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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/9111-8.txt b/9111-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee71268 --- /dev/null +++ b/9111-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9787 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Bride of Dreams, by Frederik van Eeden + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Bride of Dreams + +Author: Frederik van Eeden + +Release Date: September, 2005 [EBook #9111] +[This file was first posted on September 1, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: Latin-1 + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE BRIDE OF DREAMS *** + + + + +This eBook was produced by Martin Fong. + + + + + + + +THE BRIDE OF DREAMS + +BY +FREDERIK VAN EEDEN + +AUTHORIZED TRANSLATION BY +MELLIE VON AUW + +THE-PLIMPTON-PRESS +NORWOOD-MASS-U-S-A + + +I + +As one approaches my little city from the sea on a summer's day, one +sees only the tall, round clump of trees on the ramparts and, +overtopping it, the old bell-tower with its fantastically shaped and +ornamented stories and dome-top of deep cobalt blue. The land to either +side is barely visible, and the green foliage flooded with pale +sunshine seems to drift in the sun-mist on the grayish yellow waters. +It is a dreamy little town, that once in Holland's prime had a +short-lived illusion of worldly grandeur. Then gaily-rigged vessels +embellished with gilded carvings and flaunting flags entered the little +harbor, fishing boats, merchant vessels and battleships. The +inhabitants built fine houses with crow-stepped gables and sculptured +façades and collected in them exotic treasures, furniture, plate and +china. Cannon stood on the ramparts and the citizens were filled with a +sense of their importance and power as people of some authority in the +world. They bore an escutcheon and were proud of it, they had their +portraits painted in gorgeous attire, they gave the things their terse +and pretty names, and they spoke picturesquely and gallantly as befits +people leading a flourishing elemental life. + +Now all this is long past. The little city no longer lives a life of +its own, but quietly follows in the wake of the great world-ship. In +the harbor a few fishing smacks, a market ship, a couple of sailing +yachts and the steamboat are still anchored. The fine houses are +curiosities for the strangers, and the china, the furniture and +paintings may be viewed in the museum for a fee. + +There is order, and peace, and prosperity too; the streets and houses +look clean and well kept. But it is no longer a vigorous personal life; +the color and the bloom have faded, the splendor and pageant are gone. +It still lives, but as an unimportant part of a greater life. Its charm +lies only in the memory of former days. It is lovely through its dream +life, through the unreal phantasy of its past. All that constitutes its +charm - the dark shadowy canals reflecting the light drawbridges, the +pretty quaintly-lighted streets with the red brick gables, bluish gray +stoops, chains and palings, the harbor with the little old tar and rope +shops, the tall sombre elm trees on the ramparts - it all possesses +only the accidental beauty of the faded. It can no longer, like a young +and blooming creature, will to be beautiful. It is beautiful +involuntarily, no longer as a piece of human life, but as a piece of +nature. And its loveliness is pathetic through the afterglow of a brief +blazing up of individual vivid splendor of life. + +In this quiet sphere, where life now flows on but lazily and +reflectively as in a small tributary stream of, the great river, - I +live, an old man, for the accomplishment of my last task. + +I live obscurely amid the obscure. I do my best to escape notice, and +have no notoriety whatsoever, not even as an eccentric. + +I associate with the doctor and the notary is expected of me, and I +also go to the club. It is known that I have an income and, besides, +earn some money from a small nursery on the outskirts of the town, and +by giving Italian lessons. + +The rumors regarding my past have all quieted down, and people have +grown accustomed to my foreign name - Muralto. They see me regularly +taking the same walk along the sea dike to my nursery, and my gray felt +hat and my white coat in summery weather are known as peculiarities of +the town. When you read this, reader, I shall be buried, respectably +and simply, with twelve hired mourners and the coach with black plumes +of the second class, and a wreath from the burgomaster's wife, to whom +I gave lessons; from the notary, who occasionally earned something +through me; and from the orphanage because, as treasurer, I always kept +the accounts in order. + +This is as I wish it to be. When you read this my living personality +may no longer stand in your way. My individual being may no longer +engage your attention. I know how this would veil the truth for you. +Never has man accepted new and lucid ideas from a contemporary unless +he were an avowed and venerated prophet, that is to say, a man +corrupted and lost. I will not let myself be corrupted and give myself +up as lost, and yet I know that my thoughts are too great to be +accepted from free conviction without slavishness by my living +fellow-men. Therefore have I peace in this petty world under the heavy +burden of my tremendous life. I did not confer it on myself and I have +no choice. Were I to speak my mind freely and honestly, I should be +either locked up or worshipped. I deserve neither one nor the other; +but such is the nature of the people of this age - they cannot reject +without hatred nor accept without slavishness. Thus I live in +self-restraint and peace among the lowly. + +But these pages are the doors of the cap of my suppressed life. Only by +these writings do I keep the peace within and master the tumult. + +It is a hard struggle; I am weary from it not from arousing, but from +restraining my thoughts. For what I write must be clear and orderly and +concise. Readers nowadays are impatient and easily bored, and crave +excitement. And they are dulled too, and no longer hear so clearly the +true ring of sincere conviction. Yet I have peace, for this will be +read. It will strike the summits, and the social system of today is +still built so that everything slowly spreads from the summits and +penetrates to the very lowest layers. + +Do you disagree, reader? Do you accept nothing on higher authority, but +judge everything independently for yourself? + + Then it is just you I need. Then you are on the summit and all the +rest of mankind in ranged about or beneath you. All the rest of mankind +accepts and believes on authority - but you do not. Then have I also +written this expressly and solely for you. How lucky that at last it +has fallen into your hands. Allow me to embrace you in thought, dear, +precious, freely-judging and independently-thinking reader. You are +such a treasure to me, such a find, that for the world I would not let +you go or lose you. + +Listen then, dear reader, with a little patience and some painstaking +on your part. Sweet spoils are not won without exertion! You are +sensible enough not to want to judge without having given faithful +attention. + +I write this for you because you do not want to act without +understanding; because you are restless and dissatisfied, a seeker and +lover of the unknown; because at last you have turned on your way to +look for what so long has gently pushed and driven you; because your +eyes are opened wider and are more intent on the prospect toward which +everything seems to lead. + +I write this for you, the refractory and rebellious who are tired of +all slavery. + +I write this for you, who feel that you have reached maturity and no +longer want to be treated as a child, not even by fate. + +I write this for you, the proud and the evil; yes, for the wantonly +wicked who despises the meek and the just. I write this also for you, +the earnestly good who wants to love his enemy, but cannot. + +The complaisant and contented, the adjusters and compromisers, the +advocates and flatters of God, those who shun anxiety and stop their +ears against too blatant a truth - they had better read something else; +there are plenty of pleasant and entertaining books for amusement. + +And the slaves of reason, who tread in a circle around their stake as +far as the cord of their logic reaches, they too cannot be my readers. + +Only he who has overcome the word, who has forsaken the idolatry of the +"true word" - he can read me with profit and understanding. + +Listen, then: I am an old man proclaiming the glory of a new era. I am +lonely and forsaken, but nevertheless I have a share in the great human +world and the life of the gods. + +I sit here serenely in my sombre, cool, old house, with its musty odor +of old wood and memories of past generations. I look out upon the +harbor and I hear the continuous murmur of the sea-breeze in the tall +elms on the dike, and the screams of the gulls speaking of the vast and +briny life of the sea. And yet, in the solitude of this quiet, +forgotten life, I feel that I am mightier than the mightiest, a match +for fate. I rule life; it shall bow to my wishes. I wrestle with the +gods, even to the Most High. Sometimes I tremble, when a careless +glance, with some semblance of deeper import, from one of the persons +about me makes me think that a spark of this seething life within me +has been discovered. But no one sees it, happily, nor knows me! + +Had I told you this, (is it not so, dear reader, though you be ever so +wise?), and I came not in a fiery chariot with a halo of glory and in +dazzling raiment, but in my citizen's clothes, then after all you would +undoubtedly have shrugged your shoulders and taken me for a poor fool. + +But now I am a rich sage, because I write and hold my peace. + +You are still a person, dear reader, but I have gone a step beyond - I +am dead and no longer a person. Now, now while you are reading this. In +this now, that is also now for me. I am no person, but more than that, +and therefore can say to you what, from any person, would annoy you. + +For you there is left only a still, small book, that meekly submits to +being closed up and laid aside - and then again, as patiently as ever, +resumes its tranquil message, when opened. + +II + +My parents were Italian aristocrats and my childhood days in the +paternal home in Milan and our country estate near Como loom up vaguely +before me in pictures half memories, half dreams. I cannot clearly +distinguish what is purely memory and what a dream, or dream-memory, of +these olden days. Memory is like tradition; one does not remember the +first impression, but only the memory of it, and who knows how much +that was already distorted; and so the picture changes from year to +year, like a vaguely-told tale. + +My childhood days fell towards the middle of the nineteenth century. It +was my time of luxury and state. Our home was a palace with a pillared +courtyard, wide stairway of stone with statuary, and a marble dolphin +spouting water. We had carriages and servants and I wore velvet suits +with wide lace collars and colored silk ties. I remember my father at +the time as a tall, dark, proud man, most fastidiously groomed and +dressed. He had shiny black whiskers and long, thick, wavy and glossy +hair that fell over his forehead with an artful curl. He wore tight +trousers with gaiters and patent leather shoes that always creaked +softly. He had a calm but very decided manner, and impressed me +immensely by his gentle way of giving orders and the confidence with +which he could make himself obeyed. Only my mother resisted him with a +power equally unshakable and equally restrained. As a child I saw this +conflict daily and, without appearing to do so or being myself quite +conscious of it, gave it much thought. + +My mother was a very fair blonde Northern woman whom I heard praised +for her great beauty - a fact a child is unable to determine for +himself about his own mother. I know that she had large, gray eyes with +dark rings underneath, and that it often seemed as though she had wept. +Her voice, her complexion, her expression, everything vividly suggested +tears to me. And in the silent struggle with my father her resistance +was that of an aggrieved, painful, sensitive nature: his was cool, more +indifferent and gay, but none the less firm. I never heard them +quarrel, but I saw the politely tempered tension in the dignified +house, during the stately meals, even as the servants saw it. Yet my +father would sometimes hum a tune from an opera and joke and laugh +boisterously with his friends; but mother always went about silently +and gravely, gliding over the thick carpets like a spectre and, at her +best, showing but a wan smile. + +We were wealthy and prominent people and my parents felt that very +strongly. And when I think about it now, here in my little provincial +town in Holland, where I shine my own boots, then after all I feel +compassion for the two - for my cool, well-bred father, as well as for +my pale, languishing, distinguished mother. For they considered their +high position just and righteous, and complete, and did not see in how +much it was wanting. My mother did not see how tasteless the fashion +was, - her draped and be-ruffled gown in which she thought herself so +elegant and stately, - her own physical beauty and natural grace barely +saving her from becoming an object of absolute ridicule. And my father +did not know how much his traditional power of heredity had already +been undermined by the democratic ideas everywhere astir. + +Our luxury too was strangely deficient in many respects. I have +suffered bitter cold in the great chilly palace; at night one might +break one's neck on the dark stone stairway; in some parts an ofttimes +very foul and disgusting stench prevailed; the servants slept in stuffy +hovels; there was a lavatory of which my father was very proud and +which had cost enormous sums of money, but where in broad daylight one +had to light a candle in order to wash ones hands. + +I feel compassion for my proud father when I think of how he collected +art treasures and bought paintings by distinguished artists of the +time, which he would contemplate for hours through a monocle, and which +formed the subject of long intricate critical speculations with his +friends - paintings which after all were really only trifling daubs of +no value whatever at the present time. + +It was a dream of wholly successful social glory dreamed by my Italian +parents as confidently as that other dream, dreamed by the Dutch +merchants of this little seaport town. And this Italian dream I dreamed +with them in perfect soberness. I can still become wholly absorbed in +the illusion. I see the purple velvet with the white plume and the +large diamond on my mother's hat, - a small, round bonnet, on the +thick, blonde hair gathered into a net. I stand by her side in the +carriage and feel myself the little prince, the little son of the +Contessa - and see the people bowing with profound respect. I breathe +the faint, fine perfume of frankincense and lavender exhaling from my +mother's clothes. And I recollect my sensation of calm and pride at the +meals with the heavy pretentious plate, the great bouquets of roses, +the violet hose of the clergy who were our guests, the fragrance of the +heavy wine. + +And I am touched when I think of the self-delusion of so proud, +arbitrary, critical and sceptical a man as my father, who was +prejudiced so completely by this illusion of his greatness. He would +have looked down scornfully upon the civic pomp of these +seventeenth-century Hollanders and yet that was assuredly finer, even +as was the older Italian civilization, which my father thought to +surpass while he was really living in a state of sad decline. + +It is quite comprehensible that in this family feud I sided with my +mother, and that my sister, who was older than I, took my father's +part. Also that my father would by no means submit to this, and that I +very soon began to notice that I myself was the main subject of the +strife, which fact did not tend to increase my modesty. It is strange +how, as children, we take part in these conflicts, apparently wholly +absorbed in our books and games and yet quite aware of the significant +glances, the tears and passions hidden before us, the conversations +suddenly arrested at our entrance, the artificial tone employed toward +us children, the peculiar signs of dreary suspense, of momentous events +beyond our ken imminent in the family circle and which we know we must +pass without comment. Little as I was, I knew full well that the +priests were on my mother's side and that my father fought against a +coalition. But with my mother I felt a sense of warmth, gentleness and +tenderness, and had already been won over to her side long before I +knew what the contest was about. Her beauty, which I heard praised; the +deference I saw her met with; her sanctity, which I recognized as a +great power, which my father, otherwise yielding to nothing or no one, +dared only resist with faltering mockery; the sphere of suffering and +tears in which she lived - all this drew my chivalrous heart to her. I +considered my father a great man, a giant who dared anything and could +get whatever he pleased - but for this very reason would I defend my +mother against him. I went to church with her faithfully, and strictly +followed her admonitions to piety, and the frivolous jokes which my +father sometimes made on that score I proudly and heroically met with +profound gravity. + +But this chivalrous conflict was speedily ended. The tension became +aggravated so that the banquets ceased and my mother did not appear for +days, and only summoned me to her side for a few moments when she would +weep passionately and pray with me. Strange gentlemen came for long and +secret conferences; and one bleak winter morning, very early, a large +coach appeared in which my father and I departed. + +Then there began for us two a restless life of wandering that continued +for years. We travelled through northern Africa, Asia Minor, through +all Europe, through America, and never did we remain in one place so +long a time that I could grow fond of it, or feel myself at home there. +As if by intentional design or driven by a constant unrest, my father +would always break up whenever an abode began to feel homelike to me +and I had found some friends in the vicinity, and it was wonderful with +what strength of mind he persevered in this irksome, arduous and +ofttimes even dangerous life. + +We sometimes travelled through half barbarous countries with very +primitive means of conveyance. My father had no permanent servant and +would not suffer any woman to take charge of me. We were together +constantly, night and day, and he did for me all that a mother could +have done. He helped me to wash and dress, and even mended my clothes. +He gave me lessons, taught me drawing, music, various languages, +fencing, swimming and riding; but although I very much desired to, he +never permitted me to attend school anywhere. His attention was never +for a moment diverted from me, his care for me knew no weakening, and +yet we never became really intimate. I felt that the old conflict was +being carried on under conditions that were much harder for me. He had +parted me from my mother and now that I stood alone, would vanquish me. +He surely did not suspect that I would understand it thus and would +consciously carry on the strife. But though I did not reason it out, my +intuition clearly apprehended his tactics, and I held out more +obstinately than ever with all the stubbornness of a child and the +strength of mind which I had from himself inherited. + +On three types of humanity my father was not to be approached. Firstly, +the priests, the black ones, as he called them, whom he hated with all +the fierce vehemence of his race; and, in spite of me, he so +successfully inculcated into me his own aversion, that I cannot yet +unexpectedly behold a priestly robe without a sensation of shuddering +as at the sight of a snake. Secondly, the bourgeois, whom he called +philistines, - the humbly living, contented, narrow-minded, timid, - +whom he did not hate as much as he despised them with fervid scorn. And +finally women, whom he neither hated nor despised, but whom he feared +with a scoffing dread. + +And now, looking back upon my youth from so great a distance, now I +understand that it was not only healthy, natural tenderness that drove +him to such exaggerated care for me, but bitter, impassioned feelings +of opposition and revenge born of mortifying and painful experience. +Priests, women and philistines had been too mighty or too cunning for +him; now he would at least keep me, his successor in the world, out of +their hands. That was the one great satisfaction he still sought in +life, more from grudge against his enemies than for love of me. + +Besides there were inconsistencies in his character that I am now quite +able to explain, but which as a child, seemed very queer and shocking +to me. He posed as a free-thinker and took pleasure in ridiculing my +ingenuous piety. He called God a great joker, who made sport of men and +amused himself at their expense. "But he won't fool me," he would say, +"and I promise you that I'll tell him so straight to his face if I get +the chance of speaking to him hereafter." Only of natural science and +nature did he speak with respect. Nature, according to him, was always +beautiful and good where man did not spoil her. He called natural +science our only security in life, weapon and shield against priestly +lies and religious hypocrisy. + +And yet my father frequently went to church, also taking me with him. +Wherever he went he never failed to visit the temples regardless of the +faith they confessed. He was very musical and he would pretend to go +chiefly for the sacred music. But in the Catholic churches I also saw +him crossing himself with the holy water and even kneeling for hours in +prayer before an image of the Blessed Virgin wreathed with flowers and +illumined by candles. + +This was incomprehensible to me, having as yet no knowledge of the +illogical workings of an artistically poetic and musical temperament. +But I drew my own conclusions, and it was not surprising that I +considered the devout father the true one, and the unbeliever perverted +through evil influence. Thus, despite her absence, mother's influence +prevailed. My memory had stripped her image of all that was trivial, +commonplace and unlovely, and, little by little, with her suffering, +her tears, her beauty, her tenderness, she began to shine for me in +pure angelic holiness, the subject of my faithful and ardent devotion. + +I shall not dwell on my long and arduous wanderings with my father. +Indeed, I do not remember much about them. I must have seen many +strange and beautiful sights, but they meant little to me. When the +soul is young it does not take root in surroundings too vast and does +not absorb the beautiful. I have a clearer recollection of certain +picture books, of little cosy corners in the rooms we inhabited, of a +small pewter can which I had found on the road and from which I would +never be parted - not even when I went to bed than of the countries or +cities we traversed. + +True, I must have absorbed some of the wonderful things about me, for +they undoubtedly furnished me with the material of which my dreams, +about which I shall tell you further on, were woven. But as a boy I +took no pleasure whatever in travelling. I longed for my mother, and +for our country house, where I could play with my little sister under +the airy open galleries in the rose garden or build dams in the brook. +Only the journeying by rail, a novelty at that time, interested me the +first few times, and above all the trip across the ocean to America, +when Philadelphia and Chicago were only small places, and crossing the +ocean by steamboat was still considered a perilous and risky +undertaking. + +Only of certain moments with lasting significance have I retained a +sharper recollection. Thus I remember a miserable day somewhere in Asia +Minor. We had both been ill from tainted food, my father and I, and had +lain helpless in a most wretched tavern. Meanwhile thieves had stolen +all our belongings, and when we wanted to journey on we could get no +horses, for the inhabitants feared the thieves and their vengeance +should we accuse them. Amidst a troop of dirty, eagerly debating +Syrians in a scorching hot street I stood at my father's side peering +into his wan face, sallow and drawn from the illness, with glistening +streaks of perspiration and an expression of deadly fatigue and +stubborn will. + +He had a pistol in each hand and repeated a few words of command over +and over again, while from the brown, gleaming heads about us came, in +sometimes angry, sometimes mournful, sometimes mocking tones, loud, but +to me unintelligible, replies. I saw the fierce, self-interested, +indifferent faces, with the wild eyes, and I realized how narrow was +the boundary separating our life from death. + +Still the scorching wild beast odor of the place comes back to me and I +hear the sound of a monotonous tune, with fiddling and beating of drums +in the distance, and the papery rustling of the palm leaves above our +heads. This disagreeable condition must have continued a long while. At +that time all mankind, the whole world, seemed hostile and desolate to +me. + +I knew, indeed, that my father would conquer. He did not want to die, +and I had a childlike faith in his tremendous will-power. And so it +actually turned out, and I was neither surprised nor glad. The irksome +life of wandering continued, and I had a bitter feeling that it was my +father who shut me out from the world and made it hostile to me. + +We did after all finally procure a guide that day and made a long march +on foot along scorching sandy roads, weak and tired as we were, guided +only by a half-witted boy, humming and chewing wisps of straw. Then I +began to realize what suffering means. My father did not speak, nor +would he endure any complaints from me. I bore up against it bravely, +as bravely as I could, but I began to ponder much at that time. "How +long would I be able to endure this?" I thought. "And why does he do +it? If all this folly and hardship served no purpose, we did not have +to bear it then. What could he purpose thereby? Will something very +pleasant follow? Or will these hardships continue until we die? Is all +this God plaguing us, as he says? Why does God do it, and should we let +ourselves be tormented so?" + +Then, after hours of silent wandering, I put a question: + +"Is there justice, father?" + +By this I meant, whether for all this footsoreness, this thirst and +this exertion, I would be rewarded by proportional pleasure. My father +did not reply. He evidently had need of all his energies to walk on. + +But when we had finally reached the seaport and had washed ourselves +with seawater, he said abruptly: "There is only power!" + +That answer did not please me. It was pleasure I wanted. Power could +not avail me. + +III + +Consider well, dear reader, the purpose of these writings. It is not to +occupy ourselves with the recital and attendance of thrilling and +glowing adventures, but to try to what extent my words can clear up and +illumine for you the dark background of these adventures. Illusion is +the all-powerful word of the philosophers, with which they seek to +destroy the things happening about us. But I have already worn out that +word. At times it is in my hands as a foul tattered rag, it has lost +its old use for me. I can also say - there is no illusion - there are +only known and unknown things, truths revealed and unrevealed, very +rapidly moving and very slowly flowing vital realities. And all my life +it has been my constant and passionate desire to penetrate from the +known to the unknown, from the revealed to the unrevealed, from the +fleeting to the lasting, from the swiftly moving to the more slowly +flowing - like a swimmer who from the centre of a wild mountain stream +struggles toward the quiet waters near the shore. And wherefore this +hard struggle? Because the still waters also hold blessings of +consolation, of joy, of happiness. There is the pleasure, the real +pleasure, that I as a boy expected from justice, the fair wages for +trouble and pain, the equivalent reward. + +My father did not believe in justice, but he did believe in power. But +thus he did exactly what he wished not to do, he let himself be +deceived and tried also to deceive me. But even when only a small boy, +I would not let myself be cheated by counterfeit coin. "Go along with +your power!" I thought. "I want pleasure. What can power or might avail +me without pleasure?" I wanted wares for my money, for I believed in +justice. + +The Dutch merchants, who built my pretty and substantial house, were +not very far-sighted fellows and on their hunt for happiness sailed +straight into the bog. But they demanded wares for their money, and +that was right. Now I, as an old man, live on the beautiful ruins of +their glory overgrown with the immature buds of a newer, grander +splendor of life; but I have continued to believe in justice, so +firmly, that I quite dare to assume the responsibility of expounding +this faith to you, dear reader, with all my might. And this faith +teaches that you must not let yourself be cheated, and must demand +wares for your money. That is - good, righteous, solid wares. We will +not let some inane gaieties, some paltry and miserable pleasures, some +tinsel be passed off on us as the real golden happiness. This one tries +to coax you with tempting food and drink, another with the pleasures of +being rich and mighty, still others with the comfort of a good +conscience or perhaps with the flattery of honors and the satisfaction +of duty fulfilled - or finally with the promise of reward hereafter, a +brief on eternity with the privilege for your ghost of making complaint +to the magistracy in case the ruler of the universe does not honor +them. Nothing in my old age affords me such melancholy amusement as the +foolishness of these persons, who deem themselves so wise, especially +those practical, rational, matter-of-fact and epicurean persons, who go +to such a vast amount of trouble and suffer themselves to be put off +with such hackneyed, transitory, unreal, hollow stuff. + +And I know not what is worse, the deception of the priests or that of +the philosophers, who scaling to a height upon a ladder of oratory +write a big word upon a piece of paper, flaunting it before you as the +legal tender for all your pains. With a beaming countenance the good +citizens go home with their strip of paper on which is written, "pure +reason," or "will for might," and are as contented as the so-styled +freed peoples of Europe liberated by the hosts of the French revolution +and honestly paid with worthless assignments. + +What my father let me gain for my trouble did not seem to me a fair +return, nor could he hold out to me any reasonable prospect of better +reward. The diversity of life, the beauty of the world which he +obtruded upon me so copiously would, as I approached maturity, have +delighted and comforted me. As a lad it vexed and wearied me. + +I was a tall lad, a replica of my proud, dark father, as everyone said. +I remember the sally of an indignant Parisian street arab, who called +after me: "Hey, boy, why so high and mighty?" And in my own country, +where one turns more quickly to measures sharper than words, this +loftiness brought upon me even fiercer attacks. A country lad imitated +my proud bearing and pure Italian, getting for it a slap with a towel +which I carried on my way to bathe in the sea. On my return the answer +came - a stab in my back which for days forced me to assume a lowlier +bearing. + +I had early grown accustomed to the attention we attracted wherever we +went. The father - always elegantly dressed, with his old-fashioned +pompousness and melancholy eyes - and the son - nearly as tall and +bearing a striking resemblance to him. Especially for women we were +subjects of interest. But my father never seemed to pay any attention +to this, nor did I ever see him come into closer contact with any woman. + + But to me, long before I could appreciate the beauties of art and of +nature, a glance from the eyes of a woman was the most precious of all +life had to offer. That I primarily accounted as unalloyed gold +outweighing much anguish and trouble. + +I will try to be exact and absolutely sincere. I may avail myself of +that privilege - old while I write, and dead when I shall be read. I am +of a very amorous nature and the thought of friend or sweetheart was +always an oasis in the desert of my thoughts. Even amidst the most +important cares and duties such thoughts were ever of unspeakably +greater interest and importance to me. They were never dull or tedious, +never bored me, and were my consolation in times of gloom and +discouragement. The pain they brought was also dear to me, and never +possessed the loathsome hatefulness of other barren vital pangs. + +It is difficult for me to recall when the first beams of this great and +chiefest joy of life began to shine more brightly for me, but I cannot +have been much over five or six years old. I played the passive part at +the time, and it was the girl who chose me as her friend and invited +the attention which I right willingly bestowed. But when later I myself +went out to seek the joys of love, I thought only of boy friends. And +it was a boy, a tall pale Hollander and, as it now seems to me, +certainly not a very attractive lad, whom I approached one bright +summers eve wandering together in the starlight, with the proposition +of eternal friendship. The pale lad possessed what is called common +sense and replied that he had too vague a conception of eternity to +dare accept this proposal. Later, among women I have seldom met with +such conscientious scruples. + +Our constant travelling made all these attachments very brief and +transitory and, as a child in search of love cares nothing for caste +prejudice, they were also very diverse, but therefore none the less +intense. I loved a nice brown-eyed and barefooted Livornian fisher lad, +because he was so strong and could row so well, and swim like a fish. +And later, when I was bigger, it was a young German travelling salesman +who taught me college songs and impressed me with his show of greater +worldly wisdom, that won my heart. In these relations I was always the +most ardent enthusiast, fervently pining, filled day and night with the +subject of my love. And it can still make the blood rise to my wan +cheeks when I think of the treasures of devotion that I squandered on +these unresponsive beings. But now I know too that I may count myself +lucky that they were so unresponsive. For through this wandering life +at my father's side I had remained green as grass, and how easily one +all too responsive might have turned the young tender instinct, with +which the Genius of Humanity has endowed us, forever from its destined +course to life-long torture. For we are all, man and woman alike, born +with a twofold nature, and the pliant young shoot can so easily be +contorted and its rightful growth permanently warped. + +The maiden saw in me the lover long before I began to look on her with +a lover's eyes. I had, indeed, found the unspeakable joy of intimacy +surpassing and atoning for all, but not yet the peculiar higher joy of +an intimacy, with greater disparity, between youth and maid. I thought +all intimacy glorious if it was but very fervent, and even entertained +some vague notion regarding the great joy of an intimacy and cordiality +embracing all, man and woman, young and old. But these moments of +revelation and insight were but very brief and buried forthwith under +commonplaces. + +It must have been between the age of ten and twelve, that looking into +the bright eyes of a girl, I first experienced that peculiar and higher +bliss, that boy friendship could not give me. This was an event that so +engrossed me, that I was oblivious of everything else and walked about +like one moving in a dream. + +I know not whether it was due to the blood of my fair northern mother, +but never could a southern, dark-eyed and black-haired lass fascinate +and interest me so vehemently and intensely as a blue-eyed blonde. +Especially the English type, the cool, self-possessed, as well as +somewhat haughty and coy blonde maiden, slender and yet strong, with +wavy hair, attracted my attention and interest with an irresistible +power. + +Have patience, dear reader, it is a delicate and difficult matter, and +I must deliberate well and speak carefully if we would more deeply +penetrate the meaning of these things. + +When these feelings overtake us as a child, we think it is the +personality, that it is Alice or Bertha who interests us so intensely, +and that only Alice or only Bertha can inspire such strange and +powerful emotions of bliss and desire. And above all that it is just +Alice or just Bertha whose more intimate acquaintance is so eminently +desirable. + +But how is it possible that we retain this illusion, and even live and +die in it - pleasant and enviable though it may be - when we know that +each feels this same interest in some other and ofttimes even see it +transferred from one to another? + +Being in love is the desire to fathom a most interesting secret, +indispensable to us all. The beloved maiden attracts us, as a ray of +light attracts the wanderer in the dark. Yet we know that every +creature of her kind can shed this radiance about her, and that it is +simply our own accidental receptivity that, among so many thousands, +gives to this one creature in particular her attractive power. + +Thus I think I can positively say that it was not herself I sought in +my beloved, but the reflection of one common light that also shines +through other windows as well as through the eyes in which I discovered +it. But though my reason must affirm it, my heart comprehends little of +this. When I think of her whom I loved last, longest and most +devotedly, then she herself, her own personality, is a certainty to me +that I would not willingly relinquish for any higher certainty, many +years though I have spent in anxious pondering on this subject. + +The list of my boy friends is not worth recording. They were puppets +wondrously decked out by my fertile imagination, worshipped as heroes +for a while with all the ritual of German friendship cult - and later, +when in their personal life they showed no resemblance to my ideal +expectations, rudely dismantled and cast aside and hated. I can still +see a photograph of one of them lying in my washbowl with pierced eyes, +curling and charring under the avenging flame of a match. + +The last of the series, the young commercial traveller, longest +retained his glory. I saw him only about a week in a watering place, +and subsequently he was able to maintain his position of hero-friend by +a correspondence in which he answered my fervent ingenuousness +stammered in poor German with fluent plagiarism from the classics of +his romantic fatherland. All went well, until after a few years I met +him again and noticed that it was not even a puppet but a skeleton that +I had arrayed in a hero's armor. I was furious at him as though he had +purposely deceived me - but my anger was unmerited. He had in perfect +good faith tried his best to live up to the national traditions of +friendship and to keep burning the smouldering fire of his own humble +ideal of love. + +A friend, who would have paid me in my own coin, who requited what I +desired to give him, - as, faithful, as devoted, as passionate, as +self-sacrificing, as attentive and solicitous as it was my nature to +understand and prove friendship - such a one I never found. And I was +unreasonable enough to retain a bitter and scornful feeling toward +those who, seeming to give promise of such an exalted friendship, had +disappointed me so sorely. I now understand how good it is that at this +age such friendships do not exist. Is it not hard enough to extricate +ourselves from the seemingly hopeless complications of sexual instincts +and relations? Are we not still far from the adjustment of passions, +arising much too early and continuing much too long? physical and +mental desires, affections misplaced, extinguished and transferred to +others? and children who must be fed? Should we desire to add to these +problems the complications of strong friendships which might perhaps +transform and divert our entire nature? Let each, who feels an honest, +strong, profound, budding passion for a being of opposite sex sprouting +within himself be grateful. The more so if he is not confronted by +abysses all too deep, by doors all too closely barred and by deserts +all too barren; if in this other soul he can detect feelings somewhat +akin to his own. To expect, besides, exalted friendships between those +of equal sex is imputing too much power and good will to the Deity in +whose hand we live. + +For me, then, it was not Alice or Bertha, - but Emmy, and more +particularly Emmy Tenders, the daughter of an English-Scotch merchant, +who of all human beings seemed to me the most interesting and worth +knowing. I really cannot say whether she was pretty or whether others +considered her so. She interested me in such strong and intense degree +that it never occurred to me to look at her from an æsthetically +critical standpoint. I remember that I was interested and surprised +when, after I had already known her over a year, I heard an old +gentleman referring to her as "that lovely child." It flattered me like +a personal compliment, but it sounded wholly new to me. + +I know that she was lithe and yet quite robust, that she had light +grayish-blue eyes and an abundance of thick blonde hair that framed her +face in heavy waves. It is quite impossible for me to say or to give +even an intimation of what it was that so attracted me in her. I saw +her first in her own home in the company of her mother, a pleasant +Scotch lady, and her brothers, sturdy, clever, staid and silent lads. +And from the moment I saw her I was drawn to her by a mysterious +feeling of attraction, which even now, after more than fifty years, is +as inexplicable to me as it then was. She was affectionate toward her +mother, treated her brothers like good comrades, and me in a somewhat +arch and pleasantly ingenious manner. She said nothing particular, nor +did I ever foster the illusion that she had anything very particular to +say. But her nature concealed a secret for me that I felt I must +approach and fathom at all costs, though I staked my greatest treasure, +at the cost of my life would have seemed but a miserably feeble +consideration to me. + +And mingled with this, thus making it all the more inexplicable, was a +feeling of mournfulness, of pity. When I said to myself: "how dear she +is!" I pronounced the "dear" with a mingled feeling of tender pain and +fervent pity. + +What could be the meaning of this? She seemed entirely well and happy +and led a pleasant life, with good parents, cordial family relations, +luxuries, many outdoor pleasures, ball games, tea-parties, boat +excursions, dances - everything that could make an English girl of our +time happy. + +And yet when I thought of her playful ways, her dear, young supple +limbs, her thick, wavy, blonde hair, which she would push back now and +then with both her hands, the tears welled up in my eyes from sheer +compassion. + +See, reader, after all it is just as well that for the beginning, +nothing comes of these great friendships. They merely divert us. One +would think that love meant the intellectual communion of spirits. But +that is nonsense. What an intellectual giant one would have had to be +to offer Goethe or Dante a worthy friendship. Yet Gemma Donati and +Christiane Vulpius were their mates, their equals in power, before whom +they willingly bowed and humbled themselves. Every sweet woman conceals +a secret of life that outweighs the wisdom of the greatest man, and for +which he would willingly barter all his treasures and yet count it too +small a price. + +Let us be patient, dear reader, and proceed carefully. My time of love +is past and yet the matter is as much of a mystery to me as ever. But +it is the work on which we are all employed, and I hold that first the +love between man and woman must be better regulated and understood +before we can proceed to friendship. + +Now I turn the jewel of my love-life a point about and contemplate +another facet as if to discover the hidden form of the crystal. + +Emmy Tenders was the first woman who, when I had grown from youth to +manhood, at once, absolutely, and completely won me without effort on +her part. She was the first woman I eagerly sought, though it was with +the deepest reverence and a shrinking fervor. But, as I said before, +probably ten years previous to this girls had sought me, detecting the +prospective man in me before I had myself become aware of him. This had +indeed flattered me and, as I have confessed, I had also found in the +glance from the eyes of some one of them promise of higher joy than my +boy friendships could give me - but with a peculiar obstinacy +inexplicable to myself, I had always repelled these approaches. Without +acting in obedience to boyish tradition, to whose influence I was never +subjected on account of my nomadic life, my own feeling made me see +something childish and unworthy in the association with girls and +women, while on the other hand I exalted my boy friendships as nobler +and manlier. + +But oh! the subtle and effective manner in which this avenged itself on +me. When later my time of seeking had come, and I was assailed and +driven by overwhelming passions, it then appeared that I had retained +the memory of these little adventures of childhood days with irritating +exactness, and there mingled with it a bitter feeling of regret for the +lost opportunities. The kiss blown me from a window in Naples, the +extraordinary, more than motherly cares of the hotel chambermaid in +Vienna, the roses pressed into my hands on the street by a young +Spanish girl somewhere in the south of France, the embrace and the kiss +on my cheek which I once suddenly felt in a dark garden where I stood +listening to some music and which I - oh, obstinate simpleton that I +was! - scornfully and indignantly repelled - how often and with what +teasing tenacity have they haunted me in my dreamy days and sleepless +nights, when the icy crust of boyish pride had long been melted, but +the girls had also grown proportionally more chary of their favors. And +even now with half a century intervening, I cannot watch this subtle +game of mutual hide-and-seek without a smile, and I recognize some +truth in my father's opinion that many a time it must indeed also +afford amusement to the Unseen One who secretly directs the figures of +this graceful dance. + +Remember, dear reader, that up to the time I met Emmy Tenders, I was +green as grass. It had never occurred to me to seek for any connection +between the wondrously blissful emotions of intimacy that continually +occupied me - and certain physical sensations which only alarmed me +because I thought them unhealthy. And yet I consider this very +connection well-nigh the most mysterious and interesting of all the +enigmas of life. And perhaps, as I, you too have always felt when +reading the writings of the great and distinguished lovers among +mankind, a certain want of exactness, which led me to exclaim: "But how +did you deal with that question?" + +My father fared in this matter like the man who dropped his glasses in +a dark room and when, after much hesitation and deliberation he very +carefully set down his foot, stepped precisely on the glass. He had +tried to bring me up with such extraordinary care and wisdom, and now +failed for that very reason. He encouraged my boyish scorn of girls and +courting and did not oppose my partiality for boy friendships. The +terrible risk I thereby ran of warping my sound and natural instinct +and thus making myself unhappy for life, he did not seem to see, and +when the time came to enlighten me in this regard he neglected to do +so. My very sensitive prudishness concerning everything pertaining to +my body he, rightly and to my gratitude, respected as long as possible. + +But when it became clear to him that I was seized with a glowing +passion for Emmy Tenders - and he must indeed have been very deaf and +blind not to notice my very apparent confusion and perplexity, my air +of abstraction, my brightening at everything that suggested her, my +pallor, my nocturnal wanderings abroad and my agonies of weeping in bed +- he considered the time for my final enlightenment come. + +Between two sensitive, proud and refined natures like my father and +myself, this was a most painful and most difficult task. But he +performed it with his customary undaunted determination. I have never +spent a more uncomfortable hour in my life. My father had brought books +and prints for better demonstration; he dared not look at me and +mumbled a good deal under his breath in a hollow voice. Beads of +perspiration stood on his brow. + +When he had left the room, nervous and embarrassed as a child who has +done wrong, my first thought was: a revolver. I was crushed and wanted +to end my life. But the secret, - the secret itself bound me to life. +The strange, attractive, mysterious, repulsive secret fascinated me too +much to leave it. + +Insensible with pain and humiliation, I went to my room. And there, +before I could help it, the name "Emmy" rose to my lips. I shivered, +crying out the name once more, now like a despairing shriek of +distress. Then I fell down upon my bed and wept as though I would weep +out my very heart. + +IV + +The type of men which my father called philistines has this common +characteristic, that for all wonders and mysteries they forthwith find +a convenient explanation. Does the truth not fit it exactly? Then they +do as did the Kaffir, who receiving as a present a much too narrow pair +of shoes, solved the difficulty by undauntedly chopping off his toes +and then, greatly delighted, went out walking in the precious gift. + +This time it was my father himself who pretended to see nothing strange +or mysterious in my deeply agitated state of mind. The substance of the +matter he had now explained to me scientifically, biologically, +physiologically and anatomically; to this nothing need be added nor did +it leave anything unexplained. + +My disgust, my profound horror and dejection at this simple increase of +knowledge which, as every new acquisition of knowledge, should have +delighted and edified me - Yes! for that there was no room in his +explanation, as little as for his own embarrassment while imparting it. +And therefore, without any sentimentality, these toes must be lopped +off so that the boot would fit. + +Reader, do not imagine that I demand of you deep regard and veneration +for the great foolish boy who lay helplessly weeping because of that +strange difference between men and flowers that with the former carries +so much discord into their most important vital function. + +I myself now softly laugh at my self of fifty years ago, not +scornfully, but with gentle irony - sympathetically. I pat the boy on +the shoulder and admonish him kindly: "Quiet, laddie, be not so +dismayed. We are a strange mingling of ape and angel. But try, as +quickly as possible, to reconcile yourself to this, then everything +becomes quite bearable. Do you think this same thing would have caused +like consternation to Emmy Tenders, if the knowledge but came to her in +the right way, that is to say the way of reverent love, and deep +devotion? She is indeed wiser. And had you learned it as a poet and +lover and not as a philistine then you too would not have found it so +appalling." + +But all this, dear reader, does not alter the mysterious and +distressing truth, and one cannot make disharmony bearable by denying +it. So much is certain that my father's assertion, declaring my horror +wholly unreasonable, affected me like an attempt at lopping off my toes +to make the boot fit. I resisted passionately, maintaining an +inexorable separation between my noble and lofty sentiments for Emmy +and the low and vile things my father had disclosed to me, and thus +wandered hastily and eagerly on the dangerous path whose course +branches out but once - one road leading to fanaticism and the other to +dissolute cynicism. + +This was my father's work. But I have never reproached him for it with +feelings of bitter resentment. Why not? Can we pronounce sentence, +reader, in a suit whereof the most important facts still lie in +impenetrable darkness? + +From my unimpassioned tribunal here in the dreamy and forgotten little +town, I hold acquittal for all who have strayed and gone to ruin in +Cupid's flowery and thorny labyrinth. For assuredly it is not of human +designing. + +That there is guilt I cannot deny. Every ill has a father and a mother, +and for once and all, we are accustomed to calling these parents sin +and guilt. But I follow the genealogical tree of these strange and +tender woes beyond Adam and Eve or the Pithecantropus Erectus, even +should I then have to launch my accusations at Powers which from +generation to generation have imprinted in us the belief in their +inviolability. + +And now observe what makes the matter still more strange and illogical. +I am not only of a very amorous but also of a very sensual nature. +Together with my strong susceptibility to the joys of soul communion +there went the mighty overpowering impulse of propagation. Before the +contact of these two currents had been brought about in such a painful +manner the low, dark, physical instinct had filled me with a continual +though not very distressing restlessness and with doubt concerning my +health. The splendid equilibrium of my other functions, that has +maintained itself to this day, always outweighed this doubt. + +But when the secret was half explained it became all the more absorbing +and enticing and so occupied my thoughts that, even now an old man, I +wonder again and again that a human brain can ponder over such +comparatively simple facts ad infinitum, without having them lose their +interest, and without really arriving at any conclusion. + +Physicians would speak of pathological conditions and of libido +sexualis. But I would point out to you, dear reader, that though there +may be very good and noble men among physicians, every physician of our +day without exception, in so much as he would be called a physician, is +at the same time also a philistine. With their explanations and their +fine words for things that are beyond their comprehension because their +science is still unpoetical and unphilosophical, they do not serve us +in the least. + +And how could one of these present-day sages reasonably explain to me +that in a noble and lofty human type such as I, certainly not without +some right, dared call myself, the very strong working of an impulse +common to all animals was coupled with an exaggerated sensitiveness for +its ignoble character? Were this impulse good and beautiful and in no +part ignoble, whence then my aversion? - were it really low and +unworthy, whence its presence, so impertinent and overpowering, in a +refined and highly cultured member of the human race? + +And if any would speak here of exceptions and strange freaks of nature, +should we not immediately bar his lips with a series of names all +shining in the history of mankind? Are we not acquainted with +Sophocles' very significant sigh of relief at being delivered from this +plague by his years? Is it without a deeper meaning that Dante on the +summit of the mount of redemption lets his dearest and most honored +poets do penance for this very weakness - Arnaut de Verigord, Guittons +of Arezzo and also Guido Guinicello his father and the father of all +those - + +che mai + +rime d'amore usar dolci e leggiadre. + +Did it stand differently with Dante himself, with Shelley, Byron, +Heine, Goethe? + +My father's deed arose from an imagined sense of duty, but had wholly +different consequences than he probably expected. He must surely have +thought that now, knowing what it implied, I would either steer +straight for matrimony or renounce my boyish love. He had +satisfactorily torn to pieces the veil of illusion that something +loftier and more mysterious than common propagation was concerned here +- woman's witchery which he knew and from which he wished to shield me. +He also expected my confidence and my appeal for advice in difficulties +and dangers of a kindred nature. + +But behold, I remained as ardently devoted and valiantly true to Emmy +as ever. I felt a desire to shield her with my life against the +baseness of this world and let my body serve her as a bridge across the +earthly pool of mire. And higher than ever, I held her image above +every profaning thought. I considered it a sacrilege to think of her as +one of the thousand females about me and to confound my love with the +wooing and wedding of the rest of the world. + +But with that, the passions suddenly awakened by my father, fed by a +vivid imagination and now craving recognition and liberty, were not +stilled. The slumbering hounds were aroused and clamored for food. And +as I had not the slightest intention of granting them what my father +pointed out as their natural and lawful portion, but what, as something +sacred and holy, I was determined to keep from their devouring jaws +cost what it would, they sought other food and threatened to destroy me. + +"But what would you do about it, old hermit?" the young reader will +ask; "what do you consider a model solution of the question?" + +I would do nothing about it, young reader! + +The old Muralto is not called to draw up for you a scheme of life. He +only shoves his little lamp ahead as far as he can reach into the +darkness. For the confusion and the rubbish thus brought to light he is +not responsible and each must see for himself how he finds his way +through. + +The hounds want food, that is certain. And, whether intentionally or +not, some day they will be awakened; from that, too, there is no +escaping. Blessed is he who can forthwith offer them their proper prey. +And woe to him who thinks that, without danger to himself, he can let +them starve to death or seek for booty unbridled! + +And would you retain the confidence of your children do not threaten to +mutilate the feet of their sensibilities for the sake of a narrow +theory. I myself at least, after what I had experienced, would sooner +have gone to the nearest police agent for intimate advice, than back to +my father. + +Emmy's home was situated in London on the Thames. The smooth +emerald-green, well-trimmed lawn with the multi-colored flower-borders, +and the blue porcelain vases, extended to the water, and there on +summer afternoons the family sat on the cane chairs partaking of tea, +feeding the swans swimming by, and watching the gay traffic, - the +multitude of graceful little crafts with fashionably dressed men and +women in softly blending tones of green, violet, pink and white, the +muscular gig-rowers in training, shooting by with a regular swish of +oars and followed by shouting friends on horseback; the competitors in +a swimming match making their way amidst all this tumult cheered on +every side; the luxuriant houseboats floating by, full of flowers and +happy people, from which echoed strains of music and a flood of light +emanated at night. + +I lived in the suburbs with my father, and when I mingled with the +bright, merry, fair and innocent human world, then all my father had +told me seemed but an ugly fairy-tale. + +But London is a strange and, for a person of my temperament, a most +dangerous city. The glamour of angelic human purity is so successfully +assumed there that it makes itself all the more glaringly and horribly +manifest, and exercises a more exciting influence, when the black demon +suddenly leers at us from behind the veil. + +Not only Emmy Tenders, but every woman of her type and race, every +cultured English woman, possessed for me something lofty, something +holy and irreproachable. The women of other countries still bore some +resemblance to the female animal; there I could still conceive and +imagine this fatal humiliation; but an English woman seemed so pure, so +noble, so chaste and yet so candidly innocent that her mere presence +sufficed to drive away all impure thoughts. And of all English women, +Emmy Tenders was indeed the sweetest and purest. When I saw her again +all anxiety and horror vanished. I was completely happy and also +thankful that no revolver had been within my reach in that dark moment +following the revelation. That summer's afternoon by the Thames amid +the merry family group some vague conception dawned in me that Emmy's +wondrous power would have made pure all that appeared ugly and vile to +me, if only the revelation had come to me through her. + +But it seems indeed that the English rely too much upon the cleansing +power of innocence in their woman. And it is curious how public opinion +among this prudish nation will permit exhibitions of unabashed +flirtation which would be publicly tolerated in probably no other part +of Europe and certainly not in Asia or Africa. In the light, graceful +little boat I glided over the sparkling river amid the tender summer's +bloom which clothed everything with a charm of fairyland and facing me, +on the silken cushions, sat my beloved, in her white dress, holding the +cords of the rudder. And to the left and right, under the shadowing +branches of the drooping willows, my now wide-opened eyes saw pairs of +lovers, each in their own boat, in affectionate attitudes that greatly +embarrassed and distressed me. Emmy did not seem to see them or +appeared to be wholly undisturbed thereby. Then it occurred to me that +I myself must be to blame here and that a peculiar inborn depravity +made the natural appear so hideous to me and obtrude itself so plainly +on my view. And all the more I honored and admired the pure creature +the bright mirror of whose soul the impure breath of the world could +not dim, and to whom the human love-life seemed as natural, common and +unexciting as to the naturalist or ancient philosopher. + +The old hermit and philosopher Muralto would here remark, that the +young poetic lover Muralto was a long distance from the sage. It has +indeed occurred to the old man, though seldom, thank heaven, despite +his many years, that he could regard the human love-life like a +naturalist or an old satiated philosopher without the pleasing +distress, the sweet excitement of former days - yet he did not feel +better and wiser at such times, but deeply mourned a precious loss. I +may err, reader, but consider the words of experience! + +And in these same ardent days of first true love the giant city exposed +herself to my now enlightened eyes in all her disharmony. And I, who in +wanton Paris had passed as an innocent child through a hotbed of +sensuality and a hailstorm of seduction, on a single twilight eve in +London had four or five encounters the particulars of which remained in +my memory as barbed arrows remain imbedded in the flesh, smarting and +itching and burning like the thorny fibres of cactus or sweetbriar seed +with which one has come into too close contact. + +When the women of my country, of a Latin race, cast away their pride +and, from need or indifference, make the game