From ef1c11d94f620c601bf4dfa5421e10892ae858ff Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Roger Frank Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2025 05:16:05 -0700 Subject: initial commit of ebook 912 --- 912-h/912-h.htm | 4076 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 912-h/images/p509b.jpg | Bin 0 -> 236823 bytes 912-h/images/p509s.jpg | Bin 0 -> 39778 bytes 912-h/images/p539b.jpg | Bin 0 -> 248602 bytes 912-h/images/p539s.jpg | Bin 0 -> 40495 bytes 912-h/images/p544b.jpg | Bin 0 -> 247612 bytes 912-h/images/p544s.jpg | Bin 0 -> 38623 bytes 7 files changed, 4076 insertions(+) create mode 100644 912-h/912-h.htm create mode 100644 912-h/images/p509b.jpg create mode 100644 912-h/images/p509s.jpg create mode 100644 912-h/images/p539b.jpg create mode 100644 912-h/images/p539s.jpg create mode 100644 912-h/images/p544b.jpg create mode 100644 912-h/images/p544s.jpg (limited to '912-h') diff --git a/912-h/912-h.htm b/912-h/912-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..61988d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/912-h/912-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4076 @@ + + + + +The Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles Dickens + + + +

+
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Mudfog and Other Sketches, by Charles
+Dickens, Illustrated by George Cruikshank
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+Title: The Mudfog and Other Sketches
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+
+Author: Charles Dickens
+
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+
+Release Date: February 25, 2015  [eBook #912]
+[This file was first posted on May 19, 1997]
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+Language: English
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+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES***
+

Transcribed from the 1903 Chapman and Hall Sketches by +Boz edition by David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org

THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

+		PAGE +
Public Life of Mr. Tulrumble +		495 +
Full Report of the First Meeting of the Mudfog +Association for the Advancement of Everything +		513 +
+	Section A. Zoology and Botany +	+
+	Section B. Anatomy and Medicine +	+
+	Section C. Statistics +	+
+	Section D. Mechanical Science +	+
Full Report of the Second Meeting of the +Mudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything +		531 +
+	Section A. Zoology and Botany +	+
+	Section B. Display of Models and Mechanical +Science +	+
+	Section C. Anatomy and Medicine +	+
+	Section D. Statistics +	+
+	Supplementary Section, E. Umbugology and +Ditchwaterisics +	+
The Pantomime of Life +		551 +
Some Particulars Concerning a Lion +		558 +
Mr. Robert Bolton +		563 +
Familiar Epistle from a Parent to a Child +		567 +

p. +495PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE
+ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG

Mudfog is a pleasant town—a +remarkably pleasant town—situated in a charming hollow by +the side of a river, from which river, Mudfog derives an +agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-yarn, a roving +population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx of drunken +bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages. There +is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not exactly +the sort of town for a watering-place, either. Water is a +perverse sort of element at the best of times, and in Mudfog it +is particularly so. In winter, it comes oozing down the +streets and tumbling over the fields,—nay, rushes into the +very cellars and kitchens of the houses, with a lavish +prodigality that might well be dispensed with; but in the hot +summer weather it will dry up, and turn green: and, +although green is a very good colour in its way, especially in +grass, still it certainly is not becoming to water; and it cannot +be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is rather impaired, even by +this trifling circumstance. Mudfog is a healthy +place—very healthy;—damp, perhaps, but none the worse +for that. It’s quite a mistake to suppose that damp +is unwholesome: plants thrive best in damp situations, and why +shouldn’t men? The inhabitants of Mudfog are +unanimous in asserting that there exists not a finer race of +people on the face of the earth; here we have an indisputable and +veracious contradiction of the vulgar error at once. So, +admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state that it is +salubrious.

The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque. Limehouse +and Ratcliff Highway are both something like it, but they give +you a very faint idea of Mudfog. There are a great many +more public-houses in Mudfog—more than in Ratcliff Highway +and Limehouse put together. The public buildings, too, are +very imposing. We consider the town-hall one of the finest +specimens of shed architecture, extant: it is a combination of +the pig-sty and tea-garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its +design is of surpassing beauty. The idea of placing a large +window on one side of the door, and a small one on the other, is +particularly happy. There is a fine old Doric beauty, too, +about the padlock and scraper, which is strictly in keeping with +the general effect.

In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble +together in solemn council for the public weal. Seated on +the massive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, +form the only furniture of the whitewashed apartment, the sage +men of Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation. +Here they settle at what hour of the night the public-houses +shall be closed, at what hour of the morning they shall be +permitted to open, how soon it shall be lawful for people to eat +their dinner on church-days, and other great political questions; +and sometimes, long after silence has fallen on the town, and the +distant lights from the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, +like far-off stars, to the sight of the boatmen on the river, the +illumination in the two unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, +warns the inhabitants of Mudfog that its little body of +legislators, like a larger and better-known body of the same +genus, a great deal more noisy, and not a whit more profound, are +patriotically dozing away in company, far into the night, for +their country’s good.

Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so +eminently distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty +of his appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the +well-known coal-dealer. However exciting the subject of +discussion, however animated the tone of the debate, or however +warm the personalities exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get +personal sometimes,) Nicholas Tulrumble was always the +same. To say truth, Nicholas, being an industrious man, and +always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when a debate began, +and to remain asleep till it was over, when he would wake up very +much refreshed, and give his vote with the greatest +complacency. The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble, knowing +that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand, considered +the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at all; and +to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on this point +at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near right.

Time, which strews a man’s head with silver, sometimes +fills his pockets with gold. As he gradually performed one +good office for Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not +to omit the other. Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement +of four feet square, with a capital of two and ninepence, and a +stock in trade of three bushels and a-half of coals, exclusive of +the large lump which hung, by way of sign-board, outside. +Then he enlarged the shed, and kept a truck; then he left the +shed, and the truck too, and started a donkey and a Mrs. +Tulrumble; then he moved again and set up a cart; the cart was +soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon; and so he went on like +his great predecessor Whittington—only without a cat for a +partner—increasing in wealth and fame, until at last he +gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and +family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something +which he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill, +about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog.

About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that +Nicholas Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity +and success had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and +tainted the natural goodness of his heart; in short, that he was +setting up for a public character, and a great gentleman, and +affected to look down upon his old companions with compassion and +contempt. Whether these reports were at the time +well-founded, or not, certain it is that Mrs. Tulrumble very +shortly afterwards started a four-wheel chaise, driven by a tall +postilion in a yellow cap,—that Mr. Tulrumble junior took +to smoking cigars, and calling the footman a +‘feller,’—and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time +forth, was no more seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of +the Lighterman’s Arms at night. This looked bad; but, +more than this, it began to be observed that Mr. Nicholas +Tulrumble attended the corporation meetings more frequently than +heretofore; and he no longer went to sleep as he had done for so +many years, but propped his eyelids open with his two +forefingers; that he read the newspapers by himself at home; and +that he was in the habit of indulging abroad in distant and +mysterious allusions to ‘masses of people,’ and +‘the property of the country,’ and ‘productive +power,’ and ‘the monied interest:’ all of which +denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble was either mad, or +worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfog amazingly.

At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. +Tulrumble and family went up to London; the middle of October +being, as Mrs. Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the +very height of the fashionable season.

Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the +health-preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died. It was a +most extraordinary circumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for +eighty-five years. The corporation didn’t understand +it at all; indeed it was with great difficulty that one old +gentleman, who was a great stickler for forms, was dissuaded from +proposing a vote of censure on such unaccountable conduct. +Strange as it was, however, die he did, without taking the +slightest notice of the corporation; and the corporation were +imperatively called upon to elect his successor. So, they +met for the purpose; and being very full of Nicholas Tulrumble +just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very important man, +they elected him, and wrote off to London by the very next post +to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new elevation.

Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being +in the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord +Mayor’s show and dinner, at sight of the glory and +splendour whereof, he, Mr. Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, +inasmuch as the reflection would force itself on his mind, that, +had he been born in London instead of in Mudfog, he might have +been a Lord Mayor too, and have patronized the judges, and been +affable to the Lord Chancellor, and friendly with the Premier, +and coldly condescending to the Secretary to the Treasury, and +have dined with a flag behind his back, and done a great many +other acts and deeds which unto Lord Mayors of London peculiarly +appertain. The more he thought of the Lord Mayor, the more +enviable a personage he seemed. To be a King was all very +well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor! When the +King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else’s +writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half +an hour-all out of his own head—amidst the enthusiastic +applause of the whole company, while it was notorious that the +King might talk to his parliament till he was black in the face +without getting so much as a single cheer. As all these +reflections passed through the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, +the Lord Mayor of London appeared to him the greatest sovereign +on the face of the earth, beating the Emperor of Russia all to +nothing, and leaving the Great Mogul immeasurably behind.

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and +inwardly cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in +Mudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his +hand. A crimson flush mantled over his face as he read it, +for visions of brightness were already dancing before his +imagination.

‘My dear,’ said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, +‘they have elected me, Mayor of Mudfog.’

‘Lor-a-mussy!’ said Mrs. Tulrumble: ‘why +what’s become of old Sniggs?’

‘The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,’ said Mr. +Tulrumble sharply, for he by no means approved of the notion of +unceremoniously designating a gentleman who filled the high +office of Mayor, as ‘Old Sniggs,’—‘The +late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead.’

The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only +ejaculated ‘Lor-a-mussy!’ once again, as if a Mayor +were a mere ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned +gloomily.

‘What a pity ’tan’t in London, ain’t +it?’ said Mrs. Tulrumble, after a short pause; ‘what +a pity ’tan’t in London, where you might have had a +show.’

‘I might have a show in Mudfog, if I thought +proper, I apprehend,’ said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously.

‘Lor! so you might, I declare,’ replied Mrs. +Tulrumble.

‘And a good one too,’ said Mr. Tulrumble.

‘Delightful!’ exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble.

‘One which would rather astonish the ignorant people +down there,’ said Mr. Tulrumble.

‘It would kill them with envy,’ said Mrs. +Tulrumble.

So it was agreed that his Majesty’s lieges in Mudfog +should be astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, +and that such a show should take place as had never been seen in +that town, or in any other town before,—no, not even in +London itself.

On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down +came the tall postilion in a post-chaise,—not upon one of +the horses, but inside—actually inside the +chaise,—and, driving up to the very door of the town-hall, +where the corporation were assembled, delivered a letter, written +by the Lord knows who, and signed by Nicholas Tulrumble, in which +Nicholas said, all through four sides of closely-written, +gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letter paper, that he +responded to the call of his fellow-townsmen with feelings of +heartfelt delight; that he accepted the arduous office which +their confidence had imposed upon him; that they would never find +him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he would +endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity which +their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to +the same effect. But even this was not all. The tall +postilion produced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of +that afternoon’s number of the county paper; and there, in +large type, running the whole length of the very first column, +was a long address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of +Mudfog, in which he said that he cheerfully complied with their +requisition, and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about +the matter, told them over again what a grand fellow he meant to +be, in very much the same terms as those in which he had already +told them all about the matter in his letter.

The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, +and then looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but +as the tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel +on the top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no +explanation whatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely +disengaged, they contented themselves with coughing very +dubiously, and looking very grave. The tall postilion then +delivered another letter, in which Nicholas Tulrumble informed +the corporation, that he intended repairing to the town-hall, in +grand state and gorgeous procession, on the Monday afternoon next +ensuing. At this the corporation looked still more solemn; +but, as the epistle wound up with a formal invitation to the +whole body to dine with the Mayor on that day, at Mudfog Hall, +Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun of the thing +directly, and sent back their compliments, and they’d be +sure to come.

Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there +does happen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, +and perhaps in foreign dominions too—we think it very +likely, but, being no great traveller, cannot distinctly +say—there happened to be, in Mudfog, a merry-tempered, +pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing sort of vagabond, with an +invincible dislike to manual labour, and an unconquerable +attachment to strong beer and spirits, whom everybody knew, and +nobody, except his wife, took the trouble to quarrel with, who +inherited from his ancestors the appellation of Edward Twigger, +and rejoiced in the sobriquet of Bottle-nosed Ned. +He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an +equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, +he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin +intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of +fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and +could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it. He +was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would +work away at a cricket-match by the day together,—running, +and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil +which would exhaust a galley-slave. He would have been +invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such a natural +taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwing +furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs’ windows: nor was this +the only element in which he was at home; he was a humane society +in himself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had +saved more people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth +life-boat, or Captain Manby’s apparatus. With all +these qualifications, notwithstanding his dissipation, +Bottle-nosed Ned was a general favourite; and the authorities of +Mudfog, remembering his numerous services to the population, +allowed him in return to get drunk in his own way, without the +fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment. He had a general +licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment by making the +most of it.

We have been thus particular in describing the character and +avocations of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to +introduce a fact politely, without hauling it into the +reader’s presence with indecent haste by the head and +shoulders, and brings us very naturally to relate, that on the +very same evening on which Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble and family +returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble’s new secretary, just +imported from London, with a pale face and light whiskers, thrust +his head down to the very bottom of his neckcloth-tie, in at the +tap-room door of the Lighterman’s Arms, and inquiring +whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within, announced himself +as the bearer of a message from Nicholas Tulrumble, Esquire, +requiring Mr. Twigger’s immediate attendance at the hall, +on private and particular business. It being by no means +Mr. Twigger’s interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from +the fireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the +light-whiskered secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog +streets, up to Mudfog Hall, without further ado.

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a +skylight, which he called his library, sketching out a plan of +the procession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the +secretary ushered Ned Twigger.

‘Well, Twigger!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, +condescendingly.

There was a time when Twigger would have replied, ‘Well, +Nick!’ but that was in the days of the truck, and a couple +of years before the donkey; so, he only bowed.

‘I want you to go into training, Twigger,’ said +Mr. Tulrumble.

‘What for, sir?’ inquired Ned, with a stare.

‘Hush, hush, Twigger!’ said the Mayor. +‘Shut the door, Mr. Jennings. Look here, +Twigger.’

As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and +disclosed a complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic +dimensions.

‘I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,’ +said the Mayor.

‘Bless your heart and soul, sir!’ replied Ned, +‘you might as well ask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, +or a cast-iron boiler.’

‘Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!’ said the Mayor.

‘I couldn’t stand under it, sir,’ said +Twigger; ‘it would make mashed potatoes of me, if I +attempted it.’

‘Pooh, pooh, Twigger!’ returned the Mayor. +‘I tell you I have seen it done with my own eyes, in +London, and the man wasn’t half such a man as you are, +either.’

‘I should as soon have thought of a man’s wearing +the case of an eight-day clock to save his linen,’ said +Twigger, casting a look of apprehension at the brass suit.

‘It’s the easiest thing in the world,’ +rejoined the Mayor.

‘It’s nothing,’ said Mr. Jennings.

‘When you’re used to it,’ added Ned.

‘You do it by degrees,’ said the Mayor. +‘You would begin with one piece to-morrow, and two the next +day, and so on, till you had got it all on. Mr. Jennings, +give Twigger a glass of rum. Just try the breast-plate, +Twigger. Stay; take another glass of rum first. Help +me to lift it, Mr. Jennings. Stand firm, Twigger! +There!—it isn’t half as heavy as it looks, is +it?’

Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great +deal of staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the +breastplate, and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of +rum, to walk about in it, and the gauntlets into the +bargain. He made a trial of the helmet, but was not equally +successful, inasmuch as he tipped over instantly,—an +accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly demonstrated to be +occasioned by his not having a counteracting weight of brass on +his legs.

