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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Clockmaker, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+#6 in our series by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
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+Title: The Clockmaker
+
+Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
+Release Date: October, 2005 [EBook #9196]
+[This file was first posted on September 14, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CLOCKMAKER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Andrew Sly
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+The Clockmaker
+
+or
+
+The Sayings and Doings of Samuel Slick, of Slickville,
+
+by Thomas Chandler Haliburton.
+
+
+
+ADVERTISEMENT
+
+From the 1871 edition.
+
+
+The name "Sam Slick" has passed into popular use as standing for a
+somewhat conventional Yankee, in whom sharpness and verdancy are
+combined in curious proportions; but the book which gave rise to
+the name has long been out of print. It is now revived, under the
+impression that the reading public will have an interest in seeing
+a work which, more probably than any other one book, served to fix
+the prevailing idea of the Yankee character. However true or false
+the impression it created, the qualities which rendered it popular
+a generation ago remain, in a shrewdness of observation, a fund of
+anecdote and racy adventure, a quaintness of expression, and keen
+mother wit. In no other work of literature is there preserved so
+large a collection of idiomatic phrases, words, and similes,--whole
+stories in themselves and pictures of society at the time, which grow
+more interesting, the more historic they become.
+
+The keen peddler comes sharply forward from a background of
+Provincial shiftlessness and dullness, and it is a mark of the
+geniality of the book that, although it seems to have had its origin
+in a desire on the part of its author to goad the Provinces into
+energy and alertness, the local questions and politics discussed give
+a flavour to the narrative without limiting the reader's interest.
+One does not need to be deeply concerned in Nova Scotia prosperity,
+nor versed in the turnings of petty politics, to take a lively
+pleasure in the sharp thrusts which the author, under shield of the
+Clockmaker's wit, gives at stupidity and narrowness. The two sides
+of the question involved are as little a matter of concern to the
+general reader as the opposing factions of York and Lancaster.
+
+No doubt the marked contrast between the neighbouring people of
+Nova Scotia and New England was quickly discerned by so good an
+observer as the author proved himself to be, while his national and
+partisan judgments made his characterization of the Yankee to be a
+double-edged sword, that cut with equal keenness the Colonist and the
+Democrat. While he has no liking for the United States politically,
+he is very glad to make their enterprise and industry put to shame
+the slow wits of his countrymen; and the quiet satire of United
+States institutions and character which he displays by letting Slick
+run to the end of his rope is curiously mingled with the contempt
+which he lets the same character express for Nova Scotians, and in
+which it is plain he himself joins.
+
+Thomas Chandler Haliburton was born at Windsor, Nova Scotia, in 1796,
+was educated at King's College, and admitted to the bar in 1820. He
+entered political life shortly after, and was elected member of the
+House of Assembly. In 1829 he was appointed Chief Justice of the
+Court of Common Pleas, and in 1840 was made Judge of the Supreme
+Court. He resigned in 1842, and went to England to reside, where,
+in 1859, he was elected member of Parliament for the Borough of
+Launceston, and at the dissolution of Parliament in 1865 he declined
+reelection on the score of infirm health. He died at Isleworth in
+July of the same year. His party politics were of the old Tory
+school, and he held rigidly by them, sharing the common experience of
+colonial partisans, who, on returning to the mother country, are very
+apt to set a higher value on their party principles than those who
+have always remained at home.
+
+The first appearance of his "Clockmaker" was in the form of a
+series of letters to the "Nova Scotian" newspaper, in 1835. The
+contributions were collected into the present volume in 1837, and
+were eagerly read, both in America and in England, the wit of the
+book making it equally enjoyable on both sides of the water, while
+its pointed reflections raised a good deal of angry discussion also.
+Perhaps the most vehement attack which his writings received from the
+side of purely literary criticism was a review by C. C. Felton in the
+"North American Review," in which the critic spoke in tones of great
+disgust at the entire conception and execution of the character of
+Sam Slick. Quite possibly some of Professor Felton's severity drew
+its strength from a personal regard for Mr. Everett, who figures
+rather poorly in Judge Haliburton's pages. There was so little,
+however, of discriminating criticism at that time by American
+writers, that it is not easy to determine just how the book was
+measured by our countrymen. Probably it was hardly looked upon as
+literature by the scholar, and the ordinary reader did not mar his
+pleasure in the fun by looking at it too critically.
+
+The vein was worked by the author with less success in "The Attache,
+or Sam Slick in England," where the violent improbability of the
+plan, involving an offensive contrast between the English and
+American characters, leaves the really clever parts of the book
+less attractive. In addition to these Judge Haliburton published
+several volumes bearing upon colonial manners and history: "Bubbles
+of Canada;" "The Old Judge, or Life in a Colony;" "Historical and
+Statistical account of Nova Scotia;" "Rule and Misrule of the English
+in America;" "Letters to Lord Durham." His more strictly humourous
+writings include "Nature and Human Nature;" "Wise Saws;" "The Letter
+Bag of the Great Western."
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+          Slick's Letter
+       I. The Trotting Horse
+      II. The Clockmaker
+     III. The Silent Girls
+      IV. Conversations at the River Philip
+       V. Justice Pettifog
+      VI. Anecdotes
+     VII. Go Ahead
+    VIII. The Preacher that Wandered from His Text
+      XI. Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding
+       X. The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart
+      XI. Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings
+     XII. The American Eagle
+    XIII. The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax
+     XIV. Sayings and Doings in Cumberland
+      XV. The Dancing Master Abroad
+     XVI. Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British
+    XVII. A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade
+   XVIII. The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot
+     XIX. The Clockmaker Quilts a Bluenose
+      XX. Sister Sall's Courtship
+     XXI. Setting up for Governor
+    XXII. A Cure for Conceit
+   XXIII. The Blowin' Time
+    XXIV. Father John O'Shaughnessy
+     XXV. Taming a Shrew
+    XXVI. The Minister's Horn Mug
+   XXVII. The White Nigger
+  XXVIII. Fire in the Dairy
+    XXIX. A Body Without a Head
+     XXX. A Tale of Bunker's Hill
+    XXXI. Gulling a Bluenose
+   XXXII. Too many Irons in the Fire
+  XXXIII. Windsor and the Far West
+
+
+
+
+SLICK'S LETTER.
+
+[After these sketches had gone through the press, and were ready for
+the binder, we sent Mr. Slick a copy; and shortly afterwards received
+from him the following letter, which characteristic communication we
+give entire--EDITOR.]
+
+To MR. HOWE,
+
+Sir--I received your letter, and note its contents; I ain't over half
+pleased, I tell you; I think I have been used scandalous, that's a
+fact. It warn't the part of a gentleman for to go and pump me arter
+that fashion and then go right off and blart it out in print. It was
+a nasty dirty mean action, and I don't thank you nor the Squire a
+bit for it. It will be more nor a thousand dollars out of my pocket.
+There's an eend to the clock trade now, and a pretty kettle of fish
+I've made of it, havn't I? I shall never hear the last on it, and
+what am I to say when I go back to the States? I'll take my oath
+I never said one half the stuff he has set down there; and as for
+that long lochrum about Mr. Everett, and the Hon. Alden Gobble, and
+Minister, there ain't a word of truth in it from beginnin' to eend.
+If ever I come near hand to him agin, I'll larn him--but never mind,
+I say nothin'. Now there's one thing I don't cleverly understand. If
+this here book is my "Sayin's and Doin's," how comes it your'n or the
+Squire's either? If my thoughts and notions are my own, how can they
+be any other folks's? According to my idee you have no more right to
+take them, than you have to take my clocks without payin' for 'em. A
+man that would be guilty of such an action is no gentleman, that's
+flat, and if you don't like it, you may lump it--for I don't vally
+him, nor you neither, nor are a Bluenose that ever stepped in shoe
+leather the matter of a pin's head. I don't know as ever I felt so
+ugly afore since I was raised; why didn't he put his name to it, as
+well as mine? When an article hain't the maker's name and factory on
+it, it shows it's a cheat, and he's ashamed to own it. If I'm to have
+the name I'll have the game, or I'll know the cause why, that's a
+fact. Now folks say you are a considerable of a candid man, and right
+up and down in your dealins, and do things above board, handsum--at
+least so I've hearn tell. That's what I like; I love to deal with
+such folks. Now spose you make me an offer? You'll find me not very
+difficult to trade with, and I don't know but I might put off more
+than half of the books myself, tu. I'll tell you how I'd work it.
+I'd say, "Here's a book they've namesaked arter me, Sam Slick the
+Clockmaker, but it ain't mine, and I can't altogether jist say
+rightly whose it is. Some say it's the General's, and some say it's
+the Bishop's, and some say it's Howe himself; but I ain't availed who
+it is. It's a wise child that knows its own father. It wipes up the
+Bluenoses considerable hard, and don't let off the Yankees so very
+easy neither, but it's generally allowed to be about the prettiest
+book ever writ in this country; and although it ain't altogether
+jist gospel what's in it, there's some pretty home truths in it,
+that's a fact. Whoever wrote it must be a funny feller, too, that's
+sartin; for there are some queer stories in it that no soul could
+help larfin' at, that's a fact. It's about the wittiest book I ever
+seed. It's nearly all sold off, but jist a few copies I've kept for
+my old customers. The price is just 5s. 6d. but I'll let you have it
+for 5s. because you'll not get another chance to have one." Always
+ax a sixpence more than the price, and then bate it, and when Bluenose
+hears that, he thinks he's got a bargain, and bites directly. I never
+see one on 'em yet that didn't fall right into the trap.
+
+Yes, make me an offer, and you and I will trade, I think. But fair
+play's a jewel, and I must say I feel riled and kinder sore. I hain't
+been used handsum atween you two, and it don't seem to me that I had
+ought to be made a fool on in that book, arter that fashion, for
+folks to laugh at, and then be sheered out of the spec. If I am,
+somebody had better look out for squalls, I tell you. I'm as easy
+as an old glove, but a glove ain't an old shoe to be trod on, and
+I think a certain person will find that out afore he is six months
+older, or else I'm mistakened, that's all. Hopin' to hear from you
+soon, I remain yours to command,
+
+SAMUEL SLICK.
+
+Pugnose's Inn, River Philip, Dec. 25, 1836.
+
+P.S. I see in the last page it is writ, that the Squire is to take
+another journey round the Shore, and back to Halifax with me next
+Spring. Well, I did agree with him, to drive him round the coast, but
+don't you mind--we'll understand each other, I guess, afore we start.
+I consait he'll rise considerable airly in the mornin', afore he
+catches me asleep agin. I'll be wide awake for him next hitch, that's
+a fact. I'd a gin a thousand dollars if he had only used Campbell's
+name instead of mine; for he was a most an almighty villain, and
+cheated a proper raft of folks, and then shipped himself off to
+Botany Bay, for fear folks would transport him there; you couldn't
+rub out Slick, and put in Campbell, could you? that's a good feller;
+if you would I'd make it worth your while, you may depend.
+
+
+
+
+THE CLOCKMAKER
+
+
+
+No. I
+
+The Trotting Horse.
+
+
+I was always well mounted; I am fond of a horse, and always piqued
+myself on having the fastest trotter in the Province. I have made no
+great progress in the world; I feel doubly, therefore, the pleasure
+of not being surpassed on the road. I never feel so well or so
+cheerful as on horseback, for there is something exhilirating in
+quick motion; and, old as I am, I feel a pleasure in making any
+person whom I meet on the way put his horse to the full gallop, to
+keep pace with my trotter. Poor Ethiope! you recollect him, how he
+was wont to lay back his ears on his arched neck, and push away from
+all competition. He is done, poor fellow! the spavin spoiled his
+speed, and he now roams at large upon "my farm at Truro." Mohawk
+never failed me till this summer.
+
+I pride myself--you may laugh at such childish weakness in a man
+of my age--but still, I pride myself in taking the concert out of
+coxcombs I meet on the road, and on the ease with which I can leave
+a fool behind, whose nonsense disturbs my solitary musings.
+
+On my last journey to Fort Lawrence, as the beautiful view of
+Colchester had just opened upon me, and as I was contemplating its
+richness and exquisite scenery, a tall, thin man, with hollow cheeks
+and bright, twinkling black eyes, on a good bay horse, somewhat out
+of condition, overtook me; and drawing up, said, "I guess you started
+early this morning, sir?"
+
+"I did, sir," I replied.
+
+"You did not come from Halifax, I presume, sir, did you?" in a
+dialect too rich to be mistaken as genuine Yankee. "And which way
+may you be travelling?" asked my inquisitive companion.
+
+"To Fort Lawrence."
+
+"Ah!" said he, "so am I; it is in my circuit."
+
+The word CIRCUIT sounded so professional, I looked again at him, to
+ascertain whether I had ever seen him before, or whether I had met
+with one of those nameless, but innumerable limbs of the law, who
+now flourish in every district of the Province. There was a keenness
+about his eye, and an acuteness of expression, much in favour of the
+law; but the dress, and general bearing of the man, made against the
+supposition. His was not the coat of a man who can afford to wear
+an old coat, nor was it one of "Tempest and Moore's," that distinguish
+country lawyers from country boobies. His clothes were well made,
+and of good materials, but looked as if their owner had shrunk a
+little since they were made for him; they hung somewhat loose on
+him. A large brooch, and some superfluous seals and gold keys, which
+ornamented his outward man, looked "New England" like. A visit to
+the States, had perhaps, I thought, turned this Colchester beau
+into a Yankee fop. Of what consequence was it to me who he was? In
+either case I had nothing to do with him, and I desired neither his
+acquaintance nor his company. Still I could not but ask myself, Who
+can this man be?
+
+"I am not aware," said I, "that there is a court sitting at this time
+at Cumberland."
+
+"Nor am I," said my friend. What, then, could he have to do with the
+circuit? It occurred to me he must be a Methodist preacher. I looked
+again, but his appearance again puzzled me. His attire might do--the
+colour might be suitable--the broad brim not out of place; but there
+was a want of that staidness of look, that seriousness of
+countenance, that expression, in short, so characteristic of the
+clergy.
+
+I could not account for my idle curiosity--a curiosity which, in him,
+I had the moment before viewed both with suspicion and disgust; but
+so it was--I felt a desire to know who he could be who was neither
+lawyer nor preacher, and yet talked of his circuit with the gravity
+of both. How ridiculous, I thought to myself is this; I will leave
+him. Turning towards him, I said, I feared I should be late for
+breakfast, and must therefore bid him good morning. Mohawk felt
+the pressure of my knees, and away we went at a slapping pace. I
+congratulated myself on conquering my own curiosity, and on avoiding
+that of my travelling companion. This, I said to myself, this is
+the value of a good horse; I patted his neck; I felt proud of him.
+Presently I heard the steps of the unknown's horse--the clatter
+increased. Ah, my friend, thought I, it won't do; you should be well
+mounted if you desire my company; I pushed Mohawk faster, faster,
+faster--to his best. He outdid himself; he had never trotted so
+handsomely, so easily, so well.
+
+"I guess that is a pretty considerable smart horse," said the
+stranger, as he came beside me, and apparently reined in, to prevent
+his horse passing me; "there is not, I reckon, so spry a one on my
+circuit."
+
+Circuit or no circuit, one thing was settled in my mind; he was a
+Yankee, and a very impertinent Yankee too. I felt humbled, my pride
+was hurt, and Mohawk was beaten. To continue this trotting contest
+was humiliating; I yielded, therefore, before the victory was
+palpable, and pulled up.
+
+"Yes," continued he, "a horse of pretty considerable good action,
+and a pretty fair trotter, too, I guess." Pride must have a fall--I
+confess mine was prostrate in the dust. These words cut me to
+the heart. What! is it come to this, poor Mohawk, that you, the
+admiration of all but the envious, the great Mohawk, the oracle
+horse, the standard by which all other horses are measured--trots
+next to Mohawk, only yields to Mohawk, looks like Mohawk--that you
+are, after all, only a counterfeit, and pronounced by a straggling
+Yankee to be merely "a pretty fair trotter!"
+
+"If he was trained, I guess he might be made to do a little more.
+Excuse me, but if you divide your weight between the knee and the
+stirrup, rather most on the knee, and rise forward on the saddle, so
+as to leave a little daylight between you and it, I hope I may never
+ride this circuit again, if you don't get a mile more an hour out
+of him."
+
+What! not enough, I mentally groaned, to have my horse beaten, but
+I must be told that I don't know how to ride him; and that, too, by
+a Yankee! Aye, there's the rub--a Yankee what? Perhaps a half-bred
+puppy, half Yankee, half Bluenose. As there is no escape, I'll try
+to make out my riding master. "Your circuit?" said I, my looks
+expressing all the surprise they were capable of--"your circuit,
+pray what may that be?"
+
+"Oh," said he, "the eastern circuit--I am on the eastern circuit,
+sir."
+
+"I have heard," said I, feeling that I now had a lawyer to deal with,
+"that there is a great deal of business on this circuit. Pray, are
+there many cases of importance?"
+
+"There is a pretty fair business to be done, at least there has been,
+but the cases are of no great value--we do not make much out of them,
+we get them up very easy, but they don't bring much profit." What a
+beast, thought I, is this! and what a curse to a country, to have
+such an unfeeling pettifogging rascal practising in it--a horse
+jockey, too--what a finished character! I'll try him on that branch
+of his business.
+
+"That is a superior animal you are mounted on," said I; "I seldom
+meet one that can travel with mine."
+
+"Yes," said he coolly, "a considerable fair traveller, and most
+particular good bottom." I hesitated; this man who talks with such
+unblushing effrontery of getting up cases, and making profit out of
+them, cannot be offended at the question--yes, I will put it to him.
+
+"Do you feel an inclination to part with him?"
+
+"I never part with a horse sir, that suits me," said he. "I am fond
+of a horse: I don't like to ride in the dust after every one I meet,
+and I allow no man to pass me but when I choose." Is it possible, I
+thought, that he can know me--that he has heard of my foible, and is
+quizzing me, or have I this feeling in common with him?
+
+"But," continued I, "you might supply yourself again."
+
+"Not on this circuit, I guess," said he, "nor yet in Campbell's
+circuit."
+
+"Campbell's circuit--pray, sir, what is that?"
+
+"That," said he, "is the western--and Lampton rides the shore
+circuit; and as for the people on the shore, they know so little
+of horses that, Lampton tells me, a man from Aylesford once sold a
+hornless ox there, whose tail he had cut and nicked for a horse of
+the goliah breed."
+
+"I should think," said I, "that Mr. Lampton must have no lack of
+cases among such enlightened clients."
+
+"Clients, sir!" said my friend, "Mr. Lampton is not a lawyer."
+
+"I beg pardon, I thought you said he rode the circuit."
+
+"We call it a circuit," said the stranger, who seemed by no means
+flattered by the mistake; "we divide the Province, as in the
+Almanac, into circuits, in each of which we separately carry on
+our business of manufacturing and selling clocks. There are few, I
+guess," said the Clockmaker, "who go upon TICK as much as we do, who
+have so little use for lawyers; if attornies could wind a man up
+again, after he has been fairly run down, I guess they'd be a pretty
+harmless sort of folks."
+
+This explanation restored my good humour, and as I could not quit my
+companion, and he did not feel disposed to leave me, I made up my
+mind to travel with him to Fort Lawrence, the limit of his circuit.
+
+
+
+No. II
+
+The Clockmaker.
+
+
+I had heard of Yankee clock peddlers, tin peddlers, and bible
+peddlers, especially of him who sold Polyglot Bibles (all in english)
+to the amount of sixteen thousand pounds. The house of every
+substantial farmer had three substantial ornaments: a wooden clock, a
+tin reflector, and a Polyglot Bible. How is it that an American can
+sell his wares, at whatever price he pleases, where a Bluenose would
+fail to make a sale at all? I will enquire of the Clockmaker the
+secret of his success.
+
+"What a pity it is, Mr. Slick"--for such was his name--"what a pity
+it is," said I, "that you, who are so successful in teaching these
+people the value of clocks, could not also teach them the value of
+time."
+
+"I guess," said he, "they have got that ring to grow on their horns
+yet, which every four-year-old has in our country. We reckon hours
+and minutes to be dollars and cents. They do nothing in these parts
+but eat, drink, smoke, sleep, ride about, lounge at taverns, make
+speeches at temperance meetings, and talk about 'House of Assembly.'
+If a man don't hoe his corn, and he don't get a crop, he says it is
+all owing to the Bank; and if he runs into debt and is sued, why he
+says the lawyers are a curse to the country. They are a most idle set
+of folks, I tell you."
+
+"But how is it," said I, "that you manage to sell such an immense
+number of clocks (which certainly cannot be called necessary
+articles), among a people with whom there seems to be so great
+a scarcity of money?" Mr. Slick paused, as if considering the
+propriety of answering the question, and looking me in the face,
+said in a confidential tone--
+
+"Why, I don't care if I do tell you, for the market is glutted, and I
+shall quit this circuit. It is done by a knowledge of SOFT SAWDER and
+HUMAN NATUR'. But here is Deacon Flint's," said he; "I have but one
+clock left, and I guess I will sell it to him."
+
+At the gate of a most comfortable looking farm house stood Deacon
+Flint, a respectable old man, who had understood the value of time
+better than most of his neighbours, if one might judge from the
+appearance of everything about him. After the usual salutation, an
+invitation to "alight" was accepted by Mr. Slick, who said he wished
+to take leave of Mrs. Flint before he left Colchester.
+
+We had hardly entered the house, before the Clockmaker pointed to the
+view from the window, and, addressing himself to me, said, "if I was
+to tell them in Connecticut, there was such a farm as this away down
+east here in Nova Scotia, they wouldn't believe me--why there ain't
+such a location in all New England. The deacon has a hundred acres of
+dyke--"
+
+"Seventy, said the deacon, only seventy."
+
+"Well, seventy; but then there is your fine deep bottom, why I could
+run a ramrod into it--"
+
+"Interval, we call it," said the Deacon, who, though evidently
+pleased at this eulogium, seemed to wish the experiment of the ramrod
+to be tried in the right place.
+
+"Well, interval, if you please (though Professor Eleazer Cumstick,
+in his work on Ohio, calls them bottoms), is just as good as dyke.
+Then there is that water privilege, worth three or four thousand
+dollars, twice as good as what Governor Cass paid fifteen thousand
+dollars for. I wonder, Deacon, you don't put up a carding mill on
+it; the same works would carry a turning lathe, a shingle machine,
+a circular saw, grind bark, and--"
+
+"Too old," said the Deacon, "too old for all those speculations--"
+
+"Old," repeated the clockmaker, "not you; why you are worth half
+a dozen of the young men we see, nowadays; you are young enough to
+have--" Here he said something in a lower tone of voice, which I did
+not distinctly hear; but whatever it was, the Deacon was pleased, he
+smiled and said he did not think of such things now.
+
+"But your beasts, dear me, your beasts must be put in and have a
+feed;" saying which, he went out to order them to be taken to the
+stable.
+
+As the old gentleman closed the door after him, Mr. Slick drew near
+to me, and said in an undertone, "That is what I call 'SOFT SAWDER.'
+An Englishman would pass that man as a sheep passes a hog in a
+pasture, without looking at him; or," said he, looking rather archly,
+"if he was mounted on a pretty smart horse, I guess he'd trot away,
+if he could. Now I find--" Here his lecture on "SOFT SAWDER" was cut
+short by the entrance of Mrs. Flint.
+
+"Jist come to say good-bye, Mrs. Flint."
+
+"What, have you sold all your clocks?"
+
+"Yes, and very low too, for money is scarce, and I wished to close
+the consarn; no, I am wrong in saying all, for I have just one left.
+Neighbour Steel's wife asked to have the refusal of it, but I guess I
+won't sell it; I had but two of them, this one and the feller of it,
+that I sold Governor Lincoln. General Green, the Secretary of State
+for Maine, said he'd give me forty dollars for this here one--it has
+composition wheels and patent axles, it is a beautiful article, a
+real first chop, no mistake, genuine superfine--but I guess I'll take
+it back; and beside, Squire Hawk might think kinder hard, that I did
+not give him the offer."
+
+"Dear me," said Mrs. Flint, "I should like to see it, where is it?"
+
+"It is in a chest of mine over the way, at Tom Tape's store, I guess
+he can ship it on to Eastport."
+
+"That's a good man," said Mrs. Flint, "jist let's look at it."
+
+Mr. Slick, willing to oblige, yielded to these entreaties, and soon
+produced the clock--a gawdy, highly varnished, trumpery looking
+affair. He placed it on the chimney-piece, where its beauties were
+pointed out and duly appreciated by Mrs. Flint, whose admiration was
+about ending in a proposal when Mr. Flint returned from giving his
+directions about the care of the horses. The Deacon praised the
+clock, he too thought it a handsome one; but the Deacon was a prudent
+man, he had a watch, he was sorry, but he had no occasion for a
+clock.
+
+"I guess you're in the wrong furrow this time, Deacon, it ain't for
+sale," said Mr. Slick; "and if it was, I reckon neighbour Steel's
+wife would have it, for she gives me no peace about it." Mrs. Flint
+said that Mr. Steel had enough to do, poor man, to pay his
+interest, without buying clocks for his wife.
+
+"It's no consarn of mine," said Mr. Slick, "as long as he pays me,
+what he has to do; but I guess I don't want to sell it, and beside it
+comes too high; that clock can't be made at Rhode Island under forty
+dollars. Why it ain't possible," said the Clockmaker, in apparent
+surprise, looking at his watch, "why as I'm alive it is four o'clock,
+and if I havn't been two hours here--how on airth shall I reach River
+Philip tonight? I'll tell you what, Mrs. Flint, I'll leave the clock
+in your care till I return on my way to the States--I'll set it
+a-goin' and put it to the right time."
+
+As soon as this operation was performed, he delivered the key to the
+deacon with a sort of serio-comic injunction to wind up the clock
+every Saturday night, which Mrs. Flint said she would take care
+should be done, and promised to remind her husband of it, in case he
+should chance to forget it.
+
+"That," said the Clockmaker as soon as we were mounted, "that I call
+'HUMAN NATUR'!' Now that clock is sold for forty dollars--it cost me
+just six dollars and fifty cents. Mrs. Flint will never let Mrs.
+Steel have the refusal--nor will the deacon learn until I call for
+the clock, that having once indulged in the use of a superfluity, how
+difficult it is to give it up. We can do without any article of
+luxury we have never had, but when once obtained, it is not in 'HUMAN
+NATUR'' to surrender it voluntarily. Of fifteen thousand sold by
+myself and partners in this Province, twelve thousand were left in
+this manner, and only ten clocks were ever returned; when we called
+for them they invariably bought them. We trust to 'SOFT SAWDER' to
+get them into the house, and to 'HUMAN NATUR'' that they never come
+out of it."
+
+
+
+No. III
+
+The Silent Girls.
+
+
+"Do you see them 'ere swallows," said the Clockmaker, "how low they
+fly? Well I presume we shall have rain right away; and them noisy
+critters, them gulls how close they keep to the water, down there in
+the Shubenacadie; well that's a sure sign. If we study natur', we
+don't want no thermometer. But I guess we shall be in time to get
+under cover in a shingle-maker's shed about three miles ahead on us.
+We had just reached the deserted hovel when the rain fell in torrents.
+
+"I reckon," said the Clockmaker, as he sat himself down on a bundle
+of shingles, "I reckon they are bad off for inns in this country.
+When a feller is too lazy to work here, he paints his name over his
+door, and calls it a tavern, and as like as not he makes the whole
+neighbourhood as lazy as himself--it is about as easy to find a good
+inn in Halifax, as it is to find wool on a goat's back. An inn, to be
+a good consarn, must be built a purpose, you can no more make a good
+tavern out of a common dwelling house, I expect, than a good coat
+out of an old pair of trousers. They are etarnal lazy, you may
+depend--now there might be a grand spec made there, in building a
+good inn and a good church."
+
+"What a sacrilegious and unnatural union," said I, with most
+unaffected surprise.
+
+"Not at all," said Mr. Slick; "we build both on speculation in the
+States, and make a good deal of profit out of 'em too, I tell you. We
+look out a good sightly place, in a town like Halifax, that is pretty
+considerably well peopled, with folks that are good marks; and if
+there is no real right down good preacher among them, we build a
+handsome Church, touched off like a New York liner, a real taking
+looking thing--and then we look out for a preacher, a crack man, a
+regular ten horse power chap--well, we hire him, and we have to give
+pretty high wages too, say twelve hundred or sixteen hundred dollars
+a year. We take him at first on trial for a Sabbath or two, to try
+his paces, and if he takes with the folks, if he goes down well, we
+clinch the bargain, and let and sell the pews; and, I tell you it
+pays well and makes a real good investment. There were few better
+specs among us than inns and churches, until the railroads came on
+the carpet; as soon as the novelty of the new preacher wears off, we
+hire another, and that keeps up the steam."
+
+"I trust it will be long, very long, my friend," said I, "ere the
+rage for speculation introduces 'the money-changers into the temple,'
+with us."
+
+Mr. Slick looked at me with a most ineffable expression of pity and
+surprise. "Depend on it, sir," said he, with a most philosophical
+air, "this Province is much behind the intelligence of the age. But
+if it is behind us in that respect, it is a long chalk ahead on us in
+others. I never seed or heerd tell of a country that had so many
+natural privileges as this. Why, there are twice as many harbours and
+water-powers here, as we have all the way from Eastport to New
+OrLEENS. They have all they can ax, and more than they desarve. They
+have iron, coal, slate, grindstone, lime, firestone, gypsum,
+free-stone, and a list as long as an auctioneer's catalogue. But they
+are either asleep, or stone blind to them. Their shores are crowded
+with fish, and their lands covered with wood. A government that lays
+as light on 'em as a down counterp'in, and no taxes. Then look at
+their dykes. The Lord seems to have made 'em on purpose for such lazy
+folks. If you were to tell the citizens of our country that these
+dykes had been cropped for a hundred years without manure, they'd
+say, they guessed you had seen Col. Crockett, the greatest hand at a
+flam in our nation. You have heerd tell of a man who couldn't see
+London for the houses? I tell you, if we had this country, you
+couldn't see the harbours for the shipping. There'd be a rush of
+folks to it, as there is in one of our inns, to the dinner table,
+when they sometimes get jammed together in the door-way, and a man
+has to take a running leap over their heads, afore he can get in. A
+little nigger boy in New York found a diamond worth two thousand
+dollars; well, he sold it to a watchmaker for fifty cents--the little
+critter didn't know no better. Your people are just like the nigger
+boy--they don't know the value of their diamond.
+
+"Do you know the reason monkeys are no good? because they chatter all
+day long; so do the niggers, and so do the Bluenoses of Nova Scotia;
+it's all talk and no work. Now, with us it's all work and no talk; in
+our ship yards, our factories, our mills, and even in our vessels,
+there's no talk; a man can't work and talk too. I guess if you were
+at the factories at Lowell we'd show you a wonder--five hundred gals
+at work together, all in silence. I don't think our great country
+has such a real natural curiosity as that--I expect the world don't
+contain the beat of that; for a woman's tongue goes so slick of
+itself, without water power or steam, and moves so easy on its
+hinges, that it's no easy matter to put a spring stop on it, I tell
+you--it comes as natural as drinkin' mint julip.
+
+"I don't pretend to say the gals don't nullify the rule, sometimes at
+intermission and arter hours, but when they do, if they don't let go,
+then it's a pity. You have heerd a school come out, of little boys?
+Lord, it's no touch to it. Or a flock of geese at it? They are no more
+a match for 'em than a pony is for a coach-horse. But when they are
+at work, all's as still as sleep and no snoring. I guess we have a
+right to brag o' that invention--we trained the dear critters, so
+they don't think of striking the minutes and seconds no longer.
+
+"Now the folks of Halifax take it all out in talking. They talk of
+steamboats, whalers and railroads; but they all end where they
+begin--in talk. I don't think I'd be out in my latitude if I was to
+say they beat the womenkind at that. One feller says, 'I talk of
+going to England;' another says, 'I talk of going to the country;'
+while a third says, 'I talk of going to sleep.' If we happen to speak
+of such things, we say, 'I'm right off down East;' or 'I'm away off
+South,' and away we go, jist like a streak of lightning.
+
+"When we want folks to talk, we pay 'em for it, such as ministers,
+lawyers, and members of Congress; but then we expect the use of their
+tongues, and not their hands; and when we pay folks to work, we
+expect the use of their hands, and not their tongues. I guess work
+don't come kind o' natural to the people of this Province, no more
+than it does to a full-bred horse. I expect they think they have a
+little too much blood in 'em for work, for they are near about as
+proud as they are lazy.
+
+"Now the bees know how to sarve out such chaps, for they have their
+drones too. Well they reckon it's no fun, a-makin' honey all summer,
+for these idle critters to eat all winter, so they give 'em Lynch
+Law. They have a regular built mob of citizens, and string up the
+drones like the Vicksburg gamblers. Their maxim is, and not a bad one
+neither I guess, 'no work, no honey.'"
+
+
+
+No. IV
+
+Conversations at the River Philip.
+
+
+It was late before we arrived at Pugnose's inn--the evening was cool,
+and a fire was cheering and comfortable. Mr. Slick declined any share
+in the bottle of wine, he said he was dyspeptic; and a glass or two
+soon convinced me that it was likely to produce in me something worse
+than dyspepsy. It was speedily removed and we drew up to the fire.
+Taking a small penknife from his pocket, he began to whittle a thin
+piece of dry wood, which lay on the hearth; and, after musing some
+time said--
+
+"I guess you've never been in the States?"
+
+I replied that I had not, but that before I returned to England I
+proposed visiting that country.
+
+"There," said he, "you'll see the great Daniel Webster; he's a great
+man, I tell you; King William, number four, I guess, would be no
+match for him as an orator--he'd talk him out of sight in half an
+hour. If he was in your house of Commons, I reckon he'd make some
+of your great folks look pretty streaked--he's a true patriot and
+statesman, the first in our country, and a most particular cute
+lawyer. There was a Quaker chap too cute for him once though. This
+Quaker, a pretty knowin' old shaver, had a cause down to Rhode
+Island; so he went to Daniel to hire him to go down and plead his
+case for him; so says he, 'Lawyer Webster what's your fee?' 'Why,'
+says Daniel, 'let me see, I have to go down south to Washington, to
+plead the great Insurance case of the Hartford Company--and I've got
+to be at Cincinnati to attend the Convention, and I don't see how I
+can go to Rhode Island without great loss and great fatigue; it would
+cost you maybe more than you'd be willing to give.'
+
+"Well, the Quaker looked pretty white about the gills, I tell you,
+when he heard this, for he couldn't do without him no how, and he
+didn't like this preliminary talk of his at all. At last he made
+bold to ask him the worst of it, what he would take? 'Why,' says
+Daniel, 'I always liked the Quakers, they are a quiet peaceable
+people who never go to law if they can help it, and it would be
+better for our great country if there were more such people in it. I
+never seed or heerd tell of any harm in 'em except going the whole
+figure for Gineral Jackson, and that everlasting, almighty villain,
+Van Buren; yes, I love the Quakers, I hope they'll go the Webster
+ticket yet--and I'll go for you as low as I can any way afford, say
+one thousand dollars.'
+
+"The Quaker well nigh fainted when he heerd this, but he was pretty
+deep too; so, says he, 'Lawyer, that's a great deal of money, but I
+have more cases there; if I give you the one thousand dollars will
+you plead the other cases I shall have to give you?' 'Yes,' says
+Daniel, 'I will to the best of my humble abilities.' So down they
+went to Rhode Island, and Daniel tried the case and carried it for
+the Quaker. Well, the Quaker he goes round to all the folks that had
+suits in court, and says he, 'What will you give me if I get the
+great Daniel to plead for you? It cost me one thousand dollars for
+a fee, but now he and I are pretty thick, and as he is on the spot,
+I'd get him to plead cheap for you.' So he got three hundred dollars
+from one, and two from another, and so on, until he got eleven hundred
+dollars, jist one hundred dollars more than he gave. Daniel was in a
+great rage when he heerd this. 'What!' says he, 'do you think I would
+agree to your letting me out like a horse to hire?' 'Friend Daniel,'
+said the Quaker, 'didst thou not undertake to plead all such cases as
+I should have to give thee? If thou wilt not stand to thy agreement,
+neither will I stand to mine.' Daniel laughed out ready to split his
+sides at this. 'Well,' says he, 'I guess I might as well stand still
+for you to put the bridle on this time, for you have fairly pinned me
+up in a corner of the fence anyhow.' So he went good humouredly to
+work and pleaded them all.
+
+"This lazy fellow, Pugnose," continued the Clockmaker; "that keeps
+this inn, is going to sell off and go to the States; he says he has
+to work too hard here; that the markets are dull, and the winter too
+long; and he guesses he can live easier there; I guess he'll find his
+mistake afore he has been there long. Why, our country ain't to be
+compared to this on no account whatever; our country never made us
+to be the great nation we are, but we made the country. How on airth
+could we, if we were all like old Pugnose, as lazy, as ugly, make
+that cold thin soil of New England produce what it does? Why, sir,
+the land between Boston and Salem would starve a flock of geese; and
+yet look at Salem; it has more cash than would buy Nova Scotia from
+the King. We rise early, live frugally, and work late; what we get
+we take care of. To all this we add enterprise and intelligence--a
+feller who finds work too hard here, had better not go to the States.
+I met an Irishman, one Pat Lannigan, last week, who had just returned
+from the States. 'Why,' says I, 'Pat, what on airth brought you
+back?' 'Bad luck to them,' says Pat, 'if I warn't properly bit. "What
+do you get a day in Nova Scotia?" says Judge Beler to me. "Four
+shillings, your Lordship," says I. "There are no Lords here," says
+he, "we are all free. Well," says he, "I'll give you as much in one
+day as you can earn there in two; I'll give you eight shillings."
+"Long life to your Lordship," says I. So next day to it I went with a
+party of men a-digging a piece of canal, and if it wasn't a hot day
+my name is not Pat Lannigan. Presently I looked up and straightened
+my back; says I to a comrade of mine, "Mick," says I, "I'm very dry;"
+with that, says the overseer, "We don't allow gentlemen to talk at
+their work in this country." Faith, I soon found out for my two days'
+pay in one, I had to do two days' work in one, and pay two weeks'
+board in one, and at the end of a month, I found myself no better off
+in pocket than in Nova Scotia; while the devil a bone in my body that
+didn't ache with pain, and as for my nose, it took to bleeding, and
+bled day and night entirely. Upon my soul, Mr. Slick,' said he, 'the
+poor labourer does not last long in your country; what with new rum,
+hard labour, and hot weather, you'll see the graves of the Irish each
+side of the canal, for all the world like two rows of potatoes in a
+field that have forgot to come up.'
+
+"It is a land, sir," continued the Clockmaker, "of hard work. We have
+two kind of slaves, the niggers and the white slaves. All European
+labourers and blacks, who come out to us, do our hard bodily work,
+while we direct it to a profitable end; neither rich nor poor, high
+nor low, with us, eat the bread of idleness. Our whole capital is in
+active operation, and our whole population is in active employment.
+An idle fellow, like Pugnose, who runs away to us, is clapped into
+harness afore he knows where he is, and is made to work; like a
+horse that refuses to draw, he is put into the teamboat; he finds
+some before him and others behind him, he must either draw, or be
+dragged to death."
+
+
+
+No. V
+
+Justice Pettifog.
+
+
+In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice's Court was
+to be held that day at Pugnose's inn, and he guessed he could do
+a little business among the country folks that would be assembled
+there. Some of them, he said, owed him for clocks, and it would save
+him a world of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to
+drive them up together. "If you want a fat wether, there's nothing
+like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I guess," said he, "if
+General Campbell knew what sort of a man that 'ere magistrate was,
+he'd disband him pretty quick; he's a regular suck egg--a disgrace
+to the country. I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he'd get
+a breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small eend of a
+rifle, he'd find pretty difficult to digest. They tell me he issues
+three hundred writs a year, the cost of which, including that
+tarnation constable's fees, can't amount to nothing less than three
+thousand dollars per annum. If the Hon'ble Daniel Webster had him
+afore a jury, I reckon he'd turn him inside out, and slip him back
+again, as quick as an old stocking. He'd paint him to the life, as
+plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He's jist a fit
+feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged, and damned, all at once;
+there's more nor him in the country--there's some of the breed in
+every county in the Province. Jist one or two to do the dirty work,
+as we keep niggers for jobs that would give a white man the cholera.
+They ought to pay his passage, as we do with such critters, tell him
+his place is taken in the mail coach, and if he is found here after
+twenty-four hours, they'd make a carpenter's plumb-bob of him, and
+hang him outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular.
+He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if the poor
+defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it, so that it grinds a
+grist both ways for him, like the upper and lower millstone."
+
+People soon began to assemble, some on foot, and others on
+horseback and in wagons. Pugnose's tavern was all bustle and
+confusion--plaintiffs, defendants, and witnesses, all talking,
+quarrelling, explaining, and drinking. "Here comes the Squire," said
+one. "I'm thinking his horse carries more roguery than law," said
+another. "They must have been in proper want of timber to make a
+justice of," said a third, "when they took such a crooked stick as
+that." "Sap-headed enough too for refuse," said a stout-looking
+farmer. "May be so," said another, "but as hard at the heart as a
+log of elm." "Howsomever," said a third, "I hope it won't be long
+afore he has the wainy edge scored off of him, anyhow." Many more
+such remarks were made, all drawn from familiar objects, but all
+expressive of bitterness and contempt.
+
+He carried one or two large books with him in his gig, and a
+considerable roll of papers. As soon as the obsequious Mr. Pugnose
+saw him at the door, he assisted him to alight, ushered him into the
+"best room," and desired the constable to attend "the Squire." The
+crowd immediately entered, and the Constable opened the court in due
+form, and commanded silence.
+
+Taking out a long list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the
+names: "James Sharp versus John Slug--call John Slug." John Slug
+being duly called and not answering, was defaulted. In this manner
+he proceeded to default some twenty or thirty persons. At last he
+came to a cause, "William Hare versus Dennis O'Brien--call Dennis
+O'Brien." "Here I am," said a voice from the other room--"here I am,
+who has anything to say to Dennis O'Brien?"
+
+"Make less noise, sir," said the Justice, "or I'll commit you."
+
+"Commit me, is it," said Dennis. "Take care then, Squire, you don't
+commit yourself."
+
+"You are sued by William Hare for three pounds, for a month's board
+and lodging; what have you to say to it?"
+
+"Say to it?" said Dennis. "Did you ever hear what Tim Doyle said
+when he was going to be hanged for stealing a pig? Says he, 'If
+the pig hadn't squeeled in the bag I'd never have been found out,
+so I wouldn't.' So I'll take warning by Tim Doyle's fate; I say
+nothing--let him prove it." Here Mr. Hare was called on for his
+proof, but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted,
+and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof.
+
+"I demand," said Dennis, "I demand an unsuit."
+
+Here there was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff,
+when the Justice said, "I shall not nonsuit him, I shall continue the
+cause." "What, hang it up till next court? You had better hang me up
+then at once. How can a poor man come here so often? This may be the
+entertainment Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is
+no entertainment for me. I admit then, sooner than come again, I
+admit it."
+
+"You admit you owe him three pounds then for a month's board?"
+
+"I admit no such thing; I say I boarded with him a month, and was
+like Pat Moran's cow at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to
+him." A neighbour was here called, who proved that the three pounds
+might be the usual price. "And do you know I taught his children to
+write at the school?" said Dennis. "You might," answered the witness.
+"And what is that worth?" "I don't know." "You don't know? Faith, I
+believe you're right," said Dennis, "for if the children are half as
+big rogues as the faither, they might leave writing alone, or they'd
+be like to be hanged for forgery." Here Dennis produced his account
+for teaching five children, two quarters, at nine shillings a quarter
+each, four pounds ten shillings. "I am sorry, Mr. O'Brien," said the
+Justice, "very sorry, but your defence will not avail you; your account
+is too large for one Justice; any sum over three pounds must be sued
+before two magistrates."
+
+"But I only want to offset as much as will pay the board."
+
+"It can't be done in this shape," said the magistrate; "I will
+consult Justice Dolittle, my neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won't settle
+with you, I will sue it for you."
+
+"Well," said Dennis, "all I have to say is, that there is not so big
+a rogue as Hare on the whole river, save and except one scoundrel
+who shall be nameless," making a significant and humble bow to the
+Justice. Here there was a general laugh throughout the court. Dennis
+retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another glass
+of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and the Magistrate.
+Disgusted at the gross partiality of the Justice, I also quitted the
+court, fully concurring in the opinion, though not in the language,
+that Dennis was giving utterance to in the bar room.
