells, when these +few words revealed to him all her loneliness; and they walked on for a +considerable distance in silence, till, with a sudden change of tone, he +asked if she had had any riding since she came to Oakworthy. + +"O no, I have not been on horseback once. What a treat a good canter on +Mayflower would be!" + +"I suspect one victory over her would put you in spirits to be amiable +for a month," said Edmund. + +"Dear old Mayflower!" said Marian. "How delightful that day was when she +first came home, and we took that very long ride to the Eastcombe!" + +Edmund and Marian fell into a line of reminiscences which enlivened them +both, and she went in-doors in a cheerful mood, while he seriously took +the riding into consideration; knowing, as he did, that her mother had +thought a great deal of out-of-door exercise desirable for her, and +guessing that her want of spirits might very probably arise from want of +the air and freedom to which she had always been accustomed. The result +of his meditations was, that the next morning she was delighted by +Gerald's rushing into the school-room, calling out, "Put on your habit, +Marian; make haste and put on your habit. You are to have my pony, and +I am to have Lionel's, and Edmund is to have Sorell, and we are all to +ride together to Chalk Down!" + +How fast Marian obeyed the summons may well be believed; and though +Gerald's pony was not comparable to Mayflower, it was much to feel +herself again in the saddle, with the fresh wind breathing on her +checks, and Edmund by her side. Par and joyously did they ride; so far, +that Gerald was tired into unusual sleepiness all the evening; but +Marian was but the fresher and brighter, full of life and merriment, +which quite surprised her cousins. + +But visits, alas! are fleeting things, and Edmund's last day at +Oakworthy came only too soon. Precious as it was, it was for the most +part devoted to business with Mr. Lyddell, though he sent Marian a +message that he hoped for a walk with her and her brother in the +afternoon. + +The hour came, but not the man; and while Caroline and Clara went out +with Miss Morley, Marian sat down with a book to wait for him. In about +an hour's time the boys came to tell her they were going to the pond +with Walter. + +"O Gerald, won't you wait for Edmund?" + +"I have waited till I am tired. I cannot stay in this whole afternoon, +and I do not think he will come this age." + +"He is shut up in the study with papa," said Lionel; "I heard their +voices very loud, as if they were in _such_ a rage." + +"I wish I could see them," said Johnny, "it would be such fun." + +Away ran the boys, leaving Marian in a state of wonder and anxiety, but +still confident that Edmund would not forget her. She put on her walking +dress, and sat down to her book again, but still she was left to wait. +The winter twilight commenced, and still no Edmund; steps approached, +but not the right ones; and in came the walking party, with a general +exclamation of "Poor Marian! what, still waiting?" Miss Morley advised +her to take a few turns on the terrace, instead of practising that +horrid Mozart. Marian disconsolately went down stairs, looking wistfully +at the library door as she went past it, and, at a funeral pace, +promenaded along the terrace. As she passed beneath the window of +Caroline's room, a head was popped out, and a voice sang-- + + "So, sir, you're come at last, I thought you'd come no more, + I've waited with my bonnet on from one till half-past four! + You know I sit alone--" + +At that moment, Edmund himself was seen advancing from the door; the +song ended in a scream of laughter and dismay, and the window was +hastily shut. Edmund smiled a little, but very little, and said, "True +enough, I am afraid I have used you very ill." + +"Tiresome affairs," said Marian, looking up into his harassed face. "I +hope they have not made your head ache?" + +"I have been worried, but it is not the fault of the affairs, I wish you +had not lost your walk," added he abruptly, beginning to stride on so +fast that she could scarcely keep up with him, and apparently forgetting +her presence entirely in his own engrossing thoughts. She watched him +intently as she toiled to keep by his side, longing, but not daring, +to inquire what was the matter. At last he broke out into a muttered +exclamation, "destitute of all principle! all labour in vain!" + +"What--how--Mr. Lyddell?" + +"This whole day have I been at it, trying to bring him to reason about +that farm!" + +"What? Did he wish the Dissenter to have it?" + +"He saw no objection--treated all I said as the merest moonshine!" + +"What? all the annoyance to the Wortleys, and the mischief to the poor +people!" exclaimed Marian, "Why, we should have a meeting-house!" + +"Nothing more likely, in the Manor field, and fifty pounds +subscribed--all for the sake of toleration and Gerald's interests." + +"You don't mean that he has done it?" said Marian, alarmed, and not +quite understanding Edmund's tone of irony, "Cannot you prevent it?" + +"I have prevented It; I said that, with my knowledge of my uncle's +intentions, I could never feel justified in consenting to sign the +lease." + +"And that puts a stop to it? Oh, I am very glad. But I suppose he was +very angry?" + +"I never saw a man more so. He said he had no notion of sacrificing +Gerald's interest to party feeling." + +"How could it be for Gerald's interest to bring Dissenters to Fern Torr? +I am sure it would be very disagreeable. I thought it, was quite wrong +to have any dealings with them." + +"He has been popularity-hunting too long to have many scruples on that +score." + +Marian could not help triumphing. "Well, Edmund, I am glad you have come +to my opinion at last. I knew you would not like the Lyddells when you +knew them better." + +"I never was much smitten with them," said Edmund, abruptly, as if +affronted at the imputation of having liked them. + +"But Edmund," cried Marian, standing still in the extremity of her +amazement, "what have you been about all this time? Have you not been +telling me it is all my own fault that I do not get on with them?" + +He was silent for a little while; and then turning round half-way, +as people do when much diverted, he broke out into a hearty fit of +laughter. "It is plain," said he, at last, "that nature never designed +me for a young lady's counsellor." + +"What do you mean, Edmund?" + +"I suspect I have done mischief," said Edmund, after a little +consideration, "and I believe all that remains to be done is to tell you +all, and come down from my character of Mentor, which certainly I have +not fulfilled particularly well." + +"I am sure I do not understand you," said Marian. + +"Well, then," said Edmund, speaking in a more free and unembarrassed +tone than he had used since he had been at Oakworthy, "this is the fact +of the matter, as Mrs. Cornthwayte would say, Marian. I always thought +it very unlucky that you were obliged to live here; but as it could not +be helped, and I really knew nothing against the Lyddells, there was no +use in honing and moaning about it beforehand, so I tried to make the +best of it. Well, I came here, and found things as bad as I expected, +and was very glad to find you steady in the principles we learnt at +home. Still, I thought you deficient in kindly feeling towards them, and +inclined to give way to repining and discontent, and I think you allowed +I was not far wrong. To-day, I must allow, I was off my guard, and have +made a complete mess of all my prudence." + +"O, I am very glad of it," said Marian. "I understand you now, and you +are much more like yourself." + +"Yes, it was a very unsuccessful attempt," said Edmund, again laughing +at himself, "and I am very glad it is over; for I have been obliged to +be the high and mighty guardian all this time, and I am very tired of +it;" and he yawned. + +"Then you don't like them any better than I do," repeated Marian, in a +tone of heartfelt satisfaction. + +"Stop, stop, stop; don't think that cousin Edmund means to give you +leave to begin hating them." + +"Hating them? O no! but now you will tell me what I ought to do, since +there is no possibility of getting away from them." + +"No, there is no possibility," said Edmund, considering; "I could not +ask the Marchmonts again, though they did make the offer in the first +fulness of their hearts. Besides, there are objections; I should not +feel satisfied to trust you to so giddy a head as Selina's. No, Marian, +it cannot be helped; so let us come to an understanding about these same +Lyddells." + +"Well, then, why is it that we do not do better? I know there are faults +on my side; but what are the faults on theirs?" + +"Marian, I believe the fault to be that they do not look beyond this +present life," said Edmund, in a grave, low tone. + +Marian thought a little while, and then said, "Caroline does, but I see +what you mean with the others." + +"Then your conduct should be a witness of your better principles," said +Edmund. "You may stand on very high ground, and it entirely depends +on yourself whether you maintain that position, or sink down to their +level." + +"O, but that is awful!" cried Marian; and then in a tone of still +greater dismay, "and Gerald? O, Edmund, what is to become of him?" + +"I must trust him to you, Marian." + +"To me!" + +"You have great influence over him, and that, rightly used, may be his +safeguard. Many a man has owed everything to a sister's influence." +Then, as Marian's eye glistened with somewhat of tender joy and yet of +fear, he went on, "But take care; if you deteriorate, he will be in +great danger; and, on the other hand, beware of obstinacy and rigidity +in trifles--you know what I mean--which might make goodness distasteful +to him." + +"O, worse and worse, Edmund! What is to be done? If I can do him so much +harm, I know I can do him very little good; and what will it be when he +is older, and will depend less on what I say?" + +"He will always depend more on what you _do_ than on what you say." + +"But what can I do? all the schoolboy temptations that I know nothing +about. And Elliot--O, Edmund! think of Elliot, and say if it is not +dreadful that Mr. Lyddell should have the management of our own Gerald? +Papa never could have known--" + +"I think, while he is still so young, that there is not much harm to be +apprehended from that quarter," said Edmund; "afterwards, I believe +I may promise you that he shall not be left entirely to Oakworthy +training." + +"And," said Marian, "could you not make him promise to keep away from +the stables? Those men--and their language--could you not, Edmund?" + +"I could, but I would not," said Edmund. "I had rather that, if +he transgresses, he should not break his word as well as run into +temptation. There is no such moral crime in going down to the stables, +as should make us willing to oblige him to take a vow against it." + +"Would it not keep him out of temptation?" + +"Only by substituting another temptation," said Edmund. "No, Marian; a +boy must be governed by principles, and not by promises." + +"Principles--people are always talking of them, but I don't half +understand what they are," said Marian. + +"The Creed and the Ten Commandments are what I call principles," said +Edmund. + +"But those are promises, Edmund." + +"You are right, Marian; but they are not promises to man." + +"I could do better if I had any one to watch me, or care about me," said +Marian. + +Edmund's face was full of sadness. "We--I mean you, are alone indeed, +Marian; but, depend upon it, it is for the best. We might be tempted not +to look high enough, and you have to take heed to yourself for Gerald's +sake." + +"I do just sometimes feel as I ought," said Marian; "but it is by fits +and starts. O, Edmund, I would give anything that you were not going." + +"It is too late now," said Edmund, "and there are many reasons which +convince me that I ought not to exchange. In a year or two, when I have +my promotion, I hope to return, and then, Marian, I shall find you a +finished young lady." + +Marian shuddered. + +"Poor child," said Edmund, laughing. + +"And you are going home," said Marian, enviously. + +"Home, yes," said Edmund, in a tone which seemed as if he did not think +himself an object of envy. + +"Yes, the hills and woods," said Marian, "and the Wortleys." + +"Yes, I am very glad to go," said Edmund. "Certainly even the being +hackneyed cannot spoil the beauty or the force of those lines of +Gray's." + +"What, you mean, 'Ah! happy hills; ah! pleasing shade?'" + +"Yes," said Edmund, sighing and musing for some minutes before he again +spoke, and then it was very earnestly. "Marian, you must not go wrong, +Gerald must not--with such parents as yours----." Marian did not answer, +for she could not; and presently he added, "It does seem strange that +such care as my uncle's should have been given to me, and then his own +boy left thus. But, Marian, you must watch him, you must guard him. If +you are in real difficulty or doubt how to act, you have the Wortleys; +and if you see anything about which you are seriously uneasy with regard +to him, write to me, and I will do my utmost, little as that is." + +"Yes, yes, I am glad to be sure of it," said Marian. + +"Well, I am glad to have had this talk," said Edmund. "I did you +injustice, Marian; you are fit to be treated as a friend: but you must +forgive me, for it cost me a good deal to try to be wise with you." + +"I think you have seemed much wiser since you left it off," said Marian, +"Somehow, though I was glad to hear you, it did not comfort me or set me +to rights before." + +Edmund and Marian could have gone on for hours longer, but it was +already quite dark; and the sound of Elliot's whistle approaching +warned them that one was coming who would little understand their +friendship,--why the soldier should loiter with the little girl, or why +the young girl should cling to the side of her elder cousin. They went +in-doors, and hastened different ways; they saw each other again, but +only in full assembly of the rest of the family. And at last, soon after +breakfast the nest morning, Marian stood in the hall, watching Edmund +drive from the door; and while her face was cold, pale, and still as +ever, her heart throbbed violently, and her throat felt as if she was +ready to choke. She heard of him at Fern Torr, she heard of him at +Portsmouth, she heard of his embarkation; and many and many a lonely +moment was filled up with tears of storm and tempest; of fever and +climate, of the lion and of the Caffre. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + "Child of the town! for thee, alas! + Glad nature spreads nor tree or grass; + Birds build no nests, nor in the sun + Glad streams come singing as they run. + Thy paths are paved for five long miles, + Thy groves and hills are peaks and tiles, + Thy fragrant air is yon thick smoke, + Which shrouds thee like a mourning cloak." + + ALAN CUNNINGHAM. + + +And so Edmund was gone! But he had bequeathed to Marian a purpose and +an object, which gave her a spirit to try hard and feel out a way for +herself in this confused tangle of a world around, her. She was happier, +though perhaps more anxious; for now it was not mere vague dislike and +discontent, but a clearer perception both of the temptations around and +of the battle required of her. + +In January the whole family went to London, the object of many of +Marian's terrors. Caroline and Clara were both sorry to go, and the boys +lamented exceedingly; Lionel saying it was very hard that the last two +months before his going to school should be spent boxed up there, with +nothing to do. Indeed the life of the schoolroom party was here more +monotonous than that at Oakworthy; for besides the constant regularity +of lessons, there was now no variety in the walks; they only paced round +the square, or on fine days went as far as the park. + +And then there were the masters! Marian was in a state of great fear, +under the anticipation of her first lessons from them; but the reality +proved much better than she had expected. To be sure, she disliked the +dancing with all her heart, and made no great figure in music; but +people were patient with her, and that was a great comfort; and then she +thoroughly liked and enjoyed the lessons in languages and in drawing. +There were further advantages in the London life, upon which she had not +calculated, for here she was nobody, less noticed than Caroline, seldom +summoned to see visitors, and, when she went into the drawing-room, +allowed to remain in the back-ground as much as she pleased; so that, +though her eye pined for green trees and purple hills, and her ear was +wearied with the never-ceasing sound of wheels, London so far exceeded +her expectations, that she wrote to Agnes, that, "if there were no +smoke, and no fog, and no streets, and no people, there would be no +great harm in it, especially if there was anything for the boys to do." + +The boys were certainly to be pitied; in a house smaller than Oakworthy, +and without the occupations out of doors to which they had been +accustomed, edicts of silence were more ineffectual than ever, and yawns +became painfully frequent. Every one's temper fell into an uncomfortable +state of annoyance and irritation; Miss Morley, instead of her usual +quiet, piteous way of reproving, was fretful; Caroline was sharp; Clara +sometimes rude like the boys, sometimes cross with them; even Marian +was now and then tormented into a loss of temper, when there was no +obtaining the quiet which she, more than the others, needed in order to +learn a lesson properly. Each day Lionel grew more unruly, chiefly from +the want of occupation, leading the other two along with him; and each +day the female portion of the party grew more inclined to fretfulness, +as they felt their own helplessness. It even came to consultations +between Miss Morley and Caroline whether they must not really tell of +the boys: but the evil day was always put off till "next time." + +Gerald was riotous when Lionel and John made him so, but not often on +his own account; and he had more resources of his own than they had. His +drawing was a great amusement to him, though rather in a perverse way; +for he would not be induced to take lessons of the master, seldom drew +at the right time, or in the right place, and frequently in the wrong +ones. + +"I never can learn except when I am drawing," he said, and his slate +was often so filled with designs, that the sums were jostled into the +narrowest possible space, while his Latin grammar was similarly adorned. +There sat the Muse in full beauty, enthroned upon Parnassus, close to +_musa musae; magister_ had a wig, and _dominus_ a great rod; while the +extraordinary physiognomies round _facies faciei_ would have been worthy +of any collection of caricatures. Moreover the illustrations of the verb +_amo_ commemorated the gentleman who was married on Sunday, killed his +wife on Wednesday, and at the preter-pluperfect tense was hanged on +Saturday. Other devices were scattered along the margin, and peeped out +of every nook--old men's heads, dogs, hunters, knights, omnibuses; and +the habit of drawing so grew upon him, that when he was going to read +any book where scribbling was insufferable, Marian generally took the +precaution of putting all pencils out of reach. + +She often warned him to take care of the school-room Atlas; but, incited +by Lionel, he could not resist the temptation of putting a pipe in the +mouth of the Britannia who sat in a corner of the map of England. This +pipe she carefully rubbed out, but not till it had received from the +others a sort of applause which he took as encouragement to repeat the +offence; and when next Marian looked at Britannia, she found the pipe +restored, and a cocked hat on the lion's head. Again there was much +merriment; and though Miss Morley, more than once, told Gerald this +would never do, and he really must not, she could not help laughing so +much, that he never quite believed her to be in earnest, and proceeded +to people the world with inhabitants by no means proportioned to the +size of their countries. John-o'-Groat and his seven brothers took +possession of their house, Turks paraded in the Mediterranean, and in +the large empty space in the heart of Africa, Baron Munchausen caused +the lion to leap down the crocodile's throat. + +It was about this time that Marian was one day summoned to the +drawing-room at an unusual time, and found Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both +there looking exceedingly gracious. "Here is a present for you, Marian," +said the former, putting into her hands a large thin parcel. + +"For me! O thank you!" said Marian, too much surprised and embarrassed +to make much of her thanks; nor did her wonder diminish as, unfolding +the paper, she beheld a blue watered silk binding, richly embossed, with +the title of "The Wreath of Beauty," and soon there lay before her, in +all the smoothness of India paper and mezzotint, a portrait, beneath +which she read the name of Selina, Viscountess Marchmont. + +"Selina!" repeated she, in the extremity of her amazement. + +"Yes," said Mr. Lyddell, resting there in expectation of renewed and +eager acknowledgements; but all he received was this--"Can that be +Selina?" + +"It is said to be a very good likeness," said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"O!" cried Marian, and there she checked herself. + +"Mr. Lyddell was quite struck with the resemblance to you," added Mrs. +Lyddell. + +The astonishment of Marian's glance was greater than ever, but here +she bethought herself that Mr. Lyddell had intended to give her great +pleasure, and that she was very ungrateful; whereupon the room seemed to +swim round with her in her embarrassment, and with a great effort she +stammered out something about his being very kind, and her being very +much obliged to him; and then, perceiving that she ought to add more, in +order to satisfy that judge of politeness, Mrs. Lyddell, she said that +it was a long time since she had seen Lady Marchmont, and that she could +not so well judge of the likeness; and then she bore it away to sigh and +wonder over it unrestrainedly with Gerald. + +No wonder the Lyddells were surprised, for Lady Marchmont's portrait was +incomparably the most beautiful in the book; the classical regularity of +the features, the perfect form of nose and chin, the lovely lip, and the +undulating line of the hair, all were exquisite; the turn of the long +neck, the _pose_ of the tall graceful figure, and the simple elegance +of the dress, were such as to call for great admiration. But all that +Marian saw was an affectation in that twisted position,--a straining +round of the eyes, and a kind of determination at archness of expression +in the mouth. Where was the merry, artless, sweet-looking Selina she +remembered, whose yet unformed though very pretty features had faded +from her memory, and left only the lively, good-natured expression +which, here she sought in vain? + +"O Selina, Selina, can you be like this'?" exclaimed she; "and to think +of their saying I am like it! I am sure I hope one is as true as the +other." + +Gerald drew his face into a horrible caricature of the expression in the +portrait, and set his sister laughing. + +"I hope I shall never see her If she has grown like it," said she, +sighing. + +"I should take the stick to her if she was," said Gerald. + +"I am afraid it must be too true," said Marian, "or she would never +allow herself to be posted up in this absurd way. I wonder Lord +Marchmont allows it!" + +"I'll tell you, Marian," said the sympathising Gerald, "if I had ten +beauties for my wife--" + +"Ten beauties! O, Gerald!" + +"Well, one ten times as beautiful as Selina, I mean; I would cure her of +vanity well; for I would tell her that, if she chose to have her picture +drawn in this Book of Beauty, it should only be with a ring through her +nose, and two stars tattooed on her cheeks." + +"And a very good plan too," said Marian, laughing; "but I am afraid +poor Selina cannot be in such good hands. See, here are the impertinent +people writing verses about her, as if they had any business to ask +her what she is thinking about. Listen, Gerald; did you ever hear such +stuff?" + + "Lady, why that radiant smile, + Matching with that pensive brow, + Like sunbeams on some mountain pile + Glowing on solemn heights of snow? + + "Lady, why that glance of thought, + Joined to that arch lip of mirth, + Like shade by fleecy cloudlet brought + Over some paradise of earth? + + "Yea, thou may'st smile, the world for thee + Is opening all its fairest bowers; + Yet in that earnest face I see + These may not claim thy dearest hours. + + "But for thy brow, thy smile we deem + The gladsome mirth of fairy sprite; + But for thy smile, thy mien would seem + Some angel's from the world of light. + + "Yet laughing lip and thoughtful brow + Are depths and gleams of mortal life; + Angel and fay, of us art thou, + Then art a woman and a wife!" + +"What would they have her to be? a husband?" said Gerald. + +Here Caroline and Clara came hastily in, eager to see the portrait and +read the verses, and very far were they from being able to imagine why +she did not like the portrait. Caroline owned that there might be a +little affectation, but she thought the beauty very considerable; and as +to Clara, she was in raptures, saying she never _did_ see any one half +so lovely. And as to the verses, they were the sweetest things she +ever read; and she carried them off to show to Miss Morley, who fully +sympathised with her. Marian found no one to share her opinion but +Gerald and Lionel, and their criticisms were unsparingly extended to +Lady Marchmont's features, as well as her expression, "Such mincing +lips! such untidy hair! Hollo! who has given her a black eye?" till they +had not left her a single beauty. + +Marian hoped the subject was quite forgotten, when she had hidden +away the book under all her others: but the nest time there was a +dinner-party, Mrs. Lyddell desired her to fetch it, to show to some one +who knew Lady Marchmont. She took it up stairs again us soon as she +could, but again and again was she obliged to bring it, and condemned to +hear it talked over and admired. One day when she was going wearily and +reluctantly up stairs, she was arrested by a call from Lionel, who +was creeping up outside the balusters in a fashion which had no +recommendation but its extreme difficulty and danger. + +"Eh, Marian, what, going after beauty again?" + +"I wish it was Beauty and the Beast," said Marian, disconsolately. +"There are different tastes in the world, that is certain; but don't +break that neck of yours, Lionel." + +Lionel replied by letting go with one hand and brandishing that and his +foot over the giddy space below. Marian frowned and squeezed up her +lips, but did not speak till it pleased him to draw himself in again, +and throw himself over the balusters before her, saying, "That is a +reward for you, Marian; Clara would have screeched." + +The next time Marian was desired to fetch the book, it was for a morning +visitor,--a broad, stately, pompous old lady, who had had the pleasure +of meeting Lady Marchmont, and thought Miss Arundel very like her. + +"Are you going after beauty?" said Lionel, again meeting Marian on the +stairs. + +"Yes," said Marian, with a sigh. + +"Well, I hope she will be pleased, that's all," said Lionel. + +Marian thought there was a meaning in this speech, but she was in haste, +and without considering it, ran down stairs again. As she was opening +the drawing-room door, she saw Gerald on the top of the stairs, calling +to her, "Marian, have you that book? O, wait--" + +"I cannot come now, Gerald," said she, entering the room, and shutting +the door after her. She laid the book on the table, and the page was +opened. + +"O beautiful!" exclaimed the old lady, "How exact a likeness!" + +"Why, Marian!" broke involuntarily from Mrs. Lyddell, and Marian, +looking at the print, could, in spite of her dismay, hardly keep from +laughing; for the elegant Lady Marchmont now appeared decorated with a +huge pair of mustachios, an elaborate jewelled ring in the nose, and a +wavy star on each cheek, and in the middle of the forehead; while over +the balustrade on which she was leaning there peeped a monster with +grotesque eyes, a pair of twisted horns, a parrot's beak, vulture's +claws, and a scaly tail stretching away in complicated spires far into +the distance. No one could for a moment doubt that this was Gerald's +work, and Marian felt sure that he had been thereto incited by Lionel. +Extreme was her consternation at the thought of the displeasure which he +had incurred; but in the mean time there was something very amusing +in the sight of the old lady beginning to perceive that something was +wrong, and yet not able to make it out, and not choosing to own her +difficulties. Mrs. Lyddell, though vexed and angry, carried it off very +well. "Ah! some mischief of the boys," said she, decidedly. "I am afraid +it is not fit to be seen." And so saying, she closed the book, and +changed the conversation. + +As soon as the visitor had taken leave, the scene was changed; Mrs. +Lyddell walked hastily to the table, threw open the book, and began to +examine into the degree of damage it had suffered. "I suppose you know +nothing of this, Marian?" said she, surveying her with one of her +quickest and most formidable glances. + +"O no," said Marian; "I am sure I am very sorry." + +"Well, I must inquire about it," said Mrs. Lyddell, taking up the +book, and hastening towards the school-room, followed by poor Marian, +trembling with all her heart for her brother, and somewhat for Lionel, +even though she could not help being angry with him for having got +Gerald into such a scrape. + +There stood the boys, looking partly exulting, partly frightened; Lionel +a little more of the first, Gerald a little more of the second; for +this was Gerald's first desperate piece of mischief, whereas Lionel had +survived many such. Besides, Gerald's handiwork was too evident to be +mistaken, while his companion's part in the folly could be known to no +one; and though it might be guessed at by Marian, Lionel thought she +might be trusted. + +The book was spread upon the table, and the expressions of horror from +the three ladies of the school-room were as strong as could reasonably +be expected. + +"Indeed," pleaded Miss Morley, in her deplorable tone, "I am continually +ordering Sir Gerald not to scribble in books, but he never will obey." + +"That is not true!" cried Gerald, in a loud, startling voice. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that is no proper manner of speaking; you +have behaved very ill already--do not add to your fault. Before any more +is said, beg Miss Morley's pardon." + +There was a silence, and she repeated, "I desire that you will ask Miss +Morley's pardon directly--still silent? what is the meaning of this?" + +Gerald stood bolt upright, and very rigid; poor Marian glancing +appealingly, first at him, then at Mrs. Lyddell, then at Miss Morley, +all equally without effect. She saw it all--that he might have been +brought to own that be had done wrong about this individual case; but +that the sweeping accusation of disobeying orders, which, as they all +knew, were never given with anything like decision, had roused a proud, +determined sense of injustice, and that he was ready to suffer anything +rather than apologise. She was wild to speak, to do something; yet what +could she attempt? + +Mrs. Lyddell would not begin upon the book-scribbling subject till she +had conquered the spirit of defiance, and continued to insist on his +begging Miss Morley's pardon; but the more she ordered, the more +determined he grew. There he stood, his proud, dark eye fixed on a +picture on the wall, his lip curled with a sort of disdain, and an +expression in his whole motionless figure that, had his cause but been +good, would have been resolution, whereas it now was only indomitable +self-will and pride. + +At any rate, it was an expression that showed that he was not to be +conquered by woman, though he might have been won over by her: and Mrs. +Lyddell had tact enough to give up the battle without owning herself +defeated, and without further discussion said, "Go to your own room, +Gerald; I shall give you time to reflect and get the better of your +obstinacy. You may come here again when you are ready to ask Miss Morley +to forgive you for your very improper conduct towards her." + +Without turning to the right or left,--without one look towards his +sister, Gerald walked out of the room, and even shut the door after him +gently. Poor Marian, who could guess all that she felt? + +"This is very extraordinary," said Mrs. Lyddell, "so well-behaved a boy +as he is in general." + +"Ah! boys of his age always get quite beyond ladies' management," said +Miss Morley. + +"Such determined obstinacy!" said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"Perhaps he did not understand you," said Marian, unable to keep from +saying something, though she could not in her agitation think of +anything to the purpose. + +"Understand? that is nonsense, Marian. What was there to understand? +He spoke very improperly, find I desire him to apologise; and if he is +obstinate, it is very wrong of you to defend him." + +Marian was silenced, though her heart was swelling and her temples +throbbing. In another minute Mrs. Lyddell was summoned to some more +company, and Marian had nothing worse to hear than her companions' +commiseration for the book, and declarations that India rubber would do +it no good. + +The afternoon passed away, and nothing was heard of Gerald: indeed, +Marian understood him well enough to expect that nothing would be heard. +As she was on her way to her own room, looking wistfully at his door, +Lionel overtook her; and thumping her hard on the back, exclaimed, +"Isn't it a jolly beast, Marian?" + +"O, Lionel, it was very naughty of you. How could you make Gerald behave +so ill?" + +"Never mind, Marian, he will get out of it soon enough. Come, don't be +savage; we did it all for your good." + +"My good! how can you talk such nonsense?" + +"Why, I'll bet you anything you like, that mamma will never be for +having the little beastie down to show the company." + +Marian half smiled; it was pleasant to find that, towards her at least, +the boys' intention had been anything but unkind, but still she hardly +knew how to be placable with Lionel when he had led her brother into +mischief, and then left him to bear all the blame. + +"It was very wrong," she repeated. + +"Come, don't be cross, Marian. You don't mean that you really cared for +that trumpery picture?" + +"I did not care for it so much," said she, "but it was a valuable book, +and it was very kind of your papa to give it to me, so I was sorry to +have it spoilt." + +"Won't it rub out?" said Lionel. + +"No, of course not." + +"I thought pencil always did." + +"And then, Lionel, why could you not have thought what disgrace you were +leading Gerald into?" + +"You don't think, Marian, I was going to be shabby enough to leave +Gerald alone in the scrape? No, if I do, I'll give you leave to tell of +me or do whatever you please; but you see now he is not in disgrace for +drawing that pretty little beast, but for giving poor unfortunate a bit +of his mind, so what use would there be in my putting my neck into the +noose before my time? No, if Gerald is the fellow I take him for, and +stands out about begging her pardon, the whole business of the book will +blow over, and we shall hear no more of it." + +Marian shook her head. "O, Lionel, if you would only think whether a +thing is right before you do it!" + +"How can you wish me to be so stupid, Marian?" + +"I am sure, Lionel, the funniest, merriest people that I know, think +most about what is right." + +"Well, that may do in Devonshire perhaps," said Lionel, stretching +himself, "but it won't here except with you. Indeed there is nobody else +that I know of that does make such a fuss about right and wrong, except +Walter, and he hasn't got an atom of fun to bless himself with." + +"But, Lionel, what good will all the fun in the world do us when we come +to die?" said Marian, whispering. + +The boy looked full at her, but would not show that he felt any force +in her words. "I don't mean to die just yet," he said, and by way of +escaping from the subject he mounted on the balusters, and was sliding +down as he had often done before, when by some hitch or some slip he +lost his balance, and slid down without the power to stop himself. +Marian thought him gone, and with suspended breath stood, in an agony of +horror, listening for his fall on the stones of the hall far beneath; +but the next moment she saw that he had been stopped by the turn of the +staircase, and the instinct of self-preservation had made him cling fast +to the rail with both hands, though he was unable to recover his footing +on the narrow ledge of the steps beyond it. She did not scream or call, +she ran down to the landing place--how she did it she knew not--but she +threw her arms round him and succeeded in lifting and dragging him over +the rail, which was not very high, till he stood on the safe side of the +balusters, Her heart beat, her head swam, and she was obliged to sit +down on the step and pant for breath; Lionel leant against the wall, +for his nerve was not restored for a moment or two, after his really +frightful peril. Not a word was spoken, and perhaps it was better that +none should pass between them. Mr. Lyddell's step was heard ascending, +and they both hurried away as fast as they could. + +No one was told of the adventure, it was not Marian's part to speak +of it, if indeed she _could_ have done so, and it did not appear that +Lionel chose to mention it. Perhaps it was that he did not like to enter +upon it seriously, and it had been too much of an answer to his light +speech to be made a laughing matter. At any rate he was silent, and +Marian was very glad of it. + +Mr. Lyddell was coming up to visit the prisoner and try if he could +bring him to reason, but it soon transpired that all his attempts had +been in vain, even though he came to a threat that unless Gerald made +his submission before the next day was at an end, he should be sent to +school with Lionel at the end of another fortnight. + +Marian's distress increased, she was equally wretched at her brother's +increasing misbehaviour and at its punishment, It was provoking to see +Johnny walking about in all the grandeur and self-consequence of being +quite out of the scrape, and evidently rejoicing that Gerald was in +it; it was provoking to hear Miss Morley and the girls wondering, even +Saunders' pity was provoking, and there was nothing that gave her the +least comfort but the perception that Lionel was certainly graver and +more subdued. + +She was allowed to go to her brother for a little while that evening, +with some hope that she might prevail with him. She found him leaning +against the window in the failing light, listlessly watching the horses +and grooms in the mews, which his high window overlooked. He turned his +head as she came in, but without speaking, and then looked back at the +window, till she came up to him, put her arm round his neck and turned +his face towards her. It was a sullen, dogged countenance, such as she +had seldom or never seen him wear before. + +"Gerald, dear Gerald, what is the meaning of this? You never used to +behave so?" + +"I never was served so before," muttered he. + +"You have drawn it on yourself. Why will you not submit and ask her +pardon?" + +"What should I ask pardon for? I said nothing but the truth." + +"How can you say so. Gerald? Did you not know that you ought not to +scribble in books? Can you say that Miss Morley has not often spoken to +you about the Atlas?" + +"If you call 'O Sir Gerald!' and 'O you sad boy,' desiring me in a +rational way, I don't," said Gerald, imitating the tones, "laughing and +letting me go on; I thought she liked it." + +"Now seriously, Gerald." + +"Well, I mean that she did not care. If people tell me a thing they +should make me mind them." + +"You should mind without being made, Gerald. + +"I would if I thought them in earnest. But now, Marian, was it not a +horrid shame of her to speak just as if I had been always disobeying +her on purpose, making Mrs. Lyddell go into a rage with me for what was +entirely her own fault?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you cannot say it was her fault that you spoilt the +picture." + +"I think she ought to beg my pardon for telling such stories about me," +repeated Gerald sullenly. + +"Recollect yourself, Gerald, you know she meant that she had put you in +mind that you ought not; and don't you think that, true or not, your +speech was very rude?" + +"If I was to beg her pardon it would mean that she spoke the truth, +which she did not, for she never took any pains to prevent me from +drawing in the map-book, or any where else." + +"It would not mean any such thing if you were to say, 'Miss Morley, I +misunderstood you, and I am sorry I was so rude.' I am sure you must be +sorry for that, for it was not at all like a gentleman. Will you come +and say so?" + +"You're like the rest," mumbled Gerald, turning his back upon her, and +sitting like a stock. + +"Don't you think it would be the best way? Would it not make you +happier? O what is the use of being obstinate and disobedient? Think of +going to school in disgrace. O! Gerald, Gerald, what is to be done?" + +Still she spoke with earnest pauses and anxious looks, but without the +least effect, and at last she said, "Well, Gerald, I must go, and very +much grieved I am. How would dear mamma like to see her little boy going +on in this way?" + +She went to the door and looked back again there, and beheld Gerald, +with his hands over his face, striving to suppress a burst of sobbing. +She sprung to him, and would have thrown her arms round his neck, but he +pushed her off roughly, and with strong effort, drove back the tears, +and put on an iron face again. Again she entreated, but he would not +open his lips or give the least sign of listening, or of attending to +any persuasion, and she was obliged to leave him at last without hope of +subduing his obstinacy. How far he was now from being the gentle, good +child that he once had been! and by whose fault was it? Her spirit +burned with indignation against those who, as she thought, had worked +the change, and O! where was the influence from which Edmund hoped so +much? + +The next day was long and miserable, for Gerald gave no sign of +yielding, but remained shut up in his room, maintaining an absolute +silence, when, at different times, Mrs. Lyddell went to visit him, and +assure him that Mr. Lyddell was fixed in his determination to send him +to school if he did not yield before the time of grace was up. + +The time of grace was at an end the next morning, and at nine o'clock, +Gerald was summoned to the dining-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell were +at breakfast. He wanted to carry it off with a high hand, but his long +day of solitude had dulled him, and he looked pale and weary. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "I am sorry you have so persisted in your +misbehaviour to oblige us to punish you, as we threatened to do. Are you +now willing to own that you did wrong?" + +"I ought not to have spoilt the book," said Gerald boldly, "and I was +rude to Miss Morley." + +"There is a brave boy," said Mr. Lyddell, very much relieved. "Well, +Gerald, I am glad you have given, in at last; I hate obstinacy, as I +told you yesterday, but that is over, and we will say no more about it; +only you know we told you that you should be sent to school, and we must +keep our word." + +"Yes," said Gerald, trying not to let a muscle of his face relax; though +now the die was cast, his consternation at the thought of school was +considerable. + +"Well, you may go," said Mr. Lyddell, "and remember that obstinacy must +be got out of a boy some way or other." + +Gerald went, and soon entered the schoolroom, where he walked up to Miss +Morley, saying, "I am sorry I was rude to you the day before yesterday." + +"Ah! Sir Gerald, I was sure your better sense--your generous spirit--but +I hope your submission--I hope Mr. Lyddell forgives--overlooks--" + +"I am to go to school when Lionel does, if that is what you mean," +replied Gerald, and then he came up to his sister, and looked earnestly, +yet with an inquiring shyness into her face. Marian might have been +hopeful, for his manner showed that it was for her opinion that he +really cared; but she was sad and unhappy at seeing his pride still so +far from being subdued, and though her heart yearned towards him, she +shook her head and looked coldly away from him to her book. + +Gerald was chilled and went back to Lionel, who had plenty of ready +sympathy for him; a story half caught from his mamma's report, half +guessed at, that the old lady had looked full at the beast's curly tail, +and had said she had never seen anything so like Lady Marchmont; the +assertion of his own certainty that Gerald would never give in nor own +that poor unfortunate had spoken the truth, and Gerald felt triumphant, +as if his self-will had been something heroic, and his imprisonment and +going to school a martyrdom. It did not last, Gerald's nature was gentle +and retiring; he dreaded strangers, and his heart sank when he thought +of school. He wanted his sister to comfort him, but he would soon be out +of her reach. No Marian--all boys--all strange, and there was no help +for it now. Gerald rested his forehead against the window and gulped +down rising tears. But when he found himself on the point of being left +alone with Marian, his pride rose, and he would not confess that he had +been wrong or that he was unhappy, so he ran down stairs to find the +other boys and to get out of her way. + +So it went on, Marian was very unhappy at this loss of his confidence; +but the more she attempted to talk to him, the more he avoided her, +being resolved not to show how great his dislike and dread of school +was. + +"Gerald," said Lionel, the last day before they were to go, "I have been +thinking I should like to give Marian something instead of that book." + +"So should I," said Gerald, delighted with the idea, for he was feeling +all the time that he was vexing his sister, and wishing to do something +by way of compensation. + +"I did not mean you," said Lionel, "for it----for you would never have +been sharp enough to think of the beast for yourself. I only told you +because you could tell me what she would like best. Papa has just given +me a sovereign." + +"He has given me another," said Gerald, "and we will put them together, +and do it handsomely." + +"Well, what shall it be? Not that stupid book over again." + +"O no, no, she has had enough of that already, and there are plenty of +other books that she wants." + +"No, don't let it be a book," said Lionel; "I can't think how anybody +can like reading, when they can help it." + +"Well, I do like some reading, when it is a shipwreck, or a famous +bloody battle," said Gerald. + +"Yes, but then it makes one's eyes ache so." + +"It does not mine." + +"Well, if I go on long it always makes mine ache," said Lionel. "And +don't the letters look green and dance about, when you read by candle +light?" + +"No," said Gerald. "How funny that is, Lionel. But I'll tell you what, +we will get Walter to take us out, and we shall be sure to see something +famous, in some shop-window or other." + +Walter was at home for the Easter vacation, and under his protection the +boys were allowed to go out. Very patient he was, and wisely did he +give his counsel in the important choice which, if left to the boys +themselves, might probably have been really something famous. Marian +would have been grateful to him, had she known all that he averted from +her, a stuffed fox, an immense pebble brooch, a pair of slippers covered +with sportive demons. At every shop which furnished guns, knives, or +fishing tackle, they stopped and lamented that she was not a boy, +there was nothing in the world fit for girls; they tried a bazaar, and +pronounced everything trumpery, and Walter was beginning to get into +despair, when at last Lionel came to a stop before a print shop, calling +out, "Hollo, Gerald, here's Beauty and the Beast itself!" + +It was the beautiful engraving from Raphael's picture of + + Saint Margaret in meekness treading + Upon the dragon 'neath her spreading. + +And Walter, rejoicing that their choice was likely to fall on anything +which a young lady might be so glad to possess, conducted them into the +shop, and gave all the desired assistance in effecting the purchase. It +was a fine impression, and the price was so high as to leave the boys' +finances at rather a low ebb; but Walter, in his secret soul, thought +this by no means to be regretted, since it was much better for them +that it should be generously spent at once in this manner, than that it +should be frittered away in the unaccountable and vain manner in which +he had usually seen schoolboys' money wasted. + +So S. Margaret was bought and rolled up, and so afraid were the boys +that she should not be rightly sent home, that they insisted on carrying +her themselves, and almost quarrelled as to which should have the first +turn. + +Marian, on coming into her room, found both the boys on the top of the +chest of drawers, trying to pin the print up against the wall, and +though her arrival caused them some discomfiture, it was on the whole +a fortunate circumstance, since it saved the corners from extensive +damage. + +"O Lionel! O Gerald! how beautiful! how very nice! What a lovely face! +Is it really for me? How I do thank you, but I am afraid you have spent +all your money." + +"It is a better Beauty and the Beast than the old one," said Gerald, +"Isn't it, Marian?" + +"A better beauty, but not a better beast," said Lionel. + +"It is very beautiful indeed," said Marian; "I shall get a frame for it, +and it will always put me in mind of you both." + +"Yes, you will always think of me when you look at the beauty," said +Lionel, "and of Gerald when you look at the beast." + +"S. Margaret and the dragon! I wish I knew the story," said Marian; +"but I suppose it is an allegory like that of S. George. How good and +innocent she looks! Yes, see, Gerald, she is walking pure and white +through the park forest, and conquering the dragon. You see the palm in +the hand for victory. So innocent and so fearless." + +"I thought it would be one of those funny Roman Catholic stories, like +what Caroline was reading one day," said Lionel. + +"I don't like making fun of those," said Marian. "They often mean a +great deal, if you don't laugh at them, and tell them properly. I +am sure this print is to put us in mind of how we are to overcome +temptation, and I do like it very much. Thank you both." + +Lionel was here called away, but Gerald remained, and proceeded to a +more minute examination of the beauties of the print, of which he was +very proud. + +"O, Gerald, dear, if we could be like it," said Marian. + +"Like it? That you'll never be, Marian; your hair is too black." + +"Yes, but like it within. Pure and clear from sin in the midst of a bad +world. I shall look at it and think of that very often, and you must +think too, Gerald." + +"I mean to be good at school," said Gerald. + +And leaning against his sister, he let her talk to him as in times of +old, advising him with all her might, for he really liked it, and was +comfortable in having it so, though he would have been ashamed to +own that he did. Her advice was at once childish and wise; sometimes +sensible, sometimes impracticable. Let any sister of fourteen think what +counsel she would give a brother of nine if he would but listen to her, +and she will have a very fair idea of it. Gerald listened and promised +earnestly, and she thought, hoped, and trusted that his promises would +be kept: she reminded him of all that could strengthen his resolution, +and talked of the holidays with what cheer she might. She had copied out +a morning and evening prayer from her own treasured book, rather than +give him such another, because she thought he would perhaps heed them +more in her handwriting, and she now gave them to him, folded up in a +neat little silk case, which he could keep without observation. How she +put her arm round him and pressed him towards her as she gave them into +his hand, and felt that she was doing what her mother would have done, +so earnestly, so tearfully, so much more impressively. O was she +watching them now? + +The brother and sister were interrupted at last, and called down to tea. +The evening passed away heavily, spent as it was for the most part in +the drawing-room; and the last thing before the boys went to bed, Lionel +pushing Gerald roughly off, held Marian fast by the hand, and whispered +in her ear, "I say--you've written out something for Gerald." + +"Yes," she answered, horrified that he should have found it out. + +"Would you mind doing it for me? Don't tell any one." + +Was not this a pleasure? Marian sat up in her dressing-gown that night +to write the prayers in her very clearest writing, for she knew Lionel +never liked to read what was not large and clear, and she guessed that +late in the evening, after all his lessons, he would have too many +"green and blue monsters," as he used to call them, before his eyes, +to be willing to give them more work than he could possibly help. She +thought her mamma would have been very uneasy if she had heard of those +green and blue monsters, and she wondered whether Mrs. Lyddell knew +or cared about them, but Lionel was one of the least regarded of the +family, and nobody but Johnny ever thought it worth while to make a +trifling complaint to her. It was far worse that Lionel should be left +to obtain a form of private prayer by such a chance as this. Alas! alas +for them all! She was too unhappy to think more of Lionel, and in the +midst of earnest prayers for Gerald, she cried herself asleep. + +Poor child, she was too miserable all the next day to give us any +pleasure in contemplating her. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + "Too soon the happy child + His nook of homeward thought will change; + For life's seducing wild; + Too son his altered day-dreams show + This earth a boundless space, + With sunbright pleasures to and fro, + Coursing in joyous race." + + _Christian Year_. + + +A couple of weeks had passed away, and Marian was beginning to feel +rather more accustomed to the absence of Gerald and Lionel, and to find +pleasure in the letters which spoke of her brother taking a good place, +and from which it did not appear that he disliked school so much as she +had feared. Still she could not but miss him grievously, and feel the +want of some one to cling to her, bring his troubles to her, and watch +for moments of private conference. Her days seemed to follow each other +without animation or interest; and if it had not been for some of her +lessons, and for his letters and Agnes Wortley's, she felt as if she +could have done nothing but yawn till the holidays. + +One day, as the young ladies were returning from a walk in the park, +they saw a carriage standing at their own door,--too frequent an +occurrence, as Marian thought, to call for such warm interest as Clara +expressed. Yet even Marian grew eager when she heard her cousins exclaim +that there was a coronet on it,--a Viscount's coronet. They were now +close to the house, just about to ring, when the door opened, the +visitor came out, and at that moment Marian sprang forward with a joyful +face, but without a word. The lady held out both hands, and standing on +the top of the steps of the door, she drew Marian up to her, and kissed +her on each cheek with great eagerness, completely regardless of the +spectators. + +"Marian, dear little Marian herself! I was afraid I had quite missed +you, though I waited as long as I could. You look like your own self, +little pale cheeks! Well, I must not stay; I have arranged with Mrs. +Lyddell for you to spend to-morrow with me. I will send the carriage for +you, and you know how much I have to show you--my husband and my son! +You will come, Marian? Not a word? Ah! your own way. Good-bye; you will +find your tongue to-morrow. Good-bye." + +She let go the hands and sprang into the carriage, giving a smile and +nod as she drove off, that filled Marian's soul, almost to overflowing, +with a rush of memories. It was as if she was no longer standing on the +hard steps, with black streets, and tall, dingy yellow houses bounding +her view, and carriages thundering in her ears; no longer lonely among +numbers, but as if she was on the bright green grass-plat by the +Manor-House door, the myrtles and sycamore nodding round her; the +shadows of the clouds chasing each other in purple spots over the +moors; her father at the window; her mother, Gerald, Edmund, Agnes, all +standing round; that sweet voice, with, that same bright smile, that +same arch little nod, repeating the "good-bye," and speaking of meeting +next year; and Marian herself thinking how very long a year would be. +And now two years had passed since that time, and such years! How +much older Marian felt! But there was Selina--Selina herself, not the +Beauty--that was enough for joy! + +Marian was roused from her dream by exclamations of delight and +admiration from her cousins, "How very beautiful!" "O, I never saw +anything so lovely!" "Marian, how could you say that she was not like +her picture?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, gradually waking from her trance. + +"Don't you think her the most beautiful creature you ever saw?" + +"I don't know." + +"Don't know!" cried Caroline, impatiently. "Do you know whether your +head is on or not?" + +"I don't--nonsense," said Marian, laughing heartily, "The fact was, I +never had time to look or think whether she was pretty; I only saw she +was just like herself." + +"Well, Marian; so you met her?" said Mrs. Lyddell's voice in its most +delighted tone, at the top of the stairs. "I never saw a more charming +person. So very handsome, and so elegant, and so very agreeable. You +have heard of her invitation?" + +"Yes; thank you for letting me go," said Marian. + +"O yes, of course! I am delighted that you should have the advantage of +such an acquaintance. I hope it will be quite an intimacy. I am sure +whenever--Well, certainly, I never met with anything more fascinating. +She spoke of you with such affection, my dear; I am sure she must be the +most delightful person!" + +Marian was not suffered to proceed up stairs till she had been told +all the particulars of Lady Marchmont's visit, and had answered many +questions respecting her; and, when she went up to the school-room, +it was the same thing. The party there seemed to look upon their good +fortune, in having had a sight of her, something as if they had seen +the Queen, or "the Duke;" and it was with a sort of awe that Clara +pronounced the words "Lady Marchmont," as she talked over every +particular of her dress and deportment. + +All this in some degree perplexed Marian. Titled ladies were by no means +unusual among Mrs. Lyddell's visitors, and did not create anything +like this sensation; and she had not been used at home to hear Selina +Grenville talked of as anything more than a wild, gay-tempered girl, +whose character for wisdom did not stand very high. To be sure she was +now married, and that might make a difference; but then Edmund had since +spoken of her as giddy, and as if he had not the highest idea of her +discretion. Moreover, it struck Marian herself that she had spoken of +her husband and child just as if they were two playthings, to be shown +off. Of course that was only in fun, but Marian's was the time of life +to have great ideas of the requisite gravity of demeanour in a married +woman. Altogether, much as she loved Selina, and clever and engaging +as she thought her, it astonished her not a little to find that the +relationship conferred upon herself such distinction in the eyes of her +cousins; and she spent the evening and the next morning alternately in +speculations of this kind, hopes of a home-like day, and fears that +Selina after all might prove the affected Viscountess of the Wreath of +Beauty. + +The time came, the carriage was sent punctually, and in due time Marian +was being marshalled up the broad staircase by the tall servants, in all +the trepidation of making her first visit in state on her own account, +and feeling at every step as if she was getting further into the Wreath +of Beauty. Across a great drawing-room,--such a beautiful grand room,--a +folding door is opened; "Miss Arundel" is announced, and there she +stands in all her stiffness. + +There was a little table near the fire, and beside it sat Lady +Marchmont, writing notes, in the plainest and most becoming of morning +dresses,--a sort of brown holland looking thing, with a plain, stiff, +white collar, and a dark blue ribbon, her only ornament, except one +large gold bracelet. Her hair was twisted in glossy sunny waves behind +her ear, as in some Greek statues; her blue eyes were bright and +lustrous, and nothing was ever clearer and more delicate than the slight +tinge of red on her cheeks. Lord Marchmont was standing leaning on the +mantelshelf, apparently in consultation with her. + +As soon as Marian entered, Selina's pen was thrown down, and she flew +forward, throwing her arms round her little cousin, and kissing her +repeatedly. Then, her arm round Marian's neck, and her hand on her +shoulder, she led her towards Lord Marchmont, who stepped forward to +receive her, saying, "Yes, here she is, here is your little cousin; and +hero, Marian, here is your great cousin. Now I would give five shillings +to know what you think of each other." + +"I suppose one part of that pleasure will only be deferred till I am out +of the room," said Lord Marchmont, as he shook hands with Marian in a +kind, cordial, cousinly manner. He was a brown, strong-featured man of +three or four and thirty, hardly young enough, and far from handsome +enough, in Marian's very youthful eyes, to be suited to his wife, but +very sensible and good-natured looking. + +"No, Marian is a safe person, and will get no further than 'I don't +know;' at least if she is the Marian I take her for," said Lady +Marchmont. + +"Very prudent," was his answer, smiling at Marian; and then, in +compassion to her confusion, gathering up his papers, and preparing to +depart. + +"Are you going?" said his wife. "Well, I do you the justice to say that, +under the circumstances, it is the wisest proceeding in your power; for +I shall not get three words out of Marian all the time you are here." + +After a few more words of consultation on their own affairs, he left the +room, and then Selina caught hold of Marian again, and said she must +have a thorough good look at her all over, to see how much of dear old +Fern Torr she had brought with her. + +Selina Grenville was the youngest daughter of a sister of Sir Edmund +Arundel, who had, like the rest of her family, died early. She had been +a good deal abroad with her father and a married sister. Her uncommon +beauty and engaging manners gained her, when she was little more than +eighteen, the affection of Lord Marchmont, a more distant connection +of the Arundel family; and happily for Selina, she appreciated him +sufficiently to return his love so thoroughly, as to lay aside all the +little coquetries which had hitherto been the delight of her life; and +to devote herself to him even as he deserved. + +It might have been that the poem had said too much in pronouncing her to +be a woman as well as a wife; for Selina Marchmont was almost as much of +a child as Selina Grenville had been, and only now and then did those +deeper shades of thought pass over her face, which showed how much soul +there was within her as yet only half developed. Her manners were almost +more playful than suited her position, though they became her perfectly; +her husband delighted in them; but it was this that had given her grave +and saddened cousin, Edmund, an impression that her sense was not of a +high order. + +She was very warm-hearted. She had been exceedingly attached to her +uncle and aunt at Fern Torr; and now it seemed as if she could never +fondle Marian enough. The first thing was to show her baby, but she +premised that she did not expect Marian to go into raptures about him; +she never did expect any one to like babies. "In fact, Marian," she +whispered, "don't betray me, but I am a wee bit afraid of him myself. It +is such a very little live thing, and that nurse of his never will let +me have any comfort with him, and never will trust me to get acquainted +with him in a _tete-a-tete_, poor little man! O, here he comes! the +Honourable William James Bertram Marchmont--his name nearly as long as +himself." + +In came a broad, tall, dignified nurse, large enough to have made at +least four Selinas, carrying a small bundle of long white robes. Selina +took the little bundle in her arms rather timidly, and held it for +Marian to see. Pew babies were ever looked at more silently; he was a +small, but pretty, healthy-looking child of between two and three months +old,--a very wax doll of a baby, with little round mottled arms moving +about, and tiny hands flourishing helplessly, he looked just fit for his +mamma. She held him with the fond, proud, almost over care with which +little girls take for a moment some new brother or sister; and as she +gazed upon him without a word, the earnest intensity of expression +gathered upon her beautiful face. After about five minutes thus spent, +she roused herself, and began gaily to tell Marian not to trouble +herself to seek for a likeness in him to anybody, or to say anything so +wild as that he in the least resembled her or his papa; and then she +nodded and smiled at him, and seemed as if she would have talked to him +and played with him, if his nurse had not been standing close by all the +time, looking as if she was being defrauded of her property. + +"It is time Master Marchmont should be taken out before the sun goes +off, my Lady," said she, authoritatively. + +"Very well, I suppose he must," said Selina, reluctantly giving him back +again after a timid kiss. + +"There goes my lady nurse and her child," said she with a sigh, hidden +even from herself by a laugh. "I am sure he seems a great deal more hers +than mine; but there, I should never know what to do with him. Come, +Marian, now for all about yourself, my poor child. How do they use you?" + +Much indeed there was to hear; and much to tell on either side, and +scarcely for a moment did the two cousins cease from talking as they sat +together in the morning, and drove together in the afternoon. Selina was +one of those people who have a wonderful power of dispelling reserve, +chiefly by their own frankness; and when she had told Marian all the +history of her first sight of Lord Marchmont, and the whole courtship, +and all that she had thought "so very noble" in him, and tried to make +her understand how very happy she was, Marian's heart was open in her +turn. Not the depths of it,--not such things as by a great effort she +had told to Edmund, and might possibly tell to Mrs. Wortley, but much +more than she could ever have said to any one else; and free and +abundant was the sympathy and pity she received,--pity even beyond what +she thought she deserved. She was surprised to observe that Selina spoke +of the Lyddells with a sort of contempt, as if they were wanting in +refinement; whereas she herself had never thought of their being +otherwise than lady-like, and certainly very fashionable; but she +supposed Lady Marchmont knew best, and was pleased to find herself +considered superior. Gerald was of course one of their subjects of +conversation, and gradually Marian, with her strict regard to truth, +from a little unguardedness, found herself involved in a tangle from +which there was no escape, without telling the whole story of the Wreath +of Beauty. + +She need not have been afraid; Selina laughed as if nothing would ever +make her cease, and insisted on Marian's bringing the portrait the next +time she came to visit her. She vowed that she would patronise Lionel +for ever for his cleverness; and when Marian looked sorrowful about the +consequences, she told her that it was much better for Gerald to be at +school, and she was very glad he was gone; and then she patted Marian's +shoulder, and begged that she would not think her very cruel for saying +so. + +Marian was very glad to be able to acquit her of vanity, when she heard +the history of the insertion of the engraving, which had been entreated +for by persons whom Lord Marchmont did not like to disoblige. The +engraving both he and Selina disliked very much; and when Marian saw the +original portrait, she perceived that the affectation did not reside +there, for it was very beautiful, and the only fault to be found with it +was chiefly attributable to the fact that miniatures always make +people look so pretty, that this did not give the idea of a person so +surpassingly lovely as Selina. + +Lord Marchmont came in several times to speak to his wife, but Marian +did not see much of him till dinner-time, and then she liked him very +much. He was certainly rather a grave person, and she wondered to see +how Selina could be so merry with him; but he was evidently amused, +and Marian had yet to learn how a clever and much occupied man likes +nonsense to be talked to him and before him in his hours of relaxation. +He behaved to Marian herself very kindly, and just as if she was a +grown-up person,--a treat which she had scarcely enjoyed since she left +Fern Torr; and though she was silent, as usual when with strangers, it +was with no uncomfortable shyness: she was more at ease already with him +than with Mr. Lyddell. + +Selina told him the history of Gerald's works of art in so droll a +manner, that Marian herself saw it in a much funnier aspect than she had +ever done before. He was much diverted, and turning to Marian, said, +with seriousness that would have alarmed her, but for Selina's laughter, +and a certain sub-smile about the corners of his mouth, that he hoped he +was not to take the Beast as anything personal. Selina told him that she +wanted him to convince Marian that it was a very good thing for Gerald +to be sent to school, and he set to work to do so in earnest with much +kindness, and by asking sundry questions about her brother's attainments +and tastes, he so won her, that she was ready to do him the honour of +acknowledging him as one of her own cousins. + +The evening came too soon to an end, though the carriage had not been +ordered to take Marian home, till ten o'clock. It had all been like one +dream of brightness, and Marian, when she awoke the next morning, could +hardly believe that it was the truth that she had enjoyed herself so +much, and that a house containing such happiness for her could be in +London or so near her. + +The schoolroom looked very black and dull after the bright little +sitting-room where she had parted with Selina; the lessons were +wearisome, her companions more uncongenial than ever; she felt actually +cross at the examination to which Clara subjected her about every trifle +she could think of, in the house of Marchmont. She could have talked of +its delights if there had been anybody to care about them in her own +way, but that was the great if of Marian's life. She was conscious +that her day's pleasure had unhinged her, and made her present tasks +unusually distasteful, and she thought it the fault of the Lyddells, and +in a great fit of repining blamed Edmund for injustice to Selina in +not letting her house be their home. Her great hope was of another day +there, the only thing that seemed to give a brightness to her life, and +she looked forward to an intercourse between Lady Marchmont and Mrs. +Lyddell, which would produce continual meetings. + +However, time passed on, and she did not see Selina. Mrs. Lyddell took +her when she went to return the visit, but Lady Marchmont was not at +home. It was not till after more than a fortnight that she received a +little note from her, saying that they were going to a show of flowers, +and would send for Marian to go with them. + +There was quite a commotion in the house on the occasion; not that all +were not willing that Marian should go, but that Mrs. Lyddell thought +her dress not at all fit; the plain straw bonnet which Marian _would_ +buy, in spite of all that could be said to the contrary, and that old +black silk dress which did very well just for going to Church in, with a +governess, but---- + +Mrs. Lyddell and Saunders were for once in their lives agreed; and +Marian, who thought her money would have served her this time to +fulfil her grand scheme of buying Tytler's History of Scotland, was +overpowered, and obliged to let them have their will, and wear it +outside her head, in white silk; instead of inside, in Robert Bruce's +wanderings. + +She was quite ready, in new bonnet and mantle, by the time Lady +Marchmont's carriage was at the door, and very happy she was to find +herself by her side again. Perhaps there was a little consciousness +of newness in the manner in which she wore them, for Lady Marchmont +remarked upon them, and said that they were very pretty, as in fact they +were. Marian looked disconsolate, and Selina laughingly asked why. She +told her former wishes, and was further laughed at, or rather Mrs. +Lyddell was. Selina said the old bonnet would have done just as well; +"it was so like such people to smarten up for a great occasion." + +Such people! Marian wondered again, and disliked her white bonnet more +than ever, resolving for the future to trust her own taste. She soon +forgot all this, however, in the pleasure of seeing green grass and +trees, and the beautiful, most beautiful flowers, with their delicious +perfume. This was real delight, such as she had never imagined before, +and she thought she could have studied the wonderful forms of those +tropical plants for ever, if it had not been for the crowds of people, +and for a little awe of Lord Marchmont, who had given her his arm, and +who did not seem to know or care much even for the dove orchis or the +zebra-striped pitcher-plant. She wished she could turn him into Edmund, +and looked at every plant which she fancied a native of the Cape, almost +as kindly as if it had been a primrose of Fern Torr. + +It was another delightful day. Marian went back with her friends, +and sat by while Selina was dressed for an evening party, heard a +description of her home in the country, and gave a very unflattering one +of Oakworthy, gained somehow or other a renewed impression of her own +superiority to the Lyddells, and went home to indulge in another fit of +discontent. + +Such were Marian's visits to Lady Marchmont, and such their effect. Mrs. +Lyddell did much indeed that was calculated to give strength to the +feeling by the evident pride which she took in Marian's familiarity with +Lady Marchmont, and even in the cold, distant, formal civility with +which she herself was treated. + +There was danger around Marian which she did not understand, the world +was tempting her in a different way. She disliked what she saw among the +Lyddells too much to find their worldly tastes and tempers infectious, +but her intercourse with Selina was a temptation in a new form. She +loved Selina so heartily as to see with her eyes, and be led by her in +opinions: especially when these were of a kind according with her own +character. It was from her that Marian imbibed the idea that she was to +be pitied for living in her present home, not because Mrs. Lyddell's +mind was set on earth and earthly things, but because she did not belong +to those elite circles which Marian learnt to believe her own proper +place. Edmund had told her she might stand on high ground, and she +believed him, but was this such high ground as he meant? The danger did +not strike Marian, because it did not seem to her like pride, since the +distinction, whatever it was, did not consist in rank; she would have +had a horror of valuing herself on being a baronet's daughter, but this +more subtle difference flattered her more refined feelings of vanity; +and though she was far from being conscious of it, greatly influenced +her frame of mind, and her conduct towards her cousins. It was not +without reason now that Caroline thought her proud. + +It must not, however, be supposed that this was Marian's abiding frame +of mind; it was rather the temper which was infused into her by each +successive visit to Selina during the next three years. Of course, every +time it was renewed, it was also strengthened, but it was chiefly her +London disposition, and used in great degree to go off when she +was taken up with the interests of Oakworthy, and removed from the +neighbourhood of Lady Marchmont. + +Oakworthy was so preferable to London, except so far as that she was +there out of Selina's reach, that she began to have a kindness for it. +She knew some of the poor people there, in whom Caroline had kept up an +interest ever since Miss Cameron's time; the smoky streets of London +had taught her to prize the free air and green turf of the Downs; and, +thanks to Edmund, her own dear Mayflower awaited her there, and she +enjoyed many a canter with Caroline and Walter. She began for the first +time to become acquainted with the latter, and to learn to look upon him +with high esteem, but to obtain a knowledge of him was a very difficult +matter. He was naturally diffident and bashful, and his spirits were +not high; he had been thrown more and more into himself by his mother's +hastiness of manner and his father's neglect. His principles were high +and true, his conduct excellent, and as he had never given any cause for +anxiety, he was almost always overlooked by the whole family. Nor was he +clever, and the consciousness of this added to his timidity, which being +unfortunately physical as well as mental, caused him to be universally +looked down upon by his brothers. Even Marian began to share the +feeling when she saw him turn pale and start back from the verge of a +precipitous chalk pit where she could stand in perfect indifference, and +when she heard him aver his preference for quiet horses. Mayflower's +caperings were to him and Caroline so shocking, and it appeared to them +so improper that she should be allowed to mount such an animal, that but +for her complete ease, her delight in the creature's spirit, and her +earnest entreaties, a complaint against Mayflower would certainly have +been preferred to the authorities. + +In spite of all this, there was satisfaction in talking to Walter, for +he saw things as Marian did, right and wrong were his first thoughts, +and his right and wrong were the same as hers. This was worth a great +deal to her, though she was often provoked with him for want of boldness +in condemnation. A man grown up could, she thought, do so much to set +things to rights, if he would but speak out openly, and remonstrate, +but Walter shrank from interfering in any way; it seemed to cost him an +effort even to agree with Marian's censure. Yes, she thought, as she +stood looking at the print of S. Margaret, Walter might pass by the +dragon, nay, fight his own battle with it, but he would never tread it +manfully under, so that it might not rise to hurt others. He might mourn +for the sins around him, but would he ever correct them? Marian thought +if she was a man, a man almost twenty, destined to be a clergyman, she +had it in her soul to have done great things; then she would not be shy, +for she should feel it her duty to speak. + +In the meantime, Marian had a trouble of her own, a sore place in her +heart, and in its tenderest spot, for Gerald was the cause. The first +holidays had been all she could desire; he was affectionate, open, full +of talk about home and Edmund, with the best of characters; and with the +exception of all the other boys being "fellows" and nameless, there was +nothing like reserve about him; but the next time, he had not been three +days in the house, before she perceived that the cloud had come down +again, which had darkened the last few weeks before his going to school. +He avoided being alone with her, he would not let her ask him questions, +he talked as if he despised his governors and teachers, and regarded +rules as things made to be eluded. His master's letter did not give a +satisfactory account of him, and when Marian tried to fish out something +about his goings on from Lionel, she met with impenetrable silence, +Lionel himself seemed to be going through school pretty much in the same +way, with fits and starts of goodness, and longer intervals of idleness, +but he made his eyes a reason, or an excuse, for not doing more. They +were large, bright, blue, expressive eyes, and it was hard to believe +them in fault, but strong sunshine or much reading by candle-light +always brought the green and purple monsters, and sometimes a degree of +inflammation. It was said that he must be careful of them, and how much +of his idleness was necessary, how much was shirking, was a question for +his own conscience. + +Every time Gerald came home, Marian saw something more that pained her. +There was the want of confidence that grew more evident every time, +though it was by no means want of affection; it was vain to try to keep +him away from the stables; he read books on Sunday which she did not +approve, she did not think he wrote to Edmund, and what made her more +uneasy than all was, that Elliot was becoming the great authority with +him. Elliot had begun to take a sort of distant patronising notice of +hint, which seemed to give him great pleasure, and which Marian who +every year had reason to think worse of Elliot, considered very +dangerous. She could not bear to see Gerald search through, the +newspapers for the racing intelligence, and to see him orating +scientifically to Lionel and Johnny about the points of the horses; she +did not like to see him talking to the gamekeepers, and set her face, +more than was perhaps prudent, against all the field sports which were +likely to lead him into Elliot's society. + +In her zeal against this danger, she forgot how keen a sportsman +Edmund himself was, and spoke as if she thought these amusements wrong +altogether, and to be avoided, and this, together with the example of +Walter, gave Gerald a very undesirable idea of the dulness of being +steady and well conducted. That he spent more money than was good for +him, was also an idea of hers gathered from chance observations of her +own, and unguarded words of the other boys; but this was one of the +points on which his reserve was the strictest, and she only could be +anxious in ignorance. The holidays, anticipated with delight, ended in +pain, though still she cherished a hope that what alarmed her might be +boyish thoughtlessness of no importance in itself, and only magnified by +her fears. + +She was encouraged in this by finding that Lord Marchmont, when he saw +him once in London, thought him a very fine, promising boy, and that Mr. +and Mrs. Lyddell did not seem to see anything seriously amiss. But then +Lord Marchmont had not seen enough of him to be able to judge, and would +not have told her even if he had thought there probably was anything +wrong; and she could not trust to Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell. It was very +painful to imagine herself unjust to her only brother, and she drove the +fears away; but back they would always come, every time Gerald was at +home, and every time she looked and longed in vain for a letter from +him. + +Thus passed, as has already been said, three years, spent for the most +part without event. Caroline, at eighteen, was introduced; but though +her evenings were given to company, her mornings were still spent in the +schoolroom, of which indeed she was the chief brightness. Marian, though +she had the offer of coming out at the same time, was very glad to +embrace the alternative of waiting another year. She was now a little +past her seventeenth birthday, which emancipated her from being +absolutely Miss Morley's pupil. She breakfasted with the rest of the +family, dined with them when there was not a large party, learnt more +of masters, and studied more on her own account than she had ever done +before; and only depended on Miss Morley and Clara for companionship in +walking and meals, when Caroline was otherwise engaged. + +She was more with the Marchmonts than ever during this spring. She rode +with them, kept Selina company when her husband went out without her; +went about with her wherever a girl of woman's height, though not yet +come out, could be taken; and was almost always at any of her dinners or +evening parties, where she could have the pleasure of seeing anything +that was distinguished. It was a very pleasant life; for she was new to +the liberty of being loosed from schoolroom restraints, and at the same +time the restraints and duties of society had not laid hold upon her. +Among Selina's friends she was not expected to talk, and could listen +in peace to the conversation of the very superior men Lord Marchmont +brought around him; or if she chanced to exchange a few words with any +of them, she remembered it afterwards as a distinction. Selina, with all +the homage paid to her beauty, her rank, her fascination of manner, and +her husband's situation, was made much of by all, and was able to avoid +being bored, without affronting any one; and a spoilt child of fashion +herself, in her generosity and affection, she made Marian partake her +pleasures, and avoid annoyances as far as she could, like herself. It +was a pleasant life, and Marian thoroughly enjoyed it but was it a safe +one? + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + "So too may soothing Hope thy leave enjoy, + Sweet visions of long severed hearts to frame; + Though absence may impair or cares annoy, + Some constant mind may draw us still the same." + + _Christian Year_. + + +"Here are two letters for you, Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, meeting the +girls as they came in from a walk; "Lady Marchmont's servant left this +note." + +"An invitation to dinner for this evening," said Marian opening it; "ah! +I knew they were to have a party; 'just recollected that Lady Julia +Faulkner used to know Fern Torr, and I must have you to meet her, if it +is not a great bore.'" + +"Then, my dear, had you not better send an answer? James can take it +directly." + +"No, no, thank you; the carriage will call at seven. Who can this Lady +Julia be? But--" by this time Marian had arrived at her other letter, +and, with a sudden start and scream of joy, she exclaimed, "They are +coming!" + +"Coming? Who?" asked Caroline. + +"Agnes--and Mr. and Mrs. Wortley! O! All coming to stay with their +friends in Cadogan Place. I shall see them at any time I please." + +"I am very glad of it," said Caroline. + +"Tell them that their earliest engagement must be to us," said Mrs. +Lyddell. "When do you expect them?" + +"Next week, next week itself," cried Marian, "to stay a whole fortnight, +or perhaps three weeks. Mr. Wortley has business which will occupy +him--" + +Few faces ever expressed more joy than Marian's in the prospect of a +meeting with these dearest of friends; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline smiled +at her joy as she flew out of the room to make Saunders a partaker in +her pleasure. + +"Strange girl," said Caroline; "so cold to some, so warm to others; I +shall be glad to see these incomparable Wortleys." + +"So shall I," said Mrs. Lyddell; "but I expect that Marian's opinion of +them will soon alter, she has now become used to such different society. +However we must be very civil to them, be they what they may." + +In the meantime Marian penned a letter to Agnes, in terms of delight and +affection twenty times warmer than any which had ever passed her lips, +and then resigned herself to Saunders' hands to be dressed, without +much free will on her own part; too excited to read as usual during +the operation, sometimes talking, sometimes trying to imagine Agnes in +London, a conjunction which seemed to her almost impossible. + +The carriage came for her, and in due time she was entering the great +drawing-room, where Selina, looking prettier than ever in her evening +dress, sat reading a novel and awaiting her guests. + +"O Selina, only think," she began; "the Wortleys are coming!" + +"What say you? Why, Marian, you are in a wild state. Who are coming?" + +"The Wortleys, Selina, my own Agnes." + +"O, your old clergyman's daughter! You constant little dove, you don't +mean that you have kept up that romantic friendship all these years?" + +"Why, Selina!" + +"Yes, yes, I remember all about them now: the daughter was your great +friend." + +"She was more yours," said Marian, "when you were at Fern Torr, because +you were more nearly the same age. Don't you remember how you used to +whisper under the sycamore tree, and send me out of the way?" + +"Poor little Marian! Well, those were merry times, and I rather think +your Agnes promised to be very pretty." + +"And shall not you be glad to see her?" + +"When do they come?" + +"Next Monday, to--Cadogan Place." + +"Close to you. Well, that is lucky; but now, my dear, if you can come +down from the clouds for a moment, I want to tell you about Lady Julia." + +"Who is she?" said Marian, bringing back her attention with an effort. + +"A tiresome woman," whispered Selina, with a sort of affectation of +confidence; "but the fact is, Lord Marchmont used to know her husband, +or his father, or his great grandfather, sometime in the dark ages, and +so be wants me to make much of her. She is one of the people that it is +real toil to make talk for; but by good fortune I remembered that I had +heard some legend about her once knowing my uncles, and so I thought +that a cross-examination of you about Gerald and Fern Torr would be a +famous way of filling up the evening." + +"O!" said Marian in a not very satisfied tone, "so she has a husband, +has she? I fancied from your note that she only consisted of herself," + +"She consists of a son and daughters," said Selina. + +"Her husband is dead, but the rest of the house you will presently see." + +"Eh?" said Lord Marchmont, coming out of the other room where he had +been writing, and greeting Marian. + +"You don't mean that you have invited that young Faulkner?" + +"You would, not have me leave out the only agreeable one of the +party--something to sweeten the infliction." + +Lord Marchmont smiled at the arch, bold, playful manner with which she +looked up in his face, as if to defy him to be displeased; but still he +was evidently vexed, and said, "It is hard upon Marian only to take her +from Elliot Lyddell's society to bring her into Mr. Faulkner's." + +"Indeed! but that is hard on Mr. Faulkner," said his wife. "As to worth, +I suppose he and Marian's cousin are pretty much on a par, but it is but +justice to say that he has considerably the advantage in externals." + +"It cannot be helped now," said Lord Marchmont; "but I wish I had told +you before, Selina. The esteem I had for that young man's father would +make me still more reluctant to cultivate him, considering his present +way of going on." + +"Well, one invitation to dinner is not such a very agricultural +proceeding, that you need waste such a quantity of virtuous +indignation," said Selina; "I daresay he will not grow _very_ much the +faster for it." + +The arrival of some of the party put a stop to the conversation, and +presently Lady Julia Faulkner, Mr. and Miss Faulkner, were announced. +The first was a fair, smooth, handsome matron, who looked as if she had +never been preyed upon by either thought or care; her daughter was a +well-dressed, fashionable young lady; and her son, so gentlemanlike +and sensible looking, as to justify Lady Marchmont in saying that in +externals he had the advantage of Elliot Lyddell. Marian sat next him at +dinner, and though she meant to dislike him, she could not succeed in +doing so; he talked with so much spirit and cleverness of the various +exhibitions and other things, which are chiefly useful as food for +conversation. Something too might be ascribed to the store of happiness +within her, which would not let her be ungracious or unwilling to let +herself be entertained, for on the whole, she had never been so well +amused at a dinner party. + +In the drawing-room the examination took place with which she had been +threatened, but she had grown hardened to such things with time, and +could endure them much better than she used to do. It was always the +custom for her to outstay the guests, so as to talk them over with her +cousins; and, on this occasion the first exclamation was, how very +agreeable and clever Mr. Faulkner was. + +"So much the worse," said Lord Marchmont gravely; "I think worse of him +than I did before, for I find he has taken up Germanism." + +Marian had some notion that Germanism meant that the foundations of his +faith were unsettled, and she looked extremely horrified, but she had +not time to dwell on the subject, for the carriage came to the door, +and she was glad to be alone to hug herself with delight. The gas lamps +looked as bright to her eyes as if there were an illumination specially +got up in honour of her happiness, and the drive to Mr. Lyddell's was +far too short to settle a quarter of what Agnes was to see and do. + +It was almost four years since she had parted with her, but the +correspondence had scarcely slackened, nor the earnestness of her +affection and confidence diminished. There was no one, excepting Edmund, +to whom she could look for counsel in the same manner, and the hope of +long conversations with Mrs. Wortley was almost as delightful as the +thought of seeing Agnes once more. + +She had begged them to call the first thing, and accordingly soon after +breakfast one fine Tuesday morning, a loud double-knock caused her heart +to leap into her mouth, or rather her throat, and almost choke her. Mrs. +Lyddell, Elliot, and Caroline were all present, and she wished them +forty miles off, when the announcement was the very thing she wished to +hear! + +There they were, Mrs. Wortley giving that fond, motherly kiss, Agnes +catching both hands, and kissing both cheeks, Mr. Wortley giving one +hearty squeeze to her hand! There they really were, she was by Mrs. +Wortley's side, their own familiar tones were in her ears! She hardly +dared to look up, for fear Agnes should be altered, but no, she could +not call her altered, though she was more formed, the features were less +childish, and there was more thought, though not less life and light +than of old, in the blue eyes. Indeed it came upon Marian by surprise, +that she had not known before that Agnes was uncommonly pretty as well +as loveable. She was surprised not to see her friend more shy, but able +to answer Elliot's civilities with readiness and ease; whereas she who +still felt stiff and awkward with a stranger, had supposed that such +must be doubly the case with one who had lived so much less in the +world. + +That day was to be devoted by the Wortleys to visits and business, but +they reckoned on having Marian to themselves all the next, and were to +call for her early on their way to some of the sights of London. Mrs. +Lyddell made them fix an early day for coming to dinner, and they took +their leave, Marian feeling as if the visit had not been everything that +she expected, and yet as if it was happiness even to know that the same +city contained herself and them. + +No sooner were they gone than the Lyddells began with one voice to +admire Agnes, even Elliot was very much struck with her, and positively +gained himself some degree of credit with Marian, by confirming her +opinion of her friend's beauty. It was delightful indeed that Agnes +should be something to be proud of; Marian would not have loved her one +whit the less if she had been a plain, awkward country girl, but it was +something to have her affection justified in their eyes, and to have no +fear of Agnes being celebrated only for her cricket. + +They called for Marian early the next morning, and now she received the +real greeting, corresponding to her parting, as Mrs. Wortley's second +daughter. Then began the inquiries for everything at Fern Torr, animate +or inanimate, broken into by Agnes's exclamations of surprise at +everything new and wonderful in the streets, a happy, but a most +desultory conversation. + +At last they got into a quiet street where Mr. and Mrs. Wortley went to +choose a carpet, and the two girls were left to sit in the carriage. + +"O Marian!" began Agnes, "so you have not quite lost your old self! I +am glad to see how it all is at least, for I have something tangible to +pity you for." + +"I wonder what it is," said Marian, too happy for pity at that moment. + +"O, my dear! that Mr. Elliot Lyddell!" + +"He is hardly ever in my way," said Marian. + +"And his sister! Her dress! What study it must have taken! In the +extreme of fashion." + +"Caroline's dress is not exactly what she would choose herself," said +Marian. + +"That must be only an excuse, Marian; for though you have a +well-turned-out look, it is not as if you were in a book of fashions." + +"I am not Mrs. Lyddell's daughter, and though I do expect a battle or +two when I come out, it will not be a matter of obedience with me, as it +is with Caroline." + +"Is it very painful obedience?" said Agnes laughingly; "well, you do +deserve credit for not being spoilt among such people." + +"In the first place, how do you know they are 'such people?' and next, +how do you know I am not spoilt?" + +"You must be the greatest hypocrite in the world, if you are spoilt, to +write me such letters, and sit so boldly looking me in the face. And as +to their being 'such people,' have not I seen them, have not I +heard them, and, above all, has not Mr. Arundel given me their full +description?" + +"But that was three years and a half ago," said Marian. + +"And have they changed since then?" asked Agnes. + +"I don't know." + +"O how glad I am to hear that!" cried Agnes. "Never mind them; but to +hear you say 'I don't know' in that old considering tone is proof enough +to me that you are my own old Marian, which is all I care for." + +"I don't--" began Marian; then stopping short and laughing, she added, +"I mean I was thinking whether it is really so. Can any person live four +years without changing? Especially at our age. What a little girl I was +then!" + +"Yes, to be sure, you have grown into a tall--yes, quite a tall woman, +and you have got your black hair into a very pretty broad braid, and you +wear a bracelet and carry a parasol, and don't let your veil stream down +your back; I don't see much more alteration. Your eyes are as black and +your face as white, and altogether you are quite as provoking as ever in +never telling one anything that one wishes to know." + +Marian gave a stiff smile, one which she had learnt in company, and +grew frightened at herself to find that she was treating Agnes, as she +treated the outer world. She did not know what to say; her love was +deep, strong and warm within, but it was too soon to "rend the silken +veil;" and this awkwardness, this consciousness of coldness was positive +suffering. She was relieved that the return of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley put +an end to the _tete-a-tete_, then shocked that it should be a relief; +for, poor girl, her extreme embarrassment overpowering the happiness +in her friend's presence, made her doubt whether it could be that her +affection was really departing, a thought too dreadful to be dwelt upon. + +Who would have told her that she should endure so much pain in her first +drive with the Wortleys? + +They went to call on Lady Marchmont that day, and, as Marian expected, +did not find her at home. Agnes renewed the old lamentation that Marian +could not live with her and thus avoid Mrs. Lyddell's finery and +fashion. "Now why do you laugh, Marian? you don't mean that Selina +Grenville can have turned into a fashionable lady? she was the simplest +creature in the world." + +"She is what she was then," said Marian; "but as to being fashionable--. +My dear Agnes, you don't understand." + +"We have not to reproach Marian for want of knowledge of the world now, +Agnes," said Mr. Wortley, smiling at his daughter's bewildered look. + +"Ah!" cried Marian, and there stopped, thinking how grievously she must +be altered, since this was the reproach that the Lyddells used so often +to make her. Some wonderful sight here engaged Agnes, and Marian's +exclamation fell unheeded. + +She spent a good many hours with the Wortleys while they were in London, +but usually in the midst of confusion and bustle: Mr. and Mrs. Wortley +were busy, and Agnes almost wild with the novelties around. Marian's +heart ached as she recollected a saying which she had read, that a +thread once broken can never be united again. Her greatest comfort was +in the prospect of a visit to Fern Torr; for Mrs. Lyddell willingly +consented to her accepting Mrs. Wortley's invitation to return with +them, and to stay even to the end of her brother's holidays, which he +was also to spend at _home_. She should know better there whether she +was really changed; she could take it all up again there, and now she +could afford to wait, and not feel the necessity of saying everything +that would not be said in so short a time. + +One thing was certain, she did not like to hear Agnes talk against the +Lyddells. She could have done it herself; nay, she did so sometimes when +with Lady Marchmont, but then that was only about "nonsense." She had +lived with them too long, had shared in too many of their conversations +and employments, was, in fact, too much one of the family, to like to +hear them condemned. She thought it very strange, and she could not tell +whether it was from having grown like them, or from a genuine dislike to +injustice; at any rate it was this which convinced her that she had come +to regard them in some degree as friends. + +She wished them to appear to as much advantage as possible, but this +they really seemed resolved not to do, at least not what was in her eyes +and those of the Wortleys, to advantage. Mrs. Lyddell _would_ have +a grand dinner party to do honour to her friends, and the choice of +company was not what she would have made. To make it worse, Elliot +sat next Agnes, Walter was not at home, and the conversation was upon +religious subjects, which had better not have been discussed at all in +such a party, and which were viewed by most present, in the wrong way. +All this, however, Marian could have endured, for she did not care +to defend Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell or Elliot, individually, only when +considered as forming part of "the Lyddells," but she really wished +Agnes to like Caroline and Clara. + +She did not know whether Agnes was not perverse about Caroline, whom she +continued to call a mere fashionable young lady, not being able to find +any other reproach than this vague one; but as to Clara, Marian herself +could have found it in her heart to beat her when she made sillier +speeches than usual in Agnes' hearing, and, above all, for having at +this time a violent fit of her affection for Marian herself, whom she +perseveringly called a dear girl, and followed about so closely as to be +always in the way. + +Marian would have been still more provoked with Clara, had Agnes not had +forbearance enough to abstain from telling her all that Clara had said, +when once, by some chance, left alone with her for ten minutes. After a +great deal about her extreme friendship for "dearest Marian," she said, +"Some people think her pretty,--do you, Miss Wortley?" + +"Not exactly pretty," said Agnes, "but hers is a fine face." + +"Ah! she has not colour enough to be pretty. She is much too pale, poor +dear, but some people say that is aristocratic. And she is like her +cousin, Lady Marchmont, the beauty. Do you know Lady Marchmont?" + +"I used to know her as a girl." + +"Ah! she is very handsome, and so much the fashion. It is such an +advantage for Marian to be there, and I hope she will slyly bring us +acquainted some of these days. But then all the Arundels are proud; +Marian has a good deal of pride in her own way, though she is a dear +girl!" + +"Marian!" exclaimed Agnes. + +"O yes! She is a dear girl, but every one in Wiltshire speaks of her +pride; all our friends do, I assure you. I always defend her, of course, +but every one remarks it." + +Agnes was wondering whether simply to disbelieve anything so +preposterous as that all Wiltshire should be remarking on poor Marian's +pride, or whether to explain it by her well-known shyness, when Clara +made another sudden transition. "Do you know Mr. Arundel?" + +"O yes." + +"Is not he a fine, distinguished looking man? We did admire him so when +he was here. I assure you we are all quite jealous of Marian. Miss +Morley says there can be but one _denouement_." + +Here Marian came into the room, and Agnes proceeded to question within +herself which was most wonderful,--the extreme folly of Clara, or of the +governess. + +Another vexation to Marian was the behaviour of Lady Marchmont. She +herself was invited as often as usual to come to her cousin, but she +could not spare a minute from her dear friends, and only was surprised +and vexed that they were not included, and that Selina had not yet +called upon them. She knew that one of her parties consisted of persons +whom Mr. Wortley would have been particularly glad to meet, and she +watched most anxiously for a card for him; she even went so far, as in +her own note of refusal to give a very far distant hint, thinking that +Selina only required to be put in mind of his being in London. + +At last, only two days before they left town, Lady Marchmont left her +card for Mrs. Wortley, but without asking if she was at home; and +Marian, who was in the house at the time, felt the neglect most acutely. +Mrs. Wortley saw the bright glow of red spread all over the pale check, +and was heartily sorry on her account. Agnes broke out into exclamations +that there must be a mistake,--the servants must have misunderstood, +and she would have asked questions; but Marian said, in a voice of deep +feeling, "No, Agnes, it is no mistake. You understand me now when I say +Selina Marchmont is more of a fine lady than Mrs. Lyddell. But O, I +never thought she would have neglected you!" + +"Say no more, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "Lady Marchmont must have too +many engagements to attend to us dull country folks. Indeed, it gives me +no pain, my dear, except to see it grieve you. You know she has done her +duty by us." + +"Her duty by herself, she may think," said Marian, "in not doing what +would be called rude, but not her duty by you; you, to whom all who +ever--who ever loved _them_, owe so much." + +The tears glittered in Marian's eyes, and her cheek was flushed. + +"Marian, my dear, cool down a little," said Mrs. Wortley; "think how +long it is since Lady Marchmont knew us, and recollect that the--the +causes, which you think you have for caring for us, may not appear the +same to her. She only thinks of us as dimly remembered neighbours of +her cousin's, coming to London for a little while; she is full of +engagements, and has no time for us, and just follows the fashions of +other people." + +"That is it," said Marian. "How shall I ever wish her good-bye in +charity?" + +They were interrupted; and it was not till Marian was gone that Agnes +had the satisfaction of a full outbreak of indignation at all fine +ladies, and of triumph in the impossibility of their ever spoiling her +own dear Marian. + +Marian had to spend the evening with the Marchmonts, and she was more +constrained with them at first than she had ever been before. Yet it +was not easy to continue constrained with Selina, who was perfectly +unconscious that she had given any offence; and the feeling was quite +removed by half an hour's play with little Willy, who was now promoted +to be a drawing-room child for various short intervals of the day. He +was under a nursery governess, who let his mamma have a little more +property in him. + +Selina asked about the intended journey, and thus renewed Marian's +feeling of the wrongs of the Wortleys; but when Selina scolded her for +not coming oftener, supposed she had been very happy, and envied her for +going to dear old Fern Torr, Marian began to forgive, and did so quite +when she wished she could have seen them, and lamented that she had been +so much engaged. Three times she had gone out, fully meaning to call on +them, and have a good long chat, but each time something delayed her; +and the last, and fourth, she really was obliged to be at home early, +and could not possibly make a call. + +The charm of manner made all this appease Marian; but when the immediate +spell of Selina's grace and caressing ways was removed, she valued it +rightly, and thought, though with pain, of the expressive epithet, +"fudge!" Could not Selina have gone to her aunt's old friends if she +would? Had not Marian known her to take five times the trouble for her +own gratification? Marian gained a first glimpse of the selfishness of +refined exclusiveness, and doubted whether it had not been getting a +hold of herself, when she had learnt of Selina to despise and neglect +all that was unpleasing. + +O the joy of knowing that she should turn her back on the great wicked +world again, and measure herself by the old standard of home! And yet +she trembled, lest she should find that the world had touched her more +than she had thought. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + "Yes, friends may be kind, and vales may be green, + And brooks, may sparkle along between; + But it is not friendship's kindest look, + Nor loveliest vale, nor clearest brook, + That can tell the tale which is written for me + On each old face and well known tree." + + R. H. FROUDE. + + +It was a happy day for both Agnes Wortley and Marian Arundel when they +again entered Devonshire. Agnes seemed to feel her four weeks as serious +an absence as Marian did her four years, and was even more rapturous in +her exclamations at each object that showed her she was near home. + +They walked up the last and steepest hill, or rather bounded along the +well known side path, catching at the long trailing wreaths of the +dogrose, peeping over the gates which broke the high hedge, where +Marian, as she saw the moors, could only relieve her heart by +pronouncing to herself those words of Manzoni's Lucia, "_Vedo i miei +monti._" ("I see my own mountains.") She beheld the woods and the +chimneys of the Manor House, but she shrank from looking at it, and +gazed, as if she feared it was but a moment's vision, at the rough +cottages, the smoke curling among the trees, the red limestone quarry, +and the hills far away in the summer garb of golden furze. It was home, +her heart was full, and Agnes respected her silence. + +Down the hill, along the well-known paling, past the cottages, the dear +old faces smiling welcome; the Church, always the same, the green rail +of the Vicarage garden, the paint was the only thing new; the porch, +with roses hanging thicker over it than ever; Ranger, David Chapple, +Jane, the housemaid, all in ecstasy in their different ways. + +That first evening was spent in visiting every nook of the garden with +Agnes, and hearing the history of each little innovation; then, after a +slight interval of sleepiness, came those fond, cordial "good nights," +which dwell no where but at home. + +She woke to the reality of a Fern Torr Sunday, not to shake off with +disappointment and wearinesss, the dream of such a day. There was the +pinkthorne, dressed in all its garlands, before her window, the dew +lying heavy and silvery on the grass; the cart-horses enjoying their +holiday in the meadow, the mass of blossom in the orchard, the sky +above, all blueness, the air full of a delicious quietness, as if the +sunshine itself was repose, Marian leant out at her window, and wondered +if it was possible she should have been so long away, so familiar, so +natural did it all seem. + +The hurried breakfast, the walk to school, the school itself, how well +she knew it all, and within the school how old a world it was, and yet +how new! The benches, the books, the smiles, the curtsies, the very +nosegays, redolent of southernwood, were unchanged, but all the great +good girls of her day, the prime first class, where was it? Here was the +first class still, Agnes' pride; but, behold, these are the little ones +of her day, and the babies for whom she had made pink frocks and frilled +caps, now stared up in her face responsible beings, who could say more +than half the Catechism. Her own little pets of school-days were grown +out of knowledge into the uninteresting time of life, the "old age +of childhood," and looked as if they found it equally difficult to +recognize "little Miss" in a lady taller than Miss Wortley. Next +followed the walk to Church, full of meetings and greetings, admiration +of her growth, and inquiries after Sir Gerald. + +Yes, Marian did feel like the old self: her four years' absence was like +a dream that had passed away, and was nothing to her; she could think +only of home, home thoughts and home interests; the cares and the +teasings, the amusements and the turmoils of Oakworthy and London, were +as things far distant, which had never really concerned her, or +belonged to some different state of existence. She was at home, as she +continually said to herself; she felt as if she was in some way more in +the presence of her parents, as if their influence was sheltering her, +and shielding her from all external ill, as in the days of yore. Happy +they who can return after four years' trial as Marian did. + +She was preparing for Confirmation; for, to her great joy, she was in +time to form one of Mr. Wortley's own flock, He gave her half an hour +every other morning; and now it was that all the difficulties raised +in her mind in arguments with Caroline, doubts with right or wrong, or +questions why and wherefore, were either solved or smoothed down. Her +principles were strengthened, her views were cleared up; she learnt the +reasons of rules she had obeyed in ignorance, and perceived her own +failures and their causes. + +These were her graver hours. At other times she read, drew, and studied +German with Agnes, who gladly availed herself of the aid of one well +crammed by London masters, and who could not but allow, even to the +credit of her enemies, that they had made Marian very accomplished. + +There were long walks to every well-remembered hill and dell, with +further expeditions planned against the return of the boys, and numerous +visits to old friends at the cottages to present Marian's gifts, which +had fairly overpowered Saunders' powers of packing. Delightful walks, +how different from the parade on the chalk roads, over high hedges, +through gaps doubly fenced with thorns, scrambling, at the risk of +neck us well as of dress, over piles of fern and ivy-covered rocks, or +hopping across brooks on extemporised stepping-stones, usually in the +very thick of some _mauvais pas_, discussing some tremendous point of +metaphysics or languages and breaking off in it to scream at the beauty +of the view, or to pity a rent muslin. + +Marian and Agnes talked considerably now, and, allowing for the +difference in age, just as they used to do. Marian's fears of her own +coldness and doubts of her confidence in Agnes had all melted in her +native atmosphere, and were quite forgotten. She could speak of the +Lyddells now, though still she did not find fault with them, nor make +complaints; indeed, it was Agnes' abuse of them that made her first +discover that she had a regard for them. + +This prejudice, as she began to call it, seemed to her unaccountable, +since she had never written complainingly, until she found at last, +(which made her inclined to treat it with more respect,) that it +was founded on what Edmund had reported. He had come to Fern Torr +immediately after his visit to Oakworthy, very much out of spirits, and +had poured out his anxieties to his friends, talking of Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell with less caution than he had used with Marian, and lamenting +over the fate of his poor little cousins like something hopeless. Marian +thought of Gerald, and her heart failed her, then she hoped again, for +Gerald was coming home, and then she understood what Edmund had thought +of it all, and knew that it was perfectly consistent with his last +conversation with her. So she said that was four years ago, and that +Edmund was very kind. + + +The time of Gerald's arrival came. Charles and James Wortley preceded +him by about a fortnight, and all that Marian saw of them made her +rejoice in such companionship for him. Mr. Wortley drove her to meet him +at Exeter, and never was greeting more joyful. Lionel had sent her a +message that Oakworthy would be as dull as ditch water without her, +and if she did not come back before the end of the holidays, he should +certainly be obliged to go back to Eton again to find something to do. +Having delivered this message, Gerald made both his companions laugh by +gazing about as if surprised to find Exeter still in the same place, and +wondering at reading all the old names over the shops. + +Marian was delighted that he recognised all the torrs on the drive home, +and very proud of his height, his beauty, and his cordial, well-bred +gentlemanlike manners, which gave the Wortleys general satisfaction. + +The first thing he did was to go out and visit his old pony in the +paddock, patting it very affectionately, though he seemed much surprised +that it was so small. + +In the evening they went to the Manor House. Marian had spent many hours +there, sat in the empty rooms, wandered in the garden, and mused on past +days, or dwelt on them with Agnes, and she had looked forward with great +pleasure to having her brother there. + +She wished to have had him alone, but he asked Agnes and the boys to +come, and they all set out together up the rocky steps, Gerald far +before the rest, and when Marian came up to him he was standing on the +lawn, at the top of the steps, looking at the house. + +"I thought it was larger," exclaimed he. + +"But, Gerald, see how high the magnolia has grown, and how nice and +smooth old Lapthorn keeps the lawn. Does it not look as if we had gone +away only yesterday?" + +"Yes, and there is the little larburnum that we planted. How it is +grown! But how very small the house is." + +By this time the door had been opened by the old housekeeper, and +Marian, running up to her, exclaimed, "Here he is, Mrs. White! Come, +come, Gerald, come and speak to Mrs. White!" + +Gerald came, but with no readiness of manner. His "how d'ye do?" was +shy and cold, and not at all answerable to her eager, almost tearful, +"Pretty well, thank you, Sir. It is something to see you at home again, +Sir Gerald; so tall, and looking so well. 'Tis almost old times again, +to see you and Miss Marian." + +He stood silent, and Agnes spoke, "Yes, Mrs. White, is not he grown? It +does not seem to be so very long before we shall really have them here +for good." + +"Ah! Miss Wortley, that is what I have always wished to live for; I have +always said, let me only live to see Sir Gerald come back, and find +things in order as he left them, and then I would die contented." + +"No, no, live to keep his house many more years," said Marian. "It is +four years less now you know, Mrs. White; only eight more before we +shall be able to live here. For, I suppose you would like to have me +back too." + +"I don't know Miss Marian; you will he married long before that, such a +fine young lady as you are grown to be." + +Marian laughed and passed on into the house, sorry that Gerald had taken +no part in the conversation. They went into the drawing-room, that room +where he had wept so bitterly the day before his departure. Again his +observation was, "I thought this room was twice the size. And so low!" + +"You have been looking in at the large end of a telescope lately, +Gerald," said his sister with some sorrow in her tone, as she sat down +on one of the brown holland muffled sofas, and looked up at her father's +portrait, trying to find a likeness there to the face before her. There +was the same high brow, the same dark eyes, the same straight features, +the same bright open smile. Gerald was more like it, in some respects, +than he had been, but there was a haughty, impetuous expression now +and then on eye, brow, and lip, that found no parallel in the gentle +countenance which, to Marian's present feelings, seemed to be turned +towards him with an air of almost reproachful anxiety. + +Perhaps he saw some of the sadness of her expression, and; always +affectionate, wished to please her by manifesting a little more of the +feelings which really still existed. He came and stood by her, and +whispered a few caressing words, which almost compensated for the +vexation his carelessness had occasioned. He looked earnestly at the +picture for a few moments, then, turning away, suddenly exclaimed, "I +should like to see the old dressing-room." + +This was Lady Arundel's morning room, where many a lesson had been +repeated, many a game played, and where, perhaps, more childish +recollections centered than in any other part of the house. The brother +and sister went thither alone, and much enjoyed looking into every +well-known corner, and talking of the little events which had there +taken place. This lasted for nearly a quarter of an hour, when they +rejoined their companions to make the tour of the garden, &c. All was +pleasant here, Gerald recollected every nook, and was delighted to find +so much unchanged. + +"Let us just look into the stable yard," said he, as they were coming +away. It was locked, but a message to Mrs. White procured the key, and +they entered the neat deserted court, without one straw to make it look +inhabited, though the hutch where the rabbits had lived was still in its +place; and even in one corner the reversed flower-pot, which Gerald +well remembered to have brought there to mount upon, in order to make +investigations into a blackbird's nest, in the ivy on the wall. + +He now used the same flower-pot to enable him to peep in at the hazy +window of the stable, and still more lamentable was his exclamation, +"Can this be all! How very small!" + +"Nothing but low and little, you discontented boy," said Agnes. + +"Why, really, I could not believe it was on such a small scale," said +Gerald. "Marian, now is it possible there can be only six stalls here?" + +"Why, what would have been the use of more?" said Marian. + +"Ah! why to be sure, there was no one to ride much," said Gerald. "But +yet I can hardly imagine it! What could my father have done in his +younger days? Only six stalls! And no loose box. Well, people had +contracted notions in those days! And the yard so small! Why, the one at +Oakworthy would make four of it." + +"And you had really managed to persuade yourself that this was a grander +place than Oakworthy?" said Marian. + +Gerald made no answer; but after walking backwards till he had a +full view of the stable and surrounding regions, broke out into the +exclamation, "I see what is to be done! Take down that wall--let in +a piece of the kitchen garden--get it levelled--and then extend it a +little on the right side too. Yes, I see." + +"You are not talking of spoiling this place!" cried Agnes, in dismay. + +"Spoiling! only making it habitable," said Gerald. "How can a man live +here with a stable with six stalls, and nothing like a kennel?" + +The utter impossibility of such an existence was so strongly impressed +on the mind of the young baronet, that as soon as tea was over he +commenced a sketch of his future stables, adding various explanations +for the benefit of Charles and James. There was almost a daily quarrel +on the subject with Agnes, and much laughing on each side; but Marian, +afraid of making him more determined, took no part in it. + +Much might happen in eight years to make him change his mind, and this +stable in the clouds might be endured, if everything else had been fully +satisfactory. + +Very happy were the boys next morning, setting off to the woods to study +the localities of the game; very happy were they fishing and rabbit +shooting; very happy, galloping over the country by turns on the two +ponies; very happy were the whole party in pic-nic expeditions, and in +merry evening sports; but these could not take up every hour and every +minute; and Marian could not help observing, that while Charles and +James could always find some work on which to be employed in the +intervals, Gerald was idle and listless. There were hours in the morning +when they had their Latin and Greek to study, while Gerald was usually +loitering in the drawing-room. That he should voluntarily touch Latin +or Greek in the holidays was perhaps more than mortal could expect; +but that he should not read anything was disappointing. The vicarage +afforded no periodical novels, no slang tales of low life, no manuals +of sporting. The Waverley novels he had read long ago, and nothing of +a more solid description would he touch; so his mornings were chiefly +spent in drawing caricatures, and chattering to his sister and Agnes. He +was indeed very amusing, but this was not all that could be desired. Now +and then there were stories of feats which did not seem likely to be +those of the best and wisest set of boys; and his idea of the life of +a boy, if not of man, was plainly that it was to be spent in taking +pleasure and shirking work. Then he took in a sporting paper, and used +to entertain them with comments on the particulars of the races, and of +bets, which no one in the house understood but himself; but these were +never in the presence of either Mr. or Mrs. Wortley, where he was on his +guard. + +In these intervals of idleness, Marian tried to persuade him several +times to write to Edmund, who would be glad to have a report fresh from +home. He always said he would soon set about a letter, but the time +never came, though she more than once arranged pen, paper, and ink in +readiness for him. He had recently received a letter from his cousin, +but he had torn it up, and could not remember anything about the +contents. + +Something between bashfulness and pride produced conduct which could +not but appear like arrant haughtiness to the villagers, who had looked +forward eagerly to seeing their young landlord. If Marian tried to +bring him to speak to some poor old man, his answer was, "Give him this +half-crown, then, that will do just as well!" and he walked off out +of reach, while she remained to present the gift, and hear in answer, +"Thank you kindly, Miss; I should like to see the young gentleman +himself, but I daresay he does not like poor people." + +If this was the feeling where there was half-a-crown to sweeten the +neglect, what was it where such a propitiatory offering was out of the +question, and where the original connection had been closer, among the +old servants, the dependants and tenants? His lofty acknowledgment +of their bows,--his short, reluctant "Good morning," when forced to +speak,--and his willingness to escape from their presence, contrasted +ill with the cordial greetings with which his cousin Edmund had always +hailed each Fern Torr person as a friend. Indeed, "that nice young +gentleman, Master Edmund," began to be recollected with regrets, which, +had the Manor been a kingdom, might have amounted to treason towards the +young heir. + +Marian grieved at this behaviour, and would have attempted to argue +him out of it, but he gave her scarcely any opportunity of a serious +conversation; and Mr. Wortley gave him more than one hint, which, though +be took it with perfect courtesy, never mended matters. Yet with all +this, he was so agreeable, so good-natured and gentlemanlike, so +pleasant a guest, and so affectionate a brother, that Mr. and Mrs. +Wortley could not help liking him very much; and if they saw anything +amiss, they did not pain his sister by speaking of it. Her misgivings +were too vague and undetermined for her to be willing to consult +Mr. Wortley; if she thought at one time that she would, she grew so +frightened and reluctant whenever an occasion came, that she let it pass +by; and she was divided between blame to herself for doing nothing, when +a few words might be the rescue of her brother, and self-reproach for +doing him cruel injustice. + +Nay, she even defended him more than once, when Agnes was shocked. She +protected a shirt, illustrated by his own hand, in marking-ink, with +cricketers, which caused infinite scandal to the washerwomen of Fern +Torr. She defended slang words, which Agnes, from not understanding +them, fancied worse than they really were; and she never failed to say +he did not mean to be unkind, whenever he was neglectful of the poor +people. She was displeased with herself afterwards for speaking in +favour of these things, for she well knew them to be only parts of the +whole system which grieved her; but still she could not help it. + +These thoughts were suspended by the solemn time approaching. Her +confirmation-day came, and she stood among the maidens of her own home +and village, who had been baptized in the same font, and shared with her +the same instructions. Simultaneously with them she pronounced her vow; +and perhaps it was a repining thought which crossed her mind,--"Why am +I not like these, to remain in this peaceful nest, not sent forth to +be wearied and tried by that glittering world of unrest, which I thus +renounce?" + +She knelt to receive the blessing, which brought with it the trust that +the peace of that moment might dwell with her, refresh her, and shield +her "as oft as sin and sorrow tire." And when her eye fell on her +brother, it was with more hope, for now she could better pray for him. +Whatever might happen, it could never hurt the memory of that awful +yet soothing hour, nor of that first Communion when she knelt near her +parents' graves between Mrs. Wortley and Agnes; the whole air filled +with the prayers of those on earth and in heaven who loved her best; nor +of her walk in the garden afterwards with Mr. Wortley, when he plainly +spoke to her of her life as one of peculiar trial and temptation, and +warned her how to be in the world, and yet not of the world. + +The nest event of the visit to Fern Torr was Saunders' wedding. Saunders +did not love Oakworthy, still less Mrs. Lyddell, and least of all Mrs. +Price, the ladies' maid; and when she found herself at Fern Torr again, +and heard Mr. David Chapple renew his tender speeches, the return +thither became more and more difficult; and one day, while plaiting her +young lady's hair, she communicated to her with a great gush of tears, +that, though she could not bear to think of leaving her, and would not +on any account cause her any inconvenience, she began to think it was +time to think about her marriage. + +It was a stroke to Marian to hear of losing any old familiar face, and +her look of dismay was a great satisfaction to Saunders; but she could +bear it better than she could once have done, and there were reasons +which made a change not so very much to be regretted even by her. +The quarrels between Saunders and the rest of the household were not +agreeable, and what she now felt to be a serious evil, was that habit of +complaining to her, and telling her stories against the family, of which +Edmund had warned her long ago. She had tried to discourage it, but, +once begun, it had never been entirely discontinued; and Marian felt it +to be wrong in every way. + +She made up her mind, therefore, with greater philosophy than could have +been expected, to the loss of Saunders; and was further consoled by +finding it gave hey an opportunity of promoting a nice young Fern Torr +damsel, too delicate for hard work, who had been taught dressmaking, and +whom Saunders undertook to instruct in the mysteries of the hair, quite +sufficiently to carry her on till they went to London, and she could +take lessons from some grand frizeur. + +Mrs. Lyndell was written to, and gave her consent to the hiring of +Fanny, and Marian and Agnes were so delighted at the opening thus made +for her, that Saunders would have been jealous if she had not been too +happily engaged in her own preparations. + +As to Gerald he made a dreadful face when he first heard of Saunders' +intentions; but as her going made no difference to his comfort, he soon +became resigned. David was an old acquaintance, whom he liked because +he belonged to the genus groom; so he made no objection to his sister's +attending the wedding. He presented the bride with a tea-set, splendid +with gilding, and surprised every one by walking into Mr. Wortley's +kitchen in the midst of the bridal entertainment, and proposing the +health of the happy pair. + +Marian was to return under Gerald's escort, at the end of the holidays. +He was to go on to Eton, leaving her at the railway station, where she +was to be met by the Lyddells' carriage. The last letter arrived, +in which arrangements respecting time and train were to be finally +confirmed. It was, as usual, from Caroline; and as she opened it, Marian +gave a sudden start. + +"Eh?" said Gerald, "whose mare's dead? Not Elliot's Queen Pomare, I +hope!" + +"No, but Miss Morley is going." + +"O!" cried Gerald, "I hope she has been reading some more letters." + +"Not quite," said Marian smiling. + +"Well, but is it directly? I suppose you did not think she was to stay +there for life? Has she been in any mischief, that you look so shocked?" + +Marian really could not help discovering that she was not without +tenderness of feeling for Miss Morley, and did not like to proclaim, in +Caroline's strong and rather satirical language, across the breakfast +table, that Mrs. Lyddell had discovered by accident that she and her +pupil were in the habit of amusing themselves with novels which were +far better unread. After reading quickly to the end of the letter, she +answered, "O, she has been reading books with Clara that Mrs. Lyddell +did not approve." + +"A triumph! a triumph!" cried Agnes. "Now Marian will never attempt to +defend Miss Morley again." + +"What, not the poor unfortunate faithful? How can you think me so base?" +returned Marian. "Besides, poor thing, she really is very kind-hearted, +and has very little harm in her. I dare say it was more Clara's fault +than hers," + +"Well done, Marian, striking right and left!" observed James Wortley. + +"How long has Miss Morley been at Oakworthy?" asked Mrs. Wortley. + +"She came about a year before we did," replied Marian. + +"Her predecessor, Miss Cameron, must have been a very different person; +Caroline and Walter always speak of her with such respect." + +"Poor unfortunate!" broke out Gerald. "Well, if it had not been for +Marian's letters, I should not have hated her so much. When one was +making a row, she never did anything worse than say, 'Now Sir Gerald!'" +which he gave with her peculiarly unauthoritative, piteous, imploring +drawl. + +"There was something in that title of 'poor unfortunate,' peculiarly +appropriate," said Marian, laughing, "as I am afraid that it is now, +poor thing. She is to leave Oakworthy immediately, and I do not know +that she has any relation but an old aunt." + +Mr. and Mrs. Wortley agreed with Marian that it was a melancholy case, +but the others were too triumphant to be compassionate; and Gerald +amused Agnes half the morning with ludicrous stories of her +inefficiency. + +Marian was thoughtful all day; and at last, when sitting alone with Mrs. +Wortley and Agnes, exclaimed, "Poor Miss Morley! I really am very sorry +for her; I did not know I liked her so well." + +"Absence is the great charm with Marian," said Agnes, laughing; "we +learn now what makes her so affectionate to us." + +"No, but really, Agnes, when one has been living in constant intercourse +for four years, and often receiving kindness from a person, is it +possible to hear of her being sent away in disgrace and poverty without +caring about it?" + +"O yes; I know; after having lived in the same house with a kitchen +poker for four years, you get so attached to it that it gives you a pang +to part with it. No, but the comparison is no compliment to the poker; +that is firm enough, at any rate,--a down cushion would be better." + +"An attachment to a down cushion is nothing to be ashamed of, Agnes," +said her mother. + +"And Miss Morley did deserve some attachment, indeed," said Marian. "She +was so ready to oblige, and she really did many and many a kind thing by +the servants; and I believe she quite denied herself, for the sake of +her old aunt. She was not fit for a governess, to be sure; but that was +more her misfortune than her fault, poor thing." + +"How do you make that out?" said Agnes. + +"Why, she was obliged to got her own living; and what other way had +she? She was educated for it, and had everything but the art of gaining +authority." + +"And high principle," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"But," said Marian, growing eager in her defence, "she really did know +right from wrong. She would remonstrate, and tell us things that were +every word good and true, only she did it with so little force, that +they were apt not to mind her; and then it was no wonder that she grew +dispirited, and sunk into poor unfortunate." + +"Yes," said Agnes, "I can understand it all; she was in a situation that +she was not fit for, and failed." + +"She would have been very different in another situation, most +probably," said Mrs. Wortley, "where she and the children were not so +much left to each other's mercy." + +"Yes; Mrs. Lyddell never mended matters," said Marian. "She did not back +up or strengthen her, but only frightened her, till she was quite as +ready to conceal what was amiss as her pupils. And that intimacy with +Clara was a very unlucky thing; it drew her down without drawing Clara +up." + +"I suppose that was the origin of the catastrophe," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"I should think so; they have been more alone together lately, for I am +sure this could never have happened when Caroline was in the schoolroom. +And her making a friend of Clara was no wonder, so forlorn and solitary +as she must have been." And Marian sighed with fellow-feeling for her. + +"An intimate, not a friend," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"And I could better fancy making a friend of Miss Lyddell," said Agnes. +"I can't say my tete-a-tete with Miss Clara made me desire much more of +her confidence." + +"Clara is more caressing," said Marian. "I think I am most fond of her, +though Caroline is--O! quite another thing. But what I wanted was to ask +you, Mrs. Wortley, if you thought I might write to poor Miss Morley, and +ask if there is anything I can do for her. I can't bear to think of her +going away without wishing her good-bye, or showing any feeling for her +in her distress." + +"How very right and kind of you, Marian," exclaimed Agnes, "after all +her injustice--" + +"I do not think it would be advisable, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +would seem like putting yourself in opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +might be pledging yourself, in a manner, to recommend her, which, with +your opinion of her, you could not well do." + +"O, no, no, except in some particular case. Yes, I suppose you are +right; but I don't feel happy to take no notice." + +"Perhaps something may occur on your return, when you understand the +matter more fully; or, at any rate, if you are writing to Oakworthy, you +might send some message of farewell, kind remembrances, or love." + +"Those are so unmeaning and conventional that I hate them," said Marian. + +"Yes, but their want of meaning is their advantage here. They are merely +kindly expressions of good will." + +"And they will mean more from you," added Agnes, "as you never have the +civility to use them on ordinary occasions." + +"Well, I will take your advice," said Marian, "and thank you, Mrs. +Wortley; I only wish--" + +The wish ended in a sigh, as Marian sat down to commence--"My dear +Caroline." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + "But we are women when boys are but boys; + Heav'n gives us grace to ripen and grow wise, + Some six years earlier. I thank heav'n for it: + We grow upon the sunny side of the wall." + + TAYLOR. + + +It certainly was quite involuntary on Agnes Wortley's part, but when +the time came for returning to Oakworthy, Marian was conscious of more +kindly and affectionate feelings towards it and its inhabitants than she +had ever expected to entertain for them. She did not love Fern Torr or +the Wortleys less; she had resumed her confidence and sympathy with +Agnes, and felt the value of Mrs. Wortley more than ever; and it quite +made her heart ache to think how long it would be before she saw another +purple hill or dancing streamlet, and that she should not be there to +see her dear old myrtle's full pride of blossom. But, on the other hand, +her room at Oakworthy, with its treasures, was a sort of home; and she +looked forward to it gladly, when once she was out of sight of the +moors. + +The train had stopped and gone on again from the last station before +that where they were to leave it for Oakworthy, when Gerald, coming +across to the seat by her side, said, "Marian, I say, can you lend me a +couple of pounds?" + +"Why, Gerald, what can you want with them?" + +"Never mind; only be a good girl, and let me have them." + +"You had plenty of money when you came to Fern Torr. How could you have +got rid of it all?" + +"Come, come, Marian, don't be tiresome. Haven't I had to give to all the +old women in the place?" + +"But do you really mean that you have no money?" + +"O yes, I have some, but not what I want. Come, I know you keep +California in your pocket. What harm can it do you?" + +After all Marian's presents at Fern Torr, it was not quite as +convenient, as Gerald fancied, to part with two pounds; but that was not +the best motive to put forward, nor was it her reason for hesitating. + +"I don't know whether it is right; that is the thing, Gerald." + +"Right! why where is the right or wrong in it?" + +"I am afraid it may do you harm," said she, in a trembling, doubtful +voice. + +"Stuff! I'll take care of that!" + +"If you would only tell me what you want it for?" + +"I tell you, Marian, I can't do without it; I don't know what I shall +do, if you won't give it to me." + +"Debts! O Gerald, you have not got into debt?" + +"Well, and what do you look so scared about? Do you think they will kill +me?" + +"O, Gerald, Gerald, this proves it all." + +"It? what?" said Gerald. "Come, don't be so like a girl! I have not been +doing any thing wrong, I tell you, and it is all your fault if I can't +get clear." + +"With such an allowance as you have, O Gerald, how could you? And how +could you throw about money at home, when you knew you were in debt?" + +"You talk as if I had been ruining my wife and ten small children," +cried Gerald, impatiently. "A fine fuss about making a few pounds stand +over till next half. But you women go headlong at it, never see the +rights of a thing. So, you won't? Well, it is your doing now!" + +"I can't see any end to it," said Marian, reflectingly. "If I thought +you would make a resolution--but you will be without money at all, and +how are you to get through this half? O, Gerald! better write to Mr. +Lyddell at once, and he will set you straight, and you can begin fresh." + +Gerald made a face of utter contempt. The steam whistle was heard; they +were stopping. "There is an end of it, then" said he, angrily. "I did +not think you had been so ill-natured; it is all your fault, I tell you. +I thought you cared for me." + +This was dreadful; Marian's purse was in her hand, and she began "O +Gerald dear, anything but that!"--when they found themselves close in +front of the station, and Lionel pulling at the door of their carriage, +and calling fiercely to the porter to unlock them. + +Caroline was standing on the platform, and there was a tumult of +greetings and inquiries for luggage to be taken out and put in. Gerald +ran to see that his goods were separated from his sister's; Lionel shook +hands with Marian, and scolded her for staying away all the holidays; +roared to the porter that his portmanteau was for Slough, then turned +again to say, "You've heard of poor unfortunate, Marian?" + +The bell rang; Gerald ran back; Marian knew she was weak, but could +not help it,--she squeezed the two sovereigns into his hand, and was +comforted for the moment by his affectionate farewell. Lionel and he +threw themselves into their carriage, and were whisked off. + +"There!" said Caroline. "Now come along. O, I am so glad you are come; I +have so much to say." + +Marian could not dwell on Gerald; she put her arm within Caroline's, +looked back to see Fanny safe under the care of an Oakworthy footman, +and soon was in the carriage. + +"Well, Caroline; and how is every one?" + +"Pretty well, considering the revulsion of ideas we have all undergone. +Poor Miss Morley left plenty of farewells for you. You can't think haw +pleased she was with your message." + +"Poor thing! Where is she?" + +"At her aunt's; she went on Monday. Mamma was impatient to have it over. +You know her ways." + +Marian knew that this intimated that Caroline thought her mother had +not been kind; and she doubted whether to continue her inquiries; +but Caroline was too eager to tell, to wait for questions, and +proceeded:--"There had been dissatisfaction for a long time, as I +believe you may have guessed; mamma thought Clara backward, and wanting +in what Miss Morley calls 'the solid;' and at last, coming suddenly into +the schoolroom at twelve o'clock one fine day, she found reason good, +for they were very comfortably reading M. Eugene Sue." + +"O, Caroline, impossible!" + +"Too possible," said Caroline, "though I would not believe it at first. +However, they did not know what it was when they began, and were +afterwards too much bewitched with the story to leave off; and as they +felt it was wrong, they read it the more constantly to get it over +faster." + +"But how in the world could they get such a book?" + +"From the circulating library. It appears that they found the evenings +rather dull in London this spring, when we were all out, and so began a +little secret hiring, which was continued at Oakworthy, and with a worse +choice of books." + +"That she should be so little to be trusted!" + +"Nay, Marian, who could live with her half-an-hour in the schoolroom, +and think she could?" + +"Certainly, she often puzzled me when first I came." + +"And you never saw the worst. You always kept order, after you came." + +"O, Caroline, what nonsense!" + +"Yes, indeed you did. I do assure you that, scores of times, the +knowledge that your great eyes were wondering at me has kept me from +bullying Miss Morley into letting me do what I knew to be wrong. I could +persuade her and deceive myself, but I could not persuade you; and then +all the rest went for nothing, because you were sure to be right." + +"It is very easy to see the right for other people," said Marian, with +rather a sad smile. + +"Yes, only other people don't mind that, unless you do the right +for yourself; and that is the thing in you, Marian. If you had said +anything, I should not have minded it half so much; but your 'I don't +know,' cut me home." + +"I am sorry--" + +"No, don't be sorry, for I am glad. If you had not come before all the +good of Miss Cameron had gone off from me, what should I have been? O, +Marian, I am very glad you are come back; I did not know I liked you +half so well till you were gone." + +"I am sure I might say the same" almost whispered Marian, in a choked +tone, under her bonnet. Caroline caught it up eagerly, and seizing her +by both hands, exclaimed, stooping forward to peep at her face, "Marian, +Marian, do you say so? And are you really not so very miserable at +coming back to us?" + +A tear, one of Marian's very reluctant tears, actually rushed from her +eye, and with a hard struggle to speak, she said, "Miserable! how can +you say so? You are so very kind to me." + +"And do you not hate us?" said Caroline, with, an arch look of delight, +then softened into something of mournfulness. "Nay, I did not mean that; +but you can bear to be with us after your own Agnes,--after those good +people,--after such a home as Fern Torr?" + +"O, Caroline, this is very unlike my first coming to you!" + +"Yes, I know we were not kind; we were not as we ought to have been to +you." + +"No, no, no; I was stiff and disagreeable; I would not be pleased," said +Marian, forgetting all coldness but her own. + +"No wonder. O, Marian," and Caroline's voice trembled, "no one knows +better than I do how much there is to be lamented in our ways of going +on,--how different our house is from Fern Torr." Marian could not say +no. "You were too good for us; you are still, I would not see you like +us; but if we could make you comfortable enough to think Oakworthy not +an exile, but something like a home, how glad I should be!" + +Marian laid her hand on Caroline's arm; and, with an effort that cost +her a spasm in her throat, she said, "You have!" Not another word could +she get out; but this was enough. Caroline kissed her for the first time +in her life, except at the formal partings at bed-time, and there were +tears on both their faces. After a time, Caroline broke into the flood +of thoughts in her cousin's mind, by saying, playfully, "When folks are +missed, then they are mourned, people say; and I am sure you deserve the +compliment, for till you were gone, I never knew your value. How many +silly fancies of Clara's have flourished, for want of your indifference +to put them down! How stupid it has been not to have you to read with, +or talk to! How lonely the drawing-room has been, and nothing but +nonsense if I went to the schoolroom. And then the boys,--Lionel has +been so unruly there was no bearing it, and grumbling for you every day; +and Johnny,--O, Marian, do you know it is settled that Johnny goes to +sea, after all?" + +"Johnny! I know he wished it, but I thought Mrs. Lyddell never would +make up her mind to it." + +"Ah! there have been storms in the higher quarters," said Caroline, with +would-be gaiety. "You are very lucky to have been away all this time, +for it has been by no means a serene sky. You know," she proceeded with +gravity, "they say the times are bad; well, in the midst of papa's +vexation at the tenants asking for a reduction of rent, in came a whole +lot of Elliot's long bills, which made papa lecture Walter and me one +whole evening on economy, and caused him to be extremely annoyed with +everything and everybody, and to say mamma must give up her opposition +to Johnny's being a sailor; and I never saw mamma take anything so +really to heart. It has been very uncomfortable; and in the midst came +this business of poor Miss Morley, who had rather harder measure in +consequence." + +"Poor little woman! Well, she was very good-natured," said Marian, glad +to turn the conversation from this account of family matters, not given +in the pleasantest style, but rather as if Caroline was trying to +conceal her real feelings by an air of satire. + +"She was like a child in authority. You see, we, who know her well, +never think of blaming her as if she had originated the mischief; while +mamma, who never did know her, cannot be persuaded that she simply +yielded to Clara." + +"That is not exactly the object one desires in a governess," said +Marian. "Well, poor thing! and how is Clara? is she very sorry?" + +"I really can hardly tell. I have been vexed with Clara myself, to tell +you the truth; for I thought she acted shabbily. The blame passed over +her, and lighted on Miss Morley; and she did not stretch out a hand to +help her. Now Clara knew that it was wrong to read those books, just as +well as you or I; indeed, it was all her doing; and I could not bear +to see, her thinking herself innocent, and led into the scrape by Miss +Morley. She did cry excessively, and was very unhappy when she found +Miss Morley was really going, and the parting was heart-rending; but +then the very next day, in spite of their confidential friendship, she +began to disclose the poor woman's follies one after another, till I am +quite tired of hearing of them. They must have grown much worse than +they were in our time. I never knew then that she was always fancying +people were in love with her." + +"T wonder what she will do!" + +"She would not be a bad governess where the mother looked after the +children. Well, I hope she will soon get another situation, poor thing!" + +"Yes, indeed, for I am afraid she never saved anything." + +"O, no, she frittered all her money away, and always was poor at +quarter-day; and she has only that old aunt to take care of her." + +"Poor thing, poor thing! If she would but have been firmer. And is Clara +to have another governess?" + +"No, mamma thinks her too old; but I am sure I hope she is to develope +more. I do not think you or I were like her at fifteen." + +"I think," said Marian, meditatively, "that Miss Morley and Clara helped +what--was not wise in each other." + +"Yes, that is my hope,--that when Clara is out of her influence, she may +grow wiser. People's minds do grow at different times, you know. Poor +little Clara! I want Walter to talk to her, but it is hard to bring +about; for they seem to have no common subject. Ours is a very odd +household; we all go our own ways in our own worlds. Papa and mamma each +have their way; and Elliot his way. Walter stands alone too; then I am a +sort of connecting-link between the schoolroom set and mamma,--yes, and +with Walter too: while the three boys are a party by themselves. O, +Marian, no wonder you did not like us." + +"Say no more of that, pray, Caroline." + +She made no answer, but after a pause, suddenly exclaimed, "Nothing +would matter, if it was not for Elliot. He is the root of all that has +gone wrong." + +"Is he at home?" + +"No; he went last week, and the storm lulled then. O, Marian, I am weary +of it all! But it is one comfort that you are come." + +Caroline certainly looked very much harassed, and her words showed that +every one had been out of temper, and she had been obliged to bear it +all. Marian was very sorry, and felt quite fond of her, as she answered, +with a kind tone, "Thank you." + +"Walter has been the only comfort; but then he has been very unhappy +too. I am afraid he knows more and worse of Elliot than he chooses to +tell me. And then he is so busy,--going up for his degree, you know, +after the vacation, and so nervous about it, that I have not liked to +talk to him about anything tiresome, because, poor fellow, he is +quite worried enough already. Well, but now tell me about pleasanter +things--your pretty Agnes, how is she? and Gerald?--I wanted to have +seen more of him. Was not he in glory?" + +"O, yes," said Marian, as a pang shot through her at this recall of her +anxieties. + +"And tell me the whole story of Saunders' wedding." + +The two cousins had so much to say, that the long reaches of white chalk +road and the bare downs had hardly time to pain Marian's eye; and she +was surprised so soon to find herself in the well-known street of +Oakworthy. + +It was not a hopeful prospect with which to return, after so happy a +summer as she had spent; and yet a degree of trouble gave Marian a +kindlier feeling towards the Lyddells. If it had not been for Gerald, +she would have arrived at Oakworthy in a bright temper. Even now the +discontent had been expelled by the dispositions fostered by Mr. +Wortley; and if there was a weight on her, it was not a burthen of +selfish repining,--the worst burthen of all. That Caroline had really +missed her,--that Caroline loved her,--was a discovery that warmed +her heart, and inclined her more than all before to look kindly on +Oakworthy, when she drove up to the door, and met Clara in the hall. + +Clara hung upon her, and overwhelmed her with kisses; Mrs. Lyddell +received her just as she had done before; and Walter shook hands +cordially, as if he was very glad to see her again. The talk went on +about visits and engagements, and each moment made Marian feel that her +Sunday world had passed from her, and her workday world begun again. + +Clara came to her room with her, partly to see her new maid, and partly +to talk with her about Miss Morley; but Marian, not wishing to have +Fanny immediately astonished by her random way of talking, gave a sort +of stern look and sign, which silenced poor Clara on that subject. There +were plenty more, however, and she talked on fast; indeed, Marian had +not two minutes alone that whole evening, till, somewhere towards +half-past eleven, her cousins bade her a final good-night. + +She had time at last to think over that parting with Gerald, which had +hung heavily on her all this time, without her being able to enter upon +the subject with herself. What did it mean? Was it so very bad a sign? +Did it really confirm all her fears? or was it not possible that he +might have got into some chance difficulty? Might he not be careless and +extravagant, without being seriously in fault? Yes; but this was but of +a piece with other things which she had observed. Alone, it might not +have been so alarming; but even apart from this, she could not be quite +happy about him, after all she had observed. And had she been weak? had +she done what was bad for him? O, for some one to consult!