‘Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday +next,’ said Tulrumble, ‘and I’ll make your +fortune.’

‘I’ll try what I can do, sir,’ said +Twigger.

‘It must be kept a profound secret,’ said +Tulrumble.

‘Of course, sir,’ replied Twigger.

‘And you must be sober,’ said Tulrumble; +‘perfectly sober.’ Mr. Twigger at once solemnly +pledged himself to be as sober as a judge, and Nicholas Tulrumble +was satisfied, although, had we been Nicholas, we should +certainly have exacted some promise of a more specific nature; +inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in the evening +more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seen judges +with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs. +However, that’s neither here nor there.

The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, +Ned Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the +sky-light, hard at work at the armour. With every +additional piece he could manage to stand upright in, he had an +additional glass of rum; and at last, after many partial +suffocations, he contrived to get on the whole suit, and to +stagger up and down the room in it, like an intoxicated effigy +from Westminster Abbey.

Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was +woman so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble’s wife. Here +was a sight for the common people of Mudfog! A live man in +brass armour! Why, they would go wild with wonder!

The day—the Monday—arrived.

If the morning had been made to order, it couldn’t have +been better adapted to the purpose. They never showed a +better fog in London on Lord Mayor’s day, than enwrapped +the town of Mudfog on that eventful occasion. It had risen +slowly and surely from the green and stagnant water with the +first light of morning, until it reached a little above the +lamp-post tops; and there it had stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish +obstinacy, which bade defiance to the sun, who had got up very +blood-shot about the eyes, as if he had been at a drinking-party +over-night, and was doing his day’s work with the worst +possible grace. The thick damp mist hung over the town like +a huge gauze curtain. All was dim and dismal. The +church steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below; +and every object of lesser importance—houses, barns, +hedges, trees, and barges—had all taken the veil.

The church-clock struck one. A cracked trumpet from the +front garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if +some asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate +flew open, and out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured +charger, intended to represent a herald, but bearing a much +stronger resemblance to a court-card on horseback. This was +one of the Circus people, who always came down to Mudfog at that +time of the year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble +expressly for the occasion. There was the horse, whisking +his tail about, balancing himself on his hind-legs, and +flourishing away with his fore-feet, in a manner which would have +gone to the hearts and souls of any reasonable crowd. But a +Mudfog crowd never was a reasonable one, and in all probability +never will be. Instead of scattering the very fog with +their shouts, as they ought most indubitably to have done, and +were fully intended to do, by Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner +recognized the herald, than they began to growl forth the most +unqualified disapprobation at the bare notion of his riding like +any other man. If he had come out on his head indeed, or +jumping through a hoop, or flying through a red-hot drum, or even +standing on one leg with his other foot in his mouth, they might +have had something to say to him; but for a professional +gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet in the +stirrups, was rather too good a joke. So, the herald was a +decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he +pranced ingloriously away.

On the procession came. We are afraid to say how many +supernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and black velvet +caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base imitations +of running-footmen, or how many banners, which, owing to the +heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on to +display their inscriptions: still less do we feel disposed to +relate how the men who played the wind instruments, looking up +into the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked +through pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the +powdered heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, +that looked curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ +performer put on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the +band played another; or how the horses, being used to the arena, +and not to the streets, would stand still and dance, instead of +going on and prancing;—all of which are matters which might +be dilated upon to great advantage, but which we have not the +least intention of dilating upon, notwithstanding.

Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation +in glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of +Nicholas Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of +mourning, and to watch the attempts the corporation made to look +great and solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the +four-wheel chaise, with the tall postilion, rolled out after +them, with Mr. Jennings on one side to look like a chaplain, and +a supernumerary on the other, with an old life-guardsman’s +sabre, to imitate the sword-bearer; and to see the tears rolling +down the faces of the mob as they screamed with merriment. +This was beautiful! and so was the appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble +and son, as they bowed with grave dignity out of their +coach-window to all the dirty faces that were laughing around +them: but it is not even with this that we have to do, but with +the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast of the +trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued, and +all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident +anticipation of some new wonder.

‘They won’t laugh now, Mr. Jennings,’ said +Nicholas Tulrumble.

‘I think not, sir,’ said Mr. Jennings.

‘See how eager they look,’ said Nicholas +Tulrumble. ‘Aha! the laugh will be on our side now; +eh, Mr. Jennings?’

‘No doubt of that, sir,’ replied Mr. Jennings; and +Nicholas Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood +up in the four-wheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the +Mayoress behind.

While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended +into the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the +servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst +upon the town; and, somehow or other, the footman was so +companionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so +friendly, that he could not resist the offer of the +first-mentioned to sit down and take something—just to +drink success to master in.

So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the +top of the kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid +for by the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the +companionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and his +procession; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the +something strong, the companionable footman put it on his own +head, to the immeasurable and unrecordable delight of the cook +and housemaid. The companionable footman was very facetious +to Ned, and Ned was very gallant to the cook and housemaid by +turns. They were all very cosy and comfortable; and the +something strong went briskly round.

At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession +people: and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very +complicated manner, by the companionable footman, and the kind +housemaid, and the friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, and +appeared before the multitude.

The crowd roared—it was not with wonder, it was not with +surprise; it was most decidedly and unquestionably with +laughter.

‘What!’ said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the +four-wheel chaise. ‘Laughing? If they laugh at +a man in real brass armour, they’d laugh when their own +fathers were dying. Why doesn’t he go into his place, +Mr. Jennings? What’s he rolling down towards us for? +he has no business here!’

‘I am afraid, sir—’ faltered Mr. +Jennings.

‘Afraid of what, sir?’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, +looking up into the secretary’s face.

‘I am afraid he’s drunk, sir,’ replied Mr. +Jennings.

Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure +that was bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary +by the arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit.

It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence +to demand a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece +of the armour, got, by some means or other, rather out of his +calculation in the hurry and confusion of preparation, and drank +about four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention the +something strong which went on the top of it. Whether the +brass armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus +prevented the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific +enough to know; but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no +sooner found himself outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he +also found himself in a very considerable state of intoxication; +and hence his extraordinary style of progressing. This was +bad enough, but, as if fate and fortune had conspired against +Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr. Twigger, not having been penitent for a +good calendar month, took it into his head to be most especially +and particularly sentimental, just when his repentance could have +been most conveniently dispensed with. Immense tears were +rolling down his cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to +conceal his grief by applying to his eyes a blue cotton +pocket-handkerchief with white spots,—an article not +strictly in keeping with a suit of armour some three hundred +years old, or thereabouts.

‘Twigger, you villain!’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, +quite forgetting his dignity, ‘go back.’

‘Never,’ said Ned. ‘I’m a +miserable wretch. I’ll never leave you.’

The by-standers of course received this declaration with +acclamations of ‘That’s right, Ned; +don’t!’

‘I don’t intend it,’ said Ned, with all the +obstinacy of a very tipsy man. ‘I’m very +unhappy. I’m the wretched father of an unfortunate +family; but I am very faithful, sir. I’ll never leave +you.’ Having reiterated this obliging promise, Ned +proceeded in broken words to harangue the crowd upon the number +of years he had lived in Mudfog, the excessive respectability of +his character, and other topics of the like nature.

‘Here! will anybody lead him away?’ said Nicholas: +‘if they’ll call on me afterwards, I’ll reward +them well.’

Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned +off, when the secretary interposed.

+ + +

‘Take care! take care!’ said Mr. Jennings. +‘I beg your pardon, sir; but they’d better not go too +near him, because, if he falls over, he’ll certainly crush +somebody.’

At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very +respectful distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, +in a little circle of his own.

‘But, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas Tulrumble, +‘he’ll be suffocated.’

‘I’m very sorry for it, sir,’ replied Mr. +Jennings; ‘but nobody can get that armour off, without his +own assistance. I’m quite certain of it from the way +he put it on.’

Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a +manner that might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd +had not hearts of stone, and they laughed heartily.

‘Dear me, Mr. Jennings,’ said Nicholas, turning +pale at the possibility of Ned’s being smothered in his +antique costume—‘Dear me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing +be done with him?’

‘Nothing at all,’ replied Ned, ‘nothing at +all. Gentlemen, I’m an unhappy wretch. +I’m a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin.’ At +this poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much +that the people began to get sympathetic, and to ask what +Nicholas Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine as +that; and one individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a +trunk, who had previously expressed his opinion that if Ned +hadn’t been a poor man, Nicholas wouldn’t have dared +do it, hinted at the propriety of breaking the four-wheel chaise, +or Nicholas’s head, or both, which last compound +proposition the crowd seemed to consider a very good notion.

It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been +broached, when Ned Twigger’s wife made her appearance +abruptly in the little circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner +caught a glimpse of her face and form, than from the mere force +of habit he set off towards his home just as fast as his legs +could carry him; and that was not very quick in the present +instance either, for, however ready they might have been to carry +him, they couldn’t get on very well under the brass +armour. So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce +Nicholas Tulrumble to his face: to express her opinion that he +was a decided monster; and to intimate that, if her ill-used +husband sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she +would have the law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter. +When she had said all this with due vehemence, she posted after +Ned, who was dragging himself along as best he could, and +deploring his unhappiness in most dismal tones.

What a wailing and screaming Ned’s children raised when +he got home at last! Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, +first in one place, and then in another, but she couldn’t +manage it; so she tumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, +gauntlets, and all. Such a creaking as the bedstead made, +under Ned’s weight in his new suit! It didn’t +break down though; and there Ned lay, like the anonymous vessel +in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking barley-water, and +looking miserable: and every time he groaned, his good lady said +it served him right, which was all the consolation Ned Twigger +got.

Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on +together to the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the +spectators, who had suddenly taken it into their heads to +consider poor Ned a martyr. Nicholas was formally installed +in his new office, in acknowledgment of which ceremony he +delivered himself of a speech, composed by the secretary, which +was very long, and no doubt very good, only the noise of the +people outside prevented anybody from hearing it, but Nicholas +Tulrumble himself. After which, the procession got back to +Mudfog Hall any how it could; and Nicholas and the corporation +sat down to dinner.

But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed. +They were such dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation. +Nicholas made quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London +had done, nay, he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor +of London had said, and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave +him. There was only one man in the party who was thoroughly +awake; and he was insolent, and called him Nick. +Nick! What would be the consequence, thought Nicholas, of +anybody presuming to call the Lord Mayor of London +‘Nick!’ He should like to know what the +sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the +toast-master, or any other of the great officers of the +city. They’d nick him.

But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble’s +doings. If they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to +this day, and have talked till he lost his voice. He +contracted a relish for statistics, and got philosophical; and +the statistics and the philosophy together, led him into an act +which increased his unpopularity and hastened his downfall.

At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the +river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned +low-roofed, bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room +all in one, and a large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, +round which the working men have congregated time out of mind on +a winter’s night, refreshed by draughts of good strong +beer, and cheered by the sounds of a fiddle and tambourine: the +Jolly Boatmen having been duly licensed by the Mayor and +corporation, to scrape the fiddle and thumb the tambourine from +time, whereof the memory of the oldest inhabitants goeth not to +the contrary. Now Nicholas Tulrumble had been reading +pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary reports,—or had made +the secretary read them to him, which is the same thing in +effect,—and he at once perceived that this fiddle and +tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any +other operating causes that ingenuity could imagine. So he +read up for the subject, and determined to come out on the +corporation with a burst, the very next time the licence was +applied for.

The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the +Jolly Boatmen walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need +be, having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, to +commemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen’s music +licence. It was applied for in due form, and was just about +to be granted as a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas +Tulrumble, and drowned the astonished corporation in a torrent of +eloquence. He descanted in glowing terms upon the +increasing depravity of his native town of Mudfog, and the +excesses committed by its population. Then, he related how +shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer sliding down into the +cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; and how he had sat +at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days together, to +count the people who went in for beer between the hours of twelve +and one o’clock alone—which, by-the-bye, was the time +at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined. +Then, he went on to state, how the number of people who came out +with beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, being +multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people with +beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number +of hours during which the house was open daily) yielded three +thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, +or twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with +beer-jugs, per week. Then he proceeded to show that a +tambourine and moral degradation were synonymous terms, and a +fiddle and vicious propensities wholly inseparable. All +these arguments he strengthened and demonstrated by frequent +references to a large book with a blue cover, and sundry +quotations from the Middlesex magistrates; and in the end, the +corporation, who were posed with the figures, and sleepy with the +speech, and sadly in want of dinner into the bargain, yielded the +palm to Nicholas Tulrumble, and refused the music licence to the +Jolly Boatmen.

But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short. +He carried on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting +the time when he was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance +to the other, till the people hated, and his old friends shunned +him. He grew tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog +Hall, and his heart yearned towards the Lighterman’s +Arms. He wished he had never set up as a public man, and +sighed for the good old times of the coal-shop, and the chimney +corner.

At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart +of grace, paid the secretary a quarter’s wages in advance, +and packed him off to London by the next coach. Having +taken this step, he put his hat on his head, and his pride in his +pocket, and walked down to the old room at the Lighterman’s +Arms. There were only two of the old fellows there, and +they looked coldly on Nicholas as he proffered his hand.

‘Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?’ +said one.

‘Or trace the progress of crime to ’bacca?’ +growled another.

‘Neither,’ replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking +hands with them both, whether they would or not. +‘I’ve come down to say that I’m very sorry for +having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you’ll give +me up the old chair, again.’

The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old +fellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his +eyes, thrust out his hand too, and told the same story. +They raised a shout of joy, that made the bells in the ancient +church-tower vibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the +warm corner, thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the +very largest-sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of +pipes, directly.

The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next +night, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger’s wife led off a dance +to the music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which +seemed mightily improved by a little rest, for they never had +played so merrily before. Ned Twigger was in the very +height of his glory, and he danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs +on his chin, and straws on his nose, till the whole company, +including the corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the +brilliancy of his acquirements.

Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn’t make up his mind to be +anything but magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills +on his father; and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he +grew penitent, and came home again.

As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks +of public life, never tried it any more. He went to sleep +in the town-hall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of +his sincerity, has requested us to write this faithful +narrative. We wish it could have the effect of reminding +the Tulrumbles of another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not +dignity, and that snarling at the little pleasures they were once +glad to enjoy, because they would rather forget the times when +they were of lower station, renders them objects of contempt and +ridicule.

This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings +from this particular source. Perhaps, at some future +period, we may venture to open the chronicles of Mudfog.

p. 513FULL +REPORT OF THE
+FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG
+ASSOCIATION
+FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

We have made the most unparalleled +and extraordinary exertions to place before our readers a +complete and accurate account of the proceedings at the late +grand meeting of the Mudfog Association, holden in the town of +Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before +them, in the shape of various communications received from our +able, talented, and graphic correspondent, expressly sent down +for the purpose, who has immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and +the association, all at one and the same time. We have +been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who will transmit +the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our +correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of +the matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent +something to write about. We rather incline to the opinion +that we are the greatest man of the party, inasmuch as the notion +of an exclusive and authentic report originated with us; this may +be prejudice: it may arise from a prepossession on our part in +our own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt that every +gentleman concerned in this mighty assemblage is troubled with +the same complaint in a greater or less degree; and it is a +consolation to us to know that we have at least this feeling in +common with the great scientific stars, the brilliant and +extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations we record.

