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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/8377.txt b/8377.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..81c2931 --- /dev/null +++ b/8377.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4682 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Water Ghost and Others, by John Kendrick Bangs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Water Ghost and Others + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Posting Date: August 20, 2012 [EBook #8377] +Release Date: June, 2005 +First Posted: July 4, 2003 +Last Updated: November 14, 2004 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + +John Kendrick Bangs + + +THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS + + + +To Francis Sedgwick Bangs + + +CONTENTS + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL + +THE SPECTRE COOK OF BANGLETOP + +THE SPECK ON THE LENS + +A MIDNIGHT VISITOR + +A QUICKSILVER CASSANDRA + +THE GHOST CLUB + +A PSYCHICAL PRANK + +THE LITERARY REMAINS OF THOMAS BRAGDON + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + +"'WELCOME TO BANGLETOP'" +A DEPARTING COOK +THE BARON'S BREAKFAST WAS NOT PAY-DAY +TERWILLIGER TO THE RESCUE +"COOK!" HE WHISPERED +THE PRESENCE HAD ASSUMED SHAPE +"'NO TALKERS,' RETORTED THE GHOST" +THEY SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED +THE H'EARL, OF MUGLEY +"'TO ARIADNE, OF COURSE'" +"A DUKE IS A DUKE THE WORLD OVER" +BACK TO THE SPIRIT VALE +"MARTYRS' NIGHT" +"DO YOU HEAR THAT BOLT SLIDE?" +THE VISITOR ARRIVES +"I LOOKED UPON MY REFLECTION IN THE GLASS" +THE RED TIE +"NOT A CARD FELL" +"'GRAB HOLD OF ME, BOYS'" +"I MUST HAVE FAINTED" +THE MIND-READING FEATS ON THE CLUB'S BUTLER +"5010" +"PEGGING SHOES LIKE A GENTLEMAN" +5010 BECOMES EXCITED +"NO LESS A PERSON THAN HAWLEY HICKS" +"'JUST WATCH ME'" +NOAH AND DAVY CROCKETT +SOLOMON AND DOCTOR JOHNSON +MOZART TRIES HIS HAND AT THE BANJO +WAITING FOR THE CRITICS +NAPOLEON BONAPARTE AND THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON +THE GIFT OF THE SPOONS +"'LET ME SHAAK DTHOT HAND'" +"HE WAS IN AN UNUSUALLY EXUBERANT MOOD" +ON A SPIRIT SHIP +"MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE REALITY" +GIUSEPPE ZOCCO +"BUT FINALLY I OPENED THE BOX" +"GAZING INTO THE FIRE WAS TOM BRAGDON" +"'YOU GOIN' TO KEEP A DIARY?'" + + + + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL + +The trouble with Harrowby Hall was that it was haunted, and, what was +worse, the ghost did not content itself with merely appearing at the +bedside of the afflicted person who saw it, but persisted in remaining +there for one mortal hour before it would disappear. + +It never appeared except on Christmas Eve, and then as the clock was +striking twelve, in which respect alone was it lacking in that originality +which in these days is a _sine qua non_ of success in spectral life. The +owners of Harrowby Hall had done their utmost to rid themselves of the +damp and dewy lady who rose up out of the best bedroom floor at midnight, +but without avail. They had tried stopping the clock, so that the ghost +would not know when it was midnight; but she made her appearance just the +same, with that fearful miasmatic personality of hers, and there she would +stand until everything about her was thoroughly saturated. + +Then the owners of Harrowby Hall calked up every crack in the floor with +the very best quality of hemp, and over this was placed layers of tar and +canvas; the walls were made water-proof, and the doors and windows +likewise, the proprietors having conceived the notion that the unexorcised +lady would find it difficult to leak into the room after these precautions +had been taken; but even this did not suffice. The following Christmas Eve +she appeared as promptly as before, and frightened the occupant of the +room quite out of his senses by sitting down alongside of him and gazing +with her cavernous blue eyes into his; and he noticed, too, that in her +long, aqueously bony fingers bits of dripping sea-weed were entwined, the +ends hanging down, and these ends she drew across his forehead until he +became like one insane. And then he swooned away, and was found +unconscious in his bed the next morning by his host, simply saturated with +sea-water and fright, from the combined effects of which he never +recovered, dying four years later of pneumonia and nervous prostration at +the age of seventy-eight. + +The next year the master of Harrowby Hall decided not to have the best +spare bedroom opened at all, thinking that perhaps the ghost's thirst for +making herself disagreeable would be satisfied by haunting the furniture, +but the plan was as unavailing as the many that had preceded it. + +The ghost appeared as usual in the room--that is, it was supposed she did, +for the hangings were dripping wet the next morning, and in the parlor +below the haunted room a great damp spot appeared on the ceiling. Finding +no one there, she immediately set out to learn the reason why, and she +chose none other to haunt than the owner of the Harrowby himself. She +found him in his own cosey room drinking whiskey--whiskey undiluted--and +felicitating himself upon having foiled her ghostship, when all of a +sudden the curl went out of his hair, his whiskey bottle filled and +overflowed, and he was himself in a condition similar to that of a man who +has fallen into a water-butt. When he recovered from the shock, which was +a painful one, he saw before him the lady of the cavernous eyes and +sea-weed fingers. The sight was so unexpected and so terrifying that he +fainted, but immediately came to, because of the vast amount of water in +his hair, which, trickling down over his face, restored his consciousness. + +Now it so happened that the master of Harrowby was a brave man, and while +he was not particularly fond of interviewing ghosts, especially such +quenching ghosts as the one before him, he was not to be daunted by an +apparition. He had paid the lady the compliment of fainting from the +effects of his first surprise, and now that he had come to he intended to +find out a few things he felt he had a right to know. He would have liked +to put on a dry suit of clothes first, but the apparition declined to +leave him for an instant until her hour was up, and he was forced to deny +himself that pleasure. Every time he would move she would follow him, with +the result that everything she came in contact with got a ducking. In an +effort to warm himself up he approached the fire, an unfortunate move as +it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly over the fire, which +immediately was extinguished. The whiskey became utterly valueless as a +comforter to his chilled system, because it was by this time diluted to a +proportion of ninety per cent of water. The only thing he could do to ward +off the evil effects of his encounter he did, and that was to swallow ten +two-grain quinine pills, which he managed to put into his mouth before the +ghost had time to interfere. Having done this, he turned with some +asperity to the ghost, and said: + +"Far be it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam, but I'm hanged if it +wouldn't please me better if you'd stop these infernal visits of yours to +this house. Go sit out on the lake, if you like that sort of thing; soak +the water-butt, if you wish; but do not, I implore you, come into a +gentleman's house and saturate him and his possessions in this way. It is +damned disagreeable." + +"Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe," said the ghost, in a gurgling voice, "you +don't know what you are talking about." + +"Madam," returned the unhappy householder, "I wish that remark were +strictly truthful. I was talking about you. It would be shillings and +pence--nay, pounds, in my pocket, madam, if I did not know you." + +"That is a bit of specious nonsense," returned the ghost, throwing a quart +of indignation into the face of the master of Harrowby. "It may rank high +as repartee, but as a comment upon my statement that you do not know what +you are talking about, it savors of irrelevant impertinence. You do not +know that I am compelled to haunt this place year after year by inexorable +fate. It is no pleasure to me to enter this house, and ruin and mildew +everything I touch. I never aspired to be a shower-bath, but it is my +doom. Do you know who I am?" + +"No, I don't," returned the master of Harrowby. "I should say you were the +Lady of the Lake, or Little Sallie Waters." + +"You are a witty man for your years," said the ghost. + +"Well, my humor is drier than yours ever will be," returned the master. + +"No doubt. I'm never dry. I am the Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall, and +dryness is a quality entirely beyond my wildest hope. I have been the +incumbent of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred years +to-night." + +"How the deuce did you ever come to get elected?" asked the master. + +"Through a suicide," replied the spectre. "I am the ghost of that fair +maiden whose picture hangs over the mantel-piece in the drawing-room. I +should have been your great-great-great-great-great-aunt if I had lived, +Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe, for I was the own sister of your +great-great-great-great-grandfather." + +"But what induced you to get this house into such a predicament?" + +"I was not to blame, sir," returned the lady. "It was my father's fault. +He it was who built Harrowby Hall, and the haunted chamber was to have +been mine. My father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well +that blue and gray formed the only combination of color I could tolerate. +He did it merely to spite me, and, with what I deem a proper spirit, I +declined to live in the room; whereupon my father said I could live there +or on the lawn, he didn't care which. That night I ran from the house and +jumped over the cliff into the sea." + +"That was rash," said the master of Harrowby. + +"So I've heard," returned the ghost. "If I had known what the consequences +were to be I should not have jumped; but I really never realized what I +was doing until after I was drowned. I had been drowned a week when a +sea-nymph came to me and informed me that I was to be one of her followers +forever afterwards, adding that it should be my doom to haunt Harrowby +Hall for one hour every Christmas Eve throughout the rest of eternity. I +was to haunt that room on such Christmas Eves as I found it inhabited; and +if it should turn out not to be inhabited, I was and am to spend the +allotted hour with the head of the house." + +"I'll sell the place." + +"That you cannot do, for it is also required of me that I shall appear as +the deeds are to be delivered to any purchaser, and divulge to him the +awful secret of the house." + +"Do you mean to tell me that on every Christmas Eve that I don't happen to +have somebody in that guest-chamber, you are going to haunt me wherever I +may be, ruining my whiskey, taking all the curl out of my hair, +extinguishing my fire, and soaking me through to the skin?" demanded the +master. + +"You have stated the case, Oglethorpe. And what is more," said the water +ghost, "it doesn't make the slightest difference where you are, if I find +that room empty, wherever you may be I shall douse you with my spectral +pres--" + +Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition faded away. It +was perhaps more of a trickle than a fade, but as a disappearance it was +complete. + +"By St. George and his Dragon!" ejaculated the master of Harrowby, +wringing his hands. "It is guineas to hot-cross buns that next Christmas +there's an occupant of the spare room, or I spend the night in a +bath-tub." + +But the master of Harrowby would have lost his wager had there been any +one there to take him up, for when Christmas Eve came again he was in his +grave, never having recovered from the cold contracted that awful night. +Harrowby Hall was closed, and the heir to the estate was in London, where +to him in his chambers came the same experience that his father had gone +through, saving only that, being younger and stronger, he survived the +shock. Everything in his rooms was ruined--his clocks were rusted in the +works; a fine collection of water-color drawings was entirely obliterated +by the onslaught of the water ghost; and what was worse, the apartments +below his were drenched with the water soaking through the floors, a +damage for which he was compelled to pay, and which resulted in his being +requested by his landlady to vacate the premises immediately. + +The story of the visitation inflicted upon his family had gone abroad, and +no one could be got to invite him out to any function save afternoon teas +and receptions. Fathers of daughters declined to permit him to remain in +their houses later than eight o'clock at night, not knowing but that some +emergency might arise in the supernatural world which would require the +unexpected appearance of the water ghost in this on nights other than +Christmas Eve, and before the mystic hour when weary churchyards, ignoring +the rules which are supposed to govern polite society, begin to yawn. Nor +would the maids themselves have aught to do with him, fearing the +destruction by the sudden incursion of aqueous femininity of the costumes +which they held most dear. + +So the heir of Harrowby Hall resolved, as his ancestors for several +generations before him had resolved, that something must be done. His +first thought was to make one of his servants occupy the haunted room at +the crucial moment; but in this he failed, because the servants themselves +knew the history of that room and rebelled. None of his friends would +consent to sacrifice their personal comfort to his, nor was there to be +found in all England a man so poor as to be willing to occupy the doomed +chamber on Christmas Eve for pay. + +Then the thought came to the heir to have the fireplace in the room +enlarged, so that he might evaporate the ghost at its first appearance, +and he was felicitating himself upon the ingenuity of his plan, when he +remembered what his father had told him--how that no fire could withstand +the lady's extremely contagious dampness. And then he bethought him of +steam-pipes. These, he remembered, could lie hundreds of feet deep in +water, and still retain sufficient heat to drive the water away in vapor; +and as a result of this thought the haunted room was heated by steam to a +withering degree, and the heir for six months attended daily the Turkish +baths, so that when Christmas Eve came he could himself withstand the +awful temperature of the room. + +The scheme was only partially successful. The water ghost appeared at the +specified time, and found the heir of Harrowby prepared; but hot as the +room was, it shortened her visit by no more than five minutes in the hour, +during which time the nervous system of the young master was wellnigh +shattered, and the room itself was cracked and warped to an extent which +required the outlay of a large sum of money to remedy. And worse than +this, as the last drop of the water ghost was slowly sizzling itself out +on the floor, she whispered to her would-be conqueror that his scheme +would avail him nothing, because there was still water in great plenty +where she came from, and that next year would find her rehabilitated and +as exasperatingly saturating as ever. + +It was then that the natural action of the mind, in going from one extreme +to the other, suggested to the ingenious heir of Harrowby the means by +which the water ghost was ultimately conquered, and happiness once more +came within the grasp of the house of Oglethorpe. + +The heir provided himself with a warm suit of fur under-clothing. Donning +this with the furry side in, he placed over it a rubber garment, +tightfitting, which he wore just as a woman wears a jersey. On top of this +he placed another set of under-clothing, this suit made of wool, and over +this was a second rubber garment like the first. Upon his head he placed a +light and comfortable diving helmet, and so clad, on the following +Christmas Eve he awaited the coming of his tormentor. + +It was a bitterly cold night that brought to a close this twenty-fourth +day of December. The air outside was still, but the temperature was below +zero. Within all was quiet, the servants of Harrowby Hall awaiting with +beating hearts the outcome of their master's campaign against his +supernatural visitor. + +The master himself was lying on the bed in the haunted room, clad as has +already been indicated, and then-- + +The clock clanged out the hour of twelve. + +There was a sudden banging of doors, a blast of cold air swept through the +halls, the door leading into the haunted chamber flew open, a splash was +heard, and the water ghost was seen standing at the side of the heir of +Harrowby, from whose outer dress there streamed rivulets of water, but +whose own person deep down under the various garments he wore was as dry +and as warm as he could have wished. + +"Ha!" said the young master of Harrowby. "I'm glad to see you." + +"You are the most original man I've met, if that is true," returned the +ghost. "May I ask where did you get that hat?" + +"Certainly, madam," returned the master, courteously. "It is a little +portable observatory I had made for just such emergencies as this. But, +tell me, is it true that you are doomed to follow me about for one mortal +hour--to stand where I stand, to sit where I sit?" + +"That is my delectable fate," returned the lady. + +"We'll go out on the lake," said the master, starting up. + +"You can't get rid of me that way," returned the ghost. "The water won't +swallow me up; in fact, it will just add to my present bulk." + +"Nevertheless," said the master, firmly, "we will go out on the lake." + +"But, my dear sir," returned the ghost, with a pale reluctance, "it is +fearfully cold out there. You will be frozen hard before you've been out +ten minutes." + +"Oh no, I'll not," replied the master. "I am very warmly dressed. Come!" +This last in a tone of command that made the ghost ripple. + +And they started. + +They had not gone far before the water ghost showed signs of distress. + +"You walk too slowly," she said. "I am nearly frozen. My knees are so +stiff now I can hardly move. I beseech you to accelerate your step." + +"I should like to oblige a lady," returned the master, courteously, "but +my clothes are rather heavy, and a hundred yards an hour is about my +speed. Indeed, I think we would better sit down here on this snowdrift, +and talk matters over." + +"Do not! Do not do so, I beg!" cried the ghost. "Let me move on. I feel +myself growing rigid as it is. If we stop here, I shall be frozen stiff." + +"That, madam," said the master slowly, and seating himself on an +ice-cake--"that is why I have brought you here. We have been on this spot +just ten minutes, we have fifty more. Take your time about it, madam, but +freeze, that is all I ask of you." + +"I cannot move my right leg now," cried the ghost, in despair, "and my +overskirt is a solid sheet of ice. Oh, good, kind Mr. Oglethorpe, light a +fire, and let me go free from these icy fetters." + +"Never, madam. It cannot be. I have you at last." + +"Alas!" cried the ghost, a tear trickling down her frozen cheek. "Help me, +I beg. I congeal!" + +"Congeal, madam, congeal!" returned Oglethorpe, coldly. "You have drenched +me and mine for two hundred and three years, madam. To-night you have had +your last drench." + +"Ah, but I shall thaw out again, and then you'll see. Instead of the +comfortably tepid, genial ghost I have been in my past, sir, I shall be +iced-water," cried the lady, threateningly. + +"No, you won't, either," returned Oglethorpe; "for when you are frozen +quite stiff, I shall send you to a cold-storage warehouse, and there shall +you remain an icy work of art forever more." + +"But warehouses burn." + +"So they do, but this warehouse cannot burn. It is made of asbestos and +surrounding it are fire-proof walls, and within those walls the +temperature is now and shall forever be 416 degrees below the zero point; +low enough to make an icicle of any flame in this world--or the next," the +master added, with an ill-suppressed chuckle. + +"For the last time let me beseech you. I would go on my knees to you, +Oglethorpe, were they not already frozen. I beg of you do not doo--" + +Here even the words froze on the water ghost's lips and the clock struck +one. There was a momentary tremor throughout the ice-bound form, and the +moon, coming out from behind a cloud, shone down on the rigid figure of a +beautiful woman sculptured in clear, transparent ice. There stood the +ghost of Harrowby Hall, conquered by the cold, a prisoner for all time. + +The heir of Harrowby had won at last, and to-day in a large storage house +in London stands the frigid form of one who will never again flood the +house of Oglethorpe with woe and sea-water. + +As for the heir of Harrowby, his success in coping with a ghost has made +him famous, a fame that still lingers about him, although his victory took +place some twenty years ago; and so far from being unpopular with the fair +sex, as he was when we first knew him, he has not only been married twice, +but is to lead a third bride to the altar before the year is out. + + + + +THE SPECTRE COOK OF BANGLETOP + + +I + +For the purposes of this bit of history, Bangletop Hall stands upon a +grassy knoll on the left bank of the River Dee, about eighteen miles +from the quaint old city of Chester. It does not in reality stand there, +nor has it ever done so, but consideration for the interests of the +living compels me to conceal its exact location, and so to befog the +public as to its whereabouts that its identity may never be revealed to +its disadvantage. It is a rentable property, and were it known that it +has had a mystery connected with it of so deep, dark, and eerie a nature +as that about to be related, I fear that its usefulness, save as an +accessory to romance, would be seriously impaired, and that as an +investment it would become practically worthless. + +The hall is a fair specimen of the architecture which prevailed at the +time of Edward the Confessor; that is to say, the main portion of the +structure, erected in Edward's time by the first Baron Bangletop, has +that square, substantial, stony aspect which to the eye versed in +architecture identifies it at once as a product of that enlightened era. +Later owners, the successive Barons Bangletop, have added to its original +dimensions, putting Queen Anne wings here, Elizabethan ells there, and an +Italian-Renaissance facade on the river front. A Wisconsin water tower, +connected with the main building by a low Gothic alleyway, stands to the +south; while toward the east is a Greek chapel, used by the present +occupant as a store-room for his wife's trunks, she having lately +returned from Paris with a wardrobe calculated to last through the first +half of the coming London season. Altogether Bangletop Hall is an +impressive structure, and at first sight gives rise to various emotions +in the aesthetic breast; some cavil, others admire. One leading architect +of Berlin travelled all the way from his German home to Bangletop Hall to +show that famous structure to his son, a student in the profession which +his father adorned; to whom he is said to have observed that, +architecturally, Bangletop Hall was "cosmopolitan and omniperiodic, and +therefore a liberal education to all who should come to study and master +its details." In short, Bangletop Hall was an object-lesson to young +architects, and showed them at a glance that which they should ever +strive to avoid. + +Strange to say, for quite two centuries had Bangletop Hall remained +without a tenant, and for nearly seventy-five years it had been in the +market for rent, the barons, father and son, for many generations having +found it impossible to dwell within its walls, and for a very good reason: +no cook could ever be induced to live at Bangletop for a longer period +than two weeks. Why the queens of the kitchen invariably took what is +commonly known as French leave no occupant could ever learn, because, male +or female, the departed domestics never returned to tell, and even had +they done so, the pride of the Bangletops would not have permitted them to +listen to the explanation. The Bangletop escutcheon was clear of blots, no +suspicion even of a conversational blemish appearing thereon, and it was +always a matter of extreme satisfaction to the family that no one of its +scions since the title was created had ever been known to speak directly +to any one of lesser rank than himself, communication with inferiors being +always had through the medium of a private secretary, himself a baron, or +better, in reduced circumstances. + +The first cook to leave Bangletop under circumstances of a Gallic +nature--that is, without known cause, wages, or luggage--had been employed +by Fitzherbert Alexander, seventeenth Baron of Bangletop, through Charles +Mortimor de Herbert, Baron Peddlington, formerly of Peddlington Manor at +Dunwoodie-on-the-Hike, his private secretary, a handsome old gentleman of +sixty-five, who had been deprived of his estates by the crown in 1629 +because he was suspected of having inspired a comic broadside published in +those troublous days, and directed against Charles the First, which had +set all London in a roar. + +This broadside, one of very few which are not preserved in the British +Museum--and a greater tribute to its rarity could not be devised--was +called, "A Good Suggestion as to ye Proper Use of ye Chinne Whisker," and +consisted of a few lines of doggerel printed beneath a caricature of the +king, with the crown hanging from his goatee, reading as follows: + +"_Ye King doth sporte a gallous grey goatee +Uponne ye chinne, where every one may see. +And since ye Monarch's head's too small to holde +With comfort to himselfe ye crowne of gold, +Why not enwax and hooke ye goatee rare, +And lette ye British crown hang down from there?_" + +[Illustration] + +Whether or no the Baron of Peddlington was guilty of this traitorous +effusion no one, not even the king, could ever really make up his mind. +The charge was never fully proven, nor was De Herbert ever able to refute +it successfully, although he made frantic efforts to do so. The king, +eminently just in such matters, gave the baron the benefit of the doubt, +and inflicted only half the penalty prescribed, confiscating his estates, +and letting him keep his head and liberty. De Herbert's family begged the +crown to reverse the sentence, permitting them to keep the estates, the +king taking their uncle's head in lieu thereof, he being unmarried and +having no children who would mourn his loss. But Charles was poor rather +than vindictive at this period, and preferring to adopt the other course, +turned a deaf ear to the petitioners. This was probably one of the +earliest factors in the decadence of literature as a pastime for men of +high station. + +De Herbert would have starved had it not been for his old friend Baron +Bangletop, who offered him the post of private secretary, lately made +vacant by the death of the Duke of Algeria, who had been the incumbent of +that office for ten years, and in a short time the Baron of Peddlington +was in full charge of the domestic arrangements of his friend. It was far +from easy, the work that devolved upon him. He was a proud, haughty man, +used to luxury of every sort, to whom contact with those who serve was +truly distasteful; to whom the necessity of himself serving was most +galling; but he had the manliness to face the hardships Fate had put upon +him, particularly when he realized that Baron Bangletop's attitude towards +servants was such that he could with impunity impose on the latter seven +indignities for every one that was imposed on him. Misery loves company, +particularly when she is herself the hostess, and can give generously of +her stores to others. + +Desiring to retrieve his fallen fortunes, the Baron of Peddlington offered +large salaries to those whom he employed to serve in the Bangletop menage, +and on payday, through an ingenious system of fines, managed to retain +almost seventy-five per cent of the funds for his own use. Of this Baron +Bangletop, of course, could know nothing. He was aware that under De +Herbert the running expenses of his household were nearly twice what they +had been under the dusky Duke of Algeria; but he also observed that +repairs to the property, for which the late duke had annually paid out +several thousands of pounds sterling, with very little to show for it, now +cost him as many hundreds with no fewer tangible results. So he winked his +eye--the only unaristocratic habit he had, by-the-way--and said nothing. +The revenue was large enough, he had been known to say, to support himself +and all his relatives in state, with enough left over to satisfy even Ali +Baba and the forty thieves. + +Had he foreseen the results of his complacency in financial matters, I +doubt if he would have persisted therein. + +For some ten years under De Herbert's management everything went smoothly +and expensively for the Bangletop Hall people, and then there came a +change. The Baron Bangletop rang for his breakfast one morning, and his +breakfast was not. The cook had disappeared. Whither or why she had gone, +the private secretary professed to be unable to say. That she could easily +be replaced, he was certain. Equally certain was it that Baron Bangletop +stormed and raved for two hours, ate a cold breakfast--a thing he never +had been known to do before--and then departed for London to dine at the +club until Peddlington had secured a successor to the departed cook, which +the private secretary succeeded in doing within three days. The baron was +informed of his manager's success, and at the end of a week returned to +Bangletop Hall, arriving there late on a Saturday night, hungry as a bear, +and not too amiable, the king having negotiated a forcible loan with him +during his sojourn in the metropolis. + +"Welcome to Bangletop, Baron," said De Herbert, uneasily, as his employer +alighted from his coach. + +"Blast your welcome, and serve the dinner," returned the baron, with a +somewhat ill grace. + +At this the private secretary seemed much embarrassed. "Ahem!" he said. +"I'll be very glad to have the dinner served, my dear Baron; but the fact +is I--er--I have been unable to provide anything but canned lobster and +apples." + +[Illustration] + +"What, in the name of Chaucer, does this mean?" roared Bangletop, who was +a great admirer of the father of English poetry; chiefly because, as he +was wont to say, Chaucer showed that a bad speller could be a great man, +which was a condition of affairs exactly suited to his mind, since in the +science of orthography he was weak, like most of the aristocrats of his +day. "I thought you sent me word you had a cook?" + +"Yes, Baron, I did; but the fact of the matter is, sir, she left us last +night, or, rather, early this morning." + +"Another one of your beautiful Parisian exits, I presume?" sneered the +baron, tapping the floor angrily with his toe. + +"Well, yes, somewhat so; only she got her money first." + +"Money!" shrieked the baron. "Money! Why in Liverpool did she get her +money? What did we owe her money for? Rent?" + +"No, Baron; for services. She cooked three dinners." + +"Well, you'll pay the bill out of your perquisites, that's all. She's done +no cooking for me, and she gets no pay from me. Why do you think she +left?" + +"She said--" + +"Never mind what she said, sir," cried Bangletop, cutting De Herbert +short. "When I am interested in the table-talk of cooks, I'll let you +know. What I wish to hear is what do _you_ think was the cause of her +leaving?" + +"I have no opinion on the subject," replied the private secretary, with +becoming dignity. "I only know that at four o'clock this morning she +knocked at my door, and demanded her wages for four days, and vowed she'd +stay no longer in the house." + +"And why, pray, did you not inform me of the fact, instead of having me +travel away down here from London?" queried Bangletop. + +"You forget, Baron," replied De Herbert, with a deprecatory gesture--"you +forget that there is no system of telegraphy by which you could be +reached. I may be poor, sir, but I'm just as much of a baron as you are, +and I will take the liberty of saying right here, in what would be the +shadow of your beard, if you had one, sir, that a man who insists on +receiving cable messages when no such things exist is rather rushing +business." + +"Pardon my haste, Peddlington, old chap," returned the baron, softening. +"You are quite right. My desire was unreasonable; but I swear to you, by +all my ancestral Bangletops, that I am hungry as a pit full of bears, and +if there's one thing I can't eat, it is lobster and apples. Can't you +scare up a snack of bread and cheese and a little cold larded fillet? If +you'll supply the fillet, I'll provide the cold." + +At this sally the Baron of Peddlington laughed and the quarrel was over. +But none the less the master of Bangletop went to bed hungry; nor could he +do any better in the morning at breakfast-time. The butler had not been +trained to cook, and the coachman's art had once been tried on a boiled +egg, which no one had been able to open, much less eat, and as it was the +parlor-maid's Sunday off, there was absolutely no one in the house who +could prepare a meal. The Baron of Bangletop had a sort of sneaking notion +that if there were nobody around he could have managed the spit or +gridiron himself; but, of course, in view of his position, he could not +make the attempt. And so he once more returned to London, and vowed never +to set his foot within the walls of Bangletop Hall again until his +ancestral home was provided with a cook "copper-fastened and riveted to +her position." + +And Bangletop Hall from that time was as a place deserted. The baron never +returned, because he could not return without violating his oath; for De +Herbert was not able to obtain a cook for the Bangletop cuisine who would +stay, nor was any one able to discover why. Cook after cook came, stayed a +day, a week, and one or two held on for two weeks, but never longer. Their +course was invariably the same--they would leave without notice; nor could +any inducement be offered which would persuade them to remain. The Baron +of Peddlington became, first round-shouldered, then deaf, and then insane +in his search for a permanent cook, landing finally in an asylum, where he +died, four years after the demise of his employer in London, of softening +of the brain. His last words were, "Why did you leave your last place?" + +[Illustration] + +And so time went on. Barons of Bangletop were born, educated, and died. +Dynasties rose and fell, but Bangletop Hall remained uninhabited, although +it was not until 1799 that the family gave up all hopes of being able to +use their ancestral home. Tremendous alterations, as I have already +hinted, were made. The drainage was carefully inspected, and a special +apartment connected with the kitchen, finished in hardwood, handsomely +decorated, and hung with rich tapestries, was provided for the cook, in +the vain hope that she might be induced permanently to occupy her +position. The Queen Anne wing and Elizabethan ell were constructed, the +latter to provide bowling-alleys and smoking-rooms for the probable +cousins of possible culinary queens, and many there were who accepted the +office with alacrity, throwing it up with still greater alacrity before +the usual fortnight passed. Then the Bangletops saw clearly that it was +impossible for them to live there, and moving away, the house was +announced to be "for rent, with all modern improvements, conveniently +located, spacious grounds, especially adapted to the use of those who do +their own cooking." The last clause of the announcement puzzled a great +many people, who went to see the mansion for no other reason than to +ascertain just what the announcement meant, and the line, which was +inserted in a pure spirit of facetious bravado, was probably the cause of +the mansion's quickly renting, as hardly a month had passed before it was +leased for one year by a retired London brewer, whose wife's curiosity had +been so excited by the strange wording of the advertisement that she +travelled out to Bangletop to gratify it, fell in love with the place, and +insisted upon her husband's taking it for a season. The luck of the brewer +and his wife was no better than that of the Bangletops. Their cooks--and +they had fourteen during their stay there--fled after an average service +of four days apiece, and later the tenants themselves were forced to give +up and return to London, where they told their friends that the "'all was +'aunted," which might have filled the Bangletops with concern had they +heard of it. They did not hear of it, however, for they and their friends +did not know the brewer and the brewer's friends, and as for complaining +to the Bangletop agent in the matter, the worthy beer-maker thought he +would better not do that, because he had hopes of being knighted some day, +and he did not wish to antagonize so illustrious a family as the +Bangletops by running down their famous hall--an antagonism which might +materially affect the chances of himself and his good wife when they came +to knock at the doors of London society. The lease was allowed to run its +course, the rent was paid when due, and at the end of the stipulated term +Bangletop Hall was once more on the lists as for rent. + + +II + +For fourscore years and ten did the same hard fortune pursue the owners of +Bangletop. Additions to the property were made immediately upon request of +possible lessees. The Greek chapel was constructed in 1868 at the mere +suggestion of a Hellenic prince, who came to England to write a history of +the American rebellion, finding the information in back files of British +newspapers exactly suited to the purposes of picturesque narrative, and no +more misleading than most home-made history. Bangletop was retired, "far +from the gadding crowd," as the prince put it, and therefore just the +place in which a historian of the romantic school might produce his +_magnum opus_ without disturbance; the only objection being that there was +no place whither the eminently Christian sojourner could go to worship +according to his faith, he being a communicant in the Greek Church. This +defect Baron Bangletop immediately remedied by erecting and endowing the +chapel; and his youngest son, having been found too delicate morally for +the army, was appointed to the living and placed in charge of the chapel, +having first embraced with considerable ardor the faith upon which the +soul of the princely tenant was wont to feed. All of these +improvements--chapel, priest, the latter's change of faith, and all--the +Bangletop agent put at the exceedingly low sum of forty-two guineas per +annum and board for the priest; an offer which the prince at once +accepted, stipulating, however, that the lease should be terminable at any +time he or his landlord should see fit. Against this the agent fought +nobly, but without avail. The prince had heard rumors about the cooks of +Bangletop, and he was wary. Finally the stipulation was accepted by the +baron, with what result the reader need hardly be told. The prince stayed +two weeks, listened to one sermon in classic university Greek by the +youthful Bangletop, was deserted by his cook, and moved away. + +After the departure of the prince the estate was neglected for nearly +twenty-two years, the owner having made up his mind that the case was +hopeless. At the end of that period there came from the United States a +wealthy shoemaker, Hankinson J. Terwilliger by name, chief owner of the +Terwilliger Three-dollar Shoe Company (Limited), of Soleton, +Massachusetts, and to him was leased Bangletop Hall, with all its rights +and appurtenances, for a term of five years. Mr. Terwilliger was the first +applicant for the hall as a dwelling to whom the agent, at the instance of +the baron, spoke in a spirit of absolute candor. The baron was well on in +years, and he did not feel like getting into trouble with a Yankee, so he +said, at his time of life. The hall had been a thorn in his flesh all his +days, and he didn't care if it was never occupied, and therefore he wished +nothing concealed from a prospective tenant. It was the agent's candor +more than anything else that induced Mr. Terwilliger to close with him for +the term of five years. He suspected that the Bangletops did not want him +for a tenant, and from the moment that notion entered his head, he was +resolved that he would be a tenant. + +"I'm as good a man as any baron that ever lived," he said; "and if it +pleases Hankinson J. Terwilliger to live in a baronial hall, a baronial +hall is where Hankinson J. Terwilliger puts up." + +"We certainly have none of the feeling which your words seem to attribute +to us, my dear sir," the agent had answered. "Baron Bangletop would feel +highly honored to have so distinguished a sojourner in England as yourself +occupy his estate, but he does not wish you to take it without fully +understanding the circumstances. Desirable as Bangletop Hall is, it seems +fated to be unoccupied because it is thought to be haunted, or something +of that sort, the effect of which is to drive away cooks, and without +cooks life is hardly an ideal." + +Mr. Terwilliger laughed. "Ghosts and me are not afraid of each other," he +said. "'Let 'em haunt,' I say; and as for cooks, Mrs. H.J.T. hasn't had a +liberal education for nothing. We could live if all the cooks in creation +were to go off in a whiff. We have daughters too, we have. Good smart +American girls, who can adorn a palace or grace a hut on demand, not +afraid of poverty, and able to take care of good round dollars. They can +play the piano all the morning and cook dinner all the afternoon if +they're called on to do it; so your difficulties ain't my difficulties. +I'll take the hall at your figures; term, five years; and if the baron'll +come down and spend a month with us at any time, I don't care when, we'll +show him what a big lap Luxury can get up when she tries." + +And so it happened the New York papers announced that Hankinson J. +Terwilliger, Mrs. Terwilliger, the Misses Terwilliger, and Master +Hankinson J. Terwilliger, Jun., of Soleton, Massachusetts, had plunged +into the dizzy whirl of English society, and that the sole of the +three-dollar shoe now trod the baronial halls of the Bangletops. Later it +was announced that the Misses Terwilliger, of Bangletop Hall, had been +presented to the queen; that the Terwilligers had entertained the Prince +of Wales at Bangletop; in fact, the Terwilligers became an important +factor in the letters of all foreign correspondents of American papers, +for the president of the Terwilliger Three-dollar Shoe Company, of +Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), was now in full possession of the +historic mansion, and was living up to his surroundings. + +For a time everything was plain sailing for the Americans at Bangletop. +The dire forebodings of the agent did not seem to be fulfilled, and Mr. +Terwilliger was beginning to feel aggrieved. He had hired a house with a +ghost, and he wanted the use of it; but when he reflected upon the +consequences below stairs, he held his peace. He was not so sure, after he +had stayed at Bangletop awhile, and had had his daughters presented to the +queen, that he could be so independent of cooks as he had at first +supposed. Several times he had hinted rather broadly that some of the old +New England homemade flap-jacks would be most pleasing to his palate; but +since the prince had spent an afternoon on the lawn of Bangletop, the +young ladies seemed deeply pained at the mere mention of their +accomplishments in the line of griddles and batter; nor could Mrs. +Terwilliger, after having tasted the joys of aristocratic life, bring +herself to don the apron which so became her portly person in the early +American days, and prepare for her lord and master one of those delicious +platters of poached eggs and breakfast bacon, the mere memory of which +made his mouth water. In short, palatial surroundings had too obviously +destroyed in his wife and daughters all that capacity for happiness in a +hovel of which Mr. Terwilliger had been so proud, and concerning which he +had so eloquently spoken to Baron Bangletop's agent, and he now found +himself in the position of Damocles. The hall was leased for a term, +entertainment had been provided for the county with lavish hand; but +success was dependent entirely upon his ability to keep a cook, his family +having departed from their republican principles, and the history of the +house was dead against a successful issue. So he decided that, after all, +it was better that the ghost should be allowed to remain quiescent, and he +uttered no word of complaint. + +It was just as well, too, that Mr. Terwilliger held his peace, and +refrained from addressing a complaining missive to the agent of Bangletop +Hall; for before a message of that nature could have reached the person +addressed, its contents would have been misleading, for at a quarter after +midnight on the morning of the date set for the first of a series of grand +banquets to the county folk, there came from the kitchen of Bangletop Hall +a quick succession of shrieks that sent the three Misses Terwilliger into +hysterics, and caused Hankinson J. Terwilliger's sole remaining lock to +stand erect. Mrs. Terwilliger did not hear the shrieks, owing to a lately +acquired habit of hearing nothing that proceeded from below stairs. + +The first impulse of Terwilliger _pere_ was to dive down under the +bedclothes, and endeavor to drown the fearful sound by his own labored +breathing, but he never yielded to first impulses. So he awaited the +second, which came simultaneously with a second series of shrieks and a +cry for help in the unmistakable voice of the cook; a lady, by-the-way, +who had followed the Terwilliger fortunes ever since the Terwilligers +began to have fortunes, and whose first capacity in the family had been +the dual one of mistress of the kitchen and confidante of madame. The +second impulse was to arise in his might, put on a stout pair of the +Terwilliger three-dollar brogans--the strongest shoe made, having been +especially devised for the British Infantry in the Soudan--and garments +suitable to the occasion, namely, a mackintosh and pair of broadcloth +trousers, and go to the rescue of the distressed domestic. This Hankinson +J. Terwilliger at once proceeded to do, arming himself with a pair of +horse-pistols, murmuring on the way below a soft prayer, the only one he +knew, and which, with singular inappropriateness on this occasion, began +with the words, "Now I lay me down to sleep." + +"What's the matter, Judson?" queried Mrs. Terwilliger, drowsily, as she +opened her eyes and saw her husband preparing for the fray. + +She no longer called him Hankinson, not because she did not think it a +good name, nor was it less euphonious to her ear than Judson, but Judson +was Mr. Terwilliger's middle name, and middle names were quite the thing, +she had observed, in the best circles. It was doubtless due to this +discovery that her visiting cards had been engraved to read "Mrs. H. +Judson-Terwilliger," the hyphen presumably being a typographical error, +for which the engraver was responsible. + +[Illustration] + +"Matter enough," growled Hankinson. "I have reason to believe that that +jackass of a ghost is on duty to-night." + +At the word ghost a pseudo-aristocratic shriek pervaded the atmosphere, +and Mrs. Terwilliger, forgetting her social position for a moment, groaned +"Oh, Hank!" and swooned away. And then the president of the Terwilliger +Three-dollar Shoe Company of Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), descended +to the kitchen. + +Across the sill of the kitchen door lay the culinary treasure whose +lobster croquettes the Prince of Wales had likened unto a dream of +Lucullus. Within the kitchen were signs of disorder. Chairs were upset; +the table was lying flat on its back, with its four legs held rigidly up +in the air; the kitchen library, consisting of a copy of _Marie +Antoinette's Dream-Book_; a yellow-covered novel bearing the title _Little +Lucy; or, The Kitchen-maid who Became a Marchioness_; and _Sixty Soups, by +One who Knows_, lay strewn about the room, the _Dream-Book_ sadly torn, +and _Little Lucy_ disfigured forever with batter. Even to the unpractised +eye it was evident that something had happened, and Mr. Terwilliger felt a +cold chill mounting his spine three sections at a time. Whether it was the +chill or his concern for the prostrate cook that was responsible or not I +cannot say, but for some cause or other Mr. Terwilliger immediately got +down on his knees, in which position he gazed fearfully about him for a +few minutes, and then timidly remarked, "Cook!" + +There was no answer. + +"Mary, I say. Cook," he whispered, "what the deuce is the meaning of all +this?" + +[Illustration] + +A low moan was all that came from the cook, nor would Hankinson have +listened to more had there been more to hear, for simultaneously with the +moan he became uncomfortably conscious of a presence. In trying to +describe it afterwards, Hankinson said that at first he thought a cold +draught from a dank cavern filled with a million eels, and a rattlesnake +or two thrown in for luck, was blowing over him, and he avowed that it was +anything but pleasant; and then it seemed to change into a mist drawn +largely from a stagnant pool in a malarial country, floating through which +were great quantities of finely chopped sea-weed, wet hair, and an +indescribable atmosphere of something the chief quality of which was a +sort of stale clamminess that was awful in its intensity. + +"I'm glad," Mr. Terwilliger murmured to himself, "that I ain't one of +those delicately reared nobles. If I had anything less than a right-down +regular republican constitution I'd die of fright." + +And then his natural grit came to his rescue, and it was well it did, for +the presence had assumed shape, and now sat on the window-ledge in the +form of a hag, glaring at him from out of the depths of her unfathomable +eyes, in which, despite their deadly greenness, there lurked a tinge of +red caused by small specks of that hue semioccasionally seen floating +across her dilated pupils. + +"You are the Bangletop ghost, I presume?" said Terwilliger, rising and +standing near the fire to thaw out his system. + +The spectre made no reply, but pointed to the door. + +"Yes," Terwilliger said, as if answering a question. "That's the way out, +madame. It's a beautiful exit, too. Just try it." + +"H'I knows the wi out," returned the spectre, rising and approaching the +tenant of Bangletop, whose solitary lock also rose, being too polite to +remain seated while the ghost walked. "H'I also knows the wi in, 'Ankinson +Judson Terwilliger." + +"That's very evident, madame, and between you and me I wish you didn't," +returned Hankinson, somewhat relieved to hear the ghost talk, even if her +voice did sound like the roar of a conch-shell with a bad case of grip. "I +may say to you that, aside from a certain uncanny satisfaction which I +feel at being permitted for the first time in my life to gaze upon the +linaments of a real live misty musty spook, I regard your coming here as +an invasion of the sacred rights of privacy which is, as you might say, +'hinexcusable.'" + +[Illustration] + +"Hinvaision?" retorted the ghost, snapping her fingers in his face with +such effect that his chin dropped until Terwilliger began to fear it might +never resume its normal position. "Hinvaision? H'I'd like to know 'oo's +the hinvaider. H'I've occupied these 'ere 'alls for hover two 'undred +years." + +"Then it's time you moved, unless perchance you are the ghost of a +mediaeval porker," Hankinson said, his calmness returning now that he had +succeeded in plastering his iron-gray lock across the top of his otherwise +bald head. "Of course, if you are a spook of that kind you want the earth, +and maybe you'll get it." + +"H'I'm no porker," returned the spectre. "H'I'm simply the shide of a poor +abused cook which is hafter revenge." + +"Ah!" ejaculated Terwilliger, raising his eyebrows, "this is getting +interesting. You're a spook with a grievance, eh? Against me? I've never +wronged a ghost that I know of." + +"No, h'I've no 'ard feelinks against you, sir," answered the ghost. "Hin +fact h'I don't know nothink about you. My trouble's with them Baingletops, +and h'I'm a-pursuin' of 'em. H'I've cut 'em out of two 'undred years of +rent 'ere. They might better 'ave pide me me waiges hin full." + +"Oho!" cried Terwilliger; "it's a question of wages, is it? The Bangletops +were hard up?" + +"'Ard up? The Baingletops?" laughed the ghost. "When they gets 'ard up the +Baink o' Hengland will be in all the sixty soups mentioned in that there +book." + +"You seem to be up in the vernacular," returned Terwilliger, with a smile. +"I'll bet you are an old fraud of a modern ghost." + +Here he discharged all six chambers of his pistol into the body of the +spectre. + +"No taikers," retorted the ghost, as the bullets whistled through her +chest, and struck deep into the wall on the other side of the kitchen. +"That's a noisy gun you've got, but you carn't ly a ghost with cold lead +hany more than you can ly a corner-stone with a chicken. H'I'm 'ere to sty +until I gets me waiges." + +[Illustration] + +"What was the amount of your wages due at the time of your discharge?" +asked Hankinson. + +"H'I was gettin' ten pounds a month," returned the spectre. + +"Geewhittaker!" cried Terwilliger, "you must have been an all-fired fine +cook." + +"H'I was," assented the ghost, with a proud smile. "H'I cooked a boar's +'ead for 'is Royal 'Ighness King Charles when 'e visited Baingletop 'All +as which was the finest 'e hever taisted, so 'e said, hand 'e'd 'ave +knighted me hon the spot honly me sex wasn't suited to the title. 'You +carn't make a knight out of a woman,' says the king, 'but give 'er my +compliments, and tell 'er 'er monarch says as 'ow she's a cook as is too +good for 'er staition.'" + +"That was very nice," said Terwilliger. "No one could have desired a +higher recommendation than that." + +"My words hexackly when the baron's privit secretary told me two dys +laiter as 'ow the baron's heggs wasn't done proper," said the ghost. "H'I +says to 'im, says I: 'The baron's heggs be blowed. My monarch's hopinion +is worth two of any ten barons's livin', and Mister Baingletop,' (h'I +allus called 'im mister when 'e was ugly,) 'can get 'is heggs cooked +helsewhere if 'e don't like the wy h'I boils 'em.' Hand what do you +suppose the secretary said then?" + +"I give it up," replied Terwilliger. "What?" + +"'E said as 'ow h'I 'ad the big 'ead." + +"How disgusting of him!" murmured Terwilliger. "That was simply low." + +"Hand then 'e accuged me of bein' himpudent." + +"No!" + +"'E did, hindeed; hand then 'e discharged me without me waiges. Hof course +h'I wouldn't sty after that; but h'I says to 'im, 'Hif I don't get me py, +h'I'll 'aunt this place from the dy of me death;' hand 'e says, ''Aunt +awy.'" + +"And you have kept your word." + +"H'I 'ave that! H'I've made it 'ot for 'em, too." + +"Well, now, look here," said Terwilliger, "I'll tell you what I'll do. +I'll pay you your wages if you'll go back to Spookland and mind your own +business. Ten pounds isn't much when three-dollar shoes cost fifteen cents +a pair and sell like hot waffles. Is it a bargain?" + +"H'I was sent off with three months' money owin' me," said the ghost. + +"Well, call it thirty pounds, then," replied Terwilliger. + +"With hinterest--compound hinterest at six per cent.