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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/8168-h.zip b/8168-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51b354d --- /dev/null +++ b/8168-h.zip diff --git a/8168-h/8168-h.htm b/8168-h/8168-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e63f3b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8168-h/8168-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8968 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<title>Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III. +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:15%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc {margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE {margin-left: 15%; font-size: 84%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + +<h2>Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III.</h2> +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III., by Francois Rabelais + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8168] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<h1> + MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, <br>HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF</h2> +<br><br> +<h1> + GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + Book III. +</h2><br><br> +<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" height="887" width="568" +alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="image-0002"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1023" width="632" +alt="Titlepage +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br><br> +<h3> + Translated into English by +<br> + Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty +<br> + and +<br> + Peter Antony Motteux +</h3> +<br><br><br> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the + first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' + are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the + translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in + 1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. + Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as + the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from + the 1738 copy edited by Ozell.</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait2.jpg" height="435" width="540" +alt="Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> + +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0001"> +THE THIRD BOOK +</a></p> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0001"> +Chapter 3.I.—How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0002"> +Chapter 3.II.—How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his revenue before it came in. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0003"> +Chapter 3.III.—How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0004"> +Chapter 3.IV.—Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0005"> +Chapter 3.V.—How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0006"> +Chapter 3.VI.—Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0007"> +Chapter 3.VII.—How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent codpiece. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0008"> +Chapter 3.VIII.—Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0009"> +Chapter 3.IX.—How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or no. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0010"> +Chapter 3.X.—How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian lotteries. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0011"> +Chapter 3.XI.—How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the throwing of dice to be unlawful. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0012"> +Chapter 3.XII.—How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0013"> +Chapter 3.XIII.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0014"> +Chapter 3.XIV.—Panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0015"> +Chapter 3.XV.—Panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered beef. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0016"> +Chapter 3.XVI.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0017"> +Chapter 3.XVII.—How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0018"> +Chapter 3.XVIII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0019"> +Chapter 3.XIX.—How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0020"> +Chapter 3.XX.—How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0021"> +Chapter 3.XXI.—How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0022"> +Chapter 3.XXII.—How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0023"> +Chapter 3.XXIII.—How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0024"> +Chapter 3.XXIV.—How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0025"> +Chapter 3.XXV.—How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0026"> +Chapter 3.XXVI.—How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0027"> +Chapter 3.XXVII.—How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0028"> +Chapter 3.XXVIII.—How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0029"> +Chapter 3.XXIX.—How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0030"> +Chapter 3.XXX.—How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his nuptial enterprise. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0031"> +Chapter 3.XXXI.—How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0032"> +Chapter 3.XXXII.—How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances of marriage. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0033"> +Chapter 3.XXXIII.—Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0034"> +Chapter 3.XXXIV.—How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0035"> +Chapter 3.XXXV.—How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0036"> +Chapter 3.XXXVI.—A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0037"> +Chapter 3.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0038"> +Chapter 3.XXXVIII.—How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0039"> +Chapter 3.XXXIX.—How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0040"> +Chapter 3.XL.—How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which he decided by the chance of the dice. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0041"> +Chapter 3.XLI.—How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0042"> +Chapter 3.XLII.—How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0043"> +Chapter 3.XLIII.—How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0044"> +Chapter 3.XLIV.—How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human judgment. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0045"> +Chapter 3.XLV.—How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0046"> +Chapter 3.XLVI.—How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Triboulet. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0047"> +Chapter 3.XLVII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the holy bottle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0048"> +Chapter 3.XLVIII.—How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0049"> +Chapter 3.XLIX.—How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb named Pantagruelion. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0050"> +Chapter 3.L.—How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0051"> +Chapter 3.LI.—Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0052"> +Chapter 3.LII.—How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not able to consume it. +</a></p> +<br><br><br> +<hr> +<br><br><br> + +<h2>List of Illustrations</h2> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0001"> +He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0002"> +Titlepage +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0003"> +Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0004"> +Francois Rabelais—portrait +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0005"> +Panurge Seeks the Advice of Pantagruel—3-08-240 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0006"> +Found the Old Woman Sitting Alone—3-17-225 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0007"> +The Chamber is Already Full of Devils—3-23-294 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0008"> +Rondibilus the Physician—3-30-322 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0009"> +Altercation Waxed Hot in Words—3-37-346 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0010"> +Bridlegoose—3-39-352 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0011"> +Relateth the History of The Reconcilers—3-41-356 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0012"> +Sucking Very Much at the Purses of The Pleading Parties—3-42-360 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0013"> +Serving in the Place of a Cravat—3-51-386 +</a></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + +<br><br><br> + + +<hr> +<br><br><br> + + +<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait.jpg" height="849" width="622" +alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="2H_4_0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE THIRD BOOK +</h2> +<br><br> + +<h4> + Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre. +</h4> +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,<br> + Gone back, and now familiar in the skies,<br> + Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,<br> + Which to obey thee always took delight,—<br> + Obsequious, ready,—now from motion free,<br> + Senseless, and as it were in apathy,<br> + Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,<br> + From that divine, eternal, heavenly place,<br> + To see the third part, in this earthy cell,<br> + Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?<br> +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br><br> +<h2> + The Author's Prologue. +</h2> +<p> + Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty + gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher? If you have + seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my + understanding and logical sense. It is a gallant thing to see the + clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun. I'll be judged by the blind born so + renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask + whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant is + effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. Item, you + are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more + than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the + Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion + faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety, + faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired + liquor. +</p> +<p> + If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have + not, at least you have heard some talk of him. For through the air, and + the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and + fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned. + Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived. + If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I know + not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their + otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and gave + occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly Ears. + If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to make + your wine relish. Drink then,—so, to the purpose. Hearken now whilst I + give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your + simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the + cheerfullest of a thousand. If he had some imperfection, so have you, so + have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect. Yet so it was, + that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor + and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not + been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian. +</p> +<p> + When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth, + the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he + with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of + them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not + neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves + in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city. +</p> +<p> + Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables, + bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision. +</p> +<p> + Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses, + bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced + themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded + the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps, + plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed + barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques, + and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol. Everyone + did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket. + Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the + headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks, + gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons, + shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs. Others made + ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls, + firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory + and destructive to the Hellepolides. They sharpened and prepared spears, + staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes, + quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes, + maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons. They + set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers, + bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards, + knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons. +</p> +<p> + Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his + natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so + reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know + the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants. +</p> +<p> + Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the + magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many + days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the + countenance of his fellow-citizens. +</p> +<p> + Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial + spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his + sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and, + giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs, + away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth + called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he + roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the + injuries of the weather: there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did + he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it, + huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it, + invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it, + knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw + it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample + it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it, + resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. And then + again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled + it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it, + brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it, + transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, + hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it, + settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it, + tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it, + mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it, + adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it, + pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated + it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like + another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged + it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the + bottom of it out. +</p> +<p> + Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil + his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's answer + was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he + thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub, + that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might + not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow. To the same purpose may I say + of myself, +</p> +<pre> + Though I be rid from fear, + I am not void of care. +</pre> +<p> + For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a + trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts + of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of + the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in + the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the + repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy + so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the + future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged, + and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little + withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be + the father of all good things; and therefore do I believe that war is in + Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty + Latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be + seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good + and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness + and deformity. For proof whereof the wise and pacific Solomon could no + better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by + comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array, + well provided and ordered. +</p> +<p> + Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my + compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side, + being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but + to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to + me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle + spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the + view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy, + and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all + remains for me to be done ('And not exert myself, and contribute thereto + this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.'—Ozell.). In my + opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of + their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their + head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe + calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses at the melody of + musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express + their consent to the prosopopoeia. Having made this choice and election, + it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor + troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set a-going my Diogenical tub, + which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former + misfortunes. +</p> +<p> + At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do? By + the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet. Stay a little, + till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it + is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. Drinking thus, I + meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude. After that the epilogue is + made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again. Ennius drinking wrote, + and writing drank. Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any + faith, drank composing, and drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting, + and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk. These passages I have + brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the + example of men well praised and better prized. It is good and fresh + enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree. + God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised + for it eternally! If you after the same manner would take one great + draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly + find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all + some small scantling of thanks. +</p> +<p> + Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard—for it is not for + everybody to go to Corinth—I am fully resolved to be so little idle and + unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of + people. Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, I will do as + did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of + Montauban in his latter days: I will serve the masons, I'll set on the pot + to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at + the sound of my small pipe, I'll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards. + Thus did Amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the + great and renowned city of Thebes. +</p> +<p> + For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give + them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness + and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled, + you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of + our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and + consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you + may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical: and shall have me, seeing I + cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and + cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the + enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and + glorious achievements. I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de + dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant you, + will be loth to do. +</p> +<p> + I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one + day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had + acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a + Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that + the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of + breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian + Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and + Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were + things never before that seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of these + novelties to win the love of the people. But what happened thereupon? At + the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the + sight of the party-coloured man—some scoffed at him as a detestable + monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which + he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the + affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and + disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more + pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect, + than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. Since which time + he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly + thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance, + they did exchange their life with death. +</p> +<p> + This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting + that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be + most distasteful to me: my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall + have but some deformed puppy: instead of serving them, I shall but vex + them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this + dubious adventure Euclion's cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and by + Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by + his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried. Put the + case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the + like may occur again. Yet, by Hercules! it will not. So I perceive in + them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual + properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof + they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal + heart. I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and + remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better. Having + despatched this point, I return to my barrel. +</p> +<p> + Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! Drink, boys, and trowl it off at + full bowls! If you do not think it good, let it alone. I am not like + those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence, + constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what + is worse. All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are + a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it + please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove + agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink, + frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome. This is + my decree, my statute and ordinance. +</p> +<p> + And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of + Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so + much shall I tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel remain + inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current. Such was the + beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively + represented amongst the Brachman sages. Such was in Iberia the mountain of + salt so highly written of by Cato. Such was the branch of gold consecrated + to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely. It is a + true cornucopia of merriment and raillery. If at any time it seem to you + to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn + wholly dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's bottle; + and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids. Remark well what I + have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, to the + end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did protest + that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not pierced + this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first + edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree. The great dorophages, + bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the + hooks for their venison. There may they follow their prey; here is no + garbage for them. You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery, + speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you + bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which + at that time conjoined them. As for hypocrites, much less; although they + were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with + unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating. (And wherefore?) Because + indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we + daily pray to God to deliver us. And albeit we see them sometimes + counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet. Hence, + mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my + sunshine; curs, to the devil! Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to + pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel? Look, here is the cudgel which + Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for + beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary + hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds. Pack you hence, therefore, you + hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the + devil! Hay! What, are you there yet? I renounce my part of Papimanie, if + I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. Avaunt, avaunt! Will you not be gone? + May you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never + piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE THIRD BOOK. +</h2> +<a name="2HCH0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.I.—How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported + thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides + the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of + all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which + otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere + desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the + excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia multiplied, for + number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land. You understand well + enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian + men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the Utopian women carried + matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so + architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven + children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every + married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony + (Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted. Nor yet was this transplantation made + so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or + commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people + within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his + ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never + knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and + who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were + entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses, + sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which + they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing + surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this + singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince, + whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed. +</p> +<p> + And not only should they, and their children successively descending from + their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty + and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire; + which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his + intent. For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither + dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days conversing + with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by + virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures + at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight: solemnly + attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry + that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the + good Pantagruel. +</p> +<p> + Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and + retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the + erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and + dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, + disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them + in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after + the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is + to say, a devourer of his people. +</p> +<p> + I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers. It + shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof, + and yourselves too, if you be not very babes. Newborn, they must be given + suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. Trees newly planted must be + supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests, + mischiefs, injuries, and calamities. And one lately saved from a long and + dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, and + cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts this + opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does not + desire fewer enemies and more friends. Thus Osiris, the great king of the + Egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of arms + as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live well, + and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible + affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. Therefore was he by all + men deservedly entitled the Great King Euergetes, that is to say, + Benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of Jupiter to + (one) Pamyla. +</p> +<p> + And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them + angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt the + gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to + men. And for that through their hands the riches and benefits we get from + heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and + still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the offices of + kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most singularly + royal. +</p> +<p> + Just such another was the emperor of the universe, Alexander the + Macedonian. After this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor of the + whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and + tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and + justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws, + convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the + country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and + pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all + preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the Athenians, when by the + prowess, valour, and industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were + exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the + Emperor Aurelian. These are the philtres, allurements, iynges, + inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that + may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired. Nor can a + conqueror reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king, + prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour. + His valour shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear + in the goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws, + publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to + everyone, as the noble poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus: +</p> +<pre> + Victorque volentes + Per populos dat jura. +</pre> +<p> + Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good prince and great + king Kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people. +</p> +<p> + Such was the consideration of Numa Pompilius, the second king of the + Romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to + god Terminus, on the day of his festival called Terminales, nothing should + be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits, + and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, amity, + and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery. Who doth + otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with + this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked purchaser, and + his acquests perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur. + And although during his whole lifetime he should have peaceable possession + thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the hands of his + heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will be charged upon the + defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable + conquest; Juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres. +</p> +<p> + Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy + of your observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one angel made two, + which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of Charlemagne, who made + two devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the + Flemings into Saxony. For, not being able to keep in such subjection the + Saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon + they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn + into Spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his + own country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him, + and transported the Hainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving subjects, + into Saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted + into a strange land. But it happened that the Saxons persisted in their + rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the Flemings dwelling in Saxony did + imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the Saxons. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.II.—How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his revenue before it came in. +</h2> +<p> + Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, he + assigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth + 6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the + locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of + 435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. Sometimes it did amount to + 1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and + periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year. +</p> +<p> + Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently + well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and + dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for + three whole years. Yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might + say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of + colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the + dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations, + keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, + young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for the + sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling cheap, + and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass. +</p> +<p> + Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no + way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again + tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a + sword to his side. He took all things in good part, and interpreted every + action to the best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the + least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have + most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his + mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion + whatsoever. For all the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth + containeth, in all their dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length, + are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our + affections, trouble or perplex our senses or spirits. +</p> +<p> + He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance + and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong + arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of + living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether + impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him + rich. Rich! answered Panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there? Have + you undertaken the task to enrich me in this world? Set your mind to live + merrily, in the name of God and good folks; let no other cark nor care be + harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain. May + the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or + overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing + annoyance! For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, I cannot be + but rich enough. Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry. + But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that + virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. It is by me that they + must be advised. From me, therefore, take this advertisement and + information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in + imitation of the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to + be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and + all manner of justice. Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, + and doth not firmly believe it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, + or the revenue of the bishopric—is it not all one?—for a whole year, yea, + sometimes for two. This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is + installed. Nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it, + unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony. +</p> +<p> + It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four + cardinal virtues. Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none + knows what may fall out. Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet + three years? But although it should continue longer, is there any man so + foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years? +</p> +<pre> + What fool so confident to say, + That he shall live one other day? +</pre> +<p> + Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling + goods cheap, that is, for ready money. What says Cato in his Book of + Husbandry to this purpose? The father of a family, says he, must be a + perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall + become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for sale. +</p> +<p> + Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good + —remark, good—and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like + Ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance; + and likewise to the good—remark, the good—and young wenches. For, + according to the sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, + chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. + Which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the + pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian, + that they do acknowledge their being born into this world not to be for + themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their acquaintance may + claim one share, and their friends another. +</p> +<p> + The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and + overthrowing of the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the + dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to + wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners, + and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking + places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of + false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even and level + with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of + the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately timber, + and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the dreadful day of + judgment. +</p> +<p> + I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but + grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising + myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of their + sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of + the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches. +</p> +<p> + In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain + money,—of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without + water,—of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,—of + threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our + gardens, by the authority of Thestilis in Virgil,—and of the millers, who + are generally thieves,—and of the bakers, who are little better. Is this + small saving or frugality? Besides the mischief and damage of the + field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction usually made by + weasels and other vermin. +</p> +<p> + Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction + and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal + spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, + comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, + striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the + blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the + spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the + back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens + the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth + the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member. It will make you + have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, + spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, + with a thousand other rare advantages. I understand you very well, says + Pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit and shallow + capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time. You are not the + first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered. Nero maintained it, and + above all mortals admired most his uncle Caius Caligula, for having in a + few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant invention, totally spent all the + goods and patrimony which Tiberius had left him. +</p> +<p> + But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans + —to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia, + the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians—by the which they were + inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year + than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation + of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal + lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, + and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without reserving anything + for the next day. I may very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius, + who after that he had by a most extravagant expense wasted all the means + and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly set it on fire, that he + might the better say, Consummatum est. Even just as since his time St. + Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole lamprey, although there + was no necessity in it. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.III.—How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers. +</h2> +<p> + But, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of debt? At the next ensuing + term of the Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all the world shall be + content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir. The Lord forbid + that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted. Who + leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning. +</p> +<p> + Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always + to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a + blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal crossly + with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you, + he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon purchase + new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you may make a + shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folk's earth fill + up his ditch. When of old, in the region of the Gauls, by the institution + of the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt quick at the + funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not they fear + enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die? For, perforce, + they were to die with them for company. Did not they incessantly send up + their supplications to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto Dis, the + father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve them long in + health? Were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to + look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly? For by + those means were they to live together at least until the hour of death. + Believe me, your creditors with a more fervent devotion will beseech + Almighty God to prolong your life, they being of nothing more afraid than + that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the sleeve than + the arm, and love silver better than their own lives. As it evidently + appeareth by the usurers of Landerousse, who not long since hanged + themselves because the price of the corn and wines was fallen by the return + of a gracious season. To this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge went + on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in good sooth, sir, when I ponder my + destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my plunges, + and have me at a bay in twitting me with the reproach of my debts and + creditors. And yet did I, in this only respect and consideration of being + a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and formidable. For against + the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet, + without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First + Matter, did I out of nothing become such (a) maker and creator, that I have + created—what?—a gay number of fair and jolly creditors. Nay, creditors, + I will maintain it, even to the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and + goodly creatures. Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and + an accursed imp of the infernal Old Nick. And there is made—what? Debts. + A thing most precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity. Debts, I + say, surmounting the number of syllables which may result from the + combinations of all the consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore + projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble Xenocrates. To judge of + the perfection of debtors by the numerosity of their creditors is the + readiest way for entering into the mysteries of practical arithmetic. +</p> +<p> + You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every morning I perceive myself + environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors—humble, fawning, and + full of their reverences. And whilst I remark that, as I look more + favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another, + the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first + despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my + smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that I then act and + personate the god of the passion of Saumure, accompanied with his angels + and cherubims. +</p> +<p> + These are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my + parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators; + which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue + described by Hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein I held the first + degree in my commencement. Which dignity, though all human creatures seem + to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties + in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to reach it, as is + easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in + the breast of everyone to be still creating more debts and new creditors. +</p> +<p> + Yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor. To acquire + creditors is not at the disposure of each man's arbitrament. You + nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity. You ask me when I + will be out of debt. Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in + your conceit, may Saint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have not + all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens + with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept + together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, I say, the whole progeny + of Adam would very suddenly perish without it. Therefore, perhaps, I do + not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great soul of the universe, + which, according to the opinion of the Academics, vivifieth all manner of + things. In confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be + so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear + and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, if + you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the philosopher + Metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no debtor + or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts. +</p> +<p> + There amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in + disorder. Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn, + will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain + will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes, + devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements. Saturn, no doubt, + combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of + confusion. +</p> +<p> + Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would + scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the + Etrurian tongue. For it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to + them. +</p> +<p> + Venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing. The + moon will remain bloody and obscure. For to what end should the sun impart + unto her any of his light? He owed her nothing. Nor yet will the sun + shine upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because + the terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted + nourishment by vapours and exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said, the + Stoics proved, Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented. There + would likewise be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration, + nor transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself + obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earth + then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air will + be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earth + will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; no rain will descend + upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will there + be in it any summer or harvest. Lucifer will break loose, and issuing + forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, and horned + devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as + well of the greater as of the lesser nations. Such a world without lending + will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention and wrangling, + more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of Paris; a devil of an + hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the plagues of + Douay. Men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost labour to + expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none + will put to their helping hand. Why? He lent no money, there is nothing + due to him. Nobody is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his + ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and + would never thereafter have lent anything. In short, Faith, Hope, and + Charity would be quite banished from such a world—for men are born to + relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be + introduced Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the most execrable troop of + all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries. Whereupon you will think, + and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle. Men + unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins (as were Lycaon, + Bellerophon, Nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway robbers, cutthroats, + rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent, + pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Metabus, or + Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named Misanthropos, in such + sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to have fish entertained + in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to support or + tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will not lend. These fellows, I + vow, do I hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to the pattern of + this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which lendeth nothing, you + figure and liken the little world, which is man, you will find in him a + terrible justling coil and clutter. The head will not lend the sight of + his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will refuse to bear up the + body; the hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the + members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion for the beating of + the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the lungs will withdraw + the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from convoying any more + blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the bladder will not be + indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will be totally stopped. + The brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall + into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling from the sinews and motion + from the muscles. Briefly, in such a world without order and array, owing + nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more + dangerous conspiration than that which Aesop exposed in his Apologue. Such + a world will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, but perish very + quickly. Were it Aesculapius himself, his body would immediately rot, and + the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its flight to all the devils of + hell after my money. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.IV.—Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders. +</h2> +<p> + On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world, + wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all + creditors. O how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result + from the regular motions of the heavens! Methinks I hear it every whit as + well as ever Plato did. What sympathy will there be amongst the elements! + O how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions! + Whilst Ceres appeareth laden with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora with + flowers, Pomona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and + pleasant. I lose myself in this high contemplation. +</p> +<p> + Then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, + tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver, + single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be + found to trot from hand to hand. No suits at law, no wars, no strife, + debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a + pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser. Good + God! Will not this be the golden age in the reign of Saturn? the true idea + of the Olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone + ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth? All will be fair and + goodly people there, all just and virtuous. +</p> +<p> + O happy world! O people of that world most happy! Yea, thrice and four + times blessed is that people! I think in very deed that I am amongst them, + and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid + world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the + association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should + be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous, + wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and + wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Britany, St. Yves + only excepted. Consider, sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a + mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of William + Josseaulme, said no more but this, And he did lend his goods to those who + were desirous of them. +</p> +<p> + O the fine saying! Now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model + in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, + according to its own nature. For nature hath not to any other end created + man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the + heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered policy. + The intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul therein + to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its host, (that) + it may live there for a while. Life consisteth in blood, blood is the seat + of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the microcosm is, to be making + blood continually. +</p> +<p> + At this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted + from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office. And such is + their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one + lends the other, and the one is the other's debtor. The stuff and matter + convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread and wine. + All kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended in these + two, and from hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage. To find out + this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to work, the + feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; the eyes + guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, by means + of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, which is transmitted + thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the food. The tongue doth + make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do chew it, and the stomach + doth receive, digest, and chylify it. The mesaraic veins suck out of it + what is good and fit, leaving behind the excrements, which are, through + special conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive faculty. + Thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it being changed again, it by + the virtue of that new transmutation becomes blood. What joy, conjecture + you, will then be found amongst those officers when they see this rivulet + of gold, which is their sole restorative? No greater is the joy of + alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and expense they see in their + furnaces the transmutation. Then is it that every member doth prepare + itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine this treasure. The kidneys + through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity from thence which you call + urine, and there send it away through the ureters to be slipped downwards; + where, in a lower receptacle, and proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is + kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due + time. The spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the + grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereof, which you + term melancholy. The bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the + superfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or work-house to + be yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, which by its + agitation of diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtilizeth and + inflames it, that in the right side ventricle it is brought to perfection, + and through the veins is sent to all the members. Each parcel of the body + draws it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is cherished and + alimented by it. Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea, + all; and then it is, that who before were lenders, now become debtors. The + heart doth in its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it + thereby obtains the name of spiritual; which being sent through the + arteries to all the members of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the + other blood which runneth through the veins. The lights never cease with + its lappets and bellows to cool and refresh it, in acknowledgment of which + good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of + its blood. At last it is made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile, + that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by + means whereof the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution, + deliberation, ratiocination, and memory have their rise, actings, and + operations. +</p> +<p> + Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out of + myself when I enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of this + world, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, it is a divine thing to + lend,—to owe, an heroic virtue. Yet is not this all. This little world + thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no + sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith + projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are + not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to eternize itself, + and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children. To this end + every member doth of the choicest and most precious of its nourishment pare + and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth it downwards to that + place where nature hath prepared for it very fit vessels and receptacles, + through which descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and + flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, and rooms apt enough both in + man and woman for the future conservation and perpetuating of human kind. + All this is done by loans and debts of the one unto the other; and hence + have we this word, the debt of marriage. Nature doth reckon pain to the + refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his members and an outrageous + fury amidst his senses. But, on the other part, to the lender a set + reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.V.—How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers. +</h2> +<p> + I understand you very well, quoth Pantagruel, and take you to be very good + at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause. But preach it up, + and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even + from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end + you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all + upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter + never so little into the thraldom of debt. You shall owe to none, saith + the holy Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual benevolence. +</p> +<p> + You serve me here, I confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes, + descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well. But let me tell + you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully and + an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already + advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens + will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and + fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in + the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philosopher found + it within the city of Ephesus. And I am fully confirmed in the opinion, + that the Persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to lie, + the first being that of owing money. For, in very truth, debts and lying + are ordinarily joined together. I will nevertheless not from hence infer + that none must owe anything or lend anything. For who so rich can be that + sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not lend? +</p> +<p> + Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as Plato very wisely + sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw + any water out of his neighbour's well until first they by continual digging + and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a kind of + potter's earth, which is called ceramite, and there had found no source or + drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which is + fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not + easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation. +</p> +<p> + In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing + in all places from everyone, than to work and win. Then only in my + judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious + person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself, + or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected + loss of his goods. +</p> +<p> + Howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang + upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them. I make account for the time past + to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you. The + least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be + the most I can do. And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated + and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done + infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own + accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the + reach of any price or value. It transcends all weight, all number, all + measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should I offer to + commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own + noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the + obliged receivers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly. You + have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on me + more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition. You have been + more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your courtesies have by + far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it. But it is + not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter. For there it is not where I + itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for, + henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will I be able to + keep? You may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month, + because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it. I am + very much afraid of it. Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native + of the country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose. + All the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their postern + petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quittes, that is, For the + quit. My life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it. I + recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive I will die + confected in the very stench of farts. If, at any time to come, by way of + restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the + grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing + effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present + remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small modicum, + it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of bumshot, like + a sal of muskets. +</p> +<p> + Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as + King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the Reverend Miles + d'Illiers, Bishop of Chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly + solicited to leave him some few for the exercise of his mind. I had rather + give them all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other + incomes of the locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated + from off the principal sums which I owe. Let us waive this matter, quoth + Pantagruel, I have told it you over again. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.VI.—Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars. +</h2> +<p> + But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted, + ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those + that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted + and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year? By the law, + answered Pantagruel, of Moses. Why, replied Panurge, the lately married? + As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my + condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care + of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine. Nor are these + pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of + Life. It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my + architecture, to wit, men. It was, according to my opinion, quoth + Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the + first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their + mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at + leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny, + they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs. + That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of + some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms + might continue with their children in the same families. And next, that, + the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful—for + one year's trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they + married, was held sufficient for the discovery—they might pitch the more + suitably, in case of their first husband's decease, upon a second match. + The fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue; + and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of + their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel + behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial + conveniences and comforts, and such like. The preachers of Varennes, saith + Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and + dishonest. +</p> +<p> + Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel. A plague take such preachers! + Yea but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer, + who, in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein + abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds + of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil + in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly + undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the + simple drudgery of one widow. Truly I find your reason in that point right + good and strongly grounded. +</p> +<p> + But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was + granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the + said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as + both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and + evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether + feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such + sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and + ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company + of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern + Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps? + Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they will so much + as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have + been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart + Venus. +</p> +<p> + In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity, + we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of + some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit + their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a + little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh + supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the + duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater + part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to. +</p> +<p> + Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not cashier + us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for our + refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his + own. My grandfather's godmother was wont to say to me when I was a boy,— +</p> +<pre> + Patenostres et oraisons + Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent. + Ung fiffre en fenaisons + Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent. + + Not orisons nor patenotres + Shall ever disorder my brain. + One cadet, to the field as he flutters, + Is worth two, when they end the campaign. +</pre> +<p> + That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did + seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the + first year was wholly elapsed. During all which time also the builders did + hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying + suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly + remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing. Under favour, + sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly + very ratiocinant. Be not offended, I pray you. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.VII.—How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent codpiece. +</h2> +<p> + Panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the Jewish + fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of + workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea; + and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the flea + was black. O, what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of + a matter, to be thoroughly well informed! The sum of the expense hereof, + being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his council-board carpet, was + found to amount to no more quarterly than the charge of the nuptials of a + Hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, 600,000 maravedis. At these + vast costs and excessive disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to + be out of debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use + to do, he nourished and fed her with the sweat and blood of his subjects + and clients. +</p> +<p> + He then took four French ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein + apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched + gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles + to his cap. In this equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel; to + whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before, + see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of + hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the + waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would + raise up against him. Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery, + asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that + new-fangled prosopopoeia. I have, answered Panurge, a flea in mine ear, + and have a mind to marry. In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you have told + me joyful tidings. Yet would not I hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all + the gladness of them. But it is not the fashion of lovers to be accoutred + in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging down over + their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark brown mingled + hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian garments amongst any persons + of honour, quality, or virtue. If some heretical persons and schismatical + sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and clothed (though + many have imputed such a kind of dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and + an affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds of the rude multitude), I + will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or + sinistrously of them. Everyone overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense + and fancy; yea, in things of a foreign consideration, altogether + extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither + commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the interior of the + thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all good and evil; of goodness, if + it be upright, and that its affections be regulated by the pure and clean + spirit of righteousness; and, on the other side, of wickedness, if its + inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and + depraved by the malice and suggestions of the devil. It is only the + novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, together with the + contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in use. +</p> +<p> + The colour, answered Panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that + of my council-board carpet; therefore will I henceforth hold me with it, + and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to + my affairs and business. Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw + man more unpleasing than I will be, if God help me not. Lo, here be my + spectacles. To see me afar off, you would readily say that it were Friar + (John) Burgess. I believe certainly that in the next ensuing year I shall + once more preach the Crusade. Bounce, buckram. Do you see this russet? + Doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue + known to very few in the world. I did not take it on before this morning, + and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and + vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; I itch, I tingle, I + wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of + cudgel-blows, I may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a + bull-horned devil. O the provident and thrifty husband that I then will + be! After my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will + they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes + thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly + wary and complete householder. Cops body, this is not the carpet whereon + my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by + setting down an X for a V, or an L for an S. For in that case should I + make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face. Look upon me, sir, both + before and behind,—it is made after the manner of a toga, which was the + ancient fashion of the Romans in time of peace. I took the mode, shape, + and form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant Arch + of Septimus Severus. I am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats, + cassocks, and hoquetons. My shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with + the carrying of harness. Let armour cease, and the long robe bear sway! + At least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding year, if I be + married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you evidenced. In what + concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, that + the breeches were only ordained for the use of the codpiece, and to no + other end; which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, give credit to + every whit, as well as to the saying of the fine fellow Galen, who in his + ninth book, Of the Use and Employment of our Members, allegeth that the + head was made for the eyes. For nature might have placed our heads in our + knees or elbows, but having beforehand determined that the eyes should + serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to + execute their designed office, fixed them in the head, as on the top of a + long pole, in the most eminent part of all the body—no otherwise than we + see the phares, or high towers erected in the mouths of havens, that + navigators may the further off perceive with ease the lights of the nightly + fires and lanterns. And because I would gladly, for some short while, a + year at least, take a little rest and breathing time from the toilsome + labour of the military profession, that is to say, be married, I have + desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, and consequently have laid aside + my breeches. For the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece of + armour that a warrior doth carry; and therefore do I maintain even to the + fire (exclusively, understand you me), that no Turks can properly be said + to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their law forbidden to be + worn. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.VIII.—Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors. +</h2> +<a name="image-0005"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-08-240.jpg" height="899" width="572" +alt="Panurge Seeks the Advice of Pantagruel--3-08-240 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Will you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece + of a military harness? It is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for + we say, At spurs begins the arming of a man. Sir, I maintain it, answered + Panurge, and not wrongfully do I maintain it. Behold how nature, having a + fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs, + sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all + succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although the + individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most + curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein + the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering, + guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks, + cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, ears, + rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead of + strong, fair, and natural codpieces. As is manifestly apparent in pease, + beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons, + corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as likewise in all + plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently + seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, overshadowed, + corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or + parcel of the whole. +</p> +<p> + Nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the + sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man + naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and + that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the + golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not + war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and + title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables, + as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of + beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects. Yet afterwards it happening + in the time of the iron age, under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the + multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take + root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth + began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other + stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man. Nor scarce was + there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him, + and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer, + nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of obedience, + but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt + and harm they could. The man, then, that he might maintain his primitive + right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion over all, both + vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth that he could not + be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude and subjection of + several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he must needs put on + arms, and make provision of harness against wars and violence. By the holy + Saint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last + rain, a great lifrelofre,—philosopher, I should say. Take notice, sir, + quoth Panurge, when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own arming, what + part of the body it was, where, by her inspiration, he clapped on the first + harness. It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little dog the ballock + and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando—which done, he was content, and + sought no more. This is certified by the testimony of the great Hebrew + captain (and) philosopher Moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member + with a brave and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right + curious devices of a notably pregnant invention made up and composed of + fig-tree leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory + notches, curled frizzling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together + with their colour, smell, virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and + fit for the covering and arming of the satchels of generation—the + hideously big Lorraine cullions being from thence only excepted, which, + swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for + being quite out of all order and method, the stately fashion of the high + and lofty codpiece; as is manifest by the noble Valentine Viardiere, whom I + found at Nancy, on the first day of May—the more flauntingly to + gallantrize it afterwards—rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table + after the manner of a Spanish cloak. Wherefore it is, that none should + henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin + hieth to the wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the + skull, but, Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the + testicles. By the whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head + being cut off, that single person only thereby dieth. But, if the ballocks + be marred, the whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost + for ever. +</p> +<p> + This was the motive which incited the goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De + Spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a less + evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of genitories; for + there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a secessive repository + and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source of the whole + offspring of mankind. Therefore would I be apt to believe, for less than a + hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by means whereof + Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling with men and + women the world, which a little before that had been drowned in the + overflowing waves of a poetical deluge. This stirred up the valiant + Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in + Braguibus, et Braguetis. For this and other causes, the Lord Humphrey de + Merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he + was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old + rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years + since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his + lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very + maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and + packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body + than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it + with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her + otherwise utterly unprofitable. On this lady were penned these subsequent + verses, which are extant in the third book of the Shitbrana of Paltry + Wenches. +</p> +<pre> + When Yoland saw her spouse equipp'd for fight, + And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight, + My dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest + Is that exposed, you know I love the best? + Was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,— + Or rather pious, conscionable care? + Wise lady, she! In hurlyburly fight, + Can any tell where random blows may light? +</pre> +<p> + Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new + manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.IX.—How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or no. +</h2> +<p> + To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he + had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his + heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the + design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all + the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. I + humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne + me, to give me your best advice therein. Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing + you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is + fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but + forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved? Yea but, quoth + Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had + thereto. It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it. + Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much + better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new + hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not + to marry. Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry. Yea but, quoth Panurge, + would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life, + without the comfort of a matrimonial consort? You know it is written, Vae + soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is + found with married folks. Then marry, in the name of God, quoth + Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold—as it + is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the + production of that kind of cattle—I would fly out, and grow impatient + beyond all measure and mean. I love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem + unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do very willingly + frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would not be one of + their number. That is a point for me of a too sore prickling point. Then + do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence + of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others + will do the like to thee. Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that without all + exception? Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all exception. Ho, ho, + says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in + this world or in the other which is to come. Yet seeing I can no more want + a wife than a blind man his staff—(for) the funnel must be in agitation, + without which manner of occupation I cannot live—were it not a great deal + better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and + virtuous woman, than as I do, by a new change of females every day, run a + hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not + of both together. For never—be it spoken by their husbands' leave and + favour—had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman. Marry then, in God's name, + quoth Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and that + my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat + me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of + Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged + dealings. For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have + ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family + lacketh not for good vinegar. Yet in that case should it go worse with me, + if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly + bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and + milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so + after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait + at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul. I could make a shift for + this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay + aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it. +</p> +<p> + Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. Yea but, quoth Panurge, + considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark + what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on the + score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being + quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards + me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. And if by + some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very waywardly. The + wise man saith, Where there is no woman—I mean the mother of a family and + wife in the union of a lawful wedlock—the crazy and diseased are in danger + of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by + clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates, + cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure + yourself, you shall not find me. Marry then, in the name of God, answered + Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through + that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is + incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping + sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and + prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not + help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make + sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is + worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes + befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly, + to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate + reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel. Yea but, said + Panurge, I shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and + daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and + arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my inheritances and + purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some + one or other of these mornings I will make a fair and goodly show), that so + I may cheer up and make merry when otherwise I should be plunged into a + peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the + gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as + all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses. + For being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret + and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so + just, I am afraid, instead of consolation, that I should meet with nothing + else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune. Marry + then, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.X.—How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homeric and Virgilian lotteries. +</h2> +<p> + Your counsel, quoth Panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth unto + me not unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay. It is full of sarcasms, + mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and + contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other. I know not, + quoth Pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for your + proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground nothing on them, + nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to what is + demanded by them. Are not you assured within yourself of what you have a + mind to? The chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there. All + the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal disposition + of the heavens. +</p> +<p> + We see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their + family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, or + representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be + so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of devils + which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of Thebais and Montserrat + are not more miserable than they. It is therefore expedient, seeing you + are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, that, with + shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business + to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the success of the + residue to the disposure of Almighty God. It lieth not in my power to give + you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to certify you of what + shall ensue on this your undertaking. Nevertheless, if it please you, this + you may do. Bring hither Virgil's poems, that after having opened the + book, and with our fingers severed the leaves thereof three several times, + we may, according to the number agreed upon betwixt ourselves, explore the + future hap of your intended marriage. For frequently by a Homeric lottery + have many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in the person of + Socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this + verse of Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of the Iliads— +</p> +<pre> + Emati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen, + + We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came— +</pre> +<p> + thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die. Of the + truth whereof he assured Aeschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in Primo, + de Divinatione, Diogenes Laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in + their works. The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, to whom, + being desirous to know if he should be the Roman emperor, befell, by chance + of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of the Iliads— +</p> +<pre> + O geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai, + Ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei. + + Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone. + Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down. +</pre> +<p> + In fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the + sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by + Heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof, + thrust out of all, and killed. Brutus doth also bear witness of another + experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by + lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the Pharsalian battle + wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of + Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads— +</p> +<pre> + Alla me moir oloe, kai Letous ektanen uios. + + Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead. +</pre> +<p> + And accordingly Apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that + fight. Divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known + by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than + the obtaining of the Roman empire, as it happened to Alexander Severus, + who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this + verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento. + + Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign. +</pre> +<p> + He, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest + created and installed Roman emperor. A semblable story thereto is related + of Adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing + humour to know in what account he was with the Emperor Trajan, and how + large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had + recourse, after the manner above specified, to the Maronian lottery, which + by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae + Sacra ferens? Nosco crines incanaque menta + Regis Romani. + + But who is he, conspicuous from afar, + With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear? + By the white hair and beard I know him plain, + The Roman king. +</pre> +<p> + Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the + empire. Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy Emperor Claudius befell + this line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas. + + Whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king + In Latium. +</pre> +<p> + And in effect he did not reign above two years. To the said Claudian also, + inquiring concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a + colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in + the Sixth of the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata. + + Whom Fate let us see, + And would no longer suffer him to be. +</pre> +<p> + And it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had + attained unto the management of the imperial charge. The very same lot, + also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger. + To Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his + future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the Sixth of + the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu + Sistet Eques, &c. + + The Romans, boiling with tumultuous rage, + This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage: + With victories he the Carthaginian mauls, + And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls. +</pre> +<p> + Likewise, when the Emperor D. Claudius, Aurelian's predecessor, did with + great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his hap + was to alight on this verse in the First of the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. + + No bounds are to be set, no limits here. +</pre> +<p> + Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race. When Mr. + Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape the + ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell upon + this verse in the Third of the Aeneids— +</p> +<pre> + Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum! + + Oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! +</pre> +<p> + Which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these + ambuscades. +</p> +<p> + Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like + adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have by + that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious researchers of + them. Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I + would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an uncontrollable and + not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XI.—How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the throwing of dice to be unlawful. +</h2> +<p> + It would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, and more expeditely, if we should + try the matter at the chance of three fair dice. Quoth Pantagruel, That + sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly + scandalous. Never trust in it. The accursed book of the Recreation of + Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia, near Bourre, by that + ancient enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue + or massive image of the Bourraic Hercules, did of old, and doth in several + places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into his + snares. You know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his + kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts + thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and cast it + out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any + well-polished state or commonwealth. What I have told you of dice, I say + the same of the play at cockall. It is a lottery of the like guile and + deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in + opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate cast + of Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at the oracle of Gerion. These + are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto him the + foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition. +</p> +<p> + Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, I am content you + throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the + blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that + page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon. +</p> +<p> + Have you any dice in your pocket? A whole bagful, answered Panurge. That + is provision against the devil, as is expounded by Merlin Coccaius, Lib. + 2. De Patria Diabolorum. The devil would be sure to take me napping, and + very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice. With this, the + three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon the + lower points that the cast was five, six, and five. These are, quoth + Panurge, sixteen in all. Let us take the sixteenth line of the page. The + number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy + chance. May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great + bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a + battalion of foot, in case so many times I do not boult my future wife the + first night of our marriage! Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all, + quoth Pantagruel. You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid + imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small a + business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you know + is usually at tennis called fifteen. At the next justling turn you may + readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen. Is it + so, quoth Panurge, that you understand the matter? And must my words be + thus interpreted? Nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed by + that valiant champion who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood sentry at + the hypogastrian cranny. Did you ever hitherto find me in the + confraternity of the faulty? Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for + ever and a day. I do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor, + without default. And therein am I willing to be judged by the players. He + had no sooner spoke these words than the works of Virgil were brought in. + But before the book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My heart, + like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast. Be pleased + to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. At its + frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after + the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the + examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty of a + graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the Sorbonists. +</p> +<p> + But would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that we + should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddesses who in the chamber of + lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway? + Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the + book with your fingers, and set your nails awork. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XII.—How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge shall have in his marriage. +</h2> +<p> + Then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the + disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this following verse: +</p> +<pre> + Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est. + + The god him from his table banished, + Nor would the goddess have him in her bed. +</pre> +<p> + This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or + advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a + strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold. The goddess, whom you + shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most + redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an + enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and + adulterers. The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from + heaven. And withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of + the ancient Etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls + or slinging casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her + and to Jupiter her father capital. This was verified in the conflagration + of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any + other of the Olympic gods. Men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them. + Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the + profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised + the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at + first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, who + were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare with + their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill Pelion + set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount Olympus was made shake to be erected + on the top of both, then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, or general + convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and condescended to by + all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their + defence. And because they had often seen battles lost by the cumbersome + lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly huddled in amongst + armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that they should expel and + drive out of heaven into Egypt and the confines of Nile that whole crew of + goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice, + ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd transformations; only Minerva + was reserved to participate with Jupiter in the horrific fulminating power, + as being the goddess both of war and learning, of arts and arms, of counsel + and despatch—a goddess armed from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, + in the air, by sea and land. By the belly of Saint Buff, quoth Panurge, + should I be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons? Nay, I am neither a cripple, + coiner of false money, nor smith, as he was. My wife possibly will be as + comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I + a cuckold like him. The crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be + declared a cuckold by a definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of + all the gods. For this cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned + verse quite contrary to what you have said. This lot importeth that my + wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed, + surly, wayward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted + out of the brains, as was the goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly + Jupiter be my co-rival. He shall never dip his bread in my broth, though + we should sit together at one table. +</p> +<p> + Consider his exploits and gallant actions. He was the manifest ruffian, + wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed. + He did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by + a sow in the Isle of Candia, if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar, + and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by + others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the Amalthaean goat. + By the virtue of Acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day + the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that + was Europa. For this grand subagitatory achievement the Ammonians caused + draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming, + and horned ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve myself + from that horned champion. He will not, trust me, have to deal in my + person with a sottish, dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless Argus, + for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock Acrisius, + the simple goose-cap Lycus of Thebes, the doting blockhead Agenor, the + phlegmatic pea-goose Aesop, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish misshapen + Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined Atlas. Let + him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred + various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower of gold, + or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister Juno; into an + eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin Phthia, who + then dwelt in the Aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, even into a + flea; into Epicurean and Democratical atoms, or, more + Magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in + the schools are called second notions,—I'll catch him in the nick, and + take him napping. And would you know what I would do unto him? Even that + which to his father Coelum Saturn did—Seneca foretold it of me, and + Lactantius hath confirmed it—what the goddess Rhea did to Athis. I would + make him two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cymbals, and cut so + close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereof so much + as one—, so cleanly would I shave him, and disable him for ever from being + Pope, for Testiculos non habet. Hold there, said Pantagruel; ho, soft and + fair, my lad! Enough of that,—cast up, turn over the leaves, and try your + fortune for the second time. Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse: +</p> +<pre> + Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis. + + His joints and members quake, he becomes pale, + And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal. +</pre> +<p> + This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and + belly. Clean and quite contrary, answered Panurge; it is of me that he + prognosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a tiger if she vex me. + Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel, + the devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Candaul the Lydian + king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured. +</p> +<p> + You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and courageous; Hercules himself durst + hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury. Nor is it + strange; for the Jan is worth two, and two in fight against Hercules are + too too strong. Am I a Jan? quoth Panurge. No, no, answered Pantagruel. + My mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. Thereafter did he + hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse: +</p> +<pre> + Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore. + + After the spoil and pillage, as in fire, + He burnt with a strong feminine desire. +</pre> +<p> + This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob + you. Hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future + destiny, I clearly see it,—you will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and + you will be robbed. Nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth Panurge; for it is + certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect + liking. Nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when he + affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes + pleasure to steal from her sweetheart. And what, I pray you? A glove, a + point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a + gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof. In like manner, + these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which + frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt a + couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative diversions + for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more fervent amity than + ever. As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with hammers maul their + finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron tools the better. And + therefore do I think that these three lots make much for my advantage; + which, if not, I from their sentence totally appeal. There is no + appellation, quoth Pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot + or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult. + Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a + superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of her substitutes. + And in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in full, as + openly by the said author is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, paragr. ult. ff. de + minor. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XIII.