+
+Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election. It is
+to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as promptly rewarded,
+by his dismissal from a bench which he disgraces and defiles by his
+presence.
+
+
+
+No. VI
+
+Anecdotes.
+
+
+As we mounted our horses to proceed to Amherst, groups of country
+people were to be seen standing about Pugnose's inn, talking over the
+events of the morning, while others were dispersing to their several
+homes.
+
+"A pretty prime superfine scoundrel, that Pettifog," said the
+Clockmaker; "he and his constable are well mated, and they've
+travelled in the same gear so long together, that they make about
+as nice a yoke of rascals as you'll meet in a day's ride. They pull
+together like one rope reeved through two blocks. That 'ere constable
+was e'enamost strangled t'other day; and if he hadn't had a little
+grain more wit than his master, I guess he'd had his wind-pipe
+stopped as tight as a bladder. There is an outlaw of a feller here,
+for all the world like one of our Kentucky Squatters, one Bill
+Smith--a critter that neither fears man nor devil. Sheriff and
+constable can make no hand of him; they can't catch him no how; and
+if they do come up with him, he slips through their fingers like
+an eel; and then, he goes armed, and he can knock the eye out of a
+squirrel with a ball, at fifty yards hand running--a regular ugly
+customer.
+
+"Well, Nabb, the constable, had a writ agin him, and he was ciphering
+a good while how he should catch him; at last he hit on a plan that
+he thought was pretty clever, and he scheemed for a chance to try it.
+So one day he heerd that Bill was up at Pugnose's inn, a-settling
+some business, and was likely to be there all night. Nabb waits till
+it was considerable late in the evening, and then he takes his horse
+and rides down to the inn, and hitches his beast behind the hay
+stack. Then he crawls up to the window and peeps in, and watches
+there till Bill should go to bed, thinking the best way to catch them
+'ere sort of animals is to catch them asleep. Well, he kept Nabb
+a-waiting outside so long, with his talking and singing, that he well
+nigh fell asleep fist himself; at last Bill began to strip for bed.
+First he takes out a long pocket pistol, examines the priming, and
+lays it down on the table, near the head of the bed.
+
+"When Nabb sees this, he begins to creep like all over, and feel
+kinder ugly, and rather sick of his job; but when he seed him jump
+into bed, and heerd him snore out a noise like a man driving pigs to
+market, he plucked up courage, and thought he might do it easy arter
+all if he was to open the door softly, and make one spring on him
+afore he could wake. So round he goes, lifts up the latch of his door
+as soft as soap, and makes a jump right atop of him, as he lay in the
+bed. 'I guess I got you this time,' said Nabb. 'I guess so too,' said
+Bill, 'but I wish you wouldn't lay so plaguy heavy on me; jist turn
+over, that's a good fellow, will you?' With that Bill lays his arm
+on him to raise him up, for he said he was squeezed as flat as a
+pancake, and afore Nabb knew where he was, Bill rolled him right over
+and was atop of him. Then he seized him by the throat, and twisted
+his pipe till his eyes were as big as saucers, and his tongue grew
+six inches longer, while he kept making faces for all the world like
+the pirate that was hanged on Monument Hill at Boston. It was pretty
+near over with him, when Nabb thought of his spurs; so he just curled
+up both heels, and drove the spurs right into him; he let him have it
+jist below his crupper. As Bill was naked he had a fair chance, and
+he ragged him like the leaf of a book cut open with your finger. At
+last, Bill could stand it no longer; he let go his hold and roared
+like a bull, and clapping both hands ahind him, he out of the door
+like a shot. If it hadn't been for them 'ere spurs, I guess Bill
+would have saved the hangman a job of Nabb that time."
+
+The Clockmaker was an observing man, and equally communicative.
+Nothing escaped his notice; he knew everybody's genealogy, history
+and means, and like a driver of an English stage-coach, was not
+unwilling to impart what he knew. "Do you see that snug-looking
+house there," said he, "with a short sarce garden afore it, that
+belongs to Elder Thomson. The Elder is pretty close-fisted, and holds
+special fast to all he gets. He is a just man and very pious, but
+I have observed when a man becomes near about too good, he is apt,
+sometimes, to slip ahead into avarice, unless he looks sharp arter
+his girths. A friend of mine in Connecticut, an old sea Captain, who
+was once let in for it pretty deep, by a man with a broader brim than
+common, he said to me, 'Friend Sam, I don't like those folks who are
+too damned good.' There is, I expect, some truth in it, tho' he
+needn't have swore at all, but he was an awful hand to swear.
+Howsomever that may be, there is a story about the Elder, that's not
+so coarse neither.
+
+"It appears an old Minister came there once, to hold a meetin' at his
+house--well, after meetin' was over, the Elder took the minister all
+over his farm, which is pretty tidy, I tell you; and he showed him
+a great Ox he had, and a swingeing big Pig, that weighed some six
+or seven hundred weight, that he was plaguy proud of, but he never
+offered the old minister anything to eat or drink. The preacher was
+pretty tired of all this, and seeing no prospect of being asked to
+partake with the family, and tolerably sharp set, he asked one of the
+boys to fetch him his horse out of the barn. When he was taking leave
+of the Elder (there were several folks by at the time), says he,
+'Elder Thomson, you have a fine farm here, a very fine farm, indeed;
+you have a large Ox too, a very large Ox; and I think,' said he,
+'I've seen today' (turning and looking him full in the face, for
+he intended to hit him pretty hard) 'I think I have seen today the
+greatest hog I ever saw in my life.' The neighbours snickered a good
+deal, and the Elder felt pretty streaked. I guess he'd give his
+great Pig or his great Ox either, if that story hadn't got wind."
+
+
+
+No. VII
+
+Go Ahead.
+
+
+When we resumed our conversation, the Clockmaker said, "I guess
+we are the greatest nation on the face of the airth, and the most
+enlightened too."
+
+This was rather too arrogant to pass unnoticed, and I was about
+replying, that whatever doubts there might be on that subject, there
+could be none whatever that they were the most modest, when he
+continued "we 'go ahead'; the Nova Scotians 'go astarn.' Our ships go
+ahead of the ships of other folks, our steamboats beat the British in
+speed, and so do our stage coaches; and I reckon a real right down
+New York trotter might stump the univarse for going ahead. But since
+we introduced the railroads if we don't go ahead it's a pity. We
+never fairly knew what going the whole hog was till then; we actilly
+went ahead of ourselves, and that's no easy matter I tell you. If
+they only had edication here, they might learn to do so too, but
+they don't know nothin'."
+
+"You undervalue them," said I; "they have their College and
+Academies, their grammar schools and primary institutions, and I
+believe there are few among them who cannot read and write."
+
+"I guess all that's nothin'," said he. "As for Latin and Greek, we
+don't vally it a cent; we teach it, and so we do painting and music,
+because the English do, and we like to go ahead on 'em, even in
+them 'ere things. As for reading, it's well enough for them that
+has nothing to do, and writing is plaguy apt to bring a man to
+states-prison, particularly if he writes his name so like another man
+as to have it mistaken for his'n. Cyphering is the thing--if a man
+knows how to cipher, he is sure to grow rich. We are a 'calculating'
+people, we all cipher.
+
+"A horse that won't go ahead, is apt to run back, and the more you
+whip him the faster he goes astarn. That's jist the way with the Nova
+Scotians; they have been running back so fast lately, that they have
+tumbled over a bank or two, and nearly broke their necks; and now
+they've got up and shook themselves, they swear their dirty clothes
+and bloody noses are all owing to the banks. I guess if they won't
+look ahead for the future, they'll larn to look behind, and see if
+there's a bank near hand 'em.
+
+"A bear always goes down a tree starn foremost. He is a cunning
+critter; he knows 'tain't safe to carry a heavy load over his head,
+and his rump is so heavy, he don't like to trust it over his'n, for
+fear it might take a lurch, and carry him heels over head, to the
+ground; so he lets his starn down first, and his head arter. I wish
+the Bluenoses would find as good an excuse in their rumps for running
+backwards as he has. But the bear 'ciphers;' he knows how many pounds
+his hams weigh, and he 'calculates' if he carried them up in the air,
+they might be top heavy for him.
+
+"If we had this Province we'd go to work and 'cipher' right off.
+Halifax is nothing without a river or back country; add nothing to
+nothing, and I guess you have nothing still--add a railroad to the
+Bay of Fundy, and how much do you git? That requires ciphering--it
+will cost three hundred thousand dollars or seventy-five thousand
+pounds your money--add for notions omitted in the addition column,
+one third, and it makes even money--one hundred thousand pounds.
+Interest at five per cent, five thousand pounds a year. Now turn over
+the slate and count up freight. I make it upwards of twenty-five
+thousand pounds a year. If I had you at the desk, I'd show you a bill
+of items.
+
+"Now comes 'subtraction'; deduct cost of engines, wear and tear, and
+expenses, and what not, and reduce it for shortness down to five
+thousand pounds a year, the amount of interest. What figures have you
+got now? You have an investment that pays interest, I guess, and if
+it don't pay more then I don't know chalk from cheese. But suppose
+it don't, and that it only yields two and a half per cent (and it
+requires good ciphering, I tell you, to say how it would act with
+folks that like going astarn better than going ahead), what would them
+'ere wise ones say then? Why the foolish critters would say it won't
+pay; but I say the sum ain't half stated. Can you count in your head?"
+
+"Not to any extent," said I.
+
+"Well, that's an etarnal pity," said the Clockmaker, "for I should
+like to show you Yankee Cyphering. What is the entire real estate of
+Halifax worth, at a valeation?"
+
+"I really cannot say."
+
+"Ah," said he, "I see you don't cipher, and Latin and Greek won't do;
+them 'ere people had no railroad. Well, find out, and then only add
+ten per cent to it, for increased value, and if it don't give the
+cost of a railroad, then my name is not Sam Slick. Well, the land
+between Halifax and Ardoise is worth--nothing; add five per cent to
+that, and send the sum to the College, and ax the students how much
+it comes to. But when you get into Hants County, I guess you have
+land worth coming all the way from Boston to see. His Royal Highness
+the King, I guess, hasn't got the like in his dominions. Well, add
+fifteen per cent to all them 'ere lands that border on Windsor Basin,
+and five per cent to what 'buts on basin of Mines, and then, what do
+you get? A pretty considerable sum I tell you--but it's no use to give
+you the CHALKS, if you can't keep the TALLIES.
+
+"Now we will lay down the schoolmaster's assistant, and take up
+another book every bit and grain as good as that, although these
+folks affect to sneer at it--I mean human natur'."
+
+"Ah!" said I, "a knowledge of that was of great service to you,
+certainly, in the sale of your clock to the old Deacon; let us see
+how it will assist you now."
+
+"What does a clock want that's run down?" said he.
+
+"Undoubtedly to be wound up," I replied.
+
+"I guess you've hit it this time. The folks of Halifax have run down,
+and they'll never go to all eternity, till they are wound up into
+motion; the works are all good, and it is plaguy well cased and
+set--it only wants a key. Put this railroad into operation, and the
+activity it will inspire into business, the new life it will give the
+place, will surprise you. It's like lifting a child off his crawling,
+and putting him on his legs to run--see how the little critter goes
+ahead arter that. A kurnel (I don't mean a Kurnel of militia, for we
+don't vally that breed o' cattle nothing--they do nothing but strut
+about and screech all day, like peacocks), but a kurnel of grain,
+when sowed, will stool into several shoots, and each shoot hear many
+kurnels, and will multiply itself thus--four times one is four, and
+four times twenty-five is one hundred (you see all natur' ciphers,
+except the Bluenoses). Jist so, this 'ere railroad will not, perhaps,
+beget other railroads, but it will beget a spirit of enterprise, that
+will beget other useful improvements. It will enlarge the sphere and
+the means of trade, open new sources of traffic and supply--develop
+resources--and what is of more value perhaps than all--beget motion.
+It will stool out and bear abundantly; it will teach the folks that
+go astarn or stand stock still, like the statehouse in Boston (though
+they do say the foundation of that has moved a little this summer),
+not only to 'go ahead,' but to nullify time and space."
+
+Here his horse (who, feeling the animation of his master, had been
+restive of late) set off at a most prodigious rate of trotting. It
+was some time before he was reined up. When I overtook him, the
+Clockmaker said, "this old Yankee horse, you see, understands our
+word 'go ahead' better nor these Bluenoses."
+
+"What is it," he continued, "what is it that 'fetters' the heels of a
+young country, and hangs like 'a poke' around its neck? What retards
+the cultivation of its soil, and the improvement of its fisheries?
+The high price of labour, I guess. Well, what's a railroad? The
+substitution of mechanical for human and animal labour, on a scale as
+grand as our great country. Labour is dear in America, and cheap in
+Europe. A railroad, therefore, is comparatively no manner of use
+to them, to what it is to us; it does wonders there, but it works
+miracles here. There it makes the old man younger, but here it makes
+a child a giant. To us it is river, bridge, road and canal, all in
+one. It saves what we hain't got to spare, men, horses, carts,
+vessels, barges, and what's all in all--time.
+
+"Since the creation of the Universe, I guess it's the greatest
+invention, arter man. Now this is what I call 'ciphering' arter human
+natur', while figures are ciphering arter the 'assistant.' These two
+sorts of ciphering make edecation--and you may depend on't, Squire,
+there is nothing like folks ciphering, if they want to 'go ahead.'"
+
+
+
+No. VIII
+
+The Preacher that Wandered from His Text.
+
+
+"I guess," said the Clockmaker, "we know more of Nova Scotia than
+the Bluenoses themselves do. The Yankees see further ahead than most
+folks; they can e'enamost see round t'other side of a thing; indeed
+some of them have hurt their eyes by it, and sometimes I think that's
+the reason such a sight of them wear spectacles. The first I ever
+heerd tell of Cumberland was from Mr. Everett of Congress; he know'd
+as much about it as if he had lived here all his days, and maybe a
+little grain more. He is a splendid man that--we class him No. 1,
+letter A. One night I chanced to go into General Peep's tavern
+at Boston, and who should I see there but the great Mr. Everett,
+a-studying over a map of the Province of Nova Scotia. 'Why it ain't
+possible!' said I; 'if that ain't Professor Everett, as I am alive!
+Why, how do you do, Professor?' 'Pretty well, I give you thanks,' said
+he; 'how be you? but I ain't no longer Professor; I gin that up, and
+also the trade of preaching, and took to politics.' 'You don't say
+so,' said I; 'why, what on airth is the cause o' that?' 'Why,' says
+he, 'look here, Mr. Slick. What IS the use of reading the Proverbs of
+Solomon to our free and enlightened citizens, that are every mite and
+morsel as wise as he was? That 'ere man undertook to say there was
+nothing new under the sun. I guess he'd think he spoke a little too
+fast, if he was to see our steamboats, railroads, and India rubber
+shoes--three inventions worth more nor all he knew put in a heap
+together.' 'Well, I don't know,' said I, 'but somehow or another, I
+guess you'd have found preaching the best speculation in the long
+run; them 'ere Unitarians pay better than Uncle Sam.' (We call," said
+the Clockmaker, "the American public Uncle Sam, as you call the
+British John Bull.)
+
+"That remark seemed to grig him a little; he felt oneasy like, and
+walked twice across the room, fifty fathoms deep in thought; at last
+he said, 'Which way are you from, Mr. Slick, this hitch?' 'Why,' says
+I, 'I've run away up South a-speculating in nutmegs.' 'I hope,' says
+the Professor, 'they were a good article, the real right down genuine
+thing.' 'No mistake,' says I, 'no mistake, Professor: they were all
+prime, first chop; but why did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,'
+says he, 'that eternal scoundrel, that Captain John Allspice of
+Nahant, he used to trade to Charleston, and he carried a cargo once
+there of fifty barrels of nutmegs: well, he put half a bushel of
+good ones into each eend of the barrel, and the rest he filled up
+with wooden ones, so like the real thing, no soul could tell the
+difference until HE BIT ONE WITH HIS TEETH, and that he never thought
+of doing, until he was first BIT HIMSELF. Well, it's been a standing
+joke with them southerners agin us ever since.
+
+"'It was only t'other day at Washington, that everlasting Virginny
+duellist, General Cuffy, afore a number of senators, at the
+President's house, said to me, "Well Everett," says he, "you know I
+was always dead agin your Tariff bill, but I have changed my mind
+since your able speech on it; I shall vote for it now." "Give me your
+hand," says I, "General Cuffy; the Boston folks will be dreadful glad
+when they hear your splendid talents are on our side. I think it will
+go now--we'll carry it." "Yes," says he, "your factories down east
+beat all natur'; they go ahead on the English a long chalk." You may
+depend I was glad to hear the New Englanders spoken of that way; I
+felt proud, I tell you. "And," says he, "there's one manufacture that
+might stump all Europe to produce the like." "What's that?" says I,
+looking as pleased all the time as a gal that's tickled. "Why," says
+he, "the 'facture of wooden nutmegs; that's a cap sheef that bangs
+the bush--it's a real Yankee patent invention." With that all the
+gentlemen set up a laugh, you might have heerd away down to Sandy
+Hook, and the Gineral gig-gobbled like a great turkey-cock--the half
+nigger, half alligator-like looking villain as he is. I tell you
+what, Mr. Slick,' said the Professor, 'I wish with all my heart them
+'ere damned nutmegs were in the bottom of the sea.' That was the
+first oath I ever heerd him let slip: but he was dreadful riled, and
+it made me feel ugly too, for it's awful to hear a minister swear;
+and the only match I know for it, is to hear a regular sneezer of a
+sinner quote Scripture. Says I, 'Mr. Everett, that's the fruit that
+politics bears; for my part I never seed a good graft on it yet, that
+bore anything good to eat, or easy to digest.'
+
+"Well, he stood awhile looking down on the carpet, with his hands
+behind him, quite taken up a-ciphering in his head, and then he
+straightened himself up, and he put his hand upon his heart, just as
+he used to do in the pulpit (he looked pretty I tell you), and slowly
+lifting his hand off his breast, he said, 'Mr. Slick, our tree of
+liberty was a beautiful tree--a splendid tree--it was a sight to look
+at; it was well fenced and well protected, and it grew so stately and
+so handsome, that strangers came from all parts of the globe to see
+it. They all allowed it was the most splendid thing in the world.
+Well, the mobs have broke in and tore down the fences, and snapped
+off the branches, and scattered all the leaves about, and it looks
+no better than a gallows tree. I am afeared,' said he, 'I tremble
+to think on it, but I am afeared our ways will no longer be ways of
+pleasantness, nor our paths, paths of peace; I am, indeed, I vow, Mr.
+Slick.' He looked so streaked and so chop-fallen, that I felt kinder
+sorry for him; I actilly thought he'd a boo-hoo'd right out.
+
+"So, to turn the conversation, says I, 'Professor, what 'ere great
+map is that I seed you a-studyin' over when I came in?' Says he,
+'it's a map of Nova Scotia. That,' says he, 'is a valuable province,
+a real clever province; we hain't got the like on it, but it's most
+plagily in our way.' 'Well,' says I, 'send for Sam Patch' (that 'ere
+man was a great diver," says the Clockmaker, "and the last dive he
+took was off the falls of Niagara, and he was never heerd of agin
+till t'other day, when Captain Enoch Wentworth, of the Susy Ann
+whaler saw him in the South Sea. 'Why,' says Captain Enoch to him,
+'why Sam,' says he, 'how on airth did you get here? I thought you was
+drowned at the Canadian lines.' 'Why,' says he, 'I didn't get ON
+airth here at all, but I came right slap THROUGH it. In that 'ere
+Niagara dive, I went so everlasting deep, I thought it was just as
+short to come up t'other side, so out I came in those parts. If I
+don't take the shine off the Sea Serpent, when I get back to Boston,
+then my name's not Sam Patch'.) 'Well,' says I, 'Professor, send for
+Sam Patch, the diver, and let him dive down and stick a torpedo in
+the bottom of the Province and blow it up; or if that won't do, send
+for some of our steam towboats from our great Eastern cities, and tow
+it out to sea; you know there's nothing our folks can't do, when they
+once fairly take hold on a thing in airnest.'
+
+"Well, that made him laugh; he seemed to forget about the nutmegs,
+and says he, 'That's a bright scheme, but it won't do; we shall want
+the Province some day, and I guess we'll buy it of King William; they
+say he is over head and ears in debt, and owes nine hundred millions
+of pounds starling--we'll buy it, as we did Florida. In the meantime
+we must have a canal from Bay Fundy to Bay Varte, right through
+Cumberland neck, by Shittyack, for our fishing vessels to go to
+Labradore.' 'I guess you must ax leave first,' said I. 'That's jist
+what I was ciphering at,' says he, 'when you came in. I believe we
+won't ax them at all, but jist fall to and do it; IT'S A ROAD OF
+NEEDCESSITY. I once heard Chief Justice Marshall of Baltimore say;
+"If the people's highway is dangerous, a man may take down a fence
+and pass through the fields as a way of NEEDCESSITY;" and we shall do
+it on that principle, as the way round by Isle Sable is dangerous. I
+wonder the Nova Scotians don't do it for their own convenience.' Said
+I, 'it wouldn't make a bad speculation that.' 'The critters don't
+know no better,' said he. 'Well,' says I, 'the St. John's folks, why
+don't they? for they are pretty cute chaps them.'
+
+"'They remind me,' says the Professor, 'of Jim Billings. You knew
+Jim Billings, didn't you, Mr. Slick?' 'Oh yes,' said I, 'I knew him.
+It was he that made such a talk by shipping blankets to the West
+Indies.' 'The same,' says he. 'Well, I went to see him the other day
+at Mrs. Lecain's boarding-house, and says I, "Billings, you have a
+nice location here." "A plaguy sight too nice," said he. "Marm Lecain
+makes such an etarnal touss about her carpets, that I have to go
+along that everlasting long entry, and down both staircases, to the
+street door to spit; and it keeps all the gentlemen a-running with
+their mouths full all day. I had a real bout with a New Yorker this
+morning. I run down to the street door, and afore I seed anybody
+a-coming, I let go, and I vow if I didn't let a chap have it all over
+his white waistcoat. Well, he makes a grab at me, and I shuts the
+door right to on his wrist, and hooks the door chain taught and
+leaves him there, and into Marm Lecain's bedroom like a shot, and
+hides behind the curtain. Well, he roared like a bull, till black
+Lucretia, one of the house-helps, let him go, and they looked into
+all the gentlemen's rooms and found nobody; so I got out of that 'ere
+scrape. So, what with Marm Lecain's carpets in the house, and other
+folks' waistcoats in the street, it's too nice a location for me, I
+guess, so I shall up killock and off tomorrow to the TREE-mont."
+
+"'Now,' says the Professor, 'the St. John's folks are jist like
+Billings, fifty cents would have bought him a spit box, and saved him
+all them 'ere journeys to the street door--and a canal at Bay Varte
+would save the St. John's folks a voyage all round Nova Scotia. Why,
+they can't get at their own backside settlements, without a voyage
+most as long as one to Europe. If we had that 'ere neck of land in
+Cumberland, we'd have a ship canal there, and a town at each end of
+it as big as Portland. You may talk of Solomon,' said the Professor,
+'but if Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like a lily of the
+field, neither was he in all his wisdom, equal in knowledge to a real
+free American citizen.' 'Well,' said I, 'Professor, we are a most
+enlightened people, that's sartain, but somehow I don't like to hear
+you run down King Solomon neither; perhaps he warn't quite so wise
+as Uncle Sam, but then,' said I (drawing close to the Professor, and
+whispering in his ear, for fear any folks in the bar room might hear
+me), 'but then, said I, may be he was every bit and grain as honest.'
+Says he, 'Mr. Slick, there are some folks who think a good deal and
+say but little, and they are wise folks; and there are others agin,
+who blart right out whatever comes uppermost, and I guess they are
+pretty considerable superfine darned fools.'
+
+"And with that he turned right round, and sat down to his map and
+never said another word, lookin' as mad as a hatter the whole blessed
+time."
+
+
+
+No. IX
+
+Yankee Eating and Horse Feeding.
+
+
+"Did you ever hear tell of Abernethy, a British doctor?" said the
+Clockmaker.
+
+"Frequently," said I; "he was an eminent man, and had a most
+extensive practice."
+
+"Well, I reckon he was a vulgar critter that," he replied, "he
+treated the hon'ble Alden Gobble, secretary to our legation at
+London, dreadful bad once; and I guess if it had been me he had used
+that way, I'd a fixed his flint for him, so that he'd think twice
+afore he'd fire such another shot as that 'ere agin. I'd a made him
+make tracks, I guess, as quick as a dog does a hog from a potato
+field. He'd a found his way out of the hole in the fence a plaguy
+sight quicker than he came in, I reckon."
+
+"His manner," said I, "was certainly rather unceremonious at times,
+but he was so honest and so straightforward, that no person was,
+I believe, ever seriously offended at him. IT WAS HIS WAY."
+
+"Then his way was so plaguy rough," continued the Clockmaker, "that
+he'd been the better, if it had been hammered and mauled down
+smoother. I'd a levelled him as flat as a flounder."
+
+"Pray what was his offence?" said I.
+
+"Bad enough you may depend. The hon'ble Alden Gobble was dyspeptic,
+and he suffered great on easiness arter eatin', so he gees to
+Abemethy for advice. 'What's the matter with you?' said the
+Doctor--jist that way, without even passing the time o' day with
+him--'what's the matter with you?' said he. 'Why,' says Alden, 'I
+presume I have the Dyspepsy.' 'Ah!' said he, 'I see; a Yankee
+swallowed more dollars and cents than he can digest.' 'I am an
+American citizen,' says Alden, with great dignity; 'I am Secretary to
+our Legation at the Court of St. James.' 'The devil you are,' said
+Abernethy; "then you'll soon get rid of your dyspepsy.' 'I don't see
+that 'ere inference,' said Alden, 'it don't follow from what you
+predicate at all; it ain't a natural consequence, I guess, that a man
+should cease to be ill because he is called by the voice of a free
+and enlightened people to fill an important office.' (The truth is,
+you could no more trap Alden than you could an Indian. He could see
+other folks' trail, and made none himself; he was a real diplomatist,
+and I believe our diplomatists are allowed to be the best in the
+world.) 'But I tell you it does follow,' said the Doctor; 'for in the
+company you'll have to keep, you'll have to eat like a Christian.'
+
+"It was an everlasting pity Alden contradicted him, for he broke out
+like one ravin' distracted mad. 'I'll be damned,' said he, 'if ever I
+saw a Yankee that didn't bolt his food whole like a boa constrictor.
+How the devil can you expect to digest food, that you neither take
+the trouble to dissect, nor time to masticate? It's no wonder you
+lose your teeth, for you never use them; nor your digestion, for
+you overload it; nor your saliva, for you expend it on the carpets,
+instead of your food. It's disgusting, it's beastly. You Yankees load
+your stomachs as a Devonshire man does his cart, as full as it can
+hold, and as fast as he can pitch it with a dung-fork, and drive off;
+and then you complain that such a load of compost is too heavy for
+you. Dyspepsy, eh! infernal guzzling, you mean. I'll tell you what,
+Mr. Secretary of Legation, take half the time to eat that you do to
+drawl out your words, chew your food half as much as you do your
+filthy tobacco, and you'll be well in a month.'
+
+"'I don't understand such language,' said Alden. (For he was fairly
+riled, and got his dander up, and when he shows clear grit, he looks
+wicked ugly, I tell you.) 'I don't understand such language, sir;
+I came here to consult you professionally, and not to be--' 'Don't
+understand!' said the Doctor, 'why it's plain English; but here, read
+my book!' and he shoved a book into his hands and left him in an
+instant, standing alone in the middle of the room.
+
+"If the hon'ble Alden Gobble had gone right away and demanded his
+passport, and returned home with the Legation, in one of our first
+class frigates (I guess the English would as soon see p'ison as one
+o' them 'ere Serpents), to Washington, the President and the people
+would have sustained him in it, I guess, until an apology was offered
+for the insult to the nation. I guess if it had been me," said Mr.
+Slick, "I'd a headed him afore he slipped out o' the door, and pinned
+him up agin the wall, and made him bolt his words again, as quick as
+he throw'd 'em up, for I never seed an Englishman that didn't cut his
+words as short as he does his horse's tail, close up to the stump."
+
+"It certainly was very coarse and vulgar language, and I think," said
+I, "that your Secretary had just cause to be offended at such an
+ungentlemanlike attack, although he showed his good sense in treating
+it with the contempt it deserved."
+
+"It was plaguy lucky for the doctor, I tell you, that he cut his
+stick as he did, and made himself scarce, for Alden was an ugly
+customer; he'd a gi'n him a proper scalding; he'd a taken the
+bristles off his hide, as clean as the skin of a spring shote of
+a pig killed at Christmas."
+
+The Clockmaker was evidently excited by his own story, and to
+indemnify himself for these remarks on his countrymen, he indulged
+for some time in ridiculing the Nova Scotians.
+
+"Do you see that 'ere flock of colts," said he, as we passed one of
+those beautiful prairies that render the valleys of Nova Scotia so
+verdant and so fertile. "Well, I guess they keep too much of that
+'ere stock. I heerd an Indian one day ax a tavern-keeper for some
+rum. 'Why, Joe Spawdeeck,' said he, 'I reckon you have got too much
+already.' 'Too much of anything,' said Joe, 'is not good; but too
+much rum is jist enough.' I guess these Bluenoses think so about
+their horses; they are fairly eat up by them, out of house and home,
+and they are no good neither. They bean't good saddle horses, and
+they bean't good draft beasts; they are jist neither one thing nor
+t'other. They are like the drink of our Connecticut folks. At mowing
+time they use molasses and water--nasty stuff, only fit to catch
+flies; it spiles good water and makes bad beer. No wonder the folks
+are poor. Look at them 'ere great dykes; well, they all go to feed
+horses; and look at their grain fields on the upland; well, they are
+all sowed with oats to feed horses, and they buy their bread from
+us: so we feed the asses, and they feed the horses. If I had them
+critters on that 'ere marsh, on a location of mine, I'd jist
+take my rifle and shoot every one on 'em--the nasty yo-necked,
+cat-hammed, heavy-headed, flat-eared, crooked-shanked, long-legged,
+narrow-chested, good-for-nothin' brutes; they ain't worth their
+keep one winter. I vow, I wish one of these Bluenoses, with his
+go-to-meetin' clothes on, coat-tails pinned up behind like a leather
+blind of a Shay, an old spur on one heel, and a pipe stuck through
+his hat-band, mounted on one of these limber-timbered critters, that
+moves its hind legs like a hen scratchin' gravel, was sot down in
+Broadway, in New York, for a sight. Lord! I think I hear the West
+Point cadets a-larfin' at him. 'Who brought that 'ere scare-crow out
+of standin' corn and stuck him here?' 'I guess that 'ere citizen came
+from away down east out of the Notch of the White Mountains.' 'Here
+comes the Cholera doctor, from Canada--not from Canada, I guess,
+neither, for he don't look as if he had ever been among the rapids.'
+If they wouldn't poke fun at him it's a pity.
+
+"If they'd keep less horses, and more sheep, they'd have food and
+clothing, too, instead of buyin' both. I vow I've larfed afore now
+till I have fairly wet myself a-cryin', to see one of these folks
+catch a horse: may be he has to go two or three miles of an arrand.
+Well, down he goes on the dyke with a bridle in one hand, and an old
+tin pan in another, full of oats, to catch his beast. First he goes
+to one flock of horses, and then to another, to see if he can find
+his own critter. At last he gets sight on him, and goes softly up to
+him, shakin' of his oats, and a-coaxin' him, and jist as he goes to
+put his hand upon him, away he starts all head and tail, and the rest
+with him: that starts another flock, and they set a third off, and
+at last every troop on 'em goes, as if Old Nick was arter them, till
+they amount to two or three hundred in a drove. Well, he chases them
+clear across the Tantramer marsh, seven miles good, over ditches,
+creeks, mire holes, and flag ponds, and then they turn and take a
+fair chase for it back again, seven miles more. By this time, I
+presume, they are all pretty considerably well tired, and Bluenose,
+he goes and gets up all the men folks in the neighbourhood, and
+catches his beast, as they do a moose arter he is fairly run down;
+so he runs fourteen miles, to ride two, because he is in a tarnation
+hurry. It's e'enamost equal to eatin' soup with a fork, when you are
+short of time. It puts me in mind of catching birds by sprinklin'
+salt on their tails; it's only one horse a man can ride out of half
+a dozen, arter all. One has no shoes, t'other has a colt, one ain't
+broke, another has a sore back, while a fifth is so etarnal cunnin',
+all Cumberland couldn't catch him, till winter drives him up to the
+barn for food.
+
+"Most of them 'ere dyke marshes have what they call 'honey pots' in
+'em; that is a deep hole all full of squash, where you can't find no
+bottom. Well, every now and then, when a feller goes to look for his
+horse, he sees his tail a-stickin' right out an eend, from one of
+these honey pots, and wavin' like a head of broom corn; and sometimes
+you see two or three trapped there, e'enamost smothered, everlastin'
+tired, half swimmin' half wadin', like rats in a molasses cask. When
+they find 'em in that 'ere pickle, they go and get ropes, and tie
+'em tight round their necks, and half hang 'em to make 'em float,
+and then haul 'em out. Awful lookin' critters they be, you may
+depend, when they do come out; for all the world like half-drowned
+kittens--all slinkey slimey, with their great long tails glued up
+like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. If they don't look foolish it's
+a pity! Well, they have to nurse these critters all winter, with hot
+mashes, warm covering, and what not, and when spring comes, they
+mostly die, and if they don't they are never no good arter. I wish
+with all my heart half the horses in the country were barrelled up in
+these here 'honey pots,' and then there'd be near about one half too
+many left for profit. Jist look at one of these barn yards in the
+spring--half a dozen half-starved colts, with their hair lookin' a
+thousand ways for Sunday, and their coats hangin' in tatters, and
+half a dozen good-for-nothin' old horses, a-crowdin' out the cows
+and sheep.
+
+"Can you wonder that people who keep such an unprofitable stock, come
+out of the small eend of the horn in the long run?"
+
+
+
+No. X
+
+The Road to a Woman's Heart--The Broken Heart.
+
+
+As we approached the inn at Amherst, the Clockmaker grew uneasy.
+
+"It's pretty well on in the evening, I guess," said he, "and Marm
+Pugwash is as onsartain in her temper as a mornin' in April; it's all
+sunshine or all clouds with her, and if she's in one of her tantrums,
+she'll stretch out her neck and hiss, like a goose with a flock of
+goslins. I wonder what on airth Pugwash was a-thinkin' on, when he
+signed articles of partnership with that 'ere woman; she's not a
+bad-lookin' piece of furniture neither, and it's a proper pity sich
+a clever woman should carry such a stiff upper lip--she reminds me
+of our old minister Joshua Hopewell's apple trees.
+
+"The old minister had an orchard of most particular good fruit, for
+he was a great hand at buddin', graftin', and what not, and the
+orchard (it was on the south side of the house) stretched right up to
+the road. Well, there were some trees hung over the fence, I never
+seed such bearers, the apples hung in ropes, for all the world like
+strings of onions, and the fruit was beautiful. Nobody touched the
+minister's apples, and when other folks lost their'n from the boys,
+his'n always hung there like bait to a hook, but there never was so
+much as a nibble at 'em. So I said to him one day, 'Minister,' said
+I, 'how on airth do you manage to keep your fruit that's so exposed,
+when no one else can do it no how?' 'Why,' says he, 'they are
+dreadful pretty fruit, ain't they?' 'I guess,' said I, 'there ain't
+the like on 'em in all Connecticut.' 'Well,' says he, 'I'll tell you
+the secret, but you needn't let on to no one about it. That 'ere row
+next the fence, I grafted it myself, I took great pains to get the
+right kind, I sent clean up to Roxberry, and away down to Squaw-neck
+Creek for ---.' 'I know that, Minister,' said I (for I was afeared
+he was a-goin' to give me day and date for every graft, being a
+terrible long-winded man in his stories), 'I know that,' said I,
+'but how do you preserve them?' 'Why, I was a-goin' to tell you,'
+said he, 'when you stopped me. That 'ere outward row I grafted myself
+with the choicest kind I could find, and I succeeded. They are
+beautiful, but so etarnal sour, no human soul can eat them. Well,
+the boys think the old minister's graftin' has all succeeded about
+as well as that row, and they sarch no farther. They snicker at my
+graftin', and I laugh in my sleeve, I guess, at their penetration.'
+
+"Now, Marm Pugwash is like the minister's apples--very temptin' fruit
+to look at, but desperate sour. If Pugwash had a watery mouth when he
+married, I guess it's pretty puckery by this time. However, if she
+goes to act ugly, I'll give her a dose of 'soft sawder,' that will
+take the frown out of her frontispiece, and make her dial-plate as
+smooth as a lick of copal varnish. It's a pity she's such a kickin'
+devil, too, for she has good points: good eye--good foot--neat
+pastern--fine chest--a clean set of limbs, and carries a good ---.
+But here we are; now you'll see what 'soft sawder' will do."
+
+When we entered the house, the traveller's room was all in darkness,
+and on opening the opposite door into the sitting-room, we found the
+female part of the family extinguishing the fire for the night. Mrs.
+Pugwash had a broom in her hand, and was in the act (the last act of
+female housewifery) of sweeping the hearth. The strong flickering
+light of the fire, as it fell upon her tall fine figure and beautiful
+face, revealed a creature worthy of the Clockmaker's comments.
+
+"Good evening, Marm," said Mr. Slick, "how do you do, and how's Mr.
+Pugwash?"
+
+"He," said she, "why he's been abed this hour, you don't expect to
+disturb him this time of night I hope?"
+
+"Oh no," said Mr. Stick, "certainly not, and I am sorry to have
+disturbed you, but we got detained longer than we expected; I am
+sorry that--"
+
+"So am I," said she, "but if Mr. Pugwash will keep an inn when he has
+no occasion to, his family can't expect no rest."
+
+Here the Clockmaker, seeing the storm gathering, stooped down
+suddenly, and staring intently, held out his hand and exclaimed,
+"Well if that ain't a beautiful child! Come here, my little man and
+shake hands along with me; well, I declare if that 'ere little feller
+ain't the finest child I ever seed! What, not abed yet? Ah, you
+rogue, where did you get them 'ere pretty rosy cheeks; stole 'em
+from mamma, eh? Well, I wish my old mother could see that child,
+it is such a treat. In our country," said he, turning to me, "the
+children are all as pale as chalk, or as yeller as an orange. Lord,
+that 'ere little feller would be a show in our country--come to me my
+man." Here the "soft sawder" began to operate. Mrs. Pugwash said in a
+milder tone than we had yet heard, "Go, my dear to the gentleman; go,
+dear." Mr. Slick kissed him, asked him if he would go to the States
+along with him, told him all the little girls there would fall in
+love with him, for they didn't see such a beautiful face once in a
+month of Sundays. "Black eyes--let me see--ah mamma's eyes too, and
+black hair also; as I am alive, why you are mamma's own boy--the very
+image of mamma."
+
+"Do be seated, gentlemen," said Mrs. Pugwash. "Sally make a fire in
+the next room."
+
+"She ought to be proud of you," he continued. "Well, if I live to
+return here, I must paint your face, and have it put on my clocks,
+and our folks will buy the clocks for the sake of the face. Did you
+ever see," said he, again addressing me, "such a likeness between
+one human and another, as between this beautiful little boy and his
+mother?"
+
+"I am sure you have had no supper," said Mrs. Pugwash to me; "you
+must be hungry and weary, too--I will get you a cup of tea."
+
+"I am sorry to give you so much trouble," said I.
+
+"Not the least trouble in the world," she replied, "on the contrary
+a pleasure."
+
+We were then shown into the next room, where the fire was now blazing
+up, but Mr. Slick protested he could not proceed without the little
+boy, and lingered behind me to ascertain his age, and concluded by
+asking the child if he had any aunts that looked like mamma.
+
+As the door closed, Mr. Slick said, "It's a pity she don't go well
+in gear. The difficulty with those critters is to get them to start,
+arter that there is no trouble with them if you don't check 'em too
+short. If you do, they'll stop again, run back and kick like mad, and
+then Old Nick himself wouldn't start 'em. Pugwash, I guess, don't
+understand the natur' of the critter; she'll never go kind in harness
+for him. When I see a child," said the Clockmaker, "I always feel
+safe with these women folk; for I have always found that the road to
+a woman's heart lies through her child."
+
+"You seem," said I, "to understand the female heart so well, I make
+no doubt you are a general favourite among the fair sex."
+
+"Any man," he replied, "that understands horses, has a pretty
+considerable fair knowledge of women too, for they are jist alike in
+temper, and require the very identical same treatment. Encourage the
+timid ones, be gentle and steady with the fractious, but lather the
+sulky ones like blazes.
+
+"People talk an everlastin' sight of nonsense about wine, women and
+horses. I've bought and sold 'em all, I've traded in all of them, and
+I tell you, there ain't one in a thousand that knows a grain about
+either on 'em. You hear folks say, oh, such a man is an ugly-grained
+critter--he'll break his wife's heart; jist as if a woman's heart was
+as brittle as a pipe stalk. The female heart, as far as my experience
+goes, is jist like a new India rubber shoe; you may pull and pull at
+it, till it stretches out a yard long, and then let go, and it will
+fly right back to its old shape. Their hearts are made of stout
+leather, I tell you; there's a plaguy sight of wear in 'em.
+
+"I never knowed but one case of a broken heart, and that was in
+t'other sex, one Washington Banks. He was a sneezer. He was tall
+enough to spit down on the heads of your grenadiers, and near about
+high enough to wade across Charlestown River, and as strong as a
+towboat. I guess he was somewhat less than a foot longer than the
+moral law and catechism too. He was a perfect pictur' of a man; you
+couldn't falt him in no particular; he was so just a made critter;
+folks used to run to the winder when he passed, and say 'There goes
+Washington Banks, bean't he lovely?' I do believe there wasn't a gal
+in the Lowell factories, that warn't in love with him. Sometimes, at
+intermission, on Sabbath day, when they all came out together (an
+amazin' hansom sight too, near about a whole congregation of young
+gals), Banks used to say, 'I vow, young ladies, I wish I had five
+hundred arms to reciprocate one with each of you; but I reckon I have
+a heart big enough for you all; it's a whapper, you may depend, and
+every mite and morsel of it at your service.' Well, how you do act,
+Mr. Banks, half a thousand little clipper-clapper tongues would say,
+all at the same time, and their dear little eyes sparklin', like so
+many stars twinklin' of a frosty night.
+
+"Well, when I last seed him, he was all skin and bone, like a horse
+turned out to die. He was teetotally defleshed, a mere walkin'
+skeleton. 'I am dreadful sorry,' says I, 'to see you, Banks, lookin'
+so peecked; why you look like a sick turkey hen, all legs; what on
+airth ails you?' 'I'm dyin',' says he, 'of a broken heart.' 'What,'
+says I, 'have the gals been jiltin' you?' 'No, no,' says he, 'I
+bean't such a fool as that neither.' 'Well,' says I, 'have you made a
+bad speculation?' 'No,' says he, shakin' his head, 'I hope I have too
+much clear grit in me to take on so bad for that.' 'What under the
+sun, is it, then?' said I. 'Why,' says he, 'I made a bet the fore
+part of summer with Leftenant Oby Knowles, that I could shoulder the
+best bower of the Constitution frigate. I won my bet, but the Anchor
+was so eternal heavy it broke my heart.' Sure enough he did die that
+very fall, and he was the only instance I ever heerd tell of a broken
+heart."
+
+
+
+No. XI
+
+Cumberland Oysters Produce Melancholy Forebodings.
+
+
+The "soft sawder" of the Clockmaker had operated effectually on the
+beauty of Amherst, our lovely hostess of Pugwash's inn: indeed, I am
+inclined to think, with Mr. Slick, that "the road to a woman's heart
+lies through her child," from the effect produced upon her by the
+praises bestowed on her infant boy.