--some one +under whose charge to put him! Was it her own fault that she had missed +the opportunity with Mr. Wortley! + +To pray for him was all that could be done, and it in some degree +stilled that aching feeling in her heart. Yet, whenever she woke in the +night, she seemed to hear Caroline saying, "If it was not for Elliot!" +with a foreboding that "If it was not for Gerald!" might be on her +tongue in the same manner, for the rest of her life. + +Every time Gerald's name was mentioned, there was a pang; every time +she thought of him in solitude, the fear and anxiety gained strength. +Consciousness of ignorance added to its poignancy; and young as she was, +it would be hard to describe how much suffering she underwent in secret, +night after night, as she lay awake, in her perplexed musings on that +one absorbing thought. Yet they were like those vague nightly terrors +of wolves, darkness, or mysterious horrors, from which little children +often suffer so much, without revealing them, and entirely shake off by +day; for Marian awoke in the morning to cheerfulness and activity, with +spirits undepressed, full of interest in things around; and only when +reminded of her fears, secretly wincing at the sudden throb of pain. + +Marian's days were more at her own disposal than formerly. She might do +as she pleased all the morning,--sit in her own room, and choose her own +occupation; and she was just beginning to think over two or three bright +plans of usefulness. She would make a series of copies, from prints, of +Scripture subjects, for the Fern Torr children; she would translate some +stories for them, and she had devised many other things to be done; when +Caroline one day said to her, "Marian, I don't know if it is asking a +great deal, but if you could sit with us sometimes in the morning, it +would be a great gain. Mamma wants me to read with Clara. Now, you know +I have no authority; and doing it for a lesson, as if it was for Clara's +good, will only make her hate it, and pay no attention at all. But if we +read together, as if it was for our own benefit, she will join in, and +think it a womanly thing." + +Marian smiled at the ingenuity of the scheme, such as she would have +been a great deal too awkward, as well as too straightforward ever to +devise. It was a case where "no" could not have been said, but there +were many ways of acting a no; and Marian was so sorry to give up the +Scripture drawings, the idea of which had greatly delighted her when +proposed by Agnes, that she had it in her heart to have backed out of it +as often as she could. A little thought, however, convinced her, that to +help Caroline's plans for her sister's good was the foremost duty, that +to avoid it would be positive wrong and unkindness; so she resolved +to lend herself to it with all her might, even though Agnes might be +disappointed. + +And pray, why should Agnes be disappointed? Why were the drawing and +reading incompatible? Marian had taught herself to think it impossible +to do anything for Fern Torr, in public, for fear of being laughed at, +or observed upon; and these drawings, which were of sacred subjects, and +further involved some alterations of her own, would, she thought, be +worse than any. She mused a long time whether this was right feeling or +foolish bashfulness, and decided at last that it was a little of the +former trying to justify a great deal of the latter, and that Caroline +and Clara were not the same thing as Miss Morley and all the boys; so +with an effort, which, considering the occasion, was almost absurd in +its magnitude, she brought her portfolio down, began to draw, and did +not experience anything unpleasant in consequence. It was one of her +first practical lessons in the fancifulness of her shyness. Her cousins +took interest in what she was about, admired, and helped her to hunt +up subjects to make her series complete; indeed the three girls were +exceedingly comfortable together, and a pleasant, mutual good-feeling +constantly grew between them. Clara was certainly becoming less childish +and silly when no longer nominally under the authority of Miss Morley, +and the confidante of all her follies, but the companion of two sensible +girls, young and bright enough to enter into all the liveliness about +her that was not silliness and a great deal that was, and to drive away +some of her nonsense by laughing at it. + +The mornings were thus pleasant and satisfactory, the afternoons were +less certain to be agreeable. If there was a ride, it was delightful, +if a walk, it was all very well; but there was a third contingency, to +which Marian had become liable, of being carried forth with her green +card-case on a morning visiting expedition by Mrs. Lyddell, and this was +one which required all her powers of resignation, though the misfortune +was much more imaginary than real. + +There were three chances of the way of spending the evening too. The +first, the family party alone, this was pretty well, and though not +charming, was by far the best; Mrs. Lyddell's talk was agreeable, and to +sit with Caroline, and perhaps with the addition of Walter, at the small +table, working, reading, and talking, was as quiet and comfortable a way +of passing the time as might be. A dinner party at home was next best, +for she had her own quiet corners of conversation, and Walter would +sometimes come and take shelter there too, and get into a talk, as well +as if the room were empty of company, sometimes better, because his +mother could not hear him, and he was never so backward in telling his +real mind, as in her hearing. Worst of all was a party from home, where +she knew few persons, and disliked all she knew. + +Unhappily, this was generally her feeling towards all the neighbourhood; +and though it may seem to be a strong expression, it is scarcely too +much to say that in Marian's habitual frame she looked on every one that +could be considered as company in the light of natural enemies, leagued +to prevent her walks and rides, to tease her, and to spoil her evenings. + +This was partly the result of her constitutional shyness, but it would +have gone off, by this time, if she had not fostered it by imbibing Lady +Marchmont's exclusiveness. Marian would have been shocked to realize how +she despised and scorned her acquaintance--why? the answer would have +been hard to find--because they were company--because they were the +world--because they were Mrs. Lyddell's society--because she was +superior? How or why? She disdained them all, without knowing it, and +far less knowing why. She complied scrupulously with every rule of +formal politeness, and had become a tolerable mistress, by rote, of such +common-place small talk as served to fulfil her part, and make her not +feel herself absurd, but this was all; she would not let herself be +pleased or amused, she would not open her eyes to anything good or +agreeable about the people, except a very few favoured ones, chiefly +clergymen or their wives. + +It was very wrong, it was Marian's one great fault at this period of her +life, and it had the effect of making her almost disliked. Clara had +scarcely said too much in telling Agnes that her pride was often +remarked, for Mrs. Lyddell's neighbours were just the people to fancy +pride where it was not, especially where the rank was superior to their +own. Tall, handsome, and outwardly self-possessed, Miss Arundel did not +gain credit, from superficial observers, for shyness, and was looked +upon as a very haughty ungracious girl, while it was whispered that Mrs. +Lyddell had had a great deal of trouble with her. + +The autumn passed on in this manner, and towards its close, Elliot +returned from shooting in Scotland, and announced that his friend, Mr. +Faulkner, was coming to Oakworthy, to look at an estate, which was for +sale in the neighbourhood. + +Mrs. Lyddell was pleased, and questioned her son about Mr. Faulkner's +thousands a-year; then turning to Marian, said, + +"Surely, Marian, you know him; I heard of your meeting him and Lady +Julia at Lady Marchmont's." + +"Yes," said Marian, with her face of rigidity. + +"Ah! yes, to be sure, he told me so," said Elliot. + +"Any one but Marian would be impatient to know what he said of her," +said Caroline. + +"Do you want to know yourself, Caroline?" said Elliot; "shall I tell +you?" + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, in her curiosity, forgetting that Marian might +be pained. + +"Ah! you ought to be warned if you want to set your cap at him, for +she has forestalled you. Let me see, what was it he said? O, that Lady +Marchmont would scarcely be alone in her glory long, for, for such as +liked the style of thing, her cousin was as perfect a piece of carving +in white marble as he ever had seen." + +White marble was certainly not the comparison for Marian's cheeks at +that moment; it was pain and horror to her even to hear that she had +been spoken of between Elliot and Mr. Faulkner, and to be told it in +this manner, in public, was perfectly dreadful. She could neither sink +under the table nor run away, so with crimson face and neck, she kept +her post on the sofa, and every one saw she was intensely annoyed. +Elliot, who had told it in a mischief-making spirit, fancying he should +make his sister jealous, walked away, amusing himself with the notion +that he had sown the dragon's teeth; Caroline was very sorry to have +caused such painful blushes, yet was proud to hear of Marian's being +admired; and Mrs. Lyddell said not a word, but worked on with a jerk at +her thread, trying to persuade herself that she was not vexed that, as +Elliot said, her daughter had been forestalled. + +Marian did not recover herself sufficiently to say one word about Mr. +Faulkner till she was in her own room, and then when Caroline came, to +pity her for her blushes, and apologize for having occasioned them, she +said, "O! how I wish he was not coming!" + +"Why, don't you like him in return for his admiration?" + +"He is a horrible man!" said Marian. + +"Horrible, and why? What has he done to you? I am sure you are very +ungrateful." + +"Don't talk of it," said Marian, blushing furiously again, then +recollecting that she might give rise to a suspicion that he had already +said something to her, she added, "I don't--I don't mean anything about +that nonsense." + +"Well, but what do you mean? Is it really anything more than his being +Elliot's friend, and having dared to--." + +"No, but Caroline, don't say anything about it; it was what I heard +about him at the Marchmonts." + +"O what?" + +"It does not seem fair to tell how they talked over their guests, so +don't repeat it again, pray." + +"You seem to find it like having a tooth drawn. Well! I am sworn to +secrecy. I won't tell a living creature." + +"I am sure I know hardly anything, only that Lord Marchmont thinks very +badly of him, and was quite sorry he had been asked to dinner. And he +spoke of his having taken up Germanism, and oh! Caroline, for a man's +faith to be unsettled is the worst of all, for then there is nothing to +fall back upon." + +Caroline stood by Marian's fire, looking thoughtful for some moments. +"Yes," she said, "you and Walter are in the same mind there, but it is +not like what I was brought up to think. Miss Cameron used to teach us +that the being in earnest in believing was the thing rather than the +form of faith." + +"O, Caroline, that cannot be right. We have been commanded to hold one +form of faith, and it must be wrong to set up another and hold it." + +"Yes, but if people are not clear that only one was given to every one, +and that just as we say it is?" + +"Then it is very bad of them!" said Marian indignantly, "for I am sure +the Bible is quite clear--one faith--the form of sound words--the faith +once delivered to the saints." + +"I am quite clear about it," said Caroline. + +"O, of course," said Marian, looking at her with a sort of alarm at her +speaking of the possibility as regarded herself of not being clear. + +"But if people are not clear, what are they to do?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, quickly; "only I hope I shall never have +anything to do with such people; I can't judge for them; I had rather +not think about them; it is of no use." + +"Of no use--what, not if you could do such a person good?" + +"Only in this way," said Marian, taking up her Prayer Book, and turning +to the Collect for Good Friday. + +"Yes, but trying to convince?" + +"I should be afraid." + +"Afraid! Marian, I am sure nothing could hurt your faith." + +"I would not try," said Marian, shaking her head sadly. + +"But at that rate no one ever would be converted?" + +"You forget that there are clergymen." + +"Yes, but other people have done good." + +"O yes, but not women by arguing. O no, no, Caroline, we never ought to +put our weakness forward, as if it could guard the truth. You know the +wrong side may find stronger arguments than we are able to do--mind I +don't say than can be found--of course truth is the strongest of all, +but we may be overpowered, though the truth is not. We women should not +stand out to argue for the truth any more than we should stand out to +fight as champions in the right cause." + +"And is this the reason you never would argue?" + +"I don't know--I mean no, it was only because I had nothing to say; I +knew when a thing was right, but could not tell why, and the more you +asked, the more I did not know." + +"And do you know now?" + +"Sometimes," said Marian, "not often, but Mr. Wortley taught me some +things, and one grows up to others. But I could never explain even when +I know." + +"For instance--" said Caroline, laughing. + +"O that came, I don't know how. Have I said so much?" + +"A great deal that is very nice. Good night, Marian." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + "She seemed some nymph in her sedan, + Apparelled in exactest sort, + And ready to be borne to court." + + COWPER. + + +Mr. Faulkner came at the time appointed, and Caroline, who had kept +Marian's counsel, according to promise, was very curious to see how they +would behave towards each other. As to Marian, she was just what might +be expected,--more cold, distant, and stately than she had ever been to +the most vulgar of Mrs. Lyddell's acquaintance. She gave a chilling bend +to repel his attempt at shaking hands, made replies of the shortest when +he tried to talk to her, and would not look up, or put on the slightest +air of interest, at all the entertaining stories he was telling at +dinner. + +The others were all extremely pleased with him. Elliot had never before +brought home so agreeable a friend; a person who could talk of anything +but hunting and racing was a new thing among his acquaintance, and +every one was loud in his praise. Caroline, from having been prejudiced +against him by Marian's history, was more surprised than the others: +and scolded Marian, in the evening, for not having told them how very +agreeable he was. + +"I never can think any one agreeable when I know there is hollowness +within," said Marian. + +"I suppose Lord Marchmont knows," said Caroline, in a tone of annoyance +and of a little doubt; and there the conversation ended. + +Few people were ever more agreeable than Mr. Faulkner. He had read +everything, travelled everywhere, and was full of conversation suited to +every one. If Marain had not heard Lord Marchmont's account of him, she +must have liked him; but knowing what she did, she could and would not: +looking at him something as Madame Cottin's Matilde first looked at +Malek Adel, and not suffering herself to lose any of her horror. For the +first day or two her frigidity was something wonderful, as she found +him inclined to make attempts to cultivate her acquaintance; but she +thoroughly succeeded in repelling him. He left off trying to talk to +her; and one day when they were obliged to go in to dinner together, +only exchanged the fewest and most formal of words with her, and +positively neglected her for his other neighbour. + +After this, Marian did not quite so much overdo her stateliness. She +could afford to be like herself with the others, even when he was in the +room, though she never voluntarily took part in a conversation in +which he was engaged, and her coldest air came over her whenever he +approached. And it was well for her she could be so; for he stayed more +than a fortnight, decided on buying the estate of High Down, and was +asked to come again and make his head-quarters at Oakworthy, while +superintending the alterations. All were sorry when he went; even the +boys, whose first holiday week had been rendered very agreeable by his +good nature. Johnny and Gerald vied with each other in his praise, +heaping together a droll medley of schoolboy panegyrics; and Marian, not +wishing to tell them of her objections, allowed that he had been very +kind to them. + +The Christmas holidays passed, and left no change in the impression on +her mind regarding Gerald; only she heard no news of her two sovereigns, +and he did not so much as give her the opportunity of speaking to him +alone. The heartache was growing worse than ever, and she was beginning +to have a sort of desperate feeling that she would--she would--do she +knew not what--write to Mr. Wortley--write more strongly to Gerald than +she had ever yet dared to do--when one morning, a foreign looking letter +arrived, in handwriting she knew full well, though it had never before +been addressed to herself. There was company staying in the house, and +Marian was not sorry it was impossible to read it at the breakfast +table. She did not know what she was eating or what she was saying, and +ran away with it as soon as she could, to enjoy it in her own room. A +letter from Edmund! Could it be possible, or could it--O disappointing +thought!--be only some enclosure for her to forward. In alarm at the +idea, she tore it open. A long letter, and quite certainly to herself; +for there stood the three welcome words, "My dear Marian." She glanced +hastily down the first page, to make sure that there was nothing the +matter; but no, it was all right--he wrote in his own lively style. He +began by saying it was so long since he had heard from England, that he +was growing afraid he was forgotten, and felt very small when the post +came in, and brought something for every one but him; and he was going +to try a fresh person, since he was growing desperate, and had sent +appeals in vain to all his correspondents. He asked many questions about +home friends, and about Marian herself; and then told much to +interest her about his own doings, his way of living, and his hunting +expeditions, with all the strange wild beasts with which they had made +him acquainted, and he concluded thus:--"I hope you will write soon, and +that you will be able to give me a flourishing account of Gerald. His +silence may mean nothing, but it may also mean so much, that to hear +he is going on particularly well would be double satisfaction just +at present. Therefore with a view to what passed in our last walk at +Oakworthy, tell me if you are completely satisfied with regard to him." + +It was a ray of light upon all Marian's perplexities; showing her what +course to take, and filling her with hope. Her confidence in Edmund's +power of setting everything right was still unchanged, and when Gerald's +case was fully before him, he would know how to judge, and what to do; +it would all be safe and off her mind. She felt sure that this had been +the very reason of his writing; and full of gratitude, and infinitely +relieved, she opened her desk, as if to answer was the easiest and most +comfortable thing in the world. + +She did not, however, get on quite as fast as she expected; she dreaded +equally the saying too much, or too little,--the giving Edmund actually +a bad impression of her poor Gerald, or letting him think that there was +no cause for anxiety. Then she thought the best way would be merely to +give the facts, and let him draw his own conclusions; but these facts +were in themselves trifles light as air, and it seemed unkind to send +them across half the world. She left off trying to write, and resolved +to give herself time for consideration; but time only made her more +perplexed. She waited a week, wrote at last, and as soon as her letter +was fairly gone, thought of forty different ways of saying the thing +better and more justly, dwelt again and again on each line that could +convoy a false impression one way or the other, and reproached herself +by turns for having spoken disadvantageously of her dear affectionate +brother, and for not having let her cousin fairly see the full extent of +the mischief. On the whole, however, she was much happier now that it +was all in Edmund's hands; so much so, that when Mr. Faulkner came +again, she could not be quite so stiff; and being entirely relieved +from the fear of his taking notice of her, could do him the favour of +laughing when he told anything amusing. + +Winter and early spring came and went; the Easter holidays brought +Gerald home, and she tried again in vain to get him to write to Edmund; +but she could bear it better now that she had hopes. + +They went to London, and Marian was carried into the midst of all the +gaieties supposed to befit her age and situation. Mrs. Lyddell would +have thought herself very far from "doing her justice," if she had +not taken her to all the balls and parties in her way; and Marian was +obliged to submit, and get into the carriage, when she had much rather +have gone to bed. + +She put off the expectation of much enjoyment till Lady Marchmont should +come, and her arrival took place unusually late that season. She had +not been well, and little Willie had been somewhat ailing; so that the +bringing him into London air was put off as long as possible. It was not +till the latter part of May that she came, as she had always promised to +do, in time for Marian's presentation at court, on which both she and +Mrs. Lyddell were bent; and Marian ready to endure it, by the help of a +few romantic thoughts of loyalty. The day after Lady Marchmont arrived, +she called at Mrs. Lyddell's and came in, as she generally did once in +a year. After her visit was over, she asked Marian to come and take a +drive, and no sooner where they in the carriage, than she exclaimed, "A +nice looking girl, that Miss Lyddell! Is she the one who is to marry Mr. +Faulkner?" + +"O, Selina! how could you have heard such nonsense?" + +"What, is it to be denied? It is not settled, then?" + +"No, nor ever will be." + +"Why, surely the man has been spending months at Oakworthy." + +"Only weeks; besides, he was buying a house." + +"A very proper preliminary to a wife." + +"O, no, no it is impossible!" + +"But why? Perhaps you know some good reason to the contrary; for I heard +he admired you very much when he met you last year." + +"Don't say such things, Selina. How could you fancy it possible, after +all the horrid things Lord Marchmont said of him!" + +"What is impossible, my dear? That he should think you very handsome?" + +"Don't, Selina, pray don't! That any body good for any thing should ever +marry him!" + +"Any body good for any thing!" repeated Selina. "Well, granted,--and +it is a considerable grant,--does that make the supposition out of the +question?" + +"Yes, as regards Caroline. O, Selina! you do not know Caroline, or you +would not look so incredulous!" + +"Time will show," said Lady Marchmont, gaily. "I reserve to myself the +satisfaction of having known it beforehand." + +"It never will be," said Marian. "And how is little Willie?" + +"Very well, poor little man, if he would only grow, but he is so small, +that I am fairly ashamed to show such a hop-o'-my-thumb. But he is +coming out quite a genius; he reads as well as I do, and makes the +wisest speeches." + +And the history of his wise speeches occupied them for some time, with +other matters, until just as their drive was nearly concluded, Selina +exclaimed, "But all this time I have never asked you if you can throw +any light on this extraordinary step of Edmund Arundel's?" + +"What do you mean?" cried Marian. + +"Have you not heard that he has exchanged, and is coming home? The most +foolish thing,--just as he might have been sure of promotion. It is not +likely to be health, for the climate agreed very well with him." + +"Yes," assented Marian, wrapt in her own thoughts; "but did he write to +you?" + +"Not a word; we only saw it in the Gazette, and Lord Marchmont would +hardly believe it could be he; but it was but too plain,--Lieutenant +Edmund Gerald Arundel. It is very strange; he was not wont to do foolish +things." + +"No," said Marian, mechanically. + +"And you know nothing about it? You know him better than we do. Ho +seemed the very man for the Colonies, with no ties at home, unless--no, +it is impossible--unless there could be a lady in the case." + +"O, no!" replied Marian colouring so much at the secret consciousness of +his motive, that Selina laughed, saying, "I could almost suspect you, in +spite of your demureness, of being the very lady. However, I am glad you +think there is no truth in my surmise, for he could not do a more absurd +thing than marry. Only when a man gives up all his prospects in this +way, there is nothing too preposterous to be expected to come next." + +By this time they were at Mrs. Lyddell's door, and Marian gladly +escaped, feeling stunned at the effect her letter had produced. How +noble, how kind, how generous, how self-devoted Edmund was! this was the +prominent thought. She knew him to be very fond and very proud of his +regiment, to be much attached to several of his brother officers, and to +have given them more of his affection than persons with home interests +generally do; indeed, they had served him instead of home. All his +success in life, and his hopes of promotion, given up too,--sacrifices +which she could not estimate; and it was she who had caused them. She +had thoughtlessly led him to do himself all this injury, out of his +kindness and affection, and his sense of duty towards her and her +brother. She was very unhappy when she thought of this; then came the +bright ray of joy and relief in hope and confidence for Gerald,--Gerald +saved, saved from corruption, ruin, from being like Elliot, from +breaking her heart, made all that his father and mother would have made +him, her pride, her delight, the glory and honour of Fern Torr,--O, +joy, joy! And the mere seeing Edmund again,--joy, joy! Yes, the joy far +predominated over the pain and regret; indeed, be the injury to himself +what it might, who could be sorry that he had acted so nobly? Yes, +Marian was happy; her eyes were bright, her smile frequent; she laughed +with Clara, she romped with little Willie Marchmont, she was ungracious +to none but Mr. Faulkner who came to the house so much, that she began +to fear that Caroline might have the annoyance of an offer from him, +more especially since he had made his mother and sister call on Mrs. +Lyddell, and Miss Faulkner seemed to intend to be intimate. + +The day of the drawing-room had come; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline were +going, and Marian was of course to go with Lady Marchmont. She had just +been full dressed, and had come down stairs to wait for Lady Marchmont's +carriage, when a step was heard approaching. She thought it was the +servant, to announce it; it was the servant, but the announcement was +not what she expected. It was "Mr. Arundel,"--and Edmund stood before +her, browner, thinner, older, but still Edmund himself. + +She could not have spoken; she only held out her hand, and returned his +strong pressure with all the force her soft fingers were capable of. +Mrs. Lyddell spoke, he answered, explanations were given and received, +and still she stood as if she was dreaming, until he turned to her, and +said, "Well, Marian, these are transformations indeed?" + +"I can't help it," said Marian. + +"Do you think I want you to help it? I suppose I need not ask if the +Marchmonts are in town?" + +"Lady Marchmont presents Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell; "we expect her +carriage every minute." + +And just then the announcement really came. + +"Her carriage, not herself?" said Edmund. "Well, I think I might go +with you to her house, Marian, if your feathers are not ashamed of such +shabby company." + +"O, pray come!" + +"And you will return to dinner, I hope, Mr. Arundel," said Mrs. Lyddell, +"at half-past seven? Mr. Lyddell will be so glad to see you." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, and the two cousins went down stairs +together. As soon as they were in the carriage, Edmund said, "A lucky +moment to come in. It is something to have seen you in all your +splendour. You have grown into something magnificent!" + +"All this finery makes me look taller than I really am." + +"Nevertheless, however you may try to conceal it, I am afraid you have +turned into the full grown cat. I saw it in your letter." + +"O, Edmund, I am so sorry I wrote that letter." + +"Why? Are you happier about Gerald?" + +"No, I don't know that I am," said Marian, sighing; "but--but I little +thought it would make so much difference to you. I did not know what I +was doing." + +"I am glad of it, or you would not have written so freely; though after +all you could not have helped being like a sensible straightforward +person." + +"O, it is untold relief that you are come; and yet I must be sorry--" + +"I won't have you sorry. No one should regret having told the honest +truth. The fact is, I ought never to have gone. And poor Gerald?" + +"I have no more to say, only vague fears. But now you are come, it is +all right." + +"Don't trust too much to me, Marian. Remember, it will be a generous +thing in Gerald if he attends to me at all. He is not obliged to do so." + +"You will--you must do everything. Gerald is as fond of you as ever, I +know he is, though he would not write. O, I am glad! You heard of our +delightful going home, I hope?" + +"Yes. All well there?" said Edmund, hurriedly. + +"Very well. Agnes is grown so tall, and it is so very nice there. The +old Manor house--" + +"Well," he broke in suddenly; "and how do you get on with Selina +Marchmont." + +"She is very, very kind. But O! here we are in her street, and I shall +have no more of you to-day." + +"Not at dinner?" + +"O; it is a great, horrid party, as Mrs. Lyddell should have warned +you." + +"Could not I take you in to dinner?" + +"I am afraid not. Mrs. Lyddell will never treat me as if I was at home, +and I am afraid there is an honourable man that I must be bestowed on." + +They had reached Lady Marchmont's door, and going up stairs, found her +looking like a princess in a fairy tale, in her white plumes and her +diamonds; and Willie, the smallest, most delicate, and prettiest of +little boys, admiring the splendours of his papa's yeomanry uniform. + +In spite of being considerably provoked with Edmund for having come +home, Lord and Lady Marchmont welcomed him with as much warmth as if +it was the most prudent thing he could have done. They insisted on his +coming to stay at their house, and as it was full time to set off, left +him to see about his worldly goods being transported thither. + +"Has he told you his reason, Marian?" asked Selina, as soon as the two +ladies and their trains were safely disposed of, in the carriage. + +"I know them," said Marian, her colour rising, "and most noble they are; +but I had rather let him tell you himself." + +"Marian's discretion again," said Lord Marchmont, smiling. + +"Only set me at rest on one point," said Selina; "it is no love affair, +I hope?" + +"No, indeed," said Marian; "or do you think he would have told me?" + +Probably there were few young ladies who played their part that day in +the drawing-room, that last remnant of the ancient state and majesty of +our courts, with happier minds, or less intent on their own appearance, +than Marian Arundel. She was very glad when the bustle and crowd were +over, and she could be alone to enjoy the certainty that Edmund was +really at home again. + +He came according to promise that evening, but she could not have much +conversation with him, as he was placed at a distance from her, the +greater part of the time. He was not sorry to be thus able to watch her, +though he did not see her in the point of view in which she pleased him +best. She looked better now, he thought, than in the court dress; for +the broad, simple, antique braids of her dark hair, only adorned by two +large pearl pins, suited better than the plumes and lappets, with the +cast of her classical features. All that he had thought promised +beauty, as a child, had fulfilled the promise, and the countenance, the +expression, would have been fine, seen on a much plainer face, and as +she eat there, her black, shady eyes cast down, her dark pencilled +eyebrows contrasting with her colourless cheek, and her plain white +drapery in full folds, flowing round her, she might have been some +majestic lady in a mysterious picture, who had stepped from her frame +into a scene belonging to another age. She looked as if she was acting a +tableau; she moved, indeed, and smiled, and spoke occasionally; but the +queen-like deportment of her neck did not relax; her lips resumed their +statue-like expression; there was no smile about the eye, no interest +in the air. She was among the company, but not of them; neither shy nor +formal, but as if she belonged to some other sphere, and had only come +there by mistake. Edmund could have counted the times, for they were +few enough, when her head bent forward with eagerness, and there was +animation in her face. + +How different from Caroline! her brightly coloured, blooming face +sparkling with life and light; flowers among her light, shining hair; +her dress of well-chosen, tasteful, brilliant tints, ornament, lace +and ribbon, all well assorted in kind and quantity, her alert, lively +movements carrying her from one group to another, with something +pleasant and appropriate to say to all, bringing smiles and animation +with her wherever she went. Not that Edmund did not prefer his cousin's +severe simplicity, and admire it as something grand; but that stern +grandeur was not all that fitted the place; and though he thought her +beautiful, he was not satisfied. + +Edmund had some talk with Mrs. Lyddell, who spoke of Gerald with great +warmth; more, he thought, than she showed in the mention of Marian. He +stayed till the last, and saw the relaxation of her grand company-face, +before he wished them good night. + +"Well," said Mrs. Lyddell, as the door closed behind him, and she +lighted her candle, "Africa has not robbed Mr. Arundel of all his good +looks. How old is he?" + +"Nearly twenty-eight," said Marian. + +"I am always forgetting that he is so young," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Well, +good night. I wonder what brought him home?" + +"I do not wonder, for it is plain enough," said Caroline, as the girls +turned up their own staircase. + +"Marian tries to look innocent," said Clara, laughing violently. + +"I am sure I don't understand," said Marian. + +"Now I am sure that is on purpose to make us explain," said Clara. "It +is too bad, Marian; when he came straight to you, instead of going to +Lady Marchmont." + +"And the tete-a-tete in the carriage," said Caroline. + +"Don't be so ridiculous," said Marian; "but I believe you like such +jokes so well, that you would make them out of anything." + +"I don't make a joke of it at all. I always thought it was with that +very view, he was made your guardian." + +"You very absurd persons, good night!" said Marian, shutting her door, +and laughing to herself at such a very ludicrous idea as such a scheme +on the part of her father. + +These kind of jokes, of which some people are still very fond, may be +very hurtful, since a young girl's inexperience may found far more upon +them than the laughers ever intended. Caroline and Clara were not acting +a kind part, though they were far from any unkind meaning. Marian had +great susceptibility and deep affections; and had her mind been less +strong, her happiness might have been seriously injured. Even if their +observations had no real meaning, and no effect on her heart, yet they +could not fail to occasion her many moments of embarrassment, and might +interfere with her full, free confidence in her best and earliest +friend. + +In some degree they had this result. Marian began to be aware that her +situation with Edmund was not without awkwardness,--that he was still +a young man, and that she was now a young woman; and whilst shocked +at herself, and disliking the moment that had opened the door to the +thought, was obliged to consider how far there might be truth in the +suggestion. + +She was quite sure that she had influenced him strongly, quite sure that +he regarded her with warm affection; she wished she was equally sure it +was with a brother's love. Yes, she wished, for to think otherwise would +lower him in her estimation. He was her first cousin, and if first +cousins had better not marry he would never think of it; besides, the +merit of his sacrificing all for Gerald's good would be lost, and +his return would have been an act of self-gratification instead of +self-devotion. No, she would not, could not believe any such thing; she +was certain Edmund never would be so weak as to wish to do anything only +doubtfully right, and thus, strangely enough, her full trust in the +dignity of his character, prevented her from imagining him in love with +her. + +Still she knew her cousins were watching her, and this prevented her +from ever meeting him in thorough comfort at Mr. Lyddell's; and even +when at Lord Marchmont's, her maidenly reserve had been so far awakened +as to make her shrink back from the full freedom of their former +intercourse. This, however, was more in her feeling than in her manners, +which, if they differed at all from what they were formerly, only seemed +to be what naturally arose from her growth in years. + +She observed that he was not in good spirits. It was not what others, +not even Selina, could perceive, but Edmund and Marian had known each +other too well and too long, not to read each other's faces, and know +the meaning of each other's tones. She did not expect him to be as merry +as in olden days at home, nor did she desire it; but there was more +depression about him than she thought comfortable, and she was sure that +it was an effort to him to talk in the lively way that had once been +natural to him. She was afraid he felt the separation from his friends +in his old regiment very severely, or else that he was very anxious +about Gerald, and yet she had found out that the tenderest point of all +was Fern Torr, for he either would not or could not speak of that, but +always contrived to turn the conversation as soon as it was touched +upon. She grieved over his unhappiness a great deal, and yet would not +enter on any questioning, from an innate feeling, that it would not +be becoming. He was only to stay a very short time in London, before +joining his regiment at Portsmouth, and he meant to go and spend a day +at Eton to see Gerald, but Lady Marchmont suddenly proposed that they +should all go together; she said she must inspect Eton before Master +Willie was ready to go, and that it would be a charming scheme to take +Marian and surprise Gerald. Marian had a few secret doubts whether this +was exactly the most suitable way of fulfilling Edmund's intentions, +but it was so delightful a treat that she laid aside her scruples, and +Selina coaxed her husband into finding a day to accompany them. + +So one fine June morning, the day before Edmund's departure, they set +off, Selina's high spirits and Marian's happiness giving the party a +very joyous aspect. Father Thames looked as stately and silvery as ever, +the playing fields smiled in the sunshine, and Windsor Castle looked +down on them majestically. Marian felt it a holiday to have escaped from +London into so fair a scene, and even if she had come for nothing else, +would have been happy in beholding some of the most honoured spots in +the broad realm of England. + +She had many questions to ask, but Lord Marchmont was taken up with +showing his old haunts to his wife, and she was walking some distance in +front, with Edmund, on whose face there was an expression of melancholy +thought that she would not disturb. He was an Etonian, and how fall of +remembrances must all be around him. + +Presently two or three boys met them running, and were passing them, +when Marion exclaimed, "There is Lionel!" "Lyddell!" called Edmund, and +one of them stopped, so taken by surprise that Marian was for a moment +horrified by thinking she had mistaken him; but the next glance +re-assured her, for she knew Lionel's way of standing, and his hat +pulled far over his forehead. + +"Lionel," said she, "where is Gerald?" + +"Hallo! You here!" said he, wheeling round so that the light might not +be in his eyes, and shading them with one hand while he tried to make +out Edmund, and gave his other hand to Marian. + +"How did you come here? Are any of the people at home here?" + +"No, this is my cousin Edmund. I am come with the Marchmonts." + +"You have quite forgotten me," said Edmund, shaking hands. + +"Not if I could see you," said Lionel, frowning at the light, as he +looked up. + +"O, Lionel, how bad your eyes are!" exclaimed Marion. + +"I have just been reading, and there is such a _hideous_ sunshine +to-day," said Lionel. + +"And where is Gerald?" + +"I'll go and fetch him." + +"Where is he?" + +"I'll find him," and off he ran, with a fresh pull of his hat over his +forehead to keep off the hideous sunshine. The Marchmonts came up at the +moment, and were told who he was, and that he was gone to find Gerald. +Edmund asked what was the matter with his eyes. + +"They are never very good," said Marian. "Reading and strong light +always hurt them." + +"Has he had any advice?" + +"The surgeon at Oakworthy looked at them last Christmas, when the snow +dazzled them, but he did not think there was much amiss with them. It +was always so. But where can Gerald be?" + +In the space of about five minutes, Gerald and Lionel appeared, and the +former came up to them alone, with a look which had more of shyness than +of pleasure, and his greeting, while more courteous, was less open and +cordial than Lionel's had been. They all went together to the house of +the boys' tutor, who had also been Edmund's; there was a great maze of +talking and introductions: Lady Marchmont made herself very charming to +the mistress of the house: Edmund and the tutor disappeared together, +and did not come back till the others had nearly finished a most +hospitable luncheon; after which the visitors set out to see all that +there was time to see, and Marian caused Gerald to fetch Lionel to +accompany them. + +Lionel walked with Edmund and Marian, but Gerald on the other hand +attached himself to Lord and Lady Marchmont, talking to them freely and +pleasantly, answering Selina's questions, much to her amusement and +satisfaction, and Lord Marchmont comparing notes with him, as old +Etonians delight to do with "the sprightly race, disporting" for the +time being, on the "margen green" of Father Thames. A particularly +lively, pleasant, entertaining, well-mannered boy was Gerald, but, all +the time, Marian was feeling that he was holding aloof both from her and +Edmund, never allowing either of them the opportunity of speaking to him +alone, for even a minute; and his manner, whenever Edmund either spoke +to him or looked at him, was such as to betray to her that he was ill at +ease. + +Thus it was while they viewed the chapel, the court, with what Selina +was pleased to call "Henry's holy shade," the upper school, the hundred +steps, the terrace, and beautiful S. George's, with its gorgeous banners +and carved stalls, and blazoned shields, that glimpse into the Gothic +world of chivalry and romance; and in the midst of it that simple flat +stone, which thrills the heart with a deep feeling at once of love, +sorrow and reverence; that stone which recalls the desolate night which, +in darkness and ruin, amid torn banners, and scutcheons riven, saw the +Martyr king go white to his grave. Marian entered into all these things, +in spite of her anxiety, for her mind was free enough to be open to +external objects, now that her brother was in Edmund's hands, and she +was relieved of that burthen of responsibility which had so pressed on +her. + +Such was their Eton day, and with no more satisfaction from Gerald did +they part at the Slough station. The Marchmonts were loud in his praise, +Marian sought the real opinion in Edmund's eyes, but he was leaning +back, looking meditative, and when first he roused himself to enter into +conversation, it was of Lionel and not of Gerald that he spoke. + +"Do you say that any one has looked at that boy's eyes?" + +"Yes, Mr. Wells, the Oakworthy apothecary." + +"Do you know what is thought of him?" + +"I don't know," said Marian considering. "He attends a good many people, +I believe he is thought well of; but no one ever is ill at home, so I +have no experience of him. Yes, he was called in once when we all had +the measles, and last winter about Lionel's eyes. I am sure I don't know +whether he is what you would call a good doctor or not; all I know is, +that he is not at all like Dr. Oldham." + +Edmund smiled. "Has Mrs. Lyddell not been uneasy?" + +"O no!" said Marian. "No one ever troubles their head about Lionel, +besides it was always so." + +"Always how?" + +"His eyes were always weak, and easily tired and dazzled, from the very +first when I knew him. They don't look as if there was anything amiss +with them, and so people don't suspect it." + +"I think they do look very much amiss," said Edmund. "Do not you observe +an indistinctness about the pupil, between it and the iris? Can you tell +whether that was always the case?" + +"I don't know, I see what you mean. I should say it had begun of late. +Do you think it so bad a sign?" she asked anxiously. + +"I am not sure; I only know if he belonged to me, I should not like it +at all." + +Marian pondered and feared, and considered if it would be possible +to stir up Mrs. Lyddell; she herself was much startled, and rather +indignant; but she doubted greatly whether poor Lionel was of sufficient +importance in the family for any one to be very anxious on his account. +In the meantime, she was extremely desirous of hearing what account +Edmund had received from the tutor respecting her brother, but she had +no opportunity till late in the evening, when he came and sat by her on +the sofa, saying, "Now, Marian, I will answer your anxious eyes, though +I am afraid I have nothing very satisfactory to tell you. I don't know +that there is any positive harm--it is only the old story of a clever +boy with too much money, and too much left to himself. Idleness and +thoughtlessness." + +"And what shall you do?" + +"I don't know--I must think." + +Whereupon they both sat silent. + +"I shall see you again in the summer," said he. + +"O yes--perhaps you will come in Gerald's holidays." + +Another silence, then she said, "Do you think very badly of poor +Lionel's eyes?" + +"No, I don't say that, for I know nothing, only I wonder his family are +not more anxious." + +"I shall see if Mrs. Lyddell will believe there is cause for alarm." + +The carriage was announced, she wished him good-bye again, thanked her +cousins for her pleasant day, and departed, wondering to herself how it +could have been a pleasant day, as after all it had been, in spite of +doubt and anxiety and care. + +She told Mrs. Lyddell when she came in, that she had seen Lionel. + +"How were his eyes?" asked Caroline. + +"I am afraid they were more dazzled than usual." + +No one said anything, and after a pause she went on. "Edmund remarked +a sort of indistinctness about the pupil, which he said was not a good +sign." + +"What was that?" said Mr. Lyddell looking up, and Marian, startled, yet +glad to have attracted his notice, repeated what she had said. "Did not +Wells look at his eyes last winter?" he said, turning to his wife. + +"Yes, he said he could not see anything the matter with them--they must +be spared--and he sent a mixture to bathe them. Lionel has been using it +continually." + +"How would it be to have him up here to see some one?" said Mr. Lyddell. + +"Better wait for the holidays," answered his wife. "It would be the +worst thing possible to set him thinking, about his eyes in the middle +of the half-year. Little as he does now, it would soon be less, and his +eyes have kept him back so much already that he really cannot afford to +lose any more time." + +There it ended, Mrs. Lyddell was not to be alarmed; she had been too +long used to prosperity even to contemplate the possibility that harm +should come nigh to her or to her dwelling. Mr. Lyddell, who left all +family matters to her, forgot all about it, and though Marian talked +Caroline into some fears on the subject, Caroline could do no more than +she could herself. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + "_Benedict_. What, my dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?" + + "_Beatrice_. Is it possible Disdain should die while she has such + meet food to feed her?" + + _Much Ado about Nothing._ + + +The Lyddell family did not continue in London much longer; it had been a +short season, and though the session of Parliament was not over, most +of the ladies were taking flight into the country, before the end of +June,--Mrs. Lyddell among the rest,--and her husband went backwards and +forwards to London, as occasion called him. + +The girls were glad to get into the country, but Marian soon found that +she had not escaped either from gaieties, or from the objects of her +aversion; for Mr. Faulkner brought his mother and sisters to High Down +House, gave numerous parties there, and made a constant interchange of +civilities with the family at Oakworthy. Archery was pretty much the +fashion with the young ladies that year; it was a sport which Marian +liked particularly, having often practised it with Edmund and Agnes, and +her bow and arrows were always the first to be ready. + +One day when Marian, Caroline, and Clara were shooting on the lawn at +Oakworthy, Mr. and Miss Faulkner rode from High Down, came out on the +lawn, and joined them. From that moment, any one could see the change +that came over Marian. Instead of laughing and talking, teaching Clara, +and paying only half attention to her own shooting, she now went on as +if it was her sole object, and as if she had no other purpose in life. +She fixed her arrows and twanged her string with a rigidity as if the +target had been a deadly enemy, or her whole fate was concentrated in +hitting the bull's eye; and when her arrows went straight to the mark, +or at least much straighter than those of any one else, she never +turned her head, or vouchsafed more than the briefest answer to the +exclamations around. + +The others were talking of archery in general and in particular,--just +what, if it had not been Mr. Faulkner, would have delighted her; but +she would not hear him. He might speak of the English long-bow, and +the cloth yard-shaft, and the butts at which Elizabeth shot, and the +dexterity required for hitting a deer, and of the long arrow of the +Indian, and the Wourali reed of South America,--as long as he spoke it +was nothing to her, let Caroline smile and answer, and appeal to her as +much she would. Then came a talk about archery meetings and parties, in +which at last they all grew so eager, that they stood still round the +return target, and Marian could not shoot back again without perilling +them; so she unstrung her bow, and stood apart with a stern face, which +made her look a great deal more like Diana, than she by any means +suspected or desired. + +Two days after, there came a note from Miss Faulkner,--Julia, as she had +requested to be called,--saying that her brother was so delighted with +the archery schemes that had been discussed, that he could not give them +up, and intended to give a grand fete at High Down,--archery in the +morning, a ball in the evening, and all the ladies who liked, to be in +costume. She ended by begging Caroline to come to luncheon that day, or +the next, to enter into council on the subject. There was great delight; +such an entertainment was quite a novelty in the neighbourhood, and the +costume seemed to make it all the more charming in the eyes of Caroline, +Clara, and their mother; all were talking at once, and wondering what it +could or should be, while Marian went on reading imperturbably without +one remark. + +"It ought to be in Robin Hood's time, if only for the sake of Maid +Marian," said Caroline. "She will be quite sure to win the prize." + +"O yes, that she will," said Clara; "she shoots so much better than any +one else." + +"I shall not shoot in public," said Marian, looking up for a moment, and +then going on with her book. + +"You will do nothing to make yourself particular," said Mrs. Lyddell: +"it will be very silly to set your face against this fete, when every +one knows how fond you are of archery." + +"We don't know anything yet about what is to be," said Caroline, +quickly; and at that moment Elliot, coming in, offered to ride with her +to High Down, whereupon she hastened to get ready. Such an obliging +offer from her brother was certainly too uncommon a thing to be +neglected, in spite of the unwonted graciousness and amiability which +Elliot had for the last few weeks assumed towards her. + +When she was gone, Marian and Clara resumed their ordinary occupations, +and one of them at least troubled herself no more about the fete, until, +shortly before dinner time, Elliot, Caroline, and Mr. Faulkner all rode +up to the front door. Mr. Faulkner, it appeared, was come to dinner, and +to carry on the consultation, since he was extremely eager about the +scheme, and no time was to be lost in sending out the invitations. +The Sherwood Forest plan had been talked over, and abandoned as too +common-place. It was to be a Kenilworth fete; eight young ladies of Lady +Julia's especial party were to appear in the morning in a pretty uniform +dress, a little subdued from the days of the ruff and farthingale; and +in the evening there was to be a regular Kenilworth quadrille, in which +each lady or gentleman was to assume the dress of some character of +Queen Elizabeth's court. In fact, as Mr. Faulkner said;-- + + "Gorgeous dames and statesmen bold + In bearded majesty appear." + +Amy Robsart, Katherine Seymour, Anne Clifford, Frances Walsingham, +Mildred Cecil, and other ladies of the time were mentioned, and then +came the counting up of their eight living representatives,--the two +Misses Faulkner, Caroline, yes, and Clara herself, who started and +danced with ecstasy, then glanced entreatingly at her mother, who looked +doubtful; Marian, two cousins of the Faulkners, who were always ready +for anything, and a Miss Mordaunt, were reckoned up, and their dresses +quickly discussed; but all the time Marian said not a word. She was +thinking of the waste of time and consideration, the folly, levity +and vanity, the throwing away of money, all this would occasion, and +enjoying in her own mind the pleasure of resisting it _in toto_. She +supposed she must go to the archery meeting, though why people could +not be contented to shoot on their own lawns, instead of spoiling their +pleasure by all this fuss, she could not guess; but make a show of +herself and her shooting, be stared at by all the world,--that she would +never do. Nor would she make a figure of herself at the ball, and spend +the money which she wanted very much for her poor people and her +books, now that her court dress and London finery had eaten up such an +unconscionable share of her allowance. Increased as it was, she had +never felt so poor as at present; she wanted Mrs. Jameson's "Sacred and +Legendary Art" for herself, and there were all the presents to be sent +to the old people at Fern Torr; and should these be given up for the +sake of appearing as the fair Anne Clifford, or some such person, for +one evening, during which she would be feeling most especially unnatural +and uncomfortable? No indeed! and she trusted that she had a very good +and sufficient defence against all such foolery, in the slight mourning +which she was wearing for one of the Marchmont connection. True, she had +thought of leaving it off next Sunday, but no matter; it would be such +armour as was not to be lightly parted with; and if she went to the ball +at all, it should never, never be as the heiress of the Cliffords, but +as the faithful mourning relation of old Mr. Thomas Marchmont, her +second cousin once removed, whom she had never beheld in her life, and +who would have been dead at least nine weeks by the time it took place. + +She said nothing about it in the drawing-room; but when they went up +stairs, she told Caroline not to reckon upon her, for she should be in +mourning, and could not wear a fancy dress. Caroline looked much vexed. +"It was a great pity," she said, "and Julia Faulkner wished it to be +all their own set. Besides, would not Marian shoot,--she who did it so +well?" + +"O, no, no, I could do no such thing with all those people staring." + +"Not even for a silver arrow? You would be sure to win it." + +"I should be ashamed of the very sight of it ever after. O no! I should +like--at least I should not mind seeing it all as a spectator, but as to +making a part of the show, never, never, Caroline!" + +"Well, I know it is of no use to try to persuade you!" said Caroline, +with a little annoyance in her tone. "Good night." + +Lady Julia, with her son and daughter, came to call the next day. Marian +thought herself fortunate in not being in the drawing-room. She put on +her bonnet, slipped out at the garden door, and walked away with a book +in her hand, to the remotest regions of the park, where she sat down +under a thorn-tree, and read Schiller's Thirty Years' War with a sort of +exemplary diligence and philosophy, till it was so late that she thought +herself perfectly secure of the Faulkners' being gone. Yet she only just +missed them, for their carriage was driving off at one door, as she +reached the other. + +"Where have you been, Marian?" was the first greeting. + +"I have been walking to the old thorn." + +"O, have you? We hunted for you everywhere in the house: we would hardly +believe Fanny when she said you were gone out, for I knew you meant to +walk with us." + +"I thought you would be engaged so long that it was not worth while to +wait for you." + +"Well, but did you know you had missed the Faulkners?" said Clara. + +"I knew they were here." + +Every one understood this except Clara, and very little did it please +Mrs. Lyddell or Caroline. + +"Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, "you really must not be so absurd about +this matter. Your mourning is nothing. You need not be wearing it even +now; and it will annoy Lady Julia, and put her to serious inconvenience, +if you continue to refuse." + +"I am sure I do not wish to inconvenience her," said Marian; "but there +must be many young ladies who would be only too happy to take the part." + +"Of course," said Mrs. Lyddell, "any one else would rejoice to be asked; +but the point is, that it is so unpleasant to admit any thing of a +stranger into the intimacy these things occasion." + +"I am almost a stranger to them." + +"Yes, but not to us, Marian," said Clara. "You have known them as long, +or longer than we have; and you would look so very well. Lady Julia said +herself that such a distinguished face and figure as yours would set the +whole thing off to advantage." + +Caroline well knew this was but the way to make Marian still more +determined against it. She held her tongue through all the persuasions +of her mother and Clara; and trusting a little, but not much, to the +superior influence which she knew herself to possess, she followed +Marian to her room, and began,--"Marian, are you still resolute against +this unfortunate archery? because, if you do not really think it a +matter of right and wrong, I should be very much obliged to you if you +would only yield." + +It was not so easy to withstand Caroline speaking in this way, as Mrs. +Lyddell almost scolding and Clara talking nonsense; but Marian had made +up her mind, and would not let herself be shaken. "I don't think I can," +was her answer. + +"Will you say whether you really think it wrong?" + +"I don't know." Not her considering "I don't know," but the dry, +provoking end-of-the-matter answer of half sullen days gone by. + +"If you really thought it positively wrong," proceeded Caroline, "not +another word would I say: but I don't see how you can without condemning +all gaeties, and that I know you do not." + +"I only think it a--a waste of time--a great deal of nonsense," said +Marian, faltering for an answer; "and really I have spent so much money; +I do not like to throw away any more." + +"O, you do not know how we have settled that," said Caroline, beginning +to be hopeful now that she had something tangible to attack. "The +dresses for the morning will be nothing,--only a white skirt and green +polka, which will do to wear for ever after, and a little ruff, very +pretty, and no expense at all; and a little alteration will make our +court dresses perfectly suitable for Queen Elizabeth's ladies. You need +not be at all afraid of being ruined." + +Marian saw that, though there would be many a little expense to make a +mickle one, yet it would still only cost her Mrs. Jameson, instead of +the gifts to the poor people; but as this was what chiefly justified +her in her own eyes, she would not admit the conviction, and answered, +"Those things that are altered and adapted really are as costly in the +end as if they were new altogether. Besides, I could not, I really could +not shoot before such an assembly." + +"I should so like to see you get the arrow." + +"O Caroline, that would be worse than anything!" + +"Well, then, don't get it; shoot as badly as you please: only do be kind +and make one of us, or you will spoil the whole concern." + +"How can that be? What difference can my dressing up or shooting make to +any one?" + +"Why, for one thing, if you are not one, as you must be, living with us +and all, Julia will be obliged to ask that Miss Grimley; don't you know +her?" + +"What, that old young lady who has been figuring in the newspaper so +long as getting all the archery prizes?" + +"Yes, the veteran archer, as Elliot calls her; and Mr. Faulkner says, if +she appears in character at all, it must be as Queen Elizabeth herself +dancing a stately pavise to the sound of the little fiddle. She is some +connection of theirs, and must be asked, if you will not take it; and +she is almost as bad as Queen Elizabeth herself, and will give none of +us any peace about the dresses, O Marian! Julia said she should esteem +it as a real kindness from you if you would be Lady Anne, if only for +the sake of keeping her out!" + +"I think it would be very absurd for a person who hates the whole +concern to be dragged in, for the sake of keeping out one who likes it!" + +"Then you are still resolved? Well, I had not much expectation, but +still I was half inclined to hope you would relent, if you did not think +it a point of principle, when you knew that it would be a real favor to +me." + +"To you, Caroline! you do not care for such trumpery." + +"I do care about seeing my friends mortified and vexed," said Caroline, +mournfully. + +"Your friends!" exclaimed Marian, in a voice of contempt. + +"Yes, as much as kindness can make them." + +"And esteem? O Caroline!" + +"Kindness--readiness to oblige," repeated Caroline. + +"They are my friends, and I am very fond of them." + +Caroline went away without another word, and Marian felt that her words +implied that she preferred readiness to oblige, to rigid, unbending +superiority in goodness. Marian felt it, and was disappointed in +Caroline, and pleased to have kept her determination, without asking +herself how far it was satisfied pride in obstinacy. + +This was the last time for many weeks that Caroline lingered talking +in Marian's room. The old chill had come on again. Both knew, though +neither said so, that it was not so much because it was a display and +expense that Marian refused, as because it was the Faulkners' party. If +it had been Lady Marchmont's, it would have been very different. Now +Caroline liked the Faulkners; they were all good natured, and much more +agreeable than any others in the neighbourhood--than any, indeed, with +whom she had yet been brought into close intercourse. She thought Marian +was unjust and ungracious, both to them and to her; that she had been +prejudiced from the first, and now was very decidedly making herself +disagreeable by a rigidity in trifles, which was almost positive +unkindness. Caroline's home, as has been shown, was neither a very +happy, nor a very satisfactory one; so that of late she had learnt to +look upon her brother Walter and Marian as her chief comforts, and was +now much more hurt and disappointed at Marian's conduct than she was +willing to show. It was particularly unfortunate just at this time, when +there was so much to invite and gratify her at High Down, when she was +in especial need of a true and affectionate friend and counsellor, and +when Walter was absent, being engaged in preparing for his ordination, +which was to take place in the course of the autumn. + +Mrs. Lyddell was much displeased with Marian, and showed it by her +coldness and formality; and Marian began to live more alone with +herself, and at war with the outer world, than she had done even before +Edmund's first visit five years ago. Caroline and Clara were a great +deal with the Faulkners, either at High Down or at home. Clara was in a +perfect transport at being admitted into the number of the archeresses, +and had struck up one of her eternal friendships with Louisa, the second +Miss Faulkner; and Marian might very fairly be provoked at seeing how +entirely her mind was diverted from all the rationality which she and +Caroline had been endeavouring--and as they had hoped, not without +success--to infuse into her during the past year. To get Clara to +settle quietly down to anything was an utter impossibility; her wisest +employment was the study of Elizabethan costumes, her most earnest, the +practice of archery. Now Marian always maintained that archery, on their +own lawn, and among themselves, was a very pretty sport; and for the +sake of consistency with her own principles, she very diligently shot +whenever the Faulkners were not there, and did her very best, by precept +and example, to make Clara fit her arrows to the string in her own +direct and purpose-like way, draw the bow-string to her ear with a +steady effort and aim, instead of a fitful jerk or twitch; and in fact +shoot, if she was to shoot, like a sensible woman, who really intended +damage to the target. Clara was very much obliged, and made some +progress; but Marian thus did herself little good with any one else, +for her love of the sport, and her excellence at it, made her spirit of +disdain all the more marked. Clara, was again, as in former times, her +chief friend in the family; for Marian, after the first vexation, held +her sense too cheap to blame her for her folly. It was the fault of the +others that she had been put in the way of what could not fail to turn +her head; so she listened, without showing many tokens of contempt, +to her endless histories of dear Louisa, and all the plans at High +Down,--of the witticisms that were perpetrated, the anticipations of +amusement and admiration, and of the tracasseries which Miss Grimley had +not failed to occasion. Marian was often entertained, and Clara more +than once hoped she was on the point of regretting that she was not one +of the favoured eight; but nothing could be further from Marian's mind. +She did not intend to absent herself either from the archery or from the +ball, but she must wear her own character, and no other; and people +were allowed to assume fancy dresses or not, just as suited their +inclination, so that she was in no fear of rendering herself remarkable. + +Caroline and Clara were to go to High Down two days before the great +occasion, and stay till the day after; Marian to remain at Oakworthy. +Just before they went, Clara danced into her room, saying, "Marian, do +you know some of the officers at Portsmouth have been asked to the ball? +You know there is a railroad all the way. I wonder if Mr. Arundel will +be there?" + +"Decidedly not," replied Marian. + +"What, not when he knows what an attraction there will be?" + +"Don't talk such nonsense, Clara; the idea of thinking a man would take +such a journey for a ball! Well, I hope you will be very happy." + +"O do come and see my dress, Marian, before it is packed up; it is on +mamma's bed, and it is so beautiful!" + +Marian came, and admired. Caroline was to be Amy Robsart, and Clara, +Janet Foster; a part her mother had chosen for her, as more appropriate +to a girl not yet come out. Certainly, Tony Foster would scarcely have +recognized his demure little Puritan under the little lace hood, +the purple bodice, and white skirt, at which Clara looked with such +exultation; and Janet was further to be supposed to have taken +possession of the Countess's orient neck-pearls, and was to wear them as +the only ornament that could with any propriety be bestowed on her. It +happened that Marian had a remarkably fine set of pearls. She had few +jewels of any kind; but these had been her grandmother's, and there +was some tradition belonging to them which no one ever could remember. +Janet's necklace was so much less pretty, that Marian could not help +exclaiming that Clara had better wear hers. Clara demurred, for she knew +Marian relied on these pearls to help out a dress which had seen more +than one London party; but it ended in Marian's having her own way, and +being contemptuous at the gratitude with which her loan was received. +Yet she was surprised to find that it was a relief to her that Mrs. +Lyddell departed a little from her cold politeness, and showed herself +really pleased and obliged. + +Certainly, if Mrs. Lyddell had not in some degree relaxed, those two +days would have been very forlorn. As it was, it was very odd to sit +down to dinner with only Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot, and to have no +one but Mrs. Lyddell to speak to in the drawing-room. She was glad when +the day came, to have it over; and she was not sufficiently hard-hearted +to regret that it was as fine as could be wished. To High Down they +went, and everything was just as Marian had expected,--every one walked +about and idled, and wondered when the shooting would begin; and when +it did begin, no one paid much attention to it except those who were +interested in some of the competitors. Marian watched her pupil +anxiously, and Clara, between excitement and nervousness, shot much +worse than if she had been in the garden at home, and went so wide of +the mark, that Marian was ashamed of her. Caroline did better, but not +well; and the prize was of course borne off by Miss Grimley, who was +popularly reported to have arrows enough to stock the quivers of two or +three cupids. + +Clara ran up to Marian, and walked with her a little while; telling her +all that had come to pass during the last two days,--a great deal of +bustle, and merriment, and nonsense, which Clara seemed to have enjoyed +excessively, and of which Marian could have said, "Every one to his +taste." Of Caroline she saw little or nothing; and after wandering +about in the rear of Mrs. Lyddell, and exchanging a great many cold +salutations, and colder sentences of small-talk, she was very glad to +find herself once more in the carriage, though it was only to go home, +dine and dress for the ball, and then High Down again. + +She wore white, with jet ornaments, and a row of pearls round her +hair,--the only thing that saved her from being rather shabbily dressed +than otherwise. However, Mrs. Lyddell had long since announced that she +had done saying anything about Marian's dress, and Fanny had not been a +ladies' maid long enough to grow into a tyrant; so that she had her own +way, and no one repeated to her, what she knew full well, that her white +silk was yellow where it swept the ground, and the lace did not stand +out as freshly as once it did. + +Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot talked and laughed all the way, quizzing the +company very sociably, and both appearing in the highest spirits. Mr. +Lyddell was asleep in his corner; Marian with her forehead against the +window, and her thoughts with Gerald. They reached High Down in the +midst of a stream of carriages; and Marian, in her plain white, had to +walk into the ball-room with Elliot, who had completed his offences in +her eyes, by daring to assume the dress of Sir Philip Sidney. She soon, +however, was free of him, for he liked her as little as she liked him, +and moreover had to go and perform his part in the noted Kenilworth +quadrille. Marian was left standing by Mrs. Lyddell, as she usually did, +through the greater part of a ball; for as she never waltzed, there +were few dances in which she could take a part. She had made half the +Oakworthy neighbours afraid of her; and Mrs. Lyddell, having found that +all activity in the way of being a useful chaperon was thrown away, had +acquiesced in leaving her to herself, "doing her justice" sufficient by +taking her to the ball. + +Marian was entertained by the pageant, as she deemed it. It was a very +pretty scene, with so many gay dresses, in the bright light; and it was +amusing to recognise her acquaintances in the wonderful costumes some +of them had seen fit to assume. She would have liked some one to +laugh with, at a shepherdess dancing, crook and all; and she highly +appreciated a good-natured old gentleman, who was willing to do +anything, however absurd, that could please his friends, and had come +out as my grave Lord Keeper himself, with + + "His bushy beard and shoe-strings green, + His high-crowned hat and satin-doublet." + +Caroline looked more like a beauty than she had ever seen her before. +Her fair ringlets and white neck had a peculiar elegance, set off by the +delicate fan-like ruff, and graceful head-gear of the Countess Amy. The +only fault that Marian could find was, that poor Amy never could have +looked as if she had so much mind as Caroline's countenance expressed. +As to her partner, Marian did not behold him with very different +feelings, from those with which she would have regarded the real Earl +of Leicester, could she have had one peep at the actual pageant of +Kenilworth, with its outward pomp, masking the breaking hearts beneath. +Thereupon she fell deep into musings on "Kenilworth," which she had read +at home, when, so young and unlearned in novels as not to have a guess +at what would happen, when it was all a wonder and fairy-land of +delight, and when poor Tressilian's name of Edmund had been his first +charm in her eyes, even before she loved him for his deep character and +melancholy fate. She thought how unlike all this common-place world was +to the world it aped--how far these Raleighs and Sidneys were from being +worthy to usurp the name even for one evening! and as to Tressilian, how +impossible to see any face here that would even shadow her idea of him! +And yet she did not know; she might have to change her mind. There +actually was a countenance handsome, thoughtful, almost melancholy +enough for Tressilian himself, with the deep dark eyes, pale, clear, +sun-burnt, brown complexion, and jetty hair that befitted her hero; a +short beard and dark dress would have completed him, but she almost +thought it a pity that such a face should appear above a scarlet coat +and gold epaulettes. + +However, Tressilian had been moving towards the end of the room where +she was standing, and was coming so near that she could not study him +after the first; so she turned to speak to Miss Faulkner, who had +finished her quadrille, and just as a polka was commencing, she was +surprised by finding Tressilian himself standing by her, and asking to +have the honour of dancing with her. + +"Thank you, I don't dance the Polka," she replied; and as she spoke +quick flashes of thought crossed her thus--"I have not been introduced +to him--I have met him before--how horrid of Tressilian's face to talk +of polkas--ha! it is Edmund!" + +Edmund Arundel's eye it was that was glancing at her with a look of +great amusement at her bewilderment. + +"The next quadrille," he proceeded, in the same ceremonious voice. + +"O Edmund, Edmund, I did not know you in the least! Who would have +thought of seeing you here?" + +"Why not? Did you not know we were asked?" + +"Asked? yes; but who would have come who could have helped it?" + +"I wanted particularly to see you." Then, after speaking to Mrs. +Lyddell, he turned to her again, and resumed, "But am I not to have the +pleasure of dancing the next quadrille with you?" + +"If it is any pleasure to you, I am sure you are very welcome." + +"In the mean time, what is the meaning of your not being amongst the +performers? You used to be a capital shot." + +"I? O, of course I could not shoot before all the world." + +"Well, I was in hopes my pupil had been doing me credit; so much so, +that I tried very hard to make that lady with the silver arrow into +you, and--" as Marian looked at Miss Grimley's thin, freckled face, and +reddish, sandy locks, and could not help smiling, he continued, "when +that would not quite do, I went on trying to turn each maid of honour +into you, till, just as I gave you up, I saw young Dashwood fixed in +contemplation; and well he might be, for there was something so majestic +as could be nothing but Zenobia, Queen of the East, or Miss Arundel +herself." + +"Majestic! nonsense! nothing can feel less majestic." + +"Then decidedly you are not what you seem." + +"I was trying all the time to make you into Tressilian, only your red +coat was in the way. You know I never saw you in it before." + +"And so you have given up archery?" + +"O, no! I shoot at home; only I cannot make a spectacle of myself,--I +hate the whole thing so much." + +"And you would not wear a fancy dress?" + +"You see I am in mourning." + +"Why, who is dead?" + +"Don't you know? Old Mr. Thomas Marchmont." + +"Yes, and his great-grandfather likewise! Well, you certainly are +inclined to make the most of your connection with the peerage," + +"Edmund!" and for the first time Marian felt as if she had been making +herself more foolish than magnanimous. He gave his arm and they walked +along together. He presently began abruptly, "What I came here for was +to consult you about a plan for Gerald. You see I shall never get at him +unless I have him alone. Now I don't like to take him away from you for +the holidays, but I do not see how it is to be managed otherwise." + +"I don't do him any good now," said Marian sadly. + +"What I thought of was this; I find I can get leave for two months this +summer. Now suppose I was to take him to Marchmont's grouse shooting +place in Scotland, and about among the Highlands and Islands. Perhaps +the pleasure of that excursion would make up for the being carried off +by an awful guardian, and those scrambles might bring him to the old +footing with me." + +"O it would be very nice to have him with you," said Marian; "but----" + +"Well, what is the but?" + +"I don't know, only would not taking him home be more likely to revive +old associations than anything else?" + +"No," answered Edmund most decidedly; then in a more hesitating manner, +as if casting about for reasons, he added, "I mean he was at home last +year--it would not appear so inviting as this expedition--it would be +giving every one a great deal of trouble." + +"To have the Manor House set to rights--yes--but just a week at the +Parsonage--just to revive the old feelings with you. For you to teach +him how to behave to the Fern Torr people." + +"No," repeated Edmund, "it would not do." + +He spoke in a manner that made Marian look up in his face with surprise, +and exclaim as if hurt, "Then you are really casting off poor old Fern +Torr." + +The next moment she was sorry she had said so, for his namesake in +"Kenilworth" could never have worn a more melancholy aspect than he, as +he answered in a very low voice of deep feeling, "I am the last man in +the world to be reproached with too little affection for Fern Torr." + +Marian was grieved, surprised, confused, but she had no time to find an +answer, for the quadrille was forming, Edmund began a search for _vis a +vis_, and she found herself dancing before she had made up her mind what +she should have said if she could have replied at once; but it was too +late to return to the subject, and she thought it best to begin entirely +another, by asking, the next time they were standing still, how he liked +the officers of his new regiment. + +"Very much, most of them," replied Edmund; "one or two are particularly +nice people." + +"Do you like any as well as Captain Gresham or--" + +"New friends are not old ones," quickly answered Edmund. + +"O no, but if you knew them as well, are there any equally worthy to be +liked? I want you to be comfortable there very much, as it is all our +fault." + +"Don't say any more of that, Marian. Thank you, I am very +comfortable--they are a very pleasant set." + +"Are there any of them here?" + +"Yes, three of them." + +_L'Ete_ cut short his speech, and when they paused again he began, "I +mean you to dance with Dashwood--there that rosy tall boy standing +partnerless behind the lady in a Swiss fly-away cap." + +"O I see," said Marian. + +"Yes, and don't be high and mighty with him." + +"High and mighty, when I am only shy." + +"Effects are seen, causes are not equally on the surface." + +"O Edmund!" + +"Well, he is a very nice right-minded boy, very shy himself; so don't +be grand, for I have a great regard for him, and I want him to have a +pleasant evening." + +Marian was considerably frightened by being told to be agreeable, the +thing which of all others she thought the most difficult; but she would +attempt anything for the sake of obliging Edmund, and making no answer, +consoled herself with thinking how far off the next quadrille was. In +the mean time, whilst she danced in the most business-like and least +pleasure-like way possible, she was pondering on what she had to say on +her own account to her cousin, and when the quadrille was over and he +took her to the supper room in quest of ices, she eagerly began, "Then +you think me wrong about my fancy dress?" + +"Shall I give your own favourite reply?" + +"Don't you think it a good thing to avoid all this folly and expense?" + +"And to prove Miss Arundel's lofty contempt for finery and foolery?" + +"I do not want to set myself up, but how am I to help thinking all this +nonsense?" + +"A hard question, since no one attempts to say it is far otherwise; but +after all, everything in this world is nonsense, except as a means of +doing right or wrong." + +"And you do not think I made this nonsense a means of doing right?" + +"If it had been any body else, I should have admired, but I do not trust +_you_. However I know nothing about it, I cannot judge of the amount of +sacrifice. Cream ice or water ice?" + +They could not converse any more just then, and in the next polka, +Clara, who not being come out, was not well off for partners, was +extremely honoured and delighted by being asked to dance by Mr. Arundel. +When the turn of a quadrille came round again, Edmund, as good as his +word, introduced to Marian his youthful ensign, and she, dreadfully +afraid of not obeying Edmund by being agreeable to his friend, set +herself to talk with all her might; told him what some of the costumes +were intended to represent, speculated as to the others, found him +very pleasant, and ended by making him consider his friend's cousin as +delightful as she was handsome, and he had been very much impressed with +her countenance. She saw Edmund was well pleased to see him looking +animated and gratified, and the consequence was that she had to dance +with another of his brother officers, and after all it had not been by +any means such hard work to be amiable as she was apt to imagine. At any +rate she never liked a ball so well, but then she had never met Edmund +at any other, which might account for it. After the last quadrille, Mrs. +Lyddell summoned her to come home, they took their leave of Caroline and +Clara, whom Mrs. Lyddell promised to fetch to-morrow: Lady Julia was +particularly full of empressement and affection, delighted that dear +Caroline had been looking so lovely. She even came out with them to the +cloak-room, where her son was assiduous in shawling Mrs. Lyddell, and +all manner of civilities seemed to be passing among them in a low voice, +while Edmund having disengaged Marian's shawl from the surrounding +drapery, said, as he put it round her, "Then it is settled that I take +Gerald and try to do for the best?" + +"O if you are so kind--" + +"Don's trust too much to it. I will try, which is all I can do." + +"No one can do him any good if you cannot." + +"Hush! And I must thank you for taking my scolding in such good part." + +"I deserved it." + +"I have since been thinking you are probably right. I am sure you are +in the principle of the thing. It was the particular application that +startled me." + +Mrs. Lyddell moved on, the carriage was at the door, they were all in +it, Elliot of course last, and as he threw himself back in his corner +and the door was shut, he exclaimed in a satisfied tone, "Well! he is +coming it pretty strong!" Who was coming what? thought Marian, but her +suspense did not last long, for Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both chimed in +with exclamations of satisfaction which left no doubt that they were +delighting themselves in the prospect of seeing Caroline mistress of +High Down. Marian had been in some slight degree prepared for this, she +knew Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell would highly approve, nay, consider such a +marriage as fulfilling their highest expectations, such an establishment +as all that could be wished; and depending as she did on Caroline's +principle and right feeling, she was sorry to think how much vexation +and worrying was in store for her. As she sat disregarded and forgotten +through that long dark drive, hearing all the eager gratulations and +anticipations of her three companions, regarding a marriage which she +could not think of without a sort of horror, how did she despise them, +feel imprisoned, and long to make her escape. She had not the least +doubt as to what Caroline would do; her rejection of such a man was a +matter of certainty; but Marian was vexed with her for having allowed +herself to become so intimate with the Faulkners, and thought she had +brought on herself all the annoyances that would follow. + +Tired, irritated, excited, Marian was very glad to escape from the +carriage, wish the rest good night, and run up to her own room. She sat +before her glass, slowly brushing out her long dark hair, and trying +to bring home her feverish thoughts, and dwell on what had passed, +especially with Edmund, on whom she had not yet had time to think, and +of all those hints of his, as to her behaviour in this matter. Had he +approved it or not? or would he if he had known all the circumstances? +There was something that struck her a good deal in his saying "I cannot +judge of the amount of sacrifice." Had it been a sacrifice to wear a +plain dress, to abstain from archery? It would have been, to Clara, but +was it to her? and as she looked at the two grey volumes, with their +store of pretty engravings and pleasant reading which lay on her table, +and thought that they were her own for life, and that Anne Clifford's +dress would now be laid aside and useless for ever after the archery +prize, if she had won it, would be worthless, and the admiration, +had she valued it, passed from her ears, she could not feel, for one +instant, that it had been a sacrifice. Then again came his words, "every +thing in this world is nonsense, except as a means of doing right or +wrong." Yes, pretty books, pleasant pictures, taste and intellect were +in themselves as little precious as dress and finery, things as fleeting +when compared with eternity, except so far as they trained the soul +and the higher faculties which _might_ endure for ever. She thought of +"Whether there he prophecies, they shall fail, whether there be tongues, +they shall cease, whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away." +All was a shadow except that charity which never faileth, a beautiful +picture, even as a costly dress! the way we treat these things alone +enduring. Her head throbbed as she tried to be certain as to whether she +had acted right. If the dress had required the money set apart for the +poor she would have been perfectly clear about it, but she knew it +need not have done so. Would her vanity have been gratified? Decidedly +not--admiration of her face was so distasteful to her proud shrinking +bashfulness, that she felt it like an insult when reported to her, and +could almost have wished not to be so handsome, if it had not been more +agreeable to an artist-like eye to see a tolerable physiognomy in the +glass, when obliged to look there, and besides she would not but be like +the Arundels, and was well satisfied with the consciousness of having +their features, as indeed she would have been if their noses had been +turned up and their "foreheads villainous low." If _her_ vanity was +gratified, it was by standing apart from, and being able to look down on +the rest of the world; and as Marian became conscious of this, her mind +turned from it with the vexation of spirit, the disgust and sensation of +dislike, and willingness to forget all about it, that every one is apt +to feel with regard to a vanity passed away--something analogous to the +contempt and dislike with which we turn from the withered shreds of +tangible vanity, faded and crumpled artificial flowers, and tumbled +gauze ribbon when disinterred from some dusty and forgotten corner. No +feeling is much more unpleasant than the loathing of an old vanity; and +though this of Marian's was not yet old, yet that touch of Edmund's +which had shown her how he regarded her "high-and-mightiness," had made +her very much ashamed of it. Then came the question whether it was, +after all, self-will that had actuated her, pride and self-will, leading +her contrary to every one's wishes, where she was not sure that she was +fulfilling a duty. Again, on the other hand, there was this point about +the Faulkner family, her dislike to them was founded on principle; +indeed it was not dislike, for she allowed their agreeableness of +manner, it was disapproval; it was determination not to enter into +anything approaching to intimate acquaintance with a man whom she +believed to be little better than an infidel. If Edmund knew this, would +not he think her right? But then to be consistent, she should not have +accepted his hospitality in any degree; she ought not to have gone to +the ball, nor ever to have dined at his house. How far was she called on +to set her face against him, how far was she independent, how far was +obedience to the Lyddells a duty? This must be for a question for Edmund +another time, and she hoped that Caroline's refusal would put an end +to the intercourse. Nor were these all her reflections. She thought of +Edmund and his kindness to Gerald, and the hopes, nay the confidence +which it revived in her, setting her mind fully at rest about her +precious brother, for in spite of Edmund's despondency, she could not +help trusting entirely to the renewal of his influence; for who was +like Edmund? Who so entirely treated, as well as spoke of, the world as +nothing except as a means of doing right or wrong? + +But then that he should be out of spirits, as she had more plainly than +ever perceived to-night, in spite of the gaiety he had at first assumed, +his manner of replying when she pressed him to go to Fern Torr, and his +absolute avoidance of it, struck and puzzled her much as well as grieved +her. She knew his loneliness, and could understand that he might be +melancholy, but why he should shrink from the home he so loved was +beyond what she could fathom. + +She knew Clara would laugh at her for his having come so many miles on +her account. Yes, quite sure that it was nonsense. Edmund had talked +of coming to see her, so openly, he had laughed at and blamed her so +uncompromisingly, that she had no doubt that he had not the least +inclination to fall in love with her. She had the best of elder brothers +in him, and he would take care of Gerald, and, happy in her confidence +she fell asleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + "What is that which I should turn to, lighting upon days like these? + Every door is barr'd with gold and opens but to golden keys. + * * * * * + "Yearning for the large excitement that the coming years would yield, + Eager hearted as a boy when he first leaves his father's field." + + TENNYSON. + + +Marian was not up much later than usual the next morning, but she had +a long time to wait for the rest of the party. She read, wrote, drew, +tried to busy herself as usual all the morning, but whether it was that +she was tired with her ball, or that she was anxious about Caroline, +she did not prosper very much, and grew restless and dissatisfied. She +wished she knew whether she had done right, she wished she could feel +that she had been kind and accommodating. + +Her head was dull and heavy from the struggle to occupy herself when her +mind was full, and after luncheon she tried to drive her stupidity away +by a very long ride. Groom and horses were always at her service, as a +part of Mrs. Lyddell's justice to her, and off she set, in search of +breezes, to the highest and furthest downs, by her attainable. On she +went, cantering fast, feeling her power over her spirited pony, letting +the summer sun shine full on her face, and the wind, when she had ridden +where she could meet it, stream in a soft ripple round her head, like +the waves of the summer tide. She rode far enough to attain the object +she had proposed to herself, namely, to look down on Salisbury spire, +pointing up in its green valley with the fresh meadows around it, giving +a sense of refreshment, repose and holy influence, which her eye carried +to her mind. Good men had raised that pile, had knelt there, sung +in praise there, and now lay asleep within its grey walls and shady +cloisters; men and women who had been to the full as much wearied and +perplexed with sin and worldliness around them as she could ever feel; +they had struggled through, their worn and fainting hearts had rested +there, and now their time of peace was come. Why should it not be so +with her? + +Ah! but things were changed; in their time there was energy; there were +great crimes indeed, but the Church was active. The bad was very bad, +but the good was very good, there were real broad questions then of +right and wrong, not the coldness and frivolity, where all was so +worthless that there was scarce a possibility of caring or seeing which +part was the right. + +No, Marian would not accuse the time in which she was born, and the +station to which it had pleased God to call her. Mr. Wortley had warned +her against that. She had a Church, the one true holy Catholic Church, +as surely and truly, nay, the very same that those men of old had, and +was as much bound to love it, serve it, fight for it in her own way, as +ever they had felt themselves. Life, truth, goodness, there was still, +she saw it, knew it, felt it in some; and though there was little of it +in her immediate home, so little as to make her heart faint, she knew +that + + "Israel yet has thousands sealed + Who to Baal never kneeled." + +If there was this frivolity, this deadness and chilliness about these +present days, she knew it was a temptation long since prophesied of, as +about to grow on the world "when, the love of many should wax cold," but +the help and the hope were never to fail, and while she might but grasp +after them, she had enough to do, and need not feel faint and weary. + +Her ride had done her good, her sensation of bodily lassitude and mental +stupidity had been driven off by the active exercise which had produced +a more wholesome kind of fatigue, and the temper which tended to +discontent had partly gone with them, partly been chased away by +reflection in a right spirit. As she was entering the park, Elliot, also +on horseback, came up in time to profit by the same opening of the gate. + +"Are you but just come home, Marian?" said he, "I thought I was very +late." + +"I don't know what o'clock it is, but I see the sun is getting low." + +"Have not you been at High Down?" + +"No, I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"To Beacon Hill! That _is_ a ride! And you have not seen any of them +since they came home?" + +"No, I have been out all the afternoon." + +"Well, I have a notion you will have something to hear. I dare say you +have some idea. Catch a young lady not up to a thing like that." + +A cold horror and disgust came over Marian, and she would not make a +single inquiry, but Elliot went on. + +"So you will ask no questions? I believe you are in the secret the whole +time." + +"No, I am not." + +"No? You will never persuade me that you are not. Why, what else can you +ladies sit up half the night talking about in your bed rooms?" + +Marian despised him too much to deny. + +"Then do you really mean to profess," said Elliot, turning full towards +her, so as to look her in the face in what she deemed an impertinent +way, "that you cannot guess the news that is waiting for you?" + +For once in her life she could not say "I don't know," and her answer +was a very cold "I believe I do;" while in the meantime she was almost +feeling, and quite looking, as if she could have cut off his bead. His +disagreeableness was the one present pain, but behind it was undefined +consternation, for she perceived that, at any rate, he did not think +Caroline had refused Mr. Faulkner. + +"You keep your congratulations till it is formally announced," said he +maliciously, still looking at her, though few save himself could have +failed to be abashed by the firm, severe expression of her dark eyes, +and lips compressed into all the sternness of the Queen of Olympus. + +Happily they were so close to the house that Marian, who would not deign +a reply, could avoid him without absolute rudeness. She threw her rein +to the groom, and sprung to the ground before Elliot had time to offer +his assistance, then ran hastily across the hall just as Clara was +coming out of the drawing-room. + +"Why, Elliot!" cried Clara meeting her brother, "you have not been +riding with Marian?" + +"With Marian? No, I thank you! I only met with her at the gate, and have +been spoiling your market." + +"You don't mean that you have been telling her?" cried Clara; "O I +wanted to have been first." + +"Precious little thanks you'll get!" said Elliot; but Clara, without +attending to him, flew up stairs after Marian, who had reached her room, +and while Fanny was endeavouring to get her dressed in time for dinner, +was trying to collect her dismayed thoughts. She would not believe +Caroline so foolish, nay, so wicked as to accept him, yet if it could +possibly be true, what in the world should she say or do which way +should she look, or how should she answer? In the midst of her first +confusion in danced Clara, with a face full of delight at having +something to tell, then looking blank at Fanny's presence. + +"Marian--my dear Marian--what do you think?" was her first eager +beginning, then changing into "How--how late you are--where have you +been! I really thought you had been out with Elliot," and she laughed. + +"I only fell in with him at the gate. I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"Have you indeed? O I wish you had come with mamma! So Elliot has +been provoking, and told you," she added, stopping there, and looking +significant. + +Marian glanced at Fanny, and shook her head. She was very glad she had +such a protector, to give her time to collect her thoughts, but this was +not easy, for Clara went rattling on in an eager discursive way about +all sorts of things, the archery, the dancing, the partners, the +dresses, hardly knowing what she said, nor Marian either, fidgeting +about, trying to expedite the dressing, and looking most impatient, till +at last Marian, anxious to know what had really taken place, pitying her +eagerness, and willing to have it over, hurried the fastening of her +dress, and arranging of her lace, and told Fanny to leave them. + +"O Marian! Marian! what a shame of Elliot to have told you all about it. +Did you expect it?" + +"He only half told me," replied Marian, "but make haste, Clara, let me +hear. Is Caroline really engaged?" + +"Yes--yes--O yes! and every one is so delighted, Lady Julia, and Julia +and Louisa, and all!" + +"And she has accepted him?" + +"O yes to be sure--at least--yes, only you know it is too soon to settle +when they will be married. What a charming wedding it will be, won't +it, Marian?--you and I find Julia and Louisa, and their cousins will be +bridesmaids O! how delightful it will be. And then I shall come out." + +"But Clara, Clara, don't be wild, do tell me all about it." + +"Ah! you see you missed something by not coming to stay there as we did. +And to tell you a great secret, Marian, Louisa says she really believes +that it was you that her brother thought of, when he first accepted +Elliot's invitation to come and stay here." + +"Nonsense," said Marian, though her colour would rise. + +"And he had not seen Caroline then, Louisa says," proceeded Clara, but +there she got into an inextricable confusion, and was not speedy in +stammering out of it, having suddenly remembered that it was no great +compliment to tell Marian that Louisa had said how glad they all were +that it was not Miss Arundel. Marian cut the hesitation short by saying, +"You have not told me when it was settled, or how you heard it." + +"It was settled last night after you were gone--in the conservatory-- +such a pretty place for a love affair, as Louisa says--at least I mean +he asked her, but I don't think she gave him any real regular answer-- +no, certainly she did not." + +"Did you know of it that evening?" + +"O yes, Louisa and I had great fun in watching him all day, and all the +day before, we saw it all quite plain." + +"But did Caroline tell you that night?" + +"Yes, of course she did. She could not have kept it from me, you know, +for I began to laugh at her the minute we came up, and asked her if she +had not been delightfully employed, and you should have seen what a +colour she grew directly." + +"And what did she say?" asked Marian very anxiously, almost hoping it +might prove that Caroline's acceptance might have been taken for granted +without having been really given. + +"I don't exactly remember what she said, she was very grave and said it +was no laughing matter, or something of that kind, and she walked up and +down and begged me to be quiet and let her think." + +"Well!" + +"Then I begged her only to let me know if he had proposed, and what she +had said, and she told me she had said nothing--she could not tell--she +must have time, and then she leant her head against the side of the bed, +and said she wished she knew what to do! And when I tried to cheer her +up, and said how delightful it would be----" + +"O Clara, how could you?" broke from Marian. + +"Ah! I know you can't bear the Faulkners, but you must now, for they +will be your cousins, you know, Marian. And I assure you I did not say +anything silly, I said it was not only that Mr. Faulkner is handsome and +rich, that would not be anything, you know, but he is so sensible and so +agreeable, and kind, and good tempered, and we are all so fond of him, +and the Faulkners all so fond of her, and it would be so very nice to +have her close to us, and mamma would be so charmed. Well, poor dear +girl, she did not sleep at all that night, and this morning she only +wanted, if she could, to have sent a note for us to be sent for to come +home to breakfast, but that could not be, you know, and when we came +down, Lady Julia was so kind and affectionate, and kissed her and said +she was tired, and took her to lie on the sofa, in the little boudoir. +Lady Julia sat with her there first, and then Mr. Faulkner came, and +stayed with her a long, long time." + +"O!" sighed Marian, "was it settled then?" + +"Not exactly settled, but somewhere about three o'clock, Mr. Faulkner +ordered his horse, and rode out to find papa, and then Caroline ran up +to our room, and bolted the door, and said she could not let me in, +but just then mamma came and went up to her, and it was all joy and +congratulation through the whole house. Mr. Faulkner came back and papa +with him. But dear me, there is the second bell! Come, Marian! O, I do +so wish you had been there." + +If Marian had been there, perhaps things would not have been exactly as +they were at present, though this was very far from what Clara intended +by her wish. Marian had done infinite mischief by the severity which had +weakened the only home influence excepting Walter's which held Caroline +to the right. Caroline respected her extremely, but the confidence and +affection which had been growing up slowly but surely out of that root +of esteem, had been grievously dulled and blighted, and at a most +critical time. It had in fact been almost killed down to the ground, and +though the root was a healthy one, and might yet shoot forth again, +the opportunity had been missed when it might have been turned to good +account. + +Caroline knew Mr. Faulkner not to be a religious man, and her better +principles warned her against him; but on the other hand she really +liked his manners extremely, her heart was warmed towards him by his +preference and expressions of affection, and she did not know whether +she loved him already or not, or whether she should allow herself to +love him, as he was sure she could do. She had been used to a world +where the service of GOD was not the first object; she had always lived +with men whose thoughts and time were otherwise engrossed, and though +she might regret what she saw, her standard had been lowered, and she +was far less inclined to hold aloof front one whom her conscience did +not approve, than if she had been accustomed to see everything desirable +in her own family; in those whom nature and duty obliged her to love and +respect. + +By the Faulkners she was greeted with such kindness as to win her heart, +and she thought the power she would enjoy at High Down would enable her +to set things on a footing there, on which she could never place them at +home; she could not fail to be happy with Mr. Faulkner; she might work +upon his mind, if he loved her as he said he did. Still there stood the +great unanswerable obstacle, the three words, "It is wrong!" If she +stood alone, if there was no family on either side, she could, she would +refuse, but dismay seized on her when she thought of the displeasure, +the persecution at home if she rejected him; on the other hand she +shrank from ingratitude for the kindness of the Faulkners. There was +Clara putting her in mind of all that could bias her in his favour, +rejoicing already, saying how all the family would rejoice. + +O that interval, that night! if Marian had but stood there with the +grave, earnest, heartfelt voice that repelled all sophistry with the +wonted "I don't know," if the dark eyes had been there to look with +contempt on all but the "right," and to fill with tears, the more +touching because so rare, as her tenderness, her deep feeling would +have been called out by the sensation of seeing and aiding a friend to +struggle nobly against a temptation, if Caroline had felt and seen the +superiority, the loveableness of real, true, uncompromising regard for +right, and right alone, if she had been by one touch made to partake +of the horror Marian felt of any failure in faith, then all the innate +strength and nobleness of her character might have been awakened, and +she would have clung to "the right" at any cost, supported, carried +through by Marian's approval and sympathy, keeping her up to feel that +higher approval was with her. + +But alas! alas! Marian was at a distance, and her image had at present +connected itself with harshness and haughtiness. She might be good; +but such goodness did not invite imitation; she did not appear half as +agreeable as the Faulkners. Caroline turned away from the recollection +of her, was all night and all the morning distressed, undecided, and +vacillating; then came Lady Julia's affection, her lover pressing his +suit, she hardly knew what she had said, but she found her consent +was assumed, both families were rejoicing in it, she found herself +considered to be engaged, and she returned home bewildered at all that +had passed, flattered, almost intoxicated with the attention of various +kinds paid her by every one, at High Down, and when her wonted dread of +Marian's disapproving eye would return, hardening herself against it +with the thought that Marian could not make every one as Utopian as +her own Edmund and Fern Torr, that she was proud and determined in +prejudice, and after all what right had she to interfere? Of Walter, +Caroline did not dare to think. + +Marian came down with Clara, wearing a rigid company countenance, +expressing more of indifference than of anything else; she would not +look at Caroline lest her eye should seem to judge her, and only by +furtive glances perceived that she looked pale, worn and wearied. There +was talk about the ball going on all dinner-time, but Caroline hardly +put in a word, and Marian's were not many. Directly after dinner +Caroline said she was tired, and should lie down till tea-time; she went +and Mrs. Lyddell, taking Marian by the hand, exclaimed, "Now, Marian, I +must be congratulated. I suppose Clara has told you all about it." + +"Yes, Clara told me," said Marian, resolved not to offend except where +she could not avoid it without sacrificing truth. + +"You could scarcely be surprised," said Mrs. Lyddell. "It has been +evident for a long time. Dear Caroline! Well, I am sure this is a +satisfaction! Settled so near home, and family and connection exactly +what could be wished; and so extremely fond of her." + +"Yes, Lady Julia is very fond of her." + +Mrs. Lyddell was too much rejoiced herself not to take sympathy for +granted. The point, on which Caroline's scruples were founded, and which +caused Marian's dislike, had never even occurred to her: she lived +little, or rather not at all, in Marian's confidence, and really did not +know that she disliked the Faulkners more than any one else, since her +manners were so universally distant, that a little ungraciousness more +or less was not very visible to a casual observer like Mrs. Lyddell. +That same ordinary coldness and undemonstrativeness which had never +thawed to Mrs. Lyddell was the reason that the entire absence of any +expression of gladness or congratulation was not remarked, or at least +only taken as her way, and besides at the bottom of her heart, Mrs. +Lyddell was very much obliged to Marian for the repelling manner which +had left the field to her daughter. So Marian got very well through +half an hour's interview, without giving offence; but she feared the +_tete-a-tete_ with Caroline, and resolved as much as possible to avoid +it, since she could do no good, and did not think it right to express +her sentiments unless they were positively called for. Disappointed in +Caroline, grieved, giving her up for lost, yet loving and pitying her, +she had rather never meet her again, certainly not have any confidential +intercourse with her. + +She need not have feared: Caroline was quite as much inclined to avoid +her as she could be to avoid Caroline; by mutual consent they shunned +being left alone together, and talked of indifferent matters if they +were, for there was not familiarity enough for silence. When with the +others Caroline was the same as usual, lively, agreeable, obliging; +perhaps, and Marian thought it strange, a shade gayer than her wont. In +her behaviour to Mr. Faulkner every one agreed that she was exactly the +right thing, quiet and sensible, and, as people said, "evidently so very +much attached to him." Marian would have given worlds to know what was +passing in her secret soul, but the right of reading there was gone. +What did Walter think? To this also there was no answer; if he wrote, +Marian heard nothing about his letter, and he did not come home. He was +to be ordained in the autumn to a curacy in a large manufacturing town +in the north of England, and in the meantime he was staying there with +one of the other curates, helping in the schools, and learning something +of the work before him. There was not a doubt in Marian's mind that his +sister's engagement must be a great sorrow to him, and that this was the +reason why he would not come home, even for a short visit. For Caroline, +so really good, right thinking and excellent as she was, so far above +the general tone of her family, wilfully to place herself in such a +situation, to cast away all the high and true principles with which she +had once been imbued, was too sad and grievous to be borne by one who +loved her as Marian, did all the time, and how much worse it must be for +her brother? + +Yes, little did most of those who saw Marian's unmoved, marble +countenance, and heard her stiff, formal words, guess at the intensity +of feeling beneath, which to those who knew her best was betokened by +that very severity; how acutely she was suffering for the future before +Caroline, how strong were the impulses to plead with her once more, how +sick and loathing her heart felt at the manner in which this hateful +connection was treated by all around. If that reserve could, or ought +to, have been broken, Marian would have astonished them all. + +If her former anxieties about Gerald had been as of old, she really did +not know how she could have endured them in addition to all this; but +while she was at ease about him nothing could quite overwhelm her. And +she was very happy about him; Mr. Lyddell had readily consented to the +Highland plan, and Gerald was so enchanted that he forgot all his former +fears of Edmund, saw in him only a fellow-sportsman, and when he wrote +to tell his sister of the project, decorated his letter with a portrait +of the holidays, every one of the thirty-seven days represented in a +sort of succession of clouds one behind the other, in each of which +Gerald was doing something delightful,--boating, shooting, bagging his +game, and enjoying an infinite variety of sports, the invention and +representation of which did considerable credit to his ingenuity. On the +very day after the Eton election, he met Edmund in London, and they set +off together to spend the time before the ecstatic twelfth of August in +visits to the Trosachs, to Fingal's cave and every other Scottish wonder +of note. + +Lionel returned alone, and the first thing he said as he skimmed his hat +across the hall table was, "There! thank goodness, I shan't touch a book +again these five weeks!" Every one asked after his eyes, but they told +their own story, for they were considerably inflamed, and so evidently +out of order that Mrs. Lyddell herself grew anxious, and the apothecary, +Mr. Wells, was sent for. He spoke of their having been over tried by the +school work, advised complete rest, and sent his mixture to bathe them, +which in a day or two reduced the inflammation, made them comfortable, +and restored them to their ordinary appearance, so that all anxiety +passed off again. + +Marian, like the others, dismissed the fear, though a flash of +apprehension now and then crossed her mind. She was more with Lionel +than the others, they had always been great allies, and at present were +more thrown together than had ever been the case before. Johnny had been +appointed to a ship which was to sail from Plymouth in a very short +time, and he only came home for two or three days, from the school where +he had been prepared. Mr. Lyddell took him to London for his outfit, and +then on to Plymouth; Mrs. Lyddell was extremely overset, more so than +Marian had thought her capable of being, for Johnny was her favourite, +she regarded him as a victim, and could not bear to expose him to all +the perils of sea and climate. + +Johnny however went to Plymouth, and then there was nothing to be +desired but that he should soon sail, that his mother might settle her +mind, for in the mean time she was nervously anxious and restless, +and could scarcely give her attention to anything, not even to the +Faulkners, far less to what Marian was observing from time to time about +Lionel's eyes. + +Now that John and Gerald were away, Lionel was deprived of his wonted +companions: Elliot did not patronize him, and was besides too busy about +the races to occasion on his own account any home sports in which Lionel +might have taken a share, so that there was no companionship for him +excepting with the young ladies. Caroline's and Clara's time was a great +deal taken up with the Faulkners, and Marian and Lionel were thus left +out by all and almost obliged to make a coalition. + +Lionel haunted the drawing-room in the morning, either talking in the +half-rhodomontade, half-in-earnest fashion of boys of sixteen, or +listening if there was any reading aloud going forward. Clara's readings +with Marian and Caroline had well-nigh fallen to the ground now, and +Caroline almost always spent the morning in her own room, but Marian now +and then caught Clara and managed to get her to do something rational. +More often, however, the reading was on Marian's part to Lionel; he +liked to hear her read scraps of any book she might have in hand, and +she was very merciful to him in the selection, not being by any means +too wise. She read him likewise the new numbers of the periodical tales, +as well as the particulars of the rowing matches and cricket matches, +overcoming for his sake her dislike to touching Elliot's sporting +newspaper. Indeed she had not so forgotten her cricket as not to be very +much interested, to enter into all his notes and comments, and to be as +anxious for the success of Eton as he was himself, so that if she had +been called to give an account of her whole morning's work for three +days, she could have said nothing of it but that she had been studying +the matches at Lord's. + +In the afternoon, if Marian could escape from the drive in the carriage, +they walked or rode together, the latter when it was not too bright a +day, for Lionel avoided the sunshine like an owl; and when in their +walks a sunny field, or piece of down had to be passed, he drew his hat +down and came under the shelter of Marian's parasol, as if he fairly +dreaded the glare. He was very apt too not to recognise people whom they +met, and now and then made such strange mistakes about small objects +near at hand, that though they were laughed at just at the moment, +Marian thought them fearful signs when she recollected them afterwards, +in that half-waking half-sleeping time when she had learnt to entertain +herself with anxieties. Chess or backgammon was the great resource in +the evening, when there was no dining out, and no grand dinner party, +and the number of games Marian played with him were beyond all +reckoning. He played, she thought, more by the touch than the eye, often +feeling the head of a piece to satisfy himself whether it had the king's +crown or the queen's round head, the bishop's mitre or the knight's +ears, but he was so quick and ready that it was impossible to tell how +far the defect of sight went, and she could not bear to ask or awaken +his fears. + +She did not think he had any; she did not believe that he had ever seen +quite as well as other people, and therefore trusted to sight less than +most; and his eyes had been so often ailing, and then better, that he +was not likely to take alarm now. If he had, she believed he would have +told her, for he was very confidential with her, and she often thought +it a great pity that no one else had thought it worth while to enter +into him enough to find out what a right-thinking, sensible boy he was, +and how affectionate he would be if they would only let him. One day, +when they had been taking a long ride together, he began talking about +his intentions for the future. It arose out of some observation about +the value of a tree in a new and an old country. Marian had been +lamenting that no modern houses were ever built with the beautiful +patterns of dark timbers, as we see them in old farm-houses; and Lionel +answering that so much wood could never be afforded in England now. + +"No, you must go to a primeval forest for that," said Marian; "and very +stupid it is of the people in the colonies to build houses as bad or +worse than ours, when they have all the materials for nothing." + +"Well, I will build a famous house when I emigrate," said Lionel; "a +regular model of an old English farm-house it shall be,--stout, and +strong, and handsome,--just to put the people in mind that they do +belong to an old country, after all." + +"When you emigrate, Lionel?" + +"Yes, I really have a great mind to do so, seriously, Marian," and he +rode nearer to her. "I do think it would be the best thing I could do. +Don't you think so?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, considering, while his eager face was +turned towards her. + +"You see," Lionel continued, "we must all do something for ourselves; +and I am sure my eyes will never be fit for study. To be a clergyman is +out of the question for me, even if I was good enough; and so is the +law--" + +"Yes, yes, certainly." + +"Well, then, there is only the army, and there one can't get on without +money. Now you know Elliot has been a monstrous expense to my father of +late, and the times have grown so bad, and everything altogether has +gone wrong; so that I think the only thing for it would be for me to go +off to some new part of the world, where, when I once had a start, my +own head and hands would maintain me,--no thanks to anybody." + +"I dare say it would," said Marian, rather sadly, "I am sure these are +right grounds, Lionel; but it is a terrible severing of all home ties." + +"O, but I should come back again. I should be an Englishman still, and +come back when I had made my fortune." + +"O, Lionel, don't be in a hurry to make a fortune; that spoils every +one." + +"No, no, I am not going to grasp and grub for money; I hate that. Only +if the fortune comes, one does not know how, with cattle, or horses, or +lands--O, Marian, think of being an Australian stockman, riding after +those famous jockeys of wild bulls--hurra!" Lionel rose in his stirrups, +and flourished his whip round his head, so as greatly to amaze his +steed. "There is a life to lead in a great place bigger than all Europe, +instead of being stifled up in this little bit of a poky England, every +profession choke full of people!" + +"Well done, Lionel, you do want a field indeed!" + +"So I do. I hate to be fenced up, and in, every way. I should like to +break out in some fresh place, and feel I had all the world before me! +Then I'll tell you what, Marian," and he spoke with infinite relish, +"suppose matters got a little worse here, and they were all of them +really in distress!" + +"O Lionel!" + +"Well, but listen. Then I should like to come home with all this fortune +that I had made somehow, and get them all on their legs again; buy back +the estate, perhaps, and give it to papa again; and then--and then"--his +voice quivered a little, and his eyes winked, as if the sun had dazzled +them--"see if mamma would not think me worth something, after all!" + +This was the only time Lionel had ever said a word to show that he was +conscious of his mother's disregard of him; and the feeling it called up +made Marian's heart so full that she could not reply. But he wanted no +answer, and went on. "Would not that be worth living for, Marian? But, +after all, that is all nonsense," he added, with a sigh; "at least it is +all a chance. But what I really think is, that I should do much better +for myself and every one else, in one of the colonies; and I have a +great mind to speak to my father about it. By the by, I wish Mr. Arundel +would come here when he has finished his journey with Gerald; I should +like to talk to him about the Cape. I rather fancy the Cape, because of +the lions; and one might have a chance of a row now and then with the +Caffres." + +Marian began telling all she could about the Cape, and from that time +her _tete-a-tetes_ with Lionel were chiefly spent in discussions upon +the comparative merits of the colonies. One thing Lionel was resolved +on. "I will go somewhere where there is a Church within a tolerable +distance,--say twenty miles; that is a short one for a colony, you know, +Marian; for I know I am such a wild fellow, that I should very soon +forget everything good, if I had not something to put me in mind of it. +Or, by the by, Marian, what would be jolly would be to get Walter to go; +I dare say he would, if it was some place where they were very badly off +indeed, with plenty of natives, and all very savage." + +Marian understood quite well enough, to agree that it must be some place +"very badly off indeed" to invite Walter, and Lionel greatly enjoyed the +further arranging of plans for taking care of his intended chaplain, +whom he meant to save from roughing it as much as possible. However, +this might be regarded as a very aerial pinnacle of his castle, the +first foundation of which was yet to be laid, by broaching the subject +to his father. Lionel talked over the proposing it many times with his +counsellor, and at length resolved upon it, with some slight hope that +it might save his eyes from the suffering of another half year at Eton, +which, as the holidays came nearer to an end, he began to dread. + +"You see, Marian," he said, "I do not like to give out, when I can help +it, for they think it shirking, and there was a time when I did shirk; +but a great many times last half, I was nearly mad with the aching and +smarting of my eyes after I had been reading. And all I did was by bits +now and then; for if I went on long the letters danced, and there was a +mist between me and them." + +"I wish you would tell Mr. Lyddell; I am sure it is not fit to go on in +such a way." + +"I have told Wells," answered Lionel. + +A pause--then Lionel said, "I believe papa is in the library; I'll go +and speak to him about the emigration." + +Marian was very anxious to hear the result of the conference, but she +could not find out anything just at first as she had to drive out with +Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline to make calls. In the evening, over the game +at chess, Lionel told her that his father said he should talk to his +mother about it; and two days after he came to her in the hall, saying, +"Come and take a turn in the plantation walk, Marian; 'tis nice and +shady there, and I have something to tell you." + +The something was as follows: "Well, Marian, my father was very kind, +paid something about its being a sensible notion, and that he would see +about it." + +"But are you to go back to Eton?" + +"Yes, that must be; and I must scramble on as best I may. It will be +better at first, after all this rest. It is something gained that the +whole plan is not knocked on the head at once." + +"Then he gives his consent?" + +"Why, he says it will be time to think of it in a year or two, and I +am too young as yet, which is true enough; only, I wish I was to be +learning farming, instead of torturing my eyes with what will be no good +out there. Then he said, as to giving up the army, I need not think that +was necessary, because it was only that he did not want to have two +sons in it, and now Johnny is otherwise disposed of; and, besides Mr. +Faulkner had behaved in such a handsome way about Caroline's fortune.' + +"O!" said Marian. + +"Yes, I don't like that at all," said Lionel. "Johnny always was crazy +to be a sailor, so he is all right, and that is not what I care for; but +I don't want to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner. I had rather Caroline had +her own money, and not that we should all profit by her making this +grand marriage." + +"I should quite feel with you." + +"Marian, we have never talked that over; but I know you cannot bear the +Faulkners." + +"What is the use of asking me, Lionel?" + +"O, I know you can't, as well as if you had said so; and I want to know +how you could let Caroline go and do such a thing?" + +"I? How could I help it?" said Marian smiling, at the boy's assuming +that she had power of which she was far from being conscious. "Besides, +I thought you liked Mr. Faulkner; you, all of you, did nothing but +praise him at Christmas." + +"I did at first, not at last," said Lionel. "Besides, liking a man to go +out shooting with is not the same as liking him to marry one's sister." + +"By no means!" cried Marian, emphatically. "But what made you think ill +of him?" + +"Things I heard him say to Elliot when we were out together." + +"Did Gerald hear them?" asked Marian, very anxiously, as she remembered +what a hero Mr. Faulkner was in her brother's estimation. + +"No, I don't think he did. He certainly was not there the worst time of +all,--the time that gave a meaning to all the rest. Don't you remember +that day when Mr. Faulkner drove Elliot and me in his dog-cart to look +at that horse at Salisbury? I am sure I never praised him after that +day. He said what Elliot never would have said himself--never." + +"How?" Marian could not help asking, though she doubted the next moment +whether it was wise to have done so. + +"Things about--about religion--the Bible," said Lionel, looking down and +mumbling, as if it was with difficulty that he squeezed out the answer. +"Now, you know, I have heard," he added, speaking more freely, "I have +heard people make fun with a text or a name out of the Bible many a +time; and though that is very bad of them, I think they don't mean much +harm by it. Indeed, I have now and then done it myself, and should +oftener, if I had not known how you hated it." + +"It is a very wrong thing," but I see what you mean,--that some people +do it from want of thought." + +"Yes, just so; but that is a very different thing from almost quizzing +the whole Bible,--at least talking as if it was an absurd thing to +accept the whole of it, I do declare, Marian, he was worse when he began +to praise it than he was before; for he talked of the Old Testament as +if it was just like the Greek mythology, and then he compared it to +Homer, and AEschylus, and the Koran. To be sure he did say it was +better poetry and morality; but the idea of comparing it! I don't mean +comparing as if it must be better, but as if it stood on the same +ground." + +"And did Elliot listen to all this?" said Marian, thinking the poison +must have been in rather too intellectual a form for Elliot. + +"He listened," said Lionel. "I don't think he would ever set up to say +such things for himself; but I believe he rather liked hearing them +said. I am quite sure this Faulkner will make him worse than he is +already, for all this talk is a hundred times worse than going on in +Elliot's way." + +"To be sure it is--a thousand times!" + +"But what I want to know is this, Marian? has Caroline got any notion +of what sort of a man she has got? Because if she does it with her eyes +open, it can't be helped; but if not, I think she ought to be warned; +for I don't suppose the man is fool enough to talk in this way to her. +Indeed, I think I heard him say that believing is all very well for +women." + +"Why don't you tell her, then?" + +"That is the very thing I had on my mind all these holidays; but I know +no one would ever listen to me. If Walter was here it would be a very +different thing, for he is worth attending to, and Caroline knows that; +though she thinks I have no sense at all but for mischief." + +"She could not think so, if she heard you speak as you do now." + +"Then there is another thing, Marian, and what makes it quite--at least +very nearly out of the question; I don't believe they in the least +reckoned on my hearing all this. You know the man is very good-natured; +well, he took me up to go instead of his servant, and I was sitting +back to back with them. I sometimes think my bad eyes have made my ears +sharper, for I know I often hear when other people don't; and so I +should not expect they supposed in the least that I was attending, +though I did not miss a word, for I could not help hearing. Now, you +see, I could not possibly go and betray him; and if you were not the +safest person in the world, I would never have told you: only, if +somebody could just give Caroline a hint that she is going to marry an +infidel, it would be a pleasant thing." + +"A pleasant thing!" repeated Marian. Then she paused, considering, and +Lionel waited patiently while she did so, "I see," she said at last, +"that you could hardly tell her of this conversation; and after all, +Lionel, I believe we knew what was quite as bad of him from the first: +this only proves it a little more fully." + +"Did you?" + +"Yes, Lord Marchmont told me something of it; and I mentioned it to +Caroline before he came here at all." + +"O, that is right!" said Lionel, greatly relieved, "then it is no +concern of mine; though what can possess Caroline, I can't think. Is it +love, I wonder?" + +"I suppose so," said Marian, sighing. + +"Well, it is a queer thing," said the boy. "I should have thought +Caroline was one to care about such matters more than I, but perhaps she +means to convert him. So! I did think Caroline was good for something, +but it is no affair of mine; and I shall be all the more glad to get off +to New Zealand to be out of the sight of it all." + +"It is very sad indeed!" said Marian. "I am sure it will be nothing but +wretchedness. Caroline can blind herself now, but that will not go on." + +"And why can't you speak to her, and stop her? She used to mind you. +Does she come and talk about this man as if he was perfection?" + +"No," was the sorrowful reply. "She knew from the first my opinion of +him, and we never have any talks now. We never have had one since she +was first engaged." + +"Whew!" whistled Lionel. "Then she does mean to go and do it, and no +mistake! Then I've done with her, and shan't think about her any more +than I can help. If she won't be warned, she must Lave her own way, and +may marry the Grand Turk, if she likes it better." He whistled again, +proposed a ride, and went to order the horses; while Marian, walking +slowly to the house to prepare, did not so much grieve for Caroline, +for that was an old accustomed sorrow, as marvel at the manner in which +Lionel had spoken, and wonder where he had learnt the right views and +excellent sense he had displayed. Far was she from guessing the value of +such a steady witness to the truth as she had been from the first hour +when Lionel had perceived and maintained "that she had no humbug in +her;" how her cares for her brother had borne fruit in him; how he +learnt from her to reverence goodness, and cleave to the right; and +how he looked up to her, because her words were few, and her deeds +consistent. More right in theory, than steady in practice was Lionel; +very unformed, left untrained by those whose duty it was to watch him; +but the seeds had been sown, and be his future life what it might, it +could not but bear the impress of the years she had spent in the same +family. + +She knew nothing of all this; she only thought, as she watched his +quick, bounding run, that he, the least regarded, was the flower of the +flock, with principles as good as Walter's, and so much more manly and +active. For Marian, with all her respect for Walter, could not help +wishing, like the boys, that he had more life and spirit, and less +timidity. A little mental courage would, she thought, have brought him +to expostulate with Caroline, instead of keeping out of the way, and +leaving her to her fate. Edmund would not have done so. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + "It's hame, and it's hame, and it's hame." + + Cunningham. + + +Edmund and Gerald had promised to spend a few days at Oakworthy, before +the one returned to Portsmouth and the other to Eton; but their plans +were disconcerted by an event which, as Clara said, placed Marian in +mourning in good earnest, namely, the death of her great aunt, old Mrs. +Jessie Arundel, who had always lived at Torquay. For the last four or +five years she had been almost imbecile, and so likely to die at any +time, that, as it seemed for that very reason, every one took her death +as a surprise when it really happened. + +Edmund thought it right that both he and Gerald should attend her +funeral. Lord Marchmont, whose wife stood in the same relationship to +her, met them in London, and they all went together to Torquay, instead +of making the intended visit to Oakworthy. Gerald was obliged to return +to Eton on the following day, without coming to Oakworthy; but, to make +up for it, he wrote to his Writer from Torquay, and his letter ended +thus,--"Now I have a capital bit of news for you. Old aunt Jessie has +done what I shall venerate her for ever after--left every scrap of her +property to Edmund, except a legacy or two to her servants, a picture of +my father to me, and some queer old-fashioned jewels to you and Selina. +The will was made just after I was born; so it was to make up to Edmund +for my cutting him out of Fern Torr. You may suppose how Lord Marchmont +and I shook hands with him. It is somewhere about L20,000; there is +good news for you! He is executor, and has got to be here a day or two +longer; but Lord Marchmont and I set off by the first train to-morrow. I +shall look out for Lionel, tell him, in case he is too blind to see me. +Can't you come with him to the station, and have one moment's talk?" + +This proved to be possible; and Marian, in the interval between the +coming of the post and the setting off, had time, all the hurry of her +dressing, to wonder if she ought to be very much rejoiced. She did not +believe, that even wealth could spoil Edmund, but she did not think all +this would be of much use to him. It did not give him a home, and in +fact she thought it rather a creditable thing to be as poor as he had +hitherto been. She had rather have heard of something to make him look +less like Tressilian, than he had done the last time she had seen him. + +She had a pleasant drive with Lionel, who was very glad of any good luck +befalling Mr. Arundel, and presently, after some meditation, broke out +as follows:--"My eyes! what miles and miles it would buy in Australia" +and then proceeded to talk all the rest of the way about Australian +bulls. + +The meeting at the station was a bright one, though so short, as +scarcely to be worth the journey, if the value of such moments were to +be reckoned by their number. There was Lord Marchmont to be spoken to, +as well as Gerald, which broke into the time. Gerald looked very happy +and pleasant. He said Edmund was the best fellow in the world, and that +he had been very happy--shot lots of things--he wished he could stop to +tell about it. Then Marian hurried what she had to say, while Lionel was +looking after his luggage. "Gerald, would you just try if you can do +anything to spare Lionel's eyes? When you have the same things to do, +could you not read to him, or something? they seem so much worse, and I +am so afraid." + +"I'll try," said Gerald, "but I don't think I can do much, and he will +never give in." + +The bell rang--Lionel ran up--she wished them good-bye, and drove home, +happier than when last she parted there from Gerald, wondering what had +happened in his journey with Edmund, and re-assured, by his free cordial +tone. She took up a book and read all the way home. + +The next thing that was heard of Edmund was in a note to Mr. Lyddell, +saying that he should come and spend one night at Oakworthy, on his way +to Portsmouth; that he hoped to arrive about one o'clock, and that +he should bring Marian her aunt's legacy of the jewels. This was +communicated to her by Mrs. Lyddell, and she could not discover from +whence he wrote; she supposed from London, unless he was still detained +in Devonshire. She looked forward greatly to his coming, as there was +so much to hear about Gerald; and she felt, as if she wanted something +pleasant, very much indeed; for, now that Lionel was gone, she found +what a companion, interest, and occupation he had been, and missed +him very much. The constraint with all the others, except Clara, +was wearisome: and Clara, though never ceasing to talk, and very +affectionately, was anything but a companion, while poor Caroline kept +more than ever aloof, and had a flightiness of spirits--a sort of +gaiety of manner--which, to Marian, seemed to be assumed. This was more +especially the case, after there was an idea of fixing the marriage for +some time in the autumn, and arrangements were talked over. Marian began +to have little doubt that she was secretly unhappy, and grew more and +more tender in feeling towards her; while, by an effect of contraries, +her manner became more frigid and severe, in proportion to the warmth +within. + +Clara wondered a little what Mr. Arundel was coming for, and laughed and +looked significant when Marian said she knew perfectly well; but Marian +thought she knew so thoroughly as not to be in the least disconcerted, +though Clara's glances were full upon her when he was announced. In he +came, just at luncheon time; he shook hands with Marian with all his +might, and one glance convinced her that he had not Tressilian's +face--nay, that though the sun of Africa had left its traces, he was +more like the Edmund of the olden time, than she had ever seen him since +her father's death. There were a good many people at luncheon that day. +Mr. Faulkner was there, and there were some visitors staying in the +house. Edmund was a good way from her, and she could only hear his voice +now and then in the buzz; but it was a very pleasant sound to hear, and +when he laughed, it was his own natural, free, gay laugh, such as it +used to be. She was sure he was very happy, and wondered if it was +possible Aunt Jessie's fortune could have made him so, or whether it +could all be the satisfaction of having set Gerald to rights. + +As they rose to leave the dining room, he came to her, saying, "Marian, +can you have a walk with me?" + +"Oh, yes, I should like it of all things; I will be ready in one +minute." And away she bounded, saying to Caroline, in the boldest and +most innocent manner in the world, as if on purpose to show that she +expected nothing, and would not be laughed at, that Edmund had asked her +to walk with him. He waited for her in the hall, and they went out, she +scarcely pausing till they were on the steps, to say, "Well, how did you +get on with Gerald? I am sure you made him very happy." + +"We got on famously. He is a very nice fellow; he only wanted a little +stimulus the right way. He is thoroughly open and candid, and I have no +fear but that he will do very well." + +Marian could not speak for joy, and for gratitude to her cousin; and +her heart throbbing with delight, she walked on, waiting for him to say +something more on this most precious of all tidings. But when he spoke +again, it was if he had done with the subject of Gerald. "Marian, I +have something to tell you," He paused--she stood in suspense--he began +again. "Marian, I am going to be married!" + +"O!" and the inquiring, joyful, wondering, confident tone of that O, is +what nothing can ever convey. Her eyes were turned full on him with the +same eager curiosity, the same certainty, that he could not do other +than the best. He did not speak; but the half smile on his lip was a +full though mute reply to her confidence, that she had only to hear, in +order to rejoice with all her heart; and he held out a note directed to +her, in Agnes' writing! + +Marian took it, but she was too wild, too delighted, too eager to look +at him, and hear him, to be able to open it. "O Edmund!" was what she +said now, and she caught hold of his hand for an ecstatic shake. + +"Yes, thank you, yes. I said I must tell you myself, Marian--my sister." + +"O, I never heard anything more delightful in my life," said Marian, +with a sort of gasp, as soon as the overwhelming delight gave her +breath. "O, Edmund, Edmund!" + +"You have not read her note yet." + +Marian tore it open, but there was scarcely any thing to read; it was +only-- + + "Dearest Marian,--He will have a note to carry you, + but I can't say anything for bewilderment. I know he will + tell you all about it, so it is of no use my writing. Are + not you sorry he should have a wife so far from good enough + for him? + + "Your affectionate and most amazed + + "AGNES." + +Marian held it up to him, smiling. "But of course you have seen it?" + +"No, I have not; I suppose she thought I should not carry such +nonsense." + +"Well, I am sure there is no other person in all the wide world that I +could have thought good enough for you. Agnes! Agnes! O, Edmund, I wish +there was any way of not being quite choked with gladness!" + +Edmund smiled, and perhaps he was "choked with gladness" beyond the +power of speech; for the two cousins only proceeded to shake hands +again. The next thing that was said was after an interval. "Marian, you +remember our bargain six years ago? Have you grown so very fond of the +Lyddells as to repent of it?" + +"O, Edmund, you have not thought of that?" + +"Have not we? It was one of the first things we did think of." + +"I don't think I can bear to hear of much more happiness," said Marian, +in almost a crying voice. "I am so glad for you that I can't be glad for +myself yet. I can't take it all in; it is too good to be true!" + +"Indeed it does seem so. But you agree? Agnes said I must make you agree +first of all." + +"Don't I? Only I want to enjoy it for you,--it is so beyond everything!" + +"Well, wasn't I a wise man to say I would not miss the pleasure of +telling you myself?" + +"Then do tell me; do let us be rational, if we can. Then you came here +from Fern Torr?" + +"Yes. Did you not know that?" + +"No. I did not hear where you wrote from. How long were you there?" + +"I only went on Wednesday." + +"Then it was only one whole day! How much you must have had to settle!" + +"So much, that we settled scarcely anything." + +"Then you don't know when it is to be?" + +"No, and Mrs. Wortley talks of having time,--poor Mrs. Wortley, but I +don't think I shall take her away far; I have some notion of looking out +for some place close at hand." + +"Just what we settled long ago. But O! begin and tell me all, +Edmund,--as much as you like to tell me, at least. I want to know how +you first came to think of it." Then, as he smiled, she added, "I mean, +how long you have been thinking of it." + +"If you mean how long with any hope, only since I knew of good aunt +Jessie's consideration for me. How long it has been in my mind I cannot +tell; certainly before I went to Africa. You see, Marian," he continued, +as if he was apologising, "it was this which made me think it advisable +for me to go, though, as I see now, it was not at all good for Gerald." + +"What,--you mean--I am not sure that I understand--" + +"Don't you see, Marian, feeling as I did, and knowing how out of +the question it was for a penniless man like me, to think of +marrying,--Agnes so young too, and I with everything to draw me to what +had been my only home,--there was nothing to be done but to keep out +of the way, to guard me against myself; and that was easier with seas +between. I don't know whether I did right or not, but I hoped I did, +because it cost me something; yet it was a forsaking of Gerald which +might have done much harm, though I hope it has not, as it has turned +out." + +"I see it all!" said Marian, resting there, because she had not a word +with which to express her honour of his noble conduct. + +"You will forgive me now," he added, with a smile, "for what you thought +my neglect of home." + +"I am only afraid I must often have given you a great deal of pain," she +almost whispered. + +"Never, except when I thought it right to silence you. It was only too +delightful to hear their very names. You might well tell me that she had +grown prettier than ever." + +On talked and walked the cousins, over the downs, which had certainly +never been trodden by happier people. At last they recollected that they +must return, if they wished to be in time for the post, and retraced +their steps, talking as eagerly as ever. As they were coming near the +house, Marian said, "Does Gerald know?" + +"Not yet; I shall write to him to-morrow." + +"Is it to be a secret? Of course I should say nothing about it while you +are here, but may I mention it afterwards?" + +"They said nothing about secrecy," said Edmund; "in fact I think +attempting it, only results in making one look foolish. Yes, you are +welcome to tell whom you please as soon as I am out of the way. I had +rather the Lyddells know." + +"Very well; indeed, I don't think I can keep it to myself, it is too +much joy." + +"Do you expect them to participate in your pleasure at making your +escape from them?" + +"There is no one to miss me, except, perhaps, Lionel, a little, when his +eyes are bad. Caroline would once have cared, but that is over now, poor +thing! There never was a time when I should have been more glad to get +away. O, Edmund, if you would do one thing to oblige me, it would be, +to have your wedding the same day as Caroline's, that I might not be +obliged to be at it." + +"At which?" + +"O, you know!" + +"Is it such a very bad affair?" + +"O, I am very much grieved about it. The man has no religion at all, you +know; at least, if he has any, it is all natural religion,--anything but +the truth." + +"Do you really mean that the family have accepted him, allowed this to +go on, knowing such things of him?" + +"I don't know how far they see it. I don't think they allow it to +themselves, and I don't think they would understand some of it; as, for +instance, when I heard him talking the other day as if he assumed that +Christianity was only a development of people's tendency to believe,--as +fleeting as other forms of faith. It was not very broadly stated, and +I don't think I should have seen it, if it had not chimed in with +something I had read; and, besides, I knew what was in the man." + +"How do you know? Not from your own observation?" + +"O, no, no; I liked him at first. I could have liked him very much, if +Lord Marchmont had not told me about him, and then I had the key to +him." + +"And this poor Miss Lyddell?" + +"She knew what I did," said Marian, sadly. "But he is very +agreeable,--at least he is thought so,--and they all admired him so +much, and paid such court to him, that--Yet I did think better things of +Caroline. Lionel is the only one who has found him out, and he thinks of +it just as I do, O, Edmund, I am sure you would like Lionel." + +"How are his eyes?" asked Edmund, as they were coming under the portico, +and could not talk of any of the more delicate subjects. "I thought +Gerald gave a very bad account of them; indeed, I scarcely expected that +he could have gone back to Eton." + +"I sometimes think," almost whispered Marian, "that it is not he, poor +boy, whose eyes are the worst in the house; but Mrs. Lyddell's head has +been so full of Johnny, and Caroline, and all she has to do, that she +will not see anything amiss with Lionel." + +"He must be a boy of a great deal of resolution and principle, to have +struggled on as he has clone, by Gerald's account. Ah! I meant to have +told you about Gerald, but all our time is gone." + +"Never mind, we can talk of him in the evening. There is a corner of +mine where I always get out of the way of the people, and where I +have had many a nice talk with Walter, or Lionel, under cover of Miss +Grimley's music. Now where do you like to write your letter? If you had +not rather do it in your own room, there is a nice quiet place in +the old school-room, where I write mine, when the drawing-room is +uninhabitable." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, partly because he was just so shy of +letting his own handwriting be seen in the address, that he meant to +avail himself of Marian's cover. Just as Marian had finished a note, too +joyous to have any sense in it, and containing a promise to write more +sensibly to-morrow, had directed the cover, and told her cousin that +he must wind up if he meant to catch the post, Clara opened the door, +gazed, laughed, and was retiring in haste, when Marian, without a shade +of the confusion Clara had hoped for, called her back. "Edmund came here +to write a note," she said, "don't go away." + +Edmund made some demonstration about intruding, and wrote the +conclusion, at which nothing but some interruption would have made him +arrive, put it into the envelope, gave it face downwards to Marian, +and departed. Now Mrs. Lyddell and Clara were both persuaded that Mr. +Arundel had come for no other purpose than to propose to Marian; and +they had been entertaining themselves during their drive with conversing +on the subject; so that Clara was never more surprised and puzzled in +her life than by seeing Marian stand there, smiling, and with beaming +eyes, brighter than ever she had looked before, but without one particle +of a blush,--white-faced as ever, only dancing first on one foot, then +on the other, balancing her bonnet on one hand, and with the other +holding the precious letter. + +"Well, Marian!" + +"Well!" Marian made a pirouette. "I must run and put this letter in the +box." And so saying, away she ran down stairs, up again in a second; +then meeting the astonished Clara at the head of the stairs, she took +her round the waist, and fairly waltzed her to her own door, opened it, +threw herself into a chair, exclaimed, "I beg your pardon, Clara; you'll +think me mad, but I'll tell you all about it to-morrow." + +Fanny was present, so Clara could do nothing but stare; and lateness, +and a dinner-party necessitating a hasty toilette, she retreated, while +Marian contained her raptures as best she could, and meditated on the +delightful life she was to lead with Agnes and Edmund, in some cottage +on the borders of Fern Torr. O happiness, such as she had never +known, which seemed to bring back as much of her home as could ever +return,--which would be everything for Gerald! Every care gone, Edmund +happy, Gerald satisfactory, her own exile at an end. Her head almost +swain round with happiness, and she wanted to turn to the glass, to +persuade herself that she could be the same Marian Arundel, wide awake, +and yet so very, very happy. + +However, it was all future, as far as concerned herself; and that cares +were in the world she was convinced, by her own pang at seeing Caroline, +whom she overtook on her way down stairs. She had no disposition to +whirl _her_ round; but there was a softened feeling, belonging perhaps +to the fulness of her own joy, that made her, as she came up with her, +put her arm round her, as she had now and then walked with her in former +days. Caroline looked in her face, and drew the arm closer without +speaking. Their faces had always been unlike, but the contrast was +stronger than ever. Marian, with those pale, regular features, plain +dark hair, black eyes and eyebrows, with her mourning dress, and yet +with a radiant, irrepressible joy and buoyancy all round and about her; +while Caroline, with her small pretty features, rosy colour, blue eyes, +glossy curls, her pink dress and gold bracelets, was in general air very +different, and in countenance how much more; for the eyes were restless, +the smile came rather as if it was called, than as if it resided +naturally on her lip,--the colour of her cheeks, though bright, looked +fixed and feverish; and now and then, there was a quiver about the whole +face. How different from the secure expression of happiness, now and +then illuminated, as it were, with some sudden flash of secret joy, +which sat on Marian's broad, serene brow. + +They entered the drawing-room together, and from that time Marian was +outwardly her own stiff, distant self, till the promised time in the +evening, when Edmund made his way to her in her corner, where he was +greeted by a most sunny look. "Now for Gerald," said she. + +Edmund had a great deal to tell about Gerald. He thought him, on the +whole, a very nice, amiable, right-minded boy, who only wanted more +training and watching than Mr. Lyddell would or could give. He had, +after a time, been brought to be entirely open and confiding; and this, +for which Edmund seemed to be really grateful to him, and to admire him, +was the great point, he had made Edmund a friend, instead of looking at +him as a guardian,--found that he could sympathize, and had ended by +trusting and consulting him. Marian, though wondering how the reserve +had ever been, conquered, felt the relief of knowing that all was safe +now, and was not hurt by his confiding in any one but herself. Edmund +really thought it was safe. "I believe I know the worst of him now, poor +fellow," he said, smiling, "and the worst is not much. He has been going +on in a careless, thoughtless way, out of high spirits and imitation, a +good deal, and the consciousness made him keep back from you; he owns +that, and is very sorry." + +"Does he? dear Gerald!" + +"He seemed to feel deeply that he had neglected you; but he said, and +very truly, how much there had been against him,--no one, as he said, to +make him mind; and the fellows would have laughed at him, if they had +found out that he attended to his sister." + +"Ah! Johnny sowed that mischief long ago!" + +"I hope it is not weakness. I do not think it is; for there was +manliness in confessing all, and he seemed to feel the folly strongly." + +"Did he tell you about the debts?" + +"Yes, and of his own accord. They are nothing in themselves; but he has +been allowed too much money, has had little warning, and his title was +against him too. So if we can break off the habit of extravagance, there +is no great harm done. After all, you know, he is very young, and +there is plenty of time to form his character. I am sure he has good +dispositions of every kind, and if he has but resolution, he will be +sure to do well," + +"I think there is resolution in his temper. Nothing shakes him when his +mind is once made up." + +So Marian was very well satisfied on the whole about her brother, and +she might justly be so by Edmund's account. There was nothing to disturb +her happiness, and she only doubted whether she should be able to sleep +for it. Her brother restored, as well as everything else! + +When bed-time came, Mrs. Lyddell looked at her, as if expecting +something more to be said than "good night," but nothing came,--nothing +but the dancing light in the eyes. Clara followed her to the room, and +stood gazing at her. "Why, Marian," at last she said, "can't you tell me +anything about it?" + +"No; not till to-morrow." + +"O, that is too bad, Marian, when you heard all I had to tell directly." + +"I can't help it; I am not at liberty to tell other people's affairs." + +"Don't look so grand, Marian, pray. I am sure I thought this was your +own." + +"So it is in a way." + +"In a way? Why, Marian, what an extraordinary girl you are! not your own +affair! Well, if you are impenetrable, I can't help it; but it is not +kind, when we all want to congratulate you." + +"Stop, stop, Clara!" exclaimed Marian, and now she did blush, "will you +be satisfied if I tell you that it is not what you suppose? You shall +hear what it is to-morrow, and then you will see what nonsense you have +been talking." + +"What?" cried Clara, "you are not--" + +"Don't say it, pray don't! Never was any one further from it. Now do +go to bed, Clara, for I cannot tell you a word more, and keep your +curiosity at rest for to-night." + +Marian took care not to be caught alone by Clara before breakfast the +next morning, and almost immediately after breakfast, Edmund departed. +Marian had been out into the hall with him to exchange some last words, +and Mrs. Lyddell, meantime, was observing to Caroline that she never +knew anything so strange; she thought it was due to herself, however +unpleasant it might be, to claim some confidence from Miss Arundel, on +such matters, while living under her care. Marian came back, however, +with her innocent look of delight,--a look so unlike the bashfulness of +a damsel in love, that Mrs. Lyddell felt again doubtful; and before she +could speak, Marian had turned to Clara and said, "Now I will tell you +what makes me so happy. Edmund and Agnes Wortley are engaged, and I am +to go and live with them." + +"Miss Wortley!" at once exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell and her daughters, in the +extremity of surprise; and then Mrs. Lyddell and Clara asked all the +usual questions in haste and eagerness, wondering within themselves most +of all at Marian's full rejoicing, for till now they had never been +able to see that Edmund was really to her only like an elder brother. +Caroline scarcely spoke, only went on nervously with her work. At last, +when some interruption had caused her mother and Clara to leave the +room, she laid it down, looked at Marian for a moment or two, then said, +in a trembling voice, "Dear Marian, I am glad you are so happy! I am +glad you are to live with them!" then kissed her, and hastened away +before she could answer or return the caress. Her handkerchief was +raised as she closed the door. Marian sat and grieved, for well did she +know all poor Caroline conveyed by that "I am glad you are to live with +them." It meant that Caroline felt that she had given up the esteem and +friendship in which they had lived,--that she thought her own home unfit +for one brought from such a sphere as Fern Torr,--that she resigned all +those plans for Clara's good, everything that had been valued between +them,--that she looked not for happiness for herself, and though she +had forfeited such affection as once had been hers, yet she still loved +Marian. How could Marian rejoice so much, when such a fate was waiting +for Caroline? Poor Caroline! she contrasted her feelings with those of +Agnes, grieved again over her, and ended by blaming herself for all the +coldness and severity of the last six weeks, requited as it was by so +much kind, fond affection. + +Yet Caroline was weakly, wilfully doing wrong. How should she behave +rightly towards her? O, why would nothing happen to save her, and break +off this mockery of a marriage? But as of this there seemed little +hope,--as the Faulkners were at Oakworthy more than ever, and Mrs. +Lyddell was talking in good earnest of wedding clothes, and bridesmaids, +it was a comfort to have these better hopes to occupy herself with. + +Especially did she enjoy the idea of Gerald's rejoicing, and it was very +eagerly that she watched for his first letter of delight. It came as +soon as heart could wish; but so mixed are joy and grief in this world, +that even Gerald's letter could not convey unalloyed pleasure, but +filled her with a fresh anxiety,--or more properly, strengthened and +realized what had hitherto been but a vague terror. + + "Eton, Sept. 14th. + + "My dear Marian,--Never was anything better in this + world than Edmund's plans. I give him infinite credit for + them; and, as head of the family, he has my full consent. + I wish they would go and live at the Manor House + till I am of age,--that would be jolly! Lionel desires me + to tell you that it is all very well, except your going from + Oakworthy, and he shall go about the house like a mad + fury," (here followed his portrait in the character,) "if you + go before he is off after the blue wild beestes at the Cape. + His eyes are very bad, and I wish you would tell Mrs. + Lyddell about them; for I don't believe it is a bit of use + his staying here, and though I am very glad to help him, + doing all his work and my own too is more than I can stand. + It is much worse than last half; then he could see to read, + though it hurt him; now Greek or small print beats him entirely, + and he cannot look out a word in the Lexicon. He + does just manage to write, and he never forgets anything; + so another fellow and I have dragged him through, this + week. But it cannot go on so; and as he won't give up or + complain, I will have something done about it, or he will + blind himself outright before he has done. I cannot think + how it is my tutor has not found it out, but I suppose it is + that Lionel is so sharp, and has such a memory. Do speak + to Mrs. Lyddell. + + "Your affectionate brother, + + "E. GERALD ARUNDEL" + +Marian carried the letter at once to Mrs. Lyddell's dressing-room, but +she found that Gerald had been mistaken in supposing the tutor had not +observed Lionel's failing sight: for the same post had brought a letter +from him, which had at length completely alarmed Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, +and the former was going at once to write to his son to meet him in +London, where he intended to consult one of the first oculists. + +This was a great relief. Mr. Lyddell set off, and the party at home +comforted themselves with predictions that all would soon be remedied; +Marian and Clara agreeing that it would be very pleasant to have Lionel +at home to walk with them, and to be nursed. + +Mr. Lyddell had been gone about two days; Caroline and Clara were at +High Down, and Marian was returning from a solitary ramble in the park, +enjoying her last letter from Agnes, when, as she crossed the lawn, she +was startled by finding Lionel stretched on his face on the grass, just +at the turn where some bushes concealed him from the windows. He lay +flat, without his hat, his forehead resting on one arm; while with his +hand he tore up daisies and grass, and threw them hastily over his +shoulder, while his whole frame quivered in a convulsive agony of +distress. + +"Lionel! Lionel! you come home? What is the matter?" exclaimed she. + +"Matter! matter enough, I think," said, or rather muttered Lionel; +"There is an end of the Cape, or anything else." + +"How are your eyes?" asked Marian, in consternation. + +"Only I am blind for life!" answered Lionel; still hiding his face, and +speaking in a sullen, defiant tone. + +Marian, dreadfully shocked, almost beyond all power of speaking or +moving, could only drop down sitting on the grass beside him, and take +his hand. + +"All neglect, too," he added; then vehemently, "I don't believe, no I +don't, there is any pauper's son in the parish that would have been so +used!" + +Her voice was low with fright: "But, Lionel, what has happened? Let me +see you. Is it worse? can't you see?" + +"O yes, I can see now, after a fashion, at least, but that is soon to +go, they say, and then--They have done it themselves, and they may have +that satisfaction!" added he, with a fearful bitterness in his tone. +"Elections, and parliament, and dinners, and that Faulkner,--that is +what they have given my sight for." He withdrew his hand, and turned his +shoulder from Marian, as if resolute not to be comforted; and again he +shook with agony. + +"O, don't say such dreadful things, dear Lionel! O, if I could but do +anything for you!" she cried, in a tone of heartfelt grief, which seemed +to soften the poor boy a little; for he twisted round, so that his face, +still pillowed on one arm, was half raised to her, and she could see +how flushed it was, and that the eyelids were inflamed, though not +with tears, and the eyes themselves had not altered from their former +appearance. + +"'Tis not your fault," he said. "If my mother had cared for me one +quarter--" + +"Don't blame anybody, pray!" interrupted Marian: "it only makes it +worse. Only tell me all about it. Did the occulist say--" + +"Not to me," answered Lionel; "not the worst, at least. He examined my +eyes very closely, and asked me all manner of questions about what I +could see, and what I could not, and what things hurt them, and how long +it had been going on, and how I had been using them. Then he told me +that it was impossible for him to do anything for them as yet, till the +disease had made more progress; that most likely I should quite lose my +sight this winter, and then I must come to him again. So that was bad +enough, but I could have made up my mind to that, and they sent me away. +Then it seems that, after I was gone, he went on about it to papa, and +told him that the mischief had been brewing time out of mind, and some +time ago it might have been stopped; but all that straining of my eyes +at Eton, last half, had done immense harm, and confirmed the disease; +and it is of a kind that--that--there is no cure for!" He buried his +face again. + +"Did Mr. Lyddell tell you this?" + +"No, he only told me we were to go home directly, and wrote to Gerald to +send my things from Eton. He hardly spoke a word all the way,--only led +me about, and poked me in and out of the carriage, as if I was +blind already; it put me almost in a rage. Then as soon as we came +home,--about half an hour ago, I should think,--he told it all straight +out to my mother, did not mince matters, I assure you: indeed, I believe +they both forgot I was there. They are apt to forget me, you know. He +regularly stormed about the neglect, and told her it was all her fault; +and while this was going on, I found I had heard the worst, and I did +not want to be pitied, so I came out here. And so there is the whole +story for you, Marian, and a pretty one it is! A fine sort of life I +shall have instead--" + +"Well but, Lionel," cried Marian, eagerly, "are you sure that be said +_for certain_ that it was hopeless? for it seems so odd that he should +have told you one thing, and Mr. Lyddell another." + +"Pshaw! I suppose he had got some consideration, and did not want to +knock me down with the worst at once." + +"I should think it was more comfortable to know the worst at once!" said +Marian, meditatively, "so as to be able to settle one's mind to it." + +"A pretty thing to settle one's mind to," said Lionel, "to know I must +be a good-for-nothing, dependent wretch all my days! As well be a woman, +or an idiot at once! There, I shall never see that tree green again; no, +and spring--I have seen my last of that! and I may look my last at all +your faces. Johnny I shall never see again." + +Ho was crying bitterly now,--almost choking with tears; and Marian's +were flowing too. She was much distressed at the present moment; for +though the weeping was likely to relieve him, she feared it might be +doing harm to his eyes, and she did not know in the least whether it +ought to be checked, or, indeed, how to check it. Grieved and in great +consternation she was, in truth, for she was very fond of Lionel, +and full of such strong sympathy and compassion, as to be perfectly +incapable of expressing it, in the slightest degree. But he knew her; +she had been the only person who had ever been uneasy about his +sight, and this went for a great deal with him: so that, with all her +undemonstrativeness, there was no one whom he could have liked so well +to have near him in that moment of dire despair. "O, I am so sorry!" +expressed infinitely more than the simple words. + +"You see, Marian," said he, raising himself, and struggling with the +sobs of which he was ashamed, "I could bear it better if I had not had +such a scheme for my life, and my father consenting too. Australia, and +those wild cattle, and that glorious Bush life, always galloping in the +plains; and now to be condemned to be moping about here, for ever, in +darkness and helplessness. O, to think of the plans we have made, all +come to an end for ever!" and again he was weeping violently. + +"They might have been stopped otherwise," said Marian, catching at any +possible idea that might answer, or seem to console him; "you know you +might have been ill, or met with an accident, and had a great deal to +suffer." + +"I would suffer anything rather than lose my eyesight! You don't know +what you are talking of." + +"Then just suppose this complaint had come on, in some lonely place out +in the wilds, with no one to take care of you." + +"It would not, I should have had no Greek to put my eyes out." + +"And after all, dear Lionel, you know----;" there she was choked--"you +know that--" and she was choked again--"you know where it comes from." + +"I know what you mean," he said; "and if it did--But it is my mother's +neglect; there is the bitterness of it. Why, you and my father tried to +stir her up to it in the spring, and she would not; and then, when for +very shame she must attend, what does she do but let me go muddling on +with that old woman Wells! She has regularly thrown my sight away, as +much as if she had pulled my eyes out and thrown them over the hedge." + +"No one could ever have guessed--" + +"I tell you she might have guessed. Any other mother in the world would +have been frightened years ago, long before I went to school. If it had +been Elliot or Johnny, wouldn't she have had half the doctors in London? +but what did she ever trouble her head about _me?_" + +"Now, Lionel, that must not be said. You know it is wrong, and I am sure +you will see how sorry she is, and how it was really not having time." + +"I dare say she is sorry--I should hope so--now it is too late, and she +has done it." + +"But why will you accuse any one?" said Marian, sorely perplexed, and +secretly sharing all his indignation against Mrs. Lyddell. "You know it +only embitters you and makes it all worse; and after all, even if man +had actually done the mischief, it still would ultimately be sent from +Heaven." + +"I don't see that that makes it any better," murmured Lionel. + +"O don't you, Lionel?" said she earnestly; "doesn't it make you sure it +is for the best?" + +"I don't know what I have done to be so punished," went on Lionel to +himself; "I have not always been good, but I have tried, and more +lately, to do right; there are many much less steady than I, who--" + +"Yes, yes, Lionel, but perhaps it is not as good for them to be +prosperous. Indeed, indeed I am quite sure, though I don't understand it +all, or see the way, that if you will but bear it rightly, you will be +glad, if not before, yet at least when you die, even of this terrible +affliction." + +"I almost wish I was dying now!" said Lionel gloomily, "if I could but +die the last day that I am to see the sky and everything, instead of +droning on in the dark, a burthen to myself and every one else, for +I don't know how long, forty, fifty, sixty years perhaps. You know, +Marian, I am only sixteen--" + +There was a burst of tears again, and Marian felt herself an +unsuccessful comforter, nor did she wonder at it, for she could not +fancy that anything could relieve the sense of such a misfortune as poor +Lionel's, except the really high source of consolation, and that as yet +only by faith, which might make him take it on trust as the best in the +end, though for the present he must feel all the misery. She had no time +to answer him again, for the garden door opened, and at the sound he +dashed away his tears, sprang to his feet, and assumed a firm, cold, +would-be indifferent look, as Mrs. Lyddell came out and advanced towards +them. Marian thought her looking flushed and agitated, and her voice +certainly betrayed more emotion than had ever been shown in it, except +when bidding Johnny farewell. + +"Lionel, my dear, sitting on the damp grass? You will certainly catch +cold! I have been searching for you everywhere, but I am glad you were +with Marian. I wanted to ask you, my dear, whether you would like to +have your own room or Walter's," added she, wandering on as if anxious +to say what was kindest, yet dreading to come to the subject nearest +their hearts. + +"My own, thank you," bluntly answered Lionel, "I'll and unpack." He +brushed hastily by her, and ran into the house up stairs, his roughness +contrasting with her affectionate tone. She looked at Marian, and saw +the trace of tears on her eyelids, and her own lip quivered while her +eyes filled, and she said in a trembling voice, "Poor dear boy! has he +been telling you? Does he know it all?" + +"Yes," said Marian, anxiously, "but is it really so very bad? Is there +no hope?" + +"No hope? Who said so?" exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell quickly. + +"He did," said Marian; "he said Mr. Lyddell told you so." + +"Was he there?" exclaimed she: "Ah! that was Mr. Lyddell's strong way of +putting things! So unfortunate--forgetting all about him. Poor fellow! I +must go to him directly, and tell him it was no such thing." + +"What? how? O do tell me!" cried Marian, turning and hurrying with her, +and speaking with, such earnestness that Mrs. Lyddell could not doubt of +her sympathy now. She slackened her pace, and explained that what the +surgeon, had said was, that there was confirmed disease, and of a very +serious character, but the precise nature could not be ascertained till +it had made greater progress, and it was then possible that it might +prove capable of removal. + +Mrs. Lyddell was resolved that neither herself nor any one else should +believe anything but what was most hopeful. She could not have borne +it otherwise. She really was far from being indifferent to any of her +children, though multiplicity of occupation, and thoughts, engaged on +what she considered the welfare of the family, had prevented her +from being properly attentive to all, and she was so accustomed to +uninterrupted prosperity, as to have almost forgotten that there was +such a thing as anxiety or misfortune. Lionel, neither the eldest nor +the youngest, healthy, and independent, neither remarkable for beauty +nor grace, just unruly enough to be provoking, and just steady enough to +be no cause of anxiety, had been as much a cipher in the family as a One +lively boy could be; but though slow to be roused into anxiety, she felt +it with full force when it came, all the motherly affection, which while +secure had appeared dormant, revived, she was dreadfully shocked, and +would have been utterly overwhelmed by the accusation of neglect, had it +not been for her sanguine spirit. In this temper she represented all to +Marian in the most cheering light, and hastened up stairs to do the same +to Lionel. Marian, relieved and hopeful, was waiting to collect some +properties of hers, to carry to her room, when she met Mr. Lyddell. She +went up to greet him, and thinking that he looked very mournful, there +was more cordiality and fellow-feeling in her way of addressing him than +ever there had been before, though she simply said "Good morning" and +shook hands. + +"You have heard about it, Marian?" said he. "Has he been with you, poor +fellow?" + +"Yes," said Marian, "he is in his own room now." + +"Ah! you spoke long ago," said Mr. Lyddell; "I wish we had attended to +you." + +"It was Edmund who remarked it," said she. + +"Ay, ay, and senseless it was not to attend. Then it seems that +something might have been done, at any rate he would not have gone on +injuring them with his work at Eton, but now it is as good as a lost +case. Poor fellow!" + +"O!" exclaimed Marian, thrown back again, "I thought there was a hope +that it might not prove to be the worst." + +"There is just a shade of chance that it may turn out otherwise, and +that, your mother--Mrs. Lyddell I mean--takes hold of, but I have not +the slightest hope. The surgeon said, it had all the appearance of a +confirmed case, such as cannot be removed." + +Marian stood aghast, and Mr. Lyddell, with a sort of groan, most painful +to hear, passed her, and shut himself into his study. The only thing she +could think of doing, was to pour out her dismay and compassion in a +letter to Gerald, and she repaired to the schoolroom for the purpose of +writing, but she had not been there long, before Lionel came in, and sat +down astride on the music-stool, just as he used to do, but with a very +different expression of countenance from the wild, reckless spirit of +merriment which used to possess him. He sat and meditated for a little +while, then exclaimed, "Marian, whom have you seen since I left you?" + +"Nobody but Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell." + +"Did you hear papa say anything about it?" + +"Yes, a little." + +"Did he say what the doctor thought of it?" + +"Yes." + +"Tell me the very words," and he leant his elbows on the table, looking +at her fixedly. + +"Ah! Lionel, can you bear it? They are so very sad." + +"Tell me them, I say." + +Marian looked down, as if she could not bear to meet his countenance, +and faltered as she repeated them. + +"Ay!" said Lionel, springing up, and flinging himself round +passionately, "I knew it was humbug all the time!" + +"What? How? O Lionel, what have I done?" + +"As if I was a fool or a baby, to be fed with false hopes," proceeded +Lionel, sitting down, and hiding his face on his crossed arms on the +table; "she might have let that alone, she has done me mischief enough +already." + +"Lionel," said Marian, firmly and gravely, for she was really shocked at +his tone, "you must not come to me, if it is to speak in such a manner +of your mother." + +"Very well," said Lionel coldly, rising up to leave the room, then +pausing just as his hand was on the door, "I thought _you_ did feel for +me, Marian." + +"O Lionel, dear Lionel," and she sprang to him, to lead him back to his +seat, but he still retained his hold of the lock and would not move; +"you know"--her tears were flowing--"you know how I grieve for you; but +if you are in trouble, that ought not to make you do wrong," He was +turning the lock, and hardened his face, but Marian went on, "Don't go, +Lionel, only hear me. Mrs. Lyddell is very unhappy about you, and I am +sure you must see yourself, that if she blames herself for any want of +care, her only comfort must be in hoping for the best, making the most +of this little ray." + +"Then _you_ think there is a ray!" interrupted Lionel. + +"So far as that nothing is certain, but I am afraid it is so slight, +that you had much better not trust to it, but settle your mind to bear +whatever may come." + +"Very easy talking! If you had but to do it!" cried Lionel, impetuously +wrenching the door open in spite of her gentle resistance, and running +off determinately, leaving her, poor girl, in great despair, at having +so completely failed either in comforting, softening, or bringing him to +any kind of resigned feeling, having besides vexed him, made him think +her unkind; and though this was unintentional, and might be better for +him, just contradicted what his mother wished him to believe. + +Her distress was too great even for writing to Gerald, and she walked +up and down, thinking what to do, longing to find him some better +comforter, and offering up many a prayer for him, till at last she heard +Caroline and Clara come home, and remembering that happen what might, +she must dress for dinner, up she went, heavily and sorrowfully. + +As soon as she was dressed, she went to Clara's room, feeling that this +would be but kind. Clara was not there, and she hesitated whether to go +on to Caroline's, once her frequent resort. At that instant, however, +both sisters came up together, and hastened to her. "O Marian Marian!" +exclaimed Clara. + +"You know all about it, I suppose," said Caroline. + +"Yea, indeed I do." + +"Come in here," said Caroline opening her door; "I want to know about +him, poor fellow, and how he bears it. Have you seen anything of him?" + +Marian told all she could, without betraying what was confidential, and +did her best to soften Lionel's conduct, by which his sisters evidently +had been disappointed, saying that he had scarcely chosen to speak +to them. Marian explained what was on her mind, how she had, without +intending it, flatly contradicted Mrs. Lyddell's cheering assurances, +regretting it much, as injustice towards Mrs. Lyddell, but of this, +Caroline thought little. + +"Mamma is always sanguine," she said, "and it was only her colouring +that made Lionel think her account hopeful. It must be better for him, +poor fellow, to know the truth, than to have his mind unsettled with +vain hopes. O dear! O dear! how sad it is, and at his age too! It breaks +one's heart to think of it." + +All coldness and distance had left Caroline's manner in speaking to +Marian, and this was a great comfort, in the midst of their troubles. + +A very uncomfortable time it was, which thus commenced. Lionel was a +good boy on the whole, with right principles, and some seriousness of +mind, but he was far too undisciplined to meet patiently such a trial +as this. He had pride, and a high spirit, and this made him assume a +bearing, which was a good deal admired in the family, trying to carry +it off with a high hand, never openly uttering a word of complaint, and +seeming as if he would rather die than directly express the miserable +despairing feelings within, though, poor boy, he little knew how +evidently they showed themselves in his gloomy silence, his outbreaks of +temper, and his almost desperate, defiant spirit of independence. + +His father and mother, not understanding him in the least, managed, in +the revulsion of feeling which made him now the first object in the +family, to try his temper perpetually. He had in former times, missed +their demonstrations of affection, though healthy, high-spirited, and by +no means sentimental, the craving had been only occasional, he had done +very well without them, and had gained habits of freedom incompatible +with being petted. He had never been used to be interfered with, and +could not understand it at all; and that remembrance of past neglect +embittered all his feelings. + +Mr. Lyddell had just found out, as Marian had thought long ago, that +Lionel was the flower of his flock, the one of his sons, who alone +united spirit and steadiness, for the emigration scheme had shown a +degree of sense, enterprise, and consideration which had at the time +pleased and surprised him, and now added much to his sense of the +promise lost. He laid all the blame of the neglect on his wife, but he +did not lament it the less keenly. His extreme kindness and solicitude +for the boy, were, to those who compared them with his general +character, quite affecting, but unluckily they displayed themselves is a +way which harassed Lionel very much, for he treated him as if he fancied +him completely blind already, cautioned him, guided him, and looked +anxious, if he did but walk across the garden alone; whilst Lionel, +who could see quite well enough for all ordinary purposes, was teased, +reminded of his troubles, and vexed above measure by having notice +attracted to his defect of sight. + +In the main, however, he owned that his father was kind, and sorry for +him, though each particular instance annoyed him; but it was much worse +with his mother, for her petting was more minute, more constant, and +such as would have been worrying to any boy in full health, even if it +had not, as in poor Lionel's case, been connected with the dark future, +and with a past, which had sadly soured him against her. He was always +rough and morose with her, rebelling against her care, never wakening +into affection, or showing pleasure in what she proposed, though she +continued to press on him her attention, with uunwearied assiduity. + +His sisters were treated much in the same manner; Clara made him cross +with over care, and Caroline, though showing better judgment, and much +real tact and affection, was also kept at a distance, and often harshly +answered. Marian too, was quite sufficiently like a sister to come +in for many an unreasonable fit of rudeness, and temper when it was +perfectly impossible to find any means of pleasing him. + +Indeed such unoccupied days as his were in themselves a trial of good +humour. Idleness was very pleasant in the holidays, but his was too +active a spirit to bear it for long together, especially when it left +room for such anticipations as those for which his hopes of a Bush life +were exchanged, Yet he treated offers of reading to him as insults, and +far less would he endure to learn any occupation that might serve him +when his sight should be quite gone; he professed to hate music, and +lounged about disconsolately in the house or garden. Now and then, if +he found the young ladies reading on their own account, he would be +beguiled into listening and being amused, and their ingenuity was often +exercised in appearing to be doing it naturally, and he sometimes took +part in conversation, and thus had his attention withdrawn from his +misfortune; but it was not often that his moodiness of manner could be +charmed away, unless strangers were present, when he thought it a point +of honour to seem at his ease and merry. + +After luncheon, he liked best to ride, but against this, Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell set their faces, persuaded that it must be very dangerous. This, +Lionel thought the height of unkindness; he could ride just as safely +as in the holidays; and it was too cruel to make him give up the one +pleasure he best liked, while he was still able to enjoy it, and though +not sufficiently familiar with them to attempt any remonstrance, he +became doubly discontented and sullen. He would not walk with the girls, +but wandered far away over the downs by himself, often not coming back +till very late, and till both his parents had been in some alarm. At +last, after about a week, Marian ventured to expostulate; she prevailed, +and he was allowed to resume his rides, under a restriction that it must +never be alone. Now, taking a servant with him was an avowal of his +misfortune which he never would endure; so Marian, who never in her life +was afraid of what any horse could do, became his companion, and rode +out with him a good deal, feeling him indeed a charge, but not nearly so +heavy a one as her cousins fancied. + +Still, though not afraid of accidents to him or to herself, these rides +were almost a subject of dread to Marian, daily as was their occurrence, +for it was then that poor Lionel made up for the reserve he exercised +with all the rest. If she could have done him any good, it would have +been a different thing, but surely, the world did not contain, as she +thought, a worse comforter than herself; for day after day, answer +as she would, came the same sad strain of regrets, and laments over +vanished plans, repelling every attempt at leading him to resignation, +and only varied by the different moods in which he would sometimes look +on his case as hopeless, and sometimes be angry with her for assuming +that it was so. Still worse were the complaints of his parents, in +which he would indulge after each fresh provocation, or rather, what he +thought so, though she never gave him the least encouragement to talk +in this manner, argued for them, and often blamed him; yet do what she +would, he never was convinced. The same battle on some other ground was +sure to recur, often the next day, and Marian, right as she knew she +was, never felt as if she had the victory; for five times out of six, it +was in a surly, impatient manner that he turned away from her, as they +dismounted. She often wondered whether she ought to let him go on thus, +whether it was right in her, if it did him harm, by confirming all his +unpleasant feelings, or whether it might not be worse for him to let +them rankle in his heart instead of pouring them out. It seemed too +unkind to silence him, when he fancied such talk a comfort, and she was +the only person in his confidence, yet what was right? what was good for +him? Her head ached with the self debate; she felt positively worn and +depressed, with the continued useless, harassing conversations; she knew +he was beyond her management, yet, with all her doubts, she was too +tender-hearted to vex him; she let him go on and only combated each +point, instead of refusing to listen. + +Why would not Walter come home, the only true comforter Lionel was +likely to find, whom he really respected and loved? Walter was by this +time ordained, yet he did not propose coming home; indeed Marian had +not even heard whether he had written, and she was inclined to think he +could not have been informed of the state of things at home. + +At length, when Lionel had been at home nearly a month, there came one +morning a letter directed to him. His mother and Clara both offered to +read it for him, but he gruffly refused, glanced it over, and put it in +his pocket. He loitered through the morning, and rode with Marian in the +afternoon. As they happened to meet with some entertaining subject of +conversation, the ride was more cheerful than usual, and she hoped she +had escaped the ordinary discussion; but when he helped her to dismount +under the portico, he said, "Don't go in just yet. Come and take a turn +in the plantations." + +Her heart sank at the task that was coming, but she would not disappoint +him, and gathering up her habit, she followed his quick steps. As soon +as they were out of sight of the house, he produced the letter, saying, +"Here, read me this." + +"O! I was in hopes that you could." + +"I thought I could at first, but it was only 'my dear Lionel,' that I +could read. It was all haze after that. There is a step In these three +weeks," he added in a voice meant to be manly and careless. "Come, let +us hear. 'Tis from Walter, is not it?" + +The letter had been written on first receiving intelligence of Lionel's +condition, which had been communicated by his father when he had to +write about something else. Marian, as she read, rejoiced in the letter, +it was so exactly what she wanted to have said, and yet never could +venture on, about regarding the affliction as a cross, and bending to +bear it patiently. She had often felt that here was the best relief, but +she had never dared to set it openly before Lionel, fearing that her +awkwardness, and his waywardness, might lead to his saying something +scornful, which would be worse than all. Here it was put before him in +just the right way, and one to which he must attend, and she watched +eagerly for some token of the way in which he took it. + +He made no remark, however, seeming to hear it as a matter of course +that Walter would say something of the kind. After asking if she was +certain she had read all, and pointing to a few crossed lines at the +head of the first page, to make sure that she had not missed them, he +only said, "Then there is not a word about coming. Well, I do think he +might come when he knows that after this time I shall never be able to +see him." + +"I don't suppose he thinks of that," said Marian--"I mean perhaps +he would not think of your caring for the mere _sight_ of him as a +pleasure." + +"He does not know then," said Lionel, "I am trying to learn all your +faces, and I don't think I shall forget them." + +"I am sure if he guessed you wished for him he would come that instant." + +"I am not going to ask him," said Lionel proudly. + +"What, I really think, is the reason of his stayin away," said Marian, +hesitating, "is about Mr. Faulkner. I think more especially now he is a +Clergyman, he will not have anything to do with him." + +"Ay, ay," said Lionel, "that is a reason good for something. I only +should like to do the same, except that if I was Walter I would have +done more long ago, instead of just keeping out of the way, and told +Caroline it was a regular shame, and she ought not to be taken in with +his fine speeches, and balls, and stuff." + +"I don't know--" said Marian. + +"What don't you know?" + +"How far even Walter would be authorised to interfere about what Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell approve." + +"Don't talk nonsense, Marian. If a thing is right, it is right, if it is +wrong, it's wrong, and all the world ought to try to prevent it. I know +I would, if anybody would mind me, for it makes me sick to see that man +come into the room, and the fuss mamma makes with him. I think he grows +worse. I declare I'd as soon see her marry Julian the Apostate! I am so +glad he is gone to those races. I should like to ask Caroline what sort +of happiness she expects with a man that talks of the Bible as if it was +no better than the Iliad! I only wish he would talk so to her, perhaps +that would shock her." + +"I don't think she is very happy," said Marian. + +"I am sure she ought not to be," was the answer. + +"The more talk there has been of fixing the day the more unhappy she has +looked," said Marian. "You know she has begged the Faulkners to let it +be put off a little longer, because she could not bear that it should be +while you are in this doubtful state." + +"I did not know it," said Lionel, "and much good does it do me! A nice +life I shall have with no one but Clara to speak to! And when is your +marriage, Marian? Mr. Arundel's, I mean, for that is as bad." + +"O that will not be till next summer," said Marian: "Mrs. Wortley wishes +Agnes to be twenty-one first, and Edmund has to build a house." + +And Marian was ready to forgive them for the delay when she saw how +glad it made Lionel look. Yes, rejoiced as she must be to escape from +Oakworthy, she could not go without a chequered feeling. If she was +adroit at managing people, she would make Clara take the place she held +now with Lionel, which would be good for both, but she was far too +clumsy to bring that about; and O! what a refuge Fern Torr would be +after all this harassing life! It would be better for Lionel not to have +her to divert his confidence from his own family, and at any rate she +should be there to help him through this sad autumn of uncertainty. Then +would come the peace, rest, and guidance she had longed for all her +life, in her own home, and that hope might well cheer her through life. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + "The brass, by long attrition tried, + Placed by the purer metal's side, + Displays at length a dingy hue, + That proves its former claim untrue; + So time's discerning hand hath art + To set the good and ill apart." + + +Lionel's affliction had certainly tended to lessen the gulf which the +engagement with Mr. Faulkner had made between Caroline and Marian. +Caroline was very anxious about her brother, and knowing that Marian had +his confidence, was continually coming to her for reports of his state +of mind and spirits, and with despairing questions as to what was likely +to please him,--questions which Marian was quite unqualified to answer, +and which were curious, since she had no tact, and Caroline had a great +deal. + +Thus it came to pass, that nightly sittings by each other's bed-room +fire were renewed, and long consultations took place, always at first +about Lionel, but sometimes branching to things in general, even as in +the olden time. Caroline was, however, very unlike what she had been a +year ago, when as Marian full well remembered, they had first talked of +Mr. Faulkner's visit. She was gayer in public, but her spirits were very +low when alone with Marian; and now and then the conversation flagged, +till she sat for full half an hour, her head on her hand, without a +word. At first she would try to excuse such a reverie, by calling +herself very tired; but as days went on, and it recurred, she smiled +as she woke from it, and told Marian "it was such repose to be with a +person who would let her be silent." + +There was much confidence in such silence. Marian began to grow even +more sorry for her than at first, because it was impossible to continue +to be angry; and tried in every way to show her kindness, becoming, +unconsciously, much more demonstrative in affection than ever she had +been before. On the day on which Lionel received the letter mentioned +at the end of the last chapter, Caroline came into Marian's room at +dressing-time; and after lingering about a little, she said, "Could +Lionel read that letter to day?" + +Marian shook her head sadly. + +"He brought it to you, then?" sighed Caroline, "Ah! I saw who it came +from." + +She looked wistfully at Marian, as if longing to hear something of the +letter, though she would not ask; and Marian, though much touched, was +determined against saying one word about it, however indifferent, as +she felt that, without Lionel's consent, she ought to be as mute as the +paper it was written upon. Caroline paused, then continued, "Do you +think he will ask you to write his answer for him?" + +"No, I think not. You know he wrote a note to Gerald in one of my +letters the other day. I dare say he will always be able to write; Mrs. +Wortley has a blind friend who does." + +Caroline did not answer, but gazed at the fire for almost ten minutes. +At last she said, "Poor Walter! I wonder what he is doing." + +"I am sure he must be making himself very useful," said Marian. + +"That is one thing we may be sure of," said Caroline, smiling +mournfully. "Walter is excellent wherever he is; but O, Marian," +continued she, in a voice of inexpressible sadness, "who would have told +me, a year ago, that all I should hear of Walter's ordination would be +in the newspaper?" + +Marian could make no answer but some sound expressive of sorrow. + +"He has only written to me once since--since June!" proceeded Caroline, +in the same utterly dejected tone. + +Then Walter had remonstrated, which was a great comfort to Marian, by +restoring him to his place in her estimation. Still she maintained her +expressive silence, and Caroline went on after another interval. "You +and he have been consistent from the first, Marian." + +At that moment Fanny came in, and no more could be said, for Marian +was obliged to dress for dinner in a hurry. She took an opportunity of +saying to Lionel that evening, something about the pleasure it would +give Caroline if he would tell her about his letter. + +"What! you have been telling her about it?" said he, in a tone of great +vexation; "that is always the way with women--no trusting them!" + +"No, indeed, Lionel, I said not one word; but she saw it was Walter's +writing." + +"And you went and told her I could not read it?" + +"If she asked me, what could I do but speak the truth?" said Marian +gently; but he only made an impatient exclamation. + +"I gave not the least hint of what it was about," added Marian, +pleadingly. "Of course I could not think of that, nor she either; but +she looked as if she did so long for some news of Walter: she has not +heard from him since the summer." + +"That is her own fault," said Lionel, in his surly voice. + +"That only makes it the worse for her. She is so much out of spirits, +Lionel; and if you would only tell her that part about his schools and +his lodging, I am sure she would be so much obliged to you." + +"I shan't do any such thing," was his reply; "I always keep my letters +to myself, and I wish you would not talk about me." + +He turned sharply away, and crossed the room; but his temper was not +improved by the consequences of his stumbling over a footstool which had +been left full in the way, and in rather a dark place, where it would +have been a trap for any one. He recovered in an instant without +falling; so that it would not have signified if Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell +had not both been startled. The former issued an edict that no +stumbling-block should be left in the way, and the latter entered upon +an investigation as to who had been the delinquent in the present case, +so as to make a great deal of discussion of the very worst kind for +Lionel. + +Thenceforth the evening was uncomfortable. Marian felt as if she +was guilty of all, and was extremely provoked with herself for that +blundering way of driving at her point, which made things worse when she +most wanted to set them right. She had not comforted Caroline, and +she had led poor Lionel to fancy his confidence betrayed, and himself +discussed and--as he would call it--gossiped about. No wonder he looked +as if she had been injuring him; yet, unjust as it was, she had only her +own mal-adroitness to blame. A person of tact would have smoothed it all +at once, instead of ruffling everything up. + +The tact Marian longed for is a natural talent; the consideration, the +delicacy of feeling, that she really had, were a part of her sterling +goodness, such as may be acquired by all; and her thorough truth, +trustiness, kindness, and above all her single-mindedness, had a value, +where she was really known, which weighed down, in the long run, all +that was involuntarily against her in manner, and won her not only +esteem, but such warm affection, such thorough reliance, as neither she +herself, nor those who felt it could fathom. Tact is an excellent thing, +but genuine love to our neighbour, seeking to show true kindness, +delicacy, and consideration,--striving in fact to do as it would be done +by,--is as much more precious, as a spiritual gift is than a natural +quality. + +That very night, as Marian was sitting in her own room in her +dressing-gown, pondering on these unfortunate blunders, there was a +knock at her door, and in came Caroline. Sitting down by the fire, she +held out a letter on two or three sheets of closely written notepaper. +"Read that, Marian," said she, turning her face straight, to the fire as +she gave it. + +It was from Walter, and the date showed that it had been written, +immediately on receiving the announcement of Caroline's engagement. +It was grave, earnest, and affectionate; not accusing Mr. Faulkner of +anything, not positively objecting to him, but reminding Caroline of the +solemnity of the duties she was about to undertake, and of the extreme +danger of allowing herself to be so attracted by agreeableness of +manner, or led on by the opinion of those around her, as to forget that +the connection she was about to form was to last for life, and that she +must be responsible for the influence her husband would exercise on her +life here, and therefore on her life hereafter. He said he was sure she +could not enter lightly on such an engagement, and therefore trusted +that her own mind was thoroughly convinced that she had chosen one +who would be a guide, an aid, and a support in the path that all were +treading. + +It was exactly Walter's way, as Marian well knew, to manage to say, in +his simple, and as he thought, guarded manner of representing things, +what to sharper people had very much the air of irony; and as she gave +back the letter, her observation, as the first that would occur, was, +"It is very like Walter." + +"Very," said Caroline. + +"Did you answer him?" + +"I wrote again, but--but"--her voice began to fail--"it was not an +answer. I would not seem to understand him. I wrote a lively, careless +sort of letter, and only said papa and mamma were delighted, or +something of that kind. And O, Marian, Marian, he has never written to +me again, and I have deserved it." She burst into tears. + +"But why don't you write now? He must be very anxious to hear of Lionel, +and there is no one to tell him." + +"I cannot," she replied; "I cannot, while--while he thinks of me as he +must--as he ought!" She wept bitterly, and Marian stood by perplexed and +distressed. "Dear Caroline," was the utmost that she could say. + +"Marian!" cried Caroline, looking up for a moment, then hiding her face +again--"I would give anything in the world that he had been at home last +summer; or that you had slept at High Down that night." + +A flash of hope and joy came across Marian. "If you think so," she +began, but Caroline cut her short. "I know what you mean, but that it? +impossible, quite Impossible--decidedly so," she added, as if these +assurances were to strengthen her own belief in its impossibility, and +not arguing, from a consciousness that her friend would overthrow every +one of her arguments. "I don't know what made me come to you, and tease +you," said she, rising and taking her letter; "good night." + +"Tease me! O, Caroline, Caroline, you know--" + +What she knew was lost in a most affectionate embrace; but Caroline +would not stay any longer, and left Marian as usual, regretting +everything that had passed. + +The nest night, however, Caroline came again, as if there was some +irresistible spell that drew her to Marian. It was Sunday, and Marian +had long since observed that on such days Caroline was always most out +of spirits. She sat down, and let a long time pass without talking; but +at last she said, "Marian, it is very kind in you to let me come and sit +here. You cannot--no--you will never know how wretched I am." + +"My dear, dear Caroline, if I could but do anything for you! but," she +proceeded, gathering resolution from her day's reflections, "you are the +only person who can do anything for yourself." + +"Impossible!" repeated Caroline. + +Marian was not exactly silenced, but involved in deep considerations +as to the propriety of interfering, and whether attempting to persuade +Caroline would be doing evil that good might come. Before she had made +up her mind,--as, indeed, how could she in five minutes come to a +conclusion to which hours of previous perplexity had failed to bring +her?--Caroline spoke again, "If it had but never begun! but now it has, +it must go on." + +"I don't know--" + +"It must, I tell you!" repeated Caroline. "If it had all to begin over +again, it would be very different. O, if it was but this time last +year!" + +"But Caroline, Caroline," repeated Marian, carried away by the thought +that rose to her lips, "only think; you say now if it was this time last +year--now, while you can escape. Shall not you say so all the more when +it is really too late,--when you will wish you had drawn back now?" + +"You have no right to say I should wish, that!" said Caroline, offended. +"You don't know what the love is that you are holding so cheaply." + +"I beg your pardon, Caroline," and Marian was thrown into herself again; +but she thought a little longer, and seeing that Caroline was still +waiting and musing, she ventured on saying, in a timid voice, "Somehow, +I think, it would seem to me that the more affection there was, the more +painful it would all be." + +"You are right there, Marian," exclaimed Caroline, in a voice of acute +feeling. + +It was a strange question that Marian next asked abruptly, on an impulse +sudden at the moment, though it was what she had long eagerly desired to +know. "Do you love him after all?" + +Caroline did not seem vexed by the inquiry, but went on speaking rather +as if she was examining herself as to the answer,--"Love him? I don't +know; sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think not. It is not as +people in books love, and--and it can't be as your Agnes must love Mr. +Arundel." + +A most emphatic "O no!" escaped from Marian, she hardly knew how, as if +it was profanation to compare Mr. Faulkner to Edmund; and perhaps the +strongest proof that Caroline's was not a real attachment, was that she +let it pass. "But then," pursued she warmly, "I am sure he is attached +to me--yes, very much--and--well, and I am glad to see him come into the +room; I like to walk with him. There is no one--no--no one in the whole +world whom I like so well. All my doubts and fears go away at the first +sound of his voice, and I am quite happy then. O, Marian, that surely is +love?" + +"I don't know," said Marian; "I can't fancy love that has not begun with +esteem, with looking up," + +"I do look up!" said Caroline, eagerly. "He is so clever, so sensible, +has such a mind." + +"I did not mean looking up intellectually," + +"Ah! you can live in that way," said Caroline, quickly; "your own people +are all of _that sort_. But you know I should never have had any one at +all to love, if I had begun looking for _that kind of thing_, even at +home." + +Too true, thought Marian, while she answered, "It is a different thing +where you have to begin afresh, and take it voluntarily upon you." + +"Voluntarily!" repeated Caroline; "I am sure my will had very little +to do with it. I found myself in the midst of it, without knowing how, +before I had made up my mind one way or the other. O, Marian! if you had +but been with me that morning." + +"Would that have prevented you?" + +"I do really believe it would. You would have looked as if you thought +it so impossible, that I should have been strengthened up to do +something they could not have taken for consent. I'll tell you all about +it, Marian, from the beginning, and you will see how little free will I +had in it, and how distracted I am now." + +Caroline went through the whole story, incoherently, and often only half +expressing her sentiments, and passing over what Marian knew already. +It seemed that she had been pleased with Mr. Faulkner's agreeableness, +flattered by his attention, and entered upon the same sort of +intercourse with him as with any other pleasant acquaintance. It would +never have been her way, brought up as she had been, to shrink from him +with such shuddering aversion as Marian did, simply from what she had +heard of his opinions. He was so agreeable, that it was just as well +quite to forget that, or only half to believe it. Then came the growing +perceptions of his intentions towards her, and of her mother's triumph +in them. But this was not till the archery arrangements were so far +advanced, that she could not have drawn back from them; and she was, +besides, in a whirl of gaiety and excitement that left little time for +serious thought: that she put off till his offer should be made, if it +was really coming. It came, and when she did not expect it. She knew +not what to do she was too confused for consideration. The next day was +bewilderment, and in the evening she found herself engaged. The new +sensation given her by her lover's affection, her genuine admiration of +his personal superiority, and wonder at herself for having attracted +such a man,--her gratitude to his family for their kindness, the triumph +of her parents,--all formed such a mixture of pleasurable, almost +intoxicating feelings, as at first to giddy her, (or, as the French will +express it, _l'etourdir_,) as to what she had done, and what she +was about to do. Marian's grave, still face, and omission of one +congratulatory, even of one sympathetic word, were indeed witnesses; but +the impression of her unaccommodating ways was then recent, and +Caroline thought of her as one who showed goodness to be unpleasing and +impracticable, and looked on her silent disapproval as part of that +system of severity in which, she was consistent, but which her conduct +only proved to be absurd and unreasonable. + +In the same spirit Caroline disregarded Walter's letter,--only a letter, +which could therefore be laid aside, and which, in truth, did not say +all he meant as forcibly or as well as it might have been said, since, +as every one knew, Walter was more good than clever. A tenderness of +feeling, reminding her that Walter loved her, would not let her destroy +the letter, or be offended; but she intrenched herself in her parents' +satisfaction, and being resolved not to attend to it, she would not seem +to understand it. So time passed; at first she was really not exactly +happy, but possessing what passed very well for happiness with herself +and every one else; then came a time when an effort became necessary to +persuade herself that she was so. It was not that Mr. Faulkner showed +his character more openly, or startled her with any such plain +expressions as had so much shocked Lionel; for he held that most subtle +and perilous of all views partaking of unbelief,--that Christianity was +the best and most beautiful form of religion yet promulgated, that it +was all very well now for women and weak-minded people, and it was a +step to some wonderful perfectibility, which was a sort of worship of an +essence of beauty and intellect. + +He did not say such things to her, but they were the principles on which +all his sentiments were founded: and as she knew him mire and more +intimately, compared and discussed their tastes and likings, and the +grounds on which they were formed, there were tokens, which could not +help now and then showing themselves, of those opinions of which Marian +had warned her. + +Very slow was she to admit the conviction, for she was growing much +attached to him; and whenever he praised the beauty, the poetry, the +morality, the majesty of anything belonging to religion, she caught at +it and silenced all her doubts with it,--hoped she had silenced them for +ever,--but the perception would return that it was only the beauty that +he praised, because it was beauty, and struck him as such. Shade upon +shade, imperceptible in itself, but each tint adding to its depth, +the cloud of misgiving darkened, and though she tried to fight it +off,--though she told herself it was too late,--though she was very +angry with herself for it, there it still hung; and the ever-present +consciousness of Marian's disapproval heightened it, till in impatient +moods she began to dislike Marian, and wish her out of the house, + +Then came the news of Edmund Arundel's engagement, rousing Marian into +such a glow of warm-hearted delight, as to waken Caroline to a complete +sense of her power of affection, as well as of the contrast of the +manner in which she regarded the prospects of her two friends. Caroline +grew more unhappy, and strove both against her own growing wretchedness, +and an almost magnetic attraction, which drew her to impart it all to +Marian, in spite of the chill with which it would be first met, and of +the advice which could never be taken; whilst a yearning, longing desire +for the long-suspended intercourse with Walter, and a sense of his +displeasure, formed no slight portion of her miserable feelings. The +arrangements for her marriage she looked on as part of her destiny,--at +any rate, they occupied her mind; and there would be an end, after that, +of these dreadful and vain doubts. + +In the midst of all this, poor Lionel's threatened misfortune gave +Caroline, as it were, a glimpse down a long dark road, where nothing had +ever yet caused her to look; yet who could say whether it might not +be her's to tread it? Affliction, sickness, sorrow, death, certain at +last,--there was but one stay in them; and what if she should lose +it,--if she was losing it already? I She thought of bearing them with +_him_,--of the hollowness, the fallacy, the utter misery of trying to be +sustained by aught that had not its foundations firmly fixed beyond the +grave,--of not looking as sorrow as fatherly chastisement. (Caroline +hardly yet entered into its still higher claim,) or at death as the gate +of life. And O! if she loved him as her husband, what would it be to see +him die, thinking, or even having thought, as he too surely did? All the +train of fallacies about sincerity rather than forms of faith,--all the +hopes that he might yet be brought to see the truth, and that she might +be the means, were only soporifics for a moment, which failed to still +the ever growing agony. She knew there was nothing in them, and that +they were only extenuations; but still, amid all her unhappiness, there +was a resolution to persevere, a want of moral courage which determined +her to go on, and enter on such a life as this, rather than go through +all that would ensue on an attempt to break off the match. Thus, though +her reluctance was increasing, and she now sought to put off the +decisive day, instead of precipitating it, as at first, all she +attempted was to have the wedding deferred in consequence of her +brother's condition; and though, logically taken, there was no great +reason in the request, every one agreed it was a very amiable feeling, +and so her desire was complied with. She would have avoided Marian more +than ever, but this could hardly be, now that her cousin was in fuller +sympathy, with all the family than she had ever been before; and little +as was her immediate power with Lionel, Caroline would have given worlds +even for that. Thus, as has been shown, the old sympathy grew up again; +the root, blighted months ago, shot out once more, and at last accident +and impulse led Caroline to do what she had little expected ever to have +done,--to pour out all her griefs, cares, and doubts to Marian, knowing +all the time what she would say, and resolved against her advice, yet +irresistibly impelled to go on, as if talking would relieve her of her +burthen, and resting on the solid, firm truth of that deep love, which +manifested itself by few tokens indeed, but those were of extreme worth. + +The confession was a perplexity and a sorrow to Marian while it was +being made, though she was very glad it had been done; and how intense +were the affection and compassion for Caroline that filled her heart is +beyond all power of narration. She answered with earnest sympathy, at +each step helped out the broken words, and showed her comprehension of +the pauses. She was a perfect listener in all but one respect; she +would not give the counsel Caroline wanted; and she would not have been +Marian, she would not have had her own reality and bracing severity, if +she had. She could not cheer Caroline up, bid her banish fear, and look +forward to happiness; she could not even tell her there was no help for +it: she only said, "I don't know," and sat considering whenever Caroline +reiterated that it was impossible, and too late. + +Some power those "I don't knows" had beyond eloquence; for when Caroline +had seven times fully proved how entirely out of the question any +attempt to escape from her destiny would be, she ended by asking, in +quite a different tone, "What would you have me do?" + +The reply was, of course, "I don't know;" but this was immediately +followed by a repetition of the former counsel, "Write to Walter." + +Caroline could not--would not; it would be of no use: poor Walter should +not be tormented. If, in his strict sense of right, he chose to come and +try, as he would think, to save her, there would be nothing but uproar +and confusion in the family; and to think of him, with his timidity, +bringing his father's anger on himself for her sake, seemed to her +at the moment beyond all things dreadful. No, no, no, it was utterly +impossible; and therewith the fire being out, and the clock striking +two, Caroline thanked Marian for her kindness, said it was all of no +use, kissed her, and bade her good night. + +Marian thought no good was done, and only made herself very unhappy at +seeing her led, by weakness, to sacrifice herself against her better +judgment. The next night, Caroline came again, and the conversation was +resumed, or rather gone over again, with no more satisfactory result +than before; and so it was the next, and the next. To be comforter and +adviser sounds like a delightful privilege, and so, thought Marian, it +would be, if one could only do it; but to have all the opportunity,--to +have people coming for comfort, and not in the least be able to afford +it, neither to relieve them, nor to be sure that she had not done them +harm was to the highest degree painful and unsatisfactory. And from +Lionel's repinings to Caroline's doubts, she went, suffering for each, +equally unable to console either, and wondering which was the saddest +case. Lionel's was, she thought, far the best, if he would but perceive +it; but then Caroline's might yet be remedied, if she had but strength +for one struggle. All that Marian could do without mistrust, was to pray +for them both, and to pray that she might not be the means of doing them +harm. + +She saw how wrong it would be in her, personally to interfere between +Caroline and her parents' wishes; and it was this that made her adhere +to that one piece of advice, that Walter should be written to, since on +his judgment and sense of right there was the most absolute reliance; +and, both as brother and Clergyman, he was by far the most proper person +for Caroline to consult, or to act for her. + +For three days, however, it was all in vain, Caroline would not write; +and she began to despair, and to grow angry with the feebleness that +would not take one step in the right direction. On the fourth, Caroline, +who the night before had seemed as averse as ever, showed her, as she +crossed the hall on the way to luncheon, a letter directed to +the Reverend Walter Lyddell. Her heart leapt, but as she smiled +satisfaction, she saw Caroline's face so wan, dejected, and miserable, +that she could not make herself too happy. There were other doubts, now +that this point was gained, as to how Walter might be able to manage +Caroline,--whether he would lead her to the right, or unconsciously turn +her to the wrong, by his want of skilfulness; what might be his idea of +her duty to her parents, or to her promise; whether he might think +it right to take upon himself to advise, or whether either he or his +sister, when it came to the point, would have nerve enough to excite +their father's displeasure. + +The only thing Marian thought at all favourable, was that Elliot and Mr. +Faulkner were both at Newmarket, and there was no present appearance of +their coming home. Elliot was likely to make more opposition than any +one else, and Mr. Faulkner's influence was of course to be dreaded. +Indeed, had he been at hand, believing, as Caroline did, in his +affection for her, it was most probable that she would never have spoken +of her misgivings at all, and very possibly have hardly acknowledged +them to herself. + +Caroline's letter had been written on Thursday. It was Monday, and no +answer had come, which caused her to look more worn and dispirited than +before, unable even to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness which she +had hitherto assumed when with the rest of the family. It was a cold, +gloomy, wintry day, with gusts of sleety rain, and no one chose to +attempt going out, except Marian and Lionel, the former of whom was +a systematic despiser of weather, and never was hurt by anything but +staying in-doors, while the latter would rather have done anything than +idle away a whole afternoon as well as a morning in the drawing-room. +Even they thought it too bad for riding; so after making the circuit of +the park, they went into the town, where Lionel wanted to buy a silk +handkerchief. He had been told the day before that his neck-tie was +growing unfit to be seen, he did not choose to ask any one to get one +for him, and it was against his will that he was obliged to take Marian +to secure him from buying "any thing awful," as he expressed it. + +The purchase prospered very well, Lionel hoped that the shopman had not +found out how entirely he trusted to his companion for the choice, and +was proud that his old precaution of substituting a key for a slider at +the gold end of his purse, had saved him from making any mistakes about +the money. They were walking away, arm in arm; it was not yet necessary +to guide him, but Marian thought, beginning now would soften the first +commencement of dependence. And, indeed, even in the holidays Lionel, in +his first tail-coat, had been well-pleased to find himself man enough to +have his arm taken by a young lady. + +A carriage was passing. "There is Walter!" joyfully exclaimed Marian, as +she saw the well-known spectacled face peering from the window of one of +the carriages from the Great Western Station. + +"Walter! what, come at last?" cried Lionel, looking up and frowning in +that painful way that had become habitual to him when he strained his +eyes to see distinctly. Walter had at the same moment spied them, +stopped, thrown the door open, sprung out, and was shaking hands with +them, but scarcely speaking. He turned again to order the driver to go +on and set his things down at the house, and then joined his brother and +cousin, looting very anxiously at Lionel, whose arm Marian had quitted, +and still keeping silence. Marian on her side was very glad; but at the +same time almost overcome by the thought of what this return home must +be to Walter, and feeling a strange, solemn sensation at first meeting +her cousin and companion, after he had become in an especial manner +the servant of the Most High. He was Walter still, Walter with his +near-sighted eyes, and nervous manner, yet he was so much more, and his +clerical dress would not let her forget it for a moment. + +Lionel was the most unembarrassed of the three, he was very glad to +meet his brother, and wishing to show that he could bear his troubles +manfully, he spoke joyously, "So you have thought better of it and come +at last, Walter; I hope it is for a good long time." + +"Only till Saturday," was Walter's answer. + +"Well, that is something, only I can't think why you did not come +before." + +Walter murmured something about having been much occupied, and then +seemed to be watching Lionel too intently to say any more. Marian +thought the brothers would get on much better without her, and, coming +to a cottage, said she wanted to speak to somebody in it. "O Marian, we +will wait for you," said Walter, with a pleading look, and she saw from +his agitated, fidgeting manner, that he was excessively nervous at the +notion of being left to take care of Lionel back to the house. + +"Very well," she said, "I will not be a moment;" and delivering her +message, which had been only devised as an excuse, she walked on with +them, in a sort of despair as to Walter's being of any use. "If he is +afraid to walk home with Lionel," thought she, "what will it be about +stirring up his father? Why cannot people have a little courage?" She +consoled herself by remembering that Walter could not know the degree of +Lionel's blindness, and probably thought it worse than it yet was; but +even if it had been total, she could not see that he need have been +afraid of guiding him in the street and through the park. If it was the +additional nervousness, of disliking to begin on so painful a subject, +that she thought worse than all. Marian being by no means troubled with +nerves herself, had little toleration for women who had them; and none +at all for men. She thought the case lost, and half repented of her +advice to write to Walter, yet she did not know what else she could +possibly have said. Lionel talked on, told who was at home, and what +every one was about, and when Johnny had last been heard of, all in a +bright, lively tone, not exactly assumed, for he was much cheered by +his brother's arrival, and yet partly from the wonted desire of showing +himself happy. Walter did not make much reply, but when Lionel after +saying Elliot was at Newmarket, added, "And Mr. Faulkner is there too, +so you won't have the pleasure of an introduction," he started, and +Marian saw the trembling of his lips. + +Thus they reached the house, and Lionel dashed forward In his own +headlong way before them, to announce Walter's coming. Then Walter +looked at Marian, saying, "Then it is not so bad yet?" + +"O no, it is only that he cannot see anything distinctly; he cannot bear +not to be independent." + +They were entering the hall by this time, and his mother and sisters had +come out to meet Walter, Caroline very white and trembling, and holding +by the back of a chair instead of coming forward; Mrs. Lyddell kissed +him, and seemed more affectionate than usual, for it had been a great +pleasure to her to see Lionel rush in with that animated face, and a +shout such as he used to get into disgrace for. + +Nothing came to pass that evening, there were no private conferences, +and there was nothing remarkable, excepting that Lionel was quite merry +and talkative, and Caroline more silent than ever, seeming hardly to +attend even when Walter was sitting between her and Clara, talking to +Marian and Lionel about the beautiful arrangements of Church and school +in his new curacy. At night she was in such a terrible agitation, +walking up and down the rooms so restless and wretched that Marian, +seriously afraid she would be quite ill the next day, persuaded her with +great difficulty, to go to bed, and did not leave her till very late at +night, when she had read her to sleep. + +It was a, great relief to find her pretty well in the morning, at least +with nothing worse than a headache. She and Walter both disappeared +after breakfast, and did not come down till luncheon time, when she +looked so ill that Mrs. Lyddell was alarmed and insisted on her lying +down and keeping quiet. Then Mrs. Lyddell said that Walter ought to go +and call on Lady Julia Faulkner, and offered to take him there. Marian +looked at him by stealth, and could have gasped for breath, for by what +he did now, she thought she could see what line he would take. + +"Thank you," he said, or rather hesitated, "but don't let me interrupt +your plans. I thought I heard something about--about. Salisbury. I have +something to do there." + +"The girls did talk of wanting to go," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Did not you, +Marian or Clara, which was it?" + +"My watch wants to have something done to it," put in Lionel, whose +father had given him a repeater, which of course began its career by +doing anything but going properly. + +"Well, perhaps it will he as well to go to Salisbury to-day, as Caroline +has this headache. She never likes going there, and she may be able to +go with us to High Down to-morrow." + +So it was settled, and they left the luncheon table. Marian happened to +be the last lady, and whether it was fancy or not she was not sure, but +she thought she heard on Walter's lips, a self-reproachful whisper of +"Coward." + +The expedition to Salisbury, in which Marian was obliged to take part, +prevented her from seeing anything of Caroline till the evening, and +then as soon as Clara was out of the way Caroline rose up, caught hold +of her hand, and exclaimed, "O, Marian, what have you made me do?" then +walked about in a paroxysm of distress, almost terrible to witness. + +"Caroline, dearest, O don't!" cried Marian quite frightened; "do try to +be calm! O what is it?" + +"O it will all be misery!" said Caroline, sitting down and clasping her +hands over her face, "I little knew what it would be when you made me +write to Walter. He says it would be wickedness--yes, those were his +words--he called it wickedness in me to go on with it, as I feel now!" + +"And you mean to--" + +"I cannot tell--I don't know--he must do as he pleases; O it will make +me wild! He must do as he pleases, for I must be wretched either way," + +"Dear Caroline--but O! how much better to be unhappy for the sake of +doing right than when--" + +"Yes, yes--so he said--but O! the horror. It kills me even to think of +what it will be! O, Marian, Marian--" + +"It will be over in time," said Marian; "but O! I am glad you have made +up your mind--" + +"No, I have not--at least I must, I suppose--for after what Walter said +I can't go on. Walter's words would be a dagger--O! I don't know what +they would be, all the rest of my life if I did. No--you and Walter must +have your own way; I am too wretched already to care what becomes of +inc. But he--O Marian, I never can--" + +"If it is right you can," said Marian. + +"You can, but you don't know what you say to me," said Caroline. "Right +has never been to me what it is to you." + +"Yes, indeed it has, dear Caroline, or you would not be making this +struggle now. Indeed there must be strength in you, or you would have +gone on without faltering." + +"Walter said he should never have spoken one word after that first +letter, if I had not begun," said Caroline; "but when he saw my mind +misgave me, and I wanted help, he thought it his duty to come and set +it all before me. O, Marian, he said dreadful things; I did not think +Walter could have been so cruel. O, such things! He made me look at the +Marriage Service, and say how I could answer those things; and he talked +about death and the Last Day. He said it would be a presumptuous sin, +and a profaning of the holy ordinance for me to come to it, knowing and +thinking and feeling as I do. O what things he said! and yet he was very +kind to me." + +"Well, and--" + +"I left it all to him. I knew it would be misery, and I did not care in +what way; but then, Marian, O! worse than all, he said it must be my own +doing." + +"I suppose it must." + +"He said he would help me; but I was the only person who had a right to +do anything! O, Marian, Marian, I wish I could die." + +"It will be over in time!" repeated Marian. + +"Yes, but it will not be over. Mamma, papa, O I shall be reproached with +it for ever; I shall know I have made _him_ unhappy. O would that I +could begin all over again!" + +"You will have comfort at last in having been strong. The greater the +effort the nobler it is! O, Caroline, do only hold out nobly. It is so +glorious to have something to suffer for the sake of doing right!" + +"Glorious!" murmured Caroline, her desponding gaze raised to contemplate +the grand head, fine brow, firm lips, and dark glancing eye, turned up +for a moment in the enthusiastic spirit of self-devotion. That look, +unknowing as was Marian that she wore it, penetrated into Caroline's +soul, and warmed her too with the temper of martyrdom. "Glorious;" she +repeated a second time, and the tone was not so broken and hopeless as +before. + +"To be sure it is!" said Marian, going on with her own thoughts, "and it +is so seldom people can ever partake of it, in ever so slight a degree, +in these days; I always think it so beautiful where the account is given +of the Apostles' great joy when they found a persecution was really +going to begin." + +"Persecution--yes, real persecution." + +"And every suffering for the sake of the truth, for conscience' sake, +must partake a little of that, I suppose," said Marian reverently. + +There they were interrupted by Clara, who came to call Marian down +stairs. Caroline came too, which the others had not expected. She was +more calm and composed, and her headache was supposed by her mother to +account for her want of spirits. She went to bed early, begging Marian +to come and visit her when she came up. Marian contrived to do so as +soon as possible, and found her already in bed, quiet and comfortable. +"Marian," she said, "I have made up my mind. Now read to me, if you +please." + +She was worn out with agitation and sleeplessness, and soothed with +having come to a determination, she soon fell asleep, and Marian went +to her own room, wondering over the part Walter had acted, and what he +might be going to do next, whether he had led or driven his sister, and +how far the courage of principle would avail to subdue natural timidity. + +Caroline was pretty well the next morning, but the time was broken up in +various ways, so that it was not till the afternoon that she could see +Walter again in private. Lionel was considerably disconcerted when he +found himself left to Marian. He had no notion of what was going on, had +believed Walter's return to be entirely on his account, and was much +disappointed at not having more of his company; for though both had been +of the party to Salisbury, one had been outside the carriage and the +other inside, so that they had not seen much of each other, and this +morning had been interrupted. He was so much vexed and inclined to be +hurt, by what he felt as a slight on his brother's part, that Marian +could not resist telling him what she knew would console him. "I don't +think you will mind it, Lionel, when you know why it is that Caroline +wants him." + +"Ha?" said Lionel, "you don't mean that she has thought better of it, +and is going to send Julian the Apostate to the right about. Eh? You +don't say so. Well, then there is some good in Caroline after all! But +then what should she want of Walter?" + +"To help her, to advise her." + +"Well, if she likes, but I can't see what advice she wants. She has only +got to make him a curtsey and say, 'Very much obliged to you, sir, but I +had rather be excused.'" + +Marian could not help laughing, in spite of her deep feeling on the +matter, and Lionel, who had acted the voice and the curtsey, laughed +too, and then perhaps ashamed of making fun of such an affair, added, +"It is the best news I have heard this long time. What, and that is what +she has been so dismal about these last few days, is it?" + +"Yes, she has been very unhappy indeed. It is a terrible struggle." + +"What? she likes him, does she? Poor Cary! After all I am glad she is +coming right again, she is very good natured, and a great deal too good +for Ju--. Ah! you won't have him called so, I know. They have taken a +good time for it now he is away and Elliot too, but what a tremendous +row there will be about it. Mamma thought it was such a speculation for +Caroline." + +"Yes, I am afraid she will have a great deal to go through." + +"Yes," said Lionel, pondering gravely for some minutes; then asking +"What is going to be done?" + +"I don't know in the least; I believe she is settling with Walter +to-day." + +"Then nobody knows about it yet?" + +There was no more to do but to have the satisfaction of talking over the +engagement together, an occupation which put Lionel into particularly +good spirits, and made their walk very pleasant. In the next glimpse +which Marian had of Caroline, she learnt that Walter had undertaken to +speak to his father that very evening. Caroline looked ghastly white as +she said so in a whisper, but her dreadful agitation seemed to have +left her; she had evidently quite made up her mind, though she said she +believed it would never have been done if it had rested with her to +begin by telling either of her parents. Both she and Marian knew that +nothing but a spirit of moral heroism could have braced Walter to bear +the first brunt of his father's wrath, and she was very much shocked at +her own weakness in suffering it, but still it was much in her to allow +it to be done. + +That the conversation had taken place at night, when all the rest had +retired, was evident to Marian when they met the nest morning from the +very dark, severe loots of Mr Lyddell, from his wife's impatient angry +manner, and sharper, louder voice. Walter was almost absolutely silent, +Caroline went through the forms of breakfast as if she was in a dream, +Lionel frowned, fidgeted, and tried with all his might, poor boy, to +scan the faces which were daily growing more obscure to his vision; even +Clara saw something was wrong, and glanced from one to the other in a +puzzled, alarmed manner When they left the dining-room, Marian heard +Mrs. Lyddell say, "Caroline, I want you." She flew up to her own room, +and hiding her face, as she knelt down, she entreated earnestly that her +poor Caroline might have steadfastness to go through this fearful trial. +She was interrupted by Clara, begging to know what was the matter, if +anything was wrong about Mr. Faulkner; she thought Lionel knew, but when +she him be would do nothing but crow like a cock. Marian would have been +glad if she could have made any equally convenient demonstration instead +of an answer, but she could only say that she had heard nothing of Mr. +Faulkner, and could not tell Clara anything about the matter. + +"Do you know anything?" said Clara. + +"I do know." + +"Ah! you are in all Caroline's secrets now, and that is very odd; you +who used to hate the Faulkners. Well, but are not you coming down?" + +In spite of his cock-crowings, Lionel was very anxious, and when in the +course of that long desultory forlorn morning he was left alone with +Marian, he earnestly asked her what she knew. "Nothing" was her answer. + +"O if Caroline will but hold out!" he exclaimed, "that will be what I +call being good for something! I hope mamma won't be desperately angry, +for that I could stand less than anything, it goes on so much longer +with her than with papa." + +"She will be very much disappointed. O how I wish I knew what is +happening!" + +It was a long time before any intelligence could be gained: Mrs. Lyddell +was very much flushed, and looked extremely displeased when she came +down, hardly speaking to any one but Lionel, and glancing most sternly +at Marian, Caroline did not come down at all, and when Marian was going +up stairs after luncheon, Mrs. Lyddell said with extreme coldness, "Do +not go to Caroline, if you please, I wish her to be left quiet." + +Marian was in great consternation, since it was evident that Mrs. +Lyddell perceived how her influence had been exerted, and was very much +offended, indeed it was no wonder that she should be. Nothing but "very +well" could be said so she quietly prepared to go out. Lionel had his +brother this afternoon and did not want her, so she had only Clara for +her companion full of surmises and of excitement. When she came in and +was on her way to her room, Caroline opened her door. "Marian! O will +you not come to me?" cried she imploringly. + +Marian could not but comply, indeed she had no hesitation, for she +thought Mrs. Lyddell's injunction only applied to the time before she +went out. + +"O, cheer me up, comfort me, Marian!" said Caroline, drawing her +cousin's arm round her waist, "I do want it so much!" + +"You are going on bravely then!" said Marian, caressing her. + +"Bravely!" sighed Caroline; "No, indeed, but I have held firmly so far! +I could not but stand by poor Walter, you know, when he confronted it +all for me! I could not say much--I could only cry--but I took care they +should not think I consented again." + +"And is Mrs. Lyddell very much displeased?" + +"O, don't speak of it, Marian. I cannot bear it." + +The door opened and Mrs. Lyddell entered, and the air of indignant +surprise on seeing Marian called for an answer: "I beg your pardon, I +thought you only meant me not to go to Caroline just after luncheon," +said Marian. + +"I wish matters, such as we have been discussing, to be confined +entirely to our own family," replied Mrs. Lyddell, too angry not to say +something, yet too much afraid of Marian not to say it very courteously. + +"Mamma!" said Caroline eagerly, "only hear me. I assure you that not one +word did Marian ever say to me till I voluntarily went to her a week +ago, because I was so very miserable I could bear it no longer." + +"I should have thought your mother the proper person to go to in such a +case. Miss Arundel's sentiments had so long been visible, that you could +have no doubt of the advice you would receive from her." + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said Marian, collecting herself, and speaking slowly, +"I am very sorry I have appeared to act a part which I know must seem +unjustifiable. I never spoke to--to Caroline" (the remembrance of Lionel +prevented her from saying to any one) "of my opinion of this engagement, +after it was formed, till she came to me for advice, in her distress. I +could not speak against my conscience, and I tried not to forget what +was due to you. I only begged her to write to her brother as the fittest +person to help her, as being a clergyman. I beg your pardon for having +acted against your wishes." So saying, Marian went out, surprised and +alarmed at finding herself in open opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +bewildered as to how she ought to have acted. Her comfort was in looking +forward to the refuge at Fern Torr, and she smiled as she compared Mrs. +Lyddell with her other guardian's future wife. + +Mrs. Lyddell wished her at Fern Torr fully as much as she did. She had +already become jealous of Lionel's preference, and it was too galling to +find the affection of her children stolen from her by that cold, pale, +proud, unprepossessing girl. Had the love been on the part of Elliot or +Walter, Mrs. Lyddell would hardly have regretted it, considering Miss +Arundel's large fortune and high connexions; but nothing was less +probable than this, and Marian's influence over Caroline was at present, +in Mrs. Lyddell's eyes, only a source of mischief. + +Lionel was alone in the drawing-room, and met Marian eagerly inquiring +"What news?" + +"I have hardly seen her. Has Walter told you nothing?" + +"No; he thinks I don't know, and I was not going to let on that you told +me. Is she steady?" + +"Yes, so far." + +"That is right," said Lionel, thoughtfully, "I am very sorry for her, +but I shall think the better of her ever after." + +"Have you been out with Walter?" + +"Yes, we have had a very nice talk." + +Here Walter came down, and began to talk to Marian about schools and +lending libraries. + +It was a strange state of things, with all those different pairs of +confidential friends. Both Marian and Walter were the stay and support +of Caroline and Lionel; yet, though acting in concert, and perfectly +agreed, not saying a word in confidence to each other on either head. +Neither did Walter speak of Caroline to Lionel, nor Lionel, though much +interested for her, speak to her of his affairs or her own. Clara indeed +bestowed her communications on every one, but she got nothing in return +that was satisfactory. Marian was the central point with all except +Walter, but the fulness of her heart was bestowed elsewhere. And, alas! +none saw so little of those young hearts as the parents, who had never +earned their confidence; so that when they turn to them, it was from +duty, as to rulers, not as to counsellors and friends. + +Very sore was Marian's heart that night, when she felt it her duty to +bid Caroline good night in Mrs. Lyddell's hearing, in spite of the +piteous, imploring glance turned upon her. Might not her support make +all the difference now? she thought. No; shame on her for thinking that +she could do more good than He to whose hands Caroline was trusted! +Folly, to dream that her awkward, blundering words could be more help +than the prayers she could pour out alone! + +Yet all these consolations could not prevent poor Marian from being very +miserable, under the dread that Caroline thought her unkind, and felt +herself deserted, after being involved in all this suffering. And O, +should she fail! Walter must go on Saturday, and then she would be left +to fight her battle alone. + +On the Friday the whole house knew what was going on. Mr. Lyddell +himself had a conversation with Caroline, but nothing of it transpired. +It only was evident that she still continued in the same mind, and she +looked more wretched than ever. Marian was anxious to show her affection +and sympathy in her manner, but her anxiety only made her cold, and dry, +and awkward. Clara was excited and puzzled, Walter was hardly spoken to +by father or mother; and when at breakfast on Saturday he spoke of his +departure, the silence that he encountered seemed to express that he had +much better not have come home at all. + +Marian felt fierce with indignation, and Lionel, perhaps by way of +effusion of the same feeling, dashed his chair away from the table, and +called out, "Mind you come back again as soon as ever you can." + +But the dead silence that followed was more painful and marked than it +had been before. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + "The flowers do fade, and wanton fields, + To wayward winter reckoning yields, + A honey tongue, a heart of gall + Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall." + + SIR W. RALEIGH. + + +The Sunday after Walter's departure was a very uncomfortable and +melancholy day. It was very sad to see poor Caroline looking wan and +suffering, and turning now and then a wistful appealing glance at +Marian, as if intreating for the help which must not be afforded to +her; and then at each meeting and parting, Marian was dissatisfied with +herself for having been rendered stiff and dry instead of tender and +consoling, by the very wish to be affectionate, which prevented her from +being at ease. She heard from Clara that Caroline's great desire was to +be allowed to write to Mr. Faulkner on the subject before she saw him +again, whilst he was still in London, and that it was this which her +parents so strongly opposed, convinced that a meeting with him would +renew all her feelings of attachment. Marian dreaded the same, for she +could not think Caroline's resolution sufficient to hold out in sight of +his affection, and of his prepossessing qualities, and at the same time, +every day that the engagement continued made it more difficult to break +it off. + +One comfort was, however, that Lionel's anxiety and interest in +Caroline's affairs, were drawing his attention from his own trouble, and +he was much less irritable and unhappy than before. Perhaps this might +have been in part owing to his conversations with Walter, who could +venture on giving him more lessons on the right principle of endurance +than Marian had ever dared to put before him. She was more pleased than +she had been for a long time, when as they were walking together in the +plantations, after evening service, he said with some abruptness and +yet with some hesitation, "Marian, didn't you once read something with +Gerald in the morning?" + +"Yes," said Marian, sure of what the something meant. + +"Do you do it still by yourself?" + +"Yes." + +"Then I wish----. Would you mind reading to me?" + +"The Psalms and Lessons? O, Lionel, I should be so glad I Only could you +get up in time? for I don't know when to do it except before breakfast." + +"To be sure I could get up in time. I only lie in bed because there is +nothing to do, and nobody to speak to." + +"Well then, will you meet me in the schoolroom at eight o'clock in the +morning?" + +"Very well." + +No more was said, but Lionel kept his appointment. It was, as Marian +guessed a recommendation of his brother's. Walter had asked him to get +one of his sisters to read to him, and Lionel had made the request to +Marian, as his real sister, though he had never told Walter whether he +meant to take his advice. + +The next Sunday, Marian, on coming down after dressing for dinner, was +surprised to find Elliot standing by the fire. He just inclined his +bead, and moved his lips by way of greeting. + +"When did you come home?" said she drily. + +"Half-an-hour ago." + +The answer was brief and with no encouragement to say more. She thought +he looked dark and moody, and, taking up a book, was silent. The next +time the door opened, it was Lionel who entered. He frowned and gazed +up, perceiving the figure but not able to make it out. "Ha, Lionel! How +d'ye do?" said Elliot in a short, gruff, indifferent voice; without +moving or attempting to shake hands, without any token that he thought +of Lionel's misfortune. + +Lionel's equally indifferent tone, "How d'ye do?" was sign enough to +Marian that he was hurt. He came and sat by her, talked fast and low, +and laughed several times in the constrained manner he used to put on by +way of bravado; Elliot all the time taking no notice. The others soon +made their appearance. Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell had seen him before, and to +his sisters his greeting was much in the same style, hardly vouchsafing +any recognition of Caroline at all. + +The cloud was thicker and darker than ever all dinner time. Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell tried in vain to talk, he answered them in a short snappish way +which he was apt to assume whenever his father made any attempt to check +his extravagance. + +The ladies and Lionel were glad to get into the drawing-room, and leave +him and his father to themselves. Tea came and they did not appear, ten +o'clock struck, half-past, and they came not. The ladies were putting +away their books, and thinking of wishing good night when suddenly the +door was thrown open, and in tramped Mr. Lyddell, red with passion, +while behind him came Elliot, with less of violence, but with a dark +scowl of resentment on his downcast and always unpleasant face. + +"Caroline!" began Mr. Lyddell, in a voice of thunder, and great was the +alarm of all, for her sake, as she turned pale and trembled. "Caroline! +You have my full consent to do as you please. You may break with +Faulkner to-morrow, if you like!" + +Some discovery! thought Marian, transfixed with wonder and hope; +Caroline sat still but for her trembling, her face bent down, and her +hands nervously clasped together. + +"Now, sir," proceeded Mr. Lyddell, turning round on Elliot, "you see if +I am the tyrant you would make me. You see if I am going to force my +daughter into a marriage against her wish--sacrifice my whole family +because I have an ill-conditioned scamp of a good-for-nothing son. You +see." + +"I do see, sir," muttered Elliot; "and you'll see whether you like the +consequences." + +Marian thought she had better be out of this family scene, and had her +hand on the door, but Mr. Lyddell called out "Stay here! Marian! I +don't care if all the world heard me. He thinks he can threaten me into +tyranny over her inclinations, and I tell him she is as free as air! I +vow----." + +"Mr. Lyddell! do consider, do think," expostulated his wife; "I daresay +Elliot was a little too vehement a partizan for his friend----." + +"Friend! Pshaw! He care for his friend!" said Mr. Lyddell scornfully. +"'Tis for himself he is a partizan, I tell you. Nothing else does he +care a straw for. 'Tis for nothing but the saving of her fortune that he +would have me persecute his sister into this marriage! Aye! he has the +face to tell me so! and what more do you think he comes and says to me! +Why! that Lionel will be nothing but a burthen for ever! A pretty pass +things are come to when he speaks after that fashion of his own brother! +He cared for his friend, indeed!" + +"No one ever thought of compelling Caroline," pleaded Mrs. Lyddell. + +"But I tell you he did," interrupted her husband. "I told him I was very +sorry, but I could not help it; if she would have her own way, I could +not make her marry the man against her will, and he answers in his +sneering way that it is all nonsense, he would be bound to make her give +up in no time--any man could bring a girl to reason. As if I was to +persecute my daughter to force her into what she tells me is against her +conscience. Better too much conscience than none at all, I tell you, +Master Elliot." + +"We had better bring this scene to an end, sir," said Elliot sullenly. +"We understand each other." + +So saying, he took up his candle and flung out of the room. The girls +were but too glad to escape, and Lionel followed them, leaving Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell to themselves. + +Caroline and Clara both were trembling like aspen leaves, each threw an +arm round Marian's waist, and leant against her as soon as they were +out of the room. She had been startled and trembling before, but their +fright seemed to give her firmness; and it was well, for Caroline's +knees shook so much, and she was so nervous that she could hardly have +reached her room without support. Clara began to exclaim, but Marian +stopped her, made her fetch some camphor julep, helped Caroline to +undress, and put her to bed. Caroline hardly spoke all the time, but +as Marian bent over her to kiss her, and wish her good night, she +whispered, "I may soon be able to have you again, dear Marian!" + +Marian went to bed, wondering at all that had passed, indignant with +Elliot, pleased with Mr. Lyddell, hopeful for Caroline, and cheered by +finding that she had not been thought unkind. + +She heard doors opened and shut, and the trampling of feet the next +morning, and when Lionel met her in the schoolroom for their reading, +he told her that be had been overtaken by Elliot running down stairs at +full speed; and had only just time to clear out of his way. "And hark! +is not there something at the front door? Look out, Marian." + +Marian looked from the window. "Yes! It is his dog-cart. Can he be going +away, Lionel?" + +"Going off in a rage!" said Lionel, looking grave; "I thought there was +mischief in his voice last night." + +"Yes, there is his portmanteau," said Marian, in a tone of +consternation; for little as she liked Elliot, it was too shocking to +see a son thus leave his father's roof. + +"It is a pretty piece of work," said Lionel. "He has been coming it a +little too strong for my father, it seems! Well, poor Caroline will be +let alone, that is one good thing; but I am afraid he will go and get +into some tremendous scrape, if it is only for the sake of spiting my +father." + +"It is very dreadful!" said Marian, sighing. + +"I am very glad my father was so angry, though!" said Lionel. "Wanting +him to drive poor Caroline into it by unkindness! That was a little too +bad!" + +"Yes, indeed," said Marian. "But O! here he comes out of the door with +his cigar. He is getting in! There he goes! O, Lionel!" + +They both were silent for some little time. Then Marian took up the +prayer-book, and began the Psalm, and when she heard Lionel's voice +join in the Doxology, a thrill came home to her, making her feel that +blindness might yet be indeed the blessing to him that faith taught her +to know it must be. How much better to be thus than like his brother. + +When they met the others at breakfast, it proved that they alone knew of +the departure; Mr. Lyddell interrogated Elliot's servant, and heard from +him that he had orders to follow his master to Paris as soon as he had +packed up his goods. This was all that could be learnt, and all that +Marian could make out as to what had passed, was that he had been +strongly averse to Caroline's engagement being broken off, that he +had tried to induce his father to insist upon it, and to drive her to +overcome her reluctance by what could be only understood as domestic +persecution, and that in short he had allowed his unfeeling selfishness +to appear to such a degree, that it had positively revolted his father, +whose displeasure had long been excited by the extravagance that had +been causing serious inconvenience, and who instantly, while under the +influence of his first indignation, resolved to show that he would +not be domineered over, nor sacrifice the rest of the family to the +extravagance which he had already too freely supplied. + +Mr. Lyddell had given his consent while angry, and he could not retract +it when he was cool. Caroline therefore might write her letter as soon +as she pleased. She had nothing to dread from him; indeed, as if out of +opposition to Elliot, he was kinder to her than he had ever been before, +called her "my dear" more than once, and observed on her pale looks. Her +mother spoke little to her, and that little was cold and unkind, while +she looked so vexed and unhappy that even Marian had some feeling for +her, and what must it have been for her own daughter? However, all open +opposition was withdrawn, and Caroline had only herself to struggle +with. There was no reason why she should not once more seek comfort from +Marian, yet all that day she kept at a distance, and it was not till the +next evening that she came into Marian's room, and sinking into a chair, +murmured, "I have done it." + +"Written your letter?" + +"Sent it." + +"O, I am so glad!" + +"Glad?" + +"Yes, but you will be glad when it is over." + +"O!" sighed Caroline, incredulously. "You know nothing about it. +Marian." + +"Every one must be glad to have done right," said Marian, firmly. + +"O what a week it has been! And I have sown dissension in the family! +And no one can tell what may be the consequence with Elliot! And he will +be unhappy! O! Marian--I wish--I wish you had let me go on my own way +and be miserable alone," added she with a kind of anger. + +"It was your own doing," said Marian gently; "you felt it to be right. +Only worse misery could come of your going on, for that would have been +positive wrong; now it must and will get better." + +"I don't know," sighed Caroline. "I never knew till now how much I cared +for him! O, Marian!" and she burst into a hearty fit of crying. + +Marian was perplexed, as she always was when any one cried, and stood +without a word till Caroline had relieved herself by tears, and began to +speak again. It was very sad and melancholy, and it was very difficult +to find anything to answer; Marian could see no consolation but that +"it was right," and that did not seem to have much effect on Caroline; +while, added to the former trouble of renouncing the man who loved her, +and of grieving her parents, there was the dread of what Elliot might do +in his anger. + +However, the being able to pour everything out to so true a friend was +more of a comfort than anything that, could have been said to her. She +told Marian that she had gone through the conversations with her father +and mother better than she could have thought possible. She could not +desert poor Walter, that was one thing that helped her, she must stand +by him, and papa was not half so angry as she expected. It seemed as if +her strength had grown with each occasion for it. The first effort of +writing to Walter had cost her most of all, then the allowing him to +break the matter to her father had been dreadful; but after all, the +conferences with her parents, singly and together, had not been as bad +as the fear of them, and Marian tried to persuade her that it would be +the same when she saw Mr. Faulkner, but poor Caroline shook her head, +and said Marian knew nothing about it. And Marian was much of the same +opinion, and held her peace, but before the end of the conversation she +had the great pleasure of hearing Caroline say, "The thought of being +able to have you again has been the one great help to me through all!" + +Two days after this, as Marian and Lionel were going out riding +together, Marian exclaimed, "I do believe that is Mr. Faulkner!" + +"Where?" + +"Riding on the Salisbury road," said Marian; "I am sure it is his +horse." + +"Don't let us meet him! can't we get out of the way?" said Lionel. +"Aren't we somewhere near the thorny lane?" + +"No, but we might ride off on the Down. Only take care, Lionel; you had +better keep close to me," said Marian, much more unwilling to meet Mr. +Faulkner than to conduct Lionel through the ups and downs of the green, +chalky common. + +She watched and guided his pony up the bank and upon the Down, and on +they trotted fast, for Marian was actuated by a very undignified fit +of terror lest she should meet Mr. Faulkner, towards whom she felt +positively guilty, nor did she wish to be seen fleeing from him. + +"We must be out of sight of the road by this time, aren't we?" said +Lionel. + +"I don't know," Marian turned her head to see. At that moment Lionel's +pony stepped into a hole, stumbled, and when she looked back again, +there was Lionel on the ground. Her head swam with fear, but the next +moment Lionel was on his feet and laughing. + +"Not hurt, Lionel! are you sure?" + +"Not a bit! Is that Sorrel?" + +Sorrel was rushing off with his bridle loose, and Marian began to dread +having Mr. Faulkner's assistance in catching him. "Stand still, Lionel!" +she called, and then riding between Sorrel and the road, she managed to +turn him towards a long hedge that crossed the Down, saw him stop to eat +a tuft of grass, made a grasp at his bridle, but failed, while he dashed +off across the Down, happily not towards the road. + +She called to Lionel, told him of her ill success, and begged him not to +move, while she again pursued the runaway, and a long dance he led her, +far out of sight of Lionel. Once she had considerable hopes, when she +came in sight of a shepherd boy, who stood in amaze at the lady in chase +of the runaway steed, then came up with a run to cut off its course, but +so awkwardly that the pony was still more frightened, and galloped off +in another direction faster than ever! Poor Marian! However after full +half an hour, she succeeded in hunting him into a narrow place between +two fields, ending in a gate, caught safely hold of the rein, kept it +fast, and at length led Sorrel back in triumph to the spot where poor +Lionel stood still patiently. She called out to him as soon as she came +near enough to make her voice heard, and he answered, and walked forward +to meet the dark shapes, which were all that he could see. + +Marian feared that he would be very much mortified at having been +obliged to remain thus helpless, while a girl was doing what he would +have so much enjoyed, and she looked anxiously at his face, alas! she +could look there now without his knowing it. It was disconsolate, but +the look was not bitter. She held Sorrel while he mounted, and she then +apologized for having been so long, and said she feared he had thought +she had forgotten him. He made not much reply, did not even ask how she +had managed to catch the pony. Marian conducted him safely into the road +before she would speak again. He did, however, congratulate himself on +not having been obliged to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner for catching +the pony, as well as on Sorrel's not having gone home to tell the tale +himself. + +"Yes, indeed, they would have been terribly frightened," said Marian. + +"Ay, and if they once knew of my tumble, they would never let us go out +riding again." + +"But, Lionel, we must tell," said Marian. + +"Just like a girl!" grumbled Lionel. "Then there's an end of all our +rides, and all the comfort that I have in life." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "At any rate I can't ride with you, I +should not think it right, unless Mr. Lyddell knew of this fall. It is +my concern and not yours, for it was all through my carelessness." + +"You go on just as if you were a child still," said Lionel, still cross. + +"Well, Lionel, I believe the only way is to manage ourselves as if we +were children still." + +"All very fine," was Lionel's surly answer, and they rode on, while +Marian was very unhappy. She blamed herself for having given way to a +foolish fit of nervous bashfulness, which had led to what might have +been a serious accident to her especial charge. It had further made a +very unpleasant confession needful, and Lionel's vexation and irritation +seemed to have overcome all his late improvement. The thought of what +poor Caroline was going through was enough to stifle everything else, +and Marian wondered at herself, as for a sort of unkindness, in having +been so fully occupied as to have had no time for anxiety. + +Both had been very silent ever since Lionel's reply, until Marian asked +him to strike his repeater. It was half-past five, and they turned +homewards, taking a bye road so as to avoid meeting Mr. Faulkner. And +now Lionel began to talk of Caroline, and wonder how she had sped. He +seemed to throw off his own private troubles as he talked of hers, and +his fit of petulance was melting fast away. At last he made up his mind +to inquire how she had caught Sorrel, and was positively interested in +the narration, laughing at the idea of the scrape they would have been +in if Sorrel had made his way to the road, and Mr. Faulkner had caught +him. + +He said no more about the confession, but it was evident that he had +conquered his annoyance sooner than he had ever done before. Marian had +not theorized on the matter, but if she had she could not have judged +better, for Lionel was far better dealt with by being bold and +uncompromising. It was very strange to have this concern of their own so +much on their minds when Caroline's fate was at its crisis, yet perhaps +it was good for Marian to be thus occupied, since she was apt to suffer +very much from anxiety, as persons of her calm and reserved demeanour +often do. A sickening, throbbing, trembling feeling came over her, +making her temples beat and her hands cold, as she came into the house, +expecting to hear whether Caroline had endured and been true to herself, +and it was well she had not had longer to suffer from it. + +No one was in the drawing-room, and she ran as fast as her trembling +knees would allow to Caroline's room, knocked, received no answer, +opened the door, and saw Caroline stretched out on her bed, in a state +best described by the French word _aneantissement_, for it was not +fainting, but the sort of prostration consequent on the completion of an +effort for which she had wound herself up. She was very pale, her eyes +were shut, and her breath came short. Marian stood watching her in +alarm, wondering whether to speak, and how. At last Caroline looked up, +held out her hand, and drew Marian down on her knees till her face was +level with hers, then put her arm round her neck. + +"Dear Caroline!" said Marian, though it was not easy to say anything, +"you will be happier now." + +A more caressing person would have been much more at ease herself and +given more comfort to Caroline, that must be confessed, but as there was +no one else to be had, Marian was obliged to do her best, and this was +to kiss Caroline timidly and say, "I am so glad you have done right." + +But Caroline only hid her face at the word _glad_ and murmured, "You +never did him justice! You never did!" + +"If it had not been for the want of that one thing he would have been +all right," said Marian. + +"O, he is very noble! he has such a mind! such--such--O, he loved me so +much," and Caroline fell into a paroxysm of silent misery. Marian began +to dread lest the parting had not been final, and though doubtful +whether she ought to ask, could not help saying, "But is it over?" + +"Yes, yes; you have your wish, Marian. It is done! He is angry with me +now! It is over, and I am wretched for life!" + +"Not so wretched as if you had done wrong." said Marian. Caroline did +not turn away this time, and Marian gathered courage to say, "You have +persevered, and now there will be comfort. There will always be comfort +in knowing you have tried to do right. Walter will be so glad, and so +will Lionel." + +"Lionel," repeated Caroline. + +"Yes, he has been very anxious about you." + +"Poor boy!" sighed Caroline. "Well, Marian, there is one thing still to +be done. Only one, and it is all that I shall live for. I shall devote +myself to him, if I can but do anything to please him, and make him care +for me when you are gone. It will be my one object." + +"Yes," said Marian, "it will be very good for you both." + +They were interrupted by Clara, who came in, dressed for dinner, pitying +Caroline, and telling Marian it was very late. Caroline sat up, but she +had a violent nervous headache, and they both persuaded her to lie down +again. + +Marian ran off to dress, and though the dinner-bell rang in the midst +of her hurried toilette, came back to look at Caroline, beg her to keep +quiet, and promise to come up as soon as dinner was over. As she went +down, the other trouble of having to confess their adventure came over +her, but she was resolute, in spite of the want of favour with which she +knew she was regarded. + +Want of favour, evident from the scrupulous formality with which she was +treated; for if she had been like a daughter of the house, as she ought +to have been, would they have waited dinner for her, and let her find +them all looking uncomfortable and expectant in the drawing-room? They +went into the dining-room; there was a silent, formal dinner, nothing +like a family party. As soon as the servants had left the room. Marian +quailing secretly, not from fear of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, but lest +Lionel should lose his rides, began, "I have a confession to make, Mr. +Lyddell," and told the story of the accident, explaining how it was +entirely caused by her carelessness. + +Exclamations and inquiries arose, and Mrs. Lyddell certified herself by +several questions that Lionel had not been hurt, but not one of them was +addressed to Marian. It was as if this was only one among many injuries, +too frequent for a reproach more or less to be needed. Mr. Lyddell did +not take it half so much to heart, and no prohibition against future +rides was issued, for the truth was that no one liked to mortify Lionel. +It was exactly one of the cases in which the whole danger is not +conquered, because it melts at the very aspect of moral courage. + +It was not comfortable to have to walk away to Caroline, knowing how +much she had displeased Mrs. Lyddell; but it must be done, and it was, +at least, agreeable to leave these cold looks. She found Caroline +better, and able to tell her something of what had passed. At first Mr. +Faulkner would not believe her to be in earnest, and had imagined this +was a way of showing her displeasure at his long absence, or some +trifling "lovers' quarrel;" but when he found that she really meant +what she said, and her tears and stifled whispers alike announced her +adherence to what she had expressed in her letter, he became extremely +angry, thought himself, (as indeed he might with some justice) very +ill-used, and though he had retained his gentlemanlike manner and +language, had pretty plainly expressed that Miss Lyddell should have +known her own mind. Poor Caroline wept bitterly, beseeching that they +might not part in anger, but he disavowed all irritation, and took a +cold, courteous leave, which wounded her more than all. + +Marian could not easily sympathise with regrets for such a lover, but +she liked to magnify the sacrifice in order to admire it more, and +greatly rejoiced in being able to give full admiration to one whom she +had learnt to love so heartily as Caroline. Such a triumph over natural +timidity and feebleness of character was indeed a great and gallant +thing, and Marian used to muse and wonder at it in her solitary hours. +There was still much to suffer externally as well as internally; there +was the return of letters and presents, with all their associations; +there was the feeling of the pain and offence given to Lady Julia and +her daughters; there was the perception of the opinions of the world, +and the certainty that all the gossips of the neighbourhood were busy +with their conjectures; there was the continued anxiety about Elliot, +and the marked vexation and displeasure of Mrs. Lyddell, who treated +Caroline as one who had disappointed all her best hopes. + +Under all this there was only Marian to sustain Caroline, and their +friendship was an additional offence. Marian knew that Mrs. Lyddell +regarded her as the head of a hostile party, and a sower of dissension +in the family, by no means an agreeable footing on which to stand; but +the only way, was to appear completely unconscious, and behave as far as +possible as usual. She was grateful to them for making it no worse, and +still more for not having objected to her continuing her rides with +Lionel, from whom, it may well be believed, she scarcely ever took her +eyes, from the time his foot was in the stirrup. + +Lionel was triumphant at the dismissal of "Julian the apostate," but he +was disappointed to find that Caroline did not recover her spirits "now +she had had her own way, and got rid of the man." He did not like to +have her presence announced by a sigh, and to hear the subdued, dejected +tone of her voice, and he used to wonder over it with Marian, who +laughed at him for fancying it was such an easy matter to part with a +lover, yet agreed that it was hard to understand how there could be love +where there was no esteem. Lionel used to consult her as to what was to +be done to cheer his sister, since his mother would only make everything +worse and he could not bear her continued melancholy. + +"I do believe, Lionel," said Marian, "that you could do more for her +than any body else. If you would but sometimes let her do things for +you, ask her to help you, as--as you ask me." + +Lionel would not take the suggestion as she wished. "I thought you liked +to help me," said he, in a somewhat offended tone. + +"O, don't I?" cried Marian, eagerly; "but so does every one, if you +would only allow them." + +Lionel flourished the little switch in his hand till it made an +ill-tempered "_swish!_" and Marian knew that he thought her ungrateful +for the exclusive preference with which he honoured her. + +"She is your sister," she added. + +"Very well," said Lionel, crossly shaking off her arm, "I shall know +what to be at, if you are tired of helping me." + +He could not see the tears in her eyes, and though she was extremely +grieved, her voice did not betray how strong her feeling was. "Tired! +O Lionel, how can you think it? But would it not be better to learn to +depend less on me against I go away?" + +"Ay, and glad enough you'll be to go." + +"For all but your sake and poor Caroline's," said Marian. "Mrs. Lyddell +does not like to have me here." + +"It would not be fair to want to keep you," said Lionel, "but----" + +"I should have much more comfort in going if I thought you and Caroline +were helping each other," said Marian. "I know she wants to make you her +first object." + +Lionel made no answer nor any change in his ways for some days, yet +sometimes it seemed, as if when he thought of it, he was more willing +to allow Caroline to do him some of the small services which his fast +increasing blindness rendered necessary. Caroline being more dexterous +and neat-handed than Marian, did them well, and then Marian was vexed +with herself for a few feelings like annoyance at not being equally +necessary to Lionel, but she persevered, encouraged by seeing the +comfort that each approach on his part seemed to give his sister. It was +the hardest thing Marian had ever had to do, to give up the being first +with him, as she must cease to be when the natural affection of the +brother and sister was called into play. But it was right, and she would +bear it. She thought it right as well as very pleasant to accept an +invitation from the Wortleys to come and spend the Christmas holidays +with them, joining her brother on the railroad, and meeting Edmund at +Fern Torr. The repose would be beyond everything delightful, and no less +so, the being in a house where her presence was welcome to every member +of the family. Besides, she longed to see and to talk to Agnes, and the +more she thought of her promised visit the more she enjoyed it. + +Caroline and Lionel both were very sorry to part with her, and jointly +and separately lamented her going; but Caroline blamed herself for +selfishness in wishing to keep her, and perceived that it would be a +good thing that her brother should begin to be weaned from his sole +dependance upon her, while Lionel seemed half afraid to trust her to +depart, lest she should never return, and insisted on half a dozen +promises that she would come back at the end of Gerald's holidays. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + "They made a famous procession + My good little women and men; + Such a sight was never seen before + And never will again." + + SOUTHEY. + + +A division of a first-class carriage, occupied only by Gerald, received +Marian at the station, and first she had to be shown the hat, cloak, and +umbrella with which he had constructed an effigy, which, as he firmly +believed, had frightened away all who had thought of taking a seat in +it. + +"Thinking you a mad monkey, and that your keeper," said Marian, looking +proudly at the handsome face and dancing black eyes of her beautiful +brother. "Why! how you are grown, Gerald! Do stand up, and let me see if +you are not taller than I am." + +"No, not quite so tall, unless it is your bonnet," said Gerald, after +craning up his neck in vain. + +"At any rate, you are taller than Lionel. He only comes up to my ear," +said Marian. + +"Poor Lionel! How are his eyes?" + +"O Gerald, it is very sad. He has very little sight left. I believe he +finds his way about quite by feeling now. It has grown worse so much +faster in these last three weeks." + +"Poor fellow! What can he do all day?" + +A long description followed, and then Gerald wanted to hear all about +Caroline, and what Marian thought fit to tell him, together with his +comments, lasted till, in spite of his effigy, a lady made an entrance, +and for some time Gerald was reduced to silence, and as he sat on the +same side, to making horrible sidelong scowls at her, out of her sight, +which sorely tried his sister's propriety of countenance. + +The tongues of two such happy people could not long, however, continue +tied, and presently Gerald rattled off into a history of his sporting +adventures in Scotland, as if he would detail every shot. The narration +was endless, and very tiresome it would have been to any woman but a +sister, and a sister who had so much of the hunter spirit in her as +Marian; but she listened and sympathised with all her heart and soul, +and understood why such a shot was a good one, and why such another +failed, and was absorbed in the interest of the attempt to recover a +wounded bird when the retriever was stupid, long after the intruder had +made her exit, and they might have returned to matters touching her more +closely, though regarded by Gerald as hardly equal in importance to roe +deer, salmon, and grouse. + +They were on Devonshire ground before they ever began to rejoice over +Edmund's engagement, and from thence to talk of Edmund himself. Gerald +pronounced many an eulogium on him, in which praises of his excellence +as a fisherman and sportsman were strangely mixed with a real genuine +appreciation of his goodness and superiority. + +"'Tis a capital thing that he is come home to stay," said Gerald, +heartily. + +"Isn't it?" + +"I like him specially," said Gerald. "Do you know he showed me some of +my father's letters." + +"Did he indeed?" + +"That he did. It was before I was born, when he thought he was going to +have Fern Torr and all, he had rather an idle fit, and these were what +papa wrote to him." + +"Was Edmund ever idle?" exclaimed Marian, falling into a reverie of +wonder whether this did not make it more hopeful for Gerald. + +"I am very glad he has got this money," proceeded Gerald. "I only wish +it was more. One letter he showed me that was best of all. It was from +my father when I was born. You can't think what a nice letter it was. +There was something about its being a disappointment to him--to Edmund, +I mean, but how papa cared for him as much as ever, and thought after +all it might be better for him in the end. And then, Marian, papa said +he could hardly expect to live till I was grown up, and he asked Edmund +to be my godfather, and said he trusted to him to be like an elder +brother to us." + +"That he is!" murmured Marian. + +"Edmund said he wished me to read it that I might not think him +interfering." + +"You never could have thought so!" + +"I don't know. I could not have stood it from some people, but I could +see the sense of what Edmund said." + +Without entering into particulars, Gerald was now all freedom and +openness, casting quite away the restraint that had so long grieved his +sister. How happy she was! + +Mr. Wortley himself met them at Exeter, and in spite of the early +darkness of the winter day, Charles and James met them at the foot of +Blackstone hill, and Edmund and Agnes were a little further on. + +What a happy greeting it was! Marian and Gerald would jump out and walk +home with them, the boys ran and called in the dark, the stars came out +overhead, the tall hedges kept out all the glimmering light, splashes +alone made them aware of the puddles; but on the happy party tramped, +all talking an unmitigated flow of merry nonsense, laughing and enjoying +it, all the more the darker and stranger it grew, and merrier than all, +when they got home, at Mrs. Wortley's dismay at their having dragged +Marian a mile and a half, in the dark and dirt, after her long journey. +"Pretty guardians to have the care of her!" + +All the evening again there was nothing but fun and joyousness, fun of +the brightest, happiest kind, positively wild in the three boys, and +Edmund not much less so, the girls weary with laughing, and contributing +their share to the sport. A person must have lived like Marian, pent up +by formalities and the certainty of being disliked, to know what was +the enjoyment of the perfect liberty and absence from constraint, the +thorough home-like feeling of every one loving and understanding each +other, which existed at Fern Torr. How delightful it was to have no +heart achings for Gerald, to see Edmund just like his old self, and the +dear Agnes, so very lovely and bright! so very unlike her only former +experience of betrothed lovers. It was no small happiness to the Fern +Torr party to have one so prized and loved as Marian to rejoice with +them, indeed, all this evening every one was too joyous to dwell on any +of the causes of their felicity, it was nothing but high spirits, and +unreflective mirth. + +When they had bidden each other good night, and were gone up stairs, +there was more of gravity and thought. Marian and Agnes could have sat +up talking half the night, if Mrs. Wortley would have allowed them, but +she said Marian must have time to rest, and ruthlessly condemned her to +bed. + +Never did Marian spend so happy a Christmas. There was plenty of depth +and earnestness in her _tete-a-tetes_ with Agnes, when they talked +over the wonders that had happened to them both, and always ended by +returning to recollections of happy old days before Marian left +Fern Torr, when Edmund had been the prime mover of every delightful +adventure. Marian was as good as a sister to each of the lovers, so +heartily did she help each one to admire the other. Or when they were +"lovering," as the boys chose to call their interminable wanderings in +the manor gardens, Marian used to be extremely happy with Mrs. Wortley, +talking over the history of the engagement, and settling how and when +the love began. Mr. Wortley suggested that the first attraction had been +Agnes' unmitigated horror of the Lyddells, which he declared had won Mr. +Arundel's heart, though he never owned how much he participated in it. +It needs not to be stated how Edmund's noble behaviour was appreciated, +more especially after the new lights which Marian was able to throw upon +it. + +Then came the discussion of the plans for the house which Edmund was to +build, on a farm, which had come into the market at the very nick of +time, just on the other side of the hill, and in Fern Torr parish. +Marian and Gerald were taken the first day to look and advise whether +the new house should be on the old site, or under the shelter of a great +old slate quarry, crested with a wood, a beautiful view spread before +it, and capacities for making the loveliest garden that was ever seen. + +Edmund sketched house and garden in every possible point of view, each +prettier than the other, and all the young gave their voices eagerly for +the quarry, while the old protested on the difficulty of getting so far +up the hill, and suggested damp. But the young carried the day, and the +plans were drawn and debated on a dozen times in twenty-four hours, +always including the prettiest of little sitting-rooms for Marian, with +a window opening into the garden, and a door into the drawing-room, and +then came letters to architects and calculations with builders, and +reckonings that the house should be habitable by next September, and Mr. +Wortley laughing at their credulity for expecting it. + +Marian was surprised to find how far away and secondary seemed the +thoughts that had of late engrossed her entirely. She wondered to +discover how little her mind had been occupied with Caroline and Lionel, +fond as she was of them and very anxious about them. This was so very +different a world! and she felt so much more as if she belonged to it. +She obtained from Agnes some admiration for Caroline's conduct, though +in somewhat of the "better late than never" style, and at the price of +warm abuse of the parents, in which Marian was not indisposed to join. + +Caroline wrote nearly every day, saying that she missed Marian +dreadfully, and that her letters were the only comfort she had; she +would not wish her back again, for that would be selfish, but it would +be a joyful day when she returned. These constant letters, which Marian +always kept to herself, rather surprised the Wortleys, but Edmund could +better guess at her position. "Depend upon it," he said to Agnes, "it is +she who has saved Miss Lyddell." + +"O, Edmund! do you think so? I wanted to have thought so, but she says +it was the brother." + +"He took the steps which would not have become Marian, but Walter +Lyddell could never have moved without his sister, and where could she +have found the principle but in Marian? I see now that her perseverance +in right is beginning to tell on those around her, in spite of all +untoward circumstances." + +"I don't know anything like Marian!" said Agnes. "How very fine her +countenance is!" + +"That steadfast brow and lip." + +"I saw her yesterday standing on the edge of a rock looking out on the +view, and she was like some statue of Fortitude." + +"Yes, Marian is a grand creature," said Edmund; "so strong and firm, yet +with such feminine, retiring strength. There are still prejudices +and little roughnesses, but I doubt whether they have not been her +safeguard, outworks to secure the building, and I think they are +disappearing with the occasion." + +"Ah! papa and mamma think her very much softened down." + +"She has had a very hard part to act, and her shyness and rigidity have +been great helps to her, but I am glad to see them wearing away, and +especially pleasant it is to see her expand and show her true self +here." + +"And to know she may soon be free of them all for ever!" said Agnes. + +The time when Marian was to be free of them for ever, as Agnes said, +was to be the next summer. Edmund and Agnes were to be married in July, +Marian would then come to Fern Torr, and comfort Mrs. Wortley for losing +her daughter, till the holidays began, when Edmund and Agnes would +return, and some undefined scheme of delight was to be settled on for +Gerald's holidays, until the house should be ready. Gerald was in the +meantime very agreeable and satisfactory on the whole. He was too busy +drawing varieties of stables for Edmund, to talk about his own, and +marvellous were the portraits of the inhabitants with which he would +decorate Edmund's elevations, whenever he found them straying about +the room. Very mischievous indeed was the young gentleman, and Marian +considered him to have been "a great deal too bad" when on a neat, +finished plan, just prepared to be sent to the builder, she found +unmistakeable likenesses of the whole Wortley family, herself and +Gerald, assembled round a great bowl of punch, large enough to drown +them all, drinking to the health of Edmund and Agnes, who were riding in +at the gate, pillion fashion, supposed to be returning after the honey +moon, which in one corner of the picture was represented in a most +waning state, but the man in the moon squinting down at them with a +peculiarly benignant expression of countenance. + +Marian was very angry, but Edmund and Agnes would do nothing but laugh, +though the whole plan had to be drawn over again, and Edmund was kept at +work with ruler, scale, and compasses the whole evening, Marian scolding +Gerald all the time, and Edmund too, for spoiling him, thinking her +cousin the most heroically good natured and good tempered man in the +world to bear with such an idle monkey, and laugh at the waste of time +and trouble; and getting at last a glimmering perception that these +tricks, thus met, were the greatest proof of good understanding and +friendship. It ended in Gerald's inking in the plan, of his own free +will, and very neatly, and getting up at six, the next morning, to ride +to Exeter, in the dark cold misty December twilight, to take it to the +builder, that no time might be lost; indeed, as he boasted, it was there +a quarter of an hour before it would have come by post, as it would have +done had it gone yesterday. + +Gerald's studies were not extensive, but Edmund, by some magic secret, +unknown to Marian, made him read history to himself for a short space +every morning. The sporting paper had disappeared, and nothing was heard +of Elliot or of Queen Pomare, while though he could not yet go the +length of talking to the poor people himself, he stood by very civilly +while Edmund talked to them. + +The first ten days of Marian's stay had thus passed, when Caroline one +day mentioned in her letter that mamma had a regularly bad influenza +cold, and was quite laid up. It was aggravated, Caroline said, by the +distress they were all in about Elliot. "But you will hear enough of +this when you come back," wrote she, "so I will not grieve you with +it now; though it is an additional load upon my mind--an additional +offence, I fear, in poor mamma's eyes, since all this would not have +come to light had I persisted. But you must not think I am repenting, +for I never was further from regretting what I have done. The different +spirit in which I could come to this Christmas feast, is a blessing to +be purchased at any price, even at such wretchedness as it has been this +autumn; and most earnestly do I thank you, dearest Marian. I can thank +you by letter, though we never can speak of such things. Yes, I thank +you. I regret nothing but my previous folly and weakness, and bitterly +do I suffer for them; though all is better now, and Christmas has +brought me peace and calm. It is as if the storm was lulled at last, and +nothing left but dreariness, and the longing to be at rest. How bright +the world was before me not a year ago! and now how worn out it +seems,--only three comforts left in it, you, and Walter, and poor +Lionel. For Lionel is a comfort; he is very kind and considerate, and, I +do believe, softens mamma towards me. I suppose it is best for us that +our hearts should have no home but one above; and if I was sure it was +not disgust and disappointment, I should hope I was seeking one there; +for I know the only feeling of rest and refreshment is in turning +thither, and surely that must come from the FATHER, Who is ready to +receive me. But I must leave off, for mamma is too unwell to be long +left. + +"Your most affectionate + +"CAROLINE LYDDELL." + + +After this, the letters, hitherto constant, ceased entirely, and Marian +grew very uneasy. Her mother had died of influenza, so that the name +gave her a fatal impression; and she dreaded to hear that Mrs. Lyddell +was very ill, or that Caroline was ill herself. Another week, and at +length she heard from Clara, in answer to a letter of inquiry, and to +fix the day of her return. + + + "Oakworthy, Jan. 7th. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--Caroline desires me to write to + tell you, with her love, that she has this horrid influenza, and + has been in bed since Monday. She is very feverish, and + her throat so sore that she can hardly speak or swallow. + Sarah sat up with her last night, and I think she is a little + better this morning. Mamma is better, but only gets up for + a little while in the evening, and cannot leave her room. I + wish you were at home, for I don't know what to do: I am + running backwards and forwards between the two rooms all + day, and poor Lionel is so forlorn and solitary down stairs, + with only papa. There!--that great blot was a tear, for I + am so worn out with fatigue and nursing, that I am almost + overcome. This winter I was to have come out,--how very + different! I forgot to tell you, after all, that the carriage + shall meet you, as you mention, on the 15th. I wish it was + directly; they will be all well by the time you come. But + it is so very forlorn, and I am so nervous; so excuse this + scrawl. + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "CLARA LYDDELL." + +As soon as Marian read this letter, she gave it to Edmund, saying, "I +think I had better go home." + +"O, Marian, you must not cheat us!" cried Agnes. + +"I think they would be very glad of you," said Edmund, and withal +Marian's mind was made up, and she withstood all the persuasions +of Gerald and Agnes that it was nothing--nonsense--only Clara's +dismality--they would laugh at her for coming for nothing. No; Marian +knew she was no nurse, but she could not bear to think of Lionel left to +his blindness and helplessness, still less of Caroline, ill, and with no +one to cheer her. She was sure she was wanted by those two at least, and +she resolved that she would be at Oakworthy to-morrow evening, wrote +notice of her intention to Clara, and prepared for her journey, giving +up that precious last week, so prized because it was the last. She could +go alone with her maid; there was no use in spoiling Gerald's holidays; +so he would stay for all the delights that she gave up, ruining all by +her absence, as every one declared. + +Agnes grumbled and scolded her to her face, but made up for it out of +hearing, by admiring her more than ever. Mr. and Mrs. Wortley gave her +silent approval, and the boys would not wish her a pleasant journey. She +was ready early the next morning, and once more left Fern Torr, bright +with the promise that, when she was there next, it would be no more a +guest. + +She prosperously arrived at the station nearest Oakworthy, and soon saw +the servant waiting for her. "Is Miss Lyddell better?" + +"A little better than last night, ma'am. Mr. Lionel is in the carriage." + +Marian had not at all expected any one to meet her, especially Lionel, +coming all this distance in silence and darkness. She hastened to the +carriage, and saw him leaning forward, listening for her. His face +lighted up at her, "Well, Lionel," and he fairly hurt her, by the +tightness of his grasp, when once he had met her hand. "So, you're come! +What a time it has been since you went! Now you are come, I don't care." + +"And how are you?" she asked anxiously. + +"Bad enough to be going back to the oculist next week," he answered; "I +can't even see the light." + +A long silence; then, "How is Caroline?" + +"Pretty much the same; it is a bad, feverish cold, and shocking throat. +She breathes as if she was half stifled, and can hardly speak." + +"I suppose she has Mr. Wells?" + +"Yes, two or three times a day," + +"And Mrs. Lyddell is better?" + +"Better, but not out of her room. It has been a tolerable state of +things of late. Not a creature to speak to, except, now and then, Clara +coming down to maunder and sigh over all she has to do, and my father, +who has been thoroughly in a rage about Elliot. Do you know about all +that, Marian?" + +"No," she answered. + +"It is out now, why he was so set upon Caroline's marriage, he had got +Faulkner to back a bill for him; you don't know what that means, I +suppose," said Lionel, with his old superior manner;--"made him engage +that the money Elliot borrowed should be paid. There was to be some +shuffle between them about her fortune it seems; so after the engagement +was off, when the bill became due, Faulkner sent the holder of it to +my father for the money and the news of this set on all the other +creditors. No end of bills coming in, and he has been pretty nearly +crazy among them; says we shall be beggars, and I don't know what all! I +vow, it is my old plan coming right!" cried Lionel vehemently. "If the +man in London can but set my eyes to rights, I'd be off to Australia +to-morrow, instead of staying here to make all worse. Well, it's no use +thinking of it: if ever I make my fortune now, it will be with a dog in +a string, and a hat in his mouth." + +"But go on, Lionel; are the debts so very bad?" + +"I believe they are indeed, and no one knows the worst of them yet. No +wonder Elliot was off to Paris in such a hurry, like a coward as he is, +no one knows how he is ever to come back! And worst of all is to have +mamma going about saying 'tis Caroline's fault! Hadn't I rather come to +the hat and dog in good earnest than to see her marry that man? Why, +Marian, he is actually engaged to Miss Dashwood! What do you say to +that? To the Radical Dashwood's daughter that behaved so shamefully to +papa!" + +"The daughter?" + +"No, the man. Fit company for the apostate, isn't it? He had better have +begun with her. Fine love his must have been. Only six weeks. Should not +that cure Caroline?" + +"Has she heard it?" + +"No, we have only known it since she was ill, and Clara thought she had +better not tell her." + +"Very right of Clara," said Marian; "but I think she will be glad, when +she is well enough to be told." + +Fast and eagerly did Marian and Lionel talk all the way, sometimes +gravely and sorrowfully about Elliot and Caroline, sometimes cheerfully +about Fern Torr, Edmund, and Gerald, of whom Lionel wanted much to hear. +He clapped his hands, and danced himself up and down with ecstasy at the +history of Gerald's embellishments of the plans, vowed that Gerald was a +Trojan, and that it was as good as Beauty and the Beast, and seemed to +be enjoying a perfect holiday in having some one to speak to again. +"But," he said, "what a horrid bore it must have been to you to come +away!" + +"I thought I might be some help to Clara." + +"Did she make you think Caroline so very ill? Mr. Wells says it is only +a very bad cold. But I am very glad you are come." + +Clara met Marian in the hall. "O Marian, I am glad you are come, but +I am sorry you came home in such a hurry. Mamma says there was no +occasion, and that I need not have frightened you, for it is only a bad +attack of influenza." + +"Then I hope Caroline Is better." + +"Yes, rather, and she will be so glad to see you. Come to her at once, +won't you? she heard the carriage, and is watching for you." + +Marian hastily followed Clara to Caroline's room. In a few seconds both +Caroline's arms were thrown round her neck, and a burning feverish face +pressed to hers, then as she raised herself again, one of her hands +still held fast, and Caroline lay looking up to her with an expression +of relief and comfort. "Thank you," she murmured, in a hoarse low +painful whisper, the sound of which gave an impression of dismay to +Marian. Caroline was far worse than she had been prepared to sec her. +That loud, oppressed, gasping breathing, the burning fever of hands and +cheek, the parched lips,--this was far more than ordinary influenza. +Marian stood watching her a little while; speaking now and then, until +she closed her eyes in weariness, not for sleep, when she was about to +leave the room, but Caroline looked up again anxiously and restlessly, +and tried to say, "Come back." + +"Yes, I'll come in a moment," said Marian, "I'll only just take off my +bonnet, and go and see Mrs. Lyddell, if I may." + +"O, yes, she is up, she knows you are come," said Clara, and Marian was +presently knocking at Mrs. Lyddell's door. + +She found her sitting by the fire in a large easy chair, in her +dressing-gown and shawl, and was surprised at the first sight of her +too, for that very weakening complaint, the influenza, had made a great +change in her, perhaps assisted by all that she had gone through during +the last summer and autumn, beginning with the parting with John, the +grief and anxiety for Lionel, the disappointment and warfare with +Caroline, and worse than all, the discoveries respecting her eldest and +favourite son. She looked a dozen years older, all the clearness of her +complexion was gone, and the colouring that remained, as if ingrained, +was worse than paleness; her hand shook with weakness, and the only +trace of her prompt, decided activity was in the nervous agitation of +her movements, and the querulous sharpness of her tones, as if her +weakness was irritating to her. + +"Marian, how are you? I am sorry you have cut short your visit to +come back to a sick house. I am afraid Clara has been alarming you +needlessly." + +"I am very sorry to find you so unwell," said Marian; "I thought Clara +would want some help." + +"Thank you, it was very kind," said Mrs. Lyddell, rather sharply, as if +her thanks were only for form's sake. "Have you seen Caroline?" + +"Yes, and I am afraid she is very ill. Such a terrible oppression on her +breath." + +"Ah! so Clara says. Mr. Wells has been applying mustard poultices." + +"Have you had no further advice?" said Marian. + +"No. He managed me very well; he is perfectly competent to attend an +influenza such as this--a very simple affair." + +Mrs. Lyddell was evidently under the unreasonable infatuation that so +many people are subject to, who will go on trusting their favourite +apothecary, in spite of proofs that he is not to be trusted; but Marian, +in her short life, had heard a good deal of doctors, and whether +reasonably or not, had imbibed a distrust of country practitioners, +which Lionel's misfortune had not tended to remove in Mr. Wells' case. +Indeed, she had a particular dislike to the man, with his soft manner, +love of set speeches and fine words, and resolution not to own that +anything was the matter. There were stories abroad in the neighbourhood +of his treating cases wrongly because he would not own they were beyond +his skill. + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said she, very earnestly, "I do believe that Caroline is +very ill. I think her throat is in a very alarming state, and I should +not be at all satisfied to go on with no further advice." + +Mrs. Lyddell made some answer about girls being easily frightened, and +Marian went back to Caroline, very unhappy and anxious, and trying to +find comfort by telling herself that the cure does not depend alone on +the physician. + +However, the words she had spoken were not without effect. Mrs. +Lyddell's answer had been prompted by her first impulse of dislike and +opposition, as if Marian was taking still further upon her; but she +became very anxious when left alone. She thought that Marian's fresh eye +might be better able to judge of the degree of Caroline's illness; she +remembered how she had reproached herself about Lionel, and at last +worked herself into such a state of alarm and anxiety, that though she +had not yet walked further than to the window, she rose, left her room, +and presently was by her daughter's bed-side. + +There needed no more to convince her that Caroline was excessively ill, +and quick and prompt as ever, her first measure was to send Clara for +her father, and hold a consultation with him outside the door; a message +was despatched to hasten Mr. Wells, and the result was that a physician +was sent for. Marian, who had all this time been watching the severe +suffering, unable to do the least thing to alleviate it, was almost as +glad as if she had been told of Caroline's certain recovery. She had +again to tell herself not to put her trust in physicians. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + "Preach, read, and study as we will, + Death is the mighty teacher still." + + _Baptistery_. + + +Caroline continued very ill all the evening, hardly able to to look up, +and every attempt to speak or swallow causing her great pain. Her mother +would not leave her again, and sat watching her, and she smiled, and +gave a pleased look of surprise at her kindness, which she had so long +missed; but her chief comfort seemed to be in Marian's presence. She +followed her about the room with her eyes, and was uneasy whenever she +fancied that she was going out of the room. + +She was not told that the physician was coming till he was actually +in the house, and then she gave Marian a quick, sharp look of alarmed +inquiry; but Marian was not able to answer, as she had to leave her to +his visit. When it was over, and Marian returned, while Mrs. Lyddell +went to hear his opinion, Caroline was striving hard to speak. Marian +bent over her, and at last heard one word gasped out--"Walter." + +"Yes, I will tell Mr. Lyddell; he shall be sent for, dearest," said +Marian; and Caroline seemed satisfied. + +It was long before Marian had an opportunity of hearing what the +physician's opinion had been, and there was little comfort in it. It was +a very severe case of inflammation in the windpipe, and the only hope of +subduing it was in instant recourse to strong remedies. How badly it +was thought of she saw plainly enough, without words, in Mr. Lyddell's +restless, hasty manner, and in the exertions which Mrs. Lyddell was +allowed to make, at a time when she ought to have been in her bed. The +worst sign of all was, it seemed to her, that as soon as she mentioned +Caroline's wish to see Walter, Mr. Lyddell took measures for sending a +letter at once by the railroad, instead of waiting for the post, which +would have made a delay of two days. + +Lionel sat meanwhile, by himself in the drawing room, or was found +wandering on the stairs, anxiously listening. Marian came on him once, +and had exclaimed at finding him in the dark, before she remembered that +it made no difference to him. She was in haste to fetch something +for Caroline and could do nothing for him but say the sad words, "No +better." + +All night Mrs. Lyddell and Marian stayed with Caroline; the one because +she could not bear to go, the other because she could not be spared. +Mrs. Lyddell would not acknowledge the extent of the danger to herself, +far less allow any hint of it to come to Caroline; and for this Marian +was sorry, though she was sure that Caroline was conscious of it +herself; but with Mrs. Lyddell always present, it was impossible to read +any of the things that would have been the only support at such a time. +Poor Caroline could not speak to ask for them, and as if her mother +feared they would bring death, she seemed to be watching Marian +jealously to prevent the least approach to them. + +It was a terrible night; the applications did nothing but cause +suffering, instead of removing the disorder,--the oppression grew more +and more severe,--each breath more painful; the two watchers hardly +dared to meet each other's eyes, and Caroline was in too much pain, +too oppressed and overwhelmed, to give any token how far the mind and +thought was awake within her. Such another day succeeded, every hour +extinguishing some faint hope, and bringing the dread certainty more +fully upon them. There was little or nothing to be done: they could only +watch the sufferer, and try to glean her wishes from her looks; but +these usually expressed more of pain than aught else, and no one could +tell whether the ear and thought were free. One, at least, who sat +beside her prayed fervently, and trusted in hope and love; holding fast +by the certainty that Caroline had embraced the good part, and given up +the allurements of the world, in health, for the sake of the treasure to +which she was hastening. That last letter of her's was surely a proof +that she was ready; and who could wish to detain that worn, harassed +spirit from the repose where earthly cares shall "cease from troubling, +and where the weary are at rest?" Yet how Marian loved and clung to her, +and felt as if she could never bear to part, and lose the affection that +had been so long kept off by her own repulsive demeanour, but that +was so ardent and unreserved! How grievous to think of the blooming, +life-like creature that she was so lately, now so suddenly cut down! + +Hour after hour went by, bringing no change for the better. Day had +faded into twilight, and twilight became night. Midnight had come, and +Marian was still sitting, as she had done for more than an hour, holding +up the faint head; for Caroline could no longer breathe in a recumbent +posture, and sat partly supported on pillows, partly resting on Marian's +shoulder. Her eyes were shut, and she seemed unconscious; it might be +that she slept, but the features were full of suffering, and Marian +could feel each of her breaths, gasping and convulsive. Her mother hung +over her, feeling her pulse, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, +or walking to the foot of the bed to speak to Mr. Lyddell, or to the +apothecary, in the restless misery of despair. Mr. Lyddell came in and +out, unable to bear the sight, yet unable to stay away. Clara had been +too much overcome, and growing hysterical, had been sent away, and +advised to go to bed. Lionel, too, had been sent to bed, but his room +was in the same passage, and he lay with his door open, catching, with +his quickened ears, at every sound in the sick room, and hearing each +word of the hushed conferences that took place outside. + +A fresh tread was in the house--on the stairs--in the passage; Lionel's +heart could not help bounding at it, as it came so softly along. It was +the tread of the brother who, for his effort of courage and principle +had been allowed to leave home like an exile, and treated as an +offender. Lionel heard his father's step coming to meet him: how would +they meet? He could hear the movement as their hands grasped together, +and then Mr. Lyddell's smothered, choked whisper, "Only just in time, +Walter! she won't know you. Come!" + +"Is it so?" said Walter, in a low tone, as of one extremely choked and +overwhelmed. + +A sort of sob came before the answer, "Going fast." + +The steps moved on; Lionel could not stay where he was, dressed himself, +and felt his way to the sick room. He heard the stifled breathings: he +felt onward,--found he had hold of the bed-post, and leant against it, +unheeded by all, so intently were all watching Caroline. + +"Speak to her," was the first thing he heard whispered by the doctor. + +"Caroline!" said Walter's trembling voice, "dear Caroline!" + +Poor Lionel could not see how, at the call, the dark blue eyes once more +opened, and looked up in Walter's face; he only heard the steadier tone +in which the brother said the ministerial words, "Peace be with this +house!" + +The solemn calmness of the tone came gently and soothingly upon Lionel's +ear; and withal there spread over Caroline's face a gleam of joy, and +then a quiet stillness, as of a freedom from suffering. There was an +interval--a gasp--another interval--another gasp--a pause-- + +Marian's voice was the first, and very low and awe-struck. "It has been +without a struggle." + +A slight cry from his mother, and a confused movement, as if they were +lifting something--steps--he stood still, and the next moment felt +Marian's hand on his arm. "Mrs. Lyddell has fainted," said she, in +explanation; "Mr. Lyddell and Walter are taking her to her own room," + +Lionel clasped Marian's hand very tight, and each felt how the other was +trembling. "We must come away," said Marian; then hesitating, and with a +quivering whisper, she said, "Would you like to kiss her?" + +"Yes, let me!" + +It was strange to guide the blind brother to kiss the white brow of the +dead sister. Marian's throat was aching to such a degree with intense +feeling, that she could hardly utter a word; but Lionel, who could not +see, must hear. "She looks so calm, so sweet," said Marian struggling, +"but I must go to your mother. Let me take you to your room; I'll send +Walter to you. Lionel, Lionel, indeed she is happy!" said Marian, +earnestly, while Lionel burst into a flood of tears, wholesome tears, as +she led him from the room. + +She thought Walter would be the greatest comfort to him; and +recollecting Mrs. Lyddell had no woman with her but her maid, she told +Lionel she must go to his mother, ran down, and met Walter waiting in +the dressing-room. "Is she recovering?" + +"A little." + +"Will you go to Lionel?" + +"This instant, but--" and he looked at her earnestly. + +"Yes, yes," said she hastily, "it is all right and beautiful. Here's her +last letter; I've been reading it all day. Take it; you'll see how--" + +Marian's voice broke down, and she hastened to the open door of Mrs. +Lyddell's room. There was something for her to do in attempting to +restore her, for the maid was not helpful; and Mr. Lyddell stood at the +foot of the bed, as if all his powers were paralysed. Mr. Wells wanted +assistance; for Mrs. Lyddell, exhausted by watching and her previous +weakness, was in so sinking and depressed a state, as to need the +greatest care. + +Marian was employed in attending her till towards morning, when she sank +into a sleep. "You had better go to bed," said Mr. Lyddell, very kindly, +as Marian at length turned away from her, and stood by the fireside, +where he was sitting in the arm-chair, his hands over his forehead "I +must not let you overwork yourself." + +"O, I am not tired, if I can be of any use." + +"No, no, rest now, thank you," said he, in a broken, dejected tone. + +She went, and again found Walter in the outer room, watching for tidings +of his mother. "Asleep," she said. "Lionel?" + +"Asleep too, I hope. You are going to bed?" + +"Yes, thank you; but Clara--" + +"I will go to Clara the first thing in the morning. I shall sit up on my +father's account. Don't you think of it,--sleep as long as you can; you +have had watching enough." + +"I have been so glad," Marian said, in a tear-stilled whisper. + +"You cannot tell how I have longed to thank you, Marian, for what you +have been to her:" said Walter, speaking from the fulness of heart, +which overcame his natural reserve and bashfulness. "You are thanked +enough by our present feelings on the subject,--by that letter:--may I +keep it a little longer?" + +"O yes, yes!" cried Marian, hastily, disclaiming in her heart all his +thanks, though unable to do so with her lips. + +"It takes away all regret for the briefness of the illness," added +Walter, as if the speaking of it was a satisfaction he could hardly +relinquish. + +"I am sure she thought much; no one can tell what passed," said Marian, +in a low, broken murmur. + +"Little did I think last summer--" said Walter, aloud to himself. "Yes, +this is best, far best, if one could but feel it so!" + +Marian thought the same, and, like him, could not feel it; but unable to +express herself, she simply said, as soon as her tears would let her, +"Good-night," and went up to her own room. + +Fatigue came on her now. When she took off the dress she had worn since +leaving Fern Torr, she found her limbs stiff and aching, and her head +dizzy with weariness. She could hardly get through the operation of +undressing; and when she tried to say her prayers, they would not come. +She could only go through the LORD'S Prayer; and too worn out to be +shocked at herself more than in a dull way, scarcely even alive to the +recollection of what had happened, she laid herself down on the bed, +which seemed strangely soft, but for a long time was too tired to sleep. +With confused thoughts and exhausted spirits, she kept on feeling as +if her aching limbs belonged to somebody else, and going off into odd, +dreamy vagaries, each more uncomfortable than the last,--ever and anon +waking into a moment's remembrance that Caroline was dead, wondering at +herself for being so dull as only to think it strange, then losing the +consciousness again. At last the light of morning made her perceptions +clearer. Fanny knocked at her door, and brought her a cup of tea. +She heard that all was quiet,--said she would get up; but with that +resolution she suddenly became more easy, and while believing she was +getting up, fell into a sound sleep. + +She awoke refreshed, and entirely herself again, though feeling stunned +and bewildered by the all-pervading thought. Caroline dead! It seemed +as if it was not otherwise with the rest of the family. Her illness had +been so short, that there had been no time to grow familiar with the +idea of her danger; and it was the first death in the household that had +hitherto been so strong and confident in health,--the first touch that +taught them how little the world they loved was an abiding-place. So +sudden had been the stroke, that they seemed to pause and stand aghast +under it, scarcely conscious how deep the wound might be. Her father +went about the house, bowed down and stricken with grief, his tones low, +sorrowful, and so gentle when speaking to his children, or to Marian, +that they could scarcely be recognised as the same voice; but, without +a word, so far as Marian, Clara, or Lionel knew, of his daughter, or +of his own feelings. Her mother, already very weak, and suffering most +acutely from the remembrance of the coldness with which she had treated +her during the last autumn, became so seriously unwell, between a +return of influenza, and her extreme depression and nervous hysterical +agitation, that Marian and Clara were almost entirely occupied in +nursing her, and trying to soothe her. In this work they were little +successful. Marian had no hold on her affection, no power of talking +soothingly, though most anxious to do what she could, and distressed +excessively by her inability to be a comfort in the painful scenes which +she was obliged to witness. She almost thought her presence made things +worse, and that Mrs. Lyddell wished her away; but poor Clara was so +entirely helpless and frightened, clung to her in so imploring a way, +and was so incapable, from the restraint that had always subsisted +between her and her mother, of saying anything to comfort her, or +assuming any direction, that Marian was obliged, for her sake, to be +almost always in the room. The only thing Marian could do in the way +of consolation was to read aloud; she could not talk of the great +thankfulness, peace, and hope which she felt herself, to Mrs. Lyddell, +though she could have done so a little, with time, to Lionel, or even +Clara; she could only read, and whether this did any good, she knew not. +At any rate, it was what she ought to do; and the sound of the voice +going on continuously had certainly a calming effect. Walter used daily +to come and read, but this she did not seem to like, though she never +made any objection; and there was so much reason for guarding against +agitation and excitement, that he, never familiar with her, could not +venture to attempt speaking to her on the subject of which all their +hearts were full. It was only Mr. Lyddell who had any real serviceable +influence with her. Her hysterical attacks never came on in his +presence, and a few affectionate words or demonstrations from him would +soothe the very worst of them. Marian saw so much real tenderness in his +character, that she positively began to feel considerable affection for +him. + +Clara was entirely bewildered and frightened, hardly yet realizing +that she had lost her sister; perplexed and alarmed about her mother, +suddenly thrust forward, from being an unregarded child, into having +all the responsibilities of the eldest daughter of a sick mother on her +hands, she could only depend upon Marian, and hang on her for direction, +assistance, and consolation,--say "yes" to whatever she suggested, and +set about it; and whenever she felt lonely, sisterless, and wretched, +lean on her, pour out her grief, and feel that she had a kind listener, +though only a monosyllabic answerer. She used to have great fits of +crying at night, when they passed Caroline's door; and more than once +she was so inconsolable, that Marian was obliged to come and stay in her +room, and sleep all night with her arm clinging round her. Altogether, +it was very desolate and perplexing; and Marian was grieved at herself +for dwelling more on this, and on the loss of her dear companion and +friend, than on the hope and happiness that ought to occupy her. How +different in the two deaths she had known before, where there was none +of this weary, harassed, doubtful, careworn feeling; only the sorrow, +bitter indeed as it was, of the parting, but with time and scope for +dwelling on all thoughts of comfort, when they would come. + +Lionel had his brother, and was thus in the best hands; and she saw very +little of him except at meal-times, when all were silent and subdued. + +So passed the week before the funeral. Only the gentlemen attended it; +Marian and Clara stayed with Mrs. Lyddell, who went through the time +better than they had ventured to hope. She was altogether improved, and +was able to sit up a little in the evening. Lionel was to go the next +day to London, to be seen by the oculist; and her sanguine mind was +fastening itself on the hope of his recovery; and though there was +too much danger that she was only hoping in order to be the more +disappointed, yet the present relief was great. + +Marian and Clara went down to dinner somewhat cheered, and hoping to +carry satisfaction with them; but there was a deeper despondency in Mr. +Lyddell's air than ever. He scarcely seemed to know what he was doing; +and when at last dinner was over, he rose up, stood by the fire a +moment, coughed, said to Walter, "You tell them," and ran upstairs. + +There was a silence: each of the three dreaded to ask what was the +matter; Walter did not know how to begin. Marian began to think it was +some family misfortune, better mentioned in her absence, and was rising +to go away; but Walter exclaimed, "No, don't go, Marian; all the world +must know it soon, I fear." + +"Not Johnny!" cried Clara. "O, Walter, Walter, don't let it be Johnny!" + +"No," said Lionel; "I know it is something more about Elliot. Is it very +bad indeed, Walter?" + +"Very; I do not think he is going to tell my mother the full extent. +There was a letter from Paris this morning, from Captain Evans, saying +he thought it right that my father should be warned that Elliot is going +on there in his old way, and worse still, is reported to be on the brink +of a ruinous marriage." + +Clara was the first to break the silence of consternation. "Marriage! +and now! a Frenchwoman! O Walter, Walter it can't be true! he can't do +it now, at any rate!" + +"There is some hope that this may make a delay: it is the one chance +that my father trusts to," said Walter. "The history seems to be this, +as far as I can understand. When the discovery of all these debts came +on my father, he wrote Elliot a very indignant letter, refusing to be +answerable for any of them except that which Faulkner had guaranteed +which of course he paid at once. This letter seems to have stirred +Elliot up into a fit of passion; he went on more recklessly than ever, +and now is getting drawn into this miserable connection." + +"Yes, just like Elliot!" said Lionel. "And what is papa going to do?" + +"He means to go to Paris at once, sacrifice any thing, pay all the debts +at any cost, if he can only bring Elliot back with him, and save him +from ruining himself entirely." + +"But he is not going to tell mamma about the marriage, I hope?" said +Clara. + +"No, he will leave her to think it is only the old story, and that he +wants to see if anything can be done about the debts. There is a hope +that the news he must have had by this time may have checked him." + +"Perhaps it may be bringing him home," said Marian. + +"No, I fear he is too much involved to venture to England." + +Again following a silence; no one could think of anything consoling to +suggest; all were unwilling to heap censure upon one who deserved it but +too richly. Only Lionel was heard to give a sort of groan, find after a +time Clara asked, "Is it a Frenchwoman?" + +"Yes," said Walter; "a person connected with the theatres." + +The four again sat in mournful silence. + +"I suppose," said Lionel at length, "that my going to London had better +be put off till he comes back." + +"No," said Walter, "he wishes that to be done at once. We are all three +to go to London to-morrow, as was settled before; he will go with you to +see the oculist, and on to Dover by the night-train; and if the oculist +wishes to keep you, I shall stay with you in London till he comes back, +or till my mother and the rest can come." + +"Thank you," said Lionel, sighing; "I wish I could help it! Is not it +leaving a pretty state of things behind us, though? not that we are any +great good to the ladies to be sure!" + +"Yes, it is leaving you at a very sad time," said Walter, looking at the +two girls, "but we are hardly able to be of much use to my mother, and +if there was any prospect of your improvement, that they all say would +do her more good than anything else. However, my father said that must +be according to your feelings, Clara and Marian, if you were afraid to +be left with the charge of her, I would remain." + +One of Walter's awkward ways of putting the question, and it instantly +suggested to Clara to be afraid. + +"I am sure I shan't know what to do. Only think, Marian, for us to be +left--what should we do if mamma was to get suddenly worse? We should +have no one to help us, I shall be in such a nervous state, I could do +no good." + +"No, no, Clara, you won't," said Marian, whilst Walter had begun to +look in consternation at Clara. "Nobody ever has nerves when there is +anything to be done. You know Mrs. Lyddell is much better." + +"O but she will be so very unhappy and excited about papa's being +gone, and I am sure I shall never be able to conceal from her all this +dreadful business about Elliot." + +"Yes, you will," said Marian quietly. "We shall do very well indeed, it +cannot be for long, and if we wanted him we could get Walter home in a +few hours' time. If he can send us good news of Lionel, it will help us +much more than his staying here could do." + +"If dear Caroline,"--and Clara burst into a fit of weeping, which +obliged her to leave the room. Every one was feeling the same thing, +that Caroline, with her energy, good sense, and the power she had once +possessed with her mother, would have made all easy, and the sense of +missing her had come strongly upon them all. Marian followed Clara to +her own room, let her lean upon her and cry, wept with her, joined in +saying how grievous the loss was, and how much they had loved her, and +how they should want her every day and every hour, then called hack the +remembrance that Caroline had not been happy here, and had longed for +rest, and it was come to her, and they must not be selfish, but there +Clara cried more, saying that Marian never knew what a sister was, and +it was unkind to wish her to be glad. + +"I don't know," said Marian, pausing as her tears flowed fast, "I have +known death, Clara." + +"You weren't glad!" said Clara passionately. + +"I don't know," she said thinking, and speaking with difficulty. "Not +then, not always now, O no! But I always knew I ought to be glad, for +dear papa had suffered so much, I could not wish it to be going on +still--no, no. And dear mamma, when he was gone, it was a sad world for +her, she could only have wished to stay for our sakes. Yet, after the +first, I always felt it was right, and so will you too, Clara, in time." + +"If she was but here to help me!" sobbed Clara. + +"We must try," said Marian, "we can't be as useful and ready as she was, +but we will do our very best. I am sure Mrs. Lyddell likes to have you +sit with her." + +"Did you think so?" said Clara, ready to be cheered by any token, of +preference. + +"Yes, I saw how glad she was to have you instead of me, when you came in +from the garden." + +Clara looked pleased. + +"You will sit with her, and read to her, and I can help you when you +have too much on your hands at once. You see it is a great comfort to +Mr. Lyddell to have you to leave her with." + +The being made important was a great thing with Clara, and she was quite +reconciled to the prospect of her charge by the time they had to go down +stairs to tea. + +After tea Marian was left alone with Lionel, while Clara was with her +mother; and Walter in consultation with Mr. Lyddell, for here at least +was one benefit, that Walter seemed to have taken his proper place, and +to be a real comfort and help to his father in a way he had never hoped +for. + +"You've cheered up Clara, I hear in her voice," said Lionel. + +"O yes, we shall do very well." + +"Do you mind it, Marian?" said he, turning his ear towards her, as if +to judge by the minute intonations of her answer, as people do by the +expression of the countenance. + +Her reply was brave, "No, not at all." + +"Are you sure?" + +"Yes. I don't see what would be gained by keeping you and Walter here. +She does not depend on Walter as she does on your father, and all that +is required we can do as well without Walter in the house. It would be +nonsense to keep you merely for the feel of having some one, and for the +rest, I am sure Clara will be the better for being thrust forward, and +made useful." + +"Very well. I should not in the least mind waiting, for I have not much +hope myself, but it is just as well for oneself and every one else to be +put out of one's misery as soon as possible, and settle down into it." + +Marian remembered how differently he had spoken half a year ago, when +the danger first broke on him, and looking up she saw his steadfast +though mournful face. She spoke her thought. + +"It has been a great thing to have this long preparation." + +"Yes, I am glad of it, though I have been a great plague and nuisance to +every one, especially to you, Marian. I know what you're going to say, +so let alone that. I wish--. But no use talking of that, she was very +kind and we got very comfortable together after you were gone, Marian, +and I like to remember that." + +"Ah! I was sure you would. And Walter read you what she said about you?" + +"Yes, I wish--I little knew"--then suddenly "Marian, I'll tell you +something: one morning when you were gone, she had to read a bit of a +chapter in the Gospel about the healing the blind man, and you can't +think how hard she tried to get through it without breaking down, but +she could not. She cried at last, as if she could not help it, and then +she got up, and came and kissed me, and I felt her tears on my face. I +didn't know what to say, but that's what I like to remember." + +"And the Church-going on Christmas day," whispered Marian. + +"Ay, she led me up," said Lionel. + +"Everything is so very comforting," said Marian. + +"So Walter says." + +"Lionel, do you remember the print you and Gerald gave me long ago of S. +Margaret walking through the dark wood of this world, and subduing the +dragon? I am sure she is like it. She had all this world before her, and +she chose vexation and trouble instead of doing wrong! O Lionel, it is +very noble!" + +"That it is," said Lionel, "only things never seem so at the time. I +wish they did, but. I am glad my father saw it all right before, and +said he was glad she had given him up." + +"Yes, that is a comfort." + +"My poor father!" said Lionel presently, "I never guessed he cared so +much about--things. Do you know, Marian, I think even if I do get back +my eyes, I could not go after the Australian bulls, unless 'twas the +only way of getting a living." + +"I am glad you have put them out of your head," said Marian, smiling +sadly. + +"Ay, I was very mad upon them once," said Lionel, "but I see that eyes +or no eyes, we must set ourselves in earnest to be some sort of comfort +to them, and if Johnny is to be always at sea, I had better not be on +the other side of the world. If I am to see, why then it is all right; +if not, I'll do the best I can at home." + +"That's right, Lionel." + +"I can do a good deal already, I am no trouble to any one, am I? I can +go all over the house and park by myself, and find all my own goods +without any one's help, and I'll do more in time, so as to be no bother +to any one, and I do believe now they like to have me at home. Don't you +remember, Marian," and he lowered his voice confidentially, one reason +why I wanted to go to Australia, and make a fortune?" + +"Yes," said Marian, knowing that he meant his vision of winning love +from his parents. + +"Well, I think," said he, "that being blind has answered as well." + +A silence, then he went on, "I know what you meant now about a time when +I might he glad to have been blind. If Caroline had married that man, +she would not have died as happily as that, and there was an end of all +the trouble and vexation; so there will be an end to my blindness some +time or other, and it will keep me out of lots of mischief. I don't mean +that there is not plenty of opportunity of doing wrong as it is," he +added, "but not so much. Better be blind than like Elliot, and perhaps I +might have come to that." + +"O Lionel, it is such a comfort you can speak so!" + +"I've tried it now, and 'tis not so very bad," said Lionel, turning with +an odd mixture of smile and sadness, "besides I saw almost the last of +her face, and I should only miss her the more like her voice. I have got +her face stored up with all of yours. You know I shan't see when any of +you grow old and ugly, Marian. Well, and after all I am glad it is to +be settled now, I don't think I shall mind it near so much as I should +another time, now I have just heard all that over her grave. I got +Walter to read it to me all over again when we came home. It has been +very nice to have Walter." + +Marian guessed how Walter had strengthened and helped him, and she +judged rightly, but she did not know how silently he listened to all +Walter's talkings and readings, unable to pour out his full feeling to +any one but herself. + +The others came in from their different quarters, it was late, and +Marian was about to wish good night, when Walter in a low hurried voice +said to her and Clara, "Don't go yet, my father wishes to have prayers." + +A moment more and the servants came in, all were kneeling, and Marian's +tears of thankful joy were streaming fast as Walter read an evening +prayer. Was not Caroline glad? was the thought, as she recollected that +first morning, when all had seemed to her childish mind so dreary and +unhallowed, and when Caroline had lamented the omission. Yes! was not +Caroline glad, now that one of the dearest wishes of her heart had been +gained? Was she not glad of this first token that trouble had brought a +change over her father? + +Each fresh petition brought such a gush of earnest softened tears that +Marian's face bore evident traces of them, when she rose up, and had to +wish Mr. Lyddell good night. She did not speak, but held out her hand. +He spoke with difficulty, "My dear," he said, "I have wished to thank +you, but I cannot otherwise than by leaving more on your hands. Walter +has told you how it is with us. You are kind enough to help Clara. +I don't know what we should do without you. I rely on your judgment +entirely." + +"I'll do my best," said Marian, "I am glad to be of use." + +"You were _her_ best friend," said Mr. Lyddell hastily. "Well, good +night, thank you, my dear," and he kissed her forehead, as though she +had been his own daughter. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + "Let us be patient. These severe afflictions + Not from the ground arise + But oftentimes celestial benedictions + Assume this dark disguise. + + "We see but dimly through the mists and vapours + Amid these earthly damps + What seems to us but sad funereal tapers + May be heaven's distant lamps." + + LONGFELLOW. + + +There were morning prayers before the hurried breakfast, which was +interspersed with numerous directions about what was to be done for Mrs. +Lyddell, and what letters were to be sent after Mr. Lyddell. Lionel was +grave and silent, as became one whose fate was in the balance, without +either shrinking or bravado; but somewhat as if he was more inclined, +than had been the case last night, to hope for a favorable result. +With heartfelt prayers did Marian watch him as be crossed the hall and +entered the carriage, calling out a cheerful good-bye,--prayers that, if +it were the will of Heaven, his affliction might be removed; but that if +not, help might be given him to turn it into a blessing, as he seemed +almost to be beginning to do. His father, too,--little had Marian ever +thought to feel for him the affectionate compassion and sympathy, of +which she was now sensible, as she responded to his kind, fatherly +farewell, and thought of what he must be feeling; obliged to leave his +wife in so anxious and suffering a state; his daughter, the pride of the +family, removed so suddenly; his most promising son probably blind for +life; his eldest, a grief, pain, and shame to them all. Marian must pray +for him too, that he might be supported and aided through these most +bitter trials, and that the work which they had begun in him might go on +and be perfected; that these troubles, grievous as they were, might in +his ease also turn to blessings. + +The occupation of the two girls was all day the care of Mrs. Lyddell. +She was not worse, as far as bodily ailments went; the attack of cold, +brought on by leaving her room to attend on Caroline, had gone off, +and her strength was in some degree returning; but she was restless, +excited, irritable, and with an inability to restrain herself, that was +more alarming than Marian liked to own to herself, far less to Clara. + +She insisted on getting up at an earlier hour than she had hitherto +attempted; she was worn out and wearied with dressing; she was impatient +and vexed with Clara, for some mistake about her pillows; and the +trembling of her hand, as she was eating some broth, was uncontrollable. +The broth was not what she liked, and she would send for the +housekeeper, to reprove her about it; asked questions about the +arrangements, found them not as she wished; spoke sharply, said no one +took heed to anything while she was ill, and then burst into a fit of +weeping at the thought of the daughter who would have been able to +supply her place. + +This spent itself, (for the girls were unable to do anything effectual +in soothing it away); the doctors made their daily visit, and cheered +her up a little. The consequence of this exhilaration was, that she +began talking about Lionel, and anticipating his perfect recovery; +arranging how they were all to go and join him in London, and working +herself up to a state of great excitement; pettish with Marian for not +being able to answer her hopefully, and at last, hysterically laughing +at the picture she drew of Lionel with restored sight. + +Marian asked if she would be read to, and took up a serious book, with +which she had put her to sleep two or three times before, but nothing +of the kind would she hear; and as the best chance of at least quieting +her, Marian went on a voyage of discovery among the club books down +stairs, and brought up a book of travels, and a novel. Mrs. Lyddell +chose the novel; it was a very exciting story, and caught the attention +of all three. Marian grew eager about it, and was well pleased to go on; +and so it occupied them most of the afternoon and evening, driving out a +great deal of care, as Marian could not help gratefully acknowledging, +though she would willingly have had space to work out with herself the +question, whether care had best be driven out or grappled with. Mrs. +Lyddell was indeed in no state to grapple with it, and there was nothing +to be done but to take the best present means of distracting her +attention; yet it was to be feared that, though put aside, the enemy was +not conquered,--and might there not be worse to come? + +It was about half-past seven and the two girls were drinking tea with +Mrs. Lyddell in her room. She was just beginning to make herself unhappy +about Mr. Lyddell's late journey and night-voyage, when there was a tap +at the door, and on the answer, "Come in!" it opened, and Lionel stood +there. + +There was a sudden exclamation: they all three sprang up and looked at +him, but alas! it was still by feeling that he came forward, though his +countenance was cheerful, and there was a smile upon his lips. + +"Well, mamma," he said, in a brave, almost a lively tone, "you must +be content to have me at home." And in answer to their broken, half +expressed interrogations, "No, he can't do any thing for me; so it was +not worth while to stay any longer in London. How are you this evening, +mamma?" + +He was guiding himself towards her chair, one hand on the table; she +threw herself forward to meet him, flung her arms round his neck and +sobbed, "My boy, my poor dear boy! O Lionel! it has been all my fault +and neglect!" + +"No, no, don't--don't say that, mamma!" said Lionel, extremely +distressed by her weeping, and not knowing where to rest her, as she +hung with her whole weight abandoned on him. Marian and Clara were +obliged to help him, and seat her in her chair again; while she still +wept piteously, and poor Lionel stood, hearing the sobs, and very much +grieved. "Ought I not to have told her?" said he to Marian. "I thought +if she saw I could bear it, it would be better than writing." + +"Yes, yes, you did quite right; she will be better presently." + +She was soon better, and leaning back on her pillows exhausted, looked +up at the fine tall boy before her, the glow of youth and health on his +face, spirit and enterprise in every feature,--but those large blue +eyes, bright as they were, for ever darkened and useless. + +"O Lionel!" she sighed again. + +"The man behaved very well," said Lionel; "he did not plague me at all. +He only pulled up my eyelids--so--and studied them, and I suppose he +gave some sign to my father, for I heard him make a noise that showed me +how I was; so I asked. He told me there was not a chance, and made me +understand the rights of it; and so here I am. Never mind, mamma, there +was a tendency to it all my life, and nothing would have stopped it in +the end; and now I know what it is, I have no doubt but I shall do very +well. I mean to be like the blind man that unharnessed all the horses in +the middle of the night, when the coach was upset, and no one else was +of any use." + +He stopped once or twice in his harangue, to judge how his mother was, +by her breathings; and he spoke with a smile and look of resolution +and eagerness, as he concluded with another "Never mind, mamma, for I +don't." She took hold of his hand, and pressed it, too much overcome to +speak. + +"Is papa gone?" asked Clara. + +"Yes." And Lionel proceeded to give a message which he had sent back. + +"And where's Walter?" + +"In the drawing-room." + +More people were already in the room than Marian thought good for Mrs. +Lyddell; and understanding Clara's wishes, she went down to speak to +Walter, to carry a message that his mother would see him after tea, and +to arrange for a substantial supper for the two youths, who had had no +dinner. + +Walter was waiting anxiously to know how his mother had endured the +tidings. + +"She was very much, overcome at first," said Marian; "but now she has +had a good cry, she will be more likely to go to sleep quietly. Poor +Lionel! he did it admirably." + +"It has been his chief thought," said Walter. "He begged to come home at +once, saying it would be the best way to have it over before night; +it would save all hoping and worrying, about him; and the instant we +arrived, he ran straight up stairs." + +Walter and Marian were not familiar enough to say it to each other, but +both were comparing his present conduct with his former bitterness of +spirit against his mother. Death, sorrow, anxiety, and illness had drawn +close the cords of love, and opened the well-springs of affection, so +long choked up and soured by neglect and worldly care. + +"How did he bear it at the first?" + +"Bravely; he had wound himself up. He was flushing and turning pale all +through the journey; but when once he came to the door, he was as calm +and steady as possible. My father was much more agitated; he would lead +Lionel himself, and very nearly threw him down the steps. You should +have seen how Lionel never flinched,--did not let one feature quiver +while he was being turned round to the light and examined. We saw how it +was by the doctor's face, but Lionel spoke first, as--no, more steadily, +than I can tell it, 'There is nothing to be done, then?'--attended more +firmly to the explanation of the causes than we could, spoke as freely +as if it had been about some indifferent case. The doctor was quite +struck with it. He shook hands with him when he went, and kept me a +moment after, to say, of all the many cases he had seen, he had never +known greater resolution,--never seen any one he had been more sorry +for. However, it was not only that,--that might have been the pride of +firmness; but it has been the same all along. He set himself to cheer my +father, who was very much overcome; and ever since has been telling me +of all his schemes for employment, and arranging how to spare my mother +as much as possible. Yes, he is a fine fellow!" said Walter, stopping +with a heavy sigh. + +"I am sure he will make himself happy," said Marian earnestly; "you +don't know how many resources he has, and you see how wonderfully +independent he is already." + +"Yes," said Walter, sadly; "but though I know it is all right--to see +what he might have been! But that is mere nonsense," he added, catching +himself up; "we should never have known what was in him; and perhaps he +would have been very different." + +Not a word expressed of Walter's sincere thankfulness for the change +that affliction was bringing on them. + +Lionel came down presently, Marian presided at their tea, and would have +enjoyed it very much, if she had not been sorry Clara should not be +relieved from her harassing attendance up stairs. But her mother could +not spare her, and perhaps the being positively useful, and pulled by +force out of her childishness, was the best thing for her. + +"Marian, I hope you will be able to ride with me to-morrow, if mamma +does not want you?" said Lionel. + +Walter looked full of inquiry and consternation. + +"If we can manage it," said Marian, cheerfully; though now that the +custom had been disused for a time, she did not like the notion quite +so well as before; since she could not now even figure to herself that +Lionel guided himself at all, He had said it chiefly for the purpose +of asserting his intention of continuing the practice, and was quite +satisfied by her answer. + +Walter went up stairs to his mother shortly after, and Lionel was left +alone with Marian. + +"I am sure I hope it won't hurt her," said he; "I thought it was best to +have it out at once." + +"Much the best, since it was to come." + +"Yes," he said, pausing for some space, then exclaiming, "I don't know, +though! I thought it would be better to know the worst, and have one's +mind made up; but I don't think 'tis more comfortable, after all. I +should like to get back that little spark of hope I had this morning! +O, Marian, there was one time when the sun shone out full, and so warm, +exactly on my face, and some one in the train said it was a glorious +winter day. It was close by Slough; I knew we were in sight of the +castle, and perhaps one might see the chapel, and the trees in the +playing-fields. I thought soon, I might be seeing it all again: and +I vow, Marian, I could have leaped from here to Windsor at the bare +thought. It was being a great fool, to be sure; but as we came back, I +was half glad it was dark, so that nobody else could see it." + +"Yet I am sure your last half year at Eton was no happy time; you went +through a great deal." + +"I'd do it all again, if I could see as much as I did then," said +Lionel. "I don't mind it so much in general now; I get on much better +than I thought I should, and it is not nearly as bad now I am quite in +the dark, and wake up to it, as when the glimmer of light was going. I +can do very well, except when a great gush--I don't know what to call +it--great rush of remembering the sky and all sorts of things comes +on me, and I know it is to be darkness always. Then!--but it is all +nonsense talking of it. I shall get the better of that, some day or +other, I suppose. But I did not think, yesterday, that the being sure of +it would be half so bad!" + +"You braced yourself yesterday, and that helped you to-day." + +"Yes; and then there was my father,--he has enough to vex him, without +knowing all this. And, after all, it is nothing; I've got plenty to do, +and I'll manage it capitally. I'll tell you what, Marian, if mamma can +spare you, we'll ride to Salisbury, and get some of that good twine, and +I'll make Gerald the fishing-net you said he wanted." + +Lionel had hitherto never consented to learn to net. + +Mrs. Lyddell was better the next day, and all was quiet and prosperous, +so that Walter could write a satisfactory account to his father. Clara +had a good walk with her brothers in the morning, and in the afternoon +the ride took effect: Marian came into Mrs. Lyddell's room in her habit, +and gave notice, "we are going to ride," so much as if it was a matter +of course that Mrs. Lyddell asked no questions, and feared no dangers. +Walter went with them, and Marian could have wished him away, for he was +so anxious and nervous as very nearly to make her the same, and though +he said nothing of his anxieties, Lionel found them out, and told him +in his old gruff way that there was nothing to be in a taking about; +indeed, Lionel was the more inclined to be adventurous in order to show +himself entirely at his ease. + +However, nothing went wrong, and Marian and he both felt it a point +gained that their riding together was established. A few days passed +on quietly and gravely, a pause of waiting and suspense. Mrs. +Lyddell, though less ill, was not materially improved as regarded the +excitability of her spirits. She would be excessively depressed at +one time, at another in such high spirits as were much more alarming. +Sometimes she would talk about their being all ruined and undone, and go +on rapidly to say they must give up the house in London, retrench, live +on nothing; at others she anticipated Mr. Lyddell's bringing Elliot +back, all his debts paid, to live at home and be a comfort, or some +friend was to give Walter a great living, or Clara was to come out, and +to be presented in the summer. At the same time the fretful irritability +of nerve and temper continued, and any unusual excitement, the talking a +little longer in her room, a letter, or a little disappointment, would +keep her awake all night. One thing, however, seemed certain, that +Lionel's presence had some of the same power over her as her husband's; +she was too much occupied with watching him, to work herself into her +anxious excited moods, and now that he had grown more familiar with her, +his cheerful lively way of speaking always refreshed and pleased her. He +would come in, in a glow of bright health, from a quick walk or ride in +the clear frosty air, and show such genuine pleasure and animation +as must console those who were grieving for his privation; he would +undertake her messages, and find things in a wonderful manner, and he +liked to listen to the reading aloud that always went on in her room. +When Lionel came in, Marian and Clara always felt relieved from half +their present care. + +At last came a letter from Mr. Lyddell to Walter. The worst of his +fears were fulfilled. Elliot was actually married, and report had not +exaggerated the disgrace of the connection. Mr. Lyddell had not chosen +to see him, and intended to be at home, by the end of the next day, +after they would receive the letter. + +It was a great shock, but perhaps none of the four young people had +such lively hopes of Elliot as to be very much overwhelmed by the +disappointment, as far as he was individually concerned. He had never +been a kind elder brother to Clara or Lionel, and it was only Walter who +could have any of those recollections of a childhood spent together, +which would make the loss of intercourse personally painful. They had +all been brought up to a sort of loyal feeling towards Elliot as the +eldest, and to think his extravagance almost a matter of course, but +only the tie of blood, and sympathy for their parents could cause them +any acute pain on his account. + +For their parents they were greatly grieved, for Elliot had with all +his faults, been their especial pride and hope, and the effect on Mrs. +Lyddell in her present state was very much to be apprehended. It was a +comfort however that it was decided in full council that they might put +off the evil day of telling her, for there was no occasion that she +should be informed till her husband returned. He came the next day, and +very worn down, broken and oldened did he look, as he returned to his +mourning household. Not a word did he say in public of the object of his +journey, and all that transpired to Marian, through Lionel, who heard +it from Walter, was "that it was as bad as bad could be; it was thought +Elliot had done it out of spite, at any rate he was never likely to +bring his wife to England." Neither did Mrs. Lyddell speak of it, and +Marian only knew that she had been informed of it, by the increased +excitability and irritation of her nerves. Poor Clara underwent +plenty of scolding, for she was the only victim, since Mrs. Lyddell's +continuous dislike to Marian kept her on her ordinary terms of +ceremony, scarcely ever asking her to do her any service, thanking her +scrupulously, and never finding fault to her face. + +Marian was at first very sorry for Clara, who was bewildered, and +disconcerted, but after a day or two, things seemed to right themselves +wonderfully. Clara grew used to the fretfulness, and was no longer +frightened by it, nor made unhappy, but learnt how to meet it and smooth +it down without being hurt by it. It was surely the instinct of natural +affection, for inferior in every way as she was to Marian, yet in her +mother's sick room she suddenly acquired all the tact, power, and +management that Marian failed in. Hitherto she had been childish and +astray, as if she wanted her vocation; now she had found it, and settled +admirably into it, acquiring a sense, energy, and activity that no one +could have supposed her capable of. + +Outside that room, she was the same Clara still, without much either of +rational tastes or conversation, afraid of her father, and not much of a +companion to her brother, helpless in everything that did not regard her +mother, and clinging to Marian for help and direction, Marian must speak +for her, tell her what to say if she had to write a note, take the +responsibility of every arrangement. Nothing was much harder than to +shove Clara forward into becoming the ostensible lady of the house, +as it seemed as if she must continue for some time to come, since the +doctors spoke of the most absolute rest and freedom from excitement +being necessary to restore her mother's shattered health and spirits. +She was to see no visitors, be soothed as much as possible, have no +cares or anxieties brought to her, be only moderately occupied and +amused, or the nervous attacks would return. Marian had a suspicion that +they feared for her mind. She became stronger, was able to rise earlier, +and to drive out in the carriage, but she never dined with the family, +and remained in her sitting room up stairs, with Clara for her regular +attendant, and visits from the rest. + +Walter returned to his curacy as soon as he could be spared, and Lionel +became, as usual, chiefly dependent on Marian, who read to him, walked +with him, rode with him, assisted him in his contrivances for helping +himself, and was his constant guide and companion; doing at the same +time all she could for Clara's service, but keeping in the back ground +and making Clara do all the representative part for herself. + +They missed Caroline every hour of the day, far more since they had +settled into an every-day course of habits and most especially in the +evening and at meal times. There always used to be so much conversation +going on at dinner and now no one seemed to say anything; Clara sat at +the head of the table in awe of her father, Lionel and Marian did not +feel disposed to talk in their own way before him there never had been +any freedom of intercourse, and nobody knew how to begin. + +Marian thought the silent party very sad and forlorn for poor Mr. +Lyddell, and that it must remind him grievously of the state of his +family. Some one must talk, but how were they ever to begin? She was the +worst person in the world to do it, yet try she must. + +She began talking over the ride they had taken that day, but Clara was +not at her ease enough to ask questions, or make observations, Lionel +did not second her, and Mr. Lyddell said no more than "O." Another day +she tried giving a history of a call that had been made by some of their +neighbors, but nobody would be interested. How could she be so stupid? +She almost dreaded dinner time. At last one day, she luckily cast her +eyes on the newspaper, and it is a melancholy truth that the sight of a +horrid murder gave her a certain degree of satisfaction! She began about +it at dinner, when every one talked about it, every one had some view as +to the perpetrator, and it really carried them through all dinner time +without one dreary tract of silence, and served them on a second day. + +A second day and a third, for more intelligence came out, and then +luckily for her, came a revolution, next a dreadful accident, and at +last the habit of talking became so well established that there was no +need to look for topics in the newspaper. It was without an effort that +she could originate a remark addressed to Mr. Lyddell. Lionel began to +shake off his old schoolboy reserves, and rattle on freely. Clara grew +more at ease, and Mr. Lyddell began to be entertained, to be drawn into +the conversation, and to narrate his day's doings, just as of old +when his wife was there, pleased with their interest in them, making +explanations, and diverted with Lionel's merry comments. + +It was however dreary and uncomfortable, with all these vague anxieties +for Mrs. Lyddell, and with the whole house in the unsettled state +consequent on missing its moving power. The servants had been used to +depend on her, and could not go on without her; they teased Clara, +and Clara teased Marian about them, no one knew what to do, nor what +authority to assume, and the petty vexations were endless that were +borne by the two girls rather than annoy Mr. Lyddell; perplexities, +doubts whether they were doing what was wise or right by the house or by +the servants; Marian's good sense making her judge the right, but her +awkwardness, and Clara's incapacity, breaking down in the execution; +continual worry and no dignity in it. + +The loss of Caroline as a companion was severely felt. Marian had not +been fully conscious how very closely entwined their hearts had been, +how necessary they had grown to each other even before those latter days +of full confidence. Every pursuit was mixed up with Caroline, every walk +recalled her, every annoyance would have given way at her light touch. +There was no one left with whom Marian could have anything like the +conversations they had been used to enjoy from almost the earliest +days of her coming to Oakworthy. Lionel was indeed a very agreeable +companion, nay more, a friend, full of right feeling, principle, good +sense, thought, and liveliness; but a younger boy could never make up +for the loss of such a friend of her own sex. Each evening as she sat +over the fire in her room, her heart ached with longing for Caroline's +tap at the door, or with the wish to go and knock at hers, and then the +thrill at thinking that there was only gloom and vacancy in her room. +Had they but found each other out before! But oh! how much better to +think of her as she did of her own parents, added to her store in +Paradise, than to see her the wife of that man, unhappy as she must have +been unless she had lost all that was excellent and hopeful. + +These thoughts would comfort Marian when she went up to bed, harassed, +weary, disgusted with cares and vexations, and craving for rest and +sympathy. She thought of the home that awaited her at Fern Torr, the +hope that had carried her through last autumn, but withal came a dim +vague perception that a great sacrifice might be before her. Would it be +right to seek her own happiness and repose there, and leave the Lyddells +to their present distress? She did not think she was of much use, Clara +was all-sufficient for her mother, and Marian was rather less liked by +Mrs. Lyddell than formerly; but as a support to Clara, as a companion to +Lionel, and as some one to talk to Mr. Lyddell, she was not absolutely +useless. She had no doubt Clara and Lionel would miss her sadly, indeed +it would be unkind to leave them, it would be positively wrong to +forsake them when she was of some value, and go where she could not +suppose herself to be actually wanted, though she might be loved and +cherished. Yet to give up that beloved hope! The vision that had +delighted her from the first years of her orphanhood; the hope become +tangible beyond all expectations, the wish of her heart. To give up +home, Edmund and Agnes, for this weary life! How could she? But it was +not worth while to think about it yet, things might change, before they +were ready for her, Mrs. Lyddell might recover, Clara and Lionel might +grow sufficient for each other, anything might, would or should happen, +rather than she would give up her beloved hope of the home she longed +for, especially now the house was actually building, and each letter +brought her accounts of its progress. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + "Perchance it was ours on life's journey to enter + Some path through whose shadows no lovelight was thrown, + With heart that could breast the fierce storms of its winter, + And gather the wealth of its harvest alone; + It is well there are stars in bright heaven to guide us + To heights we ne'er dreamt of,--but oh, to forget + The fortunes that bar, and the gulfs that divide us + From paths that looked lovely, with some we have met." + + F. BROWNE. + + +Many weeks had passed away, and nothing had changed, in any +material way, since the spring. Mrs. Lyddell's condition was still +unsatisfactory, and she seemed to be settling into a confirmed state of +ill health, and almost of hypochondriacism. So many shocks, following +each other in such quick succession, on a person entirely unprepared by +nature, experience or self-regulation, had entirely broken her down, and +shattered her nerves and spirits in a manner which she seemed less and +less like to recover. She was only able to rise late in the day, take a +short drive, and after dining in her own room, come down in the evening, +if they were alone, and it was a good day with her. + +No change, neither sea air, nor London advice, had made much difference, +and her condition had become so habitual, that her family had ceased to +expect any considerable amendment; and it was likely that Clara would, +for many years, have full employment as her companion and attendant. +Lionel was perfectly, hopelessly blind, but growing reconciled to his +misfortune, and habituated to the privation, as well as resigned in +will. His natural character, of a high-spirited, joyous, enterprising +boy, showed itself still in his independence and fearlessness, joined to +cheerfulness, and enlivened the house. He had even gone the length of +talking freely and drolly to his father, and Mr. Lyddell had learnt to +smile, and even laugh at his fun. + +There had been fears that the removal to London, for the session of +Parliament, would be a great privation to him, since he would miss the +wandering about the downs by himself, and the riding with Marian; but +his temper and spirits did not fail. He walked every day with her, and +was entertained with all he heard, both by his own quick ears, and by +her description. They went to exhibitions, where she saw for him, and +there were lectures, readings, and other oral amusements, to which his +father, or some good-natured friend, would take him. He began to acquire +a taste for music, which he had hitherto never cared to hear, and +concerts became a great delight to him: though he had not the correct +ear, and admirable appreciation of music, that often, in blind persons, +seems like a compensation for the loss of the pleasures of the eye. + +Lady Marchmont became very kind to him. She was thoroughly good natured, +and the sight of the blind youth, whose arm Marian held as they walked +together, stirred all her kindly feelings. He was gentlemanlike +and pleasant looking, and his manner, now divested of schoolboy +_brusquerie_, was frank and confiding. Selina was disposed to like him, +and to be interested in him. She found, too, that Marian did not like to +go out when his amusement was not provided for; so at first for Marian's +sake, then for his own, she made him join them when they went to +concerts, or to any other amusement that could gratify him. Her bright +liveliness and spirited way of talking, won him; and it delighted Marian +to see what great friends they became, even to the length of laughing +over the old Wreath of Beauty story together. And when at length she was +brought, of her own accord, in some degree to patronise Clara, it was a +triumph indeed; and Mrs. Lyddell was more obliged to Marian than for all +the real benefits she had conferred, when she saw Clara dressed to go to +a party at Lady Marchmont's. + +All this time Marian was becoming more and more a prey to that secret +doubt, whether it might not be a duty to give up her cherished hope of a +home at Fern Torr. She did not see how she could be spared. Clara was an +admirable attendant on her mother, and was becoming a better mistress of +the house; but she was not able to be at the same time a companion to +her father and Lionel, and, poor girl, she would be very forlorn and +much at a loss, without Marian's elder sisterhood; for the sense of help +and reliance that Marian's presence gave her was little less. For her to +go away, would be to bring home to Clara the loss of Caroline more than +she had ever been left to feel it. + +Yet, on the other hand, Clara was no companion. They talked, indeed, but +they never discussed,--never had any interchange of higher sympathies or +reflections; it was not getting beyond the immediate matter in hand; +and often Marian, would be sensible that, if her own pleasure were +consulted, a walk or ride, with her thoughts free to range in meditation +or day-dream, was preferable to Clara's chatter. + +Her own pleasure,--that she enjoyed but little, and less now than ever, +for her time was never her own. There was Lionel on her hands almost +every day, to be read to, or walked with; and if he went out with his +father, or spent an hour in his mother's room, there was Clara wanting +her quite as much, for gossip, exercise, or consultation. Mrs. Lyddell, +too, must be visited; for though Marian was not the most beloved, +or most welcome person in the world, yet a change of society and +conversation was desirable, both for her sake and Clara's; so more +than two hours every day were spent in her sitting-room. Then, in the +evening, Marian's thoughts and ears must be free for Mr. Lyddell and +Lionel. All her own pursuits were at an end, she had hardly touched a +pencil the whole year, nor opened a German book, nor indeed any book, +excepting what she read to Lionel, and these were many. She was very +seldom able to enjoy the luxury of being alone; she could hardly even +write her letters, except by sitting up for them; and even the valuable +hour before midnight was not certain to be her own, for if Clara had no +other time to pour out her cares, she used to come then, and linger in +her cousin's room, reiterating petty perplexities, endless in detail. + +How delightful to escape from all this, to quietness, peace, freedom +from her own cares and other people's,--Fern Torr air and scenery, +Edmund and Agnes for companions, and liberty to teach school children, +go about among her own people, do good in her own way, and enjoy her own +studies. It was like a captive longing to be set free,--a wanderer in +sight of home. + +But the captive paused on the threshold of the dungeon; the wanderer +stood still on the brow of the last hill. Marian paced up and down her +own room, and thought and reasoned half aloud,-- + + "Sweet is the smile of home, the mutual look, + When hearts are of each other sure; + Sweet all the joys that crown the household nook, + The haunt of all affections pure: + Yet in the world even these abide, and we + Above the world our calling boast." + +"And I am making them the world, if for their sake I give up what my +conscience calls on me to do. I know, though I do little good here, my +going away would make them more uncomfortable. Have I any right to seek +my pleasure? But I should do more good there; I should go to school, +read to the poor people, go to Church in the week, be more improved +myself. O that home of peace and joy! And Gerald--my first duty is to +him. But what harm would it do him? I could go home for his holidays. I +must not deceive myself; I have been put in the way of positive duties +here, or rather, ways of being useful have grown up round me. Is it +right to run away from them,--poor Lionel, poor Clara! Would not every +weary hour of Lionel's--every time Clara was teased, and teased +her father,--be my fault? But how Edmund and Agnes will be +disappointed!--they who will have been throwing away so much kind care! +O you goose of a Marian! are you going to fancy it is for your sake that +they mean to marry? don't you think they can do very well without you? +How very silly to be sorry that it must be so!--how very, very silly! +And even Gerald will marry one of these days, and will not want me; and +shall I always be alone then? For as to that other sort of affection, I +am sure it is quite certain that I can never care for any body enough to +marry,--never half as well as for Gerald. No, no one will ever love me +as I do others; every one has some one nearer to them; a lonely life, +and never a home! Well, then there is a home somewhere else, and those +who made my earthly home are waiting for me there, in the Land of the +Leal." + +Such was the tenor of Marian's oft-repeated musings. The practical +result was a resolution to consult Edmund when she should go to Fern +Torr to his wedding, early in August. She could not write her pros and +cons, but to Edmund she could tell them, and trust to him as a just and +impartial judge; and if Agnes was angry, it would serve them, thought +Marian, smiling, for a quarrel, for they won't have many other chances +of one. + +However, the time drew on when, behold, every one's calculations were +disturbed by a sudden dissolution of Parliament. Hitherto such events +had not made much difference to the Lyddells; as Mr. Lyddell's election +had been, for the last twenty years, unopposed; and the only doubt +at present was, whether he thought it worth while to stand again, +considering that he was growing old and weary of business, and besides +could not well afford the London house. + +He had been hinting something of the kind to Lionel and Marian in the +evening, as a matter under consideration and they had heard it with +joy, when the next morning made a sudden change in affairs, by bringing +tidings that Mr. Faulkner was soliciting the votes of Mr. Lyddell's +constituents on the opposite interest, taking the wrong side of the +question,--a most important one, upon which the dissolution had taken +place. + +Here was indignation indeed. There was something so unfeeling in such a +proceeding, on his part, that the mildest word spoken against him was +Marian's, and that was "atrocious." To give up was one thing, to be thus +turned out was quite another; and it was clearly right to the moral +sense, as well as satisfactory to the indignant temper, that Mr. Lyddell +should oppose "to the last gasp," as the furious Lionel expressed it, +one who espoused principles so pernicious both in politics and religion. +One thing was certain, that nobody would ever wish again that Caroline +had married him. Ill as Mr. Lyddell could afford the expense of a +contested election, his blood was up, and he was determined not to yield +an inch. Never had Marian believed she could grow so vehement about +anything that concerned him, but now her whole soul seemed to be in his +success. He had always been on the right side; and now that a steadily +growing sense of religion was influencing all his actions, he was just +the fit person for his position, and Marian could, on principle, wish +earnestly to see him retain it, for his own sake, as well as to keep out +Mr. Faulkner. But, alas! poor Marian, that the ministers should have +chosen this precise time, so as just to bring the election the very week +of Edmund's wedding! + +What was to be done? Mrs. Lyddell could not believe that an election +would go on right without dinner-parties of every visitable individual +in the county; and how was Clara to manage them all? Mrs. Lyddell's only +experiment, in coming into the room when there was company, had done her +so much harm, that it was not on any account to be repeated; and her +restlessness and anxiety,--her persuasion that nothing could be done +well in which she was not concerned,--made the keeping her quiet a more +anxious business than even the receiving company. There was Mr. Lyddell +wanting to have lists written, and needing all sorts of small helps to +which he had been used from his active wife; everything came on the two +girls, and Marian did not see how she could be spared even for the three +days it would take to go to the wedding. + +Perhaps that excitement about the election would have somewhat dulled +the acuteness of the sacrifice, if it had not been for what was to come +after it. The die must be cast without consultation with Edmund; she +must write and tell them that their kind design for her was in vain. + +Gerald was at Oakworthy for the first week of his holidays, and he was +the only person she could call to hold council with her. She had some +difficulty in catching him; for he was galloping about with messages +all day, figuring to himself that he produced a grand effect in the +canvass,--making caricatures, describing them to Lionel, and conducting +him wherever he was not expected to be seen. However, catch him she did, +at bed-time, and pulling him into her room, propounded her difficulty. + +"Gerald, I don't see how I am ever to manage to go with you to their +wedding." + +Ha? don't you? Well, it would be a pity to lose the nomination-day, and +the show of hands; I should travel all night to be in time, but you +could not, I suppose?" + +"I? why you don't think I should go to it?" + +"Lionel will--I am to take care of Lionel. Can't you go? What a bore it +must be to be a woman! Well, then, why don't you come to the wedding?" + +"Because I think Clara will get into such a fuss, if there is no one to +help her at the dinner the evening before. There is Mrs. Pringle coming +to dine and sleep, so it can't be only a gentleman's party: and there is +so much to do." + +"Whew! it will be very stupid of you not to come; and how Agnes will +scold! But I suppose yen can't be everywhere. One would give up +something for the sake of beating such a rogue as that Faulkner." + +"If we were but sure of doing it." + +"Sure! Why we shall smash him to shivers, if one fortieth part of the +people are but as good as their word. Did I tell you, Marian, how I +answered that old farmer to-day?" &c., &c., all which Marian had to +hear, before she could get him back to the matter in hand. + +"I am almost sorry to give up those three days," he said, "though it is +for their wedding; but you see, Marian," and the boy spoke with his air +of consequence, "I think it is expected of me, and they would all be +disappointed. It would not look as if it was well between Edmund and mo, +if I was not present; but you can please yourself, you know." + +"Yes, yes, you could not stay away," said Marian; "I should be very +sorry that you should. You must go." + +"And if I come away that afternoon, I may be back by the mail train by +one at night, and be in time for the show of hands. Hurrah! I've a'mind +to write to Jemmy, to buy up all the rotten eggs in Fern Torr." + +"You wild animal! But do be sensible a little while, Gerald, for I have +something serious to ask your advice upon." + +"Well,"--and all the wisdom of sixteen was at her service. + +"I want to know what you think about my living here, or at Fern Torr?" + +"Hollo! why I thought it was settled long ago that you were to live at +the Quarry with them." + +"So it was; but I don't know whether I am not more wanted here than +there." + +"You don't mean that that have changed their mind, and don't want to +have you?" + +"Not a bit--O dear, no! but I think, somehow, Clara and Lionel find me +of more use than they would." + +"To be sure, this place would be in a pretty tolerable sort of a mess +without you. I don't know how any of them would get on." + +"Well, then, I wanted your opinion, Gerald; I had better tell Edmund and +Agnes that I ought to stay on here." + +"But what am I to do? I mean to be at Fern Torr in the holidays, I +assure you, except a week or two, just to see Lionel; and I don't mean +to have my holidays without you, I declare!" + +"O, I hope always to come home for them." + +"Why, then, if I have you when I am at home, I don't care,--I mean--" +said Gerald, conscious of the egotism he was committing, "I mean you +don't like it half so well, do you?" + +"O no--I mean--I don't know--" + +"Which do you mean?" + +"I don't know--at least, of course, I had rather be with Edmund and +Agnes than anybody else, except you; but then, if I was thinking Lionel +had no one to read to him, or to ride with, or that Mrs. Lyddell was +worse, and Clara unhappy, I could hardly enjoy it." + +"You would not think so much about it if you were away from them." + +"Perhaps not, but it would be the same, and it would haunt me at night." + +"But, Marian, you can't give up Edmund and Agnes now they have built a +room for you." + +"I must have it when I come for your holidays." + +"Well, you must do as you please," said Gerald. + +"And you won't be vexed?" + +"Vexed! Why should I? It is nothing to me, if I have you when I am at +home; and, indeed, I don't see what poor Lionel would do without you. I +suppose it is the best way, since you like it; only you must settle it +with Agnes your own way. I shall tell her it is not my fault. Won't she +be in a rage, that's all!" + +With which sentence Sir Gerald's acquiescence was conveyed, with little +perception of the struggle in his sister's mind, and of the pain and +grief it was to her to write to her cousin and friend, begging them to +release her from her promise. + +As to the rest of the house, they never appeared to think at all about +her quitting them; or if Clara and Lionel did, perchance, remember that +it had been spoken of, they hoped it had blown over, and dreaded the +revival of the idea too much to refer to it. Not one of the whole family +guessed that to them was sacrificed the most treasured project of +Marian's life. + +She had made up her mind, but she could not bear to write to tell her +friend that her plans were frustrated; so it was to Edmund that she +wrote the full detail of her reasons and regrets, begging him to forgive +her, and to make her peace with Agnes; while she begged Mrs. Wortley to +excuse her for missing the wedding. + +Edmund's answer was just what she wished, and indeed expected. "You are +right," he said, "and it is of no use to tell you how sorry we are. It +is impossible to be so selfish as to wish you to act otherwise, and in +process of time you may perhaps obtain Agnes' pardon: in the mean time +we never walk to the Quarry, without her abusing you for giving so much +trouble for nothing. I would only advise one thing, namely, that you +make no promise nor engagement respecting your place of residence, since +circumstances may alter; and you had better not feel yourself bound. +With this proviso we resign you to your own judgment, and to the place +where you seem indeed at present to be most wanted." + +So wrote Edmund: Agnes did not write at all. Marian announced that she +had given up going to the wedding. Clara was sorry she should miss it, +but could not guess how she should have managed without her; and no +one else had leisure to think at all, or else considered it quite as a +matter of course that site should not go away when she was wanted. + +If any one had, seven years, or even one year ago, told Marian how she +would spend that bridal day, her incredulity would have been complete. +So absorbed was she in Mr. Lyddell's election affairs that she hardly +had time to think about it, between hopes and alarms, doubts and +intelligence, visitors and preparations, notes to be written and papers +to be found, Clara to be helped, Mrs. Lyddell to be kept quiet, Lionel's +news to hear, the dinner party to be entertained. Very differently had +Marian now learnt to sit in company from former days. She had a motive +now, in the wish to help Clara, and all her distant coldness had melted +into a quiet, kind, obliging manner, which had taught her to take +genuine interest even in common-place people, and caused it to be said +that Miss Arundel had ceased to be shy and haughty. It was all one +whirl, leaving no time for sitting down, and still less for musing. +Lionel went indeed with his father to the committee-room, and was there +half the day; for his services were wonderful, and particularly his +memory for names and places, to which Mr. Lyddell declared he would +rather trust than to any memorandum. He was thus out of Marian's way all +the morning, but there was enough to occupy her without him, and in the +afternoon he came home, full of news, and especially full of glory, in +a conquest of his own, a doubtful voter, whom he had recollected, and +undertaken to secure, had made the servant drive him round that way, +canvassed on his own account, and obtained a promise, extracted as +Marian suspected, by admiration of the blind young gentleman's high +spirit and independence. + +Mr. Lyddell was particularly delighted; when became home very late, just +before the eight o'clock dinner, he came up into his wife's room, and +told her the whole story, told Marian all over again on the stairs, and +told it a third time to some of the dinner guests, before Lionel came +down. Marian saw he valued that vote above all the rest. + +Busy as the day had been, Marian was resolved to sit up till her +brother's return at two o'clock in the morning, to hear his tidings, and +she expected to enjoy the space for thinking; but the thoughts would +not be settled, and instead of dwelling on Edmund and Agnes, she found +herself continually going back to the voters' list, and counting up the +forces on each side. Then she grew sleepy, and fell into a long musing +dream of shapeless fancies, woke herself, tried to write to Agnes, and +went off into her former vision of felicity in the house at the Quarry, +which she indulged in, forgetting that she had renounced it. At last +came the sounds of a carriage, and of opening doors. She met Gerald on +the stairs, but he was sleepy and would say little. "It had all gone off +very well--yes--nobody cried--he had a bit of wedding-cake for her, and +here was a note, she should hear all about it another time;"--yawn, and +he shut himself into his own room. That was all Marian obtained by her +vigil. You, there was the note, put in with the wedding cards. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--I can't relieve my mind by scolding + you, and I don't know what else you have a right to + expect after the way you have treated us. They tell me I + must write, and I have not a word to say, though I always + promised you should have the first letter from + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "AGNES ARUNDEL." + +Wild as ever, thought Marian, as a little disappointed, she laid down +the note, but she understood how Agnes had felt obliged to write, in +hurry and agitation, and just because she felt deeply, had been unable +to express herself otherwise than what some people would call foolishly +and unsuitably. + +There was not much more of the wedding to be heard from Gerald the next +morning, for he was full of the nomination, and proud of having Lionel +under his especial charge. + +This day was as wild a bustle as the former one, and there was still +more excitement in the evening. Of course the show of hands had been in +favour of Mr. Faulkner, of course he and his proposer and seconder had +behaved one only more disgracefully than the other, of course the rabble +bad behaved shamefully, and the boys were almost beside themselves with +wrath; and besides the details of all these matters-of-course, the boys +had adventures of their own, for somehow Gerald and Lionel had been left +in the midst of a vituperative mob, out of which Gerald had brought off +his companion in a most spirited and successful way, without letting +any one discover Lionel's blindness, which would have been the most +efficient protection for both. Again and again Marian was told of the +gallant way in which both boys had conducted themselves, and proud and +pleased was she. + +Mr. Lyddell lost his seat, and the boys were half mad, a hundred times +more concerned than he was himself, while Marian moralized to herself +on why it was allowed to happen that he should be set aside from public +life, just when he would have begun to act on truly sound principles. +And yet perhaps the leisure he thus obtained, and the seclusion from the +whirl of politics were the very things he needed, to draw him entirely +apart from the world which had so long engrossed him. + +It was about sis weeks after this that Mr. and Mrs. Edmund Arundel, in +acceptance of a warm invitation from Mr. Lyddell, were driving along +the white road leading to Oakworthy, after a very pleasant visit to the +Marchmonts, when Selina had treated Agnes so affectionately, as to cause +her to forget all past neglect, and had, as Edmund said, scaled their +friendship, by raving at Marian's decision, "It was too bad," said she, +"when they had given up London,--the only thing that made it tolerable." + +To which, however, Agnes did not quite agree. + +"And now," said she, "I shall see whether Marian is happy." + +"I don't believe you wish her to be so," said Edmund. + +"No, I am not quite so spiteful," rejoined Agnes, "but in order to +forgive her, I must think it a very great sacrifice." + +"And have a marvellously high estimate of our two selves," said Edmund. + +"What do I see?" said Agnes. "Look at those two people riding on the +down up there against the sky, don't you see their figures? It is a +lady. Gould it be Marian? No, she is riding so close to the other--he +can't be a servant." + +"Lionel, I suspect," said Edmund. + +"The poor blind boy! O surely she does not ride alone with him! O what a +pretty cantering on the turf. It is really Marian, I see now. How I do +like to see her ride." + +A moment or two more, and descending from the high green slope, the two +riders were on the road meeting the carriage. Marian looked her best +on horseback, with her excellent seat, and easy, fearless manner, her +little hat and feathers became her fine features, and the air and +exercise gave them animation, which made her more like a picture of +Velasquez and less like a Grecian statue than she was at any other time. +Lionel rode almost close to her, a bright glow of sunshine on his lively +face, and a dexterity and quickness in his whole air that made Agnes +hesitate for a second or two, whether he could really be the blind +youth. A joyous "How d'ye do?" was called out on each side. "Well, +Lionel," then said Edmund, "are you quite well?" + +"O yes, thank you," replied a gay voice, "we thought we would see if we +could not meet you." + +"We rode over the down," said Marian, "and we are going back the same +way. We shall be at home as soon as you are. Good-bye. To the right, +Lionel." + +And they were seen trotting up the hill again, then as the carriage came +in sight of the front door, there was Lionel jumping Marian down from +her saddle. Agnes did not know how to believe that he could not see, as +she watched his upright bearing, and rapid, fearless step, so unlike the +groping ways of persons who have lost their sight later in life. + +Clara presently came down, and Agnes was struck with her more thoughtful +face, and collected manner, so unlike the giddy child she had last seen, +not intellectual indeed, but quiet, lady-like, and sensible. And as to +Mr. Lyddell, he looked so worn and so much older, so subdued in manner, +and so free from those over civilities of former times, that Agnes made +up her mind that he must not be hated. + +Of Mrs. Lyddell she saw very little, only sitting in her room for an +hour each morning, as a visitor, but it was evident she was very much +out of health, and a great charge to them all. Agnes could be sorry for +her, but could not like her while she did not speak more cordially of +Marian. All praise of her had something forced and against the grain, +and Agnes thought her intensely ungrateful. + +Lionel interested Agnes extremely, with his happy, independent ways, +unrepining temper and spirit of enterprise. He was always eager about +some contrivance of his own, and just at this time it was wood-carving. +His left hand showed as much sticking-plaster as skin, and he used to +come into the drawing-room with it wrapped up in his handkerchief and +say, "Here's another, Marian," when Marian very quietly produced her +sticking-plaster, as if it was quite an ordinary matter; nay, would +not follow up the suggestion that he should not have so sharp a knife, +saying that it was much better to cut one's finger with a sharp knife +than a blunt one. He had cut about twenty bits of wood to waste, to say +nothing of hands, but he persevered with amusing energy, and before the +end of the visit had achieved a capital old man's head for the top of a +walking stick, which he presented to Edmund. He promised Agnes a set of +silk winders, and in the mean time made great friends with her, getting +her to tell him about her brother's sporting adventures, and in return +making himself very amusing with relations out of his sailor brother's +letters. Johnny had been concerned in the great exploit of climbing the +Peter Bottle mountain, and Lionel was as proud of it as if he had done +it himself, making Marian show everybody a drawing which Gerald had made +of the appearance that Johnny must have cut, standing on one leg on the +highest stone. They were also struck with the change in the manner in +which Walter was regarded, and the pride and affection with which all +the family spoke of his doings at his curacy. + +But that Marian, though not prominent, and apparently merely a guest, +was necessary to the comfort of each member of the family, was a thing +that at the end of a fortnight, Agnes could not deny. Nor could she +attempt to make up a case to show that she and her husband were equally +in want of her. + +"So, Marian," said she, as they parted, "I forgive you on condition of +your spending Christmas with us." + +"And I ought to forgive you," said Edmund, "in consideration of the +fulfilment of my prediction that you would not be able to leave the +Lyddells when I was ready to receive you." + +Marian smiled, and watched them from the door. As they lost sight of +the house, Edmund turned to his wife, saying, "How little we are fit to +order events! Here, Agnes, I looked back at this house six years ago +in a sort of despair. I was ready to reproach Providence, to reproach +everything. I thought I saw my uncle's children in the way to be ruined, +all his work undone, and there was I, unable to act, and yet with the +responsibility of the care of them. I tell you, Agnes, I never was so +wretched in my life. And yet what short-sightedness! There has Marian +been, placed, like a witness of the truth, calm, firm, constant, +guarding herself and her brother first, and then softening, and winning +all that came under her influence." + +"Oh! but, Edmund, your coming home saved Gerald," said the wife, who +could not see her husband's credit given away even to Marian. + +"I brought the experience and authority that she could not have, but +vain would have been my attempts without the sense of right she had +always kept up in his mind. Trouble has done much for those Lyddells, +but I don't believe that without her, it would have had that effect: +When I remember what Mr. Lyddell was, his carelessness, the painful +manner in which he used to talk; when I see him now, when I think of +what that poor Caroline was saved from, when I see the alteration in +Clara, and watch that blind boy, then I see indeed that our little +Marian, whom we thought thrown away and spoilt, was sent there to be +a blessing. If she had been naturally a winning, gentle, persuasive +person, I should have thought less of the wonder; but in her it is +the simple force of goodness, undecorated. I once feared the constant +opposition in which she lived, would harden her, but instead, she has +softened, sweetened, and lost all that was hard and haughty in her ways, +when it was no longer needed for a protection. Selina Marchmont has +failed too in giving her the exclusive spirit which I once feared +for her. It is as if she had a spell for passing through the world +unscathed." + +"And you think she is happy?" + +"As happy as those that never look for their happiness in this world." + +Agnes sighed. "My vision has always been," said she, "to see Marian as +happy as--ourselves." + +"She may be yet," said Edmund smiling, "but she has the best sort of +happiness. She is in less danger of clinging to this world than we are. +And somehow she gives me the impression of one too high and noble to +seek her happiness in the way in which most people look for it. Yes, +we ourselves, Agnes, we have a nest and home in this world; she stands +above it, and her only relation with it is to make others happy." + +"She little thinks how we talk of her," said Agnes. "And still stranger +it is, that with the reverence I have for her, I can play with her and +scold her." + +A silence; ending with Agnes repeating, + + "GOOD LORD, through this world's troubled way + Thy children's course secure; + And lead them onward day by day, + Kindly like Thee and pure. + + "Be theirs to do Thy work of love, + All erring souls to win; + Amid a sinful world to move, + Yet give no smile to sin." + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + +This file should be named 72grd10.txt or 72grd10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 72grd11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 72grd10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Two Guardians + +Author: Charlotte Mary Yonge + +Release Date: February, 2006 [EBook #9926] +[This file was first posted on October 31, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + + + + +E-text prepared by Michigan University, Joshua Hutchinson, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +THE TWO GUARDIANS + +or, HOME IN THIS WORLD + +by CHARLOTTE MARY YONGE + +THE AUTHOR OF "THE HEIR OF REDCLYFFE," "HENRIETTA'S WISH," "KENNETH," +"HEARTSEASE," "THE CASTLE BUILDERS," ETC. + +1871 + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Stay here, Marian! I don't care if all the world heard +me."] + + + +PREFACE. + + +In putting forth another work, the Author is anxious to say a few words +on the design of these stories; not with a view to obviate criticism, +but in hopes of pointing to the moral, which has been thought not +sufficiently evident, perhaps because it has been desired to convey, +rather than directly inculcate it. + +Throughout these tales the plan has been to present a picture of +ordinary life, with its small daily events, its pleasures, and its +trials, so as to draw out its capabilities of being turned to the best +account. Great events, such as befall only a few, are thus excluded, +and in the hope of helping to present a clue, by example, to the +perplexities of daily life, the incidents, which render a story +exciting, have been sacrificed, and the attempt has been to make the +interest of the books depend on character painting. + +Each has been written with the wish to illustrate some principle which +may be called the key note. "Abbeychurch" is intended to show the need +of self-control and the evil of conceit in different manifestations; +according to the various characters, "Scenes and Characters" was meant +to exemplify the effects of being guided by mere feeling, set in +contrast with strict adherence to duty. In "Henrietta's Wish" the +opposition is between wilfulness and submission--filial submission as +required, in the young people, and that of which it is a commencement as +well as a type, as instanced in Mrs. Frederick Langford. The design of +the "Castle Builders" is to show the instability and dissatisfaction of +mind occasioned by the want of a practical, obedient course of daily +life; with an especial view to the consequences of not seeking strength +and assistance in the appointed means of grace. + +And as the very opposite to Emmeline's feeble character, the heroine +of the present story is intended to set forth the manner in which a +Christian may contend with and conquer this world, living in it but not +of it, and rendering it a means of self-renunciation. It is therefore +purposely that the end presents no great event, and leaves Marian +unrecompensed save by the effects her consistent well doing has +produced on her companions. Any other compensation would render her +self-sacrifice incomplete, and make her no longer invisibly above the +world. + +_October 14th_, 1852. + + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + "With fearless pride I say + That she is healthful, fleet, and strong + And down the rocks will leap along, + Like rivulets in May." + + WORDSWORTH. + + +Along a beautiful Devonshire lane, with banks of rock overhung by tall +bowery hedges, rode a lively and merry pair, now laughing and talking, +now summoning by call or whistle the spaniel that ran by their side, or +careered through the fields within the hedge. + +The younger was a maiden of about twelve years old, in a long black and +white plaid riding-skirt, over a pink gingham frock, and her dark hair +hidden beneath a little cap furnished with a long green veil, which +was allowed to stream behind her in the wind, instead of affording the +intended shelter to a complexion already a shade or two darkened by the +summer sun, but with little colour in the cheeks; and what there was, +only the pale pink glow like a wild rose, called up for the moment +by warmth and exercise, and soon to pass away. Still there was no +appearance of want of health; the skin was of a clear, soft, fresh shade +of brown; the large dark eyes, in spite of all their depth of melancholy +softness, had the wild, untamed animation of a mountaineer; the face and +form were full of free life and vigour, as she sat erect and perfectly +at ease on her spirited little bay pony, which at times seemed so lively +that it might have been matter of surprise to a stranger that so young a +horsewoman should be trusted on its back. + +Her companion was a youth some ten or eleven years her senior, +possessing a handsome set of regular features, with a good deal of +family likeness to hers; dark eyes and hair, and a figure which, though +slight, was rather too tall to look suitable to the small, stout, strong +pony which carried him and his numerous equipments, consisting of a long +rod-case, a fishing-basket and landing-net, in accordance with the lines +of artificial flies wreathed round his straw hat, and the various oddly +contrived pockets of his grey shooting-coat. + +In the distance at the end of the lane there appeared two walking +figures. "Mrs. Wortley!" exclaimed the young lady. + +"No, surely not out so soon!" was the answer. "She is in the depth of +lessons." + +"No, but Edmund, it is, look, and Agnes too! There, Ranger has better +eyes than you; he is racing to them." + +"Well, I acknowledge my mistake," said Edmund, drawing up his rein as +they came upon the pair,--a pleasing lady, and a pretty blue-eyed girl +of fourteen. "I did not believe my eyes, Mrs. Wortley, though Marian +tried to persuade me. I thought you were always reading Italian at this +time in the morning, Agnes". + +"And I thought you were reading Phædrus with Gerald," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"Ay," said Agnes, "we did not know what to make of you coming up the +lane; you with your lance there, like the Red Cross Knight himself, and +Marian with her palfry for Una." + +"The knight must have borrowed the dwarf's ass," said Edmund, laughing, +and putting his lance in rest. + +"And where have you been, then, at this portentous time of day, Agnes?" +asked Marian. + +"We heard a report of Betty Lapthorn's child having another fit," said +Agnes, "and set off to see; but it turned out to be a false alarm. And +now we are going up to the Manor House to ask Lady Arundel if she has +any arrowroot for it, for ours is all used up." + +"Shall we find her at leisure?" added Mrs. Wortley. + +"Yes," said Marian. "Gerald has finished his lessons by this time. +Mamma thought it would be too far for him to go with us, and besides he +frightens the fish." + +"Which you are in too good training to do, Marian," said Mrs. Wortley. +"And how is your papa to-day?" + +"Oh, it is a good day," said Marian: "he was up before we set off." + +"Down stairs? For perhaps we had better not go now, just after he is +tired with coming down," said Mrs. Wortley. "Now, Mr. Arundel, you will +tell me honestly, and this arrowroot will do just as well another time; +or if Marian will carry home the message--" + +"Well," said Edmund, smiling, "to give you a proof of my sincerity, I +think you had better perhaps go rather later in the day. My uncle very +unnecessarily hurried himself, thinking that he was keeping me waiting +to help him down stairs, and I thought he seemed rather tired; but he +will be very glad to see you in the afternoon. Indeed, he would be very +glad now, only you asked me as a question of prudence." + +"Don't make civil speeches at the end to spoil just such a reply as I +wanted," said Mrs. Wortley. "I am afraid you do not think Sir Edmund +much better since you were last at home." + +Edmund shook his head. "If he has not lost ground, it is well," said he, +"and I think at least there is less pain." + +"Well, I will not keep you any longer," said Mrs. Wortley; "good-bye, +and good sport to you." + +And with a wave of the hand on rode the two cousins, Edmund and Marian +Arundel. + +"What an excellent thing it is for the village that those Wortleys are +come!" said Edmund. + +"Yes; now that mamma cannot attend much to the school and poor people, I +don't know what we should do without them. How different it was in old +Mr. May's time! I hope we shall get the Church set to rights now, when +papa is well enough to attend to it." + +"It is high time, certainly," said Edmund; "our Church is almost a +disgrace to us, especially with the Arundel aisle, to show what our +ancestors did." + +"No, not quite to us," said Marian; "you know papa would have done it +all long ago, if the idea had not vexed poor old Mr. May so much. But +Ranger! Ranger! where is Ranger, Edmund?" + +Edmund whistled, and presently, with whirring, rushing wing, there flew +over the hedge beside them a covey of partridges, followed by Ranger's +eager bark. Marian's pony started, danced, and capered; Edmund watched +her with considerable anxiety, but she reined it in with a steady, +dexterous, though not a strong hand, kept her seat well, and rode on in +triumph, while Edmund exclaimed, "Capital, Marian!" Then looking back, +"What a shot that was!" he added in a sort of parenthesis, continuing, +"I am proud, Mayflower is not a bit too much for you now, though I think +we must have given her up if you had had another tumble." + +"Oh, no, no, I do so delight in Mayflower, pretty creature!" said +Marian, patting her neck. "I like to feel that the creature I ride is +alive--not an old slug, like that animal which you are upon, Edmund." + +"That is decidedly ungrateful of you, Marian, when you learnt to ride +upon this identical slug, and owe the safety of your neck to its quiet +propensities. Now take care down this stony hill; hold her up well--that +is right." + +Care was certainly needed as they descended the steep hill side; the +road, or rather pathway, cut out between high, steep, limestone rocks, +and here and there even bare of earth. Any one but a native would have +trembled at such a descent but though the cousins paid attention to +their progress, they had no doubts or alarms. At the bottom a clear +sparkling stream traversed the road, where, for the convenience of foot +passengers, a huge flat stone had been thrown across from one high bank +to the other, so as to form a romantic bridge. Marian, however, did not +avail herself of it, but rode gallantly through the shallow water, only +looking back at it to observe to Edmund, "We must make a sketch of that +some day or other." + +"I am afraid we cannot get far enough off," said Edmund, "to make a good +drawing of it. Too many things go to the making of the picturesque." + +"Yes, I know, but that is what I never can understand. I see by woeful +experience that what is pretty in itself will not make a pretty drawing, +and everyone says so; but I never could find out why." + +"Perhaps because we cannot represent it adequately." + +"Yes, but there is another puzzle; you sometimes see an exact +representation, which is not really a picture at all. Don't you know +that thing that the man who came to the door did of our house,--the +trees all green, and the sky all blue, and the moors all purple?" + +"As like as it can stare; yes, I know." + +"Well, why does that not satisfy us? why is it not a picture?" + +"Because it stares, I suppose. Why does not that picture of my aunt +at Mrs. Week's cottage satisfy you as well as the chalk sketch in the +dining-room?" + +"Because it has none of herself--her spirit." + +"Well, I should say that nature has a self and a spirit which must be +caught, or else the Chinese would be the greatest artists on the face of +the earth." + +"Yes, but why does an archway, or two trees standing up so as to +enclose the landscape, or--or any of those things that do to put in the +foreground, why do they enable you to make a picture, to catch this self +and spirit." + +"Make the phial to enclose the genie," said Edmund. "Abstruse questions, +Marian; but perhaps it is because they contract the space, so as to +bring it more to the level of our capacity, make it less grand, and more +what we can get into keeping. To be sure, he would be a presumptuous man +who tried to make an exact likeness of that," he added, as they reached +the top of the hill, and found themselves on an open common, with here +and there a mass of rock peeping up, but for the most part covered with +purple heath and short furze, through which Ranger coursed, barking +joyously. The view was splendid, on one side the moors rising one +behind the other, till they faded in grey distance, each crowned with +a fantastic pile of rocks, one in the form of a castle, another of +a cathedral, another of a huge crouching lion, all known to the two +cousins by name, and owned as familiar friends. On the other side, +between two hills, each surmounted by its own rocky crest, lay nestled +in woods the grey Church tower and cottages of the village of Fern Torr; +and far away stretched the rich landscape of field, wood, and pasture, +ending at length in the blue line of horizon, where sky and sea seemed +to join. + +"Beautiful! how clear!" was all Marian's exclamation, though she drew +up her horse and gazed with eager eyes, and a deep feeling of the +loveliness of the scene, but with scarcely a remark. There was something +in the sight which made her heart too full for words. + +After a time of delighted contemplation, Ranger was summoned from a +close investigation of a rabbit-hole, and turning into a cart track, +the cousins rode down the side of the hill, where presently appeared +an orchard full of gnarled old apple trees, covered with fruit of all +shades of red, yellow, and green. A little further on were the large +stone barns, and picturesque looking house, which enclosed a farm-yard +strewn with heaps of straw, in which pigs, poultry, and red cows were +enjoying themselves. The gate was opened by a wild-looking cow-boy, who +very respectfully touched his cap; and at the house door appeared a nice +elderly looking old fashioned farmer's wife, who came forward to meet +them with bright looks of cordiality, and kindly greetings to Master +Edmund and Miss Marian. + +"Thank you, thank you, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund, as he held +Marian's pony; "we are come to ask if you will give our ponies stable +room for a couple of hours, while we go fishing up the river." + +"O yes, certainly, sir, but won't you come in a little while and rest? +it is a long walk for Miss Marian." + +They did comply with her invitation so far as to enter the large clean +kitchen; the kitchen for show, that is to say, with the sanded floor, +the bunch of evergreens in the covered kitchen-range, the dark old +fashioned clock, the bright range of crockery, and well polished oaken +table; and there, while Marian laid aside her riding-skirt, the good +woman commenced her anxious inquiries for Sir Edmund. + +"Pretty much the same as usual, thank you," said Edmund. + +"No better, then, sir? Ah! I was afraid how it was; it is so long since +I have seen him at church, and he used to come sometimes last summer: +and my husband said when he saw him last week about the rent, he was so +fallen away that he would hardly have known him." + +"It has been a very long illness," said Edmund. + +"Yes, sir; I do wish we could see him about among us again, speaking as +cheerful as he used." + +"Why he is very cheerful now, Mrs. Cornthwayte," said Edmund. "No one +who only heard him talk would guess how much he has to suffer." + +Mrs. Cornthwayte shook her head with a sort of gesture of compassionate +admiration, and presently added, + +"But do you think he gets better on the whole, Master Edmund? Do the +doctors say there is much likelihood of his being well again, and coming +among us?" + +Edmund looked down and did not reply very readily. "I am afraid we must +not hope for that; we must be satisfied as long as he does not lose +ground, and I certainly think he has had less pain of late." + +A little more conversation passed between Edmund and the good wife, and +a few words from Marian; after which they set off across one or two +fields towards the place of their destination, Marian carrying her +little sketching-basket in silence for some distance, until she suddenly +exclaimed, "Edmund, is papa really getting worse?" + +"Why should you think so, Marian?" + +"I don't know, only from what you say when people inquire after him; and +sometimes when I come to think about it, I believe he can do less than +last year. He gets up later, and does not go out so often, and now you +say he will never get quite well, and I always thought he would." + +"No, I am afraid there is no likelihood of that, Marian: the doctors say +he may be much better, but never quite well." + +"But do you think he is better?" + +"He has had less suffering of late, certainly, and so far we must be +thankful; but, as you say, Marian, I am afraid he is weaker than last +time I was at home, and I thought him much altered when I came. Still I +do not think him materially worse, and I believe I might have thought +him improved, if I had been here all the winter." + +Marian became silent again, for her disposition was not to express her +feelings readily, and besides, she was young enough to be able to put +aside anxiety which, perhaps, she did not fully comprehend. It was the +ordinary state of things for her father to be unwell, and his illness +scarcely weighed upon her spirits, especially on a holiday and day of +pleasure like the present; for though she often shared Edmund's walks +and rides, a long expedition like this was an unusual treat. + +After traversing several fields, they entered a winding path through a +copse, which, descending a steep hill side, conducted them at length to +the verge of a clear stream, which danced over or round the numerous +rocks which obstructed its passage, making a pleasant, rippling sound. +Here and there under the overhanging trees were deep quiet pools, where +the water, of clear transparent brown color, contained numbers of little +trout, the object of Edmund's pursuit. But more frequently the water +splashed, dashed, and brawled along its rocky way, at the bottom of +the narrow wooded ravine in which the valley ended. It was indeed a +beautiful scene, with the sun glancing on the green of the trees and +the bright sparkling water; and Marian could scarcely restrain her +exclamations of delight, out of consideration for the silence required +by her cousin's sport. She helped him to put his rod together, and +arrange his reel, with the dexterity of one who well understood the +matter; and then sat down under a fern-covered rock with a book in her +hand, whilst he commenced his fishing. As he slowly proceeded up the +stream, she changed her place so as to follow him at a distance; now and +then making expeditions into the wood at the side of the hill to study +some remarkable rock, some tree of peculiar form, or to gather a +handsome fern-leaf, or nodding fox-glove with its purple bells. Or the +little sketch-book came out, and she caught the form of the rock with a +few strokes of bold outline and firm shading, with more power over her +soft pencil than is usual at her age, though her foliage was not of the +most perfect description. Her own occupations did not, however, prevent +her from observing all her cousin's proceedings; she knew whenever he +captured a trout, she was at hand to offer help when his hook, was +caught in a bramble, and took full and complete interest in the sport. + +At last, after a successful fishing up the glen, they arrived at a place +where the ravine was suddenly closed in by a perpendicular rock of +about twenty feet in height, down which the water fell with its full +proportion of foam and spray, forming a cascade which Marian thought +"magnificent,"--Edmund, "very pretty." + +"Edmund, I am afraid the Lake country has spoilt you for Devonshire. I +wish they had never sent your regiment to the north!" + +"That would not prevent the falls in Westmoreland from being twice the +height of this." + +"It would prevent you from saying that here it is not as beautiful as +any thing can be." + +"And nothing short of that will satisfy you. You had better stand in a +narrow pass, and challenge every passer-by to battle in defence of the +beauty of Fern Torr." + +"I don't care about every body; but you, Edmund, ought to be more +dutiful to your own home." + +"You are exclusive, Marian; but come," and he stuck his rod into the +ground, "let us have some of your sandwiches." + +"Not till you confess that you like Fern Torr better than all the fine +places that you ever saw." + +"Liking with all one's heart is one thing, admiring above all others is +another, as you will find when you have seen more of the world, Marian." + +"I am sure I shall never think so." + +While this contest was going on, Marian had unpacked some sandwiches and +biscuits, and they sat down to eat them with the appetite due to such +a walk. Then came a conversation, in which Marian submitted to hear +something of the beauties of the Lakes, in the shape of a comment on the +"Bridal of Triermain," which she had brought with her; next an attempt +at sketching the cascade, in which Edmund was successful enough to make +Marian much discontented with her own performance, and declare that she +was tired of sitting still, and had a great mind to try to climb up the +rocks by the side of the fall. She was light, active, and well able to +scramble, and with a little help here and there from her cousin's strong +hand, the top was merrily gained; and springing along from rock to rock, +they traced the windings of the stream even to the end of the copse and +the opening of the moor. It was a great achievement for Marian, for even +Edmund had only once been this way before when out shooting. She would +fain have mounted to the top of a peak which bounded her view, but being +assured that she would only find Alps on Alps arise, she submitted to +Edmund's judgment, and consented to retrace her steps, through wood and +wild, to Mrs. Cornthwayte's, where they found a feast prepared for +them of saffron buns, Devonshire cream, and cyder. Then mounting their +steeds, and releasing Ranger from durance in the stable, they rode +homewards for about three miles, when they entered the village in the +valley at the foot of the steep rocky hill, from which it was named Fern +Torr. Excepting the bare rugged summit, this hill was well covered with +wood, and opposite to it rose more gently another elevation, divided +into fields and meadows. The little old Church, with its square tower, +and the neat vicarage beside it, were the only buildings above the rank +of cottages, of which some twenty stood irregularly ranged in their +gardens and orchards, along the banks of the bright little stream which +bounded the road, at present scarcely large enough to afford swimming +space for the numerous ducks that paddled in it; but the width of its +stony bed, and the large span of the one-arched bridge that traversed +it, showing what was its breadth and strength in the winter floods. + +A little beyond this bridge was a wicket gate, leading to a path up +the wooded height; and Edmund at this moment seeing a boy in a stable +jacket, asked Marian if he should not let him lead the ponies round +by the drive, while they walked up the steps. She readily agreed, and +Edmund helping her to dismount, they took their way up the path, which +after a very short interval led to a steep flight of steps, cut out +in the face of the limestone rock, and ascending through ferns, +mountain-ash, and rhododendrons for about fifty or sixty feet, when it +was concluded by what might be called either a broad terrace or narrow +lawn, upon which stood a house irregularly built of the rough stone +of the country, and covered with luxuriant myrtles and magnolias. +Immediately behind, the ground again rose so precipitously, that +scarcely could coign of vantage be won for the garden, on a succession +of narrow shelves or ledges, which had a peculiarly beautiful effect, +adorned, as they were, with gay flowers, and looking, as Edmund was wont +to say, as gorgeous and as deficient in perspective as an old piece of +tapestry. + +"There is papa out of doors," exclaimed Marian, as she emerged upon +the lawn, and ran eagerly up to a Bath chair, in which was seated a +gentleman whose face and form showed too certain tokens of long and +wasting illness. He held out his hand to her, saying, "Well, Marian, +good sport, I hope, and no more tumbles from Mayflower." + +"Marian sits like a heroine," said Edmund, coming up; "I am glad to see +you out." + +"It is such a fine evening that I was tempted to come and see the +magnolia that you have all been boasting of: and really it is worth +seeing. Those white blossoms are magnificent." + +"But where is mamma?" asked Marian. + +"Carried off by Gerald, to say whether he may have a superannuated sea +kale pot for some purpose best known to himself, in his desert island. +They will be here again in another minute. There, thank you, Edmund, +that is enough," he added, as his nephew drew his chair out of a streak +of sunshine which had just come over him. "Now, how far have you been? I +hope you have seen the cascade, Marian?" + +"O yes, papa, and scrambled up the side of it too. I had no idea of any +thing so beautiful," said Marian. "The spray was so white and glancing. +Oh! I wish I could tell you one half of the beauty of it." + +"I remember well the delight of the first discovery of it," said Sir +Edmund, "when I was a mere boy, and found my way there by chance, as I +was shooting. I came up the glen, and suddenly found myself in the midst +of this beautiful glade, with the waterfall glancing white in the sun." + +"I wish we could transplant it," said Edmund; "but after all, perhaps +its being so remote and inaccessible is one of its great charms. Ah! +young monkey, is it you?" added he, as Gerald, a merry bright-eyed boy +of seven years old, came rushing from behind and commenced a romping +attack upon him. "Take care, not such a disturbance close to papa." + +"O mamma, we have had the most delightful day!" cried Marian, springing +to the side of her mother, who now came forward from the kitchen garden, +and whose fair and gentle, but careworn, anxious face, lighted up with a +bright sweet smile, as she observed the glow on her daughter's usually +pale cheek, and the light that danced in her dark brown eye. + +"I'm glad you have had such a pleasant day, my dear," said she. "It is +very kind in Edmund to be troubled with such a wild goose." + +"Wild geese are very good things in their way," said Edmund; "water and +land, precipice and moor, 'tis all the same to them." + +"And when will you take me, Edmund?" asked Gerald. + +"When you have learnt to comport yourself with as much discretion as +Marian, master," said Edmund, sitting down on the grass, and rolling the +kicking, struggling boy over and over, while Marian stood by her papa, +showing him her sketches, and delighted by hearing him recognize the +different spots. "How can you remember them so well, papa," said she, +"when it is so very long since you saw them?" + +"That is the very reason," he answered, "we do not so much dwell on what +is constantly before us as when we have long lost sight of it. To be +confined to the house for a few years is an excellent receipt for +appreciating nature." + +"Yes, because it must make you wish for it so much," said Marian sadly. + +"Not exactly," said her father. "You cannot guess the pleasure it has +often given me to recall those scenes, and to hear you talk of them; +just as your mamma likes to hear of Oakworthy." + +"Certainly," said Lady Arundel. "I have remembered much at poor old +Oakworthy that I never thought of remarking at the time I was there. +Even flaws in the glass, and cracks in the ceiling have returned upon +me, and especially since the house has been pulled down." + +"I cannot think how the natives of an old house can wilfully destroy all +their old associations, their heirloooms," said Edmund. + +"Sometimes they have none," said his aunt. + +"Ay," said Sir Edmund, "when Gerald brings home a fine wife from +far away, see what she will say to all our dark passages and corner +cupboards, and steps up and steps down." + +"Oh! I shall not be able to bear her if she does not like them," cried +Marian. + +"I suppose that was the case with Mrs. Lyddell," added Sir Edmund, "that +she discovered the deficiencies of the old house, as well as brought +wherewith to remedy them. He does not look like a man given to change." + +"He has no such feeling for association as these people," said Lady +Arundel, pointing to Edmund and Marian; "he felt his position, in the +country raised by her fortune, and was glad to use any means of adding +to his consequence." + +"I should like to see more of them. I wish we could ask them to stay +here," said Sir Edmund, with something like a sigh. "But come, had we +not better go in? The hungry fishers look quite ready for tea." + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + "And now I set thee down to try + How thou canst walk alone." + + _Lyra Innocentium_. + + +Scarcely eight months had passed since the last recorded conversation, +when Marian, in a dress of deep mourning, was slowly pacing the garden +paths, her eyes fixed on the ground, and an expression of thoughtful +sadness on her face. Heavy indeed had been the strokes that had fallen +upon her. Before the last summer had closed, the long sufferings of her +father had been terminated by one of the violent attacks, which had +often been expected to be fatal. Nor was this all that she had to mourn. +With winter had come severe colds and coughs; Lady Arundel was seized +with an inflammation of the chest, her constitution had been much +enfeebled by watching, anxiety, and grief, and in a very few days her +children were orphans. + +It was the day following the funeral. Mrs. Wortley was staying in the +house, as were also the two guardians of the young Sir Gerald Arundel +and his sister. These were Mr. Lyddell, a relation of Lady Arundel; and +our former acquaintance, Edmund Arundel, in whom, young as he was, his +uncle had placed full confidence. He had in fact been entirely brought +up by Sir Edmund, and knew no other home than Fern Torr, having been +sent thither an orphan in earliest childhood. His uncle and aunt had +supplied the place of parents, and had been well rewarded for all they +had done for him, by his consistent well doing and completely filial +affection for them. + +Marian was startled from her musings by his voice close at hand, saying, +"All alone, Marian?" + +"Gerald is with Jemmy Wortley, somewhere," she replied, "and I begged +Mrs. Wortley and Agnes to go down the village and leave me alone. I have +been very busy all the morning, and my head feels quite confused with +thoughts!" + +"I am glad to have found you," said Edmund. "I have seen so little of +you since I have been here." + +"Yes, you have been always with Mr. Lyddell. When does he go?" + +"To-morrow morning." + +"And you stay longer, I hope?" + +"Only till Monday; I wish it was possible to stay longer, but it is +something to have a Sunday to spend here." + +"And then I am afraid it will be a long time before we see you again." + +"I hope not; if you are in London, it will be always easier to meet." + +"In London! Ah! that reminds me I wanted to ask you what I am to say to +Selina Marchmont. I have a very kind letter from her, asking us to come +to stay with her directly, and hoping that it may be arranged for us to +live with them." + +"Ah! I have a letter from her husband to the same effect," said Edmund. +"It really is very kind and friendly in them." + +"Exceedingly," said Marian. "Will you read her letter, and tell me how I +am to answer her!" + +"As to the visit, that depends upon what you like to do yourself. I +should think that you would prefer staying with the Wortleys, since they +are so kind as to receive you." + +"You don't mean," exclaimed Marian, eagerly, "staying with them for +ever!" + +Edmund shook his head. "No, Marian, I fear that cannot be." + +"Then it is as I feared," sighed Marian. "I wonder how it is that I have +thought so much about myself; but it would come into my head, what was +to become of us, and I was very much afraid of living with the Lyddells; +but still there was a little glimmering of hope that you might be able +to manage to leave us with the Wortleys." + +"I heartily wish I could," said Edmund, "but it is out of my power. My +uncle--" + +"Surely papa did not wish us to live with the Lyddells?" cried Marian. + +"I do not think he contemplated your living any where but at home." + +"But the Vicarage is more like home than any other place could ever be," +pleaded Marian, "and papa did not like the Lyddells nearly so well as +the Wortleys." + +"We must abide by his arrangements, rather than our own notions of his +wishes," said Edmund. "Indeed, I know that he thought Mr. Lyddell a very +sensible man." + +"Then poor Gerald is to grow up away from his own home, and never see +the dear old moors! But if we cannot stay here, I had rather be with +Selina. She is so fond of Gerald, and she knows what home was, and she +knew and loved--them. And we should not meet so many strangers. Only +think what numbers of Lyddells there are! Boys to make Gerald rude, and +girls, and a governess--all strangers. And they go to London!" concluded +poor Marian, reaching the climax of her terrors. "O Edmund, can you do +nothing for us?" + +"You certainly do not embellish matters in anticipation. You will find +them very different from what you expect--even London itself, which, by +the by, you would have to endure even if you were with Selina, whom I +suspect to be rather too fine and fashionable a lady for such a homely +little Devonshire girl." + +"That Mrs. Lyddell will be. She is a very gay person, and they have +quantities of company. O Edmund!" + +"The quantities of company," replied her cousin, "will interfere with +you far less in your schoolroom with the Miss Lyddells, than alone with +my Lady Marchmont, where, at your unrecognized age, you would be in +rather an awkward situation." + +"Or I could go to Torquay, to old Aunt Jessie?" + +"Aunt Jessie would not be much obliged for the proposal of giving her +such a charge." + +"But I should take care of her, and make her life less dismal and +lonely." + +"That may be very well some years hence, when you are your own mistress: +but at present I believe the trouble and change of habits which having +you with her would occasion, would not be compensated by all your +attention and kindness. Have you written to her yet?" + +"No, I do not know how, and I hoped it was one of the letters that you +undertook for me." + +"I think I ought not to relieve you of that. Aunt Jessie is your nearest +relation; I am sure this has been a great blow to her, and that it has +cost her much effort to write to you herself. You must not turn her +letter over to me, like a mere complimentary condolence." + +"Very well," said Marian, with a sigh, "though I cannot guess what I +shall say. And about Selina?" + +"You had better write and tell her how you are situated, and I will do +the same to Lord Marchmont." + +"And when must we go to the Lyddells? I thought he meant more than mere +civility, when he spoke of Oakworthy this morning, at breakfast." + +"He spoke of taking you back to London immediately, but I persuaded him +to wait till they go into Wiltshire, so you need not be rooted up from +Fern Torr just yet." + +"Thank you, that is a great reprieve." + +"And do not make up your mind beforehand to be unhappy at Oakworthy. +Very likely you will take root there, and wonder you ever shrank from +being transplanted to your new home." + +"Never! never! it is cruel to say that any place but this can be like +home! And you, Edmund, what shall you do, where shall you go, when you +have leave of absence?" + +"I shall never ask for it," said he with an effort, while his eye fell +on the window of the room which had been his own for so many years, and +the thought crossed him, "Mine no more." It had been his home, as fully +as that of his two cousins, but now it was nothing to him; and while +they had each other to cling to, he stood in the world a lonely man. + +Marian perceived his emotion, but rather than seem to notice it, she +assumed a sort of gaiety. "I'll tell you, Edmund. You shall marry a very +nice wife, and take some delightful little house somewhere hereabouts, +and we will come and stay with you till Gerald is of age." + +"Which he will be long before I have either house or wife," said Edmund, +in the same tone, "but mind, Marian, it is a bargain, unless you grow so +fond of the Lyddells as to retract." + +"Impossible." + +"Well, I will not strengthen your prejudices by contending with them." + +"Prejudice! to say that I can never be as happy anywhere as at my own +dear home! To say that I cannot bear strangers!" + +"If they were to remain strangers for all the years that you are likely +to spend with them, there might be something in that. But I see you +cannot bear to be told that you can ever be happy again, so I will not +say so any more, especially as I must finish my letters." + +"And I will try to write mine," said Marian with a sigh, as she reached +the door, and went up to take off her bonnet. + +Edmund lingered for a moment in the hall, and there was met by Mrs. +Wortley, who said she was glad to see that he had been out, for he was +looking pale and harassed. "I did not go out for any pleasant purpose," +said he. "I had to pronounce sentence on poor Marian." + +"Is it finally settled?" said Mrs. Wortley. "We still had hopes of +keeping her." + +"Sir Gerald and Miss Arundel are of too much distinction in Mr. +Lyddell's eyes to be left to their best friends," said Edmund. "It was +hard to persuade him not to take possession directly, on the plea of +change being good for their spirits." + +"It is very kind of you to put off the evil day," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +will be a grievous parting for poor Agnes." + +"A grievous business for every one," said Edmund. + +"How? Do not you think well of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell?" + +"I know my uncle never thought of these poor children's living with +them. He thought Mr. Lyddell a good man of business, but neither he nor +my aunt ever dreamed of such a home for them." + +"Would they have preferred Lady Marchmont's? Marian is very fond of +her, and was much gratified by a very nice affectionate letter that she +received this morning." + +"Yes, but I am glad she is out of the question. It is offering a great +deal both on her part and her husband's to take charge of these two, but +it would never do. She is almost a child herself,--a bride and beauty +under twenty,--excessively admired, very likely to have her head turned. +No, it would be too absurd. All her kindness, amiability, desire to make +Marian her friend and companion, would only serve to do harm." + +"Yes, you are right; yet I cannot help half wishing it could be, if it +was only to save poor Marian her terrors of going among strangers." + +"I know exactly how it will be," said Edmund. "She will shut herself +up in a double proof case of shyness and reserve. They will never +understand her, nor she them." + +"But that cannot go on for ever." + +"No; and perhaps it might be better if it could." + +"Well, but do you really know anything against them? He seems inclined +to be very kind and considerate." + +"Electioneering courtesy," said Edmund. "But now you begin to question +me, I cannot say that my--my mistrust shall I call it--or aversion? is +much better founded than the prejudices I have been scolding poor Marian +for. Perhaps it is only that I am jealous of them, and cannot think any +one out of Fern Torr worthy to bring up my uncle's children. All I know +of them is, that Mrs. Lyddell was heiress to a rich banker, she goes out +a good deal in London, and the only time that I met her I thought her +clever and agreeable. In their own county I believe she is just what a +popular member's wife should be--I don't mean popular in the sense of +radical. I think I have heard too something about the eldest son not +turning out well; but altogether, you see, I have not grounds enough to +justify any opposition to their desire of having the children." + +"How are they as to Church principles?" + +"That I really cannot tell. I should think they troubled themselves very +little about the matter, and would only dislike any thing strong either +way. If my aunt had but been able to make some arrangement! No doubt it +was upon her mind when she asked so often for me!" + +"Yes, but there is this comfort," said Mrs. Wortley, seeing him much +troubled, "that she did not seem to make herself anxious and restless on +their account. She trusted them, and so may we." + +"Yes, that is all that one can come to," said Edmund, sighing deeply. +"But Gerald! One pities Marian the most now, but it is a more serious +matter for him." + +"Gerald will be more in your power than his sister," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"As if that was much comfort," said Edmund, half smiling, then again +sighing, "when even for my own concerns I miss my uncle's advice at +every turn. And probably I may have to go on foreign service next year." + +"Then he will be at school." + +"Yes. He was not to have gone till he was ten years old, but I shall try +to hasten it now. He must go with his sister to Oakworthy though, for to +begin without him there would be complete desolation in her eyes." + +Here the conversation was concluded by Marian's coming down to write her +painfully composed letters. That to her cousin, Lady Marchmont, who, +as Selina Grenville, had been a frequent and favourite visitor at the +manor, ran glibly enough off the pen, and the two or three quiet tears +that blotted the paper, fell from a feeling of affection rather than of +regret; but the letter to old Mrs. Jessie Arundel, her great aunt, and +one or two others which Edmund had desired her to write, were works of +time. Marian's feelings were seldom freely expressed even to those whom +she loved best, and to write down expressions of grief, affection, or +gratitude, as a matter of course, was positively repugnant to her. + +The great work was not finished till late, and then came in Gerald and +Agnes, and the tea drinking among themselves was rendered cheerful by +Agnes' anticipations of pleasure in their going the next day to the +parsonage for a long visit. Gerald began to play with her, and soon got +into quite high spirits, and Marian herself had smiled, nay, almost +laughed, before the gentlemen came in from the dining room, when the +presence of Mr. Lyddell cast over her a cloud of dull dread and silence, +so that she did not through the rest of the evening raise her head three +inches from her book. + +Yet as Mrs. Wortley had said, Mr. Lyddell was evidently inclined to be +kind to her and her brother. He patted Gerald on the head as he wished +him good night, and said good-naturedly to Marian that she must be great +friends with his girls, Caroline and Clara. + +Marian tried to look civil, but could not find an answer both sincere +and polite, and Mrs. Wortley, speaking for her, asked if they were +nearly of the same age as she was. + +"Well, I can't exactly tell," said Mr. Lyddell. "I should think she was +between them. You are thirteen, aren't you, Marian? Well, Caroline may +be a couple of years older, and Clara--I know her birthday was the other +day, for I had to make her a present,--but how old she was I can't +exactly recollect, whether it was twelve or thirteen. So you see you +will not want for companions at Oakworthy, and you will be as happy +there as your poor mamma used to be in the old house. Many was the laugh +she has had there with my poor sister, and now they are both gone--well, +there, I did not mean to overset you,--but--" + +Marian could not bear it. She could talk of her mother to Mrs. Wortley, +Agnes, or Edmund, with complete composure, but she could not bear Mr. +Lyddell's hearty voice trying, as she thought, at sentiment, and forcing +the subject upon her, and without a word or a look she hurried out of +the room, and did not come back all the evening. Agnes followed her, +and pitied her, and thought Mr. Lyddell should have said nothing of the +kind, and sat down over the fire with her in her own room to read hymns. + +The next day Mr. Lyddell left Fern Torr, and Marian was so glad to +gee him depart as to be able to endure much better his invitations to +Oakworthy. That same day Marian and Gerald went to the parsonage, and +Edmund, after spending a quiet Sunday at Fern Torr, bade them farewell +on the Monday morning. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + "Where once we dwelt our name is heard no more, + Children not thine 'may tread' my nurseryfloor." + + COWPER. + + +The way of life at Fern Torr parsonage was so quiet as to afford few +subjects for narration. Mrs. Wortley was a gentle, sensible person, very +fond of Marian and Gerald, both for their own sake and their mother's, +and to be with her was to them as like being at home as anything could +be. Agnes was quite wrapped up in her friend, whom she pitied so +heartily, and was to lose so soon. She had known no troubles except +through Marian, she reverenced Marian's griefs, and in her respect for +them was inclined to spoil her not a little. Then, through nothing +against the Lyddells had ever been said to Agnes, she had caught +all Marian's prejudiced dislike to them, and sometimes in lively +exaggeration, sometimes in grave condolence, talked of them "as these +horrid people." + +Marian felt every day was precious as it passed, and the time seemed to +her far less than two months, when one day there arrived a letter from +Mrs. Lyddell to announce that the family were about to leave London, and +in the course of a week Mr. Lyddell would come to fetch her and Gerald +to Oakworthy. + +The letter was kindly expressed, but this was lost upon Marian in the +pain its purport gave her, and the difficulty of composing an answer. +She chose her smallest sheet of writing-paper with the deepest black +edge, wrote as widely as she could, and used the longest words, but with +all Mrs. Wortley's suggestions, she could not eke out what she had to +say beyond the first page. She would not even send her love to her +cousins, for she said she could have no particular affection for them, +and to express any pleasure in the prospect of seeing so many strangers +would be an actual untruth. + +What a week was that which followed! Marian loved her home with that +enthusiasm which especially belongs to the inhabitants of mountainous +districts, and still more acutely did she feel the separation from all +that reminded her of her parents. If she had not had Gerald to go with +her she did not know how she could have borne it, but Gerald, her own +beautiful brother, with his chestnut curls, dark bright eyes, sweet +temper, and great cleverness and goodness, he must be a comfort to her +wherever she was. Gerald was one of those children who seem to have a +peculiar atmosphere of bright grace and goodness around them, who make +beautiful earnest sayings in their simplicity which are treasured up by +their friends, who, while regarding them with joy and something like +veneration, watch them likewise with fear and trembling. Thus had his +mother looked upon Gerald, and thus in some degree did Mrs. Wortley; but +Marian had nothing but pride, joy, and confidence in him, unalloyed save +now and then by the secret, half superstitious fear that such goodness +might mark him for early death. + +By Marian's own especial desire, she went to almost every cottage to +take leave, but all she could do was to stand with her head averted and +her lips compressed, while Mrs. Wortley spoke for her. Her next task was +to look over the boxes and drawers at the manor house, in case it should +be let; for no one else could be trusted to decide what hoards of highly +prized trifles should be locked up, and what must be thrown away. She +alone could choose the little keepsakes to be given to old servants and +village friends, and she must select what she would take to Oakworthy. + +She stood lingering before each picture, viewing the old familiar +furniture with loving eyes, and sighing at the thought that strangers +would alter the arrangements, look carelessly or critically on her +father's portrait, think her wild garden a collection of weeds, and root +up the flowering fern which Edmund had helped her to transplant. She +went into her own room, and felt almost ready to hate the person who +might occupy it; she lay down on the bed, and looking up at the same +branch of lime tree, and the same piece of sky which had met her eyes +every morning, she mused there till she was roused by hearing Gerald's +voice very loud in the nursery. Hastening thither, she found him +insisting that his collection of stones and spars was much too precious +to mend the roads with, as their maid Saunders proposed, and Agnes +settling the matter satisfactorily by offering to take them to adorn a +certain den in the vicarage garden with. The ponies were to be turned +out to grass, the rabbits were bestowed on James Wortley, and Ranger +was to be kept at the vicarage till Edmund could come and fetch him, +together with his books, which Marian had to look out, and she found it +a service of difficulty, since "Edmund Gerald" could scarcely be said to +answer the purpose of a proper name in the Arundel family. + +The last day at home arrived, the eve of S. James. Marian went to +prepare her class at the weekly school, resolved to do just as usual to +the last. She had to read them the conversation on S. James's Day in +"Fasts and Festivals," but she could hardly get through with it, the +separation between early friends reminded her so much of herself and +Agnes, and then the comparison of the two roads, one in burning and +scorching sunshine, the other in the cool fresh shade, almost overset +her, for though she could not tell why, she chose to be persuaded that +the first must be hers. But they both ended in the same place. She felt +tears coming into her eyes, but she kept them down, and went on reading +in a steady monotonous voice, as if the meaning was nothing to her; she +asked the children questions in a dry, grave, matter-of-fact way, as if +she had not the slightest interest in them or in the subject, though her +heart was full of affection to the dullest and roughest among them, and +when she went away, her nod, and "well, good morning," to the school +mistress were several shades further from warmth than usual. + +All the way back from the school she was eagerly telling Agnes exactly +the point where she left each child in her class, and begging her to +say the kind things which she meant to have said to Grace Knight, the +mistress. + +Agnes laughed and said, "I hope she will take my word for it all. Why +could you not speak to her? At least I thought you were not afraid of +her." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "I thought I could, but it is very odd. You +see, Agnes, how it is; the more I care, the more I can't speak, and I +can't help it." + +"Well, don't be unhappy about it," said Agnes. "I know what you mean, +and am ready to take you as you are, and if other people don't, it is +their own fault." + +Agnes was rather too fond of Marian to be exactly right here, for it was +not at all a good thing that she should be encouraged in a reserve which +led her not always to do as she would be done by. + +The two girls came in, lingered in each other's rooms while they +dressed, and at last were called down stairs by Mrs. Wortley, who was +ready to finish with them the last chapter of the book they had been +reading aloud together. Gerald sat in the window, his friend Jemmy +hanging over him, and the two together composing a marvellous +battlepiece, in which Gerald drew horses, men, cannon, and arrows, and +Jemmy, like a small Homer, suggested the various frightful wounds they +should be receiving, and the attitudes in which they should fall. The +general, with a tremendous Turkish sabre, an immense cocked hat, and +a horse with very stiff legs, was just being represented receiving an +unfortunate-looking prisoner, considerably spotted with vermillion +paint, when a sound of wheels was heard, and both boys starting up, +exclaimed, "Here he comes!" + +He, as Marian knew full well, was Mr. Lyddell; and a chilliness came +over her as he entered, tall, broad, ruddy, treading heavily, and +speaking loudly: and Gerald pressed close to her, squeezing her hand +so tight that she could hardly withdraw it to shake hands with her +guardian. With one hand he held her cold reluctant fingers, with the +other gave Gerald's head a patronizing pat. "Well, my dears, how d'ye +do? quite well? and ready to start with me to-morrow? That is right. +Caroline and Clara have had their heads full of nothing but you this +long time--only wanted to have come with me." + +Here Marian succeeded in drawing back her hand, and retreated to the +window; Gerald was creeping after her, but Mr. Lyddell laid hold of his +chin, and drew him back, saying. "What, shy, my man? we shall cure you +at Oakworthy My boys will give you no peace if they see you getting into +your sister's pocket." + +Gerald disengaged himself, and made a rapid retreat. It was a long time +before he again appeared, and when Mrs. the housekeeper at the Manor +House, came down in the course of the evening to say good-bye, she said, +"And ma'am, where do you think I found that dear child, Sir Gerald, not +two hours ago?" She wiped away a gush of tears, and went on. "I thought +I heard a noise in the drilling room, and went to see, and there, ma'am, +was the dear little fellow lying on the floor, the bare boards, for the +carpet is taken up, you know, Miss Marian, before his papa's picture, +crying and sobbing as if his heart would break. But as soon as I opened +the door, and he saw me, he snatched up his hat, and jumped out at the +open window, which he had come in by, I suppose, for I never heard him +open the door." + +Marian, after her usual fashion, had no reply, but it was pleasant to +her to think of what had taken place, since Gerald had not in general +shown much concern at the leaving home. + +They all met at breakfast next morning; Marian, was firmly determined +against crying, and by dint of squeezing up her lips, and not uttering a +word, succeeded in keeping her resolution; but poor Agnes could eat no +breakfast, and did nothing but cry, till Mr. Lyddell, by saying that her +tears were a great honour both to herself and Marian, entirely checked +them. + +"I hope," said Mr. Wortley, "that Mrs. Lyddell will not be very strict +in inquiring into the quantity of Marian's idle correspondence. The +friends there mean to console themselves with multitudes of letters." + +"Oh, certainly, certainly," said Mr. Lyddell. "Old friends for ever! So +mind, Marian, I mean to be very angry if you forget to write to Miss +Wortley." + +"Thank you," said Marian, knowing that she was saying something silly, +and trying to smile. + +"Come, then," said Mr. Lyddell, "thank your friends once more for their +kindness, and let us be going." + +Thanks from Marian were out of the question, and she tried to get out +of hearing of the sentences beginning, "I am sure we shall always be +sensible," "Nothing could be kinder," which her guardian was pouring +out. She moved with Agnes to the door: the summer sky was deeply blue, +without a cloud, the fresh green branches of the trees stood up against +it as if bathed in light, the flower beds were glowing with gay +blossoms, Gerald and Jemmy were playing with Ranger under the verandah, +and the Church bells rang cheerfully for morning service, but alas! at +the gate was the carriage, Saunders sitting sobbing on the outside, +and David Chapple, Mr. Wortley's man, standing on one leg on the step +talking to her. Near at hand was the gardener from the Manor House, +waiting with his hands full of Miss Arundel's favourite flowers, and +there stood old Betty Lapthorn and her grandchild, Gerald's nurse who +had married, and the old man to whom the children had so often carried +the remains of their dinner; all the school children too, and Grace in +the middle of them, waiting for the last view of Miss Arundel and little +Sir Gerald. + +Mr. Lyddell finished his acknowledgments, and Marian and her brother +received an embrace and good-bye from their friends, David jumped down +and shut the door, Saunders sobbed aloud, there was another good-bye +from each of the Wortleys, and a hearty response from Gerald, Mr. +Lyddell called out, "All right," and away they went. + +On went the carriage, past the Church, with its open door and pealing +bell, the rocky steps up to the Manor House, nestled in the shrubs, the +well known trees, the herds of longhorned, red cattle, the grey stone +cottages, and the women and tiny children at the doors, the ford through +the sparkling shallow brook, the hill with the great limestone quarry, +the kiln so like a castle, the river and its bridge of one narrow, high +pitched, ivy grown arch, the great rod rock, remembered as having been +the limit of papa's last drive, the farm house in the winding valley +beyond, with its sloping orchard and home field, the last building in +the parish. They drove through the little market town, slowly wound up +the heights beyond, looked down into the broad, beautiful space where +the river Exe winds its blue course amid wood, field, and castled hill, +descended, losing sight of the last of the Torrs, glanced at Exeter and +its Cathedral, arrived at the station, and there, while waiting hand in +hand on the platform, gazing at the carriage, and starting at each puff, +snort, cough, and shriek of the engines, Marian and Gerald did indeed +feel themselves severed from the home of their childhood. + +It was not till the afternoon that they left the railroad, and then they +had a two hours' drive through a country which Marian found very unlike +her own: the bleak, bare downs of Wiltshire, low green hills rising +endlessly one after the other, the white road visible far away before +them, the chalk pits white and cold, a few whitey brown ponds now and +then, and at long intervals a farm house, looking as if it had been set +down there by mistake, and did not like it, carts full of chalk, and +flocks of sheep the chief moving objects they met, and not many of them. + +Marian sighed, yawned, and looked at Gerald many a time before they at +length came to a small, very neat-looking town, where the houses stood +far back from the street, and had broad clean pavement in front of them. +"This is Oakworthy," said Mr. Lyddell, and Marian looked with interest. +The church was just outside the town, white, and clean looking, like +everything else, and with a spire. That was all she could see, for they +drove on by the side of a long park wall, enclosing a fir plantation. +The gate of a pretty lodge was thrown back, and they entered upon a +gravelled carriage-road, which, after some windings, led to a large +house, built of white brick, regular and substantial. They stopped under +the portico at the door, and Mr. Lyddell, as he handed Marian out of the +carriage, exclaimed, "Welcome to Oakworthy Park!" + +It seemed to Marian that there was a whole crowd waiting for her in the +hall, and she had received at least three kisses before she had time to +look around her, and perceive that this formidable troop consisted of a +tall, fresh-coloured lady, two girls, and two little boys. Each of +the girls eagerly grasped one of her hands, and drew her into the +drawing-room, exclaiming, "I am glad you are come!" Here were two more +strangers, youths of the age at which their juniors call them men, and +their seniors, boys. They did not trouble the guests with any particular +demonstrations of welcome, only shaking hands with them carelessly, and +after another moment or two Marian found herself sitting on a chair, +very stiffly and upright, while Gerald stood about two feet from her, +afraid of a second accusation of getting into her pocket, looking down, +and twisting the handles of her basket. + +"Lionel, Johnny," said Mrs. Lyddell, "have you nothing to say to your +cousin? Come here, my dear, and tell me, were you very sorry to leave +Fern Torr?" + +Gerald coloured and looked at his sister, who replied by a hesitating, +faltering, "Yes, very." + +"Ah! yes, I see," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you will soon be at home +here. It shall not be my fault or your cousins' if you are not,--eh, +Caroline?" + +"Indeed it shall not," returned Caroline, again taking Marian's hand, +at first pressing it cordially, but letting it go on feeling the limp, +passive fingers, which were too shy and frightened to return the +pressure. + +Mr. Lyddell came in, and while his wife was engaged in speaking to him, +Marian had time to make her observations, for the chilling embarrassment +of her manner had repelled the attentions of her cousins. Though she had +never seen them before, she knew enough about them to be able to fit the +names to the persons she saw before her, and make a few conjectures as +to how she would like them. + +That youth in the odd-looking, rough, shapeless coat, yet with a certain +expensive, fashionable air about the rest of his dress, who stood +leaning against the chimney-piece in a nonchalant attitude, was +her eldest cousin, Elliot Lyddell. The other, a great contrast in +appearance, small, slender, and pale, with near-sighted spectacles +over his weak, light grey eyes, dressed with scrupulous precision and +quietness, who had retreated to the other end of the room and taken up +a book, was Walter. The elder girl, Caroline, was about fifteen, a very +pleasing likeness of her mother, with a brilliant complexion, bright +blue eyes, and a remarkably lively and pleasant smile, which Marian was +so much taken with, that she wished she could have found something to +say, but the dress and air both gave her the appearance of being older +than Agnes, and thus made Marian feel as if she was a great way above +and beyond her. The other sister had a fair, pretty face, much more +childish, with beautiful glossy light hair, and something sweet and +gentle in her expression, and Marian felt warmly towards her because she +was her mother's god-child, and bore the same name. + +The younger boys, Lionel and John, were nice-looking little fellows of +nine and seven. They had drawn towards Walter, gazing all the time at +Gerald, and all parties were rejoiced when Mrs. Lyddell, after a few +more attempts at conversation, proposed to take the guests to their +rooms. + +With a light, quick step, she led the way up two staircases and a long +passage, to a good-sized, comfortable room intended for Marian, while +Gerald's was just opposite. With a civil welcome to Saunders, kind hopes +that Marian would make herself at home, and information that dinner +would he ready at seven, she left the room, and Saunders proceeded with +the young lady's toilette. Gerald stood gazing from the window at the +trees and little glimpse of the town in the distance. He said little, +and seemed rather forlorn till leave was given him to unpack some goods +which he could not easily damage. Just as Marian was dressed, there was +a knock at the door, and without waiting for an answer, Caroline +and Clara entered, the former saying, "I hope you find everything +comfortable: you see we make you quite at home, and stand on no +ceremony." + +It was pleasantly said, but Marian only gave a constrained smile, and +answered, "Thank you," in such an awkward, cold way, that Caroline was +thrown back. Her sister, only conscious of freedom from the restraints +of the drawing-room, began exclaiming in short sentences, "O what a +pretty basket! so you have out your work already! what a lovely pattern! +how quick you have been in dressing! we came to see how you were getting +on. O what is this pretty box? do let me see." + +"A work-box," said Marian, by no means disposed to turn out all the +small treasures it contained for Clara's inspection.--Caroline perceived +this, and said with a little reproof to Clara, + +"You curious child! Perhaps Marian would like to come and see the +schoolroom before going down." + +"Oh, yes," said Clara; "you must come. You have not seen Miss Morley +yet,--our governess,--poor, unfortunate, faithful Morley, as we always +call her." + +This manner of mentioning the governess, and before Saunders too, +greatly surprised Marian, and she felt little inclination to face +another stranger; but she could think of no valid objection, and allowed +herself and Gerald to be conducted down one of the flights of stairs +into a passage less decorated than the rest of the house. Clara threw +open a door, calling out, "Here they are!" and Marian found herself in +the presence of a little, nicely dressed lady, who looked very little +older than Caroline, and had a very good-natured face. Coming forward +with a smile, she said, "Miss Arundel, I believe. I hope you are quite +well, and not tired. Sir Gerald, how d'ye do? We shall be good friends, +I am sure." + +Gerald shook hands, and Marian thought she ought to do so too; but it +had not been her first impulse, and it was too late, so she only made +a stiff bend of head and knee. Clara, happily unconscious of the +embarrassment with which Marian had infected Caroline, went on talking +fast and freely: + +"So, you see, this is the schoolroom. There is Caroline's desk, and here +is mine; and we have made room for you here. I suppose you have a desk. +And here are all our books, and our chiffonnière; Caroline has one side +and I the other. Oh, I must show you my last birthday presents. Ah! +aren't we lucky to have got such a nice view of the terrace and the +portico from here! We can always see the people coming to dinner, and +when the gentlemen go out riding, it is such fun, and--" + +"My dear Clara," interposed Miss Morley, seeing Marian's bewildered +looks, "your cousin is not used to such a chatterbox. I assure you, +Miss Arundel, that Clara has been quite wild for the last week with the +prospect of seeing you. I have actually not known what to do with her." + +Marian gave one of her awkward smiles, and said nothing. + +"You left Devonshire this morning, I think?" said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, we did." + +"Fern Torr is in a very beautiful part of the country, is it not?" + +"Yes, very." + +They were getting on at this rate when Mrs. Lyddell came in, and took +Marian and Gerald down to the drawing-room with her, as it was almost +dinner time. No sooner had the door closed behind them, than governess +and pupils at once exclaimed, "How pale!" "how shy!" "how awkward!" + +"I dare say that is only shyness," said Caroline, "but I must say I +never saw anything so stiff and chilly." + +"Yes, that she is," said Clara, "but it's only shyness; I am sure she is +a dear girl. But how white she is! I thought she would have been pretty, +because they say the Arundels are all so handsome." + +"She has fine eyes," said Miss Motley; "and that dear little Sir Gerald, +I am sure we shall all be in love with him." + +"Well, I hope we may get on better in time," said Caroline, taking up a +book, and settling herself in a most luxurious attitude in spite of the +unaccommodating furniture of the schoolroom. + +Marian recovered a little at dinner, and was not quite so monosyllabic +in her replies. Her netting was a great resource when she went into the +drawing-room after dinner, and she began to feel a little less rigid and +confused, made some progress in acquaintance with Clara, and when she +went to bed was not without hopes of, in time, liking both her and +Caroline very much. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + "A place where others are at home, + But all are strange to me." + + _Lyra Innocentium._ + + +Marian began the next morning by wondering what a Sunday at Oakworthy +would be like, but she was glad the formidable first meeting was over, +and greeted Gerald cheerfully when he came into the room. + +After a few minutes a bell rang, and Marian, thinking it must be for +family prayers, hastened into the passage, wondering at herself for +not having asked last night where she was to go. She was glad to meet +Caroline coming out of her room, and after quickly exchanging a "good +morning," she said, "Was that the bell for prayers?" + +"No, it was for the servants' breakfast," said Caroline "and for ours in +the schoolroom too." + +"But don't you have prayers in the morning?" said Gerald, + +"No," answered Caroline gravely. + +"Why not," the little boy was beginning but Marian pressed his hand +to check him, shocked herself, and sorry for Caroline's sake that the +question had been asked. + +Caroline spoke rather hurriedly, "I wish we could, but you see papa is +out so often, and there are so many people staying here sometimes: and +in London, papa is so late at the House--it is very unlucky, but it +would not do, it is all so irregular." + +"What?" said Clara, hopping down stairs behind them. "O, about prayers! +We have not had any in the school room since Miss Cameron's time." + +"Miss Cameron used to read a chapter and pray with us afterwards," said +Caroline; "but when she was gone, mamma said she did not like the book +she used." + +"Besides, it was three quarters out of her own head, and that wasn't +fair, for she used to go on such a monstrous time," said Clara. + +"Hush, Clara," said her sister, "and mamma has never found a book she +does think quite fit." + +"There's the Prayer Book," said Gerald. + +"O that is only for Church," said Clara, opening the schoolroom door; +"O she is not here! Later than ever. Well, Marian, what do you think of +her?" + +"Of whom?" asked Marian. + +"Of poor unfortunate faithful Morley," said Clara. + +"You call her so after Queen Anne?" + +"Yes," said Caroline, "and you will see how well the name suits her when +you are fully initiated." + +"But does she like it?" + +"Like it?" and Clara fell into a violent fit of laughing, calling out to +Lionel, who just then came in, "Here is Marian asking if we call Miss +Morley 'poor unfortunate' whenever we speak to her." + +"She is coming," said Lionel, and Clara sunk her boisterous laughter +into a titter, evident enough to occasion Miss Morley to ask what +made them so merry, but the only answer she received was from Lionel, +"Something funny," and then both he and Clara burst out again into +laughter, his open, and hers smothered. + +Marian looked amazed. "Ah! you are not used to such ways," said the +governess; "Clara and Lionel are sometimes sad creatures." + +Breakfast took a very long time, and before it was quite over, Mrs. +Lyddell came in, spoke in her rapid, good-natured tone to Marian and +Gerald, and remarked rather sharply to Miss Morley that she thought they +grew later and later every Sunday. Nevertheless, no one went on at all +the faster after she was gone. Miss Morley continued her talk with +Caroline and Clara about some young friends of theirs in London, and +Lionel and Johnny went on playing tricks with their bread and butter, +accompanied by a sort of secret teasing of Clara. Nothing brought them +absolutely to a conclusion till one of the servants appeared in order to +take away the things, and unceremoniously bore away John's last piece of +bread and cup of tea. + +Johnny looked up at the man and made a face at him; Miss Morley shook +her head, and Caroline said, "How can you be so naughty, Johnny? it +serves you quite right, and I only wish it happened every morning." + +"Come, Gerald, and see the ponies," said Lionel. + +"My dears," said Miss Morley, "you know your mamma never likes you to go +out before Church especially to the stables; you only get hot, and you +make us late with waiting for you." + +"Nobody asked you to wait for us," said John. "Come, Gerald." + +"No, I see Sir Gerald is a good little boy, and is coming steadily with +us," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, Gerald, do," said Marian. + +"There will be plenty of time by and by," said Gerald, sitting down +again. + +"O very well," said John. "Well, if you won't, I will; I want to see +Elliot's colt come in from exercising, and he will be sure to be there +himself now." + +Lionel and Johnny ran off, Caroline looked distressed, and went out into +the passage leaving the door open. Walter was coming along it, and as +she met him, she said, "Walter, the boys are off to the stable again; +we shall have just such a fuss as we had last Sunday if you cannot stop +them. Is Elliot there again?" + +"I am afraid he is," said Walter. + +"Then there is no chance!" said Caroline, retreating; but at that moment +Lionel and John came clattering down from their own distant abode at the +top of the house. "Who likes to walk with me through, the plantations to +Church?" said Walter; "I was coming to ask if you liked to show that way +to Gerald." + +Lionel and John, who had a real respect for Walter, thought it best to +keep silence on their disobedient designs, and accept the kind offer. +Gerald gladly joined them, and off they set. Miss Morley, Caroline, and +Clara, had all gone different ways, and Marian remained, leaning her +forehead against the window, thinking what her own dear Sunday-school +class were doing at Fern Torr, and feeling very disconsolate. She had +stood in this manner for some minutes when Clara came to tell her it was +time to prepare for Church, followed her to her room, and contrived to +make more remarks on her dress than Marian could have thought could +possibly have been bestowed on a plain black crape bonnet and mantle. + +Through all the rather long walk, Clara still kept close to her, telling +who every one was, and talking incessantly, till she felt almost +confused, and longed for the quietness of the church. Mr. Lyddell's pew +was a high, square box, curtained round, with a table and a stove, so +that she hardly felt as if she was in church, and she was surprised not +to see Elliot Lyddell there. + +They had to walk quickly back after the service, dine hurriedly, and +then set off again for the afternoon service. Miss Morley sighed, and +said that the second long hot walk almost killed her, and she went so +slowly that the schoolroom party all came in late. They found no one in +the pew but Mrs. Lyndell and Walter, and Marian once more sighed and +wondered. + +On coming home, Miss Morley went in to rest, but as it was now cool and +pleasant, her pupils stayed out a little longer to show the park and +garden. They were very desirous of making the Arundels admire all they +saw, and Lionel and John were continually asking, "Have you anything +like that at Fern Torr?" + +Gerald, jealous for the honor of home, was magnificent in his +descriptions, and unconscious that he was talking rhodomontade. +According to him, his park took in a whole mountain, his house was quite +as large and much handsomer than Mr. Lyddell's, the garden was like the +hanging gardens of Babylon, and greenhouses were never wanted there, for +"all sorts of things" would grow in the open air. His cousins were so +amazed that they would hardly attend to Marian's explanations, and +thought her description of the myrtle, which reached to the top of the +house, as fabulous as his hanging gardens. + +"And, Marian, what do you think of this place?" asked Clara. + +After some pressing, the following reply was extracted:--"It is so shut +in with fir-trees, but I suppose you want them to hide the town, and +there is nothing to see if they were away." + +"O Marian!" said Caroline, "when we showed you the beautiful view over +the high gate." + +"But there was no hill, and no wood, and no water." + +"Did you not see Oakworthy Hill?" + +"That tame green thing!" said Marian. + +"The truth is," said Johnny, "that she likes it the best all the time, +only she won't own it." + +"Nonsense, Johnny," replied Lionel, "every one likes their own +home best, and I like Marian for not pretending to be polite and +nonsensical." + +"And I tell you," said Gerald, "that you never saw anything so good as +my Manor house in your whole life." + +Here they went in, and Marian gently said to Gerald as they came +into her room, "I wish you would not say _my_, Gerald, it seems like +boasting. My park--my house--" + +Gerald hung his head, and the colour came deeply into his cheeks. +"Marian," said he, "you know how I wish it wasn't mine now," and the +tears were in his eyes. "But they boast over me, and they ought not, for +I'm Sir--" + +"Oh! hush, Gerald. You used never to like to hear yourself called so, +because it put you in mind--. Yes, I know they boast; but this is not +the way to stop them, it only makes them go on; and what does it signify +to you? it does not make this place really better than home." + +"Yes, but I want them to know it." + +"But you should not want to set yourself up above them. If you don't +answer, and, let them say what nonsense they please, it would be the +best way, and the right way, and so you would humble yourself, which is +what we must all do Gerald." + +Gerald was silenced, but looked dissatisfied; however, there was no +more time to talk, for Clara came to say that tea was almost ready, and +Marian rang for Saunders. Gerald looked as if he was meditating when +first they sat down to tea, and after some little time he abruptly +began, "I don't like your church at all. It is just like a room, and +nobody makes any noise." + +"Nobody makes any noise," repeated Caroline, smiling; "is that Fern Torr +fashion?" + +"I do not mean exactly a noise," said Gerald, "but people read their +verse of the psalm, and say Amen, and all that, quite loud. They don't +leave it all to the clerk in his odd voice." + +Lionel mimicked the clerk so drolly, that in spite of "Don't, my dear," +and "O! Lionel," nobody could help laughing; and Johnny added an +imitation of the clerk at their church in London. After the mirth was +over, Gerald went on, "Why does not every one say Amen here?" + +"Like so many charity children," said Lionel, with a nasal drawl. + +"No, indeed!" cried Gerald, indignantly; "Edmund does it, and +everybody." + +"Everybody! as if you could tell, who never went to church in your life, +except at that little poky place," said Johnny, + +Gerald's colour rose, but Marian's eye met his, and he remembered what +she had said, and answered quietly, "I don't know whether Fern Torr is +poky, but it is a place where people are taught to behave well." + +"Capital, Gerald, excellent!" cried Caroline, laughing heartily, "that +is a hit, Lionel, for you!" while Gerald looked round him, amazed at the +applause with which his speech, made in all simplicity, was received. + +As soon as tea was over, Miss Morley called Lionel and John to repeat +the Catechism, and added doubtfully, "Perhaps Sir Gerald would rather +wait for next Sunday." + +"O no, thank you," said Marian, "we always say it." + +"You need not, Marian," said Caroline, "we never do, only it would be so +troublesome for the boys to have to learn it at school." + +"I should like to say it if Miss Morley has no objection," said Marian. + +"Oh! yes, certainly," was the answer. "See, Lionel, there is an example +for you." + +Marian and Gerald stood upright, with their hands behind them, just as +they had stood every Sunday since they could speak; Lionel was astride +on the music stool, spinning round and round, and Johnny balancing +himself with one leg on the floor, and one hand on the window sill. When +the first question was asked, the grave voice that replied, "Edmund +Gerald," was drowned in a loud shout-- + + "Jack Lyddell, Jack Lyddell, + Shall play on the fiddle"-- + +evidently an old worn out joke, brought to life again in the hope of +making the grave cousins laugh, instead of which they stood aghast. Miss +Morley only said imploringly, "Now, Johnny, my dear boy, _do_," and +proceeded to the next question. Throughout the two boys were careless +and painfully irreverent, and the governess, annoyed and ashamed, +hurried on as fast as she could, in order to put an end to the +unpleasant scene. When it was over she greatly admired the correctness +of Gerald's answers, seeming to think it extraordinary that he should +not have made a single mistake; whereas Marian would have been surprised +if he had. Gerald whispered to his sister as they went down to the +drawing-room, "Would it not be fun to see what Mr. Wortley would say to +Lionel and Johnny, if he had them in his class?" + +On Monday, Marian and Gerald began to fall into the habits of the place, +and to learn the ways of their cousins, though it was many years before +they could be said really to understand them. + +Of their guardian himself, they found they should see very little, for +their four schoolroom companions, his own children, had but little +intercourse with him. Sometimes, indeed, Johnny, who enjoyed the +privileges of the youngest, would make a descent upon him, and obtain +some pleasure or some present, or at least a game of play; and sometimes +Lionel fell into great disgrace, and was brought to him for reproof, but +Caroline and Clara only saw him now and then in the evening, and never +seemed to look to him as the friend and approver that Marian thought all +fathers were. As to Miss Morley, she had only spoken twice to him since +she had been in the house. + +Mrs. Lyddell seemed supreme in everything at home. She was quick, +active, and clever, an excellent manager, nor was she otherwise than +very kind in word and deed; and Marian could by no means understand the +cause of the mixture of dread and repugnance with which she regarded +her. Perhaps it was, that though not harsh, her manner wanted +gentleness; her tones were not soft, and she would cut off answers +before they were half finished. Her bright, clear, cold, blue eye had +little of sympathy in it, and every look and tone showed that she +expected implicit obedience, to commands, which were far from unpleasant +in themselves, though rendered ungracious by the want of softness and +mildness with which they were given. Marian often wondered, apart from +the principle, how her cousins, and even Miss Morley, could venture to +disregard orders given in that decided manner; but she soon perceived +that they trusted to Mrs. Lyddell's multifarious occupations, which kept +her from knowing all their proceedings with exactness, and left them a +good deal at liberty. + +Marian was disposed to like Miss Morley, with her gentle voice and kind +manner, but she was much surprised at her letting things go on among her +pupils, which she must have known to be wrong in themselves, as well as +against express commands of Mrs. Lyddell. Once or twice when she heard +her talking to Clara, she said to herself, "Would not mamma say that was +silly?" but at any rate it was a great thing to have a person of whom +she was not in the least shy or afraid, and who set her quite at her +ease in the schoolroom. + +The first business on Monday morning, after the little boys had gone off +for two hours to a tutor, was an examination into Marian's attainments, +beginning with French and Italian reading and translation, in which she +acquitted herself very well till Mrs. Lyddell came in, and put her in +such a state of trepidation that she no longer knew what she was about. +In truth, Marian's education had been rather irregular in consequence +of her father's illness, and its effect had been to give her a general +cultivation of mind, and appreciation of excellence, to train her to do +her best, and fed an eagerness for information, but without instructing +her in that routine of knowledge for which Mrs. Lyddell and Miss Morley +looked. She was not ready in answering questions, even upon what she +knew perfectly well; she had no tables of names and dates at finger's +ends, and when she saw that every one thought her backward and ignorant, +the feeling that she was not doing justice to her mamma's teaching added +to her confusion, her mistakes and puzzles increased, and at last she +was almost ready to cry. At that moment Caroline said, "Mamma, you have +not seen Marian's drawings yet. Do fetch them, Marian." + +The drawings served in some degree to save Marian in the opinion; at +least, of Miss Morley: for an artist-like hand and eye were almost an +inheritance in the Arundel family, and teaching her had been a great +amusement to Sir Edmund. Miss Morley and Caroline thought her drawings +wonderful; but Mrs. Lyddell, who had never learnt to draw, was, as +Marian quickly perceived, unable to distinguish the merits from the +faults, and was only commending them in order to reassure her. Her music +was the next subject of inquiry, and here again she did not shine, for +practising had been out of the question during the last two years of her +father's life; but as she could not bear to offer this as an excuse, +she only said she knew she could hardly play at all, but she hoped to +improve. To her great relief, Mrs. Lyddell did not stay to listen to +her performance, but went away, leaving her to Miss Morley, who found +something to commend in her taste and touch. + +When the business of learning actually commenced, Marian grew more +prosperous; for she had the good custom of giving her whole attention, +and learnt therefore fast and correctly. Her exercise was very well +done; her arithmetic, in which Edmund had helped her, was almost beyond +Miss Morley's knowledge; and she was quite at home in the history they +were reading aloud. Moreover, when they came to talk of what they had +read, it proved that Marian was well acquainted with many books which +were still only names to Caroline; and when Gerald came in with his +books, his reference to her showed that she knew as much Latin as he +did. + +They dined in the schoolroom at half-past one, then took a walk on the +long, dull, white road, and came back at a little past four; after which +the girls had each to practise for an hour, to look over some lessons +for the next day, and to dress; but all the rest of their time was at +their own disposal. There was to be a dinner-party that evening, and +Clara advised her not to dress till after tea. "For we don't go down +till after dinner," said she, "and I don't like to miss seeing the +people come. Gerald, you had better get ready, though, for you boys +always go down before." + +"Must I?" said Gerald. + +"O yes, that we must!" said Lionel; "and you will see how Johnny there +likes to be petted by all the old ladies, and called their pretty dear." + +Johnny rushed upon his brother, and there was a skirmish between them, +during which Miss Morley vainly exclaimed by turns, "Now Lionel!" and +"Now Johnny!" It ended by John's beginning to cry, Lionel laughing +at him, and declaring that he had done nothing to hurt him, and both +walking off rather sullenly to dress for the evening. Gerald was bent on +the same errand; and no sooner was he gone than Miss Morley, Caroline, +and Clara all broke out into loud praises of him. He was so docile, he +shut the door so gently, he seemed so very clever. He had quite won Miss +Morley's heart by running back to the schoolroom to fetch her parasol +for her when she found she had left it behind; Caroline admired him for +being so merry and playful without rudeness, and Clara chimed in with +them both. All expressed wonder at not finding him a spoiled child; and +this, though the praises gratified Marian greatly, rather offended her +in her secret soul; and she wondered too that Caroline and Clara seemed +disposed to make the very worst of their own little brothers, so as to +set off Gerald's perfections by force of contrast. + +Mrs. Lyddell came in while they were still talking. She was beautifully +dressed, and looked very handsome, and, in Marian's eyes, very +formidable; but she sat down and joined heartily in the praises of +Gerald, till Marian thought, "What could they have expected poor Gerald +to be, if they are so amazed at finding him the dear good little fellow +he is!" It was in fact true that he was an agreeable surprise, for as +an only son--a great treasure--and coming so early to his title, he +was exactly the child whom all would have presumed most likely to be +spoiled; and his ready obedience struck the Lyddells as no less unusual +than those habits in which he had been trained, in consequence of the +necessity of stillness during Sir Edmund's long illness. It was more +natural to him to shut the door quietly than to bang it, to speak than +to shout, and to amuse himself tranquilly in the house than to make a +great uproar. He was courteous, too, and obliging; and though Lionel and +Johnny were in consequence inclined to regard him as a "carpet knight so +trim," the ladies fully appreciated these good qualities. Mrs. Lyddell +perhaps made the more of her satisfaction, because she was conscious of +not liking his sister's stiff, formal, frightened manners. + +Mrs. Lyddell waited till the boys came from dressing, and took them all +three down with her. Clara sat down in the window-seat to watch the +arrivals, as soon as she had recovered from her amazement at hearing +that Marian had not been in a house with a dinner-party since Gerald was +born. "Is it possible!" she went on saying, and then bursting into a +laugh, till Caroline said sharply, "How can you be so silly, Clara! you +know the reason perfectly well." + +"But it is so odd," continued Clara. "Why, we are never a week without a +party, and sometimes two!" + +"Hush," said Caroline, "or I shall never finish my Italian." + +The little boys came up to tea; Gerald would not make much answer when +Clara asked if the ladies had talked to him, but Johnny looked cross, +and Lionel reported "it was because his nose was put out of joint." +Coming up to Marian, to whom he seemed to have taken a fancy, Lionel +further explained confidentially how all the ladies made a fuss with +Johnny, and admired his yellow curls, and called him the rose-bud, and +all sorts of stuff; and how Johnny liked to go down in his fine crimson +velvet, and show off, and have all his nonsense praised, "And the pretty +dear is so jealous," said Lionel, "that he can't bear any one to say one +word to poor me--oh no!" + +"Why, do you wish for them to do so?" said Marian. + +"Oh no, not I--I never did; and I'm glad I'm grown too big and ugly for +them. I always get as near Elliot as I can and try to hear if they are +saying any thing about the hunt; and the ladies never trouble their +heads about what is good for any thing, so they never talk to me." + +"That is no great compliment to Gerald," said Marian. + +"Ah! you'll soon see. If there is any fun in him, they will soon cast +him off; but now he is new, and he has not found them out yet, and they +_do_ dearly like to say Sir Gerald; so Johnny is regularly thrown out, +and that is what makes him look sulky." + +"Well, but it is using him very ill to desert him for Gerald," said +Marian. + +"Oh, they won't desert him. They like mamma's good dinners too well for +that; only Johnny can't bear any one else to be taken notice of. Trust +the county member's son for their making much of him." + +"But that applies to you too, Lionel." + +"Ay, and I could soon get their civility if I cared for it," said Lionel +grandly. "But I know well enough what it is worth. Why, there is Walter, +who is the best of us all--nobody cares one straw for him, except +Caroline and--" + +"And you?" asked Marian. + +"Why--why--yes, if he was not so much of a parson already." + +"Oh, Lionel!" said Marian, shocked; and he turned it rather hastily into +"I mean, he is not up to any thing; he does not shoot, and he does not +care for dogs, or horses; nothing but books for ever." + +A summons to the tea-table put an end to Lionel's communications, which +had so amazed Marian that she could do nothing but ponder on them all +the time that Clara would leave her in quiet. + +The going into the drawing-room was to her a most awful affair; and +Saunders seemed to be very anxious about it, brushing and settling her +hair, and arranging the plain black frock, as if she would never have +done; seeming, too, not a little worried by Clara, who chose to look on +at all her proceedings. At last it was over Marian wished Gerald good +night, and descended with her two cousins and Miss Morley. Caroline +and Clara were in blue, Miss Morley in white; and as they entered just +opposite to a long pier glass, Marian thought that with her white face, +straight dark hair, and deep mourning dress, she looked like a blot +between them, and wished to shrink out of sight, instead of being +conspicuous in blackness. + +The ladies came in a few minutes after, and Caroline and Clara went +forward, shaking hands, smiling, and replying in a way which was by no +means forward, and with ease that to Marian was marvellous. If people +would but be kind enough not to look at her! But Mrs. Lyddell was a +great deal too civil for that too come to pass, and presently Marian was +called and introduced to two ladies. She was seated between them, and +they began talking to her in a patronising manner; telling her they +remembered her dear mamma at her age; saying that they had seen her +brother, and congratulating her on having two such delightful companions +as the Miss Lyddells. Then they asked about Devonshire; and as Marian's +cold short replies let every subject fall to the ground in a moment, +they proceeded to inquire whether she could play. Truth required her to +confess that she could, a very little; and then they begged to hear her. +Poor Marian! this was too much. She felt as if she was in a horrible +mist, and drawing up her head as she always did in embarrassment, she +repeated, "Indeed, indeed I cannot!" protestations which her tormentors +would not believe, and which grew every moment more ungracious, as, to +augment her distress, she saw that Mrs. Lyddell was observing her. At +the moment when she was looking most upright and rigid, Caroline came to +her relief. The same request had just been made to her, and she came to +propose to Marian to join in the one thing she knew she could play--a +duet which she had that morning been practising with Clara. It was very +kind, and Marian knew it; for Caroline had said that she never liked +that duet, and was heartily tired of it; but all the acknowledgement her +strange bashfulness would allow her to make was a grateful look, and a +whisper, "Oh, thank you!" + +Afterwards one of the young lively visitors sang, and Marian, who had +never heard much music, was quite delighted; her stiff company-face +relaxed, a tear came to her eyes, and she sat with parted lips, +forgetting all her fears and all the party till the singing was over, +and Caroline touched her, and told her it was bed-time. Marian wondered +to see how well Caroline and Clara managed to escape without being +observed; but she marvelled at their going to bed so much as if it was a +thing of course to have no "good night" from father or mother. When they +were outside the door, in the hall, Marian, her heart still full of the +music, could not help exclaiming, "How beautiful!" + +"What? Miss Bernard's singing?" said Clara. "I declare, Caroline, Marian +was very nearly crying! I saw you were, Marian." + +"She does sing very nicely," said Caroline, "but that song does not suit +her voice. It is too high." + +"And she makes faces," said Clara, "she strains her throat; and she has +such great fingers--I could never cry at Miss Bernard's singing, I am +sure." + +Marian did not like this. "Good night," said she, abruptly. + +"You are not vexed, are you?" said Clara, kindly. "I did not think you +would mind my noticing your crying. Don't be angry, Marian." + +"Oh, no, I am not at all angry," said Marian, trying to speak with ease, +but she did not succeed well. Her "good nights," had in them a tone as +if she was annoyed, as in fact she was; though not at all in the way +Clara supposed. She did not care for the notice of her tears, but she +said to herself, "This is what Edmund calls destroying the illusion. If +they would but have let me go to bed with the spell of that song resting +on me!" + +She sighed with a feeling of relief and yet of weariness as she came +into her own room, and found Saunders there. Saunders looked rather +melancholy, but said nothing for the first two or three minutes; then as +she combed Marian's hair straight over her face, she began, "I hope you +enjoyed yourself, Miss Marian?" + +"Oh, Saunders," said Marian, "I'm very tired; I don't think I shall ever +enjoy myself anywhere but at home." + +"Ah--hem--ah," coughed Saunders, solemnly; then, after waiting for some +observation from Marian, and hearing only a long yawn and a sigh, she +went on. "Prettily different is this place from home." + +"Indeed it is," said Marian, from her heart. + +"Such finery as I never thought to see below stairs, Miss Marian. I am +sure the Manor House was a pattern to all the country round for comfort +for the servants, and I should know something about it; but here--such +a number of them, such eating and drinking all day long, and the very +kitchen maids in such bonnets and flowers on Sundays, as would perfectly +have shocked Mrs. White. And they are so ignorant. Fancy, Miss Marian, +that fine gentleman the butler declaring he could not understand me, and +that I spoke with a foreign accent! I speak French indeed!" + +"But, Saunders," said Marian, rather diverted, "you do speak Devonshire +a little." + +"Well, Miss Marian, perhaps I may; I only know 'tisn't for them to +boast, for they speak so funny I can't hardly make them out; and with +my own ears I have heard that same Mr. Perkins himself calling you Miss +Harundel. But that is not all. Why, not half of them ever go to church +on a Sunday; and as to Mrs. Mitten, the housekeeper, not a bit does she +care whether they do or not; and no wonder, when Mr. Lyddell himself +never goes in the afternoon, and has gentlemen to speak to him. And then +down at the stables--'tis a pretty set of drinking, good-for-nothing +fellows there. I hope from my heart Sir Gerald won't be for getting down +there among them; but they say Master Lionel and Master John are always +there. And that Mr. Elliot--" + +In this manner Saunders discoursed all the while she was putting Marian +to bed. Both she and her young lady wore doing what had much better have +been let alone. Saunders had no business to carry complaints and gossip, +Marian ought not to have listened to them; but the truth was that +Saunders was an old attached confidential servant, who had come to +Oakworthy, more because she could not bear to let her young master and +mistress go entirely alone and unfriended among strangers, than because +it would be prudent to save a little more before becoming Mrs. David +Chapple. Fern Torr was absolute perfection in her eyes; and had the +household at Oakworthy been of superior excellence, she would have found +fault with everything in which it differed from the Manor House. Her +heart was full; and to Miss Marian, her young lady, a Fern Torrite, a +Devonian like herself, she must needs pour it out, where she had no +other friend. On the other hand, Saunders was still in Marian's eyes a +superior person--an authority--one whom she could never dream of keeping +in order, or restraining; and here a friend, a counsellor, the only +person, except Gerald, who had known the dear home. + +So a foundation was laid for confidences from Saunders, which were not +likely to improve Marian's contentment. When she had bidden her maid +good night, and sat thinking before she knelt down to say her prayers, +she felt bewildered; her head seemed giddy with the strangeness of this +new world; she knew not what in it was right and what was wrong; all +that she knew was, that she felt lonely and dreary, and as if it could +never be home. Her heart seemed to reach out for her mother's embrace +and support, and then Marian sank down on her knees, rested her face on +her arms, and while the tears began to flow, she murmured, "OUR FATHER, +Which art in heaven." + +Soon after, her weary head was on her pillow, and the dim grey light of +the summer night showed the quiet peace and calmness that had settled on +her sleeping face. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + "That is not home where, day by day, + I wear the busy hours away." + + +In a short time, Marian had settled into her place at Oak Worthy, lost +some part of her shyness towards the inhabitants, and arrived at the +terms which seemed likely to continue between her and her cousins. + +There was much that was very excellent about Caroline Lyddell; she had +warm feeling, an amiable and obliging disposition, and great sweetness +of temper; and when first Marian arrived she intended to do all in her +power to make her at home, and be like a sister to her. But she did not +understand reserve; and before Marian had got over her first shyness +and awkwardness, Caroline felt herself repulsed, and ceased to make +demonstrations of affection which met with no better response. Marian +made none on her side; and so the two cousins remained very obliging and +courteous to each other, but nothing more. + +Clara had begun by making herself Marian's inseparable companion in +rather a teasing manner, caressing her continually, and always wanting +to do whatever she was doing; but as novelty was the great charm +in Clara's eyes, and as she met with no very warm return to her +endearments, all this soon wore off; and though she always came to +Marian whenever she had any bit of news to tell,--though she often +confided to her little complaints of the boys or Miss Morley,--this was +no great compliment, for she would have done the same to anything that +had ears. Her talk was no longer, as it had been at first, exclusively +for Marian; and this wag rather a relief, for it was not at all like the +talk Marian was used to with Agnes or with Edmund. + +Young and unformed as Marian was, it would be hard to believe how much, +without knowing it, she missed the intercourse with superior minds, to +which she had been accustomed. It was just as her eye was dissatisfied +with the round green chalk hills, instead of the rocks and streams of +her own dear home; or as she felt weary of the straight, formal walks +she now took, instead of her dear old rambles, + + "Over bank and over brae, + Where the copsewood is the greenest, + Where the fountain glistens sheenest, + Where the lady-fern grows strongest, + Where the morning dew lies longest." + +Edmund's high spirits, Agnes' playful glee,--how delightful they were! +and though Marian often laughed now, it was not as she had laughed at +home. Then, too, she grew shy of making remarks, or asking questions, +when Clara had nothing to say but "How odd!" or Miss Morley would give +some matter-of-fact answer, generally either quite beside the point, or +else what Marian know before. Caroline understood what she meant, and +would take up the subject, but not always in a satisfactory manner; for +she and Marian always seemed to have quite opposite ways of viewing +every thing. Each felt that the other had more serious thoughts and +principles than most of those around them, but yet their likings and +dislikings were very different in the matter of books. "Anna Ross" was +almost the only one of Caroline's favourites that Marian cordially +liked; and this, as Caroline suspected, might he owing to a certain +analogy between Anna's situation and her own, by no means flattering to +the Lyddell family. It was wonderful how many were the disparities +of tastes, views, and opinions between them; but the root of these +differences seemed undiscoverable, since Marian would not or could not +argue, replied to all objections with a dry, short, "I don't know," and +adhered unalterably to her own way of thinking. + +Miss Morley settled the matter by pronouncing that Sir Edmund and Lady +Arundel must have been very narrow-minded people; and this judgment was +so admired by Caroline and Clara, that it was sure to be brought forward +as conclusive, whenever Marian was the subject of conversation. At last +Lionel broke in one day, "Stuff! Marian is a good, sensible, downright +girl, and it is my belief that all that you mean by narrow-mindedness is +that she cares for what is right, and nothing else." + +"How much you know about it, Lionel!" said Clara, laughing; but Caroline +answered in earnest, "There is reason in what you say, Lionel--Marian +does care for what is right; but the question is, whether her views of +it are not narrow?" + +"The narrower the better, say I," said Lionel, as he plaited his +whip-lash. + +"Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, that leadeth unto life," +came into Caroline's head, and she stood thoughtful. Clara exclaimed, +"Well done, Lionel! I wonder what he'll say next to defend his dear +Marian." + +"I know what I mean well enough," said Lionel. "I suppose you call it +being broad-minded to trace your drawings through against the window, +when mamma goes on telling you not. Better have her narrow mind, say I." + +"Then why don't you," said Clara, "instead of going down to the stables +for ever with that man of Elliot's that mamma said you were never to +speak to?" + +Lionel whisked his whip-lash before Clara's eyes, so as to make her +wink. "I did not say I was good myself;" said he; "I said Marian was." +And he ran out of the room. + +Clara laughed at Lionel's admiration of Marian, which had begun to be +a joke in the schoolroom; but Caroline, as she practised her music, +thought a good deal over the conversation. "Is a narrow mind really a +fear of doing wrong?" was a question she asked herself several +times; and then she thought of all the things she had heard called +narrow-minded and scrupulous in Marian or others, but she soon found +herself lost in a mist, and wished she could talk it over with her +former governess, Miss Cameron. As to what Lionel had said about the +drawing, she was conscious she was very wrong; her mamma had called it +an idle practice to trace the outline through against the glass, and +had forbidden it; but a difficulty had soon brought her back to the +window-pane, exclaiming, "Just for this one thing, I am sure mamma would +not object." + +"If Miss Cameron had been here, it would not have happened," said +Caroline to herself with a sigh, and for a few days she kept away from +the window; but another difficulty occurred, again she yielded to the +temptation, and whoa she heard her mother's step in the passage, hurried +back to her desk with guilty precipitation. A few days after, Clara was +actually caught in the fact by Mrs. Lyddell, and then Miss Morley began +making an excuse, evidently quite as much out of kindness to herself as +to her pupil. Marian looked up in surprise, with a wondering, inquiring +expression in her eyes. They were cast down the instant the governess +turned towards her; but Miss Morley always felt abashed, by meeting that +look of astonishment, which awoke in her a sensation of self-reproach +such as she had seldom known before. + +Miss Morley was a little afraid of Marian's eyes, though not of her in +any other respect; nor did she like her much better than Caroline did, +though she gave her much less trouble than any of her other pupils, +except Caroline. Those questions and observations puzzled her, and she +thought the poor child had been reading books beyond her years--it was +such a great disadvantage to be an only daughter. Besides, she really +believed Marian Arundel had no affection for any one,--no warmth of +feeling; she would ten times prefer a less diligent and more troublesome +pupil, in whom she could take some interest, and who showed some +affection, to one so steady and correct in behaviour, without the frank +openness of heart which was so delightful. To make up, however, for this +general want of liking for poor Marian, on the other hand, every one was +fond of Gerald. His behaviour in the schoolroom was so very nice and +good, and out of doors his climbing, running, and riding were no less +admired by his contemporaries. Now and then, indeed, a dispute arose +between him and the other two boys, when Gerald criticised, and declared +that "Edmund and everybody" thought as he did; or when he would try to +outdo the sporting exploits reported of Elliot, by Edmund's shooting at +Fern Torr. One day there was a very serious quarrel, Gerald having +taken up the cause of an unfortunate frog, which Lionel and Johnny were +proposing to hunt, by rolling their marbles at it. + +Gerald declared they should not, that frogs were harmless, innocent +creatures, and that Edmund and everybody liked them. This only made +Lionel and Johnny more determined; partly from the absurdity of Gerald's +appeal, and partly for the sake of mischief; and Gerald was overpowered, +unable to save his protégé, and obliged to witness its cruel death. He +burst into tears, and then, came the accusation of crying for a frog. +Poor little boy, he burst away from his tormentors, and never stopped +till, he was safe in his sister's room pouring out his grief to her +and Saunders (for it was her dressing-time), and comforted by their +sympathising horror and pity. + +Saunders said it gave her a turn, and Marian's feelings were much of the +same nature. She could not have thought it of Lionel. He was, indeed, +reckless and unruly; by reputation _the_ naughty one of the set; but +Marian had often thought that much of Johnny's misbehaviour was unjustly +charged on him, and there was an honesty about him, together with a +cordiality towards herself, which made her like him. And that he should +have been wantonly cruel! + +She comforted Gerald as well as she could, and they went back to the +schoolroom together. Lionel, as he often did, brought her a knot in a +piece of string to be untied; she felt almost ready to shrink from him, +as capable of such a deed, and gave it back to him after untying it, +without a word. Lionel stood leaning against the shutter looking at her +for some minutes, while she fetched her books, and sat down to learn her +lessons. Tea came in; and while there was something of a bustle, and all +the others were talking, and engaged in different ways, Lionel crossed +over to her and said in a low voice, "So Gerald has made you angry with +me?" + +"No; but Lionel, I could not have thought you would have done such a +thing." + +"'Twas only a frog," said Lionel; "besides, I only did it to tease +Gerald." + +"I do not see that that makes it any better," said Marian, gravely. + +"Why, Gerald was so ridiculous, to say Edmund and everybody liked frogs; +but I didn't--I only mean that, if he had not made a fuss, I would never +have hurt the frog, and I did not mean to kill it as it was; so never +mind, Marian. I'll tell you what, Marian," added he, sinking his voice, +"I'd rather Caroline and Clara, and poor unfortunate into the bargain, +scolded me till they were black in the face, than that you looked at me +as you did just now." + +"Did I?" said Marian, rather alarmed. "I am sure I did not know I looked +anyhow." + +"Didn't you, though? It is just the way you look at poor unfortunate +when she sports her humbug." + +"Hush, Lionel! this will never do. You know you ought not to talk in +that way," said Marian, rising to put an end to the conversation. + +"But we have made it up?" said Lionel, holding her dress. + +"Yes, yes," said Marian hastily, and with full forgiveness in look +and tone. As she took her place at the tea-table, she wondered within +herself what was the matter with her eyes to cause such remarks, and +still more why she could not help liking Lionel so much the best of her +cousins, in spite of all the naughtiness of word and deed, which shocked +her so much. + +The nest day she was walking in the garden with Clara, when Gerald came +running up, with an entreaty that she would come and have a game at +cricket with him and Lionel. Clara exclaimed, laughed, and stared in +amazement. + +"She plays famously," said Gerald; "she, and Agnes, and I, beat all the +other Wortleys one day last summer. Come, Marian, don't say no; we have +not had a game for a very long time." + +"Who is playing?" asked Marian. + +"Only Lionel and me; Johnny is out with Mrs. Lyddell Come, we want you +very much indeed; there's a good girl." + +To Clara's astonishment and Lionel's admiration, Marian complied; and +though, of course, no great cricketer, her skill was sufficient to +make her a prodigy in their eyes. But the game was brought to a sudden +conclusion by Miss Morley, who, seeing them from the window, came out +very much shocked, and gave the girls a lecture on decorum, which Marian +felt almost as an insult. + +When they went in, Gerald told Saunders the whole adventure; and she, +who at Fern Torr had been inclined to the same opinion as Miss Morley, +and had often sighed and declared it to be unlike young ladies when +Marian and Agnes had played, now agreed with him that it was very hard +on Miss Marian not to have a little exercise, lamented that she should +always be cooped up in the schoolroom, and declared that there could be +no harm in playing with such a little boy as Master Lionel. + +The most unpleasant result was, that Miss Morley and the cousins took an +impression that Agnes Wortley must be a vulgar romp, and were inclined +to think her an unsuitable friend for Marian. Their curiosity was +excited by the frequent letters between the two friends. Marian always +read those which she received with the utmost eagerness, hardly ever +telling any part of their contents, but keeping them to be enjoyed with +Gerald in her own room; and half her leisure moments were employed in +filling fat, black-edged envelopes, which were sent off at least as +often as once a week. + +"I wonder what she says about us!" said Clara, one day. + +"I don't think it would suit you," said Caroline; "I should not think +she painted us _couleur de rose_." + +"Except Lionel," said Clara, "if their admiration is mutual. But, by the +by, Miss Morley, why do you not desire to see her letters? You always +look at mine." + +"She is not quite in the same situation," said Miss Morley. + +"But could not you?" continued Clara. "It would be very entertaining +only to look for once." + +"And I think it would be only proper," said Caroline. "Who knows what +she may say of us to these dear friends of hers?" + +The subject was not allowed to drop; the girls' curiosity led them to +find numerous reasons why their cousin's correspondence should not pass +without examination, and Miss Morley found she must either endure their +importunity, or yield to it. She was driven to choose the part of the +oppressor; and one day, when Clara had been tormenting her more than +usual, she addressed Marian, who was folding up a letter. "I think," +said she, speaking in a timid, deprecating tone--"I think, Marian, if +you please, it might be as well, perhaps, if I were sometimes to look +over your letters; it has always been the custom here." + +Then; was no encouragement to proceed in the look of blank amazement +with which Marian replied, "Edmund Arundel and Mr. Lyddell both approve +of my writing to Agnes Wortley." + +"Ah!" interposed Clara; "but did they mean that your letters should +never be looked over?" + +"I heard nothing about it," said Marian. + +"Miss Cameron always looked over mine," said Caroline. + +"I will ask Mr. Lyddell himself as soon as he comes home," said Marian, +determinedly. + +There was a pause, but Caroline and Clara did not look satisfied. Miss +Morley knew they would leave her no peace if she desisted, and she went +on,--"I wish I could sometimes see a proof of willingness to yield." + +Marian was out of patience, and putting her letter into the desk, locked +it up; and Caroline laughingly remarked, "Really, there must be some +treason in that letter!" If the observation had been taken as it was +meant, all would have been well; but Marian bit her lip with an air that +convinced the sisters that Caroline had hit the mark; and their glances +stimulated Miss Morley to say, as decidedly as she could, "Marian, your +present conduct convinces me that it is desirable that I should see that +letter." + +Marian's dark eyes gave one indignant flash, as she proudly drew up her +head, opened her desk, laid her letter on the table before Miss Morley, +and slowly walked out of the room; but as soon as she had shut the door, +she ran at full speed along the passage to her own room, where, throwing +herself on the bed, she gave way to a fit of violent weeping, and sobs +which shook her whole frame. Proud, passionate feelings at first almost +choked her, and soon these were followed by a flood of the bitter tears +of loneliness and bereavement. "Who would have dared insult her thus, +had her father and mother been living?" and for a minute her agony for +their loss was more intense than it had ever been. Gradually, "the +turbid waters brightening as they ran," became soothing, as she dwelt on +the sweet, holy memory of her parents, and wholesome as she mourned over +her fit of pride and anger. But for what were they accountable, whose +selfish weakness and thoughtless curiosity had caused the orphan's tears +to flow? + +Caroline had not seen those flashing eyes without an instant perception +of the injustice of the accusation. Her half-jesting speech had led +the matter much further than she had intended; and alarmed at the +consequences, she ran after her cousin to entreat her pardon; but +Marian, unconscious of all save the tumult within herself, hurried on +too fast to be overtaken, and just as Caroline reached her door, had +shut it fast, and drawn the bolt, and a gentle knock and low call of +"Marian, dear Marian," were lost in the first burst of sobs. Caroline, +baffled and offended, turned away with feelings even more painful than +hers; and too proud to repeat the call, walked up and down, waiting till +the door should be opened, to assure her cousin that nothing should +induce her to touch the letter, and to beg her forgiveness; but as +minutes passed away in silence, she grew tired of waiting, thought +Marian sullen and passionate, and at length, returned to the schoolroom. +As soon as she entered, Clara exclaimed, "O Caroline, only think, how +odd--" + +"I don't want to hear anything about it," said Caroline, sitting down to +the piano; "I wish we had never thought of it." + +She began, playing with all her might, but gradually she abated her +vehemence, as she caught a few sounds of a conversation between Clara +and Miss Morley. At last she turned round, asking, "What? who is his +godfather?" + +"Mr. Arundel, 'Edmund and every body,' you know," answered Clara. "I +never heard anything like it. Only fancy his hearing that boy say his +catechism!" + +"What? I don't understand," said Caroline; "Mr. Arundel and Gerald! +Nonsense! He can't be his godfather. Mamma said he was only +four-and-twenty, and Gerald is almost nine." + +"Here is Marian's authority for it," said Clara; "and certainly those +Arundels are a curious family." + +"Mr. Arundel is the next heir, is he not?" inquired Miss Morley. + +"Yes," said Caroline; "I heard mamma telling old Mrs. Graves the whole +story. His father and mother both died when he was very young, and Sir +Edmund brought him up entirely, and every one looked upon him as the +heir till Gerald was born; and a groat disappointment it must have been, +for now he has next to nothing. But they all were just as fond of each +other as before; and it does seem very strange that Sir Edmund should +have made him their guardian, at his age, when there was Lord Marchmont, +who is their cousin, too." + +"I dare say," said Clara, as if a most brilliant thought had struck her, +"I dare say there is a family compact, such as one reads of in books, +that he is to marry Marian." + +"My dear Clara!" said Miss Morley laughing, "How should such a notion +come into your little head?" + +"Now see if it is not so!" said Clara; "I do believe she is in love with +him already, and he is coming to see her." + +"Is he?" cried Caroline, "I am very curious to sec him. Mamma says he is +very handsome, and quite a distinguished looking person. When does he +come?" + +"You had better read," said Clara; "I can tell you that there are +wonderful things in the letter." + +Curiosity again asserted its power, and Caroline yielded. The letter had +been opened, and it would not signify if one more person looked at it. +She took it, and read eagerly and stealthily, starting at every sound. + + "My dear Agnes--I hope you and Jemmy are getting + on well in your solitude without the schoolboys. Tell + Charles, when you write, that a gentleman staying here + caught a trout last week that weighed three pounds, but I + believe that those which are caught in these rivers taste of + mud, and are not nearly so good as our own. I was very + much afraid that Gerald would go to school this summer, + but now Mrs. Lyddell has heard that it was settled that he + should not go till he was ten, and it is arranged for him to + stay till next year, when I hope he will be happier than + Charles was at first. You asked after his drawing, so I + have put in the last scrap I met with, and in case you + should not be able to find out what it is meant for, I must + inform you that it is the dog springing on the young Buecleuch. + The other day he sent Edmund a letter in hieroglyphics, + with pictures instead of nouns, and Edmund answered + it in the same way with funny little clever drawings + throughout. His regiment is going abroad nest spring, he + thinks, to the Cape, but he has promised to come and see us + first, and thinks of going home to see about his things. + Thank Mrs. Wortley for being so kind as to scold me for + not dating my letters. I shall not be likely to forget the + date of this on September 30th, for Mr. Lyddell has just + paid me my first quarter's allowance, and I am frightened + to think how large it is; ten pounds a quarter only for my + dress, and I am to have more when I am seventeen. So + matters can go on more as they used in the parish. Will + you be so kind as to pay this quarter's schooling for Amy + Lapthorn and Honor Weeks and Mary Daw, and find out + what clothes they want, and if Susan Grey has not a new + bonnet, give her one, and a flannel petticoat for old Betty, + and if any body else wants anything else let me know, and + pay up for all the children that dear mamma used to put into + the penny club, and send me word what it comes to, and I + will send the money when Edmund comes to pay his visit. + I suppose the apples are gathered by this time; you cannot + think how I miss the golden and red piles under the trees, + and the droning of the old cyder press. And do those beautiful + Red Admiral butterflies come in the crowds they did + last year to the heaps of apples in our orchard? Do you remember + how we counted five that all came and sat on your + pink frock while we were watching them? + + "Will Mr. Wortley be kind enough to tell me of some + book of questions on the Catechism, more advanced than the + one he gave me? I suppose we ought to go on with the Catechism, + till we are confirmed, and so Gerald and I always go + through a section every Sunday, taking the book by turns, + and he knows our old one perfectly. He is so good and + steady about it that I quite wonder, considering that there + is no authority to keep him up to it, but he is very anxious + to stand a good examination when his godfather comes, and + Edmund is sure to ask hard questions. And Gerald has + never missed since we have been here, getting up in time to + come and read the Psalms with me before breakfast, and + really I think that is exceedingly good of him; but I have + come to the end of my paper, so good-bye. + + "Your affectionate + + "MARIAN C. ARUNDEL." + +Caroline's cheeks glowed as she read, both with shame at her own +proceedings, and with respect for her narrow-minded cousin; but she had +no opportunity for making remarks, for just as she had finished the +letter, and folded it up again, the boys were heard coming in. The first +thing Gerald said was, "So Marian has not sent her letter; I will run +down with it, or it will be too late." + +"It is not sealed," said Clara. + +"Clara looks as if she had been peeping," said Johnny. + +"I should like to see any one peep into Marian's letters," said Gerald, +taking it up, and carrying it away with him. + +Lionel stood with his eyes fixed on Clara. "I do believe it is true +then!" said he, laying hold of Clara's arm; "I have a great mind to say +I'll never speak to you again, Clara. Peeping into people's letters. +Why, you ought to be hooted through the town!" + +The boys looked nearly ready to put the hooting into effect, but Clara +answered angrily, "Peeping! I have been doing no such thing! Don't be so +rude, Lionel." + +"That is humbug," said Lionel; "you have been looking impudently, if you +have not been peeping slyly." + +"Lionel, you are a very naughty boy indeed!" said Clara, almost crying; +"I have done just as Miss Morley and Caroline have been doing; Miss +Morley always looks over----" + +"Let who will do it," said Lionel, "it is an impudent, ungentlemanlike +thing, that you all ought to be ashamed of. I declare papa shall hear of +it." + +"Lionel, do you know what you are saying?" said Caroline. + +"This is sadly naughty!" feebly murmured Miss Morley. + +"Lionel, mamma will be very angry," said Clara. + +"I don't care," said Lionel loudly and vehemently; "I know that you all +ought to be ashamed of yourselves, every one of you. Why, if you +were boys you would never hold up your heads again; but girls can do +anything, and that is the reason they have no shame." + +"Hush! Lionel, dear Lionel!" said Caroline, coming to him persuasively, +but he shook her off: + +"I want none of your _dears_," said he; "ask Marian's pardon, not mine." + +He turned his back, and took up a book. The girls dared say no more to +him; Miss Morley very nearly cried as she thought how impossible it was +for women to manage great boys. She ought to complain of his rudeness, +but the explanation of what gave rise to it was impossible, and so, poor +woman, she thought herself too good-natured. + +Gerald, in the meantime, had gone to his sister's room, where he called +hastily on finding the door fastened. She opened it, and he eagerly +asked what was the matter. + +"Never mind," said Marian; "thank you for remembering my letter. Will +you fetch the sealing wax out of----" + +"Well, but what is the matter?" + +"Nothing that signifies; never mind." + +"But I do mind, I can't bear for you to cry. You know I can't, so don't +begin again," added he, as his affectionate tones made her lip quiver, +and her eyes fill with tears. + +"But, Gerald, pray get the wax, or----. But no, no," added she +hurriedly, "do not, I will not touch it, till----" + +"Till when?" asked Gerald; "I wish you would tell me how they have +been vexing you. I am sure they hare, for they all looked guilty. Poor +Marian!" He put his arm round her neck, and drew her cheek to his. Who +could withstand such a brother? Marian whispered. "Only--but don't make +a fuss--only Miss Morley made me show her my letter." + +He started from her, and broke forth into a torrent of indignation; and +it was not quickly that she succeeded in getting him to listen to her +entreaties that he would not tell any one. + +"What do you mean to do?" said he. "O I will write such a letter to +Edmund, in hopes she will ask to see it. But she won't venture on mine. +Shall I tell Edmund?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you do nothing; pray don't say anything. I will speak +to Mr. Lyddell, for it was he who gave me leave." + +"And I hope he will give poor unfortunate a good rowing. Won't it be +fun?" + +"Now, Gerald, pray don't say such things, or I shall be sorry I told +you. I dare say she thought it was right." + +"Stuff and nonsense! Right indeed! I hope Mr. Lyddell will give it to +her well!" + +"If I may not write without having my letters read, I am sure I shall +never be able to write at all!" + +"And when shall you speak? Luckily there is no company to-night, and I +hope I shall be there to hear." + +"No, you will not; I shall wait till you are gone to bed, for I am sure +Lionel and Johnny ought to know nothing about it. I believe I had better +not have told you; but, Gerald, you are all I have, and I can't help +telling you everything." + +"Of course, Marian, so you ought, for let them laugh at me as they will, +I always tell you everything. And won't it be nice when I am grown up, +and we can get away from them all, and live at home together, and I go +out shooting every day, and you and Ranger stand at the top of the steps +to watch me? For Ranger will be too old to go out shooting by that +time." + +In the midst of this picture of rural felicity, Saunders came to tell +Marian that it was time to dress. + +When she returned to the schoolroom, Caroline would have given anything +not to have read the letter; she was too sure that there was nothing +wrong in it, and she could not show the trust in her cousin which would +have enabled her to speak freely, and say she was very sorry for her +speech and meant nothing by it; nor did she wish to revive the subject +before Lionel, whose indignation would be still more unpleasant in +Marian's own presence. She therefore said nothing, and on the other hand +Marian felt awkward and constrained; Lionel was secretly ashamed of his +own improper behaviour to Miss Morley, and well knowing that he should +never dare to perform his threat of telling his father, put on a surly +kind of demeanour, quite as uncivil to Marian as to anyone else; and but +that Clara never minded anything, and that Johnny knew and cared little +about the matter, their tea that evening would have been wonderfully +unsociable. Gerald had not much to say, but the bent of his thoughts was +evident enough when his ever-busy pencil produced the sketch of a cat +pricking her paw by patting a hedgehog rolled up in a ball. + +Neither Miss Morley nor her pupils ever expected to hear more of the +letter, for they knew perfectly well that what Lionel had said was but a +threat, for the appeal direct to Mr. or Mrs. Lyddell was a thing never +thought of at Oakworthy. Marian had, however, made up her mind; her +anxiety overpowered her shyness; she knew that Mr. Lyddell was the +proper person, and perhaps the fact was that she was less afraid of him +than of his wife. So, though she resisted all the glances cast at her +by Gerald, whenever he thought he saw a good opportunity for her, and +waited till all the three little boys had gone to bed, she by no means +gave up her purpose. It was time for her too, to wish good night; and +while her heart beat fast, she said, "Mr. Lyddell, you gave me leave to +write to Agnes Wortley. Was it on condition of my letters being looked +over?" + +"Who meddles with your letters?" said Mr. Lyddell, much surprised. + +Caroline, having helped to get her governess into the scrape, thought +it but fair to say what she could for her, and answered, "Miss Morley +thought that you and mamma would wish it." + +"By no means," said Mr. Lyddell, turning to Marian, "I have the +highest opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley, the very highest; I wish your +correspondence to be perfectly free." + +"Thank you," said Marian. "Good night!" and away she went, to tell +Gerald how it had passed; and he, who had been lying awake in +expectation, was much disappointed to hear no more than this. + +As soon as she was gone, Mrs. Lyddell exclaimed, "What could have given +Miss Morley reason to think that her letters were to be inspected? +Really, Miss Morley must have some courage! I should be sorry to be the +person to make the request." + +"Ah! Marian was very angry indeed," said Clara; "quite in a passion." + +"Very proper," said Mr. Lyddell. "A spirited thing. She is a girl of +sense." + +Mrs. Lyddell let the matter drop with the girls, but going to the +schoolroom, she inquired into it more fully, and found that by poor +unfortunate faithful Morley's own account, she had allowed herself to +be made the tool of the curiosity of Caroline and Clara. She spoke +severely, and Miss Morley had displeasure to endure, which was +considerably more disagreeable than all Clara's importunities could have +been. + +However, the next morning it appeared as if the whole affair was +forgotten by all parties; Marian win just as usual, and so were her +cousins; but, in secret, Caroline felt guilty, and held her in higher +estimation since she had seen the contents of the letter, which, as +she could perceive, Marian might well be doubly unwilling to show; she +wished that Marian would but be as open to her as she was to Agnes, but +this unfortunate business seemed like another great bar to their ever +being really intimate, and she did not know how to surmount it. + +These reflections were shortly after driven out of Caroline's head by +a severe fit of toothache, which for three days made her unfit for +anything but to sit by the fire reading idle books. Mrs. Lyddell +proposed to take her to Salisbury to consult a dentist, and Lionel was +supposed likewise to require inspection. Then, turning to Marian, Mrs. +Lyddell said, "This is not the pleasantest kind of expedition, but +perhaps you may like to see Salisbury, and I think your bonnet wants +renewing." + +"Thank you," said Marian, pleased with the Invitation. "I shall be very +glad to go; I believe my teeth ought to be looked at. The dentist at +Exeter said last winter that they were crowded and ought to be watched." + +"Very well," said Mrs. Lyddell, "we will see what Mr. Polkinghorn says." + +"Polkinghorn," said Marian, as Mrs. Lyddell left the room; "that is a +Devonshire name." + +"You are very welcome to him, I am sure," said Caroline; "I wish the +trade was abolished." + +"What cowards girls are!" said Lionel. + +"Let us see how boys behave before we say anything against girls," was +Marian's answer. + +"Shan't you scream?" said Lionel. + +"Of course she will not," said Caroline, "unless with joy at meeting a +Devonshire man." + +Marian laughed, and Lionel began an exhilarating story about an +unfortunate who was strapped to the dentist's chair, dragged nine times +round the room, and finally had his jaw broken. + +Marian enjoyed her drive to Salisbury, though it added to her contempt +for Wiltshire scenery, by showing her more and more of desolate down. +She watched the tall Cathedral spire from far in the distance, peering +up among the hills like a picture more than a reality, and she admired +the green meadows and quiet vale where the town stands. Poor Caroline +was taken up with dreadful anticipations of Mr. Pokingtooth, as Lionel +called him, and when arrived at his clamber of torture, hung back, so as +to allow Marian to be the first victim. The result of the examination +was, that it would be better; though not absolutely necessary, that a +certain double tooth should be extracted, and Mr. Polkinghorn, left the +room in search of an instrument. + +"So you think it ought to go?" sighed Marian. + +"I should say so," said Mrs. Lyddell, "but you may decide for yourself." + +Marian covered her face with her hands, and considered. The dentist +returned; she laid back her head and opened her mouth, and the tooth +was drawn. Caroline and Lionel escaped more easily, and they left the +dentist's. Mrs. Lyddell said something in commendation of Marian's +courage, and asked if she would like to see the Cathedral, an offer +which she gladly accepted, expecting to go to the service, as the bells +now began to ring; but she was disappointed, for Mrs. Lyddell said, "Ah! +I had forgotten the hour. We must do our commissions first, and be at +the Cathedral before the doors are shut." Marian did not venture to +express her wishes, but she thought of the days when attending the +Cathedral service had been the crowning pleasure of a drive to Exeter, +and in dwelling on the recollection, she spent the attention which Mrs. +Lyddell expected her to bestow on her new bonnet. + +Their business did not occupy them very long, and they entered the +Cathedral before the anthem was over; but Marian felt that it was not +fitting to loiter about the nave while worship was going on within the +choir; and the uncomfortable feeling occupied her so much, that she +could hardly look at the fair clustered columns and graceful arches, and +seemed scarcely to know or care for the gallant William Longsword, when +led to the side of his mail-clad, cross-legged effigy. The deep notes of +the organ, which delighted Caroline, gave her a sense of shame; and even +when the service was over, and they entered the choir, these thoughts +had not so passed away as to enable her to give full admiration to the +exquisite leafy capitals and taper arcades of the Lady Chapel. Perhaps, +too, there was a little perverseness in her inability to think that this +Cathedral surpassed that of Exeter. + +She thanked Mrs. Lyddell rather stiffly, as she thought to herself, "I +did not reckon upon this!" and they set out on their homeward drive. +Caroline looked thoughtful, and did not say much, Lionel fell asleep, +and Mrs. Lyddell, after a few not very successful attempts at talking to +Marian, took out her bills, and began to look over them and to reckon. +Marian sat looking out of the window, lost in a vision of the hills, +woods, and streams of Fern Torr, which lasted till they had reached +home. + +Such an expedition was so uncommon an event in the lives of the +inhabitants of the schoolroom, that those who stayed at home were as +excited about it as those who went, and a full and particular account +was expected of all they had seen and all they had done. Caroline and +Lionel both seemed to think Marian a perfect miracle of courage in +voluntarily consenting to lose a tooth. + +"And I am sure," said Caroline as they sat at tea, "I cannot now +understand what made you have it done." + +"To oblige a countryman," said Marian laughing. + +"Well, but what was your real reason?" persisted Caroline. + +"Mrs. Lyddell thought it best, and so did the dentist," said Marian. + +"O," said Caroline, "he only said so because it was his trade." + +"Then how could Mrs. Lyddell depend on him?" said Marian, gravely. + +"Dentists never are to be depended on," said Caroline; "they only try to +fill their own pockets like other people." + +"You forget," said Lionel, "Devonshire men are not like other people." + +"O yes, I beg their pardon," said Caroline, while every one laughed +except Gerald; who thought the praise only their due. + +"But why did you have it done?" said Clara, returning to the charge; "I +am sure I never would." + +"Yes, but Marian is not you," said Lionel. + +"You would have disobeyed no one," said Caroline. + +"I do not know," said Marian, thinking of one whom she would have +disobeyed by showing weakness. + +"Then did you think it wrong not to have that tooth drawn?" said +Caroline. + +"I do not know." + +"Did you think it right to have it done?" + +"I do not know, unless that I did not like it." + +"Do you mean to say that not liking a thing makes it right?" exclaimed +Clara. + +"Very often," said Marian. + +"Miss Morley, now is not that Popish?" cried Clara. + +"Perhaps your cousin can explain herself," said Miss Morley. + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, "you must tell us what you mean." + +"I don't know," was Marian's first answer; but while uttering the reply, +the real reason arranged itself in words; and finding she must speak +clearly, she said, "Self-denial is always best, and in a doubtful case, +the most disagreeable is always the safest." + +Miss Morley said that Marian was right in many instances, but that this +was not a universal rule, and so the conversation ended. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + "O Brignal banks are fresh and fair, + And Greta woods are green; + I'd rather rove with Edmund there, + Than reign our English queen." + + ROKEBY. + + +Winter came, and with it the time fixed for that farewell visit from +Edmund Arundel, to which Marian and Gerald had long looked forward. +Marian was becoming very anxious for it on Gerald's account, for she was +beginning to feel that he was not quite the same child as when he first +arrived at Oakworthy. He was less under control, less readily obedient +to Miss Morley, less inclined to quote Edmund upon all occasions, more +sensible of his own consequence, and more apt to visit that forbidden +ground, the stables. + +She longed for Edmund's coming, trusting to him to set everything right, +and to explain to her the marvels of this strange new world. + +Several gentlemen were staying in the house, and there was to be a +dinner party on the day when he was expected, so that she thought the +best chance of seeing him would be to stay in the garden with Gerald, +while the others took their walk, so that she might be at hand on his +arrival. Clara, though by no means wanted, chose to stay also, and the +two girls walked up and down the terrace together. + +"It is so very odd," said Clara "that you should care about such a great +old cousin." + +"He is only twenty-four," answered Marian. + +"But he must have been grown up ever since you remember." + +"Yes, but he is so kind. He used to carry us about and play with us when +we were quite little children, and since I have been older he has made +me almost a companion. He taught me to ride, and trained my bay pony, +my beautiful Mayflower, and read with me, and helped me in my music and +drawing." + +"That is more than Elliot would do for us, if he could," said Clara. "It +is very dull to have no one to care about our lessons, but to be shut up +in the schoolroom for ever with poor unfortunate." + +Marian did not choose to say how fully she assented to this complaint, +but happiness had opened her heart, and she went on,--"I have had so +many delightful walks with him through the beautiful wood full of rocks, +and out upon the moor. O, Clara, you cannot think what it is to sit upon +one of those rocks, all covered with moss and lichen, and the ferns +growing in every cleft and cranny, and the beautiful little ivy-leafed +campanula wreathing itself about the moss, and such a soft, free, +delicious air blowing all around. And Edmund and I used to take out a +book, and read and sketch so delightfully there!" + +"Do you know, Marian," said Clara mysteriously, "I have heard some one +say--I will not tell you who--that it is a wonder that Mr. Arundel is so +fond of you, of Gerald, at least, for if it was not for him, he would +have had Fern Torr, and have been Sir Edmund." + +"But why should he not be fond of Gerald?" + +"Really, Marian, you are a very funny person in some things," exclaimed +Clara. "To think of your not being able to guess that!" + +Here Mrs. Lyddell interrupted them by calling from the window to ask why +they were staying in the garden? + +"We were waiting to see Mr. Arundel, mamma," answered Clara. + +"I think," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that as I am going out, it is not quite +_the thing_ for you young ladies to wait to receive a gentleman in my +absence. You had better overtake the others. Marian will see Mr. Arundel +in the evening." + +"How cross!" exclaimed Clara, as soon as they were out of hearing. "Now +we have to go along that horrid, stupid path that poor unfortunate is +so fond of! If mamma had to go there herself, she would know what a +nuisance it is!" + +Marian was silent, because she was too much annoyed to speak properly +of Mrs. Lyddell, whose interference seemed to her a needless piece of +unkindness. At home she would have thought it strange not to hasten to +greet cousin Edmund, and she feared he would think she neglected him, +yet she could not, in Clara's presence, leave a message for him with her +brother. Gerald begged her to remain, but she replied, with, a short, +blunt "I can't," and set off with Clara, feeling provoked with +everybody. In process of time she recovered candour enough to +acknowledge to herself that Mrs. Lyddell was right as far as Clara was +concerned, but the struggle kept her silent, her cousin thought her +sulky, and the walk was not agreeable. + +Gerald did not as usual attend her toilette, but as she passed along the +passage on her way to the schoolroom, she heard sounds in the hall so +like home that her heart bounded, Gerald's voice and Edmund's in reply! +She could not help opening the door which separated the grand staircase +from the schoolroom passage, the voice sounded plainer, she looked over +the balusters, and saw--yes, actually saw Edmund, the top of his black +head was just below her. Should she call? Should she run half-way down +stairs, and just exchange one greeting unrestrainedly? But no; her heart +beat so fast as to take away her breath, and that gave her time for +recollection: Mrs. Lyddell might not think it proper, it would be +meeting him in an underhand way, and that would never do! + +Marian turned back, shut the door of communication, and in the next +moment was in the schoolroom. When Gerald came up to tea, he was in the +wildest spirit; making fun, romping with Lionel and John, and putting +everything in such an uproar that it was quite a relief when the time +came for going down to the drawing-room. + +Now, Marian's great fear was that the gentlemen would be cruel enough +to stay in the dining-room till after half-past nine, when she would +be obliged to go to bed. She could hardly speak to anybody, she shrank +away, as near the door as she dared, and half sprang up every time it +opened, then sat down ashamed of herself, and disappointed to see only +the servants with coffee and tea. + +At last, the fatal time had all but come, when the black figures of the +gentlemen entered one after the other, Marian scarcely venturing to look +at them, and overpowered with a double access of fright and shyness, +which chained her to her seat, and her eyes to the ground. But +now--Edmund's hand was grasping hers, Edmund was by her side, his voice +was saying, "Well, Marian, how are you?" + +She looked up at him for one moment, then on the ground again, without +speaking. + +"Oakworthy has put no colour in your cheeks," said he. "Are you quite +well?" + +"Quite, thank you," said she, almost as shortly and coldly as if she had +been answering Mrs. Lyddell. + +"When did you hear from home?" + +"Yesterday," said she, speaking more readily. "Agnes always writes once +a week. When do you go there?" + +"Next week, when I leave this place." + +"You come from the Marchmonts, don't you?" + +"Yes, Selina sends you her love, and all manner of kind messages. She +hopes to see you in London after Easter." + +"O dear! There is Mrs. Lyddell looking at me, and I see Caroline is +gone! Good night, Edmund." + +"So soon? I hoped to have seen more of you to-day; I came early on +purpose." + +"I thought so, but they would not let me stay at home." + +"I understand. Don't squeeze up your lips and look woeful. I knew how it +was. Good night." + +Marian walked slowly up stairs, sighing as she went, and looked into +Gerald's room. He was awake, and called out, "Well, Marian, are you not +glad he has come?" + +"O yes, very," returned Marian, in a tone of little gladness; "I hope +you will be very happy with him." + +"Why not you?" + +"It will be all disappointment," she answered in a choking voice, as, +sheltered by the darkness, she knelt down by Gerald's bed, and burst +into tears. "It will all be like to-day." + +"No, it shall not!" cried Gerald; "I will tell Edmund all about it, and +he shall send them all to the right about! I can't think why you did not +tell Mrs. Lyddell that you always stay at home for Edmund." + +"Miss Arundel," said Saunders, at the door, "do you know that it is half +an hour later than usual?" + +The next morning Marian awoke with brighter spirits. It was possible +that she might accomplish one walk with him, and Gerald was sure of +being constantly at his side, which was the great point. At any rate, +she could not be very unhappy while he was in the house. + +She heard nothing of him all the morning, but, just as the schoolroom +dinner was over, in came Mrs. Lyddell, and with her Edmund himself, to +the great surprise of all the inhabitants. Marian looked very happy, but +said very little, while there was some talk with Miss Morley, and then +Edmund asked if she had no drawings to show him. She brought out her +portfolio, and felt it like old times when he observed on her improved +shading, or criticised the hardness of her distant hills, while Miss +Morley wondered at his taste and science. It was delightful to find that +she and Gerald were really to take a walk with him by themselves. She +almost flew to fetch her walking dress, and soon the three were on their +way together. + +There was a great quantity of home news to be talked over, for Edmund +had not heard half so often nor so minutely as Marian, and he had to be +told how Charles Wortley got on at his new school, that Ranger had +been lost for a day and a half, and many pieces of the same kind of +intelligence, of which the most important was that Farmer Bright's widow +had given up the hill farm, and his nephew wanted to take it, but Mr. +Wortley hoped that this would not be allowed, as he was a dissenter. + +"Indeed!" said Edmund; "I wonder Carter did not mention that." + +"Had you heard this before?" said Marian; "I thought it news." + +"Most of it is," said Edmund, "but not about the farm. The letting it is +part of my business here, but I did not know of this man's dissent. Your +correspondence has done good service." + +"I am sure it is my great delight," said Marian; "I do not know what I +should do without hearing from Agnes. I think I have learnt to prize her +more since I have known other people." + +"You don't find the Miss Lyddells quite as formidable as you expected +though?" said Edmund; "the eldest has a nice open, countenance." + +"We get on very well," said Marian. "Caroline is so good-tempered and +clever, and Lionel is delightful." + +"O, Edmund," interposed Gerald, "Lionel and I had such fun the other +day. We caught the old donkey and blindfolded it with our handkerchiefs, +and let it loose, and if you could but have seen how it kicked up its +heels----" + +They went on with the history of adventures of the same description, +enjoying themselves exceedingly, and when Marian went in, she was much +pleased to find how favourable an impression Edmund had made on her +companions, although some of their commendations greatly surprised her; +Miss Morley pronouncing that he had in the greatest degree an _air +distingue_, and was a remarkably fashionable young man. Marian could +endure the _air distingue_, but could hardly swallow the fashionable +young man, an expression which only conveyed to her mind the idea of +Elliot Lyddell and his moustached friends. However, she knew it was +meant for high praise, and her present amiable fit was strong enough to +prevent her from taking it as an insult. + +The next day was Sunday, and she provokingly missed Edmund three times, +in the walks to and from church, he being monopolized by "some stupid +person," who had far less right to him than she had; but at last, +when she had been completely worried and vexed with her succession of +disappointments, and had come into what Lionel would have emphatically +called "a state of mind," Edmund contrived to come to her before going +in doors, and asked if she could not take a few turns with him on the +terrace. She came gladly, and yet hardly with full delight, for the +irritation of the continually recurring disappointments through the +whole day, still had its influence on her spirits, and she did not at +first speak. "Where is Gerald?" asked Edmund. + +"I don't know; somewhere with the boys," said Marian, disconsolately. + +"Well, why not?" said Edmund laughing. + +"I don't know," said Marian. + +"That is a meditative 'I don't know,' which conveys more than meets the +ear." + +"I don't know whether----; I mean I don't think it does Gerald any +good." + +"It?--what?" + +"I don't know," repeated Marian in a tone which to any one else would +have appeared sullen. + +"I should like to arrive at your meaning, Marian. Are you not happy +about Gerald!" + +"I don't know," said Marian; but Edmund, convinced that all was not +right, was resolved to penetrate these determined professions of +ignorance. + +"Is Gerald under Miss Morley?" he asked. + +"Yes, during most of the day. They all say he is very good." + +"And does not that satisfy you?" + +"I don't know." + +Edmund perceived that the subject of her brother was too near her heart +to be easily approached, and resolved to change his tone. + +"How have you been getting on?" he asked. "Does learning flourish under +the present dynasty?" + +"I don't know," replied Marian for the seventh time, but she did not as +usual stop there, and continued, "they think one knows nothing unless +one has learnt all manner of dates, and latitudes, and such things. Not +one of them knew Orion when they saw him in the sky, and yet even Clara +thought me dreadfully stupid because I could not find out on the globe +the altitude of Beta in Serpentarius, at New Orleans, at three o'clock +in the morning." + +Edmund could not help laughing at her half-complaining, half-humorous +tone, and this encouraged her to proceed. + +"In history they don't care whether a man is good or bad; they only care +when he lived. O Edmund, the lists of names and dates, kings and Roman +emperors----." + +"Metals, semi-metals, and distinguished philosophers," said Edmund; and +Marian, who in days of old had read "Mansfield Park," laughed as she +used to do at home. + +"Exactly," said she, "O, Edmund, it is very different learning from what +it used to be. All lesson and no thinking, no explaining, no letting one +make out more about the interesting places. I wanted the other day to +look out in some history book to find whether Rinaldo in Tasso was a +real man, but nobody would care about it; and as to the books, all the +real good _grown-up_ ones are down in Mr. Lyddell's library, where no +one can get at them." + +"Does not Miss Lyddell enter into these things?" + +"O yes, Caroline does, a great deal more than Miss Morley; but I don't +know--I never can get on with Caroline----." + +Marian had now gone on to the moment when her heart was ready to be +open, and the whole story, so long laid up for Edmund, began to be +poured forth; while he, anxious to hear all, and more sympathizing than +he was willing to show himself, only put in a word or two here and +there, so as to sustain the narration. Everything was told, how Clara +was frivolous and wearisome; how Caroline was cold, incomprehensible, +and unsympathetic; how unjust and weak Miss Morley was; how sharp, +hasty, and unmotherly she found Mrs. Lyddell; and then, growing more +eager, Marian, with tears springing to her eyes, told of the harm the +influence of Oakworthy was doing Gerald; his love of the stables, and +Saunders' opinion of the company he was likely to meet there. This led +her to more of Saunders' communications about the general arrangement +of the house, and the want of really earnest care for what is right; +further still to what Saunders had told of Elliot and his ways, which +were such as to shock her excessively, and yet she had herself heard Mr. +Lyddell say that he was a fine spirited fellow! + +Edmund was not sorry to find that he had but small space in which to +give the reply for which Marian was eagerly looking. He avoided the main +subject, and spoke directly to a point on which his little cousin was +certainly wrong. "Well, Marian, who would have thought of your taking to +gossiping with servants?" Then, as she looked down, too much ashamed to +speak, he added, "I suppose poor Saunders has not sought for charms at +Oakworthy any more than you have." + +"Indeed I do not think I tried to make the worst of it when I came." + +"Is that a confession that you are doing so now?" + +"I do not know." + +"Then let us see if you will give the same account to-morrow; I shall +ask you whenever I see you particularly amiable. And now I think I have +kept you out quite late enough." + +The next day was very pleasant, bright, and frosty; Marian, from having +relieved her heart, felt more free and happy, and her lessons went off +quickly and smoothly. All went well, even though Edmund was obliged to +go and call on a friend at Salisbury instead of coming to walk with her. +Her walk with Miss Morley and her cousins was prosperous and pleasant; +the boys ran races, and Marian and Clara were allowed to join them +without a remonstrance. Marian was running and laughing most joyously, +when she was stopped by hearing a horse's feet near her, and looking +round saw Edmund returning from his ride. "May I keep her out a little +longer?" said he to Miss Morley, as he jumped off his horse, and Marian +came to his side. Miss Morley returned a ready assent, and after +disposing of the horse, the two cousins walked on happily together, she +telling him some pleasant histories of Gerald and the other little boys, +and lamenting the loss that Lionel would be when he went to school. +After they had talked over Salisbury Cathedral, and Marian had heard +with great interest of Edmund's late employments in Scotland, and all +he was to do and see in Africa, and saying much about that never-ending +subject, Fern Torr, Edmund thought her so cheerful that he said, "Well, +may I venture to ask your opinion of the people here?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, who was so much ashamed of the accusation +of gossiping with Saunders as to be willing to pass over all that had +been founded on her information, "perhaps I did say too much yesterday, +and yet I do not know I am sure I should never have chosen them for +friends." + +"Perhaps they would return that compliment." + +"Then you really think it is my own fault?" + +"No;" (Edmund tried hard to prevent his "no" from being too emphatic, +and forced himself to go on thus) "I do not suppose it is entirely your +fault, but at the same time you do not strike me as a person likely to +make friends easily." + +"O, Edmund, I could never bring myself to kiss, and say 'dearest' and +'darling,' and all that, like Clara." + +"There is the thing," said Edmund; "not that it is wrong to dislike +it, not that I could ever imagine your doing any thing like it;" and, +indeed, the idea seemed so preposterous, that both the cousins +laughed; "but the disposition is not one likely to be over and above +prepossessing to strangers." + +"You mean that I am disagreeable?" + +"No, far from it. I only mean that you are chilly, and make almost all +who come near you the same towards you." + +"I cannot help it," said Marian. + +"Yes, you could in time, if you did not fairly freeze yourself by +constant dwelling on their worst points. Make the best of them with all +your might, and you will soon learn to like them better." + +"But if the things are so, Edmund, how can I see them otherwise?" + +"Don't look out for them, and be glad of every excuse for disliking the +people. Don't fancy harshness and unkindness where no one intends it. I +am quite sure that Mr. Lyddell wishes to give you every advantage, and +that Mrs. Lyddell thinks she treats you like her own child." + +"I don't think I should like to be her own child," said Marian. "It is +true that she is the same with me as with them, but--" + +"Poor Marian," said Edmund, kindly, "you have been used to such +gentleness at home, that no wonder the world seems hard and unkind to +you. But I did not mean to make you cry; you know you must rough it, and +bravely too." + +"Never mind my crying," said Marian, struggling to speak; "it is +nothing, but I cannot help it. It is so very long since any one has +known what I meant." + +Edmund could not trust himself to speak, so full was he of affectionate +compassion for her, and of indignation against the Lyddells, when these +few words revealed to him all her loneliness; and they walked on for a +considerable distance in silence, till, with a sudden change of tone, he +asked if she had had any riding since she came to Oakworthy. + +"O no, I have not been on horseback once. What a treat a good canter on +Mayflower would be!" + +"I suspect one victory over her would put you in spirits to be amiable +for a month," said Edmund. + +"Dear old Mayflower!" said Marian. "How delightful that day was when she +first came home, and we took that very long ride to the Eastcombe!" + +Edmund and Marian fell into a line of reminiscences which enlivened them +both, and she went in-doors in a cheerful mood, while he seriously took +the riding into consideration; knowing, as he did, that her mother had +thought a great deal of out-of-door exercise desirable for her, and +guessing that her want of spirits might very probably arise from want of +the air and freedom to which she had always been accustomed. The result +of his meditations was, that the next morning she was delighted by +Gerald's rushing into the school-room, calling out, "Put on your habit, +Marian; make haste and put on your habit. You are to have my pony, and +I am to have Lionel's, and Edmund is to have Sorell, and we are all to +ride together to Chalk Down!" + +How fast Marian obeyed the summons may well be believed; and though +Gerald's pony was not comparable to Mayflower, it was much to feel +herself again in the saddle, with the fresh wind breathing on her +checks, and Edmund by her side. Par and joyously did they ride; so far, +that Gerald was tired into unusual sleepiness all the evening; but +Marian was but the fresher and brighter, full of life and merriment, +which quite surprised her cousins. + +But visits, alas! are fleeting things, and Edmund's last day at +Oakworthy came only too soon. Precious as it was, it was for the most +part devoted to business with Mr. Lyddell, though he sent Marian a +message that he hoped for a walk with her and her brother in the +afternoon. + +The hour came, but not the man; and while Caroline and Clara went out +with Miss Morley, Marian sat down with a book to wait for him. In about +an hour's time the boys came to tell her they were going to the pond +with Walter. + +"O Gerald, won't you wait for Edmund?" + +"I have waited till I am tired. I cannot stay in this whole afternoon, +and I do not think he will come this age." + +"He is shut up in the study with papa," said Lionel; "I heard their +voices very loud, as if they were in _such_ a rage." + +"I wish I could see them," said Johnny, "it would be such fun." + +Away ran the boys, leaving Marian in a state of wonder and anxiety, but +still confident that Edmund would not forget her. She put on her walking +dress, and sat down to her book again, but still she was left to wait. +The winter twilight commenced, and still no Edmund; steps approached, +but not the right ones; and in came the walking party, with a general +exclamation of "Poor Marian! what, still waiting?" Miss Morley advised +her to take a few turns on the terrace, instead of practising that +horrid Mozart. Marian disconsolately went down stairs, looking wistfully +at the library door as she went past it, and, at a funeral pace, +promenaded along the terrace. As she passed beneath the window of +Caroline's room, a head was popped out, and a voice sang-- + + "So, sir, you're come at last, I thought you'd come no more, + I've waited with my bonnet on from one till half-past four! + You know I sit alone--" + +At that moment, Edmund himself was seen advancing from the door; the +song ended in a scream of laughter and dismay, and the window was +hastily shut. Edmund smiled a little, but very little, and said, "True +enough, I am afraid I have used you very ill." + +"Tiresome affairs," said Marian, looking up into his harassed face. "I +hope they have not made your head ache?" + +"I have been worried, but it is not the fault of the affairs, I wish you +had not lost your walk," added he abruptly, beginning to stride on so +fast that she could scarcely keep up with him, and apparently forgetting +her presence entirely in his own engrossing thoughts. She watched him +intently as she toiled to keep by his side, longing, but not daring, +to inquire what was the matter. At last he broke out into a muttered +exclamation, "destitute of all principle! all labour in vain!" + +"What--how--Mr. Lyddell?" + +"This whole day have I been at it, trying to bring him to reason about +that farm!" + +"What? Did he wish the Dissenter to have it?" + +"He saw no objection--treated all I said as the merest moonshine!" + +"What? all the annoyance to the Wortleys, and the mischief to the poor +people!" exclaimed Marian, "Why, we should have a meeting-house!" + +"Nothing more likely, in the Manor field, and fifty pounds +subscribed--all for the sake of toleration and Gerald's interests." + +"You don't mean that he has done it?" said Marian, alarmed, and not +quite understanding Edmund's tone of irony, "Cannot you prevent it?" + +"I have prevented It; I said that, with my knowledge of my uncle's +intentions, I could never feel justified in consenting to sign the +lease." + +"And that puts a stop to it? Oh, I am very glad. But I suppose he was +very angry?" + +"I never saw a man more so. He said he had no notion of sacrificing +Gerald's interest to party feeling." + +"How could it be for Gerald's interest to bring Dissenters to Fern Torr? +I am sure it would be very disagreeable. I thought it, was quite wrong +to have any dealings with them." + +"He has been popularity-hunting too long to have many scruples on that +score." + +Marian could not help triumphing. "Well, Edmund, I am glad you have come +to my opinion at last. I knew you would not like the Lyddells when you +knew them better." + +"I never was much smitten with them," said Edmund, abruptly, as if +affronted at the imputation of having liked them. + +"But Edmund," cried Marian, standing still in the extremity of her +amazement, "what have you been about all this time? Have you not been +telling me it is all my own fault that I do not get on with them?" + +He was silent for a little while; and then turning round half-way, +as people do when much diverted, he broke out into a hearty fit of +laughter. "It is plain," said he, at last, "that nature never designed +me for a young lady's counsellor." + +"What do you mean, Edmund?" + +"I suspect I have done mischief," said Edmund, after a little +consideration, "and I believe all that remains to be done is to tell you +all, and come down from my character of Mentor, which certainly I have +not fulfilled particularly well." + +"I am sure I do not understand you," said Marian. + +"Well, then," said Edmund, speaking in a more free and unembarrassed +tone than he had used since he had been at Oakworthy, "this is the fact +of the matter, as Mrs. Cornthwayte would say, Marian. I always thought +it very unlucky that you were obliged to live here; but as it could not +be helped, and I really knew nothing against the Lyddells, there was no +use in honing and moaning about it beforehand, so I tried to make the +best of it. Well, I came here, and found things as bad as I expected, +and was very glad to find you steady in the principles we learnt at +home. Still, I thought you deficient in kindly feeling towards them, and +inclined to give way to repining and discontent, and I think you allowed +I was not far wrong. To-day, I must allow, I was off my guard, and have +made a complete mess of all my prudence." + +"O, I am very glad of it," said Marian. "I understand you now, and you +are much more like yourself." + +"Yes, it was a very unsuccessful attempt," said Edmund, again laughing +at himself, "and I am very glad it is over; for I have been obliged to +be the high and mighty guardian all this time, and I am very tired of +it;" and he yawned. + +"Then you don't like them any better than I do," repeated Marian, in a +tone of heartfelt satisfaction. + +"Stop, stop, stop; don't think that cousin Edmund means to give you +leave to begin hating them." + +"Hating them? O no! but now you will tell me what I ought to do, since +there is no possibility of getting away from them." + +"No, there is no possibility," said Edmund, considering; "I could not +ask the Marchmonts again, though they did make the offer in the first +fulness of their hearts. Besides, there are objections; I should not +feel satisfied to trust you to so giddy a head as Selina's. No, Marian, +it cannot be helped; so let us come to an understanding about these same +Lyddells." + +"Well, then, why is it that we do not do better? I know there are faults +on my side; but what are the faults on theirs?" + +"Marian, I believe the fault to be that they do not look beyond this +present life," said Edmund, in a grave, low tone. + +Marian thought a little while, and then said, "Caroline does, but I see +what you mean with the others." + +"Then your conduct should be a witness of your better principles," said +Edmund. "You may stand on very high ground, and it entirely depends +on yourself whether you maintain that position, or sink down to their +level." + +"O, but that is awful!" cried Marian; and then in a tone of still +greater dismay, "and Gerald? O, Edmund, what is to become of him?" + +"I must trust him to you, Marian." + +"To me!" + +"You have great influence over him, and that, rightly used, may be his +safeguard. Many a man has owed everything to a sister's influence." +Then, as Marian's eye glistened with somewhat of tender joy and yet of +fear, he went on, "But take care; if you deteriorate, he will be in +great danger; and, on the other hand, beware of obstinacy and rigidity +in trifles--you know what I mean--which might make goodness distasteful +to him." + +"O, worse and worse, Edmund! What is to be done? If I can do him so much +harm, I know I can do him very little good; and what will it be when he +is older, and will depend less on what I say?" + +"He will always depend more on what you _do_ than on what you say." + +"But what can I do? all the schoolboy temptations that I know nothing +about. And Elliot--O, Edmund! think of Elliot, and say if it is not +dreadful that Mr. Lyddell should have the management of our own Gerald? +Papa never could have known--" + +"I think, while he is still so young, that there is not much harm to be +apprehended from that quarter," said Edmund; "afterwards, I believe +I may promise you that he shall not be left entirely to Oakworthy +training." + +"And," said Marian, "could you not make him promise to keep away from +the stables? Those men--and their language--could you not, Edmund?" + +"I could, but I would not," said Edmund. "I had rather that, if +he transgresses, he should not break his word as well as run into +temptation. There is no such moral crime in going down to the stables, +as should make us willing to oblige him to take a vow against it." + +"Would it not keep him out of temptation?" + +"Only by substituting another temptation," said Edmund. "No, Marian; a +boy must be governed by principles, and not by promises." + +"Principles--people are always talking of them, but I don't half +understand what they are," said Marian. + +"The Creed and the Ten Commandments are what I call principles," said +Edmund. + +"But those are promises, Edmund." + +"You are right, Marian; but they are not promises to man." + +"I could do better if I had any one to watch me, or care about me," said +Marian. + +Edmund's face was full of sadness. "We--I mean you, are alone indeed, +Marian; but, depend upon it, it is for the best. We might be tempted not +to look high enough, and you have to take heed to yourself for Gerald's +sake." + +"I do just sometimes feel as I ought," said Marian; "but it is by fits +and starts. O, Edmund, I would give anything that you were not going." + +"It is too late now," said Edmund, "and there are many reasons which +convince me that I ought not to exchange. In a year or two, when I have +my promotion, I hope to return, and then, Marian, I shall find you a +finished young lady." + +Marian shuddered. + +"Poor child," said Edmund, laughing. + +"And you are going home," said Marian, enviously. + +"Home, yes," said Edmund, in a tone which seemed as if he did not think +himself an object of envy. + +"Yes, the hills and woods," said Marian, "and the Wortleys." + +"Yes, I am very glad to go," said Edmund. "Certainly even the being +hackneyed cannot spoil the beauty or the force of those lines of +Gray's." + +"What, you mean, 'Ah! happy hills; ah! pleasing shade?'" + +"Yes," said Edmund, sighing and musing for some minutes before he again +spoke, and then it was very earnestly. "Marian, you must not go wrong, +Gerald must not--with such parents as yours----." Marian did not answer, +for she could not; and presently he added, "It does seem strange that +such care as my uncle's should have been given to me, and then his own +boy left thus. But, Marian, you must watch him, you must guard him. If +you are in real difficulty or doubt how to act, you have the Wortleys; +and if you see anything about which you are seriously uneasy with regard +to him, write to me, and I will do my utmost, little as that is." + +"Yes, yes, I am glad to be sure of it," said Marian. + +"Well, I am glad to have had this talk," said Edmund. "I did you +injustice, Marian; you are fit to be treated as a friend: but you must +forgive me, for it cost me a good deal to try to be wise with you." + +"I think you have seemed much wiser since you left it off," said Marian, +"Somehow, though I was glad to hear you, it did not comfort me or set me +to rights before." + +Edmund and Marian could have gone on for hours longer, but it was +already quite dark; and the sound of Elliot's whistle approaching +warned them that one was coming who would little understand their +friendship,--why the soldier should loiter with the little girl, or why +the young girl should cling to the side of her elder cousin. They went +in-doors, and hastened different ways; they saw each other again, but +only in full assembly of the rest of the family. And at last, soon after +breakfast the nest morning, Marian stood in the hall, watching Edmund +drive from the door; and while her face was cold, pale, and still as +ever, her heart throbbed violently, and her throat felt as if she was +ready to choke. She heard of him at Fern Torr, she heard of him at +Portsmouth, she heard of his embarkation; and many and many a lonely +moment was filled up with tears of storm and tempest; of fever and +climate, of the lion and of the Caffre. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + "Child of the town! for thee, alas! + Glad nature spreads nor tree or grass; + Birds build no nests, nor in the sun + Glad streams come singing as they run. + Thy paths are paved for five long miles, + Thy groves and hills are peaks and tiles, + Thy fragrant air is yon thick smoke, + Which shrouds thee like a mourning cloak." + + ALAN CUNNINGHAM. + + +And so Edmund was gone! But he had bequeathed to Marian a purpose and +an object, which gave her a spirit to try hard and feel out a way for +herself in this confused tangle of a world around, her. She was happier, +though perhaps more anxious; for now it was not mere vague dislike and +discontent, but a clearer perception both of the temptations around and +of the battle required of her. + +In January the whole family went to London, the object of many of +Marian's terrors. Caroline and Clara were both sorry to go, and the boys +lamented exceedingly; Lionel saying it was very hard that the last two +months before his going to school should be spent boxed up there, with +nothing to do. Indeed the life of the schoolroom party was here more +monotonous than that at Oakworthy; for besides the constant regularity +of lessons, there was now no variety in the walks; they only paced round +the square, or on fine days went as far as the park. + +And then there were the masters! Marian was in a state of great fear, +under the anticipation of her first lessons from them; but the reality +proved much better than she had expected. To be sure, she disliked the +dancing with all her heart, and made no great figure in music; but +people were patient with her, and that was a great comfort; and then she +thoroughly liked and enjoyed the lessons in languages and in drawing. +There were further advantages in the London life, upon which she had not +calculated, for here she was nobody, less noticed than Caroline, seldom +summoned to see visitors, and, when she went into the drawing-room, +allowed to remain in the back-ground as much as she pleased; so that, +though her eye pined for green trees and purple hills, and her ear was +wearied with the never-ceasing sound of wheels, London so far exceeded +her expectations, that she wrote to Agnes, that, "if there were no +smoke, and no fog, and no streets, and no people, there would be no +great harm in it, especially if there was anything for the boys to do." + +The boys were certainly to be pitied; in a house smaller than Oakworthy, +and without the occupations out of doors to which they had been +accustomed, edicts of silence were more ineffectual than ever, and yawns +became painfully frequent. Every one's temper fell into an uncomfortable +state of annoyance and irritation; Miss Morley, instead of her usual +quiet, piteous way of reproving, was fretful; Caroline was sharp; Clara +sometimes rude like the boys, sometimes cross with them; even Marian +was now and then tormented into a loss of temper, when there was no +obtaining the quiet which she, more than the others, needed in order to +learn a lesson properly. Each day Lionel grew more unruly, chiefly from +the want of occupation, leading the other two along with him; and each +day the female portion of the party grew more inclined to fretfulness, +as they felt their own helplessness. It even came to consultations +between Miss Morley and Caroline whether they must not really tell of +the boys: but the evil day was always put off till "next time." + +Gerald was riotous when Lionel and John made him so, but not often on +his own account; and he had more resources of his own than they had. His +drawing was a great amusement to him, though rather in a perverse way; +for he would not be induced to take lessons of the master, seldom drew +at the right time, or in the right place, and frequently in the wrong +ones. + +"I never can learn except when I am drawing," he said, and his slate +was often so filled with designs, that the sums were jostled into the +narrowest possible space, while his Latin grammar was similarly adorned. +There sat the Muse in full beauty, enthroned upon Parnassus, close to +_musa musæ; magister_ had a wig, and _dominus_ a great rod; while the +extraordinary physiognomies round _facies faciei_ would have been worthy +of any collection of caricatures. Moreover the illustrations of the verb +_amo_ commemorated the gentleman who was married on Sunday, killed his +wife on Wednesday, and at the preter-pluperfect tense was hanged on +Saturday. Other devices were scattered along the margin, and peeped out +of every nook--old men's heads, dogs, hunters, knights, omnibuses; and +the habit of drawing so grew upon him, that when he was going to read +any book where scribbling was insufferable, Marian generally took the +precaution of putting all pencils out of reach. + +She often warned him to take care of the school-room Atlas; but, incited +by Lionel, he could not resist the temptation of putting a pipe in the +mouth of the Britannia who sat in a corner of the map of England. This +pipe she carefully rubbed out, but not till it had received from the +others a sort of applause which he took as encouragement to repeat the +offence; and when next Marian looked at Britannia, she found the pipe +restored, and a cocked hat on the lion's head. Again there was much +merriment; and though Miss Morley, more than once, told Gerald this +would never do, and he really must not, she could not help laughing so +much, that he never quite believed her to be in earnest, and proceeded +to people the world with inhabitants by no means proportioned to the +size of their countries. John-o'-Groat and his seven brothers took +possession of their house, Turks paraded in the Mediterranean, and in +the large empty space in the heart of Africa, Baron Munchausen caused +the lion to leap down the crocodile's throat. + +It was about this time that Marian was one day summoned to the +drawing-room at an unusual time, and found Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both +there looking exceedingly gracious. "Here is a present for you, Marian," +said the former, putting into her hands a large thin parcel. + +"For me! O thank you!" said Marian, too much surprised and embarrassed +to make much of her thanks; nor did her wonder diminish as, unfolding +the paper, she beheld a blue watered silk binding, richly embossed, with +the title of "The Wreath of Beauty," and soon there lay before her, in +all the smoothness of India paper and mezzotint, a portrait, beneath +which she read the name of Selina, Viscountess Marchmont. + +"Selina!" repeated she, in the extremity of her amazement. + +"Yes," said Mr. Lyddell, resting there in expectation of renewed and +eager acknowledgements; but all he received was this--"Can that be +Selina?" + +"It is said to be a very good likeness," said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"O!" cried Marian, and there she checked herself. + +"Mr. Lyddell was quite struck with the resemblance to you," added Mrs. +Lyddell. + +The astonishment of Marian's glance was greater than ever, but here +she bethought herself that Mr. Lyddell had intended to give her great +pleasure, and that she was very ungrateful; whereupon the room seemed to +swim round with her in her embarrassment, and with a great effort she +stammered out something about his being very kind, and her being very +much obliged to him; and then, perceiving that she ought to add more, in +order to satisfy that judge of politeness, Mrs. Lyddell, she said that +it was a long time since she had seen Lady Marchmont, and that she could +not so well judge of the likeness; and then she bore it away to sigh and +wonder over it unrestrainedly with Gerald. + +No wonder the Lyddells were surprised, for Lady Marchmont's portrait was +incomparably the most beautiful in the book; the classical regularity of +the features, the perfect form of nose and chin, the lovely lip, and the +undulating line of the hair, all were exquisite; the turn of the long +neck, the _pose_ of the tall graceful figure, and the simple elegance +of the dress, were such as to call for great admiration. But all that +Marian saw was an affectation in that twisted position,--a straining +round of the eyes, and a kind of determination at archness of expression +in the mouth. Where was the merry, artless, sweet-looking Selina she +remembered, whose yet unformed though very pretty features had faded +from her memory, and left only the lively, good-natured expression +which, here she sought in vain? + +"O Selina, Selina, can you be like this'?" exclaimed she; "and to think +of their saying I am like it! I am sure I hope one is as true as the +other." + +Gerald drew his face into a horrible caricature of the expression in the +portrait, and set his sister laughing. + +"I hope I shall never see her If she has grown like it," said she, +sighing. + +"I should take the stick to her if she was," said Gerald. + +"I am afraid it must be too true," said Marian, "or she would never +allow herself to be posted up in this absurd way. I wonder Lord +Marchmont allows it!" + +"I'll tell you, Marian," said the sympathising Gerald, "if I had ten +beauties for my wife--" + +"Ten beauties! O, Gerald!" + +"Well, one ten times as beautiful as Selina, I mean; I would cure her of +vanity well; for I would tell her that, if she chose to have her picture +drawn in this Book of Beauty, it should only be with a ring through her +nose, and two stars tattooed on her cheeks." + +"And a very good plan too," said Marian, laughing; "but I am afraid +poor Selina cannot be in such good hands. See, here are the impertinent +people writing verses about her, as if they had any business to ask +her what she is thinking about. Listen, Gerald; did you ever hear such +stuff?" + + "Lady, why that radiant smile, + Matching with that pensive brow, + Like sunbeams on some mountain pile + Glowing on solemn heights of snow? + + "Lady, why that glance of thought, + Joined to that arch lip of mirth, + Like shade by fleecy cloudlet brought + Over some paradise of earth? + + "Yea, thou may'st smile, the world for thee + Is opening all its fairest bowers; + Yet in that earnest face I see + These may not claim thy dearest hours. + + "But for thy brow, thy smile we deem + The gladsome mirth of fairy sprite; + But for thy smile, thy mien would seem + Some angel's from the world of light. + + "Yet laughing lip and thoughtful brow + Are depths and gleams of mortal life; + Angel and fay, of us art thou, + Then art a woman and a wife!" + +"What would they have her to be? a husband?" said Gerald. + +Here Caroline and Clara came hastily in, eager to see the portrait and +read the verses, and very far were they from being able to imagine why +she did not like the portrait. Caroline owned that there might be a +little affectation, but she thought the beauty very considerable; and as +to Clara, she was in raptures, saying she never _did_ see any one half +so lovely. And as to the verses, they were the sweetest things she +ever read; and she carried them off to show to Miss Morley, who fully +sympathised with her. Marian found no one to share her opinion but +Gerald and Lionel, and their criticisms were unsparingly extended to +Lady Marchmont's features, as well as her expression, "Such mincing +lips! such untidy hair! Hollo! who has given her a black eye?" till they +had not left her a single beauty. + +Marian hoped the subject was quite forgotten, when she had hidden +away the book under all her others: but the nest time there was a +dinner-party, Mrs. Lyddell desired her to fetch it, to show to some one +who knew Lady Marchmont. She took it up stairs again us soon as she +could, but again and again was she obliged to bring it, and condemned to +hear it talked over and admired. One day when she was going wearily and +reluctantly up stairs, she was arrested by a call from Lionel, who +was creeping up outside the balusters in a fashion which had no +recommendation but its extreme difficulty and danger. + +"Eh, Marian, what, going after beauty again?" + +"I wish it was Beauty and the Beast," said Marian, disconsolately. +"There are different tastes in the world, that is certain; but don't +break that neck of yours, Lionel." + +Lionel replied by letting go with one hand and brandishing that and his +foot over the giddy space below. Marian frowned and squeezed up her +lips, but did not speak till it pleased him to draw himself in again, +and throw himself over the balusters before her, saying, "That is a +reward for you, Marian; Clara would have screeched." + +The next time Marian was desired to fetch the book, it was for a morning +visitor,--a broad, stately, pompous old lady, who had had the pleasure +of meeting Lady Marchmont, and thought Miss Arundel very like her. + +"Are you going after beauty?" said Lionel, again meeting Marian on the +stairs. + +"Yes," said Marian, with a sigh. + +"Well, I hope she will be pleased, that's all," said Lionel. + +Marian thought there was a meaning in this speech, but she was in haste, +and without considering it, ran down stairs again. As she was opening +the drawing-room door, she saw Gerald on the top of the stairs, calling +to her, "Marian, have you that book? O, wait--" + +"I cannot come now, Gerald," said she, entering the room, and shutting +the door after her. She laid the book on the table, and the page was +opened. + +"O beautiful!" exclaimed the old lady, "How exact a likeness!" + +"Why, Marian!" broke involuntarily from Mrs. Lyddell, and Marian, +looking at the print, could, in spite of her dismay, hardly keep from +laughing; for the elegant Lady Marchmont now appeared decorated with a +huge pair of mustachios, an elaborate jewelled ring in the nose, and a +wavy star on each cheek, and in the middle of the forehead; while over +the balustrade on which she was leaning there peeped a monster with +grotesque eyes, a pair of twisted horns, a parrot's beak, vulture's +claws, and a scaly tail stretching away in complicated spires far into +the distance. No one could for a moment doubt that this was Gerald's +work, and Marian felt sure that he had been thereto incited by Lionel. +Extreme was her consternation at the thought of the displeasure which he +had incurred; but in the mean time there was something very amusing +in the sight of the old lady beginning to perceive that something was +wrong, and yet not able to make it out, and not choosing to own her +difficulties. Mrs. Lyddell, though vexed and angry, carried it off very +well. "Ah! some mischief of the boys," said she, decidedly. "I am afraid +it is not fit to be seen." And so saying, she closed the book, and +changed the conversation. + +As soon as the visitor had taken leave, the scene was changed; Mrs. +Lyddell walked hastily to the table, threw open the book, and began to +examine into the degree of damage it had suffered. "I suppose you know +nothing of this, Marian?" said she, surveying her with one of her +quickest and most formidable glances. + +"O no," said Marian; "I am sure I am very sorry." + +"Well, I must inquire about it," said Mrs. Lyddell, taking up the +book, and hastening towards the school-room, followed by poor Marian, +trembling with all her heart for her brother, and somewhat for Lionel, +even though she could not help being angry with him for having got +Gerald into such a scrape. + +There stood the boys, looking partly exulting, partly frightened; Lionel +a little more of the first, Gerald a little more of the second; for +this was Gerald's first desperate piece of mischief, whereas Lionel had +survived many such. Besides, Gerald's handiwork was too evident to be +mistaken, while his companion's part in the folly could be known to no +one; and though it might be guessed at by Marian, Lionel thought she +might be trusted. + +The book was spread upon the table, and the expressions of horror from +the three ladies of the school-room were as strong as could reasonably +be expected. + +"Indeed," pleaded Miss Morley, in her deplorable tone, "I am continually +ordering Sir Gerald not to scribble in books, but he never will obey." + +"That is not true!" cried Gerald, in a loud, startling voice. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "that is no proper manner of speaking; you +have behaved very ill already--do not add to your fault. Before any more +is said, beg Miss Morley's pardon." + +There was a silence, and she repeated, "I desire that you will ask Miss +Morley's pardon directly--still silent? what is the meaning of this?" + +Gerald stood bolt upright, and very rigid; poor Marian glancing +appealingly, first at him, then at Mrs. Lyddell, then at Miss Morley, +all equally without effect. She saw it all--that he might have been +brought to own that be had done wrong about this individual case; but +that the sweeping accusation of disobeying orders, which, as they all +knew, were never given with anything like decision, had roused a proud, +determined sense of injustice, and that he was ready to suffer anything +rather than apologise. She was wild to speak, to do something; yet what +could she attempt? + +Mrs. Lyddell would not begin upon the book-scribbling subject till she +had conquered the spirit of defiance, and continued to insist on his +begging Miss Morley's pardon; but the more she ordered, the more +determined he grew. There he stood, his proud, dark eye fixed on a +picture on the wall, his lip curled with a sort of disdain, and an +expression in his whole motionless figure that, had his cause but been +good, would have been resolution, whereas it now was only indomitable +self-will and pride. + +At any rate, it was an expression that showed that he was not to be +conquered by woman, though he might have been won over by her: and Mrs. +Lyddell had tact enough to give up the battle without owning herself +defeated, and without further discussion said, "Go to your own room, +Gerald; I shall give you time to reflect and get the better of your +obstinacy. You may come here again when you are ready to ask Miss Morley +to forgive you for your very improper conduct towards her." + +Without turning to the right or left,--without one look towards his +sister, Gerald walked out of the room, and even shut the door after him +gently. Poor Marian, who could guess all that she felt? + +"This is very extraordinary," said Mrs. Lyddell, "so well-behaved a boy +as he is in general." + +"Ah! boys of his age always get quite beyond ladies' management," said +Miss Morley. + +"Such determined obstinacy!" said Mrs. Lyddell. + +"Perhaps he did not understand you," said Marian, unable to keep from +saying something, though she could not in her agitation think of +anything to the purpose. + +"Understand? that is nonsense, Marian. What was there to understand? +He spoke very improperly, find I desire him to apologise; and if he is +obstinate, it is very wrong of you to defend him." + +Marian was silenced, though her heart was swelling and her temples +throbbing. In another minute Mrs. Lyddell was summoned to some more +company, and Marian had nothing worse to hear than her companions' +commiseration for the book, and declarations that India rubber would do +it no good. + +The afternoon passed away, and nothing was heard of Gerald: indeed, +Marian understood him well enough to expect that nothing would be heard. +As she was on her way to her own room, looking wistfully at his door, +Lionel overtook her; and thumping her hard on the back, exclaimed, +"Isn't it a jolly beast, Marian?" + +"O, Lionel, it was very naughty of you. How could you make Gerald behave +so ill?" + +"Never mind, Marian, he will get out of it soon enough. Come, don't be +savage; we did it all for your good." + +"My good! how can you talk such nonsense?" + +"Why, I'll bet you anything you like, that mamma will never be for +having the little beastie down to show the company." + +Marian half smiled; it was pleasant to find that, towards her at least, +the boys' intention had been anything but unkind, but still she hardly +knew how to be placable with Lionel when he had led her brother into +mischief, and then left him to bear all the blame. + +"It was very wrong," she repeated. + +"Come, don't be cross, Marian. You don't mean that you really cared for +that trumpery picture?" + +"I did not care for it so much," said she, "but it was a valuable book, +and it was very kind of your papa to give it to me, so I was sorry to +have it spoilt." + +"Won't it rub out?" said Lionel. + +"No, of course not." + +"I thought pencil always did." + +"And then, Lionel, why could you not have thought what disgrace you were +leading Gerald into?" + +"You don't think, Marian, I was going to be shabby enough to leave +Gerald alone in the scrape? No, if I do, I'll give you leave to tell of +me or do whatever you please; but you see now he is not in disgrace for +drawing that pretty little beast, but for giving poor unfortunate a bit +of his mind, so what use would there be in my putting my neck into the +noose before my time? No, if Gerald is the fellow I take him for, and +stands out about begging her pardon, the whole business of the book will +blow over, and we shall hear no more of it." + +Marian shook her head. "O, Lionel, if you would only think whether a +thing is right before you do it!" + +"How can you wish me to be so stupid, Marian?" + +"I am sure, Lionel, the funniest, merriest people that I know, think +most about what is right." + +"Well, that may do in Devonshire perhaps," said Lionel, stretching +himself, "but it won't here except with you. Indeed there is nobody else +that I know of that does make such a fuss about right and wrong, except +Walter, and he hasn't got an atom of fun to bless himself with." + +"But, Lionel, what good will all the fun in the world do us when we come +to die?" said Marian, whispering. + +The boy looked full at her, but would not show that he felt any force +in her words. "I don't mean to die just yet," he said, and by way of +escaping from the subject he mounted on the balusters, and was sliding +down as he had often done before, when by some hitch or some slip he +lost his balance, and slid down without the power to stop himself. +Marian thought him gone, and with suspended breath stood, in an agony of +horror, listening for his fall on the stones of the hall far beneath; +but the next moment she saw that he had been stopped by the turn of the +staircase, and the instinct of self-preservation had made him cling fast +to the rail with both hands, though he was unable to recover his footing +on the narrow ledge of the steps beyond it. She did not scream or call, +she ran down to the landing place--how she did it she knew not--but she +threw her arms round him and succeeded in lifting and dragging him over +the rail, which was not very high, till he stood on the safe side of the +balusters, Her heart beat, her head swam, and she was obliged to sit +down on the step and pant for breath; Lionel leant against the wall, +for his nerve was not restored for a moment or two, after his really +frightful peril. Not a word was spoken, and perhaps it was better that +none should pass between them. Mr. Lyddell's step was heard ascending, +and they both hurried away as fast as they could. + +No one was told of the adventure, it was not Marian's part to speak +of it, if indeed she _could_ have done so, and it did not appear that +Lionel chose to mention it. Perhaps it was that he did not like to enter +upon it seriously, and it had been too much of an answer to his light +speech to be made a laughing matter. At any rate he was silent, and +Marian was very glad of it. + +Mr. Lyddell was coming up to visit the prisoner and try if he could +bring him to reason, but it soon transpired that all his attempts had +been in vain, even though he came to a threat that unless Gerald made +his submission before the next day was at an end, he should be sent to +school with Lionel at the end of another fortnight. + +Marian's distress increased, she was equally wretched at her brother's +increasing misbehaviour and at its punishment, It was provoking to see +Johnny walking about in all the grandeur and self-consequence of being +quite out of the scrape, and evidently rejoicing that Gerald was in +it; it was provoking to hear Miss Morley and the girls wondering, even +Saunders' pity was provoking, and there was nothing that gave her the +least comfort but the perception that Lionel was certainly graver and +more subdued. + +She was allowed to go to her brother for a little while that evening, +with some hope that she might prevail with him. She found him leaning +against the window in the failing light, listlessly watching the horses +and grooms in the mews, which his high window overlooked. He turned his +head as she came in, but without speaking, and then looked back at the +window, till she came up to him, put her arm round his neck and turned +his face towards her. It was a sullen, dogged countenance, such as she +had seldom or never seen him wear before. + +"Gerald, dear Gerald, what is the meaning of this? You never used to +behave so?" + +"I never was served so before," muttered he. + +"You have drawn it on yourself. Why will you not submit and ask her +pardon?" + +"What should I ask pardon for? I said nothing but the truth." + +"How can you say so. Gerald? Did you not know that you ought not to +scribble in books? Can you say that Miss Morley has not often spoken to +you about the Atlas?" + +"If you call 'O Sir Gerald!' and 'O you sad boy,' desiring me in a +rational way, I don't," said Gerald, imitating the tones, "laughing and +letting me go on; I thought she liked it." + +"Now seriously, Gerald." + +"Well, I mean that she did not care. If people tell me a thing they +should make me mind them." + +"You should mind without being made, Gerald. + +"I would if I thought them in earnest. But now, Marian, was it not a +horrid shame of her to speak just as if I had been always disobeying +her on purpose, making Mrs. Lyddell go into a rage with me for what was +entirely her own fault?" + +"No, no, Gerald, you cannot say it was her fault that you spoilt the +picture." + +"I think she ought to beg my pardon for telling such stories about me," +repeated Gerald sullenly. + +"Recollect yourself, Gerald, you know she meant that she had put you in +mind that you ought not; and don't you think that, true or not, your +speech was very rude?" + +"If I was to beg her pardon it would mean that she spoke the truth, +which she did not, for she never took any pains to prevent me from +drawing in the map-book, or any where else." + +"It would not mean any such thing if you were to say, 'Miss Morley, I +misunderstood you, and I am sorry I was so rude.' I am sure you must be +sorry for that, for it was not at all like a gentleman. Will you come +and say so?" + +"You're like the rest," mumbled Gerald, turning his back upon her, and +sitting like a stock. + +"Don't you think it would be the best way? Would it not make you +happier? O what is the use of being obstinate and disobedient? Think of +going to school in disgrace. O! Gerald, Gerald, what is to be done?" + +Still she spoke with earnest pauses and anxious looks, but without the +least effect, and at last she said, "Well, Gerald, I must go, and very +much grieved I am. How would dear mamma like to see her little boy going +on in this way?" + +She went to the door and looked back again there, and beheld Gerald, +with his hands over his face, striving to suppress a burst of sobbing. +She sprung to him, and would have thrown her arms round his neck, but he +pushed her off roughly, and with strong effort, drove back the tears, +and put on an iron face again. Again she entreated, but he would not +open his lips or give the least sign of listening, or of attending to +any persuasion, and she was obliged to leave him at last without hope of +subduing his obstinacy. How far he was now from being the gentle, good +child that he once had been! and by whose fault was it? Her spirit +burned with indignation against those who, as she thought, had worked +the change, and O! where was the influence from which Edmund hoped so +much? + +The next day was long and miserable, for Gerald gave no sign of +yielding, but remained shut up in his room, maintaining an absolute +silence, when, at different times, Mrs. Lyddell went to visit him, and +assure him that Mr. Lyddell was fixed in his determination to send him +to school if he did not yield before the time of grace was up. + +The time of grace was at an end the next morning, and at nine o'clock, +Gerald was summoned to the dining-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell were +at breakfast. He wanted to carry it off with a high hand, but his long +day of solitude had dulled him, and he looked pale and weary. + +"Gerald," said Mrs. Lyddell, "I am sorry you have so persisted in your +misbehaviour to oblige us to punish you, as we threatened to do. Are you +now willing to own that you did wrong?" + +"I ought not to have spoilt the book," said Gerald boldly, "and I was +rude to Miss Morley." + +"There is a brave boy," said Mr. Lyddell, very much relieved. "Well, +Gerald, I am glad you have given, in at last; I hate obstinacy, as I +told you yesterday, but that is over, and we will say no more about it; +only you know we told you that you should be sent to school, and we must +keep our word." + +"Yes," said Gerald, trying not to let a muscle of his face relax; though +now the die was cast, his consternation at the thought of school was +considerable. + +"Well, you may go," said Mr. Lyddell, "and remember that obstinacy must +be got out of a boy some way or other." + +Gerald went, and soon entered the schoolroom, where he walked up to Miss +Morley, saying, "I am sorry I was rude to you the day before yesterday." + +"Ah! Sir Gerald, I was sure your better sense--your generous spirit--but +I hope your submission--I hope Mr. Lyddell forgives--overlooks--" + +"I am to go to school when Lionel does, if that is what you mean," +replied Gerald, and then he came up to his sister, and looked earnestly, +yet with an inquiring shyness into her face. Marian might have been +hopeful, for his manner showed that it was for her opinion that he +really cared; but she was sad and unhappy at seeing his pride still so +far from being subdued, and though her heart yearned towards him, she +shook her head and looked coldly away from him to her book. + +Gerald was chilled and went back to Lionel, who had plenty of ready +sympathy for him; a story half caught from his mamma's report, half +guessed at, that the old lady had looked full at the beast's curly tail, +and had said she had never seen anything so like Lady Marchmont; the +assertion of his own certainty that Gerald would never give in nor own +that poor unfortunate had spoken the truth, and Gerald felt triumphant, +as if his self-will had been something heroic, and his imprisonment and +going to school a martyrdom. It did not last, Gerald's nature was gentle +and retiring; he dreaded strangers, and his heart sank when he thought +of school. He wanted his sister to comfort him, but he would soon be out +of her reach. No Marian--all boys--all strange, and there was no help +for it now. Gerald rested his forehead against the window and gulped +down rising tears. But when he found himself on the point of being left +alone with Marian, his pride rose, and he would not confess that he had +been wrong or that he was unhappy, so he ran down stairs to find the +other boys and to get out of her way. + +So it went on, Marian was very unhappy at this loss of his confidence; +but the more she attempted to talk to him, the more he avoided her, +being resolved not to show how great his dislike and dread of school +was. + +"Gerald," said Lionel, the last day before they were to go, "I have been +thinking I should like to give Marian something instead of that book." + +"So should I," said Gerald, delighted with the idea, for he was feeling +all the time that he was vexing his sister, and wishing to do something +by way of compensation. + +"I did not mean you," said Lionel, "for it----for you would never have +been sharp enough to think of the beast for yourself. I only told you +because you could tell me what she would like best. Papa has just given +me a sovereign." + +"He has given me another," said Gerald, "and we will put them together, +and do it handsomely." + +"Well, what shall it be? Not that stupid book over again." + +"O no, no, she has had enough of that already, and there are plenty of +other books that she wants." + +"No, don't let it be a book," said Lionel; "I can't think how anybody +can like reading, when they can help it." + +"Well, I do like some reading, when it is a shipwreck, or a famous +bloody battle," said Gerald. + +"Yes, but then it makes one's eyes ache so." + +"It does not mine." + +"Well, if I go on long it always makes mine ache," said Lionel. "And +don't the letters look green and dance about, when you read by candle +light?" + +"No," said Gerald. "How funny that is, Lionel. But I'll tell you what, +we will get Walter to take us out, and we shall be sure to see something +famous, in some shop-window or other." + +Walter was at home for the Easter vacation, and under his protection the +boys were allowed to go out. Very patient he was, and wisely did he +give his counsel in the important choice which, if left to the boys +themselves, might probably have been really something famous. Marian +would have been grateful to him, had she known all that he averted from +her, a stuffed fox, an immense pebble brooch, a pair of slippers covered +with sportive demons. At every shop which furnished guns, knives, or +fishing tackle, they stopped and lamented that she was not a boy, +there was nothing in the world fit for girls; they tried a bazaar, and +pronounced everything trumpery, and Walter was beginning to get into +despair, when at last Lionel came to a stop before a print shop, calling +out, "Hollo, Gerald, here's Beauty and the Beast itself!" + +It was the beautiful engraving from Raphael's picture of + + Saint Margaret in meekness treading + Upon the dragon 'neath her spreading. + +And Walter, rejoicing that their choice was likely to fall on anything +which a young lady might be so glad to possess, conducted them into the +shop, and gave all the desired assistance in effecting the purchase. It +was a fine impression, and the price was so high as to leave the boys' +finances at rather a low ebb; but Walter, in his secret soul, thought +this by no means to be regretted, since it was much better for them +that it should be generously spent at once in this manner, than that it +should be frittered away in the unaccountable and vain manner in which +he had usually seen schoolboys' money wasted. + +So S. Margaret was bought and rolled up, and so afraid were the boys +that she should not be rightly sent home, that they insisted on carrying +her themselves, and almost quarrelled as to which should have the first +turn. + +Marian, on coming into her room, found both the boys on the top of the +chest of drawers, trying to pin the print up against the wall, and +though her arrival caused them some discomfiture, it was on the whole +a fortunate circumstance, since it saved the corners from extensive +damage. + +"O Lionel! O Gerald! how beautiful! how very nice! What a lovely face! +Is it really for me? How I do thank you, but I am afraid you have spent +all your money." + +"It is a better Beauty and the Beast than the old one," said Gerald, +"Isn't it, Marian?" + +"A better beauty, but not a better beast," said Lionel. + +"It is very beautiful indeed," said Marian; "I shall get a frame for it, +and it will always put me in mind of you both." + +"Yes, you will always think of me when you look at the beauty," said +Lionel, "and of Gerald when you look at the beast." + +"S. Margaret and the dragon! I wish I knew the story," said Marian; +"but I suppose it is an allegory like that of S. George. How good and +innocent she looks! Yes, see, Gerald, she is walking pure and white +through the park forest, and conquering the dragon. You see the palm in +the hand for victory. So innocent and so fearless." + +"I thought it would be one of those funny Roman Catholic stories, like +what Caroline was reading one day," said Lionel. + +"I don't like making fun of those," said Marian. "They often mean a +great deal, if you don't laugh at them, and tell them properly. I +am sure this print is to put us in mind of how we are to overcome +temptation, and I do like it very much. Thank you both." + +Lionel was here called away, but Gerald remained, and proceeded to a +more minute examination of the beauties of the print, of which he was +very proud. + +"O, Gerald, dear, if we could be like it," said Marian. + +"Like it? That you'll never be, Marian; your hair is too black." + +"Yes, but like it within. Pure and clear from sin in the midst of a bad +world. I shall look at it and think of that very often, and you must +think too, Gerald." + +"I mean to be good at school," said Gerald. + +And leaning against his sister, he let her talk to him as in times of +old, advising him with all her might, for he really liked it, and was +comfortable in having it so, though he would have been ashamed to +own that he did. Her advice was at once childish and wise; sometimes +sensible, sometimes impracticable. Let any sister of fourteen think what +counsel she would give a brother of nine if he would but listen to her, +and she will have a very fair idea of it. Gerald listened and promised +earnestly, and she thought, hoped, and trusted that his promises would +be kept: she reminded him of all that could strengthen his resolution, +and talked of the holidays with what cheer she might. She had copied out +a morning and evening prayer from her own treasured book, rather than +give him such another, because she thought he would perhaps heed them +more in her handwriting, and she now gave them to him, folded up in a +neat little silk case, which he could keep without observation. How she +put her arm round him and pressed him towards her as she gave them into +his hand, and felt that she was doing what her mother would have done, +so earnestly, so tearfully, so much more impressively. O was she +watching them now? + +The brother and sister were interrupted at last, and called down to tea. +The evening passed away heavily, spent as it was for the most part in +the drawing-room; and the last thing before the boys went to bed, Lionel +pushing Gerald roughly off, held Marian fast by the hand, and whispered +in her ear, "I say--you've written out something for Gerald." + +"Yes," she answered, horrified that he should have found it out. + +"Would you mind doing it for me? Don't tell any one." + +Was not this a pleasure? Marian sat up in her dressing-gown that night +to write the prayers in her very clearest writing, for she knew Lionel +never liked to read what was not large and clear, and she guessed that +late in the evening, after all his lessons, he would have too many +"green and blue monsters," as he used to call them, before his eyes, +to be willing to give them more work than he could possibly help. She +thought her mamma would have been very uneasy if she had heard of those +green and blue monsters, and she wondered whether Mrs. Lyddell knew +or cared about them, but Lionel was one of the least regarded of the +family, and nobody but Johnny ever thought it worth while to make a +trifling complaint to her. It was far worse that Lionel should be left +to obtain a form of private prayer by such a chance as this. Alas! alas +for them all! She was too unhappy to think more of Lionel, and in the +midst of earnest prayers for Gerald, she cried herself asleep. + +Poor child, she was too miserable all the next day to give us any +pleasure in contemplating her. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + "Too soon the happy child + His nook of homeward thought will change; + For life's seducing wild; + Too son his altered day-dreams show + This earth a boundless space, + With sunbright pleasures to and fro, + Coursing in joyous race." + + _Christian Year_. + + +A couple of weeks had passed away, and Marian was beginning to feel +rather more accustomed to the absence of Gerald and Lionel, and to find +pleasure in the letters which spoke of her brother taking a good place, +and from which it did not appear that he disliked school so much as she +had feared. Still she could not but miss him grievously, and feel the +want of some one to cling to her, bring his troubles to her, and watch +for moments of private conference. Her days seemed to follow each other +without animation or interest; and if it had not been for some of her +lessons, and for his letters and Agnes Wortley's, she felt as if she +could have done nothing but yawn till the holidays. + +One day, as the young ladies were returning from a walk in the park, +they saw a carriage standing at their own door,--too frequent an +occurrence, as Marian thought, to call for such warm interest as Clara +expressed. Yet even Marian grew eager when she heard her cousins exclaim +that there was a coronet on it,--a Viscount's coronet. They were now +close to the house, just about to ring, when the door opened, the +visitor came out, and at that moment Marian sprang forward with a joyful +face, but without a word. The lady held out both hands, and standing on +the top of the steps of the door, she drew Marian up to her, and kissed +her on each cheek with great eagerness, completely regardless of the +spectators. + +"Marian, dear little Marian herself! I was afraid I had quite missed +you, though I waited as long as I could. You look like your own self, +little pale cheeks! Well, I must not stay; I have arranged with Mrs. +Lyddell for you to spend to-morrow with me. I will send the carriage for +you, and you know how much I have to show you--my husband and my son! +You will come, Marian? Not a word? Ah! your own way. Good-bye; you will +find your tongue to-morrow. Good-bye." + +She let go the hands and sprang into the carriage, giving a smile and +nod as she drove off, that filled Marian's soul, almost to overflowing, +with a rush of memories. It was as if she was no longer standing on the +hard steps, with black streets, and tall, dingy yellow houses bounding +her view, and carriages thundering in her ears; no longer lonely among +numbers, but as if she was on the bright green grass-plat by the +Manor-House door, the myrtles and sycamore nodding round her; the +shadows of the clouds chasing each other in purple spots over the +moors; her father at the window; her mother, Gerald, Edmund, Agnes, all +standing round; that sweet voice, with, that same bright smile, that +same arch little nod, repeating the "good-bye," and speaking of meeting +next year; and Marian herself thinking how very long a year would be. +And now two years had passed since that time, and such years! How +much older Marian felt! But there was Selina--Selina herself, not the +Beauty--that was enough for joy! + +Marian was roused from her dream by exclamations of delight and +admiration from her cousins, "How very beautiful!" "O, I never saw +anything so lovely!" "Marian, how could you say that she was not like +her picture?