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams. +</h2> +<p> + Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or + interpreting the sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our course + another way, and try a new sort of divination. Of what kind? asked + Panurge. Of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered Pantagruel; it + is by dreams. For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being + thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib. + Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle, + Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber, + Theocritus, Pliny, Athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee + what is to come. How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and + familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes, + well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and + profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and + are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem + most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on + the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary. Even just so, + when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished, + and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to + disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its + native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable + participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine + source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere, + whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the + universal world, to wit, God, according to the doctrine of Hermes + Trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past + escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only + what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of sublunary + matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a relation + of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and exterior + organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others. Whereupon the + owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or prophet. + Nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those + things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the + imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the + effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto + this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so much + splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her. Hence + it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of these + somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a dexterous, + learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory + expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is + called onirocrit, or oniropolist. For this cause Heraclitus was wont to + say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by dreams + concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical signification + and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own prosperous or + unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success of another. + The sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane histories assure us of + it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of + strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the + dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others. The Atlantic + people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of Thasos, one of the Cyclades, + are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries none yet ever + dreamed. Of this sort (were) Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, and in our days + the learned Frenchman Villanovanus, neither of all which knew what dreaming + was. +</p> +<p> + Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosy + fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable + shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping + sound, and thereto apply yourself. In the meanwhile you must denude your + mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, fear + and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and renowned + prophet Proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation into fire, + water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and visors, to + presage anything that was to come till he was restored to his own first + natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his reception of the art + of divination and faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in + him which is the most divine, to wit, the Nous, or Mens, must be calm, + peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted + with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations. I am content, quoth Panurge. + But, I pray you, sir, must I this evening, ere I go to bed, eat much or + little? I do not ask this without cause. For if I sup not well, large, + round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked turnip. All the night + long I then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering fits talk idle + nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as deep in their + dumps as is my belly hollow. +</p> +<p> + Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state + of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body. A certain very + ancient prophet, named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to + be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals, + and to abstain from wine three days together. Yet shall not you be put to + such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet. I am truly right + apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and + in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of + spiritual things; yet am not I of the opinion of those who, after long and + pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into + the speculation of celestial mysteries. You may very well remember how my + father Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) hath often told us that + the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every + whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when they + did compose them. It is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be in a + good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but a + kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the physicians + jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring from, and + have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, refined and + purified to the life within the admirable net which, wonderfully framed, + lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain. He gave us also the + example of the philosopher who, when he thought most seriously to have + withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the rustling + clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to improve + his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his + uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded + and environed about so with the barking of curs, bawling of mastiffs, + bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of jackdaws, grunting of + swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of cats, cheeping of + mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling + of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, chattering of jays, + peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirping of + swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees, + rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of ravens, screeching of + owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, grumbling of + cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of quails, chirping of + sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, wheening of whelps, + buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, humming + of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, sussing of kitlings, + clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of buffaloes, warbling + of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of turkeys, coniating of + storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of magpies, murmuring of + stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of + beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, rantling of rats, + guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of pelicans, quacking of + ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing of horses, crying of + elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, that he was much + more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the crowd at the fair of + Fontenay or Niort. Just so is it with those who are tormented with the + grievous pangs of hunger. The stomach begins to gnaw, and bark, as it were, + the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some refection to + themselves from the proper substance of all the members of a fleshy + consistence, violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming spirit, + careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural host, which is the body; as + when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring aloft in + the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn back by a leash tied to her + feet. +</p> +<p> + To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of Homer, the + father of all philosophy, who said that the Grecians did not put an end to + their mournful mood for the death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend of + Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies + protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief. For from bodies + emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of + moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion. +</p> +<p> + Mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to abandon + it. You may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of a hare, + nor of any other flesh. You are likewise to abstain from beans, from the + preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, and all + other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your + brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal spirits. + For, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or representation of + the object set before it, and exposed to have its image to the life + expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be darkened by gross + breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, infectious exhalations, even + so the fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those + things which divination doth afford by dreams, if any way the body be + annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam of meat which it had taken in a + while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual + sympathy and fellow-feeling of an indissolubly knit affection. You shall + eat good Eusebian and Bergamot pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin + kind, a parcel of the little plums of Tours, and some few cherries of the + growth of my orchard. Nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue + doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by + some peripatetic philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do + more copiously in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other + time. The same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets, + who allege that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under + the leaves which are spread on the ground—by reason that the leaves fall + from the trees in the autumnal quarter. For the natural fervour which, + abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its + ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the dreaming + person—the experiment is obvious in most—is a pretty while before it be + expired, dissolved, and evanished. As for your drink, you are to have it + of the fair, pure water of my fountain. +</p> +<p> + The condition, quoth Panurge, is very hard. Nevertheless, cost what price + it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto; + protesting that I shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my somniatory + exercitations. Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer's two gates, to + Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. If they in this my + great need succour me and grant me that assistance which is fitting, I will + in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed of the softest + down. If I were now in Laconia, in the temple of Juno, betwixt Oetile and + Thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me of my + doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial dreams in a deep sleep. +</p> +<p> + Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel: Sir, were it not expedient for my + purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and + bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean? There is + no need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing + very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us + in the writings of Serapion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon, + and Fulgentius Planciades. I could say as much to you of the left shoulder + of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it spoken to + the credit which is due to the opinion of old Democritus; and likewise of + the stone of the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the Ammonian horn; + for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like + gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a ram's horn, as + the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported to have been: they over and above + assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who carry it about them are no + less veritable and infallible than the truth of the divine oracles. Nor is + this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two gates of + sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what + you have in hand. The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused, + doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, how small and slender + soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close + compactedness of its material parts hindering the penetration of the visual + rays and the reception of the specieses of such things as are visible. The + other is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain dreams, + even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous splendour and bright + transparency thereof, the species of all objects of the sight distinctly + pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are clearly seen. Your + meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth Friar John, that the dreams + of all horned cuckolds, of which number Panurge, by the help of God and his + future wife, is without controversy to be one, are always true and + infallible. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XIV.—Panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof. +</h2> +<p> + At seven o'clock of the next following morning Panurge did not fail to + present himself before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time + Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and + others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo! here cometh + our dreamer. That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient times cost very much, + and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob. Then said Panurge, I have + been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaffer + Noddy-cap. Dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take + along with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that I + in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no + less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished, + cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if I had been another neat + dilly-darling minion, like Adonis. Never was man more glad than I was + then; my joy at that time was incomparable. She flattered me, tickled me, + stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid + her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty little + horns above my forehead. I told her in the like disport, as I did play the + fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below + mine eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at with them; + for, being so situated, Momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did + once with the position of the horns of bulls. The wanton, toying girl, + notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary, did always drive + and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which to me seemed wonderful, she + did not do me any hurt at all. A little after, though I know not how, I + thought I was transformed into a tabor, and she into a chough. +</p> +<p> + My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry, + displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth. There have you a large + platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare + not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in + them. Come, Carpalin, let us to breakfast. To my sense and meaning, quoth + Pantagruel, if I have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by + dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the + world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a + visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so + far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a + conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith, + break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body + to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold. This point is + clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I + have related it. Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made + of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as + ever was tabor at a merry wedding. Nor yet will she be changed into a + chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of + that thievish bird. Hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot + conform and agreeable to the Virgilian lots. A cuckold you will be, beaten + and robbed. Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, He tells the + truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold—an honest one, I warrant + thee. O the brave horns that will be borne by thee! Ha, ha, ha! Our good + Master de Cornibus. God save thee, and shield thee! Wilt thou be pleased + to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and I will go through the parish + church to gather up alms for the poor. +</p> +<p> + You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the + matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof. My dream presageth that I + shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods—the + hornifying of me showing that I will possess a cornucopia, that Amalthaean + horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still + portend the wealth of the enjoyer. You possibly will say that they are + rather like to be satyr's horns; for you of these did make some mention. + Amen, Amen, Fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae. Thus shall I have my + touch-her-home still ready. My staff of love, sempiternally in a good + case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out—a thing which all men wish + for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as + nevertheless is granted but to a few. Hence doth it follow by a + consequence as clear as the sunbeams that I will never be in the danger of + being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non; yea, the + sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds. What makes poor + scoundrel rogues to beg, I pray you? Is it not because they have not + enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes? What is it + makes the wolves to leave the woods? Is it not the want of flesh meat? + What maketh women whores? You understand me well enough. And herein may I + very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, presidents, + counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and + commentators on the venerable rubric, De frigidis et maleficiatis. You + are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my boldness if I have + transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to + cuckoldry. Diana wears them on her head after the manner of a crescent. + Is she a cucquean for that? How the devil can she be cuckolded who never + yet was married? Speak somewhat more correctly, I beseech you, lest she, + being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns shapen by the pattern of + those which she made for Actaeon. The goodly Bacchus also carries horns, + —Pan, Jupiter Ammon, with a great many others. Are they all cuckolds? If + Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a whore. This follows by the figure metalepsis: + as to call a child, in the presence of his father and mother, a bastard, or + whore's son, is tacitly and underboard no less than if he had said openly + the father is a cuckold and his wife a punk. Let our discourse come nearer + to the purpose. The horns that my wife did make me are horns of abundance, + planted and grafted in my head for the increase and shooting up of all good + things. This will I affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and + credit both upon it. As for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolic, + glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the + hands of a good drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still + rolling, still buzzing and cracking. Believe me, sir, in that consisteth + none of my least good fortunes. And my wife will be jocund, feat, compt, + neat, quaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a + pretty little Cornish chough. Who will not believe this, let hell or the + gallows be the burden of his Christmas carol. +</p> +<p> + I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak + of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the + beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the + end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were + forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed. Yea, quoth Panurge, the reason of + that was because I had fasted too long. Flatter not yourself, quoth + Pantagruel; all will go to ruin. Know for a certain truth, that every + sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved, + and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth + and portendeth a future imminent mishap. To signify an evil, that is to + say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or + malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent + within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of + sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue + of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare itself, + and moves toward the outward superficies. At this sad stirring is the + sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and + stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and + trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say proverbially, to + incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake a sleeping lion, + instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more familiar and plain + meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the worse by meddling + with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is at quiet. On the + other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in what concerneth + the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, is as much to + say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal fortune or + mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to + come to pass. A clear and evident example hereof is to be found in the + dream and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as likewise in that of Eurydice, the + wife of Orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, saith Ennius, + but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were + affrighted horribly. Thereupon these accidents ensued: Hecuba had her + husband Priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, and saw + then the destruction of her country; and Eurydice died speedily thereafter + in a most miserable manner. Aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to Hector a + little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was + afraid. Now hereupon did follow this event: Troy that same night was + spoiled, sacked, and burnt. At another time the same Aeneas dreaming that + he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and + astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the + very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was + like to have perished and been cast away. Moreover, Turnus being prompted, + instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to + enter into a bloody war against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and + disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous + routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be + killed in a single combat by the said Aeneas. A thousand other instances I + could afford, if it were needful, of this matter. Whilst I relate these + stories of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fabius Pictor, who faithfully + averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or + enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand + foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the + oracles of somnial divination. To this there is no want of pregnant + reasons, no more than of examples. For if repose and rest in sleeping be a + special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers, + and by the poet attested in these lines, +</p> +<pre> + Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh + Of human labourers the wearied flesh; +</pre> +<p> + such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and + indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous + fortune to ensue. Otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a + scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above, + but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar + saying. +</p> +<p> + Suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very + sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at + his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof + there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden + fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a + horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be + astonished exceedingly. But what? he heard his male servants cry, Fire, + fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop thief! + and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, Murder, O murder, + murder! Then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, for + application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for succouring + of his distressed household? Truly I remember that the Cabalists and + Massorets, interpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in treating how with + verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions (because oftentimes the + angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured into an angel of light), said + that the difference of these two mainly did consist in this: the + favourable and comforting angel useth in his appearing unto man at first to + terrify and hugely affright him, but in the end he bringeth consolation, + leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, well-pleased, fully content, + and satisfied; on the other side, the angel of perdition, that wicked, + devilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the + beginning cheereth up the heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him, + and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XV.—Panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered beef. +</h2> +<p> + The Lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth Panurge. I see you + well enough, but know not what it is that you have said. The + hunger-starved belly wanteth ears. For lack of victuals, before God, I + roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness. I have performed too + hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed. He shall be craftier, and + do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any more + this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming verdict. + Fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil. Pox take that fashion! Come, + Friar John, let us go break our fast; for, if I hit on such a round + refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper + and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink sufficient, + then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity which presseth, I + could make a shift that day to forbear dining. But not to sup! A plague + rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to Nature! That lady made + the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his + negotiation and employment; and that we may with the more fervency and + ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a clear burning candle, to + wit, the sun's resplendency; and at night, when she begins to take the light + from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than if she would have spoken + thus unto us: My lads and lasses, all of you are good and honest folks, you + have wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled enough,—the night + approacheth,—therefore cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist from + all your swinking painful labours, and set your minds how to refresh your + bodies in the renewing of their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and + store of wholesome meats; then may you take some sport and recreation, and + after that lie down and rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly, + lustily, and with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as + formerly. +</p> +<p> + Falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer + them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that + they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better. That good pope who was + the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he + ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the + remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any + time thereof. In ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would + say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other + occupation. Each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the + claustral proverb, De missa ad mensam. They do not use to linger and defer + their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as they + have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to without + ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it were some + vain, conceited, dreaming dotard. Hence was a supper called coena, which + showeth that it is common to all sorts of people. Thou knowest it well, + Friar John. Come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name of all the devils + of the infernal regions, let us go. The gnawings of my stomach in this + rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a mastiff. Let + us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the + sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best monastical brewis, the prime, the + flower of the pot. I am for the solid, principal verb that comes after + —the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round slice of the + nine-lecture-powdered labourer. I know thy meaning, answered Friar John; + this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle. The labourer is the + ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the fashion of nine + lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and thoroughly boiled. + These holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic institution of the + ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition conveyed from hand to + hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were wont to flourish that + their matutinal devotion with some certain notable preambles before their + entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the + pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries, + and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine service they might not bring + anything that was unclean or foul. These things thus done, they very + zealously made their repair to the Holy Chapel, for so was in their canting + language termed the convent kitchen, where they with no small earnestness + had care that the beef-pot should be put on the crook for the breakfast of + the religious brothers of our Lord and Saviour; and the fire they would + kindle under the pot themselves. Now, the matins consisting of nine + lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, that must have risen the rather + for the more expedite despatching of them all. The sooner that they rose, + the sharper was their appetite and the barkings of their stomachs, and the + gnawings increased in the like proportion, and consequently made these godly + men thrice more a-hungered and athirst than when their matins were hemmed + over only with three lessons. The more betimes they rose, by the said + cabal, the sooner was the beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on + the fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer; + the tenderer that it was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the + palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the + more substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first + founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat, + and in this world have nothing but their life. Let us go, Panurge. +</p> +<p> + Now have I understood thee, quoth Panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine + and claustral ballock. I freely quit the costs, interest, and charges, + seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of + the culinary and monastic cabal. Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar + John, my leather-dresser. Good morrow to you all, my good lords; I have + dreamed too much to have so little. Let us go. Panurge had no sooner done + speaking than Epistemon with a loud voice said these words: It is a very + ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and + presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the + understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man's own mishap + is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere. This is exceeding + judiciously and prudently deciphered by Aesop in his Apologues, who there + affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in + the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others + always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof, + which hangs behind, are kept the bearer's proper transgressions and + inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless + he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0016"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XVI.—How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</h2> +<p> + A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge and said unto him, + The affection which I bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind + by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration of + your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what I have thought + thereon. It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Crouly, dwelleth a + very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things + to come. Take Epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what + she will say unto you. She is possibly, quoth Epistemon, some Canidia, + Sagana, or Pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch, + —I being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this + character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the + abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever + did the plains of Thessaly. I should not, to my thinking, go thither + willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether + forbidden in the law of Moses. We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is + it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by + others that she is a witch. Let us for the present suspend our judgment, + and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of + those niceties. Do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a + second Cassandra? But although she were neither, and she did not merit the + name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the + name of God, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the + instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts? Seeing especially, + and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are + acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of + understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth + or to the sex whereof she is. What hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the + laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, a + fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a + goldsmith's crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper? You may remember to + have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, immediately after + his having obtained a glorious victory over the King Darius in Arbela, + refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious courtiers that + were about him, to give audience to a poor certain despicable-like fellow, + who through the solicitations and mediation of some of his royal attendants + was admitted humbly to beg that grace and favour of him. But sore did he + repent, although in vain, a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, the + surly state which he then took upon him to the denial of so just a suit, + the grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a brace of + potent cities. He was indeed victorious in Persia, but withal so far + distant from Macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy of the one did + not expel the extreme grief which through occasion of the other he had + inwardly conceived; for, not being able with all his power to find or + invent a convenient mean and expedient how to get or come by the certainty + of any news from thence, both by reason of the huge remoteness of the + places from one to another, as also because of the impeditive interposition + of many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and + obstructive interjection of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,—whilst + he was in this sad quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may + suppose, could not be of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a + matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess + his country, seize on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and + plant thereon foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any + advertisement of it: for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful + inconveniency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a certain Sidonian + merchant of a low stature but high fancy, very poor in show, and to the + outward appearance of little or no account, having presented himself before + him, went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon + a ready mean and way by the which those of his territories at home should + come to the certain notice of his Indian victories, and himself be + perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within + less than five days. Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen + animadvertency of mind, through his rash opinion of the improbability of + performing a so strange and impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the + merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified him. What + could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest man had invented and + contrived for his good? What detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could + he have undergone to listen to the discovery of that secret which the good + fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him? Nature, I am + persuaded, did not without a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no + gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of enclosures, as she + hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of + the body. The cause, as I imagine, is to the end that every day and every + night, and that continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual + hearing apt to learn. For, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the + reception of the knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may + be that man was an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from God, as + Raphael was to Tobit. Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard + him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did + he do penance for it. You say very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you + never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the + advantage or commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman, + namely, of such a woman, and the woman of such a country. Truly I have + found, quoth Panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly + in that of the old wives amongst them; for every time I consult with them I + readily get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut + passage. They are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and + in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law. + Therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them + sage or wise women. In confirmation of which opinion of mine, the + customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage + women. The epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing + dexterous in the knowledge of most things. And I give them the title of + presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future + contingencies and events of things to come. Sometimes I call them not + maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions. Whether it be so, + ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our master Ortuinus. I + furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable + institution of the pristine Germans, who ordained the responses and + documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced, + and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard + of the sanctuary. And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of + these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no + less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours. Witness the + old wife Aurinia, and the good mother Velled, in the days of Vespasian. + You need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying + in qualities sublime—I would have said sibylline. Let us go, by the help, + let us go, by the virtue of God, let us go. Farewell, Friar John, I + recommend the care of my codpiece to you. Well, quoth Epistemon, I will + follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a + sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or + enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to + leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further + in. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0017"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XVII.—How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</h2> +<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-17-225.jpg" height="619" width="871" +alt="Found the Old Woman Sitting Alone--3-17-225 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Their voyage was three days journeying. On the third whereof was shown + unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a + hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree. Without great difficulty + they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily + movabled, and all besmoked. It matters not, quoth Epistemon; Heraclitus, + the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing + astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he + did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made + as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous + magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and + pleasure. I withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so + famous and renowned Hecate was just such another petty cell as this is, + when she made a feast therein to the valiant Theseus; and that of no other + better structure was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or Oenopion, wherein + Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to + harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty + repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed Orion. They + finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, Epistemon said, + She is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by + the Grei kaminoi of Homer. The old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and + condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the + ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement, + and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment; + for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed, + crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still + drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she was + making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with a bit + skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of waterish, + unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones. Epistemon said, + By the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any + response at all, for we have not brought along with us the branch of gold. + I have, quoth Panurge, provided pretty well for that, for here I have it + within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied with some fair + pieces of small money. No sooner were these words spoken, when Panurge + coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a profound and + humble salutation, presented her with six neat's tongues dried in the smoke, + a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a borachio furnished with good + beverage, and a ram's cod stored with single pence, newly coined. At last + he, with a low courtesy, put on her medical finger a pretty handsome golden + ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased a precious toadstone of + Beausse. This done, in few words and very succinctly, did he set open and + expose unto her the motive reason of his coming, most civilly and + courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give + him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the future good luck of his + intended marriage. +</p> +<p> + The old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a dog; + then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a bushel, + she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had turned and + whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several fashions, she + pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the sharpest + whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a stone + trough. After this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine times + unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth revolution or + turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of + their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from + any further stirring. In sequel whereof she pulled off one of her wooden + pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice when + he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, gaudy, party-coloured + string knit it under her neck. Being thus covered and muffled, she whiffed + off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, took three several pence + forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set + down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and then, after she had given them + three whisks of a broom besom athwart the chimney, casting into the fire + half a bavin of long heather, together with a branch of dry laurel, she + observed with a very hush and coy silence in what form they did burn, and + saw that, although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise or + crackling din. Hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful + shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few barbarous words of a strange + termination. +</p> +<p> + This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith said to Epistemon, The devil + mince me into a gallimaufry if I do not tremble for fear! I do not think + but that I am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms of + any Christian language. O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me to be + by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself with + her apron. What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps? What + can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy shoulders? + To what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the + dismembering of a lobster? My ears through horror glow; ah! how they + tingle! I think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the devils are + breaking loose to be all here. O the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts! Let + us run away! By the hook of God, I am like to die for fear! I do not love + the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows. Now let us fly, and + betake us to our heels. Farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your + goods! I will not marry; no, believe me, I will not. I fairly quit my + interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time + forward, even as much as at present. With this, as he endeavoured to make + an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and make + him stop. The way how she prevented him was this: whilst in her hand she + held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, where, + after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several times, + she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, wrote with + the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which she threw + into the air, then said unto them, Search after them if you will; find them + if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are written in them. +</p> +<p> + No sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto her + lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her gown, + her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full + inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by Panurge, he said to + Epistemon, God's bodikins, I see the sibyl's hole! She suddenly then + bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any more. They + jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and gathered + them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the wind had + scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley. When they had + ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their + sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich: +</p> +<pre> + Thy fame upheld + (Properly, as corrected by Ozell: + Thy fame will be shell'd + By her, I trow.), + Even so, so: + And she with child + Of thee: No. + Thy good end + Suck she shall, + And flay thee, friend, + But not all. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0018"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XVIII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of Panzoust. +</h2> +<p> + The leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, Epistemon and Panurge + returned to Pantagruel's court, partly well pleased and other part + discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble + they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged, + stony, rough, and ill-adjusted. They made an ample and full relation of + their voyage unto Pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and condition of + the sibyl. Then, having presented to him the leaves of the sycamore, they + show him the short and twattle verses that were written in them. + Pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the + matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to Panurge, + You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your hogs to a + fine market. The prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us + the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and presaged + to us by the decree of the Virgilian lots and the verdict of your own + proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and + discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in + prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you, + —will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, scratch + and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,—will + leave the print of her blows in some member of your body. You understand + as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding + of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery. Be not offended, + sir, I beseech you, that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in + choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true. + Take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words. The old wife said that, + as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad or + hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and + transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad + proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency + thereof, until preallably I get a wife and make the full half of a married + couple. How many times have I heard you say that the function of a + magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and + endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him. + That is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of + a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he + lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of + him than of a bean within his husk. And thus stands the first article + explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and + estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore? +</p> +<p> + Now to the meaning of the second article! My wife will be with child, + —here lies the prime felicity of marriage,—but not of me. Copsody, that I + do believe indeed! It will be of a pretty little infant. O how heartily I + shall love it! I do already dote upon it; for it will be my dainty feedle- + darling, my genteel dilly-minion. From thenceforth no vexation, care, or + grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how hugely great or + vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall evanish forthwith at + the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing of the chat and + prating of its childish gibberish. And blessed be the old wife. By my + truly, I have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension upon her out of + the readiest increase of the lands of my Salmigondinois; not an inconstant + and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed bachelors, but + sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting + doctors. If this interpretation doth not please you, think you my wife + will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as + women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so as that it may be + said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born, + as was Hippolytus,—as was Proteus, one time of Thetis, and secondly, of + the mother of the philosopher Apollonius,—as were the two Palici, near the + flood Simaethos in Sicily. His wife was big of child with him. In him is + renewed and begun again the palintocy of the Megarians and the palingenesy + of Democritus. Fie upon such errors! To hear stuff of that nature rends + mine ears. +</p> +<p> + The words of the third article are: She will suck me at my best end. Why + not? That pleaseth me right well. You know the thing; I need not tell you + that it is my intercrural pudding with one end. I swear and promise that, + in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well + victualled for her use as may be. She shall not suck me, I believe, in + vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in + peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally. You expound this + passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny. I love the + exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense + whereto you stretch it. It may be that the sincerity of the affection + which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory + thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come. We have + this saying from the learned, That a marvellously fearful thing is love, + and that true love is never without fear. But, sir, according to my + judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth + signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of Greek + and Latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous + dalliance, which Venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by + fervent lovers filchingly. Why so, I prithee tell? Because, when the feat + of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily, + between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly, + and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an + unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess, and to me also + —I speak this without prejudice to any better or more sound opinion—than + to perform that culbusting art after the Cynic manner, in the view of the + clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, within + a glorious and sublime pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich + curtains of cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long intermediate + respites, enjoying of pleasures and delights a bellyfull, at all great + ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of + some East-Indian ostrich serving to give chase unto the flies all round + about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks her teeth with a stiff + straw picked even then from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on. If + you be not content with this my exposition, are you of the mind that my + wife will suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and swallow oysters out + of the shell? or as the Cilician women, according to the testimony of + Dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of alkermes? Assuredly that is an + error. Who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes + away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of + hey-pass, repass. +</p> +<p> + The fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all. O + the fine word! You interpret this to beating strokes and blows. Speak + wisely. Will you eat a pudding? Sir, I beseech you to raise up your + spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of + sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries + and wonders of Dame Nature. And here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a + renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and + somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl. + Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that, by the instigation of the + devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold downwards to + the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from me, yea, and + lay violently her hands upon me;—she nevertheless should fail of her + attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable + undertakings. The reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on + this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest privacies of a + monastic pantheology, as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me once upon a + Monday morning, as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a bushel of + trotter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard. God give him the good + morrow! The women at the beginning of the world, or a little after, + conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of mankind + inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole + earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, confirmed, + swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they owe to the + nocturnal Sanct Rogero. But O the vain enterprises of women! O the great + fragility of that sex feminine! They did begin to flay the man, or peel + him (as says Catullus), at that member which of all the body they loved + best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five thousand + years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till + this hour but the head. In mere despite whereof the Jews snip off that + parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be called + clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other nations. My + wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not + so already. I heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not give her + leave to flay it all. Nay, truly will I not, my noble king. +</p> +<p> + Yea but, quoth Epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and + exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without + yielding any noise or crackling. You know it is a very dismal omen, an + inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous, + and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick + philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many + others. Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the allegations which you + bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves. These men were fools, as + they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as + they were of philosophy. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0019"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XIX.—How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men. +</h2> +<p> + Pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his + peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, The + malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you. I have read that + in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which + either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking. + For many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and + ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and + obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences. For + which cause Apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed Loxias. Those + which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted + the truest and the most infallible. Such was the opinion of Heraclitus. + And Jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in Ammon frequently + predictions. Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo did the like + amongst the Assyrians. His prophesying thus unto those people moved them + to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled + person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and + beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians. Let us + make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some dumb + person without any speaking. I am content, quoth Panurge. But, says + Pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as + have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for + none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard. +</p> +<p> + How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive this matter? If you apprehend + it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others, + I will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd + and paradoxical conclusion. But let it pass; I will not insist on it. You + do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two children, who, at the + special command and appointment of Psammeticus, King of Egypt, having been + kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and entertained + in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time, + pronounce this word Bec, which in the Phrygian language signifieth bread. + Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, do I believe than that it is a mere abusing + of our understandings to give credit to the words of those who say that + there is any such thing as a natural language. All speeches have had their + primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements of + nations in their respective condescendments to what should be noted and + betokened by them. An articulate voice, according to the dialecticians, + hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sense and meaning + thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first + deviser and imposer of it. I do not tell you this without a cause; for + Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously reporteth that even in + his time there was in Eugubia one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who, + although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood + nevertheless everyone that talked in the Italian dialect howsoever he + expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external gestures, and + casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips and chaps. I + have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent author, that + Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a voyage to Rome, + where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and with all manner + of pomp and magnificence. Yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal + amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman senate, there + was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not shown unto him. At + his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample donatives of an + inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to testify his affection + towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice of any + whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his fancy, with a promise + juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused of his demand. + Thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so gracious offer, he + required a certain Jack-pudding whom he had seen to act his part most + egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew not what it + was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the signs and + gesticulations which he had made. And for this suit of his, in that he + asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide and + spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of his + sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much + differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak + unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated + to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters. Now with this + man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great + inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine + gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete, + expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak. + Howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and + from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more + vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some + adulterate lustre and affectation. Yet whether this dumb person shall be + of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and + altogether dependeth on your own election. +</p> +<p> + I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, consult with and be advised by a + dumb woman, were it not that I am afraid of two things. The first is, that + the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent + unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the + sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of + the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation. Whatever + signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour, + carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they + will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the + culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of + our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else + but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists + of a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish. Do you remember what happened + at Rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof? A + young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of Mount Celion, + with a beautiful Latin lady named Verona, who from her very cradle upwards + had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a + chironomatic Italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his + fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of + that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she had + met with going up thither. For you are to conceive that he, knowing no + more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both. She in the + meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he + had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely + gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what + herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally + desire of a woman. Then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of + venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious than + words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which when + he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most + lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her. + Whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of + one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily. +</p> +<p> + The other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, that + to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall backwards + in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their + consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands. Or if they should + chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they would + prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them ourselves + should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling + academy. You know very well how at Brignoles, when the religious nun, + Sister Fatbum, was made big with child by the young Stiffly-stand-to't, her + pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a full + convention of the convent, accused of incest. Her excuse was that she did + not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous + force of the Friar Stiffly-stand-to't. Hereto the abbess very austerely + replying, Thou naughty wicked girl, why didst thou not cry, A rape, a rape! + then should all of us have run to thy succour. Her answer was that the + rape was committed in the dortour, where she durst not cry because it was a + place of sempiternal silence. But, quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench, + why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next + chamber beside thee? To this she answered that with her buttocks she made + a sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet never one of them did so + much as offer to come to her help and assistance. But, quoth the abbess, + thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou not tell it me immediately after the + perpetration of the fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and + canonically have accused him? I would have done so, had the case been + mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine innocency. I truly, madam, + would have done the like with all my heart and soul, quoth Sister Fatbum, + but that fearing I should remain in sin, and in the hazard of eternal + damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, I did confess myself to the + father friar before he went out of the room, who, for my penance, enjoined + me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any. It were a most enormous + and horrid offence, detestable before God and the angels, to reveal a + confession. Such an abominable wickedness would have possibly brought down + fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us + all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company with Korah, Dathan, and + Abiram. +</p> +<p> + You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh. I + know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe + the highest of the commandments of God than break the least of their + provincial statutes. Take you therefore Goatsnose, a man very fit for your + present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very + remotest infancy of his childhood. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0020"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XX.—How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge. +</h2> +<p> + Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel's court; at + his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a hog, two + puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small money; + then, having brought him before Pantagruel, in presence of the gentlemen of + the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him. He yawned a long time, and in + yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure + of the Greek letter Tau by frequent reiterations. Afterwards he lifted up + his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his head like a she-goat in + the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing whereof he did cough and + sigh exceeding heavily. This done, after that he had made demonstration of + the want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt took his placket-racket + in a full grip, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his + thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body stooped a little forwards, and + bowed his left knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms + on his breast, in a loose faint-like posture, the one over the other, he + paused awhile. Goatsnose looked wistly upon him, and having heedfully + enough viewed him all over, he lifted up into the air his left hand, the + whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise close together, except the thumb + and the forefinger, whose nails he softly joined and coupled to one + another. I understand, quoth Pantagruel, what he meaneth by that sign. It + denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, according to the profession + of the Pythagoreans. You will be married. Thanks to you, quoth Panurge, + in turning himself towards Goatsnose, my little sewer, pretty master's + mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader. + Then did he lift higher up than before his said left hand, stretching out + all the five fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as + he possibly could get done. Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and + fully insinuate unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary + number, that you shall be married. Yea, that you shall not only be + affianced, betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore + cohabit and live jollily and merrily with your wife; for Pythagoras called + five the nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the + consummation of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first + of the odd, and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and + female knit and united together. In very deed it was the fashion of old in + the city of Rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it + permitted to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent + and wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and + most abject of the world. Moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims + implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in + five several good offices to those that were to be married. Of this sort + were the nuptial Jove, Juno, president of the feast, the fair Venus, Pitho, + the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and Diana, whose aid and succour + was required to the labour of child-bearing. Then shouted Panurge, O the + gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near Cinais, and a windmill hard + by Mirebalais! Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous + vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing + himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand. By the body + of a fox new slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that? This maketh nothing + for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be + inauspicious and unfortunate. This sneezing, according to the doctrine of + Terpsion, is the Socratic demon. If done towards the right side, it + imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may go + whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he + shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning, + progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be + all lucky, good, and happy. The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied + and presaged if it be done towards the left. You, quoth Panurge, do take + always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another Davus, + casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this + old paltry Terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and + imposture. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath written I know not + what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination. +</p> +<p> + Panurge then, turning himself towards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him. + He inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the + left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth. This done, he + posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which + was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the + room where his codpiece had been. Then did he keep his right hand + altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight turned + backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it afterwards on + that most eminent part of the buttocks which the Arabs call the Al-Katim. + Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange: he held his right hand after + the manner of the left, and posited it on the place wherein his codpiece + sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form and fashion of the + right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim. This altering of hands did he + reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated his eyelids + into their own first natural position. Then doing the like also with his + jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon Goatsnose, diddering and + shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, and rabbits, whilst, + almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in the sheaf. +</p> +<p> + Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly + open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first + articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers, + pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, whilst + the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the wrist, he + stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore and little + fingers. That hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and posited upon + Panurge's navel, moving withal continually the aforesaid thumb, and bearing + up, supporting, or under-propping that hand upon the above-specified fore + and little fingers, as upon two legs. Thereafter did he make in this + posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses, + successively to mount from athwart the belly to the stomach, from whence he + made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to Panurge's neck, still + gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, he had put within the + concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then fiercely brandishing + the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate against his nose, he heaved + it further up, and made the fashion as if with the thumb thereof he would + have put out his eyes. With this Panurge grew a little angry, and went + about to withdraw and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil. + But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose of his + prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, with the above-mentioned + shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, and after that the borders + and corners of his cap. At last Panurge cried out, saying, Before God, + master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me + any more, you shall receive from the best hand I have a mask wherewith to + cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry shitten varlet. Then said + Friar John, He is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him. + Bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle. +</p> +<p> + What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this busy restless fellow? What is it + that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at? + He hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a + skillet with butter and eggs. By God, da jurandi, I will feast you with + flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and + finger-fillipings! Then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a + volley of farts for his farewell. Goatsnose, perceiving Panurge thus to + slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to + stand, made this sign unto him. He let fall his right arm toward his knee + on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that + hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and + mid fingers thereto belonging. Then scrubbing and swingeing a little with + his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the elbow + of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair and + softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself even to + the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down as low as + before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of time, + raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to Panurge. This so + incensed Panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him the + dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the respect + and reverence which he carried to the presence of Pantagruel restrained his + choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits. Then said Pantagruel, + If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grievously will + you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which by them are + represented and signified! All truths agree and are consonant with one + another. This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you will be + married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed. As for the marriage, quoth + Panurge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his + prediction; as for the rest, I utterly abjure and deny it: and believe, + sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of + wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than + I. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0021"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXI.—How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis. +</h2> +<p> + I never thought, said Pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so + headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as I have + found you to be and see you are. Nevertheless, the better to clear and + extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned + nor wind unsailed by. Take good heed to what I am to say unto you. The + swans, which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour + of their approaching death, especially in the Meander flood, which is a + river that runneth along some of the territories of Phrygia. This I say, + because Aelianus and Alexander Myndius write that they had seen several + swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant before + their death. However, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a + swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth until + preallably he have sung. +</p> +<p> + After the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when + they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and + by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which + are to come. It hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit + men upon the brinks of Charon's banks do usher their decease with a + disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, of + the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and contingencies. I + remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, calleth the + old folks Sibyls, Eith o geron Zibullia. For as when, being upon a pier by + the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, and other travellers + alongst the curled waves of azure Thetis within their ships, we then + consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any further than to wish + them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do approach near to the + haven, and come to wet their keels within their harbour, then both with + words and gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their access + safe to the port wherein we are ourselves. Just so the angels, heroes, and + good demons, according to the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see + mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the grave, as the most sure and + calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, free from + the troubles and solicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous world; then + is it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and comfort + them, and, speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with + illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries of + divination. I will not offer here to confound your memory by quoting + antique examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector + towards Achilles, of Polymnestor towards Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the + Rhodian renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the + Great, of Orodes towards Mezentius, and of many others. It shall suffice + for the present that I commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight + and cavalier William of Bellay, late Lord of Langey, who died on the Hill + of Tarara, the 10th of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of + our supputation 1543, according to the Roman account. The last three or + four hours of his life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very + pithy discourse, whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all + trouble he did foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is + come to pass, and the rest we wait for. Howbeit, his prophecies did at + that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because + there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith + to the belief of what he did prognosticate. We have here, near to the town + of Villomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who + to his second wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair + Basoche. It hath been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter + end that he is almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof. + Repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to + what he shall chant unto you. It may be that you shall obtain from him what + you desire, and that Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your + scruples. I am content, quoth Panurge. Let us go thither, Epistemon, and + that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our + coming. Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John? Yes, that I will, quoth + Friar John, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I + love thee with the best of my milt and liver. +</p> +<p> + Thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they + all three went, and quickly thereafter—for they made good speed—arriving + at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the + agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open + countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity. After that + Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him + with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his + left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an Oriental + sapphire, very fair and large. Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make + an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon the + tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, lustily + shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud. This done, + Panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to favour + him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching the future + destiny of his intended marriage. For answer hereto, when the honest old + man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and + that he was at the same call conveniently served with all the three, he + wrote these following verses: +</p> +<pre> + Take, or not take her, + Off, or on: + Handy-dandy is your lot. + When her name you write, you blot. + 'Tis undone, when all is done, + Ended e'er it was begun: + Hardly gallop, if you trot, + Set not forward when you run, + Nor be single, though alone, + Take, or not take her. + + Before you eat, begin to fast; + For what shall be was never past. + Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath: + Then wish at once her life and death. + Take, or not take her. +</pre> +<p> + These lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, Go, + my lads, in peace! the great God of the highest heavens be your guardian + and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with + this or any other business whatsoever. I have this same very day, which is + the last both of May and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and + difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and + plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white, + ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive + importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent + and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish + stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of I know + not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and call me + out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was already beginning to repose + myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost in the + very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good God hath + prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and state of + immortality. Turn out of their courses and eschew them, step forth of + their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more troubled + by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0022"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXII.—How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars. +</h2> +<p> + Panurge, at his issuing forth of Raminagrobis's chamber, said, as if he had + been horribly affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe that he is an + heretic; the devil take me, if I do not! he doth so villainously rail at + the Mendicant Friars and Jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of the + Christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two + celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Romish + Church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish + of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised. But what harm, + in the devil's name, have these poor devils the Capuchins and Minims done + unto him? Are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched already? + Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of ichthyophagy, + are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with misery, distress, and + calamity? Dost thou think, Friar John, by thy faith, that he is in the + state of salvation? He goeth, before God, as surely damned to thirty + thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the lopping of a + vine-branch. To revile with opprobrious speeches the good and courageous + props and pillars of the Church,—is that to be called a poetical fury? I + cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against + the true religion. I am very much offended at his scandalizing words and + contumelious obloquy. I do not care a straw, quoth Friar John, for what he + hath said; for although everybody should twit and jerk them, it were but a + just retaliation, seeing all persons are served by them with the like sauce: + therefore do I pretend no interest therein. Let us see, nevertheless, what + he hath written. Panurge very attentively read the paper which the old man + had penned; then said to his two fellow-travellers, The poor drinker doteth. + Howsoever, I excuse him, for that I believe he is now drawing near to the + end and final closure of his life. Let us go make his epitaph. By the + answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser than I + was. Hearken here, Epistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be + very resolute in his responsory verdicts? He is a witty, quick, and subtle + sophister. I will lay an even wager that he is a miscreant apostate. By + the belly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be mistaken in his + words. He answered but by disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which + he saith; for the verity of such-like propositions is inherent only in one + of its two members. O the cozening prattler that he is! I wonder if + Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging shirks. Such was of old, quoth + Epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticinator and prophet Tiresias, who + used always, by way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning + of his divinations and predictions that what he was to tell would either + come to pass or not. And such is truly the style of all prudently presaging + prognosticators. He was nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so unfortunately + misadventurous in the lot of his own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his + eyes. +</p> +<p> + Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for + having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question + which was merrily proposed by Jupiter. But, quoth Panurge, what archdevil + is it that hath possessed this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, + and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly + inveighed against these poor honest fathers, Jacobins, Minors, and Minims? + It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my + indignation. He hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth + infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils. I understand you not, + quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly + and perversely interpret that of the Friar Mendicants which by the harmless + poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other coloured + animals. He is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and + fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the Begging + Brothers. He in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas, + punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin, + whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some + brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and + unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those + also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and + constitution. It is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the + lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body. Possibly doth he + suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the Egyptians, together with + all those who inhabit the Erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores + and coasts of the Red Sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his + arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the Arabians call + meden. You are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and + wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said + fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge. + We still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers, + interpret all things to the best. Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how to + discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget + children? He is, by the virtue of God, an arrant heretic, a resolute, + formal heretic; I say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn as + the little wooden clock at Rochelle. His soul goeth to thirty thousand + cartsful of devils. Would you know whither? Cocks-body, my friend, + straight under Proserpina's close-stool, to the very middle of the + self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation, + voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the + left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws + and talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth + towards the black chamber of Demogorgon. O the villain! +</p> +<a name="2HCH0023"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXIII.—How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis. +</h2> +<a name="image-0007"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-23-294.jpg" height="599" width="873" +alt="The Chamber is Already Full of Devils--3-23-294 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our + abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his + salvation. Let us go back, for God's sake; let us go, in the name of God. + It will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so + in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose + both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the + eternal damnation of his soul. We will by our holy persuasions bring him + to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to acknowledge his + faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and stir up in him + such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as will prompt him + with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands of the + good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are present. Whereupon + we will take instrument formally and authentically extended, to the end he + be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as were the + hobgoblins of the provost's wife of Orleans, to the undergoing of such + punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and inflicted on those that + inhabit the horrid cells of the infernal regions; and withal incline, + instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an + amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done to those good + religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters, and monasteries + of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing, store of + obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease, every + one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that the great + borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables, as + well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of + the abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,—the + very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally + admitted to the benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the + aged rectors and professed fathers. This is the surest ordinary means + whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness. Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I + digress from the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits + were a-wool-gathering. The devil take me, if I go thither! Virtue God! + The chamber is already full of devils. O what a swinging, thwacking noise + is now amongst them! O the terrible coil that they keep! Hearken, do you + not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they + scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the + Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to + Monsieur Lucifer? Beware, and get you hence! for my part, I will not go + thither. The devil roast me if I go! Who knows but that these hungry mad + devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a + qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank and + free? Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they always failed. Get + you hence! I will not go thither. Before God, the very bare apprehension + thereof is like to kill me. To be in a place where there are greedy, + famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils—amidst + trading and trafficking devils—O the Lord preserve me! Get you hence! I + dare pawn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin, + Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment. The + wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will + and testament. The devil take me, if I go thither. If he be damned, to + his own loss and hindrance be it. What the deuce moved him to be so + snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion? + Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his + chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of + the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy + admonitions? Why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly + lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, + and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks, + who have nothing but their life in this world? Let him go thither who + will, the devil take me if I go; for, if I should, the devil would not fail + to snatch me up. Cancro. Ho, the pox! Get you hence, Friar John! Art + thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with + thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my request do these three + things. First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked + with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to + thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise of + Coudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. This + moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with + Friar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a + new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would + bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead + goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue. The condition + being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks, + and layeth upon his back, like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of + the said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a good will, + as Aeneas bore his father Anchises through the conflagration of Troy, + singing in the meanwhile a pretty Ave Maris Stella. When they were in the + very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel of the + water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him. Yes, quoth Dodin, a + whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the + performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new + frock. How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the + express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to + carry on us any kind of money. Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me + in this point to commit a heinous trespass. Why didst thou not leave thy + purse with the miller? Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy + reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within + the limits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to + the Vitulos. With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he + throws me down your Dodin headlong. Take example by this Dodin, my dear + friend Friar John, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee + away at thine own ease. Give me thy purse. Carry no manner of cross upon + thee. Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger. For if you + have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down + headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for + the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet Aeschylus can + sufficiently bear witness. Such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet + bully, and I would be sorry for it. Or otherwise they will let thee fall + and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I know + not where; but, I warrant thee, far enough hence, as Icarus fell, which + from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the Funnelian Sea. +</p> +<p> + Secondly, be out of debt. For the devils carry a great liking to those + that are out of debt. I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own + particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting + me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces. + The soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. +</p> +<p> + Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and in + case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith + come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge + of paying for the pint and faggot. Now, if for the more security thou + wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou + searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,—nay, do not. I + advise thee for the best. Get you hence; I will not go thither. The devil + take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth + Friar John, I would not care so much as might possibly be expected I + should, if I once had but my sword in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the + nail on the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle + and well-skilled in the art of devilry. At the time when I was a student + in the University of Toulouse (Tolette), that same reverend father in the + devil, Picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to tell us + that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords as much as + the splendour and light of the sun. In confirmation of the verity whereof + he related this story, that Hercules, at his descent into hell to all the + devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify them with his club + and lion's skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining armour upon + him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished and unrusted, by the aid, + counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana. That was perhaps the reason + why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a-dying at Chartres, + called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying + about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywhere within his + reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; by which + resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devils + that were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death. + When the Massorets and Cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the + devils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer + hath been, is, and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the + gate thereof with a flame-like glistering sword in his hand. Although, to + speak in the true diabological sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs + confess and acknowledge that veritably the devils cannot be killed or die + by the stroke of a sword, I do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to + the doctrine of the said diabology, that they may suffer a solution of + continuity (as if with thy shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a + burning fire, or the gross opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure + smoke), and cry out like very devils at their sense and feeling of this + dissolution, which in real deed I must aver and affirm is devilishly + painful, smarting, and dolorous. +</p> +<p> + When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence of + the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think, + Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the + voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clattering + and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the + justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the + clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the + clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses, + with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double + cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively? I cannot goodly deny but that in + these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat + occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies. + But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most + boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all, + and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous + howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion, + waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive + unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those means suffer a solution + of and division in the continuity of their aerial and invisible substances; + as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast + meat on the spit, should get from Mr. Greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles + with a cudgel. They cry out and shout like devils, even as Mars did when + he was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of + him, did then raise his voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously + high than ten thousand men together would have been able to do. What + maketh all this for our present purpose? I have been speaking here of + well-furbished armour and bright shining swords. But so is it not, Friar + John, with thy weapon; for by a long discontinuance of work, cessation from + labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that + practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, for want + of occupation, it is, upon my faith, become more rusty than the key-hole of + an old powdering-tub. Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these + two things: either furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or + otherwise have a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume + to return to the house of Raminagrobis. For my part, I vow I will not go + thither. The devil take me if I go. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0024"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXIV.—How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon. +</h2> +<p> + Having left the town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards + Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to Epistemon, spoke thus: + My most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my + thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not + able to help and succour me? Epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in + hand, represented unto Panurge how the open voice and common fame of the + whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery + of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in + the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the + purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that extravagant + and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a too just + occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next he + would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go apparelled as he + was wont to do. I am, quoth Panurge, my dear gossip Epistemon, of a mind + and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold and to be + unfortunate in my wedlock. For this cause have I made a vow to young St. + Francis—who at Plessis-les-Tours is much reverenced of all women, + earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for he was the first + founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they naturally covet, + affect, and long for—to wear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no + codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and perturbation of + my spirits be fully settled. +</p> +<p> + Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen. + It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto + yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and straying + abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man. This + whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn promise + made by the shag-haired Argives, who, having in their controversy against + the Lacedaemonians for the territory of Thyrea, lost the battle which they + hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to carry never any + hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both + their honour and lands. As likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleasant + Spaniard called Michael Doris, who vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the + shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off. + Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a green and + yellow hood with a hare's ears tied to it, either the aforesaid + vainglorious champion, or that Enguerrant, who having forgot the art and + manner of writing histories set down by the Samosatian philosopher, maketh + a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof. For, at the first + reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it had been broached + for the introducing of a story of great importance and moment concerning + the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change and mutation of + potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world laugheth at the + capricious champion, at the Englishman who had affronted him, as also at + their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth than a mustard + pot. The jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the mountain of + Horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as + a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at which deplorable and + exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole neighbourhood being assembled + in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous production, could at last + perceive no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse. +</p> +<p> + Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks + should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly persuaded that some + flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will I do. It + is now a long time since, by Jupiter Philos (A mistake of the + translator's.—M.), we did swear faith and amity to one another. Give me + your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, Should I marry or no? + Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently + apparent that I find myself too weak and insufficient to give you a + punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and if ever it was true that + judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal art, what was said by + Hippocrates of Lango, it is certainly so in this case. True it is that in + my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be + pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disentangling your mind of those + dubious apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not thoroughly + satisfy me. Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see + his proper genius may know his own destiny. I understand not their + doctrine, nor do I think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable + abuse. I have seen the experience of it in a very curious gentleman of the + country of Estangourre. This is one of the points. There is yet another + not much better. If there were any authority now in the oracles of Jupiter + Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres, + Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in + Syria, between the Branchidians; of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury in + Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in + Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in + Cilicia; of Orpheus in Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; I would in + that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their judgment + concerning the design and enterprise you have in hand. But you know that + they are all of them become as dumb as so many fishes since the advent of + that Saviour King whose coming to this world hath made all oracles and + prophecies to cease; as the approach of the sun's radiant beams expelleth + goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking + spirits, and tenebrions. These now are gone; but although they were as yet + in continuance and in the same power, rule, and request that formerly they + were, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust + in their responses. Too many folks have been deceived thereby. It stands + furthermore upon record how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the + crime of having interrogated the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if + she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius; for which cause + she was first banished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious + death. +</p> +<p> + But, saith Panurge, let us do better. The Ogygian Islands are not far + distant from the haven of Sammalo. Let us, after that we shall have spoken + to our king, make a voyage thither. In one of these four isles, to wit, + that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is reported, + and I have read in good antique and authentic authors, that there reside + many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, and diviners of + things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair chains + of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being nourished with + divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store and abundance + transmitted to him from the heavens, by I do not well know what kind of + fowls,—it may be that they are the same ravens which in the deserts are + said to have fed St. Paul, the first hermit,—he very clearly foretelleth + unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his lot + what his destiny will be, and what future chance the Fates have ordained + for him; for the Parcae, or Weird Sisters, do not twist, spin, or draw out + a thread, nor yet doth Jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything + which the good old celestial father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he + is asleep. This will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we + but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of + this my perplexity. That is, answered Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a + plain abuse and fib too fabulous. I will not go, not I; I will not go. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0025"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXV.—How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa. +</h2> +<p> + Nevertheless, quoth Epistemon, continuing his discourse, I will tell you + what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king. Hard by + here, in the Brown-wheat (Bouchart) Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa. You know + how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others + of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let us talk + a little, and confer with him about your business. Of that, answered + Panurge, I know nothing; but of this much concerning him I am assured, that + one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the great king + of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys and footboys + of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between two doors, jumbled, + one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, who is passable fair, + and a pretty snug hussy. Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all + heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who discoursed boldly + of adventures past, with great confidence opened up present cases and + accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future events and + contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and cunning that he had, to + perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to be very chaste, and + hath not till this hour got notice of anything to the contrary. Yet let us + go to him, seeing you will have it so; for surely we can never learn too + much. They on the very next ensuing day came to Herr Trippa's lodging. + Panurge, by way of donative, presented him with a long gown lined all + through with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and + covered with a velvet scabbard, and with fifty good single angels; then in + a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his opinion touching the + affair. At the very first Herr Trippa, looking on him very wistly in the + face, said unto him: Thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a + cuckold,—I say, of a notorious and infamous cuckold. With this, casting + an eye upon Panurge's right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This + rugged draught which I see here, just under the mount of Jove, was never + yet but in the hand of a cuckold. Afterwards, he with a white lead pen + swiftly and hastily drew a certain number of diverse kinds of points, which + by rules of geomancy he coupled and joined together; then said: Truth + itself is not truer than that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little + after thy marriage. That being done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope of + his nativity, which was no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that, + erecting a figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a + complete fabric of the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he + had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he + fetched a deep sigh, and said: I have clearly enough already discovered + unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot + escape it. And here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that + I may now hardily pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation + at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten + by thine own wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods + from thee; for I find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant + influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace, + according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the + horned signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn. In the fourth house I find + Jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to Saturn, + associated with Mercury. Thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest + fellow, I warrant thee. I will be? answered Panurge. A plague rot thee, + thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art! When + all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their + standard-bearer. But whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two + fingers? This Panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand + betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards + Herr Trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting + into his fist his thumb with the other fingers. Then, in turning to + Epistemon, he said: Lo here the true Olus of Martial, who addicted and + devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and + calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an open + bawdy-house. This varlet is poorer than ever was Irus, and yet he is + proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more + insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, Ptochalazon, which term + of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs. Come, let us + leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to rave + and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted devils, + who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would never + have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is. He hath not + learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, Know thyself; for whilst + he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye of + another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight of + both his eyes. This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch + described. He is of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in foreign + places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common + people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than + any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder + than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all. For their custom was, at their + return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their + eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a pair + of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden slipper + which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging. +</p> +<p> + Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Herr Trippa took into his hand a + tamarisk branch. In this, quoth Epistemon, he doth very well, right, and + like an artist, for Nicander calleth it the divinatory tree. Have you a + mind, quoth Herr Trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and + amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof Aristophanes + in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, of + old in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly tried by + Hermolaus Barbarus. Come hither, and I will show thee in this platterful + of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and sercroupierizing it + with two swaggering ruffians, one after another. Yea, but have a special + care, quoth Panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose within mine arse, + that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles. Herr Trippa, going on in + his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the + Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all + that which at any time did happen or befall unto him. Thou shalt not need + to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and + manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as if I should show it in the + fountain of the temple of Minerva near Patras. By coscinomancy, most + religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient Romans. + Let us have a sieve and shears, and thou shalt see devils. By + alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy, + mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. By astragalomancy, whereof I have + the plots and models all at hand ready for the purpose. By tyromancy, + whereof we make some proof in a great Brehemont cheese which I here keep by + me. By giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest + assure thyself from me that they would fall always on the wrong side. By + sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an + ill-proportioned stomach. By libanomancy, for the which we shall need but + a little frankincense. By gastromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency + was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the + Engastrimythian prophetess. By cephalomancy, often practised amongst the + High Germans in their boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals. By + ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see + the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife, and of + her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades. By capnomancy. O the + gallantest and most excellent of all secrets! By axionomancy; we want only + a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon a quick fire of hot + embers. O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards + Penelope's suitors! By onymancy; for that we have oil and wax. By + tephromancy. Thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft dispersed exhibiting thy + wife in a fine posture. By botanomancy; for the nonce I have some few + leaves in reserve. By sicomancy; O divine art in fig-tree leaves! By + icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias and + Polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the + Dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to Apollo which is in the + territory of the Lycians. By choiromancy; let us have a great many hogs, + and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them. By cheromancy, as the bean + is found in the cake at the Epiphany vigil. By anthropomancy, practised by + the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus. It is somewhat irksome, but thou wilt + endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold. By a + sibylline stichomancy. By onomatomancy. How do they call thee? + Chaw-turd, quoth Panurge. Or yet by alectryomancy. If I should here with + a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot, + divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then + form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly, + posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, I durst + promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted + to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are + set and placed upon these letters, A. C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T. + B.E. And that as fatidically as, under the Emperor Valens, most + perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to + the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles + that were posited on the letters T.H.E.O.D. Or, for the more certainty, + will you have a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury, + or by extispiciny? By turdispiciny, quoth Panurge. Or yet by the mystery + of necromancy? I will, if you please, suddenly set up again and revive + someone lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, and the + Pythoness in the presence of Saul; which body, so raised up and + requickened, will tell us the sum of all you shall require of him: no more + nor less than, at the invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct person + foretold to Pompey the whole progress and issue of the fatal battle fought + in the Pharsalian fields. Or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly + all cuckolds are, I will make use of the faculty of sciomancy. +</p> +<p> + Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be + buggered, filthy Bardachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a + steeple-crowned hat. Why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to + hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish and + provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or to eat + of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those means I + might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, understand the + substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the Arabians in the + country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen brace of devils seize upon the body and + soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and + sorcerer of Antichrist to all the devils of hell! Let us return towards our + king. I am sure he will not be well pleased with us if he once come to get + notice that we have been in the kennel of this muffled devil. I repent my + being come hither. I would willingly dispense with a hundred nobles and + fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the + bottom of my breeches should instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate + his moustaches. O Lord God now! how the villain hath besmoked me with + vexation and anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and + stir of infernal and Tartarian devils! The devil take him! Say Amen, and + let us go drink. I shall not have any appetite for my victuals, how good + cheer soever I make, these two days to come,—hardly these four. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0026"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXVI.—How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels. +</h2> +<p> + Panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words + of Herr Trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of + Huymes, after he had made his address to Friar John, in pecking at, + rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, Keep me a + little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains + altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical + puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool. Hearken, + my dainty cod. +</p> +<pre> +Mellow C. Varnished C. Resolute C. +Lead-coloured C. Renowned C. Cabbage-like C. +Knurled C. Matted C. Courteous C. +Suborned C. Genitive C. Fertile C. +Desired C. Gigantal C. Whizzing C. +Stuffed C. Oval C. Neat C. +Speckled C. Claustral C. Common C. +Finely metalled C. Virile C. Brisk C. +Arabian-like C. Stayed C. Quick C. +Trussed-up Grey- Massive C. Bearlike C. + hound-like C. Manual C. Partitional C. +Mounted C. Absolute C. Patronymic C. +Sleeked C. Well-set C. Cockney C. +Diapered C. Gemel C. Auromercuriated C. +Spotted C. Turkish C. Robust C. +Master C. Burning C. Appetizing C. +Seeded C. Thwacking C. Succourable C. +Lusty C. Urgent C. Redoubtable C. +Jupped C. Handsome C. Affable C. +Milked C. Prompt C. Memorable C. +Calfeted C. Fortunate C. Palpable C. +Raised C. Boxwood C. Barbable C. +Odd C. Latten C. Tragical C. +Steeled C. Unbridled C. Transpontine C. +Stale C. Hooked C. Digestive C. +Orange-tawny C. Researched C. Active C. +Embroidered C. Encompassed C. Vital C. +Glazed C. Strouting out C. Magistral C. +Interlarded C. Jolly C. Monachal C. +Burgher-like C. Lively C. Subtle C. +Empowdered C. Gerundive C. Hammering C. +Ebonized C. Franked C. Clashing C. +Brasiliated C. Polished C. Tingling C. +Organized C. Powdered Beef C. Usual C. +Passable C. Positive C. Exquisite C. +Trunkified C. Spared C. Trim C. +Furious C. Bold C. Succulent C. +Packed C. Lascivious C. Factious C. +Hooded C. Gluttonous C. Clammy C. +Fat C. Boulting C. New-vamped C. +High-prized C. Snorting C. Improved C. +Requisite C. Pilfering C. Malling C. +Laycod C. Shaking C. Sounding C. +Hand-filling C. Bobbing C. Battled C. +Insuperable C. Chiveted C. Burly C. +Agreeable C. Fumbling C. Seditious C. +Formidable C. Topsyturvying C. Wardian C. +Profitable C. Raging C. Protective C. +Notable C. Piled up C. Twinkling C. +Musculous C. Filled up C. Able C. +Subsidiary C. Manly C. Algoristical C. +Satiric C. Idle C. Odoriferous C. +Repercussive C. Membrous C. Pranked C. +Convulsive C. Strong C. Jocund C. +Restorative C. Twin C. Routing C. +Masculinating C. Belabouring C. Purloining C. +Incarnative C. Gentle C. Frolic C. +Sigillative C. Stirring C. Wagging C. +Sallying C. Confident C. Ruffling C. +Plump C. Nimble C. Jumbling C. +Thundering C. Roundheaded C. Rumbling C. +Lechering C. Figging C. Thumping C. +Fulminating C. Helpful C. Bumping C. +Sparkling C. Spruce C. Cringeling C. +Ramming C. Plucking C. Berumpling C. +Lusty C. Ramage C. Jogging C. +Household C. Fine C. Nobbing C. +Pretty C. Fierce C. Touzing C. +Astrolabian C. Brawny C. Tumbling C. +Algebraical C. Compt C. Fambling C. +Venust C. Repaired C. Overturning C. +Aromatizing C. Soft C. Shooting C. +Tricksy C. Wild C. Culeting C. +Paillard C. Renewed C. Jagged C. +Gaillard C. Quaint C. Pinked C. +Broaching C. Starting C. Arsiversing C. +Addle C. Fleshy C. Polished C. +Syndicated C. Auxiliary C. Slashed C. +Hamed C. Stuffed C. Clashing C. +Leisurely C. Well-fed C. Wagging C. +Cut C. Flourished C. Scriplike C. +Smooth C. Fallow C. Encremastered C. +Depending C. Sudden C. Bouncing C. +Independent C. Graspful C. Levelling C. +Lingering C. Swillpow C. Fly-flap C. +Rapping C. Crushing C. Perinae-tegminal C. +Reverend C. Creaking C. Squat-couching C. +Nodding C. Dilting C. Short-hung C. +Disseminating C. Ready C. The hypogastrian C. +Affecting C. Vigorous C. Witness-bearing C. +Affected C. Skulking C. Testigerous C. +Grappled C. Superlative C. Instrumental C. +</pre> +<p> + My harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, Friar John, my friend, I + do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart. + Thy counsel I hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have I + reserved it for the last bit. Give me thy advice freely, I beseech thee, + Should I marry or no? Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly + cheerfulness, made this answer to him: Marry, in the devil's name. Why + not? What the devil else shouldst thou do but marry? Take thee a wife, + and furbish her harness to some tune. Swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert + beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her + resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were + hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks. As I say marry, so do I understand + that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is + that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very + day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make + provision of bedsteads. By the blood of a hog's-pudding, till when wouldst + thou delay the acting of a husband's part? Dost thou not know, and is it + not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world approacheth? We are + nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we were two days ago. The + Antichrist is already born; at least it is so reported by many. The truth + is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further than to + the scratching of his nurse and governesses. His nails are not sharp + enough as yet, nor have his claws attained to their full growth,—he is + little. +</p> +<pre> + Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur. +</pre> +<p> + It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you; the truth whereof is + like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a + puncheon of pure wine for threepence. Wouldst thou be content to be found + with thy genitories full in the day of judgment? Dum venerit judicari? + Thou hast, quoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar John, my + metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose. + That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst he + was swimming through the Hellespontic sea to make a visit to his sweetheart + Hero of Sestus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the other marine + gods, thus: +</p> +<pre> + Now, whilst I go, have pity on me, + And at my back returning drown me. +</pre> +<p> + He was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged. He was to be + commended; therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no malefactor shall + by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, who shall + not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and + foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to write + a Greek Y. Such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away. He + will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out + of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0027"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXVII.—How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge. +</h2> +<p> + By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dear + friend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place. Only have + a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of + the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so + strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean + thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul. For if there pass long intervals + betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too + large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they desist + from giving suck to children—they lose their milk; and if continually thou + do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy + lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to + piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar's + scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it; + for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do + what they would, because before they did not what they might have done: Ex + desuetudine amittuntur privilegia. Non-usage oftentimes destroys one's + right, say the learned doctors of the law; therefore, my billy, entertain + as well as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic + people, that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal + labouring. Give order that henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen, + idly upon their rents and revenues, but that they may work for their + livelihood by breaking ground within the Paphian trenches. Nay truly, + answered Panurge, Friar John, my left ballock, I will believe thee, for + thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright square upon the business, + without going about the bush with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary + reservations. Thou with the splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated + all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did + intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to + thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune. Well then, as thou + hast said, so will I do; I will, in good faith, marry,—in that point there + shall be no failing, I promise thee,—and shall have always by me pretty + girls clothed with the name of my wife's waiting-maids, that, lying under + thy wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood. +</p> +<p> + Let this serve for the first part of the sermon. Hearken, quoth Friar + John, to the oracle of the bells of Varenes. What say they? I hear and + understand them, quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more + uprightly fatidical than that of Jove's great kettles in Dodona. Hearken! + Take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou + marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find + good; so marry, marry. I will assure thee that I shall be married; all the + elements invite and prompt me to it. Let this word be to thee a brazen + wall, by diffidence not to be broken through. As for the second part of + this our doctrine,—thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness + of my paternity in the practising of my placket-racket within the + Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of + gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, favour me so much as to + believe that I still have him at a beck, attending always my commandments, + docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things and everywhere, and + never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure. I need no more but to + let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point, and when + the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will not fail + even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose. + Hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable and + gluttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was the + Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and I + desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to + overlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please + her. I am not ignorant that Solomon said, who indeed of that matter + speaketh clerklike and learnedly,—as also how Aristotle after him declared + for a truth that, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous + and unsatisfiable. Nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read those + passages receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Jill + have a fit Jack; and that, if women's things cannot be satiated, I have an + instrument indefatigable,—an implement as copious in the giving as can in + craving be their vade mecums. Do not here produce ancient examples of the + paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability + the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus + Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had + the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian + trust the rogue,—the filthy ribald rascal is a liar. Nor shalt thou need + to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince of + whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify, that with the help of a + certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, to + toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence + above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours. Of + that I believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally + foisted in. Give no faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in + this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and + probatum est, that my pioneer of nature—the sacred ithyphallian champion + —is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest. Come hither, my ballocket, + and hearken. Didst thou ever see the monk of Castre's cowl? When in any + house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all or covertly out + of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating + and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the whole + inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all the + circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, did suddenly + enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to the dogs and + hogs, rats and cats. +</p> +<p> + I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in my + codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular + and of a greater anomaly than what I have related. I will not speak to + thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell + thee, that once at the representation of the Passion, which was acted at + Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but + that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all + that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into such an + exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, devil, nor + deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched it with all + their heart and soul. The prompter forsook his copy, he who played + Michael's part came down to rights, the devils issued out of hell and + carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were there; + yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge disorder, I + disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of Cato the + Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralian festivals + out of order, withdrew himself. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0028"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXVIII.—How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry. +</h2> +<p> + I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things + plain. The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and + decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise, + yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods + hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss. I see thee waxing a + little hoar-headed already. Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white, + tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the + terrestrial globe or geographical chart. Look attentively upon and take + inspection of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia. Here are + Tigris and Euphrates. Lo there Afric. Here is the mountain of the Moon, + —yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus. On this side lieth + Europe. Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme? This little tuft, which + is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my + thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the + chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys + and low countries of the codpiece. By the kibes of thy heels, quoth + Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. When snow is on the tops of + the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and + all the devils of hell rage in the valleys. Wouldst thou see the + experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and earnestly + perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of Wunderberlich, + about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the land. Thou + twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I am of the nature + of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and + vigorous tail. The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny it), that I + now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age. Tell + this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret + betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my + taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to + do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful + apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine. Note + and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the west + and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine + age is past. But what then, my gentle companion? That doth but betoken + that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is not, the devil hale + it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches. The + thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is, + that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs + bear company should he go to all the devils of Barathrum), my future wife + shall make me a cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and short on't. For + I am by all those whom I have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned + fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am + predestinated. Everyone, answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is + not one. If it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned + cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and + Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her. Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt + be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers. And finally + with this other Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise. + These are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister. Thou mayst take more + liberty to sin. Thou shalt be more at ease than ever. There will be never + the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase + notably. And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so + impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny? Speak, thou jaded cod. +</p> +<pre> + Faded C. Louting C. Appellant C. + Mouldy C. Discouraged C. Swagging C. + Musty C. Surfeited C. Withered C. + Paltry C. Peevish C. Broken-reined C. + Senseless C. Translated C. Defective C. + Foundered C. Forlorn C. Crestfallen C. + Distempered C. Unsavoury C. Felled C. + Bewrayed C. Worm-eaten C. Fleeted C. + Inveigled C. Overtoiled C. Cloyed C. + Dangling C. Miserable C. Squeezed C. + Stupid C. Steeped C. Resty C. + Seedless C. Kneaded-with-cold- Pounded C. + Soaked C. water C. Loose C. + Coldish C. Hacked C. Fruitless C. + Pickled C. Flaggy C. Riven C. + Churned C. Scrubby C. Pursy C. + Filliped C. Drained C. Fusty C. + Singlefied C. Haled C. Jadish C. + Begrimed C. Lolling C. Fistulous C. + Wrinkled C. Drenched C. Languishing C. + Fainted C. Burst C. Maleficiated C. + Extenuated C. Stirred up C. Hectic C. + Grim C. Mitred C. Worn out C. + Wasted C. Peddlingly furnished Ill-favoured C. + Inflamed C. C. Duncified C. + Unhinged C. Rusty C. Macerated C. + Scurfy C. Exhausted C. Paralytic C. + Straddling C. Perplexed C. Degraded C. + Putrefied C. Unhelved C. Benumbed C. + Maimed C. Fizzled C. Bat-like C. + Overlechered C. Leprous C. Fart-shotten C. + Druggely C. Bruised C. Sunburnt C. + Mitified C. Spadonic C. Pacified C. + Goat-ridden C. Boughty C. Blunted C. + Weakened C. Mealy C. Rankling tasted C. + Ass-ridden C. Wrangling C. Rooted out C. + Puff-pasted C. Gangrened C. Costive C. + St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C. Hailed on C. + Untriped C. Ragged C. Cuffed C. + Blasted C. Quelled C. Buffeted C. + Cut off C. Braggadocio C. Whirreted C. + Beveraged C. Beggarly C. Robbed C. + Scarified C. Trepanned C. Neglected C. + Dashed C. Bedusked C. Lame C. + Slashed C. Emasculated C. Confused C. + Enfeebled C. Corked C. Unsavoury C. + Whore-hunting C. Transparent C. Overthrown C. + Deteriorated C. Vile C. Boulted C. + Chill C. Antedated C. Trod under C. + Scrupulous C. Chopped C. Desolate C. + Crazed C. Pinked C. Declining C. + Tasteless C. Cup-glassified C. Stinking C. + Sorrowful C. Harsh C. Crooked C. + Murdered C. Beaten C. Brabbling C. + Matachin-like C. Barred C. Rotten C. + Besotted C. Abandoned C. Anxious C. + Customerless C. Confounded C. Clouted C. + Minced C. Loutish C. Tired C. + Exulcerated C. Borne down C. Proud C. + Patched C. Sparred C. Fractured C. + Stupified C. Abashed C. Melancholy C. + Annihilated C. Unseasonable C. Coxcombly C. + Spent C. Oppressed C. Base C. + Foiled C. Grated C. Bleaked C. + Anguished C. Falling away C. Detested C. + Disfigured C. Smallcut C. Diaphanous C. + Disabled C. Disordered C. Unworthy C. + Forceless C. Latticed C. Checked C. + Censured C. Ruined C. Mangled C. + Cut C. Exasperated C. Turned over C. + Rifled C. Rejected C. Harried C. + Undone C. Belammed C. Flawed C. + Corrected C. Fabricitant C. Froward C. + Slit C. Perused C. Ugly C. + Skittish C. Emasculated C. Drawn C. + Spongy C. Roughly handled C. Riven C. + Botched C. Examined C. Distasteful C. + Dejected C. Cracked C. Hanging C. + Jagged C. Wayward C. Broken C. + Pining C. Haggled C. Limber C. + Deformed C. Gleaning C. Effeminate C. + Mischieved C. Ill-favoured C. Kindled C. + Cobbled C. Pulled C. Evacuated C. + Embased C. Drooping C. Grieved C. + Ransacked C. Faint C. Carking C. + Despised C. Parched C. Disorderly C. + Mangy C. Paltry C. Empty C. + Abased C. Cankered C. Disquieted C. + Supine C. Void C. Besysted C. + Mended C. Vexed C. Confounded C. + Dismayed C. Bestunk C. Hooked C. + Divorous C. Winnowed C. Unlucky C. + Wearied C. Decayed C. Sterile C. + Sad C. Disastrous C. Beshitten C. + Cross C. Unhandsome C. Appeased C. + Vain-glorious C. Stummed C. Caitiff C. + Poor C. Barren C. Woeful C. + Brown C. Wretched C. Unseemly C. + Shrunken C. Feeble C. Heavy C. + Abhorred C. Cast down C. Weak C. + Troubled C. Stopped C. Prostrated C. + Scornful C. Kept under C. Uncomely C. + Dishonest C. Stubborn C. Naughty C. + Reproved C. Ground C. Laid flat C. + Cocketed C. Retchless C. Suffocated C. + Filthy C. Weather-beaten C. Held down C. + Shred C. Flayed C. Barked C. + Chawned C. Bald C. Hairless C. + Short-winded C. Tossed C. Flamping C. + Branchless C. Flapping C. Hooded C. + Chapped C. Cleft C. Wormy C. + Failing C. Meagre C. Besysted C. +</pre> +<p> + (In his anxiety to swell his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas + Urquhart has set down this word twice.) +</p> +<pre> + Deficient C. Dumpified C. Faulty C. + Lean C. Suppressed C. Bemealed C. + Consumed C. Hagged C. Mortified C. + Used C. Jawped C. Scurvy C. + Puzzled C. Havocked C. Bescabbed C. + Allayed C. Astonished C. Torn C. + Spoiled C. Dulled C. Subdued C. + Clagged C. Slow C. Sneaking C. + Palsy-stricken C. Plucked up C. Bare C. + Amazed C. Constipated C. Swart C. + Bedunsed C. Blown C. Smutched C. + Extirpated C. Blockified C. Raised up C. + Banged C. Pommelled C. Chopped C. + Stripped C. All-to-bemauled C. Flirted C. + Hoary C. Fallen away C. Blained C. + Blotted C. Stale C. Rensy C. + Sunk in C. Corrupted C. Frowning C. + Ghastly C. Beflowered C. Limping C. + Unpointed C. Amated C. Ravelled C. + Beblistered C. Blackish C. Rammish C. + Wizened C. Underlaid C. Gaunt C. + Beggar-plated C. Loathing C. Beskimmered C. + Douf C. Ill-filled C. Scraggy C. + Clarty C. Bobbed C. Lank C. + Lumpish C. Mated C. Swashering C. + Abject C. Tawny C. Moiling C. + Side C. Whealed C. Swinking C. + Choked up C. Besmeared C. Harried C. + Backward C. Hollow C. Tugged C. + Prolix C. Pantless C. Towed C. + Spotted C. Guizened C. Misused C. + Crumpled C. Demiss C. Adamitical C. + Frumpled C. Refractory C. +</pre> +<p> + Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed + by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them + retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the + intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning + quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel + and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird + Sister-Parcae? What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod? Thou + wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended + to have done. Come hither, billicullion. Whether wouldst thou be jealous + without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the one nor + the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be. But if I get an inkling of + the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of + wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel. In + good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be + my best not to marry. Hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we + are nearer to them! Do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry, + marry not, not, not, not, not. If thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry, + carry; thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent it! If thou marry, thou a + cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be. By the worthy + wrath of God, I begin to be angry. This campanilian oracle fretteth me to + the guts,—a March hare was never in such a chafe as I am. O how I am + vexed! You monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity, + have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in + heads? Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so + destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of + this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and + banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall. +</p> +<p> + I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by + means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy + knowledge and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth + Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech + thee. Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel's ring upon thy finger, who was + the King of Melinda's chief jeweller. Besides that this Hans Carvel had + the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary's + profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific + person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a + prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous, + charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and + a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world. He was somewhat + gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of + his body. In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of Concordat's + daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat, + smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper, + graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind—a little too much—to her + neighbours and acquaintance. +</p> +<p> + Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that + Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very + profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring + with others. To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical + stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto + her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the + praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in + commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious + women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with + pure oriental sapphires. Notwithstanding all this, he found her always + more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that + day by day his jealousy increased. In sequel whereof, one night as he was + lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous + deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt + that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full + the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe + awry. The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give + him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying, + Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,—whilst thou carriest it upon that + finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself + without thy special knowledge and consent. Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my + lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger. The + devil vanished, as is his custom; and then Hans Carvel, full of joy + awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within + the what-do-by-call-it of his wife. I did forget to tell thee how his + wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her + buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing + which should be put up in that place. With this Hans Carvel thought that + some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him. Is not this an + infallible and sovereign antidote? Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in + imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy + wife's commodity upon thy finger. When that was said, their discourse and + their way ended. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0029"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXIX.—How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was. +</h2> +<p> + No sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made + report unto Pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him + the response of Raminagrobis. When Pantagruel had read it over and over + again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he + said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any + answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment. For in + this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully + enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the + project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole + arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in + the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in + either his assent to or dissent from it. Such always hath been my opinion + to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this + same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour + it within your mind. I know for certain, and therefore may I with the + greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love, + is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you. +</p> +<p> + Let us do otherwise, and that is this: Whatever we are, or have, + consisteth in three things—the soul, the body, and the goods. Now, for + the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men + ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended + to his charge. Theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the + welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods. Hence it is + that it is my resolution to have on Sunday next with me at dinner a divine, + a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus together we + may in every point and particle confer at large of your perplexity. By + Saint Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do any good that way, I see + it already. And you see yourself how the world is vilely abused, as when + with a foxtail one claps another's breech to cajole him. We give our souls + to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part are heretics. Our + bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves take any physic. + And then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law against + one another. You speak like a courtier, quoth Pantagruel. But the first + point of your assertion is to be denied; for we daily see how good + theologues make it their chief business, their whole and sole employment, + by their deeds, their words, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies + out of the hearts of men, and in their stead profoundly plant the true and + lively faith. The second point you spoke of I commend; for, whereas the + professors of the art of medicine give so good order to the prophylactic, + or conservative part of their faculty, in what concerneth their proper + healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other branch, + which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments. As for the third, I + grant it to be true, for learned advocates and counsellors at law are so + much taken up with the affairs of others in their consultations, pleadings, + and such-like patrocinations of those who are their clients, that they have + no leisure to attend any controversies of their own. Therefore, on the + next ensuing Sunday, let the divine be our godly Father Hippothadee, the + physician our honest Master Rondibilis, and our legist our friend + Bridlegoose. Nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the + Pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to the three afore-named + doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the philosopher Trouillogan; + especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is Trouillogan, is able + positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you can propose. Carpalin, + have you a care to have them here all four on Sunday next at dinner, + without fail. +</p> +<p> + I believe, quoth Epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the + corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four. Which I + speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and + accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective + discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein + without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and + surpass all others), as for that Rondibilis is married now, who before was + not,—Hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,—Bridlegoose was married + once, but is not now,—and Trouillogan is married now, who wedded was to + another wife before. Sir, if it may stand with your good liking, I will + ease Carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite Bridlegoose myself, + with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto + whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful youth who now studieth + at Toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor Boissonet. Do what you + deem most expedient, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me if my recommendation can + in anything be steadable for the promoval of the good of that youth, or + otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and office of the worthy + Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most + sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant. Sir, I will use therein my + best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0030"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXX.—How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his nuptial enterprise. +</h2> +<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-30-322.jpg" height="916" width="608" +alt="Rondibilus the Physician--3-30-322 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the + afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them, + Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of Fonsbeton. At + the ushering in of the second service Panurge, making a low reverence, + spake thus: Gentlemen, the question I am to propound unto you shall be + uttered in very few words—Should I marry or no? If my doubt herein be not + resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the + Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out + from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so + many picked peas on a carpet. +</p> +<p> + The Father Hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and with + much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this + manner: My friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you + must consult with yourself. Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your + body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh? That I do, + quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure. Be not + offended, I beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression. No + truly, friend, not I, quoth Hippothadee, there is no reason why I should be + displeased therewith. But in this carnal strife and debate of yours have + you obtained from God the gift and special grace of continency? In good + faith, not, quoth Panurge. My counsel to you in that case, my friend, is + that you marry, quoth Hippothadee; for you should rather choose to marry + once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence. Then Panurge, with a + jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, without + circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its centred + point. Gramercy, my good father! In truth I am resolved now to marry, and + without fail I shall do it quickly. I invite you to my wedding. By the + body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets. You + shall wear the bridegroom's colours, and, if we eat a goose, my wife shall + not roast it for me. I will entreat you to lead up the first dance of the + bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much favour and honour. + There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, yea, even less than + nothing, whereof I humbly crave your resolution. Shall I be a cuckold, + father, yea or no? By no means, answered Hippothadee, will you be + cuckolded, if it please God. O the Lord help us now, quoth Panurge; + whither are we driven to, good folks? To the conditionals, which, + according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all + contradictions and impossibilities. If my Transalpine mule had wings, my + Transalpine mule would fly, if it please God, I shall not be a cuckold; but + I shall be a cuckold, if it please him. Good God, if this were a condition + which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, nor would + I despair. But you here send me to God's privy council, to the closet of + his little pleasures. You, my French countrymen, which is the way you take + to go thither? +</p> +<p> + My honest father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my wedding. + The clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but disturb + you, and break the serious fancies of your brain. You love repose, with + solitude and silence; I really believe you will not come. And then you + dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first + entry. I will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the + bride's favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand with + your good liking. My friend, quoth Hippothadee, take my words in the sense + wherein I meant them, and do not misinterpret me. When I tell you,—If it + please God,—do I to you any wrong therein? Is it an ill expression? Is + it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto the world? Do + not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty, Creator, Protector, and + Conserver of all things? Is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him + to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good? Do not we in that manifest + our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and + incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be produced, nor + after its production be of any value, force, or power, without the + concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace? Is it not a canonical + and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our undertakings? Is + it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be still referred to + what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of God, unto which all things + must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the earth? Is not that verily + a sanctifying of his holy name? My friend, you shall not be a cuckold, if + it please God, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good + will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously + hidden secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to + consult with those of his celestial privy council, or expressly make a + voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order is given for the effectuating + of his most holy pleasures. The great God hath done us this good, that he + hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described + them in the Holy Bible. There will you find that you shall never be a + cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall never be a strumpet, if you make + choice of one of a commendable extraction, descended of honest parents, and + instructed in all piety and virtue—such a one as hath not at any time + haunted or frequented the company or conversation of those that are of + corrupt and depraved manners, one loving and fearing God, who taketh a + singular delight in drawing near to him by faith and the cordial observing + of his sacred commandments—and finally, one who, standing in awe of the + Divine Majesty of the Most High, will be loth to offend him and lose the + favourable kindness of his grace through any defect of faith or + transgression against the ordinances of his holy law, wherein adultery is + most rigorously forbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most + strictly and severely enjoined; yea, in such sort that she is to cherish, + serve, and love him above anything, next to God, that meriteth to be + beloved. In the interim, for the better schooling of her in these + instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of a matrimonial duty may + take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yourself so on your + part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a + good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly with a conjugal amity, by + continually approving yourself in all your words and actions a faithful and + discreet husband; and by living, not only at home and privately with your + own household and family, but in the face also of all men and open view of + the world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as you would have her on her + side to deport and to demean herself towards you, as becomes a godly, + loyal, and respectful wife, who maketh conscience to keep inviolable the + tie of a matrimonial oath. For as that looking-glass is not the best which + is most decked with gold and precious stones, but that which representeth + to the eye the liveliest shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife + should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she + who, fearing God, conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband. +</p> +<p> + Consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from Jupiter, Mars, + Mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid + stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only, + the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the + manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations. Just so should + you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion, + that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an exemplary + goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of all other + women. To this effect you daily must implore God's grace to the protection + of you both. You would have me then, quoth Panurge, twisting the whiskers + of his beard on either side with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand, + to espouse and take to wife the prudent frugal woman described by Solomon. + Without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance I never saw + her; the Lord forgive me! Nevertheless, I thank you, father. Eat this + slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you be + presented with a cup of claret hippocras, which is right healthful and + stomachal. Let us proceed. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0031"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXI.—How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. +</h2> +<p> + Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The first word which was spoken by + him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of Saussiniac, after that he + had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, was this, To the rest. In like manner, I + say, To the rest. Therefore I beseech you, my good Master Rondibilis, + should I marry or not? By the raking pace of my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I + know not what answer to make to this problem of yours. +</p> +<p> + You say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which + you are stirred up to venery. I find in our faculty of medicine, and we + have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final + decision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and + quelled five several ways. +</p> +<p> + First, By the means of wine. I shall easily believe that, quoth Friar + John, for when I am well whittled with the juice of the grape I care for + nothing else, so I may sleep. When I say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine + abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy + proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought + upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a + slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness + and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of + the muscles—all which are great lets and impediments to the act of + generation. Hence it is that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and + drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman's habit, + as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch. Wine, + nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is + implied by the old proverb, which saith that Venus takes cold when not + accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus. This opinion is of great antiquity, as + appeareth by the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by + Pausanias, and universally held amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Priapus + was the son of Bacchus and Venus. +</p> +<p> + Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs, + and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable + to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the + water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine, + honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin + of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses + proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being + duly and seasonably received within the body—what by their elementary + virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other—do either + benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or scatter + and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted + the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its reception, or + lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and conduits + through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and ejected. + We have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a contrary + operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, quicken the + senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, excite, and + enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of amorous + dalliance. I have no need of those, quoth Panurge, God be thanked, and + you, my good master. Howsoever, I pray you, take no exception or offence + at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any illwill I did + bear to you, the Lord he knows. +</p> +<p> + Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent + labour and continual toiling. For by painful exercises and laborious + working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the + blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the + nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time, + leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the + third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the conservation + of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the + propagating of the species and the multiplication of humankind. Whence it + is that Diana is said to be chaste, because she is never idle, but always + busied about her hunting. For the same reason was a camp or leaguer of old + called castrum, as if they would have said castum; because the soldiers, + wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other such-like athletic + champions as are usually seen in a military circumvallation, do incessantly + travail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation. To this + purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his book, De Aere, Aqua et Locis, that + in his time there were people in Scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the + discharge of a venerean exploit, because that without any cessation, pause, + or respite they were never from off horseback, or otherwise assiduously + employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery. +</p> +<p> + On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers + say that idleness is the mother of luxury. When it was asked Ovid, Why + Aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, Because he + was idle. Who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness might + easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his designs, aims, engines, + and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, and darts + should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to him, for that + it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either sex + with all the arms he had. He is not, I believe, so expert an archer as + that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young stags + skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; that + is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, restless, and + without repose. He must have those hushed, still, quiet, lying at a stay, + lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his mother help him, to + touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows. In confirmation hereof, + Theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of beast or thing he judged a + toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that it was a passion of idle + and sluggish spirits. From which pretty description of tickling + love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant, when he + defined lechery the occupation of folks destitute of all other occupation. + For this cause the Syconian engraver Canachus, being desirous to give us to + understand that sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness were the prime + guardians and governesses of ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not + standing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, but sitting. +</p> +<p> + Fourthly, The tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager + study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits, + that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push + and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto + appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is + to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny. Lest you + should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the form, + fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some learned + meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the + arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of a + crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate, + furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and + fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules + of the common sense,—of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy,—of the + ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,—as likewise of the memory, + recordation, and remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and + agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those + pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful anatomists are perceivable + at the end of the wonderful net where all the arteries close in a + terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise and origin from the + left capsule of the heart, bring through several circuits, ambages, and + anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine them to the ethereal + purity of animal spirits. Nay, in such a studiously musing person you may + espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out of himself, that all his + natural faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their + proper charge and office, and his exterior senses to be at a stand. In a + word, you cannot otherwise choose than think that he is by an extraordinary + ecstasy quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that + Socrates did not speak improperly when he said that philosophy was nothing + else but a meditation upon death. This possibly is the reason why + Democritus deprived himself of the sense of seeing, prizing at a much lower + rate the loss of his sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which + he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of + his unsettled and roving eyes. Therefore is it that Pallas, the goddess of + wisdom, tutoress and guardianess of such as are diligently studious and + painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a virgin. The + Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the + Graces, for the like reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal + pudicity. +</p> +<p> + I remember to have read that Cupid, on a time being asked of his mother + Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his answer was that he + found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so + modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied + and employed,—one in the speculation of the stars,—another in the + supputation of numbers,—the third in the dimension of geometrical + quantities,—the fourth in the composition of heroic poems,—the fifth in + the jovial interludes of a comic strain,—the sixth in the stately gravity + of a tragic vein,—the seventh in the melodious disposition of musical + airs,—the eighth in the completest manner of writing histories and books + on all sorts of subjects,—and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and + curiosities of all sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever, + whether liberal or mechanic,—that approaching near unto them he unbended + his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through mere shame + and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice. Which + done, he thereafter put off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to + look them in the face, and to hear their melody and poetic odes. There + took he the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times he was + transported with their beauty and pretty behaviour, and charmed asleep by + the harmony; so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their + studies. Under this article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the + afore-cited treatise concerning the Scythians; as also that in a book of + his entitled Of Breeding and Production, where he hath affirmed all such + men to be unfit for generation as have their parotid arteries cut—whose + situation is beside the ears—for the reason given already when I was + speaking of the resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood + whereof the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise + he doth maintain a large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and + descend from the brains and backbone. +</p> +<p> + Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery. There did I + wait for you, quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, whilst + anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding. + That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, which Father Scyllino, Prior + of Saint Victor at Marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration and taming + of the flesh. I am of the same opinion,—and so was the hermit of Saint + Radegonde, a little above Chinon; for, quoth he, the hermits of Thebaide + can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the pride of their + bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous sensuality, or depress and + overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the flesh, than by duffling and + fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty times a day. I see Panurge, + quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured and proportioned in all the members of + his body, of a good temperament in his humours, well-complexioned in his + spirits, of a competent age, in an opportune time, and of a reasonably + forward mind to be married. Truly, if he encounter with a wife of the like + nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children + worthy of some transpontine monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be + the better for him, and the more conducible for his profit if he would see + and have his children in his own time well provided for. Sir, my worthy + master, quoth Panurge, I will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that + quickly enough, I warrant you. Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the + uttering of your learned discourse, this flea which I have in mine ear hath + tickled me more than ever. I retain you in the number of my festival + guests, and promise you that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer + enough, yea, over and above the ordinary rate. And, if it may please you, + desire your wife to come along with you, together with her she-friends and + neighbours—that is to be understood—and there shall be fair play. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0032"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXII.—How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances of marriage. +</h2> +<p> + There remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one small + scruple to be cleared. You have seen heretofore, I doubt not, in the Roman + standards, S.P.Q.R., Si, Peu, Que, Rien. Shall not I be a cuckold? By the + haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? If you + shall be a cuckold? My noble friend, I am married, and you are like to be + so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the matter, + to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, There is no + married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a cuckold. Cuckoldry + naturally attendeth marriage. The shadow doth not more naturally follow + the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place fair horns upon + the husbands' heads. +</p> +<p> + And when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, He + is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a + cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true + consequences. Tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries Panurge, what do + you tell me? My dear friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates on a time + was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to visit + the philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend + Dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of his + absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who were an + honourable couple and of good repute; because I would not have her at my + home, said he, to make abode in solitude. Yet, notwithstanding this her + residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful + care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she + shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her. + Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust her virtue, or that I seem to have any + diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,—for of that I have + frequently had good and real proofs,—but I must freely tell you, She is a + woman. There lies the suspicion. +</p> +<p> + My worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and + represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this, + that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all the + cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and + presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but + that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist + from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb, + and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even as + the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in the + heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from him, + shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest + splendour whilst it is night. Thus women are but women. +</p> +<p> + When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so + changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion + Nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence which + is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had traced + formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of providential + judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she + built, framed, and made up the woman. And having thought upon it a hundred + and five times, I know not what else to determine therein, save only that + in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing of the woman she hath + had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the + delightful consortship and sociable delectation of the man, than to the + perfection and accomplishment of the individual womanishness or muliebrity. + The divine philosopher Plato was doubtful in what rank of living creatures + to place and collocate them, whether amongst the rational animals, by + elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical classis of humanity, or + with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower bench on the opposite + side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality. For nature hath posited in a + privy, secret, and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of member, by + some not impertinently termed an animal, which is not to be found in men. + Therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish, + clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that + by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling + mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for the said member is altogether + sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling), their whole body is shaken + and ebrangled, their senses totally ravished and transported, the + operations of their judgment and understanding utterly confounded, and all + disordinate passions and perturbations of the mind thoroughly and + absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort that if + nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their + forehead with a little tincture of bashfulness and modesty, you should see + them in a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and hie apace up and down + with haste and lust, in quest of and to fix some chamber-standard in their + Paphian ground, that never did the Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean + Thyades deport themselves in the time of their bacchanalian festivals more + shamelessly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because + this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union with all the chief and + most principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is evident. Let it not + here be thought strange that I should call it an animal, seeing therein I + do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and + peripatetic philosophers. For if a proper motion be a certain mark and + infallible token of the life and animation of the mover, as Aristotle + writeth, and that any such thing as moveth of itself ought to be held + animated and of a living nature, then assuredly Plato with very good reason + did give it the denomination of an animal, for that he perceived and + observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of suffocation, + precipitation, corrugation, and of indignation so extremely violent, that + oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the woman all other sense and + moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing + syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced + death. +</p> +<p> + Furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of + scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is + rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells. It is not + unknown to me how Cl. Galen striveth with might and main to prove that + these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from + the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance. Nor hath it escaped my + notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of + their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or + perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a + various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the + diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it. Nevertheless, if + you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's + balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that + they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like + nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to check + and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into the + solid truth. +</p> +<p> + I will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this + dispute, only will I tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean + and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living + chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range, + and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient, + submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason. Therefore here will I + make an end of my discourse thereon, when I shall have told you that the + said animal being once satiated—if it be possible that it can be contented + or satisfied—by that aliment which nature hath provided for it out of the + epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and irregular and disordered + motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its vehement and unruly + longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the furious and raging + lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished. + For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual + danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have not + wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and expectation of that voracious + animal. Odds fish! quoth Panurge, have you no preventive cure in all your + medicinal art for hindering one's head to be horny-graffed at home whilst + his feet are plodding abroad? Yes, that I have, my gallant friend, + answered Rondibilis, and that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof I + frequently make use myself; and, that you may the better relish, it is set + down and written in the book of a most famous author, whose renown is of a + standing of two thousand years. Hearken and take good heed. You are, + quoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and I love you with all + my heart. Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very proper and + convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the ventricle of the + stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which is in that sort + of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction. But what? I think I + speak Latin before clerks. Stay till I give you somewhat to drink out of + this Nestorian goblet. Will you have another draught of white hippocras? + Be not afraid of the squinzy, no. There is neither squinant, ginger, nor + grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and some of the best refined + sugar, with the delicious white wine of the growth of that vine which was + set in the slips of the great sorbapple above the walnut-tree. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0033"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIII.—Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry. +</h2> +<p> + At that time, quoth Rondibilis, when Jupiter took a view of the state of + his Olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the + gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its + proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for + the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and ordaining + victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the + dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity—Did not he do, asked + Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop of Auxerre, is said once to have + done? This noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as + every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it that he had an + especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to the + great-grandfather of Bacchus. But so it is, that for sundry years together + he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the + sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by hoary frost, + dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and + other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he thought, by the + dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of St. George, St. Mary, St. Paul, + St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other festivals, in that time + when the sun passeth under the sign of Taurus; and thereupon harboured in + his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints were Saint + Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and Saint Spoilers of + the Vine-buds. For which cause he went about to have transmitted their + feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated between Christmas and + Epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called it, allowing them with all + honour and reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much as + they would; for that he knew that at such a time frost was rather profitable + than hurtful to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the + festivals of St. Christopher, St. John the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Anne, + St. Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate + and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May, because + during the whole space of their solemnity there was so little danger of + hoary frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are then held in greater + request than the afforders of refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets, + fit disposers of cooling shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers + of wine. +</p> +<p> + Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor devil Cuckoldry, who was then in + the court at Paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one + of his vassals and tenants. Within some few days thereafter, I have forgot + how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was + done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in + the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business, + lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the + tribunal of the great Jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his + preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience + to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all + humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone + amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, reverence, + sacrifices, and festival ceremonies. To this petition Jupiter's answer was + excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were bestowed. + Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual supplications of + Monsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, list, roll, + rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacrifices, and festival + rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, and tendered to him with + solemnity. The feast, because there was no void, empty, nor vacant place + in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day + that had been consecrated to the goddess Jealousy. His power and dominion + should be over married folks, especially such as had handsome wives. His + sacrifices were to be suspicion, diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting + sullenness, watchings, wardings, researchings, plyings, explorations, + together with the waylayings, ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious + doggings of the husband's scouts and espials of the most privy actions of + their wives. Herewithal every married man was expressly and rigorously + commanded to reverence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize + his festival with twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity, + and to immolate unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the + above-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures, + threatenings, and comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts, + amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on the + delinquents: that Monsieur Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor + propitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor + grant them any subventitious furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or + adminiculary assistance; that he should never hold them in any reckoning, + account, or estimation; that he should never deign to enter within their + houses, neither at the doors, windows, nor any other place thereof; that he + should never haunt nor frequent their companies or conversations, how + frequently soever they should invocate him and call upon his name; and that + not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in + a sempiternal solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any + copes-mate or corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly + from them, and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and + sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods + towards such as are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences + which ought to be performed respectively to their divinities—as is + evidently apparent in Bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in Ceres, + against idle ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to unworthy + fruiterers and costard-mongers; in Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and + seafaring men, in Vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so + throughout the rest. Now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was + added, that unto all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited + festival, and cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay + aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so retchless, + heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper + affairs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into + the secret deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at + under, and deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and + hardships that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise + and suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned + sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them, + should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in + their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence. Now I have + said, and you have heard my cure. +</p> +<p> + Ha, ha, ha! quoth Carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and + proper than Hans Carvel's ring. The devil take me if I do not believe it! + The humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the thunder, whose + force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard, + massive, and resisting objects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty, + and yielding matters. For it pasheth into pieces the steel sword without + doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which ensheatheth it. It chrusheth + also and consumeth the bones without wounding or endamaging the flesh + wherewith they are veiled and covered. Just so it is that women for the + greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory + disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is prohibited and + forbidden. +</p> +<p> + Verily, quoth Hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the + first woman of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been + induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the Tree + of Life if it had not been forbidden her so to do. And that you may give + the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the cautelous + and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to his + enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to + infer from thence, It is forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it, + else thou canst not be a woman. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0034"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIV.—How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited. +</h2> +<p> + When I was, quoth Carpalin, a whoremaster at Orleans, the whole art of + rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a + colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could I by any other + form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for + bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery, + through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights, + than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to + remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid, + how their husbands were jealous. This was none of my invention. It is + written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences + confirmative of the same. If this belief once enter into their noddles, + their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, without + swearing, although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the + women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such-like queanish flirting + harlots mentioned in the writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such-like + puppies. +</p> +<p> + Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it related, and it hath been told me + for a verity, that Pope John XXII., passing on a day through the Abbey of + Toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and + other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by + means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that + religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections + which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal + to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would + freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each + other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession. + There is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of + me which I would not most willingly condescend unto; but I find one + inconvenience. You know confession should be kept secret, and women are + not able to do so. Exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much + more closely than the best of men. +</p> +<p> + The said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box, + wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very + gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and + promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their + request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited + box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or + indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest + ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication. The prohibition was no + sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire to + know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it. They thought + long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly, + with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening + curiosity. +</p> +<p> + The holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and + withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace. But he was + hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the + good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the + backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the + setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat within. +</p> +<p> + On the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a full + design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant of + their sought and wished-for indulgence. But before he would enter into any + chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto + him. It was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird was no more + there. Then was it that the pope did represent to their maternities how + hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep secrets revealed to + them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, seeing for the space + of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a box which + he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody. +</p> +<p> + Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome! It did me good to hear + you talk, the Lord be praised for all! I do not remember to have seen you + before now, since the last time that you acted at Montpellier with our + ancient friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, + John Quentin, Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the + moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife. I was there, + quoth Epistemon. The good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent + to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by + any means. At his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the + industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, the + encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke + again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and + so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician for a recipe + to make her hold her peace. There are, quoth the physician, many proper + remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but there are none that ever + I could learn therein to make them silent. The only cure which I have + found out is their husband's deafness. The wretch became within few weeks + thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or enchantments which the + physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf that he could not have heard the + thundering of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo. His wife perceiving + that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and that her scolding was but in + vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad. +</p> +<p> + Some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered + that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour + of his demand might be. Whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, I + know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so + great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized + dose. Then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and, + falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang + them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the + blows which they received. I never in my lifetime laughed so much as at + the acting of that buffoonery. +</p> +<p> + Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge. Your words, being + translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do signify that it + is not very inexpedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being + a cuckold. You have there hit the nail on the head. I believe, master + doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with + your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy + your company. Sir, I will heartily excuse your absence. +</p> +<pre> + Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima. + Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana. +</pre> +<p> + You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, for + it ought to run thus— +</p> +<pre> + Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna. +</pre> +<p> + If my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, I will look upon + the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth Rondibilis, + grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, together with + her umbilicary parts—according to the prescript rule of Hippocrates, 2. + Aph. 35—before I proceed any further in the cure of her distemper. No, + no, quoth Panurge, that will be but to little purpose. Such a feat is for + the practice of us that are lawyers, who have the rubric, De ventre + inspiciendo. Do not therefore trouble yourself about it, master doctor; I + will provide for her a plaster of warm guts. Do not neglect your more + urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding. I will send you some + supply of victuals to your own house, without putting you to the trouble of + coming abroad, and you shall always be my special friend. With this, + approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, without the + speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles. Rondibilis did shut his + fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to make + acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, as if he had been wroth, + said, He he, he, he, he! there was no need of anything; I thank you + nevertheless. From wicked folks I never get enough, and I from honest + people refuse nothing. I shall be always, sir, at your command. Provided + that I pay you well, quoth Panurge. That, quoth Rondibilis, is understood. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0035"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXV.—How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage. +</h2> +<p> + As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher + Trouillogan, Our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from hand + to hand is come to you. It falleth to your turn to give an answer: Should + Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no? He should do both, quoth Trouillogan. + What say you? asked Panurge. That which you have heard, answered + Trouillogan. What have I heard? replied Panurge. That which I have said, + replied Trouillogan. Ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? quoth Panurge. + Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no + better of the game. But howsoever tell me, Should I marry or no? Neither + the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan. The devil take me, quoth + Panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me + presently away if I do understand you. Stay awhile until I fasten these + spectacles of mine on this left ear, that I may hear you better. With this + Pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, which was that day + their dining-room, Gargantua's little dog, whose name was Kyne; for so was + Toby's dog called, as is recorded. Then did he say to these who were there + present, Our king is not far off,—let us all rise. +</p> +<p> + That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his royal + presence graced that banqueting and stately hall. Each of the guests arose + to do their king that reverence and duty which became them. After that + Gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he + said, Good friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein you will very + much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the + discourse you were upon. Let a chair be brought hither unto this end of + the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have, + that I may drink to all the company. You are, in faith, all welcome, + gentlemen. Now let me know what talk you were about. To this Pantagruel + answered that at the beginning of the second service Panurge had proposed a + problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that + Father Hippothadee and Doctor Rondibilis had already despatched their + resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the + faithful Trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far + proceeded, that when Panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? at + first he made this answer, Both together. When this same question was + again propounded, his second answer was, Neither the one nor the other. + Panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and + contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is + that can be meant by them. If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I + understand it very well. The answer is not unlike to that which was once + made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a + woman whom they named him to his wife? I have her, quoth he, but she hath + not me,—possessing her, by her I am not possessed. Such another answer, + quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of Sparta, who + being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? No, quoth she, but + sometimes men have had to do with me. Well then, quoth Rondibilis, let it + be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, when it is neither + sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by an abnegation of + both extremes, and this by the participation of the one and of the other. + Even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as + when time makes the partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while + in the one, another while as long in the other opposite extremity. The + holy Apostle, quoth Hippothadee, seemeth, as I conceive, to have more + clearly explained this point when he said, Those that are married, let them + be as if they were not married; and those that have wives, let them be as + if they had no wives at all. I thus interpret, quoth Pantagruel, the + having and not having of a wife. To have a wife is to have the use of her + in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for the aid, society, and + solace of man, and propagating of his race. To have no wife is not to be + uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to + distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to God, or yet for her + to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto his country, unto his + friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and forsake his precious + studies, and other businesses of account, to wait still on her will, her + beck, and her buttocks. If we be pleased in this sense to take having and + not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy nor contradiction + in the terms at all. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0036"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVI.—A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan. +</h2> +<p> + You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese. Such a + tale once pissed my goose. I do not think but that I am let down into that + dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to + the saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand + as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very + shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I will now alter the former style of + my discourse, and talk to him in another strain. Our trusty friend, stir + not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without + disjunctives. I see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an + enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you. +</p> +<pre> + Now go on, in the name of God! Should I marry? + + Trouillogan. There is some likelihood therein. + + Panurge. But if I do not marry? + + Trouil. I see in that no inconvenience. + + Pan. You do not? + + Trouil. None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not. + + Pan. Yea, but I find more than five hundred. + + Trouil. Reckon them. + + Pan. This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more +thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the +determinate term for what is indeterminate. When I say, therefore, five +hundred, my meaning is many. + + Trouil. I hear you. + + Pan. Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the +subterranean devils? + + Trouil. Away with these filthy beasts. + + Pan. Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people +use to say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. And +such a life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations. + + Trouil. At your command. + + Pan. By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will +you tell me? Shall I marry? + + Trouil. Perhaps. + + Pan. Shall I thrive or speed well withal? + + Trouil. According to the encounter. + + Pan. But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall +I be fortunate? + + Trouil. Enough. + + Pan. Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words +against the wool: what if I encounter ill? + + Trouil. Then blame not me. + + Pan. But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. I heartily +beseech you, what must I do? + + Trouil. Even what thou wilt. + + Pan. Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly. + + Trouil. Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you. + + Pan. In the name of God, let it be so! My actions shall be regulated by +the rule and square of your counsel. What is it that you advise and +counsel me to do? + + Trouil. Nothing. + + Pan. Shall I marry? + + Trouil. I have no hand in it. + + Pan. Then shall I not marry? + + Trouil. I cannot help it. + + Pan. If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold. + + Trouil. I thought so. + + Pan. But put the case that I be married. + + Trouil. Where shall we put it? + + Pan. Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense. + + Trouil. I am otherwise employed. + + Pan. By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durst +hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under +thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins +exceedingly. A little patience nevertheless is requisite. Well then, if I +marry, I shall be a cuckold. + + Trouil. One would say so. + + Pan. Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, +I shall never be cuckolded. + + Trouil. I think you speak congruously. + + Pan. Hearken. + + Trouil. As much as you will. + + Pan. Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only point I would be +resolved in. + + Trouil. I question it. + + Pan. You never saw her? + + Trouil. Not that I know of. + + Pan. Why do you then doubt of that which you know not? + + Trouil. For a cause. + + Pan. And if you should know her. + + Trouil. Yet more. + + Pan. Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,—I give it thee. +Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go down to the +lower court. Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation +of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who +shall cuckold me? + + Trouil. Somebody. + + Pan. By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall +bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour. + + Trouil. You say so. + + Pan. Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his +eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad +from the palace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much +circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from +being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife. + + Trouil. Talk better. + + Pan. It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, +and sung in matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat. + + Trouil. I do not gainsay it. + + Pan. Have a little patience. Seeing I cannot on this side draw any +blood of you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to +bleed you in another vein. Are you married, or are you not? + + Trouil. Neither the one nor the other, and both together. + + Pan. O the good God help us! By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with +the toil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off, +disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and +diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a +suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch +forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and +laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and +answers. + + Trouil. I shall be no hinderer thereof. + + Pan. Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, speak; are you married? + + Trouil. I think so. + + Pan. You were also married before you had this wife? + + Trouil. It is possible. + + Pan. Had you good luck in your first marriage? + + Trouil. It is not impossible. + + Pan. How thrive you with this second wife of yours? + + Trouil. Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny. + + Pan. But what, in good earnest? Tell me—do you prosper well with her? + + Trouil. It is likely. + + Pan. Come on, in the name of God. I vow, by the burden of Saint +Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of +the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate +resolution. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and +get my claws over you. Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, +and confess the verity. Were you ever a cuckold? I say, you who are here, +and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court? + + Trouil. No, if it was not predestinated. + + Pan. By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, +and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips +and winds himself out of my grips and clutches. +</pre> +<p> + At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all + things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of + refinedness beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted + therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not + ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the + schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects. + Blessed be the holy name of God! Veritably, it is like henceforth to be + found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the + neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves by + the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap + such philosophers in their words. Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest + friends. +</p> +<p> + When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company. + Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but + he would not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of + the banqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests: + Plato's Timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention, + was wont to count those that were called thereto. We, on the contrary, + shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up our number. One, + two, three; where is the fourth? I miss my friend Bridlegoose. Was not he + sent for? Epistemon answered that he had been at his house to bid and + invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a messenger from the + parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come to him with a writ of + summons to cite and warn him personally to appear before the reverend + senators of the high court there, to vindicate and justify himself at the + bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his charge, and to be + peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or + sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore, + he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the + end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumacy he + might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time. +</p> +<p> + I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. It is now + above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton, + during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive + sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal + was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior + judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in + Mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and + approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign + court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits + wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day. That now in his + old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of + his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the office + and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a + change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and disaster. I am + resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to the uttermost + extent of my power and ability. I know the malice, despite, and wickedness + of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, increased, and + aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best cause that is, how + just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, + aided, and supported. Therefore presently, from this very instant forth, + do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to + attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand tricky surprisal, + cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to his detriment, + hurt, or disadvantage. +</p> +<p> + Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel + had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the + favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with + several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious + stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate + besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an + inner chamber. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0037"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVII.—How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool. +</h2> +<a name="image-0009"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-37-346.jpg" height="903" width="600" +alt="Altercation Waxed Hot in Words--3-37-346 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + When Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in + one of the galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not far from thence, + walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard, + raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with + his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called him + nearer, spoke unto him thus: You are at this present, as I think, not + unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about + to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by + endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they + stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered + therein. Even so is it with you. For the more that you labour, strive, + and enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the + implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins + and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in + the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever. Nor do I know + for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one. +</p> +<p> + Take heed, I have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, The wise may be + instructed by a fool. Seeing the answers and responses of sage and + judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some + fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will + be agreeable to your own heart's desire and contentment. You know how by + the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, princes, + states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles gained, and + divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved. I am not so + diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a + quotation of examples, nor do I so far undervalue your judgment but that I + think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse. As + he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of his + private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are confined + within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, vigilant, + and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit never + strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may purchase to himself + more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his former wealth, and + who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of poverty, is called a + worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second judgment of the + intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,—so, on the contrary, + is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial spirits, to be not + only sage, but to presage events to come by divine inspiration, who laying + quite aside those cares which are conducible to his body or his fortunes, + and, as it were, departing from himself, rids all his senses of terrene + affections, and clears his fancies of those plodding studies which harbour + in the minds of thriving men. All which neglects of sublunary things are + vulgarily imputed folly. After this manner, the son of Picus, King of the + Latins, the great soothsayer Faunus, was called Fatuus by the witless + rabble of the common people. The like we daily see practised amongst the + comic players, whose dramatic roles, in distribution of the personages, + appoint the acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of the troop. In + approbation also of this fashion the mathematicians allow the very same + horoscope to princes and to sots. Whereof a right pregnant instance by + them is given in the nativities of Aeneas and Choroebus; the latter of + which two is by Euphorion said to have been a fool, and yet had with the + former the same aspects and heavenly genethliac influences. +</p> +<p> + I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate + unto you what John Andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was + directed to the mayor and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by Panorme, + upon the same pontifical canon; Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by + Jason in his Councils, concerning Seyny John, the noted fool of Paris, and + Caillet's fore great-grandfather. The case is this. +</p> +<p> + At Paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the Petit Chastelet, before the + cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry + porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above + the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, and + found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook + observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf, + whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going + away. But, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence + shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded + payment for the smoke of his roast meat. The porter answered, that he had + sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution + made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he + was not indebted to him in anything. As for the smoke in question, that, + although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated; + besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that + roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of Paris. The cook hereto + replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for + nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast + meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and + satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got, + that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of + having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his + kitchen fires. Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them + to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the + sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood + to his own defence. The altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the + gaping hoidens of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts, + to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention. In + the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and + citizen of Paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to + the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seyny John the + decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us? Yes, by + the blood of a goose, answered the porter, I am content. Seyny John the + fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination of + their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and arbitrament, + after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual + fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed and laid + open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of his belt a + piece of money, if he had it. Whereupon the porter immediately without + delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, put the + tenth part of a silver Philip into his hand. This little Philip Seyny John + took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a + sufficient weight. After that, laying it on the palm of his hand, he made + it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good alloy in + the metal whereof it was composed. Thereafter he put it to the ball or + apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and + marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the whole doltish + people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the great hope of + the cook's and despair of the porter's prevalency in the suit that was in + agitation, he finally caused the porter to make it sound several times upon + the stall of the cook's shop. Then with a presidential majesty holding his + bauble sceptre-like in his hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten + skins, each side whereof had the resemblance of an ape's face sprucified up + with ears of pasted paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised, + furrowed, and ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small + organ pipes, he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three + times, and then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence: + The court declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the + roast, hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money. And the + said court ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his + proper business, without cost and charges, and for a cause. This verdict, + award, and arbitrament of the Parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea, + so admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the + matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place, + or that the judges of the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet + that the Areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any + one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated + and awarded. Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0038"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXVIII.—How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge. +</h2> +<p> + By my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well. I + will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it. At the very motioning + thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which was + but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive. But as we have hitherto + made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and sapience for + our counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the prime sway in our + consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree. Triboulet, quoth + Pantagruel, is completely foolish, as I conceive. Yes, truly, answered + Panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a +</p> +<pre> + Pantagruel. Panurge. +Fatal f. Jovial f. +Natural f. Mercurial f. +Celestial f. Lunatic f. +Erratic f. Ducal f. +Eccentric f. Common f. +Aethereal and Junonian f. Lordly f. +Arctic f. Palatine f. +Heroic f. Principal f. +Genial f. Pretorian f. +Inconstant f. Elected f. +Earthly f. Courtly f. +Salacious and sporting f. Primipilary f. +Jocund and wanton f. Triumphant f. +Pimpled f. Vulgar f. +Freckled f. Domestic f. +Bell-tinging f. Exemplary f. +Laughing and lecherous f. Rare outlandish f. +Nimming and filching f. Satrapal f. +Unpressed f. Civil f. +First broached f. Popular f. +Augustal f. Familiar f. +Caesarine f. Notable f. +Imperial f. Favourized f. +Royal f. Latinized f. +Patriarchal f. Ordinary f. +Original f. Transcendent f. +Loyal f. Rising f. +Episcopal f. Papal f. +Doctoral f. Consistorian f. +Monachal f. Conclavist f. +Fiscal f. Bullist f. +Extravagant f. Synodal f. +Writhed f. Doting and raving f. +Canonical f. Singular and surpassing f. +Such another f. Special and excelling f. +Graduated f. Metaphysical f. +Commensal f. Scatical f. +Primolicentiated f. Predicamental and categoric f. +Train-bearing f. Predicable and enunciatory f. +Supererogating f. Decumane and superlative f. +Collateral f. Dutiful and officious f. +Haunch and side f. Optical and perspective f. +Nestling, ninny, and youngling f. Algoristic f. +Flitting, giddy, and unsteady f. Algebraical f. +Brancher, novice, and cockney f. Cabalistical and Massoretical f. +Haggard, cross, and froward f. Talmudical f. +Gentle, mild, and tractable f. Algamalized f. +Mail-coated f. Compendious f. +Pilfering and purloining f. Abbreviated f. +Tail-grown f. Hyperbolical f. +Grey peckled f. Anatomastical f. +Pleonasmical f. Allegorical f. +Capital f. Tropological f. +Hair-brained f. Micher pincrust f. +Cordial f. Heteroclit f. +Intimate f. Summist f. +Hepatic f. Abridging f. +Cupshotten and swilling f. Morrish f. +Splenetic f. Leaden-sealed f. +Windy f. Mandatory f. +Legitimate f. Compassionate f. +Azymathal f. Titulary f. +Almicantarized f. Crouching, showking, ducking f. +Proportioned f. Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f. +Chinnified f. Well-hung and timbered f. +Swollen and puffed up f. Ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f. +Overcockrifedlid and lified f. Well-stoned f. +Corallory f. Crabbed and unpleasing f. +Eastern f. Winded and untainted f. +Sublime f. Kitchen haunting f. +Crimson f. Lofty and stately f. +Ingrained f. Spitrack f. +City f. Architrave f. +Basely accoutred f. Pedestal f. +Mast-headed f. Tetragonal f. +Modal f. Renowned f. +Second notial f. Rheumatic f. +Cheerful and buxom f. Flaunting and braggadocio f. +Solemn f. Egregious f. +Annual f. Humourous and capricious f. +Festival f. Rude, gross, and absurd f. +Recreative f. Large-measured f. +Boorish and counterfeit f. Babble f. +Pleasant f. Down-right f. +Privileged f. Broad-listed f. +Rustical f. Duncical-bearing f. +Proper and peculiar f. Stale and over-worn f. +Ever ready f. Saucy and swaggering f. +Diapasonal f. Full-bulked f. +Resolute f. Gallant and vainglorious f. +Hieroglyphical f. Gorgeous and gaudy f. +Authentic f. Continual and intermitting f. +Worthy f. Rebasing and roundling f. +Precious f. Prototypal and precedenting f. +Fanatic f. Prating f. +Fantastical f. Catechetic f. +Symphatic f. Cacodoxical f. +Panic f. Meridional f. +Limbecked and distilled f. Nocturnal f. +Comportable f. Occidental f. +Wretched and heartless f. Trifling f. +Fooded f. Astrological and figure-flinging f. +Thick and threefold f. Genethliac and horoscopal f. +Damasked f. Knavish f. +Fearney f. Idiot f. +Unleavened f. Blockish f. +Baritonant f. Beetle-headed f. +Pink and spot-powdered f. Grotesque f. +Musket-proof f. Impertinent f. +Pedantic f. Quarrelsome f. +Strouting f. Unmannerly f. +Wood f. Captious and sophistical f. +Greedy f. Soritic f. +Senseless f. Catholoproton f. +Godderlich f. Hoti and Dioti f. +Obstinate f. Alphos and Catati f. +Contradictory f. +Pedagogical f. +Daft f. +Drunken f. +Peevish f. +Prodigal f. +Rash f. +Plodding f. + + Pantagruel. If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal holiday of +old was called the Feast of Fools, I know not why we may not for the like +cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and +solemnized over all the land. + + Panurge. If all fools carried cruppers. + + Pantagruel. If he were the god Fatuus of whom we have already made +mention, the husband of the goddess Fatua, his father would be Good Day, +and his grandmother Good Even. + + Panurge. If all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would +overlay at least a fathom at every rake. Let us go toward him without any +further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution +of him. I am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress +impatiently. I must needs, quoth Pantagruel, according to my former +resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose's trial. Nevertheless, +whilst I shall be upon my journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the +other side of the river of Loire, I will despatch Carpalin to bring along +with him from Blois the fool Triboulet. Then was Carpalin instantly sent +away, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge, +Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched +forward on the high road to Mirelingues. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0039"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XXXIX.—How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice. +</h2> +<a name="image-0010"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-39-352.jpg" height="883" width="597" +alt="Bridlegoose--3-39-352 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + On the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to + Mirelingues. At his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors + prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the + decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which Bridlegoose in his + own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against + the subsidy-assessor, Toucheronde, which did not seem very equitable to + that centumviral court. Pantagruel very willingly condescended to their + desire, and accordingly entering in, found Bridlegoose sitting within the + middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon + the coming of Pantagruel, accompanied with the senatorian members of that + worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, had his indictment read, and + for all his reasons, defences, and excuses, answered nothing else but that + he was become old, and that his sight of late was very much failed, and + become dimmer than it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many miseries + and calamities which old age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to + wrinkled elders; which not. per Archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta. By reason of + which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the + points and blots of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do; + whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac + took Jacob for Esau, that I after the same manner, at the decision of + causes and controversies in law, should have been mistaken in taking a + quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a deuce. This I beseech your worships, + quoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to have the more + favourable opinion of my uprightness, notwithstanding the prevarication + whereof I am accused in the matter of Toucheronde's sentence, that at the + time of that decree's pronouncing I only had made use of my small dice; and + your worships, said he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of + the law it is provided that the imperfections of nature should never be + imputed unto any for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re + milit. l. qui cum uno. ff. de reg. Jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per + totum. ff. de term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in l. si + vero. ff. Sol. Matr. And who would offer to do otherwise, should not + thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of God, + as is evident in l. Maximum Vitium, c. de lib. praeter. +</p> +<p> + What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court, + do you mean, my friend Bridlegoose? The dice, quoth Bridlegoose, of + sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, Alea Judiciorum, + whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de + contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and which + your worships do, as well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court of + yours. So do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and + final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been + said thereof by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et + l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud. Ubi Docto. Mark, that chance and fortune are + good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final + closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law. The same hath more + clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Alex. c. communia de leg. l. Si + duo. But how is it that you do these things? asked Trinquamelle. I very + briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine and + instructions of Leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; which + is conform to what is said in Gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa. Gaudent + brevitate moderni. My practice is therein the same with that of your other + worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto which our law + commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to direct and + regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de consuet. in c. ex + literis et ibi innoc. For having well and exactly seen, surveyed, + overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned and + tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of complaint, + accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings, + comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, + instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, + evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, + contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments + of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of + former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings, + deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation + bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, + declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters + of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories, + anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, + dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, + returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other + such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a + good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon. Spec. + de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de + rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.—I posit on the end of a table in my + closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the + first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other + worships. And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in + cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, Quum sunt partium jura + obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori. That being done, I + thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and + satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do, + visum visu, just over against one another; for Opposita juxta se posita + clarius elucescunt: ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his qui + sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et + hon. Then do I likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and + forthwith livre him his chance. But, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, how + come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various + and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the + suitors and pleading parties? Even just, quoth Bridlegoose, after the + fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the one + side and on the other, I then use my little small dice, after the customary + manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, Semper in + stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur. And the law ver(s)ified versifieth that, + Eod. tit. Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in c. in + obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other large great dice, fair and goodly + ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other worships use to do, + when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when + there are fewer bags. But when you have done all these fine things, quoth + Trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce + judgment? Even as your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; for I give + out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice, + judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first. So our laws command, + ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1. Et de regul. jur. in + 6. Qui prior est tempore potior est jure. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0040"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XL.—How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which he decided by the chance of the dice. +</h2> +<p> + Yea but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance, + and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do + not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour, + without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting + party-pleaders appear before you? To what use can those writings serve you, + those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of the + law-suitors? To the very same use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve your + other worships. They are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in three + things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical. First, for formality + sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is done, to be of + no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. 1. tit. de instr. + edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent. Besides that, it is not unknown to + you, who have had many more experiments thereof than I, how oftentimes, in + judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the materialities and + substances of the causes and matters agitated; for Forma mutata, mutatur + substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. Julianus. ff. ad leg. Fal. l. si is qui + quadraginta. Et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c. + in quadam. +</p> +<p> + Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other + worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise. The late + Master Othoman Vadet (Vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. de + Comit. et Archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and default + of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the + little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your + worships and I am. Which observation was singularly well before him noted + and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod. + Therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed + to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be + denied unto me, who am of the same profession; Quia accessorium naturam + sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil + dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de officio + deleg. cap. 1. Let certain honest and recreative sports and plays of + corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de allus. + et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff. + de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11. Such + also is the opinion of D. Thom, in secunda, secundae Q. I. 168. Quoted in + very good purpose by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit magnus practicus, and a + solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. Wherefore the + reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down before us in gloss. in + prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii. +</p> +<pre> + Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. +</pre> +<p> + In very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and + ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a + younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high + treasurers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got leave to enter by a + pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,—as your other worships know + very well, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l. + singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et Salic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit. + pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 1. de baptism.—I found them all recreating and + diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after + dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the + two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest, + healthful, ancient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit. + haered. l. si post mortem. et Muscarii. Such as play and sport it at the + muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10. + And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet one of the players of + that game of muss. There is nothing that I do better remember, for he + laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber + spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders. He, nevertheless, did + even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the waste + and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace to + their own houses, excuse them from their wives, Per. c. extra. de + praesumpt. et ibi gloss. Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say, + according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no + exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial, + or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to empty and + void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote margins and + backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection of causes, + Ex. Bart. et Joan. de Pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. ff. +</p> +<p> + Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth and + bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be made + manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue. + Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et spec. + tit. de requisit. cons. Therefore is it that, after the manner and fashion + of your other worships, I defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit, + surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, and + shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the end that the + suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and canvassed to + and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and + examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by + succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and maturity. By + means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the + parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will with much + greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the + disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced at + their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. tria. + onera. +</p> +<pre> + Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter. +</pre> +<p> + On the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw, + crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would ensue + of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been wont to + say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or + unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating humour before + its digestion. For as it is written, in authent. haec constit. in Innoc. + de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum. + extra. de juram. calumn. Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura + negotiis. Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and + reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not before. Instit. + de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. Julianus. To + marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de + donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si quis sponsam. + et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl. +</p> +<pre> + Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis + Virginitas. +</pre> +<p> + And, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable + importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. de + c. ultimo. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0041"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLI.—How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law. +</h2> +<a name="image-0011"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-41-356.jpg" height="615" width="889" +alt="Relateth the History of The Reconcilers--3-41-356 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + I remember to the same purpose, quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his + discourse, that in the time when at Poictiers I was a student of law under + Brocadium Juris, there was at Semerve one Peter Dandin, a very honest man, + careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good + repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who + was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the Council + of Lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat. As also, that he had + beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction his + wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging at a + large sky-coloured ribbon. This honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed + more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been + determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of + Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, and in the town-house of the + old Partenay. This amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and + of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the + neighbouring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux, + Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and + hamlets. All their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their + brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences. By his advice and + counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the + verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in very + deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well + conceive,—arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis + obligatoriis l.continuus. There was not a hog killed within three parishes + of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings. He was + almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast, + an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday's anniversary + solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious + entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between + persons at odds and in debate with one another. Remark what I say; for he + never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance, + but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as a + sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely + well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper + mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,—Ut not. per (Doct.) ff. + de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1. He had a son, whose name was Tenot + Dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me God! who + likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have undertaken and + meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of controversies + betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you know, +</p> +<pre> + Saepe solet similis esse patri. + Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter. +</pre> +<p> + Ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. Si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin. + et est. not. per Doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l. + legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil. + edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. Jul. Majest. Excipio filios a Moniali + susceptos ex Monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1. And + such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he + assumed unto himself the title of Law-strife-settler. He was likewise in + these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant—for, Vigilantibus + jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. non + enim. et instit. in prooem.—that when he had smelt, heard, and fully + understood—ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. Agaso. gloss. in verb. olfecit, + id est, nasum ad culum posuit—and found that there was anywhere in the + country a debatable matter at law, he would incontinently thrust in his + advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made + no bones of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult + soever it might happen to be, to the full contentment and satisfaction of + both parties. It is written, Qui non laborat non manducat; and the said + gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, and Currere plus que le pas vetulam + compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l. + si plures. c. de cond. incert. But so hugely great was his misfortune in + this his undertaking, that he never composed any difference, how little + soever you may imagine it might have been, but that, instead of reconciling + the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a + higher point of dissension and enmity than ever they were at before. Your + worships know, I doubt not, that, +</p> +<pre> + Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. +</pre> +<p> + Gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2. This administered unto the + tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of Semerve an occasion to say, + that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much + reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of + Leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour's time. It + happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof + to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in pacificatory + enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, and backward + inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and irreverently + upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had been so + wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all square, frame, + and order as it was then, his father had never attained to and acquired the + honour and title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably, inviolably, and + irrevocably as he had done. In doing whereof Tenot did heinously + transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to reproach the + actions of their parents; per gl. et Bart. l. 3. paragr. si quis. ff. de + cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. col. 4. To + this the honest old father answered thus: My son Dandin, when Don Oportet + taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. de appell. l. + eos etiam. For the road that you went upon was not the way to the fuller's + mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be found wherein the hare did + sit. Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of settling and composing + differences. Why? Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the very + infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible. + Yet I know handsomely and featly how to compose and settle them all. Why? + Because I take them at their decadence, in their weaning, and when they are + pretty well digested. So saith Gloss: +</p> +<pre> + Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus. +</pre> +<p> + L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip. Didst thou ever hear + the vulgar proverb, Happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the + declension of a disease? For the sickness being come to a crisis is then + upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the + physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though + nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof. My + pleaders, after the same manner, before I did interpose my judgment in the + reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations. Their + altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former + strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their + differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and + despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers. + That is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in + their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their + actions. +</p> +<pre> + Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia. +</pre> +<p> + There wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a + paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part + dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement, + for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and + pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it + should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a + reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being + sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, and + make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an + amicable and friendly treaty. Then was it that I came in pudding time, + Dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than + was my verdict then agreeable to them. This was my luck, my profit, and + good fortune. I tell thee, my jolly son Dandin, that by this rule and + method I could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms + and truce for many years to come, betwixt the Great King and the Venetian + State, the Emperor and the Cantons of Switzerland, the English and the + Scots, and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians. Shall I go yet further? + Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the Sophy, the + Tartars and the Muscoviters. Remark well what I am to say unto thee. I + would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those of the + one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, when they + had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all treasure and + coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their subjects, sold and + mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally wasted, spent, + and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, and victuals that were + necessary for the continuance of a military expedition. There I am sure, + by God, or by his Mother, that, would they, would they not, in spite of all + their teeths, they should be forced to have a little respite and breathing + time to moderate the fury and cruel rage of their ambitious aims. This is + the doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando. +</p> +<pre> + Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0042"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLII.—How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth. +</h2> +<a name="image-0012"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-42-360.jpg" height="909" width="581" +alt="Sucking Very Much at the Purses of The Pleading Parties--3-42-360 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + For this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, I temporize + and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting + patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection + thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags. Arg. in l. + si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. + A suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to me, + as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion, + incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into the + world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an inform, + rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain still so, + if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful cub, did + not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape which + nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. Doct. + ff. ad l. Aquil. l. 3. in fin. Just so do I see, as your other worships + do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to be + numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they + consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through + which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul, + loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts. But when there are heaps of these + legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled, + and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that + suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof, + they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed, + strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely membered. + Because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg. Falcid. in c. cum + dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before him, Baldus, + in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. Julianus ad exhib. ff. et l. quaesitum. + ff. de leg. 3. The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1. c. + Paulus. +</p> +<pre> + Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur. +</pre> +<p> + Like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants, + messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers, + attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge delegates, + arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, jurors, + searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks, + pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. est. l. 3. + c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the + purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and + engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, beaks, + bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so + forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; which + parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and bags, + gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti. Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit. + Hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and + law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators of + justice. For beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. de + celebr. Miss. c. cum Marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. Od. gl. +</p> +<pre> + Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis. +</pre> +<p> + Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a + complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned + according to the canonical gloss. +</p> +<pre> + Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae. +</pre> +<p> + Which speech hath been more clearly explained by Albert de Ros, in verbo + Roma. +</p> +<pre> + Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit. + Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. +</pre> +<p> + The reason whereof is thought to be this: +</p> +<pre> + Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora. +</pre> +<p> + ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact. Nor is this all; for the + inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin. +</p> +<pre> + Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas. +</pre> +<p> + In confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of + the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers, + and of many pokes—id est, prou-sacks—to the pleaders, upon which subject + we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds. +</p> +<pre> + Ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur. +</pre> +<p> + Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l. + non epistolis. l. non nudis. +</p> +<pre> + Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant. +</pre> +<p> + Yea but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal + causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon flagrante + crimine? Even as your other worships use to do, answered Bridlegoose. + First, I permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, enjoining him not + to presume to return thither till he preallably should have taken a good + sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the prime entry and + introduction to the legal carrying on of the business. In the next place, + a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept. Thirdly, I issue + forth a warrant to convene him before me. Fourthly, he is to produce a + sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly and entirely + slept, conform to the Gloss. 37. Quest. 7. c. Si quis cum. +</p> +<pre> + Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus. +</pre> +<p> + Being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, I find that this + consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating + of a member. That again produceth a third act, fashionative of another + member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act. + New members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding + and begetting another—as, link after link, the coat of mail at length is + made—till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, by information + upon information, the process be completely well formed and perfect in all + his members. Finally, having proceeded this length, I have recourse to my + dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or + interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me + thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and irrefragable + force. +</p> +<p> + I remember, on a time, that in the camp at Stockholm there was a certain + Gascon named Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sever, who having + lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat—as + you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait Anto. de Burtio, in c. + accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt. + leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud. Pecunia est vita + hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus—did, at his coming forth + of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was there, + with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following words: + Pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire: ares que de + pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien + pics, trucs, et patacts, Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe + iou a bels embis. Finding that none would make him any answer, he passed + from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder + sponder, swashbuckling High Germans were, to whom he renewed these very + terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from + them to his stout challenge was only, Der Gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein + iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen, + habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath. Finding also that none of that band of + Teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter + of the leaguer where the French freebooting adventurers were encamped, and + reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the Dutch warriors, + challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some + pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more cheerfully + and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing engagement; but + no answer at all was made unto him. Whereupon the Gascon, despairing of + meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and laying himself down + not far from the pavilions of the grand Christian cavalier Crissie, fell + fast asleep. When he had thoroughly slept an hour or two, another + adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of the lavishingly + wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, sallied forth with + sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon, + seeing he had lost as well as he. +</p> +<pre> + Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris, +</pre> +<p> + saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures. To this effect + having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in + sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in + the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up! I have lost + my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily + together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose. Thou mayest look and see + that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier. The Gascon, altogether + astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former + dialect spoke thus: Cap de Saint Arnault, quau seys to you, qui me + rebeillez? Que mau de taberne te gire. Ho Saint Siobe, cap de Gascoigne, + ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee. The venturous + roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, without + condescending to his desire, said only this: He paovret jou tesquinerie + ares, que son pla reposat. Vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse + truqueren. Thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he + had to fight. In conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a + little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went + jointly to a sutler's tent, where they drank together very amicably, each + upon the pawn of his sword. Thus by a little sleep was pacified the ardent + fury of two warlike champions. There, gossip, comes the golden word of + John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto. +</p> +<pre> + Sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0043"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLIII.—How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice. +</h2> +<p> + With this Bridlegoose held his peace. Whereupon Trinquamelle bid him + withdraw from the court—which accordingly was done—and then directed his + discourse to Pantagruel after this manner: It is fitting, most illustrious + prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations wherein this present + parliament, together with the whole marquisate of Mirelingues, stand bound + to your royal highness for the innumerable benefits which, as effects of + mere grace, they have received from your incomparable bounty, but for that + excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable learning wherewith + Almighty God, the giver of all good things, hath most richly qualified and + endowed you, we tender and present unto you the decision of this new, + strange, and paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; who, in your presence, to + your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and + determinating of suits of law by the mere chance and fortune of the dice. + Therefore do we beseech you that you may be pleased to give sentence + therein as unto you shall seem most just and equitable. To this Pantagruel + answered: Gentlemen, it is not unknown to you how my condition is somewhat + remote from the profession of deciding law controversies; yet, seeing you + are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead of + undergoing the office of a judge I will become your humble supplicant. I + observe, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose several things which induce me to + represent before you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned. In the + first place, his old age; secondly, his simplicity; to both which qualities + our statute and common laws, civil and municipal together, allow many + excuses for any slips or escapes which, through the invincible imperfection + of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so + qualified. Thirdly, gentlemen, I must needs display before you another + case, which in equity and justice maketh much for the advantage of + Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his ought to + be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by that immense and vast + ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore he hath given and + pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and upwards that he hath + been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the scales of uprightness, + that envy itself till now could not have been so impudent as to accuse and + twit him with any act worthy of a check or reprehension; as, if a drop of + the sea were thrown into the Loire, none could perceive or say that by this + single drop the whole river should be salt and brackish. +</p> +<p> + Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of Bridlegoose's + juridical decrees there hath been I know not what of extraordinary + savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his preceding + sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and approved of by + yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court. For it is + usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest + his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of the wise, + in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing the pride of + rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting, + upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish ones + of the earth. But, waiving all these matters, I shall only beseech you, + not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, for which I + thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and affection which you + have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of Loire, for + the maintenance and establishment of your places, offices, and dignities, + that for this one time you would pardon and forgive him upon these two + conditions. First, that he satisfy, or put a sufficient surety for the + satisfaction of the party wronged by the injustice of the sentence in + question. For the fulfilment of this article I will provide sufficiently. + And, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of + administrating justice you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him + some pretty little virtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and wiser than + he, by the square and rule of whose advice he may regulate, guide, temper, + and moderate in times coming all his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if + you intend totally to depose him from his office, and to deprive him + altogether of the state and dignity of a judge, I shall cordially entreat + you to make a present and free gift of him to me, who shall find in my + kingdoms charges and employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the + bettering of his own fortunes and furtherance of my service. In the + meantime, I implore the Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier of all good + things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preserve you all now and + evermore, world without end. +</p> +<p> + These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with + such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and + eminency, farewelled Trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of that + Mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and went out + of the chamber; at the door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon, Friar John, + and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the outer gate, where + all of them immediately took horse to return towards Gargantua. Pantagruel + by the way related to them from point to point the manner of Bridlegoose's + sententiating differences at law. Friar John said that he had seen Peter + Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the + monastery of Fontaine le Comte, under the noble Abbot Ardillon. Gymnast + likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of the grand Christian cavalier + De Crissie, when the Gascon, after his sleep, made answer to the + adventurer. Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing + that it was morally possible Bridlegoose should have been for such a long + space of time so continually fortunate in that aleatory way of deciding law + debates. Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such another story, not much unlike + to that in all the circumstances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the + provost of Montlehery. In good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck is to + be wondered at. To have hit right twice or thrice in a judgment so given + by haphazard might have fallen out well enough, especially in controversies + that were ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0044"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLIV.—How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human judgment. +</h2> +<p> + Seeing you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty + debates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolabella, + proconsul in Asia. The case was this. +</p> +<p> + A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband a child named Abece. He dying, + she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her second + husband bore a boy called Effege. A pretty long time thereafter it + happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very + rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that + this husband, with the help of his son Effege, secretly, wittingly, + willingly, and treacherously murdered Abece. The woman came no sooner to + get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she + caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son. She was + apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, in whose presence she, + without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge; + yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing + of them. Thus was the state of the question. He found the business so + dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor + which of the parties to incline to. On the one hand, it was an execrable + crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son. On the other + hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded + upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the + world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed + her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged, + outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess his + inheritance. In this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch upon, + he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens to learn and obtain their + advice and judgment. That judicious senate, very sagely perpending the + reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her personally to + compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to answer to some + interrogatories touching certain points which were not contained in the + verbal defence. Which resolution of theirs did import that it was in their + opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that they knew not what to + say or judge therein. Who had decided that plea by the chance and fortune + of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he + had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence. If against the woman, + she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign authority by taking that + vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the + supreme power to administer justice in criminal cases. If for her, the + just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her + innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any trespass or offence + about that particular committed by her. But this continuation of + Bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on the head, never + missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere throwing of the + dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me. +</p> +<p> + To answer, quoth Pantagruel (Epistemon, says the English edition of 1694, + following the reading of the modern French editions. Le Duchat has pointed + out the mistake.—M.), categorically to that which you wonder at, I must + ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot; yet, conjecturally to guess at + the reason of it, I would refer the cause of that marvellously + long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive + sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the + intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having + contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of Judge + Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that for + him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest deliberation he + was not able to reach unto. That, likewise, which possibly made him to + diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert + and understanding lawyer, for anything that I know to the contrary, was the + knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, contrarieties, + antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of laws, customs, + edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which dangerous opposition, + equity and justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite + terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of injustice and + iniquity through the various interpretations of self-ended lawyers, being + assuredly persuaded that the infernal calumniator, who frequently + transformeth himself into the likeness of a messenger or angel of light, + maketh use of these cross glosses and expositions in the mouths and pens of + his ministers and servants, the perverse advocates, bribing judges, + law-monging attorneys, prevaricating counsellors, and other such-like + law-wresting members of a court of justice, to turn by those means black to + white, green to grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply. For the more + expedient doing whereof, these diabolical ministers make both the pleading + parties believe that their cause is just and righteous; for it is well + known that there is no cause, how bad soever, which doth not find an + advocate to patrocinate and defend it,—else would there be no process in + the world, no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar. He did in these + extremities, as I conceive, most humbly recommend the direction of his + judicial proceedings to the upright judge of judges, God Almighty; did + submit himself to the conduct and guideship of the blessed Spirit in the + hazard and perplexity of the definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory + lot, did as it were implore and explore the divine decree of his goodwill + and pleasure, instead of that which we call the final judgment of a court. + To this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge + righteously, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end + that by the providence aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose + action was uprightest, and backed with greatest reason. In doing whereof + he did not stray from the sense of Talmudists, who say that there is so + little harm in that manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and + perplexedness of human wits God oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure + of his divine will. +</p> +<p> + Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the + unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of + the parliament of Mirelingois in Mirelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was + arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse + practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and + hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it + remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are full + of blood and hearts of wry affections. Besides that, their principal + direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one Tribonian, a + wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so + pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his + ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and + ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them. + Thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them + by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds + of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling, + and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total law; fearing + that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of + such as are interested in it, and the learned books of the ancient doctors + of the law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables and Praetorian Edicts, + his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to the + public notice of the world. Therefore were it better, in my conceit, that + is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at variance in any juridical + case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination + of what is their right to such unhallowed sentences and horrible decrees; + as Cato in his time wished and advised that every judiciary court should be + paved with caltrops. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0045"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLV.—How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet. +</h2> +<p> + On the sixth day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home at the very same + hour that Triboulet was by water come from Blois. Panurge, at his arrival, + gave him a hog's bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because of the + hard peas that were within it. Moreover he did present him with a gilt + wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an osier-wattled + wicker-bottle full of Breton wine, and five-and-twenty apples of the + orchard of Blandureau. +</p> +<p> + If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is no + more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage. Triboulet + girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate + some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine. Panurge very wistly and + heedfully looking upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and I have seen + ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to drink + heartily, and by good long draughts. When Triboulet had done with his + drinking, Panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the business + wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted + terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric. But, before he had altogether + done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret between the + shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, fillipped + and flirted him in the nose with the hog's bladder, and lastly, for a final + resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he + answered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad fool, beware the monk, + Buzansay hornpipe! These words thus finished, he slipped himself out of + the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in + the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas. After which time + it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his chaps the articulate + sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when Panurge went about to + interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his wooden sword, and would have + stuck him therewith. I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, and brought my + pigs to a fine market. Have I not got a brave determination of all my + doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that gave it? + He is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater fool who + brought him hither to me,—That bolt, quoth Carpalin, levels point-blank at + me,—but of the three I am the greatest fool, who did impart the secret of + my thoughts to such an idiot ass and native ninny. +</p> +<p> + Without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth + Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures + and speech which he hath made and uttered. In them, veritably, quoth he, + have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable mysteries; yea, of + such important worth and weight, that I shall never henceforth be + astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great deal of worship + and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally with their primest + doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets. Did not you take heed, quoth he, a + little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and + wagging his head did keep? By the approved doctrine of the ancient + philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert magicians, and + the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a brangling agitation + and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickened and + suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the prophetizing and fatidical + spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow receptacle + of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as the proverb shows it, a + little head containeth not much brains), was the cause of that commotion. + This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful physicians, when + they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall upon the members of a human + body, partly because of the heaviness and violent impetuosity of the burden + and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason of the weakness and + imbecility that is in the virtue of the bearing organ. A manifest example + whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not able to carry to their + head a great goblet full of wine without a trembling and a shaking in the + hand that holds it. This of old was accounted a prefiguration and mystical + pointing out of the Pythian divineress, who used always, before the + uttering of a response from the oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic + laurel. Lampridius also testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to + acquire unto himself the reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy + days of prime solemnnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the + head of his idol by some slight within the body thereof publicly to shake. + Plautus, in his Asinaria, declareth likewise, that Saurias, whithersoever + he walked, like one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious + lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those + who casually met with him in his way. The said author in another place, + showing a reason why Charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that + he was transported and in an ecstasy. Catullus after the same manner + maketh mention, in his Berecynthia and Atys, of the place wherein the + Menades, Bacchical women, she-priests of the Lyaean god, and demented + prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads. + As in the like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests of Cybele were + wont to do in the celebrating of their festivals. Whence, too, according + to the sense of the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination, + for kubistan signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and + play the part of one that is wry-necked. +</p> +<p> + Semblably Titus Livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the + Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and + vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging + of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then + most punctually. For the common voice of the philosophers, together with + the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that + vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the + concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said + presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired + declareth and manifesteth it unto others. The learned lawyer Julian, being + asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and + in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and + enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a + noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging + at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent + enough. Is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and + instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would do + a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication, + stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of the + sage Egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them + up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of + theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange + and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by + disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a + wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline. All which Virgil + acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0046"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLVI.—How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Triboulet. +</h2> +<p> + He says you are a fool. And what kind of fool? A mad fool, who in your + old age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your + pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his + codpiece. He says furthermore, Beware of the monk. Upon mine honour, it + gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk. Nay, I will + engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn I could have in my + possession although I were sole and peaceable dominator over all Europe, + Asia, and Africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned + brotherhood of Vulcan. Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to + the wise foolery of our morosoph Triboulet. The other oracles and + responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without + descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch + upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who + is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self. + Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather + with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much + the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously + contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher. Moreover, he says + that you will be the hornpipe of Buzansay, that is to say, well-horned, + hornified, and cornuted. And, as Triboulet's uncle asked from Louis the + Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at Blois, the hornpipes + of Buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one word for + another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet, + and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, loud, + obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any Buzansay + hornpipe. Consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with the bladder, + and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the ridge of the + back. This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and + fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods from you, as + you stole the hog's bladder from the little boys of Vaubreton. +</p> +<p> + Flat contrary, quoth Panurge;—not that I would impudently exempt myself + from being a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold of that + jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess it. And why should I not? + For the whole world is foolish. In the old Lorraine language, fou for tou, + all and fool, were the same thing. Besides, it is avouched by Solomon that + infinite is the number of fools. From an infinity nothing can be deducted + or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything thereto be + added or subjoined. Therefore were I a mad fool if, being a fool, I should + not hold myself a fool. After the same manner of speaking, we may aver the + number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite. Avicenna maketh no + bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite. Though + this much of Triboulet's words tend little to my advantage, howbeit the + prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, yet + the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me. He said to my + wife, Be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be cheery, + and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the Lesbia of Catullus in + her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less joyfully at + the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the merciless + fly-catcher Domitian. Withal he meant, by another part of his discourse, + that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and pleasing as a + harmonious hornpipe of Saulieau or Buzansay. The veridical Triboulet did + therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the inclinations and + propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias of my interior + passions and affections. For you may be assured that my humour is much + better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled + shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas smocks smell of the + clover grass of the field, than with those great ladies in magnific courts, + with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastillos, and + cosmetics. The homely sound, likewise, of a rustical hornpipe is more + agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling and musical quavering of + lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins. He gave me a lusty rapping + thwack on my back,—what then? Let it pass, in the name and for the love of + God, as an abatement of and deduction from so much of my future pains in + purgatory. He did it not out of any evil intent. He thought, belike, to + have hit some of the pages. He is an honest fool, and an innocent + changeling. It is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit of him. As + for myself, I heartily pardon him. He flirted me on the nose. In that + there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that betwixt my wife and + me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which usually happen to all + new-married folks. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0047"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLVII.—How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the holy bottle. +</h2> +<p> + There is as yet another point, quoth Panurge, which you have not at all + considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter. + He put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again. How interpret you + that passage? What is the meaning of that? He possibly, quoth Pantagruel, + signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily + take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace. Quite + otherwise, quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty. I swear to you, by the + prickling brambly thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique morosoph, + whom I formerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining + to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle. + Therefore do I renew afresh the first vow which I made, and here in your + presence protest and make oath, by Styx and Acheron, to carry still + spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until + upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking I shall have obtained + an answer from the holy bottle. I am acquainted with a prudent, + understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of + mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle + is built and posited. He will guide and conduct us thither sure and + safely. Let us go thither, I beseech you. Deny me not, and say not nay; + reject not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you. I will be to you an + Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole voyage, + both in your going forth and coming back. I have of a long time known you + to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn new things, + and still to see what you had never seen before. +</p> +<p> + Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I condescend to your request. But before + we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a + journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable + hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,—What + dangers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him. Dangers fly back, run from, and + shun me whithersoever I go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of the + sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness + quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all sores and + sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of St. Martin a + Quande. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, before we adventure to set + forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few points + are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched. First, let us send back + Triboulet to Blois. Which was instantly done, after that Pantagruel had + given him a frieze coat. Secondly, our design must be backed with the + advice and counsel of the king my father. And, lastly, it is most needful + and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve us + for a guide, truchman, and interpreter. To this Panurge made answer, that + his friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge and + performance of the sibyl's office; and that, furthermore, in passing + through the Lanternatory revelling country, they should take along with + them a learned and profitable Lanternesse, which would be no less useful to + them in their voyage than was the sibyl to Aeneas in his descent to the + Elysian fields. Carpalin, in the interim, as he was upon the conducting + away of Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse + they were upon; then spoke out, saying, Ho, Panurge, master freeman, take + my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, for he is goud-fallot, a good + fellow. He will not forget those who have been debitors; these are + Lanternes. Thus shall you not lack for both fallot and lanterne. I may + safely with the little skill I have, quoth Pantagruel, prognosticate that + by the way we shall engender no melancholy. I clearly perceive it already. + The only thing that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the Lanternatory + language. I shall, answered Panurge, speak for you all. I understand it + every whit as well as I do mine own maternal tongue; I have been no less + used to it than to the vulgar French. +</p> +<pre> + Briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos. + Isquebsz prusq: albok crinqs zacbac. + Mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos, + Strombtz, Panurge, walmap quost gruszbac. +</pre> +<p> + Now guess, friend Epistemon, what this is. They are, quoth Epistemon, + names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils. These words of + thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth Panurge; yet are they terms + used in the language of the court of the Lanternish people. By the way, as + we go upon our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little dictionary, + which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new + shoes. Thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the + dawning of the next subsequent morning. What I have said in the foregoing + tetrastich is thus translated out of the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar + dialect: +</p> +<pre> + All miseries attended me, whilst I + A lover was, and had no good thereby. + Of better luck the married people tell; + Panurge is one of those, and knows it well. +</pre> +<p> + There is little more, then, quoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that we + understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and + purchase his consent. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0048"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLVIII.—How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers. +</h2> +<p> + No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the + castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest Gargantua + coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and + summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his + observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then, + acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might + stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go + through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken. The good man + Gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed and + answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him + in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit presented, had + nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to Ulric Gallet, his + ancient and faithful Master of Requests; then drew aside Pantagruel, and, + with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, spoke to him + thus: I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most dear son, that + he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to virtuous + actions. I am well content that the voyage which you have motioned to me + be by you accomplished, but withal I could wish you would have a mind and + desire to marry, for that I see you are of competent years. Panurge in the + meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing and providing for remedies, + salves, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he + could in the height of his fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast in the + way of their itinerary design. Is it your pleasure, most dear father, that + you speak? answered Pantagruel. For my part, I have not yet thought upon + it. In all this affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and + paternal authority. For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw + me down stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than that against your + pleasure I should be found married alive. I never yet heard that by any + law, whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous + nations in the world, it was allowed and approved of that children may be + suffered and tolerated to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without + the knowledge, advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers, + mothers, and nearest kindred. All legislators, everywhere upon the face of + the whole earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from + children, and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents. +</p> +<p> + My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, I believe you, and from my heart + thank God for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect + notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that + through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit + unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and + virtuous. For in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain + country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching + priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a + matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of Cybele in Phrygia, as if + they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and + wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs, + taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks. I + cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loathe, and + abominate,—whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded sacerdotal + mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up themselves + within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious temples, do deal + in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into harvests of + secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically opposite to the + quality, state, and condition of their callings, professions, and + vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness of + married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies, + fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of such odious, + perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws. Nor do they see that which is + clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,—how all these + nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have been + decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and advantage + of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all for the + good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married people. Which + administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering these churchmen + suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing, + no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weighed + in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by + way of compensation, would impose laws to be followed and observed by those + mysts and flamens, how they should behave themselves in the making and + performance of their rites and ceremonies, and after what manner they ought + to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various oblations, + victims, and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the decimation and + tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off and take parings, shreddings, and + clippings of the gain proceeding from the labour of their hands and sweat + of their brows, therewith to entertain themselves the better. Upon which + consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands would not + prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the ecclesiastic power unto + which they had tendered their blind obedience. For, as you have very well + said, there is no place in the world where, legally, a licence is granted + to the children to marry without the advice and consent of their parents + and kindred. Nevertheless, by those wicked laws and mole-catching customs, + whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you, + there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or pocky ruffian, pander, knave, + rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and burn-marked in + his own country for his crimes and felonies, who may not violently snatch + away and ravish what maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon, how noble, + how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she be, and that out of the + house of her own father, in his own presence, from the bosom of her mother, + and in the sight and despite of her friends and kindred looking on a so + woeful spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be so cunning as to + associate unto himself some mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant + made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the + prey. +</p> +<p> + Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Massagets do a worse or more cruel act to + any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of + their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money, + and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and + impetuous assault? May not these fathers and mothers, think you, be + sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond + stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified, + scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an + open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, + well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose + breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing + them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous + employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage, + hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and + convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving + neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught, + instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude, + to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage, + that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the + laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom + they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, movables, + and inheritances? How doleful, trist, and plangorous would such a sight + and pageantry prove unto them? You shall not need to think that the + collachrymation of the Romans and their confederates at the decease of + Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs? Neither + would I have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the + Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the perfidiousness of the + adulterous Trojan, Paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, was + greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of + theirs? You may very well imagine that Ceres at the ravishment of her + daughter Proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they. + Trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of Osiris was not so + regrettable to Isis, nor did Venus so deplore the death of Adonis, nor yet + did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of Polyxena + more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this + aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful, + and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents. +</p> +<p> + Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are + so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in + superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose + and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath + been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and + covenanter in that detestable bargain. What do they do then? They + wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their + well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein + they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not their + fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to be + delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend at + best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their + children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should + have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and comfort. + Other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and indignity + put upon them and their families, that, transported with the extremity of + passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of a grievous + fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherwise put + violent hands on themselves. Others, again, of that parental relation + have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more magnanimous and + heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the children of + Jacob revenging upon the Sichemites the rapt of their sister Dinah, having + found the rascally ruffian in the association of his mystical mole-catcher + closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, and coming with their + daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, perverting, and + enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewdnesses, have, + without any further advisement on the matter, cut them instantly into + pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields their so + dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens. Upon the + chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, stout, and + manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so highly incensed, + and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, bills of complaint + and accusations having been in a most odious and detestable manner put in + before the competent judges, the arm of secular authority hath with much + importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and required, they + proudly contending that the servants of God would become contemptible if + exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon the persons of the + perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous, + and execrable crime. +</p> +<p> + Yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial + law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph, + point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath + been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that + kind. Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant. For there is no virtuous + man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more + hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace, + ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death. Now any man, + finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his + daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances + of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without + incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of + justice for so doing. What wonder is it then? Or how little strange + should it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with + his mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning + his daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent + thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them brought + upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and cast their + carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs and swine, or + otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing, and + rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild beasts of the field + (as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces of + the great Alma Mater, the earth, commonly called burial). +</p> +<p> + Dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of + these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst I breathe, by + the grace and assistance of God, I shall give good order. Seeing, + therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of + you in marriage, I am fully of an opinion that I shall provide sufficiently + well for you in that point. Make ready and prepare yourself for Panurge's + voyage. Take along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and such others as you + will choose. Do with my treasures what unto yourself shall seem most + expedient. None of your actions, I promise you, can in any manner of way + displease me. Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever equipage, + furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, mariners, + and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and favourable + wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of God our Saviour. In the + meanwhile, during your absence, I shall not be neglective of providing a + wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite to be made for + the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most splendid feast, + if ever there was any in the world, since the days of Ahasuerus. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0049"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.XLIX.—How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb named Pantagruelion. +</h2> +<p> + Within very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his leave of the good + Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son's happy voyage, he arrived at + the seaport, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, Epistemon, Friar + John of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the royal house, + especially with Xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of dangerous + ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of whose + castlewick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure + of a mesne fee. Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready + for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which Ajax of + Salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the + Trojan state. He likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots, + sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought + fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts, + artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such + luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for + carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage. Amongst + other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be + fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called + Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the + confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present use + after the fashion of conserves. The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root + somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very blunt + point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured with + some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the + profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half. From the root thereof + proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish + within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and + gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged, + snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and + columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full + of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and + dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa, + as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the + denomination of milasea. Its height is commonly of five or six foot. Yet + sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a + lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and + well-soaked soil—as is the ground of the territory of Olone, and that of + Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia—and that it want not for rain enough + about the season of the fishers' holidays and the estival solstice. There + are many trees whose height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call + it dendromalache by the authority of Theophrastus. The plant every year + perisheth,—the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being + durable. +</p> +<p> + From the stalk of this Pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large + and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth, + always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or Spanish bugloss, + hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, betony, + and finally ending as it were in the points of a Macedonian spear, or of + such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their phlebotomizing + tiltings. The figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not much different + from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the herb itself being + so like the Eupatorian plant that many skilful herbalists have called it + the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the Wild Pantagruelion. These leaves + are in equal and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number + in every rank either of five or seven, nature having so highly favoured and + cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd, + divine, and mysterious numbers. The smell thereof is somewhat strong, and + not very pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses. The seed enclosed + therein mounteth up to the very top of its stalk, and a little above it. +</p> +<p> + This is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any + other whatsoever. Some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and + some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, or + tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, yet + such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and + sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, + yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite + extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any + man who would eat much and often of it. And although that of old amongst + the Greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and + tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were + presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the wine + relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive to + the stomach. For it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its + exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome + vapours. And, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and + female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the + daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine, + pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in + this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very + copious of and abundant in seed. There is likewise in it a female, which + hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no + purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least + comparable to that of the male. It hath also a larger leaf, and much + softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a + height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the + swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers + begin to be a little hoarse. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0050"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.L.—How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought. +</h2> +<p> + The herb Pantagruelion, in September, under the autumnal equinox, is + dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the + people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth. The first + instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil + the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and + mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little + for five days together (Properly—'lake water, which is to be made + stagnant, not current, for five days together.'—M.) if the season be dry + and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if the weather be + cloudish and the water cold. Then must it be parched before the sun till + it be drained of its moisture. After this it is in the shadow, where the + sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off. Then are the fibres + and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have already said, + consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and severed from the + woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other + use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to kindle the fire, and for + the play, pastime, and disport of little children, to blow up hogs' + bladders and make them rattle. Many times some use is made thereof by + tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills and pipes, + through which they with their liquor-attractive breath suck up the new + dainty wine from the bung of the barrel. Some modern Pantagruelists, to + shun and avoid that manual labour which such a separating and partitional + work would of necessity require, employ certain cataractic instruments, + composed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish, and + angry Juno did hold the fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched + together when she would have hindered the childbirth delivery of Alcmena at + the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those cataracts they break and bruise + to very trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the fibres, + which are the precious and excellent parts. In and with this sole + operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the + received opinion of the whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to all + philosophers, gain their livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling. But + those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it according to its + value, for their own greater profit do the very same which is told us of + the recreation of the three fatal sister Parcae, or of the nocturnal + exercise of the noble Circe, or yet of the excuse which Penelope made to + her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate courtiers during the long absence + of her husband Ulysses. +</p> +<p> + By these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable + virtues, whereof I will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing + impossible to do. I have already interpreted and exposed before you the + denomination thereof. I find that plants have their names given and + bestowed upon them after several ways. Some got the name of him who first + found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified + them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences + they were fit for, as the Mercuriale from Mercury; Panacea from Panace, the + daughter of Aesculapius; Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria from + the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbium from Euphorbus, King + Juba's physician; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades; + Gentiane from Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, through a great + many other herbs or plants. Truly, in ancient times this prerogative of + imposing the inventor's name upon an herb found out by him was held in a so + great account and estimation, that, as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune + and Pallas from which of them two that land should receive its denomination + which had been equally found out by them both together—though thereafter + it was called and had the appellation of Athens, from Athene, which is + Minerva—just so would Lynceus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain + the young Triptolemus, whom Ceres had sent to show unto mankind the + invention of corn, which until then had been utterly unknown, to the end + that, after the murder of the messenger, whose death he made account to + have kept secret, he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion of false + dealing, his own name upon the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an + immortal honour and glory for having been the inventor of a grain so + profitable and necessary to and for the use of human life. For the + wickedness of which treasonable attempt he was by Ceres transformed into + that wild beast which by some is called a lynx and by others an ounce. + Such also was the ambition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth + by that very sharp wars and of a long continuance have been made of old + betwixt some residentiary kings in Cappadocia upon this only debate, of + whose name a certain herb should have the appellation; by reason of which + difference, so troublesome and expensive to them all, it was by them called + Polemonion, and by us for the same cause termed Make-bate. +</p> +<p> + Other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries + from whence they were transported, as the Median apples from Media, where + they first grew; Punic apples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage; + Ligusticum, which we call lovage, from Liguria, the coast of Genoa; Rhubarb + from a flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, called Ru; Santonica from a + region of that name; Fenugreek from Greece; Gastanes from a country so + called; Persicaria from Persia; Sabine from a territory of that + appellation; Staechas from the Staechad Islands; Spica Celtica from the + land of the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which were + tedious to enumerate. Some others, again, have obtained their + denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Absinth, because it + is contrary to Psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking; + Holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no + frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature than + it. +</p> +<p> + There are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their + virtues and operations, as Aristolochia, because it helpeth women in + childbirth; Lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; Mallow, + because it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a bright + colour; Alyssum, Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban (Henbane), and so + forth through many more. +</p> +<p> + Other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable + qualities that are found to be in them, as Heliotropium, which is the + marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it + displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his + declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton, + because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should + let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture + nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, and so throughout a great many more. + There are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very + same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and transformed + in them, as from Daphne the laurel is called also Daphne; Myrrh from + Myrrha, the daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, which is the + artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, with Saffron, Smilax, and + divers others. +</p> +<p> + Many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem to + have some resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a + horse's tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail of + a fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; Delphinium, for that it + is like a dolphin fish; Bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an + ox's tongue; Iris, so called because in its flowers it hath some + resemblance of the rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear of a mouse; + Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow's foot. A great many + other such there are, which here to recite were needless. Furthermore, as + there are herbs and plants which have had their names from those of men, so + by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames of many families taken their + origin from them, as the Fabii, a fabis, beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas; + the Lentuli from lentils; the Cicerons; a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of + pulse called chickpease, and so forth. In some plants and herbs the + resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher mark or object, as + when we say Venus' navel, Venus' hair, Venus' tub, Jupiter's beard, + Jupiter's eye, Mars' blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury's fingers, which are + all of them names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like + appellation. Others, again, have received their denomination from their + forms, such as the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for + having five leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground; + Helxine, Petast, Myrobalon, which the Arabians called Been, as if you would + say an acorn, for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very + oily. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0051"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.LI.—Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof. +</h2> +<a name="image-0013"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/3-51-386.jpg" height="919" width="571" +alt="Serving in the Place of a Cravat--3-51-386 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + By such-like means of attaining to a denomination—the fabulous ways being + only from thence excepted, for the Lord forbid that we should make use of + any fables in this a so veritable history—is this herb called + Pantagruelion, for Pantagruel was the inventor thereof. I do not say of + the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding + odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more contrarious + and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the flax, the + cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches + to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch to the lentil + pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, the + water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars of the + college of Navarre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to the + loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, willow-grain + to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolfsbane + to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hemlock to + goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees. For we have seen many of + those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, finish their + lives short and long, after the manner of Phyllis, Queen of Thracia, of + Bonosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King Latinus's wife, of Iphis, + Autolycus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of Lydia, and many + thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster therein, + that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in their bodies, by a + touch only of the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden to have the passage + obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont to bolt so many jolly + sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cleverly than + ever could have done the squinancy. +</p> +<p> + Others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when + Atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that Pantagruel held + them by the gorge. But, well-a-day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an + executioner. It was the Pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an + halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat. In that, verily, + they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a + trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing + invented, as when Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put instead of + wine. I swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue + out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full + of fountain water, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any man by the + throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective + of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come. +</p> +<p> + It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude. For Pantagruel, at the + very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long + whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy + that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were busiest + in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when Icarus's dog, + with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh the whole world + Troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide themselves in dens and + subterranean caves. It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of the + notable and singular qualities, virtues, and properties thereof. For as + Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and exemplary of all + jovial perfection and accomplishment—in the truth whereof I believe there + is none of you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any question—so in this + Pantagruelion have I found so much efficacy and energy, so much + completeness and excellency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and so many + admirable effects and operations of a transcendent nature, that if the + worth and virtue thereof had been known when those trees, by the relation + of the prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule and govern over + them, it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the + plurality of votes and suffrages. +</p> +<p> + Shall I yet say more? If Oxylus, the son of Orius, had begotten this plant + upon his sister Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and + perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned + by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their + names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance. The eldest + child was a daughter, whose name was Vine; the next born was a boy, and his + name was Fig-tree; the third was called Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; the + fifth Sorbapple-tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar, and the last had + the name of Elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time. I shall forbear + to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and distilled within + the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner of putrefaction + cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any whatsoever + other animal that shall have entered in thereat. If, likewise, you put a + little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full of water, you shall + see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith as if it were + milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water thus curded is a + present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their + own flanks. The root thereof well boiled mollifieth the joints, softeneth + the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable to the nerves, + and good against all cramps and convulsions, as likewise all cold and + knotty gouts. If you would speedily heal a burning, whether occasioned by + water or fire, apply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion, that is to say, + take it so as it cometh out of the ground, without bestowing any other + preparation or composition upon it; but have a special care to change it + for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you shall find it waxing dry + upon the sore. +</p> +<p> + Without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms + abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and + sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also, + how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and + the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or + pleasure to the reposers in them. Without it millers could neither carry + wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to + bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever. + Without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers' clients be brought + to the bar? Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the + workhouse without it. Without it, how should the water be got out of a + draw-well? In what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of + counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like + persons be without it? Were it not for it, what would become of the + toll-rates and rent-rolls? Would not the noble art of printing perish + without it? Whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made? How should + the bells be rung? The altars of Isis are adorned therewith, the + Pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human + nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in + and into this world. All the lanific trees of Seres, the bumbast and cotton + bushes in the territories near the Persian Sea and Gulf of Bengala, the + Arabian swans, together with the plants of Malta, do not all the them + clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone. + Soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in + former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins. It overshadows the + theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun. It begirdeth + and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for the + pleasure of hunters. It descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea and + river-waters for the profit of fishers. By it are boots of all sizes, + buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every + cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man. By it the butt + and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made fixed. + And, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and reverenced + by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies of deceased + men are never buried without it. +</p> +<p> + I will proceed yet further. By the means of this fine herb the invisible + substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and + prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols. Heavy and ponderous + weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and + every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and + emolument of humankind. When I perpend with myself these and such-like + marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how + the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past + ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable + utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour which without it + they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations. By virtue thereof, + through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty + galleons, the large floats, the Chiliander, the Myriander ships launched + from their stations and set a-going at the pleasure and arbitrament of their + rulers, conders, and steersmen. By the help thereof those remote nations + whom nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to + have kept them still in abscondito and hidden from us, that the ways through + which their countries were to be reached unto were not only totally unknown, + but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now + arrived to us, and we to them. +</p> +<p> + Those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of + feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and + notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through + the air. Taproban hath seen the heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas and + Riphaean mountains; wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the + Islanders drink of the flood Euphrates. By it the chill-mouthed Boreas + hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus visited + the regions which Zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have + interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre + longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the + Periaecian people, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, Heteroscian, and Periscian + had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all the + climates. These strange exploits bred such astonishment to the celestial + intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they were on a + sudden all afraid. From which amazement, when they saw how, by means of + this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctic people looked upon the Antarctic, + scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid + zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, having both + poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to call a council + for their own safety and preservation. +</p> +<p> + The Olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of + such achievements, said: Pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and + put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits' end by this sole herb of his + than did of old the Aloidae by overturning mountains. He very speedily is + to be married, and shall have many children by his wife. It lies not in + our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through the hands and + spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity's inexorable daughters. Who knows + but by his sons may be found out an herb of such another virtue and + prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using it aright according + to their father's skill, they may contrive a way for humankind to pierce + into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead of the hail, take + an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut and open as they please the + sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of the rain; then, prosecuting + their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto the lightning workhouse and + shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, where, seizing on the magazine + of heaven and storehouse of our warlike fire-munition, they may discharge a + bouncing peal or two of thundering ordnance for joy of their arrival to + these new supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn + the whole force of that artillery against ourselves wherein we most + confided. Then is it like they will set forward to invade the territories + of the Moon, whence, passing through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will + serve them for a torch, to show the way from Mars to Jupiter and Saturn. + We shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor + put a stoppage to their entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or + mansions of the spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay + in, to travel through for their recreation. All the celestial signs + together, with the constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at + their devotion then. Some will take up their lodging at the Ram, some at + the Bull, and others at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion Inn, + and others at the sign of the Virgin; some at the Balance, others at the + Scorpion, and others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be + harboured at the Goat, some at the Water-pourer's sign, some at the Fishes; + some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and + the Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great, + some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of the + whole twinkling asteristic welkin. There will be sojourners come from the + earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own + skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the Galaxy, will set + themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and + take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest + goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified. A junto hereupon + being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so + dreadful danger, Jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes + of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst + themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then + resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary + assaults. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0052"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 3.LII.