of love their profession, +they still retain a natural and charming glamour and play the sorry +game with a certain grace and conviction as a poor homage to the lofty +secret which they must needs desecrate. + +But the English or German woman who lays aside her chastity - God be +gracious to these bunglers! - casts off her modesty as downrightly as +though she were glad that she need not carry it longer - no! let us say +as though the greater depth of her fall resulted also in a more +absolute hopelessness of ever arising again. Cold, businesslike and +practical, they carry on their profession and regard the human +love-life as unmoved and unexcited as a naturalist or an old +philosopher. + +But just this class distinction, this sharp and dreadful contrast +between the pure English woman, so nobly represented in my queenly +love, and the creatures who, fifty years ago and probably to the +present day, toward twilight haunted the fine London parks and in the +most unabashed manner reminded me of the recently received fatherly +disclosures - just this stirred the newly aroused passions within me to +an untamable uproar. The tormented hungry dogs raged blindly. + +Was the noble creature that filled my heart too good for them - well: +they would then procure for themselves other food. Eat they would, +though it were hideous carrion! The tormented dogs became wolves, +became hyenas. + +Let this not arouse your indignation, dear reader. I gladly believe +that your beasties never caused you much trouble, that they were +willingly satisfied with lettuce leaves, or would probably also fast at +will, or submit contentedly to the matrimonial leash. Possibly they +were marmots. But did you yourself rear this tractable race? Then count +not yours the honor nor mine the shame, but accord both to that unknown +Breeder who followed the genealogical tables and selected the mothers +and fathers, uniting them with delicate discernment and hidden design. +The pasturing of docile cattle involves no honor or glory, and I choose +to render account of my pasturage to him alone who knew, better than I, +what he did when he entrusted me with the savage drove. + +Neither let it surprise you that my love for Emmy could not drive away +the impure images and destroy their power of attraction. The +reconciliation of ape and angel that our human nature demands had, +thanks to my father's bungling match-making, gone fatally wrong. A +hopeless separation had arisen, the angel seemed inaccessible and the +beast sought his own wild paths. My thoughts would suffer no +desecration of Emmy's sacredness. But the fatherly lesson had startled +up in me a seething swarm of thoughts as difficult to direct or drive +away as a roomful of flies. I could scarcely keep them off the one +white lily in my chamber, what wonder then that the stinking carrion +brought from the nocturnal London parks was black with them? + +V + +Emmy was nineteen years old when I made her acquaintance, and I was +sixteen, but fully developed at that age, as is not unusual in my +country. For three years I courted her, steadfastly, but in a curiously +capricious and inconsistent way, with all the changes of an all-daring +and naught-fearing devotion, wildly-blazing happiness, sudden shyness +and trembling shrinking, violent dismay, self-reproach, deep +self-contempt - all this being caused by the confusion and the strife +in the intimate household of my soul. + +Emmy was, as I can now say without partiality, a good, dear, natural +and simple child, born to make an excellent and loving housewife and +consort. + +How often I imagine that I, the patriarch of to-day, with my present +knowledge, would have stepped between the two and easily steered the +two little boats into safe currents on a joint and prosperous journey. +So little would have been needed, a little hint, a loving word of +direction, a gentle stay - and everything would have been well. But +these are idle and tormenting after-thoughts, perhaps quite erroneous +too. + +I was not so undesirable a suitor, even though I was three years her +junior. Emmy's parents were liberal-minded, like most English people +not insensible to rank and title, and would surely not have precluded +the young noble Italian from their family, even though he had been +brought up in the Catholic faith. + +Thus the amiable child complacently bore with my stormy adoration, less +hidden by me than is customary among the English, schooled in +self-restraint; she waited patiently; gently, almost imperceptibly, +encouraging me the while until I should be old enough to dare press my +suit more urgently. It sometimes seemed to me as though a girl was much +less curious and surprised, and, from out a hidden well, much sooner +and better informed concerning the course of the coming mysteries than +a boy. She does not think about it and would not be able to express it, +and yet she knows everything at the right time, as though the body had +thought for her. + +Though our travelling life continued still, my father stopped oftener +and longer in London than in any other place, as though yielding to the +unpronounced pressure of his son. Perhaps this time he purposely wished +to submit me to the flames, my reserve hiding from him the true state +of my heart and my thoughts. + +And when, after our first meeting, we were again on our way, it was +Emmy who gave the first timid sign to enter into correspondence. On St. +Valentine's day, the significance of which I knew full well, a colored +scrap-picture arrived, representing a rosy woman's hand with elegantly +curved finger tips offering a bouquet of blue forget-me-nots. The +source from whence it came was evident enough to me, and I, awkward +churl, was rude enough to send her a rapturous letter of thanks for it, +which of course met with a very cool rejection and denial. + +At long as I was away from London I had comparative peace. I thought +about my beloved, wrote to her and of her in my diary and studied the +subjects which my father, who wished to make a diplomat of me, +appointed. I spent the winter with him in Berlin, but there I noticed +nothing of the London scandal, though I fully realized that something +of the sort could not well be missing in the big city. All my thoughts +of love, the pure and beautiful as well as its base desecration, +swarmed about the great, gray, smoke-darkened and fog-bound city across +the sea. + +Just as the elements of our sensually visible being, the cells of the +body, manifest a peculiar life and independent nature, so the elements +of our invisible being - the desires and passions - seem to be beings +with a peculiar nature. They are like animals and children, hearkening +to the voice that first called them, following the habits first taught +them, curiously stubborn in the errors grown habitual to them in youth, +and with a strange tendency toward the lower, as though falling through +the influence of a gravitation. + +I had my "low" and my "lofty" times, as I called them. Sometimes for +weeks and months my thoughts would be pure and tranquil: then they +would be again suddenly aroused by some trifling cause - sometimes +mental: a newspaper article, a conversation overheard - sometimes +physical: a little fête, carrying on their harassing and tormenting +game, constantly repeating and circling around the same facts and +words, throughout entire sleepless nights, gnawing and picking at these +never satiating subjects, so offensive and yet so attractive, as a dog +gnaws at an old whitened bone. + +Especially in a time of dejection and gloom, when the world offered me +no flower of outward beauty, the imagination immediately sought comfort +in that which was always exciting, always charming and intriguing, and +never satiated or vexed me. Neither study nor physical exercise had the +power to restrain the arbitrary course of the thoughts; the mind +possessed no weapons against them. + +A feverish suspense beset me when it became certain that I was to see +Emmy again. A clear apprehension had already been born in me that only +her presence, her encouragement, her devotion could redeem me. And when +I saw her cordially bowing from the carriage that awaited us at the +suburban station on a bright, sunny May day, and went to meet her +trembling and dizzy with emotion, and seeing nothing of the great world +about me save her hair, golden in the sunlight, the white dress, the +broad-brimmed straw hat and the shining eyes - I really believed that I +was saved, and I no longer wavered in my heart and was positively +determined that I actually wanted her for my wife, no matter what a +saint she might be and how unworthy I. + +Thus everything might have come out right, but things do not run so +smoothly in this world. I was seventeen and Emmy twenty. There still +followed weeks, long months - melancholy moods returned again, +discouragements - there were also walks through the dusky parks. And +the hungry dogs continued to whine and to howl and the thought-flies +continued to buzz and to defile themselves. Man may be reasonable and +patient; he has natures to control, apparently for his own good, that +are neither reasonable nor patient; that themselves never rest and +demand guidance from a spirit, that does need rest; that always want to +have their own way, and yet sink fatally downward if the government of +the mind leaves them unguarded. And these are given us by nature, as we +are told, the same nature which according to my father is always good +if man does not spoil her. + +So as not to disturb you by exciting your imagination, dear reader, +which might make the driving of your own team more troublesome to you, +I shall mention no particulars of my struggle and my defeat. This +precaution of an old man need not hurt you. + +I fell under the joint influence of the following things: the fatally +arisen rupture between corporal and spiritual desires, - the sharp +contrast between English purity and English lewdness that, with its +incomprehensible contradiction, has as exciting an effect as the dog in +the duck-yard, who decoys the inquisitive ducks into the mouth of the +strangler, - and finally the accursed self-contempt that makes one say: +"There's nothing lost with me anyway." + +With his attention so steadily fixed upon me, my father could not +remain without suspicion. He came to my room one morning, installed +himself there, and said: + +"I hope, Vico mio, that you have remained and will remain a nobleman in +all things." + +When we Italians perceive that someone would enter upon a friendly +conversation with us, we look upon it as an invitation to set up +together and complete a small work of art, and we gladly give it an +attentive hearing and zealously assist with careful application, so +that something good and fine be brought forth. When I hear two +Hollanders carrying on a conversation, it sounds more like children of +a village school repeating their penal task, careless, slipshod, +unwilling and embarrassed - if only they get it over with. + +"My father," I answered, "I believe I know quite well how you wish a +nobleman to be, but perhaps I do not know how he should comport himself +in everything. Do you refer to any particular circumstance, or are you +speaking generally?" + +"If you recognize generally that a nobleman must avoid all intimate +intercourse with ignoble persons, Vico, - the particular instances that +I have in mind are therein included." + +"That is plain, father. But yet I have something more to ask. First +this: do you call it intimate intercourse where the spirit on either +side remains at an infinite distance? And then this: can a nobleman +have ignoble desires?" + +I saw my father start painfully. Slowly and eyeing me sharply, he said: + +"I fear, Vico, that I must speak plainly here, too. To the first I make +this reply: It is certain that we have a body, but of a spirit that can +separate itself from this body we know nothing and have no single +proof. And as concerns the second question: natural desires are never +ignoble as long as they remain in the natural channels." + +"Without agreeing to the first," I replied, "I shall let it rest, +because our natures are too different, and we do not understand each +other anyway. But your answer to the second gives me much to ask. If a +desire in me is natural and thus not ignoble, how then can it drive me +to ignoble things? Are all natural desires good in all men? And how do +I distinguish between natural and noble desires and unnatural and +ignoble desires?" + +"Have you no power of discrimination for that, Vico?" my father asked. + +"If I use my discrimination, father, I call ignoble what my father +calls natural." + +My father arrested the conversation a moment to reflect. Then he +realized that in order not to lose more ground, he must turn from the +general to the particular. + +"Let us beware, son, lest we become entangled in words. I have happily +established that we both have an aversion from the vile and low. Take +care then, that is all I wished to say, that you do not come into +contact with it." + +"But the vile and low in me desires contact with the vile and low in +others," said I, bitterly. + +My father grew impatient and said: + +"I don't believe in this baseness and vileness in you. The popes surely +talked you into that when you were a child. I understand that you have +to deal with desires and passions that are absolutely not unnatural or +bad, but very common at your age. But do not seek relief from them with +unworthy, licentious persons. Of the great danger I have already warned +you, have I not? Do not forget that in a few moments you can, through +defilement, devastate your entire life." + +"I do not forget that, father." + +"Very well, but you should also be too proud to trouble yourself about +such low-graded creatures." + +"I would gladly have reason to be proud. But what is passing on in me +is well suited to keep me humble. Can you deliver me from all this +lowness and ugliness? You yourself have aroused it in me." + +"I?" my father called, frowning angrily. + +"By your scientific explanations. Before that time I had comparative +peace. Now I am desperate, like a captive and tormented cat. It will +end badly with me, father, that is certain. I foresee it, and can do +nothing to prevent it. I can put out my eyes and chop off my hands, but +I cannot control my thoughts and drive away these visions. That is +beyond human power. I shall go to the bad, that is certain, and then +the sooner the better. There's not so much lost with me." + +With an anxious, painful eagerness my father listened to these first +outspoken words. Then he said with a little laugh, half pitying, half +scornful: + +"One thing is plain to me now, my boy, that you must get married soon. +Well, happily you need not seek long or fear a refusal. You can get of +the very finest that wears a petticoat. Don't be bashful, Vico! You +have a noble name, pure blood, a handsome face, and a fine, strong, +healthy body. I shall supply the money. Be calm, my boy, you can have +what you want for the asking." + +I got up, deeply indignant. I believe that I laughed a theatrical laugh. + +"Most decidedly your meaning is that I should make use of a pure and +holy being, whose name I am not worthy to pronounce, as a safety valve, +a preservative, a drain for my own foul and low passions. I assure you +that, had it not been my father who had spoken such words to me, I +would have challenged the man." + +My father attempted a pitying smile, but it was artificial and painful: + +"Good heavens, Vico! what exaggerated, impossible, fanatical nonsense! +Then were all mothers who bore children drains for their husbands? Do +be calm and reasonable, lad! You are not unworthy, your passions are +not foul and low, whoever got that into your head? Your mother, surely, +and her black friends. It's terrible how a mother can early poison the +thoughts of her child." + +"If one of my parents poisoned my thoughts, then it was not my mother. +I realize my unworthiness through my own consciousness, not through +outside persuasion. But my father cannot understand that, because he is +a stranger to my deepest and most sacred feelings. Even though your +advice had been good, father, your manner of expressing it would +already have repelled me. But, moreover, your advice is idle. An +English girl of twenty does not marry a young man of seventeen, and in +three years from now I'll be lost anyway, hopelessly lost. I foresee +that positively. And oh! what does it matter? It's only I, after all!" +Scornfully shrugging my shoulders, I ran about the room. My father +lifted both hands to his forehead and stared into vacancy with a look +full of gloom, long-nurtured wrath and desperation. I still remember +that look and wonder that I was not more painfully struck by it at the +time. After a while he got up, sighed, and with the words, "We shall +see!" he walked out of the room. + +Again the poor man had brought about the contrary of what he wished to +attain. One impression, above all, I retained from the conversation - +it was that my mother would surely understand me and perhaps save me. I +knew that she still lived and I also knew the name of our country seat. +For the first time since our departure from home the thought of writing +to her entered my mind. Amid many tears I composed a long, passionate +letter to her that night, in which I told of all my tortures, my +raptures, my struggles, my wondrous love and my deep self-degradation +and self-contempt. I gave no facts, for young, sensitive, passionate +letter writers seldom do, but prefer keeping to general terms. Nor did +I employ a single religious expression, because I had really completely +forgotten the brief maternal education, and simply translated elemental +feeling of the heart into language most current to me. + +"Help me, dearest mother," I wrote. "Help me. I know that you alone can +do it. I have never forgotten you, and every day and night have thought +of you. I still see you as distinctly as though I had left you only +yesterday. I am a strange and terrible riddle to myself, and father, +alas! cannot understand me. He speaks of nature that is always good, +and says that my desires are natural and therefore good. But to me +these desires seem ugly and despicable and the nature that drives me to +them not at all good. He cannot understand this. Nature torments and +tortures me. And no matter how I battle I see no deliverance. And at +the same time, I adore a wondrous being, an angel of purity. And my +father says that I must transfer the desires which I consider +despicable to this sacred beloved. And that is a terrible thought to +me. I love her with a passionate, boundless love, but I tremble to +touch her with my impure lips. I harbor thoughts that would make me die +of shame in her presence. And with my sordid depravities I am fit only +for the low creatures, just as unhappy as I, whom I see running about +here and who address me occasionally. Tell me, dearest mother, is there +still help for me, is there still redemption? What is that nature of +which my father speaks? Is it a thing or a thinking being, and how can +it be good, always good, and bring me into such terrible straits and +make me so unhappy?" + +In this strain I wrote many pages and sent them off at a venture +without much hope. And for two weeks I vainly went to the post-office +every day, toward the last without the least hope. + +But the answer came after all and I hid myself with it in my room, +securely bolted, and with trembling hands I tore the envelope and +kissed the paper and for a long time could not read for the tears that +streamed from my eyes. + +And when the contents, like a warm flood of tender benediction, seemed +to pour itself out over my benumbed and tormented heart, of course I +cried and kissed all the more and with greater fervor. We Italians are +always a little, what here in my small town would be called, theatrical +and affected, even though we be wholly without witnesses. + +VI + +I am proud of it that so many years ago I already addressed to my +mother the question which, as far as I know, the best philosophers have +never put to themselves with sufficient stress. Even those who by +preference call themselves natural philosophers, thus those who have +offered their lives to the service of Nature, who have sacrificed +everything to understand her, who never speak of her without reverence +and admiration and never cease praising her beauty, her bounty and the +peace she bestows upon her scholars and admirers - even they, with +amazing carelessness, forget to apprise us whether they consider her +dead or living, a being or a thing, a thinking, feeling, clearly +conscious and responsible Deity, or a blind, senseless force; and +finally to teach us how we can persist in our praise and homage in the +face of so much torture, so many monstrous faults, so much relentless +cruelty. + +Nature worship is the religion which unobserved makes the most +proselytes nowadays. Even the druggist of my little town, who is a +clever botanist, has gradually renounced his slack Protestantism for an +ardent and devout nature worship. When he accompanies me to my nursery +occasionally, on his search for plants, he can be stirred to truly +southern enthusiasm at the sight of insects, birds, plants, trees, +meadows, - all the wonders of his adored "Nature." His Bible had to +make place for a periodical entitled "Living Nature," but dead nature - +the clouds, the sea and the stars - inspires in him no slighter +enthusiasm. This is all very lovable, but I often find it quite +difficult not to cause the good man embarrassment by asking him where +he considers that his beloved Nature ends and something else begins. +Whether he counts man and their products also as a part of nature, and +if so, why his admiration should make a sudden turn before the slums of +Amsterdam; and if not, or only partly, what peculiar something it then +is that has created so curious a product as man, and yet should be the +opponent and enemy of, and debarred from, the great good and beautiful +unity of all other things. + +Yes, yes, dear reader, I know that men do a great deal of thoughtless +babbling, and in a vague and careless way prate of Mother Nature, and +beautiful Nature and human nature, and so on and so forth, without even +knowing or distinguishing with the slightest degree of exactness what +they really say or mean. But yet there have also been those among my +fellows and good friends, like my amiable comrade Spinoza, and my +greatly beloved friend Goethe, who did not care in the least for hollow +phrases and also well-nigh constantly thought about these things, and +who yet never proved with sufficient force men's right to praise Nature +as much as they do, to bring all that is knowable into her domain and +yet to judge of some of her products, as let us say: baboons, tyrants, +grand inquisitors, drunkards, philistines, modern buildings and bad +verses, in an ethically and aesthetically disapproving sense and, +moreover, to call this opinion natural. + +See then, the answer I received from my mother was quite as plausible +to a young mind. She really seemed to have a nail for every hole and a +hole for every nail. + + +"Nature, my dear son," she wrote, "is blind and subject to sin. Through +a Divine decree which we cannot penetrate she has been delivered over +to Satan. But to offset nature there is the miracle. That is the wonder +of Divine grace, through which we can find redemption from sin. The +blood of Christ is the medium of redemption, and nothing more is +required of us than to believe in Christ and in the redeeming power of +his blood. Then the Miracle of Grace shall be performed in us and none +can fall so deeply into sin, but faith in Christ can bring him +salvation, and powerfully as nature works toward corruption, the +miracle has wrought things + + +'a che natura + +non scaldo ferro mai, ne batta incude.'" + + +The letter whereof this is a fragment made a profound impression on me. +In the first place it came as a tangible, living token of the mother, +so greatly venerated and adored - well-nigh as a departed saint; then, +too, it awakened old, tender, childish feelings by the familiar tones +of piety, which now struck my more experienced ears as something +entirely new. And with the eager enthusiasm natural to me I thankfully +and reverently accepted each of these proffered thoughts, fitting and +arranging them until they seemed exactly to fill the gap which I had +discovered in my spiritual life. + +Exactly! Nature's trend is downward through the influence of Satan who +draws us. This was just what I had felt. On the other side is God, who +also draws us - but upward. That, too, I had felt. Thus at times nature +is left to its own desires and Satan free to allure. Why? You must not +ask. Divine decree. To a certain extent this is perhaps transferring +the difficulty, but once thus firmly pronounced, - the door shuts +unhesitatingly - the spirit becomes reconciled to it. Of course, +something impenetrable may remain! + +And now the salvation: Christ. + +It was the first time this word was brought into the field of my +vision, like a new plant that I saw sprouting in the garden of my life. +Now, after fifty years, it is not yet full grown, but gives promise of +blossom and fruit. Marvellous are the transformations it has undergone. + +First I seemed to hear a word devoid of sense, and knew not what to do +with it. A man, a God, a human-God, a Divine Man - all well and good, +but what was that to me? Words, words. Satan who drew me downward I had +felt, God who drew me upward I had felt. Of Christ I felt nothing. The +assurance that he had lived, died and was risen again, did not affect +me as long as he remained imperceptible to me. + +Now I had gained the impression that Emmy knew more of him. It was +customary in her family to offer morning prayers, and when I heard her +pronounce the words: "Jesus Christ, our Lord," she did it with such +expressive fervor that I could not doubt but that she positively knew +whereof she spoke. At the time I had not yet learned the creative power +of the suggested word. + +So, in the course of a merry morning gallop, I, queer suitor that I +was, began to theologize with the dear girl and asked her squarely: +"Emmy, who is Christ?" + +Now in my artlessness I had thought that anyone questioned by an +earnest and not indifferent person, about a good acquaintance and dear +friend, would manifest pleasure and gladly and heartily give the +desired information. But Emmy seemed exceedingly surprised and even +alarmed, as though the question did not at all please her, but more +evidently distressed her. + +"Don't you know that?" she said in a somewhat sullen and reserved tone +of voice. "I thought you were religious." + +"I surely am, Emmy, but that is why I want to know more of him." + +"But aren't you Catholics taught that?" Emmy asked. + +"To be sure, Emmy, but that does not satisfy me. It tells me nothing. I +also want to feel that Christ is and what he is." + +"Do you wish to turn Protestant? + +"That makes no difference to me. I only do not want to use words +without knowing what they mean. When you say, 'Jesus Christ, our Lord,' +it seems as though you really knew what you meant with it." + +"Of course I know!" said Emmy, the least bit crossly. + +"Can't you make it clear to me, then?" + +To my continued astonishment Emmy seemed to think this an unpleasant +topic of conversation. It seemed as though she wanted to get it over +with. She began, as though unwillingly, about God who had been born a +man, had died for our sins, had risen again. + +"No, Emmy, all that means nothing to me. It may all be very true, but +what good is that to me now? If he died, well then, he is dead -" + +"He is risen again," Emmy said quickly and almost angrily. + +"Then he never died either; then it's folly to speak of dying. Is death +still death when you know you will rise again directly? I'm willing to +be killed three times a day then; no one is so much afraid of the bit +of pain. Thus Christ still lives, - very well! then I ask: How do I +become aware of that? By what am I apprised of it? What is he really +then, and whereby should I know him if I saw him?" + +"You must believe in him," Emmy said, still more or less crossly. + +The verb "to believe" that Emmy used has an auxiliary with less +favorable meaning. In English "to make believe" is in other words to +impose on a person's credulity. It was as though this thought had made +me suspicious and I began to surmise that Emmy's anxiety and anger were +akin to that of the schoolgirl who is praised for a composition which +she has copied from another. But surely it was in perfect good faith +that the dear girl thought to believe what people had made her believe. +As with everyone under suggestive influence, her deceived personality, +without being clearly conscious of it, repelled any critical pressure +that might bring to light the unreality of the imprinted image. How +sorely I tormented the artless maiden at the time with my naive and +inexorably insistent questioning! And how glad she was when at last I +abandoned the Christ question and began to talk of tennis and croquet! + +Although unformulated, yet this conversation positively revealed to me +that Emmy in truth knew nothing of Christ, but used the word on her +parents' and society's authority, and as a corresponding reality +possessed nothing but a vague, fleeting phantom of a good and beautiful +man with long hair and pointed beard, who was dead and yet living, - a +man and yet God, existing everywhere and nowhere, and who on account of +all these contradictory qualities is probably most easily known and +addressed in pictures and images, which cannot and need not resemble +him, with words that are pleasantly ingratiating through the familiar +tones of precious associations. + +But I had readily adopted from my father his scorn for this kind of +faith in imprinted unrealities and suggested images, and I still retain +it as the greatest treasure he left to me, covering all his sin toward +me. + +Surely there is no illusion - there are only grades of reality; and +what we call phantasmagorias are merely very fleeting realities, +created by man, in comparison to the eternal and immutable realities +which we apprehend with our soul and our senses, and which must be of +higher origin. But we will not give to human creations honors alone due +to the Divine, and will not pronounce hollow words nor adore suggested +phantoms. + +Thus the Christ idea of the maternal gift had as yet no value for me - +but even so I was rich with the ideas of God and Satan as the causes of +this sad discord and confusion in my soul. Now all that was necessary +was to fight Satan and to call on God for aid. Mother's advice had +been: "Pray and chastise and subdue the flesh." I tried it immediately +with trusting ardor, and behold! 't was true - it really helped. I +hardly dared believe it myself, it seemed almost too good. + +I prayed night and morning in my own, original, upright way, to the +power which I felt as an uplifting influence, calling it God. + +I imposed penalties upon myself, denying myself wine and delicate food, +bathing a great deal in ice-cold water, clothing myself insufficiently, +making forced marches on foot, and when Satan again seemed to be +getting the upper hand, even sleeping beside my bed on the hard floor. +For that I would rather go up with God than down with Satan - well I of +that I was most positively convinced. It is strange with what blind +arrogance man can consider himself an exception in this regard, as +though anyone on earth would enjoy and prefer descending into the deep +with Satan than ascending with God on high. And it may be called even +stranger that I went to all this trouble, the while the maternal wisdom +deemed salvation possible only through a miracle, which I, certainly, +could not compel, and by faith in Christ which, though I honestly +desired to, I could not awaken in myself. + +The little fish did not see that by these evolutions it had even now +entered the encircling meshes of the net which would land it into the +same suggested faith from which it had once before turned away in alarm. + +For the evolutions helped, there was no doubt about that. I soon felt +more cheerful, braver, and above all, purer and stronger. Satan, if not +absolutely routed, yet seemed to be considerably intimidated. I rowed, +played cricket and croquet, studied, rode horseback, went walking in +the country, not in the dangerous parks. I did not consider the infamy +of my fall wiped out and maintained a respectful aloofness from my +beloved, as one unworthy of her. But I saw her often and worshipped and +adored her to my heart's content, without thinking far ahead. + +This success was not the result of a miracle, nor of faith in Christ, +but probably of the glad shock produced by mother's letter and of a +strong auto-suggestion. But it seemed to confirm her wisdom and thus +prepared the susceptibility to deeper suggestions. + +During these exercises of virtue Satan's image through its +countervailing influence became ever clearer to me. The crafty, evil +power, whose existence I had officially recognized by my declaration of +war, was obviously flattered and manifested itself with stronger +reality. At the time I did not yet know that suggestion can engender +reality, and that all actions are also auto-suggestions. + +Satan retreated, hid himself, surreptitiously arose again, awaited his +chance, taking advantage of unguarded and weak moments, and in one word +demeaned himself as a very live and sagacious Satan. + +His cleverest artifice consisted in finally taking advantage of my +excess of virtue. After a few weeks of self-torture, over-fatigue, +scant food, little sleep and insufficient clothing, I naturally fell +ill, and the kind Tenders family would not hear of it that I should be +tended elsewhere than in their own home. + +Behold Satan's splendid chance, which he turned to excellent account. +He kept still as a mouse; no impure thoughts, no visions, no +troublesome dreams annoyed me. The hungry dogs which I had now come to +look upon as Satan's faithful domestic pets were hushed, first by the +auto-suggestion, subsequently by my illness, and finally by the promise +clearly betrayed in my actions, that I would grant them nobler prey. +Indeed, though I did not acknowledge it to myself, to what else could +it lead - these daily more tender and ardent relations between the +desperately enamored and speedily recuperating patient and the dear +nurse, assuredly not insensitive to his adoration? The flame of +martyrdom was swiftly quenched with beef tea, soft-boiled eggs and +sweet malaga wine, and I could not possibly recognize Satan's voice in +these gentle commands to self-indulgence, nor could I think to honor +God by disobedience to such a charming mistress. + +What a time! what a time! all the way from my nursery to my house I +have been smiling in anticipation of my afternoon hours of literary +activities, smiling and smiling in sweet remembrance. The children by +the wayside got nickels instead of pennies, and the fisherman who lay +caulking his boat hauled up on shore in the little harbor peered out +from under the scow with an attentive expression as though he would +say: "Well, bless my heart, and if the old gentleman ain't gone and got +a jag on this morning!" + +I am indeed blissfully intoxicated with the heady aroma of these long +past days of young love! the sound of her approaching footsteps in the +morning, the rustling of her gown before I beheld her, as she came to +bring me some dainty which she had concocted for my regalement. And the +merry little chats, when she would at first sit on the chair beside my +bed, but later perchance also on the edge of the bed. And once at the +very end, when I was to get up the following day, and thanked her for +all her loving care, she bent over me, and before either of us really +knew what we were about - so it seemed to me at least, perhaps her +consciousness was clearer - we had kissed each other on the lips. And +the blessed tears I shed when she had gone, - for the undeserved grace +of this happiness, which yet never could endure, - these are things, +are they not, dear reader? which we usually look upon as the very +highest summits of our earthly joys, that still shine most radiantly +when our sun is near its setting. But know then too that joy and bliss +are of more imperishable matter than rock and glacier, and that very +sublime beauty is more clearly perceived from a distance. Long ago, I +have observed that most happiness can be valued best when it lies a +certain distance behind us, and one must grow old to taste the full +flavor of beauty at the very moment of perception. + +There still followed a few lovely days of glorious summer weather, +which I spent in a hammock stretched above the smooth green turf +between the oaks. I saw the round sun shadows upon the grass, the +sparkling, gently flowing Thames, the white swans, the gaily crowded +boats, the kindly, happy people about me, and in their midst, as the +sunny kernel of joy, the wavy, golden hair of her whom I loved best, +and who only lent the true radiance to all this summer glory. I read +Heine and listened to Schumann, and I breathed the subtle penetrating +fragrance of the linden blossoms, the wonderful fragrance full of +poignant melancholy and sweet longing that does not touch our senses +ere love has deeply nestled in our Heart. I had travelled through so +many lands and yet had never smelled the perfume of the linden +blossoms, so that it was as though the great linden tree had become +fragrant through Emmy's wondrous power just as she made the golden +summer sun truly to shine. + +But then I was restored to health and the lovely, lazy life was ended. +And Emmy, mindful of our last rather unsatisfactory conversation on +horseback and perhaps also to offer an antidote for Heine, brought me a +small New Testament as a parting gift, which I gratefully and +reverently pressed to my heart and began to peruse diligently. + +VII + +Now the crafty devil held me securely in his meshes and could display +himself without having the terrified little fish swim away. My body, +now strong again and refreshed, wanted Emmy for my wife in the +ordinary, human, time-honored way. It made this known with undeniable +distinctness, without concerning itself in the least about my exalted +scruples. Women can still cherish the illusion that kisses and embraces +have no deeper significance; a man is more distinctly warned; and I +really think it not at all kindly of the great and noted lovers that +they so often profess ignorance in that respect, thus misleading the +reader. + +Satan could grin perfidiously now at the fix I was in. The shame of my +unworthiness could, perhaps, have been wiped out with the help of +Emmy's magnanimous forgiveness. Such an absolution is not unusual in +the world of romance, and quite the rule in the actual world. But the +body absolutely would not bear of postponement, and though +circumstances were ever so favorable to me, yet modesty and convention, +yes, even practical common sense, demanded a few years more of waiting. + +A few years - how lightly these periods are set and written down in the +love stories, from the time of father Jacob's seven years - and how +terribly different is their significance for the man of different +temperament. + +The Old Testament shepherd lad may perhaps have borne it in good stead +- but if we try to be frank, dear reader, what then may we suppose that +such periods hide for the man of modern civilization, of wrong, of +corruption, of unworthy transactions between the moral, ideal and +natural reality? + +When but recently come to England, I had read the statement in one of +Thackeray's books that possibly there might be pure women, but +certainly no pure man, and with youthful arrogance I had sworn a solemn +oath that I would make him out a liar. This was the first of the fine +set of broken, patched and mended oaths with which the quarrelling +household of my soul was gradually fitted out. And one would think that +the ambition for the collecting of this precious and breakable +bric-à-brac should not be so generally praised and encouraged. I, at +least, have had to pay dearly for this hobby, and with melancholy, +struggles, self-torment, self-reproach and continuous worry it has +embittered the best years and the most beautiful emotions of my life. +And if now, in the end, I, at least, saw the way clear, dear reader! - +but truly! if I should have to begin again, from the very beginning, I +should not know yet bow to act better. I would surely never make +promises again - but what I once pronounced impure and unworthy, I +still call it so. And that I was, nevertheless, drawn into it through +my own nature, like a rebellious cat, I still consider equally +disgraceful and unjust. But how I could have prevented it I do not know +yet, for I fought like a hero, and after all I was not one of the +weakest; - yes! I was stronger even than the greater majority. + +But this I know, that with all this worry I would not besides give to +remorse a place in my house, and I advise you, dear reader, +relentlessly to throw this guest out of your door. I would certainly +continue to be as rebellious and unforgiving toward the vile and +unworthy, - but if there is consciousness of sin and sense of guilt to +bear, I know now who is justly ready and willing to bear with us and to +ease this burden for us poor toilers. + +The constitution of society and the precepts of convention are moreover +so badly qualified to ease the struggle, because society and moral law +manifest so little comprehension of the true nature of our +difficulties. Where I felt no danger whatsoever, there were strong +walls of strict convention; and where I knew positively that I would +succumb, the world offered no defence. + +With one of Emmy's friends or another innocent girl or woman, no matter +how lovely and attractive, one might without danger have sent me off on +a journey and have left us together for days and weeks without +witnesses, and not a shadow of eroticism or impure thought would have +arisen in me. With Emmy herself, her innocence and my own scruples and +respect were a better safeguard than all moral laws. But as soon as I +detected in a woman, totally strange and indifferent to me, ugly even +and repulsive, this peculiar weakness, usually paired with good nature, +which indicated in an almost imperceptible manner that the parting wall +of modesty would fall at my first assault, I already felt myself lost +from the beginning in spite of all conventional restrictions. + +I sometimes vainly endeavored to imagine how ugly a woman would have to +be to make me repel her advances with stony coolness. Every woman, the +least attractive even, could make me stumble, simply by humbling +herself. As by an excess of chivalry, I could not refuse a woman's +request nor even await it. It was as though I must prevent her casting +off her modesty at all costs by my own debasement; that is to say, as +long as she desired only my body and not my heart. My heart remained +out of shot range behind the walls of my true love for Emmy. + +When physical desires and spiritual sensibilities are once severed one +from the other, they never grow entirely together again and +possibilities of sad confusion remain throughout life. In spite of my +pure and passionate love for Emmy, my bodily desires could be excited +to madness by the first woman that came along seeming inclined to let +the veil of modesty drop before me. And while, with - the exception of +Emmy, the most beautiful, sweetest and noblest women did not exercise +the slightest alluring power over me and Emmy's guileless trust in me +and her absolute want of jealousy in that respect were entirely +justified, a coarse, low-born, sensual and good-natured woman could +seduce me to things that neither Emmy nor any of the persons who knew +me would have deemed possible. Thus you see, dear reader, how highly +necessary it is to regulate the strange connection between ape and +angel in valid and permanent fashion, from childhood up, for the two +have such different conceptions of good and beautiful that it will not +do to leave to each his freedom in one narrow, fragile house. + +For all the rest, I was constitutionally strong and well balanced in +soul and body. Of disease I know little, and that breaking down of the +bond between the visible and invisible part of our nature that people +call nervous troubles nowadays was ever strange to me. + +And this was the most perplexing and confounding circumstance in my +difficulties, that when the ape had finally had his way, he rewarded me +for it by a feeling of physical refreshment and comfort, by a +consciousness of renewed and invigorated life, a clearing of thought, +an increased activity and capacity for enjoyment. + +All this agrees very badly - does it not? with the traditional +punishment that should follow upon the misdeed. Perhaps it even seems +to you in flagrant conflict with the moral world order. I cannot help +it, but it was as I have told you, and you can only save the honor of +tradition, as I did at the time, by declaring it all a most +contemptible artifice of Satan. But conscience is not hushed by this +explanation. On the contrary, who would maintain a real, live devil +must have a conscience for him to gnaw. Pure and elemental it need not +be; he is satisfied - with any cheap group-fabrication, and the +torments remain the same. + +My life in these years was one long, secret struggle, the fierceness of +which only my father suspected, without being able to do anything to +help me, poor man - for he really suffered under it with me because his +life task was at stake. + +In his helplessness he even seriously considered and covertly proposed +our following the example of certain aristocratic English families +where, as he declared he knew positively, a pretty servant girl was +engaged to keep the son of the house from worse excesses, until the +time for a respectable marriage had arrived and the girl was sent home +with a liberal remuneration. + +But the mere allusion roused me to indignant passion, little as I was +entitled to such pride. How shall we account for it, that every +reminder of what man recognizes as degrading in his love life is never +more unbearable, never more painful than between parent and child? + +My life and my being in these years was like the struggling of two +powers in deadly dispute, rising and falling between heaven and earth, +between clouds and sea - the eagle of ideal sublimity and the snake of +earthly brutishness. + + +"Feather and scale inextricably blended." + + +For me, in an outwardly calm and care-free life, an anxious and +terrible struggle with + + +"Many a check + +And many a change, a dark and wild turmoil." + + +The distress, the shame, the self-contempt, the despair resulting +therefrom made my behavior toward Emmy so strange, so uneven and +capricious that she often felt hurt by it, and so was careful to draw +back a little more. + +Before long I had a rival: a young English officer, equally handsome, +equally good to look at and strongly built as I, but somewhat calmer, +somewhat more measured and somewhat more assured of his own right and +virtue. For these qualities he was hateful to me, but with secret +bitterness I recognized his superior rights, because I took him for a +pure man. + +In my country, in Spain, in France, also in Germany, men, even those +calling themselves well bred, are often caddish enough to make coarse +sexual jokes toward comparative strangers and to assume a freer tone +when no women are present. Such behavior could make me furious and I +always answered it with mocking non-comprehension. And at the same time +it tormented me, that anyone knowing my thoughts and habits would call +me a hypocrite for this reason. But my disgust for such coarsenesses +was strong and sincere, and I valued it in my English friends that they +seemed to feel the same as I in this respect. + +My rival, Captain Truant, was polite and correct in everything and +toward me he was cordial and pleasant, but he could not quite hide that +he looked upon me as an Italian, that is to say, a man of lower race +and backward civilization. I realized that he would think it very +unsuitable and a great pity to have a sweet, well-bred blonde English +girl like Emmy throw herself away upon a dark foreign type. True, I had +money and a duke's title, but there are also Japanese, Turkish and +Persian noblemen, who are therefore not yet a match for a pretty +cultured English maiden. So without any mental scruples, with the calm +conviction of the Englishman that his actions are perfectly justified, +Harry Truant came between us two with a stanch, even, steady wooing. +And what immediately struck me with distressing clearness was the +greater ease with which Emmy and Harry understood each other. They were +at home in each other's world and immediately understood each other's +ways, each other's tastes, each other's humors. Perhaps in the +beginning my exoticism had been to my advantage through the incentive +of the strange and new. But my incomprehensible caprices, my strange, +sometimes passionate, sometimes utterly reserved behavior had wearied +and frightened Emmy for some time. And I saw that the more familiar and +wonted ways of her thoroughly English countryman did her good and were +more agreeable to her. I saw all this with bitter resignation; I +thought that I was receiving my rightful deserts. + +Yet the dear girl would not lightly have cast me off for another. It +had never come to an actual proposal and she might consider herself +free. But she was scrupulous enough to feel herself bound even by an +unconfessed affection, by the intimacy of our conversations and by the +one kiss. I realized this and in grieved and hopeless self-sacrifice, +wished to put a stop to it. + +"I know quite well what is going on, Emmy," I said one night as we sat +together at the river's edge. "I only want to tell you that you must +not consider yourself bound to me. You are free?" + +She looked at me a while, irresolutely and with a sorrowful expression. +Then she said, gently shaking her head: + +"What does ail you, Vico? What is it that is lurking in your mind that +you behave so strangely toward me?" + +Her gently compassionate voice, the ardent confidential tone, the dear +expression of her face, were more than I could bear. I felt the tears +coming and clenched my fists. It was no use. I had to get up and went +on a little further, leaning my head and hand against the rough bark of +a tree, by force restraining my sobs, when I felt a gentle hand upon my +shoulder. + +"Vico!" she said. + +But with a nervous jerk I shook her hand off my shoulder and in a +choking voice said: + +"Do not touch me. I am not worthy of you." The hand dropped and I +realized that she became somewhat cooler and more cautious. Of course +she began to suspect something very bad. + +"Can't you tell me, Vico?" she asked, not unkindly but much more +severely. + +"No, Emmy. Never! - Think that I love you as no one else can ever love +you. . . . But I am not worthy of you, and I want you to be happy. I +shall stand in your way no longer. Do not trouble yourself about what +will become of me." + +"Poor boy!" said Emmy earnestly and tenderly. "Is it really something +so insurmountable?" + +"Absolutely insurmountable, Emmy. Think of it no more, God bless you!" + +"God bless you, Vico!" said Emmy, following me with a look half +sorrowful, half resigned. + +More resigned than I liked to see. + +Such farewells have taken place before and have also often been +followed by reconciliations, yes, by several farewells and +reconciliations. But here there was not the mutual equality of vehement +passion, and not the singleness of purpose that, overriding all +scruples, wins by perseverance. My rival made swift and prosperous use +of the advantage afforded him. + +I avoided Emmy's house, but still occasionally visited the club which +Captain Truant also frequented. And a few weeks later I saw him enter +there one evening and receive the congratulations of his friends. I +realized what this meant and with a paralyzed, icy feeling I remained +seated, staring at the paper which I pretended to read. + +But the lucky fellow stepped up to me, he was not noble enough to wish +to spare me. + +Among those who noisily greeted and congratulated him there was also an +officer, nicknamed "the gallant capting" by the others, an +insignificant, blustering little fellow with a monocle, for whom I felt +a particular aversion, because he, although ever himself the dupe, when +he had drunk a good measure, would now and then with his brutal +volubility and English jokes successfully turn the laugh on me, the +stranger. Loudly laughing and talking to Harry he came and stood close +beside me. + +"And how about Dina, now?" the braggart asked Truant. + +"Hush! hush, man!" said Truant. "A little discretion, if you please!" + +But the tipsy fop would not be shut up so quickly. + +"Will you give me authority to fill the vacant place, Harry? As +lawfully authorized comforter?" + +"All right! All right!" said Harry Truant, to get rid of him. + +But I had distinctly heard and comprehended everything. Or rather I +only comprehended that by a word of authority I had suddenly obtained +permission to do exactly what my body desired. The tormented body, +desperate from the long struggle of serpent and eagle, now desired +vengeance and destruction. The room, the gas lights, the chairs, +everything in an agreeable, even pleasant fashion began to fade, to +float, to wheel about -- and with the silent murderous resolution that +in like circumstances had characterized my forefathers of the masculine +line, I clutched Harry Truant by the throat. + +If these memoirs were to find an English or American publisher, it +would be politic to announce here that the Englishman with his +practised boxing fists with ease doubled up the Italian and knocked him +into a corner, unconscious. Anything short of that the public of +Rudyard Kipling would not stand for, of course. Yet I prefer to state +the truth: that Harry Truant and Vico Muralto dealt each other some +ugly blows that night, but without deadly consequences, and that they +were with difficulty separated by those present. The challenge for a +duel, as conflicting with the laws and morals of his country, was not +accepted by the English officer, which at the time greatly vexed me and +stamped him in my eyes as the very soul of cowardice and dishonor, but +which to-day I not only excuse, but highly respect. + +That same year Harry and Emmy went to India as husband and wife. Vico +and his father entered upon their last journey together. + +VIII + +In my youth people sometimes called me a poet, and though they employed +the term vaguely and at random, yet it was not wholly unjustified. For +I am a destroyer of suggestion, a shatterer of the group, a wanderer +from the herd, an idol-hater, but also a searcher for joy, beauty and +bliss, a lover of reality; and all these are characteristics of a poet. + +But making verses did not suit me. Let me call it unwillingness; then +you may speak of the impotence, and perhaps, even so, we are both +saying the same thing. I honor and admire the great singers, but I +myself have always felt a barrier when I wished to metamorphose my +personal and intimate emotions into separate entities and into public +property. I felt as though I must kill them first, before administering +this cure, as Medea did with her father-in-law Æson, - and that I could +not do. + +I was equally impotent to create imaginary characters, which in their +own way revealed my sorrows, my weaknesses, my follies and my virtues, +forming new personalities with independent life: as my dear friend +Goethe created Werther, Faust, Egmont and Tasso. + +I realize that it must have been a great delight and consolation and +also a strong proof of humility and love, an admirable emulation of the +Divine Creator and enriching of the human world. But I myself could +never attempt it. + +My great grief seemed to me too sacred and too intimate to put it into +little verses and send these out into the world as singing birds, to my +own relief and the delight and edification of all. + +Moreover I found it humiliating to make my own nature into a mask and +in a well-sustained rôle let it aspire for human applause; as is the +custom of my young friend Nietzsche, who lances such vehement tirades +against actors and comedians, but does not seem to perceive how much he +himself, like all poets, is an histrionic artist. + +Here also I decidedly lacked the truly humble love of mankind that must +have moved my surely not less proud friends, Shelley and Goethe. In the +bard and the actor I always seemed to see the courtier. + +Ariosto had his Alfonso d'Este and Goethe his Carl August. + +And the great bards of freedom of the past century, Shelley, Byron, +Hugo? Ali! Were they not courtiers of King Demos? + +I am not an enemy of King Demos, and I know that his earthly realm is +at hand. May he replace and rule all kings until King Christ rules +supreme among men. I wish him prosperity and glory, as Diogenes, I +imagine, must have wished to Alexander. But to be his courtier, I +always lacked the necessary self-denial, and to rebel against him, like +friend Nietzsche, there again I had too much realization of his worth +and power. So that, impotent to be a lord and unwilling to be a +courtier, I was driven into this forgotten nook. And here, to keep body +and soul together, I must be something of an actor after all now, and +play the philistine part, though it be vi coactus and not for human +applause; while I, a lowly slave, nevertheless through my quiet mental +activity enjoy the highest freedom in my chains, proclaiming to King +Demos the weakness and instability of his power, because he shall not +himself ascend the throne without the help of tyrants and shall be +driven off by a yet more mighty and righteous Lord. And even for this +Lord I am still a critical and fault-finding subject, but I think these +are the ones he prefers. + +In these first days of profound sorrow I strove with even greater +effort to know who this Christ was who had redeemed us or could redeem +us, and I wrote to my mother about it and read diligently in Emmy's +precious gift. + +My mother wrote me long prolix letters in reply, which I read +attentively and reverently, unwilling to admit that they really had +nothing more to tell me. They were the same things - the miracle of +grace, the redemption through the blood of Jesus - repeated over and +over again in all sorts of new inversions and combinations, so that it +seemed a miracle already that with so few notes one could make so much +music. My father was well aware of these letters and furtively regarded +me half scornfully, half disturbed, as I sat deciphering them patiently +and with earnest devotion to the last syllable. That it was all over +with Emmy was a relief to him, but all the more anxiously he watched +this animated correspondence and the increase of the maternal +influence; especially as I should shortly attain my majority. + +We had gone to Holland on our last trip to the little seaside resort on +the North Sea with its unpronounceable name, and thus I for the first +time tarried in that strange little nook of Europe, that was to become +the seat of my voluntary hermitage, amid that curious little nation, +which of all nations probably displays the most profound mingling of +lovable and detestable qualities. On this first visit with my father I +saw nothing of the people and little of the country. But I saw the +coast of the North Sea and there I learned to love the sea more than +when I sailed her. On that sandy coast we became intimate, the sea and +I, there she took me to her bosom and we communed heart to heart, +whispering the most intimate secrets into each other's ears. There the +sea became for me a being with a soul - as everything is, though we do +not perceive it - and there her aspects and her voice acquired a +meaning, as all that we call lifeless has a meaning. + +And on this first visit I went with my father to see the works of +Rembrandt, with some doubt and unbelief and prejudice, as befits +Italian patriots. And then with my newly awakened vision of the life of +all things, I saw that this man did with all the living and the dead +about him what the coast of the North Sea had done for me with the sea: +- he showed the meaning and the mysterious life of everything, be it +living or be it dead so to speak. And he showed how living men aside +from their own personal life lead yet another, vaster world-life +without themselves knowing it. And he pictured this world-life as +something beautiful and grand, even though the people and the things +were in themselves ugly. + +And this was such a revelation, such a boon for my early matured soul +that I absolutely would not believe that this man, who could do what +none of my greatest countrymen had been able to do, was a perfectly +commonplace Hollander. But I regarded him like some strange god, by +chance incarnate here, and I revered him above all the saints in the +calendar. Yes, I wished in a vague sort of way that he might prove to +be Christ, for then I, should know what to believe. For it may be very +fine to manifest, as Giotto and Fra Angelico, and Rafael and Titian, +how beautiful human nature is and can be imagined; but yet there is +more comfort and salvation in revealing how in the unlovely, mean and +ugly the divine life dwells, and is beautiful and can be seen as +beautiful even by us poor human beings. Yes, even though it were ever +so imperfect, as in many a canvas that seems to me like an anxious and +desperate struggle to bring out something at least of the everlasting +beauty, - it was there, it was visible, perchance a faint ray in a +dark, dreary cloud of ugliness, and the great task was again +accomplished, the great consolation offered. + +And finally I visited with my father the little village where Spinoza +led his quiet philistine's life, and patiently bored the hole through +which the confined thoughts could find an outlet. And when I saw the +little house and the quiet, peaceful landscape and heard of the lonely, +sober, chaste life of this equanimous and devout Jew, I desired for +myself no better lot than to be able to follow his example as soon as +possible. + +It has taken a little longer than I thought at the time; stronger and +more continued rubbing with the rough world was necessary to charge my +soul with such high potency that, as his, it would emit bright sparks +in isolation. But now it has come about after all, and I would not +contradict you if you said that it was Rembrandt and Spinoza who drew +me to the regions sanctified by their labors for the fulfilment of my +life's task, had not this meditative dwelling sphere been already dear +to me for other reasons. + +On the day I came of age a letter from my mother arrived in which she +reminded me that I was now free to go my own ways, and moreover +informed me that on her journey from the north she would stop in +Holland and hoped that she might at last clasp me in her arms again. + +It was a momentous day for me when at last I was to see again my saint, +adored so many years in the holy, dusky light of memory. My heart beat +and my hands trembled as I stood behind the sleek hotel porter in front +of the closed door of the apartment and heard the voice - soft, +languidly cordial - inviting me to enter. + +There she stood, tall, straight, the same face with the light gray eyes +with the deep rings under them, but much paler