--for two 'undred and +thirty years," said the ghost. + +"Phew!" whistled Terwilliger. "Have you any idea how much money that is?" + +"Certingly," replied the ghost. "Hit's just 63,609,609 pounds 6 shillings +4-1/2 pence. When h'I gets that, h'I flies; huntil I gets it h'I stys 'ere +an' I 'aunts." + +"Say," said Terwilliger, "haven't you been chumming with an Italian ghost +named Shylock over on the other shore?" + +"Shylock!" said the ghost. "No, h'I've never 'eard the naime. Perhaps 'e's +stoppin' at the hother place." + +"Very likely," said Terwilliger. "He is an eminent saint alongside of you. +But I say now, Mrs. Spook, or whatever your name is, this is rubbing it +in, to try to collect as much money as that, particularly from me, who +wasn't to blame in any way, and on whom you haven't the spook of a claim." + +"H'I'm very sorry for you, Mr. Terwilliger," said the ghost. "But my vow +must be kept sacrid." + +"But why don't you come down on the Bangletops up in London, and squeeze +it out of them?" + +"H'I carn't. H'I'm bound to 'aunt this 'all, an' that's hall there is +about it. H'I carn't find a better wy to ly them Baingletops low than by +attachin' of their hincome, hand the rent of this 'all is the honly bit of +hincome within my reach." + +"But I've leased the place for five years," said Terwilliger, in despair; +"and I've paid the rent in advance." + +"Carn't 'elp it," returned the ghost. "Hif you did that, hit's your own +fault." + +"I wouldn't have done it, except to advertise my shoe business," said +Terwilliger, ruefully. "The items in the papers at home that arise from my +occupancy of this house, together with the social cinch it gives me, are +worth the money; but I'm hanged if it's worth my while to pay back +salaries to every grasping apparition that chooses to rise up out of the +moat and dip his or her clammy hand into my surplus. The shoe trade is a +blooming big thing, but the profits aren't big enough to divide with tramp +ghosts." + +"Your tone is very 'aughty, 'Ankinson J. Terwilliger, but it don't haffeck +me. H'I don't care 'oo pys the money, an' h'I 'aven't got you into this +scripe. You've done that yourself. Hon the other 'and, sir, h'I've showed +you 'ow to get out of it." + +"Well, perhaps you're right," returned Hankinson. "I can't say I blame you +for not perjuring yourself, particularly since you've been dead long +enough to have discovered what the probable consequences would be. But I +do wish there was some other way out of it. _I_ couldn't pay you all that +money without losing a controlling interest in the shoe company, and +that's hardly worth my while, now is it?" + +"No, Mr. Terwilliger; hit is not." + +"I have a scheme," said Hankinson, after a moment or two of deep thought. +"Why don't you go back to the spirit world and expose the Bangletops +there? They have spooks, haven't they?" + +"Yes," replied the ghost, sadly. "But the spirit world his as bad as this +'ere. The spook of a cook carn't reach the spook of a baron there hany +more than a scullery-maid can reach a markis 'ere. H'I tried that when the +baron died and came over to the hother world, but 'e 'ad 'is spook +flunkies on 'and to tell me 'e was hout drivin' with the ghost of William +the Conqueror and the shide of Solomon. H'I knew 'e wasn't, but what could +h'I do?" + +"It was a mean game of bluff," said Terwilliger. "I suppose, though, if +you were the shade of a duchess, you could simply knock Bangletop silly?" + +"Yes, and the Baron of Peddlington too. 'E was the private secretary as +said h'I 'ad the big 'ead." + +"H'm!" said Terwilliger, meditatively. "Would you--er--would you consent +to retire from this haunting business of yours, and give me a receipt for +that bill for wages, interest and all, if I had you made over into the +spook of a duchess? Revenge is sweet, you know, and there are some +revenges that are simply a thousand times more balmy than riches." + +"Would h'I?" ejaculated the ghost, rising and looking at the clock. "Would +h'I?" she repeated. "Well, rather. If h'I could enter spook society as a +duchess, you can wager a year's hincome them Bangletops wouldn't be hin +it." + +"Good! I am glad to see that you are a spook of spirit. If you had veins, +I believe there'd be sporting blood in them." + +"Thainks," said the ghost, dryly. "But 'ow can it hever be did?" + +"Leave that to me," Terwilliger answered. "We'll call a truce for two +weeks, at the end of which time you must come back here, and we'll settle +on the final arrangements. Keep your own counsel in the matter, and don't +breathe a word about your intentions to anybody. Above all, keep sober." + +"H'I'm no cannibal," retorted the ghost. + +"Who said you were?" asked Terwilliger. + +"You intimated as much," said the ghost, with a smile. "You said as 'ow I +must keep sober, and 'ow could I do hotherwise hunless I swallered some +spirits?" + +Terwilliger laughed. He thought it was a pretty good joke for a +ghost--especially a cook's ghost--and then, having agreed on the hour of +midnight one fortnight thence for the next meeting, they shook hands and +parted. + +"What was it, Hankinson?" asked Mrs. Terwilliger, as her husband crawled +back into bed. "Burglars?" + +"Not a burglar," returned Hankinson. "Nothing but a ghost--a poor, old, +female ghost." + +"Ghost!" cried Mrs. Terwilliger, trembling with fright. "In this house?" + +"Yes, my dear. Haunted us by mistake, that's all. Belongs to another place +entirely; got a little befogged, and came here without intending to, +that's all. When she found out her mistake, she apologized, and left." + +[Illustration] + +"What did she have on?" asked Mrs. Terwilliger, with a sigh of relief. + +But the president of the Three-dollar Shoe Company, of Soleton, +Massachusetts (Limited), said nothing. He had dropped off into a profound +slumber. + + +III + +For the next two weeks Terwilliger lived in a state of preoccupation that +worried his wife and daughters to a very considerable extent. They were +afraid that something had happened, or was about to happen, in connection +with the shoe corporation; and this deprived them of sleep, particularly +the elder Miss Terwilliger, who had danced four times at a recent ball +with an impecunious young earl, whom she suspected of having intentions. +Ariadne was in a state of grave apprehension, because she knew that much +as the earl might love her, it would be difficult for them to marry on his +income, which was literally too small to keep the roof over his head in +decent repair. + +But it was not business troubles that occupied every sleeping and waking +thought of Hankinson Judson Terwilliger. His mind was now set upon the +hardest problem it had ever had to cope with, that problem being how to so +ennoble the spectre cook of Bangletop that she might outrank the ancestors +of his landlord in the other world--the shady world, he called it. The +living cook had been induced to remain partly by threats and partly by +promises of increased pay; the threats consisting largely of expressions +of determination to leave her in England, thousands of miles from her home +in Massachusetts, deserted and forlorn, the poor woman being +insufficiently provided with funds to get back to America, and holding in +her veins a strain of Celtic blood quite large enough to make the idea of +remaining an outcast in England absolutely intolerable to her. At the end +of seven days Terwilliger was seemingly as far from the solution of his +problem as ever, and at the grand fete given by himself and wife on the +afternoon of the seventh day of his trial, to the Earl of Mugley, the one +in whom Ariadne was interested, he seemed almost rude to his guests, which +the latter overlooked, taking it for the American way of entertaining. It +is very hard for a shoemaker to entertain earls, dukes, and the plainest +kind of every-day lords under ordinary circumstances; but when, in +addition to the duties of host, the maker of soles has to think out a +recipe for the making of an aristocrat out of a deceased plebe, a polite +drawing-room manner is hardly to be expected. Mr. Terwilliger's manner +remained of the kind to be expected under the circumstances, neither +better nor worse, until the flunky at the door announced, in stentorian +tones, "The Hearl of Mugley." + +The "Hearl" of Mugley seemed to be the open sesame to the door betwixt +Terwilliger and success. Simultaneously with the entrance of the earl +the solution of his problem flashed across the mind of the master of +Bangletop, and his affronting demeanor, his preoccupation and all +disappeared in an instant. Indeed, so elegantly enthusiastic was his +reception of the earl that Lady Maud Sniffles, on the other side of the +room, whispered in the ear of the Hon. Miss Pottleton that Mugley's +creditors were in luck; to which the Hon. Miss Pottleton, whose smiles +upon the nobleman had been returned unopened, curved her upper lip +spitefully, and replied that they were indeed, but she didn't envy +Ariadne that pompous little error of nature's, the earl. + +"Howdy do, Earl?" said Terwilliger. "Glad to see you looking so well. +How's your mamma?" + +"The countess is in her usual state of health, Mr. Terwilliger," returned +the earl. + +"Ain't she coming this afternoon?" + +"I really can't say," answered Mugley. "I asked her if she was coming, and +all she did was to call for her salts. She's a little given to +fainting-spells, and the slightest shock rather upsets her." + +And then the earl turned on his heel and sought out the fair Ariadne, +while Terwilliger, excusing himself, left the assemblage, and went +directly to his private office in the crypt of the Greek chapel. Arrived +there, he seated himself at his desk and wrote the following formal card, +which he put in an envelope and addressed to the Earl of Mugley: + +[Illustration] + +"If the Earl of Mugley will call at the private office of Mr. H. Judson +Terwilliger at once, he will not only greatly oblige Mr. H. Judson +Terwilliger, but may also hear of something to his advantage." + +The card written, Terwilliger summoned an attendant, ordered a quantity of +liqueurs, whiskey, sherry, port, and lemon squash for two to be brought to +the office, and then sent his communication to the earl. + +Now the earl was a great stickler for etiquette, and he did not at all +like the idea of one in his position waiting upon one of Mr. Terwilliger's +rank, or lack of rank, and, at first thought, he was inclined to ignore +the request of his host, but a combination of circumstances served to +change his resolution. He so seldom heard anything to his advantage that, +for mere novelty's sake, he thought he would do as he was asked; but the +question of his dignity rose up again, and shoving the note into his +pocket he tried to forget it. After five minutes he found he could not +forget it, and putting his hand into the pocket for the missive, meaning +to give it a second reading, he drew out another paper by mistake, which +was, in brief, a reminder from a firm of London lawyers that he owed +certain clients of theirs a few thousands of pounds for the clothing that +had adorned his back for the last two years, and stating that proceedings +would be begun if at the expiration of three months the account was not +paid in full. The reminder settled it. The Earl of Mugley graciously +concluded to grant Mr. H. Judson Terwilliger an audience in the private +office under the Greek chapel. + +"Sit down, Earl, and have a cream de mint with me," said Terwilliger, as +the earl, four minutes later, entered the apartment. + +"Thanks," returned the earl. "Beautiful color that," he added, pleasantly, +smacking his lips with satisfaction as the soft green fluid disappeared +from the glass into his inner earl. + +"Fine," said Terwilliger. "Little unripe, perhaps, but pleasant to the +eye. I prefer the hue of the Maraschino, myself. Just taste that +Maraschino, Earl. It's A1; thirty-six dollars a case." + +"You wanted to see me about some matter of interest to both of us, I +believe, Mr. Terwilliger," said the earl, declining the proffered +Maraschino. + +"Well, yes," returned Terwilliger. "More of interest to you, perhaps, than +to me. The fact is, Earl, I've taken quite a shine to you, so much of a +one in fact, that I've looked you up at a commercial agency, and H. J. +Terwilliger never does that unless he's mightily interested in a man." + +"I--er--I hope you are not to be prejudiced against me," the earl said, +uneasily, "by--er--by what those cads of tradesmen say about me." + +"Not a bit," returned Terwilliger--"not a bit. In fact, what I've +discovered has prejudiced me in your favor. You are just the man I've been +looking for for some days. I've wanted a man with three A blood and three +Z finances for 'most a week now, and from what I gather from Burke and +Bradstreet, you fill the bill. You owe pretty much everybody from your +tailor to the collector of pew rents at your church, eh?" + +"I've been unfortunate in financial matters," returned the earl; "but I +have left the family name untarnished." + +"So I believe, Earl. That's what I admire about you. Some men with your +debts would be driven to drink or other pastimes of a more or less +tarnishing nature, and I admire you for the admirable restraint you have +put upon yourself. You owe, I am told, about twenty-seven thousand +pounds." + +"My secretary has the figures, I believe," said the earl, slightly bored. + +"Well, we'll say thirty thousand in round figures. Now what hope have you +of ever paying that sum off?" + +"None--unless I--er--well, unless I should be fortunate enough to secure a +rich wife." + +"Precisely; that is exactly what I thought," rejoined Terwilliger. +"Marriage is your only asset, and as yet that is hardly negotiable. Now I +have called you here this afternoon to make a proposition to you. If you +will marry according to my wishes I will give you an income of five +thousand pounds a year for the next five years." + +"I don't quite understand you," the earl replied, in a disappointed tone. +It was evident that five thousand pounds per annum was too small a figure +for his tastes. + +"I think I was quite plain," said Terwilliger, and he repeated his offer. + +"I certainly admire the lady very much," said the earl; "but the +settlement of income seems very small." + +Terwilliger opened his eyes wide with astonishment. "Oh, you admire the +lady, eh?" he said. "Well, there is no accounting for tastes." + +"You surprise me slightly," said the earl, in response to this remark. +"The lady is certainly worthy of any man's admiration. She is refined, +cultivated, beautiful, and----" + +"Ahem!" said Terwilliger. "May I ask, my dear Earl, to whom you refer?" + +"To Ariadne, of course. I thought your course somewhat unusual, but we do +not pretend to comprehend you Americans over here. Your proposition is +that I shall marry Ariadne?" + +I hesitate to place on record what Terwilliger said in answer to this +statement. It was forcible rather than polite, and the earl from that +moment adopted a new simile for degrees of profanity, substituting "to +swear like an American" for the old forms having to do with pirates and +troopers. The string of expletives was about five minutes in length, at +the end of which time Terwilliger managed to say: + +"No such d---- proposition ever entered my mind. I want you to marry a +cold, misty, musty spectre, nothing more or less, and I'll tell you why." + +And then he proceeded to tell the Earl of Mugley all that he knew of the +history of Bangletop Hall, concluding with a narration of his experiences +with the ghost cook. + +"My rent here," he said, in conclusion, "is five thousand pounds per +annum. The advertising I get out of the fact of my being here and swelling +it with you nabobs is worth twenty-five thousand pounds a year, and I'm +willing to pay, in good hard cash, twenty per cent of that amount rather +than be forced to give up. Now here's your chance to get an income without +an encumbrance and stave off your creditors. Marry the spook, so that she +can go back to the spirit land a countess and make it hot for the +Bangletops, and don't be so allfired proud. She'll be disappointed enough +I can tell you, when I inform her that an earl was the best I could do, +the promised duke not being within reach. If she says earls are drugs in +the market, I won't be able to deny it; and, after all, my lad, a good +cook is a greater blessing in this world than any earl that ever lived, +and a blamed sight rarer." + +[Illustration] + +"Your proposition is absolutely ridiculous, Mr. Terwilliger," replied the +earl. "I'd look well marrying a draught from a dark cavern, as you call +it, now wouldn't I? To say nothing of the impossibility of a Mugley +marrying a cook. I cannot entertain the proposition." + +"You'll find you can't entertain anything if you don't watch out," fumed +Terwilliger, in return. + +"I'm not so sure about that," replied the earl, haughtily, sipping his +lemon squash. "I fancy Miss Ariadne is not entirely indifferent to me." + +"Well, you might just as well understand on this 18th day of July, 18--, +as any other time, that my daughter Ariadne never becomes the Earless of +Mugley," said Terwilliger, in a tone of exasperation. + +"Not even when her father considers the commercial value of such an +alliance for his daughter?" retorted the earl, shaking his finger in +Terwilliger's face. "Not even when the President of the Three-dollar Shoe +Company, of Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), considers the advertising +sure to result from a marriage between his house and that of Mugley, with +presents from her majesty the queen, the Duke of York acting as best man, +and telegrams of congratulation from the crowned heads of Europe pouring +in at the rate of two an hour for half as many hours as there are +thrones?" + +Terwilliger turned pale. + +The picture painted by the earl was terribly alluring. + +He hesitated. + +He was lost. + +"Mugley," he whispered, hoarsely--"Mugley, I have wronged you. I thought +you were a fortune-hunter. I see you love her. Take her, my boy, and pass +me the brandy." + +"Certainly, Mr. Terwilliger," replied the earl, affably. "And then, if +you've no objection, you may pass it back, and I'll join you in a +thimbleful myself." + +And then the two men drank each other's health in silence, which was +prolonged for at least five minutes, during which time the earl and his +host both appeared to be immersed in deep thought. + +"Come," said Terwilliger at last. "Let us go back to the drawing-room, or +they'll miss us, and, by-the-way, you might speak of that little matter to +Ariadne to-night. It'll help the fall trade to have the engagement +announced." + +"I will, Mr. Terwilliger," returned the earl, as they started to leave the +room; "but I say, father-in-law elect," he whispered, catching +Terwilliger's coat sleeve and drawing him back into the office for an +instant, "you couldn't let me have five pounds on account this evening, +could you?" + + +Two minutes later Terwilliger and the earl appeared in the drawing-room, +the former looking haggard and worn, his eyes feverishly bright, and his +manner betraying the presence of disturbing elements in his nerve centres; +the latter smiling more affably than was consistent with his title, and +jingling a number of gold coins in his pocket, which his intimate friend +and old college chum, Lord Dufferton, on the other side of the room, +marvelled at greatly, for he knew well that upon the earl's arrival at +Bangletop Hall an hour before his pockets were as empty as a flunky's +head. + + +IV + +Terwilliger's time was almost up. The hour for his interview with the +spectre cook of Bangletop was hardly forty-eight hours distant, and he +was wellnigh distracted. No solution of the problem seemed possible since +the earl had so peremptorily declined to fall in with his plan. He was +glad the earl had done so, for otherwise he would have been denied the +tremendous satisfaction which the consummation of an alliance between his +own and one of the oldest and noblest houses of England was about to give +him, not to mention the commercial phase of the situation, which had been +so potent a factor in bringing the engagement about; for Ariadne had said +yes to the earl that same night, and the betrothal was shortly to be +announced. It would have been announced at once, only the earl felt that +he should break the news himself first to his mother, the countess--an +operation which he dreaded, and for which he believed some eight or ten +weeks of time were necessary. + +"What is the matter, Judson?" Mrs. Terwilliger asked finally, her husband +was growing so careworn of aspect. + +"Nothing, my dear, nothing." + +"But there is something, Judson, and as your wife I demand to know what it +is. Perhaps I can help you." + +And then Mr. Terwilliger broke down, and told the whole story to Mrs. +Terwilliger, omitting no detail, stopping only to bring that worthy lady +to on the half-dozen or more occasions when her emotions were too strong +for her nerves, causing her to swoon. When he had quite done, she looked +him reproachfully in the eye, and said that if he had told her the truth +instead of deceiving her on the night of the spectral visitation, he might +have been spared all his trouble. + +"For you know, Judson," she said, "I have made a study of the art of +acquiring titles. Since I read the story of the girl who started in life +as an innkeeper's daughter and died a duchess, by Elizabeth Harley Hicks, +of Salem, and realized how one might be lowly born and yet rise to lofty +heights, it has been my dearest wish that my girls might become +noblewomen, and at times, Judson, I have even hoped that you might yet +become a duke." + +"Great Scott!" ejaculated Terwilliger. "That would be awful. Hankinson, +Duke of Terwilliger! Why, Molly, I'd never be able to hold up my head in +shoe circles with a name on me like that." + +[Illustration] + +"Is there nothing in the world but shoes, Judson?" asked his wife, +seriously. + +"You'll find shoes are the foundation upon which society stands," chuckled +Terwilliger in return. + +"You are never serious," returned Mrs. Terwilliger; "but now you must be. +You are coping with the supernatural. Now I have discovered," continued +the lady, "that there are three methods by which titles are +acquired--birth, marriage, and purchase." + +"You forget the fourth--achievement," suggested Terwilliger. + +"Not these days, Judson. It used to be so, but it is not so now. Now the +spectre hasn't birth, we can't get any living duke to marry her, dead +dukes are hard to find, so there's nothing to do but to buy her a title." + +"But where?" + +"In Italy. You can get 'em by the dozen. Every hand-organ grinder in +America grinds away in the hope of going back to Italy and purchasing a +title. Why can't you do the same?" + +"Me? Me grind a hand-organ in America?" cried Hankinson. + +"No, no; purchase a dukedom." + +"I don't want a dukedom; I want a duchessdom." + +"That's all right. Buy the title, give it to the cook, and let her marry +some spectre of her own rank; she can give him the title; and there you +are!" + +"Good scheme!" cried Terwilliger. "But I say, Molly, don't you think it +would be better to get her to bring the spectre over here, and have me +give him the title, and then let him marry her here?" + +"No, I don't. If you give it to him first, the chances are he would go +back on his bargain. He'd say that, being a duke, he couldn't marry a +cook." + +"You have a large mind, Molly," said Terwilliger. + +"I know men!" snapped Mrs. Terwilliger. + +And so it happened. Hankinson Judson Terwilliger applied by wire to the +authorities in Rome for all right, title, and interest in one dukedom, +free from encumbrances, irrevocable, and duly witnessed by the proper +dignitaries of the Italian government, and at the second interview with +the spectre cook of Bangletop, he was able to show her a cablegram +received from the Eternal City stating that the papers would be sent upon +receipt of the applicant's check for one hundred lire. + +"'Ow much his that?" asked the ghost. + +"One hundred lire?" returned Terwilliger, repeating the sum to gain time +to think. He was himself surprised at the cheapness of the duchy, and he +was afraid that if the ghost knew its real value she would decline to take +it. "One hundred lire? Why, that's about 750,000 dollars--150,000 pounds. +They charge high for their titles," he added, blushing slightly. + +"Pretty 'igh," returned the ghost. "But h'I carn't be a duke, ye know. +'Ow'll I manidge that?" + +Hankinson explained his wife's scheme to the spectre. + +"That's helegant," said she. "H'I've loved a butler o' the Bangletops for +nigh hon to two 'undred years, but, some'ow or hother, he's kep' shy o' +me. This'll fix 'im. But h'I say, Mr. Terwilliger, his one o' them +Heyetalian dukes as good as a Henglish one?" + +"Every bit," said Terwilliger. "A duke's a duke the world over. Don't you +know the lines of Burns, 'A duke's a duke for a' that'?" + +"Never 'eard of 'im," replied the ghost. + +"Well, you look him up when you get settled down at home. He was a smart +man here, and, if his ghost does him justice, you'll be mighty glad to +know him," Terwilliger answered. + +And thus was Bangletop Hall delivered of its uncanny visitor. The ducal +appointment, entitling its owner to call himself "Duke of Cavalcadi," was +received in due time, and handed over to the curse of the kitchen, who +immediately disappeared, and permanently, from the haunts that had known +her for so long and so disadvantageously. Bangletop Hall is now the home +of a happy family, to whom all are devoted, and from whose _menage_ no +cook has ever been known to depart, save for natural causes, despite all +that has gone before. + +[Illustration] + +Ariadne has become Countess of Mugley, and Mrs. Terwilliger is content +with her Judson, whom, however, she occasionally calls Duke of Cavalcadi, +claiming that he is the representative of that ancient and noble family on +earth. As for Judson, he always smiles when his wife calls him Duke, but +denies the titular impeachment, for he is on good terms with his landlord, +whose admiration for his tenant's wholly unexpected ability to retain his +cook causes him to regard him as a supernatural being, and therefore +worthy of a Bangletop's regard. + +"All of which," Terwilliger says to Mrs. Terwilliger, "might not be so, my +dear, were I really the duke, for I honestly believe that if there is a +feud of long standing anywhere in the universe, it is between the noble +families of Bangletop and Cavalcadi over on the other shore." + + + + +THE SPECK ON THE LENS + +"Talking about inventions," said the oculist, as he very dexterously +pocketed two of the pool balls, the handsome ringer, more familiarly known +as the fifteen ball, and the white ball itself, thereby adding somewhat to +the minus side of his string--"talking about inventions, I had a curious +experience last August. It was an experience which was not only +interesting from an inventive point of view, but it had likewise a moral, +which, will become more or less obvious as I unfold the story. + +"You know I rented and occupied a place in Yonkers last summer. It was +situated on the high lands to the north of the city, a little this side of +Greystone, overlooking that magnificent stream, the Hudson, the +ever-varying beauties of which so few of the residents along its banks +really appreciate. It was a comfortable spot, with a few trees about it, a +decent-sized garden--large enough to raise a tomato or two for a +Sunday-night salad--and a lawn which was a cure for sore eyes, its soft, +sheeny surface affording a most restful object upon which to feast the +tired optic. I believe it was that lawn that first attracted me as I drove +by the place with a patient I had in tow. It was just after a heavy +shower, and the sun breaking through the clouds and lighting up the +rain-soaked grass gave to it a glistening golden greenness that to my eyes +was one of the most beautiful and soul-satisfying bits of color I had seen +in a long time. 'Oh, for a summer of that!' I said to myself, little +thinking that the beginning of a summer thereof _was_ to fall to my lot +before many days--for on May 1st I signed papers which made me to all +intents and purposes proprietor of the place for the ensuing six months. + +"At one corner of the grounds stood, I should say, a dozen apple-trees, +the spreading branches of which seemed to form a roof for a sort of +enchanted bower, in which, you may be sure, I passed many of my leisure +hours, swinging idly in a hammock, the cool breezes from the Hudson, +concerning which so many people are sceptical, but which nevertheless +exist, bringing delight to the ear and nostril as well as to the 'fevered +brow,' which is so fashionable in the neighborhood of New York in the +summer, making the leaves rustle in a tuneful sort of fashion, and laden +heavily with the sweet odors of many a garden close over which they passed +before they got to me." + +"Put that in rhyme, doctor, and there's your poem," said the lieutenant, +as he made a combination scratch involving every ball on the table. + +"I'll do it," said the doctor; "and then I'll have it printed as Appendix +J to the third edition of my work on _Sixty Astigmatisms, and How to +Acquire Them_. But to get back to my story," he continued. "I was lying +there in my hammock one afternoon trying to take a census of the +butterflies in sight, when I thought I heard some one back of me call me +by name. Instantly the butterfly census was forgotten, and I was on the +alert; but--whether there was something the matter with my eyes or not, I +do not know--despite all my alertness, there wasn't a soul in sight that I +could see. Of course, I was slightly mystified at first, and then I +attributed the interruption either to imagination or to some passer-by, +whose voice, wafted on the breeze, might have reached my ears. I threw +myself back into the hammock once more, and was just about dozing off to +the lullaby sung by a bee to the accompaniment of the rustling leaves, +when I again heard my name distinctly spoken. + +"This time there was no mistake about it, for as I sprang to my feet and +looked about, I saw coming towards me a man of unpleasantly cadaverous +aspect, whose years, I should judge, were at least eighty in number. His +beard was so long and scant that, to keep the breezes from blowing it +about to his discomfort, he had tucked the ends of it into his vest +pocket; his eyes, black as coals, were piercing as gimlets, their +sharpness equalled by nothing that I had ever seen, excepting perhaps the +point of this same person's nose, which was long and thin, suggesting a +razor with a bowie point; his slight body was clad in sombre garb, and at +first glance he appeared to me so disquietingly like a visitor from the +supernatural world that I shuddered; but when he spoke, his voice was all +gentleness, and whatever of fear I had experienced was in a moment +dissipated. + +"'You are Doctor Carey?' he said, in a timid sort of fashion. + +"'Yes,' I replied; 'I am. What can I do for you?' + +"'The distinguished oculist?' he added, as if not hearing my question. + +"'Well, I'm a sort of notorious eye-doctor,' I answered, my well-known +modesty preventing my entire acquiescence in his manner of putting it. + +"He smiled pleasantly as I said this, and then drew out of his coat-tail +pocket a small tin box, which, until he opened it, I supposed contained a +drinking-cup--one of those folding tin cups. + +"'Doctor Carey,' said he, sitting down in the hammock which I had vacated, +and toying with the tin box--a proceeding that was so extraordinarily cool +that it made me shiver--'I have been looking for you for just sixty-three +mortal years.' + +"'Excuse me,' I returned, as nonchalantly as I could, considering the fact +that I was beginning to be annoyed--'excuse me, but that statement seems +to indicate that I was born famous, which I'm inclined to doubt. Inasmuch +as I am not yet fifty years old, I cannot understand how it has come to +pass that you have been looking for me for sixty-three years.' + +"'Nevertheless, my statement was correct,' said he. 'I have been looking +for you for sixty-three years, but not for you as you.' + +"This made me laugh, although it added slightly to my nervousness, which +was now beginning to return. To have a man with a tin box in his hand tell +me he had been looking for me for thirteen years longer than I had lived, +and then to have him add that it was not, however, me as myself that he +wanted, was amusing in a sense, and yet I could not help feeling that it +would be a relief to know that the tin box did hold a drinking-cup, and +not dynamite. + +"'You seem to speak English,' I said, in answer to this remark, 'and I +have always thought I understood that language pretty well, but you'll +excuse me if I say that I don't see your point.' + +"'Why is it that great men are so frequently obtuse?' he said, languidly, +giving the ground such a push with his toe that it set the hammock +swinging furiously. 'When I say that I have searched for you all these +years, but not for you as you, I mean not for you as Dr. Carey, not for +you as an individual, but for you as the possessor of a very rare eye.' + +"'Go on,' I said, feebly, and rubbed my forehead, thinking perhaps my +brains had got into a tangle, and were responsible for this extraordinary +affair. 'What is the peculiar quality which makes my eye so rare?' + +"'There is only one pair of eyes like them in the world, that I know of,' +said the stranger, 'and I have visited all lands in search of them and +experimented with all kinds of eyes.' + +"'And I am the proud possessor of that pair?' I queried, becoming slightly +more interested. + +"'Not you,' said he. 'You and I together possess that pair, however.' + +"'You and I?' I cried. + +"'Yes,' said he. 'Your left eye and my right have the honor of being the +only two unique eyes in the world.' + +"'That's queer too,' I observed, a mixture of sarcasm and flippancy in my +tones, I fear. 'You mean twonique, don't you?' + +"The old gentleman drew himself up with dignity, made a gesture of +impatience, and remarked that if I intended to be flippant he would leave +me. Of course I would not hear of this, now that my curiosity had been +aroused, and so I apologized. + +"'Don't mention it,' he said. 'But, my dear doctor, you cannot imagine my +sensations when I found your eye yesterday.' + +"'Oh! You found it yesterday, did you?' I put in. + +"'Yes,' he said. 'On Forty-third Street.' + +"'I was on Forty-third Street yesterday,' I replied, 'but really I was not +conscious of the loss of my eye.' + +"'Nobody said you had lost it,' said my visitor. 'I only said I had found +it. I mean by that that I found it as Columbus found America. America was +not necessarily lost before it was found. I had the good fortune to be +passing through the street as you left your club. I glanced into your face +as I passed, caught sight of your eye, and my heart stood still. There at +last was that for which I had so long and so earnestly searched, and so +overcome was I with joy at my discovery that I seemed to lose all power of +speech, of locomotion, or of sane thought, and not until you had passed +entirely out of sight did I return really to my senses. Then I rushed +madly into the club-house I had seen you leave a few moments before, +described you to the man at the door, learned your name and address, +and--well, here I am.' + +"'And what does all this extraordinary nonsense lead up to?' I asked. +'What do you intend to do about my eye? Do you wish to borrow it, buy it, +or steal it?' + +"'Doctor Carey,' said my visitor, sadly, 'I shall not live very long. I +have reason to believe that another summer will find me in my grave, and I +do not want to die without imparting to the world the news of a marvellous +discovery I have made--the details of a wonderful invention that I have +not only conceived, but have actually put into working order. _I_, an +unknown man--too old to be able to refute the charge of senility were any +one disposed to question the value of my statements--could announce to the +world my great discovery a thousand times a day, and very properly the +world would decline to believe in me. The world would cry humbug, and I +should have been unable, had I failed to find you, to convince the world +that I was not a humbug. With the discovery of your eye, all that is +changed. I shall have an ally in you, and that is valuable for the reason +that your statements, whatever they may be, will always be entitled to and +will receive respectful attention. Here in this box is my invention. I +shall let you discover its marvellous power for yourself, hoping that when +you have discovered its power, you will tell the world of it, and of its +inventor.' + +"With that," said the doctor, "the old fellow handed me the tin box, which +I opened with considerable misgivings as to possible results. There was no +explosion, however. The cover came off easily enough, and on the inside +was a curiously shaped telescope, not a drinking-cup, as I had at first +surmised. + +"'Why, it's a telescope, isn't it?' I said. + +"'Yes. What did you suppose it was?' he asked. + +"'I hadn't an idea,' I replied, not exactly truthfully. 'But it can't be +good for much in this shape,' I added, for, as I pulled the parts out and +got it to its full length, I found that each section was curved, and that +the whole formed an arc, which, though scarcely perceptible, nevertheless +should, it seemed to me, have interfered with the utility of the +instrument. + +"'That's the point I want you to establish one way or the other,' said my +visitor, getting up out of the hammock, and pacing nervously up and down +the lawn. 'To my eye that telescope is a marvel, and is the result of +years of experiment. It fulfils my expectations, and if your eye is what I +think it is, I shall at last have found another to whom it will appear the +treasure it appears to me to be. You have a tower on your house, I see. +Let us go up on the roof of the tower, and test the glass. Then we shall +see if I claim too much for it.' + +"The earnestness of the old gentleman interested me hugely, and I led the +way through the garden to the house, up the tower stairs to the roof, and +then standing there, looking across the river at the Palisades looming up +like a huge fortress before me, I put the telescope to my eye. + +"'I see absolutely nothing,' I said, after vainly trying to fathom the +depths of the instrument. + +"'Alas!' began the old gentleman; and then he laughed, nervously. 'You are +using the wrong eye. Try the other one. It is your left eye that has the +power to show the virtues of this glass.' + +"I obeyed his order, and then a most singular thing happened. Strange +sights met my gaze. At first I could see nothing but the Palisades +opposite me, but in an instant my horizon seemed to broaden, the vista +through the telescope deepened, and before I knew it my sight was +speeding, now through a beautiful country, over fields, hills, and +valleys; then on through great cities, out to and over a broad, gently +undulating stretch which I at once recognized as the prairie lands of the +west. In a minute more I began to catch the idea of this wonderful glass, +for I now saw rising up before me the wonderful beauties of the Yosemite, +and then, like a flash of the lightning, my vision passed over the Sierra +Nevada range, my eye swept down upon San Francisco, and was soon speeding +over the waters of the Pacific. + +"Two minutes later I saw the strange pagodas of the Chinese rising before +me. Sweeping my glass to the north, bleak Siberia met my gaze; then to the +south I saw India, her jungles, her waste places. Not long after, a most +awful sight met my gaze. I saw a huge ship at the moment of foundering in +the Indian Ocean. Horrified, I turned my glass again to the north, and the +minarets of Stamboul rose up before me; then the dome of St. Peter's at +Rome; then Paris; then London; then the Atlantic Ocean. I levelled my +glass due west, and finally I could see nothing but one small, black +speck--as like to a fleck of dust as to anything else--on the lens at the +other end. With a movement of my hand, I tried to wipe it off, but it +still remained, and, in answer to a chuckle at my side, I put the glass +down. + +"'It is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw,' I said. + +"'Yes, it is,' said the other. + +"'One can almost see around the world with it,' I cried, breathless nearly +with enthusiasm. + +"'One can--quite,' said the inventor, calmly. + +"'Nonsense!' I said. 'Don't claim too much, my friend.' + +"'It is true,' said he. 'Did you notice a speck on the glass? I am sure +you did, for you tried to remove it.' + +"'Yes,' said I, 'I did. But what of it? What does that signify?' + +"'It proves what I said,' he answered. 'You did see all the way around the +world with that glass. The black spot on the lens that you thought was a +piece of dust was the back of your own head.' + +"'Nonsense, my boy! The back of my head is bigger than that,' I said. + +"'Certainly it is,' he responded; 'but you must make some allowance for +perspective. The back of your head is a trifle less than twenty-four +thousand miles from the end of your nose the way you were looking at it.'" + +"You mean to say--" began the lieutenant, as the doctor paused to chalk +his cue. + +"Never mind what I mean to say," said the doctor. "Reflect upon what I +have said." + +"But the man and the telescope--what became of them?" asked the +lieutenant. + +"I was about to tell you that. The old fellow who had made this marvellous +glass, which to two eyes that he knew of, and to only two, would work as +was desired, feeling that he was about to die, had come to me to offer the +glass for sale on two considerations. One was a consideration of $25. The +other was that I would leave no stone unturned to discover a possible +third person younger than myself with an eye similar to those we had, to +whom at my death the glass should be transmitted, exacting from him the +promise that he too would see that it was passed along in the same manner +into the hands of posterity. I was also to acquaint the world with the +story of the glass and the name of its inventor to the fullest extent +possible." + +"And you, of course, accepted?" + +"I did," said the doctor; "but having no money in my pocket, I went down +into the house to borrow it of my wife, and upon my return to the roof, +found no trace of the glass, the old man, or the roof either." + +"What!" cried the lieutenant. "Are you crazy?" + +"No," smiled the doctor. "Not at all. For the moment I reached the roof of +the house, I opened my eyes, and found myself still swinging in the +hammock under the trees." + +"And the moral?" queried the lieutenant. "You promised a moral, or I +should not have listened." + +"Always have money in your pocket," replied the doctor, pocketing the last +ball, and putting up his cue. "Then you are not apt to lose great bargains +such as I lost for the want of $25." + +"It's a good idea," returned the lieutenant. "And you live up to it, I +suppose?" + +"I do," returned the oculist, tapping his pocket significantly. "Always!" + +"Then," said the lieutenant, earnestly, "I wish you'd lend me a tenner, +for really, doctor, I have gone clean broke." + + + + +A MIDNIGHT VISITOR + +I do not assert that what I am about to relate is in all its particulars +absolutely true. Not, understand me, that it is not true, but I do not +feel that I care to make an assertion that is more than likely to be +received by a sceptical age with sneers of incredulity. I will content +myself with a simple narration of the events of that evening, the memory +of which is so indelibly impressed upon my mind, and which, were I able to +do so, I should forget without any sentiments of regret whatsoever. + +The affair happened on the night before I fell ill of typhoid fever, and +is about the sole remaining remembrance of that immediate period left to +me. Briefly the story is as follows: + +Notwithstanding the fact that I was overworked in the practice of my +profession--it was early in March, and I was preparing my contributions +for the coming Christmas issues of the periodicals for which I write--I +had accepted the highly honorable position of Entertainment Committeeman +at one of the small clubs to which I belonged. I accepted the office, +supposing that the duties connected with it were easy of performance, and +with absolutely no notion that the faith of my fellow-committeemen in my +judgment was so strong that they would ultimately manifest a desire to +leave the whole programme for the club's diversion in my hands. This, +however, they did; and when the month of March assumed command of the +calendar I found myself utterly fagged out and at my wits' end to know +what style of entertainment to provide for the club meeting to be held on +the evening of the 15th of that month. I had provided already an unusually +taking variety of evenings, of which one in particular, called the +"Martyrs' Night," in which living authors writhed through selections from +their own works, while an inhuman audience, every man of whom had suffered +even as the victims then suffered, sat on tenscore of camp-stools puffing +the smoke of twenty-five score of free cigars into their faces, and +gloating over their misery, was extremely successful, and had gained for +me among my professional brethren the enviable title of "Machiavelli +Junior." This performance, in fact, was the one now uppermost in the minds +of the club members, having been the most recent of the series; and it had +been prophesied by many men whose judgment was unassailable that no man, +not even I, could ever conceive of anything that could surpass it. +Disposed at first to question the accuracy of a prophecy to the effect +that I was, like most others of my kind, possessed of limitations, I came +finally to believe that perhaps, after all, these male Cassandras with +whom I was thrown were right. Indeed, the more I racked my brains to think +of something better than the "Martyrs' Night," the more I became convinced +that in that achievement I had reached the zenith of my powers. The thing +for me to do now was to hook myself securely on to the zenith and stay +there. But how to do it? That was the question which drove sleep from my +eyes, and deprived me for a period of six weeks of my reason, my hair +departing immediately upon the restoration thereof--a not uncommon +after-symptom of typhoid. + +[Illustration] + +It was a typical March night, this one upon which the extraordinary +incident about to be related took place. It was the kind of night that +novelists use when they are handling a mystery that in the abstract would +amount to nothing, but which in the concrete of a bit of wild, weird, and +windy nocturnalism sends the reader into hysterics. It may be--I shall not +attempt to deny it--that had it happened upon another kind of an +evening--a soft, mild, balmy June evening, for instance--my own experience +would have seemed less worthy of preservation in the amber of publicity, +but of that the reader must judge for himself. The fact alone remains that +upon the night when my uncanny visitor appeared, the weather department +was apparently engaged in getting rid of its remnants. There was a large +percentage of withering blast in the general make-up of the evening; there +were rain and snow, which alternated in pattering upon my window-pane and +whitening the apology for a wold that stands three blocks from my flat on +Madison Square; the wind whistled as it always does upon occasions of this +sort, and from all corners of my apartment, after the usual fashion, there +seemed to come sounds of a supernatural order, the effect of which was to +send cold chills off on their regular trips up and down the spine of their +victim--in this instance myself. I wish that at the time the hackneyed +quality of these sensations had appealed to me. That it did not do so was +shown by the highly nervous state in which I found myself as my clock +struck eleven. If I could only have realized at that hour that these +symptoms were the same old threadbare premonitions of the appearance of a +supernatural being, I should have left the house and gone to the club, and +so have avoided the visitation then imminent. Had I done this, I should +doubtless also have escaped the typhoid, since the doctors attributed that +misfortune to the shock of my experience, which, in my then wearied state, +I was unable to sustain--and what the escape of typhoid would have meant +to me only those who have seen the bills of my physician and druggist for +services rendered and prescriptions compounded are aware. That my mind +unconsciously took thought of spirits was shown by the fact that when the +first chill came upon me I arose and poured out for myself a stiff bumper +of old Reserve Rye, which I immediately swallowed; but beyond this I did +not go. I simply sat there before my fire and cudgelled my brains for an +idea whereby my fellow-members at the Gutenberg Club might be amused. How +long I sat there I do not know. It may have been ten minutes; it may have +been an hour--I was barely conscious of the passing of time--but I do know +that the clock in the Dutch Reformed Church steeple at Twenty-ninth Street +and Fifth Avenue was clanging out the first stroke of the hour of midnight +when my door-bell rang. + +Theretofore--if I may be allowed the word--the tintinnabulation of my +door-bell had been invariably pleasing unto me. I am fond of company, +and company alone was betokened by its ringing, since my creditors +gratify their passion for interviews at my office, if perchance they +happen to find me there. But on this occasion--I could not at the moment +tell why--its clanging seemed the very essence of discord. It jangled +with my nervous system, and as it ceased I was conscious of a feeling of +irritability which is utterly at variance with my nature outside of +business hours. In the office, for the sake of discipline, I frequently +adopt a querulous manner, finding it necessary in dealing with +office-boys, but the moment I leave shop behind me I become a different +individual entirely, and have been called a moteless sunbeam by those +who have seen only that side of my character. This, by-the-way, must be +regarded as a confidential communication, since I am at present engaged +in preparing a vest-pocket edition of the philosophical works of +Schopenhauer in words of one syllable, and were it known that the +publisher had intrusted the magnificent pessimism of that illustrious +juggler of words and theories to a "moteless sunbeam" it might seriously +interfere with the sale of the work; and I may say, too, that this +request that my confidence be respected is entirely disinterested, +inasmuch as I declined to do the work on the royalty plan, insisting +upon the payment of a lump sum, considerably in advance. + +But to return. I heard the bell ring with a sense of profound disgust. I +did not wish to see anybody. My whiskey was low, my quinine pills few in +number; my chills alone were present in a profusion bordering upon +ostentation. + +"I'll pretend not to hear it," I said to myself, resuming my work of +gazing at the flickering light of my fire--which, by-the-way, was the only +light in the room. + +"Ting-a-ling-a-ling" went the bell, as if in answer to my resolve. + +"Confound the luck!" I cried, jumping from my chair and going to the door +with the intention of opening it, an intention however which was speedily +abandoned, for as I approached it a sickly fear came over me--a sensation +I had never before known seemed to take hold of my being, and instead of +opening the door, I pushed the bolt to make it the more secure. + +[Illustration] + +"There's a hint for you, whoever you are!" I cried. "Do you hear that bolt +slide, you?" I added, tremulously, for from the other side there came no +reply--only a more violent ringing of the bell. + +"See here!" I called out, as loudly as I could, "who are you, anyhow. What +do you want?" + +There was no answer, except from the bell, which began again. + +"Bell-wire's too cheap to steal!" I called again. "If you want wire, go +buy it; don't try to pull mine out. It isn't mine, anyhow. It belongs to +the house." + +Still there was no reply, only the clanging of the bell; and then my +curiosity overcame my fear, and with a quick movement I threw open the +door. + +"Are you satisfied now?" I said, angrily. But I addressed an empty +vestibule. There was absolutely no one there, and then I sat down on the +mat and laughed. I never was so glad to see no one in my life. But my +laugh was short-lived. + +"What made that bell ring?" I suddenly asked myself, and then the feeling +of fear came upon me again. I gathered my somewhat shattered self +together, sprang to my feet, slammed the door with such force that the +corridors echoed to the sound, slid the bolt once more, turned the key, +moved a heavy chair in front of it, and then fled like a frightened hare +to the sideboard in my dining-room. There I grasped the decanter holding +my whiskey, seized a glass from the shelf, and started to pour out the +usual dram, when the glass fell from my hand, and was shivered into a +thousand pieces on the hardwood floor; for, as I poured, I glanced through +the open door, and there in my sanctum the flicker of a random flame +divulged the form of a being, the eyes of whom seemed fixed on mine, +piercing me through and through. To say that I was petrified but dimly +expresses the situation. I was granitized, and so I remained, until by a +more luminous flicker from the burning wood I perceived that the being +wore a flaring red necktie. + +"He is human," I thought; and with the thought the tension on my nervous +system relaxed, and I was able to feel a sufficiently well-developed sense +of indignation to demand an explanation. "This is a mighty cool proceeding +on your part," I said, leaving the sideboard and walking into the sanctum. + +[Illustration] + +"Yes," he replied, in a tone that made me jump, it was so extremely +sepulchral--a tone that seemed as if it might have been acquired in a damp +corner of some cave off the earth. "But it's a cool evening." + +"I wonder that a man of your