—How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not able to consume it. +</h2> +<p> + I have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you might + be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other divinity of + this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you. Believe it, + if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, I care not which of them you do, + they are both alike to me. It shall be sufficient for my purpose to have + told you the truth, and the truth I will tell you. But to enter in + thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, this is + the question which I ask of you. If I had put within this bottle two + pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly + mingled together, how would you unmix them? After what manner would you go + about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such + sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine + also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them + in the same measure, quantity, and taste that I had embottled them? Or, to + state the question otherwise. If your carmen and mariners, entrusted for + the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable + number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of Graves wine, or + of the wine of Orleans, Beaune, and Mireveaux, should drink out the half, + and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the vessels as + full as before, as the Limosins use to do in their carriages by wains and + carts of the wines of Argenton and Sangaultier; after that, how would you + part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a case? I + understand you well enough. Your meaning is, that I must do it with an ivy + funnel. That is written, it is true, and the verity thereof explored by a + thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat before, I see it. + But those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like, + would hardly believe that it were possible. Let us nevertheless proceed. +</p> +<p> + But put the case, we were now living in the age of Sylla, Marius, Caesar, + and other such Roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient + Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their + parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders of + your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as + Artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband Mausolus; or otherwise, + that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary + pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those other + cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary fire hath + been converted? Answer, if you can. By my figgins, I believe it will + trouble you so to do. +</p> +<p> + Well, I will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial + Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and + after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely + as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the + folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how + great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this + Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, and + the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall + neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one atom + of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing conflagration + of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken + out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put + it in at first. Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is as much to say + as incombustible. Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia, as + likewise in the climate Dia Sienes, at very easy rates. O how rare and + admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, consumeth, and + destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and whiten this + sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston! If you mistrust the verity of this + relation, and demand for further confirmation of my assertion a visible + sign, as the Jews and such incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh + egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within this divine + Pantagruelion. When it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of a + fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as + you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, find the + egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any alteration, change, + mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagruelion. For + less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken down, and + amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny farthing, you are + able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof. +</p> +<p> + Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a + more eminent comparison the Salamander. That is a fib; for, albeit a + little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers, + gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may I warrantably enough + assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other + animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed. + We have seen the experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago hath clearly + demonstrated and confirmed it, Lib. 3, De temperamentis, and Dioscorides + maintaineth the same doctrine, Lib. 2. Do not here instance in competition + with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of Pyraeus, + which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that Archelaus, + governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had plastered it all + over on the outside with the said alum. Nor would I have you to compare + therewith the herb which Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said that it + had some resemblance with that oak which bears the mistletoe, and that it + could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by fire nor + by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was built, said he, the so + renowned ship Argos. Search where you please for those that will believe + it. I in that point desire to be excused. Neither would I wish you to + parallel therewith—although I cannot deny but that it is of a very + marvellous nature—that sort of tree which groweth alongst the mountains of + Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out of his root the good agaric. From + its body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent rosin, that Galen hath been + bold to equal it to the turpentine. Upon the delicate leaves thereof it + retaineth for our use that sweet heavenly honey which is called the manna, + and, although it be of a gummy, oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is, + notwithstanding, unconsumable by any fire. It is in Greek and Latin called + Larix. The Alpinese name is Melze. The Antenorides and Venetians term it + Larege; which gave occasion to that castle in Piedmont to receive the + denomination of Larignum, by putting Julius Caesar to a stand at his return + from amongst the Gauls. +</p> +<p> + Julius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants + in, near unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all manner of + victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the military + road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching soldiery. + To which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were + within the garrison of Larignum, who, trusting in the natural strength of + the place, would not pay their contribution. The emperor, purposing to + chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to march straight + towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a tower built of + huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound together with pins + and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after + the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to + such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet above the + portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and drive away + such as should approach thereto. +</p> +<p> + When Caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the + castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter + to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the + approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins, + faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the + heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was + thereupon incontinently done. The fire put amidst the faggots was so great + and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine + the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished. + Nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame + ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower + appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever. Caesar, after a serious + consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the + distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with ditches + and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the Larignans understood, + they rendered themselves upon terms. And then by a relation from them it + was that Caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of this wood, which + of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, therefore, in + regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have been admitted into + this rank and degree of a true Pantagruelional plant; and that so much the + rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports, + windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, cans, (cants?) and other + whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of Theleme, should be all + materiated of this kind of timber. He likewise caused to cover therewith + the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and + walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, foists, + frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers, + and other vessels of his Thalassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or + timber of the larch-tree, being put within a large and ample furnace full + of huge vehemently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and + kinds of wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and + destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln. But this Pantagruelion Asbeston + is rather by the fire renewed and cleansed than by the flames thereof + consumed or changed. Therefore, +</p> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + + Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans,<br> + Sing not, in hymns and Io Paeans,<br> + Your incense, myrrh, or ebony.<br> + Come here, a nobler plant to see,<br> + And carry home, at any rate,<br> + Some seed, that you may propagate.<br> + If in your soil it takes, to heaven<br> + A thousand thousand thanks be given;<br> + And say with France, it goodly goes,<br> + Where the Pantagruelion grows.<br> + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<p> + END OF BOOK III</p> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, *** + +***** This file should be named 8168-h.htm or 8168-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/6/8168/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8168] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS + + +FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF + +GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + + +Book III. + + +Translated into English by + +Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + +and + +Peter Antony Motteux + + + + +The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the +first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' +are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the +translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in +1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. +Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as +the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from +the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. + + + + +THE THIRD BOOK + + +Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre. + + Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies, + Gone back, and now familiar in the skies, + Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite, + Which to obey thee always took delight,-- + Obsequious, ready,--now from motion free, + Senseless, and as it were in apathy, + Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space, + From that divine, eternal, heavenly place, + To see the third part, in this earthy cell, + Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel? + + + +The Author's Prologue. + +Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty +gentlemen, did you ever see Diogenes, and cynic philosopher? If you have +seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or I am very much out of my +understanding and logical sense. It is a gallant thing to see the +clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun. I'll be judged by the blind born so +renowned in the sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask +whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose word in an instant is +effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. Item, you +are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more +than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the +Bacchic Council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion +faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety, +faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired +liquor. + +If you have not seen him, as I am easily induced to believe that you have +not, at least you have heard some talk of him. For through the air, and +the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and +fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned. +Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian blood, if I be not deceived. +If you have not so many crowns as Midas had, yet have you something, I know +not what, of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their +otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine, and gave +occasion thereafter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly Ears. +If you have not heard of him, I will presently tell you a story to make +your wine relish. Drink then,--so, to the purpose. Hearken now whilst I +give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your +simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the +cheerfullest of a thousand. If he had some imperfection, so have you, so +have we; for there is nothing, but God, that is perfect. Yet so it was, +that by Alexander the Great, although he had Aristotle for his instructor +and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not +been Alexander, to have been Diogenes the Sinopian. + +When Philip, King of Macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of Corinth, +the Corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he +with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of +them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not +neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves +in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city. + +Some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables, +bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision. + +Others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses, +bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced +themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded +the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps, +plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed +barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques, +and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol. Everyone +did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket. +Some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the +headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks, +gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons, +shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs. Others made +ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls, +firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory +and destructive to the Hellepolides. They sharpened and prepared spears, +staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes, +quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes, +maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons. They +set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers, +bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards, +knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons. + +Every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his +natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so +reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know +the Corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants. + +Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the +magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many +days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the +countenance of his fellow-citizens. + +Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial +spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his +sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and, +giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs, +away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of Corinth +called (the) Cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he +roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the +injuries of the weather: there, I say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did +he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it, +huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it, +invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it, +knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw +it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample +it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it, +resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. And then +again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled +it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it, +brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it, +transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, +hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it, +settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it, +tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it, +mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it, +adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it, +pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated +it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like +another Sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged +it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the +bottom of it out. + +Which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil +his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's answer +was that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he +thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub, +that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might +not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow. To the same purpose may I say +of myself, + + Though I be rid from fear, + I am not void of care. + +For, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a +trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts +of this most noble kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of +the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in +the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the +repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy +so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the +future, whereby France shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged, +and the French assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little +withholds me from the opinion of good Heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be +the father of all good things; and therefore do I believe that war is in +Latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty +Latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be +seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good +and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness +and deformity. For proof whereof the wise and pacific Solomon could no +better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by +comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array, +well provided and ordered. + +Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my +compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side, +being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but +to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to +me indifferent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle +spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the +view and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy, +and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all +remains for me to be done ('And not exert myself, and contribute thereto +this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.'--Ozell.). In my +opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of +their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their +head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe +calves; clapping down their ears like Arcadian asses at the melody of +musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express +their consent to the prosopopoeia. Having made this choice and election, +it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor +troublesome to any, whilst I should thus set a-going my Diogenical tub, +which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former +misfortunes. + +At this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do? By +the Virgin that tucks up her sleeve, I know not as yet. Stay a little, +till I suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it +is my Caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. Drinking thus, I +meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude. After that the epilogue is +made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again. Ennius drinking wrote, +and writing drank. Aeschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any +faith, drank composing, and drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting, +and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk. These passages I have +brought before you to the end you may not say that I lived without the +example of men well praised and better prized. It is good and fresh +enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree. +God, the good God Sabaoth, that is to say, the God of armies, be praised +for it eternally! If you after the same manner would take one great +draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, I truly +find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all +some small scantling of thanks. + +Since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard--for it is not for +everybody to go to Corinth--I am fully resolved to be so little idle and +unprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of +people. Amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, I will do as +did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of +Montauban in his latter days: I will serve the masons, I'll set on the pot +to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at +the sound of my small pipe, I'll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards. +Thus did Amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the +great and renowned city of Thebes. + +For the use of the warriors I am about to broach of new my barrel to give +them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness +and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled, +you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of +our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and +consequently a jolly cheerful quart of Pantagruelic sentences, which you +may lawfully call, if you please, Diogenical: and shall have me, seeing I +cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and +cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the +enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and +glorious achievements. I shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de +dieu; if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning lecher, I warrant you, +will be loth to do. + +I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolemy, the son of Lagus, one +day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had +acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in the open view of the people, a +Bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that +the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of +breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the Indian +Venus whom the Tyanean philosopher did see between the river Hydaspes and +Mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were +things never before that seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of these +novelties to win the love of the people. But what happened thereupon? At +the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the +sight of the party-coloured man--some scoffed at him as a detestable +monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which +he had to please these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the +affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and +disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more +pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect, +than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. Since which time +he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly +thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance, +they did exchange their life with death. + +This example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting +that, for the contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be +most distasteful to me: my cake will be dough, and for my Venus I shall +have but some deformed puppy: instead of serving them, I shall but vex +them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this +dubious adventure Euclion's cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot, and by +Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by +his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried. Put the +case I get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the +like may occur again. Yet, by Hercules! it will not. So I perceive in +them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual +properties, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism; by virtue whereof +they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal +heart. I have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and +remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better. Having +despatched this point, I return to my barrel. + +Up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! Drink, boys, and trowl it off at +full bowls! If you do not think it good, let it alone. I am not like +those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence, +constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what +is worse. All honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are +a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it +please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove +agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink, +frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome. This is +my decree, my statute and ordinance. + +And let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of +Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so +much shall I tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel remain +inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current. Such was the +beverage contained within the cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively +represented amongst the Brachman sages. Such was in Iberia the mountain of +salt so highly written of by Cato. Such was the branch of gold consecrated +to the subterranean goddess, which Virgil treats of so sublimely. It is a +true cornucopia of merriment and raillery. If at any time it seem to you +to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn +wholly dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's bottle; +and not despair, as in the puncheon of the Danaids. Remark well what I +have said, and what manner of people they be whom I do invite; for, to the +end that none be deceived, I, in imitation of Lucilius, who did protest +that he wrote only to his own Tarentines and Consentines, have not pierced +this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first +edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree. The great dorophages, +bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the +hooks for their venison. There may they follow their prey; here is no +garbage for them. You pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery, +speak not to me, I beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you +bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which +at that time conjoined them. As for hypocrites, much less; although they +were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with +unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating. (And wherefore?) Because +indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we +daily pray to God to deliver us. And albeit we see them sometimes +counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet. Hence, +mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my +sunshine; curs, to the devil! Do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to +pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel? Look, here is the cudgel which +Diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for +beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary +hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds. Pack you hence, therefore, you +hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the +devil! Hay! What, are you there yet? I renounce my part of Papimanie, if +I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. Avaunt, avaunt! Will you not be gone? +May you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never +piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado. + + + + + + +THE THIRD BOOK. + + +Chapter 3.I. + +How Pantagruel transported a colony of Utopians into Dipsody. + +Pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of Dipsody, transported +thereunto a colony of Utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides +the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of +all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which +otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere +desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the +excessive multitude of men and women, which were in Utopia multiplied, for +number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land. You understand well +enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian +men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the Utopian women carried +matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so +architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven +children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every +married woman, in imitation of the people of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony +(Nicholas) de Lyra be to be trusted. Nor yet was this transplantation made +so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or +commodity of the country of Dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people +within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his +ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never +knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and +who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were +entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses, +sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which +they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing +surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this +singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince, +whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed. + +And not only should they, and their children successively descending from +their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty +and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire; +which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his +intent. For if the Utopians were before their transplantation thither +dutiful and faithful subjects, the Dipsodes, after some few days conversing +with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by +virtue of I know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures +at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight: solemnly +attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry +that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the +good Pantagruel. + +Remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and +retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the +erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and +dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, +disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them +in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after +the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked king, Demoboron, that is +to say, a devourer of his people. + +I will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers. It +shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof, +and yourselves too, if you be not very babes. Newborn, they must be given +suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. Trees newly planted must be +supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests, +mischiefs, injuries, and calamities. And one lately saved from a long and +dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, and +cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts this +opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does not +desire fewer enemies and more friends. Thus Osiris, the great king of the +Egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of arms +as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live well, +and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible +affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. Therefore was he by all +men deservedly entitled the Great King Euergetes, that is to say, +Benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of Jupiter to +(one) Pamyla. + +And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them +angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt the +gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to +men. And for that through their hands the riches and benefits we get from +heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and +still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the offices of +kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most singularly +royal. + +Just such another was the emperor of the universe, Alexander the +Macedonian. After this manner was Hercules sovereign possessor of the +whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and +tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and +justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws, +convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the +country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and +pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all +preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the Athenians, when by the +prowess, valour, and industry of Thrasybulus the tyrants were +exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the +Emperor Aurelian. These are the philtres, allurements, iynges, +inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that +may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired. Nor can a +conqueror reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king, +prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour. +His valour shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear +in the goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws, +publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to +everyone, as the noble poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus: + + Victorque volentes + Per populos dat jura. + +Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good prince and great +king Kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people. + +Such was the consideration of Numa Pompilius, the second king of the +Romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to +god Terminus, on the day of his festival called Terminales, nothing should +be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits, +and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, amity, +and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery. Who doth +otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with +this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked purchaser, and +his acquests perish with him; Juxta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur. +And although during his whole lifetime he should have peaceable possession +thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the hands of his +heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will be charged upon the +defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable +conquest; Juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres. + +Remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy +of your observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one angel made two, +which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of Charlemagne, who made +two devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the +Flemings into Saxony. For, not being able to keep in such subjection the +Saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon +they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn +into Spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his +own country of Flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him, +and transported the Hainaults and Flemings, his ancient loving subjects, +into Saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted +into a strange land. But it happened that the Saxons persisted in their +rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the Flemings dwelling in Saxony did +imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the Saxons. + + + +Chapter 3.II. + +How Panurge was made Laird of Salmigondin in Dipsody, and did waste his +revenue before it came in. + +Whilst Pantagruel was giving order for the government of all Dipsody, he +assigned to Panurge the lairdship of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth +6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the +locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of +435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry. Sometimes it did amount to +1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and +periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year. + +Now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently +well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and +dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for +three whole years. Yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might +say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of +colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the +dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations, +keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, +young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for the +sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling cheap, +and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass. + +Pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no +way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again +tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a +sword to his side. He took all things in good part, and interpreted every +action to the best sense. He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the +least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have +most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his +mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion +whatsoever. For all the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth +containeth, in all their dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length, +are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our +affections, trouble or perplex our senses or spirits. + +He drew only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance +and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong +arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of +living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether +impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him +rich. Rich! answered Panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there? Have +you undertaken the task to enrich me in this world? Set your mind to live +merrily, in the name of God and good folks; let no other cark nor care be +harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain. May +the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or +overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing +annoyance! For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, I cannot be +but rich enough. Everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry. +But many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that +virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. It is by me that they +must be advised. From me, therefore, take this advertisement and +information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in +imitation of the university and parliament of Paris, places in which is to +be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of Pantheology and +all manner of justice. Let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, +and doth not firmly believe it. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, +or the revenue of the bishopric--is it not all one?--for a whole year, yea, +sometimes for two. This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is +installed. Nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it, +unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony. + +It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four +cardinal virtues. Of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none +knows what may fall out. Who is able to tell if the world shall last yet +three years? But although it should continue longer, is there any man so +foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years? + + What fool so confident to say, + That he shall live one other day? + +Of commutative justice, in buying dear, I say, upon trust, and selling +goods cheap, that is, for ready money. What says Cato in his Book of +Husbandry to this purpose? The father of a family, says he, must be a +perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall +become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for sale. + +Of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good +--remark, good--and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like +Ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance; +and likewise to the good--remark, the good--and young wenches. For, +according to the sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, +chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. +Which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the +pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both Platonic and Ciceronian, +that they do acknowledge their being born into this world not to be for +themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their acquaintance may +claim one share, and their friends another. + +The virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and +overthrowing of the great trees, like a second Milo making havoc of the +dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to +wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners, +and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking +places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of +false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even and level +with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of +the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately timber, +and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the dreadful day of +judgment. + +I gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but +grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising +myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of their +sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of +the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches. + +In taking this course I save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain +money,--of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without +water,--of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,--of +threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our +gardens, by the authority of Thestilis in Virgil,--and of the millers, who +are generally thieves,--and of the bakers, who are little better. Is this +small saving or frugality? Besides the mischief and damage of the +field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction usually made by +weasels and other vermin. + +Of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction +and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal +spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, +comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, +striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the +blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the +spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the +back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens +the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth +the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member. It will make you +have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, +spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, +with a thousand other rare advantages. I understand you very well, says +Pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit and shallow +capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time. You are not the +first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered. Nero maintained it, and +above all mortals admired most his uncle Caius Caligula, for having in a +few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant invention, totally spent all the +goods and patrimony which Tiberius had left him. + +But, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the Romans +--to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Licinia, the Cornelia, +the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians--by the which they were +inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year +than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation +of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a sacrifice as the paschal +lamb was amongst the Jews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, +and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without reserving anything +for the next day. I may very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius, +who after that he had by a most extravagant expense wasted all the means +and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly set it on fire, that he +might the better say, Consummatum est. Even just as since his time St. +Thomas Aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole lamprey, although there +was no necessity in it. + + + +Chapter 3.III. + +How Panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers. + +But, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of debt? At the next ensuing +term of the Greek kalends, answered Panurge, when all the world shall be +content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir. The Lord forbid +that I should be out of debt, as if, indeed, I could not be trusted. Who +leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning. + +Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always +to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a +blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal crossly +with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you, +he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon purchase +new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you may make a +shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folk's earth fill +up his ditch. When of old, in the region of the Gauls, by the institution +of the Druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt quick at the +funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not they fear +enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die? For, perforce, +they were to die with them for company. Did not they incessantly send up +their supplications to their great god Mercury, as likewise unto Dis, the +father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve them long in +health? Were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to +look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly? For by +those means were they to live together at least until the hour of death. +Believe me, your creditors with a more fervent devotion will beseech +Almighty God to prolong your life, they being of nothing more afraid than +that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the sleeve than +the arm, and love silver better than their own lives. As it evidently +appeareth by the usurers of Landerousse, who not long since hanged +themselves because the price of the corn and wines was fallen by the return +of a gracious season. To this Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge went +on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in good sooth, sir, when I ponder my +destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my plunges, +and have me at a bay in twitting me with the reproach of my debts and +creditors. And yet did I, in this only respect and consideration of being +a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and formidable. For against +the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet, +without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First +Matter, did I out of nothing become such (a) maker and creator, that I have +created--what?--a gay number of fair and jolly creditors. Nay, creditors, +I will maintain it, even to the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and +goodly creatures. Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and +an accursed imp of the infernal Old Nick. And there is made--what? Debts. +A thing most precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity. Debts, I +say, surmounting the number of syllables which may result from the +combinations of all the consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore +projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble Xenocrates. To judge of +the perfection of debtors by the numerosity of their creditors is the +readiest way for entering into the mysteries of practical arithmetic. + +You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every morning I perceive myself +environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors--humble, fawning, and +full of their reverences. And whilst I remark that, as I look more +favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another, +the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first +despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my +smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that I then act and +personate the god of the passion of Saumure, accompanied with his angels +and cherubims. + +These are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my +parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators; +which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue +described by Hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein I held the first +degree in my commencement. Which dignity, though all human creatures seem +to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties +in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to reach it, as is +easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in +the breast of everyone to be still creating more debts and new creditors. + +Yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor. To acquire +creditors is not at the disposure of each man's arbitrament. You +nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity. You ask me when I +will be out of debt. Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in +your conceit, may Saint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if I have not +all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens +with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept +together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, I say, the whole progeny +of Adam would very suddenly perish without it. Therefore, perhaps, I do +not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great soul of the universe, +which, according to the opinion of the Academics, vivifieth all manner of +things. In confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be +so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear +and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, if +you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the philosopher +Metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no debtor +or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts. + +There amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in +disorder. Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn, +will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the Homeric chain +will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes, +devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements. Saturn, no doubt, +combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of +confusion. + +Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would +scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the +Etrurian tongue. For it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to +them. + +Venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing. The +moon will remain bloody and obscure. For to what end should the sun impart +unto her any of his light? He owed her nothing. Nor yet will the sun +shine upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because +the terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted +nourishment by vapours and exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said, the +Stoics proved, Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented. There +would likewise be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration, +nor transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself +obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earth +then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air will +be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earth +will produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants; no rain will descend +upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will there +be in it any summer or harvest. Lucifer will break loose, and issuing +forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, and horned +devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as +well of the greater as of the lesser nations. Such a world without lending +will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention and wrangling, +more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of Paris; a devil of an +hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the plagues of +Douay. Men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost labour to +expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none +will put to their helping hand. Why? He lent no money, there is nothing +due to him. Nobody is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his +ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and +would never thereafter have lent anything. In short, Faith, Hope, and +Charity would be quite banished from such a world--for men are born to +relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be +introduced Defiance, Disdain, and Rancour, with the most execrable troop of +all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries. Whereupon you will think, +and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle. Men +unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins (as were Lycaon, +Bellerophon, Nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway robbers, cutthroats, +rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent, +pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Metabus, or +Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named Misanthropos, in such +sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to have fish entertained +in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to support or +tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will not lend. These fellows, I +vow, do I hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to the pattern of +this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which lendeth nothing, you +figure and liken the little world, which is man, you will find in him a +terrible justling coil and clutter. The head will not lend the sight of +his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will refuse to bear up the +body; the hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the +members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion for the beating of +the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the lungs will withdraw +the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from convoying any more +blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the bladder will not be +indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will be totally stopped. +The brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall +into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling from the sinews and motion +from the muscles. Briefly, in such a world without order and array, owing +nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more +dangerous conspiration than that which Aesop exposed in his Apologue. Such +a world will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, but perish very +quickly. Were it Aesculapius himself, his body would immediately rot, and +the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its flight to all the devils of +hell after my money. + + + +Chapter 3.IV. + +Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders. + +On the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world, +wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all +creditors. O how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result +from the regular motions of the heavens! Methinks I hear it every whit as +well as ever Plato did. What sympathy will there be amongst the elements! +O how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions! +Whilst Ceres appeareth laden with corn, Bacchus with wines, Flora with +flowers, Pomona with fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and +pleasant. I lose myself in this high contemplation. + +Then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, +tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver, +single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be +found to trot from hand to hand. No suits at law, no wars, no strife, +debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a +pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser. Good +God! Will not this be the golden age in the reign of Saturn? the true idea +of the Olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone +ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth? All will be fair and +goodly people there, all just and virtuous. + +O happy world! O people of that world most happy! Yea, thrice and four +times blessed is that people! I think in very deed that I am amongst them, +and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid +world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the +association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should +be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous, +wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and +wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of Britany, St. Yves +only excepted. Consider, sir, I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a +mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of William +Josseaulme, said no more but this, And he did lend his goods to those who +were desirous of them. + +O the fine saying! Now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model +in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, +according to its own nature. For nature hath not to any other end created +man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the +heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered policy. +The intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul therein +to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its host, (that) +it may live there for a while. Life consisteth in blood, blood is the seat +of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the microcosm is, to be making +blood continually. + +At this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted +from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office. And such is +their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one +lends the other, and the one is the other's debtor. The stuff and matter +convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread and wine. +All kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended in these +two, and from hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage. To find out +this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to work, the +feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; the eyes +guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, by means +of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, which is transmitted +thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the food. The tongue doth +make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do chew it, and the stomach +doth receive, digest, and chylify it. The mesaraic veins suck out of it +what is good and fit, leaving behind the excrements, which are, through +special conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive faculty. +Thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it being changed again, it by +the virtue of that new transmutation becomes blood. What joy, conjecture +you, will then be found amongst those officers when they see this rivulet +of gold, which is their sole restorative? No greater is the joy of +alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and expense they see in their +furnaces the transmutation. Then is it that every member doth prepare +itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine this treasure. The kidneys +through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity from thence which you call +urine, and there send it away through the ureters to be slipped downwards; +where, in a lower receptacle, and proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is +kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due +time. The spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the +grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereof, which you +term melancholy. The bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the +superfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or work-house to +be yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, which by its +agitation of diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtilizeth and +inflames it, that in the right side ventricle it is brought to perfection, +and through the veins is sent to all the members. Each parcel of the body +draws it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is cherished and +alimented by it. Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea, +all; and then it is, that who before were lenders, now become debtors. The +heart doth in its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it +thereby obtains the name of spiritual; which being sent through the +arteries to all the members of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the +other blood which runneth through the veins. The lights never cease with +its lappets and bellows to cool and refresh it, in acknowledgment of which +good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of +its blood. At last it is made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile, +that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by +means whereof the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution, +deliberation, ratiocination, and memory have their rise, actings, and +operations. + +Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out of +myself when I enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of this +world, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, it is a divine thing to +lend,--to owe, an heroic virtue. Yet is not this all. This little world +thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no +sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith +projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are +not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to eternize itself, +and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children. To this end +every member doth of the choicest and most precious of its nourishment pare +and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth it downwards to that +place where nature hath prepared for it very fit vessels and receptacles, +through which descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and +flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, and rooms apt enough both in +man and woman for the future conservation and perpetuating of human kind. +All this is done by loans and debts of the one unto the other; and hence +have we this word, the debt of marriage. Nature doth reckon pain to the +refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his members and an outrageous +fury amidst his senses. But, on the other part, to the lender a set +reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee. + + + +Chapter 3.V. + +How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers. + +I understand you very well, quoth Pantagruel, and take you to be very good +at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause. But preach it up, +and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even +from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end +you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all +upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter +never so little into the thraldom of debt. You shall owe to none, saith +the holy Apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual benevolence. + +You serve me here, I confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes, +descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well. But let me tell +you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully and +an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already +advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens +will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and +fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in +the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the Tyanean philosopher found +it within the city of Ephesus. And I am fully confirmed in the opinion, +that the Persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to lie, +the first being that of owing money. For, in very truth, debts and lying +are ordinarily joined together. I will nevertheless not from hence infer +that none must owe anything or lend anything. For who so rich can be that +sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not lend? + +Let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as Plato very wisely +sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw +any water out of his neighbour's well until first they by continual digging +and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a kind of +potter's earth, which is called ceramite, and there had found no source or +drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which is +fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not +easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation. + +In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing +in all places from everyone, than to work and win. Then only in my +judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious +person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself, +or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected +loss of his goods. + +Howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang +upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them. I make account for the time past +to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you. The +least I should in this point, quoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be +the most I can do. And if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated +and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done +infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own +accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the +reach of any price or value. It transcends all weight, all number, all +measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should I offer to +commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own +noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the +obliged receivers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly. You +have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on me +more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition. You have been +more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your courtesies have by +far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it. But it is +not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter. For there it is not where I +itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for, +henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will I be able to +keep? You may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month, +because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it. I am +very much afraid of it. Furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native +of the country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose. +All the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their postern +petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quittes, that is, For the +quit. My life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it. I +recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for I perceive I will die +confected in the very stench of farts. If, at any time to come, by way of +restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the +grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing +effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present +remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small modicum, +it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of bumshot, like +a sal of muskets. + +Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as +King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from suits in law the Reverend Miles +d'Illiers, Bishop of Chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly +solicited to leave him some few for the exercise of his mind. I had rather +give them all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other +incomes of the locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated +from off the principal sums which I owe. Let us waive this matter, quoth +Pantagruel, I have told it you over again. + + + +Chapter 3.VI. + +Why new married men were privileged from going to the wars. + +But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by what law was it constituted, +ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those +that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted +and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year? By the law, +answered Pantagruel, of Moses. Why, replied Panurge, the lately married? +As for the vine-planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my +condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care +of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine. Nor are these +pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my Book of +Life. It is all with live stones that I set up and erect the fabrics of my +architecture, to wit, men. It was, according to my opinion, quoth +Pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the +first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their +mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at +leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny, +they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs. +That if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of +some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms +might continue with their children in the same families. And next, that, +the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful--for +one year's trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they +married, was held sufficient for the discovery--they might pitch the more +suitably, in case of their first husband's decease, upon a second match. +The fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue; +and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of +their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel +behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial +conveniences and comforts, and such like. The preachers of Varennes, saith +Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and +dishonest. + +Foolish and dishonest? quoth Pantagruel. A plague take such preachers! +Yea but, quoth Panurge, the like mischief also befall the Friar Charmer, +who, in a full auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein +abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds +of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil +in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly +undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the +simple drudgery of one widow. Truly I find your reason in that point right +good and strongly grounded. + +But what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was +granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the +said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as +both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and +evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether +feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such +sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and +ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company +of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern +Bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps? +Nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of Mars, they will so much +as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have +been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart +Venus. + +In confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity, +we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of +some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit +their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a +little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh +supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the +duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater +part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to. + +Just so did the King Crackart, after the battle of the Cornets, not cashier +us (speaking properly), I mean me and the Quail-caller, but for our +refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his +own. My grandfather's godmother was wont to say to me when I was a boy,-- + + Patenostres et oraisons + Sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent. + Ung fiffre en fenaisons + Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent. + + Not orisons nor patenotres + Shall ever disorder my brain. + One cadet, to the field as he flutters, + Is worth two, when they end the campaign. + +That which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did +seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the +first year was wholly elapsed. During all which time also the builders did +hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying +suffocated through want of respiration; as Galen hath most learnedly +remarked, in the second book of the Difficulty of Breathing. Under favour, +sir, I have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly +very ratiocinant. Be not offended, I pray you. + + + +Chapter 3.VII. + +How Panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his +magnificent codpiece. + +Panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the Jewish +fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of +workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea; +and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the flea +was black. O, what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of +a matter, to be thoroughly well informed! The sum of the expense hereof, +being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his council-board carpet, was +found to amount to no more quarterly than the charge of the nuptials of a +Hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, 600,000 maravedis. At these +vast costs and excessive disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to +be out of debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use +to do, he nourished and fed her with the sweat and blood of his subjects +and clients. + +He then took four French ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein +apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched +gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles +to his cap. In this equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel; to +whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before, +see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of +hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the +waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would +raise up against him. Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery, +asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that +new-fangled prosopopoeia. I have, answered Panurge, a flea in mine ear, +and have a mind to marry. In a good time, quoth Pantagruel, you have told +me joyful tidings. Yet would not I hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all +the gladness of them. But it is not the fashion of lovers to be accoutred +in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging down over +their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark brown mingled +hue, which is a colour never used in Talarian garments amongst any persons +of honour, quality, or virtue. If some heretical persons and schismatical +sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and clothed (though +many have imputed such a kind of dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and +an affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds of the rude multitude), I +will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or +sinistrously of them. Everyone overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense +and fancy; yea, in things of a foreign consideration, altogether +extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither +commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the interior of the +thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all good and evil; of goodness, if +it be upright, and that its affections be regulated by the pure and clean +spirit of righteousness; and, on the other side, of wickedness, if its +inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and +depraved by the malice and suggestions of the devil. It is only the +novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, together with the +contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in use. + +The colour, answered Panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that +of my council-board carpet; therefore will I henceforth hold me with it, +and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to +my affairs and business. Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw +man more unpleasing than I will be, if God help me not. Lo, here be my +spectacles. To see me afar off, you would readily say that it were Friar +(John) Burgess. I believe certainly that in the next ensuing year I shall +once more preach the Crusade. Bounce, buckram. Do you see this russet? +Doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue +known to very few in the world. I did not take it on before this morning, +and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and +vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; I itch, I tingle, I +wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of +cudgel-blows, I may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a +bull-horned devil. O the provident and thrifty husband that I then will +be! After my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will +they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes +thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly +wary and complete householder. Cops body, this is not the carpet whereon +my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by +setting down an X for a V, or an L for an S. For in that case should I +make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face. Look upon me, sir, both +before and behind,--it is made after the manner of a toga, which was the +ancient fashion of the Romans in time of peace. I took the mode, shape, +and form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant Arch +of Septimus Severus. I am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats, +cassocks, and hoquetons. My shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with +the carrying of harness. Let armour cease, and the long robe bear sway! +At least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding year, if I be +married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, you evidenced. In what +concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, that +the breeches were only ordained for the use of the codpiece, and to no +other end; which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, give credit to +every whit, as well as to the saying of the fine fellow Galen, who in his +ninth book, Of the Use and Employment of our Members, allegeth that the +head was made for the eyes. For nature might have placed our heads in our +knees or elbows, but having beforehand determined that the eyes should +serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to +execute their designed office, fixed them in the head, as on the top of a +long pole, in the most eminent part of all the body--no otherwise than we +see the phares, or high towers erected in the mouths of havens, that +navigators may the further off perceive with ease the lights of the nightly +fires and lanterns. And because I would gladly, for some short while, a +year at least, take a little rest and breathing time from the toilsome +labour of the military profession, that is to say, be married, I have +desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, and consequently have laid aside +my breeches. For the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece of +armour that a warrior doth carry; and therefore do I maintain even to the +fire (exclusively, understand you me), that no Turks can properly be said +to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their law forbidden to be +worn. + + + +Chapter 3.VIII. + +Why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors. + +Will you maintain, quoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece +of a military harness? It is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for +we say, At spurs begins the arming of a man. Sir, I maintain it, answered +Panurge, and not wrongfully do I maintain it. Behold how nature, having a +fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs, +sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all +succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although the +individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most +curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein +the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering, +guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks, +cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, ears, +rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead of +strong, fair, and natural codpieces. As is manifestly apparent in pease, +beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons, +corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as likewise in all +plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently +seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, overshadowed, +corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or +parcel of the whole. + +Nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the +sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man +naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and +that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the +golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not +war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and +title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables, +as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of +beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects. Yet afterwards it happening +in the time of the iron age, under the reign of Jupiter, when, to the +multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take +root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth +began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other +stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man. Nor scarce was +there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him, +and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer, +nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of obedience, +but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt +and harm they could. The man, then, that he might maintain his primitive +right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion over all, both +vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth that he could not +be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude and subjection of +several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he must needs put on +arms, and make provision of harness against wars and violence. By the holy +Saint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last +rain, a great lifrelofre,--philosopher, I should say. Take notice, sir, +quoth Panurge, when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own arming, what +part of the body it was, where, by her inspiration, he clapped on the first +harness. It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little dog the ballock +and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando--which done, he was content, and +sought no more. This is certified by the testimony of the great Hebrew +captain (and) philosopher Moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member +with a brave and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right +curious devices of a notably pregnant invention made up and composed of +fig-tree leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory +notches, curled frizzling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together +with their colour, smell, virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and +fit for the covering and arming of the satchels of generation--the +hideously big Lorraine cullions being from thence only excepted, which, +swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for +being quite out of all order and method, the stately fashion of the high +and lofty codpiece; as is manifest by the noble Valentine Viardiere, whom I +found at Nancy, on the first day of May--the more flauntingly to +gallantrize it afterwards--rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table +after the manner of a Spanish cloak. Wherefore it is, that none should +henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin +hieth to the wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the +skull, but, Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the +testicles. By the whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head +being cut off, that single person only thereby dieth. But, if the ballocks +be marred, the whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost +for ever. + +This was the motive which incited the goodly writer Galen, Lib. 1. De +Spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a less +evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of genitories; for +there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a secessive repository +and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source of the whole +offspring of mankind. Therefore would I be apt to believe, for less than a +hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by means whereof +Deucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling with men and +women the world, which a little before that had been drowned in the +overflowing waves of a poetical deluge. This stirred up the valiant +Justinian, L. 4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in +Braguibus, et Braguetis. For this and other causes, the Lord Humphrey de +Merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he +was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old +rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years +since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his +lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very +maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and +packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body +than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it +with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her +otherwise utterly unprofitable. On this lady were penned these subsequent +verses, which are extant in the third book of the Shitbrana of Paltry +Wenches. + + When Yoland saw her spouse equipp'd for fight, + And, save the codpiece, all in armour dight, + My dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest + Is that exposed, you know I love the best? + Was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,-- + Or rather pious, conscionable care? + Wise lady, she! In hurlyburly fight, + Can any tell where random blows may light? + +Leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new +manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me. + + + +Chapter 3.IX. + +How Panurge asketh counsel of Pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or +no. + +To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he +had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his +heart, a very deep sigh, said, My lord and master, you have heard the +design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all +the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. I +humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne +me, to give me your best advice therein. Then, answered Pantagruel, seeing +you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is +fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but +forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved? Yea but, quoth +Panurge, I would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had +thereto. It is my judgment also, quoth Pantagruel, and I advise you to it. +Nevertheless, quoth Panurge, if I understood aright that it were much +better for me to remain a bachelor as I am, than to run headlong upon new +hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, I would rather choose not +to marry. Quoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry. Yea but, quoth Panurge, +would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life, +without the comfort of a matrimonial consort? You know it is written, Vae +soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is +found with married folks. Then marry, in the name of God, quoth +Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold--as it +is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the +production of that kind of cattle--I would fly out, and grow impatient +beyond all measure and mean. I love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem +unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and I truly do very willingly +frequent their company; but should I die for it, I would not be one of +their number. That is a point for me of a too sore prickling point. Then +do not marry, quoth Pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence +of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others +will do the like to thee. Do you, quoth Panurge, aver that without all +exception? Yes, truly, quoth Pantagruel, without all exception. Ho, ho, +says Panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in +this world or in the other which is to come. Yet seeing I can no more want +a wife than a blind man his staff--(for) the funnel must be in agitation, +without which manner of occupation I cannot live--were it not a great deal +better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and +virtuous woman, than as I do, by a new change of females every day, run a +hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not +of both together. For never--be it spoken by their husbands' leave and +favour--had I enjoyment yet of an honest woman. Marry then, in God's name, +quoth Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, it were the will of God, and that +my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat +me, I would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of +Job, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged +dealings. For it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have +ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family +lacketh not for good vinegar. Yet in that case should it go worse with me, +if I did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly +bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and +milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so +after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait +at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul. I could make a shift for +this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay +aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it. + +Do not marry then, answered Pantagruel. Yea but, quoth Panurge, +considering the condition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark +what I say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were I deeply on the +score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being +quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards +me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. And if by +some mishap I should fall sick, I would be looked to very waywardly. The +wise man saith, Where there is no woman--I mean the mother of a family and +wife in the union of a lawful wedlock--the crazy and diseased are in danger +of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by +clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates, +cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure +yourself, you shall not find me. Marry then, in the name of God, answered +Pantagruel. But if, quoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through +that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is +incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping +sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and +prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not +help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make +sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is +worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as I have seen it oftentimes +befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly, +to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate +reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then, quoth Pantagruel. Yea but, said +Panurge, I shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and +daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and +arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my inheritances and +purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some +one or other of these mornings I will make a fair and goodly show), that so +I may cheer up and make merry when otherwise I should be plunged into a +peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the +gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as +all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses. +For being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret +and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so +just, I am afraid, instead of consolation, that I should meet with nothing +else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune. Marry +then, in the name of God, quoth Pantagruel. + + + +Chapter 3.X. + +How Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the difficulty of giving advice in +the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the +Homeric and Virgilian lotteries. + +Your counsel, quoth Panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth unto +me not unlike to the song of Gammer Yea-by-nay. It is full of sarcasms, +mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and +contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other. I know not, +quoth Pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for your +proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground nothing on them, +nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to what is +demanded by them. Are not you assured within yourself of what you have a +mind to? The chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there. All +the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal disposition +of the heavens. + +We see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their +family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, or +representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be +so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of devils +which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of Thebais and Montserrat +are not more miserable than they. It is therefore expedient, seeing you +are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, that, with +shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business +to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the success of the +residue to the disposure of Almighty God. It lieth not in my power to give +you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to certify you of what +shall ensue on this your undertaking. Nevertheless, if it please you, this +you may do. Bring hither Virgil's poems, that after having opened the +book, and with our fingers severed the leaves thereof three several times, +we may, according to the number agreed upon betwixt ourselves, explore the +future hap of your intended marriage. For frequently by a Homeric lottery +have many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in the person of +Socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this +verse of Homer, said of Achilles in the Ninth of the Iliads-- + + Emati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen, + + We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came-- + +thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die. Of the +truth whereof he assured Aeschines; as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in Primo, +de Divinatione, Diogenes Laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in +their works. The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, to whom, +being desirous to know if he should be the Roman emperor, befell, by chance +of lot, this sentence in the Eighth of the Iliads-- + + O geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai, + Ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei. + + Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone. + Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down. + +In fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the +sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by +Heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof, +thrust out of all, and killed. Brutus doth also bear witness of another +experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by +lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the Pharsalian battle +wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of +Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads-- + + Alla me moir oloe, kai Letous ektanen uios. + + Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead. + +And accordingly Apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that +fight. Divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known +by casting of Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than +the obtaining of the Roman empire, as it happened to Alexander Severus, +who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this +verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids-- + + Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento. + + Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign. + +He, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest +created and installed Roman emperor. A semblable story thereto is related +of Adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing +humour to know in what account he was with the Emperor Trajan, and how +large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had +recourse, after the manner above specified, to the Maronian lottery, which +by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids-- + + Quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae + Sacra ferens? Nosco crines incanaque menta + Regis Romani. + + But who is he, conspicuous from afar, + With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear? + By the white hair and beard I know him plain, + The Roman king. + +Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the +empire. Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy Emperor Claudius befell +this line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids-- + + Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas. + + Whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king + In Latium. + +And in effect he did not reign above two years. To the said Claudian also, +inquiring concerning his brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a +colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in +the Sixth of the Aeneids-- + + Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata. + + Whom Fate let us see, + And would no longer suffer him to be. + +And it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had +attained unto the management of the imperial charge. The very same lot, +also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor Gordian the younger. +To Claudius Albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his +future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the Sixth of +the Aeneids-- + + Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu + Sistet Eques, &c. + + The Romans, boiling with tumultuous rage, + This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage: + With victories he the Carthaginian mauls, + And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls. + +Likewise, when the Emperor D. Claudius, Aurelian's predecessor, did with +great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his hap +was to alight on this verse in the First of the Aeneids-- + + Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. + + No bounds are to be set, no limits here. + +Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race. When Mr. +Peter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape the +ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell upon +this verse in the Third of the Aeneids-- + + Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum! + + Oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! + +Which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these +ambuscades. + +Were it not to shun prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like +adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have by +that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious researchers of +them. Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I +would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an uncontrollable and +not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth. + + + +Chapter 3.XI. + +How Pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the throwing of dice +to be unlawful. + +It would be sooner done, quoth Panurge, and more expeditely, if we should +try the matter at the chance of three fair dice. Quoth Pantagruel, That +sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly +scandalous. Never trust in it. The accursed book of the Recreation of +Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia, near Bourre, by that +ancient enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue +or massive image of the Bourraic Hercules, did of old, and doth in several +places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into his +snares. You know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his +kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts +thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and cast it +out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any +well-polished state or commonwealth. What I have told you of dice, I say +the same of the play at cockall. It is a lottery of the like guile and +deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in +opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate cast +of Tiberius, within the fountain of Aponus, at the oracle of Gerion. These +are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto him the +foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition. + +Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, I am content you +throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the +blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that +page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon. + +Have you any dice in your pocket? A whole bagful, answered Panurge. That +is provision against the devil, as is expounded by Merlin Coccaius, Lib. +2. De Patria Diabolorum. The devil would be sure to take me napping, and +very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice. With this, the +three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon the +lower points that the cast was five, six, and five. These are, quoth +Panurge, sixteen in all. Let us take the sixteenth line of the page. The +number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy +chance. May I be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great +bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a +battalion of foot, in case so many times I do not boult my future wife the +first night of our marriage! Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all, +quoth Pantagruel. You needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid +imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small a +business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you know +is usually at tennis called fifteen. At the next justling turn you may +readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen. Is it +so, quoth Panurge, that you understand the matter? And must my words be +thus interpreted? Nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed by +that valiant champion who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood sentry at +the hypogastrian cranny. Did you ever hitherto find me in the +confraternity of the faulty? Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for +ever and a day. I do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor, +without default. And therein am I willing to be judged by the players. He +had no sooner spoke these words than the works of Virgil were brought in. +But before the book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My heart, +like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast. Be pleased +to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. At its +frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after +the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the +examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty of a +graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the Sorbonists. + +But would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that we +should invocate Hercules and the Tenetian goddesses who in the chamber of +lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway? +Neither him nor them, answered Pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the +book with your fingers, and set your nails awork. + + + +Chapter 3.XII. + +How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian lottery what fortune Panurge +shall have in his marriage. + +Then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the +disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this following verse: + + Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est. + + The god him from his table banished, + Nor would the goddess have him in her bed. + +This response, quoth Pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or +advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a +strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold. The goddess, whom you +shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most +redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an +enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and +adulterers. The god is Jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from +heaven. And withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of +the ancient Etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls +or slinging casts of the Vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her +and to Jupiter her father capital. This was verified in the conflagration +of the ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any +other of the Olympic gods. Men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them. +Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the +profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised +the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at +first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, who +were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare with +their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill Pelion +set on lofty Ossa, and that the mount Olympus was made shake to be erected +on the top of both, then was it that Jupiter held a parliament, or general +convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and condescended to by +all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their +defence. And because they had often seen battles lost by the cumbersome +lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly huddled in amongst +armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that they should expel and +drive out of heaven into Egypt and the confines of Nile that whole crew of +goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice, +ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd transformations; only Minerva +was reserved to participate with Jupiter in the horrific fulminating power, +as being the goddess both of war and learning, of arts and arms, of counsel +and despatch--a goddess armed from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, +in the air, by sea and land. By the belly of Saint Buff, quoth Panurge, +should I be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons? Nay, I am neither a cripple, +coiner of false money, nor smith, as he was. My wife possibly will be as +comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I +a cuckold like him. The crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be +declared a cuckold by a definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of +all the gods. For this cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned +verse quite contrary to what you have said. This lot importeth that my +wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed, +surly, wayward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted +out of the brains, as was the goddess Pallas; nor shall this fair jolly +Jupiter be my co-rival. He shall never dip his bread in my broth, though +we should sit together at one table. + +Consider his exploits and gallant actions. He was the manifest ruffian, +wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed. +He did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by +a sow in the Isle of Candia, if Agathocles the Babylonian be not a liar, +and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by +others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the Amalthaean goat. +By the virtue of Acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day +the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that +was Europa. For this grand subagitatory achievement the Ammonians caused +draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming, +and horned ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve myself +from that horned champion. He will not, trust me, have to deal in my +person with a sottish, dunsical Amphitryon, nor with a silly witless Argus, +for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock Acrisius, +the simple goose-cap Lycus of Thebes, the doting blockhead Agenor, the +phlegmatic pea-goose Aesop, rough-footed Lycaon, the luskish misshapen +Corytus of Tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined Atlas. Let +him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred +various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower of gold, +or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister Juno; into an +eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin Phthia, who +then dwelt in the Aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, even into a +flea; into Epicurean and Democratical atoms, or, more +Magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in +the schools are called second notions,--I'll catch him in the nick, and +take him napping. And would you know what I would do unto him? Even that +which to his father Coelum Saturn did--Seneca foretold it of me, and +Lactantius hath confirmed it--what the goddess Rhea did to Athis. I would +make him two stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian cymbals, and cut so +close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereof so much +as one--, so cleanly would I shave him, and disable him for ever from being +Pope, for Testiculos non habet. Hold there, said Pantagruel; ho, soft and +fair, my lad! Enough of that,--cast up, turn over the leaves, and try your +fortune for the second time. Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse: + + Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis. + + His joints and members quake, he becomes pale, + And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal. + +This importeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and +belly. Clean and quite contrary, answered Panurge; it is of me that he +prognosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a tiger if she vex me. +Sir Martin Wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel, +the devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Candaul the Lydian +king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured. + +You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and courageous; Hercules himself durst +hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury. Nor is it +strange; for the Jan is worth two, and two in fight against Hercules are +too too strong. Am I a Jan? quoth Panurge. No, no, answered Pantagruel. +My mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. Thereafter did he +hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse: + + Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore. + + After the spoil and pillage, as in fire, + He burnt with a strong feminine desire. + +This portendeth, quoth Pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob +you. Hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future +destiny, I clearly see it,--you will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and +you will be robbed. Nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth Panurge; for it is +certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect +liking. Nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when he +affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes +pleasure to steal from her sweetheart. And what, I pray you? A glove, a +point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a +gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof. In like manner, +these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which +frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt a +couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative diversions +for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more fervent amity than +ever. As, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with hammers maul their +finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron tools the better. And +therefore do I think that these three lots make much for my advantage; +which, if not, I from their sentence totally appeal. There is no +appellation, quoth Pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot +or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult. +Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a +superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of her substitutes. +And in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in full, as +openly by the said author is alleged in L. Ait Praetor, paragr. ult. ff. de +minor. + + + +Chapter 3.XIII. + +How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his +marriage by dreams. + +Now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or +interpreting the sense of the Virgilian lots, let us bend our course +another way, and try a new sort of divination. Of what kind? asked +Panurge. Of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered Pantagruel; it +is by dreams. For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being +thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hippocrates, in Lib. +Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle, +Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber, +Theocritus, Pliny, Athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee +what is to come. How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and +familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes, +well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and +profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and +are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem +most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on +the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary. Even just so, +when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished, +and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to +disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its +native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable +participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine +source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere, +whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the +universal world, to wit, God, according to the doctrine of Hermes +Trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past +escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only +what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of sublunary +matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a relation +of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and exterior +organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others. Whereupon the +owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or prophet. +Nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those +things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the +imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the +effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto +this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so much +splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her. Hence +it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of these +somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a dexterous, +learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory +expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is +called onirocrit, or oniropolist. For this cause Heraclitus was wont to +say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by dreams +concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical signification +and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own prosperous or +unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success of another. +The sacred Scriptures testify no less, and profane histories assure us of +it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of +strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the +dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others. The Atlantic +people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of Thasos, one of the Cyclades, +are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries none yet ever +dreamed. Of this sort (were) Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes, and in our days +the learned Frenchman Villanovanus, neither of all which knew what dreaming +was. + +Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosy +fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable +shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping +sound, and thereto apply yourself. In the meanwhile you must denude your +mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, fear +and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and renowned +prophet Proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation into fire, +water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and visors, to +presage anything that was to come till he was restored to his own first +natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his reception of the art +of divination and faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in +him which is the most divine, to wit, the Nous, or Mens, must be calm, +peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted +with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations. I am content, quoth Panurge. +But, I pray you, sir, must I this evening, ere I go to bed, eat much or +little? I do not ask this without cause. For if I sup not well, large, +round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked turnip. All the night +long I then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering fits talk idle +nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as deep in their +dumps as is my belly hollow. + +Not to sup, answered Pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state +of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body. A certain very +ancient prophet, named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to +be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals, +and to abstain from wine three days together. Yet shall not you be put to +such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet. I am truly right +apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and +in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of +spiritual things; yet am not I of the opinion of those who, after long and +pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into +the speculation of celestial mysteries. You may very well remember how my +father Gargantua (whom here for honour sake I name) hath often told us that +the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every +whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when they +did compose them. It is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be in a +good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but a +kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the physicians +jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring from, and +have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, refined and +purified to the life within the admirable net which, wonderfully framed, +lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain. He gave us also the +example of the philosopher who, when he thought most seriously to have +withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the rustling +clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to improve +his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his +uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded +and environed about so with the barking of curs, bawling of mastiffs, +bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of jackdaws, grunting of +swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of cats, cheeping of +mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling +of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, chattering of jays, +peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirping of +swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees, +rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of ravens, screeching of +owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, grumbling of +cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of quails, chirping of +sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, wheening of whelps, +buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, humming +of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, sussing of kitlings, +clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of buffaloes, warbling +of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of turkeys, coniating of +storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of magpies, murmuring of +stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of +beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, rantling of rats, +guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of pelicans, quacking of +ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing of horses, crying of +elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, that he was much +more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the crowd at the fair of +Fontenay or Niort. Just so is it with those who are tormented with the +grievous pangs of hunger. The stomach begins to gnaw, and bark, as it were, +the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some refection to +themselves from the proper substance of all the members of a fleshy +consistence, violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming spirit, +careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural host, which is the body; as +when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring aloft in +the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn back by a leash tied to her +feet. + +To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of Homer, the +father of all philosophy, who said that the Grecians did not put an end to +their mournful mood for the death of Patroclus, the most intimate friend of +Achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies +protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief. For from bodies +emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of +moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion. + +Mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to abandon +it. You may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of a hare, +nor of any other flesh. You are likewise to abstain from beans, from the +preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, and all +other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your +brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal spirits. +For, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or representation of +the object set before it, and exposed to have its image to the life +expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be darkened by gross +breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, infectious exhalations, even +so the fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those +things which divination doth afford by dreams, if any way the body be +annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam of meat which it had taken in a +while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual +sympathy and fellow-feeling of an indissolubly knit affection. You shall +eat good Eusebian and Bergamot pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin +kind, a parcel of the little plums of Tours, and some few cherries of the +growth of my orchard. Nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue +doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by +some peripatetic philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do +more copiously in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other +time. The same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets, +who allege that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under +the leaves which are spread on the ground--by reason that the leaves fall +from the trees in the autumnal quarter. For the natural fervour which, +abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its +ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the dreaming +person--the experiment is obvious in most--is a pretty while before it be +expired, dissolved, and evanished. As for your drink, you are to have it +of the fair, pure water of my fountain. + +The condition, quoth Panurge, is very hard. Nevertheless, cost what price +it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto; +protesting that I shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my somniatory +exercitations. Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer's two gates, to +Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. If they in this my +great need succour me and grant me that assistance which is fitting, I will +in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed of the softest +down. If I were now in Laconia, in the temple of Juno, betwixt Oetile and +Thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me of my +doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial dreams in a deep sleep. + +Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel: Sir, were it not expedient for my +purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and +bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean? There is +no need at all of that, quoth Pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing +very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us +in the writings of Serapion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon, +and Fulgentius Planciades. I could say as much to you of the left shoulder +of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it spoken to +the credit which is due to the opinion of old Democritus; and likewise of +the stone of the Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the Ammonian horn; +for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like +gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a ram's horn, as +the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reported to have been: they over and above +assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who carry it about them are no +less veritable and infallible than the truth of the divine oracles. Nor is +this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two gates of +sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what +you have in hand. The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused, +doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, how small and slender +soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close +compactedness of its material parts hindering the penetration of the visual +rays and the reception of the specieses of such things as are visible. The +other is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain dreams, +even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous splendour and bright +transparency thereof, the species of all objects of the sight distinctly +pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are clearly seen. Your +meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth Friar John, that the dreams +of all horned cuckolds, of which number Panurge, by the help of God and his +future wife, is without controversy to be one, are always true and +infallible. + + + +Chapter 3.XIV. + +Panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof. + +At seven o'clock of the next following morning Panurge did not fail to +present himself before Pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time +Epistemon, Friar John of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and +others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo! here cometh +our dreamer. That word, quoth Epistemon, in ancient times cost very much, +and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob. Then said Panurge, I have +been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaffer +Noddy-cap. Dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take +along with me no more thereof that I did goodly understand save only that I +in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no +less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished, +cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if I had been another neat +dilly-darling minion, like Adonis. Never was man more glad than I was +then; my joy at that time was incomparable. She flattered me, tickled me, +stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid +her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty little +horns above my forehead. I told her in the like disport, as I did play the +fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below +mine eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at with them; +for, being so situated, Momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did +once with the position of the horns of bulls. The wanton, toying girl, +notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary, did always drive +and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which to me seemed wonderful, she +did not do me any hurt at all. A little after, though I know not how, I +thought I was transformed into a tabor, and she into a chough. + +My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry, +displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth. There have you a large +platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare +not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in +them. Come, Carpalin, let us to breakfast. To my sense and meaning, quoth +Pantagruel, if I have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by +dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the +world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a +visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so +far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a +conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith, +break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body +to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold. This point is +clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by Artemidorus just as I +have related it. Nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made +of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as +ever was tabor at a merry wedding. Nor yet will she be changed into a +chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of +that thievish bird. Hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot +conform and agreeable to the Virgilian lots. A cuckold you will be, beaten +and robbed. Then cried out Father John with a loud voice, He tells the +truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold--an honest one, I warrant +thee. O the brave horns that will be borne by thee! Ha, ha, ha! Our good +Master de Cornibus. God save thee, and shield thee! Wilt thou be pleased +to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and I will go through the parish +church to gather up alms for the poor. + +You are, quoth Panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the +matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof. My dream presageth that I +shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods--the +hornifying of me showing that I will possess a cornucopia, that Amalthaean +horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still +portend the wealth of the enjoyer. You possibly will say that they are +rather like to be satyr's horns; for you of these did make some mention. +Amen, Amen, Fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae. Thus shall I have my +touch-her-home still ready. My staff of love, sempiternally in a good +case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out--a thing which all men wish +for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as +nevertheless is granted but to a few. Hence doth it follow by a +consequence as clear as the sunbeams that I will never be in the danger of +being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is Causa sine qua non; yea, the +sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds. What makes poor +scoundrel rogues to beg, I pray you? Is it not because they have not +enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes? What is it +makes the wolves to leave the woods? Is it not the want of flesh meat? +What maketh women whores? You understand me well enough. And herein may I +very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, presidents, +counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and +commentators on the venerable rubric, De frigidis et maleficiatis. You +are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my boldness if I have +transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to +cuckoldry. Diana wears them on her head after the manner of a crescent. +Is she a cucquean for that? How the devil can she be cuckolded who never +yet was married? Speak somewhat more correctly, I beseech you, lest she, +being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns shapen by the pattern of +those which she made for Actaeon. The goodly Bacchus also carries horns, +--Pan, Jupiter Ammon, with a great many others. Are they all cuckolds? If +Jove be a cuckold, Juno is a whore. This follows by the figure metalepsis: +as to call a child, in the presence of his father and mother, a bastard, or +whore's son, is tacitly and underboard no less than if he had said openly +the father is a cuckold and his wife a punk. Let our discourse come nearer +to the purpose. The horns that my wife did make me are horns of abundance, +planted and grafted in my head for the increase and shooting up of all good +things. This will I affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and +credit both upon it. As for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolic, +glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the +hands of a good drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still +rolling, still buzzing and cracking. Believe me, sir, in that consisteth +none of my least good fortunes. And my wife will be jocund, feat, compt, +neat, quaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a +pretty little Cornish chough. Who will not believe this, let hell or the +gallows be the burden of his Christmas carol. + +I remark, quoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak +of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the +beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the +end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were +forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed. Yea, quoth Panurge, the reason of +that was because I had fasted too long. Flatter not yourself, quoth +Pantagruel; all will go to ruin. Know for a certain truth, that every +sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved, +and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth +and portendeth a future imminent mishap. To signify an evil, that is to +say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or +malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent +within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of +sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue +of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare itself, +and moves toward the outward superficies. At this sad stirring is the +sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and +stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and +trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say proverbially, to +incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake a sleeping lion, +instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more familiar and plain +meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the worse by meddling +with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is at quiet. On the +other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in what concerneth +the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, is as much to +say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal fortune or +mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to +come to pass. A clear and evident example hereof is to be found in the +dream and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as likewise in that of Eurydice, the +wife of Orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, saith Ennius, +but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were +affrighted horribly. Thereupon these accidents ensued: Hecuba had her +husband Priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, and saw +then the destruction of her country; and Eurydice died speedily thereafter +in a most miserable manner. Aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to Hector a +little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was +afraid. Now hereupon did follow this event: Troy that same night was +spoiled, sacked, and burnt. At another time the same Aeneas dreaming that +he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and +astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the +very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was +like to have perished and been cast away. Moreover, Turnus being prompted, +instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to +enter into a bloody war against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and +disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous +routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be +killed in a single combat by the said Aeneas. A thousand other instances I +could afford, if it were needful, of this matter. Whilst I relate these +stories of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fabius Pictor, who faithfully +averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or +enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand +foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the +oracles of somnial divination. To this there is no want of pregnant +reasons, no more than of examples. For if repose and rest in sleeping be a +special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers, +and by the poet attested in these lines, + + Then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh + Of human labourers the wearied flesh; + +such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and +indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous +fortune to ensue. Otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a +scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above, +but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar +saying. + +Suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very +sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at +his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof +there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden +fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a +horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be +astonished exceedingly. But what? he heard his male servants cry, Fire, +fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, Stop thief, stop thief! +and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, Murder, O murder, +murder! Then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, for +application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for succouring +of his distressed household? Truly I remember that the Cabalists and +Massorets, interpreters of the sacred Scriptures, in treating how with +verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions (because oftentimes the +angel of Satan is disguised and transfigured into an angel of light), said +that the difference of these two mainly did consist in this: the +favourable and comforting angel useth in his appearing unto man at first to +terrify and hugely affright him, but in the end he bringeth consolation, +leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, well-pleased, fully content, +and satisfied; on the other side, the angel of perdition, that wicked, +devilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the +beginning cheereth up the heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him, +and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed. + + + +Chapter 3.XV. + +Panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered +beef. + +The Lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth Panurge. I see you +well enough, but know not what it is that you have said. The +hunger-starved belly wanteth ears. For lack of victuals, before God, I +roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness. I have performed too +hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed. He shall be craftier, and +do far greater wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any more +this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming verdict. +Fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil. Pox take that fashion! Come, +Friar John, let us go break our fast; for, if I hit on such a round +refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper +and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink sufficient, +then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity which presseth, I +could make a shift that day to forbear dining. But not to sup! A plague +rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to Nature! That lady made +the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his +negotiation and employment; and that we may with the more fervency and +ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a clear burning candle, to +wit, the sun's resplendency; and at night, when she begins to take the light +from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than if she would have spoken +thus unto us: My lads and lasses, all of you are good and honest folks, you +have wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled enough,--the night +approacheth,--therefore cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist from +all your swinking painful labours, and set your minds how to refresh your +bodies in the renewing of their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and +store of wholesome meats; then may you take some sport and recreation, and +after that lie down and rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly, +lustily, and with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as +formerly. + +Falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer +them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that +they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better. That good pope who was +the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he +ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the +remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any +time thereof. In ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would +say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other +occupation. Each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the +claustral proverb, De missa ad mensam. They do not use to linger and defer +their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as they +have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to without +ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it were some +vain, conceited, dreaming dotard. Hence was a supper called coena, which +showeth that it is common to all sorts of people. Thou knowest it well, +Friar John. Come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name of all the devils +of the infernal regions, let us go. The gnawings of my stomach in this +rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a mastiff. Let +us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the +sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best monastical brewis, the prime, the +flower of the pot. I am for the solid, principal verb that comes after +--the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round slice of the +nine-lecture-powdered labourer. I know thy meaning, answered Friar John; +this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle. The labourer is the +ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the fashion of nine +lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and thoroughly boiled. +These holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic institution of the +ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition conveyed from hand to +hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were wont to flourish that +their matutinal devotion with some certain notable preambles before their +entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the +pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries, +and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine service they might not bring +anything that was unclean or foul. These things thus done, they very +zealously made their repair to the Holy Chapel, for so was in their canting +language termed the convent kitchen, where they with no small earnestness +had care that the beef-pot should be put on the crook for the breakfast of +the religious brothers of our Lord and Saviour; and the fire they would +kindle under the pot themselves. Now, the matins consisting of nine +lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, that must have risen the rather +for the more expedite despatching of them all. The sooner that they rose, +the sharper was their appetite and the barkings of their stomachs, and the +gnawings increased in the like proportion, and consequently made these godly +men thrice more a-hungered and athirst than when their matins were hemmed +over only with three lessons. The more betimes they rose, by the said +cabal, the sooner was the beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on +the fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer; +the tenderer that it was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the +palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the +more substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first +founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat, +and in this world have nothing but their life. Let us go, Panurge. + +Now have I understood thee, quoth Panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine +and claustral ballock. I freely quit the costs, interest, and charges, +seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of +the culinary and monastic cabal. Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar +John, my leather-dresser. Good morrow to you all, my good lords; I have +dreamed too much to have so little. Let us go. Panurge had no sooner done +speaking than Epistemon with a loud voice said these words: It is a very +ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and +presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the +understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man's own mishap +is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere. This is exceeding +judiciously and prudently deciphered by Aesop in his Apologues, who there +affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in +the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others +always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof, +which hangs behind, are kept the bearer's proper transgressions and +inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless +he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens. + + + +Chapter 3.XVI. + +How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust. + +A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge and said unto him, +The affection which I bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind +by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration of +your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what I have thought +thereon. It hath been told me that at Panzoust, near Crouly, dwelleth a +very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things +to come. Take Epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what +she will say unto you. She is possibly, quoth Epistemon, some Canidia, +Sagana, or Pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch, +--I being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this +character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the +abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever +did the plains of Thessaly. I should not, to my thinking, go thither +willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether +forbidden in the law of Moses. We are not Jews, quoth Pantagruel, nor is +it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by +others that she is a witch. Let us for the present suspend our judgment, +and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of +those niceties. Do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a +second Cassandra? But although she were neither, and she did not merit the +name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the +name of God, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the +instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts? Seeing especially, +and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are +acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of +understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth +or to the sex whereof she is. What hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the +laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, a +fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a +goldsmith's crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper? You may remember to +have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, immediately after +his having obtained a glorious victory over the King Darius in Arbela, +refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious courtiers that +were about him, to give audience to a poor certain despicable-like fellow, +who through the solicitations and mediation of some of his royal attendants +was admitted humbly to beg that grace and favour of him. But sore did he +repent, although in vain, a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, the +surly state which he then took upon him to the denial of so just a suit, +the grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a brace of +potent cities. He was indeed victorious in Persia, but withal so far +distant from Macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy of the one did +not expel the extreme grief which through occasion of the other he had +inwardly conceived; for, not being able with all his power to find or +invent a convenient mean and expedient how to get or come by the certainty +of any news from thence, both by reason of the huge remoteness of the +places from one to another, as also because of the impeditive interposition +of many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and +obstructive interjection of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,--whilst +he was in this sad quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may +suppose, could not be of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a +matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess +his country, seize on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and +plant thereon foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any +advertisement of it: for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful +inconveniency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a certain Sidonian +merchant of a low stature but high fancy, very poor in show, and to the +outward appearance of little or no account, having presented himself before +him, went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon +a ready mean and way by the which those of his territories at home should +come to the certain notice of his Indian victories, and himself be +perfectly informed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within +less than five days. Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen +animadvertency of mind, through his rash opinion of the improbability of +performing a so strange and impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the +merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified him. What +could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest man had invented and +contrived for his good? What detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could +he have undergone to listen to the discovery of that secret which the good +fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him? Nature, I am +persuaded, did not without a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no +gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of enclosures, as she +hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of +the body. The cause, as I imagine, is to the end that every day and every +night, and that continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual +hearing apt to learn. For, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the +reception of the knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may +be that man was an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from God, as +Raphael was to Tobit. Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard +him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did +he do penance for it. You say very well, answered Epistemon, yet shall you +never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the +advantage or commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman, +namely, of such a woman, and the woman of such a country. Truly I have +found, quoth Panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly +in that of the old wives amongst them; for every time I consult with them I +readily get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut +passage. They are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and +in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law. +Therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them +sage or wise women. In confirmation of which opinion of mine, the +customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage +women. The epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing +dexterous in the knowledge of most things. And I give them the title of +presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future +contingencies and events of things to come. Sometimes I call them not +maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions. Whether it be so, +ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our master Ortuinus. I +furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable +institution of the pristine Germans, who ordained the responses and +documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced, +and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard +of the sanctuary. And as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of +these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no +less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours. Witness the +old wife Aurinia, and the good mother Velled, in the days of Vespasian. +You need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying +in qualities sublime--I would have said sibylline. Let us go, by the help, +let us go, by the virtue of God, let us go. Farewell, Friar John, I +recommend the care of my codpiece to you. Well, quoth Epistemon, I will +follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a +sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or +enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to +leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further +in. + + + +Chapter 3.XVII. + +How Panurge spoke to the Sibyl of Panzoust. + +Their voyage was three days journeying. On the third whereof was shown +unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a +hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree. Without great difficulty +they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily +movabled, and all besmoked. It matters not, quoth Epistemon; Heraclitus, +the grand Scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing +astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he +did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made +as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous +magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and +pleasure. I withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so +famous and renowned Hecate was just such another petty cell as this is, +when she made a feast therein to the valiant Theseus; and that of no other +better structure was the cot or cabin of Hyreus, or Oenopion, wherein +Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to +harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty +repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed Orion. They +finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, Epistemon said, +She is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by +the Grei kaminoi of Homer. The old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and +condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the +ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement, +and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment; +for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed, +crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still +drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she was +making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with a bit +skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of waterish, +unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones. Epistemon said, +By the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any +response at all, for we have not brought along with us the branch of gold. +I have, quoth Panurge, provided pretty well for that, for here I have it +within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied with some fair +pieces of small money. No sooner were these words spoken, when Panurge +coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a profound and +humble salutation, presented her with six neat's tongues dried in the smoke, +a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a borachio furnished with good +beverage, and a ram's cod stored with single pence, newly coined. At last +he, with a low courtesy, put on her medical finger a pretty handsome golden +ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased a precious toadstone of +Beausse. This done, in few words and very succinctly, did he set open and +expose unto her the motive reason of his coming, most civilly and +courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give +him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the future good luck of his +intended marriage. + +The old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a dog; +then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a bushel, +she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had turned and +whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several fashions, she +pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the sharpest +whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a stone +trough. After this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine times +unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth revolution or +turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of +their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from +any further stirring. In sequel whereof she pulled off one of her wooden +pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice when +he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, gaudy, party-coloured +string knit it under her neck. Being thus covered and muffled, she whiffed +off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, took three several pence +forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set +down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and then, after she had given them +three whisks of a broom besom athwart the chimney, casting into the fire +half a bavin of long heather, together with a branch of dry laurel, she +observed with a very hush and coy silence in what form they did burn, and +saw that, although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise or +crackling din. Hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful +shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few barbarous words of a strange +termination. + +This so terrified Panurge that he forthwith said to Epistemon, The devil +mince me into a gallimaufry if I do not tremble for fear! I do not think +but that I am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms of +any Christian language. O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me to be +by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself with +her apron. What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps? What +can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy shoulders? +To what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the +dismembering of a lobster? My ears through horror glow; ah! how they +tingle! I think I hear the shrieking of Proserpina; the devils are +breaking loose to be all here. O the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts! Let +us run away! By the hook of God, I am like to die for fear! I do not love +the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows. Now let us fly, and +betake us to our heels. Farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your +goods! I will not marry; no, believe me, I will not. I fairly quit my +interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time +forward, even as much as at present. With this, as he endeavoured to make +an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and make +him stop. The way how she prevented him was this: whilst in her hand she +held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, where, +after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several times, +she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, wrote with +the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which she threw +into the air, then said unto them, Search after them if you will; find them +if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are written in them. + +No sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto her +lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her gown, +her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full +inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by Panurge, he said to +Epistemon, God's bodikins, I see the sibyl's hole! She suddenly then +bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any more. They +jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and gathered +them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the wind had +scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley. When they had +ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their +sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich: + + Thy fame upheld + (Properly, as corrected by Ozell: + Thy fame will be shell'd + By her, I trow.), + Even so, so: + And she with child + Of thee: No. + Thy good end + Suck she shall, + And flay thee, friend, + But not all. + + + +Chapter 3.XVIII. + +How Pantagruel and Panurge did diversely expound the verses of the Sibyl of +Panzoust. + +The leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, Epistemon and Panurge +returned to Pantagruel's court, partly well pleased and other part +discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble +they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged, +stony, rough, and ill-adjusted. They made an ample and full relation of +their voyage unto Pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and condition of +the sibyl. Then, having presented to him the leaves of the sycamore, they +show him the short and twattle verses that were written in them. +Pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the +matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to Panurge, +You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your hogs to a +fine market. The prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us +the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and presaged +to us by the decree of the Virgilian lots and the verdict of your own +proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and +discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in +prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you, +--will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, scratch +and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,--will +leave the print of her blows in some member of your body. You understand +as much, answered Panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding +of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery. Be not offended, +sir, I beseech you, that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in +choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true. +Take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words. The old wife said that, +as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad or +hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and +transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad +proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency +thereof, until preallably I get a wife and make the full half of a married +couple. How many times have I heard you say that the function of a +magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and +endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him. +That is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of +a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he +lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of +him than of a bean within his husk. And thus stands the first article +explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and +estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore? + +Now to the meaning of the second article! My wife will be with child, +--here lies the prime felicity of marriage,--but not of me. Copsody, that I +do believe indeed! It will be of a pretty little infant. O how heartily I +shall love it! I do already dote upon it; for it will be my dainty feedle- +darling, my genteel dilly-minion. From thenceforth no vexation, care, or +grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how hugely great or +vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall evanish forthwith at +the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing of the chat and +prating of its childish gibberish. And blessed be the old wife. By my +truly, I have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension upon her out of +the readiest increase of the lands of my Salmigondinois; not an inconstant +and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed bachelors, but +sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting +doctors. If this interpretation doth not please you, think you my wife +will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as +women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so as that it may be +said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born, +as was Hippolytus,--as was Proteus, one time of Thetis, and secondly, of +the mother of the philosopher Apollonius,--as were the two Palici, near the +flood Simaethos in Sicily. His wife was big of child with him. In him is +renewed and begun again the palintocy of the Megarians and the palingenesy +of Democritus. Fie upon such errors! To hear stuff of that nature rends +mine ears. + +The words of the third article are: She will suck me at my best end. Why +not? That pleaseth me right well. You know the thing; I need not tell you +that it is my intercrural pudding with one end. I swear and promise that, +in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well +victualled for her use as may be. She shall not suck me, I believe, in +vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in +peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally. You expound this +passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny. I love the +exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense +whereto you stretch it. It may be that the sincerity of the affection +which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory +thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come. We have +this saying from the learned, That a marvellously fearful thing is love, +and that true love is never without fear. But, sir, according to my +judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth +signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of Greek +and Latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous +dalliance, which Venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by +fervent lovers filchingly. Why so, I prithee tell? Because, when the feat +of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily, +between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly, +and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an +unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess, and to me also +--I speak this without prejudice to any better or more sound opinion--than +to perform that culbusting art after the Cynic manner, in the view of the +clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, within +a glorious and sublime pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich +curtains of cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long intermediate +respites, enjoying of pleasures and delights a bellyfull, at all great +ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of +some East-Indian ostrich serving to give chase unto the flies all round +about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks her teeth with a stiff +straw picked even then from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on. If +you be not content with this my exposition, are you of the mind that my +wife will suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and swallow oysters out +of the shell? or as the Cilician women, according to the testimony of +Dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of alkermes? Assuredly that is an +error. Who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes +away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of +hey-pass, repass. + +The fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all. O +the fine word! You interpret this to beating strokes and blows. Speak +wisely. Will you eat a pudding? Sir, I beseech you to raise up your +spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of +sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries +and wonders of Dame Nature. And here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a +renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and +somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl. +Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that, by the instigation of the +devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold downwards to +the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from me, yea, and +lay violently her hands upon me;--she nevertheless should fail of her +attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable +undertakings. The reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on +this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest privacies of a +monastic pantheology, as good Friar Arthur Wagtail told me once upon a +Monday morning, as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a bushel of +trotter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard. God give him the good +morrow! The women at the beginning of the world, or a little after, +conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of mankind +inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole +earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, confirmed, +swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they owe to the +nocturnal Sanct Rogero. But O the vain enterprises of women! O the great +fragility of that sex feminine! They did begin to flay the man, or peel +him (as says Catullus), at that member which of all the body they loved +best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five thousand +years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till +this hour but the head. In mere despite whereof the Jews snip off that +parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be called +clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other nations. My +wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not +so already. I heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not give her +leave to flay it all. Nay, truly will I not, my noble king. + +Yea but, quoth Epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and +exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without +yielding any noise or crackling. You know it is a very dismal omen, an +inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous, +and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick +philosopher Porphyrius, Eustathius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many +others. Verily, verily, quoth Panurge, brave are the allegations which you +bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves. These men were fools, as +they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as +they were of philosophy. + + + +Chapter 3.XIX. + +How Pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men. + +Pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his +peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, The +malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you. I have read that +in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which +either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking. +For many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and +ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and +obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences. For +which cause Apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed Loxias. Those +which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted +the truest and the most infallible. Such was the opinion of Heraclitus. +And Jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in Ammon frequently +predictions. Nor was he single in this practice; for Apollo did the like +amongst the Assyrians. His prophesying thus unto those people moved them +to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled +person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and +beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians. Let us +make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some dumb +person without any speaking. I am content, quoth Panurge. But, says +Pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as +have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for +none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard. + +How is it, quoth Panurge, that you conceive this matter? If you apprehend +it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others, +I will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd +and paradoxical conclusion. But let it pass; I will not insist on it. You +do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two children, who, at the +special command and appointment of Psammeticus, King of Egypt, having been +kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and entertained +in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time, +pronounce this word Bec, which in the Phrygian language signifieth bread. +Nothing less, quoth Pantagruel, do I believe than that it is a mere abusing +of our understandings to give credit to the words of those who say that +there is any such thing as a natural language. All speeches have had their +primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements of +nations in their respective condescendments to what should be noted and +betokened by them. An articulate voice, according to the dialecticians, +hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sense and meaning +thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first +deviser and imposer of it. I do not tell you this without a cause; for +Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig., very seriously reporteth that even in +his time there was in Eugubia one named Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who, +although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood +nevertheless everyone that talked in the Italian dialect howsoever he +expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external gestures, and +casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips and chaps. I +have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent author, that +Tyridates, King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a voyage to Rome, +where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and with all manner +of pomp and magnificence. Yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal +amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman senate, there +was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not shown unto him. At +his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample donatives of an +inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to testify his affection +towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice of any +whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his fancy, with a promise +juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused of his demand. +Thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so gracious offer, he +required a certain Jack-pudding whom he had seen to act his part most +egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew not what it +was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the signs and +gesticulations which he had made. And for this suit of his, in that he +asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide and +spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of his +sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much +differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak +unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated +to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters. Now with this +man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great +inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine +gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete, +expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak. +Howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and +from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more +vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some +adulterate lustre and affectation. Yet whether this dumb person shall be +of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and +altogether dependeth on your own election. + +I would more willingly, quoth Panurge, consult with and be advised by a +dumb woman, were it not that I am afraid of two things. The first is, that +the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent +unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the +sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of +the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation. Whatever +signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour, +carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they +will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the +culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of +our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else +but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists +of a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish. Do you remember what happened +at Rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof? A +young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of Mount Celion, +with a beautiful Latin lady named Verona, who from her very cradle upwards +had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a +chironomatic Italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his +fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of +that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she had +met with going up thither. For you are to conceive that he, knowing no +more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both. She in the +meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he +had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely +gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what +herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally +desire of a woman. Then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of +venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious than +words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which when +he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most +lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her. +Whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of +one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily. + +The other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, that +to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall backwards +in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their +consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands. Or if they should +chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they would +prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them ourselves +should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling +academy. You know very well how at Brignoles, when the religious nun, +Sister Fatbum, was made big with child by the young Stiffly-stand-to't, her +pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a full +convention of the convent, accused of incest. Her excuse was that she did +not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous +force of the Friar Stiffly-stand-to't. Hereto the abbess very austerely +replying, Thou naughty wicked girl, why didst thou not cry, A rape, a rape! +then should all of us have run to thy succour. Her answer was that the +rape was committed in the dortour, where she durst not cry because it was a +place of sempiternal silence. But, quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench, +why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next +chamber beside thee? To this she answered that with her buttocks she made +a sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet never one of them did so +much as offer to come to her help and assistance. But, quoth the abbess, +thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou not tell it me immediately after the +perpetration of the fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and +canonically have accused him? I would have done so, had the case been +mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine innocency. I truly, madam, +would have done the like with all my heart and soul, quoth Sister Fatbum, +but that fearing I should remain in sin, and in the hazard of eternal +damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, I did confess myself to the +father friar before he went out of the room, who, for my penance, enjoined +me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any. It were a most enormous +and horrid offence, detestable before God and the angels, to reveal a +confession. Such an abominable wickedness would have possibly brought down +fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us +all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company with Korah, Dathan, and +Abiram. + +You will not, quoth Pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh. I +know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe +the highest of the commandments of God than break the least of their +provincial statutes. Take you therefore Goatsnose, a man very fit for your +present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very +remotest infancy of his childhood. + + + +Chapter 3.XX. + +How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge. + +Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel's court; at +his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a hog, two +puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small money; +then, having brought him before Pantagruel, in presence of the gentlemen of +the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him. He yawned a long time, and in +yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure +of the Greek letter Tau by frequent reiterations. Afterwards he lifted up +his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his head like a she-goat in +the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing whereof he did cough and +sigh exceeding heavily. This done, after that he had made demonstration of +the want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt took his placket-racket +in a full grip, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his +thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body stooped a little forwards, and +bowed his left knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms +on his breast, in a loose faint-like posture, the one over the other, he +paused awhile. Goatsnose looked wistly upon him, and having heedfully +enough viewed him all over, he lifted up into the air his left hand, the +whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise close together, except the thumb +and the forefinger, whose nails he softly joined and coupled to one +another. I understand, quoth Pantagruel, what he meaneth by that sign. It +denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, according to the profession +of the Pythagoreans. You will be married. Thanks to you, quoth Panurge, +in turning himself towards Goatsnose, my little sewer, pretty master's +mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader. +Then did he lift higher up than before his said left hand, stretching out +all the five fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as +he possibly could get done. Here, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and +fully insinuate unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary +number, that you shall be married. Yea, that you shall not only be +affianced, betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore +cohabit and live jollily and merrily with your wife; for Pythagoras called +five the nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the +consummation of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first +of the odd, and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and +female knit and united together. In very deed it was the fashion of old in +the city of Rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it +permitted to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent +and wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and +most abject of the world. Moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims +implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in +five several good offices to those that were to be married. Of this sort +were the nuptial Jove, Juno, president of the feast, the fair Venus, Pitho, +the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and Diana, whose aid and succour +was required to the labour of child-bearing. Then shouted Panurge, O the +gentle Goatsnose, I will give him a farm near Cinais, and a windmill hard +by Mirebalais! Hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous +vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing +himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand. By the body +of a fox new slain, quoth Pantagruel, what is that? This maketh nothing +for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be +inauspicious and unfortunate. This sneezing, according to the doctrine of +Terpsion, is the Socratic demon. If done towards the right side, it +imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may go +whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he +shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning, +progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be +all lucky, good, and happy. The quite contrary thereto is thereby implied +and presaged if it be done towards the left. You, quoth Panurge, do take +always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another Davus, +casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this +old paltry Terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and +imposture. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath written I know not +what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divination. + +Panurge then, turning himself towards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him. +He inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the +left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth. This done, he +posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which +was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the +room where his codpiece had been. Then did he keep his right hand +altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight turned +backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it afterwards on +that most eminent part of the buttocks which the Arabs call the Al-Katim. +Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange: he held his right hand after +the manner of the left, and posited it on the place wherein his codpiece +sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form and fashion of the +right, he placed it upon his Al-Katim. This altering of hands did he +reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated his eyelids +into their own first natural position. Then doing the like also with his +jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon Goatsnose, diddering and +shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, and rabbits, whilst, +almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in the sheaf. + +Then was it that Goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly +open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first +articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers, +pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, whilst +the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the wrist, he +stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore and little +fingers. That hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and posited upon +Panurge's navel, moving withal continually the aforesaid thumb, and bearing +up, supporting, or under-propping that hand upon the above-specified fore +and little fingers, as upon two legs. Thereafter did he make in this +posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses, +successively to mount from athwart the belly to the stomach, from whence he +made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to Panurge's neck, still +gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, he had put within the +concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then fiercely brandishing +the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate against his nose, he heaved +it further up, and made the fashion as if with the thumb thereof he would +have put out his eyes. With this Panurge grew a little angry, and went +about to withdraw and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil. +But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose of his +prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, with the above-mentioned +shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, and after that the borders +and corners of his cap. At last Panurge cried out, saying, Before God, +master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me +any more, you shall receive from the best hand I have a mask wherewith to +cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry shitten varlet. Then said +Friar John, He is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him. +Bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle. + +What the devil, quoth Panurge, means this busy restless fellow? What is it +that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at? +He hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a +skillet with butter and eggs. By God, da jurandi, I will feast you with +flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and +finger-fillipings! Then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a +volley of farts for his farewell. Goatsnose, perceiving Panurge thus to +slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to +stand, made this sign unto him. He let fall his right arm toward his knee +on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that +hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and +mid fingers thereto belonging. Then scrubbing and swingeing a little with +his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the elbow +of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair and +softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself even to +the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down as low as +before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of time, +raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to Panurge. This so +incensed Panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him the +dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the respect +and reverence which he carried to the presence of Pantagruel restrained his +choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits. Then said Pantagruel, +If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grievously will +you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which by them are +represented and signified! All truths agree and are consonant with one +another. This dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you will be +married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed. As for the marriage, quoth +Panurge, I yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his +prediction; as for the rest, I utterly abjure and deny it: and believe, +sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of +wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than +I. + + + +Chapter 3.XXI. + +How Panurge consulteth with an old French poet, named Raminagrobis. + +I never thought, said Pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so +headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as I have +found you to be and see you are. Nevertheless, the better to clear and +extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned +nor wind unsailed by. Take good heed to what I am to say unto you. The +swans, which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour +of their approaching death, especially in the Meander flood, which is a +river that runneth along some of the territories of Phrygia. This I say, +because Aelianus and Alexander Myndius write that they had seen several +swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant before +their death. However, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a +swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth until +preallably he have sung. + +After the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when +they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and +by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which +are to come. It hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit +men upon the brinks of Charon's banks do usher their decease with a +disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, of +the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and contingencies. I +remember also that Aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, calleth the +old folks Sibyls, Eith o geron Zibullia. For as when, being upon a pier by +the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, and other travellers +alongst the curled waves of azure Thetis within their ships, we then +consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any further than to wish +them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do approach near to the +haven, and come to wet their keels within their harbour, then both with +words and gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their access +safe to the port wherein we are ourselves. Just so the angels, heroes, and +good demons, according to the doctrine of the Platonics, when they see +mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the grave, as the most sure and +calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, free from +the troubles and solicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous world; then +is it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and comfort +them, and, speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with +illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries of +divination. I will not offer here to confound your memory by quoting +antique examples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector +towards Achilles, of Polymnestor towards Agamemnon, of Hecuba, of the +Rhodian renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indian towards Alexander the +Great, of Orodes towards Mezentius, and of many others. It shall suffice +for the present that I commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight +and cavalier William of Bellay, late Lord of Langey, who died on the Hill +of Tarara, the 10th of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of +our supputation 1543, according to the Roman account. The last three or +four hours of his life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very +pithy discourse, whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all +trouble he did foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is +come to pass, and the rest we wait for. Howbeit, his prophecies did at +that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because +there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith +to the belief of what he did prognosticate. We have here, near to the town +of Villomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to wit, Raminagrobis, who +to his second wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair +Basoche. It hath been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter +end that he is almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof. +Repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to +what he shall chant unto you. It may be that you shall obtain from him what +you desire, and that Apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your +scruples. I am content, quoth Panurge. Let us go thither, Epistemon, and +that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our +coming. Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John? Yes, that I will, quoth +Friar John, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for I +love thee with the best of my milt and liver. + +Thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they +all three went, and quickly thereafter--for they made good speed--arriving +at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the +agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open +countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity. After that +Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him +with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his +left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an Oriental +sapphire, very fair and large. Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make +an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon the +tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, lustily +shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud. This done, +Panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to favour +him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching the future +destiny of his intended marriage. For answer hereto, when the honest old +man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and +that he was at the same call conveniently served with all the three, he +wrote these following verses: + + Take, or not take her, + Off, or on: + Handy-dandy is your lot. + When her name you write, you blot. + 'Tis undone, when all is done, + Ended e'er it was begun: + Hardly gallop, if you trot, + Set not forward when you run, + Nor be single, though alone, + Take, or not take her. + + Before you eat, begin to fast; + For what shall be was never past. + Say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath: + Then wish at once her life and death. + Take, or not take her. + +These lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, Go, +my lads, in peace! the great God of the highest heavens be your guardian +and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with +this or any other business whatsoever. I have this same very day, which is +the last both of May and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and +difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and +plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white, +ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive +importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent +and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish +stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of I know +not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and call me +out of those sweet thoughts wherein I was already beginning to repose +myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost in the +very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good God hath +prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and state of +immortality. Turn out of their courses and eschew them, step forth of +their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more troubled +by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you. + + + +Chapter 3.XXII. + +How Panurge patrocinates and defendeth the Order of the Begging Friars. + +Panurge, at his issuing forth of Raminagrobis's chamber, said, as if he had +been horribly affrighted, By the virtue of God, I believe that he is an +heretic; the devil take me, if I do not! he doth so villainously rail at +the Mendicant Friars and Jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of the +Christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two +celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the Romish +Church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish +of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised. But what harm, +in the devil's name, have these poor devils the Capuchins and Minims done +unto him? Are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched already? +Who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of ichthyophagy, +are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with misery, distress, and +calamity? Dost thou think, Friar John, by thy faith, that he is in the +state of salvation? He goeth, before God, as surely damned to thirty +thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the lopping of a +vine-branch. To revile with opprobrious speeches the good and courageous +props and pillars of the Church,--is that to be called a poetical fury? I +cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against +the true religion. I am very much offended at his scandalizing words and +contumelious obloquy. I do not care a straw, quoth Friar John, for what he +hath said; for although everybody should twit and jerk them, it were but a +just retaliation, seeing all persons are served by them with the like sauce: +therefore do I pretend no interest therein. Let us see, nevertheless, what +he hath written. Panurge very attentively read the paper which the old man +had penned; then said to his two fellow-travellers, The poor drinker doteth. +Howsoever, I excuse him, for that I believe he is now drawing near to the +end and final closure of his life. Let us go make his epitaph. By the +answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser than I +was. Hearken here, Epistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be +very resolute in his responsory verdicts? He is a witty, quick, and subtle +sophister. I will lay an even wager that he is a miscreant apostate. By +the belly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be mistaken in his +words. He answered but by disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which +he saith; for the verity of such-like propositions is inherent only in one +of its two members. O the cozening prattler that he is! I wonder if +Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging shirks. Such was of old, quoth +Epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticinator and prophet Tiresias, who +used always, by way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning +of his divinations and predictions that what he was to tell would either +come to pass or not. And such is truly the style of all prudently presaging +prognosticators. He was nevertheless, quoth Panurge, so unfortunately +misadventurous in the lot of his own destiny, that Juno thrust out both his +eyes. + +Yes, answered Epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for +having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question +which was merrily proposed by Jupiter. But, quoth Panurge, what archdevil +is it that hath possessed this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, +and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly +inveighed against these poor honest fathers, Jacobins, Minors, and Minims? +It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my +indignation. He hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth +infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils. I understand you not, +quoth Epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly +and perversely interpret that of the Friar Mendicants which by the harmless +poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other coloured +animals. He is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and +fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the Begging +Brothers. He in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas, +punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin, +whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some +brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and +unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those +also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and +constitution. It is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the +lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body. Possibly doth he +suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the Egyptians, together with +all those who inhabit the Erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores +and coasts of the Red Sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his +arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the Arabians call +meden. You are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and +wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said +fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge. +We still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers, +interpret all things to the best. Will you teach me, quoth Panurge, how to +discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget +children? He is, by the virtue of God, an arrant heretic, a resolute, +formal heretic; I say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn as +the little wooden clock at Rochelle. His soul goeth to thirty thousand +cartsful of devils. Would you know whither? Cocks-body, my friend, +straight under Proserpina's close-stool, to the very middle of the +self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation, +voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the +left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws +and talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth +towards the black chamber of Demogorgon. O the villain! + + + +Chapter 3.XXIII. + +How Panurge maketh the motion of a return to Raminagrobis. + +Let us return, quoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our +abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his +salvation. Let us go back, for God's sake; let us go, in the name of God. +It will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so +in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose +both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the +eternal damnation of his soul. We will by our holy persuasions bring him +to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to acknowledge his +faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and stir up in him +such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as will prompt him +with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands of the +good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are present. Whereupon +we will take instrument formally and authentically extended, to the end he +be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as were the +hobgoblins of the provost's wife of Orleans, to the undergoing of such +punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and inflicted on those that +inhabit the horrid cells of the infernal regions; and withal incline, +instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an +amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done to those good +religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters, and monasteries +of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing, store of +obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease, every +one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that the great +borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables, as +well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of +the abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,--the +very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally +admitted to the benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the +aged rectors and professed fathers. This is the surest ordinary means +whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness. Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken; I +digress from the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits +were a-wool-gathering. The devil take me, if I go thither! Virtue God! +The chamber is already full of devils. O what a swinging, thwacking noise +is now amongst them! O the terrible coil that they keep! Hearken, do you +not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they +scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the +Raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to +Monsieur Lucifer? Beware, and get you hence! for my part, I will not go +thither. The devil roast me if I go! Who knows but that these hungry mad +devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a +qui for a quo, and instead of Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge frank and +free? Though formerly, when I was deep in debt, they always failed. Get +you hence! I will not go thither. Before God, the very bare apprehension +thereof is like to kill me. To be in a place where there are greedy, +famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils--amidst +trading and trafficking devils--O the Lord preserve me! Get you hence! I +dare pawn my credit on it, that no Jacobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin, +Theatin, or Minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment. The +wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will +and testament. The devil take me, if I go thither. If he be damned, to +his own loss and hindrance be it. What the deuce moved him to be so +snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion? +Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his +chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of +the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy +admonitions? Why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly +lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, +and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks, +who have nothing but their life in this world? Let him go thither who +will, the devil take me if I go; for, if I should, the devil would not fail +to snatch me up. Cancro. Ho, the pox! Get you hence, Friar John! Art +thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with +thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my request do these three +things. First, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked +with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to +thee which not long ago happened to John Dodin, collector of the excise of +Coudray, at the ford of Vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. This +moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with +Friar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan observantin of Mirebeau, promised him a +new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would +bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead +goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue. The condition +being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks, +and layeth upon his back, like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of +the said supplicant Dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a good will, +as Aeneas bore his father Anchises through the conflagration of Troy, +singing in the meanwhile a pretty Ave Maris Stella. When they were in the +very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel of the +water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him. Yes, quoth Dodin, a +whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the +performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new +frock. How! quoth Friar Crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the +express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to +carry on us any kind of money. Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me +in this point to commit a heinous trespass. Why didst thou not leave thy +purse with the miller? Without fail thou shalt presently receive thy +reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within +the limits of our chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to +the Vitulos. With this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he +throws me down your Dodin headlong. Take example by this Dodin, my dear +friend Friar John, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee +away at thine own ease. Give me thy purse. Carry no manner of cross upon +thee. Therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger. For if you +have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down +headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for +the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet Aeschylus can +sufficiently bear witness. Such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet +bully, and I would be sorry for it. Or otherwise they will let thee fall +and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, I know +not where; but, I warrant thee, far enough hence, as Icarus fell, which +from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the Funnelian Sea. + +Secondly, be out of debt. For the devils carry a great liking to those +that are out of debt. I have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own +particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting +me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was all to pieces. +The soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. + +Thirdly, with the cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and in +case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith +come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge +of paying for the pint and faggot. Now, if for the more security thou +wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou +searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,--nay, do not. I +advise thee for the best. Get you hence; I will not go thither. The devil +take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth +Friar John, I would not care so much as might possibly be expected I +should, if I once had but my sword in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the +nail on the head, quoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle +and well-skilled in the art of devilry. At the time when I was a student +in the University of Toulouse (Tolette), that same reverend father in the +devil, Picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to tell us +that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords as much as +the splendour and light of the sun. In confirmation of the verity whereof +he related this story, that Hercules, at his descent into hell to all the +devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify them with his club +and lion's skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining armour upon +him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished and unrusted, by the aid, +counsel, and assistance of the Sybilla Cumana. That was perhaps the reason +why the senior John Jacomo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a-dying at Chartres, +called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying +about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywhere within his +reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; by which +resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devils +that were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death. +When the Massorets and Cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the +devils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer +hath been, is, and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the +gate thereof with a flame-like glistering sword in his hand. Although, to +speak in the true diabological sense or phrase of Toledo, I must needs +confess and acknowledge that veritably the devils cannot be killed or die +by the stroke of a sword, I do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to +the doctrine of the said diabology, that they may suffer a solution of +continuity (as if with thy shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a +burning fire, or the gross opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure +smoke), and cry out like very devils at their sense and feeling of this +dissolution, which in real deed I must aver and affirm is devilishly +painful, smarting, and dolorous. + +When thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence of +the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think, +Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the +voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clattering +and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the +justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the +clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the +clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses, +with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double +cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively? I cannot goodly deny but that in +these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat +occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies. +But the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most +boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all, +and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous +howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion, +waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive +unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those means suffer a solution +of and division in the continuity of their aerial and invisible substances; +as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast +meat on the spit, should get from Mr. Greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles +with a cudgel. They cry out and shout like devils, even as Mars did when +he was hurt by Diomedes at the siege of Troy, who, as Homer testifieth of +him, did then raise his voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously +high than ten thousand men together would have been able to do. What +maketh all this for our present purpose? I have been speaking here of +well-furbished armour and bright shining swords. But so is it not, Friar +John, with thy weapon; for by a long discontinuance of work, cessation from +labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that +practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, for want +of occupation, it is, upon my faith, become more rusty than the key-hole of +an old powdering-tub. Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these +two things: either furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or +otherwise have a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume +to return to the house of Raminagrobis. For my part, I vow I will not go +thither. The devil take me if I go. + + + +Chapter 3.XXIV. + +How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon. + +Having left the town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards +Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to Epistemon, spoke thus: +My most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my +thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not +able to help and succour me? Epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in +hand, represented unto Panurge how the open voice and common fame of the +whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery +of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in +the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the +purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that extravagant +and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a too just +occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next he +would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go apparelled as he +was wont to do. I am, quoth Panurge, my dear gossip Epistemon, of a mind +and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold and to be +unfortunate in my wedlock. For this cause have I made a vow to young St. +Francis--who at Plessis-les-Tours is much reverenced of all women, +earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for he was the first +founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they naturally covet, +affect, and long for--to wear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no +codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and perturbation of +my spirits be fully settled. + +Truly, quoth Epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen. +It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto +yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and straying +abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man. This +whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn promise +made by the shag-haired Argives, who, having in their controversy against +the Lacedaemonians for the territory of Thyrea, lost the battle which they +hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to carry never any +hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both +their honour and lands. As likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleasant +Spaniard called Michael Doris, who vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the +shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off. +Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a green and +yellow hood with a hare's ears tied to it, either the aforesaid +vainglorious champion, or that Enguerrant, who having forgot the art and +manner of writing histories set down by the Samosatian philosopher, maketh +a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof. For, at the first +reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it had been broached +for the introducing of a story of great importance and moment concerning +the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change and mutation of +potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world laugheth at the +capricious champion, at the Englishman who had affronted him, as also at +their scribbler Enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth than a mustard +pot. The jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the mountain of +Horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as +a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at which deplorable and +exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole neighbourhood being assembled +in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous production, could at last +perceive no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse. + +Your mousing, quoth Panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks +should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly persuaded that some +flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will I do. It +is now a long time since, by Jupiter Philos (A mistake of the +translator's.--M.), we did swear faith and amity to one another. Give me +your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, Should I marry or no? +Truly, quoth Epistemon, the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently +apparent that I find myself too weak and insufficient to give you a +punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and if ever it was true that +judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal art, what was said by +Hippocrates of Lango, it is certainly so in this case. True it is that in +my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be +pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disentangling your mind of those +dubious apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not thoroughly +satisfy me. Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see +his proper genius may know his own destiny. I understand not their +doctrine, nor do I think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable +abuse. I have seen the experience of it in a very curious gentleman of the +country of Estangourre. This is one of the points. There is yet another +not much better. If there were any authority now in the oracles of Jupiter +Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres, +Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in +Syria, between the Branchidians; of Bacchus in Dodona; of Mercury in +Phares, near Patras; of Apis in Egypt; of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in +Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in +Cilicia; of Orpheus in Lesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; I would in +that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their judgment +concerning the design and enterprise you have in hand. But you know that +they are all of them become as dumb as so many fishes since the advent of +that Saviour King whose coming to this world hath made all oracles and +prophecies to cease; as the approach of the sun's radiant beams expelleth +goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking +spirits, and tenebrions. These now are gone; but although they were as yet +in continuance and in the same power, rule, and request that formerly they +were, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust +in their responses. Too many folks have been deceived thereby. It stands +furthermore upon record how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the +crime of having interrogated the oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if +she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius; for which cause +she was first banished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious +death. + +But, saith Panurge, let us do better. The Ogygian Islands are not far +distant from the haven of Sammalo. Let us, after that we shall have spoken +to our king, make a voyage thither. In one of these four isles, to wit, +that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is reported, +and I have read in good antique and authentic authors, that there reside +many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, and diviners of +things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair chains +of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being nourished with +divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store and abundance +transmitted to him from the heavens, by I do not well know what kind of +fowls,--it may be that they are the same ravens which in the deserts are +said to have fed St. Paul, the first hermit,--he very clearly foretelleth +unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his lot +what his destiny will be, and what future chance the Fates have ordained +for him; for the Parcae, or Weird Sisters, do not twist, spin, or draw out +a thread, nor yet doth Jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything +which the good old celestial father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he +is asleep. This will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we +but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of +this my perplexity. That is, answered Epistemon, a gullery too evident, a +plain abuse and fib too fabulous. I will not go, not I; I will not go. + + + +Chapter 3.XXV. + +How Panurge consulteth with Herr Trippa. + +Nevertheless, quoth Epistemon, continuing his discourse, I will tell you +what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king. Hard by +here, in the Brown-wheat (Bouchart) Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa. You know +how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others +of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let us talk +a little, and confer with him about your business. Of that, answered +Panurge, I know nothing; but of this much concerning him I am assured, that +one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the great king +of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys and footboys +of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between two doors, jumbled, +one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, who is passable fair, +and a pretty snug hussy. Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all +heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who discoursed boldly +of adventures past, with great confidence opened up present cases and +accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future events and +contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and cunning that he had, to +perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to be very chaste, and +hath not till this hour got notice of anything to the contrary. Yet let us +go to him, seeing you will have it so; for surely we can never learn too +much. They on the very next ensuing day came to Herr Trippa's lodging. +Panurge, by way of donative, presented him with a long gown lined all +through with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and +covered with a velvet scabbard, and with fifty good single angels; then in +a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his opinion touching the +affair. At the very first Herr Trippa, looking on him very wistly in the +face, said unto him: Thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a +cuckold,--I say, of a notorious and infamous cuckold. With this, casting +an eye upon Panurge's right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This +rugged draught which I see here, just under the mount of Jove, was never +yet but in the hand of a cuckold. Afterwards, he with a white lead pen +swiftly and hastily drew a certain number of diverse kinds of points, which +by rules of geomancy he coupled and joined together; then said: Truth +itself is not truer than that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little +after thy marriage. That being done, he asked of Panurge the horoscope of +his nativity, which was no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that, +erecting a figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a +complete fabric of the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he +had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he +fetched a deep sigh, and said: I have clearly enough already discovered +unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot +escape it. And here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that +I may now hardily pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation +at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten +by thine own wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods +from thee; for I find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant +influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace, +according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the +horned signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn. In the fourth house I find +Jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to Saturn, +associated with Mercury. Thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest +fellow, I warrant thee. I will be? answered Panurge. A plague rot thee, +thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art! When +all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their +standard-bearer. But whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two +fingers? This Panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand +betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards +Herr Trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting +into his fist his thumb with the other fingers. Then, in turning to +Epistemon, he said: Lo here the true Olus of Martial, who addicted and +devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and +calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an open +bawdy-house. This varlet is poorer than ever was Irus, and yet he is +proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more +insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, Ptochalazon, which term +of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs. Come, let us +leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to rave +and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted devils, +who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would never +have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is. He hath not +learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, Know thyself; for whilst +he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye of +another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight of +both his eyes. This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch +described. He is of the nature of the Lamian witches, who in foreign +places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common +people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than +any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder +than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all. For their custom was, at their +return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their +eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a pair +of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden slipper +which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging. + +Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Herr Trippa took into his hand a +tamarisk branch. In this, quoth Epistemon, he doth very well, right, and +like an artist, for Nicander calleth it the divinatory tree. Have you a +mind, quoth Herr Trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and +amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof Aristophanes +in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, of +old in prime request amongst the Assyrians, and thoroughly tried by +Hermolaus Barbarus. Come hither, and I will show thee in this platterful +of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and sercroupierizing it +with two swaggering ruffians, one after another. Yea, but have a special +care, quoth Panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose within mine arse, +that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles. Herr Trippa, going on in +his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the +Emperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all +that which at any time did happen or befall unto him. Thou shalt not need +to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and +manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as if I should show it in the +fountain of the temple of Minerva near Patras. By coscinomancy, most +religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient Romans. +Let us have a sieve and shears, and thou shalt see devils. By +alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy, +mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. By astragalomancy, whereof I have +the plots and models all at hand ready for the purpose. By tyromancy, +whereof we make some proof in a great Brehemont cheese which I here keep by +me. By giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest +assure thyself from me that they would fall always on the wrong side. By +sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an +ill-proportioned stomach. By libanomancy, for the which we shall need but +a little frankincense. By gastromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency +was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the +Engastrimythian prophetess. By cephalomancy, often practised amongst the +High Germans in their boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals. By +ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see +the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife, and of +her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades. By capnomancy. O the +gallantest and most excellent of all secrets! By axionomancy; we want only +a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon a quick fire of hot +embers. O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards +Penelope's suitors! By onymancy; for that we have oil and wax. By +tephromancy. Thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft dispersed exhibiting thy +wife in a fine posture. By botanomancy; for the nonce I have some few +leaves in reserve. By sicomancy; O divine art in fig-tree leaves! By +icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias and +Polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the +Dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to Apollo which is in the +territory of the Lycians. By choiromancy; let us have a great many hogs, +and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them. By cheromancy, as the bean +is found in the cake at the Epiphany vigil. By anthropomancy, practised by +the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus. It is somewhat irksome, but thou wilt +endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold. By a +sibylline stichomancy. By onomatomancy. How do they call thee? +Chaw-turd, quoth Panurge. Or yet by alectryomancy. If I should here with +a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot, +divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then +form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly, +posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, I durst +promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted +to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are +set and placed upon these letters, A. C.U.C.K.O.L.D. T.H.O.U. S.H.A.L.T. +B.E. And that as fatidically as, under the Emperor Valens, most +perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to +the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles +that were posited on the letters T.H.E.O.D. Or, for the more certainty, +will you have a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury, +or by extispiciny? By turdispiciny, quoth Panurge. Or yet by the mystery +of necromancy? I will, if you please, suddenly set up again and revive +someone lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyane did to Achilles, and the +Pythoness in the presence of Saul; which body, so raised up and +requickened, will tell us the sum of all you shall require of him: no more +nor less than, at the invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct person +foretold to Pompey the whole progress and issue of the fatal battle fought +in the Pharsalian fields. Or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly +all cuckolds are, I will make use of the faculty of sciomancy. + +Go, get thee gone, quoth Panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be +buggered, filthy Bardachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a +steeple-crowned hat. Why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to +hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish and +provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or to eat +of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those means I +might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, understand the +substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the Arabians in the +country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen brace of devils seize upon the body and +soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and +sorcerer of Antichrist to all the devils of hell! Let us return towards our +king. I am sure he will not be well pleased with us if he once come to get +notice that we have been in the kennel of this muffled devil. I repent my +being come hither. I would willingly dispense with a hundred nobles and +fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the +bottom of my breeches should instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate +his moustaches. O Lord God now! how the villain hath besmoked me with +vexation and anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and +stir of infernal and Tartarian devils! The devil take him! Say Amen, and +let us go drink. I shall not have any appetite for my victuals, how good +cheer soever I make, these two days to come,--hardly these four. + + + +Chapter 3.XXVI. + +How Panurge consulteth with Friar John of the Funnels. + +Panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words +of Herr Trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of +Huymes, after he had made his address to Friar John, in pecking at, +rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, Keep me a +little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for I find my brains +altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical +puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool. Hearken, +my dainty cod. + +Mellow C. Varnished C. Resolute C. +Lead-coloured C. Renowned C. Cabbage-like C. +Knurled C. Matted C. Courteous C. +Suborned C. Genitive C. Fertile C. +Desired C. Gigantal C. Whizzing C. +Stuffed C. Oval C. Neat C. +Speckled C. Claustral C. Common C. +Finely metalled C. Virile C. Brisk C. +Arabian-like C. Stayed C. Quick C. +Trussed-up Grey- Massive C. Bearlike C. + hound-like C. Manual C. Partitional C. +Mounted C. Absolute C. Patronymic C. +Sleeked C. Well-set C. Cockney C. +Diapered C. Gemel C. Auromercuriated C. +Spotted C. Turkish C. Robust C. +Master C. Burning C. Appetizing C. +Seeded C. Thwacking C. Succourable C. +Lusty C. Urgent C. Redoubtable C. +Jupped C. Handsome C. Affable C. +Milked C. Prompt C. Memorable C. +Calfeted C. Fortunate C. Palpable C. +Raised C. Boxwood C. Barbable C. +Odd C. Latten C. Tragical C. +Steeled C. Unbridled C. Transpontine C. +Stale C. Hooked C. Digestive C. +Orange-tawny C. Researched C. Active C. +Embroidered C. Encompassed C. Vital C. +Glazed C. Strouting out C. Magistral C. +Interlarded C. Jolly C. Monachal C. +Burgher-like C. Lively C. Subtle C. +Empowdered C. Gerundive C. Hammering C. +Ebonized C. Franked C. Clashing C. +Brasiliated C. Polished C. Tingling C. +Organized C. Powdered Beef C. Usual C. +Passable C. Positive C. Exquisite C. +Trunkified C. Spared C. Trim C. +Furious C. Bold C. Succulent C. +Packed C. Lascivious C. Factious C. +Hooded C. Gluttonous C. Clammy C. +Fat C. Boulting C. New-vamped C. +High-prized C. Snorting C. Improved C. +Requisite C. Pilfering C. Malling C. +Laycod C. Shaking C. Sounding C. +Hand-filling C. Bobbing C. Battled C. +Insuperable C. Chiveted C. Burly C. +Agreeable C. Fumbling C. Seditious C. +Formidable C. Topsyturvying C. Wardian C. +Profitable C. Raging C. Protective C. +Notable C. Piled up C. Twinkling C. +Musculous C. Filled up C. Able C. +Subsidiary C. Manly C. Algoristical C. +Satiric C. Idle C. Odoriferous C. +Repercussive C. Membrous C. Pranked C. +Convulsive C. Strong C. Jocund C. +Restorative C. Twin C. Routing C. +Masculinating C. Belabouring C. Purloining C. +Incarnative C. Gentle C. Frolic C. +Sigillative C. Stirring C. Wagging C. +Sallying C. Confident C. Ruffling C. +Plump C. Nimble C. Jumbling C. +Thundering C. Roundheaded C. Rumbling C. +Lechering C. Figging C. Thumping C. +Fulminating C. Helpful C. Bumping C. +Sparkling C. Spruce C. Cringeling C. +Ramming C. Plucking C. Berumpling C. +Lusty C. Ramage C. Jogging C. +Household C. Fine C. Nobbing C. +Pretty C. Fierce C. Touzing C. +Astrolabian C. Brawny C. Tumbling C. +Algebraical C. Compt C. Fambling C. +Venust C. Repaired C. Overturning C. +Aromatizing C. Soft C. Shooting C. +Tricksy C. Wild C. Culeting C. +Paillard C. Renewed C. Jagged C. +Gaillard C. Quaint C. Pinked C. +Broaching C. Starting C. Arsiversing C. +Addle C. Fleshy C. Polished C. +Syndicated C. Auxiliary C. Slashed C. +Hamed C. Stuffed C. Clashing C. +Leisurely C. Well-fed C. Wagging C. +Cut C. Flourished C. Scriplike C. +Smooth C. Fallow C. Encremastered C. +Depending C. Sudden C. Bouncing C. +Independent C. Graspful C. Levelling C. +Lingering C. Swillpow C. Fly-flap C. +Rapping C. Crushing C. Perinae-tegminal C. +Reverend C. Creaking C. Squat-couching C. +Nodding C. Dilting C. Short-hung C. +Disseminating C. Ready C. The hypogastrian C. +Affecting C. Vigorous C. Witness-bearing C. +Affected C. Skulking C. Testigerous C. +Grappled C. Superlative C. Instrumental C. + +My harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, Friar John, my friend, I +do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart. +Thy counsel I hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have I +reserved it for the last bit. Give me thy advice freely, I beseech thee, +Should I marry or no? Friar John very merrily, and with a sprightly +cheerfulness, made this answer to him: Marry, in the devil's name. Why +not? What the devil else shouldst thou do but marry? Take thee a wife, +and furbish her harness to some tune. Swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert +beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her +resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were +hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks. As I say marry, so do I understand +that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is +that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very +day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make +provision of bedsteads. By the blood of a hog's-pudding, till when wouldst +thou delay the acting of a husband's part? Dost thou not know, and is it +not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world approacheth? We are +nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we were two days ago. The +Antichrist is already born; at least it is so reported by many. The truth +is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further than to +the scratching of his nurse and governesses. His nails are not sharp +enough as yet, nor have his claws attained to their full growth,--he is +little. + + Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur. + +It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you; the truth whereof is +like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a +puncheon of pure wine for threepence. Wouldst thou be content to be found +with thy genitories full in the day of judgment? Dum venerit judicari? +Thou hast, quoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar John, my +metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose. +That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst he +was swimming through the Hellespontic sea to make a visit to his sweetheart +Hero of Sestus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune and all the other marine +gods, thus: + + Now, whilst I go, have pity on me, + And at my back returning drown me. + +He was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged. He was to be +commended; therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no malefactor shall +by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of Salmigondinois, who shall +not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and +foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to write +a Greek Y. Such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away. He +will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out +of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one. + + + +Chapter 3.XXVII. + +How Friar John merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge. + +By Saint Rigomet, quoth Friar John, I do advise thee to nothing, my dear +friend Panurge, which I would not do myself were I in thy place. Only have +a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of +the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so +strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean +thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul. For if there pass long intervals +betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too +large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they desist +from giving suck to children--they lose their milk; and if continually thou +do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy +lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to +piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar's +scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it; +for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do +what they would, because before they did not what they might have done: Ex +desuetudine amittuntur privilegia. Non-usage oftentimes destroys one's +right, say the learned doctors of the law; therefore, my billy, entertain +as well as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic +people, that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal +labouring. Give order that henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen, +idly upon their rents and revenues, but that they may work for their +livelihood by breaking ground within the Paphian trenches. Nay truly, +answered Panurge, Friar John, my left ballock, I will believe thee, for +thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright square upon the business, +without going about the bush with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary +reservations. Thou with the splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated +all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did +intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to +thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune. Well then, as thou +hast said, so will I do; I will, in good faith, marry,--in that point there +shall be no failing, I promise thee,--and shall have always by me pretty +girls clothed with the name of my wife's waiting-maids, that, lying under +thy wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood. + +Let this serve for the first part of the sermon. Hearken, quoth Friar +John, to the oracle of the bells of Varenes. What say they? I hear and +understand them, quoth Panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more +uprightly fatidical than that of Jove's great kettles in Dodona. Hearken! +Take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou +marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find +good; so marry, marry. I will assure thee that I shall be married; all the +elements invite and prompt me to it. Let this word be to thee a brazen +wall, by diffidence not to be broken through. As for the second part of +this our doctrine,--thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness +of my paternity in the practising of my placket-racket within the +Aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of +gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, favour me so much as to +believe that I still have him at a beck, attending always my commandments, +docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things and everywhere, and +never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure. I need no more but to +let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point, and when +the game is shown unto him, say, Hey, Jack, to thy booty! he will not fail +even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose. +Hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable and +gluttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was the +Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness (of Oincester) in England, and I +desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to +overlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please +her. I am not ignorant that Solomon said, who indeed of that matter +speaketh clerklike and learnedly,--as also how Aristotle after him declared +for a truth that, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous +and unsatisfiable. Nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read those +passages receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Jill +have a fit Jack; and that, if women's things cannot be satiated, I have an +instrument indefatigable,--an implement as copious in the giving as can in +craving be their vade mecums. Do not here produce ancient examples of the +paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability +the Priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, Hercules, Proculus +Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had +the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous Christian +trust the rogue,--the filthy ribald rascal is a liar. Nor shalt thou need +to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the Indian prince of +whom Theophrastus, Plinius, and Athenaeus testify, that with the help of a +certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, to +toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence +above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours. Of +that I believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally +foisted in. Give no faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in +this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and +probatum est, that my pioneer of nature--the sacred ithyphallian champion +--is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest. Come hither, my ballocket, +and hearken. Didst thou ever see the monk of Castre's cowl? When in any +house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all or covertly out +of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating +and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the whole +inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all the +circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, did suddenly +enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to the dogs and +hogs, rats and cats. + +I swear to thee that many times heretofore I have perceived and found in my +codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular +and of a greater anomaly than what I have related. I will not speak to +thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell +thee, that once at the representation of the Passion, which was acted at +Saint Maxents, I had no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but +that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all +that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into such an +exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, devil, nor +deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched it with all +their heart and soul. The prompter forsook his copy, he who played +Michael's part came down to rights, the devils issued out of hell and +carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were there; +yea, Lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge disorder, I +disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of Cato the +Censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the Floralian festivals +out of order, withdrew himself. + + + +Chapter 3.XXVIII. + +How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry. + +I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things +plain. The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and +decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise, +yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods +hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss. I see thee waxing a +little hoar-headed already. Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white, +tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the +terrestrial globe or geographical chart. Look attentively upon and take +inspection of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia. Here are +Tigris and Euphrates. Lo there Afric. Here is the mountain of the Moon, +--yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus. On this side lieth +Europe. Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme? This little tuft, which +is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my +thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the +chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys +and low countries of the codpiece. By the kibes of thy heels, quoth +Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. When snow is on the tops of +the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and +all the devils of hell rage in the valleys. Wouldst thou see the +experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and earnestly +perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of Wunderberlich, +about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the land. Thou +twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I am of the nature +of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and +vigorous tail. The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny it), that I +now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age. Tell +this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret +betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my +taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to +do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful +apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine. Note +and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the west +and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine +age is past. But what then, my gentle companion? That doth but betoken +that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is not, the devil hale +it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches. The +thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is, +that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs +bear company should he go to all the devils of Barathrum), my future wife +shall make me a cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and short on't. For +I am by all those whom I have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned +fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am +predestinated. Everyone, answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is +not one. If it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned +cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and +Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her. Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt +be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers. And finally +with this other Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise. +These are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister. Thou mayst take more +liberty to sin. Thou shalt be more at ease than ever. There will be never +the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase +notably. And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so +impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny? Speak, thou jaded cod. + +Faded C. Louting C. Appellant C. +Mouldy C. Discouraged C. Swagging C. +Musty C. Surfeited C. Withered C. +Paltry C. Peevish C. Broken-reined C. +Senseless C. Translated C. Defective C. +Foundered C. Forlorn C. Crestfallen C. +Distempered C. Unsavoury C. Felled C. +Bewrayed C. Worm-eaten C. Fleeted C. +Inveigled C. Overtoiled C. Cloyed C. +Dangling C. Miserable C. Squeezed C. +Stupid C. Steeped C. Resty C. +Seedless C. Kneaded-with-cold- Pounded C. +Soaked C. water C. Loose C. +Coldish C. Hacked C. Fruitless C. +Pickled C. Flaggy C. Riven C. +Churned C. Scrubby C. Pursy C. +Filliped C. Drained C. Fusty C. +Singlefied C. Haled C. Jadish C. +Begrimed C. Lolling C. Fistulous C. +Wrinkled C. Drenched C. Languishing C. +Fainted C. Burst C. Maleficiated C. +Extenuated C. Stirred up C. Hectic C. +Grim C. Mitred C. Worn out C. +Wasted C. Peddlingly furnished Ill-favoured C. +Inflamed C. C. Duncified C. +Unhinged C. Rusty C. Macerated C. +Scurfy C. Exhausted C. Paralytic C. +Straddling C. Perplexed C. Degraded C. +Putrefied C. Unhelved C. Benumbed C. +Maimed C. Fizzled C. Bat-like C. +Overlechered C. Leprous C. Fart-shotten C. +Druggely C. Bruised C. Sunburnt C. +Mitified C. Spadonic C. Pacified C. +Goat-ridden C. Boughty C. Blunted C. +Weakened C. Mealy C. Rankling tasted C. +Ass-ridden C. Wrangling C. Rooted out C. +Puff-pasted C. Gangrened C. Costive C. +St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C. Hailed on C. +Untriped C. Ragged C. Cuffed C. +Blasted C. Quelled C. Buffeted C. +Cut off C. Braggadocio C. Whirreted C. +Beveraged C. Beggarly C. Robbed C. +Scarified C. Trepanned C. Neglected C. +Dashed C. Bedusked C. Lame C. +Slashed C. Emasculated C. Confused C. +Enfeebled C. Corked C. Unsavoury C. +Whore-hunting C. Transparent C. Overthrown C. +Deteriorated C. Vile C. Boulted C. +Chill C. Antedated C. Trod under C. +Scrupulous C. Chopped C. Desolate C. +Crazed C. Pinked C. Declining C. +Tasteless C. Cup-glassified C. Stinking C. +Sorrowful C. Harsh C. Crooked C. +Murdered C. Beaten C. Brabbling C. +Matachin-like C. Barred C. Rotten C. +Besotted C. Abandoned C. Anxious C. +Customerless C. Confounded C. Clouted C. +Minced C. Loutish C. Tired C. +Exulcerated C. Borne down C. Proud C. +Patched C. Sparred C. Fractured C. +Stupified C. Abashed C. Melancholy C. +Annihilated C. Unseasonable C. Coxcombly C. +Spent C. Oppressed C. Base C. +Foiled C. Grated C. Bleaked C. +Anguished C. Falling away C. Detested C. +Disfigured C. Smallcut C. Diaphanous C. +Disabled C. Disordered C. Unworthy C. +Forceless C. Latticed C. Checked C. +Censured C. Ruined C. Mangled C. +Cut C. Exasperated C. Turned over C. +Rifled C. Rejected C. Harried C. +Undone C. Belammed C. Flawed C. +Corrected C. Fabricitant C. Froward C. +Slit C. Perused C. Ugly C. +Skittish C. Emasculated C. Drawn C. +Spongy C. Roughly handled C. Riven C. +Botched C. Examined C. Distasteful C. +Dejected C. Cracked C. Hanging C. +Jagged C. Wayward C. Broken C. +Pining C. Haggled C. Limber C. +Deformed C. Gleaning C. Effeminate C. +Mischieved C. Ill-favoured C. Kindled C. +Cobbled C. Pulled C. Evacuated C. +Embased C. Drooping C. Grieved C. +Ransacked C. Faint C. Carking C. +Despised C. Parched C. Disorderly C. +Mangy C. Paltry C. Empty C. +Abased C. Cankered C. Disquieted C. +Supine C. Void C. Besysted C. +Mended C. Vexed C. Confounded C. +Dismayed C. Bestunk C. Hooked C. +Divorous C. Winnowed C. Unlucky C. +Wearied C. Decayed C. Sterile C. +Sad C. Disastrous C. Beshitten C. +Cross C. Unhandsome C. Appeased C. +Vain-glorious C. Stummed C. Caitiff C. +Poor C. Barren C. Woeful C. +Brown C. Wretched C. Unseemly C. +Shrunken C. Feeble C. Heavy C. +Abhorred C. Cast down C. Weak C. +Troubled C. Stopped C. Prostrated C. +Scornful C. Kept under C. Uncomely C. +Dishonest C. Stubborn C. Naughty C. +Reproved C. Ground C. Laid flat C. +Cocketed C. Retchless C. Suffocated C. +Filthy C. Weather-beaten C. Held down C. +Shred C. Flayed C. Barked C. +Chawned C. Bald C. Hairless C. +Short-winded C. Tossed C. Flamping C. +Branchless C. Flapping C. Hooded C. +Chapped C. Cleft C. Wormy C. +Failing C. Meagre C. Besysted (In his anxiety to swell +his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas Urquhart has set down this +word twice.) C. +Deficient C. Dumpified C. Faulty C. +Lean C. Suppressed C. Bemealed C. +Consumed C. Hagged C. Mortified C. +Used C. Jawped C. Scurvy C. +Puzzled C. Havocked C. Bescabbed C. +Allayed C. Astonished C. Torn C. +Spoiled C. Dulled C. Subdued C. +Clagged C. Slow C. Sneaking C. +Palsy-stricken C. Plucked up C. Bare C. +Amazed C. Constipated C. Swart C. +Bedunsed C. Blown C. Smutched C. +Extirpated C. Blockified C. Raised up C. +Banged C. Pommelled C. Chopped C. +Stripped C. All-to-bemauled C. Flirted C. +Hoary C. Fallen away C. Blained C. +Blotted C. Stale C. Rensy C. +Sunk in C. Corrupted C. Frowning C. +Ghastly C. Beflowered C. Limping C. +Unpointed C. Amated C. Ravelled C. +Beblistered C. Blackish C. Rammish C. +Wizened C. Underlaid C. Gaunt C. +Beggar-plated C. Loathing C. Beskimmered C. +Douf C. Ill-filled C. Scraggy C. +Clarty C. Bobbed C. Lank C. +Lumpish C. Mated C. Swashering C. +Abject C. Tawny C. Moiling C. +Side C. Whealed C. Swinking C. +Choked up C. Besmeared C. Harried C. +Backward C. Hollow C. Tugged C. +Prolix C. Pantless C. Towed C. +Spotted C. Guizened C. Misused C. +Crumpled C. Demiss C. Adamitical C. +Frumpled C. Refractory C. + +Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed +by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them +retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the +intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning +quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel +and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird +Sister-Parcae? What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod? Thou +wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended +to have done. Come hither, billicullion. Whether wouldst thou be jealous +without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the one nor +the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be. But if I get an inkling of +the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of +wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel. In +good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be +my best not to marry. Hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we +are nearer to them! Do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry, +marry not, not, not, not, not. If thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry, +carry; thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent it! If thou marry, thou a +cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be. By the worthy +wrath of God, I begin to be angry. This campanilian oracle fretteth me to +the guts,--a March hare was never in such a chafe as I am. O how I am +vexed! You monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity, +have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in +heads? Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so +destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of +this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and +banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall. + +I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by +means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy +knowledge and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth +Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech +thee. Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel's ring upon thy finger, who was +the King of Melinda's chief jeweller. Besides that this Hans Carvel had +the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary's +profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific +person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a +prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous, +charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and +a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world. He was somewhat +gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of +his body. In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of Concordat's +daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat, +smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper, +graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind--a little too much--to her +neighbours and acquaintance. + +Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that +Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very +profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring +with others. To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical +stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto +her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the +praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in +commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious +women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with +pure oriental sapphires. Notwithstanding all this, he found her always +more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that +day by day his jealousy increased. In sequel whereof, one night as he was +lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous +deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt +that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full +the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe +awry. The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give +him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying, +Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,--whilst thou carriest it upon that +finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself +without thy special knowledge and consent. Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my +lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger. The +devil vanished, as is his custom; and then Hans Carvel, full of joy +awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within +the what-do-by-call-it of his wife. I did forget to tell thee how his +wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her +buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing +which should be put up in that place. With this Hans Carvel thought that +some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him. Is not this an +infallible and sovereign antidote? Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in +imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy +wife's commodity upon thy finger. When that was said, their discourse and +their way ended. + + + +Chapter 3.XXIX. + +How Pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and +philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was. + +No sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made +report unto Pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him +the response of Raminagrobis. When Pantagruel had read it over and over +again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he +said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any +answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment. For in +this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully +enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the +project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole +arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in +the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in +either his assent to or dissent from it. Such always hath been my opinion +to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this +same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour +it within your mind. I know for certain, and therefore may I with the +greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love, +is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you. + +Let us do otherwise, and that is this: Whatever we are, or have, +consisteth in three things--the soul, the body, and the goods. Now, for +the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men +ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended +to his charge. Theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the +welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods. Hence it is +that it is my resolution to have on Sunday next with me at dinner a divine, +a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus together we +may in every point and particle confer at large of your perplexity. By +Saint Picot, answered Panurge, we never shall do any good that way, I see +it already. And you see yourself how the world is vilely abused, as when +with a foxtail one claps another's breech to cajole him. We give our souls +to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part are heretics. Our +bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves take any physic. +And then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law against +one another. You speak like a courtier, quoth Pantagruel. But the first +point of your assertion is to be denied; for we daily see how good +theologues make it their chief business, their whole and sole employment, +by their deeds, their words, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies +out of the hearts of men, and in their stead profoundly plant the true and +lively faith. The second point you spoke of I commend; for, whereas the +professors of the art of medicine give so good order to the prophylactic, +or conservative part of their faculty, in what concerneth their proper +healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other branch, +which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments. As for the third, I +grant it to be true, for learned advocates and counsellors at law are so +much taken up with the affairs of others in their consultations, pleadings, +and such-like patrocinations of those who are their clients, that they have +no leisure to attend any controversies of their own. Therefore, on the +next ensuing Sunday, let the divine be our godly Father Hippothadee, the +physician our honest Master Rondibilis, and our legist our friend +Bridlegoose. Nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the +Pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to the three afore-named +doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the philosopher Trouillogan; +especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is Trouillogan, is able +positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you can propose. Carpalin, +have you a care to have them here all four on Sunday next at dinner, +without fail. + +I believe, quoth Epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the +corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four. Which I +speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and +accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective +discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein +without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and +surpass all others), as for that Rondibilis is married now, who before was +not,--Hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,--Bridlegoose was married +once, but is not now,--and Trouillogan is married now, who wedded was to +another wife before. Sir, if it may stand with your good liking, I will +ease Carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite Bridlegoose myself, +with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto +whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful youth who now studieth +at Toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor Boissonet. Do what you +deem most expedient, quoth Pantagruel, and tell me if my recommendation can +in anything be steadable for the promoval of the good of that youth, or +otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and office of the worthy +Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most +sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant. Sir, I will use therein my +best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it. + + + +Chapter 3.XXX. + +How the theologue, Hippothadee, giveth counsel to Panurge in the matter and +business of his nuptial enterprise. + +The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the +afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them, +Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of Fonsbeton. At +the ushering in of the second service Panurge, making a low reverence, +spake thus: Gentlemen, the question I am to propound unto you shall be +uttered in very few words--Should I marry or no? If my doubt herein be not +resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the +Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out +from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so +many picked peas on a carpet. + +The Father Hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and with +much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this +manner: My friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you +must consult with yourself. Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your +body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh? That I do, +quoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure. Be not +offended, I beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression. No +truly, friend, not I, quoth Hippothadee, there is no reason why I should be +displeased therewith. But in this carnal strife and debate of yours have +you obtained from God the gift and special grace of continency? In good +faith, not, quoth Panurge. My counsel to you in that case, my friend, is +that you marry, quoth Hippothadee; for you should rather choose to marry +once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence. Then Panurge, with a +jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, without +circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its centred +point. Gramercy, my good father! In truth I am resolved now to marry, and +without fail I shall do it quickly. I invite you to my wedding. By the +body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets. You +shall wear the bridegroom's colours, and, if we eat a goose, my wife shall +not roast it for me. I will entreat you to lead up the first dance of the +bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much favour and honour. +There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, yea, even less than +nothing, whereof I humbly crave your resolution. Shall I be a cuckold, +father, yea or no? By no means, answered Hippothadee, will you be +cuckolded, if it please God. O the Lord help us now, quoth Panurge; +whither are we driven to, good folks? To the conditionals, which, +according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all +contradictions and impossibilities. If my Transalpine mule had wings, my +Transalpine mule would fly, if it please God, I shall not be a cuckold; but +I shall be a cuckold, if it please him. Good God, if this were a condition +which I knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, nor would +I despair. But you here send me to God's privy council, to the closet of +his little pleasures. You, my French countrymen, which is the way you take +to go thither? + +My honest father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my wedding. +The clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but disturb +you, and break the serious fancies of your brain. You love repose, with +solitude and silence; I really believe you will not come. And then you +dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first +entry. I will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the +bride's favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand with +your good liking. My friend, quoth Hippothadee, take my words in the sense +wherein I meant them, and do not misinterpret me. When I tell you,--If it +please God,--do I to you any wrong therein? Is it an ill expression? Is +it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto the world? Do +not we thereby honour the Lord God Almighty, Creator, Protector, and +Conserver of all things? Is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him +to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good? Do not we in that manifest +our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and +incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be produced, nor +after its production be of any value, force, or power, without the +concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace? Is it not a canonical +and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our undertakings? Is +it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be still referred to +what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of God, unto which all things +must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the earth? Is not that verily +a sanctifying of his holy name? My friend, you shall not be a cuckold, if +it please God, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good +will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously +hidden secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to +consult with those of his celestial privy council, or expressly make a +voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order is given for the effectuating +of his most holy pleasures. The great God hath done us this good, that he +hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described +them in the Holy Bible. There will you find that you shall never be a +cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall never be a strumpet, if you make +choice of one of a commendable extraction, descended of honest parents, and +instructed in all piety and virtue--such a one as hath not at any time +haunted or frequented the company or conversation of those that are of +corrupt and depraved manners, one loving and fearing God, who taketh a +singular delight in drawing near to him by faith and the cordial observing +of his sacred commandments--and finally, one who, standing in awe of the +Divine Majesty of the Most High, will be loth to offend him and lose the +favourable kindness of his grace through any defect of faith or +transgression against the ordinances of his holy law, wherein adultery is +most rigorously forbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most +strictly and severely enjoined; yea, in such sort that she is to cherish, +serve, and love him above anything, next to God, that meriteth to be +beloved. In the interim, for the better schooling of her in these +instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of a matrimonial duty may +take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yourself so on your +part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a +good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly with a conjugal amity, by +continually approving yourself in all your words and actions a faithful and +discreet husband; and by living, not only at home and privately with your +own household and family, but in the face also of all men and open view of +the world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as you would have her on her +side to deport and to demean herself towards you, as becomes a godly, +loyal, and respectful wife, who maketh conscience to keep inviolable the +tie of a matrimonial oath. For as that looking-glass is not the best which +is most decked with gold and precious stones, but that which representeth +to the eye the liveliest shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife +should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she +who, fearing God, conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband. + +Consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from Jupiter, Mars, +Mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid +stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only, +the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the +manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations. Just so should +you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion, +that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an exemplary +goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of all other +women. To this effect you daily must implore God's grace to the protection +of you both. You would have me then, quoth Panurge, twisting the whiskers +of his beard on either side with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand, +to espouse and take to wife the prudent frugal woman described by Solomon. +Without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance I never saw +her; the Lord forgive me! Nevertheless, I thank you, father. Eat this +slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you be +presented with a cup of claret hippocras, which is right healthful and +stomachal. Let us proceed. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXI. + +How the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. + +Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The first word which was spoken by +him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of Saussiniac, after that he +had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, was this, To the rest. In like manner, I +say, To the rest. Therefore I beseech you, my good Master Rondibilis, +should I marry or not? By the raking pace of my mule, quoth Rondibilis, I +know not what answer to make to this problem of yours. + +You say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which +you are stirred up to venery. I find in our faculty of medicine, and we +have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final +decision of the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and +quelled five several ways. + +First, By the means of wine. I shall easily believe that, quoth Friar +John, for when I am well whittled with the juice of the grape I care for +nothing else, so I may sleep. When I say, quoth Rondibilis, that wine +abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy +proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought +upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a +slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness +and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of +the muscles--all which are great lets and impediments to the act of +generation. Hence it is that Bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and +drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman's habit, +as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch. Wine, +nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is +implied by the old proverb, which saith that Venus takes cold when not +accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus. This opinion is of great antiquity, as +appeareth by the testimony of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by +Pausanias, and universally held amongst the Lampsacians, that Don Priapus +was the son of Bacchus and Venus. + +Secondly, The fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs, +and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable +to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the +water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine, +honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin +of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses +proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being +duly and seasonably received within the body--what by their elementary +virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other--do either +benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or scatter +and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted +the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its reception, or +lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and conduits +through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and ejected. +We have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a contrary +operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, quicken the +senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, excite, and +enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of amorous +dalliance. I have no need of those, quoth Panurge, God be thanked, and +you, my good master. Howsoever, I pray you, take no exception or offence +at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any illwill I did +bear to you, the Lord he knows. + +Thirdly, The ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent +labour and continual toiling. For by painful exercises and laborious +working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the +blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the +nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time, +leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the +third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the conservation +of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the +propagating of the species and the multiplication of humankind. Whence it +is that Diana is said to be chaste, because she is never idle, but always +busied about her hunting. For the same reason was a camp or leaguer of old +called castrum, as if they would have said castum; because the soldiers, +wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other such-like athletic +champions as are usually seen in a military circumvallation, do incessantly +travail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation. To this +purpose Hippocrates also writeth in his book, De Aere, Aqua et Locis, that +in his time there were people in Scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the +discharge of a venerean exploit, because that without any cessation, pause, +or respite they were never from off horseback, or otherwise assiduously +employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery. + +On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers +say that idleness is the mother of luxury. When it was asked Ovid, Why +Aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, Because he +was idle. Who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness might +easily frustrate and disappoint Cupid of all his designs, aims, engines, +and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, and darts +should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to him, for that +it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either sex +with all the arms he had. He is not, I believe, so expert an archer as +that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young stags +skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; that +is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, restless, and +without repose. He must have those hushed, still, quiet, lying at a stay, +lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his mother help him, to +touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows. In confirmation hereof, +Theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of beast or thing he judged a +toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that it was a passion of idle +and sluggish spirits. From which pretty description of tickling +love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant, when he +defined lechery the occupation of folks destitute of all other occupation. +For this cause the Syconian engraver Canachus, being desirous to give us to +understand that sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness were the prime +guardians and governesses of ribaldry, made the statue of Venus, not +standing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, but sitting. + +Fourthly, The tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager +study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits, +that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push +and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto +appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is +to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny. Lest you +should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the form, +fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some learned +meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the +arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of a +crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate, +furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and +fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules +of the common sense,--of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy,--of the +ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,--as likewise of the memory, +recordation, and remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and +agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those +pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful anatomists are perceivable +at the end of the wonderful net where all the arteries close in a +terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise and origin from the +left capsule of the heart, bring through several circuits, ambages, and +anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine them to the ethereal +purity of animal spirits. Nay, in such a studiously musing person you may +espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out of himself, that all his +natural faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their +proper charge and office, and his exterior senses to be at a stand. In a +word, you cannot otherwise choose than think that he is by an extraordinary +ecstasy quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that +Socrates did not speak improperly when he said that philosophy was nothing +else but a meditation upon death. This possibly is the reason why +Democritus deprived himself of the sense of seeing, prizing at a much lower +rate the loss of his sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which +he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of +his unsettled and roving eyes. Therefore is it that Pallas, the goddess of +wisdom, tutoress and guardianess of such as are diligently studious and +painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a virgin. The +Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the +Graces, for the like reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal +pudicity. + +I remember to have read that Cupid, on a time being asked of his mother +Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his answer was that he +found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so +modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied +and employed,--one in the speculation of the stars,--another in the +supputation of numbers,--the third in the dimension of geometrical +quantities,--the fourth in the composition of heroic poems,--the fifth in +the jovial interludes of a comic strain,--the sixth in the stately gravity +of a tragic vein,--the seventh in the melodious disposition of musical +airs,--the eighth in the completest manner of writing histories and books +on all sorts of subjects,--and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and +curiosities of all sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever, +whether liberal or mechanic,--that approaching near unto them he unbended +his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through mere shame +and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice. Which +done, he thereafter put off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to +look them in the face, and to hear their melody and poetic odes. There +took he the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times he was +transported with their beauty and pretty behaviour, and charmed asleep by +the harmony; so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their +studies. Under this article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the +afore-cited treatise concerning the Scythians; as also that in a book of +his entitled Of Breeding and Production, where he hath affirmed all such +men to be unfit for generation as have their parotid arteries cut--whose +situation is beside the ears--for the reason given already when I was +speaking of the resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood +whereof the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise +he doth maintain a large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and +descend from the brains and backbone. + +Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery. There did I +wait for you, quoth Panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, whilst +anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding. +That is the very same thing, quoth Friar John, which Father Scyllino, Prior +of Saint Victor at Marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration and taming +of the flesh. I am of the same opinion,--and so was the hermit of Saint +Radegonde, a little above Chinon; for, quoth he, the hermits of Thebaide +can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the pride of their +bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous sensuality, or depress and +overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the flesh, than by duffling and +fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty times a day. I see Panurge, +quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured and proportioned in all the members of +his body, of a good temperament in his humours, well-complexioned in his +spirits, of a competent age, in an opportune time, and of a reasonably +forward mind to be married. Truly, if he encounter with a wife of the like +nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children +worthy of some transpontine monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be +the better for him, and the more conducible for his profit if he would see +and have his children in his own time well provided for. Sir, my worthy +master, quoth Panurge, I will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that +quickly enough, I warrant you. Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the +uttering of your learned discourse, this flea which I have in mine ear hath +tickled me more than ever. I retain you in the number of my festival +guests, and promise you that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer +enough, yea, over and above the ordinary rate. And, if it may please you, +desire your wife to come along with you, together with her she-friends and +neighbours--that is to be understood--and there shall be fair play. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXII. + +How Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances +of marriage. + +There remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one small +scruple to be cleared. You have seen heretofore, I doubt not, in the Roman +standards, S.P.Q.R., Si, Peu, Que, Rien. Shall not I be a cuckold? By the +haven of safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? If you +shall be a cuckold? My noble friend, I am married, and you are like to be +so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the matter, +to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, There is no +married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a cuckold. Cuckoldry +naturally attendeth marriage. The shadow doth not more naturally follow +the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place fair horns upon +the husbands' heads. + +And when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, He +is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a +cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true +consequences. Tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries Panurge, what do +you tell me? My dear friend, answered Rondibilis, as Hippocrates on a time +was in the very nick of setting forwards from Lango to Polystilo to visit +the philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend +Dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of his +absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who were an +honourable couple and of good repute; because I would not have her at my +home, said he, to make abode in solitude. Yet, notwithstanding this her +residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful +care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she +shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her. +Not, quoth he, that I do mistrust her virtue, or that I seem to have any +diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,--for of that I have +frequently had good and real proofs,--but I must freely tell you, She is a +woman. There lies the suspicion. + +My worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and +represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this, +that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all the +cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and +presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but +that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist +from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb, +and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even as +the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in the +heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from him, +shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest +splendour whilst it is night. Thus women are but women. + +When I say womankind, I speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so +changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion +Nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence which +is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had traced +formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of providential +judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she +built, framed, and made up the woman. And having thought upon it a hundred +and five times, I know not what else to determine therein, save only that +in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing of the woman she hath +had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the +delightful consortship and sociable delectation of the man, than to the +perfection and accomplishment of the individual womanishness or muliebrity. +The divine philosopher Plato was doubtful in what rank of living creatures +to place and collocate them, whether amongst the rational animals, by +elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical classis of humanity, or +with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower bench on the opposite +side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality. For nature hath posited in a +privy, secret, and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of member, by +some not impertinently termed an animal, which is not to be found in men. +Therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish, +clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that +by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling +mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for the said member is altogether +sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling), their whole body is shaken +and ebrangled, their senses totally ravished and transported, the +operations of their judgment and understanding utterly confounded, and all +disordinate passions and perturbations of the mind thoroughly and +absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort that if +nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their +forehead with a little tincture of bashfulness and modesty, you should see +them in a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and hie apace up and down +with haste and lust, in quest of and to fix some chamber-standard in their +Paphian ground, that never did the Proetides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean +Thyades deport themselves in the time of their bacchanalian festivals more +shamelessly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because +this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union with all the chief and +most principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is evident. Let it not +here be thought strange that I should call it an animal, seeing therein I +do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and +peripatetic philosophers. For if a proper motion be a certain mark and +infallible token of the life and animation of the mover, as Aristotle +writeth, and that any such thing as moveth of itself ought to be held +animated and of a living nature, then assuredly Plato with very good reason +did give it the denomination of an animal, for that he perceived and +observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of suffocation, +precipitation, corrugation, and of indignation so extremely violent, that +oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the woman all other sense and +moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing +syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced +death. + +Furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of +scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is +rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells. It is not +unknown to me how Cl. Galen striveth with might and main to prove that +these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from +the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance. Nor hath it escaped my +notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of +their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or +perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a +various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the +diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it. Nevertheless, if +you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's +balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that +they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like +nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to check +and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into the +solid truth. + +I will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this +dispute, only will I tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean +and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living +chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range, +and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient, +submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason. Therefore here will I +make an end of my discourse thereon, when I shall have told you that the +said animal being once satiated--if it be possible that it can be contented +or satisfied--by that aliment which nature hath provided for it out of the +epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and irregular and disordered +motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its vehement and unruly +longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the furious and raging +lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished. +For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual +danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have not +wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and expectation of that voracious +animal. Odds fish! quoth Panurge, have you no preventive cure in all your +medicinal art for hindering one's head to be horny-graffed at home whilst +his feet are plodding abroad? Yes, that I have, my gallant friend, +answered Rondibilis, and that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof I +frequently make use myself; and, that you may the better relish, it is set +down and written in the book of a most famous author, whose renown is of a +standing of two thousand years. Hearken and take good heed. You are, +quoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and I love you with all +my heart. Eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very proper and +convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the ventricle of the +stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which is in that sort +of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction. But what? I think I +speak Latin before clerks. Stay till I give you somewhat to drink out of +this Nestorian goblet. Will you have another draught of white hippocras? +Be not afraid of the squinzy, no. There is neither squinant, ginger, nor +grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and some of the best refined +sugar, with the delicious white wine of the growth of that vine which was +set in the slips of the great sorbapple above the walnut-tree. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXIII. + +Rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry. + +At that time, quoth Rondibilis, when Jupiter took a view of the state of +his Olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the +gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its +proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for +the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and ordaining +victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the +dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity--Did not he do, asked +Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop of Auxerre, is said once to have +done? This noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as +every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it that he had an +especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to the +great-grandfather of Bacchus. But so it is, that for sundry years together +he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the +sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by hoary frost, +dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and +other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he thought, by the +dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of St. George, St. Mary, St. Paul, +St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the Ascension, and other festivals, in that time +when the sun passeth under the sign of Taurus; and thereupon harboured in +his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints were Saint +Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fog-mongers, and Saint Spoilers of +the Vine-buds. For which cause he went about to have transmitted their +feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated between Christmas and +Epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called it, allowing them with all +honour and reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much as +they would; for that he knew that at such a time frost was rather profitable +than hurtful to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the +festivals of St. Christopher, St. John the Baptist, St. Magdalene, St. Anne, +St. Domingo, and St. Lawrence; yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate +and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May, because +during the whole space of their solemnity there was so little danger of +hoary frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are then held in greater +request than the afforders of refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets, +fit disposers of cooling shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers +of wine. + +Jupiter, said Rondibilis, forgot the poor devil Cuckoldry, who was then in +the court at Paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one +of his vassals and tenants. Within some few days thereafter, I have forgot +how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was +done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in +the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business, +lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the +tribunal of the great Jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his +preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience +to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all +humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone +amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, reverence, +sacrifices, and festival ceremonies. To this petition Jupiter's answer was +excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were bestowed. +Nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual supplications of +Monsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, list, roll, +rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacrifices, and festival +rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, and tendered to him with +solemnity. The feast, because there was no void, empty, nor vacant place +in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day +that had been consecrated to the goddess Jealousy. His power and dominion +should be over married folks, especially such as had handsome wives. His +sacrifices were to be suspicion, diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting +sullenness, watchings, wardings, researchings, plyings, explorations, +together with the waylayings, ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious +doggings of the husband's scouts and espials of the most privy actions of +their wives. Herewithal every married man was expressly and rigorously +commanded to reverence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize +his festival with twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity, +and to immolate unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the +above-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures, +threatenings, and comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts, +amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on the +delinquents: that Monsieur Cuckoldry should never be favourable nor +propitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor +grant them any subventitious furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or +adminiculary assistance; that he should never hold them in any reckoning, +account, or estimation; that he should never deign to enter within their +houses, neither at the doors, windows, nor any other place thereof; that he +should never haunt nor frequent their companies or conversations, how +frequently soever they should invocate him and call upon his name; and that +not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in +a sempiternal solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any +copes-mate or corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly +from them, and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and +sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods +towards such as are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences +which ought to be performed respectively to their divinities--as is +evidently apparent in Bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in Ceres, +against idle ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in Pomona, to unworthy +fruiterers and costard-mongers; in Neptune, towards dissolute mariners and +seafaring men, in Vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so +throughout the rest. Now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was +added, that unto all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited +festival, and cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay +aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so retchless, +heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper +affairs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into +the secret deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at +under, and deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and +hardships that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise +and suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned +sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them, +should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in +their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence. Now I have +said, and you have heard my cure. + +Ha, ha, ha! quoth Carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and +proper than Hans Carvel's ring. The devil take me if I do not believe it! +The humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the thunder, whose +force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard, +massive, and resisting objects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty, +and yielding matters. For it pasheth into pieces the steel sword without +doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which ensheatheth it. It chrusheth +also and consumeth the bones without wounding or endamaging the flesh +wherewith they are veiled and covered. Just so it is that women for the +greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory +disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is prohibited and +forbidden. + +Verily, quoth Hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the +first woman of the world, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been +induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the Tree +of Life if it had not been forbidden her so to do. And that you may give +the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the cautelous +and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to his +enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to +infer from thence, It is forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it, +else thou canst not be a woman. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXIV. + +How women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited. + +When I was, quoth Carpalin, a whoremaster at Orleans, the whole art of +rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a +colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could I by any other +form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for +bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery, +through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights, +than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to +remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid, +how their husbands were jealous. This was none of my invention. It is +written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences +confirmative of the same. If this belief once enter into their noddles, +their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, without +swearing, although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the +women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such-like queanish flirting +harlots mentioned in the writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such-like +puppies. + +Truly, quoth Ponocrates, I have heard it related, and it hath been told me +for a verity, that Pope John XXII., passing on a day through the Abbey of +Toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and +other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by +means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that +religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections +which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal +to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would +freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each +other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession. +There is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of +me which I would not most willingly condescend unto; but I find one +inconvenience. You know confession should be kept secret, and women are +not able to do so. Exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much +more closely than the best of men. + +The said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box, +wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very +gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and +promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their +request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited +box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or +indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest +ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication. The prohibition was no +sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire to +know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it. They thought +long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly, +with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening +curiosity. + +The holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and +withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace. But he was +hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the +good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the +backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the +setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat within. + +On the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a full +design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant of +their sought and wished-for indulgence. But before he would enter into any +chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto +him. It was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird was no more +there. Then was it that the pope did represent to their maternities how +hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep secrets revealed to +them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, seeing for the space +of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a box which +he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody. + +Welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome! It did me good to hear +you talk, the Lord be praised for all! I do not remember to have seen you +before now, since the last time that you acted at Montpellier with our +ancient friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, +John Quentin, Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the +moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife. I was there, +quoth Epistemon. The good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent +to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by +any means. At his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the +industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, the +encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke +again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and +so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician for a recipe +to make her hold her peace. There are, quoth the physician, many proper +remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but there are none that ever +I could learn therein to make them silent. The only cure which I have +found out is their husband's deafness. The wretch became within few weeks +thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or enchantments which the +physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf that he could not have heard the +thundering of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo. His wife perceiving +that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and that her scolding was but in +vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad. + +Some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered +that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour +of his demand might be. Whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, I +know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so +great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized +dose. Then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and, +falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang +them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the +blows which they received. I never in my lifetime laughed so much as at +the acting of that buffoonery. + +Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge. Your words, being +translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain English, do signify that it +is not very inexpedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being +a cuckold. You have there hit the nail on the head. I believe, master +doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with +your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy +your company. Sir, I will heartily excuse your absence. + + Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima. + Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana. + +You are mistaken, quoth Rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, for +it ought to run thus-- + + Nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna. + +If my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, I will look upon +the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth Rondibilis, +grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, together with +her umbilicary parts--according to the prescript rule of Hippocrates, 2. +Aph. 35--before I proceed any further in the cure of her distemper. No, +no, quoth Panurge, that will be but to little purpose. Such a feat is for +the practice of us that are lawyers, who have the rubric, De ventre +inspiciendo. Do not therefore trouble yourself about it, master doctor; I +will provide for her a plaster of warm guts. Do not neglect your more +urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding. I will send you some +supply of victuals to your own house, without putting you to the trouble of +coming abroad, and you shall always be my special friend. With this, +approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, without the +speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles. Rondibilis did shut his +fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to make +acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, as if he had been wroth, +said, He he, he, he, he! there was no need of anything; I thank you +nevertheless. From wicked folks I never get enough, and I from honest +people refuse nothing. I shall be always, sir, at your command. Provided +that I pay you well, quoth Panurge. That, quoth Rondibilis, is understood. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXV. + +How the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage. + +As this discourse was ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher +Trouillogan, Our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from hand +to hand is come to you. It falleth to your turn to give an answer: Should +Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no? He should do both, quoth Trouillogan. +What say you? asked Panurge. That which you have heard, answered +Trouillogan. What have I heard? replied Panurge. That which I have said, +replied Trouillogan. Ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? quoth Panurge. +Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no +better of the game. But howsoever tell me, Should I marry or no? Neither +the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan. The devil take me, quoth +Panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me +presently away if I do understand you. Stay awhile until I fasten these +spectacles of mine on this left ear, that I may hear you better. With this +Pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, which was that day +their dining-room, Gargantua's little dog, whose name was Kyne; for so was +Toby's dog called, as is recorded. Then did he say to these who were there +present, Our king is not far off,--let us all rise. + +That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his royal +presence graced that banqueting and stately hall. Each of the guests arose +to do their king that reverence and duty which became them. After that +Gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he +said, Good friends, I beg this favour of you, and therein you will very +much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the +discourse you were upon. Let a chair be brought hither unto this end of +the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have, +that I may drink to all the company. You are, in faith, all welcome, +gentlemen. Now let me know what talk you were about. To this Pantagruel +answered that at the beginning of the second service Panurge had proposed a +problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that +Father Hippothadee and Doctor Rondibilis had already despatched their +resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the +faithful Trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far +proceeded, that when Panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? at +first he made this answer, Both together. When this same question was +again propounded, his second answer was, Neither the one nor the other. +Panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and +contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is +that can be meant by them. If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I +understand it very well. The answer is not unlike to that which was once +made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a +woman whom they named him to his wife? I have her, quoth he, but she hath +not me,--possessing her, by her I am not possessed. Such another answer, +quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of Sparta, who +being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? No, quoth she, but +sometimes men have had to do with me. Well then, quoth Rondibilis, let it +be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, when it is neither +sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by an abnegation of +both extremes, and this by the participation of the one and of the other. +Even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as +when time makes the partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while +in the one, another while as long in the other opposite extremity. The +holy Apostle, quoth Hippothadee, seemeth, as I conceive, to have more +clearly explained this point when he said, Those that are married, let them +be as if they were not married; and those that have wives, let them be as +if they had no wives at all. I thus interpret, quoth Pantagruel, the +having and not having of a wife. To have a wife is to have the use of her +in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for the aid, society, and +solace of man, and propagating of his race. To have no wife is not to be +uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to +distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to God, or yet for her +to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto his country, unto his +friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and forsake his precious +studies, and other businesses of account, to wait still on her will, her +beck, and her buttocks. If we be pleased in this sense to take having and +not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy nor contradiction +in the terms at all. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXVI. + +A continuation of the answer of the Ephectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher +Trouillogan. + +You speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the moon were green cheese. Such a +tale once pissed my goose. I do not think but that I am let down into that +dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to +the saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand +as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly I do very +shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I will now alter the former style of +my discourse, and talk to him in another strain. Our trusty friend, stir +not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without +disjunctives. I see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an +enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you. + + Now go on, in the name of God! Should I marry? + + Trouillogan. There is some likelihood therein. + + Panurge. But if I do not marry? + + Trouil. I see in that no inconvenience. + + Pan. You do not? + + Trouil. None, truly, if my eyes deceive me not. + + Pan. Yea, but I find more than five hundred. + + Trouil. Reckon them. + + Pan. This is an impropriety of speech, I confess; for I do no more +thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the +determinate term for what is indeterminate. When I say, therefore, five +hundred, my meaning is many. + + Trouil. I hear you. + +Pan. Is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the +subterranean devils? + + Trouil. Away with these filthy beasts. + + Pan. Let it be, then, in the name of God; for my Salmigondinish people +use to say, To lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. And +such a life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her lamentations. + + Trouil. At your command. + + Pan. By the pody cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will +you tell me? Shall I marry? + + Trouil. Perhaps. + + Pan. Shall I thrive or speed well withal? + + Trouil. According to the encounter. + + Pan. But if in my adventure I encounter aright, as I hope I will, shall +I be fortunate? + + Trouil. Enough. + + Pan. Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words +against the wool: what if I encounter ill? + + Trouil. Then blame not me. + + Pan. But, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. I heartily +beseech you, what must I do? + + Trouil. Even what thou wilt. + + Pan. Wishy, washy; trolly, trolly. + + Trouil. Do not invocate the name of anything, I pray you. + + Pan. In the name of God, let it be so! My actions shall be regulated by +the rule and square of your counsel. What is it that you advise and +counsel me to do? + + Trouil. Nothing. + + Pan. Shall I marry? + + Trouil. I have no hand in it. + + Pan. Then shall I not marry? + + Trouil. I cannot help it. + + Pan. If I never marry, I shall never be a cuckold. + + Trouil. I thought so. + + Pan. But put the case that I be married. + + Trouil. Where shall we put it? + + Pan. Admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense. + + Trouil. I am otherwise employed. + + Pan. By the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, O Lord! if I durst +hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under +thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins +exceedingly. A little patience nevertheless is requisite. Well then, if I +marry, I shall be a cuckold. + + Trouil. One would say so. + + Pan. Yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, +I shall never be cuckolded. + + Trouil. I think you speak congruously. + + Pan. Hearken. + + Trouil. As much as you will. + + Pan. Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only point I would be +resolved in. + + Trouil. I question it. + + Pan. You never saw her? + + Trouil. Not that I know of. + + Pan. Why do you then doubt of that which you know not? + + Trouil. For a cause. + + Pan. And if you should know her. + + Trouil. Yet more. + + Pan. Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,--I give it thee. +Have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go down to the +lower court. Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation +of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who +shall cuckold me? + + Trouil. Somebody. + + Pan. By the belly of the wooden horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall +bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour. + + Trouil. You say so. + + Pan. Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his +eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad +from the palace of my domestic residence, I do not, with as much +circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from +being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my wife. + + Trouil. Talk better. + + Pan. It is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, +and sung in matter of talk. Let us resolve on somewhat. + + Trouil. I do not gainsay it. + + Pan. Have a little patience. Seeing I cannot on this side draw any +blood of you, I will try if with the lancet of my judgment I be able to +bleed you in another vein. Are you married, or are you not? + + Trouil. Neither the one nor the other, and both together. + + Pan. O the good God help us! By the death of a buffle-ox, I sweat with +the toil and travail that I am put to, and find my digestion broke off, +disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and +diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a +suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch +forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and +laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and +answers. + + Trouil. I shall be no hinderer thereof. + + Pan. Tush, for shame! Our faithful friend, speak; are you married? + + Trouil. I think so. + + Pan. You were also married before you had this wife? + + Trouil. It is possible. + + Pan. Had you good luck in your first marriage? + + Trouil. It is not impossible. + + Pan. How thrive you with this second wife of yours? + + Trouil. Even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny. + + Pan. But what, in good earnest? Tell me--do you prosper well with her? + + Trouil. It is likely. + + Pan. Come on, in the name of God. I vow, by the burden of Saint +Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of +the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate +resolution. Yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and +get my claws over you. Our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, +and confess the verity. Were you ever a cuckold? I say, you who are here, +and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court? + + Trouil. No, if it was not predestinated. + + Pan. By the flesh, blood, and body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, +and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips +and winds himself out of my grips and clutches. + +At these words Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all +things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of +refinedness beyond what it was when I first came to be acquainted +therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not +ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the +schools of the Pyrrhonian, Aporrhetic, Sceptic, and Ephectic sects. +Blessed be the holy name of God! Veritably, it is like henceforth to be +found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the +neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves by +the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap +such philosophers in their words. Farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest +friends. + +When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company. +Pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but +he would not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of +the banqueting-hall than that Pantagruel said to the invited guests: +Plato's Timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention, +was wont to count those that were called thereto. We, on the contrary, +shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up our number. One, +two, three; where is the fourth? I miss my friend Bridlegoose. Was not he +sent for? Epistemon answered that he had been at his house to bid and +invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a messenger from the +parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come to him with a writ of +summons to cite and warn him personally to appear before the reverend +senators of the high court there, to vindicate and justify himself at the +bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his charge, and to be +peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or +sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore, +he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the +end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumacy he +might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time. + +I will, quoth Pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. It is now +above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of Fonsbeton, +during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive +sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal +was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior +judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of Mirlingois, in +Mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and +approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign +court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits +wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day. That now in his +old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of +his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the office +and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a +change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and disaster. I am +resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to the uttermost +extent of my power and ability. I know the malice, despite, and wickedness +of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, increased, and +aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best cause that is, how +just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, +aided, and supported. Therefore presently, from this very instant forth, +do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to +attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand tricky surprisal, +cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to his detriment, +hurt, or disadvantage. + +Then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when Pantagruel +had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the +favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with +several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious +stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate +besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an +inner chamber. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXVII. + +How Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel of a fool. + +When Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in +one of the galleries, perceived Panurge in a lobby not far from thence, +walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard, +raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with +his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called him +nearer, spoke unto him thus: You are at this present, as I think, not +unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about +to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by +endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they +stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered +therein. Even so is it with you. For the more that you labour, strive, +and enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the +implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins +and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in +the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever. Nor do I know +for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one. + +Take heed, I have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, The wise may be +instructed by a fool. Seeing the answers and responses of sage and +judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some +fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will +be agreeable to your own heart's desire and contentment. You know how by +the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, princes, +states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles gained, and +divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved. I am not so +diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a +quotation of examples, nor do I so far undervalue your judgment but that I +think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse. As +he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of his +private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are confined +within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, vigilant, +and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit never +strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may purchase to himself +more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his former wealth, and +who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of poverty, is called a +worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second judgment of the +intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,--so, on the contrary, +is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial spirits, to be not +only sage, but to presage events to come by divine inspiration, who laying +quite aside those cares which are conducible to his body or his fortunes, +and, as it were, departing from himself, rids all his senses of terrene +affections, and clears his fancies of those plodding studies which harbour +in the minds of thriving men. All which neglects of sublunary things are +vulgarily imputed folly. After this manner, the son of Picus, King of the +Latins, the great soothsayer Faunus, was called Fatuus by the witless +rabble of the common people. The like we daily see practised amongst the +comic players, whose dramatic roles, in distribution of the personages, +appoint the acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of the troop. In +approbation also of this fashion the mathematicians allow the very same +horoscope to princes and to sots. Whereof a right pregnant instance by +them is given in the nativities of Aeneas and Choroebus; the latter of +which two is by Euphorion said to have been a fool, and yet had with the +former the same aspects and heavenly genethliac influences. + +I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate +unto you what John Andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was +directed to the mayor and burgesses of Rochelle, and after him by Panorme, +upon the same pontifical canon; Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by +Jason in his Councils, concerning Seyny John, the noted fool of Paris, and +Caillet's fore great-grandfather. The case is this. + +At Paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the Petit Chastelet, before the +cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry +porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above +the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, and +found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook +observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf, +whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going +away. But, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence +shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded +payment for the smoke of his roast meat. The porter answered, that he had +sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution +made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he +was not indebted to him in anything. As for the smoke in question, that, +although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated; +besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that +roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of Paris. The cook hereto +replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for +nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast +meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and +satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got, +that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of +having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his +kitchen fires. Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them +to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the +sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood +to his own defence. The altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the +gaping hoidens of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts, +to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention. In +the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose Seyny John, the fool and +citizen of Paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to +the porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seyny John the +decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us? Yes, by +the blood of a goose, answered the porter, I am content. Seyny John the +fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination of +their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and arbitrament, +after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual +fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed and laid +open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of his belt a +piece of money, if he had it. Whereupon the porter immediately without +delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, put the +tenth part of a silver Philip into his hand. This little Philip Seyny John +took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a +sufficient weight. After that, laying it on the palm of his hand, he made +it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good alloy in +the metal whereof it was composed. Thereafter he put it to the ball or +apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and +marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the whole doltish +people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the great hope of +the cook's and despair of the porter's prevalency in the suit that was in +agitation, he finally caused the porter to make it sound several times upon +the stall of the cook's shop. Then with a presidential majesty holding his +bauble sceptre-like in his hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten +skins, each side whereof had the resemblance of an ape's face sprucified up +with ears of pasted paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised, +furrowed, and ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small +organ pipes, he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three +times, and then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence: +The court declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the +roast, hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money. And the +said court ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his +proper business, without cost and charges, and for a cause. This verdict, +award, and arbitrament of the Parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea, +so admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the +matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place, +or that the judges of the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet +that the Areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any +one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated +and awarded. Therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXVIII. + +How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge. + +By my soul, quoth Panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well. I +will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it. At the very motioning +thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which was +but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive. But as we have hitherto +made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and sapience for +our counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the prime sway in our +consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree. Triboulet, quoth +Pantagruel, is completely foolish, as I conceive. Yes, truly, answered +Panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a + + + Pantagruel. Panurge. +Fatal f. Jovial f. +Natural f. Mercurial f. +Celestial f. Lunatic f. +Erratic f. Ducal f. +Eccentric f. Common f. +Aethereal and Junonian f. Lordly f. +Arctic f. Palatine f. +Heroic f. Principal f. +Genial f. Pretorian f. +Inconstant f. Elected f. +Earthly f. Courtly f. +Salacious and sporting f. Primipilary f. +Jocund and wanton f. Triumphant f. +Pimpled f. Vulgar f. +Freckled f. Domestic f. +Bell-tinging f. Exemplary f. +Laughing and lecherous f. Rare outlandish f. +Nimming and filching f. Satrapal f. +Unpressed f. Civil f. +First broached f. Popular f. +Augustal f. Familiar f. +Caesarine f. Notable f. +Imperial f. Favourized f. +Royal f. Latinized f. +Patriarchal f. Ordinary f. +Original f. Transcendent f. +Loyal f. Rising f. +Episcopal f. Papal f. +Doctoral f. Consistorian f. +Monachal f. Conclavist f. +Fiscal f. Bullist f. +Extravagant f. Synodal f. +Writhed f. Doting and raving f. +Canonical f. Singular and surpassing f. +Such another f. Special and excelling f. +Graduated f. Metaphysical f. +Commensal f. Scatical f. +Primolicentiated f. Predicamental and categoric f. +Train-bearing f. Predicable and enunciatory f. +Supererogating f. Decumane and superlative f. +Collateral f. Dutiful and officious f. +Haunch and side f. Optical and perspective f. +Nestling, ninny, and youngling f. Algoristic f. +Flitting, giddy, and unsteady f. Algebraical f. +Brancher, novice, and cockney f. Cabalistical and Massoretical f. +Haggard, cross, and froward f. Talmudical f. +Gentle, mild, and tractable f. Algamalized f. +Mail-coated f. Compendious f. +Pilfering and purloining f. Abbreviated f. +Tail-grown f. Hyperbolical f. +Grey peckled f. Anatomastical f. +Pleonasmical f. Allegorical f. +Capital f. Tropological f. +Hair-brained f. Micher pincrust f. +Cordial f. Heteroclit f. +Intimate f. Summist f. +Hepatic f. Abridging f. +Cupshotten and swilling f. Morrish f. +Splenetic f. Leaden-sealed f. +Windy f. Mandatory f. +Legitimate f. Compassionate f. +Azymathal f. Titulary f. +Almicantarized f. Crouching, showking, ducking f. +Proportioned f. Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f. +Chinnified f. Well-hung and timbered f. +Swollen and puffed up f. Ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f. +Overcockrifedlid and lified f. Well-stoned f. +Corallory f. Crabbed and unpleasing f. +Eastern f. Winded and untainted f. +Sublime f. Kitchen haunting f. +Crimson f. Lofty and stately f. +Ingrained f. Spitrack f. +City f. Architrave f. +Basely accoutred f. Pedestal f. +Mast-headed f. Tetragonal f. +Modal f. Renowned f. +Second notial f. Rheumatic f. +Cheerful and buxom f. Flaunting and braggadocio f. +Solemn f. Egregious f. +Annual f. Humourous and capricious f. +Festival f. Rude, gross, and absurd f. +Recreative f. Large-measured f. +Boorish and counterfeit f. Babble f. +Pleasant f. Down-right f. +Privileged f. Broad-listed f. +Rustical f. Duncical-bearing f. +Proper and peculiar f. Stale and over-worn f. +Ever ready f. Saucy and swaggering f. +Diapasonal f. Full-bulked f. +Resolute f. Gallant and vainglorious f. +Hieroglyphical f. Gorgeous and gaudy f. +Authentic f. Continual and intermitting f. +Worthy f. Rebasing and roundling f. +Precious f. Prototypal and precedenting f. +Fanatic f. Prating f. +Fantastical f. Catechetic f. +Symphatic f. Cacodoxical f. +Panic f. Meridional f. +Limbecked and distilled f. Nocturnal f. +Comportable f. Occidental f. +Wretched and heartless f. Trifling f. +Fooded f. Astrological and figure-flinging f. +Thick and threefold f. Genethliac and horoscopal f. +Damasked f. Knavish f. +Fearney f. Idiot f. +Unleavened f. Blockish f. +Baritonant f. Beetle-headed f. +Pink and spot-powdered f. Grotesque f. +Musket-proof f. Impertinent f. +Pedantic f. Quarrelsome f. +Strouting f. Unmannerly f. +Wood f. Captious and sophistical f. +Greedy f. Soritic f. +Senseless f. Catholoproton f. +Godderlich f. Hoti and Dioti f. +Obstinate f. Alphos and Catati f. +Contradictory f. +Pedagogical f. +Daft f. +Drunken f. +Peevish f. +Prodigal f. +Rash f. +Plodding f. + + Pantagruel. If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal holiday of +old was called the Feast of Fools, I know not why we may not for the like +cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festivals, to be celebrated and +solemnized over all the land. + + Panurge. If all fools carried cruppers. + + Pantagruel. If he were the god Fatuus of whom we have already made +mention, the husband of the goddess Fatua, his father would be Good Day, +and his grandmother Good Even. + + Panurge. If all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would +overlay at least a fathom at every rake. Let us go toward him without any +further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution +of him. I am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress +impatiently. I must needs, quoth Pantagruel, according to my former +resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose's trial. Nevertheless, +whilst I shall be upon my journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the +other side of the river of Loire, I will despatch Carpalin to bring along +with him from Blois the fool Triboulet. Then was Carpalin instantly sent +away, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge, +Epistemon, Ponocrates, Friar John, Gymnast, Ryzotomus, and others, marched +forward on the high road to Mirelingues. + + + +Chapter 3.XXXIX. + +How Pantagruel was present at the trial of Judge Bridlegoose, who decided +causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice. + +On the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to +Mirelingues. At his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors +prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the +decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which Bridlegoose in his +own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against +the subsidy-assessor, Toucheronde, which did not seem very equitable to +that centumviral court. Pantagruel very willingly condescended to their +desire, and accordingly entering in, found Bridlegoose sitting within the +middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon +the coming of Pantagruel, accompanied with the senatorian members of that +worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, had his indictment read, and +for all his reasons, defences, and excuses, answered nothing else but that +he was become old, and that his sight of late was very much failed, and +become dimmer than it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many miseries +and calamities which old age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to +wrinkled elders; which not. per Archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta. By reason of +which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the +points and blots of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do; +whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac +took Jacob for Esau, that I after the same manner, at the decision of +causes and controversies in law, should have been mistaken in taking a +quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a deuce. This I beseech your worships, +quoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to have the more +favourable opinion of my uprightness, notwithstanding the prevarication +whereof I am accused in the matter of Toucheronde's sentence, that at the +time of that decree's pronouncing I only had made use of my small dice; and +your worships, said he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of +the law it is provided that the imperfections of nature should never be +imputed unto any for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re +milit. l. qui cum uno. ff. de reg. Jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per +totum. ff. de term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolved by Lud. Rom. in l. si +vero. ff. Sol. Matr. And who would offer to do otherwise, should not +thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of God, +as is evident in l. Maximum Vitium, c. de lib. praeter. + +What kind of dice, quoth Trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court, +do you mean, my friend Bridlegoose? The dice, quoth Bridlegoose, of +sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, Alea Judiciorum, +whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de +contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and which +your worships do, as well as I, use, in this glorious sovereign court of +yours. So do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and +final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been +said thereof by D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et +l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud. Ubi Docto. Mark, that chance and fortune are +good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final +closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law. The same hath more +clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et Alex. c. communia de leg. l. Si +duo. But how is it that you do these things? asked Trinquamelle. I very +briefly, quoth Bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine and +instructions of Leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; which +is conform to what is said in Gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa. Gaudent +brevitate moderni. My practice is therein the same with that of your other +worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto which our law +commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to direct and +regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de consuet. in c. ex +literis et ibi innoc. For having well and exactly seen, surveyed, +overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned and +tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of complaint, +accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings, +comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, +instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, +evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, +contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments +of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of +former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings, +deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation +bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, +declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters +of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories, +anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, +dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, +returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other +such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a +good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon. Spec. +de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de +rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.--I posit on the end of a table in my +closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the +first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other +worships. And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in +cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, Quum sunt partium jura +obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori. That being done, I +thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and +satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do, +visum visu, just over against one another; for Opposita juxta se posita +clarius elucescunt: ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. de his qui +sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et +hon. Then do I likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and +forthwith livre him his chance. But, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, how +come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various +and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the +suitors and pleading parties? Even just, quoth Bridlegoose, after the +fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the one +side and on the other, I then use my little small dice, after the customary +manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, Semper in +stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur. And the law ver(s)ified versifieth that, +Eod. tit. Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in c. in +obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other large great dice, fair and goodly +ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other worships use to do, +when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when +there are fewer bags. But when you have done all these fine things, quoth +Trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce +judgment? Even as your other worships, answered Bridlegoose; for I give +out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice, +judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first. So our laws command, +ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1. Et de regul. jur. in +6. Qui prior est tempore potior est jure. + + + +Chapter 3.XL. + +How Bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which +he decided by the chance of the dice. + +Yea but, quoth Trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance, +and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do +not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour, +without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting +party-pleaders appear before you? To what use can those writings serve you, +those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of the +law-suitors? To the very same use, quoth Bridlegoose, that they serve your +other worships. They are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in three +things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical. First, for formality +sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is done, to be of +no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. 1. tit. de instr. +edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent. Besides that, it is not unknown to +you, who have had many more experiments thereof than I, how oftentimes, in +judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the materialities and +substances of the causes and matters agitated; for Forma mutata, mutatur +substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. Julianus. ff. ad leg. Fal. l. si is qui +quadraginta. Et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c. +in quadam. + +Secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other +worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise. The late +Master Othoman Vadet (Vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, Cod. de +Comit. et Archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and default +of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the +little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your +worships and I am. Which observation was singularly well before him noted +and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod. +Therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed +to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be +denied unto me, who am of the same profession; Quia accessorium naturam +sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil +dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de officio +deleg. cap. 1. Let certain honest and recreative sports and plays of +corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de allus. +et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff. +de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11. Such +also is the opinion of D. Thom, in secunda, secundae Q. I. 168. Quoted in +very good purpose by D. Albert de Rosa, who fuit magnus practicus, and a +solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. Wherefore the +reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down before us in gloss. in +prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii. + + Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. + +In very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and +ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a +younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high +treasurers of France, whereinto as soon as ever I got leave to enter by a +pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,--as your other worships know +very well, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l. +singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et Salic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit. +pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 1. de baptism.--I found them all recreating and +diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after +dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the +two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest, +healthful, ancient, and lawful, a Muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit. +haered. l. si post mortem. et Muscarii. Such as play and sport it at the +muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10. +And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet one of the players of +that game of muss. There is nothing that I do better remember, for he +laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber +spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders. He, nevertheless, did +even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the waste +and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace to +their own houses, excuse them from their wives, Per. c. extra. de +praesumpt. et ibi gloss. Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say, +according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no +exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial, +or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to empty and +void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote margins and +backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection of causes, +Ex. Bart. et Joan. de Pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. ff. + +Thirdly, I consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth and +bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be made +manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue. +Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et spec. +tit. de requisit. cons. Therefore is it that, after the manner and fashion +of your other worships, I defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit, +surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, and +shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the end that the +suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and canvassed to +and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and +examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by +succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and maturity. By +means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the +parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will with much +greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the +disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced at +their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. tria. +onera. + + Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter. + +On the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw, +crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would ensue +of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been wont to +say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or +unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating humour before +its digestion. For as it is written, in authent. haec constit. in Innoc. +de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum. +extra. de juram. calumn. Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura +negotiis. Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and +reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not before. Instit. +de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. Julianus. To +marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de +donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si quis sponsam. +et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl. + + Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis + Virginitas. + +And, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable +importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. de +c. ultimo. + + + +Chapter 3.XLI. + +How Bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at +variance in matters of law. + +I remember to the same purpose, quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his +discourse, that in the time when at Poictiers I was a student of law under +Brocadium Juris, there was at Semerve one Peter Dandin, a very honest man, +careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good +repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who +was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the Council +of Lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat. As also, that he had +beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction his +wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging at a +large sky-coloured ribbon. This honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed +more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been +determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of +Poictiers, in the auditory of Montmorillon, and in the town-house of the +old Partenay. This amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and +of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the +neighbouring places of Chauvigny, Nouaille, Leguge, Vivonne, Mezeaux, +Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and +hamlets. All their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their +brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences. By his advice and +counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the +verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in very +deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well +conceive,--arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis +obligatoriis l.continuus. There was not a hog killed within three parishes +of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings. He was +almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast, +an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday's anniversary +solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious +entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between +persons at odds and in debate with one another. Remark what I say; for he +never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance, +but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as a +sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely +well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper +mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,--Ut not. per (Doct.) ff. +de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1. He had a son, whose name was Tenot +Dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me God! who +likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have undertaken and +meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of controversies +betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you know, + + Saepe solet similis esse patri. + Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter. + +Ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. Si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin. +et est. not. per Doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l. +legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil. +edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. Jul. Majest. Excipio filios a Moniali +susceptos ex Monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1. And +such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he +assumed unto himself the title of Law-strife-settler. He was likewise in +these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant--for, Vigilantibus +jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. non +enim. et instit. in prooem.--that when he had smelt, heard, and fully +understood--ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. Agaso. gloss. in verb. olfecit, +id est, nasum ad culum posuit--and found that there was anywhere in the +country a debatable matter at law, he would incontinently thrust in his +advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made +no bones of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult +soever it might happen to be, to the full contentment and satisfaction of +both parties. It is written, Qui non laborat non manducat; and the said +gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, and Currere plus que le pas vetulam +compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l. +si plures. c. de cond. incert. But so hugely great was his misfortune in +this his undertaking, that he never composed any difference, how little +soever you may imagine it might have been, but that, instead of reconciling +the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a +higher point of dissension and enmity than ever they were at before. Your +worships know, I doubt not, that, + + Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. + +Gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2. This administered unto the +tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of Semerve an occasion to say, +that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much +reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of +Leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour's time. It +happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof +to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in pacificatory +enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, and backward +inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and irreverently +upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had been so +wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all square, frame, +and order as it was then, his father had never attained to and acquired the +honour and title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably, inviolably, and +irrevocably as he had done. In doing whereof Tenot did heinously +transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to reproach the +actions of their parents; per gl. et Bart. l. 3. paragr. si quis. ff. de +cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. col. 4. To +this the honest old father answered thus: My son Dandin, when Don Oportet +taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. de appell. l. +eos etiam. For the road that you went upon was not the way to the fuller's +mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be found wherein the hare did +sit. Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of settling and composing +differences. Why? Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the very +infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible. +Yet I know handsomely and featly how to compose and settle them all. Why? +Because I take them at their decadence, in their weaning, and when they are +pretty well digested. So saith Gloss: + + Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus. + +L. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip. Didst thou ever hear +the vulgar proverb, Happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the +declension of a disease? For the sickness being come to a crisis is then +upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the +physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though +nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof. My +pleaders, after the same manner, before I did interpose my judgment in the +reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations. Their +altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former +strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their +differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and +despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers. +That is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in +their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their +actions. + + Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia. + +There wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a +paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part +dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement, +for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and +pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it +should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a +reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being +sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, and +make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an +amicable and friendly treaty. Then was it that I came in pudding time, +Dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than +was my verdict then agreeable to them. This was my luck, my profit, and +good fortune. I tell thee, my jolly son Dandin, that by this rule and +method I could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms +and truce for many years to come, betwixt the Great King and the Venetian +State, the Emperor and the Cantons of Switzerland, the English and the +Scots, and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians. Shall I go yet further? +Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the Sophy, the +Tartars and the Muscoviters. Remark well what I am to say unto thee. I +would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those of the +one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, when they +had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all treasure and +coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their subjects, sold and +mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally wasted, spent, +and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, and victuals that were +necessary for the continuance of a military expedition. There I am sure, +by God, or by his Mother, that, would they, would they not, in spite of all +their teeths, they should be forced to have a little respite and breathing +time to moderate the fury and cruel rage of their ambitious aims. This is +the doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando. + + Odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo. + + + +Chapter 3.XLII. + +How suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their +perfect growth. + +For this cause, quoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, I temporize +and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting +patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection +thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags. Arg. in l. +si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. +A suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to me, +as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion, +incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into the +world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an inform, +rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain still so, +if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful cub, did +not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape which +nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. Doct. +ff. ad l. Aquil. l. 3. in fin. Just so do I see, as your other worships +do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to be +numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they +consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through +which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul, +loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts. But when there are heaps of these +legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled, +and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that +suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof, +they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed, +strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely membered. +Because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg. Falcid. in c. cum +dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before him, Baldus, +in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. Julianus ad exhib. ff. et l. quaesitum. +ff. de leg. 3. The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1. c. +Paulus. + + Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur. + +Like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants, +messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers, +attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge delegates, +arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, jurors, +searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks, +pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. est. l. 3. +c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the +purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and +engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, beaks, +bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so +forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; which +parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and bags, +gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti. Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit. +Hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and +law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators of +justice. For beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. de +celebr. Miss. c. cum Marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. Od. gl. + + Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis. + +Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a +complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned +according to the canonical gloss. + + Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae. + +Which speech hath been more clearly explained by Albert de Ros, in verbo +Roma. + + Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit. + Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. + +The reason whereof is thought to be this: + + Ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora. + +ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact. Nor is this all; for the +inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin. + + Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas. + +In confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of +the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers, +and of many pokes--id est, prou-sacks--to the pleaders, upon which subject +we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds. + + Ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur. + +Item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l. +non epistolis. l. non nudis. + + Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant. + +Yea but, asked Trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal +causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon flagrante +crimine? Even as your other worships use to do, answered Bridlegoose. +First, I permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, enjoining him not +to presume to return thither till he preallably should have taken a good +sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the prime entry and +introduction to the legal carrying on of the business. In the next place, +a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept. Thirdly, I issue +forth a warrant to convene him before me. Fourthly, he is to produce a +sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly and entirely +slept, conform to the Gloss. 37. Quest. 7. c. Si quis cum. + + Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus. + +Being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, I find that this +consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating +of a member. That again produceth a third act, fashionative of another +member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act. +New members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding +and begetting another--as, link after link, the coat of mail at length is +made--till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, by information +upon information, the process be completely well formed and perfect in all +his members. Finally, having proceeded this length, I have recourse to my +dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or +interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me +thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and irrefragable +force. + +I remember, on a time, that in the camp at Stockholm there was a certain +Gascon named Gratianauld, native of the town of Saint Sever, who having +lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat--as +you know, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait Anto. de Burtio, in c. +accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt. +leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud. Pecunia est vita +hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus--did, at his coming forth +of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was there, +with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following words: +Pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire: ares que de +pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien +pics, trucs, et patacts, Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe +iou a bels embis. Finding that none would make him any answer, he passed +from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder +sponder, swashbuckling High Germans were, to whom he renewed these very +terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from +them to his stout challenge was only, Der Gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein +iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen, +habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath. Finding also that none of that band of +Teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter +of the leaguer where the French freebooting adventurers were encamped, and +reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the Dutch warriors, +challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some +pretty little Gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more cheerfully +and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing engagement; but +no answer at all was made unto him. Whereupon the Gascon, despairing of +meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and laying himself down +not far from the pavilions of the grand Christian cavalier Crissie, fell +fast asleep. When he had thoroughly slept an hour or two, another +adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of the lavishingly +wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, sallied forth with +sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon, +seeing he had lost as well as he. + + Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris, + +saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures. To this effect +having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in +sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good fellow, in +the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up! I have lost +my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily +together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose. Thou mayest look and see +that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier. The Gascon, altogether +astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former +dialect spoke thus: Cap de Saint Arnault, quau seys to you, qui me +rebeillez? Que mau de taberne te gire. Ho Saint Siobe, cap de Gascoigne, +ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee. The venturous +roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, without +condescending to his desire, said only this: He paovret jou tesquinerie +ares, que son pla reposat. Vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse +truqueren. Thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he +had to fight. In conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a +little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went +jointly to a sutler's tent, where they drank together very amicably, each +upon the pawn of his sword. Thus by a little sleep was pacified the ardent +fury of two warlike champions. There, gossip, comes the golden word of +John Andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto. + + Sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens. + +Chapter 3.XLIII. + +How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at +law by the chance of the dice. + +With this Bridlegoose held his peace. Whereupon Trinquamelle bid him +withdraw from the court--which accordingly was done--and then directed his +discourse to Pantagruel after this manner: It is fitting, most illustrious +prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations wherein this present +parliament, together with the whole marquisate of Mirelingues, stand bound +to your royal highness for the innumerable benefits which, as effects of +mere grace, they have received from your incomparable bounty, but for that +excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable learning wherewith +Almighty God, the giver of all good things, hath most richly qualified and +endowed you, we tender and present unto you the decision of this new, +strange, and paradoxical case of Bridlegoose; who, in your presence, to +your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and +determinating of suits of law by the mere chance and fortune of the dice. +Therefore do we beseech you that you may be pleased to give sentence +therein as unto you shall seem most just and equitable. To this Pantagruel +answered: Gentlemen, it is not unknown to you how my condition is somewhat +remote from the profession of deciding law controversies; yet, seeing you +are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead of +undergoing the office of a judge I will become your humble supplicant. I +observe, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose several things which induce me to +represent before you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned. In the +first place, his old age; secondly, his simplicity; to both which qualities +our statute and common laws, civil and municipal together, allow many +excuses for any slips or escapes which, through the invincible imperfection +of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so +qualified. Thirdly, gentlemen, I must needs display before you another +case, which in equity and justice maketh much for the advantage of +Bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his ought to +be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by that immense and vast +ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore he hath given and +pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and upwards that he hath +been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the scales of uprightness, +that envy itself till now could not have been so impudent as to accuse and +twit him with any act worthy of a check or reprehension; as, if a drop of +the sea were thrown into the Loire, none could perceive or say that by this +single drop the whole river should be salt and brackish. + +Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of Bridlegoose's +juridical decrees there hath been I know not what of extraordinary +savouring of the unspeakable benignity of God, that all those his preceding +sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and approved of by +yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court. For it is +usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest +his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of the wise, +in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing the pride of +rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting, +upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish ones +of the earth. But, waiving all these matters, I shall only beseech you, +not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, for which I +thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and affection which you +have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of Loire, for +the maintenance and establishment of your places, offices, and dignities, +that for this one time you would pardon and forgive him upon these two +conditions. First, that he satisfy, or put a sufficient surety for the +satisfaction of the party wronged by the injustice of the sentence in +question. For the fulfilment of this article I will provide sufficiently. +And, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of +administrating justice you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him +some pretty little virtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and wiser than +he, by the square and rule of whose advice he may regulate, guide, temper, +and moderate in times coming all his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if +you intend totally to depose him from his office, and to deprive him +altogether of the state and dignity of a judge, I shall cordially entreat +you to make a present and free gift of him to me, who shall find in my +kingdoms charges and employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the +bettering of his own fortunes and furtherance of my service. In the +meantime, I implore the Creator, Saviour, and Sanctifier of all good +things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preserve you all now and +evermore, world without end. + +These words thus spoken, Pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with +such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and +eminency, farewelled Trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of that +Mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and went out +of the chamber; at the door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon, Friar John, +and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the outer gate, where +all of them immediately took horse to return towards Gargantua. Pantagruel +by the way related to them from point to point the manner of Bridlegoose's +sententiating differences at law. Friar John said that he had seen Peter +Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the +monastery of Fontaine le Comte, under the noble Abbot Ardillon. Gymnast +likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of the grand Christian cavalier +De Crissie, when the Gascon, after his sleep, made answer to the +adventurer. Panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing +that it was morally possible Bridlegoose should have been for such a long +space of time so continually fortunate in that aleatory way of deciding law +debates. Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such another story, not much unlike +to that in all the circumstances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the +provost of Montlehery. In good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck is to +be wondered at. To have hit right twice or thrice in a judgment so given +by haphazard might have fallen out well enough, especially in controversies +that were ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure. + + + +Chapter 3.XLIV. + +How Pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human +judgment. + +Seeing you talk, quoth Pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty +debates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolabella, +proconsul in Asia. The case was this. + +A wife in Smyrna had of her first husband a child named Abece. He dying, +she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her second +husband bore a boy called Effege. A pretty long time thereafter it +happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very +rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that +this husband, with the help of his son Effege, secretly, wittingly, +willingly, and treacherously murdered Abece. The woman came no sooner to +get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she +caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son. She was +apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolabella, in whose presence she, +without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge; +yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing +of them. Thus was the state of the question. He found the business so +dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor +which of the parties to incline to. On the one hand, it was an execrable +crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son. On the other +hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded +upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the +world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed +her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged, +outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess his +inheritance. In this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch upon, +he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens to learn and obtain their +advice and judgment. That judicious senate, very sagely perpending the +reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her personally to +compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to answer to some +interrogatories touching certain points which were not contained in the +verbal defence. Which resolution of theirs did import that it was in their +opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that they knew not what to +say or judge therein. Who had decided that plea by the chance and fortune +of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he +had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence. If against the woman, +she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign authority by taking that +vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the +supreme power to administer justice in criminal cases. If for her, the +just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her +innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any trespass or offence +about that particular committed by her. But this continuation of +Bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on the head, never +missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere throwing of the +dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me. + +To answer, quoth Pantagruel (Epistemon, says the English edition of 1694, +following the reading of the modern French editions. Le Duchat has pointed +out the mistake.--M.), categorically to that which you wonder at, I must +ingeniously confess and avow that I cannot; yet, conjecturally to guess at +the reason of it, I would refer the cause of that marvellously +long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive +sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the +intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having +contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of Judge +Bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that for +him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest deliberation he +was not able to reach unto. That, likewise, which possibly made him to +diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert +and understanding lawyer, for anything that I know to the contrary, was the +knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, contrarieties, +antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of laws, customs, +edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which dangerous opposition, +equity and justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite +terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of injustice and +iniquity through the various interpretations of self-ended lawyers, being +assuredly persuaded that the infernal calumniator, who frequently +transformeth himself into the likeness of a messenger or angel of light, +maketh use of these cross glosses and expositions in the mouths and pens of +his ministers and servants, the perverse advocates, bribing judges, +law-monging attorneys, prevaricating counsellors, and other such-like +law-wresting members of a court of justice, to turn by those means black to +white, green to grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply. For the more +expedient doing whereof, these diabolical ministers make both the pleading +parties believe that their cause is just and righteous; for it is well +known that there is no cause, how bad soever, which doth not find an +advocate to patrocinate and defend it,--else would there be no process in +the world, no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar. He did in these +extremities, as I conceive, most humbly recommend the direction of his +judicial proceedings to the upright judge of judges, God Almighty; did +submit himself to the conduct and guideship of the blessed Spirit in the +hazard and perplexity of the definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory +lot, did as it were implore and explore the divine decree of his goodwill +and pleasure, instead of that which we call the final judgment of a court. +To this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge +righteously, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end +that by the providence aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose +action was uprightest, and backed with greatest reason. In doing whereof +he did not stray from the sense of Talmudists, who say that there is so +little harm in that manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and +perplexedness of human wits God oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure +of his divine will. + +Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the +unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of +the parliament of Mirelingois in Mirelingues, before whom Bridlegoose was +arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse +practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and +hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it +remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are full +of blood and hearts of wry affections. Besides that, their principal +direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one Tribonian, a +wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so +pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his +ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and +ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them. +Thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them +by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds +of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling, +and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total law; fearing +that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of +such as are interested in it, and the learned books of the ancient doctors +of the law upon the exposition of the Twelve Tables and Praetorian Edicts, +his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to the +public notice of the world. Therefore were it better, in my conceit, that +is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at variance in any juridical +case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination +of what is their right to such unhallowed sentences and horrible decrees; +as Cato in his time wished and advised that every judiciary court should be +paved with caltrops. + + + +Chapter 3.XLV. + +How Panurge taketh advice of Triboulet. + +On the sixth day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home at the very same +hour that Triboulet was by water come from Blois. Panurge, at his arrival, +gave him a hog's bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because of the +hard peas that were within it. Moreover he did present him with a gilt +wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an osier-wattled +wicker-bottle full of Breton wine, and five-and-twenty apples of the +orchard of Blandureau. + +If he be such a fool, quoth Carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is no +more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage. Triboulet +girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate +some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine. Panurge very wistly and +heedfully looking upon him said, I never yet saw a fool, and I have seen +ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to drink +heartily, and by good long draughts. When Triboulet had done with his +drinking, Panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the business +wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted +terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric. But, before he had altogether +done, Triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret between the +shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, fillipped +and flirted him in the nose with the hog's bladder, and lastly, for a final +resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he +answered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad fool, beware the monk, +Buzansay hornpipe! These words thus finished, he slipped himself out of +the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in +the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas. After which time +it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his chaps the articulate +sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when Panurge went about to +interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his wooden sword, and would have +stuck him therewith. I have fished fair now, quoth Panurge, and brought my +pigs to a fine market. Have I not got a brave determination of all my +doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that gave it? +He is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater fool who +brought him hither to me,--That bolt, quoth Carpalin, levels point-blank at +me,--but of the three I am the greatest fool, who did impart the secret of +my thoughts to such an idiot ass and native ninny. + +Without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth +Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures +and speech which he hath made and uttered. In them, veritably, quoth he, +have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable mysteries; yea, of +such important worth and weight, that I shall never henceforth be +astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great deal of worship +and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally with their primest +doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets. Did not you take heed, quoth he, a +little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and +wagging his head did keep? By the approved doctrine of the ancient +philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert magicians, and +the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a brangling agitation +and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickened and +suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the prophetizing and fatidical +spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow receptacle +of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as the proverb shows it, a +little head containeth not much brains), was the cause of that commotion. +This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful physicians, when +they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall upon the members of a human +body, partly because of the heaviness and violent impetuosity of the burden +and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason of the weakness and +imbecility that is in the virtue of the bearing organ. A manifest example +whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not able to carry to their +head a great goblet full of wine without a trembling and a shaking in the +hand that holds it. This of old was accounted a prefiguration and mystical +pointing out of the Pythian divineress, who used always, before the +uttering of a response from the oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic +laurel. Lampridius also testifieth that the Emperor Heliogabalus, to +acquire unto himself the reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy +days of prime solemnnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the +head of his idol by some slight within the body thereof publicly to shake. +Plautus, in his Asinaria, declareth likewise, that Saurias, whithersoever +he walked, like one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious +lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those +who casually met with him in his way. The said author in another place, +showing a reason why Charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that +he was transported and in an ecstasy. Catullus after the same manner +maketh mention, in his Berecynthia and Atys, of the place wherein the +Menades, Bacchical women, she-priests of the Lyaean god, and demented +prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads. +As in the like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests of Cybele were +wont to do in the celebrating of their festivals. Whence, too, according +to the sense of the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination, +for kubistan signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and +play the part of one that is wry-necked. + +Semblably Titus Livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the +Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and +vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging +of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then +most punctually. For the common voice of the philosophers, together with +the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that +vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the +concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said +presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired +declareth and manifesteth it unto others. The learned lawyer Julian, being +asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and +in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and +enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a +noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging +at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent +enough. Is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and +instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would do +a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication, +stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of the +sage Egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them +up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of +theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange +and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by +disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a +wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline. All which Virgil +acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of Apollo Cynthius. + + + +Chapter 3.XLVI. + +How Pantagruel and Panurge diversely interpret the words of Triboulet. + +He says you are a fool. And what kind of fool? A mad fool, who in your +old age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your +pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his +codpiece. He says furthermore, Beware of the monk. Upon mine honour, it +gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk. Nay, I will +engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn I could have in my +possession although I were sole and peaceable dominator over all Europe, +Asia, and Africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned +brotherhood of Vulcan. Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to +the wise foolery of our morosoph Triboulet. The other oracles and +responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without +descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch +upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who +is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self. +Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather +with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much +the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously +contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher. Moreover, he says +that you will be the hornpipe of Buzansay, that is to say, well-horned, +hornified, and cornuted. And, as Triboulet's uncle asked from Louis the +Twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at Blois, the hornpipes +of Buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one word for +another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet, +and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, loud, +obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any Buzansay +hornpipe. Consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with the bladder, +and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the ridge of the +back. This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and +fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods from you, as +you stole the hog's bladder from the little boys of Vaubreton. + +Flat contrary, quoth Panurge;--not that I would impudently exempt myself +from being a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold of that +jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confess it. And why should I not? +For the whole world is foolish. In the old Lorraine language, fou for tou, +all and fool, were the same thing. Besides, it is avouched by Solomon that +infinite is the number of fools. From an infinity nothing can be deducted +or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of Aristotle, can anything thereto be +added or subjoined. Therefore were I a mad fool if, being a fool, I should +not hold myself a fool. After the same manner of speaking, we may aver the +number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite. Avicenna maketh no +bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite. Though +this much of Triboulet's words tend little to my advantage, howbeit the +prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, yet +the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me. He said to my +wife, Be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be cheery, +and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the Lesbia of Catullus in +her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less joyfully at +the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the merciless +fly-catcher Domitian. Withal he meant, by another part of his discourse, +that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and pleasing as a +harmonious hornpipe of Saulieau or Buzansay. The veridical Triboulet did +therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the inclinations and +propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias of my interior +passions and affections. For you may be assured that my humour is much +better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled +shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas smocks smell of the +clover grass of the field, than with those great ladies in magnific courts, +with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastillos, and +cosmetics. The homely sound, likewise, of a rustical hornpipe is more +agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling and musical quavering of +lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins. He gave me a lusty rapping +thwack on my back,--what then? Let it pass, in the name and for the love of +God, as an abatement of and deduction from so much of my future pains in +purgatory. He did it not out of any evil intent. He thought, belike, to +have hit some of the pages. He is an honest fool, and an innocent +changeling. It is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit of him. As +for myself, I heartily pardon him. He flirted me on the nose. In that +there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that betwixt my wife and +me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which usually happen to all +new-married folks. + + + +Chapter 3.XLVII. + +How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the +holy bottle. + +There is as yet another point, quoth Panurge, which you have not at all +considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter. +He put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again. How interpret you +that passage? What is the meaning of that? He possibly, quoth Pantagruel, +signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily +take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace. Quite +otherwise, quoth Panurge; for the bottle was empty. I swear to you, by the +prickling brambly thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique morosoph, +whom I formerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, referreth me, for attaining +to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle. +Therefore do I renew afresh the first vow which I made, and here in your +presence protest and make oath, by Styx and Acheron, to carry still +spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until +upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking I shall have obtained +an answer from the holy bottle. I am acquainted with a prudent, +understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of +mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle +is built and posited. He will guide and conduct us thither sure and +safely. Let us go thither, I beseech you. Deny me not, and say not nay; +reject not the suit I make unto you, I entreat you. I will be to you an +Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole voyage, +both in your going forth and coming back. I have of a long time known you +to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn new things, +and still to see what you had never seen before. + +Very willingly, quoth Pantagruel, I condescend to your request. But before +we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a +journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable +hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,--What +dangers? quoth Panurge, interrupting him. Dangers fly back, run from, and +shun me whithersoever I go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of the +sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness +quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all sores and +sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of St. Martin a +Quande. Nevertheless, quoth Pantagruel, before we adventure to set +forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few points +are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched. First, let us send back +Triboulet to Blois. Which was instantly done, after that Pantagruel had +given him a frieze coat. Secondly, our design must be backed with the +advice and counsel of the king my father. And, lastly, it is most needful +and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve us +for a guide, truchman, and interpreter. To this Panurge made answer, that +his friend Xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge and +performance of the sibyl's office; and that, furthermore, in passing +through the Lanternatory revelling country, they should take along with +them a learned and profitable Lanternesse, which would be no less useful to +them in their voyage than was the sibyl to Aeneas in his descent to the +Elysian fields. Carpalin, in the interim, as he was upon the conducting +away of Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse +they were upon; then spoke out, saying, Ho, Panurge, master freeman, take +my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, for he is goud-fallot, a good +fellow. He will not forget those who have been debitors; these are +Lanternes. Thus shall you not lack for both fallot and lanterne. I may +safely with the little skill I have, quoth Pantagruel, prognosticate that +by the way we shall engender no melancholy. I clearly perceive it already. +The only thing that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the Lanternatory +language. I shall, answered Panurge, speak for you all. I understand it +every whit as well as I do mine own maternal tongue; I have been no less +used to it than to the vulgar French. + + Briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos. + Isquebsz prusq: albok crinqs zacbac. + Mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos, + Strombtz, Panurge, walmap quost gruszbac. + +Now guess, friend Epistemon, what this is. They are, quoth Epistemon, +names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils. These words of +thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth Panurge; yet are they terms +used in the language of the court of the Lanternish people. By the way, as +we go upon our journey, I will make to thee a pretty little dictionary, +which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new +shoes. Thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the +dawning of the next subsequent morning. What I have said in the foregoing +tetrastich is thus translated out of the Lanternish tongue into our vulgar +dialect: + + All miseries attended me, whilst I + A lover was, and had no good thereby. + Of better luck the married people tell; + Panurge is one of those, and knows it well. + +There is little more, then, quoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that we +understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and +purchase his consent. + + + +Chapter 3.XLVIII. + +How Gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the +special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers. + +No sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the +castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest Gargantua +coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and +summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his +observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then, +acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might +stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go +through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken. The good man +Gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed and +answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him +in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit presented, had +nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to Ulric Gallet, his +ancient and faithful Master of Requests; then drew aside Pantagruel, and, +with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, spoke to him +thus: I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most dear son, that +he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to virtuous +actions. I am well content that the voyage which you have motioned to me +be by you accomplished, but withal I could wish you would have a mind and +desire to marry, for that I see you are of competent years. Panurge in the +meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing and providing for remedies, +salves, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he +could in the height of his fancy conceive might by Gargantua be cast in the +way of their itinerary design. Is it your pleasure, most dear father, that +you speak? answered Pantagruel. For my part, I have not yet thought upon +it. In all this affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and +paternal authority. For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw +me down stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than that against your +pleasure I should be found married alive. I never yet heard that by any +law, whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous +nations in the world, it was allowed and approved of that children may be +suffered and tolerated to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without +the knowledge, advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers, +mothers, and nearest kindred. All legislators, everywhere upon the face of +the whole earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from +children, and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents. + +My dearly beloved son, quoth Gargantua, I believe you, and from my heart +thank God for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect +notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that +through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit +unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and +virtuous. For in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain +country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian mole-catching +priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a +matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of Cybele in Phrygia, as if +they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and +wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs, +taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks. I +cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loathe, and +abominate,--whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded sacerdotal +mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up themselves +within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious temples, do deal +in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into harvests of +secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically opposite to the +quality, state, and condition of their callings, professions, and +vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness of +married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies, +fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of such odious, +perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws. Nor do they see that which is +clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,--how all these +nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have been +decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and advantage +of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all for the +good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married people. Which +administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering these churchmen +suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing, +no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weighed +in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by +way of compensation, would impose laws to be followed and observed by those +mysts and flamens, how they should behave themselves in the making and +performance of their rites and ceremonies, and after what manner they ought +to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various oblations, +victims, and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the decimation and +tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off and take parings, shreddings, and +clippings of the gain proceeding from the labour of their hands and sweat +of their brows, therewith to entertain themselves the better. Upon which +consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands would not +prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the ecclesiastic power unto +which they had tendered their blind obedience. For, as you have very well +said, there is no place in the world where, legally, a licence is granted +to the children to marry without the advice and consent of their parents +and kindred. Nevertheless, by those wicked laws and mole-catching customs, +whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you, +there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or pocky ruffian, pander, knave, +rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and burn-marked in +his own country for his crimes and felonies, who may not violently snatch +away and ravish what maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon, how noble, +how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she be, and that out of the +house of her own father, in his own presence, from the bosom of her mother, +and in the sight and despite of her friends and kindred looking on a so +woeful spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be so cunning as to +associate unto himself some mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant +made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the +prey. + +Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Massagets do a worse or more cruel act to +any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of +their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money, +and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and +impetuous assault? May not these fathers and mothers, think you, be +sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond +stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified, +scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an +open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, +well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose +breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing +them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous +employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage, +hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and +convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving +neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught, +instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude, +to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage, +that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the +laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom +they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, movables, +and inheritances? How doleful, trist, and plangorous would such a sight +and pageantry prove unto them? You shall not need to think that the +collachrymation of the Romans and their confederates at the decease of +Germanicus Drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs? Neither +would I have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the +Lacedaemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the perfidiousness of the +adulterous Trojan, Paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, was +greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of +theirs? You may very well imagine that Ceres at the ravishment of her +daughter Proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they. +Trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of Osiris was not so +regrettable to Isis, nor did Venus so deplore the death of Adonis, nor yet +did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas, nor was the rapt of Polyxena +more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and Hecuba, than this +aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful, +and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents. + +Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are +so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in +superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose +and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath +been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and +covenanter in that detestable bargain. What do they do then? They +wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their +well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein +they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not their +fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to be +delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend at +best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their +children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should +have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and comfort. +Other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and indignity +put upon them and their families, that, transported with the extremity of +passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of a grievous +fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherwise put +violent hands on themselves. Others, again, of that parental relation +have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more magnanimous and +heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the children of +Jacob revenging upon the Sichemites the rapt of their sister Dinah, having +found the rascally ruffian in the association of his mystical mole-catcher +closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, and coming with their +daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, perverting, and +enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewdnesses, have, +without any further advisement on the matter, cut them instantly into +pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields their so +dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens. Upon the +chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, stout, and +manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so highly incensed, +and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, bills of complaint +and accusations having been in a most odious and detestable manner put in +before the competent judges, the arm of secular authority hath with much +importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and required, they +proudly contending that the servants of God would become contemptible if +exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon the persons of the +perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous, +and execrable crime. + +Yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial +law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph, +point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath +been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that +kind. Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant. For there is no virtuous +man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more +hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace, +ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death. Now any man, +finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his +daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances +of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without +incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of +justice for so doing. What wonder is it then? Or how little strange +should it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with +his mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning +his daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent +thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them brought +upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and cast their +carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs and swine, or +otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing, and +rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild beasts of the field +(as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces of +the great Alma Mater, the earth, commonly called burial). + +Dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of +these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst I breathe, by +the grace and assistance of God, I shall give good order. Seeing, +therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of +you in marriage, I am fully of an opinion that I shall provide sufficiently +well for you in that point. Make ready and prepare yourself for Panurge's +voyage. Take along with you Epistemon, Friar John, and such others as you +will choose. Do with my treasures what unto yourself shall seem most +expedient. None of your actions, I promise you, can in any manner of way +displease me. Take out of my arsenal Thalasse whatsoever equipage, +furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, mariners, +and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and favourable +wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of God our Saviour. In the +meanwhile, during your absence, I shall not be neglective of providing a +wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite to be made for +the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most splendid feast, +if ever there was any in the world, since the days of Ahasuerus. + + + +Chapter 3.XLIX. + +How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb +named Pantagruelion. + +Within very few days after that Pantagruel had taken his leave of the good +Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son's happy voyage, he arrived at +the seaport, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, Epistemon, Friar +John of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the royal house, +especially with Xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of dangerous +ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of whose +castlewick of Salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure +of a mesne fee. Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready +for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which Ajax of +Salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the Grecian soldiery against the +Trojan state. He likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots, +sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought +fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts, +artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such +luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for +carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage. Amongst +other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be +fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called +Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the +confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present use +after the fashion of conserves. The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root +somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very blunt +point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured with +some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the +profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half. From the root thereof +proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish +within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and +gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged, +snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and +columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full +of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and +dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa, +as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the +denomination of milasea. Its height is commonly of five or six foot. Yet +sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a +lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and +well-soaked soil--as is the ground of the territory of Olone, and that of +Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia--and that it want not for rain enough +about the season of the fishers' holidays and the estival solstice. There +are many trees whose height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call +it dendromalache by the authority of Theophrastus. The plant every year +perisheth,--the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being +durable. + +From the stalk of this Pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large +and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth, +always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or Spanish bugloss, +hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, betony, +and finally ending as it were in the points of a Macedonian spear, or of +such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their phlebotomizing +tiltings. The figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not much different +from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the herb itself being +so like the Eupatorian plant that many skilful herbalists have called it +the Domestic Eupator, and the Eupator the Wild Pantagruelion. These leaves +are in equal and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number +in every rank either of five or seven, nature having so highly favoured and +cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd, +divine, and mysterious numbers. The smell thereof is somewhat strong, and +not very pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses. The seed enclosed +therein mounteth up to the very top of its stalk, and a little above it. + +This is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any +other whatsoever. Some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and +some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, or +tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, yet +such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and +sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, +yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite +extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any +man who would eat much and often of it. And although that of old amongst +the Greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and +tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were +presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the wine +relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive to +the stomach. For it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its +exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome +vapours. And, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and +female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the +daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine, +pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in +this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very +copious of and abundant in seed. There is likewise in it a female, which +hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no +purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least +comparable to that of the male. It hath also a larger leaf, and much +softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a +height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the +swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers +begin to be a little hoarse. + + + +Chapter 3.L. + +How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought. + +The herb Pantagruelion, in September, under the autumnal equinox, is +dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the +people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth. The first +instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil +the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and +mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little +for five days together (Properly--'lake water, which is to be made +stagnant, not current, for five days together.'--M.) if the season be dry +and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if the weather be +cloudish and the water cold. Then must it be parched before the sun till +it be drained of its moisture. After this it is in the shadow, where the +sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off. Then are the fibres +and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have already said, +consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and severed from the +woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other +use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to kindle the fire, and for +the play, pastime, and disport of little children, to blow up hogs' +bladders and make them rattle. Many times some use is made thereof by +tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills and pipes, +through which they with their liquor-attractive breath suck up the new +dainty wine from the bung of the barrel. Some modern Pantagruelists, to +shun and avoid that manual labour which such a separating and partitional +work would of necessity require, employ certain cataractic instruments, +composed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish, and +angry Juno did hold the fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched +together when she would have hindered the childbirth delivery of Alcmena at +the nativity of Hercules; and athwart those cataracts they break and bruise +to very trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the fibres, +which are the precious and excellent parts. In and with this sole +operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the +received opinion of the whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to all +philosophers, gain their livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling. But +those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it according to its +value, for their own greater profit do the very same which is told us of +the recreation of the three fatal sister Parcae, or of the nocturnal +exercise of the noble Circe, or yet of the excuse which Penelope made to +her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate courtiers during the long absence +of her husband Ulysses. + +By these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable +virtues, whereof I will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing +impossible to do. I have already interpreted and exposed before you the +denomination thereof. I find that plants have their names given and +bestowed upon them after several ways. Some got the name of him who first +found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified +them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences +they were fit for, as the Mercuriale from Mercury; Panacea from Panace, the +daughter of Aesculapius; Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatoria from +the king Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbium from Euphorbus, King +Juba's physician; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades; +Gentiane from Gentius, King of Sclavonia, and so forth, through a great +many other herbs or plants. Truly, in ancient times this prerogative of +imposing the inventor's name upon an herb found out by him was held in a so +great account and estimation, that, as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune +and Pallas from which of them two that land should receive its denomination +which had been equally found out by them both together--though thereafter +it was called and had the appellation of Athens, from Athene, which is +Minerva--just so would Lynceus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain +the young Triptolemus, whom Ceres had sent to show unto mankind the +invention of corn, which until then had been utterly unknown, to the end +that, after the murder of the messenger, whose death he made account to +have kept secret, he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion of false +dealing, his own name upon the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an +immortal honour and glory for having been the inventor of a grain so +profitable and necessary to and for the use of human life. For the +wickedness of which treasonable attempt he was by Ceres transformed into +that wild beast which by some is called a lynx and by others an ounce. +Such also was the ambition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth +by that very sharp wars and of a long continuance have been made of old +betwixt some residentiary kings in Cappadocia upon this only debate, of +whose name a certain herb should have the appellation; by reason of which +difference, so troublesome and expensive to them all, it was by them called +Polemonion, and by us for the same cause termed Make-bate. + +Other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries +from whence they were transported, as the Median apples from Media, where +they first grew; Punic apples from Punicia, that is to say, Carthage; +Ligusticum, which we call lovage, from Liguria, the coast of Genoa; Rhubarb +from a flood in Barbary, as Ammianus attesteth, called Ru; Santonica from a +region of that name; Fenugreek from Greece; Gastanes from a country so +called; Persicaria from Persia; Sabine from a territory of that +appellation; Staechas from the Staechad Islands; Spica Celtica from the +land of the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which were +tedious to enumerate. Some others, again, have obtained their +denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as Absinth, because it +is contrary to Psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking; +Holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no +frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature than +it. + +There are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their +virtues and operations, as Aristolochia, because it helpeth women in +childbirth; Lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; Mallow, +because it mollifieth; Callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a bright +colour; Alyssum, Ephemerum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban (Henbane), and so +forth through many more. + +Other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable +qualities that are found to be in them, as Heliotropium, which is the +marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it +displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his +declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton, +because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should +let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture +nor humidity; Hierachia, Eringium, and so throughout a great many more. +There are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very +same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and transformed +in them, as from Daphne the laurel is called also Daphne; Myrrh from +Myrrha, the daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara, which is the +artichoke, from one of that name; Narcissus, with Saffron, Smilax, and +divers others. + +Many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem to +have some resemblance to; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a +horse's tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail of +a fox; Psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; Delphinium, for that it +is like a dolphin fish; Bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an +ox's tongue; Iris, so called because in its flowers it hath some +resemblance of the rainbow; Myosota, because it is like the ear of a mouse; +Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow's foot. A great many +other such there are, which here to recite were needless. Furthermore, as +there are herbs and plants which have had their names from those of men, so +by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames of many families taken their +origin from them, as the Fabii, a fabis, beans; the Pisons, a pisis, peas; +the Lentuli from lentils; the Cicerons; a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of +pulse called chickpease, and so forth. In some plants and herbs the +resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher mark or object, as +when we say Venus' navel, Venus' hair, Venus' tub, Jupiter's beard, +Jupiter's eye, Mars' blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury's fingers, which are +all of them names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like +appellation. Others, again, have received their denomination from their +forms, such as the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Pentaphylon, for +having five leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground; +Helxine, Petast, Myrobalon, which the Arabians called Been, as if you would +say an acorn, for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very +oily. + + + +Chapter 3.LI. + +Why it is called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof. + +By such-like means of attaining to a denomination--the fabulous ways being +only from thence excepted, for the Lord forbid that we should make use of +any fables in this a so veritable history--is this herb called +Pantagruelion, for Pantagruel was the inventor thereof. I do not say of +the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding +odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more contrarious +and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the flax, the +cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches +to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch to the lentil +pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, the +water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars of the +college of Navarre in Paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to the +loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, willow-grain +to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolfsbane +to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hemlock to +goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees. For we have seen many of +those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, finish their +lives short and long, after the manner of Phyllis, Queen of Thracia, of +Bonosus, Emperor of Rome, of Amata, King Latinus's wife, of Iphis, +Autolycus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius, King of Lydia, and many +thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster therein, +that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in their bodies, by a +touch only of the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden to have the passage +obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont to bolt so many jolly +sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cleverly than +ever could have done the squinancy. + +Others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when +Atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that Pantagruel held +them by the gorge. But, well-a-day, it was not Pantagruel; he never was an +executioner. It was the Pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an +halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat. In that, verily, +they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a +trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing +invented, as when Ceres is taken for bread, and Bacchus put instead of +wine. I swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue +out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full +of fountain water, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched any man by the +throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective +of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come. + +It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude. For Pantagruel, at the +very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long +whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy +that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were busiest +in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when Icarus's dog, +with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh the whole world +Troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide themselves in dens and +subterranean caves. It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of the +notable and singular qualities, virtues, and properties thereof. For as +Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and exemplary of all +jovial perfection and accomplishment--in the truth whereof I believe there +is none of you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any question--so in this +Pantagruelion have I found so much efficacy and energy, so much +completeness and excellency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and so many +admirable effects and operations of a transcendent nature, that if the +worth and virtue thereof had been known when those trees, by the relation +of the prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule and govern over +them, it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the +plurality of votes and suffrages. + +Shall I yet say more? If Oxylus, the son of Orius, had begotten this plant +upon his sister Hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and +perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned +by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their +names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance. The eldest +child was a daughter, whose name was Vine; the next born was a boy, and his +name was Fig-tree; the third was called Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; the +fifth Sorbapple-tree; the sixth Ash; the seventh Poplar, and the last had +the name of Elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time. I shall forbear +to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and distilled within +the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner of putrefaction +cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any whatsoever +other animal that shall have entered in thereat. If, likewise, you put a +little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full of water, you shall +see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith as if it were +milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water thus curded is a +present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their +own flanks. The root thereof well boiled mollifieth the joints, softeneth +the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable to the nerves, +and good against all cramps and convulsions, as likewise all cold and +knotty gouts. If you would speedily heal a burning, whether occasioned by +water or fire, apply thereto a little raw Pantagruelion, that is to say, +take it so as it cometh out of the ground, without bestowing any other +preparation or composition upon it; but have a special care to change it +for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you shall find it waxing dry +upon the sore. + +Without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms +abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and +sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also, +how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and +the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or +pleasure to the reposers in them. Without it millers could neither carry +wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to +bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever. +Without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers' clients be brought +to the bar? Seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the +workhouse without it. Without it, how should the water be got out of a +draw-well? In what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of +counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like +persons be without it? Were it not for it, what would become of the +toll-rates and rent-rolls? Would not the noble art of printing perish +without it? Whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made? How should +the bells be rung? The altars of Isis are adorned therewith, the +Pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human +nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in +and into this world. All the lanific trees of Seres, the bumbast and cotton +bushes in the territories near the Persian Sea and Gulf of Bengala, the +Arabian swans, together with the plants of Malta, do not all the them +clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone. +Soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in +former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins. It overshadows the +theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun. It begirdeth +and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for the +pleasure of hunters. It descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea and +river-waters for the profit of fishers. By it are boots of all sizes, +buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every +cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man. By it the butt +and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made fixed. +And, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and reverenced +by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies of deceased +men are never buried without it. + +I will proceed yet further. By the means of this fine herb the invisible +substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and +prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols. Heavy and ponderous +weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and +every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and +emolument of humankind. When I perpend with myself these and such-like +marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how +the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past +ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable +utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour which without it +they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations. By virtue thereof, +through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty +galleons, the large floats, the Chiliander, the Myriander ships launched +from their stations and set a-going at the pleasure and arbitrament of their +rulers, conders, and steersmen. By the help thereof those remote nations +whom nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to +have kept them still in abscondito and hidden from us, that the ways through +which their countries were to be reached unto were not only totally unknown, +but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now +arrived to us, and we to them. + +Those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of +feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and +notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through +the air. Taproban hath seen the heaths of Lapland, and both the Javas and +Riphaean mountains; wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the +Islanders drink of the flood Euphrates. By it the chill-mouthed Boreas +hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid Auster, and Eurus visited +the regions which Zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have +interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre +longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the +Periaecian people, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, Heteroscian, and Periscian +had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all the +climates. These strange exploits bred such astonishment to the celestial +intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they were on a +sudden all afraid. From which amazement, when they saw how, by means of +this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctic people looked upon the Antarctic, +scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid +zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, having both +poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to call a council +for their own safety and preservation. + +The Olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of +such achievements, said: Pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and +put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits' end by this sole herb of his +than did of old the Aloidae by overturning mountains. He very speedily is +to be married, and shall have many children by his wife. It lies not in +our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through the hands and +spindles of the Fatal Sisters, necessity's inexorable daughters. Who knows +but by his sons may be found out an herb of such another virtue and +prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using it aright according +to their father's skill, they may contrive a way for humankind to pierce +into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead of the hail, take +an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut and open as they please the +sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of the rain; then, prosecuting +their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto the lightning workhouse and +shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, where, seizing on the magazine +of heaven and storehouse of our warlike fire-munition, they may discharge a +bouncing peal or two of thundering ordnance for joy of their arrival to +these new supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn +the whole force of that artillery against ourselves wherein we most +confided. Then is it like they will set forward to invade the territories +of the Moon, whence, passing through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will +serve them for a torch, to show the way from Mars to Jupiter and Saturn. +We shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor +put a stoppage to their entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or +mansions of the spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay +in, to travel through for their recreation. All the celestial signs +together, with the constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at +their devotion then. Some will take up their lodging at the Ram, some at +the Bull, and others at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Lion Inn, +and others at the sign of the Virgin; some at the Balance, others at the +Scorpion, and others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be +harboured at the Goat, some at the Water-pourer's sign, some at the Fishes; +some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and +the Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great, +some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of the +whole twinkling asteristic welkin. There will be sojourners come from the +earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own +skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the Galaxy, will set +themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and +take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest +goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified. A junto hereupon +being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so +dreadful danger, Jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes +of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst +themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then +resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary +assaults. + + + +Chapter 3.LII. + +How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not +able to consume it. + +I have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you might +be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other divinity of +this sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you. Believe it, +if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, I care not which of them you do, +they are both alike to me. It shall be sufficient for my purpose to have +told you the truth, and the truth I will tell you. But to enter in +thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, this is +the question which I ask of you. If I had put within this bottle two +pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly +mingled together, how would you unmix them? After what manner would you go +about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such +sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine +also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them +in the same measure, quantity, and taste that I had embottled them? Or, to +state the question otherwise. If your carmen and mariners, entrusted for +the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable +number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of Graves wine, or +of the wine of Orleans, Beaune, and Mireveaux, should drink out the half, +and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the vessels as +full as before, as the Limosins use to do in their carriages by wains and +carts of the wines of Argenton and Sangaultier; after that, how would you +part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a case? I +understand you well enough. Your meaning is, that I must do it with an ivy +funnel. That is written, it is true, and the verity thereof explored by a +thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat before, I see it. +But those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like, +would hardly believe that it were possible. Let us nevertheless proceed. + +But put the case, we were now living in the age of Sylla, Marius, Caesar, +and other such Roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient +Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their +parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders of +your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as +Artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband Mausolus; or otherwise, +that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary +pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those other +cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary fire hath +been converted? Answer, if you can. By my figgins, I believe it will +trouble you so to do. + +Well, I will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial +Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and +after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely +as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the +folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how +great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this +Pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, and +the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall +neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one atom +of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing conflagration +of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken +out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put +it in at first. Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is as much to say +as incombustible. Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia, as +likewise in the climate Dia Sienes, at very easy rates. O how rare and +admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, consumeth, and +destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and whiten this +sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston! If you mistrust the verity of this +relation, and demand for further confirmation of my assertion a visible +sign, as the Jews and such incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh +egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within this divine +Pantagruelion. When it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of a +fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as +you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, find the +egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any alteration, change, +mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagruelion. For +less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken down, and +amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny farthing, you are +able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof. + +Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a +more eminent comparison the Salamander. That is a fib; for, albeit a +little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers, +gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may I warrantably enough +assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other +animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed. +We have seen the experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago hath clearly +demonstrated and confirmed it, Lib. 3, De temperamentis, and Dioscorides +maintaineth the same doctrine, Lib. 2. Do not here instance in competition +with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of Pyraeus, +which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that Archelaus, +governor of the town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had plastered it all +over on the outside with the said alum. Nor would I have you to compare +therewith the herb which Alexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said that it +had some resemblance with that oak which bears the mistletoe, and that it +could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by fire nor +by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was built, said he, the so +renowned ship Argos. Search where you please for those that will believe +it. I in that point desire to be excused. Neither would I wish you to +parallel therewith--although I cannot deny but that it is of a very +marvellous nature--that sort of tree which groweth alongst the mountains of +Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out of his root the good agaric. From +its body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent rosin, that Galen hath been +bold to equal it to the turpentine. Upon the delicate leaves thereof it +retaineth for our use that sweet heavenly honey which is called the manna, +and, although it be of a gummy, oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is, +notwithstanding, unconsumable by any fire. It is in Greek and Latin called +Larix. The Alpinese name is Melze. The Antenorides and Venetians term it +Larege; which gave occasion to that castle in Piedmont to receive the +denomination of Larignum, by putting Julius Caesar to a stand at his return +from amongst the Gauls. + +Julius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants +in, near unto, and about the Alps and Piedmont, to bring all manner of +victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the military +road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching soldiery. +To which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were +within the garrison of Larignum, who, trusting in the natural strength of +the place, would not pay their contribution. The emperor, purposing to +chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to march straight +towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a tower built of +huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound together with pins +and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after +the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to +such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet above the +portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and drive away +such as should approach thereto. + +When Caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the +castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter +to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the +approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins, +faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the +heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was +thereupon incontinently done. The fire put amidst the faggots was so great +and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine +the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished. +Nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame +ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower +appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever. Caesar, after a serious +consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the +distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with ditches +and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the Larignans understood, +they rendered themselves upon terms. And then by a relation from them it +was that Caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of this wood, which +of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, therefore, in +regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have been admitted into +this rank and degree of a true Pantagruelional plant; and that so much the +rather, for that Pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports, +windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, cans, (cants?) and other +whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of Theleme, should be all +materiated of this kind of timber. He likewise caused to cover therewith +the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and +walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, foists, +frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers, +and other vessels of his Thalassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or +timber of the larch-tree, being put within a large and ample furnace full +of huge vehemently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and +kinds of wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and +destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln. But this Pantagruelion Asbeston +is rather by the fire renewed and cleansed than by the flames thereof +consumed or changed. Therefore, + + Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans, + Sing not, in hymns and Io Paeans, + Your incense, myrrh, or ebony. + Come here, a nobler plant to see, + And carry home, at any rate, + Some seed, that you may propagate. + If in your soil it takes, to heaven + A thousand thousand thanks be given; + And say with France, it goodly goes, + Where the Pantagruelion grows. + +END OF BOOK III + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book III. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, *** + +***** This file should be named 8168.txt or 8168.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/6/8168/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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