now, and the once blonde +hair showing silvery white beneath the black lace veil. She was dressed +in black and white with a great silver crucifix on a black chain. I +fell upon my knees before her, kissing her hands. She kissed me on the +brow and lifted me up. I trembled with emotion when I felt her cool, +soft lips, and saw her face, with the delicate pale violet and amber +tints and the fine countless little lines crossing one another, so near +my own. And I breathed the old familiar perfume of frankincense and +lavender and felt her pure breath upon my brow. It was a moment of +consecration. Even had she not been my mother, I should have felt awe +and veneration for this stately and distinguished woman with her +expression of long and patiently endured affliction, her fresh, +well-preserved old age, her solemn, dignified garb and the peculiar +sphere of purity and chastity that seemed to surround her. All my shame +and humiliation came to my mind and threatened to relieve itself in a +flood of tears. I longed to confess, to reveal all the ugliness and +foulness in my soul, so that she should purify it through her power. + +Woman in the last period of her life, when maternity slips away from +her, can, if she well understands her new position and with wisdom +sustains it, become a new human creature clothed with a higher dignity. +Man in the fulness of his years still ever remains the male, and the +lover. Woman is directed toward another sexless position and fulfils a +new part not of minor importance. Thus I conceived it, when I saw my +mother, and I comprehended now why some nations so greatly revered the +power of priestesses and sibyls or feared the power of witches. I felt +the influence of an unknown potency, a natural consecration that could +forgive, purify, bless, absolve and prophesy wholly according to +priestly prerogative, but stronger here where God and Nature ordained +it than where human authority officially and formally conferred it. + +My impulsive nature would undoubtedly have driven me to make a full +confession even at this first meeting, had I not soon become aware of +another person in the room. For a moment I thought of my sister, but +then I remembered that my sister had taken the veil. This was a pretty +young woman whose beauty, quite differently than with Emmy, I +immediately saw and appreciated. She had large, dark, serious and +gentle eyes, a fresh white complexion and dark glossy hair that was +brought down low over the temples, braided and twisted to a knot in +back. She was also dressed in black with a white lace collar and a gold +breast pin in which were enclosed some brown plaits of hair. She stood +at the window somewhat shy and embarrassed while I greeted my mother, +but I saw her eyes shining with kindly satisfaction that she had been +allowed to witness this scene. + +My mother told me that this was Lucia del Bono, her faithful friend and +adopted daughter. And I could notice that Lucia's veneration for my +mother was almost as deep as mine, and also that the two women had +talked about me a great deal and that this meeting was an important +event not for the elder one alone. + +In the unbearable grief for my lost love these visits to my mother and +her beautiful, sympathetic companion now became my greatest solace and +it was not long before I saw from my father's dark and suspicious +glances, from his listless and discouraged air, which suddenly made the +still vigorous man appear aged, and from his almost invariably silent +and tightly compressed lips, that he realized what was going on. + +He did not ask, and I did not speak. But we both felt that we had been +seized by an irresistible current which was sweeping us toward an +inevitable catastrophe. + +IX + +Holland may be described as a painting whereof the frame constitutes +the most impressive part. It is a fit dwelling place for the hermit who +from inward meditation amid hazy meadows, dreamy cows, and peaceful +little towns can easily turn to the contemplation of the greatest +revelations of the gods - the vast heavens, the clouds and the sea. But +toward the people he must learn to assume the attitude of the ancient +hermit toward the spiders and rats in his cell. Sometimes they are +annoying and disagreeable; sometimes too, in their revelations of life, +instructive and interesting. I live on good terms with the inhabitants +of this quiet little town because I never let them see how I think of +them, and never show myself as I really am. To this attitude, which, +with sharper insight, they would consider haughty conceit, I owe my +reputation as a modest and respectable man. Were I humble enough to +treat them as my equals by being natural with them, they would then +call me a conceited ass and a cad. + +But on one point we understand each other, on the subject of the water, +the sea and the sport of sailing. If I kept a horse and rode to my +nursery in the morning they would consider me a fool and I should +surely never have become treasurer of the orphanage. But the fact that +I have a yacht and frequently show them what storms she can weather, +raises me in their esteem. Only the sea can arouse in these little +shrivelled souls a dim shadow of the old boldness and beauty of life. + +True, most of them are too much attached to their miserable little +lives to risk them solely for the sake of stirring emotions without +compelling need, and they prefer to let me go on my reckless +expeditions alone or accompanied by the well-paid fisher lad. But they +do not laugh at my recklessness, and at the club I notice that they +regard the old gentleman with a certain amount of respect when he +returns again from one of these sailing expeditions, which many a young +seaman would refuse to undertake even for the sake of profit, and does +not even brag or boast of it, but only slightly smiles at the +exclamations of respectful amazement. Thus they honor physical courage, +which is nothing more than muscular strength and a craving for the +pleasing excitement of danger, while the moral courage to reveal to +them the true nature of my thoughts and feelings they would punish with +such sharp and malicious ill-will that in order to retain my peace of +mind and pursue my life's task undisturbed, I think I should not +challenge it and prefer to deceive them. + +It was my father who made me a slave to the intoxication of the +thrilling suspense of sailing out amidst whistling winds, seething +foam, immense surging waves round about, fallow driving clouds above, +the tugging taut rope in one hand, the straining tiller in the other, +the eye travelling from sail to horizon, from pennant to ocean, the +boat trembling the while from the waves breaking against her bow, and +amid this tumult weighing the chances for a safe homecoming, total +submersion or the breaking of the rigging. It was then he felt +happiest; it deadened his melancholy, as biting on wood deadens a +gnawing toothache. And he found in me a willing pupil, eager as I was +for violent emotions and tortured by self-contempt, wild passions and +all the pangs of lost love-joys. + +In Holland, too my father had immediately hired a boat to sail the +ocean, and the Scheveningen seamen had quite some trouble to make him +understand that the North Sea was not an Italian gulf or lake and in +rough weather would not permit of any rash enterprises in small +sailboats. Yet after a few weeks, be managed to attain his object and I +followed him gladly. + +One afternoon we had sailed out, dressed in our oilskins, and the +skipper who, submerged to the waist, had pushed us off the shore +through the breakers, had warned us to be back within two hours, for at +that time the ebb-tide set in and, with the fresh north breeze, the +strong current would make it difficult for us to land. My father had +nodded as though he were thinking of something else and had long ago +penetrated and computed the caprices of the gray and formidable North +Sea. + +For an hour we sailed on silently, as was frequently our wont, my +father holding the rudder. The coast had dwindled to a faint luminous +line above which like a thin white mist hung the foam of the breakers. +I lay on the deck, glanced toward land and horizon - then at my watch, +and said: + +"Come about; father, it's time." He did not seem to hear, and I turned +toward him repeating: "It's time! come about!" Then I saw that be did +not want to hear. He had hauled the mainsail in closely, luffing +sharply, the sheet tightly drawn, and was staring fixedly and straight +ahead under the large yellow sou'-wester. His eyes had the hard grim +expression of old people who after a long life of struggle still fight +for the bit of breath left them, or of indulged and long-tortured +invalids, or of the starved or shipwrecked who no longer have feeling +for anyone or anything but their own distress. Between his +close-cropped gray whiskers and his tightly pressed lips I saw - what +before I had never noticed - two sallow lines deeply furrowing his +cheeks. All at once I felt a pity, such as I had never felt for him +before - as though the realization of all the grief which he had +suffered under my very eyes now suddenly penetrated my consciousness. + +"What ails you, father?" I asked. He began talking away regardlessly as +though there were no wind and no waves about him. + +"You said three years ago that by this time you would be lost. I think +you are right. You are." + +"No, father, I think I was mistaken. I am beginning to see salvation." + +"You do not see salvation, Vico, you see ruin. I understand it very +well. Your mother has you again in her clutches. She is a harpy; do you +know the monsters? Part woman, part vulture. They suck away half your +healthy life-blood and replace it with gall. Melancholy and gloom are +her idols. Suffering, pain, grief, trouble, bitterness - these are the +archangels in her heaven. She makes sorrow her object of worship, and +she pictures her God as a hideous corpse hanging on a cross with +pierced bands and feet, covered with blood, wounds, scars, sores, +matter, dirt and spittle, - the more horrible the better. And that +attracts the dull masses exactly as the colored prints of murders and +barbarians depicted in the papers. Was there ever more devilish error?" + +"And if salvation can only be bought with pain, father? If all this +suffering was the price of redemption for our sins?" + +"Jew!" my father snapped at me with glittering eyes, his mouth drawn +disdainfully in unutterable contempt! "Jew! where did you learn this +bartering morality? Buy! Buy! everything can be bought! If you are but +willing to pay, you can go anywhere, even to heaven. Salvation can be +bought for a slaughtered human being. A fixed price and dirt cheap! - +Salvation for all mankind for the corpse of a single Jew. What a +bargain! and God is Shylock, be holds to his bond! his bond! Blood is +the fixed price, nothing can change that. If not the blood of sinners +then let it be the blood of my son. Thus reads the contract: + + +'My bond! My bond! + +My deeds upon my head! I crave the law! + +The penalty and forfeit of my bond!' + + +"Do you know, Vico, why the Jews are hated so everywhere? It is +instinctive resentment because the world feels that it has been +infected with the Jewish poison. The priesthood, the black vermin, is a +Jewish Germanic bastard brood. They have made a Jew of God himself and +they will make one of you too. And that my son! my child, the heir!" + +The suffering on my father's face was terrible to see. Tears began to +flow from his fixed eyes. + +I tried to calm him. "Do come about, father! - it's over time!" + +"We'll go on a while yet," he said with a ghastly affected airiness, +and I sat there with the blood freezing in my veins, fearing he was +going mad. All at once he burst out again. + +"The blood of his son! the blood of his son! to buy off sin with which +he himself had burdened us - his own debts thrust on us and accepted by +us against our will and pleasure, and this acceptance paid for with the +blood of his own child. What a Jew! What a sly, heartless usurer! Did +you make these debts, Vico? - value received? What did you get for it? +What did you get for this hereditary sin? Hereditary sin! Ha! ha! ha! +hereditary sin! what an invention! - Hereditary debt! What a crafty, +bartering Jew one must be to invent such an idea." + +Once more I made an attempt, and standing upright at the mast I cried +vigorously: + +"Come about, father! - about!" + +But he called back with even greater vehemence: + +"Go ahead, I tell you!" + +And then whilst I looked about over the sea and considered what to do: + +"I tell you, Vico, there is life and there is death. And we must live +as long as we can. But it must be real life too. Death is no life. The +life of most men is a slow miserable death. There is no honor and no +merit in maintaining a life that should more truly be called death. A +bloodless, enervated, foul, rotten life. It is a shame that men do not +yet know how to live, and even greater shame that they know still less +how to die. I wanted to have you live. But I did not succeed and now I +shall teach you to die. - Are you afraid?" + +Then something began to stir and rise up in my soul, like a snake +goaded forth from her cavern. I, too, began to forget the wind and the +waves about me. True, I felt a tingling down my back to my very finger +tips. Yet I was not a coward and I spoke firmly: + +"I am not afraid, father. I believe I shall know quite as well as you +how to die if it should be necessary, even without your teaching me. +But I won't be murdered, not even by my father." + +The tears from the fixed, now red-rimmed eyes began to flow more +abundantly. + +"Vico!" he cried in a much softer, trembling voice: "Will you be true +to me then? Will you let yourself be saved? Will you save your precious +life and your reason? Will you abjure this accursed harpy? Will you +escape the sinister band?" + +But I was irritated and excited and proudly replied: "I shall save +myself, I shall be true to whomever I find worthy. I do not respect the +man that curses my mother." + +Then his face changed horribly, he lifted up his trembling right hand, +thereby awkwardly knocking off the canvas cap from his head so that the +damp gray hair fluttered. He made Jesus' sign of doom in Michel +Angelo's last judgment, screaming loudly meanwhile: + +"Then I curse you, do you hear! I curse you, Lodovico Muralto. Your +father curses you!" + +I had enough of Old Testament sentiments left in me not to be +indifferent to such an imprecation! + +I started, but tried my very utmost to see in him only the raving, +irresponsible maniac. At the same time the thought flashed across my +mind that he himself must also have been infected by Jewish ideas, that +he should clutch at these weapons, more sounding than wounding. But I +said nothing, walked up to him and from behind his hand attempted to +grasp the tiller. "About!" I cried. + +"Very well! about!" my father cried fiercely, and with that be wrenched +the tiller out of my hand and pulled it violently toward himself, so +that instead of sailing before the wind it struck us directly on the +beam with mainsail closely hauled and sheet fixed. + +Even had I desired death as eagerly as he did at the time, yet now I +would instinctively have resisted. Seamanship teaches scorn of death +but still greater scorn for bad man?uvring. "Blockhead!" I cried out, +hastily cutting the taut rope so that the sail fluttered out into the +wind like a half-escaped bird. But the boat had shipped so much water +that I could not right her again and in a moment she was entirely +swamped. I climbed to the high side stretching out my hand to my +father. But he gave me one look of bitter scorn, shook his head and let +himself sink, freeing his hand with a wild jerk from a loop in the +rigging. + +After this, I drifted about four hours. We had been missed and the +life-boat had been sent out after us, but for a long time was unable to +find me, as the dusk had begun to fall. Finally I was picked up by a +fisherman who signalled for the life-boat to come and get me. I had +lost consciousness and when I awoke it was night and I found myself in +bed hearkening to the soft voices of two women in the room. I thought I +was in Italy with my mother and my nurse in our house at Milan, so +eloquent of the past were the old familiar sharp sss and rr sounds of +these soft Italian whisperings. But soon I recognized the Dutch hotel +furnishings, Lucia, and beneath the black lace veil the silvery hair of +my venerable mother. + + +X + +When for four hours, wet and benumbed upon a wave-swept piece of wood, +with nothing round about but the sea and falling night, one has fought +for the maintenance of a thing, one begins to consider that thing +important after all, even though before it was ever so indifferent to +us. + +I had never valued my life so highly; but after I had once been incited +to a stubborn, desperate but successful resistance against the attempt +of robbing me of it, it had become dearer to me. Now I was determined +to know everything there is to be known concerning the value of this +hard-won treasure. + +Why did I make this tremendous effort? What do I gain by it? And all +these others, none of whom, forsooth, praise life as so glorious and +desirable a joy, what induces them to cling to it so frantically at the +cost of so much pain and trouble? + +My father had taught me, and no one, not even my mother and the priests +denied it, that we are reasonable beings who ought to act reasonably. +To exert oneself for something undesirable, I consider, and everyone +with me considers, unreasonable. If it is a Jewish idea to do or to +give naught for naught - well, you may label me Jew then. That was also +my idea of justice. And then I felt myself more of a Jew than the Jew, +Spinoza, who says that one should love God without expecting love in +return. My inborn passion for sober truth was stirred to opposition by +these words. I did not believe that this feeling could be true, not +even in Spinoza. He must merely have imagined it because he wished to +be different from the grasping Jews and Hollanders of his age. Right +remains right. Love demands love in return, - and life must be good for +something if we are willing to suffer and struggle for it. I could be +as liberal and generous as the best of Italians, but the highest +striving in all nature is for balance, and he who lets himself be +pushed off his chair disturbs the balance instead of preserving it, and +he who throws his own cabbages to his neighbor's hogs fosters laziness +and injustice. + +"Yes! now my life has been saved, dear mother," I said on the first day +of my recovery. "But at the cost of much trouble and distress. Father +and I parted the while he cursed me and I denounced him as a +'blockhead.' I am not superstitious, but these are not comforting +memories. I defied his curse, I resisted him and retained my life. But +for what? Who tells me that he was not right and that it had not been +better for me to die?" + +"God has willed it so, my boy. I fear that for your unhappy father +there is no salvation; he died cursing and without repentance. But God +has preserved you so that you should live for him." + +"Preserved me to live for him? Does he need me then? The creator of the +sun and the fixed stars, the milky way and the nebulae? Needs me? How +is that, mother?" + +"He wished to preserve you through his merciful love. You need him. +Therefore you must live for him." + +"If I need him, mother, then he must live for me and not I for him. How +can anyone who needs help himself live for another? God is surely not +in need of help. But I -" + +"You must love him with all your heart and all your soul. You must be +ready to offer all to him. You must be willing to bear life and to +suffer for him. You have received everything from him. Joy and sorrow +- it must all be equally dear to you because it comes from him." + +"Dear mother, then I must surely have received my reason and my tastes +from him too. And when my father gave me a watch and a compass I +trusted that these things would point right. And when God gives me +reason and tastes, must I then suppose that these point wrong? +Wherefore did I receive them then? My reason calls it nonsensical to +lead a wretched and miserable life, even for the sake of the Almighty +Creator of Heaven and Earth. How can this be pleasing to a supreme +being? What can it matter to him? And my taste calls happiness +desirable and sorrow reprehensible, whether it come from one or from +another. Sugar is sweet though it come from the devil, and quinine is +bitter though it come from God. I cannot taste it differently." + +"And is the bitter not just what you need to heal you, Vico?" + +"Is it less bitter, therefore? And should I even thank the Almighty for +first letting me get sick, which is unpleasant enough already, and +moreover giving a bitter taste to the medicine which he made necessary? +He has made me so that I feel glad and thankful for whatever gives +happiness and tastes sweet, but not for affliction and bitterness." + +"That is your pride, Vico! Your father instilled that into you. Learn +to love God! Lay away your pride. Learn to love God humbly and through +love thankfully to accept the bitter from him." + +"Listen, mother. I might say now: Yes! yes! I can repeat it all after +you exactly and persuade myself that I feel it all too. But then I +would lie. And God has made me so that I would rather not lie if I can +help it. I know no reason why I should be thankful to God for +afflictions or should call the bitter sweet and the ugly beautiful. If +he is my creator then he is also responsible for the desires and +feelings of his creature." + +"What I tell you, Vico, is something you cannot understand except +through the light of grace. You must be born again through faith. You +reason now as all who trust to their human understanding. I can only +pray that his grace will be poured out over you. And for the sake of +your mother, who loves you so, you surely do not wish to shut your +heart and blind yourself to the true light? You surely will want to +hear what the church teaches and want to obey and accept what older and +wiser people, through love, tell and advise you." + +"My heart is open to every light, mother. I am willing to hear and to +consider everything. But though I would ever so gladly, I cannot obey +and accept unless what I am told and advised seems acceptable to me." + +"May God break your self-conceit!" my mother sighed. + +What I have written here is an average and collective type of many +hundreds of conversations which I had with my mother during the ten +years following. With the indefatigable zeal of flies incessantly +buzzing up and down and striking against a window pane, we two +tenacious and autocratic persons tried to thrust upon one another our +own peculiar individuality. My mother with a more aggressive love, I +more on the defensive, but in my self-assertion, none the less +militant. Possessed by the universal conceit of the reasonableness of +our feelings and convictions, neither one of us noticed that this was +simply a struggle between two natures whereof one was trying to subject +the other. And accustomed as almost all the human herd to the idolatry +of the true word, we both imagined that by merely talking, talking we +could finally make the word which we ourselves considered true the idol +of our fellow-man too, like two missionaries of different faith holding +up their symbol before one another until one of the two falls on his +knees. + +And the mother now said that it was the father's education that made me +refractory, just as the father had thought to oppose the maternal +influence: as though they continued the old feud about me and through +me. + +The four hours of anxious suspense on the capsized boat, my father's +curse ringing in my ears, his grim sinking face before my eyes, had +struck such a deep gash into my young and tender soul that at first I +would awaken every morning from a dream, in which the whole thing was +lived through again, crying for help in a voice hoarse from screaming +as I had cried so long across the lonely dusky sea. Only very gradually +did these evil memory dreams cease, and till late in my life they would +recur whenever my power of resistance was weakened. + +These dreams acted upon me like warnings, repeating the stern lesson of +the terrible event. "You have repelled your father and chosen your +mother's side. You have rejected his ideas and thereby driven him to +death. And what if he had been right now? Are you sure that your mother +deserved this sacrifice? Are you sure that your life was worth saving? +What have you - really - of that life which you so desperately +defended? By your defiance you have taken a heavy responsibility upon +yourself. You must now seek this assurance: the assurance that your +father was in the wrong and that you are doing right by continuing to +live and adhering to your mother." + +These were the warnings that beset me every morning when the morning +light had once more dispelled the fearful vision. In vain I sounded the +depths of my soul - to find whence issued these compelling and +distressing thoughts. A power dwelt within me which seemed to possess a +mighty voice, and a strong coercive force when I did not want to +listen. And I soon observed that this power increased in proportion as +I felt weaker and more discouraged. Was it the voice of the herd, which +my father had taught me to despise, but which he no more than I could +infallibly distinguish from his own voice? Who was this speaker, this +tyrant? + +There existed a bridge of heartiness and affection between my mother +and myself which always remained practicable even when the flood of +controversy raged highest. When it seemed as though we would never +understand each other, we would simply stay the structure of our +phrases and without détour approach one another through the ever open +door of our love, without troubling ourselves about logic or +consistency. + +And Lucia was much less averse to theology than Emmy. Supplied by my +mother with shining words of authority and bombastic arguments, and no +less anxious than my mother herself to let the son participate in the +joy of her conviction, she eagerly granted any request for engaging in +deep conversation. We did not go walking alone together, as this did +not agree with her principles of education, but when we three were +together the origin and prospect of our life was discussed more, and +with greater fervor, than anywhere probably in all the little seaside +town, perchance in all the little land. + +And it is good that people do not act as reasonably as they imagine, +otherwise we should see all mankind engaged in such conversations: they +would forget to reap the harvest, to start the trains, to keep the +fires of the factories going. + +For it is strange to see everyone making the greatest efforts and +wearing himself out and hardly anyone trying to render account to +himself of the why and wherefore. Especially the so-called thoughtful +people cut a strange figure, as usually they all disagree, or only +agree about their own ignorance; and yet they go on living complacently +without earnestly persevering in their efforts of reaching a +conclusion. They all pretend to believe in the true word, but they do +not manifest much faith in their idol, because words concerning the +most important truths have but little power to attract them. It is good +so, for otherwise, from sheer uncertainty, the entire machinery would +come to a standstill and the truly free, such as you, dear reader, and +I, would find no opportunity to gather the leading truths for them, +and, wrapped in glowing formula, so dexterously to throw them before +their feet that they perceive them and pick them up as their own +discoveries. + +Lucia del Bono was not only a beautiful, but also a bright, clever and, +as my mother assured me, good and noble Italian woman. She had lost her +parents, and my mother who had taken her into her home as her adopted +daughter, was her saint, her oracle. Whatever mother did was good, +whatever mother said was true, what mother wished was the nearest to +God's will of anything we could know. And soon I perceived that, among +other things, mother had long wished Lucia to become my wife. Through +Emmy's loss and through the unchanging persistence of my passions, +Satan's voracious pets, I however considered myself peculiarly fitted +for a monastery, if I could only once reconcile myself to the doctrines +suitable to such a life. + +"After all, there is no other way of salvation for me" - I once said to +my mother when I was alone with her on the hotel veranda. "Now I may +indeed have holy resolves again and make solemn promises, but I look +reality too squarely in the face to believe, myself, in these promises. +I can never love a woman more truly and more fervently than Emmy, - and +even this love was not strong enough to shield me from the temptations +of the low and the vile. If I remain in the world, I shall nowhere +escape temptation. I have seen enough to know that there is temptation +everywhere for one like myself. It is bitter and humiliating, +particularly for one with a proud and haughty nature, and who does not +like to turn away from an enemy. I feel myself a match for men and +would be willing to fight an overpowering majority, but God has left me +defenceless in the hands of women." + +To this mother replied: "There is no life more splendid and lofty than +that of the monk who denies and suppresses all the lower, worldly and +transitory feelings in order to let the eternal develop the more +freely. But it requires a good deal to consecrate yourself wholly to +Jesus, Vico dear. If only you are strong enough for that!" + +"No, mother! I want to do it just because I am not strong enough to +resist the world and my fleshly desires. I must be in an absolutely +pure environment and lead an abstemious life, only then will I remain +good. I have tried it for three weeks. But then I fell ill and was +nursed and petted by kind hands and then Satan again had me in his +power." + +"You can fall ill in a monastery too, Vico. And Satan will not leave +you in peace there either. Think of how even the saints were tormented +by demons and temptations." + +"Ali, mother, what I have read about that, and seen on paintings, +proves that they do not know my temptations. Did you imagine that I +would succumb to the pretty ladies who troubled Antonius of Padua? They +are much too pretty, too poetic, I should say. With them I would feel +ashamed. And all those monsters and demons, as Teniers paints them, +they would not frighten me in the least. I know them well from my +dreams. They give you a fright, but you can easily drive them away, +much more easily than -" + +"Than what, Vico?" my mother asked. But before I could conquer my +strong disinclination to give an idea of the true nature of my +visitants, Lucia came out of her room. + +"What do you say to this, little daughter!" my mother said with grave, +almost embarrassed mien, "Vico wants to enter the priesthood." + +It was curious to mark the change of expression on Lucia's face. With a +peculiar wide, shining look, her great dark eyes travelled from mother +to me, but she cleverly concealed that it was a painful surprise. She +could not suppress a deep blush, however, and when she felt it and +realized that it could not help betraying an all too deep and painful +interest, the blush of shame became yet deeper. + +"That is fine!" she said in a voice solemn with emotion. + +"If Christ will only accept me," I said; "according to you two I am +still half a heathen." + +"Oh, he will surely accept you! he will be good to you!" said Lucia, in +a tone which betrayed more certainty concerning the being of whom she +spoke than Emmy's "Jesus Christ our Lord." + +"How do you know that so surely, Lucia?" I asked, immediately +attentive. "Do you know him so well? Can you explain to me what he is?" + +"Do I know him?" she cried out passionately, with a little +comprehensive smile at mother. "What shall I reply, mother? He asks +whether we know the dear Lord Jesus." + +"What would you yourself reply, Vico, if she asked you whether you knew +me, your mother?" + +I was silent, and thoughtfully regarded the two women, so obviously +convinced. Then Lucia said: "I know him much better, Vico, than you +know your mother, for you have not had her near you for very long, nor +is she with you all the time. But my Jesus never leaves me. I have +always had him near me as long as I can remember day and night." + +I said nothing, but looked at her encouragingly, intimating that she +should go on and tell me more of Jesus. And she did it gladly, - far +more eagerly than Emmy, - and though it was not all clearly and +absolutely lucidly expressed, not entirely connected and too long, to +repeat it all to you here, yet it was captivating and instructive and, +to me, implied the existence of a firm and neither weak nor transitory +reality. + +Suggestion is a very convenient word with a meaning easily adaptable to +all sorts of explanations; but if there were no bounds and no end to +this explaining by suggestion, we might as well rub out from our +suggested slate of life, with a suggested sponge, the whole beautiful +world of clear and eternal realities. No, the Christ of Lucia and my +mother was no suggested fancy, but a living reality. + +But what was he? + +Of the Bible the two women knew very little. My mother, despite her +Northern origin, had had an Italian Catholic education as well as +Lucia. In this, for valid reasons, the Bible is forbidden. They did not +speak much of the life of Jesus as an historical person, nor of his +adventures, nor of his teachings. It was his suffering, his martyrdom, +and his death that to them seemed to be above all deserving of +meditation. + +And if I had not known it - if the Nazarene of whom the New Testament +narrates had borne another name, it might perhaps never have occurred +to me to identify him with the Deity worshipped by my mother. + +But now that I must needs assume that all information regarding the +being, personally wholly unknown to me, that so occupied the lives of +these two women and of millions of human beings besides, was to be +found in these ancient writings, the English translation of which, +contrary to my mother's wishes, I faithfully kept - now I began to read +with renewed and even closer attention. + +But I found nothing to give me light. I found a very beautiful and +touching narrative full of dramatic power, written by the hand of a +master, but to its detriment four times retold with embellishments and +obvious falsifications. And the hero of this narrative was a very human +mortal, more delicate, more sensitive and nearer akin to us than Hiob: +just as bold in the flight of his thought, just as fanatic and even +immoderate in his declarations, and certainly less strong, less +resolute, his character less unmoved by the lot threatening him than +the mighty hero of the older drama. I was deeply stirred by the reading +of this wonderful creation, by the thoroughly human truth of his +struggle, his disappointments, waverings and weaknesses, his courage +and self-denial, his alternately proud and discouraged bearing, his +very explainable self-deception, caused by the influence of his +childish followers and worshippers, his fatal and truly tragic ending, +not desired but foreboded, and manfully not evaded, - immutable +necessary result of human weakness in human heroic strength. + +But what did all this have to do with the wonderful reality in which my +mother and millions with her found all their joy and their security, +with which, through which, for which, in which they lived as fish live +in the water? + +I found nothing but a little outward resemblance, the name, the death +he suffered. But for the rest it seemed to me that they might as well +have named any other hero of tragedy - Prometheus for example - as the +mighty and loving being that, even now, directed all their steps and +shed light upon their path. + +And through many careful and attentive conversations with the fair +Lucia, in the presence of my mother, who was for her the living +fountain from which she gratefully drew when her wisdom threatened to +forsake her, I became convinced that had Lucia been taught that the +divine reality she felt in herself was named Spinoza, because Spinoza +was a God, incarnate in human form, who had lived in Rynsburg as a man, +had proclaimed many words of living wisdom and therefore suffered scorn +and contempt and finally, after a life of simplicity and chastity, had +died in loneliness and poverty for our salvation - the pious maiden +would just as readily have accepted it and would have found exactly as +much strength, happiness and contentment in it. + +Do not lose patience, my reader, because I tell you such commonplace +things. Of course as an independently thinking and observing person, +you know all this just as well as I. But for the herd it is all new, +absolutely new. And it will still be so when you read this and I am +dead and for many, many years after. Do not forget that we too belong +to the herd, you and I, and that an accurate comprehension of our +relations does not exclude a loving understanding and a wise affection. +There is joy in my pride only because it rests on an immutable +estimation of worth. I know that the herd thinks and feels slavishly +and I do not, and that it is therefore necessarily subject to me; but +my joy would rot and wither in my pride, did I not know the comforting +and refreshing humility, the humility that by patient deeds of love +unites me to the herd, and gives me full measure of comfort in this +faithful, sincere and patient record for the good of all, so that I +have found peace, tranquillity of mind and a foretaste of bliss in the +utmost spiritual loneliness, in this dead life. + +There is neither contentment nor happiness in unshared wisdom. +Therefore I make bold once more to speak plainly of such commonplace +things. If we would build our towers higher and higher, we must seek to +broaden the foundations, otherwise we topple over with our individual +wisdom just as we had imagined heaven attained. The herd does not need +our leading more urgently than we its following. + +True, it must have been a great and ingenious Jew, who, now more than +eighteen hundred years ago, wisely responding to the cry of anguish +from his enslaved countrymen for a redeemer, as king, as Christ, +pointed out to them the new man, the meek, the "Chrestus," with whom +the whole earth felt herself pregnant. + +No one can have known the divine reality, which so many millions have +called Christ, so profoundly, and have felt it more clearly living in +himself than he, when flown from his subdued and desolate country to +Alexandria, be created the mighty and tragic heroic figure and chose +the name that for so many centuries was to be accepted by mankind, as +the personification and epithet of this same reality. + +But I charge him gravely that with Jewish fearfulness he withdrew his +own person from the struggle in which he let his hero perish, and +suffered or even wished his noble and true work of art to be changed +into a false piece of history. What might have gladdened and elevated +poor suffering and blinded humanity as a wonderful masterpiece of art, +like the book of Hiob, or the Iliad, or Prometheus Vinctus, or the +Athene of the Parthenon, or the Zeus of Olympus, showing how man in the +creations of the artist rises highest above personal pettiness and +weakness, how the genius in fiction creates the highest perfection, +such as has never been seen in flesh and blood, - has now, as an +invented historical occurrence, driven the whole world to the rudest +falsifications of truth and impossible efforts of imitation. + +The glorious shapes of Phidias, more beautiful than any living human +race has ever actually been, have still brought us joy and inspiration +after a miserable barbaric Christian world bad mutilated and neglected +them, - but the beautiful figure of Jesus, which as a work of art might +have been immortal and beneficent, embellished with Pauline metaphysics +and mixed in the Byzantine sorcerer's pot with Egyptian and Chaldean +hodgepodge, has become an evil spirit for wretched human kind. + +For eighteen hundred years the world has been the dupe of this +marvellous dramatic genius and his work, changed in a fatal hour from +fiction to history. I know no stronger proof for the existence of a +malicious devil who takes pleasure in our amusing errors. + +And many a night, when it is warm and the sea calm and the doves coo in +the softly whispering elms on the city walls, I wander out of my quiet +little city and gaze over the smooth extent of water, musing for hours +on the beauty and the joy that would now reign on earth if, +unprejudiced and unconfounded, men had asked what God it was that so +mightily revealed himself in them and urged them with such perceptible +will and pressure, and spoke in so audible a voice: if they had +earnestly and attentively hearkened to the constant whisperings and +warnings of their deep true nature, if they had borne and learned to +follow the bridle of this faithful warner in their own soul, who +strongly desires and alone has power to give us peace, - instead of +worshipping the true word, and looking for outward signs and miracles, +and through the beautiful creations of a human genius letting +themselves be seduced to human deification, to stupid imitation, to +fanaticism, to falsification of word and reality, to a sickly pursuit +of pain, glorification of poverty, fear of knowledge, scorn of the +world, hatred of beauty, poor stray sheep! + +Then the great and good works of Greeks and Romans, of Indians and +Saracens would have been thoughtfully carried on, art preserved, +knowledge esteemed, - and the garden of peace made verdant with clear +springs of beauty from these two pure fountains. While now, alas! again +and again, in thousands of hearts, the true Christ must die the bitter +death upon the cross because the truest word that he inspired one of +his dearest favorites to utter was besmirched by a flat lie, and his +most beautiful poetical image destroyed by a grossly sensuous error. + +But be of good cheer, my reader; the devil made a good move, but shall +lose the game nevertheless. The falsehood poison has soon spent itself, +and the powers of the sick increase. No longer do the shepherdless dogs +drive the flock asunder in a hundred different directions. You live, my +reader, and hear the voice of me, the dead, - and as though heralded +forth by trumpets, you learn that the crucified in you and in me is +also victoriously and gloriously risen again. + +XI + +It was three weeks before the body of my father was found. A stormy +nor-wester had thrown it high up on shore at the foot of the dunes not +far from the mouth of the Rhine, and a clam-digger came to claim the +promised reward. My mother went there with me and prayed a long time by +the side of the body. I did too, in my own way; that is to say, with a +constant reservation, as one might write a letter to someone whose +address one was not sure of. Nevertheless every prayer is a suggestion +in which through words of invocation one creates an image of a Deity +and through forcibly uttered exhortations and protestations changes +one's own soul. Is there in any act greater possibility for +self-deception? As a child and youth, it is still possible to observe +oneself praying and to continue in the belief that one is acting +worthily and honestly. But for a man, self-observation during this act +usually also carries with it shame at the game that he is playing and +the pose that he assumes. + +The body lay in a coffin, already closed, in a tiny church of the +fisher village, and it seemed as though my father's surviving spirit +mocked me for the trifling words with which I, foolish boy, thought to +reach and to move the soul of clouds and sea, of sun and stars. How +childish the burning candles and the chanting voice of the priest +seemed, with the roaring of the wind over the reed-covered sand hills, +and the glowing eye with which the setting sun looked upon her earth +from across the sea. + +When the funeral was over, we decided to leave Holland for my native +country. There, in Rome, I would, if anywhere, find my way back to the +mother church. Solemn, talking little, full of expectation, and usually +deep in thought, I travelled swiftly across the continent in the +company of the two women. Italy, that I had not seen for many years, +lured me with a thousand sweet memories, with the combined charm of the +wonderland of sun and beauty which it is to all Northerners, and of the +world of dear childish moods, whose deceiving sweetness increases with +distance and length of separation, and can make even the most barren +country gleam as a place of refuge and consolation. With a little more +experience of life I might have considered beforehand that the real +Italy could not fulfil all the blessed promises of the imaginary Italy. +At the beginning they did indeed all seem to be realized. It commenced +with sunshine, and the vintage - golden light upon browning foliage, +merry country folk and song; a gleam of a better world after the dull +and solemn North: a glorious sensation of being at home among people +who like myself dared to say something graceful and to do something +wanton; the beloved flexible and vigorous sounds of my mother tongue, +and the great joy of the people's craving for beauty and elegance down +into the very lowest circles: roughness and wildness not without a +certain dignity, not simply rude and coarse as with the Northern +barbarians: a poor lad in rags who sings something on the street that +penetrates my inmost soul. Ah! how little the rude among this Dutch +people can do or say that penetrates my soul! If my reason did not tell +me, what then could convince my heart that they and I are beings of a +kind? + +I cannot dwell here on the charm with which my native land stirred my +emotions when I beheld it again. It has nothing to do with the task and +the duty that I fulfil in these writings. Hundreds of writers can +delight you with subtle sensuous fancies and can comfort you for a +moment with beautiful visions, warming the cold indolent spirit by +colorful, glowing or gracefully woven words. My task is to give lasting +consolation through the unsensual force of unchanging thought, so that +you will know a point of rest in all sorrows and can taste every +pleasure with calmer attention. + +In Rome my disillusionment came with the rainy days of winter. Then all +at once it penetrated my consciousness from every side, like a cold +draft through broken window panes - the realization that something was +still wanting here, that in the North had been attained: an established +order of institutions, a general moral integrity. The half-forgotten +shadows of my childhood, hidden behind the beautiful, came to view, +called forth by kindred miseries. We had to live comparatively simply, +and my dignified old mother, as well as I, had to climb the four +chilly, dimly lighted, stony flights to our apartment, where it was +cold and uncomfortable too. To let Lucia go about alone in Rome, like +an English girl in London, was simply out of the question. I myself had +to be very much on my guard against suspicious persons who whisperingly +accosted me with foul proposals. And a stroll through the section San +Lorenzo on a bleak December day, where I saw, how my poor people, kept +in ignorance and filth, manfully battle against suffering and misery, +made me feel that Italy, when her glorious sunlight fades, is still +ever the land of the "sofferenza" and still deserves the cry of +lamentation: + +"Ahi, selva Italia! di dolore ostello!" + +This sorrowful word never leaves me; often do I sigh it through the +stillness of my gloomily respectable house, the abode of the old Dutch +merchants; and then too perchance I scream it out into the gale on the +open sea-dike where my petty fellow citizens cannot hear it. + +In this gray, beclouded, chilly land, where the bleak, restless wind +bends low and razes to the ground everything that standing alone would +lift up its head, less rude anguish is suffered nevertheless than among +the sunny, luxuriant, blue-skied hills of my beautiful native land. + +But this does not imply that the Italians should envy this so much more +methodical, cleanly and prosperous nation. For glowing life and +blooming beauty fare still more madly among the Hollanders, and sharp +anguish is more salutary to man, and preferred by the genitive soul of +humanity, than the unfelt evil of ugliness, of dullness and of the +great and beautiful passions stifled by fear. Everywhere in the present +world a minority sensitive to beauty exists among a great horde of +cads. But in no country is the minority nobler, but smaller also, and +the horde more caddish than in Holland - and in imagination I often see +the Neapolitan tramp and loafer stand out as a prince or nobleman among +the inmates of a Dutch village inn, or hall for more respectable +entertainment. But your purse and your life are safer and the average +standard of middle-class respectability higher here below the sea level +than in most countries above. + +The first ones that I sought in my native land were the priests, whom +my father had always made me shun. My mother's sentimental wisdom did +not satisfy the wants of my reason, and she herself thought that I +should be easily and swiftly convinced of what, to her, seemed so +evidently true, if I but heard someone versed in the eloquence and the +logical argumentative power which her intuitive knowledge lacked. + +But ah me! we were sadly mistaken there, my mother and I. + +Her position and rank enabled her to refer me to the very best address; +and none less than one of the most powerful and influential prelates of +the age, an intimate of the Vatican and a political celebrity, was to +guide me, youthful errant, back into the path of salvation. I was much +impressed by his great name, and in the beginning I also could not +withhold myself from the suggestion that goes out from each one into +whose hands the herd has pressed the magic rose of deference and +subjugation. But neither his environment, - a gloomy apartment +tastelessly furnished in bourgeois style, - nor his outward appearance, +a bony, half jovial, half cautiously cunning, more or less boorish face +upon a heavy unwieldy body, was adapted to strengthen my illusion. He +was very genial, talkative, good-natured, and made a little kindly +intended speech to which I sat and listened with the conviction that I +must be making a confused, distressed and foolish appearance. + +Subsequently he committed me to the care of one of his younger +disciples, a pale, seemingly timid, but, as was soon manifest, very +strong-willed, ambitious young priest, who scrutinized me with +well-nigh impertinent searchingness, like a doctor his patient. + +I did not let my mother notice the tremendous shock that I experienced +at this first visit, as she betrayed her hopeful expectation by a +painful agitation. For her sake, too, I went on and moved in the +circles which I could not really believe quite so bad as my father had +pictured them. But I could not carry it through very long. Even on the +street I would shudder with repulsion when I saw the insignificant, +coarse, often positively unpleasant and villainous faces peering out +from under the rough, black felt hats. It was as though they bore upon +their foreheads the mark of guilt for the misery in which my poor +people were toiling. And no sooner had I gained sufficient knowledge of +the sentiments, the desires, the ideas that peopled the spiritual world +of the young man appointed as my shepherd, then I knew once for all +that his labor would be vain. + +He was not an insignificant man, the young priest, nor was he an +ignoble character. At the time I learned, in one moment, to conceive +for him a deadly hatred and contempt. But these are some of our Italian +extravagances. I expected and longed for a hero to help me - and when +anyone came to me with this pretension, but fell considerably below the +mark of a hero, I wished him to the devil and would have liked to kick +him out of my door. Here in my house of meditation by the sea, I have +learned to consider that the young priest possessed many talents, great +learning, a keen knowledge of human nature, a clear, practical mind, an +ambition careful enough not to seek base means for attaining the firmly +desired goal, and a religious conviction which, whether inborn, +acquired, or adopted, needed no further confirmation, and gave him +sufficient tranquillity of mind to set himself with all his might to +acquire the things which, among those his religion allowed, seemed to +him the most desirable. + +But oh! the deadly and sterile assurance of these people. Their +confession of faith was not a living, blooming thing that under +continuous distress and delight, daily revealed itself as richer and +more beautiful; not a constantly changing, flowing stream, with its +substance watering and making fruitful the entire world; it was a +heavy, unchanging, tightly shut, square strongbox that stood in a comer +of their lives, safe and well stocked, from which, at stated times +only, and in proportion to their moral needs, they went to cut off the +coupons of tranquillity of mind and spiritual consolation. + +He was so astonishingly calm, so tremendously sure of himself, so well +versed in his patriarchs, so practised in all logical disputes, so +thoroughly at home in all the eaves and the alleys, the case-mates and +the bastions of the citadel of his faith, that it seemed as though he +might dare take it up with all the doubters on earth. And yet how poor +he seemed to me, how naked and miserable, locked up in his formulated +system, like a bug in the hollow of a dead piece of wood, helplessly +adrift upon the wild waters of reality. He was not a narrow-minded +fanatic either, and knew the issues of science as well or better than I +- but he had his words, his formulas, his logical snares and ropes, in +which he caught all these troublesome and unmanageable truths and +hitched them to his car of faith: the true word, the correct argument, +the convincing phraseology that is the fine and artfully painted +panorama which the devil employs to separate us from the free true +world. + +I was exacting in those days and was not contented with the people, who +were no better than they could be. I did not understand that they felt +it as a duty to submit to the ideas of the group, just as I felt it my +duty to break loose from it. I did not recognize the relative value of +their virtues, because they seemed to me like cyphers, in front of +which the unit of highest virtue, the naught-fearing love of reality, +was missing. And I was still too timid and too modest to give every man +his due cold-bloodedly, to break the bond of absolute sincerity with +him, and to mount the steep path of pride which each truly pious man, - +as you and I, dear reader, - alas! is obliged to take against his will +and pleasure, under penalty of losing time, life and strength, and the +subtle discernment of God's loving signal light, in idle strife and +struggle. + +I shall not name the man here at present: he is already a cardinal, and +when you read this he may be pope. Through negative influence he has +exerted a tremendous effect upon my life. My mother admired and honored +him highly, and it was as though with her own hand she thereby took the +shining halo from her head and smashed it upon the pavement. I could +not be mistaken in this priest: the very highest humanity, the fine +tentacles constantly reaching out toward the divine, the continuous +growing and seeking, the true life were wanting in him. When I wanted +to ascend this path, he became blind and lame and refused to follow, +escaping and evading me by all kinds of winding rhetorical paths, with +a perfectly innocent expression of ignorance upon his pale, calm and +self-satisfied countenance. It was as though his eyes congealed - of my +burning desires they knew nothing. He could say every thing that he +believed, felt and desired, and the unutterable that made him feel and +desire thus and so was to him a word, not a vehemently and helplessly +loved and longed-for reality, as it was to me. This I saw, I felt, I +apprehended; there was no possibility of doubt. And thus I learned two +most important truths: first that all talk about the chiefest part of +our being is mere talk, that is to say, prattle and chatter, worth no +more, no less, and just as misleading and inadequate for mutual +communication and conviction, as all speech; secondly, that even the +best men in their most profound and sacred feelings let themselves be +ruled by other men, or groups of men, not necessarily better than they, +and that they do not realize this constraint, but go on thinking that +they themselves conceive and feel and accept with independent judgment +what is thrust on them by other human beings or human groups. + +For this priest considered himself more godly, wiser and better than my +mother and I, and all his masterly eloquence only proved the contrary +to me; and yet I saw that my mother was servile to him and adopted from +him what he again had adopted from the large group of his equals and +kindred spirits, and that all this took place without their realizing +it, through personal influence, and never, as they contended, through +the clear sense of the absolute, with the free judgment directed only +by God's subtle guidance. What became now of all the beautiful light of +Grace and Revelation? persuasion! nothing else! impress of personality +on personality! as the teacher impels the child, the market crier his +peasants, the general his loyal soldiers, the judge the timid witness, +and as the ruling idea - public opinion - impels every individual, +wholly beyond all reason or judgment, or absolute sense, no matter how +strongly, we all may imagine the contrary. + +These are subtle, cruel truths that deeply and grievously penetrate a +youthful spirit if it be open to them. You, dear reader, as an +all-renouncing lover of truth, know them as well as I. You know how +terribly corrosive, like a sharp acid, is their discovery, leaving +scarcely any of our ideals uncontaminated and sound. And consider +besides that my spirit was broken by the terrible memory of the +struggle which for years I had carried on with my father, and of his +awful death caused by my clinging to ideals that now indeed all seemed +nerveless illusions. + +In my artlessness I had thought that the church in which my mother +found peace and consolation would elect none but chosen heroes among +men as her servants and priests. The very best would scarcely be good +enough for such a dignity. + +Instead of this I saw how the first youngster that came along, with a +little hard pegging and servility could work his way up to the +priesthood; how the average stood no higher than the common masses; and +how, among my people, they were more looked down upon and derided than +venerated. And even the very best among them, the highest dignitaries, +were not the heroes, the poets and the sages, who by virtue of their +great human gifts were fitted to be the elect and leaders; but merely +the clever and ambitious, who possessed a little more of that +particular proficiency which helps one on in politics, too - but has +nothing to do with the divine. + +If ever I stood close to ruin, it was then. I had lost all hold. My +beloved was far away in the arms of one whom I deemed unworthy; my +saint had lost her crown; my father's voice now seemed to ask me with +mocking emphasis whether it had not been better either to continue +living with him or to go with him into death. + +Do you know who saved me, dear reader? Not the beautiful Lucia, whom I +pitied with tender compassion because she was, after all, nothing but a +slight feather upon my mother's breath, - but none less than Satan +himself. Satan saved me, Satan, dear reader; hold this well in mind! +Here is the profound explanation of his nature: he saved me because he +manifested himself so clearly and unmistakably that I simply had to +continue believing in him. And whoever believes in evil as evil cannot +be lost. Just as I, even as later the young scapegrace Nietzsche, +wanted to make a bolt over good and evil, I faced Satan, and the evil +one was so kind that he did me a better turn than any kind human being +ever did me. + +As if to manifest himself very plainly, Satan, following the custom of +all mighty principles, became incarnate. I came into contact with a +young seminary student, who bore the name of an archangel and with it a +face that resembled that of the prince of fallen angels more closely +than any known to me. He even, as if to emphasize this, twisted his +black locks above his low forehead in such a way that two horns +appeared to be hidden under them. His eyelids hung rather low over his +brown eyes, that peeped out furtively, and narrowing, twinkled kindly, +while the straight thin-lipped mouth, above the long chin, uttered the +most cruel sarcasms in a high, almost feminine voice. + +And yet it was just this man who attracted me more than anyone I had +met in clerical circles. In the first place, by reason of his wit; for +he was an Irishman and full of those sharp and delicious jokes to which +I was very susceptible; but also, because he was the only one who +seemed to understand something of my great, dumb, impotent wrath at the +universal unwillingness of mankind - which at the time I had not yet +learned to look upon as impotence - to recognize the contradiction +between their teachings and their life. Once when he had attended a +conversation between my young teacher and myself, in which, as was my +wont, I had made fruitless efforts to make him sensible of what was +lacking in the entire priestly institution and to free myself from the +meshes of his arguments, he said in leaving: + +"You come at an opportune moment, dear Count Muralto! The rôle of +ingénue has long been vacant in our company. But you need not assume it +any more toward the directors. They are already aware of it now, and +there is such a thing as laying it on too thick." + +This remark aroused in me great astonishment and interest. I +immediately began to question Michael. Above all, I wished to know how +he found it possible, with such thoughts in his head, to wish to become +a priest. + +"That's not so difficult," said Michael, "if only you learn to keep +order in your thoughts. It all depends on order and exactness, on a +careful double bookkeeping. Every good business man has a private +bank-account which has nothing to do with the business. In the same way +we must learn to keep our private thoughts out of the business. That is +all." + +"I am afraid that I shall never learn to look upon the most sacred +office as a merchant's trade." + +"Well played, dear ingénue!" said Michael; "but on the verge of +foolishness. To look down upon merchants and business is no longer +naïve, but foolish. Without merchants the Holy Father himself would +starve in prison. The whole world is a trading concern and there's no +harm in that. Our business we rightly call the sacred business because, +at all events, it is still the most trustworthy firm in existence. I +consider it a great honor that I may be its youngest servant and am +thankful that at the same time it can, if I keep my wits about me, also +become a pleasure. The demand that I keep the private account of my +ideas carefully separate from the ledger