+
+I was musing on this feminine susceptibility to flattery, when the
+door opened, and Mrs. Pugwash entered, dressed in her sweetest smiles
+and her best cap, an auxiliary by no means required by her charms,
+which, like an Italian sky, when unclouded, are unrivalled in
+splendour. Approaching me, she said, with an irresistible smile,
+"Would you like Mr. ---" (Here there was a pause, a hiatus, evidently
+intended for me to fill up with my name; but that no person knows,
+nor do I intend they shall; at Medley's Hotel, in Halifax, I was
+known as the stranger in No. 1. The attention that incognito procured
+for me, the importance it gave me in the eyes of the master of the
+house, its lodgers and servants, is indescribable. It is only great
+people who travel incog. State travelling is inconvenient and slow;
+the constant weight of form and etiquette oppresses at once the
+strength and the spirits. It is pleasant to travel unobserved, to
+stand at ease, or exchange the full suit for the undress coat and
+fatigue jacket. Wherever too there is mystery there is importance;
+there is no knowing for whom I may be mistaken; but let me once give
+my humble cognomen and occupation, and I sink immediately to my own
+level, to a plebeian station and a vulgar name; not even my beautiful
+hostess, nor my inquisitive friend, the Clockmaker, who calls me
+"Squire," shall extract that secret!) "Would you like, Mr. ---"
+
+"Indeed, I would," said I, "Mrs. Pugwash; pray be seated, and tell me
+what it is."
+
+"Would you like a dish of superior Shittyacks for supper?"
+
+"Indeed I would," said I, again laughing; "but pray tell me what
+it is?"
+
+"Laws me!" said she with a stare, "where have you been all your days,
+that you never heerd of our Shittyack oysters? I thought everybody
+had heerd of them."
+
+"I beg pardon," said I, "but I understood at Halifax, that the only
+oysters in this part of the world were found on the shores of Prince
+Edward Island."
+
+"Oh! dear no," said our hostess, "they are found all along the coast
+from Shittyack, through Bay of Vartes, away up to Ramshag. The latter
+we seldom get, though the best; there is no regular conveyance, and
+when they do come, they are generally shelled and in kegs, and never
+in good order. I have not had a real good Ramshag in my house these
+two years, since Governor Maitland was here; he was amazin' fond of
+them, and lawyer Talkemdeaf sent his carriage there on purpose to
+procure them fresh for him. Now we can't get them, but we have the
+Shittyacks in perfection; say the word, and they shall be served up
+immediately."
+
+A good dish and an unexpected dish is most acceptable, and certainly
+my American friend and myself did ample justice to the oysters,
+which, if they have not so classical a name, have quite as good a
+flavour as their far famed brethren of Milton. Mr. Slick ate so
+heartily, that when he resumed his conversation, he indulged in the
+most melancholy forebodings.
+
+"Did you see that 'ere nigger," said he, "that removed the oyster
+shells? well, he's one of our Chesapickers, one of General Cuffy's
+slaves. I wish Admiral Cockburn had a taken them all off our hands at
+the same time. We made a pretty good sale of them 'ere black cattle,
+I guess, to the British; I wish we were well rid of 'em all. The
+blacks and the whites in the States show their teeth and snarl, they
+are jist ready to fall to. The Protestants and Catholics begin to lay
+back their ears, and turn tail for kickin'. The Abolitionists and
+Planters are at it like two bulls in a pastur'. Mob-law and Lynch-law
+are working like yeast in a barrel, and frothing at the bung hole.
+Nullification and Tariff are like a charcoal pit, all covered up,
+but burning inside, and sending out smoke at every crack, enough to
+stifle a horse. General Government and State Government every now
+and then square off and sparr, and the first blow given will bring a
+genuine set-to. Surplus Revenue is another bone of contention; like
+a shin of beef thrown among a pack of dogs, it will set the whole on
+'em by the ears.
+
+"You have heerd tell of cotton rags dipped in turpentine, havn't
+you, how they produce combustion? Well, I guess we have the elements
+of spontaneous combustion among us in abundance; when it does break
+out, if you don't see an eruption of human gore, worse than Etna
+lava, then I'm mistaken. There'll be the very devil to pay, that's
+a fact. I expect the blacks will butcher the Southern whites, and
+the Northerners will have to turn out and butcher them again; and
+all this shoot, hang, cut, stab, and burn business will sweeten our
+folks' temper, as raw meat does that of a dog--it fairly makes me
+sick to think on it. The explosion may clear the air again, and all
+be tranquil once more, but it's an even chance if it don't leave us
+the three steamboat options: to be blown sky high, to be scalded to
+death, or drowned."
+
+"If this sad picture you have drawn be indeed true to nature, how
+does your country," said I, "appear so attractive, as to draw to it
+so large a portion of our population?"
+
+"It ain't its attraction," said the Clockmaker; "it's nothin' but its
+power of suction; it is a great whirlpool--a great vortex--it drags
+all the straw and chips, and floatin' sticks, drift-wood and trash
+into it. The small crafts are sucked in, and whirl round and round
+like a squirrel in a cage--they'll never come out. Bigger ones pass
+through at certain times of tide, and can come in and out with good
+pilotage, as they do at Hell Gate up the Sound."
+
+"You astonish me," said I, "beyond measure; both your previous
+conversations with me, and the concurrent testimony of all my friends
+who have visited the States, give a different view of it."
+
+"YOUR FRIENDS!" said the Clockmaker, with such a tone of ineffable
+contempt, that I felt a strong inclination to knock him down for
+his insolence, "your friends! Ensigns and leftenants, I guess, from
+the British marchin' regiments in the Colonies, that run over five
+thousand miles of country in five weeks, on leave of absence, and
+then return, lookin' as wise as the monkey that had seen the world.
+When they get back they are so chock full of knowledge of the
+Yankees, that it runs over of itself, like a Hogshead of molasses
+rolled about in hot weather--a white froth and scum bubbles out of
+the bung; wishy-washy trash they call tours, sketches, travels,
+letters, and what not; vapid stuff, jist sweet enough to catch flies,
+cockroaches, and half-fledged gals. It puts me in mind of my French.
+I larnt French at night school one winter, of our minister, Joshua
+Hopewell (he was the most larned man of the age, for he taught
+himself e'enamost every language in Europe); well, next spring, when
+I went to Boston, I met a Frenchman, and I began to jabber away
+French to him: 'Polly woes a french say,' says I. 'I don't understand
+Yankee yet,' says he. 'You don't understand!' says I, 'why it's
+French. I guess you didn't expect to hear such good French, did you,
+away down east here? But we speak it real well, and it's generally
+allowed we speak English, too, better than the British.' 'Oh,' says
+he, 'you one very droll Yankee, dat very good joke, Sare; you talk
+Indian and call it French.' 'But,' says I, 'Mister Mount shear; it is
+French, I vow; real merchantable, without wainy edge or shakes--all
+clear stuff; it will pass survey in any market--it's ready stuck
+and seasoned.' 'Oh, very like,' says he, bowin' as polite as a black
+waiter at New OrLEENS, 'very like, only I never heerd it afore; oh,
+very good French dat--CLEAR STUFF, no doubt, but I no understand--it's
+all my fault, I dare say, Sare.'
+
+"Thinks I to myself, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. I
+see how the cat jumps--Minister knows so many languages he hain't
+been particular enough to keep 'em in separate parcels and mark 'em
+on the back, and they've got mixed, and sure enough I found my French
+was so overrun with other sorts, that it was better to lose the whole
+crop than to go to weedin', for as fast as I pulled up any strange
+seedlin', it would grow right up agin as quick as wink, if there was
+the least bit of root in the world left in the ground, so I let it
+all rot on the field.
+
+"There is no way so good to larn French as to live among 'em, and if
+you WANT TO UNDERSTAND US, YOU MUST LIVE AMONG US, TOO; your Halls,
+Hamiltons, and De Rouses, and such critters, what can they know of
+us? Can a chap catch a likeness flyin' along a railroad? Can he even
+see the feature? Old Admiral Anson once axed one of our folks afore
+our glorious Revolution (if the British had a known us a little
+grain better at that time, they wouldn't have got whipped like a sack
+as they did then), where he came from. 'From the Chesapeeke,' said he.
+'Aye, aye,' said the Admiral, 'from the West Indies.' 'I guess,' said
+the Southaner, 'you may have been clean round the world, Admiral, but
+you have been plaguy little in it, not to know better nor that.'
+
+"I shot a wild goose at River Philip last year, with the rice of
+Varginny fresh in his crop; he must have cracked on near about as
+fast as them other geese, the British travellers. Which know'd the
+most of the country they passed over, do you suppose? I guess it
+was much of a muchness--near about six of one and a half dozen of
+t'other; two eyes ain't much better than one, if they are both blind.
+
+"No, if you want to know all about us and the Bluenoses (a pretty
+considerable share of Yankee blood in them too, I tell you; the old
+stock comes from New England, and the breed is tolerable pure yet,
+near about one half apple sarce, and t'other half molasses, all
+except to the East'ard, where there is a cross of the Scotch), jist
+ax me and I'll tell you candidly. I'm not one of them that can't see
+no good points in my neighbour's critter, and no bad ones in my own;
+I've seen too much of the world for that, I guess. Indeed, in a
+general way, I praise other folks' beasts, and keep dark about my
+own. Says I, when I meet Bluenose mounted, 'that's a real smart horse
+of your'n, put him out, I guess he'll trot like mad.' Well, he lets
+him have the spur, and the critter does his best, and then I pass
+him like a streak of lightning with mine. The feller looks all taken
+aback at that. 'Why,' says he, 'that's a real clipper of your'n, I
+vow.' 'Middlin',' says I (quite cool, as if I had heard that 'ere
+same thing a thousand times), 'he's good enough for me, jist a fair
+trotter, and nothin' to brag of. That goes near about as far agin in
+a general way, as a crackin' and a boastin' does. Never TELL folks
+you can go a head on 'em, but DO it; it spares a great deal of talk,
+and helps them to save their breath to cool their broth.
+
+"No, if you want to know the inns and the outs of the Yankees--I've
+wintered them and summered them; I know all their points, shape,
+make and breed; I've tried 'em alongside of other folks, and I know
+where they fall short, where they mate 'em, and where they have the
+advantage, about as well as some who think they know a plaguy sight
+more. It ain't them that stare the most, that see the best always, I
+guess. Our folks have their faults, and I know them (I warn't born
+blind, I reckon), but your friends, the tour writers, are a little
+grain too hard on us. Our old nigger wench had several dirty,
+ugly-lookin' children, and was proper cross to 'em. Mother used
+to say, 'Juno, it's better never to wipe a child's nose at all, I
+guess, than to wring it off.'"
+
+
+
+No. XII
+
+The American Eagle.
+
+
+"Jist look out of the door," said the Clockmaker, "and see what a
+beautiful night it is, how calm, how still, how clear it is; bean't
+it lovely? I like to look up at them 'ere stars, when I am away from
+home; they put me in mind of our national flag, and it is generally
+allowed to be the first flag in the univarse now. The British can
+whip all the world, and we can whip the British. It's near about the
+prettiest sight I know of, is one of our first class Frigates, manned
+with our free and enlightened citizens all ready for sea; it's like
+the great American Eagle, on its perch, balancing itself for a start
+on the broad expanse of blue sky, afeared of nothin' of its kind, and
+president of all it surveys. It was a good emblem that we chose,
+warn't it?"
+
+There was no evading so direct, and at the same time, so conceited
+an appeal as this. "Certainly," said I, "the emblem was well chosen.
+I was particularly struck with it on observing the device on your
+naval buttons during the last war--an eagle with an anchor in its
+claws. That was a natural idea, taken from an ordinary occurrence:
+a bird purloining the anchor of a frigate--an article so useful
+and necessary for the food of its young. It was well chosen, and
+exhibited great taste and judgment in the artist. The emblem is
+more appropriate than you are aware of--boasting of what you cannot
+perform--grasping at what you cannot attain--an emblem of arrogance
+and weakness--of ill-directed ambition and vulgar pretension."
+
+"It's a common phrase," said he with great composure, "among seamen,
+to say 'Damn your buttons,' and I guess it's natural for you to say
+so of the buttons of our navals; I guess you have a right to that
+'ere oath. It's a sore subject, that, I reckon, and I believe I
+hadn't ought to have spoken of it to you at all. Brag is a good dog,
+but hold fast is a better one."
+
+He was evidently annoyed, and with his usual dexterity gave vent
+to his feelings by a sally upon the Bluenoses, who he says are a
+cross of English and Yankee, and therefore first cousins to us both.
+"Perhaps," said he, "that 'ere Eagle might with more propriety have
+been taken off as perched on an anchor, instead of holding it in his
+claws, and I think it would have been more nateral; but I suppose it
+was some stupid foreign artist that made that 'ere blunder, I never
+seed one yet that was equal to our'n. If that Eagle is represented as
+trying what he can't do, it's an honourable ambition arter all, but
+these Bluenoses won't try what they can do. They put me in mind of a
+great big hulk of a horse in a cart, that won't put his shoulder to
+the collar at all for all the lambastin' in the world, but turns his
+head round and looks at you, as much as to say, 'what an everlastin'
+heavy thing an empty cart is, isnt it?' An Owl should be their
+emblem, and the motto, 'He sleeps all the days of his life.' The
+whole country is like this night; beautiful to look at, but silent
+as the grave--still as death, asleep, becalmed.
+
+"If the sea was always calm," said he, "it would pyson the univarse;
+no soul could breathe the air, it would be so uncommon bad. Stagnant
+water is always unpleasant, but salt water when it gets tainted
+beats all natur'; motion keeps it sweet and wholesome, and that our
+minister used to say is one of the 'wonders of the great deep.' This
+province is stagnant; it ain't deep like still water neither, for
+it's shaller enough, gracious knows, but it is motionless, noiseless,
+lifeless. If you have ever been to sea, in a calm, you'd know what
+a plaguy tiresome thing it is for a man that's in a hurry. An
+everlastin' flappin' of the sails, and a creakin' of the boombs, and
+an onsteady pitchin' of the ship, and folks lyin' about dozin' away
+their time, and the sea a-heavin' a long heavy swell, like the
+breathin' of the chist of some great monster asleep. A passenger
+wonders the sailors are so plagy easy about it, and he goes a-lookin'
+out east, and a-spyin' out west, to see if there's any chance of a
+breeze, and says to himself 'Well, if this ain't dull music it's a
+pity.' Then how streaked he feels when he sees a steamboat a-clippin'
+it by him like mad, and the folks on board pokin' fun at him, and
+askin' him if he has any word to send to home. 'Well,' he says, 'if
+any soul ever catches me on board a sail vessel again, when I can go
+by steam, I'll give him leave to tell me of it, that's a fact.'
+
+"That's partly the case here. They are becalmed, and they see us
+going ahead on them, till we are e'enamost clean out of sight; yet
+they hain't got a steamboat, and they hain't got a railroad; indeed,
+I doubt if one half on 'em ever seed or heerd tell of one or t'other
+of them. I never seed any folks like 'em except the Indians, and they
+won't even so much as look--they havn't the least morsel of curiosity
+in the world; from which one of our Unitarian preachers (they are
+dreadful hands at DOUBTIN' them. I don't DOUBT but some day or
+another, they will DOUBT whether everything ain't a DOUBT), in a very
+learned work, doubts whether they were ever descended from Eve at
+all. Old marm Eve's children, he says, are all lost, it is said, in
+consequence of TOO MUCH curiosity, while these copper coloured folks
+are lost from havin' TOO LITTLE little. How can they be the same?
+Thinks I, that may be logic, old Dubersome, but it ain't sense,
+don't extremes meet? Now these Bluenoses have no motion in 'em, no
+enterprise, no spirit, and if any critter shows any symptoms of
+activity, they say he is a man of no judgment, he's speculative, he's
+a schemer, in short he's mad. They vegitate like a lettuce plant in
+sarse garden, they grow tall and, spindlin', run to seed right off,
+grow as bitter as gaul and die."
+
+"A gal once came to our minister to hire as a house-help; says she,
+'Minister, I suppose you don't want a young lady to do chamber
+business and breed worms do you? For I've half a mind to take a spell
+of livin' out.' She meant," said the Clockmaker, "house work and
+rearing silk-worms. 'My pretty maiden,' says he, a-pattin' her on the
+cheek (for I've often observed old men always talk kinder pleasant
+to young women), 'my pretty maiden where was you brought up?' 'Why,'
+says she, 'I guess I warn't brought up at all, I growed up.' 'Under
+what platform,' says he (for he was very particular that all his
+house-helps should go to his meetin'), 'under what Church platform?'
+'Church platform!' says she, with a toss of her head, like a young
+colt that's got a check of the curb, 'I guess I warn't raised under a
+platform at all, but in as good a house as your'n, grand as you be.'
+'You said well,' said the old minister, quite shocked, 'when you said
+you growed up, dear, for you have grown up in great ignorance.' 'Then
+I guess you had better get a lady that knows more than me,' says she,
+'that's flat. I reckon I am every bit and grain as good as you be. If
+I don't understand a bum-byx (silk-worm), both feedin', breedin', and
+rearin', then I want to know who does, that's all; church platform
+indeed!' says she; 'I guess you were raised under a glass frame in
+March, and transplanted on Independence day, warn't you?' And off
+she sot, lookin' as scorney as a London lady, and leavin' the poor
+minister standin' starin' like a stuck pig. 'Well, well,' says he,
+a-liftin' up both hands, and turnin' up the whites of his eyes like a
+duck in thunder, 'if that don't bang the bush! It fearly beats sheep
+shearin' arter the blackberry bushes have got the wool. It does, I
+vow; them are the tares them Unitarians sow in our grain fields at
+night; I guess they'll ruinate the crops yet, and make the grounds
+so everlastin' foul; we'll have to pare the sod and burn it, to kill
+the roots. Our fathers sowed the right seed here in the wilderness,
+and watered it with their tears, and watched over it with fastin' and
+prayer, and now it's fairly run out, that's a fact, I snore. It's got
+choked up with all sorts of trash in, natur', I declare. Dear, dear,
+I vow I never seed the beat o' that in all my born days.'
+
+"Now the Bluenoses are like that 'ere gal; they have grown up,
+and grown up in ignorance of many things they hadn't ought not to
+know; and it's as hard to teach grown-up folks as it is to break a
+six-year-old horse; and they do rile one's temper so--they act so
+ugly that it tempts one sometimes to break their confounded necks;
+it's near about as much trouble as it's worth."
+
+"What remedy is there for all this supineness," said I; "how can
+these people be awakened out of their ignorant slothfulness, into
+active exertion?"
+
+"The remedy," said Mr. Slick, "is at hand--it is already workin' its
+own cure. They must recede before our free and enlightened citizens
+like the Indians; our folks will buy them out, and they must give
+place to a more intelligent and ac-TIVE people. They must go to the
+lands of Labrador, or be located back of Canada; they can hold on
+there a few years, until the wave of civilization reaches them,
+and then they must move again, as the savages do. It is decreed; I
+hear the bugle of destiny a-soundin' of their retreat, as plain as
+anything. Congress will give them a concession of land, if they
+petition, away to Alleghany's backside territory, and grant them
+relief for a few years; for we are out of debt, and don't know what
+to do with our surplus revenue. The only way to shame them, that I
+know, would be to sarve them as Uncle Enoch sarved a neighbour of his
+in Varginny.
+
+"There was a lady that had a plantation near hand to his'n, and
+there was only a small river atwixt the two houses, so that folks
+could hear each other talk across it. Well, she was a dreadful
+cross-grained woman, a real catamount, as savage as a she bear that
+has cubs, an old farrow critter, as ugly as sin, and one that both
+hooked and kicked too--a most particular onmarciful she-devil, that's
+a fact. She used to have some of her niggers tied up every day,
+and flogged uncommon severe, and their screams and screeches were
+horrid--no soul could stand it; nothin' was heerd all day, but 'Oh
+Lord Missus! Oh Lord Missus!' Enoch was fairly sick of the sound, for
+he was a tender-hearted man, and says he to her one day, 'Now do marm
+find out some other place to give your cattle the cowskin, for it
+worries me to hear 'em take on so dreadful bad; I can't stand it, I
+vow; they are flesh and blood as well as we be, though the meat is
+a different colour.' But it was no good; she jist up and told him
+to mind his own business, and she guessed she'd mind her'n. He was
+determined to shame her out of it; so one mornin' after breakfast he
+goes into the cane field, and says he to Lavender, one of the black
+overseers, 'Muster up the whole gang of slaves, every soul, and bring
+'em down to the whippin' post, the whole stock of them, bulls, cows
+and calves.' Well, away goes Lavender, and drives up all the niggers.
+'Now you catch it,' says he, 'you lazy villains; I tole you so
+many a time--I tole you Massa he lose all patience wid you, you
+good-for-nothin' rascals. I grad, upon my soul, I werry grad; you
+mind now what old Lavender say anoder time.' The black overseers are
+always the most cruel," said the Clockmaker; "they have no sort of
+feeling for their own people.
+
+"Well, when they were gathered there according to orders, they
+looked streaked enough you may depend, thinkin' they were going to
+get it all round, and the wenches they fell to a-cryin', wringin'
+their hands, and boo-hooing like mad. Lavender was there with his
+cowskin, grinnin' like a chessy cat, and crackin' it about, ready
+for business. 'Pick me out,' says Enoch, 'four that have the loudest
+voices.' 'Hard matter dat,' says Lavender, 'hard matter dat, Massa,
+dey all talk loud, dey all lub talk more better nor work--de idle
+villians; better gib 'em all a little tickle, jist to teach 'em larf
+on t'other side of de mouth; dat side bran' new, they never use it
+yet.' 'Do as I order you, sir,' said Uncle, 'or I'll have you triced
+up, you cruel old rascal you.' When they were picked out and sot by
+themselves, they hanged their heads, and looked like sheep goin' to
+the shambles. 'Now, says Uncle Enoch, my pickininnies, do you sing
+out as loud as Niagara, at the very tip eend of your voice--
+
+  '"Don't kill a nigger, pray,
+    Let him lib anoder day.
+        Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus!
+
+  '"My back be very sore,
+    No stand it any more,
+        Oh Lord Missus--oh Lord Missus!"
+
+And all the rest of you join chorus, as loud as you can bawl, "Oh
+Lord Missus."' The black rascals understood the joke real well.
+They larfed ready to split their sides; they fairly lay down on the
+ground, and rolled over and over with lafter. Well, when they came
+to the chorus 'Oh Lord Missus,' if they didn't let go, it's a pity.
+They made the river ring agin--they were heerd clean out to sea. All
+the folks ran out of the Lady's House, to see what on airth was the
+matter on Uncle Enoch's plantation--they thought there was actilly a
+rebellion there; but when they listened awhile, and heerd it over
+and over again, they took the hint, and returned a-larfin' in their
+sleeves. Says they, 'Master Enoch Slick, he upsides with Missus this
+hitch anyhow.' Uncle never heerd anything more of 'Oh Lord Missus'
+arter that Yes, they ought to be shamed out of it, those Bluenoses.
+When reason fails to convince, there is nothin' left but ridicule.
+If they have no ambition, apply to their feelings, slap a blister on
+their pride, and it will do the business. It's like a-puttin' ginger
+under a horse's tail; it makes him carry up real handSUM, I tell
+you. When I was a boy, I was always late to school: well father's
+preachin' I didn't mind much, but I never could bear to hear mother
+say, 'Why Sam, are you actilly up for all day? Well, I hope your
+airly risin' won't hurt you, I declare. What on airth is a-goin' to
+happen now?' Well, wonders will never cease. It raised my dander; at
+last says I, 'Now, mother, don't say that 'ere any more for gracious
+sake, for it makes me feel ugly, and I'll get up as airly as any on
+you,' and so I did, and I soon found what's worth knowin' in this
+life--An airly start makes easy stages."
+
+
+
+No. XIII
+
+The Clockmaker's Opinion of Halifax.
+
+
+The next morning was warmer than several that had preceded it. It was
+one of those uncommonly fine days that distinguish an American autumn.
+
+"I guess," said Mr. Slick, "the heat today is like a glass of mint
+julip, with a lump of ice in it, it tastes cool and feels warm;
+it's real good, I tell you. I love such a day as this dearly. It's
+generally allowed the finest weather in the world is in America;
+there ain't the beat of it to be found anywhere." He then lighted
+a cigar, and throwing himself back on his chair, put both feet out
+of the window, and sat with his arms folded, a perfect picture of
+happiness.
+
+"You appear," said I, "to have travelled over the whole of this
+Province, and to have observed the country and the people with much
+attention; pray what is your opinion of the present state and future
+prospects of Halifax?"
+
+"If you will tell me," said he, "when the folks there will wake up,
+then I can answer you, but they are fast asleep. As to the Province,
+it's a splendid province, and calculated to go ahead, it will grow
+as fast as a Varginny gal; and they grow so amazin' fast, if you put
+your arm round one of their necks to kiss them, by the time you're
+done, they've grown up into women. It's a pretty Province I tell you,
+good above and better below; surface covered with pastures, meadows,
+woods, and a 'nation sight of water privileges, and under the ground
+full of mines--it puts me in mind of the soup at the TREE-mont House.
+
+"One day I was a-walkin' in the Mall, and who should I meet but Major
+Bradford, a gentleman from Connecticut, that traded in calves and
+pumpkins for the Boston market. Says he, 'Slick, where do you get
+your grub today?' 'At General Peep's tavern,' says I. 'Only fit for
+niggers,' says he, 'why don't you come to the TREE-mont house, that's
+the most splendid thing, it's generally allowed, in all the world.'
+'Why,' says I, 'that's a notch above my mark; I guess it's too plagy
+dear for me, I can't afford it no how.' 'Well,' says he, 'it's dear
+in one sense, but it's dog cheap in another--it's a grand place for
+speculation. There's so many rich southerners and strangers there
+that have more money than wit, that you might do a pretty good
+business there, without goin' out of the street door. I made two
+hundred dollars this mornin' in little less than half no time.
+There's a Carolina lawyer there, as rich as a bank, and says he to
+me arter breakfast, "Major," says he, "I wish I knew where to get a
+real slapping trotter of a horse, one that could trot with a flash
+of lightning for a mile, and beat it by a whole neck or so." Says I,
+"My Lord," for you must know, he says he's the nearest male heir to
+a Scotch dormant peerage, "my Lord," says I, "I have one, a proper
+sneezer, a chap that can go ahead of a railroad steamer, a real
+natural traveller, one that can trot with the ball out of the small
+eend of a rifle, and never break into a gallop." Says he, "Major,
+I wish you wouldn't give me that 'ere nickname, I don't like it,"
+though he looked as tickled all the time as possible; "I never knew,"
+says he, "a lord that warn't a fool, that's a fact, and that's the
+reason I don't go ahead and claim the title." "Well," says I, "my
+Lord I don't know, but somehow I can't help a-thinkin', if you have
+a good claim, you'd be more like a fool not to go ahead with it."
+"Well," says he, "lord or no lord, let's look at your horse." So away
+I went to Joe Brown's livery stable, at t'other eend of the city, and
+picked out the best trotter he had, and no great stick to brag on
+either; says I, "Joe Brown what do you ax for that 'ere horse?" "Two
+hundred dollars," says he. "Well," says I, "I will take him out and
+try him, and if I like him I will keep him." So I shows our Carolina
+Lord the horse, and when he gets on him, says I, "Don't let him trot
+as fast as he can, resarve that for a heat; if folks find out how
+everlastin' fast he is, they'd be afeared to stump you for a start."
+When he returned, he said he liked the horse amazinly, and axed the
+price; "four hundred dollars," says I, "you can't get nothin' special
+without a good price, pewter cases never hold good watches." "I know
+it," says he, "the horse is mine." Thinks I to myself, that's more
+than ever I could say of him then anyhow.'
+
+"Well, I was goin' to tell you about the soup; says the Major, 'It's
+near about dinner time, jist come and see how you like the location.'
+There was a sight of folks there, gentlemen and ladies in the public
+room--I never seed so many afore except at commencement day--all
+ready for a start, and when the gong sounded, off we sot like a flock
+of sheep. Well, if there warn't a jam you may depend; some one give
+me a pull, and I near abouts went heels up over head, so I reached
+out both hands, and caught hold of the first thing I could, and what
+should it be but a lady's dress--well, as I'm alive, rip went the
+frock, and tear goes the petticoat, and when I righted myself from
+my beam eends, away they all came home to me, and there she was, the
+pretty critter, with all her upper riggin' standin' as far as her
+waist, and nothin' left below but a short linen under-garment. If she
+didn't scream, it's a pity, and the more she screamed the more folks
+larfed, for no soul could help larfin', till one of the waiters
+folded her up in a tablecloth.
+
+"'What an awkward devil you be, Slick,' says the Major; 'now that
+comes of not falling in first; they should have formed four deep,
+rear rank in open order, and marched in to our splendid national air,
+and filed off to their seats right and left shoulders forward. I feel
+kinder sorry, too,' says he, 'for that 'ere young heifer; but she
+showed a proper pretty leg tho' Slick, didn't she? I guess you don't
+often get such a chance as that 'ere.' Well, I gets near the Major at
+table, and afore me stood a china utensil with two handles, full of
+soup, about the size of a foot-tub, with a large silver scoop in it,
+near about as big as a ladle of a maple sugar kettle. I was jist
+about bailing out some soup into my dish, when the Major said, 'Fish
+it up from the bottom, Slick.' Well, sure enough, I gives it a drag
+from the bottom, and up come the fat pieces of turtle, and the thick
+rich soup, and a sight of little forced meat balls of the size of
+sheep's dung. No soul could tell how good it was; it was near about
+as handSUM as father's old genuine particular cider, and that you
+could feel tingle clean away down to the tip eends of your toes.
+'Now,' says the Major, 'I'll give you, Slick, a new wrinkle on your
+horn. Folks ain't thought nothin' of unless they live at Treemont:
+it's all the go. Do you dine at Peep's tavern every day, and then off
+hot foot to Treemont, and pick your teeth on the street steps there,
+and folks will think you dine there. I do it often, and it saves two
+dollars a day.' Then he put his finger on his nose, and says he, 'Mum
+is the word.'
+
+"Now, this Province is jist like that 'ere soup--good enough at top,
+but dip down and you have the riches, the coal, the iron ore, the
+gypsum, and what not. As for Halifax, it's well enough in itself,
+though no great shakes neither, a few sizeable houses, with a proper
+sight of small ones, like half a dozen old hens with their broods of
+young chickens; but the people, the strange critters, they are all
+asleep. They walk in their sleep, and talk in their sleep, and what
+they say one day they forget the next; they say they were dreaming.
+You know where Governor Campbell lives, don't you, in a large stone
+house with a great wall round it, that looks like a state prison;
+well, near hand there is a nasty dirty horrid-lookin' buryin' ground
+there; it's filled with large grave rats as big as kittens, and the
+springs of black water there go through the chinks of the rocks and
+flow into all the wells, and fairly pyson the folks; it's a dismal
+place, I tell you; I wonder the air from it don't turn all the silver
+in the Governor's house of a brass colour--and folks say he has four
+cart loads of it--it's so everlastin' bad; it's near about as nosey
+as a slave ship of niggers. Well you may go there and shake the folks
+to all etarnity and you won't wake 'em, I guess, and yet there ain't
+much difference atween their sleep and the folks at Halifax, only
+they lie still there and are quiet, and don't walk and talk in their
+sleep like them above ground.
+
+"Halifax reminds me of a Russian officer I once seed at Warsaw; he
+had lost both arms in battle--but I guess I must tell you first
+why I went there, 'cause that will show you how we speculate. One
+Sabbath day, after bell ringin', when most of the women had gone
+to meetin'--for they were great hands for pretty sarmons, and our
+Unitarian ministers all preach poetry, only they leave the rhyme
+out; it sparkles like perry--I goes down to East India wharf to see
+Captain Zeek Hancock, of Nantucket, to enquire how oil was, and if
+it it would bear doin' anything in; when who should come along but
+Jabish Green. 'Slick,' says he, 'how do you do; isn't this as pretty
+a day as you'll see between this and Norfolk; it whips English
+weather by a long chalk;' and then he looked down at my watch seals,
+and looked and looked as if he thought I'd stole 'em. At last he
+looks up, and says he, 'Slick, I suppose you wouldn't go to Warsaw,
+would you, if it was made worth your while?' 'Which Warsaw?' says I,
+for I believe in my heart we have a hundred of 'em. 'None of our'n
+at all,' says he; 'Warsaw in Poland.' 'Well, I don't know,' says I;
+'what do you call worth while?' 'Six dollars a day, expenses paid,
+and a bonus of one thousand dollars, if speculation turns out well.'
+'I am off,' says I, 'whenever you say go.' 'Tuesday,' says he, 'in
+the Hamburg packet. Now,' says he, 'I'm in a tarnation hurry; I'm
+goin' a-pleasurin' today in the Custom House Boat, along with Josiah
+Bradford's gals down to Nahant. But I'll tell you what I am at: the
+Emperor of Russia has ordered the Poles to cut off their queues on
+the 1st of January; you must buy them all up, and ship them off to
+London for the wig makers. Human hair is scarce and risin'. 'Lord a
+massy!' says I, 'how queer they will look, won't they. Well, I vow,
+that's what the sea folks call sailing under bare poles, come true,
+ain't it?' 'I guess it will turn out a good spec,' says he; and a
+good one it did turn out--he cleared ten thousand dollars by it.
+
+"When I was at Warsaw, as I was a-sayin', there was a Russian officer
+there who had lost both his arms in battle; a good-natured contented
+critter, as I e'enamost ever seed, and he was fed with spoons by his
+neighbours, but arter awhile they grew tired of it, and I guess he
+near about starved to death at last. Now Halifax is like that 'ere
+SPOONEY, as I used to call him; it is fed by the outports, and they
+begin to have enough to do to feed themselves; it must larn to live
+without 'em. They have no river, and no country about 'em; let them
+make a railroad to Minas Basin, and they will have arms of their own
+to feed themselves with. If they don't do it, and do it soon, I guess
+they'll get into a decline that no human skill will cure. They are
+proper thin now; you can count their ribs e'enamost as far as you can
+see them. The only thing that will either make or save Halifax, is a
+railroad across the country to Bay of Fundy.
+
+"'It will do to talk of,' says one. 'You'll see it some day,' says
+another. 'Yes,' says a third, 'it will come, but we are too young
+yet.'
+
+"Our old minister had a darter, a real clever-lookin' gal as you'd
+see in a day's ride, and she had two or three offers of marriage from
+'sponsible men--most particular good specs--but minister always said,
+'Phoebe, you are too young--the day will come--but you are too young
+yet dear.' Well, Phoebe didn't think so at all; she said she guessed
+she knew better nor that: so the next offer she had, she said she had
+no notion to lose another chance--off she shot to Rhode Island and
+got married. Says she, 'Father's too old, he don't know.' That's jist
+the case at Halifax. The old folks say the country is too young, the
+time will come, and so on; and in the meantime the young folks won't
+wait, and run off to the States, where the maxim is, 'Youth is the
+time for improvement; a new country is never too young for exertion;
+push on--keep movin--go ahead.'
+
+"Darn it all," said the Clockmaker, rising with great animation,
+clinching his fist, and extending his arm, "darn it all, it
+fairly makes my dander rise, to see the nasty idle, loungin'
+good-for-nothin', do-little critters; they ain't fit to tend a
+bear-trap, I vow. They ought to be quilted round and round a room,
+like a lady's lap-dog, the matter of two hours a day, to keep them
+from dyin' of apoplexy."
+
+"Hush, hush!" said I, "Mr. Slick, you forget."
+
+"Well," said he, resuming his usual composure, "well, it's enough to
+make one vexed though, I declare--isn't it?"
+
+Mr. Slick has often alluded to this subject, and always in a most
+decided manner. I am inclined to think he is right. Mr. Howe's papers
+on the railroad I read till I came to his calculations, but I never
+could read figures, "I can't cipher," and there I paused; it was a
+barrier: I retreated a few paces, took a running leap, and cleared
+the whole of them. Mr. Slick says he has UNDER and not OVER rated its
+advantages. He appears to be such a shrewd, observing, intelligent
+man, and so perfectly at home on these subjects, that I confess I
+have more faith in this humble but eccentric Clockmaker, than in any
+other man I have met with in this Province. I therefore pronounce
+"there will be a railroad."
+
+
+
+No. XIV
+
+Sayings and Doings in Cumberland.
+
+
+"I reckon," said the Clockmaker, as we strolled through Amherst, "you
+have read Hook's story of the boy that one day asked one of his
+father's guests who his next door neighbour was, and when he heerd
+his name, asked him if he warn't a fool. 'No, my little feller,' said
+he, 'he bean't a fool, he is a most particular sensible man; but why
+did you ax that 'ere question?' 'Why,' said the little boy, 'mother
+said t'other day you were next door to a fool, and I wanted to know
+who lived next door to you.' His mother felt pretty ugly, I guess,
+when she heerd him run right slap on that 'ere breaker.
+
+"Now these Cumberland folks have curious next door neighbours, too;
+they are placed by their location right atwixt fire and water; they
+have New Brunswick politics on one side, and Nova Scotia politics
+on t'other side of them, and Bay Fundy and Bay Varte on t'other two
+sides; they are actilly in hot water; they are up to their cruppers
+in politics, and great hands for talking of House of Assembly,
+political Unions, and what not. Like all folks who wade so deep, they
+can't always tell the natur' of the ford. Sometimes they strike their
+shins agin a snag of a rock; at other times they go whap into a
+quicksand, and if they don't take special care they are apt to go
+souse over head and ears into deep water. I guess if they'd talk more
+of ROTATION, and less of ELECTIONS, more of them 'ere DYKES, and less
+of BANKS, and attend more to TOP-DRESSING, and less to RE-DRESSING,
+it'd be better for 'em."
+
+"Now you mention the subject, I think I have observed," said I, "that
+there is a great change in your countrymen in that respect. Formerly,
+whenever you met an American, you had a dish of politics set before
+you, whether you had an appetite for it or not; but lately I have
+remarked they seldom allude to it. Pray to what is this
+attributable?"
+
+"I guess," said he, "they have enough of it to home, and are sick
+of the subject. They are cured the way our pastry cooks cure their
+'prentices of stealing sweet notions out of their shops. When they
+get a new 'prentice they tell him he must never so much as look at
+all them 'ere nice things; and if he dares to lay the weight of his
+finger upon one on 'em, they'll have him up for it before a justice;
+they tell him it's every bit and grain as bad as stealing from a
+till. Well, that's sure to set him at it, just as a high fence does a
+breachy ox, first to look over it, and then to push it down with its
+rump; it's human natur'. Well, the boy eats and eats till he can't eat
+no longer, and then he gets sick at his stomach, and hates the very
+sight of sweetmeats arterwards.
+
+"We've had politics with us, till we're dog sick of 'em, I tell you.
+Besides, I guess we are as far from perfection as when we set out
+a-rowin' for it. You may get purity of Election, but how are you to
+get purity of Members? It would take a great deal of ciphering to
+tell that. I never seed it yet, and never heerd tell of one who had
+seed it.
+
+"The best member I e'enamost ever seed was John Adams. Well, John
+Adams could no more plough a straight furrow in politics than he
+could haul the plough himself. He might set out straight at beginnin'
+for a little way, but he was sure to get crooked afore he got to the
+eend of the ridge--and sometimes he would have two or three crooks in
+it. I used to say to him, 'How on airth is it, Mr. Adams'--for he was
+no way proud like, though he was president of our great nation, and
+it is allowed to be the greatest nation in the world, too; for you
+might see him sometimes of an arternoon, a-swimmin' along with the
+boys in the Potomac; I do believe that's the way he larned to give
+the folks the dodge so spry--well, I used to say to him, 'How on
+airth is it, Mr. Adams, you can't make straight work on it?' He was a
+grand hand at an excuse, though minister used to say that folks that
+were good at an excuse, were seldom good for nothin' else; sometimes
+he said the ground was so tarnation stony, it throwed the plough out;
+at other times he said the off ox was such an ugly wilful-tempered
+critter, there was no doin' nothin' with him; or that there was so
+much machinery about the plough, it made it plagy hard to steer; or
+maybe it was the fault of them that went afore him, that they laid it
+down so bad; unless he was hired for another term of four years, the
+work wouldn't look well; and if all them 'ere excuses wouldn't do,
+why he would take to scolding the nigger that drove the team, throw
+all the blame on him, and order him to have an everlastin' lacin'
+with the cowskin. You might as well catch a weasel asleep as catch
+him. He had somethin' the matter with one eye; well, he knew I know'd
+that when I was a boy; so one day, a feller presented a petition to
+him, and he told him it was very affectin'. Says he, 'it fairly draws
+tears from me,' and his weak eye took to lettin' off its water like
+statiee so as soon as the chap went, he winks to me with t'other one,
+quite knowin', as much as to say, 'You see it's all in my eye, Slick,
+but don't let on to any one about it, that I said so.' That eye was a
+regular cheat, a complete New England wooden nutmeg. Folks said Mr.
+Adams was a very tender-hearted man. Perhaps he was, but I guess that
+eye didn't pump its water out o' that place.
+
+"Members in general ain't to be depended on, I tell you. Politics
+makes a man as crooked as a pack does a peddler; not that they are so
+awful heavy, neither, but it TEACHES A MAN TO STOOP IN THE LONG RUN.
+Arter all, there's not that difference in 'em--at least there ain't
+in Congress--one would think; for if one on 'em is clear of one
+vice, why, as like as not, he has another fault just as bad. An
+honest farmer, like one of these Cumberland folks, when he goes
+to choose atwixt two that offers for votes, is jist like the
+flying-fish. That 'ere little critter is not content to stay to home
+in the water, and mind its business, but he must try his hand at
+flyin', and he is no great dab at flyin', neither. Well, the moment
+he's out of water, and takes to flyin', the sea fowl are arter him,
+and let him have it; and if he has the good luck to escape them, and
+makes a dive into the sea, the dolphin, as like as not, has a dig at
+him, that knocks more wind out of him than he got while aping the
+birds, a plagy sight. I guess the Bluenose knows jist about as much
+about politics as this foolish fish knows about flyin'. All the
+critters in natur' are better in their own element.
+
+"It beats cock-fightin', I tell you, to hear the Bluenoses, when
+they get together, talk politics. They have got three or four evil
+spirits, like the Irish Banshees, that they say cause all the
+mischief in the province: the council, the banks, the house of
+assembly and the lawyers. If a man places a higher valiation on
+himself than his neighbours do, and wants to be a magistrate before
+he is fit to carry the ink horn for one, and finds himself safely
+delivered of a mistake, he says it is all owing to the Council. The
+members are cunnin' critters, too; they know this feelin', and when
+they come home from Assembly, and people ax 'em, 'where are all them
+'ere fine things you promised us?' 'Why,' they say, 'we'd a had 'em
+all for you, but for that etarnal Council, they nullified all we
+did.' The country will come to no good till them chaps show their
+respect for it, by covering their bottoms with homespun. If a man is
+so tarnation lazy he won't work, and in course has no money, why he
+says it's all owin' to the banks, they won't discount, there's no
+money, they've ruined the Province. If there bean't a road made up to
+every citizen's door, away back to the woods--who as like as not has
+squatted there--why he says the House of Assembly have voted all the
+money to pay great men's salaries, and there's nothin' left for poor
+settlers, and cross roads. Well, the lawyers come in for their share
+of cake and ale, too; if they don't catch it, it's a pity.
+
+"There was one Jim Munroe of Onion County, Connecticut, a desperate
+idle fellow, a great hand at singin' songs, a-skatin', drivin' about
+with the gals, and so on. Well, if anybody's windows were broke, it
+was Jim Munroe, if any man's horse lost a tail, or anybody's dog got
+a kettle tied on to his'n, it was Jim Munroe, and if there were any
+youngsters in want of a father, they were sure to be poor Jim's. Jist
+so it is with the lawyers here; they stand Godfathers for every
+misfortune that happens in the country. When there is a mad dog
+a-goin' about, every dog that barks is said to be bit by the mad one,
+so he gets credit for all the mischief that every dog does for three
+months to come. So every feller that goes yelpin' home from a court
+house, smartin' from the law, swears he is bit by a lawyer. Now there
+may be something wrong in all these things--and it can't be otherwise
+in natur'--in council, banks, house of assembly, and lawyers: but
+change them all, and it's an even chance if you don't get worse ones
+in their room. It is in politics as in horses; when a man has a beast
+that's near about up to the notch, he'd better not swap him; if he
+does, he's e'enamost sure to get one not so good as his own. My rule
+is, I'd rather keep a critter whose faults I do know, than change him
+for a beast whose faults I don't know."
+
+
+
+No. XV
+
+The Dancing Master Abroad.