We give our correspondent’s letters in the order in +which they reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them +into one beautiful whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, +that dash of wildness, and rich vein of picturesque interest, +which pervade them throughout.

‘Mudfog, Monday +night, seven o’clock.

‘We are in a state of great +excitement here. Nothing is spoken of, but the approaching +meeting of the association. The inn-doors are thronged with +waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals; and the +numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of private +houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, give the +streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being +of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printed +inscriptions being relieved by every possible size and style of +hand-writing. It is confidently rumoured that Professors +Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a +sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I give you the +rumour as it has reached me; but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its +accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to obtain any +certain information upon this interesting point, you may depend +upon receiving it.’

‘Half-past seven.

I have just returned from a +personal interview with the landlord of the Pig and +Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability of +Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at +his house during the sitting of the association, but denies that +the beds have been yet engaged; in which representation he is +confirmed by the chambermaid—a girl of artless manners, and +interesting appearance. The boots denies that it is at all +likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put up here; +but I have reason to believe that this man has been suborned by +the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition +hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to +arrive at the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving +authentic information upon this point the moment the fact is +ascertained. The excitement still continues. A boy +fell through the window of the pastrycook’s shop at the +corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which has +occasioned much confusion. The general impression is, that +it was an accident. Pray heaven it may prove so!’

‘Tuesday, +noon.

‘At an early hour this +morning the bells of all the churches struck seven o’clock; +the effect of which, in the present lively state of the town, was +extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a yellow gig, +drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right +eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the +Original Pig stables; it is currently reported that this +gentleman has arrived here for the purpose of attending the +association, and, from what I have heard, I consider it extremely +probable, although nothing decisive is yet known regarding +him. You may conceive the anxiety with which we are all +looking forward to the arrival of the four o’clock coach +this afternoon.

‘Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no +outrage has yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline +and discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A +barrel-organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of people, +offering fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets. +With these exceptions everything is quiet, and I trust will +continue so.’

‘Five +o’clock.

‘It is now ascertained, +beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will +not repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but have actually +engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence +is exclusive; and I leave you and your readers to draw +their own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all +people in the world, should repair to the Original Pig in +preference to the Pig and Tinder-box, it is not easy to +conceive. The professor is a man who should be above all +such petty feelings. Some people here openly impute +treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore and +Doze; while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of any +culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame +rests solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to +the latter opinion; and although it gives me great pain to speak +in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of such +transcendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound to say +that, if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports +which have reached my ears be true, I really do not well know +what to make of the matter.

‘Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, +arrived this afternoon by the four o’clock stage. His +complexion is a dark purple, and he has a habit of sighing +constantly. He looked extremely well, and appeared in high +health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconce also came down in the +same conveyance. The distinguished gentleman was fast +asleep on his arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had +been so the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his +approaching fatigues; but what gigantic visions must those be +that flit through the brain of such a man when his body is in a +state of torpidity!

‘The influx of visitors increases every moment. I +am told (I know not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived +at the Original Pig within the last half-hour, and I myself +observed a wheelbarrow, containing three carpet bags and a +bundle, entering the yard of the Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago +than five minutes since. The people are still quietly +pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there is a wildness in +their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their +countenances, which shows to the observant spectator that their +expectations are strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, +unless some very extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that +consequences may arise from this popular ferment, which every man +of sense and feeling would deplore.’

‘Twenty minutes past +six.

‘I have just heard that the +boy who fell through the pastrycook’s window last night has +died of the fright. He was suddenly called upon to pay +three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it +seems, was not strong enough to bear up against the shock. +The inquest, it is said, will be held to-morrow.’

‘Three-quarters part +seven.

‘Professors Muff and Nogo +have just driven up to the hotel door; they at once ordered +dinner with great condescension. We are all very much +delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with +which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of +ordinary life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for +the head waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live +dog,—as cheap a one as he could meet with,—and to +send him up after dinner, with a pie-board, a knife and fork, and +a clean plate. It is conjectured that some experiments will +be tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars should +transpire, I will forward them by express.’

‘Half-past eight.

‘The animal has been +procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather intelligent +appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. He +has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is howling +dreadfully.’

‘Ten minutes to +nine.

‘The dog has just been rung +for. With an instinct which would appear almost the result +of reason, the sagacious animal seized the waiter by the calf of +the leg when he approached to take him, and made a desperate, +though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able to +procure admission to the apartment occupied by the scientific +gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my ears +when I stood upon the landing-place outside the door, just now, I +should be disposed to say that the dog had retreated growling +beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the professors +at bay. This conjecture is confirmed by the testimony of +the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me +that he distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth +a small bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was +crouched beneath an arm-chair, obstinately declined to +smell. You cannot imagine the feverish state of irritation +we are in, lest the interests of science should be sacrificed to +the prejudices of a brute creature, who is not endowed with +sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits which the +whole human race may derive from so very slight a concession on +his part.’

‘Nine +o’clock.

‘The dog’s tail and +ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed; from which +circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. His +forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which +strengthens the supposition.’

‘Half after ten.

‘My feelings are so +overpowered by what has taken place in the course of the last +hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength to detail the +rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered all those +who are cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the +pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously +obtained,—stolen, in fact,—by some person attached to +the stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in this +town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the +lady rushed distractedly into the street, calling in the most +heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore +her, her Augustus,—for so the deceased was named, in +affectionate remembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to +whom he bore a striking personal resemblance, which renders the +circumstances additionally affecting. I am not yet in a +condition to inform you what circumstance induced the bereaved +lady to direct her steps to the hotel which had witnessed the +last struggles of her protégé. I can +only state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his +detached members were passing through the passage on a small +tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I +grieve to say that the expressive features of Professor Muff were +much scratched and lacerated by the injured lady; and that +Professor Nogo, besides sustaining several severe bites, has lost +some handfuls of hair from the same cause. It must be some +consolation to these gentlemen to know that their ardent +attachment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned these +unpleasant consequences; for which the sympathy of a grateful +country will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady +remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, and up to this time is +reported in a very precarious state.

‘I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for +catastrophe has cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our +exhilaration; natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, +by the amiable qualities of the deceased animal, who appears to +have been much and deservedly respected by the whole of his +acquaintance.’

‘Twelve +o’clock.

‘I take the last opportunity +before sealing my parcel to inform you that the boy who fell +through the pastrycook’s window is not dead, as was +universally believed, but alive and well. The report +appears to have had its origin in his mysterious +disappearance. He was found half an hour since on the +premises of a sweet-stuff maker, where a raffle had been +announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine; and +where—a sufficient number of members not having been +obtained at first—he had patiently waited until the list +was completed. This fortunate discovery has in some degree +restored our gaiety and cheerfulness. It is proposed to get +up a subscription for him without delay.

‘Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow +will bring forth. If any one should arrive in the course of +the night, I have left strict directions to be called +immediately. I should have sat up, indeed, but the +agitating events of this day have been too much for me.

‘No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or +Wheezy. It is very strange!’

‘Wednesday +afternoon.

‘All is now over; and, upon +one point at least, I am at length enabled to set the minds of +your readers at rest. The three professors arrived at ten +minutes after two o’clock, and, instead of taking up their +quarters at the Original Pig, as it was universally understood in +the course of yesterday that they would assuredly have done, +drove straight to the Pig and Tinder-box, where they threw off +the mask at once, and openly announced their intention of +remaining. Professor Wheezy may reconcile this very +extraordinary conduct with his notions of fair and +equitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be +cautious how he presumes too far upon his well-earned +reputation. How such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is +still more extraordinary, such an individual as Professor Doze, +can quietly allow himself to be mixed up with such proceedings as +these, you will naturally inquire. Upon this head, rumour +is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear to give utterance +to them just now.’

‘Four +o’clock.

‘The town is filling fast; +eighteenpence has been offered for a bed and refused. +Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night of sleeping +in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for which they +were taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, and +committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of +these persons I understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of +great practical skill, who had forwarded a paper to the President +of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins +with copper bottoms and safety-values, of which report speaks +highly. The incarceration of this gentleman is greatly to +be regretted, as his absence will preclude any discussion on the +subject.

‘The bills are being taken down in all directions, and +lodgings are being secured on almost any terms. I have +heard of fifteen shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of +coals and attendance, but I can scarcely believe it. The +excitement is dreadful. I was informed this morning that +the civil authorities, apprehensive of some outbreak of popular +feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals to +be under arms; and that, with the view of not irritating the +people unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested +to take up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant +about a quarter of a mile from the town. The vigour and +promptness of these measures cannot be too highly extolled.

‘Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly +female, in a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street +her intention to “do” for Mr. Slug. Some +statistical returns compiled by that gentleman, relative to the +consumption of raw spirituous liquors in this place, are supposed +to be the cause of the wretch’s animosity. It is +added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of +persons who had assembled on the spot; and that one man had the +boldness to designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet +of “Stick-in-the-mud!” It is earnestly to be +hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for their +interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise +of that power which is vested in them by the constitution of our +common country.’

‘Half-past ten.

‘The disturbance, I am happy +to inform you, has been completely quelled, and the ringleader +taken into custody. She had a pail of cold water thrown +over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great +contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of +anticipation about to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few +hours of the meeting of the association, and at last enjoy the +proud consciousness of having its illustrious members amongst us, +I trust and hope everything may go off peaceably. I shall +send you a full report of to-morrow’s proceedings by the +night coach.’

‘Eleven +o’clock.

‘I open my letter to say that +nothing whatever has occurred since I folded it up.’

‘Thursday.

‘The sun rose this morning at +the usual hour. I did not observe anything particular in +the aspect of the glorious planet, except that he appeared to me +(it might have been a delusion of my heightened fancy) to shine +with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent lustre +upon the town, such as I had never observed before. This is +the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and +the atmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nine +o’clock the general committee assembled, with the last +year’s president in the chair. The report of the +council was read; and one passage, which stated that the council +had corresponded with no less than three thousand five hundred +and seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) on +no fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three topics, +was received with a degree of enthusiasm which no efforts could +suppress. The various committees and sections having been +appointed, and the more formal business transacted, the great +proceedings of the meeting commenced at eleven o’clock +precisely. I had the happiness of occupying a most eligible +position at that time, in

‘Section A.—Zoology and Botany.

GREAT ROOM, +PIG AND TINDER-BOX.

President—Professor +Snore. Vice-Presidents—Professors Doze and +Wheezy.

‘The scene at this moment was particularly +striking. The sun streamed through the windows of the +apartments, and tinted the whole scene with its brilliant rays, +bringing out in strong relief the noble visages of the professors +and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some with +red heads, some with brown heads, some with grey heads, some with +black heads, some with block heads, presented a coup +d’œil which no eye-witness will readily +forget. In front of these gentlemen were papers and +inkstands; and round the room, on elevated benches extending as +far as the forms could reach, were assembled a brilliant +concourse of those lovely and elegant women for which Mudfog is +justly acknowledged to be without a rival in the whole +world. The contrast between their fair faces and the dark +coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall never +cease to remember while Memory holds her seat.

‘Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, +occasioned by the falling down of the greater part of the +platforms, to subside, the president called on one of the +secretaries to read a communication entitled, “Some remarks +on the industrious fleas, with considerations on the importance +of establishing infant-schools among that numerous class of +society; of directing their industry to useful and practical +ends; and of applying the surplus fruits thereof, towards +providing for them a comfortable and respectable maintenance in +their old age.”

‘The author stated, that, having long turned his +attention to the moral and social condition of these interesting +animals, he had been induced to visit an exhibition in +Regent-street, London, commonly known by the designation of +“The Industrious Fleas.” He had there seen many +fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuits and avocations, but +occupied, he was bound to add, in a manner which no man of +well-regulated mind could fail to regard with sorrow and +regret. One flea, reduced to the level of a beast of +burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a +particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington; +while another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model +of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up +as mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance +(he regretted to observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several +were females); others were in training, in a small card-board +box, for pedestrians,—mere sporting characters—and +two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous +occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity recoiled +with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should +be immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part +and parcel of the productive power of the country, which might +easily be done by the establishment among them of infant schools +and houses of industry, in which a system of virtuous education, +based upon sound principles, should be observed, and moral +precepts strictly inculcated. He proposed that every flea +who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, or any +species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should be +considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect +he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind. +He would further suggest that their labour should be placed under +the control and regulation of the state, who should set apart +from the profits, a fund for the support of superannuated or +disabled fleas, their widows and orphans. With this view, +he proposed that liberal premiums should be offered for the three +best designs for a general almshouse; from which—as insect +architecture was well known to be in a very advanced and perfect +state—we might possibly derive many valuable hints for the +improvement of our metropolitan universities, national galleries, +and other public edifices.

‘The President wished to be +informed how the ingenious gentleman proposed to open a +communication with fleas generally, in the first instance, so +that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the +advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their mode +of life, and applying themselves to honest labour. This +appeared to him, the only difficulty.

‘The Author submitted that +this difficulty was easily overcome, or rather that there was no +difficulty at all in the case. Obviously the course to be +pursued, if Her Majesty’s government could be prevailed +upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative +salary the individual to whom he had alluded as presiding over +the exhibition in Regent-street at the period of his visit. +That gentleman would at once be able to put himself in +communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them in +pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by +Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them +were advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest.

‘The President and several members of the section highly +complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most +ingenious and important treatise. It was determined that +the subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration +of the council.

‘Mr. Wigsby produced a +cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise-umbrella, which had +been raised by no other artificial means than the simple +application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure. He +explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a new +and delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, +in principle something similar to that constructed by M. +Garnerin, was at once obtained; the stalk of course being kept +downwards. He added that he was perfectly willing to make a +descent from a height of not less than three miles and a quarter; +and had in fact already proposed the same to the proprietors of +Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest manner at once consented +to his wishes, and appointed an early day next summer for the +undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower +should be previously broken in three or four places to ensure the +safety of the descent.

‘The President congratulated +the public on the grand gala in store for them, and warmly +eulogised the proprietors of the establishment alluded to, for +their love of science, and regard for the safety of human life, +both of which did them the highest honour.

‘A Member wished to know how many thousand additional +lamps the royal property would be illuminated with, on the night +after the descent.

‘Mr. Wigsby replied that the +point was not yet finally decided; but he believed it was +proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations, to exhibit +in various devices eight millions and a-half of additional +lamps.

‘The Member expressed himself much gratified with this +announcement.

‘Mr. Blunderum delighted the +section with a most interesting and valuable paper “on the +last moments of the learned pig,” which produced a very +strong impression on the assembly, the account being compiled +from the personal recollections of his favourite attendant. +The account stated in the most emphatic terms that the +animal’s name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly +proved that he could have no near relatives in the profession, as +many designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his +father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to +the butcher at different times. An uncle of his indeed, had +with very great labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but +as he was in a very infirm state at the time, being afflicted +with measles, and shortly afterwards disappeared, there appeared +too much reason to conjecture that he had been converted into +sausages. The disorder of the learned pig was originally a +severe cold, which, being aggravated by excessive trough +indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated in a +general decay of the constitution. A melancholy instance of +a presentiment entertained by the animal of his approaching +dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a numerous and +fashionable company with his performances, in which no falling +off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the biographer, +and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, and on which he +was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed his +snout twice round the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty +hours from that time he had ceased to exist!

‘Professor Wheezy inquired +whether, previous to his demise, the animal had expressed, by +signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding the disposal of his +little property.