of the firm, so as not to +cause confusion, I consider very just and moderate. It is so in all +large and practical affairs. There's nothing like order, said the +farmer as he screwed the lid on the coffin of his grandmother, who lay +in a trance and wanted to get out again. Can you make a uniform that +will fit every soldier? Can you fashion a net in which each little fish +will find a mesh exactly fitting its own dimensions? No doctrine is +true for everyone, and no law is just for all. Each must have a care +that he get through the meshes." + +"I must admit, brother Michael, that I think your cynicism more +tolerable and more upright than the obstinate hypocrisy of our +prelates. And what you say about the law that cannot be just for all +seems to me worthy of consideration." + +"Cynicism! hypocrisy!" brother Michael cried out with a silencing +gesture. "My dear young man, how wildly you throw your rotten apples. A +dog is a good-natured and clever animal, but for that reason it is not +doggish to discriminate correctly. And as long as you artless +blockheads do not understand that proper and successful hypocrisy is +the primal Christian virtue, the practising of which belongs to the +highest religious duties already taught by the Trinity, so long nothing +will come of the Kingdom of God." + +After this conversation, about which I said nothing to my mother, I +changed and my attitude became more reserved, cautious and suspicious. +More and more I began with profound amazement to understand the curious +and appalling condition of our social system. But meanwhile the +turbulent passions in me were not calmed and my difficulties remained +the same. As long as I lived in the hopeful suspense of the shipwrecked +who believes that the haven of safety is in sight, the dogs were still. +But when this again ended in disappointment, they grew restive, bold +and troublesome. With every weakening of the spirit and joy in life our +wild beasts get a looser rein, as a ship when its course is blocked +pays less attention to the rudder. + +The more I was disappointed in humanity, the more I began to give ear +to the women who in Rome, more vociferous than in London, rioting and +ranting often like unto a band of mænads, go out at night, upon the +hunt for men. And it was not many weeks before just that peculiar +temptation which does not put itself forth with wanton or charming +thoughtlessness, but with good-natured and cold shamelessness debases +itself, had discovered me in my defencelessness and made of me an easy +prey. + +The complex feeling of self-contempt, shame, assumed light-heartedness, +fear of undesired encounters, and yet more despicable fear of thieves +and cut-throats, that in the shadow of the dark doorways of Rome's +disreputable houses, luxuriantly flourishes in the soil of a bad +conscience, is not deserving of envy; especially when, as in my case, +there is the aggravating circumstance that, in face of an entire +haughty priesthood, one has dared to consider oneself a better man, and +has shown this more or less. + +Thus it was a monstrous shock for me and a most miserable cold douche +of temerity over my proud aristocrat's heart when at such a moment, my +temptress having struck a match on the wall, the brightly flickering +flame suddenly lit up the satanic visage of brother Michael, who, after +first having leered at me cautiously and a bit perplexed, broke out +into a truly devilish burst of laughter. + +"Well met! Well met!" he cried out in his mother tongue, and then the +witches' words from Macbeth: "When shall we three meet again?" + +I confess, dear reader, that I stood there most miserably confused and +ashamed, absolutely and utterly without self-control. But I stuttered +out something resembling a reproach and a justification: + +"I, at least, wear no clerical garb." + +"Neither do I," said Michael; "I am incognito on private business." + +"Oh!" said I scornfully; "concerning the double book-keeping!" + +"Exactly, dear ingénue!" said Michael, with his most sweetish smile. +"Concerning the double book-keeping, you have remembered it well. But +go on, don't let me disturb you! Perhaps I'll be back later." + +But in my fright I had already turned about, and ran swiftly up the +street, followed by some not very flattering remarks from the woman who +had been disappointed in her pursuit. Michael overtook me. + +"Two negatives constitute one positive," said he. "Two sinners together +arouse virtue. It seems to me we might as well have converted the fair +sinner also." + +Like an instinct for self-preservation in the most desperate danger, so +man follows an instinct of self-justification in the most hopeless +disgrace. + +"Brutes we both of us are, Michael, but I at least acknowledge it. I +loathe myself. You, tomorrow, must don your saintly garb and hide under +it your rottenness and foulness. I do not envy you." + +"It does not befit us, dear Muralto, to loathe one whom God has created +after his own image. We have every one of us been saddled with a +portion of filth and it does not seem enviable to me to work that off +alone, as you. I can go to confession and belong to a large friendly +circle, where they one and all are bitten by the same fleas and must +chop with the same hatchet. We understand one another, and trust one +another and forgive one another and help one another. There are weak +brothers and strong brothers, we all of us know that, and we do not +despise one another for that reason. This seems to me a much more +desirable way of carrying your burden than as you do, who shoulder it +alone. We at least do not dissemble toward one another, but you play +the part of ingénue, not only toward the entire commonalty, but even +toward us who know quite well what to think of your pretension to moral +superiority." + +I felt that I should succumb to this struggle. I gave it up. With a +cool bow I parted from him and from that moment avoided all association +with younger or older members of the clergy. Though I was willing to +assume that I had not met the best soldiers of the camp, still the +honor of fighting in their ranks did not entice me. I preferred, after +all, to fight it out alone. + +From this moment on my seclusion begins: I felt that Michael was right +- my pretensions were ridiculous, I had nothing by which I could claim +superiority, I was a hypocrite, I played an underhand game as well as +they whom I seemed to look down upon. + +And yet - and yet - I felt that I was not understood, that my erring +was different from theirs, and that my piety had a quality lacking in +theirs. And this undestroyable consciousness of a superiority, which I +could not make prevail, of an inner life which I could not find in +anyone and could reveal to none, drove me back into total, absolute +solitude and inner separation from the human world in which I had to +move. + +This is an old story that constantly repeats itself. You know it all +too well, do you not, reader? And we are not the only ones to undergo +this process. In thousands and thousands of every generation the new +life attempts to break the old group-ideas. In most of them it is +overcome and subjected to the old. In a very few it breaks loose, +prevails for a moment, and then is annihilated in the tragic +destruction of body and soul by a death of torture, suicide, or +insanity, as an inspiring example for a few, as a disheartening warning +to many. In still others, as in you and me, dear reader, it finds a way +of maintaining itself in the hostile world, protected by a tough hide +of pretext and disguise, as the tiny seed swallowed by the birds +withstands assimilation and, thrown out, finds a way of growth. + +Thus for twenty years I have wandered about like a stranger in the +world, apparently wholly subjected and belonging to it, but inwardly +totally estranged, leading an independent life of my own: all this time +inwardly struggling without rest, without peace in a battle apparently +hopeless; until, strengthened and taught by a brief period of bright, +true living, of blithe, vigorous action and nameless, deep sorrow, I +have now entered with wholly different feelings, with trust and +resignation, this last voluntary hermitage, to build with glad delight +and joyous insight upon the mansion of the future. + +I told my mother that nothing would probably come of my priesthood. She +listened to it with the passive calmness which had grown customary to +her through continuous practice in forced resignation, but which did +not hide from the subtle observer the undercurrents of very ordinary +human passions and desires. I had gradually come to observe these so +plainly that the lack of self-perception in her grew constantly more +difficult for me to bear without irritation. + +This time I saw that she readily abandoned the proud hope of seeing her +son a priest, for the possibility of now achieving the realization of +her favorite marriage scheme. But she intended to show only sorrow and +compassion, and shaking her head, she said: + +"So your pride is not overcome, the viper's head not crushed, poor +Vico?" + +"I am obedient to that which is most divine in me, mother." + +"Your human sense, you mean? Or your human pride?" + +"Mother, what other means have we for distinguishing the truth save the +sense that tells us: 'this is true!' exactly as our eye tells us: 'this +is light!' and our skin: 'this is warm!' Would you have me say: 'this +is darkness,' where I see light, or 'this is right,' where I see wrong, +only because you call it right?" + +"I cannot argue with you, Vico. Do what seems right to you. I have +learned to be resigned." + +"But you desire my happiness, don't you, mother?" + +"Ah, dear son, I wish that people would stop seeking for their +happiness. It is all deception and vanity, a bright soap bubble. I have +never known happiness, but have learned to sacrifice all pleasure and +all joy for love of the Saviour." + +"Listen a second, mother!" said I, now no longer wholly suppressing my +anger; "if you tell me that there are phantom joys and false happiness +and that we must be careful not to fling ourselves away on these, I'll +admit you are perfectly right. But if you want to make me believe that +the desire for joy and happiness, which was given to all of us, is a +devilish invention that we must not obey - then I call your world a +chaos and your life an offence. The very deepest, all-controlling basis +of our passions is that for happiness and joy, for the true, lasting, +peace-giving happiness, that we sometimes mistakenly seek in idle +pleasures. If God has created us with the intention that we should not +follow the most profound, all-controlling passion he has planted in us, +then God is a foot who has given life to cripples. Profoundly as I have +searched myself, I always find the impulse toward light, toward beauty, +toward happiness - to wish to turn me from it is to wish to destroy me. +Never will I be able to follow another guiding star, for I have none, +nor do I see one in any other person. And to none, to none on earth or +in the heavens, shall I subject myself so slavishly as to deny for him +my true, profoundest nature." + +My mother carried her handkerchief to her eyes and shook her head with +a sad shrug of the shoulders, but she did not reply. + +Then as a lure I dropped a word, to see whether I understood her +rightly - better than she understood herself. + +"Isn't Lucia coming? We were to drive to the Pincio?" + +The handkerchief dropped and her eyes sparkled a moment. "Lucia? Of +course she is coming. I did not know that you intended to go with us." + +Then I knew that I had guessed right, and it was this that estranged me +from my mother, while I gave in nevertheless to her unconscious desire. + +XII + +Call Holland a dreamy country because its beauty is as that of a dream. +Sometimes it is black, wildly inhospitable and dispiriting - and +suddenly, in calm, mild weather, the entire country with its trees, +canals, cities and inhabitants sparkles in an indescribable tender +radiance, enhancing everything with a deep mysterious meaning +impossible to explain or describe more fully, and resembling the +peculiar beauty of dreams. One must have seen my little city from the +sea on a still, clear September eve, when the sun goes to bide behind +the bell-tower, flooding the cloudless, luminous blue-green heavens +with orange and gold, when pastures and the shadows of trees merged in +a fairy tinted blue haze unite in wondrous harmony - when the milkers +come home with heavy tread, balancing at their sides the pails of +cobalt blue - when all that sounds is harmonious from the striking of +the clock on the tower to the rattling of a homeward driving cart, and +all that breathes from the coarse Hollanders to the dull cows seems +wrapped in this selfsame peaceful, poetic evening bliss - one must have +seen it thus to understand how much all this resembles the wondrous +illusion of our dreams, when in some inexplicable manner the simplest +object gleams with a glow of heavenly splendor and unspeakable beauty +and for days can fill our memory with the bliss of it. + +But the inhabitants of this dreamy little country do not like to be +called dreamy. As I understand the word, it is a compliment better +deserved by my own countrymen; but the Hollanders themselves feel +flattered, though quite erroneously, when I casually remark at the club +that the Italians are a much dreamier people than they. To the +Hollander a dreamer is a blockhead and a dullard, and our broker, a +little fellow with gray beard and little leering cunningly-stupid eyes, +who thinks himself very smart because he knows bow to eke out a profit +everywhere and thus to swell his bank account, always states with much +satisfaction that he never knew what it was to dream. When he sleeps he +sleeps absolutely and is conscious of nothing, thus - of less even than +when he is awake. And the doctor - a fat jovial young fellow of strong +mulatto type and popular for his good-natured cordiality and stale +college jokes - says that all dreams are pathological and the best +medicine for them is a good cigar and a stiff rum punch before retiring. + +A Dutch peasant in his blue blouse, on a meadow flooded by the golden +evening sun, amongst the black and white cattle, with a background of +white and pale green dunes in fine undulating outline, is a marvel of +dream beauty. But he himself knows nothing of this, as little or even +less than the cow beside him. And the broker and the doctor only +recognize it when a dreamer such as Rembrandt or Ruysdaal has revealed +it, and the papers record how many thousands of golden gilders their +reverie has yielded. But in my country the humblest peasant lad, +clambering barefooted and singing down the Piedmontese foothills behind +his black goats in the golden evening light, is enough of a dreamer to +have a clear conception of the grand concert of beauty whereof he is a +single tone. In the cities it is of course equally bad everywhere, and +dreamers are as rare among the sleek, smart officers and loungers of +the Toledo in Naples as among the portly, blond-bearded sons of the +merchants and shopkeepers in the Kalverstraat at Amsterdam. + +Now it also seems to me that he who dreams is more awake than he who +sleeps, and that he who spends a third part of his life in utter +unconsciousness better deserves to be called a sleepyhead and dullard, +than he for whom the dark nights are also vivid and rich with pulsing +life. To me it has always seemed a shame to lie like a stone for so +many hours, and to arise from sleep no wiser than when we sank into it. +And after having experienced several times in my early youth that sleep +possesses riches of sensations and a wealth of rapture that surpass the +intensest joys of brilliant day, shedding behind them a radiance that +penetrates the brightest daylight as sunshine penetrates an +electrically lighted hall, - I began to pay more attention to my dreams +and, especially in dreary joyless days, to look forward to the nights +in which I had unmistakably felt the shining presence of such great +treasure. + +As to the doctors' opinion regarding the morbidness of dreams, I refer +again to my observations on the philistinism prevalent among +physicians, and I know from very positive experience that there are +healthy as well as morbid sensations in sleep, precisely as in the +day-life. I may speak with some authority because in my day-life I +never experienced any serious morbid disorder and no doctor could ever +cast a doubt on the excellence of my health. Yet for me a dreamless +night is a bad night, and I call the man who passes his days in the +following of perverted and inharmonious impulses, in deviations from +the good instincts for refreshment and nourishment, for propagation and +accumulation, for peace and happiness, and his nights in dull +unconsciousness and thoughtlessness, dead as a cork, or at most, a +little mad temporarily from foolish and confused dreams, - such a man +I, with good reason, call sickly and abnormal. + +For our highest instinct, that like a stately royal stag, proudly +holding aloft his widely branching antlers, should take the lead of all +the wanton and timid flock of our impulses and passions uniting and +guarding them, is the impulse toward beauty, toward sublimity, and +toward purest blessedness. Even the mighty passion for knowledge, which +impels us so untiringly to seek for the secret of life, is subordinate +to this, though it is the second in rank - the most beautiful hind of +the flock. + +And if in our sleep and dreams we perceive, more distinctly than in the +day life, signs of the highest beauty and the purest bliss, - should we +not then give them our closest attention? + +And this I would now point out to you, dear reader, as the first new +idea, strange - till now - to the present world, the first +thought-child pulsing with life and future promise, born of the +profound union of my experience and contemplation: + +The solution of the secret of our lives lies in our dreams. + +You think - do you not? - that this solution is not attainable to man. +Nor indeed is it - at least not to mortal man. And yet all mankind, +through the medium of its naturalists, is patiently and hopefully +seeking it. But, though they have already unearthed much that is +useful, measuring and recording and comparing with ever finer and +sharper instruments, they are still digging in a direction that +inevitably leads into a blind alley. + +For the manifestations of day-life, the only ones that attract the +attention of the searchers, do not reach beyond the grave and end with +the withering of the body. But the manifestations of sleep, yet +unexplored and unmeasured, begin where the eyes are shut, the ears do +not hear, the skin does not feel, and extend into the regions +concerning which we want enlightenment as much as - yes, even more than +- concerning the sphere of day. + +As long as I can remember, I have always been a great and vivid +dreamer; therefore I know I must count myself among the breakers of +suggestion, among the pathfinders, just as you too, dear reader and +sympathizer, are one of them. And therefore, also, when the ideas of +the group and traditional creed became too narrow for me and neither +the words of my great hero brothers, nor intercourse with my +contemporaries, nor the latest discoveries of science could satisfy me, +I could forthwith see an outlet and discover light on a path which no +one had yet pointed out to me and none, before me, had trod. Thus my +alienation from the world has not made me unruly. Thus alone is it +possible for me to find peace and contentment in this life amid narrow, +sordid souls and barbarians. For aside from my monotonous daily life, +with brief moments of rapture aroused by the beauty of these low lands +and the sea, by work and study, I have the rich nights full of +marvelous mystic realities which I gratefully and attentively observe +and record by day. Thus, despite the loss of all that was dear to me, I +am happy in the consciousness of being a useful laborer in the fields +of the future, ploughing. + +"For the promise of a later birth + +The wilderness of this Elysian earth." + +Before, therefore, speaking to you of my marriage to Lucia del Bono and +the long, outwardly prosperous period following, I must acquaint you +with my nocturnal observations. + +The dreams of terror and bliss, that to you too surely are not unknown, +I dreamed with vivid intensity. And it had immediately struck me that +their vehement sensations - the inexplicable, deadly, hopeless terror +and disgust or the wondrous, perfect bliss were quite disproportionate +to, and could not be explained by, the things we saw and experienced in +the dream. I remember a dream of a bare, gray room, without windows or +furniture, and moving about in a corner some indistinct object, whose +terrifying weird impression could make me shudder even by day; another +one of a small, narrow, square courtyard enclosed by high walls +overgrown with ivy, which was also gruesome and appalling beyond +description, - and then again blissful dreams of meetings with a +strange youth or maiden in some unknown garden, or in a rocky valley +with gigantic golden-leaved chestnut trees, whose memory filled me with +sweet delight for days and weeks - yes! that even now in my old age can +make me happy when I vividly recall them. + +No one hearing such a dream recounted would be able to comprehend its +impressions of terror or delight. Only this was plain to we - that the +blissful dreams dealt with love. In my earliest youth it was a boy whom +I would meet in my dreams and who by a single word, without much sense, +would make me marvellously happy and the scenery around him glorious; +later it was a girl. The boy and the girl returned several times, +though not very often, and did not resemble any friend or sweetheart of +my day-life. + +At first the weird terror seemed much more mysterious, for it was +connected in some unaccountable way with the simplest and most innocent +objects and scenes I dreamed of. + +We, indeed, talk of nightmare and usually seek its cause in a poor +digestion and the doctors talk a great deal about improper circulation +and suggest all kinds of remedies. But throughout a long life I have +been a close observer and have come to the conclusion that indigestion +and improper circulation are no more the cause of this nightly terror +than of rain and wind, though a frail condition will make the one as +well as the other harder to endure. Wait, my reader, until you are as +old and experienced a dreamer as I am, and you shall see for yourself +these terror-inspirers and bloodcurdlers, these buffoons and jesters at +work in the shapes in which Breughel and Teniers portrayed them in so +life-like a manner. You shall learn to know their tricks and malicious +inventions, and the queer furnishings of their dwelling sphere. You +shall learn to track them, as it were, - as the dog tracks the game - +by their peculiar scent of gruesomeness. You shall see them unfolding +their loathsome and dark spectacles before you -their battlefields +reeking with blood, their swamps filled with corpses - besmirching your +path with mud, and playing fantastic tricks on you without its causing +you the slightest degree of alarm or fear, or depressing you as it did +before you knew the cause of all these things - because now you +apprehend them in their wretched malignity and dare to face them and, +if need be, duly to chastise them. + +These are the creatures that Shelley calls + +"The ghastly people of the realm of dreams," + +and of whose miserable existence and restless activity neither he, nor +Goethe, nor any other of the world's sages and seers ever doubted. + +Indeed, would not this doubt signify that we are ourselves responsible +for the multitude of horrible, utterly vulgar, heinous and vile or +obscene illusions that menace us at night and yet all bear an +unmistakable imprint of thought and imagination, compiled with reason +and deliberation, and thus betray a thinking mind though a low-thinking +one? Do you not know the dream in which you know yourself to be guilty +of murder, of bloody murder through covetousness, of theft, or of +plotting to kill and inciting the innocent to it -with all the horrid +retinue of fear of discovery and lies upon lies to escape it? And do +you hold your own soul responsible for this? Or do you believe that +chance can beget such artfully contrived complexities? + +It was this sort of deception that incited me to indignant defiance. +The war I had to carry on by day against my troublesome passions, also +put me on my guard at night, and I would not absolve myself with the +excuse that sleep renders irresponsible. For I knew that it was I, +myself, I, Lodovico Muralto, an honest, well-meaning fellow, who in the +dream-life of night had done and felt all kinds of malicious wicked and +low-minded things, and I would not have it. + +Not only the baseness, but also the absurdities of dreams, exasperated +me. Night after night I was imposed upon and led about by the nose in +the most ridiculous fashion. It often seemed as though my most earnest +resolutions and most sacred feelings were the very ones to draw their +shafts of ridicule. And morning after morning it was not only with +surprise, but also with growing shame and wrath that I discovered on +awakening, how absurdly I had again been fooled. This could not issue +from myself, it must have been thrust on me; it was suggestion, +infusion, that menaced and confounded my mind and judgment, and I was +determined not to endure it. I would not stand it and earnestly sought +a means of defending my healthy soul and free judgment. Thus I may say +that my vehement lifelong struggle for self-purification and advance +toward salvation was doubled, being carried on by night as well as by +day, and indeed to great advantage. For it is the same soul, and they +are the same forces which by night as well as by day act and react upon +one another, and life with the physical senses of day has been made not +a little clearer to me by the nightly senseless life. + +I accustomed myself to memorize carefully in the morning what had +occurred to me throughout the night, and in the evening before going to +sleep to form fixed resolutions, auto-suggestions which should continue +working also in my dream life. + +And I realized that the first essentials were: observation, attention, +self-consciousness also in dreams. Who would not be cheated must be on +his guard. Thus while dreaming, I wanted above all to realize that I +was dreaming and not to lose the tie of memory connecting me with the +day-life. Every night I stood before the dark cavern of sleep, like +Theseus with Ariadne's thread in his hand, and I knew, as you perhaps +do too, reader, through chance experience - that such retention of +memory is possible. Has it not happened to you often while dreaming +that startled by some dangerous beast, or confronted by a steep +precipice, you have calmed yourself with the vague consciousness: after +all it's nothing but a dream? This consciousness I wished to cultivate +and to strengthen until it should become fixed and lasting. And after a +while, one night while dreaming of a blossoming orchard in Italy, I +succeeded in observing with thorough consciousness. I saw the branches +as they crossed one another, and the festoons of vines stretching from +tree to tree, whilst I soared through, a few yards from the ground, +with a pale blue sky above me. And while observing yet more closely I +pondered how it was possible to reproduce so exactly and minutely in a +vision obviously emanating from myself and which I had myself created, +the apparent motions of these myriad crossing twigs and the confusion +of the young foliage. And in my dream, and realizing that I was +dreaming, I came to the conclusion that this vision must be a reality, +an objective reality as the philosophers of reason would say, because +to me - the observer - it manifested a distinctly personal existence. +As I soared by, the twigs described their apparent motions exactly as I +had observed by day, and how should I, who could not even draw a tree, +be able to create these extraordinarily compiled moving images? And at +the same time, now thoroughly wide awake in the midst of what I +recognized as a deep sound sleep, I pondered upon the visionary +impressions of day-life which have been explained by the effect upon +the wonderfully constructed eye, of infinitely fine, infinitely swift +vibrations of light, which are sent out from objects whose construction +includes a no less complicated combination of billions and trillions of +molecules - and how these identical impressions with exactly the same +results were now attained, as a clearly felt and calmly observed +reality, while my eyes were shut and the world of day-life remote - +thus that there must be something which could reproduce all these +infinite combinations of light vibrations and molecular motions with an +absolutely equivalent effect. + +And before having yourself tasted such delight, reader, you cannot +imagine my elation when, on awakening, I found that my attempt had met +with success, that I had gone on observing - attentively observing, and +thinking - thinking deeply and clearly, with full recollection and calm +self-consciousness in that mysterious, senseless sphere of wonder and +deception. + +The philistine philosophers will talk of "delusion" and contend that +only the perceptions of day are real and those of sleep a mere +delusion. But I have said it before: there is no delusion, or - +everything is delusion. What realities does the day possess beyond +perception? And because the perceptions of sleep are more fleeting, +more unconnected, more mysterious, does it follow that they do not +exist or that they deserve no attention? Through the very strangeness +of their nature, which has no need of our senses, their study promises +richer revelations than are found in day-life, but what they primarily +demand is steadiness and clearness of the mind that would contemplate +them, with the same purpose and precision with which the realities of +day-life are searched. + +My delight at this first success filled me all the day, and the comfort +and joy found in this unexplored domain of study has not forsaken me to +the present day and has helped me to bear a hard life with fortitude. + +I now determined, by constant practice, to go further, to observe +longer and with still greater accuracy and also, above all, to try to +what extent I could act voluntarily in this senseless sphere. In my +first elation I hoped that I might sometime reach the point where I +could pass from waking to sleeping without loss of consciousness, and +night after night contemplate the dream-sphere with all the calmness of +day - thus doubling my entire life. Moreover, I hoped to fight the evil +and demonic, to seek the pure and heavenly and perhaps also to dig up +from the unknown world of perception, other precious facts. + +Of course my exaggerated expectations met with disappointment. Only +very slowly can we gain ground in a field so wholly unknown. I must +content myself with leaving behind a series of honest and careful +observations which will be repeated and put to test by others. To you, +my reader, if the time be spared me, I will bequeath them in writing +for your perusal, well ordered as a guide for further research. I know +that you can follow the path pointed out by me and penetrate further +than I. + +For the present I will only briefly mention that although my +expectations were not fulfilled in the measure hoped for, yet not any +one of them was wholly disappointed. + +To retain the clearness of mind night after night throughout the entire +duration of sleep - that I never achieved. The moments of observation +were and ever continued to be of brief duration, and they came at long +intervals. Sometimes there is nothing to observe for weeks; then again +two or three good nights follow in succession. The conditions for +satisfactory observation are: excellent health, perfect equilibrium of +mind and body, and the deep refreshing sleep toward morning, when the +body and the senses are in a state of absolute passiveness and calm. + + +Nell' ora che comincia, i tristi lai + +la rondinella presso la mattina, + +- - - - - - + +e che la mente nostra pellegrina + +più dalla, carne e men da' pensier presa, + +alle sue vision quasi è divina. + + +A few times only did I succeed in falling asleep with unbroken +consciousness. This occurred when I was very tired and fell quickly +into a deep sleep. Then all at once I would realize with a wonderful +sensation of joy and relief that the desired sleep had come, and I +thought, enjoyed, observed, determined and acted with calm deliberation +in the glad conviction that my body, whose weariness I no longer felt, +had found its needed refreshment without necessitating a suspension of +the vital activities of my senseless and invisible being. But these +extremely favorable conditions are rare; usually I feel myself gliding +rapidly through the sphere of perception, anxious lest it should pass +before I have made the most of it. + +A long series of observations has made clear to me this above all: that +there are various spheres which, on gaining consciousness, one +immediately recognizes by their peculiar atmosphere, impossible more +closely to describe. One knows what depths, what fields of observation +one traverses. + +There is a sphere wherein we see again the world of day-life - the +earth we have seen with its landscapes and habitations - all strangely +altered. It is not the same, but we know: this is meant. + +Thus over and over again many a night I saw my paternal home in the +city with its old-time luxury - but in its dream image. Moreover Lake +Como and the forest of Gombo, near Pisa, and also England and the North +Sea - but it is always the dream sea, and the dream forest, and the +dream London, differing totally from the realities of day. But they +themselves remain the same and without exception I immediately +recognize them. + +Thus there is a sphere of ecstasy and great joy. In this our +consciousness of self is strongest, and it is impossible to give an +idea of the wonderful clearness with which one views and admires +everything, and the undoubted sense of a reality, though wholly unlike +the reality of our waking hours. One sees vast, splendid, more or less +clearly lighted landscapes, fashioned indeed according to earthy +pattern, with mountains, trees, seas and rivers, but more beautiful and +filling us with overwhelming admiration. And one sees them perfectly +distinctly, with sharp intensity and full consciousness. + +In this sphere one also possesses a peculiar body with very intense +corporal feeling and definite qualities. One feels one's own eyes +opened wide and sees with them, one feels one's mouth and speaks and +sings at the top of one's voice - wondering meanwhile that the sleeping +body should lie there still as death - one sees one's own hands and +feet and the clothes one wears, resembling the clothes worn by day. It +is all a little different, it is seen fleetingly as through running +water, and it changes also through the influence of pronounced will. +But one recognizes the dream-body exactly as one recognizes the waking +body, when one has again returned to it. And one retains the sense +recollection of both, each independent of the other. One remembers on +awaking that the dream body has been actively stirring, but the waking +body knows that it has been lying calm and still, though not wholly +dead, for an unaccustomed noise would have wakened it. And the +dream-body possesses all the sense perceptions and all the energies of +the waking body and even more, for it can not only see, feel, hear, +taste and smell, but also think very clearly and discern more delicate +subtleties of mood. Yes! this last it does with such unwonted subtlety +and acuteness that one cannot compare it to any sense perception of day +and might with good reason speak of a new sense. And it can soar and +fly. It feels light and free - though the waking body is wrapped in the +deep sleep of weariness, the dream-body in this sphere is always +supple, light and delightful beyond description. This ability to fly is +always the infallible proclaimer of the advent of the joy-sphere. But +this soaring power is not unlimited. The dream-body can safely descend +into the deepest chasm, but it cannot rise to every height. Ascending +requires exertion and often meets with failure despite the greatest +efforts. + +The careful observation of the reversion of the one body into the other +on awakening is most remarkable. + +One can always wake voluntarily from this joy-sphere. And to me it is +an ever recurring and never waning wonder when the two bodies, each +with its distinct bodily recollection, merge into one another. The +dream-body, let us imagine, assumes an attitude, with arms stretched +out and raised high above the head, and it shouts and sings, but at the +same time it knows the sleeping body, still as death, is lying on its +right side, with arms folded over the breast; this seems impossible, +however, so distinct is the consciousness of speech, of the muscles, of +the open eyes ? and yet there follows a single indescribable moment of +transition and we regain the physical consciousness of the sleeping +body with the memory of having lain silent, immovable, unseeing, in +quite another attitude. + +Who once has observed this, as I have hundreds of times observed it, no +longer meets with flat denial the supposition that the decline and +decay of this visible body does not exclude the possibility of +reintegration and of renewed consciousness, will and perception. No +more will he dare to confirm my father's opinion that we possess no +sign or proof of the existence of any part of our being, whether we +call it "soul" or "spectre" or by another name, that can separate +itself from the visible body. + +It was this sphere of joy which I always hoped to regain and the +attainment of which made me happy all day. In this sphere I can make +music and sing wonderfully - a talent wherein by day I do not, alas, +excel. In this sphere I can also exert influence on myself and on the +life of day. A strong suggestion uttered by my dream-body acts upon my +waking body and drives away weariness, dejection and some of the slight +disorders that sometimes trouble me. + +But what is of greater importance - in the joy-sphere I can pray +without shame or embarrassment. Then I pour out my whole heart - I who +was never a good speaker - in lucid, fervent, flowing language, +thanking, asking, praising. + +Auto-suggestion? Yes, surely! Yet of very peculiar kind. For there is +response. Response that has never wholly deceived me. When, in this +wonderful sphere, I pray in transcendent rapture - subtle, silent, +deeply significant signs take place in the wonderful landscape before +my eyes. A soft veil of clouds obscures the light, as a warning of +danger or calamity, - a great glowing brilliance rises behind me or at +my side as an encouraging greeting, - a light layer of clouds gradually +evaporates and a deep, dark, boundless, ravishing azure comes to view, +filling me with unknown comfort. Blue, an incomparably beautiful blue, +is the most characteristic color for this sphere. When I see blue I +know that all is well, that I am going right and safely, that divine +favor and support surround me. Blue is the cosmic color, the color of +sky and ocean, of the vaster universal life, just as green is the +telluric color, the color of the more limited earthly existence. + +Very gradually, very slowly, by repeated observation one acquires a +thorough knowledge of all these spheres and impressions. I have tried +to describe this more minutely in other writings. The full meaning can +naturally not be computed solely from my observations. Years of +repeated investigation by following generations are still required. But +an unknown perspective of seeing and knowing opens itself, where before +we could only believe and trust. + +If only for the purpose of rightly following the brief history of my +career in life, it will be necessary to know something of this +nocturnal life of observation, for it has greatly influenced my lot. I +record it, undisturbed by the fear that these pages may fall into the +hands of the herd of philistines. For they will look upon it as an idle +phantasy, as curious invention, in the style of some of the wonder +tales by Rudyard Kipling or H. G. Wells, conceived for their amusement. +You, dear reader, and ready sympathizer, will easily recognize the note +of truth. I am anything but phantastic, and am a faithful and devoted +follower of the sober naked truth; but I do not deny her because she +reveals herself by night instead of by day, and to me a revelation +remains a revelation, whether it does or does not come to me through +the senses. + +That the dream-spheres adhere to a definite arrangement and situation +as well as the area perceived by day, I consider likely, because they +appear in a fixed order of succession. Once only I was in a most +profound sphere from which I could not voluntarily awaken and in which +I had some very joyous encounters, - creatures resembling men but +without mortal cares and a winged child which, in my dream, I already +compared to Goethe's Euphorion, the child of Faust and Helena. This +sphere lay still deeper - though one must understand the word deep +wholly as a metaphor - than the beautiful joy-sphere with its vast +landscapes. + +The joy-sphere, however, is inevitably followed toward waking by the +sphere of the demons with their pranks and spook. This sphere is easily +recognizable. One sees the visionary objects sharply and clearly, but +they have an indescribable yet very distinct spectral character. A +single object, a brush, a horseshoe or anything of the kind may +suddenly come before my eyes and by the horror and ghastliness issuing +from it, I immediately recognize it as an invention of the demons. + +A very common pleasantry of this demon pack is to let you awaken +apparently. You imagine it is morning, open your eyes, look around and +recognize your bedroom. When you want to rise, however, you see all at +once that there is something strange, something weird and spectral +about the room - a chair moves by itself, an empty garment stalks +about, the windows, the light - everything is different, unaccustomed, +and all at once you realize that you are not yet awake, that you are +still dreaming and have landed in a world of spectres. The first few +times this occurred to me, I was frightened and nervously made strong +efforts to wake. But after a few experiences of this false awakening it +no longer caused me the slightest alarm. The curious spectre sphere +with its sharp outlines and intense light interested me, and I woke +from it voluntarily as easily and as calmly as from other dream-domains. + +This land of demons most dreamers frequent without knowing it, and even +to the present day, when my consciousness and memory are not very +clear, I easily let myself be deceived by it. Then come the mocking +dreams, the vile, offensive, bloody, immoral and obscene dreams. + +But when I come from the joy-sphere and thus have clear consciousness +and presence of mind, I see the strange images themselves in action, +while traversing this spectral world. I cannot describe them better +than Teniers and Breughel have portrayed them. This, however, the +artists could not convey to us: that they were constantly changing in +shape and color. And they do this not only of their own accord but also +at my command, and sometimes I amuse myself by letting them grow larger +or smaller, black or blue, and by making them assume curious shapes. +Amid throngs numbering hundreds of them I have moved about, and though +my power over them varies, yet I never feel again the old nameless +dread and when they become too obtrusive I can keep them at a distance +by vigorous words of authority and also by a lash of the whip. This +perhaps sounds strange to you, dear reader, but you must in truth +understand that even in the senseless sphere, thought alone is not +efficacious without a certain plastic expression in shape of a visible, +audible or palpable form. If this spectral company becomes too much for +me I must loudly command them, even shout at them, "begone," and if +that does no good I must wish for a whip - which forthwith appears - +and give them a sound thrashing. And I assure you, and you will +yourself experience it if you test my statements by personal +observation, that one never awakens more refreshed, never does there +follow a happier, serener and freer morning than after such a +successful struggle with the demons. Yet, it was this sort of fighting +that, more than all my efforts by day, has helped me to overcome my low +and vile temptations. Thus, much from the old transmitted tales +regarding evil visitations and struggles with demons has appeared true +to me in the light of new experience. + +Here I must warn you against a very strange and important peculiarity +of our dream-body and our dream-nature. In many respects it is superior +to our waking body - in sensitiveness of mood and feeling, in keenness +of vision, in the sense of peace, comfort and happiness, and also in +subtlety of thought. But in one respect it is weaker, namely - in the +control of passion. Once kindled to passion -in grief, in joy, in +rapture, in every soul-stirring emotion - it very speedily grows beyond +control. It then looses itself in countless extravagances, which the +contemplating judgment does not countenance, even deplores, but is +powerless to check or curb. From this I draw the conclusion that we +must learn to regulate and control our passions by day, for though the +senseless life is enriched by everything the day-life conveys to it, it +can only avail itself of well-mastered and disciplined passions. + +Therefore abiding in the demon-sphere is never without danger. If, with +a little too much self-confidence, I let myself be induced to assume a +less haughty and reserved manner, if I associated a little more +familiarly with the bold tribe, I soon repented, for I was carried +along by their wantonness and folly, I could no longer subdue the +laughter and extravagances, nor could I, to my own disgrace and sorrow, +restrain myself in my wrath toward them. + +And this most especially applies to licentiousness, of which they are +particularly ready to take advantage. They are past masters in +lascivious pranks and practised on my weakness with much success. I +soon noticed that they are sexless and can alternately appear as man or +woman. As long as I clearly realize this I have power over them. But +when the clearness of my consciousness and memory is dimmed they get +the better of me. + +Thus you must understand me rightly, dear reader, as regards the +salutary effect resulting from this demon fight. Struggling with demons +is not struggling with passions. Demons are enemies and stand outside +our own individual domain. But passions are our friends, the useful +domestic animals belonging to our own household, to the economy of our +own personal nature. The passions and emotions should be tamed, never +combatted. And this taming is accomplished by day, for at night they +are more difficult to master, and the body invisible to the senses, +that which can remain after the fading and wasting away of our material +body, has no longer the power to tame. It only harvests what is sown by +day. + +Yet this nocturnal life of struggle with the demon brood is extremely +stimulating to the soul, above all through the knowledge, the clearer +comprehension, the deeper insight with regard to our own obscure being +and its no less obscure besiegers. + +In the better, the higher or deeper dream-spheres impure lust and base +lasciviousness do not occur. Love transports of unknown splendor do, +however. But it is an almost unfailing characteristic of everything +pertaining to the joy-sphere, that it passes over sexual matters with a +curious disregard, and never carries with it any suggestion of that +lust for which we feel shame and humiliation. Yet there are in it +unions and raptures very similar to the love-life of day, though more +beautiful and tranquil. But the peculiar quality that is vile and +leaves behind aversion and disgust, is eliminated with subtle +separation. + +XIII + +The things I related to you in the preceding chapter are necessary for +the comprehension of my subsequent life. But they are the issues of an +entire lifetime, and in the years previous to my marriage, when I lived +with my mother and her protégée, I was only at the beginning and knew +yet very little of all this. I did not speak of it either, and in all +my later life I mentioned it to only one person. + +As my plan of entering the priesthood had come to naught, we were all +three glad to leave the sultry city of Rome. We went to Como, occupying +our villa at the lake. It was an old house with wainscotings of yellow +stucco and a sad air of ruined stateliness, of a splendor that even in +its prime had pretended to more than it really was. It was quite +different than my memory had pictured it. Much humbler, smaller - a +weak and feeble reflection of the solid marble splendor of antique and +renaissance which it affected to imitate. But this very decay now +spread over it an involuntary charm. For the garden with its cypresses, +mimosas, magnolias and roses had grown all the more beautiful in its +neglected wilderness, and we inhabited only a few rooms of the great +still house, making ourselves at home in the nooks and corners as +though we were caretakers instead of owners. And directly in front of +the garden was the lake, with its smooth extent of deep blue, with +satin or moiré sheen according as it was touched by the gentle breeze, +- and behind were the mountains with thousands of primulas, the purple +erica, and the pink and white Christmas rose. The brooklet was still +there - and the old pillared portico, where the stone showed from under +the crumbling stucco and the roses had pushed their way through the +stone paving and entwined the columns. + +Into this abode I withdrew, gathering books about me, and by study and +a quiet, temperate life endeavored to attain by myself the consecration +which I could not find in Rome. Lucia with her maid continued to live +with us, and I saw her and my mother at the meals, but aside from that +not often. + +They were rigorous, tranquil, secluded years, which may probably be +reckoned among the good years of my life. I quietly went my own way and +studied, following only the guidings of my inner thirst for knowledge. + +But the women waited, waited, and I did not see it, or did not heed it. +Bernard Shaw, the Benjamin and the enfant terrible among my brethren, +tries his best to show the world that it is the woman who wins the man +and not the reverse - and surely there is more truth in this than the +common herd suspects. But if one were to believe him, one should +imagine that the woman thereby considers only selfish ends and +primarily cares for, desires and accepts the man, because she finds him +useful to the interest of her deep-seated instincts, of the desired +good and beautiful child. But after all this is not true, and the woman +in her quiet, unnoticed, luring and combining activities does not want +to take only, but to give as well, above all to give, and usually she +values the husband higher than the father. + +Lucia was a very gentle woman, yet of firm character. She had the large +firm build and the regular, massive features of Titian's women, but her +eyes were softer, and showed less of that daringly exuberant spirit. + +She was also characteristically Latin and un-Germanic in her feelings +and sentiments. Without criticism she subjected herself to the +spiritual teachings of the group to which she belonged. The +conventional was an unalterable mental reality to her, tradition +possessed for her all the power of the living and the sublime. Thus the +conception of "honor" with all its personal and social facets was to +her as fixed, clear, clean-cut and immutable as a diamond. That it +might be variable, that some ages had called honorable what was now +considered dishonorable, and vice versa, on that she never reflected +and she did not seek for the lasting kernel of the changing idea. +Through this she possessed a serenity and peace of mind which, in my +perplexities, often seemed very enviable to me. She had no tendencies +which she despised, but also no ideals which, as I, she must constantly +curtail at life's behest. That a young bachelor like myself sometimes +allowed himself dissipations, was a fact which she passed over with a +light French step. And she bore allusions to it so undisturbed that it +often impressed me painfully. She did not seem to feel the +Englishwoman's need of upholding the illusion of prematrimonial purity +in both husband and wife, and though I recognized that she had a +perfect right to this way of thinking, yet it annoyed me and I +preferred Emmy's ingenuous or assumed blindness. + +But I also realized that Lucia's indulgence would be turned into an +equally rigid condemnation as soon as conventional bounds were +overstepped. What a young man did before his marriage had in Latin +countries never yet jeopardized his honor. But her honor as a wife, the +honor of the home, the honor of a family name - these were for her +circumscribed realities, which might be menaced by certain actions, and +which if need be she would sacrifice her life to defend. + +She had been reared in luxury, and on reaching her majority had a large +fortune at her disposal. But she never seemed to give it a thought, and +lived in my mother's house with the utmost simplicity. That my mother +cared just as little about it I dare not say, and for me this was +another reason for maintaining my stubborn resistance. It impressed me +most disagreeably to hear my mother forever talking of the +miserableness and worthlessness of the earthly life, and of the +blessedness hereafter as the only thing deserving of our attention, and +at the same time observe how with unconscious motherly matchmaking and +secret strategy she sought to arrange a rich marriage for her son. I +therefore resisted her silent machinations as much as was possible +without endangering the household peace. + +It profited me nothing, however. I was bound to lose this game because +I did not have my mind on it. The two women were determined to win it, +not with conscious deliberate intent, but as women want a thing with +all the obstinate strength of their mind, without ever saying a word +about it or admitting it to themselves. And I was absorbed in chemistry +and physics, in physiology and biology, my whole mind was engrossed in +the great endeavor to decipher something of the mysterious writ of the +phenomena of life and Nature, and in some degree to penetrate the dark +recesses of my own nature. + +Thus the conflict was unequal - and though it lasted for years I +finally found myself conquered as by surprise. I felt that it was no +longer possible for me to draw back, and moreover that I was alone +responsible. There is no finer diplomacy than the unconscious diplomacy +of women. I had been conquered and withal wholly maintained in the +illusion that I myself was the acting, the attacking and the conquering +party. But all this, mark it well, with the most devoted and unselfish +love. + +Actually in love, as with Emmy Tenders, I never was with Lucia del +Bono: and this, despite my amorous nature, her great charm and our many +years' companionship. I admired her for her beauty and for what +everyone must call her stainless character. But she lacked for me just +that certain mysterious, impenetrable something that in Emmy excited me +to so mad a passion. I loved Lucia for the same reason that everyone +must love her, because she really was a very lovable creature. But this +rational sentiment, that to many would seem a more solid basis for a +happy union than most paroxysms of love, never rose to the height of a +passion mightier than all reason. And I believed, as do many sensible +and staid people, and as my mother also believed, that I could make +this well-considered affection suffice for making her happy, and for +giving direction and balance to my own life. I lived in the very common +conceit that I had my own nature entirely in my power and thus, from +out the headquarters of my self-consciousness, could freely dispose of +it, always following the counsels of a reasonable deliberation. + +That I should make Lucia happy by marrying her seemed beyond doubt. +That I should ever feel for another woman what I had felt for Emmy, I +could not believe. Then how could I do better than to devote my life to +an excellent woman, to whom I thus accorded what she seemed to desire +and who as my wife would surely never disappoint me? True, to save her +from humiliation, I should have to feign a love which I never expected +to feel. But I no longer faced mankind with the naive brotherly +uprightness, and I saw no wrong in acting such a part with such good +intention. I also considered myself perfectly capable of it, and again +swore to myself an oath - no less sincerely meant and also no less +fragile - that I would be a faithful and exemplary husband to her, and +would at all times make my own happiness subservient to hers. + +Now every human person is, according to the primitive meaning of this +word, also a mask, and there is no person living, be he ever so simply +sincere, so wholly uncomplicated, but has wrought for himself such a +mask, has assumed such a rôle, according to his ideals of human worth, +of fitness and breeding. And if he means it honestly, he tries to live +himself into the part so that he can believe himself to be what he +pretends. Thus, following his own or others' form ideals, he moulds and +fashions himself into a personality which will be the more respected +the more pronounced, decided, and unchangeable it manifests itself. But +would he assume a mask, enact a part far removed from his own form +ideals and unattainable to the plasticity of his true nature, he fails +miserably, is called a scoundrel and a knave and is indeed a wretch. + +Thus the part I played toward Lucia was not one entirely foreign to my +nature. I simply tried my best to efface the boundaries between, and +merge the emotional degrees of affection and love. This was not +difficult and I honestly hoped that my true nature would some time +really fill the assumed form: that thus I would become for Lucia the +true lover and devoted husband she expected to find in me. I also +related to her the history of my heart and my past, in so far as was +essential to a just estimation; and she accepted it all reverently, as +a pleasing and honoring mark of confidence, and saw no difficulty +whatsoever. She followed the suggestion of her own desire, that +everything would be as she wished it, with the same complacence with +which she had trusted in my mother's wisdom, and she continued to +hearken to the voice of the herd. + +The wild, sultry sirocco had suddenly melted the snowy caps of the +mountains to about half their former extent, the mimosas bloomed +profusely, their luxuriant yellow masses standing out vividly against +the deep blue ether, and up on the mountains everywhere beamed the +hepatica with its myriad sweet flower-stare of faint and tender blue - +when Lucia and I were to wed in the white marble cathedral of Como. I +had acceded to her wish that all the ceremonies should be duly +observed. More and more I had learned to divide my life, as the only +means of keeping the peace with mankind and with myself. I realized +that what in brother Michael had seemed to me despicable hypocrisy was +nothing more than the brutal acceptance and shocking confirmation of a +sad necessity, to which every deeply thinking person must submit. Was +not Socrates far too wise a man to believe that if there really existed +a god of medicine, Asklepias by name, he would please this personage by +beheading and burning a cock? Yet he ordered this to be done in +acknowledgment of the speedy effect of the poison that killed him; this +at a moment when a sensible man does not usually jest or act. This poor +cock of Socrates has often come to my mind; also on the day when I left +my books and microscopes, my sprouting seeds and growing salamander +larvae to array myself for the wedding ceremony. Even the very wisest +man is obliged to offer to the gods of his time. + +It was a lovely day and a brilliant scene. Lucia's distinguished family +had arrived in full force and glittering pageant. Not only the violet +but the crimson clergy were represented. The street populace of Como +were lined up from the landing place of our boats to the cathedral as +at the arrival of royalty. The street urchins ran before us, and there +was even cheering as though this event signified an additional joy on +earth. The church was fragrant with masses of roses and radiant with - +hundreds of candles, and returning our gondolas formed a long +multi-colored line on the lake, with draperies trailing through the +water, and songs and music, as though we were still in the good days of +the Borgias. + +Lucia was serene and beaming with quiet happiness, like a blue hepatica +blossom, a little bashful, but responding archly and merrily, and her +fine clear eyes dimmed by only the slightest suspicion of a tear. She +saw nothing ahead of us but bliss, a welcome happiness, a regular +God-pleasing life. For me it was not hard to sustain my part in this +beautiful scene. It was not so much a rôle or a comedy that I enacted, +as perhaps a lovely dream. + +When the sun sank I sat on the terrace meditating and contemplating the +colors of the darkly shimmering well-nigh blackish green foliage of the +magnolias, the snow of the mountains opposite, glittering golden in the +evening light, above it the luminous, pale greenish blue sky, and below +the purplish violet mountain slopes and the soft steel blue lake. The +colors merged and became one with the fragrance of the lemon blossoms +surrounding me, marking this as one of the unforgettable representative +moments, to which we look back repeatedly on our journey of life as the +skipper looks back to a buoy or lighthouse passed. + +I thought of my dream-world and compared the sharp brilliant +impressions of the night with those of the day, asking myself when I +was most truly and really myself, and which of the two worlds was the +more real - and why? + +XIV + +Time is a sphere in the dream-world in which you, dear reader, have +surely been as well as I, but probably without distinguishing it as +such. Without doubt it has happened to you that you dreamt very vividly +of persons who have died. Then you may have observed two peculiarities, +first, that you usually do not remember in your dream that these +persons are dead, and moreover that if you see others with them, or +near them, or shortly after having met them these others are also dead +persons, whose passing away you had forgotten in your dream. Long +before the day of which I told you in the last chapter, I had already +observed the regularity in these visions, and had formed a presumption +from it, concerning the relation of their causes. + +A presumption I say - not without value for all that. All that we call +proofs are presumptions of different degrees of certainty. Nietzsche +scornfully says that God is but a presumption. It is so. But it is not +nice of him to fool people for that reason, and to thrust the superman, +whom no one has ever seen and who is even slighter than a presumption, +into their hands as a waggishly contrived idol. + +Believe nothing beyond experience, dear reader. But God and Christ are +more experience than the superman, even though they be presumptions. +Your father and your mother, too, are but presumptions, deduced from +experiences, aroused by what their skin and their eyes seem to imply +and to conceal for you. + +Thus I presumed that the dead also have their sphere, and that when the +dream-body of living, sleeping man enters there, he cannot grasp the +difference between this sphere and his own and therefore always retains +the illusion that the dead are still alive. + +Now I had very often before this dreamed of my father. First that I was +still sailing with him on our last expedition. But this belonged to the +terror-dream of which I spoke before, which at the beginning regularly +repeated itself. + +This dream I consider nothing but the painful echo in the deeper chasms +of my soul, of the violent shock that my waking body had sustained. +Beyond this I attach to it no deeper significance. + +But then came a dream of wholly different character, in a perceptibly +different sphere, in which I walked with my father while he put his arm +around my shoulders and cried. It seemed to me as though he was trying +his best to show me the marks of tenderness which he knew I was fond of +and of which he was usually so sparing. + +I did not remember that he was dead and I walked by his side somewhat +embarrassed, as the child that unexpectedly gets more than it has asked +for. So as also to do something on my part to please him, I caught a +fine butterfly with curious blue arabesques on his wings, and I +pronounced a Latin word to let him see that I knew the species. The +word I no longer remember and moreover it was only dream Latin, that is +to say: nonsense. But my good intention was apparently evident to him, +and pointing to the wondrous design on the wings he said something +about "plasmodic" or some such word, just as nonsensical as my name for +the species. But in the dream there is a wholly different relation +between word and spirit, and one can construe sensible meanings out of +nonsense and also interchange thoughts without words, - and I knew very +well at the time and also on awaking that my father wanted to make me +think about the way in which this butterfly decoration was formed. + +Then I woke and it took me a long time to realize fully that my father +was dead. And this realization suddenly struck me like a cold +whirlwind, making me shiver from head to foot. + +The first hours after waking I was sure that it was he who had communed +with me, that he felt remorse for his rage at me in the last moments of +his life, and therefore cried and was unusually tender toward me. I +also thought his pointing to the ornamented wings of the butterfly +important and full of meaning, albeit not yet clear to me. + +But the impressions of the day are so different from those of the +night, the two are so hostile, that they alternately seek to supplant +one another as absolutely as possible, as though by turns one had been +in the company of a religious devotee and an atheist, of a poet and a +dull philistine, of a spendthrift and a miser. No man so firm in +character but undergoes this influence. And it still regularly befalls +even me, after so many years, that at the end of day I face the night +with its wonders with critical unbelieving expectancy. Even when +falling asleep I cannot realize the coming transition, and only the +next morning I again know how everything was, and am surprised that I +could ever doubt and forget it, just as we see again the face of one we +love and are surprised that the image in our memory could have faded so +completely. + +The mightiest and most prodigious fallacy of men in this age, that +cripples their aspirations, and like a deadly frost bends low and kills +the tender blossoms of their young growing wisdom, erecting cruel steep +walls between heart and heart, between group and group - is the fallacy +that in this struggle between belief and unbelief a verdict can be +reached through something that they call Reason and that bears as its +weapon the True Word. But reason rules only in the realm of +imagination, in the realm of word, of language, of scheme and symbol. +In the realm of actual experience Reason is not what we call Reason, +and only the young person and the childish nation, as that of ancient +Athens, confuse reason and see in the "Logos" the actual, and in the +logical the truth, expecting that patient reasoning must indeed lead to +the truth. But did not father Plato himself get nearest the truth where +his logos is most illogical? + + +XV + +It was really she! It was in a long lane bordered on both sides by dark +spruce and beeches decked out in the golden brown tints of autumn. The +sunbeams, distinctly bluish in the fine mist, slantingly penetrated the +dark spruce, and fell in golden radiance upon the pale green moss, and +the blue ether and the brown and green foliage shone in a brilliance of +hue suggesting the brown and blue lustre of the opal. I had already +seen her approaching from a distance, her white bare feet noiselessly +pressing the soft moss. I gazed intently at her face; at the young +fresh complexion; the softly waved lustrous blonde hair with the +little, fine loose hairs standing out around her head, shimmering in +the sunlight like a halo; at the amber tints in the shadows of her +finely modelled ear. + +It was she, and she laid her finger on her lips as though I should +listen. But I heard nothing. I saw distinctly how the round spots of +sunlight glided over her face and her hair and the shadows of the +foliage fell upon her breast and shoulders draped in white. + +While I gazed at her, wondering what she would say, my thoughts carried +on their subtle play. The subtle play from which they so seldom rest, +night or day. I thought: "How will the life after death be? Shall we +perceive, see, hear, smell, taste, touch then too? Surely the +perception can never be as positive as now - here. As clearly as I now +see these trees and her dear face - now, now while I am alive and awake +- so clearly I cannot perceive after death, without a body and sense." + +While I was thinking this, she had come close up to me and I spoke +calmly: + +"Is it you, Emmy?" + +Then I looked at her, somewhat doubtfully, as though there were +something unusual about her, and she whisperingly replied: + +"Not yet entirely." + +These strange words did not surprise me. At the moment I understood +very well what she meant to say with them, and I asked: + +"Will you stay?" + +Then I wanted to fold her in my arms. But I saw her shake her head and, +with the slender fingers on her mouth, again motion as though I should +listen. Then I heard sounds as of a wildly galloping beast, a trampling +of hoofs that resounded hollowly on the wooded path. And all at once I +remembered a heavy responsibility that rested upon me, and I knew that +this trampling gallop was connected with it. It was to fetch me or to +drive away Emmy, to put an end to this great serene happiness. And I +felt a horrible, choking fear rising in me, while the sounds came +nearer and nearer. + +But Emmy smiled - a tender gracious smile and said: + +"I shall come again." + +Then, at the very end of the straight lane, where the alternating +brownish red beeches and blackish green spruce appeared very small, and +the light green mossy path gleamed up and narrowing met the sky, I saw +the galloping beast approaching. It was black, a horse or a bull - I +could not distinguish which - but it came nearer and nearer and my fear +rose to terror. Then all at once, sideways through the row of trees, +the pale face of my father appeared, and he walked toward Emmy as +though to shield her, saying: + +"It is too late!" + +After this that strange transition took place, which is like a chaotic +mingling of two spheres of life, a rolling together of space and light, +one moment oppressing, then again relieving, as the sensation of the +diver who, turning around under water, loses the consciousness of up +and down until he regains his balance, air and daylight, the transition +from dreaming to waking. + +I had dreamt and only now actually woke. And meanwhile, only a moment +ago, I had thought that there could never be such clear and distinct +perceptions in the life without the body and senses, as those which now +after all turned out to belong to the dream - to the life without body +and senses. I was astonished and perplexed as on so many a morning on +waking. + +But then came a yet more dazzling, more overwhelming memory - Emmy! I +had seen her as positively as I had ever seen her, her glance still +lived in my eyes, her voice in my ears. It was Emmy - and we had wanted +to clasp each other in our arms, we had tasted each other's love. + +I opened my eyes and looked about the world in which I had awakened. I +saw the cold, soulless luxury of a hotel apartment, mirrored wardrobes, +thick red carpets. Out doors, bells were pealing, carts were rattling, +and whips were cracking. Another bed stood next to mine and in it I saw +dark, glossy hair - spread out dishevelled on the white cushion in the +disarray of morning. It was my wife - Lucia. + +A violent agitation seized me. My thoughts and feelings were stirred to +commotion like a bee-hive which someone has knocked against. Vainly I +sought to restore harmony and peace in myself by calm reflection. + +My strongest feeling was one of guilt, terrible, inexpiable guilt. Much +graver guilt than had ever oppressed me after my youthful errings. +Guilt toward this gentle, dark-haired woman, who lay sleeping by my +side, and whom I had permitted to become my wife. For after all it was +deceit - Emmy still existed. I had seen her and spoken to her, and we +loved each other, as I should never be able to love this other. + +Emmy still existed - but where and how? + +Then another memory came back to me which made me shiver with nervous +fright. I had not only seen Emmy, but also my father with her. And I +knew what this meant. Might her appearing to me so distinctly this +night be an instance of the oft-propounded correspondence of death and +the manifestation of the spirit? + +In my anxiety I got up quietly, dressed and went out. + +The air was keen and sparklingly fresh, the smoke from the houses rose +up in straight columns. We were at Lucerne and the winter, which had +already forsaken Italy, was here bidding a last farewell. A thin layer +of snow covered the roofs and the mountains, and the transparent bright +emerald green of the lake, the light brown of the antique wood work on +the bridges, towers and houses, and the soft tender white of the snow +formed a cool and noble harmony. + +I roved about in the woods and mountains and only returned toward +afternoon - my spiritual balance restored, but more than ever estranged +from the human world. + +I sent a telegram to Emmy's family in London: "Wire address Mrs. Emmy +Truant." And toward night came the reply: "Mrs. Truant died fever Simla +January." + +Not this night, but three months ago she had died. I attached no +significance, as so many do, to the fact that the point of time did not +correspond exactly. I knew that it had been she, and the certainty of +her death made me calm. It was as though she was now really mine, and +would ever remain mine. + +I showed Lucia the message, thereby explaining my sad and introspective +mood. She willingly forgave me and did not ask me more than I wished to +tell, just as she had always met me with the utmost discretion in my, +to her inexplainable, humors. + +But if perchance she had hoped that my heart would now feel itself +free, that my entire love would now be bestowed on her, she was +miserably deceived. The effect was exactly the reverse. I only now +fully realized what I had done, and only now felt it as a great wrong. +I felt that I had a wife, but it was not the one who slept by my side +and who bore my name. A fervent passionate desire went out toward the +being whose fair image I had seen so clearly, whom I had wished to +embrace with unutterable tenderness, and whose voice and whose presence +had procured for me bliss such as the day had never brought me, and the +clear, cold daylight could not dispel. I longed for the night all day +long, - and with bitter certainty I felt that I should never be able to +offer more to the poor woman, whom I had taken into my arms as my wife, +than a friendly mask, an assumed appearance of loyalty and tenderness. + +And the feeling of guilt, which in another might perhaps have been +lulled by the news of her death, began to burn on my conscience with +greater intensity than ever. I abused myself as a coward, a weakling, +an adulterer, for something that no man on earth would ever have +imputed to me as guilt. + +But even then, while I writhed with pain, I knew that my free judgment +never would have condemned as guilty one who had acted as I, thus - +that remorse and the distressing consciousness of sin are not the +logical and just consequence of a deed realized as bad and pernicious, +but that it is the sad effect of a law, salutary for humanity as a +whole, but often baneful and unjust for the individual, to which we +must submit with love and patience for the sake of the sacred character +of this law and out of respect to the sublime will of its Maker. + +XVI + +In order actively to carry out a thing in the dream world, I must +resolve upon it betimes and definitely determine upon the plan. During +the actual dream the time is usually too short, the incidents pass too +fleetingly. Sometimes I soar on in swift flight so that everything +rushes by me without my being able to delay the pace. It is usually +after one of these happy dreams with full consciousness, that I plan +out, that very morning before getting up, what I shall do the next time +in my dream. And then, every evening before falling asleep, it is once +more distinctly formulated and stamped upon the memory, so that like a +ready tool it will be at hand during the moments of observation - just +as astronomical instruments during an eclipse of the sun. + +Thus I had determined on calling some one in my dream. And the first +one I selected for this purpose was my father. + +I had seen him many times in my dreams, but never with full +consciousness, never with the memory that he was dead, never in the +sphere of light and happiness. + +I made up my mind to call him night after night, as soon as I should +awaken in the sphere of observation. For it is an awakening just as +much as our awakening in the morning, but the body sleeps on. + +And I succeeded. One night I was dreaming in the usual way in the +demon-sphere and they played one, of their familiar dismal pranks. We +were acting a farce, some friends of my youth and I, and the stage was +a cemetery and all the actors had grinning skulls. Then, firmly +regarding one of these acting apparitions, I said: "There is no death," +as though to resist this obtruding horror. The head grinned mockingly +and, with a sarcastic expression, pointed to all the skulls and bones +round about. But I repeated, now with fixed determination and in a loud +voice: "There is no death!" and behold! the eyes of the being before me +faded, the whole apparition vanished - and I felt it was by my will. +Then I gained full consciousness, the complete remembrance of my +day-life and waking sensibilities, and blithely and thoroughly +conscious I rose into the sphere of knowledge and joy. Then hastily and +animatedly I spoke to myself, and I felt my mouth, my breath, my whole +body, the animæ corpus; and yet I knew that my day body lay sleeping +and silent and did not stir. Hastily I spoke: "I am there! I am there! +What is it that I wanted? I wanted to see my father. Oh yes! my father! +I wanted to see my father!" + +Then I saw a sunny, green landscape spread out before me, a little +house, low and small. "He is inside," said I. "Here I shall find him." +I ran through many rooms and did not see him, but I continued my search +from room to room. And when I saw the last room empty too, I made an +additional room. And behold! I saw him sitting there. + +This time he looked exactly like my father as I had known him, only +much younger than when he left me. He wore a dark blue suit, top boots +and a felt hat. The expression on his face was mild, and his eyes shone +clear and bright. + +"Father!" said I; "Father!" and with a beseeching gesture I walked +toward him. I heard him say: "Good day, Vico mio!" And it was his +voice, even more than it was his face. + +Then I gave him my hand and he took it. He tried to press my hand and +it seemed to cost him physical exertion. + +I said, "Have you forgiven me?" + +It was a warm, glorious sensation; I saw that he tried his best and he +looked at me mildly. + +He murmured something, but I could not understand it or I have +forgotten it. Thereupon, with the utmost effort to express myself +clearly and with sincerest fervor, I asked: "Can you give me advice? I +seek for the best. Tell me what I must do, counsel me!" + +But he said nothing. + +Then an old question arose in me, unexpectedly and without my having +resolved anything about it: + +"Father," I said, "what is Christ?" + +Then I heard him say: + +"Ask the butterfly." + +And I understood that he meant the butterfly in the last dream with the +blue decorated wings. I asked: + +"Can you tell me nothing?" + +Then he shook his head very gently and everything in my dream vanished; +I saw only his head shaking "no" - and with that I awoke. The day was +dawning, and I lay thinking over everything and impressing it on my +memory. + +I felt absolutely certain that I had spoken with him. + +I went to sleep again and dreamed, as frequently happens after a dream +of this kind, that I related my dream, but without knowing that I was +sleeping. + +That morning I was extraordinarily refreshed and happy. And the whole +day the sound of his voice was in my ears, with the words: "Good day, +Vico mio!" And repeatedly I tried to recall the exact tones. + +I had this dream some time before the first appearance of Emmy, and had +asked for advice, because at the time I was still in conflict with +myself whether I should take Lucia for my wife. + +XVII + +"How is it that they wired you so late that your little friend had +died, so many months after?" Lucia asked me, some days after we had +left Lucerne. + +"Because I, myself, had only then wired to inquire about her." + +Lucia looked at we silently and thoughtfully for a while, and then said +with a kindly unsuspecting earnestness, full of delicate chastity: + +"Oh, then I understand. Then she appeared to you in a vision, didn't +she?" + +I nodded and Lucia questioned me no further. + +She had remained a strict Catholic and had retained much of the lavish +popular superstition of my country. She attached importance to amulets, +to trinkets blessed by the Pope, to the offering of candies to saints. + +Regarding dreams she held a creed, elaborated in every detail, the +accuracy of which she continued to maintain, although I never heard +from her a single striking proof. To dream of flowers, of water, of +money, of blood - it all meant something, but it was always equally +vaguely asserted, equally inaccurately observed, and with equally +little foundation accounted proved. For me it was absolutely worthless +and I carefully guarded against contradicting her in these things and +making her a partner of my own experiences. + +But it was strange and remarkable that a certain dream to which she +herself attached no significance and whereof her dream-lore made no +mention, always repeated itself in connection with a certain experience +of mine in my night and day life. + +Whenever another woman stepped across my path in life, threatening to +endanger the soundness of my union with Lucia, she would dream of a +large, wild horse that frightened her or bore down upon her. Sometimes +it was white, sometimes brown, sometimes black, - there also would be +two or three of them; they menaced and frightened her, but did her no +harm. She always faithfully and unsuspectingly reported to me when she +had again dreamt of horses, without having the least idea that for me +this was a stern and covert warning. + +For it never failed, whenever I had fallen into serious temptation - +which, after the peaceful and secluded years at Como, was quite +inevitable on our numerous journeys - she would very soon come to me +with her innocent story that she had again been worried by the +troublesome horses. + +And as I know that not only she, but my mother too sometimes, as well +as other women I have known, have been warned in this strange way, I +would advise you, dear reader, to pay attention to this. It may have +been a strange chance and coincidence; it may also be peculiarly proper +to me and the persons associated with me, - but it may also have a more +universal meaning, and no wonder, if we take into consideration the +presumable slight coöperation of the men, that the women have not yet +ascertained this meaning. But we should make reservations before sowing +suspicion between the innocent! + +After my first vision of Emmy I lived in a peculiar state of outward +calm and inward happiness. To Lucia I was kind, tender and solicitous, +but I did not feel myself her husband, nor could I approach her as such +without a sense of guilt. At Como the temptations besetting my life as +a youth had vanished. The close application to study, the simple, rural +life, the absence of temptation, the pure, serene atmosphere of the +little domestic circle - all this had given me support and kept me out +of difficulties. + +And when I travelled with Lucia the strange fact revealed itself that, +mindful of Emmy's love and her appearance to me, I charged myself with +sin and baseness for what everyone considered just and lawful. The +temptation against which I fought and to which, bitterly ashamed, I +nevertheless repeatedly yielded, now no longer went out from hapless +prostitutes, but from the beautiful and amiable woman whom I had made +my wife. It would all have sounded very queer to other people, but once +for all it was so, my spirit responded to life in its own original way +and would not be forced. It was of no avail that I told myself how +differently the world judged, and I was just as unhappy when I had +yielded to Lucia's charms as when I had succumbed to the intrigues of a +strange woman. But nevertheless one as well as the other occurred, for +the incongruous relations in my heart and life were not ordered and the +wild lusts remained untamed. While all who knew me accounted me lucky +on account of my marriage, I led for many long years a hard and +tortured life. My love and devotion to my wife and children were forced +and strained, and I grieved bitterly that so much beauty and loveliness +did not attract my natural interest. My task was a giant task that +often seemed too mighty for me, and what I attained was nothing +unusual, nothing but what everyone expected as self-understood. I was +called a good husband and father, but no one knew the enormous effort +it cost me, and how far I still fell short, and no one would have +believed me or showed me sympathetic understanding. + +When I had succeeded in summoning my father in the night and thus knew +that I possessed this power, the nights in which I penetrated to the +clear dream-sphere became all the more important to me. + +And when I had seen Emmy in the common dream-sphere, in the sphere of +the dead, but without being myself clearly conscious, my first thought +that morning was to call her as soon as the sphere of clear perception +should open before me. And with great suspense I awaited such a night, +and morning after morning was disappointed and vexed that this clarity +had not come. For as I said before, sometimes this perception eludes me +for months and the dreams are on the ordinary confused, insignificant +order. Then all at once some inexplainable cause summons forth the +good, happy and clear moments of perception three or four nights in +succession. + +But at last, after all, came the blessed night in which my project was +completely realized. + +It was after a most tiring and not very pleasant day. A long mountain +excursion in the rain. I dreamed that I walked in the street among a +crowd of people. Beside me walked a little friend of my youth. Suddenly +it shot through my mind like a ray of light that I would call some one, +I would summon Emmy. Hastily I said to my comrade: "I beg your pardon, +but I must look for some one, Emmy Tenders!" I did indeed think +meanwhile that I was giving publicity to something very intimate, but +the matter was too important, I had to say the name. Then I ran through +the crowd searching and calling: "Emmy! Emmy!" Meanwhile, I thought +that I should be heard calling in my sleep, that Lucia would hear me. I +passed by trees and verdure, observing everything sharply and +distinctly. Busily absorbed in my quest I murmured to myself: "Yes! I +see it distinctly - autumn sun on elm leaves - small green apples. I +can remember their position, but I must have Emmy, - Emmy!" + +Then I saw a closed door, and I pointed to it with my finger, saying: +She is there! if I open this door I shall see her! + +I opened the door and saw - a slaughter house. Pieces of meat, a floor +streaming with blood, men slaughtering, a disgusting stench - horrible! +a demon trick to hinder me. + +Profound disappointment. Well-nigh despair. I sobbed convulsively, +calling "Emmy!" Meanwhile, again the thought: "I shall find the marks +of my tears on waking." + +I saw a piece of paper and wrote upon it with my finger dipped in +blood: "I was here in my dream"; with a vague hope that this might +serve as proof, one of the half-considered ideas that one sometimes has +in these dreams. + +Then, deeply grieved, I felt myself waking up. But I fell asleep again +directly. And then I thought: "I shall go to her country," and I ran +hurriedly as though I knew the way. I considered meanwhile: "How shall +I get there? She is in India. I don't know the way and yet I am going +there." + +Then I felt myself soar and I saw a sea foaming beneath me as in the +wake of a big ship, and I saw the gulls flying around above it, preying +upon the refuse. + +After that a luxuriantly wooded mountain and on its slope a house. I +hurriedly flew down and went into the house. I heard knocking and +thought: "There she is." + +I saw a door on which it said: "Waiting room," and it opened slowly. A +figure emerged from it. + +"Can it be she? She does not resemble her. And it so often happens that +people are quite different in dreams. How can that give me assurance?" +I came up closely. She had wound her thick blonde hair in braids around +her head and upon it rested a wreath of myrtle and orange blossoms. I +saw distinctly the small, shiny dark green leaves and the little +reddish twigs - and I smelled the sweet fragrance of the orange +blossoms. I looked at her and they were her eyes - very serious as +though absorbed in her own deep thoughts. + +Then I folded her in my arms and I knew positively that it was she and +I called out passionately: "Are you there? How sweet of you that you +came after all!" It was very happy - happier than any moment of my +waking life has ever been. + +I woke up, no longer sad, but very serious, and also, for the first +time after such a dream, a trifle tired. + +I did not find any marks of tears and I asked Lucia whether she had +heard me cry or speak or making a noise in my sleep. + +"No," she said. "You were lying still and tranquilly sleeping, I +believe. I was awake early. I again had such a disquieting dream about +that white horse. It was a splendid creature with a heavy full mane, a +long white tail and red glittering eyes. I stood close beside him and +he would not let me pass. I was frightened to death, but when I kept +quiet he did not harm me." + +XVIII + +Very few people, you, dear reader, excepted, will find anything +important or curious in these records. The lay philistine will consider +them an idle play of the imagination for his amusement, and speedily +forget them. The philistine scholar will smilingly utter a few words of +authority, whereby he will consider the matter explained and settled. +There is such a one, his book is lying before me, who pretends to have +solved the entire mystery of dreams. Mind it well - the entire mystery. +And then he pronounces a few hollow phrases, which as an "Open, sesame" +should give admission to all the unspeakable wonders of this untrodden +reality, saying: "the dream is a wish fulfilled." Then upon this the +man is contented and glad, considering that he has said something. + +I cannot furnish you with positive proof, dear reader, that it was +surely my beloved who appeared to me at night as my betrothed. Some of +the facts could probably be accounted as proof that my nocturnal +observations are not merely creations of my own imagination, but that +they concern a world with which others also are in communion, and which +has a peculiar nature. There was indeed a correspondence between the +words heard and the things seen by me at night and that which, unknown +to me, had occurred in the waking life. But I had no need of these +proofs. The primal feeling of certainty is a feeling that one gains by +experience. The communication of this feeling along the lines of reason +is an illusion that never subsists, nor has subsisted. We communicate +primal certainties to one another along intuitive and suggestive lines, +not by proofs. Though my proofs were clear as crystal and firm as rock, +the obstinate would easily reason them away; while only those who by +repeated and repeated observation have gained complete assurance can +also value the significance of the observations. For what I observed is +like the tiny spark from the rubbed piece of amber, like the +contraction of the muscles of the dead frog that Galvani observed - a +small phenomenon that the unbelieving ridicules, but in which the wise +sees the germ of new, never-guessed-at conceptions and deeds. + +From that night when Emmy appeared to me, at my summons, as my bride, I +led for many years a double life, in which the incidents of the day did +not seem more important to me than the observations of the night. A +successful reunion with Emmy in the joy sphere of the dream was to me +the best and most joyous event, that I desired more and remembered with +more grateful satisfaction, than the most fortunate incident of my +daily life. The few solitary moments in the night, recurring only a +limited number of times during the long year, and perhaps lasting but a +few minutes, in force of impression and deep after-effects outweighed +the many days crowded with events, so that now it seems to me as though +the years had flown by and I can measure and define them better by the +visions of the nights than by the events of the day. + +Yet my life was not empty, not barren in deeds and experience; but it +was the ordinary life that thousands lead and that has already left so +many wise and sensitive men unsatisfied, because they could not +penetrate the deeper meaning, and saw death and destruction so +unavoidably threatening them at the end of their career. + +In accordance with my father's wishes, which my mother sanctioned, I +became a diplomat and lived and worked in different countries, first as +attaché and later as secretary of the legation. Outwardly my life was +as prosperous as could be and all who knew me envied me, without +therefore showing me ill will or seeking to harm me. I had a sweet, +pretty wife who bore me four fair, healthy children, I had money enough +for a life of luxury and plenty, and did my work with apparent devotion +and success. Transferal was the cause of frequent travel, and I saw a +large part of the civilized human world. We lived in sunny Madrid, +fragrant with acacias and carnations, with its subtle dangerous +atmosphere, its elegantly indolent culture, its desolate surroundings; +- in restless Marseilles, full of crime and rabble, where we never felt +safe; - in orderly, methodical, soberly bourgeois Berlin, where they +strive so sagaciously and diligently for culture; - in blithe and +beautiful Paris, where they still live on happily in the illusion that +they are the leaders of civilization; - in the not less self-satisfied +London, immutably grim in its sombreness, hardened in its dangerous +luxury and misery, full of intellectual life, but without much sign of +improvement, like a strong, prosperous, hardened villain; - in wanton +St. Petersburg, with its extremely polished, yet withal ever equally +barbarous luxury; - in vain, amusing Vienna, where all thought of the +possibility of still higher culture has long ago been given up as +insulting; - in the curiously grave and affected Washington, with its +trim green lawns and white buildings of state in confectioner's style, +with its blasé air of aristocratic calm and state in the midst of the +bustling, bourgeois, informal but intensely living American world; - +finally in the little, neat, doll-like Hague, that is so difficult to +consider as real, where the good Hollanders play at Metropolis and +where even the diplomatic world acquires the well-nigh comic aspect of +a very chic and well-cast amateur stage. + +I could not have borne this existence calmly, without the stay of my +nocturnal experiences, without the constant preoccupation with the +miracle that again and again befell me, without the remembrance of how +I had last seen and heard Emmy, without the looking forward to her +return, and the considering of what I would do and say and what I +should observe in her the next time. + +I did not therefore neglect my daily work; on the contrary, I performed +it with vigor and perseverance solely on that account. But how others +could cheerfully persevere in it I could not understand - unless they +were insignificant persons, wholly governed by the power of formal +religion and conventional patriotism. And I must admit, too, that the +most advanced and independent of my colleagues did not continue their +task without bitter self-derision and a sort of melancholy +epicureanism. Diplomacy may be carried on with fine forms and on a +grand scale, yet it remains nothing but an exceedingly narrow-minded +bickering for the greatest profit, for the largest morsel. Something +remarkable lies in the fact that the diplomat does not fight directly +for his own profit, but identifies himself with the Government he +represents. But what man fights for a really personal profit and not +for a fancied one? Thus the zeal, the enthusiasm, the satisfaction of +the diplomat is usually the same as that of the player moving wooden +figures about on a board, and finding his pleasure in the making and +the disentangling of confusion. But an earnest man asks after all: what +is the good of it all? Wherefore do I work and let so many others work +for me? My body which I keep in condition with so much care shall +wither, the royal house or the Government for which I fight and exert +myself some day shall fall after all; and though I fought not for +myself, nor even for my Government and people, but for a still higher +ideal - humanity - will it not also die some time when the earth shall +dry up and become uninhabitable? + +These questions must be answered, for it is not true that it is man's +nature to go on working with courage and zeal without their being +answered. No; if he now still goes on working without an answer, it is +because he does not reflect. But it is truly man's nature to reflect +and thus he is still making his living by denying his nature. This is a +contradiction doomed to disappear. And I witnessed with pity the +endeavors of the so-called religious people, like my good wife Lucia, +to escape the chill wind of the new knowledge by the fostering of a +worn, patched and half-decayed Church system. Her cheerful acquiescence +and placid contentment in the enervated, marrowless shadow of what was +once, for a more childish generation, a solid joy, seemed pathetic to +me. Faithfully she sought her daily share of consecration, edification +and purification, that every human spirit needs as much as the body +needs a bath. But it was a dead, nerveless consecration through sounds +and impressions from which the living thought, the soul, had long +vanished. How could the poetry of the Hebrews and the thoughts of the +Middle Ages still touch her? Only the hollow tones of the declaiming +priests and the outward magnificence of the churchly edifice brought +something like a fleeting shadow of the true sense of the divine. And +in the poetry or music which she could really and wholly feel, in the +art of her age, in the thought and science of her age - the living, +direct expression of God - in these she did not seek, because round +about her no one realized that only in these consecration is found, and +must be sought for. + +But for me, that which had been indicated by the meditative of all the +ages, in vague, and for the most part impotent, expression, began to +acquire a new, wonderful character of reality. I had learned to speak, +to hear, to see, to taste, to smell, to touch, to create things and +beings, and to enter into relations with what seemed to me independent +beings, without having the body - that which is positively doomed to +destruction - take part. What generation after generation had repeated +one after the other as empty sound, idle chimera, or suggestion, the +existence of a world beyond the senses, had for me become actual +experience. I knew now that I had another body, beside the ordinary +one, an animæ corpus, with a proper world of perception; and this +knowledge rested upon equally good foundations as every one's knowledge +concerning the existence of his ordinary body. Time and again I faced +the undeniable wonder of another space, perceived by the selfsame I, +from the same centre of observation, as the space by day. + +What some sages had presumed and concluded by speculation - that what +we call room and place is nothing but one of the infinitely numerous +ways of perception of our being that neither taken up room nor occupies +space, the ego that is neither here nor there - had become for me an +ordinary fact, the knowledge of which influenced all my thought. That +I, without stirring from my place, could arrive in a totally different +world, in many worlds, all with a proper space, all with the same +evidence of real existence, all full of life, full of sensations, fall +of beauties and transports - this became for me a matter of simple +experience. And no one only knowing it from hearsay can realize how +different and how much more profound is the effect of actual experience. + +In this conjunction the eternal error of the human phantasy in wishing +to fly directly toward the perfect and complete revealed itself. All +the defective work of the human imagination errs in wanting to make its +creations too beautiful, in affording a soulless perfection, such as is +manifested in human art by its decay after every period of bloom. + +The insensible world is not full of pure loftiness and unmixed +nobility. I do not constantly wander there in Elysian fields, absorbed +in flowing conversations regarding important questions with spectres of +noble stature and dignified bearing. As all reality, the reality of the +beyond is unexpectedly fantastic, full of surprises and full of +disillusions; but on the whole more stimulating and more beautiful than +anything the imagination has pictured regarding it. And this is of +supreme importance in the practice of our daily life - that the +insensible world is in part our own creation, subject to our will, +built up from the conclusions gathered in our day-life, with the +faculties and powers which by practice and use we have in this same +life made our own. To say for this reason that nothing new awaits us +would be equal to the assertion that Beethoven had given nothing new to +the world, because, after all, he only employed combinations of +familiar sounds and tones. I again repeat - nothing in our actual +day-life can equal the ecstasy of even a single awakening in the new +sphere. + +And who would now confront me with the assertion that then probably the +dear being that appeared at my summons as my bride and made me +supremely happy in her arms, was also my own creation - to him I can +only reply as he himself would reply to the agnostic philosopher, if +the latter asked him for proofs that the entire world of the senses, +with his wife and children and the whole family included, were anything +else than a product of his imagination. + +Does it make much difference whether we give to one and the same thing, +vehemently and intensely felt, the name of fancy or the name of +reality? - and does anyone know a reliable mark of distinction between +the two? Everything is the product of imagination, the sun and the +stars are also works of God's imagination. But there is weak and +strong, enervated and potently creative imagination; and very subtle is +the boundary line between the idle thought image and the created one, +endowed with personal being and reality. + +How absurd, in the light of my experience, now seemed to me the common +idea of the so-called believers - as though the earthly life with all +its joys and its misery would break off all at once with death and +suddenly, without transition, change into a bliss the purer, the more +miserable had been the earthly existence. + +All that we can expect is directly connected with what we attained +here. Here on earth, imperceptibly and continuously, we weave our +future, not by a right to reward from on high, as compensation for +sorrow and disaster, accounted and awarded irrespective of any action +on our part, but by personal activity, personal ability, personal +achievement of the joy and ecstasy we deem the most desirable. + +Therefore the closer knowledge and study of the immaterial reality does +not lead away from the earthly life and coöperation with all striving +humanity, as the fanatics and ascetics in the misconception of their +idle and defective phantasy have believed and taught. + +No, the blessedness that we all desire and can attain at will, must +already be sought for here in our mortal life, in this earthly sphere. +For only from the transient can the less transitory be compiled. + +I now knew that my immaterial being with the repose or decease of the +waking body, also lost the heaviness and the aches, the melancholy and +dejection proceeding from the mortal, defective nature of this body: +but I also knew that its joys and transports are dependent upon the +happiness obtained by the day body through an active, wise life brought +into harmony with the development of all mankind. + +The more beautiful my days, the more crowded with effective labor my +life, the gladder and serener my soul - the loftier also are the +exaltations and transports of my nights, the more glorious the scenes I +behold, the more beneficent the moods and the influences I undergo. + +True, often a dream of most sublime splendor comes to brighten a time +of the very deepest dejection; but only when this earthly affliction in +the necessary consequence of the struggle for a higher and more common +happiness, when I am after all inwardly hopeful and know that I am on +the right road. + +But, poverty, want, misery, affliction and loneliness are not good +guides toward a better life, and smothered desires not good travelling +companions. + +The will for happiness may indeed burn so brightly in some of us that +its flame shoots up all the higher through all the accumulated sorrow; +but the spark of joy must remain visibly glowing, and to keep the +sacred lamp of gladness burning is the primal duty of every human being. + +It is true that man has often shown that he could not stand luxury and, +like a child, broke out into folly when abundance came after a long +period of want. But wealth is the only nurturing ground for the bloom +of beauty, whereto in our striving for a higher life, we feel ourselves +called. + +Only in the land of abundance can we play the game of beauty which is +our sole destination and which unites our nature to God's nature. And +if we cannot stand abundance we must learn to accustom ourselves to it. + +He who created us leads us by the line of joy, another link between Him +and us does not exist. Though the way lead through dismal gloom, the +luring voice of happiness continues to go before us. That is our will +and God's will, disagreement is but misunderstanding. + +Forgive me, dear reader, if I join the conclusions to the facts. I know +that among them there are many confirmations of ancient, long-known +truths. But you shall see that the very simplest and most well-known +facts must be repeated to men over and over again, because they lack +the courage and originality to keep their hold on them. + +XIX + +If so far you have believed and understood me, dear reader, it cannot +fail but you will demand more of me than I can give. You will not +demand further proofs, but revelations: communications from beings of +another sphere, distinct, well-formulated communications concerning the +beyond, concerning the meaning of our life, concerning the soul, +concerning Christ, concerning God. Everyone desires these, not +considering that for a distinct communication two factors are always +required - namely, a good communicator and a good understander; just as +air and fuel are required to start a flame. + +I myself, as everyone would have, also sought for revelation, and many +a time instead of calling Emmy I committed the folly of calling for +Christ, or even worse, for God. + +In the clear moments of observation of the night one can only +effectually carry through one thing, there is no time for more; and it +would happen that throughout the entire vision I would pray +passionately, not thinking of Emmy, thanking God for his favors and +beseeching him for enlightenment, and in the same way Christ. I could +never do it by day with so much earnestness, conviction and eloquence. +In the daytime I am not eloquent, but bashful and embarrassed, even +when alone. I cannot pray by day for fear of feeling ridiculous, for +gêne. But at night this gêne is gone and I abandon myself to prayer +with a true passion, sometimes - even as all passions in the immaterial +life - going beyond my control. At times my devout passion during +prayer, even at the very moment, seems exaggerated and affected to me, +but I am unable to restrain it. + +But now the remarkable fact about it is that I never, absolutely never, +have perceived anything in my visions that at my passionate and ardent +invocation appeared as a divine image, as an angel or as Christ. Human +beings, dead or living, came almost always when at all strongly urged; +Emmy I saw many times in various shapes and circumstances. But at my +invocations and prayers to these higher beings, whose existence man has +always had to conclude from the signs of the world perceptible to the +senses or from inner consciousness, I have never seen anything but what +we call natural beauties - sunlight; blue heavens; flaming evening +skies; radiant horizons, brightening or clouding with promising or +warning significance. + +And this where the history of human civilization is replete with +stories of visions of angels, of Mary, and of Christ. We may explain +this as we like, yet it proves that the simple wish, the invocation, +the self-suggestion is not enough to create a visionary image. The +demons of the Middle Ages I have seen, but not their angels, their +Marys, their Jesus, their God the Father, while yet I often longed for +it as a child and prayed for it as a man, until I was old and wise +enough to understand that I had to be glad of their non-appearance, +because the apparition of an old, bearded king as God, of a +white-robed, long-haired man as Jesus, of a winged man as an angel, +would simply have been nothing but fancied images, spectral deception +or impotent human phantasy. + +Does not our simplest reason tell us that all life that is more than +human life, all higher beings, whether superman, or Christ, or God, can +have no form perceptible to man with his five senses? Do not all +endeavors of art and imagination to create something above man, remain +limited to a perfected humanity? Has not the sole conception of a +superhuman being always been the impossible one of a man with wings? +Yet we know that there is a higher being, higher life with more exalted +beauties; but clear reflection must also teach us that its form remains +imperceptible and unimaginable as long as our perceptive faculty and +our knowledge have not, in a manner at present quite inconceivable, +increased in a higher sphere, and that therefore all their awarded +shapes, though formed by Dantesque phantasy, must be erroneous. + +Sometimes, indeed, I saw worlds and sad beings that, much as they +resembled the familiar and human, seemed to me to belong to a wholly +different sphere. One night I dreamed of the sea, but it changed to +something else, - a park, a landscape peopled with many creatures. I +remember that the ground was moving like ocean waves, but magnificently +blue and speckled with intensely yellow spots. There were also bushes +and a multitude of happy, festive, richly dressed human beings. They +were not demons, that I felt, but a species of men - happy, luxuriously +living men. + +Then I remembered that I was on another planet, and though my +consciousness was not yet quite clear, still I began to pay close +attention. Thus I remember that I gazed at the sky and seeing the blue +color immediately drew the conclusion: "so there is oxygen in this +atmosphere too," because it is oxygen that gives the blue color to our +atmosphere. I went on and on and the landscape changed repeatedly. The +inhabitants were extremely sympathetic and kindly disposed toward me. +Of language or words I have no remembrance, but there was a cordial +understanding. Then I saw trees and hills or something resembling them, +and I fell into raptures. "0 my earth!" I cried, "it resembles my +earth!" and I wept with emotion, because it reminded me of my beloved +earth. Then I noticed that everything differed somewhat from earthly +things and yet resembled them. "Just as America resembles Europe and +yet differs from it," I thought in my dream. + +Upon this I came into a barren and uninhabited part and I saw a +perspective of mountains, a mountain chain rising out of the sea, +luminous and steep, but so affecting and terrible to behold that it +oppressed me. The perspective stretched out farther and farther - a +dizzy extent, and all the way my eyes travelled along the ridge of +faint-rose-colored rocks. Below me, at the left, was a mighty abyss, +also, a distant mountain prospect. I saw everything with peculiar +sharpness and distinctness. My mind was clear at the time and I was +fully conscious - the terrific depth made me dizzy. + +Thereupon I saw two strange beings in the wilderness. Human beings also +- not demons. One was slate-colored like clay, the other brownish red +like baked earth. They were hard at work - and the thought crossed my +mind whether these were perchance the proletarians, who in this land +supported the luxurious people I had just now seen. They were busy with +a fire and I asked them something, about food or wood I believe. +Laughingly they explained: "That is scarce here." Then I pointed back +toward the land where I had left the people living in affluence: + +"Yet it is not scarce there." Thereupon they laughed, feigning +indifference, and intimated, how I no longer remember, that they were +not envious of this, that these things were not essential, that it +should be so. I awoke pondering the meaning of this dream, which I did +not comprehend, and even now would not dare to explain entirely. + +All that the perception during sleep teaches us, demands exactly as +much scientific thought and comparison, critical analysis and +selection, and building up into fixed, universal and lasting truth, as +do all our waking perceptions. There can be no other true revelation +than that of creative art and of science, established by all and for +all. What would a personal revelation signify, that depended on the +receptivity of a single individual, and could be affirmed in a few +words and, by suggestion, forced upon the unreceptive? Would it not be +as though the Divinity entrusted to the apostle the work of convincing +thousands, where he himself had found only one - the apostle - +susceptible to persuasion? Can such a revelation, spread by inculcation +and pressure, by authority and servility, be anything else than passing +fancy, and fleeting deception? + +Therefore the study of the immaterial did not draw me away from the +world of day, but caused me to work in it with all the more zeal and +satisfaction, because I learned to look upon this world as our real +field of labor, where the riches that shall count on a higher plane of +vision are prepared. + +Dreams only give us slight hints; the work must be done in this life. + +But my dreams also showed me that solitude and seclusion could never +lead to the highest joy and purest bliss. Unspeakably happy as were the +moments of meeting with my dream bride, they were surpassed by those in +which a universal joy, a great and transcendent enthusiasm +simultaneously filling many beings - human happy beings - carried along +myself and my beloved in a wave of radiant festive bliss. + +I have had them often, such dreams, and they were the most beautiful of +all. I know not whether they were the proclaimers of future or the +dawning of already existing reality - but I would see spectacles of +countless enthusiastic multitudes, processions of festive people +streaming together and marching in solemn rhythm, with jubilation and +sound of clarion. And we two, my beloved and I, were a part thereof, we +belonged to it; and a feeling of festiveness and of unlimited +confidence toward all possessed us, lifting us up into a bright and +joyous mood, and yet not detracting from our mutual affection, but +transfiguring and strengthening it. + +Thereby - as through repeated experience I learned to understand them - +truths were pointed out to me in a peculiar symbolical way. Thus I once +saw in my dream many people building a large house and laying out a +path, and they did it with marvellous alacrity. And there was no one to +command them, to give directions, or point out anything. + +The incredible swiftness with which the work advanced was due to the +fact that each one of the builders, down to the very least, knew and +comprehended the entire work and therefore did not need the slightest +direction. + +I understood these hints better and better, and more and more clearly +comprehended what hindered man on his upward path - the dawning rays of +pure universal blessedness shone for me ever more brightly from out the +chaos of our confused personal and social life. But all the more +tormentingly I felt my impotence to bring about an effectual reform. + +XX + +Ah, what could I do, imprisoned as I was in the cage of my honorable +position, my definitely-prescribed sphere of action, my distinguished +connections, my luxurious domestic establishment, my reputation and my +money? The better I saw what society lacked for leading man toward the +highest development, the more I felt myself paralyzed when I wished to +contribute something toward his deliverance. + +I felt as does the sailor on board a ship in distress who sees the safe +waters and rescue close at hand - he alone, of all the others - but he +has no authority, he knows that they would not believe him, discipline +prevents him from speaking. Then it is harder for him to do his duty +than for the others who plod on blindly, obedient to their superiors, +without seeing deliverance. + +I saw how men suffered misery through gigantic misunderstandings, which +like great clouds of mist enveloped and confused the nations. I saw +them blundering with their tongue and their words as children who have +their first paint box and get as much color smeared over their dresses, +hands and faces as on the paper. And on this mess-work they build their +treaties, with this mess-work they enact laws, and thus messing, +blundering and squandering they prepare their food, their clothing and +their habitation. + +From words wrongly understood and wrongly employed arose the bloody +frenzy of revolutions, the grim party-rage, the useless slaughtering +and disputing and the fatal dissipation of thinking and working powers. +In their blind faith in reason and the True Word men destroyed their +own and each other's joy and happiness, not realizing that they all +wanted one and the same thing, for which they employed many different +terms. + +I saw how they all acted from the mighty impulse of the herd-instinct, +the group-sense, the sacred gift of Christ, warrant of their power and +safety - but at the same time how they all thought they acted from +personal, independent judgment and reasonable conviction, to their own +miserable confusion and wretchedness. + +I saw the grouping into rich and poor, because the wholesome craving +for luxury and abundance is corrupted and weakened through neglect of +the tie of love, so that the individual thinks that he alone can be +luxurious and happy in a world of wretches, and thus no one attains +blessedness. And this once more: - because there are no two people who +with the same word know that they mean the same thing. + +And I saw the demagogues taking advantage of our good instincts, of the +craving for luxury, of the group-sense, to start up fatal currents +through the influence of hollow catchwords and ridiculous +over-estimation of self. As though the poor who had known nothing but +poverty and envy would be better proof against luxury than the rich; as +though self-insight and self-restriction were possible without culture; +as though the perfect maturity of every individual, which demands the +very highest organization and efficiency, and which in name is called +the Christian ideal, could be attained all at once, without practice, +without development, without patient discipline. + +All this I saw, and what could I do? My sphere of activity bound me to +fixed duties and to my superiors. I worked in a definite +group-confederacy, the political world of diplomats, and to go beyond +this meant immediate expulsion and ostracism. + +Well, yes, in the clubs and "circles" people speak more freely. There +one sometimes hears the entire diplomatic service ridiculed with +cynical sarcasm by those of inferior rank, and the superiors listen +smilingly, as though regretting that their higher dignity forbade them +this freedom of speech. In these circles many a sharp word would +sometimes escape me too, in regard to the structure of national +prosperity, still everywhere based upon the want of the weaker, and +also regarding the mighty ones on earth with whom I associated, and who +were yet so often embarrassed and foolish when obliged to say something +concerning the highest human gifts - wisdom, art and beauty. And from +some vague confusion of thought, characteristic of the chaos of their +ideas, I was known there as "the red duke," or sometimes too as "the +Christian diplomat." + +But nothing could weaken my conviction that the chaos is busy arranging +itself, at first blindly, with a cruel indifference to suffering, +driven by an inscrutable impulse - but by degrees with clearer +consciousness, more insight, more skill, in proportion as higher wisdom +gradually pairs itself with wider active power. + +It was plain to me that if there ever was a time in human history in +which men were awaiting a hero, a Messiah, a redeemer, it is ours. No +opinion is more foolish than the one that in our age there would be no +room for a prophet. But he must not be a moralist preaching repentance, +not a speculative builder of systems, not a man of lamentations and +warnings, but a poet in very deed. + +Riper than was the French revolution for the advent of an organizing +and suggestively powerful general and ruler like Napoleon, is our time +for the advent of the wise and high-minded administrator, who will make +use of the group-confederacy, the herd-spirit, so much stronger and +more consolidated to-day than ever before. + +I also knew what the qualities and talents of this hero should be. The +time of the great generals is past; the brute power of force is no +longer needed for establishing, only for preserving. The commercial +alliance covers the entire world course, and tolerates war only as a +secondary aid. The honor of the soldier becomes that of the police, the +peace preserver. + +But the qualities of the general, the ability for organizing, for +ruling and for the bearing of responsibility, these remain equally +necessary. + +The Messiah of our time must be the hero-organizer who brings order +into the confused operations and the half-conscious action of our +society. And as in the time of the generals, it was only the +poet-generals, the great dreamers of a world-realm, such as Alexander, +Cæsar and Napoleon, who shone out through all the ages as heroes and +geniuses, so in our time, it will be the poet organizer, the dreamer of +a world fellowship, who will attain still greater heroism, and much +more lasting honor. + +The time of eloquence is also past. The elusive phrases of oratorical +logic only blind young nations, and even America is outgrowing the +authority of the orator who is solely an orator. + +But the time of the drama and of music is not past, and he who knows +how to handle these mighty suggestive expedients can turn the course of +humanity. The herd will follow him though he lead them into the +wilderness or the desert. Wagner and Ibsen have proved it. + +But some day, and probably soon, it will come to pass that the hero of +the new times, the poet organizer, will join hands with the one +suggestively mighty through music and drama, or perchance that these +rare powers shall be united in one man. + +And only then shall the herd be led into green pastures and shall be +satisfied and shall see the day of maturity dawning. + +I say it, I, old hermit among the philistines, and my peace rests upon +this knowledge. I had not the gift for ruling, for organizing, for +leading. I was not eloquent. I had not the power of music or drama. I +could not attempt to be this hero, this "Sotèr" of mankind, for I knew +what was required of him. But I knew and still know that he shall be +born with the infallible certainty with which statistics foretell the +number of geniuses and defectives, the number of those above and below +the normal. His birth is approaching, and speedily moreover, as surely +as the birth of a majority of sons after a man-slaughtering war. For +the race has need of him, Christ requires him. + +And if I myself cannot be he, still I can be his John the Baptist, +testifying of him, happy and enthusiastic in my solitude, in this +desert of caddishness and provincialism. + +XXI + +I had been married seventeen years and my youngest child was eight +years old when I returned to this same Holland, where so many strands +of my rope of destiny are fastened. Little had changed in my life. +Order and peace reigned in my family, prosperity in the sphere of my +activities. Lucia seemed wholly satisfied and ruled her household with +quiet devotion. My children were fair and well brought up. I felt my +growing attachment to them and to their mother, as every creature is +attached to the creatures and the things that have long been its daily +companions - an affection from symbiosis, I might call it. Yet with my +inmost being I remained a stranger to them, and my affection for them +retained its forced quality. An ever-growing discontent was gathering +in me. The older I grew, the nearer I saw the time approaching when age +would make me powerless, the more intense became the strain. I felt as +though I should die without really having lived. I did not fear death, +but to be doomed to die without having revealed my true life, this was +a prospect quite unbearable to me. + +I lived on, strengthened only by my dream nights, but it seemed as +though they were driving and spurring me on to something more - to an +act, to an outbreak. They became rarer and I encountered greater +difficulties in attaining the light and in seeing Emmy in my dreams. +Often it was but a desperate struggle to force my way through chambers, +garrets, and corridors. I could no longer see the unobstructed blue +sky, I could no longer attain the ecstasy of joy so greatly desired, I +could no longer pray in earnest, the voice of my dream-body grew husky +and weak, sometimes when I called Emmy, it sounded as though I spoke in +the tones of a dying man. + +Moreover my temptations became stronger. As soon as the flame of life +burns more dimly, the demons regain their influence and their wanton +tricks are more successful. Lucia's maternal instincts were satisfied, +and her allurement, which had always seemed the same as seduction to +me, lost its power and was most easily evaded. But the old tormenting +life in the big cities began anew, not easier but harder to bear with +the advancing years, for the shame and the self-contempt are greater; +and the contrast between what one appears to be before the world, and +what one knows oneself to be, becomes more painful the older one grows. + +And the while I knew that I harbored thoughts and intentions and even +planned deeds for which everyone, and above all, Lucia and my children, +considered me too good, I at the same time felt something like contempt +for their complacence, their content; I felt angry at this careless, +happy household, in this great, imperfect world, full of misery, +ugliness, error and confusion, this open wound from which it behooves +each of us to suffer until it is healed. + +The great love that burned in me, the great love for Christ, led me to +what most people would call godless ingratitude. I cursed my prosperity +and only with difficulty bore my apparent wedded happiness. I felt as +does the soldier, who is left behind at the warm, comfortable hearth +while the army to the strains of music marches out to take the field. + +The first thing I did in Holland was to buy a little sail yacht. It was +anchored at Amsterdam, as from there I could sail on the Zuiderzee. One +day I had made an engagement with a colleague from the Austrian +legation, a clever, strong, young Hungarian to sail to E------, the +little town, then still unknown to me, where I now write these pages. + +In those days I was passing through the gloomiest period of my life, I +was nauseated with all the sweetness around me, the oppressive +semblance of happiness suffocated and palled on me. I saw absolutely no +deliverance, not even an accident that might threaten to change the +course of my life - new abilities I should surely never acquire, +nothing seemed in view that could bring about a change in my unreal +existence. I was indeed willing humbly to submit if I must - but there +was something that incited and disturbed me, as though submission was +the very greatest sin. + +Wanton suicide before I was brought to the last extremity filled me +with aversion and disgust. But the perils of my sailing expeditions had +again acquired for me their former attraction, as in the days when I +sailed the North Sea with my father. To die the death of Shelley, my +greatest-bard, is an honor I had desired from boyhood, and I thought: +If after all it must be, then why not now, before I sink still deeper? + +The day before our expedition I was deeply depressed. The wind was +blowing strongly, but it was a summer day and my companion thought as +little as I did of postponing our undertaking. + +When I fell asleep that night, I knew that I was falling asleep and I +retained perfect consciousness. In wondrous transition I suddenly rose +from the deepest dejection to the light, free, joyous, soaring life of +the dream. "Thank heaven!" I thought; "let the body sleep now, I rest, +and really I am not at all tired now. I can sing and move about, fly +and soar with thorough perceptive enjoyment." Soon after I was out of +doors in a vast wooded landscape under a sunny blue sky. For a long +time the dream world had not been so beautiful. I was enchanted and +grateful and soared upward. I met a bird, and talking aloud to myself +all the time, I said that I not only wanted perceptive enjoyment but a +being to understand me - spiritual and mental communion. + +I saw a white bull - the animal which in ordinary dreams most alarmed +me - the most feared dream-animal; but I felt no fear and soared high +above him over a sea; there was no danger. + +Then I called my beloved, just as always. But before I myself knew it I +had called not "Emmy," but "Elsie," and this same mistake I repeated, +without noticing my error. From out a dim valley I saw a maiden +approaching, younger and smaller than Emmy, with smooth blonde hair. +But I went to meet her nevertheless as though it were Emmy, and I +walked and talked with her. I talked Dutch, which I had pretty well +mastered by that time. + +Then the maiden pointed to a dark, threatening thunder cloud which was +slowly drawing up over the blue sky. This was a symbol of disaster. But +I was proud and happy and not afraid and wanted to fold her in my arms. +But she was gone; the perfect clarity of my thoughts declined, but not +my sense of happiness. The dream then attained a symbolical +significance, as often happens. I saw a long line of human beings in +bondage, like a procession of slaves, and among them many priests. And +I said things that I knew would cost others their life, heresies about +the evil brought about by false religion, and I saw the poor creatures +growing pale with fright and the priests pale with anger, but I soared +out above them, and their hatred was powerless. Then I saw a large +building, a most peculiarly beautiful and impressive temple, with +mighty pillars of gray stone and carpeted with green moss. There none +might enter without permission of the priests. But I soared far out +above them, entering it from above by the windows. And everyone saw me +and was astonished, and there was a sort of silent recognition that I +was the only one that could do this, and the priests tried to deny the +fact and even to seize me. But I laughed at them, and when they wanted +to touch me I paralyzed them with a gesture. + +And there was no palsied pride or hatred herein, but a calm +self-consciousness of freedom, personal authority and triumph - a good +and beautiful emotion. + +When I awoke I was surprised that I had talked Dutch with Emmy. And I +doubted whether it had indeed been she, although the face was like hers +and I had indeed seen her in such youthful form before. + +The following day we sailed with a stiff sou'-wester toward my little +city, which I was then to see for the first time. From time to time +there were rain showers, mist, with a rough and rising sea. My +companion and I had donned our yellow oilskins and we had our hands +full to keep the frail little craft in the right course. The sea was +deserted, the fisherman had taken refuge in the harbors. When we saw +the harbor of E------ before us and the little city veiled in gray +mist, the waves were dashing over the rear of the boat and the little +yacht was sinking her nose deep into the billows. We had to keep up +bailing her busily, and with mute suspense we gazed toward the pier for +which we were directly heading, expecting every minute to see the boat +fill with water or the rigging break. We could distinguish the people +on the stone pier which ran out into the sea. A crowd had gathered and +stood watching us with mute interest, anxious to see whether we should +make the landing safely. I was unusually calm and happy. I would have +drowned with perfect composure, but I knew that this time it was not +yet to be. + +The black eyes of the Hungarian sparkled with pleasure and pride when +at last, by dint of skilful man?uvring, with furled sail we ran safely +through the narrow entrance of the port. He shouted in his excited way, +and the sober Hollanders, sent up a little answering cheer. + +Then as we glided along past the line of people who stood thronging the +stone quay, amid the stupid indifferent or coolly critical boys' faces +and the faces of the fishermen, rough and weather-beaten as though +carved out of wood, I caught sight of a pair of eyes full of intense +interest and attention, that seemed to light up gladly as with relief, +in a little face still pale from suspense or anxiety. Amid the men +stood a young woman, bareheaded, the wet, blonde hair blowing about her +cheeks. She had thrown a dark gray shawl around her as though she had +run from the house just as she was to watch for us. She looked straight +at me with an expression of concern and gladness. + +I nodded to her, as every Italian, seeing a sweet woman manifesting +concern in his danger which has aroused the general attention, would +do. I nodded gaily and waved to her as though to thank her for her +sympathy. She just gave a little smile and nodded back, not blushing, +nor embarrassed or prudish - but grave and confiding as though she had +expected it. + +At the exchange of this greeting and these glances I had a curious +sensation. It was as if I had forgotten myself for a moment and did not +recognize myself, and as if everything I saw did not fit in the life of +the day. I thought of my dream and without yet consciously drawing any +inferences or comparisons, I for a moment was entirely gone from the +ordinary waking world and in the land of dreams again. + +"Hallo! Muralto - the boat hook!" my Hungarian called out. + +With a shock I came back to earth, and it seemed as if I had been off a +great way and as if everything I saw had been familiar to me, as though +I saw it again after a long absence. + +Before I came back to my senses sufficiently to hand over the boat +hook, my eyes once more sought those of the young woman. But she had +vanished from the quay. I only just caught sight of the slender figure +in the gray shawl as she crossed the little square of the port. She +hurried along with a glad, light step as though she had come solely for +us and now went home, calm and well satisfied. + +"What's the matter? What ails you, Muralto? Do you see anything +particular - or anyone?" + +"Did you see the young woman standing on the quay?" I asked. + +"No!" said the Hungarian, "I didn't remark her. I knew of course that +there were pretty girls here, but not that you knew them." + +"I know no one here. I'm here for the first time," said I curtly, +abstractedly. + +We went to the hotel and dried and warmed ourselves and ordered the +dinner. I looked at everything that, despite the rain, was to be seen +of the little town, later so dear to me, - the pretty gables, the +narrow little streets, glistening with water, the sombre elms creaking +and groaning in the storm, the yellow raging sea. I also saw the house, +in which I now live, and thought it a pretty, dignified little +structure with its free-stone gable, and its tall windows. + +After that we regaled ourselves with food and drink, and my companion +said that after all I must surely have seen some good acquaintance of +mine, some little friend or other - for I was so quiet, so abstracted +and yet so merry. + +That night I slept without dreams of any significance. But sleep itself +had a character of gently elevating joy, and the morning found me +without a semblance of the melancholy that so long had possessed me. + +The weather had cleared, the wind gone down, the sky was blue. We +decided to sail back early. + +As we were leaving the hotel and stopping a moment in the vestibule, +with the blue and white tiled marble flooring and the brown wooden +ceiling, the young woman, who yesterday had stood upon the quay, came +from the out-building and, running past us, went into the upper +chamber. Again she looked me straight in the eyes and nodded cordially. +I was even more confounded than the day before. But nevertheless I had +time to remark that she was very graceful and that she had fine and +noble features and long, aristocratic hands. Her eyes were bright and +had the clear lustre that I had seen in only one pair of eyes, and an +expression as though, together with me, they knew innumerable, +unutterable secrets. + +My Hungarian comrade now again saw my agitation and, moreover, the +cause of it. + +"Oh! was it she that you saw yesterday?" he cried out in French when +the girl had passed. "Then I comprehend your dumbfoundedness." + +"Do you know her?" I asked. + +"Certainly, she is one of the sights of the town. All the strangers +know her." + +"Is this her home?" + +"Of course! and not to the loss of the hotel-keeper. She's his daughter +or his adopted daughter. But not interesting to me, because notoriously +unapproachable." + +"What's her name?" + +"Elsie - Elsie van Vianen, or Elsje as they say here." + +On our prosperous homeward voyage over the sunny sea I was even more +quiet and even merrier than the night before. + +XXII + +As soon as I could make myself free for a day I went out sailing again. +I now knew the way and the water and took no one with me this time. At +daybreak I left The Hague and was beyond the locks before eight +o'clock. I had not mentioned my encounter to Lucia, but nevertheless I +felt none of that secret sense of guilt of a married man, who feels +himself charmed by a strange woman. + +To-day it was a warm summer's day with a light eastern breeze blowing. +The great yellow sheet of water looked as peaceful and friendly as it +had appeared wild and wicked the time before. The little waves sparkled +in the sun and with sweetly soothing murmurings splashed against the +little boat. The shores with their steeples and windmills lay rosy and +placid round about me in perfect dream splendor. I was six hours on my +way instead of three, as before, and they were hours full of light and +sunny bliss. My little city lay as sweetly pensive in the bright glow +of sunlight as a drifting isle of the blessed. The round, leafy, +blue-gray crowns of the trees with the little belfry peaking out above +them, appeared as if tranquilly floating above the sparkling silvery +sheet of water - + + +"Du bist Orplid, mein Land! + +Das ferne leuchtet -" + + +I sang. I smiled at the contrast between the meaningless and trivial +life of the people, who presumably lived there, and the wondrous magic +glory it all assumed through the power of my imagination. I meditated +on the land Orplid - the youthful phantasy of Möricke - to which with a +few measured words he was able to lend a deep, mysterious, glowing +splendor, which has filled thousands, like myself, with a yearningly +passionate thrill of beauty, yes, with a real longing. Is not the +dreamed Orplid that for so many shines afar, more real than all the +lands that waking we behold? + +When I landed there was hardly anyone on the quay; the fisherman sat +caulking his boat, a few boys were fishing in the dark green waters of +the harbor - everything exactly as I can still see it to-day - my +future dwelling-house already looked at me with familiar friendliness +from out its cool, dark window-eyes; the doves cooed in the softly +rustling elms; it smelled of pitch and tar and of the inevitable Dutch +peat-smoke, which rose from the stove pipes of the fishing smacks lying +in the harbor, where the fishermen's wives were cooking the dinner. + +I went straight ahead toward my goal as though I were already a loved +and longingly expected lover, smiling and myself wondering at my +assurance. I went past the little rope shops, where the door-bell +sounded loudly through the empty street when a solitary visitor in +Sunday attire stepped out of the shop, past the barber shop with the +brightly polished brass basins, past the few stately mansions with +ancient stone gables representing "Fortune" or "Love," where the +daughters of the house, from dark side chambers peeped out, from behind +the inevitable Clivia Hower-pot, at the rarely passing stranger, on to +the hotel "de Toelast." + +I have, indeed, as I have already with shame confessed to you, been out +a couple of times on gallant adventure, but never with such +point-blank, unabashed directness as on this summer's day in my beloved +little Dutch city. I also felt none, absolutely none, of the shyness, +the conscientious scruples, the nervousness that usually attend the +gallant adventures of a married man. I felt like a schoolboy going to +claim a prize after a successful examination. My heart only beat a +trifle faster with glad expectation - perhaps too with a little fear at +the thought of the type that would present itself before my eyes as the +father. + +I asked directly for the hotel keeper. At my first visit he had not +made his appearance. From the out-house, after a long wait, a big lazy +Dutch man came shuffling on in a very slovenly and ill-fitting gray +suit, a black silk cap, a soiled shirt in place of the missing collar +and tie, an open vest full of cigar ashes, a cigar in a paper holder in +his mouth, and worn, flowered, green slippers on his feet. When after +some little conflict with myself I finally looked into his face, I saw +a flushed, full-moon countenance, clean-shaven except for a drooping +moustache under a small crooked nose - and in this face one sleepy eye; +the other had perhaps once been there, but now was lost. + +"Are you Mynheer Van Vianen?" I asked in Dutch, which at the time I +still spoke with a pronounced Italian accent. + +"No!" said the offensive father, without taking the cigar from his +mouth. + +"But you are the hotel-keeper at any rate?" I asked in a disagreeable +state of uncertainty. + +"Yes," came the answer just as curtly, as though he wanted to say, "Are +you through soon now? Then we'll go to sleep again." + +"But are you not then the father of Juffrouw Van Vianen, who lives in +this house?" + +"No!" said the man. "She has no father. She's a foundling." + +I could have embraced the unsightly boor. His indelicate communication +seemed to me the happiest compliment and the gladdest tidings that I +could have expected from him. He could not know that his brutal +rudeness, which he in Dutch fashion seemed to take for lusty candor, +something like "I won't be bothered talking around the subject" - that +this rudeness was for me a blessing. The advantage of not being +descended from him he would indeed hardly be able to appreciate. I +breathed more freely; it was one of the loveliest moments of this +lovely day. The word "foundling" was for me like an opening blind in a +dark chamber of boorishness and provincialism, suddenly revealing a +vista of distant, mistily romantic perspectives. To be sure I had +comforted myself with the thought that the race can, at any time and +anywhere, bring forth geniuses through atavism; thus also in the family +of a Dutch provincial hotel-keeper, a womanly genius of noble grace, +charm and distinction; but this was after all much sweeter solace. With +a foundling one could presuppose noble ancestors of any nationality. I +too now found it unnecessary to talk longer around the subject. + +"Then would you kindly tell Juffrouw Van Vianen that there is someone +who urgently desires to speak to her?" + +The cigar now fell from the gaping mouth and the solitary eye also +opened perceptibly wider like that of a hippopotamus emerging from the +water. I was scrutinized a while. + +"Urgently?" he growled, as though such a thing were most improbable and +also improper. + +"Yes, urgently." + +"Hm!" said the Dutchman. He stuck the paper mouth-piece with the cigar +back into his mouth and shuffled back on his slippers to the out-house, +the while a remarkable stirring seemed to be going on in the brains +underneath the black cap. + +A moment later Elsje came. This time she blushed deeply when she saw +me, although there was now really less reason for it than last time. +But I knew it was joy, for I also saw her eyes sparkling. + +"Oh, is it you!" she said with restrained surprise. "Did you wish to +speak with me?" + +"If it is convenient to you, Juffrouw Van Vianen?" + +"Just step into the upper room. Didn't your French friend come with +you?" + +"I crossed the sea alone. The other gentleman is a Hungarian, and not a +particular friend of mine either." + +"Oh, good!" said Elsje, leaving me in sweet doubts as to what she found +good. + +We went into the upper room. I can remember a red table cover, cane +chairs, a crocheted cover over a tea-set, horrible steel engravings on +the walls. Everything lovely and adorable - what would I not give to +see it once more! But "de Toelast" has long since been rebuilt. + +I felt somewhat embarrassed, yet not oppressed. I refreshed myself by +gazing quietly into her soft, bright eyes. I could see only the eyes +clearly. Whether the face was pretty or homely I could not judge. It +was too intimate, too beloved, too much a part of me. + +"Did I guess rightly that you stood watching on the pier out in the +rain only on our account last Sunday?" + +She nodded gravely. "Yes! I was afraid that you would be drowned. It +has indeed happened quite frequently that little yachts were sunk with +that wind blowing. And there was no way of saving them." + +"Yes, we came off well. But how did you know that we were coming?" + +"Well, I saw the people looking out from the quay and I realized that +there was a boat in peril." + +"But would you have done it for any other boat too?" + +Then she remained silent and looked at me long. I thought I saw a mist +gathering in her eyes. Her answer sounded timid, as though she dared +not say it or feared to be laughed at. + +"I was uneasy all morning. The night before too. I have never felt so +strangely anxious. Only when I saw your face did I become tranquil." + +"Then did you know my face? Had you dreamt of me?" + +She shook her head. "Not that I know of. But yet I cannot say that your +face is strange to me. I have surely seen it before this." Then as +though to herself she whispered: "Where I do not know." + +"You knew the Hungarian, didn't you? He seemed to know you." + +Elsie laughed, the short clear laugh that has later so often made me +happy. + +"Oh, he! - yes, he has been here before. He surely hadn't much good to +say of me." + +"Quite the contrary!" said I. "He paid you a great compliment. He said +that you were unapproachable." + +Elsje laughed still louder. + +"How conceited these foreigners are. Especially these dark foreigners +who speak French. If you just treat them with ordinary civility they +think they can allow themselves anything. I cannot be careful enough +with these persons." + +That was meant for me, I thought. I made a little bow and said: + +"I thank you for your warning. I shall try my best not to foster any +illusions and to give you no cause for exercising caution." + +She became so embarrassed that I regretted my words. + +"Oh, you!" she said with charming emphasis and naive candor: "I really +didn't mean you! - with you I don't have to be careful - I saw that +directly." + +"Who knows, Juffrouw Elsie! for I am one of those dark foreigners too, +and my Dutch is not yet quite irreproachable." + +"You are no stranger to me," she said again, softly and earnestly. + +I believe that we said nothing for a long time then, and gazed at each +other without finding it in the least embarrassing or oppressing. + +We both felt as though the responsibility of our situation did not rest +with us, but with One who probably knew best in everything and in whose +keeping we were safe. + +At last she got up, saying: "You surely want your room put to rights +again. It has not been used since you were here last and I saved your +bed linen." + +"Did you know then that I would come back?" + +"I thought you would." + +"Did you hope so?" + +"Yes!" she said artlessly. + +This was so totally different from what other women I had known would +have replied, that it made me feel confused. I had no conception or +experience of woman's love that can dispense with playful dissembling, +and so thought that I was mistaken after all. I began to consider that +I was already quite an old man and she apparently about twenty years +younger. Perhaps I resembled some one she had formerly known; perhaps +she took me for her unknown father or sought in me a substitute for her +unengaging supporter. I prepared myself for all this, firmly determined +not to disappoint her. + +"Will you do me the favor of being my guide about the city this +afternoon? It looks like such a pretty and attractive little town to +me." + +"I?" she asked with evident pleasure. "I'll be very glad to. But first +you must eat something." + +"Will your ... stepfather have no objections? + +Elsje smiled surprised and a bit scornfully. + +"Who? - Jan Baars? - Why no! that makes no difference to him. He has no +authority over me either." + +How thankful these proud words made me. Hastily leaving the room she +said: + +"I'll see that you get something to eat quickly. Then while you're +eating I'll get dressed and at three o'clock I'll go out with you." + +And I remained behind, blithe as an angel and full of expectancy as a +child on his birthday. + +When we went out she had dressed, and it was astonishing to see with +what simple means she achieved an appearance of tasteful distinction. A +round straw hat, a white standing collar, a well-tailored light gray +suit, a lavender silk tie - and she was a lady among the boorish and +bourgeois women of her town. For on the point of dress the artistic +Hollanders, as soon as they discard their quaint old national costume, +are probably the most tasteless people in the world, and of these the +women of a North Dutch provincial town are probably even the very worst +dressed. + +As we walked along the hot quiet streets we saw the residents peeping +at us through their wire window screens with amazed, well-nigh angry +glances. + +"Do you see how we are being stared at?" said Elsje. "That will give +them something to talk about for a whole week again." + +"And don't you mind that, Juffrouw Elsje?" + +"Why, no!" said Elsje, with a pretty expression of power and personal +dignity: "I have taught them that I do exactly what I myself think +right. Now there isn't one left who dares accost me about it. It does +them no good, anyway. And what they say to each other I do not hear, +nor am I anxious to find out." + +We went to the museum. It was silent, cool and deserted there. The +door-keeper sat nodding in his corner. Amid the relics of that old, +stout, merry people that, a few centuries ago, strove to surround their +earthly life with beauty and comfort here, amid the prints and +paintings of the graceful, gorgeous, flag-bedecked vessels; the +portraits of magistrates, charmingly elegant and autocratic, the +muskets and cuirasses and lances, the medals and placards, the rare +bibelots and the fine porcelain from the East and West brought together +in this little sailor's hamlet, we spent a few hours of profound +intimate happiness. + +Elsje knew very little, but she was quick to understand, and she +listened to my explanations with such eager desire for learning, with +such rapt attention, with such unlimited faith in my knowledge, that it +made me feel confused and I begged her not to take me for an oracle - +for though I had indeed read much and seen a good deal of the world, +yet I was by no means a scholar such as is demanded in our days. + +"Ah! I live in such a small narrow circle here. To me you are the +great, vast world," said Elsje with a charming deference. + +When the daylight faded and it grew cooler, we wandered out through the +old, dark gateway up across the thickly wooded dike into the open green +fields, where we watched the sun setting in flame-colored majesty. We +walked to what is now my nursery, and I drew her attention to the +marvellous flight of the gulls soaring motionless against the wind, to +the colors of the sea and of the heavens, to the brightly-sparkling +Venus glittering greenish white against the rose-colored background of +the sky, and I told her all I knew. + +Then I came back to our conversation of the morning. + +"Have you often such forebodings as when I was approaching in peril on +the sea?" + +"Yes, always when something important is going to happen to me, good or +bad, I know it before. It never fails." + +"This time it was good, though, I hope? + +"Yes, good," she said, smiling sweetly, "but alarming nevertheless. You +must not sail so recklessly again. Boats like your little yacht should +be in the harbor with such a wind blowing. Even all the fishing smacks +were in and they can stand quite a bit more rough weather." + +"I was calm and assured. I knew that I would see you. I had dreamt of +you, of your face and of your name." + +"Really?" said Elsje, looking straight at me with her frank, innocent +eyes. + +Before this look my heart melted with tenderness. I felt a desire to +kneel down before her and cover her hands with tears and kisses. But I +controlled myself, for I reflected that I was an Italian and that it +was a Dutch girl I had to deal with, and I did not want to risk my +fragile happiness by foolish extravagances. And there was a subtle +relish in this sobriety and this respectful self-control. But I wanted +to be honest too - my happiness must rest on a firm foundation of +uprightness - I wanted to make my position clear. + +"Yes, really, Elsje; and yet I had never heard of you, and no one had +spoken of you to me. And now, tell me, had you never heard of me +either? Do you know anything about me? Do you know my name?" + +"I saw your name in the hotel register. Otherwise I knew nothing of you +until I saw you." + +"Really not? Also not ?" + +"What?" + +"That I am married and have a good wife and four children?" I burst +out, almost roughly in my brave effort to spare myself nothing and to +risk the worst. + +Elsje without starting gazed at me long, attentively and thoughtfully. +What I distinctly discerned in her glance was a questioning doubt and a +tender compassion. + +"A good wife and four children," she repeated softly, pensively. "I +thought that you were probably married. But you are not happy after +all, I know it." + +"No, I am not happy, Elsje, that is true. Or rather - was not until +to-day." + +She asked nothing more after that, as though she thought that I would +probably myself tell her what I deemed necessary for her to know. But I +knew enough, and I also saw that she knew enough and we spoke no more +about ourselves that day. We felt as one does in dreams - one +understands and communicates without words. + +I slept very little that night. With me also, well balanced in mind as +I am, sleep grows more elusive with the advancing years. But it is not +care, but happiness, that drives it away. I lay all night silent and +happy in a bright cloud of joy, thinking of her who now lay peacefully +breathing under the same roof. Then toward morning I had a short dream, +which by its dark terror gave me a measure for the brightness of my +joy. I dreamt that I was back in my office at The Hague and, coming +home, I found a letter containing my transference to Japan. My sailing +excursions, my little city, Elsje - it had all been a dream and I was +again deep in my old, gloomy life, worldly and yet estranged from the +world. My anguish was terrible, I cried and sobbed desperately and woke +up in that way, my face and my pillow now really wet with tears. And +then - the relief, the transition, the glorious realization of the +reality of my newly-found happiness, my dawning memory of yesterday's +beautiful day, of Elsje's winsome ways and the frank, fervent look in +her eyes, her ready sympathy and tender compassion. Only then I really +comprehended what had been given me. I was no longer a stranger in the +world - life, the sacred human life had won me back. I would not die +after all without having been entirely human. + +At my solitary breakfast in the upper room, into which the sun was +shining, Elsje, amid the pressure of her domestic duties, stopped a +moment to greet me. I said that I had no time to sail back, but would +go home by train, leaving the yacht anchored in the harbor, to call for +it the following Sunday. + +"That is well considered," said Elsje, with a roguish little laugh of +comprehension. + +And at my departure I saw my peaceful, friendly little city, with its +venerable old church steeple, stretched out calm and sunny in matinal +activity. In front of the ugly, bare little station I turned, and +stretching out my hands I blessed the little city with all my heart, +murmuring in my glowing, passionate mother tongue: + + +"Benedetto sia 'l giorno e 'l mese e 'l anno + +E la stagione e 'l tempo e 'l ora e 'l punto + +E 'l bel paese e 'l loco ov' io fu giunto + +Da duo begli occhi, che legato m' hanno." + +XXIII + +"Dear Lucia, will you hear me a moment? I have something to tell you +and would like to have it off my mind before we go to bed." + +We had just come home from a court banquet and in our gala dress stood +looking over the letters which had arrived that night. Lucia looked up +interestedly. + +"Come to my room with me then," she said, and then regarding me: "It is +surely something good, isn't it? I haven't seen you in such good +spirits for a long time." + +I followed her silently. When we were seated quietly I realized what a +vast abyss yawned between our two worlds and what a foolish undertaking +was the endeavor to bridge it. I spoke slowly - + +"Yes, it is something good, something very good. But I don't know +whether I shall succeed in convincing you of that." + +Lucia harkened attentively, and again and again I paused a moment, so +as to proceed with careful precision in my endeavors to bring about an +understanding. + +"So you have noticed that I am in better spirits now, or rather that I +am happier than I was. It is so and it proves to you that something +good has happened. I was not happy because there was something lacking +in my life, something that I can with difficulty explain to you. And +now I have found it, and it opens up for me a glorious prospect of +peace and rest, of the highest content that any human being can expect. +A vast sea, a calm ocean of peace and joy.?" + +Lucia waited and listened intently. + +"Let me begin by saying that I am profoundly grateful to you for your +faithful love, your care for me, for our children, our home. And also +this - that my affection from the day of our marriage until to-day has +never weakened, but constantly grown deeper. Will you believe me when I +tell you this?" + +Lucia nodded mutely. But I saw the shadow passing over her pretty, +placid countenance and the frown contracting the white, still youthful +brow. + +"If you have ever loved me and believed in me, I now call upon this +love and this faith. Does not love signify to desire the happiness of +the loved one and faith to believe that he himself can best know and +judge of this happiness??" + +"Well?" said Lucia. "Where are you leading to?" + +"Would it be possible for you to believe that it detracts nothing from +a great affection, nothing, nothing, to have a still greater love +complement it? Yes, that the power of a very great love even +strengthens and unites in us all other affections. Can you feel +something of the truth of: + +'True love in this differs from gold and clay + +That to divide is not to take away.'" + +Lucia bowed her head and stared fixedly at her hands, which she clasped +together convulsively. The frown was deeper and a bitter expression +settled around her pretty mouth. Then she whispered hoarsely: + +"Who is it?" + +Now once and for all I saw the hopelessness of my endeavor. But I went +on. + +"First contemplate generalities, Lucia, and from those judge the +particular. Do you know the truth which I indicated? Do you disagree +with any one of the general facts that I cited?" + +But she followed the train of her thoughts: + +"Is it Countess Thorn?" + +This was a well-known, mundane beauty who, it was said, had come to +live at The Hague on my account. + +"What motive have you, Lucia, for being anxious to know the person that +gives me so much happiness? You care for me, don't you? What feelings +should one cherish toward some one who makes a beloved person happy and +does him good beyond measure?" + +Lucia laughed, a short, scornful laugh of contempt. She glanced at me +swiftly and furtively. + +"Come, Vico, make an end now with these miserable sophisms. I always +thought that you were better than other men. But I knew that this was +hanging over my head just as it threatens every woman. That you +disappoint me so now, you, that is terrible enough. But don't make it +worse by foolish self-deception of this sort and by childish nonsense, +as though I ought to be thankful to her who has destroyed my domestic +happiness. That only makes you sink still deeper in my esteem." + +Only then I really felt the absolute impossibility of what I had +attempted. But I did not regret it and I resolved resolutely to +persist. It was essential to the clearing of my life from falsehood at +which I had so hopefully begun. I did not answer directly, and she went +on. + +"I appreciate it, Vico, that you immediately speak to me about it. That +is what I expected of you as a gentleman. But then do speak openly and +loyally too, without these wretched sophistries. Tell me what I have a +right to know. Tell me who it is. Let me know what I have to hope and +to fear. Tell me ? how bad it is. Say it as directly as possible, so +that I may know whether it is but a passing infatuation or ... worse. +That I may know what awaits us - we ... and our children." + +At these last words her voice began to tremble and the tears came. + +Falteringly, in my anxiety to be well understood, I continued: + +"It is wholly unlike a passing infatuation. If you call the reverse of +this 'bad,' then it is as bad as you can possibly imagine, or worse ?" + +"0 Lord!" Lucia sobbed into her handkerchief. "Who is it then? Who? ? +Do I know her? + +"No! You don't know her at all." + +"Not?" she pronounced this with great astonishment. "Does she live at +The Hague? Have you known her long? Is she a person of rank?" + +"She does not live at The Hague, Lucia, but in a little provincial town +of Holland. I have known her only a very short time. Her rank is +housekeeper in a hotel - thus no rank." + +Lucia looked up, surprise and relief on her tearful countenance. + +"0 Vico! is it that? But then ?" She paused, reflected, shook her head. +And then again: "How is it possible? ? What unhappy creatures men are! +Is she young and pretty?" . . . + +Drily and coolly I answered: + +"I could say neither one nor the other exactly. I don't believe that +you would think her pretty, but I do think she is quite young." + +"Haven't I been a good wife to you, then, Vico? Wherein did I fall +short?" + +"In nothing, dear Lucia; you have been a good and excellent wife to me. +I appreciate it, and am grateful for it. I tried also to be a good +husband to you." + +"That you have been too, Vico. Until now I have had nothing to reproach +you for. And we were just so happy. Vittoria was to make her début this +winter. Guido is entirely well again. Oh! that this should never fail +to happen! How alike all men are in that respect." + +"Forgive me, Lucia, I realize that you have much to forgive. But I was +not happy. I feigned happiness for your sake." + +"And what was it you missed? Was I not enough for you? Must a man then +have always fresh excitement? Am I growing too old?" + +"No, dear Lucia, it is nothing of all that. It isn't that by any means. +But I see no possibility of making you understand it. I was spiritually +unhappy and often longed for death. I wanted something that you could +not give me." + +"Poor man, but why didn't you speak sooner? Why didn't you warn me?" + +"Because it would have been useless." + +"Why? Tell me what you missed. Let me try to give you what you long +for. I will do what I can for you. What is it? What has this ? other +that I should not be able to give? Can I not prevent you from sinking +so deeply? Can I not save you from this sin? It is only two weeks you +say that you have known her - can it be that in so short a time you +should be so irretrievably lost? Let me help you." + +Deeply pathetic was the expression of eager helplessness with which she +gazed at me beseechingly. And deeper my hopelessness of making her +understand what had happened. + +"I not only have known her but a very short time, Lucia, but have even +only spoken to her twice, and never touched her - except her hand. And +yet ?" + +"What!" said Lucia, with vehement and happy amazement. "Is it nothing +more? A spirit friendship?" + +"A spirit love, I would rather say." + +"With a hotel maid? I believe you, Vico; you do not lie. I know you as +a man of honor. Men have such phantasies. And ? and ?" with whispered +emphasis and wide, searching eyes: "will it remain so?" + +"No, Lucia, I don't want to deceive you. It certainly will not remain +so." + +Then she rose and walked about the room in violent emotion. + +"Oh, but my God, Vico, what possesses you? You are contemplating the +greatest wrong, the deepest offence to me, the disgrace of your family, +the eternal ruin of your soul - you can easily turn back, nothing yet +is lost, and you don't want to! You don't want to! Is this woman a +witch then? An enchantress? Oh, now I know that you have no religion! +Now I see what it is to have no religion." + +I did not answer, and in my mind I compared the two spirit-worlds that +here confronted one another, weighing the one against the other. And +there is none who reads this and has read the preceding chapter, not +even you, dear reader of original mind, but shall waver on this subtle +boundary line. And yet in his heart he shall have to choose and range +himself on one side or the other. For we human beings may proudly raise +ourselves above good and evil, saying that no sin may be accounted as +guilt to our frail short-sighted nature - the choice, the terrible +irrevocable choice, with every irrevocable second, is not spared us, +and must be made. + +My choice was made. I no longer wavered, but I pondered on the awful +power that forces us to choose where we can yet distinguish so poorly, +that relentlessly pushes us on into the dense fog with its dimly +gleaming lights. + +Lucia however interpreted my silence as irresolution, and with the +exertion of all her powers she attempted a desperate attack upon my +heart. She threw herself down on her knees before me, sobbing and +crying and kissing my hands. She begged and implored me to have pity, +if not with her then at least with the children and with myself. + +Then I said: + +"Dear Lucia, no more than you have the power to change day into night +for me or night into day, no more can you make me call the light that I +see darkness or deter me from following it. I can only leave you this +choice: do you wish me to deceive you, or would you have me be upright? +In the latter case you must control yourself, for the more I see you +suffer, the stronger grows the temptation not to be upright toward you." + +It was even more the tone in which I uttered them than perhaps my words +that made her realize that she had nothing more to hope for. + +She got up and dried her tears. Then recovering herself, she said: + +"I see, Vico, that a Satanic charm has been cast upon you. Of course I +desire your uprightness. I shall endeavor to bear everything and to +make the best of it and I shall pray for you." + +"Thank you, Lucia," said I, rising. + +But she came and stood in front of me. + +"Yes, but . . . what now?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked, not entering sufficiently into her +thought-life. + +"You now put me into a position which I have known only from hearsay +and never thought myself to experience. Thousands of women live in this +position, that I know. But you will surely have so much consideration +for me, that you will spare me as much as possible. That after all I +may duly claim from you." + +"Of course, Lucia, I shall spare you as much as possible." + +"I do not ask it for myself, but for our children. You will respect my +good name, won't you? You won't bring public disgrace upon us? You +won't drag the honor of our family, the name of our children into the +streets?" + +The intuitive tactics of a woman are like those of a shrewd and careful +general, who saves his best troops until the battle seems almost lost. +I felt that now she had declared herself ready to yield in the main +point, I could refuse her no concession. + +"What do you demand of me, Lucia?" + +"That all this remains a secret between us. That you avoid all public +scandal. That before the world our household remains as it was." + +I could not suppress a slightly disdainful smile. + +"So you would withhold my uprightness, which for yourself you so +greatly desire, from the world?" + +"Oh, Vico, you will promise me that. You do care for us, don't you?" + +"Of course I do." + +"And you are sensible of your obligations toward your family. Even the +most corrupt man is sensible of those." + +"I too am sensible of them, Lucia." + +"And you do recognize that you have wronged me." + +"That I have, Lucia - not now, but before this." + +"But then you surely want to make some amends, to somewhat mitigate the +blow - when it's so easy to do it. See I shall leave you absolutely +free. I shall not question you, not pry, not even make an allusion. But +do you then spare our family too. That is all I ask. Spare our children +this disgrace." + +I was not prepared, and it is not easy when taking a critical step in +life to go just far enough and with neither half-heartedness nor +exaggeration. Therefore my answer was weak. + +"Very well, dear friend," said I. "I shall as far as possible take +account of your desires." + +Then we wished each other a good night, well knowing that we had +pronounced an idle wish. + +XXIV + +It was not a strict and definite promise I had given. But still it was +a yielding from tender-heartedness that I deplore, though without +self-reproach. He who chooses the high, unbeaten tracks should have +overcome all tender-heartedness that leads to half measures. What is +counted as virtue in the faithful member of the herd, is vice in the +seceder. But I knew, how immediately beyond the safe confederacy of the +group, skulked the wolf of fanaticism. I knew how difficult it is to +keep one's balance upon the steep, lonely paths of originality, how +easily the pathfinder, overwhelmed by the giddy sense of unbounded +freedom, falls down into gulfs of fanaticism, hysteria, bigotry and +madness. + +Who shall always know how to find the exact medium between bold +consistency and reckless extravagance? + +The tendency toward self-sacrifice is an instinct, like all others, +beautiful and useful when it remains in harmony with all our other +instincts, and helps along in the common battle for Christ, who has +given them to us. But this instinct can be perverted and run wild into +asceticism and a passion for self-mortification, as hunger into +gluttony and thirst into drunkenness. + +I knew that heroic consistency must lead me to unite myself openly with +the being who had re-awakened in me the highest, holiest and most +blessed emotions - and this meant declaring an open feud against +society. For without doubt I should have the whole world against me, my +own children included. I should lose my position, be expelled from my +circle. I should have to brave poverty too. My mother was still living +and I myself had nothing save the high salary which I would lose. And +to live on Lucia or my mother remained absolutely beyond consideration. + +I did not fear all this so much for itself, as for the danger of +fanatic self-torture I saw in it. For above all, in the arbitrary +breaking of the bonds between myself and my children there lay a +refined torture, and I also knew that Lucia's suffering would not let +me rest a day, no matter how firm my conviction might be that I had +done right. I should feel remorse just as well then as I should if I +did not do what I deemed right. Two consciences would always be at war +in me, whether I turned to the right or to the left. + +And then - what would my conflict with the world signify, powerless as +I was? Should I convince anyone by my action that it is right to break +a mock union, to clear an untrue life, to assert our true sentiments +and feelings, to pursue the things eternal and the pure blessedness, +and to remain true to Christ in the face of the world? + +It would merely be said: "There's another fallen into the bog," and I +should disappear like a stone in the mire. + +I do not want to excuse; I only want to explain. To make it clear how +it was possible that I, after this first vigorous wrench at my fetters, +nevertheless for many years still led an irresolute double life, +apparently the same happy pater-familias and prosperous man of the +world, hiding my real, true life in the little seaport town and +restricting it to the hours that I spent together with her, who had +awakened it and who kept it alive. + +When I went to get my boat and was starting the night before for +E------, my son Guido, a sport-loving youngster of fourteen, asked +whether he might accompany me. In my sense of guiltlessness I would +perhaps have raised no objection, but his mother immediately +interposed, with quick intuition guessing at the object of my journey +and by a clever pretence thwarted his plan. + +Elsje was awaiting me at the station and we had a long conversation, in +which I for the first time experienced what a blessing it is to be able +to give oneself freely, to show oneself as one likes best to be, to +hold back nothing for fear of being misunderstood, even though one +expresses oneself as always, with but the same limited means, toward a +human being having the same limited comprehensive faculty as all men. +For here was the infinite love with its magic interpretive power, that +completes the defective, and from a few faltering phrases is able to +erect a lofty structure of sympathy and understanding, because the +beautiful plan in both speaker and listener has from the very beginning +been designed by a higher wisdom, and no intellectual material is made +use of and applied but must be in harmony with this fixed plan. + +"I have spoken about us at home, Elsje." + +"With whom?" + +"With her whom the world calls my wife, the mother of my children." + +"What is her name?" + +"Lucia." + +After I had spoken this, I have nevertheless quite frequently forgotten +myself and spoken of "my wife." But Elsje never, not a single time. + +"What did you say about me?" + +"May I tell you quite frankly, Elsje? And will you tell me just as +frankly whether what I said was right?" + +"Yes," said Elsje, shyly and softly. + +"I said that I had met a woman of whom, at first sight and after two +brief encounters, I could say that she would give me the great love +which was still wanting in my life. Was that rightly said, Elsje?" + +"Yes," I heard a whisper beside me. Arm in arm we wandered through the +dark lonely streets of the little town which was going to rest. The +confidential pressure of her arm in mine was a never experienced joy. + +"It was not quite understood, Elsje. It was taken for self-delusion and +the entire case treated as a common gallant adventure. That's not +surprising and it will appear that way to everyone. We must resign +ourselves to that." + +"Of course!" said Elsje. + +"But I had a difficult half hour, for Lucia begged me not to see you +again." + +"Poor Lucia - does she care for you very much?" + +"Certainly - and I told her that nothing was taken away from my +affection for her. But she wouldn't hear of that -" + +"Of course!" said Elsje again. "I shouldn't accept that either. Why +should she?" + +"Look, look," thought I smilingly; "even the rivals among women yet +ever conspire together." + +"I thought it might be a consolation. But I seem to be mistaken in +that. I remained firm, though I told her that nothing would hold me +back from Elsje." + +"Oh, if I am only worthy of it! If only I am worthy of it!" + +"That is fear of responsibility, Elsje. That we both have. But it is a +weakness." + +"And did Lucia yield?" + +"She first asked whether it could remain a spirit friendship. I refused +to promise that." Elsie remained silent. + +"Do you think that was right, Elsie?" + +She nodded. + +"Then she yielded, but on one condition." + +"What?" + +"That before the world I would remain her husband. That everything +would be secret." + +"Oh!" cried Elsie vehemently with anger and surprise. "Then she never +really cared for you either. Never!" And then indignantly: "You didn't +promise that though, did you?" + +There I stood, poor sinner, and hadn't a word to say. And I felt while +seeking to defend myself that by nature a man always remains a sophist. + +"Dear Elsie! remember that this consideration for a proud woman like +Lucia is of much greater import than the sacrifice for us. Consider how +much I have grieved her. Consider how few women would so nobly forgive +this to their husbands. Consider that after all the past makes it my +duty to care for her and my children. Disgrace is a very dreadful thing +for them, something much more dreadful than you can probably +comprehend." + +"I consider just that a disgrace," said Elsie, illogically, but to the +point, "to want to keep up a lie before the world." + +"Consider then, Elsie, what it would mean for me. I should not see my +children again. They would not want to recognize me. I should bring a +terrible sorrow upon them, and I am very fond of them." + +"Would none of them try to understand it, to forgive it?" asked Elsie. + +"Not one of them, I fear. Even were it only on account of their mother, +whom they adore. And remember that, beside my children, I should also +lose my position. My wife ? I mean Lucia is wealthy, but I am not ?" + +"Would your health suffer if you were poorer?" asked Elsie, with naive +directness and perfect sobriety, though the question almost sounded +ironical to me. In a very impolitic fashion I had again reserved my +weakest argument for the last. + +"Not that! Not that! ? but perhaps I am too much spoilt ? I should have +the whole world against me ? and I don't know if all that ?" + +I felt that I was going wrong, thus I would end by myself casting a +doubt upon the self-sacrificing power of my love. Elsie helped me out +of it. + +"May I now speak quite frankly with you too? Yes? Then listen! I am so +dazed, so overwhelmed by the greatness of that which I receive from +you, so suddenly and so bewilderingly, that you must not expect me at +once to judge rightly. It seems ridiculous to me that I should not be +satisfied with the least that you would offer me, now that I am getting +so infinitely much more than I ever could have hoped for or expected. +Though I never saw you again after this night, yet I should be +eternally grateful to you. But forgive me if in your difficulty I judge +too much according to my own feelings. Your grief for your children - +that I can comprehend. But all the rest I don't understand; it is +strange to me, contrary to my nature. Of the world and of the money I +should not think - I don't know these things and have not experienced +their power. I only know that I should like to be with you always and +should like to confess it openly before all the world. And if I were in +Lucia's place, and really cared for you, I wouldn't want for one moment +to bind you, cost what it would to me. I shouldn't be able to bear it, +that you lived beside me and were looked upon as my husband and +secretly cared for another, I should think that much more terrible than +all the sorrows of a divorce." + +"Lucia would never agree to a divorce. That is a matter of religion +with her. A Catholic marriage is indissoluble." + +"And are you, yourself, also a Catholic, devoutly Catholic?" + +"Lucia says that I have no religion whatever." + +Elsje looked at me anxiously. + +"Is that so? And I had just hoped to learn so much from you concerning +that. It occupies me all day long. Even now I have a hundred questions +ready, for you. I had put all my trust in you." + +"In what faith were you brought up, Elsie? + +"Brought up? I wasn't brought up. I must make another confession to you?" + +I saw that she hesitated and was troubled. I began to fear some +unpleasant secret or other. + +"Speak without fear, Elsie. It is safe with me. Trust me." + +"That I would like to, but see, I know you are a distinguished man of +noble birth." + +"That signifies nothing, Elsje - I am not so proud of that." + +I was joking, but she understood me. + +"No, you are not proud, but still you have assurance. That I have not. +Do you know how I got my name?" + +"Well?" + +"They called me Van Vianen, became I was found near Vianen. I have no +parents." + +She said this deeply humiliated and ashamed. And in my heart I laughed, +because now after all she too showed herself apprehensive of the voice +of the herd, and because she felt as a disgrace, the very thing that, +as an aureole of romance, had delighted me. + +"Oh, is it only that!" I cried; "that I already knew. All week I have +thought of the poor, dear little one as crying, it was laid down upon +the grass by a desperate mother. Likely it was a royal child, Elsje!" + +Elsie laughed, reassured and happy. + +"They let me become a Mennonite. Not Jan Baars, but his sister who took +me into her home as a child." + +"Ah! Mennonite!" said I. I hadn't the slightest idea what theological, +ethical and ritual peculiarities were attached to this creed. I only +knew that it must be one of the innumerable variations or sects of +Protestantism. + +"To be sure it's a good custom of the Mennonites that they don't +baptize you as a child, when you don't yet know whether you would +rather be a Roman Catholic or an Israelite, but later, when you are +confirmed and can yourself choose. But look! when I was eighteen I knew +just as little what to choose. And now I don't know yet." + +"And still you let yourself be baptized?" + +"Why yes, there was surely no wrong in that. But if they would have you +choose well they would first have to let you serve an apprenticeship +with the Romans, then another with the Protestants, then another with +the Jews and then with the Mohammedans?" + +"Not to mention the Hindus, the Buddhists and the Shintoists," said I. + +"So that you would need seven lives before you could let yourself be +baptized, isn't it so? And yet it is so necessary, so very, very +necessary that you choose the right thing, isn't it? I never can +understand how all people just live on carelessly, and all believing +something different, and never consider that they might perhaps be +wrong, and how terrible that would be. They simply assume, and only +feign assurance, and you never hear them talk of it, so they probably +do not break their hearts about it. And if you were to believe them, +then everyone who thinks differently than they is a miserable wretch. +But they all think differently, and so one or the other must be wrong, +and yet they are all equally certain and assured. How is that possible +now? Why it's absurd!" + +I thought it was already a great deal for Elsie, in her solitude, to +have arrived at the realization of this absurdity. Then I threw out my +sounding-line - + +"What do you think of Christ, Elsie?" + +"I love best to read of Jesus; I think it wonderful to read - +especially toward Christmas time - how he came on earth as a little +child, and about the star and the shepherds. When I think of Jesus, I +always think of him as a little child with Mary his Mother. I should +like to have a picture or an image of them, but that's considered +Catholic. Do you know more of Jesus and can you tell me all about him?" + +"I asked about Christ, Elsie." + +"Isn't that the same?" + +"They are all only names from which we can choose. I prefer to say +Christ, because I don't believe that there lived a man called Jesus who +was Christ. But I do positively know that there is something that all +men call Christ, and that lives and knows and loves us. And this Christ +they already knew long before Jesus is said to have lived. I have seen +images of the Mother with the child exactly like the one you would like +to have, and it was thousands of years older than Jesus and made by the +Egyptians, and instead of Mary and the Christ Child they spoke of Isis +and the Horus Child, and the Chinese too made such images." + +"And what do they mean by it?" + +"Ordinary people mean a holy mother with a holy child, a saviour. But +the few wiser ones probably mean the earth mother and the child +humanity. I at least presume it, and when men now speak of Christ, then +I believe, Elsje, that the most and the best, those who really mean +something by the word, something real that they have felt - that they +mean something that is equivalent to humanity." + +"Humanity? that means nothing to me. Jesus for me is a living, beloved +and loving being, who helps and supports me, an exalted, holy being. +Humanity - that is nothing to me, an empty word." + +"Right, Elsje, I readily believe it. But empty words can be filled with +knowledge. There are learned professors to whom the word Jesus or +Christ is entirely hollow or empty. But the word humanity implies for +them a real and well-known thing, the entire human race which in its +development and growth, in its expression and forms of life they have +studied minutely. These professors again would be able to fill the word +Christ with the exalted and tender feelings which it arouses in Elsje, +if they had learned to feel like Elsje. And now it is my personal +opinion with which, so far as I know, I stand quite alone in the world, +that Elsje and the professors, were they to compare one another's +observations, would come to realize that it is precisely the same real +being that fills the word Christ and the word Humanity: the religious +word Christ and the biological, scientific word Humanity." + +"But humanity - that is not a being, not a personality ? that is a lot +of people. People that I don't know. How can I care about them and how +can they care about me?" + +"A tree, Elsje, is a lot of roots, branches and leaves. Yet we call it +a tree. A swarm of bees are a lot of bees, and yet one swarm. You +cannot discern humanity because you cannot see all people at the same +time, and not how they are connected. But I don't believe either that +one leaf can see the whole tree or one bee the whole swarm. + +"But humanity is yet a great deal more than all men together, just as +the tree is more than all the leaves. And humanity is after all +perceived by Elsje in her own heart - all humanity. That is thus much +more even than the professors can discern of it, and why should it not +be a personal, thinking, loving being? It is that, I think, that Elsje +means when she speaks of her exalted Jesus, and it is that I prefer to +call Christ, because I like that name best." + +"I am such a stupid, ignorant creature, and you are so learned. Forgive +me if I still find it somewhat too difficult." + +"Of course, dear Elsje, you find it difficult, because you do not know +what the professors have observed concerning man and the human race. +But really, the professors would find what I said equally difficult and +incomprehensible, because they don't know - at least most of them do +not - what Elsje has observed concerning Christ. Only they would not be +as modest as you are; they would not recognize that it is their +ignorance. And I am no professor and no Elsje, but I stand sort of +between the two and know something of the observations of both, and I +know quite positively and see quite plainly that they both mean the +same thing and that they require each other's knowledge." + +"So you do know my Jesus, my Christ too, thank God!" + +"Yes, though perhaps not as well as Elsje, yet better than the +professors. And I believe that it was this Christ who brought me to +Elsje so that I should learn to know him better, - and perhaps should +better testify of him. And through him too I gained courage and +steadfastness to remain true to Elsje, and not to give up, though the +whole world stand against me." + +Here the woman found good opportunity for bringing the man from his +world of speculation back to practical life. + +"But does not Jesus, or Christ, want you to do it openly, before all +the world?" + +"I don't know ? I don't know, Elsje. His promptings and suggestions as +they proceed clearly from out the original fount are by no means always +equally positive and distinct. But I assure you - I would swear it to +you, had I not vowed once for all never to swear again - that I shall +stop at nothing and spare nothing as soon as his light shall shine +clearly and unmistakably for me." + +"We Mennonites may never swear either," said Elsje, with pretty pride +in her creed, confessed with so little conviction. + +"That is good, that is indeed one of the best things the Bible Jesus is +said to have taught. Therefore it is surely followed least of all. I +not only swear no more - I even dare not promise you anything, for I +know myself too little to foretell my future actions." + +"You do not promise to be true to me?" asked Elsje with mild +disappointment. + +"I do better, I assure you of profound love. So profound that I do +surely believe it will be true. But what would my faithfulness be to +you if love grew weaker? It would become a lie, a feint, wouldn't it?" + +"I shall be thankful for all that I get," said Elsje, "and never ask +for more than you wish to give me." + +I had to laugh when I thought what my acquaintances from the diplomatic +world - friends I do not call them, I never had a friend among them - +what they would say of a gallant adventure with so much theology at the +third meeting. + +But you, dear reader, will probably long have comprehended that I draw +from the same reservoir, what others keep separated in water and +air-tight compartments, and that theology, science, poetry and love to +me are not only brothers and sisters, but often merely names and masks +for one and the same inward reality. So that you will no doubt allow me +to tell yet a few more things that in my amorous theologizing with +Elsje, I learned and taught. + +You will also probably understand without my remarking it that I did +not speak in quite as fluent and succinct Dutch as I have here written +down. But I could make myself understood just as well as if it had been +thus spoken, because Love served as our interpreter. + +XXV + +I will not yet decide whether it was prudent discreation or rather, +fearful and narrow-minded timidity, that deterred me from the great +resolve of abandoning my family and my sphere of activity, to alone +remain true to Elsje. It was for many years a hard and fearful +struggle. It was indeed the hardest period of my life, albeit not the +darkest. The gloom and dejection this most feared evil, marked by the +relaxing of the highest vital spirits, dread warning of the powers that +guide and rule us - this evil had vanished. I struggled and suffered, +but was no longer miserable and wretched. Only I did not see my way +clearly and vainly sought for help and guidance. + +The wicked charms and temptations also were dispelled. I desired one +woman - without faltering, without shame. I knew what my desire +signified, and all my soul pronounced it right. To be sure the demons +still carried on their nocturnal sport, but I minded them no more than +barking terriers, and the wild passions were now tamed because the hand +of the master had grown firm and he knew what he wanted. + +My dreams attained their former sublime splendor, and for the first +time in my life I had some one to whom I could confide them. I still +saw Emmy in my dreams occasionally, but not so often, and it will +surprise no one to hear that it did not excite Elsje's jealousy, and +that she begged me to tell her of her. Elsje also asked me whether I +would call herself once more. And I did it and saw her, and Elsje hoped +devoutly that she would be in some way sensible of it. + +But greatly as I should have desired it, and much more impressive and +more convincing as it would have been for her and for you, dear reader, +the truth is that she never noticed anything of it, or rather, to be +exact, that she never remembered anything about it. + +I for my part did not require such evidence. I have obtained stronger +evidence through strangers, who let me know without my ever having told +them anything about my dreams, that my summons had been heard - but all +this belongs to the science of the supernatural, which awaits more +general investigation and for which, dear reader, I refer you to some +of my other writings. + +I now lived separated from Lucia, although before the world our +relations remained the same. And a most remarkable and peculiar fact is +that Lucia assured me that her dreams were much more tranquil, since I +no longer shared her room. The wild horses that lately had troubled her +in her dreams more than ever, now stayed away. I consider this +remarkable, because it seems to show how corporal proximity also +affects supernatural influences. + +One thing I had fully resolved on, and this was - that I would never +abandon Elsje for good. And as often befalls the man in doubting +attitude, I expected relief from destiny. Should fate threaten to tear +her from me, then I would offer resistance and stay with her, no matter +what the price. Should that which everyone in the diplomatic service +may expect, befall me - sudden transference to another country - I +would then deem the moment arrived to free myself entirely and for +good. I know this attitude too was a weakness, but who does not see +clearly must remain weak, and it is of no avail that he feign strength +and act as though he were quite capable of distinguishing. And with our +human tendency to argue that our own conduct is right, I consoled +myself with the consideration that my children were still too young and +still too much in need of my guidance. + +Often too I prayed in my dreams, imploring counsel and enlightenment. +But my experience is that sign or counsel is never accorded us before +we ourselves have decided or acted, or before the approaching event has +already been determined without our help and knowledge. We are never +helped in a choice, though we are comforted and encouraged after we +have chosen to the best of our knowledge. Many times this seemed cruel +and unreasonable to me, but I am inclined to believe in the beneficent +and salutary significance of it. + +The secrecy toward the world, so much desired by Lucia, soon however +assumed an altogether different, unfavorable and undesirable aspect. My +frequent trips to E------, though explained by my passion for sailing, +could not fail to arouse comment, especially as I usually went alone +and also declined the company of my son Guido, no matter how often he +asked. And E------ is a favorite port for sailing yachts, ten or twelve +of them sometimes landing there at the same time on fine summer days. +Thus my acquaintances from The Hague, the men in the first place, very +soon knew what attracted me to the little seaport. This by no means +aroused any great agitation or indignation in Hague circles, as +everyone acquainted with these and similar circles will readily +understand. + +I was looked upon as a very moral and honorable man, simply because I +did not mix up in scandal and never spoke of things of that kind, +whether they concerned myself or others. It now caused many a one +satisfaction that the halo of chastity which, despite a total absence +of display or moralizing toward others, yet by its mutely reproaching +presence is ever in painful evidence, - that this unpleasantly spotless +reputation was now fittingly and modestly obscured. I was almost +congratulated upon it. No one thought of judging hardly of such a thing +or of pitying Lucia on that account. She, herself, heard nothing of +these rumors and lived in the illusion that everything retained its +former aspect. I believe I was praised - behind my back, of course, not +to my face - because I had had the decency to seek my diversion so far +from the vicinity, and not, as more shameless ones, in The Hague or +Amsterdam. As long as I did not arouse publicity or scandal, I could do +what I wished; these were my private affairs. And Lucia and the +gentlemen of my set seemed to agree in this - that it was worse to +bring publicity upon a woman than to deceive her. The herd only resents +any assault upon the unity of the group - for the rest it permits +everything. + +For me this was a twofold torture. Instead of one deceit I was now +practising two. I was honoring a mock union and I was permitting a true +union to be suspected and profaned. I felt myself locked in an +intolerable fashion between two falsehoods. What as a tender secret I +had wished to hide from the world to spare Lucia, the world had soon +discovered. And yet it spared Lucia and myself, at the cost of this +same tender secret, which it looked upon as an infamy: an infamy of the +kind from which I had just felt with pride that I had freed myself. It +was all equally unbearable to me, the friendly, sarcastic generosity of +the world that spared me and acted as though forgiving me a sin, where +I felt virtue beyond its comprehension; and the condemnation of Elsje, +to which I was now most painfully sensitive, though it went out from +this same unintelligent herd. + +As often as I saw Elsje again, I read in her look of anxious suspense +the question whether I had now at last taken the great resolve. But +only her dear eyes asked, and her pale little face, her lips remained +shut. She did not question me about my family either. She waited until +I should speak. We spoke of our love and of everything that was nearest +our hearts, of the difficulties of life, why we had to toil and +struggle so and bear affliction, of the great world full of men and +what would grow from it, of my dreams, of the best and most beautiful +that we could experience and of the way we could conquer the +difficulties and attain the purest blessedness. And we spoke a great +deal of Christ, groping and seeking in the dawning truths, trying to +help and to understand each other. And at every parting I felt again +that something had remained unspoken, whereof she would yet have heard +so gladly. And never did I leave her without a sense of the blessing +that I had her, and without a heavy heart because I must let her wait +and suffer. + +For she suffered, she suffered as only pure, tender womanly natures +made for love can suffer. And by degrees I could not hide from myself +that she suffered more than she could bear. The power of endurance of a +pure, delicate soul like hers is infinite as long as in the kernel of +her being, in her love life, she is satisfied and contented. But the +sorrow that touches the kernel consumes her both body and soul. + +Remorse is a bad thing, a weakness, a morbid symptom. I permit no +remorse in myself, for I know that it harms and weakens the best that +is in us. But against the self-reproach which is the punishment for +these years of wavering, I struggle in vain. It is always there, like a +dark demon, silently awaiting its favorable opportunity in the third or +fourth hour of the night, when sleep evades me - then it sits upon my +breast and questions and awaits my answer: - why I let her mutely ask +and ask so long and wait for an answer, till the bright eyes sank +deeper into their darker growing hollows, and the red blood had gone +from the fresh cheeks, and the delicate nose became so thin, and the +soft lips so colorless? + +And in my luxurious home everything continued as of old: the children +healthy and happy: Lucia the housewife correct and diligent as ever, +not unfriendly toward me, without sign of spiritual suffering, amiable +and hearty. + +Pardon an old man, dear reader, if he spares himself and does not +expatiate on these anxious years. He is not a friend of tears and does +not like to give in to melancholy. + +One night the end of the struggle was at last proclaimed to me. I +dreamt I was walking in the park at The Hague and saw an old man +sitting with an opened letter in his hand. I comprehended that the +letter was for me and saw my name and title on the envelope too. But +the old man said, "This is not for you!" and I understood that he meant +that I no longer had a title. Then I saw too that it was a large +official document from Rome, and I knew that the long-expected +transferal had come. Thereupon I dreamt that I was fleeing with Elsje +and that I carried her across a great plain of ice. The ice cracked +under my feet and every crack was a snapping spark of bluish fire like +a flash of lightning. This betokened ill, but Elsje was not afraid. + +The letter of which I had dreamed came a few weeks later. But it was +the same. I recognized the envelope. I also knew positively what the +contents would be, and I felt a glorious sense of relief, and a "Thank +God" escaped my lips. + +Lucia had also seen the letter and it now appeared that she had awaited +it with equal longing. Her face was bright. + +I had never wanted to ask the ambassador for transferal, detained by +the thought that I should be deceiving him by doing so, but I had a +suspicion that Lucia was secretly exerting herself in my behalf. She +too expected relief from it, but in another sense. + +"From Rome," she said. "That seems something good to me. Just look, +quickly!" + +"It seems something good to me too," I replied; my hand trembled and my +heart beat. + +"Where?" asked Lucia, the while I read. + +"Stockholm," I replied, "with advancement." + +"Thank Heaven!" said Lucia; "then the wretched story here is ended." + +I looked at her a while severely and gravely, so that her bright look +darkened and a shadow of anxiety fell upon her face. + +"The story here is not ended, Lucia, but has reached a turning point. I +am not going." + +"That's impossible," she cried out; "you can't refuse." + +"No! but I can hand in my resignation." + +"Your resignation - and then??" + +"Remain in Holland." + +"In Holland? And without a salary? Live on my money? And continue this +liaison? No, Vico, that you can't demand of me, that is too much." + +"Lucia, there is something else I want to demand of you." + +"And that is? + +"That you release me. That you allow me to put an end to this +falsehood. The world takes us for man and wife and we are not?" + +"Release you? Don't I grant you as much freedom as I can? And are you +not still the father of my children? The head of the house?" + +"I have a wife, Lucia, who is really my wife and whom I want to make my +wife before the world. I ask you whether you will give me the +opportunity to do this by dissolving our marriage." + +Then her Italian temperament revealed itself in all its intensity. She +spoke with rage and animosity upon her face, and with vehement and +dramatic gestures, as I had never seen her before. + +"Give you opportunity? Opportunity to break what God cannot break? Are +you crazy, Vico? How many women would do what I did - pardon and bear +the deadly offence? Would you now cast me off still further and humble +me yet more? Would you have me give up my rights for an ordinary +bourgeois woman, whom another would long ago have poisoned? Should I +yet abet her and you in the wrong you are doing me and the disgrace you +are bringing upon me and upon my children? - Go, Vico, and don't +provoke me, for I still love you and should be capable of murdering +you. - I have borne this because I pitied you and hoped that you would +soon have enough of it and come back to me. - But now that on top of it +all you do this, now I shall yield nothing more, nothing. A marriage +cannot be dissolved. - Off with you, man, - you are crazy or drunk. +That can be your only excuse." + +"I go, Lucia, - but understand me well, I am going for good. You will +not see me again." + +"Are you going to her? And what shall you live on?" + +"I don't know. Surely not on your money." + +"And the children?" + +"I shall gladly see the children if they will see me. But they won't, +you will surely see to that." + +"I'll see to it. You shan't see them. Poor children!" + +"Be good to them, Lucia, and advise them to get entangled in lies as +little as possible. For some people it is distressing. Others are +better able to cope with it. Good-bye! So we need not hope for a +reconciliation or an agreement between us, need we?" + +"Never! I swear it by God and by my innocent children." + +"I do not swear, but you need not fear that I shall make any further +attempts. I shall demand leave of absence this very day and hand in my +resignation. We shall probably not see each other again. Forgive me if +I have grieved you. I intended no ill." + +A sarcastic laugh - + +"Oh, come! intended no ill! Say that to Satan when you stand before the +everlasting fire. If you want to go, then, go right off too. - And God +have mercy on your soul." + +Then I thought it time to end the torture. I packed up some clothes, +regulated my affairs at the legation and was in E------ that same +afternoon. I had wired: "I am coming for good." And, sobbing and +laughing, Elsje embraced me at the station before the eyes of the +officials. It was the first time in public. + +"There is as much reason for crying as for laughing, Elsje!" said I. "I +haven't brought along much money." + +"Oh, we need so little and I can manage so well. And you are so good +and so clever, you will surely be able to earn money again." + +"And we cannot be lawfully married either. Lucia will never give in to +that." + +"That's nothing," said Elsje, "if only the world may know of it. The +ceremony we can well dispense with. Now you shall see how well I shall +grow, and how strong." + +XXVI + +My mother was still alive and was living in Italy. I wrote her a +letter, earnest and upright, to inform her of what had happened. This +was one of the things I did to establish my position, to make it final, +without myself believing in the success of my action. The answer was +such that I had to hide it from Elsje, and shall also refrain from +repeating it here. There is something awful in seeing persons whom one +has known and loved as tender-hearted human beings grow hard in age. +And for me there was something still more awful in the chief reproach +contained in my mother's letter - that I, her only son, for whom she +would have sacrificed her life, and who should have been the support of +her declining years, now poisoned her life and made her old age lonely +and miserable. Of Elsje she spoke with scornful, malicious contempt, as +of an immoral, shameless monster, a she-devil who had beguiled me with +sensual charms and had wantonly destroyed my domestic happiness. And +this I had to hear from my mother, who so long had been my saint! I +realized that we were lost for one another. + +I had taken lodgings in "de Toelast," from there to regulate my +position as far as was practicable, and to effect the rupture with my +superiors and the entire sphere of my activities as correctly as +possible. + +I had been an active, helpful worker, and what made me popular +everywhere - harmless, impersonal, without any unpleasantly obtrusive +originality in actions or opinions. In the diplomatic world above all, +a vigorous originality is quite intolerable unless it manifest itself +in a ruling personality. And even then this personality must not raise +his aspirations too far above the average of the masses. That is to +say, the aspirations which he manifests in his actions - his private +thoughts may, if he be but a strong ruler, wander where they would, +upward or downward. Just because I was more original in my private +thoughts than any of my compatriots, there was absolutely no +possibility of turning these into aspirations of practical account, and +thus in practice I remained an efficient aid esteemed by all and feared +by none. My sudden breaking away was looked upon as a lapse, and I was +in fact more pitied than scorned. I was said to have fallen prey to an +ambitious, selfish woman, as indeed sometimes happened to the best of +men. + +I received many kindly admonishing and gravely moralizing letters from +my chiefs and from former compatriots. I saw that they did not like to +lose so efficient a power. They even organized noble endeavors for the +saving of the poor drowning man. But I remained obdurate and would not +let myself be saved and even concealed myself from all callers, +faithfully assisted therein by Jan Baars, whose good Dutch qualities +beneath his apparent unpleasantness I learned to respect. Jan Baars was +the touchstone so to speak, the training that taught me to tolerate a +Dutch environment. Without the schooling of Jan Baars I could not have +endured my present life. He was a boor, a dolt, a dirty lout, a +narrow-minded churl, but he did all sorts of kind and generous things. +Once convinced of the fact that my intentions toward Elsje were +honorable, he stood by us through thick and thin, and did not trouble +himself about conventions, nor about gossip, nor about the minister, +nor about the burgomaster, nor about the baker and his customers. And I +have later noticed that a Dutch provincial world is not as dangerous by +far as it is sometimes pictured in novels or comedies. In the beginning +there is a buzz and hum as in a disturbed beehive. But if one goes +ahead quietly and, just as the experienced beekeeper, lays hold with a +firm hand, if one is not afraid and shows that one intends no wrong, +the excitement and asperities subside wondrously quickly and the petty +world tolerates what it contended it could never endure. + +But not knowing this, I had feared a wretched life for Elsje and had +made greater plans. + +"Elsje!" said I, a day after my arrival, "I have wavered so long, not +only because of all we must brave, but also because I did know how this +rupture with my world should increase my usefulness in life. For I have +perhaps achieved something, but under the direction of others, and my +own will I have restrained and suppressed. For I did not have the +qualities and the capacities for making my originality prevail. And I +asked myself, if I now seek my personal happiness with Elsje shall I +thereby be also doing some good to the world? I know, of course, that +Christ calls us through the light of joy, and that we must follow the +highest happiness, the brightest light; but I also knew that we can +never find this for ourselves alone, for the highest happiness is +universal happiness. If personal joy does not in some manner radiate +over the world, it is not the highest, though it be ever so alluring to +us. And I did not see how our happiness would be anything to the world. +On the contrary, I saw only a dark, foul misapprehension that would +arise from it. Do you understand me, Elsje?" + +"I believe I do. But it seems to me it must after all always have a +salutary effect, when people see that some one dares to do what he +considers good and honest, no matter what it costs him." + +"Yes, Elsje, but then people must also see and feel that it is for +something better that he abandons the less good and beautiful. And that +they don't see at all in our case. What impelled me they do not know, +and so they cannot consider it good and beautiful either. They say: +Poor Muralto, he has wrecked his life, he has become the victim of a +woman, he could not restrain his passion, now he throws away his +prospects, his happiness - some will add: his eternal blessedness - for +a love caprice, an amourette. That is nothing new for the world. It +happens frequently. And also that the unhappy sinner moreover deceives +himself, pretending that he acts from noble motives and for a fine and +righteous cause. That too is very common, for no one really sins in his +own eyes, every one takes his follies for wisdom, and man understands +no art better than that of deceiving himself." + +"Poor, dear man!" said Elsje, now for the first time alarmed by the +true realization of the world's attitude toward my act. + +"And the world is usually quite right. It must cast out whoever menaces +the unity of the group. For in this unity is its security, it is +sacred, holy, 'taboo,' as the Polynesians say. And it cannot possibly +investigate each particular case, whether the seceder is perhaps a +faithful follower of Christ, a truly original spirit or simply an +eccentric fool or weakling. That the seceder must himself prove In the +face of the world's condemnation. Do you understand me rightly?" + +"No!" said Elsje, "not quite, I believe. I don't know whether you think +it good to secede or not." + +"That I shall explain to you. Humanity consists of two principal kinds +- of herd-men and seceders. Both, Christ has need of. The herd-men form +the mighty unity through which he lives; it in his great organic body, +whereof the individuals are the cells. The better they cohere, the +stronger, mightier, more beautiful becomes his unity, his judgment, far +exalted above our comprehension. Therefor the union of the groups in +holy and good and every disturbance is met with vigorous resistance. +But Christ is growing. Humanity has not yet attained its perfect growth +and the union is still incomplete, defective. The tree is constantly +developing new branches, bursting through the old bark, sending forth +new shoots. That is the function of the single cells that burst the old +union, forming the kernel of a new, better organization. Our body too +has two principal kinds of cells, the corporal cells that constitute +our organs, and the germinal cells from which new organisms are +developed. The germinal cells in the body of Christ are the seceders, +the original spirits who will no longer tolerate the union of the group +and are directly called and guided by the Genius of Humanity, by +Christ's own voice. But they must then also be men, with great strength +and patience, designed for stern endurance and constant struggle. The +world must hate them and persecute them and if possible annihilate +them. For only those who can withstand this process of persecution and +annihilation are the real, true seceders, elected by Christ and able to +create a new and better union. Therefore it is good to be a herd-man +and to respect the existing union - the existing order as it is called +- if one has the strength for that and nothing more. But it is good to +break this order if one feels oneself very distinctly impelled to it by +the inward light of Christ, by true knowledge, by the firm +consciousness of truth, and moreover knows, knows with absolute +certainty, that one has the power and the abilities for enduring and +struggling, for resisting the inevitable enmity of the world, for +surviving her hatred and persecution, for proving indeed one's good +right to secede and to be original. It is not just to denounce the +world and to glorify the martyrs. Christ does not want martyrs. He +wants conquering triumphant originals. The patience of the martyrs is a +virtue, which he bestows on the originals, his privileged servants, but +a virtue with which to conquer, not to yield. And a virtue which must +not be sought for its own sake, but for the sake of the victory. The +world punishes according to his deserts him, who breaking from the +union has overestimated his power to persevere and to triumph." + +"Thus my dear husband will not be a martyr," said Elsje, as always +practical, and keeping to the point. + +"Not if he can help it. If I came before Christ with only a crown of +thorns, might he not ask them: 'Where is your gospel? And what joy for +my world have you bought with your anguish?' We are dealing with his +goods, Elsje, with Christ's goods; our sorrow is his sorrow, our joy is +his joy and we may not squander anything for nothing. Even the Jesus of +the Bible-drama bought his gospel of joy too dearly. The just price for +his crown of thorns has never yet been paid; the gospel is there, but +the joy has yet to come. Though his kingdom is not of this world, the +joy of that kingdom would also brighten this world, as soon as we could +all believe in it. But no heavenly kingdom of joy shall be built of +material as poor as mortal life to-day still is. I did not want to +yield for nothing, nor do I want to sacrifice Elsje for nothing. +Therefore I wavered so long, for I know how weak I am and how little I +can achieve for Christ. Understand me well, Elsje, I do not want this +just account for myself, but for Christ in whom I live. I am quite +ready to pay with personal sorrow whatever is for the benefit of +Christ. For his good is also my good. But naught for nothing." + +"But you are so strong and you know so much, and there is so much you +can do for the world," said Elsje, with her charming pride. + +"I lack the very things that are most essential to make oneself prevail +as an Original. I have not the qualities of an orator, nor of a poet, +nor of an administrator, nor of an organizer, nor of a composer, nor of +a dramatist. The only things I have are patience, insight and +conviction." + +"But then you can communicate this to others who help you." + +"See, Elsje, before I tore myself away I doubted of this. But now I see +better how Christ works in me. As soon as you take one step in his +direction, though it be in the pitch dark, then he makes the two +following steps clear for you. The great relief in my heart and my +speaking much and freely with you, dear Elsje, has made so much clearer +to me. I believe that I can do something in the world after all. And I +feel that I must attempt it. And though it does not succeed, yet I am +sure that I shall gain something by it that shall be worth fighting and +bleeding for. Will you support me, will you join me, will you venture +what I venture?" + +Then Elsje threw both her arms around me joyfully crying: + +"Oh, my Husband! what would I not venture where you are beside me. +Whither leads our journey and when do we go? I am ready, though it were +to-morrow." + +"It is not to-morrow, but the day after. And our journey leads us +across the great ocean, to the new country, where the new life is +stirring, and foaming, and seething most intensely." + +"To America?" + +"Yes, Elsje; are you willing? We shall escape the evil tongues in +Holland. Evade the painful proximity of my old sphere of life. We shall +not bury ourselves in some remote corner of the earth, but shall stand +in the very midst of the most fiercely burning life, in the most +intensively growing human world. There I can best become aware of what +is to be expected of mankind, best divine what Christ intends with us +and what he expects of me. If I can achieve anything indeed - it is +there. I know it, for I know the country and the people, though I am +not yet quite sure how I shall go about it." + +Elsje looked grave and thoughtful: not appalled or frightened by the +prospect, but as though in a whirl of new overwhelming images. Then she +asked shyly: + +"And in this battle will there still be room and time for a small, +peaceful home? And for a little, tender child?" + +"Why not, Elsje? There too are peaceful dwellings and many tender +little children also are born there. The fighting does not go on +constantly." + +"I shall see that I am ready," said Elsje. And she was, in good time. + +XXVII + +We stood upon the deck of the great trans-Atlantic steamer and our +color-thirsty eyes drank in the rich scene of the cliffs and hills of +Ireland, rising above a calm sea under a sky heavy with rain. Dark +grayish-purple, light gray and white rain clouds to one side, above us +a clear limpid blue, a short fragment of a rainbow rising out of the +light emerald-green sea, and stretching straight across the faded brown +and dull green land with the little white houses, on to the +blackish-gray cloud which flowed out into mist and against which the +bright colors shone dazzlingly. Thousands of white gulls round about +the ship, like a whirling, living snow flurry, glittering in the bright +sunlight and contrasting sharply with the dark background of clouds - +screaming and screeching wildly and ceaselessly. + +"The sign of the covenant," said I, pointing to the rainbow. + +"Do you really believe, Vico, that God gives such signs to men?" + +"What do you mean by 'God,' Elsje?" + +Elsje looked at me with pensive wonder. + +"Do you then only believe in Christ and not in God?" + +"When I employ a word I want it to mean something. After many years of +thought and observation I am beginning to mean something more or less +distinct when I say Christ. Why? Because I have obtained so many signs +of Christ, outward and inward, that I could form a fixed idea from them +- not a picture, not an image, but an idea, what the professors call a +hypothesis, and in which one may believe as every scholar may believe +in his hypothesis, without absolute certainty, but with an +ever-increasing degree of probability, so that one can make predictions +and see them confirmed by experience. This is the faith that poets and +scholars and originals and herd-men are all equally in need of." + +"And does God not give such signs then?" asked Elsie. + +"Patience, child! first come the signs and only then do the conclusions +follow. I behold here a glorious, beneficent and comforting spectacle. +That is a sign. But of what and of whom? Of a higher being than Christ? +Surely. For earth and sun, that made this sign, are more than humanity. +But our inward perceptibility experiences emotions which point to a +supreme Being, the Almighty, who created the sun and the earth and all +the stars, on whom all we know is dependent and to whom all is subject. +No matter what we think we must always arrive at such a Being. It is +impossible not to - whether we call it Nature or God or something else, +or better still give it no name." + +"Yes," said Elsie; "but for me again God, just like Christ, is a +living, feeling, loving being. And Nature, sun, earth - all that is not +living and feeling, is it -?" + +"Dear Elsie, only in the beginning of this century, before the +professors had yet thought out their impossible hypothesis of a dead +matter and a soulless Nature, there was a poet who in a few words set +forth the wisdom which the professors have forgotten and which they +will have to remember again, before we have gone half a century +further. This poet was named Shelley, and when he was not older than +twenty, he wrote: + + +'Of all this varied and eternal world + +Soul is the only element... + +'The moveless pillar of a mountain's weight + +Is active, living spirit. Every grain + +Is sentient both in unity and part, + +And the minutest atom comprehends + +A world of loves and hatreds.' + + +"Remember these words well, Elsie, I will repeat them once more and +translate them for you." + +And I did so, for Elsie's knowledge of English consisted only in what +she had learned from me. Then I continued: "These words issued from the +strongest and most magnificent original spirit the world has brought +forth since the poet of the Jesus-Drama, and every child ought to learn +them, more necessarily than the multiplication table or the Lord's +prayer. The world has called their maker an Atheist, just as did +Spinoza. But all modern natural science can be brought back to God, +that is to the truth, only by these words." + +"Then is this glorious spectacle a living sign of the earth and the +sun?" Elsje asked. + +"Of course!" said I; "but it shall yet be long before we comprehend +such an outward sign. All we understand of it is: splendor, beauty, +sublimity. These are also the characteristics of all that is divine. +But their nearer relations to our inner emotions of love and joy - +these we do not comprehend." + +"And God?" asked my wife. + +"All the outward signs I have seen point to the operation of limited, +imperfect beings or deities - as humanity, the plants and animals, the +celestial bodies. But these all seem to work in a power that is fixed +and unchangeable. The signs thereof are what the scholars call 'Laws of +Nature,' as the force of gravitation and all chemical and physical +laws. These alone can be signs of life of the Almighty. And still we +are not sure that they issue from the supreme Power. + +"Our inner consciousness tells us that the supreme Life cannot be +finite, temporal. But the sensible signs of the supreme Life according +to our faulty perception are temporal and point to an end. The Universe +that we perceive is not a perpetuum mobile. The laws of motion that we +know all come to a standstill. As the scholars put it: there is +increasing entropy and there are irreversible processes. This does not +satisfy our inward consciousness of the supreme Life. It must be a +local, temporally restricted condition. We know irrefutably that the +highest Life is more, and we shall also discover the perceptible signs +of it." + +Beside us stood the second-class passengers of a large emigrant +steamer, gazing across the bulwark toward the last land of Europe, and +vainly trying to catch something of our conversation carried on in low +tones and in a language strange to them. Small, dark, Slavonic women, +with gaily-colored scarfs around their heads and children in their +arms; Poles in shabby coats and astrakhan caps; tall blond +Scandinavians, square-jawed, cool-blooded and patient; short, sturdy +Italians with felt hats and gay cravats; a handful of pale-brown +Siamese jugglers or gymnasts with flat gold-embroidered caps on, and +tired, listless faces, melancholy and pallid from cold and seasickness. +And amid this dirty chattering human assemblage, devouring nuts and +oranges, sometimes making music and gaming, all half dulled and +frightened by the usual fierce and anxious battle of life they had gone +through and with the vague expectation of future wealth and pleasure in +their eyes - amid these I saw my sweet, delicate wife with her eyes, +now dark-rimmed but shining with joyous fervor, and her pale, delicate +features - and amid the singing, eating, chattering and gaming our +subtle quiet conversation grew like a strange exotic plant amid rubbish. + +But Elsje put to shame my false pride and gladly and helpfully busied +herself with this little troop of humanity blown together from all the +quarters of the globe, making herself understood and loved in all sorts +of ways in the overflowing joy of her new life. + +I myself was not very cheerful, but more often profoundly grave and +sad, though with that rich and gentle melancholy that leads to sublime +thought. Above all the memory of my children could make me deeply +dejected and silent for hours. When I imagined that they would fall +ill, or that they cried because of my absence, it was as though my +inmost heart was torn, or strange hands were wringing the entrails of +my soul. I had heard nothing of them before my departure with the +exception of one brief, comforting word from my second daughter, the +third in age of my children, a shrinking, gentle girl of sixteen. She +wrote in Italian: + + +"My dear father, I don't know why you have gone away, and I dare not +ask mother or the others about it, for they don't quite understand and +take it amiss and won't speak of you. But I will think that it had to +be and say that I am not angry. You had better not answer, for that +would annoy mother. + +Your loving little daughter, + +Emilia." + + +This letter also made my grief vent itself in tears; they were not +tears of remorse, however, but of an unavoidable mournfulness. At such +moments Elsje respected my feelings with a sacred veneration for which +I was unutterably grateful to her. She felt that in this she could not +heal or comfort. + +The first stormy days in the European waters were the wont. Then I was +painfully sensible of my poverty because it compelled me to let Elsje +live in the midst of these often unclean and unmannerly people, in the +close steamer atmosphere surrounded by sick people, in the sleeping +quarters separated only by curtains, with the primitive washing +accommodations and the lack of everything that I would so gladly have +given her - beauty, cleanliness, comfort. But Elsje did not complain +and adapted herself to the circumstances with bright inventiveness and +good humor. + +At last came the warm, dark, transparent, deep violet-blue waters of +the Gulf Stream and the sun began to shine refreshingly and the +light-hearted folk made music and danced on the deck. Then for us too +it became more endurable and we sat for hours hand in hand gazing at +the glorious play of colors on the waves, blue-black, seething +light-blue, and foaming snowy-white. From time to time we spoke of the +great things that always occupied our thoughts. For we felt that in +these great things alone could lie our justification and our peace of +mind. + +"Dear man, you have taught me much that is comforting and true," said +Elsje; "but yet it sometimes seems as though you had made God very +distant and inaccessible for me. This beautiful, wicked, awful sea - a +thinking, feeling being is already terrifying in its profound +incomprehensiveness. And then, moreover - the sun and the stars!" + +"Still it is good, Elsje, not to wish to hide the truth, even though it +is oppressing. Inwardly God remains just as near. There is no further +or nearer there. And Christ I have really brought nearer to you, +haven't I?" + +"Yes, but also robbed him of his perfection." + +"True, and therefore made him dearer, more intimate and real. When we +are children we consider our father and mother perfect. Thereby we +wrong them. Later we see that they do indeed stand above us, but that +they have faults too. And then when we can love them, faults and all, +then they are most truly our beloved and trusted confidants. It is a +stupid, childish tendency always to expect and to demand perfection in +all that is above us. The Bible-Jesus spoke truly when he said that +there was but one perfect Goodness. I will add that there is but one I +and one Memory. And only then will man be able to follow Christ to the +pure blessedness, when he learns to feel that there may be +incomprehensible sublimity, loftiness and superiority without +perfection: that there may also be faults in the power that has created +him and in which he lives: that there are yet an infinite number of +higher beings, all above him, and powerful and wise and lofty far +beyond his comprehension, and yet all of them humble and faulty and +weak in the power of a Most-Sublime, who is equally near to all and +penetrates all with equal profoundness." + +XXVIII + +I do not propose to give you dramatic surprises, dear reader, and you +must not look for thrilling excitement in the story of my life. Elsje's +parentage has always remained unknown to me and the pretty motive for a +romance of the foundling is left unused. For that sort of thing you +have your well-stocked public libraries and Mr. Conan Doyle and his +colleagues. + +So I will rather tell you directly that my trip to America resulted in +what everyone, and I myself too at first, considered a complete failure. + +But I wish to make you distinctly realize that man may fare as the +soldier, who, ordered to maintain a position without knowing that the +position is untenable, faithfully perseveres in his charge, though +aware that the endeavor is a hopeless failure - later to learn that his +perseverance and his failure were foreseen in the great plan of the +general and have helped to bring about the victory and peace. + +It is possible that, even though it seemed otherwise, my efforts were +after all beneficial and fruitful, that I sowed seeds that are still in +a state of germination and only long after I am gone will shoot up as +plants. I do not know this and I need not trouble about it. I have +carried out the order, as I understood it, to the best of my abilities. +But I do know what I have gained in new knowledge and understanding. +And this has made me so rich that I regret none of my sacrifices and +repent none of my actions. And this alone also lets me find peace and +contentment in this quiet lonely life, because here I can write down +what has enchanted and stirred me go strongly, and the assurance never +forsakes me that my words shall find their way and, like a mighty +ferment, work on in the heads of those who as you, dear reader, have +experienced the painful blessing of originality, and know what it is to +live in immediate contact with Christ, the Genitive Spirit of humanity. + +Through all the dark confusion of my vain efforts and painful +experiences, through the continued terrible anguish of mankind, ever +increasing and void of beauty and sublimity, one light shone out with +an ever steadier and brighter glow the wonder of the true marriage. + +This is so difficult to describe, because every one professes to know +it and to respect it, and insincere eloquence and insincere enthusiasm +have poured themselves out over it in riotous streams. So that one +scruples to employ any word wherewith to indicate the true wonder, +because all words have been polluted and defiled through a horrible +misuse. + +The true wonder is so great that the man of original spirit who has +found it would, if he had the power, not hesitate for a moment to +destroy all domestic happiness and domestic peace among the great human +herd, as long as these rest only on a conventional imitation, a +miserable substitute, of the true glory. I have lived in what to all +the world seemed a happy union. I have endured the terrible anguish of +a violent rupture of firmly-knit bonds of attachment and affection - +but how insignificant is all this, how sorry this apparent happiness, +how slight the anguish compared to the mighty and transcendent things +that were gained - the perfect tenderness, the real intimacy of true +conjugal love, the complete melting into one of two cells in the great +body of humanity. + +I have good reason to believe that most marriages - oh! by far the most +- are of inferior quality and falser than my own false union. And also +that in this matter with most men - oh! by far the most - the elemental +susceptibility to true conjugal happiness is still inborn, that even +the weakest conventionalist and herd-man would in this respect turn +back to this deep elemental instinct, if he were left free to do so - +that with the majority Christ herein still works directly and +immediately, because it is the most deep seated, most absorbing passion +with which he has equipped us. + +And even with a clear vision of the ocean of grief, confusion and +disaster that would arise were the herd to apply itself to follow the +lead of the Originals and in fanatic zeal break all untrue bonds - even +with this appalling knowledge I would not hesitate to lead them on to +such a crusade against the matrimonial lie, since I know the glory and +the riches of the promised land to be regained. Many would perish on +the road and pine away, many would be trampled on and perhaps curse my +name and denounce what they had began; but the prize is worth the +sacrifice. + +Marriage is without doubt one of the most sacred human institutions, +but only sacred through inward truth, and no civic formula or churchly +ritual can make it sacred if the inward truth is wanting in it. And +better a thousand dissolved and broken false marriages than one true +marriage prevented or one untrue one with the semblance of sincerity +and sacredness upheld. + +But Christ is yet in distress and anguish. He is yet in the throes of +birth, in the pains of growth. Our world is as my brother Hebbel said: +a wound of God. But as I add: a healing wound; therefore not less +painful. And what distinguishes the true marriage from the untrue is +this very quality of pain. Never did I suffer through Lucia what I +suffered through Elsje. In the apparent happiness there is contentment +and complacency, in the real an everlasting gnawing and torturing +longing, a desire for more, more - the desire to express oneself more +fully, the desire to be more closely united, to be bound together more +firmly, more indissolubly, more everlastingly. Elsje and I were +constantly tormented by our powerlessness to express to one another the +depth of our emotion, by our anxiety for each other's welfare and +happiness, by our uncertainty in regard to what life and death would +bring us, by our wish never to be parted and to experience constantly +the blessing of each other's company. + +Even when, in the serenest, most peaceful moments, I sat by her side +gazing at her with devout attention so that Moricke's words arose in me: + + +"Wenn ich von deinem Anschaun tief gestillt + +Mich ganz mit deinem heil'gen Werth begnüge?" + + +even then there was a mysterious, tender quality of pain in my love, +independent of all the considerations and cares concerning present and +future - like a gentle, never wholly dying echo of the great world +sorrow. And through this I knew that our love-life was one with the +great love-life of Christ. By the tang of pain in our cup of life I +recognized the water from the world-stream. + +I had worked out no definitely elaborated plan for my campaign in the +new land, amongst the new people. I had a few thousand guilders that +belonged to me and a few hundred from Elsje. We had selected the +cheapest travelling accommodations and would live very simply. I hoped +to have enough for us to live on until I should have found a means of +subsistence and a field for my labors. I had plenty of acquaintances in +the most distinguished circles, but I knew how little I could count on +them. Yet I had to try to find among them the few that were susceptive +to original thoughts and had the ability to turn them into deeds. + +I argued thus: that all individuals live in an invincible group-union +of morals, customs, traditions and institutions, which originated +wholly beyond their reasonable will and which are mostly in conflict +with their own deeper convictions. That they live thus is the result of +their nature and character as group-creatures. They cannot do otherwise +and may not do otherwise. No individual can live apart, he must have a +group or grouplet, no matter how small, whose ideas, customs and morals +he shares. It is absolutely vain and useless to wish to draw him from +this union by logical, sensible arguments. Though logically he can find +nothing to say against such arguments, though the system in which he +lives conflicts wholly with his original disposition, he must continue +in it, because otherwise he would run wild, and he will sooner twist +and falsify his ideas and feelings completely than be disobedient to +the voice of the herd in which be finds his conditions of life. + +But these group-ideas and these group-formations are continually +changing. Not through the influence of the mass, the herd, which may +not judge independently, because otherwise no union would be possible. +The strength of the group depends on the obedience of the members to +the voice of the herd. Did the members think and act independently, +they could not subsist as a group. + +But the group-formation is changed through the influence of some few +individuals, original enough to understand humanity's own voice, the +voice of Christ, and powerful enough to make themselves followed by the +herd. And the influence of these few shall be the stronger, the closer +their original ideas stand to the ideas of the group. All the members +of the group feel something of the Original element, of the Genius of +humanity, they are all still bound to our Genitive Spirit, though not +nearly as closely and as fervently as the few originals. If now the +original individual is all too original, the herd does not follow, but +hates and destroys him. That is the martyr the man who is "in advance +of his age." + +But if the originality of the single individual is felt by the herd, +then it follows and respects and reveres him, and later it erects +statues in his honor and eulogizes him. And all the more if the seceder +possesses a personally suggestive power, and impresses people by the +display of some one amazing talent - organizing, dramatic or musical. +Meanwhile this leader and example has done nothing more than bring the +outer organization more in unison with the inner life of humanity, +Christ's own being. + +This consideration led me to seek for a man sufficiently intelligent +and independent to absorb my thoughts, and yet in his inclinations and +feelings standing so much nearer than I to the herd, that he could +exert an influence. Moreover, some one with the prestige lent by some +extraordinary quality or other - as learnedness, or still better, +organizing talent - and with the ability, the aplomb, the ruling power +which the herd tolerates and demands. Thus a mediator between me, the +all too original and practically unqualified, for whom an attempt to +make himself prevail would signify a useless martyrdom, and the herd, +that in its unoriginality is yet so greatly in need of the stirring +ferment of my ideas. + +Before we neared the American shores I had made my choice from the +persons that had come to my mind as qualified for my purpose. I shall +call the man Judge Elkinson, concealing his real name, as he is still +in the public eye. He had been governor of his state and at my arrival +was a member of the Supreme Court, the highest tribunal in the United +States, sovereign in its judgments and only admitting to membership the +most trusted and esteemed men of this mighty realm. + + +- - - + + +It was a clear, cold, bright day when we steamed up the Hudson and saw +the white building masses of the giant city rising from the centre of +the wide, grayish-yellow stream. A strong icy wind was blowing from the +blue sky, and the valiant little tug-boats rocking on the turbulent +waters and amid shrill whistles running quickly in and out among the +great ships, like sea-monsters hunting for prey, were covered with a +solid coating of ice from the splashing water. + +Upon the elongated island protruding into the wide mouth of the river +stretched the mighty city, a densely packed conglomeration of houses +piled up toward the sea, block upon block, so that the tall masses of +masonry at the point of the island appeared to be heaped up one upon +the other like pack-ice. There where the blocks were the highest and +stood facing each other like giant building-blocks set on end, there +was Wall Street, the centre of activity, where the stony growth seemed +as though spurred on by the restless stir, the yet unregulated and +uncomprehended instinct of accumulation. + +As we drew nearer we saw the delicate, fresh colors, the soft reds and +creamy whites of the buildings in the clear, smokeless atmosphere, the +white exhausts of the beating systems, standing out like little white +flags against the light blue sky, and the myriad dark, twinkling eyes +of the houses, row upon row, severe, square, strong, firm and light +with a myriad grave, fixed questioning glances reviewing the new +arrivals from across the sea, who streamed from all the quarters of the +globe to this land of future promise and expectation. + +Then followed the confusing and confounding impressions of the landing, +where the great nation, compelled by experience, seems to guard itself +against the instreaming invasion of undesired elements, and +investigates and selects with humiliating, apparently heartless +strictness, as though we were animals to be examined. + +Elsje's smile and cheerful endurance alleviated for me the bitterness +of standing in the long line for examination, ordered about by the +gruff officials - I, the proud aristocrat, who had never come here +otherwise than surrounded by luxury, and treated with distinction as an +honored guest. + +When we were finally released and found ourselves in the noise and +tumult of that tremendous life, where the selfish seeking of the few is +by a secret and uncomprehended power forced together into a mysterious +and curious order, - as out of the seemingly aimless and orderless +agitation of ants or bees one sees a well-planned structure arise, - +amid the rattling of the trucks, the shuffling of thousands of feet +upon the worn and ill-kept pavement, the ceaseless thunder of the +elevated trains running between the graceless buildings and signs, +designed solely for doing business or attracting attention, in this so +preeminently incomplete, imperfect, half-barbarous and half-polished +world, I saw my dear, delicate wife, overwhelmed and confounded, cling +to me as though she sought everything that still attracted her to the +world with me, powerless to find it in this tumult of life. + +I did not remain in the city a day, knowing everything that here preys +upon the inexperienced arrival, but went directly to one of those +vaguely scattered villages in the immediate vicinity of the town, where +spots of nature, still wild or again run wild, can be found in the +midst of the remote, neglected precincts of a quickly and carelessly +growing human colony. There in the woody, rocky territory little, +dingy, wooden houses are to be found, built of unsightly boards, +outwardly no better than sheds or barns, as though put up temporarily +by people who would probably move on further soon - houses that one may +occupy for comparatively little money. + +It did not look inviting for a woman accustomed to the choice solidity +of a Dutch house, and the well-sustained intimacy of a Dutch landscape, +where man and nature through long-continued symbiosis have grown +together in a harmonious union. + +Everywhere all through the woods were tumbledown houses, heaps of +rubbish, crockery, old iron and dirt, trees chopped down and left to +rot, burnt underbrush, annoying signs of the proximity of a heedless, +careless, prodigal human world. And close by, between long rows of +signboards, monstrously drawn and painted in glaring colors, rushed the +trains, besmirching everything with their smoke. + +But after all it was a home, and with all the energy that the long +years of suffering had left in her, Elsje joyously began to turn the +dear illusion of these years of pining and waiting into reality. + +And when the humble dwelling had been made somewhat habitable, when +there was a pantry stocked with provisions, an extremely fresh and +spotlessly-kept bedroom, a table with a cover upon which the kerosene +lamp threw its circle of light at night, so that I could sit and read +the paper while Elsje sewed and mended busily, her head full of +tenderly solicitous domestic thoughts, and when to the great +satisfaction of the housewife a young negro girl had been found who +came daily to help a few hours, thereby giving to the household, +according to Dutch ideas, a necessary air of completeness - then I saw +upon Elsje's wan countenance and in her clear, dark-ringed eyes a light +that shone out above all gloomy memories or sad forebodings. + +Only then I saw her faithful, loving nature in its perfect radiant +glory, but also, alas! with the distressing realization of its +frailness. + +XXIX + +The so universally-recognized type of human excellence indicated by the +term "gentleman," cannot go hand in hand with true originality that +makes itself prevail. For one of the chief characteristics of the +gentleman is the respect for group ideas, the obedience to the voice of +the herd; while the characteristic quality of the Original is precisely +his breaking away from the group union, his reversing of ideas, his +making himself obeyed instead of obeying. + +The seceder who is not able to change the ideas of the group and to +make the herd follow, is annihilated and deserves annihilation. In the +human economy he is only harmful and his existence is unwarranted. + +The gentleman on the contrary has a pre-eminently useful and important +function. He is that member of the group who without separating from +the union retains most of the original element. He combines the highest +possible originality with the strictest subordination to the group +nature, which only very few exceptional natures can defy with impunity. +He changes nothing, but he inclines toward the original, thus making +the entire herd more adaptable to change, while be lacks the +ever-dangerous tendency of the originals to break loose, and keeps +alive in the herd the lofty, indispensable virtue of respecting and +upholding the sacredness of the union. + +The more the group ideas diverge from the elemental ideas of human +nature, the rarer the type of "gentleman" becomes in the group. And so +my little brother Shaw's lament that the true English gentleman has +become extinct is comprehensible, as in the entire tremendous herd of +the nations of West-European or Anglo-Saxon civilization, ideas are +current which every original immediately recognizes as conflicting with +the nature of humanity, as hostile to Christ. + +The term "un-Christian" is with just consistency applied to them. +Un-Christian means the enriching oneself at the cost of others, the +enriching oneself by means of craft, the enriching oneself without +bound or measure. In many groups of ancient times these things were not +lawful. But the great herd of the nations calling themselves Christian, +include these so unmistakably un-Christian actions among the lawful, +even honorable and generally admitted. And this moreover in the very +worst form. It is one of the group-ideas of the great herd, that +without oneself doing any work, one may enrich oneself unrestrictedly, +by means of craft, at the expense of the very poorest. Only the +unprecedented magnitude of the herd and its unparalleled firm coherence +made so great a deviation from Primal Reason conceivable and possible. + +The type of "gentleman" has changed, however, and grown rarer in this +process. It is well-nigh impossible to preserve one's originality +without separating from the union of the group, or without, as the +socialists and anarchists, forming new groups that stand hostile to the +great herd. The respecting of group-ideas and at the same time +preserving one's original human feelings, demands a forcing and +straining of truth that only few sagacious and honest people succeed in. + +Judge Elkinson still represented the fast disappearing type of +gentleman, and I knew that for him this was possible through an +extraordinary suppleness of mind, fineness of tact and feeling, and a +philosophic broadness of view. + +Honest in the strict sense of the word, with naïve uprightness - that +he could not be any more than any other faithful member of the herd, +with some astuteness. But he was at least capable of giving everyone +the impression that he always desired to be honest. He forgave himself +the necessary distortion demanded by the group union, as the humane +physician does not charge himself with the lies he tells for the good +of his patients. He also comprehended the relativeness of words, the +vagueness of conceptions, the faultiness of all communion, but was +nevertheless not so broad-minded that he found extenuating +circumstances everywhere and for everyone. His great power lay in his +demand for fixedness of opinion. Growth and development were thereby +excluded, but he sacrificed these, for the sake of the support so +necessary to the herd, that positiveness and regularity afford. + +One could depend on him absolutely; he was called "a man of character" +and thereby exercised the most beneficial influence at the cost of +personal development, actuated as it were by unconscious love, by a +preservative instinct for the masses. His moral code was as broad as +the group-ideas allowed, but beyond that point - immutable. He +maintained it with the same sacred respect which as judge he demanded +for the law, though his philosophic reason told him that neither could +by any means exclude injustice. He called a rogue a rogue, though he +realized that complete comprehension means complete forgiveness; he +considered an anarchist an enemy to mankind, a harmful monster, even +though he had to admit that the anarchistic criticism of society was +well founded. + +If the group-ideas and the group-union of those calling themselves +socialists, had not been so wretchedly vague, confused and based on +pseudo-science and hollow rhetoric, he would perhaps have joined that +brotherhood. For he had the full measure of American courage and +resolution. And he would have represented the "gentleman" in that +confederacy just as well as in the old union. But, as every +"gentleman," he had the intuitive dislike of bad company, the natural +and wholesome aristocracy that makes one shun a group if it is +represented by inferior people. And in the socialist herd he saw +nothing much better than uncultured followers driven by fanatic +leaders, a very sorry realization of the Originals who had brought +about the movement. Moreover the union of this group was so weak, so +entirely based upon the negative, so badly formulated, that it was +impossible for him to transfer to it his natural respect for the union. + +With this man, then, I considered that I might try my luck. He had +grown very rich by clever, but according to group-ideas perfectly +lawful money transactions, as commissioner of all sorts of large +undertakings, and he had a fine mansion in Washington and in New York. +Toward me he would, as a philosopher, sometimes jokingly excuse his +wealth, referring in this connection to the example of Seneca the sage. + +I called on him as soon as I knew he was in New York, and was received +most cordially. + +Elkinson had a large, bony head upon a lean, muscular body. He was not +yet sixty, and his clean-shaven face was of a youthfully fresh and +ruddy complexion. His hair was snow-white, but still thick and full, +parted in the middle and trimly cut. His strongly-pronounced jawbones, +large teeth and firm chin, lent him an expression of will-power and +energy; the thin-lipped large mouth and the clear, gray, steady eyes +commanded respect and marked the man who would not let himself be +imposed upon or put out of countenance; his eyes twinkled at the +slightest occasion with an expression of subtle roguishness, evidence +of the general American inclination for jesting and joking. + +"It is very kind of you, my dear Count Muralto, very kind indeed to +look me up again. Have you been assigned to the post at Washington +again? And how are the countess and the children?" + +"Don't bother about using my title, Mr. Elkinson. It must be +distressing to your democratic spirit." + +The mocking eyes twinkled as though they enjoyed my sally. + +"On the contrary! on the contrary! - that is atavism! It does us good. +We are above such things, to be sure, but just as eager to do them as a +worthy professor to sing the college songs at a reunion." + +"Then I regret that I must deprive you of this pleasure. I am no longer +a count and intend to become a citizen of your republic." + +"What is that you tell me? Well, well, well! that is a remarkable +decision." + +"Your enthusiasm is not as hearty as one should expect of a true +American. I believe you think that something is lost by this +transaction after all." + +"Perhaps I do! - Italian counts are rarer than American citizens. With +these titles it's the same as with sailing vessels and feudal castles. +They are unpractical and out of date. And yet it is a pity to see one +after another disappearing." + +"Would you put me into a museum and have the state support me?" + +"No! No! - we are glad to make use of such excellent working powers. We +need men like you. And what does madame say to it?" + +"Contessa Muralto remains Contessa Muralto. I have broken completely +with her and with my old life. I wish to make my position clear to you. +I have come here as an emigrant, poor, and accompanied by a woman who +is my true wife, but can never be lawfully recognized as such." + +"H'm! H'm! - that is grave, very grave," said Judge Elkinson. The +roguish twinkle in his eyes vanished and he assumed the severe, +inexorable expression of the judge. + +Then, as simply as possible and with the trusting uprightness that +would make the strongest appeal to his kind heart, I recounted the +vicissitudes of my lot. Mutely he listened to my story, obviously +interested and touched, wondering what to make of this cage. + +"And now?" he finally asked. "What do you expect now? I know that a +deep sensibility to what we here call the tender passion is one of your +national characteristics. But after all you are no longer a boy, and +you have enough sense and experience of life to know that your present +position does not offer you much chance of success, not even in this +country." + +"I do not expect or desire success in the American sense of the word. A +frugal, existence is all I want. I shall endeavor to obtain that. By +giving lessons, for example." + +"And had you hoped to be in any degree supported by me in that +direction?" asked the careful and practical American. + +"No! - I did not come to you for that. I have not the slightest +intention of burdening my old acquaintances by presuming on our former +relations." + +"Good!" said Elkinson honestly. + +"I know them too well for that," said I, perhaps a bit scornfully. + +"You know what it would signify for them, don't you? You can easily put +yourself in their position. You defy public opinion for the sake of a +woman, but you can't expect that your former friends should do it for +your sake." + +"If I had thought that they were friends, I should perhaps expect it. +But I know that they are not friends, only acquaintances, and I demand +nothing of them." + +The judge looked at me a while, not without kindliness. He seemed to +feel a certain respect for my stoicism. + +"Good!" he said again. "But what can I do for you then? What is your +object in calling on me?" + +"To make you happier than you are." + +"That is indeed very generous. For after all I did not get the +impression that I was the unhappier of us two. And if you would have me +continue to believe in your mental balance, you must give me a more +plausible reason." + +"Is it so unlikely that I should increase my own happiness by means of +yours?" + +"Aha! Of what kind of happiness are we talking?" + +"Of the most desirable, that can alone be attained by straining all our +energies to their utmost capacity, their utmost efficiency." + +"Ho capito! - accord! - now for the explanation. What slumbering +qualities in me would you rouse to action?" + +"Your qualities as a leader of men. The qualities that I lack." + +"And which in yourself then?" + +"Those of the thinker. Of the original thinker." + +Elkinson glanced at me with a look, sharp, cold and penetrating as a +dissecting-knife. He thought he understood what it was that he had to +deal with. + +"A system?" he asked gruffly. + +"On the contrary - the release from a system. The shattering of +inhuman, un-Christian morals. The breaking through a wall of horrible +institutions." + +"Which?" + +"First of all, that which everyone condemns and everyone nevertheless +maintains - the remuneration of the rich simply because he is rich, +even though he does nothing to deserve remuneration. The morally and +lawfully tolerated unlimited squandering of the products of common +labor by irresponsible persons. The exploiting of the weaker, approved +and even accounted honorable, without control, by means of craft, +through the agency of countless middle men. The tenant-farmer, the +laborer; the property owner, the tenant-farmer. The manufactory, the +factory hands; the share-holder, the manufacturer. The landlord, the +lessee; the lessee, the sub-lessee; the sub-lessee, the lodger. The +speculator again exploits all the others, while the waster of finance +exploits the speculator, and thus ad infinitum. The system, in one +word, of mutual ruthless exploitation and of irresponsible, no less +ruthless, squandering. A system in which what each holds in view as the +crowning ideal is to do nothing himself, to squander without measure or +care, and to have as many as possible work for his own personal profit, +without asking who they are and how they live. A system that slowly but +surely must demoralize and impoverish every nation to the core, even +the richest and the strongest. A system that gives peace to none and +can bring none to the highest possible grade of development and +happiness. A system by which at least ninety per cent of the national +wealth is lost without a trace. A system under which no art, no +science, no higher element in man can attain to perfect bloom. A system +that is further removed from the original desires and sentiments of +humanity than any other that has ever been maintained by large masses +of men - a system that no one with any consideration can approve or +wish to preserve, that is only maintained because we know or believe in +nothing better, and that is doomed to disappear because of its suicidal +character. A system that can only be declared lasting and necessary by +him who thinks that men are not capable of education and development +and, with open eyes, shall ever seek their own ruin." + +Elkinson remained silent a while after I had finished speaking. The +expression in his eyes was serener now. + +"As a criticism nothing new," he said, nodding his head. "But what new +remedy do you propose? - Government aid?" + +"First morals, then laws," said I; "no Government initiative; perhaps, +if necessary, Government assistance. Begin with the most powerful +public opinion, the group instinct." + +"And how? - orations? - pamphlets? - meetings? and addresses? - That +seems to me nothing exactly new either, nor has it proved effectual. Is +one deformity like the social democracy not enough?" + +"More than enough. The dead child with two heads has itself made its +own name impossible. Use that name no more, for the mother who has +borne the child is ashamed of it and will hear of it no more. Give the +potion another label and another color if you would make men take it, +or better, give it no color. And talk as little as possible, but do, +act, carry out. Make of the deed your shepherd's staff and of facts +your milestones and your guideposts. Let your shepherd dog not bark, +but bite, and see to it that the flock find something to graze on." + +"Clearer! clearer! - no Eastern metaphors, American facts." + +"Very well! Judge Elkinson is acquainted with the psychology of the +mass and he knows the individuals of which it is composed. He has +governed a state, organized and conducted commercial undertakings, +instituted laws and seen them carried out. He knows thousands of +individuals, their worth and their abilities. He enjoys the universal +confidence, and possesses great influence. His name alone guarantees +the help of thousands, and of the very best moreover. Let him form a +group, with better group-ideas, with better group-ethics, better +morals, better customs, and higher standards of right and wrong, good +and evil, than the group in which he now lives and works." + +"Clearer still and more concrete if you please. How do you imagine the +beginning?" + +"As every group began always. As every business man forms his business, +every general his army. Select a staff of the most capable and tell +them what is essential for them to know. Formulate the plan so that in +the course marked out the chief idea cannot be missed, without +frightening off any one of the great herd by peculiar, unusual or +doubtful terms, theories or visions of the future. And then organize, +practically, systematically, always aiming directly at the concrete +reality without troubling yourself in the least about abstractions. And +see that your herd is fed and sheltered and stabled as quickly as +possible, and that it find gratification of its instincts in the course +once marked out. And on the way - heed it well, on the way, not +beforehand - teach them to comprehend the object of the fight and what +they shall gain. Teach them first to follow and to find gratification +in following, and then they will gradually go of their own accord, if +it agrees with them, and be less and less in need of guidance. Promise +as little as possible, but show and prove by the result, and predict +nothing that you cannot immediately prove." + +"Thus a non-political organization? An ethical corporation?" + +"A business proposition, judge, a business proposition. But a great and +holy business. A business for making money, for accumulating as much +and as quickly as possible. The herd must eat, must have a good time, +must have abundance and must have its future assured. What kind of +business is indifferent. Every kind that is possible. If the group only +learns that it can obtain enough and much more even than before - much +greater wealth and much more happiness and content - by no longer +pilfering one another and squandering, but by intelligent mutual +agreement and by restriction of personal boundless liberty for the sake +of the whole common welfare." + +"And your own part in this affair? How do you imagine that?" + +"As the part of a match at a forest fire. For myself full of profound +satisfaction, for the outer world absolutely obscure. I shall come to +talk with you now and then. Judge Elkinson is the man, the benefactor +of his people, the liberator of mankind." + +"And for you - nothing? No money, no glory, no honor?" + +"This disinterestedness seems incredible to you. But it is a natural +outcome of our different functions. Every different function involves +different passions and desires. Practical work involves a love of glory +and honor. We are so organized that we find enjoyment only in what our +own peculiar endowment can yield. A very sensible organization which +you may take as an example. My work is contemplative, speculative and +affords enjoyment through the satisfaction of correct discoveries and +clear vision. In practical life I am unhappy, with money, honor, glory +and all. But you, Judge Elkinson, have need of me for this very +quality. Humanity must not only act organizedly but also think +organizedly. No greater folly than to imagine that the safe way for the +herd shall be found by its own blind instinct, or that as a mass it can +itself think out what it must do. No greater nonsense than the work of +these sages who sling a few formulas at the masses, and then, with the +aid of these uncomprehended and incorrectly interpreted terms and +abstractions, would let them find the way alone. Humanity would and +must think, and advance by the light of contemplation and reflection, +but it must think organizedly, so that each in this great thinking +process exercises his own peculiar function - the scholar, the +business-man, the statesman, the artist, the poet. And only when this +organization for the good of all is completed, is there a chance that +every member of the herd will participate more and more in the thinking +functions, and thus also in the delights of the others, that we obtain +a world of free men and majors, a truly mature and full-grown humanity, +the flaming ideal in which the poor anarchistic moths now still scorch +their wings." + +"My dear Mr. Muralto, in a way I really feel that you are placing me in +the position of Dr. Faustus, to whom every imaginable glory was held +out, all that human ambition could desire, if he would but sign his +name. You will pardon the comparison, I hope." + +"Certainly, but you will probably have something more to do than sign +your name. And I will gladly give you every occasion to search your +deepest conscience whether I should be counted among the good or the +bad demons." + +"Until now, my friend, I considered myself capable of getting on +without guiding spirits." + +"But after all that was only an opinion, as all other opinions very +open to criticism." + +"That is possible! - At any rate I am very grateful to you for the most +interesting conference. I hope that we may continue it another time." + +"I gave you my address. I shall be at your disposal there at any +moment." + +"Much obliged! - I feel myself, honored by your confidence and by the +high opinion you seem to entertain of me. Once more - many thanks." + +With these ceremonious courtesies we parted from one another. + +Then I went back to my little house where Elsje awaited me. I had the +dissatisfied and well-nigh angry feeling of one who has not been able +to do himself and his ideas justice. The process of realizing our ideas +is always full of surprises and disappointments, like the performing of +a play or the developing of a photograph. + +Elsje awaited me, with everything in readiness that the little house +could offer of comfort and of cheer - and best of all, with eager +interest in that which stirred my heart so deeply. She knew that this +was my first stroke in the campaign and she participated in it, with +all her soul, as I gratefully read by her looks and her attitude when I +came home. + +"How was it?" she asked. + +"So, so! dearest. - I did what I could. But I do not know whether I +said just what I should have to make the most impression. It isn't +enough to say the right thing, but one must say it in such a way and so +often that it makes an impression and takes effect. You can never do +that all at once. But nevertheless I am not dissatisfied with my first +attack." + +And I told her how my words had been received. + +"You dear, good man! You do your best so faithfully. If only they knew +what I know, how good you are, and how sincere your intentions." + +One usually attaches little value to a loving woman's judgment upon the +man she loves. But the perfect faith of a pure spirit is not alone a +wondrous comfort and consolation, but also a mighty creative power for +the good. And it is not confusing and blinding, but calming and +beneficial to see oneself reflected in a clear glass, in a favorable +light. + +XXX + +I shall never admit that the plan of my campaign was unpracticable or +ill contrived. I remain firmly convinced that the main idea was correct +and will be of service to future combatants. But it had one fault which +I could not be aware of and which could only reveal itself in the +practice. It is not impossible to inoculate men like Elkinson with an +original and to them new idea, and even to impress it. On them in such +a manner that they come to conceive of it as their own idea and are +driven to action by it. + +But then this operation must be performed as skilfully and carefully as +a botanical or surgical grafting, so that the idea becomes one with +their own nature, and continues to grow, nourished by their own life. +Now in my case the grafting did not succeed - just as the first +botanical graftings did not succeed - because I was not sufficiently +experienced and practised in it and had not yet found the right method. +Still this does not prove the impossibility of the principle. + +One can never remind oneself too often that no one, not even the most +sagacious, broadest mind, is led to assume different fundamental ideas +solely by reasonable arguments. The element of faith is always +indispensable, even in purely scientific questions. + +What I said to Judge Elkinson would have been entirely sufficient to +convince him and to stir his powers into action, had it been told him +in the same words but under more favorable circumstances; or if he had +heard it oftener, from different persons and in different words. + +The unfavorable, hampering circumstance was that because of my poverty +and my illegitimate marriage I now stood outside the circle of +Elkinson's social intercourse. I had foreseen this to be sure, but +thought nevertheless that he would confer with me in secret and private +interviews often enough to afford me the opportunity of keeping in +contact with him and in the end convincing him. I did indeed see him +now and then too, once also he came to me and evinced as much interest, +kindliness and broad mindedness as could be expected of a man in his +position. But illogical as it may seem, the influence of my words was +much slighter because we no longer stood on an equal footing. Had he, +as formerly, met me everywhere in the distinguished circles, had he +there, in club or salon, parried on the same conversations with me, and +above all, had he not gained the impression that I spoke intentionally +and with the purpose of rousing him to action, he would then, I am +sure, have assimilated these same ideas and seemingly on his own +initiative would have commenced to act upon them. + +But the arguments that upon the lips of a man of position and +distinction are convincing lose their persuasive power when spoken by +an erratic or eccentric, even though they may be exactly as logical, +because the element of faith and of trust are wanting. + +Thus the release from social convention, which liberated my spirit and +gave me the courage to honestly assert and maintain myself, at the same +time had a crippling effect upon my powers. When the knight had buckled +his coat of mail he could no longer move his arms. + +I did not stop at this first attempt, but continued working restlessly, +trying to provide a living for us and seeking a fertile ground for the +seed of my thoughts. I tried to find pupils to take lessons in +languages and strove to gain admission to the editors of magazines and +newspapers. I composed short articles in which I endeavored to make +ideas of great importance and value interesting and readable. Urged by +necessity I even attempted to write short stories, which were complete +failures however, and caused me miserable hours of struggle and inward +shame. For purposely manufactured art is just as insipid, unworthy and +humiliating as true art is sacred and exalting. The last is divine +worship, the first waste of time. + +I also tried to engage the interest of other influential persons +besides Judge Elkinson. But I had rightly selected him as the most +available, and with all the others met with less success. I had used up +my best powder at the first onslaught. Now I ran great danger of being +looked upon as one of the many harmless, but troublesome and tiresome +fools, who are called "cranks" over there, and who seem to flourish in +America. People who go about everywhere and pursue everyone with an +infallible system, an ingenious invention, a gigantic scheme. They have +calculated everything and only want a millionaire or an influential +person to realize their idea - to reform the world and make it happy or +to amass fabulous riches. + +Once counted in that category and my chance was lost, that I knew. +People would warn one another against me and no one in this +hastily-living world would have even one minute to spare to listen to +me. + +Every day of the campaign on which I had so bravely entered, I saw more +distinctly the fatal difficulty I was facing. In order to be able to +carry out anything I should have to "make a name," as it is called. And +making a name, the forming of a centre of suggestive influence working, +not through essential worth but through idle sound, - this is in +conflict with a contemplative nature and a lover of reality as I am. +The man of action will make a name, he will work for it unashamed, he +finds unadulterated pleasure in being honored and celebrated and +renowned. For in his capacity the power of a name, a personality, is +indispensable. Wisely he has been equipped with the suitable instincts +for this. + +But I myself had an insurmountable horror of anything that would tend +to bring my own personality, my most transitory, spectral unimportant +being into the limelight. To see my name printed or to hear it +discussed was quite indifferent to me, even very disagreeable. I should +be willing to bear it for Christ's sake, if I realized that I could +only thus serve him and that he demanded it of me. But it was +impossible for me to exert myself to that end. It is harder for the +Original than for anyone else to act contrary to his natural +disposition. To uphold the important truths whereof I knew myself to be +the sole and responsible supporter, I was always ready to make any +sacrifice. But to fight for my person, my career, my name, did not +attract me in the least and thus also rarely met with success. + +So for days, weeks, and months I worked without the slightest result. A +pupil, sent to me by Elkinson, stayed away after a few weeks without +paying me - perhaps because he may have heard something about my +illegitimate marriage. Some journalists who had known me in former days +received me with superficial friendliness and promised to do something +for me. But they did nothing - speedily absorbed again in their own +interests. Of Elkinson, I heard that he had been brought into +consideration for the presidential candidacy; sufficient reason for him +to forget hundreds of conversations with a Muralto, shipwrecked through +his own folly. + +Just as prosperity again begets prosperity, so also does misery grow +like a snowball rolling down hill. The great, tremendous, busy world +about me rushed restlessly onward in the fog - striving, seeking, +building up and demolishing, urged on by uncomprehended impulses - and +considered we no more than any of the thousand lost creatures that are +crushed under its blind and heavy tread, cruel as the machine that +catches the careless worker in its wheels. And yet I knew that this +tremendous structure was the obedient tool of the same power that had +entrusted me with its most precious gifts, that had urged me on my way, +that was responsible for my strength and for my weakness. + +And in proportion as the want that reigned in my little house grew more +and more real and the struggle for existence more and more anxious, in +the same proportion this humble home also began to grow dearer to me. I +was approaching the age when a man, even though not yet tired and worn +out, still, more than ever before, longs for a resting place, a small +intimate sphere of quiet and rest, of cherishing love and peace, a +home. What had formerly been my home had always remained inwardly +strange to me. It afforded me every comfort and physical ease, but my +heart found no happiness there. And now I had more than I had ever +expected to find. I found the true domestic happiness more beautiful, +more sublime and holy than I had imagined - but its beauty was touched +with anguish and its joy with anxious sorrow because it was so +transitory. + +We needed so little - a couple of tidy rooms with few ugly things and +one or two objects of beauty, a small garden plot with flowers, some +sunlight by day, some lamplight cheer at night, enough to eat, and +quiet and serenity for study - and all the hours spent together were +completely satisfying in their measure of glory and every minute of +separation became endurable through the prospect of finding each other +again. + +Elsje had the child-like power of enjoyment, that in a trifle - an +opening flower, a new piece of furniture, an ornament or decoration, a +song, a few fine lines of poetry - can find gratification and delight +for hours and days. She had the pure taste that, above all, fears +overloading and over-excitement, and takes pleasure only in what is +simple and what is truly enjoyed. + +How little I would have needed to make her life a constant joy. But +even that little I was not able to give. The poverty from which I had +wished to teach men to escape, the poverty falsely, proclaimed as +Jesus' friend and the bride of the devout, - in truth Christ's fiercest +enemy and a horror and terror to every truly devout man - this poverty +slunk into my house and with a grim laugh of scorn revenged herself +upon me who had dared assail her sacredness and sublimity. And she +struck the most beautiful and the dearest that life had offered me, she +menaced my greatest treasure, won but so shortly and at such great +sacrifice. + +It seemed as though Elsje's dauntless efforts to prepare a comforting +home for me, her unfailing patience and brave cheerfulness consumed her +physical being all the more. I saw the battle that she was waging, and +it tortured me with a thousand variations of pain. Her keeping up when +she was well-nigh powerless with exhaustion. Her increased tenderness +when she saw me yield under the heavy pressure of care, whereby I +noticed that she felt herself responsible for my suffering, as it was +for her sake that I had given up my life of prosperity. + +Then at the time of our greatest troubles, came that which Elsje had +expected and longed for as the highest blessing - maternity. + +I too had desired the child and had longed for it with fervent +tenderness, picturing to myself how I could now bestow all the interest +and fatherly devotion without self-constraint, from natural instinct, +from overpowering love. How I should love this child and delight in the +sight of its development day by day. Recalling with bitter sorrow how +vaguely and distantly the lovely blossoming of Lucia's children had +passed by me, because I had not participated with my entire being in +their growth and their development, I now hoped after all to be father +in the full sense of the word, and with clear perception and unabating +interest to delight in this lovely miracle. Surely no child before it +had yet breathed the air, has ever been as fervently loved, as tenderly +discussed, as devoutly looked forward to as this. + +But a dark foreboding dwelt in me with relentless certainty. I knew +that calamity threatened, my dreams betokened it and it became daily +clearer what form this calamity would take. The glad promise had a +diabolically mocking sound, the subtle perceptive faculty of my +insensible being felt the falseness of the sweet announcement. Toward +Elsje as she tranquilly sat by my side sewing at tiny garments and +absorbed in the sweet prospect of her child, toward Elsje I could feign +hopefulness and enter into her sweet phantasies - but myself I could +not deceive. I knew that a picture of happiness was teasingly held out +to me that my eyes would never behold. I knew that the genuineness of +my conviction, the strength of my faith, would be submitted to the +severest test, to the keenest torture. + +Then too, through Elsje's peculiar condition, which makes certain +spiritual longings speak so loudly, it became clear to me what she had +so carefully hidden from me. + +She always questioned me about my dreams what and whom I had seen, +where I had been. And once the words escaped her: + +"Oh, I wish that I could dream like you!" + +"Why, Elsje? What would you do?" + +"I should try to go to Holland," she said softly. + +Then I understood her. It was homesickness that had taken hold upon her. + +"Do you long to be back in Holland?" + +She nodded mutely, but immediately added in a livelier tone: + +"But I don't want you to mind that, my dear husband, as long as you +consider your work here is not yet accomplished. I am patient and can +very well wait a while. But there is a possibility after all, isn't +there, - when our child is a little bigger - that we go back to live in +Holland?" + +"If my endeavors meet with no better success than they have so far, +Elsje, we can just as well live in Holland." + +Then no longer restraining herself, she said: + +"I should have thought it so lovely if my baby had been born in +Holland, amid the green pastures in a bright pretty little Dutch house, +under the lovely Dutch clouds, near our sea. And then I could already +early have shown him all the beautiful things that we have only in +Holland - our quaint little town, and the paintings in the museum, and +the peasant houses, and the dunes. Here everything is so big, so hard, +and so ugly -" + +I promised to remain here no longer than I considered strictly +necessary. But I knew that her wish could not be fulfilled. Even had I +had the money, she would not have had the strength at the time to take +the trip. But her mind was constantly occupied with Holland and her +child in Dutch environment. And her growing aversion to the food in the +strange country, her desire for the diet of the land where she had been +brought up, wrought fatally upon her system. + +One day when I had again returned home discouraged after a useless +attempt to induce a learned society to apply and test its sociological +and biological knowledge in a practical direction, she said: + +"Dearest husband, is it stupid of me to think that Jesus who has drawn +and led you hither, could now so easily also move others to listen to +you, and to translate your thoughts into deeds?" + +"No, Elsje. For if I assume that Christ has influenced me in +particular, for his purpose, then I can also think that he influences +others for that purpose. But yet such a thought seems like +superstition. That is to say like the regarding of things divine in a +human way. Yes, if Christ went to work as a man, then we might be +surprised that he did not act as we should. + +"But though he is a thinking, feeling being, that loves us, still he +acts toward us individuals with the exalted greatness and seeming +ruthlessness of a natural force, of a divine power. He can love us and +know us, better than we know the cells of our own body, and yet take no +account of our little worries, because he knows how insignificant they +are. And he always acts through great, universal things, instincts and +impulses, that must serve for all, but under which the individual must +often suffer. His laws are good, good for us all, but not perfect, any +more than human laws. Cannot all impulses degenerate? Are not all our +tendencies full of danger? Is not our body full of defects? Must we not +help and improve continuously? And nevertheless is not everything again +compiled with an ingenuity incomprehensible to us? Think what it means +to heal a slight wound or, a thousand times more wonderful still, to +give birth to a new human being!" + +"But new plants and animals are born too, and the construction of a +plant or an animal is just as ingenious. Is that all the work of Jesus? +Let me say Jesus instead of Christ, I love that name better." + +"Yes, there is perhaps something more intimate in this name. When in my +dream I asked my father about Christ, he pointed out to me the +beautiful markings on the wings of a butterfly. And with this in mind I +began to suspect what Jesus is. It is really so simple, so perfectly +obvious. One or the other: either this butterfly decoration originated +accidentally, or it was made with intention, feeling and thoughtful +consideration. For centuries God, the Supreme Omnipotence, has been +held responsible for it. And when the scholars finally could no longer +believe in so many contradictions and so many imperfections in an +almighty, perfect Being, then they tried their best to prove that the +beautiful markings of the butterfly had originated quite accidentally; +which is even more foolish than to think that an etching by Rembrandt +or a statue by Phidias is an accidental formation. And absolutely to +prove the contrary is impossible. One can merely speak of extreme +improbability. But I know nothing more improbable than this - that a +butterfly, a flower or a human being should be the accidental product +of blind forces, supposing that one may speak of blind or unconscious +forces. That the sun and the stars revolve around the earth, that the +Egyptian hieroglyphics are accidental scratches on the granite - all +this is even a great deal less improbable. But then they must also be +living, thinking, feeling and reasoning beings that have created +butterfly, flower and man and are still constantly creating and +changing them, with infinite skill, with incomprehensible ingenuity, +but nevertheless with ever-recurring imperfection. And probably beings +who are by no means always in harmony with one another, that fight and +struggle among them, supplanting and replacing one another, whose +desires, endeavors, joys and sorrows are far beyond the comprehension +of insignificant individuals as we - but whose expressions of life we +nevertheless clearly discern as separate entities, as races and species +struggling side by side, sometimes with, sometimes sharply opposite to +one another. The being that has created us, whose spirit, mind, will +and sensibility binds us together, as does our body its cells, into one +great unity, outwardly imperceptible, but perfectly evident to our +inner sensibility, is the Spirit of Humanity, the Primal Reason, the +Genitive Soul of Mankind - Christ." + +"Thus every species of animal and plant then must have its Jesus?" + +"Certainly, every species must have its genitive Soul, - and every cell +in every individual has its own. How these entities are connected and +how they are separated from one another - that the biologists will +learn gradually. They are scarcely at the beginning of their knowledge." + +"But God the Supreme Omnipotence nevertheless just calmly tolerates all +this struggle, this suffering and this imperfection." + +"Certainly - for it is." + +"Why? Wherefore? Isn't that just as unsatisfactory?" + +" Dearest wife, the difficulty is ever merely transferred; this will +continue so, until we possess higher insight. I shall not pretend that +as Milton I can justify God's ways before mankind, nor yet that as +Dante I can say everything there in to be said concerning God and the +Universe, nor even that as Spinoza, Hegel or Schopenhauer I can build +up a complete system. That is unscientific, all true science is +assuming and computing. Of the highest Power we know next to nothing: +but nevertheless enough for our life. We know that his laws obtain +everywhere as far as our perception reaches, and we know that He works +equally in the living and in the apparently not living, in the smallest +and in the greatest, and that our life rests on faith in him, that our +peace lies in His will. But of Jesus we know much more, for, +scientifically, we see his expressions of life and we feel his effect +upon our spirit. And that is over and above sufficient to comfort us in +all our suffering and all our troubles. But future generations will +know much more, will go much more surely, will lead much more beautiful +lives and die much happier." + +"Didn't you tell me, dear, that Emmy, your first love, did not seem to +know Jesus, but Lucia did? And yet you loved Emmy so and have seen her +in your dreams and she has brought you to Jesus and to me. But Lucia +has always remained a stranger to you. How is that?" + +"Yes, it is so, Elsje. And I see no contradiction in it. Emmy lived in +a dead, false Protestantism, but she was designed for something better. +Lucia lived in the warm, living faith of the Middle Ages, which, +however, we are outgrowing. The Middle Ages knew Jesus and lived in him +fervently, truly and really, as is manifest in their entire nature. +Their inner sensibility of him was much stronger than ours, but their +knowledge, their definite realization of him was much more faulty. +Lucia's piety belongs to an earlier phase - never can it reconcile +itself to ours. She is a perfect blossom on a more ancient branch of +humanity. But she can never be perfectly mated with any who, as we, +belongs to a more modern generation. My love for Emmy was not as deep +and as strong as my love for you, Elsje. Never. It was a much more +superficial, personal sentiment, not encouraged by return, not +sufficiently powerful to stream out further. I never learned to love +mankind through Emmy, as I did through you. And that Emmy in my dreams +as it were reserved me for herself, and then brought me to Elsje, so +that my power of love has attained to perfect, glorious development, +that I shall never be able to regard otherwise than as the greatest +blessing, the greatest privilege that Jesus ever let me experience." + +"And do you believe, dearest, even though now your work should remain +entirely useless here, that humanity shall nevertheless be benefitted +by our love?" + +"I believe it. But it goes beyond my responsibility and beyond my care. +Our responsibility goes no further than our comprehension. I am simply +obedient to what I recognize as my noblest and highest inclinations. I +act according to the beat of my knowledge. The responsibility I leave +to Him, who gave us our impulses and our faculty of judging, whose +wisdom and sensibility are so far exalted above ours as a human body is +exalted above the most ingenious machine invented by man. But though +now I am powerless to exert a direct influence, I shall not give it up +and shall not rest. I shall write down everything and testify of Him. +And He in His own way and in His own time, will bring it all into +regard and into practice." + +"Perhaps through our child," said my poor wife; and my firmness forsook +me. + +XXXI + +The child of our love lived only one day. + +When, a hundred years earlier, it befell my brother Lessing that he +lost his only-born after a single day of life, he bitterly reviled +Christ in his sorrow. With cutting sarcasm be lauded the wisdom of this +child, who would not enter life until he was dragged into it with tongs +of iron, - and the same night departed again. + +My brother Lessing was a devout man, but yet not sufficiently devout to +revere the beauty, the majesty and greatness of Human Being amid the +suffering he had to undergo. The true, living Christ had also called +him to testify, and he did not in his testimony spare the Bible-Jesus, +the artificial product of human fancy. But the belief in the future +Glory of Mankind for which the suffering of the individual is not too +high a price, afforded him no solace and did not reconcile him to the +bitterness of life. + +I will not laud my strength. I was as weak in my overwhelming sorrow as +one might expect of a poor mortal. As long as my wife survived her +child, my love for her gave me the strength outwardly to show nothing +that might resemble bitterness or despair. When she too was taken from +me, there was nothing or no one to force me to a display of +cheerfulness and resignation, and for a while I was a crushed, beaten +and broken creature, a faded, falling leaf. + +But the knowledge, the spiritual, intellectual knowledge, could not +forsake me even though all sensibility had been dulled and stifled by +excess of grief. As long as we contemplate ourselves with the +scientific eye, from the height of our inmost consciousness, so long +too there is something that exists above pain, old age and death. He +who accurately observes himself in suffering and old age, is thereby +exalted above time and sorrow, for that which contemplates is always +more and higher than that which is contemplated. And so in the midst of +ray wretchedness I knew that gladness and eternal youth dwelt within me +through this tiny spark of contemplative power. + +I knew and never forgot that the Eternal in which we live does not take +anxious account of a little more or less of suffering and does not +spare his creatures. + +It suffers thousands of seeds to perish in order that one of them may +attain perfect growth. I knew that the pain I felt was the after effect +of a craving now grown useless and that I should no longer be sensible +of it as soon as I considered what had been attained, and desisted from +the unessential and unattainable. + +And I saw no reason to doubt of the supremacy of blessedness and joy +above all sorrow, because I, insignificant individual, in a few short +years of life had been made to suffer the utmost that I could endure. + +I was weak, weak as all human beings, but an inconceivable spark of +knowledge shone out like a bright tiny star above all my dark +infirmities. And it is upon this little twinkling star, dear reader, +that I would fix your attention, and not upon my frailties. + +What else is it but weakness, miserable, lamentable weakness, that is +spread out before us in the bitter invective speeches against Life by +those who are called pessimists, by Schopenhauer, Wagner, Ibsen, +dragged along as they were in the ebb of life toward the middle of this +century? + +I was born at the shifting of the tide and I know that the rising +waters are bearing me upon them. I know full well that pure blessedness +is not yet in Human Being, but that it must be created and that the +first condition for its advent is the faith and the will, the courage +and the strength of the Originals. Wherever true being obtains there is +pure blessedness, and it is our part to attain this true being - but +the first essential for it is the foreseeing conviction. For willing is +creating and each of us, building in eternity, follows his own plan. + +My optimism is truly not the hiding myself from inevitable grief, for +with towering waves the sea of sorrow has pounded against my beacon +towers. The fires were not extinguished and beamed out above it all. + +But not a moment longer than I can help it do I allow myself to dwell +on the dark, the gloomy and melancholy side of life. Nor shall I try to +thrill your heart, dear reader, with scenes of melancholy, sad as the +things may be that I have to tell you. The worst of all demoniacal +aberrations is a passion for wallowing in the mire of dreariness, of +melancholy. Guard yourself, guard yourself against the dismal lime rods +that threaten the free flight of your thoughts. + +Elsje and I had frequently spoken of dying, but only when a vigorous +mood permitted us to do so without sadness or apprehension. For the +worst thing about death is not the actual dying, but the breath of +horror that it sometimes casts upon our sensibilities. + +That our age permits so few to live beautifully is sad, but it is far +worse that it gives to so few the opportunity and the courage to die +worthily. Our generation ill understands how to lives but it knows even +less how to die. Most die, not the quite unappalling death of the hero, +but the horrible Philistine's death, as Goethe called it. + +To die beautifully and worthily had been the dearest wish of both of +us, after that of a long life in happy unison. And Elsje attained this +desire as nearly as our wretched circumstances allowed. + +"It is good after all now," she said when she felt the certainty of +what was about to take place, "that our darling baby did not live. For +it would have been so hard for you, poor, dear man, to care for the +child alone and at the same time continue with your work." + +Eagerly she questioned me every morning about my dreams and it pleased +her exceedingly when I could honestly say that despite my anxieties my +dreams had been of a serene, refreshing splendor. And she always wanted +to know more of this wonderful state, that must be so like what we +shall experience after this body's decay and is so difficult to +describe and to comprehend. + +"I think the worst," she said, "is that perhaps we shall never be +certain, when we see each other again, whether it is not a delusive +image, a product of our own imagination, instead of the other's actual +being. For then we no longer, as now, have our senses and thus nothing +to convince us that what we perceive is the same as what we perceived +in life." + +"I can't say much in answer to that, dearest, except this - that even +in the brief moments of perception during sleep, I have felt assurance. +Self-deception may indeed be possible, but there is also infinite, +quiet time for consideration, observation, recollection, which in my +sleep is always wanting. And there must also be amalgamation, +dissolution of personality, perception through the medium of still +living beings - a multitude of conditions and faculties now still +wholly incomprehensible to us." + +"That sounds sad to me: dissolution of the personality. For it will be +for you, for you as you are now, for your own personal nature, your +dear voice, your gentle eyes that I shall long for ever and ever, and +for that above everything." + +"I only know, Elsje, that nothing has been lost or can be lost of all +our impressions, of all the most beautiful and precious things we have +experienced. Nothing perishes, and surely least of all that which is +the constituent element of all that is: feeling. All feeling is +eternal, and the least that we experience is lastingly recorded in the +memory of the Almighty. I can say nothing more nor be more explicit +about it, we must comfort ourselves with this main thought." + +"If you are comforted and brave, dearest husband, I am too." + +"I am, for even if I must live on ten or twenty solitary years after +our separation, I have my work and my study, and I also have my nights +in which I shall call you. And you'll surely want to come when I call +you? + +"Oh, dearest, whether I will want to? If I know that it can comfort +you! Whether I will want to?" + +And her dim eyes smiled at the extreme superfluence of my question. + +"And when you have your gloomy moments again, dear, will you forgive me +then that I induced you to cause and to experience so much sorrow? - I +know of course that you never think bitterly of me, and that you +forgive me everything in your joyous, vigorous times, when your real, +true nature dominates. But there are periods of dejection too. Will you +not think bitterly of me then?" + +"Rather ask me, Elsje, whether I will forgive Christ that he induced me +to cause you so much suffering, that he did not point out my way to me +sooner and more distinctly, and left you to pine and wait so long. +Christ is the Mighty, the Strong, the Wise, who governs us and who +bears the greatest responsibility. We two are poor, blind, little +toilers who have helped one another to the best of our abilities. For +each other we have only gratitude!" + +"Yes!" said Elsje, contented; "for each other only gratitude." + +And to the last moments of her life she was absorbed and comforted in +the thought that I would still have the nights, in which I would call +her and find strength and encouragement for the lonely day. + +"To forgive Jesus," she said another time, "is really absurd, isn't it? +For I would love him at least just as much as you, if only I might +think of him as human." + +"Everything we say, Elsje, is absurd. But what we feel is not absurd. +When we have returned to the Source of Life, to the Genitive-soul of +humanity, only then I think shall we realize how absurd were our words, +but how true our feeling." + +The last words I heard from her, in her anxious care for me, were a +whispered: "Will you call me!" and once more when her voice had grown +toneless her lips formed the word: "Call!" + +Then the blossom withered, and fell. But the mighty stem had grown +richer through the beautiful bloom of her love-breathing life. + +XXXII + +After Elsje's death I had no more peace in the new country. It seemed +as though her homesickness had passed on to me. My dreams spoke night +after night of Holland, only Holland, and of the place where I had +found my wife. Her supernatural being seemed to drive me toward the +land of her longing. + +A long time I resisted this desire, unwilling to give up the work that +I had begun with go much sacrifice and carried through with so much +anguish. + +Then I received a strange communication. I heard through a business +agent of my family in Italy, with whom I had remained in touch, that my +mother had died and had left her fortune to my children; and that my +daughter Emilia, having attained her majority, was determined not to +accept the money but to give it to me. My children were all married or +independent, and the whole family was scattered. Lucia was an abbess in +a religious institution. + +Then I could no longer resist the secret craving which did not cease +night or day and so distinctly appeared to me like a warning from my +dead wife, and I went back to this little town, where I bought my +present house and the small nursery garden, which still furnishes me +daily occupation. + +What I received from my daughter was not much, but sufficient for +maintaining my simple, provincial life here. Gradually I succeeded in +accustoming the petty provincials to my strange ways, and now my life +is as endurable as any that I could still have hoped to find on earth. + +Only by this strange communication and Emilia's friendly act was I +aroused from the dark stupor into which Elsje's death had plunged me. I +would not perhaps have had the power to rouse myself to an interest in +life and in my work, would perhaps have fallen ill and died without +once seeing Elsje in my dreams. For my despair and my homesickness had +also dimmed the clarity of my dreamlife. I slept little and badly, the +tortured soul could not separate itself sufficiently from the restless +body to attain to reintegration and transcendental perception. + +Emilia's act saved me. And then I made the comforting observation, that +with the recovery from a period of deep affliction the power of +enjoyment is extraordinarily heightened. I saw my daughter again in +Paris, where we had agreed to meet before I should go to Holland, and +the one single day there was marked by a wondrous indescribable joy. + +It overcame me quite suddenly - during the journey from America - that +I felt the dark melancholy giving way. And then too came the clear +perception during the night, brief but intense, in which I for the +first time summoned the beloved dead, heard her soft, loving voice, and +saw her eyes. + +In Paris the reunion with the only one of my children who had remained +true to me - the gentle devoted girl who wanted to continue to +understand and to help her father - was an exquisite joy. + +It is impossible to put into words what takes place in the soul at such +a time, and the effect is so strange that, even while experiencing it, +I was filled with continual devout wonder. + +The connection between the spiritual body and waking body must then +suddenly be supplied and firmly restored again, and the weakness of +this spiritual joint that was caused by melancholy all at once relieved. + +All that I saw that day was joy, was well-nigh bliss. And above all - +it signified so much! With everything I saw, I felt the existence of +infinite prospects of joy and beauty that were indicated by it, only +just briefly indicated -but unmistakable. + +There was a large exposition - one of these banal world fairs which I +had often railed at. But now with my thousand-fold heightened +sensibility of joy and beauty, I saw it all as a distinct dawning and +precursor of untold approaching glory. + +The wide, sunny avenues with the gilded statues gleaming in the clear +sunlight, the temples and galleries white and stately, the thousands +and thousands of people assembled from every land, the joyous festive +aspect, the music on all sides, the odor of dust, of linden-blossoms, +of faintly perfumed clothes - ah! how powerless is this summary to +picture the indescribable, the beautiful joy whereof all this seemed to +me to be a fleeting proclaimer. I could look about me where I would - +at an Eastern façade, at a group of musicians, at a leafy row of sunlit +trees, at the sweet, pretty, well-dressed girl who walked by my side +and who was my daughter - everything betokened gladness, strange, +subtle, unknown joy, intense splendor, secret expectation of great, +never-suspected mysteries and wonders. + +On this happy day these two truths were firmly rooted in my soul: +First, that humanity is on its upward course, that the wound of God is +healing, that a new common welfare, surpassing all imagination, is in +store, even on this earth, with a glory beyond measure or example. And +secondly, that our power of enjoyment continues to grow under the +weight of our mortal body and that there is nothing improbable in the +expectation of the ancient believers that we shall only then really +know what true blessedness is when we are forever delivered from this +burden. + +Even as all faculties, all organs, are developed by opposition, +provided it is not overpowering, so also the power of loving and of +being blessed is developed under the outward opposition of the mortal, +physical life, provided the spirit retains the once acquired knowledge +and is able to endure the tribulations and with prudence to conquer +them. + +This advantage I did not lose again in my later solitary life. My old +age, monotonous and inwardly lonely though it may be, is joyous and +happy, full of bright expectation, full of gentle resignation. + +A few times I again had the great outward pleasure of having my +daughter visit me and of being able to speak with her openly and +honestly about my life, about her mother, about Elsje, my eternally +beloved, true wife. I could speak to no one else of this. But Emilia +always listened attentively and reverently, and I do not doubt but that +it taught her something and that it broadened and cleared her mind. + +Aside from these few eminently happy days, I do not despise the most +trifling daily pleasures - nevertheless I leave my little city but +seldom. I find pleasure in the beauties of my little town and this low +land at all seasons, in the working and cultivating of my little plot +of land, in the freshly plowed earth with its sweet smell, in the eager +interest in the thriving of my plants, and also in the small domestic +joys. + +An old faithful servant from "The Toelast" has, after the death of Jan +Baars, gone over into my employ, and she cooks deliciously and cares +for me as for her own child. And the long, solemn, solitary evenings in +my quiet house with my books, papers, memories and a little music are +never too long for me. + +What I mind most are the meetings of the board of directors of the +orphanage, but I shall tell of that another time. It is not a heavy +affliction, however. + +The nights have, as formerly, continued to be my greatest solace. The +years now pass swiftly and fleetingly, for in age one measures the +flight of time with a larger scale. I now reckon its flight almost +solely by the milestones of my dreams, by the times when I could summon +my beloved and was sensible of her presence. + +In this connection I shall recount one more dream - it was in the late +morning hours between seven and eight o'clock. The dream began with a +conversation concerning the life after death, in which I tried to +convince some one that there would be a fusion of units, not a personal +continuation of life, but an absorbing of our individual being into the +universal being with complete retention of our memory and our +experience. This was clearer to me than ever before. + +Then all at once came the thought: I have not yet seen my beloved, she +is waiting, I must go quickly to greet her. Thereupon the consciousness +that I was dreaming and was in E------ and that I should find her +there. I went out of doors and saw the blue sky and a magnificent +landscape. Then I passed into the state of ecstasy. Following one upon +the other in rapid succession, the most glorious spectacles unfolded +themselves and I did nothing but utter cries of rapture and fervid +thanks. I saw an entrancing mountain landscape, clearly and sharply +outlined, the crevices in the rocks, the rough stony ledges lit up by +the sun, the mountain pastures o'erspread with golden radiance. And +then all at once there lay before me a fair green valley, with low +shrubs, a clear, gently-flowing, winding stream, quiet houses and a few +tall-stemmed tropical trees. An indescribable, deeply-significant calm +and stillness reigned there. The land was populated and thickly +settled, but enwrapped in a universal breathless consecration of peace +and joy. I saw light-blue peacocks quietly strutting about in the sun, +their images reflected by the water. The colors, the pure atmosphere, +the pretty, quiet house, the solemn silence, the presence, felt but not +seen, of thousands of peaceful, happy human beings, the light horizon +with the mighty sun-lit mountain chain - all this was too beautiful for +words. + +I called my beloved that she should come and look too. I did not see +her, but I heard her dear voice saying: + +"What a quantity of flowers!" + +Then I felt the desire to pray, and facing toward the direction whence +the light came, I for the first time no longer saw the dark cloud which +I had always seen there until Elsje's death and which after that time +only gradually dissolved. And for the first time in the dream-world I +saw the disc of the sun. + +Then I spoke to Christ, passionately and eloquently as I had never done +before and surely would never be able to do in the day-time. Gratitude +and love I gave utterance to. + +"My father and my mother thou art, and I love thee despite all I have +suffered for thee. I am willing to suffer for thee, and I feel no +bitterness for the grief I have suffered. I forgive thee, I forgive +thee, and I know that thou forgivest me all my follies and my +weaknesses - for between us there shall no longer be any question of +forgiveness, but only of gratitude, even as between myself and my +beloved. For we cannot conceive thee and therefore cannot love thee +sufficiently, and we only love thee in each other, even as we know each +other. But I know that the love for my beloved is love for thee and +that in her I love thee. And I feel no regret and am happy and +thankful, content to have followed thee and served thee, firmly +believing that I shall grow in power till I shall recognize and attain +fitness for eternal blessedness. I ask for nothing, but I long for thee +and for thy Glory, and I shall leave behind a glowing trail of +gratitude so that the others may find thee by it." + +As I said this, I saw light mists draw away from the face of the sun, +and it began to shine with blinding radiance. This seemed such a +gracious revelation to me that I could only cry: Ah! Ah! in my +transport. Then I felt that I would weep or faint from joy, but that I +did not want, and I awoke! + +That morning I was refreshed and well fortified against trouble. + +The only thing I still fear is a weakening of the mind in my declining +years, so that I should have to drift about for years as a hopeless +wreck. I have a theory that one can prevent this by sagacious prudence +and by exertion and exercise of the contemplative power. + +But this theory has yet to be proved. And my example alone would not be +sufficient for that. + +As long as I retain my clearness of mind, I have plenty of work in +elaborating these ideas and conceptions which so far I have only +briefly indicated. + +In the first place? + + +- - - + + +The E------ Journal in its issue of June 12th, 1908, published the +following account: + + +"To-day a sad accident occurred outside the harbor within eight of our +town. On the yacht 'Elsje,' belonging to Mr. Muralto, a fire started, +presumably caused by the upsetting of an alcohol lamp. The entire +vessel was speedily ablaze. Mr. Muralto, despite his great age a strong +swimmer, jumped overboard, endeavoring to carry his companion, a +skipper's lad who could not swim, to the haven on some planks. But the +strong current pulled both out to sea. The boy was picked up by a +home-sailing sloop, Mr. Muralto was drowned. As the deemed was +universally respected and loved for his benevolence and unassuming +manner, his death arouses universal sympathy in our town." + + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE BRIDE OF DREAMS *** + +This file should be named 9111-8.txt or 9111-8.zip + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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