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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/8166-h.zip b/8166-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d803549 --- /dev/null +++ b/8166-h.zip diff --git a/8166-h/8166-h.htm b/8166-h/8166-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7675d57 --- /dev/null +++ b/8166-h/8166-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7456 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<title>Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:15%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97% } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%;margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE {margin-left: 15%; font-size: 84%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + +<h2>Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I</h2> +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I., by Francois Rabelais + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8166] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK I. *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1> + MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS +</h1><br><br> +<h2> + FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, <br><br>HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF</h2> +<br><br> + <h1>GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL</h1><br><br> + + <h2>BOOK I.</h2><br><br> + +<a name="image-0001"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" height="887" width="568" +alt="He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br> +<a name="image-0002"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1023" width="632" +alt="Titlepage +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br><br><br> +<h3> + Translated into English by +<br> + Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + +<br> + and +<br> + Peter Antony Motteux +</h3> +<a name="2H_4_0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> + The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the + first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' + are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the + translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in + 1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. + Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as + the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from + the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. +</p> +</blockquote></blockquote> +<br><br> +<a name="image-0003"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait2.jpg" height="435" width="540" +alt="Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<br><br> + + + +<hr> +<h2> +CONTENTS. +</h2> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_INTR"> +Introduction. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0003"> +FRANCIS RABELAIS. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0001"> +Chapter 1.I.—Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0002"> +Chapter 1.II.—-The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found in an ancient Monument. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0003"> +Chapter 1.III.—How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0004"> +Chapter 1.IV.—-How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0005"> +Chapter 1.V.—The Discourse of the Drinkers. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0006"> +Chapter 1.VI.—How Gargantua was born in a strange manner. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0007"> +Chapter 1.VII.—After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0008"> +Chapter 1.VIII.—How they apparelled Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0009"> +Chapter 1.IX.—The colours and liveries of Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0010"> +Chapter 1.X.—Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0011"> +Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0012"> +Chapter 1.XII.—Of Gargantua's wooden horses. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0013"> +Chapter 1.XIII.—How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0014"> +Chapter 1.XIV.—How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0015"> +Chapter 1.XV.—How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0016"> +Chapter 1.XVI.—How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0017"> +Chapter 1.XVII.—How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great bells of Our Lady's Church. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0018"> +Chapter 1.XVIII.—How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0019"> +Chapter 1.XIX.—The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0020"> +Chapter 1.XX.—How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0021"> +Chapter 1.XXI.—The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters the Sophisters. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0022"> +Chapter 1.XXII.—The games of Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0023"> +Chapter 1.XXIII.—How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0024"> +Chapter 1.XXIV.—How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0025"> +Chapter 1.XXV.—How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0026"> +Chapter 1.XXVI.—How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0027"> +Chapter 1.XXVII.—How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0028"> +Chapter 1.XXVIII.—How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0029"> +Chapter 1.XXIX.—The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0030"> +Chapter 1.XXX.—How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0031"> +Chapter 1.XXXI.—The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0032"> +Chapter 1.XXXII.—How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0033"> +Chapter 1.XXXIII.—How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in extreme danger. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0034"> +Chapter 1.XXXIV.—How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country, and how Gymnast encountered with the enemy. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0035"> +Chapter 1.XXXV.—How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's men. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0036"> +Chapter 1.XXXVI.—How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they passed the ford. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0037"> +Chapter 1.XXXVII.—How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of his hair. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0038"> +Chapter 1.XXXVIII.—How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0039"> +Chapter 1.XXXIX.—How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0040"> +Chapter 1.XL.—Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0041"> +Chapter 1.XLI.—How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0042"> +Chapter 1.XLII.—How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a tree. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0043"> +Chapter 1.XLIII.—How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken prisoner by his enemies. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0044"> +Chapter 1.XLIV.—How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picrochole's forlorn hope was defeated. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0045"> +Chapter 1.XLV.—How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0046"> +Chapter 1.XLVI.—How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0047"> +Chapter 1.XLVII.—How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0048"> +Chapter 1.XLVIII.—How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0049"> +Chapter 1.XLIX.—How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0050"> +Chapter 1.L.—Gargantua's speech to the vanquished. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0051"> +Chapter 1.LI.—How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0052"> +Chapter 1.LII.—How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0053"> +Chapter 1.LIII.—How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0054"> +Chapter 1.LIV.—The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0055"> +Chapter 1.LV.—What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0056"> +Chapter 1.LVI.—How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0057"> +Chapter 1.LVII.—How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living. +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2HCH0058"> +Chapter 1.LVIII.—A prophetical Riddle. +</a></p> + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> + +<h2>List of Illustrations</h2> + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0001"> +He Did Cry Like a Cow—frontispiece +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0002"> +Titlepage +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0003"> +Rabelais Dissecting Society—portrait2 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0004"> +Francois Rabelais—portrait +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0005"> +Prologue1 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0006"> +All Stiff Drinkers—1-05-006 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0007"> +One of the Girls Brought Him Wine—1-07-018 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0008"> +On the Road to The Castle—1-11-026 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0009"> +Led Them up the Great Staircase—1-12-028 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0010"> +He Went to See the City—1-16-036 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0011"> +Gargantua Visiting the Shops—1-17-038 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0012"> +He Did Swim in Deep Waters—1-23-048 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0013"> +The Monks Knew Not—1-27-060 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0014"> +How Gargantua Passed the Ford—1-36-076 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0015"> +Valiant Champions on Their Adventure—1-42-086 +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#image-0016"> +I Hear the Enemy, Let Us Rally—1-43-088 +</a></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> + + + +<a name="image-0004"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/portrait.jpg" height="849" width="622" +alt="Francois Rabelais--portrait +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<a name="2H_INTR"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Introduction. +</h2> +<p> + Had Rabelais never written his strange and marvellous romance, no one would + ever have imagined the possibility of its production. It stands outside + other things—a mixture of mad mirth and gravity, of folly and reason, of + childishness and grandeur, of the commonplace and the out-of-the-way, of + popular verve and polished humanism, of mother-wit and learning, of + baseness and nobility, of personalities and broad generalization, of the + comic and the serious, of the impossible and the familiar. Throughout the + whole there is such a force of life and thought, such a power of good + sense, a kind of assurance so authoritative, that he takes rank with the + greatest; and his peers are not many. You may like him or not, may attack + him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him. He is of those that + die hard. Be as fastidious as you will; make up your mind to recognize + only those who are, without any manner of doubt, beyond and above all + others; however few the names you keep, Rabelais' will always remain. +</p> +<p> + We may know his work, may know it well, and admire it more every time we + read it. After being amused by it, after having enjoyed it, we may return + again to study it and to enter more fully into its meaning. Yet there is + no possibility of knowing his own life in the same fashion. In spite of + all the efforts, often successful, that have been made to throw light on + it, to bring forward a fresh document, or some obscure mention in a + forgotten book, to add some little fact, to fix a date more precisely, it + remains nevertheless full of uncertainty and of gaps. Besides, it has been + burdened and sullied by all kinds of wearisome stories and foolish + anecdotes, so that really there is more to weed out than to add. +</p> +<p> + This injustice, at first wilful, had its rise in the sixteenth century, in + the furious attacks of a monk of Fontevrault, Gabriel de Puy-Herbault, who + seems to have drawn his conclusions concerning the author from the book, + and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph of Ronsard, + piqued, it is said, that the Guises had given him only a little pavillon in + the Forest of Meudon, whereas the presbytery was close to the chateau. + From that time legend has fastened on Rabelais, has completely travestied + him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a + vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard. +</p> +<p> + The likeness of his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis. He has + been credited with a full moon of a face, the rubicund nose of an + incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips always apart because always + laughing. The picture would have surprised his friends no less than + himself. There have been portraits painted of Rabelais; I have seen many + such. They are all of the seventeenth century, and the greater number are + conceived in this jovial and popular style. +</p> +<p> + As a matter of fact there is only one portrait of him that counts, that has + more than the merest chance of being authentic, the one in the Chronologie + collee or coupee. Under this double name is known and cited a large sheet + divided by lines and cross lines into little squares, containing about a + hundred heads of illustrious Frenchmen. This sheet was stuck on pasteboard + for hanging on the wall, and was cut in little pieces, so that the + portraits might be sold separately. The majority of the portraits are of + known persons and can therefore be verified. Now it can be seen that these + have been selected with care, and taken from the most authentic sources; + from statues, busts, medals, even stained glass, for the persons of most + distinction, from earlier engravings for the others. Moreover, those of + which no other copies exist, and which are therefore the most valuable, + have each an individuality very distinct, in the features, the hair, the + beard, as well as in the costume. Not one of them is like another. There + has been no tampering with them, no forgery. On the contrary, there is in + each a difference, a very marked personality. Leonard Gaultier, who + published this engraving towards the end of the sixteenth century, + reproduced a great many portraits besides from chalk drawings, in the style + of his master, Thomas de Leu. It must have been such drawings that were + the originals of those portraits which he alone has issued, and which may + therefore be as authentic and reliable as the others whose correctness we + are in a position to verify. +</p> +<p> + Now Rabelais has here nothing of the Roger Bontemps of low degree about + him. His features are strong, vigorously cut, and furrowed with deep + wrinkles; his beard is short and scanty; his cheeks are thin and already + worn-looking. On his head he wears the square cap of the doctors and the + clerks, and his dominant expression, somewhat rigid and severe, is that of + a physician and a scholar. And this is the only portrait to which we need + attach any importance. +</p> +<p> + This is not the place for a detailed biography, nor for an exhaustive + study. At most this introduction will serve as a framework on which to fix + a few certain dates, to hang some general observations. The date of + Rabelais' birth is very doubtful. For long it was placed as far back as + 1483: now scholars are disposed to put it forward to about 1495. The + reason, a good one, is that all those whom he has mentioned as his friends, + or in any real sense his contemporaries, were born at the very end of the + fifteenth century. And, indeed, it is in the references in his romance to + names, persons, and places, that the most certain and valuable evidence is + to be found of his intercourse, his patrons, his friendships, his + sojournings, and his travels: his own work is the best and richest mine in + which to search for the details of his life. +</p> +<p> + Like Descartes and Balzac, he was a native of Touraine, and Tours and + Chinon have only done their duty in each of them erecting in recent years a + statue to his honour, a twofold homage reflecting credit both on the + province and on the town. But the precise facts about his birth are + nevertheless vague. Huet speaks of the village of Benais, near Bourgeuil, + of whose vineyards Rabelais makes mention. As the little vineyard of La + Deviniere, near Chinon, and familiar to all his readers, is supposed to + have belonged to his father, Thomas Rabelais, some would have him born + there. It is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that Chinon was + his native town; Chinon, whose praises he sang with such heartiness and + affection. There he might well have been born in the Lamproie house, which + belonged to his father, who, to judge from this circumstance, must have + been in easy circumstances, with the position of a well-to-do citizen. As + La Lamproie in the seventeenth century was a hostelry, the father of + Rabelais has been set down as an innkeeper. More probably he was an + apothecary, which would fit in with the medical profession adopted by his + son in after years. Rabelais had brothers, all older than himself. + Perhaps because he was the youngest, his father destined him for the + Church. +</p> +<p> + The time he spent while a child with the Benedictine monks at Seuille is + uncertain. There he might have made the acquaintance of the prototype of + his Friar John, a brother of the name of Buinart, afterwards Prior of + Sermaize. He was longer at the Abbey of the Cordeliers at La Baumette, + half a mile from Angers, where he became a novice. As the brothers Du + Bellay, who were later his Maecenases, were then studying at the University + of Angers, where it is certain he was not a student, it is doubtless from + this youthful period that his acquaintance and alliance with them should + date. Voluntarily, or induced by his family, Rabelais now embraced the + ecclesiastical profession, and entered the monastery of the Franciscan + Cordeliers at Fontenay-le-Comte, in Lower Poitou, which was honoured by his + long sojourn at the vital period of his life when his powers were ripening. + There it was he began to study and to think, and there also began his + troubles. +</p> +<p> + In spite of the wide-spread ignorance among the monks of that age, the + encyclopaedic movement of the Renaissance was attracting all the lofty + minds. Rabelais threw himself into it with enthusiasm, and Latin antiquity + was not enough for him. Greek, a study discountenanced by the Church, + which looked on it as dangerous and tending to freethought and heresy, took + possession of him. To it he owed the warm friendship of Pierre Amy and of + the celebrated Guillaume Bude. In fact, the Greek letters of the latter + are the best source of information concerning this period of Rabelais' + life. It was at Fontenay-le-Comte also that he became acquainted with the + Brissons and the great jurist Andre Tiraqueau, whom he never mentions but + with admiration and deep affection. Tiraqueau's treatise, De legibus + connubialibus, published for the first time in 1513, has an important + bearing on the life of Rabelais. There we learn that, dissatisfied with + the incomplete translation of Herodotus by Laurent Valla, Rabelais had + retranslated into Latin the first book of the History. That translation + unfortunately is lost, as so many other of his scattered works. It is + probably in this direction that the hazard of fortune has most discoveries + and surprises in store for the lucky searcher. Moreover, as in this law + treatise Tiraqueau attacked women in a merciless fashion, President Amaury + Bouchard published in 1522 a book in their defence, and Rabelais, who was a + friend of both the antagonists, took the side of Tiraqueau. It should be + observed also in passing, that there are several pages of such audacious + plain-speaking, that Rabelais, though he did not copy these in his Marriage + of Panurge, has there been, in his own fashion, as out spoken as Tiraqueau. + If such freedom of language could be permitted in a grave treatise of law, + similar liberties were certainly, in the same century, more natural in a + book which was meant to amuse. +</p> +<p> + The great reproach always brought against Rabelais is not the want of + reserve of his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness, + which is enough to spoil his whole work, and which lowers its value. La + Bruyere, in the chapter Des ouvrages de l'esprit, not in the first edition + of the Caracteres, but in the fifth, that is to say in 1690, at the end of + the great century, gives us on this subject his own opinion and that of his + age: +</p> +<p> + 'Marot and Rabelais are inexcusable in their habit of scattering filth + about their writings. Both of them had genius enough and wit enough to do + without any such expedient, even for the amusement of those persons who + look more to the laugh to be got out of a book than to what is admirable in + it. Rabelais especially is incomprehensible. His book is an enigma,—one + may say inexplicable. It is a Chimera; it is like the face of a lovely + woman with the feet and the tail of a reptile, or of some creature still + more loathsome. It is a monstrous confusion of fine and rare morality with + filthy corruption. Where it is bad, it goes beyond the worst; it is the + delight of the basest of men. Where it is good, it reaches the exquisite, + the very best; it ministers to the most delicate tastes.' +</p> +<p> + Putting aside the rather slight connection established between two men of + whom one is of very little importance compared with the other, this is + otherwise very admirably said, and the judgment is a very just one, except + with regard to one point—the misunderstanding of the atmosphere in which + the book was created, and the ignoring of the examples of a similar + tendency furnished by literature as well as by the popular taste. Was it + not the Ancients that began it? Aristophanes, Catullus, Petronius, + Martial, flew in the face of decency in their ideas as well as in the words + they used, and they dragged after them in this direction not a few of the + Latin poets of the Renaissance, who believed themselves bound to imitate + them. Is Italy without fault in this respect? Her story-tellers in prose + lie open to easy accusation. Her Capitoli in verse go to incredible + lengths; and the astonishing success of Aretino must not be forgotten, nor + the licence of the whole Italian comic theatre of the sixteenth century. + The Calandra of Bibbiena, who was afterwards a Cardinal, and the Mandragola + of Machiavelli, are evidence enough, and these were played before Popes, + who were not a whit embarrassed. Even in England the drama went very far + for a time, and the comic authors of the reign of Charles II., evidently + from a reaction, and to shake off the excess and the wearisomeness of + Puritan prudery and affectation, which sent them to the opposite extreme, + are not exactly noted for their reserve. But we need not go beyond France. + Slight indications, very easily verified, are all that may be set down + here; a formal and detailed proof would be altogether too dangerous. +</p> +<p> + Thus, for instance, the old Fabliaux—the Farces of the fifteenth century, + the story-tellers of the sixteenth—reveal one of the sides, one of the + veins, so to speak, of our literature. The art that addresses itself to + the eye had likewise its share of this coarseness. Think of the sculptures + on the capitals and the modillions of churches, and the crude frankness of + certain painted windows of the fifteenth century. Queen Anne was, without + any doubt, one of the most virtuous women in the world. Yet she used to go + up the staircase of her chateau at Blois, and her eyes were not offended at + seeing at the foot of a bracket a not very decent carving of a monk and a + nun. Neither did she tear out of her book of Hours the large miniature of + the winter month, in which, careless of her neighbours' eyes, the mistress + of the house, sitting before her great fireplace, warms herself in a + fashion which it is not advisable that dames of our age should imitate. + The statue of Cybele by the Tribolo, executed for Francis I., and placed, + not against a wall, but in the middle of Queen Claude's chamber at + Fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute which would have been more in + place on a statue of Priapus, and which was the symbol of generativeness. + The tone of the conversations was ordinarily of a surprising coarseness, + and the Precieuses, in spite of their absurdities, did a very good work in + setting themselves in opposition to it. The worthy Chevalier de + La-Tour-Landry, in his Instructions to his own daughters, without a thought + of harm, gives examples which are singular indeed, and in Caxton's + translation these are not omitted. The Adevineaux Amoureux, printed at + Bruges by Colard Mansion, are astonishing indeed when one considers that + they were the little society diversions of the Duchesses of Burgundy and of + the great ladies of a court more luxurious and more refined than the French + court, which revelled in the Cent Nouvelles of good King Louis XI. + Rabelais' pleasantry about the woman folle a la messe is exactly in the + style of the Adevineaux. +</p> +<p> + A later work than any of his, the Novelle of Bandello, should be kept in + mind—for the writer was Bishop of Agen, and his work was translated into + French—as also the Dames Galantes of Brantome. Read the Journal of + Heroard, that honest doctor, who day by day wrote down the details + concerning the health of Louis XIII. from his birth, and you will + understand the tone of the conversation of Henry IV. The jokes at a + country wedding are trifles compared with this royal coarseness. Le Moyen + de Parvenir is nothing but a tissue and a mass of filth, and the too + celebrated Cabinet Satyrique proves what, under Louis XIII., could be + written, printed, and read. The collection of songs formed by Clairambault + shows that the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were no purer than the + sixteenth. Some of the most ribald songs are actually the work of + Princesses of the royal House. +</p> +<p> + It is, therefore, altogether unjust to make Rabelais the scapegoat, to + charge him alone with the sins of everybody else. He spoke as those of his + time used to speak; when amusing them he used their language to make + himself understood, and to slip in his asides, which without this sauce + would never have been accepted, would have found neither eyes nor ears. + Let us blame not him, therefore, but the manners of his time. +</p> +<p> + Besides, his gaiety, however coarse it may appear to us—and how rare a + thing is gaiety!—has, after all, nothing unwholesome about it; and this is + too often overlooked. Where does he tempt one to stray from duty? Where, + even indirectly, does he give pernicious advice? Whom has he led to evil + ways? Does he ever inspire feelings that breed misconduct and vice, or is + he ever the apologist of these? Many poets and romance writers, under + cover of a fastidious style, without one coarse expression, have been + really and actively hurtful; and of that it is impossible to accuse + Rabelais. Women in particular quickly revolt from him, and turn away + repulsed at once by the archaic form of the language and by the + outspokenness of the words. But if he be read aloud to them, omitting the + rougher parts and modernizing the pronunciation, it will be seen that they + too are impressed by his lively wit as by the loftiness of his thought. It + would be possible, too, to extract, for young persons, without + modification, admirable passages of incomparable force. But those who have + brought out expurgated editions of him, or who have thought to improve him + by trying to rewrite him in modern French, have been fools for their pains, + and their insulting attempts have had, and always will have, the success + they deserve. +</p> +<p> + His dedications prove to what extent his whole work was accepted. Not to + speak of his epistolary relations with Bude, with the Cardinal d'Armagnac + and with Pellissier, the ambassador of Francis I. and Bishop of Maguelonne, + or of his dedication to Tiraqueau of his Lyons edition of the Epistolae + Medicinales of Giovanni Manardi of Ferrara, of the one addressed to the + President Amaury Bouchard of the two legal texts which he believed antique, + there is still the evidence of his other and more important dedications. + In 1532 he dedicated his Hippocrates and his Galen to Geoffroy d'Estissac, + Bishop of Maillezais, to whom in 1535 and 1536 he addressed from Rome the + three news letters, which alone have been preserved; and in 1534 he + dedicated from Lyons his edition of the Latin book of Marliani on the + topography of Rome to Jean du Bellay (at that time Bishop of Paris) who was + raised to the Cardinalate in 1535. Beside these dedications we must set + the privilege of Francis I. of September, 1545, and the new privilege + granted by Henry II. on August 6th, 1550, Cardinal de Chatillon present, + for the third book, which was dedicated, in an eight-lined stanza, to the + Spirit of the Queen of Navarre. These privileges, from the praises and + eulogies they express in terms very personal and very exceptional, are as + important in Rabelais' life as were, in connection with other matters, the + Apostolic Pastorals in his favour. Of course, in these the popes had not + to introduce his books of diversions, which, nevertheless, would have + seemed in their eyes but very venial sins. The Sciomachie of 1549, an + account of the festivities arranged at Rome by Cardinal du Bellay in honour + of the birth of the second son of Henry II., was addressed to Cardinal de + Guise, and in 1552 the fourth book was dedicated, in a new prologue, to + Cardinal de Chatillon, the brother of Admiral de Coligny. +</p> +<p> + These are no unknown or insignificant personages, but the greatest lords + and princes of the Church. They loved and admired and protected Rabelais, + and put no restrictions in his way. Why should we be more fastidious and + severe than they were? Their high contemporary appreciation gives much + food for thought. +</p> +<p> + There are few translations of Rabelais in foreign tongues; and certainly + the task is no light one, and demands more than a familiarity with ordinary + French. It would have been easier in Italy than anywhere else. Italian, + from its flexibility and its analogy to French, would have lent itself + admirably to the purpose; the instrument was ready, but the hand was not + forthcoming. Neither is there any Spanish translation, a fact which can be + more easily understood. The Inquisition would have been a far more serious + opponent than the Paris' Sorbonne, and no one ventured on the experiment. + Yet Rabelais forces comparison with Cervantes, whose precursor he was in + reality, though the two books and the two minds are very different. They + have only one point in common, their attack and ridicule of the romances of + chivalry and of the wildly improbable adventures of knight-errants. But in + Don Quixote there is not a single detail which would suggest that Cervantes + knew Rabelais' book or owed anything to it whatsoever, even the + starting-point of his subject. Perhaps it was better he should not have + been influenced by him, in however slight a degree; his originality is the + more intact and the more genial. +</p> +<p> + On the other hand, Rabelais has been several times translated into German. + In the present century Regis published at Leipsic, from 1831 to 1841, with + copious notes, a close and faithful translation. The first one cannot be + so described, that of Johann Fischart, a native of Mainz or Strasburg, who + died in 1614. He was a Protestant controversialist, and a satirist of + fantastic and abundant imagination. In 1575 appeared his translation of + Rabelais' first book, and in 1590 he published the comic catalogue of the + library of Saint Victor, borrowed from the second book. It is not a + translation, but a recast in the boldest style, full of alterations and of + exaggerations, both as regards the coarse expressions which he took upon + himself to develop and to add to, and in the attacks on the Roman Catholic + Church. According to Jean Paul Richter, Fischart is much superior to + Rabelais in style and in the fruitfulness of his ideas, and his equal in + erudition and in the invention of new expressions after the manner of + Aristophanes. He is sure that his work was successful, because it was + often reprinted during his lifetime; but this enthusiasm of Jean Paul would + hardly carry conviction in France. Who treads in another's footprints must + follow in the rear. Instead of a creator, he is but an imitator. Those + who take the ideas of others to modify them, and make of them creations of + their own, like Shakespeare in England, Moliere and La Fontaine in France, + may be superior to those who have served them with suggestions; but then + the new works must be altogether different, must exist by themselves. + Shakespeare and the others, when they imitated, may be said always to have + destroyed their models. These copyists, if we call them so, created such + works of genius that the only pity is they are so rare. This is not the + case with Fischart, but it would be none the less curious were some one + thoroughly familiar with German to translate Fischart for us, or at least, + by long extracts from him, give an idea of the vagaries of German taste + when it thought it could do better than Rabelais. It is dangerous to + tamper with so great a work, and he who does so runs a great risk of + burning his fingers. +</p> +<p> + England has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion have brought + her success. But, before speaking of Urquhart's translation, it is but + right to mention the English-French Dictionary of Randle Cotgrave, the + first edition of which dates from 1611. It is in every way exceedingly + valuable, and superior to that of Nicot, because instead of keeping to the + plane of classic and Latin French, it showed an acquaintance with and + mastery of the popular tongue as well as of the written and learned + language. As a foreigner, Cotgrave is a little behind in his information. + He is not aware of all the changes and novelties of the passing fashion. + The Pleiad School he evidently knew nothing of, but kept to the writers of + the fifteenth and the first half of the sixteenth century. Thus words out + of Rabelais, which he always translates with admirable skill, are frequent, + and he attaches to them their author's name. So Rabelais had already + crossed the Channel, and was read in his own tongue. Somewhat later, + during the full sway of the Commonwealth—and Maitre Alcofribas Nasier must + have been a surprising apparition in the midst of Puritan severity—Captain + Urquhart undertook to translate him and to naturalize him completely in + England. +</p> +<p> + Thomas Urquhart belonged to a very old family of good standing in the North + of Scotland. After studying in Aberdeen he travelled in France, Spain, and + Italy, where his sword was as active as that intelligent curiosity of his + which is evidenced by his familiarity with three languages and the large + library which he brought back, according to his own account, from sixteen + countries he had visited. +</p> +<p> + On his return to England he entered the service of Charles I., who knighted + him in 1641. Next year, after the death of his father, he went to Scotland + to set his family affairs in order, and to redeem his house in Cromarty. + But, in spite of another sojourn in foreign lands, his efforts to free + himself from pecuniary embarrassments were unavailing. At the king's death + his Scottish loyalty caused him to side with those who opposed the + Parliament. Formally proscribed in 1649, taken prisoner at the defeat of + Worcester in 1651, stripped of all his belongings, he was brought to + London, but was released on parole at Cromwell's recommendation. After + receiving permission to spend five months in Scotland to try once more to + settle his affairs, he came back to London to escape from his creditors. + And there he must have died, though the date of his death is unknown. It + probably took place after 1653, the date of the publication of the two + first books, and after having written the translation of the third, which + was not printed from his manuscript till the end of the seventeenth + century. +</p> +<p> + His life was therefore not without its troubles, and literary activity must + have been almost his only consolation. His writings reveal him as the + strangest character, fantastic, and full of a naive vanity, which, even at + the time he was translating the genealogy of Gargantua—surely well + calculated to cure any pondering on his own—caused him to trace his + unbroken descent from Adam, and to state that his family name was derived + from his ancestor Esormon, Prince of Achaia, 2139 B.C., who was surnamed + Ourochartos, that is to say the Fortunate and the Well-beloved. A Gascon + could not have surpassed this. +</p> +<p> + Gifted as he was, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic + mathematician, master of several languages, occasionally full of wit and + humour, and even good sense, yet he gave his books the strangest titles, + and his ideas were no less whimsical. His style is mystic, fastidious, and + too often of a wearisome length and obscurity; his verses rhyme anyhow, or + not at all; but vivacity, force and heat are never lacking, and the + Maitland Club did well in reprinting, in 1834, his various works, which are + very rare. Yet, in spite of their curious interest, he owes his real + distinction and the survival of his name to his translation of Rabelais. +</p> +<p> + The first two books appeared in 1653. The original edition, exceedingly + scarce, was carefully reprinted in 1838, only a hundred copies being + issued, by an English bibliophile T(heodore) M(artin), whose interesting + preface I regret to sum up so cursorily. At the end of the seventeenth + century, in 1693, a French refugee, Peter Antony Motteux, whose English + verses and whose plays are not without value, published in a little octavo + volume a reprint, very incorrect as to the text, of the first two books, to + which he added the third, from the manuscript found amongst Urquhart's + papers. The success which attended this venture suggested to Motteux the + idea of completing the work, and a second edition, in two volumes, appeared + in 1708, with the translation of the fourth and fifth books, and notes. + Nineteen years after his death, John Ozell, translator on a large scale of + French, Italian, and Spanish authors, revised Motteux's edition, which he + published in five volumes in 1737, adding Le Duchat's notes; and this + version has often been reprinted since. +</p> +<p> + The continuation by Motteux, who was also the translator of Don Quixote, + has merits of its own. It is precise, elegant, and very faithful. + Urquhart's, without taking liberties with Rabelais like Fischart, is not + always so closely literal and exact. Nevertheless, it is much superior to + Motteux's. If Urquhart does not constantly adhere to the form of the + expression, if he makes a few slight additions, not only has he an + understanding of the original, but he feels it, and renders the sense with + a force and a vivacity full of warmth and brilliancy. His own learning + made the comprehension of the work easy to him, and his anglicization of + words fabricated by Rabelais is particularly successful. The necessity of + keeping to his text prevented his indulgence in the convolutions and + divagations dictated by his exuberant fancy when writing on his own + account. His style, always full of life and vigour, is here balanced, + lucid, and picturesque. Never elsewhere did he write so well. And thus + the translation reproduces the very accent of the original, besides + possessing a very remarkable character of its own. Such a literary tone + and such literary qualities are rarely found in a translation. Urquhart's, + very useful for the interpretation of obscure passages, may, and indeed + should be read as a whole, both for Rabelais and for its own merits. +</p> +<p> + Holland, too, possesses a translation of Rabelais. They knew French in + that country in the seventeenth century better than they do to-day, and + there Rabelais' works were reprinted when no editions were appearing in + France. This Dutch translation was published at Amsterdam in 1682, by J. + Tenhoorn. The name attached to it, Claudio Gallitalo (Claudius + French-Italian) must certainly be a pseudonym. Only a Dutch scholar could + identify the translator, and state the value to be assigned to his work. +</p> +<p> + Rabelais' style has many different sources. Besides its force and + brilliancy, its gaiety, wit, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less + remarkable. It would be impossible and useless to compile a glossary of + Voltaire's words. No French writer has used so few, and all of them are of + the simplest. There is not one of them that is not part of the common + speech, or which demands a note or an explanation. Rabelais' vocabulary, + on the other hand, is of an astonishing variety. Where does it all come + from? As a fact, he had at his command something like three languages, + which he used in turn, or which he mixed according to the effect he wished + to produce. +</p> +<p> + First of all, of course, he had ready to his hand the whole speech of his + time, which had no secrets for him. Provincials have been too eager to + appropriate him, to make of him a local author, the pride of some village, + in order that their district might have the merit of being one of the + causes, one of the factors of his genius. Every neighbourhood where he + ever lived has declared that his distinction was due to his knowledge of + its popular speech. But these dialect-patriots have fallen out among + themselves. To which dialect was he indebted? Was it that of Touraine, or + Berri, or Poitou, or Paris? It is too often forgotten, in regard to French + patois—leaving out of count the languages of the South—that the words or + expressions that are no longer in use to-day are but a survival, a still + living trace of the tongue and the pronunciation of other days. Rabelais, + more than any other writer, took advantage of the happy chances and the + richness of the popular speech, but he wrote in French, and nothing but + French. That is why he remains so forcible, so lucid, and so living, more + living even—speaking only of his style out of charity to the others—than + any of his contemporaries. +</p> +<p> + It has been said that great French prose is solely the work of the + seventeenth century. There were nevertheless, before that, two men, + certainly very different and even hostile, who were its initiators and its + masters, Calvin on the one hand, on the other Rabelais. +</p> +<p> + Rabelais had a wonderful knowledge of the prose and the verse of the + fifteenth century: he was familiar with Villon, Pathelin, the Quinze Joies + de Mariage, the Cent Nouvelles, the chronicles and the romances, and even + earlier works, too, such as the Roman de la Rose. Their words, their turns + of expression came naturally to his pen, and added a piquancy and, as it + were, a kind of gloss of antique novelty to his work. He fabricated words, + too, on Greek and Latin models, with great ease, sometimes audaciously and + with needless frequency. These were for him so many means, so many + elements of variety. Sometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous + discourse of the Limousin scholar, for which he is not a little indebted to + Geoffroy Tory in the Champfleury; sometimes, on the contrary, seriously, + from a habit acquired in dealing with classical tongues. +</p> +<p> + Again, another reason of the richness of his vocabulary was that he + invented and forged words for himself. Following the example of + Aristophanes, he coined an enormous number of interminable words, droll + expressions, sudden and surprising constructions. What had made Greece and + the Athenians laugh was worth transporting to Paris. +</p> +<p> + With an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use + them, it is no wonder that he could give voice to anything, be as humorous + as he could be serious, as comic as he could be grave, that he could + express himself and everybody else, from the lowest to the highest. He had + every colour on his palette, and such skill was in his fingers that he + could depict every variety of light and shade. +</p> +<p> + We have evidence that Rabelais did not always write in the same fashion. + The Chronique Gargantuaine is uniform in style and quite simple, but cannot + with certainty be attributed to him. His letters are bombastic and thin; + his few attempts at verse are heavy, lumbering, and obscure, altogether + lacking in harmony, and quite as bad as those of his friend, Jean Bouchet. + He had no gift of poetic form, as indeed is evident even from his prose. + And his letters from Rome to the Bishop of Maillezais, interesting as they + are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, flat, and dry in style as + possible. Without his signature no one would possibly have thought of + attributing them to him. He is only a literary artist when he wishes to be + such; and in his romance he changes the style completely every other + moment: it has no constant character or uniform manner, and therefore + unity is almost entirely wanting in his work, while his endeavours after + contrast are unceasing. There is throughout the whole the evidence of + careful and conscious elaboration. +</p> +<p> + Hence, however lucid and free be the style of his romance, and though its + flexibility and ease seem at first sight to have cost no trouble at all, + yet its merit lies precisely in the fact that it succeeds in concealing the + toil, in hiding the seams. He could not have reached this perfection at a + first attempt. He must have worked long at the task, revised it again and + again, corrected much, and added rather than cut away. The aptness of form + and expression has been arrived at by deliberate means, and owes nothing to + chance. Apart from the toning down of certain bold passages, to soften + their effect, and appease the storm—for these were not literary + alterations, but were imposed on him by prudence—one can see how numerous + are the variations in his text, how necessary it is to take account of + them, and to collect them. A good edition, of course, would make no + attempt at amalgamating these. That would give a false impression and end + in confusion; but it should note them all, and show them all, not combined, + but simply as variations. +</p> +<p> + After Le Duchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be + lost, made the mistake of collecting and placing side by side things which + had no connection with each other, which had even been substituted for each + other. The result was a fabricated text, full of contradictions naturally. + But since the edition issued by M. Jannet, the well-known publisher of the + Bibliotheque Elzevirienne, who was the first to get rid of this patchwork, + this mosaic, Rabelais' latest text has been given, accompanied by all the + earlier variations, to show the changes he made, as well as his + suppressions and additions. It would also be possible to reverse the + method. It would be interesting to take his first text as the basis, + noting the later modifications. This would be quite as instructive and + really worth doing. Perhaps one might then see more clearly with what care + he made his revisions, after what fashion he corrected, and especially what + were the additions he made. +</p> +<p> + No more striking instance can be quoted than the admirable chapter about + the shipwreck. It was not always so long as Rabelais made it in the end: + it was much shorter at first. As a rule, when an author recasts some + passage that he wishes to revise, he does so by rewriting the whole, or at + least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak. Nothing of the + kind is seen here. Rabelais suppressed nothing, modified nothing; he did + not change his plan at all. What he did was to make insertions, to slip in + between two clauses a new one. He expressed his meaning in a lengthier + way, and the former clause is found in its integrity along with the + additional one, of which it forms, as it were, the warp. It was by this + method of touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such + little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the effect + without either change or loss. In the end it looks as if he had altered + nothing, added nothing new, as if it had always been so from the first, and + had never been meddled with. +</p> +<p> + The comparison is most instructive, showing us to what an extent Rabelais' + admirable style was due to conscious effort, care, and elaboration, a fact + which is generally too much overlooked, and how instead of leaving any + trace which would reveal toil and study, it has on the contrary a + marvellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy. It was modelled and + remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance of + having been created at a single stroke, or of having been run like molten + wax into its final form. +</p> +<p> + Something should be said here of the sources from which Rabelais borrowed. + He was not the first in France to satirize the romances of chivalry. The + romance in verse by Baudouin de Sebourc, printed in recent years, was a + parody of the Chansons de Geste. In the Moniage Guillaume, and especially + in the Moniage Rainouart, in which there is a kind of giant, and + occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes which remind us + of Rabelais. The kind of Fabliaux in mono-rhyme quatrains of the old + Aubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests. But all that is beside the + question; Rabelais did not know these. Nothing is of direct interest save + what was known to him, what fell under his eyes, what lay to his hand—as + the Facetiae of Poggio, and the last sermonnaires. In the course of one's + reading one may often enough come across the origin of some of Rabelais' + witticisms; here and there we may discover how he has developed a + situation. While gathering his materials wherever he could find them, he + was nevertheless profoundly original. +</p> +<p> + On this point much research and investigation might be employed. But there + is no need why these researches should be extended to the region of fancy. + Gargantua has been proved by some to be of Celtic origin. Very often he is + a solar myth, and the statement that Rabelais only collected popular + traditions and gave new life to ancient legends is said to be proved by the + large number of megalithic monuments to which is attached the name of + Gargantua. It was, of course, quite right to make a list of these, to draw + up, as it were, a chart of them, but the conclusion is not justified. The + name, instead of being earlier, is really later, and is a witness, not to + the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity of his novel. No one + has ever yet produced a written passage or any ancient testimony to prove + the existence of the name before Rabelais. To place such a tradition on a + sure basis, positive traces must be forthcoming; and they cannot be adduced + even for the most celebrated of these monuments, since he mentions himself + the great menhir near Poitiers, which he christened by the name of + Passelourdin. That there is something in the theory is possible. Perrault + found the subjects of his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses. + He fixed them finally by writing them down. Floating about vaguely as they + were, he seized them, worked them up, gave them shape, and yet of scarcely + any of them is there to be found before his time a single trace. So we + must resign ourselves to know just as little of what Gargantua and + Pantagruel were before the sixteenth century. +</p> +<p> + In a book of a contemporary of Rabelais, the Legende de Pierre Faifeu by + the Angevin, Charles de Bourdigne, the first edition of which dates from + 1526 and the second 1531—both so rare and so forgotten that the work is + only known since the eighteenth century by the reprint of Custelier—in the + introductory ballad which recommends this book to readers, occur these + lines in the list of popular books which Faifeu would desire to replace: +</p> +<pre> + 'Laissez ester Caillette le folastre, + Les quatre filz Aymon vestuz de bleu, + Gargantua qui a cheveux de plastre.' +</pre> +<p> + He has not 'cheveux de plastre' in Rabelais. If the rhyme had not + suggested the phrase—and the exigencies of the strict form of the ballade + and its forced repetitions often imposed an idea which had its whole origin + in the rhyme—we might here see a dramatic trace found nowhere else. The + name of Pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a Mystery of the + fifteenth century. These are the only references to the names which up + till now have been discovered, and they are, as one sees, of but little + account. +</p> +<p> + On the other hand, the influence of Aristophanes and of Lucian, his + intimate acquaintance with nearly all the writers of antiquity, Greek as + well as Latin, with whom Rabelais is more permeated even than Montaigne, + were a mine of inspiration. The proof of it is everywhere. Pliny + especially was his encyclopaedia, his constant companion. All he says of + the Pantagruelian herb, though he amply developed it for himself, is taken + from Pliny's chapter on flax. And there is a great deal more of this kind + to be discovered, for Rabelais does not always give it as quotation. On + the other hand, when he writes, 'Such an one says,' it would be difficult + enough to find who is meant, for the 'such an one' is a fictitious writer. + The method is amusing, but it is curious to account of it. +</p> +<p> + The question of the Chronique Gargantuaine is still undecided. Is it by + Rabelais or by someone else? Both theories are defensible, and can be + supported by good reasons. In the Chronique everything is heavy, + occasionally meaningless, and nearly always insipid. Can the same man have + written the Chronique and Gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by + a masterpiece, changed the facts and incidents, transformed a heavy icy + pleasantry into a work glowing with wit and life, made it no longer a mass + of laborious trifling and cold-blooded exaggerations but a satire on human + life of the highest genius? Still there are points common to the two. + Besides, Rabelais wrote other things; and it is only in his romance that he + shows literary skill. The conception of it would have entered his mind + first only in a bare and summary fashion. It would have been taken up + again, expanded, developed, metamorphosed. That is possible, and, for my + part, I am of those who, like Brunet and Nodier, are inclined to think that + the Chronique, in spite of its inferiority, is really a first attempt, + condemned as soon as the idea was conceived in another form. As its + earlier date is incontestable, we must conclude that if the Chronique is + not by him, his Gargantua and its continuation would not have existed + without it. This would be a great obligation to stand under to some + unknown author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did not + reproach him during his lifetime with being merely an imitator and a + plagiarist. So there are reasons for and against his authorship of it, and + it would be dangerous to make too bold an assertion. +</p> +<p> + One fact which is absolutely certain and beyond all controversy, is that + Rabelais owed much to one of his contemporaries, an Italian, to the + Histoire Macaronique of Merlin Coccaie. Its author, Theophilus Folengo, + who was also a monk, was born in 1491, and died only a short time before + Rabelais, in 1544. But his burlesque poem was published in 1517. It was + in Latin verse, written in an elaborately fabricated style. It is not dog + Latin, but Latin ingeniously italianized, or rather Italian, even Mantuan, + latinized. The contrast between the modern form of the word and its Roman + garb produces the most amusing effect. In the original it is sometimes + difficult to read, for Folengo has no objection to using the most + colloquial words and phrases. +</p> +<p> + The subject is quite different. It is the adventures of Baldo, son of Guy + de Montauban, the very lively history of his youth, his trial, imprisonment + and deliverance, his journey in search of his father, during which he + visits the Planets and Hell. The narration is constantly interrupted by + incidental adventures. Occasionally they are what would be called to-day + very naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly extravagant. +</p> +<p> + But Fracasso, Baldo's friend, is a giant; another friend, Cingar, who + delivers him, is Panurge exactly, and quite as much given to practical + joking. The women in the senile amour of the old Tognazzo, the judges, and + the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt with by Folengo than by the + monk of the Iles d'Hyeres. If Dindenaut's name does not occur, there are + the sheep. The tempest is there, and the invocation to all the saints. + Rabelais improves all he borrows, but it is from Folengo he starts. He + does not reproduce the words, but, like the Italian, he revels in drinking + scenes, junkettings, gormandizing, battles, scuffles, wounds and corpses, + magic, witches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, and a + solemnly minute precision of impossible dates and numbers. The atmosphere, + the tone, the methods are the same, and to know Rabelais well, you must + know Folengo well too. +</p> +<p> + Detailed proof of this would be too lengthy a matter; one would have to + quote too many passages, but on this question of sources nothing is more + interesting than a perusal of the Opus Macaronicorum. It was translated + into French only in 1606—Paris, Gilley Robinot. This translation of + course cannot reproduce all the many amusing forms of words, but it is + useful, nevertheless, in showing more clearly the points of resemblance + between the two works,—how far in form, ideas, details, and phrases + Rabelais was permeated by Folengo. The anonymous translator saw this quite + well, and said so in his title, 'Histoire macaronique de Merlin Coccaie, + prototype of Rabelais.' It is nothing but the truth, and Rabelais, who + does not hide it from himself, on more than one occasion mentions the name + of Merlin Coccaie. +</p> +<p> + Besides, Rabelais was fed on the Italians of his time as on the Greeks and + Romans. Panurge, who owes much to Cingar, is also not free from + obligations to the miscreant Margutte in the Morgante Maggiore of Pulci. + Had Rabelais in his mind the tale from the Florentine Chronicles, how in + the Savonarola riots, when the Piagnoni and the Arrabiati came to blows in + the church of the Dominican convent of San-Marco, Fra Pietro in the scuffle + broke the heads of the assailants with the bronze crucifix he had taken + from the altar? A well-handled cross could so readily be used as a weapon, + that probably it has served as such more than once, and other and even + quite modern instances might be quoted. +</p> +<p> + But other Italian sources are absolutely certain. There are few more + wonderful chapters in Rabelais than the one about the drinkers. It is not + a dialogue: those short exclamations exploding from every side, all + referring to the same thing, never repeating themselves, and yet always + varying the same theme. At the end of the Novelle of Gentile Sermini of + Siena, there is a chapter called Il Giuoco della pugna, the Game of Battle. + Here are the first lines of it: 'Apre, apre, apre. Chi gioca, chi gioca + —uh, uh!—A Porrione, a Porrione.—Viela, viela; date a ognuno.—Alle + mantella, alle mantella.—Oltre di corsa; non vi fermate.—Voltate qui; + ecco costoro; fate veli innanzi.—Viela, viela; date costi.—Chi la fa? + Io—Ed io.—Dagli; ah, ah, buona fu.—Or cosi; alla mascella, al fianco. + —Dagli basso; di punta, di punta.—Ah, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.' +</p> +<p> + And thus it goes on with fire and animation for pages. Rabelais probably + translated or directly imitated it. He changed the scene; there was no + giuooco della pugna in France. He transferred to a drinking-bout this + clatter of exclamations which go off by themselves, which cross each other + and get no answer. He made a wonderful thing of it. But though he did not + copy Sermini, yet Sermini's work provided him with the form of the subject, + and was the theme for Rabelais' marvellous variations. +</p> +<p> + Who does not remember the fantastic quarrel of the cook with the poor devil + who had flavoured his dry bread with the smoke of the roast, and the + judgment of Seyny John, truly worthy of Solomon? It comes from the Cento + Novelle Antiche, rewritten from tales older than Boccaccio, and moreover of + an extreme brevity and dryness. They are only the framework, the notes, + the skeleton of tales. The subject is often wonderful, but nothing is made + of it: it is left unshaped. Rabelais wrote a version of one, the ninth. + The scene takes place, not at Paris, but at Alexandria in Egypt among the + Saracens, and the cook is called Fabrac. But the surprise at the end, the + sagacious judgment by which the sound of a piece of money was made the + price of the smoke, is the same. Now the first dated edition of the Cento + Novelle (which were frequently reprinted) appeared at Bologna in 1525, and + it is certain that Rabelais had read the tales. And there would be much + else of the same kind to learn if we knew Rabelais' library. +</p> +<p> + A still stranger fact of this sort may be given to show how nothing came + amiss to him. He must have known, and even copied the Latin Chronicle of + the Counts of Anjou. It is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical + document, but that is no reason for thinking that the truth may not have + been manipulated and adorned. The Counts of Anjou were not saints. They + were proud, quarrelsome, violent, rapacious, and extravagant, as greedy as + they were charitable to the Church, treacherous and cruel. Yet their + anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns of all the virtues. In reality + it is both a history and in some sort a romance; especially is it a + collection of examples worthy of being followed, in the style of the + Cyropaedia, our Juvenal of the fifteenth century, and a little like + Fenelon's Telemaque. Now in it there occurs the address of one of the + counts to those who rebelled against him and who were at his mercy. + Rabelais must have known it, for he has copied it, or rather, literally + translated whole lines of it in the wonderful speech of Gargantua to the + vanquished. His contemporaries, who approved of his borrowing from + antiquity, could not detect this one, because the book was not printed till + much later. But Rabelais lived in Maine. In Anjou, which often figures + among the localities he names, he must have met with and read the + Chronicles of the Counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery library, + whether at Fontenay-le-Comte or elsewhere it matters little. There is not + only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the words too, which cannot + be a mere matter of chance. He must have known the Chronicles of the + Counts of Anjou, and they inspired one of his finest pages. One sees, + therefore, how varied were the sources whence he drew, and how many of them + must probably always escape us. +</p> +<p> + When, as has been done for Moliere, a critical bibliography of the works + relating to Rabelais is drawn up—which, by the bye, will entail a very + great amount of labour—the easiest part will certainly be the bibliography + of the old editions. That is the section that has been most satisfactorily + and most completely worked out. M. Brunet said the last word on the + subject in his Researches in 1852, and in the important article in the + fifth edition of his Manuel du Libraire (iv., 1863, pp. 1037-1071). +</p> +<p> + The facts about the fifth book cannot be summed up briefly. It was printed + as a whole at first, without the name of the place, in 1564, and next year + at Lyons by Jean Martin. It has given, and even still gives rise to two + contradictory opinions. Is it Rabelais' or not? +</p> +<p> + First of all, if he had left it complete, would sixteen years have gone by + before it was printed? Then, does it bear evident marks of his + workmanship? Is the hand of the master visible throughout? Antoine Du + Verdier in the 1605 edition of his Prosopographie writes: '(Rabelais') + misfortune has been that everybody has wished to "pantagruelize!" and + several books have appeared under his name, and have been added to his + works, which are not by him, as, for instance, l'Ile Sonnante, written by a + certain scholar of Valence and others.' +</p> +<p> + The scholar of Valence might be Guillaume des Autels, to whom with more + certainty can be ascribed the authorship of a dull imitation of Rabelais, + the History of Fanfreluche and Gaudichon, published in 1578, which, to say + the least of it, is very much inferior to the fifth book. +</p> +<p> + Louis Guyon, in his Diverses Lecons, is still more positive: 'As to the + last book which has been included in his works, entitled l'Ile Sonnante, + the object of which seems to be to find fault with and laugh at the members + and the authorities of the Catholic Church, I protest that he did not + compose it, for it was written long after his death. I was at Paris when + it was written, and I know quite well who was its author; he was not a + doctor.' That is very emphatic, and it is impossible to ignore it. +</p> +<p> + Yet everyone must recognize that there is a great deal of Rabelais in the + fifth book. He must have planned it and begun it. Remembering that in + 1548 he had published, not as an experiment, but rather as a bait and as an + announcement, the first eleven chapters of the fourth book, we may conclude + that the first sixteen chapters of the fifth book published by themselves + nine years after his death, in 1562, represent the remainder of his + definitely finished work. This is the more certain because these first + chapters, which contain the Apologue of the Horse and the Ass and the + terrible Furred Law-cats, are markedly better than what follows them. They + are not the only ones where the master's hand may be traced, but they are + the only ones where no other hand could possibly have interfered. +</p> +<p> + In the remainder the sentiment is distinctly Protestant. Rabelais was much + struck by the vices of the clergy and did not spare them. Whether we are + unable to forgive his criticisms because they were conceived in a spirit of + raillery, or whether, on the other hand, we feel admiration for him on this + point, yet Rabelais was not in the least a sectary. If he strongly desired + a moral reform, indirectly pointing out the need of it in his mocking + fashion, he was not favourable to a political reform. Those who would make + of him a Protestant altogether forget that the Protestants of his time were + not for him, but against him. Henri Estienne, for instance, Ramus, + Theodore de Beze, and especially Calvin, should know how he was to be + regarded. Rabelais belonged to what may be called the early reformation, + to that band of honest men in the beginning of the sixteenth century, + precursors of the later one perhaps, but, like Erasmus, between the two + extremes. He was neither Lutheran nor Calvinist, neither German nor + Genevese, and it is quite natural that his work was not reprinted in + Switzerland, which would certainly have happened had the Protestants looked + on him as one of themselves. +</p> +<p> + That Rabelais collected the materials for the fifth book, had begun it, and + got on some way, there can be no doubt: the excellence of a large number + of passages prove it, but—taken as a whole—the fifth book has not the + value, the verve, and the variety of the others. The style is quite + different, less rich, briefer, less elaborate, drier, in parts even + wearisome. In the first four books Rabelais seldom repeats himself. The + fifth book contains from the point of view of the vocabulary really the + least novelty. On the contrary, it is full of words and expressions + already met with, which is very natural in an imitation, in a copy, forced + to keep to a similar tone, and to show by such reminders and likenesses + that it is really by the same pen. A very striking point is the profound + difference in the use of anatomical terms. In the other books they are + most frequently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, with a quite + other meaning than their own; in the fifth they are applied correctly. It + was necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, but the writer + has not thought of using them to add to the comic effect: one cannot + always think of everything. Trouble has been taken, of course, to include + enumerations, but there are much fewer fabricated and fantastic words. In + short, the hand of the maker is far from showing the same suppleness and + strength. +</p> +<p> + A eulogistic quatrain is signed Nature quite, which, it is generally + agreed, is an anagram of Jean Turquet. Did the adapter of the fifth book + sign his work in this indirect fashion? He might be of the Genevese family + to whom Louis Turquet and his son Theodore belonged, both well-known, and + both strong Protestants. The obscurity relating to this matter is far from + being cleared up, and perhaps never will be. +</p> +<p> + It fell to my lot—here, unfortunately, I am forced to speak of a personal + matter—to print for the first time the manuscript of the fifth book. At + first it was hoped it might be in Rabelais' own hand; afterwards that it + might be at least a copy of his unfinished work. The task was a difficult + one, for the writing, extremely flowing and rapid, is execrable, and most + difficult to decipher and to transcribe accurately. Besides, it often + happens in the sixteenth and the end of the fifteenth century, that + manuscripts are much less correct than the printed versions, even when they + have not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands. In this case, it is the + writing of a clerk executed as quickly as possible. The farther it goes + the more incorrect it becomes, as if the writer were in haste to finish. +</p> +<p> + What is really the origin of it? It has less the appearance of notes or + fragments prepared by Rabelais than of a first attempt at revision. It is + not an author's rough draft; still less is it his manuscript. If I had not + printed this enigmatical text with scrupulous and painful fidelity, I would + do it now. It was necessary to do it so as to clear the way. But as the + thing is done, and accessible to those who may be interested, and who wish + to critically examine it, there is no further need of reprinting it. All + the editions of Rabelais continue, and rightly, to reproduce the edition of + 1564. It is not the real Rabelais, but however open to criticism it may + be, it was under that form that the fifth book appeared in the sixteenth + century, under that form it was accepted. Consequently it is convenient + and even necessary to follow and keep to the original edition. +</p> +<p> + The first sixteen chapters may, and really must be, the text of Rabelais, + in the final form as left by him, and found after his death; the framework, + and a number of the passages in the continuation, the best ones, of course, + are his, but have been patched up and tampered with. Nothing can have been + suppressed of what existed; it was evidently thought that everything should + be admitted with the final revision; but the tone was changed, additions + were made, and 'improvements.' Adapters are always strangely vain. +</p> +<p> + In the seventeenth century, the French printing-press, save for an edition + issued at Troyes in 1613, gave up publishing Rabelais, and the work passed + to foreign countries. Jean Fuet reprinted him at Antwerp in 1602. After + the Amsterdam edition of 1659, where for the first time appears 'The + Alphabet of the French Author,' comes the Elzevire edition of 1663. The + type, an imitation of what made the reputation of the little volumes of the + Gryphes of Lyons, is charming, the printing is perfect, and the paper, + which is French—the development of paper-making in Holland and England did + not take place till after the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes—is + excellent. They are pretty volumes to the eye, but, as in all the reprints + of the seventeenth century, the text is full of faults and most + untrustworthy. +</p> +<p> + France, through a representative in a foreign land, however, comes into + line again in the beginning of the eighteenth century, and in a really + serious fashion, thanks to the very considerable learning of a French + refugee, Jacob Le Duchat, who died in 1748. He had a most thorough + knowledge of the French prose-writers of the sixteenth century, and he made + them accessible by his editions of the Quinze Joies du Mariage, of Henri + Estienne, of Agrippa d'Aubigne, of L'Etoile, and of the Satyre Menippee. + In 1711 he published an edition of Rabelais at Amsterdam, through Henry + Bordesius, in five duodecimo volumes. The reprint in quarto which he + issued in 1741, seven years before his death, is, with its engravings by + Bernard Picot, a fine library edition. Le Duchat's is the first of the + critical editions. It takes account of differences in the texts, and + begins to point out the variations. His very numerous notes are + remarkable, and are still worthy of most serious consideration. He was the + first to offer useful elucidations, and these have been repeated after him, + and with good reason will continue to be so. The Abbe de Massy's edition + of 1752, also an Amsterdam production, has made use of Le Duchat's but does + not take its place. Finally, at the end of the century, Cazin printed + Rabelais in his little volume, in 1782, and Bartiers issued two editions + (of no importance) at Paris in 1782 and 1798. Fortunately the nineteenth + century has occupied itself with the great 'Satyrique' in a more competent + and useful fashion. +</p> +<p> + In 1820 L'Aulnaye published through Desoer his three little volumes, + printed in exquisite style, and which have other merits besides. His + volume of annotations, in which, that nothing might be lost of his own + notes, he has included many things not directly relating to Rabelais, is + full of observations and curious remarks which are very useful additions to + Le Duchat. One fault to be found with him is his further complication of + the spelling. This he did in accordance with a principle that the words + should be referred to their real etymology. Learned though he was, + Rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories + but those of the modern scholar that have been ventilated. +</p> +<p> + Somewhat later, from 1823 to 1826, Esmangart and Johanneau issued a + variorum edition in nine volumes, in which the text is often encumbered by + notes which are really too numerous, and, above all, too long. The work + was an enormous one, but the best part of it is Le Duchat's, and what is + not his is too often absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth. Le + Duchat had already given too much importance to the false historical + explanation. Here it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no evidence. + In reality, there is no need of the key to Rabelais by which to discover + the meaning of subtle allusions. He is neither so complicated nor so full + of riddles. We know how he has scattered the names of contemporaries about + his work, sometimes of friends, sometimes of enemies, and without + disguising them under any mask. He is no more Panurge than Louis XII. is + Gargantua or Francis I. Pantagruel. Rabelais says what he wants, all he + wants, and in the way he wants. There are no mysteries below the surface, + and it is a waste of time to look for knots in a bulrush. All the + historical explanations are purely imaginary, utterly without proof, and + should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed. They + are radically false, and therefore both worthless and harmful. +</p> +<p> + In 1840 there appeared in the Bibliotheque Charpentier the Rabelais in a + single duodecimo volume, begun by Charles Labiche, and, after his death, + completed by M. Paul Lacroix, whose share is the larger. The text is that + of L'Aulnaye; the short footnotes, with all their brevity, contain useful + explanations of difficult words. Amongst the editions of Rabelais this is + one of the most important, because it brought him many readers and + admirers. No other has made him so well and so widely known as this + portable volume, which has been constantly reprinted. No other has been so + widely circulated, and the sale still goes on. It was, and must still be + looked on as a most serviceable edition. +</p> +<p> + The edition published by Didot in 1857 has an altogether special character. + In the biographical notice M. Rathery for the first time treated as they + deserve the foolish prejudices which have made Rabelais misunderstood, and + M. Burgaud des Marets set the text on a quite new base. Having proved, + what of course is very evident, that in the original editions the spelling, + and the language too, were of the simplest and clearest, and were not + bristling with the nonsensical and superfluous consonants which have given + rise to the idea that Rabelais is difficult to read, he took the trouble + first of all to note the spelling of each word. Whenever in a single + instance he found it in accordance with modern spelling, he made it the + same throughout. The task was a hard one, and Rabelais certainly gained in + clearness, but over-zeal is often fatal to a reform. In respect to its + precision and the value of its notes, which are short and very judicious, + Burgaud des Marets' edition is valuable, and is amongst those which should + be known and taken into account. +</p> +<p> + Since Le Duchat all the editions have a common fault. They are not exactly + guilty of fabricating, but they set up an artificial text in the sense + that, in order to lose as little as possible, they have collected and + united what originally were variations—the revisions, in short, of the + original editions. Guided by the wise counsels given by Brunet in 1852 in + his Researches on the old editions of Rabelais, Pierre Jannet published the + first three books in 1858; then, when the publication of the Bibliotheque + Elzevirienne was discontinued, he took up the work again and finished the + edition in Picard's blue library, in little volumes, each book quite + distinct. It was M. Jannet who in our days first restored the pure and + exact text of Rabelais, not only without retouching it, but without making + additions or insertions, or juxtaposition of things that were not formerly + found together. For each of the books he has followed the last edition + issued by Rabelais, and all the earlier differences he gives as variations. + It is astonishing that a thing so simple and so fitting should not have + been done before, and the result is that this absolutely exact fidelity has + restored a lucidity which was not wanting in Rabelais's time, but which had + since been obscured. All who have come after Jannet have followed in his + path, and there is no reason for straying from it. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + FRANCIS RABELAIS. +</h2> +<center> + THE FIRST BOOK. +</center> +<p> + To the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais. +</p> +<pre> +Rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made, +All men, professions, actions to invade, +With so much furious vigour, as if it +Had lived o'er each of them, and each had quit, +Yet with such happy sleight and careless skill, +As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill, +So that although his noble leaves appear +Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear +To turn them o'er, lest they should only find +Nothing but savage monsters of a mind,— +No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise +Seriously strip him of his wild disguise, +Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore, +And polish that which seem'd rough-cast before, +Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth, +And make that fiery which before seem'd earth +(Conquering those things of highest consequence, +What's difficult of language or of sense), +He will appear some noble table writ +In the old Egyptian hieroglyphic wit; +Where, though you monsters and grotescoes see, +You meet all mysteries of philosophy. +For he was wise and sovereignly bred +To know what mankind is, how 't may be led: +He stoop'd unto them, like that wise man, who +Rid on a stick, when 's children would do so. +For we are easy sullen things, and must +Be laugh'd aright, and cheated into trust; +Whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about +Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout, +And cajoles it, with all its peevish strength +Piteously stretch'd and botch'd up into length, +Whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey +Such opiate talk, and snore away the day, +By all his noise as much their minds relieves, +As caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves. + But Rabelais was another thing, a man +Made up of all that art and nature can +Form from a fiery genius,—he was one +Whose soul so universally was thrown +Through all the arts of life, who understood +Each stratagem by which we stray from good; +So that he best might solid virtue teach, +As some 'gainst sins of their own bosoms preach: +He from wise choice did the true means prefer, +In the fool's coat acting th' philosopher. + Thus hoary Aesop's beasts did mildly tame +Fierce man, and moralize him into shame; +Thus brave romances, while they seem to lay +Great trains of lust, platonic love display; +Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance +Show'd a drunk slave, teach children temperance; +Thus did the later poets nobly bring +The scene to height, making the fool the king. + And, noble sir, you vigorously have trod +In this hard path, unknown, un-understood +By its own countrymen, 'tis you appear +Our full enjoyment which was our despair, +Scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns +(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns), +Leaving your brave heroic cares, which must +Make better mankind and embalm your dust, +So undeceiving us, that now we see +All wit in Gascon and in Cromarty, +Besides that Rabelais is convey'd to us, +And that our Scotland is not barbarous. + + J. De la Salle. +</pre> +<p> + Rablophila. +</p> +<p> + The First Decade. +</p> +<p> + The Commendation. +</p> +<pre> +Musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum, + Et Gargantueas perpetuato faces, +Utque homini tali resultet nobilis Eccho: + Quicquid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit. +</pre> +<p> + The Argument. +</p> +<pre> + Here I intend mysteriously to sing + With a pen pluck'd from Fame's own wing, +Of Gargantua that learn'd breech-wiping king. +</pre> +<p> + Decade the First. +</p> +<pre> + I. + + Help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze + Benumbs me! I must sound the praise +Of him hath turn'd this crabbed work in such heroic phrase. + + II. + + What wit would not court martyrdom to hold + Upon his head a laurel of gold, +Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearl is told: + + III. + + And such a one is this, art's masterpiece, + A thing ne'er equall'd by old Greece: +A thing ne'er match'd as yet, a real Golden Fleece. + + IV. + + Vice is a soldier fights against mankind; + Which you may look but never find: +For 'tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined. + + V. + + And thus he rails at drinking all before 'em, + And for lewd women does be-whore 'em, +And brings their painted faces and black patches to th' quorum. + + VI. + + To drink he was a furious enemy + Contented with a six-penny— +(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie— + + VII. + + And for tobacco's pate-rotunding smoke, + Much had he said, and much more spoke, +But 'twas not then found out, so the design was broke. + + VIII. + + Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud, + Assembled in a blue-vein'd cloud, +And this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud. + + IX. + + To praise it further I would now begin + Were 't now a thoroughfare and inn, +It harbours vice, though 't be to catch it in a gin. + + X. + + Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail, + And acclamate a gentle hail +With all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail. +</pre> +<pre> +Jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri. + Imparibus restat danda secunda modis. +Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam, + Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais. + + Malevolus. +</pre> +<p> + (Reader, the Errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost; + and therefore the Translator, not having leisure to collect them again, + craves thy pardon for such as thou may'st meet with.) +</p> +<a name="image-0005"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/prologue1.jpg" height="813" width="590" +alt="Prologue1 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<h2> + The Author's Prologue to the First Book. +</h2> +<p> + Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified + blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades, + in that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst he was + setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all + question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that + purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes. Silenes of old were little + boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on + the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, + horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other + such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto + laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, was + wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and + kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, + civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great + price. Just such another thing was Socrates. For to have eyed his outside, + and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the + peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his + gesture. He had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and + countenance of a fool: he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his + apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the + commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to everyone, + with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his + divine knowledge. Now, opening this box you would have found within it a + heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable + virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain + contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all + that for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil + and turmoil themselves. +</p> +<p> + Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend? + For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease + and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as + Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot (Fessepinte.), the Dignity of Codpieces, of + Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that there + is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and + recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually, + without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision. But + truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men, + seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many + being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal, + and that there are of those that wear Spanish capes, who have but little of + the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore is it, that you must open the + book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it. Then shall you + find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did + promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish as by + the title at the first sight it would appear to be. +</p> +<p> + And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry + and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their + inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming + syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly + you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart. Did you ever + pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it? Tell me + truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had. + Or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,—the beast of + all other, says Plato, lib. 2, de Republica, the most philosophical? If + you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and + circumspectness he wards and watcheth it: with what care he keeps it: how + fervently he holds it: how prudently he gobbets it: with what affection + he breaks it: and with what diligence he sucks it. To what end all this? + What moveth him to take all these pains? What are the hopes of his labour? + What doth he expect to reap thereby? Nothing but a little marrow. True it + is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great + quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, + 5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly + elaboured by nature. +</p> +<p> + In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and + have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, + which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter + somewhat difficult. And then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, + and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,—that is, + my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by + these Pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing you will at + last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them: + for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find another kind of taste, + and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will + disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dreadful mysteries, as + well in what concerneth your religion, as matters of the public state, and + life economical. +</p> +<p> + Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was a-couching + his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which + Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus squeezed out of him, + and which Politian filched again from them? If you trust it, with neither + hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have + been as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel sacraments were by Ovid + in his Metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (Frere Lubin + croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if + perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb says) + a lid worthy of such a kettle. +</p> +<p> + If you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new + chronicles of mine? Albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more + than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as I was. For in the + composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any + other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily + refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking. And indeed that is + the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and + deep sciences: as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues, + and Ennius, the father of the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although a + certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine + than oil. +</p> +<p> + So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him. + The fragrant odour of the wine, O how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing + (Riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of + oil! And I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I have spent + more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his + expense on oil was greater than on wine. I truly hold it for an honour and + praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Goodfellow; + for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists. + It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his + Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy + oil-vessel. For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the + perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these + fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me + always merry. Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully + read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins. + But hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink + a health to me for the like favour again, and I will pledge you instantly, + Tout ares-metys. +</p> +<p> + Rabelais to the Reader. +</p> +<p> + Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book, + Be not offended, whilst on it you look: + Denude yourselves of all depraved affection, + For it contains no badness, nor infection: + 'Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth + Of any value, but in point of mirth; + Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind + Consume, I could no apter subject find; + One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span; + Because to laugh is proper to the man. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0001"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.I.—Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua. +</h2> +<p> + I must refer you to the great chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of + that genealogy and antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us. + In it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this + world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the father of + Pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, + although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more + it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you have the + authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says that + there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt), which, + the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable. +</p> +<p> + Would to God everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the + time of the ark of Noah until this age. I think many are at this day + emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction + is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now + poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the + blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I conceive + it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the + Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians + to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to + the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French. +</p> +<p> + And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot + think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former + times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a + king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good + cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my + friends, and all honest and learned men. But herein do I comfort myself, + that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too than at this + present I dare wish. As for you, with the same or a better conceit + consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by + it. +</p> +<p> + To return to our wethers, I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the + antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more + full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean + not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is + to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose + me. This genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near + the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to Narsay: where, as he was + making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against + a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the + end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of + Vienne. Opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top + with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Etrurian letters Hic + Bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank + their kyles in Gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had + under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, + smelling stronger, but no better than roses. In that book the said + genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in + paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet so + worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together + be there perfectly discerned. +</p> +<p> + I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those + spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do + not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it, + did translate the book as you may see in your Pantagruelizing, that is to + say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart's desire, and reading the + dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel. At the end of the book there was + a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of + extravagant conceits. The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other + wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning: the rest I have hereto + subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0002"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.II.—-The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found in an ancient Monument. +</h2> +<p> + No sooner did the Cymbrians' overcomer + Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer, + But at his coming straight great tubs were fill'd, + With pure fresh butter down in showers distill'd: + Wherewith when water'd was his grandam, Hey, + Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y'; + Because his beard is almost all beray'd; + Or, that he would hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd. +</p> +<p> + To lick his slipper, some told was much better, + Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. + In th' interim a crafty chuff approaches, + From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches; + Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save, + The eel is here, and in this hollow cave + You'll find, if that our looks on it demur, + A great waste in the bottom of his fur. +</p> +<p> + To read this chapter when he did begin, + Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein; + I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold + My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold. + Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd, + To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, + Provided that a new thill-horse they made + Of every person of a hair-brain'd head. +</p> +<p> + They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles, + Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes, + If they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff, + Such as might not be subject to the cough: + Since ev'ry man unseemly did it find, + To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind: + For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed, + For pledges they to men might be exposed. +</p> +<p> + In this arrest by Hercules the raven + Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven. + Why am not I, said Minos, there invited? + Unless it be myself, not one's omitted: + And then it is their mind, I do no more + Of frogs and oysters send them any store: + In case they spare my life and prove but civil, + I give their sale of distaffs to the devil. +</p> +<p> + To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets + At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets: + The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those + Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose: + Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred, + But on a tanner's mill are winnowed. + Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear, + You shall have more than you had the last year. +</p> +<p> + Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove + Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove; + Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, + They should o'erthrow quite flat down dead th' empire. + He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal, + To boats where were red herrings put to sale; + Than to be calm 'gainst those, who strive to brave us, + And to the Massorets' fond words enslave us. +</p> +<p> + All this at last concluded gallantly, + In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh, + Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta'en, + In her old age, for a cress-selling quean. + Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad, + Doth it become thee to be found abroad? + Thou hast the Roman standard filch'd away, + Which they in rags of parchment did display. +</p> +<p> + Juno was born, who, under the rainbow, + Was a-bird-catching with her duck below: + When her with such a grievous trick they plied + That she had almost been bethwacked by it. + The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she + Should of Proserpina have two eggs free; + And if that she thereafter should be found, + She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. +</p> +<p> + Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two, + He, that of old did Carthage town undo, + Did bravely midst them all himself advance, + Requiring of them his inheritance; + Although they justly made up the division, + According to the shoe-welt-law's decision, + By distributing store of brews and beef + To these poor fellows that did pen the brief. +</p> +<p> + But th' year will come, sign of a Turkish bow, + Five spindles yarn'd, and three pot-bottoms too, + Wherein of a discourteous king the dock + Shall pepper'd be under an hermit's frock. + Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must + Permit so many acres to be lost! + Cease, cease, this vizard may become another, + Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's brother. +</p> +<p> + 'Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign + With his good friends in peace now and again. + No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave, + Each good will its arbitrement shall have; + And the joy, promised of old as doom + To the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon come. + Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd were, + Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there. +</p> +<p> + And this continue shall from time to time, + Till Mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime; + Then shall one come, who others will surpass, + Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. + Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, + All trusty friends of mine; for he's deceased, + Who would not for a world return again, + So highly shall time past be cried up then. +</p> +<p> + He who was made of wax shall lodge each member + Close by the hinges of a block of timber. + We then no more shall Master, master, whoot, + The swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out; + Could one seize on the dagger which he bears, + Heads would be free from tingling in the ears, + To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses. + The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.III.—How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly. +</h2> +<p> + Grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to + drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would + willingly eat salt meat. To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished + with gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayonne, with store + of dried neat's tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings in + their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard roes + of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not of + Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigorre, Longaulnay, + Brene, and Rouargue. In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle, + daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed + wench. These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully + rubbing and frotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so far, that at + last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the + eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly, + especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person + predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits. As + Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a + whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month. For, as + Aulus Gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of + Neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form. For the like + reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last + forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of + Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and tyrants wherewith it + was suppressed. My masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, have confirmed + that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also + maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant born of a woman + in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband. Hypocrates, lib. + de alimento. Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 5. Plautus, in his Cistelleria. + Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed The Testament, alleging to this + purpose the authority of Aristotle. Censorinus, lib. de die natali. + Arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura animalium. Gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16. + Servius, in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil's eclogues, Matri + longa decem, &c., and a thousand other fools, whose number hath been + increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho. + fin. and in Auth. de restitut. et ea quae parit in xi mense. Moreover upon + these grounds they have foisted in their Robidilardic, or Lapiturolive law. + Gallus ff. de lib. et posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other + laws, which at this time I dare not name. By means whereof the honest + widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and + main, and as hard as they can, for the space of the first two months after + the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if + you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the + codpiece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they + happen within the third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the + deceased, if, before he died, he had no other children, and the mother + shall pass for an honest woman. +</p> +<p> + When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not, + whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As Julia, the daughter of + the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but + when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive + not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading. And if any + blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon + their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of + their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, their + answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well + skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and + mysteries of superfetation: as Populia heretofore answered, according to + the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. Saturnal. If the devil will not have + them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.IV.—-How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. +</h2> +<p> + The occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of + her child, was thus: and, if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut + fall out and make an escapade. Her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped + her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at + dinner too many godebillios. Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros. + Coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh + guimo meadows. Guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be + mowed twice a year. Of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred + sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the + entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith + to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their + wine the better. +</p> +<p> + They had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so + delicious, that everyone licked his fingers. But the mischief was this, + that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in + that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had + been an undecent thing. It was therefore concluded, that they should be + all of them gulched up, without losing anything. To this effect they + invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche-Clermaud, of + Vaugaudry, without omitting the Coudray, Monpensier, the Gue de Vede, and + other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players + at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their + company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything. + Nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, + and that these tripes were no very commendable meat. They would fain, said + he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was. + Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two + bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full. O the fair fecality wherewith she + swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff! +</p> +<p> + After dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows, + where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant + bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport + to see them so frolic. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0005"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.V.—The Discourse of the Drinkers. +</h2> +<a name="image-0006"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-05-006.jpg" height="617" width="887" +alt="All Stiff Drinkers--1-05-006 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be + snatched at in the very same place. Which purpose was no sooner mentioned, + but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great + bowls to ting, glasses to ring. Draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without + water. So, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither + some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over. A cessation and truce + with thirst. Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone? By my figgins, + godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so + currently as I would. You have catched a cold, gammer? Yea, forsooth, + sir. By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of our drink: I never drink + but at my hours, like the Pope's mule. And I never drink but in my + breviary, like a fair father guardian. Which was first, thirst or + drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk + without being athirst? Nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio + praesupponit habitum. I am learned, you see: Foecundi calices quem non + fecere disertum? We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst. Not + I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present + or future. To prevent it, as you know, I drink for the thirst to come. I + drink eternally. This is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of + eternity. Let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays. Where is + my funnel? What, it seems I do not drink but by an attorney? Do you wet + yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? Pish, I understand not the + rhetoric (theoric, I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the + practice. Baste! enough! I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I + drink, and all for fear of dying. Drink always and you shall never die. + If I drink not, I am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent. I am stark dead + without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the + soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it. O you butlers, creators + of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and + everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and + sinewy bowels. He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it. This + entereth into my veins,—the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have + nothing of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I + apparelled this morning. I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and + stuffed my paunch. If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well + as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or + when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me + they can demand. This hand of yours spoils your nose. O how many other + such will enter here before this go out! What, drink so shallow? It is + enough to break both girds and petrel. This is called a cup of + dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy. +</p> +<p> + What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon. Great difference; + for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with a + vice (La bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.). Bravely + and well played upon the words! Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied + their cans. Well cacked, well sung! Come, let us drink: will you send + nothing to the river? Here is one going to wash the tripes. I drink no + more than a sponge. I drink like a Templar knight. And I, tanquam + sponsus. And I, sicut terra sine aqua. Give me a synonymon for a gammon + of bacon. It is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pulley. By a + pulley-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the + stomach. Hey! now, boys, hither, some drink, some drink. There is no + trouble in it. Respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I + could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very + high in the air. +</p> +<p> + Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,—thus went in the tailor's stitch. Thus did + Bacchus conquer th' Inde—thus Philosophy, Melinde. A little rain allays a + great deal of wind: long tippling breaks the thunder. But if there came + such liquor from my ballock, would you not willingly thereafter suck the + udder whence it issued? Here, page, fill! I prithee, forget me not when + it comes to my turn, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into + the very register of my heart. Sup, Guillot, and spare not, there is + somewhat in the pot. I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. + Page, sue out my appeal in form. This remnant in the bottom of the glass + must follow its leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I + leave nothing. Let us not make too much haste; it is requisite we carry + all along with us. Heyday, here are tripes fit for our sport, and, in + earnest, excellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) with the black + streak. O, for God's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. + Drink, or I will,—No, no, drink, I beseech you (Ou je vous, je vous + prie.). Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can I + drink if I be not fairly spoke to. The concavities of my body are like + another Hell for their capacity. Lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas: + aides orcus: and eteros alter.). There is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in + all my body, where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will + bang it soundly. But this shall banish it utterly. Let us wind our horns + by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost + his thirst come not hither to seek it. Long clysters of drinking are to be + voided without doors. The great God made the planets, and we make the + platters neat. I have the word of the gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The + stone called asbestos is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my + paternity. Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston, but the thirst goes + away with drinking. I have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that + which is good against the biting of a mad dog. Keep running after a dog, + and he will never bite you; drink always before the thirst, and it will + never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred + eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands + wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. Hey now, lads, let us moisten + ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter. White wine here, wine, boys! + Pour out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill + (peascods on you) till it be full. My tongue peels. Lans trinque; to + thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, + lively! Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped + over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape! I'faith, pure Greek, + Greek! O the fine white wine! upon my conscience, it is a kind of taffetas + wine,—hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool. + Courage, comrade, up thy heart, billy! We will not be beasted at this + bout, for I have got one trick. Ex hoc in hoc. There is no enchantment + nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it. My 'prenticeship is out, I + am a free man at this trade. I am prester mast (Prestre mace, maistre + passe.), Prish, Brum! I should say, master past. O the drinkers, those + that are a-dry, O poor thirsty souls! Good page, my friend, fill me here + some, and crown the wine, I pray thee. Like a cardinal! Natura abhorret + vacuum. Would you say that a fly could drink in this? This is after the + fashion of Switzerland. Clear off, neat, supernaculum! Come, therefore, + blades, to this divine liquor and celestial juice, swill it over heartily, + and spare not! It is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.VI.—How Gargantua was born in a strange manner. +</h2> +<p> + Whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking, + Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon + Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly + and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was + best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was + like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient + she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh + arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was + somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that + the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she + should not so much as remember it. On, with a sheep's courage! quoth he. + Despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of + another. Ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are + men! Well, then, in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing that you will + have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you! What? said + Grangousier. Ha, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it + well enough. What, my member? said he. By the goat's blood, if it please + you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a knife. Alas, said + she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to forgive me! I did not say it from + my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less + any kind of harm for my speaking so to you. But I am like to have work + enough to do to-day and all for your member, yet God bless you and it. +</p> +<p> + Courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four + foremost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in + the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, I will be + so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with + you forthwith. A little while after she began to groan, lament and cry. + Then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below, + found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste + truly bad enough. This they thought had been the child, but it was her + fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight + entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many + tripes, as we have showed you before. Whereupon an old ugly trot in the + company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from + Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so + horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, + arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and + contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your + teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the + mass at Saint Martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth + he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of + two young mangy whores. By this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix + were presently loosed, through which the child sprang up and leaped, and + so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above + her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into two, and from thence + taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear. As + soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to do, Miez, miez, + miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted about, Some + drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him. + The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the + countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me, that you do not + thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity. Though you believe + it not, I care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgment, + believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written. +</p> +<p> + Is this beyond our law or our faith—against reason or the holy Scripture? + For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it. But + tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do + it? Ha, for favour sake, I beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize + your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it + is not impossible with God, and, if he pleased, all women henceforth should + bring forth their children at the ear. Was not Bacchus engendered out of + the very thigh of Jupiter? Did not Roquetaillade come out at his mother's + heel, and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? Was not Minerva born of + the brain, even through the ear of Jove? Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh + tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that egg which was laid and + hatched by Leda? But you would wonder more, and with far greater + amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius, + wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am + not I so impudent a liar as he was. Read the seventh book of his Natural + History, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more about this. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.VII.—After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. +</h2> +<a name="image-0007"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-07-018.jpg" height="912" width="608" +alt="One of the Girls Brought Him Wine--1-07-018 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard + the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of + this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; + whereupon he said in French, Que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is + to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast. Which the company + hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because + it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in + imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto he + condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith. In the + meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that + is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the + font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good Christians. +</p> +<p> + Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine + hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and Brehemond, to + furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse + sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of + milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not + wanting some doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own + mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one + thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time. +</p> +<p> + Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly + scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of + heresy. Thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time, + by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made for + him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio, + wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth + the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten + chins. He cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: for, to speak + truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by + reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had + befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral juice. Yet without + a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, + displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and + what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would + be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again, + and as still and quiet as ever. One of his governesses told me (swearing + by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the + sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as + if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon + consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to cheer + him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their + stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound + whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the + cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, and + barytonizing with his tail. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.VIII.—How they apparelled Gargantua. +</h2> +<p> + Being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his + own livery, which was white and blue. To work then went the tailors, and + with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to + the fashion that was then in request. I find by the ancient records or + pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer + at Montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. To make him + every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chasteleraud linen, + and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put + under his armpits. His shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the + plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point + of their needle (Besongner du cul, Englished The eye of the needle.) was + broken) began to work and occupy with the tail. There were taken up for + his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his + points fifteen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a half. Then was it that + men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets + to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply been + showed by Ockham upon the exponibles of Master Haultechaussade. +</p> +<p> + For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of + white broadcloth. They were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered, + channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins: and + were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask + as was needful: and remark, that he had very good leg-harness, + proportionable to the rest of his stature. +</p> +<p> + For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth, + and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly + fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a great + emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and + Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the + natural member. The exiture, outjecting or outstanding, of his codpiece + was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and + strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his + breeches. But had you seen the fair embroidery of the small needlework + purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith's art set out + and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious rubies, fine turquoises, costly + emeralds, and Persian pearls, you would have compared it to a fair + cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you see in antiques, or as Rhea + gave to the two nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the nurses of Jupiter. +</p> +<p> + And, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, + droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full + of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. I avow + God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more + of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of codpieces. One + thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well + furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical + codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only + with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex. +</p> +<p> + For his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue + crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in + uniform cylinders. For the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred + hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling. +</p> +<p> + For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in + grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle + decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of + pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good + fellow and singular whipcan. +</p> +<p> + His girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half + white and half blue, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of Valentia, + nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos + borrachos maranisados como diablos: but he had a fair sword made of wood, + and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as any man + could wish. +</p> +<p> + His purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by Herr + Pracontal, proconsul of Lybia. +</p> +<p> + For his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting + two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by + true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the + necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes + of the beholders. For his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two + ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round, + of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of the + Marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or other + bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his plume, he wore a fair + great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of Hircania the + wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear. For the jewel or + brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three + score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man's + body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two + arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man's + nature; and about it was written in Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes, + or rather, Aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier + junctim propriissime homo. To wear about his neck, he had a golden chain, + weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks of gold, the links + thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set + in work green jaspers engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams + and sparks, as king Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them: and it reached + down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great + benefit all his life long, as the Greek physicians know well enough. For + his gloves were put in work sixteen otters' skins, and three of the + loupgarous, or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this + stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlouand. As + for the rings which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient + mark of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as + big as an ostrich's egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a + Turkey seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring made + of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; so + that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the + copper. All this was made by Captain Chappuys, and Alcofribas his good + agent. On the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made + spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and + a Physon emerald, of an inestimable value. For Hans Carvel, the king of + Melinda's jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions, + eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen French crowns of Berry, and + at so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize them. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.IX.—The colours and liveries of Gargantua. +</h2> +<p> + Gargantua's colours were white and blue, as I have showed you before, by + which his father would give us to understand that his son to him was a + heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and + rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. I know well enough that, in + reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of + colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because + white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy. But without moving, + vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the weather is dangerous), + answer me, if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I + use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or + two of my bottle. What is it that induceth you, what stirs you up to + believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith, and blue constancy? + An old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking pedlars and balladmongers, + entitled The Blason of Colours. Who made it? Whoever it was, he was wise + in that he did not set his name to it. But, besides, I know not what I + should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness. His + presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without + cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe, by his + private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the + colour: which is the custom of tyrants, who will have their will to bear + sway in stead of equity, and not of the wise and learned, who with the + evidence of reason satisfy their readers. His sottishness and want of + spirit, in that he thought that, without any other demonstration or + sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish and + ridiculous impositions the rule of their devices. In effect, according to + the proverb, To a shitten tail fails never ordure, he hath found, it seems, + some simple ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high + round bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings, + according to which they carved and engraved their apophthegms and mottoes, + trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their + pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the + curtains and valances of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, + and, which is worse, placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base + tricks undiscoveredly amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend + sciences. In the like darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these + vain-glorious courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their + impresas to signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere—and + birds' pennes for pains—l'ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for + melancholy—a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or rising of + one's fortune—a bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt—non and a + corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last), un + lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for un licencie, a + graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter barrister-at-law; which + are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a + fox's tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a vizard made of a + cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth should offer, after the + restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France. +</p> +<p> + By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather, + and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to signify + that I am in pain—a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't—one + pissing upwards for a bishop—the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel + full of fart-hings—a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the + sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the English bears it, for + the tail of a codfish—and a dog's turd for the dainty turret wherein lies + the love of my sweetheart. Far otherwise did heretofore the sages of + Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called hieroglyphics, which + none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of + the things represented by them. Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek + composed two books, and Polyphilus, in his Dream of Love, set down more. + In France you have a taste of them in the device or impresa of my Lord + Admiral, which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my + little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no + further, therefore must I return to the port from whence I came. Yet do I + hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by + philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and + from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and + what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my + cap, which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam said. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.X.—Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue. +</h2> +<p> + The white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at + random, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be + true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to + what presently I shall expound unto you. +</p> +<p> + Aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good + and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and + pain, joy and grief,—and so of others,—if you couple them in such manner + that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the + other, it must follow by consequence that the other contrary must answer to + the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred. As, for example, + virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil. If one of + the contraries of the first kind be consonant to one of those of the + second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear that virtue is good, so + shall the other two contraries, which are evil and vice, have the same + connection, for vice is evil. +</p> +<p> + This logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and + sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically + contrary. If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then + should white import joy. Nor is this signification instituted by human + imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which + philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable + right of force in all countries whatsoever. For you know well enough that + all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans + and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean + outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning + is done with black. Which general consent is not without some argument and + reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly + comprehend, without the instruction of any—and this we call the law of + nature. By virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white all + the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. In + former times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, and + fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and unfortunate + ones with black. Is not the night mournful, sad, and melancholic? It is + black and dark by the privation of light. Doth not the light comfort all + the world? And it is more white than anything else. Which to prove, I + could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus; but an + evangelical testimony I hope will content you. Matth. 17 it is said that, + at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut + lux, his apparel was made white like the light. By which lightsome + whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and figure of + the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the + word of the old woman, who, although she had never a tooth in her head, was + wont to say, Bona lux. And Tobit, chap.5, after he had lost his sight, + when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see + the light of Heaven? In that colour did the angels testify the joy of the + whole world at the resurrection of our Saviour, John 20, and at his + ascension, Acts 1. With the like colour of vesture did St. John the + Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blessed + Jerusalem. +</p> +<p> + Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that + the town of Alba (the first pattern of Rome) was founded and so named by + reason of a white sow that was seen there. You shall likewise find in + those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was + by decree of the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode in + a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the ovation triumph was also the + custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the + joy of their coming as by the white. You shall there also find, how + Pericles, the general of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his + army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in + mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting. A thousand + other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is + not here where I should do it. +</p> +<p> + By understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which Alexander + Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable: why the lion, who with his only + cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock? + For, as Proclus saith, Libro de Sacrificio et Magia, it is because the + presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary of all + terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white + cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical + quality, than with a lion. He saith, furthermore, that devils have been + often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white cock have + presently vanished. This is the cause why Galli or Gallices (so are the + Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the + Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for by + nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and + well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower + of any, the Flower de luce or Lily. +</p> +<p> + If you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and + gladness, I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus. For, as the + white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby + the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of + Aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise + perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, how + you will complain that you cannot see well; as Xenophon writes to have + happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu + partium: just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and + suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far + on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence + of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as Galen saith, + lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de symptomatum + causis. And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus + Tullius, lib. 1, Quaest. Tuscul., Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, in his + relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, A. + Gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,—to Diagoras the Rhodian, + Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Philemon, + Polycrates, Philistion, M. Juventi, and others who died with joy. And as + Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the saffron, that + it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it excessively, it will + by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it altogether of life. + Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1, Probl., cap. 19, and that for a + cause. But what? It seems I am entered further into this point than I + intended at the first. Here, therefore, will I strike sail, referring the + rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter to the full. + Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify + heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols that white + signifieth joy and pleasure. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XI.—Of the youthful age of Gargantua. +</h2> +<a name="image-0008"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-11-026.jpg" height="879" width="583" +alt="On the Road to The Castle--1-11-026 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and + instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father; + and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is, + in drinking, eating, and sleeping: in eating, sleeping, and drinking: and + in sleeping, drinking, and eating. Still he wallowed and rolled up and + down himself in the mire and dirt—he blurred and sullied his nose with + filth—he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff—he + trod down his shoes in the heel—at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and + ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his + father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on + his sleeve—he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and + dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere—he would drink in his slipper, + and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier. He sharpened his teeth + with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a + bowl. He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground + —would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup. He + did eat his cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh + in biting. Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss + against the sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain. He would + strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle + it. He would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, + and turn the hogs to the hay. He would beat the dogs before the lion, put + the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He would pump + one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, + and always eat his white bread first. He shoed the geese, kept a + self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen: + made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at matins, and found + it very convenient so to do. He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,—knew + flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet. He would + scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could. He would + pull at the kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his + host. He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the + moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. Out of one + sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would act the ass's + part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a mallet. He took the + cranes at the first leap, and would have the mail-coats to be made link + after link. He always looked a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the + cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green. By robbing Peter he + paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch larks if + ever the heavens should fall. He did make of necessity virtue, of such + bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven. + Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father's little dogs eat + out of the dish with him, and he with them. He would bite their ears, and + they would scratch his nose—he would blow in their arses, and they would + lick his chaps. +</p> +<p> + But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your + brains, if you do not give ear! This little lecher was always groping his + nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri + bourriquet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in + jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to + exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice. Which codpiece, or + braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair + nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very + pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their + fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and + stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up + salve spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, when they + saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them. One of them would + call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, + her dandilolly. Another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her + membretoon, her quickset imp: another again, her branch of coral, her + female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for + ladies. And some of the other women would give it these names,—my + bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty + borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling + hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser, + pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, futilletie, + my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille, + my pretty rogue, and so forth. It belongs to me, said one. It is mine, + said the other. What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? By my + faith, I will cut it then. Ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt him. + Madam, do you cut little children's things? Were his cut off, he would be + then Monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master. And that he might play and + sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country, + they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of the windmill of + Myrebalais. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XII.—Of Gargantua's wooden horses. +</h2> +<a name="image-0009"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-12-028.jpg" height="895" width="590" +alt="Led Them up the Great Staircase--1-12-028 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to + him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out + behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, + amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding: go the gait of the camel, + and of the wild ass. He made him also change his colour of hair, as the + monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do + their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun, + deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the + colour of the savage elk. +</p> +<p> + Himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily + service of the beam of a vinepress: and of a great oak made up a mule, + with a footcloth, for his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve + spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his + own chamber, close by his bedside. One day the Lord of Breadinbag + (Painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant + train: and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the Duke of + Freemeal (Francrepas.) and the Earl of Wetgullet (Mouillevent.). The house + truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the + stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag, + to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to + Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of + the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all. + Then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second + hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower, + and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to + the steward, This child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top + of the house. You may be mistaken, said the steward, for I know some + places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have + their stables at the very tops of the houses: so it may be that behind the + house there is a way to come to this ascent. But I will question with him + further. Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you + lead us? To the stable, said he, of my great horses. We are almost come + to it; we have but these stairs to go up at. Then leading them alongst + another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the + door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet; + this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on + them with a great lever. I will bestow upon you, said he, this Friesland + horse; I had him from Frankfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a + pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, half a + dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds: thus are you king of the + hares and partridges for all this winter. By St. John, said they, now we + are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever. + I deny it, said he,—he was not here above three days. Judge you now, + whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to + laugh at the jest. As they were going down again thus amazed, he asked + them, Will you have a whimwham (Aubeliere.)? What is that, said they? It + is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle. To-day, said the steward, + though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty + well quipped and larded, in my opinion. O my jolly dapper boy, thou hast + given us a gudgeon; I hope to see thee Pope before I die. I think so, said + he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a + perfect papelard, that is, dissembler. Well, well, said the harbinger. + But, said Gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother's + smock. Sixteen, quoth the harbinger. You do not speak gospel, said + Gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not + reckon them ill, considering the two under holes. When? said the + harbinger. Even then, said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose + to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put + it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. + Cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater. Farewell, master + tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and + so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted. +</p> +<p> + Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall + the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon Gargantua + said, What a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your + bilder to fail you when you need him most. If you were to go from hence to + Cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a + leash? I had rather drink, said the harbinger. With this they entered + into the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new + story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XIII.—How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech. +</h2> +<p> + About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of + the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he + filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of + his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish + questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and + with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other + things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this + Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that + in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How + is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and + curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the + most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? + said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. + Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be + good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my + fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that + was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that + I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there + was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox + take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. + Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made + them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a + page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion. +</p> +<p> + Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I + wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and + exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning + thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent + perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, + with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with + beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, + wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. + All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, + with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, + which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the + sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras + hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a + handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than + do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which + torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua, + and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and + knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with + thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but, +</p> +<pre> + Who his foul tail with paper wipes, + Shall at his ballocks leave some chips. +</pre> +<p> + What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that + thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I + can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. Hark, what + our privy says to the skiters: +</p> +<pre> +Shittard, +Squirtard, +Crackard, + Turdous, +Thy bung +Hath flung +Some dung + On us: +Filthard, +Cackard, +Stinkard, + St. Antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?), +If thy +Dirty +Dounby + Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone. +</pre> +<p> + Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said + Gargantua, +</p> +<p> + A Roundelay. +</p> +<pre> +In shitting yes'day I did know +The sess I to my arse did owe: +The smell was such came from that slunk, +That I was with it all bestunk: +O had but then some brave Signor +Brought her to me I waited for, + In shitting! +</pre> +<pre> +I would have cleft her watergap, +And join'd it close to my flipflap, +Whilst she had with her fingers guarded +My foul nockandrow, all bemerded + In shitting. +</pre> +<p> + Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making, + but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever + since have retained them in the budget of my memory. +</p> +<p> + Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to + skite? No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, + will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank + and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, truly, said + Grangousier. +</p> +<p> + There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul; + foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must + before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy, said + Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very + shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by + G—, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this + torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for + one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton + wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. + Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, + with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and + unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, + and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others + with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very + neat abstersion of the fecal matter. +</p> +<p> + Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a + calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an + attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, + to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, + bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is + none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, + if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine + honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful + pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the + temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut + and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of + the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and + demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, + ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, + according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a + goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of + Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XIV.—How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister. +</h2> +<p> + The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with + admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his + son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew + the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for + his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure + to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls, + breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and + putting another out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being considered, + one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the breaking and + managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the horse + proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting + on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell behind, + and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. Whereby his + father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most + carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly + renowned above all the philosophers of Greece. After the same manner I + tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had before you + with my son Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth participate of + some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have that education + which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore + will I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according + to his capacity, and will spare no cost. Presently they appointed him a + great sophister-doctor, called Master Tubal Holofernes, who taught him his + ABC so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was + five years and three months. Then read he to him Donat, Le Facet, + Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis. About this he was thirteen years, six + months, and two weeks. But you must remark that in the mean time he did + learn to write in Gothic characters, and that he wrote all his books—for + the art of printing was not then in use—and did ordinarily carry a great + pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thousand quintals (that is, 700,000 + pound weight), the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great + pillars of Enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains, it + being of the wideness of a tun of merchant ware. After that he read unto + him the book de modis significandi, with the commentaries of Hurtbise, of + Fasquin, of Tropdieux, of Gualhaut, of John Calf, of Billonio, of + Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more than + eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it that, to try + masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by + heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his finger-ends to his mother, + quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. Then did he read to him the + compost for knowing the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, and tides + of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly + at the time that his said preceptor died of the French pox, which was in + the year one thousand four hundred and twenty. Afterwards he got an old + coughing fellow to teach him, named Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt, + who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard('s) Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Parts, + the Quid est, the Supplementum, Marmotretus, De moribus in mensa servandis, + Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commento, and + Dormi secure for the holidays, and some other of such like mealy stuff, by + reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XV.—How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters. +</h2> +<p> + At the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that, + although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, + but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish, + whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or Depute + King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing + at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters; + because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but + blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and + to corrupt all the flower of youth. That it is so, take, said he, any + young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,—if he have not a + better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms + than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of + persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer of + Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should + be done. At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page + of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in + his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and + comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more + than of a human creature. Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this + young boy? He is not as yet full twelve years old. Let us try, if it + please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting + Mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now. The trial + pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin. Then Eudemon, + asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his + hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes + steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty, + standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; + first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge, + thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and, + in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with + all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up. In the + end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the + least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of + heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service. All + this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct + pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so + good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the + time past, than a youth of this age. But all the countenance that + Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his + face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from + him, no more than a fart from a dead ass. Whereat his father was so + grievously vexed that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said Des + Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he + pacified his wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his + wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with good + drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell. At least, + said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he should die + as drunk as a Switzer. Master Jobelin being gone out of the house, + Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmaster they should choose + for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that Ponocrates, the tutor of + Eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to + Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0016"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XVI.—How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce. +</h2> +<a name="image-0010"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-16-036.jpg" height="914" width="591" +alt="He Went to See the City--1-16-036 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + In the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the + country of Africa to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever + was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is + said that Africa always is productive of some new thing. She was as big as + six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesar's + horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little + horn on her buttock. She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture + of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was + little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of St. + Mark beside Langes: and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or + hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards are + upon the ears of corn. +</p> +<p> + If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian rams, + which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the Surian sheep, who need, + if Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it + is so long and heavy. You female lechers in the plain countries have no + such tails. And she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine + unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Grangousier saw her, Here + is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to Paris. So now, in the name of + God, all will be well. He will in times coming be a great scholar. If it + were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks. The next + morning—after they had drunk, you must understand—they took their + journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and with them + Eudemon, the young page. And because the weather was fair and temperate, + his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,—Babin calls them + buskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high + way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a + little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five-and-thirty + leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This forest was + most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that + it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses. But + Gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein + committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no + suspicion. For as soon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and + that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail, + and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them that she overthrew all the + wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise + and sidewise, over and under, and felled everywhere the wood with as much + ease as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there + been there neither wood nor dorflies: for all the country was thereby + reduced to a plain champaign field. Which Gargantua took great pleasure to + behold, and said to his company no more but this: Je trouve beau ce (I + find this pretty); whereupon that country hath been ever since that time + called Beauce. But all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a + little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the gentlemen of Beauce do as + yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very + good, and do spit the better for it. At last they came to Paris, where + Gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his + folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and + what wine they drunk there. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0017"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XVII.—How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the great bells of Our Lady's Church. +</h2> +<a name="image-0011"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-17-038.jpg" height="895" width="576" +alt="Gargantua Visiting the Shops--1-17-038 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the + city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the + people of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature, + that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with + cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, + shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical + preacher. And they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to + rest himself upon the towers of Our Lady's Church. At which place, seeing + so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards + will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my Proficiat. It is + but good reason. I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in + sport. Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his + mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed them, that he + drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides + the women and little children. Some, nevertheless, of the company escaped + this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher + end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, + they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in + jest. Carimari, carimara: golynoly, golynolo. By my sweet Sanctess, we + are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;—in French, Par ris, for + which that city hath been ever since called Paris; whose name formerly was + Leucotia, as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the Greek word leukotes, + whiteness,—because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place. And + forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new name, all the people that were + there swore everyone by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are + patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both + good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon Joanninus + de Barrauco, libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are + called Parisians from the Greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and + liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, which were in + the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously. Which whilst he + was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for + tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck when + she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with + Brie cheese and fresh herring. And indeed he forthwith carried them to his + lodging. In the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of St. + Anthony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish + stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was + in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away + privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that + they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. + This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the + city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight + occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations + wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice + restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold + inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the + shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I + might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish! Believe for + a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus + sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then + was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia. There was the case + proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells. + After they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that + they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto + Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they + sustain by the want of those bells. And notwithstanding the good reasons + given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an orator + than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Janotus de + Bragmardo. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0018"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XVIII.—How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. +</h2> +<p> + Master Janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his + most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate's hood, and having + sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, bread and + holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua, + driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five + or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the mire of the + streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them + so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of their wits, + which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the + company what this mummery meant. It was answered him, that they desired to + have their bells restored to them. As soon as Ponocrates heard that, he + ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready + to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua being + advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus, + steward of his house, Gymnastes, his esquire, and Eudemon, and very + summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do and what answer he + should give. They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the + goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like + roysters and line their jackets soundly. And that this cougher might not + be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were restored at his + request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the pot, for the + mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church, + unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had + propounded his commission. After that, in their hearing, he should + pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, the + sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0019"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XIX.—The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells. +</h2> +<p> + Hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day. Et vobis, my masters. It were but + reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of + them. Hem, hem, aihfuhash. We have oftentimes heretofore refused good + money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in + Brie, who would have bought them for the substantific quality of the + elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their + quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon + our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. For if we lose the + piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you + restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of + sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of + good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob, Domine, a + pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Ha, ha, a + pair of breeches is not so easily got; I have experience of it myself. + Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in matagrabolizing this + brave speech. Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et quae sunt Dei, Deo. + Ibi jacet lepus. By my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris, + by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin. Ego occiditunum + porcum, et ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we cannot make bad + Latin. Well, de parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras. Hold, I give you in + the name of the faculty a Sermones de Utino, that utinam you would give us + our bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? Per diem vos habebitis, et nihil + payabitis. O, sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. + They are useful to everybody. If they fit your mare well, so do they do + our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis facta + est eis, Psalmo nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my note-book, et est + unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument. Hem, hem, hem, haikhash! + For I prove unto you, that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor. + Omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellativo, bellare + facit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas. Ergo gluc, Ha, ha, + ha. This is spoken to some purpose. It is in tertio primae, in Darii, or + elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in + arguing, but now I am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup + of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a + good deep dish. Hei, Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et + Spiritus sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells: and God keep you from + evil, and our Lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula + seculorum, Amen. Hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash. +</p> +<p> + Verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul. Edepol, quoniam, ita certe, + medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an + ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals. Therefore be assured, + until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, + like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a + crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals. A certain + latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the + authority of one Taponnus,—I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular poet, + —who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a + foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his + brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines. But nac + petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse + malf, he was declared an heretic. We make them as of wax. And no more + saith the deponent. Valete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0020"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XX.—How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters. +</h2> +<p> + The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in + a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up + the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, + seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass + eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of + laughing. Together with them Master Janotus fell a-laughing too as fast as + he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes + did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by + which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the + optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing and + Heraclitus Democritizing. +</p> +<p> + When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his + retinue what should be done. There Ponocrates was of opinion that they + should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them + more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done, + that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his + pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of + logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a + deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. All + this was done as they did appoint: only Gargantua, doubting that they + could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew + not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale + fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more + easy caguing: or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and + comfort of his kidneys: or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the + bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with straight cannions, + having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of over-heating his + reins:—all which considered, he caused to be given him seven ells of white + cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of + arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and Master Janotus himself would + carry the cloth. One of the said masters, called Jousse Bandouille, showed + him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, + and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them. Ha, said Janotus, + baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et + figura. For lo, to this end serve the suppositions and parva logicalia. + Pannus, pro quo supponit? Confuse, said Bandouille, et distributive. I do + not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? It + is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, + sicut suppositum portat appositum. So did he carry it away very close and + covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did his cloth. The best was, that when + this cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with + great confidence required his breeches and sausages, and that they were + flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the + informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratis, and out + of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their + promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be + content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there. Reason? + said Janotus. We use none of it here. Unlucky traitors, you are not worth + the hanging. The earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are. I + know it well enough; halt not before the lame. I have practised wickedness + with you. By God's rattle, I will inform the king of the enormous abuses + that are forged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper, + if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, traitors, heretics and + seducers, enemies to God and virtue. +</p> +<p> + Upon these words they framed articles against him: he on the other side + warned them to appear. In sum, the process was retained by the court, and + is there as yet. Hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott + themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: + Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their noses, + until judgment were given by a definitive sentence. +</p> +<p> + By these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for + the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as + yet. The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next + Greek kalends, that is, never. As you know that they do more than nature, + and contrary to their own articles. The articles of Paris maintain that to + God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal; + for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, + according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c. But these thick + mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite + and immortal. In doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified + the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at Delphos, + that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and that pleaders + are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than + to the final decision of their pretended rights. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0021"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXI.—The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters the Sophisters. +</h2> +<p> + The first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own + place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered + to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took + in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere. I think + she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study + to the discretion of Ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he + should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what + means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and + ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that + ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o'clock, whether it was day + or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which + David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and + toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up + and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the + season: but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, + furred with fox-skins. Afterwards he combed his head with an Almain comb, + which is the four fingers and the thumb. For his preceptor said that to + comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in + this world. Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, + spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon, + and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good + fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store + of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat + of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed + together. Ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after + rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. + Gargantua answered, What! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself? I + have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose. + Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew his + physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. My + first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good + memory, and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine + but the better. And Master Tubal, who was the first licenciate at Paris, + told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes: so + doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking + in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde + versus, +</p> +<pre> + To rise betimes is no good hour, + To drink betimes is better sure. +</pre> +<p> + After that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they + carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered + breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little + more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard + six-and-twenty or thirty masses. This while, to the same place came his + orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted + whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the + vine-tree-syrup. With him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical + breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not + so much as one grain to the ground. As he went from the church, they + brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters + and aves of St. Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a + hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he + said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done. Then + did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; but, + as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen. Pissing then a full + urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he + began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes + of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other + forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his + mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls. + Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the + ease of his kidneys. When that was done, he ate according to the season + meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly + began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness. As for his drinking, he + had in that neither end nor rule. For he was wont to say, That the limits + and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh + swelleth up half a foot high. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0022"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXII.—The games of Gargantua. +</h2> +<p> + Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace, + he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog, + and talked jovially with his attendants. Then the carpet being spread, + they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of + chequers and chessboards. +</p> +<pre> +There he played. +At flush. At love. +At primero. At the chess. +At the beast. At Reynard the fox. +At the rifle. At the squares. +At trump. At the cows. +At the prick and spare not. At the lottery. +At the hundred. At the chance or mumchance. +At the peeny. At three dice or maniest bleaks. +At the unfortunate woman. At the tables. +At the fib. At nivinivinack. +At the pass ten. At the lurch. +At one-and-thirty. At doublets or queen's game. +At post and pair, or even and At the faily. + sequence. At the French trictrac. +At three hundred. At the long tables or ferkeering. +At the unlucky man. At feldown. +At the last couple in hell. At tod's body. +At the hock. At needs must. +At the surly. At the dames or draughts. +At the lansquenet. At bob and mow. +At the cuckoo. At primus secundus. +At puff, or let him speak that At mark-knife. + hath it. At the keys. +At take nothing and throw out. At span-counter. +At the marriage. At even or odd. +At the frolic or jackdaw. At cross or pile. +At the opinion. At ball and huckle-bones. +At who doth the one, doth the At ivory balls. + other. At the billiards. +At the sequences. At bob and hit. +At the ivory bundles. At the owl. +At the tarots. At the charming of the hare. +At losing load him. At pull yet a little. +At he's gulled and esto. At trudgepig. +At the torture. At the magatapies. +At the handruff. At the horn. +At the click. At the flowered or Shrovetide ox. +At honours. At the madge-owlet. +At pinch without laughing. At tilt at weeky. +At prickle me tickle me. At ninepins. +At the unshoeing of the ass. At the cock quintin. +At the cocksess. At tip and hurl. +At hari hohi. At the flat bowls. +At I set me down. At the veer and turn. +At earl beardy. At rogue and ruffian. +At the old mode. At bumbatch touch. +At draw the spit. At the mysterious trough. +At put out. At the short bowls. +At gossip lend me your sack. At the dapple-grey. +At the ramcod ball. At cock and crank it. +At thrust out the harlot. At break-pot. +At Marseilles figs. At my desire. +At nicknamry. At twirly whirlytrill. +At stick and hole. At the rush bundles. +At boke or him, or flaying the fox. At the short staff. +At the branching it. At the whirling gig. +At trill madam, or grapple my lady. At hide and seek, or are you all +At the cat selling. hid? +At blow the coal. At the picket. +At the re-wedding. At the blank. +At the quick and dead judge. At the pilferers. +At unoven the iron. At the caveson. +At the false clown. At prison bars. +At the flints, or at the nine stones.At have at the nuts. +At to the crutch hulch back. At cherry-pit. +At the Sanct is found. At rub and rice. +At hinch, pinch and laugh not. At whiptop. +At the leek. At the casting top. +At bumdockdousse. At the hobgoblins. +At the loose gig. At the O wonderful. +At the hoop. At the soily smutchy. +At the sow. At fast and loose. +At belly to belly. At scutchbreech. +At the dales or straths. At the broom-besom. +At the twigs. At St. Cosme, I come to adore +At the quoits. thee. +At I'm for that. At the lusty brown boy. +At I take you napping. At greedy glutton. +At fair and softly passeth Lent. At the morris dance. +At the forked oak. At feeby. +At truss. At the whole frisk and gambol. +At the wolf's tail. At battabum, or riding of the +At bum to buss, or nose in breech. wild mare. +At Geordie, give me my lance. At Hind the ploughman. +At swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou. At the good mawkin. +At stook and rook, shear and At the dead beast. + threave. At climb the ladder, Billy. +At the birch. At the dying hog. +At the muss. At the salt doup. +At the dilly dilly darling. At the pretty pigeon. +At ox moudy. At barley break. +At purpose in purpose. At the bavine. +At nine less. At the bush leap. +At blind-man-buff. At crossing. +At the fallen bridges. At bo-peep. +At bridled nick. At the hardit arsepursy. +At the white at butts. At the harrower's nest. +At thwack swinge him. At forward hey. +At apple, pear, plum. At the fig. +At mumgi. At gunshot crack. +At the toad. At mustard peel. +At cricket. At the gome. +At the pounding stick. At the relapse. +At jack and the box. At jog breech, or prick him +At the queens. forward. +At the trades. At knockpate. +At heads and points. At the Cornish c(h)ough. +At the vine-tree hug. At the crane-dance. +At black be thy fall. At slash and cut. +At ho the distaff. At bobbing, or flirt on the +At Joan Thomson. nose. +At the bolting cloth. At the larks. +At the oat's seed. At fillipping. +</pre> +<p> + After he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was + thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and, + immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a + fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours + together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened he + would shake his ears a little. In the mean time they brought him fresh + wine. There he drank better than ever. Ponocrates showed him that it was + an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is, answered Gargantua, the + very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally I sleep salt, + and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon. Then + began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of + beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old + mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding + and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin. + At his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the + spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper. And supped very + well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours + that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they + told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others he had + for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny. + After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the + books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards—or + the fair flush, one, two, three—or at all, to make short work; or else + they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets, + intermixed with collations and rear-suppers. Then did he sleep, without + unbridling, until eight o'clock in the next morning. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0023"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXIII.—How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day. +</h2> +<a name="image-0012"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-23-048.jpg" height="464" width="603" +alt="He Did Swim in Deep Waters--1-23-048 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + When Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to + bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering + that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence. + Therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned physician + of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it were + possible, how to bring Gargantua into a better course. The said physician + purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he + cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his brain. By this + means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his + ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, who had been + instructed under other musicians. To do this the better, they brought him + into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he + had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to improve his + parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying, + that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in + learning and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked, then, about four o'clock + in the morning. Whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto + him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a + pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page + born in Basche, named Anagnostes. According to the purpose and argument of + that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send + up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his majesty and + marvellous judgment. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion + of his natural digestions. There his master repeated what had been read, + expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points. In returning, + they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it + the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the + moon for that day. This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, + and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day + before. He himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some + practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute + sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was + fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. + This done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the + lecture, either unto a field near the university called the Brack, or unto + the meadows, where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the + piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at + a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly + they had done their minds. All their play was but in liberty, for they + left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over + all their body, or were otherwise weary. Then were they very well wiped + and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking soberly, went to see if + dinner was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and + eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture. + In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down + at table. At the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant + history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass + of wine. Then, if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to + discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety, + efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table; of bread, of + wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of + their dressing. By means whereof he learned in a little time all the + passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus, + Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore, + Aristotle, Aelian, and others. Whilst they talked of these things, many + times, to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to + the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things + above said, that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so + much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the + morning, and, ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of + quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, washed his hands + and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine + cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done, + they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks + and new inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means + he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and + supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards + and dice; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and + practical part thereof, that Tunstall the Englishman, who had written very + largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had + no skill at all. And not only in that, but in the other mathematical + sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, &c. For in waiting on the + concoction and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand + pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure + practise the astronomical canons. +</p> +<p> + After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or + five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased + them. In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute, + the virginals, the harp, the Almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and + the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge + his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study + for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures + as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to + draw and form the antique and Roman letters. This being done, they went + out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of Touraine, named the + Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding. Changing then his + clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish jennet, a + barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a + hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free + the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both + to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; for it is the + greatest foolery in the world to say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or + in fight. A carpenter can do even as much. But it is a glorious and + praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies. + Therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he + usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the + ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat and gauntlet. All + this he did in complete arms from head to foot. As for the prancing + flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of the horse, + commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The cavallerize of + Ferrara was but as an ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in + leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground, + and these horses were called desultories. He could likewise from either + side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and + rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful + in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he + so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management + of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it, that he passed + knight of arms in the field, and at all essays. +</p> +<p> + Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the + backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with + a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the hart, the + roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant, + the partridge, and the bustard. He played at the balloon, and made it + bound in the air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped—not + at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the + hare's leap, nor yet at the Almains; for, said Gymnast, these jumps are for + the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use—but at one leap he would + skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp + and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a + lance. He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways, + with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he + held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Seine without + wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius + Caesar; then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat, + from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the + depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. Then + turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the + stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one + hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted + the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the + decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the + helm. Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and + with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again. He climbed up at + trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel. He + did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo; then with + two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the + wall to the very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from + the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members that by the + fall he would catch no harm. +</p> +<p> + He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, + the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert. He broke the strongest bows + in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took + his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted + the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a + height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, sideways, + and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a cable-rope to the top of a + high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself + with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track came down so + sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more + assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees. There would he + hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would + go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness that + hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to exercise his + breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell. I heard him + once call Eudemon from St. Victor's gate to Montmartre. Stentor had never + such a voice at the siege of Troy. Then for the strengthening of his + nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them + weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, which they called + alteres. Those he took up from the ground, in each hand one, then lifted + them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of + an hour and more, which was an inimitable force. He fought at barriers + with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when it came to the + cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the + strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont + to do of old. In whose imitation, likewise, he held a pomegranate in his + hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. The time being thus + bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other + clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows, + or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with + what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as Theophrast, + Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home + to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called Rizotomos + had charge; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks, + cabbies, pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborizing. + Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated + certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to table. Here + remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to + prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large, + for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which, + indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic, + although a rabble of loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling + shop of sophisters, counsel the contrary. During that repast was continued + the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent + in good discourse, learned and profitable. After that they had given + thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious + instruments, or otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with + cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain with cups and + balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making + themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they + would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in + strange and remote countries. When it was full night before they retired + themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face + of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the + figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the + fixed stars and planets. +</p> +<p> + Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the + Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood + in the whole course of that day. +</p> +<p> + Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and + strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless + bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they + recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future. Which being + done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0024"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXIV.—How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. +</h2> +<p> + If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all + the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with + this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct + the distempers of the air. But after dinner, instead of their wonted + exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, a + making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in bottling + up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn + at the barn. Then they studied the art of painting or carving; or brought + into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as + our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing they examined the + passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is mentioned or any + metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, + or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries did work; as also the + goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones. Nor did they omit to visit the + alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers, + watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, and other such + kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did + learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. They went + also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the + repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and + sermons of evangelical preachers. He went through the halls and places + appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at + all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as, + yea, more than, they. And, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops + of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the + fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some + foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. He went to see the + jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their + cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of + those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave + givers of fibs, in matter of green apes. +</p> +<p> + At their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times, + and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate + moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitive, + might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any + prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was Gargantua + governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day + profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a + pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued. Which, although at + the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, + and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the + study of a scholar. Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this + vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some + fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either + towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charanton bridge, or to + Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the + greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking + healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, + unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs. + But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not + spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain + pleasant verses of Virgil's agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politian's + husbandry, would set a-broach some witty Latin epigrams, then immediately + turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the French language. + In their feasting they would sometimes separate the water from the wine + that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, and Pliny with + an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then take it out + again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go from one glass + to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to + say, moving of themselves. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0025"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXV.—How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars. +</h2> +<p> + At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest, + when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the + starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne happened + to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve + horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to + give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market. For + here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast + hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red + grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that + are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt + the length of a hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and + oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and + conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage + thinkers. The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to + their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, + calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy + rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy + loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, + cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets, + drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, + forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base + loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, + blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish + loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels, + gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer + flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other + suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to + eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the + coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf. To + which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest fellow + of his person and a notable springal, made answer very calmly thus: How + long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud? Indeed + formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us + have any for our money? This is not the part of good neighbours, neither + do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you + make your cakes and buns. Besides that, we would have given you to the + bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent + it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you + after the like manner, and therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime + man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou + art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too + much millet and bolymong. Come hither, sirrah, come hither, I will give + thee some cakes. Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity + went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking + that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes. But, instead of cakes, + he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the + marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them, then would have fled + away; but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help, + help, help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he + carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his + head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, + that Marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead than living man. + Meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their walnuts + near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, + and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon + green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable + shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and + throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail. At last + they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their + cakes. Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them + over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries. Then + did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most + shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution + they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the + cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Seville and Sinays. This done, the + shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, + and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, + scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day + met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the + morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's leg some fair great red + medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was + quickly cured. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0026"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXVI.—How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden. +</h2> +<p> + The cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did + either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their king, called + Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their + panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes + taken away, but, above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying that + all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, + near the broad highway beyond Seville. Picrochole incontinent grew angry + and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore, + commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country, + that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain of the + halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the + castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he + caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilst his dinner was + making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to + display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains + with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and + victuals. At dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his express + edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were + numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or firelocks, together + with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers. The great + Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein + were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double + cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons, + bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of great guns. The + rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood. In the main battle was + the king and the princes of his kingdom. Thus being hastily furnished, + before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen, + under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the country, clear the + avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them. But, after + they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace + and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole + understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his + colours. Then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or + file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, + destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor + nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away + oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, + hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and + such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the + hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, + that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with + none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them + that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always + carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had + never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus + suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not + desist, God would punish them very shortly. To which expostulations and + remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to + eat cakes. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0027"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXVII.—How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. +</h2> +<a name="image-0013"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-27-060.jpg" height="626" width="873" +alt="The Monks Knew Not--1-27-060 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last + they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all + they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. + Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they + nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that + was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a + most wonderful case. For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians, + chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to + heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of + the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any + harm at all. Whence comes this to pass, my masters? I beseech you think + upon it. The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a + horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against + them. Whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or + ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven companies of foot and two hundred + lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to waste, + spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place. The + monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their sancts + they should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the + bells ad capitulum capitulantes. There it was decreed that they should + make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies + contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. +</p> +<p> + There was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar John of the + funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, + lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, + wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler + of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word, + a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked a + monkery: for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary. + This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of + the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that + they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the + foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the + church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many + bell-melters. Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, + tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, + nenum, num: It is well shit, well sung, said he. By the virtue of God, + why do not you sing, Panniers, farewell, vintage is done? The devil snatch + me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut so well + both vines and grapes, that, by Cod's body, there will not be found for + these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly of + Sanct James, what shall we poor devils drink the while? Lord God! da mihi + potum. Then said the prior of the convent: What should this drunken + fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine + service. Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so + that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of + the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth + dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm. But these responses that + you chant here, by G—, are not in season. Wherefore is it, that our + devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, + and long in the advent, and all the winter? The late friar, Massepelosse, + of good memory, a true zealous man, or else I give myself to the devil, of + our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in + this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whiff it up. + Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cop's body, follow me; for + Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one + drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine. + Hog's belly, the goods of the church! Ha, no, no. What the devil, Sanct + Thomas of England was well content to die for them; if I died in the same + cause, should not I be a sanct likewise? Yes. Yet shall not I die there + for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them + a-packing. +</p> +<p> + As he spake this he threw off his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon + the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbapple-tree, it + being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little + powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was + almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted + jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and in this + equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so + lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or + ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the + vineyard. For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their + standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides: the drummers had + knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes: + the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of + clusters: in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder. + He hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, + that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking + athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the + old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he + crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till + their ribs cracked with it. To others again he unjointed the spondyles or + knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made + their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and balammed them + that they fell down before him like hay before a mower. To some others he + spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their + thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their + mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook + asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated their shins, + mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges + their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their + knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and + so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so + thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen's flails as were the + pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless + baton of the cross. If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of + the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, + and dashed his reins like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he + made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, which is a seam + in the hinder part of the skull. If anyone did scramble up into a tree, + thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at + the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha, + Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you, + to you I render myself! So thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou + wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in + hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, + raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their coming + and despatch them a-going. If any was so rash and full of temerity as to + resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his + muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at + the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. Others, again, he so + quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under the hollow of their + short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately. To + some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff + swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a homepush on the navel + that he made their puddings to gush out. To others through their ballocks + he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their + body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his + violence. Believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one + saw. Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George. O the holy Lady + Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of Succours, said another, + help, help! Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretto, of Good Tidings, + on the other side of the water St. Mary Over. Some vowed a pilgrimage to + St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, which three + months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one + thread of it saved. Others sent up their vows to St. Cadouin, others to + St. John d'Angely, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes. Others again invoked + St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy + relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels. + Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in + speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted as loud as they could + Confession, Confession, Confiteor, Miserere, In manus! So great was the + cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came + forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines, + and wounded to death, confessed some of them. But whilst the priests were + busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran all to the place where + Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their + assistance. To which he answered that they should cut the throats of those + he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently, leaving their outer + habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those + whom he had already crushed. Can you tell with what instruments they did + it? With fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron + tool whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and + three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe + walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel, + and they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting + exploit. In the meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the + cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to + snatch up those that endeavoured to escape. Some of the monkitos carried + the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and + chambers to make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven + would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed + and felled them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and + are penitent souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons; + they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye + (like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap). Thus by his prowess and valour were + discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey, + unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides + the women and little children, which is always to be understood. Never did + Maugis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim's + staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four sons + of Aymon, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the + cross. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0028"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXVIII.—How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. +</h2> +<p> + Whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which + were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford of + Vede—a very especial pass—with all his soldiers, and set upon the rock + Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; and, because it + was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that + town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler. In the morning he + stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified + with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to + make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it + was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and + situation of it. But let us leave them there, and return to our good + Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good + letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier + his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great + fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in + drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, + wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of + the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. +</p> +<p> + Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines, + named Pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses + which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole, + King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, + wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at Seville, + which Friar John des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved; and + that at the same present time the said king was in the rock Clermond, and + there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself + and his whole army. Halas, halas, alas! said Grangousier, what is this, + good people? Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picrochole, my + ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to + invade me? What moves him? What provokes him? What sets him on? What + drives him to it? Who hath given him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my + God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do! I + protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did + him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least + robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, I have succoured and supplied + him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, upon any occasion wherein I + could be steadable for the improvement of his good. That he hath therefore + at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the + malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou knowest my courage, for + nothing can be hidden from thee. If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou + hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of + his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy + will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my + faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me? Alas, my old age + required hence-forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I + have laboured for nothing so much as peace; but now I must, I see it well, + load with arms my poor, weary, and feeble shoulders, and take in my + trembling hand the lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my + honest subjects. Reason will have it so; for by their labour am I + entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my + family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I have first + tried all the ways and means of peace: that I resolve upon. +</p> +<p> + Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed. + Whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto + Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and + invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, + that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the + preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need. All this + pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. + Presently therefore he sent the Basque his lackey to fetch Gargantua with + all diligence, and wrote him as followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0029"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXIX.—The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua. +</h2> +<p> + The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time + recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the + confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this + present disappointed the assurance of my old age. But seeing such is my + fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted + most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by + the right of nature belong unto thee. For even as arms are weak abroad, if + there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel + unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed + and put in effect. My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease—not + to assault, but to defend—not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful + subjects and hereditary dominions, into which Picrochole is entered in a + hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth + his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to + freeborn spirits. I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, + offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction; and + oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein, by whom, + and how he found himself to be wronged. But of him could I obtain no other + answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the + right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby I knew that the + eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual + appetite—which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not + continually guided—and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to + know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, + my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair + hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by + natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason + thou mayest save and preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little + effusion of blood as may be. And, if possible, by means far more + expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we + shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto + their own houses. My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer + be with thee. Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon. The + twentieth of September. + Thy Father Grangousier. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0030"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXX.—How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole. +</h2> +<p> + The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that + Ulric Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of + whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult + and debateful matters, (should) go unto Picrochole, to show what had been + decreed amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and + having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what + condition Picrochole was: who answered him that his soldiers had left him + neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock + Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of + the scouts, because they were enormously furious. Which he easily + believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller. +</p> +<p> + The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and + required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat + that concerned him. These words being told unto the king, he would by no + means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting upon the top of + the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What is the news, what have you to + say? Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0031"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXI.—The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. +</h2> +<p> + There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they + receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good + will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they + had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less + supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they + have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit or + subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have + fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light. It + is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full of high + displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile + coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved + with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine + upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of + inhumanity omitted. Which in itself is to him so grievous, for the cordial + affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it + cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human apprehension, is it + to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been + committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiquity, + thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with + him and all his ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred + together inviolably preserved, kept, and entertained, so well, that not he + and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, + Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that + of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set + up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and + have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared + to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which + is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few + nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of + the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon + your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as + high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort, that from + the memory of man there hath not been either prince or league so wild and + proud that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not + so much as those of your confederates. And if, by rash and heady counsel, + they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the + name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their + enterprises. What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all + old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, + thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him + or his in anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked? Where is faith? + Where is law? Where is reason? Where is humanity? Where is the fear of + God? Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the + eternal spirit and the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our + undertakings? If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things + shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed. + Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars, that would put an end + to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? For that all things have their end + and period, so as that, when they are come to the superlative point of + their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being + able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those + who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and + prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must + now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my king,—him by whom thou + wert established? If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in + its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so + unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be + conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, + till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that + nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated + themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of + their own depraved nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy + subjects and dominions—if we had favoured thy ill-willers—if we had not + assisted thee in thy need—if thy name and reputation had been wounded by + us—or, to speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce + thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy + conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything + unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first + to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to + admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to + thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be + contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? Wouldst thou, like + a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom? Hast + thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not—or so destitute of + men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot + withstand thy unjust invasion? March hence presently, and to-morrow, some + time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of + violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a thousand besans of + gold (which, in English money, amounteth to five thousand pounds), for + reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country. Half thou shalt + pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, leaving + with us in the mean time, for hostages, the Dukes of Turnbank, Lowbuttock, + and Smalltrash, together with the Prince of Itches and Viscount of + Snatchbit (Tournemoule, Bas-de-fesses, Menuail, Gratelles, Morpiaille.). +</p> +<a name="2HCH0032"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXII.—How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored. +</h2> +<p> + With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his + discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them, + —they have ballocks fair and soft,—they will knead and provide some cakes + for you. Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his knees + bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying + unto God that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and + bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. When the good + man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, what news do you bring me? + There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet; the man is quite out of his + wits, and forsaken of God. Yea, but, said Grangousier, my friend, what + cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not show me any cause at + all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes. + I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers. I will know, + said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon + what is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and + found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from + Picrochole's people, and that Marquet's head was broken with a slacky or + short cudgel; that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said + Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs. + And it seemed good to his whole council, that he should defend himself with + all his might. Notwithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the + question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am + very unwilling to wage war against him. He inquired then what quantity of + cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or + five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same + night; and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, + fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon + Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand + and three Philips (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five + thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money), for reparation of his + losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had + dressed his wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in + freehold the apple-orchard called La Pomardiere. For the conveyance and + passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them + gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, + wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, + and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby + to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they + came to buy it. +</p> +<p> + Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from + Grangousier. Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak + with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should + deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece + of ordnance upon the wall. Then said the good man unto him, My lord, to + ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not + return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the + cakes upon which the quarrel arose. Five dozen did our people take away: + they were well paid for: we love peace so well that we restore unto you + five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most + complain. Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred + thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and, for the losses he + may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the + Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without + the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or + service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed. And, for God's + sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily + into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right + at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as + before. Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more + exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some + purpose. By G—, Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor drinker. + He is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it. He knows + better how to empty the flagons,—that is his art. I am of opinion that it + is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the rest, that very + speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune. But what! + Do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed you thus with cakes? + You may see what it is. The good usage and great familiarity which you + have had with them heretofore hath made you contemptible in their eyes. + Anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a villain, and he will anoint + you (Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.). +</p> +<p> + Sa, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by St. James you have given a true character + of them. One thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon. We are here but + badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly. If + Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out + of all your soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to + each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but + too soon. We shall have, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and + feeding-stuff. Came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight, indeed, said + Touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules + force is exiled. Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, and forthwith + seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen + and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they + would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the + morrow after. Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier, + and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope + left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0033"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIII.—How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in extreme danger. +</h2> +<p> + The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came + before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and + Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, Sir, + this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince + that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be + covered, said Picrochole. Gramercy, said they, we do but our duty. The + manner is thus. You shall leave some captain here to have the charge of + this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which, + besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and + fortresses of your devising. Your army you are to divide into two parts, + as you know very well how to do. One part thereof shall fall upon + Grangousier and his forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first + shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath + store of ready coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and generous + prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish + trick. The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards + Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony. Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and + Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and + forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you + shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal, + shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be + supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. By copsody, Spain + will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass by + the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately + than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the + narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea. +</p> +<p> + Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your + slave. I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life. + Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. And you shall + conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), Corone, + yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, + Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustic and + Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia + Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then + God b'w'ye, Rome. (Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear.) By my + faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pantoufle. +</p> +<p> + Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all + ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes + heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. I + would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto. No, no, said they, + that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail eastwards, and take + Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea. + It is ours, by St. Trenian. The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great + Soldan is not comparable to you in power. I will then, said he, cause + Solomon's temple to be built. No, said they, not yet, have a little + patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you + tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festina lente. It is requisite that you + first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, + Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, + Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and + Mount Sinai? There is no need, said they, at this time. Have we not + hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted + and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the + three Arabias? Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are + undone. Ha, poor souls! What's the matter? said they. What shall we + have, said he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Augustus with his + whole army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already, said they, + given order for that. In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and + fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. They arrived + at Port Joppa. There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen + hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about + Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the + Mecca caravan. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but, + said he, we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said they, not of a + fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy + of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and + your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris. But, + said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows + that unworthy swillpot Grangousier? They are not idle, said they. We + shall meet with them by-and-by. They shall have won you Brittany, + Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have + passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a + party of these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy, + even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from + the naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in + Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria, + Austria, Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, + Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even + unto the frozen sea. This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and + subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the + sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, + Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, + Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople. Come, said Picrochole, let us + go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also. Shall + we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans? What a devil should we + do else? said they. And you shall give their goods and lands to such as + shall have served you honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, that is + but just. I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine. + Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you. + God grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an + old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had + been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse, + said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or + interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself + rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to + dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests? What shall be the end + of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that + when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. But, said + Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long + and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than + unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? O, said + Swashbuckler, by G—, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves + in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life + amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like Sardanapalus. He + that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon. He who + adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered + Malchon. Enough, said Picrochole, go forward. I fear nothing but that + these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will + come on our backs and charge up our rear. What course shall we then take? + What shall be our remedy? A very good one, said Dirt-tail; a pretty little + commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into + the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war. + Oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, I should for the + lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I + strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, said Picrochole, + make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0034"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIV.—How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country, and how + Gymnast encountered with the enemy. +</h2> + +<p> + In this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he + had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already + passed the Nunnery-bridge, himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, who + all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took + post-horses. The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a + slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments. + As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a farmer of + Gouguet how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and + had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and + Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not + leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of Billard. These + strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed + over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor + do. But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at + all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should + be better advised in their business. Which they did incontinently, and + found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was + of opinion that they should send some one of his company to scout along and + discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, + that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. + Gymnast offered himself to go. Whereupon it was concluded, that for his + safety and the better expedition, he should have with him someone that knew + the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went + he and Prelingot, the equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon's horse, who scouted + and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. In + the meantime Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the + like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine + of oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels. + Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy's + forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and + pillaging all they could lay their hands on. And, as far off as they could + perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste + towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles. Then + cried he out unto them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare + me. I have yet one crown left. Come, we must drink it, for it is aurum + potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome. Afterwards + take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew + better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G—, to tear asunder and + devour a hen, than I that am here: and for my proficiat I drink to all good + fellows. With that he unscrewed his borracho (which was a great Dutch + leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very honestly. The + maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and + putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but + Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to + him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold, + captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of + La Faye Monjau. What! said Tripet, this fellow gibes and flouts us? Who + art thou? said Tripet. I am, said Gymnast, a poor devil (pauvre diable). + Ha, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou + shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils + pass everywhere without toll or tax. But it is not the custom of poor + devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me + have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do + it: for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0035"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXV.—How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's men. +</h2> +<p> + When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and + blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a + devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of the + trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his + codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos. If thou be of God, speak; + if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going. Yet he + went not away. Which words being heard by all the soldiers that were + there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the + place. All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore + making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising + himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his + thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather + feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith + launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the + saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head. + Now, said he, my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same very + posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to + the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its + former stance, without missing one jot. Ha, said Tripet, I will not do + that at this time, and not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have + failed, I will undo this leap. Then with a marvellous strength and + agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol + as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind-bow of the + saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his + whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and + whirled himself about three times. At the fourth, reversing his body, and + overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything, + he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, springing with all his + body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture, + turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called + the miller's pass. After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the + middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby + seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on + horseback. This done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and + placed himself like one that rides in croup. But, said he, it were better + for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon + the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only + supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, + and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good + settlement. Then with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell + to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made + above a hundred frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out + across, and in so doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark + mad, devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold! +</p> +<p> + Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one + another, By cock's death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised. Ab + hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they + had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth + away a goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast, spying his advantage, + alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the + thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them in great heaps, + hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had + been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, + which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor + devil. Only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his + horseman's sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt + nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke. Whereupon, turning + suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and upon the back of that, + whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the + breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the + colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in + falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled + with the pottage. +</p> +<p> + This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of + great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period, + and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, + without troubling or stretching it too far. Wherefore, getting to horse, + he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelinguand + with him. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0036"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVI.—How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they passed the ford. +</h2> +<a name="image-0014"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-36-076.jpg" height="603" width="872" +alt="How Gargantua Passed the Ford--1-36-076 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had + found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all + their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, + thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they + might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell + and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare, + accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great + tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin's tree, because + heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim's staff there, which in tract of + time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is that which I lacked; + this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance. With that he pulled + it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. In + the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such + abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss + of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the + water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with + great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand + towards the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of Vede, + was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within + the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are + you there, or are you not there? If you be there, be there no more; and if + you are not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian gunner, whose + charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at + him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his + head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of + a wine-grape at him. What is this? said Gargantua; do you throw at us + grape-kernels here? The vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that + the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel. +</p> +<p> + Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when + they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they + shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and + arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him + that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put + out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, + thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had + been but dunflies. Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other + flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle. Then was it that + he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows + overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, + by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going + from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the + ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill + and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were + destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. There they were at a stand, + consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses. + But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough. + The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the damned souls. + By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall + pass there. Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall stick in the way. Then + setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing + nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had + accustomed him, according to the doctrine of Aelian, not to fear armour, + nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did + the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at + his horse's feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his + hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. The + other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse's + fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat + chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There + was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down + the rest of the villain's tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out + his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was + thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of + the burst guts of that great looby. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0037"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVII.—How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of his hair. +</h2> +<p> + Being come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to + Grangousier's castle, who waited for them with great longing. At their + coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with + embraces. Never was seen a more joyful company, for Supplementum + Supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my + part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for + anybody else. The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and + combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the + Jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants, + whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, + at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of + the wood of Vede. Which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had + been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this + far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague? I did not mean + that thou shouldst reside there. Then answered Ponocrates, My sovereign + lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they + call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct + Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there: + for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, + the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house, + than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college. And if I + were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and + burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be + exercised before their eyes. Then, taking up one of these bullets, he + said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received + by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of + Vede. +</p> +<p> + But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of + the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those whom + the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke. My + opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; for + occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you may not + recall her,—she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is + bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again. Truly, said + Grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast + this night, and bid you welcome. +</p> +<p> + This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily + fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, + three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three + hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score + partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and + Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred + crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three + hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. + For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars, + which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord + of Gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent + by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, ringdoves, and + woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers, + francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovellers, + woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, + flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles, + turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, and + water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and + store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety. Without doubt there + was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, Hotchpot, and + Brayverjuice, Grangousier's cooks. Jenkin Trudgeapace and Cleanglass were + very careful to fill them drink. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0038"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXVIII.—How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad. +</h2> +<p> + The story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims + who came from Sebastian near to Nantes, and who for shelter that night, + being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the + chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces. Gargantua finding himself + somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad; + and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country, for + they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would go thither + himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal + carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that they did not + dare to speak nor cough. +</p> +<p> + Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to + another softly, What shall we do? We are almost drowned here amongst these + lettuce, shall we speak? But if we speak, he will kill us for spies. And, + as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the + lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the White + Friars of the Cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he + ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already + swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally + hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and nothing + else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the + horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not? said Gargantua, they are + good all this month: which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the staff, + and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a + terrible draught of excellent white wine. The pilgrims, thus devoured, + made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their + bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape + from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And + when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned + in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the + gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless, skipping with their bourdons, as St. + Michael's palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of + that inundation under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, + groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in + safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the + mandibulary sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great + pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt. To ease himself + therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his toothpicker, and rubbing + towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my + gentlemen pilgrims. +</p> +<p> + For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, + another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor + fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the + codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it + pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously + tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis. The pilgrims, thus + dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain + ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for + all was ready. I will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which + he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet + from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of + a tuft of trees. Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that + for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on + a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to + take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the + industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being + gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto + Coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words + of one of their company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed them that this + adventure had been foretold by the prophet David, Psalm. Quum exsurgerent + homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the + salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar. Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, + forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught. Torrentem + pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the + thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is, + the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet + from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum. + Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in + the trap. Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos liberati sumus. + Adjutorium nostrum, &c. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0039"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XXXIX.—How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. +</h2> +<p> + When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed + their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily, + Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between + him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had + triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for + his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then + Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with + him they might consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, by a joint + consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his + staff of the cross, upon Grangousier's mule. When he was come, a thousand + huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. Ha, + Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the + devil! Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful. I + must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it. Come, my cod, let + me coll thee till I kill thee. And Friar John, the gladdest man in the + world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and + graciously received than Friar John. Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool + here close by me at this end. I am content, said the monk, seeing you will + have it so. Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my + liver. Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. Deposita cappa, + said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Ho, by G—, gentlemen, said the + monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which opposeth my laying of it + down. Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter! This frock breaks both + your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the monk, let me alone with + it; for, by G—, I'll drink the better that it is on. It makes all my body + jocund. If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to + themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines. And, + which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. But if in this habit I sit down + at table, I will drink, by G—, both to thee and to thy horse, and so + courage, frolic, God save the company! I have already supped, yet will I + eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow + as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus' boot (butt), and always open like + a lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge + or the thigh of a nun. Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a + stiff catso? Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon. In that, + said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and + pullets which they carry away they never eat the white. Why? said the + monk. Because, said Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if + they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the + redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, + whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, + crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling. By God's + feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head + well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. The + thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose + of the truel,—what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are + always fresh and cool? This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in + Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three + causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed. Primo, + because the water runs all along by it. Secundo, because it is a shady + place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines. And thirdly, + because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north + winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the + codpiece. And lusty, my lads. Some bousing liquor, page! So! crack, + crack, crack. O how good is God, that gives us of this excellent juice! I + call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would + have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet. And + the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these + gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and + left their good master in the lurch. I hate that man worse than poison + that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh + that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years! By G—, I + should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia. A plague take them; + why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince + in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to + perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running + away? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore, + friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there. +</p> +<p> + Diavolo, is there no more must? No more sweet wine? Germinavit radix + Jesse. Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for + thirst. This wine is none of the worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I + give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for + all comers six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the high + kilderkins? Oh the good fellow that he is! But I do not know what fly + hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student. For my part, I + study not at all. In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which + disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. Our late abbot was + wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By G—, + master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes. + You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not anywhere + come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon. My Lord Belloniere promised me a + lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy. The + partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up + our ears. I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold + that I am like to founder myself at that sport. If I do not run, toil, + travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is that in leaping + over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind + it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he + suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord + Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him. Did I ill? No, Friar John, said + Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no! So, said the monk, do I + attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G—, + what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? By the body of + G—, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen. + How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John. It is only, said the + monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours of a Ciceronian + rhetoric. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0040"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XL.—Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. +</h2> + +<p> + By the faith of a Christian, said Eudemon, I do wonderfully dote and enter + in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this + monk, for he makes us here all merry. How is it, then, that they exclude + the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers of + mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the + drones from their hives? Ignavum fucos pecus, said Maro, a praesepibus + arcent. Hereunto, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the + frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions + of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds. The + peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the + world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and + excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive + places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political + conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are. But if you + conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed, + you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and + old. The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the plough + as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carrieth no + burden as a horse doth. That which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil, + and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, + frumperies, and bastinadoes. +</p> +<p> + After the same manner a monk—I mean those lither, idle, lazy monks—doth + not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and + defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and + diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the + evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and + things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth. Therefore is + it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. Yea, + but, said Grangousier, they pray to God for us. Nothing less, answered + Gargantua. True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they + trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. Right, said the + monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said. They mumble out + great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say + many paternosters interlarded with Ave-Maries, without thinking upon or + apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking + of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for us, and + not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat + pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places + and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the Mediator prayeth + and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is + our good Friar John; therefore every man desireth to have him in his + company. He is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and divided betwixt + reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but + honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, he labours, he + defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps + the close of the abbey. Nay, said the monk, I do a great deal more than + that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and anniversaries in the + choir, I make withal some crossbow-strings, polish glass bottles and bolts, + I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch coneys. I am never + idle. But now, hither come, some drink, some drink here! Bring the fruit. + These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able + to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets. You are not as + yet, it seems, well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must. + By G—, I drink to all men freely, and at all fords, like a proctor or + promoter's horse. Friar John, said Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs + at your nose. Ha, ha, said the monk, am not I in danger of drowning, + seeing I am in water even to the nose? No, no, Quare? Quia, though some + water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well + antidoted with pot-proof armour and syrup of the vine-leaf. +</p> +<p> + Oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly + fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause, said + Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose? Because, said + Grangousier, that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form and for + such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter + fashioneth his vessels. Because, said Ponocrates, he came with the first + to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the + greatest. Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but, + according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had + soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in + as in so much butter. The hard breasts of nurses make children + short-nosed. But hey, gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I + never eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the bibbery. Item, bring + me rather some toasts. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0041"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLI.—How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. +</h2> +<p> + Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded + that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what + manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should + take a little rest the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could + not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon + the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or + prayers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms, + to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased + Gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as + they came to the words Beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the + other. But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of + claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being + up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear + voice, the song: +</p> +<pre> + Awake, O Reinian, ho, awake! + Awake, O Reinian, ho! + Get up, you no more sleep must take; + Get up, for we must go. +</pre> +<p> + When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual + saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking. Let + us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at + night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can. What, said + Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep? This is not to live according to + the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour + and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. Oh, well + physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be + not more old drunkards than old physicians! I have made this paction and + covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with + myself, for to that I every day give very good order; then the next morning + it also riseth with me and gets up when I am awake. Mind you your charges, + gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will. I will get me to my + drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring. What drawer or tiring do you + mean? said Gargantua. My breviary, said the monk, for just as the + falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg + to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by + taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs and + am presently ready to drink. +</p> +<p> + After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers + of yours? After the manner of Whipfield (Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.), + said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he + that will. I never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they + are made for the man and not the man for them. Therefore is it that I make + my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when + I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat + scyphos. Where is that written? By my faith, said Ponocrates, I cannot + tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold. Therein, said the + monk, I am like you; but, venite, apotemus. Then made they ready store of + carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with + sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased. Some kept him company, and + the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. + Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. And they + armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back + and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of + the cross. Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pie, and + mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing + shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, + and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of + Grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, + mounted like St. George, and everyone of them having an arquebusier behind + him. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0042"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLII.—How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a tree. +</h2> +<a name="image-0015"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-42-086.jpg" height="886" width="561" +alt="Valiant Champions on Their Adventure--1-42-086 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full + resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take + heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle. And + the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I + will conduct you safely. God and Sanct Benedict be with us! If I had + strength answerable to my courage, by's death, I would plume them for you + like ducks. I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm + by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that will + preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire-weapons and + engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it. + Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish + pranks amongst them. By G—, whoever of our party shall offer to play the + duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I + do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock, + which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. Did you never hear of my Lord + Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields? He put a + frock about his neck: by the body of G—, there was neither hare nor fox + that could escape him, and, which is more, he lined all the bitches in the + country, though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis et + maleficiatis. +</p> +<p> + The monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree, + in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the + stump of a great branch of the said tree. Nevertheless, he set his spurs + so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur, + that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor, + let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, + whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the monk + left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, + swearing also that he was betrayed. Eudemon perceived him first, and + calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua, + being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he + hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him to + Absalom; for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by + the ears. Help me, said the monk, in the devil's name; is this a time for + you to prate? You seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, who say + that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought, upon + pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his + confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace, than + otherwise to help and relieve him. +</p> +<p> + And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be + drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga + seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and + succour in fishing after them. Be quiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my + minion. I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for + thou art a pretty little gentle monachus. Monachus in claustro non valet + ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta. I have seen above five + hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his + dangling and pendilatory swagging. Truly, if I had so good a one, I would + willingly hang thus all my lifetime. What, said the monk, have you almost + done preaching? Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the + name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall repent + it, tempore et loco praelibatis. +</p> +<p> + Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree, + lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the + armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken + branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. As + soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one + piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of + the cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his + running away. Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0043"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLIII.—How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken prisoner by his enemies. +</h2> +<a name="image-0016"><!--IMG--></a> +<center> +<img src="images/1-43-088.jpg" height="605" width="845" +alt="I Hear the Enemy, Let Us Rally--1-43-088 +"> +</center> +<!--IMAGE END--> +<p> + Picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and + defeat wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should + have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at + which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet (Hastiveau, Touquedillon.), concluded his + power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they + should come to jostle with his forces. This Picrochole did not fully + believe, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the + command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country, + the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses + for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and everyone for + their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to + serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with + devils, that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water as of the stars + which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish. +</p> +<p> + In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came + near to the Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guyon, and to the spital, but + could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little + back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what + intelligence they could come by in those parts. In which resolution riding + on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to Coudray + hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled, + as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and + requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards + Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were + with him, Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, + and they are ten times in number more than we. Shall we charge them or no? + What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their + number rather than by their valour and prowess? With this he cried out, + Charge, devils, charge! Which when the enemies heard, they thought + certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all + of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted, + who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk + with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but, coming against + his horrific frock, the point of the iron being with the blow either broke + off or blunted, it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against + an anvil with a little wax-candle. +</p> +<p> + Then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump + and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he + made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horse's + feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said + unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a + monk; by St. John, I am a perfect monk, I will kill them to you like flies. + Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the + rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst + and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue + them. To whom Gargantua answered, By no means; for, according to right + military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that + such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage, which was + before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help or outrage of + relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to + hope for no favour at all. How many victories have been taken out of the + hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied + with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy + their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the + defeat of his fellows. Open, therefore, unto your enemies all the gates + and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you + may be rid of them. Yea, but, said Gymnast, they have the monk. Have they + the monk? said Gargantua. Upon mine honour, then, it will prove to their + cost. But to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here + quietly as in an ambush; for I think I do already understand the policy and + judgment of our enemies. They are truly more directed by chance and mere + fortune than by good advice and counsel. In the meanwhile, whilst these + made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging + all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper + who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have + rifled him. The pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried + out, Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me, I beseech + you, save me! Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they + instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made + this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as + thick as they use to do an ass with wood. But of all this he felt nothing, + especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. Then + they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about, + saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and + his party were fled. Then was it that they rode as hard as they could + towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all + alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise + and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track + and beating of the enemy's horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of + them come in a troop and full body against us. Let us rally and close + here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to + receive their charge to their loss and our honour. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0044"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLIV.—How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picrochole's forlorn hope was defeated. +</h2> +<p> + The monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they + were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was + wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. Then considered he the + countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have + willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were + always looking towards the valley unto which they were going. Farther, he + syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for + they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from me. + Suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman's sword, wherewith he + gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he + cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or transparent + arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the + gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and, + redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and + third vertebrae. There fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. + Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who, + seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried + with a loud voice, Ha, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior, + quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior. And the monk cried + likewise, My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have + it upon your posteriorums. Ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion, + my gentle lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot. By the habit, said the + monk, which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal. What! do you use to + pay ransoms to religious men? You shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat + of my giving. And the fellow cried, Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my + lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all! Ha, ha, hes, no, + my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, I yield, render and deliver + myself up to you. And I deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in + hell. Then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the + temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two + triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together + with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the + right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal + or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges + or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain's two + posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his + shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor's + bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground + stark dead. +</p> +<p> + And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the + enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad + highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter + that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, + Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly + and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense + and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form + of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze + or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither + without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, + breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man + can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him. So fled these + people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued + by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived. The monk, + perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels, + alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way, + and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and + with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or + sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two pieces. + Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently, + and that the rest should escape to carry news. Therefore he took up a + battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, + passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst + the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance, + nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound he made to + alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there + with him under the hedge, and also Touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0045"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLV.—How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them. +</h2> +<p> + This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the + monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in + his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory. And seeing them + all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of + the monk. Gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the + monk. Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier; which was + very true. Therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the + monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the + doing unto one a mischief. Then commanded he a good breakfast to be + provided for their refreshment. When all was ready, they called Gargantua, + but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would + neither eat nor drink. In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate + of the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast my + friend! Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along + with him five pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua + likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome + that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him + of all his adventures. The monk told him all, both how he was taken, how + he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and + how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him Captain + Touchfaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily. In + the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were, + whence they came, and whither they went. Sweer-to-go in the name of the + rest answered, My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berry, this man is + of Palvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, this of St. Nazarand, and + this man of Villebrenin. We come from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are + now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys. Yea, but, said + Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian? We went, said + Sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague. Ah, + poor men! said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from Saint + Sebastian? Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us so + indeed. But is it so, said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach you + such abuses? Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to + make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,—as + Homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by + Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous + gods. So did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at Sinay, + that Saint Anthony sent the fire into men's legs, that Saint Eutropius made + men hydropic, Saint Clidas, fools, and that Saint Genou made them goutish. + But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that + since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my + territories. And truly I wonder that your king should suffer them in their + sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they + deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical + art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country. The + pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our + very souls. As he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and + asked them, Whence are you, you poor wretches? Of Saint Genou, said they. + And how, said the monk, does the Abbot Gulligut, the good drinker,—and the + monks, what cheer make they? By G— body, they'll have a fling at your + wives, and breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming + rant and gadding pilgrimage. Hin, hen, said Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid + of mine, for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come + to her in the night-time. Yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it. + Let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once, by the Lord G—, + be overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near + to her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber. Let me + be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your + return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful. It is, + said Gargantua, like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and + Pliny, Lib. 7, cap. 3. What virtue will there be then, said the monk, in + their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies? +</p> +<p> + Then, said Grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the + Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not + so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys. Look to your + families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and + live as the good apostle St. Paul directeth you; in doing whereof, God, his + angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any + time shall befall you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their + refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O + how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord! We have been + more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, than by all + the sermons that ever were preached in our town. This is, said Gargantua, + that which Plato saith, Lib. 5 de Republ., that those commonwealths are + happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers rule. Then caused + he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their bottles with wine, + and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with + some pence to live by. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0046"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLVI.—How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner. +</h2> +<p> + Touchfaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the + enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or + aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden + invasion. Whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer + all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers. It + is too great an undertaking, said Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He + that grips too much, holds fast but little. The time is not now as + formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build up + our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian Brother. This + imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios, + Caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the + gospel of Christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and + govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to + invade others; and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called + prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness. It + would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within + the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult + and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most + unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have + increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction. + Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your king + what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular + profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit. As for + your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse + be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends, + seeing this our difference is not properly war. As Plato, Lib. 5 de + Repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the Greeks took up + arms against one another, and that therefore, when such combustions should + arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of + them with all discretion and modesty. Although you call it war, it is but + superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our + hearts. For neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there + any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, by the bye, + some petty faults committed by our men,—I mean, both yours and ours, + which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome + persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing I + offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. God shall be the just + judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of + this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine + eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. These + words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all thus spoke unto him, + Friar John, my good friend, it is you that took prisoner the Captain + Touchfaucet here present? Sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and + that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by + his confession than by any words of mine. Then said Touchfaucet, My + sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely + yield myself his prisoner. Have you put him to any ransom? said + Grangousier to the monk. No, said the monk, of that I take no care. How + much would you have for having taken him? Nothing, nothing, said the monk; + I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it. Then Grangousier commanded + that, in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the monk for + taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in English + money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, whilst + they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom + Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to + return to his king. Touchfaucet answered that he was content to take + whatever course he would advise him to. Then, said Grangousier, return + unto your king, and God be with you. +</p> +<p> + Then he gave him an excellent sword of a Vienne blade, with a golden + scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith's + work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two + thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of + the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten + thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present. +</p> +<p> + After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety + allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to attend + him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the + rock Clermond, if there were need. As soon as he was gone, the monk + restored unto Grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he + had received, saying, Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such + gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents + may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for + going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that + will quickly pass away. Coin is the sinews of war. Well then, said + Grangousier, at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as + also all those who shall do me good service. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0047"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLVII.—How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole. +</h2> +<p> + About this same time those of Besse, of the Old Market, of St. James' + Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of + the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brehemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, + of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Segre, of Husse, + of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of Coulaines, of + Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croullay, + of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent + ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the + great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient + confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men, + money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war. The money + which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six + score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. The + forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand + cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine + thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers. + These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double + cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones + known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes. Of + pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six + months and four days of advance. Which offer Gargantua did not altogether + refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he + would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be + found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of + it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing + along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the + Deviniere, of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the + number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand + foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred + pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand + light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated + with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such + like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of + warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear + and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so + prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they + seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the + wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers. +</p> +<p> + Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before + Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, + and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments + to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be + the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right + nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received + anything but good. And in regard of the main point, that they should never + be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and + mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that + Grangousier could easily overthrow them. +</p> +<p> + He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that + prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know + Touchfaucet is. For I see his courage so changed that he had willingly + joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would + have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised + and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it + happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they + always the wicked and the traitors in abomination. +</p> +<p> + Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and + therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his + left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his + body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame. + Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet's new sword + and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent + workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith + to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf? Then immediately + commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and + that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood. Afterwards he + appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of + Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch. +</p> +<p> + The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the + army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that + Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of + this enterprise will be. I see your men much dejected, and not well + resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided + of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four + sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your + enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do not see + how we can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you + are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you. Let them come, + let them come, if they dare. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0048"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLVIII.—How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said Picrochole. +</h2> +<p> + Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier + stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great + rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus set + forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with + boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice. Then + considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous + place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in + deliberation upon what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto him, My + sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they + are worth nothing but at the first push. Then are they more fierce than + devils. But if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they'll + prove more faint and remiss than women. My opinion is, therefore, that now + presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you + give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly. His + advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth + his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or + rising of a little hill. The monk took along with him six companies of + foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed + the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto + the highway which leads to Loudun. Whilst the assault was thus begun, + Picrochole's men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and + receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir. Himself + in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the + cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained + with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds + on which the artillery was planted. Whereupon the Gargantuists betook + themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range + with the larger scope. +</p> +<p> + Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot + passed over us without doing us any hurt at all. Some of Picrochole's men + that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but + prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there + knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would + have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they + were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion + that could be imagined. +</p> +<p> + Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk + withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose + their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town + upon them. Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he + sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill + upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate; which + Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the + conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but + they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered. +</p> +<p> + Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those + that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both + from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows. Which Gargantua perceiving, + he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began + to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all + the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn + thither. The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men + and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did + most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never + left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the + reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than + those that deal about them with they hands in the fight. +</p> +<p> + Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the + wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his + entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were + with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the + edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the + horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east + gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear + overthrew all their forces. +</p> +<p> + The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and + that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves + unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very + nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting + them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the + crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. Then + opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But + Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town, + adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most + desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend + Friar John, you are come in a good hour. Which unexpected accident so + affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook + themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them + till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then + sounded the retreat. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0049"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.XLIX.—How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battle. +</h2> +<p> + Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way + to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so + incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; + then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an + ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his + bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue + with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old + canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went along this poor + choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, and relating his + misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag that his + kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which + she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him since we cannot certainly + tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and pettish + in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation + inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting + assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he + shall be re-established in his kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did + after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men, + which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or + wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates, + who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. Then he caused them + all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little + refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink + and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers + and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that + there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing + it was his own. And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the + soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and + to their own hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them + altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to + receive six months' pay completely. All which was done. After this, by + his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that + remained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes, + nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0050"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.L.—Gargantua's speech to the vanquished. +</h2> +<p> + Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and + disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather, + for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies + and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by + architecture in the lands which they had conquered. For they did hold in + greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality + than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the + injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone. You may very + well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons in + the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay. You + have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at + the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and + ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois. All this + hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations + which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre, + not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of + Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine + regions of Britany. Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and + vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? Whereas + other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics, + would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him + to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him + kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness + and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts, + laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship. What fell out + upon it? Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where + all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them + the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take + such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be + edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of + our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was + voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up + entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us + according to our pleasure. +</p> +<p> + Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and + thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not + only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides. + For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone + in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs, + and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, + black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was accounted no good mother's + son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had. +</p> +<p> + Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his + feet. That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not + permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced. He offered his + presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive: he + yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole + posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of, + because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered, by virtue of the decree + of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to + him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all + those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the + parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free goodwill and simple + meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father's heart that + he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by + choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish + the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any + courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour + soever he had showed them he was bound to do it. But so much the more did + Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the issue? Whereas for his + ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, + could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns, + and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they + made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year + two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine. The first year we + received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord + they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third + year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and + do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be + constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of + gratitude and true thankfulness. For time, which gnaws and diminisheth all + things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of + liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous + thinking of it and remembering it. +</p> +<p> + Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary + mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you from + all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and + every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at + your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months' + pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe + convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct + of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not + do you any injury. God be with you! I am sorry from my heart that + Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand that this + war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either + my goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where + nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his + son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old, + shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men + of the kingdom. And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, + if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to + administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, I ordain and will + have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his + governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that + he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule + and govern by himself. +</p> +<p> + Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and + dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit + wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of + receiving favour. I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his + time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people + of Israel. I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an + emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent + than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always + save and pardon every man—he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain + places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. After the example + of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me + before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime + cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and + overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in + checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time; + and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of + Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking, + praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0051"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LI.—How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. +</h2> +<p> + When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required + were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and Smalltrash, + who ran away six hours before the battle—one of them as far as to + Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third + even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way—and + two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantua did them no + other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his + printing-house which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he + caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and + gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great + hospital or nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to + the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all + the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had + sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming + against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be + built there with a competent garrison to maintain it. At his departure he + did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at + this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several + stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field + on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he + brought along with himself unto Grangousier. +</p> +<p> + At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not + possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most magnificent, + plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king + Ahasuerus. At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his + whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen + bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of gold, in great + antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets, + candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, + besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all + men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto + every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of + twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And, further, he gave to each + of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease + without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most + commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast, + the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle, + Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast; + Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0052"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LII.—How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme. +</h2> +<p> + There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made + Abbot of Seville, but he refused it. He would have given him the Abbey of + Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased + him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never + take upon him the charge nor government of monks. For how shall I be able, + said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of + myself? If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable + service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy. The + motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the + country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the + great forest of Port-Huaulx. The monk then requested Gargantua to + institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said + Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other + abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. See, said the monk, and not + without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing); + where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy, + and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the + world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest + women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; + therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious + orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be + thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And because + in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and + regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should + be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and + incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said + Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours. + What good comes of it? Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world + than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and + not by his own judgment and discretion. +</p> +<p> + Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as + were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen, + fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those + that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple + sots, or peevish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. A + woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a nun + of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks. + Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted + no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor + men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned. +</p> +<p> + Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily, + and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be + no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women. +</p> +<p> + Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders + after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained + and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was + therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this + abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment + whensoever it should seem good to them so to do. +</p> +<p> + Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows, + to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore + constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably + married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the + legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above + which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted + from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0053"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LIII.—How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed. +</h2> +<p> + For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered + out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and + one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on + the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until + the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns + of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the + receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for + ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred, + three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, + exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and + payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent + passed a very good grant. The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and + in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a + great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like + form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the + bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east, + there was another called Calaer,—the next following Anatole,—the next + Mesembrine,—the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was + distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole + edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground + for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the + rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in + the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an + endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and + animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt, + together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt + the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to + the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried + all away unto the river from under the house. +</p> +<p> + This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than + ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine + thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had + a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat + passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower in + the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as + we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which + is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a + kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of + serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those + steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the + just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it, + landing-place. In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where + the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with + and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs + of the house ended conically in a pavilion. By that vise or winding they + entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the + chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great + libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish, + respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the + diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or + winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch + six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six + men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride + all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower Anatole to the + Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with + the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. In the + midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said + there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in great antique + letters that which followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0054"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LIV.—The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme. +</h2> +<p> + Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, + Externally devoted apes, base snites, + Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns, + Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons: + Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts, + Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants, + Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls, + Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls, + Fomenters of divisions and debates, + Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits. +</p> +<pre> + Your filthy trumperies + Stuffed with pernicious lies + (Not worth a bubble), + Would do but trouble + Our earthly paradise, + Your filthy trumperies. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter not attorneys, barristers, + Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners: + Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, + Wilful disturbers of the people's ease: + Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath, + Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death. + Your salary is at the gibbet-foot: + Go drink there! for we do not here fly out + On those excessive courses, which may draw + A waiting on your courts by suits in law. +</p> +<pre> + Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling + Hence are exiled, and jangling. + Here we are very + Frolic and merry, + And free from all entangling, + Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter not base pinching usurers, + Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers, + Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, + Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests + Vast sums of money should to you afford, + Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, + And yet not be content,—you clunchfist dastards, + Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards, + Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, + Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs. +</p> +<pre> + You beastly-looking fellows, + Reason doth plainly tell us + That we should not + To you allot + Room here, but at the gallows, + You beastly-looking fellows. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter not fond makers of demurs + In love adventures, peevish, jealous curs, + Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils, + Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils, + Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns, + Thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with frowns, + Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous, + Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,— + Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place, + No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace. +</p> +<pre> + Grace, honour, praise, delight, + Here sojourn day and night. + Sound bodies lined + With a good mind, + Do here pursue with might + Grace, honour, praise, delight. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts, + All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts. + This is the glorious place, which bravely shall + Afford wherewith to entertain you all. + Were you a thousand, here you shall not want + For anything; for what you'll ask we'll grant. + Stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk, + Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk, + Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades, + And, in a word, all worthy gentle blades. +</p> +<pre> + Blades of heroic breasts + Shall taste here of the feasts, + Both privily + And civilly + Of the celestial guests, + Blades of heroic breasts. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true + Expounders of the Scriptures old and new. + Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but + Make it to see the clearer, and who shut + Its passages from hatred, avarice, + Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice. + Come, settle here a charitable faith, + Which neighbourly affection nourisheth. + And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence, + Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense. +</p> +<pre> + The holy sacred Word, + May it always afford + T' us all in common, + Both man and woman, + A spiritual shield and sword, + The holy sacred Word. +</pre> +<p> + Here enter you all ladies of high birth, + Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth, + Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair, + Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, + Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious, + Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious. + Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete, + Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet, + Come joys enjoy. The Lord celestial + Hath given enough wherewith to please us all. +</p> +<pre> + Gold give us, God forgive us, + And from all woes relieve us; + That we the treasure + May reap of pleasure, + And shun whate'er is grievous, + Gold give us, God forgive us. +</pre> +<a name="2HCH0055"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LV.—What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had. +</h2> +<p> + In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair + alabaster. Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their + cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their + breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. The + inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of + chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique + fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned + with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns: with rhinoceroses, + water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and + other things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the ladies, for so + we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto the + gate Mesembrine. The men possessed the rest. Before the said lodging of + the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first + towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for + tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public + playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in + three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary + accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. By the river-side was the fair + garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth. + Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the + balloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all + fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was + the great park, abounding with all sort of venison. Betwixt the third + couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun, + an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow. The office-houses + were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high. The stables were + beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by + ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly + supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, now called + Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons, + goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds + of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves + sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to + catch whatever they encountered. The venery, where the beagles and hounds + were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park. +</p> +<p> + All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with + tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the + seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green + cloth. The beds were all embroidered. In every back-chamber or + withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame + of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness + that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of + the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls which + belong to the ladies' lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through + whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies. Those + sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the + spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them + gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous + exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0056"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LVI.—How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled. +</h2> +<p> + The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own + pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they + have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth. + They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which + reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with + exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter's art. Their + garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a + little both over and under. Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either + of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles. +</p> +<p> + Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk + camlet: above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red, + tawny, grey, or of any other colour. Above this taffety petticoat they had + another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and + interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the + temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin, + damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, + blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of + cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with + purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and + times wherein they wore them. +</p> +<p> + Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth + of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold + purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge, + silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold + wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden + threads, in divers variously purfled draughts. +</p> +<p> + In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, + made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of + violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or + with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with + little Indian pearls. They always carried a fair panache, or plume of + feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with + glistering spangles of gold. In the winter time they had their taffety + gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich + furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet + skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value. + Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all + of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, + sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent + margarites. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, + according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French + fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of + Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they + were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more + honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity. +</p> +<p> + The men were apparelled after their fashion. Their stockings were of + tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained + colour. Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their + stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy. + Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin, + damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably + trimmed up in perfection. The points were of silk of the same colours; the + tags were of gold well enamelled. Their coats and jerkins were of cloth of + gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought + fit. Their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies. Their + girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets. Every one had a + gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the + scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold, + and pure goldsmith's work. The dagger was of the same. Their caps or + bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold. + Upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by + so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more + sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was + such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they + were apparelled in the same livery. And that they might not miss, there + were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what + vestments the ladies would on that day wear: for all was done according to + the pleasure of the ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments + so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any + time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and + apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled, + that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from + head to foot. And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency, + there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a + league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries, + jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers, + tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own + trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp. + They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord + Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas and + Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and + precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and + lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art + they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to + give casting unto hawks. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0057"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LVII.