‘Mr. Blunderum replied, that, +when the biographer took up the pack of cards at the conclusion +of the performance, the animal grunted several times in a +significant manner, and nodding his head as he was accustomed to +do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood +that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he had ever +since done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his +watch, which had accordingly been pawned by the same +individual.

‘The President wished to know +whether any Member of the section had ever seen or conversed with +the pig-faced lady, who was reported to have worn a black velvet +mask, and to have taken her meals from a golden trough.

‘After some hesitation a Member replied that the +pig-faced lady was his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the +President would not violate the sanctity of private life.

‘The President begged +pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady a public +character. Would the honourable member object to state, +with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any +way connected with the learned pig?

‘The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the +question appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig +might be his half-brother, he must decline answering it.

‘Section B.—Anatomy and Medicine.

COACH-HOUSE, +PIG AND TINDER-BOX.

President—Dr. +Toorell. Vice-Presidents—Professors Muff and +Nogo.

‘Dr. Kutankumagen (of Moscow) +read to the section a report of a case which had occurred within +his own practice, strikingly illustrative of the power of +medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment of a +virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the +patient on the 1st of April, 1837. He was then labouring +under symptoms peculiarly alarming to any medical man. His +frame was stout and muscular, his step firm and elastic, his +cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his +pulse full and round. He was in the constant habit of +eating three meals per diem, and of drinking at least one +bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors diluted with +water, in the course of the four-and-twenty hours. He +laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was +terrible to hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low +diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days +perceptibly decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same +course of treatment for only one week, accompanied with small +doses of water-gruel, weak broth, and barley-water, led to their +entire disappearance. In the course of a month he was +sufficiently recovered to be carried down-stairs by two nurses, +and to enjoy an airing in a close carriage, supported by soft +pillows. At the present moment he was restored so far as to +walk about, with the slight assistance of a crutch and a +boy. It would perhaps be gratifying to the section to learn +that he ate little, drank little, slept little, and was never +heard to laugh by any accident whatever.

‘Dr. W. R. Fee, in complimenting the honourable member +upon the triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether +the patient still bled freely?

‘Dr. Kutankumagen replied in +the affirmative.

‘Dr. W. R. Fee.—And you found that he bled freely +during the whole course of the disorder?

‘Dr. Kutankumagen.—Oh +dear, yes; most freely.

‘Dr. Neeshawts supposed, that +if the patient had not submitted to be bled with great readiness +and perseverance, so extraordinary a cure could never, in fact, +have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, +certainly not.

‘Mr. Knight Bell (M.R.C.S.) +exhibited a wax preparation of the interior of a gentleman who in +early life had inadvertently swallowed a door-key. It was a +curious fact that a medical student of dissipated habits, being +present at the post mortem examination, found means to +escape unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats +of the stomach upon which an exact model of the instrument was +distinctly impressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of +doubtful character, who made a new key from the pattern so shown +to him. With this key the medical student entered the house +of the deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to a large +amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed.

‘The President wished to know +what became of the original key after the lapse of years. +Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was always much +accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had gradually +devoured it.

‘Dr. Neeshawts and several of +the members were of opinion that the key must have lain very cold +and heavy upon the gentleman’s stomach.

‘Mr. Knight Bell believed it +did at first. It was worthy of remark, perhaps, that for +some years the gentleman was troubled with a night-mare, under +the influence of which he always imagined himself a wine-cellar +door.

‘Professor Muff related a +very extraordinary and convincing proof of the wonderful efficacy +of the system of infinitesimal doses, which the section were +doubtless aware was based upon the theory that the very minutest +amount of any given drug, properly dispersed through the human +frame, would be productive of precisely the same result as a very +large dose administered in the usual manner. Thus, the +fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a +five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the +whole range of medicine. He had tried the experiment in a +curious manner upon a publican who had been brought into the +hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal +system in the incredibly short space of three months. This +man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed +three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the +man to drink the whole. What was the result? Before +he had drunk a quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; +and five other men were made dead drunk with the remainder.

‘The President wished to know +whether an infinitesimal dose of soda-water would have recovered +them? Professor Muff replied that the twenty-fifth part of +a teaspoonful, properly administered to each patient, would have +sobered him immediately. The President remarked that this +was a most important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and +Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.

‘A Member begged to be informed whether it would be +possible to administer—say, the twentieth part of a grain +of bread and cheese to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth +part to children, with the same satisfying effect as their +present allowance.

‘Professor Muff was willing +to stake his professional reputation on the perfect adequacy of +such a quantity of food to the support of human life—in +workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a grain of +pudding twice a week would render it a high diet.

‘Professor Nogo called the +attention of the section to a very extraordinary case of animal +magnetism. A private watchman, being merely looked at by +the operator from the opposite side of a wide street, was at once +observed to be in a very drowsy and languid state. He was +followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed on the palms +of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued +without intermission for ten hours.

‘Section C.—Statistics.

HAY-LOFT, +ORIGINAL PIG.

President—Mr. +Woodensconce. Vice-Presidents—Mr. Ledbrain and +Mr. Timbered.

‘Mr. Slug stated to the +section the result of some calculations he had made with great +difficulty and labour, regarding the state of infant education +among the middle classes of London. He found that, within a +circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle, the following +were the names and numbers of children’s books principally +in circulation:—

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

‘Jack the Giant-killer +	7,943 +
Ditto and Bean-stalk +	8,621 +
Ditto and Eleven Brothers +	2,845 +
Ditto and Jill +	1,998 +
Total +	21,407 +

‘He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to +Philip Quarlls was as four and a half to one; and that the +preponderance of Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was +as three and an eighth of the former to half a one of the latter; +a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same +result. The ignorance that prevailed, was lamentable. +One child, on being asked whether he would rather be Saint George +of England or a respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, +“Taint George of Ingling.” Another, a little +boy of eight years old, was found to be firmly impressed with a +belief in the existence of dragons, and openly stated that it was +his intention when he grew up, to rush forth sword in hand for +the deliverance of captive princesses, and the promiscuous +slaughter of giants. Not one child among the number +interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park,—some inquiring +whether he was at all connected with the black man that swept the +crossing; and others whether he was in any way related to the +Regent’s Park. They had not the slightest conception +of the commonest principles of mathematics, and considered +Sindbad the Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the world +had ever produced.

‘A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other +books mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be +exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and +heroine, in the very outset of the tale, were depicted as going +up a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious +and useful occupation,—supposing the family linen was being +washed, for instance.

‘Mr. Slug feared that the +moral effect of this passage was more than counterbalanced by +another in a subsequent part of the poem, in which very gross +allusion was made to the mode in which the heroine was personally +chastised by her mother

“‘For +laughing at Jack’s disaster;”
+

besides, the whole work had this one great fault, it was +not true.

‘The President complimented +the honourable member on the excellent distinction he had +drawn. Several other Members, too, dwelt upon the immense +and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children with +nothing but facts and figures; which process the President very +forcibly remarked, had made them (the section) the men they +were.

‘Mr. Slug then stated some +curious calculations respecting the dogs’-meat barrows of +London. He found that the total number of small carts and +barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats and dogs of +the metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and +forty-three. The average number of skewers delivered daily +with the provender, by each dogs’-meat cart or barrow, was +thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers so +delivered by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand +seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be +obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two thousand seven +hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand seven +hundred and forty-eight were accidentally devoured with the meat, +by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed that +sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number of +twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, were +wasted in the kennels and dustholes of London; which, if +collected and warehoused, would in ten years’ time afford a +mass of timber more than sufficient for the construction of a +first-rate vessel of war for the use of her Majesty’s navy, +to be called “The Royal Skewer,” and to become under +that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.

‘Mr. X. Ledbrain read a very +ingenious communication, from which it appeared that the total +number of legs belonging to the manufacturing population of one +great town in Yorkshire was, in round numbers, forty thousand, +while the total number of chair and stool legs in their houses +was only thirty thousand, which, upon the very favourable average +of three legs to a seat, yielded only ten thousand seats in +all. From this calculation it would appear,—not +taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two +legs to every person,—that ten thousand individuals +(one-half of the whole population) were either destitute of any +rest for their legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure +time in sitting upon boxes.

‘Section D.—Mechanical Science.

COACH-HOUSE, +ORIGINAL PIG.

President—Mr. +Carter. Vice-Presidents—Mr. Truck and Mr. +Waghorn.

‘Professor Queerspeck +exhibited an elegant model of a portable railway, neatly mounted +in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket. By attaching +this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or public-office +clerk could transport himself from his place of residence to his +place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five miles an hour, +which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be an +incalculable advantage.

‘The President was desirous +of knowing whether it was necessary to have a level surface on +which the gentleman was to run.

‘Professor Queerspeck +explained that City gentlemen would run in trains, being +handcuffed together to prevent confusion or unpleasantness. +For instance, trains would start every morning at eight, nine, +and ten o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington, Camberwell, +Hackney, and various other places in which City gentlemen are +accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to have a +level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing that +the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should be +taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the +metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes +which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and +commodious arcade, especially in winter-time, when the +inconvenient custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could +be wholly dispensed with. In reply to another question, +Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for the purposes +to which these arcades were at present devoted had yet occurred +to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection on this head +would be allowed to interfere with so great an undertaking.

‘Mr. Jobba produced a +forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing joint-stock railway +shares prematurely to a premium. The instrument was in the +form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of most dazzling +appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after the manner +of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by the +directors of the company to which the machine belonged. The +quicksilver was so ingeniously placed, that when the acting +directors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very +small expenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; +but the moment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, +the estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to +an immense extent, while the statements of certain profits became +reduced in the same proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the +machine had been in constant requisition for some months past, +and he had never once known it to fail.

‘A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely +neat and pretty. He wished to know whether it was not +liable to accidental derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the +whole machine was undoubtedly liable to be blown up, but that was +the only objection to it.

‘Professor Nogo arrived from +the anatomical section to exhibit a model of a safety +fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in less than half +an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most infirm +persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames until +it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely balanced +themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom window, +and got into the escape without falling into the street. +The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued +in the daytime by this machine from houses which were not on +fire, was almost incredible. Not a conflagration had +occurred in the whole of London for many months past to which the +escape had not been carried on the very next day, and put in +action before a concourse of persons.

‘The President inquired +whether there was not some difficulty in ascertaining which was +the top of the machine, and which the bottom, in cases of +pressing emergency.

‘Professor Nogo explained +that of course it could not be expected to act quite as well when +there was a fire, as when there was not a fire; but in the former +case he thought it would be of equal service whether the top were +up or down.’

+ +

With the last section our correspondent concludes his most +able and faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect +credit upon him for his scientific attainments, and upon us for +our enterprising spirit. It is needless to take a review of +the subjects which have been discussed; of the mode in which they +have been examined; of the great truths which they have +elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them +to read, to consider, and to profit.

The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, +and has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence +being taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its +markets, the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of +its hotels. We hope at this next meeting our correspondent +may again be present, and that we may be once more the means of +placing his communications before the world. Until that +period we have been prevailed upon to allow this number of our +Miscellany to be retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the +trade, without any advance upon our usual price.

We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, +and that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed +tranquillity,—that Professors and Members have had balls, +and soirées, and suppers, and great mutual +complimentations, and have at length dispersed to their several +homes,—whither all good wishes and joys attend them, until +next year!

Signed Boz.

p. 531FULL +REPORT OF THE
+SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG
+ASSOCIATION
+FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

In October last, we did ourselves +the immortal credit of recording, at an enormous expense, and by +dint of exertions unnpralleled in the history of periodical +publication, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for the +Advancement of Everything, which in that month held its first +great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole +empire. We announced at the conclusion of that +extraordinary and most remarkable Report, that when the Second +Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found +again at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, +and once more making the world ring with the accuracy, +authenticity, immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability +of our account of its proceedings. In redemption of this +pledge, we caused to be despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at +which place this second meeting of the Society was held on the +20th instant), the same superhumanly-endowed gentleman who +furnished the former report, and who,—gifted by nature with +transcendent abilities, and furnished by us with a body of +assistants scarcely inferior to himself,—has forwarded a +series of letters, which, for faithfulness of description, power +of language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and +importance of subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary +literature of any age or country. We give this +gentleman’s correspondence entire, and in the order in +which it reached our office.

‘Saloon of Steamer, +Thursday night, half-past eight.

‘When I left New Burlington +Street this evening in the hackney cabriolet, number four +thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced sensations as +novel as they were oppressive. A sense of the importance of +the task I had undertaken, a consciousness that I was leaving +London, and, stranger still, going somewhere else, a feeling of +loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered my +thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensible to the +presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box. I shall ever feel +grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting +the pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet, +awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly +indescribable. But of such materials is our imperfect +nature composed!

‘I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on +board, and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all +that happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is +smoking a good deal, and so are the crew; and the captain, I am +informed, is very drunk in a little house upon deck, something +like a black turnpike. I should infer from all I hear that +he has got the steam up.

‘You will readily guess with what feelings I have just +made the discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those +engaged by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor +Grime. Professor Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, +and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves opposite. +Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug’s bed +is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully +closed at both ends. What can this contain? Some +powerful instrument of a new construction, doubtless.’

‘Ten minutes past +nine.

‘Nobody has yet arrived, nor +has anything fresh come in my way except several joints of beef +and mutton, from which I conclude that a good plain dinner has +been provided for to-morrow. There is a singular smell +below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the steward +says it is always there, and never goes away, I am quite +comfortable again. I learn from this man that the different +sections will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, +and the Boot-jack and Countenance. If this intelligence be +true (and I have no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw +such conclusions as their different opinions may suggest.

‘I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as +the facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first +impressions may lose nothing of their original vividness. I +shall despatch them in small packets as opportunities +arise.’

‘Half past nine.

‘Some dark object has just +appeared upon the wharf. I think it is a travelling +carriage.’

‘A quarter to ten.

‘No, it +isn’t.’

‘Half-past ten.

‘The passengers are pouring +in every instant. Four omnibuses full have just arrived +upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity. The noise +and confusion are very great. Cloths are laid in the +cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates—full of +knobs of cheese at equal distances down the centre of the +tables. He drops a great many knobs; but, being used to it, +picks them up again with great dexterity, and, after wiping them +on his sleeve, throws them back into the plates. He is a +young man of exceedingly prepossessing appearance—either +dirty or a mulatto, but I think the former.

‘An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in +an omnibus, has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and +is staggering towards the vessel with a large trunk in his +arms. I trust and hope that he may reach it in safety; but +the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery. Was that +a splash? Gracious powers!

‘I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is +standing upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old +gentleman is nowhere to be seen. The watchman is not sure +whether he went down or not, but promises to drag for him the +first thing to-morrow morning. May his humane efforts prove +successful!

‘Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his +nightcap on under his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold +brandy and water, with a hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone +straight to bed. What can this mean?

‘The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have +already alluded have come on board, and have all tried their +beds, with the exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in +one of the top ones, and can’t get into it. Mr. Slug, +who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out of his, and +is to have his supper handed up by a boy. I have had the +honour to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have +amicably arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest; +which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although the cabin +is very comfortable, there is not room for more than one +gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his +boots off in the passage.

‘As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for +the passengers’ supper, and are now in course of +consumption. Your readers will be surprised to hear that +Professor Woodensconce has abstained from cheese for eight years, +although he takes butter in considerable quantities. +Professor Grime having lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, +to eat his crusts without previously soaking them in his bottled +porter. How interesting are these peculiarities!’