+
+
+"I wish that 'ere black heifer in the kitchen would give over singing
+that 'ere everlastin' dismal tune," said the Clockmaker, "it makes my
+head ache. You've heerd a song afore now," said he, "havn't you, till
+you was fairly sick of it? for I have, I vow. The last time I was
+in Rhode Island--all the gals sing there, and it's generally allowed
+there's no such singers anywhere; they beat the EYE-talians a long
+chalk; they sing so high some on 'em, they go clear out o' hearin'
+sometimes, like a lark--well, you heerd nothin' but 'Oh no, we never
+mention her;' well, I grew so plaguy tired of it, I used to say to
+myself, I'd sooner see it, than heer tell of it, I vow; I wish to
+gracious you would 'never mention her,' for it makes me feel ugly
+to hear that same thing for ever and ever and amen that way. Well,
+they've got a cant phrase here, 'the schoolmaster is abroad,' and
+every feller tells you that fifty times a day.
+
+"There was a chap said to me not long ago, at Truro, 'Mr. Slick, this
+Country is rapidly improving, "the schoolmaster is abroad now,"' and
+he looked as knowin' as though he had found a mate's nest. 'So I
+should think,' said I, 'and it would be jist about as well, I guess,
+if he'd stay to home and mind his business, for your folks are so
+consoomedly ignorant, I reckon he's abroad e'enamost all his time. I
+hope when he returns, he'll be the better of his travels, and that's
+more nor many of our young folks are who go "abroad," for they import
+more airs and nonsense than they dispose of one while, I tell you;
+some of the stock remains on hand all the rest of their lives.'
+There's nothin' I hate so much as cant, of all kinds, it's a sure
+sign of a tricky disposition. If you see a feller cant in religion,
+clap your hand into your pocket, and lay right hold of your puss,
+or he'll steal it as sure as you're alive; and if a man cant in
+politics, he'll sell you if he gets a chance, you may depend. Law
+and physic are jist the same, and every mite and morsel as bad. If
+a lawyer takes to cantin', it's like the fox preachin' to the geese,
+he'll eat up his whole congregation; and if a doctor takes to it,
+he's a quack as sure as rates. The Lord have massy on you, for he
+won't. I'd sooner trust my chance with a naked hook any time, than
+one that's half covered with bad bait. The fish will sometimes
+swaller the one, without thinkin', but they get frightened at
+t'other, turn tail and off like a shot.
+
+"Now, to change the tune, I'll give the Bluenoses a new phrase.
+They'll have an election most likely next year, and then 'the dancin'
+master will be abroad.' A candidate is a most particular polite man,
+a-noddin' here, and a-bowin' there, and a-shakin' hands all round.
+Nothin' improves a man's manners like an election. 'The dancin'
+master's abroad then;' nothin' gives the paces equal to that, it
+makes them as squirmy as an eel, they cross hands and back agin, set
+to their partners and right and left in great style, and slick it off
+at the eend, with a real complete bow, and a smile for all the world
+as sweet as a cat makes at a pan of new milk. Then they get as full
+of compliments as a dog is full of fleas--enquirin' how the old lady
+is to home, and the little boy that made such a wonderful smart
+answer, they never can forget it till next time; a-praisin' a man's
+farm to the nines, and a-tellin' of him, how scandalous the road that
+leads to his location has been neglected, and how much he wants to
+find a real complete hand that can build a bridge over his brook, and
+axin' him if HE ever built one. When he gets the hook baited with the
+right fly, and the simple critter begins to jump out of water arter
+it, all mouth and gills, he winds up the reel, and takes leave,
+a-thinkin' to himself 'Now you see what's to the eend of my line, I
+guess I'll know where to find you when I want you.'
+
+"There's no sort of fishin' requires so much practice as this. When
+bait is scarce one worm must answer for several fish. A handful of
+oats in a pan, arter it brings one horse up in a pastur' for the
+bridle, serves for another, a-shakin' of it, is better than a-givin'
+of it, it saves the grain for another time. It's a poor business
+arter all, is electioneering, and when 'the Dancin' Master is
+abroad,' he's as apt to teach a man to cut capers and get larfed at
+as anything else. It ain't every one that's soople enough to dance
+real complete. Politics take a great deal of time, and grind away a
+man's honesty near about as fast as cleaning a knife with brick dust,
+'it takes its steel out.' What does a critter get arter all for it
+in this country, why nothin' but expense and disappointment. As King
+Solomon says--and that 'ere man was up to a thing or two, you may
+depend, though our professor did say he warn't so knowin' as Uncle
+Sam--it's all vanity and vexation of spirit.
+
+"I raised a four-year-old colt once, half blood, a perfect pictur' of
+a horse, and a genuine clipper, could gallop like the wind; a real
+daisy, a perfect doll; had an eye like a weasel, and nostril like
+Commodore Rodgers' speakin' trumpet. Well, I took it down to the
+races at New York, and father he went along with me; for says he,
+'Sam, you don't know everything, I guess, you hain't cut your wisdom
+teeth yet, and you are goin' among them that's had 'em through their
+gums this while past.' Well, when we gets to the races, father he
+gets colt and puts him in an old wagon, with a worn out Dutch
+harness, and breast band; he looked like Old Nick, that's a fact.
+Then he fastened a head martingale on, and buckled it to the girths
+atwixt his fore legs. Says I, 'Father, what on airth are you at? I
+vow I feel ashamed to be seen with such a catamaran as that, and colt
+looks like old Satan himself--no soul would know him.' 'I guess I
+warn't born yesterday, Sam,' says he, 'let me be, I know what I am at.
+I guess I'll slip it into 'em afore I've done as slick as a whistle.
+I guess I can see as far into a millstone as the best on 'em.'
+
+"Well, father never entered the horse at all, but stood by and seed
+the races, and the winnin' horse was followed about by the matter of
+two or three thousand people, a-praisin' of him and admirin' him.
+They seemed as if they never had seed a horse afore. The owner of him
+was all up on eend a-boastin' of him, and a-stumpin' the course to
+produce a horse to run agin him for four hundred dollars. Father goes
+up to him, lookin' as soft as dough, and as meechin' as you please,
+and says he, 'Friend, it ain't every one that has four hundred
+dollars; it's a plaguy sight of money, I tell you; would you run for
+one hundred dollars, and give me a little start? If you would, I'd
+try my colt out of my old wagon agin you, I vow.' 'Let's look at your
+horse,' says he; so away they went, and a proper sight of people
+arter them to look at colt, and when they seed him they sot up such a
+larf, I felt e'enamost ready to cry for spite. Says I to myself;
+'What can possess the old man to act arter that fashion, I do believe
+he has taken leave of his senses.' 'You needn't larf,' says Father,
+'he's smarter than he looks; our Minister's old horse, Captain Jack,
+is reckoned as quick a beast of his age as any in our location, and
+that 'ere colt can beat him for a lick of a quarter of a mile quite
+easy; I seed it myself.' Well, they larfed agin louder than before,
+and says father, 'If you dispute my word, try me; what odds will you
+give?' 'Two to one,' says the owner, 'eight hundred to four hundred
+dollars.' 'Well, that's a great deal of money, ain't it,' says
+father, 'if I was to lose it I'd look pretty foolish, wouldn't I.
+How folks would pass their jokes at me when I went home again. You
+wouldn't take that 'ere wagon and harness for fifty dollars of it,
+would you?' says he. 'Well,' says the other, 'sooner than disappoint
+you, as you seem to have set your mind on losing your money, I don't
+care if I do.'
+
+"As soon as it was settled, father drives off to the stables, and
+then returns mounted, with a red silk pocket handkerchief tied round
+his head, and colt a-looking like himself as proud as a nabob, chock
+full of spring like the wire eend of a bran' new pair of trouser
+galluses. One said, 'That's a plaguy nice lookin' colt that old
+feller has arter all.' 'That horse will show play for it yet,' says a
+third; and I heard one feller say, 'I guess that's a regular Yankee
+trick, a complete take in.' They had a fair start for it, and off
+they sot; father took the lead and kept it, and won the race, though
+it was a pretty tight scratch, for father was too old to ride colt,
+he was near about the matter of seventy years old.
+
+"Well, when the colt was walked round after the race, there was an
+amazin' crowd arter him, and several wanted to buy him; but, says
+father, 'How am I to get home without him, and what shall I do with
+that 'ere wagon and harness so far as I be from Slickville.' So he
+kept them in talk, till he felt their pulses pretty well, and at
+last he closed with a Southerner for seven hundred dollars, and we
+returned, having made a considerable good spec of colt. Says father
+to me, 'Sam,' says he, 'you seed the crowd a-follerin' the winnin'
+horse, when we came there, didn't you?' 'Yes sir,' said I, 'I did.'
+'Well, when colt beat him, no one follered him at all, but come
+a-crowdin' about HIM. That's popularity,' said he, 'soon won, soon
+lost--cried up sky high one minute, and deserted the next or run
+down; colt will share the same fate. He'll get beat afore long, and
+then he's done for. The multitude are always fickle-minded. Our
+great Washington found that out, and the British officer that beat
+Bonaparte, the bread they gave him turned sour afore he got half
+through the loaf. His soap had hardly stiffened afore it ran right
+back to lye and grease agin.
+
+"'I was sarved the same way. I liked to have missed my pension; the
+Committee said I warn't at Bunker's hill at all, the villans. That
+was a Glo---' Thinks I, old boy, if you once get into that 'ere
+field, you'll race longer than colt, a plaguy sight; you'll run clear
+away to the fence to the far eend afore you stop, so I jist cut in
+and took a hand myself. 'Yes,' says I, 'you did 'em father, properly;
+that old wagon was a bright scheme, it led 'em on till you got 'em on
+the right spot, didn't it?' Says father, 'THERE'S A MORAL SAM, IN
+EVERYTHING IN NATUR'. Never have nothin' to do with elections, you
+see the vally of popularity in the case of that 'ere horse--sarve the
+public nine hundred and ninety-nine times, and the thousandth, if
+they don't agree with you, they desart and abuse you. See how they
+sarved old John Adams, see how they let Jefferson starve in his old
+age, see how good old Munroe like to have got right into jail, after
+his term of President was up. They may talk of independence,' says
+father, 'but Sam, I'll tell you what independence is,' and he gave
+his hands a slap agin his trousers pocket, and made the gold eagles
+he won at the race all jingle agin--'THAT!' says he, giving them
+another wipe with his fist, and winkin', as much as to say, do you
+hear that, my boy! 'THAT I CALL INDEPENDENCE.' He was in great
+spirits, the old man, he was so proud of winnin' the race, and
+puttin' the leake into the New Yorkers, he looked all dander. 'Let
+them great hungry, ill-favoured, long-legged bitterns,' says he
+(only he called them by another name that don't sound quite pretty),
+'from the outlandish states to Congress, TALK ABOUT independence; but
+Sam,' said he, hitting the shiners agin till he made them dance right
+up an eend in his pocket, 'I LIKE TO FEEL IT.'
+
+"'No Sam,' said he, 'line the pocket well first, make that
+independent, and then the spirit will be like a horse turned out
+to grass in the spring for the first time; he's all head and tail,
+a-snortin' and kickin' and racin' and carryin' on like mad; it soon
+gets independent too. While it's in the stall it may hold up, and
+paw, and whinny, and feel as spry as anything, but the leather strap
+keeps it to the manger, and the lead weight to the eend of it makes
+it hold down its head at last. No,' says he, 'here's independence,'
+and he gave the Eagles such a drive with his fist, he bust his pocket
+and sent a whole raft of them a-spinnin' down his leg to the ground.
+Says I, 'father,' and I swear I could hardly keep from larfin', he
+looked so peskily vexed, 'Father,' says I, 'I guess there's a moral
+in that 'ere too: EXTREMES NARY WAY ARE NONE O' THE BEST.' 'Well,
+well,' says he, kinder snappishly, 'I suppose you're half right, Sam,
+but we've said enough about it; let's drop the subject, and see if I
+have picked 'em all up, for my eyes are none of the best now, I'm
+near hand to seventy.'"
+
+
+
+No. XVI
+
+Mr. Slick's Opinion of the British.
+
+
+"What success had you," said I, "in the sale of your clocks among
+the Scotch in the eastern part of the Province? Do you find them as
+gullible as the Bluenoses?"
+
+"Well," said he, "you have heerd tell that a Yankee never answers one
+question, without axing another, haven't you? Did you ever see an
+English stage-driver make a bow? because if you hain't observed it, I
+have, and a queer one it is, I swan. He brings his right arm up, jist
+across his face, and passes on, with a knowin' nod of his head, as
+much as to say, how do you do? but keep clear o' my wheels, or I'll
+fetch your horses a lick in the mouth as sure as you're born; jist as
+a bear puts up his paw to fend off the blow of a stick from his nose.
+Well, that's the way I pass them 'ere bare-breeched Scotchmen. Lord,
+if they were located down in these here Cumberland marshes, how
+the mosquitoes would tickle them up, wouldn't they? They'd set 'em
+scratching thereabouts, as an Irishman does his head, when he's in
+sarch of a lie. Them 'ere fellers cut their eye-teeth afore they ever
+sot foot in this country, I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know
+what to do with it, that's a fact; they open their pouch and drop it
+in, and it's got a spring like a fox-trap; it holds fast to all it
+gets, like grim death to a dead nigger. They are proper skinflints,
+you may depend. Oatmeal is no great shakes at best; it ain't even as
+good for a horse as real yeller Varginny corn, but I guess I warn't
+long in finding out that the grits hardly pay for the riddlin'. No, a
+Yankee has as little chance among them as a Jew has in New England;
+the sooner he clears out, the better. You can no more put a leake
+into them, than you can send a chisel into teake wood; it turns the
+edge of the tool the first drive. If the Bluenoses knew the value of
+money as well as they do, they'd have more cash, and fewer clocks and
+tin reflectors, I reckon.
+
+"Now, it's different with the Irish; they never carry a puss, for
+they never have a cent to put in it. They are always in love or in
+liquor, or else in a row; they are the merriest shavers I ever seed.
+Judge Beler--I dare say you have heerd tell of him; he's a funny
+feller--he put a notice over his factory gate at Lowell, 'no cigars
+or Irishmen admitted within these walls;' for, said he, 'The one will
+set a flame a-goin' among my cottons, and t'other among my gals. I
+won't have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no
+account.' When the British wanted our folks to join in the treaty to
+chock the wheels of the slave trade, I recollect hearin' old John
+Adams say, we had ought to humour them; for, says he, 'They supply
+us with labour on easier terms, by shippin' out the Irish.' Says he,
+'They work better, and they work cheaper, and they don't live so
+long. The blacks, when they are past work hang on for ever, and a
+proper bill of expence they be; but hot weather and new rum rub out
+the poor rates for t'other ones.'
+
+"The English are the boys for tradin' with; they shell out their cash
+like a sheef of wheat in frosty weather; it flies all over the
+thrashin' floor; but then they are a cross-grained, ungainly, kickin'
+breed of cattle, as I e'enamost ever seed. Whoever gave them the name
+of John Bull, knew what he was about, I tell you; for they are
+bull-necked, bull-headed folks, I vow; sulky, ugly tempered, vicious
+critters, a-pawin' and a-roarin' the whole time, and plaguy onsafe
+unless well watched. They are as headstrong as mules, and as
+conceited as peacocks."
+
+The astonishment with which I heard this tirade against my countrymen
+absorbed every feeling of resentment. I listened with amazement at
+the perfect composure with which he uttered it. He treated it as one
+of those self-evident truths, that need neither proof nor apology,
+but as a thing well known and admitted by all mankind.
+
+"There's no richer sight that I know of," said he, "than to see one
+on 'em when he first lands in one of our great cities. He swells out
+as big as a balloon; his skin is ready to burst with wind--a regular
+walking bag of gas; and he prances over the pavement like a bear over
+hot iron; a great awkward hulk of a feller--for they ain't to be
+compared to the French in manners--a-smirkin' at you, as much as to
+say, 'Look here, Jonathan, here's an Englishman; here's a boy that's
+got blood as pure as a Norman pirate, and lots of the blunt of both
+kinds, a pocket full of one, and a mouthfull of t'other; bean't he
+lovely?' and then he looks as fierce as a tiger, as much as to say,
+'Say boo to a goose, if you dare.'
+
+"No, I believe we may stump the univarse; we improve on everything,
+and we have improved on our own species. You'll search one while, I
+tell you, afore you'll find a man that, take him by and large, is
+equal to one of our free and enlightened citizens. He's the chap
+that has both speed, wind and bottom; he's clear grit--ginger to the
+backbone, you may depend. It's generally allowed there ain't the beat
+of them to be found anywhere. Spry as a fox, supple as an eel, and
+cute as a weasel. Though I say it that shouldn't say it, they fairly
+take the shine off creation--they are actilly equal to cash."
+
+He looked like a man who felt that he had expressed himself so aptly
+and so well, that anything additional would only weaken its effect;
+he therefore changed the conversation immediately, by pointing to a
+tree at some little distance from the house, and remarking that it
+was the rock maple or sugar tree.
+
+"It's a pretty tree," said he, "and a profitable one too to raise.
+It will bear tapping for many years, tho' it gets exhausted at last.
+This Province is like that 'ere tree, it is tapped till it begins
+to die at the top, and if they don't drive in a spile and stop the
+everlastin' flow of the sap, it will perish altogether. All the money
+that's made here, all the interest that's paid in it, and a pretty
+considerable portion of rent too, all goes abroad for investment, and
+the rest is sent to us to buy bread. It's drained like a bog, it has
+opened and covered trenches all through it, and then there's others
+to the foot of the upland to cut off the springs.
+
+"Now you may make even a bog too dry; you may take the moisture out
+of it to that degree, that the very sile becomes dust and blows away.
+The English funds, and our banks, railroads, and canals, are all
+absorbing your capital like a sponge, and will lick it up as fast as
+you can make it. That very bridge we heerd of at Windsor is owned in
+New Brunswick, and will pay toll to that province. The capitalists
+of Nova Scotia treat it like a hired house, they won't keep it in
+repair; they neither paint it to preserve the boards, nor stop a leak
+to keep the frame from rottin'; but let it go to wrack sooner than
+drive a nail or put in a pane of glass. 'It will sarve our turn out,'
+they say.
+
+"There's neither spirit, enterprise, nor patriotism here; but the
+whole country is as inactive as a bear in winter, that does nothin'
+but scroutch up in his den, a-thinkin' to himself, 'Well if I ain't
+an unfortunate devil, it's a pity; I have a most splendid warm coat
+as e'er a gentleman in these here woods, let him be who he will;
+but I got no socks to my feet, and I have to sit for everlastingly
+a-suckin' of my paws to keep 'em warm; if it warn't for that, I
+guess, I'd make some o' them chaps that have hoofs to their feet and
+horns to their heads, look about them pretty sharp, I know.' It's
+dismal now, ain't it? If I had the framin' of the Governor's message,
+if I wouldn't show 'em how to put timber together you may depend, I'd
+make 'em scratch their heads and stare, I know.
+
+"I went down to Matanzas in the Fulton steamboat once; well, it was
+the first of the kind they ever seed, and proper scared they were
+to see a vessel, without sails or oars, goin' right straight ahead,
+nine knots an hour, in the very wind's eye, and a great streak of
+smoke arter her as long as the tail of a comet. I believe they
+thought it was Old Nick alive, a-treatin' himself to a swim. You
+could see the niggers a-clippin' it away from the shore, for dear
+life, and the soldiers a-movin' about as if they thought that we were
+a-goin' to take the whole country. Presently a little half-starved
+orange-coloured lookin' Spanish officer, all dressed off in his
+livery, as fine as a fiddle, came off with two men in a boat to board
+us. Well, we yawed once or twice, and motioned to him to keep off for
+fear he should get hurt; but he came right on afore the wheel, and I
+hope I may be shot if the paddle didn't strike the bow of the boat
+with that force, it knocked up the starn like a plank tilt, when one
+of the boys playin' on it is heavier than t'other; and chucked him
+right atop of the wheel-house. You never seed a feller in such a
+dunderment in your life. He had picked up a little English from
+seein' our folks there so much, and when he got up, the first thing
+he said was,'Damn all sheenery, I say; where's my boat?' and he
+looked round as if he thought it had jumped on board too. 'Your
+boat?' said the captain, why I expect it's gone to the bottom, and
+your men have gone down to look arter it, for we never seed or heerd
+tell of one or t'other of them arter the boat was struck.' Yes, I'd
+make 'em stare like that 'ere Spanish officer, as if they had seed
+out of their eyes for the first time. Governor Campbell didn't expect
+to see such a country as this when he came here, I reckon; I know he
+didn't.
+
+"When I was a little boy, about knee high or so, and lived down
+Connecticut river, mother used to say, 'Sam, if you don't give over
+acting so like Old Scratch, I'll send you off to Nova Scotia as sure
+as you are born; I will, I vow.' Well, Lord, how that 'ere used to
+frighten me; it made my hair stand right up an eend, like a cat's
+back when she is wrathy; it made me drop it as quick as wink; like
+a tin night cap put on a dipped candle a-goin' to bed, it put the
+fun right out. Neighbour Dearborne's darter married a gentleman to
+Yarmouth, that speculates in the smugglin' line. Well, when she went
+on board to sail down to Nova Scotia, all her folks took on as if it
+was a funeral; they said she was goin' to be buried alive like the
+nuns in Portengale that get a-frolickin', break out of the pastur',
+and race off, and get catched and brought back agin. Says the old
+Colonel, her father, 'Deliverance, my dear, I would sooner foller you
+to your grave, for that would be an eend to your troubles, than to
+see you go off to that dismal country, that's nothin' but an iceberg
+aground;' and he howled as loud as an Irishman that tries to wake his
+wife when she is dead. Awful accounts we have of the country, that's
+a fact; but if the Province is not so bad as they make it out, the
+folks are a thousand times worse.
+
+"You've seen a flock of partridges of a frosty mornin' in the fall,
+a-crowdin' out of the shade to a sunny spot, and huddlin' up there
+in the warmth? Well, the Bluenoses have nothin' else to do half the
+time but sun themselves. Whose fault is that? Why it's the fault
+of the legislature; they don't encourage internal improvement, nor
+the investment of capital in the country; and the result is apathy,
+inaction and poverty. They spend three months in Halifax, and what do
+they do? Father gave me a dollar once, to go to the fair at Hartford,
+and when I came back, says he, 'Sam, what have you got to show for
+it?' Now I ax what have they to show for their three months' setting?
+They mislead folks; they make 'em believe all the use of the assembly
+is to bark at councillors, judges, bankers, and such cattle, to keep
+'em from eatin' up the crops; and it actilly costs more to feed them
+when they are watchin', than all the others could eat if they did
+break a fence and get in. Indeed some folks say they are the most
+breachy of the two, and ought to go to pound themselves. If their
+fences are good, them hungry cattle couldn't break through; and if
+they ain't, they ought to stake 'em up, and with them well; but it's
+no use to make fences unless the land is cultivated. If I see a farm
+all gone to wrack, I say here's bad husbandry and bad management; and
+if I see a Province like this, of great capacity, and great natural
+resources, poverty-stricken, I say there's bad legislation.
+
+"No," said he (with an air of more seriousness than I had yet
+observed), "how much it is to be regretted, that, laying aside
+personal attacks and petty jealousies, they would not unite as one
+man, and with one mind and one heart apply themselves sedulously to
+the internal improvement and developement of this beautiful Province.
+Its value is utterly unknown, either to the general or local
+Government, and the only persons who duly appreciate it are the
+Yankees."
+
+
+
+No. XVII
+
+A Yankee Handle for a Halifax Blade.
+
+
+"I met a man this mornin'," said the Clockmaker, "from Halifax, a
+real conceited lookin' critter as you e'enamost ever seed, all shines
+and didoes. He looked as if he had picked up his airs arter some
+officer of the regilars had worn 'em out and cast 'em off. They sot
+on him like second-hand clothes, as if they hadn't been made for him
+and didn't exactly fit. He looked fine, but awkward, like a captain
+of militia when he gets his uniform on, to play sodger; a-thinkin'
+himself mighty handSUM, and that all the world is a-lookin' at him.
+He marched up and down afore the street door like a peacock, as large
+as life and twice as natural; he had a riding whip in his hand and
+every now and then struck it agin his thigh, as much as to say,
+'Ain't that a splendid leg for a boot, now? Won't I astonish the
+Amherst folks, that's all?' Thinks I, 'You are a pretty blade, ain't
+you? I'd like to fit a Yankee handle on to you, that's a fact.' When
+I came up, he held up his head near about as high as a shot factory,
+and stood with his fists on his hips, and eyed me from head to foot,
+as a shakin' quaker does a town lady; as much as to say, 'What a
+queer critter you be, that's toggery I never seed afore; you're some
+carnal-minded maiden, that's sartain.'
+
+"'Well,' says he to me, with the air of a man that chucks a cent into
+a beggar's hat, 'a fine day this, sir.' 'Do you actilly think so?'
+said I, and I gave it the real Connecticut drawl. 'Why,' said he,
+quite short, 'if I didn't think so, I wouldn't say so.' 'Well,' says
+I, 'I don't know, but if I did think so, I guess I wouldn't say so.'
+'Why not?' says he. 'Because, I expect,' says I, 'any fool could see
+that as well as me;' and then I stared at him, as much as to say,
+'Now if you like that 'ere swap, I am ready to trade with you agin as
+soon as you like.' Well, he turned right round on his heel and walked
+off, a-whistlin' Yankee Doodle to himself. He looked jist like a man
+that finds whistlin' a plaguy sight easier than thinkin'.
+
+"Presently, I heard him ax the groom who that 'ere Yankee lookin'
+feller was. 'That?' said the groom, 'why, I guess it's Mr. Slick.'
+'Sho!' said he, 'how you talk. What! Slick the Clockmaker? why it
+ain't possible; I wish I had a known that 'ere afore, I declare,
+for I have a great curiosity to see him; folks say he is an amazin'
+clever feller that;' and he turned and stared, as if it was old
+Hickory himself. Then he walked round and about like a pig round
+the fence of a potato field, a-watchin' for a chance to cut in; so,
+thinks I, I'll jist give him something to talk about, when he gets
+back to the city; I'll fix a Yankee handle on to him in no time.
+
+"'How's times to Halifax, sir,' said I. 'Better,' says he, 'much
+better. Business is done on a surer bottom than it was, and things
+look bright agin.' 'So does a candle,' says I, 'jist afore it goes
+out; it burns up ever so high and then sinks right down, and leaves
+nothin' behind but grease, and an everlastin' bad smell. I guess they
+don't know how to feed their lamp, and it can't burn long on nothin'.
+No, sir, the jig is up with Halifax, and it's all their own fault. If
+a man sits at his door, and sees stray cattle in his field, a-eatin'
+up of his crop, and his neighbours, a-eatin' off his grain, and won't
+so much as go and drive 'em out, why I should say it sarves him
+right.'
+
+"I don't exactly understand, sir,' said he. Thinks I, it would be
+strange if you did, for I never see one of your folks yet that could
+understand a hawk from a handsaw. 'Well,' says I, 'I will tell you
+what I mean: draw a line from Cape Sable to Cape Cansoo, right
+through the Province, and it will split it into two, this way;' and I
+cut an apple into two halves; 'now,' says I, 'the worst half, like
+the rotten half of the apple, belongs to Halifax, and the other and
+sound half belongs to St. John. Your side of the province on the sea
+coast is all stone; I never seed such a proper sight of rocks in my
+life; it's enough to starve a rabbit. Well, t'other side on the Bay
+of Fundy, is a superfine country; there ain't the beat of it to be
+found anywhere. Now, wouldn't the folks living away up to the Bay, be
+pretty fools to go to Halifax, when they can go to St. John with half
+the trouble. St. John is the natural capital of the Bay of Fundy;
+it will be the largest city in America next to New York. It has an
+immense back country as big as Great Britain, a first chop river, and
+amazin' sharp folks, most as cute as the Yankees; it's a splendid
+location for business. Well, they draw all the produce of the Bay
+shores, and where the produce goes the supplies return; they will take
+the whole trade of the Province. I guess your rich folks will find
+they've burnt their fingers; they've put their foot in it, that's
+a fact. Houses without tenants, wharves without shipping, a town
+without people--what a grand investment! If you have any loose
+dollars, let 'em out on mortgage in Halifax, that's a security; keep
+clear of the country for your life; the people may run, but the town
+can't. No, take away the troops, and you're done; you'll sing the
+dead march folks did at Louisburg and Shelburne. Why you hain't got
+a single thing worth havin', but a good harbour, and as for that the
+coast is full of 'em. You havn't a pine log, a spruce board or a
+refuse shingle; you neither raise wheat, oats, or hay, nor never can;
+you have no staples on airth, unless it be them iron ones for the
+padlocks in Bridewell. You've sowed pride and reaped poverty; take
+care of your crop, for it's worth harvestin'. You have no river and
+no country, what in the name of fortin' have you to trade on?
+
+"'But,' said he (and he showed the whites of his eyes like a
+wall-eyed horse), 'but,' said he, 'Mr. Slick, how is it then, Halifax
+ever grew at all! Hasn't it got what it always had? It's no worse
+than it was.' 'I guess,' said I, 'that pole ain't strong enough to
+bear you, neither; if you trust to that, you'll be into the brook, as
+sure as you are born; you once had the trade of the whole Province,
+but St. John has run off with that now; you've lost all but your
+trade in blueberries and rabbits with the niggers at Hammond Plains.
+You've lost your customers; your rivals have a better stand for
+business--they've got the corner store; four great streets meet
+there, and it's near the market slip.'
+
+"Well, he stared; says he, 'I believe you're right, but I never
+thought of that afore.' Thinks I, nobody'd ever suspect you of the
+trick of thinkin' that ever I heerd tell of. 'Some of our great men,'
+said he, 'laid it all to your folks' selling so many clocks and
+Polyglot Bibles; they say you have taken off a horrid sight of
+money.' 'Did they, indeed?' said I; 'well, I guess it ain't pins and
+needles that's the expense of house-keepin', it is something more
+costly than that.' 'Well, some folks say it's the banks,' says
+he. 'Better still,' says I; 'perhaps you've hearn tell, too, that
+greasin' the axle, makes a gig harder to draw, for there's jist
+about as much sense in that.' 'Well then,' says he, 'others say it's
+smugglin' has made us so poor.' 'That guess,' said I, 'is most as
+good as t'other one; whoever found out that secret ought to get a
+patent for it, for it's worth knowin'. Then the country has grown
+poorer, hasn't it, because it has bought cheaper this year, than it
+did the year before? Why, your folks are cute chaps, I vow; they'd
+puzzle a Philadelphia lawyer, they are so amazin' knowin'.' 'Ah,'
+said he, and he rubb'd his hands and smiled, like a young doctor,
+when he gets his first patient; 'ah,' said he, 'if the timber duties
+are altered, down comes St. John, body and breeches; it's built on
+a poor foundation--it's all show; they are speculatin' like mad;
+they'll ruin themselves.' Says I, 'if you wait till they're dead for
+your fortin', it will be one while, I tell you, afore you pocket the
+shiners. It's no joke waitin' for a dead man's shoes. Suppose an old
+feller of eighty was to say, "When that 'ere young feller dies, I'm
+to inherit his property," what would you think? Why, I guess you'd
+think he was an old fool. No sir, if the English don't want their
+timber we do want it all; we have used our'n up, we hain't got a
+stick even to whittle. If the British don't offer we will, and St.
+John, like a dear little weepin' widow, will dry up her tears, and
+take to frolickin' agin and accept it right off.
+
+"'There isn't at this moment such a location hardly in America, as
+St. John; for beside all its other advantages, it has this great one:
+its only rival, Halifax, has got a dose of opium that will send it
+snoring out of the world, like a feller who falls asleep on the ice
+of a winter's night. It has been asleep so long, I actilly think it
+never will wake. It's an easy death too; you may rouse them up if you
+like, but I vow I won't. I once brought a feller to that was drowned,
+and one night he got drunk and quilted me; I couldn't walk for a
+week. Says I, "You're the last chap I'll ever save from drowning in
+all my born days, if that's all the thanks I get for it." No sir,
+Halifax has lost the run of its custom. Who does Yarmouth trade with?
+St. John. Who does Annapolis County trade with? St. John. Who do all
+the folks on the Basin of Mines, and Bay shore, trade with? St. John.
+Who does Cumberland trade with? St. John. Well Pictou, Lunenburg and
+Liverpool, supply themselves, and the rest that ain't worth havin',
+trade with Halifax. They take down a few half-starved pigs, old
+viteran geese, and long legged fowls, some ram mutton and tough beef;
+and swap them for tea, sugar, and such little notions for their old
+women to home; while the railroads and canals of St. John are goin'
+to cut off your Gulf Shore trade to Miramichi, and along there. Flies
+live in the summer and die in winter, you're jist as noisy in war as
+those little critters, but you sing small in peace.
+
+"'No, you're done for; you are up a tree, you may depend; pride must
+fall. Your town is like a ballroom arter a dance. The folks there eat,
+drank, and frolicked, and left an empty house; the lamps and hangings
+are left, but the people are gone.'
+
+"'Is there no remedy for this?' said he; and he looked as wild as a
+Cherokee Indian. Thinks I, the handle is fitted on proper tight now.
+'Well,' says I, 'when a man has a cold, he had ought to look out
+pretty sharp, afore it gets seated on his lungs; if he don't, he gets
+into a gallopin' consumption, and it's gone goose with him. There is
+a remedy, if applied in time: make a railroad to the Minas Basin, and
+you have a way for your customers to get to you, and a conveyance for
+your goods to them. When I was in New York last, a cousin of mine,
+Hezekiah Slick, said to me, "I do believe Sam, I shall be ruined;
+I've lost all my custom; they are widening and improving the streets,
+and there's so many carts and people to work in it, folks can't come
+to my shop to trade; what on airth shall I do? and I'm payin' a
+dreadful high rent too?" "Stop Ki," says I, "when the street is all
+finished off and slicked up, they'll all come back agin, and a whole
+raft more on 'em too, you'll sell twice as much as ever you did;
+you'll put off a proper swad of goods next year, you may depend;" and
+so he did, he made money, hand over hand. A railroad will bring back
+your customers, if done right off; but wait till trade has made new
+channels, and fairly gets settled in them, and you'll never divart it
+agin to all etarnity. When a feller waits till a gal gets married, I
+guess it will be too late to pop the question then.
+
+"'St. John MUST go ahead, at any rate; you MAY, if you choose, but
+you must exert yourselves, I tell you. If a man has only one leg, and
+wants to walk, he must get an artificial one. If you have no river,
+make a railroad, and that will supply its place.'
+
+"'But,' says he, 'Mr. Slick, people say it never will pay in the
+world; they say it's as mad a scheme as the canal. 'Do they indeed?'
+says I; 'send them to me then, and I'll fit the handle on to them in
+tu tu's. I say it will pay, and the best proof is, our folks will
+take tu thirds of the stock. Did you ever hear any one else but your
+folks, ax whether a dose of medicine would pay when it was given to
+save life? If that everlastin' long Erie canal can secure to New York
+the supply of that far off country, most t'other side of creation,
+surely a railroad of forty-five miles can give you the trade of the
+Bay of Fundy. A railroad will go from Halifax to Windsor, and make
+them one town, easier to send goods from one to t'other than from
+Governor Campbell's House to Admiral Cockburn's. A bridge makes a
+town, a river makes a town, a canal makes a town; but a railroad is
+bridge, river, thoroughfare, canal, all in one; what a whappin' large
+place that would make, wouldn't it? It would be the dandy, that's
+a fact. No, when you go back, take a piece of chalk, and the first
+dark night, write on every door in Halifax, in large letters--a
+railroad--and if they don't know the meanin' of it, says you "It's a
+Yankee word; if you'll go to Sam Slick, the Clockmaker" (the chap
+that fixed a Yankee handle on to a Halifax blade'--and I made him a
+scrape of my leg, as much as to say, That's you!) '"every man that
+buys a clock shall hear all about a railroad."'"
+
+
+
+No. XVIII
+
+The Grahamite and the Irish Pilot.
+
+
+"I think," said I, "this is a happy country, Mr. Slick. The people
+are fortunately all of one origin; there are no national jealousies
+to divide, and no very violent politics to agitate them. They
+appear to be cheerful and contented, and are a civil, good-natured,
+hospitable race. Considering the unsettled state of almost every part
+of the world, I think I would as soon cast my lot in Nova Scotia as
+in any part I know of."
+
+"It's a clever country, you may depend," said he, "a very clever
+country; full of mineral wealth, aboundin' in superior water
+privileges and noble harbours, a large part of it prime land, and it
+is in the very heart of the fisheries. But the folks put me in mind
+of a sect in our country they call the Grahamites; they eat no meat
+and no exciting food, and drink nothin' stronger than water. They
+call it Philosophy (and that is such a pretty word it has made fools
+of more folks than them afore now), but I call it tarnation nonsense.
+I once travelled all through the State of Maine with one of them 'ere
+chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a
+blown bladder arter some of the air had leaked out, kinder wrinkled
+and rumpled like, and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a
+short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs,
+all legs, shaft and head, and no belly; a real gander-gutted lookin'
+critter, as holler as a bamboo walkin' cane, and twice as yaller.
+He actilly looked as if he had been picked off a rack at sea, and
+dragged through a gimlet hole. He was a lawyer. Thinks I, the Lord a
+massy on your clients, you hungry, half-starved lookin' critter you,
+you'll eat 'em up alive as sure as the Lord made Moses. You are jist
+the chap to strain at a goat and swallow a camel, tank, shank and
+flank, all at a gulp.
+
+"Well, when we came to an inn, and a beef steak was sot afore us for
+dinner, he'd say, 'Oh that is too good for me, it's too exciting; all
+fat meat is diseased meat, give me some bread and cheese.' 'Well,'
+I'd say, 'I don't know what you call too good, but it ain't good
+enough for me, for I call it as tuf as laushong, and that will bear
+chawing all day. When I liquidate for my dinner, I like to get about
+the best that's goin', and I ain't a bit too well pleased if I
+don't.' Exciting indeed! thinks I. Lord, I should like to see you
+excited, if it was only for the fun of the thing. What a temptin'
+lookin' critter you'd be among the gals, wouldn't you? Why, you look
+like a subject the doctor boys had dropped on the road arter they had
+dug you up, and had cut stick and run for it.
+
+"Well, when tea came, he said the same thing, 'It's too exciting,
+give me some water, do; that's follorin' the law of natur'.' 'Well,'
+says I, 'if that's the case, you ought to eat beef.' 'Why,' says
+he, 'how do you make out that 'ere proposition?' 'Why,' says I, 'if
+drinkin' water instead of tea is natur', so is eatin' grass accordin'
+to natur'; now all flesh is grass, we are told, so you had better eat
+that and call it vegetable; like a man I once seed who fasted on fish
+on a Friday, and when he had none, whipped a leg o' mutton into the
+oven, and took it out fish. Says he, "It's 'changed PLAICE,' that's
+all," and "PLAICE" ain't a bad fish. The Catholics fast enough,
+gracious knows, but then they fast on a great rousin' big splendid
+salmon at two dollars and forty cents a pound, and lots of old
+Madeira to make it float light on the stomach; there's some sense in
+mortifying the appetite arter that fashion, but plagy little in your
+way. No,' says I, 'friend, you may talk about natur' as you please;
+I've studied natur' all my life, and I vow if your natur' could speak
+out, it would tell you, it don't over half like to be starved arter
+that plan. If you know'd as much about the marks of the mouth as
+I do, you'd know that you have carniverous as well as graniverous
+teeth, and that natur' meant by that, you should eat most anything
+that 'ere door-keeper, your nose, would give a ticket to, to pass
+into your mouth. Father rode a race at New York course, when he was
+near hand to seventy--and that's more nor you'll do, I guess--and he
+eats as hearty as a turkey-cock; and he never confined himself to
+water neither, when he could get anything convened him better. Says
+he, "Sam, grandfather Slick used to say there was an old proverb in
+Yorkshire, 'A full belly makes a strong back,' and I guess if you try
+it, natur' will tell you so too." If ever you go to Connecticut, jist
+call into father's, and he'll give you a real right down genuine New
+England breakfast, and if that don't happify your heart, then my
+name's not Sam Slick. It will make you feel about among the stiffest,
+I tell you. It will blow your jacket out like a pig at sea. You'll
+have to shake a reef or two out of your waistban's and make good
+stowage, I guess, to carry it all under hatches. There's nothin' like
+a good pastur' to cover the ribs, and make the hide shine, depend
+on't.'
+
+"Now this Province is like that 'ere Grahamite lawyer's beef, it's
+too good for the folks that's in it; they either don't avail its
+value or won't use it, because work ain't arter their 'law of natur'.'
+As you say they are quiet enough (there's worse folks than the
+Bluenoses, too, if you come to that), and so they had ought to be
+quiet, for they have nothin' to fight about. As for politics, they
+have nothin' to desarve the name; but they talk enough about it, and
+a plaguy sight of nonsense they do talk, too.
+
+"Now with us the country is divided into two parties, of the mammouth
+breed--the INS and the OUTS, the ADMINISTRATION and the OPPOSITION.
+But where's the administration here? Where's the war office, the
+Foreign Office and the Home Office? Where's the Secretary of
+the Navy? Where's the State Bank? Where's the Ambassadors and
+Diplomatists (them are the boys to wind off a snarl of ravellins
+as slick as if it were on a reel), and where's that Ship of State,
+fitted up all the way from the forecastle clean up to the starn-post,
+chock full of good snug berths, handsumly found and furnished, tier
+over tier, one above another, as thick as it can hold? That's a helm
+worth handlin', I tell you; I don't wonder that folks mutiny below,
+and fight on the decks above for it; it makes a plaguy uproar the
+whole time, and keeps the passengers for everlastinly in a state of
+alarm for fear they'd do mischif by bustin' the b'iler, a-runnin'
+aground, or gettin' foul of some other craft.
+
+"This Province is better as it is, quieter and happier far; they have
+berths enough and big enough; they should be careful not to increase
+'em; and if they were to do it over agin, perhaps they'd be as well
+with fewer. They have two parties here, the Tory party and the
+Opposition party, and both on 'em run to extremes. Them radicals,
+says one, are for levellin' all down to their own level, tho' not a
+peg lower; that's their gage, jist down to their own notch and no
+further; and they'd agitate the whole country to obtain that object,
+for if a man can't grow to be as tall as his neighbour, if he cuts a
+few inches off him why then they are both of one heighth. They are a
+most dangerous, disaffected people; they are eternally appealin' to
+the worst passions of the mob. Well, says t'other, them aristocrats,
+they'll ruinate the country; they spend the whole revenue on
+themselves. What with bankers, councillors, judges, bishops and
+public officers, and a whole tribe of lawyers as hungry as hawks, and
+jist about as marciful, the country is devoured as if there was a
+flock of locusts a-feedin' on it. There's nothin' left for roads and
+bridges. When a chap sets out to canvass, he's got to antagonize one
+side or t'other. If he hangs on to the powers that be, then he's a
+council man, he's for votin' large salaries, for doin' as the great
+people at Halifax tell him. He is a fool. If he is on t'other side,
+a-railin' at banks, judges, lawyers and such cattle, and bawlin' for
+what he knows he can't get, then he is a rogue. So that, if you were
+to listen to the weak and noisy critters on both sides, you'd believe
+the House of Assembly was one half rogues and t'other half fools. All
+this arises from ignorance. IF THEY KNEW MORE OF EACH OTHER, I GUESS
+THEY'D LAY ASIDE ONE HALF THEIR FEARS AND ALL THEIR ABUSE. THE UPPER
+CLASSES DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE VIRTUE THAT'S IN THE MIDDLIN' AND
+LOWER CLASSES; AND THEY DON'T KNOW ONE HALF THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD
+FEELIN' THAT'S IN THE OTHERS, AND BOTH ARE FOOLED AND GULLED BY THEIR
+OWN NOISY AND DESIGNIN' CHAMPIONS. Take any two men that are by the
+ears, they opinionate all they hear of each other, impute all sorts
+of onworthy motives, and misconstrue every act; let them see more of
+each other, and they'll find out to their surprise, that they have
+not only been lookin' through a magnifyin' glass that warn't very
+true, but a coloured one also, that changed the complexion and
+distorted the feature, and each one will think t'other a very good
+kind of chap, and like as not a plaguy pleasant one too.
+
+"If I was axed which side was farthest from the mark in this
+Province, I vow I should be puzzled to say. As I don't belong to
+the country, and don't care a snap of my finger for either of 'em,
+I suppose I can judge better than any man in it, but I snore I
+don't think there's much difference. The popular side--I won't say
+patriotic, for we find in our steamboats a man who has a plaguy sight
+of property in his portmanter, is quite as anxious for its safety, as
+him that's only one pair of yarn stockings and a clean shirt, is for
+his'n--the popular side are not so well informed as t'other, and they
+have the misfortin' of havin' their passions addressed more than
+their reason, therefore they are often out of the way, or rather
+led out of it and put astray by bad guides; well, t'other side have
+the prejudices of birth and education to dim their vision, and are
+alarmed to undertake a thing from the dread of ambush or open foes,
+that their guides are etarnally descryin' in the mist--AND BESIDE,
+POWER HAS A NATERAL TENDENCY TO CORPULENCY. As for them guides, I'd
+make short work of 'em if it was me.