—How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living. +</h2> +<p> + All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to + their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds when they + thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to + it and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to + constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had + Gargantua established it. In all their rule and strictest tie of their + order there was but this one clause to be observed, +</p> +<p> + Do What Thou Wilt; +</p> +<p> + because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest + companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto + virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. + Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought + under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they + formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of + servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable + with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is + denied us. +</p> +<p> + By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of + them what they saw did please one. If any of the gallants or ladies should + say, Let us drink, they would all drink. If any one of them said, Let us + play, they all played. If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields + they went all. If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted + upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on + their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a + sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the + other kinds of hawks. So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he + nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical + instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all + very quaintly, both in verse and prose. Never were seen so valiant + knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and + a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better + handling all manner of weapons than were there. Never were seen ladies so + proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready + with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action + belonging to that sex, than were there. For this reason, when the time + came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents, + or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with + him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his + mistress, and (they) were married together. And if they had formerly in + Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and + increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did + entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less + vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding. Here must not I + forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as + they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate, + and it was thus as followeth. +</p> +<a name="2HCH0058"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + Chapter 1.LVIII.—A prophetical Riddle. +</h2> +<pre> +Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day, +Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say: +If it be lawful firmly to believe +That the celestial bodies can us give +Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet; +Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get +As may with confidence make us discourse +Of years to come, their destiny and course; +I to my hearers give to understand +That this next winter, though it be at hand, +Yea and before, there shall appear a race +Of men who, loth to sit still in one place, +Shall boldly go before all people's eyes, +Suborning men of divers qualities +To draw them unto covenants and sides, +In such a manner that, whate'er betides, +They'll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt, +With both your friends and kindred to fall out. +They'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord, +And children their own parents; in a word, +All reverence shall then be banished, +No true respect to other shall be had. +They'll say that every man should have his turn, +Both in his going forth and his return; +And hereupon there shall arise such woes, +Such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's, +That never were in history such coils +Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils. +Then shall you many gallant men see by +Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency, +Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time, +Live but a while, and perish in their prime. +Neither shall any, who this course shall run, +Leave off the race which he hath once begun, +Till they the heavens with noise by their contention +Have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's dimension. +Then those shall have no less authority, +That have no faith, than those that will not lie; +For all shall be governed by a rude, +Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; +The veriest lout of all shall be their judge, +O horrible and dangerous deluge! +Deluge I call it, and that for good reason, +For this shall be omitted in no season; +Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free, +Till suddenly you in great store shall see +The waters issue out, with whose streams the +Most moderate of all shall moistened be, +And justly too; because they did not spare +The flocks of beasts that innocentest are, +But did their sinews and their bowels take, +Not to the gods a sacrifice to make, +But usually to serve themselves for sport: +And now consider, I do you exhort, +In such commotions so continual, +What rest can take the globe terrestrial? +Most happy then are they, that can it hold, +And use it carefully as precious gold, +By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have +No help but him who being to it gave. +And to increase his mournful accident, +The sun, before it set in th' occident, +Shall cease to dart upon it any light, +More than in an eclipse, or in the night,— +So that at once its favour shall be gone, +And liberty with it be left alone. +And yet, before it come to ruin thus, +Its quaking shall be as impetuous +As Aetna's was when Titan's sons lay under, +And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder. +Inarime did not more quickly move, +When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove, +And for despite into the sea them threw. + Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, +And changed suddenly, when those that have it +To other men that after come shall leave it. +Then shall it be high time to cease from this +So long, so great, so tedious exercise; +For the great waters told you now by me, +Will make each think where his retreat shall be; +And yet, before that they be clean disperst, +You may behold in th' air, where nought was erst, +The burning heat of a great flame to rise, +Lick up the water, and the enterprise. + It resteth after those things to declare, +That those shall sit content who chosen are, +With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,) +And richly recompensed every man: +The others at the last all stripp'd shall be, +That after this great work all men may see, +How each shall have his due. This is their lot; +O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not! +</pre> +<p> + No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching + a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I + perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with + the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted. But happy is that man + that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in + aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without + being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature. +</p> +<p> + The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and + signified by this riddle? What? said Gargantua,—the progress and carrying + on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my + exposition. It is the style of the prophet Merlin. Make upon it as many + grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest + of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive no other + meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure + terms. The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly + friends. After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of + the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They believe the + first that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are the + heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the + rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is + the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh + themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly + they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained. And so, + farewell! +</p> +<p> + End book 1</p> + +<div style="height: 6em;"><br><br><br><br><br><br></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK I. *** + +***** This file should be named 8166-h.htm or 8166-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/6/8166/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. + Five Books Of The Lives, Heroic Deeds And Sayings Of Gargantua And + His Son Pantagruel + + +Author: Francois Rabelais + +Release Date: August 8, 2004 [EBook #8166] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK I. *** + + + + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + + + + + +MASTER FRANCIS RABELAIS + + +FIVE BOOKS OF THE LIVES, HEROIC DEEDS AND SAYINGS OF + +GARGANTUA AND HIS SON PANTAGRUEL + + +[Illustration: He Did Cry Like a Cow--frontispiece] + + +[Illustration: titlepage] + + +Translated into English by + +Sir Thomas Urquhart of Cromarty + +and + +Peter Antony Motteux + + + + +The text of the first Two Books of Rabelais has been reprinted from the +first edition (1653) of Urquhart's translation. Footnotes initialled 'M.' +are drawn from the Maitland Club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the +translator. Urquhart's translation of Book III. appeared posthumously in +1693, with a new edition of Books I. and II., under Motteux's editorship. +Motteux's rendering of Books IV. and V. followed in 1708. Occasionally (as +the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by Motteux have been restored from +the 1738 copy edited by Ozell. + + +[Illustration: Rabelais Dissecting Society--portrait2] + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + + +[Illustration: Francois Rabelais--portrait] + + +Introduction. + +Had Rabelais never written his strange and marvellous romance, no one would +ever have imagined the possibility of its production. It stands outside +other things--a mixture of mad mirth and gravity, of folly and reason, of +childishness and grandeur, of the commonplace and the out-of-the-way, of +popular verve and polished humanism, of mother-wit and learning, of +baseness and nobility, of personalities and broad generalization, of the +comic and the serious, of the impossible and the familiar. Throughout the +whole there is such a force of life and thought, such a power of good +sense, a kind of assurance so authoritative, that he takes rank with the +greatest; and his peers are not many. You may like him or not, may attack +him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him. He is of those that +die hard. Be as fastidious as you will; make up your mind to recognize +only those who are, without any manner of doubt, beyond and above all +others; however few the names you keep, Rabelais' will always remain. + +We may know his work, may know it well, and admire it more every time we +read it. After being amused by it, after having enjoyed it, we may return +again to study it and to enter more fully into its meaning. Yet there is +no possibility of knowing his own life in the same fashion. In spite of +all the efforts, often successful, that have been made to throw light on +it, to bring forward a fresh document, or some obscure mention in a +forgotten book, to add some little fact, to fix a date more precisely, it +remains nevertheless full of uncertainty and of gaps. Besides, it has been +burdened and sullied by all kinds of wearisome stories and foolish +anecdotes, so that really there is more to weed out than to add. + +This injustice, at first wilful, had its rise in the sixteenth century, in +the furious attacks of a monk of Fontevrault, Gabriel de Puy-Herbault, who +seems to have drawn his conclusions concerning the author from the book, +and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph of Ronsard, +piqued, it is said, that the Guises had given him only a little pavillon in +the Forest of Meudon, whereas the presbytery was close to the chateau. +From that time legend has fastened on Rabelais, has completely travestied +him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a +vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard. + +The likeness of his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis. He has +been credited with a full moon of a face, the rubicund nose of an +incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips always apart because always +laughing. The picture would have surprised his friends no less than +himself. There have been portraits painted of Rabelais; I have seen many +such. They are all of the seventeenth century, and the greater number are +conceived in this jovial and popular style. + +As a matter of fact there is only one portrait of him that counts, that has +more than the merest chance of being authentic, the one in the Chronologie +collee or coupee. Under this double name is known and cited a large sheet +divided by lines and cross lines into little squares, containing about a +hundred heads of illustrious Frenchmen. This sheet was stuck on pasteboard +for hanging on the wall, and was cut in little pieces, so that the +portraits might be sold separately. The majority of the portraits are of +known persons and can therefore be verified. Now it can be seen that these +have been selected with care, and taken from the most authentic sources; +from statues, busts, medals, even stained glass, for the persons of most +distinction, from earlier engravings for the others. Moreover, those of +which no other copies exist, and which are therefore the most valuable, +have each an individuality very distinct, in the features, the hair, the +beard, as well as in the costume. Not one of them is like another. There +has been no tampering with them, no forgery. On the contrary, there is in +each a difference, a very marked personality. Leonard Gaultier, who +published this engraving towards the end of the sixteenth century, +reproduced a great many portraits besides from chalk drawings, in the style +of his master, Thomas de Leu. It must have been such drawings that were +the originals of those portraits which he alone has issued, and which may +therefore be as authentic and reliable as the others whose correctness we +are in a position to verify. + +Now Rabelais has here nothing of the Roger Bontemps of low degree about +him. His features are strong, vigorously cut, and furrowed with deep +wrinkles; his beard is short and scanty; his cheeks are thin and already +worn-looking. On his head he wears the square cap of the doctors and the +clerks, and his dominant expression, somewhat rigid and severe, is that of +a physician and a scholar. And this is the only portrait to which we need +attach any importance. + +This is not the place for a detailed biography, nor for an exhaustive +study. At most this introduction will serve as a framework on which to fix +a few certain dates, to hang some general observations. The date of +Rabelais' birth is very doubtful. For long it was placed as far back as +1483: now scholars are disposed to put it forward to about 1495. The +reason, a good one, is that all those whom he has mentioned as his friends, +or in any real sense his contemporaries, were born at the very end of the +fifteenth century. And, indeed, it is in the references in his romance to +names, persons, and places, that the most certain and valuable evidence is +to be found of his intercourse, his patrons, his friendships, his +sojournings, and his travels: his own work is the best and richest mine in +which to search for the details of his life. + +Like Descartes and Balzac, he was a native of Touraine, and Tours and +Chinon have only done their duty in each of them erecting in recent years a +statue to his honour, a twofold homage reflecting credit both on the +province and on the town. But the precise facts about his birth are +nevertheless vague. Huet speaks of the village of Benais, near Bourgeuil, +of whose vineyards Rabelais makes mention. As the little vineyard of La +Deviniere, near Chinon, and familiar to all his readers, is supposed to +have belonged to his father, Thomas Rabelais, some would have him born +there. It is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that Chinon was +his native town; Chinon, whose praises he sang with such heartiness and +affection. There he might well have been born in the Lamproie house, which +belonged to his father, who, to judge from this circumstance, must have +been in easy circumstances, with the position of a well-to-do citizen. As +La Lamproie in the seventeenth century was a hostelry, the father of +Rabelais has been set down as an innkeeper. More probably he was an +apothecary, which would fit in with the medical profession adopted by his +son in after years. Rabelais had brothers, all older than himself. +Perhaps because he was the youngest, his father destined him for the +Church. + +The time he spent while a child with the Benedictine monks at Seuille is +uncertain. There he might have made the acquaintance of the prototype of +his Friar John, a brother of the name of Buinart, afterwards Prior of +Sermaize. He was longer at the Abbey of the Cordeliers at La Baumette, +half a mile from Angers, where he became a novice. As the brothers Du +Bellay, who were later his Maecenases, were then studying at the University +of Angers, where it is certain he was not a student, it is doubtless from +this youthful period that his acquaintance and alliance with them should +date. Voluntarily, or induced by his family, Rabelais now embraced the +ecclesiastical profession, and entered the monastery of the Franciscan +Cordeliers at Fontenay-le-Comte, in Lower Poitou, which was honoured by his +long sojourn at the vital period of his life when his powers were ripening. +There it was he began to study and to think, and there also began his +troubles. + +In spite of the wide-spread ignorance among the monks of that age, the +encyclopaedic movement of the Renaissance was attracting all the lofty +minds. Rabelais threw himself into it with enthusiasm, and Latin antiquity +was not enough for him. Greek, a study discountenanced by the Church, +which looked on it as dangerous and tending to freethought and heresy, took +possession of him. To it he owed the warm friendship of Pierre Amy and of +the celebrated Guillaume Bude. In fact, the Greek letters of the latter +are the best source of information concerning this period of Rabelais' +life. It was at Fontenay-le-Comte also that he became acquainted with the +Brissons and the great jurist Andre Tiraqueau, whom he never mentions but +with admiration and deep affection. Tiraqueau's treatise, De legibus +connubialibus, published for the first time in 1513, has an important +bearing on the life of Rabelais. There we learn that, dissatisfied with +the incomplete translation of Herodotus by Laurent Valla, Rabelais had +retranslated into Latin the first book of the History. That translation +unfortunately is lost, as so many other of his scattered works. It is +probably in this direction that the hazard of fortune has most discoveries +and surprises in store for the lucky searcher. Moreover, as in this law +treatise Tiraqueau attacked women in a merciless fashion, President Amaury +Bouchard published in 1522 a book in their defence, and Rabelais, who was a +friend of both the antagonists, took the side of Tiraqueau. It should be +observed also in passing, that there are several pages of such audacious +plain-speaking, that Rabelais, though he did not copy these in his Marriage +of Panurge, has there been, in his own fashion, as out spoken as Tiraqueau. +If such freedom of language could be permitted in a grave treatise of law, +similar liberties were certainly, in the same century, more natural in a +book which was meant to amuse. + +The great reproach always brought against Rabelais is not the want of +reserve of his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness, +which is enough to spoil his whole work, and which lowers its value. La +Bruyere, in the chapter Des ouvrages de l'esprit, not in the first edition +of the Caracteres, but in the fifth, that is to say in 1690, at the end of +the great century, gives us on this subject his own opinion and that of his +age: + +'Marot and Rabelais are inexcusable in their habit of scattering filth +about their writings. Both of them had genius enough and wit enough to do +without any such expedient, even for the amusement of those persons who +look more to the laugh to be got out of a book than to what is admirable in +it. Rabelais especially is incomprehensible. His book is an enigma,--one +may say inexplicable. It is a Chimera; it is like the face of a lovely +woman with the feet and the tail of a reptile, or of some creature still +more loathsome. It is a monstrous confusion of fine and rare morality with +filthy corruption. Where it is bad, it goes beyond the worst; it is the +delight of the basest of men. Where it is good, it reaches the exquisite, +the very best; it ministers to the most delicate tastes.' + +Putting aside the rather slight connection established between two men of +whom one is of very little importance compared with the other, this is +otherwise very admirably said, and the judgment is a very just one, except +with regard to one point--the misunderstanding of the atmosphere in which +the book was created, and the ignoring of the examples of a similar +tendency furnished by literature as well as by the popular taste. Was it +not the Ancients that began it? Aristophanes, Catullus, Petronius, +Martial, flew in the face of decency in their ideas as well as in the words +they used, and they dragged after them in this direction not a few of the +Latin poets of the Renaissance, who believed themselves bound to imitate +them. Is Italy without fault in this respect? Her story-tellers in prose +lie open to easy accusation. Her Capitoli in verse go to incredible +lengths; and the astonishing success of Aretino must not be forgotten, nor +the licence of the whole Italian comic theatre of the sixteenth century. +The Calandra of Bibbiena, who was afterwards a Cardinal, and the Mandragola +of Machiavelli, are evidence enough, and these were played before Popes, +who were not a whit embarrassed. Even in England the drama went very far +for a time, and the comic authors of the reign of Charles II., evidently +from a reaction, and to shake off the excess and the wearisomeness of +Puritan prudery and affectation, which sent them to the opposite extreme, +are not exactly noted for their reserve. But we need not go beyond France. +Slight indications, very easily verified, are all that may be set down +here; a formal and detailed proof would be altogether too dangerous. + +Thus, for instance, the old Fabliaux--the Farces of the fifteenth century, +the story-tellers of the sixteenth--reveal one of the sides, one of the +veins, so to speak, of our literature. The art that addresses itself to +the eye had likewise its share of this coarseness. Think of the sculptures +on the capitals and the modillions of churches, and the crude frankness of +certain painted windows of the fifteenth century. Queen Anne was, without +any doubt, one of the most virtuous women in the world. Yet she used to go +up the staircase of her chateau at Blois, and her eyes were not offended at +seeing at the foot of a bracket a not very decent carving of a monk and a +nun. Neither did she tear out of her book of Hours the large miniature of +the winter month, in which, careless of her neighbours' eyes, the mistress +of the house, sitting before her great fireplace, warms herself in a +fashion which it is not advisable that dames of our age should imitate. +The statue of Cybele by the Tribolo, executed for Francis I., and placed, +not against a wall, but in the middle of Queen Claude's chamber at +Fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute which would have been more in +place on a statue of Priapus, and which was the symbol of generativeness. +The tone of the conversations was ordinarily of a surprising coarseness, +and the Precieuses, in spite of their absurdities, did a very good work in +setting themselves in opposition to it. The worthy Chevalier de +La-Tour-Landry, in his Instructions to his own daughters, without a thought +of harm, gives examples which are singular indeed, and in Caxton's +translation these are not omitted. The Adevineaux Amoureux, printed at +Bruges by Colard Mansion, are astonishing indeed when one considers that +they were the little society diversions of the Duchesses of Burgundy and of +the great ladies of a court more luxurious and more refined than the French +court, which revelled in the Cent Nouvelles of good King Louis XI. +Rabelais' pleasantry about the woman folle a la messe is exactly in the +style of the Adevineaux. + +A later work than any of his, the Novelle of Bandello, should be kept in +mind--for the writer was Bishop of Agen, and his work was translated into +French--as also the Dames Galantes of Brantome. Read the Journal of +Heroard, that honest doctor, who day by day wrote down the details +concerning the health of Louis XIII. from his birth, and you will +understand the tone of the conversation of Henry IV. The jokes at a +country wedding are trifles compared with this royal coarseness. Le Moyen +de Parvenir is nothing but a tissue and a mass of filth, and the too +celebrated Cabinet Satyrique proves what, under Louis XIII., could be +written, printed, and read. The collection of songs formed by Clairambault +shows that the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were no purer than the +sixteenth. Some of the most ribald songs are actually the work of +Princesses of the royal House. + +It is, therefore, altogether unjust to make Rabelais the scapegoat, to +charge him alone with the sins of everybody else. He spoke as those of his +time used to speak; when amusing them he used their language to make +himself understood, and to slip in his asides, which without this sauce +would never have been accepted, would have found neither eyes nor ears. +Let us blame not him, therefore, but the manners of his time. + +Besides, his gaiety, however coarse it may appear to us--and how rare a +thing is gaiety!--has, after all, nothing unwholesome about it; and this is +too often overlooked. Where does he tempt one to stray from duty? Where, +even indirectly, does he give pernicious advice? Whom has he led to evil +ways? Does he ever inspire feelings that breed misconduct and vice, or is +he ever the apologist of these? Many poets and romance writers, under +cover of a fastidious style, without one coarse expression, have been +really and actively hurtful; and of that it is impossible to accuse +Rabelais. Women in particular quickly revolt from him, and turn away +repulsed at once by the archaic form of the language and by the +outspokenness of the words. But if he be read aloud to them, omitting the +rougher parts and modernizing the pronunciation, it will be seen that they +too are impressed by his lively wit as by the loftiness of his thought. It +would be possible, too, to extract, for young persons, without +modification, admirable passages of incomparable force. But those who have +brought out expurgated editions of him, or who have thought to improve him +by trying to rewrite him in modern French, have been fools for their pains, +and their insulting attempts have had, and always will have, the success +they deserve. + +His dedications prove to what extent his whole work was accepted. Not to +speak of his epistolary relations with Bude, with the Cardinal d'Armagnac +and with Pellissier, the ambassador of Francis I. and Bishop of Maguelonne, +or of his dedication to Tiraqueau of his Lyons edition of the Epistolae +Medicinales of Giovanni Manardi of Ferrara, of the one addressed to the +President Amaury Bouchard of the two legal texts which he believed antique, +there is still the evidence of his other and more important dedications. +In 1532 he dedicated his Hippocrates and his Galen to Geoffroy d'Estissac, +Bishop of Maillezais, to whom in 1535 and 1536 he addressed from Rome the +three news letters, which alone have been preserved; and in 1534 he +dedicated from Lyons his edition of the Latin book of Marliani on the +topography of Rome to Jean du Bellay (at that time Bishop of Paris) who was +raised to the Cardinalate in 1535. Beside these dedications we must set +the privilege of Francis I. of September, 1545, and the new privilege +granted by Henry II. on August 6th, 1550, Cardinal de Chatillon present, +for the third book, which was dedicated, in an eight-lined stanza, to the +Spirit of the Queen of Navarre. These privileges, from the praises and +eulogies they express in terms very personal and very exceptional, are as +important in Rabelais' life as were, in connection with other matters, the +Apostolic Pastorals in his favour. Of course, in these the popes had not +to introduce his books of diversions, which, nevertheless, would have +seemed in their eyes but very venial sins. The Sciomachie of 1549, an +account of the festivities arranged at Rome by Cardinal du Bellay in honour +of the birth of the second son of Henry II., was addressed to Cardinal de +Guise, and in 1552 the fourth book was dedicated, in a new prologue, to +Cardinal de Chatillon, the brother of Admiral de Coligny. + +These are no unknown or insignificant personages, but the greatest lords +and princes of the Church. They loved and admired and protected Rabelais, +and put no restrictions in his way. Why should we be more fastidious and +severe than they were? Their high contemporary appreciation gives much +food for thought. + +There are few translations of Rabelais in foreign tongues; and certainly +the task is no light one, and demands more than a familiarity with ordinary +French. It would have been easier in Italy than anywhere else. Italian, +from its flexibility and its analogy to French, would have lent itself +admirably to the purpose; the instrument was ready, but the hand was not +forthcoming. Neither is there any Spanish translation, a fact which can be +more easily understood. The Inquisition would have been a far more serious +opponent than the Paris' Sorbonne, and no one ventured on the experiment. +Yet Rabelais forces comparison with Cervantes, whose precursor he was in +reality, though the two books and the two minds are very different. They +have only one point in common, their attack and ridicule of the romances of +chivalry and of the wildly improbable adventures of knight-errants. But in +Don Quixote there is not a single detail which would suggest that Cervantes +knew Rabelais' book or owed anything to it whatsoever, even the +starting-point of his subject. Perhaps it was better he should not have +been influenced by him, in however slight a degree; his originality is the +more intact and the more genial. + +On the other hand, Rabelais has been several times translated into German. +In the present century Regis published at Leipsic, from 1831 to 1841, with +copious notes, a close and faithful translation. The first one cannot be +so described, that of Johann Fischart, a native of Mainz or Strasburg, who +died in 1614. He was a Protestant controversialist, and a satirist of +fantastic and abundant imagination. In 1575 appeared his translation of +Rabelais' first book, and in 1590 he published the comic catalogue of the +library of Saint Victor, borrowed from the second book. It is not a +translation, but a recast in the boldest style, full of alterations and of +exaggerations, both as regards the coarse expressions which he took upon +himself to develop and to add to, and in the attacks on the Roman Catholic +Church. According to Jean Paul Richter, Fischart is much superior to +Rabelais in style and in the fruitfulness of his ideas, and his equal in +erudition and in the invention of new expressions after the manner of +Aristophanes. He is sure that his work was successful, because it was +often reprinted during his lifetime; but this enthusiasm of Jean Paul would +hardly carry conviction in France. Who treads in another's footprints must +follow in the rear. Instead of a creator, he is but an imitator. Those +who take the ideas of others to modify them, and make of them creations of +their own, like Shakespeare in England, Moliere and La Fontaine in France, +may be superior to those who have served them with suggestions; but then +the new works must be altogether different, must exist by themselves. +Shakespeare and the others, when they imitated, may be said always to have +destroyed their models. These copyists, if we call them so, created such +works of genius that the only pity is they are so rare. This is not the +case with Fischart, but it would be none the less curious were some one +thoroughly familiar with German to translate Fischart for us, or at least, +by long extracts from him, give an idea of the vagaries of German taste +when it thought it could do better than Rabelais. It is dangerous to +tamper with so great a work, and he who does so runs a great risk of +burning his fingers. + +England has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion have brought +her success. But, before speaking of Urquhart's translation, it is but +right to mention the English-French Dictionary of Randle Cotgrave, the +first edition of which dates from 1611. It is in every way exceedingly +valuable, and superior to that of Nicot, because instead of keeping to the +plane of classic and Latin French, it showed an acquaintance with and +mastery of the popular tongue as well as of the written and learned +language. As a foreigner, Cotgrave is a little behind in his information. +He is not aware of all the changes and novelties of the passing fashion. +The Pleiad School he evidently knew nothing of, but kept to the writers of +the fifteenth and the first half of the sixteenth century. Thus words out +of Rabelais, which he always translates with admirable skill, are frequent, +and he attaches to them their author's name. So Rabelais had already +crossed the Channel, and was read in his own tongue. Somewhat later, +during the full sway of the Commonwealth--and Maitre Alcofribas Nasier must +have been a surprising apparition in the midst of Puritan severity--Captain +Urquhart undertook to translate him and to naturalize him completely in +England. + +Thomas Urquhart belonged to a very old family of good standing in the North +of Scotland. After studying in Aberdeen he travelled in France, Spain, and +Italy, where his sword was as active as that intelligent curiosity of his +which is evidenced by his familiarity with three languages and the large +library which he brought back, according to his own account, from sixteen +countries he had visited. + +On his return to England he entered the service of Charles I., who knighted +him in 1641. Next year, after the death of his father, he went to Scotland +to set his family affairs in order, and to redeem his house in Cromarty. +But, in spite of another sojourn in foreign lands, his efforts to free +himself from pecuniary embarrassments were unavailing. At the king's death +his Scottish loyalty caused him to side with those who opposed the +Parliament. Formally proscribed in 1649, taken prisoner at the defeat of +Worcester in 1651, stripped of all his belongings, he was brought to +London, but was released on parole at Cromwell's recommendation. After +receiving permission to spend five months in Scotland to try once more to +settle his affairs, he came back to London to escape from his creditors. +And there he must have died, though the date of his death is unknown. It +probably took place after 1653, the date of the publication of the two +first books, and after having written the translation of the third, which +was not printed from his manuscript till the end of the seventeenth +century. + +His life was therefore not without its troubles, and literary activity must +have been almost his only consolation. His writings reveal him as the +strangest character, fantastic, and full of a naive vanity, which, even at +the time he was translating the genealogy of Gargantua--surely well +calculated to cure any pondering on his own--caused him to trace his +unbroken descent from Adam, and to state that his family name was derived +from his ancestor Esormon, Prince of Achaia, 2139 B.C., who was surnamed +Ourochartos, that is to say the Fortunate and the Well-beloved. A Gascon +could not have surpassed this. + +Gifted as he was, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic +mathematician, master of several languages, occasionally full of wit and +humour, and even good sense, yet he gave his books the strangest titles, +and his ideas were no less whimsical. His style is mystic, fastidious, and +too often of a wearisome length and obscurity; his verses rhyme anyhow, or +not at all; but vivacity, force and heat are never lacking, and the +Maitland Club did well in reprinting, in 1834, his various works, which are +very rare. Yet, in spite of their curious interest, he owes his real +distinction and the survival of his name to his translation of Rabelais. + +The first two books appeared in 1653. The original edition, exceedingly +scarce, was carefully reprinted in 1838, only a hundred copies being +issued, by an English bibliophile T(heodore) M(artin), whose interesting +preface I regret to sum up so cursorily. At the end of the seventeenth +century, in 1693, a French refugee, Peter Antony Motteux, whose English +verses and whose plays are not without value, published in a little octavo +volume a reprint, very incorrect as to the text, of the first two books, to +which he added the third, from the manuscript found amongst Urquhart's +papers. The success which attended this venture suggested to Motteux the +idea of completing the work, and a second edition, in two volumes, appeared +in 1708, with the translation of the fourth and fifth books, and notes. +Nineteen years after his death, John Ozell, translator on a large scale of +French, Italian, and Spanish authors, revised Motteux's edition, which he +published in five volumes in 1737, adding Le Duchat's notes; and this +version has often been reprinted since. + +The continuation by Motteux, who was also the translator of Don Quixote, +has merits of its own. It is precise, elegant, and very faithful. +Urquhart's, without taking liberties with Rabelais like Fischart, is not +always so closely literal and exact. Nevertheless, it is much superior to +Motteux's. If Urquhart does not constantly adhere to the form of the +expression, if he makes a few slight additions, not only has he an +understanding of the original, but he feels it, and renders the sense with +a force and a vivacity full of warmth and brilliancy. His own learning +made the comprehension of the work easy to him, and his anglicization of +words fabricated by Rabelais is particularly successful. The necessity of +keeping to his text prevented his indulgence in the convolutions and +divagations dictated by his exuberant fancy when writing on his own +account. His style, always full of life and vigour, is here balanced, +lucid, and picturesque. Never elsewhere did he write so well. And thus +the translation reproduces the very accent of the original, besides +possessing a very remarkable character of its own. Such a literary tone +and such literary qualities are rarely found in a translation. Urquhart's, +very useful for the interpretation of obscure passages, may, and indeed +should be read as a whole, both for Rabelais and for its own merits. + +Holland, too, possesses a translation of Rabelais. They knew French in +that country in the seventeenth century better than they do to-day, and +there Rabelais' works were reprinted when no editions were appearing in +France. This Dutch translation was published at Amsterdam in 1682, by J. +Tenhoorn. The name attached to it, Claudio Gallitalo (Claudius +French-Italian) must certainly be a pseudonym. Only a Dutch scholar could +identify the translator, and state the value to be assigned to his work. + +Rabelais' style has many different sources. Besides its force and +brilliancy, its gaiety, wit, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less +remarkable. It would be impossible and useless to compile a glossary of +Voltaire's words. No French writer has used so few, and all of them are of +the simplest. There is not one of them that is not part of the common +speech, or which demands a note or an explanation. Rabelais' vocabulary, +on the other hand, is of an astonishing variety. Where does it all come +from? As a fact, he had at his command something like three languages, +which he used in turn, or which he mixed according to the effect he wished +to produce. + +First of all, of course, he had ready to his hand the whole speech of his +time, which had no secrets for him. Provincials have been too eager to +appropriate him, to make of him a local author, the pride of some village, +in order that their district might have the merit of being one of the +causes, one of the factors of his genius. Every neighbourhood where he +ever lived has declared that his distinction was due to his knowledge of +its popular speech. But these dialect-patriots have fallen out among +themselves. To which dialect was he indebted? Was it that of Touraine, or +Berri, or Poitou, or Paris? It is too often forgotten, in regard to French +patois--leaving out of count the languages of the South--that the words or +expressions that are no longer in use to-day are but a survival, a still +living trace of the tongue and the pronunciation of other days. Rabelais, +more than any other writer, took advantage of the happy chances and the +richness of the popular speech, but he wrote in French, and nothing but +French. That is why he remains so forcible, so lucid, and so living, more +living even--speaking only of his style out of charity to the others--than +any of his contemporaries. + +It has been said that great French prose is solely the work of the +seventeenth century. There were nevertheless, before that, two men, +certainly very different and even hostile, who were its initiators and its +masters, Calvin on the one hand, on the other Rabelais. + +Rabelais had a wonderful knowledge of the prose and the verse of the +fifteenth century: he was familiar with Villon, Pathelin, the Quinze Joies +de Mariage, the Cent Nouvelles, the chronicles and the romances, and even +earlier works, too, such as the Roman de la Rose. Their words, their turns +of expression came naturally to his pen, and added a piquancy and, as it +were, a kind of gloss of antique novelty to his work. He fabricated words, +too, on Greek and Latin models, with great ease, sometimes audaciously and +with needless frequency. These were for him so many means, so many +elements of variety. Sometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous +discourse of the Limousin scholar, for which he is not a little indebted to +Geoffroy Tory in the Champfleury; sometimes, on the contrary, seriously, +from a habit acquired in dealing with classical tongues. + +Again, another reason of the richness of his vocabulary was that he +invented and forged words for himself. Following the example of +Aristophanes, he coined an enormous number of interminable words, droll +expressions, sudden and surprising constructions. What had made Greece and +the Athenians laugh was worth transporting to Paris. + +With an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use +them, it is no wonder that he could give voice to anything, be as humorous +as he could be serious, as comic as he could be grave, that he could +express himself and everybody else, from the lowest to the highest. He had +every colour on his palette, and such skill was in his fingers that he +could depict every variety of light and shade. + +We have evidence that Rabelais did not always write in the same fashion. +The Chronique Gargantuaine is uniform in style and quite simple, but cannot +with certainty be attributed to him. His letters are bombastic and thin; +his few attempts at verse are heavy, lumbering, and obscure, altogether +lacking in harmony, and quite as bad as those of his friend, Jean Bouchet. +He had no gift of poetic form, as indeed is evident even from his prose. +And his letters from Rome to the Bishop of Maillezais, interesting as they +are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, flat, and dry in style as +possible. Without his signature no one would possibly have thought of +attributing them to him. He is only a literary artist when he wishes to be +such; and in his romance he changes the style completely every other +moment: it has no constant character or uniform manner, and therefore +unity is almost entirely wanting in his work, while his endeavours after +contrast are unceasing. There is throughout the whole the evidence of +careful and conscious elaboration. + +Hence, however lucid and free be the style of his romance, and though its +flexibility and ease seem at first sight to have cost no trouble at all, +yet its merit lies precisely in the fact that it succeeds in concealing the +toil, in hiding the seams. He could not have reached this perfection at a +first attempt. He must have worked long at the task, revised it again and +again, corrected much, and added rather than cut away. The aptness of form +and expression has been arrived at by deliberate means, and owes nothing to +chance. Apart from the toning down of certain bold passages, to soften +their effect, and appease the storm--for these were not literary +alterations, but were imposed on him by prudence--one can see how numerous +are the variations in his text, how necessary it is to take account of +them, and to collect them. A good edition, of course, would make no +attempt at amalgamating these. That would give a false impression and end +in confusion; but it should note them all, and show them all, not combined, +but simply as variations. + +After Le Duchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be +lost, made the mistake of collecting and placing side by side things which +had no connection with each other, which had even been substituted for each +other. The result was a fabricated text, full of contradictions naturally. +But since the edition issued by M. Jannet, the well-known publisher of the +Bibliotheque Elzevirienne, who was the first to get rid of this patchwork, +this mosaic, Rabelais' latest text has been given, accompanied by all the +earlier variations, to show the changes he made, as well as his +suppressions and additions. It would also be possible to reverse the +method. It would be interesting to take his first text as the basis, +noting the later modifications. This would be quite as instructive and +really worth doing. Perhaps one might then see more clearly with what care +he made his revisions, after what fashion he corrected, and especially what +were the additions he made. + +No more striking instance can be quoted than the admirable chapter about +the shipwreck. It was not always so long as Rabelais made it in the end: +it was much shorter at first. As a rule, when an author recasts some +passage that he wishes to revise, he does so by rewriting the whole, or at +least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak. Nothing of the +kind is seen here. Rabelais suppressed nothing, modified nothing; he did +not change his plan at all. What he did was to make insertions, to slip in +between two clauses a new one. He expressed his meaning in a lengthier +way, and the former clause is found in its integrity along with the +additional one, of which it forms, as it were, the warp. It was by this +method of touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such +little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the effect +without either change or loss. In the end it looks as if he had altered +nothing, added nothing new, as if it had always been so from the first, and +had never been meddled with. + +The comparison is most instructive, showing us to what an extent Rabelais' +admirable style was due to conscious effort, care, and elaboration, a fact +which is generally too much overlooked, and how instead of leaving any +trace which would reveal toil and study, it has on the contrary a +marvellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy. It was modelled and +remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance of +having been created at a single stroke, or of having been run like molten +wax into its final form. + +Something should be said here of the sources from which Rabelais borrowed. +He was not the first in France to satirize the romances of chivalry. The +romance in verse by Baudouin de Sebourc, printed in recent years, was a +parody of the Chansons de Geste. In the Moniage Guillaume, and especially +in the Moniage Rainouart, in which there is a kind of giant, and +occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes which remind us +of Rabelais. The kind of Fabliaux in mono-rhyme quatrains of the old +Aubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests. But all that is beside the +question; Rabelais did not know these. Nothing is of direct interest save +what was known to him, what fell under his eyes, what lay to his hand--as +the Facetiae of Poggio, and the last sermonnaires. In the course of one's +reading one may often enough come across the origin of some of Rabelais' +witticisms; here and there we may discover how he has developed a +situation. While gathering his materials wherever he could find them, he +was nevertheless profoundly original. + +On this point much research and investigation might be employed. But there +is no need why these researches should be extended to the region of fancy. +Gargantua has been proved by some to be of Celtic origin. Very often he is +a solar myth, and the statement that Rabelais only collected popular +traditions and gave new life to ancient legends is said to be proved by the +large number of megalithic monuments to which is attached the name of +Gargantua. It was, of course, quite right to make a list of these, to draw +up, as it were, a chart of them, but the conclusion is not justified. The +name, instead of being earlier, is really later, and is a witness, not to +the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity of his novel. No one +has ever yet produced a written passage or any ancient testimony to prove +the existence of the name before Rabelais. To place such a tradition on a +sure basis, positive traces must be forthcoming; and they cannot be adduced +even for the most celebrated of these monuments, since he mentions himself +the great menhir near Poitiers, which he christened by the name of +Passelourdin. That there is something in the theory is possible. Perrault +found the subjects of his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses. +He fixed them finally by writing them down. Floating about vaguely as they +were, he seized them, worked them up, gave them shape, and yet of scarcely +any of them is there to be found before his time a single trace. So we +must resign ourselves to know just as little of what Gargantua and +Pantagruel were before the sixteenth century. + +In a book of a contemporary of Rabelais, the Legende de Pierre Faifeu by +the Angevin, Charles de Bourdigne, the first edition of which dates from +1526 and the second 1531--both so rare and so forgotten that the work is +only known since the eighteenth century by the reprint of Custelier--in the +introductory ballad which recommends this book to readers, occur these +lines in the list of popular books which Faifeu would desire to replace: + + 'Laissez ester Caillette le folastre, + Les quatre filz Aymon vestuz de bleu, + Gargantua qui a cheveux de plastre.' + +He has not 'cheveux de plastre' in Rabelais. If the rhyme had not +suggested the phrase--and the exigencies of the strict form of the ballade +and its forced repetitions often imposed an idea which had its whole origin +in the rhyme--we might here see a dramatic trace found nowhere else. The +name of Pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a Mystery of the +fifteenth century. These are the only references to the names which up +till now have been discovered, and they are, as one sees, of but little +account. + +On the other hand, the influence of Aristophanes and of Lucian, his +intimate acquaintance with nearly all the writers of antiquity, Greek as +well as Latin, with whom Rabelais is more permeated even than Montaigne, +were a mine of inspiration. The proof of it is everywhere. Pliny +especially was his encyclopaedia, his constant companion. All he says of +the Pantagruelian herb, though he amply developed it for himself, is taken +from Pliny's chapter on flax. And there is a great deal more of this kind +to be discovered, for Rabelais does not always give it as quotation. On +the other hand, when he writes, 'Such an one says,' it would be difficult +enough to find who is meant, for the 'such an one' is a fictitious writer. +The method is amusing, but it is curious to account of it. + +The question of the Chronique Gargantuaine is still undecided. Is it by +Rabelais or by someone else? Both theories are defensible, and can be +supported by good reasons. In the Chronique everything is heavy, +occasionally meaningless, and nearly always insipid. Can the same man have +written the Chronique and Gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by +a masterpiece, changed the facts and incidents, transformed a heavy icy +pleasantry into a work glowing with wit and life, made it no longer a mass +of laborious trifling and cold-blooded exaggerations but a satire on human +life of the highest genius? Still there are points common to the two. +Besides, Rabelais wrote other things; and it is only in his romance that he +shows literary skill. The conception of it would have entered his mind +first only in a bare and summary fashion. It would have been taken up +again, expanded, developed, metamorphosed. That is possible, and, for my +part, I am of those who, like Brunet and Nodier, are inclined to think that +the Chronique, in spite of its inferiority, is really a first attempt, +condemned as soon as the idea was conceived in another form. As its +earlier date is incontestable, we must conclude that if the Chronique is +not by him, his Gargantua and its continuation would not have existed +without it. This would be a great obligation to stand under to some +unknown author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did not +reproach him during his lifetime with being merely an imitator and a +plagiarist. So there are reasons for and against his authorship of it, and +it would be dangerous to make too bold an assertion. + +One fact which is absolutely certain and beyond all controversy, is that +Rabelais owed much to one of his contemporaries, an Italian, to the +Histoire Macaronique of Merlin Coccaie. Its author, Theophilus Folengo, +who was also a monk, was born in 1491, and died only a short time before +Rabelais, in 1544. But his burlesque poem was published in 1517. It was +in Latin verse, written in an elaborately fabricated style. It is not dog +Latin, but Latin ingeniously italianized, or rather Italian, even Mantuan, +latinized. The contrast between the modern form of the word and its Roman +garb produces the most amusing effect. In the original it is sometimes +difficult to read, for Folengo has no objection to using the most +colloquial words and phrases. + +The subject is quite different. It is the adventures of Baldo, son of Guy +de Montauban, the very lively history of his youth, his trial, imprisonment +and deliverance, his journey in search of his father, during which he +visits the Planets and Hell. The narration is constantly interrupted by +incidental adventures. Occasionally they are what would be called to-day +very naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly extravagant. + +But Fracasso, Baldo's friend, is a giant; another friend, Cingar, who +delivers him, is Panurge exactly, and quite as much given to practical +joking. The women in the senile amour of the old Tognazzo, the judges, and +the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt with by Folengo than by the +monk of the Iles d'Hyeres. If Dindenaut's name does not occur, there are +the sheep. The tempest is there, and the invocation to all the saints. +Rabelais improves all he borrows, but it is from Folengo he starts. He +does not reproduce the words, but, like the Italian, he revels in drinking +scenes, junkettings, gormandizing, battles, scuffles, wounds and corpses, +magic, witches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, and a +solemnly minute precision of impossible dates and numbers. The atmosphere, +the tone, the methods are the same, and to know Rabelais well, you must +know Folengo well too. + +Detailed proof of this would be too lengthy a matter; one would have to +quote too many passages, but on this question of sources nothing is more +interesting than a perusal of the Opus Macaronicorum. It was translated +into French only in 1606--Paris, Gilley Robinot. This translation of +course cannot reproduce all the many amusing forms of words, but it is +useful, nevertheless, in showing more clearly the points of resemblance +between the two works,--how far in form, ideas, details, and phrases +Rabelais was permeated by Folengo. The anonymous translator saw this quite +well, and said so in his title, 'Histoire macaronique de Merlin Coccaie, +prototype of Rabelais.' It is nothing but the truth, and Rabelais, who +does not hide it from himself, on more than one occasion mentions the name +of Merlin Coccaie. + +Besides, Rabelais was fed on the Italians of his time as on the Greeks and +Romans. Panurge, who owes much to Cingar, is also not free from +obligations to the miscreant Margutte in the Morgante Maggiore of Pulci. +Had Rabelais in his mind the tale from the Florentine Chronicles, how in +the Savonarola riots, when the Piagnoni and the Arrabiati came to blows in +the church of the Dominican convent of San-Marco, Fra Pietro in the scuffle +broke the heads of the assailants with the bronze crucifix he had taken +from the altar? A well-handled cross could so readily be used as a weapon, +that probably it has served as such more than once, and other and even +quite modern instances might be quoted. + +But other Italian sources are absolutely certain. There are few more +wonderful chapters in Rabelais than the one about the drinkers. It is not +a dialogue: those short exclamations exploding from every side, all +referring to the same thing, never repeating themselves, and yet always +varying the same theme. At the end of the Novelle of Gentile Sermini of +Siena, there is a chapter called Il Giuoco della pugna, the Game of Battle. +Here are the first lines of it: 'Apre, apre, apre. Chi gioca, chi gioca +--uh, uh!--A Porrione, a Porrione.--Viela, viela; date a ognuno.--Alle +mantella, alle mantella.--Oltre di corsa; non vi fermate.--Voltate qui; +ecco costoro; fate veli innanzi.--Viela, viela; date costi.--Chi la fa? +Io--Ed io.--Dagli; ah, ah, buona fu.--Or cosi; alla mascella, al fianco. +--Dagli basso; di punta, di punta.--Ah, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.' + +And thus it goes on with fire and animation for pages. Rabelais probably +translated or directly imitated it. He changed the scene; there was no +giuooco della pugna in France. He transferred to a drinking-bout this +clatter of exclamations which go off by themselves, which cross each other +and get no answer. He made a wonderful thing of it. But though he did not +copy Sermini, yet Sermini's work provided him with the form of the subject, +and was the theme for Rabelais' marvellous variations. + +Who does not remember the fantastic quarrel of the cook with the poor devil +who had flavoured his dry bread with the smoke of the roast, and the +judgment of Seyny John, truly worthy of Solomon? It comes from the Cento +Novelle Antiche, rewritten from tales older than Boccaccio, and moreover of +an extreme brevity and dryness. They are only the framework, the notes, +the skeleton of tales. The subject is often wonderful, but nothing is made +of it: it is left unshaped. Rabelais wrote a version of one, the ninth. +The scene takes place, not at Paris, but at Alexandria in Egypt among the +Saracens, and the cook is called Fabrac. But the surprise at the end, the +sagacious judgment by which the sound of a piece of money was made the +price of the smoke, is the same. Now the first dated edition of the Cento +Novelle (which were frequently reprinted) appeared at Bologna in 1525, and +it is certain that Rabelais had read the tales. And there would be much +else of the same kind to learn if we knew Rabelais' library. + +A still stranger fact of this sort may be given to show how nothing came +amiss to him. He must have known, and even copied the Latin Chronicle of +the Counts of Anjou. It is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical +document, but that is no reason for thinking that the truth may not have +been manipulated and adorned. The Counts of Anjou were not saints. They +were proud, quarrelsome, violent, rapacious, and extravagant, as greedy as +they were charitable to the Church, treacherous and cruel. Yet their +anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns of all the virtues. In reality +it is both a history and in some sort a romance; especially is it a +collection of examples worthy of being followed, in the style of the +Cyropaedia, our Juvenal of the fifteenth century, and a little like +Fenelon's Telemaque. Now in it there occurs the address of one of the +counts to those who rebelled against him and who were at his mercy. +Rabelais must have known it, for he has copied it, or rather, literally +translated whole lines of it in the wonderful speech of Gargantua to the +vanquished. His contemporaries, who approved of his borrowing from +antiquity, could not detect this one, because the book was not printed till +much later. But Rabelais lived in Maine. In Anjou, which often figures +among the localities he names, he must have met with and read the +Chronicles of the Counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery library, +whether at Fontenay-le-Comte or elsewhere it matters little. There is not +only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the words too, which cannot +be a mere matter of chance. He must have known the Chronicles of the +Counts of Anjou, and they inspired one of his finest pages. One sees, +therefore, how varied were the sources whence he drew, and how many of them +must probably always escape us. + +When, as has been done for Moliere, a critical bibliography of the works +relating to Rabelais is drawn up--which, by the bye, will entail a very +great amount of labour--the easiest part will certainly be the bibliography +of the old editions. That is the section that has been most satisfactorily +and most completely worked out. M. Brunet said the last word on the +subject in his Researches in 1852, and in the important article in the +fifth edition of his Manuel du Libraire (iv., 1863, pp. 1037-1071). + +The facts about the fifth book cannot be summed up briefly. It was printed +as a whole at first, without the name of the place, in 1564, and next year +at Lyons by Jean Martin. It has given, and even still gives rise to two +contradictory opinions. Is it Rabelais' or not? + +First of all, if he had left it complete, would sixteen years have gone by +before it was printed? Then, does it bear evident marks of his +workmanship? Is the hand of the master visible throughout? Antoine Du +Verdier in the 1605 edition of his Prosopographie writes: '(Rabelais') +misfortune has been that everybody has wished to "pantagruelize!" and +several books have appeared under his name, and have been added to his +works, which are not by him, as, for instance, l'Ile Sonnante, written by a +certain scholar of Valence and others.' + +The scholar of Valence might be Guillaume des Autels, to whom with more +certainty can be ascribed the authorship of a dull imitation of Rabelais, +the History of Fanfreluche and Gaudichon, published in 1578, which, to say +the least of it, is very much inferior to the fifth book. + +Louis Guyon, in his Diverses Lecons, is still more positive: 'As to the +last book which has been included in his works, entitled l'Ile Sonnante, +the object of which seems to be to find fault with and laugh at the members +and the authorities of the Catholic Church, I protest that he did not +compose it, for it was written long after his death. I was at Paris when +it was written, and I know quite well who was its author; he was not a +doctor.' That is very emphatic, and it is impossible to ignore it. + +Yet everyone must recognize that there is a great deal of Rabelais in the +fifth book. He must have planned it and begun it. Remembering that in +1548 he had published, not as an experiment, but rather as a bait and as an +announcement, the first eleven chapters of the fourth book, we may conclude +that the first sixteen chapters of the fifth book published by themselves +nine years after his death, in 1562, represent the remainder of his +definitely finished work. This is the more certain because these first +chapters, which contain the Apologue of the Horse and the Ass and the +terrible Furred Law-cats, are markedly better than what follows them. They +are not the only ones where the master's hand may be traced, but they are +the only ones where no other hand could possibly have interfered. + +In the remainder the sentiment is distinctly Protestant. Rabelais was much +struck by the vices of the clergy and did not spare them. Whether we are +unable to forgive his criticisms because they were conceived in a spirit of +raillery, or whether, on the other hand, we feel admiration for him on this +point, yet Rabelais was not in the least a sectary. If he strongly desired +a moral reform, indirectly pointing out the need of it in his mocking +fashion, he was not favourable to a political reform. Those who would make +of him a Protestant altogether forget that the Protestants of his time were +not for him, but against him. Henri Estienne, for instance, Ramus, +Theodore de Beze, and especially Calvin, should know how he was to be +regarded. Rabelais belonged to what may be called the early reformation, +to that band of honest men in the beginning of the sixteenth century, +precursors of the later one perhaps, but, like Erasmus, between the two +extremes. He was neither Lutheran nor Calvinist, neither German nor +Genevese, and it is quite natural that his work was not reprinted in +Switzerland, which would certainly have happened had the Protestants looked +on him as one of themselves. + +That Rabelais collected the materials for the fifth book, had begun it, and +got on some way, there can be no doubt: the excellence of a large number +of passages prove it, but--taken as a whole--the fifth book has not the +value, the verve, and the variety of the others. The style is quite +different, less rich, briefer, less elaborate, drier, in parts even +wearisome. In the first four books Rabelais seldom repeats himself. The +fifth book contains from the point of view of the vocabulary really the +least novelty. On the contrary, it is full of words and expressions +already met with, which is very natural in an imitation, in a copy, forced +to keep to a similar tone, and to show by such reminders and likenesses +that it is really by the same pen. A very striking point is the profound +difference in the use of anatomical terms. In the other books they are +most frequently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, with a quite +other meaning than their own; in the fifth they are applied correctly. It +was necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, but the writer +has not thought of using them to add to the comic effect: one cannot +always think of everything. Trouble has been taken, of course, to include +enumerations, but there are much fewer fabricated and fantastic words. In +short, the hand of the maker is far from showing the same suppleness and +strength. + +A eulogistic quatrain is signed Nature quite, which, it is generally +agreed, is an anagram of Jean Turquet. Did the adapter of the fifth book +sign his work in this indirect fashion? He might be of the Genevese family +to whom Louis Turquet and his son Theodore belonged, both well-known, and +both strong Protestants. The obscurity relating to this matter is far from +being cleared up, and perhaps never will be. + +It fell to my lot--here, unfortunately, I am forced to speak of a personal +matter--to print for the first time the manuscript of the fifth book. At +first it was hoped it might be in Rabelais' own hand; afterwards that it +might be at least a copy of his unfinished work. The task was a difficult +one, for the writing, extremely flowing and rapid, is execrable, and most +difficult to decipher and to transcribe accurately. Besides, it often +happens in the sixteenth and the end of the fifteenth century, that +manuscripts are much less correct than the printed versions, even when they +have not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands. In this case, it is the +writing of a clerk executed as quickly as possible. The farther it goes +the more incorrect it becomes, as if the writer were in haste to finish. + +What is really the origin of it? It has less the appearance of notes or +fragments prepared by Rabelais than of a first attempt at revision. It is +not an author's rough draft; still less is it his manuscript. If I had not +printed this enigmatical text with scrupulous and painful fidelity, I would +do it now. It was necessary to do it so as to clear the way. But as the +thing is done, and accessible to those who may be interested, and who wish +to critically examine it, there is no further need of reprinting it. All +the editions of Rabelais continue, and rightly, to reproduce the edition of +1564. It is not the real Rabelais, but however open to criticism it may +be, it was under that form that the fifth book appeared in the sixteenth +century, under that form it was accepted. Consequently it is convenient +and even necessary to follow and keep to the original edition. + +The first sixteen chapters may, and really must be, the text of Rabelais, +in the final form as left by him, and found after his death; the framework, +and a number of the passages in the continuation, the best ones, of course, +are his, but have been patched up and tampered with. Nothing can have been +suppressed of what existed; it was evidently thought that everything should +be admitted with the final revision; but the tone was changed, additions +were made, and 'improvements.' Adapters are always strangely vain. + +In the seventeenth century, the French printing-press, save for an edition +issued at Troyes in 1613, gave up publishing Rabelais, and the work passed +to foreign countries. Jean Fuet reprinted him at Antwerp in 1602. After +the Amsterdam edition of 1659, where for the first time appears 'The +Alphabet of the French Author,' comes the Elzevire edition of 1663. The +type, an imitation of what made the reputation of the little volumes of the +Gryphes of Lyons, is charming, the printing is perfect, and the paper, +which is French--the development of paper-making in Holland and England did +not take place till after the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes--is +excellent. They are pretty volumes to the eye, but, as in all the reprints +of the seventeenth century, the text is full of faults and most +untrustworthy. + +France, through a representative in a foreign land, however, comes into +line again in the beginning of the eighteenth century, and in a really +serious fashion, thanks to the very considerable learning of a French +refugee, Jacob Le Duchat, who died in 1748. He had a most thorough +knowledge of the French prose-writers of the sixteenth century, and he made +them accessible by his editions of the Quinze Joies du Mariage, of Henri +Estienne, of Agrippa d'Aubigne, of L'Etoile, and of the Satyre Menippee. +In 1711 he published an edition of Rabelais at Amsterdam, through Henry +Bordesius, in five duodecimo volumes. The reprint in quarto which he +issued in 1741, seven years before his death, is, with its engravings by +Bernard Picot, a fine library edition. Le Duchat's is the first of the +critical editions. It takes account of differences in the texts, and +begins to point out the variations. His very numerous notes are +remarkable, and are still worthy of most serious consideration. He was the +first to offer useful elucidations, and these have been repeated after him, +and with good reason will continue to be so. The Abbe de Massy's edition +of 1752, also an Amsterdam production, has made use of Le Duchat's but does +not take its place. Finally, at the end of the century, Cazin printed +Rabelais in his little volume, in 1782, and Bartiers issued two editions +(of no importance) at Paris in 1782 and 1798. Fortunately the nineteenth +century has occupied itself with the great 'Satyrique' in a more competent +and useful fashion. + +In 1820 L'Aulnaye published through Desoer his three little volumes, +printed in exquisite style, and which have other merits besides. His +volume of annotations, in which, that nothing might be lost of his own +notes, he has included many things not directly relating to Rabelais, is +full of observations and curious remarks which are very useful additions to +Le Duchat. One fault to be found with him is his further complication of +the spelling. This he did in accordance with a principle that the words +should be referred to their real etymology. Learned though he was, +Rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories +but those of the modern scholar that have been ventilated. + +Somewhat later, from 1823 to 1826, Esmangart and Johanneau issued a +variorum edition in nine volumes, in which the text is often encumbered by +notes which are really too numerous, and, above all, too long. The work +was an enormous one, but the best part of it is Le Duchat's, and what is +not his is too often absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth. Le +Duchat had already given too much importance to the false historical +explanation. Here it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no evidence. +In reality, there is no need of the key to Rabelais by which to discover +the meaning of subtle allusions. He is neither so complicated nor so full +of riddles. We know how he has scattered the names of contemporaries about +his work, sometimes of friends, sometimes of enemies, and without +disguising them under any mask. He is no more Panurge than Louis XII. is +Gargantua or Francis I. Pantagruel. Rabelais says what he wants, all he +wants, and in the way he wants. There are no mysteries below the surface, +and it is a waste of time to look for knots in a bulrush. All the +historical explanations are purely imaginary, utterly without proof, and +should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed. They +are radically false, and therefore both worthless and harmful. + +In 1840 there appeared in the Bibliotheque Charpentier the Rabelais in a +single duodecimo volume, begun by Charles Labiche, and, after his death, +completed by M. Paul Lacroix, whose share is the larger. The text is that +of L'Aulnaye; the short footnotes, with all their brevity, contain useful +explanations of difficult words. Amongst the editions of Rabelais this is +one of the most important, because it brought him many readers and +admirers. No other has made him so well and so widely known as this +portable volume, which has been constantly reprinted. No other has been so +widely circulated, and the sale still goes on. It was, and must still be +looked on as a most serviceable edition. + +The edition published by Didot in 1857 has an altogether special character. +In the biographical notice M. Rathery for the first time treated as they +deserve the foolish prejudices which have made Rabelais misunderstood, and +M. Burgaud des Marets set the text on a quite new base. Having proved, +what of course is very evident, that in the original editions the spelling, +and the language too, were of the simplest and clearest, and were not +bristling with the nonsensical and superfluous consonants which have given +rise to the idea that Rabelais is difficult to read, he took the trouble +first of all to note the spelling of each word. Whenever in a single +instance he found it in accordance with modern spelling, he made it the +same throughout. The task was a hard one, and Rabelais certainly gained in +clearness, but over-zeal is often fatal to a reform. In respect to its +precision and the value of its notes, which are short and very judicious, +Burgaud des Marets' edition is valuable, and is amongst those which should +be known and taken into account. + +Since Le Duchat all the editions have a common fault. They are not exactly +guilty of fabricating, but they set up an artificial text in the sense +that, in order to lose as little as possible, they have collected and +united what originally were variations--the revisions, in short, of the +original editions. Guided by the wise counsels given by Brunet in 1852 in +his Researches on the old editions of Rabelais, Pierre Jannet published the +first three books in 1858; then, when the publication of the Bibliotheque +Elzevirienne was discontinued, he took up the work again and finished the +edition in Picard's blue library, in little volumes, each book quite +distinct. It was M. Jannet who in our days first restored the pure and +exact text of Rabelais, not only without retouching it, but without making +additions or insertions, or juxtaposition of things that were not formerly +found together. For each of the books he has followed the last edition +issued by Rabelais, and all the earlier differences he gives as variations. +It is astonishing that a thing so simple and so fitting should not have +been done before, and the result is that this absolutely exact fidelity has +restored a lucidity which was not wanting in Rabelais's time, but which had +since been obscured. All who have come after Jannet have followed in his +path, and there is no reason for straying from it. + + + + +FRANCIS RABELAIS. + + +THE FIRST BOOK. + + +To the Honoured, Noble Translator of Rabelais. + +Rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made, +All men, professions, actions to invade, +With so much furious vigour, as if it +Had lived o'er each of them, and each had quit, +Yet with such happy sleight and careless skill, +As, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill, +So that although his noble leaves appear +Antic and Gottish, and dull souls forbear +To turn them o'er, lest they should only find +Nothing but savage monsters of a mind,-- +No shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise +Seriously strip him of his wild disguise, +Melt down his dross, refine his massy ore, +And polish that which seem'd rough-cast before, +Search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth, +And make that fiery which before seem'd earth +(Conquering those things of highest consequence, +What's difficult of language or of sense), +He will appear some noble table writ +In the old Egyptian hieroglyphic wit; +Where, though you monsters and grotescoes see, +You meet all mysteries of philosophy. +For he was wise and sovereignly bred +To know what mankind is, how 't may be led: +He stoop'd unto them, like that wise man, who +Rid on a stick, when 's children would do so. +For we are easy sullen things, and must +Be laugh'd aright, and cheated into trust; +Whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about +Dull menaces, and terrifies the rout, +And cajoles it, with all its peevish strength +Piteously stretch'd and botch'd up into length, +Whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey +Such opiate talk, and snore away the day, +By all his noise as much their minds relieves, +As caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves. + But Rabelais was another thing, a man +Made up of all that art and nature can +Form from a fiery genius,--he was one +Whose soul so universally was thrown +Through all the arts of life, who understood +Each stratagem by which we stray from good; +So that he best might solid virtue teach, +As some 'gainst sins of their own bosoms preach: +He from wise choice did the true means prefer, +In the fool's coat acting th' philosopher. + Thus hoary Aesop's beasts did mildly tame +Fierce man, and moralize him into shame; +Thus brave romances, while they seem to lay +Great trains of lust, platonic love display; +Thus would old Sparta, if a seldom chance +Show'd a drunk slave, teach children temperance; +Thus did the later poets nobly bring +The scene to height, making the fool the king. + And, noble sir, you vigorously have trod +In this hard path, unknown, un-understood +By its own countrymen, 'tis you appear +Our full enjoyment which was our despair, +Scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns +(For radiant brightness now dark Rabelais crowns), +Leaving your brave heroic cares, which must +Make better mankind and embalm your dust, +So undeceiving us, that now we see +All wit in Gascon and in Cromarty, +Besides that Rabelais is convey'd to us, +And that our Scotland is not barbarous. + + J. De la Salle. + + + +Rablophila. + +The First Decade. + +The Commendation. + +Musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium Amorum, + Et Gargantueas perpetuato faces, +Utque homini tali resultet nobilis Eccho: + Quicquid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit. + +The Argument. + + Here I intend mysteriously to sing + With a pen pluck'd from Fame's own wing, +Of Gargantua that learn'd breech-wiping king. + +Decade the First. + + I. + + Help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze + Benumbs me! I must sound the praise +Of him hath turn'd this crabbed work in such heroic phrase. + + II. + + What wit would not court martyrdom to hold + Upon his head a laurel of gold, +Where for each rich conceit a Pumpion-pearl is told: + + III. + + And such a one is this, art's masterpiece, + A thing ne'er equall'd by old Greece: +A thing ne'er match'd as yet, a real Golden Fleece. + + IV. + + Vice is a soldier fights against mankind; + Which you may look but never find: +For 'tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined. + + V. + + And thus he rails at drinking all before 'em, + And for lewd women does be-whore 'em, +And brings their painted faces and black patches to th' quorum. + + VI. + + To drink he was a furious enemy + Contented with a six-penny-- +(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie-- + + VII. + + And for tobacco's pate-rotunding smoke, + Much had he said, and much more spoke, +But 'twas not then found out, so the design was broke. + + VIII. + + Muse! Fancy! Faith! come now arise aloud, + Assembled in a blue-vein'd cloud, +And this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud. + + IX. + + To praise it further I would now begin + Were 't now a thoroughfare and inn, +It harbours vice, though 't be to catch it in a gin. + + X. + + Therefore, my Muse, draw up thy flowing sail, + And acclamate a gentle hail +With all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail. + +Jam prima Oceani pars est praeterita nostri. + Imparibus restat danda secunda modis. +Quam si praestiterit mentem Daemon malus addam, + Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais. + + Malevolus. + + + +(Reader, the Errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost; +and therefore the Translator, not having leisure to collect them again, +craves thy pardon for such as thou may'st meet with.) + + +[Illustration: prologue1] + + +The Author's Prologue to the First Book. + +Most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified +blades (for to you, and none else, do I dedicate my writings), Alcibiades, +in that dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled The Banquet, whilst he was +setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster Socrates (without all +question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that +purpose, said that he resembled the Silenes. Silenes of old were little +boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on +the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, +horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other +such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto +laughter, as Silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good Bacchus, was +wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and +kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, +civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great +price. Just such another thing was Socrates. For to have eyed his outside, +and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the +peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his +gesture. He had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and +countenance of a fool: he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his +apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the +commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to everyone, +with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his +divine knowledge. Now, opening this box you would have found within it a +heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable +virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain +contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all +that for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil +and turmoil themselves. + +Whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend? +For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease +and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as +Gargantua, Pantagruel, Whippot (Fessepinte.), the Dignity of Codpieces, of +Pease and Bacon with a Commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that there +is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and +recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually, +without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision. But +truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men, +seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many +being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal, +and that there are of those that wear Spanish capes, who have but little of +the valour of Spaniards in them. Therefore is it, that you must open the +book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it. Then shall you +find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did +promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish as by +the title at the first sight it would appear to be. + +And put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry +and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their +inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming +syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly +you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart. Did you ever +pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it? Tell me +truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had. +Or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,--the beast of +all other, says Plato, lib. 2, de Republica, the most philosophical? If +you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and +circumspectness he wards and watcheth it: with what care he keeps it: how +fervently he holds it: how prudently he gobbets it: with what affection +he breaks it: and with what diligence he sucks it. To what end all this? +What moveth him to take all these pains? What are the hopes of his labour? +What doth he expect to reap thereby? Nothing but a little marrow. True it +is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great +quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, +5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly +elaboured by nature. + +In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and +have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, +which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter +somewhat difficult. And then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, +and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,--that is, +my allegorical sense, or the things I to myself propose to be signified by +these Pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing you will at +last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them: +for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find another kind of taste, +and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will +disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dreadful mysteries, as +well in what concerneth your religion, as matters of the public state, and +life economical. + +Do you believe, upon your conscience, that Homer, whilst he was a-couching +his Iliads and Odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which +Plutarch, Heraclides Ponticus, Eustathius, Cornutus squeezed out of him, +and which Politian filched again from them? If you trust it, with neither +hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have +been as little dreamed of by Homer, as the Gospel sacraments were by Ovid +in his Metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (Frere Lubin +croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if +perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb says) +a lid worthy of such a kettle. + +If you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new +chronicles of mine? Albeit when I did dictate them, I thought upon no more +than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as I was. For in the +composing of this lordly book, I never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any +other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily +refection, that is, whilst I was eating and drinking. And indeed that is +the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and +deep sciences: as Homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues, +and Ennius, the father of the Latin poets, as Horace calls him, although a +certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine +than oil. + +So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him. +The fragrant odour of the wine, O how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing +(Riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of +oil! And I will glory as much when it is said of me, that I have spent +more on wine than oil, as did Demosthenes, when it was told him, that his +expense on oil was greater than on wine. I truly hold it for an honour and +praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Goodfellow; +for under this name am I welcome in all choice companies of Pantagruelists. +It was upbraided to Demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his +Orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy +oil-vessel. For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the +perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these +fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me +always merry. Be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully +read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins. +But hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink +a health to me for the like favour again, and I will pledge you instantly, +Tout ares-metys. + + + +Rabelais to the Reader. + +Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book, +Be not offended, whilst on it you look: +Denude yourselves of all depraved affection, +For it contains no badness, nor infection: +'Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth +Of any value, but in point of mirth; +Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind +Consume, I could no apter subject find; +One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span; +Because to laugh is proper to the man. + + + +Chapter 1.I. + +Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of Gargantua. + +I must refer you to the great chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of +that genealogy and antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us. +In it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this +world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the father of +Pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, +although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more +it would please your worshipful Seniorias; according to which you have the +authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says that +there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt), which, +the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable. + +Would to God everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the +time of the ark of Noah until this age. I think many are at this day +emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction +is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now +poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the +blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as I conceive +it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the +Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians +to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to +the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French. + +And to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, I cannot +think but I am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former +times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a +king, and to be rich, than I have, and that only that I may make good +cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my +friends, and all honest and learned men. But herein do I comfort myself, +that in the other world I shall be so, yea and greater too than at this +present I dare wish. As for you, with the same or a better conceit +consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by +it. + +To return to our wethers, I say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the +antiquity and genealogy of Gargantua hath been reserved for our use more +full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean +not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is +to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose +me. This genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near +the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to Narsay: where, as he was +making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against +a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the +end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of +Vienne. Opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top +with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in Etrurian letters Hic +Bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank +their kyles in Gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had +under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, +smelling stronger, but no better than roses. In that book the said +genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in +paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet so +worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together +be there perfectly discerned. + +I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those +spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do +not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it, +did translate the book as you may see in your Pantagruelizing, that is to +say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart's desire, and reading the +dreadful and horrific acts of Pantagruel. At the end of the book there was +a little treatise entitled the Antidoted Fanfreluches, or a Galimatia of +extravagant conceits. The rats and moths, or (that I may not lie) other +wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning: the rest I have hereto +subjoined, for the reverence I bear to antiquity. + + + +Chapter 1.II. + +The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found +in an ancient Monument. + +No sooner did the Cymbrians' overcomer +Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer, +But at his coming straight great tubs were fill'd, +With pure fresh butter down in showers distill'd: +Wherewith when water'd was his grandam, Hey, +Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y'; +Because his beard is almost all beray'd; +Or, that he would hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd. + +To lick his slipper, some told was much better, +Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. +In th' interim a crafty chuff approaches, +From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches; +Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save, +The eel is here, and in this hollow cave +You'll find, if that our looks on it demur, +A great waste in the bottom of his fur. + +To read this chapter when he did begin, +Nothing but a calf's horns were found therein; +I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold +My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold. +Being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd, +To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, +Provided that a new thill-horse they made +Of every person of a hair-brain'd head. + +They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles, +Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes, +If they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff, +Such as might not be subject to the cough: +Since ev'ry man unseemly did it find, +To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind: +For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed, +For pledges they to men might be exposed. + +In this arrest by Hercules the raven +Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven. +Why am not I, said Minos, there invited? +Unless it be myself, not one's omitted: +And then it is their mind, I do no more +Of frogs and oysters send them any store: +In case they spare my life and prove but civil, +I give their sale of distaffs to the devil. + +To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets +At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets: +The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those +Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose: +Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred, +But on a tanner's mill are winnowed. +Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear, +You shall have more than you had the last year. + +Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove +Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove; +Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, +They should o'erthrow quite flat down dead th' empire. +He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal, +To boats where were red herrings put to sale; +Than to be calm 'gainst those, who strive to brave us, +And to the Massorets' fond words enslave us. + +All this at last concluded gallantly, +In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh, +Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta'en, +In her old age, for a cress-selling quean. +Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad, +Doth it become thee to be found abroad? +Thou hast the Roman standard filch'd away, +Which they in rags of parchment did display. + +Juno was born, who, under the rainbow, +Was a-bird-catching with her duck below: +When her with such a grievous trick they plied +That she had almost been bethwacked by it. +The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she +Should of Proserpina have two eggs free; +And if that she thereafter should be found, +She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. + +Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two, +He, that of old did Carthage town undo, +Did bravely midst them all himself advance, +Requiring of them his inheritance; +Although they justly made up the division, +According to the shoe-welt-law's decision, +By distributing store of brews and beef +To these poor fellows that did pen the brief. + +But th' year will come, sign of a Turkish bow, +Five spindles yarn'd, and three pot-bottoms too, +Wherein of a discourteous king the dock +Shall pepper'd be under an hermit's frock. +Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must +Permit so many acres to be lost! +Cease, cease, this vizard may become another, +Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's brother. + +'Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign +With his good friends in peace now and again. +No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave, +Each good will its arbitrement shall have; +And the joy, promised of old as doom +To the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon come. +Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd were, +Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there. + +And this continue shall from time to time, +Till Mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime; +Then shall one come, who others will surpass, +Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. +Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, +All trusty friends of mine; for he's deceased, +Who would not for a world return again, +So highly shall time past be cried up then. + +He who was made of wax shall lodge each member +Close by the hinges of a block of timber. +We then no more shall Master, master, whoot, +The swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out; +Could one seize on the dagger which he bears, +Heads would be free from tingling in the ears, +To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses. +The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses. + + + +Chapter 1.III. + +How Gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly. + +Grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to +drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would +willingly eat salt meat. To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished +with gammons of bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayonne, with store +of dried neat's tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings in +their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard roes +of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not of +Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boccone), but of Bigorre, Longaulnay, +Brene, and Rouargue. In the vigour of his age he married Gargamelle, +daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed +wench. These two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully +rubbing and frotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so far, that at +last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the +eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly, +especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person +predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits. As +Homer says, that the child, which Neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a +whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month. For, as +Aulus Gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of +Neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form. For the like +reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last +forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of +Hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and tyrants wherewith it +was suppressed. My masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, have confirmed +that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also +maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant born of a woman +in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband. Hypocrates, lib. +de alimento. Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 5. Plautus, in his Cistelleria. +Marcus Varro, in his satire inscribed The Testament, alleging to this +purpose the authority of Aristotle. Censorinus, lib. de die natali. +Arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura animalium. Gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16. +Servius, in his exposition upon this verse of Virgil's eclogues, Matri +longa decem, &c., and a thousand other fools, whose number hath been +increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho. +fin. and in Auth. de restitut. et ea quae parit in xi mense. Moreover upon +these grounds they have foisted in their Robidilardic, or Lapiturolive law. +Gallus ff. de lib. et posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other +laws, which at this time I dare not name. By means whereof the honest +widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and +main, and as hard as they can, for the space of the first two months after +the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if +you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the +codpiece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they +happen within the third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the +deceased, if, before he died, he had no other children, and the mother +shall pass for an honest woman. + +When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not, +whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As Julia, the daughter of +the Emperor Octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but +when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive +not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading. And if any +blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon +their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of +their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, their +answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well +skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and +mysteries of superfetation: as Populia heretofore answered, according to +the relation of Macrobius, lib. 2. Saturnal. If the devil will not have +them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole. + + + +Chapter 1.IV. + +How Gargamelle, being great with Gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. + +The occasion and manner how Gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of +her child, was thus: and, if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut +fall out and make an escapade. Her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped +her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at +dinner too many godebillios. Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros. +Coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh +guimo meadows. Guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be +mowed twice a year. Of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred +sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the +entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith +to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their +wine the better. + +They had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so +delicious, that everyone licked his fingers. But the mischief was this, +that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in +that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had +been an undecent thing. It was therefore concluded, that they should be +all of them gulched up, without losing anything. To this effect they +invited all the burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche-Clermaud, of +Vaugaudry, without omitting the Coudray, Monpensier, the Gue de Vede, and +other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players +at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their +company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything. +Nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, +and that these tripes were no very commendable meat. They would fain, said +he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was. +Notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two +bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full. O the fair fecality wherewith she +swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff! + +After dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows, +where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant +bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport +to see them so frolic. + + + +Chapter 1.V. + +The Discourse of the Drinkers. + + +[Illustration: All Stiff Drinkers--1-05-006] + + +Then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be +snatched at in the very same place. Which purpose was no sooner mentioned, +but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great +bowls to ting, glasses to ring. Draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without +water. So, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither +some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over. A cessation and truce +with thirst. Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone? By my figgins, +godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so +currently as I would. You have catched a cold, gammer? Yea, forsooth, +sir. By the belly of Sanct Buff, let us talk of our drink: I never drink +but at my hours, like the Pope's mule. And I never drink but in my +breviary, like a fair father guardian. Which was first, thirst or +drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk +without being athirst? Nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio +praesupponit habitum. I am learned, you see: Foecundi calices quem non +fecere disertum? We poor innocents drink but too much without thirst. Not +I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present +or future. To prevent it, as you know, I drink for the thirst to come. I +drink eternally. This is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of +eternity. Let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays. Where is +my funnel? What, it seems I do not drink but by an attorney? Do you wet +yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? Pish, I understand not the +rhetoric (theoric, I should say), but I help myself somewhat by the +practice. Baste! enough! I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I +drink, and all for fear of dying. Drink always and you shall never die. +If I drink not, I am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent. I am stark dead +without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the +soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it. O you butlers, creators +of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and +everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and +sinewy bowels. He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it. This +entereth into my veins,--the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have +nothing of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which I +apparelled this morning. I have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and +stuffed my paunch. If the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well +as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or +when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me +they can demand. This hand of yours spoils your nose. O how many other +such will enter here before this go out! What, drink so shallow? It is +enough to break both girds and petrel. This is called a cup of +dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy. + +What difference is there between a bottle and a flagon. Great difference; +for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with a +vice (La bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.). Bravely +and well played upon the words! Our fathers drank lustily, and emptied +their cans. Well cacked, well sung! Come, let us drink: will you send +nothing to the river? Here is one going to wash the tripes. I drink no +more than a sponge. I drink like a Templar knight. And I, tanquam +sponsus. And I, sicut terra sine aqua. Give me a synonymon for a gammon +of bacon. It is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pulley. By a +pulley-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the +stomach. Hey! now, boys, hither, some drink, some drink. There is no +trouble in it. Respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I +could get up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very +high in the air. + +Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,--thus went in the tailor's stitch. Thus did +Bacchus conquer th' Inde--thus Philosophy, Melinde. A little rain allays a +great deal of wind: long tippling breaks the thunder. But if there came +such liquor from my ballock, would you not willingly thereafter suck the +udder whence it issued? Here, page, fill! I prithee, forget me not when +it comes to my turn, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into +the very register of my heart. Sup, Guillot, and spare not, there is +somewhat in the pot. I appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. +Page, sue out my appeal in form. This remnant in the bottom of the glass +must follow its leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I +leave nothing. Let us not make too much haste; it is requisite we carry +all along with us. Heyday, here are tripes fit for our sport, and, in +earnest, excellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) with the black +streak. O, for God's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. +Drink, or I will,--No, no, drink, I beseech you (Ou je vous, je vous +prie.). Sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can I +drink if I be not fairly spoke to. The concavities of my body are like +another Hell for their capacity. Lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas: +aides orcus: and eteros alter.). There is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in +all my body, where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will +bang it soundly. But this shall banish it utterly. Let us wind our horns +by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost +his thirst come not hither to seek it. Long clysters of drinking are to be +voided without doors. The great God made the planets, and we make the +platters neat. I have the word of the gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The +stone called asbestos is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my +paternity. Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston, but the thirst goes +away with drinking. I have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that +which is good against the biting of a mad dog. Keep running after a dog, +and he will never bite you; drink always before the thirst, and it will +never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred +eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands +wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. Hey now, lads, let us moisten +ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter. White wine here, wine, boys! +Pour out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill +(peascods on you) till it be full. My tongue peels. Lans trinque; to +thee, countryman, I drink to thee, good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, +lively! Ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped +over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best grape! I'faith, pure Greek, +Greek! O the fine white wine! upon my conscience, it is a kind of taffetas +wine,--hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool. +Courage, comrade, up thy heart, billy! We will not be beasted at this +bout, for I have got one trick. Ex hoc in hoc. There is no enchantment +nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it. My 'prenticeship is out, I +am a free man at this trade. I am prester mast (Prestre mace, maistre +passe.), Prish, Brum! I should say, master past. O the drinkers, those +that are a-dry, O poor thirsty souls! Good page, my friend, fill me here +some, and crown the wine, I pray thee. Like a cardinal! Natura abhorret +vacuum. Would you say that a fly could drink in this? This is after the +fashion of Switzerland. Clear off, neat, supernaculum! Come, therefore, +blades, to this divine liquor and celestial juice, swill it over heartily, +and spare not! It is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia. + + + +Chapter 1.VI. + +How Gargantua was born in a strange manner. + +Whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking, +Gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon +Grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly +and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was +best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was +like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient +she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh +arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was +somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that +the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she +should not so much as remember it. On, with a sheep's courage! quoth he. +Despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of +another. Ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are +men! Well, then, in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing that you will +have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you! What? said +Grangousier. Ha, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it +well enough. What, my member? said he. By the goat's blood, if it please +you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a knife. Alas, said +she, the Lord forbid, and pray Jesus to forgive me! I did not say it from +my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less +any kind of harm for my speaking so to you. But I am like to have work +enough to do to-day and all for your member, yet God bless you and it. + +Courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four +foremost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in +the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, I will be +so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with +you forthwith. A little while after she began to groan, lament and cry. +Then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below, +found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste +truly bad enough. This they thought had been the child, but it was her +fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight +entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many +tripes, as we have showed you before. Whereupon an old ugly trot in the +company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from +Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so +horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, +arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and +contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your +teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the +mass at Saint Martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth +he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of +two young mangy whores. By this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix +were presently loosed, through which the child sprang up and leaped, and +so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above +her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into two, and from thence +taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear. As +soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to do, Miez, miez, +miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted about, Some +drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him. +The noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the +countries at once of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me, that you do not +thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity. Though you believe +it not, I care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgment, +believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written. + +Is this beyond our law or our faith--against reason or the holy Scripture? +For my part, I find nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it. But +tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do +it? Ha, for favour sake, I beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize +your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it +is not impossible with God, and, if he pleased, all women henceforth should +bring forth their children at the ear. Was not Bacchus engendered out of +the very thigh of Jupiter? Did not Roquetaillade come out at his mother's +heel, and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? Was not Minerva born of +the brain, even through the ear of Jove? Adonis, of the bark of a myrrh +tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that egg which was laid and +hatched by Leda? But you would wonder more, and with far greater +amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius, +wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am +not I so impudent a liar as he was. Read the seventh book of his Natural +History, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more about this. + + + +Chapter 1.VII. + +After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, +bibbed, and curried the can. + + +[Illustration: One of the Girls Brought Him Wine--1-07-018] + + +The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard +the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of +this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; +whereupon he said in French, Que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is +to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast. Which the company +hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called Gargantua; because +it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in +imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrews; whereunto he +condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith. In the +meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that +is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the +font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good Christians. + +Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine +hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of Pautille and Brehemond, to +furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse +sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of +milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not +wanting some doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own +mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one +thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time. + +Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly +scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of +heresy. Thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time, +by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made for +him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio, +wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth +the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten +chins. He cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: for, to speak +truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by +reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had +befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral juice. Yet without +a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, +displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and +what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would +be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again, +and as still and quiet as ever. One of his governesses told me (swearing +by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the +sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as +if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon +consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to cheer +him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their +stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound +whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the +cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, and +barytonizing with his tail. + + + +Chapter 1.VIII. + +How they apparelled Gargantua. + +Being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his +own livery, which was white and blue. To work then went the tailors, and +with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to +the fashion that was then in request. I find by the ancient records or +pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer +at Montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. To make him +every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chasteleraud linen, +and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put +under his armpits. His shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the +plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point +of their needle (Besongner du cul, Englished The eye of the needle.) was +broken) began to work and occupy with the tail. There were taken up for +his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his +points fifteen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a half. Then was it that +men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets +to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply been +showed by Ockham upon the exponibles of Master Haultechaussade. + +For his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of +white broadcloth. They were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered, +channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins: and +were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask +as was needful: and remark, that he had very good leg-harness, +proportionable to the rest of his stature. + +For his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth, +and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly +fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a great +emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says Orpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and +Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the +natural member. The exiture, outjecting or outstanding, of his codpiece +was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and +strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his +breeches. But had you seen the fair embroidery of the small needlework +purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith's art set out +and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious rubies, fine turquoises, costly +emeralds, and Persian pearls, you would have compared it to a fair +cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you see in antiques, or as Rhea +gave to the two nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the nurses of Jupiter. + +And, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, +droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full +of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. I avow +God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more +of him in the book which I have made of the dignity of codpieces. One +thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well +furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical +codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only +with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex. + +For his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue +crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in +uniform cylinders. For the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred +hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling. + +For his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in +grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle +decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of +pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good +fellow and singular whipcan. + +His girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half +white and half blue, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of Valentia, +nor his dagger of Saragossa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos +borrachos maranisados como diablos: but he had a fair sword made of wood, +and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as any man +could wish. + +His purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by Herr +Pracontal, proconsul of Lybia. + +For his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting +two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by +true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the +necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes +of the beholders. For his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two +ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round, +of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of the +Marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or other +bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his plume, he wore a fair +great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of Hircania the +wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear. For the jewel or +brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three +score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man's +body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two +arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man's +nature; and about it was written in Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes, +or rather, Aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier +junctim propriissime homo. To wear about his neck, he had a golden chain, +weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks of gold, the links +thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set +in work green jaspers engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams +and sparks, as king Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them: and it reached +down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great +benefit all his life long, as the Greek physicians know well enough. For +his gloves were put in work sixteen otters' skins, and three of the +loupgarous, or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this +stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlouand. As +for the rings which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient +mark of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as +big as an ostrich's egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a +Turkey seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring made +of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; so +that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the +copper. All this was made by Captain Chappuys, and Alcofribas his good +agent. On the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made +spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and +a Physon emerald, of an inestimable value. For Hans Carvel, the king of +Melinda's jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions, +eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen French crowns of Berry, and +at so much did the Foucres of Augsburg prize them. + + + +Chapter 1.IX. + +The colours and liveries of Gargantua. + +Gargantua's colours were white and blue, as I have showed you before, by +which his father would give us to understand that his son to him was a +heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and +rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. I know well enough that, in +reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of +colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because +white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy. But without moving, +vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the weather is dangerous), +answer me, if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I +use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or +two of my bottle. What is it that induceth you, what stirs you up to +believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith, and blue constancy? +An old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking pedlars and balladmongers, +entitled The Blason of Colours. Who made it? Whoever it was, he was wise +in that he did not set his name to it. But, besides, I know not what I +should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness. His +presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without +cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe, by his +private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the +colour: which is the custom of tyrants, who will have their will to bear +sway in stead of equity, and not of the wise and learned, who with the +evidence of reason satisfy their readers. His sottishness and want of +spirit, in that he thought that, without any other demonstration or +sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish and +ridiculous impositions the rule of their devices. In effect, according to +the proverb, To a shitten tail fails never ordure, he hath found, it seems, +some simple ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high +round bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings, +according to which they carved and engraved their apophthegms and mottoes, +trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their +pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the +curtains and valances of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, +and, which is worse, placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base +tricks undiscoveredly amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend +sciences. In the like darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these +vain-glorious courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their +impresas to signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere--and +birds' pennes for pains--l'ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for +melancholy--a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or rising of +one's fortune--a bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt--non and a +corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last), un +lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for un licencie, a +graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter barrister-at-law; which +are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a +fox's tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a vizard made of a +cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth should offer, after the +restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France. + +By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather, +and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to signify +that I am in pain--a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't--one +pissing upwards for a bishop--the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel +full of fart-hings--a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the +sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the English bears it, for +the tail of a codfish--and a dog's turd for the dainty turret wherein lies +the love of my sweetheart. Far otherwise did heretofore the sages of +Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called hieroglyphics, which +none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of +the things represented by them. Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek +composed two books, and Polyphilus, in his Dream of Love, set down more. +In France you have a taste of them in the device or impresa of my Lord +Admiral, which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my +little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no +further, therefore must I return to the port from whence I came. Yet do I +hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by +philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and +from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and +what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my +cap, which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam said. + + + +Chapter 1.X. + +Of that which is signified by the colours white and blue. + +The white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at +random, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be +true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to +what presently I shall expound unto you. + +Aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good +and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and +pain, joy and grief,--and so of others,--if you couple them in such manner +that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the +other, it must follow by consequence that the other contrary must answer to +the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred. As, for example, +virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil. If one of +the contraries of the first kind be consonant to one of those of the +second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear that virtue is good, so +shall the other two contraries, which are evil and vice, have the same +connection, for vice is evil. + +This logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and +sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically +contrary. If so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then +should white import joy. Nor is this signification instituted by human +imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which +philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrollable +right of force in all countries whatsoever. For you know well enough that +all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient Syracusans +and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean +outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning +is done with black. Which general consent is not without some argument and +reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly +comprehend, without the instruction of any--and this we call the law of +nature. By virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white all +the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. In +former times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, and +fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and unfortunate +ones with black. Is not the night mournful, sad, and melancholic? It is +black and dark by the privation of light. Doth not the light comfort all +the world? And it is more white than anything else. Which to prove, I +could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus; but an +evangelical testimony I hope will content you. Matth. 17 it is said that, +at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut +lux, his apparel was made white like the light. By which lightsome +whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and figure of +the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the +word of the old woman, who, although she had never a tooth in her head, was +wont to say, Bona lux. And Tobit, chap.5, after he had lost his sight, +when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see +the light of Heaven? In that colour did the angels testify the joy of the +whole world at the resurrection of our Saviour, John 20, and at his +ascension, Acts 1. With the like colour of vesture did St. John the +Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blessed +Jerusalem. + +Read the ancient, both Greek and Latin histories, and you shall find that +the town of Alba (the first pattern of Rome) was founded and so named by +reason of a white sow that was seen there. You shall likewise find in +those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was +by decree of the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode in +a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the ovation triumph was also the +custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the +joy of their coming as by the white. You shall there also find, how +Pericles, the general of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his +army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in +mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting. A thousand +other examples and places could I allege to this purpose, but that it is +not here where I should do it. + +By understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which Alexander +Aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable: why the lion, who with his only +cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock? +For, as Proclus saith, Libro de Sacrificio et Magia, it is because the +presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary of all +terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white +cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical +quality, than with a lion. He saith, furthermore, that devils have been +often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white cock have +presently vanished. This is the cause why Galli or Gallices (so are the +Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the +Greeks call Gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for by +nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and +well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower +of any, the Flower de luce or Lily. + +If you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and +gladness, I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus. For, as the +white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby +the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of +Aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise +perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, how +you will complain that you cannot see well; as Xenophon writes to have +happened to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu +partium: just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and +suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far +on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence +of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as Galen saith, +lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de symptomatum +causis. And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus +Tullius, lib. 1, Quaest. Tuscul., Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius, in his +relation of the battle of Cannae, Plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, A. +Gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,--to Diagoras the Rhodian, +Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Philemon, +Polycrates, Philistion, M. Juventi, and others who died with joy. And as +Avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the saffron, that +it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it excessively, it will +by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it altogether of life. +Here peruse Alex. Aphrodiseus, lib. 1, Probl., cap. 19, and that for a +cause. But what? It seems I am entered further into this point than I +intended at the first. Here, therefore, will I strike sail, referring the +rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter to the full. +Meanwhile, in a word I will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify +heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols that white +signifieth joy and pleasure. + + + +Chapter 1.XI. + +Of the youthful age of Gargantua. + + +[Illustration: On the Road to the Castle--1-11-026] + + +Gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and +instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father; +and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is, +in drinking, eating, and sleeping: in eating, sleeping, and drinking: and +in sleeping, drinking, and eating. Still he wallowed and rolled up and +down himself in the mire and dirt--he blurred and sullied his nose with +filth--he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff--he +trod down his shoes in the heel--at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and +ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his +father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on +his sleeve--he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and +dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere--he would drink in his slipper, +and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier. He sharpened his teeth +with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a +bowl. He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground +--would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup. He +did eat his cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh +in biting. Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss +against the sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain. He would +strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle +it. He would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, +and turn the hogs to the hay. He would beat the dogs before the lion, put +the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. He would pump +one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, +and always eat his white bread first. He shoed the geese, kept a +self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen: +made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at matins, and found +it very convenient so to do. He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,--knew +flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet. He would +scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could. He would +pull at the kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his +host. He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the +moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. Out of one +sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would act the ass's +part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a mallet. He took the +cranes at the first leap, and would have the mail-coats to be made link +after link. He always looked a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the +cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green. By robbing Peter he +paid Paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch larks if +ever the heavens should fall. He did make of necessity virtue, of such +bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven. +Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father's little dogs eat +out of the dish with him, and he with them. He would bite their ears, and +they would scratch his nose--he would blow in their arses, and they would +lick his chaps. + +But hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your +brains, if you do not give ear! This little lecher was always groping his +nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri +bourriquet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in +jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to +exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice. Which codpiece, or +braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair +nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very +pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their +fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and +stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up +salve spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, when they +saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them. One of them would +call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, +her dandilolly. Another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her +membretoon, her quickset imp: another again, her branch of coral, her +female adamant, her placket-racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her jewel for +ladies. And some of the other women would give it these names,--my +bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty +borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling +hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser, +pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, futilletie, +my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille, +my pretty rogue, and so forth. It belongs to me, said one. It is mine, +said the other. What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? By my +faith, I will cut it then. Ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt him. +Madam, do you cut little children's things? Were his cut off, he would be +then Monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master. And that he might play and +sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country, +they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of the windmill of +Myrebalais. + + + +Chapter 1.XII. + +Of Gargantua's wooden horses. + + +[Illustration: Led Them up the Great Staircase--1-12-028] + + +Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to +him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out +behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, +amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding: go the gait of the camel, +and of the wild ass. He made him also change his colour of hair, as the +monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do +their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun, +deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the +colour of the savage elk. + +Himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily +service of the beam of a vinepress: and of a great oak made up a mule, +with a footcloth, for his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve +spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his +own chamber, close by his bedside. One day the Lord of Breadinbag +(Painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant +train: and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the Duke of +Freemeal (Francrepas.) and the Earl of Wetgullet (Mouillevent.). The house +truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the +stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag, +to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to +Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of +the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all. +Then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second +hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower, +and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to +the steward, This child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top +of the house. You may be mistaken, said the steward, for I know some +places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have +their stables at the very tops of the houses: so it may be that behind the +house there is a way to come to this ascent. But I will question with him +further. Then said he to Gargantua, My pretty little boy, whither do you +lead us? To the stable, said he, of my great horses. We are almost come +to it; we have but these stairs to go up at. Then leading them alongst +another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the +door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet; +this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on +them with a great lever. I will bestow upon you, said he, this Friesland +horse; I had him from Frankfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a +pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, half a +dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds: thus are you king of the +hares and partridges for all this winter. By St. John, said they, now we +are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever. +I deny it, said he,--he was not here above three days. Judge you now, +whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to +laugh at the jest. As they were going down again thus amazed, he asked +them, Will you have a whimwham (Aubeliere.)? What is that, said they? It +is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle. To-day, said the steward, +though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty +well quipped and larded, in my opinion. O my jolly dapper boy, thou hast +given us a gudgeon; I hope to see thee Pope before I die. I think so, said +he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a +perfect papelard, that is, dissembler. Well, well, said the harbinger. +But, said Gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother's +smock. Sixteen, quoth the harbinger. You do not speak gospel, said +Gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not +reckon them ill, considering the two under holes. When? said the +harbinger. Even then, said Gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose +to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put +it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. +Cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater. Farewell, master +tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and +so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted. + +Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall +the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon Gargantua +said, What a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your +bilder to fail you when you need him most. If you were to go from hence to +Cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a +leash? I had rather drink, said the harbinger. With this they entered +into the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new +story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies. + + + +Chapter 1.XIII. + +How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father +Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech. + +About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of +the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he +filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of +his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish +questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and +with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other +things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this +Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that +in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How +is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and +curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the +most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that? +said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. +Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be +good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my +fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that +was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that +I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there +was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox +take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. +Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made +them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a +page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion. + +Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I +wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and +exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning +thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent +perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage, +with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with +beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, +wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. +All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, +with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, +which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the +sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras +hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a +handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than +do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which +torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua, +and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and +knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with +thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but, + + Who his foul tail with paper wipes, + Shall at his ballocks leave some chips. + +What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that +thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I +can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. Hark, what +our privy says to the skiters: + + +Shittard, +Squirtard, +Crackard, + Turdous, +Thy bung +Hath flung +Some dung + On us: +Filthard, +Cackard, +Stinkard, + St. Antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?), +If thy +Dirty +Dounby + Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone. + +Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said +Gargantua, + +A Roundelay. + +In shitting yes'day I did know +The sess I to my arse did owe: +The smell was such came from that slunk, +That I was with it all bestunk: +O had but then some brave Signor +Brought her to me I waited for, + In shitting! + +I would have cleft her watergap, +And join'd it close to my flipflap, +Whilst she had with her fingers guarded +My foul nockandrow, all bemerded + In shitting. + +Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making, +but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever +since have retained them in the budget of my memory. + +Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to +skite? No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, +will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank +and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, truly, said +Grangousier. + +There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul; +foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must +before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy, said +Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very +shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by +G--, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this +torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for +one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton +wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. +Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, +with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and +unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, +and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others +with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very +neat abstersion of the fecal matter. + +Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a +calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an +attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, +to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, +bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is +none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, +if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine +honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful +pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the +temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut +and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of +the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and +demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, +ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, +according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a +goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of +Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus. + + + +Chapter 1.XIV. + +How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister. + +The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with +admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his +son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew +the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for +his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure +to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls, +breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and +putting another out of his jawbone. This by Alexander being considered, +one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the breaking and +managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the horse +proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting +on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell behind, +and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. Whereby his +father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most +carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly +renowned above all the philosophers of Greece. After the same manner I +tell you, that by this only discourse, which now I have here had before you +with my son Gargantua, I know that his understanding doth participate of +some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have that education +which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom. Therefore +will I commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according +to his capacity, and will spare no cost. Presently they appointed him a +great sophister-doctor, called Master Tubal Holofernes, who taught him his +ABC so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was +five years and three months. Then read he to him Donat, Le Facet, +Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis. About this he was thirteen years, six +months, and two weeks. But you must remark that in the mean time he did +learn to write in Gothic characters, and that he wrote all his books--for +the art of printing was not then in use--and did ordinarily carry a great +pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thousand quintals (that is, 700,000 +pound weight), the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great +pillars of Enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains, it +being of the wideness of a tun of merchant ware. After that he read unto +him the book de modis significandi, with the commentaries of Hurtbise, of +Fasquin, of Tropdieux, of Gualhaut, of John Calf, of Billonio, of +Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more than +eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it that, to try +masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by +heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his finger-ends to his mother, +quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. Then did he read to him the +compost for knowing the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, and tides +of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly +at the time that his said preceptor died of the French pox, which was in +the year one thousand four hundred and twenty. Afterwards he got an old +coughing fellow to teach him, named Master Jobelin Bride, or muzzled dolt, +who read unto him Hugutio, Hebrard('s) Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Parts, +the Quid est, the Supplementum, Marmotretus, De moribus in mensa servandis, +Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commento, and +Dormi secure for the holidays, and some other of such like mealy stuff, by +reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven. + + + +Chapter 1.XV. + +How Gargantua was put under other schoolmasters. + +At the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that, +although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, +but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish, +whereof making a heavy regret to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy or Depute +King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing +at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters; +because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but +blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and +to corrupt all the flower of youth. That it is so, take, said he, any +young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,--if he have not a +better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms +than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of +persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer of +Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should +be done. At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page +of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in +his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and +comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more +than of a human creature. Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this +young boy? He is not as yet full twelve years old. Let us try, if it +please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting +Mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now. The trial +pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin. Then Eudemon, +asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his +hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes +steady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty, +standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; +first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge, +thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and, +in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with +all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up. In the +end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the +least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of +heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service. All +this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct +pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so +good Latin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the +time past, than a youth of this age. But all the countenance that +Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his +face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from +him, no more than a fart from a dead ass. Whereat his father was so +grievously vexed that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said Des +Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he +pacified his wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his +wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with good +drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell. At least, +said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he should die +as drunk as a Switzer. Master Jobelin being gone out of the house, +Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what schoolmaster they should choose +for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that Ponocrates, the tutor of +Eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to +Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time. + + + +Chapter 1.XVI. + +How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode +on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the Beauce. + + +[Illustration: He Went to See the City--1-16-036] + + +In the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the +country of Africa to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever +was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is +said that Africa always is productive of some new thing. She was as big as +six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesar's +horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little +horn on her buttock. She was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture +of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was +little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of St. +Mark beside Langes: and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or +hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards are +upon the ears of corn. + +If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian rams, +which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the Surian sheep, who need, +if Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it +is so long and heavy. You female lechers in the plain countries have no +such tails. And she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine +unto the harbour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Grangousier saw her, Here +is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to Paris. So now, in the name of +God, all will be well. He will in times coming be a great scholar. If it +were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks. The next +morning--after they had drunk, you must understand--they took their +journey; Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and with them +Eudemon, the young page. And because the weather was fair and temperate, +his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,--Babin calls them +buskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high +way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a +little above Orleans, in which place there was a forest of five-and-thirty +leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This forest was +most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that +it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses. But +Gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein +committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no +suspicion. For as soon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and +that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail, +and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them that she overthrew all the +wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise +and sidewise, over and under, and felled everywhere the wood with as much +ease as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there +been there neither wood nor dorflies: for all the country was thereby +reduced to a plain champaign field. Which Gargantua took great pleasure to +behold, and said to his company no more but this: Je trouve beau ce (I +find this pretty); whereupon that country hath been ever since that time +called Beauce. But all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a +little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the gentlemen of Beauce do as +yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very +good, and do spit the better for it. At last they came to Paris, where +Gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his +folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and +what wine they drunk there. + + + +Chapter 1.XVII. + +How Gargantua paid his welcome to the Parisians, and how he took away the +great bells of Our Lady's Church. + + +[Illustration: Gargantua Visiting the Shops--1-17-038] + + +Some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the +city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the +people of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature, +that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with +cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, +shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical +preacher. And they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to +rest himself upon the towers of Our Lady's Church. At which place, seeing +so many about him, he said with a loud voice, I believe that these buzzards +will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my Proficiat. It is +but good reason. I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in +sport. Then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his +mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed them, that he +drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides +the women and little children. Some, nevertheless, of the company escaped +this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher +end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, +they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in +jest. Carimari, carimara: golynoly, golynolo. By my sweet Sanctess, we +are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;--in French, Par ris, for +which that city hath been ever since called Paris; whose name formerly was +Leucotia, as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the Greek word leukotes, +whiteness,--because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place. And +forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new name, all the people that were +there swore everyone by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are +patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both +good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon Joanninus +de Barrauco, libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are +called Parisians from the Greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and +liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, which were in +the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously. Which whilst he +was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for +tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck when +she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with +Brie cheese and fresh herring. And indeed he forthwith carried them to his +lodging. In the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of St. +Anthony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish +stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was +in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away +privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that +they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. +This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the +city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight +occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations +wonder at the patience of the kings of France, who do not by good justice +restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold +inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the +shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that I +might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish! Believe for +a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus +sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called Nesle, where then +was, but now is no more, the oracle of Leucotia. There was the case +proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells. +After they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that +they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto +Gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they +sustain by the want of those bells. And notwithstanding the good reasons +given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an orator +than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Janotus de +Bragmardo. + + + +Chapter 1.XVIII. + +How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua to recover the great bells. + +Master Janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his +most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate's hood, and having +sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, bread and +holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua, +driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five +or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the mire of the +streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them +so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of their wits, +which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the +company what this mummery meant. It was answered him, that they desired to +have their bells restored to them. As soon as Ponocrates heard that, he +ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready +to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua being +advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus, +steward of his house, Gymnastes, his esquire, and Eudemon, and very +summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do and what answer he +should give. They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the +goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like +roysters and line their jackets soundly. And that this cougher might not +be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were restored at his +request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the pot, for the +mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church, +unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had +propounded his commission. After that, in their hearing, he should +pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, the +sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing. + + + +Chapter 1.XIX. + +The oration of Master Janotus de Bragmardo for recovery of the bells. + +Hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day. Et vobis, my masters. It were but +reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of +them. Hem, hem, aihfuhash. We have oftentimes heretofore refused good +money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and those of Bourdeaux in +Brie, who would have bought them for the substantific quality of the +elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their +quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon +our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. For if we lose the +piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. If you +restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six basketfuls of +sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of +good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob, Domine, a +pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Ha, ha, a +pair of breeches is not so easily got; I have experience of it myself. +Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen days in matagrabolizing this +brave speech. Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et quae sunt Dei, Deo. +Ibi jacet lepus. By my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris, +by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin. Ego occiditunum +porcum, et ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we cannot make bad +Latin. Well, de parte Dei date nobis bellas nostras. Hold, I give you in +the name of the faculty a Sermones de Utino, that utinam you would give us +our bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? Per diem vos habebitis, et nihil +payabitis. O, sir, Domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. +They are useful to everybody. If they fit your mare well, so do they do +our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis facta +est eis, Psalmo nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my note-book, et est +unum bonum Achilles, a good defending argument. Hem, hem, hem, haikhash! +For I prove unto you, that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor. +Omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellativo, bellare +facit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas. Ergo gluc, Ha, ha, +ha. This is spoken to some purpose. It is in tertio primae, in Darii, or +elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in +arguing, but now I am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup +of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a +good deep dish. Hei, Domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et +Spiritus sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells: and God keep you from +evil, and our Lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula +seculorum, Amen. Hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash. + +Verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul. Edepol, quoniam, ita certe, +medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an +ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals. Therefore be assured, +until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, +like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a +crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals. A certain +latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the +authority of one Taponnus,--I lie, it was one Pontanus the secular poet, +--who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a +foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his +brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines. But nac +petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse +malf, he was declared an heretic. We make them as of wax. And no more +saith the deponent. Valete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui. + + + +Chapter 1.XX. + +How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law +against the other masters. + +The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in +a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up +the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, +seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass +eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of +laughing. Together with them Master Janotus fell a-laughing too as fast as +he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes +did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by +which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the +optic nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus Heraclitizing and +Heraclitus Democritizing. + +When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his +retinue what should be done. There Ponocrates was of opinion that they +should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them +more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done, +that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his +pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of +logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a +deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. All +this was done as they did appoint: only Gargantua, doubting that they +could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew +not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale +fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more +easy caguing: or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and +comfort of his kidneys: or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the +bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with straight cannions, +having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of over-heating his +reins:--all which considered, he caused to be given him seven ells of white +cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the porters, the masters of +arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and Master Janotus himself would +carry the cloth. One of the said masters, called Jousse Bandouille, showed +him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, +and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them. Ha, said Janotus, +baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et +figura. For lo, to this end serve the suppositions and parva logicalia. +Pannus, pro quo supponit? Confuse, said Bandouille, et distributive. I do +not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? It +is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, +sicut suppositum portat appositum. So did he carry it away very close and +covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did his cloth. The best was, that when +this cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with +great confidence required his breeches and sausages, and that they were +flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the +informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratis, and out +of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their +promises. Notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be +content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there. Reason? +said Janotus. We use none of it here. Unlucky traitors, you are not worth +the hanging. The earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are. I +know it well enough; halt not before the lame. I have practised wickedness +with you. By God's rattle, I will inform the king of the enormous abuses +that are forged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper, +if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, traitors, heretics and +seducers, enemies to God and virtue. + +Upon these words they framed articles against him: he on the other side +warned them to appear. In sum, the process was retained by the court, and +is there as yet. Hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott +themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: +Master Janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their noses, +until judgment were given by a definitive sentence. + +By these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for +the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as +yet. The judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next +Greek kalends, that is, never. As you know that they do more than nature, +and contrary to their own articles. The articles of Paris maintain that to +God alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal; +for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, +according to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c. But these thick +mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite +and immortal. In doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified +the saying of Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at Delphos, +that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and that pleaders +are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than +to the final decision of their pretended rights. + + + +Chapter 1.XXI. + +The study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters +the Sophisters. + +The first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own +place, the citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered +to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took +in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of Biere. I think +she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study +to the discretion of Ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he +should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what +means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and +ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that +ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o'clock, whether it was day +or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which +David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and +toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up +and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the +season: but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, +furred with fox-skins. Afterwards he combed his head with an Almain comb, +which is the four fingers and the thumb. For his preceptor said that to +comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in +this world. Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, +spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon, +and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good +fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store +of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat +of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed +together. Ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after +rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. +Gargantua answered, What! have not I sufficiently well exercised myself? I +have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose. +Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Jew his +physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. My +first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good +memory, and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine +but the better. And Master Tubal, who was the first licenciate at Paris, +told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes: so +doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking +in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde +versus, + + To rise betimes is no good hour, + To drink betimes is better sure. + +After that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they +carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered +breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little +more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard +six-and-twenty or thirty masses. This while, to the same place came his +orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted +whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the +vine-tree-syrup. With him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical +breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not +so much as one grain to the ground. As he went from the church, they +brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters +and aves of St. Claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a +hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he +said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done. Then +did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; but, +as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen. Pissing then a full +urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he +began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes +of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other +forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his +mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls. +Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the +ease of his kidneys. When that was done, he ate according to the season +meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly +began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness. As for his drinking, he +had in that neither end nor rule. For he was wont to say, That the limits +and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh +swelleth up half a foot high. + + + +Chapter 1.XXII. + +The games of Gargantua. + +Then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace, +he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog, +and talked jovially with his attendants. Then the carpet being spread, +they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of +chequers and chessboards. + +There he played. +At flush. At love. +At primero. At the chess. +At the beast. At Reynard the fox. +At the rifle. At the squares. +At trump. At the cows. +At the prick and spare not. At the lottery. +At the hundred. At the chance or mumchance. +At the peeny. At three dice or maniest bleaks. +At the unfortunate woman. At the tables. +At the fib. At nivinivinack. +At the pass ten. At the lurch. +At one-and-thirty. At doublets or queen's game. +At post and pair, or even and At the faily. + sequence. At the French trictrac. +At three hundred. At the long tables or ferkeering. +At the unlucky man. At feldown. +At the last couple in hell. At tod's body. +At the hock. At needs must. +At the surly. At the dames or draughts. +At the lansquenet. At bob and mow. +At the cuckoo. At primus secundus. +At puff, or let him speak that At mark-knife. + hath it. At the keys. +At take nothing and throw out. At span-counter. +At the marriage. At even or odd. +At the frolic or jackdaw. At cross or pile. +At the opinion. At ball and huckle-bones. +At who doth the one, doth the At ivory balls. + other. At the billiards. +At the sequences. At bob and hit. +At the ivory bundles. At the owl. +At the tarots. At the charming of the hare. +At losing load him. At pull yet a little. +At he's gulled and esto. At trudgepig. +At the torture. At the magatapies. +At the handruff. At the horn. +At the click. At the flowered or Shrovetide ox. +At honours. At the madge-owlet. +At pinch without laughing. At tilt at weeky. +At prickle me tickle me. At ninepins. +At the unshoeing of the ass. At the cock quintin. +At the cocksess. At tip and hurl. +At hari hohi. At the flat bowls. +At I set me down. At the veer and turn. +At earl beardy. At rogue and ruffian. +At the old mode. At bumbatch touch. +At draw the spit. At the mysterious trough. +At put out. At the short bowls. +At gossip lend me your sack. At the dapple-grey. +At the ramcod ball. At cock and crank it. +At thrust out the harlot. At break-pot. +At Marseilles figs. At my desire. +At nicknamry. At twirly whirlytrill. +At stick and hole. At the rush bundles. +At boke or him, or flaying the fox. At the short staff. +At the branching it. At the whirling gig. +At trill madam, or grapple my lady. At hide and seek, or are you all +At the cat selling. hid? +At blow the coal. At the picket. +At the re-wedding. At the blank. +At the quick and dead judge. At the pilferers. +At unoven the iron. At the caveson. +At the false clown. At prison bars. +At the flints, or at the nine stones.At have at the nuts. +At to the crutch hulch back. At cherry-pit. +At the Sanct is found. At rub and rice. +At hinch, pinch and laugh not. At whiptop. +At the leek. At the casting top. +At bumdockdousse. At the hobgoblins. +At the loose gig. At the O wonderful. +At the hoop. At the soily smutchy. +At the sow. At fast and loose. +At belly to belly. At scutchbreech. +At the dales or straths. At the broom-besom. +At the twigs. At St. Cosme, I come to adore +At the quoits. thee. +At I'm for that. At the lusty brown boy. +At I take you napping. At greedy glutton. +At fair and softly passeth Lent. At the morris dance. +At the forked oak. At feeby. +At truss. At the whole frisk and gambol. +At the wolf's tail. At battabum, or riding of the +At bum to buss, or nose in breech. wild mare. +At Geordie, give me my lance. At Hind the ploughman. +At swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou. At the good mawkin. +At stook and rook, shear and At the dead beast. + threave. At climb the ladder, Billy. +At the birch. At the dying hog. +At the muss. At the salt doup. +At the dilly dilly darling. At the pretty pigeon. +At ox moudy. At barley break. +At purpose in purpose. At the bavine. +At nine less. At the bush leap. +At blind-man-buff. At crossing. +At the fallen bridges. At bo-peep. +At bridled nick. At the hardit arsepursy. +At the white at butts. At the harrower's nest. +At thwack swinge him. At forward hey. +At apple, pear, plum. At the fig. +At mumgi. At gunshot crack. +At the toad. At mustard peel. +At cricket. At the gome. +At the pounding stick. At the relapse. +At jack and the box. At jog breech, or prick him +At the queens. forward. +At the trades. At knockpate. +At heads and points. At the Cornish c(h)ough. +At the vine-tree hug. At the crane-dance. +At black be thy fall. At slash and cut. +At ho the distaff. At bobbing, or flirt on the +At Joan Thomson. nose. +At the bolting cloth. At the larks. +At the oat's seed. At fillipping. + +After he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was +thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and, +immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a +fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours +together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened he +would shake his ears a little. In the mean time they brought him fresh +wine. There he drank better than ever. Ponocrates showed him that it was +an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is, answered Gargantua, the +very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally I sleep salt, +and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon. Then +began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of +beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old +mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding +and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin. +At his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the +spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper. And supped very +well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours +that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they +told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others he had +for domestics the Lords of Fou, of Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny. +After supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the +books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards--or +the fair flush, one, two, three--or at all, to make short work; or else +they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets, +intermixed with collations and rear-suppers. Then did he sleep, without +unbridling, until eight o'clock in the next morning. + + + +Chapter 1.XXIII. + +How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, +that he lost not one hour of the day. + + +[Illustration: He did Swim in Deep Waters--1-23-048] + + +When Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to +bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering +that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence. +Therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned physician +of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it were +possible, how to bring Gargantua into a better course. The said physician +purged him canonically with Anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he +cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his brain. By this +means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his +ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, who had been +instructed under other musicians. To do this the better, they brought him +into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he +had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to improve his +parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying, +that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in +learning and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked, then, about four o'clock +in the morning. Whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto +him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a +pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page +born in Basche, named Anagnostes. According to the purpose and argument of +that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send +up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his majesty and +marvellous judgment. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion +of his natural digestions. There his master repeated what had been read, +expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points. In returning, +they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it +the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the +moon for that day. This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, +and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day +before. He himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some +practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute +sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was +fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. +This done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the +lecture, either unto a field near the university called the Brack, or unto +the meadows, where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the +piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at +a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly +they had done their minds. All their play was but in liberty, for they +left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over +all their body, or were otherwise weary. Then were they very well wiped +and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking soberly, went to see if +dinner was ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and +eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture. +In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down +at table. At the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant +history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass +of wine. Then, if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to +discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety, +efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table; of bread, of +wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of +their dressing. By means whereof he learned in a little time all the +passages competent for this that were to be found in Pliny, Athenaeus, +Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyry, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore, +Aristotle, Aelian, and others. Whilst they talked of these things, many +times, to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to +the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things +above said, that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so +much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the +morning, and, ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of +quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, washed his hands +and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine +cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done, +they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks +and new inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means +he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and +supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards +and dice; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and +practical part thereof, that Tunstall the Englishman, who had written very +largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had +no skill at all. And not only in that, but in the other mathematical +sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, &c. For in waiting on the +concoction and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand +pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure +practise the astronomical canons. + +After this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or +five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased +them. In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute, +the virginals, the harp, the Almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and +the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge +his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study +for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures +as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to +draw and form the antique and Roman letters. This being done, they went +out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of Touraine, named the +Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the art of riding. Changing then his +clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish jennet, a +barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a +hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free +the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both +to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; for it is the +greatest foolery in the world to say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or +in fight. A carpenter can do even as much. But it is a glorious and +praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies. +Therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he +usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the +ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat and gauntlet. All +this he did in complete arms from head to foot. As for the prancing +flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of the horse, +commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The cavallerize of +Ferrara was but as an ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in +leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground, +and these horses were called desultories. He could likewise from either +side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and +rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful +in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he +so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management +of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it, that he passed +knight of arms in the field, and at all essays. + +Then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the +backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with +a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. Then would he hunt the hart, the +roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant, +the partridge, and the bustard. He played at the balloon, and made it +bound in the air, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jumped--not +at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the +hare's leap, nor yet at the Almains; for, said Gymnast, these jumps are for +the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use--but at one leap he would +skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp +and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a +lance. He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways, +with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he +held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of Seine without +wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius +Caesar; then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat, +from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the +depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. Then +turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the +stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one +hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted +the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the +decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the +helm. Coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and +with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again. He climbed up at +trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel. He +did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo; then with +two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the +wall to the very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from +the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members that by the +fall he would catch no harm. + +He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, +the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert. He broke the strongest bows +in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took +his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted +the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a +height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, sideways, +and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a cable-rope to the top of a +high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself +with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track came down so +sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more +assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees. There would he +hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would +go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness that +hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to exercise his +breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell. I heard him +once call Eudemon from St. Victor's gate to Montmartre. Stentor had never +such a voice at the siege of Troy. Then for the strengthening of his +nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them +weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, which they called +alteres. Those he took up from the ground, in each hand one, then lifted +them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of +an hour and more, which was an inimitable force. He fought at barriers +with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when it came to the +cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the +strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont +to do of old. In whose imitation, likewise, he held a pomegranate in his +hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. The time being thus +bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other +clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows, +or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with +what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as Theophrast, +Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home +to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called Rizotomos +had charge; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks, +cabbies, pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborizing. +Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated +certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to table. Here +remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to +prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large, +for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which, +indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic, +although a rabble of loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling +shop of sophisters, counsel the contrary. During that repast was continued +the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent +in good discourse, learned and profitable. After that they had given +thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious +instruments, or otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with +cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain with cups and +balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making +themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they +would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in +strange and remote countries. When it was full night before they retired +themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face +of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the +figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the +fixed stars and planets. + +Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the +Pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood +in the whole course of that day. + +Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and +strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless +bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they +recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future. Which being +done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest. + + + +Chapter 1.XXIV. + +How Gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. + +If it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all +the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with +this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct +the distempers of the air. But after dinner, instead of their wonted +exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, a +making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in bottling +up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn +at the barn. Then they studied the art of painting or carving; or brought +into use the antique play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as +our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing they examined the +passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is mentioned or any +metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of metals, +or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries did work; as also the +goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones. Nor did they omit to visit the +alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers, +watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, and other such +kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did +learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. They went +also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the +repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and +sermons of evangelical preachers. He went through the halls and places +appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at +all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as, +yea, more than, they. And, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops +of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the +fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some +foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. He went to see the +jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their +cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of +those of Chauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave +givers of fibs, in matter of green apes. + +At their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times, +and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate +moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitive, +might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any +prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was Gargantua +governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day +profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a +pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued. Which, although at +the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, +and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the +study of a scholar. Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from this +vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some +fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either +towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charanton bridge, or to +Vanves, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the +greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking +healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, +unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs. +But although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not +spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain +pleasant verses of Virgil's agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politian's +husbandry, would set a-broach some witty Latin epigrams, then immediately +turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the French language. +In their feasting they would sometimes separate the water from the wine +that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, and Pliny with +an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then take it out +again with a funnel as pure as ever. They made the water go from one glass +to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to +say, moving of themselves. + + + +Chapter 1.XXV. + +How there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of +Lerne, and those of Gargantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars. + +At that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest, +when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the +starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of Lerne happened +to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve +horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to +give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market. For +here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast +hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red +grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that +are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt +the length of a hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and +oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and +conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage +thinkers. The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to +their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, +calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy +rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy +loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, +cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets, +drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, +forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base +loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, +blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish +loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels, +gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer +flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other +suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to +eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the +coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf. To +which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest fellow +of his person and a notable springal, made answer very calmly thus: How +long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud? Indeed +formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us +have any for our money? This is not the part of good neighbours, neither +do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you +make your cakes and buns. Besides that, we would have given you to the +bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent +it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you +after the like manner, and therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime +man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, sir, thou +art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too +much millet and bolymong. Come hither, sirrah, come hither, I will give +thee some cakes. Whereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity +went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking +that Marquet would have sold him some of his cakes. But, instead of cakes, +he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the +marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them, then would have fled +away; but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O, murder, murder, help, +help, help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he +carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his +head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, +that Marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead than living man. +Meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their walnuts +near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, +and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon +green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable +shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and +throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail. At last +they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their +cakes. Nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them +over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries. Then +did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare Marquet, who was most +shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution +they had to go to Pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the +cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of Seville and Sinays. This done, the +shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, +and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, +scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day +met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the +morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's leg some fair great red +medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was +quickly cured. + + + +Chapter 1.XXVI. + +How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their king, +assaulted the shepherds of Gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden. + +The cake-bakers, being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did +either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their king, called +Picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their +panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes +taken away, but, above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying that +all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, +near the broad highway beyond Seville. Picrochole incontinent grew angry +and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore, +commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country, +that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain of the +halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the +castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he +caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilst his dinner was +making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to +display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains +with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and +victuals. At dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his express +edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were +numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or firelocks, together +with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers. The great +Touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein +were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double +cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons, +bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of great guns. The +rearguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood. In the main battle was +the king and the princes of his kingdom. Thus being hastily furnished, +before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen, +under the conduct of Captain Swillwind, to discover the country, clear the +avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them. But, after +they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace +and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole +understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his +colours. Then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or +file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, +destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor +nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away +oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, +hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and +such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the +hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, +that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with +none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them +that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always +carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had +never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus +suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not +desist, God would punish them very shortly. To which expostulations and +remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to +eat cakes. + + + +Chapter 1.XXVII. + +How a monk of Seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by +the enemy. + + +[Illustration: The Monks Knew Not--1-27-060] + + +So much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last +they came to Seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all +they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. +Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they +nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that +was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a +most wonderful case. For the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians, +chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to +heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of +the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any +harm at all. Whence comes this to pass, my masters? I beseech you think +upon it. The town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a +horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against +them. Whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or +ford called the Gue de Vede, except seven companies of foot and two hundred +lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to waste, +spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place. The +monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their sancts +they should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the +bells ad capitulum capitulantes. There it was decreed that they should +make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies +contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. + +There was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar John of the +funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, +lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, +wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler +of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word, +a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked a +monkery: for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary. +This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of +the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that +they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the +foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the +church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many +bell-melters. Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, +tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, +nenum, num: It is well shit, well sung, said he. By the virtue of God, +why do not you sing, Panniers, farewell, vintage is done? The devil snatch +me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut so well +both vines and grapes, that, by Cod's body, there will not be found for +these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly of +Sanct James, what shall we poor devils drink the while? Lord God! da mihi +potum. Then said the prior of the convent: What should this drunken +fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine +service. Nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so +that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of +the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth +dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm. But these responses that +you chant here, by G--, are not in season. Wherefore is it, that our +devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, +and long in the advent, and all the winter? The late friar, Massepelosse, +of good memory, a true zealous man, or else I give myself to the devil, of +our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in +this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whiff it up. +Hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cop's body, follow me; for +Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one +drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine. +Hog's belly, the goods of the church! Ha, no, no. What the devil, Sanct +Thomas of England was well content to die for them; if I died in the same +cause, should not I be a sanct likewise? Yes. Yet shall not I die there +for all this, for it is I that must do it to others and send them +a-packing. + +As he spake this he threw off his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon +the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbapple-tree, it +being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little +powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was +almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted +jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and in this +equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so +lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or +ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the +vineyard. For the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their +standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides: the drummers had +knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes: +the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of +clusters: in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder. +He hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, +that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking +athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the +old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he +crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till +their ribs cracked with it. To others again he unjointed the spondyles or +knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made +their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and balammed them +that they fell down before him like hay before a mower. To some others he +spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their +thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their +mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook +asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated their shins, +mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges +their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their +knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and +so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so +thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen's flails as were the +pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless +baton of the cross. If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of +the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, +and dashed his reins like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he +made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, which is a seam +in the hinder part of the skull. If anyone did scramble up into a tree, +thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at +the fundament. If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha, +Friar John, my friend Friar John, quarter, quarter, I yield myself to you, +to you I render myself! So thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou +wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in +hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, +raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn Pluto of their coming +and despatch them a-going. If any was so rash and full of temerity as to +resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his +muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at +the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. Others, again, he so +quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under the hollow of their +short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately. To +some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff +swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a homepush on the navel +that he made their puddings to gush out. To others through their ballocks +he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their +body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his +violence. Believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one +saw. Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George. O the holy Lady +Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of Succours, said another, +help, help! Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretto, of Good Tidings, +on the other side of the water St. Mary Over. Some vowed a pilgrimage to +St. James, and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberry, which three +months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one +thread of it saved. Others sent up their vows to St. Cadouin, others to +St. John d'Angely, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes. Others again invoked +St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Clouaud of Sinays, the holy +relics of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels. +Some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in +speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted as loud as they could +Confession, Confession, Confiteor, Miserere, In manus! So great was the +cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came +forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines, +and wounded to death, confessed some of them. But whilst the priests were +busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran all to the place where +Friar John was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their +assistance. To which he answered that they should cut the throats of those +he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently, leaving their outer +habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those +whom he had already crushed. Can you tell with what instruments they did +it? With fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron +tool whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and +three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe +walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel, +and they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting +exploit. In the meantime Friar John, with his formidable baton of the +cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to +snatch up those that endeavoured to escape. Some of the monkitos carried +the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and +chambers to make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven +would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed +and felled them down with blows, saying, These men have had confession and +are penitent souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons; +they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye +(like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap). Thus by his prowess and valour were +discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey, +unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides +the women and little children, which is always to be understood. Never did +Maugis the Hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim's +staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four sons +of Aymon, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the +cross. + + + +Chapter 1.XXVIII. + +How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of +Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. + +Whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which +were entered within the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ford of +Vede--a very especial pass--with all his soldiers, and set upon the rock +Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; and, because it +was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that +town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler. In the morning he +stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified +with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to +make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it +was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and +situation of it. But let us leave them there, and return to our good +Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good +letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier +his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great +fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in +drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, +wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of +the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. + +Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines, +named Pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses +which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole, +King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, +wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at Seville, +which Friar John des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved; and +that at the same present time the said king was in the rock Clermond, and +there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself +and his whole army. Halas, halas, alas! said Grangousier, what is this, +good people? Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picrochole, my +ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to +invade me? What moves him? What provokes him? What sets him on? What +drives him to it? Who hath given him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my +God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do! I +protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did +him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least +robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, I have succoured and supplied +him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, upon any occasion wherein I +could be steadable for the improvement of his good. That he hath therefore +at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the +malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou knowest my courage, for +nothing can be hidden from thee. If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou +hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of +his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy +will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my +faithful servants, must I hinder you from helping me? Alas, my old age +required hence-forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I +have laboured for nothing so much as peace; but now I must, I see it well, +load with arms my poor, weary, and feeble shoulders, and take in my +trembling hand the lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my +honest subjects. Reason will have it so; for by their labour am I +entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my +family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I have first +tried all the ways and means of peace: that I resolve upon. + +Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed. +Whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto +Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and +invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, +that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the +preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need. All this +pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. +Presently therefore he sent the Basque his lackey to fetch Gargantua with +all diligence, and wrote him as followeth. + + + +Chapter 1.XXIX. + +The tenour of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his son Gargantua. + +The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time +recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the +confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this +present disappointed the assurance of my old age. But seeing such is my +fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted +most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by +the right of nature belong unto thee. For even as arms are weak abroad, if +there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel +unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed +and put in effect. My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease--not +to assault, but to defend--not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful +subjects and hereditary dominions, into which Picrochole is entered in a +hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth +his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to +freeborn spirits. I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, +offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction; and +oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein, by whom, +and how he found himself to be wronged. But of him could I obtain no other +answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the +right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby I knew that the +eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual +appetite--which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not +continually guided--and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to +know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, +my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair +hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by +natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason +thou mayest save and preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little +effusion of blood as may be. And, if possible, by means far more +expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we +shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto +their own houses. My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer +be with thee. Salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and Eudemon. The +twentieth of September. +Thy Father Grangousier. + + + +Chapter 1.XXX. + +How Ulric Gallet was sent unto Picrochole. + +The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that +Ulric Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of +whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult +and debateful matters, (should) go unto Picrochole, to show what had been +decreed amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and +having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what +condition Picrochole was: who answered him that his soldiers had left him +neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock +Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of +the scouts, because they were enormously furious. Which he easily +believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller. + +The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and +required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat +that concerned him. These words being told unto the king, he would by no +means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting upon the top of +the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, What is the news, what have you to +say? Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXI. + +The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. + +There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they +receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good +will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they +had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less +supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they +have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit or +subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have +fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light. It +is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier, my master, be full of high +displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile +coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved +with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine +upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of +inhumanity omitted. Which in itself is to him so grievous, for the cordial +affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it +cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human apprehension, is it +to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been +committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiquity, +thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with +him and all his ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred +together inviolably preserved, kept, and entertained, so well, that not he +and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, +Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that +of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set +up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and +have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared +to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which +is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few +nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of +the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon +your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as +high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort, that from +the memory of man there hath not been either prince or league so wild and +proud that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countries, but not +so much as those of your confederates. And if, by rash and heady counsel, +they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the +name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their +enterprises. What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all +old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, +thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him +or his in anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked? Where is faith? +Where is law? Where is reason? Where is humanity? Where is the fear of +God? Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the +eternal spirit and the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our +undertakings? If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things +shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed. +Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars, that would put an end +to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? For that all things have their end +and period, so as that, when they are come to the superlative point of +their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being +able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those +who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and +prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must +now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my king,--him by whom thou +wert established? If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in +its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so +unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be +conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, +till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that +nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated +themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of +their own depraved nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy +subjects and dominions--if we had favoured thy ill-willers--if we had not +assisted thee in thy need--if thy name and reputation had been wounded by +us--or, to speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce +thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy +conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything +unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first +to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to +admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to +thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be +contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? Wouldst thou, like +a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom? Hast +thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not--or so destitute of +men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot +withstand thy unjust invasion? March hence presently, and to-morrow, some +time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of +violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a thousand besans of +gold (which, in English money, amounteth to five thousand pounds), for +reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country. Half thou shalt +pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of May next coming, leaving +with us in the mean time, for hostages, the Dukes of Turnbank, Lowbuttock, +and Smalltrash, together with the Prince of Itches and Viscount of +Snatchbit (Tournemoule, Bas-de-fesses, Menuail, Gratelles, Morpiaille.). + + + +Chapter 1.XXXII. + +How Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored. + +With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his +discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them, +--they have ballocks fair and soft,--they will knead and provide some cakes +for you. Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his knees +bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying +unto God that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of Picrochole, and +bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. When the good +man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, what news do you bring me? +There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet; the man is quite out of his +wits, and forsaken of God. Yea, but, said Grangousier, my friend, what +cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not show me any cause at +all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes. +I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers. I will know, +said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before I resolve any more upon +what is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and +found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from +Picrochole's people, and that Marquet's head was broken with a slacky or +short cudgel; that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said +Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs. +And it seemed good to his whole council, that he should defend himself with +all his might. Notwithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the +question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am +very unwilling to wage war against him. He inquired then what quantity of +cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or +five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same +night; and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, +fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon +Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand +and three Philips (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five +thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money), for reparation of his +losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had +dressed his wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in +freehold the apple-orchard called La Pomardiere. For the conveyance and +passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them +gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, +wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, +and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby +to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they +came to buy it. + +Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from +Grangousier. Picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak +with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should +deliver their mind to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece +of ordnance upon the wall. Then said the good man unto him, My lord, to +ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not +return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the +cakes upon which the quarrel arose. Five dozen did our people take away: +they were well paid for: we love peace so well that we restore unto you +five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most +complain. Besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred +thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and, for the losses he +may pretend to have sustained, I resign for ever the farm of the +Pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without +the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or +service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed. And, for God's +sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily +into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right +at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as +before. Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more +exasperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some +purpose. By G--, Grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor drinker. +He is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it. He knows +better how to empty the flagons,--that is his art. I am of opinion that it +is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the rest, that very +speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune. But what! +Do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed you thus with cakes? +You may see what it is. The good usage and great familiarity which you +have had with them heretofore hath made you contemptible in their eyes. +Anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a villain, and he will anoint +you (Ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.). + +Sa, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by St. James you have given a true character +of them. One thing I will advise you, said Touquedillon. We are here but +badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly. If +Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out +of all your soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to +each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but +too soon. We shall have, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and +feeding-stuff. Came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight, indeed, said +Touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules +force is exiled. Leave off your prating, said Picrochole, and forthwith +seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen +and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they +would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the +morrow after. Thus, without doing anything, returned they to Grangousier, +and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope +left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXIII. + +How some statesmen of Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in +extreme danger. + +The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came +before Picrochole the Duke of Smalltrash, the Earl Swashbuckler, and +Captain Dirt-tail (Menuail, Spadassin, Merdaille.), who said unto him, Sir, +this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince +that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be +covered, said Picrochole. Gramercy, said they, we do but our duty. The +manner is thus. You shall leave some captain here to have the charge of +this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which, +besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and +fortresses of your devising. Your army you are to divide into two parts, +as you know very well how to do. One part thereof shall fall upon +Grangousier and his forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first +shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath +store of ready coin. Clown we call him, because a noble and generous +prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish +trick. The other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards +Onys, Xaintonge, Angomois, and Gascony. Then march to Perigot, Medoc, and +Elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and +forts; afterwards to Bayonne, St. John de Luc, to Fontarabia, where you +shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal, +shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you shall be +supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. By copsody, Spain +will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass by +the Straits of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately +than those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the +narrow entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea. + +Having passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your +slave. I will, said Picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life. +Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. And you shall +conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argier, Bomine (Bona), Corone, +yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, +Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other islands of the Ligustic and +Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia +Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then +God b'w'ye, Rome. (Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear.) By my +faith, said Picrochole, I will not then kiss his pantoufle. + +Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all +ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes +heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. I +would, said Picrochole, very willingly go to Loretto. No, no, said they, +that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail eastwards, and take +Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon (the) Morea. +It is ours, by St. Trenian. The Lord preserve Jerusalem; for the great +Soldan is not comparable to you in power. I will then, said he, cause +Solomon's temple to be built. No, said they, not yet, have a little +patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you +tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festina lente. It is requisite that you +first have the Lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, +Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, +Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, said Picrochole, Babylon and +Mount Sinai? There is no need, said they, at this time. Have we not +hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted +and passed over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the +three Arabias? Ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are +undone. Ha, poor souls! What's the matter? said they. What shall we +have, said he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Augustus with his +whole army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already, said they, +given order for that. In the Syriac sea you have nine thousand and +fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. They arrived +at Port Joppa. There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen +hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about +Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia; and, besides this, you had all the +Mecca caravan. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but, +said he, we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said they, not of a +fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy +of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and +your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris. But, +said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows +that unworthy swillpot Grangousier? They are not idle, said they. We +shall meet with them by-and-by. They shall have won you Brittany, +Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have +passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and lansquenets, and a +party of these hath subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy, +even to Lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from +the naval conquests of the Mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in +Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Bavaria, +Austria, Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, +Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even +unto the frozen sea. This done, they conquered the Isles of Orkney and +subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the +sandy sea and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, +Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, +Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople. Come, said Picrochole, let us +go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also. Shall +we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahometans? What a devil should we +do else? said they. And you shall give their goods and lands to such as +shall have served you honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, that is +but just. I give unto you the Caramania, Suria, and all the Palestine. +Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you. +God grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an +old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had +been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who, hearing this discourse, +said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or +interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself +rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to +dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests? What shall be the end +of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that +when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. But, said +Echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long +and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than +unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? O, said +Swashbuckler, by G--, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves +in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life +amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like Sardanapalus. He +that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon. He who +adventureth too much, said Echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered +Malchon. Enough, said Picrochole, go forward. I fear nothing but that +these devilish legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will +come on our backs and charge up our rear. What course shall we then take? +What shall be our remedy? A very good one, said Dirt-tail; a pretty little +commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into +the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war. +Oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, I should for the +lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I +strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, said Picrochole, +make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXIV. + +How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country, and how +Gymnast encountered with the enemy. + +In this same very hour Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he +had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already +passed the Nunnery-bridge, himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast, and Eudemon, who +all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took +post-horses. The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a +slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments. +As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was informed by a farmer of +Gouguet how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and +had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and +Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not +leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of Billard. These +strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed +over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor +do. But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at +all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should +be better advised in their business. Which they did incontinently, and +found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was +of opinion that they should send some one of his company to scout along and +discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, +that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. +Gymnast offered himself to go. Whereupon it was concluded, that for his +safety and the better expedition, he should have with him someone that knew +the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went +he and Prelingot, the equerry or gentleman of Vauguyon's horse, who scouted +and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. In +the meantime Gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the +like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine +of oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels. +Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy's +forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and +pillaging all they could lay their hands on. And, as far off as they could +perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste +towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles. Then +cried he out unto them, My masters, I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare +me. I have yet one crown left. Come, we must drink it, for it is aurum +potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome. Afterwards +take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew +better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G--, to tear asunder and +devour a hen, than I that am here: and for my proficiat I drink to all good +fellows. With that he unscrewed his borracho (which was a great Dutch +leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very honestly. The +maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and +putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but +Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to +him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold, +captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of +La Faye Monjau. What! said Tripet, this fellow gibes and flouts us? Who +art thou? said Tripet. I am, said Gymnast, a poor devil (pauvre diable). +Ha, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou +shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils +pass everywhere without toll or tax. But it is not the custom of poor +devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me +have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do +it: for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXV. + +How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others of +Picrochole's men. + +When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and +blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a +devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of the +trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his +codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos. If thou be of God, speak; +if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going. Yet he +went not away. Which words being heard by all the soldiers that were +there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the +place. All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore +making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising +himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his +thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather +feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith +launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the +saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head. +Now, said he, my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same very +posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to +the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its +former stance, without missing one jot. Ha, said Tripet, I will not do +that at this time, and not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have +failed, I will undo this leap. Then with a marvellous strength and +agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol +as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind-bow of the +saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his +whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and +whirled himself about three times. At the fourth, reversing his body, and +overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything, +he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, springing with all his +body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture, +turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called +the miller's pass. After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the +middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby +seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on +horseback. This done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and +placed himself like one that rides in croup. But, said he, it were better +for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon +the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only +supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, +and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good +settlement. Then with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell +to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made +above a hundred frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out +across, and in so doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark +mad, devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold! + +Whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one +another, By cock's death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised. Ab +hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they +had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth +away a goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast, spying his advantage, +alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the +thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them in great heaps, +hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had +been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, +which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor +devil. Only Tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his +horseman's sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt +nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke. Whereupon, turning +suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and upon the back of that, +whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the +breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the +colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in +falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled +with the pottage. + +This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of +great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period, +and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, +without troubling or stretching it too far. Wherefore, getting to horse, +he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelinguand +with him. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXVI. + +How Gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of Vede, and how they +passed the ford. + + +[Illustration: How Gargantua Passed the Ford--1-36-076] + + +As soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had +found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all +their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, +thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they +might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell +and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare, +accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great +tree, which commonly was called by the name of St. Martin's tree, because +heretofore St. Martin planted a pilgrim's staff there, which in tract of +time grew to that height and greatness, said, This is that which I lacked; +this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance. With that he pulled +it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. In +the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such +abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss +of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the +water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with +great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand +towards the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of Vede, +was informed by Eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within +the castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are +you there, or are you not there? If you be there, be there no more; and if +you are not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian gunner, whose +charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at +him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his +head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of +a wine-grape at him. What is this? said Gargantua; do you throw at us +grape-kernels here? The vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that +the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel. + +Those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when +they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they +shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and +arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him +that he cried out, Ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put +out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, +thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had +been but dunflies. Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other +flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle. Then was it that +he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows +overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, +by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. Going +from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the +ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill +and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were +destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. There they were at a stand, +consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses. +But Gymnast said, If the devils have passed there, I will pass well enough. +The devils have passed there, said Eudemon, to carry away the damned souls. +By St. Treignan! said Ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall +pass there. Yes, yes, said Gymnastes, or I shall stick in the way. Then +setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing +nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had +accustomed him, according to the doctrine of Aelian, not to fear armour, +nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did +the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at +his horse's feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent amongst his +hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. The +other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horse's +fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat +chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There +was he pestered, until Gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down +the rest of the villain's tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out +his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was +thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of +the burst guts of that great looby. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXVII. + +How Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of +his hair. + +Being come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to +Grangousier's castle, who waited for them with great longing. At their +coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with +embraces. Never was seen a more joyful company, for Supplementum +Supplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my +part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for +anybody else. The truth was, that Gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and +combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the +Jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants, +whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, +at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of +the wood of Vede. Which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had +been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this +far some short-winged hawks of the college of Montague? I did not mean +that thou shouldst reside there. Then answered Ponocrates, My sovereign +lord, think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they +call Montague; I had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of Sanct +Innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there: +for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, +the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house, +than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college. And if I +were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and +burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be +exercised before their eyes. Then, taking up one of these bullets, he +said, These are cannon-shot, which your son Gargantua hath lately received +by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of +Vede. + +But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of +the castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson, and those whom +the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke. My +opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; for +occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you may not +recall her,--she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is +bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again. Truly, said +Grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast +this night, and bid you welcome. + +This said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily +fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, +three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three +hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score +partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred Loudun and +Cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred +crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three +hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. +For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars, +which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord +of Gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent +by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, ringdoves, and +woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers, +francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovellers, +woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, +flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles, +turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, and +water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and +store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety. Without doubt there +was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by Snapsauce, Hotchpot, and +Brayverjuice, Grangousier's cooks. Jenkin Trudgeapace and Cleanglass were +very careful to fill them drink. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXVIII. + +How Gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad. + +The story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims +who came from Sebastian near to Nantes, and who for shelter that night, +being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the +chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces. Gargantua finding himself +somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad; +and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country, for +they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would go thither +himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal +carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that they did not +dare to speak nor cough. + +Washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to +another softly, What shall we do? We are almost drowned here amongst these +lettuce, shall we speak? But if we speak, he will kill us for spies. And, +as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the +lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the White +Friars of the Cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he +ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already +swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally +hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and nothing +else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the +horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not? said Gargantua, they are +good all this month: which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the staff, +and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a +terrible draught of excellent white wine. The pilgrims, thus devoured, +made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their +bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape +from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And +when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned +in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the +gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless, skipping with their bourdons, as St. +Michael's palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of +that inundation under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, +groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in +safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the +mandibulary sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great +pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt. To ease himself +therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his toothpicker, and rubbing +towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my +gentlemen pilgrims. + +For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, +another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor +fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the +codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it +pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously +tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis. The pilgrims, thus +dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain +ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to supper, for +all was ready. I will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which +he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet +from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of +a tuft of trees. Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that +for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on +a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to +take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the +industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being +gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto +Coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words +of one of their company, called Sweer-to-go, who showed them that this +adventure had been foretold by the prophet David, Psalm. Quum exsurgerent +homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the +salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar. Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, +forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught. Torrentem +pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the +thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is, +the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet +from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum. +Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in +the trap. Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos liberati sumus. +Adjutorium nostrum, &c. + + + +Chapter 1.XXXIX. + +How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had +at supper. + +When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed +their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily, +Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between +him and Picrochole; and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had +triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for +his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then +Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with +him they might consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, by a joint +consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his +staff of the cross, upon Grangousier's mule. When he was come, a thousand +huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. Ha, +Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the +devil! Let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful. I +must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it. Come, my cod, let +me coll thee till I kill thee. And Friar John, the gladdest man in the +world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and +graciously received than Friar John. Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool +here close by me at this end. I am content, said the monk, seeing you will +have it so. Some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my +liver. Give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. Deposita cappa, +said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Ho, by G--, gentlemen, said the +monk, there is a chapter in Statutis Ordinis which opposeth my laying of it +down. Pish! said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter! This frock breaks both +your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the monk, let me alone with +it; for, by G--, I'll drink the better that it is on. It makes all my body +jocund. If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to +themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines. And, +which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. But if in this habit I sit down +at table, I will drink, by G--, both to thee and to thy horse, and so +courage, frolic, God save the company! I have already supped, yet will I +eat never a whit the less for that; for I have a paved stomach, as hollow +as a butt of malvoisie or St. Benedictus' boot (butt), and always open like +a lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge +or the thigh of a nun. Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a +stiff catso? Our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon. In that, +said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and +pullets which they carry away they never eat the white. Why? said the +monk. Because, said Gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if +they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the +redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, +whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, +crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling. By God's +feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head +well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. The +thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose +of the truel,--what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are +always fresh and cool? This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in +Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three +causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed. Primo, +because the water runs all along by it. Secundo, because it is a shady +place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines. And thirdly, +because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north +winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the +codpiece. And lusty, my lads. Some bousing liquor, page! So! crack, +crack, crack. O how good is God, that gives us of this excellent juice! I +call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would +have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet. And +the devil fail me, if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these +gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and +left their good master in the lurch. I hate that man worse than poison +that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh +that I were but King of France for fourscore or a hundred years! By G--, I +should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of Pavia. A plague take them; +why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince +in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to +perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running +away? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore, +friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there. + +Diavolo, is there no more must? No more sweet wine? Germinavit radix +Jesse. Je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for +thirst. This wine is none of the worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I +give myself to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for +all comers six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the high +kilderkins? Oh the good fellow that he is! But I do not know what fly +hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student. For my part, I +study not at all. In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which +disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. Our late abbot was +wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By G--, +master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes. +You never saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not anywhere +come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon. My Lord Belloniere promised me a +lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy. The +partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up +our ears. I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold +that I am like to founder myself at that sport. If I do not run, toil, +travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is that in leaping +over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind +it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil, if he +suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord +Huntlittle, and I robbed him of him. Did I ill? No, Friar John, said +Gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no! So, said the monk, do I +attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) G--, +what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? By the body of +G--, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen. +How now, said Ponocrates, you swear, Friar John. It is only, said the +monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours of a Ciceronian +rhetoric. + + + +Chapter 1.XL. + +Why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger +noses than others. + +By the faith of a Christian, said Eudemon, I do wonderfully dote and enter +in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this +monk, for he makes us here all merry. How is it, then, that they exclude +the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers of +mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the +drones from their hives? Ignavum fucos pecus, said Maro, a praesepibus +arcent. Hereunto, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the +frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions +of the world, just as the wind called Cecias attracts the clouds. The +peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the +world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and +excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive +places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political +conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are. But if you +conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed, +you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and +old. The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the plough +as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carrieth no +burden as a horse doth. That which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil, +and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, +frumperies, and bastinadoes. + +After the same manner a monk--I mean those lither, idle, lazy monks--doth +not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and +defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and +diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the +evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and +things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth. Therefore is +it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. Yea, +but, said Grangousier, they pray to God for us. Nothing less, answered +Gargantua. True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they +trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. Right, said the +monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said. They mumble out +great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say +many paternosters interlarded with Ave-Maries, without thinking upon or +apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking +of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for us, and +not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat +pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places +and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the Mediator prayeth +and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is +our good Friar John; therefore every man desireth to have him in his +company. He is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and divided betwixt +reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but +honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, he labours, he +defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps +the close of the abbey. Nay, said the monk, I do a great deal more than +that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and anniversaries in the +choir, I make withal some crossbow-strings, polish glass bottles and bolts, +I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch coneys. I am never +idle. But now, hither come, some drink, some drink here! Bring the fruit. +These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able +to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets. You are not as +yet, it seems, well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must. +By G--, I drink to all men freely, and at all fords, like a proctor or +promoter's horse. Friar John, said Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs +at your nose. Ha, ha, said the monk, am not I in danger of drowning, +seeing I am in water even to the nose? No, no, Quare? Quia, though some +water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well +antidoted with pot-proof armour and syrup of the vine-leaf. + +Oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly +fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause, said +Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose? Because, said +Grangousier, that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form and for +such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter +fashioneth his vessels. Because, said Ponocrates, he came with the first +to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the +greatest. Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but, +according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had +soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in +as in so much butter. The hard breasts of nurses make children +short-nosed. But hey, gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I +never eat any confections, page, whilst I am at the bibbery. Item, bring +me rather some toasts. + + + +Chapter 1.XLI. + +How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. + +Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded +that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what +manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should +take a little rest the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could +not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon +the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly but when I am at sermon or +prayers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential psalms, +to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased +Gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as +they came to the words Beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the +other. But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of +claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being +up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear +voice, the song: + + Awake, O Reinian, ho, awake! + Awake, O Reinian, ho! + Get up, you no more sleep must take; + Get up, for we must go. + +When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual +saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking. Let +us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at +night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can. What, said +Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep? This is not to live according to +the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour +and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. Oh, well +physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be +not more old drunkards than old physicians! I have made this paction and +covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with +myself, for to that I every day give very good order; then the next morning +it also riseth with me and gets up when I am awake. Mind you your charges, +gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will. I will get me to my +drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring. What drawer or tiring do you +mean? said Gargantua. My breviary, said the monk, for just as the +falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg +to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by +taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs and +am presently ready to drink. + +After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers +of yours? After the manner of Whipfield (Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.), +said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he +that will. I never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they +are made for the man and not the man for them. Therefore is it that I make +my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen them when +I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat +scyphos. Where is that written? By my faith, said Ponocrates, I cannot +tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold. Therein, said the +monk, I am like you; but, venite, apotemus. Then made they ready store of +carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with +sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased. Some kept him company, and +the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. +Afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. And they +armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back +and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of +the cross. Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pie, and +mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing +shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, +and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of +Grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, +mounted like St. George, and everyone of them having an arquebusier behind +him. + + + +Chapter 1.XLII. + +How the Monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a +tree. + + +[Illustration: Valiant Champions on Their Adventure--1-42-086] + + +Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full +resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take +heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle. And +the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt, I +will conduct you safely. God and Sanct Benedict be with us! If I had +strength answerable to my courage, by's death, I would plume them for you +like ducks. I fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm +by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that will +preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire-weapons and +engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it. +Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish +pranks amongst them. By G--, whoever of our party shall offer to play the +duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I +do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock, +which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. Did you never hear of my Lord +Meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields? He put a +frock about his neck: by the body of G--, there was neither hare nor fox +that could escape him, and, which is more, he lined all the bitches in the +country, though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis et +maleficiatis. + +The monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree, +in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the +stump of a great branch of the said tree. Nevertheless, he set his spurs +so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur, +that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor, +let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, +whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the monk +left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, +swearing also that he was betrayed. Eudemon perceived him first, and +calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua, +being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he +hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him to +Absalom; for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by +the ears. Help me, said the monk, in the devil's name; is this a time for +you to prate? You seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, who say +that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought, upon +pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his +confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace, than +otherwise to help and relieve him. + +And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be +drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga +seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and +succour in fishing after them. Be quiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my +minion. I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for +thou art a pretty little gentle monachus. Monachus in claustro non valet +ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta. I have seen above five +hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his +dangling and pendilatory swagging. Truly, if I had so good a one, I would +willingly hang thus all my lifetime. What, said the monk, have you almost +done preaching? Help me, in the name of God, seeing you will not in the +name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which I wear, you shall repent +it, tempore et loco praelibatis. + +Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree, +lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the +armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken +branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. As +soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one +piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of +the cross, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his +running away. Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway. + + + +Chapter 1.XLIII. + +How the scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and +how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth (Tirevant.), and then was taken +prisoner by his enemies. + + +[Illustration: I Hear the Enemy, Let us Rally--1-43-088] + + +Picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and +defeat wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should +have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at +which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet (Hastiveau, Touquedillon.), concluded his +power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they +should come to jostle with his forces. This Picrochole did not fully +believe, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the +command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country, +the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses +for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and everyone for +their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to +serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with +devils, that by the virtue, as well of that Gregorian water as of the stars +which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish. + +In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came +near to the Vauguyon, which is the valley of Guyon, and to the spital, but +could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little +back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what +intelligence they could come by in those parts. In which resolution riding +on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to Coudray +hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled, +as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and +requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards +Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were +with him, Comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, +and they are ten times in number more than we. Shall we charge them or no? +What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their +number rather than by their valour and prowess? With this he cried out, +Charge, devils, charge! Which when the enemies heard, they thought +certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all +of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only excepted, +who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk +with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but, coming against +his horrific frock, the point of the iron being with the blow either broke +off or blunted, it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against +an anvil with a little wax-candle. + +Then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump +and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he +made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horse's +feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said +unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a +monk; by St. John, I am a perfect monk, I will kill them to you like flies. +Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the +rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst +and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue +them. To whom Gargantua answered, By no means; for, according to right +military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that +such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage, which was +before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help or outrage of +relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to +hope for no favour at all. How many victories have been taken out of the +hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied +with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy +their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the +defeat of his fellows. Open, therefore, unto your enemies all the gates +and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you +may be rid of them. Yea, but, said Gymnast, they have the monk. Have they +the monk? said Gargantua. Upon mine honour, then, it will prove to their +cost. But to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here +quietly as in an ambush; for I think I do already understand the policy and +judgment of our enemies. They are truly more directed by chance and mere +fortune than by good advice and counsel. In the meanwhile, whilst these +made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging +all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper +who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have +rifled him. The pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried +out, Ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me, I beseech +you, save me! Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they +instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made +this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as +thick as they use to do an ass with wood. But of all this he felt nothing, +especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. Then +they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about, +saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and +his party were fled. Then was it that they rode as hard as they could +towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all +alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise +and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track +and beating of the enemy's horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of +them come in a troop and full body against us. Let us rally and close +here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to +receive their charge to their loss and our honour. + + + +Chapter 1.XLIV. + +How the Monk rid himself of his keepers, and how Picrochole's forlorn hope +was defeated. + +The monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they +were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was +wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. Then considered he the +countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have +willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were +always looking towards the valley unto which they were going. Farther, he +syllogized, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for +they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from me. +Suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman's sword, wherewith he +gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he +cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or transparent +arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the +gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and, +redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and +third vertebrae. There fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. +Then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who, +seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried +with a loud voice, Ha, my lord prior, quarter; I yield, my lord prior, +quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior. And the monk cried +likewise, My lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have +it upon your posteriorums. Ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion, +my gentle lord prior, I pray God make you an abbot. By the habit, said the +monk, which I wear, I will here make you a cardinal. What! do you use to +pay ransoms to religious men? You shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat +of my giving. And the fellow cried, Ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my +lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all! Ha, ha, hes, no, +my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, I yield, render and deliver +myself up to you. And I deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in +hell. Then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the +temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two +triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together +with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the +right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal +or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges +or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain's two +posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his +shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor's +bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground +stark dead. + +And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the +enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad +highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter +that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, +Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly +and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense +and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form +of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze +or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither +without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, +breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man +can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him. So fled these +people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued +by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived. The monk, +perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels, +alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way, +and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and +with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or +sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two pieces. +Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently, +and that the rest should escape to carry news. Therefore he took up a +battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, +passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst +the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance, +nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound he made to +alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there +with him under the hedge, and also Touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner. + + + +Chapter 1.XLV. + +How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words +that Grangousier gave them. + +This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the +monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in +his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory. And seeing them +all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of +the monk. Gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the +monk. Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier; which was +very true. Therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the +monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the +doing unto one a mischief. Then commanded he a good breakfast to be +provided for their refreshment. When all was ready, they called Gargantua, +but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would +neither eat nor drink. In the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate +of the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine, Gymnast my +friend! Gymnast went out and saw that it was Friar John, who brought along +with him five pilgrims and Touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon Gargantua +likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome +that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him +of all his adventures. The monk told him all, both how he was taken, how +he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and +how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him Captain +Touchfaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily. In +the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were, +whence they came, and whither they went. Sweer-to-go in the name of the +rest answered, My sovereign lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berry, this man is +of Palvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, this of St. Nazarand, and +this man of Villebrenin. We come from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are +now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys. Yea, but, said +Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian? We went, said +Sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague. Ah, +poor men! said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from Saint +Sebastian? Yes, truly, answered Sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us so +indeed. But is it so, said Grangousier, do the false prophets teach you +such abuses? Do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of God, as to +make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,--as +Homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by +Apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous +gods. So did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at Sinay, +that Saint Anthony sent the fire into men's legs, that Saint Eutropius made +men hydropic, Saint Clidas, fools, and that Saint Genou made them goutish. +But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that +since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my +territories. And truly I wonder that your king should suffer them in their +sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they +deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical +art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country. The +pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our +very souls. As he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and +asked them, Whence are you, you poor wretches? Of Saint Genou, said they. +And how, said the monk, does the Abbot Gulligut, the good drinker,--and the +monks, what cheer make they? By G-- body, they'll have a fling at your +wives, and breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming +rant and gadding pilgrimage. Hin, hen, said Sweer-to-go, I am not afraid +of mine, for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come +to her in the night-time. Yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it. +Let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once, by the Lord G--, +be overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near +to her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber. Let me +be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your +return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful. It is, +said Gargantua, like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and +Pliny, Lib. 7, cap. 3. What virtue will there be then, said the monk, in +their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies? + +Then, said Grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of God the +Creator, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not +so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys. Look to your +families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and +live as the good apostle St. Paul directeth you; in doing whereof, God, his +angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any +time shall befall you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their +refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O +how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord! We have been +more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, than by all +the sermons that ever were preached in our town. This is, said Gargantua, +that which Plato saith, Lib. 5 de Republ., that those commonwealths are +happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers rule. Then caused +he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their bottles with wine, +and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with +some pence to live by. + + + +Chapter 1.XLVI. + +How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchfaucet his prisoner. + +Touchfaucet was presented unto Grangousier, and by him examined upon the +enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or +aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden +invasion. Whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer +all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers. It +is too great an undertaking, said Grangousier; and, as the proverb is, He +that grips too much, holds fast but little. The time is not now as +formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build up +our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest Christian Brother. This +imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios, +Caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the +gospel of Christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and +govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to +invade others; and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called +prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness. It +would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within +the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult +and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most +unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have +increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction. +Go your ways in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, show your king +what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular +profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit. As for +your ransom, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse +be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends, +seeing this our difference is not properly war. As Plato, Lib. 5 de +Repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the Greeks took up +arms against one another, and that therefore, when such combustions should +arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of +them with all discretion and modesty. Although you call it war, it is but +superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our +hearts. For neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there +any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, by the bye, +some petty faults committed by our men,--I mean, both yours and ours, +which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome +persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing I +offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. God shall be the just +judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of +this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine +eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. These +words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all thus spoke unto him, +Friar John, my good friend, it is you that took prisoner the Captain +Touchfaucet here present? Sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and +that he is of the years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by +his confession than by any words of mine. Then said Touchfaucet, My +sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely +yield myself his prisoner. Have you put him to any ransom? said +Grangousier to the monk. No, said the monk, of that I take no care. How +much would you have for having taken him? Nothing, nothing, said the monk; +I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it. Then Grangousier commanded +that, in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the monk for +taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in English +money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, whilst +they made a collation or little banquet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom +Grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to +return to his king. Touchfaucet answered that he was content to take +whatever course he would advise him to. Then, said Grangousier, return +unto your king, and God be with you. + +Then he gave him an excellent sword of a Vienne blade, with a golden +scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith's +work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two +thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of +the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten +thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present. + +After this talk Touchfaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety +allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to attend +him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the +rock Clermond, if there were need. As soon as he was gone, the monk +restored unto Grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he +had received, saying, Sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such +gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents +may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for +going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that +will quickly pass away. Coin is the sinews of war. Well then, said +Grangousier, at the end I will content you by some honest recompense, as +also all those who shall do me good service. + + + +Chapter 1.XLVII. + +How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, +and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole. + +About this same time those of Besse, of the Old Market, of St. James' +Bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of +the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brehemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, +of Grammont, of the town at the Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Segre, of Husse, +of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Verron, of Coulaines, of +Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Island, of the Croullay, +of Narsay, of Cande, of Montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent +ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the +great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient +confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men, +money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war. The money +which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six +score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. The +forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand +cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine +thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers. +These had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double +cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones +known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes. Of +pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six +months and four days of advance. Which offer Gargantua did not altogether +refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he +would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be +found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of +it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing +along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the +Deviniere, of Chavigny, of Gravot, and of the Quinquenais, amounting to the +number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand +foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred +pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand +light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated +with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such +like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of +warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear +and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so +prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they +seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the +wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers. + +Touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before +Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, +and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments +to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be +the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right +nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received +anything but good. And in regard of the main point, that they should never +be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and +mischief; for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable but that +Grangousier could easily overthrow them. + +He had not well done speaking when Rashcalf said out aloud, Unhappy is that +prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as I know +Touchfaucet is. For I see his courage so changed that he had willingly +joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would +have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised +and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it +happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they +always the wicked and the traitors in abomination. + +Touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and +therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his +left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his +body said boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame. +Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchfaucet's new sword +and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent +workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith +to kill before my face my so good friend Rashcalf? Then immediately +commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and +that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood. Afterwards he +appointed the corpse of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of +Touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch. + +The news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the +army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so far that +Pinchpenny said to him, My sovereign lord, I know not what the issue of +this enterprise will be. I see your men much dejected, and not well +resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided +of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four +sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your +enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, I do not see +how we can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you +are like the Melun eels, you cry before they come to you. Let them come, +let them come, if they dare. + + + +Chapter 1.XLVIII. + +How Gargantua set upon Picrochole within the rock Clermond, and utterly +defeated the army of the said Picrochole. + +Gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father Grangousier +stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great +rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus set +forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of Vede, with +boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice. Then +considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous +place, Gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in +deliberation upon what was to be done. But Gymnast said unto him, My +sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the French, that they +are worth nothing but at the first push. Then are they more fierce than +devils. But if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they'll +prove more faint and remiss than women. My opinion is, therefore, that now +presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you +give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly. His +advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth +his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or +rising of a little hill. The monk took along with him six companies of +foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed +the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto +the highway which leads to Loudun. Whilst the assault was thus begun, +Picrochole's men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and +receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir. Himself +in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the +cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained +with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds +on which the artillery was planted. Whereupon the Gargantuists betook +themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range +with the larger scope. + +Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot +passed over us without doing us any hurt at all. Some of Picrochole's men +that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but +prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there +knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would +have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they +were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion +that could be imagined. + +Some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk +withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose +their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town +upon them. Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he +sent the Duke Phrontist to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill +upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gate; which +Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the +conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but +they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered. + +Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those +that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both +from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows. Which Gargantua perceiving, +he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began +to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all +the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn +thither. The monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men +and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did +most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never +left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the +reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than +those that deal about them with they hands in the fight. + +Nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the +wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his +entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were +with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the +edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the +horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east +gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear +overthrew all their forces. + +The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and +that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves +unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very +nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting +them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the +crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. Then +opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But +Picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town, +adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most +desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar John, my friend +Friar John, you are come in a good hour. Which unexpected accident so +affrighted Picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook +themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them +till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then +sounded the retreat. + + + +Chapter 1.XLIX. + +How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what +Gargantua did after the battle. + +Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way +to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so +incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; +then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an +ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his +bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue +with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old +canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. Thus went along this poor +choleric wretch, who, passing the water at Port-Huaulx, and relating his +misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon hag that his +kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which +she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him since we cannot certainly +tell, yet was I told that he is now a porter at Lyons, as testy and pettish +in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation +inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting +assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he +shall be re-established in his kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did +after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men, +which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or +wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates, +who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. Then he caused them +all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little +refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink +and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers +and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that +there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing +it was his own. And furthermore commanded, that immediately after the +soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and +to their own hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them +altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to +receive six months' pay completely. All which was done. After this, by +his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that +remained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes, +nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth. + + + +Chapter 1.L. + +Gargantua's speech to the vanquished. + +Our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and +disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather, +for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies +and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by +architecture in the lands which they had conquered. For they did hold in +greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality +than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the +injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone. You may very +well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the Bretons in +the battle of St. Aubin of Cormier and at the demolishing of Partenay. You +have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at +the barriers (the barbarians) of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and +ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois. All this +hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations +which yourselves and your fathers made, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre, +not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of +Onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the Armoric Islands and confine +regions of Britany. Yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and +vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? Whereas +other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves Catholics, +would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him +to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him +kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness +and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts, +laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship. What fell out +upon it? Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where +all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them +the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take +such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be +edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of +our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was +voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up +entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us +according to our pleasure. + +Alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and +thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not +only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides. +For he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone +in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs, +and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, +black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. He was accounted no good mother's +son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had. + +Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his +feet. That action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not +permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced. He offered his +presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive: he +yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole +posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of, +because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered, by virtue of the decree +of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to +him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all +those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the +parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free goodwill and simple +meaning of the Canarians wrought such tenderness in my father's heart that +he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by +choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish +the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any +courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour +soever he had showed them he was bound to do it. But so much the more did +Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the issue? Whereas for his +ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, +could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns, +and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they +made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year +two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine. The first year we +received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord +they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third +year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and +do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be +constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of +gratitude and true thankfulness. For time, which gnaws and diminisheth all +things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of +liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous +thinking of it and remembering it. + +Being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary +mildness and clemency of my parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you from +all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and +every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at +your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months' +pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe +convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct +of Alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not +do you any injury. God be with you! I am sorry from my heart that +Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand that this +war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either +my goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where +nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his +son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old, +shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men +of the kingdom. And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, +if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to +administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, I ordain and will +have it so, that Ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his +governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that +he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule +and govern by himself. + +Now I must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and +dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit +wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of +receiving favour. I consider that Moses, the meekest man that was in his +time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people +of Israel. I consider likewise that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an +emperor that Cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent +than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always +save and pardon every man--he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain +places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. After the example +of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me +before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime +cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and +overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in +checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time; +and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of +Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking, +praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us. + + + +Chapter 1.LI. + +How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. + +When Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required +were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Dirt-tail, and Smalltrash, +who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to +Lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third +even unto Logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and +two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantua did them no +other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his +printing-house which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he +caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile valley and Burn-hag field, and +gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great +hospital or nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to +the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all +the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had +sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming +against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be +built there with a competent garrison to maintain it. At his departure he +did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at +this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several +stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field +on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he +brought along with himself unto Grangousier. + +At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not +possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most magnificent, +plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king +Ahasuerus. At the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his +whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen +bezants (Each bezant is worth five pounds English money.) of gold, in great +antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets, +candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, +besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all +men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. Then unto +every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of +twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. And, further, he gave to each +of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease +without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most +commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast, +the Coudray; to Eudemon, Montpensier; Rivau, to Tolmere, to Ithibolle, +Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte; Gravot, to Sebast; +Quinquenais, to Alexander; Legre, to Sophrone, and so of his other places. + + + +Chapter 1.LII. + +How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme. + +There was left only the monk to provide for, whom Gargantua would have made +Abbot of Seville, but he refused it. He would have given him the Abbey of +Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased +him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never +take upon him the charge nor government of monks. For how shall I be able, +said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of +myself? If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable +service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy. The +motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the +country of Theleme by the river of Loire till within two leagues of the +great forest of Port-Huaulx. The monk then requested Gargantua to +institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said +Gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other +abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. See, said the monk, and not +without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing); +where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy, +and mutual conspiracy. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the +world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, I mean chaste and honest +women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; +therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious +orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be +thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And because +in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and +regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should +be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and +incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said +Gargantua, the greatest loss of time that I know is to count the hours. +What good comes of it? Nor can there be any greater dotage in the world +than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and +not by his own judgment and discretion. + +Item, Because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as +were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen, +fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those +that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple +sots, or peevish trouble-houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. A +woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a nun +of, said Gargantua. Yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks. +Therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted +no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor +men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned. + +Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily, +and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be +no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women. + +Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders +after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained +and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was +therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this +abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment +whensoever it should seem good to them so to do. + +Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows, +to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore +constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably +married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the +legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above +which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted +from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen. + + + +Chapter 1.LIII. + +How the abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed. + +For the fabric and furniture of the abbey Gargantua caused to be delivered +out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and +one-and-thirty of those golden rams of Berry which have a sheep stamped on +the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until +the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns +of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the +receipt of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for +ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred, +three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, +exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and +payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent +passed a very good grant. The architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and +in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a +great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like +form and bigness. Upon the north side ran along the river of Loire, on the +bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic. Going towards the east, +there was another called Calaer,--the next following Anatole,--the next +Mesembrine,--the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was +distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole +edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground +for one. The second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the +rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fretwork, in +the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an +endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and +animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt, +together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt +the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to +the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried +all away unto the river from under the house. + +This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than +ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg, or Chantilly; for there were in it nine +thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had +a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat +passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower in +the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as +we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which +is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of Numidian stone, which is a +kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of +serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those +steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the +just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it, +landing-place. In every resting-place were two fair antique arches where +the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with +and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs +of the house ended conically in a pavilion. By that vise or winding they +entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the +chambers. From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were the fair great +libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian, and Spanish, +respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the +diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or +winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch +six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetry and largeness that six +men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride +all up to the very top of all the palace. From the tower Anatole to the +Mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with +the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. In the +midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said +there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in great antique +letters that which followeth. + + + +Chapter 1.LIV. + +The inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme. + +Here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, +Externally devoted apes, base snites, +Puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the Huns, +Or Ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons: +Cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts, +Slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants, +Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls, +Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls, +Fomenters of divisions and debates, +Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits. + + Your filthy trumperies + Stuffed with pernicious lies + (Not worth a bubble), + Would do but trouble + Our earthly paradise, + Your filthy trumperies. + +Here enter not attorneys, barristers, +Nor bridle-champing law-practitioners: +Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, +Wilful disturbers of the people's ease: +Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath, +Of honest men, like dogs, even unto death. +Your salary is at the gibbet-foot: +Go drink there! for we do not here fly out +On those excessive courses, which may draw +A waiting on your courts by suits in law. + + Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling + Hence are exiled, and jangling. + Here we are very + Frolic and merry, + And free from all entangling, + Lawsuits, debates, and wrangling. + +Here enter not base pinching usurers, +Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers, +Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, +Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests +Vast sums of money should to you afford, +Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, +And yet not be content,--you clunchfist dastards, +Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards, +Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, +Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs. + + You beastly-looking fellows, + Reason doth plainly tell us + That we should not + To you allot + Room here, but at the gallows, + You beastly-looking fellows. + +Here enter not fond makers of demurs +In love adventures, peevish, jealous curs, +Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils, +Hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils, +Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns, +Thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with frowns, +Nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous, +Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,-- +Here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place, +No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace. + + Grace, honour, praise, delight, + Here sojourn day and night. + Sound bodies lined + With a good mind, + Do here pursue with might + Grace, honour, praise, delight. + +Here enter you, and welcome from our hearts, +All noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts. +This is the glorious place, which bravely shall +Afford wherewith to entertain you all. +Were you a thousand, here you shall not want +For anything; for what you'll ask we'll grant. +Stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk, +Gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk, +Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades, +And, in a word, all worthy gentle blades. + + Blades of heroic breasts + Shall taste here of the feasts, + Both privily + And civilly + Of the celestial guests, + Blades of heroic breasts. + +Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true +Expounders of the Scriptures old and new. +Whose glosses do not blind our reason, but +Make it to see the clearer, and who shut +Its passages from hatred, avarice, +Pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice. +Come, settle here a charitable faith, +Which neighbourly affection nourisheth. +And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence, +Of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense. + + The holy sacred Word, + May it always afford + T' us all in common, + Both man and woman, + A spiritual shield and sword, + The holy sacred Word. + +Here enter you all ladies of high birth, +Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth, +Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair, +Magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, +Obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious, +Kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious. +Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete, +Wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet, +Come joys enjoy. The Lord celestial +Hath given enough wherewith to please us all. + + Gold give us, God forgive us, + And from all woes relieve us; + That we the treasure + May reap of pleasure, + And shun whate'er is grievous, + Gold give us, God forgive us. + + + +Chapter 1.LV. + +What manner of dwelling the Thelemites had. + +In the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair +alabaster. Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their +cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their +breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. The +inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of +chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique +fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned +with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns: with rhinoceroses, +water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and +other things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the ladies, for so +we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower Arctic unto the +gate Mesembrine. The men possessed the rest. Before the said lodging of +the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first +towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for +tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public +playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in +three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary +accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. By the river-side was the fair +garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth. +Between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the +balloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard full of all +fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was +the great park, abounding with all sort of venison. Betwixt the third +couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun, +an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow. The office-houses +were without the tower Hesperia, of one storey high. The stables were +beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by +ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly +supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates, now called +Muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons, +goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds +of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves +sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to +catch whatever they encountered. The venery, where the beagles and hounds +were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park. + +All the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with +tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the +seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green +cloth. The beds were all embroidered. In every back-chamber or +withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame +of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness +that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of +the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls which +belong to the ladies' lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through +whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies. Those +sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the +spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them +gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous +exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents. + + + +Chapter 1.LVI. + +How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled. + +The ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own +pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they +have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth. +They wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which +reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with +exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter's art. Their +garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a +little both over and under. Their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either +of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles. + +Next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk +camlet: above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red, +tawny, grey, or of any other colour. Above this taffety petticoat they had +another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and +interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the +temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin, +damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, +blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of +cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with +purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and +times wherein they wore them. + +Their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth +of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold +purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge, +silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold +wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden +threads, in divers variously purfled draughts. + +In the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, +made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like Moresco rugs, of +violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or +with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with +little Indian pearls. They always carried a fair panache, or plume of +feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with +glistering spangles of gold. In the winter time they had their taffety +gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich +furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet +skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value. +Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all +of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, +sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent +margarites. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, +according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French +fashion; in the spring, of the Spanish; in summer, of the fashion of +Tuscany, except only upon the holy days and Sundays, at which times they +were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more +honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity. + +The men were apparelled after their fashion. Their stockings were of +tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained +colour. Their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their +stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy. +Their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin, +damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably +trimmed up in perfection. The points were of silk of the same colours; the +tags were of gold well enamelled. Their coats and jerkins were of cloth of +gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought +fit. Their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies. Their +girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets. Every one had a +gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the +scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold, +and pure goldsmith's work. The dagger was of the same. Their caps or +bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold. +Upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by +so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more +sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was +such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they +were apparelled in the same livery. And that they might not miss, there +were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what +vestments the ladies would on that day wear: for all was done according to +the pleasure of the ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and habiliments +so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any +time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and +apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled, +that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from +head to foot. And to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency, +there was about the wood of Theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a +league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries, +jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers, +tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own +trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp. +They were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the Lord +Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas and +Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and +precious stones. And if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and +lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art +they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to +give casting unto hawks. + + + +Chapter 1.LVII. + +How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living. + +All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to +their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds when they +thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to +it and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to +constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had +Gargantua established it. In all their rule and strictest tie of their +order there was but this one clause to be observed, + +Do What Thou Wilt; + +because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest +companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto +virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. +Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought +under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they +formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of +servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable +with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is +denied us. + +By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of +them what they saw did please one. If any of the gallants or ladies should +say, Let us drink, they would all drink. If any one of them said, Let us +play, they all played. If one said, Let us go a-walking into the fields +they went all. If it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted +upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on +their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a +sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the +other kinds of hawks. So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he +nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical +instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all +very quaintly, both in verse and prose. Never were seen so valiant +knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and +a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better +handling all manner of weapons than were there. Never were seen ladies so +proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready +with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action +belonging to that sex, than were there. For this reason, when the time +came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents, +or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with +him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his +mistress, and (they) were married together. And if they had formerly in +Theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and +increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did +entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less +vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding. Here must not I +forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as +they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate, +and it was thus as followeth. + + + +Chapter 1.LVIII. + +A prophetical Riddle. + +Poor mortals, who wait for a happy day, +Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say: +If it be lawful firmly to believe +That the celestial bodies can us give +Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet; +Or if from heaven such wisdom we may get +As may with confidence make us discourse +Of years to come, their destiny and course; +I to my hearers give to understand +That this next winter, though it be at hand, +Yea and before, there shall appear a race +Of men who, loth to sit still in one place, +Shall boldly go before all people's eyes, +Suborning men of divers qualities +To draw them unto covenants and sides, +In such a manner that, whate'er betides, +They'll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt, +With both your friends and kindred to fall out. +They'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord, +And children their own parents; in a word, +All reverence shall then be banished, +No true respect to other shall be had. +They'll say that every man should have his turn, +Both in his going forth and his return; +And hereupon there shall arise such woes, +Such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's, +That never were in history such coils +Set down as yet, such tumults and garboils. +Then shall you many gallant men see by +Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency, +Who, trusting too much in their hopeful time, +Live but a while, and perish in their prime. +Neither shall any, who this course shall run, +Leave off the race which he hath once begun, +Till they the heavens with noise by their contention +Have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's dimension. +Then those shall have no less authority, +That have no faith, than those that will not lie; +For all shall be governed by a rude, +Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; +The veriest lout of all shall be their judge, +O horrible and dangerous deluge! +Deluge I call it, and that for good reason, +For this shall be omitted in no season; +Nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free, +Till suddenly you in great store shall see +The waters issue out, with whose streams the +Most moderate of all shall moistened be, +And justly too; because they did not spare +The flocks of beasts that innocentest are, +But did their sinews and their bowels take, +Not to the gods a sacrifice to make, +But usually to serve themselves for sport: +And now consider, I do you exhort, +In such commotions so continual, +What rest can take the globe terrestrial? +Most happy then are they, that can it hold, +And use it carefully as precious gold, +By keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have +No help but him who being to it gave. +And to increase his mournful accident, +The sun, before it set in th' occident, +Shall cease to dart upon it any light, +More than in an eclipse, or in the night,-- +So that at once its favour shall be gone, +And liberty with it be left alone. +And yet, before it come to ruin thus, +Its quaking shall be as impetuous +As Aetna's was when Titan's sons lay under, +And yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder. +Inarime did not more quickly move, +When Typheus did the vast huge hills remove, +And for despite into the sea them threw. + Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, +And changed suddenly, when those that have it +To other men that after come shall leave it. +Then shall it be high time to cease from this +So long, so great, so tedious exercise; +For the great waters told you now by me, +Will make each think where his retreat shall be; +And yet, before that they be clean disperst, +You may behold in th' air, where nought was erst, +The burning heat of a great flame to rise, +Lick up the water, and the enterprise. + It resteth after those things to declare, +That those shall sit content who chosen are, +With all good things, and with celestial man (ne,) +And richly recompensed every man: +The others at the last all stripp'd shall be, +That after this great work all men may see, +How each shall have his due. This is their lot; +O he is worthy praise that shrinketh not! + +No sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua, fetching +a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only, I +perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with +the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted. But happy is that man +that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in +aiming at that mark which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without +being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature. + +The monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and +signified by this riddle? What? said Gargantua,--the progress and carrying +on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my +exposition. It is the style of the prophet Merlin. Make upon it as many +grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest +of the world as long as you please; for my part, I can conceive no other +meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure +terms. The suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly +friends. After the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of +the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They believe the +first that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are the +heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the +rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is +the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh +themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly +they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained. And so, +farewell! + + +End book 1 + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. +by Francois Rabelais + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GARGANTUA AND PANTAGRUEL, BOOK I. *** + +***** This file should be named 8166.txt or 8166.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/8/1/6/8166/ + +Produced by Sue Asscher and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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