‘Half-past eleven.

‘Professors Woodensconce and +Grime, with a degree of good humour that delights us all, have +just arranged to toss for a bottle of mulled port. There +has been some discussion whether the payment should be decided by +the first toss or the best out of three. Eventually the +latter course has been determined on. Deeply do I wish that +both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I own that +my personal aspirations (I speak as an individual, and do not +compromise either you or your readers by this expression of +feeling) are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed +that gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.’

‘Twenty minutes to +twelve.

‘Professor Grime has +inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one of the +cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward shall +toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to any amount, +but there are no takers.

‘Professor Woodensconce has just called +“woman;” but the coin having lodged in a beam, is a +long time coming down again. The interest and suspense of +this one moment are beyond anything that can be +imagined.’

‘Twelve +o’clock.

‘The mulled port is smoking +on the table before me, and Professor Grime has won. +Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground, whether of +public or private character, intellectual endowments, or +scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that +Professor Woodensconce ought to have come off +victorious. There is an exultation about Professor Grime +incompatible, I fear, with true greatness.’

‘A quarter past +twelve.

‘Professor Grime continues to +exult, and to boast of his victory in no very measured terms, +observing that he always does win, and that he knew it would be a +“head” beforehand, with many other remarks of a +similar nature. Surely this gentleman is not so lost to +every feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know +the superiority of Professor Woodensconce? Is Professor +Grime insane? or does he wish to be reminded in plain language of +his true position in society, and the precise level of his +acquirements and abilities? Professor Grime will do well to +look to this.’

‘One o’clock.

‘I am writing in bed. +The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble light of a +flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor Grime is +lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with his +mouth wide open. The scene is indescribably solemn. +The rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors’ feet +overhead, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, +the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of every +plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear. +With these exceptions, all is profound silence.

‘My curiosity has been within the last moment very much +excited. Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has +cautiously withdrawn the curtains of his berth, and, after +looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy himself that his +companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of which I have +before spoken, and is regarding it with great interest. +What rare mechanical combination can be contained in that +mysterious case? It is evidently a profound secret to +all.’

‘A quarter past +one.

‘The behaviour of Mr. Slug +grows more and more mysterious. He has unscrewed the top of +the tube, and now renews his observations upon his companions, +evidently to make sure that he is wholly unobserved. He is +clearly on the eve of some great experiment. Pray heaven +that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of science must +be promoted, and I am prepared for the worst.’

‘Five minutes +later.

‘He has produced a large pair +of scissors, and drawn a roll of some substance, not unlike +parchment in appearance, from the tin case. The experiment +is about to begin. I must strain my eyes to the utmost, in +the attempt to follow its minutest operation.’

‘Twenty minutes before +two.

‘I have at length been +enabled to ascertain that the tin tube contains a few yards of +some celebrated plaster, recommended—as I discover on +regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass—as a +preservative against sea-sickness. Mr. Slug has cut it up +into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every +direction.’

‘Three +o’clock.

‘Precisely a quarter of an +hour ago we weighed anchor, and the machinery was suddenly put in +motion with a noise so appalling, that Professor Woodensconce +(who had ascended to his berth by means of a platform of +carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical principals) darted +from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his feet with all the +rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the ladies’ +cabin, under the impression that we were sinking, and uttering +loud cries for aid. I am assured that the scene which +ensued baffles all description. There were one hundred and +forty-seven ladies in their respective berths at the time.

‘Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the +extreme ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of +navigation, that in whatever part of the vessel a +passenger’s berth may be situated, the machinery always +appears to be exactly under his pillow. He intends stating +this very beautiful, though simple discovery, to the +association.’

‘Half-past ten.

‘We are still in smooth +water; that is to say, in as smooth water as a steam-vessel ever +can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who has just woke up) +learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity about a +steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it. +You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of +the ship becomes. It is a matter of positive difficulty to +get to sleep.’

‘Friday afternoon, +six o’clock.

‘I regret to inform you that +Mr. Slug’s plaster has proved of no avail. He is in +great agony, but has applied several large, additional pieces +notwithstanding. How affecting is this extreme devotion to +science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying +circumstances!

‘We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast +was one of the most animated description. Nothing +unpleasant occurred until noon, with the exception of Doctor +Foxey’s brown silk umbrella and white hat becoming +entangled in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of +ladies the construction of the steam-engine. I fear the +gravy soup for lunch was injudicious. We lost a great many +passengers almost immediately afterwards.’

‘Half-past six.

‘I am again in bed. +Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug’s sufferings it has +never yet been my lot to witness.’

‘Seven +o’clock.

‘A messenger has just come +down for a clean pocket-handkerchief from Professor +Woodensconce’s bag, that unfortunate gentleman being quite +unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be thrown +overboard. From this man I understand that Professor Nogo, +though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard +biscuit and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they +will yet restore him. Such is the triumph of mind over +matter.

‘Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite +well; but he will eat, and it is disagreeable to see +him. Has this gentleman no sympathy with the sufferings of +his fellow-creatures? If he has, on what principle can he +call for mutton-chops—and smile?’

‘Black Boy and +Stomach-ache,
+Oldcastle, Saturday noon.

‘You will be happy to learn +that I have at length arrived here in safety. The town is +excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings and hotels are +filled with savans of both sexes. The tremendous +assemblage of intellect that one encounters in every street is in +the last degree overwhelming.

‘Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been +fortunate enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on +very reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor +passage at one guinea per night, which includes permission to +take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk about the +streets at all other times, to make room for other gentlemen +similarly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended +to be devoted to the reception of the various sections, both here +and at the Boot-jack and Countenance, and am much delighted with +the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh appearance +of the saw-dust with which the floors are sprinkled. The +forms are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can +well imagine, is extremely beautiful.’

‘Half-past nine.

‘The number and rapidity of +the arrivals are quite bewildering. Within the last ten +minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the door, filled inside +and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr. +Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. +X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and +Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir William +Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London), Mr. Brown (of +Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull. +The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, and looked +extremely intelligent.’

‘Sunday, two +o’clock, p.m.

‘The Honourable and Reverend +Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir William Joltered, walked and +drove this morning. They accomplished the former feat in +boots, and the latter in a hired fly. This has naturally +given rise to much discussion.

‘I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at +the Boot-jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and +intelligent beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, +who, as your readers are doubtless aware, is an influential +member of the council. I forbear to communicate any of the +rumours to which this very extraordinary proceeding has given +rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the +truth from him.’

‘Half-past six.

‘I engaged a donkey-chaise +shortly after writing the above, and proceeded at a brisk trot in +the direction of Sowster’s residence, passing through a +beautiful expanse of country, with red brick buildings on either +side, and stopping in the marketplace to observe the spot where +Mr. Kwakley’s hat was blown off yesterday. It is an +uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance which +would lead one to suppose that any such event had recently +occurred there. From this point I proceeded—passing +the gas-works and tallow-melter’s—to a lane which had +been pointed out to me as the beadle’s place of residence; +and before I had driven a dozen yards further, I had the good +fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me.

‘Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development +of that peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly +termed a double chin than I remember to have ever seen +before. He has also a very red nose, which he attributes to +a habit of early rising—so red, indeed, that but for this +explanation I should have supposed it to proceed from occasional +inebriety. He informed me that he did not feel himself at +liberty to relate what had passed between himself and Professor +Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to state that it was connected +with a matter of police regulation, and added with peculiar +significance “Never wos sitch times!”

‘You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me +considerable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that +I lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating +the object of my visit. After a few moments’ +reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with +the utmost politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in +italics) that he had requested Sowster to attend on the Monday +morning at the Boot-jack and Countenance, to keep off the +boys; and that he had further desired that the +under-beadle might be stationed, with the same object, +at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache!

‘Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your +comments and the consideration of your readers. I have yet +to learn that a beadle, without the precincts of a church, +churchyard, or work-house, and acting otherwise than under the +express orders of churchwardens and overseers in council +assembled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the +parish, and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever +over the rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn +that a beadle can be called out by any civilian to exercise a +domination and despotism over the boys of Britain. I have +yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted by the commissioners +of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his +boots in illegal interference with the liberties of people not +proved poor or otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that +a beadle has power to stop up the Queen’s highway at his +will and pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is not +free and open to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the +very walls of the houses—ay, be they Black Boys and +Stomach-aches, or Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care +not.’

‘Nine +o’clock.

‘I have procured a local artist to make a faithful +sketch of the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this +infamous celebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved for +the purpose of presenting a copy with every copy of your next +number. I enclose it.

+ + +

The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to +be strictly anonymous.

‘The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, +and complete in every respect. Even if I had been totally +ignorant of the man’s real character, and it had been +placed before me without remark, I should have shuddered +involuntarily. There is an intense malignity of expression +in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in the +ruffian’s eye, which appals and sickens. His whole +air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less +characteristic of his demoniac propensities.’

‘Monday.

‘The great day has at length +arrived. I have neither eyes, nor ears, nor pens, nor ink, +nor paper, for anything but the wonderful proceedings that have +astounded my senses. Let me collect my energies and proceed +to the account.

‘Section A.—Zoology and Botany.

FRONT +PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.

President—Sir William +Joltered. Vice-Presidents—Mr. Muddlebranes and +Mr. Drawley.

‘Mr. X. X. Misty communicated some remarks on the +disappearance of dancing-bears from the streets of London, with +observations on the exhibition of monkeys as connected with +barrel-organs. The writer had observed, with feelings of +the utmost pain and regret, that some years ago a sudden and +unaccountable change in the public taste took place with +reference to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the +populace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the +metropolis, until not one remained to create a taste for natural +history in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One +bear, indeed,—a brown and ragged animal,—had lingered +about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected +visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his +quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and +an utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at +length driven him from the field, and it was only too probable +that he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for +grease. He regretted to add that a similar, and no less +lamentable, change had taken place with reference to +monkeys. These delightful animals had formerly been almost +as plentiful as the organs on the tops of which they were +accustomed to sit; the proportion in the year 1829 (it appeared +by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to three +organs. Owing, however, to an altered taste in musical +instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of narrow +boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit +upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up. +Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection +with national education, that the people should not lose such +opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners +and customs of two most interesting species of animals, the +author submitted that some measures should be immediately taken +for the restoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual +amusements.

‘The President inquired by +what means the honourable member proposed to attain this most +desirable end?

‘The Author submitted that it +could be most fully and satisfactorily accomplished, if Her +Majesty’s Government would cause to be brought over to +England, and maintained at the public expense, and for the public +amusement, such a number of bears as would enable every quarter +of the town to be visited—say at least by three bears a +week. No difficulty whatever need be experienced in +providing a fitting place for the reception of these animals, as +a commodious bear-garden could be erected in the immediate +neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously the most +proper and eligible spot for such an establishment.

‘Professor Mull doubted very +much whether any correct ideas of natural history were propagated +by the means to which the honourable member had so ably +adverted. On the contrary, he believed that they had been +the means of diffusing very incorrect and imperfect notions on +the subject. He spoke from personal observation and +personal experience, when he said that many children of great +abilities had been induced to believe, from what they had +observed in the streets, at and before the period to which the +honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born in +red coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers also +came by nature. He wished to know distinctly whether the +honourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement the +bears had met with to the decline of public taste in that +respect, or to a want of ability on the part of the bears +themselves?

‘Mr. X. X. Misty replied, that he could not bring +himself to believe but that there must be a great deal of +floating talent among the bears and monkeys generally; which, in +the absence of any proper encouragement, was dispersed in other +directions.

‘Professor Pumpkinskull +wished to take that opportunity of calling the attention of the +section to a most important and serious point. The author +of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent taste for +bears’-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair, +which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it +appeared to him) very alarming extent. No gentleman +attending that section could fail to be aware of the fact that +the youth of the present age evinced, by their behaviour in the +streets, and at all places of public resort, a considerable lack +of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant +times, had been thought becoming. He wished to know whether +it were possible that a constant outward application of +bears’-grease by the young gentlemen about town had +imperceptibly infused into those unhappy persons something of the +nature and quality of the bear. He shuddered as he threw +out the remark; but if this theory, on inquiry, should prove to +be well founded, it would at once explain a great deal of +unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which, without some such +discovery, was wholly unaccountable.

‘The President highly +complimented the learned gentleman on his most valuable +suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon the assembly; +and remarked that only a week previous he had seen some young +gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a fierce +intensity, which nothing but the influence of some brutish +appetite could possibly explain. It was dreadful to reflect +that our youth were so rapidly verging into a generation of +bears.

‘After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved +that this important question should be immediately submitted to +the consideration of the council.

‘The President wished to know +whether any gentleman could inform the section what had become of +the dancing-dogs?

‘A Member replied, after some +hesitation, that on the day after three glee-singers had been +committed to prison as criminals by a late most zealous +police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had abandoned their +professional duties, and dispersed themselves in different +quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by less dangerous +means. He was given to understand that since that period +they had supported themselves by lying in wait for and robbing +blind men’s poodles.

‘Mr. Flummery exhibited a +twig, claiming to be a veritable branch of that noble tree known +to naturalists as the Shakspeare, +which has taken root in every land and climate, and gathered +under the shade of its broad green boughs the great family of +mankind. The learned gentleman remarked that the twig had +been undoubtedly called by other names in its time; but that it +had been pointed out to him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where +the great tree had grown, as a shoot of the genuine Shakspeare, by which name he begged to +introduce it to his countrymen.

‘The President wished to know +what botanical definition the honourable gentleman could afford +of the curiosity.

‘Mr. Flummery expressed his +opinion that it was A DECIDED +PLANT.

‘SECTION B.—Display of Models +and Mechanical Science.

LARGE ROOM, +BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE.

President—Mr. +Mallett. Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Leaver and +Scroo.

‘Mr. Crinkles exhibited a +most beautiful and delicate machine, of little larger size than +an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured entirely by himself, and +composed exclusively of steel, by the aid of which more pockets +could be picked in one hour than by the present slow and tedious +process in four-and-twenty. The inventor remarked that it +had been put into active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, +and other thoroughfares, and had never been once known to +fail.

‘After some slight delay, occasioned by the various +members of the section buttoning their pockets,

‘The President narrowly +inspected the invention, and declared that he had never seen a +machine of more beautiful or exquisite construction. Would +the inventor be good enough to inform the section whether he had +taken any and what means for bringing it into general +operation?

‘Mr. Crinkles stated that, +after encountering some preliminary difficulties, he had +succeeded in putting himself in communication with Mr. Fogle +Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell mob, who had +awarded the invention the very highest and most unqualified +approbation. He regretted to say, however, that these +distinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the +name of Gimlet-eyed Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade +of the profession whom he was understood to represent, +entertained an insuperable objection to its being brought into +general use, on the ground that it would have the inevitable +effect of almost entirely superseding manual labour, and throwing +a great number of highly-deserving persons out of employment.

‘The President hoped that no +such fanciful objections would be allowed to stand in the way of +such a great public improvement.

‘Mr. Crinkles hoped so too; +but he feared that if the gentlemen of the swell mob persevered +in their objection, nothing could be done.

‘Professor Grime suggested, +that surely, in that case, Her Majesty’s Government might +be prevailed upon to take it up.

‘Mr. Crinkles said, that if +the objection were found to be insuperable he should apply to +Parliament, which he thought could not fail to recognise the +utility of the invention.