+
+"In the last war with Britain, the Constitution frigate was close in
+once on the shores of Ireland, a-lookin' arter some marchant ships,
+and she took on board a pilot; well, he was a deep, sly, twistical
+lookin' chap, as you e'enamost ever seed. He had a sort of dark, down
+look about him, and a lear out of the corner of one eye, like a horse
+that's goin' to kick. The captain guessed he read in his face, 'Well
+now, if I was to run this here Yankee right slap on a rock and bilge
+her, the King would make a man of me for ever.' So, says he to the
+first leftenant, 'Reeve a rope through that 'ere block at the tip
+eend of the fore yard, and clap a runnin' noose in it.' The leftenant
+did it as quick as wink, and came back, and says he, 'I guess it's
+done.' 'Now,' says the captain, 'look here, pilot; here's a rope you
+hain't seed yet, I'll jist explain the use of it to you in case you
+want the loan of it. If this here frigate, manned with our free and
+enlightened citizens, gets aground, I'll give you a ride on the slack
+of that 'ere rope, right up to that yard by the neck, by Gum.' Well,
+it rub'd all the writin' out of his face, as quick as spittin' on
+a slate takes a sum out, you may depend. Now, they should rig up a
+crane over the street door of the State house at Halifax, and when
+any of the pilots at either eend of the buildin', run 'em on the
+breakers on purpose, string 'em up like an onsafe dog. A sign of that
+'ere kind, with 'A house of public entertainment,' painted under it,
+would do the business in less than no time. If it wouldn't keep the
+hawks out of the poultry yard, it's a pity; it would scare them out
+of a year's growth, that's a fact; if they used it once, I guess they
+wouldn't have occasion for it agin in a hurry; it would be like the
+aloe tree, and that bears fruit only once in a hundred years.
+
+"If you want to know how to act any time, Squire, never go to books,
+leave them to gals and school boys; but go right off and cipher it
+out of natur', that's a sure guide; it will never deceive you, you
+may depend. For instance, 'what's that to me,' is a phrase so common
+that it shows it's a natural one, when people have no particular
+interest in a thing. Well, when a feller gets so warm on either side
+as never to use that phrase at all, watch him, that's all! keep your
+eye on him, or he'll walk right into you afore you know where you be.
+If a man runs to me and says, 'Your fence is down,' 'Thank you,' says
+I, 'that's kind.' If he comes agin and says, 'I guess some stray
+cattle have broke into your short sarce garden,' I thank him agin;
+says I, 'Come now, this is neighbourly; but when he keeps etarnally
+tellin' me this thing of one sarvant, and that thing of another
+sarvant, hints that my friends ain't true, that my neighbours are
+inclined to take advantage of me, and that suspicious folks are seen
+about my place, I say to myself, what on airth makes this critter
+take such a wonderful interest in my affairs? I don't like to hear
+such tales; he's arter somethin' as sure as the world, if he warn't
+he'd say, 'What's that to me.' I never believe much what I hear said
+by a man's violent friend, or violent enemy. I want to hear what a
+disinterested man has to say. Now, as a disinterested man, I say if
+the members of the House of Assembly, instead of raisin' up ghosts
+and hobgoblins to frighten folks with, and to show what swordsmen
+they be, a-cuttin' and a-thrustin' at those phantoms that only exist
+in their own brains, would turn to, heart and hand, and develop the
+resources of this fine country, facilitate the means of transport,
+promote its internal improvement, and encourage its foreign trade,
+they would make it the richest and greatest, as it now is one of the
+happiest sections of all America. I hope I may be skinned if they
+wouldn't--they would I swan."
+
+
+
+No. XIX
+
+The Clockmaker Quilts a Bluenose.
+
+
+The descendants of Eve have profited little by her example. The
+curiosity of the fair sex is still insatiable, and, as it is often
+ill directed, it frequently terminates in error. In the country this
+feminine propensity is troublesome to a traveller, and he who would
+avoid importunities would do well to announce at once, on his arrival
+at a Cumberland inn, his name and his business, the place of his
+abode and the length of his visit.
+
+Our beautiful hostess, Mrs. Pugwash, as she took her seat at the
+breakfast table this morning, exhibited the example that suggested
+these reflections. She was struck with horror at our conversation,
+the latter part only of which she heard, and of course misapplied
+and misunderstood.
+
+"She was run down by the President," said I, "and has been laid up
+for some time. Gulard's people have stripped her, in consequence of
+her making water so fast."
+
+"Stripped whom?" said Mrs. Pugwash, as she suddenly dropped the
+teapot from her hand; "stripped whom--for heaven's sake tell me
+who it is?"
+
+"The Lady Ogle," said I.
+
+"Lady Ogle?" said she, "how horrid!"
+
+"Two of her ribs were so broken as to require to be replaced with new
+ones."
+
+"Two new ribs!" said she, "well I never heerd the beat of that in all
+my born days; poor critter, how she must have suffered."
+
+"On examining her below the waist they found--"
+
+"Examining her still lower," said she (all the pride of her sex
+revolting at the idea of such an indecent exhibition), "you don't
+pretend to say they stripped her below the waist! What did the
+Admiral say? Did he stand by and see her handled in that way?"
+
+"The Admiral, madam," said I, "did not trouble his head about it.
+They found her extremely unsound there, and much worm-eaten."
+
+"Worm-eaten," she continued, "how awful! It must have been them nasty
+jiggers, that got in there; they tell me they are dreadful thick in
+the West Indies; Joe Crow had them in his feet, and lost two of his
+toes. Worm-eaten, dear, dear! but still that ain't so bad as having
+them great he-fellows strip one. I promise you if them Gulards had
+undertaken to strip me, I'd a taught them different guess manners;
+I'd a died first before I'd a submitted to it. I always heerd tell
+the English quality ladies were awful bold, but I never heerd the
+like o' that."
+
+"What on airth are you drivin' at?" said Mr. Slick. "I never seed you
+so much out in your latitude afore, marm, I vow. We were talkin' of
+reparin' a vessel, not strippin' a woman; what under the sun could
+have put that 'ere crotchet into your head?"
+
+She looked mortified and humbled at the result of her own absurd
+curiosity, and soon quitted the room. "I thought I should have
+snorted right out two or three times," said the Clockmaker; "I had to
+pucker up my mouth like the upper eend of a silk puss, to keep from
+yawhawin' in her face, to hear the critter let her clapper run that
+fashion. She is not the first hand that has caught a lobster, by
+puttin' in her oar afore her turn, I guess. She'll mind her steps
+next hitch, I reckon." This was our last breakfast at Amherst.
+
+An early frost that smote the potato fields, and changed the
+beautiful green colour of the Indian corn into shades of light
+yellow, and dark brown, reminded me of the presence of autumn, of
+the season of short days and bad roads. I determined to proceed at
+once to Parrsboro', and thence by the Windsor and Kentville route
+to Annapolis, Yarmouth, and Shelburne, and to return by the shore
+road, through Liverpool and Lunenburg to Halifax. I therefore took
+leave (though not without much reluctance) of the Clockmaker, whose
+intention had been to go to Fort Lawrence.
+
+"Well," said he, "I vow I am sorry to part company along with you; a
+considerable long journey like our'n, is like sitting up late with
+the gals, a body knows it's getting on pretty well towards mornin',
+and yet feels loth to go to bed, for it's just the time folks grow
+sociable. I got a scheme in my head," said he, "that I think will
+answer both on us; I got debts due to me in all them 'ere places for
+clocks sold by the consarn; now suppose you leave your horse on these
+mashes this fall; he'll get as fat as a fool, he won't be able to see
+out of his eyes in a month; and I'll put 'Old Clay' (I call him Clay
+arter our senator, who is a prime bit of stuff) into a Yankee wagon
+I have here, and drive you all round the coast."
+
+This was too good an offer to be declined. A run at grass for my
+horse, an easy and comfortable wagon, and a guide so original and
+amusing as Mr. Slick, were either of them enough to induce my
+acquiescence.
+
+As soon as we had taken our seats in the wagon, he observed--
+
+"We shall progress real handsum now; that 'ere horse goes etarnal
+fast, he near about set my axle on fire twice. He's a spanker you may
+depend. I had him when he was a two-year-old, all legs and tail, like
+a devil's darnin' needle, and had him broke on purpose by father's
+old nigger, January Snow. He knows English real well, and can do near
+about anything but speak it. He helped me once to gin a Bluenose a
+proper handsum quiltin'."
+
+"He must have stood a poor chance indeed," said I, "a horse kickin',
+and a man striking him at the same time."
+
+"Oh! not arter that pattern at all," said he, "Lord if Old Clay had
+kicked him, he'd a smashed him like that 'ere sarcer you broke at
+Pugnose's inn, into ten hundred thousand million flinders. Oh! no, if
+I didn't fix his flint for him in fair play, it's a pity. I'll tell
+you how it was. I was up to Truro, at Ezra Whitter's inn. There was
+an arbitration there atween Deacon Text and Deacon Faithful. Well,
+there was a 'nation sight of folks there, for they said it was a
+biter bit, and they came to witness the sport, and to see which
+critter would get the earmark.
+
+"Well, I'd been doin' a little business there among the folks, and
+had jist sot off for the river, mounted on Old Clay, arter takin' a
+glass of Ezra's most particular handsum Jamaiky, and was trottin' off
+pretty slick, when who should I run agin but Tim Bradley. He is a
+dreadful ugly, cross-grained critter, as you e'enamost ever seed,
+when he is about half-shaved. Well, I stopped short, and says I, "Mr.
+Bradley, I hope you bean't hurt; I'm proper sorry I run agin you, you
+can't feel uglier than I do about it, I do assure you.' He called me
+a Yankee peddler, a cheatin' vagabond, a wooden nutmeg, and threw
+a good deal of assorted hardware of that kind at me; and the crowd
+of folks cried out, 'Down with the Yankee!' 'Let him have it Tim!'
+'Teach him better manners!' and they carried on pretty high, I tell
+you. Well, I got my dander up too, I felt all up on eend like;
+and, thinks I to myself, My lad if I get a clever chance, I'll give
+you such a quiltin' as you never had since you were raised from a
+seedlin', I vow. So says I, 'Mr. Bradley, I guess you had better
+let me be; you know I can't fight no more than a cow; I never was
+brought up to wranglin', and I don't like it.' 'Haul off the cowardly
+rascal,' they all bawled out, 'haul him off, and lay it into him!' So
+he lays right hold of me by the collar, and gives me a pull, and I
+lets on as if I'd lost my balance and falls right down. Then I jumps
+up on eend, and says I 'Go ahead Clay,' and the old horse he sets off
+a head, so I knew I had him when I wanted him. Then says I, 'I hope
+you are satisfied now, Mr. Bradley, with that 'ere ungenteel fall you
+gin me.' Well, he makes a blow at me, and I dodged it. 'Now,' says I,
+'you'll be sorry for this, I tell you; I won't be treated this way
+for nothin', I'll go right off and swear my life agin you, I'm most
+afeerd you'll murder me.' Well, he strikes at me agin, thinkin' he
+had a genuine soft horn to deal with, and hits me in the shoulder.
+'Now,' says I, I won't stand here to be lathered like a dog all day
+long this fashion, it ain't pretty at all; I guess I'll give you a
+chase for it.' Off I sets arter my horse like mad, and he arter me (I
+did that to get clear of the crowd, so that I might have fair play at
+him). Well, I soon found I had the heels of him, and could play him
+as I liked. Then I slackened up a little, and when he came close up
+to me, so as nearly to lay his hand upon me, I squatted right whap
+down, all short, and he pitched over me near about a rod or so, I
+guess, on his head, and ploughed up the ground with his nose, the
+matter of a foot or two. If he didn't polish up the coulter, and both
+mould boards of his face, it's a pity. 'Now,' says I, 'you had better
+lay where you be and let me go, for I am proper tired; I blow like a
+horse that's got the heaves; and besides,' says I, 'I guess you had
+better wash your face, for I am most a feared you hurt yourself.'
+That riled him properly; I meant that it should; so he ups and at me
+awful spiteful like a bull; then I lets him have it, right, left,
+right, jist three corkers, beginning with the right hand, shifting to
+the left, and then with the right hand agin. This way I did it," said
+the Clockmaker (and he showed me the manner in which it was done);
+"it's a beautiful way of hitting, and always does the business--a
+blow for each eye and one for the mouth. It sounds like ten pounds
+ten on a blacksmith's anvil; I bunged up both eyes for him, and put
+in the dead lights in two tu's, and drew three of his teeth, quicker
+a plaguy sight than the Truro doctor could, to save his soul alive.
+'Now,' says I, 'my friend, when you recover your eye-sight I guess
+you'll see your mistake--I warn't born in the woods to be scared by
+an owl. The next time you feel in a most particular elegant good
+humour, come to me and I'll play you the second part of that
+identical same tune, that's a fact.
+
+"With that, I whistled for Old Clay, and back he comes, and I mounted
+and off, jist as the crowd came up. The folks looked staggered, and
+wondered a little grain how it was done so cleverly in short metre.
+If I didn't quilt him in no time, you may depend; I went right slap
+into him, like a flash of lightning into a gooseberry bush. He found
+his suit ready made and fitted afore he thought he was half measured.
+Thinks I, friend Bradley, I hope you know yourself now, for I vow
+no livin' soul would; your swallowed your soup without singin' out
+scaldin's, and your near about a pint and a half nearer cryin' than
+larfin'.
+
+"Yes, as I was sayin', this Old Clay is a real knowin' one; he's as
+spry as a colt yet, clear grit, ginger to the backbone; I can't help
+a-thinkin' sometimes the breed must have come from old Kentuck, half
+horse, half alligator, with a cross of the airth-quake.
+
+"I hope I may be teetotally ruinated, if I'd take eight hundred
+dollars for him. Go ahead, you old clinker built villain," said he,
+"and show the gentleman how wonderful handSUM you can travel. Give
+him the real Connecticut quick step. That's it! that's the way to
+carry the President's message to Congress, from Washington to New
+York, in no time! that's the go to carry a gal from Boston to Rhode
+Island, and trice her up to a Justice to be married, afore her
+father's out of bed of a summer's mornin'. Ain't he a beauty? a real
+doll? none of your Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them,
+the more they won't go; but a proper one, that will go free gratis
+for nothin', all out of his own head voluntERRILY. Yes, a horse like
+Old Clay, is worth the whole seed, breed and generation, of them
+Amherst beasts put together. He's a horse, every inch of him, stock,
+lock, and barrel, is Old Clay."
+
+
+
+No. XX
+
+Sister Sall's Courtship.
+
+
+"There goes one of them 'ere everlastin' rottin' poles in that
+bridge; they are no better than a trap for a critter's leg," said the
+Clockmaker. "They remind me of a trap Jim Munroe put his foot in one
+night, that near about made one leg half a yard longer than t'other.
+I believe I told you of him, what a desperate idle feller he was; he
+came from Onion County in Connecticut. Well, he was courtin' Sister
+Sall. She was a real handsum lookin' gal; you scarce ever seed a more
+out and out complete critter than she was--a fine figur' head, and a
+beautiful model of a craft as any in the state, a real clipper, and
+as full of fun and frolic as a kitten. Well he fairly turned Sall's
+head; the more we wanted her to give him up the more she wouldn't,
+and we got plaguy oneasy about it, for his character was none of the
+best. He was a univarsal favourite among the gals, and tho' he didn't
+behave very pretty neither, forgetting to marry where he promised,
+and where he hadn't ought to have forgot too; yet, so it was, he had
+such an uncommon winnin' way with him, he could talk them over in no
+time. Sall was fairly bewitched.
+
+"At last, Father said to him one evening when he came a-courtin',
+'Jim,' says he, 'you'll never come to no good, if you act like Old
+Scratch as you do; you ain't fit to come into no decent man's house
+at all, and your absence would be ten times more agreeable than your
+company, I tell you. I won't consent to Sall's goin' to them 'ere
+huskin' parties and quiltin' frolics along with you no more, on no
+account, for you know how Polly Brown and Nancy White--' 'Now don't,'
+says he, 'now don't, Uncle Sam, say no more about that; if you knowed
+all you wouldn't say it was my fault; and besides, I have turned
+right about, I am on t'other tack now, and the long leg, too; I am
+as steady as a pump bolt now. I intend to settle myself and take a
+farm.' 'Yes yes, and you could stock it too, by all accounts, pretty
+well, unless you are much misreported,' says father, 'but it won't
+do. I knew your father; he was our Sargeant; a proper clever and
+brave man he was too; he was one of the heroes of our glorious
+revolution. I had a great respect for him, and I am sorry for his
+sake you will act as you do; but I tell you once for all you must
+give up all thoughts of Sall, now and for everlastin'.' When Sall
+heerd this, she began to knit away like mad in a desperate hurry; she
+looked foolish enough, that's a fact. First she tried to bite in her
+breath, and look as if there was nothin' particular in the wind,
+then she blushed all over like scarlet fever, but she recovered that
+pretty soon; and then her colour went and came, and came and went,
+till at last she grew as white as chalk, and down she fell slap off
+her seat on the floor, in a faintin' fit. 'I see,' says father, 'I
+see it now, you etarnal villain,' and he made a pull at the old
+fashioned sword, that always hung over the fireplace (we used to call
+it old Bunker, for his stories always begun, 'when I was at Bunker's
+hill'), and drawing it out, he made a clip at him as wicked as if he
+was stabbing at a rat with a hay fork; but Jim, he outs of the door
+like a shot, and draws it too arter him, and father sends old Bunker
+right through the panel. 'I'll chop you up as fine as mince meat, you
+villain,' said he, 'if ever I catch you inside my door agin; mind
+what I tell you, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET.' Well, he made himself
+considerable scarce arter that, he never sot foot inside the door
+agin, and I thought he had gin up all hopes of Sall, and she of him;
+when one night, a most particular uncommon dark night, as I was
+a-comin' home from neighbour Dearborne's, I heerd some one a-talkin'
+under Sall's window. Well, I stops and listens, and who should it be
+near the ash saplin', but Jim Munroe, a-tryin' to persuade Sall to
+run off with him to Rhode Island to be married. It was all settled,
+he should come with a horse and shay to the gate, and then help her
+out of the window, jist at nine o'clock, about the time she commonly
+went to bed. Then he axes her to reach down her hand for him to kiss
+(for he was proper clever at soft sawder), and she stretches it down
+and he kisses it; and, says he, 'I believe I must have the whole of
+you out arter all,' and gives her a jirk that kinder startled her;
+it came so sudden like it made her scream; so off he sot, hot foot,
+and over the gate in no time.
+
+"Well, I ciphered over this all night, a-calculatin' how I should
+reciprocate that trick with him, and at last I hit on a scheme. I
+recollected father's words at partin', 'MIND WHAT I TELL YOU, YOU'LL
+SWING FOR IT YET;' and thinks I, friend Jim, I'll make that prophecy
+come true yet, I guess. So the next night, jist at dark, I gives
+January Snow, the old nigger, a nidge with my elbow, and as soon as
+he looks up, I winks and walks out and he arter me. Says I, 'January
+can you keep your tongue within your teeth, you old nigger you?' 'Why
+massa, why you ax that 'ere question? My Gor A'mity, you tink old
+Snow he don't know dat 'ere yet? My tongue he got plenty room now,
+debil a tooth left; he can stretch out ever so far; like a little leg
+in a big bed, he lay quiet enough, Massa, neber fear.' 'Well, then,'
+says I, 'bend down that 'ere ash saplin' softly, you old Snowball,
+and make no noise. The saplin' was no sooner bent than secured to the
+ground by a notched peg and a noose, and a slip-knot was suspended
+from the tree, jist over the track that led from the pathway to the
+house. 'Why, my Gor, massa, that's a--' 'Hold your mug, you old
+nigger,' says I, 'or I'll send your tongue a-sarchin' arter your
+teeth; keep quiet, and follow me in presently.'
+
+"Well, jist as it struck nine o'clock, says I, 'Sally, hold this here
+hank of twine for a minute, till I wind a trifle on it off; that's
+a dear critter.' She sot down her candle, and I put the twine on
+her hands, and then I begins to wind and wind away ever so slow, and
+drops the ball every now and then, so as to keep her downstairs.
+'Sam,' says she, 'I do believe you won't wind that 'ere twine off all
+night, do give it to January; I won't stay no longer, I'm e'enamost
+dead asleep.' 'The old feller's arm is so plaguy onsteady,' says I,
+'it won't do; but hark, what's that, I'm sure I heerd something in
+the ash saplin', didn't you Sall?' 'I heerd the geese there, that's
+all,' says she, 'they always come under the windows at night;' but
+she looked scared enough, and says she, 'I vow I'm tired a holdin'
+out of my arms this way, and I won't do it no longer;' and down she
+throw'd the hank on the floor. 'Well,' says I, 'stop one minute,
+dear, till I send old January out to see if anybody is there;
+perhaps some o' neighbour Dearborne's cattle have broke into the
+sarce garden. January went out, though Sall say'd it was no use, for
+she knew the noise of the geese, they always kept close to the house
+at night, for fear of the varmin. Presently in runs old Snow, with
+his hair standin' up an eend, and the whites of his eyes lookin'
+as big as the rims of a soup plate. 'Oh! Gor A'mity,' said he, 'oh
+massa, oh Miss Sally, oh!' 'What on airth is the matter with you?'
+said Sally; 'how you do frighten me; I vow I believe you'r mad.'
+'Oh my Gor,' said he, 'oh! massa Jim Munroe he hang himself, on the
+ash saplin' under Miss Sally's window--oh my Gor!' That shot was a
+settler, it struck poor Sall right atwixt wind and water; she gave a
+lurch ahead, then healed over and sunk right down in another faintin'
+fit; and Juno, old Snow's wife, carried her off and laid her down on
+the bed. Poor thing, she felt ugly enough, I do suppose.
+
+"Well, father, I thought he'd a-fainted too, he was so struck up all
+of a heap, he was completely bung fungered. 'Dear, dear,' said he, 'I
+didn't think it would come to pass so soon, but I knew it would come;
+I foretold it; says I, the last time I seed him, "Jim," says I, "mind
+what I say, YOU'LL SWING FOR IT YET." Give me the sword I wore when
+I was at Bunker's hill--maybe there is life yet--I'll cut him down.'
+The lantern was soon made ready, and out we went to the ash saplin'.
+'Cut me down, Sam, that's a good fellow,' said Jim, 'all the blood
+in my body has swashed into my head, and's a-runnin' out o' my nose,
+I'm e'enamost smothered, be quick for heaven's sake.' 'The Lord be
+praised,' said father, 'the poor sinner is not quite dead yet. Why,
+as I'm alive--well if that don't beat all natur'! Why he has hanged
+himself by one leg, and's a-swingin' like a rabbit upside down,
+that's a fact. Why, if he ain't snared, Sam; he is properly wired I
+declare--I vow this is some o' your doin's, Sam--well it was a clever
+scheme too, but a little grain too dangerous, I guess.' 'Don't stand
+staring and jawin' there all night,' said Jim, 'cut me down, I tell
+you--or cut my throat and be damned to you, for I am chokin' with
+blood.' 'Roll over that 'ere hogshead, old Snow,' said I, 'till I get
+atop on it and cut him down.' So I soon released him, but he couldn't
+walk a bit. His ankle was swelled and sprained like vengeance, and he
+swore one leg was near about six inches longer than t'other. 'Jim
+Munroe,' says father, 'little did I think I should ever see you
+inside my door agin, but I bid you enter now, we owe you that
+kindness, anyhow.'
+
+"Well, to make a long story short, Jim was so chop-fallen, and so
+down in the mouth, he begged for heaven's sake it might be kept a
+secret; he said he would run the state, if ever it got wind, he was
+sure he couldn't stand it. 'It will be one while, I guess,' said
+father, 'afore you are able to run or stand either; but if you will
+give me your hand, Jim, and promise to give over your evil ways, I
+will not only keep it secret, but you shall be a welcome guest at old
+Sam Slick's once more, for the sake of your father. He was a brave
+man, one of the heroes of Bunker's hill; he was our Sergeant and--'
+'He promises,' says I, 'father' (for the old man had stuck his right
+foot out, the way he always stood when he told about the old war;
+and as Jim couldn't stir a peg, it was a grand chance, and he was
+a-goin' to give him the whole revolution from General Gage up to
+Independence), 'he promises,' says I, 'father.' Well it was all
+settled, and things soon grew as calm as a pan of milk two days old;
+and afore a year was over, Jim was as steady a-goin' man as Minister
+Joshua Hopewell, and was married to our Sall. Nothin' was ever
+said about the snare till arter the weddin'. When the Minister had
+finished axin' a blessin', father goes up to Jim, and says he, 'Jim
+Munroe, my boy,' givin' him a rousin' slap on the shoulder that sot
+him a-coughin' for the matter of five minutes (for he was a mortal
+powerful man, was father), 'Jim Munroe, my boy,' says he, 'you've
+got the snare round your neck, I guess now, instead of your leg;
+the saplin' has been a father to you, may you be the father of
+many saplin's.'
+
+"We had a most special time of it, you may depend, all except the
+minister; father got him into a corner, and gave him chapter and
+verse for the whole war. Every now and then as I come near them, I
+heard Bunker's Hill, Brandywine, Clinton, Gates, and so on. It was
+broad day when we parted, and the last that went was poor minister.
+Father followed him clean down to the gate, and says he, 'Minister,
+we hadn't time this hitch, or I'd a told you all about the evakyation
+of New York, but I'll tell you that the next time we meet.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXI
+
+Setting up for Governor.
+
+
+"I never see one of them queer little old-fashioned teapots, like
+that 'ere in the cupboard of Marm Pugwash," said the Clockmaker,
+"that I don't think of Lawyer Crowningshield and his wife. When I was
+down to Rhode Island last, I spent an evening with them. Arter I had
+been there a while, the black house-help brought in a little home
+made dipped candle, stuck in a turnip sliced in two, to make it stand
+straight, and set it down on the table. 'Why,' says the lawyer to his
+wife, 'Increase my dear, what on airth is the meanin' o' that? What
+does little Viney mean by bringin' in such a light as this, that
+ain't fit for even a log hut of one of our free and enlightened
+citizens away down east; where's the lamp?' 'My dear,' says she, 'I
+ordered it--you know they are a-goin' to set you up for Governor next
+year, and I allot we must economize or we will be ruined; the salary
+is only four hundred dollars a year, you know, and you'll have to
+give up your practice; we can't afford nothin' now.'
+
+"Well, when tea was brought in, there was a little wee china teapot,
+that held about the matter of half a pint or so, and cups and sarcers
+about the bigness of children's toys. When he seed that, he grew most
+peskily riled, his under lip curled down like a peach leaf that's got
+a worm in it, and he stripped his teeth, and showed his grinders,
+like a bull-dog. 'What foolery is this?' said he. 'My dear,' said
+she, 'it's the foolery of being Governor; if you choose to sacrifice
+all your comfort to being the first rung in the ladder, don't blame
+me for it. I didn't nominate you--I had not art nor part in it. It
+was cooked up at that 'ere Convention, at Town Hall.' Well, he sot
+for some time without sayin' a word, lookin' as black as a thunder
+cloud, just ready to make all natur' crack agin. At last he gets up,
+and walks round behind his wife's chair, and takin' her face between
+his two hands, he turns it up and gives her a buss that went off like
+a pistol; it fairly made my mouth water to see him; thinks I, Them
+lips ain't a bad bank to deposit one's spare kisses in, neither.
+'Increase, my dear,' said he, 'I believe you are half right; I'll
+decline tomorrow, I'll have nothin' to do with it. I WON'T BE A
+GOVERNOR, ON NO ACCOUNT.'
+
+"Well, she had to haw and gee like, both a little, afore she could
+get her head out of his hands; and then she said, 'Zachariah,' says
+she, 'how you do act! Ain't you ashamed? Do for gracious sake behave
+yourself!' and she coloured up all over like a crimson piany; 'if you
+havn't foozled all my hair too, that's a fact,' says she; and she put
+her curls to rights, and looked as pleased as fun, though poutin'
+all the time, and walked right out of the room. Presently in come
+two well dressed house-helps, one with a splendid gilt lamp, a real
+London touch, and another with a tea tray, with a large solid silver
+coffee pot, and teapot, and a cream jug, and sugar bowl, of the same
+genuine metal, and a most an elegant set of real gilt china. Then in
+came Marm Crowningshield herself, lookin' as proud as if she would
+not call the President her cousin; and she gave the lawyer a look, as
+much as to say, I guess when Mr. Slick is gone, I'll pay you off that
+'ere kiss with interest, you dear you; I'll answer a bill at sight
+for it, I will, you may depend. 'I believe,' said he agin, 'you are
+right, Increase, my dear, it's an expensive kind of honour that,
+bein' Governor, and no great thanks neither; great cry and little
+wool, all talk and no cider. It's enough I guess for a man to govern
+his own family, ain't it, dear?' 'Sartin, my love,' said she,
+'sartin, a man is never so much in his own proper sphere as there;
+and beside,' said she, 'his will is supreme to home, there is no
+danger of any one non-concurring him there;' and she gave me a sly
+look, as much as to say, I let him think he is master in his own
+house, FOR WHEN LADIES WEAR THE BREECHES, THEIR PETTICOATS OUGHT TO
+BE LONG ENOUGH TO HIDE THEM; but I allot, Mr. Slick, you can see with
+half an eye that the 'grey mare is the better horse' here.
+
+"What a pity it is," continued the Clockmaker, "that the Bluenoses
+would not take a leaf out of Marm Crowninshield's book--talk more of
+their own affairs and less of politics. I'm sick of the everlastin'
+sound of 'House of Assembly,' and 'Council,' and 'great folks.' They
+never alleviate talking about them from July to etarnity.
+
+"I had a curious conversation about politics once, away up to the
+right here. Do you see that 'ere house," said he, "in the field,
+that's got a lurch to leeward, like a north river sloop, struck with
+a squall, off West Point, lopsided like? It looks like Seth Pine, a
+tailor down to Hartford, that had one leg shorter than t'other, when
+he stood at ease at militia trainin', a-restin' on the littlest one.
+Well, I had a special frolic there the last time I passed this way.
+I lost the linch pin out of my forrard axle, and I turned up there
+to get it sot to rights. Just as I drove through the gate, I saw the
+eldest gal a-makin' for the house for dear life--she had a short
+petticoat on that looked like a kilt, and her bare legs put me in
+mind of the long shanks of a bittern down in a rush swamp, a-drivin'
+away like mad, full chisel arter a frog. I couldn't think what on
+airth was the matter. Thinks I, she wants to make herself look decent
+like afore I get in, she don't like to pull her stockings on afore
+me; so I pulls up the old horse and let her have a fair start. Well,
+when I came to the door, I heard a proper scuddin'; there was a
+regular flight into Egypt, jist such a noise as little children make
+when the mistress comes suddenly into school, all a-huddlin' and
+scroudgin' into their seats, as quick as wink. 'Dear me!' says the
+old woman, as she put her head out of a broken window to avail who it
+was, 'is it you, Mr. Slick? I sniggers, if you didn't frighten us
+properly, we actilly thought it was the sheriff; do come in.
+
+"Poor thing, she looked half starved and half savage, hunger and
+temper had made proper strong lines in her face, like water furrows
+in a ploughed field; she looked bony and thin, like a horse that has
+had more work than oats, and had a wicked expression, as though it
+warn't over safe to come too near her heels--an everlastin' kicker.
+'You may come out, John,' said she to her husband, 'it's only Mr.
+Slick;' and out came John from under the bed backwards, on all fours,
+like an ox out of the shoein' frame, or a lobster skullin' wrong eend
+foremost; he looked as wild as a hawk. Well, I swan, I thought I
+should have split, I could hardly keep from bustin' right out with
+larfter; he was all covered with feathers, lint and dust, the savin's
+of all the sweepin's since the house was built, shoved under there
+for tidiness. He actilly sneezed for the matter of ten minutes--he
+seemed half choked with the flaff and stuff, that came out with him
+like a cloud. Lord, he looked like a goose half picked, as if all the
+quills were gone, but the pin-feathers and down were left, jist ready
+for singein' and stuffin. He put me in mind of a sick Adjutant, a
+great tall hulkin' bird, that comes from the East Indgies, a'most as
+high as a man, and most as knowin' as a Bluenose. I'd a gin a hundred
+dollars to have had that chap as a show at a fair; tar and feathers
+warn't half as nateral. You've seen a gal both larf and cry at the
+same time, hain't you? Well, I hope I may be shot if I couldn't have
+done the same. To see that critter come like a turkey out of a bag
+at Christmas, to be fired at for ten cents a shot, was as good as a
+play; but to look round and see the poverty--the half-naked children;
+the old pine stumps for chairs; a small bin of poor, watery, yaller
+potatoes in the corner; daylight through the sides and roof of the
+house, lookin' like the tarred seams of a ship, all black where the
+smoke got out; no utensils for cookin' or eatin'; and starvation
+wrote as plain as a handbill on their holler cheeks, skinney fingers,
+and sunk eyes--went right straight to the heart. I do declare I
+believe I should have cried, only they didn't seem to mind it
+themselves. They had been used to it, like a man that's married to
+a thunderin' ugly wife, he gets so accustomed to the look of her
+everlastin' dismal mug, that he don't think her ugly at all.
+
+"Well, there was another chap a-settin' by the fire, and he DID look
+as if he saw it, and felt it too; he didn't seem over half pleased,
+you may depend. He was the District Schoolmaster, and he told me he
+was takin' a spell at boardin' there, for it was their turn to keep
+him. Thinks I to myself, poor devil, you've brought your pigs to a
+pretty market, that's a fact. I see how it is, the Bluenoses can't
+cipher. The cat's out of the bag now; it's no wonder they don't go
+ahead, for they don't know nothin'; the 'Schoolmaster is abroad,'
+with the devil to it, for he has no home at all. Why, Squire, you
+might jist as well expect a horse to go right off in gear, before he
+is halter broke, as a Bluenose to get on in the world, when he has
+got no schoolin'.
+
+"But to get back to my story. 'Well,' says I, 'how's times with you,
+Mrs. Spry?' 'Dull,' says she, 'very dull; there's no markets now,
+things don't fetch nothin'.' Thinks I, some folks hadn't ought to
+complain of markets, for they don't raise nothin' to sell, but I
+didn't say so; FOR POVERTY IS KEEN ENOUGH, WITHOUT SHARPENING ITS
+EDGE BY POKIN' FUN AT IT. 'Potatoes,' says I, 'will fetch a good
+price this fall, for it's a short crop in a general way; how's
+your'n?' 'Grand,' says she, 'as complete as you ever seed; our tops
+were small and didn't look well; but we have the handsomest bottoms,
+it's generally allowed, in all our place; you never seed the best of
+them, they are actilly worth lookin' at.' I vow I had to take a chaw
+of tobaccy to keep from snortin' right out, it sounded so queer like.
+Thinks I to myself, old lady, it's a pity you couldn't be changed
+eend for eend then, as some folks do their stockings; it would
+improve the look of your dial-plate amazin'ly then, that's a fact.
+
+"Now there was human natur', Squire," said the Clockmaker, "there was
+pride even in that hovel. It is found in rags as well as King's
+robes, where butter is spread with the thumb as well as the silver
+knife, NATUR' IS NATUR' WHEREVER YOU FIND IT.
+
+"Jist then, in came one or two neighbours to see the sport, for they
+took me for a sheriff or constable, or something of that breed, and
+when they saw it was me they sot down to hear the news; they fell
+right too at politics as keen as anything, as if it had been a dish
+of real Connecticut slapjacks, or hominy; or what is better still, a
+glass of real genuine splendid mint julep, WHE-EU-UP, it fairly makes
+my mouth water to think of it. 'I wonder,' says one, 'what they will
+do for us this winter in the House of Assembly?' 'Nothin',' says the
+other, 'they never do nothin' but what the great people at Halifax
+tell 'em. Squire Yeoman is the man, he'll pay up the great folks this
+hitch, he'll let 'em have their own, he's jist the boy that can do
+it.' Says I, 'I wish I could say all men were as honest then, for
+I am afeard there are a great many won't pay me up this winter; I
+should like to trade with your friend, who is he?' 'Why,' says he,
+'he is the member for Isle Sable County, and if he don't let the
+great folks have it, it's a pity.' 'Who do you call great folks?'
+said I, 'for I vow I havn't seed one since I came here. The only one
+that I know that comes near hand to one is Nicholas Overknocker,
+that lives all along shore, about Margaret's Bay, and HE IS a great
+man--it takes a yoke of oxen to drag him. When I first seed him, says
+I, "What on airth is the matter o' that man, has he the dropsy? For
+he is actilly the greatest man I ever seed; he must weigh the matter
+of five hundred weight; he'd cut three inches on the rib; he must
+have a proper sight of lard, that chap." No,' says I, 'don't call 'em
+great men, for there ain't a great man in the country, that's a fact;
+there ain't one that desarves the name; folks will only larf at you
+if you talk that way. There may be some rich men, and I believe there
+be, and it's a pity there warn't more on 'em, and a still greater
+pity they have so little spirit or enterprise among 'em, but a
+country is none the worse of having rich men in it, you may depend.
+Great folks! Well, come, that's a good joke, that bangs the bush. No,
+my friend,' says I, 'the meat that's at the top of the barrel, is
+sometimes not so good as that that's a little further down; the
+upper and lower eends are plaguy apt to have a little taint in 'em,
+but the middle is always good.'
+
+"'Well,' says the Bluenose, 'perhaps they bean't great men, exactly
+in that sense, but they are great men compared to us poor folks;
+and they eat up all the revenue; there's nothin' left for roads and
+bridges; they want to ruin the country, that's a fact.' 'Want to ruin
+your granny,' says I (for it raised my dander to hear the critter
+talk such nonsense); I did hear of one chap,' says I, 'that sot fire
+to his own house once, up to Squantum, but the cunnin' rascal insured
+it first; now how can your great folks ruin the country without
+ruinin' themselves, unless they have insured the Province? Our folks
+will insure all creation for half nothin', but I never heerd tell of
+a country being insured agin rich men. Now if you ever go to Wall
+Street to get such a policy, leave the door open behind you, that's
+all; or they'll grab right hold of you, shave your head and blister
+it, clap a straight jacket on you, and whip you right into a mad
+house, afore you can say Jack Robinson. No, your great men are
+nothin' but rich men, and I can tell you for your comfort, there's
+nothin' to hinder you from bein' rich too, if you will take the same
+means as they did. They were once all as poor folks as you be, or
+their fathers afore them; for I know their whole breed, seed and
+generation, and they wouldn't thank you to tell them that you knew
+their fathers and grandfathers, I tell you. If ever you want the loan
+of a hundred pounds from any of them, keep dark about that; see as
+far ahead as you please, but it ain't always pleasant to have folks
+see too far back. Perhaps they be a little proud or so, but that's
+nateral; all folks that grow up right off, like a mushroom in one
+night, are apt to think no small beer of themselves. A cabbage has
+plaguy large leaves to the bottom, and spreads them out as wide as
+an old woman's petticoats, to hide the ground it sprung from, and
+conceal its extraction, but what's that to you? If they get too large
+salaries, dock 'em down at once, but don't keep talkin' about it for
+everlastinly. If you have too many sarvents, pay some on 'em off, or
+when they quit your sarvice don't hire others in their room, that's
+all; but you miss your mark when you keep firin' away at bankers,
+lawyers, and public officers, the whole blessed time that way.
+
+"'I went out a-gunnin' once when I was a boy, and father went along
+with me to teach me. Well, the first flock of plover I seed I let
+slip at 'em, and missed 'em. Says father, says he, "What a blockhead
+you be, Sam, that's your own fault, they were too far off; you hadn't
+ought to have fired so soon. At Bunker's hill we let the British come
+right on till we seed the whites of their eyes, and then we let 'em
+have it slap bang." Well, I felt kinder grigged at missin' my shot,
+and I didn't over half like to be scolded too; so, says I, "Yes,
+father; but recollect you had a mud bank to hide behind, where you
+were proper safe, and you had a rest for your guns too; but as soon
+as you seed a little more than the whites of their eyes, you run for
+dear life, full split; and so I don't see much to brag on in that
+arter all, so come now." "I'll teach you to talk that way, you puppy
+you," said he, "of that glorious day;" and he fetched me a wipe that
+I do believe if I hadn't a dodged, would have spoiled my gunnin' for
+that hitch; so I gave him a wide birth arter that all day. Well, the
+next time I missed, says I, "She hung fire so everlastinly, it's no
+wonder;" and the next miss, says I, "The powder is no good, I vow."
+Well, I missed every shot, and I had an excuse for every one on
+'em--the flint was bad, or she flashed in the pan, or the shot
+scaled, or something or another; and when all wouldn't do, I swore
+the gun was no good at all. "Now," says father (and he edged up all
+the time, to pay me off for that hit at his Bunker hill story, which
+was the only shot I didn't miss), you hain't got the right reason
+arter all. It was your own fault, Sam."
+
+"'Now that's jist the case with you; you may blame Banks and Council,
+and House of Assembly, and "the great men," till you are tired, but
+it's all your own fault--YOU'VE NO SPIRIT AND NO ENTERPRISE, YOU WANT
+INDUSTRY AND ECONOMY; USE THEM, AND YOU'LL SOON BE AS RICH AS THE
+PEOPLE AT HALIFAX YOU CALL GREAT FOLKS. They didn't grow rich by
+talkin', but by workin'; instead of lookin' after other folks'
+business, they looked about the keenest arter their own. You are like
+the machinery of one of our boats--good enough, and strong enough,
+but of no airthly use till you get the steam up; you want to be set
+in motion, and then you'll go ahead like anything, you may depend.
+Give up politics. It's a barren field, and well watched too; when one
+critter jumps a fence into a good field and gets fat, more nor twenty
+are chased round and round, by a whole pack of yelpin' curs, till
+they are fairly beat out, and eend by bein' half-starved, and are
+at the liftin' at last. Look to your farms, your water powers, your
+fisheries, and factories. In short,' says I, puttin' on my hat and
+startin', 'look to yourselves, and don't look to others.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXII
+
+A Cure for Conceit.
+
+
+"It's a most curious, unaccountable thing, but it's a fact," said
+the Clockmaker, "the Bluenoses are so conceited, they think they
+know everything; and yet there ain't a livin' soul in Nova Scotia
+knows his own business real complete, farmer or fisherman, lawyer
+or doctor, or any other folk. A farmer said to me one day, up to
+Pugnose's inn at River Philip, 'Mr. Slick,' says he, 'I allot this
+ain't "A BREAD COUNTRY;" I intend to sell off the house I improve,
+and go to the States.' 'If it ain't a bread country,' said I, 'I
+never seed one that was. There is more bread used here, made of best
+superfine flour, and No. 1 Genesssee, than in any other place of the
+same population in the univarse. You might as well say it ain't a
+clock country, when, to my sartin knowledge, there are more clocks
+than bibles in it. I guess you expect to raise your bread ready made,
+don't you? Well there's only one class of our free and enlightened
+citizens that can do that, and that's them that are born with silver
+spoons in their mouths. It's a pity you wasn't availed of this truth,
+afore you up killoch and off; take my advice and bide where you be.'
+
+"Well, the fishermen are jist as bad. The next time you go into
+the fish market at Halifax, stump some of the old hands; says you
+'how many fins has a cod, at a word?' and I'll liquidate the bet
+if you lose it. When I've been along-shore afore now, a-vendin'
+of my clocks, and they began to raise my dander, by belittleing
+the Yankees, I always brought them up by a round turn by that
+requirement, 'How many fins has a cod, at a word.' Well, they never
+could answer it; and then, says I, 'When you larn your own business,
+I guess it will be time enough to teach other folks their'n.'
+
+"How different it is with our men folk, if they can't get through a
+question, how beautifully they can go round it, can't they? Nothin'
+never stops them. I had two brothers, Josiah and Eldad, one was a
+lawyer, and the other a doctor. They were a-talkin' about their
+examinations one night, at a huskin' frolic, up to Governor Ball's
+big stone barn at Slickville. Says Josy, 'When I was examined, the
+judge axed me all about real estate; and, says he, "Josiah," says he,
+"what's a fee?" "Why," says I, "Judge, it depends on the natur' of
+the case. In a common one," says I, "I call six dollars a pretty
+fair one; but lawyer Webster has got afore now, I've heerd tell,
+one thousand dollars, and that I DO CALL a fee." Well, the judge he
+larfed ready to split his sides (thinks I, old chap, you'll bust
+like a steam b'iler, if you hain't got a safety valve somewhere or
+another), and says he, "I vow that's superfine; I'll indorse your
+certificate for you, young man; there's no fear of you, you'll pass
+the inspection brand anyhow."
+
+"'Well,' says Eldad, 'I hope I may be skinned if the same thing
+didn't e'enamost happen to me at my examination. They axed me a
+'nation sight of questions, some on 'em I could answer, and some on
+'em no soul could, right off the reel at a word, without a little
+cipherin'; at last they axed me, "How would you calculate to put a
+patient into a sweat, when common modes wouldn't work no how?" "Why,"
+says I, "I'd do as Dr. Comfort Payne sarved father." "And how was
+that?" said they. "Why," says I, "he put him into such a sweat as I
+never seed him in afore, in all my born days, since I was raised, by
+sending him in his bill, and if that didn't sweat him it's a pity; it
+was an ACTIVE dose you may depend." "I guess that 'ere chap has cut
+his eye-teeth," said the President; "let him pass as approbated."'
+
+"They both knowed well enough; they only made as if they didn't, to
+poke a little fun at them, for the Slick family were counted in a
+general way to be pretty considerable cute.
+
+"They reckon themselves here a chalk above us Yankees, but I guess
+they have a wrinkle or two to grow afore they progress ahead on us
+yet. If they hain't got a full cargo of conceit here, then I never
+seed a load, that's all. They have the hold chock full, deck piled up
+to the pump handles, and scuppers under water. They larnt that of the
+British, who are actilly so full of it, they remind me of Commodore
+Trip. When he was about half-shaved he thought everybody drunk but
+himself. I never liked the last war, I thought it unnateral, and
+that we hadn't ought to have taken hold of it at all, and so most of
+our New England folks thought; and I wasn't sorry to hear Gineral
+Dearborne was beat, seein' we had no call to go into Canada. But when
+the Guerriere was captivated by our old Ironsides, the Constitution,
+I did feel lifted up amost as high as a stalk of Varginny corn among
+Connecticut middlins; I grew two inches taller I vow, the night I
+heerd that news. Brag, says I, is a good dog, but Holdfast is better.
+The British navals had been a-braggin' and a-hectorin' so long, that
+when they landed in our cities, they swaggered e'enamost as much as
+Uncle Peleg (big Peleg as he was called), and when he walked up the
+centre of one of our narrow Boston streets, he used to swing his arms
+on each side of him, so that folks had to clear out of both foot
+paths; he's cut, afore now, the fingers of both hands agin the shop
+windows on each side of the street. Many the poor feller's crupper
+bone he's smashed, with his great thick boots, a-throwin' out his
+feet afore him e'enamost out of sight, when he was in full rig
+a-swigglin' away at the top of his gait. Well, they cut as many
+shines as Uncle Peleg. One frigate they guessed would captivate,
+sink, or burn our whole navy. Says a naval one day, to the skipper of
+a fishing boat that he took, says he, 'Is it true Commodore Decatur's
+sword is made of an old iron hoop?' 'Well,' says the skipper, 'I'm
+not quite certified as to that, seein' as I never sot eyes on it; but
+I guess if he gets a chance he'll show you the temper of it some of
+these days, anyhow.'
+
+"I mind once a British man-o'-war took one of our Boston vessels, and
+ordered all hands on board, and sent a party to skuttle her; well,
+they skuttled the fowls and the old particular genuine rum, but they
+obliviated their arrand and left her. Well, next day another frigate
+(for they were as thick as toads arter a rain) comes near her, and
+fires a shot for her to bring to. No answer was made, there bein' no
+livin' soul on board, and another shot fired, still no answer. 'Why
+what on airth is the meanin' of this,' said the Captain; 'why don't
+they haul down that damn goose and gridiron?' (That's what he called
+our eagle and stars on the flag.) 'Why,' says the first leftenant,
+'I guess they are all dead men, that shot frightened them to death.'
+'They are afeared to show their noses,' says another, 'lest they
+should be shaved off by our shots.' 'They are all down below
+"A-CALCULATIN'" their loss I guess,' says a third. 'I'll take my
+davy,' says the Captain, 'it's some Yankee trick--a torpedo in her
+bottom or some such trap; we'll let her be;' and sure enough, next
+day, back she came to shore of herself. 'I'll give you a quarter of
+an hour,' says the Captain of the Guerriere to his men, 'to take that
+'ere Yankee frigate, the Constitution.' I guess he found his mistake
+where he didn't expect it, without any great sarch for it either.
+Yes (to eventuate my story), it did me good; I felt dreadful nice,
+I promise you. It was as lovely as bitters of a cold mornin'. Our
+folks beat 'em arter that so often, they got a little grain too much
+conceit also. They got their heels too high for their boots, and
+began to walk like uncle Peleg too, so that when the Chesapeake got
+whipped I warn't sorry. We could spare that one, and it made our
+navals look round, like a feller who gets a hoist, to see who's
+a-larfin' at him. It made 'em brush the dust off, and walk on rather
+sheepish. It cut their combs that's a fact. The war did us a plaguy
+sight of good in more ways than one, and it did the British some good
+too. It taught 'em not to carry their chins too high, for fear they
+shouldn't see the gutters--a mistake that's spoiled many a bran' new
+coat and trousers afore now.
+
+"Well, these Bluenoses have caught this disease, as folks do the
+Scotch fiddle, by shakin' hands along with the British. Conceit has
+become here, as Doctor Rush says (you have heerd tell of him? he's
+the first man of the age, and it's generally allowed our doctors take
+the shine off of all the world), acclimated; it is citizenized among
+'em; and the only cure is a real good quiltin'. I met a first chop
+Colchester gag this summer a-goin' to the races to Halifax, and he
+knowed as much about racin', I do suppose, as a Choctaw Ingian does
+of a railroad. Well, he was a-praisin' of his horse, and runnin'
+on like statiee. He was begot, he said, by Roncesvalles, which was
+better than any horse that ever was seen, because he was once in
+a duke's stable in England. It was only a man that had blood like
+a lord, said he, that knew what blood in a horse was. Captain
+Currycomb, an officer at Halifax, had seen his horse and praised him;
+and that was enough--that stamped him--that fixed his value. It was
+like the President's name to a bank note, it makes it pass current.
+'Well,' says I, 'I hain't got a drop of blood in me, nothin' stronger
+than molasses and water, I vow, but I guess I know a horse when I see
+him for all that, and I don't think any great shakes of your beast,
+anyhow. What start will you give me,' says I, 'and I will run Old
+Clay agin you, for a mile lick right an eend.' 'Ten rods,' said he,
+'for twenty dollars.' Well, we run, and I made Old Clay bite in his
+breath and only beat him by half a neck. 'A tight scratch,' says I,
+'that, and it would have sarved me right if I had been beat. I had
+no business to run an old roadster so everlastin' fast, it ain't fair
+on him, is it?' Says he, 'I will double the bet and start even, and
+run you agin if you dare.' 'Well,' says I, 'since I won the last it
+wouldn't be pretty not to give you a chance; I do suppose I oughtn't
+to refuse, but I don't love to abuse my beast by knockin' him about
+this way.'
+
+"As soon as the money was staked, I said, 'Hadn't we better,' says
+I, 'draw stakes? That 'ere blood horse of your'n has such uncommon
+particular bottom, he'll perhaps leave me clean out of sight.' 'No
+fear of that,' said he, larfin', 'but he'll beat you easy, anyhow. No
+flinchin',' says he, 'I'll not let you go back of the bargain. It's
+run or forfeit.' 'Well,' says I, 'friend, there is fear of it; your
+horse will leave me out of sight, to a sartainty, that's a fact,
+for he CAN'T KEEP UP TO ME NO TIME. I'll drop him, hull down, in tu
+tu's.' If Old Clay didn't make a fool of him, it's a pity. Didn't
+he gallop pretty, that's all? He walked away from him, jist as the
+Chancellor Livingston steamboat passes a sloop at anchor in the north
+river. Says I, 'I told you your horse would beat me clean out of
+sight, but you wouldn't believe me; now,' says I, 'I will tell you
+something else. That 'ere horse will help, you to lose more money to
+Halifax than you are a-thinkin' on; for there ain't a beast gone down
+there that won't beat him. He can't run a bit, and you may tell the
+British Captain I say so. Take him home and sell him, buy a good yoke
+of oxen; they are fast enough for a farmer, and give up blood horses
+to them that can afford to keep stable helps to tend 'em, and leave
+bettin' alone to them, as has more money nor wit, and can afford to
+lose their cash, without thinkin' agin of their loss.' 'When I want
+your advice,' said he, 'I will ask it,' most peskily sulky. 'You
+might have got it before you axed for it,' said I, 'but not afore you
+wanted it, you may depend on it. But stop,' said I, 'let's see that
+all's right afore we part;' so I counts over the fifteen pounds I
+won of him, note by note, as slow as anything, on purpose to rile
+him; then I mounts Old Clay agin, and says I, 'Friend, you have
+considerably the advantage of me this hitch, anyhow.' 'Possible!'
+says he, 'how's that?' 'Why,' says I, 'I guess you'll return rather
+lighter than you came, and that's more nor I can say, anyhow;' and
+then I gave him a wink and a jupe of the head, as much as to say, 'do
+you take?' and rode on and left him starin' and scratchin' his head
+like a feller who's lost his road. If that citizen ain't a born fool,
+or too far gone in the disease, depend on't, he found 'A CURE FOR
+CONCEIT.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXIII
+
+The Blowin' Time.
+
+
+The long, rambling dissertation on conceit to which I had just
+listened, from the Clockmaker, forcibly reminded me of the celebrated
+aphorism "gnothi seauton," know thyself, which, both from its great
+antiquity and wisdom, has been by many attributed to an oracle.
+
+With all his shrewdness to discover, and his humour to ridicule the
+foibles of others, Mr. Slick was kind to the many defects of his own
+character; and while prescribing "a cure for conceit," exhibited in
+all he said, and all he did, the most overweening conceit himself.
+He never spoke of his own countrymen, without calling them "the
+most free and enlightened citizens on the face of the airth," or as
+"takin' the shine off of all creation." His country he boasted to
+be the "best atween the poles," "the greatest glory under heaven."
+The Yankees he considered (to use his expression) as "actilly the
+class-leaders in knowledge among all the Americans," and boasted that
+they have not only "gone ahead of all others," but had lately arrived
+at that most enviable NE PLUS ULTRA point, "goin' ahead of
+themselves." In short, he entertained no doubt that Slickville was
+the finest place in the greatest nation in the world, and the Slick
+family the wisest family in it.
+
+I was about calling his attention to this national trait, when I saw
+him draw his reins under his foot (a mode of driving peculiar to
+himself, when he wished to economize the time that would otherwise be
+lost by an unnecessary delay), and taking off his hat (which, like a
+peddler's pack, contained a general assortment), select from a number
+of loose cigars one that appeared likely "to go," as he called it.
+Having lighted it by a lucifer, and ascertained that it was "true in
+draft," he resumed his reins and remarked--
+
+"This must be an everlastin' fine country beyond all doubt, for the
+folks have nothin' to do but to ride about and talk politics. In
+winter, when the ground is covered with snow, what grand times they
+have a-sleighin' over these here marshes with the gals, or playin'
+ball on the ice, or goin' to quiltin' frolics of nice long winter
+evenings, and then a-drivin' home like mad, by moonlight. Natur'
+meant that season on purpose for courtin'. A little tidy scrumptious
+lookin' sleigh, a real clipper of a horse, a string of bells as long
+as a string of inions round his neck, and a sprig on his back,
+lookin' for all the world like a bunch of apples broke off at
+gatherin' time, and a sweetheart alongside, all muffled up but
+her eyes and lips--the one lookin' right into you, and the other
+talkin' right at you--is e'enamost enough to drive one ravin' tarin'
+distracted mad with pleasure, ain't it? And then the dear critters
+say the bells make such a din there's no hearin' one's self speak; so
+they put their pretty little mugs close up to your face, and talk,
+talk, talk, till one can't help lookin' right at them instead of
+the horse, and then whap you both go capsized into a snowdrift
+together, skins, cushions and all. And then to see the little
+critter shake herself when she gets up, like a duck landin' from a
+pond, a-chatterin' away all the time like a canary bird, and you a
+haw-hawin' with pleasure, is fun alive, you may depend. In this way
+Bluenose gets led on to offer himself as a lovier, afore he knows
+where he bees.
+
+"But when he gets married, he recovers his eyesight in little less
+than half no time. He soon finds he's treed; his flint is fixed then,
+you may depend. She larns him how vinegar is made: 'Put plenty of
+sugar into the water aforehand, my dear,' says she, 'if you want to
+make it real sharp.' The larf is on the other side of his mouth then.
+If his sleigh gets upsot, it's no longer a funny matter, I tell you;
+he catches it right and left. Her eyes don't look right up to his'n
+any more, nor her little tongue ring, ring, ring, like a bell any
+longer, but a great big hood covers her head, and a whappin' great
+muff covers her face, and she looks like a bag of soiled clothes
+a-goin' to the brook to be washed. When they get out, she don't wait
+any more for him to walk lock and lock with her, but they march like
+a horse and a cow to water, one in each gutter. If there ain't a
+transmogrification it's a pity. The difference atween a wife and a
+sweetheart is near about as great as there is between new and hard
+cider: a man never tires of puttin' one to his lips, but makes plaguy
+wry faces at t'other. It makes me so kinder wamblecropt when I think
+on it, that I'm afeared to venture on matrimony at all. I have seen
+some Bluenoses most properly bit, you may depend. You've seen a boy
+a-slidin' on a most beautiful smooth bit of ice, hain't you, larfin',
+and hoopin', and hallooin' like one possessed, when presently sowse
+he goes in over head and ears? How he outs, fins, and flops about,
+and blows like a porpoise properly frightened, don't he? and when he
+gets out there he stands; all shiverin' and shakin', and the water
+a squish-squashin' in his shoes, and his trousers all stickin'
+slimsey-like to his legs. Well, he sneaks off home, lookin' like a
+fool, and thinkin' everybody he meets is a-larfin' at him--many folks
+here are like that 'ere boy, afore they have been six months married.
+They'd be proper glad to get out of the scrape too, and sneak off if
+they could, that's a fact. The marriage yoke is plaguy apt to gall
+the neck, as the ash bow does the ox in rainy weather, unless it be
+most particularly well fitted. You've seen a yoke of cattle that
+warn't properly mated, they spend more strength in pullin' agin each
+other, than in pullin' the load. Well that's apt to be the case with
+them as choose their wives in sleighin' parties, quiltin' frolics,
+and so on; instead of the dairies, looms, and cheese-houses.
+
+"Now the Bluenoses are all a-stirrin' in winter. The young folks
+drive out the gals, and talk love and all sorts of things as sweet
+as doughnuts. The old folks find it near about as well to leave the
+old women to home, for fear they shouldn't keep tune together; so
+they drive out alone to chat about House of Assembly with their
+neighbours, while the boys and hired helps do the chores. When the
+Spring comes, and the fields are dry enough to be sowed, they all
+have to be ploughed, 'CAUSE FALL RAINS WASH THE LANDS TOO MUCH FOR
+FALL PLOUGHIN'. Well, the ploughs have to be mended and sharpened,
+'CAUSE WHAT'S THE USE OF DOIN' THAT AFORE IT'S WANTED? Well, the
+wheat gets in too late, and then comes rust; but whose fault is that?
+WHY, THE CLIMATE TO BE SURE, FOR NOVA SCOTIA AIN'T A BREAD COUNTRY.
+
+"When a man has to run ever so far as fast as he can clip, he has
+to stop and take breath; you must do that or choke. So it is with a
+horse; run him a mile, and his flanks will heave like a Blacksmith's
+bellows; you must slack up the rein and give him a little wind, or
+he'll fall right down with you. It stands to reason, don't it? Atwixt
+spring and fall work is 'BLOWIN' TIME.' Then Courts come on, and
+Grand Jury business, and Militia trainin', and Race trainin', and
+what not; and a fine spell of ridin' about and doin' nothin', a real
+'BLOWIN TIME.' Then comes harvest, and that is proper hard work:
+mowin' and pitchin' hay, and reapin' and bindin' grain, and potato
+diggin'. That's as hard as sole leather, afore it's hammered on the
+lap stone; it's a'most next to anything. It takes a feller as tough
+as Old Hickory (General Jackson) to stand that.
+
+"Ohio is 'most the only country I knew of where folks are saved that
+trouble; and there the freshets come jist in the nick of time for
+'em, and sweep all the crops right up in a heap for 'em, and they
+have nothin' to do but take it home and house it, and sometimes a man
+gets more than his own crop, and finds a proper swad of it all ready
+piled up, only a little wet or so; but all countries ain't like Ohio.
+Well, arter harvest comes fall, and then there's a grand 'blowin'
+time' till spring. Now, how the Lord the Bluenoses can complain of
+their country, when it's only one third work and two-thirds 'blowin'
+time,' no soul can tell.
+
+"Father used to say, when I lived on the farm along with him, 'Sam,'
+says he, 'I vow I wish there was jist four hundred days in the year,
+for it's a plaguy sight too short for me. I can find as much work as
+all hands on us can do for three hundred and sixty-five days, and
+jist thirty-five days more, if we had 'em. We hain't got a minit to
+spare; you must shell the corn and winner the grain at night, and
+clean all up slick, or I guess we'll fall astarn as sure as the Lord
+made Moses.' If he didn't keep us all at it, a-drivin' away full
+chisel, the whole blessed time, it's a pity. There was no 'blowin'
+time' there, you may depend. We ploughed all the fall for dear life;
+in winter we thrashed, made and mended tools, went to market and
+mill, and got out our firewood and rails. As soon as frost was gone,
+came sowin' and plantin', weedin' and hoein'; then harvest and
+spreadin' compost; then gatherin' manure, fencin' and ditchin'; and
+then turn tu and fall ploughin' agin. It all went round like a wheel
+without stoppin', and so fast, I guess you couldn't see the spokes,
+just one long everlastin' stroke from July to etarnity, without time
+to look back on the tracks. Instead of racin' over the country like
+a young doctor, to show how busy a man is that has nothin' to do,
+as Bluenose does, and then take a 'blowin' time,' we kept a rale
+travellin' gait, an eight-mile-an-hour pace, the whole year round.
+THEY BUY MORE NOR THEY SELL, AND EAT MORE THAN THEY RAISE, in this
+country. What a pretty way that is, isn't it? If the critters knew
+how to cipher, they would soon find out that a sum stated that way
+always eends in a naught. I never knew it to fail, and I defy any
+soul to cipher it so, as to make it come out any other way, either by
+Schoolmaster's Assistant or Algebra. When I was a boy, the Slickville
+bank broke, and an awful disorderment it made, that's a fact; nothin'
+else was talked of. Well, I studied it over a long time, but I
+couldn't make it out: so says I, 'Father, how came that 'ere bank to
+break? Warn't it well built? I thought that 'ere Quincy granite was
+so amazin' strong all natur' wouldn't break it.' 'Why you foolish
+critter,' says he, 'it ain't the buildin' that's broke, it's the
+consarn that's smashed.' 'Well,' says I, 'I know folks are plaguilly
+consarned about it, but what do you call folks' "smashin' their
+consarns"?' Father, he larfed out like anything; I thought he never
+would stop; and sister Sall got right up and walked out of the room,
+as mad as a hatter. Says she, 'Sam, I do believe you are a born fool,
+I vow.' When father had done larfin', says he, 'I'll tell you, Sam,
+how it was. They ciphered it so that they brought out nothin' for a
+remainder.' 'Possible!' says I; 'I thought there was no eend to their
+puss. I thought it was like Uncle Peleg's musquash hole, and that
+no soul could ever find the bottom of. My!' says I. 'Yes,' says he,
+'that 'ere bank spent and lost more money than it made, and when
+folks do that, they must smash at last, if their puss be as long as
+the national one of Uncle Sam.' This Province is like that 'ere Bank
+of our'n, it's goin' the same road, and they'll find the little eend
+of the horn afore they think they are halfway down to it.
+
+"If folks would only give over talkin' about that everlastin' House
+of Assembly and Council, and see to their farms, it would be better
+for 'em, I guess; for arter all, what is it? Why it's only a sort of
+first chop Grand Jury, and nothin' else. It's no more like Congress
+or Parliament, than Marm Pugwash's keepin' room is like our State
+hall. It's jist nothin'. Congress makes war and peace, has a say
+in all treaties, confarms all great nominations of the President,
+regilates the army and navy, governs twenty-four independent States,
+and snaps its fingers in the face of all the nations of Europe, as
+much as to say, who be you? I allot I am as big as you be. If you are
+six foot high, I am six foot six in my stockin' feet, by gum, and
+can lambaste any two on you in no time. The British can whip all the
+world, and we can whip the British. But this little House of Assembly
+that folks make such a touss about, what is it? Why jist a decent
+Grand Jury. They make their presentments of little money votes, to
+mend these everlastin' rottin' little wooden bridges, to throw a
+poultice of mud once a year on the roads, and then take a 'blowin'
+time' of three months and go home. The littler folks be, the bigger
+they talk. You never seed a small man that didn't wear high heel
+boots, and a high-crowned hat, and that warn't ready to fight most
+any one, to show he was a man every inch of him.
+
+"I met a member the other day, who swaggered near about as large as
+Uncle Peleg. He looked as if he thought you couldn't find his 'ditto'
+anywhere. He used some most particular educational words, genuine
+jaw-breakers. He put me in mind of a squirrel I once shot in our wood
+location. The little critter got a hickory nut in his mouth; well, he
+found it too hard to crack, and too big to swaller, and for the life
+and soul of him, he couldn't spit it out agin. If he didn't look
+like a proper fool, you may depend. We had a pond back of our barn
+about the bigness of a good sizeable wash-tub, and it was chock
+full of frogs. Well, one of these little critters fancied himself a
+bull-frog, and he puffed out his cheeks, and took a real 'blowin'
+time' of it; he roared away like thunder; at last he puffed and
+puffed out till he bust like a b'iler. If I see the Speaker this
+winter (and I shall see him to a sartainty if they don't send for him
+to London, to teach their new Speaker; and he's up to snuff, that
+'ere man; he knows how to cipher), I'll jist say to him, 'Speaker,'
+says I, 'if any of your folks in the House go to swell out like
+dropsy, give 'em a hint in time.' Says you, 'if you have are a little
+safety valve about you, let off a little steam now and then, or
+you'll go for it; recollect the Clockmaker's story of the "Blowin'
+time".'"
+
+
+
+No. XXIV
+
+Father John O'Shaughnessy.
+
+
+"Tomorrow will be Sabbath day," said the Clockmaker; "I guess we'll
+bide where we be till Monday. I like a Sabbath in the country; all
+natur' seems at rest. There's a cheerfulness in the day here, you
+don't find in towns. You have natur' before you here, and nothin' but
+art there. The deathy stillness of a town, and the barred windows,
+and shut shops, and empty streets, and great long lines of big brick
+buildin's look melancholy. It seems as if life had ceased tickin',
+but there hadn't been time for decay to take hold on there; as if day
+had broke, but man slept. I can't describe exactly what I mean, but I
+always feel kinder gloomy and wamblecropt there.
+
+"Now in the country it's jist what it ought to be--a day of rest for
+man and beast from labour. When a man rises on the Sabbath, and looks
+out on the sunny fields and wavin' crops, his heart feels proper
+grateful, and he says, Come, this is a splendid day, ain't it? Let's
+get ready and put on our bettermost close, and go to meetin'. His
+first thought is prayerfully to render thanks; and then when he goes
+to worship he meets all his neighbours, and he knows them all, and
+they are glad to see each other, and if any two on 'em hain't exactly
+gee'd together durin' the week, why they meet on kind of neutral
+ground, and the minister or neighbours make peace atween them. But
+it ain't so in towns. You don't know no one you meet there. It's
+the worship of neighbours, but it's the worship of strangers, too,
+for neighbours don't know nor care about each other. Yes, I love a
+Sabbath in the country."
+
+While uttering this soliloquy, he took up a pamphlet from the table,
+and turning to the title page, said, "Have you ever seen this here
+book on the 'Elder Controversy?' (a controversy on the subject of
+Infant Baptism). This author's friends say it's a clincher; they say
+he has sealed up Elder's mouth as tight as a bottle."
+
+"No," said I, "I have not; I have heard of it, but never read it.
+In my opinion the subject has been exhausted already, and admits of
+nothing new being said upon it. These religious controversies are
+a serious injury to the cause of true religion; they are deeply
+deplored by the good and moderate men of all parties. It has already
+embraced several denominations in the dispute in this Province, and
+I hear the agitation has extended to New Brunswick, where it will
+doubtless be renewed with equal zeal. I am told all the pamphlets are
+exceptionable in point of temper, and this one in particular, which
+not only ascribes the most unworthy motives to its antagonist, but
+contains some very unjustifiable and gratuitous attacks upon other
+sects unconnected with the dispute. The author has injured his own
+cause, for an INTEMPERATE ADVOCATE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN AN OPEN
+FOE."
+
+"There is no doubt on it," said the Clockmaker, "it is as clear as
+mud, and you are not the only one that thinks so, I tell you. About
+the hottest time of the dispute, I was to Halifax, and who should
+I meet but Father John O'Shaughnessy, a Catholic Priest. I had met
+him afore in Cape Breton, and had sold him a clock. Well, he was
+a-leggin' it off hot foot. 'Possible!' says I, 'Father John, is that
+you? Why, what on airth is the matter of you? What makes you in such
+an everlastin' hurry, driven away like one ravin' distracted mad?' 'A
+sick visit,' says he; 'poor Pat Lanigan--him that you mind to Bradore
+Lake--well he's near about at the p'int of death.' 'I guess not,'
+said I, 'for I jist heerd tell he was dead.' Well, that brought him
+up all standin', and he 'bouts ship in a jiffy, and walks a little
+way with me, and we got a-talkin' about this very subject. Says he,
+'What are you, Mr. Slick?' Well, I looks up to him and winks--'A
+Clockmaker,' says I. Well he smiled, and says he, 'I see;' as much
+as to say I hadn't ought to have axed that 'ere question at all,
+I guess, for every man's religion is his own, and nobody else's
+business. 'Then,' says he, 'you know all about this country. Who
+do folks say has the best of the dispute?' Says I, 'Father John,
+it's like the battles up to Canada lines last war, each side claims
+victory; I guess there ain't much to brag on nary way, damage done on
+both sides, and nothin' gained, as far as I can learn.' He stopped
+short, and looked me in the face, and says he, 'Mr. Slick you are a
+man that has seed a good deal of the world, and a considerable of an
+understandin' man, and I guess I can talk to you. Now,' says he, 'for
+gracious sake do jist look here, and see how you heretics--protestants
+I mean,' says he (for I guess that 'ere word slipped out without
+leave), 'are by the ears, a-drivin' away at each other, the whole
+blessed time, tooth and nail, hip and thigh, hammer and tongs,
+disputin', revilin', wranglin', and beloutin' each other, with all
+sorts of ugly names that they can lay their tongues to. Is that the
+way you love your neighbour as yourself? WE SAY THIS IS A PRACTICAL
+COMMENT ON SCHISM, and by the powers of Moll Kelly,' said he, 'but
+they all ought to be well lambasted together, the whole batch on 'em
+entirely.' Says I, 'Father John, give me your hand; there are some
+things, I guess, you and I don't agree on, and most likely never will,
+seein' that you are a Popish priest; but in that idee I do opinionate
+with you, and I wish with all my heart all the world thought with us.'
+
+"I guess he didn't half like that 'ere word Popish priest, it seemed
+to grig him like; his face looked kinder riled, like well water arter
+a heavy rain; and said he, 'Mr. Slick,' says he, 'your country is a
+free country, ain't it?' 'The freest,' says I, 'on the face of the
+airth--you can't "ditto" it nowhere. We are as free as the air, and
+when our dander's up, stronger than any hurricane you ever seed--tear
+up all creation 'most; there ain't the beat of it to be found
+anywhere.' 'Do you call this a free country?' said he. 'Pretty
+considerable middlin',' says I, 'seein' that they are under a king.'
+'Well,' says he, 'if you were seen in Connecticut a-shakin' hands
+along with a Popish priest, as you are pleased to call me' (and he
+made me a bow, as much as to say mind your trumps the next deal), 'as
+you now are in the streets of Halifax along with me, with all your
+crackin' and boastin' of your freedom, I guess you wouldn't sell a
+clock agin in that State for one while, I tell you;' and he bid me
+good mornin' and turned away. 'Father John!' says I. 'I can't stop,'
+says he; 'I must see that poor critter's family; they must be in
+great trouble, and a sick visit is afore controvarsy in my creed.'
+'Well,' says I, 'one word with you afore you go; if that 'ere name
+Popish priest was an ongenteel one, I ax your pardon; I didn't mean
+no offence, I do assure you, and I'll say this for your satisfaction,
+tu; you're the first man in this Province that ever gave me a real
+right down complete checkmate since I first sot foot in it, I'll be
+skinned if you ain't.'
+
+"Yes," said Mr. Slick, "Father John was right; these antagonizing
+chaps ought to be well quilted, the whole raft of 'em. It fairly
+makes me sick to see the folks, each on 'em a-backin' up of their
+own man. 'At it agin!' says one; 'Fair play!' says another; 'Stick
+it into him!' says a third; and 'That's your sort!' says a fourth.
+Them are the folks who do mischief. They show such clear grit, it
+fairly frightens me. It makes my hair stand right up on eend to see
+ministers do that 'ere. IT APPEARS TO ME THAT I COULD WRITE A BOOK IN
+FAVOUR OF MYSELF AND MY NOTIONS WITHOUT, WRITIN' AGIN ANY ONE, AND IF
+I COULDN'T I WOULDN'T WRITE AT ALL, I SNORE. Our old minister, Mr.
+Hopewell (a real good man, and a larned man too that), they sent to
+him once to write agin the Unitarians, for they are a-goin' ahead
+like statiee in New England, but he refused. Said he, 'Sam,' says he,
+'when I first went to Cambridge, there was a boxer and wrastler came
+there, and he beat every one wherever he went. Well, old Mr. Possit
+was the Church of England parson at Charlestown, at the time, and a
+terrible powerful man he was--a real sneezer, and as ACTIVE as a
+weasel. Well, the boxer met him one day, a little way out of town,
+a-takin' of his evenin' walk, and said he, "Parson," says he, "they
+say you are a most a plaguy strong man and uncommon stiff too."
+"Now," says he, "I never seed a man yet that was a match for me;
+would you have any objection jist to let me be availed of your
+strength here in a friendly way, by ourselves, where no soul would
+be the wiser; if you will I'll keep dark about it, I swan." "Go your
+way," said the Parson, "and tempt me not; you are a carnal-minded,
+wicked man, and I take no pleasure in such vain idle sports." "Very
+well," said the boxer; "now here I stand," says he, "in the path,
+right slap afore you; if you pass round me, then I take it as a sign
+that you are afeard on me, and if you keep the path, why then you
+must first put me out--that's a fact." The Parson jist made a spring
+forrard, and kitched him up as quick as wink, and throwed him right
+over the fence whap on the broad of his back, and then walked on as
+if nothin' had happened--as demure as you please, and lookin' as meek
+as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. "Stop," said the boxer, as
+soon as he picked himself up, "stop Parson," said he, "that's a good
+man, and jist chuck over my horse too, will you, for I swan I believe
+you could do one near about as easy as t'other. My!" said he, "if
+that don't bang the bush; you are another guess chap from what I took
+you to be, anyhow."
+
+"'Now,' said Mr. Hopewell, says he, 'I won't write, but if ary a
+Unitarian crosses my path, I'll jist over the fence with him in no
+time, as the parson did the boxer; FOR WRITIN' ONLY AGGRAVATES YOUR
+OPPONENTS, AND NEVER CONVINCES THEM. I NEVER SEED A CONVERT MADE BY
+THAT WAY YET; BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I HAVE SEED: A MAN SET HIS OWN
+FLOCK A DOUBTIN' BY HIS OWN WRITIN'. YOU MAY HAPPIFY YOUR ENEMIES,
+CANTANKERATE YOUR OPPONENTS, AND INJURE YOUR OWN CAUSE BY IT, BUT I
+DEFY YOU TO SARVE IT. These writers,' said he, 'put me in mind of
+that 'ere boxer's pupils. He would sometimes set two on 'em to spar;
+well, they'd put on their gloves and begin, larfin' and jokin' all in
+good humour. Presently one on 'em would put in a pretty hard blow;
+well, t'other would return it in airnest. "Oh," says the other, "if
+that's your play, off gloves and at it;" and sure enough, away would
+fly their gloves, and at it they'd go tooth and nail.
+
+"'No, Sam, the misfortin' is, we are all apt to think Scriptur'
+intended for our neighbours, and not for ourselves. The poor all
+think it made for the rich. "Look at that 'ere Dives," they say,
+"what an all-fired scrape he got into by his avarice, with Lazarus;
+and ain't it writ as plain as anything, that them folks will find it
+as easy to go to heaven, as for a camel to go through the eye of a
+needle?" Well, then, the rich think it all made for the poor--that
+they shan't steal nor bear false witness, but shall be obedient to
+them that's in authority. And as for them 'ere Unitarians,' and he
+always got his dander up when he spoke of them, 'why there's no doin'
+nothin' with them,' says he. 'When they get fairly stumped, and you
+produce a text that they can't get over, nor get round, why they say
+"It ain't in our varsion at all; that's an interpolation, it's an
+invention of them 'ere everlastin' monks;" there's nothin' left for
+you to do with them, but to sarve them as Parson Possit detailed the
+boxer--lay right hold of 'em, and chuck 'em over the fence, even if
+they were as big as all out doors. That's what our folks ought to
+have done with 'em at first, pitched 'em clean out of the state, and
+let 'em go down to Nova Scotia, or some such outlandish place, for
+they ain't fit to live in no christian country at all.
+
+"'Fightin' is no way to make converts; THE TRUE WAY IS TO WIN 'EM.
+You may stop a man's mouth, Sam,' says he, 'by a-crammin' a book down
+his throat, but you won't convince him. It's a fine thing to write
+a book all covered over with Latin, and Greek, and Hebrew, like a
+bridle that's real jam, all spangled with brass nails, but who knows
+whether it's right or wrong? Why, not one in ten thousand. If I had
+my religion to choose, and warn't able to judge for myself, I'll tell
+you what I'd do: I'd just ask myself WHO LEADS THE BEST LIVES? Now,'
+says he, 'Sam, I won't say who do, because it would look like vanity
+to say it was the folks who hold to our platform, but I'll tell you
+who don't. IT AIN'T THEM THAT MAKES THE GREATEST PROFESSIONS ALWAYS;
+and mind what I tell you, Sam, when you go a-tradin' with your clocks
+away down east to Nova Scotia, and them wild provinces, keep a bright
+look out on them as cant too much, FOR A LONG FACE is plaguy apt to
+COVER A LONG CONSCIENCE--that's a fact.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXV
+
+Taming a Shrew.
+
+
+The road from Amherst to Parrsboro' is tedious and uninteresting. In
+places it is made so straight that you can see several miles of it
+before you, which produces an appearance of interminable length,
+while the stunted growth of the spruce and birch trees bespeaks a
+cold, thin soil, and invests the scene with a melancholy and sterile
+aspect. Here and there occurs a little valley, with its meandering
+stream, and verdant and fertile interval, which, though possessing
+nothing peculiar to distinguish it from many others of the same kind,
+strikes the traveller as superior to them all, from the contrast to
+the surrounding country. One of these secluded spots attracted my
+attention, from the number and neatness of the buildings, which its
+proprietor, a tanner and currier, had erected for the purposes of his
+trade. Mr. Slick said he knew him, and he guessed it was a pity he
+couldn't keep his wife in as good order as he did his factory.
+
+"They don't hitch their horses together well at all. He is properly
+hen-pecked," said he; "he is afeerd to call his soul his own, and he
+leads the life of a dog; you never seed the beat of it, I vow. Did
+you ever see a rooster hatch a brood of chickens?"
+
+"No," said I, "not that I can recollect."
+
+"Well then I have," said he, "and if he don't look like a fool all
+the time he is a-settin' on the eggs, it's a pity; no soul could help
+larfin' to see him. Our old nigger, January Snow, had a spite agin
+one of father's roosters, seein' that he was a coward, and wouldn't
+fight. He used to call him Dearborne, arter our General that behaved
+so ugly to Canada; and, says he one day, 'I guess you are no better
+than a hen, you everlastin' old chicken-hearted villain, and I'll
+make you a larfin' stock to all the poultry. I'll put a trick on you
+you'll bear in mind all your born days.' So he catches old Dearborne,
+and pulls all the feathers off his breast, and strips him as naked as
+when he was born, from his throat clean down to his tail, and then
+takes a bundle of nettles and gives him a proper switchin' that stung
+him, and made him smart like mad; then he warms some eggs and puts
+them in a nest, and sets the old cock right a top of 'em. Well, the
+warmth of the eggs felt good to the poor critter's naked belly, and
+kinder kept the itchin' of the nettles down, and he was glad to bide
+where he was; and whenever he was tired and got off his skin felt so
+cold, he'd run right back and squat down agin; and when his feathers
+began to grow, and he got obstropolous, he got another ticklin' with
+the nettles, that made him return double quick to his location. In a
+little time he larnt the trade real complete. Now, this John Porter
+(and there he is on the bridge, I vow; I never seed the beat o' that,
+speak of old Satan and he's sure to appear), well, he's jist like old
+Dearborne, only fit to hatch eggs."
+
+When we came to the Bridge, Mr. Slick stopped his horse, to shake
+hands with Porter, whom he recognized as an old acquaintance and
+customer. He enquired after a bark-mill he had smuggled from the
+States for him, and enlarged on the value of such a machine, and the
+cleverness of his countrymen who invented such useful and profitable
+articles; and was recommending a new process of tanning, when a
+female voice from the house was heard, vociferating, "John Porter,
+come here this minute." "Coming, my dear," said the husband. "Come
+here, I say, directly, why do you stand talking to that Yankee
+villain there." The poor husband hung his head, looked silly, and
+bidding us good-bye, returned slowly to the house.
+
+As we drove on, Mr. Slick said, "That was me--I did that."
+
+"Did what?" said I.
+
+"That was me that sent him back; I called him and not his wife. I
+had that 'ere bestowment ever since I was knee high or so; I'm a
+real complete hand at ventriloquism; I can take off any man's voice I
+ever heerd to the very nines. If there was a law agin forgin' that as
+there is for handwritin', I guess I should have been hanged long ago.
+I've had high goes with it many a time, but it's plaguy dangersome,
+and I don't pracTISE it now but seldom. I had a real bout with that
+'ere citizen's wife once, and completely broke her in for him; she
+went as gentle as a circus horse for a space, but he let her have her
+head agin, and she's as bad as ever now. I'll tell you how it was.
+
+"I was down to the Island a-sellin' clocks, and who should I meet but
+John Porter; well, I traded with him for one, part cash, part truck
+and proDUCE, and also put off on him that 'ere bark-mill you heerd me
+axin' about, and it was pretty considerable on in the evenin' afore
+we finished our trade. I came home along with him, and had the clock
+in the wagon to fix it up for him, and to show him how to regilate
+it. Well, as we neared his house, he began to fret and take on
+dreadful oneasy; says he, 'I hope Jane won't be abed, 'cause if she
+is she'll act ugly, I do suppose.' I had heerd tell of her afore; how
+she used to carry a stiff upper lip, and make him and the broomstick
+well acquainted together; and, says I, 'Why do you put up with her
+tantrums, I'd make a fair division of the house with her, if it was
+me; I'd take the inside and allocate her the outside of it pretty
+quick, that's a fact.' Well, when we came to the house, there was no
+light in it, and the poor critter looked so streaked and down in the
+mouth, I felt proper sorry for him. When he rapped at the door, she
+called out, 'Who's there?' 'It's me, dear,' says Porter. 'You, is
+it,' said she, 'then you may stay where you be, them as gave you your
+supper, may give you your bed, instead of sendin' you sneakin' home
+at night like a thief.' Said I, in a whisper, says I, 'Leave her
+to me, John Porter; jist take the horses up to the barn, and see
+after them, and I'll manage her for you, I'll make her as sweet as
+sugary candy, never fear.' The barn, you see, is a good piece off
+to the eastward of the house; and, as soon as he was cleverly out
+of hearin', says I, a-imitatin' of his voice to the life, 'Do let me
+in, Jane,' says I, 'that's a dear critter; I've brought you home some
+things you'll like, I know.' Well, she was an awful jealous critter;
+says she, 'Take 'em to her you spent the evenin' with, I don't want
+you nor your presents neither.' Arter a good deal of coaxin' I stood
+on t'other tack, and began to threaten to break the door down; says
+I, 'You old unhansum lookin' sinner, you vinerger cruet you, open
+the door this minit or I'll smash it right in.' That grigged her
+properly, it made her very wrathy (for nothin' sets up a woman's
+spunk like callin' her ugly; she gets her back right up like a cat
+when a strange dog comes near her; she's all eyes, claws and
+bristles).
+
+"I heerd her bounce right out of bed, and she came to the door as she
+was, ondressed, and onbolted it; and, as I entered it, she fetched
+me a box right across my cheek with the flat of her hand, that made
+it tingle agin. 'I'll teach you to call names agin,' says she, 'you
+varmint.' It was jist what I wanted; I pushed the door tu with my
+foot, and seizing her by the arm with one hand, I quilted her with
+the horsewhip real handsum, with the other. At first she roared like
+mad; 'I'll give you the ten commandments,' says she (meaning her
+ten claws), 'I'll pay you for this, you cowardly villain, to strike
+a woman. How dare you lift your hand, John Porter, to your lawful
+wife!' and so on; all the time runnin' round and round, like a colt
+that's a-breakin', with the mouthin' bit, rarein', kickin', and
+plungin' like statiee. Then she began to give in. Says she, 'I beg
+pardon, on my knees I beg pardon--don't murder me, for Heaven's
+sake--don't, dear John, don't murder your poor wife, that's a dear.
+I'll do as you bid me; I promise to behave well, upon my honour I
+do--oh! dear John, do forgive me, do dear.' When I had her properly
+brought too, for havin' nothin' on but a thin under-garment, every
+crack of the whip told like a notch on a baker's tally, says I, 'Take
+that as a taste of what you'll catch, when you act that way like
+Old Scratch. Now go and dress yourself, and get supper for me and a
+stranger I have brought home along with me, and be quick, for I vow
+I'll be master in my own house.' She moaned like a dog hit with a
+stone, half whine, half yelp; 'Dear, dear,' says she, 'if I ain't all
+covered over with welts as big as my finger, I do believe I'm flayed
+alive;' and she boo-hoo'd right out like anything. 'I guess,' said I,
+'you've got 'em where folks won't see 'em, anyhow, and I calculate
+you won't be over forrard to show 'em where they be. But come,' says
+I, 'be a-stirrin', or I'll quilt you agin as sure as you're alive;
+I'll tan your hide for you, you may depend, you old ungainly tempered
+heifer you.'
+
+"When I went to the barn, says I, 'John Porter, your wife made
+right at me, like one ravin' distracted mad, when I opened the door,
+thinkin' it was you; and I was obliged to give her a crack or two
+of the cowskin to get clear of her. It has effectuated a cure
+completely; now foller it up, and don't let on for your life it
+warn't you that did it, and you'll be master once more in your own
+house. She's all docity jist now--keep her so.' As we returned we saw
+a light in the keepin' room, the fire was blazin' up cheerfulsome,
+and Marm Porter moved about as brisk as a parched pea, though as
+silent as dumb, and our supper was ready in no time. As soon as she
+took her seat and sot down, she sprung right up on eend, as if she
+had sot on a pan of hot coals, and coloured all over; and then tears
+started in her eyes. Thinks I to myself, I calculate I wrote that
+'ere lesson in large letters anyhow, I can read that writin' without
+spellin', and no mistake; I guess you've got pretty well warmed
+thereabouts this hitch. Then she tried it agin, first she sot on
+one leg then on t'other, quite oneasy, and then right atwixt both,
+a-fidgettin' about dreadfully; like a man that's rode all day on a
+bad saddle, and lost a little leather on the way. If you had seed how
+she stared at Porter, it would have made you snicker. She couldn't
+credit her eyes. He warn't drunk, and he warn't crazy, but there he
+sot as peeked and as meechin' as you please. She seemed all struck up
+of a heap at his rebellion. The next day when I was about startin', I
+advised him to act like a man, and keep the weather gage now he had
+it, and all would be well, but the poor critter only held on a day or
+two, she soon got the upper hand of him, and made him confess all,
+and by all accounts he leads a worse life now than ever. I put that
+'ere trick on him jist now to try him, and I see it's gone goose with
+him; the jig is up with him, she'll soon call him with a whistle like
+a dog. I often think of the hornpipe she danced there in the dark
+along with me, to the music of my whip--she touched it off in great
+style, that's a fact. I shall mind that go one while, I promise you.