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, gradually waking from her trance. + +"Don't you think her the most beautiful creature you ever saw?" + +"I don't know." + +"Don't know!" cried Caroline, impatiently. "Do you know whether your +head is on or not?" + +"I don't--nonsense," said Marian, laughing heartily, "The fact was, I +never had time to look or think whether she was pretty; I only saw she +was just like herself." + +"Well, Marian; so you met her?" said Mrs. Lyddell's voice in its most +delighted tone, at the top of the stairs. "I never saw a more charming +person. So very handsome, and so elegant, and so very agreeable. You +have heard of her invitation?" + +"Yes; thank you for letting me go," said Marian. + +"O yes, of course! I am delighted that you should have the advantage of +such an acquaintance. I hope it will be quite an intimacy. I am sure +whenever--Well, certainly, I never met with anything more fascinating. +She spoke of you with such affection, my dear; I am sure she must be the +most delightful person!" + +Marian was not suffered to proceed up stairs till she had been told +all the particulars of Lady Marchmont's visit, and had answered many +questions respecting her; and, when she went up to the school-room, +it was the same thing. The party there seemed to look upon their good +fortune, in having had a sight of her, something as if they had seen +the Queen, or "the Duke;" and it was with a sort of awe that Clara +pronounced the words "Lady Marchmont," as she talked over every +particular of her dress and deportment. + +All this in some degree perplexed Marian. Titled ladies were by no means +unusual among Mrs. Lyddell's visitors, and did not create anything +like this sensation; and she had not been used at home to hear Selina +Grenville talked of as anything more than a wild, gay-tempered girl, +whose character for wisdom did not stand very high. To be sure she was +now married, and that might make a difference; but then Edmund had since +spoken of her as giddy, and as if he had not the highest idea of her +discretion. Moreover, it struck Marian herself that she had spoken of +her husband and child just as if they were two playthings, to be shown +off. Of course that was only in fun, but Marian's was the time of life +to have great ideas of the requisite gravity of demeanour in a married +woman. Altogether, much as she loved Selina, and clever and engaging +as she thought her, it astonished her not a little to find that the +relationship conferred upon herself such distinction in the eyes of her +cousins; and she spent the evening and the next morning alternately in +speculations of this kind, hopes of a home-like day, and fears that +Selina after all might prove the affected Viscountess of the Wreath of +Beauty. + +The time came, the carriage was sent punctually, and in due time Marian +was being marshalled up the broad staircase by the tall servants, in all +the trepidation of making her first visit in state on her own account, +and feeling at every step as if she was getting further into the Wreath +of Beauty. Across a great drawing-room,--such a beautiful grand room,--a +folding door is opened; "Miss Arundel" is announced, and there she +stands in all her stiffness. + +There was a little table near the fire, and beside it sat Lady +Marchmont, writing notes, in the plainest and most becoming of morning +dresses,--a sort of brown holland looking thing, with a plain, stiff, +white collar, and a dark blue ribbon, her only ornament, except one +large gold bracelet. Her hair was twisted in glossy sunny waves behind +her ear, as in some Greek statues; her blue eyes were bright and +lustrous, and nothing was ever clearer and more delicate than the slight +tinge of red on her cheeks. Lord Marchmont was standing leaning on the +mantelshelf, apparently in consultation with her. + +As soon as Marian entered, Selina's pen was thrown down, and she flew +forward, throwing her arms round her little cousin, and kissing her +repeatedly. Then, her arm round Marian's neck, and her hand on her +shoulder, she led her towards Lord Marchmont, who stepped forward to +receive her, saying, "Yes, here she is, here is your little cousin; and +hero, Marian, here is your great cousin. Now I would give five shillings +to know what you think of each other." + +"I suppose one part of that pleasure will only be deferred till I am out +of the room," said Lord Marchmont, as he shook hands with Marian in a +kind, cordial, cousinly manner. He was a brown, strong-featured man of +three or four and thirty, hardly young enough, and far from handsome +enough, in Marian's very youthful eyes, to be suited to his wife, but +very sensible and good-natured looking. + +"No, Marian is a safe person, and will get no further than 'I don't +know;' at least if she is the Marian I take her for," said Lady +Marchmont. + +"Very prudent," was his answer, smiling at Marian; and then, in +compassion to her confusion, gathering up his papers, and preparing to +depart. + +"Are you going?" said his wife. "Well, I do you the justice to say that, +under the circumstances, it is the wisest proceeding in your power; for +I shall not get three words out of Marian all the time you are here." + +After a few more words of consultation on their own affairs, he left the +room, and then Selina caught hold of Marian again, and said she must +have a thorough good look at her all over, to see how much of dear old +Fern Torr she had brought with her. + +Selina Grenville was the youngest daughter of a sister of Sir Edmund +Arundel, who had, like the rest of her family, died early. She had been +a good deal abroad with her father and a married sister. Her uncommon +beauty and engaging manners gained her, when she was little more than +eighteen, the affection of Lord Marchmont, a more distant connection +of the Arundel family; and happily for Selina, she appreciated him +sufficiently to return his love so thoroughly, as to lay aside all the +little coquetries which had hitherto been the delight of her life; and +to devote herself to him even as he deserved. + +It might have been that the poem had said too much in pronouncing her to +be a woman as well as a wife; for Selina Marchmont was almost as much of +a child as Selina Grenville had been, and only now and then did those +deeper shades of thought pass over her face, which showed how much soul +there was within her as yet only half developed. Her manners were almost +more playful than suited her position, though they became her perfectly; +her husband delighted in them; but it was this that had given her grave +and saddened cousin, Edmund, an impression that her sense was not of a +high order. + +She was very warm-hearted. She had been exceedingly attached to her +uncle and aunt at Fern Torr; and now it seemed as if she could never +fondle Marian enough. The first thing was to show her baby, but she +premised that she did not expect Marian to go into raptures about him; +she never did expect any one to like babies. "In fact, Marian," she +whispered, "don't betray me, but I am a wee bit afraid of him myself. It +is such a very little live thing, and that nurse of his never will let +me have any comfort with him, and never will trust me to get acquainted +with him in a _tête-à-tête_, poor little man! O, here he comes! the +Honourable William James Bertram Marchmont--his name nearly as long as +himself." + +In came a broad, tall, dignified nurse, large enough to have made at +least four Selinas, carrying a small bundle of long white robes. Selina +took the little bundle in her arms rather timidly, and held it for +Marian to see. Pew babies were ever looked at more silently; he was a +small, but pretty, healthy-looking child of between two and three months +old,--a very wax doll of a baby, with little round mottled arms moving +about, and tiny hands flourishing helplessly, he looked just fit for his +mamma. She held him with the fond, proud, almost over care with which +little girls take for a moment some new brother or sister; and as she +gazed upon him without a word, the earnest intensity of expression +gathered upon her beautiful face. After about five minutes thus spent, +she roused herself, and began gaily to tell Marian not to trouble +herself to seek for a likeness in him to anybody, or to say anything so +wild as that he in the least resembled her or his papa; and then she +nodded and smiled at him, and seemed as if she would have talked to him +and played with him, if his nurse had not been standing close by all the +time, looking as if she was being defrauded of her property. + +"It is time Master Marchmont should be taken out before the sun goes +off, my Lady," said she, authoritatively. + +"Very well, I suppose he must," said Selina, reluctantly giving him back +again after a timid kiss. + +"There goes my lady nurse and her child," said she with a sigh, hidden +even from herself by a laugh. "I am sure he seems a great deal more hers +than mine; but there, I should never know what to do with him. Come, +Marian, now for all about yourself, my poor child. How do they use you?" + +Much indeed there was to hear; and much to tell on either side, and +scarcely for a moment did the two cousins cease from talking as they sat +together in the morning, and drove together in the afternoon. Selina was +one of those people who have a wonderful power of dispelling reserve, +chiefly by their own frankness; and when she had told Marian all the +history of her first sight of Lord Marchmont, and the whole courtship, +and all that she had thought "so very noble" in him, and tried to make +her understand how very happy she was, Marian's heart was open in her +turn. Not the depths of it,--not such things as by a great effort she +had told to Edmund, and might possibly tell to Mrs. Wortley, but much +more than she could ever have said to any one else; and free and +abundant was the sympathy and pity she received,--pity even beyond what +she thought she deserved. She was surprised to observe that Selina spoke +of the Lyddells with a sort of contempt, as if they were wanting in +refinement; whereas she herself had never thought of their being +otherwise than lady-like, and certainly very fashionable; but she +supposed Lady Marchmont knew best, and was pleased to find herself +considered superior. Gerald was of course one of their subjects of +conversation, and gradually Marian, with her strict regard to truth, +from a little unguardedness, found herself involved in a tangle from +which there was no escape, without telling the whole story of the Wreath +of Beauty. + +She need not have been afraid; Selina laughed as if nothing would ever +make her cease, and insisted on Marian's bringing the portrait the next +time she came to visit her. She vowed that she would patronise Lionel +for ever for his cleverness; and when Marian looked sorrowful about the +consequences, she told her that it was much better for Gerald to be at +school, and she was very glad he was gone; and then she patted Marian's +shoulder, and begged that she would not think her very cruel for saying +so. + +Marian was very glad to be able to acquit her of vanity, when she heard +the history of the insertion of the engraving, which had been entreated +for by persons whom Lord Marchmont did not like to disoblige. The +engraving both he and Selina disliked very much; and when Marian saw the +original portrait, she perceived that the affectation did not reside +there, for it was very beautiful, and the only fault to be found with it +was chiefly attributable to the fact that miniatures always make +people look so pretty, that this did not give the idea of a person so +surpassingly lovely as Selina. + +Lord Marchmont came in several times to speak to his wife, but Marian +did not see much of him till dinner-time, and then she liked him very +much. He was certainly rather a grave person, and she wondered to see +how Selina could be so merry with him; but he was evidently amused, +and Marian had yet to learn how a clever and much occupied man likes +nonsense to be talked to him and before him in his hours of relaxation. +He behaved to Marian herself very kindly, and just as if she was a +grown-up person,--a treat which she had scarcely enjoyed since she left +Fern Torr; and though she was silent, as usual when with strangers, it +was with no uncomfortable shyness: she was more at ease already with him +than with Mr. Lyddell. + +Selina told him the history of Gerald's works of art in so droll a +manner, that Marian herself saw it in a much funnier aspect than she had +ever done before. He was much diverted, and turning to Marian, said, +with seriousness that would have alarmed her, but for Selina's laughter, +and a certain sub-smile about the corners of his mouth, that he hoped he +was not to take the Beast as anything personal. Selina told him that she +wanted him to convince Marian that it was a very good thing for Gerald +to be sent to school, and he set to work to do so in earnest with much +kindness, and by asking sundry questions about her brother's attainments +and tastes, he so won her, that she was ready to do him the honour of +acknowledging him as one of her own cousins. + +The evening came too soon to an end, though the carriage had not been +ordered to take Marian home, till ten o'clock. It had all been like one +dream of brightness, and Marian, when she awoke the next morning, could +hardly believe that it was the truth that she had enjoyed herself so +much, and that a house containing such happiness for her could be in +London or so near her. + +The schoolroom looked very black and dull after the bright little +sitting-room where she had parted with Selina; the lessons were +wearisome, her companions more uncongenial than ever; she felt actually +cross at the examination to which Clara subjected her about every trifle +she could think of, in the house of Marchmont. She could have talked of +its delights if there had been anybody to care about them in her own +way, but that was the great if of Marian's life. She was conscious +that her day's pleasure had unhinged her, and made her present tasks +unusually distasteful, and she thought it the fault of the Lyddells, and +in a great fit of repining blamed Edmund for injustice to Selina in +not letting her house be their home. Her great hope was of another day +there, the only thing that seemed to give a brightness to her life, and +she looked forward to an intercourse between Lady Marchmont and Mrs. +Lyddell, which would produce continual meetings. + +However, time passed on, and she did not see Selina. Mrs. Lyddell took +her when she went to return the visit, but Lady Marchmont was not at +home. It was not till after more than a fortnight that she received a +little note from her, saying that they were going to a show of flowers, +and would send for Marian to go with them. + +There was quite a commotion in the house on the occasion; not that all +were not willing that Marian should go, but that Mrs. Lyddell thought +her dress not at all fit; the plain straw bonnet which Marian _would_ +buy, in spite of all that could be said to the contrary, and that old +black silk dress which did very well just for going to Church in, with a +governess, but---- + +Mrs. Lyddell and Saunders were for once in their lives agreed; and +Marian, who thought her money would have served her this time to +fulfil her grand scheme of buying Tytler's History of Scotland, was +overpowered, and obliged to let them have their will, and wear it +outside her head, in white silk; instead of inside, in Robert Bruce's +wanderings. + +She was quite ready, in new bonnet and mantle, by the time Lady +Marchmont's carriage was at the door, and very happy she was to find +herself by her side again. Perhaps there was a little consciousness +of newness in the manner in which she wore them, for Lady Marchmont +remarked upon them, and said that they were very pretty, as in fact they +were. Marian looked disconsolate, and Selina laughingly asked why. She +told her former wishes, and was further laughed at, or rather Mrs. +Lyddell was. Selina said the old bonnet would have done just as well; +"it was so like such people to smarten up for a great occasion." + +Such people! Marian wondered again, and disliked her white bonnet more +than ever, resolving for the future to trust her own taste. She soon +forgot all this, however, in the pleasure of seeing green grass and +trees, and the beautiful, most beautiful flowers, with their delicious +perfume. This was real delight, such as she had never imagined before, +and she thought she could have studied the wonderful forms of those +tropical plants for ever, if it had not been for the crowds of people, +and for a little awe of Lord Marchmont, who had given her his arm, and +who did not seem to know or care much even for the dove orchis or the +zebra-striped pitcher-plant. She wished she could turn him into Edmund, +and looked at every plant which she fancied a native of the Cape, almost +as kindly as if it had been a primrose of Fern Torr. + +It was another delightful day. Marian went back with her friends, +and sat by while Selina was dressed for an evening party, heard a +description of her home in the country, and gave a very unflattering one +of Oakworthy, gained somehow or other a renewed impression of her own +superiority to the Lyddells, and went home to indulge in another fit of +discontent. + +Such were Marian's visits to Lady Marchmont, and such their effect. Mrs. +Lyddell did much indeed that was calculated to give strength to the +feeling by the evident pride which she took in Marian's familiarity with +Lady Marchmont, and even in the cold, distant, formal civility with +which she herself was treated. + +There was danger around Marian which she did not understand, the world +was tempting her in a different way. She disliked what she saw among the +Lyddells too much to find their worldly tastes and tempers infectious, +but her intercourse with Selina was a temptation in a new form. She +loved Selina so heartily as to see with her eyes, and be led by her in +opinions: especially when these were of a kind according with her own +character. It was from her that Marian imbibed the idea that she was to +be pitied for living in her present home, not because Mrs. Lyddell's +mind was set on earth and earthly things, but because she did not belong +to those elite circles which Marian learnt to believe her own proper +place. Edmund had told her she might stand on high ground, and she +believed him, but was this such high ground as he meant? The danger did +not strike Marian, because it did not seem to her like pride, since the +distinction, whatever it was, did not consist in rank; she would have +had a horror of valuing herself on being a baronet's daughter, but this +more subtle difference flattered her more refined feelings of vanity; +and though she was far from being conscious of it, greatly influenced +her frame of mind, and her conduct towards her cousins. It was not +without reason now that Caroline thought her proud. + +It must not, however, be supposed that this was Marian's abiding frame +of mind; it was rather the temper which was infused into her by each +successive visit to Selina during the next three years. Of course, every +time it was renewed, it was also strengthened, but it was chiefly her +London disposition, and used in great degree to go off when she +was taken up with the interests of Oakworthy, and removed from the +neighbourhood of Lady Marchmont. + +Oakworthy was so preferable to London, except so far as that she was +there out of Selina's reach, that she began to have a kindness for it. +She knew some of the poor people there, in whom Caroline had kept up an +interest ever since Miss Cameron's time; the smoky streets of London +had taught her to prize the free air and green turf of the Downs; and, +thanks to Edmund, her own dear Mayflower awaited her there, and she +enjoyed many a canter with Caroline and Walter. She began for the first +time to become acquainted with the latter, and to learn to look upon him +with high esteem, but to obtain a knowledge of him was a very difficult +matter. He was naturally diffident and bashful, and his spirits were +not high; he had been thrown more and more into himself by his mother's +hastiness of manner and his father's neglect. His principles were high +and true, his conduct excellent, and as he had never given any cause for +anxiety, he was almost always overlooked by the whole family. Nor was he +clever, and the consciousness of this added to his timidity, which being +unfortunately physical as well as mental, caused him to be universally +looked down upon by his brothers. Even Marian began to share the +feeling when she saw him turn pale and start back from the verge of a +precipitous chalk pit where she could stand in perfect indifference, and +when she heard him aver his preference for quiet horses. Mayflower's +caperings were to him and Caroline so shocking, and it appeared to them +so improper that she should be allowed to mount such an animal, that but +for her complete ease, her delight in the creature's spirit, and her +earnest entreaties, a complaint against Mayflower would certainly have +been preferred to the authorities. + +In spite of all this, there was satisfaction in talking to Walter, for +he saw things as Marian did, right and wrong were his first thoughts, +and his right and wrong were the same as hers. This was worth a great +deal to her, though she was often provoked with him for want of boldness +in condemnation. A man grown up could, she thought, do so much to set +things to rights, if he would but speak out openly, and remonstrate, +but Walter shrank from interfering in any way; it seemed to cost him an +effort even to agree with Marian's censure. Yes, she thought, as she +stood looking at the print of S. Margaret, Walter might pass by the +dragon, nay, fight his own battle with it, but he would never tread it +manfully under, so that it might not rise to hurt others. He might mourn +for the sins around him, but would he ever correct them? Marian thought +if she was a man, a man almost twenty, destined to be a clergyman, she +had it in her soul to have done great things; then she would not be shy, +for she should feel it her duty to speak. + +In the meantime, Marian had a trouble of her own, a sore place in her +heart, and in its tenderest spot, for Gerald was the cause. The first +holidays had been all she could desire; he was affectionate, open, full +of talk about home and Edmund, with the best of characters; and with the +exception of all the other boys being "fellows" and nameless, there was +nothing like reserve about him; but the next time, he had not been three +days in the house, before she perceived that the cloud had come down +again, which had darkened the last few weeks before his going to school. +He avoided being alone with her, he would not let her ask him questions, +he talked as if he despised his governors and teachers, and regarded +rules as things made to be eluded. His master's letter did not give a +satisfactory account of him, and when Marian tried to fish out something +about his goings on from Lionel, she met with impenetrable silence, +Lionel himself seemed to be going through school pretty much in the same +way, with fits and starts of goodness, and longer intervals of idleness, +but he made his eyes a reason, or an excuse, for not doing more. They +were large, bright, blue, expressive eyes, and it was hard to believe +them in fault, but strong sunshine or much reading by candle-light +always brought the green and purple monsters, and sometimes a degree of +inflammation. It was said that he must be careful of them, and how much +of his idleness was necessary, how much was shirking, was a question for +his own conscience. + +Every time Gerald came home, Marian saw something more that pained her. +There was the want of confidence that grew more evident every time, +though it was by no means want of affection; it was vain to try to keep +him away from the stables; he read books on Sunday which she did not +approve, she did not think he wrote to Edmund, and what made her more +uneasy than all was, that Elliot was becoming the great authority with +him. Elliot had begun to take a sort of distant patronising notice of +hint, which seemed to give him great pleasure, and which Marian who +every year had reason to think worse of Elliot, considered very +dangerous. She could not bear to see Gerald search through, the +newspapers for the racing intelligence, and to see him orating +scientifically to Lionel and Johnny about the points of the horses; she +did not like to see him talking to the gamekeepers, and set her face, +more than was perhaps prudent, against all the field sports which were +likely to lead him into Elliot's society. + +In her zeal against this danger, she forgot how keen a sportsman +Edmund himself was, and spoke as if she thought these amusements wrong +altogether, and to be avoided, and this, together with the example of +Walter, gave Gerald a very undesirable idea of the dulness of being +steady and well conducted. That he spent more money than was good for +him, was also an idea of hers gathered from chance observations of her +own, and unguarded words of the other boys; but this was one of the +points on which his reserve was the strictest, and she only could be +anxious in ignorance. The holidays, anticipated with delight, ended in +pain, though still she cherished a hope that what alarmed her might be +boyish thoughtlessness of no importance in itself, and only magnified by +her fears. + +She was encouraged in this by finding that Lord Marchmont, when he saw +him once in London, thought him a very fine, promising boy, and that Mr. +and Mrs. Lyddell did not seem to see anything seriously amiss. But then +Lord Marchmont had not seen enough of him to be able to judge, and would +not have told her even if he had thought there probably was anything +wrong; and she could not trust to Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell. It was very +painful to imagine herself unjust to her only brother, and she drove the +fears away; but back they would always come, every time Gerald was at +home, and every time she looked and longed in vain for a letter from +him. + +Thus passed, as has already been said, three years, spent for the most +part without event. Caroline, at eighteen, was introduced; but though +her evenings were given to company, her mornings were still spent in the +schoolroom, of which indeed she was the chief brightness. Marian, though +she had the offer of coming out at the same time, was very glad to +embrace the alternative of waiting another year. She was now a little +past her seventeenth birthday, which emancipated her from being +absolutely Miss Morley's pupil. She breakfasted with the rest of the +family, dined with them when there was not a large party, learnt more +of masters, and studied more on her own account than she had ever done +before; and only depended on Miss Morley and Clara for companionship in +walking and meals, when Caroline was otherwise engaged. + +She was more with the Marchmonts than ever during this spring. She rode +with them, kept Selina company when her husband went out without her; +went about with her wherever a girl of woman's height, though not yet +come out, could be taken; and was almost always at any of her dinners or +evening parties, where she could have the pleasure of seeing anything +that was distinguished. It was a very pleasant life; for she was new to +the liberty of being loosed from schoolroom restraints, and at the same +time the restraints and duties of society had not laid hold upon her. +Among Selina's friends she was not expected to talk, and could listen +in peace to the conversation of the very superior men Lord Marchmont +brought around him; or if she chanced to exchange a few words with any +of them, she remembered it afterwards as a distinction. Selina, with all +the homage paid to her beauty, her rank, her fascination of manner, and +her husband's situation, was made much of by all, and was able to avoid +being bored, without affronting any one; and a spoilt child of fashion +herself, in her generosity and affection, she made Marian partake her +pleasures, and avoid annoyances as far as she could, like herself. It +was a pleasant life, and Marian thoroughly enjoyed it but was it a safe +one? + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + "So too may soothing Hope thy leave enjoy, + Sweet visions of long severed hearts to frame; + Though absence may impair or cares annoy, + Some constant mind may draw us still the same." + + _Christian Year_. + + +"Here are two letters for you, Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, meeting the +girls as they came in from a walk; "Lady Marchmont's servant left this +note." + +"An invitation to dinner for this evening," said Marian opening it; "ah! +I knew they were to have a party; 'just recollected that Lady Julia +Faulkner used to know Fern Torr, and I must have you to meet her, if it +is not a great bore.'" + +"Then, my dear, had you not better send an answer? James can take it +directly." + +"No, no, thank you; the carriage will call at seven. Who can this Lady +Julia be? But--" by this time Marian had arrived at her other letter, +and, with a sudden start and scream of joy, she exclaimed, "They are +coming!" + +"Coming? Who?" asked Caroline. + +"Agnes--and Mr. and Mrs. Wortley! O! All coming to stay with their +friends in Cadogan Place. I shall see them at any time I please." + +"I am very glad of it," said Caroline. + +"Tell them that their earliest engagement must be to us," said Mrs. +Lyddell. "When do you expect them?" + +"Next week, next week itself," cried Marian, "to stay a whole fortnight, +or perhaps three weeks. Mr. Wortley has business which will occupy +him--" + +Few faces ever expressed more joy than Marian's in the prospect of a +meeting with these dearest of friends; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline smiled +at her joy as she flew out of the room to make Saunders a partaker in +her pleasure. + +"Strange girl," said Caroline; "so cold to some, so warm to others; I +shall be glad to see these incomparable Wortleys." + +"So shall I," said Mrs. Lyddell; "but I expect that Marian's opinion of +them will soon alter, she has now become used to such different society. +However we must be very civil to them, be they what they may." + +In the meantime Marian penned a letter to Agnes, in terms of delight and +affection twenty times warmer than any which had ever passed her lips, +and then resigned herself to Saunders' hands to be dressed, without +much free will on her own part; too excited to read as usual during +the operation, sometimes talking, sometimes trying to imagine Agnes in +London, a conjunction which seemed to her almost impossible. + +The carriage came for her, and in due time she was entering the great +drawing-room, where Selina, looking prettier than ever in her evening +dress, sat reading a novel and awaiting her guests. + +"O Selina, only think," she began; "the Wortleys are coming!" + +"What say you? Why, Marian, you are in a wild state. Who are coming?" + +"The Wortleys, Selina, my own Agnes." + +"O, your old clergyman's daughter! You constant little dove, you don't +mean that you have kept up that romantic friendship all these years?" + +"Why, Selina!" + +"Yes, yes, I remember all about them now: the daughter was your great +friend." + +"She was more yours," said Marian, "when you were at Fern Torr, because +you were more nearly the same age. Don't you remember how you used to +whisper under the sycamore tree, and send me out of the way?" + +"Poor little Marian! Well, those were merry times, and I rather think +your Agnes promised to be very pretty." + +"And shall not you be glad to see her?" + +"When do they come?" + +"Next Monday, to--Cadogan Place." + +"Close to you. Well, that is lucky; but now, my dear, if you can come +down from the clouds for a moment, I want to tell you about Lady Julia." + +"Who is she?" said Marian, bringing back her attention with an effort. + +"A tiresome woman," whispered Selina, with a sort of affectation of +confidence; "but the fact is, Lord Marchmont used to know her husband, +or his father, or his great grandfather, sometime in the dark ages, and +so be wants me to make much of her. She is one of the people that it is +real toil to make talk for; but by good fortune I remembered that I had +heard some legend about her once knowing my uncles, and so I thought +that a cross-examination of you about Gerald and Fern Torr would be a +famous way of filling up the evening." + +"O!" said Marian in a not very satisfied tone, "so she has a husband, +has she? I fancied from your note that she only consisted of herself," + +"She consists of a son and daughters," said Selina. + +"Her husband is dead, but the rest of the house you will presently see." + +"Eh?" said Lord Marchmont, coming out of the other room where he had +been writing, and greeting Marian. + +"You don't mean that you have invited that young Faulkner?" + +"You would, not have me leave out the only agreeable one of the +party--something to sweeten the infliction." + +Lord Marchmont smiled at the arch, bold, playful manner with which she +looked up in his face, as if to defy him to be displeased; but still he +was evidently vexed, and said, "It is hard upon Marian only to take her +from Elliot Lyddell's society to bring her into Mr. Faulkner's." + +"Indeed! but that is hard on Mr. Faulkner," said his wife. "As to worth, +I suppose he and Marian's cousin are pretty much on a par, but it is but +justice to say that he has considerably the advantage in externals." + +"It cannot be helped now," said Lord Marchmont; "but I wish I had told +you before, Selina. The esteem I had for that young man's father would +make me still more reluctant to cultivate him, considering his present +way of going on." + +"Well, one invitation to dinner is not such a very agricultural +proceeding, that you need waste such a quantity of virtuous +indignation," said Selina; "I daresay he will not grow _very_ much the +faster for it." + +The arrival of some of the party put a stop to the conversation, and +presently Lady Julia Faulkner, Mr. and Miss Faulkner, were announced. +The first was a fair, smooth, handsome matron, who looked as if she had +never been preyed upon by either thought or care; her daughter was a +well-dressed, fashionable young lady; and her son, so gentlemanlike +and sensible looking, as to justify Lady Marchmont in saying that in +externals he had the advantage of Elliot Lyddell. Marian sat next him at +dinner, and though she meant to dislike him, she could not succeed in +doing so; he talked with so much spirit and cleverness of the various +exhibitions and other things, which are chiefly useful as food for +conversation. Something too might be ascribed to the store of happiness +within her, which would not let her be ungracious or unwilling to let +herself be entertained, for on the whole, she had never been so well +amused at a dinner party. + +In the drawing-room the examination took place with which she had been +threatened, but she had grown hardened to such things with time, and +could endure them much better than she used to do. It was always the +custom for her to outstay the guests, so as to talk them over with her +cousins; and, on this occasion the first exclamation was, how very +agreeable and clever Mr. Faulkner was. + +"So much the worse," said Lord Marchmont gravely; "I think worse of him +than I did before, for I find he has taken up Germanism." + +Marian had some notion that Germanism meant that the foundations of his +faith were unsettled, and she looked extremely horrified, but she had +not time to dwell on the subject, for the carriage came to the door, +and she was glad to be alone to hug herself with delight. The gas lamps +looked as bright to her eyes as if there were an illumination specially +got up in honour of her happiness, and the drive to Mr. Lyddell's was +far too short to settle a quarter of what Agnes was to see and do. + +It was almost four years since she had parted with her, but the +correspondence had scarcely slackened, nor the earnestness of her +affection and confidence diminished. There was no one, excepting Edmund, +to whom she could look for counsel in the same manner, and the hope of +long conversations with Mrs. Wortley was almost as delightful as the +thought of seeing Agnes once more. + +She had begged them to call the first thing, and accordingly soon after +breakfast one fine Tuesday morning, a loud double-knock caused her heart +to leap into her mouth, or rather her throat, and almost choke her. Mrs. +Lyddell, Elliot, and Caroline were all present, and she wished them +forty miles off, when the announcement was the very thing she wished to +hear! + +There they were, Mrs. Wortley giving that fond, motherly kiss, Agnes +catching both hands, and kissing both cheeks, Mr. Wortley giving one +hearty squeeze to her hand! There they really were, she was by Mrs. +Wortley's side, their own familiar tones were in her ears! She hardly +dared to look up, for fear Agnes should be altered, but no, she could +not call her altered, though she was more formed, the features were less +childish, and there was more thought, though not less life and light +than of old, in the blue eyes. Indeed it came upon Marian by surprise, +that she had not known before that Agnes was uncommonly pretty as well +as loveable. She was surprised not to see her friend more shy, but able +to answer Elliot's civilities with readiness and ease; whereas she who +still felt stiff and awkward with a stranger, had supposed that such +must be doubly the case with one who had lived so much less in the +world. + +That day was to be devoted by the Wortleys to visits and business, but +they reckoned on having Marian to themselves all the next, and were to +call for her early on their way to some of the sights of London. Mrs. +Lyddell made them fix an early day for coming to dinner, and they took +their leave, Marian feeling as if the visit had not been everything that +she expected, and yet as if it was happiness even to know that the same +city contained herself and them. + +No sooner were they gone than the Lyddells began with one voice to +admire Agnes, even Elliot was very much struck with her, and positively +gained himself some degree of credit with Marian, by confirming her +opinion of her friend's beauty. It was delightful indeed that Agnes +should be something to be proud of; Marian would not have loved her one +whit the less if she had been a plain, awkward country girl, but it was +something to have her affection justified in their eyes, and to have no +fear of Agnes being celebrated only for her cricket. + +They called for Marian early the next morning, and now she received the +real greeting, corresponding to her parting, as Mrs. Wortley's second +daughter. Then began the inquiries for everything at Fern Torr, animate +or inanimate, broken into by Agnes's exclamations of surprise at +everything new and wonderful in the streets, a happy, but a most +desultory conversation. + +At last they got into a quiet street where Mr. and Mrs. Wortley went to +choose a carpet, and the two girls were left to sit in the carriage. + +"O Marian!" began Agnes, "so you have not quite lost your old self! I +am glad to see how it all is at least, for I have something tangible to +pity you for." + +"I wonder what it is," said Marian, too happy for pity at that moment. + +"O, my dear! that Mr. Elliot Lyddell!" + +"He is hardly ever in my way," said Marian. + +"And his sister! Her dress! What study it must have taken! In the +extreme of fashion." + +"Caroline's dress is not exactly what she would choose herself," said +Marian. + +"That must be only an excuse, Marian; for though you have a +well-turned-out look, it is not as if you were in a book of fashions." + +"I am not Mrs. Lyddell's daughter, and though I do expect a battle or +two when I come out, it will not be a matter of obedience with me, as it +is with Caroline." + +"Is it very painful obedience?" said Agnes laughingly; "well, you do +deserve credit for not being spoilt among such people." + +"In the first place, how do you know they are 'such people?' and next, +how do you know I am not spoilt?" + +"You must be the greatest hypocrite in the world, if you are spoilt, to +write me such letters, and sit so boldly looking me in the face. And as +to their being 'such people,' have not I seen them, have not I +heard them, and, above all, has not Mr. Arundel given me their full +description?" + +"But that was three years and a half ago," said Marian. + +"And have they changed since then?" asked Agnes. + +"I don't know." + +"O how glad I am to hear that!" cried Agnes. "Never mind them; but to +hear you say 'I don't know' in that old considering tone is proof enough +to me that you are my own old Marian, which is all I care for." + +"I don't--" began Marian; then stopping short and laughing, she added, +"I mean I was thinking whether it is really so. Can any person live four +years without changing? Especially at our age. What a little girl I was +then!" + +"Yes, to be sure, you have grown into a tall--yes, quite a tall woman, +and you have got your black hair into a very pretty broad braid, and you +wear a bracelet and carry a parasol, and don't let your veil stream down +your back; I don't see much more alteration. Your eyes are as black and +your face as white, and altogether you are quite as provoking as ever in +never telling one anything that one wishes to know." + +Marian gave a stiff smile, one which she had learnt in company, and +grew frightened at herself to find that she was treating Agnes, as she +treated the outer world. She did not know what to say; her love was +deep, strong and warm within, but it was too soon to "rend the silken +veil;" and this awkwardness, this consciousness of coldness was positive +suffering. She was relieved that the return of Mr. and Mrs. Wortley put +an end to the _tête-à-tête_, then shocked that it should be a relief; +for, poor girl, her extreme embarrassment overpowering the happiness +in her friend's presence, made her doubt whether it could be that her +affection was really departing, a thought too dreadful to be dwelt upon. + +Who would have told her that she should endure so much pain in her first +drive with the Wortleys? + +They went to call on Lady Marchmont that day, and, as Marian expected, +did not find her at home. Agnes renewed the old lamentation that Marian +could not live with her and thus avoid Mrs. Lyddell's finery and +fashion. "Now why do you laugh, Marian? you don't mean that Selina +Grenville can have turned into a fashionable lady? she was the simplest +creature in the world." + +"She is what she was then," said Marian; "but as to being fashionable--. +My dear Agnes, you don't understand." + +"We have not to reproach Marian for want of knowledge of the world now, +Agnes," said Mr. Wortley, smiling at his daughter's bewildered look. + +"Ah!" cried Marian, and there stopped, thinking how grievously she must +be altered, since this was the reproach that the Lyddells used so often +to make her. Some wonderful sight here engaged Agnes, and Marian's +exclamation fell unheeded. + +She spent a good many hours with the Wortleys while they were in London, +but usually in the midst of confusion and bustle: Mr. and Mrs. Wortley +were busy, and Agnes almost wild with the novelties around. Marian's +heart ached as she recollected a saying which she had read, that a +thread once broken can never be united again. Her greatest comfort was +in the prospect of a visit to Fern Torr; for Mrs. Lyddell willingly +consented to her accepting Mrs. Wortley's invitation to return with +them, and to stay even to the end of her brother's holidays, which he +was also to spend at _home_. She should know better there whether she +was really changed; she could take it all up again there, and now she +could afford to wait, and not feel the necessity of saying everything +that would not be said in so short a time. + +One thing was certain, she did not like to hear Agnes talk against the +Lyddells. She could have done it herself; nay, she did so sometimes when +with Lady Marchmont, but then that was only about "nonsense." She had +lived with them too long, had shared in too many of their conversations +and employments, was, in fact, too much one of the family, to like to +hear them condemned. She thought it very strange, and she could not tell +whether it was from having grown like them, or from a genuine dislike to +injustice; at any rate it was this which convinced her that she had come +to regard them in some degree as friends. + +She wished them to appear to as much advantage as possible, but this +they really seemed resolved not to do, at least not what was in her eyes +and those of the Wortleys, to advantage. Mrs. Lyddell _would_ have +a grand dinner party to do honour to her friends, and the choice of +company was not what she would have made. To make it worse, Elliot +sat next Agnes, Walter was not at home, and the conversation was upon +religious subjects, which had better not have been discussed at all in +such a party, and which were viewed by most present, in the wrong way. +All this, however, Marian could have endured, for she did not care +to defend Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell or Elliot, individually, only when +considered as forming part of "the Lyddells," but she really wished +Agnes to like Caroline and Clara. + +She did not know whether Agnes was not perverse about Caroline, whom she +continued to call a mere fashionable young lady, not being able to find +any other reproach than this vague one; but as to Clara, Marian herself +could have found it in her heart to beat her when she made sillier +speeches than usual in Agnes' hearing, and, above all, for having at +this time a violent fit of her affection for Marian herself, whom she +perseveringly called a dear girl, and followed about so closely as to be +always in the way. + +Marian would have been still more provoked with Clara, had Agnes not had +forbearance enough to abstain from telling her all that Clara had said, +when once, by some chance, left alone with her for ten minutes. After a +great deal about her extreme friendship for "dearest Marian," she said, +"Some people think her pretty,--do you, Miss Wortley?" + +"Not exactly pretty," said Agnes, "but hers is a fine face." + +"Ah! she has not colour enough to be pretty. She is much too pale, poor +dear, but some people say that is aristocratic. And she is like her +cousin, Lady Marchmont, the beauty. Do you know Lady Marchmont?" + +"I used to know her as a girl." + +"Ah! she is very handsome, and so much the fashion. It is such an +advantage for Marian to be there, and I hope she will slyly bring us +acquainted some of these days. But then all the Arundels are proud; +Marian has a good deal of pride in her own way, though she is a dear +girl!" + +"Marian!" exclaimed Agnes. + +"O yes! She is a dear girl, but every one in Wiltshire speaks of her +pride; all our friends do, I assure you. I always defend her, of course, +but every one remarks it." + +Agnes was wondering whether simply to disbelieve anything so +preposterous as that all Wiltshire should be remarking on poor Marian's +pride, or whether to explain it by her well-known shyness, when Clara +made another sudden transition. "Do you know Mr. Arundel?" + +"O yes." + +"Is not he a fine, distinguished looking man? We did admire him so when +he was here. I assure you we are all quite jealous of Marian. Miss +Morley says there can be but one _dénouement_." + +Here Marian came into the room, and Agnes proceeded to question within +herself which was most wonderful,--the extreme folly of Clara, or of the +governess. + +Another vexation to Marian was the behaviour of Lady Marchmont. She +herself was invited as often as usual to come to her cousin, but she +could not spare a minute from her dear friends, and only was surprised +and vexed that they were not included, and that Selina had not yet +called upon them. She knew that one of her parties consisted of persons +whom Mr. Wortley would have been particularly glad to meet, and she +watched most anxiously for a card for him; she even went so far, as in +her own note of refusal to give a very far distant hint, thinking that +Selina only required to be put in mind of his being in London. + +At last, only two days before they left town, Lady Marchmont left her +card for Mrs. Wortley, but without asking if she was at home; and +Marian, who was in the house at the time, felt the neglect most acutely. +Mrs. Wortley saw the bright glow of red spread all over the pale check, +and was heartily sorry on her account. Agnes broke out into exclamations +that there must be a mistake,--the servants must have misunderstood, +and she would have asked questions; but Marian said, in a voice of deep +feeling, "No, Agnes, it is no mistake. You understand me now when I say +Selina Marchmont is more of a fine lady than Mrs. Lyddell. But O, I +never thought she would have neglected you!" + +"Say no more, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "Lady Marchmont must have too +many engagements to attend to us dull country folks. Indeed, it gives me +no pain, my dear, except to see it grieve you. You know she has done her +duty by us." + +"Her duty by herself, she may think," said Marian, "in not doing what +would be called rude, but not her duty by you; you, to whom all who +ever--who ever loved _them_, owe so much." + +The tears glittered in Marian's eyes, and her cheek was flushed. + +"Marian, my dear, cool down a little," said Mrs. Wortley; "think how +long it is since Lady Marchmont knew us, and recollect that the--the +causes, which you think you have for caring for us, may not appear the +same to her. She only thinks of us as dimly remembered neighbours of +her cousin's, coming to London for a little while; she is full of +engagements, and has no time for us, and just follows the fashions of +other people." + +"That is it," said Marian. "How shall I ever wish her good-bye in +charity?" + +They were interrupted; and it was not till Marian was gone that Agnes +had the satisfaction of a full outbreak of indignation at all fine +ladies, and of triumph in the impossibility of their ever spoiling her +own dear Marian. + +Marian had to spend the evening with the Marchmonts, and she was more +constrained with them at first than she had ever been before. Yet it +was not easy to continue constrained with Selina, who was perfectly +unconscious that she had given any offence; and the feeling was quite +removed by half an hour's play with little Willy, who was now promoted +to be a drawing-room child for various short intervals of the day. He +was under a nursery governess, who let his mamma have a little more +property in him. + +Selina asked about the intended journey, and thus renewed Marian's +feeling of the wrongs of the Wortleys; but when Selina scolded her for +not coming oftener, supposed she had been very happy, and envied her for +going to dear old Fern Torr, Marian began to forgive, and did so quite +when she wished she could have seen them, and lamented that she had been +so much engaged. Three times she had gone out, fully meaning to call on +them, and have a good long chat, but each time something delayed her; +and the last, and fourth, she really was obliged to be at home early, +and could not possibly make a call. + +The charm of manner made all this appease Marian; but when the immediate +spell of Selina's grace and caressing ways was removed, she valued it +rightly, and thought, though with pain, of the expressive epithet, +"fudge!" Could not Selina have gone to her aunt's old friends if she +would? Had not Marian known her to take five times the trouble for her +own gratification? Marian gained a first glimpse of the selfishness of +refined exclusiveness, and doubted whether it had not been getting a +hold of herself, when she had learnt of Selina to despise and neglect +all that was unpleasing. + +O the joy of knowing that she should turn her back on the great wicked +world again, and measure herself by the old standard of home! And yet +she trembled, lest she should find that the world had touched her more +than she had thought. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + "Yes, friends may be kind, and vales may be green, + And brooks, may sparkle along between; + But it is not friendship's kindest look, + Nor loveliest vale, nor clearest brook, + That can tell the tale which is written for me + On each old face and well known tree." + + R. H. FROUDE. + + +It was a happy day for both Agnes Wortley and Marian Arundel when they +again entered Devonshire. Agnes seemed to feel her four weeks as serious +an absence as Marian did her four years, and was even more rapturous in +her exclamations at each object that showed her she was near home. + +They walked up the last and steepest hill, or rather bounded along the +well known side path, catching at the long trailing wreaths of the +dogrose, peeping over the gates which broke the high hedge, where +Marian, as she saw the moors, could only relieve her heart by +pronouncing to herself those words of Manzoni's Lucia, "_Vedo i miei +monti._" ("I see my own mountains.") She beheld the woods and the +chimneys of the Manor House, but she shrank from looking at it, and +gazed, as if she feared it was but a moment's vision, at the rough +cottages, the smoke curling among the trees, the red limestone quarry, +and the hills far away in the summer garb of golden furze. It was home, +her heart was full, and Agnes respected her silence. + +Down the hill, along the well-known paling, past the cottages, the dear +old faces smiling welcome; the Church, always the same, the green rail +of the Vicarage garden, the paint was the only thing new; the porch, +with roses hanging thicker over it than ever; Ranger, David Chapple, +Jane, the housemaid, all in ecstasy in their different ways. + +That first evening was spent in visiting every nook of the garden with +Agnes, and hearing the history of each little innovation; then, after a +slight interval of sleepiness, came those fond, cordial "good nights," +which dwell no where but at home. + +She woke to the reality of a Fern Torr Sunday, not to shake off with +disappointment and wearinesss, the dream of such a day. There was the +pinkthorne, dressed in all its garlands, before her window, the dew +lying heavy and silvery on the grass; the cart-horses enjoying their +holiday in the meadow, the mass of blossom in the orchard, the sky +above, all blueness, the air full of a delicious quietness, as if the +sunshine itself was repose, Marian leant out at her window, and wondered +if it was possible she should have been so long away, so familiar, so +natural did it all seem. + +The hurried breakfast, the walk to school, the school itself, how well +she knew it all, and within the school how old a world it was, and yet +how new! The benches, the books, the smiles, the curtsies, the very +nosegays, redolent of southernwood, were unchanged, but all the great +good girls of her day, the prime first class, where was it? Here was the +first class still, Agnes' pride; but, behold, these are the little ones +of her day, and the babies for whom she had made pink frocks and frilled +caps, now stared up in her face responsible beings, who could say more +than half the Catechism. Her own little pets of school-days were grown +out of knowledge into the uninteresting time of life, the "old age +of childhood," and looked as if they found it equally difficult to +recognize "little Miss" in a lady taller than Miss Wortley. Next +followed the walk to Church, full of meetings and greetings, admiration +of her growth, and inquiries after Sir Gerald. + +Yes, Marian did feel like the old self: her four years' absence was like +a dream that had passed away, and was nothing to her; she could think +only of home, home thoughts and home interests; the cares and the +teasings, the amusements and the turmoils of Oakworthy and London, were +as things far distant, which had never really concerned her, or +belonged to some different state of existence. She was at home, as she +continually said to herself; she felt as if she was in some way more in +the presence of her parents, as if their influence was sheltering her, +and shielding her from all external ill, as in the days of yore. Happy +they who can return after four years' trial as Marian did. + +She was preparing for Confirmation; for, to her great joy, she was in +time to form one of Mr. Wortley's own flock, He gave her half an hour +every other morning; and now it was that all the difficulties raised +in her mind in arguments with Caroline, doubts with right or wrong, or +questions why and wherefore, were either solved or smoothed down. Her +principles were strengthened, her views were cleared up; she learnt the +reasons of rules she had obeyed in ignorance, and perceived her own +failures and their causes. + +These were her graver hours. At other times she read, drew, and studied +German with Agnes, who gladly availed herself of the aid of one well +crammed by London masters, and who could not but allow, even to the +credit of her enemies, that they had made Marian very accomplished. + +There were long walks to every well-remembered hill and dell, with +further expeditions planned against the return of the boys, and numerous +visits to old friends at the cottages to present Marian's gifts, which +had fairly overpowered Saunders' powers of packing. Delightful walks, +how different from the parade on the chalk roads, over high hedges, +through gaps doubly fenced with thorns, scrambling, at the risk of +neck us well as of dress, over piles of fern and ivy-covered rocks, or +hopping across brooks on extemporised stepping-stones, usually in the +very thick of some _mauvais pas_, discussing some tremendous point of +metaphysics or languages and breaking off in it to scream at the beauty +of the view, or to pity a rent muslin. + +Marian and Agnes talked considerably now, and, allowing for the +difference in age, just as they used to do. Marian's fears of her own +coldness and doubts of her confidence in Agnes had all melted in her +native atmosphere, and were quite forgotten. She could speak of the +Lyddells now, though still she did not find fault with them, nor make +complaints; indeed, it was Agnes' abuse of them that made her first +discover that she had a regard for them. + +This prejudice, as she began to call it, seemed to her unaccountable, +since she had never written complainingly, until she found at last, +(which made her inclined to treat it with more respect,) that it +was founded on what Edmund had reported. He had come to Fern Torr +immediately after his visit to Oakworthy, very much out of spirits, and +had poured out his anxieties to his friends, talking of Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell with less caution than he had used with Marian, and lamenting +over the fate of his poor little cousins like something hopeless. Marian +thought of Gerald, and her heart failed her, then she hoped again, for +Gerald was coming home, and then she understood what Edmund had thought +of it all, and knew that it was perfectly consistent with his last +conversation with her. So she said that was four years ago, and that +Edmund was very kind. + + +The time of Gerald's arrival came. Charles and James Wortley preceded +him by about a fortnight, and all that Marian saw of them made her +rejoice in such companionship for him. Mr. Wortley drove her to meet him +at Exeter, and never was greeting more joyful. Lionel had sent her a +message that Oakworthy would be as dull as ditch water without her, +and if she did not come back before the end of the holidays, he should +certainly be obliged to go back to Eton again to find something to do. +Having delivered this message, Gerald made both his companions laugh by +gazing about as if surprised to find Exeter still in the same place, and +wondering at reading all the old names over the shops. + +Marian was delighted that he recognised all the torrs on the drive home, +and very proud of his height, his beauty, and his cordial, well-bred +gentlemanlike manners, which gave the Wortleys general satisfaction. + +The first thing he did was to go out and visit his old pony in the +paddock, patting it very affectionately, though he seemed much surprised +that it was so small. + +In the evening they went to the Manor House. Marian had spent many hours +there, sat in the empty rooms, wandered in the garden, and mused on past +days, or dwelt on them with Agnes, and she had looked forward with great +pleasure to having her brother there. + +She wished to have had him alone, but he asked Agnes and the boys to +come, and they all set out together up the rocky steps, Gerald far +before the rest, and when Marian came up to him he was standing on the +lawn, at the top of the steps, looking at the house. + +"I thought it was larger," exclaimed he. + +"But, Gerald, see how high the magnolia has grown, and how nice and +smooth old Lapthorn keeps the lawn. Does it not look as if we had gone +away only yesterday?" + +"Yes, and there is the little larburnum that we planted. How it is +grown! But how very small the house is." + +By this time the door had been opened by the old housekeeper, and +Marian, running up to her, exclaimed, "Here he is, Mrs. White! Come, +come, Gerald, come and speak to Mrs. White!" + +Gerald came, but with no readiness of manner. His "how d'ye do?" was +shy and cold, and not at all answerable to her eager, almost tearful, +"Pretty well, thank you, Sir. It is something to see you at home again, +Sir Gerald; so tall, and looking so well. 'Tis almost old times again, +to see you and Miss Marian." + +He stood silent, and Agnes spoke, "Yes, Mrs. White, is not he grown? It +does not seem to be so very long before we shall really have them here +for good." + +"Ah! Miss Wortley, that is what I have always wished to live for; I have +always said, let me only live to see Sir Gerald come back, and find +things in order as he left them, and then I would die contented." + +"No, no, live to keep his house many more years," said Marian. "It is +four years less now you know, Mrs. White; only eight more before we +shall be able to live here. For, I suppose you would like to have me +back too." + +"I don't know Miss Marian; you will he married long before that, such a +fine young lady as you are grown to be." + +Marian laughed and passed on into the house, sorry that Gerald had taken +no part in the conversation. They went into the drawing-room, that room +where he had wept so bitterly the day before his departure. Again his +observation was, "I thought this room was twice the size. And so low!" + +"You have been looking in at the large end of a telescope lately, +Gerald," said his sister with some sorrow in her tone, as she sat down +on one of the brown holland muffled sofas, and looked up at her father's +portrait, trying to find a likeness there to the face before her. There +was the same high brow, the same dark eyes, the same straight features, +the same bright open smile. Gerald was more like it, in some respects, +than he had been, but there was a haughty, impetuous expression now +and then on eye, brow, and lip, that found no parallel in the gentle +countenance which, to Marian's present feelings, seemed to be turned +towards him with an air of almost reproachful anxiety. + +Perhaps he saw some of the sadness of her expression, and; always +affectionate, wished to please her by manifesting a little more of the +feelings which really still existed. He came and stood by her, and +whispered a few caressing words, which almost compensated for the +vexation his carelessness had occasioned. He looked earnestly at the +picture for a few moments, then, turning away, suddenly exclaimed, "I +should like to see the old dressing-room." + +This was Lady Arundel's morning room, where many a lesson had been +repeated, many a game played, and where, perhaps, more childish +recollections centered than in any other part of the house. The brother +and sister went thither alone, and much enjoyed looking into every +well-known corner, and talking of the little events which had there +taken place. This lasted for nearly a quarter of an hour, when they +rejoined their companions to make the tour of the garden, &c. All was +pleasant here, Gerald recollected every nook, and was delighted to find +so much unchanged. + +"Let us just look into the stable yard," said he, as they were coming +away. It was locked, but a message to Mrs. White procured the key, and +they entered the neat deserted court, without one straw to make it look +inhabited, though the hutch where the rabbits had lived was still in its +place; and even in one corner the reversed flower-pot, which Gerald +well remembered to have brought there to mount upon, in order to make +investigations into a blackbird's nest, in the ivy on the wall. + +He now used the same flower-pot to enable him to peep in at the hazy +window of the stable, and still more lamentable was his exclamation, +"Can this be all! How very small!" + +"Nothing but low and little, you discontented boy," said Agnes. + +"Why, really, I could not believe it was on such a small scale," said +Gerald. "Marian, now is it possible there can be only six stalls here?" + +"Why, what would have been the use of more?" said Marian. + +"Ah! why to be sure, there was no one to ride much," said Gerald. "But +yet I can hardly imagine it! What could my father have done in his +younger days? Only six stalls! And no loose box. Well, people had +contracted notions in those days! And the yard so small! Why, the one at +Oakworthy would make four of it." + +"And you had really managed to persuade yourself that this was a grander +place than Oakworthy?" said Marian. + +Gerald made no answer; but after walking backwards till he had a +full view of the stable and surrounding regions, broke out into the +exclamation, "I see what is to be done! Take down that wall--let in +a piece of the kitchen garden--get it levelled--and then extend it a +little on the right side too. Yes, I see." + +"You are not talking of spoiling this place!" cried Agnes, in dismay. + +"Spoiling! only making it habitable," said Gerald. "How can a man live +here with a stable with six stalls, and nothing like a kennel?" + +The utter impossibility of such an existence was so strongly impressed +on the mind of the young baronet, that as soon as tea was over he +commenced a sketch of his future stables, adding various explanations +for the benefit of Charles and James. There was almost a daily quarrel +on the subject with Agnes, and much laughing on each side; but Marian, +afraid of making him more determined, took no part in it. + +Much might happen in eight years to make him change his mind, and this +stable in the clouds might be endured, if everything else had been fully +satisfactory. + +Very happy were the boys next morning, setting off to the woods to study +the localities of the game; very happy were they fishing and rabbit +shooting; very happy, galloping over the country by turns on the two +ponies; very happy were the whole party in pic-nic expeditions, and in +merry evening sports; but these could not take up every hour and every +minute; and Marian could not help observing, that while Charles and +James could always find some work on which to be employed in the +intervals, Gerald was idle and listless. There were hours in the morning +when they had their Latin and Greek to study, while Gerald was usually +loitering in the drawing-room. That he should voluntarily touch Latin +or Greek in the holidays was perhaps more than mortal could expect; +but that he should not read anything was disappointing. The vicarage +afforded no periodical novels, no slang tales of low life, no manuals +of sporting. The Waverley novels he had read long ago, and nothing of +a more solid description would he touch; so his mornings were chiefly +spent in drawing caricatures, and chattering to his sister and Agnes. He +was indeed very amusing, but this was not all that could be desired. Now +and then there were stories of feats which did not seem likely to be +those of the best and wisest set of boys; and his idea of the life of +a boy, if not of man, was plainly that it was to be spent in taking +pleasure and shirking work. Then he took in a sporting paper, and used +to entertain them with comments on the particulars of the races, and of +bets, which no one in the house understood but himself; but these were +never in the presence of either Mr. or Mrs. Wortley, where he was on his +guard. + +In these intervals of idleness, Marian tried to persuade him several +times to write to Edmund, who would be glad to have a report fresh from +home. He always said he would soon set about a letter, but the time +never came, though she more than once arranged pen, paper, and ink in +readiness for him. He had recently received a letter from his cousin, +but he had torn it up, and could not remember anything about the +contents. + +Something between bashfulness and pride produced conduct which could +not but appear like arrant haughtiness to the villagers, who had looked +forward eagerly to seeing their young landlord. If Marian tried to +bring him to speak to some poor old man, his answer was, "Give him this +half-crown, then, that will do just as well!" and he walked off out +of reach, while she remained to present the gift, and hear in answer, +"Thank you kindly, Miss; I should like to see the young gentleman +himself, but I daresay he does not like poor people." + +If this was the feeling where there was half-a-crown to sweeten the +neglect, what was it where such a propitiatory offering was out of the +question, and where the original connection had been closer, among the +old servants, the dependants and tenants? His lofty acknowledgment +of their bows,--his short, reluctant "Good morning," when forced to +speak,--and his willingness to escape from their presence, contrasted +ill with the cordial greetings with which his cousin Edmund had always +hailed each Fern Torr person as a friend. Indeed, "that nice young +gentleman, Master Edmund," began to be recollected with regrets, which, +had the Manor been a kingdom, might have amounted to treason towards the +young heir. + +Marian grieved at this behaviour, and would have attempted to argue +him out of it, but he gave her scarcely any opportunity of a serious +conversation; and Mr. Wortley gave him more than one hint, which, though +be took it with perfect courtesy, never mended matters. Yet with all +this, he was so agreeable, so good-natured and gentlemanlike, so +pleasant a guest, and so affectionate a brother, that Mr. and Mrs. +Wortley could not help liking him very much; and if they saw anything +amiss, they did not pain his sister by speaking of it. Her misgivings +were too vague and undetermined for her to be willing to consult +Mr. Wortley; if she thought at one time that she would, she grew so +frightened and reluctant whenever an occasion came, that she let it pass +by; and she was divided between blame to herself for doing nothing, when +a few words might be the rescue of her brother, and self-reproach for +doing him cruel injustice. + +Nay, she even defended him more than once, when Agnes was shocked. She +protected a shirt, illustrated by his own hand, in marking-ink, with +cricketers, which caused infinite scandal to the washerwomen of Fern +Torr. She defended slang words, which Agnes, from not understanding +them, fancied worse than they really were; and she never failed to say +he did not mean to be unkind, whenever he was neglectful of the poor +people. She was displeased with herself afterwards for speaking in +favour of these things, for she well knew them to be only parts of the +whole system which grieved her; but still she could not help it. + +These thoughts were suspended by the solemn time approaching. Her +confirmation-day came, and she stood among the maidens of her own home +and village, who had been baptized in the same font, and shared with her +the same instructions. Simultaneously with them she pronounced her vow; +and perhaps it was a repining thought which crossed her mind,--"Why am +I not like these, to remain in this peaceful nest, not sent forth to +be wearied and tried by that glittering world of unrest, which I thus +renounce?" + +She knelt to receive the blessing, which brought with it the trust that +the peace of that moment might dwell with her, refresh her, and shield +her "as oft as sin and sorrow tire." And when her eye fell on her +brother, it was with more hope, for now she could better pray for him. +Whatever might happen, it could never hurt the memory of that awful +yet soothing hour, nor of that first Communion when she knelt near her +parents' graves between Mrs. Wortley and Agnes; the whole air filled +with the prayers of those on earth and in heaven who loved her best; nor +of her walk in the garden afterwards with Mr. Wortley, when he plainly +spoke to her of her life as one of peculiar trial and temptation, and +warned her how to be in the world, and yet not of the world. + +The nest event of the visit to Fern Torr was Saunders' wedding. Saunders +did not love Oakworthy, still less Mrs. Lyddell, and least of all Mrs. +Price, the ladies' maid; and when she found herself at Fern Torr again, +and heard Mr. David Chapple renew his tender speeches, the return +thither became more and more difficult; and one day, while plaiting her +young lady's hair, she communicated to her with a great gush of tears, +that, though she could not bear to think of leaving her, and would not +on any account cause her any inconvenience, she began to think it was +time to think about her marriage. + +It was a stroke to Marian to hear of losing any old familiar face, and +her look of dismay was a great satisfaction to Saunders; but she could +bear it better than she could once have done, and there were reasons +which made a change not so very much to be regretted even by her. +The quarrels between Saunders and the rest of the household were not +agreeable, and what she now felt to be a serious evil, was that habit of +complaining to her, and telling her stories against the family, of which +Edmund had warned her long ago. She had tried to discourage it, but, +once begun, it had never been entirely discontinued; and Marian felt it +to be wrong in every way. + +She made up her mind, therefore, with greater philosophy than could have +been expected, to the loss of Saunders; and was further consoled by +finding it gave hey an opportunity of promoting a nice young Fern Torr +damsel, too delicate for hard work, who had been taught dressmaking, and +whom Saunders undertook to instruct in the mysteries of the hair, quite +sufficiently to carry her on till they went to London, and she could +take lessons from some grand frizeur. + +Mrs. Lyndell was written to, and gave her consent to the hiring of +Fanny, and Marian and Agnes were so delighted at the opening thus made +for her, that Saunders would have been jealous if she had not been too +happily engaged in her own preparations. + +As to Gerald he made a dreadful face when he first heard of Saunders' +intentions; but as her going made no difference to his comfort, he soon +became resigned. David was an old acquaintance, whom he liked because +he belonged to the genus groom; so he made no objection to his sister's +attending the wedding. He presented the bride with a tea-set, splendid +with gilding, and surprised every one by walking into Mr. Wortley's +kitchen in the midst of the bridal entertainment, and proposing the +health of the happy pair. + +Marian was to return under Gerald's escort, at the end of the holidays. +He was to go on to Eton, leaving her at the railway station, where she +was to be met by the Lyddells' carriage. The last letter arrived, +in which arrangements respecting time and train were to be finally +confirmed. It was, as usual, from Caroline; and as she opened it, Marian +gave a sudden start. + +"Eh?" said Gerald, "whose mare's dead? Not Elliot's Queen Pomare, I +hope!" + +"No, but Miss Morley is going." + +"O!" cried Gerald, "I hope she has been reading some more letters." + +"Not quite," said Marian smiling. + +"Well, but is it directly? I suppose you did not think she was to stay +there for life? Has she been in any mischief, that you look so shocked?" + +Marian really could not help discovering that she was not without +tenderness of feeling for Miss Morley, and did not like to proclaim, in +Caroline's strong and rather satirical language, across the breakfast +table, that Mrs. Lyddell had discovered by accident that she and her +pupil were in the habit of amusing themselves with novels which were +far better unread. After reading quickly to the end of the letter, she +answered, "O, she has been reading books with Clara that Mrs. Lyddell +did not approve." + +"A triumph! a triumph!" cried Agnes. "Now Marian will never attempt to +defend Miss Morley again." + +"What, not the poor unfortunate faithful? How can you think me so base?" +returned Marian. "Besides, poor thing, she really is very kind-hearted, +and has very little harm in her. I dare say it was more Clara's fault +than hers," + +"Well done, Marian, striking right and left!" observed James Wortley. + +"How long has Miss Morley been at Oakworthy?" asked Mrs. Wortley. + +"She came about a year before we did," replied Marian. + +"Her predecessor, Miss Cameron, must have been a very different person; +Caroline and Walter always speak of her with such respect." + +"Poor unfortunate!" broke out Gerald. "Well, if it had not been for +Marian's letters, I should not have hated her so much. When one was +making a row, she never did anything worse than say, 'Now Sir Gerald!'" +which he gave with her peculiarly unauthoritative, piteous, imploring +drawl. + +"There was something in that title of 'poor unfortunate,' peculiarly +appropriate," said Marian, laughing, "as I am afraid that it is now, +poor thing. She is to leave Oakworthy immediately, and I do not know +that she has any relation but an old aunt." + +Mr. and Mrs. Wortley agreed with Marian that it was a melancholy case, +but the others were too triumphant to be compassionate; and Gerald +amused Agnes half the morning with ludicrous stories of her +inefficiency. + +Marian was thoughtful all day; and at last, when sitting alone with Mrs. +Wortley and Agnes, exclaimed, "Poor Miss Morley! I really am very sorry +for her; I did not know I liked her so well." + +"Absence is the great charm with Marian," said Agnes, laughing; "we +learn now what makes her so affectionate to us." + +"No, but really, Agnes, when one has been living in constant intercourse +for four years, and often receiving kindness from a person, is it +possible to hear of her being sent away in disgrace and poverty without +caring about it?" + +"O yes; I know; after having lived in the same house with a kitchen +poker for four years, you get so attached to it that it gives you a pang +to part with it. No, but the comparison is no compliment to the poker; +that is firm enough, at any rate,--a down cushion would be better." + +"An attachment to a down cushion is nothing to be ashamed of, Agnes," +said her mother. + +"And Miss Morley did deserve some attachment, indeed," said Marian. "She +was so ready to oblige, and she really did many and many a kind thing by +the servants; and I believe she quite denied herself, for the sake of +her old aunt. She was not fit for a governess, to be sure; but that was +more her misfortune than her fault, poor thing." + +"How do you make that out?" said Agnes. + +"Why, she was obliged to got her own living; and what other way had +she? She was educated for it, and had everything but the art of gaining +authority." + +"And high principle," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"But," said Marian, growing eager in her defence, "she really did know +right from wrong. She would remonstrate, and tell us things that were +every word good and true, only she did it with so little force, that +they were apt not to mind her; and then it was no wonder that she grew +dispirited, and sunk into poor unfortunate." + +"Yes," said Agnes, "I can understand it all; she was in a situation that +she was not fit for, and failed." + +"She would have been very different in another situation, most +probably," said Mrs. Wortley, "where she and the children were not so +much left to each other's mercy." + +"Yes; Mrs. Lyddell never mended matters," said Marian. "She did not back +up or strengthen her, but only frightened her, till she was quite as +ready to conceal what was amiss as her pupils. And that intimacy with +Clara was a very unlucky thing; it drew her down without drawing Clara +up." + +"I suppose that was the origin of the catastrophe," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"I should think so; they have been more alone together lately, for I am +sure this could never have happened when Caroline was in the schoolroom. +And her making a friend of Clara was no wonder, so forlorn and solitary +as she must have been." And Marian sighed with fellow-feeling for her. + +"An intimate, not a friend," said Mrs. Wortley. + +"And I could better fancy making a friend of Miss Lyddell," said Agnes. +"I can't say my tête-à-tête with Miss Clara made me desire much more of +her confidence." + +"Clara is more caressing," said Marian. "I think I am most fond of her, +though Caroline is--O! quite another thing. But what I wanted was to ask +you, Mrs. Wortley, if you thought I might write to poor Miss Morley, and +ask if there is anything I can do for her. I can't bear to think of her +going away without wishing her good-bye, or showing any feeling for her +in her distress." + +"How very right and kind of you, Marian," exclaimed Agnes, "after all +her injustice--" + +"I do not think it would be advisable, my dear," said Mrs. Wortley; "it +would seem like putting yourself in opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +might be pledging yourself, in a manner, to recommend her, which, with +your opinion of her, you could not well do." + +"O, no, no, except in some particular case. Yes, I suppose you are +right; but I don't feel happy to take no notice." + +"Perhaps something may occur on your return, when you understand the +matter more fully; or, at any rate, if you are writing to Oakworthy, you +might send some message of farewell, kind remembrances, or love." + +"Those are so unmeaning and conventional that I hate them," said Marian. + +"Yes, but their want of meaning is their advantage here. They are merely +kindly expressions of good will." + +"And they will mean more from you," added Agnes, "as you never have the +civility to use them on ordinary occasions." + +"Well, I will take your advice," said Marian, "and thank you, Mrs. +Wortley; I only wish--" + +The wish ended in a sigh, as Marian sat down to commence--"My dear +Caroline." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + "But we are women when boys are but boys; + Heav'n gives us grace to ripen and grow wise, + Some six years earlier. I thank heav'n for it: + We grow upon the sunny side of the wall." + + TAYLOR. + + +It certainly was quite involuntary on Agnes Wortley's part, but when +the time came for returning to Oakworthy, Marian was conscious of more +kindly and affectionate feelings towards it and its inhabitants than she +had ever expected to entertain for them. She did not love Fern Torr or +the Wortleys less; she had resumed her confidence and sympathy with +Agnes, and felt the value of Mrs. Wortley more than ever; and it quite +made her heart ache to think how long it would be before she saw another +purple hill or dancing streamlet, and that she should not be there to +see her dear old myrtle's full pride of blossom. But, on the other hand, +her room at Oakworthy, with its treasures, was a sort of home; and she +looked forward to it gladly, when once she was out of sight of the +moors. + +The train had stopped and gone on again from the last station before +that where they were to leave it for Oakworthy, when Gerald, coming +across to the seat by her side, said, "Marian, I say, can you lend me a +couple of pounds?" + +"Why, Gerald, what can you want with them?" + +"Never mind; only be a good girl, and let me have them." + +"You had plenty of money when you came to Fern Torr. How could you have +got rid of it all?" + +"Come, come, Marian, don't be tiresome. Haven't I had to give to all the +old women in the place?" + +"But do you really mean that you have no money?" + +"O yes, I have some, but not what I want. Come, I know you keep +California in your pocket. What harm can it do you?" + +After all Marian's presents at Fern Torr, it was not quite as +convenient, as Gerald fancied, to part with two pounds; but that was not +the best motive to put forward, nor was it her reason for hesitating. + +"I don't know whether it is right; that is the thing, Gerald." + +"Right! why where is the right or wrong in it?" + +"I am afraid it may do you harm," said she, in a trembling, doubtful +voice. + +"Stuff! I'll take care of that!" + +"If you would only tell me what you want it for?" + +"I tell you, Marian, I can't do without it; I don't know what I shall +do, if you won't give it to me." + +"Debts! O Gerald, you have not got into debt?" + +"Well, and what do you look so scared about? Do you think they will kill +me?" + +"O, Gerald, Gerald, this proves it all." + +"It? what?" said Gerald. "Come, don't be so like a girl! I have not been +doing any thing wrong, I tell you, and it is all your fault if I can't +get clear." + +"With such an allowance as you have, O Gerald, how could you? And how +could you throw about money at home, when you knew you were in debt?" + +"You talk as if I had been ruining my wife and ten small children," +cried Gerald, impatiently. "A fine fuss about making a few pounds stand +over till next half. But you women go headlong at it, never see the +rights of a thing. So, you won't? Well, it is your doing now!" + +"I can't see any end to it," said Marian, reflectingly. "If I thought +you would make a resolution--but you will be without money at all, and +how are you to get through this half? O, Gerald! better write to Mr. +Lyddell at once, and he will set you straight, and you can begin fresh." + +Gerald made a face of utter contempt. The steam whistle was heard; they +were stopping. "There is an end of it, then" said he, angrily. "I did +not think you had been so ill-natured; it is all your fault, I tell you. +I thought you cared for me." + +This was dreadful; Marian's purse was in her hand, and she began "O +Gerald dear, anything but that!"--when they found themselves close in +front of the station, and Lionel pulling at the door of their carriage, +and calling fiercely to the porter to unlock them. + +Caroline was standing on the platform, and there was a tumult of +greetings and inquiries for luggage to be taken out and put in. Gerald +ran to see that his goods were separated from his sister's; Lionel shook +hands with Marian, and scolded her for staying away all the holidays; +roared to the porter that his portmanteau was for Slough, then turned +again to say, "You've heard of poor unfortunate, Marian?" + +The bell rang; Gerald ran back; Marian knew she was weak, but could +not help it,--she squeezed the two sovereigns into his hand, and was +comforted for the moment by his affectionate farewell. Lionel and he +threw themselves into their carriage, and were whisked off. + +"There!" said Caroline. "Now come along. O, I am so glad you are come; I +have so much to say." + +Marian could not dwell on Gerald; she put her arm within Caroline's, +looked back to see Fanny safe under the care of an Oakworthy footman, +and soon was in the carriage. + +"Well, Caroline; and how is every one?" + +"Pretty well, considering the revulsion of ideas we have all undergone. +Poor Miss Morley left plenty of farewells for you. You can't think haw +pleased she was with your message." + +"Poor thing! Where is she?" + +"At her aunt's; she went on Monday. Mamma was impatient to have it over. +You know her ways." + +Marian knew that this intimated that Caroline thought her mother had +not been kind; and she doubted whether to continue her inquiries; +but Caroline was too eager to tell, to wait for questions, and +proceeded:--"There had been dissatisfaction for a long time, as I +believe you may have guessed; mamma thought Clara backward, and wanting +in what Miss Morley calls 'the solid;' and at last, coming suddenly into +the schoolroom at twelve o'clock one fine day, she found reason good, +for they were very comfortably reading M. Eugene Sue." + +"O, Caroline, impossible!" + +"Too possible," said Caroline, "though I would not believe it at first. +However, they did not know what it was when they began, and were +afterwards too much bewitched with the story to leave off; and as they +felt it was wrong, they read it the more constantly to get it over +faster." + +"But how in the world could they get such a book?" + +"From the circulating library. It appears that they found the evenings +rather dull in London this spring, when we were all out, and so began a +little secret hiring, which was continued at Oakworthy, and with a worse +choice of books." + +"That she should be so little to be trusted!" + +"Nay, Marian, who could live with her half-an-hour in the schoolroom, +and think she could?" + +"Certainly, she often puzzled me when first I came." + +"And you never saw the worst. You always kept order, after you came." + +"O, Caroline, what nonsense!" + +"Yes, indeed you did. I do assure you that, scores of times, the +knowledge that your great eyes were wondering at me has kept me from +bullying Miss Morley into letting me do what I knew to be wrong. I could +persuade her and deceive myself, but I could not persuade you; and then +all the rest went for nothing, because you were sure to be right." + +"It is very easy to see the right for other people," said Marian, with +rather a sad smile. + +"Yes, only other people don't mind that, unless you do the right +for yourself; and that is the thing in you, Marian. If you had said +anything, I should not have minded it half so much; but your 'I don't +know,' cut me home." + +"I am sorry--" + +"No, don't be sorry, for I am glad. If you had not come before all the +good of Miss Cameron had gone off from me, what should I have been? O, +Marian, I am very glad you are come back; I did not know I liked you +half so well till you were gone." + +"I am sure I might say the same" almost whispered Marian, in a choked +tone, under her bonnet. Caroline caught it up eagerly, and seizing her +by both hands, exclaimed, stooping forward to peep at her face, "Marian, +Marian, do you say so? And are you really not so very miserable at +coming back to us?" + +A tear, one of Marian's very reluctant tears, actually rushed from her +eye, and with a hard struggle to speak, she said, "Miserable! how can +you say so? You are so very kind to me." + +"And do you not hate us?" said Caroline, with, an arch look of delight, +then softened into something of mournfulness. "Nay, I did not mean that; +but you can bear to be with us after your own Agnes,--after those good +people,--after such a home as Fern Torr?" + +"O, Caroline, this is very unlike my first coming to you!" + +"Yes, I know we were not kind; we were not as we ought to have been to +you." + +"No, no, no; I was stiff and disagreeable; I would not be pleased," said +Marian, forgetting all coldness but her own. + +"No wonder. O, Marian," and Caroline's voice trembled, "no one knows +better than I do how much there is to be lamented in our ways of going +on,--how different our house is from Fern Torr." Marian could not say +no. "You were too good for us; you are still, I would not see you like +us; but if we could make you comfortable enough to think Oakworthy not +an exile, but something like a home, how glad I should be!" + +Marian laid her hand on Caroline's arm; and, with an effort that cost +her a spasm in her throat, she said, "You have!" Not another word could +she get out; but this was enough. Caroline kissed her for the first time +in her life, except at the formal partings at bed-time, and there were +tears on both their faces. After a time, Caroline broke into the flood +of thoughts in her cousin's mind, by saying, playfully, "When folks are +missed, then they are mourned, people say; and I am sure you deserve the +compliment, for till you were gone, I never knew your value. How many +silly fancies of Clara's have flourished, for want of your indifference +to put them down! How stupid it has been not to have you to read with, +or talk to! How lonely the drawing-room has been, and nothing but +nonsense if I went to the schoolroom. And then the boys,--Lionel has +been so unruly there was no bearing it, and grumbling for you every day; +and Johnny,--O, Marian, do you know it is settled that Johnny goes to +sea, after all?" + +"Johnny! I know he wished it, but I thought Mrs. Lyddell never would +make up her mind to it." + +"Ah! there have been storms in the higher quarters," said Caroline, with +would-be gaiety. "You are very lucky to have been away all this time, +for it has been by no means a serene sky. You know," she proceeded with +gravity, "they say the times are bad; well, in the midst of papa's +vexation at the tenants asking for a reduction of rent, in came a whole +lot of Elliot's long bills, which made papa lecture Walter and me one +whole evening on economy, and caused him to be extremely annoyed with +everything and everybody, and to say mamma must give up her opposition +to Johnny's being a sailor; and I never saw mamma take anything so +really to heart. It has been very uncomfortable; and in the midst came +this business of poor Miss Morley, who had rather harder measure in +consequence." + +"Poor little woman! Well, she was very good-natured," said Marian, glad +to turn the conversation from this account of family matters, not given +in the pleasantest style, but rather as if Caroline was trying to +conceal her real feelings by an air of satire. + +"She was like a child in authority. You see, we, who know her well, +never think of blaming her as if she had originated the mischief; while +mamma, who never did know her, cannot be persuaded that she simply +yielded to Clara." + +"That is not exactly the object one desires in a governess," said +Marian. "Well, poor thing! and how is Clara? is she very sorry?" + +"I really can hardly tell. I have been vexed with Clara myself, to tell +you the truth; for I thought she acted shabbily. The blame passed over +her, and lighted on Miss Morley; and she did not stretch out a hand to +help her. Now Clara knew that it was wrong to read those books, just as +well as you or I; indeed, it was all her doing; and I could not bear +to see, her thinking herself innocent, and led into the scrape by Miss +Morley. She did cry excessively, and was very unhappy when she found +Miss Morley was really going, and the parting was heart-rending; but +then the very next day, in spite of their confidential friendship, she +began to disclose the poor woman's follies one after another, till I am +quite tired of hearing of them. They must have grown much worse than +they were in our time. I never knew then that she was always fancying +people were in love with her." + +"T wonder what she will do!" + +"She would not be a bad governess where the mother looked after the +children. Well, I hope she will soon get another situation, poor thing!" + +"Yes, indeed, for I am afraid she never saved anything." + +"O, no, she frittered all her money away, and always was poor at +quarter-day; and she has only that old aunt to take care of her." + +"Poor thing, poor thing! If she would but have been firmer. And is Clara +to have another governess?" + +"No, mamma thinks her too old; but I am sure I hope she is to develope +more. I do not think you or I were like her at fifteen." + +"I think," said Marian, meditatively, "that Miss Morley and Clara helped +what--was not wise in each other." + +"Yes, that is my hope,--that when Clara is out of her influence, she may +grow wiser. People's minds do grow at different times, you know. Poor +little Clara! I want Walter to talk to her, but it is hard to bring +about; for they seem to have no common subject. Ours is a very odd +household; we all go our own ways in our own worlds. Papa and mamma each +have their way; and Elliot his way. Walter stands alone too; then I am a +sort of connecting-link between the schoolroom set and mamma,--yes, and +with Walter too: while the three boys are a party by themselves. O, +Marian, no wonder you did not like us." + +"Say no more of that, pray, Caroline." + +She made no answer, but after a pause, suddenly exclaimed, "Nothing +would matter, if it was not for Elliot. He is the root of all that has +gone wrong." + +"Is he at home?" + +"No; he went last week, and the storm lulled then. O, Marian, I am weary +of it all! But it is one comfort that you are come." + +Caroline certainly looked very much harassed, and her words showed that +every one had been out of temper, and she had been obliged to bear it +all. Marian was very sorry, and felt quite fond of her, as she answered, +with a kind tone, "Thank you." + +"Walter has been the only comfort; but then he has been very unhappy +too. I am afraid he knows more and worse of Elliot than he chooses to +tell me. And then he is so busy,--going up for his degree, you know, +after the vacation, and so nervous about it, that I have not liked to +talk to him about anything tiresome, because, poor fellow, he is +quite worried enough already. Well, but now tell me about pleasanter +things--your pretty Agnes, how is she? and Gerald?--I wanted to have +seen more of him. Was not he in glory?" + +"O, yes," said Marian, as a pang shot through her at this recall of her +anxieties. + +"And tell me the whole story of Saunders' wedding." + +The two cousins had so much to say, that the long reaches of white chalk +road and the bare downs had hardly time to pain Marian's eye; and she +was surprised so soon to find herself in the well-known street of +Oakworthy. + +It was not a hopeful prospect with which to return, after so happy a +summer as she had spent; and yet a degree of trouble gave Marian a +kindlier feeling towards the Lyddells. If it had not been for Gerald, +she would have arrived at Oakworthy in a bright temper. Even now the +discontent had been expelled by the dispositions fostered by Mr. +Wortley; and if there was a weight on her, it was not a burthen of +selfish repining,--the worst burthen of all. That Caroline had really +missed her,--that Caroline loved her,--was a discovery that warmed +her heart, and inclined her more than all before to look kindly on +Oakworthy, when she drove up to the door, and met Clara in the hall. + +Clara hung upon her, and overwhelmed her with kisses; Mrs. Lyddell +received her just as she had done before; and Walter shook hands +cordially, as if he was very glad to see her again. The talk went on +about visits and engagements, and each moment made Marian feel that her +Sunday world had passed from her, and her workday world begun again. + +Clara came to her room with her, partly to see her new maid, and partly +to talk with her about Miss Morley; but Marian, not wishing to have +Fanny immediately astonished by her random way of talking, gave a sort +of stern look and sign, which silenced poor Clara on that subject. There +were plenty more, however, and she talked on fast; indeed, Marian had +not two minutes alone that whole evening, till, somewhere towards +half-past eleven, her cousins bade her a final good-night. + +She had time at last to think over that parting with Gerald, which had +hung heavily on her all this time, without her being able to enter upon +the subject with herself. What did it mean? Was it so very bad a sign? +Did it really confirm all her fears? or was it not possible that he +might have got into some chance difficulty? Might he not be careless and +extravagant, without being seriously in fault? Yes; but this was but of +a piece with other things which she had observed. Alone, it might not +have been so alarming; but even apart from this, she could not be quite +happy about him, after all she had observed. And had she been weak? had +she done what was bad for him? O, for some one to consult!--some one +under whose charge to put him! Was it her own fault that she had missed +the opportunity with Mr. Wortley! + +To pray for him was all that could be done, and it in some degree +stilled that aching feeling in her heart. Yet, whenever she woke in the +night, she seemed to hear Caroline saying, "If it was not for Elliot!" +with a foreboding that "If it was not for Gerald!" might be on her +tongue in the same manner, for the rest of her life. + +Every time Gerald's name was mentioned, there was a pang; every time +she thought of him in solitude, the fear and anxiety gained strength. +Consciousness of ignorance added to its poignancy; and young as she was, +it would be hard to describe how much suffering she underwent in secret, +night after night, as she lay awake, in her perplexed musings on that +one absorbing thought. Yet they were like those vague nightly terrors +of wolves, darkness, or mysterious horrors, from which little children +often suffer so much, without revealing them, and entirely shake off by +day; for Marian awoke in the morning to cheerfulness and activity, with +spirits undepressed, full of interest in things around; and only when +reminded of her fears, secretly wincing at the sudden throb of pain. + +Marian's days were more at her own disposal than formerly. She might do +as she pleased all the morning,--sit in her own room, and choose her own +occupation; and she was just beginning to think over two or three bright +plans of usefulness. She would make a series of copies, from prints, of +Scripture subjects, for the Fern Torr children; she would translate some +stories for them, and she had devised many other things to be done; when +Caroline one day said to her, "Marian, I don't know if it is asking a +great deal, but if you could sit with us sometimes in the morning, it +would be a great gain. Mamma wants me to read with Clara. Now, you know +I have no authority; and doing it for a lesson, as if it was for Clara's +good, will only make her hate it, and pay no attention at all. But if we +read together, as if it was for our own benefit, she will join in, and +think it a womanly thing." + +Marian smiled at the ingenuity of the scheme, such as she would have +been a great deal too awkward, as well as too straightforward ever to +devise. It was a case where "no" could not have been said, but there +were many ways of acting a no; and Marian was so sorry to give up the +Scripture drawings, the idea of which had greatly delighted her when +proposed by Agnes, that she had it in her heart to have backed out of it +as often as she could. A little thought, however, convinced her, that to +help Caroline's plans for her sister's good was the foremost duty, that +to avoid it would be positive wrong and unkindness; so she resolved +to lend herself to it with all her might, even though Agnes might be +disappointed. + +And pray, why should Agnes be disappointed? Why were the drawing and +reading incompatible? Marian had taught herself to think it impossible +to do anything for Fern Torr, in public, for fear of being laughed at, +or observed upon; and these drawings, which were of sacred subjects, and +further involved some alterations of her own, would, she thought, be +worse than any. She mused a long time whether this was right feeling or +foolish bashfulness, and decided at last that it was a little of the +former trying to justify a great deal of the latter, and that Caroline +and Clara were not the same thing as Miss Morley and all the boys; so +with an effort, which, considering the occasion, was almost absurd in +its magnitude, she brought her portfolio down, began to draw, and did +not experience anything unpleasant in consequence. It was one of her +first practical lessons in the fancifulness of her shyness. Her cousins +took interest in what she was about, admired, and helped her to hunt +up subjects to make her series complete; indeed the three girls were +exceedingly comfortable together, and a pleasant, mutual good-feeling +constantly grew between them. Clara was certainly becoming less childish +and silly when no longer nominally under the authority of Miss Morley, +and the confidante of all her follies, but the companion of two sensible +girls, young and bright enough to enter into all the liveliness about +her that was not silliness and a great deal that was, and to drive away +some of her nonsense by laughing at it. + +The mornings were thus pleasant and satisfactory, the afternoons were +less certain to be agreeable. If there was a ride, it was delightful, +if a walk, it was all very well; but there was a third contingency, to +which Marian had become liable, of being carried forth with her green +card-case on a morning visiting expedition by Mrs. Lyddell, and this was +one which required all her powers of resignation, though the misfortune +was much more imaginary than real. + +There were three chances of the way of spending the evening too. The +first, the family party alone, this was pretty well, and though not +charming, was by far the best; Mrs. Lyddell's talk was agreeable, and to +sit with Caroline, and perhaps with the addition of Walter, at the small +table, working, reading, and talking, was as quiet and comfortable a way +of passing the time as might be. A dinner party at home was next best, +for she had her own quiet corners of conversation, and Walter would +sometimes come and take shelter there too, and get into a talk, as well +as if the room were empty of company, sometimes better, because his +mother could not hear him, and he was never so backward in telling his +real mind, as in her hearing. Worst of all was a party from home, where +she knew few persons, and disliked all she knew. + +Unhappily, this was generally her feeling towards all the neighbourhood; +and though it may seem to be a strong expression, it is scarcely too +much to say that in Marian's habitual frame she looked on every one that +could be considered as company in the light of natural enemies, leagued +to prevent her walks and rides, to tease her, and to spoil her evenings. + +This was partly the result of her constitutional shyness, but it would +have gone off, by this time, if she had not fostered it by imbibing Lady +Marchmont's exclusiveness. Marian would have been shocked to realize how +she despised and scorned her acquaintance--why? the answer would have +been hard to find--because they were company--because they were the +world--because they were Mrs. Lyddell's society--because she was +superior? How or why? She disdained them all, without knowing it, and +far less knowing why. She complied scrupulously with every rule of +formal politeness, and had become a tolerable mistress, by rote, of such +common-place small talk as served to fulfil her part, and make her not +feel herself absurd, but this was all; she would not let herself be +pleased or amused, she would not open her eyes to anything good or +agreeable about the people, except a very few favoured ones, chiefly +clergymen or their wives. + +It was very wrong, it was Marian's one great fault at this period of her +life, and it had the effect of making her almost disliked. Clara had +scarcely said too much in telling Agnes that her pride was often +remarked, for Mrs. Lyddell's neighbours were just the people to fancy +pride where it was not, especially where the rank was superior to their +own. Tall, handsome, and outwardly self-possessed, Miss Arundel did not +gain credit, from superficial observers, for shyness, and was looked +upon as a very haughty ungracious girl, while it was whispered that Mrs. +Lyddell had had a great deal of trouble with her. + +The autumn passed on in this manner, and towards its close, Elliot +returned from shooting in Scotland, and announced that his friend, Mr. +Faulkner, was coming to Oakworthy, to look at an estate, which was for +sale in the neighbourhood. + +Mrs. Lyddell was pleased, and questioned her son about Mr. Faulkner's +thousands a-year; then turning to Marian, said, + +"Surely, Marian, you know him; I heard of your meeting him and Lady +Julia at Lady Marchmont's." + +"Yes," said Marian, with her face of rigidity. + +"Ah! yes, to be sure, he told me so," said Elliot. + +"Any one but Marian would be impatient to know what he said of her," +said Caroline. + +"Do you want to know yourself, Caroline?" said Elliot; "shall I tell +you?" + +"Yes, do," said Caroline, in her curiosity, forgetting that Marian might +be pained. + +"Ah! you ought to be warned if you want to set your cap at him, for +she has forestalled you. Let me see, what was it he said? O, that Lady +Marchmont would scarcely be alone in her glory long, for, for such as +liked the style of thing, her cousin was as perfect a piece of carving +in white marble as he ever had seen." + +White marble was certainly not the comparison for Marian's cheeks at +that moment; it was pain and horror to her even to hear that she had +been spoken of between Elliot and Mr. Faulkner, and to be told it in +this manner, in public, was perfectly dreadful. She could neither sink +under the table nor run away, so with crimson face and neck, she kept +her post on the sofa, and every one saw she was intensely annoyed. +Elliot, who had told it in a mischief-making spirit, fancying he should +make his sister jealous, walked away, amusing himself with the notion +that he had sown the dragon's teeth; Caroline was very sorry to have +caused such painful blushes, yet was proud to hear of Marian's being +admired; and Mrs. Lyddell said not a word, but worked on with a jerk at +her thread, trying to persuade herself that she was not vexed that, as +Elliot said, her daughter had been forestalled. + +Marian did not recover herself sufficiently to say one word about Mr. +Faulkner till she was in her own room, and then when Caroline came, to +pity her for her blushes, and apologize for having occasioned them, she +said, "O! how I wish he was not coming!" + +"Why, don't you like him in return for his admiration?" + +"He is a horrible man!" said Marian. + +"Horrible, and why? What has he done to you? I am sure you are very +ungrateful." + +"Don't talk of it," said Marian, blushing furiously again, then +recollecting that she might give rise to a suspicion that he had already +said something to her, she added, "I don't--I don't mean anything about +that nonsense." + +"Well, but what do you mean? Is it really anything more than his being +Elliot's friend, and having dared to--." + +"No, but Caroline, don't say anything about it; it was what I heard +about him at the Marchmonts." + +"O what?" + +"It does not seem fair to tell how they talked over their guests, so +don't repeat it again, pray." + +"You seem to find it like having a tooth drawn. Well! I am sworn to +secrecy. I won't tell a living creature." + +"I am sure I know hardly anything, only that Lord Marchmont thinks very +badly of him, and was quite sorry he had been asked to dinner. And he +spoke of his having taken up Germanism, and oh! Caroline, for a man's +faith to be unsettled is the worst of all, for then there is nothing to +fall back upon." + +Caroline stood by Marian's fire, looking thoughtful for some moments. +"Yes," she said, "you and Walter are in the same mind there, but it is +not like what I was brought up to think. Miss Cameron used to teach us +that the being in earnest in believing was the thing rather than the +form of faith." + +"O, Caroline, that cannot be right. We have been commanded to hold one +form of faith, and it must be wrong to set up another and hold it." + +"Yes, but if people are not clear that only one was given to every one, +and that just as we say it is?" + +"Then it is very bad of them!" said Marian indignantly, "for I am sure +the Bible is quite clear--one faith--the form of sound words--the faith +once delivered to the saints." + +"I am quite clear about it," said Caroline. + +"O, of course," said Marian, looking at her with a sort of alarm at her +speaking of the possibility as regarded herself of not being clear. + +"But if people are not clear, what are they to do?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, quickly; "only I hope I shall never have +anything to do with such people; I can't judge for them; I had rather +not think about them; it is of no use." + +"Of no use--what, not if you could do such a person good?" + +"Only in this way," said Marian, taking up her Prayer Book, and turning +to the Collect for Good Friday. + +"Yes, but trying to convince?" + +"I should be afraid." + +"Afraid! Marian, I am sure nothing could hurt your faith." + +"I would not try," said Marian, shaking her head sadly. + +"But at that rate no one ever would be converted?" + +"You forget that there are clergymen." + +"Yes, but other people have done good." + +"O yes, but not women by arguing. O no, no, Caroline, we never ought to +put our weakness forward, as if it could guard the truth. You know the +wrong side may find stronger arguments than we are able to do--mind I +don't say than can be found--of course truth is the strongest of all, +but we may be overpowered, though the truth is not. We women should not +stand out to argue for the truth any more than we should stand out to +fight as champions in the right cause." + +"And is this the reason you never would argue?" + +"I don't know--I mean no, it was only because I had nothing to say; I +knew when a thing was right, but could not tell why, and the more you +asked, the more I did not know." + +"And do you know now?" + +"Sometimes," said Marian, "not often, but Mr. Wortley taught me some +things, and one grows up to others. But I could never explain even when +I know." + +"For instance--" said Caroline, laughing. + +"O that came, I don't know how. Have I said so much?" + +"A great deal that is very nice. Good night, Marian." + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + "She seemed some nymph in her sedan, + Apparelled in exactest sort, + And ready to be borne to court." + + COWPER. + + +Mr. Faulkner came at the time appointed, and Caroline, who had kept +Marian's counsel, according to promise, was very curious to see how they +would behave towards each other. As to Marian, she was just what might +be expected,--more cold, distant, and stately than she had ever been to +the most vulgar of Mrs. Lyddell's acquaintance. She gave a chilling bend +to repel his attempt at shaking hands, made replies of the shortest when +he tried to talk to her, and would not look up, or put on the slightest +air of interest, at all the entertaining stories he was telling at +dinner. + +The others were all extremely pleased with him. Elliot had never before +brought home so agreeable a friend; a person who could talk of anything +but hunting and racing was a new thing among his acquaintance, and +every one was loud in his praise. Caroline, from having been prejudiced +against him by Marian's history, was more surprised than the others: +and scolded Marian, in the evening, for not having told them how very +agreeable he was. + +"I never can think any one agreeable when I know there is hollowness +within," said Marian. + +"I suppose Lord Marchmont knows," said Caroline, in a tone of annoyance +and of a little doubt; and there the conversation ended. + +Few people were ever more agreeable than Mr. Faulkner. He had read +everything, travelled everywhere, and was full of conversation suited to +every one. If Marain had not heard Lord Marchmont's account of him, she +must have liked him; but knowing what she did, she could and would not: +looking at him something as Madame Cottin's Matilde first looked at +Malek Adel, and not suffering herself to lose any of her horror. For the +first day or two her frigidity was something wonderful, as she found +him inclined to make attempts to cultivate her acquaintance; but she +thoroughly succeeded in repelling him. He left off trying to talk to +her; and one day when they were obliged to go in to dinner together, +only exchanged the fewest and most formal of words with her, and +positively neglected her for his other neighbour. + +After this, Marian did not quite so much overdo her stateliness. She +could afford to be like herself with the others, even when he was in the +room, though she never voluntarily took part in a conversation in +which he was engaged, and her coldest air came over her whenever he +approached. And it was well for her she could be so; for he stayed more +than a fortnight, decided on buying the estate of High Down, and was +asked to come again and make his head-quarters at Oakworthy, while +superintending the alterations. All were sorry when he went; even the +boys, whose first holiday week had been rendered very agreeable by his +good nature. Johnny and Gerald vied with each other in his praise, +heaping together a droll medley of schoolboy panegyrics; and Marian, not +wishing to tell them of her objections, allowed that he had been very +kind to them. + +The Christmas holidays passed, and left no change in the impression on +her mind regarding Gerald; only she heard no news of her two sovereigns, +and he did not so much as give her the opportunity of speaking to him +alone. The heartache was growing worse than ever, and she was beginning +to have a sort of desperate feeling that she would--she would--do she +knew not what--write to Mr. Wortley--write more strongly to Gerald than +she had ever yet dared to do--when one morning, a foreign looking letter +arrived, in handwriting she knew full well, though it had never before +been addressed to herself. There was company staying in the house, and +Marian was not sorry it was impossible to read it at the breakfast +table. She did not know what she was eating or what she was saying, and +ran away with it as soon as she could, to enjoy it in her own room. A +letter from Edmund! Could it be possible, or could it--O disappointing +thought!--be only some enclosure for her to forward. In alarm at the +idea, she tore it open. A long letter, and quite certainly to herself; +for there stood the three welcome words, "My dear Marian." She glanced +hastily down the first page, to make sure that there was nothing the +matter; but no, it was all right--he wrote in his own lively style. He +began by saying it was so long since he had heard from England, that he +was growing afraid he was forgotten, and felt very small when the post +came in, and brought something for every one but him; and he was going +to try a fresh person, since he was growing desperate, and had sent +appeals in vain to all his correspondents. He asked many questions about +home friends, and about Marian herself; and then told much to +interest her about his own doings, his way of living, and his hunting +expeditions, with all the strange wild beasts with which they had made +him acquainted, and he concluded thus:--"I hope you will write soon, and +that you will be able to give me a flourishing account of Gerald. His +silence may mean nothing, but it may also mean so much, that to hear +he is going on particularly well would be double satisfaction just +at present. Therefore with a view to what passed in our last walk at +Oakworthy, tell me if you are completely satisfied with regard to him." + +It was a ray of light upon all Marian's perplexities; showing her what +course to take, and filling her with hope. Her confidence in Edmund's +power of setting everything right was still unchanged, and when Gerald's +case was fully before him, he would know how to judge, and what to do; +it would all be safe and off her mind. She felt sure that this had been +the very reason of his writing; and full of gratitude, and infinitely +relieved, she opened her desk, as if to answer was the easiest and most +comfortable thing in the world. + +She did not, however, get on quite as fast as she expected; she dreaded +equally the saying too much, or too little,--the giving Edmund actually +a bad impression of her poor Gerald, or letting him think that there was +no cause for anxiety. Then she thought the best way would be merely to +give the facts, and let him draw his own conclusions; but these facts +were in themselves trifles light as air, and it seemed unkind to send +them across half the world. She left off trying to write, and resolved +to give herself time for consideration; but time only made her more +perplexed. She waited a week, wrote at last, and as soon as her letter +was fairly gone, thought of forty different ways of saying the thing +better and more justly, dwelt again and again on each line that could +convoy a false impression one way or the other, and reproached herself +by turns for having spoken disadvantageously of her dear affectionate +brother, and for not having let her cousin fairly see the full extent of +the mischief. On the whole, however, she was much happier now that it +was all in Edmund's hands; so much so, that when Mr. Faulkner came +again, she could not be quite so stiff; and being entirely relieved +from the fear of his taking notice of her, could do him the favour of +laughing when he told anything amusing. + +Winter and early spring came and went; the Easter holidays brought +Gerald home, and she tried again in vain to get him to write to Edmund; +but she could bear it better now that she had hopes. + +They went to London, and Marian was carried into the midst of all the +gaieties supposed to befit her age and situation. Mrs. Lyddell would +have thought herself very far from "doing her justice," if she had +not taken her to all the balls and parties in her way; and Marian was +obliged to submit, and get into the carriage, when she had much rather +have gone to bed. + +She put off the expectation of much enjoyment till Lady Marchmont should +come, and her arrival took place unusually late that season. She had +not been well, and little Willie had been somewhat ailing; so that the +bringing him into London air was put off as long as possible. It was not +till the latter part of May that she came, as she had always promised to +do, in time for Marian's presentation at court, on which both she and +Mrs. Lyddell were bent; and Marian ready to endure it, by the help of a +few romantic thoughts of loyalty. The day after Lady Marchmont arrived, +she called at Mrs. Lyddell's and came in, as she generally did once in +a year. After her visit was over, she asked Marian to come and take a +drive, and no sooner where they in the carriage, than she exclaimed, "A +nice looking girl, that Miss Lyddell! Is she the one who is to marry Mr. +Faulkner?" + +"O, Selina! how could you have heard such nonsense?" + +"What, is it to be denied? It is not settled, then?" + +"No, nor ever will be." + +"Why, surely the man has been spending months at Oakworthy." + +"Only weeks; besides, he was buying a house." + +"A very proper preliminary to a wife." + +"O, no, no it is impossible!" + +"But why? Perhaps you know some good reason to the contrary; for I heard +he admired you very much when he met you last year." + +"Don't say such things, Selina. How could you fancy it possible, after +all the horrid things Lord Marchmont said of him!" + +"What is impossible, my dear? That he should think you very handsome?" + +"Don't, Selina, pray don't! That any body good for any thing should ever +marry him!" + +"Any body good for any thing!" repeated Selina. "Well, granted,--and +it is a considerable grant,--does that make the supposition out of the +question?" + +"Yes, as regards Caroline. O, Selina! you do not know Caroline, or you +would not look so incredulous!" + +"Time will show," said Lady Marchmont, gaily. "I reserve to myself the +satisfaction of having known it beforehand." + +"It never will be," said Marian. "And how is little Willie?" + +"Very well, poor little man, if he would only grow, but he is so small, +that I am fairly ashamed to show such a hop-o'-my-thumb. But he is +coming out quite a genius; he reads as well as I do, and makes the +wisest speeches." + +And the history of his wise speeches occupied them for some time, with +other matters, until just as their drive was nearly concluded, Selina +exclaimed, "But all this time I have never asked you if you can throw +any light on this extraordinary step of Edmund Arundel's?" + +"What do you mean?" cried Marian. + +"Have you not heard that he has exchanged, and is coming home? The most +foolish thing,--just as he might have been sure of promotion. It is not +likely to be health, for the climate agreed very well with him." + +"Yes," assented Marian, wrapt in her own thoughts; "but did he write to +you?" + +"Not a word; we only saw it in the Gazette, and Lord Marchmont would +hardly believe it could be he; but it was but too plain,--Lieutenant +Edmund Gerald Arundel. It is very strange; he was not wont to do foolish +things." + +"No," said Marian, mechanically. + +"And you know nothing about it? You know him better than we do. Ho +seemed the very man for the Colonies, with no ties at home, unless--no, +it is impossible--unless there could be a lady in the case." + +"O, no!" replied Marian colouring so much at the secret consciousness of +his motive, that Selina laughed, saying, "I could almost suspect you, in +spite of your demureness, of being the very lady. However, I am glad you +think there is no truth in my surmise, for he could not do a more absurd +thing than marry. Only when a man gives up all his prospects in this +way, there is nothing too preposterous to be expected to come next." + +By this time they were at Mrs. Lyddell's door, and Marian gladly +escaped, feeling stunned at the effect her letter had produced. How +noble, how kind, how generous, how self-devoted Edmund was! this was the +prominent thought. She knew him to be very fond and very proud of his +regiment, to be much attached to several of his brother officers, and to +have given them more of his affection than persons with home interests +generally do; indeed, they had served him instead of home. All his +success in life, and his hopes of promotion, given up too,--sacrifices +which she could not estimate; and it was she who had caused them. She +had thoughtlessly led him to do himself all this injury, out of his +kindness and affection, and his sense of duty towards her and her +brother. She was very unhappy when she thought of this; then came the +bright ray of joy and relief in hope and confidence for Gerald,--Gerald +saved, saved from corruption, ruin, from being like Elliot, from +breaking her heart, made all that his father and mother would have made +him, her pride, her delight, the glory and honour of Fern Torr,--O, +joy, joy! And the mere seeing Edmund again,--joy, joy! Yes, the joy far +predominated over the pain and regret; indeed, be the injury to himself +what it might, who could be sorry that he had acted so nobly? Yes, +Marian was happy; her eyes were bright, her smile frequent; she laughed +with Clara, she romped with little Willie Marchmont, she was ungracious +to none but Mr. Faulkner who came to the house so much, that she began +to fear that Caroline might have the annoyance of an offer from him, +more especially since he had made his mother and sister call on Mrs. +Lyddell, and Miss Faulkner seemed to intend to be intimate. + +The day of the drawing-room had come; Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline were +going, and Marian was of course to go with Lady Marchmont. She had just +been full dressed, and had come down stairs to wait for Lady Marchmont's +carriage, when a step was heard approaching. She thought it was the +servant, to announce it; it was the servant, but the announcement was +not what she expected. It was "Mr. Arundel,"--and Edmund stood before +her, browner, thinner, older, but still Edmund himself. + +She could not have spoken; she only held out her hand, and returned his +strong pressure with all the force her soft fingers were capable of. +Mrs. Lyddell spoke, he answered, explanations were given and received, +and still she stood as if she was dreaming, until he turned to her, and +said, "Well, Marian, these are transformations indeed?" + +"I can't help it," said Marian. + +"Do you think I want you to help it? I suppose I need not ask if the +Marchmonts are in town?" + +"Lady Marchmont presents Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell; "we expect her +carriage every minute." + +And just then the announcement really came. + +"Her carriage, not herself?" said Edmund. "Well, I think I might go +with you to her house, Marian, if your feathers are not ashamed of such +shabby company." + +"O, pray come!" + +"And you will return to dinner, I hope, Mr. Arundel," said Mrs. Lyddell, +"at half-past seven? Mr. Lyddell will be so glad to see you." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, and the two cousins went down stairs +together. As soon as they were in the carriage, Edmund said, "A lucky +moment to come in. It is something to have seen you in all your +splendour. You have grown into something magnificent!" + +"All this finery makes me look taller than I really am." + +"Nevertheless, however you may try to conceal it, I am afraid you have +turned into the full grown cat. I saw it in your letter." + +"O, Edmund, I am so sorry I wrote that letter." + +"Why? Are you happier about Gerald?" + +"No, I don't know that I am," said Marian, sighing; "but--but I little +thought it would make so much difference to you. I did not know what I +was doing." + +"I am glad of it, or you would not have written so freely; though after +all you could not have helped being like a sensible straightforward +person." + +"O, it is untold relief that you are come; and yet I must be sorry--" + +"I won't have you sorry. No one should regret having told the honest +truth. The fact is, I ought never to have gone. And poor Gerald?" + +"I have no more to say, only vague fears. But now you are come, it is +all right." + +"Don't trust too much to me, Marian. Remember, it will be a generous +thing in Gerald if he attends to me at all. He is not obliged to do so." + +"You will--you must do everything. Gerald is as fond of you as ever, I +know he is, though he would not write. O, I am glad! You heard of our +delightful going home, I hope?" + +"Yes. All well there?" said Edmund, hurriedly. + +"Very well. Agnes is grown so tall, and it is so very nice there. The +old Manor house--" + +"Well," he broke in suddenly; "and how do you get on with Selina +Marchmont." + +"She is very, very kind. But O! here we are in her street, and I shall +have no more of you to-day." + +"Not at dinner?" + +"O; it is a great, horrid party, as Mrs. Lyddell should have warned +you." + +"Could not I take you in to dinner?" + +"I am afraid not. Mrs. Lyddell will never treat me as if I was at home, +and I am afraid there is an honourable man that I must be bestowed on." + +They had reached Lady Marchmont's door, and going up stairs, found her +looking like a princess in a fairy tale, in her white plumes and her +diamonds; and Willie, the smallest, most delicate, and prettiest of +little boys, admiring the splendours of his papa's yeomanry uniform. + +In spite of being considerably provoked with Edmund for having come +home, Lord and Lady Marchmont welcomed him with as much warmth as if +it was the most prudent thing he could have done. They insisted on his +coming to stay at their house, and as it was full time to set off, left +him to see about his worldly goods being transported thither. + +"Has he told you his reason, Marian?" asked Selina, as soon as the two +ladies and their trains were safely disposed of, in the carriage. + +"I know them," said Marian, her colour rising, "and most noble they are; +but I had rather let him tell you himself." + +"Marian's discretion again," said Lord Marchmont, smiling. + +"Only set me at rest on one point," said Selina; "it is no love affair, +I hope?" + +"No, indeed," said Marian; "or do you think he would have told me?" + +Probably there were few young ladies who played their part that day in +the drawing-room, that last remnant of the ancient state and majesty of +our courts, with happier minds, or less intent on their own appearance, +than Marian Arundel. She was very glad when the bustle and crowd were +over, and she could be alone to enjoy the certainty that Edmund was +really at home again. + +He came according to promise that evening, but she could not have much +conversation with him, as he was placed at a distance from her, the +greater part of the time. He was not sorry to be thus able to watch her, +though he did not see her in the point of view in which she pleased him +best. She looked better now, he thought, than in the court dress; for +the broad, simple, antique braids of her dark hair, only adorned by two +large pearl pins, suited better than the plumes and lappets, with the +cast of her classical features. All that he had thought promised +beauty, as a child, had fulfilled the promise, and the countenance, the +expression, would have been fine, seen on a much plainer face, and as +she eat there, her black, shady eyes cast down, her dark pencilled +eyebrows contrasting with her colourless cheek, and her plain white +drapery in full folds, flowing round her, she might have been some +majestic lady in a mysterious picture, who had stepped from her frame +into a scene belonging to another age. She looked as if she was acting a +tableau; she moved, indeed, and smiled, and spoke occasionally; but the +queen-like deportment of her neck did not relax; her lips resumed their +statue-like expression; there was no smile about the eye, no interest +in the air. She was among the company, but not of them; neither shy nor +formal, but as if she belonged to some other sphere, and had only come +there by mistake. Edmund could have counted the times, for they were +few enough, when her head bent forward with eagerness, and there was +animation in her face. + +How different from Caroline! her brightly coloured, blooming face +sparkling with life and light; flowers among her light, shining hair; +her dress of well-chosen, tasteful, brilliant tints, ornament, lace +and ribbon, all well assorted in kind and quantity, her alert, lively +movements carrying her from one group to another, with something +pleasant and appropriate to say to all, bringing smiles and animation +with her wherever she went. Not that Edmund did not prefer his cousin's +severe simplicity, and admire it as something grand; but that stern +grandeur was not all that fitted the place; and though he thought her +beautiful, he was not satisfied. + +Edmund had some talk with Mrs. Lyddell, who spoke of Gerald with great +warmth; more, he thought, than she showed in the mention of Marian. He +stayed till the last, and saw the relaxation of her grand company-face, +before he wished them good night. + +"Well," said Mrs. Lyddell, as the door closed behind him, and she +lighted her candle, "Africa has not robbed Mr. Arundel of all his good +looks. How old is he?" + +"Nearly twenty-eight," said Marian. + +"I am always forgetting that he is so young," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Well, +good night. I wonder what brought him home?" + +"I do not wonder, for it is plain enough," said Caroline, as the girls +turned up their own staircase. + +"Marian tries to look innocent," said Clara, laughing violently. + +"I am sure I don't understand," said Marian. + +"Now I am sure that is on purpose to make us explain," said Clara. "It +is too bad, Marian; when he came straight to you, instead of going to +Lady Marchmont." + +"And the tête-à-tête in the carriage," said Caroline. + +"Don't be so ridiculous," said Marian; "but I believe you like such +jokes so well, that you would make them out of anything." + +"I don't make a joke of it at all. I always thought it was with that +very view, he was made your guardian." + +"You very absurd persons, good night!" said Marian, shutting her door, +and laughing to herself at such a very ludicrous idea as such a scheme +on the part of her father. + +These kind of jokes, of which some people are still very fond, may be +very hurtful, since a young girl's inexperience may found far more upon +them than the laughers ever intended. Caroline and Clara were not acting +a kind part, though they were far from any unkind meaning. Marian had +great susceptibility and deep affections; and had her mind been less +strong, her happiness might have been seriously injured. Even if their +observations had no real meaning, and no effect on her heart, yet they +could not fail to occasion her many moments of embarrassment, and might +interfere with her full, free confidence in her best and earliest +friend. + +In some degree they had this result. Marian began to be aware that her +situation with Edmund was not without awkwardness,--that he was still +a young man, and that she was now a young woman; and whilst shocked +at herself, and disliking the moment that had opened the door to the +thought, was obliged to consider how far there might be truth in the +suggestion. + +She was quite sure that she had influenced him strongly, quite sure that +he regarded her with warm affection; she wished she was equally sure it +was with a brother's love. Yes, she wished, for to think otherwise would +lower him in her estimation. He was her first cousin, and if first +cousins had better not marry he would never think of it; besides, the +merit of his sacrificing all for Gerald's good would be lost, and +his return would have been an act of self-gratification instead of +self-devotion. No, she would not, could not believe any such thing; she +was certain Edmund never would be so weak as to wish to do anything only +doubtfully right, and thus, strangely enough, her full trust in the +dignity of his character, prevented her from imagining him in love with +her. + +Still she knew her cousins were watching her, and this prevented her +from ever meeting him in thorough comfort at Mr. Lyddell's; and even +when at Lord Marchmont's, her maidenly reserve had been so far awakened +as to make her shrink back from the full freedom of their former +intercourse. This, however, was more in her feeling than in her manners, +which, if they differed at all from what they were formerly, only seemed +to be what naturally arose from her growth in years. + +She observed that he was not in good spirits. It was not what others, +not even Selina, could perceive, but Edmund and Marian had known each +other too well and too long, not to read each other's faces, and know +the meaning of each other's tones. She did not expect him to be as merry +as in olden days at home, nor did she desire it; but there was more +depression about him than she thought comfortable, and she was sure that +it was an effort to him to talk in the lively way that had once been +natural to him. She was afraid he felt the separation from his friends +in his old regiment very severely, or else that he was very anxious +about Gerald, and yet she had found out that the tenderest point of all +was Fern Torr, for he either would not or could not speak of that, but +always contrived to turn the conversation as soon as it was touched +upon. She grieved over his unhappiness a great deal, and yet would not +enter on any questioning, from an innate feeling, that it would not +be becoming. He was only to stay a very short time in London, before +joining his regiment at Portsmouth, and he meant to go and spend a day +at Eton to see Gerald, but Lady Marchmont suddenly proposed that they +should all go together; she said she must inspect Eton before Master +Willie was ready to go, and that it would be a charming scheme to take +Marian and surprise Gerald. Marian had a few secret doubts whether this +was exactly the most suitable way of fulfilling Edmund's intentions, +but it was so delightful a treat that she laid aside her scruples, and +Selina coaxed her husband into finding a day to accompany them. + +So one fine June morning, the day before Edmund's departure, they set +off, Selina's high spirits and Marian's happiness giving the party a +very joyous aspect. Father Thames looked as stately and silvery as ever, +the playing fields smiled in the sunshine, and Windsor Castle looked +down on them majestically. Marian felt it a holiday to have escaped from +London into so fair a scene, and even if she had come for nothing else, +would have been happy in beholding some of the most honoured spots in +the broad realm of England. + +She had many questions to ask, but Lord Marchmont was taken up with +showing his old haunts to his wife, and she was walking some distance in +front, with Edmund, on whose face there was an expression of melancholy +thought that she would not disturb. He was an Etonian, and how fall of +remembrances must all be around him. + +Presently two or three boys met them running, and were passing them, +when Marion exclaimed, "There is Lionel!" "Lyddell!" called Edmund, and +one of them stopped, so taken by surprise that Marian was for a moment +horrified by thinking she had mistaken him; but the next glance +re-assured her, for she knew Lionel's way of standing, and his hat +pulled far over his forehead. + +"Lionel," said she, "where is Gerald?" + +"Hallo! You here!" said he, wheeling round so that the light might not +be in his eyes, and shading them with one hand while he tried to make +out Edmund, and gave his other hand to Marian. + +"How did you come here? Are any of the people at home here?" + +"No, this is my cousin Edmund. I am come with the Marchmonts." + +"You have quite forgotten me," said Edmund, shaking hands. + +"Not if I could see you," said Lionel, frowning at the light, as he +looked up. + +"O, Lionel, how bad your eyes are!" exclaimed Marion. + +"I have just been reading, and there is such a _hideous_ sunshine +to-day," said Lionel. + +"And where is Gerald?" + +"I'll go and fetch him." + +"Where is he?" + +"I'll find him," and off he ran, with a fresh pull of his hat over his +forehead to keep off the hideous sunshine. The Marchmonts came up at the +moment, and were told who he was, and that he was gone to find Gerald. +Edmund asked what was the matter with his eyes. + +"They are never very good," said Marian. "Reading and strong light +always hurt them." + +"Has he had any advice?" + +"The surgeon at Oakworthy looked at them last Christmas, when the snow +dazzled them, but he did not think there was much amiss with them. It +was always so. But where can Gerald be?" + +In the space of about five minutes, Gerald and Lionel appeared, and the +former came up to them alone, with a look which had more of shyness than +of pleasure, and his greeting, while more courteous, was less open and +cordial than Lionel's had been. They all went together to the house of +the boys' tutor, who had also been Edmund's; there was a great maze of +talking and introductions: Lady Marchmont made herself very charming to +the mistress of the house: Edmund and the tutor disappeared together, +and did not come back till the others had nearly finished a most +hospitable luncheon; after which the visitors set out to see all that +there was time to see, and Marian caused Gerald to fetch Lionel to +accompany them. + +Lionel walked with Edmund and Marian, but Gerald on the other hand +attached himself to Lord and Lady Marchmont, talking to them freely and +pleasantly, answering Selina's questions, much to her amusement and +satisfaction, and Lord Marchmont comparing notes with him, as old +Etonians delight to do with "the sprightly race, disporting" for the +time being, on the "margen green" of Father Thames. A particularly +lively, pleasant, entertaining, well-mannered boy was Gerald, but, all +the time, Marian was feeling that he was holding aloof both from her and +Edmund, never allowing either of them the opportunity of speaking to him +alone, for even a minute; and his manner, whenever Edmund either spoke +to him or looked at him, was such as to betray to her that he was ill at +ease. + +Thus it was while they viewed the chapel, the court, with what Selina +was pleased to call "Henry's holy shade," the upper school, the hundred +steps, the terrace, and beautiful S. George's, with its gorgeous banners +and carved stalls, and blazoned shields, that glimpse into the Gothic +world of chivalry and romance; and in the midst of it that simple flat +stone, which thrills the heart with a deep feeling at once of love, +sorrow and reverence; that stone which recalls the desolate night which, +in darkness and ruin, amid torn banners, and scutcheons riven, saw the +Martyr king go white to his grave. Marian entered into all these things, +in spite of her anxiety, for her mind was free enough to be open to +external objects, now that her brother was in Edmund's hands, and she +was relieved of that burthen of responsibility which had so pressed on +her. + +Such was their Eton day, and with no more satisfaction from Gerald did +they part at the Slough station. The Marchmonts were loud in his praise, +Marian sought the real opinion in Edmund's eyes, but he was leaning +back, looking meditative, and when first he roused himself to enter into +conversation, it was of Lionel and not of Gerald that he spoke. + +"Do you say that any one has looked at that boy's eyes?" + +"Yes, Mr. Wells, the Oakworthy apothecary." + +"Do you know what is thought of him?" + +"I don't know," said Marian considering. "He attends a good many people, +I believe he is thought well of; but no one ever is ill at home, so I +have no experience of him. Yes, he was called in once when we all had +the measles, and last winter about Lionel's eyes. I am sure I don't know +whether he is what you would call a good doctor or not; all I know is, +that he is not at all like Dr. Oldham." + +Edmund smiled. "Has Mrs. Lyddell not been uneasy?" + +"O no!" said Marian. "No one ever troubles their head about Lionel, +besides it was always so." + +"Always how?" + +"His eyes were always weak, and easily tired and dazzled, from the very +first when I knew him. They don't look as if there was anything amiss +with them, and so people don't suspect it." + +"I think they do look very much amiss," said Edmund. "Do not you observe +an indistinctness about the pupil, between it and the iris? Can you tell +whether that was always the case?" + +"I don't know, I see what you mean. I should say it had begun of late. +Do you think it so bad a sign?" she asked anxiously. + +"I am not sure; I only know if he belonged to me, I should not like it +at all." + +Marian pondered and feared, and considered if it would be possible +to stir up Mrs. Lyddell; she herself was much startled, and rather +indignant; but she doubted greatly whether poor Lionel was of sufficient +importance in the family for any one to be very anxious on his account. +In the meantime, she was extremely desirous of hearing what account +Edmund had received from the tutor respecting her brother, but she had +no opportunity till late in the evening, when he came and sat by her on +the sofa, saying, "Now, Marian, I will answer your anxious eyes, though +I am afraid I have nothing very satisfactory to tell you. I don't know +that there is any positive harm--it is only the old story of a clever +boy with too much money, and too much left to himself. Idleness and +thoughtlessness." + +"And what shall you do?" + +"I don't know--I must think." + +Whereupon they both sat silent. + +"I shall see you again in the summer," said he. + +"O yes--perhaps you will come in Gerald's holidays." + +Another silence, then she said, "Do you think very badly of poor +Lionel's eyes?" + +"No, I don't say that, for I know nothing, only I wonder his family are +not more anxious." + +"I shall see if Mrs. Lyddell will believe there is cause for alarm." + +The carriage was announced, she wished him good-bye again, thanked her +cousins for her pleasant day, and departed, wondering to herself how it +could have been a pleasant day, as after all it had been, in spite of +doubt and anxiety and care. + +She told Mrs. Lyddell when she came in, that she had seen Lionel. + +"How were his eyes?" asked Caroline. + +"I am afraid they were more dazzled than usual." + +No one said anything, and after a pause she went on. "Edmund remarked +a sort of indistinctness about the pupil, which he said was not a good +sign." + +"What was that?" said Mr. Lyddell looking up, and Marian, startled, yet +glad to have attracted his notice, repeated what she had said. "Did not +Wells look at his eyes last winter?" he said, turning to his wife. + +"Yes, he said he could not see anything the matter with them--they must +be spared--and he sent a mixture to bathe them. Lionel has been using it +continually." + +"How would it be to have him up here to see some one?" said Mr. Lyddell. + +"Better wait for the holidays," answered his wife. "It would be the +worst thing possible to set him thinking, about his eyes in the middle +of the half-year. Little as he does now, it would soon be less, and his +eyes have kept him back so much already that he really cannot afford to +lose any more time." + +There it ended, Mrs. Lyddell was not to be alarmed; she had been too +long used to prosperity even to contemplate the possibility that harm +should come nigh to her or to her dwelling. Mr. Lyddell, who left all +family matters to her, forgot all about it, and though Marian talked +Caroline into some fears on the subject, Caroline could do no more than +she could herself. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + "_Benedict_. What, my dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?" + + "_Beatrice_. Is it possible Disdain should die while she has such + meet food to feed her?" + + _Much Ado about Nothing._ + + +The Lyddell family did not continue in London much longer; it had been a +short season, and though the session of Parliament was not over, most +of the ladies were taking flight into the country, before the end of +June,--Mrs. Lyddell among the rest,--and her husband went backwards and +forwards to London, as occasion called him. + +The girls were glad to get into the country, but Marian soon found that +she had not escaped either from gaieties, or from the objects of her +aversion; for Mr. Faulkner brought his mother and sisters to High Down +House, gave numerous parties there, and made a constant interchange of +civilities with the family at Oakworthy. Archery was pretty much the +fashion with the young ladies that year; it was a sport which Marian +liked particularly, having often practised it with Edmund and Agnes, and +her bow and arrows were always the first to be ready. + +One day when Marian, Caroline, and Clara were shooting on the lawn at +Oakworthy, Mr. and Miss Faulkner rode from High Down, came out on the +lawn, and joined them. From that moment, any one could see the change +that came over Marian. Instead of laughing and talking, teaching Clara, +and paying only half attention to her own shooting, she now went on as +if it was her sole object, and as if she had no other purpose in life. +She fixed her arrows and twanged her string with a rigidity as if the +target had been a deadly enemy, or her whole fate was concentrated in +hitting the bull's eye; and when her arrows went straight to the mark, +or at least much straighter than those of any one else, she never +turned her head, or vouchsafed more than the briefest answer to the +exclamations around. + +The others were talking of archery in general and in particular,--just +what, if it had not been Mr. Faulkner, would have delighted her; but +she would not hear him. He might speak of the English long-bow, and +the cloth yard-shaft, and the butts at which Elizabeth shot, and the +dexterity required for hitting a deer, and of the long arrow of the +Indian, and the Wourali reed of South America,--as long as he spoke it +was nothing to her, let Caroline smile and answer, and appeal to her as +much she would. Then came a talk about archery meetings and parties, in +which at last they all grew so eager, that they stood still round the +return target, and Marian could not shoot back again without perilling +them; so she unstrung her bow, and stood apart with a stern face, which +made her look a great deal more like Diana, than she by any means +suspected or desired. + +Two days after, there came a note from Miss Faulkner,--Julia, as she had +requested to be called,--saying that her brother was so delighted with +the archery schemes that had been discussed, that he could not give them +up, and intended to give a grand fête at High Down,--archery in the +morning, a ball in the evening, and all the ladies who liked, to be in +costume. She ended by begging Caroline to come to luncheon that day, or +the next, to enter into council on the subject. There was great delight; +such an entertainment was quite a novelty in the neighbourhood, and the +costume seemed to make it all the more charming in the eyes of Caroline, +Clara, and their mother; all were talking at once, and wondering what it +could or should be, while Marian went on reading imperturbably without +one remark. + +"It ought to be in Robin Hood's time, if only for the sake of Maid +Marian," said Caroline. "She will be quite sure to win the prize." + +"O yes, that she will," said Clara; "she shoots so much better than any +one else." + +"I shall not shoot in public," said Marian, looking up for a moment, and +then going on with her book. + +"You will do nothing to make yourself particular," said Mrs. Lyddell: +"it will be very silly to set your face against this fête, when every +one knows how fond you are of archery." + +"We don't know anything yet about what is to be," said Caroline, +quickly; and at that moment Elliot, coming in, offered to ride with her +to High Down, whereupon she hastened to get ready. Such an obliging +offer from her brother was certainly too uncommon a thing to be +neglected, in spite of the unwonted graciousness and amiability which +Elliot had for the last few weeks assumed towards her. + +When she was gone, Marian and Clara resumed their ordinary occupations, +and one of them at least troubled herself no more about the fête, until, +shortly before dinner time, Elliot, Caroline, and Mr. Faulkner all rode +up to the front door. Mr. Faulkner, it appeared, was come to dinner, and +to carry on the consultation, since he was extremely eager about the +scheme, and no time was to be lost in sending out the invitations. +The Sherwood Forest plan had been talked over, and abandoned as too +common-place. It was to be a Kenilworth fête; eight young ladies of Lady +Julia's especial party were to appear in the morning in a pretty uniform +dress, a little subdued from the days of the ruff and farthingale; and +in the evening there was to be a regular Kenilworth quadrille, in which +each lady or gentleman was to assume the dress of some character of +Queen Elizabeth's court. In fact, as Mr. Faulkner said;-- + + "Gorgeous dames and statesmen bold + In bearded majesty appear." + +Amy Robsart, Katherine Seymour, Anne Clifford, Frances Walsingham, +Mildred Cecil, and other ladies of the time were mentioned, and then +came the counting up of their eight living representatives,--the two +Misses Faulkner, Caroline, yes, and Clara herself, who started and +danced with ecstasy, then glanced entreatingly at her mother, who looked +doubtful; Marian, two cousins of the Faulkners, who were always ready +for anything, and a Miss Mordaunt, were reckoned up, and their dresses +quickly discussed; but all the time Marian said not a word. She was +thinking of the waste of time and consideration, the folly, levity +and vanity, the throwing away of money, all this would occasion, and +enjoying in her own mind the pleasure of resisting it _in toto_. She +supposed she must go to the archery meeting, though why people could +not be contented to shoot on their own lawns, instead of spoiling their +pleasure by all this fuss, she could not guess; but make a show of +herself and her shooting, be stared at by all the world,--that she would +never do. Nor would she make a figure of herself at the ball, and spend +the money which she wanted very much for her poor people and her +books, now that her court dress and London finery had eaten up such an +unconscionable share of her allowance. Increased as it was, she had +never felt so poor as at present; she wanted Mrs. Jameson's "Sacred and +Legendary Art" for herself, and there were all the presents to be sent +to the old people at Fern Torr; and should these be given up for the +sake of appearing as the fair Anne Clifford, or some such person, for +one evening, during which she would be feeling most especially unnatural +and uncomfortable? No indeed! and she trusted that she had a very good +and sufficient defence against all such foolery, in the slight mourning +which she was wearing for one of the Marchmont connection. True, she had +thought of leaving it off next Sunday, but no matter; it would be such +armour as was not to be lightly parted with; and if she went to the ball +at all, it should never, never be as the heiress of the Cliffords, but +as the faithful mourning relation of old Mr. Thomas Marchmont, her +second cousin once removed, whom she had never beheld in her life, and +who would have been dead at least nine weeks by the time it took place. + +She said nothing about it in the drawing-room; but when they went up +stairs, she told Caroline not to reckon upon her, for she should be in +mourning, and could not wear a fancy dress. Caroline looked much vexed. +"It was a great pity," she said, "and Julia Faulkner wished it to be +all their own set. Besides, would not Marian shoot,--she who did it so +well?" + +"O, no, no, I could do no such thing with all those people staring." + +"Not even for a silver arrow? You would be sure to win it." + +"I should be ashamed of the very sight of it ever after. O no! I should +like--at least I should not mind seeing it all as a spectator, but as to +making a part of the show, never, never, Caroline!" + +"Well, I know it is of no use to try to persuade you!" said Caroline, +with a little annoyance in her tone. "Good night." + +Lady Julia, with her son and daughter, came to call the next day. Marian +thought herself fortunate in not being in the drawing-room. She put on +her bonnet, slipped out at the garden door, and walked away with a book +in her hand, to the remotest regions of the park, where she sat down +under a thorn-tree, and read Schiller's Thirty Years' War with a sort of +exemplary diligence and philosophy, till it was so late that she thought +herself perfectly secure of the Faulkners' being gone. Yet she only just +missed them, for their carriage was driving off at one door, as she +reached the other. + +"Where have you been, Marian?" was the first greeting. + +"I have been walking to the old thorn." + +"O, have you? We hunted for you everywhere in the house: we would hardly +believe Fanny when she said you were gone out, for I knew you meant to +walk with us." + +"I thought you would be engaged so long that it was not worth while to +wait for you." + +"Well, but did you know you had missed the Faulkners?" said Clara. + +"I knew they were here." + +Every one understood this except Clara, and very little did it please +Mrs. Lyddell or Caroline. + +"Marian," said Mrs. Lyddell, "you really must not be so absurd about +this matter. Your mourning is nothing. You need not be wearing it even +now; and it will annoy Lady Julia, and put her to serious inconvenience, +if you continue to refuse." + +"I am sure I do not wish to inconvenience her," said Marian; "but there +must be many young ladies who would be only too happy to take the part." + +"Of course," said Mrs. Lyddell, "any one else would rejoice to be asked; +but the point is, that it is so unpleasant to admit any thing of a +stranger into the intimacy these things occasion." + +"I am almost a stranger to them." + +"Yes, but not to us, Marian," said Clara. "You have known them as long, +or longer than we have; and you would look so very well. Lady Julia said +herself that such a distinguished face and figure as yours would set the +whole thing off to advantage." + +Caroline well knew this was but the way to make Marian still more +determined against it. She held her tongue through all the persuasions +of her mother and Clara; and trusting a little, but not much, to the +superior influence which she knew herself to possess, she followed +Marian to her room, and began,--"Marian, are you still resolute against +this unfortunate archery? because, if you do not really think it a +matter of right and wrong, I should be very much obliged to you if you +would only yield." + +It was not so easy to withstand Caroline speaking in this way, as Mrs. +Lyddell almost scolding and Clara talking nonsense; but Marian had made +up her mind, and would not let herself be shaken. "I don't think I can," +was her answer. + +"Will you say whether you really think it wrong?" + +"I don't know." Not her considering "I don't know," but the dry, +provoking end-of-the-matter answer of half sullen days gone by. + +"If you really thought it positively wrong," proceeded Caroline, "not +another word would I say: but I don't see how you can without condemning +all gaeties, and that I know you do not." + +"I only think it a--a waste of time--a great deal of nonsense," said +Marian, faltering for an answer; "and really I have spent so much money; +I do not like to throw away any more." + +"O, you do not know how we have settled that," said Caroline, beginning +to be hopeful now that she had something tangible to attack. "The +dresses for the morning will be nothing,--only a white skirt and green +polka, which will do to wear for ever after, and a little ruff, very +pretty, and no expense at all; and a little alteration will make our +court dresses perfectly suitable for Queen Elizabeth's ladies. You need +not be at all afraid of being ruined." + +Marian saw that, though there would be many a little expense to make a +mickle one, yet it would still only cost her Mrs. Jameson, instead of +the gifts to the poor people; but as this was what chiefly justified +her in her own eyes, she would not admit the conviction, and answered, +"Those things that are altered and adapted really are as costly in the +end as if they were new altogether. Besides, I could not, I really could +not shoot before such an assembly." + +"I should so like to see you get the arrow." + +"O Caroline, that would be worse than anything!" + +"Well, then, don't get it; shoot as badly as you please: only do be kind +and make one of us, or you will spoil the whole concern." + +"How can that be? What difference can my dressing up or shooting make to +any one?" + +"Why, for one thing, if you are not one, as you must be, living with us +and all, Julia will be obliged to ask that Miss Grimley; don't you know +her?" + +"What, that old young lady who has been figuring in the newspaper so +long as getting all the archery prizes?" + +"Yes, the veteran archer, as Elliot calls her; and Mr. Faulkner says, if +she appears in character at all, it must be as Queen Elizabeth herself +dancing a stately pavise to the sound of the little fiddle. She is some +connection of theirs, and must be asked, if you will not take it; and +she is almost as bad as Queen Elizabeth herself, and will give none of +us any peace about the dresses, O Marian! Julia said she should esteem +it as a real kindness from you if you would be Lady Anne, if only for +the sake of keeping her out!" + +"I think it would be very absurd for a person who hates the whole +concern to be dragged in, for the sake of keeping out one who likes it!" + +"Then you are still resolved? Well, I had not much expectation, but +still I was half inclined to hope you would relent, if you did not think +it a point of principle, when you knew that it would be a real favor to +me." + +"To you, Caroline! you do not care for such trumpery." + +"I do care about seeing my friends mortified and vexed," said Caroline, +mournfully. + +"Your friends!" exclaimed Marian, in a voice of contempt. + +"Yes, as much as kindness can make them." + +"And esteem? O Caroline!" + +"Kindness--readiness to oblige," repeated Caroline. + +"They are my friends, and I am very fond of them." + +Caroline went away without another word, and Marian felt that her words +implied that she preferred readiness to oblige, to rigid, unbending +superiority in goodness. Marian felt it, and was disappointed in +Caroline, and pleased to have kept her determination, without asking +herself how far it was satisfied pride in obstinacy. + +This was the last time for many weeks that Caroline lingered talking +in Marian's room. The old chill had come on again. Both knew, though +neither said so, that it was not so much because it was a display and +expense that Marian refused, as because it was the Faulkners' party. If +it had been Lady Marchmont's, it would have been very different. Now +Caroline liked the Faulkners; they were all good natured, and much more +agreeable than any others in the neighbourhood--than any, indeed, with +whom she had yet been brought into close intercourse. She thought Marian +was unjust and ungracious, both to them and to her; that she had been +prejudiced from the first, and now was very decidedly making herself +disagreeable by a rigidity in trifles, which was almost positive +unkindness. Caroline's home, as has been shown, was neither a very +happy, nor a very satisfactory one; so that of late she had learnt to +look upon her brother Walter and Marian as her chief comforts, and was +now much more hurt and disappointed at Marian's conduct than she was +willing to show. It was particularly unfortunate just at this time, when +there was so much to invite and gratify her at High Down, when she was +in especial need of a true and affectionate friend and counsellor, and +when Walter was absent, being engaged in preparing for his ordination, +which was to take place in the course of the autumn. + +Mrs. Lyddell was much displeased with Marian, and showed it by her +coldness and formality; and Marian began to live more alone with +herself, and at war with the outer world, than she had done even before +Edmund's first visit five years ago. Caroline and Clara were a great +deal with the Faulkners, either at High Down or at home. Clara was in a +perfect transport at being admitted into the number of the archeresses, +and had struck up one of her eternal friendships with Louisa, the second +Miss Faulkner; and Marian might very fairly be provoked at seeing how +entirely her mind was diverted from all the rationality which she and +Caroline had been endeavouring--and as they had hoped, not without +success--to infuse into her during the past year. To get Clara to +settle quietly down to anything was an utter impossibility; her wisest +employment was the study of Elizabethan costumes, her most earnest, the +practice of archery. Now Marian always maintained that archery, on their +own lawn, and among themselves, was a very pretty sport; and for the +sake of consistency with her own principles, she very diligently shot +whenever the Faulkners were not there, and did her very best, by precept +and example, to make Clara fit her arrows to the string in her own +direct and purpose-like way, draw the bow-string to her ear with a +steady effort and aim, instead of a fitful jerk or twitch; and in fact +shoot, if she was to shoot, like a sensible woman, who really intended +damage to the target. Clara was very much obliged, and made some +progress; but Marian thus did herself little good with any one else, +for her love of the sport, and her excellence at it, made her spirit of +disdain all the more marked. Clara, was again, as in former times, her +chief friend in the family; for Marian, after the first vexation, held +her sense too cheap to blame her for her folly. It was the fault of the +others that she had been put in the way of what could not fail to turn +her head; so she listened, without showing many tokens of contempt, +to her endless histories of dear Louisa, and all the plans at High +Down,--of the witticisms that were perpetrated, the anticipations of +amusement and admiration, and of the tracasseries which Miss Grimley had +not failed to occasion. Marian was often entertained, and Clara more +than once hoped she was on the point of regretting that she was not one +of the favoured eight; but nothing could be further from Marian's mind. +She did not intend to absent herself either from the archery or from the +ball, but she must wear her own character, and no other; and people +were allowed to assume fancy dresses or not, just as suited their +inclination, so that she was in no fear of rendering herself remarkable. + +Caroline and Clara were to go to High Down two days before the great +occasion, and stay till the day after; Marian to remain at Oakworthy. +Just before they went, Clara danced into her room, saying, "Marian, do +you know some of the officers at Portsmouth have been asked to the ball? +You know there is a railroad all the way. I wonder if Mr. Arundel will +be there?" + +"Decidedly not," replied Marian. + +"What, not when he knows what an attraction there will be?" + +"Don't talk such nonsense, Clara; the idea of thinking a man would take +such a journey for a ball! Well, I hope you will be very happy." + +"O do come and see my dress, Marian, before it is packed up; it is on +mamma's bed, and it is so beautiful!" + +Marian came, and admired. Caroline was to be Amy Robsart, and Clara, +Janet Foster; a part her mother had chosen for her, as more appropriate +to a girl not yet come out. Certainly, Tony Foster would scarcely have +recognized his demure little Puritan under the little lace hood, +the purple bodice, and white skirt, at which Clara looked with such +exultation; and Janet was further to be supposed to have taken +possession of the Countess's orient neck-pearls, and was to wear them as +the only ornament that could with any propriety be bestowed on her. It +happened that Marian had a remarkably fine set of pearls. She had few +jewels of any kind; but these had been her grandmother's, and there +was some tradition belonging to them which no one ever could remember. +Janet's necklace was so much less pretty, that Marian could not help +exclaiming that Clara had better wear hers. Clara demurred, for she knew +Marian relied on these pearls to help out a dress which had seen more +than one London party; but it ended in Marian's having her own way, and +being contemptuous at the gratitude with which her loan was received. +Yet she was surprised to find that it was a relief to her that Mrs. +Lyddell departed a little from her cold politeness, and showed herself +really pleased and obliged. + +Certainly, if Mrs. Lyddell had not in some degree relaxed, those two +days would have been very forlorn. As it was, it was very odd to sit +down to dinner with only Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot, and to have no +one but Mrs. Lyddell to speak to in the drawing-room. She was glad when +the day came, to have it over; and she was not sufficiently hard-hearted +to regret that it was as fine as could be wished. To High Down they +went, and everything was just as Marian had expected,--every one walked +about and idled, and wondered when the shooting would begin; and when +it did begin, no one paid much attention to it except those who were +interested in some of the competitors. Marian watched her pupil +anxiously, and Clara, between excitement and nervousness, shot much +worse than if she had been in the garden at home, and went so wide of +the mark, that Marian was ashamed of her. Caroline did better, but not +well; and the prize was of course borne off by Miss Grimley, who was +popularly reported to have arrows enough to stock the quivers of two or +three cupids. + +Clara ran up to Marian, and walked with her a little while; telling her +all that had come to pass during the last two days,--a great deal of +bustle, and merriment, and nonsense, which Clara seemed to have enjoyed +excessively, and of which Marian could have said, "Every one to his +taste." Of Caroline she saw little or nothing; and after wandering +about in the rear of Mrs. Lyddell, and exchanging a great many cold +salutations, and colder sentences of small-talk, she was very glad to +find herself once more in the carriage, though it was only to go home, +dine and dress for the ball, and then High Down again. + +She wore white, with jet ornaments, and a row of pearls round her +hair,--the only thing that saved her from being rather shabbily dressed +than otherwise. However, Mrs. Lyddell had long since announced that she +had done saying anything about Marian's dress, and Fanny had not been a +ladies' maid long enough to grow into a tyrant; so that she had her own +way, and no one repeated to her, what she knew full well, that her white +silk was yellow where it swept the ground, and the lace did not stand +out as freshly as once it did. + +Mrs. Lyddell and Elliot talked and laughed all the way, quizzing the +company very sociably, and both appearing in the highest spirits. Mr. +Lyddell was asleep in his corner; Marian with her forehead against the +window, and her thoughts with Gerald. They reached High Down in the +midst of a stream of carriages; and Marian, in her plain white, had to +walk into the ball-room with Elliot, who had completed his offences in +her eyes, by daring to assume the dress of Sir Philip Sidney. She soon, +however, was free of him, for he liked her as little as she liked him, +and moreover had to go and perform his part in the noted Kenilworth +quadrille. Marian was left standing by Mrs. Lyddell, as she usually did, +through the greater part of a ball; for as she never waltzed, there +were few dances in which she could take a part. She had made half the +Oakworthy neighbours afraid of her; and Mrs. Lyddell, having found that +all activity in the way of being a useful chaperon was thrown away, had +acquiesced in leaving her to herself, "doing her justice" sufficient by +taking her to the ball. + +Marian was entertained by the pageant, as she deemed it. It was a very +pretty scene, with so many gay dresses, in the bright light; and it was +amusing to recognise her acquaintances in the wonderful costumes some +of them had seen fit to assume. She would have liked some one to +laugh with, at a shepherdess dancing, crook and all; and she highly +appreciated a good-natured old gentleman, who was willing to do +anything, however absurd, that could please his friends, and had come +out as my grave Lord Keeper himself, with + + "His bushy beard and shoe-strings green, + His high-crowned hat and satin-doublet." + +Caroline looked more like a beauty than she had ever seen her before. +Her fair ringlets and white neck had a peculiar elegance, set off by the +delicate fan-like ruff, and graceful head-gear of the Countess Amy. The +only fault that Marian could find was, that poor Amy never could have +looked as if she had so much mind as Caroline's countenance expressed. +As to her partner, Marian did not behold him with very different +feelings, from those with which she would have regarded the real Earl +of Leicester, could she have had one peep at the actual pageant of +Kenilworth, with its outward pomp, masking the breaking hearts beneath. +Thereupon she fell deep into musings on "Kenilworth," which she had read +at home, when, so young and unlearned in novels as not to have a guess +at what would happen, when it was all a wonder and fairy-land of +delight, and when poor Tressilian's name of Edmund had been his first +charm in her eyes, even before she loved him for his deep character and +melancholy fate. She thought how unlike all this common-place world was +to the world it aped--how far these Raleighs and Sidneys were from being +worthy to usurp the name even for one evening! and as to Tressilian, how +impossible to see any face here that would even shadow her idea of him! +And yet she did not know; she might have to change her mind. There +actually was a countenance handsome, thoughtful, almost melancholy +enough for Tressilian himself, with the deep dark eyes, pale, clear, +sun-burnt, brown complexion, and jetty hair that befitted her hero; a +short beard and dark dress would have completed him, but she almost +thought it a pity that such a face should appear above a scarlet coat +and gold epaulettes. + +However, Tressilian had been moving towards the end of the room where +she was standing, and was coming so near that she could not study him +after the first; so she turned to speak to Miss Faulkner, who had +finished her quadrille, and just as a polka was commencing, she was +surprised by finding Tressilian himself standing by her, and asking to +have the honour of dancing with her. + +"Thank you, I don't dance the Polka," she replied; and as she spoke +quick flashes of thought crossed her thus--"I have not been introduced +to him--I have met him before--how horrid of Tressilian's face to talk +of polkas--ha! it is Edmund!" + +Edmund Arundel's eye it was that was glancing at her with a look of +great amusement at her bewilderment. + +"The next quadrille," he proceeded, in the same ceremonious voice. + +"O Edmund, Edmund, I did not know you in the least! Who would have +thought of seeing you here?" + +"Why not? Did you not know we were asked?" + +"Asked? yes; but who would have come who could have helped it?" + +"I wanted particularly to see you." Then, after speaking to Mrs. +Lyddell, he turned to her again, and resumed, "But am I not to have the +pleasure of dancing the next quadrille with you?" + +"If it is any pleasure to you, I am sure you are very welcome." + +"In the mean time, what is the meaning of your not being amongst the +performers? You used to be a capital shot." + +"I? O, of course I could not shoot before all the world." + +"Well, I was in hopes my pupil had been doing me credit; so much so, +that I tried very hard to make that lady with the silver arrow into +you, and--" as Marian looked at Miss Grimley's thin, freckled face, and +reddish, sandy locks, and could not help smiling, he continued, "when +that would not quite do, I went on trying to turn each maid of honour +into you, till, just as I gave you up, I saw young Dashwood fixed in +contemplation; and well he might be, for there was something so majestic +as could be nothing but Zenobia, Queen of the East, or Miss Arundel +herself." + +"Majestic! nonsense! nothing can feel less majestic." + +"Then decidedly you are not what you seem." + +"I was trying all the time to make you into Tressilian, only your red +coat was in the way. You know I never saw you in it before." + +"And so you have given up archery?" + +"O, no! I shoot at home; only I cannot make a spectacle of myself,--I +hate the whole thing so much." + +"And you would not wear a fancy dress?" + +"You see I am in mourning." + +"Why, who is dead?" + +"Don't you know? Old Mr. Thomas Marchmont." + +"Yes, and his great-grandfather likewise! Well, you certainly are +inclined to make the most of your connection with the peerage," + +"Edmund!" and for the first time Marian felt as if she had been making +herself more foolish than magnanimous. He gave his arm and they walked +along together. He presently began abruptly, "What I came here for was +to consult you about a plan for Gerald. You see I shall never get at him +unless I have him alone. Now I don't like to take him away from you for +the holidays, but I do not see how it is to be managed otherwise." + +"I don't do him any good now," said Marian sadly. + +"What I thought of was this; I find I can get leave for two months this +summer. Now suppose I was to take him to Marchmont's grouse shooting +place in Scotland, and about among the Highlands and Islands. Perhaps +the pleasure of that excursion would make up for the being carried off +by an awful guardian, and those scrambles might bring him to the old +footing with me." + +"O it would be very nice to have him with you," said Marian; "but----" + +"Well, what is the but?" + +"I don't know, only would not taking him home be more likely to revive +old associations than anything else?" + +"No," answered Edmund most decidedly; then in a more hesitating manner, +as if casting about for reasons, he added, "I mean he was at home last +year--it would not appear so inviting as this expedition--it would be +giving every one a great deal of trouble." + +"To have the Manor House set to rights--yes--but just a week at the +Parsonage--just to revive the old feelings with you. For you to teach +him how to behave to the Fern Torr people." + +"No," repeated Edmund, "it would not do." + +He spoke in a manner that made Marian look up in his face with surprise, +and exclaim as if hurt, "Then you are really casting off poor old Fern +Torr." + +The next moment she was sorry she had said so, for his namesake in +"Kenilworth" could never have worn a more melancholy aspect than he, as +he answered in a very low voice of deep feeling, "I am the last man in +the world to be reproached with too little affection for Fern Torr." + +Marian was grieved, surprised, confused, but she had no time to find an +answer, for the quadrille was forming, Edmund began a search for _vis à +vis_, and she found herself dancing before she had made up her mind what +she should have said if she could have replied at once; but it was too +late to return to the subject, and she thought it best to begin entirely +another, by asking, the next time they were standing still, how he liked +the officers of his new regiment. + +"Very much, most of them," replied Edmund; "one or two are particularly +nice people." + +"Do you like any as well as Captain Gresham or--" + +"New friends are not old ones," quickly answered Edmund. + +"O no, but if you knew them as well, are there any equally worthy to be +liked? I want you to be comfortable there very much, as it is all our +fault." + +"Don't say any more of that, Marian. Thank you, I am very +comfortable--they are a very pleasant set." + +"Are there any of them here?" + +"Yes, three of them." + +_L'Eté_ cut short his speech, and when they paused again he began, "I +mean you to dance with Dashwood--there that rosy tall boy standing +partnerless behind the lady in a Swiss fly-away cap." + +"O I see," said Marian. + +"Yes, and don't be high and mighty with him." + +"High and mighty, when I am only shy." + +"Effects are seen, causes are not equally on the surface." + +"O Edmund!" + +"Well, he is a very nice right-minded boy, very shy himself; so don't +be grand, for I have a great regard for him, and I want him to have a +pleasant evening." + +Marian was considerably frightened by being told to be agreeable, the +thing which of all others she thought the most difficult; but she would +attempt anything for the sake of obliging Edmund, and making no answer, +consoled herself with thinking how far off the next quadrille was. In +the mean time, whilst she danced in the most business-like and least +pleasure-like way possible, she was pondering on what she had to say on +her own account to her cousin, and when the quadrille was over and he +took her to the supper room in quest of ices, she eagerly began, "Then +you think me wrong about my fancy dress?" + +"Shall I give your own favourite reply?" + +"Don't you think it a good thing to avoid all this folly and expense?" + +"And to prove Miss Arundel's lofty contempt for finery and foolery?" + +"I do not want to set myself up, but how am I to help thinking all this +nonsense?" + +"A hard question, since no one attempts to say it is far otherwise; but +after all, everything in this world is nonsense, except as a means of +doing right or wrong." + +"And you do not think I made this nonsense a means of doing right?" + +"If it had been any body else, I should have admired, but I do not trust +_you_. However I know nothing about it, I cannot judge of the amount of +sacrifice. Cream ice or water ice?" + +They could not converse any more just then, and in the next polka, +Clara, who not being come out, was not well off for partners, was +extremely honoured and delighted by being asked to dance by Mr. Arundel. +When the turn of a quadrille came round again, Edmund, as good as his +word, introduced to Marian his youthful ensign, and she, dreadfully +afraid of not obeying Edmund by being agreeable to his friend, set +herself to talk with all her might; told him what some of the costumes +were intended to represent, speculated as to the others, found him +very pleasant, and ended by making him consider his friend's cousin as +delightful as she was handsome, and he had been very much impressed with +her countenance. She saw Edmund was well pleased to see him looking +animated and gratified, and the consequence was that she had to dance +with another of his brother officers, and after all it had not been by +any means such hard work to be amiable as she was apt to imagine. At any +rate she never liked a ball so well, but then she had never met Edmund +at any other, which might account for it. After the last quadrille, Mrs. +Lyddell summoned her to come home, they took their leave of Caroline and +Clara, whom Mrs. Lyddell promised to fetch to-morrow: Lady Julia was +particularly full of empressement and affection, delighted that dear +Caroline had been looking so lovely. She even came out with them to the +cloak-room, where her son was assiduous in shawling Mrs. Lyddell, and +all manner of civilities seemed to be passing among them in a low voice, +while Edmund having disengaged Marian's shawl from the surrounding +drapery, said, as he put it round her, "Then it is settled that I take +Gerald and try to do for the best?" + +"O if you are so kind--" + +"Don's trust too much to it. I will try, which is all I can do." + +"No one can do him any good if you cannot." + +"Hush! And I must thank you for taking my scolding in such good part." + +"I deserved it." + +"I have since been thinking you are probably right. I am sure you are +in the principle of the thing. It was the particular application that +startled me." + +Mrs. Lyddell moved on, the carriage was at the door, they were all in +it, Elliot of course last, and as he threw himself back in his corner +and the door was shut, he exclaimed in a satisfied tone, "Well! he is +coming it pretty strong!" Who was coming what? thought Marian, but her +suspense did not last long, for Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell both chimed in +with exclamations of satisfaction which left no doubt that they were +delighting themselves in the prospect of seeing Caroline mistress of +High Down. Marian had been in some slight degree prepared for this, she +knew Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell would highly approve, nay, consider such a +marriage as fulfilling their highest expectations, such an establishment +as all that could be wished; and depending as she did on Caroline's +principle and right feeling, she was sorry to think how much vexation +and worrying was in store for her. As she sat disregarded and forgotten +through that long dark drive, hearing all the eager gratulations and +anticipations of her three companions, regarding a marriage which she +could not think of without a sort of horror, how did she despise them, +feel imprisoned, and long to make her escape. She had not the least +doubt as to what Caroline would do; her rejection of such a man was a +matter of certainty; but Marian was vexed with her for having allowed +herself to become so intimate with the Faulkners, and thought she had +brought on herself all the annoyances that would follow. + +Tired, irritated, excited, Marian was very glad to escape from the +carriage, wish the rest good night, and run up to her own room. She sat +before her glass, slowly brushing out her long dark hair, and trying +to bring home her feverish thoughts, and dwell on what had passed, +especially with Edmund, on whom she had not yet had time to think, and +of all those hints of his, as to her behaviour in this matter. Had he +approved it or not? or would he if he had known all the circumstances? +There was something that struck her a good deal in his saying "I cannot +judge of the amount of sacrifice." Had it been a sacrifice to wear a +plain dress, to abstain from archery? It would have been, to Clara, but +was it to her? and as she looked at the two grey volumes, with their +store of pretty engravings and pleasant reading which lay on her table, +and thought that they were her own for life, and that Anne Clifford's +dress would now be laid aside and useless for ever after the archery +prize, if she had won it, would be worthless, and the admiration, +had she valued it, passed from her ears, she could not feel, for one +instant, that it had been a sacrifice. Then again came his words, "every +thing in this world is nonsense, except as a means of doing right or +wrong." Yes, pretty books, pleasant pictures, taste and intellect were +in themselves as little precious as dress and finery, things as fleeting +when compared with eternity, except so far as they trained the soul +and the higher faculties which _might_ endure for ever. She thought of +"Whether there he prophecies, they shall fail, whether there be tongues, +they shall cease, whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away." +All was a shadow except that charity which never faileth, a beautiful +picture, even as a costly dress! the way we treat these things alone +enduring. Her head throbbed as she tried to be certain as to whether she +had acted right. If the dress had required the money set apart for the +poor she would have been perfectly clear about it, but she knew it +need not have done so. Would her vanity have been gratified? Decidedly +not--admiration of her face was so distasteful to her proud shrinking +bashfulness, that she felt it like an insult when reported to her, and +could almost have wished not to be so handsome, if it had not been more +agreeable to an artist-like eye to see a tolerable physiognomy in the +glass, when obliged to look there, and besides she would not but be like +the Arundels, and was well satisfied with the consciousness of having +their features, as indeed she would have been if their noses had been +turned up and their "foreheads villainous low." If _her_ vanity was +gratified, it was by standing apart from, and being able to look down on +the rest of the world; and as Marian became conscious of this, her mind +turned from it with the vexation of spirit, the disgust and sensation of +dislike, and willingness to forget all about it, that every one is apt +to feel with regard to a vanity passed away--something analogous to the +contempt and dislike with which we turn from the withered shreds of +tangible vanity, faded and crumpled artificial flowers, and tumbled +gauze ribbon when disinterred from some dusty and forgotten corner. No +feeling is much more unpleasant than the loathing of an old vanity; and +though this of Marian's was not yet old, yet that touch of Edmund's +which had shown her how he regarded her "high-and-mightiness," had made +her very much ashamed of it. Then came the question whether it was, +after all, self-will that had actuated her, pride and self-will, leading +her contrary to every one's wishes, where she was not sure that she was +fulfilling a duty. Again, on the other hand, there was this point about +the Faulkner family, her dislike to them was founded on principle; +indeed it was not dislike, for she allowed their agreeableness of +manner, it was disapproval; it was determination not to enter into +anything approaching to intimate acquaintance with a man whom she +believed to be little better than an infidel. If Edmund knew this, would +not he think her right? But then to be consistent, she should not have +accepted his hospitality in any degree; she ought not to have gone to +the ball, nor ever to have dined at his house. How far was she called on +to set her face against him, how far was she independent, how far was +obedience to the Lyddells a duty? This must be for a question for Edmund +another time, and she hoped that Caroline's refusal would put an end +to the intercourse. Nor were these all her reflections. She thought of +Edmund and his kindness to Gerald, and the hopes, nay the confidence +which it revived in her, setting her mind fully at rest about her +precious brother, for in spite of Edmund's despondency, she could not +help trusting entirely to the renewal of his influence; for who was +like Edmund? Who so entirely treated, as well as spoke of, the world as +nothing except as a means of doing right or wrong? + +But then that he should be out of spirits, as she had more plainly than +ever perceived to-night, in spite of the gaiety he had at first assumed, +his manner of replying when she pressed him to go to Fern Torr, and his +absolute avoidance of it, struck and puzzled her much as well as grieved +her. She knew his loneliness, and could understand that he might be +melancholy, but why he should shrink from the home he so loved was +beyond what she could fathom. + +She knew Clara would laugh at her for his having come so many miles on +her account. Yes, quite sure that it was nonsense. Edmund had talked +of coming to see her, so openly, he had laughed at and blamed her so +uncompromisingly, that she had no doubt that he had not the least +inclination to fall in love with her. She had the best of elder brothers +in him, and he would take care of Gerald, and, happy in her confidence +she fell asleep. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + "What is that which I should turn to, lighting upon days like these? + Every door is barr'd with gold and opens but to golden keys. + * * * * * + "Yearning for the large excitement that the coming years would yield, + Eager hearted as a boy when he first leaves his father's field." + + TENNYSON. + + +Marian was not up much later than usual the next morning, but she had +a long time to wait for the rest of the party. She read, wrote, drew, +tried to busy herself as usual all the morning, but whether it was that +she was tired with her ball, or that she was anxious about Caroline, +she did not prosper very much, and grew restless and dissatisfied. She +wished she knew whether she had done right, she wished she could feel +that she had been kind and accommodating. + +Her head was dull and heavy from the struggle to occupy herself when her +mind was full, and after luncheon she tried to drive her stupidity away +by a very long ride. Groom and horses were always at her service, as a +part of Mrs. Lyddell's justice to her, and off she set, in search of +breezes, to the highest and furthest downs, by her attainable. On she +went, cantering fast, feeling her power over her spirited pony, letting +the summer sun shine full on her face, and the wind, when she had ridden +where she could meet it, stream in a soft ripple round her head, like +the waves of the summer tide. She rode far enough to attain the object +she had proposed to herself, namely, to look down on Salisbury spire, +pointing up in its green valley with the fresh meadows around it, giving +a sense of refreshment, repose and holy influence, which her eye carried +to her mind. Good men had raised that pile, had knelt there, sung +in praise there, and now lay asleep within its grey walls and shady +cloisters; men and women who had been to the full as much wearied and +perplexed with sin and worldliness around them as she could ever feel; +they had struggled through, their worn and fainting hearts had rested +there, and now their time of peace was come. Why should it not be so +with her? + +Ah! but things were changed; in their time there was energy; there were +great crimes indeed, but the Church was active. The bad was very bad, +but the good was very good, there were real broad questions then of +right and wrong, not the coldness and frivolity, where all was so +worthless that there was scarce a possibility of caring or seeing which +part was the right. + +No, Marian would not accuse the time in which she was born, and the +station to which it had pleased God to call her. Mr. Wortley had warned +her against that. She had a Church, the one true holy Catholic Church, +as surely and truly, nay, the very same that those men of old had, and +was as much bound to love it, serve it, fight for it in her own way, as +ever they had felt themselves. Life, truth, goodness, there was still, +she saw it, knew it, felt it in some; and though there was little of it +in her immediate home, so little as to make her heart faint, she knew +that + + "Israel yet has thousands sealed + Who to Baal never kneeled." + +If there was this frivolity, this deadness and chilliness about these +present days, she knew it was a temptation long since prophesied of, as +about to grow on the world "when, the love of many should wax cold," but +the help and the hope were never to fail, and while she might but grasp +after them, she had enough to do, and need not feel faint and weary. + +Her ride had done her good, her sensation of bodily lassitude and mental +stupidity had been driven off by the active exercise which had produced +a more wholesome kind of fatigue, and the temper which tended to +discontent had partly gone with them, partly been chased away by +reflection in a right spirit. As she was entering the park, Elliot, also +on horseback, came up in time to profit by the same opening of the gate. + +"Are you but just come home, Marian?" said he, "I thought I was very +late." + +"I don't know what o'clock it is, but I see the sun is getting low." + +"Have not you been at High Down?" + +"No, I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"To Beacon Hill! That _is_ a ride! And you have not seen any of them +since they came home?" + +"No, I have been out all the afternoon." + +"Well, I have a notion you will have something to hear. I dare say you +have some idea. Catch a young lady not up to a thing like that." + +A cold horror and disgust came over Marian, and she would not make a +single inquiry, but Elliot went on. + +"So you will ask no questions? I believe you are in the secret the whole +time." + +"No, I am not." + +"No? You will never persuade me that you are not. Why, what else can you +ladies sit up half the night talking about in your bed rooms?" + +Marian despised him too much to deny. + +"Then do you really mean to profess," said Elliot, turning full towards +her, so as to look her in the face in what she deemed an impertinent +way, "that you cannot guess the news that is waiting for you?" + +For once in her life she could not say "I don't know," and her answer +was a very cold "I believe I do;" while in the meantime she was almost +feeling, and quite looking, as if she could have cut off his bead. His +disagreeableness was the one present pain, but behind it was undefined +consternation, for she perceived that, at any rate, he did not think +Caroline had refused Mr. Faulkner. + +"You keep your congratulations till it is formally announced," said he +maliciously, still looking at her, though few save himself could have +failed to be abashed by the firm, severe expression of her dark eyes, +and lips compressed into all the sternness of the Queen of Olympus. + +Happily they were so close to the house that Marian, who would not deign +a reply, could avoid him without absolute rudeness. She threw her rein +to the groom, and sprung to the ground before Elliot had time to offer +his assistance, then ran hastily across the hall just as Clara was +coming out of the drawing-room. + +"Why, Elliot!" cried Clara meeting her brother, "you have not been +riding with Marian?" + +"With Marian? No, I thank you! I only met with her at the gate, and have +been spoiling your market." + +"You don't mean that you have been telling her?" cried Clara; "O I +wanted to have been first." + +"Precious little thanks you'll get!" said Elliot; but Clara, without +attending to him, flew up stairs after Marian, who had reached her room, +and while Fanny was endeavouring to get her dressed in time for dinner, +was trying to collect her dismayed thoughts. She would not believe +Caroline so foolish, nay, so wicked as to accept him, yet if it could +possibly be true, what in the world should she say or do which way +should she look, or how should she answer? In the midst of her first +confusion in danced Clara, with a face full of delight at having +something to tell, then looking blank at Fanny's presence. + +"Marian--my dear Marian--what do you think?" was her first eager +beginning, then changing into "How--how late you are--where have you +been! I really thought you had been out with Elliot," and she laughed. + +"I only fell in with him at the gate. I have been to Beacon Hill." + +"Have you indeed? O I wish you had come with mamma! So Elliot has +been provoking, and told you," she added, stopping there, and looking +significant. + +Marian glanced at Fanny, and shook her head. She was very glad she had +such a protector, to give her time to collect her thoughts, but this was +not easy, for Clara went rattling on in an eager discursive way about +all sorts of things, the archery, the dancing, the partners, the +dresses, hardly knowing what she said, nor Marian either, fidgeting +about, trying to expedite the dressing, and looking most impatient, till +at last Marian, anxious to know what had really taken place, pitying her +eagerness, and willing to have it over, hurried the fastening of her +dress, and arranging of her lace, and told Fanny to leave them. + +"O Marian! Marian! what a shame of Elliot to have told you all about it. +Did you expect it?" + +"He only half told me," replied Marian, "but make haste, Clara, let me +hear. Is Caroline really engaged?" + +"Yes--yes--O yes! and every one is so delighted, Lady Julia, and Julia +and Louisa, and all!" + +"And she has accepted him?" + +"O yes to be sure--at least--yes, only you know it is too soon to settle +when they will be married. What a charming wedding it will be, won't +it, Marian?--you and I find Julia and Louisa, and their cousins will be +bridesmaids O! how delightful it will be. And then I shall come out." + +"But Clara, Clara, don't be wild, do tell me all about it." + +"Ah! you see you missed something by not coming to stay there as we did. +And to tell you a great secret, Marian, Louisa says she really believes +that it was you that her brother thought of, when he first accepted +Elliot's invitation to come and stay here." + +"Nonsense," said Marian, though her colour would rise. + +"And he had not seen Caroline then, Louisa says," proceeded Clara, but +there she got into an inextricable confusion, and was not speedy in +stammering out of it, having suddenly remembered that it was no great +compliment to tell Marian that Louisa had said how glad they all were +that it was not Miss Arundel. Marian cut the hesitation short by saying, +"You have not told me when it was settled, or how you heard it." + +"It was settled last night after you were gone--in the conservatory-- +such a pretty place for a love affair, as Louisa says--at least I mean +he asked her, but I don't think she gave him any real regular answer-- +no, certainly she did not." + +"Did you know of it that evening?" + +"O yes, Louisa and I had great fun in watching him all day, and all the +day before, we saw it all quite plain." + +"But did Caroline tell you that night?" + +"Yes, of course she did. She could not have kept it from me, you know, +for I began to laugh at her the minute we came up, and asked her if she +had not been delightfully employed, and you should have seen what a +colour she grew directly." + +"And what did she say?" asked Marian very anxiously, almost hoping it +might prove that Caroline's acceptance might have been taken for granted +without having been really given. + +"I don't exactly remember what she said, she was very grave and said it +was no laughing matter, or something of that kind, and she walked up and +down and begged me to be quiet and let her think." + +"Well!" + +"Then I begged her only to let me know if he had proposed, and what she +had said, and she told me she had said nothing--she could not tell--she +must have time, and then she leant her head against the side of the bed, +and said she wished she knew what to do! And when I tried to cheer her +up, and said how delightful it would be----" + +"O Clara, how could you?" broke from Marian. + +"Ah! I know you can't bear the Faulkners, but you must now, for they +will be your cousins, you know, Marian. And I assure you I did not say +anything silly, I said it was not only that Mr. Faulkner is handsome and +rich, that would not be anything, you know, but he is so sensible and so +agreeable, and kind, and good tempered, and we are all so fond of him, +and the Faulkners all so fond of her, and it would be so very nice to +have her close to us, and mamma would be so charmed. Well, poor dear +girl, she did not sleep at all that night, and this morning she only +wanted, if she could, to have sent a note for us to be sent for to come +home to breakfast, but that could not be, you know, and when we came +down, Lady Julia was so kind and affectionate, and kissed her and said +she was tired, and took her to lie on the sofa, in the little boudoir. +Lady Julia sat with her there first, and then Mr. Faulkner came, and +stayed with her a long, long time." + +"O!" sighed Marian, "was it settled then?" + +"Not exactly settled, but somewhere about three o'clock, Mr. Faulkner +ordered his horse, and rode out to find papa, and then Caroline ran up +to our room, and bolted the door, and said she could not let me in, +but just then mamma came and went up to her, and it was all joy and +congratulation through the whole house. Mr. Faulkner came back and papa +with him. But dear me, there is the second bell! Come, Marian! O, I do +so wish you had been there." + +If Marian had been there, perhaps things would not have been exactly as +they were at present, though this was very far from what Clara intended +by her wish. Marian had done infinite mischief by the severity which had +weakened the only home influence excepting Walter's which held Caroline +to the right. Caroline respected her extremely, but the confidence and +affection which had been growing up slowly but surely out of that root +of esteem, had been grievously dulled and blighted, and at a most +critical time. It had in fact been almost killed down to the ground, and +though the root was a healthy one, and might yet shoot forth again, +the opportunity had been missed when it might have been turned to good +account. + +Caroline knew Mr. Faulkner not to be a religious man, and her better +principles warned her against him; but on the other hand she really +liked his manners extremely, her heart was warmed towards him by his +preference and expressions of affection, and she did not know whether +she loved him already or not, or whether she should allow herself to +love him, as he was sure she could do. She had been used to a world +where the service of GOD was not the first object; she had always lived +with men whose thoughts and time were otherwise engrossed, and though +she might regret what she saw, her standard had been lowered, and she +was far less inclined to hold aloof front one whom her conscience did +not approve, than if she had been accustomed to see everything desirable +in her own family; in those whom nature and duty obliged her to love and +respect. + +By the Faulkners she was greeted with such kindness as to win her heart, +and she thought the power she would enjoy at High Down would enable her +to set things on a footing there, on which she could never place them at +home; she could not fail to be happy with Mr. Faulkner; she might work +upon his mind, if he loved her as he said he did. Still there stood the +great unanswerable obstacle, the three words, "It is wrong!" If she +stood alone, if there was no family on either side, she could, she would +refuse, but dismay seized on her when she thought of the displeasure, +the persecution at home if she rejected him; on the other hand she +shrank from ingratitude for the kindness of the Faulkners. There was +Clara putting her in mind of all that could bias her in his favour, +rejoicing already, saying how all the family would rejoice. + +O that interval, that night! if Marian had but stood there with the +grave, earnest, heartfelt voice that repelled all sophistry with the +wonted "I don't know," if the dark eyes had been there to look with +contempt on all but the "right," and to fill with tears, the more +touching because so rare, as her tenderness, her deep feeling would +have been called out by the sensation of seeing and aiding a friend to +struggle nobly against a temptation, if Caroline had felt and seen the +superiority, the loveableness of real, true, uncompromising regard for +right, and right alone, if she had been by one touch made to partake +of the horror Marian felt of any failure in faith, then all the innate +strength and nobleness of her character might have been awakened, and +she would have clung to "the right" at any cost, supported, carried +through by Marian's approval and sympathy, keeping her up to feel that +higher approval was with her. + +But alas! alas! Marian was at a distance, and her image had at present +connected itself with harshness and haughtiness. She might be good; +but such goodness did not invite imitation; she did not appear half as +agreeable as the Faulkners. Caroline turned away from the recollection +of her, was all night and all the morning distressed, undecided, and +vacillating; then came Lady Julia's affection, her lover pressing his +suit, she hardly knew what she had said, but she found her consent +was assumed, both families were rejoicing in it, she found herself +considered to be engaged, and she returned home bewildered at all that +had passed, flattered, almost intoxicated with the attention of various +kinds paid her by every one, at High Down, and when her wonted dread of +Marian's disapproving eye would return, hardening herself against it +with the thought that Marian could not make every one as Utopian as +her own Edmund and Fern Torr, that she was proud and determined in +prejudice, and after all what right had she to interfere? Of Walter, +Caroline did not dare to think. + +Marian came down with Clara, wearing a rigid company countenance, +expressing more of indifference than of anything else; she would not +look at Caroline lest her eye should seem to judge her, and only by +furtive glances perceived that she looked pale, worn and wearied. There +was talk about the ball going on all dinner-time, but Caroline hardly +put in a word, and Marian's were not many. Directly after dinner +Caroline said she was tired, and should lie down till tea-time; she went +and Mrs. Lyddell, taking Marian by the hand, exclaimed, "Now, Marian, I +must be congratulated. I suppose Clara has told you all about it." + +"Yes, Clara told me," said Marian, resolved not to offend except where +she could not avoid it without sacrificing truth. + +"You could scarcely be surprised," said Mrs. Lyddell. "It has been +evident for a long time. Dear Caroline! Well, I am sure this is a +satisfaction! Settled so near home, and family and connection exactly +what could be wished; and so extremely fond of her." + +"Yes, Lady Julia is very fond of her." + +Mrs. Lyddell was too much rejoiced herself not to take sympathy for +granted. The point, on which Caroline's scruples were founded, and which +caused Marian's dislike, had never even occurred to her: she lived +little, or rather not at all, in Marian's confidence, and really did not +know that she disliked the Faulkners more than any one else, since her +manners were so universally distant, that a little ungraciousness more +or less was not very visible to a casual observer like Mrs. Lyddell. +That same ordinary coldness and undemonstrativeness which had never +thawed to Mrs. Lyddell was the reason that the entire absence of any +expression of gladness or congratulation was not remarked, or at least +only taken as her way, and besides at the bottom of her heart, Mrs. +Lyddell was very much obliged to Marian for the repelling manner which +had left the field to her daughter. So Marian got very well through +half an hour's interview, without giving offence; but she feared the +_tête-à-tête_ with Caroline, and resolved as much as possible to avoid +it, since she could do no good, and did not think it right to express +her sentiments unless they were positively called for. Disappointed in +Caroline, grieved, giving her up for lost, yet loving and pitying her, +she had rather never meet her again, certainly not have any confidential +intercourse with her. + +She need not have feared: Caroline was quite as much inclined to avoid +her as she could be to avoid Caroline; by mutual consent they shunned +being left alone together, and talked of indifferent matters if they +were, for there was not familiarity enough for silence. When with the +others Caroline was the same as usual, lively, agreeable, obliging; +perhaps, and Marian thought it strange, a shade gayer than her wont. In +her behaviour to Mr. Faulkner every one agreed that she was exactly the +right thing, quiet and sensible, and, as people said, "evidently so very +much attached to him." Marian would have given worlds to know what was +passing in her secret soul, but the right of reading there was gone. +What did Walter think? To this also there was no answer; if he wrote, +Marian heard nothing about his letter, and he did not come home. He was +to be ordained in the autumn to a curacy in a large manufacturing town +in the north of England, and in the meantime he was staying there with +one of the other curates, helping in the schools, and learning something +of the work before him. There was not a doubt in Marian's mind that his +sister's engagement must be a great sorrow to him, and that this was the +reason why he would not come home, even for a short visit. For Caroline, +so really good, right thinking and excellent as she was, so far above +the general tone of her family, wilfully to place herself in such a +situation, to cast away all the high and true principles with which she +had once been imbued, was too sad and grievous to be borne by one who +loved her as Marian, did all the time, and how much worse it must be for +her brother? + +Yes, little did most of those who saw Marian's unmoved, marble +countenance, and heard her stiff, formal words, guess at the intensity +of feeling beneath, which to those who knew her best was betokened by +that very severity; how acutely she was suffering for the future before +Caroline, how strong were the impulses to plead with her once more, how +sick and loathing her heart felt at the manner in which this hateful +connection was treated by all around. If that reserve could, or ought +to, have been broken, Marian would have astonished them all. + +If her former anxieties about Gerald had been as of old, she really did +not know how she could have endured them in addition to all this; but +while she was at ease about him nothing could quite overwhelm her. And +she was very happy about him; Mr. Lyddell had readily consented to the +Highland plan, and Gerald was so enchanted that he forgot all his former +fears of Edmund, saw in him only a fellow-sportsman, and when he wrote +to tell his sister of the project, decorated his letter with a portrait +of the holidays, every one of the thirty-seven days represented in a +sort of succession of clouds one behind the other, in each of which +Gerald was doing something delightful,--boating, shooting, bagging his +game, and enjoying an infinite variety of sports, the invention and +representation of which did considerable credit to his ingenuity. On the +very day after the Eton election, he met Edmund in London, and they set +off together to spend the time before the ecstatic twelfth of August in +visits to the Trosachs, to Fingal's cave and every other Scottish wonder +of note. + +Lionel returned alone, and the first thing he said as he skimmed his hat +across the hall table was, "There! thank goodness, I shan't touch a book +again these five weeks!" Every one asked after his eyes, but they told +their own story, for they were considerably inflamed, and so evidently +out of order that Mrs. Lyddell herself grew anxious, and the apothecary, +Mr. Wells, was sent for. He spoke of their having been over tried by the +school work, advised complete rest, and sent his mixture to bathe them, +which in a day or two reduced the inflammation, made them comfortable, +and restored them to their ordinary appearance, so that all anxiety +passed off again. + +Marian, like the others, dismissed the fear, though a flash of +apprehension now and then crossed her mind. She was more with Lionel +than the others, they had always been great allies, and at present were +more thrown together than had ever been the case before. Johnny had been +appointed to a ship which was to sail from Plymouth in a very short +time, and he only came home for two or three days, from the school where +he had been prepared. Mr. Lyddell took him to London for his outfit, and +then on to Plymouth; Mrs. Lyddell was extremely overset, more so than +Marian had thought her capable of being, for Johnny was her favourite, +she regarded him as a victim, and could not bear to expose him to all +the perils of sea and climate. + +Johnny however went to Plymouth, and then there was nothing to be +desired but that he should soon sail, that his mother might settle her +mind, for in the mean time she was nervously anxious and restless, +and could scarcely give her attention to anything, not even to the +Faulkners, far less to what Marian was observing from time to time about +Lionel's eyes. + +Now that John and Gerald were away, Lionel was deprived of his wonted +companions: Elliot did not patronize him, and was besides too busy about +the races to occasion on his own account any home sports in which Lionel +might have taken a share, so that there was no companionship for him +excepting with the young ladies. Caroline's and Clara's time was a great +deal taken up with the Faulkners, and Marian and Lionel were thus left +out by all and almost obliged to make a coalition. + +Lionel haunted the drawing-room in the morning, either talking in the +half-rhodomontade, half-in-earnest fashion of boys of sixteen, or +listening if there was any reading aloud going forward. Clara's readings +with Marian and Caroline had well-nigh fallen to the ground now, and +Caroline almost always spent the morning in her own room, but Marian now +and then caught Clara and managed to get her to do something rational. +More often, however, the reading was on Marian's part to Lionel; he +liked to hear her read scraps of any book she might have in hand, and +she was very merciful to him in the selection, not being by any means +too wise. She read him likewise the new numbers of the periodical tales, +as well as the particulars of the rowing matches and cricket matches, +overcoming for his sake her dislike to touching Elliot's sporting +newspaper. Indeed she had not so forgotten her cricket as not to be very +much interested, to enter into all his notes and comments, and to be as +anxious for the success of Eton as he was himself, so that if she had +been called to give an account of her whole morning's work for three +days, she could have said nothing of it but that she had been studying +the matches at Lord's. + +In the afternoon, if Marian could escape from the drive in the carriage, +they walked or rode together, the latter when it was not too bright a +day, for Lionel avoided the sunshine like an owl; and when in their +walks a sunny field, or piece of down had to be passed, he drew his hat +down and came under the shelter of Marian's parasol, as if he fairly +dreaded the glare. He was very apt too not to recognise people whom they +met, and now and then made such strange mistakes about small objects +near at hand, that though they were laughed at just at the moment, +Marian thought them fearful signs when she recollected them afterwards, +in that half-waking half-sleeping time when she had learnt to entertain +herself with anxieties. Chess or backgammon was the great resource in +the evening, when there was no dining out, and no grand dinner party, +and the number of games Marian played with him were beyond all +reckoning. He played, she thought, more by the touch than the eye, often +feeling the head of a piece to satisfy himself whether it had the king's +crown or the queen's round head, the bishop's mitre or the knight's +ears, but he was so quick and ready that it was impossible to tell how +far the defect of sight went, and she could not bear to ask or awaken +his fears. + +She did not think he had any; she did not believe that he had ever seen +quite as well as other people, and therefore trusted to sight less than +most; and his eyes had been so often ailing, and then better, that he +was not likely to take alarm now. If he had, she believed he would have +told her, for he was very confidential with her, and she often thought +it a great pity that no one else had thought it worth while to enter +into him enough to find out what a right-thinking, sensible boy he was, +and how affectionate he would be if they would only let him. One day, +when they had been taking a long ride together, he began talking about +his intentions for the future. It arose out of some observation about +the value of a tree in a new and an old country. Marian had been +lamenting that no modern houses were ever built with the beautiful +patterns of dark timbers, as we see them in old farm-houses; and Lionel +answering that so much wood could never be afforded in England now. + +"No, you must go to a primeval forest for that," said Marian; "and very +stupid it is of the people in the colonies to build houses as bad or +worse than ours, when they have all the materials for nothing." + +"Well, I will build a famous house when I emigrate," said Lionel; "a +regular model of an old English farm-house it shall be,--stout, and +strong, and handsome,--just to put the people in mind that they do +belong to an old country, after all." + +"When you emigrate, Lionel?" + +"Yes, I really have a great mind to do so, seriously, Marian," and he +rode nearer to her. "I do think it would be the best thing I could do. +Don't you think so?" + +"I don't know," said Marian, considering, while his eager face was +turned towards her. + +"You see," Lionel continued, "we must all do something for ourselves; +and I am sure my eyes will never be fit for study. To be a clergyman is +out of the question for me, even if I was good enough; and so is the +law--" + +"Yes, yes, certainly." + +"Well, then, there is only the army, and there one can't get on without +money. Now you know Elliot has been a monstrous expense to my father of +late, and the times have grown so bad, and everything altogether has +gone wrong; so that I think the only thing for it would be for me to go +off to some new part of the world, where, when I once had a start, my +own head and hands would maintain me,--no thanks to anybody." + +"I dare say it would," said Marian, rather sadly, "I am sure these are +right grounds, Lionel; but it is a terrible severing of all home ties." + +"O, but I should come back again. I should be an Englishman still, and +come back when I had made my fortune." + +"O, Lionel, don't be in a hurry to make a fortune; that spoils every +one." + +"No, no, I am not going to grasp and grub for money; I hate that. Only +if the fortune comes, one does not know how, with cattle, or horses, or +lands--O, Marian, think of being an Australian stockman, riding after +those famous jockeys of wild bulls--hurra!" Lionel rose in his stirrups, +and flourished his whip round his head, so as greatly to amaze his +steed. "There is a life to lead in a great place bigger than all Europe, +instead of being stifled up in this little bit of a poky England, every +profession choke full of people!" + +"Well done, Lionel, you do want a field indeed!" + +"So I do. I hate to be fenced up, and in, every way. I should like to +break out in some fresh place, and feel I had all the world before me! +Then I'll tell you what, Marian," and he spoke with infinite relish, +"suppose matters got a little worse here, and they were all of them +really in distress!" + +"O Lionel!" + +"Well, but listen. Then I should like to come home with all this fortune +that I had made somehow, and get them all on their legs again; buy back +the estate, perhaps, and give it to papa again; and then--and then"--his +voice quivered a little, and his eyes winked, as if the sun had dazzled +them--"see if mamma would not think me worth something, after all!" + +This was the only time Lionel had ever said a word to show that he was +conscious of his mother's disregard of him; and the feeling it called up +made Marian's heart so full that she could not reply. But he wanted no +answer, and went on. "Would not that be worth living for, Marian? But, +after all, that is all nonsense," he added, with a sigh; "at least it is +all a chance. But what I really think is, that I should do much better +for myself and every one else, in one of the colonies; and I have a +great mind to speak to my father about it. By the by, I wish Mr. Arundel +would come here when he has finished his journey with Gerald; I should +like to talk to him about the Cape. I rather fancy the Cape, because of +the lions; and one might have a chance of a row now and then with the +Caffres." + +Marian began telling all she could about the Cape, and from that time +her _tête-à-têtes_ with Lionel were chiefly spent in discussions upon +the comparative merits of the colonies. One thing Lionel was resolved +on. "I will go somewhere where there is a Church within a tolerable +distance,--say twenty miles; that is a short one for a colony, you know, +Marian; for I know I am such a wild fellow, that I should very soon +forget everything good, if I had not something to put me in mind of it. +Or, by the by, Marian, what would be jolly would be to get Walter to go; +I dare say he would, if it was some place where they were very badly off +indeed, with plenty of natives, and all very savage." + +Marian understood quite well enough, to agree that it must be some place +"very badly off indeed" to invite Walter, and Lionel greatly enjoyed the +further arranging of plans for taking care of his intended chaplain, +whom he meant to save from roughing it as much as possible. However, +this might be regarded as a very aerial pinnacle of his castle, the +first foundation of which was yet to be laid, by broaching the subject +to his father. Lionel talked over the proposing it many times with his +counsellor, and at length resolved upon it, with some slight hope that +it might save his eyes from the suffering of another half year at Eton, +which, as the holidays came nearer to an end, he began to dread. + +"You see, Marian," he said, "I do not like to give out, when I can help +it, for they think it shirking, and there was a time when I did shirk; +but a great many times last half, I was nearly mad with the aching and +smarting of my eyes after I had been reading. And all I did was by bits +now and then; for if I went on long the letters danced, and there was a +mist between me and them." + +"I wish you would tell Mr. Lyddell; I am sure it is not fit to go on in +such a way." + +"I have told Wells," answered Lionel. + +A pause--then Lionel said, "I believe papa is in the library; I'll go +and speak to him about the emigration." + +Marian was very anxious to hear the result of the conference, but she +could not find out anything just at first as she had to drive out with +Mrs. Lyddell and Caroline to make calls. In the evening, over the game +at chess, Lionel told her that his father said he should talk to his +mother about it; and two days after he came to her in the hall, saying, +"Come and take a turn in the plantation walk, Marian; 'tis nice and +shady there, and I have something to tell you." + +The something was as follows: "Well, Marian, my father was very kind, +paid something about its being a sensible notion, and that he would see +about it." + +"But are you to go back to Eton?" + +"Yes, that must be; and I must scramble on as best I may. It will be +better at first, after all this rest. It is something gained that the +whole plan is not knocked on the head at once." + +"Then he gives his consent?" + +"Why, he says it will be time to think of it in a year or two, and I +am too young as yet, which is true enough; only, I wish I was to be +learning farming, instead of torturing my eyes with what will be no good +out there. Then he said, as to giving up the army, I need not think that +was necessary, because it was only that he did not want to have two +sons in it, and now Johnny is otherwise disposed of; and, besides Mr. +Faulkner had behaved in such a handsome way about Caroline's fortune.' + +"O!" said Marian. + +"Yes, I don't like that at all," said Lionel. "Johnny always was crazy +to be a sailor, so he is all right, and that is not what I care for; but +I don't want to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner. I had rather Caroline had +her own money, and not that we should all profit by her making this +grand marriage." + +"I should quite feel with you." + +"Marian, we have never talked that over; but I know you cannot bear the +Faulkners." + +"What is the use of asking me, Lionel?" + +"O, I know you can't, as well as if you had said so; and I want to know +how you could let Caroline go and do such a thing?" + +"I? How could I help it?" said Marian smiling, at the boy's assuming +that she had power of which she was far from being conscious. "Besides, +I thought you liked Mr. Faulkner; you, all of you, did nothing but +praise him at Christmas." + +"I did at first, not at last," said Lionel. "Besides, liking a man to go +out shooting with is not the same as liking him to marry one's sister." + +"By no means!" cried Marian, emphatically. "But what made you think ill +of him?" + +"Things I heard him say to Elliot when we were out together." + +"Did Gerald hear them?" asked Marian, very anxiously, as she remembered +what a hero Mr. Faulkner was in her brother's estimation. + +"No, I don't think he did. He certainly was not there the worst time of +all,--the time that gave a meaning to all the rest. Don't you remember +that day when Mr. Faulkner drove Elliot and me in his dog-cart to look +at that horse at Salisbury? I am sure I never praised him after that +day. He said what Elliot never would have said himself--never." + +"How?" Marian could not help asking, though she doubted the next moment +whether it was wise to have done so. + +"Things about--about religion--the Bible," said Lionel, looking down and +mumbling, as if it was with difficulty that he squeezed out the answer. +"Now, you know, I have heard," he added, speaking more freely, "I have +heard people make fun with a text or a name out of the Bible many a +time; and though that is very bad of them, I think they don't mean much +harm by it. Indeed, I have now and then done it myself, and should +oftener, if I had not known how you hated it." + +"It is a very wrong thing," but I see what you mean,--that some people +do it from want of thought." + +"Yes, just so; but that is a very different thing from almost quizzing +the whole Bible,--at least talking as if it was an absurd thing to +accept the whole of it, I do declare, Marian, he was worse when he began +to praise it than he was before; for he talked of the Old Testament as +if it was just like the Greek mythology, and then he compared it to +Homer, and Æschylus, and the Koran. To be sure he did say it was +better poetry and morality; but the idea of comparing it! I don't mean +comparing as if it must be better, but as if it stood on the same +ground." + +"And did Elliot listen to all this?" said Marian, thinking the poison +must have been in rather too intellectual a form for Elliot. + +"He listened," said Lionel. "I don't think he would ever set up to say +such things for himself; but I believe he rather liked hearing them +said. I am quite sure this Faulkner will make him worse than he is +already, for all this talk is a hundred times worse than going on in +Elliot's way." + +"To be sure it is--a thousand times!" + +"But what I want to know is this, Marian? has Caroline got any notion +of what sort of a man she has got? Because if she does it with her eyes +open, it can't be helped; but if not, I think she ought to be warned; +for I don't suppose the man is fool enough to talk in this way to her. +Indeed, I think I heard him say that believing is all very well for +women." + +"Why don't you tell her, then?" + +"That is the very thing I had on my mind all these holidays; but I know +no one would ever listen to me. If Walter was here it would be a very +different thing, for he is worth attending to, and Caroline knows that; +though she thinks I have no sense at all but for mischief." + +"She could not think so, if she heard you speak as you do now." + +"Then there is another thing, Marian, and what makes it quite--at least +very nearly out of the question; I don't believe they in the least +reckoned on my hearing all this. You know the man is very good-natured; +well, he took me up to go instead of his servant, and I was sitting +back to back with them. I sometimes think my bad eyes have made my ears +sharper, for I know I often hear when other people don't; and so I +should not expect they supposed in the least that I was attending, +though I did not miss a word, for I could not help hearing. Now, you +see, I could not possibly go and betray him; and if you were not the +safest person in the world, I would never have told you: only, if +somebody could just give Caroline a hint that she is going to marry an +infidel, it would be a pleasant thing." + +"A pleasant thing!" repeated Marian. Then she paused, considering, and +Lionel waited patiently while she did so, "I see," she said at last, +"that you could hardly tell her of this conversation; and after all, +Lionel, I believe we knew what was quite as bad of him from the first: +this only proves it a little more fully." + +"Did you?" + +"Yes, Lord Marchmont told me something of it; and I mentioned it to +Caroline before he came here at all." + +"O, that is right!" said Lionel, greatly relieved, "then it is no +concern of mine; though what can possess Caroline, I can't think. Is it +love, I wonder?" + +"I suppose so," said Marian, sighing. + +"Well, it is a queer thing," said the boy. "I should have thought +Caroline was one to care about such matters more than I, but perhaps she +means to convert him. So! I did think Caroline was good for something, +but it is no affair of mine; and I shall be all the more glad to get off +to New Zealand to be out of the sight of it all." + +"It is very sad indeed!" said Marian. "I am sure it will be nothing but +wretchedness. Caroline can blind herself now, but that will not go on." + +"And why can't you speak to her, and stop her? She used to mind you. +Does she come and talk about this man as if he was perfection?" + +"No," was the sorrowful reply. "She knew from the first my opinion of +him, and we never have any talks now. We never have had one since she +was first engaged." + +"Whew!" whistled Lionel. "Then she does mean to go and do it, and no +mistake! Then I've done with her, and shan't think about her any more +than I can help. If she won't be warned, she must Lave her own way, and +may marry the Grand Turk, if she likes it better." He whistled again, +proposed a ride, and went to order the horses; while Marian, walking +slowly to the house to prepare, did not so much grieve for Caroline, +for that was an old accustomed sorrow, as marvel at the manner in which +Lionel had spoken, and wonder where he had learnt the right views and +excellent sense he had displayed. Far was she from guessing the value of +such a steady witness to the truth as she had been from the first hour +when Lionel had perceived and maintained "that she had no humbug in +her;" how her cares for her brother had borne fruit in him; how he +learnt from her to reverence goodness, and cleave to the right; and +how he looked up to her, because her words were few, and her deeds +consistent. More right in theory, than steady in practice was Lionel; +very unformed, left untrained by those whose duty it was to watch him; +but the seeds had been sown, and be his future life what it might, it +could not but bear the impress of the years she had spent in the same +family. + +She knew nothing of all this; she only thought, as she watched his +quick, bounding run, that he, the least regarded, was the flower of the +flock, with principles as good as Walter's, and so much more manly and +active. For Marian, with all her respect for Walter, could not help +wishing, like the boys, that he had more life and spirit, and less +timidity. A little mental courage would, she thought, have brought him +to expostulate with Caroline, instead of keeping out of the way, and +leaving her to her fate. Edmund would not have done so. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + "It's hame, and it's hame, and it's hame." + + Cunningham. + + +Edmund and Gerald had promised to spend a few days at Oakworthy, before +the one returned to Portsmouth and the other to Eton; but their plans +were disconcerted by an event which, as Clara said, placed Marian in +mourning in good earnest, namely, the death of her great aunt, old Mrs. +Jessie Arundel, who had always lived at Torquay. For the last four or +five years she had been almost imbecile, and so likely to die at any +time, that, as it seemed for that very reason, every one took her death +as a surprise when it really happened. + +Edmund thought it right that both he and Gerald should attend her +funeral. Lord Marchmont, whose wife stood in the same relationship to +her, met them in London, and they all went together to Torquay, instead +of making the intended visit to Oakworthy. Gerald was obliged to return +to Eton on the following day, without coming to Oakworthy; but, to make +up for it, he wrote to his Writer from Torquay, and his letter ended +thus,--"Now I have a capital bit of news for you. Old aunt Jessie has +done what I shall venerate her for ever after--left every scrap of her +property to Edmund, except a legacy or two to her servants, a picture of +my father to me, and some queer old-fashioned jewels to you and Selina. +The will was made just after I was born; so it was to make up to Edmund +for my cutting him out of Fern Torr. You may suppose how Lord Marchmont +and I shook hands with him. It is somewhere about £20,000; there is +good news for you! He is executor, and has got to be here a day or two +longer; but Lord Marchmont and I set off by the first train to-morrow. I +shall look out for Lionel, tell him, in case he is too blind to see me. +Can't you come with him to the station, and have one moment's talk?" + +This proved to be possible; and Marian, in the interval between the +coming of the post and the setting off, had time, all the hurry of her +dressing, to wonder if she ought to be very much rejoiced. She did not +believe, that even wealth could spoil Edmund, but she did not think all +this would be of much use to him. It did not give him a home, and in +fact she thought it rather a creditable thing to be as poor as he had +hitherto been. She had rather have heard of something to make him look +less like Tressilian, than he had done the last time she had seen him. + +She had a pleasant drive with Lionel, who was very glad of any good luck +befalling Mr. Arundel, and presently, after some meditation, broke out +as follows:--"My eyes! what miles and miles it would buy in Australia" +and then proceeded to talk all the rest of the way about Australian +bulls. + +The meeting at the station was a bright one, though so short, as +scarcely to be worth the journey, if the value of such moments were to +be reckoned by their number. There was Lord Marchmont to be spoken to, +as well as Gerald, which broke into the time. Gerald looked very happy +and pleasant. He said Edmund was the best fellow in the world, and that +he had been very happy--shot lots of things--he wished he could stop to +tell about it. Then Marian hurried what she had to say, while Lionel was +looking after his luggage. "Gerald, would you just try if you can do +anything to spare Lionel's eyes? When you have the same things to do, +could you not read to him, or something? they seem so much worse, and I +am so afraid." + +"I'll try," said Gerald, "but I don't think I can do much, and he will +never give in." + +The bell rang--Lionel ran up--she wished them good-bye, and drove home, +happier than when last she parted there from Gerald, wondering what had +happened in his journey with Edmund, and re-assured, by his free cordial +tone. She took up a book and read all the way home. + +The next thing that was heard of Edmund was in a note to Mr. Lyddell, +saying that he should come and spend one night at Oakworthy, on his way +to Portsmouth; that he hoped to arrive about one o'clock, and that +he should bring Marian her aunt's legacy of the jewels. This was +communicated to her by Mrs. Lyddell, and she could not discover from +whence he wrote; she supposed from London, unless he was still detained +in Devonshire. She looked forward greatly to his coming, as there was +so much to hear about Gerald; and she felt, as if she wanted something +pleasant, very much indeed; for, now that Lionel was gone, she found +what a companion, interest, and occupation he had been, and missed +him very much. The constraint with all the others, except Clara, +was wearisome: and Clara, though never ceasing to talk, and very +affectionately, was anything but a companion, while poor Caroline kept +more than ever aloof, and had a flightiness of spirits--a sort of +gaiety of manner--which, to Marian, seemed to be assumed. This was more +especially the case, after there was an idea of fixing the marriage for +some time in the autumn, and arrangements were talked over. Marian began +to have little doubt that she was secretly unhappy, and grew more and +more tender in feeling towards her; while, by an effect of contraries, +her manner became more frigid and severe, in proportion to the warmth +within. + +Clara wondered a little what Mr. Arundel was coming for, and laughed and +looked significant when Marian said she knew perfectly well; but Marian +thought she knew so thoroughly as not to be in the least disconcerted, +though Clara's glances were full upon her when he was announced. In he +came, just at luncheon time; he shook hands with Marian with all his +might, and one glance convinced her that he had not Tressilian's +face--nay, that though the sun of Africa had left its traces, he was +more like the Edmund of the olden time, than she had ever seen him since +her father's death. There were a good many people at luncheon that day. +Mr. Faulkner was there, and there were some visitors staying in the +house. Edmund was a good way from her, and she could only hear his voice +now and then in the buzz; but it was a very pleasant sound to hear, and +when he laughed, it was his own natural, free, gay laugh, such as it +used to be. She was sure he was very happy, and wondered if it was +possible Aunt Jessie's fortune could have made him so, or whether it +could all be the satisfaction of having set Gerald to rights. + +As they rose to leave the dining room, he came to her, saying, "Marian, +can you have a walk with me?" + +"Oh, yes, I should like it of all things; I will be ready in one +minute." And away she bounded, saying to Caroline, in the boldest and +most innocent manner in the world, as if on purpose to show that she +expected nothing, and would not be laughed at, that Edmund had asked her +to walk with him. He waited for her in the hall, and they went out, she +scarcely pausing till they were on the steps, to say, "Well, how did you +get on with Gerald? I am sure you made him very happy." + +"We got on famously. He is a very nice fellow; he only wanted a little +stimulus the right way. He is thoroughly open and candid, and I have no +fear but that he will do very well." + +Marian could not speak for joy, and for gratitude to her cousin; and +her heart throbbing with delight, she walked on, waiting for him to say +something more on this most precious of all tidings. But when he spoke +again, it was if he had done with the subject of Gerald. "Marian, I +have something to tell you," He paused--she stood in suspense--he began +again. "Marian, I am going to be married!" + +"O!" and the inquiring, joyful, wondering, confident tone of that O, is +what nothing can ever convey. Her eyes were turned full on him with the +same eager curiosity, the same certainty, that he could not do other +than the best. He did not speak; but the half smile on his lip was a +full though mute reply to her confidence, that she had only to hear, in +order to rejoice with all her heart; and he held out a note directed to +her, in Agnes' writing! + +Marian took it, but she was too wild, too delighted, too eager to look +at him, and hear him, to be able to open it. "O Edmund!" was what she +said now, and she caught hold of his hand for an ecstatic shake. + +"Yes, thank you, yes. I said I must tell you myself, Marian--my sister." + +"O, I never heard anything more delightful in my life," said Marian, +with a sort of gasp, as soon as the overwhelming delight gave her +breath. "O, Edmund, Edmund!" + +"You have not read her note yet." + +Marian tore it open, but there was scarcely any thing to read; it was +only-- + + "Dearest Marian,--He will have a note to carry you, + but I can't say anything for bewilderment. I know he will + tell you all about it, so it is of no use my writing. Are + not you sorry he should have a wife so far from good enough + for him? + + "Your affectionate and most amazed + + "AGNES." + +Marian held it up to him, smiling. "But of course you have seen it?" + +"No, I have not; I suppose she thought I should not carry such +nonsense." + +"Well, I am sure there is no other person in all the wide world that I +could have thought good enough for you. Agnes! Agnes! O, Edmund, I wish +there was any way of not being quite choked with gladness!" + +Edmund smiled, and perhaps he was "choked with gladness" beyond the +power of speech; for the two cousins only proceeded to shake hands +again. The next thing that was said was after an interval. "Marian, you +remember our bargain six years ago? Have you grown so very fond of the +Lyddells as to repent of it?" + +"O, Edmund, you have not thought of that?" + +"Have not we? It was one of the first things we did think of." + +"I don't think I can bear to hear of much more happiness," said Marian, +in almost a crying voice. "I am so glad for you that I can't be glad for +myself yet. I can't take it all in; it is too good to be true!" + +"Indeed it does seem so. But you agree? Agnes said I must make you agree +first of all." + +"Don't I? Only I want to enjoy it for you,--it is so beyond everything!" + +"Well, wasn't I a wise man to say I would not miss the pleasure of +telling you myself?" + +"Then do tell me; do let us be rational, if we can. Then you came here +from Fern Torr?" + +"Yes. Did you not know that?" + +"No. I did not hear where you wrote from. How long were you there?" + +"I only went on Wednesday." + +"Then it was only one whole day! How much you must have had to settle!" + +"So much, that we settled scarcely anything." + +"Then you don't know when it is to be?" + +"No, and Mrs. Wortley talks of having time,--poor Mrs. Wortley, but I +don't think I shall take her away far; I have some notion of looking out +for some place close at hand." + +"Just what we settled long ago. But O! begin and tell me all, +Edmund,--as much as you like to tell me, at least. I want to know how +you first came to think of it." Then, as he smiled, she added, "I mean, +how long you have been thinking of it." + +"If you mean how long with any hope, only since I knew of good aunt +Jessie's consideration for me. How long it has been in my mind I cannot +tell; certainly before I went to Africa. You see, Marian," he continued, +as if he was apologising, "it was this which made me think it advisable +for me to go, though, as I see now, it was not at all good for Gerald." + +"What,--you mean--I am not sure that I understand--" + +"Don't you see, Marian, feeling as I did, and knowing how out of +the question it was for a penniless man like me, to think of +marrying,--Agnes so young too, and I with everything to draw me to what +had been my only home,--there was nothing to be done but to keep out +of the way, to guard me against myself; and that was easier with seas +between. I don't know whether I did right or not, but I hoped I did, +because it cost me something; yet it was a forsaking of Gerald which +might have done much harm, though I hope it has not, as it has turned +out." + +"I see it all!" said Marian, resting there, because she had not a word +with which to express her honour of his noble conduct. + +"You will forgive me now," he added, with a smile, "for what you thought +my neglect of home." + +"I am only afraid I must often have given you a great deal of pain," she +almost whispered. + +"Never, except when I thought it right to silence you. It was only too +delightful to hear their very names. You might well tell me that she had +grown prettier than ever." + +On talked and walked the cousins, over the downs, which had certainly +never been trodden by happier people. At last they recollected that they +must return, if they wished to be in time for the post, and retraced +their steps, talking as eagerly as ever. As they were coming near the +house, Marian said, "Does Gerald know?" + +"Not yet; I shall write to him to-morrow." + +"Is it to be a secret? Of course I should say nothing about it while you +are here, but may I mention it afterwards?" + +"They said nothing about secrecy," said Edmund; "in fact I think +attempting it, only results in making one look foolish. Yes, you are +welcome to tell whom you please as soon as I am out of the way. I had +rather the Lyddells know." + +"Very well; indeed, I don't think I can keep it to myself, it is too +much joy." + +"Do you expect them to participate in your pleasure at making your +escape from them?" + +"There is no one to miss me, except, perhaps, Lionel, a little, when his +eyes are bad. Caroline would once have cared, but that is over now, poor +thing! There never was a time when I should have been more glad to get +away. O, Edmund, if you would do one thing to oblige me, it would be, +to have your wedding the same day as Caroline's, that I might not be +obliged to be at it." + +"At which?" + +"O, you know!" + +"Is it such a very bad affair?" + +"O, I am very much grieved about it. The man has no religion at all, you +know; at least, if he has any, it is all natural religion,--anything but +the truth." + +"Do you really mean that the family have accepted him, allowed this to +go on, knowing such things of him?" + +"I don't know how far they see it. I don't think they allow it to +themselves, and I don't think they would understand some of it; as, for +instance, when I heard him talking the other day as if he assumed that +Christianity was only a development of people's tendency to believe,--as +fleeting as other forms of faith. It was not very broadly stated, and +I don't think I should have seen it, if it had not chimed in with +something I had read; and, besides, I knew what was in the man." + +"How do you know? Not from your own observation?" + +"O, no, no; I liked him at first. I could have liked him very much, if +Lord Marchmont had not told me about him, and then I had the key to +him." + +"And this poor Miss Lyddell?" + +"She knew what I did," said Marian, sadly. "But he is very +agreeable,--at least he is thought so,--and they all admired him so +much, and paid such court to him, that--Yet I did think better things of +Caroline. Lionel is the only one who has found him out, and he thinks of +it just as I do, O, Edmund, I am sure you would like Lionel." + +"How are his eyes?" asked Edmund, as they were coming under the portico, +and could not talk of any of the more delicate subjects. "I thought +Gerald gave a very bad account of them; indeed, I scarcely expected that +he could have gone back to Eton." + +"I sometimes think," almost whispered Marian, "that it is not he, poor +boy, whose eyes are the worst in the house; but Mrs. Lyddell's head has +been so full of Johnny, and Caroline, and all she has to do, that she +will not see anything amiss with Lionel." + +"He must be a boy of a great deal of resolution and principle, to have +struggled on as he has clone, by Gerald's account. Ah! I meant to have +told you about Gerald, but all our time is gone." + +"Never mind, we can talk of him in the evening. There is a corner of +mine where I always get out of the way of the people, and where I +have had many a nice talk with Walter, or Lionel, under cover of Miss +Grimley's music. Now where do you like to write your letter? If you had +not rather do it in your own room, there is a nice quiet place in +the old school-room, where I write mine, when the drawing-room is +uninhabitable." + +Edmund accepted the invitation, partly because he was just so shy of +letting his own handwriting be seen in the address, that he meant to +avail himself of Marian's cover. Just as Marian had finished a note, too +joyous to have any sense in it, and containing a promise to write more +sensibly to-morrow, had directed the cover, and told her cousin that +he must wind up if he meant to catch the post, Clara opened the door, +gazed, laughed, and was retiring in haste, when Marian, without a shade +of the confusion Clara had hoped for, called her back. "Edmund came here +to write a note," she said, "don't go away." + +Edmund made some demonstration about intruding, and wrote the +conclusion, at which nothing but some interruption would have made him +arrive, put it into the envelope, gave it face downwards to Marian, +and departed. Now Mrs. Lyddell and Clara were both persuaded that Mr. +Arundel had come for no other purpose than to propose to Marian; and +they had been entertaining themselves during their drive with conversing +on the subject; so that Clara was never more surprised and puzzled in +her life than by seeing Marian stand there, smiling, and with beaming +eyes, brighter than ever she had looked before, but without one particle +of a blush,--white-faced as ever, only dancing first on one foot, then +on the other, balancing her bonnet on one hand, and with the other +holding the precious letter. + +"Well, Marian!" + +"Well!" Marian made a pirouette. "I must run and put this letter in the +box." And so saying, away she ran down stairs, up again in a second; +then meeting the astonished Clara at the head of the stairs, she took +her round the waist, and fairly waltzed her to her own door, opened it, +threw herself into a chair, exclaimed, "I beg your pardon, Clara; you'll +think me mad, but I'll tell you all about it to-morrow." + +Fanny was present, so Clara could do nothing but stare; and lateness, +and a dinner-party necessitating a hasty toilette, she retreated, while +Marian contained her raptures as best she could, and meditated on the +delightful life she was to lead with Agnes and Edmund, in some cottage +on the borders of Fern Torr. O happiness, such as she had never +known, which seemed to bring back as much of her home as could ever +return,--which would be everything for Gerald! Every care gone, Edmund +happy, Gerald satisfactory, her own exile at an end. Her head almost +swain round with happiness, and she wanted to turn to the glass, to +persuade herself that she could be the same Marian Arundel, wide awake, +and yet so very, very happy. + +However, it was all future, as far as concerned herself; and that cares +were in the world she was convinced, by her own pang at seeing Caroline, +whom she overtook on her way down stairs. She had no disposition to +whirl _her_ round; but there was a softened feeling, belonging perhaps +to the fulness of her own joy, that made her, as she came up with her, +put her arm round her, as she had now and then walked with her in former +days. Caroline looked in her face, and drew the arm closer without +speaking. Their faces had always been unlike, but the contrast was +stronger than ever. Marian, with those pale, regular features, plain +dark hair, black eyes and eyebrows, with her mourning dress, and yet +with a radiant, irrepressible joy and buoyancy all round and about her; +while Caroline, with her small pretty features, rosy colour, blue eyes, +glossy curls, her pink dress and gold bracelets, was in general air very +different, and in countenance how much more; for the eyes were restless, +the smile came rather as if it was called, than as if it resided +naturally on her lip,--the colour of her cheeks, though bright, looked +fixed and feverish; and now and then, there was a quiver about the whole +face. How different from the secure expression of happiness, now and +then illuminated, as it were, with some sudden flash of secret joy, +which sat on Marian's broad, serene brow. + +They entered the drawing-room together, and from that time Marian was +outwardly her own stiff, distant self, till the promised time in the +evening, when Edmund made his way to her in her corner, where he was +greeted by a most sunny look. "Now for Gerald," said she. + +Edmund had a great deal to tell about Gerald. He thought him, on the +whole, a very nice, amiable, right-minded boy, who only wanted more +training and watching than Mr. Lyddell would or could give. He had, +after a time, been brought to be entirely open and confiding; and this, +for which Edmund seemed to be really grateful to him, and to admire him, +was the great point, he had made Edmund a friend, instead of looking at +him as a guardian,--found that he could sympathize, and had ended by +trusting and consulting him. Marian, though wondering how the reserve +had ever been, conquered, felt the relief of knowing that all was safe +now, and was not hurt by his confiding in any one but herself. Edmund +really thought it was safe. "I believe I know the worst of him now, poor +fellow," he said, smiling, "and the worst is not much. He has been going +on in a careless, thoughtless way, out of high spirits and imitation, a +good deal, and the consciousness made him keep back from you; he owns +that, and is very sorry." + +"Does he? dear Gerald!" + +"He seemed to feel deeply that he had neglected you; but he said, and +very truly, how much there had been against him,--no one, as he said, to +make him mind; and the fellows would have laughed at him, if they had +found out that he attended to his sister." + +"Ah! Johnny sowed that mischief long ago!" + +"I hope it is not weakness. I do not think it is; for there was +manliness in confessing all, and he seemed to feel the folly strongly." + +"Did he tell you about the debts?" + +"Yes, and of his own accord. They are nothing in themselves; but he has +been allowed too much money, has had little warning, and his title was +against him too. So if we can break off the habit of extravagance, there +is no great harm done. After all, you know, he is very young, and +there is plenty of time to form his character. I am sure he has good +dispositions of every kind, and if he has but resolution, he will be +sure to do well," + +"I think there is resolution in his temper. Nothing shakes him when his +mind is once made up." + +So Marian was very well satisfied on the whole about her brother, and +she might justly be so by Edmund's account. There was nothing to disturb +her happiness, and she only doubted whether she should be able to sleep +for it. Her brother restored, as well as everything else! + +When bed-time came, Mrs. Lyddell looked at her, as if expecting +something more to be said than "good night," but nothing came,--nothing +but the dancing light in the eyes. Clara followed her to the room, and +stood gazing at her. "Why, Marian," at last she said, "can't you tell me +anything about it?" + +"No; not till to-morrow." + +"O, that is too bad, Marian, when you heard all I had to tell directly." + +"I can't help it; I am not at liberty to tell other people's affairs." + +"Don't look so grand, Marian, pray. I am sure I thought this was your +own." + +"So it is in a way." + +"In a way? Why, Marian, what an extraordinary girl you are! not your own +affair! Well, if you are impenetrable, I can't help it; but it is not +kind, when we all want to congratulate you." + +"Stop, stop, Clara!" exclaimed Marian, and now she did blush, "will you +be satisfied if I tell you that it is not what you suppose? You shall +hear what it is to-morrow, and then you will see what nonsense you have +been talking." + +"What?" cried Clara, "you are not--" + +"Don't say it, pray don't! Never was any one further from it. Now do +go to bed, Clara, for I cannot tell you a word more, and keep your +curiosity at rest for to-night." + +Marian took care not to be caught alone by Clara before breakfast the +next morning, and almost immediately after breakfast, Edmund departed. +Marian had been out into the hall with him to exchange some last words, +and Mrs. Lyddell, meantime, was observing to Caroline that she never +knew anything so strange; she thought it was due to herself, however +unpleasant it might be, to claim some confidence from Miss Arundel, on +such matters, while living under her care. Marian came back, however, +with her innocent look of delight,--a look so unlike the bashfulness of +a damsel in love, that Mrs. Lyddell felt again doubtful; and before she +could speak, Marian had turned to Clara and said, "Now I will tell you +what makes me so happy. Edmund and Agnes Wortley are engaged, and I am +to go and live with them." + +"Miss Wortley!" at once exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell and her daughters, in the +extremity of surprise; and then Mrs. Lyddell and Clara asked all the +usual questions in haste and eagerness, wondering within themselves most +of all at Marian's full rejoicing, for till now they had never been +able to see that Edmund was really to her only like an elder brother. +Caroline scarcely spoke, only went on nervously with her work. At last, +when some interruption had caused her mother and Clara to leave the +room, she laid it down, looked at Marian for a moment or two, then said, +in a trembling voice, "Dear Marian, I am glad you are so happy! I am +glad you are to live with them!" then kissed her, and hastened away +before she could answer or return the caress. Her handkerchief was +raised as she closed the door. Marian sat and grieved, for well did she +know all poor Caroline conveyed by that "I am glad you are to live with +them." It meant that Caroline felt that she had given up the esteem and +friendship in which they had lived,--that she thought her own home unfit +for one brought from such a sphere as Fern Torr,--that she resigned all +those plans for Clara's good, everything that had been valued between +them,--that she looked not for happiness for herself, and though she +had forfeited such affection as once had been hers, yet she still loved +Marian. How could Marian rejoice so much, when such a fate was waiting +for Caroline? Poor Caroline! she contrasted her feelings with those of +Agnes, grieved again over her, and ended by blaming herself for all the +coldness and severity of the last six weeks, requited as it was by so +much kind, fond affection. + +Yet Caroline was weakly, wilfully doing wrong. How should she behave +rightly towards her? O, why would nothing happen to save her, and break +off this mockery of a marriage? But as of this there seemed little +hope,--as the Faulkners were at Oakworthy more than ever, and Mrs. +Lyddell was talking in good earnest of wedding clothes, and bridesmaids, +it was a comfort to have these better hopes to occupy herself with. + +Especially did she enjoy the idea of Gerald's rejoicing, and it was very +eagerly that she watched for his first letter of delight. It came as +soon as heart could wish; but so mixed are joy and grief in this world, +that even Gerald's letter could not convey unalloyed pleasure, but +filled her with a fresh anxiety,--or more properly, strengthened and +realized what had hitherto been but a vague terror. + + "Eton, Sept. 14th. + + "My dear Marian,--Never was anything better in this + world than Edmund's plans. I give him infinite credit for + them; and, as head of the family, he has my full consent. + I wish they would go and live at the Manor House + till I am of age,--that would be jolly! Lionel desires me + to tell you that it is all very well, except your going from + Oakworthy, and he shall go about the house like a mad + fury," (here followed his portrait in the character,) "if you + go before he is off after the blue wild beestes at the Cape. + His eyes are very bad, and I wish you would tell Mrs. + Lyddell about them; for I don't believe it is a bit of use + his staying here, and though I am very glad to help him, + doing all his work and my own too is more than I can stand. + It is much worse than last half; then he could see to read, + though it hurt him; now Greek or small print beats him entirely, + and he cannot look out a word in the Lexicon. He + does just manage to write, and he never forgets anything; + so another fellow and I have dragged him through, this + week. But it cannot go on so; and as he won't give up or + complain, I will have something done about it, or he will + blind himself outright before he has done. I cannot think + how it is my tutor has not found it out, but I suppose it is + that Lionel is so sharp, and has such a memory. Do speak + to Mrs. Lyddell. + + "Your affectionate brother, + + "E. GERALD ARUNDEL" + +Marian carried the letter at once to Mrs. Lyddell's dressing-room, but +she found that Gerald had been mistaken in supposing the tutor had not +observed Lionel's failing sight: for the same post had brought a letter +from him, which had at length completely alarmed Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, +and the former was going at once to write to his son to meet him in +London, where he intended to consult one of the first oculists. + +This was a great relief. Mr. Lyddell set off, and the party at home +comforted themselves with predictions that all would soon be remedied; +Marian and Clara agreeing that it would be very pleasant to have Lionel +at home to walk with them, and to be nursed. + +Mr. Lyddell had been gone about two days; Caroline and Clara were at +High Down, and Marian was returning from a solitary ramble in the park, +enjoying her last letter from Agnes, when, as she crossed the lawn, she +was startled by finding Lionel stretched on his face on the grass, just +at the turn where some bushes concealed him from the windows. He lay +flat, without his hat, his forehead resting on one arm; while with his +hand he tore up daisies and grass, and threw them hastily over his +shoulder, while his whole frame quivered in a convulsive agony of +distress. + +"Lionel! Lionel! you come home? What is the matter?" exclaimed she. + +"Matter! matter enough, I think," said, or rather muttered Lionel; +"There is an end of the Cape, or anything else." + +"How are your eyes?" asked Marian, in consternation. + +"Only I am blind for life!" answered Lionel; still hiding his face, and +speaking in a sullen, defiant tone. + +Marian, dreadfully shocked, almost beyond all power of speaking or +moving, could only drop down sitting on the grass beside him, and take +his hand. + +"All neglect, too," he added; then vehemently, "I don't believe, no I +don't, there is any pauper's son in the parish that would have been so +used!" + +Her voice was low with fright: "But, Lionel, what has happened? Let me +see you. Is it worse? can't you see?" + +"O yes, I can see now, after a fashion, at least, but that is soon to +go, they say, and then--They have done it themselves, and they may have +that satisfaction!" added he, with a fearful bitterness in his tone. +"Elections, and parliament, and dinners, and that Faulkner,--that is +what they have given my sight for." He withdrew his hand, and turned his +shoulder from Marian, as if resolute not to be comforted; and again he +shook with agony. + +"O, don't say such dreadful things, dear Lionel! O, if I could but do +anything for you!" she cried, in a tone of heartfelt grief, which seemed +to soften the poor boy a little; for he twisted round, so that his face, +still pillowed on one arm, was half raised to her, and she could see +how flushed it was, and that the eyelids were inflamed, though not +with tears, and the eyes themselves had not altered from their former +appearance. + +"'Tis not your fault," he said. "If my mother had cared for me one +quarter--" + +"Don't blame anybody, pray!" interrupted Marian: "it only makes it +worse. Only tell me all about it. Did the occulist say--" + +"Not to me," answered Lionel; "not the worst, at least. He examined my +eyes very closely, and asked me all manner of questions about what I +could see, and what I could not, and what things hurt them, and how long +it had been going on, and how I had been using them. Then he told me +that it was impossible for him to do anything for them as yet, till the +disease had made more progress; that most likely I should quite lose my +sight this winter, and then I must come to him again. So that was bad +enough, but I could have made up my mind to that, and they sent me away. +Then it seems that, after I was gone, he went on about it to papa, and +told him that the mischief had been brewing time out of mind, and some +time ago it might have been stopped; but all that straining of my eyes +at Eton, last half, had done immense harm, and confirmed the disease; +and it is of a kind that--that--there is no cure for!" He buried his +face again. + +"Did Mr. Lyddell tell you this?" + +"No, he only told me we were to go home directly, and wrote to Gerald to +send my things from Eton. He hardly spoke a word all the way,--only led +me about, and poked me in and out of the carriage, as if I was +blind already; it put me almost in a rage. Then as soon as we came +home,--about half an hour ago, I should think,--he told it all straight +out to my mother, did not mince matters, I assure you: indeed, I believe +they both forgot I was there. They are apt to forget me, you know. He +regularly stormed about the neglect, and told her it was all her fault; +and while this was going on, I found I had heard the worst, and I did +not want to be pitied, so I came out here. And so there is the whole +story for you, Marian, and a pretty one it is! A fine sort of life I +shall have instead--" + +"Well but, Lionel," cried Marian, eagerly, "are you sure that be said +_for certain_ that it was hopeless? for it seems so odd that he should +have told you one thing, and Mr. Lyddell another." + +"Pshaw! I suppose he had got some consideration, and did not want to +knock me down with the worst at once." + +"I should think it was more comfortable to know the worst at once!" said +Marian, meditatively, "so as to be able to settle one's mind to it." + +"A pretty thing to settle one's mind to," said Lionel, "to know I must +be a good-for-nothing, dependent wretch all my days! As well be a woman, +or an idiot at once! There, I shall never see that tree green again; no, +and spring--I have seen my last of that! and I may look my last at all +your faces. Johnny I shall never see again." + +Ho was crying bitterly now,--almost choking with tears; and Marian's +were flowing too. She was much distressed at the present moment; for +though the weeping was likely to relieve him, she feared it might be +doing harm to his eyes, and she did not know in the least whether it +ought to be checked, or, indeed, how to check it. Grieved and in great +consternation she was, in truth, for she was very fond of Lionel, +and full of such strong sympathy and compassion, as to be perfectly +incapable of expressing it, in the slightest degree. But he knew her; +she had been the only person who had ever been uneasy about his +sight, and this went for a great deal with him: so that, with all her +undemonstrativeness, there was no one whom he could have liked so well +to have near him in that moment of dire despair. "O, I am so sorry!" +expressed infinitely more than the simple words. + +"You see, Marian," said he, raising himself, and struggling with the +sobs of which he was ashamed, "I could bear it better if I had not had +such a scheme for my life, and my father consenting too. Australia, and +those wild cattle, and that glorious Bush life, always galloping in the +plains; and now to be condemned to be moping about here, for ever, in +darkness and helplessness. O, to think of the plans we have made, all +come to an end for ever!" and again he was weeping violently. + +"They might have been stopped otherwise," said Marian, catching at any +possible idea that might answer, or seem to console him; "you know you +might have been ill, or met with an accident, and had a great deal to +suffer." + +"I would suffer anything rather than lose my eyesight! You don't know +what you are talking of." + +"Then just suppose this complaint had come on, in some lonely place out +in the wilds, with no one to take care of you." + +"It would not, I should have had no Greek to put my eyes out." + +"And after all, dear Lionel, you know----;" there she was choked--"you +know that--" and she was choked again--"you know where it comes from." + +"I know what you mean," he said; "and if it did--But it is my mother's +neglect; there is the bitterness of it. Why, you and my father tried to +stir her up to it in the spring, and she would not; and then, when for +very shame she must attend, what does she do but let me go muddling on +with that old woman Wells! She has regularly thrown my sight away, as +much as if she had pulled my eyes out and thrown them over the hedge." + +"No one could ever have guessed--" + +"I tell you she might have guessed. Any other mother in the world would +have been frightened years ago, long before I went to school. If it had +been Elliot or Johnny, wouldn't she have had half the doctors in London? +but what did she ever trouble her head about _me?_" + +"Now, Lionel, that must not be said. You know it is wrong, and I am sure +you will see how sorry she is, and how it was really not having time." + +"I dare say she is sorry--I should hope so--now it is too late, and she +has done it." + +"But why will you accuse any one?" said Marian, sorely perplexed, and +secretly sharing all his indignation against Mrs. Lyddell. "You know it +only embitters you and makes it all worse; and after all, even if man +had actually done the mischief, it still would ultimately be sent from +Heaven." + +"I don't see that that makes it any better," murmured Lionel. + +"O don't you, Lionel?" said she earnestly; "doesn't it make you sure it +is for the best?" + +"I don't know what I have done to be so punished," went on Lionel to +himself; "I have not always been good, but I have tried, and more +lately, to do right; there are many much less steady than I, who--" + +"Yes, yes, Lionel, but perhaps it is not as good for them to be +prosperous. Indeed, indeed I am quite sure, though I don't understand it +all, or see the way, that if you will but bear it rightly, you will be +glad, if not before, yet at least when you die, even of this terrible +affliction." + +"I almost wish I was dying now!" said Lionel gloomily, "if I could but +die the last day that I am to see the sky and everything, instead of +droning on in the dark, a burthen to myself and every one else, for +I don't know how long, forty, fifty, sixty years perhaps. You know, +Marian, I am only sixteen--" + +There was a burst of tears again, and Marian felt herself an +unsuccessful comforter, nor did she wonder at it, for she could not +fancy that anything could relieve the sense of such a misfortune as poor +Lionel's, except the really high source of consolation, and that as yet +only by faith, which might make him take it on trust as the best in the +end, though for the present he must feel all the misery. She had no time +to answer him again, for the garden door opened, and at the sound he +dashed away his tears, sprang to his feet, and assumed a firm, cold, +would-be indifferent look, as Mrs. Lyddell came out and advanced towards +them. Marian thought her looking flushed and agitated, and her voice +certainly betrayed more emotion than had ever been shown in it, except +when bidding Johnny farewell. + +"Lionel, my dear, sitting on the damp grass? You will certainly catch +cold! I have been searching for you everywhere, but I am glad you were +with Marian. I wanted to ask you, my dear, whether you would like to +have your own room or Walter's," added she, wandering on as if anxious +to say what was kindest, yet dreading to come to the subject nearest +their hearts. + +"My own, thank you," bluntly answered Lionel, "I'll and unpack." He +brushed hastily by her, and ran into the house up stairs, his roughness +contrasting with her affectionate tone. She looked at Marian, and saw +the trace of tears on her eyelids, and her own lip quivered while her +eyes filled, and she said in a trembling voice, "Poor dear boy! has he +been telling you? Does he know it all?" + +"Yes," said Marian, anxiously, "but is it really so very bad? Is there +no hope?" + +"No hope? Who said so?" exclaimed Mrs. Lyddell quickly. + +"He did," said Marian; "he said Mr. Lyddell told you so." + +"Was he there?" exclaimed she: "Ah! that was Mr. Lyddell's strong way of +putting things! So unfortunate--forgetting all about him. Poor fellow! I +must go to him directly, and tell him it was no such thing." + +"What? how? O do tell me!" cried Marian, turning and hurrying with her, +and speaking with, such earnestness that Mrs. Lyddell could not doubt of +her sympathy now. She slackened her pace, and explained that what the +surgeon, had said was, that there was confirmed disease, and of a very +serious character, but the precise nature could not be ascertained till +it had made greater progress, and it was then possible that it might +prove capable of removal. + +Mrs. Lyddell was resolved that neither herself nor any one else should +believe anything but what was most hopeful. She could not have borne +it otherwise. She really was far from being indifferent to any of her +children, though multiplicity of occupation, and thoughts, engaged on +what she considered the welfare of the family, had prevented her +from being properly attentive to all, and she was so accustomed to +uninterrupted prosperity, as to have almost forgotten that there was +such a thing as anxiety or misfortune. Lionel, neither the eldest nor +the youngest, healthy, and independent, neither remarkable for beauty +nor grace, just unruly enough to be provoking, and just steady enough to +be no cause of anxiety, had been as much a cipher in the family as a One +lively boy could be; but though slow to be roused into anxiety, she felt +it with full force when it came, all the motherly affection, which while +secure had appeared dormant, revived, she was dreadfully shocked, and +would have been utterly overwhelmed by the accusation of neglect, had it +not been for her sanguine spirit. In this temper she represented all to +Marian in the most cheering light, and hastened up stairs to do the same +to Lionel. Marian, relieved and hopeful, was waiting to collect some +properties of hers, to carry to her room, when she met Mr. Lyddell. She +went up to greet him, and thinking that he looked very mournful, there +was more cordiality and fellow-feeling in her way of addressing him than +ever there had been before, though she simply said "Good morning" and +shook hands. + +"You have heard about it, Marian?" said he. "Has he been with you, poor +fellow?" + +"Yes," said Marian, "he is in his own room now." + +"Ah! you spoke long ago," said Mr. Lyddell; "I wish we had attended to +you." + +"It was Edmund who remarked it," said she. + +"Ay, ay, and senseless it was not to attend. Then it seems that +something might have been done, at any rate he would not have gone on +injuring them with his work at Eton, but now it is as good as a lost +case. Poor fellow!" + +"O!" exclaimed Marian, thrown back again, "I thought there was a hope +that it might not prove to be the worst." + +"There is just a shade of chance that it may turn out otherwise, and +that, your mother--Mrs. Lyddell I mean--takes hold of, but I have not +the slightest hope. The surgeon said, it had all the appearance of a +confirmed case, such as cannot be removed." + +Marian stood aghast, and Mr. Lyddell, with a sort of groan, most painful +to hear, passed her, and shut himself into his study. The only thing she +could think of doing, was to pour out her dismay and compassion in a +letter to Gerald, and she repaired to the schoolroom for the purpose of +writing, but she had not been there long, before Lionel came in, and sat +down astride on the music-stool, just as he used to do, but with a very +different expression of countenance from the wild, reckless spirit of +merriment which used to possess him. He sat and meditated for a little +while, then exclaimed, "Marian, whom have you seen since I left you?" + +"Nobody but Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell." + +"Did you hear papa say anything about it?" + +"Yes, a little." + +"Did he say what the doctor thought of it?" + +"Yes." + +"Tell me the very words," and he leant his elbows on the table, looking +at her fixedly. + +"Ah! Lionel, can you bear it? They are so very sad." + +"Tell me them, I say." + +Marian looked down, as if she could not bear to meet his countenance, +and faltered as she repeated them. + +"Ay!" said Lionel, springing up, and flinging himself round +passionately, "I knew it was humbug all the time!" + +"What? How? O Lionel, what have I done?" + +"As if I was a fool or a baby, to be fed with false hopes," proceeded +Lionel, sitting down, and hiding his face on his crossed arms on the +table; "she might have let that alone, she has done me mischief enough +already." + +"Lionel," said Marian, firmly and gravely, for she was really shocked at +his tone, "you must not come to me, if it is to speak in such a manner +of your mother." + +"Very well," said Lionel coldly, rising up to leave the room, then +pausing just as his hand was on the door, "I thought _you_ did feel for +me, Marian." + +"O Lionel, dear Lionel," and she sprang to him, to lead him back to his +seat, but he still retained his hold of the lock and would not move; +"you know"--her tears were flowing--"you know how I grieve for you; but +if you are in trouble, that ought not to make you do wrong," He was +turning the lock, and hardened his face, but Marian went on, "Don't go, +Lionel, only hear me. Mrs. Lyddell is very unhappy about you, and I am +sure you must see yourself, that if she blames herself for any want of +care, her only comfort must be in hoping for the best, making the most +of this little ray." + +"Then _you_ think there is a ray!" interrupted Lionel. + +"So far as that nothing is certain, but I am afraid it is so slight, +that you had much better not trust to it, but settle your mind to bear +whatever may come." + +"Very easy talking! If you had but to do it!" cried Lionel, impetuously +wrenching the door open in spite of her gentle resistance, and running +off determinately, leaving her, poor girl, in great despair, at having +so completely failed either in comforting, softening, or bringing him to +any kind of resigned feeling, having besides vexed him, made him think +her unkind; and though this was unintentional, and might be better for +him, just contradicted what his mother wished him to believe. + +Her distress was too great even for writing to Gerald, and she walked +up and down, thinking what to do, longing to find him some better +comforter, and offering up many a prayer for him, till at last she heard +Caroline and Clara come home, and remembering that happen what might, +she must dress for dinner, up she went, heavily and sorrowfully. + +As soon as she was dressed, she went to Clara's room, feeling that this +would be but kind. Clara was not there, and she hesitated whether to go +on to Caroline's, once her frequent resort. At that instant, however, +both sisters came up together, and hastened to her. "O Marian Marian!" +exclaimed Clara. + +"You know all about it, I suppose," said Caroline. + +"Yea, indeed I do." + +"Come in here," said Caroline opening her door; "I want to know about +him, poor fellow, and how he bears it. Have you seen anything of him?" + +Marian told all she could, without betraying what was confidential, and +did her best to soften Lionel's conduct, by which his sisters evidently +had been disappointed, saying that he had scarcely chosen to speak +to them. Marian explained what was on her mind, how she had, without +intending it, flatly contradicted Mrs. Lyddell's cheering assurances, +regretting it much, as injustice towards Mrs. Lyddell, but of this, +Caroline thought little. + +"Mamma is always sanguine," she said, "and it was only her colouring +that made Lionel think her account hopeful. It must be better for him, +poor fellow, to know the truth, than to have his mind unsettled with +vain hopes. O dear! O dear! how sad it is, and at his age too! It breaks +one's heart to think of it." + +All coldness and distance had left Caroline's manner in speaking to +Marian, and this was a great comfort, in the midst of their troubles. + +A very uncomfortable time it was, which thus commenced. Lionel was a +good boy on the whole, with right principles, and some seriousness of +mind, but he was far too undisciplined to meet patiently such a trial +as this. He had pride, and a high spirit, and this made him assume a +bearing, which was a good deal admired in the family, trying to carry +it off with a high hand, never openly uttering a word of complaint, and +seeming as if he would rather die than directly express the miserable +despairing feelings within, though, poor boy, he little knew how +evidently they showed themselves in his gloomy silence, his outbreaks of +temper, and his almost desperate, defiant spirit of independence. + +His father and mother, not understanding him in the least, managed, in +the revulsion of feeling which made him now the first object in the +family, to try his temper perpetually. He had in former times, missed +their demonstrations of affection, though healthy, high-spirited, and by +no means sentimental, the craving had been only occasional, he had done +very well without them, and had gained habits of freedom incompatible +with being petted. He had never been used to be interfered with, and +could not understand it at all; and that remembrance of past neglect +embittered all his feelings. + +Mr. Lyddell had just found out, as Marian had thought long ago, that +Lionel was the flower of his flock, the one of his sons, who alone +united spirit and steadiness, for the emigration scheme had shown a +degree of sense, enterprise, and consideration which had at the time +pleased and surprised him, and now added much to his sense of the +promise lost. He laid all the blame of the neglect on his wife, but he +did not lament it the less keenly. His extreme kindness and solicitude +for the boy, were, to those who compared them with his general +character, quite affecting, but unluckily they displayed themselves is a +way which harassed Lionel very much, for he treated him as if he fancied +him completely blind already, cautioned him, guided him, and looked +anxious, if he did but walk across the garden alone; whilst Lionel, +who could see quite well enough for all ordinary purposes, was teased, +reminded of his troubles, and vexed above measure by having notice +attracted to his defect of sight. + +In the main, however, he owned that his father was kind, and sorry for +him, though each particular instance annoyed him; but it was much worse +with his mother, for her petting was more minute, more constant, and +such as would have been worrying to any boy in full health, even if it +had not, as in poor Lionel's case, been connected with the dark future, +and with a past, which had sadly soured him against her. He was always +rough and morose with her, rebelling against her care, never wakening +into affection, or showing pleasure in what she proposed, though she +continued to press on him her attention, with uunwearied assiduity. + +His sisters were treated much in the same manner; Clara made him cross +with over care, and Caroline, though showing better judgment, and much +real tact and affection, was also kept at a distance, and often harshly +answered. Marian too, was quite sufficiently like a sister to come +in for many an unreasonable fit of rudeness, and temper when it was +perfectly impossible to find any means of pleasing him. + +Indeed such unoccupied days as his were in themselves a trial of good +humour. Idleness was very pleasant in the holidays, but his was too +active a spirit to bear it for long together, especially when it left +room for such anticipations as those for which his hopes of a Bush life +were exchanged, Yet he treated offers of reading to him as insults, and +far less would he endure to learn any occupation that might serve him +when his sight should be quite gone; he professed to hate music, and +lounged about disconsolately in the house or garden. Now and then, if +he found the young ladies reading on their own account, he would be +beguiled into listening and being amused, and their ingenuity was often +exercised in appearing to be doing it naturally, and he sometimes took +part in conversation, and thus had his attention withdrawn from his +misfortune; but it was not often that his moodiness of manner could be +charmed away, unless strangers were present, when he thought it a point +of honour to seem at his ease and merry. + +After luncheon, he liked best to ride, but against this, Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell set their faces, persuaded that it must be very dangerous. This, +Lionel thought the height of unkindness; he could ride just as safely +as in the holidays; and it was too cruel to make him give up the one +pleasure he best liked, while he was still able to enjoy it, and though +not sufficiently familiar with them to attempt any remonstrance, he +became doubly discontented and sullen. He would not walk with the girls, +but wandered far away over the downs by himself, often not coming back +till very late, and till both his parents had been in some alarm. At +last, after about a week, Marian ventured to expostulate; she prevailed, +and he was allowed to resume his rides, under a restriction that it must +never be alone. Now, taking a servant with him was an avowal of his +misfortune which he never would endure; so Marian, who never in her life +was afraid of what any horse could do, became his companion, and rode +out with him a good deal, feeling him indeed a charge, but not nearly so +heavy a one as her cousins fancied. + +Still, though not afraid of accidents to him or to herself, these rides +were almost a subject of dread to Marian, daily as was their occurrence, +for it was then that poor Lionel made up for the reserve he exercised +with all the rest. If she could have done him any good, it would have +been a different thing, but surely, the world did not contain, as she +thought, a worse comforter than herself; for day after day, answer +as she would, came the same sad strain of regrets, and laments over +vanished plans, repelling every attempt at leading him to resignation, +and only varied by the different moods in which he would sometimes look +on his case as hopeless, and sometimes be angry with her for assuming +that it was so. Still worse were the complaints of his parents, in +which he would indulge after each fresh provocation, or rather, what he +thought so, though she never gave him the least encouragement to talk +in this manner, argued for them, and often blamed him; yet do what she +would, he never was convinced. The same battle on some other ground was +sure to recur, often the next day, and Marian, right as she knew she +was, never felt as if she had the victory; for five times out of six, it +was in a surly, impatient manner that he turned away from her, as they +dismounted. She often wondered whether she ought to let him go on thus, +whether it was right in her, if it did him harm, by confirming all his +unpleasant feelings, or whether it might not be worse for him to let +them rankle in his heart instead of pouring them out. It seemed too +unkind to silence him, when he fancied such talk a comfort, and she was +the only person in his confidence, yet what was right? what was good for +him? Her head ached with the self debate; she felt positively worn and +depressed, with the continued useless, harassing conversations; she knew +he was beyond her management, yet, with all her doubts, she was too +tender-hearted to vex him; she let him go on and only combated each +point, instead of refusing to listen. + +Why would not Walter come home, the only true comforter Lionel was +likely to find, whom he really respected and loved? Walter was by this +time ordained, yet he did not propose coming home; indeed Marian had +not even heard whether he had written, and she was inclined to think he +could not have been informed of the state of things at home. + +At length, when Lionel had been at home nearly a month, there came one +morning a letter directed to him. His mother and Clara both offered to +read it for him, but he gruffly refused, glanced it over, and put it in +his pocket. He loitered through the morning, and rode with Marian in the +afternoon. As they happened to meet with some entertaining subject of +conversation, the ride was more cheerful than usual, and she hoped she +had escaped the ordinary discussion; but when he helped her to dismount +under the portico, he said, "Don't go in just yet. Come and take a turn +in the plantations." + +Her heart sank at the task that was coming, but she would not disappoint +him, and gathering up her habit, she followed his quick steps. As soon +as they were out of sight of the house, he produced the letter, saying, +"Here, read me this." + +"O! I was in hopes that you could." + +"I thought I could at first, but it was only 'my dear Lionel,' that I +could read. It was all haze after that. There is a step In these three +weeks," he added in a voice meant to be manly and careless. "Come, let +us hear. 'Tis from Walter, is not it?" + +The letter had been written on first receiving intelligence of Lionel's +condition, which had been communicated by his father when he had to +write about something else. Marian, as she read, rejoiced in the letter, +it was so exactly what she wanted to have said, and yet never could +venture on, about regarding the affliction as a cross, and bending to +bear it patiently. She had often felt that here was the best relief, but +she had never dared to set it openly before Lionel, fearing that her +awkwardness, and his waywardness, might lead to his saying something +scornful, which would be worse than all. Here it was put before him in +just the right way, and one to which he must attend, and she watched +eagerly for some token of the way in which he took it. + +He made no remark, however, seeming to hear it as a matter of course +that Walter would say something of the kind. After asking if she was +certain she had read all, and pointing to a few crossed lines at the +head of the first page, to make sure that she had not missed them, he +only said, "Then there is not a word about coming. Well, I do think he +might come when he knows that after this time I shall never be able to +see him." + +"I don't suppose he thinks of that," said Marian--"I mean perhaps +he would not think of your caring for the mere _sight_ of him as a +pleasure." + +"He does not know then," said Lionel, "I am trying to learn all your +faces, and I don't think I shall forget them." + +"I am sure if he guessed you wished for him he would come that instant." + +"I am not going to ask him," said Lionel proudly. + +"What, I really think, is the reason of his stayin away," said Marian, +hesitating, "is about Mr. Faulkner. I think more especially now he is a +Clergyman, he will not have anything to do with him." + +"Ay, ay," said Lionel, "that is a reason good for something. I only +should like to do the same, except that if I was Walter I would have +done more long ago, instead of just keeping out of the way, and told +Caroline it was a regular shame, and she ought not to be taken in with +his fine speeches, and balls, and stuff." + +"I don't know--" said Marian. + +"What don't you know?" + +"How far even Walter would be authorised to interfere about what Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell approve." + +"Don't talk nonsense, Marian. If a thing is right, it is right, if it is +wrong, it's wrong, and all the world ought to try to prevent it. I know +I would, if anybody would mind me, for it makes me sick to see that man +come into the room, and the fuss mamma makes with him. I think he grows +worse. I declare I'd as soon see her marry Julian the Apostate! I am so +glad he is gone to those races. I should like to ask Caroline what sort +of happiness she expects with a man that talks of the Bible as if it was +no better than the Iliad! I only wish he would talk so to her, perhaps +that would shock her." + +"I don't think she is very happy," said Marian. + +"I am sure she ought not to be," was the answer. + +"The more talk there has been of fixing the day the more unhappy she has +looked," said Marian. "You know she has begged the Faulkners to let it +be put off a little longer, because she could not bear that it should be +while you are in this doubtful state." + +"I did not know it," said Lionel, "and much good does it do me! A nice +life I shall have with no one but Clara to speak to! And when is your +marriage, Marian? Mr. Arundel's, I mean, for that is as bad." + +"O that will not be till next summer," said Marian: "Mrs. Wortley wishes +Agnes to be twenty-one first, and Edmund has to build a house." + +And Marian was ready to forgive them for the delay when she saw how +glad it made Lionel look. Yes, rejoiced as she must be to escape from +Oakworthy, she could not go without a chequered feeling. If she was +adroit at managing people, she would make Clara take the place she held +now with Lionel, which would be good for both, but she was far too +clumsy to bring that about; and O! what a refuge Fern Torr would be +after all this harassing life! It would be better for Lionel not to have +her to divert his confidence from his own family, and at any rate she +should be there to help him through this sad autumn of uncertainty. Then +would come the peace, rest, and guidance she had longed for all her +life, in her own home, and that hope might well cheer her through life. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + "The brass, by long attrition tried, + Placed by the purer metal's side, + Displays at length a dingy hue, + That proves its former claim untrue; + So time's discerning hand hath art + To set the good and ill apart." + + +Lionel's affliction had certainly tended to lessen the gulf which the +engagement with Mr. Faulkner had made between Caroline and Marian. +Caroline was very anxious about her brother, and knowing that Marian had +his confidence, was continually coming to her for reports of his state +of mind and spirits, and with despairing questions as to what was likely +to please him,--questions which Marian was quite unqualified to answer, +and which were curious, since she had no tact, and Caroline had a great +deal. + +Thus it came to pass, that nightly sittings by each other's bed-room +fire were renewed, and long consultations took place, always at first +about Lionel, but sometimes branching to things in general, even as in +the olden time. Caroline was, however, very unlike what she had been a +year ago, when as Marian full well remembered, they had first talked of +Mr. Faulkner's visit. She was gayer in public, but her spirits were very +low when alone with Marian; and now and then the conversation flagged, +till she sat for full half an hour, her head on her hand, without a +word. At first she would try to excuse such a reverie, by calling +herself very tired; but as days went on, and it recurred, she smiled +as she woke from it, and told Marian "it was such repose to be with a +person who would let her be silent." + +There was much confidence in such silence. Marian began to grow even +more sorry for her than at first, because it was impossible to continue +to be angry; and tried in every way to show her kindness, becoming, +unconsciously, much more demonstrative in affection than ever she had +been before. On the day on which Lionel received the letter mentioned +at the end of the last chapter, Caroline came into Marian's room at +dressing-time; and after lingering about a little, she said, "Could +Lionel read that letter to day?" + +Marian shook her head sadly. + +"He brought it to you, then?" sighed Caroline, "Ah! I saw who it came +from." + +She looked wistfully at Marian, as if longing to hear something of the +letter, though she would not ask; and Marian, though much touched, was +determined against saying one word about it, however indifferent, as +she felt that, without Lionel's consent, she ought to be as mute as the +paper it was written upon. Caroline paused, then continued, "Do you +think he will ask you to write his answer for him?" + +"No, I think not. You know he wrote a note to Gerald in one of my +letters the other day. I dare say he will always be able to write; Mrs. +Wortley has a blind friend who does." + +Caroline did not answer, but gazed at the fire for almost ten minutes. +At last she said, "Poor Walter! I wonder what he is doing." + +"I am sure he must be making himself very useful," said Marian. + +"That is one thing we may be sure of," said Caroline, smiling +mournfully. "Walter is excellent wherever he is; but O, Marian," +continued she, in a voice of inexpressible sadness, "who would have told +me, a year ago, that all I should hear of Walter's ordination would be +in the newspaper?" + +Marian could make no answer but some sound expressive of sorrow. + +"He has only written to me once since--since June!" proceeded Caroline, +in the same utterly dejected tone. + +Then Walter had remonstrated, which was a great comfort to Marian, by +restoring him to his place in her estimation. Still she maintained her +expressive silence, and Caroline went on after another interval. "You +and he have been consistent from the first, Marian." + +At that moment Fanny came in, and no more could be said, for Marian +was obliged to dress for dinner in a hurry. She took an opportunity of +saying to Lionel that evening, something about the pleasure it would +give Caroline if he would tell her about his letter. + +"What! you have been telling her about it?" said he, in a tone of great +vexation; "that is always the way with women--no trusting them!" + +"No, indeed, Lionel, I said not one word; but she saw it was Walter's +writing." + +"And you went and told her I could not read it?" + +"If she asked me, what could I do but speak the truth?" said Marian +gently; but he only made an impatient exclamation. + +"I gave not the least hint of what it was about," added Marian, +pleadingly. "Of course I could not think of that, nor she either; but +she looked as if she did so long for some news of Walter: she has not +heard from him since the summer." + +"That is her own fault," said Lionel, in his surly voice. + +"That only makes it the worse for her. She is so much out of spirits, +Lionel; and if you would only tell her that part about his schools and +his lodging, I am sure she would be so much obliged to you." + +"I shan't do any such thing," was his reply; "I always keep my letters +to myself, and I wish you would not talk about me." + +He turned sharply away, and crossed the room; but his temper was not +improved by the consequences of his stumbling over a footstool which had +been left full in the way, and in rather a dark place, where it would +have been a trap for any one. He recovered in an instant without +falling; so that it would not have signified if Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell +had not both been startled. The former issued an edict that no +stumbling-block should be left in the way, and the latter entered upon +an investigation as to who had been the delinquent in the present case, +so as to make a great deal of discussion of the very worst kind for +Lionel. + +Thenceforth the evening was uncomfortable. Marian felt as if she +was guilty of all, and was extremely provoked with herself for that +blundering way of driving at her point, which made things worse when she +most wanted to set them right. She had not comforted Caroline, and +she had led poor Lionel to fancy his confidence betrayed, and himself +discussed and--as he would call it--gossiped about. No wonder he looked +as if she had been injuring him; yet, unjust as it was, she had only her +own mal-adroitness to blame. A person of tact would have smoothed it all +at once, instead of ruffling everything up. + +The tact Marian longed for is a natural talent; the consideration, the +delicacy of feeling, that she really had, were a part of her sterling +goodness, such as may be acquired by all; and her thorough truth, +trustiness, kindness, and above all her single-mindedness, had a value, +where she was really known, which weighed down, in the long run, all +that was involuntarily against her in manner, and won her not only +esteem, but such warm affection, such thorough reliance, as neither she +herself, nor those who felt it could fathom. Tact is an excellent thing, +but genuine love to our neighbour, seeking to show true kindness, +delicacy, and consideration,--striving in fact to do as it would be done +by,--is as much more precious, as a spiritual gift is than a natural +quality. + +That very night, as Marian was sitting in her own room in her +dressing-gown, pondering on these unfortunate blunders, there was a +knock at her door, and in came Caroline. Sitting down by the fire, she +held out a letter on two or three sheets of closely written notepaper. +"Read that, Marian," said she, turning her face straight, to the fire as +she gave it. + +It was from Walter, and the date showed that it had been written, +immediately on receiving the announcement of Caroline's engagement. +It was grave, earnest, and affectionate; not accusing Mr. Faulkner of +anything, not positively objecting to him, but reminding Caroline of the +solemnity of the duties she was about to undertake, and of the extreme +danger of allowing herself to be so attracted by agreeableness of +manner, or led on by the opinion of those around her, as to forget that +the connection she was about to form was to last for life, and that she +must be responsible for the influence her husband would exercise on her +life here, and therefore on her life hereafter. He said he was sure she +could not enter lightly on such an engagement, and therefore trusted +that her own mind was thoroughly convinced that she had chosen one +who would be a guide, an aid, and a support in the path that all were +treading. + +It was exactly Walter's way, as Marian well knew, to manage to say, in +his simple, and as he thought, guarded manner of representing things, +what to sharper people had very much the air of irony; and as she gave +back the letter, her observation, as the first that would occur, was, +"It is very like Walter." + +"Very," said Caroline. + +"Did you answer him?" + +"I wrote again, but--but"--her voice began to fail--"it was not an +answer. I would not seem to understand him. I wrote a lively, careless +sort of letter, and only said papa and mamma were delighted, or +something of that kind. And O, Marian, Marian, he has never written to +me again, and I have deserved it." She burst into tears. + +"But why don't you write now? He must be very anxious to hear of Lionel, +and there is no one to tell him." + +"I cannot," she replied; "I cannot, while--while he thinks of me as he +must--as he ought!" She wept bitterly, and Marian stood by perplexed and +distressed. "Dear Caroline," was the utmost that she could say. + +"Marian!" cried Caroline, looking up for a moment, then hiding her face +again--"I would give anything in the world that he had been at home last +summer; or that you had slept at High Down that night." + +A flash of hope and joy came across Marian. "If you think so," she +began, but Caroline cut her short. "I know what you mean, but that it? +impossible, quite Impossible--decidedly so," she added, as if these +assurances were to strengthen her own belief in its impossibility, and +not arguing, from a consciousness that her friend would overthrow every +one of her arguments. "I don't know what made me come to you, and tease +you," said she, rising and taking her letter; "good night." + +"Tease me! O, Caroline, Caroline, you know--" + +What she knew was lost in a most affectionate embrace; but Caroline +would not stay any longer, and left Marian as usual, regretting +everything that had passed. + +The nest night, however, Caroline came again, as if there was some +irresistible spell that drew her to Marian. It was Sunday, and Marian +had long since observed that on such days Caroline was always most out +of spirits. She sat down, and let a long time pass without talking; but +at last she said, "Marian, it is very kind in you to let me come and sit +here. You cannot--no--you will never know how wretched I am." + +"My dear, dear Caroline, if I could but do anything for you! but," she +proceeded, gathering resolution from her day's reflections, "you are the +only person who can do anything for yourself." + +"Impossible!" repeated Caroline. + +Marian was not exactly silenced, but involved in deep considerations +as to the propriety of interfering, and whether attempting to persuade +Caroline would be doing evil that good might come. Before she had made +up her mind,--as, indeed, how could she in five minutes come to a +conclusion to which hours of previous perplexity had failed to bring +her?--Caroline spoke again, "If it had but never begun! but now it has, +it must go on." + +"I don't know--" + +"It must, I tell you!" repeated Caroline. "If it had all to begin over +again, it would be very different. O, if it was but this time last +year!" + +"But Caroline, Caroline," repeated Marian, carried away by the thought +that rose to her lips, "only think; you say now if it was this time last +year--now, while you can escape. Shall not you say so all the more when +it is really too late,--when you will wish you had drawn back now?" + +"You have no right to say I should wish, that!" said Caroline, offended. +"You don't know what the love is that you are holding so cheaply." + +"I beg your pardon, Caroline," and Marian was thrown into herself again; +but she thought a little longer, and seeing that Caroline was still +waiting and musing, she ventured on saying, in a timid voice, "Somehow, +I think, it would seem to me that the more affection there was, the more +painful it would all be." + +"You are right there, Marian," exclaimed Caroline, in a voice of acute +feeling. + +It was a strange question that Marian next asked abruptly, on an impulse +sudden at the moment, though it was what she had long eagerly desired to +know. "Do you love him after all?" + +Caroline did not seem vexed by the inquiry, but went on speaking rather +as if she was examining herself as to the answer,--"Love him? I don't +know; sometimes I think I do, sometimes I think not. It is not as +people in books love, and--and it can't be as your Agnes must love Mr. +Arundel." + +A most emphatic "O no!" escaped from Marian, she hardly knew how, as if +it was profanation to compare Mr. Faulkner to Edmund; and perhaps the +strongest proof that Caroline's was not a real attachment, was that she +let it pass. "But then," pursued she warmly, "I am sure he is attached +to me--yes, very much--and--well, and I am glad to see him come into the +room; I like to walk with him. There is no one--no--no one in the whole +world whom I like so well. All my doubts and fears go away at the first +sound of his voice, and I am quite happy then. O, Marian, that surely is +love?" + +"I don't know," said Marian; "I can't fancy love that has not begun with +esteem, with looking up," + +"I do look up!" said Caroline, eagerly. "He is so clever, so sensible, +has such a mind." + +"I did not mean looking up intellectually," + +"Ah! you can live in that way," said Caroline, quickly; "your own people +are all of _that sort_. But you know I should never have had any one at +all to love, if I had begun looking for _that kind of thing_, even at +home." + +Too true, thought Marian, while she answered, "It is a different thing +where you have to begin afresh, and take it voluntarily upon you." + +"Voluntarily!" repeated Caroline; "I am sure my will had very little +to do with it. I found myself in the midst of it, without knowing how, +before I had made up my mind one way or the other. O, Marian! if you had +but been with me that morning." + +"Would that have prevented you?" + +"I do really believe it would. You would have looked as if you thought +it so impossible, that I should have been strengthened up to do +something they could not have taken for consent. I'll tell you all about +it, Marian, from the beginning, and you will see how little free will I +had in it, and how distracted I am now." + +Caroline went through the whole story, incoherently, and often only half +expressing her sentiments, and passing over what Marian knew already. +It seemed that she had been pleased with Mr. Faulkner's agreeableness, +flattered by his attention, and entered upon the same sort of +intercourse with him as with any other pleasant acquaintance. It would +never have been her way, brought up as she had been, to shrink from him +with such shuddering aversion as Marian did, simply from what she had +heard of his opinions. He was so agreeable, that it was just as well +quite to forget that, or only half to believe it. Then came the growing +perceptions of his intentions towards her, and of her mother's triumph +in them. But this was not till the archery arrangements were so far +advanced, that she could not have drawn back from them; and she was, +besides, in a whirl of gaiety and excitement that left little time for +serious thought: that she put off till his offer should be made, if it +was really coming. It came, and when she did not expect it. She knew +not what to do she was too confused for consideration. The next day was +bewilderment, and in the evening she found herself engaged. The new +sensation given her by her lover's affection, her genuine admiration of +his personal superiority, and wonder at herself for having attracted +such a man,--her gratitude to his family for their kindness, the triumph +of her parents,--all formed such a mixture of pleasurable, almost +intoxicating feelings, as at first to giddy her, (or, as the French will +express it, _l'ètourdir_,) as to what she had done, and what she +was about to do. Marian's grave, still face, and omission of one +congratulatory, even of one sympathetic word, were indeed witnesses; but +the impression of her unaccommodating ways was then recent, and +Caroline thought of her as one who showed goodness to be unpleasing and +impracticable, and looked on her silent disapproval as part of that +system of severity in which, she was consistent, but which her conduct +only proved to be absurd and unreasonable. + +In the same spirit Caroline disregarded Walter's letter,--only a letter, +which could therefore be laid aside, and which, in truth, did not say +all he meant as forcibly or as well as it might have been said, since, +as every one knew, Walter was more good than clever. A tenderness of +feeling, reminding her that Walter loved her, would not let her destroy +the letter, or be offended; but she intrenched herself in her parents' +satisfaction, and being resolved not to attend to it, she would not seem +to understand it. So time passed; at first she was really not exactly +happy, but possessing what passed very well for happiness with herself +and every one else; then came a time when an effort became necessary to +persuade herself that she was so. It was not that Mr. Faulkner showed +his character more openly, or startled her with any such plain +expressions as had so much shocked Lionel; for he held that most subtle +and perilous of all views partaking of unbelief,--that Christianity was +the best and most beautiful form of religion yet promulgated, that it +was all very well now for women and weak-minded people, and it was a +step to some wonderful perfectibility, which was a sort of worship of an +essence of beauty and intellect. + +He did not say such things to her, but they were the principles on which +all his sentiments were founded: and as she knew him mire and more +intimately, compared and discussed their tastes and likings, and the +grounds on which they were formed, there were tokens, which could not +help now and then showing themselves, of those opinions of which Marian +had warned her. + +Very slow was she to admit the conviction, for she was growing much +attached to him; and whenever he praised the beauty, the poetry, the +morality, the majesty of anything belonging to religion, she caught at +it and silenced all her doubts with it,--hoped she had silenced them for +ever,--but the perception would return that it was only the beauty that +he praised, because it was beauty, and struck him as such. Shade upon +shade, imperceptible in itself, but each tint adding to its depth, +the cloud of misgiving darkened, and though she tried to fight it +off,--though she told herself it was too late,--though she was very +angry with herself for it, there it still hung; and the ever-present +consciousness of Marian's disapproval heightened it, till in impatient +moods she began to dislike Marian, and wish her out of the house, + +Then came the news of Edmund Arundel's engagement, rousing Marian into +such a glow of warm-hearted delight, as to waken Caroline to a complete +sense of her power of affection, as well as of the contrast of the +manner in which she regarded the prospects of her two friends. Caroline +grew more unhappy, and strove both against her own growing wretchedness, +and an almost magnetic attraction, which drew her to impart it all to +Marian, in spite of the chill with which it would be first met, and of +the advice which could never be taken; whilst a yearning, longing desire +for the long-suspended intercourse with Walter, and a sense of his +displeasure, formed no slight portion of her miserable feelings. The +arrangements for her marriage she looked on as part of her destiny,--at +any rate, they occupied her mind; and there would be an end, after that, +of these dreadful and vain doubts. + +In the midst of all this, poor Lionel's threatened misfortune gave +Caroline, as it were, a glimpse down a long dark road, where nothing had +ever yet caused her to look; yet who could say whether it might not +be her's to tread it? Affliction, sickness, sorrow, death, certain at +last,--there was but one stay in them; and what if she should lose +it,--if she was losing it already? I She thought of bearing them with +_him_,--of the hollowness, the fallacy, the utter misery of trying to be +sustained by aught that had not its foundations firmly fixed beyond the +grave,--of not looking as sorrow as fatherly chastisement. (Caroline +hardly yet entered into its still higher claim,) or at death as the gate +of life. And O! if she loved him as her husband, what would it be to see +him die, thinking, or even having thought, as he too surely did? All the +train of fallacies about sincerity rather than forms of faith,--all the +hopes that he might yet be brought to see the truth, and that she might +be the means, were only soporifics for a moment, which failed to still +the ever growing agony. She knew there was nothing in them, and that +they were only extenuations; but still, amid all her unhappiness, there +was a resolution to persevere, a want of moral courage which determined +her to go on, and enter on such a life as this, rather than go through +all that would ensue on an attempt to break off the match. Thus, though +her reluctance was increasing, and she now sought to put off the +decisive day, instead of precipitating it, as at first, all she +attempted was to have the wedding deferred in consequence of her +brother's condition; and though, logically taken, there was no great +reason in the request, every one agreed it was a very amiable feeling, +and so her desire was complied with. She would have avoided Marian more +than ever, but this could hardly be, now that her cousin was in fuller +sympathy, with all the family than she had ever been before; and little +as was her immediate power with Lionel, Caroline would have given worlds +even for that. Thus, as has been shown, the old sympathy grew up again; +the root, blighted months ago, shot out once more, and at last accident +and impulse led Caroline to do what she had little expected ever to have +done,--to pour out all her griefs, cares, and doubts to Marian, knowing +all the time what she would say, and resolved against her advice, yet +irresistibly impelled to go on, as if talking would relieve her of her +burthen, and resting on the solid, firm truth of that deep love, which +manifested itself by few tokens indeed, but those were of extreme worth. + +The confession was a perplexity and a sorrow to Marian while it was +being made, though she was very glad it had been done; and how intense +were the affection and compassion for Caroline that filled her heart is +beyond all power of narration. She answered with earnest sympathy, at +each step helped out the broken words, and showed her comprehension of +the pauses. She was a perfect listener in all but one respect; she +would not give the counsel Caroline wanted; and she would not have been +Marian, she would not have had her own reality and bracing severity, if +she had. She could not cheer Caroline up, bid her banish fear, and look +forward to happiness; she could not even tell her there was no help for +it: she only said, "I don't know," and sat considering whenever Caroline +reiterated that it was impossible, and too late. + +Some power those "I don't knows" had beyond eloquence; for when Caroline +had seven times fully proved how entirely out of the question any +attempt to escape from her destiny would be, she ended by asking, in +quite a different tone, "What would you have me do?" + +The reply was, of course, "I don't know;" but this was immediately +followed by a repetition of the former counsel, "Write to Walter." + +Caroline could not--would not; it would be of no use: poor Walter should +not be tormented. If, in his strict sense of right, he chose to come and +try, as he would think, to save her, there would be nothing but uproar +and confusion in the family; and to think of him, with his timidity, +bringing his father's anger on himself for her sake, seemed to her +at the moment beyond all things dreadful. No, no, no, it was utterly +impossible; and therewith the fire being out, and the clock striking +two, Caroline thanked Marian for her kindness, said it was all of no +use, kissed her, and bade her good night. + +Marian thought no good was done, and only made herself very unhappy at +seeing her led, by weakness, to sacrifice herself against her better +judgment. The next night, Caroline came again, and the conversation was +resumed, or rather gone over again, with no more satisfactory result +than before; and so it was the next, and the next. To be comforter and +adviser sounds like a delightful privilege, and so, thought Marian, it +would be, if one could only do it; but to have all the opportunity,--to +have people coming for comfort, and not in the least be able to afford +it, neither to relieve them, nor to be sure that she had not done them +harm was to the highest degree painful and unsatisfactory. And from +Lionel's repinings to Caroline's doubts, she went, suffering for each, +equally unable to console either, and wondering which was the saddest +case. Lionel's was, she thought, far the best, if he would but perceive +it; but then Caroline's might yet be remedied, if she had but strength +for one struggle. All that Marian could do without mistrust, was to pray +for them both, and to pray that she might not be the means of doing them +harm. + +She saw how wrong it would be in her, personally to interfere between +Caroline and her parents' wishes; and it was this that made her adhere +to that one piece of advice, that Walter should be written to, since on +his judgment and sense of right there was the most absolute reliance; +and, both as brother and Clergyman, he was by far the most proper person +for Caroline to consult, or to act for her. + +For three days, however, it was all in vain, Caroline would not write; +and she began to despair, and to grow angry with the feebleness that +would not take one step in the right direction. On the fourth, Caroline, +who the night before had seemed as averse as ever, showed her, as she +crossed the hall on the way to luncheon, a letter directed to +the Reverend Walter Lyddell. Her heart leapt, but as she smiled +satisfaction, she saw Caroline's face so wan, dejected, and miserable, +that she could not make herself too happy. There were other doubts, now +that this point was gained, as to how Walter might be able to manage +Caroline,--whether he would lead her to the right, or unconsciously turn +her to the wrong, by his want of skilfulness; what might be his idea of +her duty to her parents, or to her promise; whether he might think +it right to take upon himself to advise, or whether either he or his +sister, when it came to the point, would have nerve enough to excite +their father's displeasure. + +The only thing Marian thought at all favourable, was that Elliot and Mr. +Faulkner were both at Newmarket, and there was no present appearance of +their coming home. Elliot was likely to make more opposition than any +one else, and Mr. Faulkner's influence was of course to be dreaded. +Indeed, had he been at hand, believing, as Caroline did, in his +affection for her, it was most probable that she would never have spoken +of her misgivings at all, and very possibly have hardly acknowledged +them to herself. + +Caroline's letter had been written on Thursday. It was Monday, and no +answer had come, which caused her to look more worn and dispirited than +before, unable even to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness which she +had hitherto assumed when with the rest of the family. It was a cold, +gloomy, wintry day, with gusts of sleety rain, and no one chose to +attempt going out, except Marian and Lionel, the former of whom was +a systematic despiser of weather, and never was hurt by anything but +staying in-doors, while the latter would rather have done anything than +idle away a whole afternoon as well as a morning in the drawing-room. +Even they thought it too bad for riding; so after making the circuit of +the park, they went into the town, where Lionel wanted to buy a silk +handkerchief. He had been told the day before that his neck-tie was +growing unfit to be seen, he did not choose to ask any one to get one +for him, and it was against his will that he was obliged to take Marian +to secure him from buying "any thing awful," as he expressed it. + +The purchase prospered very well, Lionel hoped that the shopman had not +found out how entirely he trusted to his companion for the choice, and +was proud that his old precaution of substituting a key for a slider at +the gold end of his purse, had saved him from making any mistakes about +the money. They were walking away, arm in arm; it was not yet necessary +to guide him, but Marian thought, beginning now would soften the first +commencement of dependence. And, indeed, even in the holidays Lionel, in +his first tail-coat, had been well-pleased to find himself man enough to +have his arm taken by a young lady. + +A carriage was passing. "There is Walter!" joyfully exclaimed Marian, as +she saw the well-known spectacled face peering from the window of one of +the carriages from the Great Western Station. + +"Walter! what, come at last?" cried Lionel, looking up and frowning in +that painful way that had become habitual to him when he strained his +eyes to see distinctly. Walter had at the same moment spied them, +stopped, thrown the door open, sprung out, and was shaking hands with +them, but scarcely speaking. He turned again to order the driver to go +on and set his things down at the house, and then joined his brother and +cousin, looting very anxiously at Lionel, whose arm Marian had quitted, +and still keeping silence. Marian on her side was very glad; but at the +same time almost overcome by the thought of what this return home must +be to Walter, and feeling a strange, solemn sensation at first meeting +her cousin and companion, after he had become in an especial manner +the servant of the Most High. He was Walter still, Walter with his +near-sighted eyes, and nervous manner, yet he was so much more, and his +clerical dress would not let her forget it for a moment. + +Lionel was the most unembarrassed of the three, he was very glad to +meet his brother, and wishing to show that he could bear his troubles +manfully, he spoke joyously, "So you have thought better of it and come +at last, Walter; I hope it is for a good long time." + +"Only till Saturday," was Walter's answer. + +"Well, that is something, only I can't think why you did not come +before." + +Walter murmured something about having been much occupied, and then +seemed to be watching Lionel too intently to say any more. Marian +thought the brothers would get on much better without her, and, coming +to a cottage, said she wanted to speak to somebody in it. "O Marian, we +will wait for you," said Walter, with a pleading look, and she saw from +his agitated, fidgeting manner, that he was excessively nervous at the +notion of being left to take care of Lionel back to the house. + +"Very well," she said, "I will not be a moment;" and delivering her +message, which had been only devised as an excuse, she walked on with +them, in a sort of despair as to Walter's being of any use. "If he is +afraid to walk home with Lionel," thought she, "what will it be about +stirring up his father? Why cannot people have a little courage?" She +consoled herself by remembering that Walter could not know the degree of +Lionel's blindness, and probably thought it worse than it yet was; but +even if it had been total, she could not see that he need have been +afraid of guiding him in the street and through the park. If it was the +additional nervousness, of disliking to begin on so painful a subject, +that she thought worse than all. Marian being by no means troubled with +nerves herself, had little toleration for women who had them; and none +at all for men. She thought the case lost, and half repented of her +advice to write to Walter, yet she did not know what else she could +possibly have said. Lionel talked on, told who was at home, and what +every one was about, and when Johnny had last been heard of, all in a +bright, lively tone, not exactly assumed, for he was much cheered by +his brother's arrival, and yet partly from the wonted desire of showing +himself happy. Walter did not make much reply, but when Lionel after +saying Elliot was at Newmarket, added, "And Mr. Faulkner is there too, +so you won't have the pleasure of an introduction," he started, and +Marian saw the trembling of his lips. + +Thus they reached the house, and Lionel dashed forward In his own +headlong way before them, to announce Walter's coming. Then Walter +looked at Marian, saying, "Then it is not so bad yet?" + +"O no, it is only that he cannot see anything distinctly; he cannot bear +not to be independent." + +They were entering the hall by this time, and his mother and sisters had +come out to meet Walter, Caroline very white and trembling, and holding +by the back of a chair instead of coming forward; Mrs. Lyddell kissed +him, and seemed more affectionate than usual, for it had been a great +pleasure to her to see Lionel rush in with that animated face, and a +shout such as he used to get into disgrace for. + +Nothing came to pass that evening, there were no private conferences, +and there was nothing remarkable, excepting that Lionel was quite merry +and talkative, and Caroline more silent than ever, seeming hardly to +attend even when Walter was sitting between her and Clara, talking to +Marian and Lionel about the beautiful arrangements of Church and school +in his new curacy. At night she was in such a terrible agitation, +walking up and down the rooms so restless and wretched that Marian, +seriously afraid she would be quite ill the next day, persuaded her with +great difficulty, to go to bed, and did not leave her till very late at +night, when she had read her to sleep. + +It was a, great relief to find her pretty well in the morning, at least +with nothing worse than a headache. She and Walter both disappeared +after breakfast, and did not come down till luncheon time, when she +looked so ill that Mrs. Lyddell was alarmed and insisted on her lying +down and keeping quiet. Then Mrs. Lyddell said that Walter ought to go +and call on Lady Julia Faulkner, and offered to take him there. Marian +looked at him by stealth, and could have gasped for breath, for by what +he did now, she thought she could see what line he would take. + +"Thank you," he said, or rather hesitated, "but don't let me interrupt +your plans. I thought I heard something about--about. Salisbury. I have +something to do there." + +"The girls did talk of wanting to go," said Mrs. Lyddell. "Did not you, +Marian or Clara, which was it?" + +"My watch wants to have something done to it," put in Lionel, whose +father had given him a repeater, which of course began its career by +doing anything but going properly. + +"Well, perhaps it will he as well to go to Salisbury to-day, as Caroline +has this headache. She never likes going there, and she may be able to +go with us to High Down to-morrow." + +So it was settled, and they left the luncheon table. Marian happened to +be the last lady, and whether it was fancy or not she was not sure, but +she thought she heard on Walter's lips, a self-reproachful whisper of +"Coward." + +The expedition to Salisbury, in which Marian was obliged to take part, +prevented her from seeing anything of Caroline till the evening, and +then as soon as Clara was out of the way Caroline rose up, caught hold +of her hand, and exclaimed, "O, Marian, what have you made me do?" then +walked about in a paroxysm of distress, almost terrible to witness. + +"Caroline, dearest, O don't!" cried Marian quite frightened; "do try to +be calm! O what is it?" + +"O it will all be misery!" said Caroline, sitting down and clasping her +hands over her face, "I little knew what it would be when you made me +write to Walter. He says it would be wickedness--yes, those were his +words--he called it wickedness in me to go on with it, as I feel now!" + +"And you mean to--" + +"I cannot tell--I don't know--he must do as he pleases; O it will make +me wild! He must do as he pleases, for I must be wretched either way," + +"Dear Caroline--but O! how much better to be unhappy for the sake of +doing right than when--" + +"Yes, yes--so he said--but O! the horror. It kills me even to think of +what it will be! O, Marian, Marian--" + +"It will be over in time," said Marian; "but O! I am glad you have made +up your mind--" + +"No, I have not--at least I must, I suppose--for after what Walter said +I can't go on. Walter's words would be a dagger--O! I don't know what +they would be, all the rest of my life if I did. No--you and Walter must +have your own way; I am too wretched already to care what becomes of +inc. But he--O Marian, I never can--" + +"If it is right you can," said Marian. + +"You can, but you don't know what you say to me," said Caroline. "Right +has never been to me what it is to you." + +"Yes, indeed it has, dear Caroline, or you would not be making this +struggle now. Indeed there must be strength in you, or you would have +gone on without faltering." + +"Walter said he should never have spoken one word after that first +letter, if I had not begun," said Caroline; "but when he saw my mind +misgave me, and I wanted help, he thought it his duty to come and set +it all before me. O, Marian, he said dreadful things; I did not think +Walter could have been so cruel. O, such things! He made me look at the +Marriage Service, and say how I could answer those things; and he talked +about death and the Last Day. He said it would be a presumptuous sin, +and a profaning of the holy ordinance for me to come to it, knowing and +thinking and feeling as I do. O what things he said! and yet he was very +kind to me." + +"Well, and--" + +"I left it all to him. I knew it would be misery, and I did not care in +what way; but then, Marian, O! worse than all, he said it must be my own +doing." + +"I suppose it must." + +"He said he would help me; but I was the only person who had a right to +do anything! O, Marian, Marian, I wish I could die." + +"It will be over in time!" repeated Marian. + +"Yes, but it will not be over. Mamma, papa, O I shall be reproached with +it for ever; I shall know I have made _him_ unhappy. O would that I +could begin all over again!" + +"You will have comfort at last in having been strong. The greater the +effort the nobler it is! O, Caroline, do only hold out nobly. It is so +glorious to have something to suffer for the sake of doing right!" + +"Glorious!" murmured Caroline, her desponding gaze raised to contemplate +the grand head, fine brow, firm lips, and dark glancing eye, turned up +for a moment in the enthusiastic spirit of self-devotion. That look, +unknowing as was Marian that she wore it, penetrated into Caroline's +soul, and warmed her too with the temper of martyrdom. "Glorious;" she +repeated a second time, and the tone was not so broken and hopeless as +before. + +"To be sure it is!" said Marian, going on with her own thoughts, "and it +is so seldom people can ever partake of it, in ever so slight a degree, +in these days; I always think it so beautiful where the account is given +of the Apostles' great joy when they found a persecution was really +going to begin." + +"Persecution--yes, real persecution." + +"And every suffering for the sake of the truth, for conscience' sake, +must partake a little of that, I suppose," said Marian reverently. + +There they were interrupted by Clara, who came to call Marian down +stairs. Caroline came too, which the others had not expected. She was +more calm and composed, and her headache was supposed by her mother to +account for her want of spirits. She went to bed early, begging Marian +to come and visit her when she came up. Marian contrived to do so as +soon as possible, and found her already in bed, quiet and comfortable. +"Marian," she said, "I have made up my mind. Now read to me, if you +please." + +She was worn out with agitation and sleeplessness, and soothed with +having come to a determination, she soon fell asleep, and Marian went +to her own room, wondering over the part Walter had acted, and what he +might be going to do next, whether he had led or driven his sister, and +how far the courage of principle would avail to subdue natural timidity. + +Caroline was pretty well the next morning, but the time was broken up in +various ways, so that it was not till the afternoon that she could see +Walter again in private. Lionel was considerably disconcerted when he +found himself left to Marian. He had no notion of what was going on, had +believed Walter's return to be entirely on his account, and was much +disappointed at not having more of his company; for though both had been +of the party to Salisbury, one had been outside the carriage and the +other inside, so that they had not seen much of each other, and this +morning had been interrupted. He was so much vexed and inclined to be +hurt, by what he felt as a slight on his brother's part, that Marian +could not resist telling him what she knew would console him. "I don't +think you will mind it, Lionel, when you know why it is that Caroline +wants him." + +"Ha?" said Lionel, "you don't mean that she has thought better of it, +and is going to send Julian the Apostate to the right about. Eh? You +don't say so. Well, then there is some good in Caroline after all! But +then what should she want of Walter?" + +"To help her, to advise her." + +"Well, if she likes, but I can't see what advice she wants. She has only +got to make him a curtsey and say, 'Very much obliged to you, sir, but I +had rather be excused.'" + +Marian could not help laughing, in spite of her deep feeling on the +matter, and Lionel, who had acted the voice and the curtsey, laughed +too, and then perhaps ashamed of making fun of such an affair, added, +"It is the best news I have heard this long time. What, and that is what +she has been so dismal about these last few days, is it?" + +"Yes, she has been very unhappy indeed. It is a terrible struggle." + +"What? she likes him, does she? Poor Cary! After all I am glad she is +coming right again, she is very good natured, and a great deal too good +for Ju--. Ah! you won't have him called so, I know. They have taken a +good time for it now he is away and Elliot too, but what a tremendous +row there will be about it. Mamma thought it was such a speculation for +Caroline." + +"Yes, I am afraid she will have a great deal to go through." + +"Yes," said Lionel, pondering gravely for some minutes; then asking +"What is going to be done?" + +"I don't know in the least; I believe she is settling with Walter +to-day." + +"Then nobody knows about it yet?" + +There was no more to do but to have the satisfaction of talking over the +engagement together, an occupation which put Lionel into particularly +good spirits, and made their walk very pleasant. In the next glimpse +which Marian had of Caroline, she learnt that Walter had undertaken to +speak to his father that very evening. Caroline looked ghastly white as +she said so in a whisper, but her dreadful agitation seemed to have +left her; she had evidently quite made up her mind, though she said she +believed it would never have been done if it had rested with her to +begin by telling either of her parents. Both she and Marian knew that +nothing but a spirit of moral heroism could have braced Walter to bear +the first brunt of his father's wrath, and she was very much shocked at +her own weakness in suffering it, but still it was much in her to allow +it to be done. + +That the conversation had taken place at night, when all the rest had +retired, was evident to Marian when they met the nest morning from the +very dark, severe loots of Mr Lyddell, from his wife's impatient angry +manner, and sharper, louder voice. Walter was almost absolutely silent, +Caroline went through the forms of breakfast as if she was in a dream, +Lionel frowned, fidgeted, and tried with all his might, poor boy, to +scan the faces which were daily growing more obscure to his vision; even +Clara saw something was wrong, and glanced from one to the other in a +puzzled, alarmed manner When they left the dining-room, Marian heard +Mrs. Lyddell say, "Caroline, I want you." She flew up to her own room, +and hiding her face, as she knelt down, she entreated earnestly that her +poor Caroline might have steadfastness to go through this fearful trial. +She was interrupted by Clara, begging to know what was the matter, if +anything was wrong about Mr. Faulkner; she thought Lionel knew, but when +she him be would do nothing but crow like a cock. Marian would have been +glad if she could have made any equally convenient demonstration instead +of an answer, but she could only say that she had heard nothing of Mr. +Faulkner, and could not tell Clara anything about the matter. + +"Do you know anything?" said Clara. + +"I do know." + +"Ah! you are in all Caroline's secrets now, and that is very odd; you +who used to hate the Faulkners. Well, but are not you coming down?" + +In spite of his cock-crowings, Lionel was very anxious, and when in the +course of that long desultory forlorn morning he was left alone with +Marian, he earnestly asked her what she knew. "Nothing" was her answer. + +"O if Caroline will but hold out!" he exclaimed, "that will be what I +call being good for something! I hope mamma won't be desperately angry, +for that I could stand less than anything, it goes on so much longer +with her than with papa." + +"She will be very much disappointed. O how I wish I knew what is +happening!" + +It was a long time before any intelligence could be gained: Mrs. Lyddell +was very much flushed, and looked extremely displeased when she came +down, hardly speaking to any one but Lionel, and glancing most sternly +at Marian, Caroline did not come down at all, and when Marian was going +up stairs after luncheon, Mrs. Lyddell said with extreme coldness, "Do +not go to Caroline, if you please, I wish her to be left quiet." + +Marian was in great consternation, since it was evident that Mrs. +Lyddell perceived how her influence had been exerted, and was very much +offended, indeed it was no wonder that she should be. Nothing but "very +well" could be said so she quietly prepared to go out. Lionel had his +brother this afternoon and did not want her, so she had only Clara for +her companion full of surmises and of excitement. When she came in and +was on her way to her room, Caroline opened her door. "Marian! O will +you not come to me?" cried she imploringly. + +Marian could not but comply, indeed she had no hesitation, for she +thought Mrs. Lyddell's injunction only applied to the time before she +went out. + +"O, cheer me up, comfort me, Marian!" said Caroline, drawing her +cousin's arm round her waist, "I do want it so much!" + +"You are going on bravely then!" said Marian, caressing her. + +"Bravely!" sighed Caroline; "No, indeed, but I have held firmly so far! +I could not but stand by poor Walter, you know, when he confronted it +all for me! I could not say much--I could only cry--but I took care they +should not think I consented again." + +"And is Mrs. Lyddell very much displeased?" + +"O, don't speak of it, Marian. I cannot bear it." + +The door opened and Mrs. Lyddell entered, and the air of indignant +surprise on seeing Marian called for an answer: "I beg your pardon, I +thought you only meant me not to go to Caroline just after luncheon," +said Marian. + +"I wish matters, such as we have been discussing, to be confined +entirely to our own family," replied Mrs. Lyddell, too angry not to say +something, yet too much afraid of Marian not to say it very courteously. + +"Mamma!" said Caroline eagerly, "only hear me. I assure you that not one +word did Marian ever say to me till I voluntarily went to her a week +ago, because I was so very miserable I could bear it no longer." + +"I should have thought your mother the proper person to go to in such a +case. Miss Arundel's sentiments had so long been visible, that you could +have no doubt of the advice you would receive from her." + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said Marian, collecting herself, and speaking slowly, +"I am very sorry I have appeared to act a part which I know must seem +unjustifiable. I never spoke to--to Caroline" (the remembrance of Lionel +prevented her from saying to any one) "of my opinion of this engagement, +after it was formed, till she came to me for advice, in her distress. I +could not speak against my conscience, and I tried not to forget what +was due to you. I only begged her to write to her brother as the fittest +person to help her, as being a clergyman. I beg your pardon for having +acted against your wishes." So saying, Marian went out, surprised and +alarmed at finding herself in open opposition to Mrs. Lyddell, and +bewildered as to how she ought to have acted. Her comfort was in looking +forward to the refuge at Fern Torr, and she smiled as she compared Mrs. +Lyddell with her other guardian's future wife. + +Mrs. Lyddell wished her at Fern Torr fully as much as she did. She had +already become jealous of Lionel's preference, and it was too galling to +find the affection of her children stolen from her by that cold, pale, +proud, unprepossessing girl. Had the love been on the part of Elliot or +Walter, Mrs. Lyddell would hardly have regretted it, considering Miss +Arundel's large fortune and high connexions; but nothing was less +probable than this, and Marian's influence over Caroline was at present, +in Mrs. Lyddell's eyes, only a source of mischief. + +Lionel was alone in the drawing-room, and met Marian eagerly inquiring +"What news?" + +"I have hardly seen her. Has Walter told you nothing?" + +"No; he thinks I don't know, and I was not going to let on that you told +me. Is she steady?" + +"Yes, so far." + +"That is right," said Lionel, thoughtfully, "I am very sorry for her, +but I shall think the better of her ever after." + +"Have you been out with Walter?" + +"Yes, we have had a very nice talk." + +Here Walter came down, and began to talk to Marian about schools and +lending libraries. + +It was a strange state of things, with all those different pairs of +confidential friends. Both Marian and Walter were the stay and support +of Caroline and Lionel; yet, though acting in concert, and perfectly +agreed, not saying a word in confidence to each other on either head. +Neither did Walter speak of Caroline to Lionel, nor Lionel, though much +interested for her, speak to her of his affairs or her own. Clara indeed +bestowed her communications on every one, but she got nothing in return +that was satisfactory. Marian was the central point with all except +Walter, but the fulness of her heart was bestowed elsewhere. And, alas! +none saw so little of those young hearts as the parents, who had never +earned their confidence; so that when they turn to them, it was from +duty, as to rulers, not as to counsellors and friends. + +Very sore was Marian's heart that night, when she felt it her duty to +bid Caroline good night in Mrs. Lyddell's hearing, in spite of the +piteous, imploring glance turned upon her. Might not her support make +all the difference now? she thought. No; shame on her for thinking that +she could do more good than He to whose hands Caroline was trusted! +Folly, to dream that her awkward, blundering words could be more help +than the prayers she could pour out alone! + +Yet all these consolations could not prevent poor Marian from being very +miserable, under the dread that Caroline thought her unkind, and felt +herself deserted, after being involved in all this suffering. And O, +should she fail! Walter must go on Saturday, and then she would be left +to fight her battle alone. + +On the Friday the whole house knew what was going on. Mr. Lyddell +himself had a conversation with Caroline, but nothing of it transpired. +It only was evident that she still continued in the same mind, and she +looked more wretched than ever. Marian was anxious to show her affection +and sympathy in her manner, but her anxiety only made her cold, and dry, +and awkward. Clara was excited and puzzled, Walter was hardly spoken to +by father or mother; and when at breakfast on Saturday he spoke of his +departure, the silence that he encountered seemed to express that he had +much better not have come home at all. + +Marian felt fierce with indignation, and Lionel, perhaps by way of +effusion of the same feeling, dashed his chair away from the table, and +called out, "Mind you come back again as soon as ever you can." + +But the dead silence that followed was more painful and marked than it +had been before. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + "The flowers do fade, and wanton fields, + To wayward winter reckoning yields, + A honey tongue, a heart of gall + Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall." + + SIR W. RALEIGH. + + +The Sunday after Walter's departure was a very uncomfortable and +melancholy day. It was very sad to see poor Caroline looking wan and +suffering, and turning now and then a wistful appealing glance at +Marian, as if intreating for the help which must not be afforded to +her; and then at each meeting and parting, Marian was dissatisfied with +herself for having been rendered stiff and dry instead of tender and +consoling, by the very wish to be affectionate, which prevented her from +being at ease. She heard from Clara that Caroline's great desire was to +be allowed to write to Mr. Faulkner on the subject before she saw him +again, whilst he was still in London, and that it was this which her +parents so strongly opposed, convinced that a meeting with him would +renew all her feelings of attachment. Marian dreaded the same, for she +could not think Caroline's resolution sufficient to hold out in sight of +his affection, and of his prepossessing qualities, and at the same time, +every day that the engagement continued made it more difficult to break +it off. + +One comfort was, however, that Lionel's anxiety and interest in +Caroline's affairs, were drawing his attention from his own trouble, and +he was much less irritable and unhappy than before. Perhaps this might +have been in part owing to his conversations with Walter, who could +venture on giving him more lessons on the right principle of endurance +than Marian had ever dared to put before him. She was more pleased than +she had been for a long time, when as they were walking together in the +plantations, after evening service, he said with some abruptness and +yet with some hesitation, "Marian, didn't you once read something with +Gerald in the morning?" + +"Yes," said Marian, sure of what the something meant. + +"Do you do it still by yourself?" + +"Yes." + +"Then I wish----. Would you mind reading to me?" + +"The Psalms and Lessons? O, Lionel, I should be so glad I Only could you +get up in time? for I don't know when to do it except before breakfast." + +"To be sure I could get up in time. I only lie in bed because there is +nothing to do, and nobody to speak to." + +"Well then, will you meet me in the schoolroom at eight o'clock in the +morning?" + +"Very well." + +No more was said, but Lionel kept his appointment. It was, as Marian +guessed a recommendation of his brother's. Walter had asked him to get +one of his sisters to read to him, and Lionel had made the request to +Marian, as his real sister, though he had never told Walter whether he +meant to take his advice. + +The next Sunday, Marian, on coming down after dressing for dinner, was +surprised to find Elliot standing by the fire. He just inclined his +bead, and moved his lips by way of greeting. + +"When did you come home?" said she drily. + +"Half-an-hour ago." + +The answer was brief and with no encouragement to say more. She thought +he looked dark and moody, and, taking up a book, was silent. The next +time the door opened, it was Lionel who entered. He frowned and gazed +up, perceiving the figure but not able to make it out. "Ha, Lionel! How +d'ye do?" said Elliot in a short, gruff, indifferent voice; without +moving or attempting to shake hands, without any token that he thought +of Lionel's misfortune. + +Lionel's equally indifferent tone, "How d'ye do?" was sign enough to +Marian that he was hurt. He came and sat by her, talked fast and low, +and laughed several times in the constrained manner he used to put on by +way of bravado; Elliot all the time taking no notice. The others soon +made their appearance. Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell had seen him before, and to +his sisters his greeting was much in the same style, hardly vouchsafing +any recognition of Caroline at all. + +The cloud was thicker and darker than ever all dinner time. Mr. and Mrs. +Lyddell tried in vain to talk, he answered them in a short snappish way +which he was apt to assume whenever his father made any attempt to check +his extravagance. + +The ladies and Lionel were glad to get into the drawing-room, and leave +him and his father to themselves. Tea came and they did not appear, ten +o'clock struck, half-past, and they came not. The ladies were putting +away their books, and thinking of wishing good night when suddenly the +door was thrown open, and in tramped Mr. Lyddell, red with passion, +while behind him came Elliot, with less of violence, but with a dark +scowl of resentment on his downcast and always unpleasant face. + +"Caroline!" began Mr. Lyddell, in a voice of thunder, and great was the +alarm of all, for her sake, as she turned pale and trembled. "Caroline! +You have my full consent to do as you please. You may break with +Faulkner to-morrow, if you like!" + +Some discovery! thought Marian, transfixed with wonder and hope; +Caroline sat still but for her trembling, her face bent down, and her +hands nervously clasped together. + +"Now, sir," proceeded Mr. Lyddell, turning round on Elliot, "you see if +I am the tyrant you would make me. You see if I am going to force my +daughter into a marriage against her wish--sacrifice my whole family +because I have an ill-conditioned scamp of a good-for-nothing son. You +see." + +"I do see, sir," muttered Elliot; "and you'll see whether you like the +consequences." + +Marian thought she had better be out of this family scene, and had her +hand on the door, but Mr. Lyddell called out "Stay here! Marian! I +don't care if all the world heard me. He thinks he can threaten me into +tyranny over her inclinations, and I tell him she is as free as air! I +vow----." + +"Mr. Lyddell! do consider, do think," expostulated his wife; "I daresay +Elliot was a little too vehement a partizan for his friend----." + +"Friend! Pshaw! He care for his friend!" said Mr. Lyddell scornfully. +"'Tis for himself he is a partizan, I tell you. Nothing else does he +care a straw for. 'Tis for nothing but the saving of her fortune that he +would have me persecute his sister into this marriage! Aye! he has the +face to tell me so! and what more do you think he comes and says to me! +Why! that Lionel will be nothing but a burthen for ever! A pretty pass +things are come to when he speaks after that fashion of his own brother! +He cared for his friend, indeed!" + +"No one ever thought of compelling Caroline," pleaded Mrs. Lyddell. + +"But I tell you he did," interrupted her husband. "I told him I was very +sorry, but I could not help it; if she would have her own way, I could +not make her marry the man against her will, and he answers in his +sneering way that it is all nonsense, he would be bound to make her give +up in no time--any man could bring a girl to reason. As if I was to +persecute my daughter to force her into what she tells me is against her +conscience. Better too much conscience than none at all, I tell you, +Master Elliot." + +"We had better bring this scene to an end, sir," said Elliot sullenly. +"We understand each other." + +So saying, he took up his candle and flung out of the room. The girls +were but too glad to escape, and Lionel followed them, leaving Mr. and +Mrs. Lyddell to themselves. + +Caroline and Clara both were trembling like aspen leaves, each threw an +arm round Marian's waist, and leant against her as soon as they were +out of the room. She had been startled and trembling before, but their +fright seemed to give her firmness; and it was well, for Caroline's +knees shook so much, and she was so nervous that she could hardly have +reached her room without support. Clara began to exclaim, but Marian +stopped her, made her fetch some camphor julep, helped Caroline to +undress, and put her to bed. Caroline hardly spoke all the time, but +as Marian bent over her to kiss her, and wish her good night, she +whispered, "I may soon be able to have you again, dear Marian!" + +Marian went to bed, wondering at all that had passed, indignant with +Elliot, pleased with Mr. Lyddell, hopeful for Caroline, and cheered by +finding that she had not been thought unkind. + +She heard doors opened and shut, and the trampling of feet the next +morning, and when Lionel met her in the schoolroom for their reading, +he told her that be had been overtaken by Elliot running down stairs at +full speed; and had only just time to clear out of his way. "And hark! +is not there something at the front door? Look out, Marian." + +Marian looked from the window. "Yes! It is his dog-cart. Can he be going +away, Lionel?" + +"Going off in a rage!" said Lionel, looking grave; "I thought there was +mischief in his voice last night." + +"Yes, there is his portmanteau," said Marian, in a tone of +consternation; for little as she liked Elliot, it was too shocking to +see a son thus leave his father's roof. + +"It is a pretty piece of work," said Lionel. "He has been coming it a +little too strong for my father, it seems! Well, poor Caroline will be +let alone, that is one good thing; but I am afraid he will go and get +into some tremendous scrape, if it is only for the sake of spiting my +father." + +"It is very dreadful!" said Marian, sighing. + +"I am very glad my father was so angry, though!" said Lionel. "Wanting +him to drive poor Caroline into it by unkindness! That was a little too +bad!" + +"Yes, indeed," said Marian. "But O! here he comes out of the door with +his cigar. He is getting in! There he goes! O, Lionel!" + +They both were silent for some little time. Then Marian took up the +prayer-book, and began the Psalm, and when she heard Lionel's voice +join in the Doxology, a thrill came home to her, making her feel that +blindness might yet be indeed the blessing to him that faith taught her +to know it must be. How much better to be thus than like his brother. + +When they met the others at breakfast, it proved that they alone knew of +the departure; Mr. Lyddell interrogated Elliot's servant, and heard from +him that he had orders to follow his master to Paris as soon as he had +packed up his goods. This was all that could be learnt, and all that +Marian could make out as to what had passed, was that he had been +strongly averse to Caroline's engagement being broken off, that he +had tried to induce his father to insist upon it, and to drive her to +overcome her reluctance by what could be only understood as domestic +persecution, and that in short he had allowed his unfeeling selfishness +to appear to such a degree, that it had positively revolted his father, +whose displeasure had long been excited by the extravagance that had +been causing serious inconvenience, and who instantly, while under the +influence of his first indignation, resolved to show that he would +not be domineered over, nor sacrifice the rest of the family to the +extravagance which he had already too freely supplied. + +Mr. Lyddell had given his consent while angry, and he could not retract +it when he was cool. Caroline therefore might write her letter as soon +as she pleased. She had nothing to dread from him; indeed, as if out of +opposition to Elliot, he was kinder to her than he had ever been before, +called her "my dear" more than once, and observed on her pale looks. Her +mother spoke little to her, and that little was cold and unkind, while +she looked so vexed and unhappy that even Marian had some feeling for +her, and what must it have been for her own daughter? However, all open +opposition was withdrawn, and Caroline had only herself to struggle +with. There was no reason why she should not once more seek comfort from +Marian, yet all that day she kept at a distance, and it was not till the +next evening that she came into Marian's room, and sinking into a chair, +murmured, "I have done it." + +"Written your letter?" + +"Sent it." + +"O, I am so glad!" + +"Glad?" + +"Yes, but you will be glad when it is over." + +"O!" sighed Caroline, incredulously. "You know nothing about it. +Marian." + +"Every one must be glad to have done right," said Marian, firmly. + +"O what a week it has been! And I have sown dissension in the family! +And no one can tell what may be the consequence with Elliot! And he will +be unhappy! O! Marian--I wish--I wish you had let me go on my own way +and be miserable alone," added she with a kind of anger. + +"It was your own doing," said Marian gently; "you felt it to be right. +Only worse misery could come of your going on, for that would have been +positive wrong; now it must and will get better." + +"I don't know," sighed Caroline. "I never knew till now how much I cared +for him! O, Marian!" and she burst into a hearty fit of crying. + +Marian was perplexed, as she always was when any one cried, and stood +without a word till Caroline had relieved herself by tears, and began to +speak again. It was very sad and melancholy, and it was very difficult +to find anything to answer; Marian could see no consolation but that +"it was right," and that did not seem to have much effect on Caroline; +while, added to the former trouble of renouncing the man who loved her, +and of grieving her parents, there was the dread of what Elliot might do +in his anger. + +However, the being able to pour everything out to so true a friend was +more of a comfort than anything that, could have been said to her. She +told Marian that she had gone through the conversations with her father +and mother better than she could have thought possible. She could not +desert poor Walter, that was one thing that helped her, she must stand +by him, and papa was not half so angry as she expected. It seemed as if +her strength had grown with each occasion for it. The first effort of +writing to Walter had cost her most of all, then the allowing him to +break the matter to her father had been dreadful; but after all, the +conferences with her parents, singly and together, had not been as bad +as the fear of them, and Marian tried to persuade her that it would be +the same when she saw Mr. Faulkner, but poor Caroline shook her head, +and said Marian knew nothing about it. And Marian was much of the same +opinion, and held her peace, but before the end of the conversation she +had the great pleasure of hearing Caroline say, "The thought of being +able to have you again has been the one great help to me through all!" + +Two days after this, as Marian and Lionel were going out riding +together, Marian exclaimed, "I do believe that is Mr. Faulkner!" + +"Where?" + +"Riding on the Salisbury road," said Marian; "I am sure it is his +horse." + +"Don't let us meet him! can't we get out of the way?" said Lionel. +"Aren't we somewhere near the thorny lane?" + +"No, but we might ride off on the Down. Only take care, Lionel; you had +better keep close to me," said Marian, much more unwilling to meet Mr. +Faulkner than to conduct Lionel through the ups and downs of the green, +chalky common. + +She watched and guided his pony up the bank and upon the Down, and on +they trotted fast, for Marian was actuated by a very undignified fit +of terror lest she should meet Mr. Faulkner, towards whom she felt +positively guilty, nor did she wish to be seen fleeing from him. + +"We must be out of sight of the road by this time, aren't we?" said +Lionel. + +"I don't know," Marian turned her head to see. At that moment Lionel's +pony stepped into a hole, stumbled, and when she looked back again, +there was Lionel on the ground. Her head swam with fear, but the next +moment Lionel was on his feet and laughing. + +"Not hurt, Lionel! are you sure?" + +"Not a bit! Is that Sorrel?" + +Sorrel was rushing off with his bridle loose, and Marian began to dread +having Mr. Faulkner's assistance in catching him. "Stand still, Lionel!" +she called, and then riding between Sorrel and the road, she managed to +turn him towards a long hedge that crossed the Down, saw him stop to eat +a tuft of grass, made a grasp at his bridle, but failed, while he dashed +off across the Down, happily not towards the road. + +She called to Lionel, told him of her ill success, and begged him not to +move, while she again pursued the runaway, and a long dance he led her, +far out of sight of Lionel. Once she had considerable hopes, when she +came in sight of a shepherd boy, who stood in amaze at the lady in chase +of the runaway steed, then came up with a run to cut off its course, but +so awkwardly that the pony was still more frightened, and galloped off +in another direction faster than ever! Poor Marian! However after full +half an hour, she succeeded in hunting him into a narrow place between +two fields, ending in a gate, caught safely hold of the rein, kept it +fast, and at length led Sorrel back in triumph to the spot where poor +Lionel stood still patiently. She called out to him as soon as she came +near enough to make her voice heard, and he answered, and walked forward +to meet the dark shapes, which were all that he could see. + +Marian feared that he would be very much mortified at having been +obliged to remain thus helpless, while a girl was doing what he would +have so much enjoyed, and she looked anxiously at his face, alas! she +could look there now without his knowing it. It was disconsolate, but +the look was not bitter. She held Sorrel while he mounted, and she then +apologized for having been so long, and said she feared he had thought +she had forgotten him. He made not much reply, did not even ask how she +had managed to catch the pony. Marian conducted him safely into the road +before she would speak again. He did, however, congratulate himself on +not having been obliged to be beholden to Mr. Faulkner for catching +the pony, as well as on Sorrel's not having gone home to tell the tale +himself. + +"Yes, indeed, they would have been terribly frightened," said Marian. + +"Ay, and if they once knew of my tumble, they would never let us go out +riding again." + +"But, Lionel, we must tell," said Marian. + +"Just like a girl!" grumbled Lionel. "Then there's an end of all our +rides, and all the comfort that I have in life." + +"I don't know," said Marian. "At any rate I can't ride with you, I +should not think it right, unless Mr. Lyddell knew of this fall. It is +my concern and not yours, for it was all through my carelessness." + +"You go on just as if you were a child still," said Lionel, still cross. + +"Well, Lionel, I believe the only way is to manage ourselves as if we +were children still." + +"All very fine," was Lionel's surly answer, and they rode on, while +Marian was very unhappy. She blamed herself for having given way to a +foolish fit of nervous bashfulness, which had led to what might have +been a serious accident to her especial charge. It had further made a +very unpleasant confession needful, and Lionel's vexation and irritation +seemed to have overcome all his late improvement. The thought of what +poor Caroline was going through was enough to stifle everything else, +and Marian wondered at herself, as for a sort of unkindness, in having +been so fully occupied as to have had no time for anxiety. + +Both had been very silent ever since Lionel's reply, until Marian asked +him to strike his repeater. It was half-past five, and they turned +homewards, taking a bye road so as to avoid meeting Mr. Faulkner. And +now Lionel began to talk of Caroline, and wonder how she had sped. He +seemed to throw off his own private troubles as he talked of hers, and +his fit of petulance was melting fast away. At last he made up his mind +to inquire how she had caught Sorrel, and was positively interested in +the narration, laughing at the idea of the scrape they would have been +in if Sorrel had made his way to the road, and Mr. Faulkner had caught +him. + +He said no more about the confession, but it was evident that he had +conquered his annoyance sooner than he had ever done before. Marian had +not theorized on the matter, but if she had she could not have judged +better, for Lionel was far better dealt with by being bold and +uncompromising. It was very strange to have this concern of their own so +much on their minds when Caroline's fate was at its crisis, yet perhaps +it was good for Marian to be thus occupied, since she was apt to suffer +very much from anxiety, as persons of her calm and reserved demeanour +often do. A sickening, throbbing, trembling feeling came over her, +making her temples beat and her hands cold, as she came into the house, +expecting to hear whether Caroline had endured and been true to herself, +and it was well she had not had longer to suffer from it. + +No one was in the drawing-room, and she ran as fast as her trembling +knees would allow to Caroline's room, knocked, received no answer, +opened the door, and saw Caroline stretched out on her bed, in a state +best described by the French word _anéantissement_, for it was not +fainting, but the sort of prostration consequent on the completion of an +effort for which she had wound herself up. She was very pale, her eyes +were shut, and her breath came short. Marian stood watching her in +alarm, wondering whether to speak, and how. At last Caroline looked up, +held out her hand, and drew Marian down on her knees till her face was +level with hers, then put her arm round her neck. + +"Dear Caroline!" said Marian, though it was not easy to say anything, +"you will be happier now." + +A more caressing person would have been much more at ease herself and +given more comfort to Caroline, that must be confessed, but as there was +no one else to be had, Marian was obliged to do her best, and this was +to kiss Caroline timidly and say, "I am so glad you have done right." + +But Caroline only hid her face at the word _glad_ and murmured, "You +never did him justice! You never did!" + +"If it had not been for the want of that one thing he would have been +all right," said Marian. + +"O, he is very noble! he has such a mind! such--such--O, he loved me so +much," and Caroline fell into a paroxysm of silent misery. Marian began +to dread lest the parting had not been final, and though doubtful +whether she ought to ask, could not help saying, "But is it over?" + +"Yes, yes; you have your wish, Marian. It is done! He is angry with me +now! It is over, and I am wretched for life!" + +"Not so wretched as if you had done wrong." said Marian. Caroline did +not turn away this time, and Marian gathered courage to say, "You have +persevered, and now there will be comfort. There will always be comfort +in knowing you have tried to do right. Walter will be so glad, and so +will Lionel." + +"Lionel," repeated Caroline. + +"Yes, he has been very anxious about you." + +"Poor boy!" sighed Caroline. "Well, Marian, there is one thing still to +be done. Only one, and it is all that I shall live for. I shall devote +myself to him, if I can but do anything to please him, and make him care +for me when you are gone. It will be my one object." + +"Yes," said Marian, "it will be very good for you both." + +They were interrupted by Clara, who came in, dressed for dinner, pitying +Caroline, and telling Marian it was very late. Caroline sat up, but she +had a violent nervous headache, and they both persuaded her to lie down +again. + +Marian ran off to dress, and though the dinner-bell rang in the midst +of her hurried toilette, came back to look at Caroline, beg her to keep +quiet, and promise to come up as soon as dinner was over. As she went +down, the other trouble of having to confess their adventure came over +her, but she was resolute, in spite of the want of favour with which she +knew she was regarded. + +Want of favour, evident from the scrupulous formality with which she was +treated; for if she had been like a daughter of the house, as she ought +to have been, would they have waited dinner for her, and let her find +them all looking uncomfortable and expectant in the drawing-room? They +went into the dining-room; there was a silent, formal dinner, nothing +like a family party. As soon as the servants had left the room. Marian +quailing secretly, not from fear of Mr. and Mrs. Lyddell, but lest +Lionel should lose his rides, began, "I have a confession to make, Mr. +Lyddell," and told the story of the accident, explaining how it was +entirely caused by her carelessness. + +Exclamations and inquiries arose, and Mrs. Lyddell certified herself by +several questions that Lionel had not been hurt, but not one of them was +addressed to Marian. It was as if this was only one among many injuries, +too frequent for a reproach more or less to be needed. Mr. Lyddell did +not take it half so much to heart, and no prohibition against future +rides was issued, for the truth was that no one liked to mortify Lionel. +It was exactly one of the cases in which the whole danger is not +conquered, because it melts at the very aspect of moral courage. + +It was not comfortable to have to walk away to Caroline, knowing how +much she had displeased Mrs. Lyddell; but it must be done, and it was, +at least, agreeable to leave these cold looks. She found Caroline +better, and able to tell her something of what had passed. At first Mr. +Faulkner would not believe her to be in earnest, and had imagined this +was a way of showing her displeasure at his long absence, or some +trifling "lovers' quarrel;" but when he found that she really meant +what she said, and her tears and stifled whispers alike announced her +adherence to what she had expressed in her letter, he became extremely +angry, thought himself, (as indeed he might with some justice) very +ill-used, and though he had retained his gentlemanlike manner and +language, had pretty plainly expressed that Miss Lyddell should have +known her own mind. Poor Caroline wept bitterly, beseeching that they +might not part in anger, but he disavowed all irritation, and took a +cold, courteous leave, which wounded her more than all. + +Marian could not easily sympathise with regrets for such a lover, but +she liked to magnify the sacrifice in order to admire it more, and +greatly rejoiced in being able to give full admiration to one whom she +had learnt to love so heartily as Caroline. Such a triumph over natural +timidity and feebleness of character was indeed a great and gallant +thing, and Marian used to muse and wonder at it in her solitary hours. +There was still much to suffer externally as well as internally; there +was the return of letters and presents, with all their associations; +there was the feeling of the pain and offence given to Lady Julia and +her daughters; there was the perception of the opinions of the world, +and the certainty that all the gossips of the neighbourhood were busy +with their conjectures; there was the continued anxiety about Elliot, +and the marked vexation and displeasure of Mrs. Lyddell, who treated +Caroline as one who had disappointed all her best hopes. + +Under all this there was only Marian to sustain Caroline, and their +friendship was an additional offence. Marian knew that Mrs. Lyddell +regarded her as the head of a hostile party, and a sower of dissension +in the family, by no means an agreeable footing on which to stand; but +the only way, was to appear completely unconscious, and behave as far as +possible as usual. She was grateful to them for making it no worse, and +still more for not having objected to her continuing her rides with +Lionel, from whom, it may well be believed, she scarcely ever took her +eyes, from the time his foot was in the stirrup. + +Lionel was triumphant at the dismissal of "Julian the apostate," but he +was disappointed to find that Caroline did not recover her spirits "now +she had had her own way, and got rid of the man." He did not like to +have her presence announced by a sigh, and to hear the subdued, dejected +tone of her voice, and he used to wonder over it with Marian, who +laughed at him for fancying it was such an easy matter to part with a +lover, yet agreed that it was hard to understand how there could be love +where there was no esteem. Lionel used to consult her as to what was to +be done to cheer his sister, since his mother would only make everything +worse and he could not bear her continued melancholy. + +"I do believe, Lionel," said Marian, "that you could do more for her +than any body else. If you would but sometimes let her do things for +you, ask her to help you, as--as you ask me." + +Lionel would not take the suggestion as she wished. "I thought you liked +to help me," said he, in a somewhat offended tone. + +"O, don't I?" cried Marian, eagerly; "but so does every one, if you +would only allow them." + +Lionel flourished the little switch in his hand till it made an +ill-tempered "_swish!_" and Marian knew that he thought her ungrateful +for the exclusive preference with which he honoured her. + +"She is your sister," she added. + +"Very well," said Lionel, crossly shaking off her arm, "I shall know +what to be at, if you are tired of helping me." + +He could not see the tears in her eyes, and though she was extremely +grieved, her voice did not betray how strong her feeling was. "Tired! +O Lionel, how can you think it? But would it not be better to learn to +depend less on me against I go away?" + +"Ay, and glad enough you'll be to go." + +"For all but your sake and poor Caroline's," said Marian. "Mrs. Lyddell +does not like to have me here." + +"It would not be fair to want to keep you," said Lionel, "but----" + +"I should have much more comfort in going if I thought you and Caroline +were helping each other," said Marian. "I know she wants to make you her +first object." + +Lionel made no answer nor any change in his ways for some days, yet +sometimes it seemed, as if when he thought of it, he was more willing +to allow Caroline to do him some of the small services which his fast +increasing blindness rendered necessary. Caroline being more dexterous +and neat-handed than Marian, did them well, and then Marian was vexed +with herself for a few feelings like annoyance at not being equally +necessary to Lionel, but she persevered, encouraged by seeing the +comfort that each approach on his part seemed to give his sister. It was +the hardest thing Marian had ever had to do, to give up the being first +with him, as she must cease to be when the natural affection of the +brother and sister was called into play. But it was right, and she would +bear it. She thought it right as well as very pleasant to accept an +invitation from the Wortleys to come and spend the Christmas holidays +with them, joining her brother on the railroad, and meeting Edmund at +Fern Torr. The repose would be beyond everything delightful, and no less +so, the being in a house where her presence was welcome to every member +of the family. Besides, she longed to see and to talk to Agnes, and the +more she thought of her promised visit the more she enjoyed it. + +Caroline and Lionel both were very sorry to part with her, and jointly +and separately lamented her going; but Caroline blamed herself for +selfishness in wishing to keep her, and perceived that it would be a +good thing that her brother should begin to be weaned from his sole +dependance upon her, while Lionel seemed half afraid to trust her to +depart, lest she should never return, and insisted on half a dozen +promises that she would come back at the end of Gerald's holidays. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + "They made a famous procession + My good little women and men; + Such a sight was never seen before + And never will again." + + SOUTHEY. + + +A division of a first-class carriage, occupied only by Gerald, received +Marian at the station, and first she had to be shown the hat, cloak, and +umbrella with which he had constructed an effigy, which, as he firmly +believed, had frightened away all who had thought of taking a seat in +it. + +"Thinking you a mad monkey, and that your keeper," said Marian, looking +proudly at the handsome face and dancing black eyes of her beautiful +brother. "Why! how you are grown, Gerald! Do stand up, and let me see if +you are not taller than I am." + +"No, not quite so tall, unless it is your bonnet," said Gerald, after +craning up his neck in vain. + +"At any rate, you are taller than Lionel. He only comes up to my ear," +said Marian. + +"Poor Lionel! How are his eyes?" + +"O Gerald, it is very sad. He has very little sight left. I believe he +finds his way about quite by feeling now. It has grown worse so much +faster in these last three weeks." + +"Poor fellow! What can he do all day?" + +A long description followed, and then Gerald wanted to hear all about +Caroline, and what Marian thought fit to tell him, together with his +comments, lasted till, in spite of his effigy, a lady made an entrance, +and for some time Gerald was reduced to silence, and as he sat on the +same side, to making horrible sidelong scowls at her, out of her sight, +which sorely tried his sister's propriety of countenance. + +The tongues of two such happy people could not long, however, continue +tied, and presently Gerald rattled off into a history of his sporting +adventures in Scotland, as if he would detail every shot. The narration +was endless, and very tiresome it would have been to any woman but a +sister, and a sister who had so much of the hunter spirit in her as +Marian; but she listened and sympathised with all her heart and soul, +and understood why such a shot was a good one, and why such another +failed, and was absorbed in the interest of the attempt to recover a +wounded bird when the retriever was stupid, long after the intruder had +made her exit, and they might have returned to matters touching her more +closely, though regarded by Gerald as hardly equal in importance to roe +deer, salmon, and grouse. + +They were on Devonshire ground before they ever began to rejoice over +Edmund's engagement, and from thence to talk of Edmund himself. Gerald +pronounced many an eulogium on him, in which praises of his excellence +as a fisherman and sportsman were strangely mixed with a real genuine +appreciation of his goodness and superiority. + +"'Tis a capital thing that he is come home to stay," said Gerald, +heartily. + +"Isn't it?" + +"I like him specially," said Gerald. "Do you know he showed me some of +my father's letters." + +"Did he indeed?" + +"That he did. It was before I was born, when he thought he was going to +have Fern Torr and all, he had rather an idle fit, and these were what +papa wrote to him." + +"Was Edmund ever idle?" exclaimed Marian, falling into a reverie of +wonder whether this did not make it more hopeful for Gerald. + +"I am very glad he has got this money," proceeded Gerald. "I only wish +it was more. One letter he showed me that was best of all. It was from +my father when I was born. You can't think what a nice letter it was. +There was something about its being a disappointment to him--to Edmund, +I mean, but how papa cared for him as much as ever, and thought after +all it might be better for him in the end. And then, Marian, papa said +he could hardly expect to live till I was grown up, and he asked Edmund +to be my godfather, and said he trusted to him to be like an elder +brother to us." + +"That he is!" murmured Marian. + +"Edmund said he wished me to read it that I might not think him +interfering." + +"You never could have thought so!" + +"I don't know. I could not have stood it from some people, but I could +see the sense of what Edmund said." + +Without entering into particulars, Gerald was now all freedom and +openness, casting quite away the restraint that had so long grieved his +sister. How happy she was! + +Mr. Wortley himself met them at Exeter, and in spite of the early +darkness of the winter day, Charles and James met them at the foot of +Blackstone hill, and Edmund and Agnes were a little further on. + +What a happy greeting it was! Marian and Gerald would jump out and walk +home with them, the boys ran and called in the dark, the stars came out +overhead, the tall hedges kept out all the glimmering light, splashes +alone made them aware of the puddles; but on the happy party tramped, +all talking an unmitigated flow of merry nonsense, laughing and enjoying +it, all the more the darker and stranger it grew, and merrier than all, +when they got home, at Mrs. Wortley's dismay at their having dragged +Marian a mile and a half, in the dark and dirt, after her long journey. +"Pretty guardians to have the care of her!" + +All the evening again there was nothing but fun and joyousness, fun of +the brightest, happiest kind, positively wild in the three boys, and +Edmund not much less so, the girls weary with laughing, and contributing +their share to the sport. A person must have lived like Marian, pent up +by formalities and the certainty of being disliked, to know what was +the enjoyment of the perfect liberty and absence from constraint, the +thorough home-like feeling of every one loving and understanding each +other, which existed at Fern Torr. How delightful it was to have no +heart achings for Gerald, to see Edmund just like his old self, and the +dear Agnes, so very lovely and bright! so very unlike her only former +experience of betrothed lovers. It was no small happiness to the Fern +Torr party to have one so prized and loved as Marian to rejoice with +them, indeed, all this evening every one was too joyous to dwell on any +of the causes of their felicity, it was nothing but high spirits, and +unreflective mirth. + +When they had bidden each other good night, and were gone up stairs, +there was more of gravity and thought. Marian and Agnes could have sat +up talking half the night, if Mrs. Wortley would have allowed them, but +she said Marian must have time to rest, and ruthlessly condemned her to +bed. + +Never did Marian spend so happy a Christmas. There was plenty of depth +and earnestness in her _tête-à-têtes_ with Agnes, when they talked +over the wonders that had happened to them both, and always ended by +returning to recollections of happy old days before Marian left +Fern Torr, when Edmund had been the prime mover of every delightful +adventure. Marian was as good as a sister to each of the lovers, so +heartily did she help each one to admire the other. Or when they were +"lovering," as the boys chose to call their interminable wanderings in +the manor gardens, Marian used to be extremely happy with Mrs. Wortley, +talking over the history of the engagement, and settling how and when +the love began. Mr. Wortley suggested that the first attraction had been +Agnes' unmitigated horror of the Lyddells, which he declared had won Mr. +Arundel's heart, though he never owned how much he participated in it. +It needs not to be stated how Edmund's noble behaviour was appreciated, +more especially after the new lights which Marian was able to throw upon +it. + +Then came the discussion of the plans for the house which Edmund was to +build, on a farm, which had come into the market at the very nick of +time, just on the other side of the hill, and in Fern Torr parish. +Marian and Gerald were taken the first day to look and advise whether +the new house should be on the old site, or under the shelter of a great +old slate quarry, crested with a wood, a beautiful view spread before +it, and capacities for making the loveliest garden that was ever seen. + +Edmund sketched house and garden in every possible point of view, each +prettier than the other, and all the young gave their voices eagerly for +the quarry, while the old protested on the difficulty of getting so far +up the hill, and suggested damp. But the young carried the day, and the +plans were drawn and debated on a dozen times in twenty-four hours, +always including the prettiest of little sitting-rooms for Marian, with +a window opening into the garden, and a door into the drawing-room, and +then came letters to architects and calculations with builders, and +reckonings that the house should be habitable by next September, and Mr. +Wortley laughing at their credulity for expecting it. + +Marian was surprised to find how far away and secondary seemed the +thoughts that had of late engrossed her entirely. She wondered to +discover how little her mind had been occupied with Caroline and Lionel, +fond as she was of them and very anxious about them. This was so very +different a world! and she felt so much more as if she belonged to it. +She obtained from Agnes some admiration for Caroline's conduct, though +in somewhat of the "better late than never" style, and at the price of +warm abuse of the parents, in which Marian was not indisposed to join. + +Caroline wrote nearly every day, saying that she missed Marian +dreadfully, and that her letters were the only comfort she had; she +would not wish her back again, for that would be selfish, but it would +be a joyful day when she returned. These constant letters, which Marian +always kept to herself, rather surprised the Wortleys, but Edmund could +better guess at her position. "Depend upon it," he said to Agnes, "it is +she who has saved Miss Lyddell." + +"O, Edmund! do you think so? I wanted to have thought so, but she says +it was the brother." + +"He took the steps which would not have become Marian, but Walter +Lyddell could never have moved without his sister, and where could she +have found the principle but in Marian? I see now that her perseverance +in right is beginning to tell on those around her, in spite of all +untoward circumstances." + +"I don't know anything like Marian!" said Agnes. "How very fine her +countenance is!" + +"That steadfast brow and lip." + +"I saw her yesterday standing on the edge of a rock looking out on the +view, and she was like some statue of Fortitude." + +"Yes, Marian is a grand creature," said Edmund; "so strong and firm, yet +with such feminine, retiring strength. There are still prejudices +and little roughnesses, but I doubt whether they have not been her +safeguard, outworks to secure the building, and I think they are +disappearing with the occasion." + +"Ah! papa and mamma think her very much softened down." + +"She has had a very hard part to act, and her shyness and rigidity have +been great helps to her, but I am glad to see them wearing away, and +especially pleasant it is to see her expand and show her true self +here." + +"And to know she may soon be free of them all for ever!" said Agnes. + +The time when Marian was to be free of them for ever, as Agnes said, +was to be the next summer. Edmund and Agnes were to be married in July, +Marian would then come to Fern Torr, and comfort Mrs. Wortley for losing +her daughter, till the holidays began, when Edmund and Agnes would +return, and some undefined scheme of delight was to be settled on for +Gerald's holidays, until the house should be ready. Gerald was in the +meantime very agreeable and satisfactory on the whole. He was too busy +drawing varieties of stables for Edmund, to talk about his own, and +marvellous were the portraits of the inhabitants with which he would +decorate Edmund's elevations, whenever he found them straying about +the room. Very mischievous indeed was the young gentleman, and Marian +considered him to have been "a great deal too bad" when on a neat, +finished plan, just prepared to be sent to the builder, she found +unmistakeable likenesses of the whole Wortley family, herself and +Gerald, assembled round a great bowl of punch, large enough to drown +them all, drinking to the health of Edmund and Agnes, who were riding in +at the gate, pillion fashion, supposed to be returning after the honey +moon, which in one corner of the picture was represented in a most +waning state, but the man in the moon squinting down at them with a +peculiarly benignant expression of countenance. + +Marian was very angry, but Edmund and Agnes would do nothing but laugh, +though the whole plan had to be drawn over again, and Edmund was kept at +work with ruler, scale, and compasses the whole evening, Marian scolding +Gerald all the time, and Edmund too, for spoiling him, thinking her +cousin the most heroically good natured and good tempered man in the +world to bear with such an idle monkey, and laugh at the waste of time +and trouble; and getting at last a glimmering perception that these +tricks, thus met, were the greatest proof of good understanding and +friendship. It ended in Gerald's inking in the plan, of his own free +will, and very neatly, and getting up at six, the next morning, to ride +to Exeter, in the dark cold misty December twilight, to take it to the +builder, that no time might be lost; indeed, as he boasted, it was there +a quarter of an hour before it would have come by post, as it would have +done had it gone yesterday. + +Gerald's studies were not extensive, but Edmund, by some magic secret, +unknown to Marian, made him read history to himself for a short space +every morning. The sporting paper had disappeared, and nothing was heard +of Elliot or of Queen Pomare, while though he could not yet go the +length of talking to the poor people himself, he stood by very civilly +while Edmund talked to them. + +The first ten days of Marian's stay had thus passed, when Caroline one +day mentioned in her letter that mamma had a regularly bad influenza +cold, and was quite laid up. It was aggravated, Caroline said, by the +distress they were all in about Elliot. "But you will hear enough of +this when you come back," wrote she, "so I will not grieve you with +it now; though it is an additional load upon my mind--an additional +offence, I fear, in poor mamma's eyes, since all this would not have +come to light had I persisted. But you must not think I am repenting, +for I never was further from regretting what I have done. The different +spirit in which I could come to this Christmas feast, is a blessing to +be purchased at any price, even at such wretchedness as it has been this +autumn; and most earnestly do I thank you, dearest Marian. I can thank +you by letter, though we never can speak of such things. Yes, I thank +you. I regret nothing but my previous folly and weakness, and bitterly +do I suffer for them; though all is better now, and Christmas has +brought me peace and calm. It is as if the storm was lulled at last, and +nothing left but dreariness, and the longing to be at rest. How bright +the world was before me not a year ago! and now how worn out it +seems,--only three comforts left in it, you, and Walter, and poor +Lionel. For Lionel is a comfort; he is very kind and considerate, and, I +do believe, softens mamma towards me. I suppose it is best for us that +our hearts should have no home but one above; and if I was sure it was +not disgust and disappointment, I should hope I was seeking one there; +for I know the only feeling of rest and refreshment is in turning +thither, and surely that must come from the FATHER, Who is ready to +receive me. But I must leave off, for mamma is too unwell to be long +left. + +"Your most affectionate + +"CAROLINE LYDDELL." + + +After this, the letters, hitherto constant, ceased entirely, and Marian +grew very uneasy. Her mother had died of influenza, so that the name +gave her a fatal impression; and she dreaded to hear that Mrs. Lyddell +was very ill, or that Caroline was ill herself. Another week, and at +length she heard from Clara, in answer to a letter of inquiry, and to +fix the day of her return. + + + "Oakworthy, Jan. 7th. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--Caroline desires me to write to + tell you, with her love, that she has this horrid influenza, and + has been in bed since Monday. She is very feverish, and + her throat so sore that she can hardly speak or swallow. + Sarah sat up with her last night, and I think she is a little + better this morning. Mamma is better, but only gets up for + a little while in the evening, and cannot leave her room. I + wish you were at home, for I don't know what to do: I am + running backwards and forwards between the two rooms all + day, and poor Lionel is so forlorn and solitary down stairs, + with only papa. There!--that great blot was a tear, for I + am so worn out with fatigue and nursing, that I am almost + overcome. This winter I was to have come out,--how very + different! I forgot to tell you, after all, that the carriage + shall meet you, as you mention, on the 15th. I wish it was + directly; they will be all well by the time you come. But + it is so very forlorn, and I am so nervous; so excuse this + scrawl. + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "CLARA LYDDELL." + +As soon as Marian read this letter, she gave it to Edmund, saying, "I +think I had better go home." + +"O, Marian, you must not cheat us!" cried Agnes. + +"I think they would be very glad of you," said Edmund, and withal +Marian's mind was made up, and she withstood all the persuasions +of Gerald and Agnes that it was nothing--nonsense--only Clara's +dismality--they would laugh at her for coming for nothing. No; Marian +knew she was no nurse, but she could not bear to think of Lionel left to +his blindness and helplessness, still less of Caroline, ill, and with no +one to cheer her. She was sure she was wanted by those two at least, and +she resolved that she would be at Oakworthy to-morrow evening, wrote +notice of her intention to Clara, and prepared for her journey, giving +up that precious last week, so prized because it was the last. She could +go alone with her maid; there was no use in spoiling Gerald's holidays; +so he would stay for all the delights that she gave up, ruining all by +her absence, as every one declared. + +Agnes grumbled and scolded her to her face, but made up for it out of +hearing, by admiring her more than ever. Mr. and Mrs. Wortley gave her +silent approval, and the boys would not wish her a pleasant journey. She +was ready early the next morning, and once more left Fern Torr, bright +with the promise that, when she was there next, it would be no more a +guest. + +She prosperously arrived at the station nearest Oakworthy, and soon saw +the servant waiting for her. "Is Miss Lyddell better?" + +"A little better than last night, ma'am. Mr. Lionel is in the carriage." + +Marian had not at all expected any one to meet her, especially Lionel, +coming all this distance in silence and darkness. She hastened to the +carriage, and saw him leaning forward, listening for her. His face +lighted up at her, "Well, Lionel," and he fairly hurt her, by the +tightness of his grasp, when once he had met her hand. "So, you're come! +What a time it has been since you went! Now you are come, I don't care." + +"And how are you?" she asked anxiously. + +"Bad enough to be going back to the oculist next week," he answered; "I +can't even see the light." + +A long silence; then, "How is Caroline?" + +"Pretty much the same; it is a bad, feverish cold, and shocking throat. +She breathes as if she was half stifled, and can hardly speak." + +"I suppose she has Mr. Wells?" + +"Yes, two or three times a day," + +"And Mrs. Lyddell is better?" + +"Better, but not out of her room. It has been a tolerable state of +things of late. Not a creature to speak to, except, now and then, Clara +coming down to maunder and sigh over all she has to do, and my father, +who has been thoroughly in a rage about Elliot. Do you know about all +that, Marian?" + +"No," she answered. + +"It is out now, why he was so set upon Caroline's marriage, he had got +Faulkner to back a bill for him; you don't know what that means, I +suppose," said Lionel, with his old superior manner;--"made him engage +that the money Elliot borrowed should be paid. There was to be some +shuffle between them about her fortune it seems; so after the engagement +was off, when the bill became due, Faulkner sent the holder of it to +my father for the money and the news of this set on all the other +creditors. No end of bills coming in, and he has been pretty nearly +crazy among them; says we shall be beggars, and I don't know what all! I +vow, it is my old plan coming right!" cried Lionel vehemently. "If the +man in London can but set my eyes to rights, I'd be off to Australia +to-morrow, instead of staying here to make all worse. Well, it's no use +thinking of it: if ever I make my fortune now, it will be with a dog in +a string, and a hat in his mouth." + +"But go on, Lionel; are the debts so very bad?" + +"I believe they are indeed, and no one knows the worst of them yet. No +wonder Elliot was off to Paris in such a hurry, like a coward as he is, +no one knows how he is ever to come back! And worst of all is to have +mamma going about saying 'tis Caroline's fault! Hadn't I rather come to +the hat and dog in good earnest than to see her marry that man? Why, +Marian, he is actually engaged to Miss Dashwood! What do you say to +that? To the Radical Dashwood's daughter that behaved so shamefully to +papa!" + +"The daughter?" + +"No, the man. Fit company for the apostate, isn't it? He had better have +begun with her. Fine love his must have been. Only six weeks. Should not +that cure Caroline?" + +"Has she heard it?" + +"No, we have only known it since she was ill, and Clara thought she had +better not tell her." + +"Very right of Clara," said Marian; "but I think she will be glad, when +she is well enough to be told." + +Fast and eagerly did Marian and Lionel talk all the way, sometimes +gravely and sorrowfully about Elliot and Caroline, sometimes cheerfully +about Fern Torr, Edmund, and Gerald, of whom Lionel wanted much to hear. +He clapped his hands, and danced himself up and down with ecstasy at the +history of Gerald's embellishments of the plans, vowed that Gerald was a +Trojan, and that it was as good as Beauty and the Beast, and seemed to +be enjoying a perfect holiday in having some one to speak to again. +"But," he said, "what a horrid bore it must have been to you to come +away!" + +"I thought I might be some help to Clara." + +"Did she make you think Caroline so very ill? Mr. Wells says it is only +a very bad cold. But I am very glad you are come." + +Clara met Marian in the hall. "O Marian, I am glad you are come, but +I am sorry you came home in such a hurry. Mamma says there was no +occasion, and that I need not have frightened you, for it is only a bad +attack of influenza." + +"Then I hope Caroline Is better." + +"Yes, rather, and she will be so glad to see you. Come to her at once, +won't you? she heard the carriage, and is watching for you." + +Marian hastily followed Clara to Caroline's room. In a few seconds both +Caroline's arms were thrown round her neck, and a burning feverish face +pressed to hers, then as she raised herself again, one of her hands +still held fast, and Caroline lay looking up to her with an expression +of relief and comfort. "Thank you," she murmured, in a hoarse low +painful whisper, the sound of which gave an impression of dismay to +Marian. Caroline was far worse than she had been prepared to sec her. +That loud, oppressed, gasping breathing, the burning fever of hands and +cheek, the parched lips,--this was far more than ordinary influenza. +Marian stood watching her a little while; speaking now and then, until +she closed her eyes in weariness, not for sleep, when she was about to +leave the room, but Caroline looked up again anxiously and restlessly, +and tried to say, "Come back." + +"Yes, I'll come in a moment," said Marian, "I'll only just take off my +bonnet, and go and see Mrs. Lyddell, if I may." + +"O, yes, she is up, she knows you are come," said Clara, and Marian was +presently knocking at Mrs. Lyddell's door. + +She found her sitting by the fire in a large easy chair, in her +dressing-gown and shawl, and was surprised at the first sight of her +too, for that very weakening complaint, the influenza, had made a great +change in her, perhaps assisted by all that she had gone through during +the last summer and autumn, beginning with the parting with John, the +grief and anxiety for Lionel, the disappointment and warfare with +Caroline, and worse than all, the discoveries respecting her eldest and +favourite son. She looked a dozen years older, all the clearness of her +complexion was gone, and the colouring that remained, as if ingrained, +was worse than paleness; her hand shook with weakness, and the only +trace of her prompt, decided activity was in the nervous agitation of +her movements, and the querulous sharpness of her tones, as if her +weakness was irritating to her. + +"Marian, how are you? I am sorry you have cut short your visit to +come back to a sick house. I am afraid Clara has been alarming you +needlessly." + +"I am very sorry to find you so unwell," said Marian; "I thought Clara +would want some help." + +"Thank you, it was very kind," said Mrs. Lyddell, rather sharply, as if +her thanks were only for form's sake. "Have you seen Caroline?" + +"Yes, and I am afraid she is very ill. Such a terrible oppression on her +breath." + +"Ah! so Clara says. Mr. Wells has been applying mustard poultices." + +"Have you had no further advice?" said Marian. + +"No. He managed me very well; he is perfectly competent to attend an +influenza such as this--a very simple affair." + +Mrs. Lyddell was evidently under the unreasonable infatuation that so +many people are subject to, who will go on trusting their favourite +apothecary, in spite of proofs that he is not to be trusted; but Marian, +in her short life, had heard a good deal of doctors, and whether +reasonably or not, had imbibed a distrust of country practitioners, +which Lionel's misfortune had not tended to remove in Mr. Wells' case. +Indeed, she had a particular dislike to the man, with his soft manner, +love of set speeches and fine words, and resolution not to own that +anything was the matter. There were stories abroad in the neighbourhood +of his treating cases wrongly because he would not own they were beyond +his skill. + +"Mrs. Lyddell," said she, very earnestly, "I do believe that Caroline is +very ill. I think her throat is in a very alarming state, and I should +not be at all satisfied to go on with no further advice." + +Mrs. Lyddell made some answer about girls being easily frightened, and +Marian went back to Caroline, very unhappy and anxious, and trying to +find comfort by telling herself that the cure does not depend alone on +the physician. + +However, the words she had spoken were not without effect. Mrs. +Lyddell's answer had been prompted by her first impulse of dislike and +opposition, as if Marian was taking still further upon her; but she +became very anxious when left alone. She thought that Marian's fresh eye +might be better able to judge of the degree of Caroline's illness; she +remembered how she had reproached herself about Lionel, and at last +worked herself into such a state of alarm and anxiety, that though she +had not yet walked further than to the window, she rose, left her room, +and presently was by her daughter's bed-side. + +There needed no more to convince her that Caroline was excessively ill, +and quick and prompt as ever, her first measure was to send Clara for +her father, and hold a consultation with him outside the door; a message +was despatched to hasten Mr. Wells, and the result was that a physician +was sent for. Marian, who had all this time been watching the severe +suffering, unable to do the least thing to alleviate it, was almost as +glad as if she had been told of Caroline's certain recovery. She had +again to tell herself not to put her trust in physicians. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + "Preach, read, and study as we will, + Death is the mighty teacher still." + + _Baptistery_. + + +Caroline continued very ill all the evening, hardly able to to look up, +and every attempt to speak or swallow causing her great pain. Her mother +would not leave her again, and sat watching her, and she smiled, and +gave a pleased look of surprise at her kindness, which she had so long +missed; but her chief comfort seemed to be in Marian's presence. She +followed her about the room with her eyes, and was uneasy whenever she +fancied that she was going out of the room. + +She was not told that the physician was coming till he was actually +in the house, and then she gave Marian a quick, sharp look of alarmed +inquiry; but Marian was not able to answer, as she had to leave her to +his visit. When it was over, and Marian returned, while Mrs. Lyddell +went to hear his opinion, Caroline was striving hard to speak. Marian +bent over her, and at last heard one word gasped out--"Walter." + +"Yes, I will tell Mr. Lyddell; he shall be sent for, dearest," said +Marian; and Caroline seemed satisfied. + +It was long before Marian had an opportunity of hearing what the +physician's opinion had been, and there was little comfort in it. It was +a very severe case of inflammation in the windpipe, and the only hope of +subduing it was in instant recourse to strong remedies. How badly it +was thought of she saw plainly enough, without words, in Mr. Lyddell's +restless, hasty manner, and in the exertions which Mrs. Lyddell was +allowed to make, at a time when she ought to have been in her bed. The +worst sign of all was, it seemed to her, that as soon as she mentioned +Caroline's wish to see Walter, Mr. Lyddell took measures for sending a +letter at once by the railroad, instead of waiting for the post, which +would have made a delay of two days. + +Lionel sat meanwhile, by himself in the drawing room, or was found +wandering on the stairs, anxiously listening. Marian came on him once, +and had exclaimed at finding him in the dark, before she remembered that +it made no difference to him. She was in haste to fetch something +for Caroline and could do nothing for him but say the sad words, "No +better." + +All night Mrs. Lyddell and Marian stayed with Caroline; the one because +she could not bear to go, the other because she could not be spared. +Mrs. Lyddell would not acknowledge the extent of the danger to herself, +far less allow any hint of it to come to Caroline; and for this Marian +was sorry, though she was sure that Caroline was conscious of it +herself; but with Mrs. Lyddell always present, it was impossible to read +any of the things that would have been the only support at such a time. +Poor Caroline could not speak to ask for them, and as if her mother +feared they would bring death, she seemed to be watching Marian +jealously to prevent the least approach to them. + +It was a terrible night; the applications did nothing but cause +suffering, instead of removing the disorder,--the oppression grew more +and more severe,--each breath more painful; the two watchers hardly +dared to meet each other's eyes, and Caroline was in too much pain, +too oppressed and overwhelmed, to give any token how far the mind and +thought was awake within her. Such another day succeeded, every hour +extinguishing some faint hope, and bringing the dread certainty more +fully upon them. There was little or nothing to be done: they could only +watch the sufferer, and try to glean her wishes from her looks; but +these usually expressed more of pain than aught else, and no one could +tell whether the ear and thought were free. One, at least, who sat +beside her prayed fervently, and trusted in hope and love; holding fast +by the certainty that Caroline had embraced the good part, and given up +the allurements of the world, in health, for the sake of the treasure to +which she was hastening. That last letter of her's was surely a proof +that she was ready; and who could wish to detain that worn, harassed +spirit from the repose where earthly cares shall "cease from troubling, +and where the weary are at rest?" Yet how Marian loved and clung to her, +and felt as if she could never bear to part, and lose the affection that +had been so long kept off by her own repulsive demeanour, but that +was so ardent and unreserved! How grievous to think of the blooming, +life-like creature that she was so lately, now so suddenly cut down! + +Hour after hour went by, bringing no change for the better. Day had +faded into twilight, and twilight became night. Midnight had come, and +Marian was still sitting, as she had done for more than an hour, holding +up the faint head; for Caroline could no longer breathe in a recumbent +posture, and sat partly supported on pillows, partly resting on Marian's +shoulder. Her eyes were shut, and she seemed unconscious; it might be +that she slept, but the features were full of suffering, and Marian +could feel each of her breaths, gasping and convulsive. Her mother hung +over her, feeling her pulse, sometimes sitting, sometimes standing, +or walking to the foot of the bed to speak to Mr. Lyddell, or to the +apothecary, in the restless misery of despair. Mr. Lyddell came in and +out, unable to bear the sight, yet unable to stay away. Clara had been +too much overcome, and growing hysterical, had been sent away, and +advised to go to bed. Lionel, too, had been sent to bed, but his room +was in the same passage, and he lay with his door open, catching, with +his quickened ears, at every sound in the sick room, and hearing each +word of the hushed conferences that took place outside. + +A fresh tread was in the house--on the stairs--in the passage; Lionel's +heart could not help bounding at it, as it came so softly along. It was +the tread of the brother who, for his effort of courage and principle +had been allowed to leave home like an exile, and treated as an +offender. Lionel heard his father's step coming to meet him: how would +they meet? He could hear the movement as their hands grasped together, +and then Mr. Lyddell's smothered, choked whisper, "Only just in time, +Walter! she won't know you. Come!" + +"Is it so?" said Walter, in a low tone, as of one extremely choked and +overwhelmed. + +A sort of sob came before the answer, "Going fast." + +The steps moved on; Lionel could not stay where he was, dressed himself, +and felt his way to the sick room. He heard the stifled breathings: he +felt onward,--found he had hold of the bed-post, and leant against it, +unheeded by all, so intently were all watching Caroline. + +"Speak to her," was the first thing he heard whispered by the doctor. + +"Caroline!" said Walter's trembling voice, "dear Caroline!" + +Poor Lionel could not see how, at the call, the dark blue eyes once more +opened, and looked up in Walter's face; he only heard the steadier tone +in which the brother said the ministerial words, "Peace be with this +house!" + +The solemn calmness of the tone came gently and soothingly upon Lionel's +ear; and withal there spread over Caroline's face a gleam of joy, and +then a quiet stillness, as of a freedom from suffering. There was an +interval--a gasp--another interval--another gasp--a pause-- + +Marian's voice was the first, and very low and awe-struck. "It has been +without a struggle." + +A slight cry from his mother, and a confused movement, as if they were +lifting something--steps--he stood still, and the next moment felt +Marian's hand on his arm. "Mrs. Lyddell has fainted," said she, in +explanation; "Mr. Lyddell and Walter are taking her to her own room," + +Lionel clasped Marian's hand very tight, and each felt how the other was +trembling. "We must come away," said Marian; then hesitating, and with a +quivering whisper, she said, "Would you like to kiss her?" + +"Yes, let me!" + +It was strange to guide the blind brother to kiss the white brow of the +dead sister. Marian's throat was aching to such a degree with intense +feeling, that she could hardly utter a word; but Lionel, who could not +see, must hear. "She looks so calm, so sweet," said Marian struggling, +"but I must go to your mother. Let me take you to your room; I'll send +Walter to you. Lionel, Lionel, indeed she is happy!" said Marian, +earnestly, while Lionel burst into a flood of tears, wholesome tears, as +she led him from the room. + +She thought Walter would be the greatest comfort to him; and +recollecting Mrs. Lyddell had no woman with her but her maid, she told +Lionel she must go to his mother, ran down, and met Walter waiting in +the dressing-room. "Is she recovering?" + +"A little." + +"Will you go to Lionel?" + +"This instant, but--" and he looked at her earnestly. + +"Yes, yes," said she hastily, "it is all right and beautiful. Here's her +last letter; I've been reading it all day. Take it; you'll see how--" + +Marian's voice broke down, and she hastened to the open door of Mrs. +Lyddell's room. There was something for her to do in attempting to +restore her, for the maid was not helpful; and Mr. Lyddell stood at the +foot of the bed, as if all his powers were paralysed. Mr. Wells wanted +assistance; for Mrs. Lyddell, exhausted by watching and her previous +weakness, was in so sinking and depressed a state, as to need the +greatest care. + +Marian was employed in attending her till towards morning, when she sank +into a sleep. "You had better go to bed," said Mr. Lyddell, very kindly, +as Marian at length turned away from her, and stood by the fireside, +where he was sitting in the arm-chair, his hands over his forehead "I +must not let you overwork yourself." + +"O, I am not tired, if I can be of any use." + +"No, no, rest now, thank you," said he, in a broken, dejected tone. + +She went, and again found Walter in the outer room, watching for tidings +of his mother. "Asleep," she said. "Lionel?" + +"Asleep too, I hope. You are going to bed?" + +"Yes, thank you; but Clara--" + +"I will go to Clara the first thing in the morning. I shall sit up on my +father's account. Don't you think of it,--sleep as long as you can; you +have had watching enough." + +"I have been so glad," Marian said, in a tear-stilled whisper. + +"You cannot tell how I have longed to thank you, Marian, for what you +have been to her:" said Walter, speaking from the fulness of heart, +which overcame his natural reserve and bashfulness. "You are thanked +enough by our present feelings on the subject,--by that letter:--may I +keep it a little longer?" + +"O yes, yes!" cried Marian, hastily, disclaiming in her heart all his +thanks, though unable to do so with her lips. + +"It takes away all regret for the briefness of the illness," added +Walter, as if the speaking of it was a satisfaction he could hardly +relinquish. + +"I am sure she thought much; no one can tell what passed," said Marian, +in a low, broken murmur. + +"Little did I think last summer--" said Walter, aloud to himself. "Yes, +this is best, far best, if one could but feel it so!" + +Marian thought the same, and, like him, could not feel it; but unable to +express herself, she simply said, as soon as her tears would let her, +"Good-night," and went up to her own room. + +Fatigue came on her now. When she took off the dress she had worn since +leaving Fern Torr, she found her limbs stiff and aching, and her head +dizzy with weariness. She could hardly get through the operation of +undressing; and when she tried to say her prayers, they would not come. +She could only go through the LORD'S Prayer; and too worn out to be +shocked at herself more than in a dull way, scarcely even alive to the +recollection of what had happened, she laid herself down on the bed, +which seemed strangely soft, but for a long time was too tired to sleep. +With confused thoughts and exhausted spirits, she kept on feeling as +if her aching limbs belonged to somebody else, and going off into odd, +dreamy vagaries, each more uncomfortable than the last,--ever and anon +waking into a moment's remembrance that Caroline was dead, wondering at +herself for being so dull as only to think it strange, then losing the +consciousness again. At last the light of morning made her perceptions +clearer. Fanny knocked at her door, and brought her a cup of tea. +She heard that all was quiet,--said she would get up; but with that +resolution she suddenly became more easy, and while believing she was +getting up, fell into a sound sleep. + +She awoke refreshed, and entirely herself again, though feeling stunned +and bewildered by the all-pervading thought. Caroline dead! It seemed +as if it was not otherwise with the rest of the family. Her illness had +been so short, that there had been no time to grow familiar with the +idea of her danger; and it was the first death in the household that had +hitherto been so strong and confident in health,--the first touch that +taught them how little the world they loved was an abiding-place. So +sudden had been the stroke, that they seemed to pause and stand aghast +under it, scarcely conscious how deep the wound might be. Her father +went about the house, bowed down and stricken with grief, his tones low, +sorrowful, and so gentle when speaking to his children, or to Marian, +that they could scarcely be recognised as the same voice; but, without +a word, so far as Marian, Clara, or Lionel knew, of his daughter, or +of his own feelings. Her mother, already very weak, and suffering most +acutely from the remembrance of the coldness with which she had treated +her during the last autumn, became so seriously unwell, between a +return of influenza, and her extreme depression and nervous hysterical +agitation, that Marian and Clara were almost entirely occupied in +nursing her, and trying to soothe her. In this work they were little +successful. Marian had no hold on her affection, no power of talking +soothingly, though most anxious to do what she could, and distressed +excessively by her inability to be a comfort in the painful scenes which +she was obliged to witness. She almost thought her presence made things +worse, and that Mrs. Lyddell wished her away; but poor Clara was so +entirely helpless and frightened, clung to her in so imploring a way, +and was so incapable, from the restraint that had always subsisted +between her and her mother, of saying anything to comfort her, or +assuming any direction, that Marian was obliged, for her sake, to be +almost always in the room. The only thing Marian could do in the way +of consolation was to read aloud; she could not talk of the great +thankfulness, peace, and hope which she felt herself, to Mrs. Lyddell, +though she could have done so a little, with time, to Lionel, or even +Clara; she could only read, and whether this did any good, she knew not. +At any rate, it was what she ought to do; and the sound of the voice +going on continuously had certainly a calming effect. Walter used daily +to come and read, but this she did not seem to like, though she never +made any objection; and there was so much reason for guarding against +agitation and excitement, that he, never familiar with her, could not +venture to attempt speaking to her on the subject of which all their +hearts were full. It was only Mr. Lyddell who had any real serviceable +influence with her. Her hysterical attacks never came on in his +presence, and a few affectionate words or demonstrations from him would +soothe the very worst of them. Marian saw so much real tenderness in his +character, that she positively began to feel considerable affection for +him. + +Clara was entirely bewildered and frightened, hardly yet realizing +that she had lost her sister; perplexed and alarmed about her mother, +suddenly thrust forward, from being an unregarded child, into having +all the responsibilities of the eldest daughter of a sick mother on her +hands, she could only depend upon Marian, and hang on her for direction, +assistance, and consolation,--say "yes" to whatever she suggested, and +set about it; and whenever she felt lonely, sisterless, and wretched, +lean on her, pour out her grief, and feel that she had a kind listener, +though only a monosyllabic answerer. She used to have great fits of +crying at night, when they passed Caroline's door; and more than once +she was so inconsolable, that Marian was obliged to come and stay in her +room, and sleep all night with her arm clinging round her. Altogether, +it was very desolate and perplexing; and Marian was grieved at herself +for dwelling more on this, and on the loss of her dear companion and +friend, than on the hope and happiness that ought to occupy her. How +different in the two deaths she had known before, where there was none +of this weary, harassed, doubtful, careworn feeling; only the sorrow, +bitter indeed as it was, of the parting, but with time and scope for +dwelling on all thoughts of comfort, when they would come. + +Lionel had his brother, and was thus in the best hands; and she saw very +little of him except at meal-times, when all were silent and subdued. + +So passed the week before the funeral. Only the gentlemen attended it; +Marian and Clara stayed with Mrs. Lyddell, who went through the time +better than they had ventured to hope. She was altogether improved, and +was able to sit up a little in the evening. Lionel was to go the next +day to London, to be seen by the oculist; and her sanguine mind was +fastening itself on the hope of his recovery; and though there was +too much danger that she was only hoping in order to be the more +disappointed, yet the present relief was great. + +Marian and Clara went down to dinner somewhat cheered, and hoping to +carry satisfaction with them; but there was a deeper despondency in Mr. +Lyddell's air than ever. He scarcely seemed to know what he was doing; +and when at last dinner was over, he rose up, stood by the fire a +moment, coughed, said to Walter, "You tell them," and ran upstairs. + +There was a silence: each of the three dreaded to ask what was the +matter; Walter did not know how to begin. Marian began to think it was +some family misfortune, better mentioned in her absence, and was rising +to go away; but Walter exclaimed, "No, don't go, Marian; all the world +must know it soon, I fear." + +"Not Johnny!" cried Clara. "O, Walter, Walter, don't let it be Johnny!" + +"No," said Lionel; "I know it is something more about Elliot. Is it very +bad indeed, Walter?" + +"Very; I do not think he is going to tell my mother the full extent. +There was a letter from Paris this morning, from Captain Evans, saying +he thought it right that my father should be warned that Elliot is going +on there in his old way, and worse still, is reported to be on the brink +of a ruinous marriage." + +Clara was the first to break the silence of consternation. "Marriage! +and now! a Frenchwoman! O Walter, Walter it can't be true! he can't do +it now, at any rate!" + +"There is some hope that this may make a delay: it is the one chance +that my father trusts to," said Walter. "The history seems to be this, +as far as I can understand. When the discovery of all these debts came +on my father, he wrote Elliot a very indignant letter, refusing to be +answerable for any of them except that which Faulkner had guaranteed +which of course he paid at once. This letter seems to have stirred +Elliot up into a fit of passion; he went on more recklessly than ever, +and now is getting drawn into this miserable connection." + +"Yes, just like Elliot!" said Lionel. "And what is papa going to do?" + +"He means to go to Paris at once, sacrifice any thing, pay all the debts +at any cost, if he can only bring Elliot back with him, and save him +from ruining himself entirely." + +"But he is not going to tell mamma about the marriage, I hope?" said +Clara. + +"No, he will leave her to think it is only the old story, and that he +wants to see if anything can be done about the debts. There is a hope +that the news he must have had by this time may have checked him." + +"Perhaps it may be bringing him home," said Marian. + +"No, I fear he is too much involved to venture to England." + +Again following a silence; no one could think of anything consoling to +suggest; all were unwilling to heap censure upon one who deserved it but +too richly. Only Lionel was heard to give a sort of groan, find after a +time Clara asked, "Is it a Frenchwoman?" + +"Yes," said Walter; "a person connected with the theatres." + +The four again sat in mournful silence. + +"I suppose," said Lionel at length, "that my going to London had better +be put off till he comes back." + +"No," said Walter, "he wishes that to be done at once. We are all three +to go to London to-morrow, as was settled before; he will go with you to +see the oculist, and on to Dover by the night-train; and if the oculist +wishes to keep you, I shall stay with you in London till he comes back, +or till my mother and the rest can come." + +"Thank you," said Lionel, sighing; "I wish I could help it! Is not it +leaving a pretty state of things behind us, though? not that we are any +great good to the ladies to be sure!" + +"Yes, it is leaving you at a very sad time," said Walter, looking at the +two girls, "but we are hardly able to be of much use to my mother, and +if there was any prospect of your improvement, that they all say would +do her more good than anything else. However, my father said that must +be according to your feelings, Clara and Marian, if you were afraid to +be left with the charge of her, I would remain." + +One of Walter's awkward ways of putting the question, and it instantly +suggested to Clara to be afraid. + +"I am sure I shan't know what to do. Only think, Marian, for us to be +left--what should we do if mamma was to get suddenly worse? We should +have no one to help us, I shall be in such a nervous state, I could do +no good." + +"No, no, Clara, you won't," said Marian, whilst Walter had begun to +look in consternation at Clara. "Nobody ever has nerves when there is +anything to be done. You know Mrs. Lyddell is much better." + +"O but she will be so very unhappy and excited about papa's being +gone, and I am sure I shall never be able to conceal from her all this +dreadful business about Elliot." + +"Yes, you will," said Marian quietly. "We shall do very well indeed, it +cannot be for long, and if we wanted him we could get Walter home in a +few hours' time. If he can send us good news of Lionel, it will help us +much more than his staying here could do." + +"If dear Caroline,"--and Clara burst into a fit of weeping, which +obliged her to leave the room. Every one was feeling the same thing, +that Caroline, with her energy, good sense, and the power she had once +possessed with her mother, would have made all easy, and the sense of +missing her had come strongly upon them all. Marian followed Clara to +her own room, let her lean upon her and cry, wept with her, joined in +saying how grievous the loss was, and how much they had loved her, and +how they should want her every day and every hour, then called hack the +remembrance that Caroline had not been happy here, and had longed for +rest, and it was come to her, and they must not be selfish, but there +Clara cried more, saying that Marian never knew what a sister was, and +it was unkind to wish her to be glad. + +"I don't know," said Marian, pausing as her tears flowed fast, "I have +known death, Clara." + +"You weren't glad!" said Clara passionately. + +"I don't know," she said thinking, and speaking with difficulty. "Not +then, not always now, O no! But I always knew I ought to be glad, for +dear papa had suffered so much, I could not wish it to be going on +still--no, no. And dear mamma, when he was gone, it was a sad world for +her, she could only have wished to stay for our sakes. Yet, after the +first, I always felt it was right, and so will you too, Clara, in time." + +"If she was but here to help me!" sobbed Clara. + +"We must try," said Marian, "we can't be as useful and ready as she was, +but we will do our very best. I am sure Mrs. Lyddell likes to have you +sit with her." + +"Did you think so?" said Clara, ready to be cheered by any token, of +preference. + +"Yes, I saw how glad she was to have you instead of me, when you came in +from the garden." + +Clara looked pleased. + +"You will sit with her, and read to her, and I can help you when you +have too much on your hands at once. You see it is a great comfort to +Mr. Lyddell to have you to leave her with." + +The being made important was a great thing with Clara, and she was quite +reconciled to the prospect of her charge by the time they had to go down +stairs to tea. + +After tea Marian was left alone with Lionel, while Clara was with her +mother; and Walter in consultation with Mr. Lyddell, for here at least +was one benefit, that Walter seemed to have taken his proper place, and +to be a real comfort and help to his father in a way he had never hoped +for. + +"You've cheered up Clara, I hear in her voice," said Lionel. + +"O yes, we shall do very well." + +"Do you mind it, Marian?" said he, turning his ear towards her, as if +to judge by the minute intonations of her answer, as people do by the +expression of the countenance. + +Her reply was brave, "No, not at all." + +"Are you sure?" + +"Yes. I don't see what would be gained by keeping you and Walter here. +She does not depend on Walter as she does on your father, and all that +is required we can do as well without Walter in the house. It would be +nonsense to keep you merely for the feel of having some one, and for the +rest, I am sure Clara will be the better for being thrust forward, and +made useful." + +"Very well. I should not in the least mind waiting, for I have not much +hope myself, but it is just as well for oneself and every one else to be +put out of one's misery as soon as possible, and settle down into it." + +Marian remembered how differently he had spoken half a year ago, when +the danger first broke on him, and looking up she saw his steadfast +though mournful face. She spoke her thought. + +"It has been a great thing to have this long preparation." + +"Yes, I am glad of it, though I have been a great plague and nuisance to +every one, especially to you, Marian. I know what you're going to say, +so let alone that. I wish--. But no use talking of that, she was very +kind and we got very comfortable together after you were gone, Marian, +and I like to remember that." + +"Ah! I was sure you would. And Walter read you what she said about you?" + +"Yes, I wish--I little knew"--then suddenly "Marian, I'll tell you +something: one morning when you were gone, she had to read a bit of a +chapter in the Gospel about the healing the blind man, and you can't +think how hard she tried to get through it without breaking down, but +she could not. She cried at last, as if she could not help it, and then +she got up, and came and kissed me, and I felt her tears on my face. I +didn't know what to say, but that's what I like to remember." + +"And the Church-going on Christmas day," whispered Marian. + +"Ay, she led me up," said Lionel. + +"Everything is so very comforting," said Marian. + +"So Walter says." + +"Lionel, do you remember the print you and Gerald gave me long ago of S. +Margaret walking through the dark wood of this world, and subduing the +dragon? I am sure she is like it. She had all this world before her, and +she chose vexation and trouble instead of doing wrong! O Lionel, it is +very noble!" + +"That it is," said Lionel, "only things never seem so at the time. I +wish they did, but. I am glad my father saw it all right before, and +said he was glad she had given him up." + +"Yes, that is a comfort." + +"My poor father!" said Lionel presently, "I never guessed he cared so +much about--things. Do you know, Marian, I think even if I do get back +my eyes, I could not go after the Australian bulls, unless 'twas the +only way of getting a living." + +"I am glad you have put them out of your head," said Marian, smiling +sadly. + +"Ay, I was very mad upon them once," said Lionel, "but I see that eyes +or no eyes, we must set ourselves in earnest to be some sort of comfort +to them, and if Johnny is to be always at sea, I had better not be on +the other side of the world. If I am to see, why then it is all right; +if not, I'll do the best I can at home." + +"That's right, Lionel." + +"I can do a good deal already, I am no trouble to any one, am I? I can +go all over the house and park by myself, and find all my own goods +without any one's help, and I'll do more in time, so as to be no bother +to any one, and I do believe now they like to have me at home. Don't you +remember, Marian," and he lowered his voice confidentially, one reason +why I wanted to go to Australia, and make a fortune?" + +"Yes," said Marian, knowing that he meant his vision of winning love +from his parents. + +"Well, I think," said he, "that being blind has answered as well." + +A silence, then he went on, "I know what you meant now about a time when +I might he glad to have been blind. If Caroline had married that man, +she would not have died as happily as that, and there was an end of all +the trouble and vexation; so there will be an end to my blindness some +time or other, and it will keep me out of lots of mischief. I don't mean +that there is not plenty of opportunity of doing wrong as it is," he +added, "but not so much. Better be blind than like Elliot, and perhaps I +might have come to that." + +"O Lionel, it is such a comfort you can speak so!" + +"I've tried it now, and 'tis not so very bad," said Lionel, turning with +an odd mixture of smile and sadness, "besides I saw almost the last of +her face, and I should only miss her the more like her voice. I have got +her face stored up with all of yours. You know I shan't see when any of +you grow old and ugly, Marian. Well, and after all I am glad it is to +be settled now, I don't think I shall mind it near so much as I should +another time, now I have just heard all that over her grave. I got +Walter to read it to me all over again when we came home. It has been +very nice to have Walter." + +Marian guessed how Walter had strengthened and helped him, and she +judged rightly, but she did not know how silently he listened to all +Walter's talkings and readings, unable to pour out his full feeling to +any one but herself. + +The others came in from their different quarters, it was late, and +Marian was about to wish good night, when Walter in a low hurried voice +said to her and Clara, "Don't go yet, my father wishes to have prayers." + +A moment more and the servants came in, all were kneeling, and Marian's +tears of thankful joy were streaming fast as Walter read an evening +prayer. Was not Caroline glad? was the thought, as she recollected that +first morning, when all had seemed to her childish mind so dreary and +unhallowed, and when Caroline had lamented the omission. Yes! was not +Caroline glad, now that one of the dearest wishes of her heart had been +gained? Was she not glad of this first token that trouble had brought a +change over her father? + +Each fresh petition brought such a gush of earnest softened tears that +Marian's face bore evident traces of them, when she rose up, and had to +wish Mr. Lyddell good night. She did not speak, but held out her hand. +He spoke with difficulty, "My dear," he said, "I have wished to thank +you, but I cannot otherwise than by leaving more on your hands. Walter +has told you how it is with us. You are kind enough to help Clara. +I don't know what we should do without you. I rely on your judgment +entirely." + +"I'll do my best," said Marian, "I am glad to be of use." + +"You were _her_ best friend," said Mr. Lyddell hastily. "Well, good +night, thank you, my dear," and he kissed her forehead, as though she +had been his own daughter. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + "Let us be patient. These severe afflictions + Not from the ground arise + But oftentimes celestial benedictions + Assume this dark disguise. + + "We see but dimly through the mists and vapours + Amid these earthly damps + What seems to us but sad funereal tapers + May be heaven's distant lamps." + + LONGFELLOW. + + +There were morning prayers before the hurried breakfast, which was +interspersed with numerous directions about what was to be done for Mrs. +Lyddell, and what letters were to be sent after Mr. Lyddell. Lionel was +grave and silent, as became one whose fate was in the balance, without +either shrinking or bravado; but somewhat as if he was more inclined, +than had been the case last night, to hope for a favorable result. +With heartfelt prayers did Marian watch him as be crossed the hall and +entered the carriage, calling out a cheerful good-bye,--prayers that, if +it were the will of Heaven, his affliction might be removed; but that if +not, help might be given him to turn it into a blessing, as he seemed +almost to be beginning to do. His father, too,--little had Marian ever +thought to feel for him the affectionate compassion and sympathy, of +which she was now sensible, as she responded to his kind, fatherly +farewell, and thought of what he must be feeling; obliged to leave his +wife in so anxious and suffering a state; his daughter, the pride of the +family, removed so suddenly; his most promising son probably blind for +life; his eldest, a grief, pain, and shame to them all. Marian must pray +for him too, that he might be supported and aided through these most +bitter trials, and that the work which they had begun in him might go on +and be perfected; that these troubles, grievous as they were, might in +his ease also turn to blessings. + +The occupation of the two girls was all day the care of Mrs. Lyddell. +She was not worse, as far as bodily ailments went; the attack of cold, +brought on by leaving her room to attend on Caroline, had gone off, +and her strength was in some degree returning; but she was restless, +excited, irritable, and with an inability to restrain herself, that was +more alarming than Marian liked to own to herself, far less to Clara. + +She insisted on getting up at an earlier hour than she had hitherto +attempted; she was worn out and wearied with dressing; she was impatient +and vexed with Clara, for some mistake about her pillows; and the +trembling of her hand, as she was eating some broth, was uncontrollable. +The broth was not what she liked, and she would send for the +housekeeper, to reprove her about it; asked questions about the +arrangements, found them not as she wished; spoke sharply, said no one +took heed to anything while she was ill, and then burst into a fit of +weeping at the thought of the daughter who would have been able to +supply her place. + +This spent itself, (for the girls were unable to do anything effectual +in soothing it away); the doctors made their daily visit, and cheered +her up a little. The consequence of this exhilaration was, that she +began talking about Lionel, and anticipating his perfect recovery; +arranging how they were all to go and join him in London, and working +herself up to a state of great excitement; pettish with Marian for not +being able to answer her hopefully, and at last, hysterically laughing +at the picture she drew of Lionel with restored sight. + +Marian asked if she would be read to, and took up a serious book, with +which she had put her to sleep two or three times before, but nothing +of the kind would she hear; and as the best chance of at least quieting +her, Marian went on a voyage of discovery among the club books down +stairs, and brought up a book of travels, and a novel. Mrs. Lyddell +chose the novel; it was a very exciting story, and caught the attention +of all three. Marian grew eager about it, and was well pleased to go on; +and so it occupied them most of the afternoon and evening, driving out a +great deal of care, as Marian could not help gratefully acknowledging, +though she would willingly have had space to work out with herself the +question, whether care had best be driven out or grappled with. Mrs. +Lyddell was indeed in no state to grapple with it, and there was nothing +to be done but to take the best present means of distracting her +attention; yet it was to be feared that, though put aside, the enemy was +not conquered,--and might there not be worse to come? + +It was about half-past seven and the two girls were drinking tea with +Mrs. Lyddell in her room. She was just beginning to make herself unhappy +about Mr. Lyddell's late journey and night-voyage, when there was a tap +at the door, and on the answer, "Come in!" it opened, and Lionel stood +there. + +There was a sudden exclamation: they all three sprang up and looked at +him, but alas! it was still by feeling that he came forward, though his +countenance was cheerful, and there was a smile upon his lips. + +"Well, mamma," he said, in a brave, almost a lively tone, "you must +be content to have me at home." And in answer to their broken, half +expressed interrogations, "No, he can't do any thing for me; so it was +not worth while to stay any longer in London. How are you this evening, +mamma?" + +He was guiding himself towards her chair, one hand on the table; she +threw herself forward to meet him, flung her arms round his neck and +sobbed, "My boy, my poor dear boy! O Lionel! it has been all my fault +and neglect!" + +"No, no, don't--don't say that, mamma!" said Lionel, extremely +distressed by her weeping, and not knowing where to rest her, as she +hung with her whole weight abandoned on him. Marian and Clara were +obliged to help him, and seat her in her chair again; while she still +wept piteously, and poor Lionel stood, hearing the sobs, and very much +grieved. "Ought I not to have told her?" said he to Marian. "I thought +if she saw I could bear it, it would be better than writing." + +"Yes, yes, you did quite right; she will be better presently." + +She was soon better, and leaning back on her pillows exhausted, looked +up at the fine tall boy before her, the glow of youth and health on his +face, spirit and enterprise in every feature,--but those large blue +eyes, bright as they were, for ever darkened and useless. + +"O Lionel!" she sighed again. + +"The man behaved very well," said Lionel; "he did not plague me at all. +He only pulled up my eyelids--so--and studied them, and I suppose he +gave some sign to my father, for I heard him make a noise that showed me +how I was; so I asked. He told me there was not a chance, and made me +understand the rights of it; and so here I am. Never mind, mamma, there +was a tendency to it all my life, and nothing would have stopped it in +the end; and now I know what it is, I have no doubt but I shall do very +well. I mean to be like the blind man that unharnessed all the horses in +the middle of the night, when the coach was upset, and no one else was +of any use." + +He stopped once or twice in his harangue, to judge how his mother was, +by her breathings; and he spoke with a smile and look of resolution +and eagerness, as he concluded with another "Never mind, mamma, for I +don't." She took hold of his hand, and pressed it, too much overcome to +speak. + +"Is papa gone?" asked Clara. + +"Yes." And Lionel proceeded to give a message which he had sent back. + +"And where's Walter?" + +"In the drawing-room." + +More people were already in the room than Marian thought good for Mrs. +Lyddell; and understanding Clara's wishes, she went down to speak to +Walter, to carry a message that his mother would see him after tea, and +to arrange for a substantial supper for the two youths, who had had no +dinner. + +Walter was waiting anxiously to know how his mother had endured the +tidings. + +"She was very much, overcome at first," said Marian; "but now she has +had a good cry, she will be more likely to go to sleep quietly. Poor +Lionel! he did it admirably." + +"It has been his chief thought," said Walter. "He begged to come home at +once, saying it would be the best way to have it over before night; +it would save all hoping and worrying, about him; and the instant we +arrived, he ran straight up stairs." + +Walter and Marian were not familiar enough to say it to each other, but +both were comparing his present conduct with his former bitterness of +spirit against his mother. Death, sorrow, anxiety, and illness had drawn +close the cords of love, and opened the well-springs of affection, so +long choked up and soured by neglect and worldly care. + +"How did he bear it at the first?" + +"Bravely; he had wound himself up. He was flushing and turning pale all +through the journey; but when once he came to the door, he was as calm +and steady as possible. My father was much more agitated; he would lead +Lionel himself, and very nearly threw him down the steps. You should +have seen how Lionel never flinched,--did not let one feature quiver +while he was being turned round to the light and examined. We saw how it +was by the doctor's face, but Lionel spoke first, as--no, more steadily, +than I can tell it, 'There is nothing to be done, then?'--attended more +firmly to the explanation of the causes than we could, spoke as freely +as if it had been about some indifferent case. The doctor was quite +struck with it. He shook hands with him when he went, and kept me a +moment after, to say, of all the many cases he had seen, he had never +known greater resolution,--never seen any one he had been more sorry +for. However, it was not only that,--that might have been the pride of +firmness; but it has been the same all along. He set himself to cheer my +father, who was very much overcome; and ever since has been telling me +of all his schemes for employment, and arranging how to spare my mother +as much as possible. Yes, he is a fine fellow!" said Walter, stopping +with a heavy sigh. + +"I am sure he will make himself happy," said Marian earnestly; "you +don't know how many resources he has, and you see how wonderfully +independent he is already." + +"Yes," said Walter, sadly; "but though I know it is all right--to see +what he might have been! But that is mere nonsense," he added, catching +himself up; "we should never have known what was in him; and perhaps he +would have been very different." + +Not a word expressed of Walter's sincere thankfulness for the change +that affliction was bringing on them. + +Lionel came down presently, Marian presided at their tea, and would have +enjoyed it very much, if she had not been sorry Clara should not be +relieved from her harassing attendance up stairs. But her mother could +not spare her, and perhaps the being positively useful, and pulled by +force out of her childishness, was the best thing for her. + +"Marian, I hope you will be able to ride with me to-morrow, if mamma +does not want you?" said Lionel. + +Walter looked full of inquiry and consternation. + +"If we can manage it," said Marian, cheerfully; though now that the +custom had been disused for a time, she did not like the notion quite +so well as before; since she could not now even figure to herself that +Lionel guided himself at all, He had said it chiefly for the purpose +of asserting his intention of continuing the practice, and was quite +satisfied by her answer. + +Walter went up stairs to his mother shortly after, and Lionel was left +alone with Marian. + +"I am sure I hope it won't hurt her," said he; "I thought it was best to +have it out at once." + +"Much the best, since it was to come." + +"Yes," he said, pausing for some space, then exclaiming, "I don't know, +though! I thought it would be better to know the worst, and have one's +mind made up; but I don't think 'tis more comfortable, after all. I +should like to get back that little spark of hope I had this morning! +O, Marian, there was one time when the sun shone out full, and so warm, +exactly on my face, and some one in the train said it was a glorious +winter day. It was close by Slough; I knew we were in sight of the +castle, and perhaps one might see the chapel, and the trees in the +playing-fields. I thought soon, I might be seeing it all again: and +I vow, Marian, I could have leaped from here to Windsor at the bare +thought. It was being a great fool, to be sure; but as we came back, I +was half glad it was dark, so that nobody else could see it." + +"Yet I am sure your last half year at Eton was no happy time; you went +through a great deal." + +"I'd do it all again, if I could see as much as I did then," said +Lionel. "I don't mind it so much in general now; I get on much better +than I thought I should, and it is not nearly as bad now I am quite in +the dark, and wake up to it, as when the glimmer of light was going. I +can do very well, except when a great gush--I don't know what to call +it--great rush of remembering the sky and all sorts of things comes +on me, and I know it is to be darkness always. Then!--but it is all +nonsense talking of it. I shall get the better of that, some day or +other, I suppose. But I did not think, yesterday, that the being sure of +it would be half so bad!" + +"You braced yourself yesterday, and that helped you to-day." + +"Yes; and then there was my father,--he has enough to vex him, without +knowing all this. And, after all, it is nothing; I've got plenty to do, +and I'll manage it capitally. I'll tell you what, Marian, if mamma can +spare you, we'll ride to Salisbury, and get some of that good twine, and +I'll make Gerald the fishing-net you said he wanted." + +Lionel had hitherto never consented to learn to net. + +Mrs. Lyddell was better the next day, and all was quiet and prosperous, +so that Walter could write a satisfactory account to his father. Clara +had a good walk with her brothers in the morning, and in the afternoon +the ride took effect: Marian came into Mrs. Lyddell's room in her habit, +and gave notice, "we are going to ride," so much as if it was a matter +of course that Mrs. Lyddell asked no questions, and feared no dangers. +Walter went with them, and Marian could have wished him away, for he was +so anxious and nervous as very nearly to make her the same, and though +he said nothing of his anxieties, Lionel found them out, and told him +in his old gruff way that there was nothing to be in a taking about; +indeed, Lionel was the more inclined to be adventurous in order to show +himself entirely at his ease. + +However, nothing went wrong, and Marian and he both felt it a point +gained that their riding together was established. A few days passed +on quietly and gravely, a pause of waiting and suspense. Mrs. +Lyddell, though less ill, was not materially improved as regarded the +excitability of her spirits. She would be excessively depressed at +one time, at another in such high spirits as were much more alarming. +Sometimes she would talk about their being all ruined and undone, and go +on rapidly to say they must give up the house in London, retrench, live +on nothing; at others she anticipated Mr. Lyddell's bringing Elliot +back, all his debts paid, to live at home and be a comfort, or some +friend was to give Walter a great living, or Clara was to come out, and +to be presented in the summer. At the same time the fretful irritability +of nerve and temper continued, and any unusual excitement, the talking a +little longer in her room, a letter, or a little disappointment, would +keep her awake all night. One thing, however, seemed certain, that +Lionel's presence had some of the same power over her as her husband's; +she was too much occupied with watching him, to work herself into her +anxious excited moods, and now that he had grown more familiar with her, +his cheerful lively way of speaking always refreshed and pleased her. He +would come in, in a glow of bright health, from a quick walk or ride in +the clear frosty air, and show such genuine pleasure and animation +as must console those who were grieving for his privation; he would +undertake her messages, and find things in a wonderful manner, and he +liked to listen to the reading aloud that always went on in her room. +When Lionel came in, Marian and Clara always felt relieved from half +their present care. + +At last came a letter from Mr. Lyddell to Walter. The worst of his +fears were fulfilled. Elliot was actually married, and report had not +exaggerated the disgrace of the connection. Mr. Lyddell had not chosen +to see him, and intended to be at home, by the end of the next day, +after they would receive the letter. + +It was a great shock, but perhaps none of the four young people had +such lively hopes of Elliot as to be very much overwhelmed by the +disappointment, as far as he was individually concerned. He had never +been a kind elder brother to Clara or Lionel, and it was only Walter who +could have any of those recollections of a childhood spent together, +which would make the loss of intercourse personally painful. They had +all been brought up to a sort of loyal feeling towards Elliot as the +eldest, and to think his extravagance almost a matter of course, but +only the tie of blood, and sympathy for their parents could cause them +any acute pain on his account. + +For their parents they were greatly grieved, for Elliot had with all +his faults, been their especial pride and hope, and the effect on Mrs. +Lyddell in her present state was very much to be apprehended. It was a +comfort however that it was decided in full council that they might put +off the evil day of telling her, for there was no occasion that she +should be informed till her husband returned. He came the next day, and +very worn down, broken and oldened did he look, as he returned to his +mourning household. Not a word did he say in public of the object of his +journey, and all that transpired to Marian, through Lionel, who heard +it from Walter, was "that it was as bad as bad could be; it was thought +Elliot had done it out of spite, at any rate he was never likely to +bring his wife to England." Neither did Mrs. Lyddell speak of it, and +Marian only knew that she had been informed of it, by the increased +excitability and irritation of her nerves. Poor Clara underwent +plenty of scolding, for she was the only victim, since Mrs. Lyddell's +continuous dislike to Marian kept her on her ordinary terms of +ceremony, scarcely ever asking her to do her any service, thanking her +scrupulously, and never finding fault to her face. + +Marian was at first very sorry for Clara, who was bewildered, and +disconcerted, but after a day or two, things seemed to right themselves +wonderfully. Clara grew used to the fretfulness, and was no longer +frightened by it, nor made unhappy, but learnt how to meet it and smooth +it down without being hurt by it. It was surely the instinct of natural +affection, for inferior in every way as she was to Marian, yet in her +mother's sick room she suddenly acquired all the tact, power, and +management that Marian failed in. Hitherto she had been childish and +astray, as if she wanted her vocation; now she had found it, and settled +admirably into it, acquiring a sense, energy, and activity that no one +could have supposed her capable of. + +Outside that room, she was the same Clara still, without much either of +rational tastes or conversation, afraid of her father, and not much of a +companion to her brother, helpless in everything that did not regard her +mother, and clinging to Marian for help and direction, Marian must speak +for her, tell her what to say if she had to write a note, take the +responsibility of every arrangement. Nothing was much harder than to +shove Clara forward into becoming the ostensible lady of the house, +as it seemed as if she must continue for some time to come, since the +doctors spoke of the most absolute rest and freedom from excitement +being necessary to restore her mother's shattered health and spirits. +She was to see no visitors, be soothed as much as possible, have no +cares or anxieties brought to her, be only moderately occupied and +amused, or the nervous attacks would return. Marian had a suspicion that +they feared for her mind. She became stronger, was able to rise earlier, +and to drive out in the carriage, but she never dined with the family, +and remained in her sitting room up stairs, with Clara for her regular +attendant, and visits from the rest. + +Walter returned to his curacy as soon as he could be spared, and Lionel +became, as usual, chiefly dependent on Marian, who read to him, walked +with him, rode with him, assisted him in his contrivances for helping +himself, and was his constant guide and companion; doing at the same +time all she could for Clara's service, but keeping in the back ground +and making Clara do all the representative part for herself. + +They missed Caroline every hour of the day, far more since they had +settled into an every-day course of habits and most especially in the +evening and at meal times. There always used to be so much conversation +going on at dinner and now no one seemed to say anything; Clara sat at +the head of the table in awe of her father, Lionel and Marian did not +feel disposed to talk in their own way before him there never had been +any freedom of intercourse, and nobody knew how to begin. + +Marian thought the silent party very sad and forlorn for poor Mr. +Lyddell, and that it must remind him grievously of the state of his +family. Some one must talk, but how were they ever to begin? She was the +worst person in the world to do it, yet try she must. + +She began talking over the ride they had taken that day, but Clara was +not at her ease enough to ask questions, or make observations, Lionel +did not second her, and Mr. Lyddell said no more than "O." Another day +she tried giving a history of a call that had been made by some of their +neighbors, but nobody would be interested. How could she be so stupid? +She almost dreaded dinner time. At last one day, she luckily cast her +eyes on the newspaper, and it is a melancholy truth that the sight of a +horrid murder gave her a certain degree of satisfaction! She began about +it at dinner, when every one talked about it, every one had some view as +to the perpetrator, and it really carried them through all dinner time +without one dreary tract of silence, and served them on a second day. + +A second day and a third, for more intelligence came out, and then +luckily for her, came a revolution, next a dreadful accident, and at +last the habit of talking became so well established that there was no +need to look for topics in the newspaper. It was without an effort that +she could originate a remark addressed to Mr. Lyddell. Lionel began to +shake off his old schoolboy reserves, and rattle on freely. Clara grew +more at ease, and Mr. Lyddell began to be entertained, to be drawn into +the conversation, and to narrate his day's doings, just as of old +when his wife was there, pleased with their interest in them, making +explanations, and diverted with Lionel's merry comments. + +It was however dreary and uncomfortable, with all these vague anxieties +for Mrs. Lyddell, and with the whole house in the unsettled state +consequent on missing its moving power. The servants had been used to +depend on her, and could not go on without her; they teased Clara, +and Clara teased Marian about them, no one knew what to do, nor what +authority to assume, and the petty vexations were endless that were +borne by the two girls rather than annoy Mr. Lyddell; perplexities, +doubts whether they were doing what was wise or right by the house or by +the servants; Marian's good sense making her judge the right, but her +awkwardness, and Clara's incapacity, breaking down in the execution; +continual worry and no dignity in it. + +The loss of Caroline as a companion was severely felt. Marian had not +been fully conscious how very closely entwined their hearts had been, +how necessary they had grown to each other even before those latter days +of full confidence. Every pursuit was mixed up with Caroline, every walk +recalled her, every annoyance would have given way at her light touch. +There was no one left with whom Marian could have anything like the +conversations they had been used to enjoy from almost the earliest +days of her coming to Oakworthy. Lionel was indeed a very agreeable +companion, nay more, a friend, full of right feeling, principle, good +sense, thought, and liveliness; but a younger boy could never make up +for the loss of such a friend of her own sex. Each evening as she sat +over the fire in her room, her heart ached with longing for Caroline's +tap at the door, or with the wish to go and knock at hers, and then the +thrill at thinking that there was only gloom and vacancy in her room. +Had they but found each other out before! But oh! how much better to +think of her as she did of her own parents, added to her store in +Paradise, than to see her the wife of that man, unhappy as she must have +been unless she had lost all that was excellent and hopeful. + +These thoughts would comfort Marian when she went up to bed, harassed, +weary, disgusted with cares and vexations, and craving for rest and +sympathy. She thought of the home that awaited her at Fern Torr, the +hope that had carried her through last autumn, but withal came a dim +vague perception that a great sacrifice might be before her. Would it be +right to seek her own happiness and repose there, and leave the Lyddells +to their present distress? She did not think she was of much use, Clara +was all-sufficient for her mother, and Marian was rather less liked by +Mrs. Lyddell than formerly; but as a support to Clara, as a companion to +Lionel, and as some one to talk to Mr. Lyddell, she was not absolutely +useless. She had no doubt Clara and Lionel would miss her sadly, indeed +it would be unkind to leave them, it would be positively wrong to +forsake them when she was of some value, and go where she could not +suppose herself to be actually wanted, though she might be loved and +cherished. Yet to give up that beloved hope! The vision that had +delighted her from the first years of her orphanhood; the hope become +tangible beyond all expectations, the wish of her heart. To give up +home, Edmund and Agnes, for this weary life! How could she? But it was +not worth while to think about it yet, things might change, before they +were ready for her, Mrs. Lyddell might recover, Clara and Lionel might +grow sufficient for each other, anything might, would or should happen, +rather than she would give up her beloved hope of the home she longed +for, especially now the house was actually building, and each letter +brought her accounts of its progress. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + "Perchance it was ours on life's journey to enter + Some path through whose shadows no lovelight was thrown, + With heart that could breast the fierce storms of its winter, + And gather the wealth of its harvest alone; + It is well there are stars in bright heaven to guide us + To heights we ne'er dreamt of,--but oh, to forget + The fortunes that bar, and the gulfs that divide us + From paths that looked lovely, with some we have met." + + F. BROWNE. + + +Many weeks had passed away, and nothing had changed, in any +material way, since the spring. Mrs. Lyddell's condition was still +unsatisfactory, and she seemed to be settling into a confirmed state of +ill health, and almost of hypochondriacism. So many shocks, following +each other in such quick succession, on a person entirely unprepared by +nature, experience or self-regulation, had entirely broken her down, and +shattered her nerves and spirits in a manner which she seemed less and +less like to recover. She was only able to rise late in the day, take a +short drive, and after dining in her own room, come down in the evening, +if they were alone, and it was a good day with her. + +No change, neither sea air, nor London advice, had made much difference, +and her condition had become so habitual, that her family had ceased to +expect any considerable amendment; and it was likely that Clara would, +for many years, have full employment as her companion and attendant. +Lionel was perfectly, hopelessly blind, but growing reconciled to his +misfortune, and habituated to the privation, as well as resigned in +will. His natural character, of a high-spirited, joyous, enterprising +boy, showed itself still in his independence and fearlessness, joined to +cheerfulness, and enlivened the house. He had even gone the length of +talking freely and drolly to his father, and Mr. Lyddell had learnt to +smile, and even laugh at his fun. + +There had been fears that the removal to London, for the session of +Parliament, would be a great privation to him, since he would miss the +wandering about the downs by himself, and the riding with Marian; but +his temper and spirits did not fail. He walked every day with her, and +was entertained with all he heard, both by his own quick ears, and by +her description. They went to exhibitions, where she saw for him, and +there were lectures, readings, and other oral amusements, to which his +father, or some good-natured friend, would take him. He began to acquire +a taste for music, which he had hitherto never cared to hear, and +concerts became a great delight to him: though he had not the correct +ear, and admirable appreciation of music, that often, in blind persons, +seems like a compensation for the loss of the pleasures of the eye. + +Lady Marchmont became very kind to him. She was thoroughly good natured, +and the sight of the blind youth, whose arm Marian held as they walked +together, stirred all her kindly feelings. He was gentlemanlike +and pleasant looking, and his manner, now divested of schoolboy +_brusquerie_, was frank and confiding. Selina was disposed to like him, +and to be interested in him. She found, too, that Marian did not like to +go out when his amusement was not provided for; so at first for Marian's +sake, then for his own, she made him join them when they went to +concerts, or to any other amusement that could gratify him. Her bright +liveliness and spirited way of talking, won him; and it delighted Marian +to see what great friends they became, even to the length of laughing +over the old Wreath of Beauty story together. And when at length she was +brought, of her own accord, in some degree to patronise Clara, it was a +triumph indeed; and Mrs. Lyddell was more obliged to Marian than for all +the real benefits she had conferred, when she saw Clara dressed to go to +a party at Lady Marchmont's. + +All this time Marian was becoming more and more a prey to that secret +doubt, whether it might not be a duty to give up her cherished hope of a +home at Fern Torr. She did not see how she could be spared. Clara was an +admirable attendant on her mother, and was becoming a better mistress of +the house; but she was not able to be at the same time a companion to +her father and Lionel, and, poor girl, she would be very forlorn and +much at a loss, without Marian's elder sisterhood; for the sense of help +and reliance that Marian's presence gave her was little less. For her to +go away, would be to bring home to Clara the loss of Caroline more than +she had ever been left to feel it. + +Yet, on the other hand, Clara was no companion. They talked, indeed, but +they never discussed,--never had any interchange of higher sympathies or +reflections; it was not getting beyond the immediate matter in hand; +and often Marian, would be sensible that, if her own pleasure were +consulted, a walk or ride, with her thoughts free to range in meditation +or day-dream, was preferable to Clara's chatter. + +Her own pleasure,--that she enjoyed but little, and less now than ever, +for her time was never her own. There was Lionel on her hands almost +every day, to be read to, or walked with; and if he went out with his +father, or spent an hour in his mother's room, there was Clara wanting +her quite as much, for gossip, exercise, or consultation. Mrs. Lyddell, +too, must be visited; for though Marian was not the most beloved, +or most welcome person in the world, yet a change of society and +conversation was desirable, both for her sake and Clara's; so more +than two hours every day were spent in her sitting-room. Then, in the +evening, Marian's thoughts and ears must be free for Mr. Lyddell and +Lionel. All her own pursuits were at an end, she had hardly touched a +pencil the whole year, nor opened a German book, nor indeed any book, +excepting what she read to Lionel, and these were many. She was very +seldom able to enjoy the luxury of being alone; she could hardly even +write her letters, except by sitting up for them; and even the valuable +hour before midnight was not certain to be her own, for if Clara had no +other time to pour out her cares, she used to come then, and linger in +her cousin's room, reiterating petty perplexities, endless in detail. + +How delightful to escape from all this, to quietness, peace, freedom +from her own cares and other people's,--Fern Torr air and scenery, +Edmund and Agnes for companions, and liberty to teach school children, +go about among her own people, do good in her own way, and enjoy her own +studies. It was like a captive longing to be set free,--a wanderer in +sight of home. + +But the captive paused on the threshold of the dungeon; the wanderer +stood still on the brow of the last hill. Marian paced up and down her +own room, and thought and reasoned half aloud,-- + + "Sweet is the smile of home, the mutual look, + When hearts are of each other sure; + Sweet all the joys that crown the household nook, + The haunt of all affections pure: + Yet in the world even these abide, and we + Above the world our calling boast." + +"And I am making them the world, if for their sake I give up what my +conscience calls on me to do. I know, though I do little good here, my +going away would make them more uncomfortable. Have I any right to seek +my pleasure? But I should do more good there; I should go to school, +read to the poor people, go to Church in the week, be more improved +myself. O that home of peace and joy! And Gerald--my first duty is to +him. But what harm would it do him? I could go home for his holidays. I +must not deceive myself; I have been put in the way of positive duties +here, or rather, ways of being useful have grown up round me. Is it +right to run away from them,--poor Lionel, poor Clara! Would not every +weary hour of Lionel's--every time Clara was teased, and teased +her father,--be my fault? But how Edmund and Agnes will be +disappointed!--they who will have been throwing away so much kind care! +O you goose of a Marian! are you going to fancy it is for your sake that +they mean to marry? don't you think they can do very well without you? +How very silly to be sorry that it must be so!--how very, very silly! +And even Gerald will marry one of these days, and will not want me; and +shall I always be alone then? For as to that other sort of affection, I +am sure it is quite certain that I can never care for any body enough to +marry,--never half as well as for Gerald. No, no one will ever love me +as I do others; every one has some one nearer to them; a lonely life, +and never a home! Well, then there is a home somewhere else, and those +who made my earthly home are waiting for me there, in the Land of the +Leal." + +Such was the tenor of Marian's oft-repeated musings. The practical +result was a resolution to consult Edmund when she should go to Fern +Torr to his wedding, early in August. She could not write her pros and +cons, but to Edmund she could tell them, and trust to him as a just and +impartial judge; and if Agnes was angry, it would serve them, thought +Marian, smiling, for a quarrel, for they won't have many other chances +of one. + +However, the time drew on when, behold, every one's calculations were +disturbed by a sudden dissolution of Parliament. Hitherto such events +had not made much difference to the Lyddells; as Mr. Lyddell's election +had been, for the last twenty years, unopposed; and the only doubt +at present was, whether he thought it worth while to stand again, +considering that he was growing old and weary of business, and besides +could not well afford the London house. + +He had been hinting something of the kind to Lionel and Marian in the +evening, as a matter under consideration and they had heard it with +joy, when the next morning made a sudden change in affairs, by bringing +tidings that Mr. Faulkner was soliciting the votes of Mr. Lyddell's +constituents on the opposite interest, taking the wrong side of the +question,--a most important one, upon which the dissolution had taken +place. + +Here was indignation indeed. There was something so unfeeling in such a +proceeding, on his part, that the mildest word spoken against him was +Marian's, and that was "atrocious." To give up was one thing, to be thus +turned out was quite another; and it was clearly right to the moral +sense, as well as satisfactory to the indignant temper, that Mr. Lyddell +should oppose "to the last gasp," as the furious Lionel expressed it, +one who espoused principles so pernicious both in politics and religion. +One thing was certain, that nobody would ever wish again that Caroline +had married him. Ill as Mr. Lyddell could afford the expense of a +contested election, his blood was up, and he was determined not to yield +an inch. Never had Marian believed she could grow so vehement about +anything that concerned him, but now her whole soul seemed to be in his +success. He had always been on the right side; and now that a steadily +growing sense of religion was influencing all his actions, he was just +the fit person for his position, and Marian could, on principle, wish +earnestly to see him retain it, for his own sake, as well as to keep out +Mr. Faulkner. But, alas! poor Marian, that the ministers should have +chosen this precise time, so as just to bring the election the very week +of Edmund's wedding! + +What was to be done? Mrs. Lyddell could not believe that an election +would go on right without dinner-parties of every visitable individual +in the county; and how was Clara to manage them all? Mrs. Lyddell's only +experiment, in coming into the room when there was company, had done her +so much harm, that it was not on any account to be repeated; and her +restlessness and anxiety,--her persuasion that nothing could be done +well in which she was not concerned,--made the keeping her quiet a more +anxious business than even the receiving company. There was Mr. Lyddell +wanting to have lists written, and needing all sorts of small helps to +which he had been used from his active wife; everything came on the two +girls, and Marian did not see how she could be spared even for the three +days it would take to go to the wedding. + +Perhaps that excitement about the election would have somewhat dulled +the acuteness of the sacrifice, if it had not been for what was to come +after it. The die must be cast without consultation with Edmund; she +must write and tell them that their kind design for her was in vain. + +Gerald was at Oakworthy for the first week of his holidays, and he was +the only person she could call to hold council with her. She had some +difficulty in catching him; for he was galloping about with messages +all day, figuring to himself that he produced a grand effect in the +canvass,--making caricatures, describing them to Lionel, and conducting +him wherever he was not expected to be seen. However, catch him she did, +at bed-time, and pulling him into her room, propounded her difficulty. + +"Gerald, I don't see how I am ever to manage to go with you to their +wedding." + +Ha? don't you? Well, it would be a pity to lose the nomination-day, and +the show of hands; I should travel all night to be in time, but you +could not, I suppose?" + +"I? why you don't think I should go to it?" + +"Lionel will--I am to take care of Lionel. Can't you go? What a bore it +must be to be a woman! Well, then, why don't you come to the wedding?" + +"Because I think Clara will get into such a fuss, if there is no one to +help her at the dinner the evening before. There is Mrs. Pringle coming +to dine and sleep, so it can't be only a gentleman's party: and there is +so much to do." + +"Whew! it will be very stupid of you not to come; and how Agnes will +scold! But I suppose yen can't be everywhere. One would give up +something for the sake of beating such a rogue as that Faulkner." + +"If we were but sure of doing it." + +"Sure! Why we shall smash him to shivers, if one fortieth part of the +people are but as good as their word. Did I tell you, Marian, how I +answered that old farmer to-day?" &c., &c., all which Marian had to +hear, before she could get him back to the matter in hand. + +"I am almost sorry to give up those three days," he said, "though it is +for their wedding; but you see, Marian," and the boy spoke with his air +of consequence, "I think it is expected of me, and they would all be +disappointed. It would not look as if it was well between Edmund and mo, +if I was not present; but you can please yourself, you know." + +"Yes, yes, you could not stay away," said Marian; "I should be very +sorry that you should. You must go." + +"And if I come away that afternoon, I may be back by the mail train by +one at night, and be in time for the show of hands. Hurrah! I've a'mind +to write to Jemmy, to buy up all the rotten eggs in Fern Torr." + +"You wild animal! But do be sensible a little while, Gerald, for I have +something serious to ask your advice upon." + +"Well,"--and all the wisdom of sixteen was at her service. + +"I want to know what you think about my living here, or at Fern Torr?" + +"Hollo! why I thought it was settled long ago that you were to live at +the Quarry with them." + +"So it was; but I don't know whether I am not more wanted here than +there." + +"You don't mean that that have changed their mind, and don't want to +have you?" + +"Not a bit--O dear, no! but I think, somehow, Clara and Lionel find me +of more use than they would." + +"To be sure, this place would be in a pretty tolerable sort of a mess +without you. I don't know how any of them would get on." + +"Well, then, I wanted your opinion, Gerald; I had better tell Edmund and +Agnes that I ought to stay on here." + +"But what am I to do? I mean to be at Fern Torr in the holidays, I +assure you, except a week or two, just to see Lionel; and I don't mean +to have my holidays without you, I declare!" + +"O, I hope always to come home for them." + +"Why, then, if I have you when I am at home, I don't care,--I mean--" +said Gerald, conscious of the egotism he was committing, "I mean you +don't like it half so well, do you?" + +"O no--I mean--I don't know--" + +"Which do you mean?" + +"I don't know--at least, of course, I had rather be with Edmund and +Agnes than anybody else, except you; but then, if I was thinking Lionel +had no one to read to him, or to ride with, or that Mrs. Lyddell was +worse, and Clara unhappy, I could hardly enjoy it." + +"You would not think so much about it if you were away from them." + +"Perhaps not, but it would be the same, and it would haunt me at night." + +"But, Marian, you can't give up Edmund and Agnes now they have built a +room for you." + +"I must have it when I come for your holidays." + +"Well, you must do as you please," said Gerald. + +"And you won't be vexed?" + +"Vexed! Why should I? It is nothing to me, if I have you when I am at +home; and, indeed, I don't see what poor Lionel would do without you. I +suppose it is the best way, since you like it; only you must settle it +with Agnes your own way. I shall tell her it is not my fault. Won't she +be in a rage, that's all!" + +With which sentence Sir Gerald's acquiescence was conveyed, with little +perception of the struggle in his sister's mind, and of the pain and +grief it was to her to write to her cousin and friend, begging them to +release her from her promise. + +As to the rest of the house, they never appeared to think at all about +her quitting them; or if Clara and Lionel did, perchance, remember that +it had been spoken of, they hoped it had blown over, and dreaded the +revival of the idea too much to refer to it. Not one of the whole family +guessed that to them was sacrificed the most treasured project of +Marian's life. + +She had made up her mind, but she could not bear to write to tell her +friend that her plans were frustrated; so it was to Edmund that she +wrote the full detail of her reasons and regrets, begging him to forgive +her, and to make her peace with Agnes; while she begged Mrs. Wortley to +excuse her for missing the wedding. + +Edmund's answer was just what she wished, and indeed expected. "You are +right," he said, "and it is of no use to tell you how sorry we are. It +is impossible to be so selfish as to wish you to act otherwise, and in +process of time you may perhaps obtain Agnes' pardon: in the mean time +we never walk to the Quarry, without her abusing you for giving so much +trouble for nothing. I would only advise one thing, namely, that you +make no promise nor engagement respecting your place of residence, since +circumstances may alter; and you had better not feel yourself bound. +With this proviso we resign you to your own judgment, and to the place +where you seem indeed at present to be most wanted." + +So wrote Edmund: Agnes did not write at all. Marian announced that she +had given up going to the wedding. Clara was sorry she should miss it, +but could not guess how she should have managed without her; and no +one else had leisure to think at all, or else considered it quite as a +matter of course that site should not go away when she was wanted. + +If any one had, seven years, or even one year ago, told Marian how she +would spend that bridal day, her incredulity would have been complete. +So absorbed was she in Mr. Lyddell's election affairs that she hardly +had time to think about it, between hopes and alarms, doubts and +intelligence, visitors and preparations, notes to be written and papers +to be found, Clara to be helped, Mrs. Lyddell to be kept quiet, Lionel's +news to hear, the dinner party to be entertained. Very differently had +Marian now learnt to sit in company from former days. She had a motive +now, in the wish to help Clara, and all her distant coldness had melted +into a quiet, kind, obliging manner, which had taught her to take +genuine interest even in common-place people, and caused it to be said +that Miss Arundel had ceased to be shy and haughty. It was all one +whirl, leaving no time for sitting down, and still less for musing. +Lionel went indeed with his father to the committee-room, and was there +half the day; for his services were wonderful, and particularly his +memory for names and places, to which Mr. Lyddell declared he would +rather trust than to any memorandum. He was thus out of Marian's way all +the morning, but there was enough to occupy her without him, and in the +afternoon he came home, full of news, and especially full of glory, in +a conquest of his own, a doubtful voter, whom he had recollected, and +undertaken to secure, had made the servant drive him round that way, +canvassed on his own account, and obtained a promise, extracted as +Marian suspected, by admiration of the blind young gentleman's high +spirit and independence. + +Mr. Lyddell was particularly delighted; when became home very late, just +before the eight o'clock dinner, he came up into his wife's room, and +told her the whole story, told Marian all over again on the stairs, and +told it a third time to some of the dinner guests, before Lionel came +down. Marian saw he valued that vote above all the rest. + +Busy as the day had been, Marian was resolved to sit up till her +brother's return at two o'clock in the morning, to hear his tidings, and +she expected to enjoy the space for thinking; but the thoughts would +not be settled, and instead of dwelling on Edmund and Agnes, she found +herself continually going back to the voters' list, and counting up the +forces on each side. Then she grew sleepy, and fell into a long musing +dream of shapeless fancies, woke herself, tried to write to Agnes, and +went off into her former vision of felicity in the house at the Quarry, +which she indulged in, forgetting that she had renounced it. At last +came the sounds of a carriage, and of opening doors. She met Gerald on +the stairs, but he was sleepy and would say little. "It had all gone off +very well--yes--nobody cried--he had a bit of wedding-cake for her, and +here was a note, she should hear all about it another time;"--yawn, and +he shut himself into his own room. That was all Marian obtained by her +vigil. You, there was the note, put in with the wedding cards. + + "MY DEAR MARIAN,--I can't relieve my mind by scolding + you, and I don't know what else you have a right to + expect after the way you have treated us. They tell me I + must write, and I have not a word to say, though I always + promised you should have the first letter from + + "Your affectionate cousin, + + "AGNES ARUNDEL." + +Wild as ever, thought Marian, as a little disappointed, she laid down +the note, but she understood how Agnes had felt obliged to write, in +hurry and agitation, and just because she felt deeply, had been unable +to express herself otherwise than what some people would call foolishly +and unsuitably. + +There was not much more of the wedding to be heard from Gerald the next +morning, for he was full of the nomination, and proud of having Lionel +under his especial charge. + +This day was as wild a bustle as the former one, and there was still +more excitement in the evening. Of course the show of hands had been in +favour of Mr. Faulkner, of course he and his proposer and seconder had +behaved one only more disgracefully than the other, of course the rabble +bad behaved shamefully, and the boys were almost beside themselves with +wrath; and besides the details of all these matters-of-course, the boys +had adventures of their own, for somehow Gerald and Lionel had been left +in the midst of a vituperative mob, out of which Gerald had brought off +his companion in a most spirited and successful way, without letting +any one discover Lionel's blindness, which would have been the most +efficient protection for both. Again and again Marian was told of the +gallant way in which both boys had conducted themselves, and proud and +pleased was she. + +Mr. Lyddell lost his seat, and the boys were half mad, a hundred times +more concerned than he was himself, while Marian moralized to herself +on why it was allowed to happen that he should be set aside from public +life, just when he would have begun to act on truly sound principles. +And yet perhaps the leisure he thus obtained, and the seclusion from the +whirl of politics were the very things he needed, to draw him entirely +apart from the world which had so long engrossed him. + +It was about sis weeks after this that Mr. and Mrs. Edmund Arundel, in +acceptance of a warm invitation from Mr. Lyddell, were driving along +the white road leading to Oakworthy, after a very pleasant visit to the +Marchmonts, when Selina had treated Agnes so affectionately, as to cause +her to forget all past neglect, and had, as Edmund said, scaled their +friendship, by raving at Marian's decision, "It was too bad," said she, +"when they had given up London,--the only thing that made it tolerable." + +To which, however, Agnes did not quite agree. + +"And now," said she, "I shall see whether Marian is happy." + +"I don't believe you wish her to be so," said Edmund. + +"No, I am not quite so spiteful," rejoined Agnes, "but in order to +forgive her, I must think it a very great sacrifice." + +"And have a marvellously high estimate of our two selves," said Edmund. + +"What do I see?" said Agnes. "Look at those two people riding on the +down up there against the sky, don't you see their figures? It is a +lady. Gould it be Marian? No, she is riding so close to the other--he +can't be a servant." + +"Lionel, I suspect," said Edmund. + +"The poor blind boy! O surely she does not ride alone with him! O what a +pretty cantering on the turf. It is really Marian, I see now. How I do +like to see her ride." + +A moment or two more, and descending from the high green slope, the two +riders were on the road meeting the carriage. Marian looked her best +on horseback, with her excellent seat, and easy, fearless manner, her +little hat and feathers became her fine features, and the air and +exercise gave them animation, which made her more like a picture of +Velasquez and less like a Grecian statue than she was at any other time. +Lionel rode almost close to her, a bright glow of sunshine on his lively +face, and a dexterity and quickness in his whole air that made Agnes +hesitate for a second or two, whether he could really be the blind +youth. A joyous "How d'ye do?" was called out on each side. "Well, +Lionel," then said Edmund, "are you quite well?" + +"O yes, thank you," replied a gay voice, "we thought we would see if we +could not meet you." + +"We rode over the down," said Marian, "and we are going back the same +way. We shall be at home as soon as you are. Good-bye. To the right, +Lionel." + +And they were seen trotting up the hill again, then as the carriage came +in sight of the front door, there was Lionel jumping Marian down from +her saddle. Agnes did not know how to believe that he could not see, as +she watched his upright bearing, and rapid, fearless step, so unlike the +groping ways of persons who have lost their sight later in life. + +Clara presently came down, and Agnes was struck with her more thoughtful +face, and collected manner, so unlike the giddy child she had last seen, +not intellectual indeed, but quiet, lady-like, and sensible. And as to +Mr. Lyddell, he looked so worn and so much older, so subdued in manner, +and so free from those over civilities of former times, that Agnes made +up her mind that he must not be hated. + +Of Mrs. Lyddell she saw very little, only sitting in her room for an +hour each morning, as a visitor, but it was evident she was very much +out of health, and a great charge to them all. Agnes could be sorry for +her, but could not like her while she did not speak more cordially of +Marian. All praise of her had something forced and against the grain, +and Agnes thought her intensely ungrateful. + +Lionel interested Agnes extremely, with his happy, independent ways, +unrepining temper and spirit of enterprise. He was always eager about +some contrivance of his own, and just at this time it was wood-carving. +His left hand showed as much sticking-plaster as skin, and he used to +come into the drawing-room with it wrapped up in his handkerchief and +say, "Here's another, Marian," when Marian very quietly produced her +sticking-plaster, as if it was quite an ordinary matter; nay, would +not follow up the suggestion that he should not have so sharp a knife, +saying that it was much better to cut one's finger with a sharp knife +than a blunt one. He had cut about twenty bits of wood to waste, to say +nothing of hands, but he persevered with amusing energy, and before the +end of the visit had achieved a capital old man's head for the top of a +walking stick, which he presented to Edmund. He promised Agnes a set of +silk winders, and in the mean time made great friends with her, getting +her to tell him about her brother's sporting adventures, and in return +making himself very amusing with relations out of his sailor brother's +letters. Johnny had been concerned in the great exploit of climbing the +Peter Bottle mountain, and Lionel was as proud of it as if he had done +it himself, making Marian show everybody a drawing which Gerald had made +of the appearance that Johnny must have cut, standing on one leg on the +highest stone. They were also struck with the change in the manner in +which Walter was regarded, and the pride and affection with which all +the family spoke of his doings at his curacy. + +But that Marian, though not prominent, and apparently merely a guest, +was necessary to the comfort of each member of the family, was a thing +that at the end of a fortnight, Agnes could not deny. Nor could she +attempt to make up a case to show that she and her husband were equally +in want of her. + +"So, Marian," said she, as they parted, "I forgive you on condition of +your spending Christmas with us." + +"And I ought to forgive you," said Edmund, "in consideration of the +fulfilment of my prediction that you would not be able to leave the +Lyddells when I was ready to receive you." + +Marian smiled, and watched them from the door. As they lost sight of +the house, Edmund turned to his wife, saying, "How little we are fit to +order events! Here, Agnes, I looked back at this house six years ago +in a sort of despair. I was ready to reproach Providence, to reproach +everything. I thought I saw my uncle's children in the way to be ruined, +all his work undone, and there was I, unable to act, and yet with the +responsibility of the care of them. I tell you, Agnes, I never was so +wretched in my life. And yet what short-sightedness! There has Marian +been, placed, like a witness of the truth, calm, firm, constant, +guarding herself and her brother first, and then softening, and winning +all that came under her influence." + +"Oh! but, Edmund, your coming home saved Gerald," said the wife, who +could not see her husband's credit given away even to Marian. + +"I brought the experience and authority that she could not have, but +vain would have been my attempts without the sense of right she had +always kept up in his mind. Trouble has done much for those Lyddells, +but I don't believe that without her, it would have had that effect: +When I remember what Mr. Lyddell was, his carelessness, the painful +manner in which he used to talk; when I see him now, when I think of +what that poor Caroline was saved from, when I see the alteration in +Clara, and watch that blind boy, then I see indeed that our little +Marian, whom we thought thrown away and spoilt, was sent there to be +a blessing. If she had been naturally a winning, gentle, persuasive +person, I should have thought less of the wonder; but in her it is +the simple force of goodness, undecorated. I once feared the constant +opposition in which she lived, would harden her, but instead, she has +softened, sweetened, and lost all that was hard and haughty in her ways, +when it was no longer needed for a protection. Selina Marchmont has +failed too in giving her the exclusive spirit which I once feared +for her. It is as if she had a spell for passing through the world +unscathed." + +"And you think she is happy?" + +"As happy as those that never look for their happiness in this world." + +Agnes sighed. "My vision has always been," said she, "to see Marian as +happy as--ourselves." + +"She may be yet," said Edmund smiling, "but she has the best sort of +happiness. She is in less danger of clinging to this world than we are. +And somehow she gives me the impression of one too high and noble to +seek her happiness in the way in which most people look for it. Yes, +we ourselves, Agnes, we have a nest and home in this world; she stands +above it, and her only relation with it is to make others happy." + +"She little thinks how we talk of her," said Agnes. "And still stranger +it is, that with the reverence I have for her, I can play with her and +scold her." + +A silence; ending with Agnes repeating, + + "GOOD LORD, through this world's troubled way + Thy children's course secure; + And lead them onward day by day, + Kindly like Thee and pure. + + "Be theirs to do Thy work of love, + All erring souls to win; + Amid a sinful world to move, + Yet give no smile to sin." + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE TWO GUARDIANS *** + +This file should be named 82grd10.txt or 82grd10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 82grd11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 82grd10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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