‘The President observed that, +up to this time Parliament had certainly got on very well without +it; but, as they did their business on a very large scale, he had +no doubt they would gladly adopt the improvement. His only +fear was that the machine might be worn out by constant +working.

‘Mr. Coppernose called the +attention of the section to a proposition of great magnitude and +interest, illustrated by a vast number of models, and stated with +much clearness and perspicuity in a treatise entitled +“Practical Suggestions on the necessity of providing some +harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young noblemen of +England.” His proposition was, that a space of ground +of not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should +be purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act of +Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve +feet in height. He proposed that it should be laid out with +highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every +object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of +Four-in-hand Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to +require no drive beyond it. This delightful retreat would +be fitted up with most commodious and extensive stables, for the +convenience of such of the nobility and gentry as had a taste for +ostlering, and with houses of entertainment furnished in the most +expensive and handsome style. It would be further provided +with whole streets of door-knockers and bell-handles of extra +size, so constructed that they could be easily wrenched off at +night, and regularly screwed on again, by attendants provided for +the purpose, every day. There would also be gas lamps of +real glass, which could be broken at a comparatively small +expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome foot pavement for +gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when they were +humorously disposed—for the full enjoyment of which feat +live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a very +small charge per head. The place being inclosed, and +carefully screened from the intrusion of the public, there would +be no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their +costume that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, +or, indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if +they liked that better. In short, every facility of +enjoyment would be afforded that the most gentlemanly person +could possibly desire. But as even these advantages would +be incomplete unless there were some means provided of enabling +the nobility and gentry to display their prowess when they +sallied forth after dinner, and as some inconvenience might be +experienced in the event of their being reduced to the necessity +of pummelling each other, the inventor had turned his attention +to the construction of an entirely new police force, composed +exclusively of automaton figures, which, with the assistance of +the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Windmill-street, in the +Haymarket, he had succeeded in making with such nicety, that a +policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made upon the principle of +the models exhibited, would walk about until knocked down like +any real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six or eight +noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter +divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering +the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect. But the +invention did not stop even here; for station-houses would be +built, containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the +night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious +police office, where a pantomimic investigation would take place +before the automaton magistrates,—quite equal to +life,—who would fine them in so many counters, with which +they would be previously provided for the purpose. This +office would be furnished with an inclined plane, for the +convenience of any nobleman or gentleman who might wish to bring +in his horse as a witness; and the prisoners would be at perfect +liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the complainants as much +as they pleased, and to make any remarks that they thought +proper. The charge for these amusements would amount to +very little more than they already cost, and the inventor +submitted that the public would be much benefited and comforted +by the proposed arrangement.

+ + +

‘Professor Nogo wished to be +informed what amount of automaton police force it was proposed to +raise in the first instance.

‘Mr. Coppernose replied, that +it was proposed to begin with seven divisions of police of a +score each, lettered from A to G inclusive. It was proposed +that not more than half this number should be placed on active +duty, and that the remainder should be kept on shelves in the +police office ready to be called out at a moment’s +notice.

‘The President, awarding the +utmost merit to the ingenious gentleman who had originated the +idea, doubted whether the automaton police would quite answer the +purpose. He feared that noblemen and gentlemen would +perhaps require the excitement of thrashing living subjects.

‘Mr. Coppernose submitted, +that as the usual odds in such cases were ten noblemen or +gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it could make very +little difference in point of excitement whether the policeman or +cab-driver were a man or a block. The great advantage would +be, that a policeman’s limbs might be all knocked off, and +yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day. He +might even give his evidence next morning with his head in his +hand, and give it equally well.

‘Professor Muff.—Will +you allow me to ask you, sir, of what materials it is intended +that the magistrates’ heads shall be composed?

‘Mr. Coppernose.—The +magistrates will have wooden heads of course, and they will be +made of the toughest and thickest materials that can possibly be +obtained.

‘Professor Muff.—I am +quite satisfied. This is a great invention.

‘Professor Nogo.—I see +but one objection to it. It appears to me that the +magistrates ought to talk.

‘Mr. Coppernose no sooner +heard this suggestion than he touched a small spring in each of +the two models of magistrates which were placed upon the table; +one of the figures immediately began to exclaim with great +volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in such a +situation, and the other to express a fear that the policeman was +intoxicated.

‘The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout +of applause that the invention was complete; and the President, +much excited, retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the +council. On his return,

‘Mr. Tickle displayed his +newly-invented spectacles, which enabled the wearer to discern, +in very bright colours, objects at a great distance, and rendered +him wholly blind to those immediately before him. It was, +he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based strictly +upon the principle of the human eye.

‘The President required some +information upon this point. He had yet to learn that the +human eye was remarkable for the peculiarities of which the +honourable gentleman had spoken.

‘Mr. Tickle was rather +astonished to hear this, when the President could not fail to be +aware that a large number of most excellent persons and great +statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most marvellous horrors +on West India plantations, while they could discern nothing +whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton mills. He +must know, too, with what quickness of perception most people +could discover their neighbour’s faults, and how very blind +they were to their own. If the President differed from the +great majority of men in this respect, his eye was a defective +one, and it was to assist his vision that these glasses were +made.

‘Mr. Blank exhibited a model +of a fashionable annual, composed of copper-plates, gold leaf, +and silk boards, and worked entirely by milk and water.

‘Mr. Prosee, after examining +the machine, declared it to be so ingeniously composed, that he +was wholly unable to discover how it went on at all.

‘Mr. Blank.—Nobody can, +and that is the beauty of it.

‘Section C.—Anatomy and Medicine.

BAR ROOM, +BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.

President—Dr. +Soemup. Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Pessell and +Mortair.

‘Dr. Grummidge stated to the +section a most interesting case of monomania, and described the +course of treatment he had pursued with perfect success. +The patient was a married lady in the middle rank of life, who, +having seen another lady at an evening party in a full suit of +pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess a similar +equipment, although her husband’s finances were by no means +equal to the necessary outlay. Finding her wish +ungratified, she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so +alarming, that he (Dr. Grummidge) was called in. At this +period the prominent tokens of the disorder were sullenness, a +total indisposition to perform domestic duties, great +peevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls were +mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes grew +brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various +incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and +exclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself +dead. Finding that the patient’s appetite was +affected in the presence of company, he began by ordering a total +abstinence from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but +weak gruel; he then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a +blister under each ear, one upon the chest, and another on the +back; having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, +he left the patient to her repose. The next day she was +somewhat low, but decidedly better, and all appearances of +irritation were removed. The next day she improved still +further, and on the next again. On the fourth there was +some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which no sooner +developed themselves, than he administered another dose of +calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly +favourable change occurred within two hours, the patient’s +head should be immediately shaved to the very last curl. +From that moment she began to mend, and, in less than +four-and-twenty hours was perfectly restored. She did not +now betray the least emotion at the sight or mention of pearls or +any other ornaments. She was cheerful and good-humoured, +and a most beneficial change had been effected in her whole +temperament and condition.

‘Mr. Pipkin (M.R.C.S.) read a +short but most interesting communication in which he sought to +prove the complete belief of Sir William Courtenay, otherwise +Thorn, recently shot at Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic +system. The section would bear in mind that one of the +Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimal doses of any +medicine which would occasion the disease under which the patient +laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy state, would cure +it. Now, it was a remarkable circumstance—proved in +the evidence—that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to +follow him about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that +one drop (a purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would +observe), placed upon his tongue, after death, would restore +him. What was the obvious inference? That Thorn, who +was marching and countermarching in osier beds, and other swampy +places, was impressed with a presentiment that he should be +drowned; in which case, had his instructions been complied with, +he could not fail to have been brought to life again instantly by +his own prescription. As it was, if this woman, or any +other person, had administered an infinitesimal dose of lead and +gunpowder immediately after he fell, he would have recovered +forthwith. But unhappily the woman concerned did not +possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or carrying out a +principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman had been sacrificed +to the ignorance of the peasantry.

‘Section D.—Statistics.

OUT-HOUSE, +BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.

President—Mr. +Slug. Vice-Presidents—Messrs. Noakes and +Styles.

‘Mr. Kwakley stated the +result of some most ingenious statistical inquiries relative to +the difference between the value of the qualification of several +members of Parliament as published to the world, and its real +nature and amount. After reminding the section that every +member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed to +possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per +annum, the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and +laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property +possessed by a column of legislators, in which he had included +himself. It appeared from this table, that the amount of +such income possessed by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 +pence, yielding an average of the same. (Great laughter.) +It was pretty well known that there were accommodating gentlemen +in the habit of furnishing new members with temporary +qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore +solemnly—of course as a mere matter of form. He +argued from these data that it was wholly unnecessary for +members of Parliament to possess any property at all, especially +as when they had none the public could get them so much +cheaper.

‘Supplementary Section, +E.—Umbugology and +Ditchwaterisics.

President—Mr. +Grub. Vice Presidents—Messrs. Dull and +Dummy.

‘A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay +pony with one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in +a butcher’s cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The +communication described the author of the paper as having, in the +prosecution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday +morning last summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the course +of which expedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance +above described. The pony had one distinct eye, and it had +been pointed out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the +Horse Marines, who assisted the author in his search, that +whenever he winked this eye he whisked his tail (possibly to +drive the flies off), but that he always winked and whisked at +the same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and +tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the family +of Fitfordogsmeataurious. It certainly did occur to +him that there was no case on record of a pony with one +clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking and +whisking at the same moment.

‘Mr. Q. J. Snuffletoffle had heard of a pony winking +his eye, and likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether +they were two ponies or the same pony he could not undertake +positively to say. At all events, he was acquainted with no +authenticated instance of a simultaneous winking and whisking, +and he really could not but doubt the existence of such a +marvellous pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which +ponies were governed. Referring, however, to the mere +question of his one organ of vision, might he suggest the +possibility of this pony having been literally half asleep at the +time he was seen, and having closed only one eye.

‘The President observed that, +whether the pony was half asleep or fast asleep, there could be +no doubt that the association was wide awake, and therefore that +they had better get the business over, and go to dinner. He +had certainly never seen anything analogous to this pony, but he +was not prepared to doubt its existence; for he had seen many +queerer ponies in his time, though he did not pretend to have +seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other gentlemen around +him.

‘Professor John Ketch was +then called upon to exhibit the skull of the late Mr. Greenacre, +which he produced from a blue bag, remarking, on being invited to +make any observations that occurred to him, “that +he’d pound it as that ’ere ’spectable section +had never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos.”

‘A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic +ensued; and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the +real character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a +lecture upon the cranium before him, clearly showing that Mr. +Greenacre possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most +unusual extent, with a most remarkable development of the organ +of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to +combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted +the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excitement of manner, +“Walker!”

‘The President begged to call +the learned gentleman to order.

‘Professor +Ketch.—“Order be blowed! you’ve got the +wrong un, I tell you. It ain’t no ’ed at all; +it’s a coker-nut as my brother-in-law has been +a-carvin’, to hornament his new baked tatur-stall wots +a-comin’ down ’ere vile the ’sociation’s +in the town. Hand over, vill you?”

‘With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed +himself of the cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake +for which he had exhibited it. A most interesting +conversation ensued; but as there appeared some doubt ultimately +whether the skull was Mr. Greenacre’s, or a hospital +patient’s, or a pauper’s, or a man’s, or a +woman’s, or a monkey’s, no particular result was +obtained.’

+ +

‘I cannot,’ says our talented correspondent in +conclusion, ‘I cannot close my account of these gigantic +researches and sublime and noble triumphs without repeating a +bon mot of Professor Woodensconce’s, which shows how +the greatest minds may occasionally unbend when truth can be +presented to listening ears, clothed in an attractive and playful +form. I was standing by, when, after a week of feasting and +feeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of +wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous +dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on the +board, and fat bucks—propitiatory sacrifices to +learning—sent forth their savoury odours. +“Ah!” said Professor Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, +“this is what we meet for; this is what inspires us; this +is what keeps us together, and beckons us onward; this is the +spread of science, and a glorious spread it +is.”’

p. 551THE +PANTOMIME OF LIFE

Before we plunge headlong into this +paper, let us at once confess to a fondness for +pantomimes—to a gentle sympathy with clowns and +pantaloons—to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and +columbines—to a chaste delight in every action of their +brief existence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, +and inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and +formal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of +meaner and less comprehensive minds. We revel in +pantomimes—not because they dazzle one’s eyes with +tinsel and gold leaf; not because they present to us, once again, +the well-beloved chalked faces, and goggle eyes of our childhood; +not even because, like Christmas-day, and Twelfth-night, and +Shrove-Tuesday, and one’s own birthday, they come to us but +once a year;—our attachment is founded on a graver and a +very different reason. A pantomime is to us, a mirror of +life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences +generally, although they are not aware of it, and that this very +circumstance is the secret cause of their amusement and +delight.

Let us take a slight example. The scene is a street: an +elderly gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked +features, appears. His countenance beams with a sunny +smile, and a perpetual dimple is on his broad, red cheek. +He is evidently an opulent elderly gentleman, comfortable in +circumstances, and well-to-do in the world. He is not +unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he is richly, not +to say gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a reasonable +extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferred from the +joyous and oily manner in which he rubs his stomach, by way of +informing the audience that he is going home to dinner. In +the fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in +the possession and enjoyment of all the good things of life, the +elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles. +How the audience roar! He is set upon by a noisy and +officious crowd, who buffet and cuff him unmercifully. They +scream with delight! Every time the elderly gentleman +struggles to get up, his relentless persecutors knock him down +again. The spectators are convulsed with merriment! +And when at last the elderly gentleman does get up, and staggers +away, despoiled of hat, wig, and clothing, himself battered to +pieces, and his watch and money gone, they are exhausted with +laughter, and express their merriment and admiration in rounds of +applause.

Is this like life? Change the scene to any real +street;—to the Stock Exchange, or the City banker’s; +the merchant’s counting-house, or even the +tradesman’s shop. See any one of these men +fall,—the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his +pride and riches, the better. What a wild hallo is raised +over his prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop +and yell as he lies humbled beneath them! Mark how eagerly +they set upon him when he is down; and how they mock and deride +him as he slinks away. Why, it is the pantomime to the very +letter.

Of all the pantomimic dramatis personæ, we +consider the pantaloon the most worthless and debauched. +Independent of the dislike one naturally feels at seeing a +gentleman of his years engaged in pursuits highly unbecoming his +gravity and time of life, we cannot conceal from ourselves the +fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-minded old villain, +constantly enticing his younger companion, the clown, into acts +of fraud or petty larceny, and generally standing aside to watch +the result of the enterprise. If it be successful, he never +forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if it turn out +a failure, he generally retires with remarkable caution and +expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair has blown +over. His amorous propensities, too, are eminently +disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open +street at noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither +more nor less than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies +in the waist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly +ashamed (as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; +continuing, nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them from a +distance in a very unpleasant and immoral manner.

Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his +own social circle? Is there any man who has not seen them +swarming at the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a +summer’s evening, going through the last-named pantomimic +feats with as much liquorish energy, and as total an absence of +reserve, as if they were on the very stage itself? We can +tell upon our fingers a dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at +this moment—capital pantaloons, who have been performing +all kinds of strange freaks, to the great amusement of their +friends and acquaintance, for years past; and who to this day are +making such comical and ineffectual attempts to be young and +dissolute, that all beholders are like to die with laughter.

Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the +Café de l’Europe in the Haymarket, where he +has been dining at the expense of the young man upon town with +whom he shakes hands as they part at the door of the +tavern. The affected warmth of that shake of the hand, the +courteous nod, the obvious recollection of the dinner, the +savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, are all +characteristics of his great prototype. He hobbles away +humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with +affected carelessness. Suddenly he stops—’tis +at the milliner’s window. He peeps through one of the +large panes of glass; and, his view of the ladies within being +obstructed by the India shawls, directs his attentions to the +young girl with the band-box in her hand, who is gazing in at the +window also. See! he draws beside her. He coughs; she +turns away from him. He draws near her again; she +disregards him. He gleefully chucks her under the chin, +and, retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic +grimaces, while the girl bestows a contemptuous and supercilious +look upon his wrinkled visage. She turns away with a +flounce, and the old gentleman trots after her with a toothless +chuckle. The pantaloon to the life!

But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear +to those of every-day life is perfectly extraordinary. Some +people talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur +in low and dismal tones the name of Grimaldi. We mean no +disparagement to the worthy and excellent old man when we say +that this is downright nonsense. Clowns that beat Grimaldi +all to nothing turn up every day, and nobody patronizes +them—more’s the pity!

‘I know who you mean,’ says some dirty-faced +patron of Mr. Osbaldistone’s, laying down the Miscellany +when he has got thus far, and bestowing upon vacancy a most +knowing glance; ‘you mean C. J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, +and George Barnwell at the Garden.’ The dirty-faced +gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is interrupted by +a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham coat. +‘No, no,’ says the young gentleman; ‘he means +Brown, King, and Gibson, at the ’Delphi.’ Now, +with great deference both to the first-named gentleman with the +dirty face, and the last-named gentleman in the non-existing +shirt-collar, we do not mean either the performer who so +grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator, or the three +unchangeables who have been dancing the same dance under +different imposing titles, and doing the same thing under various +high-sounding names for some five or six years last past. +We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, who have +hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on +earth it is we do mean; and, with becoming respect, we +proceed to tell them.

It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, +that the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height +of his glory are those which are described in the play-bills as +‘Cheesemonger’s shop and Crockery warehouse,’ +or ‘Tailor’s shop, and Mrs. Queertable’s +boarding-house,’ or places bearing some such title, where +the great fun of the thing consists in the hero’s taking +lodgings which he has not the slightest intention of paying for, +or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting the +stock-in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper next door, or +robbing warehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to +shorten the catalogue, in his swindling everybody he possibly +can, it only remaining to be observed that, the more extensive +the swindling is, and the more barefaced the impudence of the +swindler, the greater the rapture and ecstasy of the +audience. Now it is a most remarkable fact that precisely +this sort of thing occurs in real life day after day, and nobody +sees the humour of it. Let us illustrate our position by +detailing the plot of this portion of the pantomime—not of +the theatre, but of life.

The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his +livery servant Do’em—a most respectable servant to +look at, who has grown grey in the service of the captain’s +family—views, treats for, and ultimately obtains possession +of, the unfurnished house, such a number, such a street. +All the tradesmen in the neighbourhood are in agonies of +competition for the captain’s custom; the captain is a +good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and, to avoid being the +cause of disappointment to any, he most handsomely gives orders +to all. Hampers of wine, baskets of provisions, cart-loads +of furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies of luxuries of the +costliest description, flock to the house of the Honourable +Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received with the +utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do’em; while the +captain himself struts and swaggers about with that compound air +of conscious superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a +military captain should always, and does most times, wear, to the +admiration and terror of plebeian men. But the +tradesmen’s backs are no sooner turned, than the captain, +with all the eccentricity of a mighty mind, and assisted by the +faithful Do’em, whose devoted fidelity is not the least +touching part of his character, disposes of everything to great +advantage; for, although the articles fetch small sums, still +they are sold considerably above cost price, the cost to the +captain having been nothing at all. After various +manœuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and +Do’em are recognized as confederates, and the police office +to which they are both taken is thronged with their dupes.

Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of +the best portion of a theatrical pantomime—Fitz-Whisker +Fiercy by the clown; Do’em by the pantaloon; and +supernumeraries by the tradesmen? The best of the joke, +too, is, that the very coal-merchant who is loudest in his +complaints against the person who defrauded him, is the identical +man who sat in the centre of the very front row of the pit last +night and laughed the most boisterously at this very same +thing,—and not so well done either. Talk of Grimaldi, +we say again! Did Grimaldi, in his best days, ever do +anything in this way equal to Da Costa?

The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us +of his last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain +stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army. We +had scarcely laid down our pen to contemplate for a few moments +this admirable actor’s performance of that exquisite +practical joke, than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly +upon us. So we take it up again at once.

All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people +who have been before them, know, that in the representation of a +pantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the +express purpose of being cheated, or knocked down, or both. +Now, down to a moment ago, we had never been able to understand +for what possible purpose a great number of odd, lazy, +large-headed men, whom one is in the habit of meeting here, and +there, and everywhere, could ever have been created. We see +it all, now. They are the supernumeraries in the pantomime +of life; the men who have been thrust into it, with no other view +than to be constantly tumbling over each other, and running their +heads against all sorts of strange things. We sat opposite +to one of these men at a supper-table, only last week. Now +we think of it, he was exactly like the gentlemen with the +pasteboard heads and faces, who do the corresponding business in +the theatrical pantomimes; there was the same broad stolid +simper—the same dull leaden eye—the same unmeaning, +vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was done, he +always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled against +something that he had not the slightest business with. We +looked at the man across the table again and again; and could not +satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with. +How very odd that this never occurred to us before!

We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the +harlequin. We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real +living pantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the +proper fellow of him of the theatres. At one time we were +disposed to think that the harlequin was neither more nor less +than a young man of family and independent property, who had run +away with an opera-dancer, and was fooling his life and his means +away in light and trivial amusements. On reflection, +however, we remembered that harlequins are occasionally guilty of +witty, and even clever acts, and we are rather disposed to acquit +our young men of family and independent property, generally +speaking, of any such misdemeanours. On a more mature +consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the conclusion +that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to be found in +no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station, or +particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic +wand. And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of +public and political life, which we shall say at once, and then +conclude—merely premising in this place that we decline any +reference whatever to the columbine, being in no wise satisfied +of the nature of her connection with her parti-coloured lover, +and not feeling by any means clear that we should be justified in +introducing her to the virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse +our lucubrations.

We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is +neither more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a +grand comic pantomime, and that his Majesty’s most gracious +speech on the opening thereof may be not inaptly compared to the +clown’s opening speech of ‘Here we are!’ +‘My lords and gentlemen, here we are!’ appears, to +our mind at least, to be a very good abstract of the point and +meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry. When +we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediately after +the change too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still +more singular.

Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer +than at this day. We are particularly strong in +clowns. At no former time, we should say, have we had such +astonishing tumblers, or performers so ready to go through the +whole of their feats for the amusement of an admiring +throng. Their extreme readiness to exhibit, indeed, has +given rise to some ill-natured reflections; it having been +objected that by exhibiting gratuitously through the country when +the theatre is closed, they reduce themselves to the level of +mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the respectability of +the profession. Certainly Grimaldi never did this sort of +thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to the Surrey +in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at +Sadler’s Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a +general tumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, +name unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr. +Richardson, and who is no authority either, because he had never +been on the regular boards.

But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere +matter of taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of +heart on the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the +season. Night after night will they twist and tumble about, +till two, three, and four o’clock in the morning; playing +the strangest antics, and giving each other the funniest slaps on +the face that can possibly be imagined, without evincing the +smallest tokens of fatigue. The strange noises, the +confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which all this is done, +too, would put to shame the most turbulent sixpenny gallery that +ever yelled through a boxing-night.

It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns +compelled to go through the most surprising contortions by the +irresistible influence of the wand of office, which his leader or +harlequin holds above his head. Acted upon by this +wonderful charm he will become perfectly motionless, moving +neither hand, foot, nor finger, and will even lose the faculty of +speech at an instant’s notice; or on the other hand, he +will become all life and animation if required, pouring forth a +torrent of words without sense or meaning, throwing himself into +the wildest and most fantastic contortions, and even grovelling +on the earth and licking up the dust. These exhibitions are +more curious than pleasing; indeed, they are rather disgusting +than otherwise, except to the admirers of such things, with whom +we confess we have no fellow-feeling.

Strange tricks—very strange tricks—are also +performed by the harlequin who holds for the time being the magic +wand which we have just mentioned. The mere waving it +before a man’s eyes will dispossess his brains of all the +notions previously stored there, and fill it with an entirely new +set of ideas; one gentle tap on the back will alter the colour of +a man’s coat completely; and there are some expert +performers, who, having this wand held first on one side and then +on the other, will change from side to side, turning their coats +at every evolution, with so much rapidity and dexterity, that the +quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions. +Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the +hand of the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some new +performer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, +and then the race and the hard knocks begin anew.

We might have extended this chapter to a much greater +length—we might have carried the comparison into the +liberal professions—we might have shown, as was in fact our +original purpose, that each is in itself a little pantomime with +scenes and characters of its own, complete; but, as we fear we +have been quite lengthy enough already, we shall leave this +chapter just where it is. A gentleman, not altogether +unknown as a dramatic poet, wrote thus a year or two +ago—

+ +

‘All +the world’s a stage,
+And all the men and women merely players:’
+

and we, tracking out his footsteps at the +scarcely-worth-mentioning little distance of a few millions of +leagues behind, venture to add, by way of new reading, that he +meant a Pantomime, and that we are all actors in The Pantomime of +Life.

p. 558SOME +PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION

We have a great respect for lions +in the abstract. In common with most other people, we have +heard and read of many instances of their bravery and +generosity. We have duly admired that heroic self-denial +and charming philanthropy which prompts them never to eat people +except when they are hungry, and we have been deeply impressed +with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to display +towards unmarried ladies of a certain state. All natural +histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent +qualities; and one old spelling-book in particular recounts a +touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and stern +principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man +who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to +the rising generation.

All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, +says a very great deal in favour of lions as a mass. We are +bound to state, however, that such individual lions as we have +happened to fall in with have not put forth any very striking +characteristics, and have not acted up to the chivalrous +character assigned them by their chroniclers. We never saw +a lion in what is called his natural state, certainly; that is to +say, we have never met a lion out walking in a forest, or +crouching in his lair under a tropical sun, waiting till his +dinner should happen to come by, hot from the +baker’s. But we have seen some under the influence of +captivity, and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that +they appeared to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows.

The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance. He is +all very well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; +but, Lord bless us! what of that? The lions of the +fashionable world look just as ferocious, and are the most +harmless creatures breathing. A box-lobby lion or a +Regent-street animal will put on a most terrible aspect, and +roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but he will never bite, and, +if you offer to attack him manfully, will fairly turn tail and +sneak off. Doubtless these creatures roam about sometimes +in herds, and, if they meet any especially meek-looking and +peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to frighten him; but +the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is sufficient to scare +them even then. These are pleasant characteristics, whereas +we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological lion +and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy, +sluggish quadrupeds.

We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly +awake, except at feeding-time. In every respect we uphold +the biped lions against their four-footed namesakes, and we +boldly challenge controversy upon the subject.

With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our +curiosity and interest were very much excited the other day, when +a lady of our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined +to accept our refusal of her invitation to an evening party; +‘for,’ said she, ‘I have got a lion +coming.’ We at once retracted our plea of a prior +engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously +been to stay away.

We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the +drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of +the interesting animal. Two or three hours passed, the +quadrilles began, the room filled; but no lion appeared. +The lady of the house became inconsolable,—for it is one of +the peculiar privileges of these lions to make solemn +appointments and never keep them,—when all of a sudden +there came a tremendous double rap at the street-door, and the +master of the house, after gliding out (unobserved as he +flattered himself) to peep over the banisters, came into the +room, rubbing his hands together with great glee, and cried out +in a very important voice, ‘My dear, Mr. — (naming +the lion) has this moment arrived.’

Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we +observed several young ladies, who had been laughing and +conversing previously with great gaiety and good humour, grow +extremely quiet and sentimental; while some young gentlemen, who +had been cutting great figures in the facetious and small-talk +way, suddenly sank very obviously in the estimation of the +company, and were looked upon with great coldness and +indifference. Even the young man who had been ordered from +the music shop to play the pianoforte was visibly affected, and +struck several false notes in the excess of his excitement.

All this time there was a great talking outside, more than +once accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of ‘Oh! +capital! excellent!’ from which we inferred that the lion +was jocose, and that these exclamations were occasioned by the +transports of his keeper and our host. Nor were we +deceived; for when the lion at last appeared, we overheard his +keeper, who was a little prim man, whisper to several gentlemen +of his acquaintance, with uplifted hands, and every expression of +half-suppressed admiration, that—(naming the lion again) +was in such cue to-night!

The lion was a literary one. Of course, there were a +vast number of people present who had admired his roarings, and +were anxious to be introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to +see them brought up for the purpose, and to observe the patient +dignity with which he received all their patting and +caressing. This brought forcibly to our mind what we had so +often witnessed at country fairs, where the other lions are +compelled to go through as many forms of courtesy as they chance +to be acquainted with, just as often as admiring parties happen +to drop in upon them.

While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not +idle, for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most +industriously. To one gentleman he whispered some very +choice thing that the noble animal had said in the very act of +coming up-stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort +still more astonishing; to another he murmured a hasty account of +a grand dinner that had taken place the day before, where +twenty-seven gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra +cheer for the lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of +interceding to procure the majestic brute’s sign-manual for +their albums. Then, there were little private consultations +in different corners, relative to the personal appearance and +stature of the lion; whether he was shorter than they had +expected to see him, or taller, or thinner, or fatter, or +younger, or older; whether he was like his portrait, or unlike +it; and whether the particular shade of his eyes was black, or +blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or mixture. At all +these consultations the keeper assisted; and, in short, the lion +was the sole and single subject of discussion till they sat him +down to whist, and then the people relapsed into their old topics +of conversation—themselves and each other.

We must confess that we looked forward with no slight +impatience to the announcement of supper; for if you wish to see +a tame lion under particularly favourable circumstances, +feeding-time is the period of all others to pitch upon. We +were therefore very much delighted to observe a sensation among +the guests, which we well knew how to interpret, and immediately +afterwards to behold the lion escorting the lady of the house +down-stairs. We offered our arm to an elderly female of our +acquaintance, who—dear old soul!—is the very best +person that ever lived, to lead down to any meal; for, be the +room ever so small, or the party ever so large, she is sure, by +some intuitive perception of the eligible, to push and pull +herself and conductor close to the best dishes on the +table;—we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, +and, descending the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate +enough to obtain a seat nearly opposite him.

Of course the keeper was there already. He had planted +himself at precisely that distance from his charge which afforded +him a decent pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed +him, to so loud a key, as could not fail to attract the attention +of the whole company, and immediately began to apply himself +seriously to the task of bringing the lion out, and putting him +through the whole of his manœuvres. Such flashes of +wit as he elicited from the lion! First of all, they began +to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then upon the breast of a +fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the best jokes of all were +decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which latter subject the +lion came out most vigorously, and, in the opinion of the most +competent authorities, quite outshone himself. This is a +very excellent mode of shining in society, and is founded, we +humbly conceive, upon the classic model of the dialogues between +Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter takes +all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes and +repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit +and excite much laughter thereby. Whatever it be founded +on, however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; +for in this instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly +dazzled the whole body of hearers.