+It was actilly equal to a play at old Bowry. You may depend, Squire,
+the only way to tame a shrew is by the cowskin. Grandfather Slick was
+raised all along the coast of Kent in Old England, and he used to say
+there was an old saying there, which, I expect, is not far off the
+mark:
+
+  'A woman, a dog, and a walnut tree,
+   The more you lick 'em, the better they be.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXVI
+
+The Minister's Horn Mug.
+
+
+"This Country," said Mr. Slick, "abounds in superior mill privileges,
+and one would naterally calculate that such a sight of water power
+would have led to a knowledge of machinery. I guess if a Bluenose was
+to go to one of our free and enlightened citizens, and tell him Nova
+Scotia was intersected with rivers and brooks in all directions, and
+nearly one quarter of it covered with water, he'd say, 'Well, I'll
+start right off and see it, I vow, for I guess I'll larn somethin'.
+I allot I'll get another wrinkle away down east there. With such
+splendid chances for experimentin', what first-chop mills they must
+have, to a sartainty. I'll see such new combinations, and such new
+applications of the force of water to motion, that I'll make my
+fortin', for we can improve on anything a'most.' Well, he'd find his
+mistake out I guess, as I did once, when I took passage in the night
+at New York for Providence, and found myself the next mornin' clean
+out to sea, steerin' away for Cape Hatteras, in the Charleston
+steamer. He'd find he'd gone to the wrong place, I reckon; there
+ain't a mill of any kind in the Province fit to be seen. If we had
+'em, we'd sarve 'em as we do the gamblin' houses down south, pull
+'em right down, there wouldn't be one on 'em left in eight and forty
+hours.
+
+"Some domestic factories they ought to have here; it's an essential
+part of the social system. Now we've run to the other extreme, it's
+got to be too big an interest with us, and ain't suited to the
+political institutions of our great country. Natur' designed us
+for an agricultural people, and our government was predicated on
+the supposition that we would be so. Mr. Hopewell was of the same
+opinion. He was a great hand at gardenin', orchadin', farmin', and
+what not. One evenin' I was up to his house, and says he, 'Sam, what
+do you say to a bottle of my old genuine cider? I guess I got some
+that will take the shine off of your father's, by a long chalk, much
+as the old gentleman brags of his'n. I never bring it out afore
+him. He thinks he has the best in all Connecticut. It's an innocent
+ambition that; and Sam, it would be but a poor thing for me to
+gratify my pride, at the expense of humblin' his'n. So I never
+lets on that I have any better, but keep dark about this superfine
+particular article of mine, for I'd as lives he'd think so as not.'
+He was a real primiTIVE good man was minister. 'I got some,' said
+he, 'that was bottled that very year that glorious action was fought
+atween the Constitution and the Guerriere. Perhaps the whole world
+couldn't show such a brilliant whippin' as that was. It was a
+splendid deed, that's a fact. The British can whip the whole airth,
+and we can whip the British. It was a bright promise for our young
+eagle; a noble bird that, too; great strenth, great courage, and
+surpassing sagacity.'
+
+"Well, he went down to the cellar, and brought up a bottle, with a
+stick tied to its neck, and day and date to it, like lye-bills on the
+trees in Squire Hendrick's garden. 'I like to see them 'ere cobwebs,'
+says he, as he brushed 'em off, 'they are like grey hairs in an old
+man's head; they indicate venerable old age.' As he uncorked it, says
+he, 'I guess Sam, this will warm your gizzard, my boy; I guess our
+great nation may be stumped to produce more eleganter liquor than
+this here. It's the dandy, that's a fact. That,' said he, a-smackin'
+his lips, and lookin' at its sparklin' top, and layin' back his head,
+and tippin' off a horn mug brim full of it--'that,' said he, and his
+eyes twinkled agin, for it was plaguy strong--'that is the produce of
+my own orchard.' 'Well,' I said, 'minister,' says I, 'I never see you
+a-swiggin' it out of that 'ere horn mug, that I don't think of one of
+your texts.' 'What's that, Sam?' says he, 'for you always had a'most
+a special memory when you was a boy.' 'Why,' says I, that "the horn
+of the righteous man shall be exalted;" I guess that's what they
+mean by "exaltin' the horn," ain't it? Lord if ever you was to New
+OrLEENS, and seed a black thunder cloud rise right up and cover the
+whole sky in a it, you'd a thought of it if you had seed his face. It
+looked as dark as Egypt. 'For shame!' says he, 'Sam, that's ondecent;
+and let me tell you that a man that jokes on such subjects, shows
+both a lack of wit and sense too. I like mirth, you know I do, for
+it's only the Pharisees and hypocrites that wear long faces, but then
+mirth must be innocent to please me; and when I see a man make merry
+with serious things, I set him down as a lost sheep. That comes of
+your speculatin' to Lowell; and, I vow, them factorin' towns will
+corrupt our youth of both sexes, and become hotbeds of iniquity. Evil
+communications endamnify good manners, as sure as rates; one scabby
+sheep will infect a whole flock--vice is as catchin' as that nasty
+disease the Scotch have, it's got by shakin' hands, and both eend
+in the same way--in brimstone. I approbate domestic factories, but
+nothin' further for us. It don't suit us or our institutions. A
+republic is only calculated for an enlightened and vartuous people,
+and folks chiefly in the farmin' line. That is an innocent and a
+happy vocation. Agriculture was ordained by Him as made us, for our
+chief occupation.'
+
+"Thinks I, here's a pretty how do you do; I'm in for it now, that's a
+fact; he'll jist fall to and read a regular sarmon, and he knows so
+many by heart he'll never stop. It would take a Philadelphia lawyer
+to answer him. So, says I, 'Minister, I ax your pardon, I feel very
+ugly at havin' given you offence, but I didn't mean it, I do assure
+you. It jist popped out unexpectedly, like a cork out of one of
+them 'ere cider bottles, I'll do my possibles that the like don't
+happen agin, you may depend; so 'spose we drink a glass to our
+reconciliation.' 'That I will,' said he, 'and we will have another
+bottle too, but I must put a little water into MY GLASS (and he dwelt
+on that word, and looked at me, quite feelin', as much as to say,
+don't for goodness sake make use of that 'ere word HORN agin, for
+it's a joke I don't like), 'for my head hain't quite the strength my
+cider has. Taste this, Sam,' said he (openin' of another bottle);
+'it's of the same age as the last, but made of different apples, and
+I am fairly stumped sometimes to say which is best.'
+
+"'These are the pleasures,' says he, 'of a country life. A man's own
+labour provides him with food, and an appetite to enjoy it. Let him
+look which way he will, and he sees the goodness and bounty of his
+Creator, his wisdom, his power, and his majesty. There never was
+anything so true, as that 'ere old sayin', "Man made the town, but
+God made the country," and both bespeak their different architects in
+terms too plain to be misunderstood. The one is filled with virtue
+and the other with vice. One is the abode of plenty, and the other
+of want; one is a ware-duck of nice pure water, and t'other one a
+cess-pool. Our towns are gettin' so commercial and factoring, that
+they will soon generate mobs, Sam' (how true that 'ere has turned out,
+hain't it? He could see near about as far into a millstone, as them
+that picks the hole into it), 'and mobs will introduce disobedience
+and defiance to laws, and that must eend in anarchy and bloodshed.
+No,' said the old man, raising his voice, and giving the table a wipe
+with his fist that made the glasses all jingle agin, 'give me the
+country--that country to which he that made it said, "Bring forth
+grass, the herb yieldin' seed, and the tree yieldin' fruit," AND WHO
+SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD. Let me jine with the feathered tribe in the
+mornin' (I hope you get up airly now, Sam; when you was a boy there
+was no gittin' you out of bed at no rate), and at sunset, in the
+hymns which they utter in full tide of song to their Creator. Let
+me pour out the thankfulness of my heart to the Giver of all good
+things, for the numerous blessings I enjoy, and intreat Him to bless
+my increase, that I may have wherewithal to relieve the wants of
+others, as he prevents and relieves mine. No! give me the country.
+It's--' Minister was jist like a horse that has the spavin: he sot
+off considerable stiff at first, but when he once got under way, he
+got on like a house a fire. He went like the wind, full split. He was
+jist beginnin' to warm on the subject, and I knew if he did, what
+wonderful bottom he had; how he would hang on for ever a'most; so,
+says I, 'I think so too, minister, I like the country, I always sleep
+better there than in towns; it ain't so plaguy hot, nor so noisy
+neither, and then it's a pleasant thing to set out on the stoop and
+smoke in the cool, ain't it? I think,' says I, 'too, Minister, that
+that 'ere uncommon handsum cider of your'n desarves a pipe, what
+do you think?' 'Well,' says he, 'I think myself a pipe wouldn't be
+amiss, and I got some real good Varginny, as you e'enamost ever seed,
+a present from Rowland Randolph, an old college chum; and none the
+worse to my palate, Sam, for bringin' bygone recollections with
+it. Phoebe, my dear,' said he to his darter, 'bring the pipes and
+tobacco.' As soon as the old gentleman fairly got a pipe in his
+mouth, I give Phoebe a wink, as much as to say, warn't that well
+done? That's what I call a most particular handsum fix. He can talk
+now (and that I do like to hear him do), but he can't make a speech,
+or preach a sarmon, and that I don't like to hear him do, except on
+Sabbath day, or up to Town Hall, on oration times.
+
+"Minister was an uncommon pleasant man--for there was nothin' a'most
+he didn't know--except when he got his dander up, and then he did
+spin out his yarns for everlastinly.
+
+"But I'm of his opinion. If the folks here want their country to go
+ahead, they must honour the plough; and General Campbell ought to
+hammer that 'ere into their noddles, full chisel, as hard as he can
+drive. I could larn him somethin', I guess, about hammerin' he ain't
+up to. It ain't every one that knows how to beat a thing into a man's
+head. How could I have sold so many thousand clocks, if I hadn't had
+that knack? Why, I wouldn't have sold half a dozen, you may depend.
+
+"Agriculture is not only neglected but degraded here. What a number
+of young folks there seem to be in these parts, a-ridin' about,
+titivated out real jam, in their go-to-meetin' clothes, a-doin'
+nothin'. It's melancholy to think on it. That's the effect of the
+last war. The idleness and extravagance of those times took root,
+and bore fruit abundantly, and now the young people are above their
+business. They are too high in the instep, that's a fact.
+
+"Old Drivvle, down here to Maccan, said to me one day, 'For gracious
+sake,' says he, 'Mr. Slick, do tell me what I shall do with Johnny.
+His mother sets great store by him, and thinks he's the makin's of a
+considerable smart man; he's growin up fast now, and I am pretty well
+to do in the world, and reasonable forehanded, but I don't know what
+the dogs to put him to. The lawyers are like spiders--they've eat up
+all the flies, and I guess they'll have to eat each other soon, for
+there's more on 'em than causes now every court. The Doctors' trade
+is a poor one, too, they don't get barely cash enough to pay for
+their medicines; I never seed a country practitioner yet that made
+anything worth speakin' of. Then, as for preachin', why church and
+dissenters are pretty much tarred with the same stick, they live in
+the same pastur' with their flocks; and, between 'em, it's fed down
+pretty close I tell you. What would you advise me to do with him?'
+'Well,' says I, 'I'll tell you if you won't be miffy with me.' 'Miffy
+with you indeed,' said he, 'I guess I'll be very much obliged to you;
+it ain't every day one gets a chance to consult with a person of your
+experience; I count it quite a privilege to have the opinion of such
+an understandin' man as you be.' 'Well,' says I, 'take a stick and
+give him a real good quiltin'; jist tantune him like blazes, and set
+him to work. What does the critter want? You have a good farm for
+him, let him go and airn his bread; and when he can raise that, let
+him get a wife to make butter for it; and when he has more of both
+than he wants, let him sell 'em and lay up his money, and he will
+soon have his bread buttered on both sides. Put him to, eh! why
+put him to the PLOUGH, the most nateral, the most happy, the most
+innocent, and the host healthy employment in the world.' 'But,' said
+the old man (and he did not look over half pleased), markets are
+so confounded dull, labour so high, and the banks and great folks
+a-swallerin' all up so, there don't seem much encouragement for
+farmers; it's hard rubbin', nowadays, to live by the plough--he'll
+be a hard workin' poor man all his days.' 'Oh!' says I, 'if he wants
+to get rich by farmin', he can do that, too. Let him sell his wheat,
+and eat his oatmeal and rye; send his beef, mutton and poultry to
+market, and eat his pork and potatoes; make his own cloth, weave his
+own linen, and keep out of shops, and he'll soon grow rich--there
+are more fortin's got by savin' than by makin', I guess, a plaguy
+sight--he can't eat his cake and have it too, that's a fact. No, make
+a farmer of him, and you will have the satisfaction of seeing him an
+honest, an independent, and a respectable member of society--more
+honest than traders, more independent than professional men, and more
+respectable than either.'
+
+"'Ahem!' says Marm Drivvle, and she began to clear her throat for
+action; she slumped down her knittin', and clawed off her spectacles,
+and looked right straight at me, so as to take good aim. I seed a
+regular nor'wester a-brewin', I knew it would bust somewhere sartin,
+and make all smoke agin, so I cleared out and left old Drivvle to
+stand the squall. I conceit he must have had a tempestical time
+of it, for she had get her Ebenezer up, and looked like a proper
+sneezer. Make her Johnny a farmer, eh! I guess that was too much for
+the like o' her to stomach.
+
+"Pride, squire," continued the Clockmaker (with such an air of
+concern, that, I verily believe, the man feels an interest in the
+welfare of a Province, in which he has spent so long a time), "Pride,
+Squire, and a false pride, too, is the ruin of this country, I hope
+I may be skinned if it ain't."
+
+
+
+No. XXVII
+
+The White Nigger.
+
+
+One of the most amiable, and at the same time most amusing traits,
+in the Clockmaker's character, was the attachment and kindness with
+which he regarded his horse. He considered "Old Clay" as far above
+a Provincial horse, as he did one of his "free and enlightened
+citizens" superior to a Bluenose. He treated him as a travelling
+companion, and when conversation flagged between us, would often
+soliloquize to him, a habit contracted from pursuing his journeys
+alone. "Well now," he would say, "Old Clay, I guess you took your
+time a-goin' up that 'ere hill--'spose we progress now. Go along, you
+old sculpin, and turn out your toes. I reckon you are as deff as a
+shad, do you hear there? Go ahead! Old Clay. There now," he'd say,
+"Squire ain't that dreadful pretty? There's action. That looks about
+right: legs all under him--gathers all up snug--no bobbin' of his
+head--no rollin' of his shoulders--no wabblin' of his hind parts, but
+steady as a pump bolt, and the motion all underneath. When he fairly
+lays himself to it, he trots like all vengeance. Then look at his
+ear--jist like rabbit's; none o' your flop-ears like them Amherst
+beasts, half horses, half pigs, but strait up and p'inted, and not
+too near at the tips; for that 'ere, I consait, always shows a horse
+ain't true to draw. There are only two things, Squire, worth lookin'
+at in a horse, action and soundness; for I never saw a critter that
+had good action that was a bad beast. Old Clay puts me in mind of one
+of our free and enlightened--"
+
+"Excuse me," said I, "Mr. Slick, but really you appropriate that word
+'free' to your countrymen, as if you thought no other people in the
+world were entitled to it but yourselves."
+
+"Neither be they," said he. "We first sot the example. Look at our
+declaration of independence. It was writ by Jefferson, and he was the
+first man of the age; perhaps the world never seed his ditto. It's a
+beautiful piece of penmanship that, he gave the British the butt eend
+of his mind there. I calculate you couldn't falt it in no particular,
+it's generally allowed to be his cap shief. In the first page of it,
+second section, and first varse, are these words: 'We hold this truth
+to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.' I guess King
+George turned his quid when he read that. It was somethin' to chaw
+on, he hadn't been used to the flavour of, I reckon."
+
+"Jefferson forgot to insert one little word," said I; "he should
+have said, 'all white men;' for as it now stands, it is a practical
+untruth, in a country which tolerates domestic slavery in its worst
+and most forbidding form. It is a declaration of SHAME, and not of
+INDEPENDENCE. It is as perfect a misnomer as ever I knew."
+
+"Well," said he, "I must admit there is a screw loose somewhere
+thereabouts, and I wish it would convene to Congress, to do somethin'
+or another about our niggers, but I am not quite certified how that
+is to be sot to rights; I consait that you don't understand us. But,"
+said he, evading the subject with his usual dexterity, "we deal only
+in niggers--and those thick-skulled, crooked-shanked, flat-footed,
+long-heeled, wooly-headed gentlemen, don't seem fit for much else but
+slavery, I do suppose. They ain't fit to contrive for themselves.
+They are jist like grasshoppers; they dance and sing all summer, and
+when winter comes they have nothin' provided for it, and lay down and
+die. They require some one to see arter them. Now, we deal in black
+niggers only, but the Bluenoses sell their own species--they trade in
+white slaves."
+
+"Thank God," said I, "slavery does not exist in any part of his
+Majesty's dominions now, we have at last wiped off that national
+stain."
+
+"Not quite, I guess," said he, with an air of triumph, "it ain't done
+with in Nova Scotia, for I have seed these human cattle sales with my
+own eyes; I was availed of the truth of it up here to old Furlong's
+last November. I'll tell you the story," said he; and as this story
+of the Clockmaker's contained some extraordinary statements, which I
+had never heard of before, I noted it in my journal, for the purpose
+of ascertaining their truth; and, if founded on fact, of laying them
+before the proper authorities.
+
+"Last fall," said he, "I was on my way to Partridge Island, to ship
+off some truck and produce I had taken in, in the way of trade; and
+as I neared old Furlong's house, I seed an amazin' crowd of folks
+about the door; I said to myself, says I, who's dead, and what's to
+pay now? What on airth is the meanin' of all this? Is it a vandew, or
+a weddin', or a rollin' frolic, or a religious stir, or what is it?
+Thinks I, I'll see, so I hitches Old Clay to the fence, and walks
+in. It was some time afore I was able to swiggle my way through the
+crowd, and get into the house. And when I did, who should I see but
+deacon Westfall, a smooth faced, slick haired, meechin' lookin'
+chap as you'd see in a hundred, a-standin' on a stool, with an
+auctioneer's hammer in his hand; and afore him was one Jerry Oaks
+and his wife, and two little orphan children, the prettiest little
+toads I ever beheld in all my born days. 'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I
+will begin the sale by putting up Jerry Oaks, of Apple River, he's
+a considerable of a smart man yet, and can do many little chores
+besides feedin' the children and pigs, I guess he's near about worth
+his keep.' 'Will you warrant him sound, wind and limb?' says a tall
+ragged lookin' countryman, 'for he looks to me as if he was foundered
+in both feet, and had a string halt into the bargain.' 'When you are
+as old as I be,' says Jerry, 'mayhap you may be foundered too, young
+man; I have seen the day when you wouldn't dare to pass that joke
+on me, big as you be.' 'Will any gentleman bid for him,' says the
+deacon, 'he's cheap at 7s. 6d.' 'Why deacon,' said Jerry, 'why surely
+your honour isn't a-goin' for to sell me separate from my poor old
+wife, are you? Fifty years have we lived together as man and wife,
+and a good wife has she been to me, through all my troubles and
+trials, and God knows I have had enough of 'em. No one knows my ways
+and my ailments but her, and who can tend me so kind, or who will
+bear with the complaints of a poor old man but his wife? Do, deacon,
+and Heaven bless you for it, and yours, do sell us together. We have
+but a few days to live now, death will divide us soon enough. Leave
+her to close my old eyes, when the struggle comes, and when it comes
+to you, deacon, as come it must to us all, may this good deed rise up
+for you, as a memorial before God. I wish it had pleased him to have
+taken us afore it came to this, but his will be done;' and he hung
+his head, as if he felt he had drained the cup of degradation to its
+dregs. 'Can't afford it, Jerry--can't afford it, old man,' said the
+deacon, with such a smile as a November sun gives, a-passin' atween
+clouds. 'Last year they took oats for rates, now nothin' but wheat
+will go down, and that's as good as cash; and you'll hang on, as most
+of you do, yet these many years. There's old Joe Crowe, I believe in
+my conscience he will live for ever.' The biddin' then went on, and
+he was sold for six shillings a week. Well, the poor critter gave one
+long, loud, deep groan, and then folded his arms over his breast,
+so tight that he seemed tryin' to keep in his heart from bustin'. I
+pitied the misfortinate wretch from my soul; I don't know as I ever
+felt so streaked afore. Not so his wife, she was all tongue. She
+begged and prayed, and cryed, and scolded, and talked at the very tip
+eend of her voice, till she became, poor critter, exhausted, and went
+off in a faintin' fit, and they ketched her up and carried her out to
+the air, and she was sold in that condition.
+
+"Well I couldn't make head or tail of all this, I could hardly
+believe my eyes and ears; so, says I, to John Porter--him that
+has that catamount of a wife, that I had such a touss with--'John
+Porter,' says I, 'who ever seed or heerd tell of the like of this,
+what under the sun does it all mean? What has that 'ere critter done
+that he should be sold arter that fashion?' 'Done?' said he, 'why
+nothin', and that's the reason they sell him. This is town meetin'
+day, and we always sell the poor for the year, to the lowest bidder.
+Them that will keep them for the lowest sum, gets them.' 'Why,' says
+I, 'that feller that bought him is a pauper himself, to my sartin
+knowledge. If you were to take him up by the heels and shake him
+for a week, you couldn't shake sixpence out of him. How can he keep
+him? It appears to me the poor buy the poor here, and that they all
+starve together.' Says I, 'there was a very good man once lived to
+Liverpool, so good, he said he hadn't sinned for seven years; well
+he put a mill-dam across the river, and stopped all the fish from
+goin' up, and the court fined him fifty pounds for it, and this
+good man was so wrathy, he thought he should feel better to swear
+a little, but conscience told him it was wicked. So he compounded
+with conscience, and cheated the devil, by callin' it a "dam fine
+business." Now, friend Porter, if this is your poor law, it is a
+damn poor law, I tell you, and no good can come of such hard-hearted
+doin's. It's no wonder your country don't prosper, for who ever heerd
+of a blessin' on such carryins on as this?' Says I, 'Did you ever
+hear tell of a sartin rich man, that had a beggar called Lazarus laid
+at his gate, and how the dogs had more compassion than he had, and
+came and licked his sores? 'cause if you have, look at that forehanded
+and 'sponsible man there, deacon Westfall, and you see the rich man.
+And then look at that 'ere pauper, dragged away in that ox-cart from
+his wife for ever, like a feller to States' Prison, and you see
+Lazarus. Recollect what follered, John Porter, and have neither art
+nor part in it, as you are a Christian man.'
+
+"It fairly made me sick all day. John Porter follered me out of the
+house, and as I was a-turnin' Old Clay, said he, 'Mr. Slick,' says
+he, 'I never seed it in that 'ere light afore, for it's our custom,
+and custom you know will reconcile one to most anything. I must say,
+it does appear, as you lay it out, an unfeelin' way of providin' for
+the poor; but, as touchin' the matter of dividin' man and wife, why'
+(and he peered all round to see that no one was within hearin'), 'why
+I don't know, but if it was my allotment to be sold, I'd as lives
+they'd sell me separate from Jane as not, for it appears to me it's
+about the best part of it.'
+
+"Now, what I have told you Squire," said the Clockmaker, "is the
+truth; and if members, instead of their everlastin' politics, would
+only look into these matters a little, I guess it would be far better
+for the country. So, as for our declaration of independence, I guess
+you needn't twitt me with our slave-sales, for we deal only in
+blacks; but Bluenose approbates no distinction in colours, and when
+reduced to poverty, is reduced to slavery, and is sold--a White
+Nigger."
+
+
+
+No. XXVIII
+
+Fire in the Dairy.
+
+
+As we approached within fifteen or twenty miles of Parrsboro', a
+sudden turn of the road brought us directly in front of a large
+wooden house, consisting of two stories and an immense roof, the
+height of which edifice was much increased by a stone foundation,
+rising several feet above ground.
+
+"Now, did you ever see," said Mr. Slick, "such a catamaran as that?
+There's a proper goney for you, for to go and raise such a buildin'
+as that 'ere, and he as much use for it, I do suppose, as my old
+wagon here has for a fifth wheel. Bluenose always takes keer to have
+a big house, 'cause it shows a big man, and one that's considerable
+forehanded, and pretty well to do in the world. These Nova Scotians
+turn up their blue noses, as a bottle nose porpoise turns up his
+snout, and puff and snort exactly like him at a small house. If
+neighbour Carrit has a two story house, all filled with winders, like
+Sandy Hook light house, neighbour Parsnip must add jist two feet more
+on to the post of his'n, and about as much more to the rafter, to go
+ahead of him; so all these long sarce gentlemen strive who can get
+the furdest in the sky, away from their farms. In New England our
+maxim is a small house, and a most an everlastin' almighty big barn;
+but these critters revarse it, they have little hovels for their
+cattle, about the bigness of a good sizeable bear-trap, and a house
+for the humans as grand as Noah's Ark. Well, jist look at it and see
+what a figur' it does cut. An old hat stuffed into one pane of glass,
+and an old flannel petticoat, as yaller as jaundice, in another,
+finish off the front; an old pair of breeches, and the pad of a bran'
+new cart-saddle worn out, titivate the eend, while the backside is
+all closed up on account of the wind. When it rains, if there ain't
+a pretty how-do-you-do, it's a pity--beds toated out of this room,
+and tubs set in t'other to catch soft water to wash; while the
+clapboards, loose at the eends, go clap, clap, clap, like gals
+a-hacklin' flax, and the winders and doors keep a-dancin' to the
+music. The only dry place in the house is in the chimbley corner,
+where the folks all huddle up, as an old hen and her chickens do
+under a cart of a wet day. 'I wish I had the matter of half a dozen
+pound of nails,' you'll hear the old gentleman in the grand house
+say, 'I'll be darned if I don't, for if I had, I'd fix them 'ere
+clapboards; I guess they'll go for it some o' these days.' 'I wish
+you had,' his wife would say, 'for they do make a most particular
+unhansum clatter, that's a fact;' and so they let it be till the next
+tempestical time comes, and then they wish agin. Now, this grand
+house has only two rooms downstairs, that are altogether slicked up
+and finished off complete; the other is jist petitioned off rough
+like, one half great dark entries, and t'other half places that
+look a plaguy sight more like packin' boxes than rooms. Well, all
+upstairs is a great onfarnished place, filled with every sort of
+good-for-nothin' trumpery in natur'--barrels without eends; corn-cobs
+half husked; cast off clothes and bits of old harness; sheep skins,
+hides, and wool; apples, one half rotten, and t'other half squashed;
+a thousand or two of shingles that have bust their withes, and broke
+loose all over the floor; hay rakes, forks and sickles, without
+handles or teeth; rusty scythes, and odds and eends without number.
+When anything is wanted, then there is a general overhaul of the
+whole cargo, and away they get shifted forrard, one by one, all
+handled over and chucked into a heap together till the lost one is
+found; and the next time, away they get pitched to the starn agin,
+higglety pigglety, heels over head, like sheep takin' a split for
+it over a wall; only they increase in number each move, 'cause some
+on 'em are sure to get broke into more pieces than they was afore.
+Whenever I see one of these grand houses, and a hat lookin' out o'
+the winder, with nary head in it, think I, I'll be darned if that's
+a place for a wooden clock--nothin' short of a London touch would go
+down with them folks, so I calculate I won't alight.
+
+"Whenever you come to such a grand place as this, Squire, depend
+on't the farm is all of a piece--great crops of thistles, and an
+everlastin' yield of weeds, and cattle the best fed of any in the
+country, for they are always in the grain fields or mowin' lands,
+and the pigs a-rootin' in the potato patches. A spic and span new gig
+at the door, shinin' like the mud banks of Windsor, when the sun's
+on 'em, and an old wrack of a hay wagon, with its tongue onhitched,
+and stickin' out behind, like a pig's tail, all indicate a big man.
+He's above thinkin' of farmin' tools, he sees to the bran' new
+gig, and the hired helps look arter the carts. Catch him with his
+go-to-meetin' clothes on, a-rubbin' agin their nasty greasy axles,
+like a tarry nigger; not he, indeed, he'd stick you up with it.
+
+"The last time I came by here, it was a little bit arter daylight
+down, rainin' cats and dogs, and as dark as Egypt; so, thinks I, I'll
+jist turn in here for shelter to Squire Bill Blake's. Well, I knocks
+away at the front door, till I thought I'd a-split it in; but arter
+a-rappin' awhile to no purpose, and findin' no one come, I gropes my
+way round to the back door, and opens it, and feelin' all along the
+partition for the latch of the keepin' room, without finding it, I
+knocks agin, when some one from inside calls out 'Walk!' Thinks I, I
+don't cleverly know whether that indicates 'walk in,' or 'walk out,'
+it's plaguy short metre, that's a fact; but I'll see anyhow. Well,
+arter gropin' about awhile, at last I got hold of the string and
+lifted the latch and walked in, and there sot old Marm Blake, close
+into one corner of the chimbley fireplace, a-see-sawin' in a rockin'
+chair, and a half grown black house-help, half asleep in t'other
+corner, a-scroudgin' up over the embers. 'Who be you?' said Marm
+Blake, 'for I can't see you.' 'A stranger,' said I. 'Beck!' says she,
+speakin' to the black heifer in the corner, 'Beck!' says she agin,
+raisin' her voice, 'I believe you are as deff as a post, get up
+this minit and stir the coals, till I see the man.' Arter the coals
+were stirred into a blaze, the old lady surveyed me from head to
+foot, then she axed me my name, and where I came from, where I was
+a-goin', and what my business was. 'I guess,' said she, 'you must
+be reasonable wet; sit to the fire and dry yourself, or mayhap your
+health may be endamnified p'r'aps.'
+
+"So I sot down, and we soon got pretty considerably well acquainted,
+and quite sociable like, and her tongue when it fairly waked up,
+began to run like a mill-race when the gate's up. I hadn't been
+talkin' long, 'fore I well nigh lost sight of her altogether agin,
+for little Beck began to flourish about her broom, right and left in
+great style, a-clearin' up, and she did raise such an auful thick
+cloud o' dust, I didn't know if I should ever see or breathe either
+agin. Well, when all was sot to rights and the fire made up, the old
+lady began to apologize for havin' no candles; she said she'd had a
+grand tea-party the night afore, and used them all up, and a whole
+sight of vittals too; the old man hadn't been well since, and had
+gone to bed airly. 'But,' says she, 'I do wish with all my heart you
+had a come last night, for we had a most a special supper--punkin
+pies and doughnuts, and apple sarce, and a roast goose stuffed with
+indian puddin', and a pig's harslet stewed in molasses and onions,
+and I don't know what all, and the fore part of today folks called to
+finish. I actilly have nothin' left to set afore you; for it was none
+o' your skim-milk parties, but superfine uppercrust, real jam, and we
+made clean work of it. But I'll make some tea, anyhow, for you, and
+perhaps, arter that,' said she, alterin' of her tone, 'perhaps you'll
+expound the Scriptures, for it's one while since I've heerd them laid
+open powerfully. I hain't been fairly lifted up since that good man
+Judas Oglethorp travelled this road,' and then she gave a groan and
+hung down her head, and looked corner-ways, to see how the land lay
+thereabouts. The tea-kettle was accordingly put on, and some lard
+fried into oil, and poured into a tumbler; which, with the aid of an
+inch of cotton wick, served as a make shift for a candle.
+
+"Well, arter tea we sot and chatted awhile about fashions, and
+markets, and sarmons, and scandal, and all sorts o' things; and, in
+the midst of it, in runs the nigger wench, screemin' out at the tip
+eend of her voice, 'Oh Missus! Missus! there's fire in the dairy,
+fire in the dairy!' 'I'll give it to you for that,' said the old
+lady, 'I'll give it you for that, you good-for-nothin' hussy; that's
+all your carelessness; go and put it out this minit; how on airth
+did it get there? My night's milk gone, I dare say; run this minit
+and put it out, and save the milk.' I am dreadful afeard of fire, I
+always was from a boy, and seein' the poor foolish critter seize a
+broom in her fright, I ups with the tea-kettle and follows her; and
+away we clipt through the entry, she callin' out 'Mind the cellar
+door on the right!' 'Take kear of the close horse on the left!' and
+so on, but as I couldn't see nothin', I kept right straight ahead.
+At last my foot kotched in somethin' or another, that pitched me
+somewhat less than a rod or so, right agin the poor black critter,
+and away we went, heels over head. I heerd a splash and a groan, and
+I smelt somethin' plaguy sour, but I couldn't see nothin'; at last I
+got hold of her and lifted her up, for she didn't scream, but made a
+strange kind of chokin' noise, and by this time up came Marm Blake
+with a light. If poor Beck didn't let go then in airnest, and sing
+out for dear life, it's a pity, for she had gone head first into
+the swill tub, and the tea-kettle had scalded her feet. She kept
+a-dancin' right up and down, like one ravin' distracted mad, and
+boo-hoo'd like anything, clawin' away at her head the whole time,
+to clear away the stuff that stuck to her wool.
+
+"I held in as long as I could, till I thought I should have busted,
+for no soul could help a-larfin', and at last I haw-hawed right out.
+'You good-for-nothin' stupid slut you,' said the old lady to poor
+Beck, 'it sarves you right, you had no business to leave it
+there--I'll pay you.' 'But,' said I, interferin' for the unfortunate
+critter, 'good gracious, marm! you forget the fire.' 'No I don't,'
+said she, 'I see him,' and seizin' the broom that had fallen from the
+nigger's hand, she exclaimed, 'I see him, the nasty varmint,' and
+began to belabour most onmarcifully a poor half-starved cur that the
+noise had attracted to the entry. 'I'll teach you,' said she, 'to
+drink milk; I'll larn you to steal into the dairy; and the besot
+critter joined chorus with Beck, and they both yelled together, till
+they fairly made the house ring agin. Presently old Squire Blake
+popped his head out of a door, and rubbin' his eyes, half asleep and
+half awake, said, 'What the devil's to pay now, wife?' 'Why nothin','
+says she, 'only FIRE'S IN THE DAIRY, and Beck's in the swill tub,
+that's all.' 'Well, don't make such a touss, then,' said he, 'if
+that's all,' and he shot tu the door and went to bed agin. When we
+returned to the keepin' room, the old lady told me that they always
+had had a dog called 'Fire,' ever since her grandfather, Major Donald
+Fraser's time, 'and what was very odd,' says she, 'every one on 'em
+would drink milk if he had a chance.'
+
+"By this time the shower was over, and the moon shinin' so bright
+and clear that I thought I'd better be up and stirrin', and arter
+slippin' a few cents into the poor nigger wench's hand, I took
+leave of the grand folks in the big house. Now, Squire, among these
+middlin'-sized farmers you may lay this down as a rule: THE BIGGER
+THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE FOOLS BE THAT'S IN IT.
+
+"But, howsomever, I never call to mind that 'ere go in the big house,
+up to the right, that I don't snicker when I think of 'FIRE IN THE
+DAIRY.'"
+
+
+
+No. XXIX
+
+A Body without a Head.
+
+
+"I allot you had ought to visit our great country Squire," said the
+Clockmaker, "afore you quit for good and all. I calculate you don't
+understand us. The most splendid location atween the Poles is the
+United States, and the first man alive is Gineral Jackson, the hero
+of the age, him that skeered the British out of their seven senses.
+Then there's the great Danel Webster, it's generally allowed, he's
+the greatest orator on the face of the airth, by a long chalk; and
+Mr. Van Buren, and Mr. Clay, and Amos Kindle, and Judge White, and a
+whole raft of statesmen, up to everything and all manner of politics;
+there ain't the beat of 'em to be found anywhere. If you was to hear
+'em, I consait you'd hear genuine pure English for once, anyhow; for
+it's generally allowed we speak English better than the British. They
+all know me to be an American citizen here, by my talk, for we speak
+it complete in New England.
+
+"Yes, if you want to see a free people--them that makes their own
+laws, accordin' to their own notions--go to the States. Indeed, if
+you can falt them at all, they are a little grain too free. Our
+folks have their head a trifle too much, sometimes, particularly in
+elections, both in freedom of speech and freedom of press. One hadn't
+ought to blart right out always all that comes uppermost. A horse
+that's too free frets himself and his rider too, and both on 'em lose
+flesh in the long run. I'd e'enamost as lives use the whip sometimes,
+as to be for everlastinly a-pullin' at the rein. One's arm gets
+plaguy tired, that's a fact. I often think of a lesson I larnt Jehiel
+Quirk once, for lettin' his tongue outrun his good manners.
+
+"I was down to Rhode Island one summer to larn gildin' and bronzin',
+so as to give the finishin' touch to my clocks. Well, the folks
+elected me a hog-reave, jist to poke fun at me, and Mr. Jehiel,
+a bean pole of a lawyer, was at the bottom of it. So one day, up
+to Town Hall, where there was an oration to be delivered on our
+Independence, jist afore the orator commenced, in runs Jehiel in a
+most all-fired hurry; and, says he, 'I wonder,' says he, 'if there's
+ary a hog-reave here? because if there be I require a turn of his
+office.' And then, said he, a-lookin' up to me and callin' out at the
+tip eend of his voice, 'Mr. Hog-reave Slick,' says he, 'here's a job
+out here for you.' Folks snickered a good deal, and I felt my spunk
+a-risin' like half flood, that's a fact; but I bit in my breath, and
+spoke quite cool. 'Possible?' says I; 'well, duty, I do suppose, must
+be done, though it ain't the most agreeable in the world. I've been
+a-thinkin',' says I, 'that I would be liable to a fine of fifty cents
+for sufferin' a hog to run at large, and as you are the biggest one,
+I presume, in all Rhode Island, I'll jist begin by ringin' your nose,
+to prevent you for the futur' from pokin' your snout where you hadn't
+ought to;' and I seized him by the nose and nearly wrung it off.
+Well, you never heerd sich a shoutin' and clappin' of hands, and
+cheerin', in your life; they haw-hawed like thunder. Says I, 'Jehiel
+Quirk, that was a superb joke of your'n; how you made the folks larf,
+didn't you? You are e'enamost the wittiest critter I ever seed. I
+guess you'll mind your parts o' speech, and study the ACCIDENCE agin
+afore you let your clapper run arter that fashion, won't you?'"
+
+"I thought," said I, "that among you republicans, there were no
+gradations of rank or office, and that all were equal, the hog-reave
+and the governor, the judge and the crier, the master and his
+servant; and although, from the natur' of things, more power might
+be entrusted to one than the other, yet that the rank of all was
+precisely the same."
+
+"Well," said he, "it is so in theory, but not always in practice; and
+when we do pracTISE it, it seems to go a little agin the grain, as
+if it warn't quite right neither. When I was last to Baltimore there
+was a court there, and Chief Justice Marshall was detailed there for
+duty. Well, with us in New England, the sheriff attends the judge to
+court and, says I to the sheriff, 'Why don't you escort that 'ere
+venerable old judge to the State House? He's a credit to our nation
+that man, he's actilly the first pot hook on the crane; the whole
+weight is on him; if it warn't for him the fat would be in the fire
+in no time. I wonder you don't show him that respect--it wouldn't
+hurt you one morsel, I guess.' Says he, quite miffy like, 'Don't he
+know the way to court as well as I do? If I thought he didn't, I'd
+send one of my niggers to show him the road. I wonder who was his
+lackey last year, that he wants me to be his'n this time. It don't
+convene to one of our free and enlightened citizens, to tag arter any
+man, that's a fact; it's too English and too foreign for our glorious
+institutions. He's bound by law to be there at ten o'clock, and so be
+I, and we both know the way there I reckon.'
+
+"I told the story to our minister, Mr. Hopewell (and he has some odd
+notions about him, that man, though he don't always let out what he
+thinks). Says he, 'Sam, that was in bad taste' (a great phrase of the
+old gentleman's that), 'in bad taste, Sam. That 'ere sheriff was a
+goney; don't cut your cloth arter his pattern, or your garment won't
+become you, I tell you. We are too enlightened to worship our fellow
+citizens as the ancients did, but we ought to pay great respect to
+vartue and exalted talents in this life; and, arter their death,
+there should be statues of eminent men placed in our national
+temples, for the veneration of arter ages, and public ceremonies
+performed annually to their honour. Arter all, Sam,' said he (and he
+made a considerable of a long pause, as if he was dubersome whether
+he ought to speak out or not), 'arter all, Sam,' said he, 'atween
+ourselves (but you must not let on I said so, for the fullness of
+time hain't yet come), half a yard of blue ribbon is a plaguy cheap
+way of rewardin' merit, as the English do; and, although we larf at
+'em (for folks always will larf at what they hain't got, and never
+can get), yet titles ain't bad things as objects of ambition, are
+they?' Then, tappin' me on the shoulder, and lookin' up and smilin',
+as he always did when he was pleased with an idee, 'Sir Samuel Slick
+would not sound bad, I guess, would it Sam?'
+
+"'When I look at the English House of Lords,' said he, 'and see so
+much larning, piety, talent, honour, vartue, and refinement collected
+together, I ax myself this here question: can a system which produces
+and sustains such a body of men, as the world never saw before and
+never will see agin, be defective? Well, I answer myself, perhaps
+it is, for all human institutions are so, but I guess it's e'enabout
+the best arter all. It wouldn't do here now, Sam, nor perhaps for
+a century to come, but it will come sooner or later with some
+variations. Now the Newtown pippin, when transplanted to England,
+don't produce such fruit as it does in Long Island, and English
+fruits don't preserve their flavour here, neither; allowance must
+be made for difference of soil and climate (Oh Lord! thinks I, if
+he turns in to his orchard, I'm done for; I'll have to give him the
+dodge somehow or another, through some hole in the fence, that's
+a fact; but he passed on that time). 'So it is,' said he, 'with
+constitutions; our'n will gradually approximate to their'n, and
+their'n to our'n. As they lose their strength of executive, they will
+varge to republicanism, and as we invigorate the form of government
+(as we must do, or go to the old boy), we shall tend towards a
+monarchy. If this comes on gradually, like the changes in the human
+body, by the slow approach of old age, so much the better; but I
+fear we shall have fevers, and convulsion-fits, and cholics, and an
+everlastin' gripin' of the intestines first; you and I won't live to
+see it Sam, but our posteriors will, you may depend.'
+
+"I don't go the whole figur' with minister," said the Clockmaker,
+"but I do opinionate with him in part. In our business relations we
+belie our political principles; we say every man is equal in the
+Union, and should have an equal vote and voice in the Government; but
+in our banks, railroad companies, factory corporations, and so on,
+every man's vote is regilated by his share and proportion of stock;
+and if it warn't so, no man would take hold on these things at all.
+
+"Natur' ordained it so--a father of a family is head, and rules
+supreme in his household; his eldest son and darter are like first
+leftenants under him, and then there is an overseer over the niggers;
+it would not do for all to be equal there. So it is in the univarse,
+it is ruled by one Superior Power; if all the angels had a voice in
+the government I guess--" Here I fell fast asleep; I had been nodding
+for some time, not in approbation of what he said, but in heaviness
+of slumber, for I had never before heard him so prosy since I first
+overtook him on the Colchester road. I hate politics as a subject of
+conversation; it is too wide a field for chit-chat, and too often
+ends in angry discussion. How long he continued this train of
+speculation I do not know, but, judging by the different aspect of
+the country, I must have slept an hour.
+
+I was at length aroused by the report of his rifle, which he had
+discharged from the wagon. The last I recollected of his conversation
+was, I think, about American angels having no voice in the
+government, an assertion that struck my drowsy faculties as not
+strictly true; as I had often heard that the American ladies talked
+frequently and warmly on the subject of politics, and knew that one
+of them had very recently the credit of breaking up General Jackson's
+cabinet. When I awoke, the first I heard was "Well! I declare, if
+that ain't an amazin' fine shot, too, Considerin' how the critter was
+a-runnin' the whole blessed time; if I hain't cut her head off with a
+ball, jist below the throat, that's a fact. There's no mistake in a
+good Kentucky rifle! I tell you."
+
+"Whose head?" said I, in great alarm, "whose head, Mr. Slick? For
+heaven's sake what have you done?" (for I had been dreaming of those
+angelic politicians, the American ladies.)
+
+"Why that 'ere hen-partridge's head, to be sure," said he; "don't you
+see how special wonderful wise it looks, a-flutterin' about arter its
+head?"
+
+"True," said I, rubbing my eyes, and opening them in time to see the
+last muscular spasms of the decapitated body; "true, Mr. Slick, it is
+a happy illustration of our previous conversation--A BODY WITHOUT A
+HEAD."
+
+
+
+No. XXX
+
+A Tale of Bunker's Hill.
+
+
+Mr. Slick, like all his countrymen whom I have seen, felt that his
+own existence was involved in that of the Constitution of the United
+States, and that it was his duty to uphold it upon all occasions. He
+affected to consider its government and its institutions as perfect,
+and if any doubt was suggested as to the stability or character of
+either, would make the common reply of all Americans, "I guess you
+don't understand us," or else enter into a laboured defence. When
+left, however, to the free expression of his own thoughts, he would
+often give utterance to those apprehensions which most men feel in
+the event of an experiment not yet fairly tried, and which has in
+many parts evidently disappointed the sanguine hopes of its friends.
+But, even on these occasions, when his vigilance seemed to slumber,
+he would generally cover them, by giving them as the remarks of
+others, or concealing them in a tale. It was this habit that gave his
+discourse rather the appearance of "thinking aloud," than a connected
+conversation.
+
+"We are a great nation, Squire," he said, "that's sartain; but I'm
+afeard we didn't altogether start right. It's in politics as in
+racin', everything depends upon a fair start. If you are off too
+quick, you have to pull up and turn back agin, and your beast gets
+out of wind and is baffled, and if you lose in the start you hain't
+got a fair chance arterwards, and are plaguy apt to be jockied in
+the course. When we set up house-keepin', as it were for ourselves,
+we hated our stepmother, Old England, so dreadful bad, we wouldn't
+foller any of her ways of managin' at all, but made new receipts for
+ourselves. Well, we missed it in many things most consumedly, somehow
+or another. Did you ever see," said he, "a congregation split right
+in two by a quarrel, and one part go off and set up for themselves?"
+
+"I am sorry to say," said I, "that I have seen some melancholy
+instances of the kind."
+
+"Well, they shoot ahead, or drop astern, as the case may be, but they
+soon get on another tack, and leave the old ship clean out of sight.
+When folks once take to emigratin' in religion in this way, they
+never know where to bide. First they try one location, and then they
+try another; some settle here and some improve there, but they don't
+hitch their horses together long. Some times they complain they HAVE
+TOO LITTLE WATER, at other times that they HAVE TOO MUCH; they are
+never satisfied, and, wherever these separatists go, they onsettle
+others as bad as themselves. I NEVER LOOK ON A DESARTER AS ANY GREAT
+SHAKES.
+
+"My poor father used to say, 'Sam, mind what I tell you, if a man
+don't agree in all particulars with his church, and can't go the
+whole hog with 'em, he ain't justified on that account, no how, to
+separate from them, for Sam, SCHISM IS A SIN IN THE EYE OF GOD. The
+whole Christian world,' he would say, 'is divided into two great
+families, the Catholic and Protestant. Well, the Catholic is a united
+family, a happy family, and a strong family, all governed by one
+head; and Sam, as sure as eggs is eggs, that 'ere family will grub
+out t'other one, stalk, branch and root; it won't so much as leave
+the seed of it in the ground, to grow by chance as a nateral
+curiosity. Now the Protestant family is like a bundle of refuse
+shingles, when withed up together (which it never was and never will
+be to all etarnity), no great of a bundle arter all; you might take
+it up under one arm, and walk off with it without winkin'. But, when
+all lyin' loose as it always is, jist look at it, and see what a
+sight it is, all blowin' about by every wind of doctrine, some away
+up e'enamost out of sight, others rollin' over and over in the dirt,
+some split to pieces, and others so warped by the weather and cracked
+by the sun--no two of 'em will lie so as to make a close j'int. They
+are all divided into sects, railin', quarrellin', separatin', and
+agreein' in nothin', but hatin' each other. It is awful to think on.
+T'other family will some day or other gather them all up, put them
+into a bundle and bind them up tight, and condemn 'em as fit for
+nothin' under the sun, but the fire. Now he who splits one of these
+here sects by schism, or he who preaches schism, commits a grievous
+sin; and Sam, if you vally your own peace of mind, have nothin' to do
+with such folks.
+
+"'It's pretty much the same in Politics. I ain't quite clear in my
+conscience, Sam, about our glorious revolution. If that 'ere blood
+was shed justly in the rebellion, then it was the Lord's doin',
+but if unlawfully, how am I to answer for my share in it? I was at
+Bunker's Hill (the most splendid battle it's generally allowed that
+ever was fought); what effect my shots had, I can't tell, and I am
+glad I can't, all except one, Sam, and that shot--' Here the old
+gentleman became dreadful agitated, he shook like an ague fit, and
+he walked up and down the room, and wrung his hands, and groaned
+bitterly. 'I have wrastled with the Lord, Sam, and have prayed to
+him to enlighten me on that p'int, and to wash out the stain of that
+'ere blood from my hands. I never told you that 'ere story, nor your
+mother neither, for she could not stand it, poor critter, she's
+kinder narvous.
+
+"'Well, Doctor Warren (the first soldier of his age, though he never
+fought afore) commanded us all to resarve our fire till the British
+came within p'int-blank shot, and we could cleverly see the whites
+of their eyes, and we did so; and we mowed them down like grass, and
+we repeated our fire with awful effect. I was among the last that
+remained behind the breast-work, for most on 'em, arter the second
+shot, cut and run full split. The British were close to us; and
+an officer, with his sword drawn, was leading on his men, and
+encouragin' them to the charge. I could see his features; he was a
+real handsum man, I can see him now with his white breeches and black
+gaiters, and red coat, and three-cornered cocked hat, as plain as if
+it was yesterday, instead of the year '75. Well, I took a steady aim
+at him and fired. He didn't move for a space, and I thought I had
+missed him, when all of a sudden, he sprung right straight up an
+eend, his sword slipped through his hands up to the p'int, and then
+he fell flat on his face atop of the blade, and it came straight out
+through his back. He was fairly skivered. I never seed anything so
+awful since I was raised; I actilly screamed out with horror; and I
+threw away my gun, and joined them that were retreatin' over the neck
+to Charlestown. Sam, that 'ere British officer, if our rebellion was
+onjust or onlawful, was murdered, that's a fact; and the idee, now I
+am growin' old, haunts me day and night. Sometimes I begin with the
+Stamp Act, and I go over all our grievances, one by one, and say
+ain't they a sufficient justification? Well, it makes a long list,
+and I get kinder satisfied, and it appears as clear as anything. But
+sometimes there come doubts in my mind, jist like a guest that's not
+invited or not expected, and takes you at a short like, and I say,
+warn't the Stamp Act repealed, and concessions made, and warn't
+offers sent to settle all fairly? and I get troubled and oneasy agin.
+And then I say to myself, says I, oh yes, but them offers came too
+late. I do nothin' now, when I am alone, but argue it over and over
+agin. I actilly dream on that man in my sleep sometimes, and then I
+see him as plain as if he was afore me, and I go over it all agin
+till I come to that 'ere shot, and then I leap right up in bed and
+scream like all vengeance, and your mother, poor old critter, says,
+"Sam," says she, "what on airth ails you to make you act so like Old
+Scratch in your sleep? I do believe there's somethin' or another on
+your conscience." And I say, "Polly dear, I guess we're a-goin' to
+have rain, for that plaguy cute rheumatis has seized my foot and it
+does antagonize me so I have no peace. It always does so when it's
+like for a change." "Dear heart," she says (the poor simple critter),
+"then I guess I had better rub it, hadn't I, Sam?" and she crawls out
+of bed and gets her red flannel petticoat, and rubs away at my foot
+ever so long. Oh, Sam, if she could rub it out of my heart as easy as
+she thinks she rubs it out of my foot, I should be in peace, that's a
+fact.
+
+"'What's done, Sam, can't be helped, there is no use in cryin' over
+spilt milk, but still one can't help a-thinkin' on it. But I don't
+love schisms and I don't love rebellion.
+
+"'Our revolution has made us grow faster and grow richer; but Sam,
+when we were younger and poorer, we were more pious and more happy.
+We have nothin' fixed either in religion or politics. What connection
+there ought to be atween Church and State, I am not availed, but some
+there ought to be as sure as the Lord made Moses. Religion when left
+to itself, as with us, grows too rank and luxuriant. Suckers and
+sprouts, and intersecting shoots, and superfluous wood, make a
+nice shady tree to look at, but where's the fruit, Sam? That's the
+question--where's the fruit? No; the pride of human wisdom, and the
+presumption it breeds will ruinate us. Jefferson was an infidel, and
+avowed it, and gloried in it, and called it the enlightenment of the
+age. Cambridge College is Unitarian, 'cause it looks wise to doubt,
+and every drumstick of a boy ridicules the belief of his forefathers.
+If our country is to be darkened by infidelity, our Government
+defied by every State, and every State ruled by mobs--then, Sam, the
+blood we shed in our revolution will be atoned for in the blood and
+suffering of our fellow citizens. The murders of that civil war will
+be expiated by a political suicide of the State.'
+
+"I am somewhat of father's opinion," said the Clockmaker, "though I
+don't go the whole figur' with him, but he needn't have made such an
+everlastin' touss about fixin' that 'ere British officer's flint for
+him, for he'd a died of himself by this time, I do suppose, if he had
+a missed his shot at him. P'r'aps we might have done a little better,
+and p'r'aps we mightn't, by stickin' a little closer to the old
+constitution. But one thing I will say, I think arter all, your
+Colony Government is about as happy and as a good a one as I know on.
+A man's life and property are well protected here at little cost, and
+he can go where he likes and do what he likes provided he don't
+trespass on his neighbour.
+
+"I guess that's enough for any on us, now ain't it?"
+
+
+
+No. XXXI
+
+Gulling a Bluenose.
+
+
+"I allot," said Mr. Slick, "that the Bluenoses are the most gullible
+folks on the face of the airth--rigular soft horns, that's a fact.
+Politics and such stuff set 'em a-gapin', like children in a chimbley
+corner listenin' to tales of ghosts, Salem witches, and Nova Scotia
+snowstorms; and while they stand starin' and yawpin' all eyes and
+mouth, they get their pockets picked of every cent that's in 'em.
+One candidate chap says 'Feller citizens, this country is goin' to
+the dogs hand over hand; look at your rivers, you have no bridges;
+at your wild lands, you have no roads; at your treasury, you hain't
+got a cent in it; at your markets, things don't fetch nothin'; at
+your fish, the Yankees ketch 'em all. There's nothin' behind you but
+sufferin', around you but poverty, afore you but slavery and death.
+What's the cause of this unheerd of awful state of things, ay, what's
+the cause? Why judges, and banks, and lawyers, and great folks, have
+swallered all the money. They've got you down, and they'll keep you
+down to all etarnity, you and your posteriors arter you. Rise up like
+men, arouse yourselves like freemen, and elect me to the legislatur',
+and I'll lead on the small but patriotic band, I'll put the big wigs
+through their facins, I'll make 'em shake in their shoes, I'll knock
+off your chains and make you free.' Well, the goneys fall tu and
+elect him, and he desarts right away, with balls, rifle, powder, horn
+and all. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
+
+"Then comes a real good man, and an everlastin' fine preacher, a most
+a special spiritual man; renounces the world, the flesh, and the
+devil, preaches and prays day and night, so kind to the poor, and so
+humble, he has no more pride than a babe, and so short-handed he's no
+butter to his bread--all self denial, mortifyin' the flesh. Well, as
+soon as he can work it, he marries the richest gal in all his flock,
+and then his bread is buttered on both sides. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
+
+"Then comes a doctor, and a prime article he is too, 'I've got,' says
+he, 'a screw auger emetic and hot crop, and if I can't cure all sorts
+o' things in natur' my name ain't Quack.' Well, he turns stomach and
+pocket, both inside out, and leaves poor Bluenose--a dead man. HE
+PROMISED TOO MUCH.
+
+"Then comes a lawyer, an honest lawyer too, a real wonder under the
+sun, as straight as a shingle in all his dealin's. He's so honest he
+can't bear to hear tell of other lawyers; he writes agin 'em, raves
+agin 'em, votes agin 'em, they are all rogues but him. He's jist the
+man to take a case in hand, 'cause HE will see justice done. Well,
+he wins his case, and fobs all for costs, 'cause he's sworn to see
+justice done to--himself. HE PROMISED TOO MUCH.
+
+"Then comes a Yankee Clockmaker" (and here Mr. Slick looked up and
+smiled), "with his 'soft sawder,' and 'human natur',' and he sells
+clocks warranted to run from July to Etarnity, stoppages included,
+and I must say they do run as long as--as long as wooden clocks
+commonly do, that's a fact. But I'll show you presently how I put the
+leak into 'em, for here's a feller a little bit ahead on us, whose
+flint I've made up my mind to fix this while past." Here we were
+nearly thrown out of the wagon by the breaking down of one of those
+small wooden bridges, which prove so annoying and so dangerous to
+travellers. "Did you hear that 'ere snap?" said he; "well, as sure as
+fate, I'll break my clocks over them 'ere etarnal log bridges, if Old
+Clay clips over them arter that fashion. Them 'ere poles are plaguy
+treacherous, they are jist like old Marm Patience Doesgood's teeth,
+that keeps the great United Independent Democratic Hotel, at Squaw
+Neck Creek, in Massachusetts--one half gone, and t'other half rotten
+eends."
+
+"I thought you had disposed of your last clock," said I, "at
+Colchester, to Deacon Flint."
+
+"So I did," he replied, "the last one I had to sell to HIM, but I got
+a few left for other folks yet. Now there is a man on this road, one
+Zeb Allen, a real genuINE skinflint, a proper close-fisted customer
+as you'll a'most see anywhere, and one that's not altogether the
+straight thing in his dealin' neither. He don't want no one to live
+but himself; and he's mighty handsum to me, sayin' my clocks are all
+a cheat, and that we ruinate the country, a-drainin' every drop of
+money out of it, a-callin' me a Yankee broom and what not. But it
+ain't all jist Gospel that he says. Now I'll put a clock on him afore
+he knows it, I'll go right into him as slick as a whistle, and play
+him to the eend of my line like a trout. I'll have a hook in his
+gills, while he's a-thinkin' he's only smellin' at the bait. There he
+is now, I'll be darned if he ain't, standin' afore his shop door,
+lookin' as strong as high proof Jamaiky; I guess I'll whip it out o'
+the bung while he's a-lookin' arter the spicket, and p'r'aps he'll be
+none o' the wiser till he finds it out, neither."
+
+"Well, Squire, how do you do," said he, "how's all at home?"
+
+"Reasonable well, I give you thanks, won't you alight?"
+
+"Can't today," said Mr. Slick, "I'm in a considerable of a hurry to
+katch the packet, have you any commands for Sou'west? I'm goin' to
+the Island, and across the Bay to Windsor. Any word that way?"
+
+"No," says Mr. Allen, "none that I can think on, unless it be to
+enquire how butter's goin'; they tell me cheese is down, and proDUCE
+of all kind particular dull this fall."
+
+"Well, I'm glad I can tell you that question," said Slick, "for I
+don't calculate to return to these parts; butter is risin' a cent or
+two; I put mine off mind at tenpence."
+
+"Don't return! possible? why, how you talk. Have you done with the
+clock trade?"
+
+"I guess I have, it ain't worth follerin' now."
+
+"Most time," said the other, laughing, "for by all accounts the
+clocks warn't worth havin', and most infarnal dear too, folks begin
+to get their eyes open."
+
+"It warn't needed in your case," said Mr. Slick, with that peculiarly
+composed manner, that indicates suppressed feeling, "for you were
+always wide awake; if all the folks had cut their eye-teeth as airly
+as you did, their'd be plaguy few clocks sold in these parts, I
+reckon; but you are right, Squire, you may say that, they actilly
+were NOT worth havin', and that's the truth. The fact is," said he,
+throwing down his reins, and affecting a most confidential tone, "I
+felt almost ashamed of them myself; I tell you. The long and short of
+the matter is jist this: they don't make no good ones nowadays, no
+more, for they calculate 'em for shippin' and not for home use. I
+was all struck up of a heap when I seed the last lot I got from the
+States; I was properly bit by them, you may depend--they didn't pay
+cost, for I couldn't recommend them with a clear conscience, and I
+must say I do like a fair deal, for I'm strait up and down, and love
+to go right ahead, that's a fact. Did you ever see them I fetched
+when I first came, them I sold over the Bay?"
+
+"No," said Mr. Allen, "I can't say I did."
+
+"Well," continued he, "they WERE a prime article, I tell you, no
+mistake there, fit for any market, it's generally allowed there ain't
+the beat of them to be found anywhere. If you want a clock, and can
+lay your hands on one of them, I advise you not to let go the chance;
+you'll know 'em by the 'Lowell' mark, for they were all made at Judge
+Beler's factory, Squire Shepody, down to Five Islands, axed me to
+get him one, and a special job I had of it, near about more sarch
+arter it than it was worth; but I did get him one, and a particular
+handsome one it is, copal'd and gilt superior. I guess it's worth ary
+half dozen in these parts, let t'others be where they may. If I could
+a got supplied with the like o' them, I could a made a grand spec out
+of them, for they took at once, and went off quick."
+
+"Have you got it with you?" said Mr. Allen, "I should like to see
+it."
+
+"Yes, I have it here, all done up in tow, as snug as a bird's egg, to
+keep it from jarrin', for it hurts 'em consumedly to jolt 'em over
+them 'ere etarnal wooden bridges. But it's no use to take it out, it
+ain't for sale; it's bespoke, and I wouldn't take the same trouble
+to get another for twenty dollars. The only one that I know of that
+there's any chance of gettin', is one that Increase Crane has up to
+Wilmot, they say he's a-sellin' off."
+
+After a good deal of persuasion, Mr. Slick unpacked the clock, but
+protested against his asking for it, for it was not for sale. It was
+then exhibited, every part explained and praised, as new in invention
+and perfect in workmanship. Now Mr. Allen had a very exalted opinion
+of Squire Shepody's taste, judgment, and saving knowledge; and, as
+it was the last and only chance of getting a clock of such superior
+quality, he offered to take it at the price the Squire was to have
+it, at seven pounds ten shillings. But Mr. Slick vowed he couldn't
+part with it at no rate, he didn't know where he could get the like
+agin (for he warn't quite sure about Increase Crane's), and the
+Squire would be confounded disappointed; he couldn't think of it.
+In proportion to the difficulties, rose the ardour of Mr. Allen; his
+offers advanced to eight pounds, to eight pounds ten shillings, to
+nine pounds.
+
+"I vow," said Mr. Slick, "I wish I hadn't let on that I had it at
+all. I don't like to refuse you, but where am I to get the like?"
+After much discussion of a similar nature, he consented to part with
+the clock, though with great apparent reluctance, and pocketed the
+money with a protest that, cost what it would, he should have to
+procure another, for he couldn't think of putting the Squire's pipe
+out arter that fashion, for he was a very clever man, and as fair
+as a boot jack.
+
+"Now," said Mr. Slick, as we proceeded on our way, "that 'ere feller
+is properly sarved, he got the most inferior article I had, and I
+jist doubled the price on him. It's a pity he should be a-tellin' of
+lies of the Yankees all the time; this will help him now to a little
+grain of truth." Then mimicking his voice and manner, he repeated
+Allen's words with a strong nasal twang, "'Most time for you to give
+over the clock trade, I guess, for by all accounts they ain't worth
+havin', and most infarnel dear too; folks begin to get their eyes
+open.' Better for you, if you'd a had your'n open, I reckon; a joke
+is a joke, but I consait you'll find that no joke. The next time you
+tell stories about Yankee peddlers, put the wooden clock in with
+the wooden punkin seeds, and hickory hams, will you? The Bluenoses,
+Squire, are all like Zeb Allen; they think they know everything, but
+they get gulled from year's eend to year's eend. They expect too much
+from others, and do too little for themselves. They actilly expect
+the sun to shine, and the rain to fall, through their little House of
+Assembly. 'What have you done for us?' they keep axin' their members.
+'Who did you spunk up to last Session?' jist as if all legislation
+consisted in attackin' some half dozen puss proud folks at Halifax,
+who are jist as big noodles as they be themselves. You hear nothin'
+but politics, politics, politics, one everlastin' sound of give,
+give, give. If I was Governor I'd give 'em the butt eend of my mind
+on the subject, I'd crack their pates till I let some light in 'em,
+if it was me, I know. I'd say to the members, don't come down here to
+Halifax with your long lockrums about politics, makin', a great touss
+about nothin'; but open the country, foster agricultur', encourage
+trade, incorporate companies, make bridges, facilitate conveyance,
+and above all things make a railroad from Windsor to Halifax; and
+mind what I tell you now--write it down for fear you should forget
+it, for it's a fact; and if you don't believe me, I'll lick you till
+you do, for there ain't a word of a lie in it, by gum--ONE SUCH WORK
+AS THE WINDSOR BRIDGE IS WORTH ALL YOUR LAWS, VOTES, SPEECHES AND
+RESOLUTIONS, FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS, IF TIED UP AND PUT INTO A MEAL
+BAG TOGETHER. IF IT AIN'T, I HOPE I MAY BE SHOT!"
+
+
+
+No. XXXII
+
+Too many Irons in the Fire.
+
+
+We had a pleasant sail of three hours from Parrsboro' to Windsor. The
+arrivals and departures by water, are regulated at this place by the
+tide, and it was sunset before we reached Mrs. Wilcox's comfortable
+inn. Here, as at other places, Mr. Slick seemed to be perfectly at
+home; and he pointed to a wooden clock, as a proof of his successful
+and extended trade, and of the universal influence of "soft sawder,"
+and a knowledge of "human natur'." Taking out a pen knife, he cut off
+a splinter from a stick of firewood, and balancing himself on one leg
+of his chair, by the aid of his right foot, commenced his favourite
+amusement of whitling, which he generally pursued in silence. Indeed
+it appeared to have become with him an indispensible accompaniment
+of reflection.
+
+He sat in this abstracted manner, until he had manufactured into
+delicate shavings the whole of his raw materiel, when he very
+deliberately resumed a position of more ease and security, by resting
+his chair on two legs instead of one, and putting both his feet on
+the mantel piece. Then, lighting his cigar, he said in his usual
+quiet manner--
+
+"There's a plaguy sight of truth in them 'ere old proverbs. They are
+distilled facts steamed down to an essence. They are like portable
+soup, an amazin' deal of matter in a small compass. They are what I
+vally most, experience. Father used to say, 'I'd as lives have an old
+homespun, self-taught doctor as ary a Professor in the college at
+Philadelphia or New York to attend me; for what they do know, they
+know by experience, and not by books; and experience is everything,
+it's hearin' and seein' and tryin', and arter that a feller must be a
+born fool if he don't know. That's the beauty of old proverbs; they
+are as true as a plum line, and as short and sweet as sugar candy.
+Now when you come to see all about this country you'll find the truth
+of that 'ere one--'A MAN THAT HAS TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE, IS
+PLAGUY APT TO GET SOME ON 'EM BURNT.'
+
+"Do you recollect that 'ere tree I show'd you to Parrsboro', it was
+all covered with black knobs, like a wart rubbed with caustic. Well,
+the plum trees had the same disease a few years ago, and they all
+died, and the cherry trees I consait will go for it too. The farms
+here are all covered with the same 'black knobs,' and they do look
+like Old Scratch. If you see a place all gone to wrack and ruin, its
+mortgaged you may depend. The 'black knob' is on it. My plan, you
+know, is to ax leave to put a clock in a house, and let it be till I
+return. I never say a word about sellin' it, for I know when I come
+back, they won't let it go arter they are once used to it. Well, when
+I first came, I knowed no one, and I was forced to enquire whether
+a man was good for it, afore I left it with him; so I made a p'int
+of axin' all about every man's place that lived on the road. 'Who
+lives up there in the big house?' says I, 'it's a nice location that,
+pretty considerable improvements them.' 'Why sir, that's A. B.'s; he
+was well to do in the world once, carried a stiff upper lip and keerd
+for no one; he was one of our grand aristocrats, wore a long tailed
+coat, and a ruffled shirt, but he must take to ship buildin', and
+has gone to the dogs.' 'Oh,' said I, 'too many irons in the fire.
+Well, the next farm, where the pigs are in the potato field, whose
+is that?' 'Oh, sir, that's C. D's; he was a considerable fore-handed
+farmer, as any in our place, but he sot up for an Assembly-man, and
+opened a store, and things went agin him somehow; he had no luck
+arterwards. I hear his place is mortgaged, and they've got him cited
+in chancery.' 'The black knob' is on him, said I. 'The black what,
+sir?' says Bluenose. 'Nothin',' says I. 'But the next, who improves
+that house?' 'Why that's E. F.'s; he was the greatest farmer in
+these parts, another of the aristocracy; had a most a noble stock o'
+cattle, and the matter of some hundreds out in j'int notes. Well, he
+took the contract for beef with the troops; and he fell astarn, so I
+guess it's a gone goose with him. He's heavy mortgaged.' 'Too many
+irons agin,' said I. 'Who lives to the left there? That man has a
+most a special fine interval, and a grand orchard too; he must be
+a good mark, that.' 'Well he was once, sir, a few years ago; but
+he built a fullin' mill, and a cardin' mill, and put up a lumber
+establishment, and speculated in the West Indy line; but the dam was
+carried away by the freshets, the lumber fell, and faith he fell too;
+he's shot up, he hain't been seed these two years, his farm is a
+common, and fairly run out.' 'Oh,' said I, 'I understand now, my man;
+these folks had too many irons in the fire you see, and some on 'em
+have got burnt.' 'I never heerd tell of it,' says Bluenose; 'they
+might, but not to my knowledge;' and he scratched his head, and
+looked as if he would ask the meanin' of it, but didn't like too.
+Arter that I axed no more questions; I knew a mortgaged farm as far
+as I could see it. There was a strong family likeness in 'em all--the
+same ugly features, the same cast o' countenance. The "black knob"
+was discernible, there was no mistake: barn doors broken off, fences
+burnt up, glass out of windows; more white crops than green, and both
+lookin' poor and weedy; no wood pile, no sarse garden, no compost,
+no stock; moss in the mowin lands, thistles in the ploughed lands,
+and neglect every where; skinnin' had commenced--takin' all out and
+puttin' nothin' in--gittin' ready for a move, SO AS TO HAVE NOTHIN'
+BEHIND. Flittin' time had come. Foregatherin', for foreclosin'.
+Preparin' to curse and quit. That beautiful river we came up today,
+What superfine farms it has on both sides of it, hain't it? it's a
+sight to behold. Our folks have no notion of such a country so far
+down east, beyond creation most, as Nova Scotia is. If I was to draw
+up an account of it for the Slickville Gazette, I guess few would
+accept it as a bona fide draft, without some 'sponsible man to
+indorse it, that warn't given to flammin'. They'd say there was a
+land speculation to the bottom of it, or water privilege to put into
+the market, or a plaister rock to get off, or some such scheme. They
+would, I snore. But I hope I may never see daylight agin, if there's
+sich a country in all our great nation, as the VI-cinity of Windsor.
+
+"Now it's jist as like as not, some goney of a Bluenose, that seed
+us from his fields, sailin' up full split, with a fair wind on
+the packet, went right off home and said to his wife, 'Now do for
+gracious' sake, mother, jist look here, and see how slick them
+folks go along; and that captain has nothin' to do all day, but sit
+straddle legs across his tiller, and order about his sailors, or
+talk like a gentleman to his passengers; he's got most as easy a time
+of it as Ami Cuttle has, since he took up the fur trade, a-snarin'
+rabbits. I guess I'll buy a vessel, and leave the lads to do the
+ploughin' and little chores; they've growed up now to be considerable
+lumps of boys.' Well, away he'll go, hot foot (for I know the
+critters better nor they know themselves), and he'll go and buy some
+old wrack of a vessel, to carry plaister, and mortgage his farm to
+pay for her. The vessel will jam him up tight for repairs and new
+riggin', and the sheriff will soon pay him a visit (and he's a most
+particular troublesome visitor that; if he once only gets a slight
+how-d'ye-do acquaintance, he becomes so amazin' intimate arterwards,
+a-comin' in without knockin', and a-runnin' in and out at all hours,
+and makin' so plaguy free and easy, it's about as much as a bargain
+if you can get clear of him afterwards). Benipt by the tide, and
+benipt by the sheriff, the vessel makes short work with him. Well,
+the upshot is, the farm gets neglected while Captain Cuddy is to sea
+a-drogin' of plaister. The thistles run over his grain fields, his
+cattle run over his hay land, the interest runs over its time, the
+mortgage runs over all, and at last he jist runs over to the lines
+to Eastport, himself. And when he finds himself there, a-standin' in
+the street, near Major Pine's tavern, with his hands in his trouser
+pockets, a-chasin' of a stray shillin' from one eend of 'em to
+another, afore he can catch it to swap for a dinner, won't he look
+like a ravin' distracted fool, that's all? He'll feel about as
+streaked as I did once, a-ridin' down the St. John river. It was the
+fore part of March--I'd been up to Fredericton a-speculatin' in a
+small matter of lumber, and was returnin' to the city, a-gallopin'
+along on one of old Buntin's horses, on the ice, and all at one I
+missed my horse, he went right slap in and slid under the ice out of
+sight as quick as wink, and there I was a-standin' all alone. Well,
+says I, what the dogs has become of my horse and port mantle? they
+have given me a proper dodge, that's a fact. That is a narrer squeak,
+it fairly bangs all. Well, I guess he'll feel near about as ugly,
+when he finds himself brought up all standin' that way; and it will
+come so sudden on him, he'll say, why, it ain't possible I've lost
+farm and vessel both, in tu tu's that way, but I don't see neither on
+'em. Eastport is near about all made up of folks who have had to cut
+and run for it.
+
+"I was down there last fall, and who should I see but Thomas Rigby,
+of Windsor. He knew me the minit he laid eyes upon me, for I had sold
+him a clock the summer afore. (I got paid for it, though, for I seed
+he had too many irons in the fire not to get some on 'em burnt; and
+besides, I knew every fall and spring the wind set in for the lines
+from Windsor very strong--a regular trade wind--a sort of monshune,
+that blows all one way, for a long time without shiftin'.) Well, I
+felt proper sorry for him, for he was a very clever man, and looked
+cut up dreadfully, and amazin' down in the mouth. 'Why,' says I,
+'possible? is that you, Mr. Rigby? why, as I am alive! if that ain't
+my old friend--why, how do you do?' 'Hearty, I thank you,' said he,
+'how be you?' 'Reasonable well, I give you thanks,' says I; 'but what
+on airth brought you here?' 'Why,' says he, 'Mr. Slick, I couldn't
+well avoid it; times are uncommon dull over the bay; there's nothin'
+stirrin' there this year, and never will I'm thinkin'. No mortal soul
+CAN live in Nova Scotia. I do believe that our country was made of a
+Sunday night, arter all the rest of the univarse was finished. One
+half of it has got all the ballast of Noah's ark thrown out there;
+and the other half is eat up by bankers, lawyers, and other great
+folks. All our money goes to pay salaries, and a poor man has no
+chance at all.' 'Well,' says I, 'are you done up stock and fluke--a
+total wrack?' 'No,' says he, 'I have two hundred pounds left yet to
+the good, but my farm, stock and utensils, them young blood horses,
+and the bran' new vessel I was a-buildin', are all gone to pot,
+swept as clean as a thrashin' floor, that's a fact; Shark and Co.
+took all.' 'Well,' says I, 'do you know the reason of all that
+misfortin'?' 'Oh,' says he, 'any fool can tell that; bad times to be
+sure--everything has turned agin the country, the banks have it all
+their own way, and much good may it do 'em.' 'Well,' says I, 'what's
+the reason the banks don't eat us up too, for I guess they are as
+hungry as your'n be, and no way particular about their food neither;
+considerable sharp set--cut like razors, you may depend. I'll tell
+you,' says I, 'how you get that 'ere slide, that sent you heels over
+head--YOU HAD TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE. You hadn't ought to have
+taken hold of ship buildin' at all; you knowed nothin' about it. You
+should have stuck to your farm, and your farm would have stuck to
+you. Now go back, afore you spend your money, go up to Douglas,
+and you'll buy as good a farm for two hundred pounds as what you
+lost, and see to that, and to that only, and you'll grow rich. As
+for banks, they can't hurt a country no great, I guess, except by
+breakin', and I conceit there's no fear of your'n breakin'; and as
+for lawyers, and them kind o' heavy coaches, give 'em half the road,
+and if they run agin you, take the law of 'em. Undivided, unremittin'
+attention paid to one thing, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred,
+will ensure success; but you know the old sayin' about "TOO MANY
+IRONS."
+
+"'Now,' says I, 'Mr. Rigby, what o'clock is it?' 'Why,' says he,
+'the moon is up a piece, I guess it's seven o'clock or thereabouts.
+I suppose it's time to be a-movin'.' 'Stop,' says I, 'jist come with
+me, I got a real nateral curiosity to show you--such a thing as you
+never laid your eyes on in Nova Scotia, I know.' So we walked along
+towards the beach. 'Now,' says I, 'look at that 'ere man, old Lunar,
+and his son, a-sawin' plank by moonlight, for that 'ere vessel on
+the stocks there; come agin tomorrow mornin', afore you can cleverly
+discarn objects the matter of a yard or so afore you, and you'll
+find 'em at it agin. I guess that vessel won't ruinate those folks.
+They know their business and stick to it.' Well, away went Rigby,
+considerably sulky (for he had no notion that it was his own fault,
+he laid all the blame on the folks to Halifax), but I guess he was a
+little grain posed, for back he went, and bought to Sowack, where I
+hear he has a better farm than he had afore.
+
+"I mind once we had an Irish gal as a dairy help; well, we had a
+wicked devil of a cow, and she kicked over the milk pail, and in ran
+Dora, and swore the Bogle did it. Jist so poor Rigby, he wouldn't
+allow it was nateral causes, but laid it all to politics. Talkin'
+of Dora, puts me in mind of the gals, for she warn't a bad-lookin'
+heifer that. My! what an eye she had, and I consaited she had a
+particular small foot and ankle too, when I helped her up once into
+the hay mow, to sarch for eggs; but I can't exactly say, for when she
+brought 'em in, mother shook her head and said it was dangerous; she
+said she might fall through and hurt herself, and always sent old
+Snow afterwards. She was a considerable of a long-headed woman,
+was mother; she could see as far ahead as most folks. She warn't
+born yesterday, I guess. But that 'ere proverb is true as respects
+the gals too. Whenever you see one on 'em with a whole lot of
+sweethearts, it's an even chance if she gets married to any on 'em.
+One cools off, and another cools off, and before she brings any one
+on 'em to the right weldin' heat, the coal is gone and the fire is
+out. Then she may blow and blow till she's tired; she may blow up a
+dust, but the deuce of a flame can she blow up agin, to save her soul
+alive. I never see a clever lookin' gal in danger of that, I don't
+long to whisper in her ear, You dear little critter, you, take care!
+you have too many irons in the fire; some on 'em will get stone cold,
+and t'other ones will get burnt so, they'll never be no good in
+natur'."
+
+
+
+No. XXXIII
+
+Windsor and the Far West.
+
+
+The next morning the Clockmaker proposed to take a drive round the
+neighbourhood. "You hadn't ought," says he, "to be in a hurry; you
+should see the VIcinity of this location; there ain't the beat of
+it to be found anywhere."
+
+While the servants were harnessing Old Clay, we went to see a new
+bridge, which had recently been erected over the Avon River. "That,"
+said he, "is a splendid thing. A New Yorker built it, and the folks
+in St. John paid for it."
+
+"You mean of Halifax," said I; "St. John is in the other province."
+
+"I mean what I say," he replied, "and it is a credit to New
+Brunswick. No, sir, the Halifax folks neither know nor keer much
+about the country--they wouldn't take hold on it, and if they had
+a waited for them, it would have been one while afore they got a
+bridge, I tell you. They've no spirit, and plaguy little sympathy
+with the country, and I'll tell you the reason on it. There are a
+good many people there from other parts, and always have been, who
+come to make money and nothin' else, who don't call it home, and
+don't feel to home, and who intend to up killoch and off, as soon as
+they have made their ned out of the Bluenoses. They have got about
+as much regard for the country as a peddler has, who trudges along
+with a pack on his back. He WALKS, 'cause he intends to RIDE at last;
+TRUSTS, 'cause he intends to SUE at last; SMILES, 'cause he intends
+to CHEAT at last; SAVES ALL, 'cause he intends to MOVE ALL at
+last. It's actilly overrun with transient paupers, and transient
+speculators, and these last grumble and growl like a bear with a sore
+head, the whole blessed time, at everything; and can hardly keep a
+civil tongue in their head, while they're fobbin' your money hand
+over hand. These critters feel no interest in anything but cent per
+cent; they deaden public spirit; they hain't got none themselves,
+and they larf at it in others; and when you add their numbers to the
+timid ones, the stingy ones, the ignorant ones, and the poor ones
+that are to be found in every place, why the few smart-spirited ones
+that's left are too few to do anything, and so nothin' is done. It
+appears to me if I was a Bluenose I'd--but thank fortin' I ain't, so
+I says nothin'; but there is somethin' that ain't altogether jist
+right is this country, that's a fact.
+
+"But what a country this Bay country is, isn't it? Look at that
+medder, bean't it lovely? The prayer-eyes of Illanoy are the top of
+the ladder with us, but these dykes take the shine off them by a
+long chalk, that's sartin. The land in our far west, it is generally
+allowed, can't be no better; what you plant is sure to grow and yield
+well, and food is so cheap you can live there for half nothin'. But
+it don't agree with us New England folks; we don't enjoy good health
+there; and what in the world is the use of food, if you have such an
+etarnal dyspepsy you can't digest it? A man can hardly live there
+till next grass afore he is in the yaller leaf. Just like one of our
+bran' new vessels built down in Maine, of best hackmatack, or what's
+better still, of our real American live oak (and that's allowed to be
+about the best in the world); send her off to the West Indies, and
+let her lie there awhile, and the worms will riddle her bottom all
+full of holes like a tin cullender, or a board with a grist of duck
+shot through it, you wouldn't believe what a BORE they be. Well,
+that's jist the case with the western climate. The heat takes the
+solder out of the knees and elbows, weakens the joints and makes the
+frame ricketty.
+
+"Besides, we like the smell of the salt water; it seems kinder
+nateral to us New Englanders. We can make more a-ploughin' of the
+seas, than ploughin' of a prayer-eye. It would take a bottom near
+about as long as Connecticut river, to raise wheat enough to buy the
+cargo of a Nantucket whaler, or a Salem tea ship. And then to leave
+one's folks, and naTIVE place where one was raised, halter broke,
+and trained to go in gear, and exchange all the comforts of the Old
+States for them are new ones, don't seem to go down well at all. Why
+the very sight of the Yankee gals is good for sore eyes, the dear
+little critters! They do look so scrumptious, I tell you, with their
+cheeks bloomin' like a red rose budded on a white one, and their eyes
+like Mrs. Adams's diamonds (that folks say shine as well in the dark
+as in the light), neck like a swan, lips chock full of kisses--lick!
+It fairly makes one's mouth water to think on 'em. But it's no
+use talkin', they are just made critters that's a fact, full of
+health and life and beauty. Now, to change them 'ere splendid
+white water-lillies of Connecticut and Rhode Island for the
+yaller crocusses of Illanoy, is what we don't like. It goes most
+confoundedly agin the grain, I tell you. Poor critters, when they get
+away back there, they grow as thin as a sawed lath; their little
+peepers are as dull as a boiled codfish; their skin looks like yaller
+fever, and they seem all mouth like a crocodile. And that's not the
+worst of it neither, for when a woman begins to grow saller it's
+all over with her; she's up a tree then you may depend, there's no
+mistake. You can no more bring back her bloom than you can the colour
+to a leaf the frost has touched in the fall. It's gone goose with
+her, that's a fact. And that's not all, for the temper is plaguy apt
+to change with the cheek too. When the freshness of youth is on the
+move, the sweetness of temper is amazin' apt to start along with it.
+A bilious cheek and a sour temper are like the Siamese twins, there's
+a nateral cord of union atween them. The one is a sign board, with
+the name of the firm written on it in big letters. He that don't
+know this, can't read, I guess. It's no use to cry over spilt milk,
+we all know, but it's easier said than done, that. Women kind, and
+especially single folks, will take on dreadful at the fadin' of their
+roses, and their frettin' only seems to make the thorns look sharper.
+Our minister used to say to sister Sall (and when she was young she
+was a real witch, a'most an everlastin' sweet girl), 'Sally,' he used
+to say, 'now's the time to larn when you are young; store your mind
+well, dear, and the fragrance will remain long arter the rose has
+shed its leaves. The otter of roses is stronger than the rose, and a
+plaguy sight more valuable.' Sall wrote it down; she said it warn't
+a bad idee that; but father larfed, he said he guessed minister's
+courtin' days warn't over, when he made such pretty speeches as
+that 'ere to the gals. Now, who would go to expose his wife or his
+darters, or himself, to the dangers of such a climate for the sake of
+thirty bushels of wheat to the acre instead of fifteen? There seems a
+kinder somethin' in us that rises in our throat when we think on it,
+and won't let us. We don't like it. Give me the shore, and let them
+that like the Far West go there, I say.
+
+"This place is as fartile as Illanoy or Ohio, as healthy as any part
+of the Globe, and right along side of the salt water; but the folks
+want three things--INDUSTRY, ENTERPRISE, ECONOMY; these Bluenoses
+don't know how to vally this location; only look at it, and see what
+a place for bisness it is: the centre of the Province; the nateral
+capital of the Basin of Minas, and part of the Bay of Fundy; the
+great thoroughfare to St. John, Canada, and the United States; the
+exports of lime, gypsum, freestone and grindstone; the dykes--but
+it's no use talkin'; I wish we had it, that's all. Our folks are like
+a rock maple tree: stick 'em in anywhere, but eend up and top down,
+and they will take root and grow; but put 'em in a real good soil
+like this, and give 'em a fair chance, and they will go ahead and
+thrive right off, most amazin' fast, that's a fact. Yes, if we had
+it, we would make another guess place of it from what it is. IN ONE
+YEAR WE WOULD HAVE A RAILROAD TO HALIFAX, WHICH, UNLIKE THE STONE
+THAT KILLED TWO BIRDS, WOULD BE THE MAKIN' OF BOTH PLACES. I often
+tell the folks this, but all they can say is, 'Oh, we are too poor
+and too young.' Says I, 'You put me in mind of a great long legged,
+long tailed colt, father had. He never changed his name of colt as
+long as he lived, and he was as old as the hills; and though he had
+the best of feed, was as thin as a whippin' post. He was colt all his
+days--always young--always poor; and young and poor you'll be, I
+guess to the eend of the chapter.'"
+
+On our return to the inn, the weather, which had been threatening
+for some time past, became very tempestuous. It rained for three
+successive days and the roads were almost impassible. To continue my
+journey was wholly out of the question. I determined therefore, to
+take a seat in the coach for Halifax, and defer until next year the
+remaining part of my tour. Mr. Slick agreed to meet me here in June,
+and to provide for me the same conveyance I had used from Amherst.
+I look forward with much pleasure to our meeting again. His manner
+and idiom were to me perfectly new and very amusing; while his good
+sound sense, searching observation, and queer humour, rendered
+his conversation at once valuable and interesting. There are many
+subjects on which I should like to draw him out; and I promise myself
+a fund of amusement in his remarks on the state of society and
+manners at Halifax, and the machinery of the local government, on
+both of which he appears to entertain many original and some very
+just opinions.
+
+As he took leave of me in the coach, he whispered, "Inside of your
+great big cloak you will find wrapped up a box, containin' a thousand
+real genuine first chop Havanas--no mistake--the clear thing. When
+you smoke 'em think sometimes of your old companion, SAM SLICK THE
+CLOCKMAKER."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Clockmaker, by Thomas Chandler Haliburton
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CLOCKMAKER ***
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