coolness doesn't hire himself out to some +refrigerating company," I remarked, with a sneer which would have +delighted the soul of Cassius himself. + +"I have thought of it," returned the being, calmly. "But never went any +further. Summer-hotel proprietors have always outbid the refrigerating +people, and they in turn have been laid low by millionaires, who have +hired me on occasion to freeze out people they didn't like, but who have +persisted in calling. I must confess, though, my dear Hiram, that you are +not much warmer yourself--this greeting is hardly what I expected." + +"Well, if you want to make me warmer," I retorted, hotly, "just keep on +calling me Hiram. How the deuce did you know of that blot on my +escutcheon, anyhow?" I added, for Hiram was one of the crimes of my family +that I had tried to conceal, my parents having fastened the name of Hiram +Spencer Carrington upon me at baptism for no reason other than that my +rich bachelor uncle, who subsequently failed and became a charge upon me, +was so named. + +"I was standing at the door of the church when you were baptized," +returned the visitor, "and as you were an interesting baby, I have kept an +eye on you ever since. Of course I knew that you discarded Hiram as soon +as you got old enough to put away childish things, and since the failure +of your uncle I have been aware that you desired to be known as Spencer +Carrington, but to me you are, always have been, and always will be, +Hiram." + +"Well, don't give it away," I pleaded. "I hope to be famous some day, and +if the American newspaper paragrapher ever got hold of the fact that once +in my life I was Hiram, I'd have to Hiram to let me alone." + +"That's a bad joke, Hiram," said the visitor, "and for that reason I like +it, though I don't laugh. There is no danger of your becoming famous if +you stick to humor of that sort." + +"Well, I'd like to know," I put in, my anger returning--"I'd like to know +who in Brindisi you are, what in Cairo you want, and what in the name of +the seventeen hinges of the gates of Singapore you are doing here at this +time of night?" + +"When you were a baby, Hiram, you had blue eyes," said my visitor. "Bonny +blue eyes, as the poet says." + +"What of it?" I asked. + +"This," replied my visitor. "If you have them now, you can very easily see +what I am doing here. _I am sitting down and talking to you._" + +"Oh, are you?" I said, with fine scorn. "I had not observed that. The fact +is, my eyes were so weakened by the brilliance of that necktie of yours +that I doubt I could see anything--not even one of my own jokes. It's a +scorcher, that tie of yours. In fact, I never saw anything so red in my +life." + +"I do not see why you complain of my tie," said the visitor. "Your own is +just as bad." + +"Blue is never so withering as red," I retorted, at the same time +caressing the scarf I wore. + +"Perhaps not--but--ah--if you will look in the glass, Hiram, you will +observe that your point is not well taken," said my vis-a-vis, calmly. + +I acted upon the suggestion, and looked upon my reflection in the glass, +lighting a match to facilitate the operation. I was horrified to observe +that my beautiful blue tie, of which I was so proud, had in some manner +changed, and was now of the same aggressive hue as was that of my visitor, +red even as a brick is red. To grasp it firmly in my hands and tear it +from my neck was the work of a moment, and then in a spirit of rage I +turned upon my companion. + +"See here," I cried, "I've had quite enough of you. I can't make you out, +and I can't say that I want to. You know where the door is--you will +oblige me by putting it to its proper use." + +[Illustration] + +"Sit down, Hiram," said he, "and don't be foolish and ungrateful. You are +behaving in a most extraordinary fashion, destroying your clothing and +acting like a madman generally. What was the use of ripping up a handsome +tie like that?" + +"I despise loud hues. Red is a jockey's color," I answered. + +"But you did not destroy the red tie," said he, with a smile. "You tore up +your blue one--look. There it is on the floor. The red one you still have +on." + +Investigation showed the truth of my visitor's assertion. That flaunting +streamer of anarchy still made my neck infamous, and before me on the +floor, an almost unrecognizable mass of shreds, lay my cherished cerulean +tie. The revelation stunned me; tears came into my eyes, and trickling +down over my cheeks, fairly hissed with the feverish heat of my flesh. My +muscles relaxed, and I fell limp into my chair. + +"You need stimulant," said my visitor, kindly. "Go take a drop of your Old +Reserve, and then come back here to me. I've something to say to you." + +"Will you join me?" I asked, faintly. + +"No," returned the visitor. "I am so fond of whiskey that I never molest +it. That act which is your stimulant is death to the rye. Never realized +that, did you?" + +"No, I never did," I said, meekly. + +"And yet you claim to love it. Bah!" he said. + +And then I obeyed his command, drained my glass to the dregs, and +returned. "What is your mission?" I asked, when I had made myself as +comfortable as was possible under the circumstances. + +"To relieve you of your woes," he said. + +"You are a homoeopath, I observe," said I, with a sneer. "You are a +homoeopath in theory and an allopath in practice." + +"I am not usually unintelligent," said he. "I fail to comprehend your +meaning. Perhaps you express yourself badly." + +"I wish you'd express yourself for Zulu-land," I retorted, hotly. "What I +mean is, you believe in the _similia similibus_ business, but you +prescribe large doses. I don't believe troubles like mine can be cured on +your plan. A man can't get rid of his stock by adding to it." + +[Illustration] + +"Ah, I see. You think I have added to your troubles?" + +"I don't think so," I answered, with a fond glance at my ruined tie. "I +know so." + +"Well, wait until I have laid my plan before you, and see if you won't +change your mind," said my visitor, significantly. + +"All right," I said. "Proceed. Only hurry. I go to bed early, as a rule, +and it's getting quite early now." + +"It's only one o'clock," said the visitor, ignoring the sarcasm. "But I +will hasten, as I've several other calls to make before breakfast." + +"Are you a milkman?" I asked. + +"You are flippant," he replied. "But, Hiram," he added, "I have come here +to aid you in spite of your unworthiness. You want to know what to provide +for your club night on the 15th. You want something that will knock the +'Martyr's Night' silly." + +"Not exactly that," I replied, "I don't want anything so abominably good +as to make all the other things I have done seem failures. That is not +good business." + +"Would you like to be hailed as the discoverer of genius? Would you like +to be the responsible agent for the greatest exhibition of skill in a +certain direction ever seen? Would you like to become the most famous +_impresario_ the world has ever known?" + +"Now," I said, forgetting my dignity under the enthusiasm with which I was +inspired by my visitor's words, and infected more or less with his +undoubtedly magnetite spirit--"now you're shouting." + +"I thought so, Hiram. I thought so, and that's why I am here. I saw you on +Wall Street to-day, and read your difficulty at once in your eyes, and I +resolved to help you. I am a magician, and one or two little things have +happened of late to make me wish to prestidigitate in public. I knew you +were after a show of some kind, and I've come to offer you my services." + +"Oh, pshaw!" I said. "The members of the Gutenberg Club are men of +brains--not children. Card tricks are hackneyed, and sleight-of-hand shows +pall." + +[Illustration] + +"Do they, indeed?" said the visitor. "Well, mine won't. If you don't +believe it, I'll prove to you what I can do." + +"I have no paraphernalia," I said. + +"Well, I have," said he, and as he spoke, a pack of cards seemed to grow +out of my hands. I must have turned pale at this unexpected happening, for +my visitor smiled, and said: + +"Don't be frightened. That's only one of my tricks. Now choose a card," he +added, "and when you have done so, toss the pack in the air. Don't tell me +what the card is; it alone will fall to the floor." + +"Nonsense!" said I. "It's impossible." + +"Do as I tell you." + +I did as he told me, to a degree only. I tossed the cards in the air +without choosing one, although I made a feint of doing so. + +_Not a card fell back to the floor. They every one disappeared from view +in the ceiling._ If it had not been for the heavy chair I had rolled in +front of the door, I think I should have fled. + +"How's that for a trick?" asked my visitor. + +I said nothing, for the very good reason that my words stuck in my throat. + +"Give me a little _creme de menthe_, will you, please?" said he, after a +moment's pause. + +"I haven't a drop in the house," I said, relieved to think that this +wonderful being could come down to anything so earthly. + +"Pshaw, Hiram!" he ejaculated, apparently in disgust. "Don't be mean, and, +above all, don't lie. Why, man, you've got a bottle full of it in your +hand! Do you want it all?" + +He was right. Where it came from I do not know; but, beyond question, the +graceful, slim-necked bottle was in my right hand, and my left held a +liqueur-glass of exquisite form. + +"Say," I gasped, as soon as I was able to collect my thoughts, "what are +your terms?" + +"Wait a moment," he answered. "Let me do a little mind-reading before we +arrange preliminaries." + +"I haven't much of a mind to read tonight," I answered, wildly. + +[Illustration] + +"You're right there," said he. "It's like a dime novel, that mind of yours +to-night. But I'll do the best I can with it. Suppose you think of your +favorite poem, and after turning it over in your mind carefully for a few +minutes, select two lines from it, concealing them, of course, from me, +and I will tell you what they are." + +Now my favorite poem, I regret to say, is Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwock," a +fact I was ashamed to confess to an utter stranger, so I tried to deceive +him by thinking of some other lines. The effort was hardly successful, for +the only other lines I could call to mind at the moment were from Rudyard +Kipling's rhyme, "The Post that Fitted," and which ran, + + "Year by year, in pious patience, vengeful Mrs. Boffin sits + Waiting for the Sleary babies to develop Sleary's fits." + +"Humph!" ejaculated my visitor. "You're a great Hiram, you are." + +And then rising from his chair and walking to my "poet's corner," the +magician selected two volumes. + +"There," said he, handing me the _Departmental Ditties_. "You'll find the +lines you tried to fool me with at the foot of page thirteen. Look." + +I looked, and there lay that vile Sleary sentiment, in all the majesty of +type, staring me in the eyes. + +"And here," added my visitor, opening _Alice in the Looking-Glass_--"here +is the poem that to your mind holds all the philosophy of life: + + "'Come to my arms, my beamish boy, + He chortled in his joy.'" + +I blushed and trembled. Blushed that he should discover the weakness of my +taste, trembled at his power. + +"I don't blame you for coloring," said the magician. "But I thought you +said the Gutenberg was made up of men of brains? Do you think you could +stay on the rolls a month if they were aware that your poetic ideals are +summed up in the 'Jabberwock' and 'Sleary's Fits'?" + +"My taste might be far worse," I answered. + +[Illustration] + +"Yes, it might. You might have stooped to liking some of your own verses. +I ought really to congratulate you, I suppose," retorted the visitor, with +a sneering laugh. + +This roused my ire again. + +"Who are you, anyhow, that you come here and take me to task?" I demanded, +angrily. "I'll like anything I please, and without asking your permission. +If I cared more for the _Peterkin Papers_ than I do for Shakespeare, I +wouldn't be accountable to you, and that's all there is about it." + +"Never mind who I am," said the visitor. "Suffice to say that I am myself. +You'll know my name soon enough. In fact, you will pronounce it +involuntarily the first thing when you wake in the morning, and then--" +Here he shook his head ominously, and I felt myself grow rigid with fright +in my chair. "Now for the final trick," he said, after a moment's pause. +"Think of where you would most like to be at this moment, and I'll exert +my power to put you there. Only close your eyes first." + +I closed my eyes and wished. When I opened them I was in the billiard-room +of the Gutenberg Club with Perkins and Tompson. + +"For Heaven's sake, Spencer," they said, in surprise, "where did you drop +in from? Why, man, you are as white as a sheet. And what a necktie! Take +it off!" + +"Grab hold of me, boys, and hold me fast," I pleaded, falling on my knees +in terror. "If you don't, I believe I'll die." + +The idea of returning to my sanctum was intolerably dreadful to me. + +"Ha! ha!" laughed the magician, for even as I spoke to Perkins and Tompson +I found myself seated opposite my infernal visitor in my room once more. +"They couldn't keep you an instant with me summoning you back." + +His laughter was terrible; his frown was pleasanter; and I felt myself +gradually losing control of my senses. + +"Go," I cried. "Leave me, or you will have the crime of murder on your +conscience." + +"I have no con--" he began; but I heard no more. + +That is the last I remember of that fearful night. I must have fainted, +and then have fallen into a deep slumber. + +[Illustration] + +When I waked it was morning, and I was alone, but undressed and in bed, +unconscionably weak, and surrounded by medicine bottles of many kinds. The +clock on the mantle on the other side of the room indicated that it was +after ten o'clock. + +"_Great Beelzebub!_" I cried, taking note of the hour. "I've an engagement +with Barlow at nine." + +And then a sweet-faced woman, who, I afterwards learned, was a +professional nurse, entered the room, and within an hour I realized two +facts. One was that I had lain ill for many days, and that my engagement +with Barlow was now for six weeks unfulfilled; the other, that my midnight +visitor was none other than-- + +And yet I don't know. His tricks certainly were worthy of that individual; +but Perkins and Tompson assert that I never entered the club that night, +and surely if my visitor was Beelzebub himself he would not have omitted +so important a factor of success as my actual presence in the +billiard-room on that occasion would have been; and, besides, he was +altogether too cool to have come from his reputed residence. + +Altogether I think the episode most unaccountable, particularly when I +reflect that while no trace of my visitor was discoverable in my room the +next morning, as my nurse tells me, my blue necktie was in reality found +upon the floor, crushed and torn into a shapeless bundle of frayed rags. + +As for the club entertainment, I am told that, despite my absence, it was +a wonderful success, redeemed from failure, the treasurer of the club +said, by the voluntary services of a guest, who secured admittance on one +of my cards, and who executed some sleight-of-hand tricks that made the +members tremble, and whose mind-reading feats performed on the club's +butler not only made it necessary for him to resign his office, but +disclosed to the House Committee the whereabouts of several cases of rare +wines that had mysteriously disappeared. + + + + +A QUICKSILVER CASSANDRA + +It was altogether queer, and Jingleberry to this day does not entirely +understand it. He had examined his heart as carefully as he knew how, +and had arrived at the entirely reasonable conclusion that he was in +love. He had every symptom of that malady. When Miss Marian Chapman was +within range of his vision there was room for no one else there. He +suffered from that peculiar optical condition which enabled him to see +but one thing at a time when she was present, and she was that one +thing, which was probably the reason why in his mind's eye she was the +only woman in the world, for Marian was ever present before +Jingleberry's mental optic. He had also examined as thoroughly as he +could in hypothesis the heart of this "only woman," and he had--or +thought he had, which amounts to the same thing--reason to believe that +she reciprocated his affection. She certainly seemed glad always when +he was about; she called him by his first name, and sometimes +quarrelled with him as she quarrelled with no one else, and if that +wasn't a sign of love in woman, then Jingleberry had studied the sex +all his years--and they were thirty-two--for nothing. In short, Marian +behaved so like a sister to him that Jingleberry, knowing how dreams +and women go by contraries, was absolutely sure that a sister was just +the reverse from that relationship which in her heart of hearts she was +willing to assume towards him, and he was happy in consequence. +Believing this, it was not at all strange that he should make up his +mind to propose marriage to her, though, like many other men, he was +somewhat chicken-hearted in coming to the point. Four times had he +called upon Marian for the sole purpose of asking her to become his +wife, and four times had he led up to the point and then talked about +something else. What quality it is in man that makes a coward of him in +the presence of one he considers his dearest friend is not within the +province of this narrative to determine, but Jingleberry had it in its +most virulent form. He had often got so far along in his proposal as +"Marian--er--will you--will you--," and there he had as often stopped, +contenting himself with such commonplace conclusions as "go to the +matinee with me to-morrow?" or "ask your father for me if he thinks the +stock market is likely to strengthen soon?" and other amazing +substitutes for the words he so ardently desired, yet feared, to utter. +But this afternoon--the one upon which the extraordinary events about +to be narrated took place--Jingleberry had called resolved not to be +balked in his determination to learn his fate. He had come to propose, +and propose he would, _ruat coelum_. His confidence in a successful +termination to his suit had been reinforced that very morning by the +receipt of a note from Miss Chapman asking him to dine with her parents +and herself that evening, and to accompany them after dinner to the +opera. Surely that meant a great deal, and Jingleberry conceived that +the time was ripe for a blushing "yes" to his long-deferred question. +So he was here in the Chapman parlor waiting for the young lady to come +down and become the recipient of the "interesting interrogatory," as it +is called in some sections of Massachusetts. + +"I'll ask her the first thing," said Jingleberry, buttoning up his Prince +Albert, as though to impart a possibly needed stiffening to his backbone. +"She will say yes, and then I shall enjoy the dinner and the opera so much +the more. Ahem! I wonder if I am pale--I feel sort of--um--There's a +mirror. That will tell." Jingleberry walked to the mirror--an oval, +gilt-framed mirror, such as was very much the vogue fifty years ago, for +which reason alone, no doubt, it was now admitted to the gold-and-white +parlor of the house of Chapman. + +"Blessed things these mirrors," said Jingleberry, gazing at the reflection +of his face. "So reassuring. I'm not at all pale. Quite the contrary. I'm +red as a sunset. Good omen that! The sun is setting on my bachelor +days--and my scarf is crooked. Ah!" + +The ejaculation was one of pleasure, for pictured in the mirror +Jingleberry saw the form of Marian entering the room through the +portieres. + +"How do you do, Marian? been admiring myself in the glass," he said, +turning to greet her. "I--er--" + +Here he stopped, as well he might, for he addressed no one. Miss Chapman +was nowhere to be seen. + +"Dear me!" said Jingleberry, rubbing his eyes in astonishment. "How +extraordinary! I surely thought I saw her--why, I did see her--that is, I +saw her reflection in the gla--Ha! ha! She caught me gazing at myself +there and has hidden." + +He walked to the door and drew the portiere aside and looked into the +hall. There was no one there. He searched every corner of the hall and of +the dining-room at its end, and then returned to the parlor, but it was +still empty. And then occurred the most strangely unaccountable event in +his life. + +As he looked about the parlor, he for the second time found himself before +the mirror, but the reflection therein, though it was of himself, was of +himself with his back turned to his real self, as he stood gazing amazedly +into the glass; and besides this, although Jingleberry was alone in the +real parlor, the reflection of the dainty room showed that there he was +not so, for seated in her accustomed graceful attitude in the reflected +arm-chair was nothing less than the counterfeit presentment of Marian +Chapman herself. + +It was a wonder Jingleberry's eyes did not fall out of his head, he stared +so. What a situation it was, to be sure, to stand there and see in the +glass a scene which, as far as he could observe, had no basis in reality; +and how interesting it was for Jingleberry to watch himself going through +the form of chatting pleasantly there in the mirror's depths with the +woman he loved! It almost made him jealous, though, the reflected +Jingleberry was so entirely independent of the real Jingleberry. The +jealousy soon gave way to consternation, for, to the wondering suitor, the +independent reflection was beginning to do that for which he himself had +come. In other words, there was a proposal going on there in the glass, +and Jingleberry enjoyed the novel sensation of seeing how he himself would +look when passing through a similar ordeal. Altogether, however, it was +not as pleasing as most novelties are, for there were distinct signs in +the face of the mirrored Marian that the mirrored Jingleberry's words were +distasteful to her, and that the proposition he was making was not one she +could entertain under any circumstances. She kept shaking her head, and +the more she shook it, the more the glazed Jingleberry seemed to implore +her to be his. Finally, Jingleberry saw his quicksilver counterpart fall +upon his knees before Marian of the glass, and hold out his arms and hands +towards her in an attitude of prayerful despair, whereupon the girl sprang +to her feet, stamped her left foot furiously upon the floor, and pointed +the unwelcome lover to the door. + +Jingleberry was fairly staggered. What could be the meaning of so +extraordinary a freak of nature? Surely it must be prophetic. Fate was +kind enough to warn him in advance, no doubt; otherwise it was a trick. +And why should she stoop to play so paltry a trick as that upon him? +Surely fate would not be so petty. No. It was a warning. The mirror had +been so affected by some supernatural agency that it divined and reflected +that which was to be instead of confining itself to what Jingleberry +called "simultaneity." It led instead of following or acting coincidently +with the reality, and it was the part of wisdom, he thought, for him to +yield to its suggestion and retreat; and as he thought this, he heard a +soft sweet voice behind him. + +"I hope you haven't got tired of waiting, Tom," it said; and, turning, +Jingleberry saw the unquestionably real Marian standing in the doorway. + +"No," he answered, shortly. "I--I have had a pleasant--very entertaining +ten minutes; but I--I must hurry along, Marian," he added. "I only came to +tell you that I have a frightful headache, and--er--I can't very well +manage to come to dinner or go to the opera with you to-night." + +"Why, Tom," pouted Marian, "I am awfully disappointed! I had counted on +you, and now my whole evening will be spoiled. Don't you think you can +rest a little while, and then come?" + +"Well, I--I want to, Marian," said Jingleberry; "but, to tell the truth, +I--I really am afraid I am going to be ill; I've had such a strange +experience this afternoon. I--" + +"Tell me what it was," suggested Marian, sympathetically; and Jingleberry +did tell her what it was. He told her the whole story from beginning to +end--what he had come for, how he had happened to look in the mirror, and +what he saw there; and Marian listened attentively to every word he said. +She laughed once or twice, and when he had done she reminded him that +mirrors have a habit of reversing everything; and somehow or other +Jingleberry's headache went, and--and--well, everything went! + + + + +THE GHOST CLUB + +AN UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IN THE LIFE OF NO. 5010 + + +Number 5010 was at the time when I received the details of this story from +his lips a stalwart man of thirty-eight, swart of hue, of pleasing +address, and altogether the last person one would take for a convict +serving a term for sneak-thieving. The only outer symptoms of his actual +condition were the striped suit he wore, the style and cut of which are +still in vogue at Sing Sing prison, and the closely cropped hair, which +showed off the distinctly intellectual lines of his head to great +advantage. He was engaged in making shoes when I first saw him, and so +impressed was I with the contrast between his really refined features and +grace of manner and those of his brutish-looking companions, that I asked +my guide who he was, and what were the circumstances which had brought him +to Sing Sing. + +[Illustration] + +"He pegs shoes like a gentleman," I said. + +"Yes," returned the keeper. "He's werry troublesome that way. He thinks +he's too good for his position. We can't never do nothing with the boots +he makes." + +"Why do you keep him at work in the shoe department?" I queried. + +"We haven't got no work to be done in his special line, so we have to put +him at whatever we can. He pegs shoes less badly than he does anything +else." + +"What was his special line?" + +"He was a gentleman of leisure travellin' for his health afore he got into +the toils o' the law. His real name is Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, +of Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire. He landed in this country of a +Tuesday, took to collectin' souvenir spoons of a Friday, was jugged the +same day, tried, convicted, and there he sets. In for two years more." + +"How interesting!" I said. "Was the evidence against him conclusive?" + +"Extremely. A half-dozen spoons was found on his person." + +"He pleaded guilty, I suppose?" + +"Not him. He claimed to be as innocent as a new-born babe. Told a +cock-and-bull story about havin' been deluded by spirits, but the judge +and jury wasn't to be fooled. They gave him every chance, too. He even +cabled himself, the judge did, to Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire, at +his own expense, to see if the man was an impostor, but he never got no +reply. There was them as said there wasn't no such place as +Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea in Warwickshire, but they never proved it." + +"I should like very much to interview him," said I. + +"It can't be done, sir," said my guide. "The rules is very strict." + +"You couldn't--er--arrange an interview for me," I asked, jingling a bunch +of keys in my pocket. + +He must have recognized the sound, for he colored and gruffly replied, "I +has me orders, and I obeys 'em." + +"Just--er--add this to the pension fund," I put in, handing him a +five-dollar bill. "An interview is impossible, eh?" + +[Illustration] + +"I didn't say impossible," he answered, with a grateful smile. "I said +against the rules, but we has been known to make exceptions. I think I can +fix you up." + +Suffice it to say that he did "fix me up," and that two hours later 5010 +and I sat down together in the cell of the former, a not too commodious +stall, and had a pleasant chat, in the course of which he told me the +story of his life, which, as I had surmised, was to me, at least, +exceedingly interesting, and easily worth twice the amount of my +contribution to the pension fund under the management of my guide of the +morning. + +"My real name," said the unfortunate convict, "as you may already have +guessed, is not 5010. That is an alias forced upon me by the State +authorities. My name is really Austin Merton Surrennes." + +"Ahem!" I said. "Then my guide erred this morning when he told me that in +reality you were Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, of +Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire?" + +Number 5010 laughed long and loud. "Of course he erred. You don't suppose +that I would give the authorities my real name, do you? Why, man, I am a +nephew! I have an aged uncle--a rich millionaire uncle--whose heart and +will it would break were he to hear of my present plight. Both the heart +and will are in my favor, hence my tender solicitude for him. I am +innocent, of course--convicts always are, you know--but that wouldn't make +any difference. He'd die of mortification just the same. It's one of our +family traits, that. So I gave a false name to the authorities, and +secretly informed my uncle that I was about to set out for a walking trip +across the great American desert, requesting him not to worry if he did +not hear from me for a number of years, America being in a state of +semi-civilization, to which mails outside of certain districts are +entirely unknown. My uncle being an Englishman and a conservative +gentleman, addicted more to reading than to travel, accepts the +information as veracious and suspects nothing, and when I am liberated I +shall return to him, and at his death shall become a conservative man of +wealth myself. See?" + +"But if you are innocent and he rich and influential, why did you not +appeal to him to save you?" I asked. + +"Because I was afraid that he, like the rest of the world, would decline +to believe my defence," sighed 5010. "It was a good defence, if the judge +had only known it, and I'm proud of it." + +"But ineffectual," I put in. "And so, not good." + +"Alas, yes! This is an incredulous age. People, particularly judges, are +hard-headed practical men of affairs. My defence was suited more for an +age of mystical tendencies. Why, will you believe it, sir, my own lawyer, +the man to whom I paid eighteen dollars and seventy-five cents for +championing my cause, told me the defence was rubbish, devoid even of +literary merit. What chance could a man have if his lawyer even didn't +believe in him?" + +"None," I answered, sadly. "And you had no chance at all, though +innocent?" + +"Yes, I had one, and I chose not to take it. I might have proved myself +_non compos mentis_; but that involved my making a fool of myself in +public before a jury, and I have too much dignity for that, I can tell +you. I told my lawyer that I should prefer a felon's cell to the richly +furnished flat of a wealthy lunatic, to which he replied, 'Then all is +lost!' And so it was. I read my defence in court. The judge laughed, the +jury whispered, and I was convicted instanter of stealing spoons, when +murder itself was no further from my thoughts than theft." + +"But they tell me you were caught red-handed," said I. "Were not a +half-dozen spoons found upon your person?" + +"In my hand," returned the prisoner. "The spoons were in my hand when I +was arrested, and they were seen there by the owner, by the police, and by +the usual crowd of small boys that congregate at such embarrassing +moments, springing up out of sidewalks, dropping down from the heavens, +swarming in from everywhere. I had no idea there were so many small boys +in the world until I was arrested, and found myself the cynosure of a +million or more innocent blue eyes." + +[Illustration] + +"Were they all blue-eyed?" I queried, thinking the point interesting from +a scientific point of view, hoping to discover that curiosity of a morbid +character was always found in connection with eyes of a specified hue. + +"Oh no; I fancy not," returned my host. "But to a man with a load of +another fellow's spoons in his possession, and a pair of handcuffs on his +wrists, everything looks blue." + +"I don't doubt it," I replied. "But--er--just how, now, could you defend +yourself when every bit of evidence, and--you will excuse me for saying +so--conclusive evidence at that, pointed to your guilt?" + +"The spoons were a gift," he answered. + +"But the owner denied that." + +"I know it; that's where the beastly part of it all came in. They were not +given to me by the owner, but by a lot of mean, low-down, +practical-joke-loving ghosts." + +Number 5010's anger as he spoke these words was terrible to witness, and +as he strode up and down the floor of his cell and dashed his arms right +and left, I wished for a moment that I was elsewhere. I should not have +flown, however, even had the cell door been open and my way clear, for his +suggestion of a supernatural agency in connection with his crime whetted +my curiosity until it was more keen than ever, and I made up my mind to +hear the story to the end, if I had to commit a crime and get myself +sentenced to confinement in that prison for life to do so. + +Fortunately, extreme measures of this nature were unnecessary, for after a +few moments Surrennes calmed down, and seating himself beside me on the +cot, drained his water-pitcher to the dregs, and began. + +"Excuse me for not offering you a drink," he said, "but the wine they +serve here while moist is hardly what a connoisseur would choose except +for bathing purposes, and I compliment you by assuming that you do not +wish to taste it." + +"Thank you," I said. "I do not like to take water straight, exactly. I +always dilute it, in fact, with a little of this." + +Here I extracted a small flask from my pocket and handed it to him. + +"Ah!" he said, smacking his lips as he took a long pull at its contents, +"that puts spirit into a man." + +"Yes, it does," I replied, ruefully, as I noted that he had left me very +little but the flask; "but I don't think it was necessary for you to +deprive me of all mine." + +"No; that is, you can't appreciate the necessity unless you--er--you have +suffered in your life as I am suffering. You were never sent up yourself?" + +I gave him a glance which was all indignation. "I guess not," I said. "I +have led a life that is above reproach." + +"Good!" he replied. "And what a satisfaction that is, eh? I don't believe +I'd be able to stand this jail life if it wasn't for my conscience, which +is as clear and clean as it would be if I'd never used it." + +"Would you mind telling me what your defence was?" I asked. + +"Certainly not," said he, cheerfully. "I'd be very glad to give it to you. +But you must remember one thing--it is copyrighted." + +"Fire ahead!" I said, with a smile. "I'll respect your copyright. I'll +give you a royalty on what I get for the story." + +"Very good," he answered. "It was like this. To begin, I must tell you +that when I was a boy preparing for college I had for a chum a brilliant +fun-loving fellow named Hawley Hicks, concerning whose future various +prophecies had been made. His mother often asserted that he would be a +great poet; his father thought he was born to be a great general; our +head-master at the Scarberry Institute for Young Gentlemen prophesied the +gallows. They were all wrong; though, for myself, I think that if he had +lived long enough almost any one of the prophecies might have come true. +The trouble was that Hawley died at the age of twenty-three. Fifteen years +elapsed. I was graduated with high honors at Brazenose, lived a life of +elegant leisure, and at the age of thirty-seven broke down in health. That +was about a year ago. My uncle, whose heir and constant companion I was, +gave me a liberal allowance, and sent me off to travel. I came to America, +landed in New York early in September, and set about winning back the +color which had departed from my cheeks by an assiduous devotion to such +pleasures as New York affords. Two days after my arrival, I set out for an +airing at Coney Island, leaving my hotel at four in the afternoon. On my +way down Broadway I was suddenly startled at hearing my name spoken from +behind me, and appalled, on turning, to see standing with outstretched +hands no less a person than my defunct chum, Hawley Hicks." + +[Illustration] + +"Impossible," said I. + +"Exactly my remark," returned Number 5010. "To which I added, 'Hawley +Hicks, it can't be you!' + +"'But it is me,' he replied. + +"And then I was convinced, for Hawley never was good on his grammar. I +looked at him a minute, and then I said, 'But, Hawley, I thought you were +dead.' + +"'I am,' he answered. 'But why should a little thing like that stand +between friends?' + +"'It shouldn't, Hawley,' I answered, meekly; 'but it's condemnedly +unusual, you know, for a man to associate even with his best friends +fifteen years after they've died and been buried.' + +"'Do you mean to say, Austin, that just because I was weak enough once to +succumb to a bad cold, you, the dearest friend of my youth, the closest +companion of my school-days, the partner of my childish joys, intend to go +back on me here in a strange city?' + +"'Hawley,' I answered, huskily, 'not a bit of it. My letter of credit, my +room at the hotel, my dress suit, even my ticket to Coney Island, are at +your disposal; but I think the partner of your childish joys ought first +to be let in on the ground-floor of this enterprise, and informed how the +deuce you manage to turn up in New York fifteen years subsequent to your +obsequies. Is New York the hereafter for boys of your kind, or is this +some freak of my imagination?'" + +"That was an eminently proper question," I put in, just to show that while +the story I was hearing terrified me, I was not altogether speechless. + +"It was, indeed," said 5010; "and Hawley recognized it as such, for he +replied at once. + +"'Neither,' said he. 'Your imagination is all right, and New York is +neither heaven nor the other place. The fact is, I'm spooking, and I can +tell you, Austin, it's just about the finest kind of work there is. If you +could manage to shuffle off your mortal coil and get in with a lot of +ghosts, the way I have, you'd be playing in great luck.' + +"'Thanks for the hint, Hawley,' I said, with a grateful smile; 'but, to +tell you the truth, I do not find that life is entirely bad. I get my +three meals a day, keep my pocket full of coin, and sleep eight hours +every night on a couch that couldn't be more desirable if it were studded +with jewels and had mineral springs.' + +"'That's your mortal ignorance, Austin,' he retorted. 'I lived long enough +to appreciate the necessity of being ignorant, but your style of existence +is really not to be mentioned in the same cycle with mine. You talk about +three meals a day, as if that were an ideal; you forget that with the +eating your labor is just begun; those meals have to be digested, every +one of 'em, and if you could only understand it, it would appall you to +see what a fearful wear and tear that act of digestion is. In my life you +are feasting all the time, but with no need for digestion. You speak of +money in your pockets; well, I have none, yet am I the richer of the two. +I don't need money. The world is mine. If I chose to I could pour the +contents of that jeweller's window into your lap in five seconds, but _cui +bono_? The gems delight my eye quite as well where they are; and as for +travel, Austin, of which you have always been fond, the spectral method +beats all. Just watch me!' + +"I watched him as well as I could for a minute," said 5010; "and then he +disappeared. In another minute he was before me again. + +"'Well,' I said, 'I suppose you've been around the block in that time, +eh?' + +"He roared with laughter. 'Around the block?' he ejaculated. 'I have done +the Continent of Europe, taken a run through China, haunted the Emperor of +Japan, and sailed around the Horn since I left you a minute ago.' + +[Illustration] + +"He was a truthful boy in spite of his peculiarities, Hawley was," said +Surrennes, quietly, "so I had to believe what he said. He abhorred lies." + +"That was pretty fast travelling, though," said I. "He'd make a fine +messenger-boy." + +"That's so. I wish I'd suggested it to him," smiled my host. "But I can +tell you, sir, I was astonished. 'Hawley,' I said, 'you always were a fast +youth, but I never thought you would develop into this. I wonder you're +not out of breath after such a journey.' + +"'Another point, my dear Austin, in favor of my mode of existence. We +spooks have no breath to begin with. Consequently, to get out of it is no +deprivation. But, I say,' he added, 'whither are you bound?' + +"'To Coney Island to see the sights,' I replied. 'Won't you join me?' + +"'Not I,' he replied. 'Coney Island is tame. When I first joined the +spectre band, it seemed to me that nothing could delight me more than an +eternal round of gayety like that; but, Austin, I have changed. I have +developed a good deal since you and I were parted at the grave.' + +"'I should say you had,' I answered. 'I doubt if many of your old friends +would know you.' + +"'You seem to have had difficulty in so doing yourself, Austin,' he +replied, regretfully; 'but see here, old chap, give up Coney Island, and +spend the evening with me at the club. You'll have a good time, I can +assure you.' + +"'The club?' I said. 'You don't mean to say you visions have a club?' + +"'I do indeed; the Ghost Club is the most flourishing association of +choice spirits in the world. We have rooms in every city in creation; and +the finest part of it is there are no dues to be paid. The membership list +holds some of the finest names in history--Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, +Napoleon Bonaparte, Caesar, George Washington, Mozart, Frederick the +Great, Marc Antony--Cassius was black-balled on Caesar's account--Galileo, +Confucius.' + +[Illustration] + +"'You admit the Chinese, eh?' I queried. + +"'Not always,' he replied. 'But Con was such a good fellow they hadn't the +heart to keep him out; but you see, Austin, what a lot of fine fellows +there are in it.' + +"'Yes, it's a magnificent list, and I should say they made a pretty +interesting set of fellows to hear talk,' I put in. + +"'Well, rather,' Hawley replied. 'I wish you could have heard a debate +between Shakespeare and Caesar on the resolution, "The Pen is mightier than +the Sword;" it was immense.' + +"'I should think it might have been,' I said. 'Which won?' + +"'The sword party. They were the best fighters; though on the merits of +the argument Shakespeare was 'way ahead.' + +"'If I thought I'd stand a chance of seeing spooks like that, I think I'd +give up Coney Island and go with you,' I said. + +"'Well,' replied Hawley, 'that's just the kind of a chance you do stand. +They'll all be there to-night, and as this is ladies' day, you might meet +Lucretia Borgia, Cleopatra, and a few other feminine apparitions of +considerable note.' + +"'That settles it. I am yours for the rest of the day,' I said, and so we +adjourned to the rooms of the Ghost Club. + +"These rooms were in a beautiful house on Fifth Avenue; the number of the +house you will find on consulting the court records. I have forgotten it. +It was a large, broad, brown-stone structure, and must have been over one +hundred and fifty feet in depth. Such fittings I never saw before; +everything was in the height of luxury, and I am quite certain that among +beings to whom money is a measure of possibility no such magnificence is +attainable. The paintings on the walls were by the most famous artists of +our own and other days. The rugs on the superbly polished floors were +worth fortunes, not only for their exquisite beauty, but also for their +extreme rarity. In keeping with these were the furniture and bric-a-brac. +In short, my dear sir, I had never dreamed of anything so dazzlingly, so +superbly magnificent as that apartment into which I was ushered by the +ghost of my quondam friend Hawley Hicks. + +[Illustration] + +"At first I was speechless with wonder, which seemed to amuse Hicks very +much. + +"'Pretty fine, eh?' he said, with a short laugh. + +"'Well,' I replied, in a moment, 'considering that you can get along +without money, and that all the resources of the world are at your +disposal, it is not more than half bad. Have you a library?' + +"I was always fond of books," explained 5010 in parenthesis to me, "and so +was quite anxious to see what the club of ghosts could show in the way of +literary treasures. Imagine my surprise when Hawley informed me that the +club had no collection of the sort to appeal to the bibliophile. + +"'No,' he answered, 'we have no library.' + +"'Rather strange,' I said, 'that a club to which men like Shakespeare, +Milton, Edgar Allan Poe, and other deceased literati belong should be +deficient in that respect.' + +"'Not at all,' said he. 'Why should we want books when we have the men +themselves to tell their tales to us? Would you give a rap to possess a +set of Shakespeare if William himself would sit down and rattle off the +whole business to you any time you chose to ask him to do it? Would you +follow Scott's printed narratives through their devious and tedious +periods if Sir Walter in spirit would come to you on demand, and tell you +all the old stories over again in a tenth part of the time it would take +you to read the introduction to one of them?' + +"'I fancy not,' I said. 'Are you in such luck?' + +"'I am,' said Hawley; 'only personally I never send for Scott or +Shakespeare. I prefer something lighter than either--Douglas Jerrold or +Marryat. But best of all, I like to sit down and hear Noah swap animal +stories with Davy Crockett. Noah's the brightest man of his age in the +club. Adam's kind of slow.' + +"'How about Solomon?' I asked, more to be flippant than with any desire +for information. I was much amused to hear Hawley speak of these great +spirits as if he and they were chums of long standing. + +[Illustration] + +"'Solomon has resigned from the club,' he said, with a sad sigh. 'He was a +good fellow, Solomon was, but he thought he knew it all until old Doctor +Johnson got hold of him, and then he knuckled under. It's rather rough for +a man to get firmly established in his belief that he is the wisest +creature going, and then, after a couple of thousand years, have an +Englishman come along and tell him things he never knew before, especially +the way Sam Johnson delivers himself of his opinions. Johnson never cared +whom he hurt, you know, and when he got after Solomon, he did it with all +his might.'" + +"I wonder if Boswell was there?" I ventured, interrupting 5010 in his +extraordinary narrative for an instant. + +"Yes, he was there," returned the prisoner. "I met him later in the +evening; but he isn't the spook he might be. He never had much spirit +anyhow, and when he died he had to leave his nose behind him, and that +settled him." + +"Of course," I answered. "Boswell with no nose to stick into other +people's affairs would have been like _Othello_ with Desdemona left out. +But go on. What did you do next?" + +"Well," 5010 resumed, "after I'd looked about me, and drunk my fill of +the magnificence on every hand, Hawley took me into the music-room, and +introduced me to Mozart and Wagner and a few other great composers. In +response to my request, Wagner played an impromptu version of 'Daisy +Bell' on the organ. It was great; not much like 'Daisy Bell,' of course; +more like a collision between a cyclone and a simoom in a tin-plate +mining camp, in fact, but, nevertheless, marvellous. I tried to remember +it afterwards, and jotted down a few notes, but I found the first bar +took up seven sheets of fool's-cap, and so gave it up. Then Mozart tried +his hand on a banjo for my amusement, Mendelssohn sang a half-dozen of +his songs without words, and then Gottschalk played one of Poe's weird +stories on the piano. + +"Then Carlyle came in, and Hawley introduced me to him. He was a gruff +old gentleman, and seemingly anxious to have Froude become an eligible, +and I judged from the rather fierce manner in which he handled a club he +had in his hand, that there were one or two other men of prominence still +living he was anxious to meet. Dickens, too, was desirous of a two-minute +interview with certain of his at present purely mortal critics; and, +between you and me, if the wink that Bacon gave Shakespeare when I spoke +of Ignatius Donnelly meant anything, the famous cryptogrammarian will do +well to drink a bottle of the elixir of life every morning before +breakfast, and stave off dissolution as long as he can. There's no +getting around the fact, sir," Surrennes added, with a significant shake +of the head, "that the present leaders of literary thought with critical +tendencies are going to have the hardest kind of a time when they cross +the river and apply for admission to the Ghost Club. _I_ don't ask for +any better fun than that of watching from a safe distance the initiation +ceremonies of the next dozen who go over. And as an Englishman, sir, who +thoroughly believes in and admires Lord Wolseley, if I were out of jail +and able to do it, I'd write him a letter, and warn him that he would +better revise his estimates of certain famous soldiers no longer living +if he desires to find rest in that mysterious other world whither he must +eventually betake himself. They've got their swords sharpened for him, +and he'll discover an instance when he gets over there in which the sword +is mightier than the pen. + +[Illustration] + +"After that, Hawley took me up-stairs and introduced me to the spirit of +Napoleon Bonaparte, with whom I passed about twenty-five minutes talking +over his victories and defeats. He told me he never could understand how a +man like Wellington came to defeat him at Waterloo, and added that he had +sounded the Iron Duke on the subject, and found him equally ignorant. + +"So the afternoon and evening passed. I met quite a number of famous +ladies--Catherine, Marie Louise, Josephine, Queen Elizabeth, and others. +Talked architecture with Queen Anne, and was surprised to learn that she +never saw a Queen Anne cottage. I took Peg Woffington down to supper, and +altogether had a fine time of it." + +[Illustration] + +"But, my dear Surrennes," I put in at this point, "I fail to see what this +has to do with your defence in your trial for stealing spoons." + +"I am coming to that," said 5010, sadly. "I dwell on the moments passed at +the club because they were the happiest of my life, and am loath to speak +of what followed, but I suppose I must. It was all due to Queen Isabella +that I got into trouble. Peg Woffington presented me to Queen Isabella in +the supper-room, and while her majesty and I were talking, I spoke of how +beautiful everything in the club was, and admired especially a half-dozen +old Spanish spoons upon the side-board. When I had done this, the Queen +called to Ferdinand, who was chatting with Columbus on the other side of +the room, to come to her, which he did with alacrity. I was presented to +the King, and then my troubles began. + +"'Mr. Surrennes admires our spoons, Ferdinand,' said the Queen. + +"The King smiled, and turning to me observed, 'Sir, they are yours. +Er--waiter, just do these spoons up and give them to Mr. Surrennes.' + +"Of course," said 5010, "I protested against this; whereupon the King +looked displeased. + +"'It is a rule of our club, sir, as well as an old Spanish custom, for us +to present to our guests anything that they may happen openly to admire. +You are surely sufficiently well acquainted with the etiquette of club +life to know that guests may not with propriety decline to be governed by +the regulations of the club whose hospitality they are enjoying.' + +"'I certainly am aware of that, my dear King,' I replied, 'and of course I +accept the spoons with exceeding deep gratitude. My remonstrance was +prompted solely by my desire to explain to you that I was unaware of any +such regulation, and to assure you that when I ventured to inform your +good wife that the spoons had excited my sincerest admiration, I was not +hinting that it would please me greatly to be accounted their possessor.' + +"'Your courtly speech, sir,' returned the King, with a low bow, 'is ample +assurance of your sincerity, and I beg that you will put the spoons in +your pocket and say no more. They are yours. _Verb. sap_.' + +[Illustration] + +"I thanked the great Spaniard and said no more, pocketing the spoons with +no little exultation, because, having always been a lover of the quaint +and beautiful, I was glad to possess such treasures, though I must confess +to some misgivings as to the possibility of their being unreal. Shortly +after this episode I looked at my watch and discovered that it was getting +well on towards eleven o'clock, and I sought out Hawley for the purpose of +thanking him for a delightful evening and of taking my leave. I met him in +the hall talking to Euripides on the subject of the amateur stage in the +United States. What they said I did not stop to hear, but offering my hand +to Hawley informed him of my intention to depart. + +"'Well, old chap,' he said, affectionately, 'I'm glad you came. It's +always a pleasure to see you, and I hope we may meet again some time +soon.' And then, catching sight of my bundle, he asked, 'What have you +there?' + +"I informed him of the episode in the supper-room, and fancied I perceived +a look of annoyance on his countenance. + +"'I didn't want to take them, Hawley,' I said; 'but Ferdinand insisted.' + +"'Oh, it's all right!' returned Hawley. 'Only I'm sorry! You'd better get +along home with them as quickly as you can and say nothing; and, above +all, don't try to sell them.' + +"'But why?' I asked. 'I'd much prefer to leave them here if there is any +question of the propriety of my--' + +"Here," continued 5010, "Hawley seemed to grow impatient, for he stamped +his foot angrily, and bade me go at once or there might be trouble. I +proceeded to obey him, and left the house instanter, slamming the door +somewhat angrily behind me. Hawley's unceremonious way of speeding his +parting guest did not seem to me to be exactly what I had a right to +expect at the time. I see now what his object was, and acquit him of any +intention to be rude, though I must say if I ever catch him again, I'll +wring an explanation from him for having introduced me into such bad +company. + +"As I walked down the steps," said 5010, "the chimes of the neighboring +church were clanging out the hour of eleven. I stopped on the last step to +look for a possible hansom-cab, when a portly gentleman accompanied by a +lady started to mount the stoop. The man eyed me narrowly for a moment, +and then, sending the lady up the steps, he turned to me and said, + +"'What are you doing here?' + +"'I've just left the club,' I answered. 'It's all right. I was Hawley +Hicks's guest. Whose ghost are you?' + +"'What the deuce are you talking about?' he asked, rather gruffly, much to +my surprise and discomfort. + +"'I tried to give you a civil answer to your question,' I returned, +indignantly. + +"'I guess you're crazy--or a thief,' he rejoined. + +"'See here, friend,' I put in, rather impressively, 'just remember one +thing. You are talking to a gentleman, and I don't take remarks of that +sort from anybody, spook or otherwise. I don't care if you are the ghost +of the Emperor Nero, if you give me any more of your impudence I'll +dissipate you to the four quarters of the universe--see?' + +"Then he grabbed me and shouted for the police, and I was painfully +surprised to find that instead of coping with a mysterious being from +another world, I had two hundred and ten pounds of flesh and blood to +handle. The populace began to gather. The million and a half of small +boys of whom I have already spoken--mostly street gamins, owing to the +lateness of the hour--sprang up from all about us. Hansom-cab drivers, +attracted by the noise of our altercation, drew up to the sidewalk to +watch developments, and then, after the usual fifteen or twenty minutes, +the blue-coat emissary of justice appeared. + +"'Phat's dthis?' he asked. + +"'I have detected this man leaving my house in a suspicious manner,' said +my adversary. 'I have reason to suspect him of thieving.' + +"'_Your_ house!' I ejaculated, with fine scorn. 'I've got you there; this +is the house of the New York Branch of the Ghost Club. If you want it +proved,' I added, turning to the policeman, 'ring the bell, and ask.' + +"'Oi t'ink dthat's a fair prophosition,' observed the policeman. 'Is the +motion siconded?' + +"'Oh, come now!' cried my captor. 'Stop this nonsense, or I'll report you +to the department. This is my house, and has been for twenty years. I want +this man searched.' + +"'Oi hov no warrant permithin' me to invistigate the contints ov dthe +gintlemon's clothes,' returned the intelligent member of the force. 'But +av yez 'll take yer solemn alibi dthat yez hov rayson t' belave the +gintlemon has worked ony habeas corpush business on yure propherty, oi'll +jug dthe blag-yard.' + +"'I'll be responsible,' said the alleged owner of the house. 'Take him to +the station.' + +"'I refuse to move,' I said. + +"'Oi'll not carry yez,' said the policeman, 'and oi'd advoise ye to +furnish yure own locomotion. Av ye don't, oi'll use me club. Dthot's th' +ounly waa yez 'll git dthe ambulanch.' + +"'Oh, well, if you insist,' I replied, 'of course I'll go. I have nothing +to fear.' + +"You see," added 5010 to me, in parenthesis, "the thought suddenly flashed +across my mind that if all was as my captor said, if the house was really +his and not the Ghost Club's, and if the whole thing was only my fancy, +the spoons themselves would turn out to be entirely fanciful; so I was all +right--or at least I thought I was. So we trotted along to the police +station. On the way I told the policeman the whole story, which impressed +him so that he crossed himself a half-dozen times, and uttered numerous +ejaculatory prayers--'Maa dthe shaints presharve us,' and 'Hivin hov +mershy,' and others of a like import. + +"'Waz dthe ghosht ov Dan O'Connell dthere?' he asked. + +"Yes,' I replied. 'I shook hands with it.' + +"'Let me shaak dthot hand,' he said, his voice trembling with emotion, and +then he whispered in my ear: 'Oi belave yez to be innoshunt; but av yez +ain't, for the love of Dan, oi'll let yez _esh_cape.' + +[Illustration] + +"'Thanks, old fellow,' I replied. 'But I am innocent of wrong-doing, as I +can prove.' + +"Alas!" sighed the convict, "it was not to be so. When I arrived at the +station-house, I was dumfounded to learn that the spoons were all too +real. I told my story to the sergeant, and pointed to the monogram, +'G.C.,' on the spoons as evidence that my story was correct; but even +that told against me, for the alleged owner's initials were G.C.--his +name I withhold--and the monogram only served to substantiate his claim +to the spoons. Worst of all, he claimed that he had been robbed on several +occasions before this, and by midnight I found myself locked up in a dirty +cell to await trial. + +"I got a lawyer, and, as I said before, even he declined to believe my +story, and suggested the insanity dodge. Of course I wouldn't agree to +that. I tried to get him to subpoena Ferdinand and Isabella and Euripides +and Hawley Hicks in my behalf, and all he'd do was to sit there and shake +his head at me. Then I suggested going up to the Metropolitan Opera-house +some fearful night as the clock struck twelve, and try to serve papers on +Wagner's spook--all of which he treated as unworthy of a moment's +consideration. Then I was tried, convicted, and sentenced to live in this +beastly hole; but I have one strong hope to buoy me up, and if that is +realized, I'll be free to-morrow morning." + +"What is that?" I asked. + +"Why," he answered, with a sigh, as the bell rang summoning him to his +supper--"why, the whole horrid business has been so weird and uncanny that +I'm beginning to believe it's all a dream. If it is, why, I'll wake up, +and find myself at home in bed; that's all. I've clung to that hope for +nearly a year now, but it's getting weaker every minute." + +"Yes, 5010," I answered, rising and shaking him by the hand in parting; +"that's a mighty forlorn hope, because I'm pretty wide awake myself at +this moment, and can't be a part of your dream. The great pity is you +didn't try the insanity dodge." + +"Tut!" he answered. "That is the last resource of a weak mind." + + + + +A PSYCHICAL PRANK + + +I + +Willis had met Miss Hollister but once, and that, for a certain purpose, +was sufficient. He was smitten. She represented in every way his ideal, +although until he had met her his ideal had been something radically +different. She was not at all Junoesque, and the maiden of his dreams had +been decidedly so. She had auburn hair, which hitherto Willis had +detested. Indeed, if the same hirsute wealth had adorned some other +woman's head, Willis would have called it red. This shows how completely +he was smitten. She changed his point of view entirely. She shattered his +old ideal and set herself up in its stead, and she did most of it with a +smile. + +There was something, however, about Miss Hollister's eyes that contributed +to the smiting of Willis's heart. They were great round lustrous orbs, and +deep. So deep were they and so penetrating that Willis's affections were +away beyond their own depth the moment Miss Hollister's eyes looked into +his, and at the same time he had a dim and slightly uncomfortable notion +that she could read every thought his mind held within its folds--or +rather, that she could see how utterly devoid of thought that mind was +upon this ecstatic occasion, for Willis's brain was set all agog by the +sensations of the moment. + +"By Jove!" he said to himself afterwards--for Willis, wise man that he +could be on occasions, was his own confidant, to the exclusion of all +others--"by Jove! I believe she can peer into my very soul; and if she +can, my hopes are blasted, for she must be able to see that a soul like +mine is no more worthy to become the affinity of one like hers than a +mountain rill can hope to rival the Amazon." + +Nevertheless, Willis did hope. + +"Something may turn up, and perhaps--perhaps I can devise some scheme by +means of which my imperfections can be hidden from her. Maybe I can put +stained glass over the windows of my soul, and keep her from looking +through them at my shortcomings. Smoked glasses, perhaps--and why not? If +smoked glasses can be used by mortals gazing at the sun, why may they not +be used by me when gazing into those scarcely less glorious orbs of hers?" + +Alas for Willis! The fates were against him. A far-off tribe of fates were +in league to blast his chances of success forever, and this was how it +happened: + +Willis had occasion one afternoon to come up town early. At the corner of +Broadway and Astor Place he entered a Madison Avenue car, paid his fare, +and sat down in one of the corner seats at the rear end of the car. His +mind was, as usual, intent upon the glorious Miss Hollister. Surely no one +who had once met her could do otherwise than think of her constantly, he +reflected; and the reflection made him a bit jealous. What business had +others to think of her? Impertinent, grovelling mortals! No man was good +enough to do that--no, not even himself. But he could change. He could at +least try to be worthy of thinking about her, and he knew of no other man +who could. He'd like to catch any one else doing so little as mentioning +her name! + +"Impertinent, grovelling mortals!" he repeated. + +And then the car stopped at Seventeenth Street, and who should step on +board but Miss Hollister herself! + +"The idea!" thought Willis. "By Jove! there she is--on a horse-car, too! +How atrocious! One might as well expect to see Minerva driving in a +grocer's wagon as Miss Hollister in a horse-car. Miserable, untactful +world to compel Minerva to ride in a horse-cart, or rather Miss Hollister +to ride in a grocer's car! Absurdest of absurdities!" + +Here he raised his hat, for Miss Hollister had bowed sweetly to him as she +passed on to the far end of the car, where she stood hanging on to a +strap. + +"I wonder why she doesn't sit down?" thought Willis; for as he looked +about the car he observed that with the exception of the one he occupied +all the seats were vacant. In fact, the only persons on board were Miss +Hollister, the driver, the conductor, and himself. + +"I think I'll go speak to her," he thought. And then he thought again: +"No, I'd better not. She saw me when she entered, and if she had wished to +speak to me she would have sat down here beside me, or opposite me +perhaps. I shall show myself worthy of her by not thrusting my presence +upon her. But I wonder why she stands? She looks tired enough." + +Here Miss Hollister indulged in a very singular performance. She bowed her +head slightly at some one, apparently on the sidewalk, Willis thought, +murmured something, the purport of which Willis could not catch, and sat +down in the middle of the seat on the other side of the car, looking very +much annoyed--in fact, almost unamiable. + +Willis was more mystified than ever; but his mystification was as nothing +compared to his anxiety when, on reaching Forty-second Street, Miss +Hollister rose, and sweeping by him without a sign of recognition, left +the car. + +"Cut, by thunder!" ejaculated Willis, in consternation. "And why, I +wonder? Most incomprehensible affair. Can she be a woman of whims--with +eyes like those? Never. Impossible. And yet what else can be the matter?" + +Try as he might, Willis could not solve the problem. It was utterly past +solution as far as he was concerned. + +"I'll find out, and I'll find out like a brave man," he said, after +racking his brains for an hour or two in a vain endeavor to get at the +cause of Miss Hollister's cut. "I'll call upon her to-night and ask her." + +He was true to his first purpose, but not to his second. He called, but he +did not ask her, for Miss Hollister did not give him the chance to do so. +Upon receiving his card she sent down word that she was out. Two days +later, meeting him face to face upon the street, she gazed coldly at him, +and cut him once more. Six months later her engagement to a Boston man was +announced, and in the autumn following Miss Hollister of New York became +Mrs. Barrows of Boston. There were cards, but Willis did not receive one +of them. The cut was indeed complete and final. But why? That had now +become one of the great problems of Willis's life. What had he done to be +so badly treated? + + +II + +A year passed by, and Willis recovered from the dreadful blow to his +hopes, but he often puzzled over Miss Hollister's singular behavior +towards him. He had placed the matter before several of his friends, and, +with the exception of one of them, none was more capable of solving his +problem than he. This one had heard from his wife, a school friend and +intimate acquaintance of Miss Hollister, now Mrs. Barrows, that Willis's +ideal had once expressed herself to the effect that she had admired Willis +very much until she had discovered that he was not always as courteous as +he should be. + +"Courteous? Not as courteous as I should be?" retorted Willis. "When have +I ever been anything else? Why, my dear Bronson," he added, "you know what +my attitude towards womankind--as well as mankind--has always been. If +there is a creature in the world whose politeness is his weakness, I am +that creature. I'm the most courteous man living. When I play poker in my +own rooms I lose money, because I've made it a rule never to beat my +guests in cards or anything else." + +"That isn't politeness," said Bronson. "That's idiocy." + +"It proves my point," retorted Willis. "I'm polite to the verge of +insanity. Not as courteous as I should be! Great Scott! What did I ever do +or say to give her that idea?" + +"I don't know," Bronson replied. "Better ask her. Maybe you overdid your +politeness. Overdone courtesy is often worse than boorishness. You may +have been so polite on some occasion that you made Miss Hollister think +you considered her an inferior person. You know what the poet insinuated. +Sorosis holds no fury like a woman condescended to by a man." + +"I've half a mind to write to Mrs. Barrows and ask her what I did," said +Willis. + +"That would be lovely," said Bronson. "Barrows would be pleased." + +"True. I never thought of that," replied Willis. + +"You are not a thoughtful thinker," said Bronson, dryly. "If I were you +I'd bide my time, and some day you may get an explanation. Stranger things +have happened; and my wife tells me that the Barrowses are to spend the +coming winter in New York. You'll meet them out somewhere, no doubt." + +"No; I shall decline to go where they are. No woman shall cut me a second +time--not even Mrs. Barrows," said Willis, firmly. + +"Good! Stand by your colors," said Bronson, with an amused smile. + +A week or two later Willis received an invitation from Mr. and Mrs. +Bronson to dine with them informally. "I have some very clever friends I +want you to meet," she wrote. "So be sure to come." + +Willis went. The clever friends were Mr. and Mrs. Barrows; and, to the +surprise of Willis, he was received most effusively by the quondam Miss +Hollister. + +"Why, Mr. Willis," she said, extending her hand to him. "How delightful to +see you again!" + +"Thank you," said Willis, in some confusion. "I--er--I am sure it is a +very pleasant surprise for me. I--er--had no idea--" + +"Nor I," returned Mrs. Barrows. "And really I should have been a little +embarrassed, I think, had I known you were to be here. I--ha! ha!--it's so +very absurd that I almost hesitate to speak of it--but I feel I must. I've +treated you very badly." + +"Indeed!" said Willis, with a smile. "How, pray?" + +"Well, it wasn't my fault really," returned Mrs. Barrows; "but do you +remember, a little over a year ago, my riding up-town on a horse-car--a +Madison Avenue car--with you?" + +"H'm!" said Willis, with an affectation of reflection. "Let me see; +ah--yes--I think I do. We were the only ones on board, I believe, +and--ah--" + +Here Mrs. Barrows laughed outright. "You thought we were the only ones on +board, but--we weren't. The car was crowded," she said. + +"Then I don't remember it," said Willis. "The only time I ever rode on a +horse-car with you to my knowledge was--" + +"I know; this was the occasion," interrupted Mrs. Barrows. "You sat in a +corner at the rear end of the car when I entered, and I was very much put +out with you because it remained for a stranger, whom I had often seen and +to whom I had, for reasons unknown even to myself, taken a deep aversion, +to offer me his seat, and, what is more, compel me to take it." + +"I don't understand," said Willis. "We were alone on the car." + +"To your eyes we were, although at the time I did not know it. To my eyes +when I boarded it the car was occupied by enough people to fill all the +seats. You returned my bow as I entered, but did not offer me your seat. +The stranger did, and while I tried to decline it, I was unable to do so. +He was a man of about my own age, and he had a most remarkable pair of +eyes. There was no resisting them. His offer was a command; and as I rode +along and thought of your sitting motionless at the end of the car, +compelling me to stand, and being indirectly responsible for my acceptance +of courtesies from a total and disagreeable stranger, I became so very +indignant with you that I passed you without recognition as soon as I +could summon up courage to leave. I could not understand why you, who had +seemed to me to be the soul of politeness, should upon this occasion have +failed to do not what I should exact from any man, but what I had reason +to expect of you." + +"But, Mrs. Barrows," remonstrated Willis, "why should I give up a seat to +a lady when there were twenty other seats unoccupied on the same car?" + +"There is no reason in the world why you should," replied Mrs. Barrows. +"But it was not until last winter that I discovered the trick that had +been put upon us." + +"Ah?" said Willis. "Trick?" + +"Yes," said Mrs. Barrows. "It was a trick. The car was empty to your eyes, +but crowded to mine with the astral bodies of the members of the Boston +Theosophical Society." + +"Wha-a-at?" roared Willis. + +"It is just as I have said," replied Mrs. Barrows, with a silvery laugh. +"They are all great friends of my husband's, and one night last winter he +dined them at our house, and who do you suppose walked in first?" + +"Madame Blavatsky's ghost?" suggested Willis, with a grin. + +"Not quite," returned Mrs. Barrows. "But the horrible stranger of the +horse-car; and, do you know, he recalled the whole thing to my mind, +assuring me that he and the others had projected their astral bodies over +to New York for a week, and had a magnificent time unperceived by all save +myself, who was unconsciously psychic, and so able to perceive them in +their invisible forms." + +"It was a mean trick on me, Mrs. Barrows," said Willis, ruefully, as soon +as he had recovered sufficiently from his surprise to speak. + +"Oh no," she replied, with a repetition of her charming laugh, which +rearoused in Willis's breast all the regrets of a lost cause. "They didn't +intend it especially for you, anyhow." + +"Well," said Willis, "I think they did. They were friends of your +husband's, and they wanted to ruin me." + +"Ruin you? And why should the friends of Mr. Barrows have wished to do +that?" asked Mrs. Barrows, in astonishment. + +"Because," began Willis, slowly and softly--"because they probably knew +that from the moment I met you, I--But that is a story with a +disagreeable climax, Mrs. Barrows, so I shall not tell it. How do you like +Boston?" + + + + +THE LITERARY REMAINS OF THOMAS BRAGDON + +I was much pained one morning last winter on picking up a copy of the +_Times_ to note therein the announcement of the death of my friend Tom +Bragdon, from a sudden attack of la grippe. The news stunned me. It was +like a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, for I had not even heard that +Tom was ill; indeed, we had parted not more than four days previously +after a luncheon together, at which it was I who was the object of his +sympathy because a severe cold prevented my enjoyment of the whitebait, +the fillet, the cigar, and indeed of everything, not even excepting +Bragdon's conversation, which upon that occasion should have seemed more +than usually enlivening, since he was in one of his most exuberant moods. +His last words to me were, "Take care of yourself, Phil! I should hate to +have you die, for force of habit is so strong with me that I shall forever +continue to lunch with none but you, ordering two portions of everything, +which I am sure I could not eat, and how wasteful that would be!" And now +he had passed over the threshold into the valley, and I was left to mourn. + +I had known Bragdon as a successful commission merchant for some ten or +fifteen years, during which period of time we had been more or less +intimate, particularly so in the last five years of his life, when we were +drawn more closely together; I, attracted by the absolute genuineness of +his character, his delightful fancy, and to my mind wonderful originality, +for I never knew another like him; he, possibly by the fact that I was one +of the very few who could entirely understand him, could sympathize with +his peculiarities, which were many, and was always ready to enter into any +one of his odd moods, and with quite as much spirit as he himself should +display. It was an ideal friendship. + +[Illustration] + +It had been our custom every summer to take what Bragdon called spirit +trips together--that is to say, generally in the early spring, Bragdon and +I would choose some out-of-the-way corner of the world for exploration; we +would each read all the literature that we could find concerning the +chosen locality, saturate our minds with the spirit, atmosphere, and +history of the place, and then in August, boarding a small schooner-rigged +boat belonging to Bragdon, we would cruise about the Long Island Sound or +sail up and down the Hudson River for a week, where, tabooing all other +subjects, we would tell each other all that we had been able to discover +concerning the place we had decided upon for our imaginary visit. In this +way we became tolerably familiar with several places of interest which +neither of us had ever visited, and which, in my case, financial +limitations, and in Bragdon's, lack of time, were likely always to prevent +our seeing. As I remember the matter, this plan was Bragdon's own, and its +first suggestion by him was received by me with a smile of derision; but +the quaintness of the idea in time won me over, and after the first trial, +when we made a spirit trip to Beloochistan, I was so fascinated by my +experience that I eagerly looked forward to a second in the series, and +was always thereafter only too glad to bear my share of the trouble and +expense of our annual journeyings. In this manner we had practically +circumnavigated this world and one or two of the planets; for, content as +we were to visit unseen countries in spirit only, we were never hampered +by the ordinary limitations of travel, and where books failed to supply us +with information the imagination was called into play. The universe was +open to us at the expense of a captain for our sharpie, canned provisions +for a week, and a moderate consumption of gray matter in the conjuring up +of scenes with which neither ourselves nor others were familiar. The trips +were refreshing always, and in the case of our spirit journey through +Italy, which at that time neither of us had visited, but which I have +since had the good-fortune to see in the fulness of her beauty, I found it +to be far more delightful than the reality. + +[Illustration] + +"We'll go in," said Bragdon, when he proposed the Italian tour, "by the +St. Gothard route, the description of which I will prepare in detail +myself. You can take the lakes, rounding up with Como. I will follow with +the trip from Como to Milan, and Milan shall be my care. You can do Verona +and Padua; I Venice. Then we can both try our hands at Rome and Naples; in +the latter place, to save time, I will take Pompeii, you Capri. Thence we +can hark back to Rome, thence to Pisa, Genoa, and Turin, giving a day to +Siena and some of the quaint Etruscan towns, passing out by the Mont Cenis +route from Turin to Geneva. If you choose you can take a run along the +Riviera and visit Monte Carlo. For my own part, though, I'd prefer not to +do that, because it brings a sensational element into the trip which I +don't particularly care for. You'd have to gamble, and if your imagination +is to have full play you ought to lose all your money, contemplate +suicide, and all that. I don't think the results would be worth the mental +strain you'd have to go through, and I certainly should not enjoy hearing +about it. The rest of the trip, though, we can do easily in five days, +which will leave us two for fishing, if we feel so disposed. They say the +blue-fish are biting like the devil this year." + +I regret now that we did not include a stenographer among the necessaries +of our spirit trips, for, as I look back upon that Italian tour, it was +well worthy of preservation in book form, particularly Bragdon's +contributions, which were so delightfully imaginative that I cannot but +rejoice that he did not live to visit the scenes of which he so eloquently +spoke to me upon that occasion. The reality, I fear, would have been a +sore disappointment to him, particularly in relation to Venice, concerning +which his notions were vaguely suggestive of an earthly floating paradise. + +[Illustration] + +"Ah, Philip," he said, as we cast anchor one night in a little inlet near +Milford, Connecticut, "I shall never forget Venice. This," he added, +waving his hand over the silvery surface of the moonlit water--"this +reminds me of it. All is so still, so romantic, so beautiful. I arrived +late at night, and my first sensations were those of a man who has entered +a city of the dead. The bustle, the noise and clatter, of a great city +were absent; nothing was there but the massive buildings rising up out of +the still, peaceful waters like gigantic tombs, and as my gondolier guided +the sombre black craft to which I had confided my safety and that of my +valise, gliding in and out along those dark unlit streams, a great wave of +melancholy swept over me, and then, passing from the minor streets into +the Grand Canal, the melancholy was dispelled by the brilliant scene that +met my eyes--great floods of light coming from everywhere, the brilliance +of each ray re-enforced by its reflection in the silent river over which I +was speeding. It was like a glimpse of paradise, and when I reached my +palace I was loath to leave the gondola, for I really felt as though I +could glide along in that way through all eternity." + +"You lived in a palace in Venice?" I asked, somewhat amused at the +magnificence of this imaginary tour. + +"Certainly. Why not?" he replied. "I could not bring myself to staying in +a hotel, Phil, in Venice. Venice is of a past age, when hotels were not, +and to be thoroughly _en rapport_ with my surroundings, I took up my abode +in a palace, as I have said. It was on one of the side streets, to be +sure, but it was yet a palace, and a beautiful one. And that street! It +was a rivulet of beauty, in which could be seen myriads of golden-hued +fish at play, which as the gondola passed to and fro would flirt into +hiding until the intruder had passed out of sight in the Grand Canal, +after which they would come slowly back again to render the silver waters +almost golden with their brilliance." + +"Weren't you rather extravagant, Tom?" I asked. "Palaces are costly, are +they not?" + +"Oh no," he replied, with as much gravity as though he had really taken +the trip and was imparting information to a seeker after knowledge. "It +was not extravagant when you consider that anything in Venice in the way +of a habitable house is called a palace, and that there are no servants to +be tipped; that your lights, candles all, cost you first price only, and +not the profit of the landlord, plus that of the concierge, plus that of +the maid, plus several other small but aggravatingly augmentative sums +which make your hotel bills seem like highway robbery. No, living in a +palace, on the whole, is cheaper than living in a hotel; incidentals are +less numerous and not so costly; and then you are so independent. Mine was +a particularly handsome structure. I believe I have a picture of it here." + +Here Bragdon fumbled in his satchel for a moment, and then dragged forth a +small unmounted photograph of a Venetian street scene, and, pointing out +an ornate structure at the left of the picture, assured me that that was +his palace, though he had forgotten the name of it. + +"By-the-way," he said, "let me say parenthetically that I think our +foreign trips will have a far greater _vraisemblance_ if we heighten the +illusion with a few photographs, don't you? They cost about a quarter +apiece at Blank's, in Twenty-third Street." + +"A good idea that," I answered, amused at the thoroughness with which +Bragdon was "doing" Venice. "We can remember what we haven't seen so very +much more easily." + +"Yes," Bragdon said, "and besides, they'll keep us from exaggeration." + +And then he went on to tell me of his month in Venice; how he chartered a +gondola for the whole of his stay there from a handsome romantic Venetian +youth, whose name was on a card Tom had had printed for the occasion, +reading: + +GIUSEPPE ZOCCO +Gondolas at all Hours +Cor. Grand Canal and Garibaldi St. + +"Giuseppe was a character," Bragdon said. "One of the remnants of a +by-gone age. He could sing like a bird, and at night he used to bring his +friends around to the front of my palace and hitch up to one of the piles +that were driven beside my doorstep, and there they'd sing their soft +Italian melodies for me by the hour. It was better than Italian opera, and +only cost me ten dollars for the whole season." + +"And did this Giuseppe speak English, Tom?" I queried, "or did you speak +Italian? I am curious to know how you got on together in a conversational +sense." + +[Illustration] + +"That is a point, my dear Phil," Bragdon replied, "that I have never +decided. I have looked at it from every point of view, and it has baffled +me. I have asked myself the question, which would be the more likely, that +Giuseppe should speak English, or that I should speak Italian? It has +seemed to me that the latter would be the better way, for, all things +considered, an American produce-broker is more likely to be familiar with +the Italian tongue than a Venetian gondola-driver with the English. On the +other hand, we want our accounts of these trips to seem truthful, and you +_know_ that I am not familiar with Italian, and we do not either of us +know that a possible Zocco would not be a fluent speaker of English. To be +honest with you, I will say that I had hoped you would not ask the +question." + +"Well," I answered, "I'll withdraw it. As this is only a spirit trip we +can each decide the point as it seems best to us." + +"I think that is the proper plan," he said, and then, proceeding with his +story, he described to me the marvellous paintings that adorned the walls +of his palace; how he had tried to propel a gondola himself, and got a +fall into the "deliciously tepid waters of the canal," as he called them, +for his pains; and it seemed very real, so minute were the details into +which he entered. + +But the height of Bragdon's realism in telling his story of Venice was +reached when, diving down into the innermost recesses of his vest pocket, +he brought forth a silver filigree effigy of a gondola, which he handed me +with the statement that it was for me. + +"I got that in the plaza of St. Marc's. I had visited the cathedral, +inspected the mosaic flooring, taken a run to the top of the campanile, +fed the pigeons, and was just about returning to the palace, when I +thought of you, Phil, getting ready to do Rome with me, and I thought to +myself 'what a dear fellow he is!' and, as I thought that, it occurred to +me that I'd like you to know I had you in mind at the time, and so I +stopped in one of those brilliant little shops on the plaza, where they +keep everything they have in the windows, and bought that. It isn't much, +old fellow, but it's for remembrance' sake." + +I took it from him and pressed his hand affectionately, and for a moment, +as the little sharpie rose and fell with the rising and falling of the +slight undulating waves made by the passing up to anchorage of a small +steam-tug, I almost believed that Tom had been to Venice. I still treasure +the little filigree gondola, nor did I, when some years later I visited +Venice, see there anything for which I would have exchanged that sweet +token of remembrance. + +Bragdon, as will already have been surmised by you who read, was more of a +humorist than anything else, but the enthusiasm of his humor, its absolute +spontaneity and kindliness, gave it at times a semblance to what might +pass for true poetry. He was by disposition a thoroughly sweet spirit, and +when I realized that he had gone before, and that the trips he and I had +looked forward to with such almost boyish delight year by year were never +more to be had, my eyes grew wet, and for a time I was disconsolate; and +yet one week later I was laughing heartily at Bragdon. + +He had appointed me, it was found when his will was read, his literary +executor. I fairly roared with mirth to think of Bragdon's having a +literary executor, for, imaginative and humorous as he undoubtedly was, he +had been so thoroughly identified in my mind with the produce business +that I could scarcely bring myself to think of him in the light of a +literary person. Indeed, he had always seemed to me to have an intolerance +of literature. I had taken but half of a spirit trip with him when I +discovered that he relied more upon his own imagination for facts of +interest than upon what could be derived from books. He showed this trait +no more strongly than when we came, upon this same Italian tour of which I +have already written at some length, to do Rome together, for I then +discovered how imaginary indeed the trips were from his point of view. +What seemed to him as proper to be was, and neither history nor +considerations of locality ever interfered with the things being as he +desired them to be. Had it been otherwise he never would have endeavored +to make me believe that he had stood upon the very spot in the Colosseum +where Caesar addressed the Roman mob in impassioned words, exhorting them +to resist the encroachment upon their liberties of the Pope! + +At first it seemed to me that my late friend was indulging in a posthumous +joke, and I paid his memory the compliment of seeing the point. But when, +some days later, I received a note from his executors stating that they +had found in the store-room of Bragdon's house a large packing-box full of +papers and books, upon the cover of which was tacked a card bearing my +address, I began to wonder whether or not, after all, the imagination of +my dead friend had really led him to believe that he possessed literary +ability. + +I immediately sent word to the executors to have the box forwarded to me +by express, and awaited its coming with no little interest, and, it must +be confessed, with some anxiety; for I am apt to be depressed by the +literary lucubrations of those of my friends who, devoid of the literary +quality, do yet persist in writing, and for as long a time as I had known +Bragdon I had never experienced through him any sensations save those of +exhilaration, and I greatly feared a posthumous breaking of the spell. +Poet in feeling as I thought him, I could hardly imagine a poem written by +my friend, and while I had little doubt that I could live through the +reading of a novel or short prose sketch from his pen, I was apprehensive +as to the effect of a possible bit of verse. + +It seemed to me, in short, that a poem by Bragdon, while it might easily +show the poet's fancy, could not fail to show also the produce-broker's +clumsiness of touch. His charm was the spontaneity of his spoken words, +his enthusiastic personality disarming all criticism; what the labored +productions of his fancy might prove to be, I hardly dared think. It was +this dread that induced me, upon receipt of the box, appalling in its bulk +and unpleasantly suggestive of the departure to other worlds of the +original consignor, since it was long and deep like the outer oaken +covering of a casket, to delay opening it for some days; but finally I +nerved myself up to the duty that had devolved upon me, and opened the +box. + +[Illustration] + +It was full to overflowing with printed books in fine bindings, short +tales in Bragdon's familiar hand in copy-books, manuscripts almost without +number, three Russia-leather record-books containing, the title-page told +me, that which I most dreaded to find, _The Poems of Thomas Bragdon_, and +dedicated to "His Dearest Friend"--myself. I had no heart to read beyond +the dedication that night, but devoted all my time to getting the contents +of the box into my library, having done which I felt it absolutely +essential to my happiness to put on my coat, and, though the night was +stormy, to rush out into the air. I think I should have suffocated in an +open field with those literary remains of Thomas Bragdon heaped about me +that night. + +On my return I went immediately to bed, feeling by no means in the mood to +read _The Poems of Thomas Bragdon_. I tossed about through the night, +sleeping little, and in the morning rose up unrefreshed, and set about the +examination of the papers and books intrusted to my care by my departed +friend. And oh, the stuff I found there! If I was depressed at starting +in, I was stupefied when it was all over, for the collection was +mystifying to the point that it stunned. + +In the first place, on opening Volume I. of the _Poems of Thomas Bragdon_, +the first thing to greet my eyes were these lines: + + CONSTANCY + + Often have I heard it said + That her lips are ruby-red: + Little heed I what they say, + I have seen as red as they. + Ere she smiled on other men, + Real rubies were they then. + But now her lips are coy and cold; + To mine they ne'er reply; + And yet I cease not to behold + The love-light in her eye: + Her very frowns are fairer far + Than smiles of other maidens are. + +As I read I was conscious of having seen the lines somewhere before, and +yet I could not place them for the moment. They certainly possessed merit, +so much so, in fact, that I marvelled to think of their being Bragdon's. I +turned the leaves further and discovered this: + + DISAPPOINTMENT + + Come to me, O ye children, + For I hear you at your play, + And the questions that perplexed me + Have vanished quite away. + + The Poem of the Universe + Nor rhythm has nor rhyme; + Some God recites the wondrous song, + A stanza at a time. + + I dwell not now on what may be; + Night shadows o'er the scene; + But still my fancy wanders free + Through that which might have been. + +Two stanzas in the poem, the first and the last, reminded me, as did the +lines on "Constancy," of something I had read before. In a moment I had +placed the first as the opening lines of Longfellow's "Children," and a +search through my books showed that the concluding verse was taken bodily +from Peacock's exquisite little poem "Castles in the Air." + +Despairing to solve the problem that now confronted me, which was, in +brief, what Bragdon meant by bodily lifting stanzas from the poets and +making them over into mosaics of his own, I turned from the poems and cast +my eyes over some of the bound volumes in the box. + +The first of these to come to hand was a copy of _Hamlet_, bound in tree +calf, the sole lettering on the book being on the back, as follows: + +HAMLET +Bragdon +New York + +This I deemed a harmless bit of vanity, and not necessarily misleading, +since many collectors of books see fit to have their own names emblazoned +on the backs of their literary treasures; but pray imagine my horror upon +opening the volume to discover that the name of William Shakespeare had +been erased from the title-page, and that of Thomas Bragdon so carefully +inserted that except to a practised eye none would ever know that the page +was not as it had always been. I must confess to some mirth when I read +that title-page: + +HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK +A Tragedy +By +THOMAS BRAGDON, ESQUIRE + +The conceit was well worthy of my late friend in one of his most fanciful +moods. In other volumes the same substitution had been made, so that to +one not versed in literature it would have seemed as though "Thomas +Bragdon, Esquire," had been the author not only of _Hamlet_, but also of +_Vanity Fair_, _David Copperfield_, _Rienzi_, and many other famous works, +and I am not sure but that the great problem concerning the "Junius +Letters" was here solved to the satisfaction of Bragdon, if not to my own. +There were but two exceptions in the box to the rule of substituting the +name of Bragdon for that of the actual author; one of these was an Old +Testament, on the fly-leaf of which Bragdon had written, "To my dear +friend Bragdon," and signed "The Author." I think I should have laughed +for hours over this delightful reminder of my late friend's power of +imagination had not the second exception come almost immediately to +hand--a copy of Milton, which I recognized at once as one I had sent Tom +at Christmas two years before his death, and on the fly-leaf of which I +had written, "To Thomas Bragdon, with the love of, his faithfully, +Philip Marsden." This was, indeed, a commonplace enough inscription, but +it gathered unexpected force when I turned over a leaf and my eyes +rested on the title, where Bragdon's love of substitutes had led him to +put my name where Milton's had been. + +The discovery was too much for my equanimity. I was thoroughly +disconcerted, almost angry, and I felt, for the first time in my life, +that there had been vagaries in Bragdon's character with which I could not +entirely sympathize; but in justice to myself, it must be said, these +sentiments were induced by first thoughts only. Certainly there could be +but one way in which Bragdon's substitution of my name for Milton's could +prove injurious or offensive to me who was his friend, and that was by his +putting that copy out before the world to be circulated at random, which +avenue to my discomfiture he had effectually closed by leaving the book in +my hands, to do with it whatsoever I pleased. Second thoughts showed me +that it was only a fear of what the outsider might think that was +responsible for my temporary disloyalty to my departed comrade's memory, +and then when I remembered how thoroughly we twain had despised the +outsider, I was so ashamed of my aberration that I immediately renewed my +allegiance to the late King Tom; so heartily, in fact, that my emotions +wellnigh overcame me, and I found it best to seek distractions in the +outer world. + +I put on my hat and took a long walk along the Riverside Drive, the crisp +air of the winter night proving a tonic to my disturbed system. It was +after midnight when I returned to my apartment in a tolerably comfortable +frame of mind, and yet as I opened the door to my study I was filled with +a vague apprehension--of what I could not determine, but which events soon +justified, for as I closed the door behind me, and turned up the light +over my table, I became conscious of a pair of eyes fixed upon me. +Nervously whirling about in my chair and glancing over towards my +fireplace, I was for a moment transfixed with terror, for there, leaning +against the mantel and gazing sadly into the fire, was Tom Bragdon +himself--the man whom but a short time before I had seen lowered into his +grave. + +[Illustration] + +"Tom," I cried, springing to my feet and rushing towards him--"Tom, what +does this mean? Why have you come back from the spirit world to--to haunt +me?" + +As I spoke he raised his head slowly until his eyes rested full upon my +own, whereupon he vanished, all save those eyes, which remained fixed upon +mine, and filled with the soft, affectionate glow I had so often seen in +them in life. + +"Tom," I cried again, holding out my hand towards him in a beseeching +fashion, "come back. Explain this dreadful mystery if you do not wish me +to lose my senses." + +And then the eyes faded from my sight, and I was alone again. Horrified by +my experience, I rushed from the study into my bedroom, where I threw +myself, groaning, upon my couch. To collect my scattered senses was of +difficult performance, and when finally my agitated nerves did begin to +assume a moderately normal state, they were set adrift once more by Tom's +voice, which was unmistakably plain, bidding me to come back to him there +in the study. Fearful as I was of the results, I could not but obey, and I +rose tremblingly from my bed and tottered back to my desk, to see Bragdon +sitting opposite my usual place just as he had so often done when in the +flesh. + +"Phil," he said in a moment, "don't be afraid. I couldn't hurt you if I +would, and you know--or if you don't know you ought to know--that to +promote your welfare has always been the supremest of my desires. I have +returned to you here to-night to explain my motive in making the +alterations in those books, and to account for the peculiarities of those +verses. We have known each other, my dear boy, how many years?" + +"Fifteen, Tom," I said, my voice husky with emotion. + +"Yes, fifteen years, and fifteen happy years, Phil. Happy years to me, to +whom the friendship of one who understood me was the dearest of many dear +possessions. From the moment I met you I felt I had at last a friend, one +to whom my very self might be confided, and who would through all time and +under all circumstances prove true to that trust. It seemed to me that you +were my soul's twin, Phil, and as the years passed on and we grew closer +to each other, when the rough corners of my nature adapted themselves to +the curves of yours, I almost began to think that we were but one soul +united in all things spiritual, two only in matters material. I never +spoke of it to you; I thought of it in communion with myself; I never +thought it necessary to speak of it to you, for I was satisfied that you +knew. I did not realize until--until that night a fortnight since, when +almost without warning I found myself on the threshold of the dark valley, +that perhaps I was mistaken. I missed you, and so sudden was the attack, +and so swiftly did the heralds of death intrude upon me, that I had no +time to summon you, as I wished; and as I lay there upon my bed, to the +watchers unconscious, it came to me, like a dash of cold water in my face, +that after all we were not one, but in reality two; for had we been one, +you would have known of the perilous estate of your other self, and would +have been with me at the last. And, Phil, the realization that chilled my +very soul, that showed me that what I most dearly loved to believe was +founded in unreality, reconciled me to the journey I was about to take +into other worlds, for I knew that should I recover, life could never seem +quite the same to me." + +Here Bragdon, or his spirit, stopped speaking for a moment, and I tried to +say something, but could not. + +"I know how you feel, Phil," said he, noticing my discomfiture, "for, +though you are not so much a part of me that you thoroughly comprehend me, +I have become so much a part of you that your innermost thoughts are as +plain to me as though they were mine. But let me finish. I realized when I +lay ill and about to die that I had permitted my theory of happiness to +obscure my perception of the actual. As you know, my whole life has been +given over to imagination--all save that portion of my existence, which I +shall not dignify by calling life, when I was forced by circumstances to +bring myself down to realities. I did not live whilst in commercial +pursuits. It was only when I could leave business behind and travel in +fancy wheresoever I wished that I was happy, and in those moments, Phil, I +was full of aspiration to do those things for which nature had not fitted +me, and to the extent that I recognized my inability to do those things I +failed to be content. I should have liked to be a great writer, a poet, a +great dramatist, a novelist--a little of everything in the literary world. +I should have liked to know Shakespeare, to have been the friend of +Milton; and when I came out of my dreams it made me unhappy to think that +such I never could be, until one day this idea came to me: all the +happiness of life is bound up in the 'let's pretend' games which we learn +in childhood, and no harm results to any one. If I can imagine myself off +with my friend Phil Marsden in the lakes of England and Scotland, in the +African jungle, in the moon, anywhere, and enter so far into the spirit of +the trips as to feel that they are real and not imagination, why may I not +in fancy be all these things that I so aspire to be? Why may not the plays +of Shakespeare become the plays of Thomas Bragdon? Why may not the poems +of Milton become the poems of my dearest, closest friend Phil Marsden? +What is to prevent my achieving the highest position in letters, art, +politics, science, anything, in imagination? I acted upon the thought, and +I found the plan worked admirably up to a certain point. It was easy to +fancy myself the author of _Hamlet_, until I took my copy of that work in +hand to read, and then it would shock and bring me back to earth again to +see the name of another on the title-page. My solution of this vexatious +complication was soon found. Surely, thought I, it can harm no one if I +choose in behalf of my own conceit to substitute my name for that of +Shakespeare, and I did so. The illusion was complete; indeed, it became no +illusion, for my eyes did not deceive me. I saw what existed: the +title-page of _Hamlet_ by Thomas Bragdon. I carried the plan further, and +where I found a piece of literature that I admired, there I made the +substitution of my name for that of the real author, and in the case of +that delightful copy of Milton you gave me, Phil, it pleased me to believe +that it was presented to me by the author, only the inscription on the +title-page made it necessary for me to foist upon you the burden or +distinction of authorship. Then, as I lived on in my imaginary paradise, +it struck me that for one who had done such great things in letters I was +doing precious little writing, and I bethought me of a plan which a +dreadful reality made all the more pleasing. I looked into literature to a +slight extent, and I perceived at once that originality is no longer +possible. The great thoughts have been thought; the great truths have been +grasped and made clear; the great poems have been written. I saw that the +literature of to-day is either an echo of the past or a combination of the +ideas of many in the productions of the individual, and upon that basis I +worked. My poems are combinations. I have taken a stanza from one poet, +and combining it with a stanza from another, have made the resulting poem +my own, and in so far as I have made no effort to profit thereby I have +been clear in my conscience. No one has been deceived but myself, though I +saw with some regret this evening when you read my lines that you were +puzzled by them. I had believed that you understood me sufficiently to +comprehend them." + +Here my ghostly visitor paused a moment and sighed. I felt as though some +explanation of my lack of comprehension early in the evening was +necessary, and so I said: + +"I should have understood you, Tom, and I do now, but I have not the +strength of imagination that you have." + +"You are wrong there, Phil," said he. "You have every bit as strong an +imagination as I, but you do not keep it in form. You do not exercise it +enough. How have you developed your muscles? By constant exercise. The +imagination needs to be kept in play quite as much as the muscles, if we +do not wish it to become flabby as the muscles become when neglected. That +your imagination is a strong one is shown by my presence before you +to-night. In reality, Phil, I am lying out there in Greenwood, cold in my +grave. Your imagination places me here, and as applied to my books, the +play of _Hamlet_ by Thomas Bragdon, and my poems, they will also +demonstrate to you the strength of your fancy if you will show them, say, +to your janitor, to-morrow morning. Try it, Phil, and see; but this is +only a part, my boy, of what I have come here to say to you. I am here, in +the main, to show you that throughout all eternity happiness may be ours +if we but take advantage of our fancy. Do you take delight in my society? +Imagine me present, Phil, and I will be present. There need be no death +for us, there need be no separation throughout all the years to come, if +you but exercise your fancy in life, and when life on this earth ends, +then shall we be reunited according to nature's laws. Good-night, Phil. It +is late; and while I could sit here and talk forever without weariness, +you, who have yet to put off your mortal limitations, will be worn out if +I remain longer." + +We shook hands affectionately, and Bragdon vanished as unceremoniously as +he had appeared. For an hour after his departure I sat reflecting over the +strange events of the evening, and finally, worn out in body and mind, +dropped off into sleep. When I awakened it was late in the forenoon, and I +was surprised when I recalled all that I had gone through to feel a sense +of exhilaration. I was certainly thoroughly rested, and cares which had +weighed rather heavily on me in the past now seemed light and +inconsiderable. My apartments never looked so attractive, and on my table, +to my utter surprise and delight, I saw several objects of art, notably a +Bary-- bronze, that it had been one of my most cherished hopes to possess. +Where they came from I singularly enough did not care to discover; suffice +it to say that they have remained there ever since, nor have I been at all +curious to know to whose generosity I owe them, though when that afternoon +I followed Bragdon's advice, and showed his book of poems and the volume +of _Hamlet_ to the janitor, a vague notion as to how matters really stood +entered my mind. The janitor cast his eye over the leather-covered book of +poems when I asked what he thought of it. + +"Nothin' much," he said. "You goin' to keep a diary?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked. + +[Illustration] + +"Why, when I sees people with handsome blank books like that I allus +supposes that's their object." + +_Blank-book indeed!_ And yet, perhaps, he was not wrong. I did not +question it, but handed him the Bragdon _Hamlet_. + +"Read that page aloud to me," I said, indicating the title-page and +turning my back upon him, almost dreading to hear him speak. + +"Certainly, if you wish it; but aren't you feeling well this morning, Mr. +Marsden?" + +"Very," I replied, shortly. "Go on and read." + +"Hamlet, Prince of Denmark," he read, in a halting sort of fashion. + +"Yes, yes; and what else?" I cried, impatiently. + +"A Tragedy by William Shak--" + +That was enough for me. I understood Tom, and at last I understood myself. +I grasped the book from the janitor's hands, rather roughly, I fear, and +bade him begone. + + +The happiest period of my life has elapsed since then. I understand that +some of my friends profess to believe me queer; but I do not care. I am +content. + +The world is practically mine, and Bragdon and I are always together. + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Water Ghost and Others, by John Kendrick Bangs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS *** + +***** This file should be named 8377.txt or 8377.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/3/7/8377/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Water Ghost and Others + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8377] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on July 4, 2003] +[Date last updated: November 14, 2004] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Beth Trapaga +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + +[Illustration] + + +John Kendrick Bangs + + +THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS + + + +To Francis Sedgwick Bangs + + +CONTENTS + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL + +THE SPECTRE COOK OF BANGLETOP + +THE SPECK ON THE LENS + +A MIDNIGHT VISITOR + +A QUICKSILVER CASSANDRA + +THE GHOST CLUB + +A PSYCHICAL PRANK + +THE LITERARY REMAINS OF THOMAS BRAGDON + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + +"'WELCOME TO BANGLETOP'" +A DEPARTING COOK +THE BARON'S BREAKFAST WAS NOT PAY-DAY +TERWILLIGER TO THE RESCUE +"COOK!" HE WHISPERED +THE PRESENCE HAD ASSUMED SHAPE +"'NO TALKERS,' RETORTED THE GHOST" +THEY SHOOK HANDS AND PARTED +THE H'EARL, OF MUGLEY +"'TO ARIADNE, OF COURSE'" +"A DUKE IS A DUKE THE WORLD OVER" +BACK TO THE SPIRIT VALE +"MARTYRS' NIGHT" +"DO YOU HEAR THAT BOLT SLIDE?" +THE VISITOR ARRIVES +"I LOOKED UPON MY REFLECTION IN THE GLASS" +THE RED TIE +"NOT A CARD FELL" +"'GRAB HOLD OF ME, BOYS'" +"I MUST HAVE FAINTED" +THE MIND-READING FEATS ON THE CLUB'S BUTLER +"5010" +"PEGGING SHOES LIKE A GENTLEMAN" +5010 BECOMES EXCITED +"NO LESS A PERSON THAN HAWLEY HICKS" +"'JUST WATCH ME'" +NOAH AND DAVY CROCKETT +SOLOMON AND DOCTOR JOHNSON +MOZART TRIES HIS HAND AT THE BANJO +WAITING FOR THE CRITICS +NAPOLEON BONAPARTE AND THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON +THE GIFT OF THE SPOONS +"'LET ME SHAAK DTHOT HAND'" +"HE WAS IN AN UNUSUALLY EXUBERANT MOOD" +ON A SPIRIT SHIP +"MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE REALITY" +GIUSEPPE ZOCCO +"BUT FINALLY I OPENED THE BOX" +"GAZING INTO THE FIRE WAS TOM BRAGDON" +"'YOU GOIN' TO KEEP A DIARY?'" + + + + +THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL + +The trouble with Harrowby Hall was that it was haunted, and, what was +worse, the ghost did not content itself with merely appearing at the +bedside of the afflicted person who saw it, but persisted in remaining +there for one mortal hour before it would disappear. + +It never appeared except on Christmas Eve, and then as the clock was +striking twelve, in which respect alone was it lacking in that originality +which in these days is a _sine qua non_ of success in spectral life. The +owners of Harrowby Hall had done their utmost to rid themselves of the +damp and dewy lady who rose up out of the best bedroom floor at midnight, +but without avail. They had tried stopping the clock, so that the ghost +would not know when it was midnight; but she made her appearance just the +same, with that fearful miasmatic personality of hers, and there she would +stand until everything about her was thoroughly saturated. + +Then the owners of Harrowby Hall calked up every crack in the floor with +the very best quality of hemp, and over this was placed layers of tar and +canvas; the walls were made water-proof, and the doors and windows +likewise, the proprietors having conceived the notion that the unexorcised +lady would find it difficult to leak into the room after these precautions +had been taken; but even this did not suffice. The following Christmas Eve +she appeared as promptly as before, and frightened the occupant of the +room quite out of his senses by sitting down alongside of him and gazing +with her cavernous blue eyes into his; and he noticed, too, that in her +long, aqueously bony fingers bits of dripping sea-weed were entwined, the +ends hanging down, and these ends she drew across his forehead until he +became like one insane. And then he swooned away, and was found +unconscious in his bed the next morning by his host, simply saturated with +sea-water and fright, from the combined effects of which he never +recovered, dying four years later of pneumonia and nervous prostration at +the age of seventy-eight. + +The next year the master of Harrowby Hall decided not to have the best +spare bedroom opened at all, thinking that perhaps the ghost's thirst for +making herself disagreeable would be satisfied by haunting the furniture, +but the plan was as unavailing as the many that had preceded it. + +The ghost appeared as usual in the room--that is, it was supposed she did, +for the hangings were dripping wet the next morning, and in the parlor +below the haunted room a great damp spot appeared on the ceiling. Finding +no one there, she immediately set out to learn the reason why, and she +chose none other to haunt than the owner of the Harrowby himself. She +found him in his own cosey room drinking whiskey--whiskey undiluted--and +felicitating himself upon having foiled her ghostship, when all of a +sudden the curl went out of his hair, his whiskey bottle filled and +overflowed, and he was himself in a condition similar to that of a man who +has fallen into a water-butt. When he recovered from the shock, which was +a painful one, he saw before him the lady of the cavernous eyes and +sea-weed fingers. The sight was so unexpected and so terrifying that he +fainted, but immediately came to, because of the vast amount of water in +his hair, which, trickling down over his face, restored his consciousness. + +Now it so happened that the master of Harrowby was a brave man, and while +he was not particularly fond of interviewing ghosts, especially such +quenching ghosts as the one before him, he was not to be daunted by an +apparition. He had paid the lady the compliment of fainting from the +effects of his first surprise, and now that he had come to he intended to +find out a few things he felt he had a right to know. He would have liked +to put on a dry suit of clothes first, but the apparition declined to +leave him for an instant until her hour was up, and he was forced to deny +himself that pleasure. Every time he would move she would follow him, with +the result that everything she came in contact with got a ducking. In an +effort to warm himself up he approached the fire, an unfortunate move as +it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly over the fire, which +immediately was extinguished. The whiskey became utterly valueless as a +comforter to his chilled system, because it was by this time diluted to a +proportion of ninety per cent of water. The only thing he could do to ward +off the evil effects of his encounter he did, and that was to swallow ten +two-grain quinine pills, which he managed to put into his mouth before the +ghost had time to interfere. Having done this, he turned with some +asperity to the ghost, and said: + +"Far be it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam, but I'm hanged if it +wouldn't please me better if you'd stop these infernal visits of yours to +this house. Go sit out on the lake, if you like that sort of thing; soak +the water-butt, if you wish; but do not, I implore you, come into a +gentleman's house and saturate him and his possessions in this way. It is +damned disagreeable." + +"Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe," said the ghost, in a gurgling voice, "you +don't know what you are talking about." + +"Madam," returned the unhappy householder, "I wish that remark were +strictly truthful. I was talking about you. It would be shillings and +pence--nay, pounds, in my pocket, madam, if I did not know you." + +"That is a bit of specious nonsense," returned the ghost, throwing a quart +of indignation into the face of the master of Harrowby. "It may rank high +as repartee, but as a comment upon my statement that you do not know what +you are talking about, it savors of irrelevant impertinence. You do not +know that I am compelled to haunt this place year after year by inexorable +fate. It is no pleasure to me to enter this house, and ruin and mildew +everything I touch. I never aspired to be a shower-bath, but it is my +doom. Do you know who I am?" + +"No, I don't," returned the master of Harrowby. "I should say you were the +Lady of the Lake, or Little Sallie Waters." + +"You are a witty man for your years," said the ghost. + +"Well, my humor is drier than yours ever will be," returned the master. + +"No doubt. I'm never dry. I am the Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall, and +dryness is a quality entirely beyond my wildest hope. I have been the +incumbent of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred years +to-night." + +"How the deuce did you ever come to get elected?" asked the master. + +"Through a suicide," replied the spectre. "I am the ghost of that fair +maiden whose picture hangs over the mantel-piece in the drawing-room. I +should have been your great-great-great-great-great-aunt if I had lived, +Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe, for I was the own sister of your +great-great-great-great-grandfather." + +"But what induced you to get this house into such a predicament?" + +"I was not to blame, sir," returned the lady. "It was my father's fault. +He it was who built Harrowby Hall, and the haunted chamber was to have +been mine. My father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well +that blue and gray formed the only combination of color I could tolerate. +He did it merely to spite me, and, with what I deem a proper spirit, I +declined to live in the room; whereupon my father said I could live there +or on the lawn, he didn't care which. That night I ran from the house and +jumped over the cliff into the sea." + +"That was rash," said the master of Harrowby. + +"So I've heard," returned the ghost. "If I had known what the consequences +were to be I should not have jumped; but I really never realized what I +was doing until after I was drowned. I had been drowned a week when a +sea-nymph came to me and informed me that I was to be one of her followers +forever afterwards, adding that it should be my doom to haunt Harrowby +Hall for one hour every Christmas Eve throughout the rest of eternity. I +was to haunt that room on such Christmas Eves as I found it inhabited; and +if it should turn out not to be inhabited, I was and am to spend the +allotted hour with the head of the house." + +"I'll sell the place." + +"That you cannot do, for it is also required of me that I shall appear as +the deeds are to be delivered to any purchaser, and divulge to him the +awful secret of the house." + +"Do you mean to tell me that on every Christmas Eve that I don't happen to +have somebody in that guest-chamber, you are going to haunt me wherever I +may be, ruining my whiskey, taking all the curl out of my hair, +extinguishing my fire, and soaking me through to the skin?" demanded the +master. + +"You have stated the case, Oglethorpe. And what is more," said the water +ghost, "it doesn't make the slightest difference where you are, if I find +that room empty, wherever you may be I shall douse you with my spectral +pres--" + +Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition faded away. It +was perhaps more of a trickle than a fade, but as a disappearance it was +complete. + +"By St. George and his Dragon!" ejaculated the master of Harrowby, +wringing his hands. "It is guineas to hot-cross buns that next Christmas +there's an occupant of the spare room, or I spend the night in a +bath-tub." + +But the master of Harrowby would have lost his wager had there been any +one there to take him up, for when Christmas Eve came again he was in his +grave, never having recovered from the cold contracted that awful night. +Harrowby Hall was closed, and the heir to the estate was in London, where +to him in his chambers came the same experience that his father had gone +through, saving only that, being younger and stronger, he survived the +shock. Everything in his rooms was ruined--his clocks were rusted in the +works; a fine collection of water-color drawings was entirely obliterated +by the onslaught of the water ghost; and what was worse, the apartments +below his were drenched with the water soaking through the floors, a +damage for which he was compelled to pay, and which resulted in his being +requested by his landlady to vacate the premises immediately. + +The story of the visitation inflicted upon his family had gone abroad, and +no one could be got to invite him out to any function save afternoon teas +and receptions. Fathers of daughters declined to permit him to remain in +their houses later than eight o'clock at night, not knowing but that some +emergency might arise in the supernatural world which would require the +unexpected appearance of the water ghost in this on nights other than +Christmas Eve, and before the mystic hour when weary churchyards, ignoring +the rules which are supposed to govern polite society, begin to yawn. Nor +would the maids themselves have aught to do with him, fearing the +destruction by the sudden incursion of aqueous femininity of the costumes +which they held most dear. + +So the heir of Harrowby Hall resolved, as his ancestors for several +generations before him had resolved, that something must be done. His +first thought was to make one of his servants occupy the haunted room at +the crucial moment; but in this he failed, because the servants themselves +knew the history of that room and rebelled. None of his friends would +consent to sacrifice their personal comfort to his, nor was there to be +found in all England a man so poor as to be willing to occupy the doomed +chamber on Christmas Eve for pay. + +Then the thought came to the heir to have the fireplace in the room +enlarged, so that he might evaporate the ghost at its first appearance, +and he was felicitating himself upon the ingenuity of his plan, when he +remembered what his father had told him--how that no fire could withstand +the lady's extremely contagious dampness. And then he bethought him of +steam-pipes. These, he remembered, could lie hundreds of feet deep in +water, and still retain sufficient heat to drive the water away in vapor; +and as a result of this thought the haunted room was heated by steam to a +withering degree, and the heir for six months attended daily the Turkish +baths, so that when Christmas Eve came he could himself withstand the +awful temperature of the room. + +The scheme was only partially successful. The water ghost appeared at the +specified time, and found the heir of Harrowby prepared; but hot as the +room was, it shortened her visit by no more than five minutes in the hour, +during which time the nervous system of the young master was wellnigh +shattered, and the room itself was cracked and warped to an extent which +required the outlay of a large sum of money to remedy. And worse than +this, as the last drop of the water ghost was slowly sizzling itself out +on the floor, she whispered to her would-be conqueror that his scheme +would avail him nothing, because there was still water in great plenty +where she came from, and that next year would find her rehabilitated and +as exasperatingly saturating as ever. + +It was then that the natural action of the mind, in going from one extreme +to the other, suggested to the ingenious heir of Harrowby the means by +which the water ghost was ultimately conquered, and happiness once more +came within the grasp of the house of Oglethorpe. + +The heir provided himself with a warm suit of fur under-clothing. Donning +this with the furry side in, he placed over it a rubber garment, +tightfitting, which he wore just as a woman wears a jersey. On top of this +he placed another set of under-clothing, this suit made of wool, and over +this was a second rubber garment like the first. Upon his head he placed a +light and comfortable diving helmet, and so clad, on the following +Christmas Eve he awaited the coming of his tormentor. + +It was a bitterly cold night that brought to a close this twenty-fourth +day of December. The air outside was still, but the temperature was below +zero. Within all was quiet, the servants of Harrowby Hall awaiting with +beating hearts the outcome of their master's campaign against his +supernatural visitor. + +The master himself was lying on the bed in the haunted room, clad as has +already been indicated, and then-- + +The clock clanged out the hour of twelve. + +There was a sudden banging of doors, a blast of cold air swept through the +halls, the door leading into the haunted chamber flew open, a splash was +heard, and the water ghost was seen standing at the side of the heir of +Harrowby, from whose outer dress there streamed rivulets of water, but +whose own person deep down under the various garments he wore was as dry +and as warm as he could have wished. + +"Ha!" said the young master of Harrowby. "I'm glad to see you." + +"You are the most original man I've met, if that is true," returned the +ghost. "May I ask where did you get that hat?" + +"Certainly, madam," returned the master, courteously. "It is a little +portable observatory I had made for just such emergencies as this. But, +tell me, is it true that you are doomed to follow me about for one mortal +hour--to stand where I stand, to sit where I sit?" + +"That is my delectable fate," returned the lady. + +"We'll go out on the lake," said the master, starting up. + +"You can't get rid of me that way," returned the ghost. "The water won't +swallow me up; in fact, it will just add to my present bulk." + +"Nevertheless," said the master, firmly, "we will go out on the lake." + +"But, my dear sir," returned the ghost, with a pale reluctance, "it is +fearfully cold out there. You will be frozen hard before you've been out +ten minutes." + +"Oh no, I'll not," replied the master. "I am very warmly dressed. Come!" +This last in a tone of command that made the ghost ripple. + +And they started. + +They had not gone far before the water ghost showed signs of distress. + +"You walk too slowly," she said. "I am nearly frozen. My knees are so +stiff now I can hardly move. I beseech you to accelerate your step." + +"I should like to oblige a lady," returned the master, courteously, "but +my clothes are rather heavy, and a hundred yards an hour is about my +speed. Indeed, I think we would better sit down here on this snowdrift, +and talk matters over." + +"Do not! Do not do so, I beg!" cried the ghost. "Let me move on. I feel +myself growing rigid as it is. If we stop here, I shall be frozen stiff." + +"That, madam," said the master slowly, and seating himself on an +ice-cake--"that is why I have brought you here. We have been on this spot +just ten minutes, we have fifty more. Take your time about it, madam, but +freeze, that is all I ask of you." + +"I cannot move my right leg now," cried the ghost, in despair, "and my +overskirt is a solid sheet of ice. Oh, good, kind Mr. Oglethorpe, light a +fire, and let me go free from these icy fetters." + +"Never, madam. It cannot be. I have you at last." + +"Alas!" cried the ghost, a tear trickling down her frozen cheek. "Help me, +I beg. I congeal!" + +"Congeal, madam, congeal!" returned Oglethorpe, coldly. "You have drenched +me and mine for two hundred and three years, madam. To-night you have had +your last drench." + +"Ah, but I shall thaw out again, and then you'll see. Instead of the +comfortably tepid, genial ghost I have been in my past, sir, I shall be +iced-water," cried the lady, threateningly. + +"No, you won't, either," returned Oglethorpe; "for when you are frozen +quite stiff, I shall send you to a cold-storage warehouse, and there shall +you remain an icy work of art forever more." + +"But warehouses burn." + +"So they do, but this warehouse cannot burn. It is made of asbestos and +surrounding it are fire-proof walls, and within those walls the +temperature is now and shall forever be 416 degrees below the zero point; +low enough to make an icicle of any flame in this world--or the next," the +master added, with an ill-suppressed chuckle. + +"For the last time let me beseech you. I would go on my knees to you, +Oglethorpe, were they not already frozen. I beg of you do not doo--" + +Here even the words froze on the water ghost's lips and the clock struck +one. There was a momentary tremor throughout the ice-bound form, and the +moon, coming out from behind a cloud, shone down on the rigid figure of a +beautiful woman sculptured in clear, transparent ice. There stood the +ghost of Harrowby Hall, conquered by the cold, a prisoner for all time. + +The heir of Harrowby had won at last, and to-day in a large storage house +in London stands the frigid form of one who will never again flood the +house of Oglethorpe with woe and sea-water. + +As for the heir of Harrowby, his success in coping with a ghost has made +him famous, a fame that still lingers about him, although his victory took +place some twenty years ago; and so far from being unpopular with the fair +sex, as he was when we first knew him, he has not only been married twice, +but is to lead a third bride to the altar before the year is out. + + + + +THE SPECTRE COOK OF BANGLETOP + + +I + +For the purposes of this bit of history, Bangletop Hall stands upon a +grassy knoll on the left bank of the River Dee, about eighteen miles +from the quaint old city of Chester. It does not in reality stand there, +nor has it ever done so, but consideration for the interests of the +living compels me to conceal its exact location, and so to befog the +public as to its whereabouts that its identity may never be revealed to +its disadvantage. It is a rentable property, and were it known that it +has had a mystery connected with it of so deep, dark, and eerie a nature +as that about to be related, I fear that its usefulness, save as an +accessory to romance, would be seriously impaired, and that as an +investment it would become practically worthless. + +The hall is a fair specimen of the architecture which prevailed at the +time of Edward the Confessor; that is to say, the main portion of the +structure, erected in Edward's time by the first Baron Bangletop, has +that square, substantial, stony aspect which to the eye versed in +architecture identifies it at once as a product of that enlightened era. +Later owners, the successive Barons Bangletop, have added to its original +dimensions, putting Queen Anne wings here, Elizabethan ells there, and an +Italian-Renaissance facade on the river front. A Wisconsin water tower, +connected with the main building by a low Gothic alleyway, stands to the +south; while toward the east is a Greek chapel, used by the present +occupant as a store-room for his wife's trunks, she having lately +returned from Paris with a wardrobe calculated to last through the first +half of the coming London season. Altogether Bangletop Hall is an +impressive structure, and at first sight gives rise to various emotions +in the aesthetic breast; some cavil, others admire. One leading architect +of Berlin travelled all the way from his German home to Bangletop Hall to +show that famous structure to his son, a student in the profession which +his father adorned; to whom he is said to have observed that, +architecturally, Bangletop Hall was "cosmopolitan and omniperiodic, and +therefore a liberal education to all who should come to study and master +its details." In short, Bangletop Hall was an object-lesson to young +architects, and showed them at a glance that which they should ever +strive to avoid. + +Strange to say, for quite two centuries had Bangletop Hall remained +without a tenant, and for nearly seventy-five years it had been in the +market for rent, the barons, father and son, for many generations having +found it impossible to dwell within its walls, and for a very good reason: +no cook could ever be induced to live at Bangletop for a longer period +than two weeks. Why the queens of the kitchen invariably took what is +commonly known as French leave no occupant could ever learn, because, male +or female, the departed domestics never returned to tell, and even had +they done so, the pride of the Bangletops would not have permitted them to +listen to the explanation. The Bangletop escutcheon was clear of blots, no +suspicion even of a conversational blemish appearing thereon, and it was +always a matter of extreme satisfaction to the family that no one of its +scions since the title was created had ever been known to speak directly +to any one of lesser rank than himself, communication with inferiors being +always had through the medium of a private secretary, himself a baron, or +better, in reduced circumstances. + +The first cook to leave Bangletop under circumstances of a Gallic +nature--that is, without known cause, wages, or luggage--had been employed +by Fitzherbert Alexander, seventeenth Baron of Bangletop, through Charles +Mortimor de Herbert, Baron Peddlington, formerly of Peddlington Manor at +Dunwoodie-on-the-Hike, his private secretary, a handsome old gentleman of +sixty-five, who had been deprived of his estates by the crown in 1629 +because he was suspected of having inspired a comic broadside published in +those troublous days, and directed against Charles the First, which had +set all London in a roar. + +This broadside, one of very few which are not preserved in the British +Museum--and a greater tribute to its rarity could not be devised--was +called, "A Good Suggestion as to ye Proper Use of ye Chinne Whisker," and +consisted of a few lines of doggerel printed beneath a caricature of the +king, with the crown hanging from his goatee, reading as follows: + +"_Ye King doth sporte a gallous grey goatee +Uponne ye chinne, where every one may see. +And since ye Monarch's head's too small to holde +With comfort to himselfe ye crowne of gold, +Why not enwax and hooke ye goatee rare, +And lette ye British crown hang down from there?_" + +[Illustration] + +Whether or no the Baron of Peddlington was guilty of this traitorous +effusion no one, not even the king, could ever really make up his mind. +The charge was never fully proven, nor was De Herbert ever able to refute +it successfully, although he made frantic efforts to do so. The king, +eminently just in such matters, gave the baron the benefit of the doubt, +and inflicted only half the penalty prescribed, confiscating his estates, +and letting him keep his head and liberty. De Herbert's family begged the +crown to reverse the sentence, permitting them to keep the estates, the +king taking their uncle's head in lieu thereof, he being unmarried and +having no children who would mourn his loss. But Charles was poor rather +than vindictive at this period, and preferring to adopt the other course, +turned a deaf ear to the petitioners. This was probably one of the +earliest factors in the decadence of literature as a pastime for men of +high station. + +De Herbert would have starved had it not been for his old friend Baron +Bangletop, who offered him the post of private secretary, lately made +vacant by the death of the Duke of Algeria, who had been the incumbent of +that office for ten years, and in a short time the Baron of Peddlington +was in full charge of the domestic arrangements of his friend. It was far +from easy, the work that devolved upon him. He was a proud, haughty man, +used to luxury of every sort, to whom contact with those who serve was +truly distasteful; to whom the necessity of himself serving was most +galling; but he had the manliness to face the hardships Fate had put upon +him, particularly when he realized that Baron Bangletop's attitude towards +servants was such that he could with impunity impose on the latter seven +indignities for every one that was imposed on him. Misery loves company, +particularly when she is herself the hostess, and can give generously of +her stores to others. + +Desiring to retrieve his fallen fortunes, the Baron of Peddlington offered +large salaries to those whom he employed to serve in the Bangletop menage, +and on payday, through an ingenious system of fines, managed to retain +almost seventy-five per cent of the funds for his own use. Of this Baron +Bangletop, of course, could know nothing. He was aware that under De +Herbert the running expenses of his household were nearly twice what they +had been under the dusky Duke of Algeria; but he also observed that +repairs to the property, for which the late duke had annually paid out +several thousands of pounds sterling, with very little to show for it, now +cost him as many hundreds with no fewer tangible results. So he winked his +eye--the only unaristocratic habit he had, by-the-way--and said nothing. +The revenue was large enough, he had been known to say, to support himself +and all his relatives in state, with enough left over to satisfy even Ali +Baba and the forty thieves. + +Had he foreseen the results of his complacency in financial matters, I +doubt if he would have persisted therein. + +For some ten years under De Herbert's management everything went smoothly +and expensively for the Bangletop Hall people, and then there came a +change. The Baron Bangletop rang for his breakfast one morning, and his +breakfast was not. The cook had disappeared. Whither or why she had gone, +the private secretary professed to be unable to say. That she could easily +be replaced, he was certain. Equally certain was it that Baron Bangletop +stormed and raved for two hours, ate a cold breakfast--a thing he never +had been known to do before--and then departed for London to dine at the +club until Peddlington had secured a successor to the departed cook, which +the private secretary succeeded in doing within three days. The baron was +informed of his manager's success, and at the end of a week returned to +Bangletop Hall, arriving there late on a Saturday night, hungry as a bear, +and not too amiable, the king having negotiated a forcible loan with him +during his sojourn in the metropolis. + +"Welcome to Bangletop, Baron," said De Herbert, uneasily, as his employer +alighted from his coach. + +"Blast your welcome, and serve the dinner," returned the baron, with a +somewhat ill grace. + +At this the private secretary seemed much embarrassed. "Ahem!" he said. +"I'll be very glad to have the dinner served, my dear Baron; but the fact +is I--er--I have been unable to provide anything but canned lobster and +apples." + +[Illustration] + +"What, in the name of Chaucer, does this mean?" roared Bangletop, who was +a great admirer of the father of English poetry; chiefly because, as he +was wont to say, Chaucer showed that a bad speller could be a great man, +which was a condition of affairs exactly suited to his mind, since in the +science of orthography he was weak, like most of the aristocrats of his +day. "I thought you sent me word you had a cook?" + +"Yes, Baron, I did; but the fact of the matter is, sir, she left us last +night, or, rather, early this morning." + +"Another one of your beautiful Parisian exits, I presume?" sneered the +baron, tapping the floor angrily with his toe. + +"Well, yes, somewhat so; only she got her money first." + +"Money!" shrieked the baron. "Money! Why in Liverpool did she get her +money? What did we owe her money for? Rent?" + +"No, Baron; for services. She cooked three dinners." + +"Well, you'll pay the bill out of your perquisites, that's all. She's done +no cooking for me, and she gets no pay from me. Why do you think she +left?" + +"She said--" + +"Never mind what she said, sir," cried Bangletop, cutting De Herbert +short. "When I am interested in the table-talk of cooks, I'll let you +know. What I wish to hear is what do _you_ think was the cause of her +leaving?" + +"I have no opinion on the subject," replied the private secretary, with +becoming dignity. "I only know that at four o'clock this morning she +knocked at my door, and demanded her wages for four days, and vowed she'd +stay no longer in the house." + +"And why, pray, did you not inform me of the fact, instead of having me +travel away down here from London?" queried Bangletop. + +"You forget, Baron," replied De Herbert, with a deprecatory gesture--"you +forget that there is no system of telegraphy by which you could be +reached. I may be poor, sir, but I'm just as much of a baron as you are, +and I will take the liberty of saying right here, in what would be the +shadow of your beard, if you had one, sir, that a man who insists on +receiving cable messages when no such things exist is rather rushing +business." + +"Pardon my haste, Peddlington, old chap," returned the baron, softening. +"You are quite right. My desire was unreasonable; but I swear to you, by +all my ancestral Bangletops, that I am hungry as a pit full of bears, and +if there's one thing I can't eat, it is lobster and apples. Can't you +scare up a snack of bread and cheese and a little cold larded fillet? If +you'll supply the fillet, I'll provide the cold." + +At this sally the Baron of Peddlington laughed and the quarrel was over. +But none the less the master of Bangletop went to bed hungry; nor could he +do any better in the morning at breakfast-time. The butler had not been +trained to cook, and the coachman's art had once been tried on a boiled +egg, which no one had been able to open, much less eat, and as it was the +parlor-maid's Sunday off, there was absolutely no one in the house who +could prepare a meal. The Baron of Bangletop had a sort of sneaking notion +that if there were nobody around he could have managed the spit or +gridiron himself; but, of course, in view of his position, he could not +make the attempt. And so he once more returned to London, and vowed never +to set his foot within the walls of Bangletop Hall again until his +ancestral home was provided with a cook "copper-fastened and riveted to +her position." + +And Bangletop Hall from that time was as a place deserted. The baron never +returned, because he could not return without violating his oath; for De +Herbert was not able to obtain a cook for the Bangletop cuisine who would +stay, nor was any one able to discover why. Cook after cook came, stayed a +day, a week, and one or two held on for two weeks, but never longer. Their +course was invariably the same--they would leave without notice; nor could +any inducement be offered which would persuade them to remain. The Baron +of Peddlington became, first round-shouldered, then deaf, and then insane +in his search for a permanent cook, landing finally in an asylum, where he +died, four years after the demise of his employer in London, of softening +of the brain. His last words were, "Why did you leave your last place?" + +[Illustration] + +And so time went on. Barons of Bangletop were born, educated, and died. +Dynasties rose and fell, but Bangletop Hall remained uninhabited, although +it was not until 1799 that the family gave up all hopes of being able to +use their ancestral home. Tremendous alterations, as I have already +hinted, were made. The drainage was carefully inspected, and a special +apartment connected with the kitchen, finished in hardwood, handsomely +decorated, and hung with rich tapestries, was provided for the cook, in +the vain hope that she might be induced permanently to occupy her +position. The Queen Anne wing and Elizabethan ell were constructed, the +latter to provide bowling-alleys and smoking-rooms for the probable +cousins of possible culinary queens, and many there were who accepted the +office with alacrity, throwing it up with still greater alacrity before +the usual fortnight passed. Then the Bangletops saw clearly that it was +impossible for them to live there, and moving away, the house was +announced to be "for rent, with all modern improvements, conveniently +located, spacious grounds, especially adapted to the use of those who do +their own cooking." The last clause of the announcement puzzled a great +many people, who went to see the mansion for no other reason than to +ascertain just what the announcement meant, and the line, which was +inserted in a pure spirit of facetious bravado, was probably the cause of +the mansion's quickly renting, as hardly a month had passed before it was +leased for one year by a retired London brewer, whose wife's curiosity had +been so excited by the strange wording of the advertisement that she +travelled out to Bangletop to gratify it, fell in love with the place, and +insisted upon her husband's taking it for a season. The luck of the brewer +and his wife was no better than that of the Bangletops. Their cooks--and +they had fourteen during their stay there--fled after an average service +of four days apiece, and later the tenants themselves were forced to give +up and return to London, where they told their friends that the "'all was +'aunted," which might have filled the Bangletops with concern had they +heard of it. They did not hear of it, however, for they and their friends +did not know the brewer and the brewer's friends, and as for complaining +to the Bangletop agent in the matter, the worthy beer-maker thought he +would better not do that, because he had hopes of being knighted some day, +and he did not wish to antagonize so illustrious a family as the +Bangletops by running down their famous hall--an antagonism which might +materially affect the chances of himself and his good wife when they came +to knock at the doors of London society. The lease was allowed to run its +course, the rent was paid when due, and at the end of the stipulated term +Bangletop Hall was once more on the lists as for rent. + + +II + +For fourscore years and ten did the same hard fortune pursue the owners of +Bangletop. Additions to the property were made immediately upon request of +possible lessees. The Greek chapel was constructed in 1868 at the mere +suggestion of a Hellenic prince, who came to England to write a history of +the American rebellion, finding the information in back files of British +newspapers exactly suited to the purposes of picturesque narrative, and no +more misleading than most home-made history. Bangletop was retired, "far +from the gadding crowd," as the prince put it, and therefore just the +place in which a historian of the romantic school might produce his +_magnum opus_ without disturbance; the only objection being that there was +no place whither the eminently Christian sojourner could go to worship +according to his faith, he being a communicant in the Greek Church. This +defect Baron Bangletop immediately remedied by erecting and endowing the +chapel; and his youngest son, having been found too delicate morally for +the army, was appointed to the living and placed in charge of the chapel, +having first embraced with considerable ardor the faith upon which the +soul of the princely tenant was wont to feed. All of these +improvements--chapel, priest, the latter's change of faith, and all--the +Bangletop agent put at the exceedingly low sum of forty-two guineas per +annum and board for the priest; an offer which the prince at once +accepted, stipulating, however, that the lease should be terminable at any +time he or his landlord should see fit. Against this the agent fought +nobly, but without avail. The prince had heard rumors about the cooks of +Bangletop, and he was wary. Finally the stipulation was accepted by the +baron, with what result the reader need hardly be told. The prince stayed +two weeks, listened to one sermon in classic university Greek by the +youthful Bangletop, was deserted by his cook, and moved away. + +After the departure of the prince the estate was neglected for nearly +twenty-two years, the owner having made up his mind that the case was +hopeless. At the end of that period there came from the United States a +wealthy shoemaker, Hankinson J. Terwilliger by name, chief owner of the +Terwilliger Three-dollar Shoe Company (Limited), of Soleton, +Massachusetts, and to him was leased Bangletop Hall, with all its rights +and appurtenances, for a term of five years. Mr. Terwilliger was the first +applicant for the hall as a dwelling to whom the agent, at the instance of +the baron, spoke in a spirit of absolute candor. The baron was well on in +years, and he did not feel like getting into trouble with a Yankee, so he +said, at his time of life. The hall had been a thorn in his flesh all his +days, and he didn't care if it was never occupied, and therefore he wished +nothing concealed from a prospective tenant. It was the agent's candor +more than anything else that induced Mr. Terwilliger to close with him for +the term of five years. He suspected that the Bangletops did not want him +for a tenant, and from the moment that notion entered his head, he was +resolved that he would be a tenant. + +"I'm as good a man as any baron that ever lived," he said; "and if it +pleases Hankinson J. Terwilliger to live in a baronial hall, a baronial +hall is where Hankinson J. Terwilliger puts up." + +"We certainly have none of the feeling which your words seem to attribute +to us, my dear sir," the agent had answered. "Baron Bangletop would feel +highly honored to have so distinguished a sojourner in England as yourself +occupy his estate, but he does not wish you to take it without fully +understanding the circumstances. Desirable as Bangletop Hall is, it seems +fated to be unoccupied because it is thought to be haunted, or something +of that sort, the effect of which is to drive away cooks, and without +cooks life is hardly an ideal." + +Mr. Terwilliger laughed. "Ghosts and me are not afraid of each other," he +said. "'Let 'em haunt,' I say; and as for cooks, Mrs. H.J.T. hasn't had a +liberal education for nothing. We could live if all the cooks in creation +were to go off in a whiff. We have daughters too, we have. Good smart +American girls, who can adorn a palace or grace a hut on demand, not +afraid of poverty, and able to take care of good round dollars. They can +play the piano all the morning and cook dinner all the afternoon if +they're called on to do it; so your difficulties ain't my difficulties. +I'll take the hall at your figures; term, five years; and if the baron'll +come down and spend a month with us at any time, I don't care when, we'll +show him what a big lap Luxury can get up when she tries." + +And so it happened the New York papers announced that Hankinson J. +Terwilliger, Mrs. Terwilliger, the Misses Terwilliger, and Master +Hankinson J. Terwilliger, Jun., of Soleton, Massachusetts, had plunged +into the dizzy whirl of English society, and that the sole of the +three-dollar shoe now trod the baronial halls of the Bangletops. Later it +was announced that the Misses Terwilliger, of Bangletop Hall, had been +presented to the queen; that the Terwilligers had entertained the Prince +of Wales at Bangletop; in fact, the Terwilligers became an important +factor in the letters of all foreign correspondents of American papers, +for the president of the Terwilliger Three-dollar Shoe Company, of +Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), was now in full possession of the +historic mansion, and was living up to his surroundings. + +For a time everything was plain sailing for the Americans at Bangletop. +The dire forebodings of the agent did not seem to be fulfilled, and Mr. +Terwilliger was beginning to feel aggrieved. He had hired a house with a +ghost, and he wanted the use of it; but when he reflected upon the +consequences below stairs, he held his peace. He was not so sure, after he +had stayed at Bangletop awhile, and had had his daughters presented to the +queen, that he could be so independent of cooks as he had at first +supposed. Several times he had hinted rather broadly that some of the old +New England homemade flap-jacks would be most pleasing to his palate; but +since the prince had spent an afternoon on the lawn of Bangletop, the +young ladies seemed deeply pained at the mere mention of their +accomplishments in the line of griddles and batter; nor could Mrs. +Terwilliger, after having tasted the joys of aristocratic life, bring +herself to don the apron which so became her portly person in the early +American days, and prepare for her lord and master one of those delicious +platters of poached eggs and breakfast bacon, the mere memory of which +made his mouth water. In short, palatial surroundings had too obviously +destroyed in his wife and daughters all that capacity for happiness in a +hovel of which Mr. Terwilliger had been so proud, and concerning which he +had so eloquently spoken to Baron Bangletop's agent, and he now found +himself in the position of Damocles. The hall was leased for a term, +entertainment had been provided for the county with lavish hand; but +success was dependent entirely upon his ability to keep a cook, his family +having departed from their republican principles, and the history of the +house was dead against a successful issue. So he decided that, after all, +it was better that the ghost should be allowed to remain quiescent, and he +uttered no word of complaint. + +It was just as well, too, that Mr. Terwilliger held his peace, and +refrained from addressing a complaining missive to the agent of Bangletop +Hall; for before a message of that nature could have reached the person +addressed, its contents would have been misleading, for at a quarter after +midnight on the morning of the date set for the first of a series of grand +banquets to the county folk, there came from the kitchen of Bangletop Hall +a quick succession of shrieks that sent the three Misses Terwilliger into +hysterics, and caused Hankinson J. Terwilliger's sole remaining lock to +stand erect. Mrs. Terwilliger did not hear the shrieks, owing to a lately +acquired habit of hearing nothing that proceeded from below stairs. + +The first impulse of Terwilliger _pere_ was to dive down under the +bedclothes, and endeavor to drown the fearful sound by his own labored +breathing, but he never yielded to first impulses. So he awaited the +second, which came simultaneously with a second series of shrieks and a +cry for help in the unmistakable voice of the cook; a lady, by-the-way, +who had followed the Terwilliger fortunes ever since the Terwilligers +began to have fortunes, and whose first capacity in the family had been +the dual one of mistress of the kitchen and confidante of madame. The +second impulse was to arise in his might, put on a stout pair of the +Terwilliger three-dollar brogans--the strongest shoe made, having been +especially devised for the British Infantry in the Soudan--and garments +suitable to the occasion, namely, a mackintosh and pair of broadcloth +trousers, and go to the rescue of the distressed domestic. This Hankinson +J. Terwilliger at once proceeded to do, arming himself with a pair of +horse-pistols, murmuring on the way below a soft prayer, the only one he +knew, and which, with singular inappropriateness on this occasion, began +with the words, "Now I lay me down to sleep." + +"What's the matter, Judson?" queried Mrs. Terwilliger, drowsily, as she +opened her eyes and saw her husband preparing for the fray. + +She no longer called him Hankinson, not because she did not think it a +good name, nor was it less euphonious to her ear than Judson, but Judson +was Mr. Terwilliger's middle name, and middle names were quite the thing, +she had observed, in the best circles. It was doubtless due to this +discovery that her visiting cards had been engraved to read "Mrs. H. +Judson-Terwilliger," the hyphen presumably being a typographical error, +for which the engraver was responsible. + +[Illustration] + +"Matter enough," growled Hankinson. "I have reason to believe that that +jackass of a ghost is on duty to-night." + +At the word ghost a pseudo-aristocratic shriek pervaded the atmosphere, +and Mrs. Terwilliger, forgetting her social position for a moment, groaned +"Oh, Hank!" and swooned away. And then the president of the Terwilliger +Three-dollar Shoe Company of Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), descended +to the kitchen. + +Across the sill of the kitchen door lay the culinary treasure whose +lobster croquettes the Prince of Wales had likened unto a dream of +Lucullus. Within the kitchen were signs of disorder. Chairs were upset; +the table was lying flat on its back, with its four legs held rigidly up +in the air; the kitchen library, consisting of a copy of _Marie +Antoinette's Dream-Book_; a yellow-covered novel bearing the title _Little +Lucy; or, The Kitchen-maid who Became a Marchioness_; and _Sixty Soups, by +One who Knows_, lay strewn about the room, the _Dream-Book_ sadly torn, +and _Little Lucy_ disfigured forever with batter. Even to the unpractised +eye it was evident that something had happened, and Mr. Terwilliger felt a +cold chill mounting his spine three sections at a time. Whether it was the +chill or his concern for the prostrate cook that was responsible or not I +cannot say, but for some cause or other Mr. Terwilliger immediately got +down on his knees, in which position he gazed fearfully about him for a +few minutes, and then timidly remarked, "Cook!" + +There was no answer. + +"Mary, I say. Cook," he whispered, "what the deuce is the meaning of all +this?" + +[Illustration] + +A low moan was all that came from the cook, nor would Hankinson have +listened to more had there been more to hear, for simultaneously with the +moan he became uncomfortably conscious of a presence. In trying to +describe it afterwards, Hankinson said that at first he thought a cold +draught from a dank cavern filled with a million eels, and a rattlesnake +or two thrown in for luck, was blowing over him, and he avowed that it was +anything but pleasant; and then it seemed to change into a mist drawn +largely from a stagnant pool in a malarial country, floating through which +were great quantities of finely chopped sea-weed, wet hair, and an +indescribable atmosphere of something the chief quality of which was a +sort of stale clamminess that was awful in its intensity. + +"I'm glad," Mr. Terwilliger murmured to himself, "that I ain't one of +those delicately reared nobles. If I had anything less than a right-down +regular republican constitution I'd die of fright." + +And then his natural grit came to his rescue, and it was well it did, for +the presence had assumed shape, and now sat on the window-ledge in the +form of a hag, glaring at him from out of the depths of her unfathomable +eyes, in which, despite their deadly greenness, there lurked a tinge of +red caused by small specks of that hue semioccasionally seen floating +across her dilated pupils. + +"You are the Bangletop ghost, I presume?" said Terwilliger, rising and +standing near the fire to thaw out his system. + +The spectre made no reply, but pointed to the door. + +"Yes," Terwilliger said, as if answering a question. "That's the way out, +madame. It's a beautiful exit, too. Just try it." + +"H'I knows the wi out," returned the spectre, rising and approaching the +tenant of Bangletop, whose solitary lock also rose, being too polite to +remain seated while the ghost walked. "H'I also knows the wi in, 'Ankinson +Judson Terwilliger." + +"That's very evident, madame, and between you and me I wish you didn't," +returned Hankinson, somewhat relieved to hear the ghost talk, even if her +voice did sound like the roar of a conch-shell with a bad case of grip. "I +may say to you that, aside from a certain uncanny satisfaction which I +feel at being permitted for the first time in my life to gaze upon the +linaments of a real live misty musty spook, I regard your coming here as +an invasion of the sacred rights of privacy which is, as you might say, +'hinexcusable.'" + +[Illustration] + +"Hinvaision?" retorted the ghost, snapping her fingers in his face with +such effect that his chin dropped until Terwilliger began to fear it might +never resume its normal position. "Hinvaision? H'I'd like to know 'oo's +the hinvaider. H'I've occupied these 'ere 'alls for hover two 'undred +years." + +"Then it's time you moved, unless perchance you are the ghost of a +mediaeval porker," Hankinson said, his calmness returning now that he had +succeeded in plastering his iron-gray lock across the top of his otherwise +bald head. "Of course, if you are a spook of that kind you want the earth, +and maybe you'll get it." + +"H'I'm no porker," returned the spectre. "H'I'm simply the shide of a poor +abused cook which is hafter revenge." + +"Ah!" ejaculated Terwilliger, raising his eyebrows, "this is getting +interesting. You're a spook with a grievance, eh? Against me? I've never +wronged a ghost that I know of." + +"No, h'I've no 'ard feelinks against you, sir," answered the ghost. "Hin +fact h'I don't know nothink about you. My trouble's with them Baingletops, +and h'I'm a-pursuin' of 'em. H'I've cut 'em out of two 'undred years of +rent 'ere. They might better 'ave pide me me waiges hin full." + +"Oho!" cried Terwilliger; "it's a question of wages, is it? The Bangletops +were hard up?" + +"'Ard up? The Baingletops?" laughed the ghost. "When they gets 'ard up the +Baink o' Hengland will be in all the sixty soups mentioned in that there +book." + +"You seem to be up in the vernacular," returned Terwilliger, with a smile. +"I'll bet you are an old fraud of a modern ghost." + +Here he discharged all six chambers of his pistol into the body of the +spectre. + +"No taikers," retorted the ghost, as the bullets whistled through her +chest, and struck deep into the wall on the other side of the kitchen. +"That's a noisy gun you've got, but you carn't ly a ghost with cold lead +hany more than you can ly a corner-stone with a chicken. H'I'm 'ere to sty +until I gets me waiges." + +[Illustration] + +"What was the amount of your wages due at the time of your discharge?" +asked Hankinson. + +"H'I was gettin' ten pounds a month," returned the spectre. + +"Geewhittaker!" cried Terwilliger, "you must have been an all-fired fine +cook." + +"H'I was," assented the ghost, with a proud smile. "H'I cooked a boar's +'ead for 'is Royal 'Ighness King Charles when 'e visited Baingletop 'All +as which was the finest 'e hever taisted, so 'e said, hand 'e'd 'ave +knighted me hon the spot honly me sex wasn't suited to the title. 'You +carn't make a knight out of a woman,' says the king, 'but give 'er my +compliments, and tell 'er 'er monarch says as 'ow she's a cook as is too +good for 'er staition.'" + +"That was very nice," said Terwilliger. "No one could have desired a +higher recommendation than that." + +"My words hexackly when the baron's privit secretary told me two dys +laiter as 'ow the baron's heggs wasn't done proper," said the ghost. "H'I +says to 'im, says I: 'The baron's heggs be blowed. My monarch's hopinion +is worth two of any ten barons's livin', and Mister Baingletop,' (h'I +allus called 'im mister when 'e was ugly,) 'can get 'is heggs cooked +helsewhere if 'e don't like the wy h'I boils 'em.' Hand what do you +suppose the secretary said then?" + +"I give it up," replied Terwilliger. "What?" + +"'E said as 'ow h'I 'ad the big 'ead." + +"How disgusting of him!" murmured Terwilliger. "That was simply low." + +"Hand then 'e accuged me of bein' himpudent." + +"No!" + +"'E did, hindeed; hand then 'e discharged me without me waiges. Hof course +h'I wouldn't sty after that; but h'I says to 'im, 'Hif I don't get me py, +h'I'll 'aunt this place from the dy of me death;' hand 'e says, ''Aunt +awy.'" + +"And you have kept your word." + +"H'I 'ave that! H'I've made it 'ot for 'em, too." + +"Well, now, look here," said Terwilliger, "I'll tell you what I'll do. +I'll pay you your wages if you'll go back to Spookland and mind your own +business. Ten pounds isn't much when three-dollar shoes cost fifteen cents +a pair and sell like hot waffles. Is it a bargain?" + +"H'I was sent off with three months' money owin' me," said the ghost. + +"Well, call it thirty pounds, then," replied Terwilliger. + +"With hinterest--compound hinterest at six per cent.--for two 'undred and +thirty years," said the ghost. + +"Phew!" whistled Terwilliger. "Have you any idea how much money that is?" + +"Certingly," replied the ghost. "Hit's just 63,609,609 pounds 6 shillings +4-1/2 pence. When h'I gets that, h'I flies; huntil I gets it h'I stys 'ere +an' I 'aunts." + +"Say," said Terwilliger, "haven't you been chumming with an Italian ghost +named Shylock over on the other shore?" + +"Shylock!" said the ghost. "No, h'I've never 'eard the naime. Perhaps 'e's +stoppin' at the hother place." + +"Very likely," said Terwilliger. "He is an eminent saint alongside of you. +But I say now, Mrs. Spook, or whatever your name is, this is rubbing it +in, to try to collect as much money as that, particularly from me, who +wasn't to blame in any way, and on whom you haven't the spook of a claim." + +"H'I'm very sorry for you, Mr. Terwilliger," said the ghost. "But my vow +must be kept sacrid." + +"But why don't you come down on the Bangletops up in London, and squeeze +it out of them?" + +"H'I carn't. H'I'm bound to 'aunt this 'all, an' that's hall there is +about it. H'I carn't find a better wy to ly them Baingletops low than by +attachin' of their hincome, hand the rent of this 'all is the honly bit of +hincome within my reach." + +"But I've leased the place for five years," said Terwilliger, in despair; +"and I've paid the rent in advance." + +"Carn't 'elp it," returned the ghost. "Hif you did that, hit's your own +fault." + +"I wouldn't have done it, except to advertise my shoe business," said +Terwilliger, ruefully. "The items in the papers at home that arise from my +occupancy of this house, together with the social cinch it gives me, are +worth the money; but I'm hanged if it's worth my while to pay back +salaries to every grasping apparition that chooses to rise up out of the +moat and dip his or her clammy hand into my surplus. The shoe trade is a +blooming big thing, but the profits aren't big enough to divide with tramp +ghosts." + +"Your tone is very 'aughty, 'Ankinson J. Terwilliger, but it don't haffeck +me. H'I don't care 'oo pys the money, an' h'I 'aven't got you into this +scripe. You've done that yourself. Hon the other 'and, sir, h'I've showed +you 'ow to get out of it." + +"Well, perhaps you're right," returned Hankinson. "I can't say I blame you +for not perjuring yourself, particularly since you've been dead long +enough to have discovered what the probable consequences would be. But I +do wish there was some other way out of it. _I_ couldn't pay you all that +money without losing a controlling interest in the shoe company, and +that's hardly worth my while, now is it?" + +"No, Mr. Terwilliger; hit is not." + +"I have a scheme," said Hankinson, after a moment or two of deep thought. +"Why don't you go back to the spirit world and expose the Bangletops +there? They have spooks, haven't they?" + +"Yes," replied the ghost, sadly. "But the spirit world his as bad as this +'ere. The spook of a cook carn't reach the spook of a baron there hany +more than a scullery-maid can reach a markis 'ere. H'I tried that when the +baron died and came over to the hother world, but 'e 'ad 'is spook +flunkies on 'and to tell me 'e was hout drivin' with the ghost of William +the Conqueror and the shide of Solomon. H'I knew 'e wasn't, but what could +h'I do?" + +"It was a mean game of bluff," said Terwilliger. "I suppose, though, if +you were the shade of a duchess, you could simply knock Bangletop silly?" + +"Yes, and the Baron of Peddlington too. 'E was the private secretary as +said h'I 'ad the big 'ead." + +"H'm!" said Terwilliger, meditatively. "Would you--er--would you consent +to retire from this haunting business of yours, and give me a receipt for +that bill for wages, interest and all, if I had you made over into the +spook of a duchess? Revenge is sweet, you know, and there are some +revenges that are simply a thousand times more balmy than riches." + +"Would h'I?" ejaculated the ghost, rising and looking at the clock. "Would +h'I?" she repeated. "Well, rather. If h'I could enter spook society as a +duchess, you can wager a year's hincome them Bangletops wouldn't be hin +it." + +"Good! I am glad to see that you are a spook of spirit. If you had veins, +I believe there'd be sporting blood in them." + +"Thainks," said the ghost, dryly. "But 'ow can it hever be did?" + +"Leave that to me," Terwilliger answered. "We'll call a truce for two +weeks, at the end of which time you must come back here, and we'll settle +on the final arrangements. Keep your own counsel in the matter, and don't +breathe a word about your intentions to anybody. Above all, keep sober." + +"H'I'm no cannibal," retorted the ghost. + +"Who said you were?" asked Terwilliger. + +"You intimated as much," said the ghost, with a smile. "You said as 'ow I +must keep sober, and 'ow could I do hotherwise hunless I swallered some +spirits?" + +Terwilliger laughed. He thought it was a pretty good joke for a +ghost--especially a cook's ghost--and then, having agreed on the hour of +midnight one fortnight thence for the next meeting, they shook hands and +parted. + +"What was it, Hankinson?" asked Mrs. Terwilliger, as her husband crawled +back into bed. "Burglars?" + +"Not a burglar," returned Hankinson. "Nothing but a ghost--a poor, old, +female ghost." + +"Ghost!" cried Mrs. Terwilliger, trembling with fright. "In this house?" + +"Yes, my dear. Haunted us by mistake, that's all. Belongs to another place +entirely; got a little befogged, and came here without intending to, +that's all. When she found out her mistake, she apologized, and left." + +[Illustration] + +"What did she have on?" asked Mrs. Terwilliger, with a sigh of relief. + +But the president of the Three-dollar Shoe Company, of Soleton, +Massachusetts (Limited), said nothing. He had dropped off into a profound +slumber. + + +III + +For the next two weeks Terwilliger lived in a state of preoccupation that +worried his wife and daughters to a very considerable extent. They were +afraid that something had happened, or was about to happen, in connection +with the shoe corporation; and this deprived them of sleep, particularly +the elder Miss Terwilliger, who had danced four times at a recent ball +with an impecunious young earl, whom she suspected of having intentions. +Ariadne was in a state of grave apprehension, because she knew that much +as the earl might love her, it would be difficult for them to marry on his +income, which was literally too small to keep the roof over his head in +decent repair. + +But it was not business troubles that occupied every sleeping and waking +thought of Hankinson Judson Terwilliger. His mind was now set upon the +hardest problem it had ever had to cope with, that problem being how to so +ennoble the spectre cook of Bangletop that she might outrank the ancestors +of his landlord in the other world--the shady world, he called it. The +living cook had been induced to remain partly by threats and partly by +promises of increased pay; the threats consisting largely of expressions +of determination to leave her in England, thousands of miles from her home +in Massachusetts, deserted and forlorn, the poor woman being +insufficiently provided with funds to get back to America, and holding in +her veins a strain of Celtic blood quite large enough to make the idea of +remaining an outcast in England absolutely intolerable to her. At the end +of seven days Terwilliger was seemingly as far from the solution of his +problem as ever, and at the grand fete given by himself and wife on the +afternoon of the seventh day of his trial, to the Earl of Mugley, the one +in whom Ariadne was interested, he seemed almost rude to his guests, which +the latter overlooked, taking it for the American way of entertaining. It +is very hard for a shoemaker to entertain earls, dukes, and the plainest +kind of every-day lords under ordinary circumstances; but when, in +addition to the duties of host, the maker of soles has to think out a +recipe for the making of an aristocrat out of a deceased plebe, a polite +drawing-room manner is hardly to be expected. Mr. Terwilliger's manner +remained of the kind to be expected under the circumstances, neither +better nor worse, until the flunky at the door announced, in stentorian +tones, "The Hearl of Mugley." + +The "Hearl" of Mugley seemed to be the open sesame to the door betwixt +Terwilliger and success. Simultaneously with the entrance of the earl +the solution of his problem flashed across the mind of the master of +Bangletop, and his affronting demeanor, his preoccupation and all +disappeared in an instant. Indeed, so elegantly enthusiastic was his +reception of the earl that Lady Maud Sniffles, on the other side of the +room, whispered in the ear of the Hon. Miss Pottleton that Mugley's +creditors were in luck; to which the Hon. Miss Pottleton, whose smiles +upon the nobleman had been returned unopened, curved her upper lip +spitefully, and replied that they were indeed, but she didn't envy +Ariadne that pompous little error of nature's, the earl. + +"Howdy do, Earl?" said Terwilliger. "Glad to see you looking so well. +How's your mamma?" + +"The countess is in her usual state of health, Mr. Terwilliger," returned +the earl. + +"Ain't she coming this afternoon?" + +"I really can't say," answered Mugley. "I asked her if she was coming, and +all she did was to call for her salts. She's a little given to +fainting-spells, and the slightest shock rather upsets her." + +And then the earl turned on his heel and sought out the fair Ariadne, +while Terwilliger, excusing himself, left the assemblage, and went +directly to his private office in the crypt of the Greek chapel. Arrived +there, he seated himself at his desk and wrote the following formal card, +which he put in an envelope and addressed to the Earl of Mugley: + +[Illustration] + +"If the Earl of Mugley will call at the private office of Mr. H. Judson +Terwilliger at once, he will not only greatly oblige Mr. H. Judson +Terwilliger, but may also hear of something to his advantage." + +The card written, Terwilliger summoned an attendant, ordered a quantity of +liqueurs, whiskey, sherry, port, and lemon squash for two to be brought to +the office, and then sent his communication to the earl. + +Now the earl was a great stickler for etiquette, and he did not at all +like the idea of one in his position waiting upon one of Mr. Terwilliger's +rank, or lack of rank, and, at first thought, he was inclined to ignore +the request of his host, but a combination of circumstances served to +change his resolution. He so seldom heard anything to his advantage that, +for mere novelty's sake, he thought he would do as he was asked; but the +question of his dignity rose up again, and shoving the note into his +pocket he tried to forget it. After five minutes he found he could not +forget it, and putting his hand into the pocket for the missive, meaning +to give it a second reading, he drew out another paper by mistake, which +was, in brief, a reminder from a firm of London lawyers that he owed +certain clients of theirs a few thousands of pounds for the clothing that +had adorned his back for the last two years, and stating that proceedings +would be begun if at the expiration of three months the account was not +paid in full. The reminder settled it. The Earl of Mugley graciously +concluded to grant Mr. H. Judson Terwilliger an audience in the private +office under the Greek chapel. + +"Sit down, Earl, and have a cream de mint with me," said Terwilliger, as +the earl, four minutes later, entered the apartment. + +"Thanks," returned the earl. "Beautiful color that," he added, pleasantly, +smacking his lips with satisfaction as the soft green fluid disappeared +from the glass into his inner earl. + +"Fine," said Terwilliger. "Little unripe, perhaps, but pleasant to the +eye. I prefer the hue of the Maraschino, myself. Just taste that +Maraschino, Earl. It's A1; thirty-six dollars a case." + +"You wanted to see me about some matter of interest to both of us, I +believe, Mr. Terwilliger," said the earl, declining the proffered +Maraschino. + +"Well, yes," returned Terwilliger. "More of interest to you, perhaps, than +to me. The fact is, Earl, I've taken quite a shine to you, so much of a +one in fact, that I've looked you up at a commercial agency, and H. J. +Terwilliger never does that unless he's mightily interested in a man." + +"I--er--I hope you are not to be prejudiced against me," the earl said, +uneasily, "by--er--by what those cads of tradesmen say about me." + +"Not a bit," returned Terwilliger--"not a bit. In fact, what I've +discovered has prejudiced me in your favor. You are just the man I've been +looking for for some days. I've wanted a man with three A blood and three +Z finances for 'most a week now, and from what I gather from Burke and +Bradstreet, you fill the bill. You owe pretty much everybody from your +tailor to the collector of pew rents at your church, eh?" + +"I've been unfortunate in financial matters," returned the earl; "but I +have left the family name untarnished." + +"So I believe, Earl. That's what I admire about you. Some men with your +debts would be driven to drink or other pastimes of a more or less +tarnishing nature, and I admire you for the admirable restraint you have +put upon yourself. You owe, I am told, about twenty-seven thousand +pounds." + +"My secretary has the figures, I believe," said the earl, slightly bored. + +"Well, we'll say thirty thousand in round figures. Now what hope have you +of ever paying that sum off?" + +"None--unless I--er--well, unless I should be fortunate enough to secure a +rich wife." + +"Precisely; that is exactly what I thought," rejoined Terwilliger. +"Marriage is your only asset, and as yet that is hardly negotiable. Now I +have called you here this afternoon to make a proposition to you. If you +will marry according to my wishes I will give you an income of five +thousand pounds a year for the next five years." + +"I don't quite understand you," the earl replied, in a disappointed tone. +It was evident that five thousand pounds per annum was too small a figure +for his tastes. + +"I think I was quite plain," said Terwilliger, and he repeated his offer. + +"I certainly admire the lady very much," said the earl; "but the +settlement of income seems very small." + +Terwilliger opened his eyes wide with astonishment. "Oh, you admire the +lady, eh?" he said. "Well, there is no accounting for tastes." + +"You surprise me slightly," said the earl, in response to this remark. +"The lady is certainly worthy of any man's admiration. She is refined, +cultivated, beautiful, and----" + +"Ahem!" said Terwilliger. "May I ask, my dear Earl, to whom you refer?" + +"To Ariadne, of course. I thought your course somewhat unusual, but we do +not pretend to comprehend you Americans over here. Your proposition is +that I shall marry Ariadne?" + +I hesitate to place on record what Terwilliger said in answer to this +statement. It was forcible rather than polite, and the earl from that +moment adopted a new simile for degrees of profanity, substituting "to +swear like an American" for the old forms having to do with pirates and +troopers. The string of expletives was about five minutes in length, at +the end of which time Terwilliger managed to say: + +"No such d---- proposition ever entered my mind. I want you to marry a +cold, misty, musty spectre, nothing more or less, and I'll tell you why." + +And then he proceeded to tell the Earl of Mugley all that he knew of the +history of Bangletop Hall, concluding with a narration of his experiences +with the ghost cook. + +"My rent here," he said, in conclusion, "is five thousand pounds per +annum. The advertising I get out of the fact of my being here and swelling +it with you nabobs is worth twenty-five thousand pounds a year, and I'm +willing to pay, in good hard cash, twenty per cent of that amount rather +than be forced to give up. Now here's your chance to get an income without +an encumbrance and stave off your creditors. Marry the spook, so that she +can go back to the spirit land a countess and make it hot for the +Bangletops, and don't be so allfired proud. She'll be disappointed enough +I can tell you, when I inform her that an earl was the best I could do, +the promised duke not being within reach. If she says earls are drugs in +the market, I won't be able to deny it; and, after all, my lad, a good +cook is a greater blessing in this world than any earl that ever lived, +and a blamed sight rarer." + +[Illustration] + +"Your proposition is absolutely ridiculous, Mr. Terwilliger," replied the +earl. "I'd look well marrying a draught from a dark cavern, as you call +it, now wouldn't I? To say nothing of the impossibility of a Mugley +marrying a cook. I cannot entertain the proposition." + +"You'll find you can't entertain anything if you don't watch out," fumed +Terwilliger, in return. + +"I'm not so sure about that," replied the earl, haughtily, sipping his +lemon squash. "I fancy Miss Ariadne is not entirely indifferent to me." + +"Well, you might just as well understand on this 18th day of July, 18--, +as any other time, that my daughter Ariadne never becomes the Earless of +Mugley," said Terwilliger, in a tone of exasperation. + +"Not even when her father considers the commercial value of such an +alliance for his daughter?" retorted the earl, shaking his finger in +Terwilliger's face. "Not even when the President of the Three-dollar Shoe +Company, of Soleton, Massachusetts (Limited), considers the advertising +sure to result from a marriage between his house and that of Mugley, with +presents from her majesty the queen, the Duke of York acting as best man, +and telegrams of congratulation from the crowned heads of Europe pouring +in at the rate of two an hour for half as many hours as there are +thrones?" + +Terwilliger turned pale. + +The picture painted by the earl was terribly alluring. + +He hesitated. + +He was lost. + +"Mugley," he whispered, hoarsely--"Mugley, I have wronged you. I thought +you were a fortune-hunter. I see you love her. Take her, my boy, and pass +me the brandy." + +"Certainly, Mr. Terwilliger," replied the earl, affably. "And then, if +you've no objection, you may pass it back, and I'll join you in a +thimbleful myself." + +And then the two men drank each other's health in silence, which was +prolonged for at least five minutes, during which time the earl and his +host both appeared to be immersed in deep thought. + +"Come," said Terwilliger at last. "Let us go back to the drawing-room, or +they'll miss us, and, by-the-way, you might speak of that little matter to +Ariadne to-night. It'll help the fall trade to have the engagement +announced." + +"I will, Mr. Terwilliger," returned the earl, as they started to leave the +room; "but I say, father-in-law elect," he whispered, catching +Terwilliger's coat sleeve and drawing him back into the office for an +instant, "you couldn't let me have five pounds on account this evening, +could you?" + + +Two minutes later Terwilliger and the earl appeared in the drawing-room, +the former looking haggard and worn, his eyes feverishly bright, and his +manner betraying the presence of disturbing elements in his nerve centres; +the latter smiling more affably than was consistent with his title, and +jingling a number of gold coins in his pocket, which his intimate friend +and old college chum, Lord Dufferton, on the other side of the room, +marvelled at greatly, for he knew well that upon the earl's arrival at +Bangletop Hall an hour before his pockets were as empty as a flunky's +head. + + +IV + +Terwilliger's time was almost up. The hour for his interview with the +spectre cook of Bangletop was hardly forty-eight hours distant, and he +was wellnigh distracted. No solution of the problem seemed possible since +the earl had so peremptorily declined to fall in with his plan. He was +glad the earl had done so, for otherwise he would have been denied the +tremendous satisfaction which the consummation of an alliance between his +own and one of the oldest and noblest houses of England was about to give +him, not to mention the commercial phase of the situation, which had been +so potent a factor in bringing the engagement about; for Ariadne had said +yes to the earl that same night, and the betrothal was shortly to be +announced. It would have been announced at once, only the earl felt that +he should break the news himself first to his mother, the countess--an +operation which he dreaded, and for which he believed some eight or ten +weeks of time were necessary. + +"What is the matter, Judson?" Mrs. Terwilliger asked finally, her husband +was growing so careworn of aspect. + +"Nothing, my dear, nothing." + +"But there is something, Judson, and as your wife I demand to know what it +is. Perhaps I can help you." + +And then Mr. Terwilliger broke down, and told the whole story to Mrs. +Terwilliger, omitting no detail, stopping only to bring that worthy lady +to on the half-dozen or more occasions when her emotions were too strong +for her nerves, causing her to swoon. When he had quite done, she looked +him reproachfully in the eye, and said that if he had told her the truth +instead of deceiving her on the night of the spectral visitation, he might +have been spared all his trouble. + +"For you know, Judson," she said, "I have made a study of the art of +acquiring titles. Since I read the story of the girl who started in life +as an innkeeper's daughter and died a duchess, by Elizabeth Harley Hicks, +of Salem, and realized how one might be lowly born and yet rise to lofty +heights, it has been my dearest wish that my girls might become +noblewomen, and at times, Judson, I have even hoped that you might yet +become a duke." + +"Great Scott!" ejaculated Terwilliger. "That would be awful. Hankinson, +Duke of Terwilliger! Why, Molly, I'd never be able to hold up my head in +shoe circles with a name on me like that." + +[Illustration] + +"Is there nothing in the world but shoes, Judson?" asked his wife, +seriously. + +"You'll find shoes are the foundation upon which society stands," chuckled +Terwilliger in return. + +"You are never serious," returned Mrs. Terwilliger; "but now you must be. +You are coping with the supernatural. Now I have discovered," continued +the lady, "that there are three methods by which titles are +acquired--birth, marriage, and purchase." + +"You forget the fourth--achievement," suggested Terwilliger. + +"Not these days, Judson. It used to be so, but it is not so now. Now the +spectre hasn't birth, we can't get any living duke to marry her, dead +dukes are hard to find, so there's nothing to do but to buy her a title." + +"But where?" + +"In Italy. You can get 'em by the dozen. Every hand-organ grinder in +America grinds away in the hope of going back to Italy and purchasing a +title. Why can't you do the same?" + +"Me? Me grind a hand-organ in America?" cried Hankinson. + +"No, no; purchase a dukedom." + +"I don't want a dukedom; I want a duchessdom." + +"That's all right. Buy the title, give it to the cook, and let her marry +some spectre of her own rank; she can give him the title; and there you +are!" + +"Good scheme!" cried Terwilliger. "But I say, Molly, don't you think it +would be better to get her to bring the spectre over here, and have me +give him the title, and then let him marry her here?" + +"No, I don't. If you give it to him first, the chances are he would go +back on his bargain. He'd say that, being a duke, he couldn't marry a +cook." + +"You have a large mind, Molly," said Terwilliger. + +"I know men!" snapped Mrs. Terwilliger. + +And so it happened. Hankinson Judson Terwilliger applied by wire to the +authorities in Rome for all right, title, and interest in one dukedom, +free from encumbrances, irrevocable, and duly witnessed by the proper +dignitaries of the Italian government, and at the second interview with +the spectre cook of Bangletop, he was able to show her a cablegram +received from the Eternal City stating that the papers would be sent upon +receipt of the applicant's check for one hundred lire. + +"'Ow much his that?" asked the ghost. + +"One hundred lire?" returned Terwilliger, repeating the sum to gain time +to think. He was himself surprised at the cheapness of the duchy, and he +was afraid that if the ghost knew its real value she would decline to take +it. "One hundred lire? Why, that's about 750,000 dollars--150,000 pounds. +They charge high for their titles," he added, blushing slightly. + +"Pretty 'igh," returned the ghost. "But h'I carn't be a duke, ye know. +'Ow'll I manidge that?" + +Hankinson explained his wife's scheme to the spectre. + +"That's helegant," said she. "H'I've loved a butler o' the Bangletops for +nigh hon to two 'undred years, but, some'ow or hother, he's kep' shy o' +me. This'll fix 'im. But h'I say, Mr. Terwilliger, his one o' them +Heyetalian dukes as good as a Henglish one?" + +"Every bit," said Terwilliger. "A duke's a duke the world over. Don't you +know the lines of Burns, 'A duke's a duke for a' that'?" + +"Never 'eard of 'im," replied the ghost. + +"Well, you look him up when you get settled down at home. He was a smart +man here, and, if his ghost does him justice, you'll be mighty glad to +know him," Terwilliger answered. + +And thus was Bangletop Hall delivered of its uncanny visitor. The ducal +appointment, entitling its owner to call himself "Duke of Cavalcadi," was +received in due time, and handed over to the curse of the kitchen, who +immediately disappeared, and permanently, from the haunts that had known +her for so long and so disadvantageously. Bangletop Hall is now the home +of a happy family, to whom all are devoted, and from whose _menage_ no +cook has ever been known to depart, save for natural causes, despite all +that has gone before. + +[Illustration] + +Ariadne has become Countess of Mugley, and Mrs. Terwilliger is content +with her Judson, whom, however, she occasionally calls Duke of Cavalcadi, +claiming that he is the representative of that ancient and noble family on +earth. As for Judson, he always smiles when his wife calls him Duke, but +denies the titular impeachment, for he is on good terms with his landlord, +whose admiration for his tenant's wholly unexpected ability to retain his +cook causes him to regard him as a supernatural being, and therefore +worthy of a Bangletop's regard. + +"All of which," Terwilliger says to Mrs. Terwilliger, "might not be so, my +dear, were I really the duke, for I honestly believe that if there is a +feud of long standing anywhere in the universe, it is between the noble +families of Bangletop and Cavalcadi over on the other shore." + + + + +THE SPECK ON THE LENS + +"Talking about inventions," said the oculist, as he very dexterously +pocketed two of the pool balls, the handsome ringer, more familiarly known +as the fifteen ball, and the white ball itself, thereby adding somewhat to +the minus side of his string--"talking about inventions, I had a curious +experience last August. It was an experience which was not only +interesting from an inventive point of view, but it had likewise a moral, +which, will become more or less obvious as I unfold the story. + +"You know I rented and occupied a place in Yonkers last summer. It was +situated on the high lands to the north of the city, a little this side of +Greystone, overlooking that magnificent stream, the Hudson, the +ever-varying beauties of which so few of the residents along its banks +really appreciate. It was a comfortable spot, with a few trees about it, a +decent-sized garden--large enough to raise a tomato or two for a +Sunday-night salad--and a lawn which was a cure for sore eyes, its soft, +sheeny surface affording a most restful object upon which to feast the +tired optic. I believe it was that lawn that first attracted me as I drove +by the place with a patient I had in tow. It was just after a heavy +shower, and the sun breaking through the clouds and lighting up the +rain-soaked grass gave to it a glistening golden greenness that to my eyes +was one of the most beautiful and soul-satisfying bits of color I had seen +in a long time. 'Oh, for a summer of that!' I said to myself, little +thinking that the beginning of a summer thereof _was_ to fall to my lot +before many days--for on May 1st I signed papers which made me to all +intents and purposes proprietor of the place for the ensuing six months. + +"At one corner of the grounds stood, I should say, a dozen apple-trees, +the spreading branches of which seemed to form a roof for a sort of +enchanted bower, in which, you may be sure, I passed many of my leisure +hours, swinging idly in a hammock, the cool breezes from the Hudson, +concerning which so many people are sceptical, but which nevertheless +exist, bringing delight to the ear and nostril as well as to the 'fevered +brow,' which is so fashionable in the neighborhood of New York in the +summer, making the leaves rustle in a tuneful sort of fashion, and laden +heavily with the sweet odors of many a garden close over which they passed +before they got to me." + +"Put that in rhyme, doctor, and there's your poem," said the lieutenant, +as he made a combination scratch involving every ball on the table. + +"I'll do it," said the doctor; "and then I'll have it printed as Appendix +J to the third edition of my work on _Sixty Astigmatisms, and How to +Acquire Them_. But to get back to my story," he continued. "I was lying +there in my hammock one afternoon trying to take a census of the +butterflies in sight, when I thought I heard some one back of me call me +by name. Instantly the butterfly census was forgotten, and I was on the +alert; but--whether there was something the matter with my eyes or not, I +do not know--despite all my alertness, there wasn't a soul in sight that I +could see. Of course, I was slightly mystified at first, and then I +attributed the interruption either to imagination or to some passer-by, +whose voice, wafted on the breeze, might have reached my ears. I threw +myself back into the hammock once more, and was just about dozing off to +the lullaby sung by a bee to the accompaniment of the rustling leaves, +when I again heard my name distinctly spoken. + +"This time there was no mistake about it, for as I sprang to my feet and +looked about, I saw coming towards me a man of unpleasantly cadaverous +aspect, whose years, I should judge, were at least eighty in number. His +beard was so long and scant that, to keep the breezes from blowing it +about to his discomfort, he had tucked the ends of it into his vest +pocket; his eyes, black as coals, were piercing as gimlets, their +sharpness equalled by nothing that I had ever seen, excepting perhaps the +point of this same person's nose, which was long and thin, suggesting a +razor with a bowie point; his slight body was clad in sombre garb, and at +first glance he appeared to me so disquietingly like a visitor from the +supernatural world that I shuddered; but when he spoke, his voice was all +gentleness, and whatever of fear I had experienced was in a moment +dissipated. + +"'You are Doctor Carey?' he said, in a timid sort of fashion. + +"'Yes,' I replied; 'I am. What can I do for you?' + +"'The distinguished oculist?' he added, as if not hearing my question. + +"'Well, I'm a sort of notorious eye-doctor,' I answered, my well-known +modesty preventing my entire acquiescence in his manner of putting it. + +"He smiled pleasantly as I said this, and then drew out of his coat-tail +pocket a small tin box, which, until he opened it, I supposed contained a +drinking-cup--one of those folding tin cups. + +"'Doctor Carey,' said he, sitting down in the hammock which I had vacated, +and toying with the tin box--a proceeding that was so extraordinarily cool +that it made me shiver--'I have been looking for you for just sixty-three +mortal years.' + +"'Excuse me,' I returned, as nonchalantly as I could, considering the fact +that I was beginning to be annoyed--'excuse me, but that statement seems +to indicate that I was born famous, which I'm inclined to doubt. Inasmuch +as I am not yet fifty years old, I cannot understand how it has come to +pass that you have been looking for me for sixty-three years.' + +"'Nevertheless, my statement was correct,' said he. 'I have been looking +for you for sixty-three years, but not for you as you.' + +"This made me laugh, although it added slightly to my nervousness, which +was now beginning to return. To have a man with a tin box in his hand tell +me he had been looking for me for thirteen years longer than I had lived, +and then to have him add that it was not, however, me as myself that he +wanted, was amusing in a sense, and yet I could not help feeling that it +would be a relief to know that the tin box did hold a drinking-cup, and +not dynamite. + +"'You seem to speak English,' I said, in answer to this remark, 'and I +have always thought I understood that language pretty well, but you'll +excuse me if I say that I don't see your point.' + +"'Why is it that great men are so frequently obtuse?' he said, languidly, +giving the ground such a push with his toe that it set the hammock +swinging furiously. 'When I say that I have searched for you all these +years, but not for you as you, I mean not for you as Dr. Carey, not for +you as an individual, but for you as the possessor of a very rare eye.' + +"'Go on,' I said, feebly, and rubbed my forehead, thinking perhaps my +brains had got into a tangle, and were responsible for this extraordinary +affair. 'What is the peculiar quality which makes my eye so rare?' + +"'There is only one pair of eyes like them in the world, that I know of,' +said the stranger, 'and I have visited all lands in search of them and +experimented with all kinds of eyes.' + +"'And I am the proud possessor of that pair?' I queried, becoming slightly +more interested. + +"'Not you,' said he. 'You and I together possess that pair, however.' + +"'You and I?' I cried. + +"'Yes,' said he. 'Your left eye and my right have the honor of being the +only two unique eyes in the world.' + +"'That's queer too,' I observed, a mixture of sarcasm and flippancy in my +tones, I fear. 'You mean twonique, don't you?' + +"The old gentleman drew himself up with dignity, made a gesture of +impatience, and remarked that if I intended to be flippant he would leave +me. Of course I would not hear of this, now that my curiosity had been +aroused, and so I apologized. + +"'Don't mention it,' he said. 'But, my dear doctor, you cannot imagine my +sensations when I found your eye yesterday.' + +"'Oh! You found it yesterday, did you?' I put in. + +"'Yes,' he said. 'On Forty-third Street.' + +"'I was on Forty-third Street yesterday,' I replied, 'but really I was not +conscious of the loss of my eye.' + +"'Nobody said you had lost it,' said my visitor. 'I only said I had found +it. I mean by that that I found it as Columbus found America. America was +not necessarily lost before it was found. I had the good fortune to be +passing through the street as you left your club. I glanced into your face +as I passed, caught sight of your eye, and my heart stood still. There at +last was that for which I had so long and so earnestly searched, and so +overcome was I with joy at my discovery that I seemed to lose all power of +speech, of locomotion, or of sane thought, and not until you had passed +entirely out of sight did I return really to my senses. Then I rushed +madly into the club-house I had seen you leave a few moments before, +described you to the man at the door, learned your name and address, +and--well, here I am.' + +"'And what does all this extraordinary nonsense lead up to?' I asked. +'What do you intend to do about my eye? Do you wish to borrow it, buy it, +or steal it?' + +"'Doctor Carey,' said my visitor, sadly, 'I shall not live very long. I +have reason to believe that another summer will find me in my grave, and I +do not want to die without imparting to the world the news of a marvellous +discovery I have made--the details of a wonderful invention that I have +not only conceived, but have actually put into working order. _I_, an +unknown man--too old to be able to refute the charge of senility were any +one disposed to question the value of my statements--could announce to the +world my great discovery a thousand times a day, and very properly the +world would decline to believe in me. The world would cry humbug, and I +should have been unable, had I failed to find you, to convince the world +that I was not a humbug. With the discovery of your eye, all that is +changed. I shall have an ally in you, and that is valuable for the reason +that your statements, whatever they may be, will always be entitled to and +will receive respectful attention. Here in this box is my invention. I +shall let you discover its marvellous power for yourself, hoping that when +you have discovered its power, you will tell the world of it, and of its +inventor.' + +"With that," said the doctor, "the old fellow handed me the tin box, which +I opened with considerable misgivings as to possible results. There was no +explosion, however. The cover came off easily enough, and on the inside +was a curiously shaped telescope, not a drinking-cup, as I had at first +surmised. + +"'Why, it's a telescope, isn't it?' I said. + +"'Yes. What did you suppose it was?' he asked. + +"'I hadn't an idea,' I replied, not exactly truthfully. 'But it can't be +good for much in this shape,' I added, for, as I pulled the parts out and +got it to its full length, I found that each section was curved, and that +the whole formed an arc, which, though scarcely perceptible, nevertheless +should, it seemed to me, have interfered with the utility of the +instrument. + +"'That's the point I want you to establish one way or the other,' said my +visitor, getting up out of the hammock, and pacing nervously up and down +the lawn. 'To my eye that telescope is a marvel, and is the result of +years of experiment. It fulfils my expectations, and if your eye is what I +think it is, I shall at last have found another to whom it will appear the +treasure it appears to me to be. You have a tower on your house, I see. +Let us go up on the roof of the tower, and test the glass. Then we shall +see if I claim too much for it.' + +"The earnestness of the old gentleman interested me hugely, and I led the +way through the garden to the house, up the tower stairs to the roof, and +then standing there, looking across the river at the Palisades looming up +like a huge fortress before me, I put the telescope to my eye. + +"'I see absolutely nothing,' I said, after vainly trying to fathom the +depths of the instrument. + +"'Alas!' began the old gentleman; and then he laughed, nervously. 'You are +using the wrong eye. Try the other one. It is your left eye that has the +power to show the virtues of this glass.' + +"I obeyed his order, and then a most singular thing happened. Strange +sights met my gaze. At first I could see nothing but the Palisades +opposite me, but in an instant my horizon seemed to broaden, the vista +through the telescope deepened, and before I knew it my sight was +speeding, now through a beautiful country, over fields, hills, and +valleys; then on through great cities, out to and over a broad, gently +undulating stretch which I at once recognized as the prairie lands of the +west. In a minute more I began to catch the idea of this wonderful glass, +for I now saw rising up before me the wonderful beauties of the Yosemite, +and then, like a flash of the lightning, my vision passed over the Sierra +Nevada range, my eye swept down upon San Francisco, and was soon speeding +over the waters of the Pacific. + +"Two minutes later I saw the strange pagodas of the Chinese rising before +me. Sweeping my glass to the north, bleak Siberia met my gaze; then to the +south I saw India, her jungles, her waste places. Not long after, a most +awful sight met my gaze. I saw a huge ship at the moment of foundering in +the Indian Ocean. Horrified, I turned my glass again to the north, and the +minarets of Stamboul rose up before me; then the dome of St. Peter's at +Rome; then Paris; then London; then the Atlantic Ocean. I levelled my +glass due west, and finally I could see nothing but one small, black +speck--as like to a fleck of dust as to anything else--on the lens at the +other end. With a movement of my hand, I tried to wipe it off, but it +still remained, and, in answer to a chuckle at my side, I put the glass +down. + +"'It is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw,' I said. + +"'Yes, it is,' said the other. + +"'One can almost see around the world with it,' I cried, breathless nearly +with enthusiasm. + +"'One can--quite,' said the inventor, calmly. + +"'Nonsense!' I said. 'Don't claim too much, my friend.' + +"'It is true,' said he. 'Did you notice a speck on the glass? I am sure +you did, for you tried to remove it.' + +"'Yes,' said I, 'I did. But what of it? What does that signify?' + +"'It proves what I said,' he answered. 'You did see all the way around the +world with that glass. The black spot on the lens that you thought was a +piece of dust was the back of your own head.' + +"'Nonsense, my boy! The back of my head is bigger than that,' I said. + +"'Certainly it is,' he responded; 'but you must make some allowance for +perspective. The back of your head is a trifle less than twenty-four +thousand miles from the end of your nose the way you were looking at it.'" + +"You mean to say--" began the lieutenant, as the doctor paused to chalk +his cue. + +"Never mind what I mean to say," said the doctor. "Reflect upon what I +have said." + +"But the man and the telescope--what became of them?" asked the +lieutenant. + +"I was about to tell you that. The old fellow who had made this marvellous +glass, which to two eyes that he knew of, and to only two, would work as +was desired, feeling that he was about to die, had come to me to offer the +glass for sale on two considerations. One was a consideration of $25. The +other was that I would leave no stone unturned to discover a possible +third person younger than myself with an eye similar to those we had, to +whom at my death the glass should be transmitted, exacting from him the +promise that he too would see that it was passed along in the same manner +into the hands of posterity. I was also to acquaint the world with the +story of the glass and the name of its inventor to the fullest extent +possible." + +"And you, of course, accepted?" + +"I did," said the doctor; "but having no money in my pocket, I went down +into the house to borrow it of my wife, and upon my return to the roof, +found no trace of the glass, the old man, or the roof either." + +"What!" cried the lieutenant. "Are you crazy?" + +"No," smiled the doctor. "Not at all. For the moment I reached the roof of +the house, I opened my eyes, and found myself still swinging in the +hammock under the trees." + +"And the moral?" queried the lieutenant. "You promised a moral, or I +should not have listened." + +"Always have money in your pocket," replied the doctor, pocketing the last +ball, and putting up his cue. "Then you are not apt to lose great bargains +such as I lost for the want of $25." + +"It's a good idea," returned the lieutenant. "And you live up to it, I +suppose?" + +"I do," returned the oculist, tapping his pocket significantly. "Always!" + +"Then," said the lieutenant, earnestly, "I wish you'd lend me a tenner, +for really, doctor, I have gone clean broke." + + + + +A MIDNIGHT VISITOR + +I do not assert that what I am about to relate is in all its particulars +absolutely true. Not, understand me, that it is not true, but I do not +feel that I care to make an assertion that is more than likely to be +received by a sceptical age with sneers of incredulity. I will content +myself with a simple narration of the events of that evening, the memory +of which is so indelibly impressed upon my mind, and which, were I able to +do so, I should forget without any sentiments of regret whatsoever. + +The affair happened on the night before I fell ill of typhoid fever, and +is about the sole remaining remembrance of that immediate period left to +me. Briefly the story is as follows: + +Notwithstanding the fact that I was overworked in the practice of my +profession--it was early in March, and I was preparing my contributions +for the coming Christmas issues of the periodicals for which I write--I +had accepted the highly honorable position of Entertainment Committeeman +at one of the small clubs to which I belonged. I accepted the office, +supposing that the duties connected with it were easy of performance, and +with absolutely no notion that the faith of my fellow-committeemen in my +judgment was so strong that they would ultimately manifest a desire to +leave the whole programme for the club's diversion in my hands. This, +however, they did; and when the month of March assumed command of the +calendar I found myself utterly fagged out and at my wits' end to know +what style of entertainment to provide for the club meeting to be held on +the evening of the 15th of that month. I had provided already an unusually +taking variety of evenings, of which one in particular, called the +"Martyrs' Night," in which living authors writhed through selections from +their own works, while an inhuman audience, every man of whom had suffered +even as the victims then suffered, sat on tenscore of camp-stools puffing +the smoke of twenty-five score of free cigars into their faces, and +gloating over their misery, was extremely successful, and had gained for +me among my professional brethren the enviable title of "Machiavelli +Junior." This performance, in fact, was the one now uppermost in the minds +of the club members, having been the most recent of the series; and it had +been prophesied by many men whose judgment was unassailable that no man, +not even I, could ever conceive of anything that could surpass it. +Disposed at first to question the accuracy of a prophecy to the effect +that I was, like most others of my kind, possessed of limitations, I came +finally to believe that perhaps, after all, these male Cassandras with +whom I was thrown were right. Indeed, the more I racked my brains to think +of something better than the "Martyrs' Night," the more I became convinced +that in that achievement I had reached the zenith of my powers. The thing +for me to do now was to hook myself securely on to the zenith and stay +there. But how to do it? That was the question which drove sleep from my +eyes, and deprived me for a period of six weeks of my reason, my hair +departing immediately upon the restoration thereof--a not uncommon +after-symptom of typhoid. + +[Illustration] + +It was a typical March night, this one upon which the extraordinary +incident about to be related took place. It was the kind of night that +novelists use when they are handling a mystery that in the abstract would +amount to nothing, but which in the concrete of a bit of wild, weird, and +windy nocturnalism sends the reader into hysterics. It may be--I shall not +attempt to deny it--that had it happened upon another kind of an +evening--a soft, mild, balmy June evening, for instance--my own experience +would have seemed less worthy of preservation in the amber of publicity, +but of that the reader must judge for himself. The fact alone remains that +upon the night when my uncanny visitor appeared, the weather department +was apparently engaged in getting rid of its remnants. There was a large +percentage of withering blast in the general make-up of the evening; there +were rain and snow, which alternated in pattering upon my window-pane and +whitening the apology for a wold that stands three blocks from my flat on +Madison Square; the wind whistled as it always does upon occasions of this +sort, and from all corners of my apartment, after the usual fashion, there +seemed to come sounds of a supernatural order, the effect of which was to +send cold chills off on their regular trips up and down the spine of their +victim--in this instance myself. I wish that at the time the hackneyed +quality of these sensations had appealed to me. That it did not do so was +shown by the highly nervous state in which I found myself as my clock +struck eleven. If I could only have realized at that hour that these +symptoms were the same old threadbare premonitions of the appearance of a +supernatural being, I should have left the house and gone to the club, and +so have avoided the visitation then imminent. Had I done this, I should +doubtless also have escaped the typhoid, since the doctors attributed that +misfortune to the shock of my experience, which, in my then wearied state, +I was unable to sustain--and what the escape of typhoid would have meant +to me only those who have seen the bills of my physician and druggist for +services rendered and prescriptions compounded are aware. That my mind +unconsciously took thought of spirits was shown by the fact that when the +first chill came upon me I arose and poured out for myself a stiff bumper +of old Reserve Rye, which I immediately swallowed; but beyond this I did +not go. I simply sat there before my fire and cudgelled my brains for an +idea whereby my fellow-members at the Gutenberg Club might be amused. How +long I sat there I do not know. It may have been ten minutes; it may have +been an hour--I was barely conscious of the passing of time--but I do know +that the clock in the Dutch Reformed Church steeple at Twenty-ninth Street +and Fifth Avenue was clanging out the first stroke of the hour of midnight +when my door-bell rang. + +Theretofore--if I may be allowed the word--the tintinnabulation of my +door-bell had been invariably pleasing unto me. I am fond of company, +and company alone was betokened by its ringing, since my creditors +gratify their passion for interviews at my office, if perchance they +happen to find me there. But on this occasion--I could not at the moment +tell why--its clanging seemed the very essence of discord. It jangled +with my nervous system, and as it ceased I was conscious of a feeling of +irritability which is utterly at variance with my nature outside of +business hours. In the office, for the sake of discipline, I frequently +adopt a querulous manner, finding it necessary in dealing with +office-boys, but the moment I leave shop behind me I become a different +individual entirely, and have been called a moteless sunbeam by those +who have seen only that side of my character. This, by-the-way, must be +regarded as a confidential communication, since I am at present engaged +in preparing a vest-pocket edition of the philosophical works of +Schopenhauer in words of one syllable, and were it known that the +publisher had intrusted the magnificent pessimism of that illustrious +juggler of words and theories to a "moteless sunbeam" it might seriously +interfere with the sale of the work; and I may say, too, that this +request that my confidence be respected is entirely disinterested, +inasmuch as I declined to do the work on the royalty plan, insisting +upon the payment of a lump sum, considerably in advance. + +But to return. I heard the bell ring with a sense of profound disgust. I +did not wish to see anybody. My whiskey was low, my quinine pills few in +number; my chills alone were present in a profusion bordering upon +ostentation. + +"I'll pretend not to hear it," I said to myself, resuming my work of +gazing at the flickering light of my fire--which, by-the-way, was the only +light in the room. + +"Ting-a-ling-a-ling" went the bell, as if in answer to my resolve. + +"Confound the luck!" I cried, jumping from my chair and going to the door +with the intention of opening it, an intention however which was speedily +abandoned, for as I approached it a sickly fear came over me--a sensation +I had never before known seemed to take hold of my being, and instead of +opening the door, I pushed the bolt to make it the more secure. + +[Illustration] + +"There's a hint for you, whoever you are!" I cried. "Do you hear that bolt +slide, you?" I added, tremulously, for from the other side there came no +reply--only a more violent ringing of the bell. + +"See here!" I called out, as loudly as I could, "who are you, anyhow. What +do you want?" + +There was no answer, except from the bell, which began again. + +"Bell-wire's too cheap to steal!" I called again. "If you want wire, go +buy it; don't try to pull mine out. It isn't mine, anyhow. It belongs to +the house." + +Still there was no reply, only the clanging of the bell; and then my +curiosity overcame my fear, and with a quick movement I threw open the +door. + +"Are you satisfied now?" I said, angrily. But I addressed an empty +vestibule. There was absolutely no one there, and then I sat down on the +mat and laughed. I never was so glad to see no one in my life. But my +laugh was short-lived. + +"What made that bell ring?" I suddenly asked myself, and then the feeling +of fear came upon me again. I gathered my somewhat shattered self +together, sprang to my feet, slammed the door with such force that the +corridors echoed to the sound, slid the bolt once more, turned the key, +moved a heavy chair in front of it, and then fled like a frightened hare +to the sideboard in my dining-room. There I grasped the decanter holding +my whiskey, seized a glass from the shelf, and started to pour out the +usual dram, when the glass fell from my hand, and was shivered into a +thousand pieces on the hardwood floor; for, as I poured, I glanced through +the open door, and there in my sanctum the flicker of a random flame +divulged the form of a being, the eyes of whom seemed fixed on mine, +piercing me through and through. To say that I was petrified but dimly +expresses the situation. I was granitized, and so I remained, until by a +more luminous flicker from the burning wood I perceived that the being +wore a flaring red necktie. + +"He is human," I thought; and with the thought the tension on my nervous +system relaxed, and I was able to feel a sufficiently well-developed sense +of indignation to demand an explanation. "This is a mighty cool proceeding +on your part," I said, leaving the sideboard and walking into the sanctum. + +[Illustration] + +"Yes," he replied, in a tone that made me jump, it was so extremely +sepulchral--a tone that seemed as if it might have been acquired in a damp +corner of some cave off the earth. "But it's a cool evening." + +"I wonder that a man of your coolness doesn't hire himself out to some +refrigerating company," I remarked, with a sneer which would have +delighted the soul of Cassius himself. + +"I have thought of it," returned the being, calmly. "But never went any +further. Summer-hotel proprietors have always outbid the refrigerating +people, and they in turn have been laid low by millionaires, who have +hired me on occasion to freeze out people they didn't like, but who have +persisted in calling. I must confess, though, my dear Hiram, that you are +not much warmer yourself--this greeting is hardly what I expected." + +"Well, if you want to make me warmer," I retorted, hotly, "just keep on +calling me Hiram. How the deuce did you know of that blot on my +escutcheon, anyhow?" I added, for Hiram was one of the crimes of my family +that I had tried to conceal, my parents having fastened the name of Hiram +Spencer Carrington upon me at baptism for no reason other than that my +rich bachelor uncle, who subsequently failed and became a charge upon me, +was so named. + +"I was standing at the door of the church when you were baptized," +returned the visitor, "and as you were an interesting baby, I have kept an +eye on you ever since. Of course I knew that you discarded Hiram as soon +as you got old enough to put away childish things, and since the failure +of your uncle I have been aware that you desired to be known as Spencer +Carrington, but to me you are, always have been, and always will be, +Hiram." + +"Well, don't give it away," I pleaded. "I hope to be famous some day, and +if the American newspaper paragrapher ever got hold of the fact that once +in my life I was Hiram, I'd have to Hiram to let me alone." + +"That's a bad joke, Hiram," said the visitor, "and for that reason I like +it, though I don't laugh. There is no danger of your becoming famous if +you stick to humor of that sort." + +"Well, I'd like to know," I put in, my anger returning--"I'd like to know +who in Brindisi you are, what in Cairo you want, and what in the name of +the seventeen hinges of the gates of Singapore you are doing here at this +time of night?" + +"When you were a baby, Hiram, you had blue eyes," said my visitor. "Bonny +blue eyes, as the poet says." + +"What of it?" I asked. + +"This," replied my visitor. "If you have them now, you can very easily see +what I am doing here. _I am sitting down and talking to you._" + +"Oh, are you?" I said, with fine scorn. "I had not observed that. The fact +is, my eyes were so weakened by the brilliance of that necktie of yours +that I doubt I could see anything--not even one of my own jokes. It's a +scorcher, that tie of yours. In fact, I never saw anything so red in my +life." + +"I do not see why you complain of my tie," said the visitor. "Your own is +just as bad." + +"Blue is never so withering as red," I retorted, at the same time +caressing the scarf I wore. + +"Perhaps not--but--ah--if you will look in the glass, Hiram, you will +observe that your point is not well taken," said my vis-a-vis, calmly. + +I acted upon the suggestion, and looked upon my reflection in the glass, +lighting a match to facilitate the operation. I was horrified to observe +that my beautiful blue tie, of which I was so proud, had in some manner +changed, and was now of the same aggressive hue as was that of my visitor, +red even as a brick is red. To grasp it firmly in my hands and tear it +from my neck was the work of a moment, and then in a spirit of rage I +turned upon my companion. + +"See here," I cried, "I've had quite enough of you. I can't make you out, +and I can't say that I want to. You know where the door is--you will +oblige me by putting it to its proper use." + +[Illustration] + +"Sit down, Hiram," said he, "and don't be foolish and ungrateful. You are +behaving in a most extraordinary fashion, destroying your clothing and +acting like a madman generally. What was the use of ripping up a handsome +tie like that?" + +"I despise loud hues. Red is a jockey's color," I answered. + +"But you did not destroy the red tie," said he, with a smile. "You tore up +your blue one--look. There it is on the floor. The red one you still have +on." + +Investigation showed the truth of my visitor's assertion. That flaunting +streamer of anarchy still made my neck infamous, and before me on the +floor, an almost unrecognizable mass of shreds, lay my cherished cerulean +tie. The revelation stunned me; tears came into my eyes, and trickling +down over my cheeks, fairly hissed with the feverish heat of my flesh. My +muscles relaxed, and I fell limp into my chair. + +"You need stimulant," said my visitor, kindly. "Go take a drop of your Old +Reserve, and then come back here to me. I've something to say to you." + +"Will you join me?" I asked, faintly. + +"No," returned the visitor. "I am so fond of whiskey that I never molest +it. That act which is your stimulant is death to the rye. Never realized +that, did you?" + +"No, I never did," I said, meekly. + +"And yet you claim to love it. Bah!" he said. + +And then I obeyed his command, drained my glass to the dregs, and +returned. "What is your mission?" I asked, when I had made myself as +comfortable as was possible under the circumstances. + +"To relieve you of your woes," he said. + +"You are a homoeopath, I observe," said I, with a sneer. "You are a +homoeopath in theory and an allopath in practice." + +"I am not usually unintelligent," said he. "I fail to comprehend your +meaning. Perhaps you express yourself badly." + +"I wish you'd express yourself for Zulu-land," I retorted, hotly. "What I +mean is, you believe in the _similia similibus_ business, but you +prescribe large doses. I don't believe troubles like mine can be cured on +your plan. A man can't get rid of his stock by adding to it." + +[Illustration] + +"Ah, I see. You think I have added to your troubles?" + +"I don't think so," I answered, with a fond glance at my ruined tie. "I +know so." + +"Well, wait until I have laid my plan before you, and see if you won't +change your mind," said my visitor, significantly. + +"All right," I said. "Proceed. Only hurry. I go to bed early, as a rule, +and it's getting quite early now." + +"It's only one o'clock," said the visitor, ignoring the sarcasm. "But I +will hasten, as I've several other calls to make before breakfast." + +"Are you a milkman?" I asked. + +"You are flippant," he replied. "But, Hiram," he added, "I have come here +to aid you in spite of your unworthiness. You want to know what to provide +for your club night on the 15th. You want something that will knock the +'Martyr's Night' silly." + +"Not exactly that," I replied, "I don't want anything so abominably good +as to make all the other things I have done seem failures. That is not +good business." + +"Would you like to be hailed as the discoverer of genius? Would you like +to be the responsible agent for the greatest exhibition of skill in a +certain direction ever seen? Would you like to become the most famous +_impresario_ the world has ever known?" + +"Now," I said, forgetting my dignity under the enthusiasm with which I was +inspired by my visitor's words, and infected more or less with his +undoubtedly magnetite spirit--"now you're shouting." + +"I thought so, Hiram. I thought so, and that's why I am here. I saw you on +Wall Street to-day, and read your difficulty at once in your eyes, and I +resolved to help you. I am a magician, and one or two little things have +happened of late to make me wish to prestidigitate in public. I knew you +were after a show of some kind, and I've come to offer you my services." + +"Oh, pshaw!" I said. "The members of the Gutenberg Club are men of +brains--not children. Card tricks are hackneyed, and sleight-of-hand shows +pall." + +[Illustration] + +"Do they, indeed?" said the visitor. "Well, mine won't. If you don't +believe it, I'll prove to you what I can do." + +"I have no paraphernalia," I said. + +"Well, I have," said he, and as he spoke, a pack of cards seemed to grow +out of my hands. I must have turned pale at this unexpected happening, for +my visitor smiled, and said: + +"Don't be frightened. That's only one of my tricks. Now choose a card," he +added, "and when you have done so, toss the pack in the air. Don't tell me +what the card is; it alone will fall to the floor." + +"Nonsense!" said I. "It's impossible." + +"Do as I tell you." + +I did as he told me, to a degree only. I tossed the cards in the air +without choosing one, although I made a feint of doing so. + +_Not a card fell back to the floor. They every one disappeared from view +in the ceiling._ If it had not been for the heavy chair I had rolled in +front of the door, I think I should have fled. + +"How's that for a trick?" asked my visitor. + +I said nothing, for the very good reason that my words stuck in my throat. + +"Give me a little _creme de menthe_, will you, please?" said he, after a +moment's pause. + +"I haven't a drop in the house," I said, relieved to think that this +wonderful being could come down to anything so earthly. + +"Pshaw, Hiram!" he ejaculated, apparently in disgust. "Don't be mean, and, +above all, don't lie. Why, man, you've got a bottle full of it in your +hand! Do you want it all?" + +He was right. Where it came from I do not know; but, beyond question, the +graceful, slim-necked bottle was in my right hand, and my left held a +liqueur-glass of exquisite form. + +"Say," I gasped, as soon as I was able to collect my thoughts, "what are +your terms?" + +"Wait a moment," he answered. "Let me do a little mind-reading before we +arrange preliminaries." + +"I haven't much of a mind to read tonight," I answered, wildly. + +[Illustration] + +"You're right there," said he. "It's like a dime novel, that mind of yours +to-night. But I'll do the best I can with it. Suppose you think of your +favorite poem, and after turning it over in your mind carefully for a few +minutes, select two lines from it, concealing them, of course, from me, +and I will tell you what they are." + +Now my favorite poem, I regret to say, is Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwock," a +fact I was ashamed to confess to an utter stranger, so I tried to deceive +him by thinking of some other lines. The effort was hardly successful, for +the only other lines I could call to mind at the moment were from Rudyard +Kipling's rhyme, "The Post that Fitted," and which ran, + + "Year by year, in pious patience, vengeful Mrs. Boffin sits + Waiting for the Sleary babies to develop Sleary's fits." + +"Humph!" ejaculated my visitor. "You're a great Hiram, you are." + +And then rising from his chair and walking to my "poet's corner," the +magician selected two volumes. + +"There," said he, handing me the _Departmental Ditties_. "You'll find the +lines you tried to fool me with at the foot of page thirteen. Look." + +I looked, and there lay that vile Sleary sentiment, in all the majesty of +type, staring me in the eyes. + +"And here," added my visitor, opening _Alice in the Looking-Glass_--"here +is the poem that to your mind holds all the philosophy of life: + + "'Come to my arms, my beamish boy, + He chortled in his joy.'" + +I blushed and trembled. Blushed that he should discover the weakness of my +taste, trembled at his power. + +"I don't blame you for coloring," said the magician. "But I thought you +said the Gutenberg was made up of men of brains? Do you think you could +stay on the rolls a month if they were aware that your poetic ideals are +summed up in the 'Jabberwock' and 'Sleary's Fits'?" + +"My taste might be far worse," I answered. + +[Illustration] + +"Yes, it might. You might have stooped to liking some of your own verses. +I ought really to congratulate you, I suppose," retorted the visitor, with +a sneering laugh. + +This roused my ire again. + +"Who are you, anyhow, that you come here and take me to task?" I demanded, +angrily. "I'll like anything I please, and without asking your permission. +If I cared more for the _Peterkin Papers_ than I do for Shakespeare, I +wouldn't be accountable to you, and that's all there is about it." + +"Never mind who I am," said the visitor. "Suffice to say that I am myself. +You'll know my name soon enough. In fact, you will pronounce it +involuntarily the first thing when you wake in the morning, and then--" +Here he shook his head ominously, and I felt myself grow rigid with fright +in my chair. "Now for the final trick," he said, after a moment's pause. +"Think of where you would most like to be at this moment, and I'll exert +my power to put you there. Only close your eyes first." + +I closed my eyes and wished. When I opened them I was in the billiard-room +of the Gutenberg Club with Perkins and Tompson. + +"For Heaven's sake, Spencer," they said, in surprise, "where did you drop +in from? Why, man, you are as white as a sheet. And what a necktie! Take +it off!" + +"Grab hold of me, boys, and hold me fast," I pleaded, falling on my knees +in terror. "If you don't, I believe I'll die." + +The idea of returning to my sanctum was intolerably dreadful to me. + +"Ha! ha!" laughed the magician, for even as I spoke to Perkins and Tompson +I found myself seated opposite my infernal visitor in my room once more. +"They couldn't keep you an instant with me summoning you back." + +His laughter was terrible; his frown was pleasanter; and I felt myself +gradually losing control of my senses. + +"Go," I cried. "Leave me, or you will have the crime of murder on your +conscience." + +"I have no con--" he began; but I heard no more. + +That is the last I remember of that fearful night. I must have fainted, +and then have fallen into a deep slumber. + +[Illustration] + +When I waked it was morning, and I was alone, but undressed and in bed, +unconscionably weak, and surrounded by medicine bottles of many kinds. The +clock on the mantle on the other side of the room indicated that it was +after ten o'clock. + +"_Great Beelzebub!_" I cried, taking note of the hour. "I've an engagement +with Barlow at nine." + +And then a sweet-faced woman, who, I afterwards learned, was a +professional nurse, entered the room, and within an hour I realized two +facts. One was that I had lain ill for many days, and that my engagement +with Barlow was now for six weeks unfulfilled; the other, that my midnight +visitor was none other than-- + +And yet I don't know. His tricks certainly were worthy of that individual; +but Perkins and Tompson assert that I never entered the club that night, +and surely if my visitor was Beelzebub himself he would not have omitted +so important a factor of success as my actual presence in the +billiard-room on that occasion would have been; and, besides, he was +altogether too cool to have come from his reputed residence. + +Altogether I think the episode most unaccountable, particularly when I +reflect that while no trace of my visitor was discoverable in my room the +next morning, as my nurse tells me, my blue necktie was in reality found +upon the floor, crushed and torn into a shapeless bundle of frayed rags. + +As for the club entertainment, I am told that, despite my absence, it was +a wonderful success, redeemed from failure, the treasurer of the club +said, by the voluntary services of a guest, who secured admittance on one +of my cards, and who executed some sleight-of-hand tricks that made the +members tremble, and whose mind-reading feats performed on the club's +butler not only made it necessary for him to resign his office, but +disclosed to the House Committee the whereabouts of several cases of rare +wines that had mysteriously disappeared. + + + + +A QUICKSILVER CASSANDRA + +It was altogether queer, and Jingleberry to this day does not entirely +understand it. He had examined his heart as carefully as he knew how, +and had arrived at the entirely reasonable conclusion that he was in +love. He had every symptom of that malady. When Miss Marian Chapman was +within range of his vision there was room for no one else there. He +suffered from that peculiar optical condition which enabled him to see +but one thing at a time when she was present, and she was that one +thing, which was probably the reason why in his mind's eye she was the +only woman in the world, for Marian was ever present before +Jingleberry's mental optic. He had also examined as thoroughly as he +could in hypothesis the heart of this "only woman," and he had--or +thought he had, which amounts to the same thing--reason to believe that +she reciprocated his affection. She certainly seemed glad always when +he was about; she called him by his first name, and sometimes +quarrelled with him as she quarrelled with no one else, and if that +wasn't a sign of love in woman, then Jingleberry had studied the sex +all his years--and they were thirty-two--for nothing. In short, Marian +behaved so like a sister to him that Jingleberry, knowing how dreams +and women go by contraries, was absolutely sure that a sister was just +the reverse from that relationship which in her heart of hearts she was +willing to assume towards him, and he was happy in consequence. +Believing this, it was not at all strange that he should make up his +mind to propose marriage to her, though, like many other men, he was +somewhat chicken-hearted in coming to the point. Four times had he +called upon Marian for the sole purpose of asking her to become his +wife, and four times had he led up to the point and then talked about +something else. What quality it is in man that makes a coward of him in +the presence of one he considers his dearest friend is not within the +province of this narrative to determine, but Jingleberry had it in its +most virulent form. He had often got so far along in his proposal as +"Marian--er--will you--will you--," and there he had as often stopped, +contenting himself with such commonplace conclusions as "go to the +matinee with me to-morrow?" or "ask your father for me if he thinks the +stock market is likely to strengthen soon?" and other amazing +substitutes for the words he so ardently desired, yet feared, to utter. +But this afternoon--the one upon which the extraordinary events about +to be narrated took place--Jingleberry had called resolved not to be +balked in his determination to learn his fate. He had come to propose, +and propose he would, _ruat coelum_. His confidence in a successful +termination to his suit had been reinforced that very morning by the +receipt of a note from Miss Chapman asking him to dine with her parents +and herself that evening, and to accompany them after dinner to the +opera. Surely that meant a great deal, and Jingleberry conceived that +the time was ripe for a blushing "yes" to his long-deferred question. +So he was here in the Chapman parlor waiting for the young lady to come +down and become the recipient of the "interesting interrogatory," as it +is called in some sections of Massachusetts. + +"I'll ask her the first thing," said Jingleberry, buttoning up his Prince +Albert, as though to impart a possibly needed stiffening to his backbone. +"She will say yes, and then I shall enjoy the dinner and the opera so much +the more. Ahem! I wonder if I am pale--I feel sort of--um--There's a +mirror. That will tell." Jingleberry walked to the mirror--an oval, +gilt-framed mirror, such as was very much the vogue fifty years ago, for +which reason alone, no doubt, it was now admitted to the gold-and-white +parlor of the house of Chapman. + +"Blessed things these mirrors," said Jingleberry, gazing at the reflection +of his face. "So reassuring. I'm not at all pale. Quite the contrary. I'm +red as a sunset. Good omen that! The sun is setting on my bachelor +days--and my scarf is crooked. Ah!" + +The ejaculation was one of pleasure, for pictured in the mirror +Jingleberry saw the form of Marian entering the room through the +portieres. + +"How do you do, Marian? been admiring myself in the glass," he said, +turning to greet her. "I--er--" + +Here he stopped, as well he might, for he addressed no one. Miss Chapman +was nowhere to be seen. + +"Dear me!" said Jingleberry, rubbing his eyes in astonishment. "How +extraordinary! I surely thought I saw her--why, I did see her--that is, I +saw her reflection in the gla--Ha! ha! She caught me gazing at myself +there and has hidden." + +He walked to the door and drew the portiere aside and looked into the +hall. There was no one there. He searched every corner of the hall and of +the dining-room at its end, and then returned to the parlor, but it was +still empty. And then occurred the most strangely unaccountable event in +his life. + +As he looked about the parlor, he for the second time found himself before +the mirror, but the reflection therein, though it was of himself, was of +himself with his back turned to his real self, as he stood gazing amazedly +into the glass; and besides this, although Jingleberry was alone in the +real parlor, the reflection of the dainty room showed that there he was +not so, for seated in her accustomed graceful attitude in the reflected +arm-chair was nothing less than the counterfeit presentment of Marian +Chapman herself. + +It was a wonder Jingleberry's eyes did not fall out of his head, he stared +so. What a situation it was, to be sure, to stand there and see in the +glass a scene which, as far as he could observe, had no basis in reality; +and how interesting it was for Jingleberry to watch himself going through +the form of chatting pleasantly there in the mirror's depths with the +woman he loved! It almost made him jealous, though, the reflected +Jingleberry was so entirely independent of the real Jingleberry. The +jealousy soon gave way to consternation, for, to the wondering suitor, the +independent reflection was beginning to do that for which he himself had +come. In other words, there was a proposal going on there in the glass, +and Jingleberry enjoyed the novel sensation of seeing how he himself would +look when passing through a similar ordeal. Altogether, however, it was +not as pleasing as most novelties are, for there were distinct signs in +the face of the mirrored Marian that the mirrored Jingleberry's words were +distasteful to her, and that the proposition he was making was not one she +could entertain under any circumstances. She kept shaking her head, and +the more she shook it, the more the glazed Jingleberry seemed to implore +her to be his. Finally, Jingleberry saw his quicksilver counterpart fall +upon his knees before Marian of the glass, and hold out his arms and hands +towards her in an attitude of prayerful despair, whereupon the girl sprang +to her feet, stamped her left foot furiously upon the floor, and pointed +the unwelcome lover to the door. + +Jingleberry was fairly staggered. What could be the meaning of so +extraordinary a freak of nature? Surely it must be prophetic. Fate was +kind enough to warn him in advance, no doubt; otherwise it was a trick. +And why should she stoop to play so paltry a trick as that upon him? +Surely fate would not be so petty. No. It was a warning. The mirror had +been so affected by some supernatural agency that it divined and reflected +that which was to be instead of confining itself to what Jingleberry +called "simultaneity." It led instead of following or acting coincidently +with the reality, and it was the part of wisdom, he thought, for him to +yield to its suggestion and retreat; and as he thought this, he heard a +soft sweet voice behind him. + +"I hope you haven't got tired of waiting, Tom," it said; and, turning, +Jingleberry saw the unquestionably real Marian standing in the doorway. + +"No," he answered, shortly. "I--I have had a pleasant--very entertaining +ten minutes; but I--I must hurry along, Marian," he added. "I only came to +tell you that I have a frightful headache, and--er--I can't very well +manage to come to dinner or go to the opera with you to-night." + +"Why, Tom," pouted Marian, "I am awfully disappointed! I had counted on +you, and now my whole evening will be spoiled. Don't you think you can +rest a little while, and then come?" + +"Well, I--I want to, Marian," said Jingleberry; "but, to tell the truth, +I--I really am afraid I am going to be ill; I've had such a strange +experience this afternoon. I--" + +"Tell me what it was," suggested Marian, sympathetically; and Jingleberry +did tell her what it was. He told her the whole story from beginning to +end--what he had come for, how he had happened to look in the mirror, and +what he saw there; and Marian listened attentively to every word he said. +She laughed once or twice, and when he had done she reminded him that +mirrors have a habit of reversing everything; and somehow or other +Jingleberry's headache went, and--and--well, everything went! + + + + +THE GHOST CLUB + +AN UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IN THE LIFE OF NO. 5010 + + +Number 5010 was at the time when I received the details of this story from +his lips a stalwart man of thirty-eight, swart of hue, of pleasing +address, and altogether the last person one would take for a convict +serving a term for sneak-thieving. The only outer symptoms of his actual +condition were the striped suit he wore, the style and cut of which are +still in vogue at Sing Sing prison, and the closely cropped hair, which +showed off the distinctly intellectual lines of his head to great +advantage. He was engaged in making shoes when I first saw him, and so +impressed was I with the contrast between his really refined features and +grace of manner and those of his brutish-looking companions, that I asked +my guide who he was, and what were the circumstances which had brought him +to Sing Sing. + +[Illustration] + +"He pegs shoes like a gentleman," I said. + +"Yes," returned the keeper. "He's werry troublesome that way. He thinks +he's too good for his position. We can't never do nothing with the boots +he makes." + +"Why do you keep him at work in the shoe department?" I queried. + +"We haven't got no work to be done in his special line, so we have to put +him at whatever we can. He pegs shoes less badly than he does anything +else." + +"What was his special line?" + +"He was a gentleman of leisure travellin' for his health afore he got into +the toils o' the law. His real name is Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, +of Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire. He landed in this country of a +Tuesday, took to collectin' souvenir spoons of a Friday, was jugged the +same day, tried, convicted, and there he sets. In for two years more." + +"How interesting!" I said. "Was the evidence against him conclusive?" + +"Extremely. A half-dozen spoons was found on his person." + +"He pleaded guilty, I suppose?" + +"Not him. He claimed to be as innocent as a new-born babe. Told a +cock-and-bull story about havin' been deluded by spirits, but the judge +and jury wasn't to be fooled. They gave him every chance, too. He even +cabled himself, the judge did, to Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire, at +his own expense, to see if the man was an impostor, but he never got no +reply. There was them as said there wasn't no such place as +Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea in Warwickshire, but they never proved it." + +"I should like very much to interview him," said I. + +"It can't be done, sir," said my guide. "The rules is very strict." + +"You couldn't--er--arrange an interview for me," I asked, jingling a bunch +of keys in my pocket. + +He must have recognized the sound, for he colored and gruffly replied, "I +has me orders, and I obeys 'em." + +"Just--er--add this to the pension fund," I put in, handing him a +five-dollar bill. "An interview is impossible, eh?" + +[Illustration] + +"I didn't say impossible," he answered, with a grateful smile. "I said +against the rules, but we has been known to make exceptions. I think I can +fix you up." + +Suffice it to say that he did "fix me up," and that two hours later 5010 +and I sat down together in the cell of the former, a not too commodious +stall, and had a pleasant chat, in the course of which he told me the +story of his life, which, as I had surmised, was to me, at least, +exceedingly interesting, and easily worth twice the amount of my +contribution to the pension fund under the management of my guide of the +morning. + +"My real name," said the unfortunate convict, "as you may already have +guessed, is not 5010. That is an alias forced upon me by the State +authorities. My name is really Austin Merton Surrennes." + +"Ahem!" I said. "Then my guide erred this morning when he told me that in +reality you were Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, of Pelhamhurst-by-the- +Sea, Warwickshire?" + +Number 5010 laughed long and loud. "Of course he erred. You don't suppose +that I would give the authorities my real name, do you? Why, man, I am a +nephew! I have an aged uncle--a rich millionaire uncle--whose heart and +will it would break were he to hear of my present plight. Both the heart +and will are in my favor, hence my tender solicitude for him. I am +innocent, of course--convicts always are, you know--but that wouldn't make +any difference. He'd die of mortification just the same. It's one of our +family traits, that. So I gave a false name to the authorities, and +secretly informed my uncle that I was about to set out for a walking trip +across the great American desert, requesting him not to worry if he did +not hear from me for a number of years, America being in a state of +semi-civilization, to which mails outside of certain districts are +entirely unknown. My uncle being an Englishman and a conservative +gentleman, addicted more to reading than to travel, accepts the +information as veracious and suspects nothing, and when I am liberated I +shall return to him, and at his death shall become a conservative man of +wealth myself. See?" + +"But if you are innocent and he rich and influential, why did you not +appeal to him to save you?" I asked. + +"Because I was afraid that he, like the rest of the world, would decline +to believe my defence," sighed 5010. "It was a good defence, if the judge +had only known it, and I'm proud of it." + +"But ineffectual," I put in. "And so, not good." + +"Alas, yes! This is an incredulous age. People, particularly judges, are +hard-headed practical men of affairs. My defence was suited more for an +age of mystical tendencies. Why, will you believe it, sir, my own lawyer, +the man to whom I paid eighteen dollars and seventy-five cents for +championing my cause, told me the defence was rubbish, devoid even of +literary merit. What chance could a man have if his lawyer even didn't +believe in him?" + +"None," I answered, sadly. "And you had no chance at all, though +innocent?" + +"Yes, I had one, and I chose not to take it. I might have proved myself +_non compos mentis_; but that involved my making a fool of myself in +public before a jury, and I have too much dignity for that, I can tell +you. I told my lawyer that I should prefer a felon's cell to the richly +furnished flat of a wealthy lunatic, to which he replied, 'Then all is +lost!' And so it was. I read my defence in court. The judge laughed, the +jury whispered, and I was convicted instanter of stealing spoons, when +murder itself was no further from my thoughts than theft." + +"But they tell me you were caught red-handed," said I. "Were not a +half-dozen spoons found upon your person?" + +"In my hand," returned the prisoner. "The spoons were in my hand when I +was arrested, and they were seen there by the owner, by the police, and by +the usual crowd of small boys that congregate at such embarrassing +moments, springing up out of sidewalks, dropping down from the heavens, +swarming in from everywhere. I had no idea there were so many small boys +in the world until I was arrested, and found myself the cynosure of a +million or more innocent blue eyes." + +[Illustration] + +"Were they all blue-eyed?" I queried, thinking the point interesting from +a scientific point of view, hoping to discover that curiosity of a morbid +character was always found in connection with eyes of a specified hue. + +"Oh no; I fancy not," returned my host. "But to a man with a load of +another fellow's spoons in his possession, and a pair of handcuffs on his +wrists, everything looks blue." + +"I don't doubt it," I replied. "But--er--just how, now, could you defend +yourself when every bit of evidence, and--you will excuse me for saying +so--conclusive evidence at that, pointed to your guilt?" + +"The spoons were a gift," he answered. + +"But the owner denied that." + +"I know it; that's where the beastly part of it all came in. They were not +given to me by the owner, but by a lot of mean, low-down, +practical-joke-loving ghosts." + +Number 5010's anger as he spoke these words was terrible to witness, and +as he strode up and down the floor of his cell and dashed his arms right +and left, I wished for a moment that I was elsewhere. I should not have +flown, however, even had the cell door been open and my way clear, for his +suggestion of a supernatural agency in connection with his crime whetted +my curiosity until it was more keen than ever, and I made up my mind to +hear the story to the end, if I had to commit a crime and get myself +sentenced to confinement in that prison for life to do so. + +Fortunately, extreme measures of this nature were unnecessary, for after a +few moments Surrennes calmed down, and seating himself beside me on the +cot, drained his water-pitcher to the dregs, and began. + +"Excuse me for not offering you a drink," he said, "but the wine they +serve here while moist is hardly what a connoisseur would choose except +for bathing purposes, and I compliment you by assuming that you do not +wish to taste it." + +"Thank you," I said. "I do not like to take water straight, exactly. I +always dilute it, in fact, with a little of this." + +Here I extracted a small flask from my pocket and handed it to him. + +"Ah!" he said, smacking his lips as he took a long pull at its contents, +"that puts spirit into a man." + +"Yes, it does," I replied, ruefully, as I noted that he had left me very +little but the flask; "but I don't think it was necessary for you to +deprive me of all mine." + +"No; that is, you can't appreciate the necessity unless you--er--you have +suffered in your life as I am suffering. You were never sent up yourself?" + +I gave him a glance which was all indignation. "I guess not," I said. "I +have led a life that is above reproach." + +"Good!" he replied. "And what a satisfaction that is, eh? I don't believe +I'd be able to stand this jail life if it wasn't for my conscience, which +is as clear and clean as it would be if I'd never used it." + +"Would you mind telling me what your defence was?" I asked. + +"Certainly not," said he, cheerfully. "I'd be very glad to give it to you. +But you must remember one thing--it is copyrighted." + +"Fire ahead!" I said, with a smile. "I'll respect your copyright. I'll +give you a royalty on what I get for the story." + +"Very good," he answered. "It was like this. To begin, I must tell you +that when I was a boy preparing for college I had for a chum a brilliant +fun-loving fellow named Hawley Hicks, concerning whose future various +prophecies had been made. His mother often asserted that he would be a +great poet; his father thought he was born to be a great general; our +head-master at the Scarberry Institute for Young Gentlemen prophesied the +gallows. They were all wrong; though, for myself, I think that if he had +lived long enough almost any one of the prophecies might have come true. +The trouble was that Hawley died at the age of twenty-three. Fifteen years +elapsed. I was graduated with high honors at Brazenose, lived a life of +elegant leisure, and at the age of thirty-seven broke down in health. That +was about a year ago. My uncle, whose heir and constant companion I was, +gave me a liberal allowance, and sent me off to travel. I came to America, +landed in New York early in September, and set about winning back the +color which had departed from my cheeks by an assiduous devotion to such +pleasures as New York affords. Two days after my arrival, I set out for an +airing at Coney Island, leaving my hotel at four in the afternoon. On my +way down Broadway I was suddenly startled at hearing my name spoken from +behind me, and appalled, on turning, to see standing with outstretched +hands no less a person than my defunct chum, Hawley Hicks." + +[Illustration] + +"Impossible," said I. + +"Exactly my remark," returned Number 5010. "To which I added, 'Hawley +Hicks, it can't be you!' + +"'But it is me,' he replied. + +"And then I was convinced, for Hawley never was good on his grammar. I +looked at him a minute, and then I said, 'But, Hawley, I thought you were +dead.' + +"'I am,' he answered. 'But why should a little thing like that stand +between friends?' + +"'It shouldn't, Hawley,' I answered, meekly; 'but it's condemnedly +unusual, you know, for a man to associate even with his best friends +fifteen years after they've died and been buried.' + +"'Do you mean to say, Austin, that just because I was weak enough once to +succumb to a bad cold, you, the dearest friend of my youth, the closest +companion of my school-days, the partner of my childish joys, intend to go +back on me here in a strange city?' + +"'Hawley,' I answered, huskily, 'not a bit of it. My letter of credit, my +room at the hotel, my dress suit, even my ticket to Coney Island, are at +your disposal; but I think the partner of your childish joys ought first +to be let in on the ground-floor of this enterprise, and informed how the +deuce you manage to turn up in New York fifteen years subsequent to your +obsequies. Is New York the hereafter for boys of your kind, or is this +some freak of my imagination?'" + +"That was an eminently proper question," I put in, just to show that while +the story I was hearing terrified me, I was not altogether speechless. + +"It was, indeed," said 5010; "and Hawley recognized it as such, for he +replied at once. + +"'Neither,' said he. 'Your imagination is all right, and New York is +neither heaven nor the other place. The fact is, I'm spooking, and I can +tell you, Austin, it's just about the finest kind of work there is. If you +could manage to shuffle off your mortal coil and get in with a lot of +ghosts, the way I have, you'd be playing in great luck.' + +"'Thanks for the hint, Hawley,' I said, with a grateful smile; 'but, to +tell you the truth, I do not find that life is entirely bad. I get my +three meals a day, keep my pocket full of coin, and sleep eight hours +every night on a couch that couldn't be more desirable if it were studded +with jewels and had mineral springs.' + +"'That's your mortal ignorance, Austin,' he retorted. 'I lived long enough +to appreciate the necessity of being ignorant, but your style of existence +is really not to be mentioned in the same cycle with mine. You talk about +three meals a day, as if that were an ideal; you forget that with the +eating your labor is just begun; those meals have to be digested, every +one of 'em, and if you could only understand it, it would appall you to +see what a fearful wear and tear that act of digestion is. In my life you +are feasting all the time, but with no need for digestion. You speak of +money in your pockets; well, I have none, yet am I the richer of the two. +I don't need money. The world is mine. If I chose to I could pour the +contents of that jeweller's window into your lap in five seconds, but _cui +bono_? The gems delight my eye quite as well where they are; and as for +travel, Austin, of which you have always been fond, the spectral method +beats all. Just watch me!' + +"I watched him as well as I could for a minute," said 5010; "and then he +disappeared. In another minute he was before me again. + +"'Well,' I said, 'I suppose you've been around the block in that time, +eh?' + +"He roared with laughter. 'Around the block?' he ejaculated. 'I have done +the Continent of Europe, taken a run through China, haunted the Emperor of +Japan, and sailed around the Horn since I left you a minute ago.' + +[Illustration] + +"He was a truthful boy in spite of his peculiarities, Hawley was," said +Surrennes, quietly, "so I had to believe what he said. He abhorred lies." + +"That was pretty fast travelling, though," said I. "He'd make a fine +messenger-boy." + +"That's so. I wish I'd suggested it to him," smiled my host. "But I can +tell you, sir, I was astonished. 'Hawley,' I said, 'you always were a fast +youth, but I never thought you would develop into this. I wonder you're +not out of breath after such a journey.' + +"'Another point, my dear Austin, in favor of my mode of existence. We +spooks have no breath to begin with. Consequently, to get out of it is no +deprivation. But, I say,' he added, 'whither are you bound?' + +"'To Coney Island to see the sights,' I replied. 'Won't you join me?' + +"'Not I,' he replied. 'Coney Island is tame. When I first joined the +spectre band, it seemed to me that nothing could delight me more than an +eternal round of gayety like that; but, Austin, I have changed. I have +developed a good deal since you and I were parted at the grave.' + +"'I should say you had,' I answered. 'I doubt if many of your old friends +would know you.' + +"'You seem to have had difficulty in so doing yourself, Austin,' he +replied, regretfully; 'but see here, old chap, give up Coney Island, and +spend the evening with me at the club. You'll have a good time, I can +assure you.' + +"'The club?' I said. 'You don't mean to say you visions have a club?' + +"'I do indeed; the Ghost Club is the most flourishing association of +choice spirits in the world. We have rooms in every city in creation; and +the finest part of it is there are no dues to be paid. The membership list +holds some of the finest names in history--Shakespeare, Milton, Chaucer, +Napoleon Bonaparte, Caesar, George Washington, Mozart, Frederick the +Great, Marc Antony--Cassius was black-balled on Caesar's account--Galileo, +Confucius.' + +[Illustration] + +"'You admit the Chinese, eh?' I queried. + +"'Not always,' he replied. 'But Con was such a good fellow they hadn't the +heart to keep him out; but you see, Austin, what a lot of fine fellows +there are in it.' + +"'Yes, it's a magnificent list, and I should say they made a pretty +interesting set of fellows to hear talk,' I put in. + +"'Well, rather,' Hawley replied. 'I wish you could have heard a debate +between Shakespeare and Caesar on the resolution, "The Pen is mightier than +the Sword;" it was immense.' + +"'I should think it might have been,' I said. 'Which won?' + +"'The sword party. They were the best fighters; though on the merits of +the argument Shakespeare was 'way ahead.' + +"'If I thought I'd stand a chance of seeing spooks like that, I think I'd +give up Coney Island and go with you,' I said. + +"'Well,' replied Hawley, 'that's just the kind of a chance you do stand. +They'll all be there to-night, and as this is ladies' day, you might meet +Lucretia Borgia, Cleopatra, and a few other feminine apparitions of +considerable note.' + +"'That settles it. I am yours for the rest of the day,' I said, and so we +adjourned to the rooms of the Ghost Club. + +"These rooms were in a beautiful house on Fifth Avenue; the number of the +house you will find on consulting the court records. I have forgotten it. +It was a large, broad, brown-stone structure, and must have been over one +hundred and fifty feet in depth. Such fittings I never saw before; +everything was in the height of luxury, and I am quite certain that among +beings to whom money is a measure of possibility no such magnificence is +attainable. The paintings on the walls were by the most famous artists of +our own and other days. The rugs on the superbly polished floors were +worth fortunes, not only for their exquisite beauty, but also for their +extreme rarity. In keeping with these were the furniture and bric-a-brac. +In short, my dear sir, I had never dreamed of anything so dazzlingly, so +superbly magnificent as that apartment into which I was ushered by the +ghost of my quondam friend Hawley Hicks. + +[Illustration] + +"At first I was speechless with wonder, which seemed to amuse Hicks very +much. + +"'Pretty fine, eh?' he said, with a short laugh. + +"'Well,' I replied, in a moment, 'considering that you can get along +without money, and that all the resources of the world are at your +disposal, it is not more than half bad. Have you a library?' + +"I was always fond of books," explained 5010 in parenthesis to me, "and so +was quite anxious to see what the club of ghosts could show in the way of +literary treasures. Imagine my surprise when Hawley informed me that the +club had no collection of the sort to appeal to the bibliophile. + +"'No,' he answered, 'we have no library.' + +"'Rather strange,' I said, 'that a club to which men like Shakespeare, +Milton, Edgar Allan Poe, and other deceased literati belong should be +deficient in that respect.' + +"'Not at all,' said he. 'Why should we want books when we have the men +themselves to tell their tales to us? Would you give a rap to possess a +set of Shakespeare if William himself would sit down and rattle off the +whole business to you any time you chose to ask him to do it? Would you +follow Scott's printed narratives through their devious and tedious +periods if Sir Walter in spirit would come to you on demand, and tell you +all the old stories over again in a tenth part of the time it would take +you to read the introduction to one of them?' + +"'I fancy not,' I said. 'Are you in such luck?' + +"'I am,' said Hawley; 'only personally I never send for Scott or +Shakespeare. I prefer something lighter than either--Douglas Jerrold or +Marryat. But best of all, I like to sit down and hear Noah swap animal +stories with Davy Crockett. Noah's the brightest man of his age in the +club. Adam's kind of slow.' + +"'How about Solomon?' I asked, more to be flippant than with any desire +for information. I was much amused to hear Hawley speak of these great +spirits as if he and they were chums of long standing. + +[Illustration] + +"'Solomon has resigned from the club,' he said, with a sad sigh. 'He was a +good fellow, Solomon was, but he thought he knew it all until old Doctor +Johnson got hold of him, and then he knuckled under. It's rather rough for +a man to get firmly established in his belief that he is the wisest +creature going, and then, after a couple of thousand years, have an +Englishman come along and tell him things he never knew before, especially +the way Sam Johnson delivers himself of his opinions. Johnson never cared +whom he hurt, you know, and when he got after Solomon, he did it with all +his might.'" + +"I wonder if Boswell was there?" I ventured, interrupting 5010 in his +extraordinary narrative for an instant. + +"Yes, he was there," returned the prisoner. "I met him later in the +evening; but he isn't the spook he might be. He never had much spirit +anyhow, and when he died he had to leave his nose behind him, and that +settled him." + +"Of course," I answered. "Boswell with no nose to stick into other +people's affairs would have been like _Othello_ with Desdemona left out. +But go on. What did you do next?" + +"Well," 5010 resumed, "after I'd looked about me, and drunk my fill of +the magnificence on every hand, Hawley took me into the music-room, and +introduced me to Mozart and Wagner and a few other great composers. In +response to my request, Wagner played an impromptu version of 'Daisy +Bell' on the organ. It was great; not much like 'Daisy Bell,' of course; +more like a collision between a cyclone and a simoom in a tin-plate +mining camp, in fact, but, nevertheless, marvellous. I tried to remember +it afterwards, and jotted down a few notes, but I found the first bar +took up seven sheets of fool's-cap, and so gave it up. Then Mozart tried +his hand on a banjo for my amusement, Mendelssohn sang a half-dozen of +his songs without words, and then Gottschalk played one of Poe's weird +stories on the piano. + +"Then Carlyle came in, and Hawley introduced me to him. He was a gruff +old gentleman, and seemingly anxious to have Froude become an eligible, +and I judged from the rather fierce manner in which he handled a club he +had in his hand, that there were one or two other men of prominence still +living he was anxious to meet. Dickens, too, was desirous of a two-minute +interview with certain of his at present purely mortal critics; and, +between you and me, if the wink that Bacon gave Shakespeare when I spoke +of Ignatius Donnelly meant anything, the famous cryptogrammarian will do +well to drink a bottle of the elixir of life every morning before +breakfast, and stave off dissolution as long as he can. There's no +getting around the fact, sir," Surrennes added, with a significant shake +of the head, "that the present leaders of literary thought with critical +tendencies are going to have the hardest kind of a time when they cross +the river and apply for admission to the Ghost Club. _I_ don't ask for +any better fun than that of watching from a safe distance the initiation +ceremonies of the next dozen who go over. And as an Englishman, sir, who +thoroughly believes in and admires Lord Wolseley, if I were out of jail +and able to do it, I'd write him a letter, and warn him that he would +better revise his estimates of certain famous soldiers no longer living +if he desires to find rest in that mysterious other world whither he must +eventually betake himself. They've got their swords sharpened for him, +and he'll discover an instance when he gets over there in which the sword +is mightier than the pen. + +[Illustration] + +"After that, Hawley took me up-stairs and introduced me to the spirit of +Napoleon Bonaparte, with whom I passed about twenty-five minutes talking +over his victories and defeats. He told me he never could understand how a +man like Wellington came to defeat him at Waterloo, and added that he had +sounded the Iron Duke on the subject, and found him equally ignorant. + +"So the afternoon and evening passed. I met quite a number of famous +ladies--Catherine, Marie Louise, Josephine, Queen Elizabeth, and others. +Talked architecture with Queen Anne, and was surprised to learn that she +never saw a Queen Anne cottage. I took Peg Woffington down to supper, and +altogether had a fine time of it." + +[Illustration] + +"But, my dear Surrennes," I put in at this point, "I fail to see what this +has to do with your defence in your trial for stealing spoons." + +"I am coming to that," said 5010, sadly. "I dwell on the moments passed at +the club because they were the happiest of my life, and am loath to speak +of what followed, but I suppose I must. It was all due to Queen Isabella +that I got into trouble. Peg Woffington presented me to Queen Isabella in +the supper-room, and while her majesty and I were talking, I spoke of how +beautiful everything in the club was, and admired especially a half-dozen +old Spanish spoons upon the side-board. When I had done this, the Queen +called to Ferdinand, who was chatting with Columbus on the other side of +the room, to come to her, which he did with alacrity. I was presented to +the King, and then my troubles began. + +"'Mr. Surrennes admires our spoons, Ferdinand,' said the Queen. + +"The King smiled, and turning to me observed, 'Sir, they are yours. +Er--waiter, just do these spoons up and give them to Mr. Surrennes.' + +"Of course," said 5010, "I protested against this; whereupon the King +looked displeased. + +"'It is a rule of our club, sir, as well as an old Spanish custom, for us +to present to our guests anything that they may happen openly to admire. +You are surely sufficiently well acquainted with the etiquette of club +life to know that guests may not with propriety decline to be governed by +the regulations of the club whose hospitality they are enjoying.' + +"'I certainly am aware of that, my dear King,' I replied, 'and of course I +accept the spoons with exceeding deep gratitude. My remonstrance was +prompted solely by my desire to explain to you that I was unaware of any +such regulation, and to assure you that when I ventured to inform your +good wife that the spoons had excited my sincerest admiration, I was not +hinting that it would please me greatly to be accounted their possessor.' + +"'Your courtly speech, sir,' returned the King, with a low bow, 'is ample +assurance of your sincerity, and I beg that you will put the spoons in +your pocket and say no more. They are yours. _Verb. sap_.' + +[Illustration] + +"I thanked the great Spaniard and said no more, pocketing the spoons with +no little exultation, because, having always been a lover of the quaint +and beautiful, I was glad to possess such treasures, though I must confess +to some misgivings as to the possibility of their being unreal. Shortly +after this episode I looked at my watch and discovered that it was getting +well on towards eleven o'clock, and I sought out Hawley for the purpose of +thanking him for a delightful evening and of taking my leave. I met him in +the hall talking to Euripides on the subject of the amateur stage in the +United States. What they said I did not stop to hear, but offering my hand +to Hawley informed him of my intention to depart. + +"'Well, old chap,' he said, affectionately, 'I'm glad you came. It's +always a pleasure to see you, and I hope we may meet again some time +soon.' And then, catching sight of my bundle, he asked, 'What have you +there?' + +"I informed him of the episode in the supper-room, and fancied I perceived +a look of annoyance on his countenance. + +"'I didn't want to take them, Hawley,' I said; 'but Ferdinand insisted.' + +"'Oh, it's all right!' returned Hawley. 'Only I'm sorry! You'd better get +along home with them as quickly as you can and say nothing; and, above +all, don't try to sell them.' + +"'But why?' I asked. 'I'd much prefer to leave them here if there is any +question of the propriety of my--' + +"Here," continued 5010, "Hawley seemed to grow impatient, for he stamped +his foot angrily, and bade me go at once or there might be trouble. I +proceeded to obey him, and left the house instanter, slamming the door +somewhat angrily behind me. Hawley's unceremonious way of speeding his +parting guest did not seem to me to be exactly what I had a right to +expect at the time. I see now what his object was, and acquit him of any +intention to be rude, though I must say if I ever catch him again, I'll +wring an explanation from him for having introduced me into such bad +company. + +"As I walked down the steps," said 5010, "the chimes of the neighboring +church were clanging out the hour of eleven. I stopped on the last step to +look for a possible hansom-cab, when a portly gentleman accompanied by a +lady started to mount the stoop. The man eyed me narrowly for a moment, +and then, sending the lady up the steps, he turned to me and said, + +"'What are you doing here?' + +"'I've just left the club,' I answered. 'It's all right. I was Hawley +Hicks's guest. Whose ghost are you?' + +"'What the deuce are you talking about?' he asked, rather gruffly, much to +my surprise and discomfort. + +"'I tried to give you a civil answer to your question,' I returned, +indignantly. + +"'I guess you're crazy--or a thief,' he rejoined. + +"'See here, friend,' I put in, rather impressively, 'just remember one +thing. You are talking to a gentleman, and I don't take remarks of that +sort from anybody, spook or otherwise. I don't care if you are the ghost +of the Emperor Nero, if you give me any more of your impudence I'll +dissipate you to the four quarters of the universe--see?' + +"Then he grabbed me and shouted for the police, and I was painfully +surprised to find that instead of coping with a mysterious being from +another world, I had two hundred and ten pounds of flesh and blood to +handle. The populace began to gather. The million and a half of small +boys of whom I have already spoken--mostly street gamins, owing to the +lateness of the hour--sprang up from all about us. Hansom-cab drivers, +attracted by the noise of our altercation, drew up to the sidewalk to +watch developments, and then, after the usual fifteen or twenty minutes, +the blue-coat emissary of justice appeared. + +"'Phat's dthis?' he asked. + +"'I have detected this man leaving my house in a suspicious manner,' said +my adversary. 'I have reason to suspect him of thieving.' + +"'_Your_ house!' I ejaculated, with fine scorn. 'I've got you there; this +is the house of the New York Branch of the Ghost Club. If you want it +proved,' I added, turning to the policeman, 'ring the bell, and ask.' + +"'Oi t'ink dthat's a fair prophosition,' observed the policeman. 'Is the +motion siconded?' + +"'Oh, come now!' cried my captor. 'Stop this nonsense, or I'll report you +to the department. This is my house, and has been for twenty years. I want +this man searched.' + +"'Oi hov no warrant permithin' me to invistigate the contints ov dthe +gintlemon's clothes,' returned the intelligent member of the force. 'But +av yez 'll take yer solemn alibi dthat yez hov rayson t' belave the +gintlemon has worked ony habeas corpush business on yure propherty, oi'll +jug dthe blag-yard.' + +"'I'll be responsible,' said the alleged owner of the house. 'Take him to +the station.' + +"'I refuse to move,' I said. + +"'Oi'll not carry yez,' said the policeman, 'and oi'd advoise ye to +furnish yure own locomotion. Av ye don't, oi'll use me club. Dthot's th' +ounly waa yez 'll git dthe ambulanch.' + +"'Oh, well, if you insist,' I replied, 'of course I'll go. I have nothing +to fear.' + +"You see," added 5010 to me, in parenthesis, "the thought suddenly flashed +across my mind that if all was as my captor said, if the house was really +his and not the Ghost Club's, and if the whole thing was only my fancy, +the spoons themselves would turn out to be entirely fanciful; so I was all +right--or at least I thought I was. So we trotted along to the police +station. On the way I told the policeman the whole story, which impressed +him so that he crossed himself a half-dozen times, and uttered numerous +ejaculatory prayers--'Maa dthe shaints presharve us,' and 'Hivin hov +mershy,' and others of a like import. + +"'Waz dthe ghosht ov Dan O'Connell dthere?' he asked. + +"Yes,' I replied. 'I shook hands with it.' + +"'Let me shaak dthot hand,' he said, his voice trembling with emotion, and +then he whispered in my ear: 'Oi belave yez to be innoshunt; but av yez +ain't, for the love of Dan, oi'll let yez _esh_cape.' + +[Illustration] + +"'Thanks, old fellow,' I replied. 'But I am innocent of wrong-doing, as I +can prove.' + +"Alas!" sighed the convict, "it was not to be so. When I arrived at the +station-house, I was dumfounded to learn that the spoons were all too +real. I told my story to the sergeant, and pointed to the monogram, +'G.C.,' on the spoons as evidence that my story was correct; but even +that told against me, for the alleged owner's initials were G.C.--his +name I withhold--and the monogram only served to substantiate his claim +to the spoons. Worst of all, he claimed that he had been robbed on several +occasions before this, and by midnight I found myself locked up in a dirty +cell to await trial. + +"I got a lawyer, and, as I said before, even he declined to believe my +story, and suggested the insanity dodge. Of course I wouldn't agree to +that. I tried to get him to subpoena Ferdinand and Isabella and Euripides +and Hawley Hicks in my behalf, and all he'd do was to sit there and shake +his head at me. Then I suggested going up to the Metropolitan Opera-house +some fearful night as the clock struck twelve, and try to serve papers on +Wagner's spook--all of which he treated as unworthy of a moment's +consideration. Then I was tried, convicted, and sentenced to live in this +beastly hole; but I have one strong hope to buoy me up, and if that is +realized, I'll be free to-morrow morning." + +"What is that?" I asked. + +"Why," he answered, with a sigh, as the bell rang summoning him to his +supper--"why, the whole horrid business has been so weird and uncanny that +I'm beginning to believe it's all a dream. If it is, why, I'll wake up, +and find myself at home in bed; that's all. I've clung to that hope for +nearly a year now, but it's getting weaker every minute." + +"Yes, 5010," I answered, rising and shaking him by the hand in parting; +"that's a mighty forlorn hope, because I'm pretty wide awake myself at +this moment, and can't be a part of your dream. The great pity is you +didn't try the insanity dodge." + +"Tut!" he answered. "That is the last resource of a weak mind." + + + + +A PSYCHICAL PRANK + + +I + +Willis had met Miss Hollister but once, and that, for a certain purpose, +was sufficient. He was smitten. She represented in every way his ideal, +although until he had met her his ideal had been something radically +different. She was not at all Junoesque, and the maiden of his dreams had +been decidedly so. She had auburn hair, which hitherto Willis had +detested. Indeed, if the same hirsute wealth had adorned some other +woman's head, Willis would have called it red. This shows how completely +he was smitten. She changed his point of view entirely. She shattered his +old ideal and set herself up in its stead, and she did most of it with a +smile. + +There was something, however, about Miss Hollister's eyes that contributed +to the smiting of Willis's heart. They were great round lustrous orbs, and +deep. So deep were they and so penetrating that Willis's affections were +away beyond their own depth the moment Miss Hollister's eyes looked into +his, and at the same time he had a dim and slightly uncomfortable notion +that she could read every thought his mind held within its folds--or +rather, that she could see how utterly devoid of thought that mind was +upon this ecstatic occasion, for Willis's brain was set all agog by the +sensations of the moment. + +"By Jove!" he said to himself afterwards--for Willis, wise man that he +could be on occasions, was his own confidant, to the exclusion of all +others--"by Jove! I believe she can peer into my very soul; and if she +can, my hopes are blasted, for she must be able to see that a soul like +mine is no more worthy to become the affinity of one like hers than a +mountain rill can hope to rival the Amazon." + +Nevertheless, Willis did hope. + +"Something may turn up, and perhaps--perhaps I can devise some scheme by +means of which my imperfections can be hidden from her. Maybe I can put +stained glass over the windows of my soul, and keep her from looking +through them at my shortcomings. Smoked glasses, perhaps--and why not? If +smoked glasses can be used by mortals gazing at the sun, why may they not +be used by me when gazing into those scarcely less glorious orbs of hers?" + +Alas for Willis! The fates were against him. A far-off tribe of fates were +in league to blast his chances of success forever, and this was how it +happened: + +Willis had occasion one afternoon to come up town early. At the corner of +Broadway and Astor Place he entered a Madison Avenue car, paid his fare, +and sat down in one of the corner seats at the rear end of the car. His +mind was, as usual, intent upon the glorious Miss Hollister. Surely no one +who had once met her could do otherwise than think of her constantly, he +reflected; and the reflection made him a bit jealous. What business had +others to think of her? Impertinent, grovelling mortals! No man was good +enough to do that--no, not even himself. But he could change. He could at +least try to be worthy of thinking about her, and he knew of no other man +who could. He'd like to catch any one else doing so little as mentioning +her name! + +"Impertinent, grovelling mortals!" he repeated. + +And then the car stopped at Seventeenth Street, and who should step on +board but Miss Hollister herself! + +"The idea!" thought Willis. "By Jove! there she is--on a horse-car, too! +How atrocious! One might as well expect to see Minerva driving in a +grocer's wagon as Miss Hollister in a horse-car. Miserable, untactful +world to compel Minerva to ride in a horse-cart, or rather Miss Hollister +to ride in a grocer's car! Absurdest of absurdities!" + +Here he raised his hat, for Miss Hollister had bowed sweetly to him as she +passed on to the far end of the car, where she stood hanging on to a +strap. + +"I wonder why she doesn't sit down?" thought Willis; for as he looked +about the car he observed that with the exception of the one he occupied +all the seats were vacant. In fact, the only persons on board were Miss +Hollister, the driver, the conductor, and himself. + +"I think I'll go speak to her," he thought. And then he thought again: +"No, I'd better not. She saw me when she entered, and if she had wished to +speak to me she would have sat down here beside me, or opposite me +perhaps. I shall show myself worthy of her by not thrusting my presence +upon her. But I wonder why she stands? She looks tired enough." + +Here Miss Hollister indulged in a very singular performance. She bowed her +head slightly at some one, apparently on the sidewalk, Willis thought, +murmured something, the purport of which Willis could not catch, and sat +down in the middle of the seat on the other side of the car, looking very +much annoyed--in fact, almost unamiable. + +Willis was more mystified than ever; but his mystification was as nothing +compared to his anxiety when, on reaching Forty-second Street, Miss +Hollister rose, and sweeping by him without a sign of recognition, left +the car. + +"Cut, by thunder!" ejaculated Willis, in consternation. "And why, I +wonder? Most incomprehensible affair. Can she be a woman of whims--with +eyes like those? Never. Impossible. And yet what else can be the matter?" + +Try as he might, Willis could not solve the problem. It was utterly past +solution as far as he was concerned. + +"I'll find out, and I'll find out like a brave man," he said, after +racking his brains for an hour or two in a vain endeavor to get at the +cause of Miss Hollister's cut. "I'll call upon her to-night and ask her." + +He was true to his first purpose, but not to his second. He called, but he +did not ask her, for Miss Hollister did not give him the chance to do so. +Upon receiving his card she sent down word that she was out. Two days +later, meeting him face to face upon the street, she gazed coldly at him, +and cut him once more. Six months later her engagement to a Boston man was +announced, and in the autumn following Miss Hollister of New York became +Mrs. Barrows of Boston. There were cards, but Willis did not receive one +of them. The cut was indeed complete and final. But why? That had now +become one of the great problems of Willis's life. What had he done to be +so badly treated? + + +II + +A year passed by, and Willis recovered from the dreadful blow to his +hopes, but he often puzzled over Miss Hollister's singular behavior +towards him. He had placed the matter before several of his friends, and, +with the exception of one of them, none was more capable of solving his +problem than he. This one had heard from his wife, a school friend and +intimate acquaintance of Miss Hollister, now Mrs. Barrows, that Willis's +ideal had once expressed herself to the effect that she had admired Willis +very much until she had discovered that he was not always as courteous as +he should be. + +"Courteous? Not as courteous as I should be?" retorted Willis. "When have +I ever been anything else? Why, my dear Bronson," he added, "you know what +my attitude towards womankind--as well as mankind--has always been. If +there is a creature in the world whose politeness is his weakness, I am +that creature. I'm the most courteous man living. When I play poker in my +own rooms I lose money, because I've made it a rule never to beat my +guests in cards or anything else." + +"That isn't politeness," said Bronson. "That's idiocy." + +"It proves my point," retorted Willis. "I'm polite to the verge of +insanity. Not as courteous as I should be! Great Scott! What did I ever do +or say to give her that idea?" + +"I don't know," Bronson replied. "Better ask her. Maybe you overdid your +politeness. Overdone courtesy is often worse than boorishness. You may +have been so polite on some occasion that you made Miss Hollister think +you considered her an inferior person. You know what the poet insinuated. +Sorosis holds no fury like a woman condescended to by a man." + +"I've half a mind to write to Mrs. Barrows and ask her what I did," said +Willis. + +"That would be lovely," said Bronson. "Barrows would be pleased." + +"True. I never thought of that," replied Willis. + +"You are not a thoughtful thinker," said Bronson, dryly. "If I were you +I'd bide my time, and some day you may get an explanation. Stranger things +have happened; and my wife tells me that the Barrowses are to spend the +coming winter in New York. You'll meet them out somewhere, no doubt." + +"No; I shall decline to go where they are. No woman shall cut me a second +time--not even Mrs. Barrows," said Willis, firmly. + +"Good! Stand by your colors," said Bronson, with an amused smile. + +A week or two later Willis received an invitation from Mr. and Mrs. +Bronson to dine with them informally. "I have some very clever friends I +want you to meet," she wrote. "So be sure to come." + +Willis went. The clever friends were Mr. and Mrs. Barrows; and, to the +surprise of Willis, he was received most effusively by the quondam Miss +Hollister. + +"Why, Mr. Willis," she said, extending her hand to him. "How delightful to +see you again!" + +"Thank you," said Willis, in some confusion. "I--er--I am sure it is a +very pleasant surprise for me. I--er--had no idea--" + +"Nor I," returned Mrs. Barrows. "And really I should have been a little +embarrassed, I think, had I known you were to be here. I--ha! ha!--it's so +very absurd that I almost hesitate to speak of it--but I feel I must. I've +treated you very badly." + +"Indeed!" said Willis, with a smile. "How, pray?" + +"Well, it wasn't my fault really," returned Mrs. Barrows; "but do you +remember, a little over a year ago, my riding up-town on a horse-car--a +Madison Avenue car--with you?" + +"H'm!" said Willis, with an affectation of reflection. "Let me see; +ah--yes--I think I do. We were the only ones on board, I believe, +and--ah--" + +Here Mrs. Barrows laughed outright. "You thought we were the only ones on +board, but--we weren't. The car was crowded," she said. + +"Then I don't remember it," said Willis. "The only time I ever rode on a +horse-car with you to my knowledge was--" + +"I know; this was the occasion," interrupted Mrs. Barrows. "You sat in a +corner at the rear end of the car when I entered, and I was very much put +out with you because it remained for a stranger, whom I had often seen and +to whom I had, for reasons unknown even to myself, taken a deep aversion, +to offer me his seat, and, what is more, compel me to take it." + +"I don't understand," said Willis. "We were alone on the car." + +"To your eyes we were, although at the time I did not know it. To my eyes +when I boarded it the car was occupied by enough people to fill all the +seats. You returned my bow as I entered, but did not offer me your seat. +The stranger did, and while I tried to decline it, I was unable to do so. +He was a man of about my own age, and he had a most remarkable pair of +eyes. There was no resisting them. His offer was a command; and as I rode +along and thought of your sitting motionless at the end of the car, +compelling me to stand, and being indirectly responsible for my acceptance +of courtesies from a total and disagreeable stranger, I became so very +indignant with you that I passed you without recognition as soon as I +could summon up courage to leave. I could not understand why you, who had +seemed to me to be the soul of politeness, should upon this occasion have +failed to do not what I should exact from any man, but what I had reason +to expect of you." + +"But, Mrs. Barrows," remonstrated Willis, "why should I give up a seat to +a lady when there were twenty other seats unoccupied on the same car?" + +"There is no reason in the world why you should," replied Mrs. Barrows. +"But it was not until last winter that I discovered the trick that had +been put upon us." + +"Ah?" said Willis. "Trick?" + +"Yes," said Mrs. Barrows. "It was a trick. The car was empty to your eyes, +but crowded to mine with the astral bodies of the members of the Boston +Theosophical Society." + +"Wha-a-at?" roared Willis. + +"It is just as I have said," replied Mrs. Barrows, with a silvery laugh. +"They are all great friends of my husband's, and one night last winter he +dined them at our house, and who do you suppose walked in first?" + +"Madame Blavatsky's ghost?" suggested Willis, with a grin. + +"Not quite," returned Mrs. Barrows. "But the horrible stranger of the +horse-car; and, do you know, he recalled the whole thing to my mind, +assuring me that he and the others had projected their astral bodies over +to New York for a week, and had a magnificent time unperceived by all save +myself, who was unconsciously psychic, and so able to perceive them in +their invisible forms." + +"It was a mean trick on me, Mrs. Barrows," said Willis, ruefully, as soon +as he had recovered sufficiently from his surprise to speak. + +"Oh no," she replied, with a repetition of her charming laugh, which +rearoused in Willis's breast all the regrets of a lost cause. "They didn't +intend it especially for you, anyhow." + +"Well," said Willis, "I think they did. They were friends of your +husband's, and they wanted to ruin me." + +"Ruin you? And why should the friends of Mr. Barrows have wished to do +that?" asked Mrs. Barrows, in astonishment. + +"Because," began Willis, slowly and softly--"because they probably knew +that from the moment I met you, I--But that is a story with a +disagreeable climax, Mrs. Barrows, so I shall not tell it. How do you like +Boston?" + + + + +THE LITERARY REMAINS OF THOMAS BRAGDON + +I was much pained one morning last winter on picking up a copy of the +_Times_ to note therein the announcement of the death of my friend Tom +Bragdon, from a sudden attack of la grippe. The news stunned me. It was +like a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, for I had not even heard that +Tom was ill; indeed, we had parted not more than four days previously +after a luncheon together, at which it was I who was the object of his +sympathy because a severe cold prevented my enjoyment of the whitebait, +the fillet, the cigar, and indeed of everything, not even excepting +Bragdon's conversation, which upon that occasion should have seemed more +than usually enlivening, since he was in one of his most exuberant moods. +His last words to me were, "Take care of yourself, Phil! I should hate to +have you die, for force of habit is so strong with me that I shall forever +continue to lunch with none but you, ordering two portions of everything, +which I am sure I could not eat, and how wasteful that would be!" And now +he had passed over the threshold into the valley, and I was left to mourn. + +I had known Bragdon as a successful commission merchant for some ten or +fifteen years, during which period of time we had been more or less +intimate, particularly so in the last five years of his life, when we were +drawn more closely together; I, attracted by the absolute genuineness of +his character, his delightful fancy, and to my mind wonderful originality, +for I never knew another like him; he, possibly by the fact that I was one +of the very few who could entirely understand him, could sympathize with +his peculiarities, which were many, and was always ready to enter into any +one of his odd moods, and with quite as much spirit as he himself should +display. It was an ideal friendship. + +[Illustration] + +It had been our custom every summer to take what Bragdon called spirit +trips together--that is to say, generally in the early spring, Bragdon and +I would choose some out-of-the-way corner of the world for exploration; we +would each read all the literature that we could find concerning the +chosen locality, saturate our minds with the spirit, atmosphere, and +history of the place, and then in August, boarding a small schooner-rigged +boat belonging to Bragdon, we would cruise about the Long Island Sound or +sail up and down the Hudson River for a week, where, tabooing all other +subjects, we would tell each other all that we had been able to discover +concerning the place we had decided upon for our imaginary visit. In this +way we became tolerably familiar with several places of interest which +neither of us had ever visited, and which, in my case, financial +limitations, and in Bragdon's, lack of time, were likely always to prevent +our seeing. As I remember the matter, this plan was Bragdon's own, and its +first suggestion by him was received by me with a smile of derision; but +the quaintness of the idea in time won me over, and after the first trial, +when we made a spirit trip to Beloochistan, I was so fascinated by my +experience that I eagerly looked forward to a second in the series, and +was always thereafter only too glad to bear my share of the trouble and +expense of our annual journeyings. In this manner we had practically +circumnavigated this world and one or two of the planets; for, content as +we were to visit unseen countries in spirit only, we were never hampered +by the ordinary limitations of travel, and where books failed to supply us +with information the imagination was called into play. The universe was +open to us at the expense of a captain for our sharpie, canned provisions +for a week, and a moderate consumption of gray matter in the conjuring up +of scenes with which neither ourselves nor others were familiar. The trips +were refreshing always, and in the case of our spirit journey through +Italy, which at that time neither of us had visited, but which I have +since had the good-fortune to see in the fulness of her beauty, I found it +to be far more delightful than the reality. + +[Illustration] + +"We'll go in," said Bragdon, when he proposed the Italian tour, "by the +St. Gothard route, the description of which I will prepare in detail +myself. You can take the lakes, rounding up with Como. I will follow with +the trip from Como to Milan, and Milan shall be my care. You can do Verona +and Padua; I Venice. Then we can both try our hands at Rome and Naples; in +the latter place, to save time, I will take Pompeii, you Capri. Thence we +can hark back to Rome, thence to Pisa, Genoa, and Turin, giving a day to +Siena and some of the quaint Etruscan towns, passing out by the Mont Cenis +route from Turin to Geneva. If you choose you can take a run along the +Riviera and visit Monte Carlo. For my own part, though, I'd prefer not to +do that, because it brings a sensational element into the trip which I +don't particularly care for. You'd have to gamble, and if your imagination +is to have full play you ought to lose all your money, contemplate +suicide, and all that. I don't think the results would be worth the mental +strain you'd have to go through, and I certainly should not enjoy hearing +about it. The rest of the trip, though, we can do easily in five days, +which will leave us two for fishing, if we feel so disposed. They say the +blue-fish are biting like the devil this year." + +I regret now that we did not include a stenographer among the necessaries +of our spirit trips, for, as I look back upon that Italian tour, it was +well worthy of preservation in book form, particularly Bragdon's +contributions, which were so delightfully imaginative that I cannot but +rejoice that he did not live to visit the scenes of which he so eloquently +spoke to me upon that occasion. The reality, I fear, would have been a +sore disappointment to him, particularly in relation to Venice, concerning +which his notions were vaguely suggestive of an earthly floating paradise. + +[Illustration] + +"Ah, Philip," he said, as we cast anchor one night in a little inlet near +Milford, Connecticut, "I shall never forget Venice. This," he added, +waving his hand over the silvery surface of the moonlit water--"this +reminds me of it. All is so still, so romantic, so beautiful. I arrived +late at night, and my first sensations were those of a man who has entered +a city of the dead. The bustle, the noise and clatter, of a great city +were absent; nothing was there but the massive buildings rising up out of +the still, peaceful waters like gigantic tombs, and as my gondolier guided +the sombre black craft to which I had confided my safety and that of my +valise, gliding in and out along those dark unlit streams, a great wave of +melancholy swept over me, and then, passing from the minor streets into +the Grand Canal, the melancholy was dispelled by the brilliant scene that +met my eyes--great floods of light coming from everywhere, the brilliance +of each ray re-enforced by its reflection in the silent river over which I +was speeding. It was like a glimpse of paradise, and when I reached my +palace I was loath to leave the gondola, for I really felt as though I +could glide along in that way through all eternity." + +"You lived in a palace in Venice?" I asked, somewhat amused at the +magnificence of this imaginary tour. + +"Certainly. Why not?" he replied. "I could not bring myself to staying in +a hotel, Phil, in Venice. Venice is of a past age, when hotels were not, +and to be thoroughly _en rapport_ with my surroundings, I took up my abode +in a palace, as I have said. It was on one of the side streets, to be +sure, but it was yet a palace, and a beautiful one. And that street! It +was a rivulet of beauty, in which could be seen myriads of golden-hued +fish at play, which as the gondola passed to and fro would flirt into +hiding until the intruder had passed out of sight in the Grand Canal, +after which they would come slowly back again to render the silver waters +almost golden with their brilliance." + +"Weren't you rather extravagant, Tom?" I asked. "Palaces are costly, are +they not?" + +"Oh no," he replied, with as much gravity as though he had really taken +the trip and was imparting information to a seeker after knowledge. "It +was not extravagant when you consider that anything in Venice in the way +of a habitable house is called a palace, and that there are no servants to +be tipped; that your lights, candles all, cost you first price only, and +not the profit of the landlord, plus that of the concierge, plus that of +the maid, plus several other small but aggravatingly augmentative sums +which make your hotel bills seem like highway robbery. No, living in a +palace, on the whole, is cheaper than living in a hotel; incidentals are +less numerous and not so costly; and then you are so independent. Mine was +a particularly handsome structure. I believe I have a picture of it here." + +Here Bragdon fumbled in his satchel for a moment, and then dragged forth a +small unmounted photograph of a Venetian street scene, and, pointing out +an ornate structure at the left of the picture, assured me that that was +his palace, though he had forgotten the name of it. + +"By-the-way," he said, "let me say parenthetically that I think our +foreign trips will have a far greater _vraisemblance_ if we heighten the +illusion with a few photographs, don't you? They cost about a quarter +apiece at Blank's, in Twenty-third Street." + +"A good idea that," I answered, amused at the thoroughness with which +Bragdon was "doing" Venice. "We can remember what we haven't seen so very +much more easily." + +"Yes," Bragdon said, "and besides, they'll keep us from exaggeration." + +And then he went on to tell me of his month in Venice; how he chartered a +gondola for the whole of his stay there from a handsome romantic Venetian +youth, whose name was on a card Tom had had printed for the occasion, +reading: + +GIUSEPPE ZOCCO +Gondolas at all Hours +Cor. Grand Canal and Garibaldi St. + +"Giuseppe was a character," Bragdon said. "One of the remnants of a +by-gone age. He could sing like a bird, and at night he used to bring his +friends around to the front of my palace and hitch up to one of the piles +that were driven beside my doorstep, and there they'd sing their soft +Italian melodies for me by the hour. It was better than Italian opera, and +only cost me ten dollars for the whole season." + +"And did this Giuseppe speak English, Tom?" I queried, "or did you speak +Italian? I am curious to know how you got on together in a conversational +sense." + +[Illustration] + +"That is a point, my dear Phil," Bragdon replied, "that I have never +decided. I have looked at it from every point of view, and it has baffled +me. I have asked myself the question, which would be the more likely, that +Giuseppe should speak English, or that I should speak Italian? It has +seemed to me that the latter would be the better way, for, all things +considered, an American produce-broker is more likely to be familiar with +the Italian tongue than a Venetian gondola-driver with the English. On the +other hand, we want our accounts of these trips to seem truthful, and you +_know_ that I am not familiar with Italian, and we do not either of us +know that a possible Zocco would not be a fluent speaker of English. To be +honest with you, I will say that I had hoped you would not ask the +question." + +"Well," I answered, "I'll withdraw it. As this is only a spirit trip we +can each decide the point as it seems best to us." + +"I think that is the proper plan," he said, and then, proceeding with his +story, he described to me the marvellous paintings that adorned the walls +of his palace; how he had tried to propel a gondola himself, and got a +fall into the "deliciously tepid waters of the canal," as he called them, +for his pains; and it seemed very real, so minute were the details into +which he entered. + +But the height of Bragdon's realism in telling his story of Venice was +reached when, diving down into the innermost recesses of his vest pocket, +he brought forth a silver filigree effigy of a gondola, which he handed me +with the statement that it was for me. + +"I got that in the plaza of St. Marc's. I had visited the cathedral, +inspected the mosaic flooring, taken a run to the top of the campanile, +fed the pigeons, and was just about returning to the palace, when I +thought of you, Phil, getting ready to do Rome with me, and I thought to +myself 'what a dear fellow he is!' and, as I thought that, it occurred to +me that I'd like you to know I had you in mind at the time, and so I +stopped in one of those brilliant little shops on the plaza, where they +keep everything they have in the windows, and bought that. It isn't much, +old fellow, but it's for remembrance' sake." + +I took it from him and pressed his hand affectionately, and for a moment, +as the little sharpie rose and fell with the rising and falling of the +slight undulating waves made by the passing up to anchorage of a small +steam-tug, I almost believed that Tom had been to Venice. I still treasure +the little filigree gondola, nor did I, when some years later I visited +Venice, see there anything for which I would have exchanged that sweet +token of remembrance. + +Bragdon, as will already have been surmised by you who read, was more of a +humorist than anything else, but the enthusiasm of his humor, its absolute +spontaneity and kindliness, gave it at times a semblance to what might +pass for true poetry. He was by disposition a thoroughly sweet spirit, and +when I realized that he had gone before, and that the trips he and I had +looked forward to with such almost boyish delight year by year were never +more to be had, my eyes grew wet, and for a time I was disconsolate; and +yet one week later I was laughing heartily at Bragdon. + +He had appointed me, it was found when his will was read, his literary +executor. I fairly roared with mirth to think of Bragdon's having a +literary executor, for, imaginative and humorous as he undoubtedly was, he +had been so thoroughly identified in my mind with the produce business +that I could scarcely bring myself to think of him in the light of a +literary person. Indeed, he had always seemed to me to have an intolerance +of literature. I had taken but half of a spirit trip with him when I +discovered that he relied more upon his own imagination for facts of +interest than upon what could be derived from books. He showed this trait +no more strongly than when we came, upon this same Italian tour of which I +have already written at some length, to do Rome together, for I then +discovered how imaginary indeed the trips were from his point of view. +What seemed to him as proper to be was, and neither history nor +considerations of locality ever interfered with the things being as he +desired them to be. Had it been otherwise he never would have endeavored +to make me believe that he had stood upon the very spot in the Colosseum +where Caesar addressed the Roman mob in impassioned words, exhorting them +to resist the encroachment upon their liberties of the Pope! + +At first it seemed to me that my late friend was indulging in a posthumous +joke, and I paid his memory the compliment of seeing the point. But when, +some days later, I received a note from his executors stating that they +had found in the store-room of Bragdon's house a large packing-box full of +papers and books, upon the cover of which was tacked a card bearing my +address, I began to wonder whether or not, after all, the imagination of +my dead friend had really led him to believe that he possessed literary +ability. + +I immediately sent word to the executors to have the box forwarded to me +by express, and awaited its coming with no little interest, and, it must +be confessed, with some anxiety; for I am apt to be depressed by the +literary lucubrations of those of my friends who, devoid of the literary +quality, do yet persist in writing, and for as long a time as I had known +Bragdon I had never experienced through him any sensations save those of +exhilaration, and I greatly feared a posthumous breaking of the spell. +Poet in feeling as I thought him, I could hardly imagine a poem written by +my friend, and while I had little doubt that I could live through the +reading of a novel or short prose sketch from his pen, I was apprehensive +as to the effect of a possible bit of verse. + +It seemed to me, in short, that a poem by Bragdon, while it might easily +show the poet's fancy, could not fail to show also the produce-broker's +clumsiness of touch. His charm was the spontaneity of his spoken words, +his enthusiastic personality disarming all criticism; what the labored +productions of his fancy might prove to be, I hardly dared think. It was +this dread that induced me, upon receipt of the box, appalling in its bulk +and unpleasantly suggestive of the departure to other worlds of the +original consignor, since it was long and deep like the outer oaken +covering of a casket, to delay opening it for some days; but finally I +nerved myself up to the duty that had devolved upon me, and opened the +box. + +[Illustration] + +It was full to overflowing with printed books in fine bindings, short +tales in Bragdon's familiar hand in copy-books, manuscripts almost without +number, three Russia-leather record-books containing, the title-page told +me, that which I most dreaded to find, _The Poems of Thomas Bragdon_, and +dedicated to "His Dearest Friend"--myself. I had no heart to read beyond +the dedication that night, but devoted all my time to getting the contents +of the box into my library, having done which I felt it absolutely +essential to my happiness to put on my coat, and, though the night was +stormy, to rush out into the air. I think I should have suffocated in an +open field with those literary remains of Thomas Bragdon heaped about me +that night. + +On my return I went immediately to bed, feeling by no means in the mood to +read _The Poems of Thomas Bragdon_. I tossed about through the night, +sleeping little, and in the morning rose up unrefreshed, and set about the +examination of the papers and books intrusted to my care by my departed +friend. And oh, the stuff I found there! If I was depressed at starting +in, I was stupefied when it was all over, for the collection was +mystifying to the point that it stunned. + +In the first place, on opening Volume I. of the _Poems of Thomas Bragdon_, +the first thing to greet my eyes were these lines: + + CONSTANCY + + Often have I heard it said + That her lips are ruby-red: + Little heed I what they say, + I have seen as red as they. + Ere she smiled on other men, + Real rubies were they then. + But now her lips are coy and cold; + To mine they ne'er reply; + And yet I cease not to behold + The love-light in her eye: + Her very frowns are fairer far + Than smiles of other maidens are. + +As I read I was conscious of having seen the lines somewhere before, and +yet I could not place them for the moment. They certainly possessed merit, +so much so, in fact, that I marvelled to think of their being Bragdon's. I +turned the leaves further and discovered this: + + DISAPPOINTMENT + + Come to me, O ye children, + For I hear you at your play, + And the questions that perplexed me + Have vanished quite away. + + The Poem of the Universe + Nor rhythm has nor rhyme; + Some God recites the wondrous song, + A stanza at a time. + + I dwell not now on what may be; + Night shadows o'er the scene; + But still my fancy wanders free + Through that which might have been. + +Two stanzas in the poem, the first and the last, reminded me, as did the +lines on "Constancy," of something I had read before. In a moment I had +placed the first as the opening lines of Longfellow's "Children," and a +search through my books showed that the concluding verse was taken bodily +from Peacock's exquisite little poem "Castles in the Air." + +Despairing to solve the problem that now confronted me, which was, in +brief, what Bragdon meant by bodily lifting stanzas from the poets and +making them over into mosaics of his own, I turned from the poems and cast +my eyes over some of the bound volumes in the box. + +The first of these to come to hand was a copy of _Hamlet_, bound in tree +calf, the sole lettering on the book being on the back, as follows: + +HAMLET +Bragdon +New York + +This I deemed a harmless bit of vanity, and not necessarily misleading, +since many collectors of books see fit to have their own names emblazoned +on the backs of their literary treasures; but pray imagine my horror upon +opening the volume to discover that the name of William Shakespeare had +been erased from the title-page, and that of Thomas Bragdon so carefully +inserted that except to a practised eye none would ever know that the page +was not as it had always been. I must confess to some mirth when I read +that title-page: + +HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK +A Tragedy +By +THOMAS BRAGDON, ESQUIRE + +The conceit was well worthy of my late friend in one of his most fanciful +moods. In other volumes the same substitution had been made, so that to +one not versed in literature it would have seemed as though "Thomas +Bragdon, Esquire," had been the author not only of _Hamlet_, but also of +_Vanity Fair_, _David Copperfield_, _Rienzi_, and many other famous works, +and I am not sure but that the great problem concerning the "Junius Letters" +was here solved to the satisfaction of Bragdon, if not to my own. There +were but two exceptions in the box to the rule of substituting the name of +Bragdon for that of the actual author; one of these was an Old Testament, +on the fly-leaf of which Bragdon had written, "To my dear friend Bragdon," +and signed "The Author." I think I should have laughed for hours over this +delightful reminder of my late friend's power of imagination had not the +second exception come almost immediately to hand--a copy of Milton, which +I recognized at once as one I had sent Tom at Christmas two years before +his death, and on the fly-leaf of which I had written, "To Thomas Bragdon, +with the love of, his faithfully, Philip Marsden." This was, indeed, a +commonplace enough inscription, but it gathered unexpected force when I +turned over a leaf and my eyes rested on the title, where Bragdon's love +of substitutes had led him to put my name where Milton's had been. + +The discovery was too much for my equanimity. I was thoroughly +disconcerted, almost angry, and I felt, for the first time in my life, +that there had been vagaries in Bragdon's character with which I could not +entirely sympathize; but in justice to myself, it must be said, these +sentiments were induced by first thoughts only. Certainly there could be +but one way in which Bragdon's substitution of my name for Milton's could +prove injurious or offensive to me who was his friend, and that was by his +putting that copy out before the world to be circulated at random, which +avenue to my discomfiture he had effectually closed by leaving the book in +my hands, to do with it whatsoever I pleased. Second thoughts showed me +that it was only a fear of what the outsider might think that was +responsible for my temporary disloyalty to my departed comrade's memory, +and then when I remembered how thoroughly we twain had despised the +outsider, I was so ashamed of my aberration that I immediately renewed my +allegiance to the late King Tom; so heartily, in fact, that my emotions +wellnigh overcame me, and I found it best to seek distractions in the +outer world. + +I put on my hat and took a long walk along the Riverside Drive, the crisp +air of the winter night proving a tonic to my disturbed system. It was +after midnight when I returned to my apartment in a tolerably comfortable +frame of mind, and yet as I opened the door to my study I was filled with +a vague apprehension--of what I could not determine, but which events soon +justified, for as I closed the door behind me, and turned up the light +over my table, I became conscious of a pair of eyes fixed upon me. +Nervously whirling about in my chair and glancing over towards my +fireplace, I was for a moment transfixed with terror, for there, leaning +against the mantel and gazing sadly into the fire, was Tom Bragdon +himself--the man whom but a short time before I had seen lowered into his +grave. + +[Illustration] + +"Tom," I cried, springing to my feet and rushing towards him--"Tom, what +does this mean? Why have you come back from the spirit world to--to haunt +me?" + +As I spoke he raised his head slowly until his eyes rested full upon my +own, whereupon he vanished, all save those eyes, which remained fixed upon +mine, and filled with the soft, affectionate glow I had so often seen in +them in life. + +"Tom," I cried again, holding out my hand towards him in a beseeching +fashion, "come back. Explain this dreadful mystery if you do not wish me +to lose my senses." + +And then the eyes faded from my sight, and I was alone again. Horrified by +my experience, I rushed from the study into my bedroom, where I threw +myself, groaning, upon my couch. To collect my scattered senses was of +difficult performance, and when finally my agitated nerves did begin to +assume a moderately normal state, they were set adrift once more by Tom's +voice, which was unmistakably plain, bidding me to come back to him there +in the study. Fearful as I was of the results, I could not but obey, and I +rose tremblingly from my bed and tottered back to my desk, to see Bragdon +sitting opposite my usual place just as he had so often done when in the +flesh. + +"Phil," he said in a moment, "don't be afraid. I couldn't hurt you if I +would, and you know--or if you don't know you ought to know--that to +promote your welfare has always been the supremest of my desires. I have +returned to you here to-night to explain my motive in making the +alterations in those books, and to account for the peculiarities of those +verses. We have known each other, my dear boy, how many years?" + +"Fifteen, Tom," I said, my voice husky with emotion. + +"Yes, fifteen years, and fifteen happy years, Phil. Happy years to me, to +whom the friendship of one who understood me was the dearest of many dear +possessions. From the moment I met you I felt I had at last a friend, one +to whom my very self might be confided, and who would through all time and +under all circumstances prove true to that trust. It seemed to me that you +were my soul's twin, Phil, and as the years passed on and we grew closer +to each other, when the rough corners of my nature adapted themselves to +the curves of yours, I almost began to think that we were but one soul +united in all things spiritual, two only in matters material. I never +spoke of it to you; I thought of it in communion with myself; I never +thought it necessary to speak of it to you, for I was satisfied that you +knew. I did not realize until--until that night a fortnight since, when +almost without warning I found myself on the threshold of the dark valley, +that perhaps I was mistaken. I missed you, and so sudden was the attack, +and so swiftly did the heralds of death intrude upon me, that I had no +time to summon you, as I wished; and as I lay there upon my bed, to the +watchers unconscious, it came to me, like a dash of cold water in my face, +that after all we were not one, but in reality two; for had we been one, +you would have known of the perilous estate of your other self, and would +have been with me at the last. And, Phil, the realization that chilled my +very soul, that showed me that what I most dearly loved to believe was +founded in unreality, reconciled me to the journey I was about to take +into other worlds, for I knew that should I recover, life could never seem +quite the same to me." + +Here Bragdon, or his spirit, stopped speaking for a moment, and I tried to +say something, but could not. + +"I know how you feel, Phil," said he, noticing my discomfiture, "for, +though you are not so much a part of me that you thoroughly comprehend me, +I have become so much a part of you that your innermost thoughts are as +plain to me as though they were mine. But let me finish. I realized when I +lay ill and about to die that I had permitted my theory of happiness to +obscure my perception of the actual. As you know, my whole life has been +given over to imagination--all save that portion of my existence, which I +shall not dignify by calling life, when I was forced by circumstances to +bring myself down to realities. I did not live whilst in commercial +pursuits. It was only when I could leave business behind and travel in +fancy wheresoever I wished that I was happy, and in those moments, Phil, I +was full of aspiration to do those things for which nature had not fitted +me, and to the extent that I recognized my inability to do those things I +failed to be content. I should have liked to be a great writer, a poet, a +great dramatist, a novelist--a little of everything in the literary world. +I should have liked to know Shakespeare, to have been the friend of +Milton; and when I came out of my dreams it made me unhappy to think that +such I never could be, until one day this idea came to me: all the +happiness of life is bound up in the 'let's pretend' games which we learn +in childhood, and no harm results to any one. If I can imagine myself off +with my friend Phil Marsden in the lakes of England and Scotland, in the +African jungle, in the moon, anywhere, and enter so far into the spirit of +the trips as to feel that they are real and not imagination, why may I not +in fancy be all these things that I so aspire to be? Why may not the plays +of Shakespeare become the plays of Thomas Bragdon? Why may not the poems +of Milton become the poems of my dearest, closest friend Phil Marsden? +What is to prevent my achieving the highest position in letters, art, +politics, science, anything, in imagination? I acted upon the thought, and +I found the plan worked admirably up to a certain point. It was easy to +fancy myself the author of _Hamlet_, until I took my copy of that work in +hand to read, and then it would shock and bring me back to earth again to +see the name of another on the title-page. My solution of this vexatious +complication was soon found. Surely, thought I, it can harm no one if I +choose in behalf of my own conceit to substitute my name for that of +Shakespeare, and I did so. The illusion was complete; indeed, it became no +illusion, for my eyes did not deceive me. I saw what existed: the +title-page of _Hamlet_ by Thomas Bragdon. I carried the plan further, and +where I found a piece of literature that I admired, there I made the +substitution of my name for that of the real author, and in the case of +that delightful copy of Milton you gave me, Phil, it pleased me to believe +that it was presented to me by the author, only the inscription on the +title-page made it necessary for me to foist upon you the burden or +distinction of authorship. Then, as I lived on in my imaginary paradise, +it struck me that for one who had done such great things in letters I was +doing precious little writing, and I bethought me of a plan which a +dreadful reality made all the more pleasing. I looked into literature to a +slight extent, and I perceived at once that originality is no longer +possible. The great thoughts have been thought; the great truths have been +grasped and made clear; the great poems have been written. I saw that the +literature of to-day is either an echo of the past or a combination of the +ideas of many in the productions of the individual, and upon that basis I +worked. My poems are combinations. I have taken a stanza from one poet, +and combining it with a stanza from another, have made the resulting poem +my own, and in so far as I have made no effort to profit thereby I have +been clear in my conscience. No one has been deceived but myself, though I +saw with some regret this evening when you read my lines that you were +puzzled by them. I had believed that you understood me sufficiently to +comprehend them." + +Here my ghostly visitor paused a moment and sighed. I felt as though some +explanation of my lack of comprehension early in the evening was +necessary, and so I said: + +"I should have understood you, Tom, and I do now, but I have not the +strength of imagination that you have." + +"You are wrong there, Phil," said he. "You have every bit as strong an +imagination as I, but you do not keep it in form. You do not exercise it +enough. How have you developed your muscles? By constant exercise. The +imagination needs to be kept in play quite as much as the muscles, if we +do not wish it to become flabby as the muscles become when neglected. That +your imagination is a strong one is shown by my presence before you +to-night. In reality, Phil, I am lying out there in Greenwood, cold in my +grave. Your imagination places me here, and as applied to my books, the +play of _Hamlet_ by Thomas Bragdon, and my poems, they will also +demonstrate to you the strength of your fancy if you will show them, say, +to your janitor, to-morrow morning. Try it, Phil, and see; but this is +only a part, my boy, of what I have come here to say to you. I am here, in +the main, to show you that throughout all eternity happiness may be ours +if we but take advantage of our fancy. Do you take delight in my society? +Imagine me present, Phil, and I will be present. There need be no death +for us, there need be no separation throughout all the years to come, if +you but exercise your fancy in life, and when life on this earth ends, +then shall we be reunited according to nature's laws. Good-night, Phil. It +is late; and while I could sit here and talk forever without weariness, +you, who have yet to put off your mortal limitations, will be worn out if +I remain longer." + +We shook hands affectionately, and Bragdon vanished as unceremoniously as +he had appeared. For an hour after his departure I sat reflecting over the +strange events of the evening, and finally, worn out in body and mind, +dropped off into sleep. When I awakened it was late in the forenoon, and I +was surprised when I recalled all that I had gone through to feel a sense +of exhilaration. I was certainly thoroughly rested, and cares which had +weighed rather heavily on me in the past now seemed light and +inconsiderable. My apartments never looked so attractive, and on my table, +to my utter surprise and delight, I saw several objects of art, notably a +Bary-- bronze, that it had been one of my most cherished hopes to possess. +Where they came from I singularly enough did not care to discover; suffice +it to say that they have remained there ever since, nor have I been at all +curious to know to whose generosity I owe them, though when that afternoon +I followed Bragdon's advice, and showed his book of poems and the volume +of _Hamlet_ to the janitor, a vague notion as to how matters really stood +entered my mind. The janitor cast his eye over the leather-covered book of +poems when I asked what he thought of it. + +"Nothin' much," he said. "You goin' to keep a diary?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked. + +[Illustration] + +"Why, when I sees people with handsome blank books like that I allus +supposes that's their object." + +_Blank-book indeed!_ And yet, perhaps, he was not wrong. I did not +question it, but handed him the Bragdon _Hamlet_. + +"Read that page aloud to me," I said, indicating the title-page and +turning my back upon him, almost dreading to hear him speak. + +"Certainly, if you wish it; but aren't you feeling well this morning, Mr. +Marsden?" + +"Very," I replied, shortly. "Go on and read." + +"Hamlet, Prince of Denmark," he read, in a halting sort of fashion. + +"Yes, yes; and what else?" I cried, impatiently. + +"A Tragedy by William Shak--" + +That was enough for me. I understood Tom, and at last I understood myself. +I grasped the book from the janitor's hands, rather roughly, I fear, and +bade him begone. + + +The happiest period of my life has elapsed since then. I understand that +some of my friends profess to believe me queer; but I do not care. I am +content. + +The world is practically mine, and Bragdon and I are always together. + + +THE END + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Water Ghost and Others, by John Kendrick Bangs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WATER GHOST AND OTHERS *** + +This file should be named wghst10.txt or wghst10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, wghst11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, wghst10a.txt + +Produced by Eric Eldred, Beth Trapaga +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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