When the salt-cellar, and the fowl’s breast, and the +trifle, and the lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not +afford standing-room for another solitary witticism, the keeper +performed that very dangerous feat which is still done with some +of the caravan lions, although in one instance it terminated +fatally, of putting his head in the animal’s mouth, and +placing himself entirely at its mercy. Boswell frequently +presents a melancholy instance of the lamentable results of this +achievement, and other keepers and jackals have been terribly +lacerated for their daring. It is due to our lion to state, +that he condescended to be trifled with, in the most gentle +manner, and finally went home with the showman in a hack cab: +perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled.

Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some +reflections upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions +as we walked homewards, and we were not long in arriving at the +conclusion that our former impression in their favour was very +much strengthened and confirmed by what we had recently +seen. While the other lions receive company and compliments +in a sullen, moody, not to say snarling manner, these appear +flattered by the attentions that are paid them; while those +conceal themselves to the utmost of their power from the vulgar +gaze, these court the popular eye, and, unlike their brethren, +whom nothing short of compulsion will move to exertion, are ever +ready to display their acquirements to the wondering +throng. We have known bears of undoubted ability who, when +the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the +utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught +monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack +wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly +declined to turn the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or +heard of a biped lion, literary or otherwise,—and we state +it as a fact which is highly creditable to the whole +species,—who, occasion offering, did not seize with avidity +on any opportunity which was afforded him, of performing to his +heart’s content on the first violin.

p. 563MR. +ROBERT BOLTON
+THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE +PRESS’

In the parlour of the Green Dragon, +a public-house in the immediate neighbourhood of Westminster +Bridge, everybody talks politics, every evening, the great +political authority being Mr. Robert Bolton, an individual who +defines himself as ‘a gentleman connected with the +press,’ which is a definition of peculiar +indefiniteness. Mr. Robert Bolton’s regular circle of +admirers and listeners are an undertaker, a greengrocer, a +hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach surmounted by a man’s +head, and placed on the top of two particularly short legs, and a +thin man in black, name, profession, and pursuit unknown, who +always sits in the same position, always displays the same long, +vacant face, and never opens his lips, surrounded as he is by +most enthusiastic conversation, except to puff forth a volume of +tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very snappy, loud, and shrill +hem! The conversation sometimes turns upon +literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and always +upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that +talented individual. I found myself (of course, +accidentally) in the Green Dragon the other evening, and, being +somewhat amused by the following conversation, preserved it.

‘Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?’ +inquired the hairdresser of the stomach.

‘Where’s your security, Mr. Clip?’

‘My stock in trade,—there’s enough of it, +I’m thinking, Mr. Thicknesse. Some fifty wigs, two +poles, half-a-dozen head blocks, and a dead Bruin.’

‘No, I won’t, then,’ growled out +Thicknesse. ‘I lends nothing on the security of the +whigs or the Poles either. As for whigs, they’re +cheats; as for the Poles, they’ve got no cash. I +never have nothing to do with blockheads, unless I can’t +awoid it (ironically), and a dead bear’s about as much use +to me as I could be to a dead bear.’

‘Well, then,’ urged the other, +‘there’s a book as belonged to Pope, Byron’s +Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it’s got +Pope’s identical scratch on the back; what do you think of +that for security?’

‘Well, to be sure!’ cried the baker. +‘But how d’ye mean, Mr. Clip?’

‘Mean! why, that it’s got the hottergruff +of Pope.

“Steal not this book, for fear of +hangman’s rope;
+For it belongs to Alexander Pope.”
+

All that’s written on the inside of the binding of the +book; so, as my son says, we’re bound to believe +it.’

‘Well, sir,’ observed the undertaker, +deferentially, and in a half-whisper, leaning over the table, and +knocking over the hairdresser’s grog as he spoke, +‘that argument’s very easy upset.’

‘Perhaps, sir,’ said Clip, a little flurried, +‘you’ll pay for the first upset afore you thinks of +another.’

‘Now,’ said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the +hairdresser, ‘I think, I says I +think—you’ll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I +think, you see, that won’t go down with the present +company—unfortunately, my master had the honour of making +the coffin of that ere Lord’s housemaid, not no more nor +twenty year ago. Don’t think I’m proud on it, +gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort. +I’ve no more respect for a Lord’s footman than I have +for any respectable tradesman in this room. I may say no +more nor I have for Mr. Clip! (bowing). Therefore, that ere +Lord must have been born long after Pope died. And +it’s a logical interference to defer, that they neither of +them lived at the same time. So what I mean is this here, +that Pope never had no book, never seed, felt, never smelt no +book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord. And, +gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have ’eared +the ideas what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to +reward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down +without saying anything more—partickler as I perceive a +worthier visitor nor myself is just entered. I am not in +the habit of paying compliments, gentlemen; when I do, therefore, +I hope I strikes with double force.’

‘Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what’s all this about +striking with double force?’ said the object of the above +remark, as he entered. ‘I never excuse a man’s +getting into a rage during winter, even when he’s seated so +close to the fire as you are. It is very injudicious to put +yourself into such a perspiration. What is the cause of +this extreme physical and mental excitement, sir?’

Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, +a shorthand-writer, as he termed himself—a bit of equivoque +passing current among his fraternity, which must give the +uninitiated a vast idea of the establishment of the ministerial +organ, while to the initiated it signifies that no one paper can +lay claim to the enjoyment of their services. Mr. Bolton +was a young man, with a somewhat sickly and very dissipated +expression of countenance. His habiliments were composed of +an exquisite union of gentility, slovenliness, assumption, +simplicity, newness, and old age. Half of him was +dressed for the winter, the other half for the summer. His +hat was of the newest cut, the D’Orsay; his trousers had +been white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had given them +a pie-bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high black +cravat, of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his tout +ensemble was hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old +brown poodle-collared great-coat, which was closely buttoned up +to the aforesaid cravat. His fingers peeped through the +ends of his black kid gloves, and two of the toes of each foot +took a similar view of society through the extremities of his +high-lows. Sacred to the bare walls of his garret be the +mysteries of his interior dress! He was a short, spare man, +of a somewhat inferior deportment. Everybody seemed +influenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of each +member partook of the patronizing. The hairdresser made way +for him between himself and the stomach. A minute +afterwards he had taken possession of his pint and pipe. A +pause in the conversation took place. Everybody was +waiting, anxious for his first observation.

‘Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,’ +observed Mr. Bolton.

Everybody changed their positions. All eyes were fixed +upon the man of paragraphs.

‘A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a +copper,’ said Mr. Bolton.

‘Good heavens!’ exclaimed everybody, in +simultaneous horror.

‘Boiled him, gentlemen!’ added Mr. Bolton, with +the most effective emphasis; ‘boiled him!’

‘And the particulars, Mr. B.,’ inquired the +hairdresser, ‘the particulars?’

Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or +three dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the +commercial capacities of the company the superiority of a +gentlemen connected with the press, and then said—

‘The man was a baker, gentlemen.’ (Every one +looked at the baker present, who stared at Bolton.) +‘His victim, being his son, also was necessarily the son of +a baker. The wretched murderer had a wife, whom he was +frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated state, of +kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, and +half-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a +considerable portion of a sheet or blanket.’

The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at +everybody else, and exclaimed, ‘Horrid!’

‘It appears in evidence, gentlemen,’ continued Mr. +Bolton, ‘that, on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the +baker came home in a reprehensible state of beer. Mrs. S., +connubially considerate, carried him in that condition up-stairs +into his chamber, and consigned him to their mutual couch. +In a minute or two she lay sleeping beside the man whom the +morrow’s dawn beheld a murderer!’ (Entire +silence informed the reporter that his picture had attained the +awful effect he desired.) ‘The son came home about an +hour afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed. +Scarcely (gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely +had he taken off his indescribables, when shrieks (to his +experienced ear maternal shrieks) scared the silence of +surrounding night. He put his indescribables on again, and +ran down-stairs. He opened the door of the parental +bed-chamber. His father was dancing upon his mother. +What must have been his feelings! In the agony of the +minute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge a +knife into the side of his female. The mother +shrieked. The father caught the son (who had wrested the +knife from the paternal grasp) up in his arms, carried him +down-stairs, shoved him into a copper of boiling water among some +linen, closed the lid, and jumped upon the top of it, in which +position he was found with a ferocious countenance by the mother, +who arrived in the melancholy wash-house just as he had so +settled himself.

‘“Where’s my boy?” shrieked the +mother.

‘“In that copper, boiling,” coolly replied +the benign father.

‘Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed +from the house, and alarmed the neighbourhood. The police +entered a minute afterwards. The father, having bolted the +wash-house door, had bolted himself. They dragged the +lifeless body of the boiled baker from the cauldron, and, with a +promptitude commendable in men of their station, they immediately +carried it to the station-house. Subsequently, the baker +was apprehended while seated on the top of a lamp-post in +Parliament Street, lighting his pipe.’

The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, +condensed into the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could +not possibly have so affected the narrator’s +auditory. Silence, the purest and most noble of all kinds +of applause, bore ample testimony to the barbarity of the baker, +as well as to Bolton’s knack of narration; and it was only +broken after some minutes had elapsed by interjectional +expressions of the intense indignation of every man +present. The baker wondered how a British baker could so +disgrace himself and the highly honourable calling to which he +belonged; and the others indulged in a variety of wonderments +connected with the subject; among which not the least wonderment +was that which was awakened by the genius and information of Mr. +Robert Bolton, who, after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his +unspeakable influence with the daily press, was proceeding, with +a most solemn countenance, to hear the pros and cons of the Pope +autograph question, when I took up my hat, and left.

p. +567FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD
+AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS

My Child,

To recount with what trouble I have +brought you up—with what an anxious eye I have regarded +your progress,—how late and how often I have sat up at +night working for you,—and how many thousand letters I have +received from, and written to your various relations and friends, +many of whom have been of a querulous and irritable +turn,—to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I +have (as far as I possessed the power) inspected and chosen your +food; rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some +injudicious but well-meaning old ladies would have had you +swallow, and retaining only those light and pleasant articles +which I deemed calculated to keep you free from all gross +humours, and to render you an agreeable child, and one who might +be popular with society in general,—to dilate on the +steadiness with which I have prevented your annoying any company +by talking politics—always assuring you that you would +thank me for it yourself some day when you grew older,—to +expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as a parent, is beside +my present purpose, though I cannot but contemplate your fair +appearance—your robust health, and unimpeded circulation +(which I take to be the great secret of your good looks) without +the liveliest satisfaction and delight.

It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I +have no doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen +upon strange times, and live in days of constant shiftings and +changes. I had a melancholy instance of this only a week or +two since. I was returning from Manchester to London by the +Mail Train, when I suddenly fell into another train—a mixed +train—of reflection, occasioned by the dejected and +disconsolate demeanour of the Post-Office Guard. We were +stopping at some station where they take in water, when he +dismounted slowly from the little box in which he sits in ghastly +mockery of his old condition with pistol and blunderbuss beside +him, ready to shoot the first highwayman (or railwayman) who +shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel (when they +travel at all) inside and in a portable stable invented +for the purpose,—he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, +from his post, and looking mournfully about him as if in dismal +recollection of the old roadside public-house the blazing +fire—the glass of foaming ale—the buxom handmaid and +admiring hangers-on of tap-room and stable, all honoured by his +notice; and, retiring a little apart, stood leaning against a +signal-post, surveying the engine with a look of combined +affliction and disgust which no words can describe. His +scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with ignoble smoke; +flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl—his +pride in days of yore—the steam condensed in the tunnel +from which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like +rain. His eye betokened that he was thinking of the +coachman; and as it wandered to his own seat and his own +fast-fading garb, it was plain to see that he felt his office and +himself had alike no business there, and were nothing but an +elaborate practical joke.

As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation +of those days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be +judges of horse-flesh—when a mail-coach guard shall never +even have seen a horse—when stations shall have superseded +stables, and corn shall have given place to coke. ‘In +those dawning times,’ thought I, ‘exhibition-rooms +shall teem with portraits of Her Majesty’s favourite +engine, with boilers after Nature by future Landseers. Some +Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses by his magic power; +and in the dress of a mail-coach guard exhibit his TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock +mail-coach. Then, shall wondering crowds observe how that, +with the exception of his whip, it is all his eye; and crowned +heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand alone unmoved and +undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when the coursers +neigh!’

Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only +awakened then, as I am now, by the necessity of attending to +matters of present though minor importance. I offer no +apology to you for the digression, for it brings me very +naturally to the subject of change, which is the very subject of +which I desire to treat.

In fact, my child, you have changed hands. Henceforth I +resign you to the guardianship and protection of one of my most +intimate and valued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with +you, my best wishes and warmest feelings will ever remain. +I reap no gain or profit by parting from you, nor will any +conveyance of your property be required, for, in this respect, +you have always been literally ‘Bentley’s’ +Miscellany, and never mine.

Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this +altered state of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and +satisfaction.

Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, your guard +is at home in his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and +gallant desperadoes ever within call. And if I might +compare you, my child, to an engine; (not a Tory engine, nor a +Whig engine, but a brisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and +patrons to passengers; and he who now stands towards you in +loco parentis as the skilful engineer and supervisor of the +whole, I would humbly crave leave to postpone the departure of +the train on its new and auspicious course for one brief instant, +while, with hat in hand, I approach side by side with the friend +who travelled with me on the old road, and presume to solicit +favour and kindness in behalf of him and his new charge, both for +their sakes and that of the old coachman,

Boz.

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+ diff --git a/912-h/images/p509b.jpg b/912-h/images/p509b.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1031761 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p509b.jpg differ diff --git a/912-h/images/p509s.jpg b/912-h/images/p509s.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8705c26 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p509s.jpg differ diff --git a/912-h/images/p539b.jpg b/912-h/images/p539b.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..152d369 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p539b.jpg differ diff --git a/912-h/images/p539s.jpg b/912-h/images/p539s.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b0d9745 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p539s.jpg differ diff --git a/912-h/images/p544b.jpg b/912-h/images/p544b.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cffbc9 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p544b.jpg differ diff --git a/912-h/images/p544s.jpg b/912-h/images/p544s.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ddd7569 Binary files /dev/null and b/912-h/images/p544s.jpg differ -- cgit v1.2.3

THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES

CONTENTS

p. +495PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE +ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG

p. 513FULL +REPORT OF THE +FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG +ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

‘Section A.—Zoology and Botany.

‘Section B.—Anatomy and Medicine.

‘Section C.—Statistics.

‘Section D.—Mechanical Science.

p. 531FULL +REPORT OF THE +SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG +ASSOCIATION +FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

‘Section A.—Zoology and Botany.

‘SECTION B.—Display of Models +and Mechanical Science.

‘Section C.—Anatomy and Medicine.

‘Section D.—Statistics.

‘Supplementary Section, +E.—Umbugology and +Ditchwaterisics.

p. 551THE +PANTOMIME OF LIFE

p. 558SOME +PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION

p. 563MR. +ROBERT BOLTON +THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE +PRESS’

p. +567FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD +AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS

p. +495PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE
+ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG

p. 513FULL +REPORT OF THE
+FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG
+ASSOCIATION
+FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

p. 531FULL +REPORT OF THE
+SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG
+ASSOCIATION
+FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF +EVERYTHING

p. 563MR. +ROBERT BOLTON
+THE ‘GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE +PRESS’

p. +567FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD
+AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS